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- vertical-align: -40%; -} -@media handheld -{ - .fauxcap - { - float: none; - margin: 0; - font-size: 100%; - } -} - - </style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Plays, vol. 2, by John Vanbrugh - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Plays, vol. 2 - -Author: John Vanbrugh - -Release Date: February 2, 2016 [EBook #51114] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PLAYS, VOL. 2 *** - - - - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, Mark C. Orton and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) - - - - - - -</pre> - -<div class="tnotes covernote"> - <p>The cover image was created by the transcriber and is placed in the public domain.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p> -<div id="titlepage"> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h1>PLAYS,</h1> - - -<p>WRITTEN BY</p> - -<p class="xlarge">Sir <span class="smcap">John Vanbrugh</span>.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Volume</span> <em>the</em> <span class="smcap">Second</span>.</p> - -<p>CONTAINING -</p> - - -<ul><li><a href="#PROLOGUE">The <span class="smcap">Confederacy</span>.</a></li> - -<li><a href="#THE">The <span class="smcap">Mistake</span>.</a></li> - -<li><a href="#THE3">The <span class="smcap">Country House</span>.</a></li> - -<li><a href="#A">A <span class="smcap">Journey</span> to <span class="smcap">London</span>.</a></li> - -<li><a href="#THE5">The <span class="smcap">Provok'd Husband</span>.</a></li> -</ul> - -<p>LONDON:</p> - -<p class="small">Printed for <span class="smcap">J. Rivington</span>, <span class="smcap">T. Longman</span>, <span class="smcap">T. -Lowndes</span>, <span class="smcap">T. Caslon</span>, <span class="smcap">C. Corbett</span>, <span class="smcap">S. Bladon</span>, -<span class="smcap">W. Nicoll</span>, <span class="smcap">T. Evans</span>, and <span class="smcap">M. Waller</span>.<br /> -MDCCLXXVI.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a><br /><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2><a name="PROLOGUE" id="PROLOGUE">PROLOGUE,</a></h2> - - -<p class="directcenter">Spoken by a Shabby Poet. -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em><span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">Y</span>e</span> Gods! what crime had my poor father done,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>That you should make a poet of his son?</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Or is't for some great services of his,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Y'are pleas'd to compliment his boy——with this?</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directright">[Shewing his crown of laurel.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i2"><em>The honour, I must needs confess is great,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>If, with his crown, you'd tell him where to eat:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Tis well——But I have more complaints—look here!</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directright">[Shewing his ragged coat.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Hark ye; d'ye think this suit good winter wear?</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>In a cold morning; whu——at a Lord's gate,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>How you have let the porter let me wait!</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>You'll say, perhaps, you knew I'd get no harm,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>You'd given me fire enough to keep me warm.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Ah——</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>A world of blessings to that fire we owe;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Without it I'd ne'er made this princely show.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>I have a brother too, now in my sight,</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directright">[Looking behind the scenes.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>A busy man amongst us here to-night:</em><br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Your fire has made him play a thousand pranks,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For which, no doubt you've had his daily thanks:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He's thank'd you, fi fi, for all his decent plays,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Where he so nick'd it, when he writ for praise.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Next for his meddling with some folks in black,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And bringing——Souse——a priest upon his back;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For building houses here t'oblige the peers,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And fetching all their house about his ears;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For a new play, he'as now thought fit to write,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To sooth the town——which they——will damn to-night.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>These benefits are such, no man can doubt</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But he'll go on, and set your fancy out,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Till for reward of all his noble deeds,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>At last, like other sprightly folks, he speeds:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Has this great recompence fix'd on his brow</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>As fam'd Parnassus; has your leave to bow</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And walk about the streets—equip'd——as I am now.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="Dramatis_Personae" id="Dramatis_Personae">Dramatis Personæ.</a></h3> - - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Dramatis Personæ"> - <tr> - <th colspan="3">MEN.</th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Gripe</em>,</td> - <td rowspan="2" class="bl br tdc">Two rich money-scriveners.</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Leigh.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Money-trap</em>,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Dogget.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2"><em>Dick</em>, a gamester, son to Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>.</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Booth.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2"><em>Brass</em>, his companion, passes for his <em>Valet de Chambre.</em></td> - <td>Mr. <em>Pack.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2"><em>Clip</em>, a Goldsmith.</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Mimes.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2"><em>Jessamin</em>, foot boy to <em>Clarissa</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <th colspan="3">WOMEN.</th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2"><em>Clarissa</em>, wife to <em>Gripe</em>, an expensive luxurious woman, a great admirer of quality.</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Barry.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2"><em>Araminta</em>, wife to <em>Money-trap</em>, very intimate with <em>Clarissa</em>, of the same humour.</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Porter.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2"><em>Corinna</em>, daughter to <em>Gripe</em> by a former wife, a good fortune, young, and kept very close by her father.</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Bradshaw.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2"><em>Flippanta</em>, <em>Clarissa</em>'s maid.</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Bracegirdle.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2">Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>, a seller of all sorts of private affairs to the ladies.</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Willis.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2">Mrs. <em>Cloggit</em> her neighbour.</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Baker.</em></td> - </tr> -</table></div> - -<p class="ph2">THE<br /> -CONFEDERACY.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span> -</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_I_SCENE_I" id="ACT_I_SCENE_I"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> I. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - -<p class="directcenter"><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> <em>Covent-garden</em>. -</p> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Amlet</span> and Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Cloggit</span>, meeting.</em> -</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><span class="smcap">Amlet.</span> -</p> - -<p class="drop-capw"><span class="smcap">Good</span>-morrow, neighbour; good-morrow, neighbour -<em>Cloggit</em>! How does all at your house this -morning?</p> - -<p><em>Clog.</em> Think you kindly, <em>Mrs.</em> Amlet, thank you -kindly; how do you do, I pray?</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> At the old rate, neighbour, poor and honest; -these are hard times, good lack.</p> - -<p><em>Clog.</em> If they are hard with you, what are they with -us? You have a good trade going, all the great folks in -town help off with your merchandize.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Yes, they do help us off with 'em indeed; they -buy all.</p> - -<p><em>Clog.</em> And pay——</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> For some.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Clog.</em> Well, 'tis a thousand pities, Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>, they -are not as ready at one, as they are at t'other: For, not -to wrong 'em, they give very good rates.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> O for that, let us do them justice, neighbour; they -never make two words upon the price, all they haggle -about is the day of payment.</p> - -<p><em>Clog.</em> There's all the dispute, as you say.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> But that's a wicked one: For my part, neighbour, -I'm just tir'd off my legs with trotting after 'em; -beside, it eats out all our profit. Would you believe it, -Mrs. <em>Cloggit</em>, I have worn out four pair of pattens, with -following my old Lady <em>Youthful</em>, for one set of false teeth, -and but three pots of paint.</p> - -<p><em>Clog.</em> Look you there now.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> If they would but once let me get enough by -'em, to keep a coach to carry me a dunning after 'em, -there would be some conscience in it.</p> - -<p><em>Clog.</em> Ay, that were something. But now you talk of -conscience, Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>, how do you speed among your -city customers?</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> My city customers! Now by my truth, neighbour, -between the city and the court (with reverence -be it spoken) there's not a —— to choose. My ladies -in the city in times past, were as full of gold as they -were of religion, and as punctual in their payments -as they were of their prayers; but since they have set -their minds upon quality, adieu one, adieu t'other, their -money and their conscience are gone, heaven knows -where. There is not a goldsmith's wife to be found in -town, but's as hard-hearted as an ancient judge, and as -poor as a towering dutchess.</p> - -<p><em>Clog.</em> But what the murrain have they to do with -quality, why don't their husbands make e'm mind their -shops?</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Their husbands! their husbands, say'st thou, -woman? alack, alack, they mind their husbands, neighbour, -no more than they do a sermon.</p> - -<p><em>Clog.</em> Good lack-a-day, that women born of sober -parents, should be prone to follow ill examples! But -now we talk of quality, when did you hear of your<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span> -son <em>Richard</em>, Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>? My daughter <em>Flip.</em> says -she met him t'other day in a lac'd coat, with three fine -ladies, his footman at his heels, and as gay as a bridegroom.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Is it possible? Ah the rogue! well, neighbour, -all's well that ends well; but <em>Dick</em> will be hang'd.</p> - -<p><em>Clog.</em> That were pity.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Pity indeed; for he's a hopeful young man to -look on; but he leads a life——Well——where -he has it, heav'n knows; but they say, he pays his -club with the best of 'em. I have seen him but once -these three months, neighbour, and then the varlet -wanted money; but I bid him march, and march he did -to some purpose; for in less than an hour, back comes -my gentleman into the house, walks to and fro in the -room, with his wig over his shoulder, his hat on one -side, whistling a minuet, and tossing a purse of gold -from one hand to t'other, with no more respect (heaven -bless us!) than if it had been an orange. Sirrah, says -I, where have you got that? He answers me never a -word, but sets his arms a kimbo, cocks his saucy hat in -my face, turns about upon his ungracious heel, as much -as to say kiss—and I've never set my eye on him since.</p> - -<p><em>Clog.</em> Look you there now; to see what the youth of -this age are come to!</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> See what they will come to, neighbour. Heaven -shield, I say; but <em>Dick</em>'s upon the gallop. Well, -I must bid you good-morrow; I'm going where I doubt -I shall meet but a sorry welcome.</p> - -<p><em>Clog.</em> To get in some old debt, I'll warrant you?</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Neither better or worse.</p> - -<p><em>Clog.</em> From a lady of quality?</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> No, she's but a scrivener's wife; but she lives -as well, and pays as ill, as the stateliest countess of -'em all.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt several ways.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Brass</span> solus.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Well, surely thro' the world's wide extent, -there never appeared so impudent a fellow as my schoolfellow -<em>Dick</em>, pass himself upon the town for a gen<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span>tleman, -drop into all the best company with an easy -air, as if his natural element were in the sphere of -quality; when the rogue had a kettle-drum to his -father, who was hang'd for robbing a church, and has -a pedlar to his mother, who carries her shop under her -arm. But here he comes.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Dick</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Well, <em>Brass</em>, what news? Hast thou given my -letter to <em>Flippanta</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> I'm but just come; I han't knock'd at the door -yet. But I have a damn'd piece of news for you.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> As how?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> We must quit this country.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> We'll be hang'd first.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> So you will if you stay.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Why, what's the matter?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> There's a storm a coming.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> From whence?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> From the worst point in the compass, the -law.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> The law! Why what have I to do with the -law?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Nothing; and therefore it has something to -do with you.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Explain.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> You know you cheated a young fellow at -picquet t'other day, of the money he had to raise his -company.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Well, what then?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Why he's sorry he lost it.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Who doubts that?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Ay, but that's not all, he's such a fool to think -of complaining on't.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Then I must be so wise as to stop his mouth.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> How?</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Give him a little back; if that won't do, strangle -him.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> You are very quick in your methods.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Men must be so that will dispatch business.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Hark you, Colonel, your father dy'd in's bed?</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> He might have done if he had not been a -fool.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Why, he robbed a church.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Ay, but he forgot to make sure of the sexton.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Are not you a great rogue?</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Or I should wear worse clothes.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Hark you, I would advise you to change your -life.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> And turn ballad-singer.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Not so neither.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> What then?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Why, if you can get this young wench, reform, -and live honest.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> That's the way to be starv'd.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> No, she has money enough to buy you a good -place, and pay me into the bargain for helping her to -so good a match. You have but this throw left to save -you, for you are not ignorant, youngster, that your -morals begin to be pretty well known about town; -have a care your noble birth and your honourable relations -are not discovered too: there needs but that to -have you toss'd in a blanket, for the entertainment of -the first company of ladies you intrude into: and then like -a dutiful son, you may dangle about with your mother, -and sell paint: she's old and weak, and wants somebody -to carry her goods after her. How like a dog will -you look, with a pair of plod shoes, your hair crop'd up -to your ears, and a band-box under your arm?</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Why faith, <em>Brass</em>, I think thou art in the right -on't; I must fix my affairs quickly, or Madam <em>Fortune</em> -will be playing some of her bitch-tricks with me: -therefore I'll tell thee what we'll do; we'll pursue this -old rogue's daughter heartily; we'll cheat his family to -purpose, and they shall atone for the rest of mankind.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Have at her then, I'll about your business -presently.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> One kiss——and success attend thee.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Dick</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> A great rogue——Well, I say nothing. But<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> -when I have got the thing into a good posture, he shall -sign and seal, or I'll have him tumbled out of the house -like a cheese. Now for <em>Flippanta.</em></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>He knocks.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Flippanta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Who's that? <em>Brass!</em></p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> <em>Flippanta!</em></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> What want you, rogue's-face?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Is your mistress dress'd?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> What, already? Is the fellow drunk?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Why, with respect to her looking-glass, it's -almost two.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> What then, fool?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Why then it's time for the mistress of the house -to come down, and look after her family.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Pr'ythee don't be an owl. Those that go to bed -at night may rise in the morning; we that go to bed in -the morning rise in the afternoon.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> When does she make her visits then?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> By candle-light; it helps off a muddy complexion; -we women hate inquisitive sun-shine: but do -you know that my Lady is going to turn good housewife?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> What, is she going to die?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Die!</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Why, that's the only way to save money for -her family.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> No; but she has thought of a project to save -chair-hire.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> As how?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Why all the company she us'd to keep abroad -she now intends shall meet at her own house. Your -master has advis'd her to set up a basset-table.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Nay, if he advis'd her to it, it's right; but has -she acquainted her husband with it yet?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> What to do? When the company meet he'll -see them.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Nay, that's true, as you say, he'll know it soon -enough.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Well, I must be gone; have you any business -with my Lady?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Yes; as ambassador from <em>Araminta</em>, I have a -letter for her.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Give it me.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Hold——and as first minister of state to the -Colonel, I have an affair to communicate to thee.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> What is't? quick.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Why——he's in love.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> With what?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> A woman——and her money together.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Who is she?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> <em>Corinna</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> What wou'd he be at?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> At her——if she's at leisure.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Which way?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Honourably——he has ordered me to demand -her of thee in marriage.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Of me?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Why, when a man of quality has a mind to a -city-fortune, would'st have him apply to her father and -mother?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> No.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> No, so I think: men of our end of the town -are better bred than to use ceremony. With a long -perriwig we strike the lady, with a you-know-what -we soften the maid; and when the parson has done his -job, we open the affair to the family. Will you slip this -letter into her prayer-book, my little queen? It's -a very passionate one——It's seal'd with a heart and a -dagger; you may see by that what he intends to do -with himself.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Are there any verses in it? If not, I won't -touch it.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Not one word in prose, it's dated in rhyme.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>She takes it.</em></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Well, but have you brought nothing else?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Gad forgive me; I'm the forgetfullest dog——I -have a letter for you too——here——'tis in a purse, -but it's in prose, you won't touch it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Yes, hang it, it is not good to be too dainty.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> How useful a virtue is humility! Well, child, -we shall have an answer to-morrow, shan't we?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I can't promise you that; for our young gentlewoman -is not so often in my way as she would be. -Her father (who is a citizen from the foot to the -forehead of him) lets her seldom converse with her -mother-in-law and me, for fear she should learn the airs -of a woman of quality. But I'll take the first occasion: -see, there's my lady, go in and deliver your letter to -her.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>a Parlour</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Clarissa</span>, follow'd by <span class="antiqua">Flippanta</span> and <span class="antiqua">Brass</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> No messages this morning from any body, <em>Flippanta</em>? -Lard how dull that is! O, there's <em>Brass</em>! I did -not see thee, <em>Brass</em>. What news dost thou bring?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Only a letter from <em>Araminta</em>, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Give it me——open it for me, <em>Flippanta</em>, I -am so lazy to-day.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Sitting down.</em></p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> [<em>To Flip.</em>] Be sure now you deliver my master's -as carefully as I do this.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Don't trouble thyself, I'm no novice.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> [to <em>Brass.</em>] 'Tis well, there needs no answer, -since she'll be here so soon.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Your ladyship has no farther commands then?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Not at this time, honest <em>Brass</em>. <em>Flippanta</em>!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Brass</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> My husband's in love.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> In love?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> With <em>Araminta</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Impossible!</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> This letter from her, is to give me an account -of it.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Methinks you are not very much alarm'd.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> No; thou know'st I'm not much tortur'd with -jealousy.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Nay, you are much in the right on't, Madam, -for jealousy's a city passion, 'tis a thing unknown -amongst people of quality.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Fy! A woman must indeed be of a mechanick -mould, who is either troubled or pleas'd with any thing -her husband can do to her. Pr'ythee mention him no -more; 'tis the dullest theme.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> 'Tis splenetick indeed. But when once you -open your basset table, I hope that will put him out of -your head.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Alas, <em>Flippanta</em>, I begin to grow weary even of -the thoughts of that too.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> How so?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Why, I have thought on't a day and a night -already, and four and twenty hours, thou know'st, is -enough to make one weary of any thing.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Now by my conscience, you have more woman -in you than all your sex together: you never know what -you would have.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Thou mistakest the thing quite. I always know -what I lack, but I am never pleas'd with what I have. -The want of a thing is perplexing enough, but the -possession of it is intolerable.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Well, I don't know what you are made of, but -other women would think themselves blest in your case; -handsome, witty, lov'd by every body, and of so -happy a composure, to care a fig for nobody. You -have no one passion, but that of your pleasures, and you -have in me a servant devoted to all your desires, let -them be as extravagant as they will: yet all this is -nothing; you can still be out of humour.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Alas, I have but too much cause.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Why, what have you to complain of?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Alas, I have more subjects for spleen than one: -is it not a most horrible thing that I should be but a -scrivener's wife?—Come,——don't flatter me, don't -you think nature design'd me for something <em>plus elevé</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Nay, that's certain; but on the other side, -methinks, you ought to be in some measure content, -since you live like a woman of quality, tho' you are -none.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> O fy! the very quintessence of it is wanting.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> What's that?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Why, I dare abuse nobody: I'm afraid to -affront people, tho' I don't like their faces; or to ruin -their reputations, tho' they pique me to it, by taking -ever so much pains to preserve 'em: I dare not raise a -lye of a man, tho' he neglects to make love to me; -nor report a woman to be a fool, tho' she's handsomer -than I am. In short, I dare not so much as bid my footman -kick the people out of doors, tho' they come to ask -me for what I owe them.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> All this is very hard indeed.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Ah, <em>Flippanta</em>, the perquisites of quality are of -an unspeakable value.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> They are of some use, I must confess; but we -must not expect to have every thing. You have wit and -beauty, and a fool to your husband: come come, -madam, that's a good portion for one.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Alas, what signifies beauty and wit, when one -dares neither jilt the men nor abuse the women? 'Tis -a sad thing, <em>Flippanta</em>, when wit's confin'd, 'tis worse -than the rising of the lights; I have been sometimes -almost choak'd with scandal, and durst not cough it up -for want of being a countess.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Poor lady!</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> O! Liberty is a fine thing, <em>Flippanta</em>; it's a -great help in conversation to have leave to say what one -will. I have seen a woman of quality, who has -not had one grain of wit, entertain a whole company -the most agreeably in the world, only with her malice. -But 'tis in vain to repine, I can't mend my condition, -till my husband dies: so I'll say no more on't, but -think of making the most of the state I am in.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> That's your best way, madam; and in order to -it, pray consider how you'll get some ready money to -set your basset-table a going; for that's necessary.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Thou say'st true; but what trick I shall play -my husband to get some, I don't know: for my pretence -of losing my diamond necklace has put the man -into such a passion, I'm afraid he won't hear reason.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> No matter; he begins to think 'tis lost in earnest: -so I fancy you may venture to sell it, and raise -money that way.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> That can't be, for he has left odious notes with -all the goldsmiths in town.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Well, we must pawn it then.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> I'm quite tir'd with dealing with those pawnbrokers.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I'm afraid you'll continue the trade a great -while, for all that.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Jessamin</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Jess.</em> Madam, there's the woman below that sells -paint and patches, iron boddice, false teeth, and all -sorts of things to the ladies; I can't think of her name.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> 'Tis Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>, she wants money.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Well, I han't enough for myself, it's an unreasonable -thing she should think I have any for her.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> She's a troublesome jade.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> So are all people that come a dunning.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> What will you do with her?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> I have just now thought on't. She's very rich, -that woman is, <em>Flippanta</em>, I'll borrow some money of her.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Borrow! sure you jest, madam.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> No, I'm in earnest; I give thee commission to -do it for me.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Me!</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Why dost thou stare, and look so ungainly? -Don't I speak to be understood?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Yes, I understand you well enough; but Mrs. -<em>Amlet</em>——</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> But Mrs. <em>Amlet</em> must lend me some money, -where shall I have any to pay her else?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> That's true; I never thought of that truly. -But here she is.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Amlet</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> How d'you do? How d'you do, Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>? -I han't seen you these thousand years, and yet I believe -I'm down in your books.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> O, Madam, I don't come for that, alack.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Good-morrow, Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Good-morrow, Mrs. <em>Flippanta</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> How much am I indebted to you, Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Nay, if your ladyship desires to see your bill, I -believe I may have it about me.—There, Madam, if it -ben't too much fatigue to you to look it over.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Let me see it, for I hate to be in debt, where -I am obliged to pay. [<em>Aside.</em>]——<em>Reads.</em>] Imprimis, <em>For -bolstering out the Countess of <span class="antiqua">Crump's</span> left hip</em>——O -fy, this does not belong to me.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> I beg your Ladyship's pardon. I mistook indeed; -'tis a countess's bill I have writ out to little purpose. -I furnish'd her two years ago with three pair of -hips, and am not paid for them yet: but some are -better customers than some. There's your Ladyship's -bill, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> <em>For the idea of a new invented commode.</em>——Ay, -this may be mine, but 'tis of a preposterous length. -Do you think I can waste time to read every article, Mrs. -<em>Amlet</em>? I'd as lief read a sermon.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Alack-a-day, there's no need of fatiguing yourself -at that rate; cast an eye only, if your honour -pleases, upon the sum total.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Total; fifty-six pounds—and odd things.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> But six and fifty pounds!</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Nay, another body would have made it twice as -much; but there's a blessing goes along with a moderate -profit.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> <em>Flippanta</em>, go to my cashier, let him give you -six and fifty pounds. Make haste: don't you hear me? -Six and fifty pounds. Is it so difficult to be comprehended?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> No, Madam, I, I comprehend six and fifty -pounds, but——</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> But go and fetch it then.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> What she means, I don't know; [<em>Aside.</em>] but -I shall, I suppose, before I bring her the money.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em> Flip.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> [<em>Setting her hair in a pocket glass.</em>] The -trade you follow gives you a great deal of trouble, -Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Alack-a-day, a world of pain, Madam, and yet -there's small profit, as your honour sees by your bill.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Poor woman! sometimes you have great losses, -Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> I have two thousand pounds owing me, of -which I shall never get ten shillings.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Poor woman! You have a great charge of children, -Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Only one wicked rogue, Madam, who I think, -will break my heart.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Poor woman!</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> He'll be hang'd, Madam——that will be the -end of him. Where he gets it, heav'n knows; but -he's always shaking his heels with the ladies, and his -elbows with the lords. He's as fine as a prince, and as -grim as the best of them; but the ungracious rogue tells -all that comes near that his mother is dead, and I am -but his nurse.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Poor woman!</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Alas, Madam, he's like the rest of the world; -every body's for appearing to be more than they are, -and that ruins all.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Well, Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>, you'll excuse me, I have a -little business, <em>Flippanta</em> will bring you your money presently. -Adieu, Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Clarissa</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> I return your honour many thanks [<em>Sola.</em>] Ah, -there's my good lady, not so much as read her bill; -if the rest were like her, I should soon have money -enough to go as fine as <em>Dick</em> himself.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Dick</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Sure <em>Flippanta</em> must have given my letter by -this time; [<em>Aside.</em>] I long to know how it has been received.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> <em>Misericorde!</em> what do I see!</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Fiends and hags—the witch my mother!</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Nay, 'tis he! ah, my poor <em>Dick</em>, what art thou -doing here?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> What a misfortune——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Good lard! how bravely deck'd art thou. But -it's all one, I am thy mother still: and tho' thou art a -wicked child, nature will speak, I love thee still, ah, -<em>Dick</em>, my poor <em>Dick</em>.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Embracing him.</em></p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Blood and thunder! will you ruin me?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Breaking from her.</em></p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Ah the blasphemous rogue, how he swears!</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> You destroy all my hopes.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Will your mother's kiss destroy you, varlet? -Thou art an ungracious bird; kneel down, and ask my -blessing, sirrah.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Death and furies!</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Ah, he's a proper young man, see what a shape -he has: ah, poor child.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Running to embrace him, he still avoiding her.</em></p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Oons, keep off, the woman's mad. If any -body comes, my fortune's lost.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> What fortune, ah? speak, graceless. Ah <em>Dick</em>, -thou'lt be hang'd, <em>Dick</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Good, dear mother, now don't call me <em>Dick</em> -here.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Not call thee <em>Dick</em>! Is not that thy name? -What shall I call thee? Mr. <em>Amlet</em>? ha! Art not thou -a presumptuous rascal? Hark you, sirrah, I hear of -your tricks; you disown me for your mother, and say -I'm but your nurse. Is not this true?</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> No, I love you; I respect you; [<em>Taking her -hand.</em>] I am all duty. But if you discover me here, -you ruin the fairest prospect that man ever had.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> What prospect? ha! come, this is a lie -now.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> No, my honour'd parent, what I say is true, -I'm about a great fortune, I'll bring you home a daughter-in-law, -in a coach and six horses, if you'll but be -quiet; I can't tell you more now.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Is it possible!</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> It's true, by <em>Jupiter</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> My dear lad——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> For Heaven's sake——</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> But tell me, <em>Dick</em>——</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> I'll follow you home in a moment, and tell you -all.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> What a shape is there——</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Pray mother go.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> I must receive some money here first, which shall -go for thy wedding-dinner.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Here's somebody coming; s'death, she'll betray -me.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Flippanta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>He makes signs to his Mother.</em></p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Good-morrow, dear <em>Flippanta</em>; how do all the -ladies within?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> At your service, Colonel; as far at least as my -interest goes.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Colonel!—Law you now, how <em>Dick</em>'s respected!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Waiting for thee, <em>Flippanta</em>, I was making acquaintance -with this old gentlewoman here.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> The pretty lad, he's as impudent as a Page.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Who is this good woman, <em>Flippanta</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> A gin of all trades; an old daggling cheat, that -hobbles about from house to house to bubble the ladies -of their money. I have a small business of your's in my -pocket, Colonel.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> An answer to my letter?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> So quick indeed! No, it's your letter itself.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Hast thou not given it then yet?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I han't had an opportunity; but 'twon't be long -first. Won't you go in and see my Lady?</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Yes, I'll go make her a short visit. But dear -<em>Flippanta</em>, don't forget: my life and fortune are in your -hands.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Ne'er fear, I'll take care of 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> How he traps 'em; let <em>Dick</em> alone.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Your servant, good Madam.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>To his Mother.</em></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Dick</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Your Honour's most devoted.—A pretty, civil, -well-bred gentleman this, Mrs. <em>Flippanta</em>. Pray whom -may he be?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> A man of great note; Colonel <em>Shapely</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Is it possible! I have heard much of him indeed, -but never saw him before: one may see quality in every -limb of him: he's a fine man truly.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I think you are in love with him, Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Alas, those days are done with me; but if I -were as fair as I was once, and had as much money as -some folks, Colonel <em>Shapely</em> should not catch cold for -want of a bed-fellow. I love your men of rank, they -have something in their air does so distinguish 'em from -the rascality.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> People of Quality are fine things indeed, Mrs. -<em>Amlet</em>, if they had but a little more money; but for -want of that, they are forced to do things their great -souls are asham'd of. For example—here's my Lady—she -owes you but six and fifty pounds——</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Well!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> And she has it not by her to pay you.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> How can that be?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I don't know; her cash-keeper's out of humour, -he says he has no money.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> What a presumptuous piece of vermin is a cash-keeper! -Tell his Lady he has no money?—Now, Mrs. -<em>Flippanta</em>, you may see his bags are full by his being so -saucy.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> If they are, there's no help for't; he'll do -what he pleases, till he comes to make up his yearly -accounts.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> But Madam plays sometimes, so when she has -good fortune, she may pay me out of her winnings.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> O ne'er think of that, Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>: if she had -won a thousand pounds, she'd rather die in a gaol, than -pay off a farthing with it; play money, Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>, -amongst people of quality, is a sacred thing, and not -to be profan'd. 'Tis consecrated to their pleasures, -'twould be sacrilege to pay their debts with it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Why what shall we do then? For I han't one -penny to buy bread.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em>——I'll tell you——it just now comes in my -head: I know my Lady has a little occasion for money -at this time; so——if you lend her——a hundred -pounds——do you see, then she may pay you your six and -fifty out of it.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Sure, Mrs. <em>Flippanta</em>, you think to make a fool -of me.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> No, the Devil fetch me if I do——You shall -have a diamond necklace in pawn.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> O ho, a pawn! That's another case. And when -must she have this money?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> In a quarter of an hour.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Say no more. Bring the necklace to my house, -it shall be ready for you.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I'll be with you in a moment.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Adieu, Mrs. <em>Flippanta</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Adieu, Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Amlet</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Flippanta <span class="antiqua">sola</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>So——this ready money will make us all happy. This -spring will set our basset going, and that's a wheel -will turn twenty others. My Lady's young and handsome; -she'll have a dozen intrigues upon her hands, before -she has been twice at her prayers. So much the better; -the more the grist, the richer the miller. Sure never -wench got into so hopeful a place: Here's a fortune -to be sold, a mistress to be debauched, and a master to -be ruin'd. If I don't feather my nest, and get a good -husband, I deserve to die both a maid and a beggar.</p> - -<p class="directright">[Exeunt.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_II" id="ACT_II"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> II.</a></h3> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Mr.</em> Gripe's <em>House</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Clarissa</span> and <span class="antiqua">Dick</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">W</span>hat</span> in the name of dulness is the matter -with you, Colonel? you are as studious -as a crack'd chymist.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> My head, Madam, is full of your husband.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> The worst furniture for a head in the universe.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> I am thinking of his passion for your friend <em>Araminta</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Passion!—--Dear Colonel, give it a less violent name.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Brass</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Well, Sir, what want you?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> The affair I told you of goes ill. [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Dick</span>, -aside.</em>] There's an action out.</p> - -<p><em>Dick</em>. The Devil there is!</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> What news brings <em>Brass</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Before Gad I cannot tell, Madam; the dog will -never speak out. My Lord what-d'ye-call him waits, for -me at my lodging: Is not that it?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Yes, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Madam, I ask your pardon.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Your servant, Sir.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt <span class="antiqua">Dick</span> and <span class="antiqua">Brass</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jessamin!</em></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>She sits down.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Jessamin</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Jes.</em> Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Where's <em>Corinna</em>? Call her to me, if her father -han't lock'd her up: I want her company.</p> - -<p><em>Jes.</em> Madam, her guitar-master is with her.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Psha! she's taken up with her impertinent -Guitar-Man. <em>Flippanta</em> stays an age with that old fool, -Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>. And <em>Araminta</em>, before she can come -abroad, is so long a placing her coquet-patch, that I -must be a year without company. How insupportable -is a moment's uneasiness to a woman of spirit and -pleasure!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Flippanta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> O, art thou come at last? Pr'ythee, <em>Flippanta</em>, -learn to move a little quicker, thou know'st how impatient -I am.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Yes, when you expect money: If you had sent -me to buy a Prayer-Book, you'd have thought I had -flown.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Well, hast thou brought me any, after all?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Yes, I have brought some. There [<em>Giving her -a purse.</em>] the old hag has struck off her bill, the rest is -in that purse.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> 'Tis well; but take care, <em>Flippanta</em>, my husband -don't suspect any thing of this; 'twould vex him, -and I don't love to make him uneasy: So I would spare -him these little sort of troubles, by keeping 'em from -his knowledge.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> See the tenderness she has for him, and yet -he's always complaining of you.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> 'Tis the nature of 'em, <em>Flippanta</em>; a husband -is a growling animal.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> How exactly you define 'em!</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> O! I know 'em, <em>Flippanta</em>: though I confess -my poor wretch diverts me sometimes with his ill-humours. -I wish he wou'd quarrel with me to-day a little, -to pass away the time, for I find myself in a violent -spleen.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Why, if you please to drop yourself in his way, -six to four but he scolds one rubbers with you.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Ay, but thou know'st he's as uncertain as the -wind; and if instead of quarrelling with me, he should -chance to be fond, he'd make me as sick as a dog.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> If he's kind, you must provoke him; if he kisses -you, spit in his face.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Alas, when men are in the kissing fit, (like -lap-dogs) they take that for a favour.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Nay, then, I don't know what you'll do with him.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> I'll e'en do nothing at all with him——Flippanta.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Yawning.</em></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> My hood and scarf, and a coach to the door.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Why, whither are you going?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> I can't tell yet, but I would go spend some -money, since I have it.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Why, you want nothing that I know of.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> How aukward an objection now is that, as if -a woman of education bought things because she wanted -'em. Quality always distinguishes itself; and therefore, -as the mechanick people buy things, because they have -occasion for 'em, you see women of rank always buy -things because they have not occasion for 'em. Now, -there, <em>Flippanta</em>, you see the difference between a -woman that has breeding, and one that has none. -O ho, here's <em>Araminta</em> come at last.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Araminta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Lard, what a tedious while you have let me -expect you! I was afraid you were not well; how d'ye -do to-day?</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> As well as a woman can do, that has not slept -all night.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Methinks, Madam, you are pretty well-awake, -however.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> O, 'tis not a little thing will make a woman -of my vigour look drowsy.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> But, pr'ythee, what was't disturb'd you?</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> Not your husband, don't trouble yourself; -at least, I am not in love with him yet.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Well remember'd, I had quite forgot that -matter. I wish you much joy, you have made a noble -conquest indeed.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> But now I have subdu'd the country, pray is -it worth my keeping? You know the ground, you have -try'd it.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> A barren soil, heaven can tell.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> Yet if it were well cultivated, it would produce -something to my knowledge. Do you know 'tis in -my power to ruin this poor thing of yours? His whole -Estate is at my Service.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Cods-fish, strike him, Madam, and let my Lady -go your halves. There's no sin in plundering a -husband, so his wife has share of the booty.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> Whenever she gives me her orders, I shall be -very ready to obey 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Why, as odd a thing as such a project may -seem, <em>Araminta</em>, I believe I shall have a little serious -discourse with you about it. But, pr'ythee, tell me how -you have pass'd the night? For I am sure your mind -has been roving upon some pretty thing or other.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> Why, I have been studying all the ways my -brain could produce to plague my husband.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> No wonder indeed you look so fresh this -morning, after the satisfaction of such pleasing ideas -all night.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> Why, can a woman do less than study mischief, -when she has tumbled and toss'd herself into a -burning-fever, for want of sleep, and sees a fellow -lie snoring by her, stock-still, in a fine breathing -sweat?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Now see the difference of women's tempers: -If my dear would make but one nap of his whole life, -and only waken to make his will, I shou'd be the happiest -wife in the universe. But we'll discourse more of -these matters as we go, for I must make a <em>tour</em> among -the Shops.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> I have a coach waits at the door, we'll talk of -'em as we rattle along.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> The best place in nature, for you know a -hackney-coach is a natural enemy to a husband.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Clar.</span> and <span class="antiqua">Aram.</span></em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Flippanta <span class="antiqua">sola</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>What a pretty little pair of amiable persons are there -gone to hold a council of war together! Poor birds! -What would they do with their time, if the plaguing -their husbands did not help 'em to employment! Well, -if idleness be the root of all evil, then matrimony's -good for something, for it sets many a poor woman -to work. But here comes Miss. I hope I shall help her -into the Holy State too ere long. And when she's once -there, if she don't play her part as well as the best of -'em, I'm mistaken. Han't I lost the letter I'm to -give her?——No, here 'tis; so, now we shall see how -pure nature will work with her, for art she knows -none yet.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Corinna</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> What does my mother-in-law want with me, -<em>Flippanta</em>? They tell me, she was asking for me.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> She's just gone out, so I suppose 'twas no great -business.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Then I'll go into my chamber again.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Nay, hold a little if you please. I have some -business with you myself, of more concern than what -she had to say to you.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Make haste then, for you know my father won't -let me keep you company; he says, you'll spoil me.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I spoil you! He's an unworthy man to give -you such ill impressions of a woman of my honour.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Nay, never take it to heart, <em>Flippanta</em>, for I -don't believe a word he says. But he does so plague -me with his continual scolding, I'm almost weary of my -life.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Why, what is't he finds fault with?</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Nay, I don't know, for I never mind him; -when he has babbled for two hours together, methinks -I have heard a mill going, that's all. It does not at -all change my opinion, <em>Flippanta</em>, it only makes my -head ache.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Nay, if you can bear it so, you are not to be -pity'd so much as I thought.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Not pity'd! Why is it not a miserable thing, -such a young creature as I am should be kept in perpetual -solitude, with no other company but a parcel of -old fumbling masters to teach me geography, arithmetic, -philosophy, and a thousand useless things. Fine entertainment, -indeed, for a young maid at sixteen! methinks -one's time might be better employ'd.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Those things will improve your wit.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Fiddle-faddle; han't I wit enough already? -My mother-in-law has learn'd none of this trumpery, -and is not she as happy as the day is long?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Then you envy her, I find?</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> And well I may. Does she not do what she has -a mind to, in spite of her husband's teeth?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Look you there now [<em>Aside.</em>] if she has not already -conceived that, as the supreme blessing of life.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> I'll tell you what, <em>Flippanta</em>, if my mother-in-law -would but stand by me a little, and encourage -me, and let me keep her company, I'd rebel against -my father to-morrow, and throw all my books in the -fire. Why, he can't touch a groat of my portion; do -you know that, <em>Flippanta</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> So——I shall spoil her. [<em>Aside.</em>] Pray heaven -the girl don't debauch me.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Look you: In short, he may think what he -pleases, he may think himself wise: but thoughts are -free, and I may think in my turn. I'm but a girl, 'tis -true, and a fool too, if you believe him; but let him -know, a foolish girl may make a wise man's heart ache; -so he had as good be quiet—Now it's out——</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Very well, I love to see a young woman have -spirit, it's a sign she'll come to something.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Ah, <em>Flippanta</em>, if you wou'd but encourage me, -you'll find me quite another thing. I'm a devilish girl -in the bottom; I wish you'd but let me make one -amongst you.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> That never can be, 'till you are marry'd. Come,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> -examine your Strength a little. Do you think, you -durst venture upon a husband?</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> A husband! Why a—if you wou'd but encourage -me. Come, <em>Flippanta</em>, be a true friend now. -I'll give you advice, when I have got a little more experience. -Do you in your very conscience and soul -think I am old enough to be marry'd?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Old enough! Why you are sixteen, are you -not?</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Sixteen! I am sixteen, two months, and odd -days, woman. I keep an exact account.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> The duce you are!</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Why do you then truly and sincerely think I am -old enough?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I do, upon my faith, child.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Why then, to deal as fairly with you, <em>Flippanta</em>, -as you do with me, I have thought so any time -these three years.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Now I find you have more wit than ever I -thought you had; and to shew you what an opinion I -have of your discretion, I'll shew you a thing I thought -to have thrown in the fire.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> What is it, for <em>Jupiter</em>'s sake?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Something will make your heart chuck within -you.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> My dear <em>Flippanta</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> What do you think it is?</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> I don't know, nor I don't care, but I'm mad to -have it.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> It's a four corner'd thing.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> What, like a cardinal's cap?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> No, 'tis worth a whole conclave of 'em. How -do you like it?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Shewing the letter.</em></p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> O Lard, a letter!—--Is there ever a token -in it?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Yes, and a precious one too. There's a handsome -young gentleman's heart.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> A handsome young gentleman's heart! [<em>Aside.</em>] -Nay, then 'tis time to look grave.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> There.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> I shan't touch it.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> What's the matter now?</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> I shan't receive it.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Sure you jest.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> You'll find I don't. I understand myself better, -than to take letters, when I don't know who they are -from.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I am afraid I commended your wit too soon.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> 'Tis all one, I shan't touch it, unless I know -who it comes from.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Hey-day, open it, and you'll see.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Indeed I shall not.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Well——then I must return it where I had it.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> That won't serve your turn, madam. My father -must have an account of this.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Sure you are not in earnest?</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> You'll find I am.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> So, here's fine work. This 'tis to deal with -girls before they come to know the distinction of sexes.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Confess who you had it from, and perhaps, for -this once, I mayn't tell my father.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Why then, since it must out, 'twas the Colonel: -But why are you so scrupulous, madam?</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Because if it had come from any body else——I -would not have given a farthing for it.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Twitching it eagerly out of her hand.</em></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Ah, my dear little rogue! [<em>Kissing her.</em>] You -frighten'd me out of my wits.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Let me read it, let me read it, let me read it, -let me read it, I say. Um, um, um, <em>Cupid</em>'s um, um, -um, <em>Darts</em>, um, um, um, <em>Beauty</em>, um, <em>Charms</em>, um, -um, um, <em>Angel</em>, um, <em>Goddess</em>, um—[<em>Kissing the letter.</em>]—um, -um, um, um, <em>truest Lover</em>, hum, um, <em>Eternal Constancy</em>, -um, um, um, <em>Cruel</em>, um, um, um, <em>Racks</em>, um, um, -<em>Tortures</em>, um, um, <em>fifty Daggers</em>, um, um, <em>bleeding Heart</em>, -um, um, <em>dead Man</em>.</p> - -<p>Very well, a mighty civil letter, I promise you; not -one smutty word in it: I'll go lock it up in my -comb-box.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Well—but what does he say to you?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Not a word of news, <em>Flippanta</em>, 'tis all about -business.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Does he not tell you he's in love with you?</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Ay, but he told me that before.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> How so? He never spoke to you.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> He sent me word by his eyes.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Did he so? mighty well. I thought you had -been to learn that language.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> O, but you thought wrong, <em>Flippanta</em>. What, -because I don't go a visiting, and see the world, you -think I know nothing. But you should consider, <em>Flippanta</em>, -that the more one's alone, the more one thinks; -and 'tis thinking that improves a girl. I'll have you -to know, when I was younger than I am now, by more -than I'll boast of, I thought of things would have made -you stare again.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Well, since you are so well versed in your business, -I suppose I need not inform you, that if you don't -write your gallant an answer—he'll die.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Nay, now, <em>Flippanta</em>, I confess you tell me -something I did not know before. Do you speak in -serious sadness? Are men given to die, if their mistresses -are sour to 'em?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Um——I can't say they all die——No, I can't -say they all do; but truly, I believe it wou'd go very -hard with the Colonel.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Lard, I would not have my hands in blood for -thousands; and therefore, <em>Flippanta</em>,——if you'll encourage -me——</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> O, by all means an answer.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Well, since you say it then, I'll e'en in and do -it, tho' I protest to you (lest you should think me too -forward now) he's the only man that wears a beard, I'd -ink my fingers for. May be, if I marry him, in a year -or two's time I mayn't be so nice.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Corinna</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Flippanta <span class="antiqua">sola</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Now heaven give him joy: he's like to have a rare -wife o'thee. But where there's money, a man has a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span> -plaister to his sore. They have a blessed time on't, who -marry for love. See!—here comes an example——<em>Araminta</em>'s -dread lord.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Money-trap</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Ah, <em>Flippanta</em>! How do you do, good <em>Flippanta</em>! -How do you do?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Thank you, Sir, well, at your service.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> And how does the good family, your master, -and your fair mistress? Are they at home?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Neither of them; my master has been gone out -these two hours, and my lady is just gone with your -wife.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Well, I won't say I have lost my labour however, -as long as I have met with you, <em>Flippanta</em>. For -I have wish'd a great while for an opportunity to talk -with you a little. You won't take it amiss, if I should -ask you a few questions?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Provided you leave me to my liberty in my -answers. What's this Cot-quean going to pry into -now?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Pr'ythee, good <em>Flippanta</em>, how do your master -and mistress live together?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Live! Why—like man and wife, generally out -of humour, quarrel often, seldom agree, complain of -one another; and perhaps have both reason. In short, -'tis much as 'tis at your house.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Good-lack! but whose side are you generally -of?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> O' the right side always, my lady's. And if -you'll have me give you my opinion of these matters, -Sir, I do not think a husband can ever be in the right.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Ha!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Little, peeking, creeping, sneaking, stingy, -covetous, cowardly, dirty, cuckoldy things.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Ha!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Fit for nothing but taylors and dry-nurses.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Ha!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> A dog in a manger, snarling and biting, to -starve gentlemen with good stomachs.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Ha!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> A centry upon pleasure, set to be a plague on -lovers, and damn poor women before their time.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> A husband is indeed——</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Sir, I say he is nothing——A beetle without -wings, a windmill without sails, a ship in a calm.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Ha!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> A bag without money——an empty bottle——dead -small beer.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Ha!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> A quack without drugs.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Ha!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> A lawyer without knavery.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Ha!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> A courtier without flattery.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Ha!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> A king without an army——or a people with -one. Have I drawn him, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Why truly, <em>Flippanta</em>, I can't deny but there -are some general lines of resemblance. But you know -there may be exceptions.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Hark you, Sir, shall I deal plainly with you? -Had I got a husband, I wou'd put him in mind, that he -was marry'd as well as I.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i22">Sings.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>For were I the thing call'd a wife,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>And my fool grew too fond of his pow'r,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He shou'd look like an ass all his life,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>For a prank that I'd play him in an hour.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p>Tol lol la ra tol lol, <em>&c.</em>—Do you observe that, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> I do: and think you wou'd be in the right on't. -But, pr'ythee, why dost not give this advice to thy -mistress?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> For fear it should go round to your wife, Sir, -for you know they are play-fellows.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> O, there's no danger of my wife; she knows -I'm none of those husbands.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Are you sure she knows that, Sir?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> I'm sure she ought to know it, <em>Flippanta</em>, for -really I have but four faults in the world.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> And, pray what may they be?</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Why I'm a little slovenly, I shift but once a -week.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Fough!</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> I am sometimes out of humour.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Provoking!</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> I don't give her so much money as she'd have.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Insolent!</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> And a——perhaps I mayn't be quite so young -as I was.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> The devil!</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> O, but then consider how 'tis on her side, -<em>Flippanta</em>. She ruins me with washing, is always out -of humour, ever wanting money, and will never be -older.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> That last article, I must confess, is a little hard -upon you.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Ah, <em>Flippanta</em>, didst thou but know the daily -provocations I have, thoud'st be the first to excuse my -faults. But now I think on't——Thou art none of my -friend, thou dost not love me at all; no, not at all.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> And whither is this little reproach going to lead -us now?</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> You have power over your fair mistress, <em>Flippanta</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Sir!</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> But what then? You hate me.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I understand you not.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> There's not a moment's trouble her naughty -husband gives her, but I feel it too.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I don't know what you mean.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> If she did but know what part I take in her -sufferings——</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Mighty obscure.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Well, I'll say no more; but——</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> All Hebrew.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> If thou wou'dst but tell her on't.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Still darker and darker.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> I should not be ungrateful.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Ah, now I begin to understand you.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> <em>Flippanta</em>—there's my purse.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Say no more; now you explain, indeed——You -are in love?</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Bitterly—and I do swear by all the Gods——</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Hold——Spare 'em for another time, you stand -in no need of 'em now. A usurer that parts with his -purse, gives sufficient proof of his sincerity.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> I hate my wife, <em>Flippanta</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> That we'll take upon your bare word.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> She's the devil, <em>Flippanta</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> You like your neighbour's better.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Oh!—--an angel.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> What pity it is the law don't allow trucking!</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> If it did, <em>Flippanta</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> But since it don't, Sir——keep the reins upon -your passion: Don't let your flame rage too high, lest -my lady shou'd be cruel, and it should dry you up to a -mummy.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> 'Tis impossible she can be so barbarous, to let -me die. Alas, <em>Flippanta</em>, a very small matter wou'd -save my life.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Then y'are dead—for we women never grant -any thing to a man who will be satisfied with a little.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Dear <em>Flippanta</em>, that was only my modesty; but -since you'll have it out——I am a very dragon; and so -your lady'll find——if ever she thinks fit to be——Now -I hope you'll stand my friend.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Well, Sir, as far as my credit goes, it shall be -employ'd in your service.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> My best <em>Flippanta</em>—tell her—I'm all hers—tell -her—my body's hers—tell her—my soul's hers—and -tell her—my estate's hers. Lord have mercy upon -me, how I'm in love!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Poor man! what a sweat he's in! But hark—I -hear my master; for heaven's sake compose yourself a -little; you are in such a fit, o' my conscience he'll smell -you out.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Ah dear, I'm in such an emotion, I dare not -be seen; put me in this closet for a moment.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Closet, man! it's too little, your love wou'd -stifle you. Go air yourself in the garden a little, you -have need on't, i'faith.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>She puts him out.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Flippanta</span> sola.</em> -</p> - -<p>A rare adventure, by my troth. This will be curious -news to the wives. Fortune has now put their husbands -into their hands, and I think they are too sharp to -neglect its favours.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Gripe</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> O, here's the right hand; the rest of the body -can't be far off. Where's my wife, huswife?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> An admirable question!—--Why, she's gone -abroad, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Abroad, abroad, abroad already? Why, she -uses to be stewing in her bed three hours after this time, -as late as 'tis: What makes her gadding so soon?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Business, I suppose.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Business! she has a pretty head for business -truly: O ho, let her change her way of living, or I'll -make her change a light heart for a heavy one.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> And why would you have her change her way of -living, Sir? You see it agrees with her. She never -look'd better in her life.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Don't tell me of her looks, I have done with -her looks long since. But I'll make her change her -life, or——</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Indeed. Sir, you won't.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Why, what shall hinder me, insolence?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> That which hinders most husbands; contradiction.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Suppose I resolve I won't be contradicted?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Suppose she resolves you shall?</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> A wife's resolution is not good by law.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Nor a husband's by custom.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> I tell thee I will not bear it.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I tell you, Sir, you will bear it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Oons, I have borne it three years already.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> By that you see 'tis but giving your mind to it.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> My mind to it! Death and the devil! My -mind to it!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Look ye, Sir, you may swear and damn, and -call the furies to assist you! but 'till you apply the remedy -to the right place, you'll never cure the disease. You -fancy you have got an extravagant wife, is't not so?</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Pr'ythee change me that word fancy, and it -is so.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Why there's it. Men are strangely troubled -with the vapours of late. You'll wonder now if I tell -you, you have the most reasonable wife in town: And -that all the disorders you think you see in her, are only -here, here, here, in your own head.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Thumping his forehead.</em></p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> She is then, in thy opinion, a reasonable -woman?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> By my faith, I think so.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> I shall run mad—Name me an extravagance -in the world she is not guilty of.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Name me an extravagance in the world she is -guilty of.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Come then: Does not she put the whole house -in disorder?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Not that I know of, for she never comes into it -but to sleep.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> 'Tis very well: Does she employ any one -moment of her life in the government of her family?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> She is so submissive a wife, she leaves it entirely -to you.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Admirable! Does she not spend more money -in coach-hire, and chair-hire, than would maintain six -children?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> She's too nice of your credit to be seen daggling -in the streets.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Good! Do I set eye on her sometimes in a -week together?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> That, Sir, is because you are never stirring at -the same time; you keep odd hours; you are always<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> -going to bed when she's rising, and rising just when she's -coming to bed.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Yes, truly, night into day, and day into night, -bawdy-house play, that's her trade; but these are -trifles: Has she not lost her diamond necklace? Answer -me to that, Trapes.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Yes; and has sent as many tears after it, as if -it had been her husband.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Ah——the pox take her; but enough. 'Tis -resolv'd, and I will put a stop to the course of her life, -or I will put a stop to the course of her blood, and so -she shall know, the first time I meet with her; [<em>Aside.</em>] -which tho' we are man and wife, and lie under one -roof, 'tis very possible may not be this fortnight.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Gripe</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Flippanta</span> sola.</em> -</p> - -<p>Nay, thou hast a blessed time on't, that must be confess'd. -What a miserable devil is a husband! Insupportable -to himself, and a plague to every thing about -them. Their wives do by them, as children do by dogs, -teaze and provoke 'em, 'till they make them so curs'd, -they snarl and bite at every thing that comes in their -reach. This wretch here is grown perverse to that -degree, he's for his wife's keeping home, and making -hell of his house, so he may be the devil in it to torment -her. How niggardly soever he is of all things he -possesses, he is willing to purchase her misery at the expence -of his own peace. But he'd as good be still, for -he'll miss of his aim. If I know her (which I think I -do) she'll set his blood in such a ferment, it shall bubble -out at every pore of him; whilst hers is so quiet in her -veins, her pulse shall go like a pendulum.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_III" id="ACT_III"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> III.</a></h3> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Mrs.</em> Amlet's <em>House</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Dick</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p class="drop-capw"><span class="smcap">Where</span>'s this old woman?——A hey. What -the devil, nobody at home? Ha! her strong -box!—--And the key in't! 'tis so. Now fortune be -my friend. What the duce——Not a penny of money -in cash!—--Nor a chequer note!—--Nor a Bank bill——[<em>Searching -the strong box.</em>]——Nor a crooked stick! Nor -a——Mum——here's something——A diamond necklace, -by all the Gods! Oons the old woman——Zest.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Claps the necklace in his pocket, then runs and asks her -blessing.</em>]</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Amlet</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>----Pray mother, pray to, <em>&c.</em></p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Is it possible!—--<em>Dick</em> upon his humble knee! -Ah my dear child!—--May heaven be good unto thee.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> I'm come, my dear mother, to pay my duty to -you, and to ask your consent to——</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> What a shape is there!</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> To ask your consent, I say, to marry a great -fortune; for what is riches in this world without a -blessing? And how can there be a blessing without respect -and duty to parents?</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> What a nose he has!</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> And therefore it being the duty of every good -child not to dispose of himself in marriage, without -the——</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Now the Lord love thee [<em>Kissing him.</em>]——for -thou art a goodly young man: Well, Dick——And how -goes it with the lady? Are her eyes open to thy -charms? Does she see what's for her own good? Is she<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> -sensible of the blessings thou hast in store for her? Ha! -is all sure? Hast thou broke a piece of money with her? -Speak, bird, do: Don't be modest, and hide thy love -from thy mother, for I'm an indulgent parent.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Nothing under heaven can prevent my good -fortune, but its being discover'd I'm your son——</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Then thou art still asham'd of thy natural mother.—Graceless! -Why, I'm no whore, sirrah.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> I know you are not——A whore! Bless us -all——</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> No; My reputation's as good as the best of 'em; -and tho' I'm old, I'm chaste, you rascal you.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Lord, that is not the thing we talk of, mother; -but——</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> I think, as the world goes, they may be proud -of marrying their daughter into a vartuous family.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Oons, vartue is not the case——</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Where she may have a good example before her -eyes.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> O Lord! O Lord! O Lord!</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> I'm a woman that don't so much as encourage -an incontinent look towards me.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> I tell you, 'sdeath, I tell you——</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> If a man shou'd make an uncivil motion to me, -I'd spit in his lascivious face: And all this you may tell -them, sirrah.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Death and furies! the woman's out of her—</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Don't you swear, you rascal you, don't you -swear; we shall have thee damn'd at last, and then I shall -be disgrac'd.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Why then in cold blood hear me speak to you: -I tell you it's a city-fortune I'm about, she cares not a -fig for your virtue; she'll hear of nothing but quality: -She has quarrell'd with one of her friends for having a -better complexion, and is resolved she'll marry, to take -place of her.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> What a cherry lip is there!</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Therefore, good dear mother, now have a care -and don't discover me; for if you do, all's lost.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Dear, dear, how thy fair bride will be delighted: -Go, get thee gone, go: Go fetch her home, go fetch -her home; I'll give her a sack-posset, and a pillow -of down she shall lay her head upon. Go fetch her home, -I say.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Take care then of the main chance, my dear -mother; remember, if you discover me——</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Go, fetch her home, I say.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> You promise me then——</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> March.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> But swear to me——</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Be gone, sirrah.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Well, I'll rely upon you—But one kiss before -I go.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Kisses her heartily, and runs off.</em></p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Now the Lord love thee! for thou art a comfortable -young man.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Amlet</span>.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, Gripe's <em>House</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Corinna</span> and <span class="antiqua">Flippanta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> But hark you, <em>Flippanta</em>, if you don't think he -loves me dearly, don't give him my letter, after all.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Let me alone.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> When he has read it, let him give it you again.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Don't trouble yourself.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> And not a word of the pudding to my mother-in-law.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Enough.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> When we come to love one another to the purpose, -she shall know all.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Ay, then 'twill be time.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> But remember 'tis you make me do all this now, -so if any mischief comes on't, 'tis you must answer for't.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I'll be your security.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> I'm young, and know nothing of the matter; -but you have experience, so it's your business to conduct -me safe.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Poor innocence!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> But tell me in serious sadness, <em>Flippanta</em>, does he -love me with the very soul of him?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I have told you so an hundred times, and yet -you are not satisfied.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> But, methinks, I'd fain have him tell me so -himself.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Have patience, and it shall be done.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Why, patience is a virtue; that we must all confess——But -I fancy, the sooner it's done the better, -<em>Flippanta</em>.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Jessamin</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Jess.</em> Madam, yonder's your Geography-Master waiting -for you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Ah! how I am tir'd with these old fumbling -fellows, <em>Flippanta</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Well, don't let 'em break your heart, you shall -be rid of them all ere long.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Nay, 'tis not the study I'm so weary of, <em>Flippanta</em>, -'tis the odious thing that teaches me. Were the -Colonel my master, I fancy I could take pleasure in -learning every thing he could shew me.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> And he can shew you a great deal, I can tell you -that. But get you gone in, here's somebody coming, we -must not be seen together.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> I will, I will, I will——O the dear Colonel.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Running off.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Amlet</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> O ho, it's Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>——What brings you so -soon to us again, Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Ah! my dear Mrs. <em>Flippanta</em>, I'm in a furious -fright.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Why, what's come to you?</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Ah! Mercy on us all——Madam's diamond -necklace——</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> What of that?</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Are you sure you left it at my house?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Sure I left it! a very pretty question truly!</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Nay, don't be angry; say nothing to madam<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> -of it, I beseech you: It will be found again, if it be -heaven's good will. At least 'tis I must bear the loss -on't. 'Tis my rogue of a son has laid his birdlime -fingers on't.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Your son, Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>! Do you breed your -children up to such tricks as these then?</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> What shall I say to you, Mrs. <em>Flippanta</em>? Can -I help it? He has been a rogue from his cradle, <em>Dick</em> -has. But he has his deserts too. And now it comes -in my head, mayhap he may have no ill design in this -neither.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> No ill design, woman! He's a pretty fellow if -he can steal a diamond necklace with a good one.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> You don't know him, Mrs. <em>Flippanta</em>, so well -as I that bore him. <em>Dick</em>'s a rogue, 'tis true, but——Mum——</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> What does the woman mean?</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Hark you, Mrs. <em>Flippanta</em>, is not here a young -gentlewoman in your house that wants a husband?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Why do you ask?</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> By way of conversation only, it does not concern -me; but when she marries I may chance to dance at -the wedding. Remember I tell you so: I who am but -Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> You dance at her wedding! you!</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Yes, I, I; but don't trouble madam about her -necklace, perhaps it mayn't go out of the family. Adieu, -Mrs. <em>Flippanta</em>.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Amlet</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> What—what—what does the woman mean? -Mad! What a capilotade of a story's here? The -necklace lost; and her son Dick; and a fortune to marry; -and she shall dance at the wedding; and——She does -not intend, I hope, to propose a match between her son -<em>Dick</em> and <em>Corinna</em>! By my conscience I believe she does. -An old beldam!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Brass</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Well, hussy, how stand our affairs? Has miss -writ us an answer yet? My master's very impatient -yonder.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> And why the duce does he not come himself? -What does he send such idle fellows as thee of his errands? -Here I had her alone just now: He won't have -such an opportunity again this month, I can tell him -that.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> So much the worse for him; 'tis his business——But -now, my dear, let thee and I talk a little -of our own: I grow most damnably in love with thee; -dost hear that?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Phu! thou art always timeing things wrong; -my head is full, at present, of more important things -than love.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Then it's full of important things indeed: Dost -want a privy-counsellor?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I want an assistant.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> To do what?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Mischief.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> I'm thy man——touch.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> But before I venture to let thee into my project, -pr'ythee tell me, whether thou find'st a natural disposition -to ruin a husband to oblige his wife?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Is she handsome?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Yes.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Why then my disposition's at her service.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> She's beholden to thee.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Not she alone neither, therefore don't let her -grow vain upon't; for I have three or four affairs of -that kind going at this time.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Well, go carry this epistle from miss to thy -master; and when thou com'st back, I'll tell thee thy -business.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> I'll know it before I go, if you please.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Thy master waits for an answer.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> I'd rather he should wait than I.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Why then, in short, <em>Araminta</em>'s husband is in -love with my lady.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Very well, child, we have a <em>Rowland</em> for her -<em>Oliver</em>: Thy lady's husband is in love with <em>Araminta</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Who told you that, sirrah?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> 'Tis a negociation I am charged with, Pert.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> -Did not I tell thee I did business for half the town? I -have managed Master <em>Gripe</em>'s little affairs for him these -ten years, you slut you.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Hark thee, <em>Brass</em>, the game's in our hands, if -we can but play the cards.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Pique and repique, you jade you, if the wives -will fall into a good intelligence.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Let them alone; I'll answer for them they don't -slip the occasion.——See here they come. They little -think what a piece of good news we have for 'em.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Clarissa</span> and <span class="antiqua">Araminta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> <em>Jessamin</em>! here, boy, carry up these things into -my dressing-room, and break as many of them by the -way as you can, be sure.——O! art thou there, <em>Brass</em>! -What news?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Madam, I only call'd in as I was going by——But -some little propositions Mrs. <em>Flippanta</em> has been -starting have kept me here to offer your ladyship my -humble service.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> What propositions?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> She'll acquaint you, madam.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> Is there any thing new, <em>Flippanta</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Yes, and pretty too.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> That follows of course, but let's have it quick.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Why, Madam, you have made a conquest.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Hussy——But of who? quick.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Of Mr. <em>Money-trap</em>, that's all.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> My husband?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Yes, your husband, Madam: You thought fit -to corrupt ours, so now we are even with you.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> Sure thou art in jest, <em>Flippanta</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Serious as my devotions.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> And the cross intrigue, ladies, is what our -brains have been at work about.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> My dear!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>To <span class="antiqua">Clarissa</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> My life!</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> My angel!</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> My soul!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Hugging one another.</em></p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> The stars have done this.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> The pretty little twinklers.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> And what will you do for them now?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> What grateful creatures ought; shew 'em we -don't despise their favours.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> But is not this a wager between these two -blockheads?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> I would not give a shilling to go the winner's -halves.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> Then 'tis the most fortunate thing that ever -cou'd have happen'd.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> All your last night's ideas, <em>Araminta</em>, were -trifles to it.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> <em>Brass</em>, my dear, will be useful to us.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> At your service, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> <em>Flippanta</em> will be necessary, my life!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> She waits your commands, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> For my part then, I recommend my husband -to thee, <em>Flippanta</em>, and make it my earnest request thou -won't leave him one half-crown.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I'll do all I can to obey you, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Clarissa</span>.</em>] If your ladyship wou'd give me -the same kind orders for yours.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> O——if thou spar'st him, <em>Brass</em>, I'm thy -enemy till I die.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> 'Tis enough, Madam, I'll be sure to give you -a reasonable account of him. But how do you intend -we shall proceed, ladies? Must we storm the purse at -once, or break ground in form, and carry it by little -and little?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Storm, dear <em>Brass</em>, storm: ever whilst you live, -storm.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> O by all means; must it not be so, <em>Flippanta</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> In four and twenty hours, two hundred pounds -a-piece, that's my sentence.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Very well. But, ladies, you'll give me leave -to put you in mind of some little expence in favours, -'twill be necessary you are at, to these honest gentlemen.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> Favours, <em>Brass</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Um——a——some small matters, Madam, I -doubt must be.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Now that's a vile article, <em>Araminta</em>; for that -thing your husband is so like mine——</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Phu, there's a scruple, indeed. Pray, Madam, -don't be so squeamish; tho' the meat be a little flat, -we'll find you savoury sauce to it.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> This wench is so mad.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Why, what in the name of <em>Lucifer</em>, is it you -have to do, that's so terrible?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> A civil look only.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> There's no great harm in that.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> An obliging word.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> That one may afford 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> A little smile, <em>a propos</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> That's but giving one's self an air.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Receive a little letter, perhaps.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Women of quality do that from fifty odious -fellows.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Suffer, may be, a squeeze by the hand.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> One's so us'd to that, one does not feel it.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Or if a kiss wou'd do't?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> I'd die first.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Indeed, ladies, I doubt 'twill be necessary to—</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Get their wretched money without paying so -dear for it.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Well, just as you please for that, my ladies: -But I suppose you'll play upon the square with your -favours, and not pique yourselves upon being one more -grateful than another.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> And state a fair account of receipts and disbursements.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> That I think should be, indeed.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> With all my heart, and <em>Brass</em> shall be our -book-keeper. So get thee to work, man, as fast as thou -canst: but not a word of all this to my master.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> I'll observe my orders, Madam.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Brass</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> I'll have the pleasure of telling him myself; -he'll be violently delighted with it: 'tis the best -man in the world, <em>Araminta</em>; he'll bring us rare company -to-morrow, all sorts of gamesters; and thou shalt see my -husband will be such a beast to be out of humour at it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> The monster——But hush, here's my dear -approaching; pr'ythee let's leave him to <em>Flippanta</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Ah, pray do, I'll bring you a good account of -him, I'll warrant you.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Dispatch then, for the basset-table's in haste.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Clar.</span> and <span class="antiqua">Aram.</span></em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Flippanta</span> sola.</em> -</p> - -<p>So, now have at him; here he comes: We'll try if we -can pillage the usurer, as he does other folks.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Money-trap</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Well, my pretty <em>Flippanta</em>, is thy mistress come -home?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Yes, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> And where is she, pr'ythee?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Gone abroad, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> How dost mean?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I mean right, Sir; my lady'll come home and -go abroad ten times in an hour, when she's either in very -good humour, or very bad.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Good lack! But I'll warrant, in general, 'tis -her naughty husband that makes her house uneasy to her. -But hast thou said a little something to her, chicken, for -an expiring lover? ha!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Said——yes, I have said, much good may it do -me.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Well! and how?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> And how!—--And how do you think you -would have me do't? And you have such a way with you, -one can refuse you nothing. But I have brought myself -into a fine business by it.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Good lack:——But, I hope, <em>Flippanta</em>—</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Yes, your hopes will do much, when I am turn'd -out of doors.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Was she then terrible angry?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Oh! had you seen how she flew, when she saw -where I was pointing; for you must know I went round -the bush and round the bush, before I came to the -matter.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Nay, 'tis a ticklish point, that must be own'd.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> On my word is it——I mean where a lady's -truly virtuous; for that's our case you must know.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> A very dangerous case indeed.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> But I can tell you one thing——she has an inclination -to you.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Is it possible!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Yes, and I told her so at last.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Well, and what did she answer thee?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Slap——and bid me bring it you for a token.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Giving him a slap on the face.</em></p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> And you have lost none on't by the way, with -a pox t'ye.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Now this, I think, looks the best in the world.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Yea, but really it feels a little oddly.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Why, you must know, ladies have different -ways of expressing their kindness, according to the humour -they are in: if she had been in a good one, it had -been a kiss; but as long as she sent you something, your -affairs go well.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Why, truly, I am a little ignorant in the mysterious -parts of love, so I must be guided by thee. But -pr'ythee take her in a good humour next token she -sends me.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Ah——good humour?</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> What's the matter?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Poor lady!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Ha!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> If I durst tell you all——</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> What then?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> You would not expect to see her in one a good -while.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Why, I pray?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I must own I did take an unseasonable time to talk -of love-matters to her.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Why, what's the matter?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Nothing.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Nay, pr'ythee tell me.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I dare not.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> You must indeed.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Why, when women are in difficulties, how can -they think of pleasure?</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Why, what difficulties can she be in?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Nay, I do but guess after all; for she has that -grandeur of soul, she'd die before she'd tell.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> But what dost thou suspect?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Why, what should one suspect, where a husband -loves nothing but getting of money, and a wife nothing -but spending on't?</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> So she wants that same, then?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I say no such thing, I know nothing of the matter; -pray make no wrong interpretation of what I say, -my Lady wants nothing that I know of. 'Tis true——she -has had ill luck at cards of late, I believe she has not -won once this month: but what of that?</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Ha!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> 'Tis true, I know her spirit's that she'd see her -husband hanged before she'd ask him for a farthing.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Ha!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> And then I know him again, he'd see her drown'd -before he'd give her a farthing; but that's a help to -your affair, you know.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> 'Tis so, indeed.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Ah——well, I'll say nothing; but if she had -none of these things to fret her——</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Why really, <em>Flippanta</em>——</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I know what you are going to say now; you -are going to offer your service, but 'twon't do; you -have a mind to play the gallant now, but it must not -be; you want to be shewing your liberality, but 'twon't -be allowed; you'll be pressing me to offer it, and she'll -be in a rage. We shall have the Devil to do.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> You mistake me, <em>Flippanta</em>, I was only going to -say——</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Ay, I know what you were going to say well -enough; but I tell you it will never do so. If one cou'd -find out some way now——ay——let me see——</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Indeed I hope——</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Pray be quiet——no——but I'm thinking——hum——she'll -smoke that tho'——let us consider—<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span>If -one you'd find a way to——'Tis the nicest point in -the world to bring about, she'll never touch it, if she -knows from whence it comes.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Shall I try if I can reason her husband out of -twenty pounds, to make her easy the rest of her life?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Twenty pounds, man?——why you shall see her -set that upon a card. O——she has a great soul.——Besides, -if her husband should oblige her, it might, in -time, take off her aversion to him, and by consequence, -her inclination to you. No, no, it must never come that -way.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> What shall we do then?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Hold still——I have it. I'll tell you what you -shall do.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Ay.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> You shall make her a restitution of two hundred -pounds.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Ha! Restitution!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Yes, yes, 'tis the luckiest thought in the world; -Madam often plays, you know, and folks who do so, -meet now and then with sharpers. Now you shall be a -sharper.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> A sharper!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Ay, ay, a sharper; and having cheated her of -two hundred pounds, shall be troubled in mind, and -send it her back again. You comprehend me?</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Yes, I comprehend, but a——won't she suspect -if it be so much?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> No, no, the more the better.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Two hundred pounds!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Yes, two hundred pounds——Or let me see——so -even a sum may look a little suspicious——ay——let -it be two hundred and thirty; that odd thirty -will make it look so natural, the devil won't find it out.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Ha!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Pounds, too, look I don't know how; guineas -I fancy were better——ay, guineas, it shall be guineas. -You are of that mind, are you not?</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Um——a guinea, you know, <em>Flippanta</em>, is—</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> A thousand times genteeler, you are certainly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> -in the right on't; it shall be as you say, two hundred -and thirty guineas.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Ho——well, if it must be guineas, let's see, -two hundred guineas.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> And thirty; two hundred and thirty: If you -mistake the sum, you spoil all. So go put them in a -purse, while it's fresh in your head, and send 'em to me -with a penitential letter, desiring I'll do you the favour -to restore them to her.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Two hundred and thirty pounds in a bag!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Guineas, I say, guineas.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Ay, guineas, that's true. But <em>Flippanta</em>, if she -don't know they come from me, then I give my money -for nothing, you know.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Phu, leave that to me, I'll manage the flock for -you; I'll make it produce something I'll warrant you.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Well, <em>Flippanta</em>, 'tis a great sum indeed; but -I'll go try what I can do for her. You say, two hundred -guineas in a purse?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> And thirty; if the man's in his senses.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> And thirty, 'tis true, I always forget that thirty.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Money-trap</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> So, get thee gone, thou art a rare fellow, -i'faith. Brass!—--it's thee, is't not?</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Brass</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> It is, Huswife. How go matters? I staid till -thy gentleman was gone. Hast done any thing towards -our common purse?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I think I have; he's going to make us a restitution -of two or three hundred pounds.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> A restitution!—--good.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> A new way, sirrah, to make a lady take a present -without putting her to the blush.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> 'Tis very well, mighty well indeed. Pr'ythee -where's thy master? let me try if I can perswade him to -be troubled in mind too.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Not so hasty; he's gone into his closet to prepare -himself for a quarrel, I have advis'd him to——with -his wife.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> What to do?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Why to make her stay at home, now she has resolved -to do it beforehand. You must know, sirrah, we -intend to make a merit of our basset table, and get a -good pretence for the merry companions we intend to fill -his house with.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Very nicely spun, truly, thy husband will be a -happy man.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Hold your tongue, you fool you. See here comes -your master.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> He's welcome.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Dick</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> My dear <em>Flippanta</em>! how many thanks have I to -pay thee?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Do you like her style?</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> The kindest little rogue! there's nothing but -she gives me leave to hope. I am the happiest man the -world has in its care.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Not so happy as you think for neither, perhaps; -you have a rival, Sir, I can tell you that.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> A rival!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Yes, and a dangerous one too.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Who in the name of terror?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> A devilish fellow, one Mr. <em>Amlet</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> <em>Amlet</em>! I know no such man.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> You know the man's mother tho'; you met her -here, and are in her favour, I can tell you. If he worst -you, in your mistress, you shall e'en marry her and disinherit -him.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> If I have no other rival but Mr. <em>Amlet</em>, I believe -I shan't be disturb'd in my amour. But can't I -see <em>Corinna</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I don't know, she has always some of her masters -with her: but I'll go and see if she can spare you a moment, -and bring you word.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Flippanta</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> I wish my old hobbling mother han't been -blabbing something here she should not do.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Fear nothing, all's safe on that side yet. But, -how speaks young mistress's epistle? soft and tender?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> As pen can write.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> So you think all goes well there?</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> As my heart can wish.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> You are sure on't?</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Sure on't!</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Why then, ceremony aside, [<em>Putting on his hat.</em>] -You and I must have a little talk, Mr. <em>Amlet</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Ah, <em>Brass</em>, what art thou going to do? Wou't -ruin me?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Look you, <em>Dick</em>, few words; you are in a -smooth way of making your fortune. I hope all will -roll on. But how do you intend matters shall pass 'twixt -you and me in this business?</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Death and Furies! What a time dost take to -talk on't?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Good words, or I betray you; they have already -heard of one Mr. <em>Amlet</em> in the house.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Here's a son of a whore!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> In short, look smooth, and be a good prince: -I am your valet, 'tis true: your footman sometimes, -which I'm enrag'd at; but you have always had the -ascendant, I confess: when we were school-fellows, you -made me carry your books, make your exercise, own -your rogueries, and sometimes take a whipping for -you. When we were fellow-prentices, tho' I was your -senior, you made me open the shop, clean my master's -shoes, cut last at dinner, and eat all the crust. In -our sins too, I must own you still kept me under; you -soar'd up to adultery with our mistress, while I was at -humble fornication with the maid. Nay, in our punishments -you still made good your post: for when -once upon a time I was sentenced but to be whipp'd, -I cannot deny but you were condemn'd to be hang'd. -So that in all times, I must confess, your inclinations -have been greater and nobler than mine; however, -I cannot consent that you shou'd at once fix fortune -for life, and I dwell in my humilities for the rest of -my days.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Hark thee, <em>Brass</em>, if I do not most nobly by -thee, I'm a dog.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> And when?</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> As soon as ever I am married.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Ah, the pox take thee.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Then you mistrust me?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> I do by my faith. Look you, Sir, some -folks we mistrust, because we don't know them; others -we mistrust, because we do know them: and for one -of these reasons I desire there may be a bargain beforehand: -If not [<em>Raising his voice.</em>] look ye <em>Dick -Amlet</em>——</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Soft, my dear friend and companion. The -dog will ruin me. [<em>Aside.</em>] Say, what is't will content -thee?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> O ho!</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> But how canst thou be such a barbarian?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> I learnt it at <em>Algiers</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Come, make thy <em>Turkish</em> demand then.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> You know you gave me a bank-bill this morning -to receive for you.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> I did so, of fifty pounds, 'tis thine. So, now -thou are satisfy'd, all's fix'd.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> It is not indeed. There's a diamond necklace -you robb'd your mother of ev'n now.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Ah, you <em>Jew</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> No words.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> My dear <em>Brass</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> I insist.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> My old friend.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> <em>Dick Amlet</em> [<em>Raising his voice.</em>] I insist.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Ah the Cormorant——Well, 'tis thine: but -thou'lt never thrive with it.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> When I find it begins to do me mischief, I'll -give it you again. But I must have a wedding-suit.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Well.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Some good lace.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Thou shalt.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> A stock of linen.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Enough.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Not yet——a silver sword.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Well, thou shalt have that too. Now thou hast -every thing.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> God forgive me, I forgot a ring of remembrance; -I wou'd not forget all these favours for the -world: a sparkling diamond I will be always playing in -my eye, and put me in mind of them.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> This unconscionable rogue! [<em>Aside.</em>] Well, -I'll bespeak one for thee.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Brilliant.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> It shall. But if the thing don't succeed after -all?——</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> I'm a man of honour, and restore: and so -the treaty being finish'd, I strike my flag of defiance, -and fall into my respects again.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Taking off his hat.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Flippanta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I have made you wait a little, but I cou'd not -help it, her master is but just gone. He has been shewing -her Prince <em>Eugene</em>'s march into <em>Italy</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Pr'ythee let me come to her, I'll shew her a -part of the world he has never shewn her yet.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> So I told her, you must know; and she said, -she cou'd like to travel in good company: so if you'll -slip up those back-stairs, you shall try if you can agree -upon the journey.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> My dear <em>Flippanta</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> None of your dear acknowledgments, I beseech -you, but up stairs as hard as you can drive.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> I'm gone.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Dick</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> And do you follow him <em>Jack-a-dandy</em>, and see he -is not surpriz'd.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> I thought that was your post, Mrs. <em>Useful</em>: -But if you'll come and keep me in humour, I don't care -if I share the duty with you.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> No words, sirrah, but follow him, I have somewhat -else to do.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> The jade's so absolute there's no contesting -with her. One kiss tho' to keep the centinel warm. -[<em>Gives her a long kiss.</em>]——So.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Brass</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Flippanta</span> sola.</em> -</p> - -<p>----A nasty rogue [<em>Wiping her mouth.</em>] But, let -me see what have I to do now? This <em>restitution</em> will be -here quickly, I suppose; in the mean time I'll go know -if my lady's ready for the quarrel yet. Master yonder is -so full on't, he's ready to burst; but we'll give him -vent by and by with a witness.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Flip</span>.</em></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_IV" id="ACT_IV"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> IV.</a></h3> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, Gripe's <em>House</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Corinna</span>, <span class="antiqua">Dick</span>, and <span class="antiqua">Brass</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">D</span>on</span>'t fear, I'll give you timely notice.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Goes to the door.</em></p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Come, you must consent, you shall consent. -How can you leave me thus upon the rack? a man who -loves you to that excess that I do.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Nay, that you love me, Sir, that I'm satisfy'd -in, for you have sworn you do: And I'm so pleas'd with -it, I'd fain have you do so as long as you live, so we -must never marry.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Not marry, my dear! why what's our love -good for if we don't marry!</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Ah——I'm afraid 'twill be good for little if -we do.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Why do you think so?</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Because I hear my father and mother, and my -uncle and aunt, and <em>Araminta</em> and her husband, and -twenty other married folks, say so from morning to -night.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Oh, that's because they are bad husbands and -bad wives; but in our case there will be a good husband -and a good wife, and so we shall love for ever.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Why there may be something in that truly; and -I'm always willing to hear reason, as a reasonable -young woman ought to do. But are you sure, Sir, tho' -we are very good now, we shall be so when we come to -be better acquainted?</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> I can answer for myself, at least.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> I wish you cou'd answer for me too. You see I -am a plain-dealer, Sir, I hope you don't like me the -worse for it.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> O, by no means, 'tis a sign of admirable morals; -and I hope, since you practise it yourself, you'll -approve of it in your lover. In one word, therefore, -(for 'tis in vain to mince the matter) my resolution's -fix'd, and the world can't stagger me, I marry——or -I die.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Indeed, Sir, I have much ado to believe you; -the disease of love is seldom so violent.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Madam, I have two diseases to end my miseries; -If the first don't do't, the latter shall; [<em>Drawing -his sword.</em>] one's in my heart, t'other's in my -scabbard.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Not for a diadem, [<em>Catching hold of him.</em>] Ah, -put it up, put it up.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> How absolute is your command! [<em>Dropping his -sword.</em>] A word, you see, disarms me.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> What a power I have over him! [<em>Aside.</em>] The -wondrous deeds of love!—--Pray, Sir, let me have no -more of these rash doings tho'; perhaps I mayn't be -always in the saving humour——I'm sure if I had let him -stick himself, I should have been envy'd by all the great -ladies in the town.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Well, madam, have I then your promise? you'll -make me the happiest of mankind.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> I don't know what to say to you; but I believe I -had as good promise, for I find I shall certainly do't.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Then let us seal the contract thus.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Kisses her.</em></p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Um——he has almost taken away my breath: -He kisses purely.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Hark——somebody comes.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Brass</span> peeping in.</em></p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Gar there, the enemy——no, hold y'are safe, -'tis <em>Flippanta</em>.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Flippanta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Come, have you agreed the matter? If not, you -must end it another time, for your father's in motion, -so pray kiss and part.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> That's sweet and sour. [<em>They kiss.</em>] Adieu t'ye, -Sir.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Dick</span> and <span class="antiqua">Cor</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Clarissa</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Have you told him I'm at home, <em>Flippanta</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Yes, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> And that I'll see him?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Yes, that too: But here's news for you; I have -just now receiv'd the restitution.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> That's killing pleasure: and how much has -he restor'd me?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Two hundred and thirty.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Wretched rogue! but retreat, your Master's -coming to quarrel.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I'll be within call, if things run high.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Ex. <span class="antiqua">Flip</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Gripe</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> O ho!—--are you there, i'faith? Madam, -your humble servant, I'm very glad to see you at home. -I thought I should never have had that honour again.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Good-morrow, my dear, how d'ye do? <em>Flippanta</em> -says you are out of humour, and that you have -a mind to quarrel with me: Is it true? ha!—--I have -a terrible pain in my head, I give you notice on't beforehand.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> And how the pox shou'd it be otherwise? It's -a wonder you are not dead [<em><span class="antiqua">as a' wou'd you were</span>, Aside.</em>] -with the life you lead. Are you not ashamed? And -do you not blush to——</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> My dear child, you crack my brain; soften the -harshness of your voice: say what thou wou't, but -let it be in an agreeable tone——</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Tone, Madam, don't tell me of a tone——</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> O——if you will quarrel, do it with temperance; -let it be all in cool blood, even and smooth, as<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> -if you were not moved with what you said; and then I'll -hear you as if I were not mov'd with it neither.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Had ever man such need of patience? Madam, -Madam, I must tell you, Madam——</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Another key, or I'll walk off.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Don't provoke me.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Shall you be long, my dear, in your remonstrances?</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Yes, Madam, and very long.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> If you would quarrel <em>en abrêgé</em>, I shou'd have a -world of obligation to you.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> What I have to say, forsooth, is not to be expressed -<em>en abrêgé</em>, my complaints are too numerous.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Complaints! of what my dear? have I ever -given you subject of complaint, my life?</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> O Pox! my dear and my life! I desire none of -your <em>tendres</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> How! find fault with my kindness, and my -expressions of affection and respect! the world will guess -by this what the rest of your complaints may be. I must -tell you, I am scandaliz'd at your procedure.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> I must tell you I am running mad with yours.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Ah! how insupportable are the humours of some -husbands, so full of fancies, and so ungovernable: -What have you in the world to disturb you?</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> What have I to disturb me! I have you, Death -and the Devil.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Ah, merciful heaven! how he swears! You -should never accustom yourself to such words as these; -indeed, my dear, you shou'd not; your mouth's always -full of them.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Blood and thunder! Madam——</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Ah, he'll fetch the house down: Do you know -you make me tremble for you? <em>Flippanta</em>! who's there? -<em>Flippanta</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Here's a provoking devil for you!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Flippanta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> What in the name of <em>Jove</em>'s the matter? you -raise the neighbourhood.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Why here's your master in a most violent fuss, -and no mortal soul can tell for what.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Not tell for what!</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> No, my life. I have begged him to tell me his -griefs, <em>Flippanta</em>; and then he swears, good Lord! how -he does swear.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Ah, you wicked jade! Ah, you wicked jade!</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Do you hear him <em>Flippanta</em>! do you hear him!</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Pray, Sir, let's know a little what puts you in all -this fury?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Pr'ythee stand near me, <em>Flippanta</em>, there's an odd -froth about his mouth, looks as if his poor head were -going wrong, I'm afraid he'll bite.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> The wicked woman, <em>Flippanta</em>, the wicked -woman.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Can any body wonder I shun my own house, -when he treats me at this rate in it?</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> At this rate! why in the devil's name——</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Do you hear him again?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Come, a little moderation, Sir, and try what that -will produce.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Hang her, 'tis all a pretence to justify her going -abroad.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> A pretence! a pretence! Do you hear how black -a charge he loads me with? Charges me with a pretence? -Is this the return for all my downright open actions? You -know, my dear, I scorn pretences: Whenever I go -abroad, it is without pretence.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Give me patience.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> You have a great deal, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> And yet he's never content, <em>Flippanta</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> What shall I do?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> What a reasonable man wou'd do; own your -self in the wrong, and be quiet. Here's <em>Flippanta</em> has -understanding, and I have moderation; I'm willing to -make her judge of our differences.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> You do me a great deal of honour, Madam: -but I tell you beforehand, I shall be a little on Master's -side.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Right, <em>Flippanta</em> has sense. Come, let her decide. -Have I not reason to be in a passion? tell me that.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> You must tell her for what, my life.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Why, for the trade you drive, my soul.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Look you, Sir, pray take things right. I know -Madam does fret you a little now and then, that's true; -but in the fund, she is the softest, sweetest, gentlest -lady breathing: let her but live entirely to her own -fancy, and she'll never say a word to you from morning -to night.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Oons, let her but stay at home, and she shall -do what she will: in reason, that is.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> D'ye hear that, Madam? nay, now I must be on -master's side; you see how he loves you, he desires only -your company, pray give him that satisfaction, or I must -pronounce against you.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Well, I agree. Thou know'st I don't love to -grieve him: let him be always in good humour, and I'll -be always at home.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Look you there, Sir, what would you have -more?</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Well, let her keep her word, and I'll have done -quarrelling.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> I must not, however, so far lose the merit of -my consent, as to let you think I'm weary of going -abroad, my dear: what I do is purely to oblige you; -which, that I may be able to perform, without a relapse, -I'll invent what ways I can to make my prison -supportable to me.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Her prison! pretty bird! her prison! do'nt that -word melt you, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> I must confess I did not expect to find her so -reasonable.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> O, Sir, soon or late wives come into good humour: -husbands must only have a little patience to wait -for it.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> The innocent little diversions, dear, that I -shall content myself with, will be chiefly play and company.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> O, I'll find you employment, your time shan't<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> -lie upon your hands, tho' if you have a mind now for -such a companion as a——let me see——<em>Araminta</em> for -example, why I shan't be against her being with you -from morning till nigh.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> You can't oblige me more, 'tis the best woman -in the world.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Is not she?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Ah, the old satyr!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Then we'll have, besides her, may be sometimes——her -husband; and we shall see my niece that -writes verses, and my sister <em>Fidget</em>: with her husband's -brother that's always merry; and his little cousin that's -to marry the fat curate; and my uncle the apothecary, -with his wife and all his children. O we shall divert -ourselves rarely.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Good.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> O, for that, my dear child, I must be plain with -you, I'll see none of them but <em>Araminta</em>, who has the -manners of the court; for I'll converse with none but -women of quality.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Ay, ay, they shall all have one quality or other.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Then, my dear, to make our home pleasant, -we'll have consorts of music sometimes.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Music in my house!</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Yes, my child, we must have music or the house -will be so dull I shall get the spleen, and be going abroad -again.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Nay, she has so much complaisance for you, Sir, -you can't dispute such things with her.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Ay, but if I have music——</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Ay, but Sir, I must have music——</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Not every day, Madam don't mean.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> No, bless me, no; but three consorts a week: -three days more we'll play after dinner at <em>Ombre</em>, <em>Picquet</em>, -<em>Basset</em>, and so forth, and close the evening with a -handsome supper and a ball.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> A ball!</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Then, my love, you know there is but one day -more upon our hands, and that shall be the day of conversation, -we'll read verses, talk of books, invent modes,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span> -tell lyes, scandalize our friends, be pert upon religion; -and in short, employ every moment of it in some pretty -witty exercise or other.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> What order you see 'tis she proposes to live in! -A most wonderful regularity!</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Regularity with a pox——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> And as this kind of life, so soft, so smooth, so -agreeable, must needs invite a vast deal of company to -partake of it, 'twill be necessary to have the decency of a -porter at our door, you know.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> A porter——A scrivener have a porter, -Madam!</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Positively a porter.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Why no scrivener since <em>Adam</em> ever had a porter, -woman!</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> You will therefore be renown'd in story, for -having the first, my life.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> <em>Flippanta</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Hang it, Sir, never dispute a trifle; if you vex -her, perhaps she'll insist upon a Swiss.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside to <span class="antiqua">Gripe</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> But, Madam——</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> But, Sir, a porter, positively a porter; without -that the treaty's null, and I go abroad this moment.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Come, Sir, never lose so advantageous a peace -for a pitiful porter.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Why, I shall be hooted at, the boys will throw -stones at my porter. Besides, where shall I have money -for all this expence?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> My dear, who asks you for any? Don't be in a -fright, chicken.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Don't be in a fright, Madam! But where I -say——</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Madam plays, Sir, think on that; women that -play have inexhaustible mines, and wives who receive -least money from their husbands, are many times those -who spend the most.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> So, my dear, let what <em>Flippanta</em> says content -you. Go, my life, trouble yourself with nothing, but -let me do just as I please, and all will be well. I'm -going into my closet, to consider of some more things<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span> -to enable me to give you the pleasure of my company at -home, without making it too great a misery to a yielding -wife.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Clarissa</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Mirror of goodness! Pattern to all wives! well -sure, Sir, you are the happiest of all husbands.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Yes——and a miserable dog for all that too, -perhaps.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Why, what can you ask more, than this matchless -complaisance?</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> I don't know what I can ask, and yet I'm not -satisfy'd with what I have neither, the devil mixes in it all, -I think; complaisant or perverse, it feels just as it did.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Why then your uneasiness is only a disease, Sir, -perhaps a little bleeding and purging wou'd relieve -you.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> <em>Flippanta</em>?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Clarissa</span> calls within.</em></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Madam calls. I come, Madam. Come, be merry, -be merry, Sir, you have cause, take my word for't. -Poor devil.</p> - -<p>[<em>Aside.</em>]</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Flippanta</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> I don't know that, I don't know that: But this -I do know, that an honest man, who has marry'd a jade, -whether she's pleas'd to spend her time at home or -abroad, had better have liv'd a batchelor.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Brass</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> O, Sir, I'm mighty glad I have found you.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Why, what's the matter, pr'ythee?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Can no body hear us?</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> No, no, speak quickly.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> You han't seen <em>Araminta</em>, since the last letter -I carry'd her from you?</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Not I, I go prudently; I don't press things -like your young firebrand lovers.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> But seriously, Sir, are you very much in love -with her?</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> As mortal man has been.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> I'm sorry for't.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Why so, dear <em>Brass</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> If you were never to see her more now?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span> -Suppose such a thing, d'ye think 'twou'd break your -heart?</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Oh!</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Nay, now I see you love her; wou'd you -did not.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> My dear friend.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> I'm in your interest deep: you see it.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> I do: but speak, what miserable story hast thou -for me?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> I had rather the devil had, phu——flown away -with you quick, than to see you so much in love, as I perceive -you are, since——</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Since what?——ho.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> <em>Araminta</em>, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Dead?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> No.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> How then?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Worse.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Out with't.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Broke.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Broke!</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> She is, poor lady, in a most unfortunate situation -of affairs. But I have said too much.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> No, no, 'tis very sad, but let's hear it.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Sir, she charg'd me on my life never to mention -it to you, of all men living.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Why, who should'st thou tell it to, but to the -best of her friends?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Ay, why there's it now, it's going just as I -fancy'd. Now will I be hang'd if you are not enough in -love to be engaging in this matter. But I must tell you, Sir, -that as much concern as I have for that most excellent, -beautiful, agreeable, distress'd, unfortunate lady, I'm -too much your friend and servant, ever to let it be said, -'twas the means of your being ruin'd for a woman——by -letting you know she esteem'd you more than any -other man upon earth.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Ruin'd! what dost thou mean?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Mean! Why! I mean that women always ruin -those that love 'em, that's the rule.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> The rule!</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Yes, the rule; why wou'd you have them ruin -those that don't? How shall they bring that about?</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> But is there a necessity then, they shou'd ruin -somebody?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Yes, marry is there; how wou'd you have 'em -support their expence else? Why, Sir, you can't conceive -now——you can't conceive what <em>Araminta</em>'s privy-purse -requires. Only her privy purse, Sir! Why, what -do you imagine now she gave me for the last letter I -carry'd her from you? 'Tis true, 'twas from a man she -lik'd, else, perhaps, I had had my bones broke. But -what do you think she gave me?</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Why, mayhap——a shilling.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> A guinea, Sir, a guinea. You see by that -how fond she was on't, by the bye. But then, Sir, her -coach-hire; her chair-hire, her pin-money, her play-money, -her china, and her charity——wou'd consume -peers: A great soul, a very great soul! but what's the end -of all this?</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Ha!</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Why, I'll tell you what the end is——a -nunnery.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> A nunnery!</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> A nunnery.——In short she is at last reduc'd -to that extremity, and attack'd with such a battalion -of duns, that rather than tell her husband (who you -know is such a dog, he'd let her go if she did) she has -e'en determin'd to turn papist, and bid the world adieu -for life.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> O terrible! a papist!</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Yes, when a handsome woman has brought herself -into difficulties, the devil can't help her out of——To -a nunnery, that's another rule, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> But, but, but, pr'ythee <em>Brass</em>, but——</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> But all the buts in the world, Sir, won't stop -her: she's a woman of a noble resolution. So, Sir, -your humble servant; I pity her, I pity you. Turtle -and mate; but the Fates will have it so, all's packt up, -and I'm now going to call her a coach, for she resolves<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span> -to slip off without saying a word: and the next visit she -receives from her friends, will be through a melancholy -grate, with a veil instead of a top-knot.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Going.</em></p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> It must not be, by the Powers it must not; -she was made for the world, and the world was made -for her.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> And yet you see, Sir, how small a share she -has on't.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Poor woman! Is there no way to save her?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Save her! No, how can she be saved? why she -owes above five hundred pounds.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Oh!</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Five hundred pounds, Sir; she's like to be -sav'd indeed.——Not but that I know them in this -town wou'd give me one of the five, if I wou'd persuade -her to accept of th' other four: but she has forbid -me mentioning it to any soul living; and I have -disobey'd her only to you; and so—I'll go and call -a coach.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Hold!—--dost think, my poor <em>Brass</em>, one might -not order it so, as to compound those debts for——for——twelve -pence in the pound?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Sir, d'ye hear? I have already try'd 'em with -ten shillings, and not a rogue will prick up his ear at it. -Tho' after all, for three hundred pounds all in glittering -gold, I could set their chaps a watering. But -where's that to be had with honour? there's the thing, -Sir,——I'll go and call a coach.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Hold, once more: I have a note in my closet -of two hundred, ay——and fifty, I'll go and give it her -myself.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> You will; very genteel, truly. Go slap-dash, -and offer a woman of her scruples, money! bolt in her -face: Why, you might as well offer her a scorpion, and -she'd as soon touch it.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Shall I carry it to her creditors then, and treat -with them?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Ay, that's a rare thought.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Is not it, <em>Brass</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Only one little inconvenience by the way.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> As how?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> That they are your wife's creditors as well as -hers; and perhaps it might not be altogether so well to -see you clearing the debts of your neighbour's wife, -and leaving those of your own unpaid.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Why that's true now.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> I'm wise you see, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Thou art; and I'm but a young lover: But -what shall we do then?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Why I'm thinking, that if you give me the -note, do you see; and that I promise to give you an -account of it——</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Ay, but look you, <em>Brass</em>——</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> But look you!—--Why what, d'ye think I'm -a pickpocket? D'ye think I intend to run away with -your note? your paltry note.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> I don't say so——I say only that in case——</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Case, Sir, there is no case but the case I have -put you; and since you heap cases upon cases, where -there is but three hundred rascally pounds in the case——I'll -go and call a coach.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Pr'ythee don't be so testy; come, no more -words, follow me to my closet, and I'll give thee the -money.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> A terrible effort you make indeed; you are so -much in love, your wits are all upon the wing, just -a going; and for three hundred pounds you put a stop to -their flight: Sir, your wits are worth that, or your wits -are worth nothing. Come away.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Well, say no more, thou shalt be satisfy'd. -[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Dick</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> S't——<em>Brass</em>! S't——</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Re-enter <span class="antiqua">Brass</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Well, Sir!</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> 'Tis not well, Sir, 'tis very ill, Sir; we shall be -all blown up.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> What, with pride and plenty?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> No, Sir, with an officious slut that will spoil -all. In short, <em>Flippanta</em> has been telling her mistress and -<em>Araminta</em> of my passion for the young gentlewoman; -and truly to oblige me (supposed no ill match by the -bye) they are resolv'd to propose it immediately to her -father.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> That's the devil! we shall come to papers and -parchments, jointures and settlements, relations meet -on both sides; that's the devil.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> I intended this very day to propose to <em>Flippanta</em>, -the carrying her off: and I'm sure the young -houswife wou'd have tuck'd up her coats, and have -march'd.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Ay, with the body and the soul of her.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Why then, what damn'd luck is this?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> 'Tis your damn'd luck, not mine: I have always -seen it in your ugly phiz, in spite of your powder'd -perriwig——pox take ye——he'll be hang'd at last. Why -don't you try to get her off yet?</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> I have no money, you dog; you know you have -stript me of every penny.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Come, damn it. I'll venture one cargo more -upon your rotten bottom: But if ever I see one glance -of your hempen fortune again, I'm off of your partnership -for ever——I shall never thrive with him.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> An impudent rogue, but he's in possession of my -estate, so I must bear with him.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Well, come, I'll raise a hundred pounds for -your use, upon my wife's jewels here; [<em>Pulling out the -necklace.</em>] her necklace shall pawn for't.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Remember tho', that if things fail, I'm to -have the necklace again; you know you agreed to -that.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Yes, and if I make it good, you'll be the better -for't; if not, I shall: so you see where the cause -will pinch.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Why, you barbarous dog, you won't offer -to——</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> No words now; about your business, march.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> -Go stay for me at the next tavern: I'll go to <em>Flippanta</em>, -and try what I can do for you.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Well, I'll go, but don't think to——O pox, -Sir——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Dick</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Brass</span> solus.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Will you be gone? A pretty title you'd have -to sue me upon truly, if I shou'd have a mind to stand -upon the defensive, as perhaps I may; I have done the -rascal service enough to lull my conscience upon't I'm -sure: But 'tis time enough for that. Let me see——First -I'll go to <em>Flippanta</em>, and put a stop to this family -way of match-making, then sell our necklace for what -ready money 'twill produce; and by this time to-morrow -I hope we shall be in possession of——t'other -jewel here; a precious jewel, as she's set in gold: I -believe for the stone itself we may part with it again to -a friend——for a tester.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_V" id="ACT_V"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> V.</a></h3> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, Gripe's <em>House</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Brass</span> and <span class="antiqua">Flippanta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">W</span>ell</span>, you agree I'm in the right, don't -you?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I don't know; if your master has the estate he -talks of, why not do't all above-board? Well, tho' I -am not much of his mind, I'm much in his interest, -and will therefore endeavour to serve him in his own -way.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> That's kindly said, my child, and I believe I -shall reward thee one of these days, with as pretty a -fellow to thy husband for't, as——</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Hold your prating, Jack-a-dandy, and leave me -to my business.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> I obey—adieu. [<em>Kisses her.</em>]</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Brass</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Rascal!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Corinna</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Ah, <em>Flippanta</em>, I'm ready to sink down, my legs -tremble under me, my dear <em>Flippy</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> And what's the affair?</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> My father's there within, with my mother and -<em>Araminta</em>; I never saw him in so good a humour in my -life.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> And is that it that frightens you so?</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Ah, <em>Flippanta</em>, they are just going to speak to him, -about my marrying the Colonel.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Are they so? so much the worse; they're too -hasty.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> O no, not a bit: I slipt out on purpose, you -must know, to give them an opportunity; wou'd 'twere -done already.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I tell you no; get you in again immediately, -and prevent it.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> My dear, dear, I am not able; I never was in -such a way before.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Never in a way to be marry'd before, ha? is not -that it?</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Ah, Lord, if I'm thus before I come to't, <em>Flippanta</em>, -what shall I be upon the very spot? Do but feel -with what a thumpaty thump it goes.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Putting her hand to her heart.</em></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Nay it does make a filthy bustle, that's the truth -on't, child. But I believe I shall make it leap another -way, when I tell you, I'm cruelly afraid your father -won't consent, after all.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Why, he won't be the death of o'me, will he?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> I don't know, old folk are cruel; but we'll -have a trick for him. <em>Brass</em> and I have been consulting -upon the matter, and agreed upon a surer way of doing it -in spite of his teeth.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Ay, marry, Sir, that were something.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> But then he must not know a word of any thing -towards it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> No, no.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> So, get you in immediately.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> One, two, three and away.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Running off.</em></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> And prevent your mother's speaking on't.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> But is t'other way sure, <em>Flippanta</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Fear nothing, 'twill only depend upon you.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Nay then——O ho, ho, ho, how pure that -is!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Corinna</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Flippanta</span> sola.</em> -</p> - -<p>Poor child! we may do what we will with her, as far as -marrying her goes; when that's over, 'tis possible she -mayn't prove altogether so tractable. But who's here? -my sharper, I think: yes.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Money-trap</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Well, my best friend, how go matters? Has -the restitution been received, ha? Was she pleas'd with -it?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Yes, truly; that is, she was pleas'd to see there -was so honest a man in this immoral age.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Well, but a——does she know that 'twas I -that——</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Why, you must know I begun to give her a little -sort of a hint, and——and so——why, and so she -begun to put on a sort of a severe, haughty, reserv'd, angry, -forgiving air. But soft; here she comes: you'll see -how you stand with her presently: but don't be afraid. -Courage.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> He, hem.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Clarissa</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>'Tis no small piece of good fortune, Madam, to find you -at home: I have often endeavour'd it in vain.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> 'Twas then unknown to me, for if I cou'd often -receive the visits of so good a friend at home, I shou'd be -more reasonably blam'd for being so much abroad.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Madam, you make me——</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> You are the man of the world whose com<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span>pany -I think is most to be desir'd. I don't compliment -you when I tell you so, I assure you.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Alas, Madam, your poor humble servant——</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> My poor humble servant however (with all -the esteem I have for him) stands suspected with me for -a vile trick, I doubt he has play'd me, which if I could -prove upon him, I'm afraid I should punish him very severely.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> I hope, Madam, you'll believe I am not capable -of——</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Look you, look you, you are capable of whatever -you please, you have a great deal of wit, and know -how to give a nice and gallant turn to every thing; but -if you will have me continue your friend, you must leave -me in some uncertainty in this matter.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Madam, I do then protest to you——</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Come protest nothing about it, I am but too penetrating, -as you may perceive; but we sometimes shut -our eyes, rather than break with our friends; for a thorough -knowledge of the truth of this business, wou'd -make me very seriously angry.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> 'Tis very certain, Madam, that——</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Come, say no more on't, I beseech you, for -I'm in a good deal of heat while I but think on't; if -you'll walk in, I'll follow you presently.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Your goodness, Madam, is——</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> War, horse.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside to <span class="antiqua">Money-trap</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>No fine speeches, you'll spoil all.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Thou art a most incomparable person.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Nay, it goes rarely; but get you in, and I'll say -a little something to my Lady for you, while she's -warm.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> But S't, <em>Flippanta</em>, how long do'st think she may -hold out?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Phu, not a Twelvemonth.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Boo.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Away, I say.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Pushing him out.</em></p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Is he gone? What a wretch it is! he never was -quite such a beast before.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Poor mortal, his money's finely laid out truly.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> I suppose there may have been much such another -scene within between <em>Araminta</em> and my dear: but I -left him so insupportably brisk, 'tis impossible he can have -parted with any money: I'm afraid <em>Brass</em> has not succeeded -as thou hast done, <em>Flippanta</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> By my faith but he has, and better too; he presents -his humble duty to <em>Araminta</em>, and has sent her——this.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Shewing the note.</em></p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> A bill for my love for two hundred and fifty -pounds. The monster! he wou'd not part with ten to -save his lawful wife from everlasting torment.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Never complain of his avarice, Madam, as long -as you have his money.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> But is not he a beast, <em>Flippanta</em>? methinks the -restitution look'd better by half.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Madam, the man's beast enough, that's certain; -but which way will you go to receive his beastly money, -for I must not appear with his note?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> That's true; why send for Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>; that's -a mighty useful woman, that Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Marry is she; we shou'd have been basely puzzled -how to dispose of the necklace without her, 'twould -have been dangerous offering it to sale.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> It wou'd so, for I know your master has been -laying out for't amongst the goldsmiths. But I stay here -too long. I must in and coquet it a little more to my -lover, <em>Araminta</em> will get ground on me else.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Clarissa</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> And I'll go send for Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Flip</span>.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> <em>opens.</em></h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Araminta</span>, <span class="antiqua">Corinna</span>, <span class="antiqua">Gripe</span>, and <span class="antiqua">Money-trap</span> at a tea-table, -very gay and laughing. <span class="antiqua">Clarissa</span> comes in to 'em.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Omnes.</em> Ha! ha! ha! ha!</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Mighty well, O mighty well indeed!</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Save you, save you good folks, you are all in -rare humour methinks.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Why, what shou'd we be otherwise for, Madam?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Nay, I don't know, not I, my dear; but I -han't had the happiness of seeing you since our honey-moon -was over, I think.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Why to tell you the truth, my dear, 'tis the -joy of seeing you at home; [<em>Kisses her.</em>] You see what -charms you have, when you are pleased to make use of -'em.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> Very gallant truly.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Nay, and what's more, you must know, he's -never to be otherwise henceforwards; we have come to -an agreement about it.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Why, here's my love and I have been upon -just such another treaty too.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> Well, sure there's some very peaceful star rules -at present. Pray heaven continue its reign.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Pray do you continue its reign, you ladies; for -'tis all in your power.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Leering at <span class="antiqua">Clarissa</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> My neighbour <em>Money-trap</em> says true at least I'll -confess frankly [<em>Ogling <span class="antiqua">Araminta</span>.</em>] 'tis in one lady's -power to make me the best-humour'd man on earth.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> And I'll answer for another, that has the same -over me.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Ogling <span class="antiqua">Clarissa</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> 'Tis mighty fine, gentlemen, mighty civil husbands -indeed.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Nay, what I say's true, and so true, that all -quarrels being now at an end, I am willing, if you -please, to dispense with all that fine company we talk'd -of to-day, be content with the friendly conversation of -our two good neighbours here, and spend all my toying -hours alone with my sweet wife.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Why, truly, I think now, if these good women -pleas'd, we might make up the prettiest little neighbourly -company between our two families, and set a defiance to -all the impertinent people in the world.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> The rascals!</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> Indeed I doubt you'd soon grow weary, if we -grew fond.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Never, never, for our wives have wit, neighbour, -and that never palls.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> And our husbands have generosity, <em>Araminta</em>, -and that seldom palls.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> So that's a wipe for me now, because I did not -give her a new-year's gift last time; but be good, and -I'll think of some tea-cups for you, next year.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> And perhaps I mayn't forget a fan, or as good -a thing——hum, hussy.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Well, upon these encouragements, <em>Araminta</em>, -we'll try how good we can be.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Well, this goes most rarely: poor <em>Money-trap</em>, -he little thinks what makes his wife so easy in his company.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> I can but pity poor neighbour <em>Gripe</em>. Lard, -Lard, what a fool does his wife and I make of him?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Are not these two wretched rogues, <em>Araminta</em>?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside to <span class="antiqua">Araminta</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> They are indeed.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside to <span class="antiqua">Clarissa</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Jessamin</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Jess.</em> Sir, here's Mr. <em>Clip</em>, the goldsmith, desires to -speak with you.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Cods so, perhaps some news of your necklace, -my dear.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> That would be news indeed.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Let him come in.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mr. <span class="antiqua">Clip</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Mr. <em>Clip</em>, your servant, I'm glad to see you: -how do you do?</p> - -<p><em>Clip.</em> At your service, Sir, very well. Your servant, -Madam <em>Gripe</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Horrid fellow!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Well, Mr. <em>Clip</em>, no news yet of my wife's necklace?</p> - -<p><em>Clip.</em> If you please to let me speak with you in the -next room, I have something to say to you.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Ay, with all my heart. Shut the door after us. -[<em>They come forward, and the Scene shuts behind them.</em>] -Well, any news?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Clip.</em> Look you, Sir, here's a necklace brought me to -sell, at least very like that you describ'd to me.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Let's see't——<em>Victoria</em>! the very same. Ah -my dear <em>Mr. Clip</em>——[<em>Kisses him.</em>] But who brought it -you? you should have seiz'd him.</p> - -<p><em>Clip.</em> 'Twas a young fellow that I know: I can't tell -whether he may be guilty, tho' its like enough. But he -has only left it me now, to shew a brother of our trade, -and will call upon me again presently.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Wheedle him hither, dear Mr. <em>Clip</em>. Here's -my neighbour <em>Money-trap</em> in the house; he's a justice, -and will commit him presently.</p> - -<p><em>Clip.</em> 'Tis enough.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Brass</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> O, my friend <em>Brass</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Hold, Sir, I think that's a gentleman I'm looking -for. Mr. <em>Clip</em>, O your servant; what, are you acquainted -here? I have just been at your shop.</p> - -<p><em>Clip.</em> I only stept here to shew Mr. <em>Gripe</em> the necklace -you left.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Why, Sir, you understand jewels? [<em>To Gripe.</em>] -I thought you had dealt only in gold. But I smoak the -matter; hark you——a word in your ear——you are -going to play the gallant again, and make a purchase -on't for <em>Araminta</em>; ha, ha?</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Where had you the necklace?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Look you, don't trouble yourself about that; -it's in commission with me, and I can help you to a -pennyworth on't.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> A pennyworth on't, villain?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Strikes at him.</em></p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Villain! a hey, a hey. Is't you or me, Mr. -<em>Clip</em>, he's pleas'd to compliment?</p> - -<p><em>Clip.</em> What do you think on't, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Think on't, now the devil fetch me if I know -what to think on't.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> You'll sell a pennyworth, rogue! of a thing -you have stol'n from me.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Stol'n! pray, Sir——what wine have you -drank to-day? It has a very merry effect upon you.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> You villain; either give me an account how -you stole it, or——</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> O ho, Sir, if you please, don't carry your jest -too far, I don't understand hard words, I give you warning -on't: if you han't a mind to buy the necklace, you -may let it alone, I know how to dispose on't. What a -pox!——</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> O, you shan't have that trouble, Sir. Dear -Mr. <em>Clip</em>, you may leave the necklace here. I'll call at -your shop, and thank you for your care.</p> - -<p><em>Clip.</em> Sir, your humble servant.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Going.</em></p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> O ho, Mr. <em>Clip</em>, if you please, Sir, this won't -do, [<em>Stopping him.</em>] I don't understand rallery in such -matters.</p> - -<p><em>Clip.</em> I leave it with <em>Mr Gripe</em>, do you and he dispute -it.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Clip</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Ay, but 'tis from you, by your leave, Sir, that -I expect it.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Going after him.</em></p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> You expect, you rogue, to make your escape, do -you? But I have other accounts besides this, to make up -with you. To be sure the dog has cheated me of two -hundred and fifty pounds. Come, villain, give me an -account of——</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Account of!—--Sir, give me an account of my -necklace, or I'll make such a noise in your house, I'll raise -the devil in't.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Well said, courage.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Blood and thunder, give it me, or——</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Come, hush, be wise, and I'll make no noise -of this affair.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> You'll make no noise! But I'll make a noise; -and a damn'd noise too. O, don't think to——</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> I tell thee I will not hang thee.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> But I tell you I will hang you, if you don't give -me my necklace, I will, rot me.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Speak softly, be wise; how came it thine? -who gave it thee?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> A gentleman, a friend of mine.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> What's his name?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> His name!—--I'm in such a passion I have forgot -it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Ah, brazen rogue——thou hast stole it from -my wife: 'tis the same she lost six weeks ago.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> This has not been in <em>England</em> a month.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> You are a son of a whore.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Give me my necklace.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Give me my two hundred and fifty pound note.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Yet I offer peace: one word without passion. -The case stands thus, either I'm out of my wits, or you -are out of yours: now 'tis plain I am not out of my wits, -<em>Ergo</em>——</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> My bill, hang-dog, or I'll strangle thee.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>They struggle.</em></p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Murder, murder!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Clarissa</span>, <span class="antiqua">Araminta</span>, <span class="antiqua">Corinna</span>, <span class="antiqua">Flippanta</span>, and -<span class="antiqua">Money-trap</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> What's the matter? What's the matter here?</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> I'll matter him.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Who makes thee cry out thus, poor <em>Brass</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Why, your husband, Madam, he's in his altitudes -here.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Robber.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Here, he has cheated me of a diamond necklace.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Who, Papa? Ah dear me!</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Pr'ythee what's the meaning of this great emotion, -my dear?</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> The meaning is that——I'm quite out of -breath——this son of a whore has got our necklace, -that's all.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> My necklace!</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> That birdlime there—stole it.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Impossible!</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Madam, you see master's a little——touch'd, -that's all. Twenty ounces of blood let loose, wou'd set -all right again.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Here, call a constable presently. Neighbour -<em>Money-trap</em>, you'll commit him.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> D'ye hear? d'ye hear? See how wild he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span> -looks: how his eyes roll in his head: tye him down, or -he'll do some mischief or other.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Let me come at him.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Hold——pr'ythee, my dear, reduce things to a -little temperance, and let us coolly into the secret of this -disagreeable rupture.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Well then, without passion; why, you must -know, (but I'll have him hang'd) you must know that he -came to Mr. <em>Clip</em>, to Mr. <em>Clip</em> the dog did——with a -necklace to sell; so Mr. <em>Clip</em> having notice before that -(can you deny this, Sirrah?) that you had lost yours, -brings it to me: Look at it here, do you know it again? -Ah, you traitor.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>To <span class="antiqua">Brass</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> He makes me mad. Here's an appearance of -something now to the company, and yet nothing in't in -the bottom.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Constable.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> <em>Flippanta</em>!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside to <span class="antiqua">Flippanta</span>, shewing the necklace.</em></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> 'Tis it, faith; here's some mystery in this, we -must look about us.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> The safest way is point blank to disown the -necklace.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Right, stick to that.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Well, Madam, do you know your old acquaintance, -ha?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Why, truly, my dear, tho' (as you may all -imagine) I shou'd be very glad to recover so valuable a -thing as my necklace, yet I must be just to all the world, -this necklace is not mine.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Huzza——here constable do your duty; Mr. -Justice, I demand my necklace, and satisfaction of him.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> I'll die before I part with it, I'll keep it, and -have him hang'd.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> But be a little calm, my dear, do my bird, and -then thou'lt be able to judge rightly of things.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> O good lack, O good lack.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> No, but don't give way to fury and interest -both, either of 'em are passions strong enough to lead a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> -wise man out of the way. The necklace not being -really mine, give it the man again, and come drink a -dish of tea.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Ay, Madam says right.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Oons, if you with your addle head don't know -your own jewels, I with my solid one do. And if I part -with it, may famine be my portion.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> But don't swear and curse thyself at this fearful -rate; don't, my dove: Be temperate in your words, and -just in all your actions, 'twill bring a blessing upon you -and all your family.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Bring thunder and lightning upon me and my -family, if I part with my necklace.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Why, you'll have the lightning burn your -house about your ears, my dear, it you go on in these -practices.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> A most excellent woman this!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Amlet</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> I'll keep my necklace.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Will you so? then here comes one has a title -to it, if I han't; let <em>Dick</em> bring himself off with her -as he can. Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>, you are come in very good time, -you lost a necklace t'other day, and who do you think -has got it?</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Marry, that I know not, I wish I did.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Why then here's Mr. <em>Gripe</em> has it, and swears -'tis his wife's.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> And so I do, sirrah——look here, Mistress, do -you pretend this is yours?</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Not for the round world I wou'd not say it; -I only kept it to do Madam a small courtesy? that's all.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Ah, <em>Flippanta</em>, all will out now.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside to <span class="antiqua">Flip</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Courtesy! what courtesy?</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> A little money only that madam had present -need of, please to pay me that, and I demand no more.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> So here's fresh game, I have started a new hare, -I find.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> How forsooth, is this true?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>To <span class="antiqua">Clarissa</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> You are in a humour at present, love, to be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span>lieve -any thing, so I won't take the pains to contradict -it.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> This damn'd necklace will spoil all our affairs, -this is <em>Dick</em>'s luck again.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Are you not asham'd of these ways? Do you -see how you are expos'd before your best friends here? -don't you blush at it?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> I do blush, my dear, but 'tis for you, that here -it shou'd appear to the world, you keep me so bare of -money, I'm forc'd to pawn my jewels.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> Impudent houswife!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Raising his hand to strike her.</em></p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Softly, chicken: you might have prevented all -this by giving me the two hundred and fifty pounds you -sent to <em>Araminta</em> e'en now.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> You see, Sir, I deliver'd your note: how I have -been abus'd to-day!</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> I'm betray'd——jades on both sides, I see that.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> But, Madam, Madam, is this true I hear? -Have you taken a present of two hundred and fifty -pounds? Pray what were you to return for these pounds, -Madam, ha?</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> Nothing, my dear, I only took 'em to reimburse -you of about the same sum you sent to <em>Clarissa</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Hum, hum, hum.</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> How, gentlewoman, did you receive money -from him?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> O, my dear, 'twas only in jest, I knew you'd -give it again to his wife.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> But amongst all this tintamar, I don't hear a word -of my hundred pounds. Is it Madam will pay me, or -Master?</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> I pay, the Devil shall pay.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Look you, my dear, malice apart, pay Mrs. -<em>Amlet</em> her money, and I'll forgive you the wrong you -intended my bed with <em>Araminta</em>: Am not I a good wife -now?</p> - -<p><em>Gripe.</em> I burst with rage, and will get rid of this noose, -tho' I tuck myself up in another.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> Nay, pray, e'en tuck me up with you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Mon.</span> and <span class="antiqua">Gripe.</span></em></p> - -<p><em>Clar. & Aram.</em> B'ye, dearies.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Dick</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Look, look, <em>Flippanta</em>, here's the colonel come -at last.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Ladies, I ask your pardon, I have stay'd so long, -but——</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Ah rogue's face, have I got thee, old Good-for-nought? -sirrah, sirrah, do you think to amuse me with -your marriages, and your great fortunes? Thou hast -play'd me a rare prank by my conscience. Why you -ungracious rascal, what do you think will be the end of -all this? Now Heaven forgive me, but I have a great -mind to hang thee for't.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> She talks to him very familiarly, <em>Flippanta</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> So methinks, by my faith.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Now the rogue's star is making an end of -him.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> What shall I do with her?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Do but look at him, my dames, he has the -countenance of a cherubim, but he's a rogue in his -heart.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> What is the meaning of all this, Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> The meaning, good lack! Why this all-to-be -powder'd rascal here, is my son, an't please you; ha, -graceless? Now I'll make you own your mother, vermine.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> What, the colonel your son?</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> 'Tis <em>Dick</em>, Madam, that rogue <em>Dick</em>, I have so -often told you of, with tears trickling down my old -cheeks.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> The woman's mad, it can never be.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Speak, rogue, am I not thy mother, ha? Did -I not bring thee forth? say then.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> What will you have me say? you had a mind -to ruin me, and you have done't; wou'd you do any -more?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Then, sir, you are son to good Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> And have had the assurance to put upon us all -this while?</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> And the confidence to think of marrying <em>Corinna</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> And the impudence to hire me for your servant, -who am as well born as yourself.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Indeed I think he shou'd be corrected.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> Indeed I think he deserves to be cudgell'd.</p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Indeed I think he might be pumpt.</p> - -<p><em>Brass.</em> Indeed I think he will be hang'd.</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Good lack-a-day, good lack-a-day! there's no -need to be so smart upon him neither: if he is not a -gentleman, he's a gentleman's fellow. Come hither, -<em>Dick</em>, they shan't run thee down neither: cock up thy -hat, <em>Dick</em>, and tell them tho' Mrs. <em>Amlet</em> is thy mother, -she can make thee amends, with ten thousand good -pounds to buy thee some lands, and build thee a house -in the midst on't.</p> - -<p><em>Omnes.</em> How!</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Ten thousand pounds, Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Yes, forsooth; tho' I shou'd lose the hundred, -you pawn'd your necklace for. Tell 'em that, <em>Dick</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Look you, <em>Flippanta</em>, I can hold no longer, and -I hate to see the young man abus'd. And so, Sir, if -you please, I'm your friend and servant, and what's -mine is yours; and when our estates are put together, I -don't doubt but we shall do as well as the best of 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Dick.</em> Say'st thou so, my little queen? Why then if -dear mother will give us her blessing, the parson shall -give us a tack. We'll get her a score of grand-children, -and a merry house we'll make her.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>They kneel to Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Amlet</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Aml.</em> Ah——ha, ha, ha, the pretty pair, the pretty -pair! rise my chickens, rise, rise and face the proudest -of them. And if Madam does not deign to give her -consent, a fig for her <em>Dick</em>——Why how now?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Pray, Mrs. <em>Amlet</em>, don't be in a passion, the -girl is my husband's girl, and if you can have his consent, -upon my word you shall have mine, for any thing that -belongs to him.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Flip.</em> Then all is peace again, but we have been more -lucky than wise.</p> - -<p><em>Aram.</em> And I suppose, for us, <em>Clarissa</em>, we are to go on -with our dears, as we us'd to do.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Just in the same track, for this late treaty of -agreement with 'em, was so unnatural, you see it cou'd -not hold. But 'tis just as well with us, as if it had. -Well, 'tis a strange fate, good folks. But while you -live, every thing gets well out of a broil, but a husband.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="EPILOGUE" id="EPILOGUE">EPILOGUE,</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter">Spoken by Mrs. <span class="smcap">Barry</span>. -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em><span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">I</span>'ve</span> heard wise men in politicks lay down</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>What feats by little England might be done,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Were all agreed, and all would act as one.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Ye wives a useful hint from this might take,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The heavy, old, despotick kingdom shake,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And make your matrimonial</em> Monsieurs <em>quake.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Our heads are feeble, and we're cramp'd by laws;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Our hands are weak, and not too strong our cause:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Yet would those heads and hands, such as they are,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>In firm confed'racy resolve on war,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>You'd find your tyrants——what I've found my dear.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>What only two united can produce</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>You've seen to-night, a sample for your use:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Single, we found we nothing could obtain;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>We join our force—and we subdu'd our men.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Believe me (my dear sex) they are not brave;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Try each your man, you'll quickly find your slave.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>I know they'll make campaigns, risk blood and life;</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But this is a more terrifying strife;</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They'll stand a shot, who'll tremble at a wife.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Beat then your drums, and your shrill trumpets sound,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Let all your visits of your feats resound:</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And deeds of war in cups of tea go round:</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The stars are with you, fate is in your hand,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>In twelve months time you've vanquish'd half the land;</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Be wise, and keep 'em under good command.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>This year will to your glory long be known,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And deathless ballads hand your triumphs down;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Your late atchievements ever will remain,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For tho' you cannot boast of many slain,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Your pris'ners shew, you've made a brave campaign.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p> -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/illus-089.jpg" width="700" height="38" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h2><a name="THE" id="THE">THE</a><br /> - -MISTAKE.<br /> - -A<br /> - -COMEDY.</h2> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/illus-089.jpg" width="700" height="38" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a><br /><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="PROLOGUE2" id="PROLOGUE2">PROLOGUE,</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Written by Mr.</em> <em class="gesperrt">STEELE</em>.</p> - -<p class="directcenter">Spoken by Mr. <em>Booth</em>. -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em><span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">O</span>ur</span> author's wit and rallery to-night</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Perhaps might please, but that your stage delight</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>No more is in your minds, but ears and sight.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With audiences compos'd of belles and beaux,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The first dramatick rule is, have good clothes,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To charm the gay spectator's gentle breast,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>In lace and feather Tragedy's express'd,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And heroes die unpity'd, if ill-dress'd.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i2"><em>The other stile you full as well advance;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>If 'tis a comedy, you ask——who dance?</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For oh! what dire convulsions have of late</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Torn and distracted each dramatick state,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>On this great question, which house first should sell</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The new <span class="antiqua">French</span> steps imported by <span class="antiqua">Ruel</span>!</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em><span class="antiqua">Desbarques</span> can't rise so high, we must agree,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They've half a foot in height more wit than we.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But tho' the genius of our learned age</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Thinks fit to dance and sing, quite off the stage,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>True action, comic mirth, and tragic rage;</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Yet as your taste now stands, our author draws</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Some hopes of your indulgence and applause.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For that great end this edifice he made,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Where humble swain at lady's feet is laid;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Where the pleas'd nymph her conquer'd lover spies,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Then to glass pillars turns her conscious eyes,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And points anew each charm, for which he dies.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i2"><em>The muse, before nor terrible nor great,</em><br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Enjoys by him this awful gilded seat:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>By him theatric angels mount more high,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And mimick thunders shake a broader sky.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Thus all must own, our author has done more</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For your delight, than any bard before.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>His thoughts are still to raise your pleasures fill'd;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To write, translate, to blazon, or to build.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Then take him in a lump, nor nicely pry</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Into small faults that 'scape a busy eye;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But kindly, Sirs, consider, he to-day</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Finds you the house, the actors, and the play:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>So, tho' we stage-mechanick rules omit,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>You must allow it in a whole-sale wit.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="Dramatis_Personae2" id="Dramatis_Personae2">Dramatis Personæ.</a></h3> - - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Dramatis Personæ"> - <tr> - <th colspan="2">MEN.</th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Don <em>Alvarez</em>, father to <em>Leonora</em>.</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Betterton.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Don <em>Felix</em>, father to <em>Lorenzo</em>.</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Bright.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Don <em>Carlos</em>, in love with <em>Leonora</em>.</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Booth.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Don <em>Lorenzo</em>, in love with <em>Leonora</em>.</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Husbands.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Metaphrastus</em>, tutor to <em>Camillo</em>.</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Freeman.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Sancho</em>, Servant to <em>Carlos</em>.</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Dogget.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Lopez</em>, servant to <em>Lorenzo</em>.</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Pack.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Bravo.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <th colspan="2">WOMEN.</th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Leonora</em>, daughter to <em>Alvarez</em>.</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Bowman.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Camillo</em>, suppos'd son to <em>Alvarez</em>.</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Harcourt.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Isabella</em>, her friend.</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Porter.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Jacinta</em>, servant to <em>Leonora</em>.</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Baker.</em></td> - </tr> -</table></div> -<p class="ph2">THE<br /> -MISTAKE.</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_I_SCENE_I2" id="ACT_I_SCENE_I2"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> I. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - -<p class="directcenter"><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>the Street</em>. -</p> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Carlos</span> and <span class="antiqua">Sancho</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">I</span></span> Tell thee, I am satisfy'd, I'm in love enough -to be suspicious of every body.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> And yet methinks, Sir, you shou'd leave me out.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> It may be so; I can't tell: but I'm not at ease. -If they don't make a knave, at least they will make a -fool of thee.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> I don't believe a word on't: but good faith, -Master, your love makes somewhat of you; I don't -know what 'tis; but methinks when you suspect me, you -don't seem a man of half those parts I us'd to take you -for. Look in my face, 'tis round and comely, not one -hollow line of a villain in it: men of my fabrick -don't use to be suspected for knaves; and when you take -us for fools, we never take you for wise men. For -my part, in this present case, I take myself to be mighty -deep. A stander-by, Sir, sees more than a gamester.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> -You are pleased to be jealous of your poor Mistress without -a cause, she uses you but too well, in my humble -opinion; she sees you, and talks with you, till I'm quite -tir'd on't sometimes; and your rival that you are so -scar'd about, forces a visit upon her about once in a -fortnight.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Alas, thou art ignorant of these affairs, he that's -the civilest received is often the least car'd for: women -appear warm to one, to hide a flame for another. <em>Lorenzo</em> -in short appears too compos'd of late to be a rejected -lover, and the indifference he shews upon the favours -I seem to receive from her, poisons the pleasure I else -shou'd taste in them, and keeps me upon a perpetual -rack. No——I would fain see some of his jealous -transports, have him fire at the sight of me, contradict -me whenever I speak, affront me wherever he meets me, -challenge me, fight me——</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> ——Run you through the guts.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> But he's too calm, his heart's too much at ease, -to leave me mine at rest.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> But, Sir, you forget that there are two ways for -our hearts to get at ease; when our mistresses come to -be very fond of us, or we—not to care a fig for them. -Now suppose upon the rebukes you know he has had, it -shou'd chance to be the latter.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Again thy ignorance appears; alas, a lover who -has broke his chain, will shun the tyrant that enslaved -him. Indifference never is his lot; he loves or hates for -ever; and if his mistress proves another's prize, he cannot -calmly see her in his arms.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> For my part, Master, I am not so great a philosopher -as you be, nor (thank my stars) so bitter a lover, -but what I see——that I generally believe; and when -<em>Jacinta</em> tells me she loves me dearly, I have good -thoughts enough of my person never to doubt the truth -on't. See here the baggage comes.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Jacinta</span> with a letter.</em> -</p> - -<p>Hist! <em>Jacinta</em>! my dear.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Who's that? Blunderbuss! Where's your Master?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Hard by.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Shewing him.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> O, Sir, I'm glad I have found you at last; I -believe I have travel'd five miles after you, and could -neither find you at home, nor in the walks, nor at -church, nor at the opera nor——</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Nor any where else, where he was not to be -found: if you had look'd for him where he was, 'twas -ten to one but you had met with him.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> I had, Jack-a-dandy!</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> But pr'ythee what's the matter? Who sent you -after me?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> One who's never well but when she sees you, -I think; 'twas my Lady.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Dear <em>Jacinta</em>, I fain would flatter myself, but -am not able; the blessing's too great to be my lot: yet -'tis not well to trifle with me; how short soe'er I -am in other merit, the tenderness I have for <em>Leonora</em> -claims something from her generosity. I should not be -deluded.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> And why do you think you are? methinks -she's pretty well above board with you: what must be -done more to satisfy you?</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Why <em>Lorenzo</em> must hang himself, and then we -are content.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> How! <em>Lorenzo</em>?</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> If less will do, he'll tell you.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Why, you are not mad, Sir, are you? Jealous -of him! Pray which way may this have got into -your head? I took you for a man of sense before——Is -this your doings, dog?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>To <span class="antiqua">Sancho</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>San.</em> No, forsooth <em>Pert</em>, I'm not much given to suspicion, -as you can tell, Mrs. <em>Forward</em>——if I were, I -might find more cause I guess, than your Mistress has -given our Master here. But I have so many pretty -thoughts of my own person, hussy, more than I have of -yours, that I stand in dread of no man.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> That's the way to prosper; however, so far -I'll confess the truth to thee; at least if that don't do, -nothing else will. Men are mighty simple in love-matters, -Sir: when you suspect woman's a falling off,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> -you fall a plaguing her to bring her on again, attack her -with reason and a sour face: udslife, Sir, attack her -with a fiddle, double your good humour——give her a -ball——powder your perriwig at her——let her cheat -you at cards a little, and I'll warrant all's right again. -But to come upon a poor woman with the gloomy face of -jealousy, before she gives the least occasion for't, is to -set a complaisant rival in too favourable a light. Sir, -Sir, I must tell you, I have seen those have ow'd their -success to nothing else.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Say no more; I have been to blame, but there -shall be no more on't.</p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> I should punish you but justly however for what's -past, if I carried back what I have brought you; but I'm -good-natur'd, so here 'tis; open it, and see how wrong -you tim'd your jealousy.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> [Reads.] <em>If you love me with that tenderness you -have made me long believe you do, this letter will be welcome; -'tis to tell you, you have leave to plead a daughter's -weakness to a father's indulgence: and if you prevail with -him to lay his commands upon me, you shall be as happy as my -obedience to them can make you.</em> Leonora.</p> - -<p>Then I shall be what man was never yet [<em>Kissing the -Letter.</em>] Ten thousand blessings on thee for thy news, -I could adore thee as a Deity.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Embracing <span class="antiqua">Jacin</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> True flesh and blood, every inch of her, for all -that.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> [Reads again.] <em>And if you prevail with him to lay -his commands upon me, you shall be as happy as my obedience -to them can make you.</em></p> - -<p>O happy, happy <em>Carlos</em>! But what shall I say to thee -for this welcome message? [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Jacinta</span>.</em>] Alas! I want -words——But let this speak for me, and this, and this, -and——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Giving her his ring, watch, and purse.</em></p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Hold, Sir; pray leave a little something for our -board-wages. You can't carry 'em all, I believe: [<em>To -<span class="antiqua">Jacinta</span>.</em>] shall I ease thee of this?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Offering to take the purse.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> No; but you may carry——That, sirrah.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Giving him a box o' th' ear.</em></p> - -<p><em>San.</em> The jade's grown purse-proud already.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Well, dear <em>Jacinta</em>, say something to your -charming mistress, that I am not able to say myself: But, -above all, excuse my late unpardonable folly, and offer -her my life to expiate my crime.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> The best plea for pardon will be never to repeat -the fault.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> If that will do 'tis seal'd for ever.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Enough; but I must be gone; success attend -you with the old gentleman. Good-by t'ye, Sir.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Jacin</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Eternal blessings follow thee.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> I think she has taken them all with her; the jade -has got her apron full.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Is not that <em>Lorenzo</em> coming this way?</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Yes, 'tis he; for my part now I pity the poor -gentleman.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lorenzo</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> I'll let him see at last I can be chearful too. -Your servant, Don <em>Lorenzo</em>; how do you do this morning?</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> I thank you, Don <em>Carlos</em>, perfectly well both in -body and mind.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> What! cur'd of your love, then?</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> No, nor I hope I never shall. May I ask you -how 'tis with yours?</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Increasing every hour; we are very constant -both.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> I find so much delight in being so, I hope I never -shall be otherwise.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Those joys I am well acquainted with. But -should lose them soon, were I to meet a cool reception.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> That's every generous lover's case, no doubt; -an angel could not fire my heart but with an equal -flame.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> And yet you said you still lov'd <em>Leonora</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> And yet I said I lov'd her.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Does she then return you——</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Everything my passion can require.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Its wants are small, I find.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Extended as the Heavens.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> I pity you.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> He must be a Deity that does so.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Yet I'm a mortal, and once more can pity you. -Alas, <em>Lorenzo</em>, 'tis a poor cordial to an aching heart, to -have the tongue alone announce it happy; besides 'tis -mean, you should be more a man.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> I find I have made you an unhappy one, so can -forgive the boilings of your spleen.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> This seeming calmness might have the effect -your vanity proposes by it; had I not a testimony of her -love would (should I shew it) sink you to the center.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Yet still I'm calm as ever.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Nay then have at your peace. Read that, and -end the farce.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Gives him <span class="antiqua">Leonora</span>'s letter.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> [<em>Reads.</em>] I have read it.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> And know the hand?</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> 'Tis <em>Leonora</em>'s; I have often seen it.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> I hope you then at last are satisfied.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> I am, [<em>Smiling.</em>] Good-morrow, <em>Carlos</em>.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Lor</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Sure he's mad, Master.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Mad! say'st thou?</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> And yet by'r lady, that was a sort of a dry sober -smile at going off.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> A very sober one! Had he shewn me such a -letter, I had put on another countenance.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Ay, o' my conscience had you.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Here's mystery in this——I like it not.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> I see his man and confidant there, <em>Lopez</em>. Shall -I draw on a <em>Scotch</em> pair of boots, Master, and make -him tell all?</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Some questions I must ask him; call him hither.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Hem, <em>Lopez</em>, hem!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lopez</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Who calls?</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> I, and my master.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> I can't stay.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> You can indeed, Sir.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Laying hold on him.</em></p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Whither in such haste, honest <em>Lopez</em>! What! -upon some love errand?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Sir, your servant; I ask your pardon, but I was -going——</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> I guess where; but you need not be shy of me -any more, thy master and I are no longer rivals; I have -yielded up the cause; the lady will have it so, so I -submit.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Is it possible, Sir, shall I then live to see my -master and you friends again?</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Yes; and what's better, thou and I shall be -friends too. There will be no more fear of Christian -bloodshed. I give thee up <em>Jacinta</em>; she's a slippery -hussy, so master and I are going to match ourselves -elsewhere.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> But is it possible, Sir, your honour should be in -earnest? I'm afraid you are pleased to be merry with -your poor humble servant.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> I'm not at present much dispos'd to mirth, my -indifference in this matter is not so thoroughly form'd; -but my reason has so far master'd my passion, to shew me -'tis in vain to pursue a woman whose heart already is -another's. 'Tis what I have so plainly seen of late, I -have rous'd my resolution to my aid, and broke my -chains for ever.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Well, Sir, to be plain with you, this is the joyfullest -news I have heard this long time; for I always -knew you to be a mighty honest gentleman, and good -faith it often went to the heart o' me to see you so -abused. Dear, dear have I often said to myself (when -they have had a private meeting just after you have been -gone)——</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Ha!</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Hold, Master, don't kill him yet.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>To <span class="antiqua">Car.</span> aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> I say I have said to myself, what wicked things -are women, and what pity it is they should be suffer'd -in a Christian country; what a shame they should be -allow'd to play Will-in-the-wisp with men of honour,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span> -and lead them thro' thorns and briars, and rocks, and -rugged ways, 'till their hearts are all torn to pieces, -like an old coat in a fox-chace; I say, I have said to -myself——</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Thou hast said enough to thyself, but say a little -more to me: Where were these secret meetings thou -talk'st of?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> In sundry places, and by divers ways; sometimes -in the cellar, sometimes in the garret, sometimes in the -court, sometimes in the gutter; but the place where the -kiss of kisses was given was——</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> In Hell.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Sir!</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Speak, fury, what dost thou mean by the kiss -of kisses?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> The kiss of peace, Sir, the kiss of union; the -kiss of consummation.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Thou ly'st, villain.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> I don't know but I may, Sir,——What the -Devil's the matter now?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> There's not a word of truth in all thy cursed -tongue has utter'd.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> No, Sir, I——I——believe there is not.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Why then didst thou say it, wretch?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> O——only in jest. Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> I am not in a jesting condition.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Nor I at present, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Speak then the truth, as thou wouldst do it at -the hour of death.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Yes, at the gallows, and be turn'd off as soon as -I've done.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> What's that you murmur?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Nothing but a short prayer.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> I am distracted, and fright the wretch from -telling me what I am upon the rack to know. [<em>Aside.</em>] -Forgive me, <em>Lopez</em>, I am to blame to speak thus harshly -to thee: let this obtain thy pardon. [<em>Gives him money.</em>] -Thou see'st I am disturb'd.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Yes, Sir, I see I have been led into a snare; -I have said too much.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> And yet you must say more; nothing can lessen -my torment, but a farther knowledge of what causes my -misery. Speak then! Have I any thing to hope?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Nothing; but that you may be a happier bachelor, -than my master may probably be a married man.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Married, say'st thou?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> I did, Sir, and believe he'll say so too in a -twelvemonth.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> O torment!—--But give me more on't: -When, how, to whom, where?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Yesterday, to <em>Leonora</em>, by the parson, in the -pantry.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Look to't, if this be false, thy life shall pay the -torment thou hast given me: be gone.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> With the body and the soul o'me.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Ex. <span class="antiqua">Lopez</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Base news, Master.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Now my insulting rival's smile speaks out: O -cursed, cursed woman!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Jacinta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> I'm come in haste to tell you, Sir, that as soon -as the moon's up, my lady will give you a meeting -in the close-walk by the back-door of the garden; she -thinks she has something to propose to you will certainly -get her father's consent to marry you.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Past sufferance! this aggravation is not to be -borne: go, thank her—with my curses: fly——and -let them blast her, while their venom is strong.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Car</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em>——Won't thou explain? What's this -storm for?</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> And dar'st thou ask me questions, smooth-faced -iniquity, crocodile of <em>Nile</em>, syren of the rocks? Go -carry back the too gentle answer thou hast received: -only let me add with the poet:</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>We are no fools, trollop, my Master nor me;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And thy Mistress may go——to the Devil with thee.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Sancho</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Jacinta</span> sola.</em> -</p> - -<p>Am I awake!—--I fancy not; a very idle dream -this. Well: I'll go talk in my sleep to my lady about -it; and when I awake, we'll try what interpretation we -can make on't.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_II_SCENE_I" id="ACT_II_SCENE_I"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> II. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Camillo</span> and <span class="antiqua">Isabella</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><span class="smcap">Isabella.</span> -</p> - -<p class="drop-capw"><span class="smcap">How</span> can you doubt my secrecy? Have you not -proofs of it?</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Nay I am determin'd to trust you; but are we -safe here? can no body over-hear us?</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Much safer than in a room. No body can come -within hearing, before we see them.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> And yet how hard 'tis for me to break silence!</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Your secret sure must be of great importance.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> You may be sure it is, when I confess 'tis with -regret I own it e'en to you; and were it possible, you -should not know it.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> 'Tis frankly own'd, indeed; but 'tis not kind, -perhaps not prudent; after what you know I already am -acquainted with. Have not I been bred up with you? -And am I ignorant of a secret, which were it known——</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Would be my ruin; I confess it would. I own -you know why both my birth and sex are thus disguised; -you know how I was taken from my cradle to secure -the estate, which had else been lost by young <em>Camillo</em>'s -death; but which is now safe in my supposed father's -hands, by my passing for his son; and 'tis because you -know all this, I have resolved to open farther wonders -to you. But before I say any more, you must resolve -one doubt, which often gives me great disturbance;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> -whether Don <em>Alvarez</em> ever was himself privy to the Mystery -which has disguised my sex, and made me pass for -his son?</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> What you ask me, is a thing has often perplex'd -my thoughts, as well as yours, nor could my -mother ever resolve the doubt. You know when that -young child <em>Camillo</em> dy'd, in whom was wrapt up so -much expectation, from the great estate his uncle's will -(even before he came into the world) had left him; his -mother made a secret of his death to her husband <em>Alvarez</em>, -and readily fell in with a proposal made her to take -you (who then was just <em>Camillo</em>'s Age) and bring you -up in his room. You have heard how you were then at -nurse with my mother, and how your own was privy and -consenting to the plot; but Don <em>Alvarez</em> was never led -into it by 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Don't you then think it probable his wife might -after tell him?</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> 'Twas ever thought nothing but a death-bed -repentance cou'd draw it from her to any one; and that -was prevented by the suddenness of her exit to t'other -world, which did not give her even time to call Heaven's -mercy on her. And yet now I have said all this, -I own the correspondence and friendship I observe he -holds with your real mother, gives me some suspicion, -and the presents he often makes her (which people seldom -do for nothing) confirm it. But since this is all I can say -to you on that point, pray let us come to the secret, -which you have made me impatient to hear.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Know then, that tho' <em>Cupid</em> is blind, he is not -to be deceived: I can hide my sex from the world but -not from him; his dart has found the way thro' the -manly garb I wear to pierce a virgin's tender heart——I -love——</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> How!</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Nay be'nt surpriz'd at that, I have other wonders -for you.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Quick, let me hear 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> I love <em>Lorenzo</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> <em>Lorenzo</em>! Most nicely hit. The very man from<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> -whom your imposture keeps this vast estate; and who on -the first knowledge of your being a woman wou'd enter -into possession of it. This is indeed a wonder.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Then wonder still, I am his wife.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Ha! his wife!</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> His wife, <em>Isabella</em>; and yet thou hast not all my -wonders, I am his wife without his knowledge: he does -not even know I am a woman.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Madam, your humble servant; if you please to -go on, I won't interrupt you, indeed I won't.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Then hear how these strange things have past; -<em>Lorenzo</em>, bound unregarded in my sister's chains, seem'd -in my eyes a conquest worth her care. Nor cou'd I -see him treated with contempt, without growing warm -in his interest: I blam'd <em>Leonora</em> for not being touch'd -with his merit; I blam'd her so long, 'till I grew touch'd -with it myself: and the reasons I urg'd to vanquish her -heart, insensibly made a conquest of my own: 'Twas -thus, my friend, I fell. What was next to be done -my passion pointed out; my heart I felt was warm'd -to a noble enterprize, I gave it way, and boldly on -it led me. <em>Leonora</em>'s name and voice, in the dark shades -of night, I borrow'd, to engage the object of my -wishes. I met him, <em>Isabella</em>, and so deceived him; he -cannot blame me sure, for much I blest him. But to -finish this strange story: in short I own, I long had -lov'd, but finding my father most averse to my desires, -I at last had forc'd myself to this secret correspondence; -I urg'd the mischiefs would attend the knowledge on't, -I urg'd them so, he thought them full of weight, so -yielded to observe what rules I gave him: they were, -to pass the day in cold indifference, to avoid even signs -or looks of intimacy, but gather for the still, the secret -night, a flood of love to recompence the losses of the -day. I will not trouble you with lovers cares, nor what -contrivances we form'd to bring this toying to a solid -bliss. Know only, when three nights we thus had -pass'd, the fourth it was agreed should make us one -for ever; each kept their promise, and last night has -join'd us.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Indeed your talents pass my poor extent; you -serious ladies are well form'd for business: What -wretched work a poor coquet had made on't! But still -there's that remains will try your skill; you have your -man, but——</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Lovers think no farther, the object of that -passion possesses all desire; however I have open'd to -you my wond'rous situation. If you can advise me in -my difficulties to come, you will. But see——My -husband!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lorenzo</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> You look as if you were busy, pray tell me if I -interrupt you, I'll retire.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> No, no, you have a right to interrupt us, since -you were the subject of our discourse.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Was I?</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> You were; nay, I'll tell you how you entertain'd -us too.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Perhaps I had as good avoid hearing that.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> You need not fear, it was not to your disadvantage; -I was commending you and saying, if I had been -a woman I had been in danger; nay I think I said I -shou'd infallibly have been in love with you.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> While such an If is in the way, you run no great -risque in declaring; but you'd be finely catch'd now, -shou'd some wonderful transformation give me a claim -to your heart.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Not sorry for't at all, for I ne'er expect to find -a mistress please me half so well as you would do if I -were yours.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Since you are so well inclin'd to me in your -wishes, Sir, I suppose (as the fates have ordain'd it) you -wou'd have some pleasure in helping me to a mistress, -since you can't be mine yourself.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Indeed I shou'd not.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Then my obligation is but small to you.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Why, wou'd you have a woman, that is in -love with you herself, employ her interest to help you to -another?</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> No, but you being no woman might.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Sir, 'tis as a woman I say what I do, and I suppose -myself a woman when I design all these favours to -you: therefore out of that supposition, I have no other -good intentions to you than you may expect from one -that says he's——Sir, your humble servant.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> So unless Heaven is pleas'd to work a miracle, -and from a sturdy young fellow, make you a kind-hearted -young lady, I'm to get little by your good opinion -of me.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Yes; there is one means yet left (on this side -a miracle) that wou'd perhaps engage me, if with an -honest oath you could declare, were I woman, I might -dispute your heart even with the first of my pretending -sex.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Then solemnly and honestly I swear, that had you -been a woman, and I the master of the world, I think I -should have laid it at your feet.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Then honestly and solemnly I swear, henceforwards -all your interest shall be mine.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> I have a secret to impart to you will quickly try -your friendship.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> I've a secret to unfold to you will put you even -to a fiery trial.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> What do you mean, <em>Camillo</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> I mean that I love, where I never durst yet -own it, yet where 'tis in your power to make me the happiest -of——</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Explain, <em>Camillo</em>; and be assur'd if your happiness -is in my power, 'tis in your own.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Alas! you promise me you know not what.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> I promise nothing but what I will perform; name -the person.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> 'Tis one who is very near to you.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> If 'tis my sister, why all this pain in bringing -forth the secret?</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Alas! it is your——</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Speak!</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> I cannot yet; farewel.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Hold! Pray speak it now.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> I must not: but when you tell me your secret, -you shall know mine.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Mine is not in my power, without the consent of -another.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Get that consent, and then we'll try who best -will keep their oaths.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> I am content.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> And I. Adieu.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Farewel.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Lorenzo</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Leonora</span> and <span class="antiqua">Jacinta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> 'Tis enough: I will revenge myself this way; -if it does but torment him, I shall be content to find no -other pleasure in it. Brother, you'll wonder at my -change; after all my ill usage of <em>Lorenzo</em>, I am determined -to be his wife.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> How, sister! so sudden a turn? This inequality -of temper indeed is not commendable.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Your change, brother, is much more justly surprizing; -you hitherto have pleaded for him strongly, -accus'd me of blindness, cruelty, and pride; and now I -yield to your reasons, and resolve in his favour, you -blame my compliance, and appear against his interest.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> I quit his service for what's dearer to me, yours. -I have learn'd from sure intelligence, the attack he made -on you was but a feint, and that his heart is in another's -chain; I would not therefore see you expos'd, to offer -up yourself to one who must refuse you.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> If that be all, leave me my honour to take care -of; I am no stranger to his wishes, he won't refuse me, -brother, nor I hope will you, to tell him of my resolution: -if you do, this moment with my own tongue -(thro' all the virgin's blushes) I'll own to him I am determin'd -in his favour——You pause as if you'd let the -task lie on me.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Neither on you, nor me; I have a reason you are -yet a stranger to: know then there is a virgin young -and tender, whose peace and happiness so much are -mine, I cannot see her miserable; she loves him with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> -that torrent of desire, that were the world resign'd her -in his stead, she'd still be wretched: I will not pique -you to a female strife, by saying you have not charms -to tear him from her; but I would move you to a female -softness, by telling you her death wou'd wait your -conquest. What I have more to plead is as a brother, I -hope that gives me some small interest in you; whate'er -it is, you see how I'd employ it.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> You ne'er cou'd put it to a harder service. I beg -a little time to think: pray leave me to myself a -while.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> I shall; I only ask that you wou'd think, and -then you won't refuse me.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Cam</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Indeed, Madam, I'm of your brother's mind, -tho' for another cause; but sure 'tis worth thinking -twice on for your own sake: you are too violent.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> A slighted woman knows no bounds. Vengeance -is all the cordial she can have, so snatches at the -nearest. Ungrateful wretch! to use me with such insolence.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> You see me as much enrag'd at it, as you are -yourself, yet my brain is roving after the cause, for -something there must be: never letter was receiv'd by -man with more passion and transport; I was almost as -charming a goddess as yourself, only for bringing it. -Yet when in a moment after I come with a message worth -a dozen on't, never was witch so handled; something -must have pass'd between one and t'other, that's sure.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Nothing cou'd pass worth my enquiring after, -since nothing cou'd happen that can excuse his usage of -me; he had a letter under my hand which own'd him -master of my heart; and till I contradicted it with my -mouth, he ought not to doubt the truth on't.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Nay I confess, madam, I han't a word to say -for him, I'm afraid he's a rogue at bottom, as well as -my shameless that attends him; we are bit, by my -troth, and haply well enough serv'd, for list'ning to the -glib tongues of the rascals: but be comforted, Madam; -they'll fall into the hands of some foul sluts or other, -before they die, that will set our account even with e'm.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Well: let him laugh; let him glory in what -he has done: he shall see I have a spirit can use him as -I ought.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> And let one thing be your comfort by the -way, Madam, that in spite of all your dear affections -to him, you have had the grace to keep him at arms -length. You han't thank'd me for't; but good faith -'twas well I did not stir out of the chamber that fond -night. For there are times the stoutest of us are in danger, -the rascals wheedle so.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> In short, my very soul is fir'd with his treatment: -and if ever that perfidious monster should relent, though -he should crawl like a poor worm beneath my feet, nay -plunge a dagger in his heart, to bleed for pardon; I -charge thee strictly, charge thee on thy life, thou do not -urge a look to melt me toward him, but strongly buoy -me up in brave resentment; and if thou see'st (which -heav'ns avert) a glance of weakness in me, rouse to my -memory the vile wrongs I've borne, and blazon them -with skill in all their glaring colours.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Madam, never doubt me; I'm charged to the -mouth with fury, and if ever I meet that fat traitor of -mine, such a volley will I pour about his ears——Now -heav'n prevent all hasty vows; but in the humour I am, -methinks I'd carry my maiden-head to my cold grave -with me, before I'd let it simper at the rascal. But -soft; here comes your father.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Alvarez</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> <em>Leonora</em>, I'd have you retire a little, and send -your brother's tutor to me, <em>Metaphrastus</em>.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Leo.</span> and <span class="antiqua">Jacin</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Solus.</em> -</p> - -<p>I'll try if I can discover, by his tutor, what it is that -seems so much to work his brain of late; for something -more than common there plainly does appear, yet nothing -sure that can disturb his soul, like what I have to -torture mine upon his account. Sure nothing in this -world is worth a troubled mind: what racks has avarice -stretch'd me on! I wanted nothing, kind heav'n<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> -had given me a plenteous lot, and seated me in great -abundance; why then approve I of this imposture? -What have I gain'd by it? Wealth and misery. I have -barter'd peaceful days for restless nights; a wretched -bargain! and he that merchandises thus, must be undone -at last.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Metaphrastus</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> <em>Mandatum tuum curo diligenter.</em></p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Master, I had a mind to ask you——</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> The title, master, comes from <em>Magis</em> and -<em>Ter</em>, which is as much, to say, <em>thrice worthy</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> I never heard so much before, but it may be true -for ought I know: but, master——</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> Go on.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Why so I will if you'll let me, but don't interrupt -me then.</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> Enough, proceed.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Why then, master, for a third time, my son -<em>Camillo</em> gives me much uneasiness of late; you know I -love him, and have many careful thoughts about him.</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> 'Tis true. <em>Filio non potest præferri nisi filius.</em></p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Master, when one has business to talk on, these -scholastic expressions are not of use; I believe you a great -Latinist; possibly you may understand <em>Greek</em>: those who -recommended you to me, said so, and I am willing it -should be true: but the thing I want to discourse you -about at present, does not properly give you an occasion -to display your learning. Besides, to tell you truth, 'twill -at all times be lost upon me; my father was a wise man, -but he taught me nothing beyond common sense; I -know but one tongue in the world, which luckily being -understood by you as well as me, I fancy whatever -thoughts we have to communicate to one another, may -reasonably be convey'd in that, without having recourse -to the language of <em>Julius Cæsar</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> You are wrong, but may proceed.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> I thank you: what is the matter, I do not know; -but tho' it is of the utmost consequence to me to marry<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span> -my son, what match soever I propose to him, he still -finds some pretence or other to decline it.</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> He is, perhaps, of the humour of a brother of -<em>Marcus Tullius</em>, who——</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Dear master, leave the <em>Greeks</em>, and the <em>Latins</em>, -and the <em>Scotch</em>, and the <em>Welsh</em>, and let me go on in my -business; what have those people to do with my son's -marriage?</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> Again you are wrong; but go on.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> I say then, that I have strong apprehensions from -his refusing all my proposals, that he may have some secret -inclination of his own; and to confirm me in this -fear, I yesterday observed him (without his knowing -it) in a corner of the grove, where nobody comes——</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> A place out of the way, you would say; a -place of retreat.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Why, the corner of the grove, where nobody -comes, is a place of retreat, is it not?</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> In <em>Latin</em>, <em>secessus</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Ha!</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> As <em>Virgil</em> has it. <em>Est in secessu locus.</em></p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> How could <em>Virgil</em> have it, when I tell you no -soul was there but he and I?</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> <em>Virgil</em> is a famous author, I quote his saying -as a phrase more proper to the occasion than that you use, -and not as one who was in the wood with you.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> And I tell you, I hope to be as famous as any -<em>Virgil</em> of 'em all, when I have been dead as long, and -have no need of a better phrase than my own to tell you -my meaning.</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> You ought however to make choice of the -words most us'd by the best authors. <em>Tu vivendo bonos</em>, -as they say, <em>scribendo sequare peritos</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Again!</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> 'Tis <em>Quintilian</em>'s own precept.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Oons——</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> And he hath something very learned upon it, -that may be of service to you to hear.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> You son of a whore, will you hear me speak?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> What may be the occasion of this unmanly -passion? What is it you would have with me?</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> What you might have known an hour ago, if -you had pleas'd.</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> You would then have me hold my peace.——I -shall.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> You will do very well.</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> You see I do; well, go on.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Why then, to begin once again, I say my son -<em>Camillo</em>——</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> Proceed; I shan't interrupt you.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> I say, my son <em>Camillo</em>——</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> What is it you say of your son <em>Camillo</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> That he has got a dog of a tutor, whose brains -I'll beat out, if he won't hear me speak.</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> That dog is a philosopher, contemns passion, -and yet will hear you.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> I don't believe a word on't, but I'll try once -again; I have a mind to know from you, whether you -have observ'd any thing in my son——</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> Nothing that is like his father. Go on.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Have a care.</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> I do not interrupt you; but you are long in -coming to a conclusion.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Why, thou hast not let me begin yet.</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> And yet 'tis high time to have made an end.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Dost thou know thy danger? I have not——thus -much patience left.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Shewing the end of his finger</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> Mine is already consum'd. I do not use to -be thus treated; my profession is to teach, and not to -hear, yet I have hearken'd like a school-boy, and am -not heard, altho' a master.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Get out of the room.</p> - -<p><em>Metaph.</em> I will not. If the mouth of a wise man be -shut, he is, as it were, a fool; for who shall know his -understanding? Therefore a certain philosopher said well, -Speak, that thou may'st be known; great talkers, without -knowledge, are as the winds that whistle; but they -who have learning, should speak aloud. If this be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span> -not permitted, we may expect to see the whole order of -nature o'erthrown; hens devour foxes, and lambs destroy -wolves, nurses suck children, and children give -suck; generals mend stockings, and chambermaids take -towns; we may expect, I say——</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> That, and that, and that, and——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Strikes him, and kicks him; and then follows him -off with a bell at his ear.</em></p> - -<p><em>Metaph. O tempora! O mores!</em></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_III_SCENE_I" id="ACT_III_SCENE_I"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> III. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - -<p class="directcenter"><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>the Street</em>. -</p> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lopez</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">S</span>ometimes</span> fortune seconds a bold design, and -when folly has brought us into a trap, impudence -brings us out on't. I have been caught by this -hot-headed lover here, and have told like a puppy what -I shall be beaten for like a dog. Come! courage, my -dear <em>Lopez</em>; fire will fetch out fire: thou hast told one -body thy master's secret, e'en tell it to half a dozen more, -and try how that will thrive; go tell it to the two old -Dons, the lovers fathers. The thing's done, and can't -be retriev'd; perhaps they'll lay their two ancient -heads together, club a pennyworth of wisdom a-piece, -and with great penetration at last find out, that 'tis best -to submit, where 'tis not in their power to do otherwise. -This being resolv'd, there's no time to be lost.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Knocks at <span class="antiqua">Alvarez</span>'s door.</em></p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Who knocks?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Within.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> <em>Lopez</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> What dost want?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Looking out.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> To bid you good-morrow, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Well, good-morrow to thee again.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Retires.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> What a——I think he does not care for my -company.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Knocks again.</em></p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Who knocks?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> <em>Lopez</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> What would'st have?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Looking out.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> My old master, Sir, gives his service to you, and -desires to know how you do.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> How I do? Why well: how shou'd I do? Service -to him again.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Retires.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> [<em>Returning.</em>] What the deuce wouldst thou have -with me, with thy good-morrows, and thy services?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> This man does not understand good breeding, I -find. [<em>Aside.</em>] Why, Sir, my master has some very earnest -business with you.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Business! About what? What business can he -have with me?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> I don't know, truly; but 'tis some very important -matter: he has just now (as I hear) discover'd some -great secret, which he must needs talk with you about.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Ha! a secret, say'st thou?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Yes; and bid me bring him word, if you were at -home, he'd be with you presently. Sir, your humble -servant.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Lopez</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Alvarez</span> solus.</em> -</p> - -<p>A secret: and must speak with me about it! Heav'ns, -how I tremble! What can this message mean? I have -very little acquaintance with him, what business can he -have with me? An important secret 'twas, he said, and -that he had just discover'd it. Alas, I have in the -world but one, if it be that——I'm lost; an eternal -blot must fix upon me. How unfortunate am I, that I -have not follow'd the honest counsels of my heart, which -have often urg'd me to set my conscience at ease, by -rendering to him the estate that is his due, and which by -a foul imposture I keep from him. But 'tis now too late; -my villainy is out, and I shall not only be forc'd with -shame to restore him what is his, but shall be perhaps -condemned to make him reparation with my own. -O terrible view!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">Felix</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> My son to go and marry her, without her father's -knowledge? This can never end well. I don't -know what to do, he'll conclude I was privy to it, and -his power and interest are so great at court, he may with -ease contrive my ruin: I tremble at his sending to speak -with me——Mercy on me, there he is.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Ah! Shield me, kind heaven! There's Don -Felix come: how I am struck with the sight of him! O -the torment of a guilty mind!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> What shall I say to soften him?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> How shall I look him in the face?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> 'Tis impossible he can forgive it.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> To be sure he'll expose me to the whole world.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> I see his countenance change.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> With what contempt he looks upon me!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> I see, Don <em>Alvarez</em>, by the disorder of your -face, you are but too well inform'd of what brings me -here.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> 'Tis true.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> The news may well surprize you, 'tis what -I have been far from apprehending.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Wrong, very wrong, indeed.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> This action is certainly to the last point to -be condemn'd, and I think nobody should pretend to -excuse the guilty.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> They are not to be excus'd, tho' heaven may -have mercy.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> That's what I hope you will consider.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> We should act as Christians.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Most certainly.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Let mercy then prevail.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> It is indeed of heavenly birth.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Generous Don <em>Felix</em>!</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Too indulgent <em>Alvarez</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> I thank you on my knee.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> 'Tis I ought to have been there first.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>They kneel.</em></p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Is it then possible we are friends?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Embrace me to confirm it.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>They embrace.</em></p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Thou best of men!</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Unlook'd-for bounty!</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Did you know the torment [<em>Rising.</em>] this unhappy -action has given me——</p> - -<p>Don. <em>Fel.</em> 'Tis impossible it could do otherwise; nor -has my trouble been less.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> But let my misfortune be kept secret.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Most willingly; my advantage is sufficient -by it, without the vanity of making it publick to the -world.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Incomparable goodness! That I should thus -have wronged a man so worthy! [<em>Aside.</em>] My honour -then, is safe?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> For ever, even for ever let it be a secret, I -am content.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Noble gentleman! [<em>Aside.</em>] As to what advantages -ought to accrue to you by it, it shall be all to your -entire satisfaction.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Wonderful bounty! [<em>Aside.</em>] As to that, -Don <em>Alvarez</em>, I leave it entirely to you, and shall be -content with whatever you think reasonable.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> I thank you, from my soul I must, you know I -must.——This must be an angel, not a man.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> The thanks lie on my side, <em>Alvarez</em>, for -this unexpected generosity, but may all faults be forgot, -and heav'n ever prosper you.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> The same prayer I, with a double fervour, offer -up for you.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Let us then once more embrace, and be forgiveness -seal'd for ever.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Agreed; thou best of men, agreed.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>They embrace.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> This thing then being thus happily terminated, -let me own to you, Don <em>Alvarez</em>, I was in extreme -apprehensions of your utmost resentment on this -occasion; for I could not doubt but you had form'd -more happy views in the disposal of so fair a daughter<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span> -as <em>Leonora</em>, than my poor son's inferior fortune e'er can -answer; but since they are join'd, and that——</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Ha!</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Nay, 'tis very likely to discourse of it may -not be very pleasing to you, tho' your christianity and -natural goodness have prevail'd on you so generously to -forgive it. But to do justice to <em>Leonora</em>, and skreen her -from your too harsh opinion in this unlucky action, 'twas -that cunning wicked creature that attends her, who by -unusual arts wrought her to this breach of duty, for her -own inclinations were dispos'd to all the modesty and resignation -a father could ask from a daughter; my son -I can't excuse, but since your bounty does so, I hope -you'll quite forget the fault of the less guilty <em>Leonora</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> What a mistake have I lain under here! And -from a groundless apprehension of one misfortune, find -myself in the certainty of another.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> He looks disturb'd; what can this mean?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> My daughter marry'd to his son!—--Confusion. -But I find myself in such unruly agitation, something -wrong may happen if I continue with him; I'll therefore -leave him.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> You seem thoughtful, Sir, I hope there's -no——</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> A sudden disorder I am seiz'd with; you'll pardon -me, I must retire.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Alvarez</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Don <span class="antiqua">Felix</span> solus.</em> -</p> - -<p>I don't like this: He went oddly off—I doubt he -finds this bounty difficult to go through with. His natural -resentment is making an attack upon his acquir'd -generosity: pray heaven it ben't too strong for't. The -misfortune is a great one, and can't but touch him nearly. -It was not natural to be so calm; I wish it don't -yet drive him to my ruin. But here comes this young -hot-brain'd coxcomb, who with his midnight amours -has been the cause of all this mischief to me.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lorenzo</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>So, Sir, you are come to receive my thanks for your -noble exploit? You think you have done bravely now, -ungracious offspring, to bring perpetual troubles on me. -Must there never pass a day, but I must drink some bitter -potion or other of your preparation for me?</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> I am amaz'd, Sir; pray what have I done to -deserve your anger?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Nothing; no manner of thing in the -world; nor never do. I am an old testy fellow, and am -always scolding, and finding fault for nothing; complaining -that I have got a coxcomb of a son, that makes -me weary of my life, fancying he perverts the order of -nature, turning day into night, and night into day; -getting whims in my brain, that he consumes his life in -idleness, unless he rouses now and then to do some noble -stroke of mischief; and having an impertinent dream at -this time, that he has been making the fortune of the family, -by an underhand marriage with the daughter of a -man who will crush us all to powder for it. Ah——ungracious -wretch; to bring an old man into all this -trouble! The pain thou gav'st thy mother to bring thee -into the world, and the plague thou hast given me to -keep thee here, make the getting thee (tho' 'twas in -our honey-moon) a bitter remembrance to us both.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Don <span class="antiqua">Felix</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Lorenzo</span> solus.</em> -</p> - -<p>So——all's out——Here's a noble storm arising, and -I'm at sea in a cock-boat. But which way could this -business reach him? By this traitor <em>Lopez</em>——it must be -so; it could be no other way; for only he, and the -priest that marry'd us, knew of it. The villain will never -confess tho'. I must try a little address with him, -and conceal my anger. O, here he comes.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lopez</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> <em>Lopez</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Do you call, Sir?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> I find all's discover'd to my father, the secret's -out; he knows my marriage.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> He knows your marriage. How the pest should -that happen? Sir, 'tis impossible; that's all.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> I tell thee 'tis true; he knows every particular of -it.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> He does!—--Why then, Sir, all I can say is, -that Satan and he are better acquainted than the devil -and a good Christian ought to be.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Which way he has discover'd it I can't tell, nor -am I much concern'd to know, since beyond all my expectations, -I find him perfectly easy at it, and ready to -excuse my fault with better reasons than I can find to do -it myself.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Say you so?——I am very glad to hear that, -then all's safe.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> 'Tis unexpected good fortune; but it could never -proceed purely from his own temper, there must -have been pains taken with him to bring him to this -calm; I'm sure I owe much to the bounty of some friend -or other; I wish I knew where my obligation lay, that I -might acknowledge it as I ought.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Are you thereabout's, I'faith? Then sharp's the -word; I'gad I'll own the thing, and receive his bounty -for't. [<em>Aside.</em>] Why, Sir——not that I pretend to make -a merit o'the matter, for alas, I am but your poor hireling, -and therefore bound in duty to render you all the -service I can——But——'tis I have don't.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> What hast thou done?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> What no man else could have done; the job, Sir, -told him the secret, and then talk'd him into a liking on't.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> 'Tis impossible; thou dost not tell me true.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Sir, I scorn to reap any thing from another man's -labours, but if this poor piece of service carries any merit -with it, you now know where to reward it.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Thou art not serious!</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> I am; or may hunger be my mess-mate.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> And may famine be mine, if I don't reward -thee for't, as thou deserv'st——Dead.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Making a pass at him.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Have a care there [<em>Leaping on one side.</em>] What do -you mean, Sir? I bar all surprise.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Traitor, is this the fruit of the trust I plac'd in -thee, villain?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Making another thrust at him.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Take heed, Sir; you'll do one a mischief before -you're aware.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> What recompence can'st thou make me, wretch, -for this piece of treachery? Thy sordid blood can't expiate -the thousandth——But I'll have it however.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Thrusts again.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Look you there again: pray, Sir, be quiet; is -the devil in you? 'Tis bad jesting with edg'd tools. -I'gad that last push was within an inch o' me. I don't -know what you make all this bustle about, but I'm sure -I've done all for the best, and I believe it will prove for -the best too at last, if you'll have but a little patience. -But if gentlemen will be in their airs in a moment—Why, -what the deuce——I'm sure I have been as eloquent -as <em>Cicero</em>, in your behalf; and I don't doubt to good -purpose too, if you'll give things time to work. But nothing -but foul language, and naked swords about the -house, sa, sa; run you through you dog; why, nobody -can do business at this rate.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> And suppose your project fails, and I'm ruin'd -by it, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Why, 'twill be time enough to kill me then, Sir? -won't it? What should you do it for now? Besides, I -an't ready, I'm not prepar'd, I might be undone by't.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> But what will <em>Leonora</em> say to her marriage being -known, wretch?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Why may be she'll draw——her sword too. -[<em>Shewing his tongue.</em>] But all shall be well with you both, -if you will but let me alone.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Peace; here's her father.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> That's well: we shall see how things go presently.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">Alvarez</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> The more I recover from the disorder this discourse -has put me in, the more strange the whole ad<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span>venture -appears to me. <em>Leonora</em> maintains there is not a -word of truth in what I have heard; that she knows nothing -of marriage: and indeed she tells me this, -with such a naked air of sincerity, that for my part I believe -her. What then must be their project? Some villainous -intention, to be sure; tho' which way, I yet am -ignorant. But here's the bridegroom; I'll accost him——I -am told, Sir, you take upon you to scandalize -my daughter, and tell idle tales of what can never -happen.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Now methinks, Sir, if you treated your son-in-law -with a little more civility, things might go just as -well in the main.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> What means this insolent fellow by my son-in-law! -I suppose 'tis you, villain, are the author of this -impudent story.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> You seem angry, Sir——perhaps without cause.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Cause, traitor! Is a cause wanting where a -daughter's defam'd, and a noble family scandaliz'd?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> There he is, let him answer you.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> I shou'd be glad, he'd answer me, why, if he -had any desires to my daughter, he did not make his -approaches like a man of honour.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Yes; and so have had the doors bolted against -him like a house-breaker.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Sir to justify my proceeding, I have little to say; -but to excuse it, I have much; if any allowance may -be made to a passion, which in your youth you have -yourself been sway'd by: I love your daughter to that -excess——</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> You would undo her for a night's lodging.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Undo her, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Yes, that's the word; you knew it was against -her interest to marry you, therefore you endeavour'd to -win her to't in private; you knew her friends would -make a better bargain for her, therefore you kept your -designs from their knowledge, and yet you love her to -that excess——</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> I'd readily lay down my life to serve her.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Could you readily lay down fifty thousand pistoles -to serve her, your excessive love would come with -better credentials; an offer of life is very proper for the -attack of a counterscarp, but a thousand ducats will -sooner carry a lady's heart; you are a young man, but -will learn this when you are older.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> But since things have succeeded better this once, -Sir, and that my master will prove a most incomparable -good husband (for that he'll do, I'll answer for him) and -that 'tis too late to recall what's already done, Sir——</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> What's done, villain?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Sir, I mean, that since my master and my lady -are marry'd, and——</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Thou ly'st; they are not marry'd.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Sir!—--I say, that since they are marry'd, -and that they love each other so passing dearly, indeed I -fancy that——</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Why, this impudence is beyond all bearing; -Sir, do you put your rascal upon this?</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Sir, I am in a wood; I don't know what it is -you mean.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> And I am in a plain, Sir, and think I may be -understood; do you pretend you are marry'd to my -daughter?</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Sir, 'tis my happiness on one side, as it is my -misfortune on another.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> And do you think this idle project can succeed? -do you believe your affirming you are marry'd to her, -will induce both her and me to consent it shall be so?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Sir, I see you make my master almost out of his -wits to hear you talk so: but I, who am but a stande-by -now, as I was at the wedding, have mine about me, -and desire to know, whether you think this project can -succeed? Do you believe your affirming they are not -marry'd, will induce both him and I to give up the -lady? One short question to bring this matter to an issue, -Why do you think they are not marry'd?</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Because she utterly renounces it.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> And so she will her religion, if you attack it -with that dreadful face. D'ye hear, Sir? the poor lady<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span> -is in love heartily, and I wish all poor ladies that are so, -would dispose of themselves so well as she has done; but -you scare her out of her senses: bring her here into the -room, speak gently to her, tell her you know the thing -is done, that you have it from a man of honour, Me. -That may be you wish it had been otherwise, but are a -Christian, and profess mercy, and therefore have resolved -to pardon her: say this, and I shall appear a man of reputation, -and have satisfaction made me.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Or an impudent rogue, and have all your bones -broke.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Content.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Agreed, <em>Leonora</em>! who's there? call <em>Leonora</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> All will go rarely, Sir; we shall have shot the -gulf in a moment.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside to <span class="antiqua">Lorenzo</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Leonora</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Come hither, <em>Leonora</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> So, now we shall see.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> I call'd you to answer for yourself; here's a -strong claim upon you; if there be any thing in the -pretended title, conceal it no farther, it must be known -at last, it may as well be so now. Nothing is so uneasy -as uncertainty, I would therefore be gladly freed from -it: if you have done what I am told you have, 'tis a -great fault indeed; but as I fear 'twill carry much of its -punishment along with it, I shall rather reduce my resentment -into mourning your misfortune, than suffer it to -add to your affliction; therefore speak the truth.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Well, this is fair play; now I speak, Sir: you -see, fair lady, the goodness of a tender father, nothing -need therefore hinder you from owning a most loving -husband. We had like to have been altogether by the -ears about this business, and pails of blood were ready -to run about the house: but, thank heaven, the sun -shines out again, and one word from your sweet mouth -makes fair weather for ever. My master has been forc'd -to own your marriage, he begs you'll do so too.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> What does this impudent rascal mean?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Ha!—--Madam!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Sir, I should be very glad to know [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Lorenzo</span>.</em>] -what can have been the occasion of this wild report; -sure you cannot be yourself a party in it.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> He, he——</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Forgive me, dear <em>Leonora</em>, I know you had strong -reasons for the secret being longer kept; but 'tis not my -fault our marriage is disclos'd.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Our marriage, Sir!——</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> 'Tis known, my dear, tho' much against my will; -but since it is so, 'twou'd be in vain for us to deny it -longer.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Then, Sir, I am your wife? I fell in love with -you, and married you without my father's knowledge?</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> I dare not be so vain to think 'twas love; I -humbly am content to owe the blessing to your generosity; -you saw the pains I suffer'd for your sake, and in -compassion eas'd 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> I did, Sir! Sure this exceeds all human impudence.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Truly, I think it does. She'd make an incomparable -actress.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> I begin to be surpris'd, Madam, at you carrying -this thing so far; you see there's no occasion for it; and -for the discovery, I have already told you, 'twas not my -fault.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> My master's! no, 'twas I did it: why, what a -bustle's here! I knew things would go well, and so they -do, if folks would let 'em. But if ladies will be in -their merriments, when gentlemen are upon serious business, -why what a deuce can one say to 'em?</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> I see this fellow is to be an evidence in your plot; -where you hope to drive, it is hard to guess; for if any -thing can exceed its impudence, it is its folly. A noble -stratagem indeed to win a lady by! I could be diverted -with it, but that I see a face of villainy requires a -rougher treatment; I could almost, methinks, forget my -sex, and be my own avenger.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Madam, I am surpris'd beyond all——</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Pray, Sir, let me come to her; you are so surpris'd, -you'll make nothing on't: she wants a little snub<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span>bing. -Look you, madam, I have seen many a pleasant -humour amongst ladies, but you out-cut them all. Here's -contradiction, with a vengeance: you han't been married -eight-and-forty hours, and you are slap——at your -husband's beard already: why, do you consider who he -is?——Who this gentleman is? And what he can do——by -law? Why, he can lock you up——knock you -down——tie you neck and heels——</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Forbear, you insolent villain, you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Offering to strike him.</em></p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> That——for what's past, however.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Giving him a box o' th' ear.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> I think——she gave me a box o' the ear; ha!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Leonora</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Sir, will you suffer your old servants to be us'd thus by -new comers? It's a shame, a mere shame: Sir, will you -take a poor dog's advice for once? She denies she's married -to you: take her at her word; you have seen some -of her humours,——let her go.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Well, gentlemen, thus far you see I have heard -all with patience; have you content? Or how much -farther do you design to go with this business?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Why truly, Sir, I think we are near at a stand.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> 'Tis time, you villain you.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Why, and I am a villain now, if every word I've -spoke be not as true as——as the <em>Gazette</em>: and your -daughter's no better than a——a——a whimsical -young woman, for making disputes among gentlemen. -And if every body had their deserts, she'd have a good——I -won't speak out to inflame reckonings; but let -her go, master.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Sir, I don't think it well to spend any more -words with your impudent and villainous servant here.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Thank you, Sir: but I'd let her go.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Nor have I more to say to you than this, that -you must not think so daring an affront to my family can -go long unresented. Farewel.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Alv</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Well, Sir, what have you to say for yourself now?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Why, Sir, I have only to say, that I am a very -unfortunate——middle-ag'd man; and that I believe<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span> -all the stars upon heaven and earth have been concern'd -in my destiny. Children now unborn will hereafter sing -my downfal in mournful lines, and notes of doleful tune: -I am at present troubled in mind, despair around me, -signify'd in appearing gibbets, with a great bundle of -dog-whips by way of preparation.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I therefore will go seek some mountain high,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">If high enough some mountain may be found, <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">With distant valley dreadfully profound, <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">And from the horrid cliff—look calmly all around. <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p>Farewel.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> No, sirrah, I'll see your wretched end myself. -Die here, villain.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Drawing his sword.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> I can't, Sir, if any body looks upon me.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Away, you trifling wretch; but think not to -escape, for thou shalt have thy recompence.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Lorenzo</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Lopez</span> solus.</em> -</p> - -<p>Why, what a mischievous jade is this, to make such -an uproar in a family the first day of her marriage! Why -my master won't so much as get a honey-moon out of -her; I'gad let her go. If she be thus in her soft and -tender youth, she'll be rare company at threescore: -well, he may do as he pleases, but were she my dear, -I'd let her go——Such a foot at her tail, I'd make -the truth bounce out at her mouth, like a pellet out of a -pot-gun.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_IV_SCENE_I" id="ACT_IV_SCENE_I"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> IV. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Camillo</span> and <span class="antiqua">Isabella</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">'T</span>is</span> an unlucky accident indeed.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Ah <em>Isabella</em>! Fate has now determin'd -my undoing. This thing can ne'er end here, -<em>Leonora</em> and <em>Lorenzo</em> must soon come to some explanation;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span> -the dispute is too monstrous to pass over, without further -enquiry, which must discover all, and what will be -the consequence, I tremble at: for whether Don <em>Alvarez</em> -knows of the imposture, or whether he is deceiv'd, -with the rest of the world, when once it breaks out, and -the consequence is the loss of that great wealth he now -enjoys by it, what must become of me? All paternal -affections then must cease, and regarding me as an unhappy -instrument in the trouble which will then o'erload -him, he will return me to my humble birth, and -then I'm lost for ever. For what, alas! will the deceiv'd -<em>Lorenzo</em> say? A wife with neither fortune, birth, -nor beauty, instead of one most plenteously endow'd -with all. O heavens! what a sea of misery I have before -me!</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Indeed you reason right, but these reflections are -ill-tim'd; why did you not employ them sooner?</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Because I lov'd.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> And don't you do so now?</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> I do, and therefore 'tis I make these cruel just -reflections.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> So that love, I find, can do any thing.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Indeed it can: its powers are wondrous great, -its pains no tongue can tell, its bliss no heart conceive, -crowns cannot recompense its torments, heaven scarce -supplies its joys. My stake is of this value: oh counsel -me how I shall save it.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Alas! that counsel's much beyond my wisdom's -force, I see no way to help you.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> And yet 'tis sure there's one.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> What?</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Death.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> There possibly may be another; I have thought -this moment——perhaps there's nothing in it; yet a -small passage comes to my remembrance, that I regarded -little when it happen'd——I'll go and search for one -may be of service. But hold; I see Don <em>Carlos</em>: he'll -but disturb us now, let us avoid him.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt <span class="antiqua">Camillo</span> and <span class="antiqua">Isabella</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">Carlos</span> and <span class="antiqua">Sancho</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Repuls'd again! this is not to be borne. What -tho' this villain's story be a falshood, was I to blame -to hearken to it? This usage cannot be supported: how -was it she treated thee?</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Never was ambassador worse receiv'd. Madam, -my master asks ten thousand pardons, and humbly begs -one moment's interview:——Begone, you rascal you. -Madam, what answer shall I give my Master?——Tell -him he's a villain. Indeed, fair lady, I think this is -hasty treatment—Here, my footmen, toss me this fellow -out at the window; and away she went to her devotions.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Did you see <em>Jacinta</em>?</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Yes; she saluted me with half a score rogues and -rascals too. I think our destinies are much alike, Sir; -and o'my conscience, a couple of scurvy jades we are -hamper'd with.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Ungrateful woman, to receive with such contempt -so quick a return of a heart so justly alarm'd.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Ha, ha, ha.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> What, no allowance to be made to the first transports -of a lover's fury, when rous'd by so dreadful an -appearance? as just as my suspicions were, have I long -suffer'd them to arraign her?</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> No.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Have I waited for oaths or imprecations to clear -her?</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> No.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Nay, even now is not the whole world still in -suspense about her? whilst I alone conclude her innocent.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> 'Tis very true.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> She might, methinks, thro' this profound respect, -observe a flame another would have cherish'd: -she might support me against groundless fears, and save -me from a rival's tyranny; she might release me from -these cruel racks, and would, no doubt, if she cou'd love -as I do.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Ha, ha, ha.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> But since she don't, what do I whining here? -Curse on the base humilities of love.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Right.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Let children kiss the rod that fleas them, let dogs -lie down and lick the shoe that spurns them.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Ay.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> I am a man by nature meant for power; the -scepter's given us to wield, and we betray our trust -whenever we meanly lay it at a woman's feet.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> True, we are men, boo——Come, Master, let -us both be in a passion; here's my scepter, [<em>Shewing a -cudgel.</em>] Subject <em>Jacinta</em>, look about you. Sir, was you -ever in <em>Muscovy</em>? the women there love the men dearly; -why? because——[<em>Shaking his stick.</em>] there's your love-powder -for you. Ah, Sir, were we but wise and stout, -what work should we make with them! But this humble -love-making, spoils them all. A rare way indeed to -bring matters about with them; we are persuading them -all day they are angels and Goddesses, in order to use -them at night like human creatures; we are like to -succeed truly.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> For my part I never yet could bear a slight from -any thing, nor will I now. There's but one way however -to resent it from a woman: and that's to drive her -bravely from your heart, and place a worthier in her -vacant throne.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Now, with submission to my betters, I have another -way, Sir, I'll drive my tyrant from my heart, -and place myself in her throne. Yes; I will be lord -of my own tenement, and keep my household in order. -Wou'd you wou'd do so too, Master; for look -you, I have been servitor in a college at <em>Salamanca</em>, and -read philosophy with the doctors; where I found that -a woman, in all times, has been observed to be an animal -hard to understand, and much inclined to mischief. -Now as an animal is always an animal, and a captain -always a captain, so a woman is always a woman: -whence it is, that a certain <em>Greek</em> says, her head is like -a bank of sand; or, as another, a solid rock; or, according -to a third, a dark lanthorn. Pray, Sir, observe, -for this is close reasoning; and so as the head is the -head of the body; and that the body without a head,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span> -is like a head without a tail; and that where there is -neither head nor tail, 'tis a very strange body: so I -say a woman is by comparison, do you see, (for nothing -explains things like comparisons) I say by comparison, -as <em>Aristotle</em> has often said before me, one may compare -her to the raging sea; for as the sea, when the wind -rises, knits its brows like an angry bull, and that waves -mount upon rocks, and rocks mount upon waves: -that porpusses leap like trouts, and whales skip about -like gudgeons; that ships roll like beer-barrels, and -mariners pray like saints; just so, I say a woman——A -woman, I say, just so, when her reason is ship-wreck'd -upon her passion, and the hulk of her understanding -lies thumping against the rock of her fury; then it is, -I say, that by certain immotions, which——um cause, -as one may suppose, a sort of convulsive——yes——hurricanious——um——like——in -short, a woman is like the Devil.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Admirably reason'd indeed, <em>Sancho</em>.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Pretty well, I thank Heaven; but here come the -crocodiles to weep us into mercy.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Leonora</span> and <span class="antiqua">Jacinta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Master, let us shew ourselves men, and leave their briny -tears to wash their dirty faces.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> It is not in the power of charms to move me.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Nor me, I hope; and yet I fear those eyes will -look out sharp to snatch up such a prize.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Pointing to <span class="antiqua">Jacinta</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> He's coming to us, Madam, to beg pardon; but -sure you'll never grant it him?</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> If I do may heaven never grant me mine.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> That's brave.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> You look, Madam, upon me, as if you thought -I came to trouble you with my usual importunities; I'll -ease you of that pain, by telling you my business now -is calmly to assure you, but I assure it you with Heaven -and hell for seconds; for may the joys of one fly from -me, whilst the pains of t'other overtake me, if all your<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span> -charms display'd e'er shake my resolution; I'll never -see you more.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Bon.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> You are a man of that nice honour, Sir, I know -you'll keep your word: I expected this assurance from -you, and came this way only to thank you for't.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Very well.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> You did, imperious dame, you did: how base is -woman's pride! How wretched are the ingredients it is -form'd of! If you saw cause for just disdain, why did -you not at first repulse me? Why lead a slave in chains, -that could not grace your triumphs? If I am thus to be -contemn'd, think on the favours you have done the -wretch, and hide your face for ever.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Well argued.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> I own you have hit the only fault the world can -charge me with: the favours I have done to you, I am -indeed asham'd of; but since women have their frailties, -you'll allow me mine.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> 'Tis well, extremely well, Madam. I'm happy -however, you at last speak frankly. I thank you for it: -from my soul I thank you: but don't expect me groveling -at your feet again; don't, for if I do——</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> You will be treated as you deserve; trod upon.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Give me patience;——but I don't want it; I -am calm: Madam, farewel;——be happy if you can; -by heavens I wish you so, but never spread your net for -me again; for if you do——</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> You'll be running into it.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Rather run headlong into fire and flames; rather -be torn with pincers bit from bit; rather be broil'd -like martyrs upon gridirons——But I am wrong; this -sounds like passion, and heaven can tell I am not angry: -Madam, I think we have no farther business together; -your most humble servant.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Farewel t'ye, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Come along.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>To <span class="antiqua">Sancho</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Goes to the scene and returns.</em></p> - -<p>Yet once more before I go (lest you should doubt my -resolution) may I starve, perish, rot, be blasted, dead,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span> -damn'd, or any other thing that men or gods can think -of, if on any occasion whatever, civil or military, pleasure -or business, love or hate, or any other accident of -life, I, from this moment, change one word or look -with you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Going off, <span class="antiqua">Sancho</span> claps him on the back.</em></p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Content: come away, <em>Jacinta</em>.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Carlos</span> returns.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Yet one word, Madam, if you please; I have a -little thing here belongs to you, a foolish bawble I once -was fond of. [<em>Twitching her picture from his breast.</em>] -Will you accept a trifle from your servant?</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Willingly, Sir; I have a bawble too I think you -have some claim to; you'll wear it for my sake.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Breaks a bracelet from her arm, and gives it him.</em></p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Most thankfully; this too I shou'd restore you, -it once was yours——[<em>Giving her a table-book.</em>] By -your favour madam——there is a line or two in it, I -think you did me once the honour to write with your -own fair hand. Here it is.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Reads.</em></p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>You love me, <span class="antiqua">Carlos</span>, and would know</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>The secret movements of my heart:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Whether I give you mine or no,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With yours, methinks, I'd never, never part.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p>Thus you have encouraged me, and thus you have deceived -me.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Very true.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> I have some faithful lines too; I think I can -produce 'em,</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Pulls out a table-book; reads, and then gives it him.</em></p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>How long soe'er, to sigh in vain,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>My destiny may prove,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>My fate (in spite of your disdain)</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Will let me glory in your chain,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>And give me leave eternally to love.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p>There, Sir, take your poetry again.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Throwing it at his feet.</em></p> - -<p>'Tis not much the worse for my wearing: 'twill serve -again upon a fresh occasion.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Well done.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> I believe I can return the present, Madam, with——a -pocket full of your prose——There——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Throwing a handful of letters at her feet.</em></p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> <em>Jacinta</em>, give me his letters. There, Sir, not -to be behind-hand with you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Takes a handful of his letters out of a box, -and throws them in his face.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> And there, and there, and there, Sir.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Jacinta</span> throws the rest at him.</em></p> - -<p><em>San.</em> 'Cods my life, we want ammunition: but for a -shift——There, and there, you saucy slut you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Sancho</span> pulls a pack of dirty cards out of his -pocket, and throws 'em at her; then they -close; he pulls off her headclothes, and she his -wig, and then part, she running to her mistress, -he to his master.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> I think, Madam, we have clearly the better -on't.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> For a proof, I resolve to keep the field.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Have a care he don't rally and beat you yet -though: pray walk off.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Fear nothing.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> How the armies stand and gaze at one another -after the battle! What think you, Sir, of shewing yourself -a great general, by making an honourable retreat?</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> I scorn it: Oh <em>Leonora</em>! <em>Leonora</em>! A heart like -mine should not be treated thus.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> <em>Carlos</em>! <em>Carlos</em>! I have not deserv'd this usage.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Barbarous <em>Leonora</em>! but 'tis useless to reproach -you; she that is capable of what you have done, is -form'd too cruel ever to repent of it. Go on then, tyrant; -make your bliss compleat; torment me still, for -still, alas! I love enough to be tormented.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Ah <em>Carlos</em>! little do you know the tender movements -of that thing you name: the heart where love -presides, admits no thoughts against the honour of its -ruler.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> 'Tis not to call that honour into doubt, if conscious -of our own unworthiness, we interpret every frown -to our destruction.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> When jealousy proceeds from such humble apprehensions, -it shews itself with more respect than yours -has done.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> And where a heart is guiltless, it easily forgives -a greater crime.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Forgiveness is not now in our debate; if both -have been in fault, 'tis fit that both should suffer for it; -our separation will do justice on us.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> But since we are ourselves the judges of our -crimes, what if we should inflict a gentler punishment?</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> 'Twould but encourage us to sin again.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> And if it shou'd?</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> 'Twould give a fresh occasion for the pleasing -exercise of mercy.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Right: and so we act the part of earth and heaven -together, of men and gods, and taste of both their -pleasures.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> The banquet's too inviting to refuse it.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> Then thus let's fall on, and feed upon't for ever.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Carries her off, embracing her, and kissing her hand.</em></p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Ah woman! foolish, foolish woman!</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Very foolish indeed.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> But don't expect I'll follow her example.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> You wou'd, Mopsy, if I'd let you.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> I'd sooner tear my eyes out! ah——that she -had a little of my spirit in her.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> I believe I shall find thou hast a great deal of her -flesh, my charmer; but 'twon't do; I am all rock, hard -rock, very marble.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> A very pumice stone, you rascal you, if one -would try thee; but to prevent thy humilities, and shew -thee all submission would be vain; to convince thee thou -hast nothing but misery and despair before thee; here——take -back thy paltry thimble, and be in my debt for the -shirts I have made thee with it.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Nay, if y'are at that sport, Mistress, I believe I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span> -shall lose nothing by the balance of thy presents. There, -take thy tobacco-stopper, and stop thy——</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Here, take thy sattin pincushion, with thy curious -half hundred of pins in't, thou mad'st such a -vapouring about yesterday: tell them carefully, there's -not one wanting.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> There's thy ivory-hafted knife again, whet it -well; 'tis so blunt 'twill cut nothing but love.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> And there's thy pretty pocket scissars thou hast -honour'd me with, they'll cut off a leg or an arm; heaven -bless them.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Here's the inchanted handkerchief you were -pleased to indear with your precious blood, when the -violence of your love at dinner, t'other day, made you -cut your fingers——There.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Blows his nose in it, and gives it her.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> The rascal so provokes me, I won't even keep -his paltry garters from him. D'ye see these? You pitiful -beggarly scoundrel you:——There, take 'em, there.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>She takes her garters off, and flaps them about his face.</em></p> - -<p><em>San.</em> I have but one thing more of thine. [<em>Shewing -his cudgel.</em>] I own 'tis the top of all thy presents, and -might be useful to me; but that thou may'st have nothing -to upbraid me with, even take it again with the -rest of them.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Lifting it up to strike her, she leaps about his neck.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Ah cruel <em>Sancho</em>!—Now beat me, <em>Sancho</em>, do.</p> - -<p><em>San.</em> Rather, like <em>Indian</em> beggars, beat my precious -self.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Throws away his stick, and embraces her.</em></p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Rather let infants blood about the streets,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Rather let all the wine about the cellar,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Rather let——Oh <em>Jacinta</em>——thou hast o'ercome.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">How foolish are the great resolves of man!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Resolves, which we neither wou'd keep, nor can.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">When those bright eyes in kindness please to shine,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Their goodness I must needs return with mine:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Bless my <em>Jacinta</em> in her <em>Sancho</em>'s arms——<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> And I my <em>Sancho</em> with <em>Jacinta</em>'s charms.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_V_SCENE_I" id="ACT_V_SCENE_I"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> V. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - -<p class="directcenter"><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>the Street</em>. -</p> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lopez</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p class="drop-capw"><span class="smcap">As</span> soon as it is night, says my master to me, tho' -it cost me my life, I'll enter <em>Leonora</em>'s lodgings; -therefore make haste, <em>Lopez</em>, prepare every thing necessary, -three pair of pocket pistols, two wide-mouth'd -blunderbusses, some six ells of sword-blade and a couple -of dark lanthorns. When my Master said this to -me; Sir, said I to my master, (that is, I would have -said it, if I had not been in such a fright, I could say -nothing, however I'll say it to him now, and shall probably -have a quiet hearing;) look you, Sir, by dint -of reason I intend to confound you: you are resolv'd, -you say, to get into <em>Leonora</em>'s lodgings, tho' the Devil -stand in the door-way?——Yes, <em>Lopez</em>, that's my -resolution——Very well, and what do you intend -to do when you are there?——Why, what an injur'd -man shou'd do; make her sensible of——Make her -sensible of a pudding, don't you see she's a jade? She'll -raise the house about your ears, arm the whole family, -set the great dog at you.——Were there legions of -Devils to repulse me, in such a cause I could disperse -them all——Why then you have no occasion for -help, Sir, you may leave me at home to lay the cloth.——No; -thou art my ancient friend, my fellow-traveller, -and to reward thy faithful services, this night -thou shalt partake my danger and my glory.——Sir, I -have got glory enough under you already, to content -any reasonable servant for his life——Thy modesty -makes me willing to double my bounty; this night may<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> -bring eternal honour to thee and thy family.——Eternal -honour, Sir, is too much in conscience for a -serving-man; besides ambition has been many a great -soul's undoing——I doubt thou art afraid, my <em>Lopez</em>, -thou shalt be arm'd with back, with breast and headpiece——They -will encumber me in my retreat.——Retreat! -my hero! Thou never shalt retreat.——Then -by my troth I'll never go, Sir.——But here -he comes.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lorenzo</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Will it never be night? sure 'tis the longest day -the sun e'er travell'd.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Would 'twere as long as those in <em>Greenland</em>, Sir, -that you might spin out your life t'other half year. I -don't like these nightly projects; a man can't see what -he does: we shall have some scurvy mistake or other -happen; a brace of bullets blunder thro' your head in -the dark perhaps, and spoil all your intrigue.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Away, you trembling wretch, away.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Nay, Sir, what I say is purely for your safety: -for as to myself——Uds-death, I no more value the -losing a quart of blood, than I do drinking a quart of -wine. Besides, my veins are too full, my physician -advis'd me yesterday to let go twenty ounces for my -health. So you see, Sir, there's nothing of that in the -case.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Then let me hear no other objections: for 'till I -see <em>Leonora</em> I must lie upon the rack. I cannot bear her -resentment, and will pacify her this night, or not live -to see to-morrow.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Well, Sir, since you are so determin'd, I shan't -be impertinent with any farther advice; but I think you -have laid your design to——[<em>He coughs.</em>] (I have got -such a cold to-day) to get in privately, have you not?</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Yes; and have taken care to be introduced as far -as her chamber-door with all secrecy.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> [<em>He coughs.</em>]——This unlucky cough, I had -rather have had a fever at another time. Sir, I should -be sorry to do you more harm than good upon this oc<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span>casion: -if this cough shou'd come upon me in the midst -of the action, [<em>Coughs.</em>] and give the alarm to the family, -I shou'd not forgive myself as long as I liv'd.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> I have greater ventures than that to take my -chance for, and can't dispense with your attendance, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> This 'tis to be a good servant, and make one's -self necessary.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Toledo</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Tol.</em> Sir,——I am glad I have found you. I am a -man of honour, you know, and do always profess -losing my life upon a handsome occasion: sir, I come to -offer you my service. I am inform'd from unquestionable -hands, that Don <em>Carlos</em> is enrag'd against you to a dangerous -degree; and that old <em>Alvarez</em> has given positive -directions to break the legs and arms of your servant -<em>Lopez</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Look you there, now, I thought what 'twou'd -come to; what do they meddle with me for? What have -I to do in my Master's amours? The old Don's got out of -his senses, I think, have I married his daughter?</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Fear nothing, we'll take care o'thee——Sir, I -thank you for the favour of your intelligence, 'tis nothing -however but what I have expected and am provided for.</p> - -<p><em>Tol.</em> Sir, I wou'd advise you to provide yourself with -good friends, I desire the honour to keep your back hand -myself.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> 'Tis very kind indeed. Pray, Sir, have you never -a servant with you cou'd hold a racket for me too?</p> - -<p><em>Tol.</em> I have two friends fit to head two armies; and -yet——a word in your ear, they shan't cost you above a -ducat a-piece.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Take 'em by all means, Sir, you were never -offer'd a better pennyworth in your life.</p> - -<p><em>Tol.</em> Ah, Sir,——little <em>Diego</em>——you have heard -of him; he'd have been worth a legion upon this occasion: -you know, I suppose, how they have serv'd -him——They have hang'd him, but he made a noble -execution; they clapp'd the rack and the priest -to him at once, but cou'd neither get a word of con<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span>fession, -nor a groan of repentance; he died mighty well -truly.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Such a man is indeed much to be regretted: As -for the rest of your escorte, captain, I thank you for 'em, -but shall not use 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Tol.</em> I'm sorry for't, Sir, because I think you go in -very great danger; I'm much afraid your rival won't -give you fair play.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> If he does, I'll be hang'd; he's a damn'd passionate -fellow, and cares not what mischief he does.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> I shall give him a very good opportunity: for -I'll have no other guards about me but you, Sir. So -come along.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Why, Sir, this is the sin of presumption; setting -heaven at defiance, making a Jack-pudding of a -blunderbuss.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> No more, but follow. Hold! turn this way; -I see <em>Camillo</em> there. I wou'd avoid him, 'till I see what -part he takes in this odd affair of his sister's. For I -wou'd not have the quarrel fix'd with him, if it be possible -to avoid it.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Lorenzo</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Sir——Captain <em>Toledo</em>, one word if you -please, Sir; I'm mighty sorry to see my Master won't -accept of your friendly offer; look ye, I'm not very -rich; but as far as the expences of a dollar went, if you'd -be so kind to take a little care of me, it shou'd be at -your service.</p> - -<p><em>Tol.</em> Let me see:——A dollar you say? but suppose -I'm wounded?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Why you shall be put to no extraordinary charge -upon that: I have been 'prentice to a barber; and will -be your surgeon myself.</p> - -<p><em>Tol.</em> 'Tis too cheap in conscience; but my land estate -is ill paid this war-time——</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> That a little industry may be commendable; so -say no more, that matter's fix'd.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt <span class="antiqua">Lop.</span> and <span class="antiqua">Tol</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Camillo</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> How miserable a perplexity have I brought myself -into! Yet why do I complain? since with all the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span> -dreadful torture I endure, I can't repent of one wild -step I've made. O Love! what tempests canst thou raise, -what storms canst thou assuage! To all thy cruelties I am -resign'd: Long years thro' seas of torment I'm content -to roll, so thou wilt guide me to the happy port of my -<em>Lorenzo</em>'s arms, and bless me there with one calm day at -last.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Isabella</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> What news, dear <em>Isabella</em>? methinks there's -something chearful in your looks may give a trembling -lover hopes. If you have comfort for me, speak, for I -indeed have need of it.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Were your wants yet still greater than they are, -I bring a plentiful supply.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> O Heav'ns! is it possible?</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> New mysteries are out, and if you can find -charms to wean <em>Lorenzo</em> from your sister, no other obstacle -is in the way to all your wish.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Kind messenger from Heaven, speak on.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Know then, that you are daughter to <em>Alvarez</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> How! daughter to <em>Alvarez</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> You are: The truth this moment's come to -light; and till this moment he, altho' your father, was -a stranger to it; nay, did not even know you were a -woman. In short, the great estate, which has occasion'd -these uncommon accidents, was left but on condition -of a son; great hopes of one there was, when -you destroy'd 'em, and to your parents came a most unwelcome -guest: To repair the disappointment, you -were exchang'd for that young <em>Camillo</em>, who few months -after dy'd. Your father then was absent, but your mother -quick in contrivance, bold in execution, during -that infant's sickness, had resolv'd his death shou'd not -deprive her family of those advantages his life had given -it; so order'd things with such dexterity, that once -again there past a change between you: of this (for -reasons yet unknown to me) she made a secret to her -husband, and took such wise precautions, that 'till this<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span> -hour 'twas so to all the world, except the person from -whom I now have heard it.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> This news indeed affords a view of no unhappy -termination; yet there are difficulties still may be of -fatal hindrance.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> None, except that one I just now nam'd to you; -for to remove the last, know I have already unfolded -all, both to Alvarez and Don Felix.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> And how have they receiv'd it?</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> To your wishes both. As for <em>Lorenzo</em>, he is yet -a stranger to all has past, and the two old fathers desire -he may some moments longer continue so. They have -agreed to be a little merry with the heat he is in, and engage -you in a family-quarrel with him.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> I doubt, <em>Isabella</em>, I shall act that part but -faintly.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> No matter, you'll make amends for it in the -scene of reconciliation.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Pray heaven it be my lot to act it with him.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Here comes Don <em>Felix</em> to wish you joy.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">Felix</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Come near, my daughter, and with extended -arms of great affection let me receive thee. [<em>Kisses -her.</em>] Thou art a dainty wench, good faith thou art, -and 'tis a mettled action thou hast done; if <em>Lorenzo</em> don't -like thee the better for't, Cods my life, he's a pitiful -fellow, and I shan't believe the bonny old man had the -getting of him.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> I'm so encourag'd by your forgiveness, Sir, methinks -I have some flattering hopes of his.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Of his! I'gad, and he had best, I believe he'll -meet with his match if he don't. What dost think of -trying his courage a little, by way of a joke or so?</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> I was just telling her your design, Sir.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Why I'm in a mighty witty way upon this -whimsical occasion; but I see him coming. You must -not appear yet; go your way in to the rest of the people -there, and I'll inform him what a squabble he has -work'd himself into here.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt <span class="antiqua">Camillo</span> and <span class="antiqua">Isabella</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lorenzo</span> and <span class="antiqua">Lopez</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Pray, Sir, don't be so obstinate now, don't affront -Heaven at this rate. I had a vision last night about -this business on purpose to forwarn you; I dreamt -of goose-eggs, a blunt knife, and the snuff of a candle; -I'm sure there's mischief towards.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> You cowardly rascal, hold your tongue.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> <em>Lorenzo</em>, come hither, my boy, I was just -going to send for thee. The honour of our ancient family -lies in thy hands; there is a combat preparing, -thou must fight, my son.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Look you there, now, did not I tell you? O -dreams are wond'rous things, I never knew that snuff of -a candle fail yet.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Sir, I do not doubt but <em>Carlos</em> seeks my life, I -hope he'll do it fairly.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Fairly, do you hear, fairly! Give me leave to -tell you, Sir, folks are not fit to be trusted with lives, -that don't know how to look better after them. Sir, you -gave it him, I hope you'll make him take a little more -care on't.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> My care shall be to make him do as a man -of honour ought to do.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> What, will you let him fight, then? let your own -flesh and blood fight?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> In a good cause, as this is.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> <em>O monstrum horrendum!</em> Now I have that humanity -about me, that if a man but talks to me of fighting, -I shiver at the name on't.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> What you do, on this occasion Sir, is worthy of -you: And had I been wanting to you, in my due regards -before, this noble action wou'd have stamp'd that impression, -which a grateful son ought to have for so generous -a father.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Very generous, truly! gives him leave to be run -thro' the guts, for his posterity to brag on a hundred -years hence.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> I think, Sir, as things now stand, it won't be -right for me to wait for <em>Carlos</em>'s call; I'll, if you please, -prevent him.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Ay, pray, Sir, do prevent him by all means, 'tis -better made up, as you say, a thousand times.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Hold your tongue, you impertinent Jackanapes, -I will have him fight, and fight like a fury too; -If he don't, he'll be worsted, I can tell him that. For -know, son, your antagonist is not the person you name, -it is an enemy of twice his force.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> O dear, O dear, O dear! and will nobody keep -'em asunder?</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Nobody shall keep us asunder, if once I know the -man I have to deal with.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Thy man then is——<em>Camillo</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> <em>Camillo!</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> 'Tis he, he'll suffer no body to decide this -quarrel but himself.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Then there are no seconds, Sir.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> None.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> He's a brave man.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> No, he says nobody's blood shall be spilt -upon this occasion, but theirs who have a title to it.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> I believe he'll scarce have a law-suit upon the -claim.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> In short, he accuses thee of a shameful falshood, -in pretending his sister <em>Leonora</em> was thy wife; and -has upon it prevailed with his father, as thou has done -with thine, to let the debate be ended by the sword -'twixt him and thee.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> And pray, Sir, with submission, one short question -if you please; what may the gentle <em>Leonora</em> say of -this business?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> She approves of the combat, and marries -<em>Carlos</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Why, God a-mercy.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Is it possible? Sure she's a devil, not a woman.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> I——cod, Sir, the Devil and a woman both, -I think.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Well, thou sha't have satisfaction of some of -'em. Here they all come.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Alvarez</span>, <span class="antiqua">Leonora</span>, <span class="antiqua">Carlos</span>, <span class="antiqua">Sancho</span>, and <span class="antiqua">Jacinta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> Well, Don <em>Felix</em>, have you prepared your son? -for mine, he's ready to engage.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> And so is his. My wrongs prepare me for a -thousand combats. My hand has hitherto been held by -the regard I've had to every thing of kin to <em>Leonora</em>; but -since the monstrous part she acts has driven her from my -heart, I call for reparation from her family.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> You'll have it, Sir; <em>Camillo</em> will attend you instantly.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> O lack! O lack! will no body do a little something -to prevent bloodshed? Why, Madam, have you no pity, -no bowels? [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Leonora</span>.</em>] stand and see one of your husbands -stoter'd before your face? 'Tis an arrant shame.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> If widowhood be my fate, I must bear it as I -can.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Why, did you ever hear the like?</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Talk to her no more. Her monstrous impudence -is no otherwise to be replied to, than by a dagger -in her brother's heart.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Yonder he's coming to receive it. But have a -care, brave Sir, he does not place it in another's.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> It is not in his power. He has a rotten cause -upon his sword, I'm sorry he's engag'd in't; but since -he is, he must take his fate. For you, my bravo, expect -me in your turn.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>To <span class="antiqua">Carlos</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> You'll find Camillo, Sir, will set your hand out.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> A beardless boy. You might have match'd me -better, Sir: but prudence is a virtue.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Nay, son, I wou'd not have thee despise thy -adversary neither; thou'lt find Camillo will put thee -hardly to't.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> I wish we were come to the trial. Why does he -not appear?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Now do I hate to hear people brag thus. Sir, -with my lady's leave, I'll hold a ducat he disarms you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>They laugh.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Why, what!—I think I'm sported with. Take -heed, I warn you all; I am not to be trifled with.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Camillo</span> and <span class="antiqua">Isabella</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> You shan't, Sir, here's one will be in earnest with -you.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> He's welcome: tho' I had rather have drawn -my sword against another. I'm sorry, <em>Camillo</em>, we -should meet on such bad terms as these; yet more sorry -your sister should be the wicked cause on't: but since -nothing will serve her but the blood either of a husband -or brother, she shall be glutted with't. Draw.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Ah Lard, ah Lard, ah Lard!</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> And yet before I take this instrument of death -into my fatal hand, hear me, <em>Camillo</em>; hear <em>Alvarez</em>; -all! I imprecate the utmost powers of heaven to shower -upon my head the deadliest of its wrath; I ask that all -hell's torments may unite to round my soul with one -eternal anguish, if wicked <em>Leonora</em> ben't my wife.</p> - -<p><em>Omnes.</em> O Lord, O Lord, O Lord!</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Why then may all those curses pass him by, and -wrap me in their everlasting pains, if ever once I had a -fleeting thought of making him my husband.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> O Lord, O Lord, O Lord!</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Nay more; to strike him dumb at once, and shew -what men with honest looks can practise, know he's -married to another.</p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> and <em>Fel.</em> How!</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> The truth of this is known to some here.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Nay, 'tis certainly so.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> 'Tis to a friend of mine.</p> - -<p><em>Car.</em> I know the person.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> 'Tis false, and thou art a villain for thy testimony.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Then let me speak; what they aver is true, and -I myself was in disguise, a witness of its doing.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Death and confusion! he a villain too! have at -thy heart.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>He draws.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Ah!—--I can't bear the sight on't.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Put up that furious thing, there's no business -for't.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> There's business for a dagger, strippling; 'tis that -should be thy recompence.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Why then to shew thee naked to the world, -and close thy mouth for ever——I am myself thy -wife.——</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> What does the dog mean?</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> To fall upon the earth and sue for mercy.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Kneels and lets her perriwig fall off.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> A woman!</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Ay——cod, and a pretty one too; you wags you.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> I'm all amazement. Rise, <em>Camillo</em>, (if I am still to -call you by that name) and let me hear the wonders you -have for me.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> That part her modesty will ask from me: I'm to -inform you then, that this disguise hides other mysteries -besides a woman; a large and fair estate was cover'd -by it, which with the lady now will be resigned -to you. 'Tis true, in justice it was yours before; but 'tis -the God of Love has done you right. To him you owe -this strange discovery, thro' him you are to know the true -<em>Camillo</em>'s dead, and that this fair adventurer is daughter -to <em>Alvarez</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Incredible! but go on; let me hear more.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> She'll tell thee the rest herself, the next dark -night she meets thee in the garden.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Ha!—Was it <em>Camillo</em> then, that I——</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> It was <em>Camillo</em> who there made you happy: And -who has virtue, beauty, wit and love——enough to -make you so, while life shall last you.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> The proof she gives me of her love, deserves a -large acknowledgment indeed. Forgive me therefore, -<em>Leonora</em>, if what I owe this goodness and these charms, I -with my utmost care, my life, my soul, endeavour to repay.</p> - -<p><em>Cam.</em> Is it then possible you can forgive me?</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> Indeed I can; few crimes have such a claim to -mercy; but join with me then, dear <em>Camillo</em>, (for still I -know you by no other name) join with me to obtain -your father's pardon: yours, <em>Leonora</em>, too, I must implore; -and yours, my friend, for now we may be such. -[<em>To <span class="antiqua">Carlos</span>.</em>] Of all I ask forgiveness. And since there -is so fair a cause of all my wild mistakes, I hope I by her -interest shall obtain it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Alv.</em> You have a claim to mine, <em>Lorenzo</em>, I wish I had -so strong a one to yours; but if by future services, (tho' -I lay down my life amongst 'em) I may blot out of your -remembrance a fault (I cannot name) I then shall leave -the world in peace.</p> - -<p><em>Lor.</em> In peace then, Sir, enjoy it; for from this very -hour, whate'er is past with me, is gone for ever. Your -daughter is too fair a mediatrix to be refus'd his pardon, -to whom she owes the charms she pleads with for it.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>From this good day, then, let all discord cease;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Let those to come be harmony and peace;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Henceforth let all our diff'rent interests join,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Let fathers, lovers, friends, let all combine,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To make each other's days as blest, as she will mine.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="EPILOGUE2" id="EPILOGUE2">EPILOGUE,</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter">Written by Mr. <span class="smcap">Motteux</span>. -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em><span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">I</span>'m</span> thinking, now good husbands are so few,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To get one for my friend what I must do.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em><span class="antiqua">Camillo</span> ventur'd hard; yet at the worst,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>She stole love's honey-moon, and try'd her lover first.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Many poor damsels, if they dar'd to tell,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Have done as much, but have not 'scap'd so well.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>'Tis well the scene's in <span class="antiqua">Spain</span>; thus, in the dark,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>I should be loth to trust a <span class="antiqua">London</span> spark.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Some accident might for a private reason,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Silence a female, all this acting-season.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Hard fate of women: any one wou'd vex,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To think what odds, you men have, of our sex.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Restraint and custom share our inclination,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>You men can try, and run o'er half the nation.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>We dare not, even to avoid reproach,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>When you're at <span class="antiqua">White</span>'s, peep out of hackney-coach;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Nor with a friend at night, our fame regarding,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With glass drawn up, drive 'bout <span class="antiqua">Covent-Garden</span>.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>If poor town-ladies steal in here, you rail,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Tho' like chaste nuns their modest looks they veil;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With this decorum, they can hardly gain</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To be thought virtuous, e'en in <span class="antiqua">Drury-Lane</span>.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Tho' this you'll not allow, yet sure you may</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>A plot to snap you, in an honest way.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>In love affairs, one scarce would spare a brother:</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>All cheat; and married folks may keep a pother,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But look as if they cheated one another.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>You may pretend, our sex dissembles most;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But of your truth none have much cause to boast:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>You promise bravely; but for all your storming,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>We find you're not so valiant at performing.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Then sure <span class="antiqua">Camillo</span>'s conduct you'll approve:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Wou'd you not do as much for one you love?</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Wedlock's but a blind bargain at the best,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>You venture more sometimes, to be not half so blest.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>All, soon or late, that dangerous venture make,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And some of you may make a worse mistake.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span></p> -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/illus-149.jpg" width="700" height="40" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h2><a name="THE3" id="THE3">THE</a><br /> - -COUNTRY HOUSE.<br /> - -A<br /> - -FARCE.</h2> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/illus-149.jpg" width="700" height="40" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="Dramatis_Personae3" id="Dramatis_Personae3">Dramatis Personæ.</a></h3> - - -<h4>MEN.</h4> - - -<div class="center"> -<ul><li><em>Mr.</em> Barnard.</li> - -<li><em>Mr.</em> Griffard, <em>Brother to Mr.</em> Barnard.</li> - -<li>Erastus, <em>in love with</em> Mariamne.</li> - -<li>Dorant, <em>Son to Mr.</em> Barnard.</li> - -<li><em>Monsieur le Marquis</em>.</li> - -<li><em>Baron</em> de Messy.</li> - -<li>Janno, <em>Cousin to Mr.</em> Barnard.</li> - -<li>Colin, <em>Servant to Mr.</em> Barnard.</li> - -<li>Charly, <em>a little Boy</em>.</li> - -<li><em>Servant to</em> Erastus.</li> - -<li><em>Three gentlemen, friends to</em> Dorant.</li> - -<li><em>A cook, other servants, &c.</em></li> -</ul> -</div> - - -<h4>WOMEN.</h4> - - -<div class="center"> -<ul><li><em>Mrs.</em> Barnard.</li> - -<li>Mariamne, <em>her daughter</em>.</li> - -<li>Mawkin, <em>sister to</em> Janno.</li> - -<li>Lisetta, <em>servant to</em> Mariamne.</li> -</ul> -</div> - -<p class="directcenter">The <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> is laid in <em>Normandy</em> in -<em>France</em>. -</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span></p> - -<p class="ph2">THE<br /> -COUNTRY HOUSE. -</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_I_SCENE_I3" id="ACT_I_SCENE_I3"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> I. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Erastus</span> and his man, with <span class="antiqua">Lisetta</span>, <span class="antiqua">Mariamne</span>'s maid.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">O</span>nce</span> more I tell ye, Sir, if you have any -consideration in the world for her, you must -be gone this minute.</p> - -<p><em>Er.</em> My dear <em>Lisetta</em>, let me but speak to her, let me -but see her only.</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> You may do what you will; but not here, whilst -you are in our house. I do believe she's as impatient to -see you, as you can be to see her; but——</p> - -<p><em>Er.</em> But why won't you give us that satisfaction then?</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Because I know the consequence; for when you -once get together, the Devil himself is not able to part -you; you will stay so long 'till you are surpriz'd, and -what will become of us then?</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Why, then we shall be thrown out at the window, -I suppose.</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> No, but I shall be turn'd out of doors.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Er.</em> How unfortunate am I! these doors are open to -all the world, and only shut to me.</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Because you come for a wife, and at our house -we do not care for people that come for wives.</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> What would you have us come for, child?</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Any thing but wives; because they cannot be -put off without portions.</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Portions! No, no, never talk of portions; my -Master nor I neither don't want portions; and if he'd -follow my advice, a regiment of fathers shou'd not guard -her.</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> What say you?</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Why, if you'll contrive that my Master may run -away with your Mistress, I don't much care, faith, if I -run away with you.</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Don't you so, rogue's face? but I hope to be -better provided for.</p> - -<p><em>Er.</em> Hold your tongues. But where is <em>Mariamne</em>'s -brother? He is my bosom friend, and would be willing -to serve me.</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> I told you before, that he has been abroad a -hunting, and we han't seen him these three days; he -seldom lies at home, to avoid his father's ill humour; so -that it is not your Mistress only that our old covetous -cuff teizes——there's nobody in the family but feels the -effects of his ill humour——by his good will he would -not suffer a creature to come within his doors, or eat at -his table——and if there be but a rabbit extraordinary -for dinner, he thinks himself ruin'd for ever.</p> - -<p><em>Er.</em> Then I find you pass your time comfortably in -this family.</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Not so bad as you imagine neither, perhaps; for, -thank Heaven, we have a Mistress that's as bountiful as -he is stingy, one that will let him say what he will, and -yet does what she will. But hark, here's somebody -coming; it is certainly he.</p> - -<p><em>Er.</em> Can't you hide us somewhere?</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Here, here, get you in here as fast as you can.</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Thrust me in too.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Puts 'em into the closet.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> II.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Mariamne</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> O, is it you?</p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> So, <em>Lisetta</em>, where have you been? I've been -looking for you all over the house: who are those people -in the garden with my mother-in-law? I believe my -father won't be very well pleas'd to see 'em there.</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> And here's somebody else not afar off, that I believe -your father won't be very well pleas'd with neither. -Come, Sir, Sir.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Calls.</em></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Erastus and his servant come out.</em></p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> O Heavens!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Cries out.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Come, lovers, I can allow you but a short bout -on't this time; you must do your work with a jirk——one -whisper, two sighs and, a kiss; make haste, I say, -and I'll stand centry for you in the mean time.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Lisetta</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> Do you know what you expose me to, <em>Erastus</em>? -What do you mean?</p> - -<p><em>Er.</em> To die, Madam, since you receive me with so -little pleasure.</p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> Consider what wou'd become of me, if my father -shou'd see you here.</p> - -<p><em>Er.</em> What wou'd you have me do?</p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> Expect with patience some happy turn of affairs; -my mother-in-law is kind and indulgent to a -miracle, and her favour, if well managed, may turn to -our advantage; and cou'd I prevail upon myself to declare -my passion to her, I don't doubt but she'd join in -our interest.</p> - -<p><em>Er.</em> Well, since we've nothing to fear from her, and -your brother, you know is my intimate friend; you -may therefore conceal me somewhere about the house -for a few days. I'll creep into any hole.</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Ay, but who must have the care of bringing us -victuals?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Er.</em> Thrust us into the cellar, or up into the garret:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span> -I don't care where it is, so that it be but under the same -roof with you.</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> But I don't say so, for that jade <em>Lisetta</em> will have -the feeding of us, and I know what kind of diet she keeps——I -believe we shan't be like the fox in the fable, our -bellies won't be so full but we shall be able to creep out -at the same hole we got in at.</p> - -<p><em>Er.</em> Must I then be gone? must I return to Paris?</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lisetta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Yes, that you must, and immediately too, for -here's my master coming in upon ye.</p> - -<p><em>Er.</em> What shall I do?</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Begone this minute.</p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> Stay in the village 'till you hear from me, none -of our family know that you are in it.</p> - -<p><em>Er.</em> Shall I see you sometimes?</p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> I han't time to answer you now.</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Make haste, I say; are you bewitch'd?</p> - -<p><em>Er.</em> Will you write to me?</p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> I will if can.</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Begone, I say, is the Devil in you?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Thrusting <span class="antiqua">Erastus</span> and his servant out.</em></p> - -<p>Come this way, your father's just stepping in upon us.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> III.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mr. <span class="antiqua">Barnard</span> beating <span class="antiqua">Colin</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Rogue! rascal! did not I command you? -Did not I give you my orders, sirrah?</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Why, you gave me orders to let no body in; -and Madam, her gives me orders to let every body in——why -the Devil himself can't please you boath, I -think.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> But, sirrah, you must obey my orders, -not hers.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Why the gentlefolks asked for her, they did not -ask for you—what do you make such a noise about?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span></p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> For that reason, sirrah, you shou'd not -have let 'em in.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Hold, Sir, I'd rather see you angry than her, -that's true; for when you're angry you have only the -devil in ye, but when Madam's in a passion she has the -devil and his dam both in her belly.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> You must mind what I say to you, sirrah, -and obey my orders.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Ay, ay, Measter——but let's not quarrel with one -another—you're always in such a plaguy humour.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> What are these people that are just come?</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Nay, that know not I——but as fine volk they -are as ever eye beheld, heaven bless 'em.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Did you hear their names?</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Noa, noa, but in a coach they keam all besmeared -with gould, with six breave horses, the like on 'em -ne'er did I set eyes on——'twou'd do a man's heart -good to look on sike fine beast, Measter.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> How many persons are there?</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Vour——two as fine men as ever women bore, -and two as dainty deames as a man wou'd desire to lay -his lips to.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> And all this crew sets up at my house.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Noa, noa, Measter, the coachman is gone into -the village to set up his coach at some inn, for I told -him our coach-house was vull of vaggots, but he'll bring -back the six horses, for I told him we had a rear good -stable.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Did you so, rascal? Did you so?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Beats him.</em></p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Doant, doant, Sir, it wou'd do you good to see -sike cattle, i'faith they look as if they had ne'er kept -Lent.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Then they shall learn religion at my house——Sirrah, -do you take care they sup without oats to-night——What -will become of me? Since I bought this -damn'd country house, I spend more in a summer than -wou'd maintain me seven years.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Why, if you do spend money, han't you good<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span> -things for it? Come they not to see you the whole -country raund? Mind how you're belov'd, Measter.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Pox take such love——How now, what -do you want?</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lisetta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Sir, there's some company in the garden with -my mistress, who desire to see you.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> The devil take 'em, what business have -they here? But who are they?</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Why, Sir, there's the fat Abbot that always sits -so long at dinner, and drinks his two bottles by way of -whet.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> I wish his church was in his belly, that his -guts might be half full before he came——and who else?</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Then there's the young Marquis that won all -my Lady's money at cards.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Pox take him too.</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Then there's the merry Lady that's always in a -good humour.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Very well.</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Then there's she that threw down all my Lady's -china t'other day, and laugh'd at it for a jest.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Which I paid above fifty pounds for in -earnest—very well, and pray how did Madam receive -all this fine company?——With a hearty welcome, and -a courtsy with her bum down to the ground, ha.</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> No indeed, Sir, she was very angry with 'em.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> How, angry with 'em, say you?</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Yes indeed, Sir, for she expected they wou'd -have staid here a fortnight, but it seems things happen -so unluckily that they can't stay here above ten days.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Ten days! How! what! four persons -with a coach and six, and a kennel of hungry hounds in -liveries, to live upon me ten days.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Lisetta</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter a soldier.</em> -</p> - -<p>So, what do you want?</p> - -<p><em>Sol.</em> Sir, I come from your nephew, Captain <em>Hungry</em>.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Well, what does he want?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Sol.</em> He gives his service to you, Sir, and sends you -word that he'll come and dine with you to-morrow.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Dine with me! no, no, friend, tell him I -don't dine at all to-morrow, it is my fast-day, my wife -died on't.</p> - -<p><em>Sol.</em> And he has sent you here a pheasant and a couple -of partridges.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> How's that, a pheasant and partridges, say -you?——let's see——very fine birds, truly——let me -consider—To-morrow is not my fast-day, I mistook, -tell my nephew he shall be welcome——And d'ye hear? -[<em>To <span class="antiqua">Colin</span>.</em>] do you take these fowls and hang them up -in a cool place——and take this soldier in, and make -him drink—make him drink, d'ye see——a cup,——ay, -a cup of small beer——d'ye hear?</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Yes, Sir——Come along; our small beer is reare -good.</p> - -<p><em>Sol.</em> But, Sir, he bade me tell you that he'll bring two -or three of his brother officers along with him.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> How's that! Officers with him——here, -come back——take the fowls again; I don't dine to-morrow, -and so tell him [<em>Gives him the basket.</em>] Go, -go.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Thrusts him out.</em></p> - -<p><em>Sol.</em> Sir, Sir, that won't hinder them from coming, -for they retir'd a little distance off the camp, and because -your house is near 'em, Sir, they resolve to come.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Go, begone, Sirrah,</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Thrusts him out.</em></p> - -<p>There's a rogue now, that sends me three lean carrion -birds, and brings half a dozen varlets to eat them.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mr. <span class="antiqua">Griffard</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Griff.</em> Brother, what is the meaning of these doings? -If you don't order your affairs better, you'll have your -fowls taken out of your very yard, and carried away -before your face.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Can I help it, brother? But what's the -matter now?</p> - -<p><em>Griff.</em> There's a parcel of fellows have been hunting -about your grounds all this morning, broke down your<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span> -hedges, and are now coming into your house——don't -you hear them?</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> No, no, I don't hear them: who are they?</p> - -<p><em>Griff.</em> Three or four rake-helly officers, with your nephew -at the head of 'em.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> O the rogue! he might well send me fowls——but -is it not a vexatious thing, that I must stand -still and see myself plunder'd at this rate, and have a -carrion of a wife who thinks I ought to thank all these -rogues that come to devour me! but can't you advise me -what's to be done in this case?</p> - -<p><em>Griff.</em> I wish I cou'd; for it goes to my heart to see -you thus treated by a crew of vermin, who think they do -you a great deal of honour in ruining of you.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Can there be no way found to redress this?</p> - -<p><em>Griff.</em> If I were you, I'd leave this house quite, and go -to town.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> What, and leave my wife behind me? ay -that wou'd be mending the matter indeed!</p> - -<p><em>Griff.</em> Why don't you sell it then?</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Because nobody will buy it; it has got as -bad a name as if the plague were in't; it has been sold -over and over, and every family that has liv'd in it has -been ruin'd.</p> - -<p><em>Griff.</em> Then send away all your beds and furniture; except -what is absolutely necessary for your own family, -you'll save something by that, for then your guests can't -stay with you all night, however.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> I've try'd that already, and it signified nothing——For -they all got drunk and lay in the barn, -and next morning laugh'd it off for a frolick.</p> - -<p><em>Griff.</em> Then there is but one remedy left that I can -think of.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> What's that?</p> - -<p><em>Griff.</em> You must e'en do what's done when a town's on -fire, blow up your house that the mischief may run no farther——But -who is this gentleman?</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> I never saw him in my life before, but for -all that, I'll hold fifty pound he comes to dine with me.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter the Marquis.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> My dear Mr. <em>Barnard</em>, I'm your most humble -servant.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> I don't doubt it, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> What is the meaning of this, Mr. <em>Barnard</em>? -You look as coldly upon me as if I were a stranger.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Why truly, Sir, I'm very apt to do so by -persons I never saw in my life before.</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> You must know, Mr. <em>Barnard</em>, I'm come on -purpose to drink a bottle with you.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> That may be, Sir; but it happens that at -this time I am not at all dry.</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> I left the ladies at cards waiting for supper; -for my part, I never play; so I came to see my dear Mr. -<em>Barnard</em>; and I'll assure you I undertook this journey -only to have the honour of your acquaintance.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> You might have spared yourself that trouble, -Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> Don't you know, Mr. <em>Barnard</em>, that this house -of yours is a little paradise?</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Then rot me if it be, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> For my part, I think a pretty retreat in the -country is one of the greatest comforts of life; I suppose -you never want good company, Mr. <em>Barnard</em>?</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> No, Sir, I never want company; for you -must know I love very much to be alone.</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> Good wine you must keep above all things, -without good wine and good cheer I would not give a fig -for the country.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Really, Sir, my wine is the worst you ever -drank in your life, and you'll find my cheer but very -indifferent.</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> No matter, no matter, Mr. <em>Barnard</em>; I've -heard much of your hospitality, there's a plentiful table -in your looks——and your wife is certainly one of the -best women in the world.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Rot me if she be, Sir.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Colin</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Sir, Sir, yonder's the Baron <em>de Messy</em> has lost his -hawk in our garden; he says it is pearch'd upon one of -the trees; may we let him have'n again, Sir?</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Go tell him that——</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Nay, you may tell him yourself, for here he -comes.</p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> IV.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter the Baron <span class="antiqua">de Messy</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Sir, I'm your most humble Servant, and ask you a -thousand pardons that I should live so long in your neighbourhood, -and come upon such an occasion as this to pay -you my first respects.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> It is very well, Sir; but I think people -may be very good neighbours without visiting one -another.</p> - -<p><em>Baron.</em> Pray how do you like our <em>country</em>?</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Not at all, I'm quite tired on't.</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> Is it not the Baron? [<em>Aside.</em>] it is certainly he.</p> - -<p><em>Baron.</em> How; my dear Marquis! let me embrace you.</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> My dear Baron, let me kiss you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>They run and embrace.</em></p> - -<p><em>Baron.</em> We have not seen one another since we were -school-fellows, before.</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> The happiest <em>Rencontré</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Bro.</em> These gentlemen seem to be very well acquainted.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Yes, but I know neither one nor t'other of -them.</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> Baron, let me present to you one of the best-natur'd -men in the world, Mr. <em>Barnard</em> here, the flower -of hospitality——I congratulate you upon having so -good a neighbour.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Sir!</p> - -<p><em>Baron.</em> It is an advantage I am proud of.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Sir!</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> Come, gentlemen, you must be very inti<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span>mate; -let me have the honour of bringing you better acquainted.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Sir!</p> - -<p><em>Baron.</em> Dear Marquis, I shall take it as a favour, if -you'll do me that honour.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Sir!</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> With all my heart——Come, Baron, now you -are here we can make up the most agreeable company in -the world——Faith you shall stay and pass a few days -with us.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Methinks now, this son of a whore does -the honour of my house to a miracle.</p> - -<p><em>Baron.</em> I don't know what to say, but I shou'd be very -glad you'd excuse me.</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> Faith, I can't.</p> - -<p><em>Baron.</em> Dear Marquis.</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> Egad I won't.</p> - -<p><em>Baron.</em> Well, since it must be so——But here comes -the Lady of the family.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Barnard</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> Madam, let me present you to the flower of -<em>France</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Baron.</em> Madam, I shall think myself the happiest person -in the world in your Ladyship's acquaintance; and -the little estate I have in <em>this country</em> I esteem more than -all the rest, because it lies so near your Ladyship.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Barn.</em> Sir, your most humble servant.</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> Madam, the Baron <em>de Messy</em> is the best humour'd -man in the world. I've prevail'd with him to give us -his company a few days.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Barn.</em> I'm sure you could not oblige Mr. <em>Barnard</em> -or me more.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> That's a damn'd lye, I'm sure.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Baron.</em> I'm sorry, Madam, I can't accept of the honour——for -it falls out so unluckily, that I've some -ladies at my house that I can't possibly leave.</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> No matter, no matter, Baron; you have ladies -at your house, we have ladies at our house—let's<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span> -join companies——come, let's send for them immediately; -the more the merrier.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> An admirable expedient, truly!</p> - -<p><em>Baron.</em> Well, since it must be so, I'll go for them myself.</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> Make haste, dear Baron, for we shall be impatient -for your return.</p> - -<p><em>Baron.</em> Madam, your most humble servant——But I -won't take my leave of you——I shall be back again -immediately——Monsieur <em>Barnard</em>, I'm your most humble -servant; since you will have it so, I'll return as soon -as possible.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> I have it so! 'sbud, Sir, you may stay as -long as you please; I'm in no haste for ye.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt Baron and Marquis.</em></p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Madam, you are the cause that I am not -master of my own house.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Barn.</em> Will you never learn to be reasonable, -husband?</p> - -<p><em>The Marquis returns.</em></p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> The Baron is the best humour'd man in the -world, only a little too ceremonious, that's all——I love -to be free and generous; since I came to <em>Paris</em> I've reform'd -half the court.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Barn.</em> You are of the most agreeable humour in -the world, <em>Marquis</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> Always merry——But what have you done -with the ladies?</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Barn.</em> I left them at cards.</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> Well, I'll wait upon 'em——but, Madam, let -me desire you not to put yourself to any extraordinary -expence upon our accounts——You must consider we -have more than one day to live together.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Barn.</em> You are pleased to be merry, Marquis.</p> - -<p><em>Marq.</em> Treat us without ceremony; good wine and -poultry you have of your own; wild-fowl and fish are -brought to your door——You need not send abroad for -any thing but a piece of butcher's meat, or so——Let -us have no extraordinaries.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> If I had the feeding of you, a thunder -bolt should be your supper.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Barn.</em> Husband, will you never change your humour? -If you go on at this rate, it will be impossible to -live with ye.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Very true; for in a little time I shall have -nothing to live upon.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Barn.</em> Do you know what a ridiculous figure you -make?</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> You'll make a great deal worse, when you -han't money enough to pay for the washing of your -shifts.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Barn.</em> It seems you married me only to dishonour -me; how horrible this is!</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> I tell ye, you'll ruin me. Do you know -how much money you spend in a year?</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Barn.</em> Not I truly, I don't understand arithmetic.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Arithmetic, O lud! O lud! Is it so hard -to comprehend, that he who receives but sixpence and -spends a shilling, must be ruin'd in the end?</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Barn.</em> I never troubled my head with accompts, -nor never will; but if you did but know what ridiculous -things the world says of ye——</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Rot the world——'Twill say worse of me -when I'm in a jail.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Barn.</em> A very Christian-like saying, truly.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Don't tell me of Christian——Adsbud, I'll -turn Jew, and nobody shall eat at my table that is not -circumcised.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lisetta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Madam, there's the Dutchess of <em>Twangdillo</em> just -fell down near our door, her coach was overturn'd.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Barn.</em> I hope her Grace has received no hurt.</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> No, Madam, but her coach is broke.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Then there's a smith in town may mend it.</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> They say, 'twill require two or three days to fit -it up again.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Barn.</em> I'm glad on't with all my heart, for then<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span> -I shall enjoy the pleasure of her Grace's good company.——I'll -wait upon her.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Very fine doings this!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt severally.</em></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_II_SCENE_I3" id="ACT_II_SCENE_I3"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> II. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Mr.</span> Barnard.</em> -</p> - -<p class="drop-capw"><span class="smcap">Heaven</span> be now my comfort, for my house is hell: -[<em>Starts.</em>] Who's there, what do you want? who -are you?</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter servant with a portmanteau.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Sir, here's your cousin <em>Janno</em> and cousin <em>Mawkin</em> -come from <em>Paris</em>.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> What a plague do they want?</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Janno</span> leading in <span class="antiqua">Mawkin</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Jan.</em> Come, sister, come along——O here's cousin -<em>Barnard</em>——Cousin <em>Barnard</em>, your servant——Here's -my sister <em>Mawkin</em> and I are come to see you.</p> - -<p><em>Mawk.</em> Ay, cousin, here's brother <em>Janno</em> and I are -come from <em>Paris</em> to see you: pray how does cousin <em>Mariamne</em> -do?</p> - -<p><em>Jan.</em> My sister and I waunt well at <em>Paris</em>; so my father -sent us here for two or three weeks to take a little -country air.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> You cou'd not come to a worse place; for -this is the worst air in the whole county.</p> - -<p><em>Mawk.</em> Nay, I'm sure, my father says it is the best.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Your father's a fool; I tell ye, 'tis the -worst.</p> - -<p><em>Jan.</em> Nay, cousin, I fancy you're mistaken now; for -I begin to find my stomach come to me already; in a -fortnight's time you shall see how I'll lay about me.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> I don't at all doubt it.</p> - -<p><em>Mawk.</em> Father wou'd have sent sister <em>Flip.</em> and little<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> -brother <em>Humphrey</em>, but the calash would not hold us all, -and so they don't come till to-morrow with mother.</p> - -<p><em>Jan.</em> Come, sister, let's put up our things in our chamber; -and after you have washed my face, and put me on -a clean neckcloth, we'll go in and see how our cousins do.</p> - -<p><em>Mawk.</em> Ay, come along, we'll go and see cousin <em>Mariamne</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Jan.</em> Cousin, we shan't give you much trouble, one -bed will serve us; for sister <em>Mawkin</em> and I always lie together.</p> - -<p><em>Mawk.</em> But, cousin; mother prays you that you'd -order a little cock-broth for brother <em>Janno</em> and I, to be -got ready as soon as may be.</p> - -<p><em>Jan.</em> Ay, <em>a propos</em>, cousin <em>Barnard</em>, that's true; my -mother desires, that we may have some cock-broth to -drink two or three times a-day between meals, for my -sister and I are sick folks.</p> - -<p><em>Mawk.</em> And some young chickens, too, the doctor -said would bring us to our stomachs very soon.</p> - -<p><em>Jan.</em> You fib now, sister, it waunt young chickens, -so it waunt, it was plump partridges sure, the doctor -said so.</p> - -<p><em>Mawk.</em> Ay, so it was brother,—come, let's go in, -and see our cousins.</p> - -<p><em>Jan.</em> Ay, come along, sister—cousin <em>Barnard</em>, don't -forget the cock-broth.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt <span class="antiqua">Janno</span> and <span class="antiqua">Mawkin</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> What the Devil does all this mean——mother, -and sister <em>Flip.</em>, and little brother <em>Humphrey</em>, and -chickens, and partridges, and cock-broth, and fire from -hell to dress 'em all.</p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> II.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Colin</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> O measter, O measter——you'll not chide to-day, -as you are usen to do, no marry will you not; see -now what it is to be wiser than one's measter.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> What wou'd this fool have?</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Why thanks and money to boot, an folk were -grateful.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span></p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> What's the matter?</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Why the matter is, if you have good store of company -in your house, you have good store of meat to put -in their bellies.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> How so? how so?</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Why a large and stately stag, with a pair of -horns on his head, heavens bless you, your worship -might be seen to wear 'em, comes towards our Geat a -puffing and blawing like a cow in hard labour——Now -says I to myself, says I, if my measter refuse to let -this fine youth come in, why then he's a fool, d'ye see—So -I opens him the geat, pulls off my hat with both my -honds, and said you're welcome, kind Sir, to our -house.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Well, well!</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Well, well, ay, and so it is well, as you shall -straightway find——So in he trots, and makes directly -towards our barn, and goes bounce, bounce, against the -door, as boldly as if he had been measter on't——he -turns'en about and thwacks'n down in the stra, as who -would say, here will I lay me till to-morrow morning—But -he had no fool to deal with——for to the kitchen -goes I, and takes me down a musquet, and with a breace -of balls, I hits'n such a slap in the feace, that he ne'er -spoke a word more to me——Have I done well or no -measter?</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Yes, you have done very well for once.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> But this was not all, for a parcel of dogs came -yelping after their companion, as I suppose; so I goes -to the back yard-door, and as many as came by, shu, -says I, and drove them into the gearden, so there they -are as safe as in a pawnd——ha, ha,——but I can but -think what a power of pasties we shall have at our house, -ha, ha.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Colin</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> I see Providence takes some care of me: -this cou'd never have happened in a better time.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> III.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Cook</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Cook.</em> Sir, sir, in the name of wonder, what do you -mean? is it by your orders that all those dogs were let -into the garden?</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> How!</p> - -<p><em>Cook.</em> I believe there's forty or fifty dogs tearing up -the lettice and cabbage by the root. I believe before -they have done, they'll rout up the whole garden.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> This is that rogue's doings.</p> - -<p><em>Cook.</em> This was not all, Sir, for three or four of 'em -came into the kitchen, and tore half the meat off the -spit that was for your worship's supper.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> The very dogs plague me.</p> - -<p><em>Cook.</em> And then there's a crew of hungry footmen -who devour'd what the dogs left, so that there's not a -bit left for your worship's supper, not a scrap, not one -morsel, Sir.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Cook</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Sure I shall hit on some way to get rid of -this crew.</p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> IV.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Colin</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Sir, Sir, here's the devil to do without yonder; -a parcel of fellows swear they'll have our venison, and -s'blead I swear they shall have none on't, so stand to -your arms, measter.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Ay, you've done finely, rogue, rascal, have -you not?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Beating him.</em></p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> 'Sblead, I say they shan't have our venison. I'll -die before I'll part with it.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Griffard</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Griff.</em> Brother, there's some gentlemen within ask for -you.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> What gentlemen? who are they?</p> - -<p><em>Griff.</em> The gentlemen that have been hunting all this -morning, they're now gone up to your wife's chamber.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> The Devil go with 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Griff.</em> There is but one way to get rid of this plague, -and that is, as I told you before, to set your house on -fire.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> That's doing myself an injury, not them.</p> - -<p><em>Griff.</em> There's dogs, horses, masters and servants, all -intend to stay here 'till to-morrow morning, that they -may be near the woods to hunt the earlier—besides (I -overheard them) they're in a kind of plot against you.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> What did they say?</p> - -<p><em>Griff.</em> You'll be angry if I tell ye.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Can I be more angry than I am?</p> - -<p><em>Griff.</em> They said then that it was the greatest pleasure -in the world to ruin an old lawyer in the country, who -had got an estate by ruining honest people in town.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> There's rogues for ye!</p> - -<p><em>Griff.</em> I'm mistaken if they don't play you some trick -or other.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Hold, let me consider.</p> - -<p><em>Griff.</em> What are you doing?</p> - -<p><em>Griff.</em> I'm <em>conceiving</em>, I shall <em>bring forth</em> presently——oh, -I have it, it comes from hence, wit was its father, -and invention its mother; if I had thought on't sooner, -I shou'd have been happy.</p> - -<p><em>Griff.</em> What is it?</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Come, come along, I say; you must help -me to put it in execution.</p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> V.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lisetta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Sir, my mistress desires you to walk up, she is not -able, by herself, to pay the civilities due to so much good -company.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> O the carrion! what does she play her -jests upon me too?——but mum, he laughs best that -laughs last.</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> What shall I tell her, Sir, will you come?</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Yes, yes, tell her I'll come with a pox to her.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt <span class="antiqua">Mr.</span> Barnard <span class="antiqua">and</span> Griffard.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Nay, I don't wonder he shou'd be angry—they -do try his patience, that's the truth on't.</p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> VI.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Mariamne</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>What, Madam, have you left your mother and the company?</p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> So much tittle tattle makes my head ake; I -don't wonder my father shou'd not love the <em>country</em>, for -besides the expence he's at, he never enjoys a minute's -quiet.</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> But let's talk of our own affairs—have you writ -to your lover?</p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> No, for I have not had time since I saw him.</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Now you have time then, about it immediately, -for he's a sort of desperate spark, and a body does not -know what he may do, if he shou'd not hear from you; -besides you promised him, and you must behave yourself -like a woman of honour, and keep your word.</p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> I'll about it this minute.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Charly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Char.</em> Cousin, cousin, cousin, where are you going? -Come back, I have something to say to you.</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> What does this troublesome boy want?</p> - -<p><em>Char.</em> What's that to you what I want? perhaps I have -something to say to her that will make her laugh——why -sure! what need you care?</p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> Don't snub my cousin <em>Charly</em>——well, what is't?</p> - -<p><em>Char.</em> Who do you think I met, as I was coming here, -but that handsome gentleman I've seen at church ogle -you like any devil?</p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> Hush, softly, cousin.</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Not a word of that for your life.</p> - -<p><em>Char.</em> O I know I shou'd not speak on't before folks; -you know I made signs to you above, that I wanted to -speak to you in private, didn't I, cousin?</p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> Yes, yes, I saw you.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Char.</em> You see I can keep a secret.——I am no girl, -mun——I believe I cou'd tell you fifty and fifty to -that, of my sister <em>Cicely</em>——O she's the devil of a -girl——but she gives me money and sugar-plumbs——and -those that are kind to me fare the better for it, you -see cousin.</p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> I always said my cousin <em>Charly</em> was a good-natur'd -boy.</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> Well, and did he know you?</p> - -<p><em>Char.</em> Yes, I think he did know me—for he took me -in his arms, and did so hug and kiss me——between -you and I, cousin, I believe he is one of the best friends -I have in the world.</p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> Well, but what did he say to you?</p> - -<p><em>Char.</em> Why, he ask'd me where I was going; I told -him I was coming to see you; you're a lying young rogue, -says he, I'm sure you dare not go see your cousin—for -you must know my sister was with me, and it seems he took -her for a crack, and I being a forward boy, he fancied I -was going to make love to her under a hedge, ha, ha.</p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> So.</p> - -<p><em>Char.</em> So he offer'd to lay me a <em>Lewis d'Or</em> that I was -not coming to you; so done, says I——Done, says -he,——and so 'twas a bett, you know.</p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> Certainly.</p> - -<p><em>Char.</em> So my sister's honour being concern'd, and -having a mind to win his <em>Lewis d'Or</em>, d'ye see——I bid -him follow me, that he might see whether I came in or -no—but he said he'd wait for me at the little garden gate -that opens into the fields, and if I would come thro' the -house and meet him there, he should know by that whether -I had been in or no.</p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> Very well.</p> - -<p><em>Char.</em> So I went there, open'd the gate and let him in—</p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> What then?</p> - -<p><em>Char.</em> Why then he paid me the <em>Lewis d'Or</em>, that's all.</p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> Why, that was honestly done.</p> - -<p><em>Char.</em> And then he talk'd to me of you, and said you -had the charmingest bubbies, and every time he nam'd -'em, ha! says he, as if he had been sipping hot tea.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> But was this all?</p> - -<p><em>Char.</em> No, for he had a mind, you must know, to win -his <em>Lewis d'Or</em> back again; so he laid me another, that -I dare not come back, and tell you that he was there; -so cousin, I hope you won't let me lose, for if you don't -go to him and tell him that I've won, he won't pay me.</p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> What, wou'd you have me go and speak to a -man?</p> - -<p><em>Char.</em> Not for any harm, but to win your poor cousin -a <em>Lewis d'Or</em>. I'm sure you will—for you're a modest -young woman, and may go without danger——Well, -cousin, I'll swear you look very handsome to-day, and -have the prettiest bubbies there; do let me feel 'em, I'll -swear you must.</p> - -<p><em>Mar.</em> What does the young rogue mean? I swear I'll -have you whipt.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt <span class="antiqua">Charly</span> and <span class="antiqua">Mariamne</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Colin</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Ha, ha, ha! our old gentleman's a wag efaith, -he'll be even with 'em for all this, ha, ha, ha——</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> What's the matter? what does the fool laugh at?</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> We an't in our house now, <em>Lisetta</em>, we're in an -inn: ha, ha!</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> How in an inn?</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Yes, in an inn, my measter has gotten an old -rusty sword, and hung it up at our geat, and writ underneath -with a piece of charcoal with his own fair hand, -<em>At the</em> Sword Royal; <em>entertainment for man and horse</em>: ha, -ha——</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> What whim is this?</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Thou, and I, live at the <em>Sword Royal</em>, ha, ha—</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> I'll go tell my mistress of her father's extravagance.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Lisetta</span>.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> VII.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mr. <span class="antiqua">Barnard</span> and <span class="antiqua">Griffard</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Ha, ha! yes I think this will do. Sirrah, -<em>Colin</em>, you may now let in all the world; the more the -better.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Colin.</em> Yes, Sir——Ods-flesh! we shall break all the -inns in the country——For we have a brave handsome -landlady, and a curious young lass to her daughter——O, -here comes my young measter——We'll make him -chamberlain——ha, ha——</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Dorant</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> What's the matter, son? How comes it -that you are all alone? You used to do me the favour to -bring some of your friends along with ye.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Sir, there are some of 'em coming; I only rid -before, to beg you to give them a favourable reception.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Ay why not? it is both for your honour -and mine; you shall be master.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Sir, we have now an opportunity of making all -the gentlemen in the country our friends.</p> - -<p>Mr <em>Barn.</em> I'm glad on't with all my heart; pray how -so?</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> There's an old quarrel to be made up between -two families, and all the company are to meet at our -house.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Ay, with all my heart; but pray, what is -the quarrel?</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> O, Sir, a very ancient quarrel; It happened -between their great grandfathers about a duck.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> A quarrel of consequence truly.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> And 'twill be a great honour to us, if this shou'd -be accommodated at our house.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Without doubt.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Dear Sir, you astonish me with this goodness; -how shall I express this obligation? I was afraid, Sir, -you would not like it.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Why so?</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> I thought, Sir, you did not care for the expence.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> O Lord, I am the most alter'd man in the -world from what I was, I'm quite another thing, mun; -but how many are there of 'em?</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Not above nine or ten of a side, Sir.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> O, we shall dispose of them easily enough.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Some of 'em will be here present'y, the rest I -don't expect 'till to-morrow morning.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> I hope they're good companions, jolly fellows, -that love to eat and drink well.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> The merriest, best-natur'd creatures in the world, -Sir.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> I'm very glad on't, for 'tis such men I -want. Come, brother, you and I will go and prepare for -their reception.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt Mr. <span class="antiqua">Barnard</span> and his brother.</em></p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Bless me, what an alteration is here! How my -father's temper is chang'd within these two or three -days! Do you know the meaning of it?</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Why the meaning on't is, ha, ha——</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Can you tell me the cause of this sudden change, -I say?</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Why the cause on't is, ha, ha.——</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> What do you laugh at, sirrah? do you know?</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Ha——because the old gentleman's a drole, -that's all.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Sirrah, if I take the cudgel——</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Nay, Sir, don't be angry for a little harmless -mirth——But here are your friends.</p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> VIII.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter three gentlemen.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Gentlemen you are welcome to <em>Pasty-Hall</em>; see -that these gentlemens horses are taken care of.</p> - -<p><em>1 Gen.</em> A very fine dwelling this.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Yes, the house is tolerable.</p> - -<p><em>2 Gen.</em> And a very fine lordship belongs to it.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> The land is good.</p> - -<p><em>3 Gen.</em> This house ought to have been mine, for my -grandfather sold it to his father, from whom your father -purchased it.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Yes, the house has gone thro' a great many hands.</p> - -<p><em>1 Gen.</em> A sign there has always been good house-keeping -in it.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> And I hope there ever will.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mr. <span class="antiqua">Barnard</span>, and <span class="antiqua">Griffard</span>, drest like drawers.</em> -</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Gentlemen, do you call? will you please to -see a room, gentlemen? somebody take off the gentlemens -boots there?</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Father! uncle! what is the meaning of this?</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Here, shew a room——or will you please -to walk into the kitchen first, gentlemen, and see what -you like for dinner.</p> - -<p><em>1 Gen.</em> Make no preparations, Sir, your own dinner -is sufficient.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Very well, I understand ye; let's see, how -many are there of ye? [<em>Tells 'em.</em>] One, two, three, -four: well, gentlemen, 'tis but half a crown a-piece -for yourselves, and sixpence a-head for your servants; -your dinner shall be ready in half an hour; here, shew -the gentlemen into the <em>Apollo</em>.</p> - -<p><em>2 Gen.</em> What, Sir, does your father keep an inn?</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> The <em>Sword Royal</em>; at your service, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> But father let me speak to you; would you disgrace -me?</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> My wine is very good, gentlemen, but to -be very plain with ye, it is dear.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> O, I shall run distracted.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> You seem not to like my house, gentlemen; -you may try all the inns in the county, and not -be better entertained; but I own my bills run high.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Gentlemen, let me beg the favour of ye.</p> - -<p><em>1 Gen.</em> Ay, my young <em>'Squire <span class="antiqua">of the</span> Sword Royal'</em>, you -shall receive some favours from us.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Dear Monsieur <em>le Guarantiere</em>.</p> - -<p><em>1 Gen.</em> Here, my horse there.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Monsieur <em>la Rose</em>.</p> - -<p><em>2 Gen.</em> Damn ye, ye prig.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Monsieur <em>Trofignac</em>.</p> - -<p><em>3 Gen.</em> Go to the devil.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt Gentlemen.</em></p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> O, I'm disgrac'd for ever.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Now, son, this will teach you how to live.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Your son? I deny the kindred; I'm the son of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span> -a whore, and I'll burn your house about your ears, you -old rogue you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Ha, ha——</p> - -<p><em>Griff.</em> The young gentleman's in a passion.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> They're all gone for all that, and the -<em>Sword Royal</em>'s the best general in Christendom.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Erastus</span>'s servant, talking with <span class="antiqua">Lisetta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lis.</em> What, that tall gentleman I saw in the garden -with ye?</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> The same, he's my master's uncle, and ranger -of the king's forests——He intends to leave my master all -he has.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Don't I know this scoundrel? What, is -his master here? What do you do here, rascal?</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> I was asking which must be my master's -chamber.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Where is your master?</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Above stairs with your wife and daughter; and -I want to know where he's to lie that I may put up his -things.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Do you so, rascal?</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> A very handsome inn this—Here, drawer, fetch -me a pint of wine.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Take that, rascal, do you banter us?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Kicks him out.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Barnard</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Barn.</em> What is the meaning of this, husband? -Are not you asham'd to turn your house into an inn——and -is this a dress for my spouse, and a man of -your character?</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> I'd rather wear this dress than be ruin'd.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Barn.</em> You're nearer being so than you imagine: -for there are some persons within, who have it in their -power to punish you for your ridiculous folly.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Erastus</span>, leading in <span class="antiqua">Mariamne</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> How, Sir, what means this? who sent -you here?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Er.</em> It was the luckiest star in your firmament that -sent me here.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Then I doubt, at my birth, the planets -were but in a scurvy disposition.</p> - -<p><em>Er.</em> Killing one of the king's stags, that run hither -for refuge, is enough to overturn a fortune much better -established than yours——However, Sir, if you will -consent to give me your daughter, for her sake I will -bear you harmless.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> No, Sir, no man shall have my daughter, -that won't take my house too.</p> - -<p><em>Er.</em> Sir, I will take your house; pay you the full -value of it, and you shall remain as much master of it as -ever.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> No, Sir, that won't do neither; you must -be master yourself, and from this minute begin to do the -honours of it in your own person.</p> - -<p><em>Er.</em> Sir, I readily consent.</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Barn.</em> Upon that condition, and in order to get -rid of my house, here, take my daughter——And now, -Sir, if you think you've a hard bargain, I don't care if I -toss you in my wife to make you amends.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Well then, since all things thus are fairly sped,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>My <span class="antiqua">Son</span> in anger, and my <span class="antiqua">Daughter</span> wed;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>My <span class="antiqua">House</span> dispos'd of, the sole cause of strife,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>I now may hope to lead a happy life,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>If I can part with my <span class="antiqua">Engaging Wife</span>.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></p> -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/illus-177.jpg" width="700" height="37" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h2><a name="A" id="A">A</a><br /> - -<span class="smcap">Journey</span> to <span class="smcap">London</span>.<br /> - -Being Part of a<br /> - -COMEDY.</h2> - - -<p class="directcenter">Written by</p> - -<p class="directcenter">Sir <span class="smcap">John Vanbrugh</span>. -</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/illus-177.jpg" width="700" height="37" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="Dramatis_Personae4" id="Dramatis_Personae4">Dramatis Personæ.</a></h3> - - -<h4>MEN.</h4> - - -<div class="center"> -<ul><li>Sir <em>Francis Headpiece</em>, a country gentleman.</li> - -<li>Lord <em>Loverule</em>.</li> - -<li>Sir <em>Charles</em>.</li> - -<li>Uncle <em>Richard</em>, uncle to Sir <em>Francis</em>.</li> - -<li>Squire <em>Humphry</em>, son to Sir <em>Francis</em>.</li> - -<li>Colonel <em>Courtly</em>.</li> - -<li><em>John Moody</em>, servant to Sir <em>Francis</em>.</li> - -<li><em>James</em>, servant to uncle <em>Richard</em>.</li> -</ul> -</div> - - -<h4>WOMEN.</h4> - - -<div class="center"> -<ul><li>Lady <em>Headpiece</em>.</li> - -<li>Miss <em>Betty</em>, her daughter.</li> - -<li>Lady <em>Arabella</em>, wife to Lord <em>Loverule</em>.</li> - -<li><em>Clarinda</em>, a young unmarried lady.</li> - -<li>Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>, one that lets lodgings.</li> - -<li><em>Martilla</em>, her niece.</li> -</ul> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p> - -<p class="ph2">A<br /> -<span class="smcap">Journey</span> <em>to</em> <span class="smcap">London</span>. -</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_I_SCENE_I4" id="ACT_I_SCENE_I4"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> I. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - -<p class="directcenter"><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> <em>Uncle</em> Richard's <em>House</em>. -</p> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Uncle <span class="antiqua">Richard</span> solus.</em> -</p> - -<p class="drop-capw"><span class="smcap">What</span> prudent cares does this deep foreseeing -nation take, for the support of its worshipful -families! In order to which, and that they may not fail -to be always significant and useful in their country, it -is a settled foundation-point that every child that is -born shall be a beggar——except one; and that -he——shall be a fool——My grandfather was bred -a fool, as the country report: my father was a fool,——as -my mother used to say; my brother was a -fool, to my own knowledge, though a great justice -of the peace; and he has left a son, that will make -his son a fool, or I am mistaken. The lad is now -fourteen years old, and but just out of his Psalter. -As to his honour'd father, my much esteem'd nephew, -here I have him. [<em>Shewing a letter.</em>] In this pro<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span>profound -epistle (which I have just now received) -there is the top and bottom of him. Forty years and -two is the age of him; in which it is computed by -his butler, his own person has drank two and thirty -ton of ale. The rest of his time has been employed -in persecuting all the poor four-legg'd creatures round, -that wou'd but run away fast enough from him, to -give him the high-mettled pleasure of running after -them. In this noble employ he has broke his right arm, -his left leg, and both his collar-bones——Once he -broke his neck, but that did him no harm: A nimble -hedge leaper, a brother of the stirrup that was by, -whipt off his horse and mended it. His estate being -left him with two jointures, and three weighty mortgages -upon it, he to make all easy, and pay his brother's -and sister's portions, married a profuse young -housewife for love, with never a penny of money. -Having done all this, like his brave ancestors, for -the support of the family, he now finds children and -interest money make such a bawling about his ears, -that he has taken the friendly advice of his neighbour, -the good Lord <em>Courtlove</em>, to run his estate two thousand -pounds more in debt, that he may retrieve his affairs -by being a parliament-man, and bringing his wife to -<em>London</em>, to play off an hundred pounds at dice with ladies -of quality, before breakfast.</p> - -<p>But let me read this wiseacre's letter once over again.</p> - -<p> -Most Honoured Uncle,<br /> -</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p> - -<p class="drop-capw"><em><span class="smcap">I</span> do not doubt but you have much rejoiced at my success, -in my election; it has cost me some money, I own: but -what of all that! I am a parliament-man, and that will -set all to rights. I have lived in the country all my days, -'tis true; but what then! I have made speeches at the -sessions, and in the vestry too, and can elsewhere perhaps, -as well as some others that do; and I have a noble friend -hard by, who has let me into some small knowledge of what's -what at <span class="antiqua">Westminster</span>. And so that I may always be at -hand to serve my country, I have consulted with my wife, -about taking a house at <span class="antiqua">London</span>, and bringing her and my -family up to town; which, her opinion is, will be the rightest -thing in the world.</em></p> - -<p>My wife's opinion about bringing her to <em>London</em>! I'll -read no more of thee——Beast.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Strikes the letter down with his stick.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">James</span> hastily.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>James.</em> Sir, Sir, do you hear the news? they are all -a-coming.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Ay, sirrah, I hear it with a pox to it.</p> - -<p><em>James.</em> Sir, here's <em>John Moody</em> arriv'd already; he's -stumping about the streets in his dirty boots, and asking -every man he meets, if they can tell where he may -have a good lodging for a parliament-man, 'till he can -hire such a house as becomes him; he tells them his lady -and all the family are coming too, and that they are -so nobly attended, they care not a fig for any body. -Sir, they have added two cart-horses to the four old -geldings, because my lady will have it said, she came to -town in her coach and six, and (ha, ha,) heavy <em>George</em> -the plowman rides postillion.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Very well; the journey begins as it shou'd -do——<em>James</em>.</p> - -<p><em>James.</em> Sir.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Dost know whether they bring all the -children with them?</p> - -<p><em>James.</em> Only 'Squire <em>Humphry</em>, and Miss <em>Betty</em>, Sir; -the other six are put to board at half a crown a week a -head, with <em>Joan Growse</em>, at <em>Smoke-Dunghill</em> farm.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> The Lord have mercy upon all good -folks! what work will these people make! dost know -when they'll be here?</p> - -<p><em>James.</em> <em>John</em> says, Sir, they'd have been here last -night, but that the old wheezy-belly horse tir'd, and -the two fore-wheels came crash down at once in <em>Waggonrut</em>-lane. -Sir, they were cruelly loaden, as I understand; -my lady herself, he says, laid on four mail -trunks, besides the great deal-box, which fat <em>Tom</em> sat -upon behind.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Soh!</p> - -<p><em>James.</em> Then within the coach there was Sir <em>Francis</em>, -my Lady, and the great fat lap-dog, 'Squire <em>Humphry</em>, -Miss <em>Betty</em>, my Lady's maid Mrs. Handy, and <em>Doll Tripe</em> -the cook; but she puked with sitting backward, so they -mounted her into the coach-box.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Very well.</p> - -<p><em>James.</em> Then, Sir, for fear of a famine, before they -should get to the baiting-place, there was such baskets -of plumb-cake, Dutch-gingerbread, Cheshire-cheese, -Naples-biscuits, Macaroons, Neats-tongues, and cold -boil'd beef——and in case of sickness, such bottles of -usquebaugh, black cherry-brandy, cinamon-water, sack, -tent, and strong beer, as made the old coach crack -again.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Well said!</p> - -<p><em>James.</em> And for defence of this good cheer, and my -Lady's little pearl necklace, there was the family basket-hilt -sword, the great Turkish cimiter, the old blunderbuss, -a good bag of bullets, and a great horn of -gunpowder.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Admirable!</p> - -<p><em>James.</em> Then for band-boxes, they were so bepiled -up to Sir <em>Francis</em>'s nose, that he could only peep out at -a chance hole with one eye, as if he were viewing the -country thro' a perspective glass. But, Sir, if you -please, I'll go look after <em>John Moody</em> a little for fear of -accidents: For he never was in <em>London</em> before, you -know, but one week, and then he was kidnapp'd into -a house of ill repute, where he exchang'd all his money -and clothes for a——um. So I'll go look after him, -Sir.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Nay, I don't doubt but this wise expedition -will be attended with more adventures than one.——This -noble head, and supporter of his family, -will, as an honest country gentleman, get credit -enough amongst the tradesmen, to run so far in debt in -one session, as will make him just fit for a gaol, when -he's drop'd at the next election. He will make his -speeches in the house to shew the government of what im<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span>portance -he can be to them, by which they will see, he -can be of no importance at all; and he will find in time, -that he stands valued at (if he votes right) being sometimes——invited -to dinner. Then his wife (who -has ten times more of a jade about her than he yet -knows of) will so improve in this rich soil, she will, in -one month, learn every vice the finest lady in the town -can teach her. She will be extremely courteous to the -fops who make love to her in jest, and she will be extremely -grateful to those who do it in earnest. She will -visit all ladies that will let her into their houses, and -she will run in debt to all the shopkeepers that will let -her into their books. In short, before her husband has -got five pound by a speech at <em>Westminster</em>, she will have -lost five hundred at cards and dice in the parish of <em>St. -James</em>'s. Wife and family to <em>London</em> with a pox!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Going off.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">James</span> and <span class="antiqua">John Moody</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>James.</em> Dear <em>John Moody</em>, I'm so glad to see you in -London once more.</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> And I you, my dear <em>James</em>: Give me a -kiss——Why that's friendly.</p> - -<p><em>James.</em> I wish they had been so, <em>John</em>, that you met -with when you were here before.</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Ah——Murrain upon all rogues -and whores, I say: But I am grown so cunning now, -the de'el himself can't handle me. I have made a notable -bargain for these lodgings here, we are to pay -but five pounds a week, and have all the house to ourselves.</p> - -<p><em>James.</em> Where are the people that belong to it to be -then?</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> O! there's only the gentlewoman, her -two maids, and a cousin, a very pretty civil young woman -truly, and the maids are the merriest griggs——</p> - -<p><em>James.</em> Have a care, <em>John</em>.</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> O, fear nothing, we did so play together -last night.</p> - -<p><em>James.</em> Hush, here comes my master.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Uncle <span class="antiqua">Richard</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> What! <em>John</em> has taken these lodgings, -has he?</p> - -<p><em>James.</em> Yes, Sir, he has taken 'em.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Oh John! how dost do, honest John? I -am glad to see thee with all my heart.</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> I humbly thank your worship. I'm staut -still, and a faithful awd servant to th' family. Heaven -prosper aw that belong to't.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> What, they are all upon the road?</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> As mony as the awd coach wou'd hauld, -Sir: the Lord send 'em well to tawn.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> And well out on't again, John, ha!</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Ah, Sir! you are a wise man, so am I: -home's home, I say. I wish we get any good here. -I's sure we got little upo' the road. Some mischief -or other aw the day long. Slap goes one thing, crack -goes another; my Lady cries out for driving fast: The -awd cattle are for going slow; <em>Roger</em> whips, they stand -still and kick; nothing but a sort of a contradiction aw -the journey long. My Lady wou'd gladly have been -here last night, Sir, tho' there was no lodging got; but -her Ladyship said, she did naw care for that, she'd -lie in the inn where the horses stood, as long as it was -in London.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> These ladies, these ladies, <em>John</em>——</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Ah, Sir, I have seen a little of 'em, tho' -not so much as my betters. Your worship is naw married -yet?</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> No, <em>John</em> no; I am an old batchelor still.</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Heav'ns bless you and preserve you, Sir.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> I think you have lost your good woman, -John!</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> No, sir, that I have not; <em>Bridget</em> sticks -to me still, Sir, she was for coming to <em>London</em> too, but, -no, says I, there may be mischief enough done without -you.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Why that was bravely spoken, <em>John</em>, and -like a man.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Sir, were my measter but haf the mon -that I am, Gadswookers——tho' he'll speak stautly too -sometimes, but then he canno hawd it; no, he canno -hawd it.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Maid.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Maid.</em> Mr. <em>Moody</em>, Mr. <em>Moody</em>, here's the coach come.</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Already? no, sure.</p> - -<p><em>Maid.</em> Yes, yes, it's at the door, they are getting out; -my mistress is run to receive them.</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> And so will I as in duty bound.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt <span class="antiqua">John</span> and maid.</em></p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> And I will stay here, not being in duty -bound to do the honours of this house.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Sir <span class="antiqua">Francis</span>, Lady, 'Squire <span class="antiqua">Humphry</span>, Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Betty</span>, -Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Handy</span>, <span class="antiqua">Doll Tripe</span>, <span class="antiqua">John Moody</span>, and -Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Motherly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Do you hear, <em>Moody</em>, let all the things -be first laid down here, and then carried where they'll be -used.</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> They shall, an't please your ladyship.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> What, my uncle <em>Richard</em> here to receive -us! this is kind indeed: Sir, I am extremely glad to see -you.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Niece, your servant. [<em>Salutes her.</em>] I am -extremely sorry to see you, in the worst place I know in -the world for a good woman to grow better in. Nephew, -I am your servant too; but I don't know how to bid you -welcome.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> I am sorry for that, Sir.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Nay, 'tis for your own sake: I'm not -concern'd.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> I hope, uncle, I shall give you such weighty -reasons for what I've done, as shall convince you I'm a -prudent man.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> That wilt thou never convince me of, -whilst thou shalt live.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Here, <em>Humphry</em>, come up to your uncle——Sir, -this is your godson.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span></p> - -<p>Squire <em>Humph.</em> Honour'd uncle and godfather; I creave -leave to ask your blessing.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Kneels.</em></p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Thou art a numbscull I see already.</p> - -<p class="directright">[Aside.</p> - -<p>There thou hast it. [<em>Puts his hand on his head.</em>] And if it -will do thee any good, may it be, to make thee, at least, -as wise a man as thy father.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Miss Betty, don't you see your uncle?</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> And for thee, my dear, may'st thou be, -at least, as good a woman as thy mother.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> I wish I may ever be so handsome, Sir.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Ha! Miss Pert! now that's a thought -that seems to have been hatch'd in the girl on this side -<em>Highgate</em>.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Her tongue is a little nimble, Sir.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> That's only from her country education, -Sir Francis, she has been kept there too long; I therefore -brought her to <em>London</em>, Sir, to learn more reserve and -modesty.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> O! the best place in the world for it. Every -woman she meets, will teach her something of it. There's -the good gentlewoman of the house, looks like a knowing -person, ev'n she perhaps will be so good to read her a -lesson, now and then, upon that subject. An arrant bawd, -or I have no skill in physiognomy.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> Alas, Sir, Miss won't stand long in need -of my poor instructions; if she does, they'll be always at -her service.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Very obliging, indeed, Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Very kind and civil truly; I believe we are -got into a mighty good house here.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> For good business, very probable.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Well, niece, your servant for to-night; you have a great -deal of affairs upon your hands here, so I won't hinder -you.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> I believe, Sir, I shan't have much less -every day, while I stay in this town, of one sort or other.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Why, 'tis a town of much action indeed.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> And my mother did not come to it to be -idle, Sir.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span></p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Nor you neither, I dare say, young mistress.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> I hope not, Sir.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Um! Miss Mettle.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Going, Sir Francis following him.</em></p> - -<p>Where are you going, nephew?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Only to attend you to the door, Sir.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Phu! no ceremony with me; you'll find -I shall use none with you, or your family.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> I must do as you command me, Sir.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Petty.</em> This uncle <em>Richard</em>, papa, seems but a -crusty sort of an old fellow.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> He is a little odd, child, but you must be -very civil to him, for he has a great deal of money, and -nobody knows who he may give it to.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Phu, a fig for his money; you have so -many projects of late about money, since you are a parliament -man, we must make ourselves slaves to his testy -humours, seven years, perhaps, in hopes to be his heirs; -and then, he'll be just old enough to marry his maid. -But pray let us take care of our things here: Are they -all brought in yet?</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Han.</em> Almost, my lady, there are only some of -the band-boxes behind, and a few odd things.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Let 'em be fetcht in presently.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Han.</em> They are here; come bring the things in: -Is there all yet?</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> All but the great basket of apples and the goose-pye.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Cookmaid</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Cook.</em> Ah my Lady! we're aw undone, the goose-pye's -gwon.</p> - -<p><em>All.</em> Gone?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> The goose-pye gone? how?</p> - -<p><em>Cook.</em> Why, Sir, I had got it fast under my arm to -bring it in, but being almost dark, up comes two of -these thin starv'd <em>London</em> rogues, one gives me a great -kick o' the——here; [<em>Laying her hand upon her backside.</em>] -while t'other hungry varlet twitch'd the dear pye out of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span> -my hands, and away they run dawn street like two grayhounds. -I cry'd out fire! but heavy <em>George</em> and fat -<em>Tom</em> are after 'em with a vengeance; they'll sauce their -jackets for 'em, I'll warrant 'em.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">George</span> with a bloody face, and <span class="antiqua">Tom</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>So, have you catch'd 'em?</p> - -<p><em>Geo.</em> Catch'd 'em! the gallows catch 'em for me. I -had naw run half the length of our beam, before somewhat -fetch me such a wherry across the shins, that dawn -came I flop o' my face all along in the channel, and -thought I shou'd ne'er ha gotten up again; but <em>Tom</em> -has skawar'd after them, and cried murder as he'd been -stuck.</p> - -<p><em>Tom.</em> Yes, and straight upo' that, swap comes somewhat -across my forehead, with such a force, that dawn -came I like an ox.</p> - -<p>Squire <em>Humph.</em> So, the poor pye's quite gone then.</p> - -<p><em>Tom.</em> Gone, young measter, yeaten, I believe by this -time. These, I suppose, are what they call sharpers in -this country.</p> - -<p>Squire <em>Humph.</em> It was a rare good pye.</p> - -<p><em>Cook.</em> As e'er these hands put pepper to.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Pray, Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>, do they make a -practice of these things often here?</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> Madam, they'll twitch a rump of beef -out of a boiling copper: and for a silver tankard, they -make no more conscience of than if it were a <em>Tunbridge</em> -sugar box.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> I wish the coach and horses, <em>George</em>, were -safe got to the inn. Do you and <em>Roger</em> take special care -that nobody runs away with them, as you go thither.</p> - -<p><em>Geo.</em> I believe, Sir, our cattle won't yeasily be run -away with to-night; but wee'st take best care we con of -them, poor sauls!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Do so, pray now.</p> - -<p>Squire <em>Humph.</em> Feather, I had rather they had run -away with heavy <em>George</em> than the goose-pye; a slice of -it before supper to-night would have been pure.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> This boy is always thinking of his belly.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> But, my dear, you may allow him to be a -little hungry after a journey.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Pray, good Sir <em>Francis</em>, he has been constantly -eating in the coach, and out of the coach, above -seven hours this day. I wish my poor girl could eat a -quarter as much.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> Mama, I could eat a good deal more than -I do, but then I should grow fat mayhap, like him, and -spoil my shape.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Mrs. <em>Motherly</em> will you be so kind to tell -them where they shall carry the things.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> Madam I'll do the best I can: I doubt -our closets will scarce hold 'em all, but we have garrets -and cellars, which, with the help of hiring a store-room, -I hope may do. Sir, will you be so good to help my -maids a little in carrying away the things.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>To <span class="antiqua">Tom</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Tom.</em> With all my heart, forsooth, if I con but see my -way; but these whoresons have awmost knockt my eyen -awt.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>They carry off the things.</em></p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> Will your ladyship please to refresh yourself -with a dish of tea, after your fatigue? I think I have -pretty good.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> If you please, Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>.</p> - -<p>Squire <em>Humph.</em> Would not a good tankard of strong -beer, nutmeg and sugar, do better, feather, with a toast -and some cheese?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> I think it would, son: Here, <em>John Moody</em>, -get us a tankard of good heavy stuff presently.</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Sir, here's <em>Norfolk Nog</em> to be had next -door.</p> - -<p>Squire <em>Humph.</em> That's best of all, feather; but make -haste with it, <em>John</em>.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Moody</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Well, I wonder, Sir <em>Francis</em>, you will encourage -that lad to swill his guts thus with such beastly -lubberly liquor; if it were <em>Burgundy</em> or <em>Champain</em>, something -might be said for't; they'd perhaps give him -some wit and spirit; but such heavy, muddy stuff as -this, will make him quite stupid.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why you know, my dear, I have drank<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span> -good ale, and strong beer these thirty years, and by your -permission I don't know, that I want wit.</p> - -<p><em>Miss Betty.</em> But I think you might have more papa, if -you'd have been govern'd by my mother.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">John Moody</span> with a tankard.</em> -</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Daughter, he that is govern'd by his wife, -has no wit at all.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> Then I hope I shall marry a fool, father, -for I shall love to govern dearly.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Here, <em>Humphry</em>, here's to thee.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Drinks.</em></p> - -<p>You are too pert, child it don't do well in a young -woman.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Pray, Sir <em>Francis</em>, don't snub her; she -has a fine growing spirit, and if you check her so, you'll -make her as dull as her brother there.</p> - -<p>Squire <em>Humph.</em> Indeed Mother, I think my sister is -too forward.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>After drinking a long draught.</em></p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> You? you think I'm too forward? what -have you to do to think, brother Heavy? you are too fat -to think of any thing but your belly.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Well said, Miss; he's none of your -master, tho' he's your elder brother.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">George</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Geo.</em> Sir, I have no good opinion of this tawn, it's -made up of mischief, I think.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why, what's the matter now?</p> - -<p><em>Geo.</em> I'se tell your worship; before we were gotten to -the street-end, a great lugger-headed cart, with wheels -as thick as a good brick wall, layd hawld of the coach, -and has pood it aw to bits: an this be <em>London</em>, wo'd we -were all weel i' th' country again.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> What have you to do, Sir, to wish us all -in the country again, lubber? I hope we shan't go into -the country again these seven years, Mama, let twenty -coaches be pull'd to pieces.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Hold your tongue, <em>Betty</em>. Was <em>Roger</em> in no -fault of this?</p> - -<p><em>Geo.</em> No, Sir, nor I neither. Are you not asham'd,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span> -says <em>Roger</em> to the carter, to do such an unkind thing to -strangers? No, says he, you bumkin. Sir, he did the -thing on very purpose, and so the folks said that stood -by; but they said your worship need na be concerned, -for you might have a law-suit with him when you pleas'd, -that wou'd not cost you above a hundred pounds, and -mayhap you might get the better of him.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> I'll try what I can do with him, I'gad, I'll -make such——</p> - -<p>Squire <em>Humph.</em> Feather, have him before the parliament.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> And so I will: I'll make him know who I -am. Where does he live?</p> - -<p><em>Geo.</em> I believe in <em>London</em>, Sir.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> What's the villain's name?</p> - -<p><em>Geo.</em> I think I heard somebody call him <em>Dick</em>.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Where did he go?</p> - -<p><em>Geo.</em> Sir, he went home.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Where's that?</p> - -<p><em>Geo.</em> By my troth I do naw knaw. I heard him say -he had nothing more to do with us to-night, and so he'd -go home and smoke a pipe.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Come, Sir <em>Francis</em>, don't put yourself in -a heat; accidents will happen to people in travelling -abroad to see the world. Eat your supper heartily, go -to bed, sleep quietly, and to-morrow see if you can buy -a handsome second-hand coach for the present use, bespeak -a new one, and then all's easy.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Colonel <span class="antiqua">Courtly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Who's that, <em>Deborah</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Deb.</em> At your service, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> What, do you keep open house here? I found the -street door as wide as it could gape.</p> - -<p><em>Deb.</em> Sir, we are all in a bustle, we have lodgers come -to-night, the house full.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Where's your mistress?</p> - -<p><em>Deb.</em> Prodigious busy with her company, but I'll tell -Mrs. <em>Martilla</em> you are here, I believe she'll come to you.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> That will do as well. Poor <em>Martilla</em>! she's a -very good girl, and I have lov'd her a great while. I -think six months it is, since like a merciless highwayman, -I made her deliver all she had about her; she -begg'd hard, poor thing, I'd leave her one small bauble. -Had I let her keep it, I believe she had still kept me. -Cou'd women but refuse their ravenous lovers that one -dear destructive moment, how long might they reign -over them! But for a bane to both their joys and ours, -when they have indulg'd us with such favours as make -us adore them, they are not able to refuse us that one, -which puts an end to our devotion.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Martilla</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> <em>Martilla</em>, how dost thou do, my child?</p> - -<p><em>Mart.</em> As well as a losing gamester can.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Why, what have you lost?</p> - -<p><em>Mart.</em> I have lost you.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> How came you to lose me?</p> - -<p><em>Mart.</em> By losing myself.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> We can be friends still.</p> - -<p><em>Mart.</em> Dull ones.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Useful ones, perhaps. Shall I help thee to a good -husband?</p> - -<p><em>Mart.</em> Not if I were rich enough to live without one.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> I'm sorry I'm not rich enough to make thee so; -but we won't talk of melancholy things. Who are these -folks your aunt has got in her house?</p> - -<p><em>Mart.</em> One Sir <em>Francis Headpiece</em> and his Lady, with -a son and daughter.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> <em>Headpiece</em>! Cotso, I know 'em a little. I met -with 'em at a race in the country two years since; a sort -of blockhead, is not he?</p> - -<p><em>Mart.</em> So they say.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> His wife seem'd a mettlesome gentlewoman, if -she had but a fair field to range in.</p> - -<p><em>Mart.</em> That she won't want now, for they stay in -town the whole winter.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Oh that will do to shew all her parts in.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Motherly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>How do you do, my old acquaintance?</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> At your service, you know, always colonel.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> I hear you have got good company in the house.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> I hope it will prove so; he's a parliament -man only, colonel, you know there's some danger in -that.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> O, never fear, he'll pay his landlady, tho' he -don't pay his butcher.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> His wife's a clever woman.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> So she is.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> How do you know?</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> I have seen her in the country, and begin to think -I'll visit her in town.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> You begin to look like a rogue.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> What, your wicked fancies are stirring already?</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> Yours are, or I'm mistaken. But I'll -have none of your pranks play'd upon her.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Why, she's no girl, she can defend herself.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> But what if she won't?</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Why then she can blame neither you nor me.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> You'll never be quiet till you get my -windows broke; but I must go and attend my lodgers, so -good night.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Do so, and give my service to my lady, and tell -her, if she'll give me leave, I'll do myself the honour -to-morrow to come and tender my services to her, as long -as she stays in town. If it ben't too long.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> I'll tell her what a devil you are, and advise -her to take care of you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Do, that will make her every time she sees me -think what I'd be at. Dear <em>Martilla</em>, good night; I -know you won't be my hindrance; I'll do you as good a -turn some time or other. Well, I'm so glad, you don't -love me too much.</p> - -<p><em>Mart.</em> When that's our fate, as too, too oft we prove, -How bitterly we pay the past delights of love.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_II_SCENE_I4" id="ACT_II_SCENE_I4"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> II. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Lord</em> Loverule's <em>House</em>. -</p> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lord <span class="antiqua">Loverule</span>, and Lady <span class="antiqua">Arabella</span>. He -following her.</em> -</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">W</span>ell</span>, look you, my Lord, I can bear -it no longer; nothing still but about -my faults, my faults! an agreeable subject truly!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> But, Madam, if you won't hear of your -faults, how is it likely you shou'd ever mend 'em?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Why I don't intend to mend 'em. I can't -mend 'em, I have told you so an hundred times; you -know I have try'd to do it, over and over, and it hurts -me so, I can't bear it. Why, don't you know, my Lord, -that whenever (just to please you only) I have gone about -to wean myself from a fault (one of my faults I mean that -I love dearly) han't it put me so out of humour, you -cou'd scarce endure the house with me?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> Look you, my dear, it is very true, that -in weaning one's self from——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Weaning! why ay, don't you see, that even -in weaning poor children from the nurse, it's almost the -death of 'em? and don't you see your true religious people -when they go about to wean themselves, and have solemn -days of fasting and praying, on purpose to help -them, does it not so disorder them, there's no coming -near 'em? are they not as cross as the devil? and then -they don't do the business neither; for next day their -faults are just where they were the day before.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> But, Madam, can you think it a reasonable -thing to be abroad till two o'clock in the morning, when -you know I go to bed at eleven?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> And can you think it a wise thing (to talk -your own way now) to go to bed at eleven, when you -know I am likely to disturb you by coming there at -three?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> Well, the manner of womens living of -late is insupportable, and some way or other——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> It's to be mended, I suppose—Pray, my -Lord, one word of fair argument: You complain of my -late hours; I of your early ones; so far we are even, -you'll allow; but which gives us the best figure in the -eye of the polite world? my two o'clock speaks life, -activity, spirit, and vigour; your eleven has a dull, -drowsy, stupid, good-for-nothing sound with it. It favours -much of a mechanic, who must get to bed betimes, -that he may rise early to open his shop. Faugh!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> I thought to go to bed early and rise so, -was ever esteem'd a right practice for all people.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Beasts do it.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> Fy, fy, Madam, fy; but 'tis not your ill -hours alone disturb me; but the ill company who occasion -those ill hours.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> And pray what ill company may those be?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> Why, women that lose their money, and -men that win it: especially when 'tis to be paid out of -their husband's estate; or if that fail, and the creditor -be a little pressing, the lady will, perhaps, be oblig'd to -try if the gentleman instead of gold will accept of a -trinket.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> My Lord, you grow scurrilous, and you'll -make me hate you. I'll have you to know, I keep company -with the politest people in the town, and the assemblies -I frequent are full of such.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> So are the churches now and then.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> My friends frequent them often, as well as -the assemblies.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> They wou'd do it oftener if a groom of the -chamber there were allow'd to furnish cards and dice to -the company.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> You'd make a woman mad.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> You'd make a man a fool.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> If Heav'n has made you otherwise, that -won't be in my power.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> I'll try if I can prevent your making me a -beggar at least.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> A beggar! Crœsus! I'm out of patience—I -won't come home 'till four to-morrow morning.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> I'll order the doors to be lock'd at twelve.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Then I won't come home till to-morrow -night.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> Then you shall never come home again, -Madam.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> There he has knock'd me down: my father -upon our marriage said, wives were come to that -pass, he did not think it fit they shou'd be trusted with -pin money, and so would not let this man settle one -penny upon his poor wife, to serve her at a dead lift for -separate maintenance.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Clarinda</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Good-morrow, Madam; how do you do to-day? -you seem to be in a little fluster.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> My Lord has been in one, and as I am the -most complaisant poor creature in the world, I put myself -into one too, purely to be suitable company to him.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> You are prodigious good; but surely it must be -mighty agreeable when a man and his wife can give -themselves the same turn of conversation.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> O, the prettiest thing in the world.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> But yet, tho' I believe there's no life so happy -as a marry'd one, in the main; yet I fancy, where two -people are so very much together, they must often be in -want of something to talk upon.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> <em>Clarinda</em>, you are the most mistaken in the -world; married people have things to talk of, child, that -never enter into the imagination of others. Why now, -here's my Lord and I, we han't been married above two -short years you know, and we have already eight or ten -things constantly in bank, that whenever we want company -we can talk of any of them for two hours together, -and the subject never the flatter. It will be as fresh next -day, if we have occasion for it, as it was the first day it -entertained us.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Why that must be wonderful pretty.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> O there's no life like it. This very day -now for example, my Lord and I, after a pretty cheerful -<em>tête à tête</em> dinner, sat down by the fire-side, in an idle, -indolent, pick-tooth way for a while, as if we had not -thought of one another's being in the room. At last, -stretching himself, and yawning twice, my dear, says he, -you came home very late last night. 'Twas but two -in the morning, says I. I was in bed (<em>yawning</em>) by eleven, -says he. So you are every night, says I. Well, says he, -I'm amazed how you can sit up so late. How can you -be amazed, says I, at a thing that happens so often? -Upon which we enter'd into conversation. And tho' -this is a point has entertain'd us above fifty times already, -we always find so many pretty new things to say upon't, -that I believe in my soul it will last as long as we live.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> But in such sort of family dialogues, tho' extremely -well for passing of time, don't there now and -then enter some little sort of bitterness?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> O yes; which don't do amiss at all; a little -something that's sharp, moderates the extreme sweetness -of matrimonial society, which would else perhaps be -cloying. Tho' to tell you the truth, <em>Clarinda</em>, I think -we squeezed a little too much lemon into it this bout; -for it grew so sour at last, that I think I almost told him -he was a fool; and he talkt something oddly of turning -me out of doors.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> O, but have a care of that.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Why, to be serious, <em>Clarinda</em>, what wou'd -you have a woman do in my case? There is no one -thing he can do in the world to please me——Except -giving me money; and that he is grown weary of; and -I at the same time, partly by nature, and partly perhaps -by keeping the best company, do with my soul love -almost every thing that he hates; I dote upon assemblies, -adore masquerades, my heart bounds at a ball; I -love a play to distraction, cards inchant me, and dice—put -me out of my little wits—Dear, dear hazard, -what music there is in the rattle of the dice, com<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span>pared -to a sleepy opera! Do you ever play at hazard, -<em>Clarinda</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Never; I don't think it fits well upon women; -it's very masculine, and has too much of a rake; you see -how it makes the men swear and curse. Sure it must -incline the women to do the same too if they durst give -way to it.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> So it does; but hitherto for a little decency, -we keep it in; and when in spite of our teeth, an -oath gets into our mouths, we swallow it.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> That's enough to burst you; but in time perhaps -you'll let 'em fly as they do.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Why, 'tis probable we may, for the pleasure -of all polite womens lives now, you know, is -founded upon entire liberty to do what they will. But -shall I tell you what happened t'other night? having -lost all my money but ten melancholy guineas, and -throwing out for them, what do you think slipt from me?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> An oath?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Gud soons!</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> O Lord! O Lord! did not it frighten you out -of your wits?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> <em>Clarinda</em>, I thought a gun had gone off.—But -I forget you are a prude, and design to live soberly.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Why 'tis true; both my nature and education, -do in a good degree incline me that way.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Well, surely to be sober is to be terribly -dull. You will marry; won't you?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> I can't tell but I may.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> And you'll live in town?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Half the year, I should like it very well.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> And you wou'd live in <em>London</em> half a year, -to be sober in it?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Yes.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Why can't you as well go and be sober in -the country?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> So I wou'd the other half year.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> And pray what pretty scheme of life wou'd -you form now, for your summer and winter sober entertainments?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> A scheme that I think might very well content -us.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Let's hear it.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> I cou'd in summer pass my time very agreeably, -in riding soberly, in walking soberly, in sitting under a -tree soberly, in gardening soberly, in reading soberly, -in hearing a little music soberly, in conversing with some -agreeable friends soberly, in working soberly, in managing -my family and children (if I had any) soberly, and -possibly by these means I might induce my husband to be -as sober as myself.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Well, <em>Clarinda</em>, thou art a most contemptible -creature. But let's have the sober town scheme -too, for I am charm'd with the country one.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> You shall, and I'll try to stick to my sobriety -there too.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> If you do, you'll make me sick of you. But -let's hear it however.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> I wou'd entertain myself in observing the new -fashion soberly, I wou'd please myself in new clothes -soberly, I wou'd divert myself with agreeable friends at -home and abroad soberly. I wou'd play at quadrille -soberly, I wou'd go to court soberly, I wou'd go to some -plays soberly, I wou'd go to operas soberly, and I think -I cou'd go once, or, if I lik'd my company, twice to a -masquerade, soberly.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> If it had not been for that last piece of sobriety, -I was going to call for some surfeit-water.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Why, don't you think, that with the further aid -of breakfasting, dining, supping and sleeping (not to -say a word of devotion) the four and twenty hours might -roll over in a tolerable manner?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> How I detest that word, Tolerable! And -so will a country relation of ours that's newly come to -town, or I'm mistaken.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Who is that?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Even my dear Lady <em>Headpiece</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Is she come?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Yes, her sort of a tolerable husband has -gotten to be chosen parliament-man at some simple town<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span> -or other, upon which she has persuaded him to bring -her and her folks up to <em>London</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> That's good; I think she was never here before.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Not since she was nine years old; but she -has had an outrageous mind to it ever since she was -marry'd.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Then she'll make the most of it, I suppose, now -she is come.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Depend upon that.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> We must go and visit her.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> By all means; and may be you'll have a -mind to offer her your tolerable scheme for her <em>London</em> -diversion this winter; if you do, mistress, I'll shew her -mine too, and you'll see she'll so despise you and adore -me, that if I do but chirrup to her, she'll hop after me -like a tame sparrow, the town round. But there's your -admirer I see coming in, I'll oblige him and leave you -to receive part of his visit, while I step up to write a -letter. Besides, to tell you the truth, I don't like him -half so well as I used to do; he falls off of late from -being the company he was, in our way. In short, I think -he's growing to be a little like my lord.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Sir <span class="antiqua">Charles</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. Madam, your servant; they told me Lady -<em>Arabella</em> was here.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> She's only stept up to write a letter, she'll come -down presently.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. Why, does she write letters? I thought -she had never time for't: pray how may she have dispos'd -of the rest of the day?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> A good deal as usual; she has visits to make -'till six; she's then engag'd to the play, from that 'till -court-time, she's to be at cards at Mrs. <em>Idle</em>'s; after the -drawing-room, she takes a short supper with Lady -<em>Hazard</em>, and from thence they go together to the assembly.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. And are you to do all this with her?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> The visits and the play, no more.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. And how can you forbear all the rest?</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> 'Tis easy to forbear, what we are not very fond -of.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. I han't found it so. I have past much of -my life in this hurry of the ladies, yet was never so -pleas'd as when I was at quiet without 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> What then induc'd you to be with 'em?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. Idleness and the fashion.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> No mistresses in the case?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. To speak honestly, yes. When one is in -a toyshop, there was no forbearing the baubles; so I -was perpetually engaging with some coquet or other, -whom I cou'd love perhaps just enough to put it into her -power to plague me.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> Which power I suppose she sometimes made use -of.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. The amours of a coquet, Madam, general'y -mean nothing farther; I look upon them and -prudes to be nuisances much alike, tho' they seem very -different; the first are always disturbing the men, and -the latter always abusing the women.</p> - -<p><em>Clar.</em> And all I think is to establish the character of -being virtuous.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. That is, being chaste they mean, for they -know no other virtue; therefore indulge themselves in -every thing else that's vicious; they (against nature) -keep their chastity, only because they find more pleasure -in doing mischief with it, than they shou'd have in parting -with it. But, Madam, if both these characters are -so odious, how highly to be valued is that woman, who -can attain all they aim at, without the aid of the folly -or vice of either!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Arabella</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Your servant, Sir. I won't ask your pardon -for leaving you alone a little with a lady that I know -shares so much of your good opinion.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. I wish, Madam, she cou'd think my good -opinion of value enough, to afford me a small part in -hers.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> I believe, Sir, every woman who knows -she has a place in a fine gentleman's good opinion, will -be glad to give him one in hers, if she can. But however<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span> -you two may stand in one another's, you must take -another time, if you desire to talk farther about it, or we -shan't have enough to make our visits in; and so your -servant, Sir. Come, <em>Clarinda</em>.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. I'll stay and make my Lord a visit, if you -will give me leave.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> You have my leave, Sir, tho' you were a -Lady.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit with <span class="antiqua">Clar</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lord <span class="antiqua">Loverule</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> Sir <em>Charles</em>, your servant; what, have the -ladies left you?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. Yes, and the ladies in general I hope -will leave me too.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> Why so?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. That I mayn't be put to the ill manners -of leaving them first.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> Do you then already find your gallantry -inclining to an ebb?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. 'Tis not that I am yet old enough to justify -myself in an idle retreat, but I have got I think a -sort of surfeit on me, that lessens much the force of female -charms.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> Have you then been so glutted with their -favours?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. Not with their favours, but with their -service; it is unmerciful. I once thought myself a tolerable -time-killer; I drank, I play'd, I intrigu'd, and -yet I had hours enough for reasonable uses; but he that -will list himself a lady's man of mettle now, she'll work -him so at cards and dice, she won't afford him time -enough to play with her at any thing else, though she herself -should have a tolerable good mind to it.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> And so the disorderly lives they lead, -incline you to a reform of your own.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. 'Tis true; for bad examples (if they are -but bad enough) give us as useful reflections as good -ones do.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> 'Tis pity any thing that's bad, shou'd -come from women.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. 'Tis so, indeed, and there was a happy -time, when both you and I thought there never could.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> Our early first conceptions of them, I -well remember, were that they never could be vicious, nor -never could be old.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. We thought so then; the beauteous form -we saw them cast in, seem'd design'd a habitation for -no vice, nor no decay; all I had conceiv'd of angels, I -conceiv'd of them; true, tender, gentle, modest, generous, -constant, I thought was writ in every feature; and -in my devotions, Heaven, how did I adore thee, that -blessings like them should be the portion of such poor inferior -creatures as I took myself and all men else (compared -with them) to be!—but where's that adoration now?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> 'Tis with such fond young fools as you -and I were then.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. And with such it will ever be.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> Ever. The pleasure is so great, in believing -women to be what we wish them, that nothing -but a long and sharp experience can ever make us think -them otherwise. That experience, friend, both you and -I have had, but yours has been at other mens expence; -mine——at my own.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. Perhaps you'd wonder, shou'd you find me -dispos'd to run the risque of that experience too.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> I shou'd, indeed.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. And yet 'tis possible I may; I know at -least, I still have so much of my early folly left, to think, -there's yet one woman fit to make a wife of: How far -such a one can answer the charms of a mistress, marry'd -men are silent in, so pass——for that I'd take my chance; -but cou'd she make a home easy to her partner, by letting -him find there a chearful companion, an agreeable intimate, -a useful assistant, a faithful friend, and (in its -time perhaps) a tender mother, such change of life, -from what I lead, seems not unwise to think of.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> Nor unwise to purchase, if to be had for -millions, but——</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. But what?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> If the reverse of this shou'd chance to be -the bitter disappointment, what wou'd the life be then?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. A damn'd one.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> And what relief?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. A short one; leave it, and return to that -you left, if you can't find a better.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> He says right—that's the remedy, and a -just one——for if I sell my liberty for gold, and I am -foully paid in brass, shall I be held to keep the bargain?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em>.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. What are you thinking of?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> Of what you have said.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. And was it well said?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> I begin to think it might.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Charles</em>. Think on, 'twill give you ease——the -man who has courage enough to part with a wife need -not much dread the having one; and he that has not, -ought to tremble at being a husband——But perhaps I -have said too much; you'll pardon however the freedom -of an old friend, because you know I am so; so your -servant.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> <em>Charles</em>, farewell, I can take nothing as ill-meant -that comes from you. Nor ought my wife to -think I mean amiss to her; if I convince her I'll endure -no longer that she would thus expose herself and me. -No doubt 'twill grieve her sorely. Physick's a loathsome -thing, 'till we find it gives us health, and then we are -thankful to those who made us take it. Perhaps she may -do so by me, if she does, 'tis well; if not, and she resolves -to make the house ring with reprisals: I believe -(tho' the misfortune's great) he'll make a better figure -in the world, who keeps an ill wife out of doors, than he -that keeps her within.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_III_SCENE_I4" id="ACT_III_SCENE_I4"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> III. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Headpiece</span> and Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Motherly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">S</span>o</span>, you are acquainted with Lady <em>Arabella</em>, -I find.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> Oh, Madam, I have had the honour to -know her Ladyship almost from a child, and a charming -woman she has made.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> I like her prodigiously; I had some acquaintance -with her in the country two years ago; but -she's quite another woman here.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> Ah, Madam, two years keeping company -with the polite people of the town will do wonders -in the improvement of a lady, so she has it but about -her.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Now 'tis my misfortune, Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>, -to come late to school.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> Oh! don't be discourag'd at that, Madam, -the quickness of your ladyship's parts will easily -recover your loss of a little time.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> O! You flatter me! But I'll endeavour -by industry and application to make it up; such parts as -I have shall not lie idle. My Lady <em>Arabella</em> has been -so good to offer me already her introduction, to those assemblies, -where a woman may soonest learn to make -herself valuable to every body.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> But her husband. [<em>Aside.</em>] Her Ladyship, -Madam, can indeed, better than any body, introduce -you, where every thing that accomplishes a fine lady, -is practised to the last perfection; Madam, she herself is -at the very tip-top of it——'tis pity, poor lady, she -shou'd meet with any discouragements.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Discouragements! from whence pray?</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> From home sometimes——my Lord a—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> What does he do?</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> But one should not talk of people of qualities -family-concerns.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> O, no matter, Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>, as long as -it goes no farther. My Lord, you were saying——</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> Why, my Lord, Madam, is a little humoursome, -they say.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Humoursome?</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> Yes, they say he's humoursome.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> As how, pray?</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> Why, if my poor lady perhaps does but -stay out at night, may be four or five hours after he's -in bed, he'll be cross.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> What, for such a thing as that?</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> Yes, he'll be cross; and then if she happens, -it may be, to be unfortunate at play, and lose a -great deal of money, more than she has to pay, then -Madam——he'll snub.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Out upon him! snub such a woman as -she is? I can tell you, Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>, I that am but a -country lady, should Sir <em>Francis</em> take upon him to snub -me, in <em>London</em>, he'd raise a spirit would make his hair -stand on end.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> Really, Madam, that's the only way to -deal with 'em.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Miss <span class="antiqua">Betty</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>And here comes pretty Miss <em>Betty</em>, that I believe -will never be made a fool of, when she's married.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> No by my troth won't I. What are you -talking of my being married, mother?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> No, Miss; Mrs. <em>Motherly</em> was only saying -what a good wife you wou'd make, when you were -so.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> The sooner it is try'd, mother, the -sooner it will be known. Lord, here's the colonel, -Madam!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Colonel</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Colonel, your servant.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> Your servant, colonel.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Ladies, your most obedient——I hope, Madam, -the town air agrees with you?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Mighty well, Sir.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> Oh prodigious well, Sir. We have bought a -new coach and an ocean of new clothes, and we -are to go to the play to-night, and to-morrow we go to -the opera, and next night we go to the assembly, and -then the next night after, we——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Softly, Miss——Do you go to the play -to-night, colonel?</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> I did not design it, Madam; but now I find there -is to be such good company, I'll do myself the honour -(if you'll give me leave, ladies) to come and lead you to -your coach.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> It's extremely obliging.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty</em>. It is indeed mighty well-bred. Lord! -colonel, what a difference there is between your way -and our country companions; one of them would have -said, what, you are aw gooing to the playhouse then? -Yes, says we, won't you come and lead us out? No, by -good feggins, says he, ye ma' e'en ta' care o' yoursells, -y'are awd enough; and so he'd ha' gone to get drunk at -the tavern against we came home to supper.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> Ha, ha, ha! well, sure Madam, your -Ladyship is the happiest mother in the world to have -such a charming companion to your daughter.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> The prettiest creature upon earth!</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> D'ye hear that, mother? Well, he's a -fine gentleman really, and I think a man of admirable -sense.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Softly, Miss, he'll hear you.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> If he does, Madam, he'll think I say true, -and he'll like me never the worse for that, I hope. -Where's your niece <em>Martilla</em>, Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>? Mama, -won't you carry <em>Martilla</em> to the play with us?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> With all my heart, child.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> She's a very pretty civil sort of woman, Madam, -and miss will be very happy in having such a companion -in the house with her.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> So I shall indeed, Sir, and I love her -dearly already, we are growing very great together.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> But what's become of your brother, child? -I han't seen him these two hours, where is he?</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> Indeed, mother, I don't know where he -is; I saw him asleep about half an hour ago by the -kitchen fire.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Must not he go to the play too?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head</em>. Yes, I think he shou'd go, tho' he'll be -weary on't, before it's half done.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> Weary? yes; and then he'll sit, and -yawn, and stretch like a grayhound by the fire-side, -'till he does some nasty thing or other, that they'll turn -him out of the house, so it's better to leave him at -home.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> O, that were pity, Miss. Plays will enliven -him——see, here he comes, and my niece with him.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Squire <span class="antiqua">Humphry</span> and <span class="antiqua">Martilla</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Your servant, Sir; you come in good time, the -ladies are all going to the play, and wanted you to help -to gallant them.</p> - -<p>Squire <em>Humph.</em> And so 'twill be nine o'clock, before -one shall get any supper.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> Supper! why your dinner is not out of -your mouth yet, at least 'tis all about the brims of it. -See how greasy his chops is, mother.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Nay, if he han't a mind to go, he need -not. You may stay here 'till your father comes home -from the parliament-house, and then you may eat a -broil'd bone together.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> Yes, and drink a tankard of strong beer -together; and then he may tell you all he has been doing -in the parliament-house, and you may tell him all -you have been thinking of when you were asleep, in -the kitchen: and then if you'll put it all down in writ<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span>ing, -when we come from the play, I'll read it to the -company.</p> - -<p>Squire <em>Humph.</em> Sister, I don't like your joaking, and -you are not a well-behav'd young woman; and altho' -my mother encourages you, my thoughts are, you are -not too big to be whipt.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> How, sirrah?</p> - -<p>Squire <em>Humph.</em> There's a civil young gentlewoman -stands there, is worth a hundred of you. And I believe -she'll be married before you.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> Cots my life, I have a good mind to pull -your eyes out.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Hold, Miss, hold, don't be in such a passion, -neither.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> Mama, it is not that I am angry at any -thing he says to commend <em>Martilla</em>, for I wish she were -to be marry'd to-morrow, that I might have a dance at -her wedding; but what need he abuse me for? I wish -the lout had mettle enough to be in love with her, she'd -make pure sport with him. [<em>Aside.</em>] Does your Heaviness -find any inclinations moving towards the lady you admire——Speak! -are you in love with her?</p> - -<p>Squire <em>Humph.</em> I am in love with nobody; and if any -body be in love with me, mayhap they had as good be -quiet.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> Hold your tongue, I'm quite sick of you. -Come, <em>Martilla</em>, you are to go to the play with us.</p> - -<p><em>Mart.</em> Am I, Miss? I am ready to wait upon you.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> I believe it's time we should be going; -Colonel, is not it?</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Yes, Madam, I believe it is.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Come, then; who is there?</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p>Is the coach at the door?</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> It has been there this hafe haur, so please your -Ladyship.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> And are all the people in the street gazing -at it, <em>Tom</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> That are they, Madam; and <em>Roger</em> has drank<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span> -so much of his own beveridge, that he's even as it were -gotten a little drunk.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Not so drunk, I hope, but that he can -drive us?</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Yes, yes, Madam, he drives best when he's a -little upish. When <em>Roger</em>'s head turns, raund go the -wheels, i'faith.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> Never fear, Mama, as long as it's to the -playhouse, there's no danger.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Well, daughter, since you are so courageous, -it shan't be said I make any difficulty; and if the -Colonel is so gallant, to have a mind to share our danger, -we have room for him, if he pleases.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Madam, you do me a great deal of honour, and -I'm sure you give me a great deal of pleasure.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> Come, dear Mama, away we go.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt all but <span class="antiqua">Squire</span>, <span class="antiqua">Martilla</span>, and Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Motherly</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Squire <em>Humph.</em> I did not think you would have gone.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>To <span class="antiqua">Martilla</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Mart.</em> O, I love a play dearly.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> I wonder, Squire, that you wou'd not go -to the play with 'em.</p> - -<p>Squire <em>Humph.</em> What needed <em>Martilla</em> have gone? -they were enough without her.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> O, she was glad to go to divert herself; -and besides, my Lady desired her to go with them.</p> - -<p>Squire <em>Humph.</em> And so I am left alone.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> Why, wou'd you have car'd for her company?</p> - -<p>Squire <em>Humph.</em> Rather than none.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> On my conscience he's ready to cry; this -is matter to think of: but here comes Sir <em>Francis</em>.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Sir <span class="antiqua">Francis</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>How do you do, Sir? I'm afraid these late parliament -hours won't agree with you.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Indeed, I like them not, Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>; -if they wou'd dine at twelve o'clock, as we do in the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span> -country, a man might be able to drink a reasonable -bottle between that and supper-time.</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> That wou'd be much better indeed, Sir -<em>Francis</em>.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> But then when we consider that what we -undergo, is in being busy for the good of our country,——O, -the good of our country is above all things; -what a noble and glorious thing it is, Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>, -that <em>England</em> can boast of five hundred zealous gentlemen, -all in one room, all of one mind, upon a fair occasion, -to go altogether by the ears for the good of their country!—--<em>Humphry</em>, -perhaps you'll be a senator in time, -as your father is now; and when you are, remember your -country; spare nothing for the good of your country! -and when you come home, at the end of the sessions, you -will find yourself so adored, that your country will come -and dine with you every day in the week. O, here's my -uncle <em>Richard</em>.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Uncle <span class="antiqua">Richard</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Mrs. <em>Moth.</em> I think, Sir, I had better get you a mouthful -of something to stay your stomach 'till supper.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> With all my heart, for I'm almost famish'd.</p> - -<p>Squire <em>Humph.</em> And so shall I before my mother -comes from the playhouse, so I'll go and get a butter'd -toast.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Uncle, I hope you are well.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Nephew, if I had been sick I wou'd not -have come abroad; I suppose you are well, for I sent -this morning, and was inform'd you went out early; -was it to make your court to some of the great men?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Yes, uncle, I was advised to lose no time, -so I went to one great man, whom I had never seen -before.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> And who had you got to introduce you?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Nobody; I remember'd I had heard a -wise man say, My son, be bold; so I introduced myself.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> As how, I pray?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why thus, uncle; please your Lordship, -says I, I am Sir <em>Francis Headpiece</em> of <em>Headpiece-Hall</em>, and -member of parliament for the ancient borough of <em>Gobble-Guiney</em>. -Sir, your humble servant, says my Lord, -tho' I have not the honour to know your person, I have -heard you are a very honest gentleman, and I am very -glad your borough has made choice of so worthy a representative; -have you any service to command me? -Those last words, uncle, gave me great encouragement: -And tho' I know you have not any very great opinion of -my parts, I believe you won't say I mist it now.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> I hope I shall have no cause.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> My Lord, says I, I did not design to say any -thing to your Lordship to-day about business; but since -your Lordship is so kind and free, as to bid me speak if -I have any service to command you, I will.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> So.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> I have, says I, my Lord, a good estate, but -it's a little out at elbows: and as I desire to serve my -king as well as my country, I shall be very willing to -accept of a place at court.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> This was bold indeed.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> I'cod, I shot him flying, uncle; another -man would have been a month before he durst have -open'd his mouth about a place. But you shall hear. -Sir <em>Francis</em>, says my Lord, what sort of a place may -you have turn'd your thoughts upon? My Lord, says I, -beggars must not be choosers; but some place about a -thousand a year, I believe, might do pretty weel to -begin with. Sir <em>Francis</em>, says he, I shall be glad to -serve you in any thing I can; and in saying these -words he gave me a squeeze by the hand, as much as to -say, I'll do your business. And so he turn'd to a -Lord that was there, who look'd as if he came for a -place too.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> And so your fortune's made.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Don't you think so, uncle?</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Yes, for just so mine was made——twenty -years ago.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span> -Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why, I never knew you had a place, -uncle.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Nor I neither upon my faith, nephew: -but you have been down at the house since you made -your court, have not you?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> O yes; I would not neglect the house for -ever so much.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> And what might they have done there to-day, -I pray?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why truly, uncle, I cannot well tell what -they did. But I'll tell you what I did: I happen'd to -make a little sort of a mistake.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> How was that?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why you must know, uncle, they were all -got into a sort of a hodge-podge argument for the good -of the nation, which I did not well understand; however -I was convinced, and so resolved to vote aright -according to my conscience; but they made such a -puzzling business on't, when they put the question, as -they call it, that, I believe, I cry'd Ay, when I should -have cry'd No; for a sort of a <em>Jacobite</em> that sat next me, -took me by the hand, and said, Sir, you are a man of -honour, and a true <em>Englishman</em>, and I shou'd be glad to -be better acquainted with you, and so he pull'd me -along with the croud into the lobby with him, when I -believe I should have staid where I was.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> And so, if you had not quite made your -fortune before, you have clench'd it now. Ah, thou -head of the <em>Headpieces</em>! [<em>Aside.</em>] How now, what's the -matter here?</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Headpiece</span>, &c. in disorder, some dirty, some -lame, some bloody.</em> -</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Mercy on us! they are all kill'd.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty</em>. Not for a thousand pounds; but we have -been all down in the dirt together.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> We have had a sad piece of work on't, -Sir <em>Francis</em>, overturn'd in the channel, as we were going -to the playhouse.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> Over and over, papa; had it been com<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span>ing -from the playhouse, I shou'd not have car'd a farthing.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> But, child, you are hurt, your face is all -bloody.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> O, Sir, my new gown is all dirty.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> The new coach is all spoil'd.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> The glasses are all to bits.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> <em>Roger</em> has put out his arm.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> Would he had put out his neck, for making -us lose the play.</p> - -<p>Squire <em>Humph.</em> Poor <em>Martilla</em> has scratch'd her little -finger.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> And here's the poor Colonel; nobody -asks what he has done. I hope, Sir, you have got no -harm?</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Only a little wounded with some pins I met with -about your Ladyship.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> I am sorry any thing about me should do -you harm.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> If it does, Madam, you have that about you, if -you please, will be my cure. I hope your Ladyship feels -nothing amiss?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Nothing at all, tho' we did roll about together -strangely.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> We did, indeed. I'm sure we roll'd so, that -my poor hands were got once——I don't know -where they were got. But her Ladyship I see will pass -by slips.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> It wou'd have been pity the colonel shou'd -have receiv'd any damage in his services to the Ladies; -he is the most complaisant man to e'm, uncle; always -ready when they have occasion for him.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Then I believe, nephew, they'll never let -him want business.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> O, but they shou'd not ride the free horse -to death neither. Come, colonel, you'll stay and drink -a bottle, and eat a little supper with us, after your misfortune?</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Sir, since I have been prevented from attending<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span> -the ladies to the play, I shall be very proud to obey -their commands here at home.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> A prodigious civil gentleman, uncle; and -yet as bold as <em>Alexander</em> upon occasion.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Upon a lady's occasion.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ha, ha, you're a wag, uncle; but I believe -he'd storm any thing.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Then I believe your citadel may be in -danger.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Uncle, won't you break your rule for once, -and sup from home?</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> The company will excuse me, nephew, -they'll be freer without me; so good night to them and -you.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Good night to you, Sir, since you won't -stay: Come, colonel.</p> - -<p>Unc. <em>Rich.</em> Methinks this facetious colonel is got -upon a pretty, familiar, easy foot already with the family -of the <em>Headpieces</em>—hum.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em> <em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Come, my Lady, let's all in, and pass the -evening chearfully. And, d'ye hear, wife——a word in -your ear——I have got a promise of a place in court, -of a thousand a year, he, hem.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_IV_SCENE_I4" id="ACT_IV_SCENE_I4"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> IV. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Arabella</span>, as just up, walking pensively to her -Toilet, follow'd by Trusty.</em> -</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">W</span>ell</span>, sure never woman had such -luck—these devilish dice!—--Sit -up all night; lose all one's money, and then——how -like a hag I look. [<em>Sits at her toilet, turning her purse -inside out.</em>] Not a guinea——worth less by a hundred -pounds than I was by one o'clock this morning——and -then——I was worth nothing——what is to be done, -<em>Trusty</em>!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Trus.</em> I wish I were wise enough to tell you, Madam; -but if there comes in any good company to breakfast -with your Ladyship, perhaps you may have a run of -better fortune.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> But I han't a guinea to try my fortune——let -me see——who was that impertinent man, that -was so saucy last week about money, that I was forc'd to -promise once more, he shou'd have what I ow'd him, -this morning?</p> - -<p><em>Trus.</em> O, I remember, Madam; it was your old mercer -<em>Short-yard</em>, that you turn'd off a year ago, because he -would trust you no longer.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> That's true; and I think I bid the steward -keep the thirty guineas out of some money he was -paying me to stop his odious mouth.</p> - -<p><em>Trus.</em> Your Ladyship did so.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Pr'ythee, <em>Trusty</em>, run and see whether the -wretch has got the money yet; if not, tell the steward, -I have occasion for it myself; run quickly.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Trusty</span> runs to the door</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Trus.</em> Ah, Madam, he's just paying it away now, in -the hall.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Stop him! quick, quick, dear <em>Trusty</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Trus.</em> Hem, hem, Mr. <em>Money-bag</em>, a word with you -quickly.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> [<em>Within.</em>] I'll come presently.</p> - -<p><em>Trus.</em> Presently won't do, you must come this moment.</p> - -<p><em>Mon.</em> I'm but just paying a little money.</p> - -<p><em>Trus.</em> Cods my life, paying money, is the man distracted? -Come here, I tell you, to my Lady this moment, -quick.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Money-bag</span> comes to the door with a purse in's hand.</em></p> - -<p>My Lady says you must not pay the money to-day, -there's a mistake in the account, which she must examine; -and she's afraid too there was a false guinea or -two left in the purse, which might disgrace her. [<em>Twitches -the purse from him.</em>] But she's too busy to look for 'em -just now, so you must bid Mr. What-d'ye-call-'em come -another time. There they are, Madam. [<em>Gives her the -money.</em>] The poor things were so near gone, they made<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span> -me tremble; I fancy your Ladyship will give me one of -those false guineas for good luck. [<em>Takes a guinea.</em>] Thank -you, Madam.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Why, I did not bid you take it.</p> - -<p><em>Trus.</em> No, but your Ladyship look'd as if you were -just going to bid me; so I took it to save your Ladyship -the trouble of speaking.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Well, for once——but hark——I think I -hear the man making a noise yonder.</p> - -<p><em>Trus.</em> Nay, I don't expect he'll go out of the house -quietly. I'll listen.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Goes to the door.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Do.</p> - -<p><em>Trus.</em> He's in a bitter passion with poor <em>Money-bag</em>; I -believe he'll beat him——Lord, how he swears!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> And a sober citizen too! that's a shame.</p> - -<p><em>Trus.</em> He says he will speak with you, Madam, tho' -the devil held your door——Lord! he's coming hither -full drive, but I'll lock him out.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> No matter, let him come; I'll reason with -him.</p> - -<p><em>Trus.</em> But he's a saucy fellow for all that.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Short-yard</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>What wou'd you have, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Short.</em> I wou'd have my due, Mistress.</p> - -<p><em>Trus.</em> That wou'd be——to be well cudgel'd, Master, -for coming so familiarly, where you shou'd not come.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Do you think you do well, Sir, to intrude -into my dressing-room?</p> - -<p><em>Short.</em> Madam, I sold my goods to you in your dressing -room, I don't know why I mayn't ask for my money -there.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> You are very short, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Short.</em> Your Ladyship won't complain of my patience -being so?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> I complain of nothing that ought not to be -complained of; but I hate ill manners.</p> - -<p><em>Short.</em> So do I, Madam,—but this is the seventeenth<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span> -time I have been ordered to come with good-manners for -my money, to no purpose.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Your money, man! Is that the matter? -Why it has lain in the steward's hands this week for -you.</p> - -<p><em>Short.</em> Madam, you yourself appointed me to come this -very morning for it.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> But why did you come so late then?</p> - -<p><em>Short.</em> So late! I came soon enough, I thought.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> That thinking wrong, makes us liable to -a world of disappointments: If you had thought of coming -one minute sooner, you had had your money.</p> - -<p><em>Short.</em> Gad bless me, Madam, I had the money as -I thought, I'm sure it was telling out, and I was writing -a receipt for't.</p> - -<p><em>Trus.</em> Why there you thought wrong again, Master.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Yes, for you shou'd never think of writing -a receipt till the money is in your pocket.</p> - -<p><em>Short.</em> Why, I did think 'twas in my pocket.</p> - -<p><em>Trus.</em> Look you, thinking again. Indeed, Mr. <em>Short-yard</em>, -you make so many blunders, 'tis impossible but -you must suffer by it, in your way of trade. I'm sorry -for you, and you'll be undone.</p> - -<p><em>Short.</em> And well I may, when I sell my goods to people -that won't pay me for 'em, till the interest of my -money eats out all my profit: I sold them so cheap, -because I thought I shou'd be paid the next day.</p> - -<p><em>Trus.</em> Why, there again! there's another of your -thoughts; paid the next day, and you han't been paid -this twelvemonth you see.</p> - -<p><em>Short.</em> Oons, I han't been paid at all, Mistress.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Well, tradesmen are strange unreasonable -creatures, refuse to sell people any more things, and then -quarrel with 'em because they don't pay for those they -have had already. Now what can you say to that, Mr. -<em>Short-yard</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Short.</em> Say! Why—'Sdeath, Madam, I don't know -what you talk of, I don't understand your argument.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Why, what do you understand, man?</p> - -<p><em>Short.</em> Why, I understand that I have had above a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span> -hundred pounds due to me a year ago; that I came, by -appointment, just now to receive it: that it proved at -last to be but thirty instead of a hundred and ten; and -that while the steward was telling even that out, and I -was writing the receipt, comes Mrs. <em>Pop</em> here, and the -money was gone. But I'll be banter'd no longer if there's -law in <em>England</em>. Say no more, <em>Short-yard</em>.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p><em>Trus.</em> What a passion the poor devil's in!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Why truly one can't deny but he has some -present cause to be a little in ill-humour, but when one has -things of greater consequence on foot, one can't trouble -one's self about making such creatures easy; so call for -breakfast, <em>Trusty</em>, and set the hazard-table ready; if -there comes no company I'll play a little by myself.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lord <span class="antiqua">Loverule</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> Pray what offence, Madam, have you -given to a man I met with just as I came in?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> People who are apt to take offence, do it -for small matters, you know.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> I shall be glad to find this so; but he says -you have owed him above a hundred pounds this twelvemonth; -that he has been here forty times by appointment -for it, to no purpose; and that coming here this -morning upon positive assurance from yourself, he was -trick'd out of the money, while he was writing a receipt -for it, and sent away without a farthing.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Lord, how these shopkeepers will lye!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> What then is the business? for some -ground the man must have to be in such a passion.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> I believe you'll rather wonder to see me -so calm, when I tell you he had the insolence to intrude -into my very dressing-room here, with a story without a -head or tail; you know, <em>Trusty</em>, we cou'd not understand -one word he said, but when he swore——Good Lord! -how the wretch did swear!</p> - -<p><em>Trus.</em> I never heard the like for my part.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> And all this for nothing?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> So it proved, my Lord, for he got nothing -by it.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> His swearing I suppose was for his money, -Madam. Who can blame him?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> If he swore for money he should be put in -the pillory.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> Madam, I won't be banter'd, nor sued by -this man for your extravagancies: do you owe him the -money or not?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> He says I do, but such fellows will say -any thing.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> Provoking! [<em>Aside.</em>] Did not I desire an -account from you of all your debts, but six months -since, and give you money to clear them?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> My Lord, you can't imagine how accounts -make my head ake.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> That won't do. The steward gave you -two hundred pounds besides, but last week; where's -that?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Gone!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> Gone! where?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Half the town over, I believe, by this time.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> Madam, Madam, this can be endured no -longer, and before a month passes expect to find me—</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Hist, my Lord, here's company.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Captain <span class="antiqua">Toupee</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Captain <em>Toupee</em>, your servant: What, nobody with you? -do you come quite alone?</p> - -<p><em>Capt.</em> 'Slife, I thought to find company enough here. -My Lord, your servant. What a deuce, you look as if -you had been up all night. I'm sure I was in bed but -three hours; I wou'd you'd give me some coffee.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Some coffee there; tea too, and chocolate.</p> - -<p><em>Capt.</em> [<em>Singing a minuet and dancing.</em>] Well, what a -strange fellow am I to be thus brisk, after losing all my -money last night——but upon my soul you look sadly.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> No matter for that, if you'll let me win a -little of your money this morning.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Capt.</em> What with that face? Go, go wash it, go wash -it, and put on some handsome things; you look'd a good -likely woman last night; I would not much have cared -if you had run five hundred pounds in my debt; but if -I play with you this morning, I'gad I'd advise you to -win; for I won't take your personal security at present -for a guinea.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Love.</em> To what a nauseous freedom do women of -quality of late admit these trifling fops! and there's a -morning exercise will give 'em claim to greater freedoms -still. [<em>Points to the hazard-table.</em>] Some course must be -taken.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p><em>Capt.</em> What, is my Lord gone? he look'd methought -as if he did not delight much in my company. Well, -peace and plenty attend him for your Ladyship's sake, -and those——who have now and then the honour to win -a hundred pounds of you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Goes to the table singing, and throws.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> [<em>Twitching the box from him.</em>] What, do you -intend to win all the money upon the table——Seven's -the main—Set me a million, <em>Toupee</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Capt.</em> I set you two, my queen—Six to seven.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Ara.</em> Six——the world's my own.</p> - -<p><em>Both.</em> Ha, ha, ha!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> O that my Lord had spirit enough about -him to let me play for a thousand pound a-night——But -here comes country company——</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Headpiece</span>, Miss <span class="antiqua">Betty</span>, Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Motherly</span>, and -Colonel <span class="antiqua">Courtly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Your servant, Madam, good-morrow to you.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> And to you, Madam. We are come to -breakfast with you. Lord, are you got to those pretty -things already?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Points to the dice.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> You see we are not such idle folks in town -as you country ladies take us to be; we are no sooner out -of our beds, but we are at our work.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> Will dear Lady Arabella give us leave, -mother, to do a stitch or two with her?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Takes the box and throws.</em></p> - -<p><em>Capt.</em> The pretty lively thing!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> With all her heart; what says her mama?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> She says she don't love to sit with her -hands before her, when other people's are employed.</p> - -<p><em>Capt.</em> And this is the prettiest little sociable work, -men and women can all do together at it.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Colonel, you are one with us, are you not?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> O, I'll answer for him, he'll be out at -nothing.</p> - -<p><em>Capt.</em> In a facetious way; he is the politest person; he -will lose his money to the ladies so civilly, and will win -theirs with so much good breeding; and he will be so -modest to 'em before company, and so impudent to 'em in -a dark corner. Ha! colonel!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> So I found him, I'm sure, last night——Mercy -on me, an ounce of virtue less than I had, and -Sir <em>Francis</em> had been undone.</p> - -<p><em>Capt.</em> Colonel, I smoke you.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> And a fine character you give the ladies of me, -to help me.</p> - -<p><em>Capt.</em> I give 'em just the character of you they like, -modest and brave. Come, ladies, to business; look to -your money, every woman her hand upon her purse.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> Here's mine, captain.</p> - -<p><em>Capt.</em> O the little soft velvet one—and it's as full—Come, -Lady Blowse, rattle your dice and away with 'em.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Six——at all——five to six——Five——Eight——at -all again——Nine to eight——Nine——</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Sir <span class="antiqua">Francis</span>, and stands gazing at 'em.</em> -</p> - -<p>Seven's the main——at all for ever.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Throws out.</em></p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> Now, mama, let's see what you can do.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Lady <span class="antiqua">Headpiece</span> takes the box.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Well, I'll warrant you, daughter——</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> If you do, I'll follow a good example.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> Eight's the main——don't spare me, gentlemen, -I fear you not——have at you all——seven to -eight——seven.</p> - -<p><em>Capt.</em> Eight, Lady, eight——Five pounds if you -please.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Ara.</em> Three, kinswoman.</p> - -<p><em>Col.</em> Two, Madam.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> And one for Miss, Mama——and now -let's see what I can do. [<em>Aside.</em>] If I should win enough -this morning to buy me another new gown—O bless me! -there they go——seven——come, captain, set me boldly, -I want to be at a handful.</p> - -<p><em>Capt.</em> There's two for you, miss.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> I'll at 'em, tho' I die for't.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ah, my poor child, take care.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Runs to stop the throw.</em></p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> There.</p> - -<p><em>Capt.</em> Out—twenty pound], young lady.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> False dice, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Capt.</em> False dice, Sir? I scorn your words——twenty -pounds, Madam.</p> - -<p>Miss <em>Betty.</em> Undone, undone!</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> She shan't pay you a farthing, Sir; I won't -have miss cheated.</p> - -<p><em>Capt.</em> Cheated, Sir?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> What do you mean, Sir <em>Francis</em>, to disturb -the company, and abuse the gentleman thus?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> I mean to be in a passion.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Head.</em> And why will you be in a passion, Sir -<em>Francis</em>?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Because I came here to breakfast with my -Lady there, before I went down to the house, expecting -to find my family set round a civil table with her, -upon some plumb-cake, hot rolls, and a cup of strong -beer; instead of which, I find these good women staying -their stomachs with a box and dice, and that man -there, with a strange perriwig, making a good hearty -meal upon my wife and daughter.——</p> - -<p class="center"><em>Cætera desunt.</em></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a><br /><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/illus-225.jpg" width="700" height="37" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h2><a name="THE5" id="THE5">THE</a><br /> - -<span class="smcap">Provok'd Husband</span>;<br /> - -OR, A<br /> - -<span class="smcap">Journey</span> to <span class="smcap">London</span>.<br /> - -A<br /> - -COMEDY.</h2> - - -<p class="directcenter">Written by</p> - -<p class="directcenter">Sir <span class="smcap">John Vanbrugh</span>, and Mr. <span class="smcap">Cibber</span>.</p> - -<p class="directcenter">----<em>Vivit Tanquam Vicina Mariti</em>. Juv. Sat. VI. -</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/illus-225.jpg" width="700" height="37" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a><br /><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="TO_THE" id="TO_THE">TO THE</a><br /> - -QUEEN.</h3> - - -<p> -<em>May it please your Majesty</em>,<br /> -</p> - -<p class="drop-capw"><span class="smcap">The</span> <em>English</em> <span class="smcap">Theatre</span> throws itself -with this Play, at Your MAJESTY's -Feet, for Favour and Support.</p> - -<p>As their Public Diversions are a strong -Indication of the Genius of a People; the -following Scenes are an Attempt to Establish<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span> -such as are fit to entertain the Minds of a sensible -Nation; and to wipe off that Aspersion -of Barbarity, which the <em>Virtuosi</em> among our -Neighbours have sometimes thrown upon our -Taste.</p> - -<p>The <em>Provok'd Husband</em>, is, at least, an Instance, -that any <em>English</em> Comedy may, to an -unusual number of Days, bring many Thousands -of His Majesty's good Subjects together, -to their Emolument and Delight, with -Innocence. And however little Share of that -Merit my unequal Pen may pretend to, yet -I hope the just Admirers of Sir <em>John Vanbrugh</em> -will allow I have, at worst, been a careful -Guardian of his Orphan Muse, by leading it -into Your Majesty's Royal Protection.</p> - -<p>The Design of this Play being chiefly to -expose, and reform the licentious Irregularities -that, too often, break in upon the -Peace and Happiness of the Married State; -Where could so hazardous and unpopular an -undertaking be secure, but in the Protection -of a <span class="smcap">Princess</span>, whose exemplary Conjugal -Virtues have given such illustrious Proof of -what sublime Felicity that holy State is -capable?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span></p> - -<p>And though a Crown is no certain Title -to Content; yet to the Honour of that Institution -be it said, the Royal Harmony of -Hearts that now inchants us from the Throne, -is a Reproach to the frequent Disquiet of -those many insensible Subjects about it, who -(from his Majesty's paternal Care of his -People) have more Leisure to be happy: And -'tis our <span class="smcap">Queen's</span> peculiar Glory, that we -often see Her as eminently rais'd above -her Circle, in private Happiness, as in -Dignity.</p> - -<p>Yet Heaven, <span class="smcap">Madam</span>, that has placed -you on such Height, to be the more conspicuous -Pattern of your Sex, had still left -your Happiness imperfect, had it not given -those inestimable Treasures of your Mind, -and Person, to the only Prince on Earth -that could have deserved them: A Crown -received from Any, but the Happy Monarch's -Hand, who invested you with This, -which You now adorn, had only seemed the -Work of <em>Fortune</em>: But <em>Thus</em> bestow'd, the -World acknowledges it the due Reward of -<span class="smcap">Providence</span>, for One You once so gloriously -Refused.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span></p> - -<p>But as the Fame of such elevated Virtue -has lifted the Plain Addresses of a whole -Nation into Eloquence, the best repeated -Eulogiums on that Theme are but Intrusions -on your Majesty's greater Pleasure of -secretly deserving them. I therefore beg leave, -to subscribe myself,</p> - -<p class="directcenter">May it please Your <span class="smcap">Majesty</span>,</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Your Majesty's most Devoted</em>, -</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright"><em>Most Obedient, and<br /> - -Most Humble Servant</em>,</p> - -<p class="directright"><span class="smcap">Colley Cibber</span>.</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="TO_THE5" id="TO_THE5">TO THE</a><br /> - -READER.</h3> - - -<p class="drop-capw"><span class="smcap">Having</span> taken upon me in the prologue to this -play, to give the auditors some short account of -that part of it which Sir <em>John Vanbrugh</em> left unfinished, -and not thinking it adviseable in that place, to limit -their judgment by so high a commendation as I thought -it deserved; I have therefore, for the satisfaction of the -curious, printed the whole of what he wrote, separately, -under the single title he gave it of <em>A Journey to London</em>, -without presuming to alter a line.</p> - -<p>Yet when I own, that in my last conversation with -him, (which chiefly turned upon what he had done towards -a comedy) he excused his not shewing it me, 'till -he had reviewd it, confessing the scenes were yet undigested, -too long, and irregular, particularly in the -lower characters, I have but one excuse for publishing -what he never designed should come into the world, as -it then was, viz. I had no other way of taking those -many faults to myself, which may be justly found in my -presuming to finish it.</p> - -<p>However, a judicious reader will find in his original -papers, that the characters are strongly drawn, -new, spirited, and natural, taken from sensible observations -on high and lower life, and from a just indignation -at the follies in fashion. All I could gather -from him of what he intended in the <em>catastrophe</em>, was, -that the conduct of his imaginary fine lady had so provoked -him, that he designed actually to have made her -husband turn her out of his doors. But when his per<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span>formance -came, after his decease, to my hands, I -thought such violent measures, however just they might be -in real life, were too severe for comedy, and would want -the proper surprise, which is due to the end of a play. -Therefore with much ado (and 'twas as much as I could -do with probability) I preserved the lady's chastity, -that the sense of her errors might make a reconciliation -not impracticable; and I hope the mitigation -of her sentence has been since justified by its -success.</p> - -<p>My inclination to preserve as much as possible of Sir -<em>John</em>, I soon saw had drawn the whole into an unusual -length; the reader will therefore find here a scene or -two of the lower humour that were left out, after the first -day's presentation.</p> - -<p>The favour the town has shewn to the higher characters -in this play, is a proof, that their taste is not -wholly vitiated, by the barbarous entertainments that -have been so expensively set off to corrupt it: but, while -the repetition of the best old plays is apt to give satiety, -and good new ones are so scarce a commodity, we must -not wonder, that the poor actors are sometimes forced to -trade in trash for a livelihood.</p> - -<p>I cannot yet take leave of the reader, without endeavouring -to do justice to those principal actors, who -have so evidently contributed to the support of this -comedy: And I wish I could separate the praises due to -them from the secret vanity of an author: For all I -can say will still insinuate, that they could not have so -highly excelled, unless the skill of the writer had given -them proper occasion. However, as I had rather -appear vain, than unthankful, I will venture to say of -Mr. <em>Wilks</em>, that in the last act, I never saw any passion -take so natural a possession of an actor, or any actor -take so tender a possession of his auditors——Mr. -<em>Mills</em> too, is confess'd by every body, to have surprised -them, by so far excelling himself——But there is no -doing right to Mrs. <em>Oldfield</em>, without putting people<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span> -in mind of what others, of great merit, have wanted -to come near her——'Tis not enough to say, she -<em>Here Out-did</em> her usual <em>Excellence</em>. I might therefore -justly leave her to the constant admiration of those spectators, -who have the pleasure of living while she is an -actress. But as this is not the only time she has been -the life of what I have given the public, so perhaps -my saying a little more of so memorable an actress, -may give this play a chance to be read, when the people -of this age shall be ancestors——May it therefore -give emulation to our successors of the stage, to -know, That to the ending of the year 1727, a cotemporary -comedian relates, that Mrs. <em>Oldfield</em> was, then, -in her highest excellence of action, happy in all the -rearly-found requisites, that meet in one person to complete -them for the stage——She was in stature just -rising to that height, where the <em>graceful</em> can only -begin to shew itself; of a lively aspect and a command -in her mein, that like the principal figure in the finest -paintings, first seizes, and longest delights the eye of -the spectators. Her voice was sweet, strong, piercing, -and melodious: her pronunciation voluble, distinct, and -musical; and her emphasis always placed where the -spirit of the sense, in her periods, only demanded it. -If she delighted more in the Higher Comic, than in -the Tragic strain, 'twas because the last is too often -written in a lofty disregard of nature. But in characters -of modern practised life, she found occasions -to add the particular air and manner which distinguished -the different humours she presented. Whereas -in tragedy, the manner of speaking varies, as little as the -blank verse it is written in——She had one peculiar -happiness from nature, she looked and maintained the -<em>agreeable</em>, at a time when other fine women only raise -admirers by their understanding——The spectator was -always as much informed by her eyes as her elocution; -for the look is the only proof that an actor rightly conceives -what he utters, there being scare an instance,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span> -where the eyes do their part, that the elocution is -known to be faulty. The qualities she had <em>acquired</em> were -the <em>genteel</em> and <em>elegant</em>. The one in her air, and the -other in her dress, never had her equal on the stage; and -the ornaments she herself provided, (particularly in this -play) seemed in all respects the <em>paraphernalia</em> of a woman -of quality. And of that sort were the characters she -chiefly excelled in; but her natural good sense and lively -turn of conversation made her way so easy to ladies of -the highest rank, that it is a less wonder, if on the stage -she sometimes <em>was</em>, what might have become the finest -woman in real life to have supported.</p> - -<p> -<em>Theatre-Royal</em>.<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><em>Jan. 27</em>,</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 1em;">172⅞</span><br /> -</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">C. CIBBER.</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="PROLOGUE5" id="PROLOGUE5">PROLOGUE,</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter">Spoken by Mr. <em>Wilks</em>. -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em><span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">T</span>his</span> play took birth from principles of truth,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To make amends for errors past, of youth.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>A bard, that's now no more, in riper days,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Conscious review'd the licence of his plays:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And tho' applause his wanton muse had fir'd,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Himself condemn'd what sensual minds admir'd.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>At length, he own'd, that plays should let you see</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Not only, What you are, but ought to be;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Though vice was natural, 'twas never meant</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The stage should shew it, but for punishment!</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Warm with that thought, his Muse once more took flame,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Resolv'd to bring licentious life to shame.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Such was the piece his latest pen design'd,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But left no traces of his plan behind.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Luxuriant scenes unprun'd or half contriv'd;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Yet thro' the mass his native fire surviv'd:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Rough, as rich ore, in mines the treasure lay,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Yet still 'twas rich, and forms at length a play.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>In which the bold compiler boasts no merit,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But that his pains have sav'd your scenes of spirit.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Not scenes that would a noisy joy impart,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But such as hush the mind and warm the heart.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>From praise of hands no sure account he draws,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But fixt attention is sincere applause:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>If then (for hard you'll own the task) his art</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Can to those embryon-scenes new life impart,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The living proudly would exclude his lays,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And to the buried bard resign the praise.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="Dramatis_Personae5" id="Dramatis_Personae5">Dramatis Personæ.</a></h3> - - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Dramatis Personæ"> - <tr> - <th colspan="2">MEN.</th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Lord <em>Townly</em>, of a regular life,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Wilks</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mr. <em>Manly</em>, an admirer of Lady <em>Grace</em>,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Mills</em> sen.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Sir <em>Francis Wronghead</em>, a country gentleman,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Cibber</em>, sen.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Squire <em>Richard</em>, his son, a mere whelp,</td> - <td>Young <em>Wetherelt</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Count <em>Basset</em>, a gamester,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Bridgewater</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>John Moody</em>, servant to Sir <em>Francis</em>, an honest clown,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Miller</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <th colspan="2">WOMEN.</th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Lady <em>Townly</em>, immoderate in her pursuit of pleasures,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Oldfield</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Lady <em>Grace</em>, sister to Lady <em>Townly</em>, of exemplary virtue,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Porter</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Lady <em>Wronghead</em>, wife to Sir <em>Francis</em>, inclin'd to be a fine lady,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Thurmond</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Miss <em>Jenny</em>, her daughter, pert and forward,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Cibber</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mrs <em>Motherly</em>, one that lets lodgings,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Moore</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Myrtilla</em>, her niece, seduced by the count,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Grace</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mrs. <em>Trusty</em>, Lady <em>Townly</em>'s woman,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Mills</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2" class="tdc">Masqueraders, Constable, Servants, &c.</td> - </tr> -</table></div> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>The <span class="antiqua"><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em></span> Lord <span class="antiqua">Townly</span>'s House, and -sometimes Sir <span class="antiqua">Francis</span>'s Lodgings.</em> -</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span></p> - -<p class="ph2">THE<br /> - -<span class="smcap">Provok'd Husband</span>;<br /> - -OR,<br /> - -<em>A</em> <span class="smcap">Journey</span> <em>to</em> <span class="smcap">London</span>. -</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_I_SCENE_I5" id="ACT_I_SCENE_I5"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> I. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - -<p class="directcenter"><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Lord <span class="antiqua">Townly</span>'s Apartment.</em> -</p> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Lord <span class="antiqua">Townly</span>, solus.</em> -</p> - -<p class="drop-capw"><span class="smcap">Why</span> did I marry!—Was it not evident, my -plain, rational scheme of life was impracticable, -with a woman of so different a way of thinking?—Is -there one article of it, that she has not broke in upon?—Yes,—let -me do her justice—her reputation—That—I -have no reason to believe is in question—but -then how long her profligate course of pleasures -may make her able to keep it—is a shocking question! -and her presumption while she keeps it—insupportable! -for on the pride of that single virtue she -seems to lay it down, as a fundamental point, that the -free indulgence of every other vice, this fertile town affords, -is the birth-right prerogative of a woman of -quality—Amazing! that a creature so warm in the -pursuit of her pleasures, should never cast one thought -towards her happiness—Thus, while she admits no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span> -lover, she thinks it a greater merit still, in her chastity, -not to care for her husband; and while she herself -is solacing in one continual round of cards and good -company, he, poor wretch! is left, at large, to take -care of his own contentment——'Tis time, indeed, some -care were taken, and speedily there shall be——Yet let -me not be rash——Perhaps this disappointment of my -heart may make me too impatient; and some tempers -when reproached grow more untractable.—Here she -comes—Let me be calm a while.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Townly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Going out so soon after dinner, Madam?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Lard, my Lord! what can I possibly do -at home?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> What does my sister, Lady <em>Grace</em>, do at -home?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Why, that is to me amazing! Have you -ever any pleasure at home!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> It might be in your power, Madam, I -confess, to make it a little more comfortable to me.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Comfortable! and so, my good Lord, -you would really have a woman of my rank and spirit -stay at home to comfort her husband! Lord! what notions -of life some men have!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Don't you think, Madam, some ladies' -notions full as extravagant?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Yes, my Lord, when the tame doves -live cooped within the penn of your precepts, I do think -'em prodigious indeed!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> And when they fly wild about this town, -Madam, pray what must the world think of 'em then?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Oh! this world is not so ill-bred as to -quarrel with any woman for liking it.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Nor am I, Madam, a husband so well-bred, -as to bear my wife's being so fond of it; in short, -the life you lead, Madam——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Is, to me, the pleasantest life in the -world.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> I should not dispute your taste, Madam, -if a woman had a right to please nobody but herself.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Why, whom would you have her please?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Sometimes her husband.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> And don't you think a husband under -the same obligation?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Certainly.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Why then we are agreed, my Lord—For -if I never go abroad 'till I am weary of being at home——which -you know is the case——is it not equally -reasonable, not to come home till one's weary of being -abroad!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> If this be your rule of life, Madam, 'tis -time to ask you one serious question?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Don't let it be long a coming then——for -I am in haste.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Madam, when I am serious, I expect a -serious answer.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Before I know the question?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Psha——have I power, Madam, to make -you serious by intreaty?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> You have.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> And you promise to answer me sincerely?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Sincerely.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Now then recollect your thoughts, and -tell me seriously, Why you married me?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> You insist upon truth, you say?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> I think I have a right to it.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Why then, my Lord, to give you, at -once, a proof of my obedience and sincerity——I -think——I married—to take off that restraint, that lay -upon my pleasures, while I was a single woman.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> How, Madam! is any woman under less -restraint after marriage, than before it?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> O my Lord! my Lord! they are quite -different creatures! Wives have infinite liberties in life, -that would be terrible in an unmarried woman to take.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Name one.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Fifty, if you please!—--to begin then, -in the morning——A married woman may have men -at her toilet, invite them to dinner, appoint them a -party, in a stage box at the play; ingross the conver<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span>sation -there, call 'em by their christian names; talk -louder than the players;——From thence jaunt into -the city——take a frolicksome supper at an <em>India</em> house——perhaps -in her <em>gaieté de cœur</em> toast a pretty fellow—Then -clatter again to this end of the town, break with -the morning, into an assembly, croud to the hazard-table, -throw a familiar <em>levant</em> upon some sharp lurching -man of quality, and if he demands his money, turn it -off with a loud laugh, and cry——you'll owe it him -to vex him! ha! ha!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Prodigious!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> These now, my Lord, are some few of -the many modish amusements, that distinguish the privilege -of a wife, from that of a single woman.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Death! Madam, what law has made these -liberties less scandalous in a wife, than in an unmarried -woman?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Why, the strongest law in the world, -custom——custom time out of mind, my Lord.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Custom, Madam, is the law of fools: -but it shall never govern me.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Nay, then, my Lord, 'tis time for me to -observe the laws of prudence.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> I wish I could see an instance of it.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> You shall have one this moment, my -Lord; for I think, when a man begins to lose his -temper at home; if a woman has any prudence, -why——she'll go abroad 'till he comes to himself -again.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Going.</em></p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Hold, Madam—I am amazed, you are not -more uneasy at the life we lead! You don't want sense; -and yet seem void of all humanity: for, with a blush I -say it, I think, I have not wanted love.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Oh! don't say that, my Lord, if you suppose -I have my senses.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> What is it I have done to you? what can -you complain of?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em>. Oh! nothing in the least: 'Tis true, you -have heard me say; I have owed my Lord <em>Lurcher</em> an -hundred pounds these three weeks——but what then?——a -husband is not liable to his wife's debts of honour,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span> -you know,——and if a silly woman will be uneasy -about money she can't be sued for, what's that to him? -as long as he loves her, to be sure she can have nothing -to complain of.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> By heaven, if my whole fortune thrown -into your lap, could make you delight in the chearful -duties of a wife, I should think myself a gainer by the -purchase.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> That is, my Lord, I might receive your -whole estate, provided you were sure I would not spend a -shilling of it.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> No, Madam; were I master of your -heart, your pleasures would be mine; but different as -they are, I'll feed even your follies to deserve it——Perhaps -you may have some other trifling debts of honour -abroad that keep you out of humour at home——at -least it shall not be my fault, if I have not more of your -company——There, there's a bill of five hundred——and -now, Madam——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> And now, my Lord, down to the ground -I thank you——Now am I convinc'd, were I weak -enough to love this man, I should never get a single -guinea from him.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> If it be no offence, Madam——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Say what you please, my Lord; I am in -that harmony of spirits, it is impossible to put me out of -humour.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> How long then in reason do you think -that sum ought to last you?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Oh, my dear, dear Lord! now you have -spoiled all again! How is it possible I should answer for -an event, that so utterly depends upon fortune? But -to shew you that I am more inclined to get money, -than to throw it away——I have a strong prepossession, -that with this five hundred, I shall win five thousand.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Madam, if you were to win ten thousand, -it would be no satisfaction to me.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> O! the churl! ten thousand! what! not -so much as wish I might win ten thousand!—--Ten<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span> -thousand! O! the charming sum! what infinite pretty -things might a woman of spirit do, with ten thousand -guineas! O' my conscience, if she were a woman of true -spirit—she—she might lose 'em all again.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> And I had rather it should be so, Madam; -provided I could be sure, that were the last you -would lose.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Well, my Lord, to let you see I design -to play all the good housewife I can; I am now going -to a party of <em>Quadrille</em>, only to piddle with a little -of it at poor two guineas a fish, with the Dutchess of -<em>Quiteright</em>.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Lady <span class="antiqua">Townly</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Insensible creature! neither reproaches, -or indulgence, kindness or severity, can wake her to -the least reflection! Continual licence has lull'd her -into such a lethargy of care, that she speaks of her -excesses with the same easy confidence, as if they were -so many virtues. What a turn has her head taken?——But -how to cure it——I am afraid the physic -must be strong that reaches her——Lenitives, I see, -are to no purpose——take my friend's opinion——<em>Manly</em> -will speak freely——my sister with tenderness to -both sides. They know my case——I'll talk with -'em.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter a Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Mr. <em>Manly</em>, my Lord has sent to know, if your -Lordship was at home.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> They did not deny me?</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> No, my Lord.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Very well; step up to my sister, and say, -I desire to speak with her.</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Lady <em>Grace</em> is here, my Lord.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Serv.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Grace</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> So, Lady fair; what pretty weapon have -you been killing your time with!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> A huge folio that has almost killed me—I -think I have half read my eyes out.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> O! you should not pore so much just -after dinner, child.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> That's true, but any body's thoughts are -better than always one's own, you know.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Who's there?</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p>Leave word at the door I am at home to nobody but -Mr. <em>Manly</em>.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> And why is he excepted, pray, my Lord?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> I hope, Madam, you have no objection -to his company?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Your particular orders upon my being -here, look, indeed, as if you thought I had not.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> And your Ladyship's enquiry into the -reason of those orders, shews, at least, it was not a -matter indifferent to you!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Lord! you make the oddest constructions, -brother!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Look you my grave Lady <em>Grace</em>——in -one serious word—I wish you had him.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> I can't help that.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Ha! you can't help it! ha! ha! The -flat simplicity of that reply was admirable!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Pooh! you teize one, brother!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Come, I beg pardon, child——this -is not a point, I grant you, to trifle upon; therefore, I -hope you'll give me leave to be serious.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> If you desire it, brother! though upon -my word, as to Mr. <em>Manly</em>'s having any serious thoughts -of me—I know nothing of it.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Well——there's nothing wrong, in -your making a doubt of it——But, in short, I find, by -his conversation of late, that he has been looking round -the world for a wife; and if you were to look round the -world for a husband, he's the first man I would give to -you.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Then, whenever he makes me an offer, -brother, I will certainly tell you of it.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> O! that's the last thing he'll do; he'll -never make you an offer, 'till he's pretty sure it won't be -refus'd.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Now you make me curious. Pray! did -he ever make an offer of that kind to you?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Not directly; but that imports nothing; -he is a man too well acquainted with the female world, -to be brought into a high opinion of any one woman, -without some well examined proof of her merit: Yet -I have reason to believe, that your good sense, your -turn of mind, and your way of life, have brought him -to so favourable a one of you, that a few days will -reduce him to talk plainly to me: Which as yet, (notwithstanding -our friendship) I have neither declin'd nor -encouraged him to.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> I am mighty glad we are so near in our -way of thinking: For, to tell you the truth, he is much -upon the same terms with me: You know he has a -satirical turn; but never lashes any folly, without giving -due encomiums to its opposite virtue: and upon such -occasions, he is sometimes particular, in turning his -compliments upon me, which I don't receive, with -any reserve, lest he should imagine I take them to myself.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> You are right, child, when a man of -merit makes his addresses: good sense may give him an -answer, without scorn, or coquetry.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Hush! he's here——</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mr. <span class="antiqua">Manly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> My Lord! your most obedient.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Dear <em>Manly</em>! yours——I was thinking -to send to you.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Then, I am glad I am here, my Lord——Lady -<em>Grace</em>, I kiss your hands!—--What, only you -two! How many visits may a man make, before he -falls into such unfashionable company? A brother and -sister soberly sitting at home, when the whole town is a -gadding! I question if there is so particular a <em>tête à -tête</em>, again, in the whole parish of St. <em>James</em>'s.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Fy! fy! Mr. <em>Manly</em>; how censorious -you are!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I had not made the reflexion, Madam, but that -I saw you an exception to it—Where's my lady?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> That I believe is impossible to guess.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Then I won't try, my Lord——</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> But 'tis probable I may hear of her by -that time I am four or five hours in bed.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Now, if that were my case, I believe I should——But -I beg pardon, my Lord.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Indeed, Sir, you shall not: You will -oblige me, if you speak out; for it was upon this head, I -wanted to see you.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Why, then, my Lord, since you oblige me to -proceed——if that were my case——I believe I -should certainly sleep in another house.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> How do you mean?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Only a compliment, Madam.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> A compliment!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Yes, Madam, in rather turning myself out of -doors than her.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Don't you think that would be going too -far?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I don't know but it might, Madam; for in -strict justice, I think she ought rather to go than I.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> This is new doctrine, Mr. <em>Manly</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> As old, Madam, as <em>Love</em>, <em>Honour</em>, and <em>Obey</em>! -When a woman will stop at nothing that's wrong, why -should a man balance any thing that's right.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Bless me, but this is fomenting things—</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Fomentations, Madam, are sometimes necessary -to dispel rumours; tho' I don't directly advise my Lord -to do this——This is only what, upon the same provocation, -I would do myself.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Ay! ay! You would do! Batchelors -wives, indeed, are finely governed.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> If the married mens were as well——I am apt -to think we should not see so many mutual plagues taking -the air, in separate coaches!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Well! but suppose it was your own case; -would you part with a wife because she now and then -stays out, in the best company?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Well said, Lady <em>Grace</em>! come, stand up -for the privilege of your sex! This is like to be a warm -debate! I shall edify.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Madam, I think a wife, after midnight, has no -occasion to be in better company than her husband; and -that frequent unreasonable hours make the best company——the -worst company she can fall into.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> But if people of condition are to keep -company with one another; how is it possible to be done -unless one conforms to their hours?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I can't find that any woman's good breeding -obliges her to conform to other people's vices.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> I doubt, child, we are got a little on the -wrong side of the question.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Why so, my Lord? I can't think the -case so bad, as Mr. <em>Manly</em> states it——People of quality -are not ty'd down to the rules of those, who have their -fortunes to make.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> No people, Madam, are above being ty'd down -to some rules, that have fortunes to lose.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Pooh! I'm sure, if you were to take my -side of the argument, you would be able to say something -more for it.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Well, what say you to that, <em>Manly</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Why, 'troth, my Lord, I have something to -say.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Ay! that I would be glad to hear, now!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Out with it!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Then in one word, this, my Lord, I have often -thought that the mis-conduct of my Lady has, in a -great measure, been owing to your Lordship's treatment -of her.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Bless me!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> My treatment!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Ay, my Lord, you so idoliz'd her before marriage, -that you even indulg'd her like a mistress, after it; -In short, you continued the lover, when you should have -taken up the husband.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> O frightful! this is worse than t'other! -can a husband love a wife too well!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> As easy, Madam, as a wife may love her husband -too little.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> So! you two are never like to agree, I find.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Don't be positive, brother;——I am -afraid we are both of a mind already. [<em>Aside.</em>] And do -you, at this rate, ever intend to be married, Mr. <em>Manly</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Never, Madam; 'till I can meet a woman that -likes my doctrine.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> 'Tis pity but your mistress should hear it.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Pity me, Madam, when I marry the woman -that won't hear it.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> I think, at least, he can't say that's me.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> And so, my Lord, by giving her more power -than was needful, she has none where she wants it; having -such entire possession of you, she is not mistress of herself! -And, mercy on us! how many fine womens heads -have been turn'd upon the same occasion!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> O <em>Manly</em>! 'tis too true! there's the source -of my disquiet! she knows and has abused her power: -Nay, I am still so weak (with shame I speak it) 'tis not -an hour ago, that in the midst of my impatience—I -gave her another bill for five hundred to throw away.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Well——my Lord! to let you see I am sometimes -upon the side of good nature, I won't absolutely -blame you; for the greater your indulgence, the more -you have to reproach her with.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Ay, Mr. <em>Manly</em>! here now, I begin to -come in with you: Who knows, my Lord, you may -have a good account of your kindness!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> That, I am afraid, we had not best depend upon: -But since you have had so much patience, my Lord, even -go on with it a day or two more; and upon her Ladyship's -next sally, be a little rounder in your expostulation; if -that don't work—drop her some cool hints of a determin'd -reformation, and leave her——to breakfast upon 'em.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> You are perfectly right! how valuable is -a friend, in our anxiety!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Therefore to divert that, my Lord, I beg for the -present, we may call another cause.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Ay, for goodness sake let's have done -with this.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> With all my heart.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Have you no news abroad, Mr. <em>Manly</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> <em>A propos</em>——I have some, Madam; and I believe, -my Lord, as extraordinary in its kind——</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Pray let's have it.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Do you know that your country neighbour, and -my wise kinsman, Sir <em>Francis Wronghead</em>, is coming to -town with his whole family?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> The fool! what can be his business here?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Oh! of the last importance, I'll assure you—No -less than the business of the nation.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Explain!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> He has carried his election——against Sir -<em>John Worthland</em>.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> The Deuce! what! for——for——</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> The famous borough of <em>Guzzledown</em>!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> A proper representative, indeed.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Pray, Mr. <em>Manly</em>, don't I know him?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> You have din'd with him, Madam, when I was -last down with my Lord, at <em>Bellmont</em>.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Was not that he that got a little merry -before dinner, and overset the tea-table, in making his -compliments to my Lady?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> The same.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Pray what are his circumstances? I know -but very little of him.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Then he is worth your knowing, I can tell -you, Madam. His estate, if clear, I believe, might be -a good two thousand pounds a year: Though as it was -left him, saddled with two jointures, and two weighty -mortgages upon it, there is no saying what it is——But -that he might be sure never to mend it, he married -a profuse young hussy, for love, without a penny of -money! Thus having, like his brave ancestors, provided -heirs for the family (for his dove breeds like a -tame pigeon) he now finds children and interest-money -make such a bawling about his ears, that at last he has -taken the friendly advice of his kinsman, the good Lord -<em>Danglecourt</em>, to run his estate two thousand pounds more -in debt, to put the whole management of what's left into -<em>Paul Pillage</em>'s hands, that he may be at leisure himself -to retrieve his affairs by being a parliament-man.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> A most admirable scheme, indeed!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> And with this politic prospect, he's now upon -his journey to <em>London</em>——</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> What can it end in?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Pooh! a journey into the country again.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> And do you think he'll stir, 'till his -money's gone? or at least 'till the session is over?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> If my intelligence is right, my Lord, he won't -sit long enough to give his vote for a turnpike.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> How so?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> O! a bitter business! he had scarce a vote, in -the whole town, beside the returning officer: Sir <em>John</em> -will certainly have it heard at the bar of the house, and -send him about his business again.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Then he has made a fine business of it -indeed.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Which, as far as my little interest will go, shall -be done in as few days as possible.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> But why would you ruin the poor gentleman's -fortune, Mr. <em>Manly</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> No, Madam, I would only spoil his project, to -save his fortune.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> How are you concern'd enough, to do -either?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Why, I have some obligations to the family, -Madam: I enjoy at this time a pretty estate, which Sir -<em>Francis</em> was heir at law to: But——by his being -a booby, the last will of an obstinate old uncle gave it -to me.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter a Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Man</span>.</em>] Sir, here's one of your servants from -your house, desires to speak with you.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Will you give him leave to come in, my -Lord?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Sir——the ceremony's of your own -making.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Manly</span>'s Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Well, <em>James</em>! what's the matter now?</p> - -<p><em>James.</em> Sir, here's <em>John Moody</em>'s just come to town; he -says Sir <em>Francis</em>, and all the family, will be here to-night, -and is in a great hurry to speak with you.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Where is he?</p> - -<p><em>James.</em> At our house, Sir: He has been gaping and -stumping about the streets, in his dirty boots, and asking -every one he meets if they can tell him where he -may have a good lodging for a parliament man, 'till he -can hire a handsome whole house for himself and family, -for the winter.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I am afraid, my Lord, I must wait upon Mr. -<em>Moody</em>.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Pr'ythee! let's have him here: he will -divert us.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> O my Lord! he's such a cub! Not but he's so -near common sense, that he passes for a wit in the family.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> I beg of all things we may have him: -I am in love with Nature, let her dress be never so -homely.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Then desire him to come hither, <em>James</em>.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">James</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Pray what may be Mr. <em>Moody</em>'s post?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Oh! his <em>Maître d' Hôtel</em>, his butler, his bailiff, -his hind, his huntsman; and sometimes——his companion.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> It runs in my head, that the moment -this Knight has set him down in the house, he will get -up, to give them the earliest proof of what importance -he is to the public, in his own country.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Yes, and when they have heard him, he will -find, that his utmost importance stands valued at——sometimes -being invited to dinner.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> And her Ladyship will make as considerable -a figure, in her sphere too.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> That you may depend upon; for (if I don't -mistake) she has ten times more of the jade in her, than -she yet knows of; and she will so improve in this rich<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span> -soil, in a month, that she will visit all the ladies that will let -her into their houses; and run in debt to all the shopkeepers -that will let her into their books: In short, before -her important spouse has made five pounds by his eloquence -at <em>Westminster</em>, she will have lost five hundred at -dice and <em>Quadrille</em>, in the parish of St. <em>James</em>'s.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> So that, by that time he is declared unduly -elected, a swarm of duns will be ready for their -money; and his worship——will be ready for a jail.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Yes, yes, that I reckon will close the account -of this hopeful journey to <em>London</em>——But see, here comes -the fore-horse of the team!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter John <span class="antiqua">Moody</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Oh! Honest <em>John</em>!</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Ad's waunds and heart, Measter <em>Manly</em>! -I'm glad I ha' fun ye. Lawd! lawd! give me a buss! -Why that's friendly naw! Flesh! I thought we should -never ha' got hither! Well! and how d'ye do, Measter?——Good -lack! I beg pardon for my bauldness——I did -not see 'at his Honour was here.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Mr. <em>Moody</em>, your servant; I am glad to -see you in <em>London</em>. I hope all the family is well.</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Thanks be praised your honour, they are -in pretty good heart; thof' we have had a power of -crosses upo' the road.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> I hope my Lady has had no hurt, Mr. -<em>Moody</em>.</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Noa, an't please your Ladyship, she was -never in better humour: There's money enough stirring -now.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> What has been the matter, <em>John</em>?</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Why, we came up in such a hurry, you -mun think, that our tackle was not so tight as it should -be.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Come, tell us all——Pray how do they -travel?</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Why, i'the awld coach, Measter, and -'cause my lady loves to do things handsom, to be sure, -she would have a couple of cart-horses clapt to th' four<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span> -old geldings, that neighbours might see she went up to -<em>London</em> in her coach and six! And so <em>Giles Joulter</em>, the -ploughman, rides postillion!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Very well! the journey sets out as it should do. -[<em>Aside.</em>] What, do they bring all the children with them -too?</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Noa, noa, only the younk squoire, and -Miss <em>Jenny</em>. The other foive are all out at board, at -half a crown a head, a week, with <em>Joan Growse</em> at -<em>Smoke-Dunghill</em> farm.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Good again! a right <em>English</em> academy for -younger children!</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Anon, Sir.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Not understanding him.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Poor souls! What will become of 'em?</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Nay, nay, for that matter, Madam, -they are in very good hands: <em>Joan</em> loves 'em as thof' -they were all her own: For she was wet-nurse to every -mother's babe of 'um——Ay, ay, they'll ne'er want for -a full belly there!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> What simplicity!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> The Lud 'a mercy on all good folks! what -work will these people make!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Holding up his hands.</em></p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> And when do you expect him here, <em>John</em>?</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Why we were in hopes to ha' come yesterday, -an' it had no' been, that th' owld wheaze-belly -horse tir'd: And then we were so cruelly loaden, -that the two fore wheels came crash! down at once, in -<em>Waggon-Rut Lane</em>, and there we lost four hours 'fore we -could set things to rights again.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> So they bring all their baggage with the coach -then?</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Ay, ay, and good store on't there is——Why -my lady's geer alone were as much as fill'd four -portmantel trunks, besides the great deal-box, that heavy -<em>Ralph</em> and the monkey sit upon behind.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town</em>, Lady <em>Grace</em>, and <em>Man.</em> Ha! ha, ha!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Well, Mr. <em>Moody</em>, and pray how many -are they within the coach?</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Why there's my Lady and his Worship; -and the younk squoire, and Miss <em>Jenny</em>, and the fat lap<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span>-dog, -and my lady's maid, Mrs. <em>Handy</em>, and <em>Doll Tripe</em> -the cook, that's all——Only <em>Doll</em> puked a little with -riding backward, so they hoisted her into the coach-box—and -then her stomach was easy.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Oh! I see 'em! I see 'em go by me. Ah! -ha!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Laughing.</em></p> - -<p><em>John Mood.</em> Then you mun think, measter, there was -some stowage for the belly, as well as th' back too; -such cargoes of plumb-cake, and baskets of tongues, and -biscuits and cheese, and cold boil'd beef——And then -in case of sickness, bottles of cherry-brandy, plague-water, -sack, tent and strong-beer so plenty as made -th' owld coach crack again! Mercy upon them! and send -'em all well to town, I say.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Ay! And well out on't again, <em>John</em>.</p> - -<p><em>John Mood.</em> Ods bud! measter, you're a wise mon; -and for that matter, so am I—Whoam's whoam, I say: -I'm sure we got but little good, e'er sin' we turn'd our -backs on't. Nothing but mischief! Some Devil's -trick or other plagued us, aw th' dey lung! Crack goes -one thing: Bawnce! goes another. Woa, says <em>Roger</em>——Then -souse! we are all set fast in a slough, -Whaw! cries Miss! Scream go the maids! and bawl! -just as thof' they were stuck! and so, mercy on us! this -was the trade from morning to night. But my Lady -was in such a murrain haste to be here, that set out she -would, thof' I told her it was <em>Childermas</em> day.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> These ladies, these ladies, <em>John</em>——</p> - -<p><em>John Mood.</em> Ah, measter, I ha' seen a little of 'em; -and I find that the best——when she's mended, won't -ha' much goodness to spare.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Well said, <em>John</em>. Ha! ha!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I hope at least that you and your good woman -agree still.</p> - -<p><em>John Mood.</em> Ay! ay! much of a muchness. <em>Bridget</em> -sticks to me: Tho' as for her goodness—why, she was -willing to come to <em>London</em> too——But hawld a bit! -Noa, noa, says I, there may be mischief enough done -without you.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Why that was bravely spoken, <em>John</em>, and like -a man.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>John Mood.</em> Ah, weast heart, were Measter but hawf -the Mon that I am——Ods wookers! thof' he'll -speak stawtly too sometimes——But then he conno' -hawld it——no! he conno' hawld it.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Lady <em>Grace</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Ha! ha! ha!</p> - -<p><em>John Mood.</em> Ods flesh! But I mun hye me whoam! -th' Coach will be coming every hour naw——but -Measter charg'd me to find your Worship out; for he -has hugey business with you; and will certainly wait -upon you, by that time he can put on a clean neckcloth.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> O <em>John</em>! I'll wait upon him.</p> - -<p><em>John Mood.</em> Why you wonno' be so kind, wull ye?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> If you'll tell me where you lodge.</p> - -<p><em>John Mood.</em> Just i'th' street next to where your Worship -dwells, the sign of the <em>Golden Ball</em>——It's Gold all -over; where they sell ribbands and flappits, and other -sort of geer for Gentlewomen.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> A Milliner's?</p> - -<p><em>John Mood.</em> Ay, ay, one Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>: Waunds! she -has a couple of clever girls there stitching i'th' foreroom.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Yes, yes, she's a woman of good business, no -doubt on't——Who recommended that house to you, -<em>John</em>?</p> - -<p><em>John Mood.</em> The greatest good fortune in the world, -sure! For as I was gaping about streets, who should -look out of the window there, but the fine Gentleman, -that was always riding by our Coach side, at <em>York</em> Races——Count——<em>Basset</em>; -ay, that's he.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> <em>Basset</em>? Oh, I remember; I know him by -sight.</p> - -<p><em>John Mood.</em> Well! to be sure, as civil a Gentleman, -to see to——</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> As any sharper in town.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>John Mood.</em> At York, he us'd to breakfast with my Lady -every morning.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Yes, yes, and I suppose her Ladyship will return -his compliment here in town.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>John Mood.</em> Well, Measter——</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> My Service to Sir <em>Francis</em> and my Lady, -<em>John</em>.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> And mine, pray Mr. <em>Moody</em>.</p> - -<p><em>John Mood.</em> Ay, your honors, they'll be proud on't, -I dare say.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I'll bring my compliments myself: So, honest -<em>John</em>——</p> - -<p><em>John Mood.</em> Dear Measter <em>Manly</em>! the goodness of -goodness bless and preserve you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">John Moody</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> What a natural creature 'tis!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Well! I can't but think <em>John</em>, in a wet -afternoon in the country, must be very good company.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> O! the <em>Tramontane</em>! If this were known -at half the <em>quadrille</em>-tables in town, they would lay down -their cards to laugh at you.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> And the minute they took them up again -they would do the same at the losers——But to let -you see, that I think good company may sometimes -want cards to keep them together: what think you if we -three sat soberly down, to kill an hour at <em>Ombre</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I shall be too hard for you, Madam.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> No matter! I shall have as much advantage -of my Lord, as you have of me.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Say you so, Madam? Have at you then! -Here! get the <em>ombre</em>-table, and cards.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Lord <span class="antiqua">Townly</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Come, Mr. <em>Manly</em>——I know you -don't forgive me now!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I don't know whether I ought to forgive your -thinking so, Madam. Where do you imagine I could -pass my time so agreeably?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> I'm sorry my Lord is not here to take -share of the compliment——But he'll wonder what's -become of us!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I'll follow in a moment, Madam——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Lady Grace</span>.</em></p> - -<p>It must be so——she sees I love her——yet with -what unoffending decency she avoids an explanation! -How amiable is every hour of her conduct? What a -vile opinion have I had of the whole sex, for these ten -years past, which this sensible creature has recovered -in less than one? Such a companion, sure, might com<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span>pensate -all the irksome disappointments, that pride, -folly and falshood ever gave me!</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Could women regulate, like her, their lives,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">What <em>Halcyon</em> days were in the gift of wives!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vain rovers, then, might envy what they hate;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And only fools would mock the married state.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_II_SCENE_I5" id="ACT_II_SCENE_I5"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> II. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - -<p class="directcenter"><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Mrs.</em> Motherly's <em>House</em>. -</p> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Count <span class="antiqua">Basset</span> and Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Motherly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">I</span> tell</span> you there is not such a family in -<em>England</em>, for you! do you think I would -have gone out of your lodgings for any body, that was -not sure to make you easy for the winter?</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Nay, I see nothing against it, Sir, but the -gentleman's being a parliament man: and when people -may, as it were, think one impertinent, or be out of -humour, you know, when a body comes to ask for one's -own——</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Psha! Pr'ythee never trouble thy head—His -pay is as good as the bank!—--Why, he has above -two thousand a year!</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Alas-a-day! that's nothing: Your people of -ten thousand a year, have ten thousand things to do -with it.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Nay, if you are afraid of being out of -your money; what do you think of going a little with -me, Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> As how?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Why I have a game in my head, in which, -if you'll croup me, that is, help me to play it, you shall -go five hundred to nothing.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Say you so?——Why then, I go, Sir——and -now pray let's see your game.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Look you, in one word my cards lie thus—When -I was down this summer at <em>York</em>, I happened -to lodge in the same house with this Knight's lady, that's -now coming to lodge with you.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Did you so, Sir?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> And sometimes had the honour to breakfast, -and pass an idle hour with her——</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Very good; and here I suppose you would have -the impudence to sup, and be busy with her.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Psha! pr'ythee hear me!</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Is this your game? I would not give sixpence -for it! What, you have a passion for her pin-money——no, -no, country ladies are not so flush of it.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Nay, if you won't have patience——</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> One had need of a great deal, I am sure, to -hear you talk at this rate! Is this your way of making -my poor <em>Myrtilla</em> easy?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Death! I shall do it still, if the woman -will but let me speak——</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Had not you a letter from her this morning?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> I have it here in my pocket—this is it.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Shews it, and puts it up again.</em></p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Ay, but I don't find you have made any answer -to it.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> How the devil can I, if you won't hear me!</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> What! hear you talk of another woman?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> O lud! O lud! I tell you, I'll make her -fortune——'Ounds! I'll marry her.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> A likely matter! if you would not do it when -she was a maid, your stomach is not so sharp set now, I -presume.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Hey day! why your blood begins to turn, -my dear! the devil! you did not think I proposed to -marry her myself!</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> If you don't, who the devil do you think will -marry her?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Why, a fool——</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Humph! there may be sense in that——</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Very good——One for t'other then; if I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span> -can help her to a husband, why should not you come -into my scheme of helping me to a wife?</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Your pardon, Sir! ay! ay! in an honourable -affair, you know you may command me——but pray -where is this blessed wife and husband to be had?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Now have a little patience——You must -know then, this country Knight, and his lady, bring up, -in the coach with them, their eldest son and a daughter, -to teach them to——wash their faces, and turn their -toes out.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Good!</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> The son is an unlick'd whelp, about sixteen, -just taken from school; and begins to hanker after -every wench in the family: The daughter much of the -same age, a pert, forward hussy, who having eight -thousand pound left her by an old doating grandmother, -seems to have a devilish mind to be doing in her way -too.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> And your design is to put her into business for -life?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Look you, in short, Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>, we -gentlemen whose occasional chariots roll, only, upon the -four aces, are liable sometimes you know, to have a wheel -out of order: Which, I confess, is so much my case at -present, that my dapple greys are reduced to a pair of -ambling chairmen: Now, if with your assistance, I can -whip up this young jade into a hackney-coach, I may -chance, in a day or two after, to carry her in my own -chariot <em>en famille</em>, to an opera. Now what do you say -to me?</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Why, I shall not sleep—for thinking of it. But -how will you prevent the family's smoaking your design?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> By renewing my addresses to the mother.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> And how will the daughter like that, think you?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Very well——whilst it covers her own -affair.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> That's true——it must do——but, as you say, -one for t'other, Sir, I stick to that—if you don't do my -niece's business with the son, I'll blow you with the -daughter, depend upon't.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span></p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> It's a bett—pay as we go, I tell you, and -the five hundred shall be staked in a third hand.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> That's honest——But here comes my niece! -shall we let her into the secret?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Time enough! may be I may touch upon it.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Myrtilla</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> So, niece, are all the rooms done out, and the -beds sheeted?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Yes, Madam, but Mr. <em>Moody</em> tells us the lady -always burns wax, in her own chamber, and we have -none in the house.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Odso! then I must beg your pardon, Count; -this is a busy time, you know.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Motherly</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> <em>Myrtilla</em>! how dost do, child?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> As well as a losing gamester can.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Why, what have you lost?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> What I shall never recover; and what's worse, -you that have won it, don't seem to be much the better -for't.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Why child, dost thou ever see any body overjoyed -for winning a deep stake, six months after 'tis over?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Would I had never play'd for it!</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Psha! Hang these melancholy thoughts; -we may be friends still.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Dull ones.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Useful ones perhaps——suppose I should -help thee to a good husband?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> I suppose you think any one good enough that -will take me off your hands.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> What do you think of the young country -'Squire, the heir of the family, that's coming to lodge -here?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> How should I know what to think of him?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Nay, I only give you the hint, child; it -may be worth your while, at least, to look about you—Hark! -what bustle's that without.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Motherly</span> in haste.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Sir! Sir! the gentleman's coach is at the -door! they are all come!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span></p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> What, already?</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> They are just getting out!—--won't you step -and lead in my Lady? Do you be in the way, Niece! I -must run and receive them.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Motherly</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> And think of what I told you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Count</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Ay! ay! you have left me enough to think of, as -long as I live——a faithless fellow! I'm sure I have been -true to him; and for that very reason, he wants to be -rid of me: But while women are weak, men will be -rogues! And for a bane to both their joys and ours; -when our vanity indulges them, in such innocent favours -as make them adore us; we can never be well, 'till we -grant them the very one, that puts an end to their devotion—But -here comes my aunt, and the company.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Motherly</span> returns shewing in Lady <span class="antiqua">Wronghead</span>, -led by Count <span class="antiqua">Basset</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> If your Ladyship pleases to walk into this parlour, -Madam, only for the present, 'till your servants -have got all your things in.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Well! dear Sir, this is so infinitely obliging!—I -protest it gives me pain tho' to turn you out of -your lodging thus!</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> No trouble in the least, Madam; we single -fellows are soon mov'd; besides, Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>'s my old -acquaintance, and I could not be her hindrance.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> The Count is so well bred, Madam, I dare say -he would do a great deal more, to accommodate your -Ladyship.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> O dear Madam!—--A good well bred -sort of woman.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Apart to the <span class="antiqua">Count</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> O Madam, she is very much among people -of quality, she is seldom without them, in her house.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Are there a good many people of quality -in this street, Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Now your Ladyship is here, Madam, I don't -believe there is a house without them.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> I am mighty glad of that: for really I -think people of quality should always live among one -another.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span></p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> 'Tis what one would choose indeed, -Madam.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Bless me! but where are the children all -this while?</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Sir <em>Francis</em>, Madam, I believe is taking care of -them.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> [<em>Within.</em>] <em>John Moody</em>! stay you by the coach, -and see all our things out—Come, children.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Here they are, Madam.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Sir <span class="antiqua">Francis</span>, Squire <span class="antiqua">Richard</span>, and Miss <span class="antiqua">Jenny</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Well, Count! I mun say it, this was koynd, -indeed!</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Sir <em>Francis</em>! give me leave to bid you -welcome to <em>London</em>.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Psha! how dost do, mon——waunds, I'm -glad to see thee! A good sort of a house this!</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Is not that master <em>Richard</em>?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ey! ey! that's young hopeful——why -dost not baw, <em>Dick</em>?</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> So I do, feyther.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Sir I'm glad to see you——I protest -Mrs. <em>Jane</em> is grown so, I should not have known her.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Come forward, <em>Jenny</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> Sure, papa, do you think I don't know how to -behave myself?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> If I have permission to approach her, Sir -<em>Francis</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> Lord, Sir, I'm in such a frightful pickle——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Salute.</em></p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Every dress that's proper must become -you, Madam,——you have been a long journey.</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> I hope you will see me in a better, to-morrow, -Sir.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Lady <span class="antiqua">Wrong.</span> whispers Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Moth.</span> pointing to <span class="antiqua">Myrtilla</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Only a niece of mine, Madam, that lives with -me: she will be proud to give your Ladyship any assistance -in her power.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> A pretty sort of a woman.——<em>Jenny</em>, -you two must be acquainted.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> O, Mama! I am never strange, in a strange -place!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Salutes <span class="antiqua">Myrtilla</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> You do me a great deal of honour, Madam——Madam, -your Ladyship's welcome to <em>London</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> Mama! I like her prodigiously! she call'd me -my Ladyship.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Pray mother, mayn't I be acquainted with -her too!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> You, you clown! stay 'till you learn a -little more breeding first.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Od's heart! my Lady <em>Wronghead</em>! why do -you balk the lad? how should he ever learn breeding, if -he does not put himself forward?</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Why ay, feather, does moather think 'at -I'd be uncivil to her?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Master has so much good-humour, Madam, he -would soon gain upon any body.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>He kisses <span class="antiqua">Myr</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Lo' you there, Moather: and you would -but be quiet, she and I should do well enough.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Why, how now, sirrah! Boys must not -be so familiar.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Why, an' I know nobody, haw the murrain -mun I pass my time here, in a strange place? Naw -you and I and sister, forsooth, sometimes in an afternoon -moy play at one and thirty bone-ace, purely.</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> Speak for yourself, Sir! D'ye think I play at -such clownish games?</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Why and you woant yo' ma' let it aloane; -then she, and I, mayhap, will have a bawt at All-fours, -without you.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Noa! Noa! <em>Dick</em>, that won't do neither; -you mun learn to make one at Ombre, here, Child.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> If Master pleases, I'll shew it him.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> What! the <em>Humber</em>! Hoy day! why does -our River run to this Tawn, Feather?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Pooh! you silly Tony! Ombre is a geam at -cards, that the better sort of people play three together at.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Nay the moare the merrier, I say; but -Sister is always so cross grain'd——</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> Lord! this Boy is enough to deaf people——and -one has really been stuft up in a Coach so long,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span> -that——Pray Madam——could not I get a little -powder for my hair?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> If you please to come along with me, Madam.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt <span class="antiqua">Myr.</span> and <span class="antiqua">Jenny</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> What, has Sister ta'en her away naw! mess, -I'll go and have a little game with 'em.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Ex. after them.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Well, Count, I hope you won't so far -change your lodgings, but you will come, and be at -home here sometimes?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ay, ay! pr'ythee come and take a bit of -mutton with us, naw and tan, when thouh'st nowght -to do.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Well, Sir <em>Francis</em>, you shall find I'll make -but very little ceremony.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why ay naw, that's hearty!</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Will your Ladyship please to refresh yourself, -with a dish of tea, after your fatigue? I think I have -pretty good.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> If you please, Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>; but I believe -we had best have it above stairs.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Very well, Madam: it shall be ready immediately.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Motherly</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Won't you walk up, Sir?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> <em>Moody!</em></p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Shan't we stay for Sir <em>Francis</em>, Madam?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Lard! don't mind him! he will come if -he likes it.</p> - -<p><em>Sir Fran.</em> Ay, ay! ne'er heed me——I ha' things -to look after.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt Lady <span class="antiqua">Wrong.</span> and <span class="antiqua">Count Bas</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">John Moody</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Did you Worship want muh?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ay, is the coach clear'd? and all our -things in?</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Aw but a few band-boxes, and the nook -that's left o'th' goose poy——But a plague on him, -th' Monkey has gin us the slip, I think——I suppose -he's goon to see his relations; for here looks to be a -power of 'um in this town——but heavy <em>Ralph</em> is -skawer'd after him.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why, let him go to the Devil! no matter,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span> -and the hawnds had had him a month agoe——but -I wish the coach and horses were got safe to th' -Inn! This is a sharp tawn, we mun look about us -here, <em>John</em>, therefore I would have you go alung with -<em>Roger</em>, and see that nobody runs away with them before -they get to their stable.</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Alas-a-day, Sir: I believe our awld cattle -woant yeasily be run away with to-night—but howsomdever, -we'st ta' the best care we can of um, poor sawls.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Francis.</em> Well, well! make hast then——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Moody</span> goes out, and returns.</em></p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Ods Flesh! here's Master <em>Monly</em> come to -wait upo' your Worship!</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Wheere is he?</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Just coming in at threshould.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Then goa about your Business.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Ex. <span class="antiqua">Moody</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Manly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Cousin <em>Monly.</em> Sir, I am your very humble servant.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I heard you were come, Sir <em>Francis</em>—and—</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ods-heart! this was so kindly done of you naw.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I wish you may think it so, Cousin! for I confess, -I should have been better-pleas'd to have seen you -in any other place.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> How soa, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Nay, 'tis for your own sake: I'm not concern'd.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Look you, Cousin! thof' I know you wish -me well; yet I don't question I shall give you such -weighty reasons for what I have done, that you will -say, Sir, this is the wisest Journey that ever I made in -my life.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I think it ought to be, Cousin; for I believe, -you will find it the most expensive one—your Election -did not cost you a trifle, I suppose.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why ay! it's true! That—that did lick a -little; but if a man's wise, (and I han't fawn'd yet that -I'm a fool) there are ways, Cousin, to lick one's self -whole again.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Nay if you have that secret——</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Don't you be fearful, Cousin——you'll -find that I know something.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> If it be any thing for your good, I should be -glad to know it too.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> In short then, I have a friend in a corner, -that has let me a little into what's what, at <em>Westminster</em>——that's -one thing.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Very well! but what good is that to do you?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why not me, as much as it does other -folks?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Other people, I doubt, have the advantage of -different qualifications.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why ay! there's it naw! you'll say that I -have lived all my days i'the country——what then——I'm -o'the <em>Quorum</em>——I have been at Sessions, and I -have made Speeches there! ay, and at Vestry too——and -may hap they may find here,——that I have -brought my tongue up to town with me! D'ye take -me, naw?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> If I take your case right, Cousin; I am afraid -the first occasion you will have for your eloquence here, -will be, to shew that you have any right to make use -of it at all.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> How d'ye mean?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> That Sir <em>John Worthland</em> has lodg'd a Petition -against you.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Petition! why ay! there let it lie——we'll -find a way to deal with that, I warrant you!—--why, -you forget, Cousin, Sir <em>John</em>'s o'the wrong side, Mon.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I doubt Sir <em>Francis</em>, that will do you but little -service; for in cases very notorious (which I take yours -to be) there is such a thing as a short day, and dispatching -them immediately.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> With all my heart! the sooner I send him -home again the better.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> And this is the scheme you have laid down, to -repair your fortune?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> In one word, Cousin, I think it my duty! -the <em>Wrongheads</em> have been a considerable Family, ever -since <em>England</em> was <em>England</em>; and since the World knows -I have talents where withal, they shan't say it's my -fault, if I don't make as good a figure as any that ever -were at the head on't.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Nay! this project, as you have laid it, will -come up to any thing your Ancestors have done these -five hundred years.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> And let me alone to work it! mayhap I -hav'n't told you all, neither——</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> You astonish me! what! and is it full as practicable -as what you have told me!</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ay! thof' I say it——every whit, Cousin? -you'll find that I have more irons i'the fire than one! I -doan't come of a fool's errand!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Very well.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> In a word, my wife has got a friend at -Court, as well as myself, and her daughter <em>Jenny</em> is naw -pretty well grown up——</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>]—And what in the Devil's name -would he do with the Dowdy?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Naw, if I doan't lay in for a husband for -her, mayhap i'this Tawn, she may be looking out for -herself——</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Not unlikely.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Therefore I have some thoughts of getting -her to be Maid of Honour.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>]—Oh! he has taken my breath away! -but I must hear him out——Pray, Sir <em>Francis</em>, do you -think her education has yet qualified her for a Court?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why, the Girl is a little too mettlesome, -it's true! but she has tongue enough: She woan't be -dasht! Then she shall learn to daunce forthwith, and -that will soon teach her how to stond still, you know.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Very well; but when she is thus accomplish'd, -you must still wait for a vacancy.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why I hope one has a good chance for that -every day, Cousin! For if I take it right, that's a post, -that folks are not more willing to get into, than they -are to get out of—It's like an Orange-tree, upon that -accawnt——it will bear blossoms, and fruit that's ready -to drop, at the same time.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Well, Sir, you best know how to make -good your pretensions! But pray where is my Lady, -and my young Cousins? I should be glad to see them -too.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> She is but just taking a dish of tea with the -Count, and my Landlady—I'll call her dawn.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> No, no, if she's engag'd, I shall call again.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ods-heart! but you mun see her naw, -Cousin; what! the best Friend I have in the World!—--Here! -Sweet-heart! [<em>To a Servant without.</em>] -pr'ythee desire my Lady, and the Gentleman to come -down a bit; tell her here's Cousin <em>Manly</em> come to wait -upon her.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Pray, Sir, who may the Gentleman be?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> You mun know him to be sure; why it's -Count <em>Basset</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Oh! is it he?—Your Family will be infinitely -happy in his acquaintance.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Troth! I think so too: He's the civilest -Man that ever I knew in my life——why! here he -would go out of his own lodging, at an hour's warning, -purely to oblige my family. Wasn't that kind, -naw?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Extremely civil—the Family is in admirable -hands already.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Then my Lady likes him hugely—all the -time of <em>York</em> Races, she would never be without him.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> That was happy, indeed! and a prudent Man, -you know, should always take care that his Wife may -have innocent company.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why ay! that's it! and I think there could -not be such another.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Why truly, for her purpose, I think not.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Only naw and tan, he—he stonds a leetle -too much upon ceremony; that's his fault.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> O never fear! he'll mend that every day——Mercy -on us! what a head he has!</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> So! here they come!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Wronghead</span>, Count <span class="antiqua">Basset</span>, and Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Motherly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Cousin <em>Manly</em>! this is infinitely obliging! -I am extremely glad to see you.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Your most obedient Servant, Madam; I am -glad to see your Ladyship look so well, after your -Journey.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Why really! coming to <em>London</em> is apt to -put a little more life in one's looks.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Yet the way of living here, is very apt to -deaden the complexion——and give me leave to tell -you, as a friend, Madam, you are come to the worst -place in the world, for a good woman to grow better -in.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Lord, Cousin! how should people ever -make any figure in life, that are always moap'd up in -the country?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Your Ladyship certainly takes the thing -in a quite right light, Madam: Mr. <em>Manly</em>, your -humble Servant——a hem.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Familiar Puppy. [<em>Aside.</em>] Sir, your most obedient——I -must be civil to the Rascal, to cover my suspicion -of him.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Was you at <em>White</em>'s this morning, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Yes, Sir, I just call'd in.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Pray—what—was there any thing done -there?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Much as usual, Sir; the same daily carcases, -and the same crows about them.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> The <em>Demoivre</em>-Baronet had a bloody -tumble yesterday.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I hope, Sir, you had your share of him.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> No, faith! I came in when it was all -over——I think I just made a couple of Bets with -him, took up a cool hundred, and so went to the <em>King's -Arms</em>.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> What a genteel, easy manner he has!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> A very hopeful acquaintance I have made -here.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Squire <span class="antiqua">Richard</span>, with a wet brown Paper on his -face.</em> -</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> How naw, <em>Dick</em>! what's the matter with -thy forehead, Lad?</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> I ha' gotten a knuck upon't.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> And how did you come by it, you heedless -creature?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span></p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Why, I was but running after sister, and -t'other young woman, into a little room just naw: and -so with that, they flapt the door full in my feace, and -gave me such a whurr here—I thought they had beaten -my brains out! so I gut a dab of wet brown paper here, -to swage it a while.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> They serv'd you right enough! will you -never have done with your horse-play?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Pooh! never heed it, Lad! it will be well -by to-morrow—the Boy has a strong head!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Yes, truly, his skull seems to be of a comfortable -thickness.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Come, <em>Dick</em>, here's Cousin <em>Manly</em>——Sir, -this is your God-son.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Oh! here's my daughter too.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Miss <span class="antiqua">Jenny</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Honour'd Gudfeyther! I crave leave to -ask your blessing.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Thou hast it, Child——and if it will do thee -any good, may it be to make thee, at least, as wise a -man as thy father.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Miss <em>Jenny</em>! don't you see your cousin, -Child?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> And for thee, my pretty Dear—[<em>Salutes -her.</em>] may'st thou be, at least, as good a woman as thy -mother.</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> I wish I may ever be so handsome, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Hah! Miss Pert! Now that's a thought, that -seems to have been hatcht in the girl on this side -<em>Highgate</em>.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Her tongue is a little nimble, Sir.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> That's only from her country education, -Sir <em>Francis</em>. You know she has been kept too long there——so -I brought her to <em>London</em>, Sir, to learn a little -more reserve and modesty.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> O, the best place in the world for it—every -woman she meets will teach her something of it——There's -the good gentlewoman of the house, looks -like a knowing person; even she perhaps will be so -good as to shew her a little <em>London</em> behaviour.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Alas, Sir, Miss won't stand long in need of my -instructions.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> That I dare say: What thou can'st teach her, -she will soon be Mistress of.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> If she does, Sir, they shall always be at her -service.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Very obliging indeed, Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Very kind and civil, truly——I think we -are got into a mighty good hawse here.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> O yes, and very friendly company.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Humh! I'gad I don't like his looks——he -seems a little smoky——I believe I had as good brush -off——If I stay, I don't know but he may ask me some -odd questions.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Well, Sir, I believe you and I do but hinder -the family——</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> It's very true, Sir—I was just thinking of -going——He don't care to leave me, I see: But it's no -matter, we have time enough. [<em>Aside.</em>] And so Ladies, -without ceremony, your humble Servant.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Count <span class="antiqua">Basset</span>, and drops a Letter.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Ha! what Paper's this? Some Billet-doux -I'll lay my life, but this is no place to examine it.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Puts it in her Pocket.</em></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why in such haste, Cousin?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> O! my Lady must have a great many affairs -upon her hands, after such a journey.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> I believe, Sir, I shall not have much -less every day, while I stay in this town, of one sort -or other.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Why truly, Ladies seldom want employment -here, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> And Mamma did not come to it to be idle, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Nor you neither, I dare say, my young Mistress.</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> I hope not, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Ha! Miss Mettle!—--Where are you going -Sir?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Only to see you to the door, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Oh! Sir Francis, I love to come and go, without -ceremony.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</a></span></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Nay, Sir, I must do as you will have me—your -humble Servant.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Manly</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> This Cousin <em>Manly</em>, Papa, seems to be but of -an odd sort of a crusty humour——I don't like him half -so well as the Count.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Pooh! that's another thing, Child——Cousin -is a little proud indeed! but however you must -always be civil to him, for he has a deal of money; and -no body knows who he may give it to.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Pshah; a fig for his money, you have -so many projects of late about money, since you are -a Parliament Man: What! we must make ourselves -slaves to his impertinent humours, eight, or ten years -perhaps, in hopes to be his heirs, and then he will be -just old enough to marry his maid.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Nay, for that matter, Madam, the town says -he is going to be married already.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Who? Cousin <em>Manly</em>?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> To whom, pray?</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Why, is it possible your Ladyship should know -nothing of it!—--to my Lord <em>Townly</em>'s sister, Lady -<em>Grace</em>.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Lady <em>Grace</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Dear Madam, it has been in the New-Papers!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> I don't like that neither.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Naw, I do; for then it's likely it mayn't -be true.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] If it is not too far gone; at -least it may be worth one's while to throw a rub in his -way.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Pray, Feyther, haw lung will it be to -supper?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Odso! that's true! step to the Cook, Lad, -and ask what she can get us?</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> If you please, Sir, I'll order one of my maids -to shew her where she may have any thing you have a -mind to.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Thank you kindly, Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Ods-flesh! what, is not it i'the hawse yet——I -shall be famisht——but howld! I'll go and ask -<em>Doll</em>, an there's none o'the goose poy left.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</a></span></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Do so, and do'st hear, <em>Dick</em>——see if -there's e'er a bottle o'th' strong beer that came i'th' -coach with us——if there be, clap a toast in it, and -bring it up.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> With a little nutmeg and sugar, shawn't I, -Feyther?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ay! ay! as thee and I always drink it for -breakfast—Go thy ways!—--and I'll fill a pipe i'th' -mean while. [<em>Takes one from a Pocket-Case, and fills it.</em>]</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Squ. <span class="antiqua">Rich</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> This Boy is always thinking of his belly!</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why my Dear, you may allow him to be a -little hungry after his journey.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Nay, ev'n breed him your own way—He -has been cramming in or out of the coach all this -day I am sure—I wish my poor Girl could eat a quarter -as much.</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> O for that I could eat a great deal more, -Mamma; but then mayhap, I should grow coarse, like -him, and spoil my shape.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Ay, so thou would'st, my Dear.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Squire <span class="antiqua">Richard</span> with a full Tankard.</em> -</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Here, Feyther, I ha' browght it——it's -well I went as I did; for our <em>Doll</em> had just bak'd a toast, -and was going to drink it herself.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why then, here's to thee, <em>Dick</em>!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Drinks.</em></p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Thonk yow, Feyther.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Lord! Sir <em>Francis</em>! I wonder you can -encourage the Boy to swill so much of that lubberly liquor——it's -enough to make him quite stupid.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Why it never hurts me, Mother; and I -sleep like a hawnd after it.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Drinks.</em></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> I am sure I ha' drunk it these thirty years, -and by your leave, Madam, I don't know that I want -wit: Ha! ha!</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> But you might have had a great deal more, -Papa, if you would have been govern'd by my Mother.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Daughter! he that is governed by his Wife, -has no wit at all.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> Then I hope I shall marry a fool, Sir; for I -love to govern dearly.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> You are too pert, child; it don't do well -in a young woman.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Pray, Sir <em>Francis</em>, don't snub her; she has -a fine growing spirit, and if you check her so, you will -make her as dull as her brother there.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> [<em>After a long draught.</em>] Indeed, Mother, -I think my sister is too forward!</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> You! you think I'm too forward! sure! -Brother Mud! your head's too heavy to think of any -thing but your Belly.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Well said, Miss; he's none of your Master, -tho' he is your elder Brother.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> No, nor she shawn't be my Mistress, while -she's younger sister!</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Well said <em>Dick</em>! Shew 'em that stawt liquor -makes a stawt heart, Lad!</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> So I wull! and I'll drink ageen, for all -her!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Drinks.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">John Moody</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> So <em>John</em>! how are the horses!</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Troth, Sir, I ha' noa good opinion o' -this tawn, it's made up o' mischief, I think!</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> What's the matter naw?</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Why I'll tell your Worship——before -we were gotten to th' street end, with the coach, here, -a great lugger-headed cart, with wheels as thick as a -brick wall, laid hawld on't, and has poo'd it aw to -bits; crack! went the perch! Down goes the coach! -and whang! says the glasses, all to shivers! Marcy -upon us! and this be <em>London</em>! would we were aw weell -in the country ageen!</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> What have you to do, to wish us all in the -country again, Mr. Lubber? I hope we shall not go -into the country again these seven years, Mamma; let -twenty coaches be pull'd to pieces.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Hold your tongue, <em>Jenny</em>!—--Was <em>Roger</em> -in no fault, in all this?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Noa, Sir, nor I, noather——are not yow -asheam'd, says <em>Roger</em> to the carter, to do such an unkind -thing by strangers? Noa, says he, you Bumkin. Sir, -he did the thing on very purpose! and so the folks said -that stood by—Very well, says <em>Roger</em>, yow shall see what -our Meyster will say to ye! Your Meyster? says he; -your Meyster may kiss my—and so he clapt his hand -just there, and like your Worship. Flesh! I thought -they had better breeding in this tawn.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> I'll teach this rascal some, I'll warrant him! -Odsbud! if I take him in hand, I'll play the Devil with -him.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Ay do, Feyther; have him before the Parliament.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Odsbud! and so I will——I will make -him know who I am! Where does he live?</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> I believe, in <em>London</em>, Sir.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> What's the Rascal's name!</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> I think I heard somebody call him <em>Dick</em>.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> What, my name!</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Where did he go?</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Sir, he went home.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Where's that?</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> By my troth, Sir, I doan't know! I -heard him say he would cross the same street again to-morrow; -and if we had a mind to stand in his way, he -wou'd pool us over and over again.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Will he so! Odszooks! get me a Constable.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Pooh! get you a good supper. Come, -Sir <em>Francis</em>, don't put yourself in a heat for what can't -be helpt. Accidents will happen to people that travel -abroad to see the world——For my part, I think -it's a mercy it was not overturn'd before we were all -out on't.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why ay, that's true again, my Dear.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Therefore see to-morrow if we can buy -one at second-hand, for present use; so bespeak a new -one, and then all's easy.</p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Why troth, Sir, I doan't think this -could have held you above a day longer.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> D'ye think so, <em>John</em>?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>John Moody.</em> Why you ha' had it, ever since your -Worship were High Sheriff.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why then go and see what <em>Doll</em> has got us -for supper—and come and get off my boots.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Sir <span class="antiqua">Fran</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> In the mean time, Miss, do you step to -<em>Handy</em>, and bid her get me some fresh night-clothes.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Lady <span class="antiqua">Wrong</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> Yes, Mamma, and some for myself too.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Jenny</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Ods-flesh! and what mun I do all alone?</p> - -<p>I'll e'en seek out where t'other pretty Miss is, -And she and I'll go play at cards for kisses.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_III_SCENE_I5" id="ACT_III_SCENE_I5"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> III. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - -<p class="directcenter"><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>the Lord</em> Townly's <em>House</em>. -</p> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lord <span class="antiqua">Townly</span>, a Servant attending.</em> -</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">W</span>ho</span>'s there!</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> My Lord.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Bid them get dinner——Lady <em>Grace</em>, -your Servant.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Grace</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> What, is the house up already? My Lady -is not drest yet!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> No matter—it's three o'clock—she may -break my rest, but she shall not alter my hours.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Nay, you need not fear that now, for -she dines abroad.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> That, I suppose, is only an excuse for her -not being ready yet.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> No, upon my word, she is engaged to -company.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Where, pray?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> At my Lady <em>Revel</em>'s; and you know they -never dine 'till supper-time.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> No truly——she is one of those orderly -Ladies, who never let the sun shine upon any of their -vices!—--But pr'ythee, Sister, what humour is she -in to-day?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> O! in tip-top spirits, I can assure you——she -won a good deal, last night.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> I know no difference between her winning -or losing, while she continues her course of life.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> However she is better in good Humour, -than bad.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Much alike: When she is in good humour, -other people only are the better for it: When in -a very ill humour, then, indeed, I seldom fail to have -my share of her.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Well, we won't talk of that now——Does -any body dine here?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> <em>Manly</em> promis'd me—by the way, Madam, -what do you think of his last conversation?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em>——I am a little at a stand about it.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> How so?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Why——I don't know how he can ever -have any thoughts of me, that could lay down such severe -rules upon wives, in my hearing.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Did you think his rules unreasonable?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> I can't say I did: But he might have had -a little more complaisance before me, at least.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Complaisance is only a proof of good -breeding: But his plainness was a certain proof of his honesty; -nay, of his good opinion of you: For he would -never have open'd himself so freely, but in confidence -that your good sense could not be disobliged at it.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> My good opinion of him, Brother, has -hitherto been guided by yours: But I have receiv'd a -letter this morning that shews him a very different Man -from what I thought him.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> A letter from whom?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> That I don't know, but there it is.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Gives a Letter.</em></p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Pray let's see.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Reads.</em></p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p><em>The Inclos'd, Madam, fell accidentally into my hands; -if it no way concerns you, you will only have the trouble -of reading this, from your sincere Friend and humble Servant, -Unknown</em>, &c.</p></div> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> And this was the inclos'd.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Giving another.</em></p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> [<em>Reads.</em>] <em>To <span class="antiqua">Charles Manly</span>, Esq.</em></p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p><em>Your manner of living with me of late, convinces me, that -I now grow as painful to you, as to myself: but however, -though you can love me no longer, I hope you will -not let me live worse than I did, before I left an honest -Income, for the vain Hopes of being ever Yours.</em></p> - -<p class="directright">Myrtilla Dupe.</p> - -<p>P. S. <em>'Tis above four Months since I receiv'd a Shilling -from you.</em></p></div> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> What think you now?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> I am considering——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> You see it's directed to him——</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> That's true! but the Postscript seems -to be a reproach, that I think he is not capable of deserving.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> But who could have concern enough, to -send it to me?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> I have observed that these sort of letters -from unknown friends, generally come from secret -enemies.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> What would you have me do in it?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> What I think you ought to do——fairly -shew it him, and say I advis'd you to it.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Will not that have a very odd look, -from me?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Not at all, if you use my name in it: if -he is innocent, his impatience to appear so, will discover -his regard to you: If he is guilty, it will be -your best way of preventing his addresses.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> But what pretence have I to put him out -of countenance?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> I can't think there's any fear of that.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Pray what is't you do think then?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Why certainly, that it's much more probable, -this letter may be all an artifice, than that he is -in the least concern'd in it——</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter a Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Mr. <em>Manly</em>, my Lord.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Do you receive him; while I step a minute -in to my Lady.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Lord Townly</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Manly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Madam, your most obedient; they told me, -my Lord was here.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> He will be here presently: He is but just -gone in to my sister.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> So! then my Lady dines with us.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> No; she is engag'd.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I hope you are not of her party, Madam?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Not till after dinner.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> And pray how may she have dispos'd of the rest -of the day?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Much as usual! she has visits 'till about -eight; after that 'till court time, she is to be at Quadrille, -at Mrs. <em>Idle</em>'s: After the Drawing-room, she -takes a short supper with my Lady <em>Moonlight</em>. And -from thence, they go together to my Lord <em>Noble</em>'s Assembly.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> And are you to do all this with her, Madam?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Only a few of the visits; I would indeed -have drawn her to the Play; but I doubt we have -so much upon our hands, that it will not be practicable.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> But how can you forbear all the rest of it?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> There's no great merit in forbearing, -what one is not charm'd with.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> And yet I have found that very difficult in my -time.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> How do you mean?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Why, I have pass'd a great deal of my life, in -the hurry of the Ladies, though I was generally better -pleas'd when I was at quiet without 'em.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> What induc'd you, then, to be with -them?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Idleness, and the Fashion.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> No Mistresses in the case?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> To speak honestly—Yes—being often in -the toyshop, there was no forbearing the bawbles.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> And of course, I suppose sometimes you -were tempted to pay for them, twice as much as they -were worth.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Why really, where fancy only makes the -choice, Madam, no wonder if we are generally bubbled, -in those sort of bargains, which I confess has -been often my case: For I had constantly some Coquette, -or other, upon my hands, whom I could love -perhaps just enough to put it in her power to plague -me.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> And that's a pow'r, I doubt, commonly -made use of.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> The amours of a Coquette, Madam, seldom -have any other view. I look upon Them, and Prudes, -to be nusances, just alike; tho' they seem very different: -The first are always plaguing the Men; and the -other are always abusing the Women.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> And yet both of them do it for the same -vain ends; to establish a false character of being virtuous.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Of being chaste, they mean; for they know no -other virtue: and, upon the credit of that, they traffick -in every thing else that's vicious: They (even -against Nature) keep their chastity, only because they -find they have more power to do mischief with it, than -they could possibly put in practice without it.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Hold! Mr. <em>Manly</em>: I am afraid this severe -opinion of the sex, is owing to the ill choice you -have made of your Mistresses.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> In a great measure, it may be so: But, Madam, -if both these characters are so odious; how vastly valuable -is that woman, who has attain'd all they aim at -without the aid of the Folly, or Vice of either?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> I believe those sort of women to be as -scarce, Sir, as the men, that believe there are any such;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</a></span> -or that allowing such have virtue enough to deserve -them.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> That <em>could</em> deserve them then——had been -a more favourable reflexion!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Nay, I speak only from my little experience: -For (I'll be free with you, Mr. <em>Manly</em>) I don't -know a man in the world, that, in appearance, might -better pretend to a woman of the first merit, than -yourself: And yet I have a reason in my hand, here, -to think you have your failings.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I have infinite, Madam; but I am sure, the -want of an implicit respect for you, is not among the -number——pray what is in your hand, Madam?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Nay, Sir, I have no title to it; for the -direction is to you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Gives him a Letter.</em></p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> To me! I don't remember the hand—</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Reads to himself.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> I can't perceive any change of guilt in -him! and his surprise seems natural! [<em>Aside.</em>]——Give -me leave to tell you one thing by the way, Mr. -<em>Manly</em>; That I should never have shewn you this, but -that my Brother enjoin'd me to it.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I take that to proceed from my Lord's good -opinion of me, Madam.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> I hope, at least, it will stand as an excuse -for my taking this liberty.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I never yet saw you do any thing, Madam, -that wanted an excuse; and, I hope, you will not give -me an instance to the contrary, by refusing the favour -I am going to ask you.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> I don't believe I shall refuse any, that -you think proper to ask.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Only this, Madam, to indulge me so far, as to -let me know how this letter came into your hands.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Inclos'd to me, in this without a name.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> If there be no secret in the contents, Madam——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Why——there is an impertinent insinuation -in it: But as I know your good sense will think -it so too, I will venture to trust you.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[Pg 281]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> You oblige me, Madam.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>He takes the other Letter and reads.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Now am I in the oddest situation! -methinks our conversation grows terribly critical! -This must produce something:——O lud! would it -were over!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Now, Madam, I begin to have some light into -the poor project, that is at the bottom of all this.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> I have no notion of what could be proposed -by it.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> A little patience, Madam——First, as to -the insinuation you mention——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> O! what is he going to say now!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Tho' my intimacy with my Lord may have -allow'd my visits to have been very frequent here of -late; yet, in such a talking town as this, you must not -wonder, if a great many of those visits are plac'd to -your account: And this taken for granted, I suppose has -been told to my Lady <em>Wronghead</em>, as a piece of news, -since her arrival, not improbably without many more -imaginary circumstances.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> My Lady <em>Wronghead</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Ay, Madam, for I am positive this is her -hand!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> What view could she have in writing it?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> To interrupt any treaty of marriage, she may -have heard I am engaged in: Because if I die without -heirs, her Family expects that some part of my estate -may return to them again. But, I hope, she is so far -mistaken, that if this letter has given you the least uneasiness,——I -shall think that the happiest moment of -my life.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> That does not carry your usual complaisance, -Mr. <em>Manly</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Yes, Madam, because I am sure I can convince -you of my innocence.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> I am sure I have no right to inquire -into it.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Suppose you may not, Madam; yet you may -very innocently have so much curiosity.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[Pg 282]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> With what an artful gentleness he steals -into my opinion? [<em>Aside.</em>] Well, Sir, I won't pretend -to have so little of the Woman, in me, as to want curiosity——But -pray, do you suppose then, this <em>Myrtilla</em> -is a real, or a fictitious name?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Now I recollect, Madam, there is a young -woman, in the house, where my Lady <em>Wronghead</em> -lodges, that I heard somebody call <em>Myrtilla</em>: This letter -may be written by her——but how it came directed -to me, I confess is a mystery; that before I ever presume -to see your Ladyship again, I think myself oblig'd, -in Honour to find out.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Going.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Mr. <em>Manly</em>——you are not going?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> 'Tis but to the next street, Madam; I shall be -back in ten minutes.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Nay! but dinner's just coming up.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Madam, I can neither eat, nor rest, till I see -an end of this affair!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> But this is so odd! why should any silly -curiosity of mine drive you away?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Since you won't suffer it to be yours, Madam; -then it shall be only to satisfy my own curiosity——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Manly</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Well——and now, what am I to think -of all this? Or suppose an indifferent person had heard -every word we have said to one another, what would -they have thought on't? Would it have been very -absurd to conclude, he is seriously inclined to pass the -rest of his life with me?——I hope not——for -I am sure, the case is terribly clear on my side! and -why may not I, without vanity, suppose my——unaccountable -somewhat——has done as much execution -upon him?——why——because he never told me -so——nay, he has not so much as mentioned the word -Love, or ever said one civil thing to my person——well——but -he has said a thousand to my good opinion, -and has certainly got it——had he spoke first to -my person, he had paid a very ill compliment to my -understanding——I should have thought him impertinent, -and never have troubled my head about him; -but as he has manag'd the matter, at least I am sure<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[Pg 283]</a></span> -of one thing; that let his thoughts be what they will, -I shall never trouble my head about any other man, as -long as I live.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Trusty</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Well, Mrs. <em>Trusty</em>, is my sister dress'd yet?</p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> Yes, Madam, but my Lord has been courting -her so, I think, 'till they are both out of humour.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> How so?</p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> Why, it begun, Madam, with his Lordship's -desiring her Ladyship to dine at home to-day——upon -which my Lady said she could not be ready; upon -that, my Lord order'd them to stay the dinner, and -then my Lady order'd the coach; then my Lord took -her short, and said, he had order'd the coachman to -set up: Then my Lady made him a great curt'sy, and -said, she would wait 'till his Lordship's horses had -din'd, and was mighty pleasant: But for fear of the -worst, Madam, she whisper'd me——to get her chair -ready.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Trusty</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> O! here they come; and, by their looks, -seem a little unfit for company.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Lady <span class="antiqua">Grace</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Townly</span>, Lord <span class="antiqua">Townly</span> following.</em> -</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Well! look you, my Lord; I can bear -it no longer! nothing still but about my faults, my -faults! an agreeable subject truly!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Why, Madam, if you won't hear of -them; how can I ever hope to see you mend them?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Why, I don't intend to mend them——I -can't mend them——you know I have try'd to do it an -hundred times, and—it hurts me so—I can't bear it!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> And I, Madam, can't bear this daily -licentious abuse of your time and character.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Abuse! Astonishing! when the Universe -knows, I am never better company, than when I am -doing what I have a mind to! But to see this world! -that Men can never get over that silly spirit of contradiction——why -but last <em>Thursday</em> now——there -you wisely amended one of my faults as you call them——you -insisted upon my not going to the Masquerade<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[Pg 284]</a></span>——and -pray, what was the consequence! was not I as -cross as the Devil, all the night after? was not I forc'd -to get company at home! and was not it almost three -o'clock in the morning, before I was able to come to -myself again? and then the fault is not mended neither,——for -next time, I shall only have twice the inclination -to go: so that all this mending, and mending, -you see, is but dearning an old ruffle, to make it worse -than it was before.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Well, the manner of womens living, of -late, is insupportable; and one way or other——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> It's to be mended, I suppose! why so it -may; but then, my dear Lord, you must give one -time——and when things are at worst, you know, -they may mend themselves! ha! ha!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Madam, I am not in a humour, now, -to trifle.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Why then, my Lord, one word of fair -argument—to talk with you, your own way now——You -complain of my late hours, and I of your early -ones——so far are we even, you'll allow——but pray -which gives us the best figure in the eye of the polite -world? my active, spirited three in the Morning, or -your dull, drowsy eleven at Night? Now, I think, one -has the air of a Woman of Quality, and t'other of a -plodding Mechanic, that goes to bed betimes, that he -may rise early, to open his shop!—--Faugh!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Fy, fy, Madam! is this your way of -reasoning? 'tis time to wake you then——'tis not -your ill hours alone, that disturb me, but as often the -ill company that occasion those ill Hours.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Sure I don't understand you now, my -Lord; what ill company do I keep?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Why, at best, women that lose their money, -and men that win it! Or, perhaps, men that are -voluntary bubbles at one game, in hopes a Lady will -give them fair play at another. Then that unavoidable -mixture with known rakes, conceal'd thieves, and -Sharpers in embroidery——or what, to me, is still -more shocking, that herd of familiar chattering crop-ear'd -Coxcombs, who are so often like Monkeys, there<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[Pg 285]</a></span> -would be no knowing them asunder, but that their tails -hang from their head, and the monkey's grows where -it should do.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> And a Husband must give eminent proof -of his sense, that thinks their powder-puffs dangerous.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Their being fools, Madam, is not always -the Husband's security: Or if it were, fortune, sometimes, -gives them advantages might make a thinking -woman tremble.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> What do you mean!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> That Women, sometimes, lose more than -they are able to pay; and if a creditor be a little pressing, -the Lady may be reduc'd to try if, instead of gold, -the Gentleman will accept of a trinket.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> My Lord you grow scurrilous; you'll -make me hate you. I'll have you to know, I keep -company with the politest people in town, and the -Assemblies I frequent are full of such.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> So are the Churches——now and then.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> My friends frequent them too, at well as -the Assemblies.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Yes, and would do it oftner, if a groom -of the chambers there were allowed to furnish cards to -the company.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> I see what you drive at all this while; -you would lay an imputation on my fame, to cover -your own avarice! I might take any pleasures I find, -that were not expensive.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Have a care, Madam; don't let me -think you only value your chastity, to make me reproachable -for not indulging you in every thing else, -that's vicious——I, Madam, have a reputation too, to -guard, that's dear to me, as yours——The follies of -an ungovern'd wife may make the wisest man uneasy; but -'tis his own fault, if ever they make him contemptible.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> My Lord——you would make a woman -mad!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> You'd make a man a fool.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> If Heav'n has made you otherwise, that -won't be in my power.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Whatever may be in your inclination,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[Pg 286]</a></span> -Madam; I'll prevent you making me a Beggar at least.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> A Beggar! <em>Crœsus</em>! I'm out of Patience! -I won't come home 'till four to-morrow morning.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> That may be, Madam; but I'll order -the doors to be lock'd at twelve.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Then I won't come home 'till to-morrow -night.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Then, Madam;——You shall never come -home again.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Lord <span class="antiqua">Town</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> What does he mean! I never heard such -a word from him in my life before! the Man always -us'd to have manners in his worst humours! there's -something, that I don't see, at the bottom of all this——but -his head's always upon some impracticable -scheme or other, so I won't trouble mine any longer -about him. Mr. <em>Manly</em>, your Servant.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Manly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I ask pardon for my intrusion, Madam; but I -hope my business with my Lord will excuse it.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> I believe you'll find him in the next -room, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Will you give me leave, Madam?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Sir——you have my leave, tho' you -were a lady.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] What a well bred age do we live in?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Manly</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Grace</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> O! my dear Lady <em>Grace</em>! how could -you leave me so unmercifully alone all this while?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> I thought my Lord had been with you.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Why yes——and therefore I wanted your -relief; for he has been in such a fluster here——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Bless me! for what?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Only our usual breakfast; we have each -of us had our dish of Matrimonial Comfort, this morning! -we have been charming company!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> I am mighty glad of it! sure it must be -a vast happiness, when a Man and a Wife can give -themselves the same turn of conversation!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[Pg 287]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> O! the prettiest thing in the world!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Now I should be afraid, that where two -people are every day together so, they must often be in -want of something to talk upon.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> O my Dear, you are the most mistaken -in the world! married people have things to talk of, -child, that never enter into the imagination of others.——Why, -here's my Lord and I now, we have not -been married above two short years, you know, and we -have already eight or ten things constantly in bank, that -whenever we want company, we can take up any one -of them for two hours together, and the subject never -the flatter; nay, if we have occasion for it, it will be -as fresh next day too, as it was the first hour it entertain'd -us.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Certainly that must be vastly pretty.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> O! there's no life like it! why t'other -day for example, when you din'd abroad; my Lord -and I, after a pretty chearful <em>tête à tête</em> meal, sat us -down by the fire-side, in an easy indolent, pick-tooth -way, for about a quarter of an hour, as if we had -not thought of any other's being in the room——at -last, stretching himself, and yawning——My Dear, -says he,——aw——you came home very late, last -night——'Twas but just turn'd of Two, says I——I -was in bed—aw——by eleven, says he; so you are -every night, says I——Well, says he, I am amazed -you can sit up so late——How can you be amaz'd, says -I, at a thing that happens so often?——upon which -we enter'd into a conversation——and tho' this is a -point has entertain'd us above fifty times already, we always -find so many pretty new things to say upon it, -that I believe in my soul, it will last as long as we live.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> But pray! in such sort of family dialogues -(tho' extremely well for passing the time) don't -there, now and then, enter some little witty sort of bitterness?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> O yes! which does not do amiss at all! -A smart repartee, with a zest of recrimination at the -head of it, makes the prettiest sherbet; Ay, ay! if -we did not mix a little of the acid with it, a matri<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[Pg 288]</a></span>monial -Society would be so luscious, that nothing but -an old liquorish prude would be able to bear it.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Well,——certainly you have the most -elegant taste——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Tho' to tell you the truth, my Dear, I -rather think we squeez'd a little too much lemon into -it, this bout; for it grew so sour at last, that—I think——I -almost told him, he was a fool——and he -again——talk'd something oddly of——turning me -out of doors.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> O! have a care of that!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Nay, if he should, I may thank my own -wise father for that——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> How so?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Why——when my good Lord first -open'd his honourable trenches before me, my unaccountable -Papa, in whose hands I then was, gave me -up at discretion.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> How do you mean?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> He said, the wives of this age were come -to that pass, that he would not desire even his own -Daughter should be trusted with pin-money; so that my -whole train of separate inclinations are left entirely at -the mercy of an husband's odd humours.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Why, that, indeed, is enough to make -a woman of spirit look about her!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Nay, but to be serious; my Dear; what -would you really have a woman do in my case?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Why——If I had a sober husband as -you have, I would make myself the happiest wife in -the world by being as sober as he.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> O! you wicked thing! how can you teize -one at this rate? when you know he is so very sober, -that (except giving me money) there is not one thing -in the world he can do to please me! And I at the same -time, partly by nature, and partly, perhaps, by keeping -the best company, do with my soul love almost every -thing he hates! I dote upon assemblies! my heart -bounds at a ball; and at an Opera——I expire! then -I love play to distraction! Cards inchant me! and Dice—put -me out of my little wits! Dear! dear Hazard!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[Pg 289]</a></span> -oh! what a flow of spirits it gives one! do you never -play at hazard, child?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Oh! never! I don't think it fits well upon -women; there is something so masculine, so much -the air of a rake in it! you see how it makes the men -swear and curse! and when a woman is thrown into the -same passion——why——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> That's very true! one is a little put to it, -sometimes, not to make use of the same words to express -it.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Well——and, upon ill luck, pray what -words are you really forc'd to make use of?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Why upon a very hard case, indeed, -when a sad wrong word is rising, just to one's tongue's -end, I give a great gulp——and swallow it.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Well——and is not that enough to -make you forswear play, as long as you live?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> O yes! I have forsworn it.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Seriously?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Solemnly! a thousand times; but then -one is constantly forsworn.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> And how can you answer that?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> My dear, what we say, when we are -losers, we look upon to be no more binding than a lover's -oath, or a great man's promise. But I beg pardon, -child; I should not lead you so far into the world; you -are a prude, and design to live soberly.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Why, I confess my nature, and my education -do, in a good degree, incline me that way.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Well! how a woman of spirit, (for you -don't want that, child) can dream of living soberly, is -to me inconceivable! for you will marry I suppose.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> I can't tell but I may.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> And won't you live in town?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Half the year, I should like it very well.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> My stars! and you would really live in -London half the year to be sober in it!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Why not?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Why can't you as well go, and be sober -in the country?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> So I would——t'other half year.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[Pg 290]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> And pray what comfortable scheme of -life would you form now, for your summer and winter -sober entertainments?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> A scheme, that I think might very well -content us.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> O! of all things let's hear it.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Why, in summer, I cou'd pass my leisure -hours in riding, in reading, walking by a canal, -or sitting at the end of it under a great tree; in dressing, -dining, chatting with an agreeable friend, perhaps -hearing a little music, taking a dish of tea, or a -game of cards soberly! managing my family, looking -into its accounts, playing with my children (if I -had any) or in a thousand other innocent amusements——soberly! -and possibly, by these means, -I might induce my husband to be as sober as myself——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Well, my dear, thou art an astonishing -creature! for sure such primitive antediluvian notions -of life, have not been in any head these thousand years——Under -a great tree! O my soul!—--But I beg -we may have the sober town scheme too——for I am -charmed with the country one!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> You shall, and I'll try to stick to my -sobriety there too.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Well, tho' I'm sure it will give me the -vapours, I must hear it however.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Why then, for fear of your fainting, -madam, I will first so far come into the fashion, that -I would never be dressed out of it——but still it -should be soberly. For I can't think it any disgrace -to a woman of my private fortune, not to wear her -lace as fine as a wedding-suit of a first Dutchess. -Tho' there is one extravagance I would venture to come -up to.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Ay, now for it——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> I would every day be as clean as a -bride.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Why the men say, that's a great step to -be made one——Well now you are drest——pray let's -see to what purpose.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[Pg 291]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> I would visit—that is, my real friends; -but as little for form as possible.——I would go to -court; sometimes to an assembly, nay, play at <em>quadrille</em>——soberly; -I would see all the good plays; and, -(because 'tis the fashion) now and then an opera——but -I would not expire there, for fear I should never go -again: and lastly, I can't say, but for curiosity, if I -lik'd my company, I might be drawn in once to a masquerade! -And this, I think, is as far at any woman -can go——soberly.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Well! if it had not been for that last -piece of sobriety, I was just going to call for some surfeit -water.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Why, don't you think, with the farther -aid of breakfasting, dining, taking the air, supping, -sleeping, not to say a word of devotion, the four and -twenty hours might roll over in a tolerable manner?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Tolerable? deplorable! Why, child, -all you propose, is but to endure life, now I want to -enjoy it——</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Trusty</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Trus.</em> Madam, your Ladyship's chair is ready.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Have the Footmen their white flambeaux -yet? for last night I was poison'd.</p> - -<p><em>Trus.</em> Yes, madam: there were some come in this -morning.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Trusty</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> My dear, you will excuse me; but you -know my time is so precious——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> That I beg I may not hinder your least -enjoyment of it.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> You will call on me at Lady <em>Revel</em>'s?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Certainly.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> But I am so afraid it will break into your -scheme, my dear!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> When it does, I will——soberly break -from you.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Why then 'till we meet again, dear sister, -I wish you all tolerable happiness.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[Pg 292]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Lady <span class="antiqua">Town</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> There she goes—dash! into her stream -of pleasures! poor woman! she is really a fine creature! -and sometimes infinitely agreeable! nay, take her -out of the madness of this town, rational in her notions, -and easy to live with: but she is so borne down -by this torrent of vanity in vogue, she thinks every -hour of her life is lost that she does not lead at the -head of it. What it will end in, I tremble to imagine——Ha! -my brother, and <em>Manly</em> with him! -I guess what they have been talking of——I shall hear -it in my turn, I suppose, but it won't become me to be -inquisitive.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Lady <span class="antiqua">Grace</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lord <span class="antiqua">Townly</span> and <span class="antiqua">Manly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> I did not think my Lady <em>Wronghead</em> had -such a notable brain: tho' I can't say she was so very -wise, in trusting this silly girl you call <em>Myrtilla</em>, with the -secret.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> No, my Lord, you mistake me, had the girl -been in the secret, perhaps I had never come at it myself.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Why I thought you said the girl writ -this letter, to you, and that my Lady <em>Wronghead</em> sent it -inclos'd to my sister?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> If you please to give me leave, my Lord——the -fact is thus.—This inclos'd letter to Lady <em>Grace</em> -was a real original one, written by this girl, to the -Count we have been talking of: the Count drops it, -and my Lady <em>Wronghead</em> finds it: then only changing -the cover, she seals it up as a letter of business, just -written by herself, to me: and pretending to be in a -hurry, gets this innocent girl to write the direction, -for her.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Oh! then the girl did not know she was -superscribing a billet-doux of her own to you?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> No, my Lord; for when I first question'd her -about the direction, she own'd it immediately: but -when I shew'd her that the letter to the Count was -within it, and told her how it came into my hands, -the poor creature was amazed and thought herself betray'd -both by the Count and my Lady——in short,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">[Pg 293]</a></span> -upon this discovery the girl and I grew so gracious, -that she has let me into some transactions, in my Lady -<em>Wronghead</em>'s family, which, with my having a careful -eye over them, may prevent the ruin of it.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> You are very generous to be so solicitous -for a Lady that has given you so much uneasiness.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> But I will be most unmercifully reveng'd of her: -for I will do her the greatest friendship in the world——against -her will.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> What an uncommon philosophy art thou -master of? to make even thy malice a virtue?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Yet, my Lord, I assure you, there is no one -action of my life gives me more pleasure than your -approbation of it.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Dear <em>Charles</em>! my heart's impatient, -'till thou art nearer to me: and as a proof that I have -long wished thee so: while your daily conduct has chosen -rather to deserve than ask my sister's favour; I have -been as secretly industrious to make her sensible of -your merit: and since on this occasion you have open'd -your whole heart to me, 'tis now with equal pleasure, -I assure you, we have both succeeded——she is as -firmly yours——</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Impossible! you flatter me!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> I am glad you think it flattery: but she -herself shall prove it none: she dines with us alone: -when the servants are withdrawn, I'll open a conversation, -that shall excuse my leaving you together—<em>O! -Charles!</em> had I, like thee, been cautious in my choice, -what melancholy hours had this heart avoided!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> No more of that, I beg, my Lord——</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> But 'twill, at least, be some relief to my -anxiety (however barren of content the state has been -to me) to see so near a friend and sister happy in it: -your harmony of life will be an instance how much the -choice of temper is preferable to beauty.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">While your soft hours in mutual kindness move,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You'll reach by virtue what I lost by love.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">[Pg 294]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_IV_SCENE_I5" id="ACT_IV_SCENE_I5"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> IV. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - -<p class="directcenter"><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Mrs.</em> Motherly's <em>House</em>. -</p> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Motherly</span>, meeting <span class="antiqua">Myrtilla</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">S</span>o</span>, niece! where is it possible you can have been -these six hours?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> O! Madam! I have such a terrible story to tell -you!</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> A story! ods my life! what have you done -with the Count's note of five hundred pounds I sent you -about? is it safe? is it good? is it security?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Yes, yes, it is safe: but for its goodness——mercy -on us! I have been in a fair way to be hang'd -about it.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> The dickens! has the rogue of a Count play'd -us another trick then?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> You shall hear, Madam; when I came to Mr. -<em>Cash</em>, the Banker's, and shewed him his note for five -hundred pounds, payable to the Count, or order, in two -months—he looked earnestly upon it, and desired me -to step into the inner room, while he examined his -books——after I had staid about ten minutes, he came -in to me——claps to the door, and charges me with -a constable for forgery.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Ah poor soul! and how didst thou get off?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> While I was ready to sink in this condition, I -begg'd him to have a little patience, 'till I could send -for Mr. <em>Manly</em>, whom he knew to be a gentleman of -worth and honour, and who, I was sure, would convince -him, whatever fraud might be in the note, that I -was myself an innocent abus'd woman——and -as good luck would have it, in less than half an -hour Mr. <em>Manly</em> came——so, without mincing the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">[Pg 295]</a></span> -matter, I fairly told him upon what design the Count -had lodg'd that note in your hands, and in short, laid -open the whole scheme he had drawn us into, to make -our fortune.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> The devil you did!</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Why how do you think it was possible I could -any otherwise make Mr. <em>Manly</em> my friend, to help me -out of the scrape I was in? To conclude, he soon made -Mr. <em>Cash</em> easy, and sent away the Constable; nay farther -promis'd me, if I would trust the note in his -hands, he would take care it should be be fully paid before -it was due, and at the same time would give -me an ample revenge upon the Count; so that all -you have to consider now, Madam, is, whether you -think yourself safer in the Count's hands, or Mr. -<em>Manly</em>'s.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Nay, nay, child; there is no choice in the -matter! Mr. <em>Manly</em> may be a friend indeed, if any -thing in our power can make him so.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Well, madam, and now pray how stand matters -at home here? What has the Count done with the -ladies?</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Why every thing he has a mind to do, by this -time, I suppose. He is in as high favour with Miss, as -he is with my Lady.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Pray, where are the ladies?</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Rattling abroad in their own coach, and the -well-bred Count along with them: they have been -scouring all the shops in town over, buying fine things -and new clothes from morning to night: they have -made one voyage already, and have brought home such -a cargo of bawbles and trumpery——mercy on the -poor man that's to pay for them!</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Did not the young Squire go with them!</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> No, no; Miss said, truly he would but disgrace -their party: so they even left him asleep by the kitchen -fire.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Has he not asked after me all this while? for I -had a sort of an assignation with him.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> O yes! he has been in a bitter taking about -it. At last his disappointment grew so uneasy, that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">[Pg 296]</a></span> -he fairly fell a crying; so to quiet him, I sent one of -the maids and <em>John Moody</em> abroad with him to shew -him——the lions and the Monument. Ods me! -there he is, just come home again——you may have -business with him——so I'll even turn you together.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Squire <span class="antiqua">Richard</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Soah! soah! Mrs. <em>Myrtilla</em>, where han -yow been aw this day, forsooth?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Nay, if you go to that, Squire, where have -you been, pray?</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Rich. Why, when I fun' at yow were no loikly -to come whoam, I were ready to hong my sel——so -<em>John Moody</em>, and I, and one o' your lasses have been——Lord -knows where——a seeing o' the soights.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Well and pray what have you seen, Sir?</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Flesh! I cawnt tell, not I——seen every -thing I think. First there we went o' top o' the what -d'ye call it? there, the great huge stone post, up the -rawnd and rawnd stairs, that twine and twine about, -just an as thof it were a cork screw.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> O, the Monument! well, and was it not a fine -sight from the top of it?</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Sight, Miss! I know no'—I saw nowght -but smoak and brick housen, and steeple tops——then -there was such a mortal ting-tang of bells, and -rumbling of carts and coaches, and then the folks -under one look'd so small, and made such a hum, and -a buz, it put me in mind of my mother's great glass -bee-hive in our garden in the country.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> I think, Master, you give a very good account -of it.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Ay! but I did no like it: for my head—my -head—began to turn——so I trundled me dawn -stairs ugain like a round trencher.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Well! but this was not all you saw, I suppose?</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Noa! noa! we went after that and saw the -lions, and I lik'd them better by hawlf; they are -pure grim devils; hoh, hoh! I touke a stick, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">[Pg 297]</a></span> -gave one of them such a poke o' the noase——I believe -he would ha' snapt my head off, an he could ha' -got me. Hoh! hoh! hoh!</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Well, Master, when you and I go abroad, I'll -shew you prettier sights than these——there's a masquerade -to-morrow.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> O laud! ay! they say that's a pure thing -for <em>Merry Andrews</em>, and those sort of comical mummers——and -the Count tells me, that there lads and -lasses may jig their tails, and eat, and drink, without -grudging, all night-lung.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> What would you say now, if I should get you a -ticket and go along with you?</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Ah dear!</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> But have a care, Squire, the fine ladies there -are terribly tempting; look well to your heart, or ads -me! they'll whip it up in the trip of a minute.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Ay, but they can't thoa——soa let 'um -look to themselves, an' ony of 'um falls in love with me—mayhap -they had as good be quiet.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Why sure you would not refuse a fine lady, -would you?</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Ay, but I would tho' unless it were—one -at I know of.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Oh! oh! then you have left your heart in the -country, I find?</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Noa, noa, my heart——eh——my -heart e'nt awt o' this room.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> I am glad you have it about you, however.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Nay, mahap not soa neather, somebody -else may have it, 'at you little think of.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> I can't imagine what you mean!</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Noa! why doan't you know how many -folks there is in this room, naw?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Very fine, Master, I see you have learnt the -town gallantry already.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Why doan't you believe 'at I have a kindness -for you then?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Fy! fy! Master, how you talk! beside you are -too young to think of a wife.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">[Pg 298]</a></span> -Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Ay but I caunt help thinking o' yow, -for all that.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> How! why sure, Sir, you don't pretend to think -of me in a dishonourable way?</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Nay, that's as you see good——I did no' -think 'at you would ha' thowght of me for a husband, -mayhap; unless I had means in my own hands; and -feyther allows me but half a crown a week, as yet a -while.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Oh! when I like any body, 'tis not want of -money will make me refuse them.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Well, that's just my mind now; for 'an -I like a girl, Miss, I would take her in her smuck.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Ay, Master, now you speak like a man of honour: -this shews something of a true heart in you.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Ay, and a true heart you'll find me; try -me when you will.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Hush! hush! here's your papa come home, and -my aunt with him.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> A devil rive 'em, what do they come naw -for?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> When you and I get to the masquerade, you shall -see what I'll say to you.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Well, hands upon't then——</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> There——</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> One buss and a bargain.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Kisses her.</em></p> - -<p>Ads wauntlikins! as soft and plump as a marrow-pudding.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt severally.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Sir <span class="antiqua">Francis Wronghead</span> and Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Motherly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> What! my wife and daughter abroad say -you?</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> O dear Sir, they have been mighty busy all -the day long; they just came home to snap up a short -dinner, and so went out again.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Well, well, I shan't stay supper for 'em, I -can tell 'em that: For ods-heart! I have had nothing in -me, but a toast and a tankard, since morning.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> I am afraid, Sir, these late Parliament hours -won't agree with you.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_299" id="Page_299">[Pg 299]</a></span></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why, truly, Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>, they don't do -right with us country gentlemen; to lose one meal out of -three, is a hard tax upon a good stomach.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> It is so indeed, Sir.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> But, hawsomever, Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>, when we -consider, that what we suffer is for the good of our -country——</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Why truly, Sir, that is something.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Oh! there's a great deal to be said for't—the -good of one's country is above all things——A -true hearted <em>Englishman</em> thinks nothing too much for it——I -have heard of some honest gentlemen so very -zealous, that for the good of their country——they -would sometimes go to dinner at midnight.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> O! the goodness of 'em! sure their country -must have vast esteem for them?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> So they have Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>; they are so -respected when they come home to their Boroughs, -after a session, and so belov'd——that their country -will come and dine with them every day in the -week.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Dear me! what a fine thing it is to be so populous?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> It is a great comfort, indeed! and I can -assure you you are a good sensible woman, Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> O dear Sir, your Honour's pleas'd to compliment.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> No, no, I see you know how to value people -of consequence.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Good lack! here's company, Sir; will you -give me leave to get you a little something 'till the ladies -come home, Sir?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why troth, I don't think it would be -amiss.</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> It shall be done in a moment, Sir.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mr. <span class="antiqua">Manly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Sir <em>Francis</em>, your servant.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Cousin <em>Manly</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I am come to see how the family goes on here.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_300" id="Page_300">[Pg 300]</a></span></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Troth! all as busy as bees; I have been -upon the wing ever since eight o'clock this morning.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> By your early hour, then, I suppose you -have been making your court to some of the great -men.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why, faith! you have hit it, Sir——I -was advised to lose no time: so I e'en went straight -forward, to one great man I had never seen in my life -before.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Right! that was doing business: but who had -you got to introduce you?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why, no body——I remember'd I had -heard a wise man say—My son be bold—so troth! I -introduced myself.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> As how, pray?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why, thus——look ye——please your -Lordship, says I, I am Sir <em>Francis Wronghead</em> of <em>Bumper-hall</em>, -and member of Parliament for the borough of -<em>Guzzledown</em>——Sir, your humble servant, says my -Lord; thof I have not the honour to know your person, -I have heard you are a very honest gentleman, and -am glad your Borough has made choice of so worthy -a representative; and so, says he, Sir <em>Francis</em>, have you -any service to command me? Naw, cousin! those -last words, you may be sure gave me no small encouragement. -And thof I know, Sir, you have no extraordinary -opinion of my parts, yet I believe, you won't -say I mist it naw!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Well, I hope I shall have no cause.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> So when I found him so courteous——My -Lord, says I, I did not think to ha' troubled your -Lordship with business upon my first visit: but since your -Lordship is pleas'd not to stand upon ceremony——why -truly, says I, I think naw is as good as another -time.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Right! there you push'd him home.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ay, ay, I had a mind to let him see that I -was none of your mealy-mouth'd ones.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Very good!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_301" id="Page_301">[Pg 301]</a></span></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> So in short, my Lord, says I, I have a good -estate——but——a——it's a little awt at elbows: and -as I desire to serve my King, as well as my country, I -shall be very willing to accept of a place at Court.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> So, this was making short work on't.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> I'cod! I shot him flying, cousin: some of -your hawf-witted ones naw, would ha' humm'd and -haw'd, and dangled a month or two after him, before -they durst open their mouths about a place, and mayhap, -not ha' got it at last neither.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Oh! I'm glad you're so sure on't——</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> You shall hear, cousin——Sir <em>Francis</em>, -says my Lord, pray what sort of a place may you ha' -turn'd your thoughts upon? My Lord, says I, beggars -must not be chusers; but ony a place, says I, about a -thousand a year, will be well enough to be doing with -'till something better falls in—for I thowght it would -not look well to stond haggling with him at first.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> No, no, your business was to get footing any -way.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Right! there's it! ay, cousin, I see you -know the world!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Yes, yes, one sees more of it every day——well! -but what said my Lord to all this?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Sir <em>Francis</em>, says he, I shall be glad to serve -you any way that lies in my power; so gave me a -squeeze by the hond, as much as to say, give yourself -no trouble——I'll do your business; with that he -turn'd him abawt to somebody with a coloured ribbon across -here, that look'd in my thowghts, as if he came -for a place too.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Ha! so, upon these hopes, you are to make -your fortune!</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why, do you think there's ony doubt of -it, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Oh no, I have not the least doubt about it——for -just as you have done, I made my fortune ten years -ago.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why, I never knew you had a place, -cousin.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_302" id="Page_302">[Pg 302]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Nor I neither, upon my faith, cousin. But -you perhaps may have better fortune: for I suppose my -Lord has heard of what importance you were in the debate -to-day——You have been since down at the -house, I presume?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> O yes! I would not neglect the house, for -ever so much.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Well, and pray what have they done there?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why, troth! I can't well tell you, what -they have done, but I can tell you what I did: and I -think pretty well in the main; only I happened to make -a little mistake at last indeed.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> How was that?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why, they were all got there, into a sort -of a puzzling debate, about the good of the nation——and -I were always for that, you know——but in -short, the arguments were so long winded o' both sides, -that, waunds! I did no well understand 'em, hawsomever, -I was convinc'd, and so resolved to vote right, -according to my conscience——so when they came to -put the question, as they call it,——I don't know haw -'twas——but I doubt I cry'd ay! when I should ha' -cry'd no!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> How came that about?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why, by a mistake, as I tell you——for -there was a good-humour'd sort of a gentleman, one -Mr. <em>Totherside</em> I think they call him, that sat next me, -as soon as I had cry'd ay! gives me a hearty shake by -the hand! Sir says he, you are a man of honour, and a -true <em>Englishman</em>! and I should be proud to be better acquainted -with you——and so with that, he takes me -by the sleeve, along with the crowd into the lobby, -so, I knew nowght——but ods-flesh! I was got o' -the wrung side the post—for I were told, afterwards, -I should have staid where I was.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> And so, if you had not quite made your fortune -before, you have clench'd it now!—--Ah! thou -head of the <em>Wrongheads</em>.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Odso! here's my lady come home at last——I -hope, cousin, you will be so kind, as to take -a family supper with us?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_303" id="Page_303">[Pg 303]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Another time, Sir <em>Francis</em>; but to-night I am -engaged!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Wronghead</span>, Miss <span class="antiqua">Jenny</span>, and Count <span class="antiqua">Basset</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Cousin! your servant; I hope you will -pardon my rudeness: but we have really been in such a -continual hurry here, that we have not had a leisure -moment to return your last visit.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> O Madam! I am a man of no ceremony; you -see that has not hindered my coming again.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> You are infinitely obliging; but I'll redeem -my credit with you.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> At your own time, Madam.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> I must say that for Mr. <em>Manly</em>, madam; if -making people easy is the rule of good-breeding, he is -certainly the best bred man in the world.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Soh! I am not to drop my acquaintance, I -find—[<em>Aside.</em>] I am afraid, Sir, I shall grow vain upon -your good opinion.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> I don't know that, Sir; but I am sure, -what you are pleas'd to say, makes me so.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> The most impudent modesty that ever I met -with.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Lard! how ready his wit is?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<div class="left"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Apart"> - <tr> - <td>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Don't you think, Sir, the Count's a very fine gentleman?</td> - <td rowspan="0" class="bl tdr"><em>Apart.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Man.</em> O! among the ladies, certainly.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Sir <em>Fran.</em> And yet he's as stout as a lion: waund, he'll storm any thing.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Man.</em> Will he so? Why then, Sir, take care of your citadel.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ah! you are wag, cousin.</td> - </tr> -</table></div> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I hope, Ladies, the town air continues to agree -with you?</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> O! perfectly well, Sir! We have been abroad -in our new coach all day long——and we have -bought an ocean of fine things. And to-morrow we -go to the masquerade! and on Friday to the play! -and on Saturday to the opera! and on Sunday we are -to be at what d'ye call it—assembly, and see the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_304" id="Page_304">[Pg 304]</a></span> -ladies play at quadrille, and piquet and ombre, and -hazard, and basset, and on <em>Monday</em>, we are to see the -King! and so on <em>Tuesday</em>——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Hold, hold, Miss! you must not let -your tongue run so fast, child——you forgot! you -know I brought you hither to learn modesty.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Yes, yes! and she is improved with a vengeance—</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> Lawrd! Mama, I am sure I did not say any -harm! and if one must not speak in ones turn, one -may be kept under as long as one lives, for ought I -see.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> O! my conscience, this girl grows so -headstrong——</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ay, ay, there's your fine growing spirit for -you! Now tack it dawn, an' you can.</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> All I said, Papa, was only to entertain my -cousin <em>Manly</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> My pretty dear, I am mightily obliged to you.</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> Look you there now, Madam.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Hold your tongue, I say.</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> [<em>Turning away and glowting.</em>] I declare it, I -won't bear it: she is always snubbing me before you, -Sir!—--I know why she does it well enough——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside to the Count.</em></p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Hush! hush, my dear! don't be uneasy -at that! she'll suspect us.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> Let her suspect, what do I care——I don't -know, but I have as much reason to suspect, as she—tho' -perhaps I'm not so afraid of her.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] I'gad, if I don't keep a tight -hand on my tit here, she'll run away with my project -before I can bring it to bear.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Perpetually hanging upon him! -The young harlot is certainly in love with him; but I -must not let them see I think so——and yet I can't bear -it: Upon my life, Count, you'll spoil that forward -girl——you should not encourage her so.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Pardon me, Madam, I was only advising -her to observe what your Ladyship said to her.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_305" id="Page_305">[Pg 305]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Yes, truly, her observations have been something -particular.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<div class="left"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Apart"> - <tr> - <td>Count <em>Bas.</em> In one word, Madam, she has a - jealousy of your Ladyship, and I am forc'd to - encourage her, to blind it; 'twill be better to - take no notice of her behaviour to me.</td> - <td rowspan="0" class="bl tdr"><em>Apart.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> You are right, I will be more cautious.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Count <em>Bas.</em> To-morrow at the masquerade, we may lose her.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> We shall be observ'd. I'll send - you a note, and settle that affair——go on - with the girl, and don't mind me.</td> - </tr> -</table></div> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> I have been taking your part, my little -angel.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> <em>Jenny</em>! come hither, child——you -must not be so hasty my dear——I only advise you for -your good.</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> Yes, Mama; but when I am told of a thing -before company it always makes me worse, you -know.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> If I have any skill in the fair sex; Miss, and -her Mama, have only quarrel'd, because they are both -of a mind. This facetious Count seems to have made a -very genteel step into the family.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Myrtilla</span>.</em> [<em><span class="antiqua">Manly</span> talks apart with her.</em>] -</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Well, Sir <em>Francis</em>, and what news have -you brought us from <em>Westminster</em>, to-day?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> News, Madam? I'cod! I have some——and -such as does not come every day, I can tell you——a -word in your ear——I have got a promise of a -place at Court of a thousand pawnd a year already.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Have you so, Sir? And pray who may -you thank for't? Now! who is in the right? Is not this -better than throwing so much away, after a stinking -pack of fox-hounds, in the country? Now your family -may be the better for it!</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Nay! that's what persuaded me to come up, -my Dove.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_306" id="Page_306">[Pg 306]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Mighty well—come——let me have -another hundred pound then.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Another! child? Waunds! you have had -one hundred this morning, pray what's become of that, -my dear?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> What's become of it? why I'll shew -you, my Love! Jenny! have you the bills about you?</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> Yes, Mama.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> What's become of it? Why laid out, my -dear, with fifty more to it, that I was forced to borrow -of the Count here.</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> Yes, indeed, Papa, and that would hardly do -neither—There's th' account.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> [<em>Turning over the bills.</em>] Let's see! let's see! -what the devil have we got here?</p> - -<div class="left"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Apart"> - <tr> - <td><em>Man.</em> Then you have sounded your aunt you - say, and she readily comes into all I propos'd - to you?</td> - <td rowspan="0" class="bl tdr"><em>Apart.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Myr.</em> Sir, I'll answer, with my life, she is - most thankfully yours in every article: she - mightily desires to see you, Sir.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Man.</em> I am going home directly; bring - her to my house in half an hour; and if she - makes good what you tell me, you shall both - find your account in it.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Myr.</em> She shall not fail you.</td> - </tr> -</table></div> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ods-life, Madam, here's nothing but toys -and trinkets, and fans, and clock stockings, by whole-sale.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> There's nothing but what's proper, and -for your credit, Sir <em>Francis</em>——Nay you see I am so -good a housewife, that in necessaries for myself I have -scarce laid out a shilling.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> No, by my troth, so it seems; for the -devil o' one thing's here, that I can see you have any -occasion for!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> My dear! do you think I came hither -to live out of the fashion? why, the greatest distinction -of a fine lady in this town is in the variety of pretty -things she has no occasion for.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_307" id="Page_307">[Pg 307]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> Sure, Papa, could you imagine, that women -of quality wanted nothing but stays and petticoats?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Now, that is so like him!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> So! the family comes on finely.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Lard, if men were always to govern, -what dowdies would they reduce their wives to!</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> An hundred pound in the morning, and -want another before night! waunds and fire! the Lord -Mayor of London could not hold it at this rate!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> O! do you feel it, Sir?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> My dear, you seem uneasy; let me have -the hundred pound, and compose yourself.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Compose the devil, Madam! why do you -consider what a hundred pound a day comes to in a -year?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> My life, if I account with you from -one day to another, that's really all my head is able -to bear at a time——But I'll tell you what I consider——I -consider that my advice has got you a thousand -pound a year this morning——That now methinks -you might consider, Sir.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> A thousand a year? wounds, madam, but -I have not touch'd a penny of it yet!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Nor ever will, I'll answer for him.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Squire <span class="antiqua">Richard</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Feyther an you doan't come quickly, -the meat will be coal'd: and I'd fain pick a bit with -you.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Bless me, Sir <em>Francis!</em> you are not going -to sup by yourself!</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> No, but I am going to dine by myself, and -that's pretty near the matter, Madam.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Had not you as good stay a little, my -dear? we shall all eat in half an hour; and I was thinking -to ask my cousin <em>Manly</em> to take a family morsel with -us.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Nay, for my cousin's good company, I -don't care if I ride a day's journey without baiting.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> By no means, Sir <em>Francis</em>. I am going upon -a little business.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_308" id="Page_308">[Pg 308]</a></span></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Well, Sir, I know you don't love compliments.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> You'll excuse me, Madam——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Since you have business, Sir——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Manly</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Motherly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>O, Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>! you were saying this morning, you -had some very fine lace to shew me——can't I see it -now?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Sir <span class="antiqua">Francis</span> stares.</em></p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Why, really Madam, I had made a sort of a -promise to let the Countess of <em>Nicely</em> have the first sight -of it for the birth-day: but your Ladyship——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> O! I die if I don't see it before her.</p> - -<div class="left"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Apart"> - <tr> - <td>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Woan't you goa; Feyther?</td> - <td rowspan="0" class="bl tdr"><em>Apart.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Waunds! lad, I shall ha' noa stomach at this rate!</td> - </tr> -</table></div> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Well, Madam, though I say it, 'tis the sweetest -pattern that ever came over——and for fineness——no -cobweb comes up to it!</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ods guts and gizard, Madam! lace as -fine as a cobweb! why, what the devil's that to cost -now?</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Nay, Sir <em>Francis</em> does not like of it, Madam——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> He like it! dear Mrs. Motherly, he is -not to wear it.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Flesh, Madam, but I suppose I am to pay -for it.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> No doubt on't! think of your thousand -a year, and who got it you, go! eat your dinner, and -be thankful, go. [<em>Driving him to the door.</em>] Come, -Mrs. <em>Motherly</em>.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Lady <span class="antiqua">Wronghead</span> with Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Motherly</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Very fine! so here I mun fast, 'till I am -almost famished for the good of my country; while -Madam is laying me out an hundred pounds a day in -lace as fine as a cobweb, for the honour of my family! -ods-flesh; things had need go well at this rate!</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Nay, nay——come, feyther.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_309" id="Page_309">[Pg 309]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Sir <span class="antiqua">Francis</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Motherly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Moth.</em> Madam, my Lady desires you and the Count -will please to come and assist her fancy in some of the -laces.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> We'll wait upon her—</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Motherly</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> So! I told you how it was! you see she can't -bear to leave us together.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> No matter, my dear: you know she has -ask'd me to stay supper: so when your papa and she are -a-bed, Mrs. <em>Myrtilla</em> will let me into the house again; -then you may steal into her chamber, and we'll have a -pretty sneaker of punch together.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Ay, ay, Madam, you may command me any -thing.</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> Well! that will be pure!</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> But you had best go to her alone, my life: -it will look better if I come after you.</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> Ay, so it will: and to-morrow you know at -the masquerade. And then!—--hey! <em>Oh, I'll have a -husband! ay, marry</em>, &c.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit singing.</em></p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> So, Sir! am not I very <em>commode</em> to you?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Well, child, and don't you find your account -in it? did not I tell you we might still be of use -to one another?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Well, but how stands your affair with Miss, in -the main?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> O she's mad for the masquerade! it drives -like a nail, we want nothing now but a parson, to -clinch it. Did not your aunt say she could get one at -a short warning?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Yes, yes, my Lord <em>Townly</em>'s chaplain is her -cousin, you know; he'll do your business and mine, at -the same time.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> O! it's true! but where shall we appoint -him?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Why, you know my Lady <em>Townly</em>'s house is always -open to the masques upon a ball-night, before -they go to the <em>Hay-market</em>.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Good.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_310" id="Page_310">[Pg 310]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Now the Doctor purposes, we should all come -thither in our habits, and when the rooms are full, we -may steal up into his chamber, he says, and there——crack——he'll -give us all canonical commission to go -to bed together.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Admirable! Well, the devil fetch me, if -I shall not be heartily glad to see thee well settled, -child.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> And may the black gentleman tuck me under -his arm at the same time, if I shall not think myself -oblig'd to you, as long as I live.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> One kiss for old acquaintance sake——I'gad -I shall want to be busy again!</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> O you'll have one shortly will find you employment: -but I must run to my squire.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> And I to the ladies——so your humble -servant, sweet Mrs. <em>Wronghead</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Yours, as in duty bound, most noble Count -<em>Basset</em>.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Myr</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Why ay! Count! That title has been -of some use to me indeed! not that I have any more -pretence to it, than I have to a blue ribband. Yet, I have -made a pretty considerable figure in life with it: I have -loll'd in my own chariot, dealt at assemblies, din'd -with Ambassadors, and made one at quadrille, with the -first women of quality——But——<em>Tempora mutantur</em>——since -that damn'd squadron at <em>White</em>'s have left -me out of their last secret, I am reduced to trade upon -my own stock of industry, and make my last push upon -a wife: if my card comes up right (which I think can't -fail) I shall once more cut a figure, and cock my hat -in the face of the best of them! for since our modern -men of fortune are grown wise enough to be sharpers: -I think sharpers are fools that don't take up the airs of -men of quality.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_311" id="Page_311">[Pg 311]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_V_SCENE_I5" id="ACT_V_SCENE_I5"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> V. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - -<p class="directcenter"><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Lord</em> Townly's <em>House</em>. -</p> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Manly</span> and Lady <span class="antiqua">Grace</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">T</span>here</span>'s something, Madam, hangs upon -your mind, to-day: is it unfit to trust me -with it?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Since you will know——my sister -then——unhappy woman!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> What of her?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> I fear is on the brink of ruin!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I am sorry for it——what has happened?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Nothing so very new! but the continual -repetition of it, has at last rais'd my brother to an intemperance -that I tremble at.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Have they had any words upon it?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> He has not seen her since yesterday.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> What, not at home all night!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> About five this morning in she came! -but with such looks, and such an equipage of misfortunes -at her heels——what can become of her?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Has not my lord seen her, say you?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> No! he chang'd his bed last night——I -sat with him alone till twelve, in expectation of -her: but when the clock had struck, he started from his -chair, and grew incens'd to that degree, that had I not, -almost on my knees, dissuaded him, he had ordered -the doors that instant to have been locked against -her.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> How terrible is his situation? when the most -justifiable severities he can use against her, are liable -to be the mirth of all the dissolute card-tables in -town!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_312" id="Page_312">[Pg 312]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> 'Tis that, I know, has made him bear so -long: but you that feel for him, Mr. <em>Manly</em>, will assist -him to support his honour, and, if possible, preserve -his quiet! therefore I beg you don't leave the house, -'till one or both of them can be wrought to better -temper.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> How amiable is this concern, in you!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> For heaven's sake don't mind me, but -think of something to preserve us all.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I shall not take the merit of obeying your commands, -Madam, to serve my Lord——but pray, Madam, -let me into all that has past, since yesternight.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> When my intreaties had prevail'd upon -my Lord, not to make a story for the town, by so -public a violence, as shutting her at once out of his -doors; he order'd the next apartment to my lady's -to be made ready for him——while that was doing——I -try'd by all the little arts I was mistress of, -to amuse him into temper; in short, a silent grief was -all I could reduce him to——on this, we took our -leaves, and parted to our repose: what his was, I -imagine by my own: for I ne'er clos'd my eyes. About -five, as I told you, I heard my lady at the door; so I -slipt on a gown, and sat almost an hour with her in her -own chamber.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> What said she, when she did not find my Lord -there?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> O! so far from being shock'd or alarm'd -at it; that she blest the occasion! and said that in her -condition, the chat of a female friend was far preferable -to the best husband's company in the world.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Where has she spirits to support so much insensibility?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Nay! it's incredible! for though she -had lost every shilling she had in the world, and -stretch'd her credit ev'n to breaking; she rallied her -own follies with such vivacity, and painted the penance, -she knows she must undergo for them, in such ridiculous -lights, that had not my concern for a brother been -too strong for her wit, she had a'most disarm'd my -anger.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_313" id="Page_313">[Pg 313]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Her mind may have another cast by this time: -the most flagrant dispositions have their hours of anguish; -which their pride conceals from company; -but pray, Madam, how could she avoid coming down -to dine?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> O! she took care of that before she went -to bed; by ordering her woman, whenever she was -ask'd for, to say, she was not well.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> You have seen her since she was up, I presume?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Up! I question whether she be awake yet.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Terrible! What a figure does she make now! -That nature should throw away so much beauty upon a -creature, to make such a slatternly use of it!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> O fy! there is not a more elegant beauty -in town, when she's drest.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> In my eye, Madam, she that's early drest, has -ten times her elegance.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> But she won't be long now, I believe: -for I think I see her chocolate going up——Mrs. <em>Trusty</em>,—a -hem!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Trusty</span> comes to the door.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Five o'clock in the afternoon, for a lady -of quality's breakfast, is an elegant hour indeed! which -to shew her more polite way of living too, I presume, -she eats in her bed.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> [<em>To Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Trusty</span>.</em>] And when she is up, -I would be glad she would let me come to her toilet—That's -all, Mrs. <em>Trusty</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> I will be sure to let her ladyship know, Madam.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Trusty</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter a Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Sir <em>Francis Wronghead</em>, Sir, desires to speak -with you.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> He comes unseasonably——what shall I do -with him!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> O see him by all means, we shall have -time enough; in the mean while I'll step in, and have<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_314" id="Page_314">[Pg 314]</a></span> -an eye upon my brother. Nay, nay, don't mind me—have -business.——</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> You must be obey'd——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Retreating while Lady Grace goes out.</em></p> - -<p>Desire <em>Sir Francis</em> to walk in——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit servant.</em></p> - -<p>I suppose by this time his wise worship begins to find, -that the balance of his journey to London is on the wrong -side.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Sir <span class="antiqua">Francis</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Francis</em>, your servant; how came I by the favour of -this extraordinary visit?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ah! cousin!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Why that sorrowful face, man?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> I have no friend alive but you——</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I am sorry for that——but what's the -matter?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> I have play'd the fool by this journey, I -see now——for my bitter wife——</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> What of her?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Is playing the devil!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Why truly, that's a part that most of your fine -ladies begin with, as soon as they get to <em>London</em>.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> If I am a living man, cousin, she has made -away with above two hundred and fifty pounds since -yesterday morning!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Hah! I see a good housewife will do a great -deal of work in a little time.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Work do they call it! fine work indeed!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Well, but how do you mean made away with it? -What, she has laid it out, may be——but I suppose you -have an account of it.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Yes, yes, I have had the account indeed; -but I mun needs say, it's a very sorry one.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Pray, let's hear.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why, first I let her have an hundred and -fifty, to get things handsom about her, to let the world -see that I was somebody! and I thought that sum -very genteel.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_315" id="Page_315">[Pg 315]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Indeed I think so; and in the country, might -have serv'd her a twelvemonth.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why so it might——but here in this -fine tawn, forsooth! it could not get through four and -twenty hours——for in half that time, it was all -squandered away in baubles, and new fashion'd -trumpery.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> O! for ladies in <em>London</em>, Sir <em>Francis</em>, all this -might be necessary.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Noa, theere's the plague on't! the devil -o' one useful thing do I see for it, but two pair of lac'd -shoes, and those stond me in three pound three shillings -a pair too.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Dear Sir! this is nothing! Why we have city -wives here, that while their good man is selling three -penny worth of sugar, will give you twenty pound for -a short apron.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Mercy on us! what a mortal poor devil is -a husband!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Well, but I hope you have nothing else to complain -of?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ah would I could say so too—but there's -another hundred behind yet, that goes more to my heart, -than all that went before it.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> And how might that be disposed of?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Troth I am almost ashamed to tell you.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Out with it.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why she has been at an assembly.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> What, since I saw you! I thought you had all -supt at home last night?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why, so we did——and all as merry as -grigs——I'cod! my heart was so open, that I toss'd -another hundred into her apron, to go out early this -morning with——but the cloth was no sooner taken -away, than in comes my Lady <em>Townly</em> here, (——who -between you and I——mum! has had the devil to pay -yonder——) with another rantipole dame of quality, -and out they must have her, they said, to introduce her -at my Lady <em>Noble</em>'s assembly forsooth——a few words,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_316" id="Page_316">[Pg 316]</a></span> -you may be sure, made the bargain——so, bawnce! -and away they drive as if the devil had got into the -coach box—so about four or five in the morning——home -comes Madam, with her eyes a foot deep in her -head——and my poor hundred pound left behind her -at the hazard-table.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> All lost at dice!</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Every shilling——among a parcel of -pig-tail puppies, and pale fac'd women of quality.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> But pray, Sir <em>Francis</em>, how came you, after you -found her so ill an housewife of one sum, so soon to -trust her with another?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why truly I mun say that was partly my -own fault: for if I had not been a blab of my -tongue, I believe that last hundred might have been -sav'd.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> How so?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why, like an owl as I was, out of goodwill, -forsooth, partly to keep her in humour, I must -needs tell her of the thousand pound a year, I had just -got the promise of—I'cod! she lays her claws upon -it that moment——said it was all owing to her -advice, and truly she would have her share on't.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> What, before you had it yourself?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why ay! that's what I told her——My -dear, said I, mayhap I mayn't receive the first quarter -on't this half year.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Sir <em>Francis</em>, I have heard you with a great -deal of patience, and I really feel compassion for -you.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Truly and well you may cousin, for I -don't see that my wife's goodness is a bit the better, for -bringing to <em>London</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> If you remember I gave you a hint of it.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Why ay, it's true you did so: but the -devil himself could not have believ'd she would have rid -post to him.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Sir, if you stay but a fortnight in this town<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_317" id="Page_317">[Pg 317]</a></span> -you will every day see hundreds as fast upon the gallop, -as she is.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ah! this <em>London</em> is a base place indeed——waunds, -if things should happen to go wrong with me -at <em>Westminster</em>, at this rate, how the devil shall I keep -out of jail!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Why truly, there seems to me but one way to -avoid it.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ah! wou'd you could tell me that, cousin.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> The way lies plain before you, Sir; the same -road that brought you hither will carry you safe home -again.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ods-flesh! cousin, what! and leave a thousand -pound a year behind me?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Pooh! pooh! leave any thing behind you, but -your family, and you are a saver by it.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ay, but consider, cousin, what a scurvy -figure I shall make in the country, if I come dawn -withawt it!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> You will make a much more lamentable figure -in jail without it.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Mayhap 'at yow have no great opinion of it -then, cousin?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Sir <em>Francis</em>, to do you the service of a real -friend, I must speak very plainly to you: you don't yet -see half the ruin that's before you.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Good-lack! how may yow mean, cousin?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> In one word, your whole affairs stand thus——In -a week you'll lose your seat at <em>Westminster</em>: -In a fortnight my lady will run you into jail, -by keeping the best company——In four and -twenty hours, your daughter will run away with a -sharper, because she han't been us'd to better company: -and your son will steal into marriage with a -cast-mistress, because he has not been us'd to any company -at all.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> I'th' name of goodness why should you -think all this?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_318" id="Page_318">[Pg 318]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Because I have proof of it; in short, I know -so much of their secrets, that if all this is not prevented -to-night, it will be out of your power to do it to-morrow -morning.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Mercy upon us! you frighten me——Well, -Sir, I will be govern'd by yow: but what am I -to do in this case?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I have not time here to give you proper instructions; -but about eight this evening, I'll call at your -lodgings; and there you shall have full conviction, how -much I have it at heart to serve you.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter a Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Sir, my Lord desires to speak with you.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I'll wait upon him.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Well then, I'll go straight home, naw.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> At eight depend upon me.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ah! dear cousin! I shall be bound to you -as long as I live. Mercy deliver us! what a terrible -journey have I made on't!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt severally.</em></p> - - -<h4><em>The <span class="gesperrt">SCENE</span> opens to a dressing room. Lady -<span class="antiqua">Townly</span>, as just up, walks to her toilet, leaning -on Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Trusty</span>.</em></h4> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> Dear Madam, what should make your Ladyship -so out of order!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> How is it possible to be well, where one -is kill'd for want of sleep?</p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> Dear me! it was so long before you rung, -Madam, I was in hopes your Ladyship had been finely -compos'd.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Compos'd! why I have laid in an inn -here! this house is worse than an inn with ten stage-coaches! -What between my lord's impertinent people -of business in a morning, and the intolerable thick -shoes of footmen at noon, one has not a wink all -night.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_319" id="Page_319">[Pg 319]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> Indeed, Madam, it's a great pity my Lord -can't be persuaded into the hours of people of quality——Though -I must say that, Madam, your Ladyship -is certainly the best matrimonial manager in -town.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Oh! you are quite mistaken, <em>Trusty</em>! I -manage very ill! for notwithstanding all the power I -have, by never being over-fond of my lord——yet -I want money infinitely oftener than he is willing to -give it me.</p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> Ah, if his lordship could but be brought to -play himself, Madam, then he might feel what it is -to want money.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Oh! don't talk of it! do you know that -I am undone, <em>Trusty</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> Mercy forbid, Madam!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Broke! ruin'd! plunder'd!—--stripp'd, -even to a confiscation of my last guinea.</p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> You don't tell me so, Madam!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Townly.</em> And where to raise ten pound in the -world——What is to be done <em>Trusty</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> Truly, I wish I was wise enough to tell you, -Madam: but may be your ladyship may have a run of -better fortune, upon some of the good company that -comes here to-night.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> But I have not a single guinea to try my -fortune!</p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> Ha! that's a bad business indeed, Madam—Adad! -I have a thought in my head, Madam, if it is -not too late——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Out with it quickly then, I beseech thee?</p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> Has not the steward something of fifty pound, -Madam, that you left in his hands to pay somebody -about this time?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> O! ay! I had forgot—'twas to—a—what's -his filthy name?</p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> Now I remember, Madam, 'twas to Mr. <em>Lutestring</em>, -your old mercer, that your ladyship turn'd off,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_320" id="Page_320">[Pg 320]</a></span> -about a year ago, because he would trust you no -longer.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> The very wretch! if he has not paid it, -run quickly, dear <em>Trusty</em>, and bid him bring it hither -immediately——[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Trusty</span>.</em>] Well! sure mortal -woman never had such fortune! five! five, and -nine, against poor seven for ever!—--No! after -that horrid bar of my chance, that Lady <em>Wronghead</em>'s -fatal red fist upon the table, I saw it was impossible, -ever to win another stake——Sit up all night! -lose all one's money! dream of winning thousands! -wake without a shilling! and then how like a hag -I look! In short——the pleasures of life are not -worth this disorder! If it were not for shame now, I -could almost think, Lady <em>Grace</em>'s sober scheme not -quite so ridiculous——If my wise lord could but -hold his tongue for a week, 'tis odds, but I should hate -the town in a fortnight——But I will not be driven -out of it, that's positive!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Trusty</span> returns.</em></p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> O Madam! there is no bearing it! Mr. -<em>Lutestring</em> was just let in at the door, as I came to the -stair-foot! and the steward is now actually paying him -the money in the hall.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Run to the stair case head, again——and -scream to him, that I must speak with him this instant.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Trusty</span> runs out, and speaks.</em></p> - -<div class="left"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Without"> - <tr> - <td><em>Trusty.</em> Mr. <em>Poundage</em>——a hem! Mr. <em>Poundage</em>, a word with you quickly.</td> - <td rowspan="0" class="bl tdr"><em>Without.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Pound.</em> [<em>Within.</em>] I'll come to you presently.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Trusty.</em> Presently won't do, man, you must come this minute.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Pound.</em> I am but just paying a little money, here.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Trusty.</em> Cods my life! paying money? is the man distracted? come here I tell you, to my lady, this moment, quick!</td> - </tr> -</table></div> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Trusty</span> returns.</em><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_321" id="Page_321">[Pg 321]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Will the monster come or no?——</p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> Yes, I hear him now, Madam, he is hobbling -up, as fast as he can.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Don't let him come in—for he will keep -such a babbling about his accounts,——my brain is not -able to bear him.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Poundage</span> comes to the door with a money-bag in his hand.</em></p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> O! it's well you are come, Sir! where's the -fifty-pound?</p> - -<p><em>Pound.</em> Why here it is; if you had not been in such -haste, I should have paid it by this time——the man's -now writing a receipt, below, for it.</p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> No matter! my lady says, you must not pay -him with that money, there is not enough, it seems; -there's a pistole and a guinea that's not good, in it——besides -there is a mistake in the account too——[<em>Twitching -the bag from him.</em>] But she is not at leisure -to examine it now; so you must bid Mr. What-d'ye-call-um -call another time.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> What is all that noise there?</p> - -<p><em>Pound.</em> Why and it please your Ladyship——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Pr'ythee! don't plague me now, but do -as you were order'd.</p> - -<p><em>Pound.</em> Nay, what your Ladyship pleases, Madam——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Poundage</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> There they are, Madam——[<em>Pours the money -out of the bag.</em>] The pretty things——were so near -falling into a nasty tradesman's hands, I protest it made -me tremble for them——I fancy your ladyship had as -good give me that bad guinea, for luck's sake—thank -you, Madam.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Takes a guinea.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Why, I did not bid you take it.</p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> No, but your ladyship look'd as if you were -just going to bid me, and so I was willing to save you -the trouble of speaking, Madam.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Well! thou hast deserv'd it, and so for -once——but hark! don't I hear the man making a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_322" id="Page_322">[Pg 322]</a></span> -noise yonder? though I think now we may compound -for a little of his ill humour——</p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> I'll listen.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Pr'ythee do.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Trusty</span> goes to the door.</em></p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> Ay! they are at it, Madam—he's in a bitter -passion, with poor <em>Poundage</em>——bless me! I believe -he'll beat him——mercy on us; how the wretch -swears!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> And a sober citizen too! that's a shame!</p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> Ha! I think all's silent, of a sudden——may -be the porter has knock'd him down—I'll step and -see——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Trusty</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Those trades-people are the troublesomest -creatures! no words will satisfy them!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Trusty</span> returns.</em></p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> O Madam! undone! undone! my lord has -just bolted out upon the man, and is hearing all his -pitiful story over——if your ladyship pleases to come -hither, you may hear him yourself!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> No matter: it will come round presently: -I shall have it all from my Lord, without losing a -word by the way, I'll warrant you.</p> - -<p><em>Trusty.</em> O lud! Madam! here's my lord just coming -in.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Do you get out of the way then. [<em>Exit -<span class="antiqua">Trusty</span>.</em>] I am afraid I want spirits! but he will soon -give 'em me.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lord <span class="antiqua">Townly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> How comes it, Madam, that a tradesman -dares be clamorous in my house, for money due to him, -from you?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> You don't expect, my lord, that I should -answer for other peoples impertinence!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> I expect, Madam, you should answer for -your own extravagances, that are the occasion of it——I -thought I had given you money three months ago, to -satisfy all these sort of people!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_323" id="Page_323">[Pg 323]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Yes, but you see they are never to be satisfied.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Nor am I, Madam, longer to be abus'd -thus! what's become of the last five hundred I gave -you?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Gone.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Gone! what way, Madam?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Half the town over, I believe, by this -time.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> 'Tis well! I see ruin will make no impression, -'till it falls upon you.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> In short, my Lord, if money is always -the subject of our conversation, I shall make you no -answer.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Madam, Madam! I will be heard, and -make you answer.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Make me! then I must tell you, my -Lord, this is a language I have not been us'd to, and I -won't bear it.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Come! come, Madam, you shall bear a -great deal more before I part with you.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> My Lord, if you insult me, you will -have as much to bear, on your side, I can assure you.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Pooh! your spirit grows ridiculous——you -have neither honour, worth, or innocence, to support -it!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> You'll find, at least, I have resentment! -and do you look well to the provocation!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> After those you have given me, Madam, -'tis almost infamous to talk with you.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> I scorn your imputation and your menaces! -The narrowness of your heart's your monitor! -'tis there! there, my lord, you are wounded; you -have less to complain of than many husbands of an -equal rank to you.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Death, Madam! do you presume upon -your corporal merit! that your person's less tainted, -than your mind! is it there! there alone an honest -husband can be injur'd? Have you not every other<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_324" id="Page_324">[Pg 324]</a></span> -vice that can debase your birth, or stain the heart of -woman? Is not your health, your beauty, husband, -fortune, family disclaim'd, for nights consumed in -riot and extravagance? The wanton does no more; -if she conceals her shame, does less: And sure the dissolute -avow'd, as sorely wrongs my honour, and my -quiet.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> I see, my Lord, what sort of wife might -please you.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Ungrateful woman! could you have seen -yourself, you in yourself had seen her——I am amaz'd -our legislature has left no precedent of a divorce for -this more visible injury, this adultery of the mind, as -well as that of the person! when a woman's whole -heart is alienated to pleasures I have no share in, what -is't to me whether a black ace, or a powder'd coxcomb -has possession of it?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> If you have not found it yet, my lord, -this is not the way to get possession of mine, depend -upon it.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> That, Madam, I have long despair'd of; -and since our happiness cannot be mutual, 'tis fit, that -with our hearts, our persons too should separate.——This -house you sleep no more in! tho' your content -might grosly feed upon the dishonour of a husband, -yet my desires would starve upon the features of a -wife.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Your stile, my lord, is much of the same -delicacy with your sentiments of honour.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Madam, Madam! this is no time for -compliments——I have done with you.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> If we had never met, my Lord, I had -not broke my heart for it! but have a care I may -not, perhaps, be so easily recall'd as you imagine.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Recall'd—Who's there!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter a Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p>Desire my sister and Mr. <em>Manly</em> to walk up.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> My Lord, you may proceed as you please,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_325" id="Page_325">[Pg 325]</a></span> -but pray what indiscretions have I committed, that are -not daily practis'd by a hundred other women of -quality?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> 'Tis not the number of ill wives, Madam, -that makes the patience of a husband less contemptible: -and though a bad one may be the best man's lot, yet -he'll make a better figure in the world, that keeps his -misfortunes out of doors, than he that tamely keeps -her within.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> I don't know what figure you may -make, my Lord, but I shall have no reason to be asham'd -of mine in whatever company I may meet you.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Be sparing of your spirit, Madam, you'll -need it to support you.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Grace</span> and <span class="antiqua">Manly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Mr. <em>Manly</em>, I have an act of friendship to beg of you, -which wants more apologies, than words can make -for it.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Then pray make none, my Lord, that I may -have the greater merit in obliging you.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Sister, I have the same excuse to intreat -of you too.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> To your request, I beg, my Lord.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Thus then——as you both were present -at my ill considered marriage, I now desire you each will -be a witness of my determin'd separation——I know, -Sir, your good nature, and my sister's must be shock'd -at the office I impose on you! but as I don't ask your -justification of my cause; so I hope you are conscious——that -an ill woman can't reproach you, if you are -silent, upon her side.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> My lord, I never thought, 'till now, it could -be difficult to oblige you.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Heaven's! how I tremble!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> For you, my Lady <em>Townly</em>, I need not -here repeat the provocations of my parting with you—the -world, I fear, is too well informed of them——For -the good lord, your dead father's sake, I will still sup<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_326" id="Page_326">[Pg 326]</a></span>port -you, as his daughter——As the lord <em>Townly</em>'s -wife, you have had every thing a fond husband could -bestow, and (to our mutual shame I speak it) more -than happy wives desire——But those indulgences must -end! State, equipage and splendor, but ill become the -vices that misuse 'em——The decent necessaries of -life shall be supply'd——but not one article to luxury! -Not even the coach that waits to carry you from -hence, shall you ever use again! Your tender aunt, my -Lady <em>Lovemore</em>, with tears, this morning has consented -to receive you; where if time, and your condition -brings you to a due reflection, your allowance shall -be increased——But if you still are lavish of your little, -or pine for past licentious pleasures, that little shall be -less! nor will I call that soul my friend, that names you -in my hearing!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> My heart bleeds for her.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> O <em>Manly</em>! look there! turn back thy -thoughts with me, and witness to my growing love; -there was a time when I believ'd that form incapable of -vice or of decay! There I proposed the partner of an -easy home! There I for ever hoped to find, a chearful -companion, an agreeable intimate, a faithful friend, -a useful help-mate, and a tender mother——But oh! -how bitter now the disappointment!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> The world is different in its sense of happiness: -offended as you are, I know you still will be just.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Fear me not.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> This last reproach, I see, has struck her.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> No, let me not (though I this moment cast -her from my heart for ever) let me not urge her punishment -beyond her crimes——I know the world is -fond of any tale that feeds its appetite of scandal: and -as I am conscious, severities of this kind seldom fail of -imputations too gross to mention, I here, before you -both acquit her of the least suspicion rais'd against the -honour of my bed. Therefore when abroad her conduct -may be question'd, do her fame that justice.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_327" id="Page_327">[Pg 327]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> O sister!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Turns to Lady <span class="antiqua">Grace</span> weeping.</em></p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> When I am spoken of, where without -favour this action may be canvass'd, relate but half my -provocations, and give me up to censure.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Going.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Support me! save me! hide me from the -world!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Falls on Lady <span class="antiqua">Grace</span>'s neck.</em></p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> [<em>Returning.</em>]——I had forgot me—You -have no share in my resentment; therefore, as you have -liv'd in friendship with her, your parting may admit -of gentler terms than suit the honour of an injur'd husband.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Offers to go out.</em></p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> [<em>Interposing.</em>] My Lord, you must not, shall not -leave her thus! one moment's stay can do your cause -no wrong! If looks can speak the anguish of the heart, -I'll answer with my life, there's something labouring in -her mind, that would you bear the hearing, might deserve -it.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Consider! since we no more can meet; -press not my staying to insult her.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Yet stay my Lord——the little I would -say, will not deserve an insult; and undeserv'd, I know -your nature gives it not. But as you've call'd in friends, -to witness your resentment, let them be equal hearers -of my last reply.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> I shan't refuse you that, Madam——be -it so.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> My Lord, you ever have complain'd I -wanted love; but as you kindly have allowed I never -gave it to another; so when you hear the story of my -heart, though you may still complain, you will not wonder -at my coldness.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> This promises a reverse of temper.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Apart.</em></p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> This, my Lord, you are concern'd to hear!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Proceed, I am attentive.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Before I was your bride, my Lord, the -flattering world had talk'd me into beauty; which, at -my glass, my youthful vanity confirm'd: wild with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_328" id="Page_328">[Pg 328]</a></span> -that fame, I thought mankind my slaves, I triumph'd -over hearts while all my pleasure was their pain: yet -was my own so equally insensible to all, that when a -father's firm commands enjoin'd me to make choice of -one, I even there declin'd the liberty he gave, and to -his own election yielded up my youth——his tender -care, my Lord, directed him to you——Our hands -were join'd! But still my heart was wedded to its folly! -My only joy was power, command, society, profuseness, -and to lead in pleasures! The husband's right to -rule, I thought a vulgar law, which only the deform'd -or meanly spirited obey'd! I knew no directors, but -my passions; no matter but my will! even you, my lord, -some time o'ercome by love, was pleas'd with my -delights; nor, then foresaw this mad misuse of your -indulgence——And, though I call myself ungrateful, -while I own it, yet as a truth, it cannot be deny'd——That -kind indulgence has undone me! it -added strength to my habitual failings, and in a heart -thus warm, in wild unthinking life, no wonder if the -gentler sense of love was lost.</p> - -<div class="left"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Apart"> - <tr> - <td>Lord <em>Town.</em> O <em>Manly</em>! where has this creature's heart been buried?</td> - <td rowspan="0" class="bl tdr"><em>Apart.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Man.</em> If yet recoverable——How vast a treasure?</td> - </tr> -</table></div> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> What I have said, my lord, is not my -excuse; but my confession! my errors (give 'em if you -please, a harder name) cannot be defended! No! What's -in its nature wrong, no words can palliate, no plea can -alter! What then remains in my condition but resignation -to your pleasure? Time only can convince you of -my future conduct: Therefore till I have liv'd an object -of forgiveness, I dare not hope for pardon——The -penance of a lonely contrite life were little to the -innocent; but to have deserv'd this separation, will -strew perpetual thorns upon my pillow.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> O happy, heavenly hearing!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_329" id="Page_329">[Pg 329]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Sister, farewel! [<em>Kissing her.</em>] Your -virtue needs no warning from the shame that falls on -me: but when you think I have aton'd my follies -past——persuade your injur'd brother to forgive -them.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> No, Madam! Your errors thus renounc'd, -this instant are forgotten! So deep, so due a sense of -them, has made you, what my utmost wishes form'd, and -all my heart has sigh'd for.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> [<em>Turning to Lady <span class="antiqua">Grace</span>.</em>] How odious -does this goodness make me!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> How amiable your thinking so?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Long-parted friends, that pass through -easy voyages of life, receive but common gladness in -their meeting: but from a shipwreck sav'd, we mingle -tears with our embraces!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Embracing Lady <span class="antiqua">Townly</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> What words! what love! what duty -can repay such obligations!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Preserve but this desire to please, your -power is endless.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Oh!—--'till this moment, never did I -know, my Lord, I had a heart to give you!</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> By heav'n this yielding hand, when first -it gave you to my wishes, presented not a treasure more -desirable! O <em>Manly</em>! sister! as you have often shar'd -in my disquiet, partake of my felicity! my new-born -joy! see here the bride of my desires! this may be -called my wedding-day!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Sister! (for now methinks that name is -dearer to my heart than ever) let me congratulate the -happiness that opens to you.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Long, long and mutual may it flow——</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> To make our happiness compleat, my -dear, join here with me to give a hand, that amply will -repay the obligation.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Sister! a day like this——</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Admits of no excuse against the general -joy.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_330" id="Page_330">[Pg 330]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Gives her hand to <span class="antiqua">Manly</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> A joy like mine——despairs of words to -speak it.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> O <em>Manly</em>! how the name of friend endears -the brother!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Embracing him.</em></p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Your words, my Lord, will warn me to deserve -them.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter a Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> My Lord, the apartments are full of masqueraders——And -some people of quality there desire to -see your Lordship and my Lady.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> I thought, my Lord, your orders had -forbid this revelling?</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> No, my dear, <em>Manly</em> has desir'd their admittance -to-night, it seems, upon a particular occasion——Say -we will wait upon them instantly.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Servant.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> I shall be but ill company to them.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> No matter: not to see them, would on a -sudden to be too particular. Lady <em>Grace</em> will assist you to -entertain them.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> With her, my Lord, I shall be always easy——Sister, -to your unerring virtue, I commit the guidance -of my future days.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Never the paths of pleasure more to tread,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But where your guarded innocence shall lead.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For in the marriage-state the world must own,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Divided happiness was never known.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To make it mutual, nature points the way:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Let husbands govern: gentle wives obey.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_331" id="Page_331">[Pg 331]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - - -<h4><em>The <span class="gesperrt">SCENE</span> opening to another apartment discovers -a great number of people in masquerade talking -all together, and playing one upon another: Lady -<span class="antiqua">Wronghead</span> as a shepherdess; <span class="antiqua">Jenny</span>, as a nun; -the Squire as a running footman; and the Count in a -<span class="antiqua">Domino</span>. After some time, Lord and Lady <span class="antiqua">Townly</span>, -with Lady <span class="antiqua">Grace</span>, enter to them unmask'd.</em></h4> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> So! here's a great deal of company.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> A great many people, my Lord, but no -company——as you'll find——for here's one now, -that seems to have a mind to entertain us.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>A mask, after some affected gesture, makes up to -Lady <span class="antiqua">Townly</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Mask.</em> Well, dear Lady <em>Townly</em>, shan't we see you, -by-and-by?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> I don't know you, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Mask.</em> Don't you, seriously?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>In a squeaking tone.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Not I, indeed.</p> - -<p><em>Mask.</em> Well, that's charming; but can't you guess?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Yes, I could guess wrong, I believe.</p> - -<p><em>Mask.</em> That's what I'd have you to do.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> But, Madam, if I don't know you at all, -is not that as well?</p> - -<p><em>Mask.</em> Ay, but you do know me.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Dear sister, take her off o' my hands; -there's no bearing this.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Apart.</em></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> I fancy I know you, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Mask.</em> I fancy you don't: what makes you think -you do?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Because I have heard you talk.</p> - -<p><em>Mask.</em> Ay, but you don't know my voice, I'm sure.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> There is something in your wit and -humour, Madam, so very much your own, it is impossible -you can be any body but my Lady <em>Trifle</em>.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_332" id="Page_332">[Pg 332]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Mask.</em> [Unmasking.] Dear Lady Grace! thou art a -charming creature.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Is there no body else we know here?</p> - -<p><em>Mask.</em> O dear, yes! I have found out fifty already.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Pray who are they?</p> - -<p><em>Mask.</em> O, charming company! there's Lady <em>Ramble</em>——Lady -<em>Riot</em>——Lady <em>Kill-Care</em>——Lady -<em>Squander</em>——Lady <em>Strip</em>——Lady <em>Pawn</em>——and -the Dutchess of <em>Single-Guinea</em>.</p> - -<div class="left"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Apart"> - <tr> - <td>Lord <em>Town.</em> Is it not hard, my dear! that people of sense and probity are sometimes forc'd to seem fond of such company? </td> - <td rowspan="0" class="bl tdr"><em>Apart.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Lady <em>Town.</em> My Lord, it will always give me pain to remember their acquaintance, but none to drop it immediately.</td> - </tr> -</table></div> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> But you have given us no account of the -men, Madam. Are they good for any thing?</p> - -<p><em>Mask.</em> O yes! you must know, I always find out them -by their endeavours to find out me.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Pray who are they?</p> - -<p><em>Mask.</em> Why, for your men of tip-top wit and pleasure, -about town, there's my Lord——<em>Bite</em>——Lord -<em>Arch-wag</em>——Young <em>Brazen-wit</em>——Lord -<em>Timberdown</em>——Lord <em>Joint-Life</em>——and——Lord -<em>Mortgage</em>. Then for your pretty fellows only——there's -Sir <em>Powder-Peacock</em>——Lord <em>Lapwing</em>——<em>Billy -Magpye</em>——Beau <em>Frightful</em>——Sir <em>Paul Plaster-crown</em>, -and the Marquis of <em>Monkey-man</em>.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Right; and these are fine gentlemen that -never want elbow-room at an assembly.</p> - -<p><em>Mask.</em> The rest I suppose, by their tawdry hired habits -are tradesmens wives, inns-of-court beaus, <em>Jews</em>, and -kept mistresses.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> An admirable collection!</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Well, of all our public diversions, I -am amaz'd how this, that is so very expensive, and has -so little to shew for it, can draw so much company together.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_333" id="Page_333">[Pg 333]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> O! if it were not expensive, the better -sort would not come into it: and because money can -purchase a ticket, the common people scorn to be kept -out of it.</p> - -<p><em>Mask.</em> Right, my Lord, poor Lady Grace! I suppose -you are under the same astonishment, that an opera -should draw so much good company.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> Not at all, Madam; it is an easier matter -sure to gratify the ear, than the understanding. But -have you no notion, Madam, of receiving pleasure and -profit at the same time?</p> - -<p><em>Mask.</em> Oh! quite none! unless it be sometimes winning -a great stake; laying down a Vole, sans prendre -may come up, to the profitable pleasure you were speaking -of.</p> - -<div class="left"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Apart"> - <tr> - <td>Lord <em>Town.</em> You seem attentive, my dear?</td> - <td rowspan="0" class="bl tdr"><em>Apart.</em></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Lady <em>Town.</em> I am, my Lord; and amaz'd at my own follies so strongly painted in another woman.</td> - </tr> -</table></div> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> But see, my Lord, we had best adjourn -our debate, I believe, for here are some masks that -seem to have a mind to divert other people as well as -themselves.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> The least we can do is to give them a -clear stage then.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>A dance of masks here in various characters.</em></p> - -<p>This was a favour extraordinary.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Manly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>O <em>Manly</em>! I thought we had lost you.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I ask pardon, my Lord; but I have been oblig'd -to look a little after my country family.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Well, pray, what have you done with -them?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> They are all in the house here, among the -masks, my Lord; if your Lordship has curiosity enough, -to step into a lower apartment, in three minutes I'll give -you an ample account of them.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_334" id="Page_334">[Pg 334]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> O! by all means: we'll wait upon you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>The scene shuts upon the masks to smaller apartments.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Manly</span> re-enters with Sir <span class="antiqua">Francis Wronghead</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Well, cousin, you have made my very hair -stand on an end! Waunds! if what you tell me be -true, I'll stuff my whole family into a stage-coach, -and trundle them into the country on <em>Monday</em> -morning.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Stick to that, Sir, and we may yet find a way -to redeem all: in the mean time, place yourself behind -this screen, and for the truth of what I have told you -take the evidence of your own senses: but be sure you -keep close till I give you the signal.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Sir! I'll warrant you——Ah! my Lady, -my Lady <em>Wronghead!</em> What a bitter business have you -drawn me into!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Hush! to your post; here comes one couple -already.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Sir <span class="antiqua">Francis</span> retires behind the screen.</em> -</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Manly</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Myrtilla</span> with Squire <span class="antiqua">Richard</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> What! is this the doctor's chamber?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Yes, yes, speak softly.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Well, but where is he?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> He'll be ready for us presently, but he says he -can't do us the good turn, without witnesses: so, when -the Count and your sister come, you know he and you -may be fathers for one another.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Well, well, tit for tat! ay, ay, that -will be friendly.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> And see! here they come.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Count <span class="antiqua">Basset</span>, and Miss <span class="antiqua">Jenny</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> So, so, here's your brother, and his bride, -before us, my dear.</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> Well, I vow my heart's at my mouth still! -I thought I should never have got rid of Mama! but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_335" id="Page_335">[Pg 335]</a></span> -while she stood gaping on the dance, I gave her the -slip! Lawd! do but feel how it beats here.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> O the pretty flutterer! I protest, my -dear, you have put mine into the same palpitation!</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> Ah! you say so——but let's see now——O -lud! I vow it thumps purely—well, well, I see it will -do, and so where's the parson?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Mrs. <em>Myrtilla</em>, will you be so good as to -see if the doctor's ready for us?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> He only staid for you, Sir: I'll fetch him immediately.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Myrtilla</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> Pray, Sir, am not I to take place of Mama, -when I am a countess?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> No doubt on't, my dear.</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> O lud how her back will be up then, when -she meets me at an assembly! or you and I in our coach -and six, at <em>Hyde-Park</em> together!</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Ay, or when she hears the box-keepers, -at an Opera, call out—<em>The Countess of</em> Basset's <em>servants</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> Well, I say it, that will be delicious! And -then, mayhap, to have a fine gentleman with a star -and what-d'ye-call-um ribbon, lead me to my chair, -with his hat under his arm all the way! Hold up, -says the chairman, and so, says I, my Lord, your -humble servant. I suppose, Madam, says he, we shall -see you at my Lady <em>Quadrille</em>'s! Ay, ay, to be sure, my -Lord, says I——So in swops me, with my hoop -stuff'd up to my forehead! and away they trot, swing! -swang! with my tassels dangling, and my flambeaux -blazing, and——Oh! it's a charming thing to be a -woman of quality!</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Well, I see that plainly, my dear, there's -ne'er a Dutchess of 'em all will become an equipage like -you.</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> Well, well, do you find equipage, and I'll -find airs, I warrant you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Sings.</em></p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Troth! I think this masquerading's the -merriest game that ever I saw in my life! Thof, in my -mind, and there were but a little wrestling, or cudgel<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_336" id="Page_336">[Pg 336]</a></span> -playing naw, it would help it hugely. But what a-rope -makes the parson stay so?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Oh! here he comes, I believe.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Myrtilla</span> with a constable.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Well, Madam, pray which is the party that -wants a spice of my office here?</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> That's the gentleman.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Pointing to the Count.</em></p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Hey-day! what in masquerade, doctor?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Doctor! Sir, I believe you have mistaken your -man: but if you are called Count <em>Basset</em>, I have a -<em>billet-doux</em> in my hand for you, that will set you right -presently.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> What the devil's the meaning of all this?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Only my Lord Chief Justice's warrant against -you for forgery, Sir.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Blood and thunder!</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> And so, Sir, if you please to pull off your -fool's frock there, I'll wait upon you to the next Justice -of peace immediately.</p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> O dear me! what's the matter?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Trembling.</em></p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> O! nothing, only a masquerading frolic, -my dear.</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> Oh oh! is that all?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> No, Sirrah! that is not all.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Sir <span class="antiqua">Francis</span> coming softly behind the Squire, knocks him -down with his cane.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Manly</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> O lawd! O lawd! he has beaten my -brains out!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Hold, hold, Sir <em>Francis</em>, have a little mercy -upon my poor godson, pray, Sir.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Waunds, cousin, I han't patience.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> <em>Manly</em>! nay, then I'm blown to the devil.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Squ. <em>Rich.</em> O my head! my head!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_337" id="Page_337">[Pg 337]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Wronghead</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> What's the matter here, gentlemen? -for heav'ns sake! what, are you murd'ring my children?</p> - -<p><em>Con.</em> No, no, Madam! no murder! only a little -suspicion of felony, that's all.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Jenny</span>.</em>] And for you, Mrs. <em>Hot-upon't</em>, -I could find in my heart to make you wear that habit, -as long as you live, you jade you. Do you know, -hussy, that you were within two minutes of marrying a -pickpocket?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> So, so, all's out, I find.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jenny.</em> O the mercy! why, pray, Papa, is not the -Count a man of quality then?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> O yes! one of the unhang'd ones, it seems.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Married! O the confident thing! -There was his urgent business then——slighted for her! -I han't patience!—and for ought I know, I have been -all this while making a friendship with a highwayman!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Mr. <em>Constable</em>, secure that door there.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ah, my Lady! my Lady! this comes of -your journey to <em>London</em>! but now I have a frolick of my -own, Madam; therefore pack up your trumpery this -very night, for the moment my horses are able to crawl, -you and your brats shall make a journey into the country -again.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Indeed you are mistaken, Sir <em>Francis</em>——I -shall not stir out of town yet, I promise you.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Not stir! Waunds! madam——</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Hold, Sir!—if you'll give me leave a little—I -fancy I shall prevail upon my Lady to think better on't.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ah? cousin, you are a friend indeed!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> [<em>Apart to my Lady.</em>] Look you, Madam, as to -the favour you design'd me, in sending this spurious -letter inclosed to my Lady <em>Grace</em>, all the revenge I have -taken, is to have sav'd your son and daughter from ruin——Now -if you will take them fairly and quietly -into the country again, I will save your Ladyship from -ruin.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_338" id="Page_338">[Pg 338]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> What do you mean, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Why Sir <em>Francis</em>——shall never know what is -in this letter; look upon it. How it came into my hands -you shall know at leisure.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Ha! my <em>billet-doux</em> to the Count! and -an appointment in it! I shall sink with confusion!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> What shall I say to Sir <em>Francis</em>, Madam?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Wrong.</em> Dear Sir, I am in such a trembling! -preserve my honour and I am all obedience!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Apart to <span class="antiqua">Manly</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Sir <em>Francis</em>——my Lady is ready to receive -your commands for her journey whenever you please to -appoint it.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> Ah cousin! I doubt I am obliged to you for -it.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Come, come, Sir <em>Francis</em>! take it as you find -it. Obedience in a wife is a good thing, though it were -never so wonderful——And now, Sir, we have nothing -to do but dispose of this gentleman.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Mr. <em>Manly</em>! Sir, I hope you won't ruin me.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Did not you forge this note for five hundred -pounds, Sir?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Sir——I see you know the world, and -therefore I shall not pretend to prevaricate——But -it has hurt nobody yet, Sir! I beg you will not stigmatize -me! since you have spoil'd my fortune in one -family, I hope you won't be so cruel to a young fellow, -as to put it out of my power, Sir, to make it in -another, Sir!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Look you, Sir, I have not much time to waste -with you: but if you expect mercy yourself, you must -show it to one you have been cruel to.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Cruel, Sir!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Have not you ruin'd this young woman?</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> I, Sir!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> I know you have——therefore you can't -blame her, if, in the fact you are charg'd with, she is a -principal witness against you. However, you have -one and one only chance to get off with. Marry<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_339" id="Page_339">[Pg 339]</a></span> -her this instant——and you take off her evidence.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Dear Sir!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> No words, Sir; a wife or a <em>mittimus</em>.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Lord, Sir! this is the most unmerciful -mercy!</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> A private penance, or a public one——constable.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Hold, Sir, since you are pleas'd to give -me my choice; I will not make so ill a compliment to -the Lady, as not to give her the preference.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> It must be done this minute, Sir: the chaplain -you expected is still within call.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Well, Sir,——since it must be so——come, -spouse——I am not the first of the fraternity -that has run his head into one noose, to keep it out of -another.</p> - -<p><em>Myr.</em> Come, Sir, don't repine: marriage is, at worst, -but playing upon the square.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Ay, but the worst of the match too, is -the devil.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Well, Sir, to let you see it is not so bad as you -think it; as a reward for her honesty, in detecting your -practices, instead of the forged bill you would have put -upon her, there's a real one of five hundred pounds, to -begin a new honey-moon with.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Gives it to Myrtilla.</em></p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Sir, this is so generous an act——</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> No compliments, dear Sir,——I am not at -leisure now to receive them: Mr. <em>Constable</em>, will you -be so good as to wait upon this gentleman into the next -room, and give this lady in marriage to him?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Sir, I'll do it faithfully.</p> - -<p>Count <em>Bas.</em> Well! five hundred will serve to make -a handsome push with, however.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt Count, <span class="antiqua">Myr.</span> and Constable.</em></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Fran.</em> And that I may be sure my family's rid of -him for ever——come, my Lady, let's even take our -children along with us, and be all witness of the ceremony.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_340" id="Page_340">[Pg 340]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt Sir <span class="antiqua">Fran</span>, Lady <span class="antiqua">Wrong</span>, Miss and Squire.</em></p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Now, my Lord, you may enter.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lord and Lady <span class="antiqua">Townly</span>, and Lady <span class="antiqua">Grace</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> So, Sir, I give you joy of your negotiation.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> You overheard it all, I presume?</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> From first to last, Sir.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Never were knaves and fools better dispos'd -of.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> A sort of poetical justice, my Lord, not much -above the judgment of a modern comedy.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> To heighten that resemblance, I think, -sister, there only wants your rewarding the hero of the -fable, by naming the day of his happiness.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Grace.</em> This day, to-morrow, every hour, I -hope, of life to come, will shew I want not inclination -to complete it.</p> - -<p><em>Man.</em> Whatever I may want, Madam, you will always -find endeavours to deserve you.</p> - -<p>Lord <em>Town.</em> Then all are happy.</p> - -<p>Lady <em>Town.</em> Sister! I give you joy! consummate as -the happiest pair can boast.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">In you methinks, as in a glass, I see<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The happiness that once advanc'd to me.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">So visible the bliss, so plain the way,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">How was it possible my sense could stray?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But now, a convert, to this truth, I come,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That married happiness is never found from home.<br /></span> -</div></div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_341" id="Page_341">[Pg 341]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="EPILOGUE5" id="EPILOGUE5">EPILOGUE,</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter">Spoken by Mrs. <em class="gesperrt">OLDFIELD</em>. -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em><span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">M</span>ethinks</span> I hear some powder'd Critics say,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>"Damn it! this Wife Reform'd has spoil'd the play!</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The coxcomb should have drawn her more in fashion,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Have gratify'd her softer inclination,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Have tipt her a gallant, and clinch'd the provocation."</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But there our Bard stopt short: for 'twere uncivil</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>T' have made a modern <span class="antiqua">Belle</span> all o'er a Devil!</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He hop'd, in honour of the sex, the age</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Would bear one mended woman——on the stage.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i2"><em>From whence, you see by common sense's rules,</em><br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_342" id="Page_342">[Pg 342]</a></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Wives might be govern'd, were not husbands fools.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Whate'er by Nature dames are prone to do,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They seldom stray but when they govern you.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>When the wild wife perceives her deary tame,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>No wonder then she plays him all the game.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But men of sense meet rarely that disaster;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Women take pride, where merit is their master:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Nay, she that with a weak man wisely lives,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Will seem t' obey the due commands he gives!</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Happy obedience is no more a wonder,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>When men are men, and keep them kindly under.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But modern consorts are such high-bred creatures,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They think a husband's power degrades their features;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>That nothing more proclaims a reigning beauty,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Than that she never was reproach'd with duty;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And that the greatest blessing Heav'n e'er sent,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Is in a spouse, incurious and content.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>To give such dames a diff'rent cast of thought,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>By calling home the mind, these scenes were wrought.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>If with a hand too rude, the task is done,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>We hope the scheme by Lady <span class="antiqua">Grace</span> laid down,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Will all such freedom with the sex atone.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>That virtue there unsoil'd, by modish art,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Throw out attractions for a <span class="antiqua">Manly</span>'s heart.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i2"><em>You, you, then Ladies, whose unquestion'd lives</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Give you the foremost fame of happy wives,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Protect, for its attempt, this helpless play;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Nor leave it to the vulgar taste a prey;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Appear the frequent champions of its cause,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Direct the crowd and give yourselves applause.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_343" id="Page_343">[Pg 343]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="Sung_by_Mrs_Cibber_in_the_Fourth_Act" id="Sung_by_Mrs_Cibber_in_the_Fourth_Act"><em>Sung by Mrs. <span class="antiqua"><span class="smcap">Cibber</span></span>, in the Fourth Act.</em></a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter">The Words by <span class="smcap">Mr. Carey</span>. -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">O</span>h</span>, I'll have a husband! ay, marry;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">For why should I longer tarry,<br /></span> -<span class="i1">For why should I longer tarry<br /></span> -<span class="i3">Than other brisk girls have done?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For if I stay, 'till I grow gray,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">They'll call me old maid, and fusty old jade;<br /></span> -<span class="i4">So I'll no longer tarry;<br /></span> -<span class="i1">But I'll have a husband, ay, marry,<br /></span> -<span class="i3">If money can buy me one.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i2">My mother she says I'm too coming;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And still in my ears she is drumming,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And still in my ears she is drumming,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">That I such vain thoughts shou'd shun.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My sisters they cry, oh fy! and oh fy!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But yet I can see they're as coming as me;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">So let me have husbands in plenty:<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I'd rather have twenty times twenty,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Than die an old maid undone.<br /></span> -</div></div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_344" id="Page_344">[Pg 344]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="Sung_by_Mrs_Cibber_in_the_Fifth_Act" id="Sung_by_Mrs_Cibber_in_the_Fifth_Act"><em>Sung by Mrs. <span class="antiqua"><span class="smcap">Cibber</span></span>, in the Fifth Act.</em></a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter">The Words by <span class="smcap">Mr. Carey</span>. -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i22">I.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">W</span>hat</span> tho' they call me country lass,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I read it plainly in my glass,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That for a Dutchess I might pass:<br /></span> -<span class="i5">Oh, could I see the day!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Would fortune but attend my call,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">At park, at play, at ring and ball,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I'd brave the proudest of them all,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With a <em>stand by——clear the way</em>.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i22">II.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Surrounded by a crowd of beaux,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With smart toupees, and powder'd clothes,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">At rivals I'll turn up my nose;<br /></span> -<span class="i5">Oh, could I see the day!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I'll dart such glances from these eyes,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Shall make some Lord or Duke my prize;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And then, oh! how I'll tyrannise,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With <em>stand by——clear the way</em>.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i22">III.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Oh! then for ev'ry new delight,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For equipage and diamonds bright,<br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Quadrille</em>, and plays, and balls all night;<br /></span> -<span class="i5">Oh! could I see the day!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Of love and joy I'd take my fill,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The tedious hours of life to kill,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">In ev'ry thing I'd have my will,<br /></span> -<span class="i5">With a <em>stand by——clear the way</em>.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directcenter">FINIS. -</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_i" id="Page_i">[Pg i]</a></span></p> - -<p class="center p6"><em class="gesperrt">PLAYS</em>, <em>printed for</em> <span class="smcap">T. Lowndes</span>, -at 6d. each. -</p> - -<ul><li class="ifrst">A Bramule, by Dr. Trapp</li> -<li>Adventures of half an hour</li> -<li>Albion and Albanius, by Dryden</li> -<li>Alchymist, by Ben Jonson</li> -<li>Alcibiades, by Otway</li> -<li>All for Love, by Dryden</li> -<li>Ambitious Step-mother, by Rowe</li> -<li>Amboyna, by Dryden</li> -<li>Amphitryon, by Dryden</li> -<li>Anatomist, by Ravenscroft</li> -<li>Anna Bullen, by Bankes</li> -<li>As you like It, by Shakespeare</li> -<li>Artful Husband, by Taverner</li> -<li>Athaliah, by Mr. Duncomb</li> -<li>Aurengzebe, by Dryden</li> - -<li class="indx">Bartholomew fair, by Ben Jonson</li> -<li>Basset Table, by Centlivre</li> -<li>Beaux Stratagem, by Farquhar</li> -<li>Beggars Opera, by Gay</li> -<li>Biter, by Rowe</li> -<li>Bold Stroke for a Wife</li> -<li>British Enchanters, by Lansdown</li> -<li>Busiris, by Dr. Young</li> -<li>Busy Body, by Centlivre</li> - -<li class="indx">Caius Marius, by Otway</li> -<li>Careless Husband, by Cibber</li> -<li>Cataline, by Ben Jonson</li> -<li>Cato, by Addison</li> -<li>Chances, by D. Buckingham</li> -<li>Chaplet, by Mr. Mendez</li> -<li>Cleomenes, by Dryden</li> -<li>Cobler of Preston</li> -<li>Comedy of Errors, by Shakespeare</li> -<li>Conscious Lovers, by Cibber</li> -<li>Committee, by Sir R. Howard</li> -<li>Confederacy, by Vanbrugh</li> -<li>Conscious Lovers, by Steele</li> -<li>Constant Couple, by Farquhar</li> -<li>Contrivances, by Cary</li> -<li>Country Lasses, by C. Johnson</li> -<li>Country Wife, by Wycherly</li> -<li>Cymbelyne, altered by Mr. Garrick</li> - -<li class="indx">Damon and Phillida, by Mr. Dibden</li> -<li>Devil of a Wife</li> -<li>Devil to Pay, by Coffey</li> -<li>Distressed Mother, by Amb. Phillips</li> -<li>Don Carlos, by Otway</li> -<li>Double Dealer, by Congreve</li> -<li>Double Gallant, by Cibber</li> -<li>Dragon of Wantley</li> -<li>Drummer, by Addison</li> -<li>Duke and no Duke, by Sir A. Cockain</li> -<li>Duke of Guise, by Dryden</li> - -<li class="indx">Earl of Essex, by Bankes</li> -<li>Every Man in his Humour -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_ii" id="Page_ii">[Pg ii]</a></span></li> -<li>Fair Penitent, by Rowe</li> -<li>Fair Quaker of Deal, by C. Shadwell</li> -<li>False Friend</li> -<li>Fatal Secret, by Theobald</li> -<li>Flora, or Hob in the well</li> -<li>Fox, by Ben Jonson</li> -<li>Friendship in Fashion, by Otway</li> -<li>Funeral, by Sir R. Steele</li> - -<li class="indx">Gamester, by Mrs. Centlivre</li> -<li>Gentle Shepherd</li> -<li>George Barnwell, by Lillo</li> -<li>Gloriania</li> -<li>Greenwich Park</li> - -<li class="indx">Hamlet, by Shakespeare</li> -<li>Henry IV. 2 parts, by ditto</li> -<li>Henry V. by ditto</li> -<li>Henry VI. 3 parts, by ditto</li> -<li>Henry VIII. by ditto</li> -<li>Henry V. by Aaron Hill</li> -<li>Honest Yorkshireman</li> - -<li class="indx">Jane Gray, by Rowe</li> -<li>Jane Shore, by Rowe</li> -<li>Inconstant, by Farquhar</li> - -<li class="indx">King John, by Shakespeare</li> -<li>King Lear, by ditto</li> -<li>King Lear, by Tate</li> - -<li class="indx">Limberham, by Dryden</li> -<li>Love for Love, by Congreve</li> -<li>Love in a Mist</li> -<li>Love in a Tub, by Etherege</li> -<li>Love makes a Man, by C. Cibber</li> -<li>Loves last Shift, by ditto</li> -<li>Lying Lover, by Steele</li> - -<li class="indx">Macbeth, by Shakespeare</li> -<li>Man of Mode, by Etherege</li> -<li>Mariamne, by Fenton</li> -<li>Measure for Measure, by Shakespeare</li> -<li>Merchant of Venice, by Shakespeare</li> -<li>Mistake, by Vanbrugh</li> -<li>Mourning Bride, by Congreve</li> -<li>Much ado about Nothing</li> -<li>Mustapha by Lord Orrery</li> - -<li class="indx">Nonjuror, by C. Cibber</li> - -<li class="indx">Oedipus, by Dryden</li> -<li>Old Batchelor, by Congreve</li> -<li>Oroonoko, by Southern</li> -<li>Orphan, by Otway</li> -<li>Othello, by Shakespeare</li> - -<li class="indx">Perjured Husband</li> -<li>Perolla and Isidora, by C. Cibber</li> -<li>Phædra and Hippolitus, by Smith</li> -<li>Pilgrim, by Beaumont and Fletcher</li> -<li>Polly, by Mr. Gay</li> -<li>Prophetess, by Beaumont</li> -<li>Provok'd Husband, by C. Cibber</li> -<li>Provok'd Wife, by Vanbrugh</li> - -<li class="indx">Recruiting Officer, by Farquhar</li> -<li>Refusal, by Cibber</li> -<li>Rehearsal, by D. of Bucks</li> -<li>Relapse, by Vanbrugh</li> -<li>Revenge, by Dr. Younge</li> -<li>Richard III. by C. Cibber</li> -<li>Rival Fools, by Cibber</li> -<li>Rival Ladies, by Dryden</li> -<li>Rival Queens, by Lee</li> -<li>Romeo and Juliet, altered by Mr. Garrick -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_iii" id="Page_iii">[Pg iii]</a></span></li> -<li>Royal Merchant, by Beaumont</li> -<li>Rule a Wife and have a Wife</li> - -<li class="indx">School Boy, by Cibber</li> -<li>Scornful Lady, by Beaumont and Fletcher</li> -<li>She would and she would not, by Cibber</li> -<li>She would if she could, by Etherege</li> -<li>Siege of Damascus, by Hughes</li> -<li>Silent Woman, by B. Jonson</li> -<li>Sir Courtly Nice, by Crown</li> -<li>Sir Harry Wildair, by Farquhar</li> -<li>Sir Martin Mar-all, by Dryden</li> -<li>Sir Walter Raleigh, by Dr. Sewell</li> -<li>'Squire of Alsatia, by T. Shadwell</li> -<li>Stage Coach, by Farquhar</li> -<li>State of Innocence, by Dryden</li> -<li>Strollers</li> -<li>Suspicious Husband, by Dr. Hoadley</li> - -<li class="indx">Tamerlane, by Rowe</li> -<li>Tempest, by Shakespeare</li> -<li>Tender Husband, by Steele</li> -<li>Theodosius or the Force of Love</li> -<li>Timon of Athens, by Shakespeare</li> -<li>Titus and Berenice, with the Cheats of Scapin, by Otway</li> -<li>Twelfth Night, by Shakespeare</li> -<li>Twin Rivals, by Farquhar</li> -<li>Two Gentlemen of Verona</li> - -<li class="indx">Venice Preserved, by Otway</li> -<li>Ulysses, by Rowe</li> - -<li class="indx">Way of the World, by Congreve</li> -<li>What d'ye call it? by Gay</li> -<li>Wife to let</li> -<li>Wife's Relief, or Husband's Cure</li> -<li>Wild Gallant, by Dryden</li> -<li>Wit without Money</li> -<li>Woman's a Riddle</li> -<li>Wonder, a Woman keeps a Secret, by Centlivre</li> - -<li class="indx">Zara, with the interlude, by A. Hill, Esq.</li> - -<li class="ifrst">Arden of Feversham, 1s.</li> - -<li class="indx">Douglas, 1s.</li> - -<li class="indx">Eastward Hoe, 1s.</li> - -<li class="indx">Gentleman Dancing Master, 1s.</li> - -<li class="indx">Love in a Wood, 1s.</li> - -<li class="indx">Perkin Warbeck, 1s.</li> -<li>Plague of Riches, French and English, 1s.</li> -<li>Plain Dealer, 1s.</li> - -<li class="indx">Siege of Aquileia, 1s.</li> -</ul> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Tragedies</span> and <span class="smcap">Comedies</span>, in Octavo, at -1s. 6d. each. -</p> - - -<ul><li class="ifrst">Achilles, an opera, by Gay</li> -<li>Alzuma, by A. Murphy</li> -<li>Azlira, by A. Hill, Esq. -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_iv" id="Page_iv">[Pg iv]</a></span></li> -<li>Art and Nature, by the Rev. Mr. Miller</li> -<li>Arminus</li> -<li>Athelstan, by Dr. Brown</li> -<li>Athelwould, by A. Hill, Esq.</li> - -<li class="indx">Barbarossa, by Dr. Brown</li> -<li>Beggars Opera, with Music, by Gay</li> -<li>Beggars Opera songs, for Harpsichord, Violin, or German flute, 4to</li> -<li>Bond Man</li> -<li>Brothers, by Cumberland</li> - -<li class="indx">Cælia, or perjured Lover, by C. Johnson</li> -<li>Cornish 'Squire, by Sir J. Vanbrugh</li> -<li>Coriolanus, altered</li> -<li>Cymbeline, by Hawkins</li> - -<li class="indx">Dissembled Wanton, by Mr. Welsted</li> -<li>Distressed Wife, by Gay</li> -<li>Double Dealer, printed by Baskerville</li> -<li>Double Falsehood; or Distressed Lovers, by Shakespeare</li> -<li>Double Mistake, by Mrs. Griffyths</li> -<li>Douglas, by Mr. Home</li> - -<li class="indx">Elfrid, or the fair Inconstant, by A. Hill, Esq.</li> -<li>Eurydice, by Mallet</li> - -<li class="indx">False Delicacy, by Mr. Kelly</li> -<li>Fashionable Lover</li> -<li>Fatal Vision, by A. Hill</li> -<li>Foundling, by Mr. Moore</li> - -<li class="indx">Gamester, by Mr. Moore</li> -<li>Gil Blas, by Mr. Moore</li> -<li>Good natur'd Man</li> -<li>Guardian outwitted, by Dr. Arne</li> - -<li class="indx">Henry VIII. by Mr. Grove, with cuts</li> -<li>Humours of Oxford, by Mr. Miller</li> - -<li class="indx">Jealous Wife, by G. Colman, Esq.</li> -<li>Independent Patriot, by F. Lynch, Esq.</li> -<li>Insolvent, by A. Hill</li> -<li>Jovial Crew, with the music</li> - -<li class="indx">King Charles I. by Havard</li> - -<li class="indx">Love for Love, printed by Baskerville</li> -<li>Love in a Riddle, with music</li> -<li>Love in a Village, by Mr. Bickerstaff</li> -<li>Lover, by Mr. The. Cibber</li> - -<li class="indx">Mahomet, altered by D. Garrick, Esq.</li> -<li>Maid of the Mill, by Mr. Bickerstaff</li> -<li>Man of Taste, by Mr. Miller</li> -<li>Methodist</li> -<li>Midas, by K. O'Hara, Esq.</li> -<li>Minor, by Mr. Foote</li> -<li>Miser, by Fielding</li> -<li>Modern Husband</li> -<li>Modish Couple, by C. Bodens, Esq.</li> -<li>Momus turned Fabulist</li> -<li>Mother-in-Law, by Mr. Miller</li> -<li>Mourning Bride, printed by Baskerville</li> -<li>Mustapha, by Mr. Mallet</li> - -<li class="indx">No one's Enemy but his Own, by Mr. Murphy</li> -</ul> - -<div id="transnote"> - -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2><a name="TRANSCRIBERS_NOTES" id="TRANSCRIBERS_NOTES">TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES</a></h2> - -<p>Note The Confederacy does not begin with a title page for the play.</p> - -<p>Silently corrected simple spelling, grammar, and typographical errors.</p> - -<p>Retained anachronistic and non-standard spellings as printed.</p></div> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Plays, vol. 2, by John Vanbrugh - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PLAYS, VOL. 2 *** - -***** This file should be named 51114-h.htm or 51114-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/1/1/51114/ - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, Mark C. 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