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diff --git a/old/51920.txt b/old/51920.txt deleted file mode 100644 index fc0053a..0000000 --- a/old/51920.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3513 +0,0 @@ -Project Gutenberg's The Old Soak, and Hail And Farewell, by Don Marquis - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: The Old Soak, and Hail And Farewell - -Author: Don Marquis - -Illustrator: Sterling Patterson - -Release Date: May 1, 2016 [EBook #51920] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE OLD SOAK *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - - - - - - - - -THE OLD SOAK, and HAIL AND FAREWELL - -By Don Marquis - -Line Drawings By Sterling Patterson - -Garden City, N. Y., and Toronto - -Doubleday, Page K Company - -1921 - -[Illustration: 0010] - -[Illustration: 0011] - - - -ACKNOWLEDGMENT - -The author thanks the Publishers of the New York Sun, in which the -following sketches and verses originally appeared, for permission to -reissue them in book form. - - - - - -OLD SOAK - - - - -CHAPTER ONE--Introducing the Old Soak - - -[Illustration: 0021] - -OUR friend, the Old Soak, came in from his home in Flatbush to see us -not long ago, in anything but a jovial mood. - -"I see that some persons think there is still hope for a liberal -interpretation of the law so that beer and light wines may be sold," -said we. - -"Hope," said he, moodily, "is a fine thing, but it don't gurgle none -when you pour it out of a bottle. Hope is all right, and so is Faith... -but what I would like to see is a little Charity. - -"As far as Hope is concerned, I'd rather have Despair combined with a -case of Bourbon liquor than all the Hope in the world by itself. - -"Hope is what these here fellows has got that is tryin' to make their -own with a tea-kettle and a piece of hose. That's awful stuff, that is. -There's a friend of mine made some of that stuff and he was scared of -it, and he thinks before he drinks any he will try some of it onto a -dumb beast. - -"But there ain't no dumb beast anywheres handy, so he feeds some of -it to his wife's parrot. That there parrot was the only parrot I ever -knowed of that wasn't named Polly. It was named Peter, and was supposed -to be a gentleman parrot for the last eight or ten years. But whether -it was or not, after it drank some of that there home-made hootch Peter -went and laid an egg. - -"That there home-made stuff ain't anything to trifle with. - -"It's like amateur theatricals. Amateur theatricals is all right for an -occupation for them that hasn't got anything to do nor nowhere to go, -but they cause useless agony to an audience. Home-made booze may be all -right to take the grease spots out of the rugs with, but it ain't for -the human stomach to drink. Home-made booze is either a farce with no -serious kick to it, or else a tragedy with an unhappy ending. No, sir, -as soon as what is left has been drank I will kiss good-bye to the -shores of this land of holiness and suffering and go to some country -where the vegetation just naturally works itself up into liquor in a -professional manner, and end my days in contentment and iniquity. - -"Unless," he continued, with a faint gleam of hope, "the smuggling -business develops into what it ought to. And it may. There's some -friends of mine already picked out a likely spot on the shores of Long -Island and dug a hole in the sand that kegs might wash into if they was -throwed from passing vessels. They've hoisted friendly signals, but so -far nothing has been throwed overboard." - -He had a little of the right sort on his hip, and after refreshing -himself, he announced: - -"I'm writing a diary. A diary of the past. A kind of gol-dinged -autobiography of what me and Old King Booze done before he went into the -grave and took one of my feet with him. - -"In just a little while now there won't be any one in this here -broad land of ours, speaking of it geographically, that knows what an -old-fashioned barroom was like. They'll meet up with the word, future -generations of posterity will, and wonder and wonder and wonder just -what a saloon could have resembled, and they will cudgel their brains in -vain, as the poet says. - -"Often in my own perusal of reading matter I run onto institutions that -I would like to know more of. But no one ever set down and described 'em -because everyone knowed all about them in the time when the writing was -done. Often I thought I would 'a' liked to knowed all about them Hanging -Gardens of Babylon, for instance, and who was hanged in 'em and what -for; but nobody ever described 'em, as fur as I know." - -"Have you got any of it written?" we asked him. "Here's the start of -it," said he. - -We present it just as the Old Soak penned it. - - - - -CHAPTER TWO--Beginning the Old Soak's History of the Rum Demon - - -I WILL hereinunder set down nothing but what is the truth, the whole -truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God. Well, in the old days, -before everybody got so gosh-amighty good, barrooms was so frequent that -nobody thought of setting down their scenery and habits. - -Usually you went into it by a pair of swinging doors that met in the -middle and didn't go full length up, so you could see over the top of -the door, and if any one was to come into one door you didn't want -to have talk with or anything you could see him and have a chance to -gravitate out the door at the other end of the barroom while he was -getting in. But you couldn't see into the windows of them as a habitual -custom, because who could tell whether a customer's family was going -to pass by and glance in. Well, in your heart you knew you was doing -nothing to be ashamed of, but all families even in the good old days -contained some prohibition relations. The Good Book says that flies in -the ointment send forth a smell to heaven. Well, you felt more private -like with the windows fixed thataway. They was painted, soaped, and some -stained glassed. - -It had its good sides and it had its bad sides, but I will say I have -been completely out of touch, just as much as if I was a native of some -hot country, with all kinds of morality and religions of all sorts, ever -since the barrooms was shut up. From childhood's earliest hours religion -has been one of my favourite studies, and I never let a week pass -without I get down on my knees some time or another and pray about -something any more than I would let a week pass without I washed all -over. It was early recollections of a good woman that kept me religious, -and I hope I do not have to say anything further to this gang. Well, -in spite of my religion I never went to church none. Because it ain't -reasonable to suppose that a man could keep awake. He thinks, "What if -I should nod," and he does. So that always throwed me back onto the -barrooms for my religion. - -Well, then, the first thing you know when you are up by the free lunch -counter eating some of that delicatessen in comes a girl and says to -contribute to the cause. Well, "What cause are you?" you ask her. Well, -she says, Salvation Army or the Volunteers, or what not, and so forth, -as the case may be, or maybe she was boosting for some of these new -religions that gets out a paper and these girls go around and sell it -for ten cents, which they always set a date for the world coming to an -end. Well, then, you got a line on her religion, and you was ashamed -not to give her a quarter, for you had spent a dollar for drinks already -that morning. And then all through the day there was other religions -come in, one after another, or maybe the same religion over and over -again. - -Well, then, you kept in touch with religions and it made a better man -out of you, and along about evening time when you figured on going home -you felt like it wouldn't be right to tell any pervarications to your -wife about how you come to be so late, so you just said over the phone: -"I am starting right away. I stopped into Ed's place to play a game of -pool after work and met a fellow I used to know. I couldn't get away -from him and I was too thoughtful of you to insist for him to come home -to dinner so he insisted I ought to have a drink with him for old -time's sake." And if it hadn't been for being in contact with different -religions all day you would of lied outright to your wife and felt mean -as a dog about it when she found you out. - -Well, then, it needs no further proof that the abolishment of the saloon -has taken away the common people's religions from them, but it is my -message to tell just what the barrooms was like and not to criticize the -laws of the land, even when they are dam-foolish as so many of them are. -So I will confine myself to describing the barroom and the rum demon. - -Well, I never saw much rum drunk in the places where I hung out. -Sometimes some baccardy into a cocktail, but for my part cocktails -always struck me as wicked. The good book says that the Lord started the -people right but that men had made many adventures. Well, then, I took -mine straight for the most part, except when I needed some special kind -of a pick-up in the morning. - -And the good book says not to tarry long over the wine cup, and I never -done that, neither, except a little Rhine wine in the summer time, but -mostly took mine straight. - -Well, then, to come down to describing these phantom places over which -the raven says nevermore but the posterity of the future may wish to -have its own say so about. Well, there was a long counter always kept -wiped off, not like these here sticky soda-water counters which the boys -and girls back of them always look sticky, too, and their sleeves look -sticky and the glasses is sticky, but in a decent barroom the counter -was kept swiped off clean and selfrespectable. - -And there was a brass rail with cuspidors near to it, if you wanted to -cuspidate it was handy right there, and there's no place to hawk and -cuspidate in these here soda-water dives. Not that I ever been in them -much. All that stuff rots the lining of your stomach. As far as I am -concerned, being the posterity of a lot of Scotch ancestors, I never -liked soft stuff in my insides. - -I never drunk nothing but whiskey for comfort and pleasure, and I never -took no medicine in my life except calomel, and I always held to the -Presbyterian religion as my favourite religion because those three -things has got some kick when took inside of you. - -Well, then, to get down to telling just what these places was like, it -would surprise this generation of posterity how genteel some of them -was. Which I will come down to in my next chapter. Well, I will close -this chapter. - - - - -CHAPTER THREE--Liquor and Hennery Simms - - -[Illustration: 0030] - -I NEVER could see liquor drinking as a bad habit," said the Old Soak, -"though I admit fair and free it will lead to bad habits if it ain't -watched. - -"In these here remarks of mine, I aim to tell the truth, and nothing but -the truth, so help me Jehorsophat, as the good book says. - -"One feller I knowed whose liquor drinking led to bad habits was my old -friend Hennery Simms. - -"Every time Hennery got anyways jingled he used to fall downstairs, and -he fell down so often that it got to be a habit and you couldn't call it -nothing else. He thought he had to. - -"One time late at night I was going over to Brooklyn on the subway, and -I seen one of these here escalators with Hennery onto it moving upwards, -only Hennery wasn't riding on his feet, he was riding on the spine of -his back. - -"And when he got to the top of the thing and it skated him out onto the -level, what does Hennery do but pitch himself onto it again, head first, -and again he was carried up. - -"After I seen him do that three or four times I rode up to where Hennery -was floundering at and I ast him what was he doing. - -"'I'm falling downstairs,' says Hennery. - -"'What you doing that fur?' I says. - -"'I'm drunk, ain't I?' says Hennery. 'You old fool, you knows I always -falls downstairs when I'm drunk.' - -"'How many times you goin' to fall down these here stairs?' I ast him. - -"'I ain't fell down these here stairs once yet,' says Hennery, 'though -I must of tried to a dozen times. I been tryin' to fall down these here -stairs ever since dusk set in, but they's something wrong about 'em. - -"'If I didn't know I was drunk, I would swear these here stairs was -movin'.' - -'"They be movin',' I tells him. - -"'You go about your business,' he says, 'and don't mock a man that's -doing the best he can. In course they ain't movin'. - -"'They only looks like they was movin' to me because I'm drunk. You -can't fool me.' - -"And I left him still tryin' to fall down them stairs, and still bein' -carried up again. Which, as I remarked at first, only goes to show that -drink will lead to habits if it ain't watched, even when it ain't a -habit itself." - -"Do you have any more of your History of the Rum Demon written?" we -asked him. - -"Uh-huh," said he, and left us the second installment. - - - - -CHAPTER FOUR--The Old Soak's History--The Barroom as an Educative -Influence - - -WELL, as I said in my first installment, some 'of them barrooms was -such genteel places they would surprise you if you had got the idea that -they was all gems of iniquity and wickedness with the bartenders mostly -in clean collars and their hair slicked, not like so many of these -soda-water places, where the hair is stringy. - -Well, this is for future generations of posterity that will have never -saw a saloon, and the whole truth is to be set down, so help me God, and -I will say that it took a good deal of sweeping sometimes to keep the -floor clean and often the free lunch was approached with one fork for -several people, especially the beans. Well, it has been three or four -years even before that Eighteenth Commandment passed since free lunch -was what it once was. And some barrooms was under par. But I am speaking -of the average good class barroom, where you would take your own -children or grandchildren, as the case may be. - -They was some very kind-hearted places among them where if a man had -spent all his money already for his own good they would refuse to let -him have anything more to drink until maybe someone set them up for him. - -But to get down to brass tacks and describe what they looked like more -thoroughly I will say they was always attractive to me with those -long expensive mirrors and brass fixtures like a scene of elegance and -grandeur out of the Old Testament where it tells of Solomon in all his -glory. And if a gent would forget to be genteel after he took too much -and his money was all spent and imbue himself with loud talk or rough -language and maybe want to hit somebody and there was none of his -friends there to take charge of him often I have seen such throwed out -on their ear, for the better class places always aimed to be decent -and orderly and never to have an indecent reputation for loudness and -roughhouseness. - -Well, I will say I have not kept up with politics like I used to since -the barrooms was vanished. My eyes ain't what they used to be and -the newspapers are different from each other so who can tell what to -believe, but in the old days you could keep in touch with politics in -the barrooms. It made a better citizen out of you for every man ought -to vote for what his consciousness tells him is right and to abide in -politics by his consciousness. - -Well, closing the barroom has shut off my chance to be imbued with -political dope and who to bet on in the next election and I am not so -good a citizen as before the saloons was closed. I would not know who to -bet on in any election but I used to get straight tips and in that way -took an interest in politics which a man is scarcely to be called an -American citizen unless he does. - -Well I see everywhere where all the doctors and science sharks says to -keep in touch with outdoor sports if you want to keep young. I used to -know all about all those outdoor sports and who the Giants had bought -and what they paid for him and who was the best pitcher and what the -dope was on tomorrow's entries at Havana, but all that is taken away -from me now the saloons is closed and I got no chance to get into touch -with outdoor sports and I feel it in my health. Some of these days the -Prohibition aliments will wake up and see they have ruined the country -but then it will be too late. Taking the sports away from a nation is -not going to do it any good when the next war comes along if one does. - -Well, I promised I would describe more what they looked like. I will -tackle that in the next chapter, so I will bring this installment to a -close. - - - - -CHAPTER FIVE--Look Out For Crime Waves! - - -[Illustration: 0036] - -THEY'RE going to take our tobacco next, are they?" said the Old Soak. -"Well, me, I won't struggle none! I ain't fit to struggle. I'm licked; -my heart's broke. They can come and take my blood if they want it, and -all I'll do is ask 'em whether they'll have it a drop at a time, or the -whole concerns in a bucket. - -"All I say is: _Watch out for Crime Waves!_ I don't threaten nobody, I -just predict. If you ever waked up about 1 o'clock in the morning, -two or three miles from a store, and that store likely closed, and no -neighbour near by, and the snow drifting the roads shut, and wanted a -smoke, and there wasn't a single crumb of tobacco nowheres in the house, -you know what I mean. You go and look for old cigar and cigarette butts -to crumble into your pipe, and there ain't none. You go through all your -clothes for little mites of tobacco that have maybe jolted into your -pockets, and there ain't none. Your summer clothes is packed away into -the bottom of a trunk somewheres, and you wake your wife to find the key -to the trunk, and you get the clothes and there ain't no tobacco in them -pockets, either. - -"And then you and your wife has words. And you sit and suffer and cuss -and chew the stem of your empty pipe. By 3 in the morning there ain't -no customary crime known you wouldn't commit. By 4 o'clock you begin to -think of new crimes, and how you'd like to commit them and then make up -comic songs about 'em and go and sing them songs at the funerals of them -you've slew. - -"Hark to me: If tobacco goes next, there'll be a crime wave! Take away a -man's booze, and he dies, or embraces dope or religion, or goes abroad, -or makes it at home, or drinks varnish, or gets philosophical or -something. But tobacco! No, sir! There ain't any substitute. Why, the -only way they're getting away with this booze thing now is because -millions and millions of shattered nerves is solacing and soothing -theirselves with tobacco. - -"I'm mild, myself. I won't explode. I'm getting my booze. I know where -there's plenty of it. My heart's broke to see the saloons closed, and -I'm licked by the overwhelming righteous... but I won't suffer any -personal for a long time yet. But there's them that will. And on top of -everything else, tobacco is to go! All right, take it--but I -say solemn and warningly: _Look Out For Crime Waves!_ - -"The godly and the righteous can push us wicked persons just so far, -but worms will turn. Look at the Garden of Eden! The mammal of iniquity -ain't never yet been completely abolished. Look at the history of the -world--every once in a while it has always looked as if the pious and -the uplifter was going to bring in the millennium, with bells on -it--but something has always happened just in time and the mammal of -unrighteousness has come into his own again. I ain't threatening; I just -predict---_Look Out For Crime Waves!_ - -"As for me, I may never see Satan come back home. I'm old. I ain't long -for this weary land of purity and this vale of tears and virtue. I'll -soon be in a place where the godly cease from troubling and the wicked -are at rest. But I got children and grandchildren that'll fight against -the millennium to the last gasp, if I know the breed, and I'm going to -pass on full of hope and trust and calm belief. - -"Here," concluded the Old Soak, unscrewing the top of his pocket flask, -"here is to the mammal of unrighteousness!" - -He deposited on our desk the next installment of his History. - - - - -CHAPTER SIX--Continuing the Old Soak's History--The Barroom and the Arts - -WELL, I promised to describe what the saloon that has been banished was -like so that future generations of posterity will know what it was like -they never having seen one. And maybe being curious, which I would give -a good deal to know how they got all their animals into the ark only -nobody that was on the spot thought to write it down and figure the room -for the stalls and cages and when it comes to that how did they train -animals to talk in those days like Balaam and his ass, and Moses -knocking the water out of the rocks always interested me. - -Which I will tell the truth, so help me. It used to be this way: some -had tables and some did not. But I never was much of a one for tables, -for if you set down your legs don't tell you anything about how you -are standing it till you get up and find you have went further than you -intended, but if you stand up your legs gives you a warning from time to -time you better not have but one more. - -Well, I will tell the truth. And one thing is the treating habit was a -great evil. They would come too fast, and you would take a light drink -like Rhine wine whilst they was coming too fast and that way use up -considerable room that you could of had more advantage from if you had -saved it for something important. - -Well, the good book says to beware of wine and evil communications -corrupts a good many. Well, what I always wanted was that warm feeling -that started about the equator and spread gentle all over you till -you loved your neighbour as the good book says and wine never had the -efficiency for me. - -Well, I will say even if the treating habit was a great evil it is an -ill wind that blows nobody any good. Well, I promised to come down to -brass tacks and describe what the old-time barroom looked like. Some of -the old timers had sawdust on the floor, which I never cared much for -that as it never looked genteel to me and almost anything might be mixed -into it. - -I will tell the whole truth, so help me. And another kick I got is about -business advantages. Which you used to be lined up by the bar five or -six of you and suppose you was in the real estate business or something -a fellow would say he had an idea that such and such a section would be -going to have a boom and that started you figuring on it. Well, I missed -a lot of business opportunities like that since the barroom has been -vanished. What can a country expect if it destroys all chances a man has -got to get ahead in business? The next time they ask us for business -as usual to win a war with this country will find out something about -closing up all chances a man has to get tips on their business chances. - -Well, the good book says to laugh and grow fat and since the barroom -has been taken away, what chance you got to hear any new stories I would -like to know. Well, so help me, I said I would tell the truth, and the -truth is some of them stories was not fit to offer up along with -your prayers, but at the same time you got acquainted with some right -up-to-date fellows. Well, what I want to know is how could you blame a -country for turning into Bolshevisitors if all chance for sociability is -shut off by the government from the plain people? - -Well, the better class of them had pictures on the walls, and since they -been taken away what chance has a busy man like me got to go to a museum -and see all them works of art hand painted by artists and looking as -slick and shiny as one of these here circus lithographs. Well, a country -wants to look out what it is doing when it shuts off from the plain -people all the chance to educate itself in the high arts and hand -painting. Some of the frames by themselves must of been worth a good -deal of money. - -The Good Book says you shalt not live by bread alone and if you ain't -got a chance to educate your self in the high arts or nothing after a -while this country will get to the place where all the foreign countries -will laugh at us for we won't know good hand painting when we see -it. Well, they was a story to all them hand paintings, and often when -business was slack I used to talk with Ed the bartender about them -paintings and what did he suppose they was about. - -What chance have I got to go and buy a box to set in every night at the -Metropolitan Opera House I would like to know and hear singing. Well, -the good book says not to have anything to do with a man that ain't got -any music in his soul and the right kind of a crowd in the right kind of -a barroom could all get to singing together and furnish me with music. - -A government that takes away all its music like that from the plain -people had better watch out. Some of these days there will be another -big war and what will they do without music. I always been fond of music -and there ain't anywhere I can go that it sounds the same sort of warmed -up and friendly and careless. Let alone taking away my chance to meet up -with different religions taking away my music has been a big blow to me. - -Well, I will tell the truth so help me, it was a nice place to drop into -on a rainy day; you don't want to be setting down at home on a rainy -day, reading your Bible all the time. But since they been closed I had -to do a lot of reading to get through the day somehow and the wife -is too busy to talk to me and the rest of the family is at work or -somewheres. - -Well, another evil is I been doing too much reading and that will rot -out your brains unless of course it is the good book and you get kind -of mixed up with all them revelations and things. And you get tired -figuring out almanacs and the book with 1,000 drummer's jokes in it -don't sound so good in print as when a fellow tells them to you and I -never was much of a one for novels. What I like is books about something -you could maybe know about yourself and maybe some of them old-time -wonders of the world with explanations of how they was made. But nobody -that was on the spot took the trouble to explain a lot of them things -which is why I am setting down what the barroom was like so help me. - -Well, in the next chapter I will describe it some more or future -generations will have no notion of them without the Constitution of the -United States changes its mind and comes to its census again. - - - - -CHAPTER SEVEN--An Argument With the Old Woman - - -[Illustration: 0044] - -THE Old Woman and me had quite an argument last Sunday," said the Old -Soak. "It ended up with her turning a saucepan full of hot peas onto my -bald spot, which ain't no way to treat garden truck, with the cost of -things what they be. - -"But I won one of these here moral victories, even if she did get the -best of me and chase me out of the house. - -"It all come about over some pie we had for dinner on Sunday. It looked -like mince pie to me when she set it on the table, and I says to her why -don't she make some rhubarb pie or apple pie or something, for this is -a hell of a time of year to be having mince pie. And mince pie ain't no -good anyhow unless you put a shot of brandy or hard cider into it. She -knows I orter be careful what I put into my stomach, which is all to the -bad since I can't get the right kind of drink any more, and I told her -so. - -"'Well, then,' says she, 'this ain't mince pie. This is raisin pie.' - -"'Raisin pie!' I says, and I was shocked and scandalized. 'Raisin pie! -Good lord, woman, are you crazy? You don't mean to say you've went and -took hundreds and hundreds of good raisins and went and wasted them -thataway by puttin' 'em in a _pie!_ It's the most extravagant thing I -ever hearn tell on! Ain't you got sense enough to know that in these -days raisins ain't something you eat?' - -'"Well, what are they, then?' she says. - -'"Raisins, I told her, 'is something you make hootch out of, and you -know I'm reduced to makin' my own stuff these days. And yet here you be, -puttin' at least a quart of good raisins into a gosh-darned pie!' - -"Well, one word led to another, and, as I said, she hit me with the -peas. But I got away with that pie. I won the moral victory. I got that -pie fermentin' now, in the bottom of a cask full of grape and berry -juice and other truck I picked up here and there. No, sir, there ain't -goin' to be no raisins wasted around my house by eatin' of 'em in this -here time of need!" - -The Old Soak was silent a moment, and then he said: "This here -installment of my diary of booze takes up that very point of quarrellin' -with the Old Woman." - - - - -CHAPTER EIGHT--The Old Soak's History--More Evils of Prohibition - - -WELL, another kick I got on the abvolition of ' the barroom is the fact -that you got to stay around home so much and that naturally leads to -having a row with your wife. - -When there was barrooms my wife used to jaw me every time I come home -anyways lit up and I just let her jaw me and there wasn't any row for I -figured better let her get away with it who knows maybe she thinks she -is right about it. - -But now I stick around home a good deal of the time and it leads to -words. - -Well, she says to me, why don't you go and get a job of work of some -kind. - -Well, I tell her, mind your own business I always been a good pervider -ain't I. You have got five or six children working for you ain't you and -a man that pervides his wife with five or six children to work for her -is not going to listen to no back talk. - -Well, she says, you ought to be ashamed to loaf around home all the -time. - -Well, I says, I'm thinking up a big business deal but that's the way -with women they never understand they got to keep their mouth shut and -give a man peace and quiet to do his thinking in so he can make them a -good living all they think about is newfangled ways to spend the money -after he has slaved himself half to death making it. - -Well, she says, I ain't seen you slaving any lately. - -Well, I tells her, I done all my hard slaving when I was young and I got -a little money coming in right along from them two houses I own, and I -ain't going to work myself into the grave for no extravagant woman, and -me with a heart pappitation you can hear half a mile on a clear day. - -Well, she says, what rent money them two houses brings in don't any more -than pay for the booze you drink. - -Well, I says, you Prohibitionists done that to me. You went and made it -plumb impossible to get good liquor for any reasonable price. That there -rent money used to pay for three times the booze I drink. - -Well, she says, you oughta get a job. - -If I was to tie myself down to a job, I tells her, what chance would -I have to trade and dicker around and make little turnovers, let alone -thinking up this big business deal I am working on. - -You are a liar, she said, and if I knowed where your whiskey was hid I'd -bust every bottle and what kind of a business deal are you thinking up. - -It is an invention I says to her and you mind your own business just -because I have stood for you intrupting me for forty years is no sign I -am going to stand for it forty years more. - -You can quit any time she says and good riddance the children will keep -me and there will be one less to cook for besides being ashamed of you -before all my own friends and the nice people the children know. - -Well, I said, here I set turning over the leaves of the Bible and you -attack me that way and me trying to think up a business deal to buy you -an automobile and the pappitation in my heart that bad it shakes the -chair I am setting in and if a man with one foot in the grave can't get -any peace and quiet to read his Bible in his own home against the time -he is going to cash in then I will say that Prohibition has brought this -country to a pretty pass. - -Well, she says, what is that pappitation from but all the liquor you -drunk. - -It is from my constitution, I says, as the doctor will tell you if -it hadn't been for a little mite of stimulant now and then I would of -cashed in long ago and you would now have the life insurance money. - -Well, she says, what kind of an invention is this you claim you are -thinking up all the time? - -Yes, I says, I would see myself telling you, wouldn't I and you blabbing -it the next time a lot of them church women meets at our house and some -old church deacon getting hold of it and getting rich off of it and me -wandering the streets in destitution with the rain running down often my -beard and the end of my nose because you and the children cast me into -the street. - -Well, she says, where is that thousand dollars that my uncle Lemuel -willed to me and I give it to you for one of them inventions nearly -thirty years ago and never seen hide nor hair on it since then. - -Well, I says, that thousand dollars is gone and it went the same way as -that money I loaned to your cousin Dan when he failed in business and -would of starved to death him and his family if I hadn't come across -with the cash that is where that thousand dollars is. - -Well, that's the way it goes, until I get tired of trying to make her -see any sense and sneak out to where my stuff is hid and fill me a pint -bottle for my hip pocket and go and find a friend somewheres. - -And in just that way Prohibition is breaking up millions and millions of -homes every day. - - - - -CHAPTER NINE--Preparing for Christmas - - -[Illustration: 0050] - -CHRISTMAS," said the Old Soak, "will soon be here. But me, I ain't -going to look at it. I ain't got the heart to face it. I'm going to -crawl off and make arrangements to go to sleep on the twenty-third of -December and not wake up until the second of January. - -"Them that is in favour of a denaturized Christmas won't be interfered -with by me. I got no grudge against them. But I won't intrude any on -them, either. They can pass through the holidays in an orgy of sobriety, -and I'll be all alone in my own little room, with my memories and a case -of Bourbon to bear me up. - -"I never could look on Christmas with the naked eye. It makes me so -darned sad, Christmas does. There's the kids... I used to give 'em -presents, and my tendency was to weep as I give them. 'Poor little -rascals,' I said to myself, 'they think life is going to be just one -Christmas tree after another, but it ain't.' And then I'd think of all -the Christmases past I had spent with good friends, and how they was all -gone, or on their way. And I'd think of all the poor folks on Christmas, -and how the efforts made for them at that season was only a drop in the -bucket to what they'd need the year around. And along about December -twenty-third I always got so downhearted and sentimental and discouraged -about the whole darned universe I nearly died with melancholy. - -"In years past, the remedy was at hand. A few drinks and I could look -even Christmas in the face. A few more and I'd stand under the mistletoe -and sing, 'God rest ye merry, gentlemen.' And by the night of Christmas -day I had kidded myself into thinking I liked it, and wanted to keep it -up for a week. - -"But this Christmas there ain't going to be any general iniquity used to -season the grand religious festival with, except among a few of us Old -Soaks that has it laid away. I ain't got the heart to look on all the -melancholy critters that will be remembering the drinks they had last -year. And I ain't going to trot my own feelings out and make 'em public, -neither. No, sir. Me, I'm going to hibernate like a bear that goes to -sleep with his thumb in his mouth. Only it won't be a thumb I have in -my mouth. My house will be full of children and grandchildren, and there -will be a passel of my wife's relations that has always boosted for -Prohibition, but any of 'em ain't going to see the old man. I won't -mingle in any of them debilitated festivities. I ain't any Old Scrooge, -but I respect the memory of the old-time Christmas, and I'm going to -have mine all by myself, the melancholy part of it that comes first, and -the cure for the melancholy. This country ain't worthy to share in my -kind of a Christmas, and I ain't so much as going to stick my head out -of the window and let it smell my breath till after the holidays is -over. I got presents for all of 'em, but none of 'em is to be allowed -to open the old man's door and poke any presents into his room for him. -They ain't worthy to give me presents, the people in general in this -country ain't, and I won't take none from them. They might 'a' got -together and stopped this Prohibition thing before it got such a start, -but they didn't have the gumption. I've seceded, I have. And if any of -my wife's Prohibition relations comes sniffin' and smellin' around my -door, where I've locked myself in, I'll put a bullet through the -door. You hear me! And I'll know who's sniffin', too, for I can tell a -Prohibitionist sniff as fur as I can hear it. - -"I got a bar of my own all fixed up in my bedroom and there's going to -be a hot water kettle near by it and a bowl of this here Tom and Jerry -setting onto it as big as life. - -"And every time I wake up I'll crawl out of bed and say to myself: -'Better have just one more.' - -"'Well, now,' myself will say to me, 'just _one!_ I really hadn't orter -have that one; I've had so many--but just one goes.' - -"And then we'll mix it right solemn and pour in the hot water, standing -there in front of the bar, with our foot onto the railing, me and myself -together, and myself will say to me: - -"'Well, old scout, you better have another afore you go. It's gettin' -right like holiday weather outside.' - -"'I hadn't really orter,' I will say to myself again, 'but it's a -long time to next holidays, ain't it, old scout? And here's all the -appurtenances of the season to you, and may it sing through your -digestive ornaments like a Christmas carol. Another one, Ed.' - -"And then I'll skip around behind the bar and play I was Ed, the -bartender, and say, 'Are they too sweet for you, sir?' - -"And then I'll play I was myself again and say, 'No, they ain't, Ed. -They're just right. Ask that feller down by the end of the bar, Ed, to -join us. I know him, but I forget his name.' - -"And then I'll play I was the feller and say I hadn't orter have another -but I will, for it's always fair weather when good fellows gets -together. - -"And then me and myself and that other feller will have three more, -because each one of us wants to buy one, and then Ed the bartender -will say to have one on the house. And then I'll go to sleep again and -hibernate some more. And don't you call me out of that there room till -along about noon on the second day of January. I'll be alone in there -with my joy and my grief and all them memories." - - - - -CHAPTER TEN--Continuing the History--the Old Soak Fears for the Growing -Children - - -ANOTHER thing wrong with Prohibition that will one day make them sorry -they passed that commandment onto the constitution is the way it will -bring liquor in front of the growing children and if the children learns -to drink it too young what will become of this country I would like to -know when the next war comes along. - -I guess they didn't think of that, all these here wise Johnnies when -they passed that law. - -When you used to get all you wanted in a barroom you went there for it -and the children didn't see you and they couldn't go into them places -and it wasn't sticking around under the children's noses at home all the -time making them ask Pa what do you need with so much of that medicine -and can I have some Pa. - -But now you have it at home and it is sticking under their noses all the -time and the chances are millions and millions of children will learn -to drink too soon just because it is sticking under their noses all the -time and that is what Prohibition is doing for this country for everyone -knows if they drink it too soon it will stunt their growths. - -It is a great responsibility to bring up children right and Godfearing -and be sure they say their lay me down to sleep every night like -the Good Book says they should, and what I want to know is why -this government don't help the parents and fathers with all them -responsibilities instead of being a stumbling block in their way and -putting liquor in the home where the growing children will smell it all -the time and if they smell it they will want some of it. - -Of course a young feller has got to learn to drink some time but there -is such a thing as learning too young and it stunts their growth and the -good book says keep it out of the mouths of babes and sucklings. - -Maybe a little beer is all right if a baby is puny to fatten him up but -I never give my children any hard liquor till they had their growth and -I got no use for a government that turns in and puts liquor in the home -to make drunkards out of the little innocent children. - -Maybe if a child has got a cold a little whiskey is good for him and -what is left in the bottom of the glass when their dad is done with it -if they put some sugar and water in it and play they are like Pa won't -hurt none of them any and will help make them so they can hold their -share when they get growed up, but that is different from forcing it -down their poor little innocent throats all the time and every day, -which is what that Prohibition commandment amounts to. - -I knowed a child once in a fambly where they thought it was smart to -let him have some hard liquor and he growed up with goggle eyes and all -rickety from it and took to smoking these here cheap cigarettes and it -was a shame as any person with any heart a tall would have said and does -this government want the whole future generation of posterity to grow -up goggle eyed and rickety like that by forcing liquor into the home and -where will they get their strong soldiers from in the next war. - -I will say they got no conscience to do a thing like that to the whole -passel of children waiting to grow up and go to be soldiers. - -It is enough to make any honest man stop and think and his heart bleed -when he thinks of all them millions and millions of innocent children -and the way they are being ruined with liquor in the home and maybe -helping their daddies make it with yeast and raisins and things and -cornmeal in the cellar. - -I teached my boys to drink in the barroom just as fast as they growed -up and teached them to tell good liquor from bad liquor and not to mix -their drinks and not to go in for fancy drinks and to drink along with -me for a comfort for my old age and a father had ought to make chums of -his boys like that and give them the right example and they stay close -to him and he knows what they are thinking about and can give them good -advice and my boys has been a comfort to me. - -My boys is all growed up, but what worries me is the millions and -millions of little children that is going to learn to drink too young. - -Well, in my next chapter I promise to get down to brass tacks and tell -just exactly what those barrooms was like that has been vanished. - - - - -CHAPTER ELEVEN--Jabe Potter's Optimism - - -NO, SIR," said the Old Soak, "I ain't got so darned much left. It may -get me through a year, and it may run me only about ten months. - -"But I don't want so much as I use to, for some reason. In course, no -gentleman of the old school figgers on less than a quart a day, but -there has been times when I exceeded that there limit. Looking back -on them times, I don't know whether to be glad or sorry. It's a -satisfaction to remember that I had the liquor, but it's a grief to know -I won't never have that same liquor again. - -"But at a quart a day, if I'm careful, and don't give any parties to -new acquaintances that is took sudden with a love and admiration for -me, I'll toddle along fer ten or twelve months yet. And by that time, -something or other will happen in my favour; you see if it don't. -Either the country will backslide into iniquity again in spots; or else -somebody will die and leave me an island down near Cuba; or else Old -Jabe Potter, my friend out on Long Island I told you of, will get his -smuggling works started into operation. - -"Fact is, Old Jabe is already set, and his smuggling works is ready to -operate right now, only there don't seem to be nothin' to smuggle, Jabe -says. He's got one of these here gasolene boats, and he goes out and -makes signals to the ocean liners to and from Europe, but they -ain't onto Jabe's signals, or something. I tell him he's got to make -arrangements in advance with some of them transatlantic bartenders, for -they don't know what he's driving at. 'Well,' Jabe says, 'you'd think -they could tell by my looks I'm thirsty, wouldn't you?' Jabe, he's -romantic and optimistic; but them notions of his is all right if they -was only organized." - -He paused a while, refreshed himself from his pocket flask, and then -took up another line of enquiry. - -"What I would like to know," he said, "is what mean folks is going to -blame their meanness onto, now that booze is gone. It used to be a good -excuse for a lot of people that wasn't worth nothin', and knowed it, -and acted ornery... booze was the answer, everybody said. If they did -anything they hadn't orter, people said they was all right except -when they had a drink or two, but a drink or two changed their entire -disposition, and the drink orter be blamed, and not them. My own -observation and belief leads me to remark that them kind of folks was -less ornery and mean when they had booze than when they didn't have it. - -"Well, I notice in myself a kind of a habit growing up to blame -everything onto Prohibition, just as Prohibitionists used to blame -everything onto booze. I want to be fair to the drys, and I will say -that neither Prohibition nor booze has much to do with making a mean man -mean. I want to be fair to the drys, so as to show them up; they ain't -fair to me, and when I'm fair to them it shows how superior I be." - - - - -CHAPTER TWELVE--More of the History--As It Used to Be of a Morning - - -WELL, I promised I would tell just what those vanished barrooms was -like, and I will tell the truth, so help me. - -One thing that I can't get used to going without is that long brass -railing where you would rest your feet, and I have got one of them fixed -up in my own bedroom now so when I get tired setting down I can go and -stand up and rest my feet one at a time. - -Well, you would come in in the morning and you would say, Ed, I ain't -feeling so good this morning. - -I wonder what could the matter be, Ed says, though he has got a pretty -good idea of what it could be all the time. But he's too kind hearted to -let on. - -I don't know, you says to Ed, I guess I am smoking too much lately. When -you left here last night, Ed says, you seemed to be feeling all right, -maybe what you got is a little touch of this here influenza. - -It ain't influenza, Ed, you says to him, it is them heavy cigars we was -all smoking in here last night. I swallered too much of that smoke, Ed, -and I got a headache this morning and my stomach feels kind o' like it -was a democratic stomach all surrounded by republican voters, and a -lot of that tobacco must of got into my eyes and I feel so rotten this -morning that when my wife said are you going downtown without your -breakfast I just said to her Hell and walked out to dodge a row because -I could see she was bad tempered this morning. - -What would you say to a little absinthe, says Ed, sympathetic and -helpful, a cocktail or frappy. - -No, says you, if you was to say what I used to say, I leave that there -stuff to these here young cigarettesmoking squirts, which it always -tasted like paregoric to me. - -Yes, sir, Ed says, it is one of them foreign things, and how about a -milk punch, it is sometimes soothing when a person has smoked too much. - -No, Ed, you says, a milk punch is too much like vittles and I can't -stand the idea of vittles. - -Yes, sir, Ed used to say, you are right, sir, how about a gin fizz. A -gin fizz will bring back your stomach to life right gradual, sir, and -not with a shock like being raised from the dead. - -Ed, you says to him, or leastways I always used to say, a silver fizz is -too gentle, and one of them golden fizzes, with the yellow of an egg -in it, has got the same objections as a milk punch, it is too much like -vittles. - -Yes, sir, Ed says, I think you are right about vittles. I can understand -how you feel about not wanting vittles in the early part of the day. -And that makes you love Ed, for you meet a lot of people who can't -understand that. There ain't no sympathy and understanding left in the -world since bartenders was abolished. - -How about an old-fashioned whiskey cocktail, says Ed. - -You feel he is getting nearer to it, and you tell him so, but it don't -seem just like the right thing yet. - -And then Ed sees you ain't never going to be satisfied with nothing till -after it is into you and he takes the matter into his own hands. - -I know what is the matter with you, he says, and what you want, and he -mixes you up a whiskey sour and you get a little cross and say it helped -some but there was too much sugar in it and not to put so much sugar in -the next one. - -And by the time you drink the third one, somewhere away down deep inside -of you there is a warm spot wakes up and kind of smiles. - -And that is your soul has waked up. - -And you sort of wish you hadn't been so mean with your wife when you -left home, and you look around and see a friend and have one with him -and your soul says to you away down deep inside of you for all you know -about them old Bible stories they may be true after all and maybe there -is a God and kind of feel glad there may be one, and if your friend says -let's go and have some breakfast you are surprised to find out you could -eat an egg if it ain't too soft or ain't too done. - -Well, I promised, so help me, I would tell the truth about them barrooms -that has perished away, and the truth I will tell, and the truth with -me used to be that more than likely it wasn't really cigars that used to -get me feeling that way in the mornings, and I will take up a different -part of the subject in my next chapter. - - - - -CHAPTER THIRTEEN--Peace and Contentment - - -[Illustration: 0066] - -PROHIBITION," said the Old Soak, "is doing more harm than you can see -with the naked eye. Formerly when a man called up and told his wife that -he was detained at his office by an unexpected caller on business just -as he was starting home his wife knew he had stopped to take three or -four balls with the boys on the corner and thought very little about it. -Now she wonders if that unexpected caller could have been a lady. - -"When a man came home late with the smell of liquor on his breath he -knew he was in bad, but he knew just how bad in he was. Now everything -is uncertainty and guesswork everywhere, and intellects is cracking -under strains on all sides. - -"It must 'a' been the same way back in the historic days of iniquity -and antiquity, when the Roman Empire switched all of a sudden from being -heathen to being Christian; everybody had to be good all of a sudden, -and only a few had learnt how; and everybody that hadn't quite succeeded -in turning Christian went around for a while wondering if everybody -else was as gosh-darned Christian as they let on to be. I know a lot of -people now that says they're on the wagon, but I'd hate to go so sound -asleep in a street car that I wouldn't wake up if they tried to pull my -flask out of my pocket. I don't struggle none trying to be good, myself. -I'm a dipsomaniac, and I know it, and I'm contented to be that way. - -"Years ago I used to struggle, and think maybe I would quit drinking -some time, and it kept me unhappy. But as soon as I come right out and -acknowledged Booze as my boss and master, and set him up and crowned him -king, a great peace fell onto me, and I ceased to struggle, and I been -happy and contented and full of love for my fellow men ever since. There -ain't nothing like finding out which gang you belong to and sticking -to your own crowd consistent. If I had only been brought up to be a -drunkard when I was young I would 'a' settled into it natural and been -saved a lot of worry and struggle and uncertainty. But there was years -when I fit against it, from time to time, and it kept me unsettled and -discontented, and I wasted a lot of good time trying to keep sober when -I might 'a' been drunk and cheerful, radiating joy and happiness into -the world and being of some use to my fellow men. But I s'pose everybody -thinks if they had their life to live over again they'd do different, -and the main thing is to reach peace and contentment toward the end, as -I have reached it." - - - - -CHAPTER FOURTEEN--Continuing the History of the Rum Demon--Unfermented -Grape Juice - - -WELL, as I said in my last chapter, it is time for me to get down to -brass tacks and describe just what those barrooms that has been vanished -was like so that future generations of posterity will know what they -missed, and to tell the truth in all particulars, so help me. - -Some of them was that arted up with hand paintings that if you had -all them paintings in your home you would feel proud of yourself, like -Solomon in all his glory, and would feel like you was living in the -midst of a high art museum, and the shining brass cuspidores to spit in -and the brass rail and all them shiny glasses and bottles and mirrors -made up a scene of grandeur and glory like the good book mentions and -you would think you was King Faro of Egypt, if you lived in the midst of -all that or Job in all his riches before the itch broke out on him. - -Well, speaking of the Good Book, my wife has always been more or less of -a prohibitionist in order to show me that she is independent of me, and -one day one of these here church friends of hers tries to tell me all -the liquor that was drinked in the Bible wasn't nothing but unfermented -grape juice. - -Yes, it was, I said, don't you believe it was, like hell it was. You go -and get your testament and see where King Solomon talks about the stuff -that makes the heart merry and then go and swill yourself with grape -juice and see if you could get the way he was when he wrote eat, drink, -and be merry for tomorrow ye die. And how about the time them two women -came to him with that one child and both claimed that it was hern and he -says to the officer on duty, let me see that there sword of yourn for -a minute I'll darned soon see who this kid belongs to. And verily the -officer drawed his sword and the King he heaved it up and was about to -cut the kid in two when one of the women says to stop unhand him King -and not do the rash act it is the other woman's yew lamb and let her -have it, it being her own all the time and her one yew lamb and her -preferring to see the other woman grab it off than have half of it. - -Well, says the King, half a loaf is better than no bread, but with -infants it is different, take the child, it is yours woman, and go and -sin no more. - -Well, now, I ask you, was King Solomon drinking the unfermented juice of -the grape when he got that there hunch, or was he not? I will say he -was not. Them radical and righteous ideas never come to a man when he is -cold sober. He has got to have a shot of something moving around under -his belt before he gets thataway. - -And how about them Bible hangovers, I said to this here church person. -Man and boy I been a student of the Bible from cover to cover for a good -many years now and I never seen a book with more evidences of hangovers -and katzenjammers into it. How about that there book that says vanity, -vanity, all is vanity. Well, I ask you, did you ever get that way in the -morning after you had spent the night before drinking the unfermented -juice of the grape. - -That there Book of Exclusiastics is just one long howl from the next -morning head. Things seem right, says old Exclusiastic, and they look -right; but if you bite into them they don't taste right, or words to -that effect. And you stick around awhile, says old man Exclusiastic, and -you'll darned soon see they ain't nothing right nowhere and never will -be again. Moreover, says he, I was wrong when I used to think things was -right; there ain't never anything anywhere been all right and I was all -wrong when I was a young feller and used to think things was right and -the wrongest thing about the whole business is the darned fools like -I used to be who go around saying things is all right, and the sum -and substance of everything is vanity, says he, vanity, vanity, all is -vanity. - -You could tell some folks that that there old Exclusiastic was writing -as the result of unfermented grape juice, but a man with any experience -of his own knows a good deal better and what kind of a taste was in his -mouth. You can't tell an old Bible reader like me anything about this -unfermented stuff. The trouble with these here church people is that -too many of them ain't never read the Bible, or if they did read it they -read it with the idea that it was saying something else like they wanted -it to say. - -I always stuck to the Bible in spite of the church folks and I always -will for it has got some kick into it. There is three things in the -world I always stick to, the Bible and hard liquor and calomel, for -they has got the kick to them. You can have all your light wines and -unfermented stuff and all your pretty new-thought religions and all your -new-fangled medicines you want to, but for me I will stick to the Old -Testament and corn whiskey and calomel like my forefathers done before -me. You can't pull any of that unfermented stuff on me and get away with -it. - - - - -CHAPTER FIFTEEN--Political Talk - - -[Illustration: 0073] - -THE Old Soak came in to see us during the recent Presidential campaign. - -"What I expected has come to pass," he said, sorrowfully. "This here -Cox that everybody hoped was a Wet Prohibitionist ain't that at all. He -ain't nothin' but a Dry Liquor Man. I been a Republican ever sense the -days of Abraham Lincoln, but I had an idee this year I was goin' to have -fer to leave the old party flat on account o' rumours I hearn that this -here Cox was comin' out for liquor. My conscience is Republican, but -my religion is liquor; an' I would of voted agin any conscience fer the -sake o' my religion. But I ain't goin' to be compelled fer to make that -sacrifice. I'd ruther vote fer an outan'-out Prohibitionist than one of -these here fellers that gits the word passed private to the wets that -they'll be a stick in the lemonade, and gets the word passed private to -the drys that what he means is nothin' but a stick o' pep'mint candy. -They ain't no hope fer liquor in public life no more; it has become a -question fer the home. As fur es my own private stock is concerned, it -mostly ain't. But I got a grand idee workin' up. My old woman's got a -niece who's come to live with us, an' I'm tryin' to marry that there gal -to a revenue agent. I see by the papers they are always trackin' down a -couple thousand gallons somewheres or other, and I don't hear no glass -crashin' nowheres to indicate where them bottles is bein' busted. I -wants somebody in the fambly that will take me along on some of these -here raids I read about." - - - - -CHAPTER SIXTEEN--The History Continued--Prohibition and Winter Weather - - -WELL, when I seen all them men shovelling snow and ice in the streets -and no place to go for a drink and maybe one of them spring thaws coming -along soon now which they are always full of these here la grip germs -I says to myself them Prohibitionists think they have done something -pretty smart but they got another think coming to them. - -I never been much of a hand to kick against the weather. As a fact, I -use to like all kinds of weather as it come along. - -You went into a place and you said to Ed it looks like one of them cold -rains is going to start up pretty soon, Ed. - -Yes, sir, Ed says, it is pretty raw. The wind is rawring. What will you -have? - -Well, I use to say, I was wondering about a little Scotch with boiling -water into it and a lump of butter and a lump of sugar into it I knowed -a fellow used to treat himself thataway one time. - -No, sir, says Ed, I wouldn't advise anything like that sir, it will get -you sweating inside of you all around your stomach and lungs and then -you will go out and swallow some cold damp air and take one of -them inside colds, sir, and it may run into new-monia or this here -pellicanitis. - -Well, Ed, I don't want to ketch none of them germs, you would say to -him, and how about some rock and rye. - -You better stick to straight rye and leave out the rock. When you was in -here a little bit ago you was drinking straight rye and you don't want -to be mixing them too much, says Ed. - -And no sooner said than done. - -Or maybe it was summer time and a hot day and you would say to Ed I -wonder how many people is getting sun struck to-day, Ed. - -A good many says Ed they drink too much cold water and it gets to them. - -I am glad I don't have to go out into the awful heat, you would say. - -The main thing is to keep your pores open says Ed for if you stop the -presspiration that means a sun stroke. The main thing is to encourage -the presspiration to sweat itself out of you. - -I think you are right Ed you says and I was wondering about some beer. - -No, sir, not for you, says Ed, I wouldn't advise no beer. You put these -here temperance drinks like beer and sassperiller into your stomach, -sir, and it takes up a lot of room you will wish you had later in the -day. For some people I would say beer wouldn't do no harm, sir, but I -should say, sir, that it was the wrong thing for you. - -One of them long silver fizzes with ice shook up into it would sound -nice to my ears as it went down my oozlygoozlum you would say to Ed. - -Ed he is kind of lazy with the heat and he don't want to shake it up so -he says to you on a hot day like this you are taking chances with your -life every time you put ice drinks into you and he says what's the -matter with that rye you been drinking all the early part of the day -that is the best thing to keep the presspiration coming out of your -sweat pores. - -Well, no sooner said than done. - -The number of times them old-fashioned bartenders has saved my life -summer and winter with good advice is as too numerous to mention as is -the stars in the sky and their name is legend as the good book says. - -In them days when there was a barroom on every corner and sometimes four -barrooms on every four corners I never cared about the weather at all -for I knowed no matter what the weather was I could keep my health safe. - -If you was to look out the barroom window and see a sudden change in the -weather you could make a sudden change and switch to some other kind of -drink and keep yourself protected from them sudden changes. - -But in these days when a sudden change in the weather comes what -protection have you got I would like to know. You are running the risks -of them sudden changes all the time day and night, and no chance to -change your drink to meet them with for you are lucky if you have one -kind of liquor let alone all the different kinds of ingredients you used -to ornament your digestion with. - -Nowadays when the weather ain't just right I have to stay home in my own -room up to the top of the house where I got that little bar rigged up -where I wait on myself and staying to home all the time ain't any too -good for me. - -It don't give me a chance to get any outdoor exercise, staying at -home don't and a man needs outdoor exercise if he is going to keep his -health. - -That is another thing Prohibition has done to me: it has took away all -my chance for outdoor exercise. - -I reckon them Prohibitionists will be satisfied when they got -everybody's health broke down on account of them sudden changes in the -weather and nobody getting any outdoor exercise any more. - - - - -CHAPTER SEVENTEEN--The Old Soak Finds a Way - - -[Illustration: 0079] - -YES, sir; yes, sir!" said the Old Soak, with a happy smile on his face. -"I've done found out the way to beat the game--! Ask me no questions, -and I'll tell ye no lies as to how I done it. - -"Ye see this here bottle, do ye? Kentucky Bourbon, and nothin' else. -Bottled in bond, an' there's plenty more where that comes from.--Ask me -no questions, and I'll enrich ye with no misinformations!--Ye see that -there little car parked out there by the curbstone, do ye? Well, sir, -that there car is _my_ car, and under the back seat of it is twelve -quarts of this here stuff!--And it ain't home brewed, neither; it's -some of the best liquor you ever throwed your lips over!--How do I do -it?--Don't ply me with no questions, and I won't bring you no false -witnesses! - -"Notice these here new clothes of mine? Well, sir, that there suit's a -bargain.--It only cost me two cases of rye.--I got three new suits like -that to home, an' I'm figgerin' on buying one of these here low neck an' -short sleeve dress suits for to wear to banquets this winter.--They's -a whole passel o' folks would like to give me banquets this cornin' -season.--How do I do it?--Ask me no questions, and I'll give you no back -talk! - -"If you was to come out to the house, I'd interduce ye to quite a lot of -good liquor.--Can't drink no more, huh?--Ain't ye got a friend ye could -bring?--I'd like to have ye meet my son-in-law. - -"Yes, sir; yes, sir! Daughter was married two months ago. The youngest -one. Her and her husband is makin' their home with us temporary.--I'm -tryin' to persuade of 'em to stop to our house permanent.--Yes, sir, my -son-in-law, he is one of these here revenooers.--Well, so long!--I gotto -see an old friend o' mine that lives up to the Bronx this afternoon.--He -ain't had a real drink fer nigh onto three months, he tells me.--I'm -headin' a rescue party into them there regions. - -"Yes, sir; yes, sir! I figger my daughter married well!--Bring up yer -kids in the way they should go like the Good Book says, and Providence -will do the rest.--Henry, that's my son-in-law, is figgerin' mebby he -can get my son Jim made a revenooer, too.--Ask me no questions, an I'll -give away no fambly secrets!" - - - - -CHAPTER EIGHTEEN--The History Continued--the Barroom's Good Influence - - -[Illustration: 0082] - -ANOTHER thing I miss in regard to all them vanished barrooms being -closed up is kind feeling about respect to the old especially to parents -and them that has departed. - -Where is the younger generations of posterity going to learn how to be -kind hearted about home and mother now that the barrooms is all closed -up I would like to know? - -It used to be that a lot of fellows would get all tanked up of an -afternoon or evening and in the right sort of a place they would get to -singing songs. - -All them songs about home and mother and to treat her right now that -her hair had turned gray. I never was much of a one to sing myself -especially unless I had a few drinks into me. - -But whether I helped sing them or not all them songs would make a better -man of me. You stand up to a bar or sit down at a table and listen to -them songs for two or three hours and if you are any kind of a man at -all you will wish you had always done the right thing and now that all -them songs about home and mother has been took away from me I ain't the -man I used to be at all. - -I feel myself going down hill because my softer emotions and feelings -ain't never stirred up by nothing any more. - -Well, this Eighteenth Commandment is going to make a hard-hearted -country out of this here country. Nobody is never going to think as much -of home and mother as they used to. And I guess them prohibitionists -won't feel so smart when they see all them old ladies with gray hair -flung out onto the streets in the rainy weather just because nobody -would pay the mortgage off. Lots of times when I was a young feller -after hearing them songs for awhile I would say to myself I will set -right down and write a letter to my mother, I ain't wrote her for five -or six months. And when I got older after she passed on I used to say -to myself some of these days I will have to make a visit to the old home -place and take a look around there. - -But all them softer feelings has been took away from me now and what I -would like to know is how is the younger generation going to grow up. -Hard hearted, that is how. - -Some of these here fine days I may be cast out into the street myself -with the rain drops dripping down offen my hat brim into my eyebrows -just because nobody won't pay a mortgage and it has got to be a -hard-hearted country. - -I hope none of them there smart alick Prohis will be flung out onto -the street thataway. Because they got no friends would pay off their -mortgages and they would just naturally be destituted to death. I ain't -hard hearted like they be and I hope that don't happen to none of them. -But if it ever did they would find out a few things. - -In my next chapter I will get down to brass tacks and give a true -description of them barrooms that has perished off the face of the -earth. - - - - -CHAPTER NINETEEN--A House Divided - - -THE Old Soak has been looking rather well for some time; he seems -prosperous and happy, for the most part, and contented with the quantity -and quality of the hootch he has been gettin'. But yesterday he dropped -in to see us with just the slightest shade of gloom on his features. We -asked him about it. - -"It's that there son of mine," he says. "He's too young to know enough -to let well enough alone, like the Good Book says to do. They's a lot of -these young fellers you can't learn nothing to. - -"This yere son-in-lawr of mine I been tellin' you about, that is a -revenooer, got my son made into a revenooer, too. And it ain't -long before my son gits jest as good an automobile as the one -my son-in-lawr's been drivin'. And joy out to our house has been -unconcerned, with everyone exceptin' the Ol' Woman, and she's been -prayin' agin the rest of the fambly. - -"But this yere son o' mine, he gets too much hootch under his belt one -day, and he gets into this yere brand-new automobile of his'n and he -starts onto one of these yere raids. Which would of been all right, -bein' as it's what a revenooer is for, if he had only used a leetle -bit o' jedgment. But the young has got a lot to learn, and babes and -striplings, the Good Book says, jest naturally has their dam fool -streaks. - -"This yere raid my son goes onto turns out all wrong. For whilst he is -pinchin' who does he pinch in the gang of wicked sinners but that there -son-in-lawr of mine, the revenooer as got him his job, said son-in-lawr -bein' off duty and pickled hisself at the time. - -"So this here son-in-lawr of mine, he mighty nigh loses of his job as a -revenooer, bein' took up in one of the raids he was legally supposed -to be startin' himself, and they was quite a fuss about it, so I -understand, and the thing was finally settled with a compromise--it -wasn't my son-in-lawr lost his job, but they compromised it and fired my -son out'n his job. - -"But now my son, he has went and got sore at my son-in-lawr, and he says -unless he gits his job back as a revernooer he will tell all he knows. - -"So my house is a house that is sided against itself, like the Good Book -says, and every member of the fambly has took sides one way or the other -'twixt my son and my son-in-lawr, and the Ol' Woman is agin both on 'em, -and agin me, too--a-prayin' an' a-prayin' an' a-prayin'. - -"'You went and prayed for years an' years so as to get prohibish'n,' -I tells her; 'an' now you got it--you got more on it than any woman I -knows, for it's come right into your own home. An' now you got it you -ain't satisfied with it--there you be onto your marrow bones prayin' -agin the revenooers.' - -"I s'pose I was too hifalutin' an' ambitious, wantin' to keep two -members of my fambly into the revenooer job. And as long as my -son-in-lawr stays into office and continues to make his home with me I -won't have no kick cornin', but will take my hootch in thankfulness -and humility, like the Good Book says to do, eatin', drinkin' an' bein' -merry. This yere leetle cloud of gloom what you notice is due to the -Ol' Woman's prayers. I cain't help but feel she is goin' direct agin -Scripter and her husband's best intrusts." - - - - -CHAPTER TWENTY--Continuing the History of the Rum Demon--the Barroom and -Manners - - -[Illustration: 0088] - -ANOTHER thing about those barrooms that has been vanished forever is -the fact that most of them was right polite sort of places if a fellow -edged up to the bar and knocked over your glass of whiskey or something -like that he would say, O excuse me stranger and you would say sure, but -look where in hell you are going to after this. - -Sure he would say no offence meant. No offence taken you would say to -him. Have one with me he would say. - -No sooner said than done. - -But nowadays all you see and hear is bad manners and impoliteness with -people hustling and bumping into each other on the subways and stepping -on each other and women and children amongst them and nobody ever -begging anybody's pardon and hard feelings everywhere. - -The trouble is everybody is sore and wanting a drink all the time and -there is no place where the younger generation is going to learn good -manners now that the barrooms is gone. What is the young fellows -just growing up to manhood going to do for their manners now that the -barrooms is closed, is what I want to know. - -It used to be you would get onto a subway train and there would be two -or three women standing up and you would be setting down and there would -be three or four drinks under your belt and you would be feeling good -and you would say to yourself am I a gentleman or ain't I a gentleman. - -You're damned right I am a gentleman, you would say to yourself, here, -lady, you set down, and don't let any of these here bums roust you out -of that seat. - -If any of these here bums tries to roust you out of that seat I will put -a tin ear onto them. - -That's the kind of a gentleman I am, lady, they would have a hell of a -time, lady, getting your seat away from you with me here. - -And she seen you was a gentleman and she smiled at you and you hung onto -a strap and felt good. - -But nowadays there ain't no manners, with no place to get a drink or -anything. - -You are setting in the subway and a lady comes in and has nowheres to -set, and you say to yourself let some of these other guys get up and -give her a seat. - -And you think a while and you say to yourself I'll bet she is a -Prohibitionist anyhow. Let her stand up. She has got to learn you can't -have any manners with the barrooms all closed and everything. - -Well, that's another thing closing the barroom has done. It has took -away all the manners this town ever had. - -In my next chapter I will get down to brass tacks and tell just what -those barrooms was like for the benefit of future posterity that has -never seen one. - - - - -CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE--Sympathy Wanted - - -YES," said the Old Soak, "I get plenty of hootch nowadays. My son is -back into the revenoo business, and my son-in-lawr is with it, too. I -gets plenty of whiskey. I've got some into me, and I've got some onto my -hip, and I know where I'm going to get some more when that's gone." - -And he sighed. - -"Why so gloomy, then?" we asked. "You should be radiating a Falstaffian -joviality. You should be as merry as the merry, merry villagers in an -opera on the Duke's birthday. But on the contrary, you shake from out -your condor wings unutterable wo, as E. A. Poe has it. Wherefore?" - -"I miss," he said, "the next mornin' sympathy... the next mornin' -ministration. Any one can get drunk under the auspices of Prohibition, -but it takes the right kind of barkeep fur to get you sober agin and -make you like it. - -"Where is the next morning barkeep? He ain't. He was wise as a serpent -and gentle as a dove like the Good Book says. He knowed right off what -ailed you, at 11 o'clock on a cloudy morning, and what was good for it. -A little of this, out of the long green bottle, and a little of that, -and some ice tinklin' in it, and the white of an egg mebby, and... oh, -you know! One of them, and there was salve onto the sore spot of your -soul. Two of them and you began to forgive yourself. Three of them, and -you could hear about breakfast; you could look an egg into the eye. - -"And he never asked no question about your past, that barkeep didn't. -He didn't need to. He knowed. He seen last night's history in this -morning's footnote. He was kind. 'Feel a little better now, sir?' -he'd ask. 'Two or three of them is enough, sir, if you ask me. Get your -breakfast, now, sir, and you'll be quite O. K. Yes, sir, I learned to -mix them in New Orleans...' You talked to him, and he let you. He was -like a mother's knee to a three-year-old that's bumped his head, the -old-fashioned barkeep was. - -"But now, he ain't. Now, when you get up, Gloom stands on one side of -you and Conscience on the other, and Remorse is feeding lines of both of -'em. - -"'Well,' says Gloom, 'this is a fine, cheerful morning, this is! This is -about as full of sunshine as the insides of the whale that drank Jonah.' - -"'It is,' says Remorse, 'and then some. Conscience and me feels so bad -about it that we're gonna jump off the dock together.' - -"'I ain't, neither,' says Conscience. 'I'm gonna save myself for the -worst. The worst is yet to come. And I want to be here when it comes.' - -"'I ain't gonna be here when it comes,' says Gloom. 'I'm going over to -the Aquarium and rent myself out for a fish.' - -"Just then," went on the Old Soak, "a strange party sticks his head in -at the door and says, 'Never again!' "'Who be you?' says Gloom. 'I'm -Repentance,' says the buttinski, 'and I calls on you guys to mend your -ways!' - -"And Gloom, he looks at the hard liquor left in the bottom of the -bottle, and at the sky, and at the door of the closed-up barroom across -the street, and he says, 'It can't be done without some uplift. I need -soothing words, and an educated hand.' - -"'We got what's coming to us,' says Remorse. 'And there's more of it -coming,' says Conscience. 'Better quit!' says Repentance. 'I ain't gonna -quit,' says Gloom, 'without the right kind of a drink to quit on. I -ain't never yet quit without the right kind of a drink to quit on, and -I'm not going to start any innovations on a rotten day like this.' - -"Well," went on the Old Soak, "you sits on the edge of your bed and you -listen to these yere guys talking, and you think how right all of them -is, and you wonder whether it's any use getting up, and you think of all -the barkeeps you used to know, and after a while you suck an orange -and think of one of them long silver fizzes with frost on the glass and -charity and loving-kindness in its heart, like Ed used to shake up,--you -think of it so hard you well-nigh taste it, and then the meerage fades -away and you ain't nothin' but a camel in the desert again with a -humpbacked taste in your mouth. - -"Yes, sir," said the Old Soak, "I can get all the booze I want, but I -can't get sympathy. What a man needs in the morning is a kind heart for -to comfort him, and a strong arm to lean on. Anybody can give me good -advice, but it don't soothe me any; what I want is a quick friend in a -white apron, wise as a bishop and gentle as a nurse. - -"What I want is the Al's and Ed's I used to know. But they've went. -Forever. I won't meet 'em in Hell, because they're too kind hearted -to go there, and I won't meet 'em in Heaven, because I won't go there -myself. - -"I reckon," concluded the Old Soak, "I'll have to go to England." - - - - -CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO--The History of the Rum Demon Concluded--Prohibition -Is Making a Free Thinker of the Old Soak - - -ANOTHER thing that going without barrooms is doing for this country is -it is destroying Home Life. - -It is pretty hard to get along with your wife after you have been -married to her for twenty or thirty years and kind of settle down and -realize you are going to be married to her as long as she lives for -better or for worse unless something happens which it seldom does. - -Not that you don't kind of like her and you know she kind of likes you -but the thing is that her and you is apt to treat each other mean now -and then because you get to thinking what a good time you could have if -you didn't have to turn in so much of your money to making a home run -smooth and you know even if you do row with each other you will make up -again and you get to kind of looking forward to the rows because anyhow -that is a change. - -But sometimes you carry them rows too far and then you don't know how -to get your Home Life running right again because she is always too -stubborn to give in and you won't be the first one to give in because -you know she is wrong. - -But when there was liquor to be had in plenty it was easier to make up -after one of them rows and Home Life went along smoother. - -You would get up in the morning and she would say to you, would you have -a boiled egg for breakfast or a fried, and you would say hades what an -idea. Can't you never think of anything but eggs for breakfast. And -she would say yesterday I didn't have eggs and you was sore because you -wanted eggs. You would say just because I wanted eggs yesterday is that -any sign I want them every day of my life till death do us part. I was -only asking what you wanted she would say. - -I will go where I can get what I want, you would say. I will eat my -breakfast at a restaurant this morning and maybe I can keep them from -shoving eggs in front of me when I don't ask for eggs. The trouble with -your stomach is not what you put into it in the morning, she would say, -but what you put into it the night before. The trouble with my stomach, -you would say, is that I am worried to death and worked to death all the -time trying to keep this house running and it gives me the dis-pepsy. It -is the liquor gives you dispepsy she would say. - -If it wasn't for a little stimulant in my stomach, like the Good Book -says, you tell her, my dispepsy wouldn't let me digest anything at -all and I would starve to death and the mortgage on the house would be -foreclosed and you would go to the old woman's home. Whose money pays -the interest on that mortgage she would say. Whose? you would say. Mine, -she would say. You wouldn't have any money you tell her, if you paid me -back what your relations has borrowed of me. - -Well, one word leads to another, and you go off without any breakfast, -for you see her taking the Bible down to set and read it, and when she -sets and reads the Bible you know she is reading it against you and it -gets you madder and madder. - -And in the old days when there was barrooms you would go into one -still feeling mad and say Ed, mix me one of the old-fashioned whiskey -cocktails and don't put too much orange and that kind of damned garbage -into it, I want the kick. - -No sooner said than done. - -And after a couple of them you would say, well after all, the Old Woman -means well, I wonder if I didn't treat her a little mean this morning I -orter call her up on the telephone and give her a jolly. - -And then you would think of her relations that you hate and get mad at -her again on account of always sticking up for them, and say, Ed, that -don't set so well, let's try a whiskey sour. - -And you would meet a friend and have another with him, and pretty soon -eat some breakfast and think how, after all, it was eggs you was eating -for breakfast and they wasn't cooked no ways as good as the old woman -would of poached them for you on toast if you hadn't been so darned mean -to her. - -And your friend would say his old woman blowed him up for coming home -pickled. - -And you would have another drink and say that was one thing your old -woman never done to you. My old woman has got some sense, you would say -to him, she knows how a man feels about taking a drink, and she never -blows me up. - -And you would set and brag about your old woman and you had never had a -cross word between you in thirty years. And then he would begin to brag -about his old woman, too. - -And pretty soon you would say to yourself you better go to the phone and -call her up. She has her mean streaks all right, but who knows, she may -have been right this morning after all, and you take another drink and -get her on the telephone, and give her a chance to say how sorry she was -about the way she treated you that morning and maybe you go and pay an -installment on a new carpet sweeper for her. - -Well, it was that way in the old days. Liquor kept your Home Life -running along o. k. You would get mad with your wife and then you would -get sorry for her and give her an excuse to make up with you again. - -But now, with no chance to get a drink when I am away from home if I -treat the Old Woman mean in the morning I don't give her a chance to get -on my good side again. And I can see sometimes that it is breaking her -heart. - -That's what prohibition is doing to this country. It is breaking the -women's hearts and it is breaking up the Home Life on every hand. - -What is going to become of a country where all the Home Life is broke -up? - -And what is going to become of the children if there ain't any Home Life -running along smooth any more? - -These Prohibitionists that is so darned smart never thought of that I -guess when they put that Eighteenth Commandment across onto us. - -Whenever I think of all them women's hearts that is breaking and all -that Home Life that is going plumb to the dogs all on account of the -barrooms being closed up it well-nigh makes a free thinker out of me. - -I don't claim to be a church man, but I never was a free thinker before, -neither. But all the sorrow that is going on in the world on account of -them barrooms being closed is making a free thinker of me. - - - - - - -HAIL AND FAREWELL - - - - - -I--A LAST DRINK - - -To George McDaniel - - -[Ill 0103] - - - Hail! Barleycorn... they said you - weren't Nice! - Salve! You bum, and Vale! Hail! Farewell! - Your feet, the Prohis say, go down to Hell; - You led men into Poker, Fights and Dice, - You filled the world with Murder, Lust and Lice, - You made a Bar Fly of the Howling Swell, - You bought the blood that deep-dyed bandits sell-- - You might lead one in time, I fear, to Vice! - - - Old blear-eyed mutt, beloved and accurst! - Before you go, a song for old sake's sake; - A song memorial to the days and nights - When I companioned with the Dipsas Snake - And bared my throat unto his febrous bites, - Quenching a thirst to gain a greater thirst. - - - - - -II--IN THE OLD DAYS - - -To Paul Thompson - - - Liquor there is, but, oh! the Bar is gone! - The long Brass Rail above the Sawdust Floor, - The gay Hot Dog, the gleaming Cuspidore, - The bright, brave Nose that brave, bright lights - shone on, - The jocund Barkeep, Ed or A1 or John, - The ribald jest I loved, the answering roar - That jangled the glasses, shook the swinging door--- - Liquor there is, but these delights are done! - In the old days when bubbles winked at me, - In the glad days when I was steeped in Rum, - I played the Prospero to fantasy, - I drank, and bade my Ariel fancies come." - But I have lost my ancient wizardry - And mine old self, my lyric self, is dumb. - - - - - -III--A DIPSEY CHANTEY - - -To Ned Leamy - - -[Ill 0106] - - - Ho! Heave the anchor! Heave! Fetch her up! - Twist! with the corkscrews! Steward, lend a hand! - Let her prance out to sea like a frolic-footed pup, - For the ship is full of liquor, and to hell with the land! - Ghosts from the ocean abysses, clambering, clamour- - ing, come; - Climb to our decks and roar: "Broach us a puncheon - of rum! - We are scaly with salt and sand; we've had nothing - but water to swallow-- - Stave in a hogshead of rum! Let us roll in the - scuppers and wallow!" - - Heh! Splice the main-brace! Ho! She smells the - gale! - The shipper walks the bridge with a bottle to his eye; - She rollicks with her boilers full of good Bass Ale-- - By the timber peg of Silver, the sea shall not go dry! - We have raxed 'em out of the deep, they follow - through shine and fog, - Phantoms of ancient mariners, lured by the reek - of our grog; - Noah and Hawkins and Kidd, up from the green - abysses, - And there, in a wine-stained galley, the ghost of - great Ulysses! - Eric the Red in a whale-boat, and with him, cheek - by jowl, - Silver begging a drain, God bless his wicked soul! - Ho! How she snorts! Hey! Hear her snore! - The wind slaps her nostrils, she hiccoughs for her - breath! - Steward, a corkscrew! You poor fish ashore, - By the bones of Reuben Ranzo, you can choke to - death! - With eyes of the darting witch-fire, like mist the - poor ghosts come, - And an anguished wind from the mist bellows and - whines for Rum-- - They have been thirsty so long! Let us be good - fellows still, - And open a hundred casks and let 'em wallow and - swill! - Quick! With a corkscrew! Oh, damn the wheel! - The captain's in his hunk, with a bottle to his eye! - The engineer is stoking with Scotch and lemon 'peel! - By Davy Jones's locker, the sea shall not go dry! - - - - -IV--A CERTAIN CLUB - - -To Winfield Moody - - Ah, dead and done! Forever dead and done - The mellow dusks, the friendly dusks and dim, - When Charley shook the cocktails up, or Tim--? - Gone are ten thousand gleaming moments, gone - Like fireflies twinkling toward oblivion! - Ah, how the bubbles used to leap and swim, - Breaking in laughter round the goblet's brim, - When Walter pulled a cork for us, or John! - I have seen ghosts of men I never knew,-- - Great, gracious souls, the golden hearts of earth-- - Look from the shadows in those rooms we love, - Living a wistful instant in our mirth; - I have seen Jefferson smile down at Drew, - And Booth pause, musing, on the stair above. - - - - -V--A TEMPERANCE TRACT - - -To Bob Dean - - - Cocktails are the little brooms - That whiskey way your will-power! - A dark disease is Bright's disease, - And will not yield to pill-power. - Some may upon red rums descant - Who never did decant rums, - But I have eaten bitter bread - Where bitters breed their tantrums. - The fool will give his life to booze, - The wiser man taboos that, - And I'm a sad Budweiser man - Than when I used to ooze that. - I owned a bank, and for a fad - I cultivated two lips; - If I had owned the mint itself - 'Twould all have gone for juleps. - Mumm's extra dry makes some men grow - As dry as any mummy, - But when I'm tight I loosen up-- - A punch, and I am chummy. - Except when I swore off in Lent - With borrowers I mingled; - They'd make my pockets cease to clink - Whenever I was jingled. - But though I drank with scarce a check - My drafts saved people trouble, - For I would often pay dubs twice - Because I saw 'em double. - O, cognac is a fearful drink - To brandy man with shame, O! - He will, that drinks diluted gin, - Die looted of good name, O! - I wined till I began to ail, - And then I whined with aleing, - Until to crown the woes I cite - I found my eyesight failing. - "Sir, fits will come," my doctor warned, - "Surfeits will bloat the mind, sir!" - I laughed and took my glasses off - And said, "I'll go it blind, sir!" - Champagnes and real incider me - Set my high spirits flagon; - Still with gay dogs I played the wag, - Deriding of the wagon. - My tongue was like a cotton bale, - All whitish from the gin, sir-- - The doctor said "No tongue can state - The state your tongue is in, sir!" - "With so much rye and corn you cope, - Your crowd are cornucopers-- - How can earth be Utopia - When peopled by you topers?" - But still I dodged from fete to fete, - Still followed by my fate, O! - Still floating loans and liquids till - My bank did liquidate, O! - Buns use up dough; what my fun did, - Were it refunded one day, - Would fund the Banks of Newfoundland - And float the Bay of Fundy. - Don't hitch your wagon to a star - Upon the brandy bottle; - If you your neck to nectar ope - Your hope 'twill surely throttle. - - - - -VI--A VISION IN THE NIGHT - - -To Grant Rice - - - Beyond Arcturus, in a peevish wind, - I met a rumpled devil beating home. - "And whence, poor Fiend," I challenged, "hast - thou come - With ragged plumage ravelled out behind - And splintered teeth and lamps all blear and blind? - What Fate hath bent a skillet o'er thy dome?" - He sighed, and in that sigh I read a tome - Of bleeding sorrows and - an aching mind. - "Rough Stuff," he moaned, "was what I got for - mine! - It was fierce Virtue put me on the bum, - Trampled my slats and wronged my winsome face-- - Once I was loved and called the Angel Wine! - Kicked hellward now, and hurtling out through space, - I am known only as the Demon Rum!" - - - - -VII--THE LAST CASE OF GIN - - -To Loren Palmer - - - The Tullywub is singing by the Willywinkle's grotto - His passionate devotion, though he knows he hadn't - ought to, - And she wipes away a teardrop with a little furtive - fin; - She is fluttered, but she's frightened by his outburst - of emotion - In their somewhat formal corner of a rather proper - ocean-- - And I can understand 'em, for I've got a crate of gin. - Interpretative theses on the psychochemic state - Induced in the batrachia by fear or love or hate - I find are rather easy since I've opened up the crate, - And I'm gonna be a scientist by morning. - A Willywinkle's seldom a sprightly thing or elfish, - But morally she's rigid as the most exclusive shell- - fish; - - She cans her rash admirer, but she cans him with a - sigh! - An analytic novel might be reared upon the basis - Of a very earnest study of the looks upon their - faces - And their brave renunciation when they sobbed and - said good-by. - I claim that the transmission of their fortitude and - pain - To succeeding generations will improve the moral - strain - Of the species here considered and their loss result - in gain; - And I wish I had some Angostura Bitters! - I have a strong impression of the immanence of - morals - In this quite extensive cosmos, from castor beans - to corals, - And Science and Religion, I will tell the world, are - one; - I should prove it, gentle reader, had we leisure time - before us, - I should prove it or expire in the act of hurling - Taurus-- - I wonder where the dickens has that silly corkscrew - gone? - I find, as I grow older, the pert Subliminal - Keeps butting in to chatter with egoistic gall: - Romance I meditated; this isn't that at all-- - But anyhow I have some limes and siphons! - - - - -VIII--CROWNED SINGERS - -To Charley Bayne - - - Liquor there is . . . but we knew happier - days! - When jug by jowl in many a tavern booth - We sat and glimpsed the world's ulterior truth, - And followed life through all its secret ways-- - What light flashed up on us in golden rays - Out of the booze, to blend with fire of youth! - Crowned singers, we! although, forsooth, - The Dipsas Snake still rustled in our bays. - Hail, Rum! Sweet Demon of my wastrel years! - Farewell, old mellow Angel, ripe with Vice! - Dreamers and singers, cronies, let us drink - A stirrup-cup of laughter and of tears! - Omar and Falstaff, both are on the blink-- - The Bitter People say they are not Nice! - - - - -IX--DOWN IN A WINE VAULT - - -To Harold Gould - - - [Ill 0118] - - - Down in a wine vault underneath the city - Two old men were sitting; they were drinking - booze. - Torn were their garments, hair and beards were gritty; - One had an overcoat but hardly any shoes. - Overhead the street cars through the streets were - running - Filled with happy people going home to Christmas; - In the Adirondacks the hunters all were gunning, - Big ships were sailing down by the Isthmus. - In came a Little Tot for to kiss her granny, - Such a little totty she could scarcely tottle, - Saying, "Kiss me, Grandpa! Kiss your little Nanny!" - But the old man beaned her with a whiskey bottle! - Outside the snowflakes began for to flutter, - Far at sea the ships were sailing with the seamen, - Not another word did Angel Nanny utter. - Her grandsire chuckled and pledged the Whiskey - Demon! - Up spake the second man; he was worn and weary, - Tears washed his face, which otherwise was pasty; - "She loved her parents, who commuted on the Erie; - Brother, I'm afraid you struck a trifle hasty! - "She came to see you, all her pretty duds on, - Bringing Christmas posies from her mother's - garden, - Riding in the tunnel underneath the Hudson; - Brother, was it Rum caused your heart to harden?" - Up spake the first man, "Here I sits a thinking - How the country's drifting to a sad condition; - Here I sits a dreaming, here I sits a drinking, - Here I sits a dreading, dreading prohibition, - "When in comes Nanny, my little daughter's - daughter; - Me she has been begging ever since October - For to sign the pledge! It's ended now in slaughter-- - I never had the courage when she caught me sober! - "All around the world little tots are begging - Grandpas and daddies for to quit their lushing. - Reformers eggs 'em on. I am tired of egging! - Tired of being cowed, cowering and blushing! - "I struck for freedom! I'm a man of mettle! - Though I never would 'a' done it had I not been - drinking-- - From Athabasca south to Popocatapetl - We must strike for freedom, quit our shrinking!" - Said the second old man, "I beg your pardon! - Brother, please forgive me, my words were hasty! - I get your viewpoint, our hearts must harden! - Try this ale, it is bitter, brown and tasty." - Said the first old man, "Hear me sobbing. - "Poor little Nanny, she's gone to Himmel. - Principle must conquer, though hearts be throbbing! - Just curl your lip around this kimmel!" - Down in a wine vault underneath the city - They sat drinking while the snow was falling, - Wicked old men with scarcely any pity-- - The moral of my tale is quite appalling! - - - - -X--ANACREON - - - To Ned Ranck - - - In the sunless land where thou art gone, - The shadowy realm of Proserpine, - Hast wine to drink, Anacreon? - Still hast thy lute its laughing tone, - Still do thy nymphs the ivy twine, - In the sunless land where thou art gone? - A Bacchus on a reeling throne, - Thy temples bound with trailing vine, - Hast wine to drink, Anacreon? - From cool deep caves of delved stone, - Do slaves still fetch thee Samian wine, - In the sunless land where thou art gone? - Or is a cup's mere semblance shown, - Then snatched from those parch'd lips of thine?--- - Hast wine to drink, Anacreon? - - Like Tantalus dost thou make moan, - Plagued by a mockery malign? - In the sunless land where thou art gone - Hast wine to drink, Anacreon? - - - - -XI--THERE WERE GIANTS IN THE OLD DAYS - - -To George Van Slyke - - - Gog was a giant, - Likewise so was Magog;-- - Gog says, "It's Christmas, - Please pass the Egg-nog!" - Gurgle! Gurgle! Gurgle! - Glug! Glug! Glug! - Gog says to Magog, - "It is full of Nutmeg,-- - Guzzle! Guzzle! Guzzle! - Glog! Glog! Glog!" - Magog says to Gog, - "Have some Haig and Haig!" - Gargle! Gargle! Gargle! - Grog! Grog! Grog!" - Gog says to Magog, - "Your eyes are all a-goggle! - You are all agog!" - Magog says to Gog, - "Your feet wiggle-woggle, - - You're gigglish as a gargoyle - And logey as a log!" - Gog says to Magog, - "I'm as gleg as a grig! - Gurgle! Gurgle! Gurgle! - Glug! Glug! Glug!" - Magog says to Gog, - "I'm jolly as a polly-- - Wiggle--waggle--wog - That's turning to a froggle, - A friggle--fraggle--frog! - Guggle! Guggle! Guggle! - Glog! Glog! Glog!" - And Gog filled his noggin, - And Magog his mug,-- - Magog was a giant, - Likewise so was Gog; - On New Year's morning - Both were on their legs, - And sat down to breakfast - And ordered ham and eggs! - - - - -XII--IN AN OLD-TIME TAVERN BOOTH - - -To Ben De Casseres - - - Drinking, I doze, and see the gods go by; - They wave to me the hand of comradeship, - For I am one with them, and at my lip - The cup of wisdom bubbles ... up the sky - A blur of moondust drifts to dull mine eye, - But through the veil my romping visions slip - To dance among the careless stars, outstrip - The racing planets where they swoop and fly, - And then . . . from somewhere east of Mars - a keen - Thin wind whines for a Dime; I drop one in - A sad Salvation Army tambourine - And hear a weary homily on Sin . . . - "Sister," I say, "you're right, and yet the Truth - Sometimes sits near me in this tavern booth." - - - - -XIII--THE OLD BRASS RAILING - - -To Charley Still - - - Our minds are schooled to grief and dearth, - Our lips, too, are aware, - But our feet still seek a railing - When a railing isn't there. - I went into a druggist's shop - To get some stamps and soap,-- - My feet rose up in spite of me - And pawed the air with hope. - I know that neither East nor West, - And neither North nor South, - Shall rise a cloud of joy to shed - Its dampness on my drouth,--. - I know that neither here nor there, - When winds blow to and fro, - Shall any friendly odours find - The nose they used to know,-- - - -[Ill 0127] - - - No stein shall greet my straining eyes, - No matter how they blink, - Mine ears shall never hear again - The highball glasses clink,-- - There is not anywhere a jug - To cuddle with my wrist,-- - But my habituated foot - Remains an optimist! - It lifts itself, it curls itself, - It feels the empty air, - It seeks a long brass railing, - And the railing isn't there! - I do not seek for sympathy - For stomach nor for throat, - I never liked my liver much-- - 'T is such a sulky goat!-- - I do not seek your pity for - My writhen tongue and wried, - I do not ask your tears because - My lips are shrunk and dried,-- - But, oh! my foot! My cheated foot! - My foot that lives in hope! - It is a piteous sight to see - It lift itself and grope! - I look at it, I talk to it, - I lesson it and plead, - But with a humble cheerfulness, - That makes my heart to bleed, - It lifts itself, it curls itself, - It searches through the air, - It seeks a long brass railing, - And the railing isn't there! - I carried it to church one day-- - O foot so fond and frail! - I had to drag it forth in haste: - It grabbed the chancel rail. - My heart is all resigned and calm, - So, likewise, is my soul, - But my habituated foot - Is quite beyond control! - An escalator on the Ell - Began its upward trip, - My foot reached up and clutched the rail - And crushed it in its grip. - It grabs the headboard of my bed - With such determined clasp - That I'm compelled to scald the thing - To make it loose its grasp. - Sometimes it leaps to clutch the curb - When I walk down the street-- - Oh, how I suffer for the hope - That lives within my feet! - Myself, I can endure the drouth - With stoic calm, and prayer-- - But my feet still seek a railing - When a railing isn't there. - - - - -XIV--ONCE YOUTH WAS MINE - - -To Frank Stanton - - - Once the wild raptures and the beating wings - Of Song were mine, the sun, the climbing flight; - The wind's great fellowship upon the height. . . . - Once Youth was mine, and the young heart that - sings! - But now the little things, the trivial things, - Beat down my spirit with their leagued might . . . - Could I, within some friendly Dive to-night, - Meet the Old Gang, 'twould make me young, by - jings! - As the mad lark rises, drunk with joy and sun, - When morning bends above the dewy meadow, - And his clear call proclaims: "The day is won!" - Over a hurried rout of driven shadow, - So should I rise and sing, had I a Bun. - O would that we were soused together, Kiddo! - - - - -XV--IN A TAVERN BOOTH - - -To Bob Lillard - - - Out of my forehead now the long thoughts reach - In level rays that melt the Pleiades, - Which, melting, somehow smell like toasted - cheese . . . - I know Life's secret now, but have no speech - To utter it: indeed, small wish to teach - My truths to trivial planets such as these - Whereon the populations drone like bees - That have no honey-gift, each stinging each . . . - And yet I will speak, too!... the slow words - come - With pain out of my deeps of ecstasy, - Burst from my soul as from a beaten drum - In a hoarse pulse of sound . . . But hark to - me! - "Life's secret is that all things cool somewhat - Like golden bucks"...but, somehow, that - seems rot. - - - - -XVI--AN ENGAGEMENT - - -To Kit Morley - - - There is a place, not far from Gissing Street, - In Paradise, where one can dream and laugh - You go through Shelley Lane, striking your staff - Upon the cobbles, turn with eager feet - Down Benet Place, and there you are! I'll meet - You, Christopher, and we shall quarrel and quaff - Our pewter tankards full of Shandygaff, - And eat and eat and eat and eat and eat! - And must we die first? Well, it's worth the trouble - I shall go first, because I'm old and gray, - And permanently I'll reserve a booth-- - And when you come, no doubt I'll see you double, - And as you land from Charon's skiff I'll say: - "Here, kid, taste this! Roll this upon your tooth!' - - - - -XVII--THE BATTLE OF THE KEYHOLES - - -To Jimmy Farnsworth - - - The keyholes to the right of me - Were dancing of a jig, - The keyholes to the left of me - Were merry as a grig, - The keyholes right before my face - Were drunk and winked at me, - And I stood there alone--alone!-- - With one - small - key. - - They frightened me, they daunted me; - I turned back to the stair, - And faced nine keyholes pale and stern - That lay in ambush there. - Six keyholes on the ceiling sat, - Eight keyholes on the door, - And seven saddened keyholes lay - Hiccoughing - on the - floor. - - I crawled through one, I crawled through two, - I crawled through keyholes three-- - And then I saw a vistaed mile - Of keyholes waiting me!-- - "I will not crawl another yard - Through keyholes, though I die!"-- - Oh, when my fighting blood is up - A Turk - am. - - They leapt at me, they flew at me, - They whistled as they came, - They gritted of their gleaming teeth, - They stung and spurted flame; - I put my back against the floor - And fought 'em gallantly--? - But what could anybody do - With one - small - key? - - Keyholes at the front of me, - And keyholes on the flank, - And as they rushed at me I smelled - The liquor that they drank; - Keyholes on my spinal cord, - And keyholes in my hair-- - And with a "Heave together, boys!" - They rolled - me down - the stair. - - It bumped me some, it bent me some, - It broke a nose or two, - And when the milkman came, he said: - "What Kaiser Belgiumed you?" - I says to him: "It might have been - The same with you as me - If you like me had had to fight - A gang of keyholes all last night - With one - small - key!" - - - - -XVIII--IN A TAVERN BOOTH - - -To Sam McCoy - - - I thought a Sun pursued; through endless space - I fled the following thunder of his feet; - Snorting he came, his breath a withering heat, - Blown soot of cindered comets freakt his face; - My hide caught fire and crackled with the pace, - My burning heart with jets of anguish beat; - Flaming I leapt, in flame leapt on the fleet - And savage star . . . We slashed our fiery trace - Ten constellations broad in screaming red - Across the startled purple of the night; - A word tremendous clove mine ears and head, - A great arm fell and stripped my wings of flight: - "Hey, Mister, pay your check!" a brute voice said. - It was a red-haired barkeep known as Ed. - - - - -XIX--YEARNINGS AND MEMORIES - - -To Jimmy Fisher - - - Liquor there is--but how I miss the Bar! - I miss a certain attitude of mind, - Congenial, which I seek but never find - Except beneath the golden triple star - Which from the brandy bottle shines afar. - I miss a type of jest that was designed - For roaring barrooms warmed with booze, and - kind-- - Good Gawd! how coarse and low my real tastes are. - I miss an ambling, splay-foot waiter's beak, - Which like some red peninsula of hell - Glowed through the humming barroom's smoky - reek-- - I miss the lies I used to hear men tell - Over the telephone to waiting wives-- - What sweet aromas had these joyous lives! - - - - -XX--DO YOU REMEMBER? - - -To Harry Dixey - - - Do you remember that first Morning Drink - When Ed would smile and say, "What shall it be?" - "Would you advise a Gin Fizz, Ed, for me?" - "It is too early for a Fizz, I think." - "And would an Absinthe put me on the blink, - I wonder, Ed?"--"Absinthe would not agree - This morning, sir."--"Then what's your recipe?" - "A bland Club Cocktail, delicate and pink!" - O kindly Barkeeps that have raised me up - From morning glooms and made me live again, - Where are ye now, and where your wizardry? - As dead as great Ulysses' faithful pup! - As dead as Babylon and James G. Blaine! - As dead as Gyp the Blood and Nineveh! - - - - -XXI--AND YOU MAY KECALL THIS - - -To Charley Edson - - - --"I wanchya meeta 'nol' 'nol frien' o' mine!" - --" Umgladdameecha! Bill's frien's my frien's, too!" - --"Thish frien' besh frien'! I gotto open wine!" - --"You gotto le' me buy thish drink f'r you!" - --"I gotto buy thish drink f'r 'nol' 'nol' frien'!" - --"Now, lishen, Jim! You gonna love thish lad!" - --"Billsh friensh is my friensh to th' bitter en'!" - --"Now, lishen, Jim! thish besh frien' ever had!" - Honest, hardworking drunkards! Hour by hour - They toiled on at their chosen task until - They bent beneath the burdens that they bore, - They bent and swayed, sustained but by the power, - Each one, of his Indomitable Will, - Which ever bade him conquer Just One More. - - - - -XXII--TRUE, BUT WHAT OF IT? - - -To Gilbert Gabriel - - - Old Demon Rum, they say you ruined homes, - Bashing the piteous Wife betwixt her eyes. - Stabbing Aunt Tildy with her own hair-combs, - And teaching your young offspring stealth and lies - Angel! they say that one night, lost to grace, - You filched the infant's coral from her crib, - Hocked it, and blew the loot at Leery's Place- - Then strangled Baby Sister in her bib - Because it purchased only sixteen beers! - Demon! they say you used to cut up rough, - Sowing the earth with poverty and tears-- - And I believe it readily enough! - I do admit your crimes as charged above, - But, Angel! crime can never kill my love! - - - - -XXIII--A SUMMER DAY DREAM - - -To Foster Follett - - - If there were many miles of me - How I would love to trail - My length along the cooling sea - Above the brown sea kale. - Were there five thousand feet of me - Instead of five feet four, - A thousand times as cool I'd be - Swimming from shore to shore. - And when I saw a brewery - Upon some cape or isle - I'd crawl out of the dripping sea - And greet it with a smile. - Then all my lovely coils I'd wrap - Around that brewery, - And when I'd squeezed out every drap - Slide back into the sea. - - - - -XXIV--ON SWEARING OFF AGAIN - - -To Dan Carey - - [Ill 0144] - - - Barleycorn, my jo John! - They say that we must part! - 'Twill mend my stomach, maybe, - But, O! it breaks my heart! - I hoped that we should grow old - Cheek by jowl together, - Boozing by the fireside - Through the wintry weather;-- - With white hair and red face, - Full of dreams and liquor, - Watching from an armchair - The firelight flicker;-- - - But Barleycorn, my jo John, - Fare ye well forever!-- - The preachers have my soul, John, - The doctors have my liver! - And I shall have an old age - Dry and dull as virtue-- - But never think, my dear friend, - I'm happy to desert you! - Barleycorn, my jo John! - To think that we should part--. - They say 'twill save my eyesight, - But, O; it breaks my heart! - - - - -XXV--AFTER SEVERAL HIGHBALLS - - -To Clive Weed - - - I saw three roses on the wall, - Three red, red roses on the wall, - Repeated in a pattern: - The first, I Cleopatra call, - The second one's named Sadie Hall, - The third one is a slattern. - Three flowers, all curlycues and swirls, - Each blare-mouthed like a trumpet; - One used to fish for swine with pearls, - The second was the best of girls, - The third one was a strumpet. - Three red-mouthed roses on the wall - As bright and hot as blood; - The first one caused an empire fall, - The second was just Sadie Hall, - The third died in the mud. - - - - -XXVI--CHANT ROYAL OF THE DEJECTED DIPSOMANIAC - - -To Hal Steed - - - Some fools keep ringing the dumb waiter bell - Just as I finish killing Uncle Ned; - I wonder if they could have heard him yell? - A moment since I cursed at them and said: - "This is a pretty time to bring the ice!" - --Old Uncle Ned! Two times of late, or thrice, - I've thought of prodding him with something keen, - But always Fate has seemed to intervene; - Last night, for instance, I was in the mood, - But I was far too drunken yestere'en----- - My way of life can end in nothing good! - At Mrs. Dumple's, last week, when I fell - And spoiled her dinner party I was led - Out to a cab; they saw I was not well - And took me home and tucked me into bed. - I should quit mingling hashish with my rice! - I should give over singing "Three Blind Mice" - - At funerals! Why will I make a scene? - Why should I feed my cousins Paris Green? - I am increasingly misunderstood: - When I am tactless, people think 'tis spleen. - My way of life can end in nothing good. - Why should one cry that he is William Tell, - Then flip a pippin from his hostess' head - That none but he can see? Why should one dwell - Upon the failings of the newly wed - At wedding breakfasts? Can I not be Nice? - I am so silly and so full of vice! - Such prestidigitator tricks, I ween, - As finding false teeth in a soup tureen - Are not real humour; they are crass and crude, - And cast suspicion on the host's cuisine: - My way of life can end in nothing good. - My wife and her best friend, a social swell, - Zoo-ward I lured to see the cobras fed;-- - "We can't get home," I giggled, "for the El - Is broken, Sarah--let's elope, instead!" - I spoke of all she'd have to sacrifice, - And she seemed yielding to me, once or twice, - Until my wife broke in and said: "Eugene, - Your finger nails are seldom really clean;-- - I'd loose poor Sarah's hand, Eugene, I would!" - How weak and stupid I have always been! - My way of life can end in nothing good. - I drink and doze and wake and think of hell, - My eyes are blear from all the tears I shed: - I'm pitiably bald: I'm but a shell! - I sobbed to-day, "I wish that I were dead!" - I wish I could quit drugs and drink and dice. - I wish I had not talked of chicken lice - The Sunday that we entertained the Dean, - Nor shouted to his wife that paraffin - Would make her thin beard grow, nor played the - food - Was pennies and her face a slot machine: - My way of life can end in nothing good. - --That bell again: A voice: "Is your name Bryce? - These goods is C. O. D. Send down the price!" - "Bryce lives," I yell, "at Number Seventeen!" - Bryce doesn't live there, but I feel so mean - I laugh and lie; my tone is harsh and rude. - --Uncle is gone! I'm phthisical and lean-- - My way of life can end in nothing good! - - - - -XXVII--PROVERBS XXIII, 29 - - -To Oliver Herford - - - From many a classic scroll and tome - In golden texts the warnings shine: - "If you must drink, get soused at home! - Will you get pickled? Then use brine!" - Each generation gets a sign, - But each one needs another prod - From scriptures human or divine-- - The Wastrel always drops his Wad! - Sleek Athens from the Attic loam - With ill intention coaxed the vine-- - Arcadian Simps admired the foam - While hair-oiled City Gents malign - Dropped philters in the neatherd's stein-- - Soon Corydon upon the sod - Lay coinless with a cloven chine-- - The Wastrel always drops his Wad! - - When Gallic ginks Cook-toured to Rome, - Or roaring Teutons from the Rhine, - The thought would fill some yokel's dome - To dally with the stranger's wine-- - Next reel: tough students sprain his spine - And bean him with a curule rod - And roll him down the Palatine: - The Wastrel always drops his Wad! - Raus! Bacchus, with that breath of thine, - And sad eyes like a bilious cod! - Me for the Tracts--I've learned, in fine, - The Wastrel always drops his Wad! - - - - -XXVIII--AN OBJECT LESSON - - -To Bobby Rogers - - -[Ill 0152] - - - A young man in a Mu-se-um - Was showing me a mummy - Who lay there patiently, but glum, - A-clasping of his tummy. . . - Cophetua or Kafoozelum, - Or some such regal rummy. - "In youth," says I, "this king was gay, - In spite of Mrs. Grundy; - He burnt the Nile one Saturday, - - But where was he on Sunday?" - I added, in my learned way, - "'Sic transit gloria mundi!' - "He conquered princes not a few; - They voted as he bid 'em. - From Babylon to Timbuctoo, - From Sheba up to Siddim, - He thought of things he shouldn't do, - And then he went and did 'em! - "He loved to send out royal bids - For high Egyptian jinkses - Where pretty Theban katydids - And little Memphian minxes - Would trot among the pyramids - And tango round the sphinxes . . . - "But now, in his sarcophagus, - How quite deceased we find him, - With sand in his aesophagus - And all his past behind him, - While Time (the anthropophagus!) - Is whetting teeth to grind him. - "Then note, my lad, the end of kings! - Therefore, avoid ambition, - For earthly greatness all has wings. - You stick to your position, - And if men come with crowns and things - To tempt you, go a-fishin'!" - "Was I a Kingly Souse," says he, - Impressed from A to Izzard, - "Would I wind up so leathery - As this departed wizard, - With baldness on the dome of me, - And gravel in my gizzard?" - "You would without a doubt," says I, - "Lose wealth and health and hair, O!" - Shaken with sobs he made reply, - "I promise, and I swear, O! - That I will never drink!--and try - And never be a Pharaoh!" - - - - -XXIX--A KANSAS TRAGEDY - - -To Charley Stansbury - - - I started from Missouri, - The western part of Missouri, - To ride to Nicodemus, - To Nicodemus, Kansas, - In the western part of Kansas; - Not far from Happy, Kansas, - In Graham County, Kansas . . . - Across the State of Kansas I started in a flivver . . . - A jolty little flivver with a rhythm rather jerky . . . - Irregularly rhythmical, when rhythmical at all . . . - I had to get to Nicodemus - By noon on Saturday to pay the mortgage - On a farm near Nicodemus, - Graham County, Kansas, - Belonging to a sweetheart who would otherwise be - rooned - Financially and so could not afford to marry me. . . . - As I entered into Kansas, - And crossed Miami County, - At the town of Ossawatomie - I received a telegraphic message - From my love at Nicodemus. - "Hasten with the money," said the telegraphic - message, - "Hasten with the money you are bringing from my - Uncle. - From my Uncle Jethro, in Missouri, - For the man that holds the mortgage, - Banker Jasper Grinder, who holds the fiendish - mortgage, - Has said he will foreclose it - And take away the homestead at noon on Saturday, - Or else I'll have to marry him, - To keep him from foreclosing, - Marry Banker Jasper Grinder to keep him from - foreclosing . . . - I would hate to marry Grinder, - But, on the other hand, - I would hate to lose the whole alfalfa crop . . . - Hasten with the money, - From my Uncle Jethro, - Hasten to your true love, Miss Elvira Simpkins, - At Nicodemus, Kansas." - Three hundred miles away - Was Nicodemus, Kansas, - Nicodemus, Graham County, - Not so far from Happy, Kansas - Could I do it in a flivver - In ten hours? - from Ossawatomie I started with a burst of speed, - That carried me to Quenemo, - To Quenemo, in Osage County, Kansas, - At the rate of forty miles an hour . . . - At a garage in Quenemo - I paused for gasolene, - At Quenemo, in Osage County, Kansas . . . - But the man that ran the place - With shrill bucolic snicker - Said: "There ain't no gasolene! - The gasolene in Kansas - Has all been took and contrabanded, - Leastways, commandeered, - Just one hour ago, - By order of the Governor, - The Governor of Kansas, - On account of military operations "... - No gasolene in Kansas! - And three hundred miles away my love, - My love, Elvira Simpkins, - Was waiting for the money I had got from Uncle - Jethro - To save the home at Nicodemus - From the clutch of Jasper Grinder! - "I will telegraph the money!" I shouted - With a flash of inspiration. . . - But the station agent told me, - "There ain't no telegraph nor nothing - Runs into Nicodemus, - To Nicodemus, Kansas. - As fur as I can see in this here book!" - And I looked at the wire from Elvira again - And saw it had been sent from Happy, Kansas, - And all the time the precious - Minutes fluttered by - Banker Jasper Grinder, in Nicodemus, Kansas, - Minute after minute, - Was approaching nearer to the hour of his desire . . . - I could hear him chuckle, - The dry and throaty chuckle that village bankers - chuckle - In the semi-arid regions - Another inspiration came to me and I cried: - "I will run my flivver - To Nicodemus, Kansas, - On alcohol, by heck! - I can make the engine in my little flivver - Run to Nicodemus, Kansas, - On alcohol, by Henry!" - But the crowd that gathered around me - Laffed and laffed and laffed . . . - "They ain't no alcohol in Kansas," - Said the crowd, between its chortles-- - "Kansas is a dry State, - It's prohibition Kansas, - And you'll never get to Nicodemus - Graham County, Kansas," - Just then the village toper - A gentle creature and decayed - Thrust into my hand a gallon - Of Stutter's Stomach Bitters, - He handed me four big quarts - Of Stutter's Stomach Bitters, - And I poured 'em in the tank and left the town of - Quenemo, with the engine doing lovely - And the flivver going strong - And I reached the town of Skiddy, - The town of Skiddy, Kansas, in Morris County, - Kansas, - And I drew up by the drug store and I yelled - For Stutter's Stomach Bitters . . . - "I must reach Elvira Simpkins, in Nicodemus, - Kansas, - 'Ere the clock strikes 12 . . . - Give me Bitters, give me Bitters! - Fill the tank with Bitters, for I race to raise the - mortgage - But the druggist said: "There's been a run on Bitters! - Considerable colic in this watermelon weather!-- - How about Stewroona?" - On a gallon of Stewroona I ran from Skiddy, Kansas, - As far as Elmo, Kansas, - And there I laid in nineteen quarts - Of prohibition appetizer: - Doctor Bunkus's Discovery for Kidneys - Westward, aver westward;": - To my love,- Elvira Simpkins - At Nicodemus, Kansas, - I ran on Doctor Bunkus, through the dryest belt of - Kansas, - Through the prohibition centre, - Dear Old Doctor Bunkus urged my little flivver; - From Elmo, to Palacky, - Six quarts of Lily Gingham's Discovery - And a dozen more of Bunkus - Took me nearer, nearer, nearer, - To my love, Elvira Simpkins . . . - From Palacky west to Pfeifer, - Through the town of Fingal, - Then northward to Ogallah, - I ran on Si wash Injun Soorah, - A Remedy for Liver Trouble, - Take a wineglass full before each meal. - Nearer, ever nearer, to my love at Nicodemus - From Ogallah north to Happy, - North to Happy, Kansas, in Graham County, - Kansas, - North and west to Happy, word of glorious omen . . . - And the villagers came down to sniff the glad aroma - Of the flying flivver - As I turned north to Nicodemus - At thirteen minutes until noon, - Filled once more with! Stutter's Stomach Bitters - I raced into the presence of my love,' Elvira Simpkins. - Alas! Alas! Ala: - Elvira did not clasp me in her sturdy Kansas - arms - She sniffed the air and said: - "I never will be wedded - To a man who reeks with liquor! - Give me Uncle Jethro's money! - And don't you leave that drunken flivver on the - streets of Nicodemus. - And she went and married Jasper Grinder after all. - - -THE END - - - - - - - - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's The Old Soak, and Hail And Farewell, by Don Marquis - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE OLD SOAK *** - -***** This file should be named 51920.txt or 51920.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/9/2/51920/ - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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