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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: The Celestial Hammerlock - -Author: Donald Colvin - -Release Date: March 23, 2016 [EBook #51533] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CELESTIAL HAMMERLOCK *** - - - - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<div class="figcenter"> - <img src="images/cover.jpg" width="362" height="500" alt=""/> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="titlepage"> -<h1>The Celestial Hammerlock</h1> - -<p>By DONALD COLVIN</p> - -<p>Illustrated by NORRIS</p> - -<p>[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from<br /> -Galaxy Science Fiction October 1951.<br /> -Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that<br /> -the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]</p> - -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="figcenter"> - <img src="images/illus.jpg" width="573" height="500" alt=""/> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="ph3"><i>This bigtime space promoter could get<br /> -the Horsehead Nebula in a flying mare—but<br /> -pinning a planetoid is tougher!</i></p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="ph41"> SPACEGRAM</p> - -<p>From: Jed Michaels,<br /> -Ryttuk, Eros</p> - -<p>To: H. E. Horrocks,<br /> -Interplanetary Amusement Corp.,<br /> -Cosmopolis, Earth</p> - -<p>I QUIT, YOU BALLOON BRAIN.</p> - -<p class="ph51"> JED</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="ph4">ROCKET MAIL (Second Class)</p> - -<p>Dear Michaels:</p> - -<p>Your last message indicates you wish to leave the employment of the -Interplanetary Amusement Corp. Under our employee policy, this is -allowable, effective upon completion of your current assignment. Under -precedent set as long ago as 2347 A. D. the company will even pay the -cost of your message of resignation.</p> - -<p>However, the words "you balloon brain" do not seem a necessary part of -that message and will be deducted from your salary.</p> - -<p>Furthermore, I have a few words of my own to say. You march straight -into my office, Michaels, just as soon as you get back from Eros. Eros? -WHAT IN HELL ARE YOU DOING ON EROS?</p> - -<p class="ph5">Horrocks</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="ph4">ROCKET MAIL (First Class)</p> - -<p>Mr. H. E. Horrocks</p> - -<p>Dear Balloon Brain:</p> - -<p>If you paid a little more attention to your office and less to that -golf course on Venus, you'd know what I am doing on Eros. I got here -two days ago via Mars with a herd of six wrestlers, in accordance with -your own written memorandum. We were to appear at an Auruchs club -smoker.</p> - -<p>Upon arrival, I found that no preparations had been made for us and -nobody knows anything about an Auruchs club.</p> - -<p>The people here are nuts. They talk in six syllable words and their -idea of a good time is to sniff flowers and do five dimensional -calculus. They have less use for wrestlers than I have for you.</p> - -<p class="ph5">Michaels</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="ph4">ROCKET MAIL (Second Class)</p> - -<p>Michaels, you nitwit:</p> - -<p>That wasn't <i>Eros</i>, you idiot! You were supposed to go to <i>Erie</i>—Erie, -Pa., right here on Earth!</p> - -<p>If you remembered even your sixth grade Solar System history, you -would know that the planetoid Eros was settled in 2141 by a group of -longhairs headed by Prof. M. R. Snock, a philosopher with a dozen -university degrees.</p> - -<p>He wanted to show that war, crime and all forms of violence would -disappear if people thought only beautiful thoughts.</p> - -<p>The planetoid is lousy rich with erydnium ore and the people keep in -luxury selling it to space freighters. They spend their time being -gentle and thinking beautiful. There hasn't even been a spitball thrown -there in eight generations.</p> - -<p>A <i>fine</i> place for you to show up mahouting six wrestlers with no -foreheads. You're lucky they haven't thrown you in jail.</p> - -<p class="ph5">Horrocks</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="ph4">ROCKET MAIL (Postage Due)</p> - -<p>Mr. H. E. Horrocks</p> - -<p>Dear Jellyhead:</p> - -<p>What do you mean lucky? We <i>are</i> in jail.</p> - -<p>Right after we got here, the boys decided they had been cramped in that -local spaceship and needed a workout to limber up. As soon as they got -started, they were surrounded by a bunch of scrawny males, all sniffing -hollyhocks.</p> - -<p>Their spokesman, a bald bird with rosebuds in his whiskers, touched -me with a gold-headed cane and said that apparently we were not yet -attuned to the high mental plane of the planetoid, and would we mind -going into protective custody while they worked over our egos and cured -our kineticism.</p> - -<p>I said suppose we wouldn't. He looked shocked and waved his flower and -said that then, although it had never happened before, he supposed -he would have to call the space patrol and have us thrown into the -hoosegow on Ganymede.</p> - -<p>I translated that into basic wrestler for the boys and we agreed we'd -better go along. We'd heard about the jail those tough space patrol -babies operate on Ganymede.</p> - -<p>The flower lovers took us to an old erydnium pit and asked us to -please go down. Now they're perfuming us every hour and feeding us -flower bulbs to make us gentle.</p> - -<p>We could climb out of this rat-hole whenever we wanted, but that would -be climbing straight into a striped spacesuit.</p> - -<p>I think about you all the time. And if you think they're beautiful -thoughts, you're as crazy as I've always suspected.</p> - -<p class="ph5">Michaels</p> - -<p>P.S. The boys asked that I enclose this note from them:</p> - -<p>Dear Mr. Horox:</p> - -<p>We do not like it here Mr. Horox. The Grub is no good. You come get us. -Plese Mr. Horox. Come soon.</p> - -<p>Gorilla Man Thorpe<br /> -Choker Jonas<br /> -R. Z. Zbich, light-heavyweight champion of the Moon, Mercury and the -inner rings of Saturn<br /> -Gorgeous Gordon<br /> -Barefoot Charles Anya<br /> -X, the Faceless Wonder</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="ph4">ROCKET MAIL (First Class)</p> - -<p>Mr. Jed Michaels</p> - -<p>Mr. Michaels:</p> - -<p>Don't think you can sit around doing nothing and collect pay from the -Interplanetary Amusement Corp. You're suspended until you get out of -there.</p> - -<p class="ph5">Horrocks</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="ph4">SPACEGRAM (Collect)</p> - -<p>Mr. H. E. Horrocks,<br /> -Cosmopolis, Earth</p> - -<p>MY RESIGNATION IS A MISTAKE. I WITHDRAW IT. YOU ARE BEST OF ALL -POSSIBLE BOSSES. IMPROBABLE AS IT SEEMS, I LOVE YOU.</p> - -<p class="ph5">JED</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="ph4">SPACEGRAM</p> - -<p>Mr. Jed Michaels,<br /> -Ryttuk, Eros</p> - -<p>ONLY ONE POSSIBLE CAUSE FOR YOUR LAST SPACEGRAM. HAS SHE A SISTER?</p> - -<p class="ph5">HANK</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="ph4">ROCKET MAIL (Second Class)</p> - -<p>Mr. H. E. Horrocks</p> - -<p>My dear employer and pal:</p> - -<p>Eros is a <i>wonderful</i> asteroid!</p> - -<p>Toward the end of the second day in the pit, the wrestlers limbered -up. Zbich and the Gorilla Man worked out on headlocks, Gorgeous Gordon -did calisthenics, and Barefoot Charley, Choker Jonas and the Faceless -Wonder got themselves into a grunting free-for-all.</p> - -<p>After that got under way, I heard a squeal and a girl came bounding -down the pit side. She was young and dark-haired and pretty. She -might have been as intellectual as the president of Harvard above the -shoulders, but what a framework she had to hold up that brain!</p> - -<p>She went over to Gorgeous Gordon and she said, "Ooh!" With all the -flower lovers around here, it was probably the first man with muscles -she had ever seen.</p> - -<p>The big ham swelled up. He flexed his arms and stuck out his chest. -"OOH!" said the girl, and went bounding back up the side of the pit.</p> - -<p>I stopped the exercise and the wrestlers sat and mused blankly at each -other.</p> - -<p>In a few minutes, our little visitor was back again. With her were -about a dozen pals, differing in details, but resembling her in the -important points.</p> - -<p>The leader was a tall, brown-haired, gray-eyed girl, with a face where -intellect fought a losing battle with a dimple. The others helped her -down the pit side as if she were something fragile and precious, like -maybe a new bottle of perfume.</p> - -<p>Then our pal went back to Gorgeous Gordon. "More ooh!" said the girl -guide.</p> - -<p>You know how wrestlers are. They'll slap each other silly to get the -cheers of four kids on a street corner, or commit mayhem for a purse -big enough to buy a ham hock. In five seconds, we had going one of the -finest wrestling matches in the history of good, clean sportsmanship. -And over the cracking of wrestler's bones rose the shrieks of the -girls, showing that their throats were in the right place, even if -their brains weren't.</p> - -<p>The gray-eyed girl sat with me on a flange of unmined ore. She was -Aliana, a direct descendant of the leader of the Eros pioneers. As -such, she was princess of the planetoid, although she left most of the -governing to a council of elders, apparently as outstanding an array of -mossbacks as ever smelled a gardenia or just plain smelled.</p> - -<p>"I sometimes think, Mr. Michaels," Aliana told me, "that we of Eros -have laid too much stress upon the cerebral. I wonder if our lives -would not be fuller if we also included some of the more vigorous -activities, such as the one in which those men are now engaged."</p> - -<p>"If it's a vacation for your mind that you want, Princess," I agreed, -"those boys are your meat."</p> - -<p>Just then the Gorilla Man got a leg split on Barefoot Charley and began -to braid his toes.</p> - -<p>"How stimulating," breathed Aliana. "What is proper for the onlooker to -remark in such a situation?"</p> - -<p>"A satisfactory outcry, Princess," I explained, "is, 'Break it off!'"</p> - -<p>"Break it off!" encouraged Aliana.</p> - -<p>I had to wind it up, finally, before the wrestlers reduced themselves -to blubber, thereby forcing the Interplanetary Amusement Corp. to go -out and lasso itself another herd.</p> - -<p>The girls went giggling up the side of the pit. At the top, Aliana -waved at me. The others blew kisses, not caring much where they landed, -as long as the receiver had muscles.</p> - -<p>Next morning, a young man came into the pit. He announced that, upon -Princes Aliana's orders, we were to have the freedom of Eros, so that -contact with the planetoid culture could win us from our uncouth ways.</p> - -<p>He was too young to be wholly gentled by the flowers and the council -of elders. So the Choker showed him a wristlock. And when the Choker -tossed him on his ear in the erydnium ore, he said words that were not -beautiful. Maybe there's something to the people of this asteroid.</p> - -<p>Anyway, everything is great now. We wander wherever we please, as long -as we return to the pit to sleep. When nobody is looking, we sneak into -the royal palace courtyard and put on a wrestling show for the girls.</p> - -<p>And the nights! Ah, the nights!</p> - -<p>Don't turn entirely green with envy, Hankus. At least leave your nose -the familiar red.</p> - -<p class="ph5">Jed</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="ph4">SPACEGRAM</p> - -<p>To: Jed Michaels, Ryttuk, Eros</p> - -<p>FINE WORK. RETURN IMMEDIATELY. WILL MEET YOU AT MARS. MAYBE YOU CAN -PERSUADE SOME OF THE GIRLS TO ACCOMPANY YOU THAT FAR. AM SENDING THE -WRESTLERS TO SATURN.</p> - -<p class="ph5">HANK</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="ph4">ROCKET MAIL (First Class)</p> - -<p>To: H. E. Horrocks,<br /> -Cosmopolis, Earth</p> - -<p>Dear Hank:</p> - -<p>Go to Mars, the man says. I can't go anywhere. The elders caught us -giving a rassle when Aliana was away and we're in again.</p> - -<p>These flower roots taste terrible.</p> - -<p class="ph5">Jed</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="ph41"> SPACEGRAM</p> - -<p>To: Jed Michaels,<br /> -Ryttuk, Eros</p> - -<p>YOU BLUNDERING BABOON, YOU'RE FIRED.</p> - -<p class="ph51"> HORROCKS</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="ph4">ROCKET MAIL<br /> -(Free, Royal Frank)</p> - -<p>Royal Palace, Eros</p> - -<p>To: H. E. Horrocks,<br /> -Cosmopolis, Earth</p> - -<p>Dear melon brain:</p> - -<p>I gather from your last message that you wish to discharge me. I accept -the offer, fat boy. In fact, under royal Eros precedent, which I made -up three minutes ago, we will even pay for your message. However, -the words "you blundering baboon" do not seem a necessary part of -that message, and their cost will be taken out of the first bit of -business that the royal house of Eros decides to honor your puny little -corporation with.</p> - -<p>If any.</p> - -<p>Times are changed, Hankus. I'm a big shot now.</p> - -<p>A few hours after we got back in the pit, Aliana came back and sneaked -down to see us. She said she thought it was about time to end this -council of elders' nonsense and she asked our help.</p> - -<p>I told her plan to the wrestlers in words of one syllable or less. They -all agreed except the Faceless Wonder.</p> - -<p>"I don't see why I should have nothing to do with no book," he said. It -seems he had had a book once and chewed up the first three chapters -before he found put it wasn't something to eat.</p> - -<p>I signaled to the boys. Zbich clamped a headlock on him. The Choker got -a hammerlock. The Gorilla Man took him in a scissors. Gorgeous Gordon -got a toehold and Barefoot Charley stood by to jump on his stomach.</p> - -<p>"Do you understand now?" I asked politely.</p> - -<p>"Sure, Jed, sure," said the Faceless Wonder. "Why didn't ya explain it -to me in the first place?"</p> - -<p>So the next morning, we yelled for books. And for the following days, -whenever anybody was around, we were busy sniffing flowers and reading. -Between times, I tried to explain to the wrestlers why there weren't -more pictures in the books.</p> - -<p>A week later, we sprang the trap. I told the stablehand who brought us -our fodder that I had taken in so much culture that I was breathing -beauty. Zbich, gagging a little, asked for a second helping of flower -roots. Gorgeous Gordon requested a needle and thread; he said he had -fallen behind in his needlepoint.</p> - -<p>A report of the conversation got to the council of elders and it -brought them to the lip of the pit, looking like something the glue -factory had refused to accept. Aliana was with them.</p> - -<p>I bowed from the waist and made a speech. I thanked the elders for -showing me the error of my ways. I said that, after staying in the -lovely erydnium pit, I was enraptured with flowers, crazy about culture -and practically engaged in five dimension calculus. I asked that I and -the boys could have the priceless boon of walking freely around Eros, -swapping beautiful thoughts with the local yokels.</p> - -<p>The elders went into a deep state of flutter. Most of them were for -accepting our proposition out of hand—which was bad. Our old pal with -the beard saved us.</p> - -<p>"But I saw these men romping," he shrilled. He lowered his voice to a -high alto. "Positively romping!"</p> - -<p>"Perhaps these men could prove their sincerity," Aliana said, winking -at me. "Perhaps one of them would consent to illustrate what he has -learned here by giving a public talk on some scientific subject."</p> - -<p>"I should be glad," I answered, "to hack off a lecture for the good -folk of Eros. Suppose I give it on anatomy."</p> - -<p>And so it was decided.</p> - -<p>Exactly as we had planned.</p> - -<p>There was an amphitheater which the inhabitants of Eros had been using -for ballets, string quartets and lectures by such of the longhairs as -got stuffed so full of long words that they couldn't keep them to -themselves. I had ringposts and ropes set up on the platform, saying I -needed them to illustrate my talk. I got into the ring with Gorgeous -Gordon and Zbich, who were dressed in trunks and bathrobes.</p> - -<p>The wit and beauty of Eros was assembled there, the beauty being -represented by the girls, and the wit—such as it was—by the council -of elders. The rest of the seats were filled with other forms, some of -them tolerably easy to look at.</p> - -<p>I had picked out the subject of anatomy in the belief that none of the -inhabitants of Eros knew anything about it.</p> - -<p>The men didn't notice and the women had nothing at all to look at, -anyway.</p> - -<p>I went into my act.</p> - -<p>"Kind hosts, friends and unfortunate incidents," I said. "My topic is -the science of anatomy. Now, the science of anatomy is copacetic to the -point of mopery. The cerebellum is distended and the duodenum goes into -a state of e pluribus unum. Incalculably, thrombosis registers and the -ectoplasm becomes elliptic. Or, in the vernacular, the eight ball in -the side pocket."</p> - -<p>The crowd sat stunned. Here and there, a flower sniffer looked down at -his own rack of bones to check my statement.</p> - -<p>"Let me illustrate," I said. I drew the bathrobes off the wrestlers.</p> - -<p>The boys' muscles rippled as they strutted around the ring. From the -women spectators came a long, deep sigh. From that moment, we had half -the audience with us—the female half.</p> - -<p>"In anatomy," I said, shaking my finger to emphasize the point, "the -wingback shifts outward for a lateral. In the words of the great -philosopher Hypocritus, the coil should always be kept clean between -the barrel and the tap and all excess collar should be removed with a -spatula."</p> - -<p>Nobody was listening to me; they were looking at the wrestlers, which, -of course, was what I'd figured on. Most of the men were comparing the -grunters' muscles to their own, and here and there a few were dropping -their flowers onto the floor.</p> - -<p>I signaled and in a second the boys were an omelet of flying legs. The -crowd gasped, then leaned forward intently. The shrieking began when -Gordon got a headlock on Zbich. It grew when Zbich flipped Gorgeous -with a flying mare. By the time Gordon got in a billygoat butt, the -amphitheater sounded like feeding time at the zoo.</p> - -<p>But there was another sound, too. Old Whiskers was tottering down the -aisle, shrieking, "This is romping! Mere romping!"</p> - -<p>I signaled and the boys stopped.</p> - -<p>"We need a third man to illustrate the next point," I said. "Perhaps -the gentleman in the aisle will volunteer."</p> - -<p>Two wrestlers grabbed Old Whiskers and tossed him into the ring. Making -fast double talk, I took off his shirt and he stood there, stripped to -the waist, blinking in the sun and looking like a dehydrated squab.</p> - -<p>The crowd noted the contrast between his scrawniness and the muscles of -the wrestlers. A roar of laughter swept it.</p> - -<p>"Perhaps," I said, "the gentleman would like to romp."</p> - -<p>Zbich made a grab for him and he scuttled out of the ring, falling over -the lower rope. A woman in the first row slugged him with a gardenia.</p> - -<p>"Sit down, you old fool!" She turned to the wrestlers. "Break it off!" -she shouted.</p> - -<p>The match went on.</p> - -<p>In my career, including my medicine show days, I've had lots of easy -marks, but nothing to compare to the crowd at Eros' first wrestling -match. When Gorgeous took the first fall with a body scissors, they -went mad; when Zbich evened it up, they went hysterical; when Zbich -took the deciding fall, they were delirious. And at the end of the -match between Choker Jonas and the Faceless Wonder, they were reduced -to a jelly. We had to call off the third match for fear we would have -to take them home in jars.</p> - -<p>At the end, we went in a body, led by the wrestlers, and threw the -council of elders into the erydnium pit. We are keeping them now on a -diet of raw meat.</p> - -<p>The amphitheater has been converted into a permanent wrestling arena. -We've laid out a football and a baseball field in the lyceum grove, and -next week we'll start turning the botanical garden into a golf course.</p> - -<p>To carry out the full program, we shall have to buy some equipment -and hire some talent. Whether we toss some of the business to -Interplanetary depends, Hankus boy, entirely on what attitude -Interplanetary takes toward you know who.</p> - -<p>When you write your crawling letter, you worm, address me as "Your -Mightiness." I am minister of athletics on Eros now and the second most -important person on the planetoid.</p> - -<p>My work takes me close to the Princess Aliana. Very close.</p> - -<p>Come to think of it, I wish there was a moon on Eros. It's not -essential, but it helps.</p> - -<p>So long, peasant.</p> - -<p class="ph5">JED</p> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's The Celestial Hammerlock, by Donald Colvin - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CELESTIAL HAMMERLOCK *** - -***** This file should be named 51533-h.htm or 51533-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/5/3/51533/ - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: The Celestial Hammerlock - -Author: Donald Colvin - -Release Date: March 23, 2016 [EBook #51533] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CELESTIAL HAMMERLOCK *** - - - - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - - The Celestial Hammerlock - - By DONALD COLVIN - - Illustrated by NORRIS - - [Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from - Galaxy Science Fiction October 1951. - Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that - the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.] - - - This bigtime space promoter could get - the Horsehead Nebula in a flying mare--but - pinning a planetoid is tougher! - - -SPACEGRAM - -From: Jed Michaels, - -Ryttuk, Eros - -To: H. E. Horrocks, - -Interplanetary Amusement Corp., - -Cosmopolis, Earth - -I QUIT, YOU BALLOON BRAIN. - -JED - - * * * * * - -ROCKET MAIL (Second Class) - -Dear Michaels: - -Your last message indicates you wish to leave the employment of the -Interplanetary Amusement Corp. Under our employee policy, this is -allowable, effective upon completion of your current assignment. Under -precedent set as long ago as 2347 A. D. the company will even pay the -cost of your message of resignation. - -However, the words "you balloon brain" do not seem a necessary part of -that message and will be deducted from your salary. - -Furthermore, I have a few words of my own to say. You march straight -into my office, Michaels, just as soon as you get back from Eros. Eros? -WHAT IN HELL ARE YOU DOING ON EROS? - -Horrocks - - * * * * * - -ROCKET MAIL (First Class) - -Mr. H. E. Horrocks - -Dear Balloon Brain: - -If you paid a little more attention to your office and less to that -golf course on Venus, you'd know what I am doing on Eros. I got here -two days ago via Mars with a herd of six wrestlers, in accordance with -your own written memorandum. We were to appear at an Auruchs club -smoker. - -Upon arrival, I found that no preparations had been made for us and -nobody knows anything about an Auruchs club. - -The people here are nuts. They talk in six syllable words and their -idea of a good time is to sniff flowers and do five dimensional -calculus. They have less use for wrestlers than I have for you. - -Michaels - - * * * * * - -ROCKET MAIL (Second Class) - -Michaels, you nitwit: - -That wasn't _Eros_, you idiot! You were supposed to go to _Erie_--Erie, -Pa., right here on Earth! - -If you remembered even your sixth grade Solar System history, you -would know that the planetoid Eros was settled in 2141 by a group of -longhairs headed by Prof. M. R. Snock, a philosopher with a dozen -university degrees. - -He wanted to show that war, crime and all forms of violence would -disappear if people thought only beautiful thoughts. - -The planetoid is lousy rich with erydnium ore and the people keep in -luxury selling it to space freighters. They spend their time being -gentle and thinking beautiful. There hasn't even been a spitball thrown -there in eight generations. - -A _fine_ place for you to show up mahouting six wrestlers with no -foreheads. You're lucky they haven't thrown you in jail. - -Horrocks - - * * * * * - -ROCKET MAIL (Postage Due) - -Mr. H. E. Horrocks - -Dear Jellyhead: - -What do you mean lucky? We _are_ in jail. - -Right after we got here, the boys decided they had been cramped in that -local spaceship and needed a workout to limber up. As soon as they got -started, they were surrounded by a bunch of scrawny males, all sniffing -hollyhocks. - -Their spokesman, a bald bird with rosebuds in his whiskers, touched -me with a gold-headed cane and said that apparently we were not yet -attuned to the high mental plane of the planetoid, and would we mind -going into protective custody while they worked over our egos and cured -our kineticism. - -I said suppose we wouldn't. He looked shocked and waved his flower and -said that then, although it had never happened before, he supposed -he would have to call the space patrol and have us thrown into the -hoosegow on Ganymede. - -I translated that into basic wrestler for the boys and we agreed we'd -better go along. We'd heard about the jail those tough space patrol -babies operate on Ganymede. - -The flower lovers took us to an old erydnium pit and asked us to -please go down. Now they're perfuming us every hour and feeding us -flower bulbs to make us gentle. - -We could climb out of this rat-hole whenever we wanted, but that would -be climbing straight into a striped spacesuit. - -I think about you all the time. And if you think they're beautiful -thoughts, you're as crazy as I've always suspected. - -Michaels - -P.S. The boys asked that I enclose this note from them: - -Dear Mr. Horox: - -We do not like it here Mr. Horox. The Grub is no good. You come get us. -Plese Mr. Horox. Come soon. - -Gorilla Man Thorpe - -Choker Jonas - -R. Z. Zbich, light-heavyweight champion of the Moon, Mercury and the -inner rings of Saturn - -Gorgeous Gordon - -Barefoot Charles Anya - -X, the Faceless Wonder - - * * * * * - -ROCKET MAIL (First Class) - -Mr. Jed Michaels - -Mr. Michaels: - -Don't think you can sit around doing nothing and collect pay from the -Interplanetary Amusement Corp. You're suspended until you get out of -there. - -Horrocks - - * * * * * - -SPACEGRAM (Collect) - -Mr. H. E. Horrocks, - -Cosmopolis, Earth - -MY RESIGNATION IS A MISTAKE. I WITHDRAW IT. YOU ARE BEST OF ALL -POSSIBLE BOSSES. IMPROBABLE AS IT SEEMS, I LOVE YOU. - -JED - - * * * * * - -SPACEGRAM - -Mr. Jed Michaels, - -Ryttuk, Eros - -ONLY ONE POSSIBLE CAUSE FOR YOUR LAST SPACEGRAM. HAS SHE A SISTER? - -HANK - - * * * * * - -ROCKET MAIL (Second Class) - -Mr. H. E. Horrocks - -My dear employer and pal: - -Eros is a _wonderful_ asteroid! - -Toward the end of the second day in the pit, the wrestlers limbered -up. Zbich and the Gorilla Man worked out on headlocks, Gorgeous Gordon -did calisthenics, and Barefoot Charley, Choker Jonas and the Faceless -Wonder got themselves into a grunting free-for-all. - -After that got under way, I heard a squeal and a girl came bounding -down the pit side. She was young and dark-haired and pretty. She -might have been as intellectual as the president of Harvard above the -shoulders, but what a framework she had to hold up that brain! - -She went over to Gorgeous Gordon and she said, "Ooh!" With all the -flower lovers around here, it was probably the first man with muscles -she had ever seen. - -The big ham swelled up. He flexed his arms and stuck out his chest. -"OOH!" said the girl, and went bounding back up the side of the pit. - -I stopped the exercise and the wrestlers sat and mused blankly at each -other. - -In a few minutes, our little visitor was back again. With her were -about a dozen pals, differing in details, but resembling her in the -important points. - -The leader was a tall, brown-haired, gray-eyed girl, with a face where -intellect fought a losing battle with a dimple. The others helped her -down the pit side as if she were something fragile and precious, like -maybe a new bottle of perfume. - -Then our pal went back to Gorgeous Gordon. "More ooh!" said the girl -guide. - -You know how wrestlers are. They'll slap each other silly to get the -cheers of four kids on a street corner, or commit mayhem for a purse -big enough to buy a ham hock. In five seconds, we had going one of the -finest wrestling matches in the history of good, clean sportsmanship. -And over the cracking of wrestler's bones rose the shrieks of the -girls, showing that their throats were in the right place, even if -their brains weren't. - -The gray-eyed girl sat with me on a flange of unmined ore. She was -Aliana, a direct descendant of the leader of the Eros pioneers. As -such, she was princess of the planetoid, although she left most of the -governing to a council of elders, apparently as outstanding an array of -mossbacks as ever smelled a gardenia or just plain smelled. - -"I sometimes think, Mr. Michaels," Aliana told me, "that we of Eros -have laid too much stress upon the cerebral. I wonder if our lives -would not be fuller if we also included some of the more vigorous -activities, such as the one in which those men are now engaged." - -"If it's a vacation for your mind that you want, Princess," I agreed, -"those boys are your meat." - -Just then the Gorilla Man got a leg split on Barefoot Charley and began -to braid his toes. - -"How stimulating," breathed Aliana. "What is proper for the onlooker to -remark in such a situation?" - -"A satisfactory outcry, Princess," I explained, "is, 'Break it off!'" - -"Break it off!" encouraged Aliana. - -I had to wind it up, finally, before the wrestlers reduced themselves -to blubber, thereby forcing the Interplanetary Amusement Corp. to go -out and lasso itself another herd. - -The girls went giggling up the side of the pit. At the top, Aliana -waved at me. The others blew kisses, not caring much where they landed, -as long as the receiver had muscles. - -Next morning, a young man came into the pit. He announced that, upon -Princes Aliana's orders, we were to have the freedom of Eros, so that -contact with the planetoid culture could win us from our uncouth ways. - -He was too young to be wholly gentled by the flowers and the council -of elders. So the Choker showed him a wristlock. And when the Choker -tossed him on his ear in the erydnium ore, he said words that were not -beautiful. Maybe there's something to the people of this asteroid. - -Anyway, everything is great now. We wander wherever we please, as long -as we return to the pit to sleep. When nobody is looking, we sneak into -the royal palace courtyard and put on a wrestling show for the girls. - -And the nights! Ah, the nights! - -Don't turn entirely green with envy, Hankus. At least leave your nose -the familiar red. - -Jed - - * * * * * - -SPACEGRAM - -To: Jed Michaels, Ryttuk, Eros - -FINE WORK. RETURN IMMEDIATELY. WILL MEET YOU AT MARS. MAYBE YOU CAN -PERSUADE SOME OF THE GIRLS TO ACCOMPANY YOU THAT FAR. AM SENDING THE -WRESTLERS TO SATURN. - -HANK - - * * * * * - -ROCKET MAIL (First Class) - -To: H. E. Horrocks, - -Cosmopolis, Earth - -Dear Hank: - -Go to Mars, the man says. I can't go anywhere. The elders caught us -giving a rassle when Aliana was away and we're in again. - -These flower roots taste terrible. - -Jed - - * * * * * - -SPACEGRAM - -To: Jed Michaels, - -Ryttuk, Eros - -YOU BLUNDERING BABOON, YOU'RE FIRED. - -HORROCKS - - * * * * * - -ROCKET MAIL - -(Free, Royal Frank) - -Royal Palace, Eros - -To: H. E. Horrocks, - -Cosmopolis, Earth - -Dear melon brain: - -I gather from your last message that you wish to discharge me. I accept -the offer, fat boy. In fact, under royal Eros precedent, which I made -up three minutes ago, we will even pay for your message. However, -the words "you blundering baboon" do not seem a necessary part of -that message, and their cost will be taken out of the first bit of -business that the royal house of Eros decides to honor your puny little -corporation with. - -If any. - -Times are changed, Hankus. I'm a big shot now. - -A few hours after we got back in the pit, Aliana came back and sneaked -down to see us. She said she thought it was about time to end this -council of elders' nonsense and she asked our help. - -I told her plan to the wrestlers in words of one syllable or less. They -all agreed except the Faceless Wonder. - -"I don't see why I should have nothing to do with no book," he said. It -seems he had had a book once and chewed up the first three chapters -before he found put it wasn't something to eat. - -I signaled to the boys. Zbich clamped a headlock on him. The Choker got -a hammerlock. The Gorilla Man took him in a scissors. Gorgeous Gordon -got a toehold and Barefoot Charley stood by to jump on his stomach. - -"Do you understand now?" I asked politely. - -"Sure, Jed, sure," said the Faceless Wonder. "Why didn't ya explain it -to me in the first place?" - -So the next morning, we yelled for books. And for the following days, -whenever anybody was around, we were busy sniffing flowers and reading. -Between times, I tried to explain to the wrestlers why there weren't -more pictures in the books. - -A week later, we sprang the trap. I told the stablehand who brought us -our fodder that I had taken in so much culture that I was breathing -beauty. Zbich, gagging a little, asked for a second helping of flower -roots. Gorgeous Gordon requested a needle and thread; he said he had -fallen behind in his needlepoint. - -A report of the conversation got to the council of elders and it -brought them to the lip of the pit, looking like something the glue -factory had refused to accept. Aliana was with them. - -I bowed from the waist and made a speech. I thanked the elders for -showing me the error of my ways. I said that, after staying in the -lovely erydnium pit, I was enraptured with flowers, crazy about culture -and practically engaged in five dimension calculus. I asked that I and -the boys could have the priceless boon of walking freely around Eros, -swapping beautiful thoughts with the local yokels. - -The elders went into a deep state of flutter. Most of them were for -accepting our proposition out of hand--which was bad. Our old pal with -the beard saved us. - -"But I saw these men romping," he shrilled. He lowered his voice to a -high alto. "Positively romping!" - -"Perhaps these men could prove their sincerity," Aliana said, winking -at me. "Perhaps one of them would consent to illustrate what he has -learned here by giving a public talk on some scientific subject." - -"I should be glad," I answered, "to hack off a lecture for the good -folk of Eros. Suppose I give it on anatomy." - -And so it was decided. - -Exactly as we had planned. - -There was an amphitheater which the inhabitants of Eros had been using -for ballets, string quartets and lectures by such of the longhairs as -got stuffed so full of long words that they couldn't keep them to -themselves. I had ringposts and ropes set up on the platform, saying I -needed them to illustrate my talk. I got into the ring with Gorgeous -Gordon and Zbich, who were dressed in trunks and bathrobes. - -The wit and beauty of Eros was assembled there, the beauty being -represented by the girls, and the wit--such as it was--by the council -of elders. The rest of the seats were filled with other forms, some of -them tolerably easy to look at. - -I had picked out the subject of anatomy in the belief that none of the -inhabitants of Eros knew anything about it. - -The men didn't notice and the women had nothing at all to look at, -anyway. - -I went into my act. - -"Kind hosts, friends and unfortunate incidents," I said. "My topic is -the science of anatomy. Now, the science of anatomy is copacetic to the -point of mopery. The cerebellum is distended and the duodenum goes into -a state of e pluribus unum. Incalculably, thrombosis registers and the -ectoplasm becomes elliptic. Or, in the vernacular, the eight ball in -the side pocket." - -The crowd sat stunned. Here and there, a flower sniffer looked down at -his own rack of bones to check my statement. - -"Let me illustrate," I said. I drew the bathrobes off the wrestlers. - -The boys' muscles rippled as they strutted around the ring. From the -women spectators came a long, deep sigh. From that moment, we had half -the audience with us--the female half. - -"In anatomy," I said, shaking my finger to emphasize the point, "the -wingback shifts outward for a lateral. In the words of the great -philosopher Hypocritus, the coil should always be kept clean between -the barrel and the tap and all excess collar should be removed with a -spatula." - -Nobody was listening to me; they were looking at the wrestlers, which, -of course, was what I'd figured on. Most of the men were comparing the -grunters' muscles to their own, and here and there a few were dropping -their flowers onto the floor. - -I signaled and in a second the boys were an omelet of flying legs. The -crowd gasped, then leaned forward intently. The shrieking began when -Gordon got a headlock on Zbich. It grew when Zbich flipped Gorgeous -with a flying mare. By the time Gordon got in a billygoat butt, the -amphitheater sounded like feeding time at the zoo. - -But there was another sound, too. Old Whiskers was tottering down the -aisle, shrieking, "This is romping! Mere romping!" - -I signaled and the boys stopped. - -"We need a third man to illustrate the next point," I said. "Perhaps -the gentleman in the aisle will volunteer." - -Two wrestlers grabbed Old Whiskers and tossed him into the ring. Making -fast double talk, I took off his shirt and he stood there, stripped to -the waist, blinking in the sun and looking like a dehydrated squab. - -The crowd noted the contrast between his scrawniness and the muscles of -the wrestlers. A roar of laughter swept it. - -"Perhaps," I said, "the gentleman would like to romp." - -Zbich made a grab for him and he scuttled out of the ring, falling over -the lower rope. A woman in the first row slugged him with a gardenia. - -"Sit down, you old fool!" She turned to the wrestlers. "Break it off!" -she shouted. - -The match went on. - -In my career, including my medicine show days, I've had lots of easy -marks, but nothing to compare to the crowd at Eros' first wrestling -match. When Gorgeous took the first fall with a body scissors, they -went mad; when Zbich evened it up, they went hysterical; when Zbich -took the deciding fall, they were delirious. And at the end of the -match between Choker Jonas and the Faceless Wonder, they were reduced -to a jelly. We had to call off the third match for fear we would have -to take them home in jars. - -At the end, we went in a body, led by the wrestlers, and threw the -council of elders into the erydnium pit. We are keeping them now on a -diet of raw meat. - -The amphitheater has been converted into a permanent wrestling arena. -We've laid out a football and a baseball field in the lyceum grove, and -next week we'll start turning the botanical garden into a golf course. - -To carry out the full program, we shall have to buy some equipment -and hire some talent. Whether we toss some of the business to -Interplanetary depends, Hankus boy, entirely on what attitude -Interplanetary takes toward you know who. - -When you write your crawling letter, you worm, address me as "Your -Mightiness." I am minister of athletics on Eros now and the second most -important person on the planetoid. - -My work takes me close to the Princess Aliana. Very close. - -Come to think of it, I wish there was a moon on Eros. It's not -essential, but it helps. - -So long, peasant. - -JED - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's The Celestial Hammerlock, by Donald Colvin - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CELESTIAL HAMMERLOCK *** - -***** This file should be named 51533.txt or 51533.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/5/3/51533/ - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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