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diff --git a/old/51959-8.txt b/old/51959-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 74df027..0000000 --- a/old/51959-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,9955 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Bill Nye and Boomerang, by Bill Nye - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Bill Nye and Boomerang - Or, The Tale of a Meek-Eyed Mule, and Some Other Literary Gems - -Author: Bill Nye - -Release Date: May 2, 2016 [EBook #51959] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BILL NYE AND BOOMERANG *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - - - - - - - - -BILL NYE AND BOOMERANG; - -Or, The Tale Of A Meek-Eyed Mule, And Some Other Literary Gems - -By Bill Nye - -Chicago, New York And San Francisco: - -Bedford, Clarke & Co. - -1883= - - -```"And now, kind friends, what I have wrote - -```I hope you will pass o'er, - -```And not criticise as some has done, - -```Hitherto, herebefore." - -`````Sweet Singer of Michigan. - -[Illustration: 0001] - -[Illustration: 0007] - - - - -MY MULE BOOMERANG, - - -|Whose bright smile haunts me still, and whose low, mellow notes are -ever sounding in my ears, to whom I owe all that I am as a great man, -and whose presence has inspired me ever and anon throughout the years -that are gone. - - -THIS VOLUME, - -this coronet of sparkling literary gems as it were, this wreath of -fragrant forget-me-nots and meek-eyed johnny-jump-ups, with all its -wealth of rare tropical blossoms and high-priced exotics, is cheerfully -and even hilariously dedicated - -By the Author. - - - - -THE APOLOGY. - -{In my Boudoir, - -{Nov. 17,1880. - -Belford, Clarke & Co.: - -Gentlemen:--In reply to your favor of the 22d ult., I herewith transmit -the material necessary for a medium size volume of my chaste and unique -writings. - -The matter has been arranged rather hurriedly, and no doubt in -classifying this rectangular mass of soul, I have selected some little -epics and ethereal flights of fancy which are not as good as others that -I have left out, but my only excuse is this: the literary world has been -compelled to yield up first one well known historical or scientific -work and then another, careful investigation having shown that they were -unreliable. This left suffering humanity almost destitute of a reliable -work to which it could turn in its hour of great need. - -So I have been compelled to hurry more than I wanted to. - -It affords me great pleasure, however, to know what a feeling of blessed -rest and childlike confidence and assurance-and some more things of that -nature-will follow the publication of this work. - -Print the book in large coarse type, so that the old people can get a -chance at it. It will reconcile them to death, perhaps. - -Then sell it at a moderate price. It is really priceless in value, but -put it within the reach of all, and then turn it loose without a word of -warning. The Author. - -Laramie City, Wyoming. - - - - -OSTROPHE TO AN ORPHAN MULE. - -```Oh! lonely, gentle, unobtrusive mule! - -```Thou standest idly 'gainst the azure sky,` - -``And sweetly, sadly singeth like a hired man.= - -`````Who taught thee thus to warble` - -``In the noontide heat and wrestle with` - -``Thy ceep, corroding grief and joyless woe?` - -``Who taught thy simple heart - -```Its pent-up, wildly-warring waste` - -``Of wanton woe to carol forth upon` - -````The silent air?= - -```I chide thee not, because thy` - -``Song is fraught with grief-embittered` - -``Monotone and joyless minor chords` - -``Of wild, imported melody, for thou` - -``Art restless, woe begirt and` - -``Compassed round about with gloom, - -`````Thou timid, trusting, orphan mule! - -`````Few joys indeed, are thine,` - -``Thou thrice-bestricken, madly` - -``Mournful, melancholy mule. - -```And he alone who strews - -```Thy pathway with his cold remains - -```Can give thee recompense - -`````Of lemoncholy woe.= - -```He who hath sought to steer` - -``Thy limber, yielding tail` - -``Ferninst thy crupper-band - -```Hath given thee joy, and he alone. - -```'Tip true, he may have shot` - -``Athwart the Zodiac, and, looking` - -``O'er the outer walls upon - -`````The New Jerusalem, - -```Have uttered vain regrets.= - -```Thou reckest not, O orphan mule, - -```For it hath given thee joy, and` - -``Bound about thy bursting heart, - -```And held thy tottering reason` - -````To its throne.= - -```Sing on, O mule, and warble` - -``In the twilight gray, - -```Unchidden by the heartless throng. - -```Sing of thy parents on thy father's side.` - -``Yearn for the days now past and gone: - -```For he who pens these halting, - -```Limping lines to thee - -```Doth bid thee yearn, and yearn, and yearn. - - - - -A MINERS' MEETING--MY MINE--A MIRAGE ON E PLAINS. - -Camp on the New Jerusalem Mine, May 28, 1880. - - -|I write this letter in great haste, as I have just returned from the -new carbonate discoveries, and haven't any surplus time left. - -While I was there a driving snow storm raged on the mountains, and -slowly melting made the yellow ochre into tough plastic clay which -adhered to my boots to such an extent that before I knew it my -delicately arched feet were as large as a bale of hay with about the -same symmetrical outlines. - -A miners' meeting was held there Wednesday evening, and a district to -be called Mill Creek District, was formed, being fifteen miles each way. -The Nellis cabin or ranch is situated in the center of the district. - -I presided over the meeting to give it an air of terror and gloom. It -was very impressive. There was hardly a dry eye in the house as I was -led to the chair by two old miners. I seated myself behind the flour -barrel, and pounding on the head of the barrel with a pick handle, I -called the august assemblage to order. - -Snuffing the candle with my fingers in a graceful and pleasing -style, and wiping the black off on my pants, I said: "Gentlemen of the -Convention: In your selection of a chairman I detect at once your mental -acumen and intelligent foresight. While you feel confident that, in the -rose-colored future, prosperity is in store for you, you still remember -that now you look to capital for the immediate development of your -district. - -"I am free to state that, although I have been but a few hours in your -locality, I am highly gratified with your appearance, and I cheerfully -assure you that the coffers which I command are at your disposal. In me -you behold a capitalist who proposes to develop the country, regardless -of expense. - -"I also recognize your good sense in selecting an old miner and mineral -expert to preside over your meeting. Although it may require something -of a mental strain for your chairman to detect the difference between -porphyry and perdition, yet in the actual practical workings of a mining -camp he feels that he is equal to any emergency. - -"After the band plays something soothing and the chaplain has drawn up -a short petition to the throne of grace, I shall be glad to know the -pleasure of the meeting." - -Round after round of applause greeted this little gem of oratory. A -small boy gathered up the bouquets and filed them with the secretary, -when the meeting proceeded with its work. Most of the delegates came -instructed, and therefore the business was soon transacted. - -I located a claim called the Boomerang. I named it after my favorite -mule. I call my mule Boomerang because he has such an eccentric orbit -and no one can tell just when he will clash with some other heavenly -body. - -He has a sigh like the long drawn breath of a fog-horn. He likes to come -to my tent in the morning about daylight and sigh in my ear before I -am awake. He is a highly amusing little cuss, and it tickles him a good -deal to pour about 13 1/2 gallons of his melody into my car while I am -dreaming, sweetly dreaming. He enjoys my look of pleasant surprise when -I wake up. - -He would cheerfully pour more than 13 1/2 gallons of sigh into my -ear, but that is all my ear will hold. There is nothing small about -Boomerang. He is generous to a fault and lavishes his low, sad, -tremulous wail on every one who has time to listen to it. - -Those who have never been wakened from a sweet, sweet dream by the -low sad wail of a narrow-gauge mule, so close to the ear that the warm -breath of the songster can be felt on the cheek, do not know what it is -to be loved by a patient, faithful, dumb animal. - -The first time he rendered this voluntary for my benefit, I rose in my -wrath and some other clothes, and went out and shot him. I discharged -every chamber of my revolver into his carcass, and went back to bed to -wait till it got lighter. In a couple of hours I arose and went out to -bury Boomerang. The remains were off about twenty yards eating bunch -grass. In the gloom and uncertainty of night, I had shot six shots into -an old windlass near a deserted shaft. - -Boomerang and I get along first-rate together. When I am lonesome I -shoot at him, and when he is lonesome he comes up and lays his head -across my shoulder, and looks at me with great soulful eyes and sings to -me. - -On our way in from the mines we saw one of those beautiful sights so -common in this high altitude and clear atmosphere. It was a mirage. - -In the party were a lawyer, a United States official, a banker and -myself. The other three members of the quartet, aside from myself are -very modest men and do not wish to have their names mentioned. They were -very particular about it and I have respected their wishes. Whatever -Messrs. Blake, Snow or Ivinson ask me to do I will always do cheerfully. - -But we were speaking about the mirage. Across to the northeast our -attention was at first attracted by a rank of gray towers growing taller -and taller till their heads were lifted into the sky above, while at -their feet there soon appeared a glassy lake in which was reflected the -outlines of the massive gray walls above. It was a beautiful sight. The -picture was as still and lovely to look upon as a school ma'am. We all -went into raptures. It looked like some beautiful scene in Palestine. At -least Snow said so, and he has read a book about Palestine, and ought to -know. - -There was a silence in the air which seemed to indicate the deserted -sepulchre of other days, and the grim ruins towering above the depths of -clear waters on whose surface was mirrored the visage of the rocks and -towers on their banks, all spoke of repose and decay and the silent, -stately tread of relentless years. - -By and by, from out the grey background of the picture, there stole the -wild, tremulous, heart-broken wail of a mule. - -It seemed to jar upon the surroundings and clash harshly against our -sensitive natures. Some one of the party swore a little. Then another -one came to the front, and took the job off his hands. We all joined, in -a gentlemanly kind of way, in condemning the mule for his lack of tact, -to say the least. - -All at once the line of magnificent ruins shortened and became reduced -in height. They changed their positions and moved off to the left, -and our dream had melted into the matter of fact scene of twenty-two -immigrant wagons drawn by rat-tail mules and driven by long-haired -Mormons, with the dirt and bacon rinds of prehistoric times adhering to -them everywhere. - -What a vale of tears this is anyway! - -We are only marching toward the tomb, after all. We should learn a -valuable lesson from this and never tell a lie. - - - - -THE TRUE STORY OF DAMON AND PYTHIAS. - - - - -CHAPTER I. - - -|The romantic story of Damon and Pythias, which has been celebrated -in verse and song, for over two thousand years, is supposed to have -originated during the reign of Dionysius I., or Dionysius the Elder as -he was also called, who resigned about 350 years B.C. He must have been -called "The Elder," more for a joke than anything else, as he was by -inclination a Unitarian, although he was never a member of any church -whatever, and was in fact the wickedest man in all Syracuse. - -Dionysius arose to the throne from the ranks, and used to call himself -a self-made man. He was tyrannical, severe and selfish, as all self-made -men are. Self-made men are very prone to usurp the prerogative of -the Almighty and overwork themselves. They are not satisfied with the -position of division superintendent of creation, but they want to be -most worthy high grand muck-a-muck of the entire ranch, or their lives -are gloomy fizzles. - -Dionysius was indeed so odious and so overbearing toward his subjects -that he lived in constant fear of assassination at their hands. This -fear robbed him of his rest and rendered life a dreary waste to the -tyrannical king. He lived in constant dread that each previous moment -would be followed by the succeeding one. He would eat a hearty supper -and retire to rest, but the night would be cursed with horrid dreams -of the Scythians and White River Utes peeling off his epidermis -and throwing him into a boiling cauldron with red pepper and other -counter-irritants, while they danced the Highland fling around this -royal barbecue. - -Even his own wife and children were forbidden to enter his presence for -fear that they would put "barn arsenic" in the blanc-mange, or "Cosgrove -arsenic" in the pancakes, or Paris green in the pie. - -During his reign he had constructed an immense subteroranean cavernous -arrangement called the Ear of Dionysius, because it resembled in shape -and general telephonic power, the human ear. It was the largest ear on -record. One day a workman expressed the desire to erect a similar ear of -tin or galvanized iron on old Di. himself. Some one "blowed on him," and -the next morning his head was thumping about in the waste paper basket -at the General Office. When one of the king's subjects, who thought he -was solid with the administration, would say: "Beyond the possibility -of a doubt, your Most Serene Highness is the kind and loving guardian of -his people, and the idol of his subjects," His Royal Tallness would say, -"What ye givin' us? Do you wish to play the Most Sublime Overseer of the -Universe and General Ticket Agent Plenipotentiary for a Chinaman? - -"Ha!!! You cannot fill up the King of Syracuse with taffy." Then he would -order the chief executioner to run the man through the royal sausage -grinder, and throw him into the Mediterranean. In this way the sausage -grinder was kept running night and day, and the chief engineer who run -the machine made double time every month. - - - - -CHAPTER II. - - -|I will now bring in Damon and Pythias. - -Damon and Pythias were named after a popular secret organization because -they were so solid on each other. They thought more of one another than -anybody. They borrowed chewing tobacco, and were always sociable and -pleasant. They slept together, and unitedly "stood off" the landlady -from month to month in the most cheerful and harmonious manner. If -Pythias snored in the night like the blast of a fog horn, Damon did not -get mad and kick him in the stomach as some would. He gently but firmly -took him by the nose and lifted him up and down to the merry rythm of -"The Babies in Our Block." - -They loved one another in season and out of season. Their affection was -like the soft bloom on the nose of a Wyoming legislator. It never grew -pale or wilted. It was always there. If Damon were at the bat, Pythias -was on deck. If Damon went to a church fair and invited starvation, -Pythias would go, too, and vote on the handsomest baby till the First -National Bank of Syracuse would refuse to honor his checks. - -But one day Damon got too much budge and told the venerable and colossal -old royal bummer of Syracuse what he thought of him. Then Dionysius told -the chief engineer of the sausage grinder to turn on steam and prepare -for business. But Damon thought of Pythias, and how Pythias hadn't so -much to live for as he had, and he made a compromise by offering to put -Pythias in soak while the only genuine Damon went to see his girl, who -lived at Albany. Three days were given him to get around and redeem -Pythias, and if he failed his friend would go to protest. - - - - -CHAPTER III. - - -|We will now suppose three days to have elapsed since the preceding -chapter. A large party of enthusiastic citizens of Syracuse are gathered -around the grand stand, and Pythias is on the platform cheerfully taking -off his coat. Near by stands a man with a broadax. The Syracuse silver -cornet band has just played "It's funny when you feel that way," and the -chaplain has made a long prayer, Pythias sliding a trade dollar into -his hand and whispering to him to give him his money's worth. The -Declaration of Independence has been read, and the man on the left is -running his thumb playfully over the edge of his meat ax. Pythias takes -off his collar and tie, swearing softly to himself at his miserable -luck. - - - - -CHAPTER IV. - - -|It is now the proper time to throw in the solitary horseman. The -horizontal bars of golden light from the setting sun gleam and glitter -from the dome of the court house and bathe the green plains of Syracuse -with mellow splendor. - -[Illustration: 0024] - -The billowy piles of fleecy bronze in the eastern sky look soft and -yielding, like a Sarah Bernhardt. The lowing herd winds slowly o'er the -lea, and all nature seems oppressed with the solemn hush and stillness -of the surrounding and engulfing horror. - -The solitary horseman is seen coming along the Albany and Syracuse toll -road. He jabs the Mexican spurs into the foamy flank of his noble cayuse -plug, and the lash of the quirt as it moves through the air is singing -a merry song. Damon has been delayed by road agents and washouts, and -he is a little behind time. Besides, he fooled a little too long and -dallied in Albany with his fair gazelle. But he is making up time now -and he sails into the jail yard just in time to take his part. He and -Pythias fall into each other's arms, borrow a chew of fine-cut from each -other and weep to slow music. Dionysius comes before the curtain, bows -and says the exercises will be postponed. He orders the band to play -something soothing, gives Damon the appointment of Superintendent of -Public Instruction and Pythias the Syracuse post-office, and everything -is lovely. Orchestra plays something touchful. Curtain comes down. Keno. -_In hoc usufruct Nux Vomica est_. - - - - -SAD MEMORIES OF THE DEAD YEAR. - - -|It is with the deepest regret that I write in advance the obituary of -the year 1879, and pay a last tribute to another landmark in our history -before it be consigned to the boundless realms of the past. I do not -write this as an item of local interest, because the year will fold its -icy limbs and die at about the same time to the people of the East as to -us. The limit of totality will strike us about the same. But I write of -the last moments of 1879, as the subject seems to me. - -The year now nearly gone has been fraught with almost innumerable -blessings. None of us can look back over it without remembering many -moments of pleasure. With what unalloyed bliss at this moment comes -back to me the memory of that rich golden day of summer when the first -watermelon billed the town and I mortgaged my little home and bought it. -Then also I call to mind the day when the first strawberries began to -be convalescent and were able to be out, and how forty or fifty of our -leading business men formed a joint stock company and bought a whole -box, Ah! life gives no richer recompense for its numberless ills than -the proud moments when one buys the first box of unhappy dyspeptic -berries of the season, and then compromises with one's creditors at ten -cents on the dollar. - -Then followed the ripe and radiant days of the Indian summer when the -peaks of the distant mountains that bound the horizon, melt away into -the soft warm sky, and the only sound that breaks the stillness is the -merry roundelay of the John rabbit softly cooing to his mate. It is the -choice season of the year when there is a solemn hush resting over the -whole broad universe, a stillness like that which falls upon a peasant's -dance when the "E" string of the leading violin dissolves partnership, -and hits the bass violinist in the eye. - -There are, indeed, many things for which we individually and as a people -should be devoutly thankful. Think, for instance, how many Indians along -our frontier have escaped violent deaths. Consider for a moment how a -long and bloody war has been avoided by the more gentle sway of peace. - -See how the olive branch waves, where a few months ago the tocsin of war -echoed from the rugged hills of the West. The saber now hangs idly in -its sheath and the alarums of war have petered out. See what a kind -and considerate policy toward the wild untutored savage will do toward -promoting the advance of universal civilization. By means of the Boston -peace plan the opera and pin-pool and other adjuncts of wealth and -refinement will be placed within the reach of the most illiterate and -worthless sons of the forest. - -It is true we are looked upon by other nations as the republic with -a warm molasses poultice Indian policy; but right and softness and -gentleness have overcome brute force and might. We of the West are too -apt to be violent and radical in our treatment of the Indian. When he -kills our family, all the family we have got, perhaps, too, and leaves -us a lonely widower with the graves of our mangled household to remember -him by, we are too prone to be bitter, and say mean, hateful things -about him, and run him down and destroy his boom. We do not stop to -consider that this is all the fun he has. We should learn to control -ourselves, and look upon the Indian as a diamond in the rough. That's -the way I do. I look upon Colorow as a regular Kohinoor, if he were only -polished. I would be willing to polish him, too, if I had time and -felt strong enough. I would hold his nose against an emery wheel, or -something of that kind, very cheerfully, if my time were not all taken -up. - -But I have wandered away from what I was going to say relative to the -old year and drifted into the Indian question, thus crowding out many -sweet little things which I had mapped out to say of the snowy winding -sheet which shrouds the dying year, and some more things of that kind, -touching: and beautiful in the extreme. I have allowed other matters to -take the place of these little poetical passages and make a dull, prosy -article of what I had intended to construct into a frail and beautiful -fabric, with slender pinnacles, sublime arches and Queen Anne woodshed. - - -HERE WE COME! - -[Illustration: 8028] - -HERE WE COME! HERE WE COME! - -13 BILL NYE'S 13 - -Thirteenth Grand Semi-Annual FAREWELL CIRCUS AND HIPPODROME. - -[Illustration: 0028] - -He eats nothing but fresh Ohio men. - -Do not fail to see our Mammoth Street Parade, the Grand Oriental and -Princely Pageant, over nine miles in length, and don't you forget it! -It has been pronounced by the crowned heads of the world to be the most -Scrumptuous Mighty and Magnificent Confederation of Wonders. Knights -in full panoply--ladies without any panoply on. Endless ranks of gold -bedizened cages, _recherche_ chariots; boss camels, with or without -humps; cages of mammoth reptilian angle-worms; lions stuffed with baled -hay; petrified circus jokes; preserved seats; gazelle-like elephants, -and a bang-up outfit generally. - -[Illustration: 0029] - -It is well worth a journey of one hundred miles to see alone our mammoth -band chariot, flecked with burnished gold, and costing $250 per fleck. - -We will not be outflecked! Bear in mind the time and place! - -GRANITE CANON, AUGUST 14TH. Afternoon and evening, with Grand Matinee -for baldheaded men at 5 p.m. each day. - -[Illustration: 5029] - -I challenge the world to produce the equal of this highly intellectual -and amusing little cuss. He stands on four feet at one and the same -time, in the mammoth pavilion, and at one price of admission, eating out -of the hand with the utmost docility and reckless abandon. Boomerang is -the only living performing trick stallion ever born in captivity. - -[Illustration: 0030] - -In connection with the untold and priceless splendor of the glittering -pageant, I will introduce the Dynamo, Hydro-phosphatic, Perihelion -Electric Light, in comparison with which the mid-day sun looks like -a convalescent white bean. In brilliancy and refulgent splendor, it -without doubt lays over and everlastingly knocks the socks off all other -lights now in the known world. - -[Illustration: 9030] - -This statement I am prepared to back up with the necessary kopecks. - -The wonderful Tattooed Steer from Stinking Water. If not exactly as -represented, your money will be refunded to you as you pass out the -door. - -This costly and truly picturesque Queen Anne Steer was secured at great -cost to the management, and will positively appear every day in the -regular programme, and within the mammoth pavilion. If he does not in -every respect do as I advertise, and with one hand tied behind him, I -will be responsible. - -[Illustration: 0031] - -Before and after visiting my Mammoth Show. - -The royal Mexican Plug, Billy English, and the truly remarkable mule -with the genuine camel's hair tail, Winfield Scott Hancock. - -These animals, with almost human intelligence, walk around the ring, -stepping first on one foot and then on the other. - -[Illustration: 9031] - -They have been procured at enormous expense and may be found only with -my stupendous aggregation of trained animals. - -They represent the perfect pyramid at each performance as represented in -the above engraving. - -The steer which performs upon the flying trapeze and horizontal bar. - -[Illustration: 7031] - -The only steer that has ever successfully enacted the aeria-dive or -eagle swoop. - -The wonderful performing steer, Zazel, is the only one-horned, one-eared -and bob-tailed steer ever born in captivity; This steer is found alone -with Bill Nye's Great Cast-Iron Hippodrome and 27-Karat Utopian -Giganticum. - -THE PRESS CORDIALLY INVITED. - -I extend to the members of the press everywhere a most hearty -invitation. They will be furnished with luxuriant reclining chairs, -porcelain cuspidores, and gold toothpicks to pick out the fragments of -lemonade from their pearly teeth. - -A special clown will be devoted to the members of the press. - -A guide will have charge of visiting journalists to show them the -curiosities, and see that they do not forget and carry anything away. - -Members of the press will be allowed to sit on the top seats and let -their feet hang down. - -Do not fool with the animals. - -PRESS COMMENTS. - -The Owltown _Bunghole_ says: "No living man has ever heretofore dared -to perform all he advertised. Bill Nye certainly has secured the most -wonderful and costly galaxy of arenic talent, and the most perfect -and oriental conglomeration of grand, gloomy and peculiar zoological -specimens from the four corners of the globe. The editor and his -nineteen children, with his wife and hired girl, were passed in -yesterday by the handsome and gentlemanly, modest and lady-like -proprietor of Bill Nye's ownest own and simultaneous world-renowned -hippodrome and menagerie." - -A CARD. - -A report has been set in circulation, probably by some unprincipled -rival showmen, to the effect that I will not exhibit with my entire show -at Granite Canon, but that the main show will be divided, the famous -Trakene Stallion, Boomerang, going to Greeley; the Royal Mexican Plug -Billy English, going to Whiskey Flat; the Mammoth Reptilian Angleworm -going to Last Chance; the famous Trick Mule, Winfield Scott Hancock, -going to Tie City, while the balance of the show would appear at Granite -Canon. - -I pronounce this and all similar reports the most flagrant, lying -canards, as I shall not only appear at Granite Canon with my entire -aggregation of my own and only jam-up-and-scrumptuous show and North -American Boss and Supreme Oriental and Collossal Menagerie, but at all -points where I have advertised to appear. I make no show, but I can buy -and sell every show on the road before breakfast, and don't you forget -it. - -[Illustration: 0033] - -I travel on my own special train, and regular passenger and express -trains are held while I have the right of way with my elegant -drawing-room and palace cars for the animals, and colossal silver -chariots for the men. - -I exhibit also under my acres and acres of canvas, and two-bits will -admit you to all parts of the show. - -Special trains will run to and from Granite Canon on the day of the show -at regular rates. - -Simultaneously yours, - -Bill Nye. - - - - -LETTER FROM PARIS. - -Paris, May 30th, 1878. - - -|I am going to rest myself by writing a few pages in the language spoken -in the United States, for I am tired of-the infernal lingo of this -God-forsaken country, and feel like talking in my own mother tongue and -on some other subject than the Exposition. I have very foolishly tried -to talk a little of this tongue-destroying French, but my teeth are so -loose now that I am going to let them tighten up again before I try it -any more. - -Day before yesterday it was very warm, and I asked two or three friends -to step into a big drug-store on the Rue de La Sitting Bull, to get a -glass of soda. (I don't remember the names of these streets, so in some -cases I give them Wyoming names.) I think the man who kept the place -probably came from Canada. Most all the people in Paris are Canadians. -He came forward, and had a slight attack of delirium tremens, and said: - -uZe vooly voo a la boomerang?" - -[Illustration: 9034] - -I patted the soda fountain and said: - -"No, not so bad as that, if you please. Just squeeze a little of your -truck into a tumbler, and flavor it to suit the boys. As for myself, I -will take about two fingers of bug-juice in mine to sweeten my breath." - -But he didn't understand me. His parents had neglected his education, no -doubt, and got him a job in a drug store. So I said: - -"Look here, you frog-hunting, red-headed Communist, I will give you -just five minutes to fix up my beverage, and if you will put a little -tangle-foot into it I will pay you; otherwise I will pick up a pound -weight and paralyze you. Now, you understand. Flavor it with spirituous -frumenti, old rye, benzine--bay rum--anything! _Parley voo, e pluri-bus -unam, sic semper go braugh!_ Do you understand that?" - -But he didn't understand it, so I had to kill him. I am having him -stuffed. The taxidermist who is doing the job lives down on the Rue de -la Crazy Woman's Fork. I think that is the name of the Rue that he lives -on. - -Paris is quite an old town. It is older and wickeder than Cheyenne, I -think, but I may be prejudiced against the place. It is very warm here -this summer, and there are a good many odors that I don't know the names -of. It is a great national congress of rare imported smells. I have -detected and catalogued 1,350 out of a possible 1,400. - -I have not enjoyed the Exposition so much as I thought I was going to; -partly because it has been so infernally hot, and partly because I have -been a little homesick. I was very homesick on board ship; very homesick -indeed. About all the amusement that we had crossing the wide waste -of waters was to go and lean over the ship's railing by the hour, and -telescope the duodenum into the ęsophagus. I used to stand that way -and look down into the dark green depths of old ocean, and wonder what -mysterious secrets were hidden beneath the green cold waves and the wide -rushing waste of swirling, foamy waters. I learned to love this weird -picture at last, and used to go out on deck every morning and swap my -breakfast to this priceless panorama for the privilege of watching it -all day. - -I can't say that I hanker very much for a life on the ocean wave. I am -trying to arrange it so as to go home by land. I think I can make up for -the additional expense in food. I bought more condemned sustenance, and -turned it over to the Atlantic ocean for inspection, than I have eaten -since I came here. - - - - -PREHISTORIC CROCKERY. - - -|During my rambles through the Medicine Bow Range of the Rocky mountains -recently, I was shown by an old frontiersman a mound which, although -worn down somewhat and torn to pieces by the buffalo, the antelope and -the coyote, still bore the appearance of having been at one time very -large and high. - -This, I was told, had, no doubt, been the burial place of some ancient -tribe or race of men, the cemetery, perhaps, of a nation now unknown. - -Here in the heart of a new world, where men who had known the region -for fifteen or twenty years, are now called "old timers," where "new -discoveries" had been made within my own recollection, we found the -sepulchre of a nation that was old when the Pilgrims landed on the -shores of Columbia. - -I am something of an antiquarian with all my numerous charms, and I -resolved to excavate at this spot and learn the hidden secrets of those -people who lived when our earth was young. - -I started to dig into the vast sarcophagus. The ground was very hard. -The more I worked the more I felt that I was desecrating the burial -place of a mighty race of men, now powerless to defend themselves -against the vandal hands that sought to mar their eternal slumber. - -I resolved to continue my researches according to the - -Vicarious plan. I secured the services of a hardened, soulless hireling, -who did not wot of the solemn surroundings, and who could dig faster -than I could. He proceeded with the excavation business, while I sought -a shady dell where I could weep alone. - -It was a solemn thought, indeed. I murmured softly to myself--= - -````The knights are dust, - -````Their swords are rust; - -````Their souls are with - -```The saints, we trust.= - -Just then a wood-tick ran up one of my alabaster limbs about nine feet, -made a location and began to do some work on it under the United States -mining laws. - -I removed him by force and submitted him to the dry crushing process -between a piece of micaceous slate and a fragment of deodorized, -copper-stained manganese. - -But we were speaking of the Aztecs, not the woodticks. - -Nothing on earth is old save by comparison. The air we breathe and which -we are pleased to call fresh air, is only so comparatively. It is the -same old air. As a recent air it is not so fresh as "Silver Threads -Among the Gold." - -It has been in one form and another through the ever shifting ages all -along the steady march of tireless time, but it is the same old union of -various gaseous elements floating through space, only remodeled for the -spring trade. - -All we see or hear or feel, is old. Truth itself is old. Old and falling -into disuse, too. Outside of what I am using in my business, perhaps, -not over two or three bales are now on the market. - -Here in the primeval solitude, undisturbed by the foot of man, I had -found the crumbling remnants of those who once walked the earth in their -might and vaunted their strength among the powers of their world. - -No doubt they had experienced the first wild thrill of all powerful love, -and thought that it was a new thing. They had known, with mingled pain -and pleasure, when they struggled feebly against the omnipotent sway of -consuming passion, that they were mashed, and they flattered themselves -that they were the first in all the illimititable range of relentless -years who had been fortunate enough to get hold of the genuine thing. -All others had been base imitations. - -Here, perhaps, on this very spot, the Aztec youth with a bright eyed -maiden on his arm had pledged life-long fidelity to her shrine, and in -the midnight silence had stolen away from her with a pang of vigorous -regret, followed by the sobs of his soul's idol and the demoralizing, -leaden rain of buckshot, with the compliments and best wishes of the old -man. - -[Illustration: 9038] - -While I was meditating upon these things a glad shout from the scene -of operations attracted my attention. I rose and went to the scene of -excavation, and found, to my unspeakable astonishment and pleasure, that -the man had unearthed a large Queen Anne tear jug, with Etruscan -work upon the exterior. It was simply one of the old-fashioned -single-barrelled tear jugs, made for a one-eyed man to cry into. The -vessel was about eighteen inches in height by five or six inches in -diameter, and similar to the cut above. - -The graceful yet perhaps severe pottery of the Aztecs convinces me that -they were fully abreast of the present century in their knowledge of the -arts and sciences. - -Space will not admit of an extended description of this -ancient tear cooler, but I am still continuing the antiquarian -researches--vicariously, of course,--and will give this subject more -attention during the summer. - - - - -SUGGESTION'S FOR A SCHOOL OF JOURNALISM. - - -|A number of friends having personally asked me to express an opinion -upon the matter of an established school of journalism, as spoken of -by ex-May or Henry C. Robinson, of Hartford, Connecticut, and many more -through the West who are strangers to me personally, having written me -to give my views upon the subject, I have consented in so far that I -will undertake a simple synopsis of what the course should embrace. - -I most heartily indorse the movement, if it may be called such at this -early stage. Knowing a little of the intricacies of this branch of the -profession, I am going to state fully my belief as to its importance, -and the necessity for a thorough training upon it. We meet almost -everywhere newspaper men who are totally unfitted for the high office -of public educators through the all-powerful press. The woods is full -of them. We know that not one out of a thousand of those who are to-day -classed as journalists is fit for that position. - -I know that to be the case, because people tell me so. - -I cannot call to mind to-day, in all my wide journalistic acquaintance, -a solitary man who has not been pronounced an ass by one or more of my -fellow-men. This is indeed terrible state of affairs. - -In many instances these harsh criticisms are made by those who do not -know, without submitting themselves to a tremendous mental strain, the -difference between a "lower case" q and the old Calvinistic doctrine of -unanimous damnation, but that makes no difference; the true journalist -should strive to please the masses. He should make his whole life a -study of human nature and an earnest effort to serve the great reading -world collectively and individually. - -This requires a man, of course, with similar characteristics and the -same general information possessed by the Almighty but who would be -willing to work at a much more moderate salary. - -The reader will instantly see how difficult it is to obtain this class -of men. Outside of the mental giant who writes these lines and two or -three others, perhaps---- - -But never mind. I leave a grateful world to say that, while I map out a -plan for the ambitious young journalist who might be entering upon -the broad arena of newspaperdom, and preparing himself at a regularly -established school for that purpose. - -Let the first two years be devoted to meditation and prayer. This will -prepare the young editor for the surprise and consequent profanity which -in a few years he may experience when he finds in his boss editorial -that God is spelled with a little g, and the peroration of the article -has been taken out and carefully locked up between a death notice and -the announcement of the birth of a cross-eyed infant. - -The ensuing five years should be spent in becoming familiar with the -surprising and mirth-provoking orthography of the English language. - -Then would follow three years devoted to practice with dumb bells, sand -bags and slung shots, in order to become an athlete. I have found in my -own journalistic history more cause for regret over my neglect of this -branch than any other. I am a pretty good runner, but aside from that I -regret to say that as an athlete I am not a dazzling success. - -The above course of intermediate training would fit the student to enter -upon the regular curriculum. - -Then set aside ten years for learning the typographical art perfectly, -so that when visitors wish to look at the composing room, and ask the -editor to explain the use of the "hell box," he will not have to blush -and tell a gauzy lie about its being a composing stick. Let the young -journalist study the mysteries of type setting, distributing, press -work, gallies, italic, shooting sticks, type lice and other mechanical -implements of the printer's department. - -Five years should be spent in learning to properly read and correct -proof, as well as how to mark it on the margin like a Chinese map of the -Gunnison country. - -At least fifteen years should then be devoted to the study of American -politics and the whole civil service. This time could be extended five -years with great profit to the careful student who wishes, of course, to -know thoroughly the names and records of all public men, together with -the relative political strength of each party. - -He should then take a medical course and learn how to bind up -contusions, apply arnica, court plaster or bandages, plug up bullet -holes and prospect through the human system for buck shot. The reason of -this course which should embrace five years of close study, is apparent -to the thinking mind. - -Ten years should then be devoted to the study of law. No thorough -metropolitan editor wants to enter upon his profession without knowing -the difference between a writ of _mandamus_ and other styles of -profanity. He should thoroughly understand the entire system of American -jurisprudence, and be as familiar with the more recent decisions of the -courts as New York people are with the semi-annual letter of Governor -Seymour declining the Presidency. - -The student will by this time begin to see what is required of him and -will enter with greater zeal upon his adopted profession. - -He will now enter upon a theological course of ten years. He can then -write a telling editorial on the great question of What We Shall Do To -Be Saved without mixing up Calvin and Tom Paine with Judas Iscariot and -Ben Butler. - -The closing ten years of the regular course might be profitably used -in learning a practical knowledge of cutting cord wood, baking beans, -making shirts, lecturing, turning double handsprings, preaching the -gospel, learning how to make a good adhesive paste that will not sour -in hot weather, learning the art of scissors grinding, punctuation, -capitalization, prosody, plain sewing, music, dancing, sculping, -etiquette, how to win the affections of the opposite sex, the ten -commandments, every man his own teacher on the violin, croquet, rules -of the prize ring, parlor magic, civil engineering, decorative -art, calsomining, bicycling, base ball, hydraulics, botany, poker, -calisthenics, high-low jack, international law, faro, rhetoric, -fifteen-ball pool, drawing and painting, mule skinning, vocal music, -horsemanship, plastering, bull whacking, etc., etc., etc. - -At the age of 95 the student will have lost that wild, reckless -and impulsive style so common among younger and less experienced -journalists. He will emerge from the school with a light heart and a -knowledge-box loaded up to the muzzle with the most useful information. - -The hey day and springtime of life will, of course, be past, but the -graduate will have nothing to worry him any more, except the horrible -question which is ever rising up before the journalist, as to whether -he shall put his money into government four per cents or purchase real -estate in some growing town. - - - - -THE FRAGRANT MORMON. - - -|On Tuesday morning I went down to the depot to see a large train of -ten cars loaded with imported Mormons. I am not very familiar with the -workings of the Church of Latter-day Saints, but I went down to see the -350 proselytes on their way to their adopted home. I went simply out -of curiosity. Now my curiosity is satisfied. I haven't got to look at a -Mormon train again, and it fills my heart with a nameless joy about the -size of an elephant's lip, to think that I haven't got to do this any -more. All through the bright years of promise yet to come I need not -ever go out of my way to look at these chosen people. - -When I was a boy I had two terrible obstacles to overcome, and I have -dreaded them all my life until very recently. One was to eat a chunk of -Limberger cheese, and the other was to look at a Mormon emigrant train. - -After I visited the train I thought I might as well go and tackle the -Limberger cheese, and be out of my misery. I did so, and the cheese -actually tasted like a California pear, and smelled like the atter of -roses. It seemed to take the taste of the Mormons out of my mouth. - -I sometimes look at a carload of Montana cattle, or Western sheep, and -they seem to be a good deal travel-worn and out of repair, but they are -pure as the beautiful snow in comparison to what I saw Tuesday morning. - -Along the Union Pacific track, on either side, the green grass and -mountain flowers looked up into the glad sunlight, took one good smell -and died. Cattle were driven off the range, and the corpses of overland -tramps were strewn along the wake of this train, like the sands of the -sea. - -Deacon Bullard, Joe Arthur, Timber Line Jones and myself went over -together. Deacon Bullard thought that the party was from Poland and -went through the train inquiring for a man named Orlando Standemoff. -I claimed that they were Scandinavians, and I followed him through the -cars asking for a man named Twoquart Kettleson and Numerousotherson. -Neither of us were successful. - -One of these Mormons was overtaken near Point of Rocks, with an -irresistable desire to change his socks (no poetry intended) and before -the brakeman could lariat him and kill him, he had done so. - -The Union Pacific will abandon this part of the road now and leave this -point several miles away rather than spend two millions of dollars for -disinfectants. - - - - -RECOLLECTIONS OF THE OPERA. - - -|Most every one thinks that I don't know much about music and the opera, -but this is not the case. I am very enthusiastic over this class of -entertainment, and I will take the liberty to trespass upon the time -and patience of my readers for a few moments while I speak briefly but -graphically on this subject. A few evenings ago I had the pleasure of -listening to the rendition of the "Bohemian Girl" by Emma Abbott and her -troupe at the Grand Opera House. I was a little late, but the manager -had saved me a pleasant seat where I could alternately look at the stage -and out through the skylight into the clear autumn sky. - -The plot of the play seems to be that "Arline," a nice little chunk of -a girl, is stolen by a band of gypsies, owned and operated by -"Devilshoof," who looks some like "Othello" and some like Sitting Bull. -"Arline" grows up among the gypsies and falls in love with "Thaddeus." -"Thaddeus" was played by Brignoli. Brignoli was named after a -thoroughbred horse. - -"Arline" falls asleep in the gypsy camp and dreams a large majolica -dream, which she tells to "Thaddeus." She says that she dreamed that -she dwelt in marble halls and kept a girl and had a pretty fly time -generally, but after all she said it tickled her more to know that -"Thaddeus" loved her still the same, and she kept saying this to him -in G, and up on the upper register, and down on the second added line -below, and crescendo and diminuendo and deuodessimo, forward and back -and swing opposite lady to place, till I would have given 1,000 shares -paid-up non-assessable stock in the Boomerang if I could have been -"Thad." - -Brignoli, however, did not enter into the spirit of the thing. He made -me mad, and if it hadn't been for Em. I would have put on my hat and -gone home. He looked like the man who first discovered and introduced -Buck beer into the country. She would come and put her sunny head up -against his cardigan jacket and put one white arm on each shoulder and -sing like a bobolink, and tell him how all-fired glad she was that he -was still solid. I couldn't help thinking how small a salary I would be -willing to play "Thaddeus" for, but he stood there like a basswood man -with Tobias movement, and stuck his arms out like a sore toe, and told -her in F that he felt greatly honored by her attention, and hoped some -day to be able to retaliate, or words to that effect. - -I don't want any trouble with Brignoli, of course, but I am confident -I can lick him with one hand tied behind me, and although I seek no -quarrel with him, he knows my post office address, and I can mop the -North American continent with his remains, and don't you forget it. - -After awhile the "Gypsy Queen," who is jealous of "Arline," -puts up a job on her to get her arrested, and she is brought up before -her father, who is a Justice of the Peace for that precinct, and he -gives her $25 and trimmings, or thirty days in the Bastile. By and by, -however, he catches sight of her arm, and recognizes her by a large red -Goddess of Liberty tattooed on it, and he remits the fine and charges up -the costs to the county. - -Her father wants her to marry a newspaper man and live in affluence, but -"Arline" still hankers for "Thad.," and turns her back on the oriental -magnificence of life with a journalist. But "Thaddeus" is poor. All -he seems to have is what he can gather from the community after office -hours, and the chickens begin to roost high and he is despondent -apparently. Just as "Arline" is going to marry the newspaper man, -according to the wishes of her pa, "Thaddeus" sails in with an -appointment as Notary Public, bearing the Governor's big seal upon it, -and "Arline" pitches into the old man and plays it pretty fine on him -till he relents and she marries "Thaddeus," and they go to housekeeping -over on the West Side, and he makes a bushel of money as Notary Public, -and everybody sings, and the band plays, and she is his'n, and he is -her'n. - -There is a good deal of singing in this opera. Most everybody sings. I -like good singing myself. - -Emma Abbott certainly warbles first-rate, and her lovemaking takes me -back to the halcyon days when I cared more for the forbidding future of -my moustache, and less for meal-time than I do now. But Brignoli is no -singer according to my aesthetic taste. He sings like a man who hasn't -taken out his second papers yet, and his stomach is too large. It gets -in the way and "Arline" has to go around it and lean up on his flank -when she wants to put her head on his breast. - - - - -A SUNNY LITTLE INCIDENT. - - -|Thursday evening, in company with a friend, I rode up into the city -on the Rock Island train and was agreeably surprised by seeing a Rocky -Mountain man, a few seats ahead, sitting with a lady who seemed to -be very much in love with him, and he was trying the best he knew -to out-gush her. Now the gentleman's wife was at home in Wyoming in -blissful ignorance of all this business while he was ostensibly buying -his fall and winter stock of goods in Chicago. - -The most obtuse observer could see that the companion of this man was -not his wife, for she was gentle toward him, and looked lovingly in his -eyes. Every one in the car laid aside all other business and watched the -performance. - -Then I whispered to my friend and said, "That is not the wife of that -man. I can tell by the way they look into the depths of each other's -eyes and ignore the other passengers. I'll bet ten dollars he has seven -children and a wife at home right now. Isn't it scandalous?" - -"You can't always tell that way," said my friend. "I've seen people who -had been married twenty years who were just as loving and spooney as -that." - -He was biting a little, so I kept at him till he put up the ten dollars -and agreed to leave it with the man himself. It was taking an advantage -of my friend, of course, but he had played a miserable joke on me only -a few days before; so I covered the $10, and walking up to the man I -slapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hullo, George. How do you think -you feel?" - -He looked around surprised and amazed, as I knew he would be, but he -wouldn't let on that he knew me. So I slapped him on the shoulder again, -and gurgled a low musical laugh that welled up from the merry depths of -my joyous nature, and filled the car full of glad and child-like melody. - -My friend came forward and said, "Mr. Van Horn, let me make you -acquainted with Mr. Nye, of Wyoming, who lives in a wild country, where -every one goes up to every one else and says, hello, George or Jim, no -matter whether he is acquainted or not. You musn't pay any attention to -it at all; he don't mean anything by it. It is his way." - -It was Mr. Van Horn, who had lived in Illinois for thirty-five years and -had been married ten years to the lady who sat with him. That evening my -friend and I went to Hooley's to see Robson and Crane, in the "Comedy of -Errors." The play is supposed to be funny. Several people laughed at the -performance at various stages, but I did not, for just as I would get to -feeling comfortable the man who sat next to me, and who claimed to be a -friend of mine, would lean over, and say: - -"Hullo, George; how do you think you feel?" Then he would burst forth -into the coarsest and most vulgar laughter. How few people there are -in the world who seem to thoroughly understand the eternal fitness of -things, and how many there are who laugh gaily on in the presence of -those who suffer in silence, and with superhuman strength stifle their -corroding woe. - - - - -HE REWARDED HER. - - -|A noble, generous-hearted man in Cheyenne lost a wallet on Saturday, at -the Key City House, and an honest chambermaid found it in his room. The -warm heart of the man swelled with gratitude, and seemed to reach out -after all mankind, that he might in some way assist them with the $250 -which was lost, and was found again. So he fell on the neck of the -chambermaid, and while his tears took the starch out of her linen -collar, he put his hand in his pocket and found her a counterfeit -twenty-five cent scrip. "Take this," he said, between his sobs, "virtue -is its own reward. Do not use it unwisely, but put it into Laramie -County bonds, where thieves cannot corrupt, nor moths break through and -gnaw the corners off." - - - - -THE MODERN PARLOR STOVE. - - -|In view of the new and apparently complex improvements in heating -stoves, and the difficulty of readily operating them successfully, a -word or two as to their correct management may not be out of place at -this time. - -Some time since, having worn out my old stove and thrown it aside, I -purchased a new one called the "Fearfully and Wonderfully Maid." It had -been highly spoken of by a friend, so I set it up in the parlor, turned -on steam, threw the throttle wide open, and waited to see how it would -operate. At the first stroke of the piston I saw that something was -wrong with the reversible turbine wheel, and I heard a kind of grating -sound, no doubt caused by the rubbing of the north-east trunnion on the -face plate of the ratchet-slide. Being utterly ignorant of the workings -of the stove, I attempted to remedy this trouble without first reversing -the boomerang, and in a few moments the gas accumulated so rapidly that -the cross-head gave way, and the right ventricle of the buffer-beam -was blown higher than Gilroy's kite, carrying with it the saddle-plate, -bull-wheel and monkey-wrench. Of course it was very careless to overlook -what the merest school-boy ought to know, for not only were all these -parts of the stove a total wreck, but the crank-arbor, walking-beam -and throat-latch were twisted out of shape, and so mixed up with the -feed-cam, tumbling-rod, thumb-screw, dial-plate and colic indicator, -that I was obliged to send for a practical engineer at an expense of -$150, with board and travelling expenses, to come and fix it up. - -Now, there is nothing more simple than the operation of one of these -stoves, with the most ordinary common sense. At first, before starting -your fire, see that the oblique diaphragm and eccentric shaft are in -their true position; then step to the rear of the stove and reverse -the guide plate, say three quarters of an inch, force the stretcher bar -forward and loosen the gang-plank. After this start your fire, throw -open the lemon-squeezer and right oblique hydraulic, see that the -tape-worm pinion and Aurora Borealis are well oiled, bring the rotary -pitman forward until it corresponds with the maintop mizzen, let go the -smoke stack, horizontal duodenum, thorough brace and breech-pin, and as -the stove begins to get under way you can slide forward the camera; see -that the ramrod is in its place, unscrew the cerebellum, allow the -water guage to run up to about 750 in the shade, keep your eye on the -usufruct, and the stove cannot fail to give satisfaction. The Fearfully -and Wonderully Maid may not be a cheap or durable stove, but for -simplicity and beauty of execution, she seems to excel and lay over, and -everlastingly get away with all other stoves, by a very large majority. - - - - -REMARKS TO ORIGINATORS. - - -|It is the wild delight which comes with the glad moment of discovery, -and the feeling that he is treading on unexplored ground, that thrills -the genius, whether he be a writer, a speaker, an inventor of electric -light, or the man who firsts gets the idea for a new style of suspender. - -Think how Carl Schurz must have broken forth into a grand piano -voluntary, when he knew for a dead moral certainty that he had struck a -new lead in the Indian policy. It was the sweet feeling of newness, -such as we feel when for the first time we put on a new, rough flannel -undershirt, and it occupies our attention all the time and brings us to -the scratch. - -Think how the 2571 originators of "Beautiful Snow" must have felt when -they woke up in the night and composed seventeen or eighteen stanzas of -it with the mercury at 43 degrees below par. - -Think how Franklin must have felt when he invented electricity and knew -that he had at last found something that could be used in sending cipher -dispatches over the country. - -Think how Hayes must have danced the highland fling around the executive -mansion when the first idea of civil service reform dashed like a sheet -of lightning through his brain. - -These are only a few isolated illustrations of the unalloyed joy of -discovery. They go to show, however, that the true genius and the true -originator--whether he be simply the first man to work the vein of an -idea, or the inventor of a patent safety-pin--is the man who makes -the world better. He is the boss. He is the man to whom we look for -delightful surprises and pleasant items of the world's progress. Then do -not be discouraged, ye who linger along the worn-out ruts where others -have travelled. Brace up and press onward. Perhaps you may invent a new -style of spelling, or something unique in the line of profanity. Do -not lose hope. Hope on, hope ever. Give your attention to the matter of -improving the average Indian editorial. Or if you cannot do even this, -go into your laboratory and work nights till you invent a deadly poison -that will knock the immortal soul out of the average bedbug, or produce -a frightful mortality among cockroaches, or book agents, or some other -annoying insect. Invent a directory, or a glittering falsehood, or a -napkin-ring, or a dog-collar, or a cork screw. Do something, no matter -how small, for the advancement of civilization. - - - - -QUEER - - -|An exchange says that the people of that locality were considerably -excited the other day over a three-cornered dog fight that occurred -there. This is not surprising. Had it been simply a combat between -oblong or rectangular dogs, or even a short but common-place fight -between rhombohedral or octagonal dogs it would not have attracted any -attention, but an engagement between triangular dogs is something that -calls forth our wonder and surprise. - - - - -SIC SEMPER GLORIA HOUSEPLANT. - - -|Evidently it is an ill wind that blows nobody good. Although this -severe weather froze up the water barrel and doubles the coal bill, I -am filled with a great large feeling of gratitude and pleasure this -evening, for the last pale house plant, which for two or three weeks -has been sighing for immortality, last night about midnight, got all the -immortality it wanted, and this morning no doubt it is blooming in the -new Jerusalem. I am glad it will bloom somewhere. It never got up steam -enough to bloom here. - -The head of the house thought he heard the rustle of wings in the still -hours of night, and arising in all the voluptuous sweep of his night -robe, and with the clear white beams of the winter moon lighting up -the angles and gothic architecture of his picturesque proportions, he -stepped to the bedside of the sickly little thing to ask if there was -anything he could do, any last words that the little plant would like to -have preserved, or anything of the kind, but it was too late. John Frost -had been there, and touched the little thing with his icy finger, and -all was still. The agricultural editor breathed a sigh of relief and -went back to rest, neglecting to awaken the other members of the house, -because he did not want a scene. - -Any one desiring a medium sized flower-pot as good as new, can obtain -one at this office very reasonably. - - - - -HOW TO TELL. - - -|For the benefit of my readers, many of whom are not what might be -called practical newspaper men and women, I will say that if your -time is very precious, and life is too short for you to fool away your -evenings reading local advertisements, and you are at times in grave -doubt as to what is advertisement and what is news, just cast your eye -to the bottom of the article, and if there is a foot-note which says -"_ty4-fritu, 3dp&wly, hcolnrm, br-jn7, 35tfwly, &df-codtf_," or something of -that stripe, you may safely say that no matter how much confidence you -may have had in the editor up to that date, the article with a foot-note -of that kind is published from a purely mercenary motive, and the editor -may or may not endorse the sentiments therein enunciated. - - - - -BIOGRAPHY OF COLOROW. - - -|Brigadier-General Wm. H. Colorow was born on the frontier in July, -1824, of poor but honest parents. Early in 1843, he obtained the -appointment to West Point through the influence of his Congressmen. -While at West Point he was the leader of the Young Men's Christian -Association, and now, if the army officers knew the grips, passwords -and signals of the Association, and would use them, much good might be -accomplished in bringing the General to terms, as he still respects the -organization. But most of the army officers are a little rusty in the -secret work of the Y. M. C. A. - -Lieutenant Colorow, after graduating at the head of his class, came -west to engage in the scalp trade, in which he has been very successful. -"Colorow's Great Oriental Hair Raiser and Scalp Agitator" is known and -respected all over the civilized world. - -He has also held the position of Master of Transportation on the air -line route from Colorado to Kingdom Come. His promotion has been rapid -and his career has been filled with wonderful incidents. - -General Colorow is not above the medium height. He wears his hair -straight, and parted in the middle--a habit he contracted while at West -Point. He sometimes parts the white man's hair in the middle also. He -does it with his little hatchet. He is rather inclined to the brunette -order of architecture, with Gothic nose, Eastlake jaws, and ears of the -Queen Anne style. His hair is turning gray and his face is burned and -specked with powder, caused by an explosion which came near terminating -an eventful career. - -Brigadier-General Colorow owns considerable stock in some of the best -North Park mines. Occasionally, he goes out to the Park to see how these -mines are panning out. Then the miners, out of respect for his feelings, -leave the mines and come into town to see what is the latest news from -the front. Some of the miners have neglected to come in at times when -the General was visiting the mines. They are there yet. I have a mine -out there but I am getting along first-rate without it, and I have been -thinking that when the General celebrates his silver wedding, I will -send up this mine to his residence, wrapped up in a clean napkin, with -his monogram worked on it. - - - - -DIARY OF A SAUCY YOUNG THING. - - -|It may be wrong to publish the contents of a diary, but the following -notes in a new diary found yesterday, are too good to lose: - -Jan. 1, 1877. To-day is New Year's day. Last night was Sunday night. I -remember it distinctly. George and I watched the old year out and the -new year in. George is awful kind-hearted. He has quit using tobacco on -my account. He hasn't taken a chew this year. - -Jan. 3. I didn't get time to write anything yesterday. - -Jan. 4. This is Thursday. Day after to-morrow will be Saturday, and the -next day will be Sunday. - -Jan. 8. George was here last evening. I found some tobacco in his -overcoat. Can he be deceiving me? O what false hearts men have! We had -popcorn last evening. George and I ate a milk-pan full. He says popcorn -seems to supply a want long felt. I don't know where he heard that. - -Jan. 9. Another long week before the blessed rest and quiet of the -Sabbath. I met George yesterday near the postoffice, and he didn't laugh -as he once laughed. I wonder what makes him so sad. Maybe it's going -without tobacco, or perhaps it's a boil. O what a world of woe! - -Jan. 10. George is trying to raise a moustache. It looks like a -Norwegian's eyebrow. It is genuine camel's hair. George's mother treats -him unkindly, because he has pearl powder on his coat sleeves Monday -morning. Four more days and the peace and quiet of the Sabbath will be -here. I am a great admirer of Sunday. - -Jan. 11. To-day is Thursday. O pshaw, I can't keep a diary. - - - - -KILLING OFF THE JAMES' BOYS. - - -|Now that a terrible mortality has again broken out among the James' -boys, it is but justice to a family who have received so many gratuitous -obituary notices, to say that the James' boys are still alive and -enjoying a reasonable amount of health and strength. - -Although the papers are generally agreed upon the statement that they -are more or less dead, yet in a few days the telegraph will announce -their death again. They are dying on every hand. Hardly a summer zephyr -stirs the waving grass that it does not bear upon its wings the dying -groan of the James' boys. Every blast of winter howls the requiem of -a James' boy. James' boys have died in Texas and in Minnesota, in New -England and on the Pacific coast. They have been yielding up the ghost -whenever they had a leisure moment. They would rob a bank or a printing -office, or some other place where wealth is known to be stored, and then -they would die. When business was very active one of the brothers would -stay at home and attend to work while the other would go and lay down -his life. - -Whenever the yellow fever let up a little the Grim Destroyer would go -for a James' boy, and send him to his long home. - -The men who have personally and individually killed the James' boys from -time to time, contemplate holding a grand mass meeting and forming a new -national party. This will no doubt be the governing party next year. - -Let us institute a reform. Let us ignore the death of every plug who -claims to be a James' boy, unless he identifies himself. Let us examine -the matter and see if the trade mark is on every wrapper or blown in -the bottle, before we fill the air with woe and bust the broad canopy -of heaven wide open with our lamentations over the untimely death of the -James' boys. If we succeed in standing them off while they live we can -afford to control our grief and silently battle with our emotions when -they are still in death, until we know we are snorting and bellowing -over the correct corpse. - - - - -A RELIC. - - -|The Hutchinson family gave a concert last evening at the Methodist -church, according to advertisement, and were greeted with a fair house. -The entertainment did not awaken very loud applause, nor very much of -it. The songs were not new. Many of them I had almost forgotten, but -they were trotted out last evening and driven around the track in pretty -fair time. - -The fresh little quartette entitled, "Tommy, don't Go," was brought -forward during the entertainment. I could see that this song has failed -very much since I last met it. Its teeth are falling out, and it is -getting very bald-headed. It will probably make two or three more grand -farewell concerts and then it will be found dead in its bed some morning -before breakfast. - -"Silver Threads Among the Gold" was omitted from the programme. - -The old melodeon that I remember was rickety and out of repair when I -was a prattling infant, was on the stage last evening. It is about -the size of a mouth organ, but the tone is not as clear. It is getting -wheezy, and a short breath shows that it is beginning to feel the -infirmities of age. The pumping arrangement makes more noise than the -music, and something is the matter with the exhaust pipe. But when the -old man opened the throttle and gave her sand, she would make a good -deal of racket for such a little thing. After the concert was over, Mr. -Hutchinson rolled up the melodeon in his pocket handkerchief and took it -home. - -Take the entertainment up one side and down the other, I was not -much tickled with it. For those who like to drift back into the musty -centuries gone by, and shake hands with the skeletons of forgotten ages, -it is all right; but the time has come when a troupe cannot travel upon -anything but true merit, and the public require that those who ask for -money shall give some kind of an equivalent. - - - - -SOME REASONS WHY I CAN'T BE AN INDIAN AGENT. - - -|I see by the Western press that my name has been suggested to the -Secretary of the Interior as a suitable one for the appointment of -Indian Agent at the Uncompahgre Agency to succeed Berry; and, while I -must express my grateful acknowledgment for the apparent faith and -childlike confidence reposed in me by the people of Colorado, I must -gently but firmly decline the proffered distinction. - -In the first place, my other duties will not admit of it. My time is -very much occupied at present in my journalistic work, and should there -be a falling off in my chaste and picturesque contributions to the -press, the great surging world of literature would be surprised and -grieved. - -Again, I could not entirely lay aside this class of work anyway, even -were I to accept the position, and as I cannot write without being -wrapped in the most opaque gloom and perfect calm I would be annoyed, I -know, by the war-whoops of the savage when he got to playing croquet in -the front yard, and whenever he got to shooting at me through the window -while I was composing a poem, I am perfectly positive that I would get -restless and the divine afflatus would cease to give down. - -The true poet loves seclusion and soothing rest. That is the secret of -his even numbers and smooth cadences. Look at Dryden, and Walt Whitman, -and Milton, and Burns, and the Sweet Singer of Michigan. What could any -of them have done with the house full of children of the forest who were -hankering for a fresh pail of gore for lunch? - -Further than this, I have not that gentle magnetic power over the -untutored savage that some have. I am agitated all the time by a nervous -dread that if I go near him I may lose my self-command and kill him. -I would lose my temper some day when I felt irritable, I'm afraid, and -shoot into a drove of them and mangle them horribly if they refused to -dig the potatoes, or got rebellious and wouldn't do the fall plowing. - -Then I would have to hunt up a suitable military post 200 or 300 miles -away and stay there till the popular feeling in the tribe had cooled -down a little. - -Then, again, the Utes would invite me to attend the regular social hops -during the winter, and I wouldn't know what to do, for it would be -bad policy to refuse, and yet I don't know the first figure of the -war-dance. I dance like a club-footed camel, anyway, and when I got -mixed up in the scalp-dance the floor-manager would get mad at me -probably, and chop some large irregular notches in me with a broad-ax. - -Then their costumes are so low-necked and so exceedingly dress, and -everything is so all-fired decolette, whatever that is. I would probably -insist on wearing a liver-pad on a chilblain, and they wouldn't dance -with me all the evening, and I would be a wall-flower, and they would -call me a perfect dud, and would laugh at the way my liver-pad was cut, -and I would go home and cry myself to sleep over the whole miserable -affair. - -So that perhaps it would be just as well to plug along as I am and not -get ambitious. The life of the ostensible humorist may not be so fraught -with untrammeled nature and sylvan retreats, and wild, picturesque -canons, and bosky dells, and things of that kind, but it is cheering and -comforting to put your hand on the top of your head and feel that it is -still on deck, and, although wealth may not come pouring in upon you in -such an irresistible torrent as you may desire, you know that if you can -get enough to eat from day to day, and dodge the Vigilance Committee and -the celluloid pie, you are comparatively safe. - -Besides all this, I am afraid I am not in proper spiritual shape to go -among the Indians., Suppose that on some softened, mellow, autumnal day -they were all clustered about me with the bacon grease and war paint on -every childlike countenance, and while I stood there in the midst of all -the autumn splendor with the woods clothed in all the gorgeous apparel -of the deceased year, telling them of the beauties of industry, and -peace, and the glad unfettered life of the buckwheat promoter, or while -I read a passage of Scripture to them and was explaining it, and they -were looking up into my face with their great fawnlike eyes, all at once -one of them should playfully shoot my wife--all the wife I had, too--or -my hired girl! The chances are about even that I would throw down the -Bible and fly into an ungovernable rage and swear, and be just as harsh, -and rude, and unreasonable as I could be. Then, after I had hammered the -immortal soul out of the entire tribe, and my wrath had spent itself, I -would probably bitterly regret it all. - -O it's of no use. I can't accept the position. I've been in the habit -of swearing at the spring poet and the "constant reader" too long, and -I know just as well as any one how it unfits me for every walk of life -that requires meekness and gentle Christian forbearance. - - - - -THE PICNIC SNOOZER'S LAMENT. - -```Gently lay aside the picnic, - -````For its usefulness is o'er, - -```And the winter style of misery - -````Stands and knocks upon your door.= - -```Lariat the lonely oyster - -```Drifting on some foreign shore; - -```Zion needs him in her business-- - -````She can use him o'er and o'er.= - -```Bring along the lonely oyster, - -````With the winter style of gloom, - -```And the supper for the pastor, - -````With its victims for the tomb.= - -```Cast the pudding for the pastor,` - -```With its double iron door; - -```It will gather in the pastor` - -```For the bright and shining shore.= - -```Put away the little picnic - -````Till the coming of the spring; - -```Useless now the swaying hammock` - -```And the idle picnic swing.= - -```Put away the pickled spider` - -```And the cold-pressed picnic fly, - -```And the decorated trousers - -````With their wealth of custard pie.= - - - - -BILLIOUS NYE AND BOOMERANG IN THE GOLD MINES. - - -|Whenever the cares of life weigh too heavily upon me, and the _ennui_ -which comes to those who have more wealth than they know what to do with -settles down upon me, and I get weary of civilization, I like to load -up my narrow-gauge mule Boomerang and take a trip into the mountains. I -call my mule Boomerang because I never know where he is going to -strike. He is a perpetual surprise to me in this respect. A protracted -acquaintance with him, however, has taught me to stand in front of him -when I address him, for the recoil of Boomerang is very disastrous. -Boomerang is very much below the medium height, with a sad, faraway look -in his eye. He has an expression of woe and disappointment and gloom, -because life has been to him a series of blasted hopes and shattered -ambitions. - -In his youth he yearned to be the trick-mule of a circus, and though he -fitted himself for that profession, he finds himself in the decline of -life with his bright anticipations nothing but a vast and robust ruin. -About all the relaxation he has is to induce some trusting stranger to -caress his favorite chilblain, and then he kicks the confiding stranger -so high that he can count the lamp-posts on the streets of the New -Jerusalem. When Boomerang and I visit a mining camp the supplies of -giant powder and other combustibles are removed to some old shaft -and placed under a strong guard. In one or two instances where this -precaution was not taken the site of the camp is now a desolate, barren -waste, occupied by the prairie-dog and the jack-rabbit. When Boomerang -finds a nitro-glycerine can in the heart of a flourishing camp, and -has room to throw himself, he can arrange a larger engagement for the -coroner than any mule I ever saw. - -There is a new camp in the valley of the Big Laramie River, near the -dividing line between Wyoming and Colorado. A few weeks ago the murmur -of the rapid river down the canon and the cheerful solo of the cayote -alone were heard. Now several hundred anxious excited miners are -prospecting for gold, and the tent-town grows apace. Up and down the -sides of the river and over the side of the mountain every little way a -notice greets the eye announcing that "the undersigned claim 1,500 feet -in length by 300 feet in width upon" the lode known as the Pauper's -Dream, or the Blue Tail Fly, or the Blind Tom, or the Captain Kidd, or -the Pigeon-Toed Pete, with all the dips, spurs, angles, gold and silver -bearing rock or earth therein contained. - -I have a claim further on in the North Park of Colorado. I have always -felt a little delicate about working it, because heretofore several -gentlemen from the Ute reservation on White River have claimed it. They -are the same parties who got into a little difficulty with Agent Meeker -and killed him. Of course these parties are not _bona fide_ citizens of -the United States, and therefore cannot hold my claim under the mining -law; but I have not as yet raised the point with them. Whenever they -would go over into the park for rest and recreation, I would respect -their feelings and withdraw. I didn't know but they might have some -private business which they did not wish me to overhear, so I came away. - -Once I came away in the night. It is cooler travelling in the night, and -does not attract so much attention. Last summer Antelope and his band -came over into the park and told the miners that he would give them "one -sleep" to get out of there. I told him that I didn't care much for sleep -anyhow, and I would struggle along somehow till I got home. I told him -that my constitution would stand it first-rate without rest, and I felt -as though my business in town might be suffering in my absence. So -I went home. The mine is there yet, but I would sell it very -reasonably--very reasonably indeed. I do not apprehend any trouble from -the Indians, but I have lost my interest in mines to some extent, The -Indians are not all treacherous and bloodthirsty as some would suppose. -Only the live ones are that way. Wooden Indians are also to be relied -upon. - -In digging an irrigating ditch on the Laramie Plains, last summer, the -skeleton of an Indian chief was plowed up. I went to look at him. He -had, no doubt, been dead many years; but in the dry alkaline divide, at -an elevation of nearly 8,000 feet above sea level, his skull had been -preserved pretty well. I took it in my hand and looked it over and -shook the sand out of it, and convinced myself that life was extinct. An -Indian is not always dead when he has that appearance. I always feel a -little timid till I see his scapula, and ribs, and shin bones mixed -up so that Gabriel would rather arrange a 15 puzzle than to fix up -an Indian out of the wreck. Then I have the most child-like faith and -confidence in him. When some avenging fate overtakes a Ute and knocks -him into pi, and thus makes a Piute out of him, and flattens him -out like a postage stamp, and pulverizes him, and runs him over the -amalgator, and assays him so that he lies in the retort like a seidlitz -powder, then I feel that I can trust him. I do not care then how much -the cold world may scoff at him. Prior to that I am very reserved and -very reticent. - -That is why I presented my mine to the Ute nation as a slight token of -my respect and esteem. Then I went away. I did not hurry much, but I -had every inducement and encouragement to reach home at the earliest -possible moment, and the result was very gratifying. Very much so, -indeed. I left my gun and ammunition, but it did not matter. It wasn't a -very good gun anyhow. I do not need it. Any one going into the park this -summer can have it. It is standing behind the door of the cabin between -the piano and the whatnot. - - - - -TWO GREAT MEN. - - -|Mr. Thompson, Secretary of the Navy, passed through here on his way to -San Francisco on Wednesday evening, with his party. - -In company with Delegate Downey, Judge Blair and United States Marshal -Schnitger, I went into the Secretary's special car and talked with him -while the train stopped here. - -The other members of the party did most of the talking and I eloquently -sat on the back of a chair and whistled a few bars from a little -operatta that I am having cast at the rolling-mill. I am not very -hilarious in the presence of great at men. I am not so much at home in -their society as I am in my own quiet little boudoir, with one leg over -the piano, and the other tangled up among the $2,500 lace curtains and -Majolica dogs. - -Bye and bye I thought that I had better show the Secretary that I knew -more than the casual observer would suppose, and I said, "Mr. Thompson, -how's your navy looking this summer? Have you sheared your iron-clad -rams yet, and if so, what will the clip average do you think?" He -laughed a merry, rippling laugh, and said if he were at home he would -swear that he was in the presence of the mental giant, William G. Le -Duc. - -I was very much pleased with the Secretary. This will insure the -brilliant success of his Western trip. - -He paid the Laramie plains a high compliment; said they were greener, -and the grass was far superior to that of any part of the country -through which he had passed. He said he was as positive of Garfield's -election as he was of reaching San Francisco, and chatted pleasantly -upon the general topics of the day. - -I could see that he was accustomed to the very best society, for -he stood there in the blinding glare of my dazzling beauty, as -self-possessed and cool as though he were at home talking with Ben -Butler and Conkling and Carpenter and other rising young men. - -There is a striking resemblance between the Secretary and myself. We are -both tall and slender, with roguish eyes and white hair. His, however, -is white from age, and is a kind of bluish white. Mine is white because -it never had moral courage or strength of character enough to be any -other color. It also has more of a lemon-colored tinge to it than the -Secretary's has. - -We resemble each other in several more respects. One is that we are -both United States officials. He is a member of the Cabinet, and I am a -United States Commissioner. We are both great men, but I have succeeded -better in keeping it a profound secret than he has. - - - - -DIRTY MURPHY. - - -|On Thursday a man known by the Castillian nom de plume of Dirty Murphy, -was engaged in digging out a frozen water-pipe in front of the New York -House, when the glowing inspiration came upon him that the frozen earth -could be blasted much easier than it could be dug, so he drilled a -hole down to the pipe and put in a shot preparatory to lifting a large -portion of the universe out by the roots and laying bare the foundations -of the earth. - -John Humpfner, the ram-rod of the New York House, feared that the -explosion might break the large French plate glass windows of his -palatial hotel, and so put a wash tub over the blast. What the exact -notion of Mr. Humpfner was relative to the result in this case, I am -unable to say, but when the roar of the universal convulsion had died -away, and the result was examined by Mr. Humpfner and the Count de Dirty -Murphy, they looked surprised. - -Instead of blowing out a large tract of land and laying bare the -entire water and gas system of the city, the blast blew out like a sick -fire-cracker with a loose fuse, and, taking the washtub with it, sailed -away into the realms of space. It crashed through the milky way and -passed on in its mad flight into the boundless stretch of the unknown. -Those who saw the affair and had no interest in the wash-tub, enjoyed -it very much, but to the incorporators and bondholders who held the -controlling interest in the tub, the whole thing seemed a hollow mockery -and a desolate, dreary waste. Don Miguel de Dirty Murphy swooned on -the spot. The hose has been playing on him ever since, but he has not -returned to consciousness. The later geological formations have -been washed away, and it is thought that by working a night shift, -prehistoric and volcanic encrustations will be removed so that the pores -may be opened and life and animation return, but it is a long, tedious -job, and the superintending geologist is beginning to despair. - - - - -A ROCKY MOUNTAIN SUNSET. - - -|Speaking of the hours of closing day reminds me that we have recently -witnessed some of the most brilliant and beautiful sunsets here that -I have ever seen. In justice to Wyoming, I will say that she certainly -deserves a word for the gorgeous splendor of her summer sunset skies. - -The air is perfectly pure, and at that hour the sighing zephyr seems to -have sighed about all it wants to and dies away to rest. The pulse of -tired Nature is almost still, and the luxurious sense of rest is upon -the face of the silent world. The god of day drops slowly down the -crimson west, as though he reluctantly bade adieu to the grassy plains -and rugged hills. Anon the golden bars of resplendent light are shot -across the deep blue of heaven, the fleecy clouds are tipped and -bordered with pale gold, while the heavy billows of bronze are floating -in a mighty ocean of the softest azure. The blue grows deeper and the -gold more dazzling. The scarlet becomes intensified and the softened -east takes up the magnificent reflection. The hills and mountains are -bathed in the beams of this occidental splendor, and the landscape -adorns itself in honor of nature's most wonderful diurnal spectacle. - -It is certainly the boss. These mountain sunsets in the pure, clear air -of Wyoming and Colorado, as thrilling triumphs of natural loveliness, -most unquestionably take the cake. - -The Italian sunset is a good fair average sunset, but the admission is -too high. It also lacks expression and _embonpoint_, whatever that may -be. - -May be it is not _embonpoint_ which it lacks, but it is something of -that nature. - -These beautiful sights awake the poet's soul within me, and on one -occasion I wrote a little ode or apostrophe to the sunset, which was -as sweet a little thing as I ever saw in the English language, but -the taxidermist spoiled it. He left it out in the hot sun while he was -stuffing a sage hen, and the poor little thing seemed to wilt and retire -from the public gaze. - - - - -THE TEMPERATURE OF THE BUMBLE-BEE. - - -|A recent article on bees says, "If you have noticed bees very closely, -you may have seen that they are not all alike in size." - -I have noticed bees very closely indeed, during my life. In fact I have -several times been thrown into immediate juxtaposition with them, and -have had a great many opportunities to observe their ways, and I am free -to say that I have not been so forcibly struck with the difference in -their size as the noticeable difference in their temperature. - -I remember at one time of sitting by a hive watching the habits of the -bees, and thinking how industrious they were, and what a wide difference -there is between the toilsome life of the little insect, and the -enervating, aimless, idle and luxurious life of the newspaper man, -when an impulsive little bee lit in my hair. He seemed to be feverish. -Whereever he settled down he seemed to leave a hot place. I learned -afterward that it was a new kind of bee called the anti-clinker -base-burner bee. - -O, yes, I have studied the ways of the bee very closely. He is supposed -to improve each shining hour. That's the great objection I have to him. -The bee has been thrown up to me a great deal during my life, and the -comparison was not flattering. It has been intimated that I resembled -the bee that sits on the piazza of the hive all summer and picks his -teeth, while the rest are getting in honey and beeswax for the winter -campaign. - - - - -DRAWBACKS OF PUBLIC LIFE. - - -|I always like to tell anything that has the general effect of turning -the laugh on me, because then I know there will be no hard feelings. It -is very difficult to select any one who will stand publicity when that -publicity is more amusing to the average reader than to the chief actor. -Every little while I run out of men who enjoy being written about in -my chaste and cheerful vein. Then I hate to come forward and take -this position myself. It is not egotism, as some might suppose. It is -unselfishness and a manly feeling of self-sacrifice. - -Last year I consented to read the Declaration of Independence, as my -share of the programme, partially out of gallantry toward the Goddess -of Liberty, and partly to get a ride with the chaplain and orator of the -day, through the principal streets behind the band. It was a very proud -moment for me. I felt as though I was holding up one corner of the -national fabric myself, and I naturally experienced a pardonable pride -about it. I sat in the carriage with the compiled laws of Wyoming under -my arm, and looked like Daniel Webster wrapped in a large bale of holy -calm. At the grounds I found that most everybody was on the speakers' -stand, and the audience was represented by a helpless and unhappy -minority. - -At a Fourth of July celebration it is wonderful how many great men -there are, and how they swarm on the speakers' platform. Then there are -generally about thirteen venerable gentlemen who do not pretend to be -great, but they cannot hear very well, so they get on the speakers' -stand to hear the same blood-curdling statements that they have heard -for a thousand years. While I was reading the little burst of humor -known as the Declaration, the staging gave way under the accumulated -weight of the Fourth Infantry band and several hundred great men who had -invited themselves to sit on the platform. The Chaplain fell on top -of me, and the orator of the day on top of him. A pitcher of ice water -tipped over on me, and the water ran down my back. A piece of scantling -and an alto horn took me across the cerebellum, and as often as I tried -to get up and throw off the Chaplain and orator of the day and Fourth -Infantry band, the greased pig which had been shut up under the stand -temporarily, would run between my legs and throw me down again. I never -knew the reading of the Declaration of Independence to have such a -telling effect. I went home without witnessing the closing exercises. I -did not ride home in the carriage. I told the committee that some poor, -decrepit old woman might ride home in my place. I needed exercise and an -opportunity to commune with myself. - -As I walked home by an unfrequented way, I thought of the growth and -grandeur of the republic, and how I could get rid of the lard that had -been wiped on my clothes by the oleagineous pig. This year, when the -committee asked me to read the Declaration, I said pleasantly but firmly -that I would probably be busy on that day soaking my head, and therefore -would have to decline. - - - - -THE GLAD, FREE LIFE OF THE MINER. - - -|In the spring the young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love. -He also looks forward to some means by which he can earn the bread and -oleomargarine on which he can subsist. There are several ways of doing -this. Some take to agriculture and spend the long days of golden summer -among the clover blossoms of the meadow, raking hay and hornets into -large winrows, while they sniff the refreshing odor of the mignonette -and the morning glory, and the boiling soft soap and potato bugs -that have been mashed into the sweet bye-and-bye. Others, by a -straightforward course become truthful newspaper men and amass untold -wealth as funny men. Others proclaim the glad news of salvation at so -much a proclaim. - -Perhaps, however, the most exciting way to become wealthy in a speedy -manner and in a surprising style is that of the miner. He buys some -bacon, and tobacco, and flour, and whiskey, and a pick and some chewing -tobacco, and a shovel and some whiskey, and an axe and some smoking -tobacco and matches, and whiskey and blankets, and giant powder, and -goes to the mountains to get wealthy. - -He works all day hard, walking up hill and down, across ravines and -rocky gulches, weary but happy and confident till night comes down -upon him and he goes home to camp, and around the fire he enters the -free-for-all lying match, and tired as he is gets away with the prize -for scrub-lying. I have met miners who would with a little chance hold -a pretty even race against the great stalwart army of journalists. I do -not say this intending to reflect upon the noble profession of mining, -for I have been taught to respect the pleasing lie which is told in a -harmless way, to cheer the great surging mass of humanity who get tired -of the same old truths that have been handed down from generation to -generation. - -One man who ran against me for justice of the peace two years ago and -who, therefore, got left, is now independent, having sold out a prospect -in sight of town for a good figure, while I plug along and tell the -truth and have nothing under the broad blue dome of heaven but $150 per -month and my virtue. Of course virtue is its own reward, but how little -of glad unfettered mirthfulness it yields. Sometimes I wish I had a -little looser notions about what is right and what is wrong. But it is -too late now. I have become so hardened in these upright ways that when -I do wrong it pretty nearly kills me. - -This summer, however, I will get me a little blue jackass and put a -sawbuck on his back, and pack some select oysters and gum-drops, and an -upright piano, and a hammock, and some sheet music, and a camera, and -some ice and frosted cake, and a Brussels carpet, and a tent on his -back, and I will hie me to the mines, join the big stampede, fall down -a prospect hole 200 feet deep, and my faithful jackass will pull me out, -and I shall nearly freeze to death nights, and starve to death days, and -I will have lots of fun. - -I like the glad, free mountain life. I have tried it. Once I went out -to the mountains and slept on the lap of mother earth. That is, I -advertised to sleep, but I couldn't quite catch on. I lay on my back -till two o'clock, A. M., looking up into the clear blue ether, while -the stars above were twinkling. After they had about twinkled themselves -out, I concluded I would not try to woo the drowsy god any more. I got -up and made a pint of coffee, and drank it so hot that the alimentary -canal was rolled together like a scroll. It felt as though I had -swallowed a large slice of melted perdition, but it didn't warm me up -any. Then I went up the mountain five miles to see the sun rise. In -about four hours it rose. So did the coffee that I drank at two o'clock. -Somehow the sunrise didn't seem to cheer me. It looked murky and muddy; -all nature seemed to be shrouded in gloom. There was more gloom turned -loose there than I have ever seen. I wanted to go home. I needed some -one to pity me and love me a great deal. I needed rest and entire change -of scene. I went away from there because the associations were not -pleasant; roughing it doesn't seem to do me the required amount of good. -I am too frail. I need more of the comforts of civilization, and less -wealth of wild, majestic scenery. I find that my nature needs very -little awe-inspiring grandeur, and a good deal of woven wire mattress -and nutritious, digestible food. - - - - -SOME THOUGHTS OF CHILDHOOD. - - -|Childhood is the glad springtime of life. It is then that the seeds of -future greatness or startling mediocrity are sown. - -If a boy has marked out a glowing future as an intellectual giant, it is -during these early years of his growth that he gets some pine knots to -burn in the evening, whereby he can read Herbert Spencer and the Greek -grammar, so that when he is in good society he can say things that -nobody can understand. This gives him an air of mysterious greatness -which soaks into those with whom he comes in contact, and makes them -respectful and unhappy while in his presence. - -Boys who intend to be railroad men should early begin to look about -them for some desirable method of expunging two or three fingers and one -thumb. Most boys can do this without difficulty. Trying to pick a card -out of a job press when it is in operation is a good way. Most job -presses feel gloomy and unhappy until they have eaten the fingers off -two or three boys. Then they go on with their work cheerfully and even -hilariously. - -Boys who intend to lead an irreproachable life and be foremost in every -good word and work, should take unusual precautions to secure perfect -health and longevity. Good boys never know when they are safe. -Statistics show that the ratio of good boys who die, compared to bad -ones, is simply appalling. - -There are only thirty-nine good boys left as we go to press, and they -are not feeling very well either. - -The bad ones are all alive and very active. - -The boy who stole my coal shovel last spring and went out into the -grave-yard and dug into a grave to find Easter eggs, is the picture of -health. He ought to live a long time yet, for he is in very poor shape -to be ushered in before the bar of judgment. - -When I was a child I was different from other boys in many respects. I -was always looking about to see what good I could do. I am that way yet. - -If my little brother wanted to go in swimming contrary to orders, I was -not strong enough to prevent him, but I would go in with him and save -him from a watery grave. I went in the water thousands of times that -way, and as a result he is alive to-day. - -But he is ungrateful. He hardly ever mentions it now, but he remembers -the gordian knots that I tied in his shirts. He speaks of them -frequently. This shows the ingratitude and natural depravity of the -human heart. - -Ah, what recompense have wealth and position for the unalloyed joys of -childhood, and how gladly to-day as I sit in the midst of my oriental -splendor and costly magnificence, and thoughtfully run my fingers -through my infrequent bangs, would I give it all, wealth, position and -fame, for one balmy, breezy day gathered from the mellow haze of the -long ago when I stood full knee-deep in the luke-warm pool near my -suburban home in the quiet dell, and allowed the yielding and soothing -mud and meek-eyed pollywogs to squirt up between my dimpled toes. - - - - -THE NEW ADJUSTABLE CAMPAIGN SONG. - - -|I beg leave at this time to present to the public a melodious gem of -song which I am positive cannot fail to give satisfaction. - -It will withstand the rigors of our mountain clime as well as the heat -and moisture of a lower altitude. - -It is purely unpartisan, although it may be easily changed to any shade -of political opinion. It is cheap, portable and durable, and filled -with little pathetic passages that will add greatly to the enthusiasm of -presidential contests. - -It is true that some harsh criticism has been called down upon this -little chunk of crystallized melody, as I may be pardoned for calling -it, and it has been suggested that it is too much fraught with a gentle, -soothing sense of vacuity, and that there is nothing in it particularly -one way or the other. - -This I admit to be in a measure true. There is nothing in it as a poem, -but it must be borne in mind that this is not a poem. It is a campaign -song. - -Campaign songs never have anything in them. They don't have to. - -Editorials and speeches have to express human ideas and little -suggestions of original horse sense, but the campaign song is generally -distinguished by a wild, tumultuous torrent of attenuated space. - -They are like the sons of great men--we do not expect any show of -herculean intellectual acumen from them. - -Directions.--Set up the song with the feed bar down and pitman reversed. -Then turn the thumbscrew that holds the asterisks in place, take them -out and lay them away in the upper case, and in proper compartment. - -Next set up desirable candidate, unless you can get candidate to set -them up himself, slug the standing galley, oil the cross-head, upset the -tripod, loosen the crown sheet a little, so that the obvious duplex will -work easily in the lallygag eccentric, and turn on steam. - -Should the box in which the lower case candidates are stored get hot, -sponge off and lubricate with castor oil, antifat and borax in equal -parts. - -Keep this song in a cool place.= - -```(Air--_Rally Round the Flag, Boys_.) - -```Oh, we'll gather from the hillsides, - -````We'll gather from the glen, - -```Shouting the battle cry of...., - -```And we'll round up our voters, - -```Our brave and trusty men, - -````Shouting the battle cry of....= - -`````Chorus.= - -```Oh, our candidate forever, - -````Te doodle daddy a, - -```Down with old..., - -```Turn a foodie diddy a, - -```And we'll whoop de dooden do, - -````Fal de adden adden a, - -```And don't you never forget it. - -```Oh, we'll meet the craven foe` - -```On the fall election day, - -```Shouting the battle cry of..., - -```And we'll try to let him know` - -``That we're going to have our way,` - -```Shouting the battle cry of,= - -`````Chorus.= - -```Oh, our candidate forever, etc.= - -```Oh, we're the people's friends, - -````As all can plainly see, - -```Shouting the battle cry of...,` - -``And we'll whoop de dooden doo, - -```With our big majority, - -````And don't you never forget it.= - -`````Chorus.= - -```Oh, our candidate forever, etc. - - - - -SITTING ON ON A VENERABLE JOKE. - - -|Near St. Paul, on the Sioux City road, I met the ever-present man from -Leadville again. - -I had met him before on every division of every railroad that I had -traveled over, but I nodded to him, and he began to tell me all about -Leadville. - -He saw that I looked sad, and he cheered me up with little prehistoric -jokes that an antiquarian had given him years ago. Finally he said: - -"Leadville is mighty cold; it has such an all fired altitude, The summer -is very short and unreliable, and the winter long and severe. - -"An old miner over in California gulch got off a pretty good joke about -the climate there. A friend asked him about the seasons at Leadville, -and he said that there they had nine months winter and three months late -in the fall." - -Then he looked around to see me fall to pieces with mirth, but I -restrained myself and said: - -"You will please excuse me for not laughing at that joke. I cannot do -it. It is too sacred. - -"Do you think I would laugh at the bones of the Pilgrim Fathers, where -are they? or burst into wild hilarity over the grave of Noah and his -family? - -"No, sir; their age and antiquity protect them. That is the way with -your Phoenician joke. - -"Another reason why I cannot laugh at it is this: I am not a very easy -and extemporaneous laughter, anyway. I am generally shrouded in gloom, -especially when I am in hot pursuit of a wild and skittish joke for my -own use. It takes a good, fair, average joke that hasn't been used much -to make me laugh easy, and besides, I have used up the fund of laugh -that I had laid aside for that particular joke. It has, in fact, -overdrawn some now, and is behind. - -"I do not wish to intrench on the fund that I have concluded to offer as -a purse for young jokes that have never made it in three minutes. - -"I want to encourage green jokes, too, that have never trotted in -harness before, and, besides, I must insist on using my scanty fund of -laugh on jokes of the nineteenth century. I have got to draw the line -somewhere. - -"If I were making a collection of antique jokes of the vintage of 1400 -years B. C., or arranging and classifying little bon-mots of the time of -Cleopatra or King Solomon, I would give you a handsome sum for this one -of yours, but I am just trying to worry along and pay expenses, and -trying to be polite to every one I meet, and laughing at lots of things -that I don't want to laugh at, and I am going to quit it. - -"That is why I have met your little witticism with cold and heartless -gravity." - - - - -A HAIRBREADTH ESCAPE. - - -|To-day I got shaved at a barber-shop, where I begged the operator to -kill me and put me out of my misery. - -I have been accustomed to gentle care and thoughtfulness at home, and -my barber at Laramie handles me with the utmost tenderness. I was, -therefore, poorly prepared to meet the man who this morning filled my -soul with woe. - -I know that I have not deserved this, for while others have berated the -poor barber and swore about his bad breath and never-ending clatter -and his general heartlessness, I have never said anything that was not -filled with child-like trust and hearty good will toward him. - -I have called the attention of the public to the fact that sometimes -customers had bad breath and were restless and mean while being operated -on, and then when they are all fixed up nicely, they put their hats on -and light a cigar and hold up their finger to the weary barber and tell -him that they will see him more subsequently. - -Now, however, I feel differently. - -This barber no doubt had never heard of me. He no doubt thought I was an -ordinary plug who didn't know anything about luxury. - -I shall mark a copy of this paper and send it to him. - -Then while he is reading it I will steal up behind him with a pick -handle and kill him. I want him to be reading this when I kill him, -because it will assist the coroner in arriving at the immediate cause of -his death. - -The first whiff I took of this man's breath, I knew that he was rum's -maniac. - -He had the Jim James in an advanced stage. Now, I don't object to being -shaved by a barber who is socially drunk, but when the mad glitter of -the maniac is in his eye and I can see that he is debating the question -of whether he will cut my head off and let it drop over the back of the -chair or choke me to death with a lather brush, it makes me nervous and -fidgetty. - -This man made up his mind three times that he would kill me, and some -one came in just in time to save me. - -His chair was near a window, and there was a hole in the blind, so that -when he was shaving the off side of my face he would turn my head over -in such a position that I could look up into the middle of the sun. My -attention had never before been called to the appearance of the sun as -it looks to the naked eye, and I was a good deal surprised. - -The more I looked into the very center of the great orb of day the more -I was filled with wonder at the might and power that could create it. I -began to pine for death immediately, so that I could be far away among -the heavenly bodies, and in a land where no barber with the delirium -triangles can ever enter. - -This barber held my head down so that the sun could shine into my -darkened understanding, until I felt that my brain had melted and was -floating around and swashing about in my skull like warm butter. - -His hand was very unsteady, too. I lost faith in him on the start when -he cut off a mole under my chin and threw it into the spittoon. I -did not care very particularly for the mole, and did not need it -particularly, but at the same time I had not decided to take it off at -that time. In fact I had worn it so long that I had become attached to -it. It had also become attached to me. - -That is why I could not restrain my tears when the barber cut it off -and then stepped back to the other end of the room to see how I looked -without it. - - - - -MYSELF, DR. TALMAGE, AND OTHER DIVINES. - -September 5, 1880. - - -|I am beginning to-day to keep a diary. It is not an agreeable task, -but I feel that the wild, glad bursts of unfettered thought which surge -through my ponderous mind ought to be embalmed in eligible characters, -and passed down to posterity. - -The thought may arise in the mind of the reader that this is taking a -low and contemptible advantage of a posterity that never in word or deed -ever harmed me; but I care not. Other able men have perpetrated their -diaries upon me when I was not in a condition to help myself, and now -that I can hand down and transmit to nations yet unborn, the same great -heritage unimpaired, there is a sweet consciousness of a revenge that -has been fully glutted. - -To day I have been to church. I do not speak of it as remarkable at all, -for wherever I am, whether at home or abroad, my first thought is, where -will I find a sanctuary? - -The minister was quite classical and he pumped the congregation so full -of heathen mythology that he came very near forgetting that he had a -word to say on behalf of Christianity as the advance agent of Zion. - -I do not wish to say one word that would sound like irreverence toward -the cause which this man undertook to represent; but I want to jot down -a little thought or two relative to this exponent, so that I may be -placed squarely upon the record. - -I have often thought when I have watched this class of ministers, with -one hand resting in a graceful and negligent posture on the altar rail, -while the self-conscious Demosthenes reeled off a 4th of July prayer to -the miserable, wretched and undone sinners before him, how God has said -that He is a jealous God; and I have wondered if these prayers, arranged -with great care to meet the criticism of the worshippers, and with an -off-hand disregard to the feelings of the Almighty that is very cool -and very refreshing indeed, whether they ever lay hold of the throne of -grace or not, and whether they ever lift up mankind or make the world -better. - -Speaking of divines, reminds me of the very pleasant trip I had over the -Union Pacific on my way east with Brother Talmage. I call him Brother -Tannage because he called me brother occasionally. He no doubt thought -that in different walks of life, perhaps, but working in the same -direction, we were both laboring to make the world better. - -Brother Talmage, General Crook, myself and two or three other eminent -men together occupied the sleeper Boise City. Brother Talmage and I one -day were seized with the same irresistable desire, at the same moment, -to change our shirts. He was a little nearer the wash-room than I was, -so he got there first, and we stood up together smiling at each other -sweetly, with a clean shirt in our hands, and didn't know exactly how to -express ourselves. - -I was the first to speak. I told the Doctor that it was of no -consequence particularly, and I would wait. He said no, I must not wait -for him, and insisted so cordially on my coming in there that we went in -together and tackled the mysteries of our toilet at the same time. - -It was pretty tough on me, for I had been accustomed while peeling off -a damp shirt to go through a few little vocal exercises and dance around -on one leg and howl. - -Going from the mountains of Wyoming down into the tropical heat of -Nebraska made me perspire a good deal, and nothing but the firm and -irresistible restraint thrown about me by an eminent divine kept me from -swearing. - -But the Doctor did not get mad. When he shoved his bald head into his -shirt a large smile was on his face, and when it emerged at the top -and he waved his arms above his head and struggled to climb up into -the shirt, so that he could look out over the battlements, he was still -smiling. He was not only smiling, but he was smiling a good deal. Those -who have seen Dr. Talmage smile know now he throws his whole soul into -it. - -If I could jam my head up through a wilderness of shirt and starch and -saw off my windpipe as I looked out over the billowy, buttonless -mass, and still smile, as Dr. Talmage does, I would give all my broad -possessions in a moment. - -This offer will hold good up to the 15th. - -We got quite sociable and cordial toward the close, and I got the Doctor -to reach up as far as he could on my spinal column and bring down the -refractory end of a suspender, then I retaliated by going down into his -true inwardness after a collar button that had dropped into oblivion. - -While he was smiling with that glad, free smile of his, which he takes -along with him instead of baggage, he told me a pretty good thing on the -editor of the _Herald_ of Salt Lake. He told it to me in confidence, he -said, because he knew he could rely on a newspaper man. Then he laughed -and seemed to think it was a good joke. - -It seems that when Dr. Talmage was in Salt Lake, the _Tribune_ published -what purported to be an interview between a reporter of that paper and -the Brooklyn divine. - -Shortly afterward, and while Dr. T. was in San Francisco, he received a -letter from the editor of the _Herald_ and a marked copy of the paper, -giving the Doctor a very flattering notice. In his letter the editor -said: "I enclose a clipping from the _Tribune_ purporting to be an -interview between yourself and a reporter of that paper; will you be -kind enough to write me whether it is or is not genuine?" - -The Doctor looked the clipping carefully over, and as it was nothing but -a blood-curdling account of the merits of Day's Kidney pad, he had no -hesitancy in pronouncing the alleged interview a fraud. Still he never -wrote the editor of the _Herald_, and he no doubt still wonders why it -is that Dr. Talmage don't come forward and state the facts, so that the -Gentile _Tribune_ may be shown up. - -The Doctor says that too much care cannot be used by the editor who -wields the shears not to get his editorials mixed up with patent -medicine advertisements. - - - - -FINE-CUT AS A MEANS OF GRACE. - - -|The amateur tobacco chewer many times through lack of consideration -allows himself to be forced into very awkward and unpleasant positions. -As a fair sample of the perils to which the young and inexperienced -masticator of the weed is subjected, the following may be given: - -A few Sabbaths ago a young man who was attending divine worship up -on Piety Avenue, concluded, as the sermon was about one-half done and -didn't seem to get very exciting, that he would take a chew of tobacco. -He wasn't a handsome chewer, and while he was sliding the weed out of -his pocket and getting it behind his handkerchief and working it into -his mouth, he looked as though he might be robbing a blind woman of her -last copper. Then when he got it into his mouth and tried to look pious -and anxious about the welfare of his never dying soul, the chew in his -mouth felt as big as a Magnolia ham. Being new in the business, the -salivary glands were so surprised that they began to secrete at a -remarkable rate. The young man got alarmed. He wanted to spit. His eyes -began to hang out on his cheek, and still the salivary glands continued -to give down. He thought about spitting in his handkerchief or his -hat, but neither seemed to answer the purpose. He was getting wild. -He thought of swallowing it, but he knew that his stomach wasn't large -enough. - -In his madness he resolved that he would let drive down the aisle when -the pastor looked the other way. He waited till the divine threw his -eyes toward heaven and then he shut his eyes and turned loose. An old -gentleman about three pews down the aisle yawned at that moment and -threw his open hand out into the aisle in such a manner as to catch the -contribution without any loss to speak of. He did not put his hand out -for that purpose and did not seem to want it, but he got it all right. - -He seemed to feel hurt about something. He looked like a man who has -suddenly lost faith in humanity and become soured, as it were. Some who -sat near him said he swore. Anyway, he lost the thread of the discourse. -That part of the sermon he now says is a blank to him. It is several -blanks. He called upon blank to everlastingly blank such a blankety -blank blank, idiotic blank fool as the young man was. - -Meantime the young man has quit the use of tobacco. He did not know at -first whether to swear off or kill himself. The other day he said: "Only -two weeks ago I stood up and said proudly I amateur. To-day, praise be -to redeeming grace, I am not a chewer." (This joke for the first few -days will have to be watered very carefully and wrapped in a California -blanket, for it is not strong at all. However, if it can be worked -through the cold weather it is no slouch of a joke.) - - - - -THE WEATHER AND SOME OTHER THINGS. - - -|Sometimes I wish that Wyoming had more vegetation and less catarrh, -more bloom and summer and fragrance and less Christmas and New Year's -through the summer. - -I like the clear, bracing air of 7,500 feet above the civilized world, -but I get weary of putting on and taking off my buffalo overcoat for -meals all through dog days. I yearn for a land where a man can take off -his ulster and overshoes while he delivers a Fourth of July oration, -without flying into the face of Providence and dying of pneumonia. - -Perhaps I am unreasonable, but I can't help it. I have my own peculiar -notions, and I am not to blame for them. - -As I write these lines I look out across the wide sweep of brownish gray -plains dotted here and there with ranches and defunct buffalo craniums, -and I see shutting down over the sides of the abrupt mountains, and -meeting the foothills, a white mist which melts into the gray sky. It is -a snow storm in the mountains. - -I saw this with wonder and admiration for the first two or three million -times. When it became a matter of daily occurrence as a wonder or -curiosity, it was below mediocrity. Last July a snow storm gathered one -afternoon and fell among the foothills and whitened the whole line to -within four or five miles of town, and it certainly was a peculiar freak -of nature, but it convinced me that whatever enterprises I might launch -into here I would not try to raise oranges and figs until the isothermal -line should meet with a change of heart. - -I have just been reading Colonel Downey's poem. It is very good what -there is of it, but somehow we lay aside the _Congressional Record_ -wishing that there had been more of it. - -Just as we get interested and carried away with it, having read the -first five or six thousand words, it comes to an abrupt termination. - -I have often wished that I could write poetry. It would do me a heap of -good. I would like to write a little book of poems with a blue cover -and beveled edges and an index to it. It would tickle me pretty near to -death. - -But I can't seem to do it. When I write a poem and devote a good deal of -study and thought to it, and get it to suit me, the great seething mass -of humanity, regardless of my feelings, get down on the grass and yell -and hoot and kick up the green sward, and whoop at the idea of calling -that poetry. It hurts me and grieves me, and has a tendency to sour my -disposition, so that when a really deserving poet comes to the front -I haven't the good nature and sweetness of disposition to enter -dispassionately upon the subject and say a kind word where I ought to, -but I will say of Colonel Downey's poem that it certainly has great -depth and width and length, and as you go on, it seems to broaden out -and extend farther on and cover more ground and take in more territory -and branch out and widen and lay hold of great tracts of thought and -open up new fields and fresh pastures and make homestead claims and -enter large desert land tracts and prove up under the timber culture -act and the bounty land act and throw open the Indian reservation to -settlement. - -The matter of decorating the Capitol with sacred subjects is one which -would receive the hearty approval of all the people of the country, and -I often wish that the Colonel had alluded to it in his poem. - -I have some curiosity to know what his ideas are on that point. - -I, for one, would be glad to see appropriate paintings of scriptural -subjects decorating the walls of our national capitol, and have often -been on the verge of offering to do it at my own expense. - -A cheerful painting to adorn the walls back of the Speaker's desk, -would be a study by some great artist, representing Sampson mashing the -Philistines with the jawbone of an ass. - -It would be historical and also symbolical; but principally symbolical. - -Then another painting might be executed representing Balaam's ass -delivering a speech on the Indian question. It would take first rate, -and when visitors from abroad made a flying trip to Washington during -the summer, and missed seeing Wade Hampton, and felt disappointed, -they could go and see Balaam's ass, and go home with their curiosity -gratified. - -I have seen a very spirited painting somewhere; I think it was at the -Louvre, or the Vatican, or Fort Collins, by either Michael Angelo, or -Raphael, or Eli Perkins, which represented Joseph presenting a portion -of his ulster overcoat to Potiphar's wife, and lighting out for the -Cairo and Palestine 11 o'clock train, with a great deal of earnestness. -This would be a good painting to hang on the walls of the Capitol, -dedicated to Ben Hill and some other Congressional soiled doves. - -Then there are some simpler subjects which might be worked up and hung -in the Congressional nursery to please the children till the session -closed for the day, and their miscellaneous dads came to carry them -home. - -I could think of lots of nice subjects for a painter to paint, or a -sculptor to sculp, if I were to give my attention to it# But I haven't -the time. - - - - -THE PARABLE OF THE UNJUST STEWARD. - - -|Now there was a certain rich man in those days, who kept a large inn on -the American plan. - -And the hegira from other lands over against Kabzul and Eder, and -Breckinridge and Kinah, and Georgetown and Dimmonah, and Kedesh and -Roaring Forks, and Hador and Ithnan, and the Gunnison country and -Ziph, and Telem and Silver Cliff, Beoloth and Hadattah, and even beyond -Hazar--Gadah and Buena Vista, was exceedingly simultaneous. - -And throughout the country roundabout was there never before an hegira -that seemed to hegira with the same hegira with which this hegira did -hegira. - -And behold the inn was overrun day by day with pilgrims who journeyed -thither with shekels and scrip and pieces of silver. - -And the inn-keeper said unto himself, "Go to;" and he was very wroth, -insomuch that he tore his beard and swore a large, dark-blue oath about -the size of a man's hand. - -For behold the inn-keeper gat not the shekels, and he wist not why it -was. - -Now, it was so that in the inn was one Keno-El-Pharo, the steward, and -he stood behind the tablets wherein the pilgrims did write the names of -themselves and their wives and their sons and their daughters. - -And Keno-El-Pharo wore purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously -every day, and he drank the wines of one Mumm, and they were extra dry, -and so even was Keno-El-Pharo from the rising of the sun until the going -down thereof. - -And behold one day the inn-keeper took a large tumble even unto himself, -and also unto the racket of Keno-El-Pharo the son of Ahaz Ben Bunko. - -And he said unto Keno, "Give an account of thy stewardship that thou -mayest be no longer steward." - -And Keno-El-Pharo cried with a loud voice and wept and fell down and -rose up and went unto his place. - -And he looked into the mirror, and patted the soap lock on his brow and -he saw that he was fair to look: upon. - -But he was exceedingly sorrowful and he said, What shall I do? for my -lord taketh away the stewardship, and verily it was a good thing to -have. - -Alas! I know not what to do. I cannot get a position as mining expert, -and to beg I am ashamed. I am resolved what I will do. And he smiled -unto himself, and the breadth of the smile was even six cubits from one -end thereof even unto the other. - -So he called unto himself one of his lord's debtors, and he said, How -much owest thou my lord? - -And he said, Even for seven days food and lodging at $3.50 per day, -together with my reckoning at the bar, amounting to thirty pieces of -silver of the denomination known as the dollar even of our dads. - -And the steward said unto him, Take thy bill quickly and write fifteen. - -And it was so. And he said unto another, How much owest thou my lord? - -And he answered him and said, fifty pieces of silver. - -And the steward said unto him, take thy bill and write twenty-five. - -And it was so. - -And behold these two guests of the inn were solid with Keno El-Pharo -from that hour. - -And when Keno-El-Pharo received the Oriental grand bounce from the -inn-keeper, the guests of the inn, to whom Keno had shown mercy, -procured him a pass over the road, and they whiled away the hours with -Keno-El-Pharo, and he did teach them some pleasant games; and when the -even was come he went his way unto Kansas City, and they with whom he -had abode wot not how it was, for they were penniless. - -And Keno-El-Pharo abode long in the land over against St. Louis, and he -was steward in one of the great inns for many years, and he wore good -clothes day by day and waxed fat, and he rested his stomach on the -counter, and he said to himself, ha! ha! - -ODE TO SPRING. - -Fantasia for the Bass Drum; Adapted from the German by William Von -Nye.= - -```In the days of laughing spring time, - -````Comes the mild-eyed sorrel cow, - -```With bald-headed patches on her, - -````Poor and lousy, I allow; - -```And she waddles through your garden` - -```O'er the radish beds, I trow.= - -```Then the red-nosed, wild-eyed orphan, - -````With his cyclopędiee, - -```Hies him to the rural districts` - -```With more or less alacrity. - -```And he showeth up its merits` - -```To the bright eternitee.= - -```How the bumble-bee doth bumble-- - -````Bumbling in the fragrant air, - -```Bumbling with his little bumbler, - -````Till he climbs the golden stair. - -```Then the angels will provide him` - -```With another bumbilaire.= - - - - -THE PARABLE OF THE PRODIGAL SON. - - -|Now, there was a certain man who had two sons. - -And the younger of them said to his father, "Father, give me the portion -of goods that falleth to me." - -And he divided unto him his living, and the younger son purchased -himself an oil cloth grip-sack and gat him out of that country. - -And it came to pass that he journeyed even unto Buckskin and the land -that lieth over against Leadville. - -And when he was come nigh unto the gates of the city, he heard music and -dancing. - -And he gat him into that place, and when he arose and went his way, a -hireling at the gates smote upon him with a slung-shot of great potency, -and the younger son wist not how it was. - -Now in the second watch of the night he arose and he was alone, and the -pieces of gold and silver were gone. - -And it was so. - -And he arose and sat down and rent his clothes and threw ashes and dust -upon himself. - -And he went and joined himself unto a citizen of that country, and he -sent him down into a prospect shaft for to dig. - -And he had never before dug. - -Wherefore, when he spat upon his hands and lay hold of the long-handled -shovel wherewith they are wont to shovel, he struck his elbow upon the -wall of the shaft wherein he stood, and he poured the earth and the -broken rocks over against the back of his neck. - -And he waxed exceeding wroth. - -And he tried even yet again, and behold! the handle or the shovel -became tangled between his legs, and he filled his ear nigh unto full of -decomposed slate and the porphyry which is in that region round about. - -And he wist not why it was so. - -Now, after many days the shovelers with their shovels, and the pickers -with their picks, and the blasters with their blasts, and the hoisters -with their hoists, banded themselves together and each said to his -fellow: - -Go to! Let us strike. And they stroke. - -And they that strake were as the sands of the sea for multitude, and -they were terrible as an army with banners. - -And they blew upon the ram's horn and the cornet, and sacbut, and the -alto horn, and the flute and the bass drum. - -Now, it came to pass that the younger son joined not with them which did -strike, neither went he out to his work, nor on the highway, least at -any time they that did strike should fall upon him and flatten him -out, and send him even unto his home packed in ice, which is after the -fashion of that people. - -And he began to be in want. - -And he went and joined himself unto a citizen of that country; and he -sent him into the lunch room to feed tourists. - -And he would fain have filled himself up with the adamantine cookies and -the indestructible pie and vulcanized sandwiches which the tourists did -eat. - -And no man gave unto him. - -And when he came to himself he said, How many hired servants hath my -father on the farm with bread enough and to spare, and I perish with -hunger. - -And he resigned his position in the lunch business and arose and went -unto his father. - -But when he was yet a great way off he telegraphed to his father to kill -the old cow and make merry, for behold! he had struck it rich, and the -old man paid for the telegram. - -Now the elder son was in the north field plowing with a pair of balky -mules, and when he came and drew nigh to the house he heard music and -dancing. - -And he couldn't seem to wot why these things were thus. - -And he took the hired girl by the ear and led her away, and asked her, -Whence cometh this unseemly hilarity? - -And she smote him with the palm of her hand and said: "This thy brother -hath come, that was dead and is alive again," and they began to have a -high old time. - -And the elder son kicked even as the government mule kicketh, and he -was hot under the collar, and he gathered up an armful of profanity and -flung it in among the guests, and gat him up and girded his loins and -lit out. - -And he gat him to one learned in the law, and he replevied the -entire ranch whereon they were, together with all and singular the -hereditaments, right, title, franchise, estate, both in law and in -equity, together with all dips, spurs, angles, crooks, variations, -leads, veins of gold or silver ore, mill-sites, damsites, flumes, and -each and every of them firmly by these presents. - -And it was so. - - - - -THE INDIAN AND THE EVERLASTING GOSPEL. - - -|William Henry Kersikes, D.D., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Dear -Sir:--Your esteemed favor of the 25th instant, is at hand, asking me to -throw some light upon a few Indian conundrums propounded by you. - -I thank you most heartily for the unfaltering trust in me expressed by -your letter. One of my most serious difficulties through life has been -a growing tendency on the part of mankind, to refuse to trust me as -I deserved. It has placed me in an extremely awkward position several -times. But your letter is trust and reliance and childish faith -personified. - -You have done wisely in writing to me for my views on this important -national question, and I give them to you cheerfully and even -hilariously. If they were all the views I had it would be the same. I -would squeeze along without any rather than refuse you. - -_First_ I agree with you in your ideas relative to the cause of failure -on the part of the Peace Commission. It was not calculated to soothe the -ruffled spirits of the hostiles and produce in their breasts a feeling -of rest and friendship and repose, but it was more in the nature of an -arrogant demand for those who had in an unguarded moment snuffed out the -light of the White river agent and the employes. This was not right or -even courteous on the part of the Commission. - -You seem to understand the wants and needs of the Indian more fully than -any man with whom I am acquainted. By your letter I see at a glance that -you are the man to deal with them. You shall be agent at White river -hereafter. I will use my influence for your appointment. If you think I -have no influence with the administration you are exceedingly off. - -The emoluments of the office are not large, but what you lack in money -will be made up to you in attention. You will get tons and tons of -Indian affection. For every dollar that you would receive from the -government you would get eleven dollars and fifty cents' worth of -childlike trust and clinging affection. You could also write religious -articles for the Western press, and blow in a good many scads that way. -By working that scheme judiciously I have amassed quite a little fortune -myself. Your leisure time could be filled up by organizing Temples of -Honor, Subordinate Granges, etc.; or you could get in an evening now and -then playing a social game of draw poker with your charge. They are all, -you will find, more interested in "draw" than they are in the Trinity. -You can also hoe potatoes and do good. If time still hung heavy on your -hands you could devote it to constructing a sheet-iron roof for your -scalp. When the Utes came in from the warpath, foot sore and weary, -you could go about from lodge to lodge and nurse them and read the -Scriptures to them and drive away the blue-tail fly and other domestic -insects, and lull the suffering savage to rest with "Coronation" and -other soothing melodies. But I must pass on to your next question. - -_Second_--There have been several methods proposed for civilizing the -wandering tribes of the House of Stand-up-and-eat-a-raw-dog, but few of -them, I fear, will meet with your approval. My own plan is called the -Minnesota plan. It was an experiment used on the Sioux nation at one -time in its history, and consisted in placing the Indians upon a large -elevated platform, and so arranging a fragment of lariat that in case -the platform gave way, the lariat would support the performer by the -neck. - -The Indian is generally stolid and indifferent to pain, but you give him -a fall of seven and a half feet, allowing him to catch by his neck, and -it is fun to see him try to kick a large piece out of the firmament. - -The Indian when called on to make the opening speech at a country -fair does not make any demonstrations, but place him on one of these -sleight-of-hand scaffolds, and let the bottom drop out, and he makes -some of the most powerful and expressive gestures. - -_'Third_--I am not prepared to answer fully your third question, as -I haven't the statistics where I can lay my hand on them. I think, -however, that the denominations are about equally divided among the -Indians. Colorow is a Presbyterian, Ouray is a member of the Dutch -Reformed Church, while Jack is a close communion Baptist. Few of them -are regular attendants upon divine worship. At some of the Ute churches, -I am told, very frequently there are not enough present for a quorum, -especially during the busy season when they are gathering the fall crops -of scalps. - -_Fourth_--As to the time which would be required to bring the entire -outfit into the fold, I am a little unsettled as to the correct -estimate. It might take some time. The roads might be blockaded, you -know, or something of that kind; or some old buck might stampede and -take up a good deal of time. At least, I would not advise you to hold -your breath while listening for their glad hallelujahs to the throne. -They might miss the connections in some way, and you would get very -purple around the gills. - -However, do not get discouraged. Keep up your lick. Write on and speak -on for this oppressed people. They deserve it. They have brought it -on themselves. Get some more dough-faced idiots to unite with you in -writing up the Indian question. It will be a good thing. Write to the -Indians themselves personally. Of course it will be a horrible death for -them to die, but they have richly merited it. Do not write to me -again, however. I am not strong anyway, and I need rest. If you could, -therefore, direct your remarks to the Utes themselves, and keep it -up during the cold weather while they are hungry and weak, you will -probably use up nearly all of them. If you will do so, I will see that -the people of the West club together and give you a nice gold-headed -cane. - - - - -THE MUSE. - -CRITICISM ON THE WORKS OF THE SWEET SINGER OF MICHIGAN. - - -|Through the courtesy of a popular young lady of Chicago, who recognizes -struggling genius at all times, I have been permitted to carefully read -and enjoy the lays of the sweet singer of Michigan; and I ask the reader -to come with me a few moments into the great field of literature, while -we flit from flower to flower on the wings of the Muse. - -There are few, indeed, of us who do not love the heaven-born music of -true poesy. Hardened, indeed, must he be whose soul is dead to the glad -song of the true poet, and we can but pity the gross, brutal nature -which refuses to throb and burn with spiritual fire lighted with coals -from the altar of the gods. - -I speak only for myself when I say that seven or eight twangs of the -lyre stir my impressible nature so that I rise above the cares and -woes of this earthly life, and I paw the ground and yearn for the -unyearnable, and howl. - -Julia A. Moore, better known as the Sweet Singer of Michigan, was born -some time previous to the opening of this chapter, of poor but honest -parents, and although she couldn't have custard pie and frosted cake -every day she, was middling chipper, as appears by a little poem in the -collection, entitled, "The Author's Early Life," in which she says:= - -````My heart was gay and happy: - -````This was ever in my mind, - -````There is better days a coming, - -````And I hope some day to find` - -```Myself capable of composing. - -````It was my heart's delight` - -```To compose on a sentimental subject` - -```If it came in my mind just right= - -This would show that the Muse was getting in its work, as I might say, -even while yet Julia was a little nut-brown maid trudging along to -school with bare feet that looked like the back of a warty toad. In my -visions I see her now standing in front of the teacher's desk, soaking -the first three joints of her thumb in her rosebud mouth, and trying -to work her off toe into a knot-hole in the floor, while outside, the -turtle-dove and the masculine Michigan mule softly coo to their mates. - -A portrait of the author appears on the cover of the little volume. It -is a very striking face. There are lines of care about the mouth--that -is, part way around the mouth. They did not reach all the way around -because they didn't have time. Lines of care are willing to do anything -that is reasonable, but they can't reach around the North Park without -getting fatigued. These lines of care and pain look to the student of -physiognomy as though the author had lost a good deal of sleep trying to -compose obituary poems. The brow is slightly drawn, too, as though her -corns might be hurting her. Julia wears her hair plain, like Alfred -Tennyson and Sitting Bull. It hangs down her back in perfect abandon -and wild profusion, shedding bear's oil ever the collar of her delaine -dress, regardless of expense. - -I can not illustrate or describe the early vision of dimpled loveliness, -which Julia presented in her childhood, better than by giving a little -gem from "My Infant Days:"= - -```When I was a little infant, - -````And I lay in mother's arms, - -```Then I felt the gentle pressure` - -```Of a loving mother's arms.= - -```"Go to sleep my little baby, - -````Go to sleep," mamma would say; - -```"O, will not my little baby - -````Go to sleep for ma to-day?"= - -When I read this little thing the other day it broke me alf up. It took -me back to my childhood days when I lay in my little trundle bed, and -was wakeful, and had a raging thirst, insomuch that I used to want a -drink of water every fifteen seconds. Mamma didn't ask if I would "go -to sleep for ma, to-day." She used to turn the bed-clothes back over the -footboard, so that she could have plenty of sea room, and then she would -take an old sewing-machine belt, and it would sigh through the agitated -air for a few moments pretty plenty, till the writer of these lines -would conclude to sob himself to sleep, and anon through the night he -would dream that he had backed up against the Hill Smeltingg works. -That's the kind of "Go to sleep for ma to-day," that comes up vividly to -my mind. - -But I must give another stanza or two from Julia's collection--as -showing how this gifted writer can with a word dispel the chilling -temperature of December, and run the thermometer up to 100 degrees in -the shade. I will quote from the death of "Little Henry:"= - -```It was on the eleventh of December, - -````On a cold and windy day, - -```Just at the close of evening, - -````When the sunlight fades away, - -```Little Henry he was dying, - -````In his little crib he lay, - -```With the soft winds around him sighing, - -````From early morn till close of day.= - -One of Julia's poems opens out in such a cheerful, pleasant way, that I -wish I could give it all, but space forbids. She tunes her lyre so that -it will mash all right, and then says:= - -````Come all kind friends, both far and near, - -````O, come, and see what you can hear.= - -Then she proceeds to slaughter some one. In looking over her poems one -is struck with the terrible mortality which they show. Julia is worse -than a Gatling gun. I have counted twenty-one killed and nine wounded, -in the small volume which she has given to the public. In giving the -circumstances which attended the death of one of her subjects, and the -economical principles of the deceased, she says:= - -```And he was sick and very bad, - -````Poor boy, he thought, no doubt, - -```If he came home in a smoking car` - -```His money would hold out. - -```He started to come back alone, - -````He came one-third the way. - -```One evening, in the car alone, - -````His spirit fled away.= - -That's the way Julia kills off a young man just as we get interested -in him. You just begin to like one of her heroes or heroines and Julia -proceeds to lay said hero or heroine out colder than a wedge. A sad, sad -thing, which goes to the tune of Belle Mahone, starts out as follows:= - -````"Once there lived a lady fair, - -````With black eyes and curly hair; - -````She has left this world of care, - -`````Sweet Carrie Monroe,"= - -To which I have added in my poor weak way--= - -```She could not her sorrows bear, - -```For she was a dumpling rare; - -```She has clum the golden stair, - -`````Sweet Carrie Monroe.= - -```'Twas indeed a day of gloom` - -``When we gathered in her room, - -```While she cantered up the flume, - -`````Sweet Carrie Monroe.= - -I will give but one more example of Julia's exquisite word painting, and -then after a word or two relative to her style generally I will close. - -After speaking tearfully of her life as a child, she says:= - -```My childhood days have passed and gone, - -````And it fills my heart with pain, - -```To think that youth will never more` - -```Return to me again. - -```And now, kind friends, what I have wrote` - -```I hope you will pass o'er, - -```And not criticize, as some have done, - -````Hitherto herebefore.= - -I know that it ill becomes me to assume the prerogative of criticizing -a poet's style or even to suggest any improvements, but sometimes an -outsider may be able to stand off as it were and see little defects in a -masterpiece which the author can not see. - -My idea would be to take these poems and remove the crown sheet, then -put in new running gear, upset and bush the pitman, kalsomine the boiler -plate, drill new holes in the eccentric, rim out the gas pipe, raise the -posterior eccentric to a level with the gang plank, slide the ash pan -forward of the monkey wrench, securing it by draw bars to the topgallant -mizzen. Then, throwing open the condenser and allowing the cerebellum to -rest firmly against the vicarious whippety-whop, fair time may be made -on a gentle grade. - -If I were to suggest anything further it would be that Julia have entire -change of air and surroundings. Michigan is too healthy for an ambitious -obituary poet. She naturally has too much time on her hands. Let her go -into the yellow fever districts next summer, where she can work in -two or three of her cheerful little funeral odes every morning before -breakfast. That's the place for her. It may kill her, but if it should -we will trust in Providence to raise up some inspired idiot to take her -place. We will struggle along anyway with George Francis Train and Denis -Kearney and Dr. Mary Walker, even if Julia joins the glad throng of -poets who let their hair grow long and kick up their heels in the green -fields of Eden. - -One more suggestion which will, I know, be accepted as coming from one -who never says anything but in the kindest spirit. I think that Julia -takes advantage of her poetic license. A poetic license, as I understand -it, simply allows the poet to jump the 15 over the 14 in order to bring -in the proper rhyme, but it does not allow the writer to usurp the -management of the entire system of worlds, and introduce dog-days and -ice-cream between Christmas and New Year. It does not in any way allow -the contractor of prize funeral puffs to sandwich a tropical evening -with the scent of orange blossom and mignonette, in between two December -days in Michigan, that would freeze the lightning rods off the houses, -and when the owners of cast iron dogs have to bring them in, and stand -them behind the parlor stove. - -Julia can't fool me much on a Michigan winter. When the seductive breath -from the north comes soughing across Lake Superior, redolent with the -blossom rock of the copper mines, and dead cranberry vines, and slippery -elm bark, the poet or poetess who could maliciously crawl into a buffalo -overcoat, and write a dirge that worked in "sighing soft winds," just -for the benefit of one whose spirit is in a land where house plants -never freeze, should have no poetic license. I would be in favor of -having such license revoked, or raising the price so high that none but -good, reliable, square toed poets could practice. I would suggest $500 -per year for poets driving one horse, and dealing in native poems on -death, spring, beautiful snow, etc., etc.; $1,000 per year for two -horse, platform spring poets, retailers of imported poems; and $1,500 -per year for poets who do a general business in manufactured Havana -poems, or native wrappers with Havana fillers. - -We have too many poets in our glorious republic who ought to be peeling -the epidermis off a bull train; and too many poetesses who would succeed -better boiling soap-grease, or spiking a 6 x 8 patch on the quarter-deck -of a faithful husband's overalls. - -I do not refer entirely to Julia in the last few lines, for Julia is not -deserving of such criticism. She was never intended to do the drudgery -of housework. She is too frail. She couldn't cook, because her cake -would be sad, and her soft, wavy hair, like the mane of a Cayuse plug, -would get in the cod-fish balls, and cling to the butter. - -No, Julia, you don't look like a woman whose career as a housewife would -be a success. From the mournful look in your limpid eye, I would -say that your lignum-vitę bread, and celluloid custard pie, and -indestructible waffles, and fireproof pancakes, and burglar-proof -chicken pie, would give you away. Your mind would be far away in the -poet's realm, and you would put shoe blacking in the blanc mange, and -silver gloss starch in the tea, and cod liver oil in the sponge cake. -So, Julia, you may continue right along as you are doing. It don't do -much harm, and no doubt it does you a heap of good. - - - - -SHOEING A BRONCO. - - -|Recently I have taken a little recreation when I felt despondent, by -witnessing the difficult and dangerous feat of shoeing a bronco. - -Whenever I get low spirited and feel that a critical public don't -appreciate my wonderful genius as a spring poet, I go around to Brown -& Poole's blacksmith shop on A street, and watch them shoe a vicious -bronco. I always go back to the office cheered and soothed, and better -prepared to fight the battle of life. - -They have a new rig now for this purpose. It consists of two broad -sinches, which together cover the thorax and abdomen of the bronco, -to the ends of which--the sinches, I mean--are attached ropes, four in -number, which each pass over a pulley above the animal, and then are -wrapped about a windlass. The bronco is led to the proper position, like -a young man who is going to have a photograph taken, the sinches slipped -under his body and attached to the ropes. - -Then the man at the wheel makes two or three turns in rapid succession. - -The bronco is seen to hump himself, like the boss camel of the grand -aggregation of living wonders. He grunts a good deal and switches his -tail, while the ropes continue to work in the pulleys and the man at the -capstan spits on his hands and rolls up on the wheel. - -[Illustration: 9110] - -After a while the bronco hangs from the ceiling like a discouraged dish -rag, and after trying for two or three hundred times unsuccessfully to -kick a hole in the starry firmament, he yields and hangs at half -mast while the blacksmith shoes him. - -Yesterday I felt as though I must see something cheerful, and so I went -over to watch a bronco getting his shoes on for the round-up. I was -fortunate. They led up a quiet, gentlemanly appearing plug with all the -weary, despondent air of a disappointed bronco who has had aspirations -for being a circus horse, and has "got left." When they put the sinches -around him he sighed as though his heart would break, and his great, -soulful eyes were wet with tears. One man said it was a shame to put a -gentle pony into a sling like that in order to shoe him, and the general -feeling seemed to be that a great wrong was being perpetrated. - -Gradually the ropes tightened on him and his abdomen began to disappear. -He rose till he looked like a dead dog that had been fished out of the -river with a grappling iron. Then he gave a grunt that shook the walls -of the firmament, and he reached out about five yards till his hind feet -felt of a Greaser's eye, and with an athletic movement he jumped through -the sling and lit on the blacksmith's forge with his head about three -feet up the chimney. He proceeded then to do some extra ground and lofty -tumbling and kicking. A large anvil was held up for him to kick till he -tired himself out, and then the blacksmith put a fire and burglar proof -safe over his head and shod him. - -The bronco is full of spirit, and, although docile under ordinary -circumstances, he will at times get enthusiastic and do things which he -afterwards, in his sober moments, bitterly regrets. - -Some broncos have formed the habit of bucking. They do not all buck. -Only those that are alive do so. When they are dead they are more -subdued and gentle. - -A bronco often becomes so attached to his master that he will lay down -his life if necessary. His master's life, I mean. - -When a bronco comes up to me and lays his head over my shoulder, and -asks me to scratch his chilblain for him, I always excuse myself on the -ground that I have a family dependent on me, and furthermore, that I -am a United States Commissioner, and to a certain extent the government -hinges on me. - -Think what a ghastly hole there would be in the official staff of the -republic if I were launched into eternity now, when good men are so -scarce. - -Some days I worry a good deal over this question. Suppose that some -unprincipled political enemy who wanted to be United States Commissioner -or Notary Public in my place should assassinate me!!! - -Lots of people never see this. They sec how smoothly the machinery of -government moves along, and they do not dream of possible harm. They -do not know how quick she might slip a cog, or the eccentric get jammed -through the indicator, if, some evening when I am at the opera house, -or the minstrel show, the assassin should steal up on me, and shoot a -large, irregular aperture into my cerebellum. - -This may not happen, of course; but I suggest it, so that the public -will, as it were, throw its protecting arms about me, and not neglect me -while I am alive. - - - - -PUMPKIN JIM; OR THE TALE OF A BUSTED JACKASS RABBIT. - - - - -CHAPTER I.--PUMPKIN JIM. - - -|It was evening in the mountains. The golden god of day was gliding -slowly adown the crimson west. Here and there the cerulean dome was -flecked with snowy clouds. - -The flecks were visible to the naked eye. - -Meanwhile the golden god of day, hereinbefore referred to, continued to -glide adown the crimson west, with about the same symmetrical glide. It -had done so on several occasions previous to the opening of this story. - -The katydid was singing sleepily in the long grass, and the grizzly bear -was trilling between eleven trills on the still air. - -It was a spot where the foot of man had never trod, and the undisturbed -temple of nature with its hallowed hush and never ending repose. The -lofty pines were swaying softly to and fro in the gentle breeze of -evening, and the babbling brook went babbling along down its rocky bed -in the bottom of the canon, with a merry bab. - -All at once, like a flash of dazzling light, a noble youth came slowly -down the mountain side, riding an ambling palfrey of the narrow-guage -variety, with a paint-brush tail on him--(that is the palfrey, -of course.) The palfrey was a delicate buckskin color, with high, -intellectual ears and Roman nose. - -In crossing the stream the palfrey stubbed his toe, and fell on his -noble rider, breaking the man's leg in three places, and jamming one of -his ribs through the liver and into the ground, thus pinning him to the -earth, and preventing him from rising. - -The buckskin palfrey, with almost human foresight, and wonderful -intelligence, found a soft place in the grassy bottom, and lay down. - -There, in the slanting rays of the declining sun, and stretched out upon -the sedgy brink of the clear mountain stream, far from the reach of man -and miles beyond the outer line of civilization, lay Pumpkin Jim, the -Yipping, Yelling Yahoo of Dirty Woman's Ranch. - -He lav there partially submerged in the stream and partially in the -clear, bracing atmosphere. Wild-eyed and beautiful he lay there, looking -up into the glad realms of space, with that murderous glitter in his -eye that wins a woman's love, and the sympathy of kind hearted -philanthropists. - -Occasionally he would raise his broken limb and try to use it, but it -generally wilted and drooped like the leg of a rag doll. - -Then he would struggle to raise himself up and drag his body out upon -the bank, but the broken rib would tear out large chunks of his liver, -and make him feel wretched and unhappy. - -"Curses upon thee, thou base and treacherous mule!" he murmured, -brokenly. "By my beard, thou hast poorly repaid me for my unremitting -kindness to thee. Ah, alack, alack, alack--" - -He was just about to alack some more, when a mellow, girlish voice came -floating down the gulch and fell in large fragments near where he lay. - -He gathered up some of the chunks of melody to see what the song might -be. It was that wonderful masterpiece of Mozart's, "When Johnny Comes -Marching Home." - -Then he swooned. - -The gurgling brook still continued to gurg. We will let it gurg. - - - - -CHAPTER II.--GERALDINE CARBOLINE O'TOOLE. - - -|The melodious voice referred to in the preceding chapter was owned and -operated by Geraldine Carboline O'Toole, the heroine of this classic -tale. - -Anon she came down the valley like a thing of life. - -The limber sunbonnet which she wore had drifted to leeward and revealed -her Grecian profile and peeled nose. - -All at once her fawn-like eyes fell upon the prostrate figure, pale and -still, and its toes turned toward the center of the zodiac. - -A wild, frightened look came into her starry eyes, and a ghastly pallor -overspread her young face, throwing her intellectual freckles into -strong relief. - -She stole forward and looked at the pale face of Pumpkin Jim as it lay -upturned with the rosebud mouth slightly ajar, like the mouth of the -Mississippi river. - -Then she stooped, and, dipping up some of the clear, cold water in his -hat, poured it into the rosy mouth. Slowly it trickled down his throat, -and the wild panic and surprise created in his stomach by the novel -fluid brought him speedily to consciousness. - -"Where am I, and whence cometh this burning sensation in my liver?" -faintly murmured Pumpkin Jim. "Methought some new and peculiar beverage -didst cool my parching throat." - -"Hist!" said Geraldine; "you must not excite yourself. You must brace -up. Everything depends upon your keeping quiet instead of tearing up the -ground with your broken rib." - -"And whence comest thou, O beauteous vision, with the Aurora Borealis -hair?" - -"Didst I not tell thee," said Geraldine, "that thou mustest not -converse, but remain quiet? Let it suffice, however, that I strayed -away from a Sabbath school picnic at Cheyenne, and have wandered on -carelessly for several hundred miles, wotting not whence I wist." - -By this time the day god which we left gliding slowly adown the crimson -west, had glode down the crimson west according to advertisement, and -the solemn hush of night was coming on, broken anon by the long drawn -shriek of the mountain lion, or the pealing of the thunder, which also -reverberated anon through the otherwise solemn hush of night. - -Darkness came on apace. It would be folly to attempt to prevent it, so -we will let it come on apace. - - - - -CHAPTER III.--STARTLING REVELATIONS. - - -|We will now suppose twenty-four hours to have passed Since the scenes -narrated in the last chapter. - -The gloaming is beginning to gloam. - -It began to look as though if something were not done for Pumpkin Jim -pretty previously, he would pass with a gentle, gliding movement up the -flume. - -He was growing fainter hour by hour, and the extreme torpidity of -his liver, gave rise to grave apprehensions on the part of his gentle -guardian. - -His leg also gave him extreme pain and cause for uneasiness, to say the -least. It had swollen to about the size of a flour barrel, and was still -swelling as we go to press. - -He opened his eyes with a low moan, and looked up into the limber -sun-bonnet. - -"Beauteous one, with the ethereal brow!" he began, but Geraldine blushed -and bade him let up. - -"Gentle lady," he began again, "I am aware that the crisis is near. -Unless I have help very soon, in some form or other, I shall have -clomb the golden stair. Already the circulation is impaired, and the -transverse duplex has ceased to vibrate. Dissolution is coming on. My -pulse grows feebler hour by hour, and I feel that another morning sun -will find only my earthly tenement here. My spirit will have wung its -way to the realms of eternal day." - -"O, do not talk that way," sobbed Geraldine, filling her apron full of -large, irregular fragments of grief. "It cannot, must not be!" - -"Do not be over confident," said Pumpkin Jim. "Few men would have lived -as I have with a rib running through the centre of the liver, and into -the ground for nine or ten inches without great difficulty. The secret -of my power of endurance, I will, however, confide to you, as this may -be positively my last appearance. My true name is not Pumpkin Jim; that -is only a _nom de plume_. My sure enough name is Jesse James--that is -the secret of my longevity. I have been killed a great deal. I have lost -my life in almost every State in the Union. At first it used to make -me gloomy and taciturn to be killed so much; but latterly I became -very much pleased and flattered by this attention. It is sad to think, -however, that after being killed by some of our most prominent men, -I should at last yield up the ghost in a lonely canon, at the urgent -solicitation of a narrow-guage mule. But enough; it is useless to -repine. All that I am kicking about is, that after dying in so many -different styles, and in such desirable conditions, surrounded by all -the comforts of civilization, and getting a large amount of newspaper -space, and having a patent medicine portrait of myself published in the -papers, I should succumb to the death-dealing jackass, in the solitude -of the mountains. - -"I cannot die again, however, without telling you of my love. I might -occupy your time by telling you of my long and glittering career of -crime, but it would take too long. I have nothing to lay at your feet -but my untarnished record as a highway robber, and my all consuming -love. - -"It would ease the pain of my dying hour if you were to say to me that -you returned my love." - -Our hero then fell back upon the mossy bank and gasped for breath, while -to all appearances the last moments of Pumpkin Jim had come. - -It was a trying time for a young thing like Geraldine to pass through. -She stooped over him and fanned him with her sun bonnet and whispered a -few low musical words in his ear. - -That did the business. - -***** - - - - -CHAPTER IV.--ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL. - - -|The magic words that Geraldine emptied into Pumpkin James' ear roused -him, and his eyes opened with their old diabolical light. A slight -grating sound was heard. It was the broken bone of our hero's off-limb -coming back into its place and reuniting. - -Then his rib came back out of the ground and waltzed into him, his liver -healed up, and he arose and sat in the moonlight. - -His first words were, "Ah, Geraldine, you have brought me back to life. -Now would you please look around and see if there is any cold pie in the -house, my very ownest own?" - -This seemed to indicate that he had not fully recovered his mental -faculties, as the most accessible cold pie was 327 miles from where they -then were, and in a direct line. - -Geraldine, however, set herself at once about procuring food for her -soul's idol. Taking some salt she went out along the wooded slope to -find a jack-rabbit on whose tail she could throw the salt, thus securing -him as an easy prey. - -She soon scared up one with a broken leg. - -Most all of my gentle, refined, and intellectual readers of the Rocky -mountains have frightened from his lair, at some time or other, a -jack-rabbit with a broken leg. Jackrabbits with shattered limbs are very -common in the West. - -Geraldine followed hopefully on. Up hill and down, over low parks -covered with hunch-grass, across little mountain streams, through -long stretches of greasewood and sagebrush, starting the owl from some -blasted pine tree, or frightening the smiling coyote from his course, -onward and ever onward she flew like a hunted fawn. - -Her every motion was grace and poetry itself. The limber sun bonnet -flopped to and fro with a merry Runic flop, but the crippled John rabbit -did not tarry. For an invalid, he seemed to make very fair time. - -Occasionally he would look around over his shoulder, and laugh a merry, -taunting laugh. Then he would give his attention to getting over the -ground. - -Geraldine got mad, and resolved to overtake her game and mete out to him -a horrible death. - -Now and then she would wildly throw a lump of salt in the direction of -the fleeing rabbit; but it always failed to connect. - -It was, indeed, an exciting chase, and, in fact, is yet, for as we go -to press, Geraldine is still madly pursuing the ostensibly disabled -jack-rabbit with a handful of common table salt poised in the air, ready -to throw upon the tail of her rapidly retreating adversary. - -***** - -Jesse James, alias Pumpkin Jim, waited a reasonable length of time for -the return of Geraldine; but as she cometh not he said, he arose, and -bestriding his narrow guage mule, he rode away. - -He readily laid down his life again wherever he went, and although he -died a miserable death in almost every corner of the earth, he never -more met Geraldine Carboline O'Toole, the Italian Countess, to whom he -was betrothed. - -It is thought that she chased the crippled jack-rabbit into the realms -of space. - - - - -WILLIAM NYE AND THE HEATHEN CHINEE. - - -|The subject of agriculture, which really lies nearest my heart of -anything I can think of, naturally brings to the front the oriental -buckwheater. - -The Chinaman, as an agriculturalist, is generally successful in a small -way, and I love to watch him work. Whenever I get bilious and need -exercise, I go over to the southend of town and vicariously hoe radishes -for an hour or two till the pores are open, and I feel that delightful -languor and the chastened sense of hunger and honesty which comes to the -man who is not afraid to toil. - -There is a feeling now too prevalent among our American people that the -Chinaman should be driven away, but I do not join in the popular cry -because I enjoy him too much, and he soothes me and cheers me when all -the earth seems filled with woe. - -My favorite oriental onion-promoter is called Tue Long. This, however, -was a piece of side-splitting mirth on the part of his parents, for, as -a matter of fact, he is too short. - -He is considerably bronzed by the action of the sun and his out-of-door -pursuits, so that his complexion has that radiant olive tinge that we -see on the canvas-covered ham. - -I go over to Tue Long's farm, in Sherrod's alkali addition to Laramie, -when I feel that office work does not give me the physical exercise that -I need, and I lean over the fence and tell Tue Long my experience with -club-footed parsnips and early-fried potatoes. At first he used to -listen to me with his mouth open, so that you could throw a Mason & -Hamlin organ into it, but now he don't seem to pay much attention to -what I say to him. - -This shows that the Chinaman cannot keep pace with the rapid strides now -being made by American agriculture. - -One day last week I had lost my appetite, and needed active bodily -exertion, so I strolled over to the rat-eater's rural retreat, to watch -Tue Long a few hours, and see if I couldn't get up an appetite. - -The wind was blowing pretty fresh, as it sometimes does in this lovely -clime, and Tue Long was trying to hold down some vulcanized rubber -beets, and moss-agate asparagus. He wasn't succeeding very well, for -just as he would get the beets driven into the ground securely, the -zephyr would spring up from the south and blow the moss-agate asparagus -all over the military reservation. Then while he would be giving his -attention to the asparagus, the wailing winds would blow down his fence, -and turn the tail of Tue Long's morning wrapper over his head, and leave -his spinal column sticking up into the summer sky. - -It seemed to be a bad day for agriculture, and Tue Long would -alternately uncork some brocaded profanity, and then chase his hat, or -do up his hair in a fresh Grecian coil I leaned over the fence, and -laughing a low gurgling laugh, I said: - -"Tue Long, you must learn to control your fiendish temper. Agriculture -requires patience and serenity of disposition. You must always be -cheerful and gentle. Always be pleasant and amiable in your home life. -When the mountain wind uncoils your back-hair, and you cannot hold down -the flap of your dressing sacque, you must not get mad and swear; but -fill the air with merry laughter, just as Confucius used to do. Be a -philosopher, and frown down these little annoyances." - -Now, when I was propagating my Scotch-plaid summer squashes, the -squash-bugs got in one morning before breakfast, and ate the vines. Soon -after that I tried a new kind of fire-proof squash, with a hunting-case -on it; but the squash-bugs took a spade and pried open the hunting-case, -and ate the supreme stuffing out of every individual squash. I then -tried the Bessemer-steel squash, with plaster of Paris works inside, but -the irrigation was defective, and it never matured. - -But, did I forget myself and swear like a Guinea hen, the way you -do? Did I break forth into petulant remarks, and lower myself in the -estimation of my neighbors? - -Not to any remarkable degree. - -I went to the stockholders of the Pioneer Canal Company and said, "Here, -gentlemen, I am an inexperienced agriculturalist, and I do not succeed. -Nothing grows under my watchful care but the speckled squash-bug, and -the fresh water cut worm. You are old, horny-handed sons of toil, and -practical tillers of the soil; what shall I do?" - -Then the secretary called a meeting of the stockholders, and the matter -was discussed. The general custodian of peculiar seeds and rare bulbs -was ordered to select certain seeds from the bureau, and give them to me -for trial. Among these were the seeds of the early dwarf salad oil -vine, the Northern spy horse radish, the black and tan Lima bean, the -non-explosive codfish ball, the soda water melon, the grammatical sugar -beet, and the anti-cut worm asbestos string bean. - -These have all grown well and thrived when my neighbors, who were too -proud to ask advice, have failed. I shall this year raise, no doubt, -enough of the non-explosive codfish ball alone to place me far beyond -the reach of want. But Tue Long is a thousand years behind the great -irresistible tide of progress, and will cling to his celluloid beets and -cottonwood cucumbers for ages yet to come. - - - - -HONG LEE'S GRAND BENEFIT AT LEADVILLE. - - -|It will be remembered about nine months ago Hong Lee resolved to -establish a branch laundry and shirt-destroying establishment--at -Leadville, with the main office and general headquarters at Laramie. All -at once he came back, and seemed to be satisfied at the old stand. So I -would ask him his opinion of the future of the carbonate camp. - -Hong Lee had just tied his hair up in a Grecian coil and secured it in -a mass of shining braids, as I came in, and was giving some orders as -to the day's work. One employe was just completing his devotions to a -cross-eyed god in one corner, and another was squirting water out of -his mouth like an oriental street sprinkler over the spotless front of a -white shirt. - -Hong Lee asked me to sit down on the ironing table and make myself at -home. I asked him how trade was, and a few other unimportant questions, -and then asked him what he thought of Leadville. I cannot give the -conversation in the exact language in which it was given, as I am not up -in pigeon English. He said he went over to Leadville, thinking that at -$4.25 per dozen he could work up a good business and wear a brocaded -overshirt with slashed sleeves and Pekin trimmings. Trade was a -little dull here and he had more Chinamen than he could use, so he had -concluded to establish a branch outfit at Leadville and make some scads. - -I asked him why he did not remain at the camp and go through the -pro--- gramme. - -He said that the general feeling in Leadville was not friendly to the -Chinaman. The people did not meet him with a brass band, and the mayor -didn't tender him the freedom of the city. On the contrary, they seemed -cold and distant toward him. By and by they clubbed together and came -to call on him. They were very attentive then. Very much so. Some had -shot-guns to fire salutes with, and others had large clotheslines in -their hands. Hong Lee felt proud to be so much thought of, and was -preparing an impromptu speech on orange paper with a marking brush, when -the chairman came and told him that a few American citizens had come, -hoping to be of use to him in learning the ways of the city. - -Then they took him out to the public square where Hong Lee supposed that -he was to make his speech, and they proceeded to kick him into the most -shapeless mass. They kicked him into a globular form and then flattened -him out after which they knocked him into a rhomboid. This change was -followed by thumping him into an isosceles triangle. When he looked more -like a bundle of old clothes than a Chinaman, they took him with a pair -of tongs, and threw him over the battlements. - -[Illustration: 9124] - -Hono-Lee returned to consciousness, and murmured, "Where am I?" or words -to that effect. A noble mule-skinner passing by, touched him up with the -hot end of his mule whip, and showed him the route to Denver. - -Hong Lee says now, be it ever so humble, there's no place like home. - - - - -YOU FOU. - - -|She is rather below the medium height, and her gait is the easy -gliding movement of a club-footed Guinea pig. She has a mouth like a -whippoorwill, and when she laughed at some little _bon mot_, such as I -am always getting off, her upper lip was thrown back over her head, till -it caught on a large Celestial hair-pin, and her attendant had to go -up there with a monkey-wrench and unfasten it. It was the most heavenly -smile I ever saw. It had so much depth and soul to it. I felt flattered, -of course, but I was more guarded in my remarks after that. The Chinese, -as a nation, cannot grapple with our American style of joke. They are -not strong enough. - -You Fou was held here on a telegram from Denver, until Monday, when she -was released on writ of _habeas corpus_. I went up to see how the writ -would work on a China woman. At first it 'didn't seem to catch on, but -after awhile it began to work on her all right; and eventually turned -her loose. But I wouldn't be a habeas corpus for $2 per day and board. - -After being released on the writ, there being no warrant at that time, -counsel told Ah Say, who had You Fou in charge, that the best thing for -him to do would be to light out with great vehemence for some foreign -strand, as the Denver officer would be here Monday evening with the -required documents to take You Fou back to Denver. She was therefore -taken to the palatial residence of Hong Lee, on Second, near A street, -where she was rigged up in man's attire; but Sheriff Boswell stepped in, -and through the gauzy disguise he discovered You Fou. - -He arrested her. She was bathed in tears. It was the first bath she -ever had. He took her and held her, figuratively speaking, until -another telegram announced that the requisition of the Governor was -countermanded, and You Fou lit out for her destination. - -I shall write a little novelette next summer with this tale as a -foundation, and it will be a good thing. I am having the cuts made now -at a shoemaker shop here in town. - - - - -THE LOP-EARED LOVERS OF THE LITTLE LARAMIE. - - - - -CHAPTER I.--A TALE OF LOVE AND PARENTAL CUSSEDNESS. - - -|The scene opens with a landscape. In the foreground stands a house; but -there are no honeysuckles or Johnny-jump-ups clambering over the door; -there are no Columbines or bitter-sweets, or bachelors-buttons, clinging -lovingly to the eaves, and filling the air with fragrance. The reason -for this is, that it is too early in the spring for Columbines and -Johnny-jump-ups, at the time when our story opens, and they wouldn't grow -in that locality without irrigation, anyway. That is the reason that -these little adjuncts do not appear in the landscape. - -But the scene is nevertheless worthy of a painter. The house, -especially, ought to be painted, and a light coat of the same article on -the front gate would improve its appearance materially. In the door of -the cottage stands a damsel, whose natural lovliness is enhanced 30 -or 40 per cent, by a large oroide chain which encircles her swan-like -throat; and, as she shades her eyes with her alabaster hand, the gleam -of a gutta percha ring on her front finger tells the casual observer -that _she is engaged_. - -While she is shading her eyes from the blinding glare of the orb of -day, the aforesaid orb of day keeps right on setting, according to -advertisement, and at last disappears behind the snowy range, lighting -up, as it does so, the fleecy clouds and turning them into gold, -figuratively speaking, making the picture one of surpassing lovliness. -But what does she care for a $13.00 sunset, or the low, sad wail of the -sage-hen far up the canon, as it calls to its mate? What does she care -for the purple landscape and the mournful sigh of the new milch cow -which is borne to her over the greet divide? She don't care a cent. - - - - -CHAPTER II. - - -|It is now the proper time to bring in the solitary horseman. He is -seen riding a mouse-colored bronco on a smooth canter, and, from his -uneasiness in the saddle, it is evident that he has been riding a long -time, and that it doesn't agree with him. He has been attending the -spring meeting of the Rocky Mountain Roundup. - -He takes a benevolent chew of tobacco, looks at his cylinder-escapement -watch, and plunges his huge Mexican spurs into the panting sides of his -bronco steed. The ambitious steed rears forward and starts away into -the gathering gloom at the rate of twenty-one miles in twenty-one days, -while a bitter oath escapes from the clenched teeth and foam-flecked -lips of the pigeon-toed rider. - -But stay! Let us catch a rapid outline of the solitary horseman, for he -is the affianced lover and soft-eyed gazelle of Luella Frowzletop, -the queen of the Skimmilk Ranche. He is evidently a man of say twenty -summers, with a sinister expression to the large, ambitious, imported, -Italian mouth. A broad-brimmed white hat with a scarlet flannel band -protects his Gothic features from the burning sun, and a pale-brown -ducking suit envelopes his lithe form. A horsehair lariat hangs at his -saddle bow, and the faint suspicion of a downy mustache on his chiselled -upper lip is just beginning to ooze out into the air, as if ashamed of -itself. It is one of those sickly mustaches, a kind of cross between -blonde and brindle, which mean well enough, but never amount to -anything. His eyes are fierce and restless, with short, expressive, -white eyelashes, and his nose is short but wide out, gradually melting -away into his bronzed and stalwart cheeks, like a dish of ice-cream -before a Sabbath school picnic. - -Such is the rough sketch of Pigeon-toed Pete, the swain who had stolen -away the heart of Luella Frowzletop, the queen of the Skimmilk Ranche. -He isn't handsome, but he is very good, and he loves the fair Luella -with a great deal of diligence, although her parents are averse to the -match, for we might as well inform the sagacious and handsome -reader that her parents are Presbyterians, whereas the hero of this -blood-curdling tale is a hard-shell Baptist. Thus are two hearts doomed -to love in vain. - - - - -CHAPTER III. - - -|During all this time that we have been going on with the preceding -chapter, Luella has been standing in the door looking away to the -eastward, a soiled gingham apron thrown over her head, and a dreamy, -far-away look in her mournful sorrel eyes. Suddenly there breaks on her -finely moulded and flexible ear the sound of a horse's hoof. - -"Aha!" she murmurs. "Hist! it is him. Blast his picture! Why didn't he -have some style about him, and get here on time?" And she impatiently -mashes a huge mosquito that is fastened on her swarthy arm. - -Any one could see, as she stood there, that she was mad. She didn't -really have any cause for it, but she was an only child, and accustomed -to being petted and humored, and lying in bed till half past ten. This -had made her high spirited, and she occasionally turned loose with the -first thing that came to hand. - -"You're a fine-haired snoozer from Bitter Creek; ain't ye?" said the -pale flower of Skimmilk Ranche, as the solitary horseman alighted from -his panting steed, and threw his arms about her with great _sang froid_. - -"In what respect?" said Pigeon-toed Pete, as he held her from him, and -looked lovingly down into her deep, sorrel eyes... - -"O fairest of thy sect," he continued, as he took out his quid of -tobacco, preparatory to planting a long, wide, passionate kiss on her -burning cheek, "you wot not what you feign would say. The way was long, -my ambling steed has a ringbone on the off leg, and thou chidest me, thy -erring swain, without a cause." He knew that she would pitch into him, -so he had this little impromptu speech all committed to memory. - -She pillowed her sunny head on his panting breast for an hour or so, and -shed eleven or eight happy tears. - -"O lode star of my existence, and soother of my every sorrow," said -he, with charming _naivete_, "wilt thou fly with me to-night to some -adjacent justice of the peace, and be my skipful gazelle, my little _ne -plus ultra_, my own _magnum bomum_ and _multum in parvo_, so to speak? -Leave your Presbyterian parents to run the ranche, and fly with me. You -shall never want for anything. You shall never put your dimpled hands in -dish-water, or wring out your own clothes. I will get you a new rosewood -washing machine, and when your slightest look indicates that you want -forty or fifty dollars for pin money, I will make out a check for that -amount." - -He had just finished his little harangue, whatever that is, and was -putting in a few choice gestures, when the old man came around from -behind the rain-water barrel with a shotgun, and told the impassioned -swain that he had better skip. He told the ardent admirer of Luella that -he had better not linger to any great extent, and as he said it in his -quiet but firm way, at the same time fondling the lock on his shotgun, -the lover lingered not, but hied him away to his neighing steed, and, -lightly springing into the saddle, was soon lost to the sight. We will -leave him on the road for a short time. - - - - -CHAPTER IV. - - -We will now suppose a period of three years to have passed. Luella had -been sent to visit her friends in southern Iowa, partly to assuage her -grief, and partly to save expenses, for she was a hearty eater. Here she -met a young man named Rufus G. Hopper, who fell in love with her, about -the first hard work he did, and when, metaphorically speaking, he laid -his 40-acre homestead, with its wealth of grasshopper eggs, at her feet, -she capitulated, and became his'n, and he became her'n. - -Thus these two erstwhile lovers of the long ago had become separated, -and the fair Queen of the Skimmilk Ranche had taken a change of venue -with her affections. Still all seemed to be well to the casual observer, -although at times her eyes had that far-away look of those who are -crossed in love, or whose livers are out of order. Was it the fleeing -vision of the absent lover, or had she eaten something that didn't agree -with her? - -Ah! who shall say that at times there did not flash across her mind the -fact that she had sacrificed herself on the altar of Mammon, and given -her rich love in exchange for forty acres of Government land? But the -time drew nigh for the celebration of the nuptials, and still no tidings -of the absent lover. Nearer and nearer came the 4th of July, the day -set apart for the wedding, and still in the dark mysterious bosom of the -unknown, lurked the absent swain. - -***** - -These stars indicate the number of days which we must now suppose to -have passed, and the glad day of the Nation's rejoicing is at hand. The -loud mouthed cannon, proclaims, for the one hundredth time, that in the -little Revolutionary scrimmage of 1776, our forefathers got away with -the persimmons. Flags wave, bands play, and crackers explode, and scare -the teams from the country. Fair rustic maids are seen on every hand -with their good clothes on, and farmers' sons walk up and down the -street, asking the price of watermelons and soda water. Bye and bye the -band comes down street playing "Old Zip Coon," with variations. The -procession begins to form and point toward the grand stand, where the -Declaration of Independence will be read to the admiring audience, and -lemonade retailed at five cents a glass. - -But who are the couple who sit on the front seat near the speaker's -stand, listening with rapt attention to the new and blood-curdling -romance, entitled the "Declaration of Independence?" It is Luella and -her bran new husband. The casual observer can discover that, by the way -he smokes a cheap cigar in her face, and allows the fragrant smoke from -the five cent Havana to drift into her sorrel eyes. All at once the band -strikes up the operatic strain of "Captain Jinks," and as the sad melody -dies away in the distance, a young man steps proudly forth, at the -conclusion of the president's introductory speech, and in a low, musical -voice, begins to set forth the wrongs visited on the Pilgrim Fathers, -and to dish up the bones of G. Washington and T. Jefferson, in various -styles. - -What is it about the classic mouth, with its charming _naivete_, and -the amber tinge lurking about its roguish outlines, which awakes the old -thrill in Luella's heart, and causes the vital current to recede from -its accustomed channels, and leave her face like marble, save where here -and there a large freckle stands out in bold relief? It is the mouth of -Pigeon toed Pete. Those same Gothic features stand out before her, and -she knows him in a moment. It is true he had colored his mustache, -and he wore a stand-up collar; but it was the same form, the same low, -musical, squeaky voice, and the same large, intellectual ears, which she -remembered so well. - -It appeared that he had been to the Gunnison country, and having -manifested considerable originality and genius as a bull whacker, had -secured steady employment and large wages, being a man with a ready -command of choice and elegant profanity, and an irresistable way of -appealing to the wants of a sluggish animal. Taking his spare change, he -had invested it in hand made sour mash corn juice, which he retailed at -from 25 to 50 cents per glass. Rain water being plenty, the margin was -large, and his profits highly satisfactory. In this way he had managed -to get together some cash, and was at once looked upon as a leading -capitalist, and a man on whom rested the future prosperity of the -country. He wore moss-agate sleeve buttons, and carried a stem-winding -watch. He looked indeed like a thing of life, and as he closed with some -stirring quotation from Martin F. Tupper amid the crash of applause, -and the band struck up the oratorio of "Whoop'em up'Liza Jane," and -the audience dispersed to witness a game of base-ball. Luella took her -husband's arm, climbed into the lumber wagon, and rode home, with a -great grief in her heart. Had she deferred her wedding for only a few -short hours, the course of her whole life would have been entirely -changed, and, instead of plodding her weary way through the long, -tedious years as Mrs. Hopper, making rag-carpets during the winter, and -smashing the voracious potato bug during the summer, she might have -been interested in a carbonate 'Bonanza, worn checked stockings, and -low-necked shoes. - -There are two large, limpid tears standing in her sorrel eyes, as the -curtain falls on this story, and her lips move involuntarily as she -murmurs that little couplet from Milton:-- - -```"I feel kind of sad and bilious, because - -``My heart keeps sighing, 'It couldn't was.'"= - - - - -SPEECH OF SPARTACTUS. - -ADAPTED FROM THE ORIGINAL ESPECIALLY FOR THIS WORK. - - -|It had been a day of triumph in Capua. Lentulus returning with -victorious eagles, had aroused the populace with the sports of the -amphitheatre, to an extent hitherto unknown even in that luxurious city. -A large number of people from the rural districts had been in town to -watch the conflict in the arena, and to listen with awe and veneration -to the infirm and decrepit ring jokes. - -The shouts of revelry had died away. The last loiterer had retired from -the free-lunch counter, and the lights in the palace of the victor were -extinguished. The moon piercing the tissue of fleecy clouds, tipped the -dark waters of the Tiber rith a wavy tremulous light. The dark-browed -Roman soldier moved on his homeward way, the sidewalk occasionally -flying up and hitting him in the back. - -No sound was heard save the low sob of some retiring wave, as it -told its story to the smooth pebbles of the beach, or the unrelenting -boot-jack struck the high board fence in the back yard, just missing the -Roman Tom cat in its mad flight, and then all was still as the breast -when the spirit has departed. Anon the Roman snore would steal in -upon the deathly silence, and then die away like the sough of a -summer breeze. In the green room of the amphitheater a Jittle band of -gladiators were assembled. The foam of conflict yet lingered on their -lips, the scowl of battle yet hung upon their brows, and the large knobs -on their classic profiles indicated that it had been a busy day with -them. - -There was an embarassing silence of about five minutes, When Spartacus, -borrowing a chew of tobacco from Trioforatum Aurelius, stepped forth and -thus addressed them: "Mr. Chairman, Ladies and Gentlemen: Ye call me -chief, and ye do well to call him chief who for twelve long years has -met in the arena every shape of man or beast that the broad empire of -Rome could furnish, and yet has never lowered his arm. I do not say this -to brag, however, but simply to show that I am the star thumper of the -entire outfit. - -"If there be one among you who can say that ever in public fight or -private brawl my actions did belie my words, let him stand forth and say -it, and I will spread him around over the arena till the Coroner will -have to gather him up with a blotting paper. If there be three in all -your company dare face me on the bloody sands, let them come, and I will -construct upon their physiognomy such cupolas, and royal cornices, and -Corinthian capitols, and entablatures, that their own mothers would pass -them by in the broad light of high noon, unrecognized. - -"And yet I was not always thus--a hired butcher--the savage chief of -still more savage men. - -"My ancestors came from old Sparta, the county seat of Marcus Aurelius -county, and settled among the vine-clad hills and cotton groves of -Syrsilla. My early life ran quiet as the clear brook by which I sported. -Aside from the gentle patter of the maternal slipper on my overalls, -everything moved along with me like the silent oleaginous flow of the -ordinary goose grease. My boyhood was one long, happy summer day. We -stole the Roman muskmelon, and put split sticks on the tail of the Roman -dog, and life was one continuous hallelujah. - -"When at noon I led the sheep beneath the shade and played the Sweet -Bye-and-Bye on my shepherd's flute, there was another Spartan youth, the -son of a neighbor, to join me in the pastime. We led our flocks to -the same pasture, and together picked the large red ants out of our -indestructible sandwiches. - -"One evening, after the sheep had been driven into the corral and -we were all seated beneath the persimmon tree that shaded our humble -cottage, my grandsire, an old man, was telling of Marathon and Leuctra -and George Francis Train and Dr. Mary Walker and other great men, and -how a little band of Spartans, under Sitting Bull, had withstood the -entire regular army. I did not then know what war was, but my cheek -burned, I knew not why, and I thought what a glorious thing it would be -to leave the reservation and go on the warpath. But my mother kissed my -throbbing temples and bade me go soak my head and think no more of those -old tales and savage wars. That very night the Romans landed on our -coasts. They pillaged the whole country, burned the agency buildings, -demolished the ranche, rode off the stock, tore down the smoke-house, -and rode their war horses over the cucumber vines. - -"To-day I killed a man in the arena, and when I broke his helmet-clasps -and looked upon him, behold! he was my friend. The same sweet smile was -on his face that I had known when in adventurous boyhood we bathed in -the glassy lake by our Spartan home and he had tied my shirt into 1,752 -dangerous and difficult knots. - -"He knew me, smiled some more, said 'Ta, ta,' and ascended the golden -stair. I begged of the Prętor that I might be allowed to bear away the -body and have it packed in ice and shipped to his friends near Syrsilla, -but he couldn't see it. - -"Ay, upon my bended knees, amidst the dust and blood of the anna, I -begged this poor boon, and the Prętor answered: 'Let the carrion rot. -There are no noble men but Romans and Ohio men. Let the show go on. -Bring in the bobtail lion from Abyssinia.' And the assembled maids and -mations and the rabble shouted in derision and told me to 'brace up' -and 'have some style about my clothes' and 'to give it to us easy,' with -other Roman flings which I do not now call to mind. - -"And so must you, fellow gladiators, and so must I, die like dogs. - -"To-morrow we are billed to appear at the Coliseum at Rome, and reserved -seats are being sold at the corner of Third and Corse streets for our -moral and instructive performance while I am speaking to you. - -"Ye stand here like giants as ye are, but to-morrow some Roman Adonis -with a sealskin cap will pat your red brawn and bet his sesturces upon -your blood. - -"O Rome! Rome! Thou hast been indeed a tender nurse to me. Thou hast -given to that gentle, timid shepherd lad who never knew a harsher tone -than a flute note, muscles of iron, and a heart like the adamantine -lemon pie of the railroad lunch-room. Thou hast taught him to drive his -sword through plated mail and links of rugged brass, and warm it in the -palpitating gizzard of his foe, and to gaze into the glaring eyeballs of -the fierce Numidian lion even as the smooth-cheeked Roman Senator looks -into the laughing eyes of the girls in the treasury department. - -"And he shall pay thee back till thy rushing Tiber is red as frothing -wine; and in its deepest ooze thy life-blood lies curdled. You doubtless -hear the gentle murmur of my bazoo. - -"Hark! Hear ye yon lion roaring in his den? 'Tis three days since he -tasted flesh, but to-morrow he will have gladiator on toast, and don't -you forget it; and he will fling your vertebrae about his cage like the -tar pitcher of a champion nine. - -"If ye are brutes, then stand here like fat oxen waiting for the -butcher's knife. If ye are men, arise and follow me. Strike down the -warden and the turnkey, overpower the police, and cut for the tall -timber. We will break through the city gate, capture the war-horse of -the drunken Roman, flee away to the lava beds, and there do bloody work, -as did our sires at old Thermopylae, scalp the western-bound emigrant, -and make the hen-roosts around Capua look sick. - -"O, comrades! warriors! gladiators!! - -"If we be men, let us die like men, beneath the blue sky, and by the -still waters, and be buried according to Gunter, instead of having our -shin bones polished off by Numidian lions, amid the groans and hisses of -a snide Roman populace." - - - - -CORRESPONDENCE. - -Dalles of the St. Croix, September 8, 1880. - - -|Yesterday we steamed up this beautiful river from Stillwater, and as -I write, our boat is moored at the head of navigation, with the mighty, -perpendicular walls of the St. Croix, shutting in the grassy waters -below, while a hundred yards above us the foaming torrent is dashing -against the invincible fortress of smooth, moss-grown rocks, with here -and there a somber pine or graceful spruce clinging to a jutting shelf -midway between the clear, calm sky above and the roaring, angry flood -beneath. - -Most every one has heard of the wonderful Dalles of the St. Croix. They -are not, however, the sole feature of the locality entitled to notice. -I consider the entire picture between Stillwater and the Falls one of -surpassing loveliness. At this season of the year, the high, gray walls -on either side of the lake and river are clad in garments of green and -gold, which mock the pen of the poet, and strike the beholder dumb, as -he stands in the royal presence of autumn. - -The deep green of the stately pine, stands side by side with the golden -glory of the poplar, and here and there the brazen billows and royal -coloring of maple and oak, the hectic flush upon the features of the -dving year, are spread out between the silent sky and the sandy beach; -while softly mirrored in the glassy waters, the whole broad picture -colored by a mighty, master hand, and with the myriad dyes from Nature's -inexhaustible laboratory lies repeated, the echo of a thrilling vision. - -There are two rival steamers plying on the Upper St. Croix. I do not -remember their names, because they charged me full fare both ways. I can -see that my memory is failing a little every day, and I am getting more -and more prone to forget those who do not recognize my innate and -spontaneous greatness at a glance, and extend the usual courtesies. - -When we came down we towed a wheat barge loaded with 21,000 bushels of -wheat, and it was pretty difficult most of the way. - -The opposition boat went up the night before, and had taken up the water -with a blotting-paper, so that every little while I had to roll up my -pants about nine feet, and go out into the channel, and luff up on the -starboard watch of the barge with a jenny pole and bring her to, so that -she could find moisture. - -Then I had a good deal of fun going ashore after ferns when the boat was -aground. While the crew went aft and close-reefed the smoke-stack and -hauled abaft the top-gallant, or side-tracked the wheat barge, my wife -would send me ashore to gather maiden-hair ferns, and soft, velvety -mosses, and sad, yearnful wood-ticks. O how I love to crawl around -through the underbrush, and tear my clothes, and wilt my collar, and -gather samples of lichens, and ferns and baled hay and caterpillars to -decorate my Western home. - -At first I thought I would not mention the little domestic cloud that -has shot athwart my sky, but I cannot smother it in my own breast any -longer. - -St. Croix Falls is on the Wisconsin side of the river and Taylor's Falls -on the Minnesota side. They are connected by a toll-bridge which charges -you one and a half cents each, way for passage. One can stand halfway -across this bridge and see up and down the river, with the Devil's Arm -Chair at his right and the Dalles at his left. After supper I took a -couple of friends down to the bridge and without Jetting them know the -treat that I had in store for them, I went up to the gate-keeper -and paid for all three of us both ways. Then I told them to enjoy -themselves. It was a novel treat perhaps to throw open a toll-bridge to -the enjoyment of one's friends, but I did it with that utter disregard -of expense which has characterized my mining developments in the Rocky -Mountains. - -Then I took the boys over across the river and gave them the freedom of -St. Croix Falls. - -Jutting out into the river south of Osceola, is a high, rocky promontory -called Cedar Point. Lonely and proud like a sentinel of the forgotten -past, there stands a tall cedar tree on this natural battlement, devoid -of foliage for some distance up the trunk. - -This tree was the old mark that stood upon the dividing line between -the Chippewa and Sioux territory. Below it, in the water-worn rock, is -a large semi-circle, made by the action of the river, and this it was -stated had been the footprint of the horse upon which the Great Spirit -had ridden across the stream when he drew the line between these two -mighty nations, and set the tree upon it to show his children the -boundary between their respective territories. This was the Indian Mason -and Dixon's line. - -What a wild, weird suggestion of the crude legislation and amateur -statesmanship of these two nations rises up before me as I write, and -how I yearn to go into the details and try to enter the free-for-all -contest and match a bob-tail Caucasian lie against these moss-grown -prevarications of the red-man. - -At Stillwater, my first wild impulse was to visit the State -Penitentiary. - -When I go into a new place I register my name at the most expensive -hotel, and after visiting the newspaper offices I hunt up the -penitentiary, if there be one, and if not, I go to the cooler. I do not -go there under duress, as the facetious reader might suggest, but I -go there voluntarily to see how the criminal business of the place is -looking. - -We went to the warden's office, and talked with him a little while, -showed him that we were not loaded with giant powder and cross-cut saws, -and then we were placed in charge of an usher, and sent through the -building to view the mighty manufacturing interests that are carried -on inside, where the striped criminals silently and doggedly are moving -about at their varied occupations. - -After awhile I got gloomy and began to whistle one of my tearful -refrains in G. The usher told me to please put up my whistle, and I -did so, partly to gratify him and partly because he had a temporary -advantage over me. Most every one who has heard me whistle seems glad -that his lines have fallen in such pleasant places; but this man, as I -afterward learned, did not know the first principle of music. He groped -along through life without knowing the difference between a symphony in -B, and the low, sad song of the twilight cat. - -Pretty soon we came to three men whose faces attracted my attention. - -They were the Younger brothers. Their faces were easy of identification -from the resemblance to wood cuts published at the time of their -capture. I stood silently looking at them for some time. - -Their countenances are a study for the reader of human character. -Sullen, grim and depraved, they impress the beholder with their utter -scorn for the laws and usages of the land. I asked the usher if I -guessed right; but he turned away and told me it was against the rules -of the institution to point out any one to visitors, or identify the -convicts in any way. Then I knew that I was right, because he was so -reserved. - -I gave one of the men my card and entered into a conversation with him. -It wasn't much of a conversation, however, because the usher broke in on -me, and shut me off, as it were. - -The description that I have given of the Younger brothers in this letter -is not over full, owing partly to the fact that the usher wouldn't let -me be as sociable with them as I wanted to be; and partly because I -afterward discovered, casually, that they were not the Younger brothers. - -Speaking of convicts reminds me of my experience with a poor, ignorant -man at Laramie--the creature of circumstances--who was sentenced to -three years in the Territorial penitentiary, for stealing a pair of -flea-bitten bronchos. He was convicted mainly on the testimony of a man, -who was afterward sent up for the same offence, and it was the general -belief that the first-named man was entirely innocent. He was trusted -about the penitentiary at all times, and allowed to go outside the walls -without guard, but never betrayed the trust reposed in him. - -I went to him and talked with him. His spirits and health were broken, -and he told me, with tears in his eyes, that he hoped only for a -merciful death to end his sufferings. While acting as guard to a party -of convicts outside one day, they fell upon him and nearly killed him -with a huge stone, and then leaving him bleeding and insensible. - -He could not tell of his sufferings without crying. I undertook to -enlist sympathy for him, and when I told his tale of misfortune to -the governor and authorities in that thrilling way of mine, I had no -difficulty in securing his pardon. - -He came to my office and sobbed out his gratitude till I told him it was -of no consequence, and begged him not to mention it, although it was the -proudest moment of my life. He went to work for a citizen of Laramie, -with the old, industrious, patient air, and I pointed him out with pride -to my friends as a man whom I had rescued and brought back to a useful -life. - -One morning, however, before the pale dawn had streaked the eastern sky -he took his employer's team and what money there was in the house and -struck out for the Gunnison country. He did not know anything about -mining, but he had such implicit confidence in himself that he started -out alone and without letters of introduction to leading men in that -country. It was a good thing that he did have perfect confidence in -himself, for no one else had much confidence in him after that. - -During that day a good many of my friends came around to see me. I -didn't know I had so many friends. They all seemed to be in first-rate -spirits. They seemed glad to see me, and laughed a good deal. Sometimes -I couldn't see what they were laughing at, for my horizon was shrouded -in gloom. It don't take much to make some people laugh. - -I have never felt perfectly at ease with Governor Thayer since that. I -know that he regards me as a confederate with that man, and he thinks -that I got part of the money realized from the sale of that team, but -I didn't. If it were the last statement I should make on earth I would -still say? - -As Heaven is my witness, that I have never realized a single dollar from -the sale of that team. - - - - -HE WENT OUT WEST FOR HIS HEALTH. - - -|In my capacity of justice of the peace and general wholesale and retail -dealer in fresh, new-laid equity and evenhanded justice, I often meet -with those who have seen better days, and who, through the ever-changing -fortunes of the west, have fallen lower and lower in the social scale, -until they stand up and are assessed as "common drunks," or "vags," or -"assault and batteries," with that natural and easy grace which comes -only to those who have been before the public in that capacity, -so numerously, that it has ceased to indicate itself by the usual -embarrassment of the amateur. - -[Illustration: 9145] - -Perhaps no surging sentiments of pity have stirred my very soul during -my official career, like those that throbbed wildly athwart my system a -few days ago. - -It was a case of the most bitter disappointment of a young life. A youth -from Chicago, came to me, near the close of day. I was just about to -lock up the judicial scales for the evening, and secure the doors of -the archives, preparatory to going out and "shaking" the mayor for the -lemonade, after which I intended to breathe in a little fresh atmosphere -and go home to dinner. - -It had been a hard day in the temple of justice that day, and the court -was weary. - -It had dealt out even-handed justice at regular rates, since early -morning, at so much per deal, till fatigue was beginning to show itself -in the lines upon the broad, white brow. - -Therefore, when a halting step was heard on the stair, there was a low -murmur on the part of the court, and a half-surprised moan that sounded -like the tail end of an affidavit. - -The young man who entered the hallowed presence of eternal justice, and -the all-pervading and dazzling beauty of the court in its shirt-sleeves, -was of about medium stature, with shoes cut decollette, and -Roman-striped socks clocked with brocaded straw-colored silk. - -He wore an ecru colored straw hat, with navy-blue brocaded band, -and necktie of old gold, with polka dots of humberta and cardinal, -interspersed with embroidered horseshoe and stirrup in coucherde soleil -and ultramarine. - -His hair was dark and oleaginous, and his shirt was cream colored -ground, with narrow baby-blue stripes, cutaway collar, and cuffs that -extended out into space. - -He also had some other clothes on. - -But over all, and pervading the entire man, was the look of hopelessness -and corroding grief. With all his good clothes on, he was a hollow -mockery, for his eyes were heavy with woe. - -The nose also was heavy with woe. - -This feature in fact was more appropriately draped in token of its -sadness than any of the rest. Few noses are so expressive of a general -and incurable gloom as this one was. It had evidently at one time been -a glad, joyous, and buoyant nose, but now it was despondent and low -spirited. - -There was a look of goneness and utter desolation about it that would -stir the better impulses of the most heartless. - -The feature had evidently tried to centralize itself, but had failed. -Here and there narrow strips of court-plaster had gone out after it and -tried to win it back, but they had not succeeded. - -I said, "Mister, there seems to be a panic among your nose. It's none -of my business, of course, but couldn't you get a brass band and call it -together? Then you could hold a meeting and decide whether it had better -resume or not." - -The gentleman from Chicago went through the motions of wiping the wide -waste and howling desolation where his once joyous nose had been, and -then, putting away the plum-colored silk handkerchief with the orange -border, he said "'Squire, I have been grossly deceived. You see in me -the victim of a base misrepresentation. In Chicago this season of the -year is extremely unhealthy. The intense hot weather carries away the -innocent and the good, and I feared that my turn would come soon. - -"I heard of the salubrious clime of your mountain city, where the days -are filled with gladness and the burning heat of the mighty city by the -inland sea never comes. - -"I came here two brief days ago, and you can see with the naked eye what -the result has been. - -"It is not gratifying. The climate may in the abstract be all right, but -there are certain sudden and wonderful atmospheric changes that I cannot -account for, and they are very disastrous. - -"I was sitting in a Second Street saloon to-day, talking about matters -and things, when the conversation turned on physical strength. One thing -led to another, and finally I made a little humorous remark to a young -man there, which remark I have made in Chicago many times without -disastrous results, but the air clouded up all of a sudden, and in -the darkness I could see Roman candles going off and pin-wheels and -high-priced rockets and blue-lights, etc. - -"Shortly after that I gathered up what fragments of my face I could find -and went down to the doctor's office. - -"He held an inquest on my nose, and I paid for it. - -"I shall go back to Chicago to-morrow. I shall not be as handsome as I -was, but I have gained a good deal of information about the broad and -beautiful west which is priceless in value to me. - -"All I wished to say was this; if you see fit to mention this matter -to the public, tone it down as much as possible, and say that for a -bilious, nervous temperament, perhaps the air here is too bracing." - -I have considered his sensitive feelings, and have tried to give the -above account in fair and impartial terms. - - - - -A QUIET LITTLE WEDDING WITHOUT ANY FRILLS - - -|Another class of those who frequent the temple of justice includes -those who are in search of matrimony at reduced rates. - -I remember one unostentatious little wedding which took place at the -general headquarters of municipal jurisprudence, over which I preside, -and during the earlier history of my reign. - -It was quite a success in a small way. - -I had just moved into the office, and had been engaged that morning in -putting up a stove. The stove had seemed reluctant, and as my assistant -was sociably drunk, I had not succeeded very well. - -The pipe didn't seem to be harmonious, and the effort to bring about a -union between the discordant elements, had not, up to the time of which -I speak, produced any very gratifying results. - -I had reached down into the elbow of the pipe several times, to see how -it felt down there, and after satisfying my morbid curiosity in that -respect, I had yielded to a wild and uncontrollable desire to scratch my -nose with the same hand. - -This had given me an air of intense sadness, and opaque gloom. - -I stood on the top of a step-ladder trying to make the end of a six-inch -joint of pipe go into the end of a five-inch joint, when the groom -entered. He wanted to know if he could see the general manager, and I -told him he could if he had a piece of smoked glass, and a $5 promissory -note executed by old man Spinner. - -Then he told me how he was fixed. He desired a small package of -connubial bliss, and without delay. - -The necessary preliminaries were arranged; the groom made an extempore -effort to spit in the mosaic cuspidore, but was only partially -successful, put on his hat and went out in search of Juliet. - -She was very unique in her style, and entirely free from any effort to -appear to the best advantage. - -She wore her hair plain, _a la_ Sitting Bull. It had been banged, but -not with any great degree of system or accuracy. Probably it had been -done with the pinking-iron or a pair of ice-tongs by an amateur banger. - -She looked some like Mrs. Bender, only younger and more queenly, -perhaps. - -She swept into the arena with the symmetrical movement and careless -grace of a hired man--only her steps were longer and less methodical. - -Both bride and groom had come through with a band of emigrants from -Kansas, and, therefore, they were out of swallow-tail coats and orange -blossoms. - -There was no airy tulle and shimmering satin, or broadcloth and -spike-tail coat in the procession; at least there was none visible to -the court. - -The groom was bronzed and bearded like a pard, whatever that is, and -wore a pair of brown-duck overalls, caught back with copper rivets and -held in place by a lonely suspender. He also wore a hickory shirt with -stripes running vertically. His hair looked like burnished gold, only he -hadn't burnished it much since he left Kansas. - -The entire emigrant train dropped in one by one to witness the ceremony, -and seemed impressed with the overshadowing and awe-inspiring nature of -the surroundings. - -One by one they filed in, and, making their little contribution to the -mosaic cuspidore, they leaned themselves up against the wall and wrapped -themselves in thought. - -I bandaged my finger, which I had skinned some in putting the stove -together, wiped off what soot and ashes I had about my person and -thought I would not need, and boldly solidified these two young hearts. - -The ceremony was not very impressive, but it did the required amount of -damage. That was all that was necessary. - -The applicants seemed to miss the wedding-march and some other little -preparatory arrangements, which I had overlooked, but I apologized to -them afterward, and told them that when times picked up a little, and -I got established, and the new fee-bill went into operation, I would -attend to these things. - -The wedding presents were not numerous, but they were useful, and showed -the good sense of the donors. - -The bride's mother gave her one of the splint-bottom chairs that one -always sees tied to the rear of every well regulated emigrant wagon, and -her father gave her a cream-colored dog, with one eye knocked out. - -With his overflowing wealth of flea-bitten dogs, he might have done much -better by her than he did, but he said he would wait a few years and if -she were poor enough to need more dogs, he would not be parsimonious. - -The young couple went up on Coyote Creek and went to housekeeping, and -years have gone by since without word from them. - -In the turmoil and hurry of life, I had almost forgotten them until -Cole's circus was in town the other day. - -That brought them to light. - -They had done well in the dog business, and had succeeded in promoting -the growth of a new kind of meek and lowly dog, with sore places on him -for homeless and orphan flies. - -They also had several children with reddish hair and large, wilted ears. - -The youngest one was quite young, and cried when the calliope burst into -a wild rhapsody of Nancy Lee. - -When I saw the family, the mother was eagerly watching the parade, and -at the same time trying to broil the baby's nose in the sun. It was -almost done, when I was called away by other business, so I cannot say -positively whether the child was taken home rare or well-done. - - - - -THOUGHTS ON SPRING - - -|Spring is the most joyful season of the year. The little brooklets are -released from their icy fetters and go laughing and rippling along their -winding way. The birds begin to sing in the budding branches, and the -soft South wind calls forth the green grass. - -The husbandman then goes forth to dig the horseradish for his frugal -meal. He also jabs his finger into the rosebud mouth of the wild-eyed -calf, and proceeds to wean him from the gentle cow. The cow-boy goes -forth humming a jocund lay. So does the hen. Boys should not go near the -hen while she is occupied with her tuneful lay. She might seize them by -the off ear, and bear them away to her den, and feed them to her young. -The hen rises early in the morning so as to catch the swift-footed -angleworm as he flits from flower to flower. The angleworm cannot bite. - -In the spring the young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love. Love is a -good thing. - -The picnic plant will soon lift its little head to the sunshine, and -the picnic manager will go out and survey the country, to find where the -most God-forsaken places are, and then he will get up an excursion to -some of these picturesque mud-holes and sand-piles; and the man who -swore last year that he would never go to another picnic, will pack up -some mustard, and bay rum, and pickles, and glycerine, and a lap-robe, -and some camphor, and a spyglass, and some court-plaster; and he will -heave a sigh and go out to the glens and rural retreats, and fill his -skin full of Tolu, Rock and Rye, and hatred toward all mankind and -womankind; and he will skin his hands, and try to rub the downy fluff -and bloom from a cactus by sitting down on it. - -I have attended picnics regularly for nearly ten years now, and I am a -man of a good deal of firmness, too, but I cannot hold a cactus down on -the ground with my entire weight, any better than when I first began; -and I feel that I am getting farther and farther from redeeming grace. - -With the approach of spring the correspondence between myself and Mr. Le -Duc begins to get more brisk also. He writes me under date of March 20, -saying that he is preparing for amore vigorous campaign this summer than -ever before. He thinks the clip from his Cotswold hydraulic rams -will exceed that of any previous year. He will also experiment in a -scientific manner to perfect the laying of fancy Easter porcelain and -decorated China eggs by Cochin China fowls. If they cannot manage it he -will try some experiments on the egg plant. Mr. Le Duc is a man who is -not easily discouraged by small obstacles. He will watch the habits of -the grasshopper and curculio and bed-bug, also with great assiduity. -I have begged him to transfer the bed-bug to the Indian Department. He -always regards my suggestions very favorably, because, as he says, I am -"so practical." - -We are going to devote a part of the summer to grafting the saddle-rock -oyster on the vegetable oyster-plant, and will spare no pains to -secure an inland oyster that will stand this dry air and high, rigorous -climate. - - - - -THE SAME OLD THING. - - -|Recently I have had the pleasure of acting as chief mourner at a -mountain picnic. This subject has been pretty well represented in -romance and song already; but I venture to give my experience as being a -little out of the ordinary. - -The joy which is experienced in the glad, free life of the picnicker is -always before the picnic. On the evening before he makes the excursion, -he is too full of sacred pleasure and lavender-colored tranquillity for -anything. - -He glides about the house, softly warbling to himself the fragment of -some tender love song, while he packs the corkscrews and matches, and -other vegetables for the morrow. - -I was placed in command of a party of ladies who had everything arranged -so that all I needed to do would be to get into the buggy and drive to -the mountains, eat my lunch, and drive back again. - -I like to go with a party of ladies, because they never make suggestions -about the route, or how to drive. - -[Illustration: 9154] - -They are just as full of gentle trust and child-like confidence and -questions as they can be. - -They get the lunch ready and get into the buggy, and keep thinking of -things they have forgotten, till they get 400 miles from home, and they -sing little pieces of old songs, and won't let the great, horrid man in -charge of the excursion have any lunch when he gets hungry, because they -are hunting for a romantic spot beneath the boughs of a magnificent elm, -while every sane man in the Territory knows that there isn't an elm big -or little, within 1,4321 1/2 miles. - -We went up in the mountains, because we wanted to go where it would be -cool. As a search for a cool resort, this picnic of ours was the most -brilliant success. We kept going up at an angle of forty-five degrees -from the time we left home until we had to get out and walk to keep -warm. We got into one of the upper strata of clouds; and a cold mist -mixed with fragments of ice-cream, and large chunks of hail and misery, -about the size of a burglar-proof safe came gathering over us. Then we -camped in the midst of the mountain storm, and the various ladies -sat down on their feet, and put the lap-robes over them, and looked -reproachfully at me. We hovered around under the buggy, and two or three -little half-grown parasols, and watched the storm. It was a glorious -spectacle to the thinking mind. - -They began to abuse me because I did not make a circus of myself, and -thus drive away the despair and misery of the occasion. They had brought -me along, it seemed, because I was such an amusing little cuss. It made -me a good deal sadder than I would have been otherwise. Here in the -midst of a wild and bitter mountain storm, so thick that you couldn't -see twenty yards away, with nothing to eat but some marble cake soaked -in vinegar, and a piece of cold tongue with a red ant on it, I was -expected to make a hippodrome and negro minstrel show of myself. I burst -into tears, and tried to sit on my feet as the ladies did. I couldn't -do it, so simultaneously and so extemporaneously, as it were, as they -could. I had to take them by sections and sit on them. My feet are not -large, but at the same time I cannot hover over them both at the same -time. - -Dear reader, did you ever sit amidst the silence and solitude of the -mountains and feel the hailstones rolling down your back, melting and -soothing you, and filling your heart with great surging thoughts of the -sweet bye-and-bye, and death, and the grave, and other mirth-provoking -topics? We had now been about two hundred years without food, it seemed -to me, and I mildly suggested that I would like something to eat rather -than die of starvation in the midst of plenty; but the ladies wouldn't -give me so much as a ham handwich to preserve my life. They told me to -smoke if I felt that I must have nourishment, and coldly refused to let -me sample the pickled spiders and cold-pressed flies. - -So in the midst of all this prepared food I had to go out into the -sagebrush and eat raw grasshoppers and grease-wood. - -Bye and bye, when we concluded that we had seen about all the -mountain storm we needed in our business, and didn't pine for any more -hail-stones and dampness, we hitched up again and started home. Then we -got lost. The ladies felt indignant, but I was delighted. I never was -so lost in all my life. When I was asked where I thought I was, I -could cheerfully reply that I didn't know, and that would stop the -conversation for as much as two minutes. - -The beauty of being lost is that you are all the time seeing new -objects. There is a charm of novelty about being lost that one does not -fully understand until he has been there, so to speak. - -When I would say that I didn't know where the road led to that we were -traveling, one of the party would suggest with mingled bitterness and -regret, that we had better turn back. Then I would turn back. I turned -back seventeen times at the request of various members of the party for -whom I had, and still have, the most unbounded respect. - -Finally we got so accustomed to the various objects along this line of -travel, that we pined for a change. Then we drove ahead a little farther -and found the road. It had been there all the time. It is there yet. - -I never had so much fun in all my life. It don't take much to please me, -however. I'm of a cheerful disposition, anyhow. - -Some of the ladies brought home columbines that had been drowned; others -brought home beautiful green mosses with red bugs in them; and others -brought home lichens and ferns and neuralgia. - -I didn't bring anything home. I was glad to get home myself, and know -that I was all there. - -I took the lunch basket and examined it. It looked sick and unhappy. -At first I thought I would pick the red ants out of the lunch; then I -thought it would save time to pick the lunch out of the red ants; but -finally I thought I would compromise, by throwing the whole thing into -the alley. - -I am now preparing a work to be called the "Pick Nicker's Guide; or -Starvation Made Easy and Even Desirable!" It will supply a want long -felt, and will be within the reach of all. - - - - -THE VETERAN WHO DIED WHILE GETTING HIS PENSION. - - -|Many years ago, when business in my office was not very rushing, and -time hung heavy on my hands, before I had attempted journalism, and no -dream of my present dazzling literary success had entered my mind, -I rashly offered to assist applicants for pensions in attracting the -attention of the general government, at so much per head. - -One hot day in July while I sat in my office killing flies with an -elastic band and wondering if my mines would ever be quoted in the -market, a middle-aged man came in and, spitting calmly into the -porcelain cuspidore, began to tell me about his service as a soldier, -and how he was wounded, and wished to secure a pension. - -He said that several attorneys had already tried to procure one for him, -but had failed to do so, giving up in despair. I examined the wound, -which consisted of a large hole in the skull, caused by a gun-shot -wound. He was almost entirely prevented by this wound from obtaining a -livelihood, because he was liable at any moment to fall insensible to -the ground, as the result of exercise or work. I told him that I would -snatch a few moments from my arduous duties and proceed to do as he -requested me. - -Then I began a very brisk correspondence with the Interior Department. -I would write to the Commissioner of Pensions in my vivacious but firm -manner and he would send me back a humorous little circular showing -me that I had been too hasty and premature. I never got mad or forgot -myself but began a little farther back in the history of the world, and -gradually led up to the war of the rebellion. - -In reply the Commissioner would write back to me that my chronological -table was at fault and I would cheerfully correct the error and proceed. - -At this time, however, my client became a little despondent, several -years having elapsed since we began our task. So to my other labors I -had to add that of cheering up the applicant. - -Time dragged its slow length along. Months succeeded months and the -years sped on. - -The Interior Department never forgot me. Every little while I would -get a printed circular boiling over with mirth and filled with the -most delightful conundrums relative to the late unpleasantness. These -conundrums I would have my client answer and swear to every time, -although I could see that he was failing mentally and physically. He -would come into my office almost every day, and silently raise his right -hand and with uncovered head stand there in a reverent attitude for me -to swear him to something. Sometimes I had nothing for him to swear to, -and then I would make him take the oath of allegiance and send him away. -I wanted to keep him loyal if I could, whether he got his pension or -not. - -The last work had been nearly completed, and the claim had been turned -over to the Surgeon-General's office, when the applicant yielded to the -crumbling effect of relentless time, and took to his bed. - -It was a sad moment for me. I could not keep back the silent tears when -I saw the old man lying there so still and so helpless, and remembered -how rosy, and strong, and happy he looked years and years ago, when he -first asked me to apply for his pension. - -I wrote the Department that if the claims could be passed upon soon, -I would keep my client up on stimulants a short time, but that he was -failing fast. Then I went to the bedside of the old man, and watched him -tenderly. - -When he saw me come into his room, although he could not talk any more, -he would feebly raise his right hand, and I would swear him to support -the Constitution of the United States, and then he would be easier. -It seemed to me like a ghastly joke for the old man to swear he would -support the Constitution of the United States, when he couldn't begin to -support his own constitution; but I never mentioned it to him. - -At last the blow fell. The Surgeon-General wrote me that owing to the -lack of clerical aid in that office, and a failure of Congress to make -any appropriation for that purpose, he was behind hand, and could not -possibly reach the claim referred to before the close of the following -year. - -Then the old man passed into the great untried realm of the hereafter. -But he was prepared. - -With the aid of the government, I had given him an idea of Eternity and -its vastness, which could not fail to be of priceless benefit to him. - -After the government had used this pension money as long as it needed -it, and was, so to speak, once more on its feet, the money was sent, and -the old man's great-grand-children got it, and purchased a lawn-mower, a -Mexican hairless dog, and some other necessaries of life with it. - -I am now out of the pension business. It is a good thing, for I find -that I am too impatient to attend to it. I am too anxious for tangible -results in the near future. My desire to accomplish anything speedily is -too violent and too previous. - - - - -GINGERBREAD POEMS AND COLD PICKLED FACTS. - - -|In an old number of _Harper's Magazine_, will be found a little poem -upon the subject of Joseph, the chief of the Nez Perces. There is a kind -of mellow and subdued heroic light cast over the final defeat of -this great North American horse thief, which is in perfectly pleasing -harniony with the New England idea of the noble unlettered relic of a -defunct race. This soft-voiced poet, who probably knows about as much of -the true occidental pig-stealer, as the latter does about the Electoral -College, starts out this little brass-mounted epic in the following -elegant style of prevarication:= - -```From the northern desolation, - -```Comes the cry of exultation, - -``It has ended--he has yielded, and the stubborn fight won. - -```Let the nation in its glory, - -```Bow with shame before the story - -``Of the hero it has ruined, and the evil it has done.= - -It is too true that here in the wild West people haven't the advantages -that are accorded to the East, and in our uncouth ignorance, and meager -facilities for obtaining information, we are, no doubt, too prone to -ascribe to the hostile inebriate of the plains a character which -does not compare very favorably with the boss hero in the poem hereto -attached, and marked "Exhibit A." But the people on the frontier should -not set themselves up to judge what they know nothing of. Why should -frontiersmen, without colleges, without observatories, without -telescopes, or logarithms, or protoplasms, or spectroscopes, or -heliotropes, how should they, I ask, who can lay no claim to anything -but that they are poor, unsophisticated, grasshopper sufferers; with -nothing to refer to but the naked facts--the ruins of their desolated -homes, and the ghastly, mutilated corpses of their wives and -children--try to compete with the venerable philosophers who live -where the Patent Office reports are made, and within the shadow of -the building in which the _Illustrated Police Gazette_ and other such -reliable authorities have their birth, and in which are illustrated with -graphic skill, the Indian raids of the border, using the same old cut -which is taken from the "Death of Captain Cook," to illustrate every -Indian outbreak from Nebraska to Oregon. - -Is it nothing forsooth for a nomadic race of buffalo slayers and maple -sugar makers and cranberry pickers to rise from the dust and learn to -love the wise institutions of a free government? To lay aside the -old hickory bow of the original red man and take up the improved -breech-loader? To take kindly to mixed drinks and Sabbath school picnics -and temperance lectures and base-ball matches? To live contentedly about -the agencies, playing poker for the whiskies during the cold and cruel -winter? Then when the glad song of the robin awakes the echoes in -spring, and the air is filled with a thousand nameless odors, among -which may be detected the balmy breath of the government sock, to -hie him away to the valleys with his fishing rod and flies (and other -curious insects), or to spend the glorious days of midsummer at the -camp-meeting or the horse-race? We can never know how his poor heart -must burn to kick off his box-toed boots and throw aside his dress coat -and suspenders, and gallop over the green hills and kick up his heels -and whoop and yell, and tear out the tongues of a few white women and be -sociable. - -They are indeed the nation's wards, a little frisky and playful at -times, to be sure, but we must overlook that. There can be no reason nor -justice in forbidding these freeborn descendants of these mighty races -the inalienable right to lock up their front doors at the agency and -put the key in their pockets, and light out, if they wish to, across -the country, spreading gory desolation along their trail, eating the -farmers' hard earned store, pillaging his home, murdering his household, -burning his crops, riding their war horses over his watermelon vines, -eating his winter preserves, scalping the hired man and wearing away the -farmer's red-flannel undershirt wrong side to, and wrong side up if they -want to. And if any ignorant upstart of the frontier, who feels a little -sore over the loss of his family, undertakes to defraud these wild, free -sons of the forest of any or all of their rights, let the lop-eared, -slab-sided, knock-kneed, crosseyed, spavined, lantern-jawed, -sway-backed, mangy, flannelmouthed poet of the educated and refined East -write poetry about him till he is glad to apologize. - - - - -ORIGIN OF BEAUTIFUL SNOW, - - -|The following letter is from Captain Jack relative to the expedition -under his charge, sent out for the purpose of bringing in the murdering -group of Utes, against whom the government seems to maintain a feeling, -it not of enmity, at least of coolness, and perhaps unfriendliness. - -The Indian is not generally supposed to be a humorist, or inclined to be -facetious; but the letter below would seem to indicate that there is, at -the least, a kind of grim, rough, uncouth attempt on his part to make a -paragrapher of himself. - -I am not at liberty to give my reasons to the public for the publication -of this letter; nor even the manner of securing it. Those to whom my -word has been passed relative to a strict secrecy on my part in the -above connection, shall not be betrayed. Friends who know me are aware -that my word is as good as my bond, and even better than my promissory -note. - -On the Wing, February 1, 1880. - -Dear Sir:--I have a little leisure in which to write of our journey, and -will dictate this letter to an amanuensis. [Amanuensis is a Ute word; -but you will understand it in this connection. It does not mean anything -wrong.] - -We find much snow through the mountains, which impedes our progress very -materially. We crossed a canyon yesterday where there was a good deal. -I should think there might be 1,500 feet in depth of it. It filled the -canyon up full, and bulged up ten or fifteen feet above the sides. I -composed a short poem about it. I knew that it was wrong to do so; but -almost every one else has composed a poem on the beautiful snow, then -why should I, although I have not taken out my naturalization papers, be -denied the sweet solace of song? I said:= - -````O drifted whiteness covering` - -```The fair face of nature, - -````Pure as the sigh of a blessed spirit` - -```On the eternal shores, you` - -```Glitter in the summer sun` - -```Considerable. My mortal` - -```Ken seems weak and` - -```Helpless in the midst of` - -```Your dazzling splendor, - -````And I would hide my` - -```Diminished head like` - -```Serf unclothed in presence` - -```Of his mighty King.= - -`````You lie engulphed` - -```Within the cold embrace` - -```Of rocky walls and giant` - -```Cliffs. You spread out` - -```Your white mantle and` - -```Enwrap the whole broad` - -```Universe, and a portion` - -```Of York State.= - -`````You seem content,` - -```Resting in silent whiteness` - -```On the frozen breast of` - -```The cold, dead earth. You` - -```Think apparently that` - -```You are middling white;` - -```But once I was in the` - -```Same condition. I was` - -```Pure as the beautiful snow,` - -```But I fell. It was a` - -```Right smart fall, too. - -````It churned me up a` - -```Good deal and nearly` - -```Knocked the supreme` - -```Duplex from its intellectual` - -```Throne. It occurred in` - -```Washington, D. C. - -`````But thou - -````Snow, lying so spotless` - -```On the frozen earth, as` - -```I remarked before, thou` - -```Hast indeed a soft, - -````Soft thing. Thou comest` - -```Down like the silent` - -```Movements of a specter,` - -```And thy fall upon the` - -```Earth is like the tread` - -```Of those who walk the` - -```Shores of immortality. - -````You lie around all` - -```Winter drawing your` - -```Annuities till spring, - -````And then the soft` - -```Breath from the south with` - -```Touch seductive bids you` - -```Go, and you light out` - -```With more or less alacrity.= - -`````Then rest, O snow, - -````Where thou hast settled` - -```Down, secure in conscious` - -```Purity. Avoid so far as` - -```Possible the capital of` - -```A republic, and the` - -```Blessing of yours truly` - -```Will settle down upon` - -```You like--like--a` - -```Hired man.= - -There are, no doubt, some little irregularities about this poem, but I -scratched it off one night in camp when my chilblains were hurting me -and itching so that I had to write a poem or swear a good deal. - -We have not seen anything as yet to shoot at. - -That is, of course, I refer to what we came here for. I shot at what -I thought to be Douglas the other day, but it turned out to be an old -Indian who was out skirmishing around after cotton-tails for his -dinner. I snuffed his light out, however. By this time he is chasing -cotton-tails in a better, brighter sphere, where the wicked cease from -troubling and life is one prolonged Fourth of July. Occasionally we see -a squaw and shoot her just for practice. I am getting so I'm pretty good -on a wheel and fire. - -Douglas ought to be easy to indentify, however, at a great distance, -for his features are peculiar. He has a large nose. It is like a premium -summer squash, only larger. I don't think I ever saw such a wealth of -nose as his. Napoleon used to say that a large nose is indicative of -strong character. According to this rule, Douglas must have a character -stronger than an eight-mule team. - -We start out early to-morrow and hope to bag something, but cannot tell -how we will make it. I will report as soon as I get to where there is a -telegraph. I do not allow any reporters along with me. A great many -of them wanted to go along with me for the excitement. I told them, -however, that I could furnish the press with such reports as I saw fit -to furnish, and I did not want to take a young man away from the haunts -of civilization and waltz him around among the hills of Colorado, for -it isn't so much of a success as an editorial picnic after all. I often -wish that I could run down to dinner as I did at Washington and eat -all I need. I also yearn for the hot Scotch and the spiced rum of -the pale-face, and the Scotch plaid lemon pie, and the indestructible -blanc-mange, and the buckwheat cakes like door-mats that I got at -Washington. - -But I must attend to the business of the Great Father, and prepare -the remains which he requires for his grand Indian funeral. Till then, -adieu. Jack. - - - - -UTE ELOQUENCE. - -(SPEECH OF OLD MAN COLOROW AT AN OLD SETTLER'S REUNION IN NORTH PARK, -COLORADO.) - - -|The following short oration, delivered by Colorow in the North Park, I -send in as a sort of companion-piece to the letter written by Jack, and -given in this work. Few people actually know the true spirit of Greek -and Roman oratory that still lingers about the remnants of this people, -now nearly driven from the face of the earth. I have never seen this -speech in print, and I give it so that the youth of the nineteenth -century may commit it to memory, and declaim it on the regular public -school speech day. - -"Mr. Chairman, Ladies and Gentlemen:--Warriors, we are but a little band -of American citizens, encircled by a horde of pale-faced usurpers. - -"Where years agone, in primeval forests, the swift foot of the young -Indian followed the deer through shimmering light beneath the broad -boughs of the spreading tree, the white man, in his light summer suit, -with his pale-faced squaw, is playing croquet; and we stand idly by and -allow it. - -"Where erst the hum of the arrow, as it sped to its mark, was heard -upon the summer air; and the panting hunter in bosky dell, quenched his -parched lips at the bubbling spring, the white man has erected a huge -wigwam, and enclosed the spring, and people from the land of the rising -sun come to gain their health, and the vigor of their youth. Men come to -this place and limp around in the haunts of the red man with crutches, -and cork legs, and liver pads. - -"Things are not precisely as they formerly were. They have changed. -There seems to be a new administration. We are not apparently in the -ascendancy to any great extent. - -"Above the hallowed graves of our ancestors the buck-wheater hoes the -cross-eyed potato, and mashes the immortal soul out of the speckled -sqursh-bug. The sacred dust of our forefathers is nourishing the roots -of the Siberian crab apple tree, and the early Scandinavian turnip. - -"Our sun is set. Our race is run. We had better select a small hole in -the earth into which we may crawl and then draw it in after us, and tuck -it carefully about us. - -"These mountains are ours. These plains are ours. Ours through all time -to come. We need them in our business. The wail of departed spirits is -on the winds that blow over this wide free land. The tears of departed -heroes of our people fall in the rain drops, for their land is given -away. To-day I look upon the sad wreck of a great people, and I ask -you to go with me, and with our united hearts' blood win back the fair -domain. Let two or three able-bodied warriors follow me and hold my -coat while I mash' the white-livered snipe off the lowlands beyond -recognition. - -"Let us steal in upon the frontier while the regular-army has gone to -his dinner and get a few Caucasians for breakfast. - -"Arise, ye Goths, and glut your ire." [Applause.] - - - - -THE AGED INDIAN'S LAMENT. - -[copyrighted: all rights reserved.] - - -|Warriors, I am an aged hemlock. The mountain-winds sigh among my -withered limbs. A few more suns and I shall fall amid the solemn hush of -the forest, and my place will be vacant. I shall tread the walks of the -happy hunting grounds, and sing glad hallelujahs where the worm dieth -not and the fire-water is not quenched. - -"Once I was the pride of my tribe and the swift-foot of the prairie. I -stood with my brethren like the towering oak, and my prowess was known -throughout my nation. Now I bow to the wintry blast and hump myself with -a vigorous and unanimous hump. My eagle-eye is dimmed. The fleetness of -my limbs is gone. The vigor of my youth is past. I do not shout now to -my warriors, for the cliffs and rocks refuse to answer back my cry, and -it sinks away like the sad moan of the low-grade refractory mule. - -"When my brethren go forth to shoot the swift-footed ranchman as -he gambols on the hill-sides, I cower above the camp-fire and rub -mutton-tallow on my favorite chilblain through the still watches of the -night. - -"Warriors, I yearn for immortality. The White Father has said that -over yonder the life is one of uninterrupted editorial excursions. No -inflammatory rheumatism can ever enter there. - -"I want to be a copper-colored angel and out-fly the boss angel of the -entire outfit. I want to see Pocahontas and other great men who have -clomb the golden stair. I want something to eat, so as to surprise my -stomach. I want a long period of rest and soul-destroying inactivity. - -"Warriors, my sun is set. I have lost my grip. My features are sharpened -by age, and one by one my white teeth have resigned till but two are -left, and they do not seem to mash by an overwhelming majority. I cannot -masticate buffalo tripe or even relish my tarantula on toast as I once -could. - -"My twilight is fading into evening, and the day is gone. I hear the -crickets chirp in the dead grass and I know that the night is at hand. -Far away upon the gentle winds I hear the soft cooing of the Colorado -tom-cat, and the thump of the stove lid as it misses the cat and strikes -with a hollow, mournful sound against the corral. A few more moons and -you will meet, but you will miss me. There will be one vacant chair. - -"The veal-cutlet and the watermelon of the pale-face hold out no -inducements to me. The circus and the icecream festival will miss me, -for I shall be far away in the ether-blue, where the wicked cease -from troubling and the weary are at rest. I shall be revelling in more -eternal rest than I know what to do with. - -"Farewell, my warriors. Make my humble grave low in the valley where the -wild columbine and the Rocky Mountain flea can clamber over my last -resting place, and carve upon the slab above my head the name of -Minneconjo-presipitatenuxqonicatahskunkahcoquipahhahamazanpah -kahconkaska. The-cross-eyed-caterpillar-who-walks-on-his-hind-legs-and -howls-like-the-pale-face-pappoose-who-adver-tises-to-hold-down-the -blonde-bumble-bee." - - - - -HOW A MINING STAMPEDE BREAKS OUT. - - -|Dear reader, shall I give you a few symptoms of the mining epidemic in -Mountain towns? All right. I will anyhow! - -Symptom 1.--A long-haired man is seen pounding up a piece of quartz -about the size of a man's hand. - -Symptom 2.--Two men meander up to him and ask him where he got it. - -Symptom 3.--The long-haired man looks down into the mortar, and lies -gently to the inquiring minds who linger near. - -Symptom 4.--More men come around. The long-haired man gets a gold-pan -and doubles himself up over the ditch and begins to pan. - -Symptom 5.--Two hundred more men come out of saloons and other -mercantile establishments and join the throng. - -Symptom 6.--The long-haired man gets down to black sand, and shows -several colors about the size of a blue-jay's ear. - -Symptom 7 times.--Several solitary horsemen start out, with some -pack-mules, and blank location notices, and valley tan. The plot -deepens. The telegraph gets red-hot. Men who have been impecunious, for -lo, these many years, come around to pay some old bills. Poor men buy -spotted dogs and gold-headed canes. Stingy men get reckless, and buy the -first box of strawberries without asking the price. - -I have caught the epidemic myself. - -I am getting reckless. Instead of turning my last summer lavender pants -hind side before, and removing the ham sandwich lithograph on the front -breadths, I have purchased a new pair. - -I never experienced such a wild, glad feeling of perfect abandon. - -I go to church and chip in for the heathen, perfectly regardless of -expense. If Zion languishes, I come forward and throw in the small -currency with a lavish hand. - -Banks, offices, hotels, saloons and private residences show specimens of -quartz carrying free gold and carbonates, hard, soft, and medium soft, -with iron protoxide of nitrogen, rhombohedral glucose indications of -valedictory and free milling oxide of anti-fat in abundance. - -Nellis, who lives near the Mill Creek carbonate claims, came in to town -the other day to get an injunction against the miners, so that he could -injunct them from prospecting in his cellar, and staking his pie-plant -bed. - -When he goes out after dark to drive the cow out of his turnip patch, he -falls over a stake every little while, with a notice tacked on it, which -sets forth that the undersigned, viz., Johnny Comelately, Joe Newbegin, -Shoo Fly Smith, and Union Forever Dandelion claim 1,500 feet in length, -by 600 feet in width for mineral purposes on this claim, to be known as -"The Gal with the skim-milk Eye," together with all dips, spurs, angles -or variations, gold, silver, or other precious metals therein contained. - -Mr. Nellis says he is glad to see a "boom," and at first he did all he -could to make it pleasant for prospectors; but lately he thinks that -their sociability has become too earnest and too simultaneous. - -I told him that the only way I could see to avoid losing his grip, and -having his string-beans dug up prematurely, was to stake the entire -ranche as a placer claim, buy him a Gatling gun that would shoot the -large size of buckshot, and then trust in the mysterious movements of an -overruling Providence. - -I do not know whether he took my advice or not; but I am looking -anxiously along the Mill-Creek road every day, for a six mule team -loaded with disorganized remains, and driven by a man who looks as -though he had glutted his vengeance, and had two or three gluts left -over on his hands. - - - - -THE GREAT ROCKY MOUNTAIN REUNION OF YALLER DOGS. - - -|Secretary Spates, the silver-tongued orator and gilt-edged mouth organ -of Wyoming, acting general superintendent and governor extraordinary of -Wyoming, expressed a wish the other day for a dog. He had a light yellow -cane, and wanted a dog to match. He said that he wanted something to -love. If he could wake up in the stillness of the night and hear his -faithful dog fighting fleas, and licking his chops, and coughing, he -(the secretary) would feel as though he was loved, at least? by one. -Some friends thought it would be a pleasant thing to surprise Mr. Spates -with a dog. So they procured a duplicate key to his room and organized -themselves into a dog vigilance committee. There were several yellow -dogs around Cheyenne that were not in use, and their owners consented to -part with them and try to control their grief while they worried along -from day to day without them. These dogs were collected and placed in -the secretary's room. - -Throwing a heterogeneous mass of dogs together in that way, and all -of them total strangers to each other, in the natural course of things -creates something of a disturbance, and that was the result in this -case. When the secretary arrived, the dogs were holding a session with -closed doors. The presiding officer had lost control, and a surging -crowd of yellow dogs had the floor. Only one dog was excepted. He was -struggling with all his strength against the most collossal attack of -colic that ever convulsed a pale, yellow dog. Just as he would get to -feeling kind of comfortable, a spasm would catch him on the starboard -quarter and his back would hump itself like a 1,000-legged worm, and -with such force as to thump the floor with the stumpy tail of the -demoralized dog and jar the bric-a-brac on the brackets and what-nots of -the Secretary of Wyoming Territory. - -Just then the secretary arrived. He was whistling a trill or two from -the "Turkish Patrol," when he got within earshot of the convention. -Several people met him and asked him what was going on up in his room. -The secretary blushed and said he guessed there was nothing out of -character, and wondered if someone was putting up a Conkling story on -him, to kill a Spates boom. - -When he got to the door and went in, thirty-seven dogs ran between his -legs? and went out the door with a good deal of intensity. More of them -would have run between the secretary's legs, but they couldn't all make -it. - -Mr. Spates was mad. He felt hurt and grieved. The dogs had jumped on the -bed and torn the pillow shams into minute bandages, and wiped their feet -on the coverlid. They had licked the blacking off his boots, and eaten -his toilet soap. One of them had tried on the secretary's dressing gown; -but it was not large enough, and he had taken it off in a good deal of a -hurry. - -Long after it was supposed that the last dog had gone out, yellow dogs, -of different degrees of yellowishness, and moving in irregular orbits, -would be thrown from the secretary's room with great force. Some of them -were killed, while others were painfully injured. It is said that there -are fewer yellow dogs in Cheyenne now than there used to be, and those -that are there are more subdued, and reserved, and taciturn, and skinned -on the back, than they used to be; while the secretary has a far-away -look in his eye, like a man who has trusted humanity once too often, and -been everlastingly and unanimously left. - - - - -WHAT WOMAN'S SUFFRAGE HAS DONE FOR WYOMING. - -SOME TESTIMONIALS, AND ONE THING AND ANOTHER. - - -|The managing editor of a Boston paper, is getting material together -relative to the practical workings of Woman's Suffrage, and as Wyoming -is at present working a scheme of that kind, he wants an answer to the -following questions: - -1. --Has it been of real benefit to the Territory? - -2. --If so, what has it accomplished? - -3. --How does it affect education, morals, courts, &c.? - -4. --What proportion of the women vote? - -ANSWERS. - -1. --Yes, it has indeed been of real benefit to the Territory in many -ways. - -[Illustration: 9176] - -Until woman's suffrage came among us, life was a drag--a monotonous -sameness, and simultaneous continuousness. Now it is not that way. -Woman comes forward with her ballot, and puts new life into the flagging -energies of the great political circles. She purifies the political -atmosphere, and comes to the polls with her suffrage done up in a little -wad, and rammed down into her glove, and redeems the country. - -2. --It has accomplished more than the great outside world wots of. -Philosophers and statesmen may think that they wot; but they don't. Not -a wot. - -To others outside of Wyoming, woman's suffrage is a mellow dream; but -here it is a continuous, mellow, yielding reality. We know what we are -talking about. We are acquainted with a lady who came here with the -light of immortality shining in her eye, and the music of the spheres -was singing in her ears. She was apparently on her last limbs, if we -may be allowed that expression. But woman's suffrage came to her with -healing on its wings, and the rose of health again bloomed on her cheek, -and her appetite came back like the famine in Ireland. Now she wrestles -with the cast-iron majolica ware of the kitchen during the day, and in -the evening works a cross-eyed elephant on a burlaps tidy, and talks -about the remonetization of the currency. - -Without attempting to answer the last two questions in a short article -like this, we will simply give a few certificates and testimonials of -those who have tried it: - -Prairie-Dog Ranche, Jan. 3, 1880. - -"_Dear Sir_: I take great pleasure in bearing testimony to the efficacy -of woman's suffrage. It is indeed a boon to thousands. I was troubled -in the east beyond measure with an ingrowing nail on the most extensive -toe. It caused me great pain and annoyance. I was compelled to do my -work wearing an old gum overshoe of my husband's. Since using woman's -suffrage only a few months, my toe is entirely well, and I now wear my -husband's fine boots with perfect ease. As a remedy for ingrowing nails -I can safely recommend the woman's suffrage. - -"Sassafras Oleson." - -Miner's Delight, Jan 23, 1880. - -"_Deer Sur_: Two year ago mi waife fell down into a nold sellar and -droav her varyloid through the Sarah bellum. I thot she was a Gonner. I -woz then livin' in the sou west potion of Injeanny. I moved to where i -now am leaving sevral onsettled accounts where i lived. But i wood do -almost anything to recover mi waifs helth. She tried Woman's Suffrins -and can now lick me with 1 hand tied behind hur. i o everything to the -free yuse of the femail ballot. So good bi. at Present - -"Union Forever McGilligin." - -Rawhide, Feb. 2, 1880. - -"_Dear Sir_: I came to Wyoming one year ago to-day. At that time I only -weighed 153 pounds and felt all the time as though I might die. I was a -walking skeleton. Coyotes followed me when I went away from the house. - -"My husband told me to try Woman's Suffrage. I did so. I have now run up -to my old weight of 213 pounds, and I feel that with the proper care and -rest, and rich wholesome diet, I mav be spared to my husband and family -till next spring. - -"I am now joyful and happy. I go about my work all day singing Old Zip -Coon and other plaintive melodies. After using Woman's Suffrage two days -I sat up in a rocking chair and ate one and three-fourths mince pies. -Then I worried down a sugar-cured ham and have been gaining ever since. - -"Ah! it is a pleasant thing to come back to life and its joys again. - -"Yours truly, Ethel Lillian Kersikes." - - - - -PORTUGUESE WITHOUT A MASTER. - - -|I am spending my leisure moments these days studying the Portuguese -language. - -It is not very generally used, it is true, but I might meet a Portuguese -some day who wanted to hold a conversation with me very much, and I -would feel more at ease if I could speak the language with elegance and -precision. - -I am working at the task silently and earnestly without a master, and -I am sometimes a little mystified by the startling and original -exhibitions of imported syntax and etymology as shown in the English -translations given in the book which I am studying. It is a kind of -Portuguese primer, designed and constructed by Jose De Fonseca and Pedro -Carolino, and although the Portuguese part of it seems to be all right, -I am at times a little annoyed at the novel arrangement of the English -translations. - -The authors in their preface seem to convey the impression that other -compilers and writers who have attempted this thing have not seemed to -meet the demands of the times, but Messrs. Fonseca & Carolino intimate -that they have supplied a want long felt, and they seem tickled almost -to death over the fact that they have the bulge on their predecessors. -In their apparently modest way they say: - -"The works which we are conferring for this labor found use us for -nothing, but those who were publishing to Portugal or out, they were -most all composed for some foreign or some national, acquainted in the -spirit of both languages. It was resulting from that carelessness to -rest these works fill of imperfections, and anomalies of style, and -idiotisms, for this language in spite of the infinite typographical -faults which sometimes invert the sense of the periods." - -Parties who have become cloyed with the spicy fragrance of "Fifteen" -might find pleasing diversion in the foregoing sentence. It is quaint -and unique in its style, and although I consider it perfectly original, -I am led to believe that there are little poetic gems from Walt Whitman -in it. - -Further on the authors in poetic prose say: - -"We expect them, who the little book (for the care what we wrote him and -for her typographical perfection) that may be worth the acceptation of -the studious persons and especially of the youth at which we dedicate -him particularly." - -Ah, how well those dark-eyed dwellers in perpetual summer know how to -inspire even the dull and commonplace sentences of a preface with a -living, breathing soul! How the threadbare language of apology and -modest braggadocio used by the hesitating but puffed up author ever -since the first work published by Moses, is made to submit to the -tropical influence of sunny Portugal, and comes forth breathing the -seductive odors of that glad clime where the poet's song of undying love -to the dark-eyed maid is ever throbbing in passionate pulsations upon -the perfumed air. - -But I must give a Portuguese translation rendered back into English, of -the well known anecdote told on the physician who didn't take his own -medicine: - -"A physician eighty years of age, had enjoyed of a health unalterable. -Their friends did him of it compliments every days. 'Mister Doctor,' -they said to him, 'you are admirable man. What you make then for to bear -as well?' 'I will tell you it, gentlemen,' he was answered them, 'and I -exhort you in same time at to follow my example. I live of the product -of my ordering without take any remedy who I command to my sicks.'" - -One fault with American wit, in my estimation, is its coarseness and -lack of polish. I have mentioned it a great many times and wept over it -in extreme sorrow. Here, however, we have it down fine. The Portuguese -joke is no doubt the most mirth provoking, and at the same time the -most refined and delicate joke now made. We send our manufactures to all -foreign countries to successfully compete with theirs; but our joke can -never hold up its head and ask for the award or bronze medal where these -Portuguese rib-ticklers and button-hole busters and suspender wrenchers -are allowed to compete for the free for-all prizes. The Portuguese joke -with facings of same held in place with bias folds of something else, -is really the most _recherche_ joke now on the market. Americans may for -years to come be able to furnish a good, fair, stoga joke that will do -to stub around home with, but they cannot design a joke that will do -to dress up in and wear on great occasions. The low-neck, Oxford-tie, -Portuguese burst of humor, hand-sewed, with sole leather counter and -steel shank, and with the name of the author blown in the bottle, is -bound to command the highest market price for a century or more to come. - -We may command the smoking car and Congress trade, but Portugal must -furnish the easy riding, gentle, picnic and croquet joke. It may be also -fed to invalids with a spoon. A friend of mine who had been sick for -nine years took a Portuguese joke that I gave him right out of the can -without diluting it, and by that means gradually led up to fricasseed -oat-meal gruel stuffed with sawdust and other rich dishes. It saved -his life, but his intellect is impaired so that he don't know a calcium -light from the splendor of the New Jerusalem. - - - - -THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN HOG. - - -|In speaking of the domestic and useful animals of Laramie, it would not -be right to overlook the hog. I do not allude to him as useful at all, -but he is very domestic. He is more so than the people seem to demand. I -never saw hogs with such a strong domestic tendency as the Laramie hogs -have. They have a deep and abiding love for home, all of them, and they -don't care whose home it is either. - -There is a tremendous pressure of hog to the square inch here. The town -is filled with homeless, unhappy and starving hogs. - -[Illustration: 9182] - -They run between your legs during the day, and stand in your front yard -and squeal during the night. Most of them are orphans. When Thanksgiving -comes it will bring no joy to them. It will be like any other day. - -About all the fun they have is to root a gate off the hinges, and then -run off with a table cloth in their mouths. We should not be too severe, -however, on the hog. What means has he of knowing that there is a city -ordinance against his running about town? Kind reader, do you think the -innocent little hog would openly violate a law of the land if he knew of -its existence? Certainly not. It is pardonable ignorance on the part of -the hog, the same as it is with the Indian, which causes him to break -over the statutes and ordinances of his country. - -Our plan, therefore, is to _civilize the hog_. Build churches and school -houses for him. Educate him and teach him the ways of industry. Put a -spade and a plow at his disposal, and teach him to till the soil. The -natural impulses of the hog are good, but he has been imposed upon by -dishonest white men. - -Long before man came with his modern appliances, the hog was here. He -owned the land and used it to raise acorns and grub-worms on. But the -white man has entered on the fair domain, and, regardless of his solemn -treaties, has taken this land and asks that the hog, the original owner -of the soil, shall be penned up in a little reservation ten feet by -twelve, made of cheap pine slabs. - -Every principle of right, and justice, and equity, and humanity cries -out against this tyrannical action on the part of the white man. Men who -would scorn to do a dishonorable act, ordinarily, snatch the broad lands -that were formerly owned by the hog, away from him, and deliberately go -to raising wheat on them. This is not right. We should remember that the -hog has certain rights which we are bound to respect. - -Did you ever stop to think, dear reader, that the hog of the present -day is but a poor, degraded specimen of the true aboriginal hog, before -civilization had encroached upon him? Then do not join the popular cry -against him. Once he was pure as the beautiful snow. - - - - -THE BUCKNESS WHEREWITH THE BUCK BEER BUCKETH. - - -|Buck beer is demoralizing in its tendency when it moveth itself aright. -It layeth hold of the intellect and twisteth it out of shape. - -My son, go not with them who go to seek buck beer, for at the last -it stingeth like the brocaded hornet with the red-hot narrative, and -kicketh like the choleric mule. - -Who hath woe? Who hath babbling? Who hath redness of eyes? He that goeth -to seek the schooner of buck beer. - -Who hath sorrow? Who striveth when the middle watch of the night hath -come, to wind up the clock with the 15 puzzle. - -He that kicketh against the buck beer and getteth left. - -Verily, the buckness of the buck beer bucketh with a mighty buck, -insomuch that the buckee riseth at the noon hour with a head that -compasseth the town round about, and the swellness thereof waxeth more -and more, even from Dan to Beer--sheba. (Current joke in the Holy Land.) - -Who clamoreth with a loud voice and saith, verily, am not I a bad man? -Who is he that walketh unsteadily and singeth unto himself, "The bright -angels are waiting for me?" Who wotteth not even a fractional wot, but -setteth his chronometer with the wooden watch of the watchmaker, and by -means of a tooth-brush? - -Go to. Is it not he who bangeth his intellect ferninst the bock beer, -even unto the eleventh hour? - - - - -BILLIOUS NYE AND THE AMATEUR STAGE. - - -|A great portion of my time at present is taken up in preparations for -my appearance in a few weeks on the amateur stage. - -Excursion trains will run from Denver on this occasion, and no pains -will be spared to make the grand spectacular hoo-doo one long to be -remembered. - -Whenever any society or association desires to make a few thousand -dollars for the relief of knock-kneed Piutes, or to purchase liver-pads -for impecunious Senegambians, it only has to advertise that I am to -appear on the amateur stage in a heavy part. - -I am not a brilliant success in the "Say-wilt-be-mine" part. Just as I -get the heroine up close to me near the footlights, and begin to hug her -a little as I would at home, and I temporarily forget that a thousand -eyes are upon me, it comes over me that my wife is in the audience and -does not seem to enjoy the play. This throws a large four-dollar gloom -over the entire surroundings, and I seem to lose my grip, so to speak. - -Many years ago when I was young and, as one might say, in the hey-day -of vigorous manhood, and had an appetite like a P. K. Dederick Perpetual -Hay Press, I consented to take a leading part, and although I could -generally worry through a little light comedy, I had not then learned -how rough and uncouth I appeared as the heavy lover. I therefore -consented to hug a beautiful young thing before five hundred people, and -in the full glare of the footlights, whom I would not have dared to wink -at in her father's parlor at midnight, with the lamp turned clear down. - -I have an easy, gliding stage gait that is something between a "pace" -and a "rack." It is full of the very poetry of motion. - -I "racked" up to the heroine at the proper time and told her how I loved -her and how it was tearing me all to pieces, and so forth. Just as I was -coming to the grand flourish, however, I forgot a word, and while I was -thinking that up, the remainder of the speech slowly drifted away to -where I couldn't get at it. - -To add to the general hilarity of the occasion the stage manager, who -was furnishing at that moment some pale blue lightning and distant -thunder, and who happened to be drunk, threw in a heavy snow storm that -should have gone into another piece. - -I stood there waiting and trying to think of my part about thirty years, -I should think. Any way, the snow got knee deep and the heroine excused -herself and went away to warm her feet. She told me to call her up by -telephone when I could think of my piece. - -I thought the audience would be mad and mob me, but it didn't. There -seemed to be general good feeling and harmony all the way through. I -told them that I could not call to mind the exact words of my part, -but if those present would like to hear a little poem that had gone the -rounds of the press a good deal and which I composed myself, entitled -"The Burial of Sir John Moore," I would render it in my own choice and -happy style. - -It is not a humorous poem, but the audience seemed to think it was, for -all the way through from the time the procession started out with Sir -John till he was planted, everybody was tickled nearly to death. - -Now I do not take the part of the leading lover any more. The awkward -young man who carries dead bodies off the stage is good enough for me. - - - - -A JOURNALISTIC CORRECTION. - -OFFICE OF THE MEEK-EYED TARANTULA. - - -|We have, it appears, said something, casually, in our kind-hearted way, -that the sensitive _Slimtown Harmonica_ has taken to heart, and feels -badly over, so we will try, as far as possible, to place ourself in a -correct position. We spoke of the _Harmonica_ in connection with another -subject which we took the liberty to write upon, and did so simply with -the idea of using the _Harmonica_ as a _simile_. We find, however, that -we were wrong. The _Harmonica_ is not a _simile_. On the contrary, it is -a parabola. It is a base, inferior isosceles, and its editor is nothing -but a cosmopolitan hypothenuse; and if he wants to take it up, we may be -found at our office at any time between the hours of A. m. and p. m. We -were wrong in speaking of the Harmonica as a comparison or a _simile_ -but we want it distinctly understood that we know what the _Harmonica_ -and its editor are, and we are not afraid to say so, either. They are -pre-Adamite, vicarious isotherms, and we think that it is time the -people of the west were apprized of that fact too.. - - -BANKRUPT SALE OF LITERARY GEMS. - -OFFICE OF THE MORMON BAZOO. - - -Little boys who are required by their teacher to write compositions at -school can save a great deal of unnecessary worry and anxiety by calling -on the editor of this paper, and glancing over the holiday stock of -second-hand poems and essays. Debating clubs and juvenile lyceums -supplied at a large reduction. The following are a few selections, with -price: - -"Old Age," a poem written in red ink, price ten cents. "The Dog," blank -verse, written on foolscap with a hard pencil, five cents. "Who will -love me all the while?" a tale, price three cents per pound. "Hold me -in your clean white arms," song and dance, by the author of "Beautiful -Snow," price very reasonable; it must be sold. "She ain't no longer -mine, nor I ain't hern," or the sad story of two sundered hearts; spruce -gum and licorice taken in exchange for this piece. "God: his attributes -and peculiarities," will be sold at a cent and a half per pound, or -traded for a tin dipper for the office. Give us a call before purchasing -elsewhere. - -The stock on hand must be disposed of, in order to give place to the new -stock of odes and sonnets on Spring, and contributions on "the violet" -and the "skipful lamb." - - - - -THOUGHTS ON MARRIAGE. - - -|Marriage is, to a man, at once the happiest and saddest event of his -life. He quits all the companions and associations of his youth, and -becomes the chief attraction of a new home. - -[Illustration: 9188] - -Every former tie is loosened, the spring of every hope and action is to -be changed, and yet he flees with joy to the untrodden paths before -him. Then woe to the woman who can blight such joyful anticipations, and -wreck the bright hopes of the trusting, faithful, fragrant, masculine -blossom, and bang his head against the sink, and throw him under the -cooking range, and kick him into a three-cornered mass, and then sit -down on him. Little do women realize that all a man needs under the -broad cerulean dome of heaven is love--and board and clothes. Love is -his life. If some woman or other don't love him, and love him like a -hired man, he pines away and eventually climbs the golden stair. Man is -born with strong yearnings for the unyearnablc, and he does not care -so much for wealth as he does for some one who will love him under all -circumstances and in all conditions. - -If women would spend their evenings at home with their husbands, they -would see a marked change in the brightness of their homes. Too many -sad-eyed men are wearing away their lives at home alone. Would that I -had a pen of fire to write in letters of living light the ignominy -and contumely and--some more things like that, the names of which have -escaped my memory--that are to-day being visited upon my sex. - -Remember that your husband has the most delicate sensibilities, and -keenly feels your coldness and neglect. The former may be remedied by -toasting the feet over a brisk fire before going to bed, but the latter -can only be remedied by a total reform on your part. Think what you -promised his parents when you sued for his hand. Think how his friends, -and several girls to whom he had at different times been engaged, came -to you with tears in their eyes and besought you not to be unkind to -him. Do these things ever occur to you as you throw him over the card -table and mop the floor with his remains? Do you ever feel the twinges -of remorse after you have put an octagonal head on him for not wiping -the dishes drier? Think what a luxurious home you took him from, and -how his mother used to polish his boots and take care of him, and then -consider what drudgery you subject him to now. Think what pain it must -cause him when you growl and swear at him. Perhaps when you went away -to your work you did not leave him wood and coal and water; does he ever -murmur or repine at your neglect? - -Ah, if wives knew the wealth of warm and true affection locked up in the -bosoms of their husbands, and would draw it out, instead of allowing the -hired girl to get all the benefit, what a change there would be in this -earth of ours. But they never do until the companion of their joys and -sorrows has winged his way to the ever-green shore and takes charge -of the heavenly orchestra, and then for about two weeks you will see a -violently red proboscis glimmering and sparkling under a costly black -veil, after which the good qualities of the deceased will be preserved -in alcohol, to be thrown up to No. 2 in the bright days to come. - -Then, in conclusion, wives in Israel and other railroad towns, love your -husbands while it is yet day. Give him your confidence. If your active -corn manifests a wish to leave the reservation, go to your husband with -it. Lean on him. He will be your solid muldoon. He will get an old -wood rasp and make that corn look sick. He is only waiting for your -confidence and your trust. Tell him your business affairs and he will -help you out. He will, no doubt, offer to go without help in the house -in order to economize, and he will think of numberless other little ways -to save money. Do as we have told you and you will never regret it. -Your lives will then be one great combination of rare and beautiful -dissolving views. You will journey down the pathway of your earthly -existence with the easy poetical glide of the fat man who steps on the -treacherous orange peel. Your last days will be surrounded with a halo -of love, and as your eyes get dim with age and one by one your teeth -drop out, you can say with pride that you have never, never gone back on -your solid pard. - - - - -A UTE PRESIDENTIAL CONVENTION. - - -|The presidential conventions of last summer, and their attendant -excitement, personal bitterness, and political sharpness, have called to -my mind an occurrence in the history of a nation, of whose politics and -whose statesmanship the civilized world knows but little. - -Much has been said pro and con relative to the Indian character in -general, and recently, of the Ute nation in particular, but those who -knew the least have been most willing to shed information right and -left, and to beam down upon the great reading world with the effulgence -of the average cultivated lunatic. - -I do not intend at this time to enlarge upon the question of western -intolerance and eastern hero worship, as applied to the Indian nation, -but simply to remark in my own gentle, soothing style, that those who -know the Indian best, have the least respect and veneration for him. - -At some other time I may say something relative to the Indian's home -life, and attempt to show that while he appears in his public career to -great advantage, both as a general and as a statesman, he is prone, -like other great men, to little domestic irregularities. At this -time, however, I intend simply to give some particulars of the great -convention of 1875, which have never been brought to the eye of the -reading public. - -In the autumn of the above year at that delightful season when= - -````The maple turns to crimson, - -````And the sassafras to gold.= - -When the soft and mellow light of the declining year sheds a subdued -splendor of misty, dreamy languor over the snow-clad mountains and -wooded canyons of Colorado, when the deep green of the mountain pine is -darkly outlined against the pale gold of the poplar, and the cottonwood, -and the willow, the chairman of the Republican central committee of the -Ute nation, issued a call for a mammoth convention, to be held at Hot -Sulphur Springs, for the purpose of nominating a candidate for head -chief, to succeed Ula, whose term of office had expired by reason of his -having violated the provisions of his first general order, in which he -had pronounced himself as a champion of civil service reform. - -The day for the grand convention had arrived, and Hot Sulphur Springs -had become, all at once, a lively, bustling city. From every point of -the compass came the wild shouts of the gathering delegates, with their -credentials in one pocket, and their patriotism in pint bottles in the -other. - -The convention was called to order, and effected a permanent -organization by electing Shavano as permanent chairman. - -Shavano rose with stalely gravity, bowed to the assembled convention, -and walked to the platform, escorted by his trainer. He gracefully -removed a quid of partially masticated government plug tobacco, and -laying it carefully on the speaker's desk, said: - -"Warriors of the Ute Nation, and Gentlemen of the Convention: We are -gathered once more amid the solemn silence of the mountains, and under -the dying leaves of the forest, to nominate a candidate to serve as -executive of the Ute nation. - -"Ula, the medicine man for this moon, who had hoped to be here, and who -had his impromptu speech written for this occasion, will not be able to -attend. I had hoped to see him here that he might act as secretary, but -last evening he was shot by request. - -"It seems that he had diagnosed the case of Prairie Dog, the son of -Coyote, and had pronounced it to be membranous croup; but the coroner's -inquest developed the fact that Prairie Dog had climbed the golden -stair, the victim to a can of concentrated lye. - -"A mighty nation, whose numbers are as the sands of the sea, can afford -to let its medicine men fool around with its people and experiment with -them till they meander up the flume, but the Ute nation is not large. It -is a mere handful. We have only enough for a quorum, and we can not -use any of them for scientific experiments. That is why Ula is on -the evergreen shore instead of acting as our secretary to-day. At the -request of the sorrowing friends of Prairie Dog, the medicine man's -license was revoked, and Ula was fixed up for an extempore shot-pouch; -so another person will have to act as your secretary. - -"Warriors, I do not wish to trespass on your time. You have selected me -as your chairman, and I thank you for the honor. - -"We are now a small and powerless nation. Our war-cry is answered by the -hilarious laughter of our foes. Once we were great. Our hunting grounds -were without limit and our villages were as the leaves of the forest. - -"To-day the white man plants his Swedish turnips above the graves of our -ancestors. We are the orphan children of a great people and our sun is -set. - -"Once we were wealthy and powerful. Now we are poor and weak, and our -wives cannot keep a hired girl. - -"Why do the wails of our people echo among the canyons and desolated -villages? - -"Why are we left to mourn the loss of our wild horses and why are our -own hillsides dotted with the locations and prospect holes of the pale -face? - -"Who is at fault that the graves of our fathers are staked as the 'Gilt -Edge,' or the 'Bullion Lode,' or the 'Lucky Sal,' or the 'Calamity -Jane,' or the 'Cross-Eyed Hannah with a Cork Limb?' - -"I charge these woes of our people upon the puerile policy and -fire-water reign of a democratic administration over the nation. -[Deafening cheers.] - -"Warriors and gentlemen of the convention: I have only one more word to -say. I ask that the rotten fabric of the Ula, Bourbon, dyed-in-the-wool -administration be overturned, that peace and prosperity may once more -smile upon us. - -"In conclusion I would ask the further pleasure of the convention." -[Uproarious applause; the audience joining in "Old John Brown he had a -little Injun."] - -A committee on credentials was then selected, consisting of five -members, of which Buffalo Tripe was chairman. - -An adjournment to the following day at 10 A. m. was next taken by the -convention. - -The delegates were formally invited by the proprietor of the Jack Rabbit -house to attend a little social walk-around and select scalp-dance on -the following evening. - -At the appointed hour the convention was called to order by the chair, -and a report from the committee on credentials was called for. - -Buffalo Tripe, on behalf of the committee, submitted the report that -the delegates present were all entitled to seats, except that Dead Man's -canyon had a double delegation. - -The report of the committee on credentials was accepted, and the -committee discharged. The chair then selected a new committee to examine -the two delegations from Dead Man's canon, and instructed it to report -adversely on the drunkest one. - -This was regarded as a victory for the friends of Ouray, the favorite -son from Stray Horse Gulch. - -Nominations then being in order, the Silver-Tongued Cactus Plant from -Middle Park arose majestically and said: - -"Mr. Chairman and gentlemen of the convention: Our people have called -us to do their work around the council fire and name for them a chief. -[Loud cheers.] They look to us to-day for the assurance of their future -prosperity. - -"We stand in the moccasins of mighty men to-day with our tribes. Let us -not betray their confidence. Let us be able to return to our squaws and -pappooses with the smile of the Great Father upon us. [Applause.] It is -a solemn moment for our whole nation, and the silence of a mighty forest -amid the gathering storm is upon us. Mr. Chairman, I have the pleasure -of nominating for our executive, Ouray, the man who never told a lie." -[Thunders of applause and wild demonstrations throughout the entire -wigwam.] - -After the excitement had died away Hohne-pah-Snocke-monthegob, which -in the Ute tongue means the man-with-the-patent-liver-pad, arose, and, -laying aside a chew of tobacco about the size of an early rose potato, -said: - -"Mr. Chairman and delegates of the convention: I wish to put in -nomination to-day Douglas, the amusing little cuss from Stinking Water. -[Cheers.] I nominate him because he is a dark horse. As a candidate he -is extremely brunette. His record is also on that order. I think he will -run, as I may say, like a bay steer in the cucumber-patch. He is the -swift-foot of the prairie, and the Mountain Zephyr of Cheyenne can not -overtake him. He is also intellectual, and has written several little -gems on spring. He is a philosopher, a scholar and a judge of whisky. He -will harmonize the disaffected elements of our tribe, and secure the -German vote. Douglas has a staving war record, and is lazy and shiftless -enough to command the respect and esteem of the entire nation. The -crisis seems to demand a standard-bearer who will meet the cunning of -the pale face with the cunning of the red man, and I therefore make this -nomination in order that I may go to my camp in the Gunnison country -feeling that I have done my duty by calling the attention of my people -to a man who is well calculated to lead us to success. Douglas has -filled almost every position of trust or profit in our nation. He has -held nearly every office within the gift of the people from watermelon -stealer extraordinary up to most supreme bartender of the nation, and -he has never betrayed a trust. I therefore do myself the great honor to -place his name in nomination." [Cheers and bass drum solo.] - -No more names were placed in nomination, and shortly afterward the -convention had declared its preference for Ouray as its candidate. - -He was called upon at his room by a committee and serenaded at the -Jack-Rabbit House by a large band with torchlight procession. - -On being called out, Ouray made a very short speech, as follows: - -"Warriors and Fellow-Citizens of Indian Descent: I thank you for the -honor you have conferred upon me to-day, and promise, if elected, to do -all that I have agreed to do, besides what I may hereafter agree to do. -I hope you will excuse me from making a long speech as I am very much -worn out with my labors in securing this unexpected nomination. I also -have an engagement to speak before the Young Men's Christian Association -to-morrow, and also to address the Pocahontas Lodge of Good Templars the -day following. - -"I am very much overcome with surprise, this nomination having come -entirely unsought, and compelled thus to receive a nomination forced -upon me, together with the mental strain and constant worry necessary on -my part to bring about this gratifying result, you will not be surprised -that I thus abruptly close my remarks and bid you good-night." - -This speech was greeted with round after round of applause, after which -Douglas was called for by his friends. He did not meet with any great -degree of success, for when he undertook to inhale a full breath and -start his speech the friends of the regular nominee would present him -with some antique eggs of the vintage of '49, and Douglas had to adjourn -and rinse his mouth out with government whiskey. This occasioned delay -and annoyance. - -The delegates tripped the light fantastic till toward morning and then -retired. In the afternoon they all arose with a light, maroon taste in -their mouths, told the gentlemanly proprietor of the Jack-Rabbit House -to charge their respective bills to the government, mounted their -horses, and the most harmonious convention known to the world had become -a matter of history. - - - - -THE CLUB-FOOTED LOVER OF PIUTE PASS. - -A TALE OF LOVE AND COLD PIZEN. - - - - -CHAPTER THE FIRST. - - -|Many years ago, when Wyoming was new and infested with the bear, the -bunko-steerer, the buffalo and the bold, bad man, a little circumstance -occurred there which is worthy of notice; and as it has never appeared -in the newspapers, I give it as near as my memory will serve me in the -narrative. - -When Wyoming was a wilderness, and before the civilizing influence of -the legislature and Pattee's lottery had toned down the rough outlines -of the young commonwealth, there lived over on Horse Creek a ranchman -whom we will call Henry Ward Beecher, as a kind of _nom de corral_ as it -were. - -Henry Ward Beecher was a bachelor, and lived by himself. He did not know -the loving influences and gentle yearnfulness of woman's society. -His life was a howling wilderness, a wide waste of loneliness and -wretchedness, because he was unmated. - -Henry Ward Beecher did not know the pleasure of rising in the night and -tangling his feet up in a corset lying on the floor, or of brushing his -bald head in the morning with a hair brush so full of long, silky hairs -that they would wind around his nose and tickle his bald head till he -would wish he was dead. He was alone amid the solitude of the mountains, -with no companion but a low grade, refractory mule and a flea-bitten, -ecru-colored, mongrel dog, with one eye knocked out. - -Henry thought, as year succeeded year, that he would make a change, and -throw more joy into his humble life m some way or another, but he was -making money, and kept busy all the time, so that he neglected it. - -Finally one day in spring there came to the Ranche de Henry Ward Beecher -a man from Ohio, named Obejoyful Jenkins. He had come west hoping to get -a situation as president of a bank on the strength of being an Ohio man; -but most all the banks seemed to have all the presidents they needed, -so that Obejoyful concluded to compromise the matter, and herd sheep at -twenty-five dollars per month and board. He struck Henry Ward Beecher -and made a trade with him. - - - - -CHAPTER THE TWICE. - - -|The two men soon became quite friendly, owing to their isolated -condition, and told each other all their family secrets. Henry told -Obejoyful how his grandfather was hung; and Obejoyful told Henry how -he loved a girl in Ohio, named Oleander McTodd, and how he was going to -send for her, and marry her as soon as he could raise the scads to bring -her west. - -Time flew on, and at last Obejoyful had saved up the collateral -necessary to send for his soul's idol. He wrote to her, enclosing a post -office money order for the amount necessary to pay emigrant fare to the -railroad terminus, and also to buy _lignum vito_ cookies, and fire-proof -pie, at the lunch counters along the road. - -About the day on which Oleander McTodd would naturally arrive at the -ranche, Obejoyful was sent up on Stinking Water to round up a bunch of -sheep that had escaped, and bring them back to the fold. - -Then Henry Ward Beecher shaved' himself, put warm tallow on his boots, -swept out the cabin for the first time in nineteen years, and waited for -events to shape themselves. - - - - -CHAPTER THREE TIMES. - - -|The orb of day rode slowly adown the crimson west. The snow-clad -mountains stood leaning against the purple sky. They had done so on -several occasions before. A woman, on an ambling palfrey of the cayuse -denomination, rode down the mountain path to the cabin, and alighted. -Henry Ward Beecher came to the door with some hesitation and no -suspenders. - -"Is't Obejoyful, me truant love, an inmate of this rural retreat, said a -young, sweet voice, that sounded like the melody of a shingle mill. - -"Nay, by my halidome he is't not. Gentle lady, on yester morn I did give -him the grand bounce, and now he hath joined a hold-up outfit on the -overland stage route. It pains me to tell to you this sad, sad news, for -I wot ye art the damsel who erst was mashed on Obejoyful; but I cannot -tell a lie; he is unworthy of you, and a cross-eyed, spavined snipe of -the desert, and don't you forget it." - -Then Oleander lifted up her voice to an elevation of about 14,000 feet -above the level of the sea, and she wape with an exceeding great weep. - - - - -CHAPTER FOUR TIMES. - - -|Henry Ward Beeeher let her weep till her surcharged orbs had ceased to -give down, and then he brought out some valley tan that he had in the -house for medicinal purposes and comforted her. - -Then they got acquainted. - -They sat in the gloaming, and Henry Ward Beecher turned the gas partly -off, and held the hand of Oleander, and told her that Obejoyful had been -a humorist on an Ohio paper, and otherwise destroyed the prospects of -the absent lover in the eyes of Miss McTodd. - -They looked into each other's eyes and knew that they were solid pards -from that moment. Shortly afterward they rode away to the nearest -justice of the peace, about 223 miles off, and were married. - -Then they went home. - -Obejoyful was there. He was also heeled; but H. W. B. got the drop on -him. Then Obejoyful seemed filled with disgust, and he seemed oppressed -and filled with nameless forebodings. He seemed to lose faith in -mankind, also to some extent in womankind. He seemed to think that love -wasn't exactly what it was represented to him by the agent. It didn't -seem to be full weight, and there wasn't a prize in each and every -package, as he had been led to suppose. - -He then presented a bill to Henry Ward Beecher for $49.53, freight -charges on Oleander McTodd; but H. W. B. swore with a great, -blood-curdling, three-cornered oath that he would not pay it. - -That night Obejoyful Jenkins procured some poison, and stole away to a -quiet place, and wrote a note to tell his friends, when they found -his body, why he had taken his own life. Then he commended his soul -to Providence, poured out a glass of whisky, thought he would try it -without the poison first. The draught revived him. He changed his mind -and put the poison in Henry Ward Beecher's whisky, stole H. W. B.'s -narrow-gauge mule Boomerang, and lit out for the North Park. - -This is a true story. If the gentle reader has doubts about it I will -produce the mule Boomerang, which is now in my possession and in a good -state of preservation. - -Hereafter, in order to save time and annoyance to my readers, true -stories over my signature will be marked with a star, thus, *. - - - - -THE AUTOMATIC LIAR - - -|Laramie City, August 23.--He came in gently but firmly, and felt in his -pocket for something. - -Finally he found what looked a little like an egg-beater and some like a -new kind of speed indicator. - -"I want to show you," he said kindly, "an office-dial to hang on your -door, so that when you are away your clients will know where you are, -and when you will return. For instance, by turning the thumb-screw, the -dial will show: - -"At court, - -"At dinner, - -"At supper, - -"At bank, - -"At post-office, etc., etc., etc., with the time you will return. There -are sixty-four combinations which cover all cases of this kind necessary -for the man of business, and it is no doubt the greatest achievement of -mechanical ingenuity. Price, $ 1.50." - -"No," said Mr. Biteoffmorethanhecouldchaw, "there are twenty-seven -reasons why it would not be advisable for me to purchase your automatic -bulletin. Firstly, I have but one client, and he can not read. He would -only come and look at the indicator and kick it all to pieces and swear -and go away. Secondly, your machine is incomplete, anyway. The inventor -has signally failed to meet the popular want. It would only be an -aggravation to the average attorney. - -"I can think of a hundred things that ought to be added to a truthful -indicator. Supposing that I have gone to the circus, or to a meeting of -the vestry, or suppose I am drunk, or at a reunion of the Y. M. C. A., -or out to eat a clove with a member of the bar, or at a camp meeting, or -putting up the clothes-line at home? Or, going still further, suppose -I am wringing out the clothes, or setting bread, or taking a bath, or -wrestling with the delirium tremens, or toning down a rebellious corn, -or putting Paris green on my squash bugs, or inspecting microscopically -the homoeopathic fragment of ice that the kind-hearted ice man has -prescribed for me? - -"Or, going still further into detail, supposing that I am dead and -cannot state with any degree of accuracy where I am or when I shall -return, do you suppose that I would herald a glittering $1.50 lie to -the world by saying that I was at the barber shop and would be back at -10:30? - -"Do you think I would pay $1.50 for a machine to vicariously proclaim to -the broad universe that I was at the bank, when I have no business with -the bank? - -"Do you suppose that I would advertise that I was at the post office -when I was at the beer garden, or assert that I was at the court house, -when, as a matter of fact, I was at that moment having a preparation of -lemon-peel and other chemicals arranged for myself and another invalid -in a cool retreat down town? - -"No, sir! I spurn you and your cast-iron prevaricator, I promised my -dying mother, who afterwards recovered, that I would never lie by -machinery. - -"If I cannot lie enough to keep up with the growing demand, I -will resign like a man, and not call to my aid a cheap Jim Crow, -hand-me-down-liar, costing $1.50 only. - -"Always do right, and then you will never be put to shame. - -"If you wish, you can leave the hall door ajar as you go out the main -entrance." - -Exeunt advance agent at upper left hand entrance, orchestra playing -something soft and yielding. - - - - -SOME POSTOFFICE FIENDS. - - -|The official count shows that only two and one-half per cent, of those -who go to the postoffice transact their business and then go away. The -other ninety-seven and one-half per cent, do various things to cheer -up the postmaster and make him earn his money and wish that he had died -when he was teething. They also make it exceedingly interesting for the -other two and one-half per cent. When I go to the postoffice there is -always one man who meets me at the door and pours out a large rippling -laugh into my face, flavored with old beer and the fragrances of a royal -Havana cabbage-leaf cigar that he is sucking. If he cannot be present -himself he is vicariously on deck. - -He asks me if my circus was a financial success, and how my custard pie -plants are doing, and then fills the sultry air with another gurgling -laugh preserved in alcohol. - -I like to smell a hearty laugh laden with second-hand whisky. It revives -me and intoxicates me. Still I am trying not to become a helpless slave -to the appetite for strong drink in this form. There are other forms of -intemperance that are more seductive than this one. - -There is also a boy who never had any mail, and whose relatives never -had any mail, and they couldn't read it if they did, and if some one -read it to them they couldn't answer it. He is always there, too. - -When he sees me he hails me with a glad smile of recognition, and comes -up to me and stands on my toes and is just as sociable and artless and -trusting and alive with childish glee and incurable cussedness as he can -be. He stirs me up with his elbows, and crawls through between my legs -until the mail is open, and then he wedges himself in front of my box so -that I can't get the key into it. - -Some day when the janitor sweeps out the postoffice he will find a short -suspender and a lock of brindle hair and a handful of large freckles, -and he will wonder what it means. - -It will be what I am going to leave of that boy for the coroner to -operate on. - -Then there are two boys who come to the box delivery to settle the -difficulties that arise during the day. They fight long and hard, but -a permanent peace is never declared. It is only temporary, and the next -day the old feud is ripe again, and they fight it all over once more. - -There is also an amusing party who cheerfully stands up against -the boxes and reads his letters, and laughs when he finds something -facetious, or swears when the letter don't suit him. He also announces -to the bystanders who each letter is from, and seems to think the great -throbbing world is standing with bated breath quivering with anxiety to -know whether his sister in Arkansas has successfully acquired triplets -this year or only twins. - -This, however, is an error, for the great, throbbing world, with -characteristic selfishness, don't care a brass-mounted continental -one way or the other. One day this man got a letter with a mourning -envelope, and I heaved a sigh of relief, for, thought I, he will now -go away and be alone with his great grief. But he did not. He stood up -manfully and controlled his emotions through it all; and when he got -through he broke into the old silvery laugh. - -It seems that his brother in Oregon had run out of yellow envelopes, and -had filled the one with the black border unusually full of convulsive -mirth. - -What a world of bitter disappointment this is anyhow! - -Then there is the woman who playfully stands at the general delivery -window, and gleefully sticks her fangs out into the subsequent week, and -skittishly chides the clerk because he doesn't get her a letter, and he -good naturedly tells her as he has done daily for seven years, that he -will write her one to-morrow. - -Then she reluctantly goes home to get rested so that she can come again -and stand there the next day. - -Then comes the literary cuss, who takes a weekly paper from Vermont with -a patent inside to it. He reads it with the purest unselfishness to me, -and points out the fresh, new-laid jokes that one always finds in the -enterprising paper with the patent digestion. - -He also explains the jokes to me, so that I need not grope along through -life in hopeless ignorance of what is going on all about me. - -There is a woman, too, who comes to the window and lavishly buys a -three-cent stamp, and runs out her tongue, and hangs it over the stamp -clerk's shoulder, and lays the stamp back against the glottis and -moistens it, and has to run her skinny finger down her turkey gobbler -neck to rescue it, and then she pastes it on the upper left-hand corner -of the envelope, and asks the clerk to be sure and see that it goes. She -then thoughtfully tells him who it is to go to, and gives a short -biography of the sendee. - -There can be no doubt that some women are more capable of doing certain -kinds of business than men are. All classes of business requiring -careful and minute explanations and concise and exhaustive directions -can be better attended to by this class of women. - -They enter joyfully upon the task of shedding collateral information in -a way that would appall a man, and when they confide in you, you know -that they are not keeping anything back. You almost wish sometimes that -they would keep back a little of it and not rob themselvss. - -Still, perhaps it is better that this class of women is not trusted with -any great amount of business, for life is so brief, so evanescent, and -so transitory. - -It is but a step from the cradle to the grave anyway, and if a man -stands on one leg an hour, and then on the other an hour, listening to -extensive information every time he sells a stamp, he will die with his -ambitions unfruitioned. - - - - -AGRICULTURE AT AN ALTITUDE OF 7500 FEET. - - -|I herewith acknowledge the receipt of two bags of cane-seed from the -Agricultural Department. - -Mr. Le Duc is always thinking of me and evidently knew that I was -yearning for some cane-seed. It will grow luxuriantly here on the spinal -column of the American continent where winter lingers in the lap of -spring till after the Fourth of July. - -William says that this breed of sugar-cane "originated in Minnesota, and -is claimed to have been the result of accidental hybridization." - -I shall not allow anything of this kind myself if I can by the most -tireless watchfulness avoid it. Accidental hybridization is what is -demoralizing the sugar-cane of the whole country. - -I shall plant this seed in drills two feet apart, mulching with rich -top-dressing of retired gum boots and dead cats. I will then wait till -the plant has germinated and appears above the surface, when I shall -remove the boots and dead cats and rub the plants with a Turkish towel -to promote a healthy circulation. - -Then next fall while others who have sneered at me and called me a -horny-handed buckwheater from the rural districts, are running up heavy -bills for groceries, I will go out into my molasses orchard and pick -a milk pan full of granulated sugar from my trees, or shell out -enough maple sugar for breakfast at a slight cost and with the blessed -consciousness that I did it all myself. - -William is going to send me some more seeds that he thinks will do well -in this tropical climate. If he could send me something that would -be more hardy, like the early Swedish lemon-squeezer, or the mammoth -custard-pie plant, or the Northern Spy cucumber tree, my reports to the -department would be more cheerful than they are, but where plants have -to wear their heavy California underclothes all through August they get -discouraged and prefer to bloom in the sweet fields of Eden. - -Last year I tried the hot-bed process, but it was not a signal success. -This summer I shall use the hot-bed as an ice cream freezer. It wanted -to act in that capacity last summer, but I had a freezer that did very -well, so I foolishly used the hot-bed to assist the plants, although I -know of several days in midsummer when my cabbage-plants had to get out -of that hot-bed and run up and down the garden walk to keep their feet -from freezing. - - - - -THE GENTLE YOUTH FROM LEADVILLE. - - -|In addition to the other attractions about the depot, the old museum -of curiosities from the Rocky Mountains has been re-opened. I like to -go down and listen to the remarks of the overland passenger relative to -these articles. There are two stuffed coyotes chained to the door, one -on each side, and it amuses me to see a solicitous parent nearly yank -his little son to pieces for going so near these ferocious animals. The -coyotes look very life-like, and show their teeth a good deal, but it -breaks a man all up when he finds that their digestive apparatus has -been replaced with sawdust and plaster of Paris. - -After a coyote gets to padding himself out with baled hay and cotton so -as to look plump, he loses his elasticity of spirits, and we cease to -respect him. Sometimes a tourist asks if these coyotes are prairie dogs. - -A few days ago a man from Michigan, who has been here two weeks and -wears a large buckskin patch where it will do the most good, and who -is very bitter in his remarks about "tenderfeet," was standing at the -depot, when a young man, evidently from a theological seminary, came -along from the train whistling, "What a friend we have in Jesus." He -walked up to the Michigan man, who began to look fierce, and timidly -asked if he would tell him all about the coyote. - -[Illustration: 9210] - -The Michigan man, who never had seen a live coyote in his life, -volunteered to tell him some of the finest decorated lies, with Venetian -blinds and other trimmings to them, while the young man stood there in -open-mouthed wonder, with daylight visible between his legs as high as -the fifth rib. I never saw such a picture of rapt attention in my life. -As he became more interested, the Michigan man warmed up to his work and -lied to this guileless youth till the perspiration rolled down his face. -As the train started out, the delegate to the Young Men's Christian -Association asked the Michigan man for his address. "I want the address -of some good earnest liar," he said, "one who can lie by the day, or by -the job, and endure the strain. I want a man to enter the field for the -championship of America. Any communication you may wish to make will -reach me at Leadville, Colorado. I have been in the Rocky Mountains ever -since I was three years old, and have lived for weeks with no other diet -but coyote on toast and raw Michigan man." He waved his hand at the M. -man, and said: "If I don't see you again, hello!" and he was gone. - -How many such little episodes we experience on our journey to the tomb! - - - - -A SNIDE JOURNALIST. - - -|Recent occurrences here have seemed to absolutely demand that something -be said relative to newspaper-men. - -During my residence here I have been brought face to face with more -fraud journalists than ever before, and I am forced to lift up my voice -against it. I have met the ordinary-tramp who is pleased and happy if he -be allowed to eat cold-grub and sleep beneath the twinkling stars, -but the newspaper-tramp is meaner, more self assumed and has brighter -prospects for perdition than all the rest. He stands out ahead of the -rank and file of tramps as a kind of Major-General tramp, fearless and -self reliant. - -He feels the nobility of the profession of journalism, and indeed it -is a calling of which its followers may well be proud, but the snide -representative of the press is too proud. He puts on too many frills. - -Perhaps I am too easily picked up in this manner, but I cannot help -sympathizing with deserving newspaper men who lack many of the comforts -of life. I have been there. I know what it is to battle with a cold -world and wrestle with hunger. But now in the midst of prosperity, my -heart goes out for these vagrants in such a way that just as I begin to -get affluent, I find some subject for my charity, and I have to begin -over again. - -On Monday last a young man with a hopeful light in his eye, alighted -from the eastern-bound train, and going into the Thornburg House, -registered his name, at least we will play that it was his name, for no -one else has since called in to claim it. - -We will call him Brown as a matter of convenience. His front name, as -I afterward learned, was Ward. I might say that, in putting this report -together, another Ward has been heard from, but I leave that for the -docile reader to do as he or she may see fit. - -Mr. Brown then proceeded to get acquainted with the people of Laramie -and be sociable. He was not so reticent as some prominent newspaper men -are, but seemed to be the rollicking, jovial kind. He said that he -was the travelling correspondent of the Salt Lake _Tribune_ and also -represented the Louisville _Courier-Journal_. - -I wondered at the time what in the name of all that was handsome, the -_Courier-Journal_ wanted to pay a man and send him to the front for, -with Laramie City as his objective point. Bye-and-bye he crossed my path -and made himself known. Said he knew me by reputation, and then I began -to get alarmed. I was afraid he was a detective. But he wasn't. I drew -him out on the subject of Harry Watterson. He knew blank. Knew him well. -Had slept with him. He and Hank had been drunk together several times. - -Then I felt proud. He was an intimate friend of a great man, and sitting -there talking with an unsophisticated youth like me just as naturally as -life. It sounds like a book. I asked him up to my office, and made him -sit in my best chair--the one with the four good legs--while I took -the foundered one. I told him to make himself perfectly free with the -luxuriant furniture of the office, and invited him to spit on the floor -whenever it came handy. I told him that I knew great men didn't want to -feel hampered while chewing tobacco, and that I wanted my guests to feel -at ease. - -He then took his knife, cut off a piece of tobacco, about the size of -a paper weight, threw it back till it struck the gable-end of his mouth -with a hollow thud, and proceeded to unroll the most gorgeous panorama -of falsehoods that I ever listened to. Casually, while putting the -fresco work on my floor, he took out a letter from Watterson, and showed -it to me. Watterson writes about the same kind of a copper-plate hand -that I do. - -I wanted to take the letter and make a plaster cast of it, but Mr. Brown -said Hank wouldn't like it. The letter went on in a free and easy way to -joke Brown about looking too often on the maddening bowl, and then asked -him to be a correspondent for the C. J. - -The next day I came down town thinking about how easy it was for any -one, by a straightforward, honest course, to rise in the world, and get -acquainted with prominent men. Bye and bye I met the Sheriff. He asked -me if I didn't want to go up to the jail and take a last look at my -journalistic friend. I went up. Brown lay there in an easy position on -an old blanket, in one of the cells. - -The surroundings seemed to be in perfect harmony with the general -appearance of Mr. Brown. He had taken off the large satin arrangement -which served partly as a necktie, and partly to throw the public off -its guard in relation to his shirt. The shirt was there, slightly -disfigured, but still in the ring. It was the same shirt that he had -started out in life with. He had outgrown it, and it looked feeble, but -it was evidently determined to stay by Mr. Brown. - -I looked at him and then broke into tears. Large $2.00 sobs convulsed -my frame. I told him that he had basely imposed upon me, and led me to -believe that he was a Republican, and now he had removed the mask as it -were, and I could see that he was a Democrat. With these stone walls and -iron grates, and that soiled shirt, I could no longer doubt. - -I left him, resolving that hereafter I would not be betrayed by -appearances. He will drift away into the mighty, surging mass of -humanity, and we shall forget it. Perhaps, when the Governor of Maine -holds a mass meeting and re-union at Augusta, he will be there. But he -will drop out of my horizon like the memory of a red-headed girl, and -I shall go on my way until some other newspaper man with a letter from -Whitelaw Reid, or George Washington, or Noah, or some other prominent -man, comes along, and then I shall, no doubt, open up to his view the -same untold wealth of confidence and generous trust. - -Those who are looking anxiously every mail for a copy of the Louisville -_Courier-Journal_ or the Salt Lake _Tribune_, containing a long letter -about their town, will be disappointed. They will never come. Through -the long visita of years and down through the mellow softened atmosphere -of the Sweet Bye and Bye I hear the low, sad refrain, and it is -refraining, "Never More." Instead of the merry prattle of Mr. Brown amid -the loud echo of his expectorations as they fall with a startling crash -upon the marble floor of my office, I only hear the rattle of the cast -iron "come-alongs" and the tearful "Never More." - - - - -HE WAS BLIND. - - -|While engaged the other day in writing a little ode to the liver pad, -I heard a slight noise, and on looking toward the door I saw a boy with -his hat in his hand standing on one leg and thoughtfully scratching it -with the superior toe of the other foot. - -I asked the freckled youth what I could do for him, and he said that -there was a man at the foot of the stairs who wished to see me. I asked -him then why in the name of a great republic and a free people he didn't -see me. Then I told the boy that there was no admission fee; that it was -the regular afternoon matinee, and it was a free show. - -The frank and manly little feilow then came forward and told me that the -man was blind. - -It was not intended as a joke. It was a horrible reality, and pretty -soon a man into whose sightless orbs the cheerful light of day had not -entered for many years came up the stairs and into the office. - -I said: "Ah, sir, I see that you are a poor, blind man. You cannot see -the green grass and waving trees. While others see the pleasant fields -and lovely landscape you wander on year after year in the hopeless -gloom. Poor man. Do you not at times yearn for immortality and pine to -be among the angels where the light of a glorious eternity will enter -upon your sightless vision like a beautiful dream?" - -This was a little sentiment that I had committed to memory, being an -extract from the _Youth's Companion_. - -He wiped away three or four scalding tears with his sleeve and said that -he did. He was getting means, he said, to enable him to go to New York, -where he was going to have his eyes taken out and refilled. He also -intended to have the cornea filed down and a new crystal put in. - -I asked him how much he thought it would cost. He said he thought it -could be arranged so that $1,000 would pay the bill. At first I started -to draw a check for that amount, and then I thought I would try him with -a dollar first. - -He took the dollar and walked sadly away. - -It always makes me feel bad when I see a fellow creature who is doomed -with uncertain steps and sightless eyes to tread his weary way through -life, and I cannot be happy when I know that such misery is abroad in -the land. I thought how much I had to be thankful for, how fortunate I -had been to have all my senses and my bright and beautiful intellect, -that I wouldn't take $400 for. - -Then I wandered out to a saloon on A street to get a cigar. The blind -man was there. He had just poured out about six fingers of Jamaica rum -and was setting them up for the boys. I thought I would stand in with -the arrangement, so I leaned up against the bar in very classic style -and took two cigars at twenty-five cents apiece. - -When he came to pay for the goods he shoved out the dollar I gave him, -which I recognized, because it was a pewter dollar, and a very inferior -pewter dollar at that. - -The bartender kicked like a roan cow, and while the excitement was -at its height I stole away to where I could be alone with my surging -thoughts. - -The blind man is still in town, but he is not succeeding very well. -Unfortunately he has told several large openfaced lies and the feeling -of pity for him has petered out, if I may be allowed that expression. - -When he is sober he is going to have his eyes operated on at New -York, and when he is drunk he is going to have them attended to in -San Francisco. This gives the general appearance of insincerity to -his remarks, and the merciless public yearns for him to pack his night -shirt, like the Arabs and silently steal away. - - - - -THOUGHTS OF THE MELLOW PREVIOUSLY. - - -|It is the evening of St. Valentine's Day, and I am thinking of the long -ago. St. Valentine's Day is nothing now but a blessed memory. Another -landmark has been left behind in our onward march toward the great -hereafter. We come upon the earth, battle a little while with its joy? -and its griefs, and then we pass away to give place to other actors on -the mighty stage. - -Only a few short years ago what an era St. Valentine's Day was to me. - -[Illustration: 8217] - -Now I still get valentines, but they are different and they affect me -differently. - -They are not of so high an order of merit artistically, and the poetry -is more impudent and less on the turtle-dove order. - -Some may be neglected on St. Valentine's Day, but I am not. I never go -away by myself and get mad because I have been overlooked. I generally -get valentines enough to paper a large hall. - -I file them away carefully and sell them back to the dealer for next -year. Then the following St. Valentine's Day I love to look at the -familiar features of those I have received in the years agone. - -One of these blessed valentines I have learned to love as I do my life. -I received it first in 1870. It represents a newspaper reporter with -a nose on him like the woman's suffrage movement. It is a large, -enthusiastic nose of a bright bay color, with bias folds of the same, -shirred with dregs of wine. How well I know that nose. The reporter is -represented in tight green pants and orange coat. The vest is scarlet -and the necktie is maroon, shot with old gold. - -The picture represents the young journalist as a little bit disposed to -be brainy. The intellect is large and abnormally prominent. It hangs out -over the deep-set eyes like the minority juror on the average panel. - -I can not help contrasting this dazzling five-cent valentine with the -delicate little poem in pale blue and Torchon lace which I received in -the days of yore from the redheaded girl with the wart on her thumb. -With little of genuine pleasure have fame and fortune to offer us -compared with that of sitting behind the same school desk with the -Bismarck blonde of the school and with her alternately masticating the -same hunk of spruce gum! - -I sometimes chew gum nowadays to see if it will bring back the old -pleasant sensations, but it don't. The teacher is not watching me now. -There is too little restraint, and the companion too who then assisted -in operating the gum business, and used to spit on her slate with such -elegance and abandon, and wipe it thoughtfully off with her apron, she -too is gone. One summer day when the little birds were pouring forth -their lay, and the little lambs were frisking on the green sward, and -yanking their tails athwart the ambient air, she lit out for the -great untried West with a grasshopper sufferer. The fluff and bloom -of existence for her too is gone. She bangs eternal punishment out of -thirteen consecutive children near Ogallalla, Nebraska, and wears out -her sweet girlish nature working up her husband's underclothes into a -rag carpet. It seems tough, but such is life. - - - - -MY TOMBSTONE MINE. - -Camp on Alder Gulch, June 18, 1880. - - -|The general feeling of expectation and suspense which is the natural -result of recent mineral discoveries near to any mining town, is still -prevalent. If possible it is on the increase, and all the prevailing -indications of profound mystery are visible everywhere. There is a -general air of knowing something that other people do not. Almost every -man is hugging to his bosom a ponderous secret which is slowly crushing -him, while all his fellow men are trying to hold down the same secret. - -Occasionally a man comes to me, takes my ear and wrapping it around his -arm two or three times so that I can't get away, he tells me that he -knows where there is the richest thing in America. Only he and his wife -and another man and his wife know where this wonderful wealth is to be -found. - -He asks me to come into it so that capital will then be interested. I -agree to it and on the way to the camp I overtake the able-bodied men of -Wyoming, all of whom are trying in their poor, weak way to keep the same -secret. - -Such is life. - -Sometimes I think that perhaps I had better give up mining. I do not -seem to get the hang of the thing, somehow. All the claims I get hold of -are rich in nothing but assessments, while less deserving men catch on -to the bonanzas. - -Once I located a vein which showed what I called good indications of a -permanent vein, staked it out under the United States law and went to -work on it. I paid out $11 for sharpening picks alone, in going down ten -feet to hold it. It was mighty hard quartz, but the lead grew wider and -better defined all the time till I got down ten feet and had an assay. - -The assayer said that I had struck a marble quarry, but it was very -inferior marble after all. Besides I found afterward that it was owned -by Jay Gould and some other tender feet from New York. - -Then I relocated the claim and called it The Marble-Top Cemetery Lode, -and went away. Probably if I had gone down on it, the ore would have -shown free milling tombstones and Power's Greek slaves and all that kind -of business, but I felt kind of depressed all the time while I was at -work on it. There was a kind of "Hark from the tombs a doleful sound," -air about the whole mine. - -Cummins City still booms. Building lots have gone up to $100 each. This -for a place where a few weeks ago the song of the coyote was heard -in the land, and where the valley of the river, and bald sides of the -rugged mountains were unscarred, is a good showing. - -The magical power of a mineral excitement to transform the bleak prairie -and the rocky canyon into a thriving village at once, is something to -command our admiration and wonder. - -Two months ago, I might say, the little village of Cummins City was -nothing but a little caucus of prairie dogs, and a ward meeting of -woodticks. - -Now look at it. Opera houses, orphan asylums, hurdy-gurdies, churches, -barber shops, ice-cream saloons, dog-fights, musical _soirees_, spruce -gum, bowling-allies, salvation, and three card monte. Everything in fact -that the heart of man could yearn after. - -As you drive up Euclid Avenue, you smell the tropical fragrance of -frying bacon, and hear the recorder of the district murmuring with a -profane murmur because his bread won't raise. Here and there along the -river bank, like a lot of pic-nickers, the guileless miners are panning -pounded quartz, or submitting their socks to the old process for freeing -them from decomposed quartzite, and nonargentiferous clayite. Flying -from the dome of the opera house is a red flannel shirt, while a pair -of corpulent drawers of the same ruddy complexion, is gathering all the -clear, bracing atmosphere of that locality. - -As a picturesque tower on the roof of the Grand Central, the architect -has erected a minaret or donjon keep, which is made to represent a salt -barrel. So true to life is this new and unique design, that sometimes -the cattle which roam up and down Euclid Avenue, climb up on the mansard -roof of the Grand Central, and lick the salt off the donjon keep, and -fall over the battlements into the moated culverin, or stick their feet -through the roof and rattle the pay gravel into the custard pie and -cottage pudding. - -Bill Root, the stage driver, went out there during the early days of the -camp, and with more or less red liquor stowed away among his vitals. - -William is quite sociable and entertaining, even under ordinary -circumstances, but when he has thawed out his digestion with fire-water, -he talks a good deal. He is sociable to that extent that the bystander -is steeped in profound silence while William proceeds to unfold his -spring stock of information. On the following morning William awoke with -a seal brown taste in his mouth, and wrapped in speechless misery. There -was no cardinal liquor in the camp, (a condition of affairs which does -not now exist,) so that William was silent. On the amputating table of -the leading veterinary surgeon of Cummins City was found a tongue that -had just been removed. It was really cut from the mouth of a horse that -had nearly severed it himself, by drawing a lariat through it: but -the story soon gained currency that an indignant camp had risen in its -might, and visited its vengeance on William Root for turning loose his -conversational powers on the previous day. - -Great excitement was manifested throughout the camp, as William had not -uttered a word as yet. Toward noon, however, a party of hardened miners, -carrying a willow-covered lunch basket with a cork in the top, -arrived in camp, and shortly after that it was ascertained that the -conversational powers of Mr. Root still remained unimpaired. - -The chaplain of the camp set a day for fasting and prayer, and the red -flannel shirt on the dome of the opera house was hung at half-mast in -token of the universal sorrow and distress. - -This is a true story, which accounts for the awkward manner in which I -have told it. - - - - -BANKRUPT SALE OF A CIRCUS. - - -|As I write these lines my heart is filled with bitterness and woe. -There is a feeling of deep disappointment this morning that has cast -my soul down into the very depths of sadness. Some years ago the -legislature of Wyoming conceived the stupendous idea that the circus -instead of being man's best friend and assistant in his onward march -through life, was after all a snare and a delusion. - -This august body then passed a law that fixed the licenses of circuses -showing in Wyoming Territory at $250, which was of course an embargo on -the show business that, as I might say, laid it out colder than a wedge -so far as Wyoming Territory was concerned. - -The history of that law is a history of repeated injury and usurpation. -Our people were bowed down to the earth with the iron heel of an unjust -legislature and forced to drag out the weary years without the pleasures -which come to other States and other Territories. - -In the midst of this overhanging gloom, there were two men who were -not afraid of the all powerful legislature, but boldly lifted up their -voices and denounced with clarion tone and dauntless eye the great wrong -that had been done to our people. - -One of these men was a tall, fine-looking man, with piercing eye and -noble mein. He stood out at the front in this unequal war and with his -silvery hair streaming in the mountain zephyrs, he told the legislature -that a justly indignant people would claim at the hands of her -law-makers a full and ample retribution for the tyrannical act. - -Judge Blair, Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of Wyoming, -whether at the social gathering or the quarterly meeting, never lost -an opportunity to condemn the unrighteous act or to labor for its -abolishment. He fearlessly adjourned court time after time in order -that the jury might go to Denver or Salt Lake to attend the circus, and -embodied in one of his opinions on the bench the everlasting truth that -"the usurpation of the people's prerogatives by the lawmakers of any -State or Territory, in so far as to deprive them of a divine right -inherent in their very natures, and compelling them to undergo a slavish -isolation from the Mammoth Aggregation of Living Wonder? and Colossal -Galaxy of Arenic Talent, was unjust in its conception and criminal -in its enforcement." See Boggs vs. Boggs, 981. The other dauntless -antagonist of the tyrannical law was a young man with pale seldom hair, -and a broad open brow that bulged out into space like a sore thumb. He -was slender in form like a parallel of longitude, with a nose on him -that looked like a thing of life. This young man was myself. - -Together we talked in season and out of season, laboring with the -law-makers with an energy worthy of a better cause. - -We met with scorn and rebuffs on every hand, and the cold, hard world -laughed at us, and unfeelingly jeered at our ceaseless attempts. But we -labored on till last winter, the welcome telegram was flashed over the -wires that the despotic measure was no more. - -Then there was a general joy all over the Territory. Judge Blair sang in -that impassioned way of his, which makes a confirmed invalid reconciled -to death, and I danced. - -When I dance there is a wild originality about the gyrations that -startles those who are timid, and causes the average, unprotected -ballroom-belle to climb up on the platform with the orchestra, where she -will be safe. - -Bye-and-bye the young man with the step-ladder and the large oil -paintings, and the long-handled paste brush came to town, and put some -magnificent decalcomania pictures on the bill-boards and fences; and -Judge Blair and I patted each other on the back; and laughed seven or -eight silvery laughs. - -But in the midst of our unfettered glee a telegram came from Denver that -the circus that had billed our town had been attached by the sheriffs. -It seems that the elephant had broken into a warehouse in Denver and -had eaten 160 bales of hay, worth $100 each in the Leadville market. The -owner of the hay then attached the show in order to secure pay for the -hay. - -This necessitated a long delay and finally a sale of the circus. -Everything went, the big elephant and the baby elephant, the band -chariot with a cross-eyed hyena painted on it, the steam calliope that -couldn't play anything but "Silver Threads Among the Gold," the sacred -jackass from North Park, the red-nosed babboon from New Jersey, the -sore-eyed prairie dog from Jack Creek, the sway-backed grizzly bear from -York State, and the second-hand clown from Dubuque, all had to go. - -Then they opened a package of petrified jokes and antique conundrums -that had been exhumed from the ruins of Pompeii. It seemed almost like -sacrilege, but the ruthless auctioneer tore these prehistoric jokes from -the sarcophagus and knocked them down to the gaping throng for whatever -they would bring. - -The show was valued at $2,000,000 on the large illustrated catalogues -and bright-hued posters, but after the costs of attachment and sale had -been paid there was only $231 left. - -Oh! what a sacrifice. How little there is in this brief transitory life -of ours that is abiding. How few of our bright hopes are ever realized. -How many glad promises are held out to us for the roseate future that -never reach fruition. - - - - -GREELEY VERSUS VALLEY TAN. - - -|I stopped over one day at Greeley on my return. Greeley is the town -after which Horace Greeley was named. It is enclosed by a fence and -embraces a large tract of very fine agricultural land. - -The editor of the _Tribune_ had just received a brand new power press. -I asked him to come out and take something. He did not seem to grasp my -meaning exactly. - -Afterward I wandered about the town thinking how much dryer the air is -in Greeley than in Denver. The throat rapidly becomes parched, and yet -the inducements for the visitor to step in at various places and chew a -clove or two are very rare indeed. I thought what a dull, melancholy day -the Fourth of July must be in Greeley, and how tame and dull life must -be to those who experience a uniform size of head from year to year. The -blessed novelty of rising in the morning with a dark brown taste in the -mouth and the cheerful feeling that your head is so large that you can't -possibly get it out through your bed-room door, are sensations that do -not enter here. - -All the water not used at Greeley for irrigating purposes is worked up -into a light, nutritious drink for the people. - - - - -THE ETERNAL FITNESS OF THINGS. - - -|An exchange comes out with an article giving the former residence -and occupation of those who are immediately connected with the Indian -management. It will be seen that they are, almost without an exception, -from the Atlantic coast, where they have had about the same opportunity -to become acquainted with the duties pertaining to their appointment as -Lucifer has had for the past two thousand years to form a warm personal -acquaintance with the prophet Isaiah. - -With all due respect to the worthy descendants of the Pilgrim Fathers, -and not wishing to cast a slur upon the ability or the integrity of the -dwellers along the rock-bound coast of New England, I will say in the -mildest manner possible that these men are no more fit to manage hostile -Indians than Perdition is naturally fitted for a powder house. - -A man may successfully cope with the wild and fierce codfish in his -native jungle, or beard the salt water clam in his den, and still -signally fail as an Indian agent. The codfish is not treacherous. He -may be bold, blood-thirsty and terrible, but he will never go back on -a treaty. Who ever heard of a codfish going back on his word? Who ever -heard of a codfish leaving the Reservation and spreading desolation over -the land? No one. The expression on the face of a codfish shows that he -is perfectly open and above board. - -We might say the same of the clam. Of course if driven to the wall, as -it were, he will fight; but we have yet to find a single instance in the -annals of history where the clam--unless grossly insulted and openly put -upon, ever made an open outbreak. - -This is why we claim that clam culture and Indian management are not -analogous. They are not simultaneous nor co-extensive. They are not -identical nor homogeneous. - -I feel that in treating this subject in my candid and truthful way, -perhaps the Administration will feel hurt and grieved; but if so I can't -help it. The great reading public seems to look to me, as much as to -say: "What are your views on this great subject which is agitating the -public mind?" I can't evade it, and even if President Hayes were an own -brother, instead of being a warm, personal friend and admirer, I would -certainly speak right out as I have spoken out, and tell the whole -broad Republic of Columbia that to successfully steer a hostile tribe -of nervous, refractory and irritable Indian bummers past the rocks and -shoals of war is one thing, and to drive a salt water clam up a hickory -tree and kill him with a club, is entirely another thing. - - - - -THEY UNANIMOUSLY AROSE AND HUNG HIM. - - -|I was talking the other day with a Laramie City man about Leadville, he -said: - -"In addition to the fact of Laramie money being now invested there, we -have sent many good citizens there to build up homes and swell the boom -of the young city. We also sent several there of whom we are not proud. -We still hold them in loving remembrance. Sometimes we go through the -motions of getting judgments against these men, and making transcripts -with big seals on them, and sending to Leadville to be placed on the -execution docket of Lake county. - -"We also sent Edward Frodsham to Leadville. We intimated to him that -life was very brief and that if he wanted to gather a little stake -to leave his family perhaps he could do so faster in Leadville than -anywhere else. So he went. He is there now. He at once won the notice -of the public there and soon became the recipient of the most flattering -attentions. A little band of American citizens one evening took him out -on the plaza, or something of that kind, and hung him last fall. - -"The maple turned to crimson and the sassafras to gold, and when the -morning woke the song of the bunko-steerer and the robin, Mr. Frodsham -was on his branch all right, but he couldn't seem to get in his work -as a songster. There seemed to be a stricture in the glottis, and the -diaphragm wouldn't buzz. The gorgeous dyes of the autumn sunrise -seemed strangely at variance with the gen d'arm blue of Mr. Frodsham's -countenance. - -"His death calls to mind one sunny day in the midsummer of '78. It was -one of those days when there is a lull in the struggle for existence, -and the dreamy silence and hush of nature seem to be concurred in by a -committee of the whole. - -"It was one of those days when, in the language of the average magazine -poet--= - -```The flowers bloomed, the air was mild, - -````The little birds poured forth their lay, - -```And everything in nature smiled.= - -"But soon from out the silence, bursting upon the quiet air, came the -sharp report of a pistol. Then another and another in rapid succession. -People who were going to trade in that locality suddenly thought of -other places of business where the same articles could be obtained -cheaper. Men who were not afraid of danger in any form, went away -because they didn't want to be called as witnesses on the inquest. - -"The shooting went on for some time. It sounded like the battle'of the -Wilderness. After a while it ceased. A large party of men went out to -gather up the dead and arrange for a grand funeral. But the remains were -not so dead as they ought to be. There were bullet holes to be sure, -penetrating various parts of the combatants, but the funeral had to be -postponed. The sidewalks were plowed up, signs were riddled and windows -shattered, but Edward Frodsham got off with a bullet hole through the -side. The doctor pronounced it a very close call, but not necessarily -fatal. It was a terrible disappointment to every one. As a shooting -match it was a depressing failure, and as a double funeral it was not -deserving of mention. - -"The city council told Frodsham that if he couldn't shoot better than -that he might select some young growing town outside of Wyoming and grow -up with it. He did so. He favored Colorado with his stirring, energetic -presence. - -"His grave grows green to-day on the sunny hill-side 'neath the bending -willow, and the soft, sweet breath that is sighing through the pines -and stirring the delicate ferns beside the glassy depth of the mountain -stream, is singing his requiem. [Perhaps, however, I am rushing the -season for Leadville a little; if so the last refrain after the word -'presence,' may be wrapped up in warm flannels and stored away till -July.]" - - - - -RHETORIC VS. WOODTICK. - -Camp on the New Jerusalem Mine, June 15. - - -|It is impossible at present to say anything about what the future of -this district may bring forth. Every lead shows up beautifully, and -so much so, in fact, that claim owners are working first one and then -another in order to hold them under the new law, which requires an -amount of work to be done on the lead within sixty days which is -generally only required within one year. This new regulation, which is -the act of the district of course, may not stand any very severe test, -but at present the miners are respecting it. - -It is severe on me, however, and virtually leaves me out. What I need is -a law that will not ride over and overthrow and freeze out the poor man. -This law is passed in the interest of capital and in direct violation -of the rights and privileges of the great surging mass of horny-handed -workingmen like Brick Pomeroy and myself. - -I havn't the time to particularize or describe the different mines -visited, and if I were to do so the chances are that I wouldn't cover -myself or the district with glory. - -It is true that I know a foot wall from a windlass, with one hand -tied behind me, but if I were buying a mine I would be about as apt to -purchase a deposit of sulphurets of expectations, showing traces of free -milling telluride of disappointment, as anything else. - -The camp has about 300 miners and prospectors now within the city -limits. All up and down the picturesque valley of the swift-flowing -river the low cabin and white tent dot the green sward, and far above -the everlasting hills rear their heads on high, torn by the Titanic -power of giant heat in the days of the long ago. - -I said this to Professor Paige, the scientific correspondent of the -_Inter-Ocean_, who accompanied me. I thought that perhaps it would -tickle him to know that I could reel off a sentence like that, but it -didn't affect him in that way. On the contrary, he seemed to think that -the heat must have affected me in some way. - -We climbed Jehu mountain on the evening that we arrived in camp. We -thought it would be the proper thing to do, so we dug our toe-nails into -the prehistoric granite and the micacious what's-his-name and climbed to -the top. - -For a few minutes we didn't mind it much and got along first-rate, -trying to make each believe that climbing mountains was our regular -business. - -I began to tell the Professor a little harmless lie about how I had -travelled among the Alps, but I didn't finish it. Somehow I felt like -breathing in what atmosphere was not in actual use, but I didn't have -any place to put it. - -The air at Jehu Mountain is good enough what there is of it, but it is -too rare. If a man could let out the back straps of his vest and breathe -in the unoccupied atmosphere lying between the Laramie river and the -Zodiac it would be all right, but he can't do it. His intentions are -good, but his skin isn't elastic enough to hold the diluted fluid. - -We climbed up to where we could see the silvery moon rising like a pale -schoolma'am and looking sadly across the dark valley asleep in night's -embrace. I thought it was time to say something. - -"Professor," said I, as my brow lighted up like a torchlight procession, -and my voice broke upon the hush and solitude of evening like the -tremulous notes of the buzz saw, "do you not think that far away amid -the unknown worlds which drift through space and along whose track the -drifting systems of planets wheel and circle through countless ages, -while man, clothed in a little brief authority, cuts such fantastic -tricks Before high heaven as makes the angels weep, regarding himself as -the center of the solar system, planning to frustrate the immutable laws -of nature, violating the prime and co-ordinate common law of universes, -going behind the returns, as it were, trying to peer behind the veil, as -I might say, prognosticating the unprognosticatable, evading the axioms -and by-laws which not only regulate worlds and their creation, but link -the phantasmagoria of diagonal animalculę and cast broadcast the -oleaginous incongruity of prehistoric usufruct?" - -The Professor didn't say anything. He didn't seem to have followed me. -Somewhere the thread had been broken, and the glowing truths couched in -such language as would light up the pages of history and astronomy, were -lost upon the silent air. - -The Professor seemed sad and anxious and preoccupied. There was a look -of apprehension and doubt and distrust in his eye, and he moved about -uneasily. I asked him if there were any last words that I could carry -to his friends, and ii there were any little acts of humanity and -friendship which I could perform to render his last moments more -pleasant. - -He said there were. - -***** - -Then he told me that a wood-tick was slowly but surely boring a hole -into his spinal column, near where the off scapula forms a junction with -the nigh one, and asked me to help bring him to justice. - -We should learn from this that heaven-born genius, with the music -of poetic language and aflame with an inspiration almost miraculous, -sometimes makes less impression upon the listener than a little insect -no larger than a grain of mustard seed. - - - - -THE MODEL WIFE. - - -|Dr. Westwood lectured here on Wednesday evening on the Model Husband. -He wanted me to sit upon the stage as the horrible example, but I -declined. He was quite pointed in his remarks all the way through, -and seemed to have me in his mind when he described the model husband, -although of course he used a fictitious name. The lecture was a good -one, and very well liked by the husbands who had to sit and take it for -an hour and a half. Let the gentle male reader imagine himself sitting -for that length of time with his own wife on one side of him and another -man's wife on the other side of him, and when the speaker makes a point -on the old man to get alternate jabs in the side from the delighted -ladies. - -I shall lecture here during the winter on the subject of the "Model -Wife." I will then get even. I will tell how the young man with bright -hopes, and thinking only of the great, consuming love he has for his -new spouse, is torn away from the hallowed ties of home and the sunny -influences of young companions, and buried in the poverty-stricken -cottage of a woman who cannot begin to support him in the style in which -he has been accustomed. - -It is high time that this course of disgraceful misrepresentation on the -part of young women should be exposed. I once knew a young man with the -most gentle and trustful nature. He had never known care or sorrow. But -an adventuress with winsome smile and loving voice crossed his path and -allowed him to think that she could maintain a husband like other women, -and in his blind adoration for her he bade good-bye to his home and its -joys and madly walked out with her into the great, untried future. She -told him that he should never know the cruel sting of poverty, and other -romantic trash, and look at him to-day. He is a broken-hearted man. His -wife does not take him into society; does not keep him clothed as other -men are clothed, and grudgingly gives him the little pittance from week -to week which she earns by washing. - -Is it strange that his pillow is wet with tears, and in his agony he -cries out upon the still air of night, "Oh, mother, why did I leave thy -kindly protection and overshadowing love and marry a total stranger?" - -Then the woman who has sworn to protect and love and cherish him kicks -him in the pit of the stomach and harshly tells him to "dry up." - -I sometimes think that if mothers knew to what sorrow and gross and -shameless treatment their sons were to submit all through their lives, -they would put them out of their misery with a base-ball club. Some -mothers do try this but they postpone it too long and the sons get too -large and more difficult to kill than when their skulls are young and -tender. - -I have alwavs maintained that a kind word and a caress will do more for -the great yearning nature of the husband than harshness and severity. -The tuue wife may reprove her husband when he spills coal all over the -Brussels carpet and then steps on it and grinds it in, but how much -better even that is than to kick him under the bed and then sit down on -him and gouge out his eyes with a pinking iron. - -I know that men are too often misunderstood. They may be rough on the -exterior but they can love Oh, so earnestly, so warmly, so truly, so -deeply, so intensely, so yearningly, so fondly and so universally! - -Always kiss your husband good-bye when you go down town to your work. It -may be the last time. I once knew a wife who went down town to price a -new dolman, and because she was vexed about something she did not kiss -her husband but slammed the door and left him. When she returned he was -a corpse! - -* * * * * - -While peeling the potatoes for dinner with the carving knife, he -had stepped on a clothes pin, which threw him forward over the baby -carriage, the knife entering at the northeast corner of the gizzard and -sticking out beneath the shoulder blade about two feet into space. What -a scene for the now repentant wife. There, in the full vigor of his -manhood, lay all that was mortal of her companion--dead as a mackerel!!! - -Let us take this home to ourselves, and ask ourselves today if we are -doing the square thing by the only husband we have. Are we loving him as -we should, or are we turning this task over to the hired girl? - -Intemperance, too, is a fruitful cause of connubial unhappiness. -Young man, beware of a wife who loves the flowing bowl. I once knew -a beautiful young lady, talented and with good business ability. The -entire circle of her acquaintance admired and respected her, but alas! -one evening at a banquet her companion, with a heavenly smile, asked -her to drink wine. Gradually the taste grew upon her, and although she -married, she could not support her husband, and he gradually pined away -and died brokenhearted. He used to sit up nights for her to come home, -and he caught the inflammatory rheumatism and swelled up and died. It -was a terrible thing. I tell you we cannot be too careful. You take a -handsome young man like the author of these lines and his power for good -or evil is untold. I sometimes wish that I had not been constructed with -so much dazzling beauty to the square inch, and I am almost tempted to -go and disfigure myself some way. If I were to ask a fair gazelle on New -Year's day to come and join me in a social glass and then throw one -of those melting 2 by 8 glances of mine on her, I know for a moral -certainty that before night she would be in the calaboose. But I shall -guard against that. Nothing of that kind shall ever be laid at my door. -I promised my aged parents when I left the old homestead that I would -never set 'em up for anyone. - - - - -SOME OVERLAND TOURISTS. - - -|The varied classes of tourists passing over the Union Pacific Railroad, -representing as they do all classes of humanity, seem to call for a -brief notice from the nimble pen of a great man. - -During my short but eventful life I have given a large portion of my -time to studying human nature. Studying human nature and rustling for -grub, as the Psalmist has it, have occupied my time ever since I arrived -at man's estate. - -There is one style of tourist which I am more particularly devoted to, -perhaps, than any other. It is the young man who is in search of health -for his invalid mustache. Only last week I saw one of these gentle -youths who was going to try sea air and California fruit to see if he -couldn't rescue his consumptive mustache from the jaws of death. - -When he got off here and took the poor thing out to where it could look -about and see the green plains and snow-capped mountains, I felt sorry -for him. It is hard for one to be a successful tourist with a pale -invalid along with him night and day, and I could imagine how that -young man would have to get up nights when his mustache got restless and -needed fresh air or wanted to take its tonic. - -It was certainly the most gentle, retiring, modest mustache I ever saw. -It didn't seem to care for anything only to be loved. - -Every little while the youth would reach up to where it was and feel -around nervously to see if it had climbed the golden stairs or was still -on deck. - -It was not a heavy mustache at all. It was about as voluptuous as a -buffalo gnat's eye-brow. - -I never saw a mustache before that brought the scalding tears to my eyes -like that one. I thought how lonely the young man would be when it had -glided up the flume and left him in this cold, uncharitable world with -nothing to love and cling to but an earnest and unhappy boil on the back -of his neck that wouldn't come to a focus. - -Sometimes I go down to the train to see some fair young girl who is on -the overland trip. But I am not always gratified. - -A short time ago I went over, feeling as though I would like to see a -fair young creature full of life and joy and with the light of a joyous -future shining in her lustrous eyes. - -It didn't seem to be her train. It was the day that a woman was on -board with a Russia iron alapaca dress and white eyes. She was from -Winnipewankiegingersuappetymagoggery, Maine. - -She had a little sore-eyed boy with cream-colored hair and freckles on -his face as large as a veal cutlet. - -The boy would occasionally walk along the platform with his fore finger -rammed into his mouth and hooked around his wisdom tooth. He would walk -along looking up into the sky, and running into everybody and falling -over the baggage truck till his mother got quite irritated, and I told -the boy that the future looked dark for him unless he braced up and -stopped pulverizing people's corns. - -Bye and bye the boy ran into a blind man and knocked the wind out of -him, so that all he could do for ten minutes was to stand there and gasp -for breath as though he wanted to breathe in the vast realms of space. - -Then his mother extended a long, bony hand with a large silver ferule on -the biggest finger, and she laid hold of that lemon-colored kid of her's -and gathered in as much of his ear as her hand would hold. She churned -him up pretty good, and it didn't seem to be very much exertion for her -either. Every little while he would make an aerial flight and back -he would come, his boots banging against the car with a -loud report. Finally the woman with the white eye, from -Winnipewankiegingersuappetymagoggery, Me., consolidated her efforts for -one grand flourish, but while in mid-air the boy's ear unscrewed and he -lit out through the firmament, falling in a shapeless mass on the other -side of the second-class car, where his gentle mother found him and -gathered him up in her gingham apron. - -There are lots of these little queer and amusing circumstances taking -place here almost every day, and I have often thought that if some -one with a taste for the ridiculous would turn his attention in that -direction he would make an interesting sketch of them. - -During the month of June we had a heavy snow storm, and it pleased the -average tourist very much to be able to snow ball in mid-summer, so that -he could tell his friends about it when he got home. - -One intellectual Hercules, with a head about as large as a gum drop and -a linen hat like the dome of the Mormon Temple, thought it would be a -frisky little thing to throw some snow in the face of a sensible man -engaged in conversation on the hotel pavement. The sensible man mopped -the snow out of his face and went on with his conversation till the -train was ready to start and the mental giant had forgotten all about -it. - -Then the large man walked up to the watery-eyed youth with a big lunch -basket full of snow and proceeded to stow it away around the features of -the youthful snide with the skim-milk optic. He used what he could get -near by, trying to fill his ears full, but couldn't get snow enough. -Then he took what he had left and worked it down inside the voluptuous -shirt collar of the bilious young man from the Normal school. - -I enjoyed it first-rate because I can not bear to see a feminine tourist -like this young man, wearing men's clothes and trying to play himself -for a man. When a man wants to be a merry laughing girl and can't, and -he stands trembling on the dividing line between manhood and womanhood -and hesitating which way to fall, I often wish that I had a foot like -Brigham Young's tombstone with a swing to it like a pile driver and -I would like to kick the young man with the old gold hat band and the -polka dotted necktie so far into the realms of space that when he fell -people would think he was a red-headed meteor looking for a soft place -to fall into. - - - - -CATCHING MOUNTAIN TROUT AT AN ELEVATION OF 8000 FEET. - - -|A few days ago, in company with Dr. Hayford, I went over to Dale Creek -on a brief extempore trouting expedition. Dale Creek is a beautiful -and romantic stream running through a rugged canon and crossed by the -beautiful iron bridge of the Union Pacific Railroad. - -[9241] - -We went up Dale Creek at this season of the year is not very much of a -torrent, and on the day we went over there all the trout had gone down -to the mouth of the stream to get a drink. - -Every little while the Doctor would put on his glasses and hunt for the -creek while I caught grasshoppers and looked at the scenery. I did not -catch any trout myself, but the Doctor drove one into a prairie-dog hole -and killed him. I am frantically fond of field sports although I am -not always successful in securing game. I love to wander through the -fragrant grass and wild flowers, listening to the song of the bobolink -as he sways to and fro on some slender weed; but it delays me a good -deal to stop every little while and cut on No. 4 and returned on No. 3. - - - - -TROUT FISHING. - -|My fly hooks out of my clothes. I throw a fly very grace, fully, but -when it catches under my shoulder-blades, and I try to lift myself up in -that manner, my companions laugh at me and make me mad. - -Dr. Hayford, who had command of the expedition, told me that we would -have an hour and three quarters to fish and then we would have to go -back and catch the train. Therefore we hurried a good deal, and I had -to leave a decrepit trout that I had found in a dead pine tree and was -almost sure of. We gathered a bouquet of wild roses and ferns and cut -worms and went back to the bridge to wait for No. 3. We sat there for -an hour or two on a voluptuous triangular fragment of granite, telling -large three-ply falsehoods about catching fish and shooting elephants in -Michigan. Then we waited two or three more long weary hours, and still -the train didn't come. - -After a while it occurred to me that I had been made the victim of the -man who had spent the most of his life telling the public about the -pleasant weather of Wyoming. He enjoyed my misery and cheered me up by -saying that perhaps our train had gone, and we would have to wait for -the emigrant-train. We ate what lunch we had left, told a few more lies, -and suffered on. - -At last the thunder of the train in the distance was borne down to -us, and we rose with a sigh of relief, gathered up our bouquets and -decomposed trout, and prepared to board the car. But it was a work train -and didn't stop. - -Then I went away by myself and tried to control my fiendish temper. I -thought of the doctor's interesting family at home, and how they would -mourn if I were to throw him over Dale Creek bridge, and pulverize him -on the rocks below. So my better nature conquered and I went back to -wait a few more weeks. - -The next train that came along was a freight train, and it made better -time going past us than at any other point on the road. - -Toward evening the regular passenger train came along. I found out which -coach the doctor was going to ride in, and I got into another one. I -look my poor withered little bouquet and looked at it. All the flowers -were dead and so were the bugs that were in it. It was a ghostly ruin -that had cost me $9.25. An idea struck me, and I gave the bouquet to the -train boy to sell. I told him what the entire array of ghastliness had -cost me, and asked him to get what he could out of it. - -He took the collection and sold it out to the passengers, realizing, -$21.35. Passengers bought them and sent them home as flowers collected -at Dale Creek bridge in the Rocky mountains. Then a kind hearted -gentleman on the train, who saw how sad I looked, and how ragged -my clothes were, where I had cut fish-hooks out of them, took up a -collection for me. - -Hereafter when a man asks me to join a fishing excursion to the -mountains, I hope that I shall have the moral courage and strength of -character to refuse. - - - - -HOME-MADE INDIAN RELICS. - - -|Sherman, on the Union Pacific Railroad, is the loftiest by a -considerable majority of any point on the road. This fact has occasioned -some little notoriety for Sherman, and on the strength of it a small -reservoir of Western curiosities has been established there. - -I went over to the curiosity ranche while the train was taking breath, -to see what I could see and buy it if the price were not too high. - -There were a great many Western curiosities from various parts of the -country, and I got deeply interested in them. - -I love to find some old relic of ancient times or some antique weapon of -warfare peculiar to the noble Aztecs. I can ponder over them by the hour -and enjoy it first-rate. - -Among the living wonders I noticed a bale of Indian arrows. These arrows -are beautiful to look upon, and are remarkably well preserved. They are -as good as new. I asked, simply as a matter of form, if they were Indian -arrows. The man said they were. Then I asked who made them, and he got -mad and wouldn't speak to me. - -I do not think I am unreasonable to want to know who makes my Indian -arrows, am I? - -I am willing to pay a fair price for the genuine Connecticut made arrow -with cane shaft, and warranted cast steel point, but the Indian arrow -made at Omaha is not durable. - -This curiosity man would make more money and command a larger trade if -he were not so quick-tempered. - -He had also some Western cactus as a curiosity for the tenderfoot who -had never fooled with a cactus much. - -It was the clear thing, however. I sat down on one to test its -genuineness. It stood the test better than I did. When you have doubts -about a cactus and don't know whether it is a genuine cactus or a young -watermelon with its hair banged, you can test it by sitting down on it. -It may surprise you at first, but it tickles the cactus almost to death. - -For a high-priced house plant and gentle meek-eyed exotic that don't -care much for affection, the Rocky Mountain cactus takes the cake. - -It is very easy to live, and don't require much fondling. It will enjoy -life better if you will get mad at it about once a week and pull it up -by the roots, and kick it around the yard. Water it carefully every -four years; if you water it oftener than that, it will be surprised, and -gradually pine away and die. - -Another item I must not forget in giving directions for the -cultivation of this rare tropical plant: get some one to sit down on it -occasionally--if you don't feel equal to it yourself. There's nothing -that makes a cactus thrive and flourish so much as to have a victim with -linen pants on, sit down on it and then get up impulsively like. If a -cactus can have these little attentions bestowed upon it, it will -live to a good old age, and insinuate itself through the pantaloons of -generations yet unborn. Plant in a gravelly, coarse soil, and kick it -every time you think of it. - -Returning to our subject, however, I think the Indian is a trifle -uncertain and at times tricky by nature. Of course I do not wish to -say anything that would have a tendency to injure the reputation of the -Indian, for in all candor I will say that he means well. - -I do not wish to have what I may say published as coming from me, -because the Indian has always used me well, perhaps because I never -allow myself to stray into his jurisdiction, but he has little, hateful, -mean ways which I despise. Some think that if he were to have more -chance to learn, more normal schools and base-ball clubs and upright -pianos, he would have more ambition to do right and get ahead, but I -almost doubt it. - -I am very humane myself, but I am more apt to be harsh in my measures -with the Indian than most Eastern people of culture are. Perhaps this is -because I have seen people who had been shot full of large size bullet -holes by the red man. This makes a difference, and I may be prejudiced. - -When the average philanthropist has seen a family lying scattered around -promiscuous and shot so full of holes that even the coarsest kind of -food is of no use, he begins to ask in his mind whether a more severe -method of treatment would not be beneficial to the Indian. - -I want to look this matter calmly in the face, and ask whether night -shirts and civilization and suspenders will make good citizens out of -these unfettered children of the forest or not? Is it the opinion of the -gentle reader that a nation of flea-bitten, smoke-tanned beggars will -come forward and submit to the ennobling influences of Christianity and -duck vests and horse-shoe scarf pins and quarterly meetings and gauze -underwear? Methinks not. - -Nature constructed the noble red man with certain little mental, moral -and physical eccentricities, and these eccentricities can be better worn -away and remodeled on the evergreen shore. - -Poor, weak, fallible man cannot successfully grapple with the task of -working over an entire nation of human beings and changing the whole -trend, so to speak, of a nation's mental and moral nature. - -Let us not, therefore, usurp the prerogative or attempt to perform the -Herculean task which a wise Creator has laid out for Himself. - -The policy of Divine administration, if I mistake not, is to improve the -Indian and reform him in a future state in a large corral where the worm -dieth not. This of course is only my private opinion, and I am offering -it now in packages containing six each, securely boxed and sent free to -any address on receipt of $1. I would sell it cheaper were it not for -the excessive freight and the recent rise in white paper. - -Supposing then the above to be the correct theory, what can poor erring -man do to forward the good work? Evidently he can do nothing unless it -be to change the state of the red man from a discouraging and annoying -mortality to a bright and shining immortality. - -I would suggest that this be done so far as possible by those who can -spare the time and ammunition to do so. I will give to such all the -encouragement and moral support I can. I would assist in the good work, -but I am most too busy now planting my raspberry jam and setting out my -early Swedish dried apple pie plant. - - - - -THE PREVIOUS REPORTER. - - -|Fluke MaGilder, an old Washington reporter, who afterward was well -known among Western newspaper men, was one of the most tireless and -persistent news-gatherers I ever knew. He used to tell with considerable -apparent pleasure how he didn't obtain the points on a prominent -military court martial which was held at Cheyenne in 1876. It happened -on this wise: - -When it was known for a dead certainty that the court-martial had -closed, and that the result was sealed up in an envelope in the -possession of General Pope, who roomed at the Inter-Ocean, Fluke got -up an infernal lie to tell the General, and thus got him away from his -room. He induced a little negro boy, by promising him an old pair of -pants, to go up and deliver a note to General Pope, saying that -General Merritt was out at Fort Russell, and that he wanted to see him -immediately. After the General had gone Fluke crawled into the transom -of his room, and began to ransack things. It turned out, however, that -the documents were safe in the General's overcoat pocket, and MaGilder -was baffled. He searched all the drawers in the room, looked under the -bed, rummaged the pockets of all the extra clothes in the room, and the -more he searched the madder he got, and when at last it dawned upon him -that he was foiled, his wrath knew no bounds. He filled his pockets with -the General's cigars, drank the General's wine, and wiped his nose on -the General's best clean handkerchiefs. He spit tobacco juice in the -General's slippers, wiped his feet on the pillow shams, dressed the -coal-stove up in the General's night shirt, and spread a few spare -hairpins which he had in his pockets, under the General's pillow. He was -pretty mad. He took the spittoon and stood it on the center-table, with -a tooth brush sticking in the middle, and wound up by trying on the -General's underclothes and tearing the ruffles off. It is so well -established that Fluke had a great deal of _embonpoint_, that it is -unnecessary to say he had a good deal of trouble to get into General -Pope's apparel, as the General is a slim man. However, as MaGilder stood -in the position of a boy who is just on the point of going in swimming, -and had the last garment drawn over his head, so that he could not see -very well, General Pope slipped in with a large snow-shovel, which he -applied with great vigor. When they offered Fluke a chair at a party -after that he would murmur, "No, thank you, I prefer to stand up. I've -been sitting down all day and wish a change." But everybody knew that he -hadn't sat down for over a week. - - - - -THE PEACE COMMISSION. - -EVIDENCE OF JOHNSON BEFORE THE COURT. - -Los Pinos, Col., Nov. 17. - - -|Chief Johnson was again called on the stand this morning, and -administered the following oath to himself in a solemn and awe-inspiring -manner: - -"By the Great Horn Spoons of the pale-face, and the Great Round Faced -Moon, round as the shield of my fathers; by the Great High Muck-a-Muck -of the Ute nation; by the Beard of the Prophet, and the Continental -Congress, I dassent tell a lie!" - -When Johnson had repeated this solemn oath--at the same time making -the grand hailing sign of the secret order known as the Thousand and -One--there was not a dry eye in the house. - -Question by General Adams.--What is your name and occupation, and where -do you reside? - -Answer--My name is Johnson, just plain Johnson. The rest has been torn -off. I am by occupation a farmer. I am a horny-handed son of toil, and -don't you forget it. I reside in Greeley, Colorado. - -Question--Did you, or did you not hear of a massacre at White River -agency, during the fall, and if so, to what extent? - -Objected to by defendant's counsel because it is irrelevant, immaterial, -unconstitutional, imitation, and incongruous. - -Most of the forenoon was spent in arguing the point before the court, -when it was allowed to go in, whereupon the defendant's counsel asked to -have the exception noted on the court's moments. - -Answer--I did not hear of the massacre, until last evening, when I -happened to pick up a copy of the Evanston _Age_ and read it. It was a -very sad affair, I should think. - -Question--Were you, or were you not, present at the massacres? - -Objected to by defendant's counsel on the ground that the witness is not -bound to answer a question which would criminate himself. - -Objection sustained, and question withdrawn by the prosecution. - -Question--Where were you on the night that this massacre is said to have -occurred? - -Answer--What massacre? - -Question--The one at White River? - -Answer--I was attending a series of protracted meetings at Greeley, in -this State. - -Question--Were Douglass, Colorow and other Ute chiefs with you at that -meeting in Greeley? - -Answer--They were. - -Court adjourned for dinner. - -General Adams remarked to a reporter that he was getting down to -business now, and that he had no doubt that in a few months he would -convict all these Utes of falsehood in the first degree. - -After dinner, court was called, with Johnson at the bat and Douglass on -deck; General Adams, short stop; Ouray, center field. - -Question--You say that you were not present at the White River massacre; -were you ever engaged in any massacre? - -Objected to, but objection afterward withdrawn. - -Answer--No. - -Question--Never? - -Answer--Never. - -Question--What! Never? - -Answer--Well, dam seldom. - -(Great applause and cries of "ugh!") - -Question--Did you, or did you not, know a man named N. C. Meeker? - -Answer--Yes. - -Question--Go on and state if you know where you met him and at what -time. - -Answer--I met him in Greeley, Colorado, two or three years ago. After -that I heard that he got an appointment as Indian Agent somewhere out -west. - -Question--Did you ever hear anything of him after that? - -Answer--Nothing whatever. - -Question--Did the account of the White River massacre that you read in -the _Age_ mention the death of Mr. Meeker? - -Answer--No. Is he dead? - -General Adams--Yes, he is dead. - -At that the witness gave a wild whoop of pain and anguish, fell forward -into the arms of General Adams, and is unconscious as we go to press. - -We do not wish to censure General Adams. No doubt he is conducting this -investigation to the best of his ability; but he ought to break such -news as this as gently to the Indian as possible. - - - - -SOME ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. - - -|Lock Malone, Beaver, Utah, writes as follows: - -"I am now making some important scientific experiments with Limberger -cheese as a motor, but have no data whereby to work. So new and unusual -is the motor to science, that I am unable to get anything relative to -its history. - -"1. When was Limberger cheese first discovered, and by whom? - -"2. What did he do it for anyway? - -"3. To what do you attribute the bad odor in which Limberger cheese is -held by scientists? - -"4. Looking from what may be termed a purely utilitarian standpoint, and -not allowing ourselves to be influenced by incongruous incandescence, -should you say in all respects that virtually in view of the -heterogeneous mobility of attended animalculate it might had or couldn't -possibly was?" - -ANSWER. - -1. Limberger cheese was first discovered by Galileo, floating through -space, during his studies relative to the heavenly bodies. - -This was about 1609. - -The body had, however, been floating through space for many millions of -years previous to that, as Galileo remarks in his diary that he -wasn't proud of it at all for it was evidently in a very poor state of -preservation. - -Galileo caught some of it and tamed it, but the scientific minds of that -age had not yet made the attempt to utilize it as a motor. - -The discovery was purely accidental. At about the time referred to, -Galileo had constructed his powerful telescope which would bring the -moon down so that the valleys and hills of that body were plainly -visible. One day the telescope brought down a fragment of Limberger -cheese that was floating through space. It magnified the cheese to such -an extent that Galileo could smell it distinctly. - -This was the true cause of Galileo's abandonment of the Copernican -theory and eventually of astronomy. - -3. The last answer really disposes of your third question. - -4. Grappling with the abstruse and alarmingly previous usufruct embodied -in the omnipresent, and constantly emanating and noticeably refractory -diagnosis, herein set forth, and still wandering on through the ever -changing yet constantly invariable and fluctuating, yet undeviating -perihelion of the heavenly bodies, with unprejudiced mind and unbiased -judgment. - -Arriving at the conclusion that perhaps in some cases it might not, or -yet again it might or might not, and still it might. - -Numerous Husband, writes from Jehosephat Valley as follows: - -"I am twenty-seven and am going on twenty-eight years of age. A few -years ago I joined on to the Mormon Church, and with my usual enthusiasm -begun to get married. - -"I have been getting married with more or less recklessness ever cents. -When times was dull and I was out of employment, I Would go and get -married. - -"The ofishal count shows that I am an easy and graceful marryer. - -"I now find that I am hopelessly involved financially. I had intended -this summer to build a collosle villa for my multitoodinous wife; but it -will cost me more than I can now command. - -"Besides that the surkass is now on the weigh, and I am called upon to -secure voluptuous woven wire mattress stuffed opera reserved seats, for -my household aggregation of living wonders. - -"I am willing to take all I can pay for if she will sit on a hard blue -seat with me, and let her feet dangle down; but I cannot abide by the -excessive tariff for preserved seats. - -"I love the high moral tone of the sho, and dearly love the grand -display of arenick tallent, but I cannot croll under the canvuss with my -domestic carryvan, without attracting attention. - -"When I was a boy and had not yet entered with my wild impetuous nacher -in 2 the mattrymoniall biziness, I used to carry water to the elephant, -and thus see the World's Congress of Rair and Beautyful Zoologickal -Wonders, but I cood not do that now. - -"By the time I got the Jordan carried up to the elephant, to pay my -admittance, the sho would be over and gone, and I would be more or less -left. - -"I thereupon ask in all kandor for your valyable advise on these -points?" - -ANSWER. - -The case before us is one which would evoke sympathy from the stoniest -heart. It is also one which requires a close scrutiny and cool, -deliberate investigation. - -You probably at first married a wife whom you considered a treasure, and -at once set yourself about amassing wealth of this kind until you find -that you are carrying over on your inventory year after year, a large -stock of undesirable wives which you are unable to dispose of. - -You probably thought when you first married, that there were only two -or three unmarried young ladies in the broad and beautiful universe who -were worthy of you. - -This was a fatal error, and one very common to the bran new bridegroom. - -The census will show that there are several, if not more, desirable -young ladies who are still on deck. - -I am sorry that you have placed yourself in the position you have, and -so far as possible will assist you; but these suggestions which I might -offer, could only be partially successful. - -Could you earlier in the season have given your wives say a dozen -able-bodied hens apiece, with instructions that they were to be -stimulated to the utmost by their respective owners, the egg-crop might -have assisted very materially in purchasing circus tickets with the -consequent concert tickets and vermilion lemonade. - -There are other suggestions that might be made but it is too late now -to make them. I can only offer one more balm to your deeply wounded -and disappointed heart. You might by economy and frugality, secure an -available point on the route with your mass meeting of household gods -and goddesses, where you could sit on the fence and see the elephant -meander by. - -Yours, enveloped in a large wad of dense gloom. - - - - -THE CROW INDIAN AND HIS CAWS. - - -|Early in the week five Crow chiefs passed through here on their way to -Washington. - -I went down to see them. They were as fine looking children of the -forest as I ever saw. They wore buckskin pants with overskirt of same. -The hair was worn Princesse, held in place with Frazer's axle grease and -large mother of clamshell brooch. Down the back it was braided like a -horse's tail on a muddy day, only the hair was coarser. - -When an Indian wants to crimp his hair he has to run it through a -rolling mill first, to make it malleable. Then the blacksmith of the -tribe rolls it up over the ordinary freight car coupling pin, and on the -following morning it hangs in graceful Saratoga waves down the back of -the untutored savage. - -I said to the interpreter who seemed to act as their trainer, "No doubt -these Crows are going to Washington to try and interest Hayes in their -Caws." - -He gave a low, gurgling laugh. - -"No," said he with a merry twinkle of the eye, as he laid his lip half -way across a plug of government tobacco, "as spring approaches they -have decided to go to Washington and ransack the Indian Bureau for their -gauzy Schurz." - -I caught hold of a car seat and rippled till the coach was filled with -my merry, girlish laughter. - -These Indians wear high expressive cheek-bones, and most of them have -strabismus in their feet. They had their paint on. It makes them look -like a chromo of Powhattan mashing the eternal soul out of John Smith -with a Bologna sausage. - -One of these chiefs, named Raw-Dog-with-a-Bunion-on the-Heel, I think, -chief of the Wall-eyed Skunk Eaters, looked so guileless and kind that -I approached him and said that no doubt the war-path in the land of -the setting sun was overgrown with grass, and in his mountain home very -likely the beams of peace! lit up the faces of his tribe. - -He did not seem to catch my meaning. - -I asked him if his delegation was going to Washington uninstructed. - -In reply he made a short remark something like that which the shortstop -of a match game makes when a hot ball takes him unexpectedly between the -gastric and the liver pad. - -Somehow live Indians do not look so picturesque as the steel engraving -does. The smell is not the same, either. Steel engravings of Indians do -not show the decalcomania outline of a frying-pan on the buckskin pants -where the noble red man made a misstep one morning and sat down on his -breakfast. - -A dead Indian is a pleasing picture. The look of pain and anxiety is -gone, and rest, sweet rest--more than he really needs--has come at last. -His hands are folded peacefully and his mouth is open, like the end of -a sawmill. His trials are o'er. His swift foot is making pigeon-toed -tracks in the shifting sands of eternity. - -The picture of a wild free Indian chasing the buffalo may suit some, -but I like still life in art. I like the picture of a broad-shouldered, -well-formed brave as he lies with his nerveless hand across a large hole -in the pit of his stomach. - -There is something so sweetly sad about it. There is such a nameless -feeling of repose and security on the part of the spectator. - -Some have such sensitive natures that they cannot look at the remains of -an Indian who has been run over by two sections of freight, but I can. -Somehow I do not feel that nervous distrust when I look at the red man -with his osophagus wrapped around his head and tied in a double bow -knot, that I do when he is full of the vigor of health. - -When a train of cars has jammed his thigh-bone through his diaphragm and -flattened his head out like a soup plate, I feel then that I can trust -him. I feel that he may be relied upon. I consider him in the character -of ghastly remains as a success. He seems at last so in earnest and as -though he could be trusted. - -When the Indian has been mixed up so that the closest scrutiny cannot -determine where the head adjourns and the thorax begins, the scene is so -suggestive of unruffled quiet and calm and gentle childlike faith that -doubt and distrust and timidity and apprehension flee away. - - - - -THE NUPTIALS OP DANGEROUS DAVIS. - - -|On the morning on which Adam Forepaugh entered the city of Laramie, and -with a grand array of hump-backed dromedaries, club-footed elephants, -and an uncalled-for amount of pride, and pomp, and circumstance, -captured the town, Dangerous Davis, clad in buckskin and glass beads, -and ornamented with one of Smith & Wesson's brass-mounted, self-cocking, -Black Hills bustles, entered his honor's office, and walking up to the -counter where the Judge deals out justice to the vagabond tenderfoot, -and bankrupt non resident, as well as to the law-defying Laramite, -called for $5.00 worth of matrimony. - -On his arm leaned the fair form of the one who had ensnared the heart of -the frontiersman, and who had evidently gobbled up the manly affections -of Dangerous Davis. She was resplendent in new clothes, and a pair of -Indian moccasins, and when she glided up to the centre of the room, the -casual observer might have been deceived into the belief that she was -moving through the radiant atmosphere like an $11.00 Peri, if it had -not been for the gentle patter of her moccasin as it fell upon the floor -with the sylph-like footfall of the prize elephant as he moves around -the ring to the dreamy strains of "Old Zip Coon." A large "filled" ring -gleamed and sparkled on her brown hand, and vied in splendor with a -large seed-wart on her front finger. The ends of her nails were draped -in the deepest mourning, and as she leaned her head against the off -shoulder of Dangerous Davis, the ranche butter from her tawny locks made -a deep and lasting impression on his buckskin bosom. - -At this auspicious moment His Honor entered the room, with a green -covered German almanac for 1852 and a copy of Robinson Crusoe under his -arm, and as he saw the young thing who was about to unite herself to the -bold, bad man from Bitter Creek, he burst into tears, while Judge Blair, -who had adjourned the District Court in order to witness the ceremony, -sat down behind the stove and sobbed like a child. At this moment -William Crout, who has been married under all kinds of circumstances and -in eleven different languages, entered the room and inspired confidence -in the weeping throng. - -Dangerous Davis changed his quid of tobacco from one side of his amber -mouth to the other, spat on his hands, and asked to see the Judge's -matrimonial price list. The Judge showed him some different styles, out -of which Dangerous Davis selected the kind he wanted. - -By this time about one hundred and thirteen men, who had been waiting -around the court room during the past week in order to be drawn as -jurymen, had crowded in to witness the ceremony. - -After all the preliminaries had been gone through with, the Judge -commenced reading the marriage service out of a copy of the Clown's -Comic Song Book. When he asked if anyone present had any objections to -the proceedings, Price, from force of habit, rose and said, "I object;" -but Dangerous Davis caressed his brass-mounted Grecian bend, and Price -withdrew the objection. Everybody admitted Price's good judgment, under -the circumstances, in withdrawing the objection. - -After the usual ceremony, the Judge put the bridegroom through some -little initiations, instructed him in the grand hailing signs, grips, -passwords and signals, swore him to support the Constitution of the -United States, pronounced the benediction on the newly-wedded pair, and -the ceremony closed with an extemporaneous speech by Judge Brown and -profound silence and thoughtfulness on the part of Brockway, as he -reflected upon the dangers which constantly surround us. - -Dangerous Davis mounted his broncho, and tying his new wife on behind -him on the saddle with an old shawl strap, plunged his spurs into the -panting sides of his calico colored steed, and in a few moments was -flying over the green plains, while the mountain breeze caught up the -oleaginous saffron-hued tresses of the bride and in wild glee mingled -them with the broncho's sorrel tail, and tossed them to the four winds -of heaven. - - - - -THE HOLIDAY HOG. - - -|Dear reader, did you ever go along past the market these cold December -mornings and study the expression of the frozen holiday hog as he -stands at the door with his mouth propped open by a chip, and the last -hardened outlines of a diabolical smile lingering about the whole face? -Did it ever occur to you that he has ways like Charles Francis Adams? - -And yet he was not always thus--a cold, hard, immovable pork statue. -Once he was the pride of some Nebraska home. He was petted and caressed -no doubt, and had more demoralized melon rinds, and cold potatoes, -and dish water than he actually needed. But think of it, gentle, -kind-hearted reader; he has been torn from those he loved, and butchered -to make a Caucasian holiday; snatched from the home of his youth, and -frozen into a double and twisted post mortem examination. Perhaps, dear -reader, you have never had to stand as a model for the picture of the -man in the front of the almanac, who looks like the victim of a buzz -saw, with the various members of the Zodiac family floating around him. -If you have not, and we will take your word for it, you cannot fully -realize the feelings of the Nebraska hog on a December day, without a -stitch of clothes to his back. - - - - -SOME CENSUS CONUNDRUMS. - - -```It was in the prime of summer time, - -```An evening calm and cool--= - - -|When the census enumerator came to the sanctity of my home, and opened -a valise which contained a large duodecimo volume, and about nine -gallons of brand new interrogation points. - -He opened his note book, which was about the size of the White River -Reservation, and proceeded to get acquainted. I thought at first that he -had come from Chicago to interview me about the Presidential convention, -and get my views. This was not the case, however. - -I think he is going to write my biography and sell it at $2.00 each. - -I gave him all the information I could, and telegraphed to my old -Sabbath School Superintendent at home for more. - -Among other little evidences of his morbid curiosity, I will give the -following: - -When were you born, and looking calmly back at this important epoch in -your life, do you regret that you took the step? - -If yes, state to what extent and under what circumstances? - -Do you remember George Washington, and if so to what amount? - -What is your fighting weight? - -Who struck Billy Patterson? - -Did you ever have membranous croup, and what did you do for it? - -Do you keep hens, or do you lavish your profanity on those of your -neighbors? - -Have any of your ancestors ever been troubled with ingrowing nails, or -blind staggers? - -What is your opinion of rats? - -Are you a victim to rum or other alcoholic stimulants, and if so, at -what hour do you usually succumb to the potent enemy? - -Would you have any scruples in asking the enumerator to join you in -wrestling with man's destroyer at that hour? - -Do you eat onions? - -Which side do you lie on while sleeping? - -Which side do you lie on during a political campaign? - -What is the chief end of man? - -Are you single, and if so what is your excuse? Who will care for mother -now? - - - - -THE GENTLE POWER OF A WOMAN'S INFLUENCE. - - -|Cummins City is still a crude metropolis. Society has not yet arrived -at the white vest and lawn sociable period there. There is nothing to -hamper any one or throw a tiresome restraint around him. You walk up and -down the streets of the camp without feeling that the vigilant eye of -the policeman is upon you, and when you register at the leading hotel -the proprietor don't ask how much baggage you have, or insist upon it -that your valise ought to be blown up with a quill to give it a robust -appearance. - -Speaking of this hotel, however, brings to my mind a little incident -which really belongs in here. There are two ladies at this place, the -only ones in the city limits, if my memory serves me. One of these -ladies owns a lot of poles or house logs which were, at the time -of which I speak, on the dump, as it were, ready to be used in the -construction of a new cabin. - -It seems that some of the prospectors of the corporation, without -the fear of God or the Common Council of Cummins City, had been -appropriating these logs from time to time until out of a good, fair -assortment there remained only a dejected little pile of "culls." The -owner had watched with great annoyance the gradual disappearance of -her property from day to day, and it made her lose faith in the final -redemption of all mankind. She became cynical and misanthropical, lost -her interest in the future, and became low spirited and unhappy. - -One day, however, after this thing had proceeded about far enough she -went to her trunk, and taking out the large size of navy revolver, the -kind that plows up the vitals so successfully and sends so many Western -men to their long home. Then she went out to where a group of men had -scattered themselves out around camp to smoke. - -She wasn't a large woman at all, but these men respected her. Though -they were only rough miners there in the wilderness they recognized that -she was a woman, and they recognized it almost at a glance, too. There -she was alone among a wild group of men in the mountains, far from the -protecting arm of the law and the softening influences of metropolitan -life, and yet the common feeling of gallantry implanted in the masculine -breast was there. - -She indicated with a motion of her revolver that she desired to call the -meeting to order. There seemed to be a general anxiety on the part of -every man present to come to order just as soon as circumstances would -permit. Then she made a short speech relative to the matter of house -logs, and suggested that unless a certain number of those articles, now -invisible to the naked eye, were placed at a certain point, or a certain -amount of kopecks placed on file with the chairman of the meeting within -a specified time, that perdition would be popping on Main Street in -about two and one-half ticks of the chronometer. - -There didn't seem to be any desire on the part of the meeting to -amend the motion or lay it on the table. Although it was arbitrary and -imperative, and although an opportunity was given for a free expression -of opinion, there didn't seem to be any desire to take advantage of it. - -A committee of three was appointed to carry out the suggestions of the -chair, and in about half an hour, the house logs and kopecks having -been placed on deposit at the places designated, the meeting broke up, -subject to the call of the chairman. - -It was not a very long session, but it was very harmonious--very -harmonious and very orderly. There was no calling for the previous -question or rising to a point of order. The pale-faced men who composed -the convention did not look to the casual observers as though they had -come there to raise points for debate over parliamentary practice. They -kept their eye on the speaker's desk and didn't interrupt each other or -struggle to see who would get the floor. - -It is wonderful this inherent strength of weakness, as I might say, -which enables a woman amid a throng of reckless men to command their -respect and obedience sometimes where main strength and awkwardness would -not avail. - - - - -THE NATIVE INBORN SHIFTLESSNESS OF THE PRAIRIE DOGS. - - -|I had read in my Fourth Reader about prairie dogs, and I thought, -according to Washington Irving, that they knew more than a Congressman. -He says a great deal about the sagacity and general mental acumen of the -prairie dog, but I don't just exactly somehow seem to see where it comes -in. - -If it be an indication of shrewdness and forethought to establish a -village nine hundred miles from a railroad, wood, water and grub, and -live on alkali and moss agates and wander down the vista of time without -a square meal, then the prairie dog is beyond the barest possibility of -doubt, keen and shrewd to a wonderful degree. But if instinct or animal -sagacity be reckoned according to the number and amount of creature -comforts afforded within a given space, I have a cow in my mind that -will double discount all the chuckle-headed, cactus eating prairie dogs -west of the Missouri. - -I do not wish to say anything relative to Mr. Irving's opinion of the -prairie dog which would not be perfectly respectful, for I learn with -great sorrow that Mr. Irving is dead, but I do think that there is -hardly an animal in the entire arcana of nature that will not beat the -prairie dog two to one as a provider for his family or himself. - -I have an old hen at my home here who certainly approximates very -closely to my ideal of an irreclaimable fool that has grown childish -with old age, and outside of the Democratic party perhaps she is -entitled to distinction. But even she has lucid intervals, and she -hasn't yet fallen to where she would willingly take up a home under the -desert land act like a prairie dog. - - - - -ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. - - -|The following answers to correspondents contain a great deal of useful -information, and I publish them in order to avoid the constant annoyance -of writing the same in substance to so many inquiring friends. - -"Sweet Sixteen" writes from "Hold-up Hollow." - -I am betrothed to a noble youth from Rice Lake, Minnesota, but he seems -too have soured on his betroth. - -"At first he seemed to love me according to Gunter, but he has grown -cold. About the first of the round-up he went away, and I soon afterward -heard that he was affianced to another. - -"I understand that he says I am not of noble lineage enough for him. It -is true. I may not be a thorough-bred, but I have a pure, loving nature, -which is now running to waste. The name of my beloved is De Courtney Van -D'Edbeete. He comes from the first families, and O, I love him so! - -"Can you tell me what to do? - -"Sweet Sixteen." - -Answer.--Yes, I can tell you what to do. I have been there some, too. If -you will only do as I tell you, you are safe. - -You must win him back. I think you can easily do so. - -Select a base-ball club of about the weight you can handle easily, and -then go to him and win him back. - -You are too prone to give up easily. Do not be discouraged. - -All will yet be well. - -He may think now that you are not of noble blood but you can make him -change his mind. Go to him with the love light in your eye and put a -triangular head on him with your base-ball club, and tell him that he -does not understand the cravings of your nature. Drive him into the -ground and sit down on him, and then tell him that you are nothing but a -poor, friendless girl, and need some one to cling to. Then you can cling -to him. All depends upon how successful you are as a clinger. - -I see at a glance that De Courtney needs to be flattened out a few -times. Do not kill him, but bring him so near to the New Jerusalem that -he can see the dome of the court house, and he will gradually come back -to you and love you, and your life will be one long golden dream of -never-fading joy, and De Courtney will wring out the colored clothes for -you and help you do the washing, and he will stay at home evenings and -take care of the children while you go to prayer meeting, and he will -not murmur when you work off an inexpensive meal of cold rice and -fricasseed codfish on him. - -If he gets to feeling independent, and puts on the old air of defiance, -you can diet him on cold mush and mackerel till he will not feel -so robust, and then you can reason with him again, and while he -is recovering you can take your baseball club and your noble -self-sacrificing love, and win him back some more. - -"Lalla Rookh" writes from Waukegan, Illinois, as follows to wit: - -"My classmates and I have had quite a serious discussion recently, on -several questions of table etiquette, and we have finally agreed to -leave the matter with you. - -"First--If one is asked to say grace at the table, and does not wish to -do so, or is not familiar with the forms, what should he do? - -"Second--If one has anything in his mouth, or gets any foreign substance -like a piece of bone or a seed in his mouth, how should he remove it, -and what is the proper thing to do with it? - -"Third--Would you kindly add a few general rules of table etiquette, -which would be useful to the many admirers of your classic style?" - -Answer--It would be hazardous for a gentleman unaccustomed to asking -grace at the table to attempt it, unless he be a naturally fluent -extemporeaneous speaker. - -It is more difficult for one unacquainted with it, than to address -a Sabbath school, or write a letter accepting the nomination for -President. - -It is, therefore, preferable to say in a few terse remarks that you are -profoundly grateful for the high compliment, but that your health will -not admit of its acceptance. - -Second--Care should be used while at table not to get large foreign -substances like hair-pins, soup-bones, or clothespins into the mouth -with food, as it naturally requires some little _sang froid_ and tact to -remove them. One accustomed to the mysteries of parlor-magic may slide -the articles into his sleeve while coughing, and thence into the coat -pocket of his host, thus easily getting himself out of an unpleasant -situation, and at the same time producing roars of laughter at the -expense of the host. - -If, however, you are not familiar with sleight of hand, you may take in -a full breath, and expel the object across the room under the whatnot, -where it will not be discovered until you have gone away. - -I will add a few general rules for table etiquette, which I have learned -by actual experience to be of untold benefit to the active society man. - -First--It is proper to take the last of anything on the plate if it -comes to you, instead of declining it. It is supposed that there is more -in the house, or if not, the host may go down town and get some. Do not, -therefore, decline anything because it is the last on the dish, unless -it looks as though it wouldn't suit you. - -Second--If by mistake you get your spoon in the gravy so far that the -handle is more or less sticky, do not get ill-tempered or show your -displeasure, but draw it through your mouth two or three times, laughing -a merry laugh all the time. Do not attempt to polish it off with your -handkerchief. It might spoil your handkerchief. - -Third--In drinking wine at table do not hang your eyes out on your -cheek, or drink too fast and get it up your nose. - -Do not drain your glass perfectly dry and then try to draw in what -atmosphere there is in the room. This is not only vulgar, but it tends -to cast large chunks of three-cornered gloom over the guests. - -When you have drained your glass, do not bang it violently on the table -and ask your host "how much he is out." This gives too much of the -air of wild, unfettered freedom, and the unrestrained hilarity of the -free-lunch. - -Fourth--When you get anything in your mouth that is too hot, do not -get mad and swear, because the other guests will only laugh at you, but -remove the morsel calmly and tell the waiter to put it on ice a little -while for you. - -Fifth--When your coffee is out and you desire more, do not pound on -your cup with your spoon, but be gentle and ladylike in your demeanor, -telling some fresh little anecdote to please the guests, looking -yearningly toward the coffee urn all the while. - -Sixth--If you have to leave the table as soon as you are through, do -not jump up suddenly and upset the table, but make an original and spicy -remark about "having to eat and run like a beggar," and this will create -such a hearty laugh over your sally of wit that you can slip out, select -the best hat in the hall, and be half way home before the company can -restrain its mirth. - -There are some more good rules that I have on hand, not only relative to -the table, but the ball-room, the parlor, the croquet lawn, the train, -the church, and, in fact, almost everywhere that the society man might -be placed. These I will give the public from time to time, as the -growing demand seems to dictate. - - - - -THE SECRET OF GARFIELD'S ELECTION. - - -Headquarters in the Field,} - -September 19, 1880.} - -|As I start for Chicago to-morrow I take this opportunity to write. - -The trip so far has been one continuous ovation. I have been swinging -round the circle, leaving the flag and the constitution with the people, -and living out of a valise--and my friends--till I begin to yearn for -home. It has been my fortune to run into several Garfield meetings -during the time that I have been here, and to make short but telling -speeches for the Republican candidates. As one of the local papers very -truthfully said: - -"Mr. Nye certainly reaches the very core of the subject matter in his -admirable campaign speeches this fall. His commanding appearance and -wild, peculiar beauty win the attention of the audience even before he -says one word, and when speaking his air of candor and searching truth -secures the earnest and prayerful consideration of those before him. He -seems to supply a want long felt, and in case of Garfield's election -we have no hesitation in saying that it will be due largely to the -scorching truths and heaven-born genius of this remarkable man." - -It is a novel sensation indeed, after five years of silent suffering in -Wyoming, disfranchised and helpless, to mingle in the campaign and give -free utterance to the blood-curdling truths that have for years been -bottled up in these brain. Perhaps the people here do not deserve it, -but they need purification through suffering. - -I have one Garfield speech that I have used here a number of times -with telling effect, and which I shall turn over to the State Central -Committee when I go West. - -By taking out the front breadths, turning the overskirt and revising the -peroration, it will wear till November easily. I would insert it in this -letter only for the fact that it seems rather tame in print, owing to -the absence of gestures. - -In my public speaking most everyone who is near me seems to be forcibly -struck with my gestures. Hear what the press says. The Minneapolis -_Tribune_, speaking of my wonderful effort, concludes as follows: - -"Perhaps the most potent weapon of this campaign is the soothing, -poetical style of gesture owned and operated by William Nye. In his -speech last evening before the Young Men's Republican club, those who -were on the fence were harassed with soul-destroying doubts as to which -was most to be feared, the success of an unprincipled Democracy or the -frolicsome gestures of the speaker. The general feeling at the close of -the speech seemed to be that Minneapolis had never listened to a speech -so rich with wild, impetuous and death-dealing gesticulations before." - -The Stillwater _Lumberman_ says: - -"The speech last evening was noticeable for its grandeur of conception -and the picturesque grace of its calisthentics. The speaker seemed to -be largely made up of massive brow and limbs. When he rose and with easy -grace unrolled his speech and untangled his legs, a general smile seemed -to ripple the faces of the immense audience, but when he took a drink -of water and began to make his new style of gesture, the mirthful -manifestations gave place to a horrible apprehension of danger. Toward -the close of the speech when Mr. Nye got warmed up to his work, and -seemed to be lost in a wilderness of dissolving limbs, the police -interfered and prevented the sacrifice of human life." - -The Clear Lake _News_ of the 17th says: - -"One of the distinguishing features of the meeting held here on -Wednesday evening, under the management of the Temple of Honor, was a -short speech on temperance by Bill Nye, of Wyoming. - -"His work in the line of temperance seems to have been mainly that of -furnishing the horrible examples, so that young men might avoid the -demon of rum. - -"After the speaker got well under way and began to emphasize his -language with some gestures that he has imported at great expense for -his own use, the congregation seemed at a loss whether it would be best -as a matter of safety to flee from intemperance or the death-dealing -gestures of the speaker. - -"Mr. Nye to-day gave bonds in the sum of $500 to keep the peace, shipped -his gestures to Chicago, and will leave on the first south-bound train." - - - - -PERILS OF THE BUTTERNUT PICKER. - - -|Speaking of trains reminds me that I have been scooting around the -country lately on mixed and accommodation trains. - -They are a good style of conveyance in some respects. For instance, if a -man has a car-load of wheat that he wants to run into St. Paul with and -sell, he can have it attached to the mixed train, and then he can get -into the coach and go along with it, and attend to it personally. But -where a man's time is worth $9 a moment, as mine is, it is annoying. - -At first I couldn't get accustomed to it. I couldn't overcome my inertia -when the car started or stopped, and it kept me worn out all the time -apologizing to a corpulent old lady in the third seat from me. Had I -been given a little time to select a lady whose lap I would prefer to -sit down in, there were a dozen perhaps in the car more desirable than -this old lady, but in the hurry and agitation I always seemed to select -her. - -Finally the conductor said that kind of business had gone far enough, -and he tied me into my seat with a shawl-strap. - -The train was very long, and when it got under full head-, way it was -almost impossible to stop it at the various stations. We either stopped -out in the country prematurely or passed the station at the rate of nine -miles a minute, and then repented and came back. I was struck with the -similarity of the first five or six towns on the line and spoke of it to -a friend who accompanied me. - -It seemed to me that Clarksville, Mapleton, Eldorado Junction, Pine -Grove and Brookville had been planned by the same architect, but -my friend only laughed and showed me that we had been switched and -side-tracked for two or three hours at the first-named place. - -We stopped in the woods once and I went out after butternuts. - -It was a lovely autumn day, and after the thick nutritious air of the -car, it was paradise to get out into the forest, where the fresh, sweet -odor of the falling leaves was everywhere, and the hush of nature's -annual funeral checked the thoughtless word and noisy laughter of the -invader. - -I wandered on, thinking of the brevity and comparative unimportance of -our human life. How short the race we run, and how unsatisfactory our -achievements at last. How like the leaves of the forest we spring forth -in the early summer of our existence, nod pleasantly to our fellows a -few brief mornings, and then die. - -Thoughtlessly and aimlessly I had wandered on until I came to a large -butternut, which I climbed with the old and almost forgotten enthusiasm -of boyhood. At the top I tried some of my old and difficult tricks, and -just as the train moved silently away I was going through the difficult -and dangerous act of hanging to the upper limb of a butternut tree -by the seat of the pants, and waiting patiently for the bough or the -cassimere to yield and let the artist down into the arena by force of -gravitation. - -Dear reader, did you ever go through this thrilling experience? Did -you ever feel the utter insecurity and maddening uncertainty which it -yields? If not, then these lines are not to you? - -Gently the tree swayed to and fro with the motion of the autumn breeze. -Sadly the pines were sighing like lost souls, and the dead leaves fell -softly to the ground, like the footfalls of departed spirits. I began -to wish that I could fall softly to the ground like the footfalls of -departed spirits, too. - -I began to get bored and unhappy after awhile. My feet and hands hung -in a cluster, and the position seemed strained and unnatural. I began to -yearn for society, and the comforts of a home. I mentally calculated the -distance I would have to fall, and wondered which of my bones I would -shatter the most, and what the doctor's bill would be. - -All at once I heard what seemed like a sound of smothered laughter. -It was no doubt nothing but a sound which my fevered imagination had -conjured up, aided by the torrent of blood that rushed to my head and -thumped so loudly in my ears, but it maddened me, and I summoned all -my strength in the mighty struggle to free myself. Finally, there was a -short, sharp crash, and I felt myself rapidly descending through space. -I fancied that I was an acrobat, and had fallen from the center pole -that holds up the sky. I thought I lay in the dust and sawdust of the -ring in a shapeless mass; and over all, and above all, there was the -maddening sensation that my wardrobe was not complete. In my tortured -imagination I could hear demoniac laughter, and occasional words of -derision. They became more pronounced and distinct at last, and I -fancied I heard one of these grinning imps saying: - -"How peaceful he looks, and how young and fair. See how carelessly he -has inserted his nose in the moist earth. He must have suffered a good -deal through life, and yet his face is calm and happy in its expression. -His general appearance is that of perfect rest, and the glad fruition of -every hope. - -"Let us go up into the tree and get the rest of his remains, and send -them all home together." - -This last speaker reminded me of the conductor, and the similarity -struck me even in my trance. Slowly I opened my eyes. It was he. I -almost wished that the fall had killed me. I did not fall from the tree -to be humorous, but if I had I should have considered it the crowning -triumph of an eventful career. - -Most everyone from the train was there, and several from the nearest -towns along the line. I bowed my thanks in silence, and backed over -to the car. I got aboard and sat down. I found that I attracted less -attention when I was sitting down, and I never cared so little for -public notice in my life as I did that day. - -It seems that the train had gone away some distance, but when it got -by itself it remembered that I was not on board, and the peanut boy -remembered seeing me get off at this point. So, as the train was already -two weeks and four days behind, the conductor decided to go back. -He says now that he does not regret it. He says that the life of a -conductor at the best has but few bright spots in it, and the oases -along the desert which he treads are widely separated, but he told me -with tears in his eyes that Providence had made me the humble instrument -for great good, and he felt grateful to me. - -When he breaks out into a glad ripple of childish laughter now without -any apparent cause, he takes a piece of checked cassimere out of his -pocket and explains how he got it, and tells the whole story to his -friends, so there are a great many people along that line of travel who -know me by reputation although they have never seen me. - - - - -A WORD OR TWO ABOUT THE SWALLOW. - - -|Lately I have made some valuable discoveries relative to ornithology, -and I will give some of them to the public, for I love to shed -information right and left, like a Normal school. - -When the soft south wind began to kiss our cheeks, and the horse-radish -and North Park prospector began to start, the swift-winged swallows drew -near to my picturesque home on East Fifth street, and I hoped with a -great, anxious, throbbing hope, that they would build beneath the Gothic -eaves of my $200 ranche. - -I would take my guitar at the sunset hour, and sit at my door in a -camp-chair, with the fading glory of the dying day bathing me in a flood -of golden light, and touching up my chubby form, and I would warble, -"When Sparrows Build," an old solo in J, which seems to fit my voice, -and the swallows would flit around me on tireless wing, and squeak, and -sling mud over me till the cows came home. - -This thing had gone on for several days, and the little mud houses under -the eaves were pretty near ready, and in the meantime the spring bed bug -had come with his fragrant breath, and turpentine, and quicksilver, and -lime, and aquafortis, and giant-powder, and a feather, has made my home -a howling wilderness, that smelled like a city drug store. - -But it didn't kill the bugs. It pleased them. They called a meeting and -tendered me a vote of thanks for the kind attentions with which they had -been received. They ate all these diabolical drugs, not only on regular -days, but right along through Lent. - -I got mad and resolved to insure the house and burn it down. One evening -I felt sad and worn, and was trying to solace myself by trilling a -few snatches from Mendelssohn's "Wail," written in the key of G for a -baritone voice. A neighbor came along and stopped to lean over the gate, -and drink in the flood of melody which I was spilling out on the evening -air. When I got through and stopped to tune my guitar anew, and scratch -a warm place on my arm, he asked if I were not afraid that those -swallows would bring bed bugs to the house. - -I had heard that before, but I thought it was a campaign lie. I acted -on the suggestion, however, and taking a long pole from behind the door, -where I keep it for pictorial Bible men, I knocked down a 'dobe cottage, -and proceeded to examine it. - -It was level full of imported Merino and Cotswold and Southdown and -Early Rose and Duchess of Oldenburg and twenty-ounce Pippins and -Seek-no-further bed bugs. There were bed bugs in modest gray ulsters and -bed bugs in dregs of wine and old gold, bed bugs in ashes of roses and -beg bugs in elephants' breath, bed bugs with their night clothes on and -in morning wrappers, bed bugs that were just going on the night shift, -and bed bugs that had been at work all day and were just going to bed. - -I killed all I could and then drove the rest into a pan of coal oil. -When one undertook to get out of the pan I shot him. This conflict -lasted several days. I neglected my other business and omitted morning -prayers until there was a great calm and the swift-winged swallows -homeward flew. When these feathered songsters come around my humble cot -another spring they will meet with a cold, unwelcome reception. I shall -not even ask them to take off their things. - -I have formed the idea somehow from watching the eccentric nervous -flight of the swallow, that when he makes one of those swift flank -movements with the speed of chain lightning he must be acting from the -impulse of a large, earnest, triangular bed bug of the boarding house -variety. I may be wrong, but I have given this matter a good deal of -attention, and whether this theory be correct or not I do not care. It -is good enough for me. - - - - -LAUGHING SAM. - - -|During the past week I have experienced the pleasure of an acquaintance -with Laughing Sam, a character well known throughout the West. Samuel -Thompson was introduced to me on Tuesday last, and, although he has a -look of subdued pain and half concealed anguish, I soon found that he -was capable of exhibiting the most wild and ungovernable mirth. - -[Illustration: 9280] - -Laughing Sam is employed by Surveyor Downey, and the latter has often -told me how he wished that I could employ Sam by the month to laugh at -what I might write, so that I could be encouraged. - -After the formalities of an introduction were over, we began to tell -anecdotes in order to get Sam into a cheerful frame of mind. When -one would get tired and lay off for a rest, some other one would come -forward to the bat and tell some more humorous tales. But Sam had -evidently heard all these anecdotes, and looked disgusted and fatigued -and bored. - -Downey whispered to me that it wouldn't do; we must have something -entirely different, and that I had better fix up one of those -custom-made lies of mine, such as we used to tell at the boarding house -in '75. - -I did so with some hesitation, but Sam kindly gave me his attention and -cheered me with an occasional pleased grunt. Then I threw my whole soul -into it. I put in all the pathos of which I am capable at certain parts, -and then where it was grand and terrific I got up and sawed the air, -and where it was ludicrous I enlarged upon it till Sam's eye began to -glisten. - -By-and-by the fountains of the great deep opened, and Sam lay on the -floor a quivering mass. Sometimes we thought he was dead, but then one -leg would fly through the air and he would give a wild whoop of pain. -Then, in a lucid moment, he would try to get up, but he would fall back -again, and his lips would spasmodically relax and contract, and the air -would be filled with a wild mixture of yells and whoops and gurgles and -contortions. - -It was not what was said that made him laugh, but it was because his -time had come to indulge in a little mirth. I tried the same story -afterward on an ordinary laughter, and when I got through he was bathed -in tears. So it wasn't the story. - -When Laughing Sam looks at his watch and sees that a large amount of -mirthfulness is due he calmly puts away anything that may be near him -of a fragile nature and proceeds to laugh in a way that shakes the stars -loose in the firmament and disarranges the entire planetary world. - -This fall he has an engagement to laugh for Eli Perkins during the -lecture season. Eli is to give him half the proceeds of the lectures and -Sam has got to laugh whether he feels like it or not. - - - - -THE CALAMITY JANE CONSOLIDATED. - - -|I have one claim--at least myself and two or three other capitalists -have--which has shown itself to be very rich, but it is not for sale. We -are sinking on it now. We set a force of men at work on it two weeks -ago consisting of genial cuss from Bitter Creek. He dug a few hours in a -vertical direction, when overworked nature yielded and he went to sleep. - -I discharged the entire gang. Shortly after that at a great expense we -secured a day shift by the name of O'Toole. He is Greek I think. - -He is still at work, though he found it very difficult to use the long -handle shovel at first. He insisted on pouring the dirt down the back -of his neck and then climbing out of the shaft with it and undressing -himself with a gentle repose of manner which indicated that he had -perfect command of himself and knew that his time was going right on all -the same. - -Still there are drawbacks about this style of mining. The work does not -progress as rapidly as the present rush and hurry and turmoil of the -American people seem to demand. - -Two weeks ago the perilous undertaking of sinking this shaft to a depth -of ten feet in a perpendicular direction was begun, and although we have -shipped several mule loads of the choicest grub, consisting of bacon -in large packages done up in corn-colored overshirts and XXX Nebraska -flour, yet the top of Mr. O'Tool's head is visible to the naked eye from -a considerable distance as he stands in the shaft. - -Occasionally the Count De O'Toole fancies that he has been bitten by a -tarantula, and the stockholders of the Calamity Jane Consolidated have -to ship a large lunch basket with a willow cover to it and a cork in the -top in order to counteract the poison that is rankling in his system. - - - - -THE NOCTURNAL COW. - - -|With the opening up of my spring movements in the agricultural line -comes the cow. - -Laramie has about seven cows that annoy me a good deal. They work me up -so that I lose my equanimity. I have mentioned this matter before, but -this spring the trouble seems to have assumed some new features. The -prevailing cow for this season seems to be a seal-brown cow with a stub -tail, which is arranged as a night-key. She wears it banged. - -[Illustration: 8283] - -The other day I had just planted my celluloid radishes and irrigated my -turnips and sown my hunting-case summer squashes, and this cow went by -trying to convey the impression that she was out for a walk. - -That night the blow fell. The queen of night was high in the blue vault -of heaven amid the twinkling stars. All nature was hushed to repose. -The people of Laramie were in their beds. So were my hunting-case -summer squashes. I heard a stealthy step near the conservatory where my -celluloid radishes and pickled beets are growing, and I arose. - -It was a lovely sight. At the head of the procession there was a -seal-brown cow with a tail like the handle on a pump, and standing at an -angle of forty-five degrees. - -That was the cow. - -Following at a rapid gait was a bewitching picture of alabaster limbs -and Gothic joints and Wamsutta muslin night robe. - -That was me. - -The queen of night withdrew behind a cloud. - -The vision seemed to break her all up. - -Bye-and-bye there was a crash, and the seal-brown cow went home carrying -the garden gate with her as a kind of keepsake. She had a plenty -of garden gates at home in her collection, but she had none of that -particular pattern. So she wore it home around her neck. - -The writer of these lines then carefully brushed the sand off his feet -with a pillow sham and retired to rest. - -When the bright May morn was ushered in upon the busy world the radish -and squash bed had melted into chaos and there only remained some sticks -of stove wood and the tracks of a cow, interspersed with the dainty -little footprints of some Peri or other who evidently stepped about four -yards at a lick, and could wear a number nine shoe if necessary. - -Yesterday morning it was very cold, and when I went out to feed my royal -self-acting hen, I found this same cow wedged into the hen coop. O, -blessed opportunity! O, thrice blessed and long-sought revenge! - -Now I had her where she could not back out, and I secured a large picket -from the fence, and took my coat off, and breathed in a full breath. I -did not want to kill her, I simply wanted to make her wish that she had -died of membranous croup when she was young. - -While I was spitting on my hands she seemed to catch my idea, but she -saw how hopeless was her position. I brought down the picket with the -condensed strength and eagerness and wrath of two long, suffering years. -It struck the corner of the hen-house. There was a deafening crash and -then all was still, save the low, rippling laugh of the cow, as she -stood in the alley and encouraged me while I nailed up the hen-house -again. - -Looking back over my whole life, it seems to me that it is strewn with -nothing but the rugged ruins of my busted anticipations. - - - - -THE RELENTLESS GARDEN HOSE. - - -|It is now the proper time for the cross-eyed woman to fool with the -garden hose. I have faced death in almost every form and I do not know -what fear is, but when a woman with one eye gazing into the zodiac and -the other peering into the middle of next week and wearing one of those -large floppy sun bonnets, picks up the nozzle of the garden hose -and turns on the full force of the institution, I fly wildly to the -Mountains of Hepsidam. - -Water won't hurt anyone of course if care is used not to forget and -drink any of it, but it is this horrible suspense and uncertainty about -facing the nozzle of a garden hose in the hands of a cross eyed woman -that unnerves me and paralyzes me. - -Instantaneous death is nothing to me. I am as cool and collected where -leaden rain and iron hail are thickest, as I would be in my own office -writing the obituary of the man who steals my jokes. But I hate to be -drowned slowly in my good clothes and on dry land and have my dying gaze -rest on a woman whose ravishing beauty would drive a narrow-gauge mule -into convulsions and make him hate himself to death. - - - - -A WAIL. - - -_To the Editor of the Bass Drum_: - -I appeal to the charity of more favored sisters of the east, who live in -an atmosphere of music to throw a crumb of comfort to one who lives -in the wilderness and has, in the past ten years, heard positively no -music. - -I want a list of contralto songs for the voice, compass two octaves G, -in bass clef to G, above the line, treble. I should also like a list -of piano solos, third or fourth grade, the Trauemerei order of music -preferred. I will make any compensation desired, and forever bless my -friends in need. No Name. - -It is pretty sad to suffer along for ten years and not hear any music. -It must seem dull and quiet, especially to one who has lived in an -atmosphere of music. Ten years with no one at hand to churn up the -atmosphere occasionally with something extending "from G in bass clef to -G above the line treble" is a long while. But here in the "wilderness" -we have to squeeze along the best way we can. We can't go and hear -Ole Bull every two weeks here. Sitting Bull is about as near as we can -approximate to the Bull family. It is pretty tough, and there is no -denying it. - -Speaking about crumbs of comfort, however, if "No Name" will drop around -to the _Bass Drum_ office, say about 12:30 to-morrow, we will attend to -the crumb business. We do not, as a general rule, warble much, but if -she will come around at that hour we will trill two or three little -olios for "one who lives in the wilderness, and has in the past ten -years heard positively no music." If we had known that she was starving -along that way without five cents' worth of music to lay her jaw to, we -would have hunted her up and given her a blast or two. There's nothing -mean about us. We may be rough and perhaps impulsive at times, but we -will never hush our merry lay so long as anybody is suffering. Always -come right to us when hungry for music. - - - - -THE GREAT, HORRID MAN RECEIVETH NEW YEAR CALLS. - - -In my Boudoir, Dec. 20, 1879. - - -|New Year's Day will be Leap Year, and the ladies want to make calls. - -The masculine man will, therefore, have to receive. Some of us will club -together at private houses and receive, while others will "hire a hall" -and sling a great deal of agony, no doubt. I shall be at home to some -extent. I shall wear my organdy, looped up with demi-overskirt of -the same, and three-ply lambrequins of Swiss, with corded edges and -button-holes of elephant's breath cut plain. My panier is down at the -machine shop now and will be done in a few days. I shall be assisted by -Superintendent Dickinson and First Assistant Postmaster General Spalding -of the Laramie post-office department, and the grand difficulty will no -doubt occur at the residence of the latter. - -Mr. Dickinson will wear a lavender _moire antique_ with all wool -underclothes. The costume will be draped on the side with bevel pinions, -and looped back with English button-holes, and cut low in the neck. - -Mr. Spalding will wear a cream-colored walking suit with train No. 4. He -will also wear buttons with buttonholes to match. Sleeves cut Princesse, -with polished elbows of same. Boots plain with cranberry sauce. Brocaded -silk overskirt, with lemon sauce. Fifty-three button kids, fastening to -the suspenders, open back, with Italian dressing. - -I give these notes to the reporter in advance, because women are so -apt to get these things all mixed up. After we have spent so much time -constructing an elaborate wardrobe, we do not wish the journals of the -Territory to come out the next day, and make each one of us appear like -"a perfect dud." Our table will also look the nicest of any in town. -We have designed it ourselves. We have arranged the hose so that we can -play it on the dishes after we have used them, and save splashing around -in hot water between meals. We intend to feed the first three or four -delegations without doing any work on the dishes. After that we will of -course have to turn on the hose. Visitors will be made to feel perfectly -at home. Callers will be required not to spit on the floor. Parties -making calls will not be allowed to throw peanut shells in the -card-receiver, or leave their muddy articles on the piano. Callers -will please remain seated while the frigid sustenance is circulated. -No standing callers allowed. Standing collars are going out of style -anyhow. - - - - -JUST THE THING. - - -Office of The Twilight Bumble Bee. - -We have just received a copy of the Nebraska _Staats Zeitung-Tribune_ a -nice little eight page German paper, published at Grand Island, -Nebraska. We have not read it all through yet, but it is a mighty good -paper. We do not understand much German. We are a little rusty. "Zwei -glass lager" is about all the German we know, and that isn't very pure. - -But this paper we like. There is a tone about it that seems to indicate -a lofty conception of true journalism. A noble ambition to cope with -vice and the prevailing errors of the day, and to conquer ignorance and -wrong. As we said before, there are a great many things in the paper -which we fail to quite "catch on" to, owing to our ignorance of the -German language, but there is a picture of a cook stove on the eighth -page that is first-rate. It is in the English language. There is also -a picture of a wind mill, in fractured English, on the same page. It is -very correct in its sentiment, and we endorse it. - -In conclusion we will say that from what we have seen of this paper, we -are prepared to say that it meets a want long felt. It is pure in tone, -noble in politics, fearless in its attack upon the popular shortcomings -of the day, and well deserving of the hearty approval of the public. - - - - -THANKS. - - -|M. E. Post, M. C., of Cheyenne, will please accept our thanks for an -indestructible pumpkin pie, presented on the 9th inst. It is the most -durable pie that we ever wrestled with. Probably it was not picked early -enough and got too ripe. It is the first genuine cane-bottomed pie, with -patent dust damper and nickle-plated movement that we have tasted since -we came west. He says it was raised on the Laramie plains. If this be -true, we have opened up before us another resource of which we may be -justly proud. We have valuable marble quarries, but marble may be -cracked and broken. We also have mountains of iron and leads of valuable -quartz, but all these must yield to the superior strength of man. This -style of pie, however, will defy the power of mortal ingenuity, and -withstand the effacing finger of time. Men may come and men may go but -this pie will last forever. We make bold to say that when Gabriel sounds -the proclamation that time is no more, this blasted pie will stand up -without a blush and say: "Here, Gabriel, is where you get your nice, -fresh pie, and don't you forget it, either." - - - - -AN ANTI-MORMON TOWN. - - -|A Mormon missionary turned himself loose in Rawlins the other night and -attempted to proselyte the good people into getting another invoice of -wives to assist in taking off the chill of the approaching winter; but -there was a feeling in the audience that the man who represented the -church of the Latter Day Saints was a little off in addressing them, -so they went to a dealer in old and rare antiquities and purchased some -eggs that had a smell which is peculiar to eggs that have yielded to the -infirmities of age. - -The Rawlins people raised the windows on the sides of the building and -broke eleven and one-half dozen out of a possible twelve dozen of these -eggs, which had been coined in the year of the great crash. It was the -year when so many hens were not feeling well; they broke them against -the brass collar button of the orator, and they ran down in graceful -little brooklets and rivulets and squiblets and driblets overleven and -one-half dozen out of a possible twelve dozen of these eggs, which had -been coined in the year of the great crash. It was the year when so many -hens were not feeling well; they broke them against the brass collar -button of the orator, and they ran down in graceful little brooklets and -rivulets and squiblets and driblets over his white lawn tie and boiled -shirt. - -Rawlins is not strictly a Mormon town, and the lecturer who took some -clothes through in a valise the other day bound for Evanston, where he -could get them washed, was arrested by a New York detective who was sure -he had at last caught the man who had Stewart's body. - - - - -A CHRISTMAS RIDE IN JULY. - - -|I've just returned from a long ride to the Soda Lakes. - -The ride reminded me of a tour I took in July from Laramie over to -Cheyenne, two years, ago. We had experienced the pleasure of riding over -the mountain, on the Union Pacific train, and had held our breath while -crossing Dale Creek bridge, and viewed with wonder the broken billows of -granite, lying here and there at the tip-top of the mighty divide. But -some one had said that it was nothing compared with the mirth-provoking -trip by carriage across the mountains, over a fine wagon road to -Cheyenne. - -In the morning I nearly melted riding up the sandy canyon, and took off -my coat and gliding pleasantly along-alternately sang one or two low -throbs of melody, and alternately swore about the extreme heat. - -When we got nearly to the top, I thought it didn't look well for a man -to whom the American people look for so much in the future, to be riding -along the public highway without his coat, so I put it on. At the top -of the mountain I put on a linen duster and gloves. Shortly after that -I put on my overshoes and a sealskin cap. Later, I put on my buffalo -overcoat, and got out and ran behind the carriage to keep warm. - -When I got to Cheyenne, the Doctor looked me over and said that he could -save my feet because they had so much vitality, and were in such a good -state of preservation; but my ears--my pride and glory--the ears that I -had defended through the newspapers for years, and had stood up for when -all about was dark--they had to go. - -That is, part of them had to go, and there was enough left to hear -with; but the ornamental scallops and box plaiting, and frills, the -wainscoating, and royal Corinthian entablatures had to go. - - - - -EXAMINING THE BRAND ON A FROZEN STEER. - - -|A stock owner went out the other day over the divide to see how his -cattle were standing the rigorous weather, and found a large, fine steer -in his last long sleep. The stockman had to roll him over to see the -brand, and he has regretted his curiosity ever since. He told me -that the brand looked to him like a Roman candle making about 2,000 -revolutions per moment, and with 187 more prismatic colors than he -thought were in existence. Sometimes a steer is not dead but in a cold, -sleepy stupor which precedes death, and when stirred up a little and -irritated because he cannot die without turning over and showing -his brand, he musters his remaining strength and kicks the -inquisitive-stockman so high that he can see and recognize the features -of departed friends. That was the way it happened on this occasion. The -stockman fell in the branches of a pine tree on Jack Creek, not dead but -very thoughtful. He said he was near enough to hear the rush of wings, -and was just going to register and engage a room in the New Jerusalem -when he returned to consciousness. - - - - -ONION PEELIN'S. - - -|The Chinese agriculturalist does his hair up in a French twist because -he don't want to have his cue cumber the ground. - -Almost every day there is a new liver pad or lung pad or kidney pad, -but in its way nothing has succeeded in giving instant relief like the -Leadville foot pad. - -A man can scratch his back against a hat rack or a whatnot for a year or -two, and attribute it to buckwheat cakes, but after he has gone on this -way for about seven years, the public and his friends begin to lose -faith in him. - -A handsome competence is in store for the man who will invent a neat, -durable and portable pie opener that will successfully reach the true -inwardness of the average box-toed, Bessemer steel, gooseberry pie which -the hired girl casts in her kitchen foundry. - -Along the dreary pathway of this cloud-environed life of ours there -is no joy so pure, no triumph so complete, no success so fraught with -rapture, as that of the female artiste who hangs on the flying trapeze -by her chilblain and kisses her hand to the perspiring throng. - -It is not the disheartening sense of failure alone which makes a man -swear in the stilly night, nor yet the fact that he has slapped his -alabaster limb harder than he needed to, but it is the trifling and -heartless way in which the mosquito kisses his hand to the audience, and -soars away humming a Tyrolean lay. - -Putting up stovepipe is easy enough, if you only go at it right. In the -morning, breakfast on some light, nutritious diet, and drink too cups of -hot coffee. After which put on a suit of old clothes--or new ones if you -can get them on time--put on an old pair of buckskin gloves, and when -every thing is ripe for the fatal blow, go and get a good hardware man -who understands his business. If this rule be strictly adhered to, the -gorgeous eighteen-karat-stem-winding profanity of the present day may be -very largely diminished, and the world made better. - -It is strange that the human heart is so easily influenced by the change -of seasons, and although spring succeeds winter, and summer follows upon -the heels of spring, just as it did centuries ago, yet the transition -from one to the other is ever new and pleasing, and the bosom is -gladdened with the cheering assurance of spring, or the promise of the -coming summer time, with its wealth of golden days, its cucumbers and -vinegar, its green corn, its string beans, its baseball, its mammoth -circus, its fragrant flowers, and its soda water flavored with syrup -from a long-necked, wicker-covered bottle, just as it was in the days of -Pharoah, and Hannibal, and Andrew Jackson. - - - - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Bill Nye and Boomerang, by Bill Nye - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BILL NYE AND BOOMERANG *** - -***** This file should be named 51959-8.txt or 51959-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/9/5/51959/ - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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