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diff --git a/old/51887-0.txt b/old/51887-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index ab8e46d..0000000 --- a/old/51887-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3246 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Etiquette Made Easy, by Edward Summers Squier - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Etiquette Made Easy - -Author: Edward Summers Squier - -Release Date: April 29, 2016 [EBook #51887] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ETIQUETTE MADE EASY *** - - - - -Produced by Chris Curnow, Emmy and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - - -ETIQUETTE MADE EASY - - - - -Made Easy Series - -ETIQUETTE MADE EASY - - BY - EDWARD SUMMERS SQUIER, M. A. - - -[Illustration] - - - NEW YORK - EDWARD J. CLODE - - - - - COPYRIGHT, 1919, BY - EDWARD J. CLODE - - _All rights reserved_ - - _Entered at Stationers’ Hall_ - - PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - - - - -PREFACE - - -THE POLITEST MAN of whom history has record was a Norwegian. A stranger -in a town of Norway asked a passing native the way to a certain -address. The native raised his hat, bowed, and said: - -“Sir, I am very sorry, but I do not know.” - -The stranger passed on. A few minutes later, he heard the sound of some -one running behind him. He faced about, and recognized the native, who -came, halted, and after a few deep breaths, said, while bowing with -uplifted hat: - -“Sir, after leaving you, I met my brother-in-law, and I regret to tell -you, Sir, that he also does not know.” - -In spite of this story with its Norwegian hero, first place is -usually given to the French in matters of politeness. There is an old -story that illustrates with remarkable precision the national traits -of French, English and German. This has to do with the manner of -lighting a cigar. The Frenchman strikes a match, offers the flame to -his companions, then makes a light for himself. The Englishman lights -his own cigar first, and then offers the match to his companions. The -German lights his own cigar, then throws the match away. The brief -recital contains something deeper than mere humor in its analysis of -national characteristics. The consideration of the Frenchman for others -is indeed the essential basis for all true courtesy. Genuine politeness -has its root always in a very real regard for the feelings of others. - -The ancient proverb declares that cleanliness is next to godliness. In -fact, so far as concerns casual associations, cleanliness is the more -important. We have ordinarily nothing to do with the morals of those -whom we encounter for a few fugitive moments, but the most fleeting -companionship with a dirty person is offensive, while a perfect -cleanliness is always pleasing in its effect. - -As a matter of fundamental courtesy toward others, we are required to -keep ourselves clean. Such cleanliness may be excellent as a hygienic -measure, but one most eminent physician has declared that bathing is -not essential to health, and he offers in proof of his assertion the -great number of old persons there are in the world. - -But those aged unwashed would be repulsive in refined society. Their -condition would distress others. Quite involuntarily, they would thus -be guilty of discourtesy. - -The principle of consideration for others that exalts cleanliness as a -virtue is the principle that actually fashions all the essential forms -of politeness. At a decent dinner-table, one must not smack his lips, -or make loud noises in taking soup from the spoon, for the simple -reason that such behavior will annoy others. Often, a sympathetic -person, absolutely untaught in the niceties of etiquette, will do -the right thing by a natural instinct of kindliness, where another -individual of polite breeding will do the wrong from sheer lack of that -fellow-feeling which gives understanding. - -Nevertheless, while the noblest courtesy must spring always from the -heart, common convenience has settled on definite methods of deportment -for various occasions. Ignorance of these details as to proper conduct -is not a matter to be contemned, but one to be regretted, because a -person thus ignorant, no matter how kindly his intention, must often -disturb others by failure to do the expected thing in the expected way. -In other words, he lacks knowledge of what are termed the proprieties. -It is with the intention of offering assistance to those finding -themselves in doubt as to the niceties of deportment that this book -has been prepared. - -It is arranged with the contents in alphabetical order, so that the -topics are self-indexed. - -In addition to the bulk of information set forth in the following -pages, there needs only one direction of importance. - -This is based on the ancient saying: “When in Rome, do as the Romans -do.” Practically every community has its local customs, and these are -always to be respected. There is nothing more snobbish than criticism -by a stranger of social forms that are well established. It is always -his duty to respect them and to observe them. Otherwise, he displays -that lack of consideration for others which is the root of all -rudeness. One sympathetically disposed toward his fellows who avails -himself of the information in this book may rest confident in the -assurance that he is indeed the possessor of good manners. - - - - -CONTENTS - - - PAGE - AT HOMES 13 - BACHELOR HOSTS 23 - BALLS 26 - BREAKFASTS 31 - CALLS 34 - CARDS 45 - DINNERS 61 - GARDEN-PARTIES 70 - HOUSE-PARTIES 75 - INTRODUCTIONS 84 - LETTERS 95 - LUNCHEONS 103 - MOURNING 106 - MUSICALES 113 - OPERA 117 - PRIVATE THEATRICALS 121 - RECEPTIONS 122 - SMOKING 123 - STAIRS 124 - STREET ETIQUETTE 125 - TABLE MANNERS 128 - TEAS 133 - THEATER-PARTIES 134 - WEDDINGS 141 - - - - -Etiquette Made Easy - - - - -AT HOMES - - -THE AFTERNOON TEA is perhaps the most popular of social functions, and -deservedly so, since it is essentially of the utmost simplicity, yet -may be expanded into a most elaborate social affair. In the original -simple form, the hostess merely welcomes her guests as they come to her -on her regular day at home, in the drawing-room, and there offers them -a cup of tea served by herself and light refreshments of sandwiches and -cakes and the like. - -The next development in the tea is in the nature of a small afternoon -reception, or at home. For this occasion, the hostess issues -invitations a week in advance. A visiting-card serves the purpose, with -a line written below the name: - - _Wednesday, June fourth - from four until seven o’clock_ - -If there is to be a guest of honor, an additional line may indicate the -fact: - - _To meet_........................ - -The procedure for the hostess at a function of this sort is more -formal. It is usual to have the refreshments in the dining-room, though -they should not be of an elaborate character. The teapot is placed -at one end of the table, and presided over by some friend, since the -obligations of the hostess prevent her rendering this hospitable -service in person. - -The third stage of the afternoon tea has come to take the place of the -old-time reception, though it bears merely the designation “At Home.” - -The requisite invitations must be sent out any time from a week to -a fortnight before the date set. For these, an engraved form is -essential. They are printed on heavy white bristol board, of the -quality described for dinner-invitations, and inclosed in a single -envelope. They may be issued in the name of the hostess alone, or in -the names of a hostess and her daughter or daughters, or in the names -of husband and wife—though this last is a very modern innovation. The -following will serve as a model: - - _Mrs. James French Putnam - - At Home - - April the seventh - - From four until seven o’clock - - 208 Flagg Avenue_ - -If the husband joins with the wife in issuing the invitations, the only -change is in the first line: - - _Mr. and Mrs. James French Putnam_ - -Where a daughter is to receive with her mother, the girl’s name appears -just below that of the matron: - - _Mrs. James French Putnam_ - - _Miss Putnam_ - -Where there are two or more daughters thus associated with the mother, -they are included under one title. Thus: - - _Mrs. James French Putnam_ - - _The Misses Putnam_ - -When a younger sister is to appear at her début, her name in full is -given a line after those of her mother and elder sister: - - _Mrs. James French Putnam_ - - _Miss Putnam_ - - _Miss Helen Louise Putnam_ - -In the event of a guest of honor, the invitation may emphasize the -presence of this personage by a special engraved announcement at the -head of the invitation: - - _To meet_ - - ...................................... - -The remainder of the invitation will follow any of the forms indicated -above. - -Or the announcement may appear in one engraved line at the foot of the -invitation: - - _To meet_................................ - -At a reception of this character, the hostess is obliged to remain -on duty near the door of the drawing-room throughout the hours set. -But a husband or daughter receiving with her, though expected to join -her in receiving the guests at the outset and for a considerable time -afterward, is not so rigidly held to the one place, but after a time -may properly move about among the guests with hospitable intent. - -But a débutante must remain at the post of duty with her mother -throughout the whole time. - -In recent years, there has developed a pleasant custom by which -the débutante invites a number of her young friends to join her in -receiving the other guests. It is usual to entertain these at dinner -after the reception. - -The refreshments for an occasion of this sort are served in the -dining-room with servants in attendance. Tea is poured at one end of -the table, and perhaps chocolate at the other, while a bowl of punch is -commonly at hand. The refreshments are of the buffet variety, but they -may be as rich and varied as the hostess chooses. At such functions -in the city, it is usual to lay a strip of carpet from the house door -to the curb, and an awning raised over this offers protection to the -guests in inclement weather. Where the list of guests is long, a -liveried servant at the curb not only opens the doors of the motors, -but also issues checks by which the cars may be summoned for the -departure of the guests. - -A butler opens the house door as the guest approaches, and gives -directions as to the dressing-rooms. Another liveried servant at the -door of the drawing-room announces each guest by name to the hostess. - -At such affairs, both hostess and women guests wear what is properly -termed a reception-gown—that is to say, one of elegance and richness, -with a train if the prevailing mode permits, but not decolleté or -sleeveless. Hats of a character harmonious with the gown are worn -throughout the function, as are gloves. - -The men wear black frock coats and gray striped trousers, with either a -black waistcoat or a fancy one according to choice. While he leaves his -coat and hat in the dressing-room at such formal affairs, a man retains -his gloves, either keeping the left glove on the hand, and carrying the -other, or carrying both. The right hand must be bare. - -Each woman guest leaves on a tray provided for that purpose in the -hall a card for her hostess and one for each of any other women -receiving. She may also leave similarly the cards of any other woman -member of her family who has been invited, but does not attend. - -The man leaves a card for his host if there is one, in addition to -those for the ladies. - -No reply is necessary from one invited to such a reception, either -of acceptance or of refusal. The presence of the guests is deemed a -sufficient answer. In the event of non-attendance, the guest must be at -pains to send cards, and these should be so timed in the sending that -they will reach their address on the day of the at home, preferably in -the afternoon. - -At crowded affairs, the guest displays good manners as well as good -sense by making the stay short. Twenty minutes is a sufficient time, -and departure should not be delayed much beyond a half-hour. It is -better not to say farewell to the hostess, unless the going should be -at a time when few guests remain, and she is obviously at leisure. - -The punctilious guest will make a point of arriving neither too early -nor too late. Between half-past four and six is recommended. - -The formal evening reception is less popular than in former days, but -it still prevails to a limited extent. The procedure throughout is -substantially the same as for that of the afternoon reception. The -wording of the invitation is identical, with the single exception of -the time specified. - -The line that indicated the hours from four until seven o’clock must be -changed to read: - - _From nine until eleven o’clock_ - -Or, it may be properly stated, if one’s taste so dictates: - - _After nine o’clock_ - -While for the evening reception all other formal details are the same -as for an afternoon affair, the costumes of the guests, both men -and women, are changed as befits the change in hours. The men are -scrupulous in the exactitude of their evening garb—swallow tail, white -linen and white cravat and white waistcoat, and patent-leather shoes; -while the women array themselves in their handsomest evening gowns, -decolleté and sleeveless, and display the richest of their jewels. - - - - -BACHELOR HOSTS - - -WHEN A BACHELOR entertains either in the afternoon or evening, he -follows in a general way the procedure indicated for receptions under -the heading “At Homes.” If the affair is to be elaborate, he may use -engraved invitations. - - _Mr. Hartley Fane Treadwell - - requests the pleasure of - - ................................. - - company - - on Wednesday afternoon, November the first - - From four until seven o’clock - - Nine East Third Street_ - -A word or two at the bottom on the left may indicate any special -entertainment, such as _Music_. - -But there are certain proprieties to be observed that are peculiar to -the bachelor. For example, he is not permitted to use a visiting-card -with a line written on it for less formal invitations. Instead, he must -write a note in the first person, or he may give the invitation orally. -The invitations should be issued a week or a little less before the -appointed time. - -There is one other requirement of vital importance. The bachelor must -always have a chaperon present for any gathering that includes both -sexes. And she must be invited by note, or orally—even in cases where -the formal engraved invitations are employed. - -The chaperon pours tea, and on occasions when the guests are seated at -table, she is given the place on the host’s right, unless there is a -guest of honor, when she is given the position on his left. - -The other women guests must take their departure at the same time as -the chaperon, unless they prefer an earlier hour. - -The presence of the chaperon at such entertainments makes it -unnecessary for the unmarried girl to provide one for herself. - -The chaperon should be a married woman, and her husband must be -included among the invited guests. - -When a bachelor wishes to issue engraved invitations for a formal -dinner-party or luncheon, he uses the forms provided respectively in -the chapters entitled “Dinners” and “Luncheons.” The directions as to -breakfasts also will be found appropriate in a general way as set forth -in the special chapter. - -A bachelor should always be punctilious in calling on a chaperon -shortly after any affair at which she has officiated, in order to -tender his grateful appreciation of her services in his behalf. - - - - -BALLS - - -THE INVITATIONS for a formal ball are engraved on a sheet similar to -that used for dinner-parties. But, like the dinner-invitations, they -may also be written by the hostess. In sending these invitations by -mail only one envelope is used when the invitation is written out. But -the engraved form is enclosed first in an unsealed envelope with merely -the name of the guest on the cover. This is put in a second envelope, -which is sealed and has both the name and address written on it for -posting. An engraved invitation, however, when delivered by a messenger -requires only a single envelope, sealed. - -These invitations must be sent out not less than ten days before the -date of the ball, and they may be issued three weeks before the -appointed time. - -The accepted form may be either of those following: - - _Mr. and Mrs. George Wheatley - - request the pleasure of your company - - on Wednesday evening, April the second - - at half-past nine o’clock - - Dancing 71 Hamilton Place_ - - _Mrs. George Wheatley - - Miss Wheatley - - At Home - - Tuesday, April the ninth - - at eleven o’clock - - Dancing 71 Hamilton Place_ - -It is permissible to write the initials, _R.s.v.p._ below the word -_Dancing_. - -In place of _Dancing_, the word _Cotillon_ may appear, if the whole -evening is to be devoted especially to this dance. So, too, the words -_Bal Poudré_ may be substituted for _Dancing_, if the affair is to be -a costume ball. Or any other form of entertainment may be similarly -indicated. - -The form used in accepting or declining such an invitation follows -exactly the wording given in a later chapter in connection with -dinner-invitations. - -It is the duty of the hostess to greet her guests as at a dinner-party, -and a daughter or daughters may assist her in her hospitable duties, -but such assistance is not required of them. The host, also, may join -his wife in receiving, and may make himself socially useful by various -attentions to the guests. But such action on his part is discretionary, -except that in the case of a woman guest of particular importance, -he should take her in to supper if this is served at tables. Where a -buffet supper is served, it is fitting that he should escort various -guests from time to time. - -It is not always necessary to invite mothers or chaperons to a private -ball, and in that case a girl may be sent with a maid to accompany -her. When the mother receives an invitation and accepts it, she may -choose not to remain, but to leave after entrusting her daughter to the -care of the hostess, or some other friend. - -At elaborate dances, the supper at midnight is served on small tables, -at which the guests are seated. The buffet supper is popular on account -of its convenience, since the guests select whatever pleases them at -any time. - -Unlike the rule as to dinners, there is no obligation for prompt -arrival on the ball guest. Likewise, the guest may leave at any time. -It is not necessary to seek the hostess for a farewell, but if she is -near, she should be addressed with appropriate phrase in appreciation -of the hospitality that has been enjoyed. - -A girl at a ball usually establishes herself in a seat by her chaperon, -to whom she returns according to her convenience after dancing. It -is perfectly proper for her, if at any time she wishes to be rid of -a partner, to ask that he accompany her back to this seat beside her -chaperon. - -Evening clothes are essential for the male guest at a ball, and the -wearing of white gloves is obligatory. A careful man is very likely to -provide himself with an extra pair. At informal dances, ungloved men -often cover the hand with a handkerchief to avoid any risk of soiling a -partner’s bodice. If a man serves as escort for a woman, or for a girl -and her chaperon, it is a part of his duty to provide a carriage to and -fro. - -The ball-dress for women is usually the most elegant their taste and -means will contrive. It is always decolleté, and commonly sleeveless. - - - - -BREAKFASTS - - -A HOSTESS MAY USE her visiting-card for invitations to breakfast, -simply writing on it below her name: - - _Breakfast at eleven o’clock - April the fourth_ - -A more formal affair may have an engraved invitation on paper similar -to that used in the case of dinners. This would have the following form: - - _Mrs. George Vinton Thorne - - requests the pleasure of - - ................................ - - company at breakfast - - on.................................... - - at.............................o’clock - - Eleven Green Street_ - -Or the hostess may, if she prefers, write a brief note of invitation -in the first person. Whatever form is employed, the invitations should -be sent out a full week, or a little more, before the date set for the -breakfast. - -The answer to such an invitation should be sent promptly, whether -in acceptance or in refusal. The form is identical with that for -dinner-invitations, except that the word _breakfast_ is substituted for -the word _dinner_. - -Where the invitation is a note written in the first person, the answer -must follow the same style. - -A breakfast of the more informal sort, with no more than eight or -ten guests, may begin as early as ten o’clock, but a later hour is -preferred for very ceremonious affairs, with noon most esteemed as the -hour. - -Grapefruit is usually served, with finger-bowl accompaniment, and the -meal that follows may be as simple or as elaborate as the taste and -resources of the hostess dictate. - -Usually both sexes are included among the guests at a breakfast. The -women remove their gloves after taking their places at table, but not -their hats. Veils may be removed entirely or pushed up out of the way, -according to the wearer’s choice. - -The guest should remain at least a half-hour after the conclusion of -the meal, but not longer than an hour unless justified by exceptional -circumstances. - -Frock or cutaway coats are worn by the men, and afternoon dress by the -women. The costumes for a ten o’clock breakfast should be somewhat -plainer than for one at the more formal hour of noon. - - - - -CALLS - - -FORMAL CALLS are to be made in the afternoon between three o’clock and -half-past five. - -If a hostess has a day at home, formal calls on her should be made on -that day. It is well also so to time visits for congratulation or to -return thanks for any hospitality, or the like, as to have them also -fall on the day at home. Usually, a due attention by visitors to this -set time for calling is appreciated by a hostess. - -While the formal hours for calls are in the afternoon as indicated -above, the time varies in different neighborhoods. Evening calls are -common in the country necessarily as a matter of convenience. And, -while in the city women pay no formal calls on Sunday, these are -permitted in smaller places. Ordinarily, too, there is license in the -country as to the length even of formal calls, which may be extended -without impropriety far beyond the limit of fifteen or twenty minutes -which is well established in the city. A new resident or visitor in any -community should be at pains to get information as to the local usage, -and conform to it in all details. - -It is permissible for men in our country to make social calls in the -afternoon on Sunday, or in the evening. The exigencies of business -are the excuse for the departure from the stricter form, which still -holds in the case of women. The hour of such evening calls in the -larger cities is from eight to nine, but the time is earlier in smaller -towns and in the country. In every instance, the local custom is to be -followed. Of course, too, men of leisure may pay their calls in the -afternoon. - -New residents in a neighborhood must await calls from those already -established there. In the city, the first calls of the social season -should be received by the hostess who first sends out her at-home -cards. Where women have met out of town, and wish to continue the -acquaintance in the city, the unmarried woman should call on the -matron, or one who is under any obligation for hospitality should make -the first call. Unless a distinction be drawn for some such reason, -either may properly pay the first visit. - -It is notorious that in the large cities there is no welcome for -the newcomer from the dweller next door or across the street. The -conditions of city life justify such aloofness. On the other hand, the -conditions of life in the smaller places warrant exactly the opposite -in the matter of hospitality. It is the recognized duty of the older -residents to welcome new arrivals by calling on them promptly, after -the strangers have had time to dispose themselves comfortably. - -There are many varieties of those calls that are imposed by formal -courtesy. Thus, in the matter of weddings, it becomes the duty of any -one who has taken official part in the affair, such as a bride’s-maid -or a best man, to call on the mother of the bride within a few days -after the marriage ceremony, and also to call on the bride immediately -after her return from the honeymoon trip. The like duty devolves on -invited guests to a home wedding, to a wedding-reception and to a -wedding-breakfast. - -A similar formal call should be paid to the hostess by each guest at -a dinner, or breakfast, or other special entertainment. Such a call -must be made within two weeks. The obligation is the same even in cases -where the invitation has been declined. - -As to the returning of calls, such visits should be made on the day at -home if there is one, and otherwise at a suitable time according to the -social usage of the neighborhood within a fortnight. But this ruling -applies properly only to the return for a first call. Afterward, a -longer or shorter interval may elapse between visits according to -the desire of the parties concerned. A former acquaintance may be -maintained merely by an annual exchange of calls. It must be noted, -however, that a call in person demands a personal visit in return. The -formal leaving of a card at the door does not suffice. - -Persons giving up their residence in a community or going on a long -journey should send their cards to their full visiting-list with the -initials _P.p.c._ (_Pour prendre congé_, for leave-taking). - -It occurs often that a person wishes to call on a friend in the home of -a stranger. Such a call is permissible, but the visitor should ask for -the hostess as well as the friend, and leave a card for her. - -In the matter of initiative, it is fitting that an elder woman should -invite a younger to the exchange of cards and calls, and that the -matron should thus invite the maiden. Where there is equality of years -or station, the first advance must depend on the personal inclinations -of the parties. - -The proprieties in reference to calls between women are thus seen to -be simple enough. There is more complexity in the procedure when it -has to do with the calling of men on women. It is not deemed proper -for a young unmarried woman to invite calls from men. Such visits on -their part are left to the discretion of the mother or chaperon. But, -undoubtedly, the débutante will see to it that mother or chaperon -does not fail in her functions. As to the older women, and those -married, there is some variation locally in the polite usage. Sometimes -the woman feels it her privilege to invite the man to call without -awaiting solicitation on his part; sometimes she requires that the -advance should be on the part of the man in the form of a request for -permission to visit her. - -If any person requires that a definite time should be given for the -emancipation of a girl from the social dominance of her mother or -chaperon, it may be set at about the twenty-fifth year, after which -time a young woman is theoretically fitted to decide for herself as to -who her visitors shall be. - -A young woman of sensibility will be extremely chary of her invitations -to men, and very sure before extending them that they are really -desired. If at any time a man fails to avail himself of such an -invitation, her self-respect will not permit her to repeat it. - -The strictness of the above rules of conduct has been greatly relaxed -in the case of the average American girl, who democratically insists -from the outset of her social career on her own choice in the matter -of acquaintances and friends. But even this laxity does not permit an -invitation to a man on the first meeting. Such haste is neither good -form nor ordinary prudence. - -In a consideration of formal calls, it should be noted that in -practise the offices of the wife are commonly accepted in her husband’s -behalf by her leaving his card when she pays her dinner-call, or the -like. The exigencies of business are supposed to justify this vicarious -method. - -While it is proper for a woman to call upon a man for business reasons, -social calls are forbidden. - -Calls of condolence, except when there is an intimate friendship, are -properly made by leaving a card. The expression of sympathy is usually -best made by a brief note. - -Calls of congratulation may be made by acquaintances of both sexes on a -woman who announces her engagement to be married. Calls following the -announcement of a birth are expected by the mother from the women of -her acquaintance. - -The day at home is such a social convenience that it is popular, not -only in the cities, but in many smaller towns. It is usually set for -one afternoon in the week, sometimes for an afternoon each two weeks -during the social season. The day should appear on the visiting-card. -The hours for entertaining on the day at home are from three until six, -but this period is frequently extended for another hour. The hostess -should devote herself assiduously to her guests, and should provide -some light forms of food and drink. Usually, tea is served. Sufficient -notice is given of the day at home by sending out the visiting-cards -at the beginning of the season. One advantage of the day at home is -that it justifies the hostess in not receiving casual callers on other -occasions. - -It is the duty of the hostess to meet and address each guest with a -handshake. “How do you do, Mrs. Smith? I am so glad to see you!” or a -similar phrase, should be used in greeting each arrival. She should -also introduce strangers to other guests near by. She should not leave -the reception-room to make her farewells to departing guests, unless in -case of some person of particular distinction. “Good-afternoon, Mr. -Brown. I shall hope to see you again very soon,” or the like, affords a -sufficient form of farewell. - -If the husband is present during his wife’s at home, he should -undertake to second her hospitable efforts to the best of his ability, -showing attention to any requiring it. - -A woman caller does not remove her gloves or veil, or even her wrap, -unless it is a heavy one. But rubbers and umbrella and any heavy outer -garment should be left in the hall. - -For a man, formal politeness permits the carrying of both hat and -stick into the drawing-room. But this rule is to-day more honored in -the breach than in the observance. And, too, the right hand at least -is usually ungloved. The hat and stick, when carried, are held in the -left hand, and should be retained throughout the call, though it is -permissible to put them down on the floor beside one, for greater -convenience when taking refreshments. - -When the day at home is of a formal sort, the women do not exchange -kisses in greeting, and the gloves are not taken off even when tea is -drunk. - - - - -CARDS - - -VISITING-CARDS are of three sizes, which remain practically the same -year after year. The largest is that used by matrons, while that of -the unmarried woman is a very little smaller, and that of the man much -smaller. The present style as to materials favors a polished bristol -board that is white and substantial without being too heavy. This -should be printed from an engraved plate in black ink. The lettering -may be a running script or old English. - -Under no circumstances should a woman’s card carry any prefix other -than _Mrs._ or _Miss_, but one or the other of these invariably -appears. This rule does not apply in the case of professional women -who may wish a distinctive card for business purposes, with its prefix -of _Dr._ or _Rev._ Such a card would also carry the address in the -lower right-hand corner and perhaps office-hours in the lower left-hand -corner. But even the professional woman requires the plainer form of -card for social purposes. - -There is a tendency at present to give the name in full on the card. -For example, _Mrs. John James Smith_, or _Miss Maude MacArthur_. - -It is permissible for the senior matron of a family to use only the -family name on her card with the prefix: for example, _Mrs. Fuller_. -It is more common, however, to omit the Christian name of an eldest -daughter who is unmarried: _Miss Fuller_. The other daughters require -the Christian name on their cards: _Miss Mary Fuller_, _Miss Gladys -Fuller_. - -The tendency in this country is strongly against the omission of the -name in either of the above cases. Although it is perfectly correct as -a social usage, it is opposed to the spirit of our institutions. - -There is some variation in the use of the name on the card in the case -of a widow. It is within the woman’s choice whether she will continue -to use the Christian name of her husband on the card, or will put her -own in place of it. In other words, she may use the same cards after -the death of her husband as before if she prefers, or she may follow -the _Mrs._ with her own Christian name. A common form to-day gives -the woman’s Christian name and the surname to which she was born and -finally the surname of her husband. A present vogue permits also the -use of only the two surnames, without the Christian name. Thus, Mary -Brown marries James Robinson. The husband dies and the widow changes -her visiting-cards, which have read, _Mrs. James Robinson_, so that -they now read, _Mrs. Mary Robinson_. Then presently she grows ambitious -socially and has her cards changed to read, _Mrs. Mary Brown Robinson_. -Soon, she seizes on a newer style, and again changes her cards in -accordance with it to read, _Mrs. Brown Robinson_. - -It should be noted that the variations in cards practised by widows are -used also by divorced women. And when a divorcée resumes her maiden -name she properly uses with it the prefix _Mrs._, not _Miss_. - -As a matter of strict propriety, a girl during her first social season -does not formally use an individual card. Her name appears below that -of her mother in the same lettering. When making calls unaccompanied by -her mother, the latter’s name is crossed out with a pencil mark. - -Where two daughters of nearly the same age are concerned, both are -included on the mother’s card by the words _The Misses_, followed by -the family name. - -The above details are applied especially to a débutante in the first -season. Afterward, a young woman uses her own individual card when -calling alone. But this card should not carry on it the day at home. -The at-home statement appears on the mother’s individual card. It is -given also on the card combining the names of mother and daughter. The -combination card may with correctness be frequently used in appropriate -circumstances until the daughter’s marriage. - -The notice of the day at home is placed in the lower left-hand -corner of the card. Only the day of the week is given, or with such -qualification as may be required if the at-home day is not of weekly -recurrence. The hours should not be specified unless they are a -distinct variation from the customary time, between three and six. In -addition, a time limit to the at homes may be specified. Thus, _Fridays -until March_. Of course, the beginning is set for any individual by -reception of the card. - -A married woman finds frequent use for a card in combination with her -husband, though this by no means takes the place of her individual -cards, and, while it bears the address in the lower right-hand corner, -does not usually give the at-home day. This card may properly be used -for those formal occasions in which her husband is concerned. For -example, it may fittingly accompany a gift from husband and wife. It -serves also for announcing a marriage with the residence of the bridal -couple. - -A man’s visiting-card always carries the prefix _Mr._ The single -exception to this is when _Jr._ follows the name. The name is commonly -given in full, but it is permissible to use only the initial of the -middle name. It is strictly proper for the male head of a family to use -only the family name on his card, preceded by _Mr._ Thus, the head of -the Smiths—could he be located—might use on his visiting-card merely -_Mr. Smith_, instead of _Mr. John Smith_. - -The home address appears in the lower right-hand corner of the card, -and a bachelor may add also the name of a club in the lower left-hand -corner. The business address, of course, should never appear on the -card used for social purposes. Likewise, a day at home should not be -given by a bachelor even though he may entertain regularly. - -It is a safe rule to avoid titles on the visiting-cards of men as of -women. The only exceptions are in instances little likely to concern -the average reader of this book. Such instances are afforded by the -President of the United States, the Vice-President, Ambassadors, the -higher Judiciary, Army and Navy Officers, clergymen and physicians. The -custom in the army, however, forbids any prefix except plain _Mr._ to -an officer below the rank of Captain. - -In the case of all officers the nature of his command is properly -stated in a lower corner of the card. - -Lawyers and physicians should have only the home address on the card -used for social purposes. Another card with the business address -should be used for business purposes. But _Dr._ is properly used by -the physician in place of _Mr._ on his visiting-cards. Likewise, a -clergyman uses _Reverend_, or its abbreviation _Rev._, on all his -cards, which are commonly identical for both social and professional -uses. - -The letters indicative of degrees are not given after the name on the -visiting-card, though a single exception is sometimes made by clergymen -who omit _Rev._ before their names and, in lieu of it, use _D.D._ -following the name. - -When it becomes necessary, for any reason, to write one’s name on a -visiting-card, the prefix _Mr._ should be given, following the ordinary -form of the engraved card. - -Care should be taken in the case of mourning-cards to avoid a too -ostentatious parade of grief by an unduly broad margin of black. -Somewhat less than a half inch is permissible for a widow’s card, and, -after the first year, it is well to have this width reduced. Often, -other reductions in the size of the border are made at intervals of six -months, as long as the period of mourning continues. - -The card of a widower must carry a border proportionately narrower, as -its size is smaller than a woman’s card, but the decrease in width is -made after the same manner. - -When a woman elects to remain in mourning permanently, the narrow black -border may be retained throughout her lifetime. - -It is not customary to make variations in the mourning border for the -commemoration of persons other than husband or wife. For these, a -fitting width is about a twelfth part of an inch, which remains the -same throughout the period of mourning. - -When a call is made on a day at home, the card or cards are commonly -left in the hall on a tray placed for that purpose. A married woman -calling on the at-home day of another married woman for the first time -in the season leaves her own card and two of her husband’s cards. But -in later calls on the at-home day she leaves her card and the two cards -of her husband’s only when the call acknowledges entertainment offered -to them by the hostess. - -There has been considerable simplification in recent years as to the -leaving of cards. They are no longer weirdly bent in sign of delivery -in person, and a smaller number are used. Thus, though the hostess -referred to above may have unmarried daughters receiving with her, -cards for them need not be left. But the presence of a married daughter -or a friend formally assisting in the reception of the guests requires -the leaving of a card. - -A woman leaves no cards for the men of the family where she visits. - -It is the business of the wife to fulfill her husband’s formal social -duties by leaving his cards with hers whenever entertainment should be -acknowledged. - -Where two spinsters share a residence, a woman caller, the first time -in the season, should leave two of her cards, and also, if she is a -married woman, two of her husband’s. So, too, a card should be left -for a daughter or sister who is hostess of the house, even though she -may be unmarried. - -When an unmarried girl uses her individual card, she should follow the -procedure indicated for the matron in the use of hers. Or she may use -the combination card of her mother and herself as already described -above. - -A call on a mother and daughter who are out requires the leaving of two -cards. The same procedure is necessary in the case of a hostess who -has a friend staying with her. Likewise, a call made on a friend who -is a guest in another’s house demands the leaving of two cards. This -rule applies in the case of a man as well as of a woman. It should be -observed that two cards are deemed sufficient in most cases. Where, -however, the hostess has a guest staying with her and also daughters of -her own, three cards are to be left. - -A man wishing to call on a particular woman must be punctilious -in leaving cards not only for the particular one in whom he is -interested, but also for the mother or chaperon, and still a third for -the host. But, if a call is made on a woman on her at-home day, no card -need be left, unless the call is in acknowledgment of entertainment. In -the latter case, a single card is left for the host. It is advisable, -however, that in his first call he should leave a card for convenience -in the matter of address. - -It is permissible on certain occasions to leave visiting-cards with -the servant at the door, or to send them through the mail or by a -messenger, instead of making the call in person. Sometimes a woman who -is owing a call thus sends her card along with an invitation, as for -luncheon or dinner. The invitation is considered to justify the merely -formal matter of the card. So, too, a person receiving an invitation -from a hostess who is a stranger must, if the invitation is declined, -leave cards within two weeks after the date of the entertainment. An -invalid may send cards through the post in acknowledgment of calls of -inquiry, and a woman in mourning is able to fulfill her obligations in -the same manner. Cards are formally left by all who receive invitations -to a church wedding, and the requirement is the same for those to whom -an announcement of the marriage is sent. Such cards are demanded of -men and women both, to be left for the mother of the bride within a -fortnight after the ceremony. Cards are left within a proper time after -any form of entertainment to which the members of a club are invited, -though there may be no other social acquaintance with the hostess. In -calls of condolence or inquiry, cards are always left. They may be used -also, as hereinbefore stated, to announce a prolonged absence or a -change of address. - -When cards are left in person, they are delivered to the servant -at the door. One or two or three are to be left according to the -circumstances. The caller should tell the servant the persons for whom -the cards are designed. - -Good taste dictates that calls of inquiry concerning the condition of a -sick person should be made in person. Cards should be left at the time -of such calls, except in the case of intimates. The cards should not be -mailed or sent by messenger. - -Acknowledgment of cards of condolence are made after a funeral by a -large black-edged card of thanks, which should be sent within a month. -Such cards are usually merely printed, not engraved. The wording should -be of the simplest. - - _Mrs. Jack Robinson - - returns thanks to - - ............................. - - for her kind sympathy_ - -The address of the one sending the card should appear at the bottom. - -The form is varied according to circumstances. Thus: - - _Mrs. Montgomery James and Family - return thanks for your kind sympathy_ - -Some persons prefer to leave their visiting-cards with the mourning -border on those to whom acknowledgment is due, instead of sending -the special card by mail. Personal calls, however, are not made by -those in mourning within three months at least of the time of the -funeral. If earlier acknowledgment is to be made, the visiting-card -with mourning-border may be sent by mail within a few weeks. A word of -thanks should be written on the card. For example: - - _With grateful appreciation of your sympathy_ - -The use of _P.p.c._ cards has already been described in the chapter -on calls. It should be added that they are convenient when one is -leaving on short notice without time to pay in person all calls due. -The _P.p.c._ card involves no duty of acknowledgment on the part of its -recipient. - -A woman temporarily stopping in any place sends cards containing -her address to any acquaintances she may have there. Her ordinary -visiting-card serves the purpose, with a pencil line drawn through the -engraved address and the temporary one written above it. But a man, in -the same circumstances, makes his calls in person. - -The new-born infant embarks on its social career by means of the card. -The birth of a child is made known to the mother’s social list by -mailing the mother’s card, which has tied to it by a strip of white -satin ribbon a card only a quarter as large carrying the full name of -the baby. In this case, the prefix _Mr._ or _Miss_ is omitted, but the -date of birth appears in a lower corner. The recipients of these cards -are required to call with inquiry as to the health of the senders, -and to leave their cards in return. Persons residing at a distance -may post their cards of acknowledgment, with a penciled phrase of -congratulation. - - - - -DINNERS - - -FORMAL INVITATIONS to dinner should be sent between five and ten days -before the date. A hostess may use her own discretion as to whether she -will write the invitations by hand or use an engraved form. The wording -is the same in either case. - - _Mr. and Mrs. Walter Peck - - request the pleasure of - - ........................................... - - company at dinner - - on.................evening - - at........................o’clock - - 401 Armstrong Street_ - -The engraved form should be printed on a large, heavy piece of bristol -board in old English or block type, or in script. When the dinner has -a guest of honor, notice of the fact may be given by a line across the -bottom of the invitation: - - _To meet Captain Arthur Shayne_ - -Or a special small card may be inclosed with the invitation, on which -is engraved a similar phrase. - -When the affair is of extraordinary importance, the form of invitation -may dignify the purpose by announcing it at the outset. - - _To meet - - The Bishop of Albany - - Mr. and Mrs. William Astor - - request the pleasure of - - ........................................ - - company at dinner - - on...........................evening - - at.............................o’clock - - 401 Armstrong Street_ - -For dinners to which only a small number of persons are invited and -these mutually acquainted, the formal mode of invitation is not -required. A simple note is sufficient. - - _31 Hamilton Place, - March 7th, 1919_ - - _My Dear Mrs. Robinson:_ - - _Will you and Mr. Robinson, if disengaged, give us - the pleasure of your company at dinner on Friday the - thirteenth, at half-past seven o’clock?_ - - _Yours sincerely, - Edith MacArthur_ - -This form may be varied according to the taste of the writer and the -degree of intimacy with the person to whom the invitation is sent. - -When it becomes necessary to invite some one to take the place of a -guest who is unable to be present, this late invitation should not -be of the formal sort, but should be contained in a note frankly -explaining the circumstances. Such invitations, of course, are never -made to merely formal acquaintances. - -The custom formerly prevailed of writing the initials _R.s.v.p._, on -the dinner invitations, the initials of the French words, répondez, -s’il vous plaît (reply if you please). But this usage has lost favor. - -An invitation to dinner demands an immediate answer, either accepting -or declining. The invitation cannot be accepted conditionally, nor can -the decision be delayed. The form of reply should be as simple as the -form of the invitation. - - _17 North Street - - April 30th, 1919 - - Mr. and Mrs. Sloan Potter - - accept with pleasure - - Mr. and Mrs. John Morehouse’s - - invitation to dinner - - Tuesday evening, May the sixth - - at half-past seven_ - -For a declination, the following form may be used: - - _17 North Street - - April 30, 1919 - - Mr. and Mrs. Sloan Potter - - regret that their absence from the city - - must prevent their acceptance of - - Mr. and Mrs. John Morehouse’s - - invitation to dinner on - - Tuesday evening, May the sixth - - at half-past seven_ - -The invitation in the form of a note is answered similarly by a note. -Thus: - - _42 Chestnut Street - April 30, 1919 - - My Dear Mrs. Morehouse:_ - - _It is with much pleasure that I accept your kind - invitation to dinner on Tuesday evening, the sixth, at - half-past seven o’clock._ - - _Yours sincerely, - Helen Potter_ - -A declination should state a courteous reason. - -All such answers are addressed to the hostess alone. If she is married -the husband is, nevertheless, omitted from the address. - -The reply to an informal invitation should always be correspondingly -informal. - -For a formal dinner, there should be an even number of guests, eight or -ten, or more, with the sexes evenly divided. - -Either a round or square table will serve, but it should be large -enough to accommodate all the party without crowding. - -A pad should cover the table. The white cloth over this should be so -large that the corners reach nearly to the floor. - -A folded napkin is placed on each plate, with a roll or piece of bread -laid within it. Three forks are laid to the left of the plate, with -prongs up. Two steel knives are to the right of the plate, and then a -silver knife, the edge of each to the left. A soup spoon follows the -silver knife, and then an oyster fork. Other utensils are sometimes -added, but are not necessary. - -A goblet for water is placed before the knives. With it are grouped -whatever wine glasses may be required. A small card lying on the napkin -carries the name of the guest to be seated here. - -When dinner is announced, the host offers his arm to the woman who is -to sit on his right, and leads the way to the dining-room. Already, in -welcoming the guests, the hostess has made known the dinner-partners, -introducing them when necessary. These now follow in pairs to the -dining-room. The hostess brings up the rear. The guests find their -places by the cards. - -The hostess does not rise in greeting a late arrival, even a woman. But -the host does, and sees to the seating of the laggard. - -It has long been the custom for the ladies to leave the dining-room -after the fruit course, and to have coffee served in the drawing-room. -In such case, the men stand until the women have passed out. -Afterward, they seat themselves where they please, and smoking is -permitted. The present-day tendency, however, is toward lessening -the time of this separation and often doing away with it altogether, -especially at less formal dinners, which otherwise follow an -essentially identical routine. - -Both host and hostess must say farewell, standing, with a handclasp, to -each guest. - -As for the guest, his first duty is to arrive exactly on time. Fifteen -minutes of delay is the limit. - -On ceremonious occasions, the hostess writes a lady’s name on a card, -and places it in an envelope. This is given to the male guest on his -arrival by a servant, and from it he learns the identity of the one he -is to take in to dinner. When the dinner is announced, he offers his -arm, and escorts the woman into the dining-room, where he pulls out her -chair, and stands until she is seated. - -It is permissible for dinner-partners, after the opening courses, to -give some attention to their other immediate neighbors. - -A guest is free to leave at any time after the conclusion of the -dinner. Usually, an hour is long enough to remain after the meal is -ended. - -In taking leave, the guest must express a courteous appreciation of the -hospitality that has been extended. - -“I am under deep obligation to you, Mrs. Johnson, for a most delightful -evening.” - -This, or any similar pleasant phrases of gratitude, will serve. The -words of appreciation should be particularly addressed to the hostess -always. - -Evening dress is required for all guests at a formal dinner. For -men, the regulation swallow-tail is imperative. The wearing of a -dinner-jacket is not allowable on any occasion of ceremony. - - - - -GARDEN-PARTIES - - -GARDEN-PARTIES are probably destined to grow in popularity in this -century, for they offer one of the simplest and most pleasant forms of -entertainment during those seasons when the outdoors is attractive. - -For such an affair, the hostess sends out invitations about ten days -beforehand. These may be engraved on white bristol board, in which case -either one of two forms is permissible. - - _Mrs. Melville Stratton - - At Home - - Friday afternoon, April third - - from four until seven o’clock - - Garden-Party Nine Park Square_ - -Or: - - _Mrs. Melville Stratton - - requests the pleasure of - - ............................. - - company on Friday afternoon - - April third - - from four until seven o’clock - - Garden-Party Nine Park Square_ - -If less pretentiousness is preferred for the occasion, the hostess may -merely use a visiting-card. Below her name she writes: - - _Garden-Party, April third, four to - seven o’clock._ - -Still a third method of issuing the invitations is by means of a short -note, written in the first person. - -The formal engraved invitation demands a prompt reply, written in -the third person. An acceptance might properly take this mode of -expression: - - _Mr. and Mrs. Clinton Brewster - - accept with pleasure - - Mrs. Stratton’s kind invitation - - for April third. - - Thirty Abernethey Row - - May twenty-fifth, 1919_ - -A refusal might be in the following form: - - _Mr. and Mrs. Clinton Brewster - - regret that a previous engagement - - - prevents their acceptance - - of Mrs. Stratton’s kind invitation - - for April third - - - Thirty Abernethey Row - May twenty-fifth, 1919_ - -When the invitation is by means of the visiting-card, an answer is not -obligatory. Yet, it is well to acknowledge this form of invitation, -also, by sending a short note written in the first person, either -accepting or refusing. - -Of course, when the invitation itself takes the form of a note, the -answer should follow the same style. - -It is part of the duty of the hostess to put her house in order, as -well as the grounds. The guests on arriving may, in many cases, go -within before greeting the hostess, to lay aside wraps or heavy veils. -Moreover, weather conditions may make it necessary to seek shelter -indoors. It is often convenient also to have the refreshments set -out on the porch. These should include hot and cold tea, punch or -claret-cup, cakes, sandwiches, salads, fruits in season, and the like, -which are partaken of by the guests according to their pleasure. - -Or a marquée may shelter the refreshments—a tent roof set up at any -desired place on the lawn. - -The hostess receives her guests on the lawn. She wears an afternoon -gown, suitable for the season, and a hat. But, if she prefers, she may -leave off the hat, and use a parasol in its stead. - -The women guests, too, wear their most effective afternoon gowns and -also hats and veils and gloves, which are not taken off. - -The men may wear frock or morning coats and silk hats, and this garb -is common at garden-parties in England. In this country, however, more -comfortable clothes are popular, and flannels, or other fabrics of -light material, are favored. - -Guests leave their cards on a tray provided for that purpose in the -hallway of the house. The requirements concerning cards have already -been fully explained in the chapters on cards and at homes. - -After greeting the hostess, a guest must remain for at least twenty -minutes, and may properly continue on throughout the whole afternoon. - -Discretion should be used in the matter of saying farewell. It should -be omitted if the hostess is occupied. If she is free, good-bye may be -spoken, and with it a phrase in appreciation of the hospitality. - - - - -HOUSE-PARTIES - - -THE HOUSE-PARTY is made up of any number of guests, from half a dozen -to a score, and may be merely for a few days or for any desired length -of time. But, whatever is to be the length of the guest’s stay, it -should be specifically stated in the invitation. It is a common saying -that an invitation that sets no time for the visit is no invitation at -all, and the saying is quite true. - -So, in writing her invitation, a hostess mentions the exact day for -the guest’s arrival, and, as well, the exact day of departure. The -invitation is always a note written in the first person. The following -may serve as an illustration: - - _The Oaks, Hyde Park. - April 10, 1919._ - - _Dear Mrs. Ashland:_ - - _I should be delighted to have you come to us for the - next week-end, and I hope that there is no previous - engagement to prevent your giving us this pleasure._ - - _The best train for you to take from the city is the - one leaving at three in the afternoon. Mr. Lawrence - will meet this at the station here on Friday._ - - _In eager anticipation of your visit, believe me,_ - - _Cordially yours, - Ella Lawrence_ - -The guest’s answer to the invitation must be of the promptest, whether -it accepts or rejects the proposal of a visit. It should, of course, be -written in the first person. The wording is a matter for the individual -taste, and the form following is offered merely as a suggestion. - - _47 Tremont St., - New York._ - _April 11, 1919._ - - _Dear Mrs. Lawrence:_ - - _I am more pleased than I can tell you to receive your - kind invitation, since there is nothing to prevent my - acceptance of it. I shall take the three o’clock train - on Friday afternoon for Hyde Park, and I am looking - forward very eagerly to being with you so soon._ - - _Yours sincerely, - Roberta Ashland_ - -The declination of the invitation should contain some fitting -expression of regret, and an explanation as to the causes that render -an acceptance impossible. - -It is imperative that a girl should be met at the station by her host -in person, or, if convenient, preferably by the hostess, or perhaps by -both. But this attention is not obligatory in the case of a married -couple or with a bachelor guest. But these, too, should be met at the -station by a servant if not by the host, and duly conveyed to the house -where they are to be entertained. - -The guest on arrival should be welcomed at the entrance by the hostess, -if she has not been to the station, and after the greetings she escorts -the guest, if this is a woman, to the chamber she is to occupy, and -there leaves her to freshen herself after the journey. - -When the luggage is brought in, a competent maid will unpack it and -distribute the contents through the drawers of the bureau and in the -closet, and render such other services as may be required. A less -competent maid can at least unstrap the luggage, remove trays, and help -in the disposal of the contents. - -In the case of a man, after being greeted by his hostess, he is -conducted to his room by the host. - -The wardrobe requirements for the visitor at a house-party are -regulated by the probable nature of the entertainment that will be -provided, by the season of the year, and by the particular social -status of the hosts. No hard-and-fast rule can be given. Thus, where a -woman visits a country house for a few days in the summer, she needs -no larger wardrobe than can be carried in the tiniest of trunks, -suitcase and hat-box. The hat used for traveling will serve her also on -occasion during the visit, but she will need in addition a sport-hat -for tramping or out-door games and another hat of sufficient elegance -for wear at a lawn party or wherever more elaborate dress is necessary. -The frocks should follow the lines thus indicated, and there should -be a sufficiency of dainty waists and footgear besides the inevitable -decolleté gowns for evening wear. - -For the man, also, evening clothes are essential, and he should be -provided with flannels, besides the business suit in which he travels. -For winter, the change in season would demand a corresponding change -in the matter of dress, especially for out of doors. - -The hostess plans sufficient entertainment for her guests, but, if -she is discreet, she does not plan too many things. It is customary -to leave the mornings to the devices of the guests, to be occupied by -them according to their individual pleasure. Where a morning start is -required on some expedition, such as a picnic, the hostess is likely to -leave the evening free from any special entertainment. - -It is the duty of the guest to conform to the habits of the household. -If the party assembles together for breakfast, he or she must make -one of the number though the hour may be too early or too late for -personal convenience. Likewise, the guest should accept such disposal -of his or her time as the hostess may choose to make, even when the -preference would be quite otherwise. The tactful hostess, of course, -studies the likes and dislikes of her guests, and seeks to reconcile -her hospitality so far as possible to their prejudices. - -It is customary to give tips on leaving a house-party to those servants -with whom the guest has been brought more closely in contact. The maid -who has attended to the room should receive a dollar from the visitor -for a few days; the butler, if there is one, should receive a dollar -and a half. The amount for the chauffeur should be regulated to some -extent by his personal service in the guest’s behalf. Where there has -been none, a dollar is sufficient. - -These figures are applicable in the cases of unmarried women and -bachelors, although the tendency of the latter is to give more. The -sums named, however, are regarded as acceptable by the servants -themselves. Naturally, they enjoy the lavish, even prodigal tips given -by certain persons of wealth, who are more ostentatious than discreet. -Such indiscretions, however, need not set up a false standard for other -guests. - -In the case of a husband and wife, the tips to maid and butler, etc., -should be increased. It is usual for the wife to tip the female -servants, while the husband satisfies those of his own sex. When the -care of the guest’s shoes devolves on a house-boy, he, too, should be -remembered with a half-dollar. - -The male guests frequently give a tip of a dollar or more to the cook. - -It is the duty of the hostess in the case of a woman visitor to bid -her farewell in person, even if this should necessitate arising at an -unpleasantly early hour. But in the case of a man’s leaving thus early, -it suffices if she makes her farewell the night before. It then becomes -the duty of the host to attend on the guest for the breakfast and -departure. - -In about a week after such a visit, the guest should write a note to -the hostess, expressing warm appreciation of the hospitality thus -enjoyed. It is also permissible for the guest to send a gift that is -not too costly, such as a book, or any simple thing that may serve -as a token of remembrance. But this is in no wise obligatory, and, -in fact, good taste is likely to prevent the bestowal of such a gift -in most cases. There could hardly be anything less satisfactory to a -hostess than a string of such souvenirs from her whilom guests. - -Where the visit is a very short one, less than two days, it is -customary to dispense with the bread-and-butter letter. - - - - -INTRODUCTIONS - - -SIMPLICITY SHOULD always characterize good manners, and this truth -applies especially in the matter of introductions. There should be no -attempt at fine phrases. - -“Mrs. Smith, let me present Mr. Jones.” - -It is to be noted that the names of both persons concerned are given. -They should be spoken with entire distinctness. - -In this form, a man is presented to a woman, and this is the rule to be -generally observed. It is admissible for the introduction to contain an -expression of the man’s wish for it. - -“Mrs. Smith, Mr. Jones desires to be presented to you.” - -Slight variations in the phrasing of these forms are permitted. For -example, after saying, “Mrs. Smith, let me present Mr. Jones,” it is -proper to add some such phrase as, “He is very anxious to meet you.” - -It is always a mark of courtesy to request a lady’s permission in -advance of the actual introduction. When introductions are to be made -between a woman, who is a newcomer, and an assembly of guests, the -newcomer is given the formal distinction of receiving the introductions. - -“Miss Brown, let me present Mrs. Robinson, Miss Robinson, Miss Helen -Robinson, Mr. Jones, Mr. Truesdale.” - -Often, the form of introduction is curtailed, especially when the -company is numerous. In such case, merely the names are spoken, that of -the stranger having first place. - -“Miss Brown—Mrs. Robinson, Miss Robinson, Miss Helen Robinson, Mr. -Jones, Mr. Truesdale.” - -Care must be taken to remember that the person to whom the introduction -is made has the place of honor. It is on this account that the rule of -proper procedure requires the presentation of a man to a woman, and -always the presentation of the inferior to the superior, although the -distinction is usually purely theoretical. For example, an unmarried -woman should be presented to a matron. So, the younger person should be -presented to his or her elders; the ordinary person should be presented -to the person of distinction. Where men or women are of nearly equal -age or station, it is safer not to discriminate between them by -presenting one to the other. It is enough merely to name them. - -“Mr. Smith, Mr. Robinson.” Or: “Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Brown.” - -It is a part of good tact on the part of a host or hostess in making -introductions to add a few words of explanation as to some particular -interest of each, which may be of assistance to them at the beginning -of their conversation. - -In every instance, the greatest care should be taken by the person -making an introduction to pronounce both names with the utmost -clearness. Nothing is more annoying than an indistinct mumble that -leaves the hearers uninformed. - -When, for any reason, one fails to understand a stranger’s name at the -time of introduction, it is permissible to ask it. - -“Pardon me, but I did not understand the name.” - -There are some variations that should be noted as to the manner of -acknowledging an introduction. In her own home, a woman should offer -her hand, while saying, “Mrs. Smith, I am very glad to meet you,” or -any similar phrase of cordial greeting. But such a cordial phrase is -not to be used by a woman when a man is presented to her, unless she is -the hostess. A man, on the contrary, on receiving his introduction to -a lady, should express his appreciation in a courteous sentence. - -“I am very glad to meet you, Miss Robinson.” - -The tendency to-day is toward elimination of handshaking by women on -the occasion of an introduction, except in the case of a hostess. A -slight bow of the head, a smile and the repetition of the stranger’s -name are deemed enough. But many women still prefer a less formal -manner, and give their hand when an introduction is made. - -It is the duty of a hostess to stand up when receiving an introduction. -This applies equally whether the stranger is a man or a woman. But a -woman other than the hostess, when a member of a group, remains seated -during any introduction to her unless it is of one her superior in -age or station, whom she should honor by rising. Otherwise, it is -preferable for a woman to stand in acknowledging an introduction of -one of her own sex, though she should remain seated when a man is -presented to her. - -In England, it is usual to omit introductions among those gathered -in the same house, and guests are expected to conduct themselves as -acquaintances without this formality. In our country, however, the -custom has not prevailed to any considerable extent, and it is not -ordinarily proper for strangers to address each other without having -been introduced, even though they are fellow-guests. - -A hostess should introduce all her guests one to another at ordinary -dinner-parties, luncheons, or breakfasts. But, in the case of very -large dinner-parties, she is required only to introduce those who -are to be partners at table, though it is advisable for her to make -other introductions to any extent convenient. At the table, however, -introductions should be carefully avoided. If the women leave the table -before the men, other introductions may be made among them in the -drawing-room. The men, too, on returning to the drawing-room may be -presented to such women as they have not already met. - -When a hostess receives at home, she should introduce each new arrival -to some of the guests who are near by. If she has an assistant in -receiving, each guest should be presented. On formal occasions, it is -not her duty to go about among the guests in order to introduce them. - -The hostess at a large ball follows a similar course of conduct. But -in less formal affairs she should be at pains to see that no guest is -neglected, and that each, as far as possible, has a due share in the -dancing. - -It is especially desirable on all formal occasions, such as large balls -for example, that a man wishing to present a friend to a woman should -first privately ask her permission. - -Introductions of a very casual sort should never be taken too -seriously. This applies particularly to those made in a public place, -such as the street, when a person accompanied by a friend meets an -acquaintance, who is a stranger to that friend, and there is a pause -for a brief chat. Usually, there is no occasion for an introduction -under these circumstances, and if one is made it may be afterward -ignored. As a matter of fact, only a rather extensive conversation -between the acquaintances would justify an introduction. Perfunctory -introductions of those temporarily associated in a game on the tennis -court, or the like, are to be regarded as equally casual, and not of a -sort necessitating subsequent recognition. - -Introductions may be formally made by letter. In such case, the letter -should deal exclusively with the introduction. There is no set form, -but the following will serve as a sufficient guide, to be varied -according to personal inclination: - - _Burlington, Vermont._ - _June 1, 1919._ - - _My dear Mrs. Smith:_ - - _It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you my - friend, Miss Truesdale, who is about to visit relatives - in your city. I shall deeply appreciate any courtesy - you may show her._ - - _With kindest regards to yourself and Mr. Smith, I am,_ - - _Yours sincerely, - Mabel Potter_ - -A similar form will suffice for the introduction of a man, whether to -another man or to a woman. Discretion should be exercised always in the -granting of letters of introduction, and it is well to write a separate -letter giving details concerning the person thus introduced. The letter -of introduction itself should be placed in an addressed envelope, -which is left unsealed, to be presented in person by the one to be -introduced. - -Instead of a letter, a common practise uses the visiting-card of the -person making the introduction. In such case, a line is written across -the top of the card. - - _Introducing Mr. Russell Elliot_ - -This card also is enclosed within its proper envelope, duly addressed, -but unsealed, and delivered to the person for whose benefit it is given. - -It is common for a man to call at the residence of the person to -whom the introduction is addressed, and there give the envelope, -still unsealed, to the servant, together with his own card. In the -absence of the host or hostess, the caller places his own card inside -the envelope, which is then sealed, and left. A woman never follows -this procedure. She places her card in the envelope containing the -introduction, which is then sealed, and dropped in the post for -delivery. - -One receiving such a letter of introduction, whether man or woman, is -expected, if the bearer is a woman, to call on her within two days’ -time, and to follow this up with some sort of hospitable entertainment. -If, for any imperative reason, a call is impossible, a letter should be -written in explanation. - -The like procedure is followed when both parties are men. But when a -man presents such a letter of introduction to a woman, she does not, of -course, call upon him, but writes to extend her hospitable offers. - - - - -LETTERS - - -THE MOST TROUBLESOME detail in letter-writing is the matter of -address. It should be noted that there is a distinction between -_Dear_ and _My dear_. In our country, the more formal style is with -the pronoun, while the pronoun is omitted in writing to friends. -A letter to a mere acquaintance begins with the words, _My dear_ -............................. But the form for an intimate is simply -_Dear_ ............................. - -The usual address for business purposes and to those with whom no -social relations are established is _Dear Sir_. The plural is used in -addressing firms, _Dear Sirs_, or the one word _Gentlemen_, may be -employed. - -In addressing a man with whom social relations are established, the -surname is used, preceded by _Dear_ or _My dear_, according to the -degree of intimacy. _My dear Mr. Hudson; Dear Mr. Grant._ - -A woman who is a stranger may be addressed either as _Madam_ or _Dear -Madam_, whether she be married or unmarried. The form “_Dear Miss_” is -to be avoided under all circumstances. - -For the woman with whom the writer is formally acquainted, the -address is: _My dear Mrs._ .............................., if she is -married, and _My dear Miss_ ............................, if she is -unmarried. When the person is a friend, she should be addressed: _Dear -Mrs._ ................, if she is a married woman, and _Dear Miss_ -............................, if she is unmarried. - -The full name should be signed to formal letters. The married woman -should use her own Christian name, not her husband’s with the _Mrs._ -prefixed. But, in business communications to strangers, she may very -properly give her husband’s name with the prefix _Mrs._, below her -usual signature, and inclosed in parenthesis. - -Similarly, for the sake of clearness, a business letter by an unmarried -woman may have _Miss_ in parenthesis before the name. - -Envelopes should be addressed to the recipient with the full name and -necessary prefix—-_Mr._, _Mrs._, or _Miss_. - -The _Mr._, however, must be omitted if _Esq._ is written after the -name. The English custom limits the use of Esquire to those who are -technically gentlemen. For example, _Esq._ is placed after the name -in addressing a barrister, but it must not be used in writing to a -tradesman, who is given only the prefix _Mr._ - -The prefix _Mr._ is used when Junior or Senior is indicated after the -name by an abbreviation. In such case, _Esq._ must never be written. - -It must be noted also that in the case of addresses, as with cards, to -which attention has already been given, the husband’s title must not -be given to the wife. _Mrs. Colonel_, _Mrs. Doctor_, _Mrs. Professor_, -and the like, are barbarisms, which are not tolerated in America or -England. The Germans, however, use them. - -The phrase before the signature to a letter varies according to the -circumstances, and especially according to the individual taste. -Thus, in concluding a very formal communication, it is quite proper -to use the old-fashioned wording, _I am, my dear Madam, your obedient -servant_. An ordinary convenient form that covers a wide field is, -_I remain_, _Yours sincerely_, or _Yours faithfully_, or _Yours -cordially_, writing _I remain_ on one line, and the _Yours_, etc., on -the line below. Thus: - - _I remain, - Yours sincerely,_ - -_Yours truly_, or _Very truly yours_, is best reserved for business -communications. _Yours respectfully_ is applicable for business -communications, and also for letters addressed to superiors, and for -use generally as a rather meaningless style. - -Men of exalted position are commonly addressed as _Sir_ without any -qualifying word. And the form in ending is, _I have, Sir, the honor to -remain Your most obedient servant_—_Your_, etc., forming a separate -line. - -A letter of a social sort would begin, _My dear Mr. President_. - -The like form would suffice for the vice-president, except for a letter -of social character, when he should be addressed by name, _My dear Mr. -........................_. - -A justice of the supreme court, a senator, a member of the house of -representatives, a cabinet officer, the governor of a state, etc., all -have the same formal _Sir_ as the address and the corresponding phrase -in conclusion. But there is variation in the address when the letter -is of social import. The justice may be addressed _My dear Justice -................._, or _Dear Mr. Justice ................._. - -The senator is addressed _My dear Senator ......................._. The -representative in congress is addressed _My dear Mr. ................_. - -On the envelope, the forms are respectively _Mr. Justice -..................._, _Senator ......................._, _Hon. -.............._ (for the congressman). - -The social letter to a cabinet officer addresses him by name, _My dear -................._, and has on the envelope _Hon._ preceding the name -and his official designation following it. - -A governor is usually addressed _My dear Governor -......................._. And the envelope should have the title -preceding the name. - -In all cases except that of the President, the conclusion of a social -letter is a simple form such as, _I remain, Yours very sincerely_. - -A mayor is addressed either as _Sir_, or _Your Honor_, in formal -communications, and as _My dear Mayor ................._ in social -correspondence. The envelope properly gives him a full designation, -_His Honor the Mayor of ...................._. The name follows, -written on a lower line. - -The form of address is the same for both official and social letters -in the case of a Roman Catholic archbishop: _Most Reverend and Dear -Sir_. The conclusion should run: _I have the honor to remain Your -obedient servant_—_Your_, etc., being written on a lower line. The -envelope carries _The Most Reverend ......................., Archbishop -of .................._. - -All letters to a cardinal begin _Your Eminence_. The conclusion is the -same as to an archbishop. The envelope reads _His Eminence Cardinal -........................_. - -For a Roman Catholic bishop all letters begin _Right Reverend and -Dear Sir_. The conclusion is that used for the preceding prelates. -On the envelope: _The Right Reverend .................., Bishop of -..........._. - -A Protestant bishop, also, is addressed _Right Reverend and Dear -Sir_ officially, but a social letter begins _My dear Bishop -...................._. The conclusion may take the form given for Roman -Catholic dignitaries, but for social letters it is sufficient to write, -_I remain Yours sincerely_. The envelope reads: _The Right Reverend -................, Bishop of ............................_. - -Both priests and Protestant clergymen are officially addressed: -_Reverend and Dear Sir_. But, in a social letter, the beginning -is _Dear Father .................._, in the case of a priest; -while the Protestant minister is addressed as _Dear Mr. -........................_, or _Dear Doctor ...................._, if -he has such a title. The conclusion for either need be no more than: -_I remain, Yours very sincerely_. The envelope bears, _The Reverend -......................_. - -The possession of degrees may be indicated by writing the proper -initials after the name. Where the clergyman has the degree of Doctor, -this is sometimes used as an abbreviation preceding the name—_The -Reverend Dr. ........................._. - - - - -LUNCHEONS - - -THE ETIQUETTE for a luncheon is essentially the same as that for a -breakfast, which has already been described. But the luncheon at -present enjoys a popularity that is distinctive in one respect: -it serves conveniently very often as a function wholly for the -entertainment of feminine guests. - -The usual hour for a luncheon is from one to two o’clock. The -invitations, unless the affair is to be quite informal, should be sent -out ten days before the date set. As in the case of a breakfast, the -invitation may be sent on a visiting-card, writing below the name: - - _Luncheon at one o’clock - April the fourth_ - -For an especially formal affair, the invitation should be engraved -on square white cards of large size, similar to those employed for -dinner-invitations. - - _Mrs. George Vinton Thorne - - requests the pleasure of - - ........................................ - - company at luncheon - - on .............................. - - at .......................... o’clock - - Eleven Green Street_ - -A note written in the first person may convey the invitation, if the -hostess prefers this manner. - -The acceptance or refusal of an invitation may be in the third person, -following the examples given in the chapter on dinners, or it may be -written as a note in the first person. In either case, the method used -in the invitation itself must govern the style of the reply. - -At the more formal luncheon, the menu may be elaborate, with oysters, -bouillon, fish, and other courses following to any desired extent, -but care must be taken always that the general character of the -viands served must not be oversubstantial. The meal should be of a -distinctively lighter sort as compared with dinner. - -The women guests usually wear their most effective frocks. Wraps are -left in the cloak-room provided, or, if this is lacking, in the hall. -The hats are not removed, but the veil is either pushed up out of the -way, or removed, according to the wearer’s pleasure. The gloves are -taken off after arrival at table, and left in the lap, covered by the -napkin. - -A guest should remain for at least half an hour after the completion -of the meal, and from this minimum of time up to an hour or perhaps a -little longer, according to the particular circumstances. - -The farewell of each guest should, of course, contain some phrase -expressing appreciation of the hospitality enjoyed. - - - - -MOURNING - - -THERE IS ROOM for so much variety in the expression of personal tastes -as to the matter of mourning that hard-and-fast rules are of doubtful -value. There is, however, some degree of exactness as to the dress -suitable for widows, although, even in this connection, individual -choice and the changes of fashion exert their influence to the display -of differing modes. - -The widow’s mourning may be divided into three periods, termed -respectively first, second and third. - -The first mourning includes the entire costume in black. Usually, -the material of the dress is of worsted, with a trimming of crêpe. -The black bonnet is of crêpe, and from it hangs a long veil, also of -crêpe. Formerly, these veils were of extreme length, reaching even to -the hem of the gown. The tendency has been, however, toward shortening -the veil, and the present fashion insists on only a moderate length. -Another veil, worn over the face, was formerly both long and heavy, but -the style has been modified, and at present it is of lighter texture -and of much briefer proportions. The bonnet has white ruching within -the front edge, and the gown is trimmed with sheer white cuffs, and a -collar of the same material. - -The gloves must be of dull black, and ornaments of dull jet, with a -black-bordered handkerchief. - -This first mourning should be worn for a full year. A change may then -be made to second mourning, in which the dress may be of crêpe de chine -or dull silk, with a hat carrying black chiffon, etc., and ornaments of -dull jet. - -The third mourning is assumed after another six months. In this white -and lilac are permitted to relieve the somberness of the attire. This -mourning is worn for a period of six months, also, after which colors -may be resumed. - -It should be noted that the white ruche on the bonnet is the one -distinctive feature of the first mourning that designates the wearer as -a widow. A woman may wear exactly the same costume, with the exception -of this white ruche on the bonnet, in the mourning for a parent, a -child, a brother or a sister. - -The period for wearing mourning in such case, and the changes in it, -may follow the details given above for widows. - -Mourning for a parent-in-law is black, with the crêpe omitted. This is -worn for only a month, and is followed by any preferred combinations of -black and white, relieved by lilac, for a fortnight or a little longer. - -The mourning for close relatives worn by a young unmarried woman does -not include the bonnet and veil. Instead, a hat trimmed with crêpe is -worn, and a black net veil over the face is trimmed with crêpe. After -six months or a year, the crêpe is omitted from hat and veil, and also -from the gown. Black and white and lilac are then deemed suitable. -Usually, however, the older unmarried women wear the veil and bonnet of -the first mourning, as do widows, but with the white ruche omitted. - -Mourning is not usually adopted when the death is of relatives-in-law -or of a grandparent. - -Three months is ordinarily sufficient for mourning in the case of an -uncle or aunt, and it does not include crêpe. Ornaments may be worn, -though preferably of a very quiet sort. - -In general, it is well to bear in mind that mourning should not be -worn except for the members of one’s immediate family. Of course, the -particular circumstances in each case must be a determining factor. For -example, while mourning is not customarily worn for a cousin, yet a -girl who had made a home with such a relative might appropriately wear -mourning as for her own mother. - -Crêpe is not deemed suitable for girls not yet old enough for a formal -entrance into society, and children should be spared the lugubrious -trappings of woe in every case. But a girl about sixteen years of age, -on the death of a member of the family, appropriately wears a black -dress, relieved only by touches of white, and a black hat, with dull -black ribbons. She should leave off jewelry, but she should not carry a -handkerchief with black border. - -The mourning for a widower is often divided into two periods. During -the first, black is worn throughout in the costume, with white linen. -The hat-band is of crêpe. The present tendency is to make this band -much narrower than it was of yore. It is left off altogether after -a year, or perhaps eight months, as the second mourning begins. The -second mourning permits the use of gray and white in the costume. A -man’s mourning for a child, parent, brother or sister may continue for -a full year, or it may be put off after six months according to his -choice. The mourning includes a hat-band of crêpe. If a man wishes to -wear mourning for a more distant relative, he may use the black and -white and gray of the widower’s second period, but men ordinarily do -not assume mourning for any except closest relations. - -A mourning band on the sleeve is sometimes worn by men, but it is -impossible to describe its significance from the standpoint of -propriety, since it is worn equally for those most closely related and -for those most distantly, without distinction, and since it is a custom -derived originally from England, where it serves as a cheap method of -providing mourning liveries for servants. - -After the loss of a close relation, a woman pays no calls for six -months. After that time, she may visit her intimates, but not on their -at-home days. She may also attend concerts and theater matinées and -the like, in a very quiet way. After a year, she may appear at small -dinners, and at the theater in the evening, and the like. But box -parties and all the elaborate functions, such for example as balls, -must not be resumed until the period of mourning has expired. - -Elderly women are likely to prefer a mourning garb for the remainder -of their lifetime, after the death of a husband. In such cases, after -perhaps two years, the widow’s bonnet and veil are given up, and nun’s -veiling is substituted. While the gown remains black, the crêpe is -omitted from it, and the mourning handkerchief is no longer carried. -Jewelry is worn, but not of an ostentatious kind. - - - - -MUSICALES - - -THE MUSICALE is merely a formal at home where music is made a special -feature of the entertainment. Throughout, the procedure is that of an -at home, and the details are to be found in full in the chapter under -that heading. The only formal difference is in the wording of the -invitation, which makes mention of music as the feature. - -The invitations are engraved, and may take either of the two usual -forms, according to the choice of the hostess. - - _Mrs. George H. Baxter - - requests the pleasure of - - ....................................... - - company - - at a musicale - - on Friday evening, May first - - at half-past nine o’clock - - Twenty-seven Maple Street_ - -Or the at-home form may be used as follows: - - _Mr. and Mrs. George H. Baxter - - At Home - - Friday evening, May first - - at half-past nine o’clock - - Twenty-seven Maple Street - - Music_ - -Such an affair in the evening is often of the most elaborate character, -and is essentially a concert. But a musicale may be given with equal -propriety in the afternoon. The form for engraved invitations is -precisely the same, with the single exception of the hours named, for -the afternoon entertainment specifies the time as _from four until -seven o’clock_. - -For a less formal occasion, a hostess may extend her invitations by -sending a visiting-card, on which she writes, below her name, _Friday, -May first, four to seven o’clock_, and underneath this the single word -_Music_. Or in place of the word _Music_, she may write _To hear_ -.............. adding the name of a particular performer. - -The obligations of the guests follow in all respects those to which -attention has been already given under the title “At Homes.” Thus, in -the matter of costumes, the usage resembles that explained concerning -correct garb for both afternoon and evening receptions in the earlier -chapter. - -It might be well to emphasize the fact that no direct reply is required -for an invitation announcing that the hostess will be at home on a -certain date. But the case is quite otherwise when that form of -invitation is employed which requests the pleasure of the guest’s -company. This demands a prompt answer, whether of acceptance or of -refusal, which should be couched in the third person. Thus: - - _Mr. and Mrs. Henry Sage Beckett - - accept with pleasure - - Mrs. Baxter’s kind invitation - - for May first - - Nineteen Wentworth Square - - April twenty-first, 1919_ - -Or, in the event of inability to accept, or disinclination, the answer -should run as follows: - - _Mr. and Mrs. Henry Sage Beckett - - regret that a previous engagement - - prevents their acceptance - - of Mrs. Baxter’s kind invitation - - for May first - - Nineteen Wentworth Square - - April twenty-first, 1919_ - - - - -OPERA - - -A SUFFICIENT FORM for an invitation to an opera party will be found in -the chapter on the theater, which needs only a verbal change to specify -the particular performance at the opera instead of at the playhouse. -In general, also, the procedure suited to attendance at the theater -is to be followed in connection with the opera. But there are certain -differences that should be regarded. - -The dress for the opera is more formal than for the theater, generally -speaking. The man, for example, usually keeps his white gloves on. The -woman, for her part, wears a gown that is sleeveless and decolleté, and -displays jewels according to her means or taste. An aigrette takes the -place of the hat that may be worn to the theater. Nevertheless, it is -quite permissible for a woman occupying a stall in the orchestra at the -opera to wear a costume of the sort commonly seen at the theater. - -Visiting at the opera is a distinctive feature, facilitated as it is -by the number of boxes, so greatly in excess of those with which the -theater is supplied. For it is with the boxes that this visiting is -chiefly concerned, though it reaches to some extent to the orchestra -stalls. - -Between acts is the proper time for such calls, which are usually, but -not exclusively, paid by men. A gentleman may call on a lady of his -acquaintance in a box, though she is a guest of a host or hostess who -is not known to him. In such case, the woman to whom he pays the visit -must introduce him to her entertainer. But an introduction of the sort -is merely formal, and entails no necessity of subsequent recognition by -either party. - -No more than five minutes, or even less, should be given to -such calls, but some discretion is permitted by the particular -circumstances. Thus, where there are many coming and going, the time -should be shorter than when there are few other visitors, or none. The -call should never extend beyond the end of the intermission. - -Since an opera box is equipped with a vestibule of its own, the -women do not leave their wraps in the cloak-room, but wait until -their arrival at the box, when they are taken off in the vestibule. -Afterward, on entering the box, the chaperon and other older women -precede the younger, and are offered the choice of seats. But they -usually prefer the less conspicuous positions, and the chairs at -the rail are given to the débutantes, or younger matrons. The exact -arrangement is always a matter for the display of tact on the part of -host or hostess. - -Visiting among the stalls is necessarily more limited, but is practised -to any extent rendered convenient by location. - -In such visiting, the ordinary amenities of social intercourse are to -be observed. The men, for example, must stand when a lady enters the -box in which they are seated, and they should remain standing until her -departure, or until she has taken a chair. - - - - -PRIVATE THEATRICALS - - -PRIVATE THEATRICALS are usually the feature of an evening function. - -The form of invitation is exactly the same as for a musicale, with the -one exception in substituting _Theatricals at ten o’clock_. The phrase -appears thus in the at-home form of announcement. When the invitation -requests the pleasure of the guest’s company, _At Private Theatricals_ -is preferred as the descriptive statement. - -On occasions when the theatricals are to be followed by a dance, the -word _Dancing_ is added at the bottom of the card. - -The letters _R.s.v.p._ are commonly employed in connection with such -invitations, and their appearance on the card emphasizes the necessity -of a written reply. - - - - -RECEPTIONS - - -ALL DETAILS of the etiquette that has to do with receptions, whether -they are held in the afternoon or in the evening, are carefully -described in the chapter treating various forms of the at home. - - - - -SMOKING - - -A GUEST in the home of another must not smoke unless invited to do so -by host or hostess. - -A man in the presence of a lady must not smoke unless he asks for, and -receives, permission to do so. - -A man should not smoke when walking with a woman in public. - -A man must not converse while holding cigar, pipe, or cigarette in his -mouth. - - - - -STAIRS - - -IN A FORMER generation, women hid their ankles, and gave brief glimpses -of them only by accident or naughty design. It was then required of a -gentleman that he should precede a lady in ascending stairs. To-day, -fashion has cleared away all mystery concerning feminine ankles, and a -gentleman is permitted to follow the lady as she mounts the stairs. - - - - -STREET ETIQUETTE - - -WHEN A MAN and woman walk together in the street, the man’s proper -position is usually on the side toward the curb, and he maintains this -place also when walking with two women. He should never station himself -between them, unless under the informal circumstances of a country -road, or the like. - -In the day time, a man does not offer a woman his arm when they walk -together, though of course he should give her the support of his hand -under her elbow when such assistance is obviously required, as in -mounting the steps of a car. But in the evening a man properly offers -his arm to a woman when they are to walk together, and she lays her -hand on his forearm. They should never hook arms. - -When a man and woman who are acquainted with each other meet in the -street, it is the woman’s place to extend recognition by a nod and -smile, which latter varies from coldness to warmth according to -her will. On receiving such recognition, for which in any formal -acquaintance he must wait, the man raises his hat, and at the same time -bows. - -When a man is walking with a woman, he must salute in the same fashion -any others that pass who recognize either himself or his companion, -except that where the person is not an acquaintance of his own, he -merely lifts his hat without bowing. - -When a man encounters a woman on the street, and wishes to talk with -her, he should not detain her, but with her permission should turn and -walk beside her. The woman, however, is privileged thus to retain the -man in conversation, but she should withdraw to one side, out of the -way of passers-by. - -In escorting a woman in a car, the man should assist her to enter, and -then follow. But in leaving, he precedes her and descends first, then -turning to help her down. - -Good sense must determine the precise conduct for propriety in various -circumstances. Ordinarily, where a couple cannot well walk side by -side, the man follows behind the woman. But where the way is difficult -for any reason, he goes in advance—as, for example, when it becomes -necessary to force the way through a crowd. - -Some men make a point of standing uncovered throughout the length of -any conversation with a woman in the street. This mode is not to be -encouraged, especially in the inclement northern winter. Merely raising -the hat at meeting and again at parting is quite sufficient. - - - - -TABLE MANNERS - - -DEPORTMENT AT TABLE is the most important single item in the total of -good manners. Yet, the requirements are very simple—so simple indeed -that there is little excuse for those who fail in them. - -It should hardly be necessary to say that the position must be one of -well-balanced erectness. A man’s hands should be kept in his lap when -not busy. So of a woman’s—formerly. Of recent years, a new custom has -crept in, and it is common to see a woman’s forearm or elbow resting at -ease on the table. - -The napkin is only partly unfolded, and laid across the lap. In the -case of a woman, it covers her gloves, which she has taken off on -seating herself. At the end of the meal, the crumpled napkin is laid -beside the plate. But, when making an extended stay with friends, the -napkin is folded if the host and hostess fold theirs in preparation for -use at another meal. - -The knife is employed only for cutting purposes, being then held in the -right hand. It is afterward put down, while the fork is transferred -to the right hand for passing food to the mouth. When not in use both -knife and fork are left on the plate. They should not be held in the -hands, or laid down on the table. They are to remain on the plate also -if it is sent for another helping. When eating is ended, knife and fork -are laid together on the plate—parallel, points to the center, and the -fork tines down. - -The fork should be used throughout with the tines downward. It is only -used spoon-fashion for small vegetables such as peas. The fork rather -than a spoon should be used for eating ices, melons, and the like. It -is used to fold lettuce and other salad leaves, which must not be cut -with a knife. - -The knife is used only for cutting, and is afterward laid down on the -plate. - -Beverages in glasses or cups are tested by sipping from a spoon, which -is then laid down. Afterward one drinks directly from the container. -The spoon must never be allowed to stand in a cup or glass. For taking -soup, the spoon is pushed forward, not drawn toward one. The soup plate -is never tipped. The liquid must be taken into the mouth from the side -of the spoon never from the end. - -Boiled eggs are properly eaten with a spoon, of course, as are jellies, -custards and the like, grape-fruit and various fruits served with -cream, and cereals. - -A finger-bowl is properly used on finishing a fruit course. A slight -rinsing of the finger-tips suffices, after which they are wiped on the -napkin. - -Butter is not served at formal dinners. - -At all other meals a special plate is laid for bread and butter, and -a small knife of silver for spreading the butter. The bread is broken -with the fingers, a mouthful at a time and separately buttered. Cake is -eaten either in the fingers or with a fork. - -Cheese is cut into small pieces. Each piece is placed on a mouthful of -bread or cracker, and then eaten from the fingers. - -Apples, pears, etc., are quartered, peeled, cut in mouthfuls, and -then eaten from the fingers. Smaller fruits with pits are eaten from -the fingers. Each pit is taken from the mouth in the closed hand and -deposited on the plate. - -Asparagus is eaten with a fork. That part of the stalk not easily cut -by the fork is left. But burr artichokes are eaten from the fingers a -leaf at a time, after it has been dipped in the sauce. Only the heart -demands the use of a fork. - -Celery, olives and radishes are eaten from the fingers. So, also, are -crystallized fruits, almonds and other nuts. - -When leaving the table at the conclusion of a meal elsewhere than in -one’s own house, the chair is left without being pushed back close to -the table. - - - - -TEAS - - -IN THE COUNTRY, where the dinner is in the middle of the day, the -evening meal is called either supper or tea, and an invitation to tea -ordinarily means an invitation to the evening meal. In England, where -afternoon tea-serving is universal among all classes, the evening meal -is frequently designated high tea. - -The proprieties concerning afternoon tea are explained in the chapter -entitled, “At Homes.” - - - - -THEATER-PARTIES - - -WHEN A THEATER-PARTY is to be given, it is not customary to use the -engraved form of invitations, but notes written in the first person -suffice. - - _97 Hamilton Street, - May 1, 1919_ - - _My dear Miss Hammer:_ - - _Will you give me the pleasure of dining with me on - Wednesday evening of next week, at seven o’clock, and - of afterward witnessing the new play at the Brooke - Theater?_ - - _In the hope that you are free that evening and kindly - disposed toward my invitation, I remain,_ - - _Yours sincerely, - Mary Holmes_ - -To such an invitation, the guest should return an immediate reply, -either of acceptance or rejection, written in the first person, after -the manner of the other missive. - -It is within the discretion of the host or hostess to secure orchestra -seats, or a box. Care should be taken, in the case of a box, not to -have a sufficient number of guests to cause crowding. The invitations -should be sent out about a week before the evening of the party, but a -longer or shorter notice is permissible. A bachelor may find it more -convenient to give his invitations in person, orally, and such laxity -is allowable on his part. - -The giver of the entertainment may use his or her discretion in having -attendance on the play preceded by an early dinner-party, which may -include all or only a part of his guests; or having it followed by -a supper-party. Or the theater alone may be deemed a sufficient -entertainment. - -Very often, a host orders an omnibus to collect his guests for a -theater-party and to carry them to the theater, and back home after -the performance. If this is done, the invitation should specify the -fact, and notify the guest of the exact time of the omnibus’s arrival. - -When a man invites an unmarried woman to be his companion at the -theater, he is expected also to invite another woman, either a relation -or friend, according to circumstances, who shall act as chaperon. -But this rule is not too strictly enforced where a friendship exists -between a man and a spinster of mature age. - -It is the duty of the man to call in person for his guests, and to -provide them with fitting transportation to and from the theater. On -their arrival at the theater, if the women leave their wraps in the -cloak-room, he also should check his hat and coat. He allows the ladies -to precede him, and inside the theater secures programs for them, and -then gives his checks to the usher. The usher now leads the way, with -the ladies following and the host bringing up the rear. If he has -retained his coat and hat, he places his hat under the seat and lays -the folded coat over the back of the chair or holds it across his -knees. He is careful always to retain the checks during the evening -since lack of them might prove embarrassing if any error has been made -in the seating arrangements, as sometimes happens. - -A man thus escorting ladies to the theater properly remains with them -throughout the performance. The only justifiable excuse for leaving -them for a few minutes is when he occupies an aisle seat, and then only -when during an intermission a friend comes to pay his respects, who can -take his place until the rising of the curtain. - -The man wears evening dress for the theater. He should by no means -appear in a tailless coat when acting as an escort for ladies, or when -a guest in a party that includes ladies. He is permitted, however, to -remove his gloves on arrival at the theater. The silk hat is often -inconvenient for theater purposes, and for that reason the crush hat -has been preferred. But this folding form of headgear has lost its -vogue to a great extent, and there is a growing tendency toward the use -of a black soft hat for such evening wear. - -The more usual form of woman’s dress is not the decolleté of the -ball-gown, but a less extreme style, with sleeves. It is, of course, of -such elegance as to suit the occasion. But the low-neck and sleeveless -gown is frequently to be seen, more especially in the boxes. - -With the less formal costume, a hat is worn. This and the veil may be -removed in the cloak-room, or, if the wrap is retained, it may be kept -on until the seat is reached. The outer garment is then folded and laid -over the back of the chair. After having seated herself, the woman then -unpins her veil and removes it, together with the hat, and these are -afterward held in the lap. - -If the arrival at the theater is a little late, and the wraps are not -left in the cloak-room, it is the part of good taste to remove them -before passing down the aisle to the seats. Otherwise, their removal -becomes an unpleasant interruption to those seated near by. - -This same matter of consideration for the rights of others is the -reason why it is necessary that the hats should be removed, since -it would shut off the view of the stage from those seated behind. -It should be borne in mind always, also, that this consideration -for others should extend to the matter of conversation during the -performance, which must be rigidly suppressed. Care ought to be taken -in every respect lest there be an impolite intrusion on the rights of -others. - -If there is supper in a restaurant after the play, the wraps should -be left in the cloak-room as a rule, but a woman may retain one of a -sort that is not cumbersome, according to her pleasure. The hat is not -removed for the meal. The veil may either be pushed up or taken off -according to the individual preference. The gloves are removed after -the party is seated at table, and kept in the lap under the napkin -until the conclusion of the meal. They are put on again before leaving -the table. - - - - -WEDDINGS - - -THE WEDDING-INVITATIONS are sent out fully two weeks before the -marriage, at least, and they may be sent earlier, up to a limit of two -months. - -The invitation is engraved on white paper, of which there is a double -sheet. The invitation itself must occupy only the first page. An -average size is between seven and eight inches in length and about an -inch less in width. Script is usually preferred. The invitation is -folded once and placed in an unsealed envelope with the guest’s name -written on it. Another envelope is used to contain this, on which are -written both the name and address, and it is sealed for delivery by -post or messenger. - -It should be borne in mind that, while husband and wife are joined in -a single invitation, other members of the family must be separately -invited, except that more than one daughter may be included under the -designation _The Misses ...................._, and similarly more than -one son, _The Messrs. ...................._. Otherwise, a daughter -receives an individual invitation, as does also a son. - -In cities, on the occasion of church weddings where strangers often -intrude, it is common to inclose with the invitation a small card -inscribed: - - _Please present this card at - - the Church of the Incarnation - - on Tuesday, June the first_ - -A standard form for the wording of the invitation is as follows: - - _Mr. and Mrs. Henry L. Hudson - - request the honor of your presence - - at the marriage of their daughter - - Harriet - - to - - Mr. James Meade Trowbridge - - on Tuesday afternoon, June the first - - at half-past three o’clock - - The Church of the Incarnation - - Baltimore_ - -The invitations are issued in the names of the bride’s parents, or, -lacking them, in the name of her nearest relative, unless this should -be an unmarried sister. When the invitations are issued by a brother, -his name only may be used, even though he is married. But where the -relation is a married woman, the name of the husband also appears on -the invitations. Such invitations issued by some one other than the -parents follow the form given above exactly, save that the full name of -the bride must be given instead of her Christian name alone, and, of -course, the proper relationship must be indicated by a word substituted -for _daughter_. - -It is usual, when the bride is a step-daughter, to specify the -relationship in the invitation. Thus, in the form given above, if -Harriet were the daughter of Mrs. Hudson by a previous marriage, the -phrase would run, _at the marriage of Mrs. Hudson’s daughter, Harriet -Blake Rothwell_. If she were the daughter of Mr. Hudson, the phrase -would be, _at the marriage of Mr. Hudson’s daughter, Harriet_. - -The invitations to either a wedding-breakfast or reception is inclosed -with the invitation to the ceremony, but the engraved card is of the -ordinary size. - - _Mr. and Mrs. Henry L. Hudson - - request the pleasure of - - .......................... - - company - - on Tuesday, June first - - at half-past twelve o’clock - - Thirty-six Fremont Avenue_ - -But often the name is omitted, and the invitation may read simply: - - _Reception - - From four o’clock - - Thirty-six Fremont Avenue_ - -The initials _R.s.v.p._ may be used in the lower left-hand corner of -either form. - -The only essential difference in the form of the invitation to -a home-wedding is that instead of asking for the _honor of your -presence_, the request is for the _pleasure of your company_. Of -course, the home-address must be given at the end, instead of the name -of the church. When the ceremony is to be performed in the presence of -only a limited number of friends, those who are to witness it receive -with their invitation a small engraved card, inscribed _Ceremony at -three o’clock_, or whatever the hour may be. - -Announcement-cards, following the celebration of a quiet wedding, are -sent out on the day of the marriage. The paper used is the same as that -for the invitations. - - _Mr. and Mrs. Henry L. Hudson - - have the honor of announcing - - the marriage of their daughter - - Harriet - - to - - Mr. James Meade Trowbridge - - on Tuesday, June the first - - at the Church of The Incarnation_ - -A combination-card of bride and groom, with their address, and perhaps -her at-home day, may be inclosed with the announcement. - -If, for any reason, the announcement-cards are not issued by the -bride’s relatives, they may be sent out by the engaged pair, using the -bride’s maiden name - - _Mr. George Hart Bagot - - and - - Miss Mary Elizabeth Peck - - have the honor of announcing their marriage - - on Monday, June the seventh - - at the Church of The Incarnation - - Albany_ - -Unless the invitation to a wedding carries the letters _R.s.v.p._, -it does not require any reply, but an invitation to the reception or -breakfast should be acknowledged by two visiting-cards, sent to the -bride’s parents, when attendance is not possible or convenient. An -acceptance or declination is written in the third person, and follows -the corresponding form in reference to a dinner-invitation, with the -necessary verbal change, substituting, _wedding-reception of their -daughter_, for _dinner_. - -No acknowledgment is required for announcement-cards; but it is well to -call on, or leave cards for, the bride’s parents. - -It is impossible to state exactly all the details in connection with -the marriage-ceremony, since the variations in personal taste and -circumstances are such that the wedding may be fittingly celebrated in -almost regal state, with a dozen bridesmaids and everything else with -like profusion, or the rite may be carried out with a plainness and -simplicity that yet perhaps yields a significance more touching than -that of the gorgeous spectacle. Each circle in every community has its -own accepted traditions, and it is always better that these should -be followed. The vagaries of fashion may often tempt its votaries to -extravagances in following the fads and fancies of the moment. But -there should be no frivolous tampering with the marriage rite, which is -proclaimed as a sacrament by the church, and should be always esteemed -as the most sacred act in the lives of those who thus make their -covenants together. - -It need only be added that for an evening wedding the bridegroom wears -the regulation evening clothes, while for an hour earlier in the day -his costume includes a frock-coat of black or dark blue, a black or -white waistcoat, and striped trousers of a lighter shade than the coat. -The scarf should be a white ascot, caught with a pearl pin. - -He wears patent-leather shoes and gray suède gloves. A silk hat forms -the headgear to accompany either the evening dress or the other. - -A maiden bride should wear white and a veil of tulle with orange -blossoms. The gown may be decolleté and sleeveless for an evening -wedding. A woman who has been married before may wear any color -pleasing to her, but not white, and she must not veil herself, nor -display the orange blossoms. A train properly distinguishes the -wedding-gown. - -On receipt of an invitation to a wedding, any gift should be sent to -the bride without delay. There is no obligation on the part of a merely -formal acquaintance to send a gift when invited to a church wedding, -but it is permissible. Such an obligation exists for one invited to the -breakfast or reception, as well as one to be among a limited number -present at the actual marriage on the occasion of a home wedding. -Sometimes, those invited to a church wedding compromise by sending -flowers. - -The distinction between the maiden and the matron is again emphasized -in the matter of the bouquet carried by the bride, which for the maiden -should be of white flowers, such as lilies of the valley, while for the -woman it must be at least touched with color—perhaps of orchids. - - - - -[Illustration: “MADE EASY” SERIES] - - -THERE is no royal road to learning. - -IT is an old saying, and a true one, in a sense: for prince and peasant -must alike travel the path. - -YET, there are many paths, and great differences among them, as they -lead to the temple of knowledge. In some, the going is easy: in some, -hard. In some, the journeying is pleasant and profitable: in some, -toilsome—a weary scramble over many stumbling blocks. - -THE builder of the road is the teacher. It is his task to smooth the -way, and to make it straight: or to leave it all cluttered, a twisted, -haphazard course, that runs roughly and reaches nowhere. - -IN the “Made Easy” Series, it has been the publisher’s purpose to -provide for the student the best possible road to learning—a road truly -royal in its simplicity, its worth: a road wide and direct, and free -from foolish, needless litter. - -THE various writers of the books in the series have been chosen for -their special fitness. Such fitness includes, in the first place, -mastery of the particular subject: in the second place, ability to -interpret knowledge to others. - -RIGHT teaching makes easy learning. Few subjects are really hard to -learn, when properly set before the pupil. These volumes are the -product of a painstaking care to simplify every detail of instruction, -yet to make it complete. The result for the student is, indeed, a -learning made easy, yet none the less exact, thorough, wholly adequate -for his needs. - - * * * * * - -_The volumes now ready, or in the course of preparation_—price $1.00 -each—are: - - Arithmetic Made Easy - Spelling Made Easy - Penmanship Made Easy - Grammar Made Easy - Drawing Made Easy - Dressmaking Made Easy - Dancing Made Easy - Etiquette Made Easy - Keeping Young Made Easy - Love Letters Made Easy - Shorthand Made Easy - Bookkeeping Made Easy - Entertaining Made Easy - Tricks and Magic Made Easy - Mental Healing Made Easy - - _Further titles will be added as opportunity presents itself to secure - the proper type of manuscript._ - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Etiquette Made Easy, by Edward Summers Squier - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ETIQUETTE MADE EASY *** - -***** This file should be named 51887-0.txt or 51887-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/8/8/51887/ - -Produced by Chris Curnow, Emmy and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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