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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: The Feeling - -Author: Roger Dee - -Release Date: March 21, 2016 [EBook #51518] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FEELING *** - - - - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<div class="figcenter"> - <img src="images/cover.jpg" width="391" height="500" alt=""/> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="titlepage"> -<h1>The Feeling</h1> - -<p>By ROGER DEE</p> - -<p>Illustrated by GAUGHAN</p> - -<p>[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from<br /> -Galaxy Magazine April 1961.<br /> -Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that<br /> -the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]</p> - -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="ph3"><i>If this story holds true in real<br /> -practice, it may reveal something<br /> -about us that we've never known.</i></p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p>"We're just starting on the first one—Walraven, ship's communications -man," Costain said, low-voiced. "Captain Maxon and Vaughn have called -in. There's been no word from Ragan."</p> - -<p>Coordinator Erwin took his seat beside the psychologist, his bearing -as militarily authoritative in spite of civilian clothing as the room's -air was medical.</p> - -<p>"Maybe Ragan won't turn up," Erwin said. "Maybe we've still got a man -out there to bring the ship back."</p> - -<p>Costain made a quieting gesture, his eyes on the three-man psych -team grouped about Walraven's wheeled reclining chair. "They've given -Walraven a light somnolent. Not enough to put him out, just enough to -make him relive the flight in detail. Accurately."</p> - -<p>The lead psych man killed the room's lighting to a glow. "Lieutenant -Walraven, the ship is ready. You are at your post, with Captain Maxon -and Lieutenants Vaughn and Ragan. The first Mars flight is about to -blast off. How do you feel?"</p> - -<p>Walraven lay utterly relaxed, his face dreaming. His voice had the -waning sound of a tape running down for lack of power.</p> - -<p>"Jumpy," he said. "But not really afraid. We're too well conditioned -for that, I guess. This is a big thing, an important thing. Exciting."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>It had been exciting at first. The long preparation over, training and -study and news interviews and final parties all dreamlike and part of -the past. Outside now, invisible but hearteningly present beyond the -ship's impermeable hull, the essential and privileged people waiting to -see them off. The ship's power plant was humming gently like a giant, -patient cat.</p> - -<p>Captain Maxon passed out muscle-relaxant capsules. The total boneless -relaxation that was their defense against acceleration came quickly.</p> - -<p>The ship was two hours out, beyond lunar orbit and still accelerating, -when, trained for months against the moment, set each about his task. -Readings occupied Maxon and Vaughn and Ragan while Walraven checked his -communications and telemetering gear.</p> - -<p>It was not until the transmitter slot had licked up its first coded -tape—no plain text here, security before even safety—and reported all -well, the predicted borne out, that they became aware of the Feeling.</p> - -<p>The four of them sat in their unsqueaking gimbaled seats and looked -at each other, sharing the Feeling and knowing that they shared it, -but not why. Vaughn, who was given to poetry and some degree of -soul-searching, made the first open recognition.</p> - -<p>"There's something wrong," he said.</p> - -<p>The others agreed and, agreeing, could add nothing of explanation to -the wrongness. Time passed while they sat, seeing within themselves for -the answer—and if not for answer, at least for identification—but -nothing came and nothing changed except that with time the steady -pressure of the Feeling grew stronger.</p> - -<p>Vaughn, again, was first to react to the pressure. "We've got to -do something." He twisted out of his seat and wavered in the small -pseudogravity of the ship's continuing acceleration. "I've never in my -life felt so desolate, so—"</p> - -<p>He stopped. "There aren't any words," he said helplessly.</p> - -<p>Less articulate than Vaughn and knowing it, the others did not try to -help find the words. Only Ragan, professional soldier without family or -close tie anywhere in the world, had a suggestion.</p> - -<p>"The ship's power plant is partly psionic," Ragan said. "I don't -understand the principle, but it's been drilled into us that no -other system can give a one-directional thrust without reaction. The -psi-drive is tied into our minds in the same way it's tied into the -atomic and electronic components. It's part of us and we're part of it."</p> - -<p>Even Maxon, crew authority on the combination drive, missed his meaning -at first.</p> - -<p>"If our atomic shielding fails," Ragan explained, "we're irradiated. -If our psionics bank fails, we may feel anything. Maybe the trouble is -there."</p> - -<p>Privately they disagreed, certain that nothing so disquieting as the -Feeling that weighted them down could be induced even by so cryptic a -marriage of dissimilar principles as made up the ship's power plant. -Still it was a possible avenue of relief.</p> - -<p>"It's worth trying," Maxon said, and they checked.</p> - -<p>And checked, and checked.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"We worked for hours," Walraven said, "but nothing came of it. None -of us, even Maxon, knew enough about the psi-drive to be sure, but we -ended up certain that the trouble wasn't there. It was in us."</p> - -<p>The drug was wearing thin, leaving him pale and shaken. His face had a -glisten of sweat under the lowered lights.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="figcenter"> - <img src="images/illus.jpg" width="340" height="500" alt=""/> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p>The lead psych man chose a hypodermic needle, looked to Erwin and -Costain for authority, and administered a second injection.</p> - -<p>"You gave up searching," he said. "What then, Lieutenant?"</p> - -<p>"We waited," Walraven said.</p> - -<p>He relaxed, his face smoothing to impersonal detachment as his mind -slipped back to the ship and its crew. Watching, Costain felt a sudden -deep unease as if the man's mind had really winged back through time -and space and carried a part of his own with it.</p> - -<p>"There was only one more possible check," Walraven said. "We had to -wait two days for that."</p> - -<p>The check was Maxon's idea, simple of execution and unarguable of -result. At halfway point acceleration must cease, the ship rotate on -its gyros and deceleration set in. There would be a period of waiting -when the power plant must be shut off completely.</p> - -<p>If the Feeling stemmed from the psi-drive, it would lift then.</p> - -<p>It did not lift. They sat weightless and disoriented while the gyros -precessed and the ship swung end by end and the steady pressure of the -Feeling mounted up and up without relief.</p> - -<p>"It gets worse every hour," Vaughn said raggedly.</p> - -<p>"It's not a matter of time," Maxon said. "It's the distance. The -Feeling grows stronger as we get farther from home."</p> - -<p>They sat for another time without talk, feeling the distance build up -behind them and sensing through the unwindowed hull of the ship what -the emptiness outside must be like. The ship was no longer an armored -projectile bearing them snugly and swiftly to a first planetfall. It -was a walnut shell without strength or direction.</p> - -<p>In the end they talked out their problem because there was nothing else -they could do.</p> - -<p>"We're men," Maxon said, not as if he must convince himself but as if -it were a premise that had to be made, a starting point for all logic. -"We're reasoning creatures. If the trouble lies in ourselves we can -find its source and its reason for being."</p> - -<p>He picked Vaughn first because Vaughn had been first to sense the -wrongness and because the most sensitive link in a chain is also -predictably its weakest.</p> - -<p>"Try," Maxon said. "I know there are no words to describe this thing, -but get as close as you can."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Vaughn tried. "It isn't home-sickness. It's a different thing -altogether from nostalgia. It's not just fear. I'm afraid—not of any -<i>thing</i>, just afraid in the way a child is afraid of falling in his -dreams, when he's really had no experience with falling because he's -never fallen more than a few inches in his life.... When I think of my -wife, it's not the same at all as if I were just in some far corner of -the Earth with only land and water between us. Even if I were marooned -on an uncharted island somewhere with no hope of seeing home again, I -wouldn't feel this way. There wouldn't be this awful <i>pulling</i>."</p> - -<p>Ragan agreed with Vaughn that the Feeling was essentially a <i>pull</i>, but -beyond agreement could add nothing. Ragan had covered the world without -forming a tie to hold him; one place was as good as another and he -felt no loss for any particular spot on Earth.</p> - -<p>"I only want to be back there," he said simply. "Anywhere but here."</p> - -<p>"I was born on a farm in New England," Walraven said. "Out of the land, -like my father and his people before him. I'm part of that land, no -matter how far from it I go, because everything I am came from it. I -feel uprooted. I don't belong here."</p> - -<p><i>Uprooted</i> was the key for which they had hunted.</p> - -<p>Maxon said slowly, "There are wild animals on Earth that can't live -away from their natural homes. Insects—how does a termite feel, cut -off from its hive? Maybe that's our trouble. Something bigger than -individual men made the human race what it is. Maybe we've been a sort -of composite being all along, without knowing it, tied together by the -need of each other and not able to exist apart. Maybe no one knew it -before because no one was ever isolated in the way we are."</p> - -<p>Walraven had more to say, almost defiant in his earnestness. "This is -going to sound wild, but I've been fighting inside myself ever since -Vaughn mentioned being pulled toward home. I have the feeling that if -I'd only let go, I'd be back where I belong." He snapped his fingers, -the sound loud in the room. "Like that."</p> - -<p>No one laughed because each found in himself the same conviction -waiting to be recognized. Ragan said, "Walraven's right. There's no -place on Earth I care for more than another, but I feel I could be back -there in any one of them"—he snapped his fingers, as Walraven had -done—"as quickly as that."</p> - -<p>"I know," Maxon said. "But we can't let go. We were sent out to put -this ship into orbit around Mars. We've got to take her there."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Walraven said, "It wasn't easy. The Feeling got worse as we went out -and out. Knowing what it was helped a little, but not enough. We held -onto each other, the four of us, to keep the group together. We <i>knew</i> -what would happen if we let go."</p> - -<p>The head psych man looked to Costain and put his needle away when -Costain shook his head.</p> - -<p>"The ship," Coordinator Erwin said sharply. "Walraven, you did put her -into orbit?"</p> - -<p>"Yes," Walraven said. "We put her into orbit and turned on the -telemetering equipment—they'll be picking up her signals by now—and -then we turned our backs on each other and we let go. There wasn't any -feeling of motion or speed, but I felt a fresh breeze on my face and -when I opened my eyes I was standing beside a familiar stone fence on -a hill above the house where I was born. You haven't told me, but the -others came back, too, didn't they?"</p> - -<p>"All but Ragan," Erwin said. His tone made Costain think wryly, <i>Even -the military can snatch at straws</i>. "Maxon and Vaughn called in. But we -haven't heard from Ragan."</p> - -<p>"He wasn't left behind," Walraven said with certainty. "Ragan has no -family, but he has a home. We're standing on it."</p> - -<p>An orderly came in with an envelope for Costain, who opened it and -handed the paper to Erwin. To Walraven, Costain said, "It's a cablegram -from North Ireland. Ragan is back."</p> - -<p>Erwin was still gripping the paper in his hand when he walked with -Costain out of the hospital into the bright airiness of a spring day. -He glared at the warm, blue sky.</p> - -<p>"We'll find a way," Erwin said. "We've proved that we can put men on -Mars. With the right conditioning, we can keep them there."</p> - -<p>"You're a dedicated and resolute man, Coordinator," Costain said. "Do -you really suppose that any amount of conditioning could fit you to do -what those boys failed at?"</p> - -<p>The long moment of considering that passed before Erwin answered left a -fine sheen of sweat on his face.</p> - -<p>"No," Erwin said.</p> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Feeling, by Roger Dee - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FEELING *** - -***** This file should be named 51518-h.htm or 51518-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/5/1/51518/ - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: The Feeling - -Author: Roger Dee - -Release Date: March 21, 2016 [EBook #51518] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FEELING *** - - - - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - - The Feeling - - By ROGER DEE - - Illustrated by GAUGHAN - - [Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from - Galaxy Magazine April 1961. - Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that - the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.] - - - - - If this story holds true in real - practice, it may reveal something - about us that we've never known. - - -"We're just starting on the first one--Walraven, ship's communications -man," Costain said, low-voiced. "Captain Maxon and Vaughn have called -in. There's been no word from Ragan." - -Coordinator Erwin took his seat beside the psychologist, his bearing -as militarily authoritative in spite of civilian clothing as the room's -air was medical. - -"Maybe Ragan won't turn up," Erwin said. "Maybe we've still got a man -out there to bring the ship back." - -Costain made a quieting gesture, his eyes on the three-man psych -team grouped about Walraven's wheeled reclining chair. "They've given -Walraven a light somnolent. Not enough to put him out, just enough to -make him relive the flight in detail. Accurately." - -The lead psych man killed the room's lighting to a glow. "Lieutenant -Walraven, the ship is ready. You are at your post, with Captain Maxon -and Lieutenants Vaughn and Ragan. The first Mars flight is about to -blast off. How do you feel?" - -Walraven lay utterly relaxed, his face dreaming. His voice had the -waning sound of a tape running down for lack of power. - -"Jumpy," he said. "But not really afraid. We're too well conditioned -for that, I guess. This is a big thing, an important thing. Exciting." - - * * * * * - -It had been exciting at first. The long preparation over, training and -study and news interviews and final parties all dreamlike and part of -the past. Outside now, invisible but hearteningly present beyond the -ship's impermeable hull, the essential and privileged people waiting to -see them off. The ship's power plant was humming gently like a giant, -patient cat. - -Captain Maxon passed out muscle-relaxant capsules. The total boneless -relaxation that was their defense against acceleration came quickly. - -The ship was two hours out, beyond lunar orbit and still accelerating, -when, trained for months against the moment, set each about his task. -Readings occupied Maxon and Vaughn and Ragan while Walraven checked his -communications and telemetering gear. - -It was not until the transmitter slot had licked up its first coded -tape--no plain text here, security before even safety--and reported all -well, the predicted borne out, that they became aware of the Feeling. - -The four of them sat in their unsqueaking gimbaled seats and looked -at each other, sharing the Feeling and knowing that they shared it, -but not why. Vaughn, who was given to poetry and some degree of -soul-searching, made the first open recognition. - -"There's something wrong," he said. - -The others agreed and, agreeing, could add nothing of explanation to -the wrongness. Time passed while they sat, seeing within themselves for -the answer--and if not for answer, at least for identification--but -nothing came and nothing changed except that with time the steady -pressure of the Feeling grew stronger. - -Vaughn, again, was first to react to the pressure. "We've got to -do something." He twisted out of his seat and wavered in the small -pseudogravity of the ship's continuing acceleration. "I've never in my -life felt so desolate, so--" - -He stopped. "There aren't any words," he said helplessly. - -Less articulate than Vaughn and knowing it, the others did not try to -help find the words. Only Ragan, professional soldier without family or -close tie anywhere in the world, had a suggestion. - -"The ship's power plant is partly psionic," Ragan said. "I don't -understand the principle, but it's been drilled into us that no -other system can give a one-directional thrust without reaction. The -psi-drive is tied into our minds in the same way it's tied into the -atomic and electronic components. It's part of us and we're part of it." - -Even Maxon, crew authority on the combination drive, missed his meaning -at first. - -"If our atomic shielding fails," Ragan explained, "we're irradiated. -If our psionics bank fails, we may feel anything. Maybe the trouble is -there." - -Privately they disagreed, certain that nothing so disquieting as the -Feeling that weighted them down could be induced even by so cryptic a -marriage of dissimilar principles as made up the ship's power plant. -Still it was a possible avenue of relief. - -"It's worth trying," Maxon said, and they checked. - -And checked, and checked. - - * * * * * - -"We worked for hours," Walraven said, "but nothing came of it. None -of us, even Maxon, knew enough about the psi-drive to be sure, but we -ended up certain that the trouble wasn't there. It was in us." - -The drug was wearing thin, leaving him pale and shaken. His face had a -glisten of sweat under the lowered lights. - -The lead psych man chose a hypodermic needle, looked to Erwin and -Costain for authority, and administered a second injection. - -"You gave up searching," he said. "What then, Lieutenant?" - -"We waited," Walraven said. - -He relaxed, his face smoothing to impersonal detachment as his mind -slipped back to the ship and its crew. Watching, Costain felt a sudden -deep unease as if the man's mind had really winged back through time -and space and carried a part of his own with it. - -"There was only one more possible check," Walraven said. "We had to -wait two days for that." - -The check was Maxon's idea, simple of execution and unarguable of -result. At halfway point acceleration must cease, the ship rotate on -its gyros and deceleration set in. There would be a period of waiting -when the power plant must be shut off completely. - -If the Feeling stemmed from the psi-drive, it would lift then. - -It did not lift. They sat weightless and disoriented while the gyros -precessed and the ship swung end by end and the steady pressure of the -Feeling mounted up and up without relief. - -"It gets worse every hour," Vaughn said raggedly. - -"It's not a matter of time," Maxon said. "It's the distance. The -Feeling grows stronger as we get farther from home." - -They sat for another time without talk, feeling the distance build up -behind them and sensing through the unwindowed hull of the ship what -the emptiness outside must be like. The ship was no longer an armored -projectile bearing them snugly and swiftly to a first planetfall. It -was a walnut shell without strength or direction. - -In the end they talked out their problem because there was nothing else -they could do. - -"We're men," Maxon said, not as if he must convince himself but as if -it were a premise that had to be made, a starting point for all logic. -"We're reasoning creatures. If the trouble lies in ourselves we can -find its source and its reason for being." - -He picked Vaughn first because Vaughn had been first to sense the -wrongness and because the most sensitive link in a chain is also -predictably its weakest. - -"Try," Maxon said. "I know there are no words to describe this thing, -but get as close as you can." - - * * * * * - -Vaughn tried. "It isn't home-sickness. It's a different thing -altogether from nostalgia. It's not just fear. I'm afraid--not of any -_thing_, just afraid in the way a child is afraid of falling in his -dreams, when he's really had no experience with falling because he's -never fallen more than a few inches in his life.... When I think of my -wife, it's not the same at all as if I were just in some far corner of -the Earth with only land and water between us. Even if I were marooned -on an uncharted island somewhere with no hope of seeing home again, I -wouldn't feel this way. There wouldn't be this awful _pulling_." - -Ragan agreed with Vaughn that the Feeling was essentially a _pull_, but -beyond agreement could add nothing. Ragan had covered the world without -forming a tie to hold him; one place was as good as another and he -felt no loss for any particular spot on Earth. - -"I only want to be back there," he said simply. "Anywhere but here." - -"I was born on a farm in New England," Walraven said. "Out of the land, -like my father and his people before him. I'm part of that land, no -matter how far from it I go, because everything I am came from it. I -feel uprooted. I don't belong here." - -_Uprooted_ was the key for which they had hunted. - -Maxon said slowly, "There are wild animals on Earth that can't live -away from their natural homes. Insects--how does a termite feel, cut -off from its hive? Maybe that's our trouble. Something bigger than -individual men made the human race what it is. Maybe we've been a sort -of composite being all along, without knowing it, tied together by the -need of each other and not able to exist apart. Maybe no one knew it -before because no one was ever isolated in the way we are." - -Walraven had more to say, almost defiant in his earnestness. "This is -going to sound wild, but I've been fighting inside myself ever since -Vaughn mentioned being pulled toward home. I have the feeling that if -I'd only let go, I'd be back where I belong." He snapped his fingers, -the sound loud in the room. "Like that." - -No one laughed because each found in himself the same conviction -waiting to be recognized. Ragan said, "Walraven's right. There's no -place on Earth I care for more than another, but I feel I could be back -there in any one of them"--he snapped his fingers, as Walraven had -done--"as quickly as that." - -"I know," Maxon said. "But we can't let go. We were sent out to put -this ship into orbit around Mars. We've got to take her there." - - * * * * * - -Walraven said, "It wasn't easy. The Feeling got worse as we went out -and out. Knowing what it was helped a little, but not enough. We held -onto each other, the four of us, to keep the group together. We _knew_ -what would happen if we let go." - -The head psych man looked to Costain and put his needle away when -Costain shook his head. - -"The ship," Coordinator Erwin said sharply. "Walraven, you did put her -into orbit?" - -"Yes," Walraven said. "We put her into orbit and turned on the -telemetering equipment--they'll be picking up her signals by now--and -then we turned our backs on each other and we let go. There wasn't any -feeling of motion or speed, but I felt a fresh breeze on my face and -when I opened my eyes I was standing beside a familiar stone fence on -a hill above the house where I was born. You haven't told me, but the -others came back, too, didn't they?" - -"All but Ragan," Erwin said. His tone made Costain think wryly, _Even -the military can snatch at straws_. "Maxon and Vaughn called in. But we -haven't heard from Ragan." - -"He wasn't left behind," Walraven said with certainty. "Ragan has no -family, but he has a home. We're standing on it." - -An orderly came in with an envelope for Costain, who opened it and -handed the paper to Erwin. To Walraven, Costain said, "It's a cablegram -from North Ireland. Ragan is back." - -Erwin was still gripping the paper in his hand when he walked with -Costain out of the hospital into the bright airiness of a spring day. -He glared at the warm, blue sky. - -"We'll find a way," Erwin said. "We've proved that we can put men on -Mars. With the right conditioning, we can keep them there." - -"You're a dedicated and resolute man, Coordinator," Costain said. "Do -you really suppose that any amount of conditioning could fit you to do -what those boys failed at?" - -The long moment of considering that passed before Erwin answered left a -fine sheen of sweat on his face. - -"No," Erwin said. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Feeling, by Roger Dee - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FEELING *** - -***** This file should be named 51518.txt or 51518.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/5/1/51518/ - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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