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diff --git a/old/51189-0.txt b/old/51189-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 0f0e8af..0000000 --- a/old/51189-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2657 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Lover's Baedeker and Guide to Arcady, by -Carolyn Wells - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: The Lover's Baedeker and Guide to Arcady - -Author: Carolyn Wells - -Illustrator: A.D. Blashfield - George W. Hood - -Release Date: February 12, 2016 [EBook #51189] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LOVER'S BAEDEKER, GUIDE TO ARCADY *** - - - - -Produced by Mardi Desjardins & the online Distributed -Proofreaders Canada team (http://www.pgdpcanada.net) from -page images generously made available by the HathiTrust -Digital Library (https://www.hathitrust.org/digital_library) -and Google Books. - - - - - -[Illustration: “THE POST-OFFICE IS IN THE HEART OF AN OLD HOLLOW OAK -TREE”] - - * * * * * - - THE LOVER’S BAEDEKER - AND - GUIDE TO ARCADY - - - BY - CAROLYN WELLS - - WITH TWENTY ILLUSTRATIONS AND A COVER - BY A. D. BLASHFIELD AND MAPS BY - GEORGE W. HOOD - -[Illustration] - - NEW YORK - FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY - PUBLISHERS - - - - - _Copyright_, 1912, _by_ - FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY - - * * * * * - - _All rights reserved, including that of translation into foreign_ - _languages, including the Scandinavian_ - -_September, 1912_ - - THE•PLIMPTON•PRESS - [W•D•O] - NORWOOD•MASS•U•S•A - - * * * * * - - THIS GUIDE BOOK - IS DEDICATED - TO ANNA WAITT - A TOURIST - - * * * * * - - CONTENTS - - ARCADY AND ITS ENVIRONS: PAGE - Preliminary Information 1 - - TOPOGRAPHY 4 - - ROUTES 4 - - ROADS OUT OF ARCADY 8 - - SEASON 11 - - CLIMATE 11 - - TIME 11 - _Time’s Valentine_ 15 - - CALENDAR 19 - _The Lay of Lothario Lee_ 21 - - MONEY 24 - - CUSTOM HOUSE 24 - _Cupid’s Failure_ 28 - - HISTORY 29 - _An Arcady Girl_ 31 - _Under a New Charter_ 32 - - ARCADIA 34 - _An Arcadian Lady_ 38 - - ARCADY: - Preliminary Ramble 39 - - FLORA 41 - - THE ARCADIAN LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS 43 - - HOTELS 44 - - RESTAURANTS 45 - - SWEET SHOPS 46 - _Heard in Arcady_ 47 - _Dithyramb by an Arcadian Poet_ 49 - - CONVEYANCES 50 - - SHOPS 54 - _Cupid’s Sale_ 55 - _Cupid’s Bill_ 57 - - INSTITUTIONS AND PUBLIC BUILDINGS: - Places of Interest 58 - Post-Office 58 - The Heart Exchange 61 - _The Intercepted Valentine_ 62 - Banks 62 - The Hospital 62 - The Weather Bureau 65 - The Campo Santo 65 - The Hall of Fame 66 - _Ballade of Arcady_ 67 - - AMUSEMENTS 68 - _The Old Story_ 75 - - LANGUAGE 75 - - SOME ARCADIAN BROMIDIOMS 76 - - EXERCISE FOR THE LANGUAGE STUDENT: - _A Very Pretty Quarrel_ 77 - Degrees of Love 79 - Definitions 79 - _The Spelling Lesson_ 79 - _Love in Arcady_ 80 - _Insensibility_ 81 - _Biographical Sketch of Cupid_ 82 - - POLITICAL NOTES 84 - - ARCADIAN LAWS 84 - - COSTUMES 85 - _Then and Now_ 86 - - WALKS 87 - _Old Valentines_ 91 - - BUSINESS SECTION 93 - - IT HAPPENED IN ARCADY 94 - - CALAMITOUS CATASTROPHE 101 - - ADVERTISEMENTS 103 - _Advertisement_ 113 - - * * * * * - - LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS - -The Post Office is in the heart of an old hollow oak tree Frontispiece - - _Facing page_ -Arcadia (Map) 3 - -Across the Sea of Dreams in a Transport of Rapture 5 - -The troubled waters of the Gulf of Wo 7 - -Mountains of Opposition 8 - -A radiant Goddess beckoning to him 9 - -Many with a greed for lucre will follow the 10 - Goddess of Fortune - -’Tis love that makes the world go round 12 - -The old clock on the stairs 13 - -Sun dials and moon dials are approved as they mark the 17 - bright hours only - -Custom House 25 - -Arcady and its Environs (Map) 35 - -On the water all sorts of boats are used 51 - -Cupid’s Heartware Shop 53 - -The groves and dells are decorated with beautiful statues 59 - -Weather Bureau 63 - -The Mayday Plaisance is a large amusement 69 - -A Serenader 73 - -True lovers’ knots may be bought here 89 - -The blissfully enraptured are conducted to sentimental 107 - spots - -Love proof window screens 114 - -Map of the Town of Arcadia End-leaves - - * * * * * - - THE LOVER’S BAEDEKER AND - GUIDE TO ARCADY - - * * * * * - - - - - ARCADY AND ITS ENVIRONS - - - PRELIMINARY INFORMATION - -Over the hills and far away lies Arcady, the Mecca of all Lovers, and -therefore the place where Journeys End. Situated on a large tract of -enchanted ground, in the Country of Agapemone, Arcady is a beautiful and -interesting place, and should be visited by every tourist making the -Grand Tour of Life. - -Even the shortest sojourn here will yield rich rewards of interest and -pleasure, and will contribute more than long years of study to a -thorough enjoyment and comprehension of all that is best in life. - -The majority of the human race sooner or later find Arcady for -themselves, some seeking it with a steadfast purpose, others blindly -stumbling into it all unexpectedly. - -But to the traveler who would enjoy intelligently its delights, the -following hints may not come amiss. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _ARCADIA_] - - * * * * * - - - - - TOPOGRAPHY - - -The Province of Arcadia, whose capital is Arcady (see map No. 1), is -bounded on the North by the Land of Heart’s Desire, from which it is -separated by the Happy Valley. - -On the East it is bounded by the Gulf of Time, across which dimly may be -seen, in the distance, the Garden of Eden. - -On the West by the Mountains of Opposition, beyond which is the Gulf of -Dark Despair. - -Along the Southern Shores murmur the lapping wavelets of the Sea of -Dreams, whose wonderful phenomenon of Mirage often deceives even an -experienced traveler. - - * * * * * - -ROUTES: Travelers may approach Arcady by several routes. One of the -pleasantest is the Joy Line, by which passengers are carried across the -Sea of Dreams in Transports of Rapture. - -[Illustration: “ACROSS THE SEA OF DREAMS IN TRANSPORTS OF RAPTURE”] - -Another approach, preferred by adventurous ones in search of excitement, -is across the Seas of Misunderstanding, through the troubled waters of -the Gulf of Wo, and over the difficult and well-nigh impassable -Mountains of Opposition. However, when these mountains are safely -crossed the way is delightful and easy. - -[Illustration: “THE TROUBLED WATERS OF THE GULF OF WO”] - -ROADS OUT OF ARCADY: The Road to Fame often leads out of Arcady. An -ambitious youth, hearing a silvery trumpet note, looks up to see a -radiant Goddess beckoning to him. Unless a true Lover, he may be dazzled -by her glory and cajoled by her promises. Lured away, he follows the -fickle Fair and soon loses all interest in Arcadian delights. - -[Illustration] - -The Road to Wealth is another easy way out of Arcady. Not content with -the Pot of Gold at the End of the Rainbow, many with a greed for lucre -will follow the Goddess Fortune, who is even more false and fickle than -the Goddess Fame. - -[Illustration: “A RADIANT GODDESS BECKONING TO HIM”] - -Also there is the Downward Path, which leads from the State of Matrimony -to the Great Divide. Crossing this, the unfortunate traveler returns to -the State of Single Blessedness. - -[Illustration: “MANY WITH A GREED FOR LUCRE WILL FOLLOW THE GODDESS -FORTUNE”] - -SEASON: Arcady is an all-the-year-round resort, and most of the -districts described may be visited at any season of the year. Spring and -Early Summer are perhaps best for an initial visit. - -June is an especially desirable time for young lovers to be in Arcady, -but Lovelorn Swains and Minor Poets frequently choose the melancholy -days of Autumn. - - * * * * * - -CLIMATE: The Climatic conditions of Arcady are peculiar. Though usually -the weather is balmy and pleasant, sometimes a sudden coolness springs -up and a frost is often distinctly felt. A stormy time may ensue, and -then suddenly the clouds clear away and all is sunshine once more. - - * * * * * - -TIME: Time in Arcady is entirely a matter of opinion. To a waiting Lover -the minutes are hours and lag slowly along, while to happy hearts a -golden day flies by as if on wings. - -It is said that Love makes Time pass away, and Time makes Love pass -away; but the latter statement is obviously an error, for after Love has -made Time pass away, how can Time do anything to Love? - -However, ’tis Love that makes the world go round, and this explains why -Love makes Time pass so rapidly. - -[Illustration: “’TIS LOVE THAT MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND”] - -[Illustration: THE OLD CLOCK ON THE STAIRS] - - “FOREVER ——— NEVER - NEVER ———FOREVER” - -Watches are of little use in Arcady, as the Lovers deem them always too -slow or too fast, and usually forget to wind them, anyway. The town -timepiece is the Old Clock on the Stairs, whose refrain is: - - _Forever—Never—_ - _Never—Forever—_ - -Forever and Never are the units of time most employed by Arcadians, and -their meanings are synonymous. - -Time when Lovers are separated is measured by ages; when together, it is -not measured at all, as then the hours unheeded fly, or speed on winged -feet. - -Sun dials and Moon dials are approved, as they mark the bright hours -only. - - - - - TIME’S VALENTINE - - - ’Twas St. Valentine’s Day, and Father Time - Said, “I think I’ll scribble a bit o’ rhyme, - To send to the sweetest maid on earth.” - And the old fellow chuckled in roguish mirth. - He reached for his inkhorn and quill, then said, - As he absently nodded his wise old head, - “But what maiden is gentle and sweet and fine - Enough to be my Valentine? - There’s a musical girl in Kalamazoo,— - But I hear she beats Time, so she won’t do; - There’s a fair New York girl, proud and calm, - But they say she kills Time without a qualm! - A pretty clubwoman I saw one day, - But ‘I won’t have Time,’ I heard her say. - For one of those summer girls I yearn; - But they declare they ‘have Time to burn.’ - There are lovely girls in a Southern clime, - But they sweetly admit that they waste Time, - While the bustling woman, with manners curt, - Takes Time by the forelock, and that does hurt. - On the Boston maiden I make no claim, - To improve Time seems to be her aim. - And I heard an old spinster contriving a plan - Say, ‘I’ll try to get Time as soon as I can.’ - So none of these whom I’ve mentioned yet - A Valentine from Time shall get. - But I’ve in mind a maiden who, - When a fond lover came to woo, - Just blushed and hung down her pretty head, - And ‘Give me Time!’ was all she said. - By Cupid, that’s the maid for me! - To her my Valentine shall be.” - -[Illustration: “SUN DIALS AND MOON DIALS ARE APPROVED, AS THEY MARK THE -BRIGHT HOURS ONLY”] - - * * * * * - -CALENDAR: The Arcadian Calendar is entirely made up of Red-Letter Days. - -In the Spring the Young Man’s Fancy follows the vernal tradition. - -The Summer is entirely given over to the Summer Girl’s flirtations. - -In the Autumn a delicious Melancholy is in the air and Arcadians -experience - - A feeling of sadness and longing - That is not akin to wo; - And resembles sorrow only - As a Poet resembles a Poe. - -In Winter come the Halcyon Days, and all are glad and merry and Life is -one grand, sweet song and dance. - -Many Fête Days are observed. - -Christmas receives due consideration, but St. Valentine’s Day and All -Hallowe’en are even more widely celebrated in Arcady. - -April First, or All Fools’ Day, is not specially observed, except in -Fool’s Paradise, where it is April Fools’ Day all the year round. - -Midsummer Eve and the Eve of St. Agnes are dear to Lovers, and as every -day is Somebody’s Birthday, there are celebrations continually. Mayday, -too, is a pleasant occasion, and on that day there are May-parties all -over the place, for Arcady is a Land where it is always Saturday -Afternoon. - - - - - THE LAY OF LOTHARIO LEE - - - Lothario Lee was saddened, the world seemed grim and gray; - For Lothario Lee was a lover bold, and today was St. Valentine’s Day. - - ’Twas St. Valentine’s Day, and he fain would send his heart to the fair - Florelle, - For the radiant maid had inspired in his breast a passion he could not - quell. - - But alas! for the gay Lothario, his heart was held in fee - Down at Dan Cupid’s pawnshop, at the sign of the roses three. - - Willingly would the lovelorn knight that errant heart reclaim, - But alas! the luckless Lothario hadn’t a cent to his name. - - So he sadly sat and pondered, as doleful as he could be; - When a brilliant notion struck him—“Done!” cried Lothario Lee. - - “I’ll send her the pawnshop ticket, my tale of wo ’twill tell, - For she alone can redeem my heart—the rich and rare Florelle.” - - He sent her the tell-tale ticket, he scribbled a hasty line, - Bidding her call at Dan Cupid’s shop and claim her valentine. - - And as she read the message, in the soul of the fair Florelle - A joyful thought rang merrily, like a far-away marriage bell. - - With her heart in a frantic flutter, adown the street sped she, - Till she reached Dan Cupid’s pawnshop, at the sign of the roses three. - - Cupid sat at a work-bench, mending a broken dart; - “I am Florelle,” said she, “and I come to claim Lothario’s heart. - - “Here is the ticket, Cupid; what are the ransom fees? - See, I will pay you the money; give me the heart, if you please.” - - “But I am blind,” said Cupid, “I cannot see the name; - Describe the heart you are looking for, and so make good your claim.” - - “Lothario’s heart,” said the lady, “is brave and knows no fear.” - “Alas!” said Cupid, dejectedly, “no such heart is here.” - - “His heart,” said the lady, further, “is honest, and good, and true.” - “No,” said Dan Cupid, wofully, “not one of these hearts will do.” - - “His heart to me is single, it beats for me alone.” - “Come, come,” cried Cupid, “impossible! Such hearts I’ve never known. - - “The best in my collection has been mended once or twice, - But here’s a heart that may suit you, if you’re willing to pay the - price. - - “It’s a heart that is sad and lonely, a trifle hard and cold, - It seems to be rather scarred and worn—in fact, it’s getting old. - - “It’s somewhat fickle and jealous, a bit impatient, too; - And it’s branded with several maidens’ names—Coralie, Rose, and Loo.” - - “Why, that’s the very heart I want,” said the lady, “give it to me; - That’s the one I’ve been describing to you, the heart of Lothario Lee.” - - As she left the shop in triumph, said Cupid, “I seem to find - Each day a more convincing fact to prove that Love is blind.” - - * * * * * - -MONEY: Money is of little use in Arcady. Those who are rich spend their -money lavishly, but the poor get along just as well, and often better. - -The principal coins of the Realm are the Lucky Penny and the Last Red -Cent. - -Credit can always be had at the Arcadian Shops, and is extended as often -as desired. - - * * * * * - -CUSTOM HOUSE: Hearts, especially if inflammable, are dutiable articles, -and should be declared as such. - -Worn on the sleeve, they are easily examined by the Inspector, though a -dishonest smuggler has sometimes gone ashore with his heart in his -boots. - -Hearts are appraised by weight, so heavy hearts should be avoided and -light hearts should be carried whenever possible. - -Broken hearts are not dutiable, unless they have been repaired and are -quite as good as new. - -[Illustration: CUSTOM HOUSE - “PASSIONS SHOULD ALWAYS BE DECLARED”] - -Stolen hearts may be confiscated by the Customs Inspectors and returned -to their original owners. Stony hearts are exempt. - -Passions should always be declared. - -Keepsakes and souvenirs are not dutiable and need not be shown. - - - - - CUPID’S FAILURE - - - Cupid, one day, in idle quest, - Fitted a dainty dart - And aimed it at Priscilla’s breast, - To strike Priscilla’s heart. - - Clean through it went, no heart was there; - Said Cupid, “I believe - Priscilla’s just the girl to wear - Her heart upon her sleeve.” - - But there, alack! it was not found; - “Aha!” cried Cupid, “note - Her frightened air; now I’ll be bound - Her heart is in her throat.” - - Failure again. On slender chance - He one more arrow shoots; - Assuming from her downcast glance, - Her heart is in her boots. - - Foiled, Cupid threw aside his bow; - “She has no heart,” said he. - (He did not know that long ago - She gave her heart to me.) - - - - - HISTORY - - -The early history of Arcady is lost in the mists of ancient tradition. -Looking backward through the reversed Opera Glass of Time, we see that -it was originally settled by Adam and Eve. Since then it has been -peopled by lovers of every age, sex, and condition of servitude. - -These people are usually gentle and mild-mannered, though occasionally -given to angry or quarrelsome outbreaks caused by jealousy or -misunderstanding. These outbreaks, however, are indulged in mostly for -the pleasure of kissing and making up afterward, and forgiveness is one -of their chief characteristics. - -The Arcadians are not gregarious, but go about in couples, or sit -solitary and alone, wrapt in rapt thought. - -The male population is divided into Lovers, Poets, and Lunatics. There -are various types of Lovers—those that sigh like a furnace, those that -are pale and wan, and Swains. - -Swains are usually Rustic or Lovelorn. - -Feminine Arcadians are called Queens, Goddesses, Angels, and other -titles of incredible foolishness. - -In physical appearance dwellers in Arcady are beautiful beyond all -words. The women have eyes as stars of twilight fair, faces with gardens -in, lily hands, amber-dropping hair, and feet like little mice. - -The men are handsome as Apollos; of heroic size and Chesterfieldian -manners. - -The above-mentioned qualities, though not always apparent to the -disinterested observer, are realized and insisted upon by the Lovers -themselves. - -Oftenest the Citizens of Arcady are transients and come and go as -circumstances decree, but in some rare instances a happy pair spend -their whole life in Arcady, or wander through the Happy Valley and make -their home in the Land of Heart’s Desire. - - - - - AN ARCADY GIRL - - - His gold beams a-spinning, I asked of the sun - If he ever had any to spare; - “Only once,” he replied, “too many I spun, - And I gave them to Peggy for hair.” - - I asked of the sky if his stars were all right, - Or if he had over-supplies; - He said, “I had two which were rather too bright, - So I gave them to Peggy for eyes.” - - I asked of some fays who were cutting out flowers - If they had any remnants or snips; - They said: “We had scraps of these poppies of ours, - But we gave them to Peggy for lips.” - - I said to the rain, “What becomes of the drops - That you may not have used when it clears?” - He said, “If there are any left when it stops, - I’ll give them to Peggy for tears.” - - I artfully coaxed him to spill them all out, - And scatter them over the miles, - And that is the reason, I haven’t a doubt, - That Peg’s always dimpling with smiles. - - - - - UNDER A NEW CHARTER - - - Hello! Come in! I called you, Cupid, - To take this box. Handle with care! - Look out! don’t be so careless, Stupid; - I’d have you know my heart’s in there. - - Take it at once, boy, to Miss Kitty, - And say it is a valentine. - How happy she’ll look, and how pretty, - When she discovers it is mine! - - Tell her for her my heart is yearning, - And then, unless my judgment errs, - By the same messenger returning - I rather think she’ll send me hers. - - What, Cupid, are you back already? - And bringing me Miss Kitty’s heart? - Open it quickly! Stay, be steady! - What’s this? A neatly printed chart! - - “No spaces left at my disposal— - Possibly some vacated soon; - But I have filed your kind proposal. - Come up and call some afternoon.” - - And here her heart is designated— - What seas of dreams! what flowery isles! - The boundaries all distinctly stated, - And measured by a scale of smiles. - - A large tract’s given to her poodle; - A smaller one contains her cat; - Here is the claim of Lord Fitznoodle; - Here her expensive picture-hat. - - Here I observe her mother’s quarters; - This large compartment is her dad’s; - Here Revolutionary Daughters, - And here her clubs and freaks and fads. - - Here is enshrined her baby cousin, - And here that Count with whom she flirts; - Here are male tenants by the dozen - (They’re only friends, so she asserts). - - This corner’s occupied by Irving, - This by her pearl and turquoise pin; - Although I know I am deserving, - I don’t see how I can get in. - - - - - ARCADIA - - -The province of Arcadia proper, the country between the Sea of Dreams -and the Land of Heart’s Desire (see map No. 2), is a large district with -well-defined boundaries. - -The natural scenery is delightful, being chiefly made up of flowery -meads and sylvan dells threaded by murmuring or babbling brooks. - -The River Lethe flows through the country, at one point dashing over a -precipice in a great Cataract. This is known as Lover’s Leap and is, at -times, the scene of fearful tragedies. - -Despairing Swains threaten to end their lives by dashing into the -seething waters, unless their capricious sweethearts will smile on them. - -As the sweethearts usually smile, death rarely, if ever, ensues. - -Near the middle of the Country of Arcadia is its capital, the town of -Arcady, which is described elsewhere. - -Toward the Northwest lies Lotus Land, the land where it is always -afternoon, where the charmed sunset lingers low adown in the red West. - -[Illustration: LAND OF HEARTS DESIRE—ARCADY and its Environs] - -The inhabitants are the mild-eyed, melancholy Lotus-Eaters, whose cult -is Indolence set to Music. - -The mossy banks of Lotus Land slope down to the River Lethe, and propt -on beds of amaranth and moly the Lotus-Eaters delight to watch the long -bright river drawing slowly and hear the dewy echoes calling and watch -the emerald color’d water falling, and things like that. - -Across the river from Lotus Land lies the Garden of the Hesperides. -These enterprising maidens do a brisk trade in Golden Apples, but this -district must not be confounded with the Garden of Eden, as they are not -the same. - -Going southward, following the shores of the Gulf of Time, we come to -the Land of Yesterday—and further South to Never Never Land. These are -beautiful and attractive spots much sought by Lovers of retrospective -and imaginative tendencies. - -On the West side of the river, just South of Lotus Land, lies -Wanderland, and nearby are the Elysian Fields. These districts are -usually thronged with Lovers sauntering about in pairs, each couple -being entirely oblivious of all the others. - -Further South we come to Dangerous Ground, which slopes down to Lover’s -Leap. Near here is Fool’s Paradise. This is a popular spot and often -most delicious adventures may be met here. The dwellers in Fool’s -Paradise are absurdly happy, and sometimes climb a small eminence in the -center of the place, known as the Height of Folly. - -To the West is a range of Blue Mountains. The despairing swain often -climbs these, but when he reaches Mount Hope the world looks brighter -and he soon gets back to the Happy Valley. - - - - - AN ARCADIAN LADY - - - MY LADY OF DELIGHT - - With roguish glances bright, - All on a summer’s day, - My Lady of Delight - She stole my heart away. - And though I humbly beg - And plead with her, alack! - My Lady of Delight - She will not give it back. - - Oh, Lady of Delight, - The penalty is this— - If you would keep the heart you stole - Then pay me with a kiss. - - My Lady of Delight, - She is a winsome thing; - She’s Queen of Summertime - And Princess of the Spring. - The glory of her smile, - The sunshine in her eyes, - Is like the dawn of breaking day - Across the morning skies. - - To linger by her side - Is such delicious bliss, - Methinks I’ll steal her heart from her, - And pay her with a kiss. - - - - - ARCADY - - -Arcady, the capital and chief city of the province of Arcadia, is a -thickly settled town, with delightful outlying districts and suburban -surroundings. - - * * * * * - -PRELIMINARY RAMBLE: The stranger visiting Arcady for the first time -cannot do better than to begin by a walk down Lovers’ Lane, where he -must surely be impressed by the shady trees and luxuriantly blooming -flowers. Although sometimes flooded with morning sunshine, it is usually -evening in Arcady. The moon shines always, sometimes a Honeymoon glows -brightly, and there are generally stars, or perhaps a tender twilight -with a fading sunset. On each side of the lane are the small houses of -the Love-in-a-Cottage Colony. These cottages are rose-embowered and have -white dimity curtains tied with blue ribbons. Crossing Lovers’ Lane at -right angles is Primrose Path, the fashionable street of Arcady. The -dwellings here are air castles (mostly of Spanish architecture) and -dreams of marble halls. One of the most celebrated mansions is Claude -Melnotte’s: - - A palace lifting to eternal summer - Its marble walls, from out a glossy bower - Of coolest foliage musical with birds, - . . . while the perfumed light - Stole through the mists of alabaster lamps, - And every air was heavy with the sighs - Of orange groves and music from sweet lutes, - And murmurs of low fountains that gush forth - I’ the midst of roses! - -Farther on a shaft of moonlight falls on Juliet’s balcony, and beyond -rise the towers and turrets of the Castle of La Joyeuse Garde. Primrose -Path leads to Fool’s Paradise, but turning off to the West the traveler -may stroll through Paradise Alley to the Elysian Fields. This beautiful -spot is always fanned by south winds, and among its flowery arbors may -be heard the songs of larks, nightingales, and turtle doves. Beyond lies -the Forest of Arden. Here sturdy oaks covered with clinging vines -abound; but the tree most frequently seen is the Trysting Tree. These -trees are interesting to visitors because of the symbols carved on their -bark. Here one may notice the entwined initials of Aucassin and -Nicolette; there the true lover’s knot of Orpheus and Eurydice, or the -overlapping hearts of Abelard and Heloise. Crossing a stile we wander by -the brookside, or pause for a while at the old Ruined Mill to count the -Shooting Stars. - - - - - FLORA - - -The flowers in Arcady are perennial and bloom all the year round. There -are roses for every stage of the game, from the blush rose to the Bride -Rose. There are moss roses for those who love old-fashioned flowers, and -the Last Rose of Summer is a variety much admired by Romanticists. There -are many old-fashioned gardens in Arcady, and here may be seen Bleeding -Hearts, Forget-me-nots, Love-Lies-Bleeding, Pansies for Thoughts, and -Rosemary for Remembrance. There is also Heartsease and Rue. There are -lanes of lilacs and orchards of apple bloom. There are daisy fields and -groves of orange trees in blossom. Wild flowers grow everywhere and -mistletoe is indigenous. In the flower-shops may be bought orchids or -violets in wealthy effects. In the Souvenir Shops one may find pressed -or dried flowers, and these are much in demand. Poppies grow wild along -the banks of the Lethe River, and the moon-flower flourishes in many -gardens. - - - THE ARCADIAN LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS - - ASTERS—I am very wealthy. - STOCK—I have been successful in Wall Street. - PHLOX—I shear lambs. - RUBBER PLANT—I love to look at you. - DAISY—You’re it. - BURR—I’m stuck on you. - OYSTER PLANT—Will you dine with me? - MINT—Do you live in Philadelphia? - ANISE—Cordially yours. - COSMOS—You’re all the world to me. - MARIGOLD—I mean business. - POPPY—May I speak to your father? - ORCHIDS—I am extravagant. - PALM—Will you accept my hand? - TUBEROSES—May you die soon. - BLUEBELL—I will telephone you. - MOCK ORANGE BLOSSOMS—I am only flirting with you. - MOON FLOWERS—I’m just crazy about you. - BOX—Will you go to the opera with me? - - - - - HOTELS - - -The hotels in Arcady are excellent, with large and well-kept gardens, -rose-embowered lawns, ivy-hung turrets, and all requirements of Romance. - -In the interior of the town is Halcyon Hall, owned by the Lovemore -Company. This is a new and sumptuous hotel, fitted up with a careful -attention to detail, which combines eighteenth-century romance with -nineteenth-century convenience. Among its advantages over the older -hostelries are: - -An Express Elevator to the Seventh Heaven, and a Dream Interpreter Call -and United States Valentine Chute on every floor. It is also lighted by -an Automatic Electric Moon. - -Other important hotels are Orchid Court, Honeymoon Hall, and Violet -Villa. - -The Grand Union is an old and well-known hotel for married lovers. Less -pretentious hostelries are the bijou Villa Beaubelle, Starlight Cottage, -and Cupid’s Court. - -There are many Inns, both quaint and interesting. Their swinging -sign-boards announce such appropriate appellations as “Arms and the -Man,” “The Moon and I,” or “The World is Mine.” - -The St. Valentine Apartment House, situated on Good Times Square, is a -residential building of the first class. - - * * * * * - -RESTAURANTS: These institutions are not specially popular in Arcady, as -the inhabitants rarely have large appetites. Indeed, waiters often set -artificial viands before their patrons, and the difference is not -observed. - -Guests are always overcharged, as the true Lover has no thought of what -he is paying and settles any bill without a murmur. - -A very popular table d’hôte service consists of Bread and Cheese and -Kisses, and the partakers thereof drink to each other only with their -eyes and leave a kiss in the cup, so that wine is never asked for. - - * * * * * - -SWEET SHOPS: These shops are well patronized and their wares include -nectar, honey, angel-cakes, taffy, kisses, and sweets of all sorts. -Orders are filled also for wedding-cakes, and very soft drinks are -served in loving-cups. - - - - - HEARD IN ARCADY - - - MUSIC IN THE GRASS - - - I - - In the summer of the summer, when the hazy air is sweet - With the breath of crimson clover, and the day’s a-shine with heat, - When the sky is blue and burning and the clouds a downy mass, - When the breeze is idly dawdling, there is music in the grass— - Just a thistly, whistly sound - In the tangles near the ground; - And the flitting fairies often stop to listen as they pass. - Just a lisping, whisp’ring tune, - Like a bumblebee’s bassoon, - In a far-away fantasia, is the music in the grass. - - - II - - Would you know what makes the music? On each slender, quivering blade - There are notes and chords and phrases by the bees and crickets - played; - And the grasshoppers and locusts strive each other to surpass - In their brave interpretation of the music in the grass. - By the roguish breezes tossed - You might think it would get lost, - But the careful fairies guard it, watching closely as they pass. - So on every summer day, - Sounding faint and far away, - Is the mystic, murmuring marvel of the music in the grass. - - - - - DITHYRAMB BY AN ARCADIAN POET - - -TO A MILKMAID IN ARCADY - -I hail thee, O Milkmaid! -Goddess of the gaudy morn, Hail! -Across the mead tripping, -Invariably across the mead tripping, -The merry mead with cowslips blooming, -With daisies blooming, -The Milkmaid also more or less blooming! -I hail thee, O Milkmaid! -I recognize the value of thy pail in literature and art. -What were a pastoral poet without thee? -Oh, I know thee, Milkmaid! -I hail thy jaunty juvenescence. -I know thy eighteen summers and thy eternal springs. -Ay, I know thy trials! -I know how thou art outspread over pastoral poetry. -Rampant, ubiquitous, inevitable, thy riotings in pastoral poetry. -And in masterpieces of pastoral art! -How oft have I seen thee sitting; -On a tri-legged stool sitting; -On the wrong side of the cow sitting; -Garbed in all thy preposterous paraphernalia. -I know thy paraphernalia— -Yea, even thy impossible milkpail and thy improbable bodice. -Short-skirted Siren! -Big-hatted Beauty! -What were the gentle spring without thee? -I hail thee! -I hail thy vernality, and I rejoice in thy hackneyed ubiquitousness. -I hail the superiority of thy inferiorness, and -I lay at thy feet this garland of gratuitous -Hails! - -[Illustration: “ON THE WATER ALL SORTS OF BOATS ARE USED”] - - - - - CONVEYANCES - - -Arcady is oftenest traversed on foot, as Lovers would rather stroll -together through the beautiful country than to ride, and many of them -walk on air. But, if desired, any vehicle for two may be obtained at the -Livery Stables. Old-fashioned sidebar buggies and hansom cabs are much -in demand, and some swains still enjoy a bicycle built for two. - -On the water all sorts of boats are used. On moonlight nights and balmy -afternoons, and also in the radiant glow of the early morning, the lakes -and streams are dotted with Shallops, Cockle-Shells, or Gondolas, in -which loving pairs are idly drifting. - -Also, at the Livery Stables, palfreys may be engaged for eloping -purposes, or chargers may be hired by the Lover of medieval tastes, and -rope ladders are sold or rented for these occasions. - -[Illustration: CUPID’S HEARTWARE SHOP] - - - - - SHOPS - - -The Arcadian shops offer delightful wares to a doting Lover. -Flower-markets and candy-shops show tempting display windows, and -book-stalls can supply presentation editions of all the love-lore ever -written from Sappho to the present day. The jewel-shops are marvels of -splendor, and the Arcady arcades and bazaars show love-tokens and -souvenirs of all sorts. An interesting place to visit is Dan Cupid’s -Heartware shop, where charms, love-philters, and true-love knots are for -sale. There is also a repairing department, where broken hearts are -mended and made as good as new. Here hearts may be repaired while you -wait. - - CUPID’S SALE - - Amid their annual display - Of roses, doves, and darts, - Cupid and Co. announce today - A Bargain Sale of Hearts. - - Ho, luckless suitor lachrymose, - Ho, lacklove lovelorn swain, - Gallants rejected and morose, - Hearts you may here obtain. - - Rare specimens that must be sold, - One that is pure and true; - One, an antique, exceeding old, - But quite as good as new. - - And as we know there’ll be a crowd - Before the day is done, - No single buyer is allowed - To purchase more than one. - - A man might find ’mong broken hearts - A fitting mate for his; - Dan Cupid mends with skilful arts - And sells them cheap “as is.” - - Then as you take your walks abroad, - Ho, all ye lovers, stop! - And view these bargains which we laud - At Cupid’s Heartware Shop. - -The gloveshop is a popular emporium, for gloves are so often given or -confiscated, for souvenirs, that they must be continually replaced. - -Mittens, also used as gifts, are for sale here. - -In the bookshops the best selling titles are “How to Make Love and How -to Keep It,” “Sonnets from the Portuguese,” “The Lover’s Lexicon.” - - CUPID’S BILL - - One summer day, poor little Cupid - Sat sadly poring o’er his slate. - “I fear I must be very stupid,” - He said, and shook his curly pate. - - And then he ran away to Venus. - “Dear mother, help me! if you will, - I’m sure,” he cried, “that we between us - Can straighten out Sir Strephon’s bill.” - - Said Venus, “Just as I expected! - You always do make such a fuss - With bills!” But soon it was corrected, - And the account was rendered thus: - - Sir Strephon— - To Dan Cupid, Dr., - To shooting at six maidens’ hearts. - To making one blue silken fetter. - To half a dozen blunted darts. - - To seven arrows, lost or broken. - To one heart by a blunder hit. - To one new bow. To one love-token. - Terms cash. No credit. Please remit. - - “Hasten,” cried Venus, “do not tarry! - Today is Strephon’s wedding-day. - Unless he settle e’er he marry, - Cupid may whistle for his pay.” - -[Illustration: “THE GROVES AND DELLS ARE DECORATED WITH BEAUTIFUL -STATUES”] - - - - - INSTITUTIONS AND PUBLIC BUILDINGS - - -PLACES OF INTEREST: A walk or drive round Arcady will reveal many points -of interest to the traveler. The groves and dells are decorated with -beautiful statues, among which may be noticed Venus, Eros, Psyche, -Adonis, Lothario, Dulcinea, Byron, Mrs. Browning, and lovers of all -times and ages. - -Around the corner there is a little church with a chime of wedding -bells. - - * * * * * - -POST-OFFICE: The post-office is in the heart of an old hollow oak tree -at the corner of Lovers’ Lane and Great Joy Street. It is always much -used, but on St. Valentine’s Day the accommodations are quite -inadequate. - -HEART EXCHANGE: The Heart Exchange is a time-honored institution, and a -circulating library of hearts is patronized by summer girls and college -youths. The Poet’s Corner (corner of Grub Street and Maiden Lane) is -always a crowded spot, and the Photograph Galleries are well patronized. - - THE INTERCEPTED VALENTINE - - Little Bo-peep, will you be mine? - I want you for my Valentine. - You are my choice of all the girls, - With your blushing cheeks and your fluttering curls, - With your ribbons gay and your kirtle neat, - None other is so fair and sweet. - Little Bo-peep, let’s run away, - And marry each other on Midsummer Day; - And ever to you I’ll be fond and true. - Your faithful Valentine, - Little Boy Blue. - - * * * * * - -BANKS: There are many banks. One of the best known is the bank on which -the wild thyme grows, and another almost equally noted is the bank on -which the moonlight slept so sweetly in Jessica’s time. - -There is a Rainy-Day Bank, much patronized by thrifty young Lovers. - -Every day is Bank Holiday in Arcady. - - * * * * * - -THE HOSPITAL: The hospital is a fine up-to-date building, for the -benefit of lovesick swains. It is situated on the corner of Heartbreak -Avenue and Despair Street, and is in charge of skilled medical men and -well-trained nurses. - -Special wards are provided for the moonstruck, and padded cells for -Swains suffering from Love’s delirium, or those frantic Lovers who have -been bitten by the Green-Eyed Monster. - -Emergency Specialists provide first aid to the smitten, and Anatomical -Experts attend those who have had their heads turned, or who have fallen -over head and ears in love; while clever Oculists look after those whom -Love has made blind, or whose eyes are in a fine frenzy rolling. - - * * * * * - -THE WEATHER BUREAU: The weather bureau in Arcady is a most unreliable -affair. - -If a frown cloud his lady’s face, the sign to the Lover is: “Fair and -Slightly Cooler.” - -If he fail in any attention she expected, the sign may be read: “About -this time expect a frost.” - -[Illustration: WEATHER BUREAU -“FAIR AND SLIGHTLY COOLER”] - - * * * * * - -THE CAMPO SANTO: The Campo Santo is a most romantic and enjoyable spot. -From earliest times it has been the habit of Lovers to wander through a -graveyard—and the cemetery in Arcady so abounds in romantic memories -that it is an Elysium in itself. The graves are kept green of such -historic lovers as Paris and Helen, Paolo and Francesca, Hero and -Leander; while the monument of Romeo and Juliet is a veritable shrine -and is always decked with fresh flowers. - - * * * * * - -THE HALL OF FAME: Arcady never tires of honoring the memory of her -eminent citizens. - -Aside from the tombstones in the Campo Santo and the statues in the -Public Gardens, there are Monuments in the Hall of Fame that again -perpetuate the memory of departed Heroes and Heroines of Romance. - -A tablet in bas-relief shows the despairing Huguenot Lovers, while next -it stands a sculptured group of “Darby and Joan.” - -The lovely Pastoral Work, “Corydon and Phyllis,” is opposite the equally -charming piece, “Strephon and Chloe.” - -Fair Margaret and Sweet William sleep in effigy, and noted Lovers of all -climes and ages are represented. - - - - - BALLADE OF ARCADY - - - Oh, Life sings in a joyous strain - When Cupid holds our hearts in fee; - The days such happiness contain, - The nights bring merry revelry. - Our souls are tuned to highest key, - Our hearts from joy know not surcease;— - Yet this one truth comes home to me, - The dearest gift of Love is Peace. - - When many roguish smiles enchain, - When many voices chime in glee, - An interest in them all I feign, - And each the fairest seems to be. - But one I seek all earnestly, - As Jason sought the Golden Fleece, - Whose heart would fain agree with me, - The dearest gift of Love is Peace. - - My fond quest has not been in vain, - Shyly she listened to my plea; - And Cupid, peeping at us twain, - Smiled as I knelt on bended knee. - From gay enchantments now I’m free, - I feel their trifling charms decrease, - From all their blandishments I flee, - The dearest gift of Love is Peace. - - L’ENVOI - - Sweetheart, we’ve done with coquetry, - With coy flirtation and caprice; - All these are past,—and now we see - The dearest gift of Love is Peace. - - - - - AMUSEMENTS - - -The Mayday Plaisance is a large Amusement Park situated on Good Times -Square. - -This is frequented by light-hearted and frivolous-minded young -Arcadians, who enjoy the amusements provided. - - * * * * * - -There is a Captive Aeroplane in the Seventh Heaven, which makes flights -every half-hour. The stay in the Seventh Heaven is necessarily short, -but enthusiastic Lovers go often. - - * * * * * - -The Descent Into the Inferno is another diversion, patronized by intense -or quick-tempered pairs. - -[Illustration: “THE MAYDAY PLAISANCE IS A LARGE AMUSEMENT PARK”] - -The Well of Truth is an interesting feature. - -Looking down into its crystal-clear depths, Lovers learn the truth about -each other. This often causes much merriment, or the reverse. (On the -whole it is a dangerous pastime.) - - * * * * * - -Joy Rides are usually clandestine and secret. They often end -disastrously, but this is part of the fun. Any vehicle may be used and -any speed maintained. Oftenest it is a slow, merely moving crawl, but -again it may be a break-neck dash. Joy Rides have been popular in Arcady -for many centuries. Some have been immortalized in Song and Story. -Robert Browning’s “Last Ride Together” is a stirring tale of a Joy Ride. -See also “The Ride of Lochinvar” and “The Young Lady of Niger.” - - * * * * * - -Bands of Serenaders are often heard in the Mayday Plaisance. These are -of troubadour effect and sing sad or tender love songs to the -accompaniment of such instruments as lutes, guitars, bassoons, etc. The -audience (in pairs) are ensconced in vine-hung balconies and thus enjoy -the appropriate music. - -Dreamland is a part of the Mayday Plaisance, and here young lovers may -indulge in fairest Day-dreams. - -Dream Interpreters are here, who are skilled in interpreting Love’s -Young Dream. - -One may choose to have a Midsummer-Night’s Dream, or he may dream that -he dwelt in Marble Halls, and, if waking is a pain, he may dream again. -Or, if Love’s Dream is o’er, he may ask to have a change come o’er the -spirit of his Dream. - - * * * * * - -Another diversion is the Illusion known as the Bridal Veil. This fools -many. - -[Illustration: A SERENADER] - - THE OLD STORY - - Tonight I met Rose, - So it’s all up with Polly. - She bewitches the beaux, - And tonight I met Rose; - Now who would suppose - _I’d_ be caught by such folly? - But tonight I met Rose, - So it’s all up with Polly. - - - - - LANGUAGE - - -For those who wish to derive the greatest possible pleasure from a visit -to Arcady, some acquaintance with the Language of Love is indispensable. -This can best be acquired by a careful study of poetry and romantic -novels, and about four hours’ practise every day. (“The Lover’s Phrase -Book” is a useful little treatise, as it gives four thousand terms of -endearment, alphabetically arranged, and is small enough to be carried -in the pocket, for ready reference, in case of love at first sight.) - -The Language of Love is largely composed of adjectives and expletives. - -Hyperbole and other flowery figures of speech abound. - -It is also peculiarly rich in idioms, most of which are generally -unintelligible, being made up by those who use them. - - * * * * * - -The beginner usually thus learns the first principles of conjugation. - -First Person, I love. This is a joy and a revelation and he is the -happiest man on earth. - -Second Person, Thou lovest. This completes his rapture and he is in -Heaven. - -Third Person, He loves. This is known as the Tertium Quid and casts the -beginner into the depths of Hades. - - - - - SOME ARCADIAN BROMIDIOMS - - -“When did you first begin to love me?” - -“Do you love me as much as ever?” - -“You don’t love me any more.” - -“I never loved any girl but you.” - -“Oh, I thought I loved him, but now I know it wasn’t really love.” - -“They think they’re happy, but they don’t know what love means,—as we -do.” - -“Do you really think I’m pretty?” - -“I don’t see why you love me.” - -“Nobody in all the world ever loved as we do.” - -“How did you come to love me in the first place?” - -“Would you forgive me anything?” - - - - - EXERCISE FOR THE LANGUAGE STUDENT - - - A VERY PRETTY QUARREL - - HE—Tell me you love me, pretty poppet - SHE—I love you more than you love me! - HE—Oh, no! Excuse me, my own moppet; - But truly, sweet, that cannot be! - - SHE—What cannot be? - HE— That you _could_ love me - More or as much as I love you. - SHE—Ah, so you set yourself above me? - - HE—No, no! not that! - SHE— Oh, yes, you do! - - HE—Now do be reasonable, dearie. - SHE— I will be, sir, if you’ll allow - I love you best. - HE— You make me weary! - SHE—Well, just admit it, anyhow. - - HE—I won’t! - SHE— If you _did_ love me best, dear, - You’d say whatever I might ask, - _Because_ I ask it. - HE— Chuck the rest, dear; - You’ve set me now an easy task. - - SHE—I love you best! Is not that so, love? - HE— It is; and thus we meet the test - I say what you command, you know, love, - Only because _I_ love _you_ best! - - SHE—You horrid thing! - HE— Why, what now, Janet? - I said just what you asked me to! - SHE—You’re mean and cruel! - HE— You began it! - SHE— I didn’t! You did! - HE— No; ’twas you! - - HE—Come, dearie, stop this silly snarling; - You _do_ love most, I spoke in jest; - SHE—No, no, _your_ love is greatest, darling; - HE— No, my sweetheart, _you_ love _me_ best! - - (_Repeat ad lib. D. C. al fine_) - - - - - DEGREES OF LOVE - - - Positive: My Own! - Comparative: My Owner! - Superlative: My Ownest! - - - - - DEFINITIONS - - - Forever: until tomorrow. - Never: until tomorrow. - Yes: no. - No: yes. - Keepsake: any worthless piece of property. - Absence: a heart stimulant. - Alone: (for one) misery. - Alone: (for two) joy. - X X X: kisses. - o o o: kisses. - - - - - THE SPELLING LESSON - - - When Venus said: “Spell _no_ for me,” - “N-O,” Dan Cupid wrote with glee, - And smiled at his success; - - “Ah, child,” said Venus, laughing low, - “We women do not spell it so, - We spell it Y-E-S.” - - - - - LOVE IN ARCADY - - - What to us is time or space, - Hours of absence, days of grace; - As we rule and reign alone - In a kingdom of our own? - Love like ours is up to date, - Sneers at fortune, conquers Fate; - Makes the loves of early times - Look like three bright, shiny dimes. - Couldn’t we give cards and spades - To historic lovers’ shades! - Easily our love can beat - That of Faust and Marguerite. - Heloise and Abelard - Stooped to tricks that we’d discard; - Orpheus and Eurydice - Only knew a simple way; - Launcelot and Guinevere - Wondering would our love-songs hear, - And a few things we might show - Juliet and Romeo. - Hero we’d give pointers to, - Teach Leander how to woo. - I could coach Semiramis, - Trojan Helen teach to kiss. - You’d teach Dante and Petrarch, - Distance Cleopatra’s Mark. - Oh, the loves of bygone days - Were not up to modern ways! - - - - - INSENSIBILITY - - - They tell me that the day is fair, - With blossoms springing everywhere; - I do not know, I cannot say, - For thou, my love, art far away. - - They tell me that the birds sing sweet, - That brooklets ripple at my feet; - I do not know, I cannot hear, - For thou, my love, art nowhere near. - - They tell me that the sky is blue, - The hills take on a purple hue; - I do not know, I cannot see, - For thou, my love, art not with me. - - - - - BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF CUPID - - - Ever so many years ago, - When Cupid was quite young, you know, - There were no schools at all, and so, - Athirst for information, - Each day the funny little chap - Would climb up in Dame Venus’ lap, - And study from a book or map - To get his education. - - He traced in his Geography - The Primrose Path to Arcady; - He bounded Agapemone, - And Flowery Fields Elysian. - Then, his Arithmetic begun, - He learned that one and one make one, - That one from two leaves simply none, - And Love abhors division. - - From Botany he learned to know - The value of the mistletoe, - And why a rose is cherished so, - Even when it is faded. - Rhetoric taught him how to say - Fair speeches in a pretty way; - And if a lass should murmur “Nay,” - How she must be persuaded. - - On History’s thrilling page he met - With Romeo and Juliet, - Brave Aucassin and Nicolette, - And other hearts devoted. - Then in Astronomy he found - What ’tis that makes the world go round, - And why the moon is so renowned, - And shooting stars are noted. - - In Grammar Cupid had to say - “I love, thou lov’st, he loves,” each day, - And learn of hearts declined, that they - Can still be conjugated. - He studied the Industrial Arts, - Became adept at mending hearts, - Right skilfully he fashioned darts, - And wondrous love-knots plaited. - - A Magic course he had to take, - And for sad hearts that ache or break - Love-philters strange he learned to make - From musk and myrrh and myrtle. - He studied deeply souls that yearned, - Investigated hearts that burned, - And all the tricks and habits learned - Of doves, both ring and turtle. - - And so Dan Cupid is no fool, - But he’s well versed in love and rule, - Although he never went to school - And never went to college. - He’s blind, and yet the rogue can see - A thousand times as well as we; - And that’s how Cupid comes to be - A Paragon of Knowledge. - - - - - POLITICAL NOTES - - -Arcady is an Absolute Monarchy. It is under Home Rule, and Home is where -the Heart is. - -Each citizen is a King or Queen, and rules one subject. - -Any Monarch may be deposed suddenly and supplanted by another. Beside -being a Monarch each citizen is a slave, and thus the balance of power -is preserved. - -The Declaration of Dependence is signed by all good Arcadians. - - - - - ARCADIAN LAWS - - -Be sure you’re right then lose your head. A fool and his money are soon -married. A little debutante is a dangerous thing. Proposals make cowards -of us all. There’s no fool like a bold fool. The longest way round is -the sweetest way home. One good kiss deserves another. ’Tis love that -makes the man come round. Kisses speak louder than words. People who -live in glass houses shouldn’t hold hands. The woman who deliberates is -won. Where there’s a will there’s a wedding. - - - - - COSTUMES - - -There is a tradition of Arcadian simplicity in dress, but it is not -always observed. The men, unless Poets, are often most careful dressers, -and the women deck themselves in whatever garb they deem most attractive -to men. - -White muslin with blue ribbons is a popular costume, and “some sort of -white, shimmering stuff” is much used for gowns. - -Some women are clever enough to please the men by wearing all black or -all white, and the hats are invariably large black ones or broad-leafed, -rose-decked straws. - -Sunshades, fans, floating scarfs, and many coy adjuncts or fripperies of -dress are seen, and flowers are much worn or carried. - - - - - THEN AND NOW - - - Oh, would I had lived in Arcadian days, - When maidens had not such extravagant ways, - When Daphne and Doris - And Chloe and Chloris - Would laugh with delight o’er a ribbon of blue - Or a glittering buckle to wear on a shoe. - - But the girl of today cares nothing at all - For a trivial gift that is simple or small; - And Ethel and Bessie - And Gertrude and Jessie - Will only approve of the presents I’ve brought - If I spend (and I _shall_!) ten times more than I ought. - - - - - WALKS - - -Delightful walks abound in Arcady and its environs. - -If unaccustomed to its devious ways, it is perhaps better to engage the -services of an experienced Guide, which may be had for a song. - -Nature Lovers enjoy the walk out on the old Romany Road, across the -Field of Four-Leafed Clover toward the Forest of Arden. - -A more Sentimental Journey is along the Primrose Way, up Primrose Hill, -and on, beyond the Night, across the Day, thus following the Course of -True Love. Though this never runs smooth, it is often attempted by young -Lovers, who sometimes persevere along the way and sometimes get -sidetracked. - -To Friends’ Shipyard is a pleasant stroll for an idle summer day. Here -may be seen the Sailor laddies making knots. True lover’s knots may be -bought here and carried away as souvenirs. - -Another attractive walk is along Wall Street. A delightful wall, full of -nooks and crannies and overhung with blossoming vines, runs all along -this street. At the corner of Moonshine Avenue is a beautiful monument -representing Pyramus and Thisbe. - - * * * * * - -A pleasant short ramble is along Amourette Avenue, past the Cosy -Corners, to a Bower of Roses by Bendemeer’s Stream. The stream may be -crossed by the Rustic Bridges or by the Stepping Stones, both being -equally romantic. - -[Illustration: “TRUE LOVER’S KNOTS MAY BE BOUGHT HERE”] - - - - - OLD VALENTINES - - - How rapidly Time shifts the scene. - Again it is St. Cupid’s day, - And I must send to my Rosine - A gorgeous valentine bouquet. - Last year I sent the same to May— - Heigh-ho! I’ve led a blithe career— - They’d make a rather long array, - My valentines of yester-year. - - In years beginning with 18— - I was unfettered, free, and gay - Each maiden seemed to me a queen, - And to each one my court I’d pay. - Now I’m engaged. Ah, well-away! - Rosina _is_ a perfect dear, - But I would better not display - My valentines of yester-year. - - No memories shall come between - My love and me. And I’ll essay - To keep her life calm and serene, - And love her when she’s old and gray: - Her lightest wish I will obey, - But still—I hope she’ll never hear - Those verses that I wrote in play, - My valentines of yester-year. - - L’ENVOI - - Cupid, my secrets ne’er betray, - Let me not realize my fear; - And may they be destroyed, I pray, - My valentines of yester-year. - - - - - BUSINESS SECTION - - -The Business Section of Arcady is on Wise Acre Square, just South of -Wall Street. Here may be found the Great Heart Trust, the Unbounded -Trust Company, and the offices of the Trust Her Not Association. These -Companies issue United States Bonds of Matrimony upon application. - -The Court of Appeals and the Supreme Court are busy places, and in their -courtyards sweethearts may be seen courting at any time during business -hours. - -They receive and negotiate Sealed Proposals and Bids and draw up -Marriage contracts. - - * * * * * - -In the Flat Irony Building are the offices of the Love Insurance -Company, the Arcady Ideal Estate Company, and other such organizations, -whose advertisements may be found at the end of this volume. - - - - - IT HAPPENED IN ARCADY - - - THE GREAT HEART TRUST - -“What is the matter, Kiddums?” said Dame Venus, as Cupid entered her -boudoir, with his blue ribbon untied and limply dragging behind him, and -his eyes shining through big tears, like bluebirds taking a bath. - -“Mother, I’m a ruined man,” and Cupid flung himself into his own little -chair, with a Delsarte gesture expressive of deepest dejection. - -“What now, what now, my child?” gently inquired his beautiful parent, -holding her hand-mirror a little to one side, that she might better -perceive her troubled offspring. - -“Why, just this. Some of those fools of finance have organized a Great -Heart Trust.” - -“Oh, Cupid, not really! Then your occupation is indeed gone! They have -taken the very hearts out of your mouth!” - -“Yes, Mother; and aside from the loss of my business, just think how -horrid it is to commercialize it so! Why, I went to their office to make -sure the report was true, and there they were, those horrible -magnets,—or whatever they call them,—huddled round a ticker, and -yelling out to one another such things as these: ‘Loyal Hearts -preferred. Chicago making bold advance; sharp dealings noticed. Colorado -Springs Hearts failed to rally; feeling weak and generally depressed; -later, showed a slight reaction. Spinsters, no demand.’ I don’t know -what it all means, I’m sure; but I see my finish, and I may as well -break my arrows and unstring my bow.” - -With a Delsarte gesture of vindictiveness and despair, Cupid doubled up -his rosy, dimpled knee and snapped an arrow across it, throwing the -pieces on the floor. Then he began to unstring his beautiful, curved -bow. - -Venus looked sympathetically at her only son. - -“Perhaps,” she began, “it isn’t as bad as you think, dear. Perhaps,—” - -“Now, isn’t that just like a woman!” exclaimed Cupid; his round pink -cheeks growing rounder and pinker as he stormed on. “I just guess, -Mother, if you had been down to the Heart Exchange and had heard and -seen what I did, you wouldn’t say, ‘Perhaps and perhaps.’ Why, I -strolled over to listen to two of the magnets talking. One man said -there was a corner in the matrimonial market and the other said he was -too visionary, for that market wasn’t at all affected by the Heart -Trust. He said it was only a question of a deal in futures. I don’t know -what they mean by such talk as that.” - -“I’m sure I don’t either, Cupid,” said Venus, laying down her mirror; -for she had begun to realize that the question was serious and she must -give it her undivided attention, which is a difficult matter for a real -Venus. “Tell me more, Son.” - -“Well, I looked over a man’s shoulder, and he was reading from another -of those ticker things. He was a horrid man, not the kind I like to deal -with, at all. He read things like this: ‘Summer Girls. Sensational -Advances. No Reserve. Public Wary. Actresses not well supported, but -best of financial backing; good figures.’” - -“But, Cupid, dearie, you’re not interested in hearts like those, I -hope.” - -“Now, Mother, you know perfectly well that a man in my business position -is obliged to deal in all sorts of hearts. And I’ve always had a -monopoly of the market. Now the Great Heart Trust has spoiled my trade -entirely.” He broke another arrow across his knee and his quiver seemed -to have transferred itself to his rosy lips. - -“But, Son,” began Venus, hopefully, “doesn’t this affect city hearts -only? Can’t you go to the country, and in the flowery fields and lovers’ -lanes find all the business you can attend to?” - -“No, Mother,” and the curly head drooped like a dandelion at midday. -“This Great Heart Trust is universal. I stole a look at one of their -papers this morning, and one column was headed ‘Rural Reports.’ Then it -said: ‘Country depressed, dull; moving slowly. Domestic Products quiet -and well-behaved; in great demand. Southern peach crop very fine; -quickly snapped up.’ I can’t understand all their queer terms, but I -suppose I shall have to learn them.” - -“Yes, Cupid, do that. Meet them on their own ground and fight them with -their own weapons. You know more about hearts than they do; think of -your long experience.” - -“Oh, Mother! Imagine me occupying a seat in the Heart Exchange! Why, I’d -have to wear a ticker ribbon instead of my blue sash. No, I never could -learn their language. Why, they talk like this: ‘Coquettes’ hearts, -Common stock; a declining movement shows a hardening tendency, but the -stock is unsteady, with exciting effects.’ And not only our own people -are concerned, but they quote prices on Foreign Hearts, and, Mother, the -rates are almost prohibitive. Then one report said, ‘Fiancées’ Hearts; -do not fear local pressure!’ Now what can such talk mean? Then it said: -‘Boston. (See Ice Trust.)’ No, Mother, it’s no use; I can’t understand -their jargon.” - -“But, Cupid, you can learn. The age is progressive and you must keep up -with it. You know yourself that for some time your methods of dealing in -hearts have been considered old-fashioned. Now you must try more -up-to-date ways.” - -“But, Mother, some reports are so sad. Their paper said today that there -were many heart failures reported. Why, one heart broke at sixty—during -a period of depression! And then they quoted ‘Hearts Bowed Down.’ That -seemed to be a falling market, with heavy sales. Several hearts were -lost or stolen, and altogether it made me feel panic-stricken. And what -do you think, they quoted ‘Husbands’ as inclined to firmness, but -showing bearish indications! No, it’s all out of my line. I know my -business, I’ve practised it many, many years, and I’m too old to learn -new tricks.” - -Venus looked at her son in much the same way that any mother looks at -her child when she knows she can help him out of his difficulty. - -“You dear, silly child,” she said, “you’re needlessly alarmed. Every -trust must have its day, but they all fail sooner or later. Bide your -time, and after a while you’ll find that the trust is all over, and you -can carry on the game in your own sweet way. I have heard of some kind -of a queer machine,—I think it’s called a ‘trust buster,’—invented -just on purpose to break up these trusts. I’ll get you one. Now kiss me -and run away and play.” - -Venus picked up her mirror again and sat gazing at her beautiful nose in -rapt admiration of that classic member. - -Cupid cheered up considerably. “Mother, you’re a blessing,” he said, as -he kissed the tip of her ear. “But,” he added, as he ran away to chase -butterflies, “after this trust-buster thing has done its smashing, -_won’t_ I have a time mending all the broken hearts!” - - - - - CALAMITOUS CATASTROPHE - - - DIRE DESTRUCTION AND DEPLORABLE DISASTER - - DESOLATION AND DEVASTATION CAUSED BY AN APPALLING AIRQUAKE - - THOUSANDS OF CASTLES IN THE AIR OVERTHROWN AND DEMOLISHED - - (_From our own correspondent_) - -ARCADY: A terrible airquake has wrought havoc in the densely populated -atmosphere above this locality. Without a word of warning, noble and -beautiful castles in the air went toppling to their ruin. - -Though difficult to get details in these first hours of confusion and -distress, it is known that the sumptuous air castle built by Claude -Melnotte for the Lady of Lyons is entirely demolished. The devastated -area is widespread, and from the most magnificent dream of marble halls -to the humblest vision of love in a cottage, all of the _Chateaux en -Espagne_ have fallen. It is feared that many loves have been lost in the -ruins. Even now the agents of the Love Insurance Company are on the spot -estimating the casualties. Many of the survivors declare they will -rebuild at the earliest possible moment. Indeed, it may safely be -predicted that new and more elaborate and beautiful castles in the air -will soon take the place of the old ones. Among the débris of ruined -hopes and shattered ideals, pathetic sights may be seen. Here a broken -resolution sticks up through the mass of fragments, there a broken -promise; and everywhere are fallen idols and upset plans. The explorer -is menaced by pits of boiling imagination and fine frenzies rolling. But -relief supplies are already being received. A ship, with Youth at the -helm and Pleasure at the prow, has just come into the harbor, bringing a -cargo of fresh hopes and such stuff as dreams are made of. - -Owing to the prevalence of mirage it is difficult to give definite -statistics; but the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is still -visible, and the sanguine, light-hearted people have already begun to -rear anew their castles in the air. - - _From the Arcadian News_ - - - - - ADVERTISEMENTS - - - PERSONALLY CONDUCTED HONEYMOON TOURS - - BILLINGS & COO, PROPRIETORS - -Why trouble yourself with the details of traveling and its -paraphernalia, at a time when your heart, mind, and soul are all -absorbed in other matters? - -Why descend to the sordid buying of tickets and checking of luggage, -when your spirit is soaring in realms of Empyrean bliss? - -Why puzzle over the baffling intricacies of a time-table, when you can -be looking into the lustrous orbs of your Bride? - -Why suffer the irritating Emergencies of Travel, when your way may be -made a path of Roses by embarking on one of our Personally Conducted -Wedding Trips? - -All Routes to suit all Temperaments! - -The Totally Oblivious are piloted safely through a hackneyed and -uneventful Trip. - -The Fearfully Embarrassed are shielded and screened from unpleasant -observation. - -The Ostentatiously Happy are paraded in public and brought into -delightful prominence on trains and in hotels. - -The Blissfully Enraptured are conducted to Sentimental Spots and on -Romantic Rambles. - -One of D. Cupid’s Own Guides, in Blue Ribbon Uniform, takes entire -charge of each Happy Couple and attends to all details of the Trip. At -the request of the Bride he will write letters home to her mother from -every stopping-place or will, at the order of the Bridegroom, extend his -Letters of Credit or telegraph his bank for more funds. - -These Tours are entirely _de luxe_. The routes are strewn with roses all -the way. Sunshiny and balmy weather guaranteed. Not one bored moment, or -Money Refunded. - -Write at once for Prospectus. - - BILLINGS & COO - - THE BRIDAL PATH - - ORANGE BLOSSOM PARK - - * * * * * - - MUTUAL-BENEFIT LOVE-INSURANCE COMPANY - -Lovers, Attention! Is your love insured? Other loves are dead; your love -may die. You insure your life, your house, your barns. Why not insure -your love? - -This company is incorporated under the laws of the United States, and -its affairs are conducted by a board of directors, including some of our -best known poets and novelists, and it is approved in all respects by -the board of underpaid writers. - -MEMBERSHIP: Any lover between the ages of eighteen and seventy, of sound -body and (otherwise) sound mind, in good health (excepting such maladies -as are traceable to the fact of his or her being in love) and of -temperate habits, whose occupation comes within certain classifications -hereinafter specified, shall be eligible to membership. - -Policies are issued only upon healthy, honest loves subscribed and sworn -to by both parties interested therein, and guaranteed to be not like -other loves. - -PROHIBITED RISKS: Citizens of Chicago, members of the theatrical -profession, students of co-educational colleges, naval heroes, and -summer girls are not eligible to membership, and their applications will -not be considered by this company. - -Applicants must answer truthfully and without evasion the following -questions: - -State name, including all nicknames or pet names used during the love to -be insured. - -How long have you been in love? - -Was it love at first sight? - -Are you (1) handsome, (2) good-looking, or (3) plain? - -Are you susceptible to flattery? - -Are you of a jealous disposition? - -Have you ever had Heart-disease? Palpitation? Melancholia? -Lover-complaint? Blues? Heart-failure? - -What is your occupation? (Specify this definitely. If a business man, -state if lady typewriters are employed, and if so, how many and of what -appearance. Append photographs if possible.) - -Where do you spend your vacations? - -Are there widows there? - -Any applicant answering these questions satisfactorily is entitled to a -policy in our company that shall provide indemnity for the death of a -love which, though it may now seem deathless, is often subject to mortal -injury in this uncertain life of ours. - - DAN CUPID, _Agent_ - - NO. 7 PRIMROSE PATH - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: “THE BLISSFULLY ENRAPTURED ARE CONDUCTED TO SENTIMENTAL -SPOTS”] - - * * * * * - - AIR CASTLES UP TO DATE - - All the Modern Improvements - Spanish Building and Loan Association - Home is where the heart is! - Own your own home! - - Why live in a mundane flat when you can have - a Castle in the Air? - - At a small outlay you may secure a beautiful - site and a large and commodious dwelling - - All styles to suit all tastes! - - Love-in-a-Cottage Type. Rose-embowered Porch - Dimity-curtained Windows. Dream of - Marble Halls - Specially selected Vassals and Serfs. Ruined - Castle Effects - Ivy-hung Turrets. Secret Staircase to Tower - - _Write for circulars and Prospectus_ - - ! ! ! A Few desirable plots for Sale on - Lover’s Lane! ! ! - - * * * * * - - _La Romanza!_ - -The magnificent apartment house, corner Arden Avenue and Paradise Alley - -This apartment air castle is built and finished with a careful attention -to detail, which combines Eighteenth-century Romance with -Nineteenth-century convenience. Among its advantages over older air -castles are: - -Express Elevator to Seventh Heaven - -Trolley Line to Arcady - -Dream Interpreter Call and United States Valentine Chute on every floor - -Lighted by an Automatic Electric Moon - -Surrounded by sturdy oaks and clinging vines. - -Owing to the recent depreciations in Ideal Estate you may be interested -in - - _La Romanza_!!! - _Write for particulars and terms to_ - - DAN CUPID - - _Ideal Estate Agent_ - - NO. 7 PRIMROSE PATH - - * * * * * - - - ADVERTISEMENT - - There’s a new heart awaiting a tenant, - To whom shall its portals unclose? - Dan Cupid is floating his pennant - At The Sign of the Lily and Rose. - - This heart is not offered for selling, - The owner all freely bestows - A hostelry fit for Love’s dwelling, - At The Sign of the Lily and Rose. - - There’s a happy smile caught in her dimple, - That only a debutante shows; - And chatter is guileless and simple - At the Sign of the Lily and Rose. - - She’s pleased with the veriest trifles, - No artful bewitchment she knows; - But Cupid a sigh or two stifles - At The Sign of the Lily and Rose. - - And, indeed, the poor fellow has reason - As he thinks of the long string of beaux - Who’ll successively stop for a season - At The Sign of the Lily and Rose. - -[Illustration: LOVE PROOF WINDOW SCREENS] - - ADVERTISEMENT - -Love-Proof Window Screens fill a long-felt want. Easily adjusted. -Non-penetrable. With these screens in place, Love cannot fly out of the -window when Poverty comes in at the Door. - - TRUELOVE & CO. - - _Sole Agents_ - - 77 MARRION STREET - - ADVERTISEMENT - -DOCTOR IRIS. Diagnostician for all blindness or eye troubles caused by -Love. 24 C Street. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration: MAP OF _THE TOWN OF_ ARCADY _Surveyed by George Hood_] - - * * * * * - -Transcriber’s Notes: - -Punctuation and type-setting errors have been corrected without note. -Hyphenation and archaic spellings have been retained as in the original. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Lover's Baedeker and Guide to -Arcady, by Carolyn Wells - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LOVER'S BAEDEKER, GUIDE TO ARCADY *** - -***** This file should be named 51189-0.txt or 51189-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/1/8/51189/ - -Produced by Mardi Desjardins & the online Distributed -Proofreaders Canada team (http://www.pgdpcanada.net) from -page images generously made available by the HathiTrust -Digital Library (https://www.hathitrust.org/digital_library) -and Google Books. - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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