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diff --git a/old/51114-0.txt b/old/51114-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 45fbd5c..0000000 --- a/old/51114-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,16724 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Plays, vol. 2, by John Vanbrugh - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Plays, vol. 2 - -Author: John Vanbrugh - -Release Date: February 2, 2016 [EBook #51114] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PLAYS, VOL. 2 *** - - - - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, Mark C. Orton and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) - - - - - - - - - - PLAYS, - - - WRITTEN BY - - Sir =John Vanbrugh=. - - =Volume= _the_ =Second=. - - CONTAINING - - The =Confederacy=. - - The =Mistake=. - - The =Country House=. - - A =Journey= to =London=. - - The =Provok'd Husband=. - - LONDON: - - Printed for =J. Rivington=, =T. Longman=, =T. - Lowndes=, =T. Caslon=, =C. Corbett=, =S. Bladon=, - =W. Nicoll=, =T. Evans=, and =M. Waller=, - MDCCLXXVI. - - - - -PROLOGUE, - - - Spoken by a Shabby Poet. - - _Ye Gods! what crime had my poor father done, - That you should make a poet of his son? - Or is't for some great services of his, - Y'are pleas'd to compliment his boy----with this?_ - - [Shewing his crown of laurel. - - _The honour, I must needs confess is great, - If, with his crown, you'd tell him where to eat: - Tis well----But I have more complaints--look here!_ - - [Shewing his ragged coat. - - _Hark ye; d'ye think this suit good winter wear? - In a cold morning; whu----at a Lord's gate, - How you have let the porter let me wait! - You'll say, perhaps, you knew I'd get no harm, - You'd given me fire enough to keep me warm. - Ah---- - A world of blessings to that fire we owe; - Without it I'd ne'er made this princely show. - I have a brother too, now in my sight,_ - - [Looking behind the scenes. - - _A busy man amongst us here to-night: - Your fire has made him play a thousand pranks, - For which, no doubt you've had his daily thanks: - He's thank'd you, fi fi, for all his decent plays, - Where he so nick'd it, when he writ for praise. - Next for his meddling with some folks in black, - And bringing----Souse----a priest upon his back; - For building houses here t'oblige the peers, - And fetching all their house about his ears; - For a new play, he'as now thought fit to write, - To sooth the town----which they----will damn to-night. - These benefits are such, no man can doubt - But he'll go on, and set your fancy out, - Till for reward of all his noble deeds, - At last, like other sprightly folks, he speeds: - Has this great recompence fix'd on his brow_ } - _As fam'd Parnassus; has your leave to bow_ } - _And walk about the streets--equip'd----as I am now._ } - - - - -Dramatis Personæ. - - -MEN. - - _Gripe_, { Two rich money-scriveners. { Mr. _Leigh._ - _Money-trap_, { { Mr. _Dogget._ - - _Dick_, a gamester, son to Mrs. _Amlet_. Mr. _Booth._ - - _Brass_, his companion, passes for his { Mr. _Pack._ - _Valet de Chambre._ { - - _Clip_, a Goldsmith. Mr. _Mimes._ - - _Jessamin_, foot boy to _Clarissa_. - - -WOMEN. - - _Clarissa_, wife to _Gripe_, an } - expensive luxurious woman, a great } Mrs. _Barry._ - admirer of quality. } - - _Araminta_, wife to _Money-trap_, very } - intimate with _Clarissa_, of the same } Mrs. _Porter._ - humour. } - - _Corinna_, daughter to _Gripe_ by a } - former wife, a good fortune, young, } Mrs. _Bradshaw._ - and kept very close by her father. } - - _Flippanta_, _Clarissa_'s maid. Mrs. _Bracegirdle._ - - Mrs. _Amlet_, a seller of all sorts of } Mrs. _Willis._ - private affairs to the ladies. } - - Mrs. _Cloggit_ her neighbour. Mrs. _Baker._ - - THE - - CONFEDERACY. - - - - -+ACT+ I. +SCENE+ I. - - +SCENE+ _Covent-garden_. - - - _Enter Mrs. ~Amlet~ and Mrs. ~Cloggit~, meeting._ - - =Amlet.= - -Good-morrow, neighbour; good-morrow, neighbour _Cloggit_! How does all -at your house this morning? - -_Clog._ Think you kindly, _Mrs._ Amlet, thank you kindly; how do you -do, I pray? - -_Aml._ At the old rate, neighbour, poor and honest; these are hard -times, good lack. - -_Clog._ If they are hard with you, what are they with us? You have -a good trade going, all the great folks in town help off with your -merchandize. - -_Aml._ Yes, they do help us off with 'em indeed; they buy all. - -_Clog._ And pay---- - -_Aml._ For some. - -_Clog._ Well, 'tis a thousand pities, Mrs. _Amlet_, they are not as -ready at one, as they are at t'other: For, not to wrong 'em, they give -very good rates. - -_Aml._ O for that, let us do them justice, neighbour; they never make -two words upon the price, all they haggle about is the day of payment. - -_Clog._ There's all the dispute, as you say. - -_Aml._ But that's a wicked one: For my part, neighbour, I'm just tir'd -off my legs with trotting after 'em; beside, it eats out all our -profit. Would you believe it, Mrs. _Cloggit_, I have worn out four pair -of pattens, with following my old Lady _Youthful_, for one set of false -teeth, and but three pots of paint. - -_Clog._ Look you there now. - -_Aml._ If they would but once let me get enough by 'em, to keep a coach -to carry me a dunning after 'em, there would be some conscience in it. - -_Clog._ Ay, that were something. But now you talk of conscience, Mrs. -_Amlet_, how do you speed among your city customers? - -_Aml._ My city customers! Now by my truth, neighbour, between the city -and the court (with reverence be it spoken) there's not a ---- to -choose. My ladies in the city in times past, were as full of gold as -they were of religion, and as punctual in their payments as they were -of their prayers; but since they have set their minds upon quality, -adieu one, adieu t'other, their money and their conscience are gone, -heaven knows where. There is not a goldsmith's wife to be found in -town, but's as hard-hearted as an ancient judge, and as poor as a -towering dutchess. - -_Clog._ But what the murrain have they to do with quality, why don't -their husbands make e'm mind their shops? - -_Aml._ Their husbands! their husbands, say'st thou, woman? alack, -alack, they mind their husbands, neighbour, no more than they do a -sermon. - -_Clog._ Good lack-a-day, that women born of sober parents, should be -prone to follow ill examples! But now we talk of quality, when did you -hear of your son _Richard_, Mrs. _Amlet_? My daughter _Flip._ says -she met him t'other day in a lac'd coat, with three fine ladies, his -footman at his heels, and as gay as a bridegroom. - -_Aml._ Is it possible? Ah the rogue! well, neighbour, all's well that -ends well; but _Dick_ will be hang'd. - -_Clog._ That were pity. - -_Aml._ Pity indeed; for he's a hopeful young man to look on; but he -leads a life----Well----where he has it, heav'n knows; but they say, -he pays his club with the best of 'em. I have seen him but once these -three months, neighbour, and then the varlet wanted money; but I bid -him march, and march he did to some purpose; for in less than an hour, -back comes my gentleman into the house, walks to and fro in the room, -with his wig over his shoulder, his hat on one side, whistling a -minuet, and tossing a purse of gold from one hand to t'other, with no -more respect (heaven bless us!) than if it had been an orange. Sirrah, -says I, where have you got that? He answers me never a word, but sets -his arms a kimbo, cocks his saucy hat in my face, turns about upon his -ungracious heel, as much as to say kiss--and I've never set my eye on -him since. - -_Clog._ Look you there now; to see what the youth of this age are come -to! - -_Aml._ See what they will come to, neighbour. Heaven shield, I say; but -_Dick_'s upon the gallop. Well, I must bid you good-morrow; I'm going -where I doubt I shall meet but a sorry welcome. - -_Clog._ To get in some old debt, I'll warrant you? - -_Aml._ Neither better or worse. - -_Clog._ From a lady of quality? - -_Aml._ No, she's but a scrivener's wife; but she lives as well, and -pays as ill, as the stateliest countess of 'em all. - - [_Exeunt several ways._ - - _Enter ~Brass~ solus._ - -_Brass._ Well, surely thro' the world's wide extent, there never -appeared so impudent a fellow as my schoolfellow _Dick_, pass himself -upon the town for a gentleman, drop into all the best company with an -easy air, as if his natural element were in the sphere of quality; when -the rogue had a kettle-drum to his father, who was hang'd for robbing a -church, and has a pedlar to his mother, who carries her shop under her -arm. But here he comes. - - _Enter ~Dick~._ - -_Dick._ Well, _Brass_, what news? Hast thou given my letter to -_Flippanta_? - -_Brass._ I'm but just come; I han't knock'd at the door yet. But I have -a damn'd piece of news for you. - -_Dick._ As how? - -_Brass._ We must quit this country. - -_Dick._ We'll be hang'd first. - -_Brass._ So you will if you stay. - -_Dick._ Why, what's the matter? - -_Brass._ There's a storm a coming. - -_Dick._ From whence? - -_Brass._ From the worst point in the compass, the law. - -_Dick._ The law! Why what have I to do with the law? - -_Brass._ Nothing; and therefore it has something to do with you. - -_Dick._ Explain. - -_Brass._ You know you cheated a young fellow at picquet t'other day, of -the money he had to raise his company. - -_Dick._ Well, what then? - -_Brass._ Why he's sorry he lost it. - -_Dick._ Who doubts that? - -_Brass._ Ay, but that's not all, he's such a fool to think of -complaining on't. - -_Dick._ Then I must be so wise as to stop his mouth. - -_Brass._ How? - -_Dick._ Give him a little back; if that won't do, strangle him. - -_Brass._ You are very quick in your methods. - -_Dick._ Men must be so that will dispatch business. - -_Brass._ Hark you, Colonel, your father dy'd in's bed? - -_Dick._ He might have done if he had not been a fool. - -_Brass._ Why, he robbed a church. - -_Dick._ Ay, but he forgot to make sure of the sexton. - -_Brass._ Are not you a great rogue? - -_Dick._ Or I should wear worse clothes. - -_Brass._ Hark you, I would advise you to change your life. - -_Dick._ And turn ballad-singer. - -_Brass._ Not so neither. - -_Dick._ What then? - -_Brass._ Why, if you can get this young wench, reform, and live honest. - -_Dick._ That's the way to be starv'd. - -_Brass._ No, she has money enough to buy you a good place, and pay me -into the bargain for helping her to so good a match. You have but this -throw left to save you, for you are not ignorant, youngster, that your -morals begin to be pretty well known about town; have a care your noble -birth and your honourable relations are not discovered too: there needs -but that to have you toss'd in a blanket, for the entertainment of the -first company of ladies you intrude into: and then like a dutiful son, -you may dangle about with your mother, and sell paint: she's old and -weak, and wants somebody to carry her goods after her. How like a dog -will you look, with a pair of plod shoes, your hair crop'd up to your -ears, and a band-box under your arm? - -_Dick._ Why faith, _Brass_, I think thou art in the right on't; I must -fix my affairs quickly, or Madam _Fortune_ will be playing some of her -bitch-tricks with me: therefore I'll tell thee what we'll do; we'll -pursue this old rogue's daughter heartily; we'll cheat his family to -purpose, and they shall atone for the rest of mankind. - -_Brass._ Have at her then, I'll about your business presently. - -_Dick._ One kiss----and success attend thee. - - [_Exit ~Dick~._ - -_Brass._ A great rogue----Well, I say nothing. But when I have got the -thing into a good posture, he shall sign and seal, or I'll have him -tumbled out of the house like a cheese. Now for _Flippanta._ - - [_He knocks._ - - _Enter ~Flippanta~._ - -_Flip._ Who's that? _Brass!_ - -_Brass._ _Flippanta!_ - -_Flip._ What want you, rogue's-face? - -_Brass._ Is your mistress dress'd? - -_Flip._ What, already? Is the fellow drunk? - -_Brass._ Why, with respect to her looking-glass, it's almost two. - -_Flip._ What then, fool? - -_Brass._ Why then it's time for the mistress of the house to come down, -and look after her family. - -_Flip._ Pr'ythee don't be an owl. Those that go to bed at night may -rise in the morning; we that go to bed in the morning rise in the -afternoon. - -_Brass._ When does she make her visits then? - -_Flip._ By candle-light; it helps off a muddy complexion; we women hate -inquisitive sun-shine: but do you know that my Lady is going to turn -good housewife? - -_Brass._ What, is she going to die? - -_Flip._ Die! - -_Brass._ Why, that's the only way to save money for her family. - -_Flip._ No; but she has thought of a project to save chair-hire. - -_Brass._ As how? - -_Flip._ Why all the company she us'd to keep abroad she now intends -shall meet at her own house. Your master has advis'd her to set up a -basset-table. - -_Brass._ Nay, if he advis'd her to it, it's right; but has she -acquainted her husband with it yet? - -_Flip._ What to do? When the company meet he'll see them. - -_Brass._ Nay, that's true, as you say, he'll know it soon enough. - -_Flip._ Well, I must be gone; have you any business with my Lady? - -_Brass._ Yes; as ambassador from _Araminta_, I have a letter for her. - -_Flip._ Give it me. - -_Brass._ Hold----and as first minister of state to the Colonel, I have -an affair to communicate to thee. - -_Flip._ What is't? quick. - -_Brass._ Why----he's in love. - -_Flip._ With what? - -_Brass._ A woman----and her money together. - -_Flip._ Who is she? - -_Brass._ _Corinna_. - -_Flip._ What wou'd he be at? - -_Brass._ At her----if she's at leisure. - -_Flip._ Which way? - -_Brass._ Honourably----he has ordered me to demand her of thee in -marriage. - -_Flip._ Of me? - -_Brass._ Why, when a man of quality has a mind to a city-fortune, -would'st have him apply to her father and mother? - -_Flip._ No. - -_Brass._ No, so I think: men of our end of the town are better bred -than to use ceremony. With a long perriwig we strike the lady, with a -you-know-what we soften the maid; and when the parson has done his job, -we open the affair to the family. Will you slip this letter into her -prayer-book, my little queen? It's a very passionate one----It's seal'd -with a heart and a dagger; you may see by that what he intends to do -with himself. - -_Flip._ Are there any verses in it? If not, I won't touch it. - -_Brass._ Not one word in prose, it's dated in rhyme. - - [_She takes it._ - -_Flip._ Well, but have you brought nothing else? - -_Brass._ Gad forgive me; I'm the forgetfullest dog----I have a letter -for you too----here----'tis in a purse, but it's in prose, you won't -touch it. - -_Flip._ Yes, hang it, it is not good to be too dainty. - -_Brass._ How useful a virtue is humility! Well, child, we shall have an -answer to-morrow, shan't we? - -_Flip._ I can't promise you that; for our young gentlewoman is not so -often in my way as she would be. Her father (who is a citizen from -the foot to the forehead of him) lets her seldom converse with her -mother-in-law and me, for fear she should learn the airs of a woman of -quality. But I'll take the first occasion: see, there's my lady, go in -and deliver your letter to her. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _a Parlour_. - - _Enter ~Clarissa~, follow'd by ~Flippanta~ and ~Brass~._ - -_Clar._ No messages this morning from any body, _Flippanta_? Lard how -dull that is! O, there's _Brass_! I did not see thee, _Brass_. What -news dost thou bring? - -_Brass._ Only a letter from _Araminta_, Madam. - -_Clar._ Give it me----open it for me, _Flippanta_, I am so lazy to-day. - - [_Sitting down._ - -_Brass._ [_To Flip._] Be sure now you deliver my master's as carefully -as I do this. - -_Flip._ Don't trouble thyself, I'm no novice. - -_Clar._ [to _Brass._] 'Tis well, there needs no answer, since she'll be -here so soon. - -_Brass._ Your ladyship has no farther commands then? - -_Clar._ Not at this time, honest _Brass_. _Flippanta_! - - [_Exit ~Brass~._ - -_Flip._ Madam. - -_Clar._ My husband's in love. - -_Flip._ In love? - -_Clar._ With _Araminta_. - -_Flip._ Impossible! - -_Clar._ This letter from her, is to give me an account of it. - -_Flip._ Methinks you are not very much alarm'd. - -_Clar._ No; thou know'st I'm not much tortur'd with jealousy. - -_Flip._ Nay, you are much in the right on't, Madam, for jealousy's a -city passion, 'tis a thing unknown amongst people of quality. - -_Clar._ Fy! A woman must indeed be of a mechanick mould, who is either -troubled or pleas'd with any thing her husband can do to her. Pr'ythee -mention him no more; 'tis the dullest theme. - -_Flip._ 'Tis splenetick indeed. But when once you open your basset -table, I hope that will put him out of your head. - -_Clar._ Alas, _Flippanta_, I begin to grow weary even of the thoughts -of that too. - -_Flip._ How so? - -_Clar._ Why, I have thought on't a day and a night already, and four -and twenty hours, thou know'st, is enough to make one weary of any -thing. - -_Flip._ Now by my conscience, you have more woman in you than all your -sex together: you never know what you would have. - -_Clar._ Thou mistakest the thing quite. I always know what I lack, but -I am never pleas'd with what I have. The want of a thing is perplexing -enough, but the possession of it is intolerable. - -_Flip._ Well, I don't know what you are made of, but other women would -think themselves blest in your case; handsome, witty, lov'd by every -body, and of so happy a composure, to care a fig for nobody. You have -no one passion, but that of your pleasures, and you have in me a -servant devoted to all your desires, let them be as extravagant as they -will: yet all this is nothing; you can still be out of humour. - -_Clar._ Alas, I have but too much cause. - -_Flip._ Why, what have you to complain of? - -_Clar._ Alas, I have more subjects for spleen than one: is it -not a most horrible thing that I should be but a scrivener's -wife?--Come,----don't flatter me, don't you think nature design'd me -for something _plus elevé_? - -_Flip._ Nay, that's certain; but on the other side, methinks, you ought -to be in some measure content, since you live like a woman of quality, -tho' you are none. - -_Clar._ O fy! the very quintessence of it is wanting. - -_Flip._ What's that? - -_Clar._ Why, I dare abuse nobody: I'm afraid to affront people, tho' I -don't like their faces; or to ruin their reputations, tho' they pique -me to it, by taking ever so much pains to preserve 'em: I dare not -raise a lye of a man, tho' he neglects to make love to me; nor report -a woman to be a fool, tho' she's handsomer than I am. In short, I dare -not so much as bid my footman kick the people out of doors, tho' they -come to ask me for what I owe them. - -_Flip._ All this is very hard indeed. - -_Clar._ Ah, _Flippanta_, the perquisites of quality are of an -unspeakable value. - -_Flip._ They are of some use, I must confess; but we must not expect to -have every thing. You have wit and beauty, and a fool to your husband: -come come, madam, that's a good portion for one. - -_Clar._ Alas, what signifies beauty and wit, when one dares neither -jilt the men nor abuse the women? 'Tis a sad thing, _Flippanta_, when -wit's confin'd, 'tis worse than the rising of the lights; I have been -sometimes almost choak'd with scandal, and durst not cough it up for -want of being a countess. - -_Flip._ Poor lady! - -_Clar._ O! Liberty is a fine thing, _Flippanta_; it's a great help in -conversation to have leave to say what one will. I have seen a woman of -quality, who has not had one grain of wit, entertain a whole company -the most agreeably in the world, only with her malice. But 'tis in vain -to repine, I can't mend my condition, till my husband dies: so I'll say -no more on't, but think of making the most of the state I am in. - -_Flip._ That's your best way, madam; and in order to it, pray consider -how you'll get some ready money to set your basset-table a going; for -that's necessary. - -_Clar._ Thou say'st true; but what trick I shall play my husband to get -some, I don't know: for my pretence of losing my diamond necklace has -put the man into such a passion, I'm afraid he won't hear reason. - -_Flip._ No matter; he begins to think 'tis lost in earnest: so I fancy -you may venture to sell it, and raise money that way. - -_Clar._ That can't be, for he has left odious notes with all the -goldsmiths in town. - -_Flip._ Well, we must pawn it then. - -_Clar._ I'm quite tir'd with dealing with those pawnbrokers. - -_Flip._ I'm afraid you'll continue the trade a great while, for all -that. - - [_Aside._ - - _Enter ~Jessamin~._ - -_Jess._ Madam, there's the woman below that sells paint and patches, -iron boddice, false teeth, and all sorts of things to the ladies; I -can't think of her name. - -_Flip._ 'Tis Mrs. _Amlet_, she wants money. - -_Clar._ Well, I han't enough for myself, it's an unreasonable thing she -should think I have any for her. - -_Flip._ She's a troublesome jade. - -_Clar._ So are all people that come a dunning. - -_Flip._ What will you do with her? - -_Clar._ I have just now thought on't. She's very rich, that woman is, -_Flippanta_, I'll borrow some money of her. - -_Flip._ Borrow! sure you jest, madam. - -_Clar._ No, I'm in earnest; I give thee commission to do it for me. - -_Flip._ Me! - -_Clar._ Why dost thou stare, and look so ungainly? Don't I speak to be -understood? - -_Flip._ Yes, I understand you well enough; but Mrs. _Amlet_---- - -_Clar._ But Mrs. _Amlet_ must lend me some money, where shall I have -any to pay her else? - -_Flip._ That's true; I never thought of that truly. But here she is. - - _Enter Mrs. ~Amlet~._ - -_Clar._ How d'you do? How d'you do, Mrs. _Amlet_? I han't seen you -these thousand years, and yet I believe I'm down in your books. - -_Aml._ O, Madam, I don't come for that, alack. - -_Flip._ Good-morrow, Mrs. _Amlet_. - -_Aml._ Good-morrow, Mrs. _Flippanta_. - -_Clar._ How much am I indebted to you, Mrs. _Amlet_? - -_Aml._ Nay, if your ladyship desires to see your bill, I believe I may -have it about me.--There, Madam, if it ben't too much fatigue to you to -look it over. - -_Clar._ Let me see it, for I hate to be in debt, where I am obliged to -pay. [_Aside._]----_Reads._] Imprimis, _For bolstering out the Countess -of ~Crump's~ left hip_----O fy, this does not belong to me. - -_Aml._ I beg your Ladyship's pardon. I mistook indeed; 'tis a -countess's bill I have writ out to little purpose. I furnish'd her two -years ago with three pair of hips, and am not paid for them yet: but -some are better customers than some. There's your Ladyship's bill, -Madam. - -_Clar._ _For the idea of a new invented commode._----Ay, this may be -mine, but 'tis of a preposterous length. Do you think I can waste time -to read every article, Mrs. _Amlet_? I'd as lief read a sermon. - -_Aml._ Alack-a-day, there's no need of fatiguing yourself at that rate; -cast an eye only, if your honour pleases, upon the sum total. - -_Clar._ Total; fifty-six pounds--and odd things. - -_Flip._ But six and fifty pounds! - -_Aml._ Nay, another body would have made it twice as much; but there's -a blessing goes along with a moderate profit. - -_Clar._ _Flippanta_, go to my cashier, let him give you six and fifty -pounds. Make haste: don't you hear me? Six and fifty pounds. Is it so -difficult to be comprehended? - -_Flip._ No, Madam, I, I comprehend six and fifty pounds, but---- - -_Clar._ But go and fetch it then. - -_Flip._ What she means, I don't know; [_Aside._] but I shall, I -suppose, before I bring her the money. - - [_Exit._ Flip. - -_Clar._ [_Setting her hair in a pocket glass._] The trade you follow -gives you a great deal of trouble, Mrs. _Amlet_. - -_Aml._ Alack-a-day, a world of pain, Madam, and yet there's small -profit, as your honour sees by your bill. - -_Clar._ Poor woman! sometimes you have great losses, Mrs. _Amlet_? - -_Aml._ I have two thousand pounds owing me, of which I shall never get -ten shillings. - -_Clar._ Poor woman! You have a great charge of children, Mrs. _Amlet_? - -_Aml._ Only one wicked rogue, Madam, who I think, will break my heart. - -_Clar._ Poor woman! - -_Aml._ He'll be hang'd, Madam----that will be the end of him. Where -he gets it, heav'n knows; but he's always shaking his heels with the -ladies, and his elbows with the lords. He's as fine as a prince, and as -grim as the best of them; but the ungracious rogue tells all that comes -near that his mother is dead, and I am but his nurse. - -_Clar._ Poor woman! - -_Aml._ Alas, Madam, he's like the rest of the world; every body's for -appearing to be more than they are, and that ruins all. - -_Clar._ Well, Mrs. _Amlet_, you'll excuse me, I have a little business, -_Flippanta_ will bring you your money presently. Adieu, Mrs. _Amlet_. - - [_Exit ~Clarissa~._ - -_Aml._ I return your honour many thanks [_Sola._] Ah, there's my good -lady, not so much as read her bill; if the rest were like her, I should -soon have money enough to go as fine as _Dick_ himself. - - _Enter ~Dick~._ - -_Dick._ Sure _Flippanta_ must have given my letter by this time; -[_Aside._] I long to know how it has been received. - -_Aml._ _Misericorde!_ what do I see! - -_Dick._ Fiends and hags--the witch my mother! - -_Aml._ Nay, 'tis he! ah, my poor _Dick_, what art thou doing here? - -_Dick._ What a misfortune---- - - [_Aside._ - -_Aml._ Good lard! how bravely deck'd art thou. But it's all one, I am -thy mother still: and tho' thou art a wicked child, nature will speak, -I love thee still, ah, _Dick_, my poor _Dick_. - - [_Embracing him._ - -_Dick._ Blood and thunder! will you ruin me? - - [_Breaking from her._ - -_Aml._ Ah the blasphemous rogue, how he swears! - -_Dick._ You destroy all my hopes. - -_Aml._ Will your mother's kiss destroy you, varlet? Thou art an -ungracious bird; kneel down, and ask my blessing, sirrah. - -_Dick._ Death and furies! - -_Aml._ Ah, he's a proper young man, see what a shape he has: ah, poor -child. - - [_Running to embrace him, he still avoiding her._ - -_Dick._ Oons, keep off, the woman's mad. If any body comes, my -fortune's lost. - -_Aml._ What fortune, ah? speak, graceless. Ah _Dick_, thou'lt be -hang'd, _Dick_. - -_Dick._ Good, dear mother, now don't call me _Dick_ here. - -_Aml._ Not call thee _Dick_! Is not that thy name? What shall I call -thee? Mr. _Amlet_? ha! Art not thou a presumptuous rascal? Hark you, -sirrah, I hear of your tricks; you disown me for your mother, and say -I'm but your nurse. Is not this true? - -_Dick._ No, I love you; I respect you; [_Taking her hand._] I am all -duty. But if you discover me here, you ruin the fairest prospect that -man ever had. - -_Aml._ What prospect? ha! come, this is a lie now. - -_Dick._ No, my honour'd parent, what I say is true, I'm about a great -fortune, I'll bring you home a daughter-in-law, in a coach and six -horses, if you'll but be quiet; I can't tell you more now. - -_Aml._ Is it possible! - -_Dick._ It's true, by _Jupiter_. - -_Aml._ My dear lad---- - -_Dick._ For Heaven's sake---- - -_Aml._ But tell me, _Dick_---- - -_Dick._ I'll follow you home in a moment, and tell you all. - -_Aml._ What a shape is there---- - -_Dick._ Pray mother go. - -_Aml._ I must receive some money here first, which shall go for thy -wedding-dinner. - -_Dick._ Here's somebody coming; s'death, she'll betray me. - - _Enter ~Flippanta~._ - - [_He makes signs to his Mother._ - -_Dick._ Good-morrow, dear _Flippanta_; how do all the ladies within? - -_Flip._ At your service, Colonel; as far at least as my interest goes. - -_Aml._ Colonel!--Law you now, how _Dick_'s respected! - - [_Aside._ - -_Dick._ Waiting for thee, _Flippanta_, I was making acquaintance with -this old gentlewoman here. - -_Aml._ The pretty lad, he's as impudent as a Page. - - [_Aside._ - -_Dick._ Who is this good woman, _Flippanta_? - -_Flip._ A gin of all trades; an old daggling cheat, that hobbles about -from house to house to bubble the ladies of their money. I have a small -business of your's in my pocket, Colonel. - -_Dick._ An answer to my letter? - -_Flip._ So quick indeed! No, it's your letter itself. - -_Dick._ Hast thou not given it then yet? - -_Flip._ I han't had an opportunity; but 'twon't be long first. Won't -you go in and see my Lady? - -_Dick._ Yes, I'll go make her a short visit. But dear _Flippanta_, -don't forget: my life and fortune are in your hands. - -_Flip._ Ne'er fear, I'll take care of 'em. - -_Aml._ How he traps 'em; let _Dick_ alone. - - [_Aside._ - -_Dick._ Your servant, good Madam. - - [_To his Mother._ - - [_Exit ~Dick~._ - -_Aml._ Your Honour's most devoted.--A pretty, civil, well-bred -gentleman this, Mrs. _Flippanta_. Pray whom may he be? - -_Flip._ A man of great note; Colonel _Shapely_. - -_Aml._ Is it possible! I have heard much of him indeed, but never saw -him before: one may see quality in every limb of him: he's a fine man -truly. - -_Flip._ I think you are in love with him, Mrs. _Amlet_. - -_Aml._ Alas, those days are done with me; but if I were as fair as I -was once, and had as much money as some folks, Colonel _Shapely_ should -not catch cold for want of a bed-fellow. I love your men of rank, they -have something in their air does so distinguish 'em from the rascality. - -_Flip._ People of Quality are fine things indeed, Mrs. _Amlet_, if they -had but a little more money; but for want of that, they are forced to -do things their great souls are asham'd of. For example--here's my -Lady--she owes you but six and fifty pounds---- - -_Aml._ Well! - -_Flip._ And she has it not by her to pay you. - -_Aml._ How can that be? - -_Flip._ I don't know; her cash-keeper's out of humour, he says he has -no money. - -_Aml._ What a presumptuous piece of vermin is a cash-keeper! Tell his -Lady he has no money?--Now, Mrs. _Flippanta_, you may see his bags are -full by his being so saucy. - -_Flip._ If they are, there's no help for't; he'll do what he pleases, -till he comes to make up his yearly accounts. - -_Aml._ But Madam plays sometimes, so when she has good fortune, she may -pay me out of her winnings. - -_Flip._ O ne'er think of that, Mrs. _Amlet_: if she had won a thousand -pounds, she'd rather die in a gaol, than pay off a farthing with it; -play money, Mrs. _Amlet_, amongst people of quality, is a sacred thing, -and not to be profan'd. 'Tis consecrated to their pleasures, 'twould be -sacrilege to pay their debts with it. - -_Aml._ Why what shall we do then? For I han't one penny to buy bread. - -_Flip._----I'll tell you----it just now comes in my head: I know my -Lady has a little occasion for money at this time; so----if you lend -her----a hundred pounds----do you see, then she may pay you your six -and fifty out of it. - -_Aml._ Sure, Mrs. _Flippanta_, you think to make a fool of me. - -_Flip._ No, the Devil fetch me if I do----You shall have a diamond -necklace in pawn. - -_Aml._ O ho, a pawn! That's another case. And when must she have this -money? - -_Flip._ In a quarter of an hour. - -_Aml._ Say no more. Bring the necklace to my house, it shall be ready -for you. - -_Flip._ I'll be with you in a moment. - -_Aml._ Adieu, Mrs. _Flippanta_. - -_Flip._ Adieu, Mrs. _Amlet_. - - [_Exit ~Amlet~._ - - _Flippanta ~sola~._ - -So----this ready money will make us all happy. This spring will set our -basset going, and that's a wheel will turn twenty others. My Lady's -young and handsome; she'll have a dozen intrigues upon her hands, -before she has been twice at her prayers. So much the better; the more -the grist, the richer the miller. Sure never wench got into so hopeful -a place: Here's a fortune to be sold, a mistress to be debauched, and -a master to be ruin'd. If I don't feather my nest, and get a good -husband, I deserve to die both a maid and a beggar. - - [Exeunt. - - - - -+ACT+ II. - - -+SCENE+, _Mr._ Gripe's _House_. - - _Enter ~Clarissa~ and ~Dick~._ - -_Clar._ What in the name of dulness is the matter with you, Colonel? -you are as studious as a crack'd chymist. - -_Dick._ My head, Madam, is full of your husband. - -_Clar._ The worst furniture for a head in the universe. - -_Dick._ I am thinking of his passion for your friend _Araminta_. - -_Clar._ Passion!----Dear Colonel, give it a less violent name. - - _Enter ~Brass~._ - -_Dick._ Well, Sir, what want you? - -_Brass._ The affair I told you of goes ill. [_To ~Dick~, aside._] -There's an action out. - -_Dick_. The Devil there is! - -_Clar._ What news brings _Brass_? - -_Dick._ Before Gad I cannot tell, Madam; the dog will never speak out. -My Lord what-d'ye-call him waits, for me at my lodging: Is not that it? - -_Brass._ Yes, Sir. - -_Dick._ Madam, I ask your pardon. - -_Clar._ Your servant, Sir. - - [_Exeunt ~Dick~ and ~Brass~._ - -_Jessamin!_ - - [_She sits down._ - - _Enter ~Jessamin~._ - -_Jes._ Madam. - -_Clar._ Where's _Corinna_? Call her to me, if her father han't lock'd -her up: I want her company. - -_Jes._ Madam, her guitar-master is with her. - -_Clar._ Psha! she's taken up with her impertinent Guitar-Man. -_Flippanta_ stays an age with that old fool, Mrs. _Amlet_. And -_Araminta_, before she can come abroad, is so long a placing her -coquet-patch, that I must be a year without company. How insupportable -is a moment's uneasiness to a woman of spirit and pleasure! - - _Enter ~Flippanta~._ - -_Clar._ O, art thou come at last? Pr'ythee, _Flippanta_, learn to move -a little quicker, thou know'st how impatient I am. - -_Flip._ Yes, when you expect money: If you had sent me to buy a -Prayer-Book, you'd have thought I had flown. - -_Clar._ Well, hast thou brought me any, after all? - -_Flip._ Yes, I have brought some. There [_Giving her a purse._] the old -hag has struck off her bill, the rest is in that purse. - -_Clar._ 'Tis well; but take care, _Flippanta_, my husband don't suspect -any thing of this; 'twould vex him, and I don't love to make him -uneasy: So I would spare him these little sort of troubles, by keeping -'em from his knowledge. - -_Flip._ See the tenderness she has for him, and yet he's always -complaining of you. - -_Clar._ 'Tis the nature of 'em, _Flippanta_; a husband is a growling -animal. - -_Flip._ How exactly you define 'em! - -_Clar._ O! I know 'em, _Flippanta_: though I confess my poor wretch -diverts me sometimes with his ill-humours. I wish he wou'd quarrel -with me to-day a little, to pass away the time, for I find myself in a -violent spleen. - -_Flip._ Why, if you please to drop yourself in his way, six to four but -he scolds one rubbers with you. - -_Clar._ Ay, but thou know'st he's as uncertain as the wind; and if -instead of quarrelling with me, he should chance to be fond, he'd make -me as sick as a dog. - -_Flip._ If he's kind, you must provoke him; if he kisses you, spit in -his face. - -_Clar._ Alas, when men are in the kissing fit, (like lap-dogs) they -take that for a favour. - -_Flip._ Nay, then, I don't know what you'll do with him. - -_Clar._ I'll e'en do nothing at all with him----Flippanta. - - [_Yawning._ - -_Flip._ Madam. - -_Clar._ My hood and scarf, and a coach to the door. - -_Flip._ Why, whither are you going? - -_Clar._ I can't tell yet, but I would go spend some money, since I have -it. - -_Flip._ Why, you want nothing that I know of. - -_Clar._ How aukward an objection now is that, as if a woman of -education bought things because she wanted 'em. Quality always -distinguishes itself; and therefore, as the mechanick people buy -things, because they have occasion for 'em, you see women of rank -always buy things because they have not occasion for 'em. Now, there, -_Flippanta_, you see the difference between a woman that has breeding, -and one that has none. O ho, here's _Araminta_ come at last. - - _Enter ~Araminta~._ - -_Clar._ Lard, what a tedious while you have let me expect you! I was -afraid you were not well; how d'ye do to-day? - -_Aram._ As well as a woman can do, that has not slept all night. - -_Flip._ Methinks, Madam, you are pretty well-awake, however. - -_Aram._ O, 'tis not a little thing will make a woman of my vigour look -drowsy. - -_Clar._ But, pr'ythee, what was't disturb'd you? - -_Aram._ Not your husband, don't trouble yourself; at least, I am not in -love with him yet. - -_Clar._ Well remember'd, I had quite forgot that matter. I wish you -much joy, you have made a noble conquest indeed. - -_Aram._ But now I have subdu'd the country, pray is it worth my -keeping? You know the ground, you have try'd it. - -_Clar._ A barren soil, heaven can tell. - -_Aram._ Yet if it were well cultivated, it would produce something to -my knowledge. Do you know 'tis in my power to ruin this poor thing of -yours? His whole Estate is at my Service. - -_Flip._ Cods-fish, strike him, Madam, and let my Lady go your halves. -There's no sin in plundering a husband, so his wife has share of the -booty. - -_Aram._ Whenever she gives me her orders, I shall be very ready to obey -'em. - -_Clar._ Why, as odd a thing as such a project may seem, _Araminta_, I -believe I shall have a little serious discourse with you about it. But, -pr'ythee, tell me how you have pass'd the night? For I am sure your -mind has been roving upon some pretty thing or other. - -_Aram._ Why, I have been studying all the ways my brain could produce -to plague my husband. - -_Clar._ No wonder indeed you look so fresh this morning, after the -satisfaction of such pleasing ideas all night. - -_Aram._ Why, can a woman do less than study mischief, when she has -tumbled and toss'd herself into a burning-fever, for want of sleep, -and sees a fellow lie snoring by her, stock-still, in a fine breathing -sweat? - -_Clar._ Now see the difference of women's tempers: If my dear would -make but one nap of his whole life, and only waken to make his will, I -shou'd be the happiest wife in the universe. But we'll discourse more -of these matters as we go, for I must make a _tour_ among the Shops. - -_Aram._ I have a coach waits at the door, we'll talk of 'em as we -rattle along. - -_Clar._ The best place in nature, for you know a hackney-coach is a -natural enemy to a husband. - - [_Exit ~Clar.~ and ~Aram.~_ - - _Flippanta ~sola~._ - -What a pretty little pair of amiable persons are there gone to hold -a council of war together! Poor birds! What would they do with their -time, if the plaguing their husbands did not help 'em to employment! -Well, if idleness be the root of all evil, then matrimony's good for -something, for it sets many a poor woman to work. But here comes Miss. -I hope I shall help her into the Holy State too ere long. And when -she's once there, if she don't play her part as well as the best of -'em, I'm mistaken. Han't I lost the letter I'm to give her?----No, here -'tis; so, now we shall see how pure nature will work with her, for art -she knows none yet. - - _Enter ~Corinna~._ - -_Cor._ What does my mother-in-law want with me, _Flippanta_? They tell -me, she was asking for me. - -_Flip._ She's just gone out, so I suppose 'twas no great business. - -_Cor._ Then I'll go into my chamber again. - -_Flip._ Nay, hold a little if you please. I have some business with you -myself, of more concern than what she had to say to you. - -_Cor._ Make haste then, for you know my father won't let me keep you -company; he says, you'll spoil me. - -_Flip._ I spoil you! He's an unworthy man to give you such ill -impressions of a woman of my honour. - -_Cor._ Nay, never take it to heart, _Flippanta_, for I don't believe a -word he says. But he does so plague me with his continual scolding, I'm -almost weary of my life. - -_Flip._ Why, what is't he finds fault with? - -_Cor._ Nay, I don't know, for I never mind him; when he has babbled for -two hours together, methinks I have heard a mill going, that's all. It -does not at all change my opinion, _Flippanta_, it only makes my head -ache. - -_Flip._ Nay, if you can bear it so, you are not to be pity'd so much as -I thought. - -_Cor._ Not pity'd! Why is it not a miserable thing, such a young -creature as I am should be kept in perpetual solitude, with no -other company but a parcel of old fumbling masters to teach me -geography, arithmetic, philosophy, and a thousand useless things. Fine -entertainment, indeed, for a young maid at sixteen! methinks one's time -might be better employ'd. - -_Flip._ Those things will improve your wit. - -_Cor._ Fiddle-faddle; han't I wit enough already? My mother-in-law has -learn'd none of this trumpery, and is not she as happy as the day is -long? - -_Flip._ Then you envy her, I find? - -_Cor._ And well I may. Does she not do what she has a mind to, in spite -of her husband's teeth? - -_Flip._ Look you there now [_Aside._] if she has not already conceived -that, as the supreme blessing of life. - -_Cor._ I'll tell you what, _Flippanta_, if my mother-in-law would but -stand by me a little, and encourage me, and let me keep her company, -I'd rebel against my father to-morrow, and throw all my books in the -fire. Why, he can't touch a groat of my portion; do you know that, -_Flippanta_? - -_Flip._ So----I shall spoil her. [_Aside._] Pray heaven the girl don't -debauch me. - -_Cor._ Look you: In short, he may think what he pleases, he may think -himself wise: but thoughts are free, and I may think in my turn. I'm -but a girl, 'tis true, and a fool too, if you believe him; but let him -know, a foolish girl may make a wise man's heart ache; so he had as -good be quiet--Now it's out---- - -_Flip._ Very well, I love to see a young woman have spirit, it's a sign -she'll come to something. - -_Cor._ Ah, _Flippanta_, if you wou'd but encourage me, you'll find me -quite another thing. I'm a devilish girl in the bottom; I wish you'd -but let me make one amongst you. - -_Flip._ That never can be, 'till you are marry'd. Come, examine your -Strength a little. Do you think, you durst venture upon a husband? - -_Cor._ A husband! Why a--if you wou'd but encourage me. Come, -_Flippanta_, be a true friend now. I'll give you advice, when I have -got a little more experience. Do you in your very conscience and soul -think I am old enough to be marry'd? - -_Flip._ Old enough! Why you are sixteen, are you not? - -_Cor._ Sixteen! I am sixteen, two months, and odd days, woman. I keep -an exact account. - -_Flip._ The duce you are! - -_Cor._ Why do you then truly and sincerely think I am old enough? - -_Flip._ I do, upon my faith, child. - -_Cor._ Why then, to deal as fairly with you, _Flippanta_, as you do -with me, I have thought so any time these three years. - -_Flip._ Now I find you have more wit than ever I thought you had; and -to shew you what an opinion I have of your discretion, I'll shew you a -thing I thought to have thrown in the fire. - -_Cor._ What is it, for _Jupiter_'s sake? - -_Flip._ Something will make your heart chuck within you. - -_Cor._ My dear _Flippanta_! - -_Flip._ What do you think it is? - -_Cor._ I don't know, nor I don't care, but I'm mad to have it. - -_Flip._ It's a four corner'd thing. - -_Cor._ What, like a cardinal's cap? - -_Flip._ No, 'tis worth a whole conclave of 'em. How do you like it? - - [_Shewing the letter._ - -_Car._ O Lard, a letter!----Is there ever a token in it? - -_Flip._ Yes, and a precious one too. There's a handsome young -gentleman's heart. - -_Cor._ A handsome young gentleman's heart! [_Aside._] Nay, then 'tis -time to look grave. - -_Flip._ There. - -_Cor._ I shan't touch it. - -_Flip._ What's the matter now? - -_Cor._ I shan't receive it. - -_Flip._ Sure you jest. - -_Cor._ You'll find I don't. I understand myself better, than to take -letters, when I don't know who they are from. - -_Flip._ I am afraid I commended your wit too soon. - -_Cor._ 'Tis all one, I shan't touch it, unless I know who it comes from. - -_Flip._ Hey-day, open it, and you'll see. - -_Cor._ Indeed I shall not. - -_Flip._ Well----then I must return it where I had it. - -_Cor._ That won't serve your turn, madam. My father must have an -account of this. - -_Flip._ Sure you are not in earnest? - -_Cor._ You'll find I am. - -_Flip._ So, here's fine work. This 'tis to deal with girls before they -come to know the distinction of sexes. - -_Cor._ Confess who you had it from, and perhaps, for this once, I -mayn't tell my father. - -_Flip._ Why then, since it must out, 'twas the Colonel: But why are you -so scrupulous, madam? - -_Cor._ Because if it had come from any body else----I would not have -given a farthing for it. - - [_Twitching it eagerly out of her hand._ - -_Flip._ Ah, my dear little rogue! [_Kissing her._] You frighten'd me -out of my wits. - -_Cor._ Let me read it, let me read it, let me read it, let me read -it, I say. Um, um, um, _Cupid_'s um, um, um, _Darts_, um, um, -um, _Beauty_, um, _Charms_, um, um, um, _Angel_, um, _Goddess_, -um--[_Kissing the letter._]--um, um, um, um, _truest Lover_, hum, um, -_Eternal Constancy_, um, um, um, _Cruel_, um, um, um, _Racks_, um, um, -_Tortures_, um, um, _fifty Daggers_, um, um, _bleeding Heart_, um, um, -_dead Man_. - -Very well, a mighty civil letter, I promise you; not one smutty word in -it: I'll go lock it up in my comb-box. - -_Flip._ Well--but what does he say to you? - -_Cor._ Not a word of news, _Flippanta_, 'tis all about business. - -_Flip._ Does he not tell you he's in love with you? - -_Cor._ Ay, but he told me that before. - -_Flip._ How so? He never spoke to you. - -_Cor._ He sent me word by his eyes. - -_Flip._ Did he so? mighty well. I thought you had been to learn that -language. - -_Cor._ O, but you thought wrong, _Flippanta_. What, because I don't go -a visiting, and see the world, you think I know nothing. But you should -consider, _Flippanta_, that the more one's alone, the more one thinks; -and 'tis thinking that improves a girl. I'll have you to know, when I -was younger than I am now, by more than I'll boast of, I thought of -things would have made you stare again. - -_Flip._ Well, since you are so well versed in your business, I suppose -I need not inform you, that if you don't write your gallant an -answer--he'll die. - -_Cor._ Nay, now, _Flippanta_, I confess you tell me something I did not -know before. Do you speak in serious sadness? Are men given to die, if -their mistresses are sour to 'em? - -_Flip._ Um----I can't say they all die----No, I can't say they all do; -but truly, I believe it wou'd go very hard with the Colonel. - -_Cor._ Lard, I would not have my hands in blood for thousands; and -therefore, _Flippanta_,----if you'll encourage me---- - -_Flip._ O, by all means an answer. - -_Cor._ Well, since you say it then, I'll e'en in and do it, tho' I -protest to you (lest you should think me too forward now) he's the only -man that wears a beard, I'd ink my fingers for. May be, if I marry him, -in a year or two's time I mayn't be so nice. - - [_Aside._ - - [_Exit ~Corinna~._ - - _Flippanta ~sola~._ - -Now heaven give him joy: he's like to have a rare wife o'thee. -But where there's money, a man has a plaister to his sore. They -have a blessed time on't, who marry for love. See!--here comes an -example----_Araminta_'s dread lord. - - _Enter ~Money-trap~._ - -_Mon._ Ah, _Flippanta_! How do you do, good _Flippanta_! How do you do? - -_Flip._ Thank you, Sir, well, at your service. - -_Mon._ And how does the good family, your master, and your fair -mistress? Are they at home? - -_Flip._ Neither of them; my master has been gone out these two hours, -and my lady is just gone with your wife. - -_Mon._ Well, I won't say I have lost my labour however, as long as I -have met with you, _Flippanta_. For I have wish'd a great while for an -opportunity to talk with you a little. You won't take it amiss, if I -should ask you a few questions? - -_Flip._ Provided you leave me to my liberty in my answers. What's this -Cot-quean going to pry into now? - - [_Aside._ - -_Mon._ Pr'ythee, good _Flippanta_, how do your master and mistress live -together? - -_Flip._ Live! Why--like man and wife, generally out of humour, quarrel -often, seldom agree, complain of one another; and perhaps have both -reason. In short, 'tis much as 'tis at your house. - -_Mon._ Good-lack! but whose side are you generally of? - -_Flip._ O' the right side always, my lady's. And if you'll have me give -you my opinion of these matters, Sir, I do not think a husband can ever -be in the right. - -_Mon._ Ha! - -_Flip._ Little, peeking, creeping, sneaking, stingy, covetous, -cowardly, dirty, cuckoldy things. - -_Mon._ Ha! - -_Flip._ Fit for nothing but taylors and dry-nurses. - -_Mon._ Ha! - -_Flip._ A dog in a manger, snarling and biting, to starve gentlemen -with good stomachs. - -_Mon._ Ha! - -_Flip._ A centry upon pleasure, set to be a plague on lovers, and damn -poor women before their time. - -_Mon._ A husband is indeed---- - -_Flip._ Sir, I say he is nothing----A beetle without wings, a windmill -without sails, a ship in a calm. - -_Mon._ Ha! - -_Flip._ A bag without money----an empty bottle----dead small beer. - -_Mon._ Ha! - -_Flip._ A quack without drugs. - -_Mon._ Ha! - -_Flip._ A lawyer without knavery. - -_Mon._ Ha! - -_Flip._ A courtier without flattery. - -_Mon._ Ha! - -_Flip._ A king without an army----or a people with one. Have I drawn -him, Sir? - -_Mon._ Why truly, _Flippanta_, I can't deny but there are some general -lines of resemblance. But you know there may be exceptions. - -_Flip._ Hark you, Sir, shall I deal plainly with you? Had I got a -husband, I wou'd put him in mind, that he was marry'd as well as I. - - Sings. - - _For were I the thing call'd a wife, - And my fool grew too fond of his pow'r, - He shou'd look like an ass all his life, - For a prank that I'd play him in an hour._ - -Tol lol la ra tol lol, _&c._--Do you observe that, Sir? - -_Mon._ I do: and think you wou'd be in the right on't. But, pr'ythee, -why dost not give this advice to thy mistress? - -_Flip._ For fear it should go round to your wife, Sir, for you know -they are play-fellows. - -_Mon._ O, there's no danger of my wife; she knows I'm none of those -husbands. - -_Flip._ Are you sure she knows that, Sir? - -_Mon._ I'm sure she ought to know it, _Flippanta_, for really I have -but four faults in the world. - -_Flip._ And, pray what may they be? - -_Mon._ Why I'm a little slovenly, I shift but once a week. - -_Flip._ Fough! - -_Mon._ I am sometimes out of humour. - -_Flip._ Provoking! - -_Mon._ I don't give her so much money as she'd have. - -_Flip._ Insolent! - -_Mon._ And a----perhaps I mayn't be quite so young as I was. - -_Flip._ The devil! - -_Mon._ O, but then consider how 'tis on her side, _Flippanta_. She -ruins me with washing, is always out of humour, ever wanting money, and -will never be older. - -_Flip._ That last article, I must confess, is a little hard upon you. - -_Mon._ Ah, _Flippanta_, didst thou but know the daily provocations -I have, thoud'st be the first to excuse my faults. But now I think -on't----Thou art none of my friend, thou dost not love me at all; no, -not at all. - -_Flip._ And whither is this little reproach going to lead us now? - -_Mon._ You have power over your fair mistress, _Flippanta_. - -_Flip._ Sir! - -_Mon._ But what then? You hate me. - -_Flip._ I understand you not. - -_Mon._ There's not a moment's trouble her naughty husband gives her, -but I feel it too. - -_Flip._ I don't know what you mean. - -_Mon._ If she did but know what part I take in her sufferings---- - -_Flip._ Mighty obscure. - -_Mon._ Well, I'll say no more; but---- - -_Flip._ All Hebrew. - -_Mon._ If thou wou'dst but tell her on't. - -_Flip._ Still darker and darker. - -_Mon._ I should not be ungrateful. - -_Flip._ Ah, now I begin to understand you. - -_Mon._ _Flippanta_--there's my purse. - -_Flip._ Say no more; now you explain, indeed----You are in love? - -_Mon._ Bitterly--and I do swear by all the Gods---- - -_Flip._ Hold----Spare 'em for another time, you stand in no need of 'em -now. A usurer that parts with his purse, gives sufficient proof of his -sincerity. - -_Mon._ I hate my wife, _Flippanta_. - -_Flip._ That we'll take upon your bare word. - -_Mon._ She's the devil, _Flippanta_. - -_Flip._ You like your neighbour's better. - -_Mon._ Oh!----an angel. - -_Flip._ What pity it is the law don't allow trucking! - -_Mon._ If it did, _Flippanta_! - -_Flip._ But since it don't, Sir----keep the reins upon your passion: -Don't let your flame rage too high, lest my lady shou'd be cruel, and -it should dry you up to a mummy. - -_Mon._ 'Tis impossible she can be so barbarous, to let me die. Alas, -_Flippanta_, a very small matter wou'd save my life. - -_Flip._ Then y'are dead--for we women never grant any thing to a man -who will be satisfied with a little. - -_Mon._ Dear _Flippanta_, that was only my modesty; but since you'll -have it out----I am a very dragon; and so your lady'll find----if ever -she thinks fit to be----Now I hope you'll stand my friend. - -_Flip._ Well, Sir, as far as my credit goes, it shall be employ'd in -your service. - -_Mon._ My best _Flippanta_--tell her--I'm all hers--tell her--my body's -hers--tell her--my soul's hers--and tell her--my estate's hers. Lord -have mercy upon me, how I'm in love! - -_Flip._ Poor man! what a sweat he's in! But hark--I hear my master; for -heaven's sake compose yourself a little; you are in such a fit, o' my -conscience he'll smell you out. - -_Mon._ Ah dear, I'm in such an emotion, I dare not be seen; put me in -this closet for a moment. - -_Flip._ Closet, man! it's too little, your love wou'd stifle you. Go -air yourself in the garden a little, you have need on't, i'faith. - - [_She puts him out._ - - _~Flippanta~ sola._ - -A rare adventure, by my troth. This will be curious news to the wives. -Fortune has now put their husbands into their hands, and I think they -are too sharp to neglect its favours. - - _Enter ~Gripe~._ - -_Gripe._ O, here's the right hand; the rest of the body can't be far -off. Where's my wife, huswife? - -_Flip._ An admirable question!----Why, she's gone abroad, Sir. - -_Gripe._ Abroad, abroad, abroad already? Why, she uses to be stewing in -her bed three hours after this time, as late as 'tis: What makes her -gadding so soon? - -_Flip._ Business, I suppose. - -_Gripe._ Business! she has a pretty head for business truly: O ho, let -her change her way of living, or I'll make her change a light heart for -a heavy one. - -_Flip._ And why would you have her change her way of living, Sir? You -see it agrees with her. She never look'd better in her life. - -_Gripe._ Don't tell me of her looks, I have done with her looks long -since. But I'll make her change her life, or---- - -_Flip._ Indeed. Sir, you won't. - -_Gripe._ Why, what shall hinder me, insolence? - -_Flip._ That which hinders most husbands; contradiction. - -_Gripe._ Suppose I resolve I won't be contradicted? - -_Flip._ Suppose she resolves you shall? - -_Gripe._ A wife's resolution is not good by law. - -_Flip._ Nor a husband's by custom. - -_Gripe._ I tell thee I will not bear it. - -_Flip._ I tell you, Sir, you will bear it. - -_Gripe._ Oons, I have borne it three years already. - -_Flip._ By that you see 'tis but giving your mind to it. - -_Gripe._ My mind to it! Death and the devil! My mind to it! - -_Flip._ Look ye, Sir, you may swear and damn, and call the furies to -assist you! but 'till you apply the remedy to the right place, you'll -never cure the disease. You fancy you have got an extravagant wife, -is't not so? - -_Gripe._ Pr'ythee change me that word fancy, and it is so. - -_Flip._ Why there's it. Men are strangely troubled with the vapours of -late. You'll wonder now if I tell you, you have the most reasonable -wife in town: And that all the disorders you think you see in her, are -only here, here, here, in your own head. - - [_Thumping his forehead._ - -_Gripe._ She is then, in thy opinion, a reasonable woman? - -_Flip._ By my faith, I think so. - -_Gripe._ I shall run mad--Name me an extravagance in the world she is -not guilty of. - -_Flip._ Name me an extravagance in the world she is guilty of. - -_Gripe._ Come then: Does not she put the whole house in disorder? - -_Flip._ Not that I know of, for she never comes into it but to sleep. - -_Gripe._ 'Tis very well: Does she employ any one moment of her life in -the government of her family? - -_Flip._ She is so submissive a wife, she leaves it entirely to you. - -_Gripe._ Admirable! Does she not spend more money in coach-hire, and -chair-hire, than would maintain six children? - -_Flip._ She's too nice of your credit to be seen daggling in the -streets. - -_Gripe._ Good! Do I set eye on her sometimes in a week together? - -_Flip._ That, Sir, is because you are never stirring at the same time; -you keep odd hours; you are always going to bed when she's rising, and -rising just when she's coming to bed. - -_Gripe._ Yes, truly, night into day, and day into night, bawdy-house -play, that's her trade; but these are trifles: Has she not lost her -diamond necklace? Answer me to that, Trapes. - -_Flip._ Yes; and has sent as many tears after it, as if it had been her -husband. - -_Gripe._ Ah----the pox take her; but enough. 'Tis resolv'd, and I will -put a stop to the course of her life, or I will put a stop to the -course of her blood, and so she shall know, the first time I meet with -her; [_Aside._] which tho' we are man and wife, and lie under one roof, -'tis very possible may not be this fortnight. - - [_Exit ~Gripe~._ - - _~Flippanta~ sola._ - -Nay, thou hast a blessed time on't, that must be confess'd. What a -miserable devil is a husband! Insupportable to himself, and a plague -to every thing about them. Their wives do by them, as children do by -dogs, teaze and provoke 'em, 'till they make them so curs'd, they snarl -and bite at every thing that comes in their reach. This wretch here is -grown perverse to that degree, he's for his wife's keeping home, and -making hell of his house, so he may be the devil in it to torment her. -How niggardly soever he is of all things he possesses, he is willing to -purchase her misery at the expence of his own peace. But he'd as good -be still, for he'll miss of his aim. If I know her (which I think I do) -she'll set his blood in such a ferment, it shall bubble out at every -pore of him; whilst hers is so quiet in her veins, her pulse shall go -like a pendulum. - - [_Exit._ - - - - -+ACT+ III. - - -+SCENE+, _Mrs._ Amlet's _House_. - - _Enter ~Dick~._ - -Where's this old woman?----A hey. What the devil, nobody at home? -Ha! her strong box!----And the key in't! 'tis so. Now fortune be my -friend. What the duce----Not a penny of money in cash!----Nor a chequer -note!----Nor a Bank bill----[_Searching the strong box._]----Nor a -crooked stick! Nor a----Mum----here's something----A diamond necklace, -by all the Gods! Oons the old woman----Zest. - - [_Claps the necklace in his pocket, then runs and asks her - blessing._] - - _Enter Mrs. ~Amlet~._ - -----Pray mother, pray to, _&c._ - -_Aml._ Is it possible!----_Dick_ upon his humble knee! Ah my dear -child!----May heaven be good unto thee. - -_Dick._ I'm come, my dear mother, to pay my duty to you, and to ask -your consent to---- - -_Aml._ What a shape is there! - -_Dick._ To ask your consent, I say, to marry a great fortune; for what -is riches in this world without a blessing? And how can there be a -blessing without respect and duty to parents? - -_Aml._ What a nose he has! - -_Dick._ And therefore it being the duty of every good child not to -dispose of himself in marriage, without the---- - -_Aml._ Now the Lord love thee [_Kissing him._]----for thou art a goodly -young man: Well, Dick----And how goes it with the lady? Are her eyes -open to thy charms? Does she see what's for her own good? Is she -sensible of the blessings thou hast in store for her? Ha! is all sure? -Hast thou broke a piece of money with her? Speak, bird, do: Don't be -modest, and hide thy love from thy mother, for I'm an indulgent parent. - -_Dick._ Nothing under heaven can prevent my good fortune, but its being -discover'd I'm your son---- - -_Aml._ Then thou art still asham'd of thy natural mother.--Graceless! -Why, I'm no whore, sirrah. - -_Dick._ I know you are not----A whore! Bless us all---- - -_Aml._ No; My reputation's as good as the best of 'em; and tho' I'm -old, I'm chaste, you rascal you. - -_Dick._ Lord, that is not the thing we talk of, mother; but---- - -_Aml._ I think, as the world goes, they may be proud of marrying their -daughter into a vartuous family. - -_Dick._ Oons, vartue is not the case---- - -_Aml._ Where she may have a good example before her eyes. - -_Dick._ O Lord! O Lord! O Lord! - -_Aml._ I'm a woman that don't so much as encourage an incontinent look -towards me. - -_Dick._ I tell you, 'sdeath, I tell you---- - -_Aml._ If a man shou'd make an uncivil motion to me, I'd spit in his -lascivious face: And all this you may tell them, sirrah. - -_Dick._ Death and furies! the woman's out of her-- - -_Aml._ Don't you swear, you rascal you, don't you swear; we shall have -thee damn'd at last, and then I shall be disgrac'd. - -_Dick._ Why then in cold blood hear me speak to you: I tell you it's -a city-fortune I'm about, she cares not a fig for your virtue; she'll -hear of nothing but quality: She has quarrell'd with one of her friends -for having a better complexion, and is resolved she'll marry, to take -place of her. - -_Aml._ What a cherry lip is there! - -_Dick._ Therefore, good dear mother, now have a care and don't discover -me; for if you do, all's lost. - -_Aml._ Dear, dear, how thy fair bride will be delighted: Go, get -thee gone, go: Go fetch her home, go fetch her home; I'll give her a -sack-posset, and a pillow of down she shall lay her head upon. Go fetch -her home, I say. - -_Dick._ Take care then of the main chance, my dear mother; remember, if -you discover me---- - -_Aml._ Go, fetch her home, I say. - -_Dick._ You promise me then---- - -_Aml._ March. - -_Dick._ But swear to me---- - -_Aml._ Be gone, sirrah. - -_Dick._ Well, I'll rely upon you--But one kiss before I go. - - [_Kisses her heartily, and runs off._ - -_Aml._ Now the Lord love thee! for thou art a comfortable young man. - - [_Exit Mrs. ~Amlet~._ - - -+SCENE+, Gripe's _House_. - - _Enter ~Corinna~ and ~Flippanta~._ - -_Cor._ But hark you, _Flippanta_, if you don't think he loves me -dearly, don't give him my letter, after all. - -_Flip._ Let me alone. - -_Cor._ When he has read it, let him give it you again. - -_Flip._ Don't trouble yourself. - -_Cor._ And not a word of the pudding to my mother-in-law. - -_Flip._ Enough. - -_Cor._ When we come to love one another to the purpose, she shall know -all. - -_Flip._ Ay, then 'twill be time. - -_Cor._ But remember 'tis you make me do all this now, so if any -mischief comes on't, 'tis you must answer for't. - -_Flip._ I'll be your security. - -_Cor._ I'm young, and know nothing of the matter; but you have -experience, so it's your business to conduct me safe. - -_Flip._ Poor innocence! - -_Cor._ But tell me in serious sadness, _Flippanta_, does he love me -with the very soul of him? - -_Flip._ I have told you so an hundred times, and yet you are not -satisfied. - -_Cor._ But, methinks, I'd fain have him tell me so himself. - -_Flip._ Have patience, and it shall be done. - -_Cor._ Why, patience is a virtue; that we must all confess----But I -fancy, the sooner it's done the better, _Flippanta_. - - _Enter ~Jessamin~._ - -_Jess._ Madam, yonder's your Geography-Master waiting for you. - - [_Exit._ - -_Cor._ Ah! how I am tir'd with these old fumbling fellows, _Flippanta_. - -_Flip._ Well, don't let 'em break your heart, you shall be rid of them -all ere long. - -_Cor._ Nay, 'tis not the study I'm so weary of, _Flippanta_, 'tis the -odious thing that teaches me. Were the Colonel my master, I fancy I -could take pleasure in learning every thing he could shew me. - -_Flip._ And he can shew you a great deal, I can tell you that. But get -you gone in, here's somebody coming, we must not be seen together. - -_Cor._ I will, I will, I will----O the dear Colonel. - - [_Running off._ - - _Enter Mrs. ~Amlet~._ - -_Flip._ O ho, it's Mrs. _Amlet_----What brings you so soon to us again, -Mrs. _Amlet_? - -_Aml._ Ah! my dear Mrs. _Flippanta_, I'm in a furious fright. - -_Flip._ Why, what's come to you? - -_Aml._ Ah! Mercy on us all----Madam's diamond necklace---- - -_Flip._ What of that? - -_Aml._ Are you sure you left it at my house? - -_Flip._ Sure I left it! a very pretty question truly! - -_Aml._ Nay, don't be angry; say nothing to madam of it, I beseech you: -It will be found again, if it be heaven's good will. At least 'tis I -must bear the loss on't. 'Tis my rogue of a son has laid his birdlime -fingers on't. - -_Flip._ Your son, Mrs. _Amlet_! Do you breed your children up to such -tricks as these then? - -_Aml._ What shall I say to you, Mrs. _Flippanta_? Can I help it? He has -been a rogue from his cradle, _Dick_ has. But he has his deserts too. -And now it comes in my head, mayhap he may have no ill design in this -neither. - -_Flip._ No ill design, woman! He's a pretty fellow if he can steal a -diamond necklace with a good one. - -_Aml._ You don't know him, Mrs. _Flippanta_, so well as I that bore -him. _Dick_'s a rogue, 'tis true, but----Mum---- - -_Flip._ What does the woman mean? - -_Aml._ Hark you, Mrs. _Flippanta_, is not here a young gentlewoman in -your house that wants a husband? - -_Flip._ Why do you ask? - -_Aml._ By way of conversation only, it does not concern me; but when -she marries I may chance to dance at the wedding. Remember I tell you -so: I who am but Mrs. _Amlet_. - -_Flip._ You dance at her wedding! you! - -_Aml._ Yes, I, I; but don't trouble madam about her necklace, perhaps -it mayn't go out of the family. Adieu, Mrs. _Flippanta_. - - [_Exit Mrs. ~Amlet~._ - -_Flip._ What--what--what does the woman mean? Mad! What a capilotade of -a story's here? The necklace lost; and her son Dick; and a fortune to -marry; and she shall dance at the wedding; and----She does not intend, -I hope, to propose a match between her son _Dick_ and _Corinna_! By my -conscience I believe she does. An old beldam! - - _Enter ~Brass~._ - -_Brass._ Well, hussy, how stand our affairs? Has miss writ us an answer -yet? My master's very impatient yonder. - -_Flip._ And why the duce does he not come himself? What does he send -such idle fellows as thee of his errands? Here I had her alone just -now: He won't have such an opportunity again this month, I can tell him -that. - -_Brass._ So much the worse for him; 'tis his business----But now, my -dear, let thee and I talk a little of our own: I grow most damnably in -love with thee; dost hear that? - -_Flip._ Phu! thou art always timeing things wrong; my head is full, at -present, of more important things than love. - -_Brass._ Then it's full of important things indeed: Dost want a -privy-counsellor? - -_Flip._ I want an assistant. - -_Brass._ To do what? - -_Flip._ Mischief. - -_Brass._ I'm thy man----touch. - -_Flip._ But before I venture to let thee into my project, pr'ythee tell -me, whether thou find'st a natural disposition to ruin a husband to -oblige his wife? - -_Brass._ Is she handsome? - -_Flip._ Yes. - -_Brass._ Why then my disposition's at her service. - -_Flip._ She's beholden to thee. - -_Brass._ Not she alone neither, therefore don't let her grow vain -upon't; for I have three or four affairs of that kind going at this -time. - -_Flip._ Well, go carry this epistle from miss to thy master; and when -thou com'st back, I'll tell thee thy business. - -_Brass._ I'll know it before I go, if you please. - -_Flip._ Thy master waits for an answer. - -_Brass._ I'd rather he should wait than I. - -_Flip._ Why then, in short, _Araminta_'s husband is in love with my -lady. - -_Brass._ Very well, child, we have a _Rowland_ for her _Oliver_: Thy -lady's husband is in love with _Araminta_. - -_Flip._ Who told you that, sirrah? - -_Brass._ 'Tis a negociation I am charged with, Pert. Did not I tell -thee I did business for half the town? I have managed Master _Gripe_'s -little affairs for him these ten years, you slut you. - -_Flip._ Hark thee, _Brass_, the game's in our hands, if we can but play -the cards. - -_Brass._ Pique and repique, you jade you, if the wives will fall into a -good intelligence. - -_Flip._ Let them alone; I'll answer for them they don't slip the -occasion.----See here they come. They little think what a piece of good -news we have for 'em. - - _Enter ~Clarissa~ and ~Araminta~._ - -_Clar._ _Jessamin_! here, boy, carry up these things into my -dressing-room, and break as many of them by the way as you can, be -sure.----O! art thou there, _Brass_! What news? - -_Brass._ Madam, I only call'd in as I was going by----But some little -propositions Mrs. _Flippanta_ has been starting have kept me here to -offer your ladyship my humble service. - -_Clar._ What propositions? - -_Brass._ She'll acquaint you, madam. - -_Aram._ Is there any thing new, _Flippanta_? - -_Flip._ Yes, and pretty too. - -_Clar._ That follows of course, but let's have it quick. - -_Flip._ Why, Madam, you have made a conquest. - -_Clar._ Hussy----But of who? quick. - -_Flip._ Of Mr. _Money-trap_, that's all. - -_Aram._ My husband? - -_Flip._ Yes, your husband, Madam: You thought fit to corrupt ours, so -now we are even with you. - -_Aram._ Sure thou art in jest, _Flippanta_. - -_Flip._ Serious as my devotions. - -_Brass._ And the cross intrigue, ladies, is what our brains have been -at work about. - -_Aram._ My dear! - - [_To ~Clarissa~._ - -_Clar._ My life! - -_Aram._ My angel! - -_Clar._ My soul! - - [_Hugging one another._ - -_Aram._ The stars have done this. - -_Clar._ The pretty little twinklers. - -_Flip._ And what will you do for them now? - -_Clar._ What grateful creatures ought; shew 'em we don't despise their -favours. - -_Aram._ But is not this a wager between these two blockheads? - -_Clar._ I would not give a shilling to go the winner's halves. - -_Aram._ Then 'tis the most fortunate thing that ever cou'd have -happen'd. - -_Clar._ All your last night's ideas, _Araminta_, were trifles to it. - -_Aram._ _Brass_, my dear, will be useful to us. - -_Brass._ At your service, Madam. - -_Clar._ _Flippanta_ will be necessary, my life! - -_Flip._ She waits your commands, Madam. - -_Aram._ For my part then, I recommend my husband to thee, _Flippanta_, -and make it my earnest request thou won't leave him one half-crown. - -_Flip._ I'll do all I can to obey you, Madam. - -_Brass._ [_To ~Clarissa~._] If your ladyship wou'd give me the same -kind orders for yours. - -_Clar._ O----if thou spar'st him, _Brass_, I'm thy enemy till I die. - -_Brass._ 'Tis enough, Madam, I'll be sure to give you a reasonable -account of him. But how do you intend we shall proceed, ladies? Must -we storm the purse at once, or break ground in form, and carry it by -little and little? - -_Clar._ Storm, dear _Brass_, storm: ever whilst you live, storm. - -_Aram._ O by all means; must it not be so, _Flippanta_? - -_Flip._ In four and twenty hours, two hundred pounds a-piece, that's my -sentence. - -_Brass._ Very well. But, ladies, you'll give me leave to put you in -mind of some little expence in favours, 'twill be necessary you are at, -to these honest gentlemen. - -_Aram._ Favours, _Brass_! - -_Brass._ Um----a----some small matters, Madam, I doubt must be. - -_Clar._ Now that's a vile article, _Araminta_; for that thing your -husband is so like mine---- - -_Flip._ Phu, there's a scruple, indeed. Pray, Madam, don't be so -squeamish; tho' the meat be a little flat, we'll find you savoury sauce -to it. - -_Clar._ This wench is so mad. - -_Flip._ Why, what in the name of _Lucifer_, is it you have to do, -that's so terrible? - -_Brass._ A civil look only. - -_Aram._ There's no great harm in that. - -_Flip._ An obliging word. - -_Clar._ That one may afford 'em. - -_Brass._ A little smile, _a propos_. - -_Aram._ That's but giving one's self an air. - -_Flip._ Receive a little letter, perhaps. - -_Clar._ Women of quality do that from fifty odious fellows. - -_Brass._ Suffer, may be, a squeeze by the hand. - -_Aram._ One's so us'd to that, one does not feel it. - -_Flip._ Or if a kiss wou'd do't? - -_Clar._ I'd die first. - -_Brass._ Indeed, ladies, I doubt 'twill be necessary to-- - -_Clar._ Get their wretched money without paying so dear for it. - -_Flip._ Well, just as you please for that, my ladies: But I suppose -you'll play upon the square with your favours, and not pique yourselves -upon being one more grateful than another. - -_Brass._ And state a fair account of receipts and disbursements. - -_Aram._ That I think should be, indeed. - -_Clar._ With all my heart, and _Brass_ shall be our book-keeper. So get -thee to work, man, as fast as thou canst: but not a word of all this to -my master. - -_Brass._ I'll observe my orders, Madam. - - [_Exit ~Brass~._ - -_Clar._ I'll have the pleasure of telling him myself; he'll be -violently delighted with it: 'tis the best man in the world, -_Araminta_; he'll bring us rare company to-morrow, all sorts of -gamesters; and thou shalt see my husband will be such a beast to be out -of humour at it. - -_Aram._ The monster----But hush, here's my dear approaching; pr'ythee -let's leave him to _Flippanta_. - -_Flip._ Ah, pray do, I'll bring you a good account of him, I'll warrant -you. - -_Clar._ Dispatch then, for the basset-table's in haste. - - [_Exit ~Clar.~ and ~Aram.~_ - - _~Flippanta~ sola._ - -So, now have at him; here he comes: We'll try if we can pillage the -usurer, as he does other folks. - - _Enter ~Money-trap~._ - -_Mon._ Well, my pretty _Flippanta_, is thy mistress come home? - -_Flip._ Yes, Sir. - -_Mon._ And where is she, pr'ythee? - -_Flip._ Gone abroad, Sir. - -_Mon._ How dost mean? - -_Flip._ I mean right, Sir; my lady'll come home and go abroad ten times -in an hour, when she's either in very good humour, or very bad. - -_Mon._ Good lack! But I'll warrant, in general, 'tis her naughty -husband that makes her house uneasy to her. But hast thou said a little -something to her, chicken, for an expiring lover? ha! - -_Flip._ Said----yes, I have said, much good may it do me. - -_Mon._ Well! and how? - -_Flip._ And how!----And how do you think you would have me do't? And -you have such a way with you, one can refuse you nothing. But I have -brought myself into a fine business by it. - -_Mon._ Good lack:----But, I hope, _Flippanta_-- - -_Flip._ Yes, your hopes will do much, when I am turn'd out of doors. - -_Mon._ Was she then terrible angry? - -_Flip._ Oh! had you seen how she flew, when she saw where I was -pointing; for you must know I went round the bush and round the bush, -before I came to the matter. - -_Mon._ Nay, 'tis a ticklish point, that must be own'd. - -_Flip._ On my word is it----I mean where a lady's truly virtuous; for -that's our case you must know. - -_Mon._ A very dangerous case indeed. - -_Flip._ But I can tell you one thing----she has an inclination to you. - -_Mon._ Is it possible! - -_Flip._ Yes, and I told her so at last. - -_Mon._ Well, and what did she answer thee? - -_Flip._ Slap----and bid me bring it you for a token. - - [_Giving him a slap on the face._ - -_Mon._ And you have lost none on't by the way, with a pox t'ye. - - [_Aside._ - -_Flip._ Now this, I think, looks the best in the world. - -_Mon._ Yea, but really it feels a little oddly. - -_Flip._ Why, you must know, ladies have different ways of expressing -their kindness, according to the humour they are in: if she had been in -a good one, it had been a kiss; but as long as she sent you something, -your affairs go well. - -_Mon._ Why, truly, I am a little ignorant in the mysterious parts of -love, so I must be guided by thee. But pr'ythee take her in a good -humour next token she sends me. - -_Flip._ Ah----good humour? - -_Mon._ What's the matter? - -_Flip._ Poor lady! - -_Man._ Ha! - -_Flip._ If I durst tell you all---- - -_Mon._ What then? - -_Flip._ You would not expect to see her in one a good while. - -_Mon._ Why, I pray? - -_Flip._ I must own I did take an unseasonable time to talk of -love-matters to her. - -_Mon._ Why, what's the matter? - -_Flip._ Nothing. - -_Mon._ Nay, pr'ythee tell me. - -_Flip._ I dare not. - -_Mon._ You must indeed. - -_Flip._ Why, when women are in difficulties, how can they think of -pleasure? - -_Mon._ Why, what difficulties can she be in? - -_Flip._ Nay, I do but guess after all; for she has that grandeur of -soul, she'd die before she'd tell. - -_Mon._ But what dost thou suspect? - -_Flip._ Why, what should one suspect, where a husband loves nothing but -getting of money, and a wife nothing but spending on't? - -_Mon._ So she wants that same, then? - -_Flip._ I say no such thing, I know nothing of the matter; pray make no -wrong interpretation of what I say, my Lady wants nothing that I know -of. 'Tis true----she has had ill luck at cards of late, I believe she -has not won once this month: but what of that? - -_Mon._ Ha! - -_Flip._ 'Tis true, I know her spirit's that she'd see her husband -hanged before she'd ask him for a farthing. - -_Mon._ Ha! - -_Flip._ And then I know him again, he'd see her drown'd before he'd -give her a farthing; but that's a help to your affair, you know. - -_Mon._ 'Tis so, indeed. - -_Flip._ Ah----well, I'll say nothing; but if she had none of these -things to fret her---- - -_Mon._ Why really, _Flippanta_---- - -_Flip._ I know what you are going to say now; you are going to offer -your service, but 'twon't do; you have a mind to play the gallant now, -but it must not be; you want to be shewing your liberality, but 'twon't -be allowed; you'll be pressing me to offer it, and she'll be in a rage. -We shall have the Devil to do. - -_Mon._ You mistake me, _Flippanta_, I was only going to say---- - -_Flip._ Ay, I know what you were going to say well enough; but -I tell you it will never do so. If one cou'd find out some way -now----ay----let me see---- - -_Mon._ Indeed I hope---- - -_Flip._ Pray be quiet----no----but I'm thinking----hum----she'll smoke -that tho'----let us consider--If one you'd find a way to----'Tis the -nicest point in the world to bring about, she'll never touch it, if she -knows from whence it comes. - -_Mon._ Shall I try if I can reason her husband out of twenty pounds, to -make her easy the rest of her life? - -_Flip._ Twenty pounds, man?----why you shall see her set that upon a -card. O----she has a great soul.----Besides, if her husband should -oblige her, it might, in time, take off her aversion to him, and by -consequence, her inclination to you. No, no, it must never come that -way. - -_Mon._ What shall we do then? - -_Flip._ Hold still----I have it. I'll tell you what you shall do. - -_Mon._ Ay. - -_Flip._ You shall make her a restitution of two hundred pounds. - -_Mon._ Ha! Restitution! - -_Flip._ Yes, yes, 'tis the luckiest thought in the world; Madam often -plays, you know, and folks who do so, meet now and then with sharpers. -Now you shall be a sharper. - -_Mon._ A sharper! - -_Flip._ Ay, ay, a sharper; and having cheated her of two hundred -pounds, shall be troubled in mind, and send it her back again. You -comprehend me? - -_Mon._ Yes, I comprehend, but a----won't she suspect if it be so much? - -_Flip._ No, no, the more the better. - -_Mon._ Two hundred pounds! - -_Flip._ Yes, two hundred pounds----Or let me see----so even a sum may -look a little suspicious----ay----let it be two hundred and thirty; -that odd thirty will make it look so natural, the devil won't find it -out. - -_Mon._ Ha! - -_Flip._ Pounds, too, look I don't know how; guineas I fancy were -better----ay, guineas, it shall be guineas. You are of that mind, are -you not? - -_Mon._ Um----a guinea, you know, _Flippanta_, is-- - -_Flip._ A thousand times genteeler, you are certainly in the right -on't; it shall be as you say, two hundred and thirty guineas. - -_Mon._ Ho----well, if it must be guineas, let's see, two hundred -guineas. - -_Flip._ And thirty; two hundred and thirty: If you mistake the sum, you -spoil all. So go put them in a purse, while it's fresh in your head, -and send 'em to me with a penitential letter, desiring I'll do you the -favour to restore them to her. - -_Mon._ Two hundred and thirty pounds in a bag! - -_Flip._ Guineas, I say, guineas. - -_Mon._ Ay, guineas, that's true. But _Flippanta_, if she don't know -they come from me, then I give my money for nothing, you know. - -_Flip._ Phu, leave that to me, I'll manage the flock for you; I'll make -it produce something I'll warrant you. - -_Mon._ Well, _Flippanta_, 'tis a great sum indeed; but I'll go try what -I can do for her. You say, two hundred guineas in a purse? - -_Flip._ And thirty; if the man's in his senses. - -_Mon._ And thirty, 'tis true, I always forget that thirty. - - [_Exit ~Money-trap~._ - -_Flip._ So, get thee gone, thou art a rare fellow, i'faith. -Brass!----it's thee, is't not? - - _Enter ~Brass~._ - -_Brass._ It is, Huswife. How go matters? I staid till thy gentleman was -gone. Hast done any thing towards our common purse? - -_Flip._ I think I have; he's going to make us a restitution of two or -three hundred pounds. - -_Brass._ A restitution!----good. - -_Flip._ A new way, sirrah, to make a lady take a present without -putting her to the blush. - -_Brass._ 'Tis very well, mighty well indeed. Pr'ythee where's thy -master? let me try if I can perswade him to be troubled in mind too. - -_Flip._ Not so hasty; he's gone into his closet to prepare himself for -a quarrel, I have advis'd him to----with his wife. - -_Brass._ What to do? - -_Flip._ Why to make her stay at home, now she has resolved to do it -beforehand. You must know, sirrah, we intend to make a merit of our -basset table, and get a good pretence for the merry companions we -intend to fill his house with. - -_Brass._ Very nicely spun, truly, thy husband will be a happy man. - -_Flip._ Hold your tongue, you fool you. See here comes your master. - -_Brass._ He's welcome. - - _Enter ~Dick~._ - -_Dick._ My dear _Flippanta_! how many thanks have I to pay thee? - -_Flip._ Do you like her style? - -_Dick._ The kindest little rogue! there's nothing but she gives me -leave to hope. I am the happiest man the world has in its care. - -_Flip._ Not so happy as you think for neither, perhaps; you have a -rival, Sir, I can tell you that. - -_Dick._ A rival! - -_Flip._ Yes, and a dangerous one too. - -_Dick._ Who in the name of terror? - -_Flip._ A devilish fellow, one Mr. _Amlet_. - -_Dick._ _Amlet_! I know no such man. - -_Flip._ You know the man's mother tho'; you met her here, and are in -her favour, I can tell you. If he worst you, in your mistress, you -shall e'en marry her and disinherit him. - -_Dick._ If I have no other rival but Mr. _Amlet_, I believe I shan't be -disturb'd in my amour. But can't I see _Corinna_? - -_Flip._ I don't know, she has always some of her masters with her: but -I'll go and see if she can spare you a moment, and bring you word. - - [_Exit ~Flippanta~._ - -_Dick._ I wish my old hobbling mother han't been blabbing something -here she should not do. - -_Brass._ Fear nothing, all's safe on that side yet. But, how speaks -young mistress's epistle? soft and tender? - -_Dick._ As pen can write. - -_Brass._ So you think all goes well there? - -_Dick._ As my heart can wish. - -_Brass._ You are sure on't? - -_Dick._ Sure on't! - -_Brass._ Why then, ceremony aside, [_Putting on his hat._] You and I -must have a little talk, Mr. _Amlet_. - -_Dick._ Ah, _Brass_, what art thou going to do? Wou't ruin me? - -_Brass._ Look you, _Dick_, few words; you are in a smooth way of making -your fortune. I hope all will roll on. But how do you intend matters -shall pass 'twixt you and me in this business? - -_Dick._ Death and Furies! What a time dost take to talk on't? - -_Brass._ Good words, or I betray you; they have already heard of one -Mr. _Amlet_ in the house. - -_Dick._ Here's a son of a whore! - - [_Aside._ - -_Brass._ In short, look smooth, and be a good prince: I am your valet, -'tis true: your footman sometimes, which I'm enrag'd at; but you have -always had the ascendant, I confess: when we were school-fellows, you -made me carry your books, make your exercise, own your rogueries, and -sometimes take a whipping for you. When we were fellow-prentices, -tho' I was your senior, you made me open the shop, clean my master's -shoes, cut last at dinner, and eat all the crust. In our sins too, I -must own you still kept me under; you soar'd up to adultery with our -mistress, while I was at humble fornication with the maid. Nay, in our -punishments you still made good your post: for when once upon a time I -was sentenced but to be whipp'd, I cannot deny but you were condemn'd -to be hang'd. So that in all times, I must confess, your inclinations -have been greater and nobler than mine; however, I cannot consent that -you shou'd at once fix fortune for life, and I dwell in my humilities -for the rest of my days. - -_Dick._ Hark thee, _Brass_, if I do not most nobly by thee, I'm a dog. - -_Brass._ And when? - -_Dick._ As soon as ever I am married. - -_Brass._ Ah, the pox take thee. - -_Dick._ Then you mistrust me? - -_Brass._ I do by my faith. Look you, Sir, some folks we mistrust, -because we don't know them; others we mistrust, because we do know -them: and for one of these reasons I desire there may be a bargain -beforehand: If not [_Raising his voice._] look ye _Dick Amlet_---- - -_Dick._ Soft, my dear friend and companion. The dog will ruin me. -[_Aside._] Say, what is't will content thee? - -_Brass._ O ho! - -_Dick._ But how canst thou be such a barbarian? - -_Brass._ I learnt it at _Algiers_. - -_Dick._ Come, make thy _Turkish_ demand then. - -_Brass._ You know you gave me a bank-bill this morning to receive for -you. - -_Dick._ I did so, of fifty pounds, 'tis thine. So, now thou are -satisfy'd, all's fix'd. - -_Brass._ It is not indeed. There's a diamond necklace you robb'd your -mother of ev'n now. - -_Dick._ Ah, you _Jew_. - -_Brass._ No words. - -_Dick._ My dear _Brass_! - -_Brass._ I insist. - -_Dick._ My old friend. - -_Brass._ _Dick Amlet_ [_Raising his voice._] I insist. - -_Dick._ Ah the Cormorant----Well, 'tis thine: but thou'lt never thrive -with it. - -_Brass._ When I find it begins to do me mischief, I'll give it you -again. But I must have a wedding-suit. - -_Dick._ Well. - -_Brass._ Some good lace. - -_Dick._ Thou shalt. - -_Brass._ A stock of linen. - -_Dick._ Enough. - -_Brass._ Not yet----a silver sword. - -_Dick._ Well, thou shalt have that too. Now thou hast every thing. - -_Brass._ God forgive me, I forgot a ring of remembrance; I wou'd not -forget all these favours for the world: a sparkling diamond I will be -always playing in my eye, and put me in mind of them. - -_Dick._ This unconscionable rogue! [_Aside._] Well, I'll bespeak one -for thee. - -_Brass._ Brilliant. - -_Dick._ It shall. But if the thing don't succeed after all?---- - -_Brass._ I'm a man of honour, and restore: and so the treaty being -finish'd, I strike my flag of defiance, and fall into my respects again. - - [_Taking off his hat._ - - _Enter ~Flippanta~._ - -_Flip._ I have made you wait a little, but I cou'd not help it, her -master is but just gone. He has been shewing her Prince _Eugene_'s -march into _Italy_. - -_Dick._ Pr'ythee let me come to her, I'll shew her a part of the world -he has never shewn her yet. - -_Flip._ So I told her, you must know; and she said, she cou'd like to -travel in good company: so if you'll slip up those back-stairs, you -shall try if you can agree upon the journey. - -_Dick._ My dear _Flippanta_! - -_Flip._ None of your dear acknowledgments, I beseech you, but up stairs -as hard as you can drive. - -_Dick._ I'm gone. - - [_Exit ~Dick~._ - -_Flip._ And do you follow him _Jack-a-dandy_, and see he is not -surpriz'd. - -_Brass._ I thought that was your post, Mrs. _Useful_: But if you'll -come and keep me in humour, I don't care if I share the duty with you. - -_Flip._ No words, sirrah, but follow him, I have somewhat else to do. - -_Brass._ The jade's so absolute there's no contesting with her. One -kiss tho' to keep the centinel warm. [_Gives her a long kiss._]----So. - - [_Exit ~Brass~._ - - _~Flippanta~ sola._ - -----A nasty rogue [_Wiping her mouth._] But, let me see what have I to -do now? This _restitution_ will be here quickly, I suppose; in the mean -time I'll go know if my lady's ready for the quarrel yet. Master yonder -is so full on't, he's ready to burst; but we'll give him vent by and by -with a witness. - - [_Exit ~Flip~._ - - - - -+ACT+ IV. - - -+SCENE+, Gripe's _House_. - - _Enter ~Corinna~, ~Dick~, and ~Brass~._ - -_Brass._ Don't fear, I'll give you timely notice. - - [_Goes to the door._ - -_Dick._ Come, you must consent, you shall consent. How can you leave me -thus upon the rack? a man who loves you to that excess that I do. - -_Cor._ Nay, that you love me, Sir, that I'm satisfy'd in, for you have -sworn you do: And I'm so pleas'd with it, I'd fain have you do so as -long as you live, so we must never marry. - -_Dick._ Not marry, my dear! why what's our love good for if we don't -marry! - -_Cor._ Ah----I'm afraid 'twill be good for little if we do. - -_Dick._ Why do you think so? - -_Cor._ Because I hear my father and mother, and my uncle and aunt, and -_Araminta_ and her husband, and twenty other married folks, say so from -morning to night. - -_Dick._ Oh, that's because they are bad husbands and bad wives; but in -our case there will be a good husband and a good wife, and so we shall -love for ever. - -_Cor._ Why there may be something in that truly; and I'm always willing -to hear reason, as a reasonable young woman ought to do. But are you -sure, Sir, tho' we are very good now, we shall be so when we come to be -better acquainted? - -_Dick._ I can answer for myself, at least. - -_Cor._ I wish you cou'd answer for me too. You see I am a plain-dealer, -Sir, I hope you don't like me the worse for it. - -_Dick._ O, by no means, 'tis a sign of admirable morals; and I hope, -since you practise it yourself, you'll approve of it in your lover. -In one word, therefore, (for 'tis in vain to mince the matter) my -resolution's fix'd, and the world can't stagger me, I marry----or I die. - -_Cor._ Indeed, Sir, I have much ado to believe you; the disease of love -is seldom so violent. - -_Dick._ Madam, I have two diseases to end my miseries; If the first -don't do't, the latter shall; [_Drawing his sword._] one's in my heart, -t'other's in my scabbard. - -_Cor._ Not for a diadem, [_Catching hold of him._] Ah, put it up, put -it up. - -_Dick._ How absolute is your command! [_Dropping his sword._] A word, -you see, disarms me. - -_Cor._ What a power I have over him! [_Aside._] The wondrous deeds of -love!----Pray, Sir, let me have no more of these rash doings tho'; -perhaps I mayn't be always in the saving humour----I'm sure if I had -let him stick himself, I should have been envy'd by all the great -ladies in the town. - - [_Aside._ - -_Dick._ Well, madam, have I then your promise? you'll make me the -happiest of mankind. - -_Cor._ I don't know what to say to you; but I believe I had as good -promise, for I find I shall certainly do't. - -_Dick._ Then let us seal the contract thus. - - [_Kisses her._ - -_Cor._ Um----he has almost taken away my breath: He kisses purely. - - [_Aside._ - -_Dick._ Hark----somebody comes. - - [_~Brass~ peeping in._ - -_Brass._ Gar there, the enemy----no, hold y'are safe, 'tis _Flippanta_. - - _Enter ~Flippanta~._ - -_Flip._ Come, have you agreed the matter? If not, you must end it -another time, for your father's in motion, so pray kiss and part. - -_Cor._ That's sweet and sour. [_They kiss._] Adieu t'ye, Sir. - - [_Exit ~Dick~ and ~Cor~._ - - _Enter ~Clarissa~._ - -_Clar._ Have you told him I'm at home, _Flippanta_? - -_Flip._ Yes, Madam. - -_Clar._ And that I'll see him? - -_Flip._ Yes, that too: But here's news for you; I have just now -receiv'd the restitution. - -_Clar._ That's killing pleasure: and how much has he restor'd me? - -_Flip._ Two hundred and thirty. - -_Clar._ Wretched rogue! but retreat, your Master's coming to quarrel. - -_Flip._ I'll be within call, if things run high. - - [_Ex. ~Flip~._ - - _Enter ~Gripe~._ - -_Gripe._ O ho!----are you there, i'faith? Madam, your humble servant, -I'm very glad to see you at home. I thought I should never have had -that honour again. - -_Clar._ Good-morrow, my dear, how d'ye do? _Flippanta_ says you are -out of humour, and that you have a mind to quarrel with me: Is it -true? ha!----I have a terrible pain in my head, I give you notice on't -beforehand. - -_Gripe._ And how the pox shou'd it be otherwise? It's a wonder you are -not dead [_~as a' wou'd you were~, Aside._] with the life you lead. Are -you not ashamed? And do you not blush to---- - -_Clar._ My dear child, you crack my brain; soften the harshness of your -voice: say what thou wou't, but let it be in an agreeable tone---- - -_Gripe._ Tone, Madam, don't tell me of a tone---- - -_Clar._ O----if you will quarrel, do it with temperance; let it be all -in cool blood, even and smooth, as if you were not moved with what you -said; and then I'll hear you as if I were not mov'd with it neither. - -_Gripe._ Had ever man such need of patience? Madam, Madam, I must tell -you, Madam---- - -_Clar._ Another key, or I'll walk off. - -_Gripe._ Don't provoke me. - -_Clar._ Shall you be long, my dear, in your remonstrances? - -_Gripe._ Yes, Madam, and very long. - -_Clar._ If you would quarrel _en abrêgé_, I shou'd have a world of -obligation to you. - -_Gripe._ What I have to say, forsooth, is not to be expressed _en -abrêgé_, my complaints are too numerous. - -_Clar._ Complaints! of what my dear? have I ever given you subject of -complaint, my life? - -_Gripe._ O Pox! my dear and my life! I desire none of your _tendres_. - -_Clar._ How! find fault with my kindness, and my expressions of -affection and respect! the world will guess by this what the rest of -your complaints may be. I must tell you, I am scandaliz'd at your -procedure. - -_Gripe._ I must tell you I am running mad with yours. - -_Clar._ Ah! how insupportable are the humours of some husbands, so full -of fancies, and so ungovernable: What have you in the world to disturb -you? - -_Gripe._ What have I to disturb me! I have you, Death and the Devil. - -_Clar._ Ah, merciful heaven! how he swears! You should never accustom -yourself to such words as these; indeed, my dear, you shou'd not; your -mouth's always full of them. - -_Gripe._ Blood and thunder! Madam---- - -_Clar._ Ah, he'll fetch the house down: Do you know you make me tremble -for you? _Flippanta_! who's there? _Flippanta_! - -_Gripe._ Here's a provoking devil for you! - - _Enter ~Flippanta~._ - -_Flip._ What in the name of _Jove_'s the matter? you raise the -neighbourhood. - -_Clar._ Why here's your master in a most violent fuss, and no mortal -soul can tell for what. - -_Gripe._ Not tell for what! - -_Clar._ No, my life. I have begged him to tell me his griefs, -_Flippanta_; and then he swears, good Lord! how he does swear. - -_Gripe._ Ah, you wicked jade! Ah, you wicked jade! - -_Clar._ Do you hear him _Flippanta_! do you hear him! - -_Flip._ Pray, Sir, let's know a little what puts you in all this fury? - -_Clar._ Pr'ythee stand near me, _Flippanta_, there's an odd froth about -his mouth, looks as if his poor head were going wrong, I'm afraid he'll -bite. - -_Gripe._ The wicked woman, _Flippanta_, the wicked woman. - -_Clar._ Can any body wonder I shun my own house, when he treats me at -this rate in it? - -_Gripe._ At this rate! why in the devil's name---- - -_Clar._ Do you hear him again? - -_Flip._ Come, a little moderation, Sir, and try what that will produce. - -_Gripe._ Hang her, 'tis all a pretence to justify her going abroad. - -_Clar._ A pretence! a pretence! Do you hear how black a charge he loads -me with? Charges me with a pretence? Is this the return for all my -downright open actions? You know, my dear, I scorn pretences: Whenever -I go abroad, it is without pretence. - -_Gripe._ Give me patience. - -_Flip._ You have a great deal, Sir. - -_Clar._ And yet he's never content, _Flippanta_. - -_Gripe._ What shall I do? - -_Clar._ What a reasonable man wou'd do; own your self in the wrong, and -be quiet. Here's _Flippanta_ has understanding, and I have moderation; -I'm willing to make her judge of our differences. - -_Flip._ You do me a great deal of honour, Madam: but I tell you -beforehand, I shall be a little on Master's side. - -_Gripe._ Right, _Flippanta_ has sense. Come, let her decide. Have I not -reason to be in a passion? tell me that. - -_Clar._ You must tell her for what, my life. - -_Gripe._ Why, for the trade you drive, my soul. - -_Flip._ Look you, Sir, pray take things right. I know Madam does fret -you a little now and then, that's true; but in the fund, she is the -softest, sweetest, gentlest lady breathing: let her but live entirely -to her own fancy, and she'll never say a word to you from morning to -night. - -_Gripe._ Oons, let her but stay at home, and she shall do what she -will: in reason, that is. - -_Flip._ D'ye hear that, Madam? nay, now I must be on master's side; you -see how he loves you, he desires only your company, pray give him that -satisfaction, or I must pronounce against you. - -_Clar._ Well, I agree. Thou know'st I don't love to grieve him: let him -be always in good humour, and I'll be always at home. - -_Flip._ Look you there, Sir, what would you have more? - -_Gripe._ Well, let her keep her word, and I'll have done quarrelling. - -_Clar._ I must not, however, so far lose the merit of my consent, as to -let you think I'm weary of going abroad, my dear: what I do is purely -to oblige you; which, that I may be able to perform, without a relapse, -I'll invent what ways I can to make my prison supportable to me. - -_Flip._ Her prison! pretty bird! her prison! do'nt that word melt you, -Sir? - -_Gripe._ I must confess I did not expect to find her so reasonable. - -_Flip._ O, Sir, soon or late wives come into good humour: husbands must -only have a little patience to wait for it. - -_Clar._ The innocent little diversions, dear, that I shall content -myself with, will be chiefly play and company. - -_Gripe._ O, I'll find you employment, your time shan't lie upon your -hands, tho' if you have a mind now for such a companion as a----let me -see----_Araminta_ for example, why I shan't be against her being with -you from morning till nigh. - -_Clar._ You can't oblige me more, 'tis the best woman in the world. - -_Gripe._ Is not she? - -_Flip._ Ah, the old satyr! - - [_Aside._ - -_Gripe._ Then we'll have, besides her, may be sometimes----her husband; -and we shall see my niece that writes verses, and my sister _Fidget_: -with her husband's brother that's always merry; and his little cousin -that's to marry the fat curate; and my uncle the apothecary, with his -wife and all his children. O we shall divert ourselves rarely. - -_Flip._ Good. - - [_Aside._ - -_Clar._ O, for that, my dear child, I must be plain with you, I'll see -none of them but _Araminta_, who has the manners of the court; for I'll -converse with none but women of quality. - -_Gripe._ Ay, ay, they shall all have one quality or other. - -_Clar._ Then, my dear, to make our home pleasant, we'll have consorts -of music sometimes. - -_Gripe._ Music in my house! - -_Clar._ Yes, my child, we must have music or the house will be so dull -I shall get the spleen, and be going abroad again. - -_Flip._ Nay, she has so much complaisance for you, Sir, you can't -dispute such things with her. - -_Gripe._ Ay, but if I have music---- - -_Clar._ Ay, but Sir, I must have music---- - -_Flip._ Not every day, Madam don't mean. - -_Clar._ No, bless me, no; but three consorts a week: three days more -we'll play after dinner at _Ombre_, _Picquet_, _Basset_, and so forth, -and close the evening with a handsome supper and a ball. - -_Gripe._ A ball! - -_Clar._ Then, my love, you know there is but one day more upon our -hands, and that shall be the day of conversation, we'll read verses, -talk of books, invent modes, tell lyes, scandalize our friends, be -pert upon religion; and in short, employ every moment of it in some -pretty witty exercise or other. - -_Flip._ What order you see 'tis she proposes to live in! A most -wonderful regularity! - -_Gripe._ Regularity with a pox---- - - [_Aside._ - -_Clar._ And as this kind of life, so soft, so smooth, so agreeable, -must needs invite a vast deal of company to partake of it, 'twill be -necessary to have the decency of a porter at our door, you know. - -_Gripe._ A porter----A scrivener have a porter, Madam! - -_Clar._ Positively a porter. - -_Gripe._ Why no scrivener since _Adam_ ever had a porter, woman! - -_Clar._ You will therefore be renown'd in story, for having the first, -my life. - -_Gripe._ _Flippanta_. - -_Flip._ Hang it, Sir, never dispute a trifle; if you vex her, perhaps -she'll insist upon a Swiss. - - [_Aside to ~Gripe~._ - -_Gripe._ But, Madam---- - -_Clar._ But, Sir, a porter, positively a porter; without that the -treaty's null, and I go abroad this moment. - -_Flip._ Come, Sir, never lose so advantageous a peace for a pitiful -porter. - -_Gripe._ Why, I shall be hooted at, the boys will throw stones at my -porter. Besides, where shall I have money for all this expence? - -_Clar._ My dear, who asks you for any? Don't be in a fright, chicken. - -_Gripe._ Don't be in a fright, Madam! But where I say---- - -_Flip._ Madam plays, Sir, think on that; women that play have -inexhaustible mines, and wives who receive least money from their -husbands, are many times those who spend the most. - -_Clar._ So, my dear, let what _Flippanta_ says content you. Go, my -life, trouble yourself with nothing, but let me do just as I please, -and all will be well. I'm going into my closet, to consider of some -more things to enable me to give you the pleasure of my company at -home, without making it too great a misery to a yielding wife. - - [_Exit ~Clarissa~._ - -_Flip._ Mirror of goodness! Pattern to all wives! well sure, Sir, you -are the happiest of all husbands. - -_Gripe._ Yes----and a miserable dog for all that too, perhaps. - -_Flip._ Why, what can you ask more, than this matchless complaisance? - -_Gripe._ I don't know what I can ask, and yet I'm not satisfy'd with -what I have neither, the devil mixes in it all, I think; complaisant or -perverse, it feels just as it did. - -_Flip._ Why then your uneasiness is only a disease, Sir, perhaps a -little bleeding and purging wou'd relieve you. - -_Clar._ _Flippanta_? - - [_~Clarissa~ calls within._ - -_Flip._ Madam calls. I come, Madam. Come, be merry, be merry, Sir, you -have cause, take my word for't. Poor devil. - -[_Aside._] - - [_Exit ~Flippanta~._ - -_Gripe._ I don't know that, I don't know that: But this I do know, that -an honest man, who has marry'd a jade, whether she's pleas'd to spend -her time at home or abroad, had better have liv'd a batchelor. - - _Enter ~Brass~._ - -_Brass._ O, Sir, I'm mighty glad I have found you. - -_Gripe._ Why, what's the matter, pr'ythee? - -_Brass._ Can no body hear us? - -_Gripe._ No, no, speak quickly. - -_Brass._ You han't seen _Araminta_, since the last letter I carry'd her -from you? - -_Gripe._ Not I, I go prudently; I don't press things like your young -firebrand lovers. - -_Brass._ But seriously, Sir, are you very much in love with her? - -_Gripe._ As mortal man has been. - -_Brass._ I'm sorry for't. - -_Gripe._ Why so, dear _Brass_? - -_Brass._ If you were never to see her more now? Suppose such a thing, -d'ye think 'twou'd break your heart? - -_Gripe._ Oh! - -_Brass._ Nay, now I see you love her; wou'd you did not. - -_Gripe._ My dear friend. - -_Brass._ I'm in your interest deep: you see it. - -_Gripe._ I do: but speak, what miserable story hast thou for me? - -_Brass._ I had rather the devil had, phu----flown away with you quick, -than to see you so much in love, as I perceive you are, since---- - -_Gripe._ Since what?----ho. - -_Brass._ _Araminta_, Sir. - -_Gripe._ Dead? - -_Brass._ No. - -_Gripe._ How then? - -_Brass._ Worse. - -_Gripe._ Out with't. - -_Brass._ Broke. - -_Gripe._ Broke! - -_Brass._ She is, poor lady, in a most unfortunate situation of affairs. -But I have said too much. - -_Gripe._ No, no, 'tis very sad, but let's hear it. - -_Brass._ Sir, she charg'd me on my life never to mention it to you, of -all men living. - -_Gripe._ Why, who should'st thou tell it to, but to the best of her -friends? - -_Brass._ Ay, why there's it now, it's going just as I fancy'd. Now -will I be hang'd if you are not enough in love to be engaging in this -matter. But I must tell you, Sir, that as much concern as I have for -that most excellent, beautiful, agreeable, distress'd, unfortunate -lady, I'm too much your friend and servant, ever to let it be said, -'twas the means of your being ruin'd for a woman----by letting you know -she esteem'd you more than any other man upon earth. - -_Gripe._ Ruin'd! what dost thou mean? - -_Brass._ Mean! Why! I mean that women always ruin those that love 'em, -that's the rule. - -_Gripe._ The rule! - -_Brass._ Yes, the rule; why wou'd you have them ruin those that don't? -How shall they bring that about? - -_Gripe._ But is there a necessity then, they shou'd ruin somebody? - -_Brass._ Yes, marry is there; how wou'd you have 'em support their -expence else? Why, Sir, you can't conceive now----you can't conceive -what _Araminta_'s privy-purse requires. Only her privy purse, Sir! Why, -what do you imagine now she gave me for the last letter I carry'd her -from you? 'Tis true, 'twas from a man she lik'd, else, perhaps, I had -had my bones broke. But what do you think she gave me? - -_Gripe._ Why, mayhap----a shilling. - -_Brass._ A guinea, Sir, a guinea. You see by that how fond she was -on't, by the bye. But then, Sir, her coach-hire; her chair-hire, her -pin-money, her play-money, her china, and her charity----wou'd consume -peers: A great soul, a very great soul! but what's the end of all this? - -_Gripe._ Ha! - -_Brass._ Why, I'll tell you what the end is----a nunnery. - -_Gripe._ A nunnery! - -_Brass._ A nunnery.----In short she is at last reduc'd to that -extremity, and attack'd with such a battalion of duns, that rather than -tell her husband (who you know is such a dog, he'd let her go if she -did) she has e'en determin'd to turn papist, and bid the world adieu -for life. - -_Gripe._ O terrible! a papist! - -_Brass._ Yes, when a handsome woman has brought herself into -difficulties, the devil can't help her out of----To a nunnery, that's -another rule, Sir. - -_Gripe._ But, but, but, pr'ythee _Brass_, but---- - -_Brass._ But all the buts in the world, Sir, won't stop her: she's a -woman of a noble resolution. So, Sir, your humble servant; I pity her, -I pity you. Turtle and mate; but the Fates will have it so, all's packt -up, and I'm now going to call her a coach, for she resolves to slip -off without saying a word: and the next visit she receives from her -friends, will be through a melancholy grate, with a veil instead of a -top-knot. - - [_Going._ - -_Gripe._ It must not be, by the Powers it must not; she was made for -the world, and the world was made for her. - -_Brass._ And yet you see, Sir, how small a share she has on't. - -_Gripe._ Poor woman! Is there no way to save her? - -_Brass._ Save her! No, how can she be saved? why she owes above five -hundred pounds. - -_Gripe._ Oh! - -_Brass._ Five hundred pounds, Sir; she's like to be sav'd -indeed.----Not but that I know them in this town wou'd give me one of -the five, if I wou'd persuade her to accept of th' other four: but she -has forbid me mentioning it to any soul living; and I have disobey'd -her only to you; and so--I'll go and call a coach. - -_Gripe._ Hold!----dost think, my poor _Brass_, one might not order it -so, as to compound those debts for----for----twelve pence in the pound? - -_Brass._ Sir, d'ye hear? I have already try'd 'em with ten shillings, -and not a rogue will prick up his ear at it. Tho' after all, for three -hundred pounds all in glittering gold, I could set their chaps a -watering. But where's that to be had with honour? there's the thing, -Sir,----I'll go and call a coach. - -_Gripe._ Hold, once more: I have a note in my closet of two hundred, -ay----and fifty, I'll go and give it her myself. - -_Brass._ You will; very genteel, truly. Go slap-dash, and offer a woman -of her scruples, money! bolt in her face: Why, you might as well offer -her a scorpion, and she'd as soon touch it. - -_Gripe._ Shall I carry it to her creditors then, and treat with them? - -_Brass._ Ay, that's a rare thought. - -_Gripe._ Is not it, _Brass_? - -_Brass._ Only one little inconvenience by the way. - -_Gripe._ As how? - -_Brass._ That they are your wife's creditors as well as hers; and -perhaps it might not be altogether so well to see you clearing the -debts of your neighbour's wife, and leaving those of your own unpaid. - -_Gripe._ Why that's true now. - -_Brass._ I'm wise you see, Sir. - -_Gripe._ Thou art; and I'm but a young lover: But what shall we do then? - -_Brass._ Why I'm thinking, that if you give me the note, do you see; -and that I promise to give you an account of it---- - -_Gripe._ Ay, but look you, _Brass_---- - -_Brass._ But look you!----Why what, d'ye think I'm a pickpocket? D'ye -think I intend to run away with your note? your paltry note. - -_Gripe._ I don't say so----I say only that in case---- - -_Brass._ Case, Sir, there is no case but the case I have put you; and -since you heap cases upon cases, where there is but three hundred -rascally pounds in the case----I'll go and call a coach. - -_Gripe._ Pr'ythee don't be so testy; come, no more words, follow me to -my closet, and I'll give thee the money. - -_Brass._ A terrible effort you make indeed; you are so much in love, -your wits are all upon the wing, just a going; and for three hundred -pounds you put a stop to their flight: Sir, your wits are worth that, -or your wits are worth nothing. Come away. - -_Gripe._ Well, say no more, thou shalt be satisfy'd. [_Exeunt._ - - _Enter ~Dick~._ - -_Dick._ S't----_Brass_! S't---- - - _Re-enter ~Brass~._ - -_Brass._ Well, Sir! - -_Dick._ 'Tis not well, Sir, 'tis very ill, Sir; we shall be all blown -up. - -_Brass._ What, with pride and plenty? - -_Dick._ No, Sir, with an officious slut that will spoil all. In short, -_Flippanta_ has been telling her mistress and _Araminta_ of my passion -for the young gentlewoman; and truly to oblige me (supposed no ill -match by the bye) they are resolv'd to propose it immediately to her -father. - -_Brass._ That's the devil! we shall come to papers and parchments, -jointures and settlements, relations meet on both sides; that's the -devil. - -_Dick._ I intended this very day to propose to _Flippanta_, the -carrying her off: and I'm sure the young houswife wou'd have tuck'd up -her coats, and have march'd. - -_Brass._ Ay, with the body and the soul of her. - -_Dick._ Why then, what damn'd luck is this? - -_Brass._ 'Tis your damn'd luck, not mine: I have always seen it in your -ugly phiz, in spite of your powder'd perriwig----pox take ye----he'll -be hang'd at last. Why don't you try to get her off yet? - -_Dick._ I have no money, you dog; you know you have stript me of every -penny. - -_Brass._ Come, damn it. I'll venture one cargo more upon your rotten -bottom: But if ever I see one glance of your hempen fortune again, I'm -off of your partnership for ever----I shall never thrive with him. - -_Dick._ An impudent rogue, but he's in possession of my estate, so I -must bear with him. - - [_Aside._ - -_Brass._ Well, come, I'll raise a hundred pounds for your use, upon my -wife's jewels here; [_Pulling out the necklace._] her necklace shall -pawn for't. - -_Dick._ Remember tho', that if things fail, I'm to have the necklace -again; you know you agreed to that. - -_Brass._ Yes, and if I make it good, you'll be the better for't; if -not, I shall: so you see where the cause will pinch. - -_Dick._ Why, you barbarous dog, you won't offer to---- - -_Brass._ No words now; about your business, march. Go stay for me at -the next tavern: I'll go to _Flippanta_, and try what I can do for you. - -_Dick._ Well, I'll go, but don't think to----O pox, Sir---- - - [_Exit ~Dick~._ - - _~Brass~ solus._ - -_Brass._ Will you be gone? A pretty title you'd have to sue me -upon truly, if I shou'd have a mind to stand upon the defensive, -as perhaps I may; I have done the rascal service enough to lull my -conscience upon't I'm sure: But 'tis time enough for that. Let me -see----First I'll go to _Flippanta_, and put a stop to this family -way of match-making, then sell our necklace for what ready money -'twill produce; and by this time to-morrow I hope we shall be in -possession of----t'other jewel here; a precious jewel, as she's set in -gold: I believe for the stone itself we may part with it again to a -friend----for a tester. - - [_Exit._ - - - - -+ACT+ V. - - -+SCENE+, Gripe's _House_. - - _Enter ~Brass~ and ~Flippanta~._ - -_Brass._ Well, you agree I'm in the right, don't you? - -_Flip._ I don't know; if your master has the estate he talks of, why -not do't all above-board? Well, tho' I am not much of his mind, I'm -much in his interest, and will therefore endeavour to serve him in his -own way. - -_Brass._ That's kindly said, my child, and I believe I shall reward -thee one of these days, with as pretty a fellow to thy husband for't, -as---- - -_Flip._ Hold your prating, Jack-a-dandy, and leave me to my business. - -_Brass._ I obey--adieu. [_Kisses her._] - - [_Exit ~Brass~._ - -_Flip._ Rascal! - - _Enter ~Corinna~._ - -_Cor._ Ah, _Flippanta_, I'm ready to sink down, my legs tremble under -me, my dear _Flippy_. - -_Flip._ And what's the affair? - -_Cor._ My father's there within, with my mother and _Araminta_; I never -saw him in so good a humour in my life. - -_Flip._ And is that it that frightens you so? - -_Cor._ Ah, _Flippanta_, they are just going to speak to him, about my -marrying the Colonel. - -_Flip._ Are they so? so much the worse; they're too hasty. - -_Cor._ O no, not a bit: I slipt out on purpose, you must know, to give -them an opportunity; wou'd 'twere done already. - -_Flip._ I tell you no; get you in again immediately, and prevent it. - -_Cor._ My dear, dear, I am not able; I never was in such a way before. - -_Flip._ Never in a way to be marry'd before, ha? is not that it? - -_Cor._ Ah, Lord, if I'm thus before I come to't, _Flippanta_, what -shall I be upon the very spot? Do but feel with what a thumpaty thump -it goes. - - [_Putting her hand to her heart._ - -_Flip._ Nay it does make a filthy bustle, that's the truth on't, child. -But I believe I shall make it leap another way, when I tell you, I'm -cruelly afraid your father won't consent, after all. - -_Cor._ Why, he won't be the death of o'me, will he? - -_Flip._ I don't know, old folk are cruel; but we'll have a trick for -him. _Brass_ and I have been consulting upon the matter, and agreed -upon a surer way of doing it in spite of his teeth. - -_Cor._ Ay, marry, Sir, that were something. - -_Flip._ But then he must not know a word of any thing towards it. - -_Cor._ No, no. - -_Flip._ So, get you in immediately. - -_Cor._ One, two, three and away. - - [_Running off._ - -_Flip._ And prevent your mother's speaking on't. - -_Cor._ But is t'other way sure, _Flippanta_? - -_Flip._ Fear nothing, 'twill only depend upon you. - -_Cor._ Nay then----O ho, ho, ho, how pure that is! - - [_Exit ~Corinna~._ - - _~Flippanta~ sola._ - -Poor child! we may do what we will with her, as far as marrying her -goes; when that's over, 'tis possible she mayn't prove altogether so -tractable. But who's here? my sharper, I think: yes. - - _Enter ~Money-trap~._ - -_Mon._ Well, my best friend, how go matters? Has the restitution been -received, ha? Was she pleas'd with it? - -_Flip._ Yes, truly; that is, she was pleas'd to see there was so honest -a man in this immoral age. - -_Mon._ Well, but a----does she know that 'twas I that---- - -_Flip._ Why, you must know I begun to give her a little sort of a hint, -and----and so----why, and so she begun to put on a sort of a severe, -haughty, reserv'd, angry, forgiving air. But soft; here she comes: -you'll see how you stand with her presently: but don't be afraid. -Courage. - -_Mon._ He, hem. - - _Enter ~Clarissa~._ - -'Tis no small piece of good fortune, Madam, to find you at home: I have -often endeavour'd it in vain. - -_Clar._ 'Twas then unknown to me, for if I cou'd often receive the -visits of so good a friend at home, I shou'd be more reasonably blam'd -for being so much abroad. - -_Mon._ Madam, you make me---- - -_Clar._ You are the man of the world whose company I think is most to -be desir'd. I don't compliment you when I tell you so, I assure you. - -_Mon._ Alas, Madam, your poor humble servant---- - -_Clar._ My poor humble servant however (with all the esteem I have for -him) stands suspected with me for a vile trick, I doubt he has play'd -me, which if I could prove upon him, I'm afraid I should punish him -very severely. - -_Mon._ I hope, Madam, you'll believe I am not capable of---- - -_Clar._ Look you, look you, you are capable of whatever you please, you -have a great deal of wit, and know how to give a nice and gallant turn -to every thing; but if you will have me continue your friend, you must -leave me in some uncertainty in this matter. - -_Mon._ Madam, I do then protest to you---- - -_Clar._ Come protest nothing about it, I am but too penetrating, as you -may perceive; but we sometimes shut our eyes, rather than break with -our friends; for a thorough knowledge of the truth of this business, -wou'd make me very seriously angry. - -_Mon._ 'Tis very certain, Madam, that---- - -_Clar._ Come, say no more on't, I beseech you, for I'm in a good deal -of heat while I but think on't; if you'll walk in, I'll follow you -presently. - -_Mon._ Your goodness, Madam, is---- - -_Flip._ War, horse. - - [_Aside to ~Money-trap~._ - -No fine speeches, you'll spoil all. - -_Mon._ Thou art a most incomparable person. - -_Flip._ Nay, it goes rarely; but get you in, and I'll say a little -something to my Lady for you, while she's warm. - -_Mon._ But S't, _Flippanta_, how long do'st think she may hold out? - -_Flip._ Phu, not a Twelvemonth. - -_Mon._ Boo. - -_Flip._ Away, I say. - - [_Pushing him out._ - -_Clar._ Is he gone? What a wretch it is! he never was quite such a -beast before. - -_Flip._ Poor mortal, his money's finely laid out truly. - -_Clar._ I suppose there may have been much such another scene within -between _Araminta_ and my dear: but I left him so insupportably brisk, -'tis impossible he can have parted with any money: I'm afraid _Brass_ -has not succeeded as thou hast done, _Flippanta_. - -_Flip._ By my faith but he has, and better too; he presents his humble -duty to _Araminta_, and has sent her----this. - - [_Shewing the note._ - -_Clar._ A bill for my love for two hundred and fifty pounds. The -monster! he wou'd not part with ten to save his lawful wife from -everlasting torment. - -_Flip._ Never complain of his avarice, Madam, as long as you have his -money. - -_Clar._ But is not he a beast, _Flippanta_? methinks the restitution -look'd better by half. - -_Flip._ Madam, the man's beast enough, that's certain; but which way -will you go to receive his beastly money, for I must not appear with -his note? - -_Clar._ That's true; why send for Mrs. _Amlet_; that's a mighty useful -woman, that Mrs. _Amlet_. - -_Flip._ Marry is she; we shou'd have been basely puzzled how to dispose -of the necklace without her, 'twould have been dangerous offering it to -sale. - -_Clar._ It wou'd so, for I know your master has been laying out for't -amongst the goldsmiths. But I stay here too long. I must in and coquet -it a little more to my lover, _Araminta_ will get ground on me else. - - [_Exit ~Clarissa~._ - -_Flip._ And I'll go send for Mrs. _Amlet_. - - [_Exit ~Flip~._ - - -+SCENE+ _opens._ - - _~Araminta~, ~Corinna~, ~Gripe~, and ~Money-trap~ at a tea-table, - very gay and laughing. ~Clarissa~ comes in to 'em._ - -_Omnes._ Ha! ha! ha! ha! - -_Mon._ Mighty well, O mighty well indeed! - -_Clar._ Save you, save you good folks, you are all in rare humour -methinks. - -_Gripe._ Why, what shou'd we be otherwise for, Madam? - -_Clar._ Nay, I don't know, not I, my dear; but I han't had the -happiness of seeing you since our honey-moon was over, I think. - -_Gripe._ Why to tell you the truth, my dear, 'tis the joy of seeing you -at home; [_Kisses her._] You see what charms you have, when you are -pleased to make use of 'em. - -_Aram._ Very gallant truly. - -_Clar._ Nay, and what's more, you must know, he's never to be otherwise -henceforwards; we have come to an agreement about it. - -_Mon._ Why, here's my love and I have been upon just such another -treaty too. - -_Aram._ Well, sure there's some very peaceful star rules at present. -Pray heaven continue its reign. - -_Mon._ Pray do you continue its reign, you ladies; for 'tis all in your -power. - - [_Leering at ~Clarissa~._ - -_Gripe._ My neighbour _Money-trap_ says true at least I'll confess -frankly [_Ogling ~Araminta~._] 'tis in one lady's power to make me the -best-humour'd man on earth. - -_Mon._ And I'll answer for another, that has the same over me. - - [_Ogling ~Clarissa~._ - -_Clar._ 'Tis mighty fine, gentlemen, mighty civil husbands indeed. - -_Gripe._ Nay, what I say's true, and so true, that all quarrels being -now at an end, I am willing, if you please, to dispense with all -that fine company we talk'd of to-day, be content with the friendly -conversation of our two good neighbours here, and spend all my toying -hours alone with my sweet wife. - -_Mon._ Why, truly, I think now, if these good women pleas'd, we might -make up the prettiest little neighbourly company between our two -families, and set a defiance to all the impertinent people in the world. - - [_Aside._ - -_Clar._ The rascals! - -_Aram._ Indeed I doubt you'd soon grow weary, if we grew fond. - -_Gripe._ Never, never, for our wives have wit, neighbour, and that -never palls. - -_Clar._ And our husbands have generosity, _Araminta_, and that seldom -palls. - -_Gripe._ So that's a wipe for me now, because I did not give her a -new-year's gift last time; but be good, and I'll think of some tea-cups -for you, next year. - -_Mon._ And perhaps I mayn't forget a fan, or as good a thing----hum, -hussy. - -_Clar._ Well, upon these encouragements, _Araminta_, we'll try how good -we can be. - -_Gripe._ Well, this goes most rarely: poor _Money-trap_, he little -thinks what makes his wife so easy in his company. - - [_Aside._ - -_Mon._ I can but pity poor neighbour _Gripe_. Lard, Lard, what a fool -does his wife and I make of him? - - [_Aside._ - -_Clar._ Are not these two wretched rogues, _Araminta_? - - [_Aside to ~Araminta~._ - -_Aram._ They are indeed. - - [_Aside to ~Clarissa~._ - - _Enter ~Jessamin~._ - -_Jess._ Sir, here's Mr. _Clip_, the goldsmith, desires to speak with -you. - -_Gripe._ Cods so, perhaps some news of your necklace, my dear. - -_Clar._ That would be news indeed. - -_Gripe._ Let him come in. - - _Enter Mr. ~Clip~._ - -_Gripe._ Mr. _Clip_, your servant, I'm glad to see you: how do you do? - -_Clip._ At your service, Sir, very well. Your servant, Madam _Gripe_. - -_Clar._ Horrid fellow! - - [_Aside._ - -_Gripe._ Well, Mr. _Clip_, no news yet of my wife's necklace? - -_Clip._ If you please to let me speak with you in the next room, I have -something to say to you. - -_Gripe._ Ay, with all my heart. Shut the door after us. [_They come -forward, and the Scene shuts behind them._] Well, any news? - -_Clip._ Look you, Sir, here's a necklace brought me to sell, at least -very like that you describ'd to me. - -_Gripe._ Let's see't----_Victoria_! the very same. Ah my dear _Mr. -Clip_----[_Kisses him._] But who brought it you? you should have seiz'd -him. - -_Clip._ 'Twas a young fellow that I know: I can't tell whether he may -be guilty, tho' its like enough. But he has only left it me now, to -shew a brother of our trade, and will call upon me again presently. - -_Gripe._ Wheedle him hither, dear Mr. _Clip_. Here's my neighbour -_Money-trap_ in the house; he's a justice, and will commit him -presently. - -_Clip._ 'Tis enough. - - _Enter ~Brass~._ - -_Gripe._ O, my friend _Brass_! - -_Brass._ Hold, Sir, I think that's a gentleman I'm looking for. Mr. -_Clip_, O your servant; what, are you acquainted here? I have just been -at your shop. - -_Clip._ I only stept here to shew Mr. _Gripe_ the necklace you left. - -_Brass._ Why, Sir, you understand jewels? [_To Gripe._] I thought you -had dealt only in gold. But I smoak the matter; hark you----a word -in your ear----you are going to play the gallant again, and make a -purchase on't for _Araminta_; ha, ha? - -_Gripe._ Where had you the necklace? - -_Brass._ Look you, don't trouble yourself about that; it's in -commission with me, and I can help you to a pennyworth on't. - -_Gripe._ A pennyworth on't, villain? - - [_Strikes at him._ - -_Brass._ Villain! a hey, a hey. Is't you or me, Mr. _Clip_, he's -pleas'd to compliment? - -_Clip._ What do you think on't, Sir? - -_Brass._ Think on't, now the devil fetch me if I know what to think -on't. - -_Gripe._ You'll sell a pennyworth, rogue! of a thing you have stol'n -from me. - -_Brass._ Stol'n! pray, Sir----what wine have you drank to-day? It has a -very merry effect upon you. - -_Gripe._ You villain; either give me an account how you stole it, or---- - -_Brass._ O ho, Sir, if you please, don't carry your jest too far, I -don't understand hard words, I give you warning on't: if you han't a -mind to buy the necklace, you may let it alone, I know how to dispose -on't. What a pox!---- - -_Gripe._ O, you shan't have that trouble, Sir. Dear Mr. _Clip_, you may -leave the necklace here. I'll call at your shop, and thank you for your -care. - -_Clip._ Sir, your humble servant. - - [_Going._ - -_Brass._ O ho, Mr. _Clip_, if you please, Sir, this won't do, -[_Stopping him._] I don't understand rallery in such matters. - -_Clip._ I leave it with _Mr Gripe_, do you and he dispute it. - - [_Exit ~Clip~._ - -_Brass._ Ay, but 'tis from you, by your leave, Sir, that I expect it. - - [_Going after him._ - -_Gripe._ You expect, you rogue, to make your escape, do you? But I have -other accounts besides this, to make up with you. To be sure the dog -has cheated me of two hundred and fifty pounds. Come, villain, give me -an account of---- - -_Brass._ Account of!----Sir, give me an account of my necklace, or I'll -make such a noise in your house, I'll raise the devil in't. - -_Gripe._ Well said, courage. - -_Brass._ Blood and thunder, give it me, or---- - -_Gripe._ Come, hush, be wise, and I'll make no noise of this affair. - -_Brass._ You'll make no noise! But I'll make a noise; and a damn'd -noise too. O, don't think to---- - -_Gripe._ I tell thee I will not hang thee. - -_Brass._ But I tell you I will hang you, if you don't give me my -necklace, I will, rot me. - -_Gripe._ Speak softly, be wise; how came it thine? who gave it thee? - -_Brass._ A gentleman, a friend of mine. - -_Gripe._ What's his name? - -_Brass._ His name!----I'm in such a passion I have forgot it. - -_Gripe._ Ah, brazen rogue----thou hast stole it from my wife: 'tis the -same she lost six weeks ago. - -_Brass._ This has not been in _England_ a month. - -_Gripe._ You are a son of a whore. - -_Brass._ Give me my necklace. - -_Gripe._ Give me my two hundred and fifty pound note. - -_Brass._ Yet I offer peace: one word without passion. The case stands -thus, either I'm out of my wits, or you are out of yours: now 'tis -plain I am not out of my wits, _Ergo_---- - -_Gripe._ My bill, hang-dog, or I'll strangle thee. - - [_They struggle._ - -_Brass._ Murder, murder! - - _Enter ~Clarissa~, ~Araminta~, ~Corinna~, ~Flippanta~, and - ~Money-trap~._ - -_Flip._ What's the matter? What's the matter here? - -_Gripe._ I'll matter him. - -_Clar._ Who makes thee cry out thus, poor _Brass_? - -_Brass._ Why, your husband, Madam, he's in his altitudes here. - -_Gripe._ Robber. - -_Brass._ Here, he has cheated me of a diamond necklace. - -_Cor._ Who, Papa? Ah dear me! - -_Clar._ Pr'ythee what's the meaning of this great emotion, my dear? - -_Gripe._ The meaning is that----I'm quite out of breath----this son of -a whore has got our necklace, that's all. - -_Clar._ My necklace! - -_Gripe._ That birdlime there--stole it. - -_Clar._ Impossible! - -_Brass._ Madam, you see master's a little----touch'd, that's all. -Twenty ounces of blood let loose, wou'd set all right again. - -_Gripe._ Here, call a constable presently. Neighbour _Money-trap_, -you'll commit him. - -_Brass._ D'ye hear? d'ye hear? See how wild he looks: how his eyes -roll in his head: tye him down, or he'll do some mischief or other. - -_Gripe._ Let me come at him. - -_Clar._ Hold----pr'ythee, my dear, reduce things to a little -temperance, and let us coolly into the secret of this disagreeable -rupture. - -_Gripe._ Well then, without passion; why, you must know, (but I'll have -him hang'd) you must know that he came to Mr. _Clip_, to Mr. _Clip_ the -dog did----with a necklace to sell; so Mr. _Clip_ having notice before -that (can you deny this, Sirrah?) that you had lost yours, brings it to -me: Look at it here, do you know it again? Ah, you traitor. - - [_To ~Brass~._ - -_Brass._ He makes me mad. Here's an appearance of something now to the -company, and yet nothing in't in the bottom. - - _Enter Constable._ - -_Clar._ _Flippanta_! - - [_Aside to ~Flippanta~, shewing the necklace._ - -_Flip._ 'Tis it, faith; here's some mystery in this, we must look about -us. - -_Clar._ The safest way is point blank to disown the necklace. - -_Flip._ Right, stick to that. - -_Gripe._ Well, Madam, do you know your old acquaintance, ha? - -_Clar._ Why, truly, my dear, tho' (as you may all imagine) I shou'd be -very glad to recover so valuable a thing as my necklace, yet I must be -just to all the world, this necklace is not mine. - -_Brass._ Huzza----here constable do your duty; Mr. Justice, I demand my -necklace, and satisfaction of him. - -_Gripe._ I'll die before I part with it, I'll keep it, and have him -hang'd. - -_Clar._ But be a little calm, my dear, do my bird, and then thou'lt be -able to judge rightly of things. - -_Gripe._ O good lack, O good lack. - -_Clar._ No, but don't give way to fury and interest both, either of -'em are passions strong enough to lead a wise man out of the way. The -necklace not being really mine, give it the man again, and come drink a -dish of tea. - -_Brass._ Ay, Madam says right. - -_Gripe._ Oons, if you with your addle head don't know your own jewels, -I with my solid one do. And if I part with it, may famine be my portion. - -_Clar._ But don't swear and curse thyself at this fearful rate; don't, -my dove: Be temperate in your words, and just in all your actions, -'twill bring a blessing upon you and all your family. - -_Gripe._ Bring thunder and lightning upon me and my family, if I part -with my necklace. - -_Clar._ Why, you'll have the lightning burn your house about your ears, -my dear, it you go on in these practices. - -_Mon._ A most excellent woman this! - - [_Aside._ - - _Enter Mrs. ~Amlet~._ - -_Gripe._ I'll keep my necklace. - -_Brass._ Will you so? then here comes one has a title to it, if I -han't; let _Dick_ bring himself off with her as he can. Mrs. _Amlet_, -you are come in very good time, you lost a necklace t'other day, and -who do you think has got it? - -_Aml._ Marry, that I know not, I wish I did. - -_Brass._ Why then here's Mr. _Gripe_ has it, and swears 'tis his wife's. - -_Gripe._ And so I do, sirrah----look here, Mistress, do you pretend -this is yours? - -_Aml._ Not for the round world I wou'd not say it; I only kept it to do -Madam a small courtesy? that's all. - -_Clar._ Ah, _Flippanta_, all will out now. - - [_Aside to ~Flip~._ - -_Gripe._ Courtesy! what courtesy? - -_Aml._ A little money only that madam had present need of, please to -pay me that, and I demand no more. - -_Brass._ So here's fresh game, I have started a new hare, I find. - - [_Aside._ - -_Gripe._ How forsooth, is this true? - - [_To ~Clarissa~._ - -_Clar._ You are in a humour at present, love, to believe any thing, so -I won't take the pains to contradict it. - -_Brass._ This damn'd necklace will spoil all our affairs, this is -_Dick_'s luck again. - - [_Aside._ - -_Gripe._ Are you not asham'd of these ways? Do you see how you are -expos'd before your best friends here? don't you blush at it? - -_Clar._ I do blush, my dear, but 'tis for you, that here it shou'd -appear to the world, you keep me so bare of money, I'm forc'd to pawn -my jewels. - -_Gripe._ Impudent houswife! - - [_Raising his hand to strike her._ - -_Clar._ Softly, chicken: you might have prevented all this by giving me -the two hundred and fifty pounds you sent to _Araminta_ e'en now. - -_Brass._ You see, Sir, I deliver'd your note: how I have been abus'd -to-day! - -_Gripe._ I'm betray'd----jades on both sides, I see that. - - [_Aside._ - -_Mon._ But, Madam, Madam, is this true I hear? Have you taken a present -of two hundred and fifty pounds? Pray what were you to return for these -pounds, Madam, ha? - -_Aram._ Nothing, my dear, I only took 'em to reimburse you of about the -same sum you sent to _Clarissa_. - -_Mon._ Hum, hum, hum. - -_Gripe._ How, gentlewoman, did you receive money from him? - -_Clar._ O, my dear, 'twas only in jest, I knew you'd give it again to -his wife. - -_Aml._ But amongst all this tintamar, I don't hear a word of my hundred -pounds. Is it Madam will pay me, or Master? - -_Gripe._ I pay, the Devil shall pay. - -_Clar._ Look you, my dear, malice apart, pay Mrs. _Amlet_ her money, -and I'll forgive you the wrong you intended my bed with _Araminta_: Am -not I a good wife now? - -_Gripe._ I burst with rage, and will get rid of this noose, tho' I tuck -myself up in another. - -_Mon._ Nay, pray, e'en tuck me up with you. - - [_Exit ~Mon.~ and ~Gripe.~_ - -_Clar. & Aram._ B'ye, dearies. - - _Enter ~Dick~._ - -_Cor._ Look, look, _Flippanta_, here's the colonel come at last. - -_Dick._ Ladies, I ask your pardon, I have stay'd so long, but---- - -_Aml._ Ah rogue's face, have I got thee, old Good-for-nought? sirrah, -sirrah, do you think to amuse me with your marriages, and your great -fortunes? Thou hast play'd me a rare prank by my conscience. Why you -ungracious rascal, what do you think will be the end of all this? Now -Heaven forgive me, but I have a great mind to hang thee for't. - -_Cor._ She talks to him very familiarly, _Flippanta_. - -_Flip._ So methinks, by my faith. - -_Brass._ Now the rogue's star is making an end of him. - - [_Aside._ - -_Dick._ What shall I do with her? - - [_Aside._ - -_Aml._ Do but look at him, my dames, he has the countenance of a -cherubim, but he's a rogue in his heart. - -_Clar._ What is the meaning of all this, Mrs. _Amlet_? - -_Aml._ The meaning, good lack! Why this all-to-be powder'd rascal here, -is my son, an't please you; ha, graceless? Now I'll make you own your -mother, vermine. - -_Clar._ What, the colonel your son? - -_Aml._ 'Tis _Dick_, Madam, that rogue _Dick_, I have so often told you -of, with tears trickling down my old cheeks. - -_Aram._ The woman's mad, it can never be. - -_Aml._ Speak, rogue, am I not thy mother, ha? Did I not bring thee -forth? say then. - -_Dick._ What will you have me say? you had a mind to ruin me, and you -have done't; wou'd you do any more? - -_Clar._ Then, sir, you are son to good Mrs. _Amlet_? - -_Aram._ And have had the assurance to put upon us all this while? - -_Flip._ And the confidence to think of marrying _Corinna_. - -_Brass._ And the impudence to hire me for your servant, who am as well -born as yourself. - -_Clar._ Indeed I think he shou'd be corrected. - -_Aram._ Indeed I think he deserves to be cudgell'd. - -_Flip._ Indeed I think he might be pumpt. - -_Brass._ Indeed I think he will be hang'd. - -_Aml._ Good lack-a-day, good lack-a-day! there's no need to be so smart -upon him neither: if he is not a gentleman, he's a gentleman's fellow. -Come hither, _Dick_, they shan't run thee down neither: cock up thy -hat, _Dick_, and tell them tho' Mrs. _Amlet_ is thy mother, she can -make thee amends, with ten thousand good pounds to buy thee some lands, -and build thee a house in the midst on't. - -_Omnes._ How! - -_Clar._ Ten thousand pounds, Mrs. _Amlet_? - -_Aml._ Yes, forsooth; tho' I shou'd lose the hundred, you pawn'd your -necklace for. Tell 'em that, _Dick_. - -_Cor._ Look you, _Flippanta_, I can hold no longer, and I hate to see -the young man abus'd. And so, Sir, if you please, I'm your friend -and servant, and what's mine is yours; and when our estates are put -together, I don't doubt but we shall do as well as the best of 'em. - -_Dick._ Say'st thou so, my little queen? Why then if dear mother will -give us her blessing, the parson shall give us a tack. We'll get her a -score of grand-children, and a merry house we'll make her. - - [_They kneel to Mrs. ~Amlet~._ - -_Aml._ Ah----ha, ha, ha, the pretty pair, the pretty pair! rise my -chickens, rise, rise and face the proudest of them. And if Madam does -not deign to give her consent, a fig for her _Dick_----Why how now? - -_Clar._ Pray, Mrs. _Amlet_, don't be in a passion, the girl is my -husband's girl, and if you can have his consent, upon my word you shall -have mine, for any thing that belongs to him. - -_Flip._ Then all is peace again, but we have been more lucky than wise. - -_Aram._ And I suppose, for us, _Clarissa_, we are to go on with our -dears, as we us'd to do. - -_Clar._ Just in the same track, for this late treaty of agreement with -'em, was so unnatural, you see it cou'd not hold. But 'tis just as well -with us, as if it had. Well, 'tis a strange fate, good folks. But while -you live, every thing gets well out of a broil, but a husband. - - - - -EPILOGUE, - - - Spoken by Mrs. =Barry=. - - _I've heard wise men in politicks lay down } - What feats by little England might be done, } - Were all agreed, and all would act as one. } - Ye wives a useful hint from this might take, } - The heavy, old, despotick kingdom shake, } - And make your matrimonial_ Monsieurs _quake. } - Our heads are feeble, and we're cramp'd by laws; - Our hands are weak, and not too strong our cause: - Yet would those heads and hands, such as they are, } - In firm confed'racy resolve on war, } - You'd find your tyrants----what I've found my dear. } - What only two united can produce - You've seen to-night, a sample for your use: - Single, we found we nothing could obtain; - We join our force--and we subdu'd our men. - Believe me (my dear sex) they are not brave; - Try each your man, you'll quickly find your slave. - I know they'll make campaigns, risk blood and life; } - But this is a more terrifying strife; } - They'll stand a shot, who'll tremble at a wife. } - Beat then your drums, and your shrill trumpets sound, } - Let all your visits of your feats resound: } - And deeds of war in cups of tea go round: } - The stars are with you, fate is in your hand, } - In twelve months time you've vanquish'd half the land; } - Be wise, and keep 'em under good command. } - This year will to your glory long be known, - And deathless ballads hand your triumphs down; - Your late atchievements ever will remain, } - For tho' you cannot boast of many slain, } - Your pris'ners shew, you've made a brave campaign._ } - -[Illustration] - - - - -THE - -MISTAKE. - -A - -COMEDY. - - -[Illustration] - - - - -PROLOGUE, - - - _Written by Mr._ +STEELE+. - - Spoken by Mr. _Booth_. - - _Our author's wit and rallery to-night } - Perhaps might please, but that your stage delight } - No more is in your minds, but ears and sight. } - With audiences compos'd of belles and beaux, - The first dramatick rule is, have good clothes, - To charm the gay spectator's gentle breast, } - In lace and feather Tragedy's express'd, } - And heroes die unpity'd, if ill-dress'd._ } - - _The other stile you full as well advance; - If 'tis a comedy, you ask----who dance? - For oh! what dire convulsions have of late - Torn and distracted each dramatick state, - On this great question, which house first should sell - The new ~French~ steps imported by ~Ruel~! - ~Desbarques~ can't rise so high, we must agree, - They've half a foot in height more wit than we. - But tho' the genius of our learned age } - Thinks fit to dance and sing, quite off the stage, } - True action, comic mirth, and tragic rage; } - Yet as your taste now stands, our author draws - Some hopes of your indulgence and applause. - For that great end this edifice he made, - Where humble swain at lady's feet is laid; - Where the pleas'd nymph her conquer'd lover spies, } - Then to glass pillars turns her conscious eyes, } - And points anew each charm, for which he dies._ } - - _The muse, before nor terrible nor great, - Enjoys by him this awful gilded seat: - By him theatric angels mount more high, - And mimick thunders shake a broader sky. - Thus all must own, our author has done more - For your delight, than any bard before. - His thoughts are still to raise your pleasures fill'd; - To write, translate, to blazon, or to build. - Then take him in a lump, nor nicely pry - Into small faults that 'scape a busy eye; - But kindly, Sirs, consider, he to-day - Finds you the house, the actors, and the play: - So, tho' we stage-mechanick rules omit, - You must allow it in a whole-sale wit._ - - - - -Dramatis Personæ. - - -MEN. - - Don _Alvarez_, father to _Leonora_. Mr. _Betterton._ - - Don _Felix_, father to _Lorenzo_. Mr. _Bright._ - - Don _Carlos_, in love with _Leonora_. Mr. _Booth._ - - Don _Lorenzo_, in love with _Leonora_. Mr. _Husbands._ - - _Metaphrastus_, tutor to _Camillo_. Mr. _Freeman._ - - _Sancho_, Servant to _Carlos_. Mr. _Dogget._ - - _Lopez_, servant to _Lorenzo_. Mr. _Pack._ - - A Bravo. - - -WOMEN. - - _Leonora_, daughter to _Alvarez_. Mrs. _Bowman._ - - _Camillo_, suppos'd son to _Alvarez_. Mrs. _Harcourt._ - - _Isabella_, her friend. Mrs. _Porter._ - - _Jacinta_, servant to _Leonora_. Mrs. _Baker._ - - THE - - MISTAKE. - - - - -+ACT+ I. +SCENE+ I. - - +SCENE+, _the Street_. - - - _Enter ~Carlos~ and ~Sancho~._ - -_Car._ I Tell thee, I am satisfy'd, I'm in love enough to be suspicious -of every body. - -_San._ And yet methinks, Sir, you shou'd leave me out. - -_Car._ It may be so; I can't tell: but I'm not at ease. If they don't -make a knave, at least they will make a fool of thee. - -_San._ I don't believe a word on't: but good faith, Master, your love -makes somewhat of you; I don't know what 'tis; but methinks when you -suspect me, you don't seem a man of half those parts I us'd to take -you for. Look in my face, 'tis round and comely, not one hollow line -of a villain in it: men of my fabrick don't use to be suspected for -knaves; and when you take us for fools, we never take you for wise -men. For my part, in this present case, I take myself to be mighty -deep. A stander-by, Sir, sees more than a gamester. You are pleased -to be jealous of your poor Mistress without a cause, she uses you but -too well, in my humble opinion; she sees you, and talks with you, till -I'm quite tir'd on't sometimes; and your rival that you are so scar'd -about, forces a visit upon her about once in a fortnight. - -_Car._ Alas, thou art ignorant of these affairs, he that's the civilest -received is often the least car'd for: women appear warm to one, to -hide a flame for another. _Lorenzo_ in short appears too compos'd of -late to be a rejected lover, and the indifference he shews upon the -favours I seem to receive from her, poisons the pleasure I else shou'd -taste in them, and keeps me upon a perpetual rack. No----I would fain -see some of his jealous transports, have him fire at the sight of -me, contradict me whenever I speak, affront me wherever he meets me, -challenge me, fight me---- - -_San._ ----Run you through the guts. - -_Car._ But he's too calm, his heart's too much at ease, to leave me -mine at rest. - -_San._ But, Sir, you forget that there are two ways for our hearts to -get at ease; when our mistresses come to be very fond of us, or we--not -to care a fig for them. Now suppose upon the rebukes you know he has -had, it shou'd chance to be the latter. - -_Car._ Again thy ignorance appears; alas, a lover who has broke his -chain, will shun the tyrant that enslaved him. Indifference never -is his lot; he loves or hates for ever; and if his mistress proves -another's prize, he cannot calmly see her in his arms. - -_San._ For my part, Master, I am not so great a philosopher as you -be, nor (thank my stars) so bitter a lover, but what I see----that I -generally believe; and when _Jacinta_ tells me she loves me dearly, I -have good thoughts enough of my person never to doubt the truth on't. -See here the baggage comes. - - _Enter ~Jacinta~ with a letter._ - -Hist! _Jacinta_! my dear. - -_Jacin._ Who's that? Blunderbuss! Where's your Master? - -_San._ Hard by. - - [_Shewing him._ - -_Jacin._ O, Sir, I'm glad I have found you at last; I believe I have -travel'd five miles after you, and could neither find you at home, nor -in the walks, nor at church, nor at the opera nor---- - -_San._ Nor any where else, where he was not to be found: if you had -look'd for him where he was, 'twas ten to one but you had met with him. - -_Jacin._ I had, Jack-a-dandy! - -_Car._ But pr'ythee what's the matter? Who sent you after me? - -_Jacin._ One who's never well but when she sees you, I think; 'twas my -Lady. - -_Car._ Dear _Jacinta_, I fain would flatter myself, but am not able; -the blessing's too great to be my lot: yet 'tis not well to trifle with -me; how short soe'er I am in other merit, the tenderness I have for -_Leonora_ claims something from her generosity. I should not be deluded. - -_Jacin._ And why do you think you are? methinks she's pretty well above -board with you: what must be done more to satisfy you? - -_San._ Why _Lorenzo_ must hang himself, and then we are content. - -_Jacin._ How! _Lorenzo_? - -_San._ If less will do, he'll tell you. - -_Jacin._ Why, you are not mad, Sir, are you? Jealous of him! Pray which -way may this have got into your head? I took you for a man of sense -before----Is this your doings, dog? - - [_To ~Sancho~._ - -_San._ No, forsooth _Pert_, I'm not much given to suspicion, as you can -tell, Mrs. _Forward_----if I were, I might find more cause I guess, -than your Mistress has given our Master here. But I have so many pretty -thoughts of my own person, hussy, more than I have of yours, that I -stand in dread of no man. - -_Jacin._ That's the way to prosper; however, so far I'll confess the -truth to thee; at least if that don't do, nothing else will. Men are -mighty simple in love-matters, Sir: when you suspect woman's a falling -off, you fall a plaguing her to bring her on again, attack her with -reason and a sour face: udslife, Sir, attack her with a fiddle, -double your good humour----give her a ball----powder your perriwig at -her----let her cheat you at cards a little, and I'll warrant all's -right again. But to come upon a poor woman with the gloomy face of -jealousy, before she gives the least occasion for't, is to set a -complaisant rival in too favourable a light. Sir, Sir, I must tell you, -I have seen those have ow'd their success to nothing else. - -_Car._ Say no more; I have been to blame, but there shall be no more -on't. - -_Jac._ I should punish you but justly however for what's past, if I -carried back what I have brought you; but I'm good-natur'd, so here -'tis; open it, and see how wrong you tim'd your jealousy. - -_Car._ [Reads.] _If you love me with that tenderness you have made me -long believe you do, this letter will be welcome; 'tis to tell you, you -have leave to plead a daughter's weakness to a father's indulgence: and -if you prevail with him to lay his commands upon me, you shall be as -happy as my obedience to them can make you._ Leonora. - -Then I shall be what man was never yet [_Kissing the Letter._] Ten -thousand blessings on thee for thy news, I could adore thee as a Deity. - - [_Embracing ~Jacin~._ - -_Jacin._ True flesh and blood, every inch of her, for all that. - -_Car._ [Reads again.] _And if you prevail with him to lay his commands -upon me, you shall be as happy as my obedience to them can make you._ - -O happy, happy _Carlos_! But what shall I say to thee for this welcome -message? [_To ~Jacinta~._] Alas! I want words----But let this speak for -me, and this, and this, and---- - - [_Giving her his ring, watch, and purse._ - -_San._ Hold, Sir; pray leave a little something for our board-wages. -You can't carry 'em all, I believe: [_To ~Jacinta~._] shall I ease thee -of this? - - [_Offering to take the purse._ - -_Jacin._ No; but you may carry----That, sirrah. - - [_Giving him a box o' th' ear._ - -_San._ The jade's grown purse-proud already. - -_Car._ Well, dear _Jacinta_, say something to your charming mistress, -that I am not able to say myself: But, above all, excuse my late -unpardonable folly, and offer her my life to expiate my crime. - -_Jacin._ The best plea for pardon will be never to repeat the fault. - -_Car._ If that will do 'tis seal'd for ever. - -_Jacin._ Enough; but I must be gone; success attend you with the old -gentleman. Good-by t'ye, Sir. - - [_Exit ~Jacin~._ - -_Car._ Eternal blessings follow thee. - -_San._ I think she has taken them all with her; the jade has got her -apron full. - -_Car._ Is not that _Lorenzo_ coming this way? - -_San._ Yes, 'tis he; for my part now I pity the poor gentleman. - - _Enter ~Lorenzo~._ - -_Car._ I'll let him see at last I can be chearful too. Your servant, -Don _Lorenzo_; how do you do this morning? - -_Lor._ I thank you, Don _Carlos_, perfectly well both in body and mind. - -_Car._ What! cur'd of your love, then? - -_Lor._ No, nor I hope I never shall. May I ask you how 'tis with yours? - -_Car._ Increasing every hour; we are very constant both. - -_Lor._ I find so much delight in being so, I hope I never shall be -otherwise. - -_Car._ Those joys I am well acquainted with. But should lose them soon, -were I to meet a cool reception. - -_Lor._ That's every generous lover's case, no doubt; an angel could not -fire my heart but with an equal flame. - -_Car._ And yet you said you still lov'd _Leonora_. - -_Lor._ And yet I said I lov'd her. - -_Car._ Does she then return you---- - -_Lor._ Everything my passion can require. - -_Car._ Its wants are small, I find. - -_Lor._ Extended as the Heavens. - -_Car._ I pity you. - -_Lor._ He must be a Deity that does so. - -_Car._ Yet I'm a mortal, and once more can pity you. Alas, _Lorenzo_, -'tis a poor cordial to an aching heart, to have the tongue alone -announce it happy; besides 'tis mean, you should be more a man. - -_Lor._ I find I have made you an unhappy one, so can forgive the -boilings of your spleen. - -_Car._ This seeming calmness might have the effect your vanity proposes -by it; had I not a testimony of her love would (should I shew it) sink -you to the center. - -_Lor._ Yet still I'm calm as ever. - -_Car._ Nay then have at your peace. Read that, and end the farce. - - [_Gives him ~Leonora~'s letter._ - -_Lor._ [_Reads._] I have read it. - -_Car._ And know the hand? - -_Lor._ 'Tis _Leonora_'s; I have often seen it. - -_Car._ I hope you then at last are satisfied. - -_Lor._ I am, [_Smiling._] Good-morrow, _Carlos_. - - [_Exit ~Lor~._ - -_San._ Sure he's mad, Master. - -_Car._ Mad! say'st thou? - -_San._ And yet by'r lady, that was a sort of a dry sober smile at going -off. - -_Car._ A very sober one! Had he shewn me such a letter, I had put on -another countenance. - -_San._ Ay, o' my conscience had you. - -_Car._ Here's mystery in this----I like it not. - -_San._ I see his man and confidant there, _Lopez_. Shall I draw on a -_Scotch_ pair of boots, Master, and make him tell all? - -_Car._ Some questions I must ask him; call him hither. - -_San._ Hem, _Lopez_, hem! - - _Enter ~Lopez~._ - -_Lop._ Who calls? - -_San._ I, and my master. - -_Lop._ I can't stay. - -_San._ You can indeed, Sir. - - [_Laying hold on him._ - -_Car._ Whither in such haste, honest _Lopez_! What! upon some love -errand? - -_Lop._ Sir, your servant; I ask your pardon, but I was going---- - -_Car._ I guess where; but you need not be shy of me any more, thy -master and I are no longer rivals; I have yielded up the cause; the -lady will have it so, so I submit. - -_Lop._ Is it possible, Sir, shall I then live to see my master and you -friends again? - -_San._ Yes; and what's better, thou and I shall be friends too. There -will be no more fear of Christian bloodshed. I give thee up _Jacinta_; -she's a slippery hussy, so master and I are going to match ourselves -elsewhere. - -_Lop._ But is it possible, Sir, your honour should be in earnest? I'm -afraid you are pleased to be merry with your poor humble servant. - -_Car._ I'm not at present much dispos'd to mirth, my indifference in -this matter is not so thoroughly form'd; but my reason has so far -master'd my passion, to shew me 'tis in vain to pursue a woman whose -heart already is another's. 'Tis what I have so plainly seen of late, I -have rous'd my resolution to my aid, and broke my chains for ever. - -_Lop._ Well, Sir, to be plain with you, this is the joyfullest news I -have heard this long time; for I always knew you to be a mighty honest -gentleman, and good faith it often went to the heart o' me to see you -so abused. Dear, dear have I often said to myself (when they have had a -private meeting just after you have been gone)---- - -_Car._ Ha! - -_San._ Hold, Master, don't kill him yet. - - [_To ~Car.~ aside._ - -_Lop._ I say I have said to myself, what wicked things are women, and -what pity it is they should be suffer'd in a Christian country; what -a shame they should be allow'd to play Will-in-the-wisp with men of -honour, and lead them thro' thorns and briars, and rocks, and rugged -ways, 'till their hearts are all torn to pieces, like an old coat in a -fox-chace; I say, I have said to myself---- - -_Car._ Thou hast said enough to thyself, but say a little more to me: -Where were these secret meetings thou talk'st of? - -_Lop._ In sundry places, and by divers ways; sometimes in the cellar, -sometimes in the garret, sometimes in the court, sometimes in the -gutter; but the place where the kiss of kisses was given was---- - -_Car._ In Hell. - -_Lop._ Sir! - -_Car._ Speak, fury, what dost thou mean by the kiss of kisses? - -_Lop._ The kiss of peace, Sir, the kiss of union; the kiss of -consummation. - -_Car._ Thou ly'st, villain. - -_Lop._ I don't know but I may, Sir,----What the Devil's the matter now? - - [_Aside._ - -_Car._ There's not a word of truth in all thy cursed tongue has utter'd. - -_Lop._ No, Sir, I----I----believe there is not. - -_Car._ Why then didst thou say it, wretch? - -_Lop._ O----only in jest. Sir. - -_Car._ I am not in a jesting condition. - -_Lop._ Nor I at present, Sir. - -_Car._ Speak then the truth, as thou wouldst do it at the hour of death. - -_Lop._ Yes, at the gallows, and be turn'd off as soon as I've done. - - [_Aside._ - -_Car._ What's that you murmur? - -_Lop._ Nothing but a short prayer. - -_Car._ I am distracted, and fright the wretch from telling me what I am -upon the rack to know. [_Aside._] Forgive me, _Lopez_, I am to blame -to speak thus harshly to thee: let this obtain thy pardon. [_Gives him -money._] Thou see'st I am disturb'd. - -_Lop._ Yes, Sir, I see I have been led into a snare; I have said too -much. - -_Car._ And yet you must say more; nothing can lessen my torment, but -a farther knowledge of what causes my misery. Speak then! Have I any -thing to hope? - -_Lop._ Nothing; but that you may be a happier bachelor, than my master -may probably be a married man. - -_Car._ Married, say'st thou? - -_Lop._ I did, Sir, and believe he'll say so too in a twelvemonth. - -_Car._ O torment!----But give me more on't: When, how, to whom, where? - -_Lop._ Yesterday, to _Leonora_, by the parson, in the pantry. - -_Car._ Look to't, if this be false, thy life shall pay the torment thou -hast given me: be gone. - -_Lop._ With the body and the soul o'me. - - [_Ex. ~Lopez~._ - -_San._ Base news, Master. - -_Car._ Now my insulting rival's smile speaks out: O cursed, cursed -woman! - - _Enter ~Jacinta~._ - -_Jacin._ I'm come in haste to tell you, Sir, that as soon as the moon's -up, my lady will give you a meeting in the close-walk by the back-door -of the garden; she thinks she has something to propose to you will -certainly get her father's consent to marry you. - -_Car._ Past sufferance! this aggravation is not to be borne: go, thank -her--with my curses: fly----and let them blast her, while their venom -is strong. - - [_Exit ~Car~._ - -_Jacin._----Won't thou explain? What's this storm for? - -_San._ And dar'st thou ask me questions, smooth-faced iniquity, -crocodile of _Nile_, syren of the rocks? Go carry back the too gentle -answer thou hast received: only let me add with the poet: - - _We are no fools, trollop, my Master nor me; - And thy Mistress may go----to the Devil with thee._ - - [_Exit ~Sancho~._ - - _~Jacinta~ sola._ - -Am I awake!----I fancy not; a very idle dream this. Well: I'll go talk -in my sleep to my lady about it; and when I awake, we'll try what -interpretation we can make on't. - - [_Exit._ - - - - -+ACT+ II. +SCENE+ I. - - - _Enter ~Camillo~ and ~Isabella~._ - - =Isabella.= - -How can you doubt my secrecy? Have you not proofs of it? - -_Cam._ Nay I am determin'd to trust you; but are we safe here? can no -body over-hear us? - -_Isab._ Much safer than in a room. No body can come within hearing, -before we see them. - -_Cam._ And yet how hard 'tis for me to break silence! - -_Isab._ Your secret sure must be of great importance. - -_Cam._ You may be sure it is, when I confess 'tis with regret I own it -e'en to you; and were it possible, you should not know it. - -_Isab._ 'Tis frankly own'd, indeed; but 'tis not kind, perhaps not -prudent; after what you know I already am acquainted with. Have not I -been bred up with you? And am I ignorant of a secret, which were it -known---- - -_Cam._ Would be my ruin; I confess it would. I own you know why both -my birth and sex are thus disguised; you know how I was taken from -my cradle to secure the estate, which had else been lost by young -_Camillo_'s death; but which is now safe in my supposed father's hands, -by my passing for his son; and 'tis because you know all this, I have -resolved to open farther wonders to you. But before I say any more, -you must resolve one doubt, which often gives me great disturbance; -whether Don _Alvarez_ ever was himself privy to the Mystery which has -disguised my sex, and made me pass for his son? - -_Isab._ What you ask me, is a thing has often perplex'd my thoughts, -as well as yours, nor could my mother ever resolve the doubt. You know -when that young child _Camillo_ dy'd, in whom was wrapt up so much -expectation, from the great estate his uncle's will (even before he -came into the world) had left him; his mother made a secret of his -death to her husband _Alvarez_, and readily fell in with a proposal -made her to take you (who then was just _Camillo_'s Age) and bring -you up in his room. You have heard how you were then at nurse with my -mother, and how your own was privy and consenting to the plot; but Don -_Alvarez_ was never led into it by 'em. - -_Cam._ Don't you then think it probable his wife might after tell him? - -_Isab._ 'Twas ever thought nothing but a death-bed repentance cou'd -draw it from her to any one; and that was prevented by the suddenness -of her exit to t'other world, which did not give her even time to call -Heaven's mercy on her. And yet now I have said all this, I own the -correspondence and friendship I observe he holds with your real mother, -gives me some suspicion, and the presents he often makes her (which -people seldom do for nothing) confirm it. But since this is all I can -say to you on that point, pray let us come to the secret, which you -have made me impatient to hear. - -_Cam._ Know then, that tho' _Cupid_ is blind, he is not to be deceived: -I can hide my sex from the world but not from him; his dart has found -the way thro' the manly garb I wear to pierce a virgin's tender -heart----I love---- - -_Isab._ How! - -_Cam._ Nay be'nt surpriz'd at that, I have other wonders for you. - -_Isab._ Quick, let me hear 'em. - -_Cam._ I love _Lorenzo_. - -_Isab._ _Lorenzo_! Most nicely hit. The very man from whom your -imposture keeps this vast estate; and who on the first knowledge of -your being a woman wou'd enter into possession of it. This is indeed a -wonder. - -_Cam._ Then wonder still, I am his wife. - -_Isab._ Ha! his wife! - -_Cam._ His wife, _Isabella_; and yet thou hast not all my wonders, I am -his wife without his knowledge: he does not even know I am a woman. - -_Isab._ Madam, your humble servant; if you please to go on, I won't -interrupt you, indeed I won't. - -_Cam._ Then hear how these strange things have past; _Lorenzo_, bound -unregarded in my sister's chains, seem'd in my eyes a conquest worth -her care. Nor cou'd I see him treated with contempt, without growing -warm in his interest: I blam'd _Leonora_ for not being touch'd with his -merit; I blam'd her so long, 'till I grew touch'd with it myself: and -the reasons I urg'd to vanquish her heart, insensibly made a conquest -of my own: 'Twas thus, my friend, I fell. What was next to be done my -passion pointed out; my heart I felt was warm'd to a noble enterprize, -I gave it way, and boldly on it led me. _Leonora_'s name and voice, -in the dark shades of night, I borrow'd, to engage the object of my -wishes. I met him, _Isabella_, and so deceived him; he cannot blame -me sure, for much I blest him. But to finish this strange story: in -short I own, I long had lov'd, but finding my father most averse to my -desires, I at last had forc'd myself to this secret correspondence; -I urg'd the mischiefs would attend the knowledge on't, I urg'd them -so, he thought them full of weight, so yielded to observe what rules -I gave him: they were, to pass the day in cold indifference, to avoid -even signs or looks of intimacy, but gather for the still, the secret -night, a flood of love to recompence the losses of the day. I will not -trouble you with lovers cares, nor what contrivances we form'd to bring -this toying to a solid bliss. Know only, when three nights we thus had -pass'd, the fourth it was agreed should make us one for ever; each kept -their promise, and last night has join'd us. - -_Isab._ Indeed your talents pass my poor extent; you serious ladies are -well form'd for business: What wretched work a poor coquet had made -on't! But still there's that remains will try your skill; you have your -man, but---- - -_Cam._ Lovers think no farther, the object of that passion possesses -all desire; however I have open'd to you my wond'rous situation. If -you can advise me in my difficulties to come, you will. But see----My -husband! - - _Enter ~Lorenzo~._ - -_Lor._ You look as if you were busy, pray tell me if I interrupt you, -I'll retire. - -_Cam._ No, no, you have a right to interrupt us, since you were the -subject of our discourse. - -_Lor._ Was I? - -_Cam._ You were; nay, I'll tell you how you entertain'd us too. - -_Lor._ Perhaps I had as good avoid hearing that. - -_Cam._ You need not fear, it was not to your disadvantage; I was -commending you and saying, if I had been a woman I had been in danger; -nay I think I said I shou'd infallibly have been in love with you. - -_Lor._ While such an If is in the way, you run no great risque in -declaring; but you'd be finely catch'd now, shou'd some wonderful -transformation give me a claim to your heart. - -_Cam._ Not sorry for't at all, for I ne'er expect to find a mistress -please me half so well as you would do if I were yours. - -_Lor._ Since you are so well inclin'd to me in your wishes, Sir, I -suppose (as the fates have ordain'd it) you wou'd have some pleasure in -helping me to a mistress, since you can't be mine yourself. - -_Cam._ Indeed I shou'd not. - -_Lor._ Then my obligation is but small to you. - -_Cam._ Why, wou'd you have a woman, that is in love with you herself, -employ her interest to help you to another? - -_Lor._ No, but you being no woman might. - -_Cam._ Sir, 'tis as a woman I say what I do, and I suppose myself a -woman when I design all these favours to you: therefore out of that -supposition, I have no other good intentions to you than you may expect -from one that says he's----Sir, your humble servant. - -_Lor._ So unless Heaven is pleas'd to work a miracle, and from a sturdy -young fellow, make you a kind-hearted young lady, I'm to get little by -your good opinion of me. - -_Cam._ Yes; there is one means yet left (on this side a miracle) that -wou'd perhaps engage me, if with an honest oath you could declare, -were I woman, I might dispute your heart even with the first of my -pretending sex. - -_Lor._ Then solemnly and honestly I swear, that had you been a woman, -and I the master of the world, I think I should have laid it at your -feet. - -_Cam._ Then honestly and solemnly I swear, henceforwards all your -interest shall be mine. - -_Lor._ I have a secret to impart to you will quickly try your -friendship. - -_Cam._ I've a secret to unfold to you will put you even to a fiery -trial. - -_Lor._ What do you mean, _Camillo_? - -_Cam._ I mean that I love, where I never durst yet own it, yet where -'tis in your power to make me the happiest of---- - -_Lor._ Explain, _Camillo_; and be assur'd if your happiness is in my -power, 'tis in your own. - -_Cam._ Alas! you promise me you know not what. - -_Lor._ I promise nothing but what I will perform; name the person. - -_Cam._ 'Tis one who is very near to you. - -_Lor._ If 'tis my sister, why all this pain in bringing forth the -secret? - -_Cam._ Alas! it is your---- - -_Lor._ Speak! - -_Cam._ I cannot yet; farewel. - -_Lor._ Hold! Pray speak it now. - -_Cam._ I must not: but when you tell me your secret, you shall know -mine. - -_Lor._ Mine is not in my power, without the consent of another. - -_Cam._ Get that consent, and then we'll try who best will keep their -oaths. - -_Lor._ I am content. - -_Cam._ And I. Adieu. - -_Lor._ Farewel. - - [_Exit ~Lorenzo~._ - - _Enter ~Leonora~ and ~Jacinta~._ - -_Leo._ 'Tis enough: I will revenge myself this way; if it does but -torment him, I shall be content to find no other pleasure in it. -Brother, you'll wonder at my change; after all my ill usage of -_Lorenzo_, I am determined to be his wife. - -_Cam._ How, sister! so sudden a turn? This inequality of temper indeed -is not commendable. - -_Leo._ Your change, brother, is much more justly surprizing; you -hitherto have pleaded for him strongly, accus'd me of blindness, -cruelty, and pride; and now I yield to your reasons, and resolve in his -favour, you blame my compliance, and appear against his interest. - -_Cam._ I quit his service for what's dearer to me, yours. I have -learn'd from sure intelligence, the attack he made on you was but a -feint, and that his heart is in another's chain; I would not therefore -see you expos'd, to offer up yourself to one who must refuse you. - -_Leo._ If that be all, leave me my honour to take care of; I am no -stranger to his wishes, he won't refuse me, brother, nor I hope will -you, to tell him of my resolution: if you do, this moment with my own -tongue (thro' all the virgin's blushes) I'll own to him I am determin'd -in his favour----You pause as if you'd let the task lie on me. - -_Cam._ Neither on you, nor me; I have a reason you are yet a stranger -to: know then there is a virgin young and tender, whose peace and -happiness so much are mine, I cannot see her miserable; she loves him -with that torrent of desire, that were the world resign'd her in -his stead, she'd still be wretched: I will not pique you to a female -strife, by saying you have not charms to tear him from her; but I would -move you to a female softness, by telling you her death wou'd wait your -conquest. What I have more to plead is as a brother, I hope that gives -me some small interest in you; whate'er it is, you see how I'd employ -it. - -_Leo._ You ne'er cou'd put it to a harder service. I beg a little time -to think: pray leave me to myself a while. - -_Cam._ I shall; I only ask that you wou'd think, and then you won't -refuse me. - - [_Exit ~Cam~._ - -_Jacin._ Indeed, Madam, I'm of your brother's mind, tho' for another -cause; but sure 'tis worth thinking twice on for your own sake: you are -too violent. - -_Leo._ A slighted woman knows no bounds. Vengeance is all the cordial -she can have, so snatches at the nearest. Ungrateful wretch! to use me -with such insolence. - -_Jacin._ You see me as much enrag'd at it, as you are yourself, yet -my brain is roving after the cause, for something there must be: -never letter was receiv'd by man with more passion and transport; I -was almost as charming a goddess as yourself, only for bringing it. -Yet when in a moment after I come with a message worth a dozen on't, -never was witch so handled; something must have pass'd between one and -t'other, that's sure. - -_Leo._ Nothing cou'd pass worth my enquiring after, since nothing cou'd -happen that can excuse his usage of me; he had a letter under my hand -which own'd him master of my heart; and till I contradicted it with my -mouth, he ought not to doubt the truth on't. - -_Jacin._ Nay I confess, madam, I han't a word to say for him, I'm -afraid he's a rogue at bottom, as well as my shameless that attends -him; we are bit, by my troth, and haply well enough serv'd, for -list'ning to the glib tongues of the rascals: but be comforted, Madam; -they'll fall into the hands of some foul sluts or other, before they -die, that will set our account even with e'm. - -_Leo._ Well: let him laugh; let him glory in what he has done: he shall -see I have a spirit can use him as I ought. - -_Jacin._ And let one thing be your comfort by the way, Madam, that in -spite of all your dear affections to him, you have had the grace to -keep him at arms length. You han't thank'd me for't; but good faith -'twas well I did not stir out of the chamber that fond night. For there -are times the stoutest of us are in danger, the rascals wheedle so. - -_Leo._ In short, my very soul is fir'd with his treatment: and if ever -that perfidious monster should relent, though he should crawl like a -poor worm beneath my feet, nay plunge a dagger in his heart, to bleed -for pardon; I charge thee strictly, charge thee on thy life, thou do -not urge a look to melt me toward him, but strongly buoy me up in -brave resentment; and if thou see'st (which heav'ns avert) a glance -of weakness in me, rouse to my memory the vile wrongs I've borne, and -blazon them with skill in all their glaring colours. - -_Jacin._ Madam, never doubt me; I'm charged to the mouth with fury, -and if ever I meet that fat traitor of mine, such a volley will I -pour about his ears----Now heav'n prevent all hasty vows; but in the -humour I am, methinks I'd carry my maiden-head to my cold grave with -me, before I'd let it simper at the rascal. But soft; here comes your -father. - - _Enter ~Alvarez~._ - -_Alv._ _Leonora_, I'd have you retire a little, and send your brother's -tutor to me, _Metaphrastus_. - - [_Exit ~Leo.~ and ~Jacin~._ - - _Solus._ - -I'll try if I can discover, by his tutor, what it is that seems so much -to work his brain of late; for something more than common there plainly -does appear, yet nothing sure that can disturb his soul, like what -I have to torture mine upon his account. Sure nothing in this world -is worth a troubled mind: what racks has avarice stretch'd me on! I -wanted nothing, kind heav'n had given me a plenteous lot, and seated -me in great abundance; why then approve I of this imposture? What have -I gain'd by it? Wealth and misery. I have barter'd peaceful days for -restless nights; a wretched bargain! and he that merchandises thus, -must be undone at last. - - _Enter ~Metaphrastus~._ - -_Metaph._ _Mandatum tuum curo diligenter._ - -_Alv._ Master, I had a mind to ask you---- - -_Metaph._ The title, master, comes from _Magis_ and _Ter_, which is as -much, to say, _thrice worthy_. - -_Alv._ I never heard so much before, but it may be true for ought I -know: but, master---- - -_Metaph._ Go on. - -_Alv._ Why so I will if you'll let me, but don't interrupt me then. - -_Metaph._ Enough, proceed. - -_Alv._ Why then, master, for a third time, my son _Camillo_ gives me -much uneasiness of late; you know I love him, and have many careful -thoughts about him. - -_Metaph._ 'Tis true. _Filio non potest præferri nisi filius._ - -_Alv._ Master, when one has business to talk on, these scholastic -expressions are not of use; I believe you a great Latinist; possibly -you may understand _Greek_: those who recommended you to me, said so, -and I am willing it should be true: but the thing I want to discourse -you about at present, does not properly give you an occasion to display -your learning. Besides, to tell you truth, 'twill at all times be lost -upon me; my father was a wise man, but he taught me nothing beyond -common sense; I know but one tongue in the world, which luckily being -understood by you as well as me, I fancy whatever thoughts we have to -communicate to one another, may reasonably be convey'd in that, without -having recourse to the language of _Julius Cæsar_. - -_Metaph._ You are wrong, but may proceed. - -_Alv._ I thank you: what is the matter, I do not know; but tho' it is -of the utmost consequence to me to marry my son, what match soever I -propose to him, he still finds some pretence or other to decline it. - -_Metaph._ He is, perhaps, of the humour of a brother of _Marcus -Tullius_, who---- - -_Alv._ Dear master, leave the _Greeks_, and the _Latins_, and the -_Scotch_, and the _Welsh_, and let me go on in my business; what have -those people to do with my son's marriage? - -_Metaph._ Again you are wrong; but go on. - -_Alv._ I say then, that I have strong apprehensions from his refusing -all my proposals, that he may have some secret inclination of his own; -and to confirm me in this fear, I yesterday observed him (without his -knowing it) in a corner of the grove, where nobody comes---- - -_Metaph._ A place out of the way, you would say; a place of retreat. - -_Alv._ Why, the corner of the grove, where nobody comes, is a place of -retreat, is it not? - -_Metaph._ In _Latin_, _secessus_. - -_Alv._ Ha! - -_Metaph._ As _Virgil_ has it. _Est in secessu locus._ - -_Alv._ How could _Virgil_ have it, when I tell you no soul was there -but he and I? - -_Metaph._ _Virgil_ is a famous author, I quote his saying as a phrase -more proper to the occasion than that you use, and not as one who was -in the wood with you. - -_Alv._ And I tell you, I hope to be as famous as any _Virgil_ of 'em -all, when I have been dead as long, and have no need of a better phrase -than my own to tell you my meaning. - -_Metaph._ You ought however to make choice of the words most us'd by -the best authors. _Tu vivendo bonos_, as they say, _scribendo sequare -peritos_. - -_Alv._ Again! - -_Metaph._ 'Tis _Quintilian_'s own precept. - -_Alv._ Oons---- - -_Metaph._ And he hath something very learned upon it, that may be of -service to you to hear. - -_Alv._ You son of a whore, will you hear me speak? - -_Metaph._ What may be the occasion of this unmanly passion? What is it -you would have with me? - -_Alv._ What you might have known an hour ago, if you had pleas'd. - -_Metaph._ You would then have me hold my peace.----I shall. - -_Alv._ You will do very well. - -_Metaph._ You see I do; well, go on. - -_Alv._ Why then, to begin once again, I say my son _Camillo_---- - -_Metaph._ Proceed; I shan't interrupt you. - -_Alv._ I say, my son _Camillo_---- - -_Metaph._ What is it you say of your son _Camillo_? - -_Alv._ That he has got a dog of a tutor, whose brains I'll beat out, if -he won't hear me speak. - -_Metaph._ That dog is a philosopher, contemns passion, and yet will -hear you. - -_Alv._ I don't believe a word on't, but I'll try once again; I have a -mind to know from you, whether you have observ'd any thing in my son---- - -_Metaph._ Nothing that is like his father. Go on. - -_Alv._ Have a care. - -_Metaph._ I do not interrupt you; but you are long in coming to a -conclusion. - -_Alv._ Why, thou hast not let me begin yet. - -_Metaph._ And yet 'tis high time to have made an end. - -_Alv._ Dost thou know thy danger? I have not----thus much patience left. - - [_Shewing the end of his finger_. - -_Metaph._ Mine is already consum'd. I do not use to be thus treated; my -profession is to teach, and not to hear, yet I have hearken'd like a -school-boy, and am not heard, altho' a master. - -_Alv._ Get out of the room. - -_Metaph._ I will not. If the mouth of a wise man be shut, he is, as it -were, a fool; for who shall know his understanding? Therefore a certain -philosopher said well, Speak, that thou may'st be known; great talkers, -without knowledge, are as the winds that whistle; but they who have -learning, should speak aloud. If this be not permitted, we may expect -to see the whole order of nature o'erthrown; hens devour foxes, and -lambs destroy wolves, nurses suck children, and children give suck; -generals mend stockings, and chambermaids take towns; we may expect, I -say---- - -_Alv._ That, and that, and that, and---- - - [_Strikes him, and kicks him; and then follows him - off with a bell at his ear._ - -_Metaph. O tempora! O mores!_ - - - - -+ACT+ III. +SCENE+ I. - - +SCENE+, _the Street_. - - - _Enter ~Lopez~._ - -_Lop._ Sometimes fortune seconds a bold design, and when folly has -brought us into a trap, impudence brings us out on't. I have been -caught by this hot-headed lover here, and have told like a puppy what -I shall be beaten for like a dog. Come! courage, my dear _Lopez_; fire -will fetch out fire: thou hast told one body thy master's secret, e'en -tell it to half a dozen more, and try how that will thrive; go tell it -to the two old Dons, the lovers fathers. The thing's done, and can't -be retriev'd; perhaps they'll lay their two ancient heads together, -club a pennyworth of wisdom a-piece, and with great penetration at last -find out, that 'tis best to submit, where 'tis not in their power to do -otherwise. This being resolv'd, there's no time to be lost. - - [_Knocks at ~Alvarez~'s door._ - -_Alv._ Who knocks? - - [_Within._ - -_Lop._ _Lopez_. - -_Alv._ What dost want? - - [_Looking out._ - -_Lop._ To bid you good-morrow, Sir. - -_Alv._ Well, good-morrow to thee again. - - [_Retires._ - -_Lop._ What a----I think he does not care for my company. - - [_Knocks again._ - -_Alv._ Who knocks? - -_Lop._ _Lopez_. - -_Alv._ What would'st have? - - [_Looking out._ - -_Lop._ My old master, Sir, gives his service to you, and desires to -know how you do. - -_Alv._ How I do? Why well: how shou'd I do? Service to him again. - - [_Retires._ - -_Lop._ Sir. - -_Alv._ [_Returning._] What the deuce wouldst thou have with me, with -thy good-morrows, and thy services? - -_Lop._ This man does not understand good breeding, I find. [_Aside._] -Why, Sir, my master has some very earnest business with you. - -_Alv._ Business! About what? What business can he have with me? - -_Lop._ I don't know, truly; but 'tis some very important matter: he has -just now (as I hear) discover'd some great secret, which he must needs -talk with you about. - -_Alv._ Ha! a secret, say'st thou? - -_Lop._ Yes; and bid me bring him word, if you were at home, he'd be -with you presently. Sir, your humble servant. - - [_Exit ~Lopez~._ - - _~Alvarez~ solus._ - -A secret: and must speak with me about it! Heav'ns, how I tremble! -What can this message mean? I have very little acquaintance with him, -what business can he have with me? An important secret 'twas, he -said, and that he had just discover'd it. Alas, I have in the world -but one, if it be that----I'm lost; an eternal blot must fix upon me. -How unfortunate am I, that I have not follow'd the honest counsels -of my heart, which have often urg'd me to set my conscience at ease, -by rendering to him the estate that is his due, and which by a foul -imposture I keep from him. But 'tis now too late; my villainy is out, -and I shall not only be forc'd with shame to restore him what is his, -but shall be perhaps condemned to make him reparation with my own. O -terrible view! - - _Enter Don ~Felix~._ - -Don _Fel._ My son to go and marry her, without her father's knowledge? -This can never end well. I don't know what to do, he'll conclude I was -privy to it, and his power and interest are so great at court, he may -with ease contrive my ruin: I tremble at his sending to speak with -me----Mercy on me, there he is. - - [_Aside._ - -_Alv._ Ah! Shield me, kind heaven! There's Don Felix come: how I am -struck with the sight of him! O the torment of a guilty mind! - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Fel._ What shall I say to soften him? - - [_Aside._ - -_Alv._ How shall I look him in the face? - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Fel._ 'Tis impossible he can forgive it. - - [_Aside._ - -_Alv._ To be sure he'll expose me to the whole world. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Fel._ I see his countenance change. - - [_Aside._ - -_Alv._ With what contempt he looks upon me! - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Fel._ I see, Don _Alvarez_, by the disorder of your face, you are -but too well inform'd of what brings me here. - -_Alv._ 'Tis true. - -Don _Fel._ The news may well surprize you, 'tis what I have been far -from apprehending. - -_Alv._ Wrong, very wrong, indeed. - -Don _Fel._ This action is certainly to the last point to be condemn'd, -and I think nobody should pretend to excuse the guilty. - -_Alv._ They are not to be excus'd, tho' heaven may have mercy. - -Don _Fel._ That's what I hope you will consider. - -_Alv._ We should act as Christians. - -Don _Fel._ Most certainly. - -_Alv._ Let mercy then prevail. - -Don _Fel._ It is indeed of heavenly birth. - -_Alv._ Generous Don _Felix_! - -Don _Fel._ Too indulgent _Alvarez_! - -_Alv._ I thank you on my knee. - -Don _Fel._ 'Tis I ought to have been there first. - - [_They kneel._ - -_Alv._ Is it then possible we are friends? - -Don _Fel._ Embrace me to confirm it. - - [_They embrace._ - -_Alv._ Thou best of men! - -Don _Fel._ Unlook'd-for bounty! - -_Alv._ Did you know the torment [_Rising._] this unhappy action has -given me---- - -Don. _Fel._ 'Tis impossible it could do otherwise; nor has my trouble -been less. - -_Alv._ But let my misfortune be kept secret. - -Don _Fel._ Most willingly; my advantage is sufficient by it, without -the vanity of making it publick to the world. - -_Alv._ Incomparable goodness! That I should thus have wronged a man so -worthy! [_Aside._] My honour then, is safe? - -Don _Fel._ For ever, even for ever let it be a secret, I am content. - -_Alv._ Noble gentleman! [_Aside._] As to what advantages ought to -accrue to you by it, it shall be all to your entire satisfaction. - -Don _Fel._ Wonderful bounty! [_Aside._] As to that, Don _Alvarez_, I -leave it entirely to you, and shall be content with whatever you think -reasonable. - -_Alv._ I thank you, from my soul I must, you know I must.----This must -be an angel, not a man. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Fel._ The thanks lie on my side, _Alvarez_, for this unexpected -generosity, but may all faults be forgot, and heav'n ever prosper you. - -_Alv._ The same prayer I, with a double fervour, offer up for you. - -Don _Fel._ Let us then once more embrace, and be forgiveness seal'd for -ever. - -_Alv._ Agreed; thou best of men, agreed. - - [_They embrace._ - -Don _Fel._ This thing then being thus happily terminated, let me own -to you, Don _Alvarez_, I was in extreme apprehensions of your utmost -resentment on this occasion; for I could not doubt but you had form'd -more happy views in the disposal of so fair a daughter as _Leonora_, -than my poor son's inferior fortune e'er can answer; but since they are -join'd, and that---- - -_Alv._ Ha! - -Don _Fel._ Nay, 'tis very likely to discourse of it may not be very -pleasing to you, tho' your christianity and natural goodness have -prevail'd on you so generously to forgive it. But to do justice -to _Leonora_, and skreen her from your too harsh opinion in this -unlucky action, 'twas that cunning wicked creature that attends her, -who by unusual arts wrought her to this breach of duty, for her own -inclinations were dispos'd to all the modesty and resignation a father -could ask from a daughter; my son I can't excuse, but since your bounty -does so, I hope you'll quite forget the fault of the less guilty -_Leonora_. - -_Alv._ What a mistake have I lain under here! And from a groundless -apprehension of one misfortune, find myself in the certainty of another. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Fel._ He looks disturb'd; what can this mean? - - [_Aside._ - -_Alv._ My daughter marry'd to his son!----Confusion. But I find myself -in such unruly agitation, something wrong may happen if I continue with -him; I'll therefore leave him. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Fel._ You seem thoughtful, Sir, I hope there's no---- - -_Alv._ A sudden disorder I am seiz'd with; you'll pardon me, I must -retire. - - [_Exit ~Alvarez~._ - - _Don ~Felix~ solus._ - -I don't like this: He went oddly off--I doubt he finds this bounty -difficult to go through with. His natural resentment is making an -attack upon his acquir'd generosity: pray heaven it ben't too strong -for't. The misfortune is a great one, and can't but touch him nearly. -It was not natural to be so calm; I wish it don't yet drive him to -my ruin. But here comes this young hot-brain'd coxcomb, who with his -midnight amours has been the cause of all this mischief to me. - - _Enter ~Lorenzo~._ - -So, Sir, you are come to receive my thanks for your noble exploit? -You think you have done bravely now, ungracious offspring, to bring -perpetual troubles on me. Must there never pass a day, but I must drink -some bitter potion or other of your preparation for me? - -_Lor._ I am amaz'd, Sir; pray what have I done to deserve your anger? - -Don _Fel._ Nothing; no manner of thing in the world; nor never do. I -am an old testy fellow, and am always scolding, and finding fault for -nothing; complaining that I have got a coxcomb of a son, that makes me -weary of my life, fancying he perverts the order of nature, turning -day into night, and night into day; getting whims in my brain, that he -consumes his life in idleness, unless he rouses now and then to do some -noble stroke of mischief; and having an impertinent dream at this time, -that he has been making the fortune of the family, by an underhand -marriage with the daughter of a man who will crush us all to powder for -it. Ah----ungracious wretch; to bring an old man into all this trouble! -The pain thou gav'st thy mother to bring thee into the world, and the -plague thou hast given me to keep thee here, make the getting thee -(tho' 'twas in our honey-moon) a bitter remembrance to us both. - - [_Exit Don ~Felix~._ - - _~Lorenzo~ solus._ - -So----all's out----Here's a noble storm arising, and I'm at sea in a -cock-boat. But which way could this business reach him? By this traitor -_Lopez_----it must be so; it could be no other way; for only he, and -the priest that marry'd us, knew of it. The villain will never confess -tho'. I must try a little address with him, and conceal my anger. O, -here he comes. - - _Enter ~Lopez~._ - -_Lor._ _Lopez_. - -_Lop._ Do you call, Sir? - -_Lor._ I find all's discover'd to my father, the secret's out; he knows -my marriage. - -_Lop._ He knows your marriage. How the pest should that happen? Sir, -'tis impossible; that's all. - -_Lor._ I tell thee 'tis true; he knows every particular of it. - -_Lop._ He does!----Why then, Sir, all I can say is, that Satan and he -are better acquainted than the devil and a good Christian ought to be. - -_Lor._ Which way he has discover'd it I can't tell, nor am I much -concern'd to know, since beyond all my expectations, I find him -perfectly easy at it, and ready to excuse my fault with better reasons -than I can find to do it myself. - -_Lop._ Say you so?----I am very glad to hear that, then all's safe. - - [_Aside._ - -_Lor._ 'Tis unexpected good fortune; but it could never proceed purely -from his own temper, there must have been pains taken with him to bring -him to this calm; I'm sure I owe much to the bounty of some friend or -other; I wish I knew where my obligation lay, that I might acknowledge -it as I ought. - -_Lop._ Are you thereabout's, I'faith? Then sharp's the word; I'gad I'll -own the thing, and receive his bounty for't. [_Aside._] Why, Sir----not -that I pretend to make a merit o'the matter, for alas, I am but your -poor hireling, and therefore bound in duty to render you all the -service I can----But----'tis I have don't. - -_Lor._ What hast thou done? - -_Lop._ What no man else could have done; the job, Sir, told him the -secret, and then talk'd him into a liking on't. - -_Lor._ 'Tis impossible; thou dost not tell me true. - -_Lop._ Sir, I scorn to reap any thing from another man's labours, but -if this poor piece of service carries any merit with it, you now know -where to reward it. - -_Lor._ Thou art not serious! - -_Lop._ I am; or may hunger be my mess-mate. - -_Lor._ And may famine be mine, if I don't reward thee for't, as thou -deserv'st----Dead. - - [_Making a pass at him._ - -_Lop._ Have a care there [_Leaping on one side._] What do you mean, -Sir? I bar all surprise. - -_Lor._ Traitor, is this the fruit of the trust I plac'd in thee, -villain? - - [_Making another thrust at him._ - -_Lop._ Take heed, Sir; you'll do one a mischief before you're aware. - -_Lop._ What recompence can'st thou make me, wretch, for this piece of -treachery? Thy sordid blood can't expiate the thousandth----But I'll -have it however. - - [_Thrusts again._ - -_Lop._ Look you there again: pray, Sir, be quiet; is the devil in you? -'Tis bad jesting with edg'd tools. I'gad that last push was within -an inch o' me. I don't know what you make all this bustle about, but -I'm sure I've done all for the best, and I believe it will prove for -the best too at last, if you'll have but a little patience. But if -gentlemen will be in their airs in a moment--Why, what the deuce----I'm -sure I have been as eloquent as _Cicero_, in your behalf; and I don't -doubt to good purpose too, if you'll give things time to work. But -nothing but foul language, and naked swords about the house, sa, sa; -run you through you dog; why, nobody can do business at this rate. - -_Lor._ And suppose your project fails, and I'm ruin'd by it, Sir. - -_Lop._ Why, 'twill be time enough to kill me then, Sir? won't it? What -should you do it for now? Besides, I an't ready, I'm not prepar'd, I -might be undone by't. - -_Lor._ But what will _Leonora_ say to her marriage being known, wretch? - -_Lop._ Why may be she'll draw----her sword too. [_Shewing his tongue._] -But all shall be well with you both, if you will but let me alone. - -_Lor._ Peace; here's her father. - -_Lop._ That's well: we shall see how things go presently. - - _Enter Don ~Alvarez~._ - -_Alv._ The more I recover from the disorder this discourse has put me -in, the more strange the whole adventure appears to me. _Leonora_ -maintains there is not a word of truth in what I have heard; that she -knows nothing of marriage: and indeed she tells me this, with such a -naked air of sincerity, that for my part I believe her. What then must -be their project? Some villainous intention, to be sure; tho' which -way, I yet am ignorant. But here's the bridegroom; I'll accost him----I -am told, Sir, you take upon you to scandalize my daughter, and tell -idle tales of what can never happen. - -_Lop._ Now methinks, Sir, if you treated your son-in-law with a little -more civility, things might go just as well in the main. - -_Alv._ What means this insolent fellow by my son-in-law! I suppose 'tis -you, villain, are the author of this impudent story. - -_Lop._ You seem angry, Sir----perhaps without cause. - -_Alv._ Cause, traitor! Is a cause wanting where a daughter's defam'd, -and a noble family scandaliz'd? - -_Lop._ There he is, let him answer you. - -_Alv._ I shou'd be glad, he'd answer me, why, if he had any desires to -my daughter, he did not make his approaches like a man of honour. - -_Lop._ Yes; and so have had the doors bolted against him like a -house-breaker. - - [_Aside._ - -_Lor._ Sir to justify my proceeding, I have little to say; but to -excuse it, I have much; if any allowance may be made to a passion, -which in your youth you have yourself been sway'd by: I love your -daughter to that excess---- - -_Alv._ You would undo her for a night's lodging. - -_Lor._ Undo her, Sir? - -_Alv._ Yes, that's the word; you knew it was against her interest to -marry you, therefore you endeavour'd to win her to't in private; you -knew her friends would make a better bargain for her, therefore you -kept your designs from their knowledge, and yet you love her to that -excess---- - -_Lor._ I'd readily lay down my life to serve her. - -_Alv._ Could you readily lay down fifty thousand pistoles to serve her, -your excessive love would come with better credentials; an offer of -life is very proper for the attack of a counterscarp, but a thousand -ducats will sooner carry a lady's heart; you are a young man, but will -learn this when you are older. - -_Lop._ But since things have succeeded better this once, Sir, and -that my master will prove a most incomparable good husband (for that -he'll do, I'll answer for him) and that 'tis too late to recall what's -already done, Sir---- - -_Alv._ What's done, villain? - -_Lop._ Sir, I mean, that since my master and my lady are marry'd, -and---- - -_Alv._ Thou ly'st; they are not marry'd. - -_Lop._ Sir!----I say, that since they are marry'd, and that they love -each other so passing dearly, indeed I fancy that---- - -_Alv._ Why, this impudence is beyond all bearing; Sir, do you put your -rascal upon this? - -_Lor._ Sir, I am in a wood; I don't know what it is you mean. - -_Alv._ And I am in a plain, Sir, and think I may be understood; do you -pretend you are marry'd to my daughter? - -_Lor._ Sir, 'tis my happiness on one side, as it is my misfortune on -another. - -_Alv._ And do you think this idle project can succeed? do you believe -your affirming you are marry'd to her, will induce both her and me to -consent it shall be so? - -_Lop._ Sir, I see you make my master almost out of his wits to hear you -talk so: but I, who am but a stande-by now, as I was at the wedding, -have mine about me, and desire to know, whether you think this project -can succeed? Do you believe your affirming they are not marry'd, will -induce both him and I to give up the lady? One short question to bring -this matter to an issue, Why do you think they are not marry'd? - -_Alv._ Because she utterly renounces it. - -_Lop._ And so she will her religion, if you attack it with that -dreadful face. D'ye hear, Sir? the poor lady is in love heartily, and -I wish all poor ladies that are so, would dispose of themselves so -well as she has done; but you scare her out of her senses: bring her -here into the room, speak gently to her, tell her you know the thing -is done, that you have it from a man of honour, Me. That may be you -wish it had been otherwise, but are a Christian, and profess mercy, and -therefore have resolved to pardon her: say this, and I shall appear a -man of reputation, and have satisfaction made me. - -_Alv._ Or an impudent rogue, and have all your bones broke. - -_Lop._ Content. - -_Alv._ Agreed, _Leonora_! who's there? call _Leonora_. - -_Lop._ All will go rarely, Sir; we shall have shot the gulf in a moment. - - [_Aside to ~Lorenzo~._ - - _Enter ~Leonora~._ - -_Alv._ Come hither, _Leonora_. - -_Lop._ So, now we shall see. - -_Alv._ I call'd you to answer for yourself; here's a strong claim -upon you; if there be any thing in the pretended title, conceal it no -farther, it must be known at last, it may as well be so now. Nothing is -so uneasy as uncertainty, I would therefore be gladly freed from it: if -you have done what I am told you have, 'tis a great fault indeed; but -as I fear 'twill carry much of its punishment along with it, I shall -rather reduce my resentment into mourning your misfortune, than suffer -it to add to your affliction; therefore speak the truth. - -_Lop._ Well, this is fair play; now I speak, Sir: you see, fair lady, -the goodness of a tender father, nothing need therefore hinder you -from owning a most loving husband. We had like to have been altogether -by the ears about this business, and pails of blood were ready to run -about the house: but, thank heaven, the sun shines out again, and one -word from your sweet mouth makes fair weather for ever. My master has -been forc'd to own your marriage, he begs you'll do so too. - -_Leo._ What does this impudent rascal mean? - -_Lop._ Ha!----Madam! - -_Leo._ Sir, I should be very glad to know [_To ~Lorenzo~._] what can -have been the occasion of this wild report; sure you cannot be yourself -a party in it. - -_Lop._ He, he---- - -_Lor._ Forgive me, dear _Leonora_, I know you had strong reasons for -the secret being longer kept; but 'tis not my fault our marriage is -disclos'd. - -_Leo._ Our marriage, Sir!---- - -_Lor._ 'Tis known, my dear, tho' much against my will; but since it is -so, 'twou'd be in vain for us to deny it longer. - -_Leo._ Then, Sir, I am your wife? I fell in love with you, and married -you without my father's knowledge? - -_Lor._ I dare not be so vain to think 'twas love; I humbly am content -to owe the blessing to your generosity; you saw the pains I suffer'd -for your sake, and in compassion eas'd 'em. - -_Leo._ I did, Sir! Sure this exceeds all human impudence. - -_Lop._ Truly, I think it does. She'd make an incomparable actress. - - [_Aside._ - -_Lor._ I begin to be surpris'd, Madam, at you carrying this thing so -far; you see there's no occasion for it; and for the discovery, I have -already told you, 'twas not my fault. - -_Lop._ My master's! no, 'twas I did it: why, what a bustle's here! I -knew things would go well, and so they do, if folks would let 'em. But -if ladies will be in their merriments, when gentlemen are upon serious -business, why what a deuce can one say to 'em? - -_Leo._ I see this fellow is to be an evidence in your plot; where you -hope to drive, it is hard to guess; for if any thing can exceed its -impudence, it is its folly. A noble stratagem indeed to win a lady by! -I could be diverted with it, but that I see a face of villainy requires -a rougher treatment; I could almost, methinks, forget my sex, and be my -own avenger. - -_Lor._ Madam, I am surpris'd beyond all---- - -_Lop._ Pray, Sir, let me come to her; you are so surpris'd, you'll -make nothing on't: she wants a little snubbing. Look you, madam, I -have seen many a pleasant humour amongst ladies, but you out-cut them -all. Here's contradiction, with a vengeance: you han't been married -eight-and-forty hours, and you are slap----at your husband's beard -already: why, do you consider who he is?----Who this gentleman is? -And what he can do----by law? Why, he can lock you up----knock you -down----tie you neck and heels---- - -_Lor._ Forbear, you insolent villain, you. - - [_Offering to strike him._ - -_Leo._ That----for what's past, however. - - [_Giving him a box o' th' ear._ - -_Lop._ I think----she gave me a box o' the ear; ha! - - [_Exit ~Leonora~._ - -Sir, will you suffer your old servants to be us'd thus by new comers? -It's a shame, a mere shame: Sir, will you take a poor dog's advice for -once? She denies she's married to you: take her at her word; you have -seen some of her humours,----let her go. - -_Alv._ Well, gentlemen, thus far you see I have heard all with -patience; have you content? Or how much farther do you design to go -with this business? - -_Lop._ Why truly, Sir, I think we are near at a stand. - -_Alv._ 'Tis time, you villain you. - -_Lop._ Why, and I am a villain now, if every word I've spoke be not -as true as----as the _Gazette_: and your daughter's no better than -a----a----a whimsical young woman, for making disputes among gentlemen. -And if every body had their deserts, she'd have a good----I won't speak -out to inflame reckonings; but let her go, master. - -_Alv._ Sir, I don't think it well to spend any more words with your -impudent and villainous servant here. - -_Lop._ Thank you, Sir: but I'd let her go. - -_Alv._ Nor have I more to say to you than this, that you must not think -so daring an affront to my family can go long unresented. Farewel. - - [_Exit ~Alv~._ - -_Lor._ Well, Sir, what have you to say for yourself now? - -_Lop._ Why, Sir, I have only to say, that I am a very -unfortunate----middle-ag'd man; and that I believe all the stars upon -heaven and earth have been concern'd in my destiny. Children now unborn -will hereafter sing my downfal in mournful lines, and notes of doleful -tune: I am at present troubled in mind, despair around me, signify'd -in appearing gibbets, with a great bundle of dog-whips by way of -preparation. - - I therefore will go seek some mountain high, - If high enough some mountain may be found, } - With distant valley dreadfully profound, } - And from the horrid cliff--look calmly all around. } - -Farewel. - - [_Aside._ - -_Lor._ No, sirrah, I'll see your wretched end myself. Die here, villain. - - [_Drawing his sword._ - -_Lop._ I can't, Sir, if any body looks upon me. - -_Lor._ Away, you trifling wretch; but think not to escape, for thou -shalt have thy recompence. - - [_Exit ~Lorenzo~._ - - _~Lopez~ solus._ - -Why, what a mischievous jade is this, to make such an uproar in a -family the first day of her marriage! Why my master won't so much as -get a honey-moon out of her; I'gad let her go. If she be thus in her -soft and tender youth, she'll be rare company at threescore: well, he -may do as he pleases, but were she my dear, I'd let her go----Such a -foot at her tail, I'd make the truth bounce out at her mouth, like a -pellet out of a pot-gun. - - [_Exit._ - - - - -+ACT+ IV. +SCENE+ I. - - - _Enter ~Camillo~ and ~Isabella~._ - -_Isab._ 'Tis an unlucky accident indeed. - -_Cam._ Ah _Isabella_! Fate has now determin'd my undoing. This thing -can ne'er end here, _Leonora_ and _Lorenzo_ must soon come to some -explanation; the dispute is too monstrous to pass over, without -further enquiry, which must discover all, and what will be the -consequence, I tremble at: for whether Don _Alvarez_ knows of the -imposture, or whether he is deceiv'd, with the rest of the world, when -once it breaks out, and the consequence is the loss of that great -wealth he now enjoys by it, what must become of me? All paternal -affections then must cease, and regarding me as an unhappy instrument -in the trouble which will then o'erload him, he will return me to my -humble birth, and then I'm lost for ever. For what, alas! will the -deceiv'd _Lorenzo_ say? A wife with neither fortune, birth, nor beauty, -instead of one most plenteously endow'd with all. O heavens! what a sea -of misery I have before me! - -_Isab._ Indeed you reason right, but these reflections are ill-tim'd; -why did you not employ them sooner? - -_Cam._ Because I lov'd. - -_Isab._ And don't you do so now? - -_Cam._ I do, and therefore 'tis I make these cruel just reflections. - -_Isab._ So that love, I find, can do any thing. - -_Cam._ Indeed it can: its powers are wondrous great, its pains no -tongue can tell, its bliss no heart conceive, crowns cannot recompense -its torments, heaven scarce supplies its joys. My stake is of this -value: oh counsel me how I shall save it. - -_Isab._ Alas! that counsel's much beyond my wisdom's force, I see no -way to help you. - -_Cam._ And yet 'tis sure there's one. - -_Isab._ What? - -_Cam._ Death. - -_Isab._ There possibly may be another; I have thought this -moment----perhaps there's nothing in it; yet a small passage comes to -my remembrance, that I regarded little when it happen'd----I'll go and -search for one may be of service. But hold; I see Don _Carlos_: he'll -but disturb us now, let us avoid him. - - [_Exeunt ~Camillo~ and ~Isabella~._ - - _Enter Don ~Carlos~ and ~Sancho~._ - -_Car._ Repuls'd again! this is not to be borne. What tho' this -villain's story be a falshood, was I to blame to hearken to it? This -usage cannot be supported: how was it she treated thee? - -_San._ Never was ambassador worse receiv'd. Madam, my master asks ten -thousand pardons, and humbly begs one moment's interview:----Begone, -you rascal you. Madam, what answer shall I give my Master?----Tell -him he's a villain. Indeed, fair lady, I think this is hasty -treatment--Here, my footmen, toss me this fellow out at the window; and -away she went to her devotions. - -_Car._ Did you see _Jacinta_? - -_San._ Yes; she saluted me with half a score rogues and rascals too. I -think our destinies are much alike, Sir; and o'my conscience, a couple -of scurvy jades we are hamper'd with. - -_Car._ Ungrateful woman, to receive with such contempt so quick a -return of a heart so justly alarm'd. - -_San._ Ha, ha, ha. - -_Car._ What, no allowance to be made to the first transports of a -lover's fury, when rous'd by so dreadful an appearance? as just as my -suspicions were, have I long suffer'd them to arraign her? - -_San._ No. - -_Car._ Have I waited for oaths or imprecations to clear her? - -_San._ No. - -_Car._ Nay, even now is not the whole world still in suspense about -her? whilst I alone conclude her innocent. - -_San._ 'Tis very true. - -_Car._ She might, methinks, thro' this profound respect, observe a -flame another would have cherish'd: she might support me against -groundless fears, and save me from a rival's tyranny; she might release -me from these cruel racks, and would, no doubt, if she cou'd love as I -do. - -_San._ Ha, ha, ha. - -_Car._ But since she don't, what do I whining here? Curse on the base -humilities of love. - -_San._ Right. - -_Car._ Let children kiss the rod that fleas them, let dogs lie down and -lick the shoe that spurns them. - -_San._ Ay. - -_Car._ I am a man by nature meant for power; the scepter's given us to -wield, and we betray our trust whenever we meanly lay it at a woman's -feet. - -_San._ True, we are men, boo----Come, Master, let us both be in a -passion; here's my scepter, [_Shewing a cudgel._] Subject _Jacinta_, -look about you. Sir, was you ever in _Muscovy_? the women there love -the men dearly; why? because----[_Shaking his stick._] there's your -love-powder for you. Ah, Sir, were we but wise and stout, what work -should we make with them! But this humble love-making, spoils them all. -A rare way indeed to bring matters about with them; we are persuading -them all day they are angels and Goddesses, in order to use them at -night like human creatures; we are like to succeed truly. - -_Car._ For my part I never yet could bear a slight from any thing, nor -will I now. There's but one way however to resent it from a woman: and -that's to drive her bravely from your heart, and place a worthier in -her vacant throne. - -_San._ Now, with submission to my betters, I have another way, Sir, -I'll drive my tyrant from my heart, and place myself in her throne. -Yes; I will be lord of my own tenement, and keep my household in -order. Wou'd you wou'd do so too, Master; for look you, I have been -servitor in a college at _Salamanca_, and read philosophy with the -doctors; where I found that a woman, in all times, has been observed -to be an animal hard to understand, and much inclined to mischief. -Now as an animal is always an animal, and a captain always a captain, -so a woman is always a woman: whence it is, that a certain _Greek_ -says, her head is like a bank of sand; or, as another, a solid rock; -or, according to a third, a dark lanthorn. Pray, Sir, observe, for -this is close reasoning; and so as the head is the head of the body; -and that the body without a head, is like a head without a tail; -and that where there is neither head nor tail, 'tis a very strange -body: so I say a woman is by comparison, do you see, (for nothing -explains things like comparisons) I say by comparison, as _Aristotle_ -has often said before me, one may compare her to the raging sea; for -as the sea, when the wind rises, knits its brows like an angry bull, -and that waves mount upon rocks, and rocks mount upon waves: that -porpusses leap like trouts, and whales skip about like gudgeons; -that ships roll like beer-barrels, and mariners pray like saints; -just so, I say a woman----A woman, I say, just so, when her reason -is ship-wreck'd upon her passion, and the hulk of her understanding -lies thumping against the rock of her fury; then it is, I say, that by -certain immotions, which----um cause, as one may suppose, a sort of -convulsive----yes----hurricanious----um----like----in short, a woman is -like the Devil. - -_Car._ Admirably reason'd indeed, _Sancho_. - -_San._ Pretty well, I thank Heaven; but here come the crocodiles to -weep us into mercy. - - _Enter ~Leonora~ and ~Jacinta~._ - -Master, let us shew ourselves men, and leave their briny tears to wash -their dirty faces. - -_Car._ It is not in the power of charms to move me. - -_San._ Nor me, I hope; and yet I fear those eyes will look out sharp to -snatch up such a prize. - - [_Pointing to ~Jacinta~._ - -_Jacin._ He's coming to us, Madam, to beg pardon; but sure you'll never -grant it him? - -_Leo._ If I do may heaven never grant me mine. - -_Jacin._ That's brave. - -_Car._ You look, Madam, upon me, as if you thought I came to trouble -you with my usual importunities; I'll ease you of that pain, by telling -you my business now is calmly to assure you, but I assure it you with -Heaven and hell for seconds; for may the joys of one fly from me, -whilst the pains of t'other overtake me, if all your charms display'd -e'er shake my resolution; I'll never see you more. - -_San._ Bon. - -_Leo._ You are a man of that nice honour, Sir, I know you'll keep your -word: I expected this assurance from you, and came this way only to -thank you for't. - -_Jacin._ Very well. - -_Car._ You did, imperious dame, you did: how base is woman's pride! -How wretched are the ingredients it is form'd of! If you saw cause for -just disdain, why did you not at first repulse me? Why lead a slave -in chains, that could not grace your triumphs? If I am thus to be -contemn'd, think on the favours you have done the wretch, and hide your -face for ever. - -_San._ Well argued. - -_Leo._ I own you have hit the only fault the world can charge me with: -the favours I have done to you, I am indeed asham'd of; but since women -have their frailties, you'll allow me mine. - -_Car._ 'Tis well, extremely well, Madam. I'm happy however, you at last -speak frankly. I thank you for it: from my soul I thank you: but don't -expect me groveling at your feet again; don't, for if I do---- - -_Leo._ You will be treated as you deserve; trod upon. - -_Car._ Give me patience;----but I don't want it; I am calm: Madam, -farewel;----be happy if you can; by heavens I wish you so, but never -spread your net for me again; for if you do---- - -_Leo._ You'll be running into it. - -_Car._ Rather run headlong into fire and flames; rather be torn -with pincers bit from bit; rather be broil'd like martyrs upon -gridirons----But I am wrong; this sounds like passion, and heaven -can tell I am not angry: Madam, I think we have no farther business -together; your most humble servant. - -_Leo._ Farewel t'ye, Sir. - -_Car._ Come along. - - [_To ~Sancho~._ - - [_Goes to the scene and returns._ - -Yet once more before I go (lest you should doubt my resolution) may -I starve, perish, rot, be blasted, dead, damn'd, or any other thing -that men or gods can think of, if on any occasion whatever, civil or -military, pleasure or business, love or hate, or any other accident of -life, I, from this moment, change one word or look with you. - - [_Going off, ~Sancho~ claps him on the back._ - -_Leo._ Content: come away, _Jacinta_. - - _~Carlos~ returns._ - -_Car._ Yet one word, Madam, if you please; I have a little thing here -belongs to you, a foolish bawble I once was fond of. [_Twitching her -picture from his breast._] Will you accept a trifle from your servant? - -_Leo._ Willingly, Sir; I have a bawble too I think you have some claim -to; you'll wear it for my sake. - - [_Breaks a bracelet from her arm, and gives it him._ - -_Car._ Most thankfully; this too I shou'd restore you, it once was -yours----[_Giving her a table-book._] By your favour madam----there is -a line or two in it, I think you did me once the honour to write with -your own fair hand. Here it is. - - [_Reads._ - - _You love me, ~Carlos~, and would know - The secret movements of my heart: - Whether I give you mine or no, - With yours, methinks, I'd never, never part._ - -Thus you have encouraged me, and thus you have deceived me. - -_San._ Very true. - -_Leo._ I have some faithful lines too; I think I can produce 'em, - - [_Pulls out a table-book; reads, and then gives it him._ - - _How long soe'er, to sigh in vain, - My destiny may prove, - My fate (in spite of your disdain) - Will let me glory in your chain, - And give me leave eternally to love._ - -There, Sir, take your poetry again. - - [_Throwing it at his feet._ - -'Tis not much the worse for my wearing: 'twill serve again upon a fresh -occasion. - -_Jacin._ Well done. - -_Car._ I believe I can return the present, Madam, with----a pocket full -of your prose----There---- - - [_Throwing a handful of letters at her feet._ - -_Leo._ _Jacinta_, give me his letters. There, Sir, not to be -behind-hand with you. - - [_Takes a handful of his letters out of a box, - and throws them in his face._ - -_Jacin._ And there, and there, and there, Sir. - - [_~Jacinta~ throws the rest at him._ - -_San._ 'Cods my life, we want ammunition: but for a shift----There, and -there, you saucy slut you. - - [_~Sancho~ pulls a pack of dirty cards out of his - pocket, and throws 'em at her; then they - close; he pulls off her headclothes, and she his - wig, and then part, she running to her mistress, - he to his master._ - -_Jacin._ I think, Madam, we have clearly the better on't. - -_Leo._ For a proof, I resolve to keep the field. - -_Jacin._ Have a care he don't rally and beat you yet though: pray walk -off. - -_Leo._ Fear nothing. - -_San._ How the armies stand and gaze at one another after the battle! -What think you, Sir, of shewing yourself a great general, by making an -honourable retreat? - -_Car._ I scorn it: Oh _Leonora_! _Leonora_! A heart like mine should -not be treated thus. - -_Leo._ _Carlos_! _Carlos_! I have not deserv'd this usage. - -_Car._ Barbarous _Leonora_! but 'tis useless to reproach you; she that -is capable of what you have done, is form'd too cruel ever to repent of -it. Go on then, tyrant; make your bliss compleat; torment me still, for -still, alas! I love enough to be tormented. - -_Leo._ Ah _Carlos_! little do you know the tender movements of that -thing you name: the heart where love presides, admits no thoughts -against the honour of its ruler. - -_Car._ 'Tis not to call that honour into doubt, if conscious of our own -unworthiness, we interpret every frown to our destruction. - -_Leo._ When jealousy proceeds from such humble apprehensions, it shews -itself with more respect than yours has done. - -_Car._ And where a heart is guiltless, it easily forgives a greater -crime. - -_Leo._ Forgiveness is not now in our debate; if both have been in -fault, 'tis fit that both should suffer for it; our separation will do -justice on us. - -_Car._ But since we are ourselves the judges of our crimes, what if we -should inflict a gentler punishment? - -_Leo._ 'Twould but encourage us to sin again. - -_Car._ And if it shou'd? - -_Leo._ 'Twould give a fresh occasion for the pleasing exercise of mercy. - -_Car._ Right: and so we act the part of earth and heaven together, of -men and gods, and taste of both their pleasures. - -_Leo._ The banquet's too inviting to refuse it. - -_Car._ Then thus let's fall on, and feed upon't for ever. - - [_Carries her off, embracing her, and kissing her hand._ - -_Leo._ Ah woman! foolish, foolish woman! - -_San._ Very foolish indeed. - -_Jacin._ But don't expect I'll follow her example. - -_San._ You wou'd, Mopsy, if I'd let you. - -_Jacin._ I'd sooner tear my eyes out! ah----that she had a little of my -spirit in her. - -_San._ I believe I shall find thou hast a great deal of her flesh, my -charmer; but 'twon't do; I am all rock, hard rock, very marble. - -_Jacin._ A very pumice stone, you rascal you, if one would try thee; -but to prevent thy humilities, and shew thee all submission would be -vain; to convince thee thou hast nothing but misery and despair before -thee; here----take back thy paltry thimble, and be in my debt for the -shirts I have made thee with it. - -_San._ Nay, if y'are at that sport, Mistress, I believe I shall -lose nothing by the balance of thy presents. There, take thy -tobacco-stopper, and stop thy---- - -_Jacin._ Here, take thy sattin pincushion, with thy curious half -hundred of pins in't, thou mad'st such a vapouring about yesterday: -tell them carefully, there's not one wanting. - -_San._ There's thy ivory-hafted knife again, whet it well; 'tis so -blunt 'twill cut nothing but love. - -_Jacin._ And there's thy pretty pocket scissars thou hast honour'd me -with, they'll cut off a leg or an arm; heaven bless them. - -_San._ Here's the inchanted handkerchief you were pleased to indear -with your precious blood, when the violence of your love at dinner, -t'other day, made you cut your fingers----There. - - [_Blows his nose in it, and gives it her._ - -_Jacin._ The rascal so provokes me, I won't even keep his paltry -garters from him. D'ye see these? You pitiful beggarly scoundrel -you:----There, take 'em, there. - - [_She takes her garters off, and flaps them about his face._ - -_San._ I have but one thing more of thine. [_Shewing his cudgel._] I -own 'tis the top of all thy presents, and might be useful to me; but -that thou may'st have nothing to upbraid me with, even take it again -with the rest of them. - - [_Lifting it up to strike her, she leaps about his neck._ - -_Jacin._ Ah cruel _Sancho_!--Now beat me, _Sancho_, do. - -_San._ Rather, like _Indian_ beggars, beat my precious self. - - [_Throws away his stick, and embraces her._ - - Rather let infants blood about the streets, - Rather let all the wine about the cellar, - Rather let----Oh _Jacinta_----thou hast o'ercome. - How foolish are the great resolves of man! - Resolves, which we neither wou'd keep, nor can. - When those bright eyes in kindness please to shine, - Their goodness I must needs return with mine: - Bless my _Jacinta_ in her _Sancho_'s arms---- - -_Jacin._ And I my _Sancho_ with _Jacinta_'s charms. - - [_Exeunt._ - - - - -+ACT+ V. +SCENE+ I. - - +SCENE+, _the Street_. - - - _Enter ~Lopez~._ - -As soon as it is night, says my master to me, tho' it cost me my -life, I'll enter _Leonora_'s lodgings; therefore make haste, _Lopez_, -prepare every thing necessary, three pair of pocket pistols, two -wide-mouth'd blunderbusses, some six ells of sword-blade and a couple -of dark lanthorns. When my Master said this to me; Sir, said I to my -master, (that is, I would have said it, if I had not been in such -a fright, I could say nothing, however I'll say it to him now, and -shall probably have a quiet hearing;) look you, Sir, by dint of reason -I intend to confound you: you are resolv'd, you say, to get into -_Leonora_'s lodgings, tho' the Devil stand in the door-way?----Yes, -_Lopez_, that's my resolution----Very well, and what do you intend to -do when you are there?----Why, what an injur'd man shou'd do; make -her sensible of----Make her sensible of a pudding, don't you see -she's a jade? She'll raise the house about your ears, arm the whole -family, set the great dog at you.----Were there legions of Devils to -repulse me, in such a cause I could disperse them all----Why then you -have no occasion for help, Sir, you may leave me at home to lay the -cloth.----No; thou art my ancient friend, my fellow-traveller, and to -reward thy faithful services, this night thou shalt partake my danger -and my glory.----Sir, I have got glory enough under you already, to -content any reasonable servant for his life----Thy modesty makes me -willing to double my bounty; this night may bring eternal honour to -thee and thy family.----Eternal honour, Sir, is too much in conscience -for a serving-man; besides ambition has been many a great soul's -undoing----I doubt thou art afraid, my _Lopez_, thou shalt be arm'd -with back, with breast and headpiece----They will encumber me in my -retreat.----Retreat! my hero! Thou never shalt retreat.----Then by my -troth I'll never go, Sir.----But here he comes. - - _Enter ~Lorenzo~._ - -_Lor._ Will it never be night? sure 'tis the longest day the sun e'er -travell'd. - -_Lop._ Would 'twere as long as those in _Greenland_, Sir, that you -might spin out your life t'other half year. I don't like these nightly -projects; a man can't see what he does: we shall have some scurvy -mistake or other happen; a brace of bullets blunder thro' your head in -the dark perhaps, and spoil all your intrigue. - -_Lor._ Away, you trembling wretch, away. - -_Lop._ Nay, Sir, what I say is purely for your safety: for as to -myself----Uds-death, I no more value the losing a quart of blood, than -I do drinking a quart of wine. Besides, my veins are too full, my -physician advis'd me yesterday to let go twenty ounces for my health. -So you see, Sir, there's nothing of that in the case. - -_Lor._ Then let me hear no other objections: for 'till I see _Leonora_ -I must lie upon the rack. I cannot bear her resentment, and will pacify -her this night, or not live to see to-morrow. - -_Lop._ Well, Sir, since you are so determin'd, I shan't be impertinent -with any farther advice; but I think you have laid your design -to----[_He coughs._] (I have got such a cold to-day) to get in -privately, have you not? - -_Lor._ Yes; and have taken care to be introduced as far as her -chamber-door with all secrecy. - -_Lop._ [_He coughs._]----This unlucky cough, I had rather have had a -fever at another time. Sir, I should be sorry to do you more harm than -good upon this occasion: if this cough shou'd come upon me in the -midst of the action, [_Coughs._] and give the alarm to the family, I -shou'd not forgive myself as long as I liv'd. - -_Lor._ I have greater ventures than that to take my chance for, and -can't dispense with your attendance, Sir. - -_Lop._ This 'tis to be a good servant, and make one's self necessary. - - _Enter ~Toledo~._ - -_Tol._ Sir,----I am glad I have found you. I am a man of honour, you -know, and do always profess losing my life upon a handsome occasion: -sir, I come to offer you my service. I am inform'd from unquestionable -hands, that Don _Carlos_ is enrag'd against you to a dangerous degree; -and that old _Alvarez_ has given positive directions to break the legs -and arms of your servant _Lopez_. - -_Lop._ Look you there, now, I thought what 'twou'd come to; what do -they meddle with me for? What have I to do in my Master's amours? The -old Don's got out of his senses, I think, have I married his daughter? - -_Lor._ Fear nothing, we'll take care o'thee----Sir, I thank you for -the favour of your intelligence, 'tis nothing however but what I have -expected and am provided for. - -_Tol._ Sir, I wou'd advise you to provide yourself with good friends, I -desire the honour to keep your back hand myself. - -_Lop._ 'Tis very kind indeed. Pray, Sir, have you never a servant with -you cou'd hold a racket for me too? - -_Tol._ I have two friends fit to head two armies; and yet----a word in -your ear, they shan't cost you above a ducat a-piece. - -_Lop._ Take 'em by all means, Sir, you were never offer'd a better -pennyworth in your life. - -_Tol._ Ah, Sir,----little _Diego_----you have heard of him; he'd have -been worth a legion upon this occasion: you know, I suppose, how they -have serv'd him----They have hang'd him, but he made a noble execution; -they clapp'd the rack and the priest to him at once, but cou'd neither -get a word of confession, nor a groan of repentance; he died mighty -well truly. - -_Lor._ Such a man is indeed much to be regretted: As for the rest of -your escorte, captain, I thank you for 'em, but shall not use 'em. - -_Tol._ I'm sorry for't, Sir, because I think you go in very great -danger; I'm much afraid your rival won't give you fair play. - -_Lop._ If he does, I'll be hang'd; he's a damn'd passionate fellow, and -cares not what mischief he does. - -_Lor._ I shall give him a very good opportunity: for I'll have no other -guards about me but you, Sir. So come along. - -_Lop._ Why, Sir, this is the sin of presumption; setting heaven at -defiance, making a Jack-pudding of a blunderbuss. - -_Lor._ No more, but follow. Hold! turn this way; I see _Camillo_ there. -I wou'd avoid him, 'till I see what part he takes in this odd affair of -his sister's. For I wou'd not have the quarrel fix'd with him, if it be -possible to avoid it. - - [_Exit ~Lorenzo~._ - -_Lop._ Sir----Captain _Toledo_, one word if you please, Sir; I'm mighty -sorry to see my Master won't accept of your friendly offer; look ye, -I'm not very rich; but as far as the expences of a dollar went, if -you'd be so kind to take a little care of me, it shou'd be at your -service. - -_Tol._ Let me see:----A dollar you say? but suppose I'm wounded? - -_Lop._ Why you shall be put to no extraordinary charge upon that: I -have been 'prentice to a barber; and will be your surgeon myself. - -_Tol._ 'Tis too cheap in conscience; but my land estate is ill paid -this war-time---- - -_Lop._ That a little industry may be commendable; so say no more, that -matter's fix'd. - - [_Exeunt ~Lop.~ and ~Tol~._ - - _Enter ~Camillo~._ - -_Cam._ How miserable a perplexity have I brought myself into! Yet -why do I complain? since with all the dreadful torture I endure, I -can't repent of one wild step I've made. O Love! what tempests canst -thou raise, what storms canst thou assuage! To all thy cruelties I am -resign'd: Long years thro' seas of torment I'm content to roll, so thou -wilt guide me to the happy port of my _Lorenzo_'s arms, and bless me -there with one calm day at last. - - _Enter ~Isabella~._ - -_Cam._ What news, dear _Isabella_? methinks there's something chearful -in your looks may give a trembling lover hopes. If you have comfort for -me, speak, for I indeed have need of it. - -_Isab._ Were your wants yet still greater than they are, I bring a -plentiful supply. - -_Cam._ O Heav'ns! is it possible? - -_Isab._ New mysteries are out, and if you can find charms to wean -_Lorenzo_ from your sister, no other obstacle is in the way to all your -wish. - -_Cam._ Kind messenger from Heaven, speak on. - -_Isab._ Know then, that you are daughter to _Alvarez_. - -_Cam._ How! daughter to _Alvarez_? - -_Isab._ You are: The truth this moment's come to light; and till this -moment he, altho' your father, was a stranger to it; nay, did not even -know you were a woman. In short, the great estate, which has occasion'd -these uncommon accidents, was left but on condition of a son; great -hopes of one there was, when you destroy'd 'em, and to your parents -came a most unwelcome guest: To repair the disappointment, you were -exchang'd for that young _Camillo_, who few months after dy'd. Your -father then was absent, but your mother quick in contrivance, bold in -execution, during that infant's sickness, had resolv'd his death shou'd -not deprive her family of those advantages his life had given it; so -order'd things with such dexterity, that once again there past a change -between you: of this (for reasons yet unknown to me) she made a secret -to her husband, and took such wise precautions, that 'till this hour -'twas so to all the world, except the person from whom I now have heard -it. - -_Cam._ This news indeed affords a view of no unhappy termination; yet -there are difficulties still may be of fatal hindrance. - -_Isab._ None, except that one I just now nam'd to you; for to remove -the last, know I have already unfolded all, both to Alvarez and Don -Felix. - -_Cam._ And how have they receiv'd it? - -_Isab._ To your wishes both. As for _Lorenzo_, he is yet a stranger to -all has past, and the two old fathers desire he may some moments longer -continue so. They have agreed to be a little merry with the heat he is -in, and engage you in a family-quarrel with him. - -_Cam._ I doubt, _Isabella_, I shall act that part but faintly. - -_Isab._ No matter, you'll make amends for it in the scene of -reconciliation. - -_Cam._ Pray heaven it be my lot to act it with him. - -_Isab._ Here comes Don _Felix_ to wish you joy. - - _Enter Don ~Felix~._ - -Don _Fel._ Come near, my daughter, and with extended arms of great -affection let me receive thee. [_Kisses her._] Thou art a dainty -wench, good faith thou art, and 'tis a mettled action thou hast done; -if _Lorenzo_ don't like thee the better for't, Cods my life, he's a -pitiful fellow, and I shan't believe the bonny old man had the getting -of him. - -_Cam._ I'm so encourag'd by your forgiveness, Sir, methinks I have some -flattering hopes of his. - -Don _Fel._ Of his! I'gad, and he had best, I believe he'll meet with -his match if he don't. What dost think of trying his courage a little, -by way of a joke or so? - -_Isab._ I was just telling her your design, Sir. - -Don _Fel._ Why I'm in a mighty witty way upon this whimsical occasion; -but I see him coming. You must not appear yet; go your way in to the -rest of the people there, and I'll inform him what a squabble he has -work'd himself into here. - - [_Exeunt ~Camillo~ and ~Isabella~._ - - _Enter ~Lorenzo~ and ~Lopez~._ - -_Lop._ Pray, Sir, don't be so obstinate now, don't affront Heaven at -this rate. I had a vision last night about this business on purpose to -forwarn you; I dreamt of goose-eggs, a blunt knife, and the snuff of a -candle; I'm sure there's mischief towards. - -_Lor._ You cowardly rascal, hold your tongue. - -Don _Fel._ _Lorenzo_, come hither, my boy, I was just going to send for -thee. The honour of our ancient family lies in thy hands; there is a -combat preparing, thou must fight, my son. - -_Lop._ Look you there, now, did not I tell you? O dreams are wond'rous -things, I never knew that snuff of a candle fail yet. - -_Lor._ Sir, I do not doubt but _Carlos_ seeks my life, I hope he'll do -it fairly. - -_Lop._ Fairly, do you hear, fairly! Give me leave to tell you, Sir, -folks are not fit to be trusted with lives, that don't know how to look -better after them. Sir, you gave it him, I hope you'll make him take a -little more care on't. - -Don _Fel._ My care shall be to make him do as a man of honour ought to -do. - -_Lop._ What, will you let him fight, then? let your own flesh and blood -fight? - -Don _Fel._ In a good cause, as this is. - -_Lop._ _O monstrum horrendum!_ Now I have that humanity about me, that -if a man but talks to me of fighting, I shiver at the name on't. - -_Lor._ What you do, on this occasion Sir, is worthy of you: And had I -been wanting to you, in my due regards before, this noble action wou'd -have stamp'd that impression, which a grateful son ought to have for so -generous a father. - -_Lop._ Very generous, truly! gives him leave to be run thro' the guts, -for his posterity to brag on a hundred years hence. - - [_Aside._ - -_Lor._ I think, Sir, as things now stand, it won't be right for me to -wait for _Carlos_'s call; I'll, if you please, prevent him. - -_Lop._ Ay, pray, Sir, do prevent him by all means, 'tis better made up, -as you say, a thousand times. - -Don _Fel._ Hold your tongue, you impertinent Jackanapes, I will have -him fight, and fight like a fury too; If he don't, he'll be worsted, I -can tell him that. For know, son, your antagonist is not the person you -name, it is an enemy of twice his force. - -_Lop._ O dear, O dear, O dear! and will nobody keep 'em asunder? - -_Lor._ Nobody shall keep us asunder, if once I know the man I have to -deal with. - -Don _Fel._ Thy man then is----_Camillo_. - -_Lor._ _Camillo!_ - -Don _Fel._ 'Tis he, he'll suffer no body to decide this quarrel but -himself. - -_Lop._ Then there are no seconds, Sir. - -Don _Fel._ None. - -_Lop._ He's a brave man. - -Don _Fel._ No, he says nobody's blood shall be spilt upon this -occasion, but theirs who have a title to it. - -_Lop._ I believe he'll scarce have a law-suit upon the claim. - -Don _Fel._ In short, he accuses thee of a shameful falshood, in -pretending his sister _Leonora_ was thy wife; and has upon it prevailed -with his father, as thou has done with thine, to let the debate be -ended by the sword 'twixt him and thee. - -_Lop._ And pray, Sir, with submission, one short question if you -please; what may the gentle _Leonora_ say of this business? - -Don _Fel._ She approves of the combat, and marries _Carlos_. - -_Lop._ Why, God a-mercy. - -_Lor._ Is it possible? Sure she's a devil, not a woman. - -_Lop._ I----cod, Sir, the Devil and a woman both, I think. - -Don _Fel._ Well, thou sha't have satisfaction of some of 'em. Here they -all come. - - _Enter ~Alvarez~, ~Leonora~, ~Carlos~, ~Sancho~, and ~Jacinta~._ - -_Alv._ Well, Don _Felix_, have you prepared your son? for mine, he's -ready to engage. - -_Lor._ And so is his. My wrongs prepare me for a thousand combats. My -hand has hitherto been held by the regard I've had to every thing of -kin to _Leonora_; but since the monstrous part she acts has driven her -from my heart, I call for reparation from her family. - -_Alv._ You'll have it, Sir; _Camillo_ will attend you instantly. - -_Lop._ O lack! O lack! will no body do a little something to prevent -bloodshed? Why, Madam, have you no pity, no bowels? [_To ~Leonora~._] -stand and see one of your husbands stoter'd before your face? 'Tis an -arrant shame. - -_Leo._ If widowhood be my fate, I must bear it as I can. - -_Lop._ Why, did you ever hear the like? - -_Lor._ Talk to her no more. Her monstrous impudence is no otherwise to -be replied to, than by a dagger in her brother's heart. - -_Leo._ Yonder he's coming to receive it. But have a care, brave Sir, he -does not place it in another's. - -_Lor._ It is not in his power. He has a rotten cause upon his sword, -I'm sorry he's engag'd in't; but since he is, he must take his fate. -For you, my bravo, expect me in your turn. - - [_To ~Carlos~._ - -_Car._ You'll find Camillo, Sir, will set your hand out. - -_Lor._ A beardless boy. You might have match'd me better, Sir: but -prudence is a virtue. - -Don _Fel._ Nay, son, I wou'd not have thee despise thy adversary -neither; thou'lt find Camillo will put thee hardly to't. - -_Lor._ I wish we were come to the trial. Why does he not appear? - -_Jacin._ Now do I hate to hear people brag thus. Sir, with my lady's -leave, I'll hold a ducat he disarms you. - - [_They laugh._ - -_Lor._ Why, what!--I think I'm sported with. Take heed, I warn you all; -I am not to be trifled with. - - _Enter ~Camillo~ and ~Isabella~._ - -_Leo._ You shan't, Sir, here's one will be in earnest with you. - -_Lor._ He's welcome: tho' I had rather have drawn my sword against -another. I'm sorry, _Camillo_, we should meet on such bad terms as -these; yet more sorry your sister should be the wicked cause on't: -but since nothing will serve her but the blood either of a husband or -brother, she shall be glutted with't. Draw. - -_Lop._ Ah Lard, ah Lard, ah Lard! - -_Lor._ And yet before I take this instrument of death into my fatal -hand, hear me, _Camillo_; hear _Alvarez_; all! I imprecate the utmost -powers of heaven to shower upon my head the deadliest of its wrath; -I ask that all hell's torments may unite to round my soul with one -eternal anguish, if wicked _Leonora_ ben't my wife. - -_Omnes._ O Lord, O Lord, O Lord! - -_Leo._ Why then may all those curses pass him by, and wrap me in their -everlasting pains, if ever once I had a fleeting thought of making him -my husband. - -_Lop._ O Lord, O Lord, O Lord! - -_Leo._ Nay more; to strike him dumb at once, and shew what men with -honest looks can practise, know he's married to another. - -_Alv._ and _Fel._ How! - -_Leo._ The truth of this is known to some here. - -_Jacin._ Nay, 'tis certainly so. - -_Isab._ 'Tis to a friend of mine. - -_Car._ I know the person. - -_Lor._ 'Tis false, and thou art a villain for thy testimony. - -_Cam._ Then let me speak; what they aver is true, and I myself was in -disguise, a witness of its doing. - -_Lor._ Death and confusion! he a villain too! have at thy heart. - - [_He draws._ - -_Lop._ Ah!----I can't bear the sight on't. - -_Cam._ Put up that furious thing, there's no business for't. - -_Lor._ There's business for a dagger, strippling; 'tis that should be -thy recompence. - -_Cam._ Why then to shew thee naked to the world, and close thy mouth -for ever----I am myself thy wife.---- - -_Lor._ What does the dog mean? - -_Cam._ To fall upon the earth and sue for mercy. - - [_Kneels and lets her perriwig fall off._ - -_Lor._ A woman! - -_Lop._ Ay----cod, and a pretty one too; you wags you. - -_Lor._ I'm all amazement. Rise, _Camillo_, (if I am still to call you -by that name) and let me hear the wonders you have for me. - -_Isab._ That part her modesty will ask from me: I'm to inform you then, -that this disguise hides other mysteries besides a woman; a large and -fair estate was cover'd by it, which with the lady now will be resigned -to you. 'Tis true, in justice it was yours before; but 'tis the God of -Love has done you right. To him you owe this strange discovery, thro' -him you are to know the true _Camillo_'s dead, and that this fair -adventurer is daughter to _Alvarez_. - -_Lor._ Incredible! but go on; let me hear more. - -Don _Fel._ She'll tell thee the rest herself, the next dark night she -meets thee in the garden. - -_Lor._ Ha!--Was it _Camillo_ then, that I---- - -_Isab._ It was _Camillo_ who there made you happy: And who has virtue, -beauty, wit and love----enough to make you so, while life shall last -you. - -_Lor._ The proof she gives me of her love, deserves a large -acknowledgment indeed. Forgive me therefore, _Leonora_, if what I owe -this goodness and these charms, I with my utmost care, my life, my -soul, endeavour to repay. - -_Cam._ Is it then possible you can forgive me? - -_Lor._ Indeed I can; few crimes have such a claim to mercy; but join -with me then, dear _Camillo_, (for still I know you by no other name) -join with me to obtain your father's pardon: yours, _Leonora_, too, -I must implore; and yours, my friend, for now we may be such. [_To -~Carlos~._] Of all I ask forgiveness. And since there is so fair a -cause of all my wild mistakes, I hope I by her interest shall obtain -it. - -_Alv._ You have a claim to mine, _Lorenzo_, I wish I had so strong -a one to yours; but if by future services, (tho' I lay down my life -amongst 'em) I may blot out of your remembrance a fault (I cannot name) -I then shall leave the world in peace. - -_Lor._ In peace then, Sir, enjoy it; for from this very hour, whate'er -is past with me, is gone for ever. Your daughter is too fair a -mediatrix to be refus'd his pardon, to whom she owes the charms she -pleads with for it. - - _From this good day, then, let all discord cease; - Let those to come be harmony and peace; - Henceforth let all our diff'rent interests join, } - Let fathers, lovers, friends, let all combine, } - To make each other's days as blest, as she will mine._ } - - [_Exeunt._ - - - - -EPILOGUE, - - - Written by Mr. =Motteux=. - - _I'm thinking, now good husbands are so few, - To get one for my friend what I must do. - ~Camillo~ ventur'd hard; yet at the worst, - She stole love's honey-moon, and try'd her lover first. - Many poor damsels, if they dar'd to tell, - Have done as much, but have not 'scap'd so well. - 'Tis well the scene's in ~Spain~; thus, in the dark, - I should be loth to trust a ~London~ spark. - Some accident might for a private reason, - Silence a female, all this acting-season. - Hard fate of women: any one wou'd vex, - To think what odds, you men have, of our sex. - Restraint and custom share our inclination, - You men can try, and run o'er half the nation. - We dare not, even to avoid reproach, - When you're at ~White~'s, peep out of hackney-coach; - Nor with a friend at night, our fame regarding, - With glass drawn up, drive 'bout ~Covent-Garden~. - If poor town-ladies steal in here, you rail, - Tho' like chaste nuns their modest looks they veil; - With this decorum, they can hardly gain - To be thought virtuous, e'en in ~Drury-Lane~. - Tho' this you'll not allow, yet sure you may - A plot to snap you, in an honest way. - In love affairs, one scarce would spare a brother: } - All cheat; and married folks may keep a pother, } - But look as if they cheated one another. } - You may pretend, our sex dissembles most; - But of your truth none have much cause to boast: - You promise bravely; but for all your storming, - We find you're not so valiant at performing. - Then sure ~Camillo~'s conduct you'll approve: - Wou'd you not do as much for one you love? - Wedlock's but a blind bargain at the best, - You venture more sometimes, to be not half so blest. - All, soon or late, that dangerous venture make, - And some of you may make a worse mistake._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -THE - -COUNTRY HOUSE. - -A - -FARCE. - - -[Illustration] - - - - -Dramatis Personæ. - - -MEN. - - _Mr._ Barnard. - - _Mr._ Griffard, _Brother to Mr._ Barnard. - - Erastus, _in love with_ Mariamne. - - Dorant, _Son to Mr._ Barnard. - - _Monsieur le Marquis_. - - _Baron_ de Messy. - - Janno, _Cousin to Mr._ Barnard. - - Colin, _Servant to Mr._ Barnard. - - Charly, _a little Boy_. - - _Servant to_ Erastus. - - _Three gentlemen, friends to_ Dorant. - - _A cook, other servants, &c._ - - -WOMEN. - - _Mrs._ Barnard. - - Mariamne, _her daughter_. - - Mawkin, _sister to_ Janno. - - Lisetta, _servant to_ Mariamne. - - The +SCENE+ is laid in _Normandy_ in - _France_. - - THE - - COUNTRY HOUSE. - - - - -+ACT+ I. +SCENE+ I. - - - _Enter ~Erastus~ and his man, with ~Lisetta~, ~Mariamne~'s maid._ - -_Lis._ Once more I tell ye, Sir, if you have any consideration in the -world for her, you must be gone this minute. - -_Er._ My dear _Lisetta_, let me but speak to her, let me but see her -only. - -_Lis._ You may do what you will; but not here, whilst you are in our -house. I do believe she's as impatient to see you, as you can be to see -her; but---- - -_Er._ But why won't you give us that satisfaction then? - -_Lis._ Because I know the consequence; for when you once get together, -the Devil himself is not able to part you; you will stay so long 'till -you are surpriz'd, and what will become of us then? - -_Serv._ Why, then we shall be thrown out at the window, I suppose. - -_Lis._ No, but I shall be turn'd out of doors. - -_Er._ How unfortunate am I! these doors are open to all the world, and -only shut to me. - -_Lis._ Because you come for a wife, and at our house we do not care for -people that come for wives. - -_Serv._ What would you have us come for, child? - -_Lis._ Any thing but wives; because they cannot be put off without -portions. - -_Serv._ Portions! No, no, never talk of portions; my Master nor I -neither don't want portions; and if he'd follow my advice, a regiment -of fathers shou'd not guard her. - -_Lis._ What say you? - -_Serv._ Why, if you'll contrive that my Master may run away with your -Mistress, I don't much care, faith, if I run away with you. - -_Lis._ Don't you so, rogue's face? but I hope to be better provided for. - -_Er._ Hold your tongues. But where is _Mariamne_'s brother? He is my -bosom friend, and would be willing to serve me. - -_Lis._ I told you before, that he has been abroad a hunting, and we -han't seen him these three days; he seldom lies at home, to avoid his -father's ill humour; so that it is not your Mistress only that our old -covetous cuff teizes----there's nobody in the family but feels the -effects of his ill humour----by his good will he would not suffer a -creature to come within his doors, or eat at his table----and if there -be but a rabbit extraordinary for dinner, he thinks himself ruin'd for -ever. - -_Er._ Then I find you pass your time comfortably in this family. - -_Lis._ Not so bad as you imagine neither, perhaps; for, thank Heaven, -we have a Mistress that's as bountiful as he is stingy, one that will -let him say what he will, and yet does what she will. But hark, here's -somebody coming; it is certainly he. - -_Er._ Can't you hide us somewhere? - -_Lis._ Here, here, get you in here as fast as you can. - -_Serv._ Thrust me in too. - - [_Puts 'em into the closet._ - - -+SCENE+ II. - - _Enter ~Mariamne~._ - -_Lis._ O, is it you? - -_Mar._ So, _Lisetta_, where have you been? I've been looking for -you all over the house: who are those people in the garden with my -mother-in-law? I believe my father won't be very well pleas'd to see -'em there. - -_Lis._ And here's somebody else not afar off, that I believe your -father won't be very well pleas'd with neither. Come, Sir, Sir. - - [_Calls._ - - [_Erastus and his servant come out._ - -_Mar._ O Heavens! - - [_Cries out._ - -_Lis._ Come, lovers, I can allow you but a short bout on't this time; -you must do your work with a jirk----one whisper, two sighs and, a -kiss; make haste, I say, and I'll stand centry for you in the mean time. - - [_Exit ~Lisetta~._ - -_Mar._ Do you know what you expose me to, _Erastus_? What do you mean? - -_Er._ To die, Madam, since you receive me with so little pleasure. - -_Mar._ Consider what wou'd become of me, if my father shou'd see you -here. - -_Er._ What wou'd you have me do? - -_Mar._ Expect with patience some happy turn of affairs; my -mother-in-law is kind and indulgent to a miracle, and her favour, if -well managed, may turn to our advantage; and cou'd I prevail upon -myself to declare my passion to her, I don't doubt but she'd join in -our interest. - -_Er._ Well, since we've nothing to fear from her, and your brother, -you know is my intimate friend; you may therefore conceal me somewhere -about the house for a few days. I'll creep into any hole. - -_Serv._ Ay, but who must have the care of bringing us victuals? - - [_Aside._ - -_Er._ Thrust us into the cellar, or up into the garret: I don't care -where it is, so that it be but under the same roof with you. - -_Serv._ But I don't say so, for that jade _Lisetta_ will have the -feeding of us, and I know what kind of diet she keeps----I believe we -shan't be like the fox in the fable, our bellies won't be so full but -we shall be able to creep out at the same hole we got in at. - -_Er._ Must I then be gone? must I return to Paris? - - _Enter ~Lisetta~._ - -_Lis._ Yes, that you must, and immediately too, for here's my master -coming in upon ye. - -_Er._ What shall I do? - -_Lis._ Begone this minute. - -_Mar._ Stay in the village 'till you hear from me, none of our family -know that you are in it. - -_Er._ Shall I see you sometimes? - -_Mar._ I han't time to answer you now. - -_Lis._ Make haste, I say; are you bewitch'd? - -_Er._ Will you write to me? - -_Mar._ I will if can. - -_Lis._ Begone, I say, is the Devil in you? - - [_Thrusting ~Erastus~ and his servant out._ - -Come this way, your father's just stepping in upon us. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+ III. - - _Enter Mr. ~Barnard~ beating ~Colin~._ - -Mr. _Barn._ Rogue! rascal! did not I command you? Did not I give you my -orders, sirrah? - -_Col._ Why, you gave me orders to let no body in; and Madam, her gives -me orders to let every body in----why the Devil himself can't please -you boath, I think. - -Mr. _Barn._ But, sirrah, you must obey my orders, not hers. - -_Col._ Why the gentlefolks asked for her, they did not ask for -you--what do you make such a noise about? - -Mr. _Barn._ For that reason, sirrah, you shou'd not have let 'em in. - -_Col._ Hold, Sir, I'd rather see you angry than her, that's true; for -when you're angry you have only the devil in ye, but when Madam's in a -passion she has the devil and his dam both in her belly. - -Mr. _Barn._ You must mind what I say to you, sirrah, and obey my orders. - -_Col._ Ay, ay, Measter----but let's not quarrel with one -another--you're always in such a plaguy humour. - -Mr. _Barn._ What are these people that are just come? - -_Col._ Nay, that know not I----but as fine volk they are as ever eye -beheld, heaven bless 'em. - -Mr. _Barn._ Did you hear their names? - -_Col._ Noa, noa, but in a coach they keam all besmeared with gould, -with six breave horses, the like on 'em ne'er did I set eyes -on----'twou'd do a man's heart good to look on sike fine beast, Measter. - -Mr. _Barn._ How many persons are there? - -_Col._ Vour----two as fine men as ever women bore, and two as dainty -deames as a man wou'd desire to lay his lips to. - -Mr. _Barn._ And all this crew sets up at my house. - -_Col._ Noa, noa, Measter, the coachman is gone into the village to set -up his coach at some inn, for I told him our coach-house was vull of -vaggots, but he'll bring back the six horses, for I told him we had a -rear good stable. - -Mr. _Barn._ Did you so, rascal? Did you so? - - [_Beats him._ - -_Col._ Doant, doant, Sir, it wou'd do you good to see sike cattle, -i'faith they look as if they had ne'er kept Lent. - -Mr. _Barn._ Then they shall learn religion at my house----Sirrah, do -you take care they sup without oats to-night----What will become of me? -Since I bought this damn'd country house, I spend more in a summer than -wou'd maintain me seven years. - -_Col._ Why, if you do spend money, han't you good things for it? Come -they not to see you the whole country raund? Mind how you're belov'd, -Measter. - -Mr. _Barn._ Pox take such love----How now, what do you want? - - _Enter ~Lisetta~._ - -_Lis._ Sir, there's some company in the garden with my mistress, who -desire to see you. - -Mr. _Barn._ The devil take 'em, what business have they here? But who -are they? - -_Lis._ Why, Sir, there's the fat Abbot that always sits so long at -dinner, and drinks his two bottles by way of whet. - -Mr. _Barn._ I wish his church was in his belly, that his guts might be -half full before he came----and who else? - -_Lis._ Then there's the young Marquis that won all my Lady's money at -cards. - -Mr. _Barn._ Pox take him too. - -_Lis._ Then there's the merry Lady that's always in a good humour. - -Mr. _Barn._ Very well. - -_Lis._ Then there's she that threw down all my Lady's china t'other -day, and laugh'd at it for a jest. - -Mr. _Barn._ Which I paid above fifty pounds for in earnest--very well, -and pray how did Madam receive all this fine company?----With a hearty -welcome, and a courtsy with her bum down to the ground, ha. - -_Lis._ No indeed, Sir, she was very angry with 'em. - -Mr. _Barn._ How, angry with 'em, say you? - -_Lis._ Yes indeed, Sir, for she expected they wou'd have staid here a -fortnight, but it seems things happen so unluckily that they can't stay -here above ten days. - -Mr. _Barn._ Ten days! How! what! four persons with a coach and six, and -a kennel of hungry hounds in liveries, to live upon me ten days. - - [_Exit ~Lisetta~._ - - _Enter a soldier._ - -So, what do you want? - -_Sol._ Sir, I come from your nephew, Captain _Hungry_. - -Mr. _Barn._ Well, what does he want? - -_Sol._ He gives his service to you, Sir, and sends you word that he'll -come and dine with you to-morrow. - -Mr. _Barn._ Dine with me! no, no, friend, tell him I don't dine at all -to-morrow, it is my fast-day, my wife died on't. - -_Sol._ And he has sent you here a pheasant and a couple of partridges. - -Mr. _Barn._ How's that, a pheasant and partridges, say you?----let's -see----very fine birds, truly----let me consider--To-morrow is not my -fast-day, I mistook, tell my nephew he shall be welcome----And d'ye -hear? [_To ~Colin~._] do you take these fowls and hang them up in a -cool place----and take this soldier in, and make him drink--make him -drink, d'ye see----a cup,----ay, a cup of small beer----d'ye hear? - -_Col._ Yes, Sir----Come along; our small beer is reare good. - -_Sol._ But, Sir, he bade me tell you that he'll bring two or three of -his brother officers along with him. - -Mr. _Barn._ How's that! Officers with him----here, come back----take -the fowls again; I don't dine to-morrow, and so tell him [_Gives him -the basket._] Go, go. - - [_Thrusts him out._ - -_Sol._ Sir, Sir, that won't hinder them from coming, for they retir'd a -little distance off the camp, and because your house is near 'em, Sir, -they resolve to come. - -Mr. _Barn._ Go, begone, Sirrah, - - [_Thrusts him out._ - -There's a rogue now, that sends me three lean carrion birds, and brings -half a dozen varlets to eat them. - - _Enter Mr. ~Griffard~._ - -_Griff._ Brother, what is the meaning of these doings? If you don't -order your affairs better, you'll have your fowls taken out of your -very yard, and carried away before your face. - -Mr. _Barn._ Can I help it, brother? But what's the matter now? - -_Griff._ There's a parcel of fellows have been hunting about your -grounds all this morning, broke down your hedges, and are now coming -into your house----don't you hear them? - -Mr. _Barn._ No, no, I don't hear them: who are they? - -_Griff._ Three or four rake-helly officers, with your nephew at the -head of 'em. - -Mr. _Barn._ O the rogue! he might well send me fowls----but is it not -a vexatious thing, that I must stand still and see myself plunder'd at -this rate, and have a carrion of a wife who thinks I ought to thank all -these rogues that come to devour me! but can't you advise me what's to -be done in this case? - -_Griff._ I wish I cou'd; for it goes to my heart to see you thus -treated by a crew of vermin, who think they do you a great deal of -honour in ruining of you. - -Mr. _Barn._ Can there be no way found to redress this? - -_Griff._ If I were you, I'd leave this house quite, and go to town. - -Mr. _Barn._ What, and leave my wife behind me? ay that wou'd be mending -the matter indeed! - -_Griff._ Why don't you sell it then? - -Mr. _Barn._ Because nobody will buy it; it has got as bad a name as if -the plague were in't; it has been sold over and over, and every family -that has liv'd in it has been ruin'd. - -_Griff._ Then send away all your beds and furniture; except what is -absolutely necessary for your own family, you'll save something by -that, for then your guests can't stay with you all night, however. - -Mr. _Barn._ I've try'd that already, and it signified nothing----For -they all got drunk and lay in the barn, and next morning laugh'd it off -for a frolick. - -_Griff._ Then there is but one remedy left that I can think of. - -Mr. _Barn._ What's that? - -_Griff._ You must e'en do what's done when a town's on fire, blow up -your house that the mischief may run no farther----But who is this -gentleman? - -Mr. _Barn._ I never saw him in my life before, but for all that, I'll -hold fifty pound he comes to dine with me. - - _Enter the Marquis._ - -_Marq._ My dear Mr. _Barnard_, I'm your most humble servant. - -Mr. _Barn._ I don't doubt it, Sir. - -_Marq._ What is the meaning of this, Mr. _Barnard_? You look as coldly -upon me as if I were a stranger. - -Mr. _Barn._ Why truly, Sir, I'm very apt to do so by persons I never -saw in my life before. - -_Marq._ You must know, Mr. _Barnard_, I'm come on purpose to drink a -bottle with you. - -Mr. _Barn._ That may be, Sir; but it happens that at this time I am not -at all dry. - -_Marq._ I left the ladies at cards waiting for supper; for my part, I -never play; so I came to see my dear Mr. _Barnard_; and I'll assure you -I undertook this journey only to have the honour of your acquaintance. - -Mr. _Barn._ You might have spared yourself that trouble, Sir. - -_Marq._ Don't you know, Mr. _Barnard_, that this house of yours is a -little paradise? - -Mr. _Barn._ Then rot me if it be, Sir. - -_Marq._ For my part, I think a pretty retreat in the country is one of -the greatest comforts of life; I suppose you never want good company, -Mr. _Barnard_? - -Mr. _Barn._ No, Sir, I never want company; for you must know I love -very much to be alone. - -_Marq._ Good wine you must keep above all things, without good wine and -good cheer I would not give a fig for the country. - -Mr. _Barn._ Really, Sir, my wine is the worst you ever drank in your -life, and you'll find my cheer but very indifferent. - -_Marq._ No matter, no matter, Mr. _Barnard_; I've heard much of your -hospitality, there's a plentiful table in your looks----and your wife -is certainly one of the best women in the world. - -Mr. _Barn._ Rot me if she be, Sir. - - _Enter ~Colin~._ - -_Col._ Sir, Sir, yonder's the Baron _de Messy_ has lost his hawk in our -garden; he says it is pearch'd upon one of the trees; may we let him -have'n again, Sir? - -Mr. _Barn._ Go tell him that---- - -_Col._ Nay, you may tell him yourself, for here he comes. - - -+SCENE+ IV. - - _Enter the Baron ~de Messy~._ - -Sir, I'm your most humble Servant, and ask you a thousand pardons that -I should live so long in your neighbourhood, and come upon such an -occasion as this to pay you my first respects. - -Mr. _Barn._ It is very well, Sir; but I think people may be very good -neighbours without visiting one another. - -_Baron._ Pray how do you like our _country_? - -Mr. _Barn._ Not at all, I'm quite tired on't. - -_Marq._ Is it not the Baron? [_Aside._] it is certainly he. - -_Baron._ How; my dear Marquis! let me embrace you. - -_Marq._ My dear Baron, let me kiss you. - - [_They run and embrace._ - -_Baron._ We have not seen one another since we were school-fellows, -before. - -_Marq._ The happiest _Rencontré_! - -_Bro._ These gentlemen seem to be very well acquainted. - -Mr. _Barn._ Yes, but I know neither one nor t'other of them. - -_Marq._ Baron, let me present to you one of the best-natur'd men in the -world, Mr. _Barnard_ here, the flower of hospitality----I congratulate -you upon having so good a neighbour. - -Mr. _Barn._ Sir! - -_Baron._ It is an advantage I am proud of. - -Mr. _Barn._ Sir! - -_Marq._ Come, gentlemen, you must be very intimate; let me have the -honour of bringing you better acquainted. - -Mr. _Barn._ Sir! - -_Baron._ Dear Marquis, I shall take it as a favour, if you'll do me -that honour. - -Mr. _Barn._ Sir! - -_Marq._ With all my heart----Come, Baron, now you are here we can make -up the most agreeable company in the world----Faith you shall stay and -pass a few days with us. - -Mr. _Barn._ Methinks now, this son of a whore does the honour of my -house to a miracle. - -_Baron._ I don't know what to say, but I shou'd be very glad you'd -excuse me. - -_Marq._ Faith, I can't. - -_Baron._ Dear Marquis. - -_Marq._ Egad I won't. - -_Baron._ Well, since it must be so----But here comes the Lady of the -family. - - _Enter Mrs. ~Barnard~._ - -_Marq._ Madam, let me present you to the flower of _France_. - -_Baron._ Madam, I shall think myself the happiest person in the world -in your Ladyship's acquaintance; and the little estate I have in _this -country_ I esteem more than all the rest, because it lies so near your -Ladyship. - -Mrs. _Barn._ Sir, your most humble servant. - -_Marq._ Madam, the Baron _de Messy_ is the best humour'd man in the -world. I've prevail'd with him to give us his company a few days. - -Mrs. _Barn._ I'm sure you could not oblige Mr. _Barnard_ or me more. - -Mr. _Barn._ That's a damn'd lye, I'm sure. - - [_Aside._ - -_Baron._ I'm sorry, Madam, I can't accept of the honour----for it -falls out so unluckily, that I've some ladies at my house that I can't -possibly leave. - -_Marq._ No matter, no matter, Baron; you have ladies at your house, we -have ladies at our house--let's join companies----come, let's send for -them immediately; the more the merrier. - -Mr. _Barn._ An admirable expedient, truly! - -_Baron._ Well, since it must be so, I'll go for them myself. - -_Marq._ Make haste, dear Baron, for we shall be impatient for your -return. - -_Baron._ Madam, your most humble servant----But I won't take my leave -of you----I shall be back again immediately----Monsieur _Barnard_, I'm -your most humble servant; since you will have it so, I'll return as -soon as possible. - -Mr. _Barn._ I have it so! 'sbud, Sir, you may stay as long as you -please; I'm in no haste for ye. - - [_Exeunt Baron and Marquis._ - -Mr. _Barn._ Madam, you are the cause that I am not master of my own -house. - -Mrs. _Barn._ Will you never learn to be reasonable, husband? - -_The Marquis returns._ - -_Marq._ The Baron is the best humour'd man in the world, only a little -too ceremonious, that's all----I love to be free and generous; since I -came to _Paris_ I've reform'd half the court. - -Mrs. _Barn._ You are of the most agreeable humour in the world, -_Marquis_. - -_Marq._ Always merry----But what have you done with the ladies? - -Mrs. _Barn._ I left them at cards. - -_Marq._ Well, I'll wait upon 'em----but, Madam, let me desire you not -to put yourself to any extraordinary expence upon our accounts----You -must consider we have more than one day to live together. - -Mrs. _Barn._ You are pleased to be merry, Marquis. - -_Marq._ Treat us without ceremony; good wine and poultry you have of -your own; wild-fowl and fish are brought to your door----You need not -send abroad for any thing but a piece of butcher's meat, or so----Let -us have no extraordinaries. - - [_Exit._ - -Mr. _Barn._ If I had the feeding of you, a thunder bolt should be your -supper. - -Mrs. _Barn._ Husband, will you never change your humour? If you go on -at this rate, it will be impossible to live with ye. - -Mr. _Barn._ Very true; for in a little time I shall have nothing to -live upon. - -Mrs. _Barn._ Do you know what a ridiculous figure you make? - -Mr. _Barn._ You'll make a great deal worse, when you han't money enough -to pay for the washing of your shifts. - -Mrs. _Barn._ It seems you married me only to dishonour me; how horrible -this is! - -Mr. _Barn._ I tell ye, you'll ruin me. Do you know how much money you -spend in a year? - -Mrs. _Barn._ Not I truly, I don't understand arithmetic. - -Mr. _Barn._ Arithmetic, O lud! O lud! Is it so hard to comprehend, that -he who receives but sixpence and spends a shilling, must be ruin'd in -the end? - -Mrs. _Barn._ I never troubled my head with accompts, nor never will; -but if you did but know what ridiculous things the world says of ye---- - -Mr. _Barn._ Rot the world----'Twill say worse of me when I'm in a jail. - -Mrs. _Barn._ A very Christian-like saying, truly. - -Mr. _Barn._ Don't tell me of Christian----Adsbud, I'll turn Jew, and -nobody shall eat at my table that is not circumcised. - - _Enter ~Lisetta~._ - -_Lis._ Madam, there's the Dutchess of _Twangdillo_ just fell down near -our door, her coach was overturn'd. - -Mrs. _Barn._ I hope her Grace has received no hurt. - -_Lis._ No, Madam, but her coach is broke. - -Mr. _Barn._ Then there's a smith in town may mend it. - -_Lis._ They say, 'twill require two or three days to fit it up again. - -Mrs. _Barn._ I'm glad on't with all my heart, for then I shall enjoy -the pleasure of her Grace's good company.----I'll wait upon her. - -Mr. _Barn._ Very fine doings this! - - [_Exeunt severally._ - - - - -+ACT+ II. +SCENE+ I. - - - _Enter ~Mr.~ Barnard._ - -Heaven be now my comfort, for my house is hell: [_Starts._] Who's -there, what do you want? who are you? - - _Enter servant with a portmanteau._ - -_Serv._ Sir, here's your cousin _Janno_ and cousin _Mawkin_ come from -_Paris_. - -Mr. _Barn._ What a plague do they want? - - _Enter ~Janno~ leading in ~Mawkin~._ - -_Jan._ Come, sister, come along----O here's cousin _Barnard_----Cousin -_Barnard_, your servant----Here's my sister _Mawkin_ and I are come to -see you. - -_Mawk._ Ay, cousin, here's brother _Janno_ and I are come from _Paris_ -to see you: pray how does cousin _Mariamne_ do? - -_Jan._ My sister and I waunt well at _Paris_; so my father sent us here -for two or three weeks to take a little country air. - -Mr. _Barn._ You cou'd not come to a worse place; for this is the worst -air in the whole county. - -_Mawk._ Nay, I'm sure, my father says it is the best. - -Mr. _Barn._ Your father's a fool; I tell ye, 'tis the worst. - -_Jan._ Nay, cousin, I fancy you're mistaken now; for I begin to find -my stomach come to me already; in a fortnight's time you shall see how -I'll lay about me. - -Mr. _Barn._ I don't at all doubt it. - -_Mawk._ Father wou'd have sent sister _Flip._ and little brother -_Humphrey_, but the calash would not hold us all, and so they don't -come till to-morrow with mother. - -_Jan._ Come, sister, let's put up our things in our chamber; and after -you have washed my face, and put me on a clean neckcloth, we'll go in -and see how our cousins do. - -_Mawk._ Ay, come along, we'll go and see cousin _Mariamne_. - -_Jan._ Cousin, we shan't give you much trouble, one bed will serve us; -for sister _Mawkin_ and I always lie together. - -_Mawk._ But, cousin; mother prays you that you'd order a little -cock-broth for brother _Janno_ and I, to be got ready as soon as may be. - -_Jan._ Ay, _a propos_, cousin _Barnard_, that's true; my mother -desires, that we may have some cock-broth to drink two or three times -a-day between meals, for my sister and I are sick folks. - -_Mawk._ And some young chickens, too, the doctor said would bring us to -our stomachs very soon. - -_Jan._ You fib now, sister, it waunt young chickens, so it waunt, it -was plump partridges sure, the doctor said so. - -_Mawk._ Ay, so it was brother,--come, let's go in, and see our cousins. - -_Jan._ Ay, come along, sister--cousin _Barnard_, don't forget the -cock-broth. - - [_Exeunt ~Janno~ and ~Mawkin~._ - -Mr. _Barn._ What the Devil does all this mean----mother, and sister -_Flip._, and little brother _Humphrey_, and chickens, and partridges, -and cock-broth, and fire from hell to dress 'em all. - - -+SCENE+ II. - - _Enter ~Colin~._ - -_Col._ O measter, O measter----you'll not chide to-day, as you are usen -to do, no marry will you not; see now what it is to be wiser than one's -measter. - -Mr. _Barn._ What wou'd this fool have? - -_Col._ Why thanks and money to boot, an folk were grateful. - -Mr. _Barn._ What's the matter? - -_Col._ Why the matter is, if you have good store of company in your -house, you have good store of meat to put in their bellies. - -Mr. _Barn._ How so? how so? - -_Col._ Why a large and stately stag, with a pair of horns on his head, -heavens bless you, your worship might be seen to wear 'em, comes -towards our Geat a puffing and blawing like a cow in hard labour----Now -says I to myself, says I, if my measter refuse to let this fine youth -come in, why then he's a fool, d'ye see--So I opens him the geat, pulls -off my hat with both my honds, and said you're welcome, kind Sir, to -our house. - -Mr. _Barn._ Well, well! - -_Col._ Well, well, ay, and so it is well, as you shall straightway -find----So in he trots, and makes directly towards our barn, and goes -bounce, bounce, against the door, as boldly as if he had been measter -on't----he turns'en about and thwacks'n down in the stra, as who would -say, here will I lay me till to-morrow morning--But he had no fool to -deal with----for to the kitchen goes I, and takes me down a musquet, -and with a breace of balls, I hits'n such a slap in the feace, that he -ne'er spoke a word more to me----Have I done well or no measter? - -Mr. _Barn._ Yes, you have done very well for once. - -_Col._ But this was not all, for a parcel of dogs came yelping after -their companion, as I suppose; so I goes to the back yard-door, and as -many as came by, shu, says I, and drove them into the gearden, so there -they are as safe as in a pawnd----ha, ha,----but I can but think what a -power of pasties we shall have at our house, ha, ha. - - [_Exit ~Colin~._ - -Mr. _Barn._ I see Providence takes some care of me: this cou'd never -have happened in a better time. - - -+SCENE+ III. - - _Enter ~Cook~._ - -_Cook._ Sir, sir, in the name of wonder, what do you mean? is it by -your orders that all those dogs were let into the garden? - -Mr. _Barn._ How! - -_Cook._ I believe there's forty or fifty dogs tearing up the lettice -and cabbage by the root. I believe before they have done, they'll rout -up the whole garden. - -Mr. _Barn._ This is that rogue's doings. - -_Cook._ This was not all, Sir, for three or four of 'em came into -the kitchen, and tore half the meat off the spit that was for your -worship's supper. - -Mr. _Barn._ The very dogs plague me. - -_Cook._ And then there's a crew of hungry footmen who devour'd what the -dogs left, so that there's not a bit left for your worship's supper, -not a scrap, not one morsel, Sir. - - [_Exit ~Cook~._ - -Mr. _Barn._ Sure I shall hit on some way to get rid of this crew. - - -+SCENE+ IV. - - _Enter ~Colin~._ - -_Col._ Sir, Sir, here's the devil to do without yonder; a parcel of -fellows swear they'll have our venison, and s'blead I swear they shall -have none on't, so stand to your arms, measter. - -Mr. _Barn._ Ay, you've done finely, rogue, rascal, have you not? - - [_Beating him._ - -_Col._ 'Sblead, I say they shan't have our venison. I'll die before -I'll part with it. - - [_Exit._ - - _Enter ~Griffard~._ - -_Griff._ Brother, there's some gentlemen within ask for you. - -Mr. _Barn._ What gentlemen? who are they? - -_Griff._ The gentlemen that have been hunting all this morning, they're -now gone up to your wife's chamber. - -Mr. _Barn._ The Devil go with 'em. - -_Griff._ There is but one way to get rid of this plague, and that is, -as I told you before, to set your house on fire. - -Mr. _Barn._ That's doing myself an injury, not them. - -_Griff._ There's dogs, horses, masters and servants, all intend to -stay here 'till to-morrow morning, that they may be near the woods to -hunt the earlier--besides (I overheard them) they're in a kind of plot -against you. - -Mr. _Barn._ What did they say? - -_Griff._ You'll be angry if I tell ye. - -Mr. _Barn._ Can I be more angry than I am? - -_Griff._ They said then that it was the greatest pleasure in the world -to ruin an old lawyer in the country, who had got an estate by ruining -honest people in town. - -Mr. _Barn._ There's rogues for ye! - -_Griff._ I'm mistaken if they don't play you some trick or other. - -Mr. _Barn._ Hold, let me consider. - -_Griff._ What are you doing? - -_Griff._ I'm _conceiving_, I shall _bring forth_ presently----oh, I -have it, it comes from hence, wit was its father, and invention its -mother; if I had thought on't sooner, I shou'd have been happy. - -_Griff._ What is it? - -Mr. _Barn._ Come, come along, I say; you must help me to put it in -execution. - - -+SCENE+ V. - - _Enter ~Lisetta~._ - -_Lis._ Sir, my mistress desires you to walk up, she is not able, by -herself, to pay the civilities due to so much good company. - -Mr. _Barn._ O the carrion! what does she play her jests upon me -too?----but mum, he laughs best that laughs last. - -_Lis._ What shall I tell her, Sir, will you come? - -Mr. _Barn._ Yes, yes, tell her I'll come with a pox to her. - - [_Exeunt ~Mr.~ Barnard ~and~ Griffard._ - -_Lis._ Nay, I don't wonder he shou'd be angry--they do try his -patience, that's the truth on't. - - -+SCENE+ VI. - - _Enter ~Mariamne~._ - -What, Madam, have you left your mother and the company? - -_Mar._ So much tittle tattle makes my head ake; I don't wonder my -father shou'd not love the _country_, for besides the expence he's at, -he never enjoys a minute's quiet. - -_Lis._ But let's talk of our own affairs--have you writ to your lover? - -_Mar._ No, for I have not had time since I saw him. - -_Lis._ Now you have time then, about it immediately, for he's a sort -of desperate spark, and a body does not know what he may do, if he -shou'd not hear from you; besides you promised him, and you must behave -yourself like a woman of honour, and keep your word. - -_Mar._ I'll about it this minute. - - _Enter ~Charly~._ - -_Char._ Cousin, cousin, cousin, where are you going? Come back, I have -something to say to you. - -_Lis._ What does this troublesome boy want? - -_Char._ What's that to you what I want? perhaps I have something to say -to her that will make her laugh----why sure! what need you care? - -_Mar._ Don't snub my cousin _Charly_----well, what is't? - -_Char._ Who do you think I met, as I was coming here, but that handsome -gentleman I've seen at church ogle you like any devil? - -_Mar._ Hush, softly, cousin. - -_Lis._ Not a word of that for your life. - -_Char._ O I know I shou'd not speak on't before folks; you know I made -signs to you above, that I wanted to speak to you in private, didn't I, -cousin? - -_Mar._ Yes, yes, I saw you. - -_Char._ You see I can keep a secret.----I am no girl, mun----I -believe I cou'd tell you fifty and fifty to that, of my sister -_Cicely_----O she's the devil of a girl----but she gives me money and -sugar-plumbs----and those that are kind to me fare the better for it, -you see cousin. - -_Mar._ I always said my cousin _Charly_ was a good-natur'd boy. - -_Lis._ Well, and did he know you? - -_Char._ Yes, I think he did know me--for he took me in his arms, and -did so hug and kiss me----between you and I, cousin, I believe he is -one of the best friends I have in the world. - -_Mar._ Well, but what did he say to you? - -_Char._ Why, he ask'd me where I was going; I told him I was coming to -see you; you're a lying young rogue, says he, I'm sure you dare not go -see your cousin--for you must know my sister was with me, and it seems -he took her for a crack, and I being a forward boy, he fancied I was -going to make love to her under a hedge, ha, ha. - -_Mar._ So. - -_Char._ So he offer'd to lay me a _Lewis d'Or_ that I was not coming to -you; so done, says I----Done, says he,----and so 'twas a bett, you know. - -_Mar._ Certainly. - -_Char._ So my sister's honour being concern'd, and having a mind to win -his _Lewis d'Or_, d'ye see----I bid him follow me, that he might see -whether I came in or no--but he said he'd wait for me at the little -garden gate that opens into the fields, and if I would come thro' the -house and meet him there, he should know by that whether I had been in -or no. - -_Mar._ Very well. - -_Char._ So I went there, open'd the gate and let him in-- - -_Mar._ What then? - -_Char._ Why then he paid me the _Lewis d'Or_, that's all. - -_Mar._ Why, that was honestly done. - -_Char._ And then he talk'd to me of you, and said you had the -charmingest bubbies, and every time he nam'd 'em, ha! says he, as if he -had been sipping hot tea. - -_Mar._ But was this all? - -_Char._ No, for he had a mind, you must know, to win his _Lewis d'Or_ -back again; so he laid me another, that I dare not come back, and tell -you that he was there; so cousin, I hope you won't let me lose, for if -you don't go to him and tell him that I've won, he won't pay me. - -_Mar._ What, wou'd you have me go and speak to a man? - -_Char._ Not for any harm, but to win your poor cousin a _Lewis d'Or_. -I'm sure you will--for you're a modest young woman, and may go without -danger----Well, cousin, I'll swear you look very handsome to-day, and -have the prettiest bubbies there; do let me feel 'em, I'll swear you -must. - -_Mar._ What does the young rogue mean? I swear I'll have you whipt. - - [_Exeunt ~Charly~ and ~Mariamne~._ - - _Enter ~Colin~._ - -_Col._ Ha, ha, ha! our old gentleman's a wag efaith, he'll be even with -'em for all this, ha, ha, ha---- - -_Lis._ What's the matter? what does the fool laugh at? - -_Col._ We an't in our house now, _Lisetta_, we're in an inn: ha, ha! - -_Lis._ How in an inn? - -_Col._ Yes, in an inn, my measter has gotten an old rusty sword, and -hung it up at our geat, and writ underneath with a piece of charcoal -with his own fair hand, _At the_ Sword Royal; _entertainment for man -and horse_: ha, ha---- - -_Lis._ What whim is this? - -_Col._ Thou, and I, live at the _Sword Royal_, ha, ha-- - -_Lis._ I'll go tell my mistress of her father's extravagance. - - [_Exit ~Lisetta~._ - - -+SCENE+ VII. - - _Enter Mr. ~Barnard~ and ~Griffard~._ - -Mr. _Barn._ Ha, ha! yes I think this will do. Sirrah, _Colin_, you may -now let in all the world; the more the better. - -_Colin._ Yes, Sir----Ods-flesh! we shall break all the inns in the -country----For we have a brave handsome landlady, and a curious young -lass to her daughter----O, here comes my young measter----We'll make -him chamberlain----ha, ha---- - - _Enter ~Dorant~._ - -Mr. _Barn._ What's the matter, son? How comes it that you are all -alone? You used to do me the favour to bring some of your friends along -with ye. - -_Dor._ Sir, there are some of 'em coming; I only rid before, to beg you -to give them a favourable reception. - -Mr. _Barn._ Ay why not? it is both for your honour and mine; you shall -be master. - -_Dor._ Sir, we have now an opportunity of making all the gentlemen in -the country our friends. - -Mr _Barn._ I'm glad on't with all my heart; pray how so? - -_Dor._ There's an old quarrel to be made up between two families, and -all the company are to meet at our house. - -Mr. _Barn._ Ay, with all my heart; but pray, what is the quarrel? - -_Dor._ O, Sir, a very ancient quarrel; It happened between their great -grandfathers about a duck. - -Mr. _Barn._ A quarrel of consequence truly. - -_Dor._ And 'twill be a great honour to us, if this shou'd be -accommodated at our house. - -Mr. _Barn._ Without doubt. - -_Dor._ Dear Sir, you astonish me with this goodness; how shall I -express this obligation? I was afraid, Sir, you would not like it. - -Mr. _Barn._ Why so? - -_Dor._ I thought, Sir, you did not care for the expence. - -Mr. _Barn._ O Lord, I am the most alter'd man in the world from what I -was, I'm quite another thing, mun; but how many are there of 'em? - -_Dor._ Not above nine or ten of a side, Sir. - -Mr. _Barn._ O, we shall dispose of them easily enough. - -_Dor._ Some of 'em will be here present'y, the rest I don't expect -'till to-morrow morning. - -Mr. _Barn._ I hope they're good companions, jolly fellows, that love to -eat and drink well. - -_Dor._ The merriest, best-natur'd creatures in the world, Sir. - -Mr. _Barn._ I'm very glad on't, for 'tis such men I want. Come, -brother, you and I will go and prepare for their reception. - - [_Exeunt Mr. ~Barnard~ and his brother._ - -_Dor._ Bless me, what an alteration is here! How my father's temper is -chang'd within these two or three days! Do you know the meaning of it? - -_Col._ Why the meaning on't is, ha, ha---- - -_Dor._ Can you tell me the cause of this sudden change, I say? - -_Col._ Why the cause on't is, ha, ha.---- - -_Dor._ What do you laugh at, sirrah? do you know? - -_Col._ Ha----because the old gentleman's a drole, that's all. - -_Dor._ Sirrah, if I take the cudgel---- - -_Col._ Nay, Sir, don't be angry for a little harmless mirth----But here -are your friends. - - -+SCENE+ VIII. - - _Enter three gentlemen._ - -_Dor._ Gentlemen you are welcome to _Pasty-Hall_; see that these -gentlemens horses are taken care of. - -_1 Gen._ A very fine dwelling this. - -_Dor._ Yes, the house is tolerable. - -_2 Gen._ And a very fine lordship belongs to it. - -_Dor._ The land is good. - -_3 Gen._ This house ought to have been mine, for my grandfather sold it -to his father, from whom your father purchased it. - -_Dor._ Yes, the house has gone thro' a great many hands. - -_1 Gen._ A sign there has always been good house-keeping in it. - -_Dor._ And I hope there ever will. - - _Enter Mr. ~Barnard~, and ~Griffard~, drest like drawers._ - -Mr. _Barn._ Gentlemen, do you call? will you please to see a room, -gentlemen? somebody take off the gentlemens boots there? - -_Dor._ Father! uncle! what is the meaning of this? - -Mr. _Barn._ Here, shew a room----or will you please to walk into the -kitchen first, gentlemen, and see what you like for dinner. - -_1 Gen._ Make no preparations, Sir, your own dinner is sufficient. - -Mr. _Barn._ Very well, I understand ye; let's see, how many are there -of ye? [_Tells 'em._] One, two, three, four: well, gentlemen, 'tis -but half a crown a-piece for yourselves, and sixpence a-head for your -servants; your dinner shall be ready in half an hour; here, shew the -gentlemen into the _Apollo_. - -_2 Gen._ What, Sir, does your father keep an inn? - -Mr. _Barn._ The _Sword Royal_; at your service, Sir. - -_Dor._ But father let me speak to you; would you disgrace me? - -Mr. _Barn._ My wine is very good, gentlemen, but to be very plain with -ye, it is dear. - -_Dor._ O, I shall run distracted. - -Mr. _Barn._ You seem not to like my house, gentlemen; you may try all -the inns in the county, and not be better entertained; but I own my -bills run high. - -_Dor._ Gentlemen, let me beg the favour of ye. - -_1 Gen._ Ay, my young _'Squire ~of the~ Sword Royal'_, you shall -receive some favours from us. - -_Dor._ Dear Monsieur _le Guarantiere_. - -_1 Gen._ Here, my horse there. - -_Dor._ Monsieur _la Rose_. - -_2 Gen._ Damn ye, ye prig. - -_Dor._ Monsieur _Trofignac_. - -_3 Gen._ Go to the devil. - - [_Exeunt Gentlemen._ - -_Dor._ O, I'm disgrac'd for ever. - -Mr. _Barn._ Now, son, this will teach you how to live. - -_Dor._ Your son? I deny the kindred; I'm the son of a whore, and I'll -burn your house about your ears, you old rogue you. - - [_Exit._ - -Mr. _Barn._ Ha, ha---- - -_Griff._ The young gentleman's in a passion. - -Mr. _Barn._ They're all gone for all that, and the _Sword Royal_'s the -best general in Christendom. - - _Enter ~Erastus~'s servant, talking with ~Lisetta~._ - -_Lis._ What, that tall gentleman I saw in the garden with ye? - -_Serv._ The same, he's my master's uncle, and ranger of the king's -forests----He intends to leave my master all he has. - -Mr. _Barn._ Don't I know this scoundrel? What, is his master here? What -do you do here, rascal? - -_Serv._ I was asking which must be my master's chamber. - -Mr. _Barn._ Where is your master? - -_Serv._ Above stairs with your wife and daughter; and I want to know -where he's to lie that I may put up his things. - -Mr. _Barn._ Do you so, rascal? - -_Serv._ A very handsome inn this--Here, drawer, fetch me a pint of wine. - -Mr. _Barn._ Take that, rascal, do you banter us? - - [_Kicks him out._ - - _Enter Mrs. ~Barnard~._ - -Mrs. _Barn._ What is the meaning of this, husband? Are not you asham'd -to turn your house into an inn----and is this a dress for my spouse, -and a man of your character? - -Mr. _Barn._ I'd rather wear this dress than be ruin'd. - -Mrs. _Barn._ You're nearer being so than you imagine: for there are -some persons within, who have it in their power to punish you for your -ridiculous folly. - - _Enter ~Erastus~, leading in ~Mariamne~._ - -Mr. _Barn._ How, Sir, what means this? who sent you here? - -_Er._ It was the luckiest star in your firmament that sent me here. - -Mr. _Barn._ Then I doubt, at my birth, the planets were but in a scurvy -disposition. - -_Er._ Killing one of the king's stags, that run hither for refuge, -is enough to overturn a fortune much better established than -yours----However, Sir, if you will consent to give me your daughter, -for her sake I will bear you harmless. - -Mr. _Barn._ No, Sir, no man shall have my daughter, that won't take my -house too. - -_Er._ Sir, I will take your house; pay you the full value of it, and -you shall remain as much master of it as ever. - -Mr. _Barn._ No, Sir, that won't do neither; you must be master -yourself, and from this minute begin to do the honours of it in your -own person. - -_Er._ Sir, I readily consent. - -Mr. _Barn._ Upon that condition, and in order to get rid of my house, -here, take my daughter----And now, Sir, if you think you've a hard -bargain, I don't care if I toss you in my wife to make you amends. - - _Well then, since all things thus are fairly sped, - My ~Son~ in anger, and my ~Daughter~ wed; - My ~House~ dispos'd of, the sole cause of strife, } - I now may hope to lead a happy life, } - If I can part with my ~Engaging Wife~._ } - -[Illustration] - - - - -A - -=Journey= to =London=. - -Being Part of a - -COMEDY. - - - Written by - - Sir =John Vanbrugh=. - -[Illustration] - - - - -Dramatis Personæ. - - -MEN. - - Sir _Francis Headpiece_, a country gentleman. - - Lord _Loverule_. - - Sir _Charles_. - - Uncle _Richard_, uncle to Sir _Francis_. - - Squire _Humphry_, son to Sir _Francis_. - - Colonel _Courtly_. - - _John Moody_, servant to Sir _Francis_. - - _James_, servant to uncle _Richard_. - - -WOMEN. - - Lady _Headpiece_. - - Miss _Betty_, her daughter. - - Lady _Arabella_, wife to Lord _Loverule_. - - _Clarinda_, a young unmarried lady. - - Mrs. _Motherly_, one that lets lodgings. - - _Martilla_, her niece. - - A - - =Journey= _to_ =London=. - - - - -+ACT+ I. +SCENE+ I. - - +SCENE+ _Uncle_ Richard's _House_. - - - _Uncle ~Richard~ solus._ - -What prudent cares does this deep foreseeing nation take, for the -support of its worshipful families! In order to which, and that they -may not fail to be always significant and useful in their country, it -is a settled foundation-point that every child that is born shall be a -beggar----except one; and that he----shall be a fool----My grandfather -was bred a fool, as the country report: my father was a fool,----as -my mother used to say; my brother was a fool, to my own knowledge, -though a great justice of the peace; and he has left a son, that will -make his son a fool, or I am mistaken. The lad is now fourteen years -old, and but just out of his Psalter. As to his honour'd father, my -much esteem'd nephew, here I have him. [_Shewing a letter._] In this -proprofound epistle (which I have just now received) there is the top -and bottom of him. Forty years and two is the age of him; in which it -is computed by his butler, his own person has drank two and thirty ton -of ale. The rest of his time has been employed in persecuting all the -poor four-legg'd creatures round, that wou'd but run away fast enough -from him, to give him the high-mettled pleasure of running after them. -In this noble employ he has broke his right arm, his left leg, and both -his collar-bones----Once he broke his neck, but that did him no harm: -A nimble hedge leaper, a brother of the stirrup that was by, whipt off -his horse and mended it. His estate being left him with two jointures, -and three weighty mortgages upon it, he to make all easy, and pay his -brother's and sister's portions, married a profuse young housewife for -love, with never a penny of money. Having done all this, like his brave -ancestors, for the support of the family, he now finds children and -interest money make such a bawling about his ears, that he has taken -the friendly advice of his neighbour, the good Lord _Courtlove_, to run -his estate two thousand pounds more in debt, that he may retrieve his -affairs by being a parliament-man, and bringing his wife to _London_, -to play off an hundred pounds at dice with ladies of quality, before -breakfast. - -But let me read this wiseacre's letter once over again. - - Most Honoured Uncle, - -_I do not doubt but you have much rejoiced at my success, in my -election; it has cost me some money, I own: but what of all that! I am -a parliament-man, and that will set all to rights. I have lived in the -country all my days, 'tis true; but what then! I have made speeches at -the sessions, and in the vestry too, and can elsewhere perhaps, as well -as some others that do; and I have a noble friend hard by, who has let -me into some small knowledge of what's what at ~Westminster~. And so -that I may always be at hand to serve my country, I have consulted with -my wife, about taking a house at ~London~, and bringing her and my -family up to town; which, her opinion is, will be the rightest thing in -the world._ - -My wife's opinion about bringing her to _London_! I'll read no more of -thee----Beast. - - [_Strikes the letter down with his stick._ - - _Enter ~James~ hastily._ - -_James._ Sir, Sir, do you hear the news? they are all a-coming. - -Unc. _Rich._ Ay, sirrah, I hear it with a pox to it. - -_James._ Sir, here's _John Moody_ arriv'd already; he's stumping about -the streets in his dirty boots, and asking every man he meets, if they -can tell where he may have a good lodging for a parliament-man, 'till -he can hire such a house as becomes him; he tells them his lady and all -the family are coming too, and that they are so nobly attended, they -care not a fig for any body. Sir, they have added two cart-horses to -the four old geldings, because my lady will have it said, she came to -town in her coach and six, and (ha, ha,) heavy _George_ the plowman -rides postillion. - -Unc. _Rich._ Very well; the journey begins as it shou'd do----_James_. - -_James._ Sir. - -Unc. _Rich._ Dost know whether they bring all the children with them? - -_James._ Only 'Squire _Humphry_, and Miss _Betty_, Sir; the other six -are put to board at half a crown a week a head, with _Joan Growse_, at -_Smoke-Dunghill_ farm. - -Unc. _Rich._ The Lord have mercy upon all good folks! what work will -these people make! dost know when they'll be here? - -_James._ _John_ says, Sir, they'd have been here last night, but that -the old wheezy-belly horse tir'd, and the two fore-wheels came crash -down at once in _Waggonrut_-lane. Sir, they were cruelly loaden, as I -understand; my lady herself, he says, laid on four mail trunks, besides -the great deal-box, which fat _Tom_ sat upon behind. - -Unc. _Rich._ Soh! - -_James._ Then within the coach there was Sir _Francis_, my Lady, and -the great fat lap-dog, 'Squire _Humphry_, Miss _Betty_, my Lady's maid -Mrs. Handy, and _Doll Tripe_ the cook; but she puked with sitting -backward, so they mounted her into the coach-box. - -Unc. _Rich._ Very well. - -_James._ Then, Sir, for fear of a famine, before they should get to the -baiting-place, there was such baskets of plumb-cake, Dutch-gingerbread, -Cheshire-cheese, Naples-biscuits, Macaroons, Neats-tongues, and cold -boil'd beef----and in case of sickness, such bottles of usquebaugh, -black cherry-brandy, cinamon-water, sack, tent, and strong beer, as -made the old coach crack again. - -Unc. _Rich._ Well said! - -_James._ And for defence of this good cheer, and my Lady's little pearl -necklace, there was the family basket-hilt sword, the great Turkish -cimiter, the old blunderbuss, a good bag of bullets, and a great horn -of gunpowder. - -Unc. _Rich._ Admirable! - -_James._ Then for band-boxes, they were so bepiled up to Sir -_Francis_'s nose, that he could only peep out at a chance hole with one -eye, as if he were viewing the country thro' a perspective glass. But, -Sir, if you please, I'll go look after _John Moody_ a little for fear -of accidents: For he never was in _London_ before, you know, but one -week, and then he was kidnapp'd into a house of ill repute, where he -exchang'd all his money and clothes for a----um. So I'll go look after -him, Sir. - - [_Exit._ - -Unc. _Rich._ Nay, I don't doubt but this wise expedition will be -attended with more adventures than one.----This noble head, and -supporter of his family, will, as an honest country gentleman, get -credit enough amongst the tradesmen, to run so far in debt in one -session, as will make him just fit for a gaol, when he's drop'd at -the next election. He will make his speeches in the house to shew the -government of what importance he can be to them, by which they will -see, he can be of no importance at all; and he will find in time, that -he stands valued at (if he votes right) being sometimes----invited to -dinner. Then his wife (who has ten times more of a jade about her than -he yet knows of) will so improve in this rich soil, she will, in one -month, learn every vice the finest lady in the town can teach her. She -will be extremely courteous to the fops who make love to her in jest, -and she will be extremely grateful to those who do it in earnest. She -will visit all ladies that will let her into their houses, and she -will run in debt to all the shopkeepers that will let her into their -books. In short, before her husband has got five pound by a speech at -_Westminster_, she will have lost five hundred at cards and dice in the -parish of _St. James_'s. Wife and family to _London_ with a pox! - - [_Going off._ - - _Enter ~James~ and ~John Moody~._ - -_James._ Dear _John Moody_, I'm so glad to see you in London once more. - -_John Moody._ And I you, my dear _James_: Give me a kiss----Why that's -friendly. - -_James._ I wish they had been so, _John_, that you met with when you -were here before. - -_John Moody._ Ah----Murrain upon all rogues and whores, I say: But I am -grown so cunning now, the de'el himself can't handle me. I have made a -notable bargain for these lodgings here, we are to pay but five pounds -a week, and have all the house to ourselves. - -_James._ Where are the people that belong to it to be then? - -_John Moody._ O! there's only the gentlewoman, her two maids, and a -cousin, a very pretty civil young woman truly, and the maids are the -merriest griggs---- - -_James._ Have a care, _John_. - -_John Moody._ O, fear nothing, we did so play together last night. - -_James._ Hush, here comes my master. - - _Enter Uncle ~Richard~._ - -Unc. _Rich._ What! _John_ has taken these lodgings, has he? - -_James._ Yes, Sir, he has taken 'em. - -Unc. _Rich._ Oh John! how dost do, honest John? I am glad to see thee -with all my heart. - -_John Moody._ I humbly thank your worship. I'm staut still, and a -faithful awd servant to th' family. Heaven prosper aw that belong to't. - -Unc. _Rich._ What, they are all upon the road? - -_John Moody._ As mony as the awd coach wou'd hauld, Sir: the Lord send -'em well to tawn. - -Unc. _Rich._ And well out on't again, John, ha! - -_John Moody._ Ah, Sir! you are a wise man, so am I: home's home, I say. -I wish we get any good here. I's sure we got little upo' the road. -Some mischief or other aw the day long. Slap goes one thing, crack -goes another; my Lady cries out for driving fast: The awd cattle are -for going slow; _Roger_ whips, they stand still and kick; nothing but -a sort of a contradiction aw the journey long. My Lady wou'd gladly -have been here last night, Sir, tho' there was no lodging got; but her -Ladyship said, she did naw care for that, she'd lie in the inn where -the horses stood, as long as it was in London. - -Unc. _Rich._ These ladies, these ladies, _John_---- - -_John Moody._ Ah, Sir, I have seen a little of 'em, tho' not so much as -my betters. Your worship is naw married yet? - -Unc. _Rich._ No, _John_ no; I am an old batchelor still. - -_John Moody._ Heav'ns bless you and preserve you, Sir. - -Unc. _Rich._ I think you have lost your good woman, John! - -_John Moody._ No, sir, that I have not; _Bridget_ sticks to me still, -Sir, she was for coming to _London_ too, but, no, says I, there may be -mischief enough done without you. - -Unc. _Rich._ Why that was bravely spoken, _John_, and like a man. - -_John Moody._ Sir, were my measter but haf the mon that I am, -Gadswookers----tho' he'll speak stautly too sometimes, but then he -canno hawd it; no, he canno hawd it. - - _Enter Maid._ - -_Maid._ Mr. _Moody_, Mr. _Moody_, here's the coach come. - -_John Moody._ Already? no, sure. - -_Maid._ Yes, yes, it's at the door, they are getting out; my mistress -is run to receive them. - -_John Moody._ And so will I as in duty bound. - - [_Exeunt ~John~ and maid._ - -Unc. _Rich._ And I will stay here, not being in duty bound to do the -honours of this house. - - _Enter Sir ~Francis~, Lady, 'Squire ~Humphry~, Mrs. ~Betty~, - Mrs. ~Handy~, ~Doll Tripe~, ~John Moody~, and - Mrs. ~Motherly~._ - -Lady _Head._ Do you hear, _Moody_, let all the things be first laid -down here, and then carried where they'll be used. - -_John Moody._ They shall, an't please your ladyship. - -Lady _Head._ What, my uncle _Richard_ here to receive us! this is kind -indeed: Sir, I am extremely glad to see you. - -Unc. _Rich._ Niece, your servant. [_Salutes her._] I am extremely sorry -to see you, in the worst place I know in the world for a good woman to -grow better in. Nephew, I am your servant too; but I don't know how to -bid you welcome. - -Sir _Fran._ I am sorry for that, Sir. - -Unc. _Rich._ Nay, 'tis for your own sake: I'm not concern'd. - -Sir _Fran._ I hope, uncle, I shall give you such weighty reasons for -what I've done, as shall convince you I'm a prudent man. - -Unc. _Rich._ That wilt thou never convince me of, whilst thou shalt -live. - - [_Aside._ - -Sir _Fran._ Here, _Humphry_, come up to your uncle----Sir, this is your -godson. - -Squire _Humph._ Honour'd uncle and godfather; I creave leave to ask -your blessing. - - [_Kneels._ - -Unc. _Rich._ Thou art a numbscull I see already. - - [Aside. - -There thou hast it. [_Puts his hand on his head._] And if it will do -thee any good, may it be, to make thee, at least, as wise a man as thy -father. - -Lady _Head._ Miss Betty, don't you see your uncle? - -Unc. _Rich._ And for thee, my dear, may'st thou be, at least, as good a -woman as thy mother. - -Miss _Betty._ I wish I may ever be so handsome, Sir. - -Unc. _Rich._ Ha! Miss Pert! now that's a thought that seems to have -been hatch'd in the girl on this side _Highgate_. - - [_Aside._ - -Sir _Fran._ Her tongue is a little nimble, Sir. - -Lady _Head._ That's only from her country education, Sir Francis, she -has been kept there too long; I therefore brought her to _London_, Sir, -to learn more reserve and modesty. - -Unc. _Rich._ O! the best place in the world for it. Every woman she -meets, will teach her something of it. There's the good gentlewoman of -the house, looks like a knowing person, ev'n she perhaps will be so -good to read her a lesson, now and then, upon that subject. An arrant -bawd, or I have no skill in physiognomy. - - [_Aside._ - -Mrs. _Moth._ Alas, Sir, Miss won't stand long in need of my poor -instructions; if she does, they'll be always at her service. - -Lady _Head._ Very obliging, indeed, Mrs. _Motherly_. - -Sir _Fran._ Very kind and civil truly; I believe we are got into a -mighty good house here. - -Unc. _Rich._ For good business, very probable. - - [_Aside._ - -Well, niece, your servant for to-night; you have a great deal of -affairs upon your hands here, so I won't hinder you. - -Lady _Head._ I believe, Sir, I shan't have much less every day, while I -stay in this town, of one sort or other. - -Unc. _Rich._ Why, 'tis a town of much action indeed. - -Miss _Betty._ And my mother did not come to it to be idle, Sir. - -Unc. _Rich._ Nor you neither, I dare say, young mistress. - -Miss _Betty._ I hope not, Sir. - -Unc. _Rich._ Um! Miss Mettle. - - [_Going, Sir Francis following him._ - -Where are you going, nephew? - -Sir _Fran._ Only to attend you to the door, Sir. - -Unc. _Rich._ Phu! no ceremony with me; you'll find I shall use none -with you, or your family. - - [_Exit._ - -Sir _Fran._ I must do as you command me, Sir. - -Miss _Petty._ This uncle _Richard_, papa, seems but a crusty sort of an -old fellow. - -Sir _Fran._ He is a little odd, child, but you must be very civil to -him, for he has a great deal of money, and nobody knows who he may give -it to. - -Lady _Head._ Phu, a fig for his money; you have so many projects -of late about money, since you are a parliament man, we must make -ourselves slaves to his testy humours, seven years, perhaps, in hopes -to be his heirs; and then, he'll be just old enough to marry his maid. -But pray let us take care of our things here: Are they all brought in -yet? - -Mrs. _Han._ Almost, my lady, there are only some of the band-boxes -behind, and a few odd things. - -Lady _Head._ Let 'em be fetcht in presently. - -Mrs. _Han._ They are here; come bring the things in: Is there all yet? - -_Serv._ All but the great basket of apples and the goose-pye. - - _Enter ~Cookmaid~._ - -_Cook._ Ah my Lady! we're aw undone, the goose-pye's gwon. - -_All._ Gone? - -Sir _Fran._ The goose-pye gone? how? - -_Cook._ Why, Sir, I had got it fast under my arm to bring it in, but -being almost dark, up comes two of these thin starv'd _London_ rogues, -one gives me a great kick o' the----here; [_Laying her hand upon her -backside._] while t'other hungry varlet twitch'd the dear pye out -of my hands, and away they run dawn street like two grayhounds. I -cry'd out fire! but heavy _George_ and fat _Tom_ are after 'em with a -vengeance; they'll sauce their jackets for 'em, I'll warrant 'em. - - _Enter ~George~ with a bloody face, and ~Tom~._ - -So, have you catch'd 'em? - -_Geo._ Catch'd 'em! the gallows catch 'em for me. I had naw run half -the length of our beam, before somewhat fetch me such a wherry across -the shins, that dawn came I flop o' my face all along in the channel, -and thought I shou'd ne'er ha gotten up again; but _Tom_ has skawar'd -after them, and cried murder as he'd been stuck. - -_Tom._ Yes, and straight upo' that, swap comes somewhat across my -forehead, with such a force, that dawn came I like an ox. - -Squire _Humph._ So, the poor pye's quite gone then. - -_Tom._ Gone, young measter, yeaten, I believe by this time. These, I -suppose, are what they call sharpers in this country. - -Squire _Humph._ It was a rare good pye. - -_Cook._ As e'er these hands put pepper to. - -Lady _Head._ Pray, Mrs. _Motherly_, do they make a practice of these -things often here? - -Mrs. _Moth._ Madam, they'll twitch a rump of beef out of a boiling -copper: and for a silver tankard, they make no more conscience of than -if it were a _Tunbridge_ sugar box. - -Sir _Fran._ I wish the coach and horses, _George_, were safe got to the -inn. Do you and _Roger_ take special care that nobody runs away with -them, as you go thither. - -_Geo._ I believe, Sir, our cattle won't yeasily be run away with -to-night; but wee'st take best care we con of them, poor sauls! - - [_Exit._ - -Sir _Fran._ Do so, pray now. - -Squire _Humph._ Feather, I had rather they had run away with heavy -_George_ than the goose-pye; a slice of it before supper to-night would -have been pure. - -Lady _Head._ This boy is always thinking of his belly. - -Sir _Fran._ But, my dear, you may allow him to be a little hungry after -a journey. - -Lady _Head._ Pray, good Sir _Francis_, he has been constantly eating in -the coach, and out of the coach, above seven hours this day. I wish my -poor girl could eat a quarter as much. - -Miss _Betty._ Mama, I could eat a good deal more than I do, but then I -should grow fat mayhap, like him, and spoil my shape. - -Lady _Head._ Mrs. _Motherly_ will you be so kind to tell them where -they shall carry the things. - -Mrs. _Moth._ Madam I'll do the best I can: I doubt our closets will -scarce hold 'em all, but we have garrets and cellars, which, with the -help of hiring a store-room, I hope may do. Sir, will you be so good to -help my maids a little in carrying away the things. - - [_To ~Tom~._ - -_Tom._ With all my heart, forsooth, if I con but see my way; but these -whoresons have awmost knockt my eyen awt. - - [_They carry off the things._ - -Mrs. _Moth._ Will your ladyship please to refresh yourself with a dish -of tea, after your fatigue? I think I have pretty good. - -Lady _Head._ If you please, Mrs. _Motherly_. - -Squire _Humph._ Would not a good tankard of strong beer, nutmeg and -sugar, do better, feather, with a toast and some cheese? - -Sir _Fran._ I think it would, son: Here, _John Moody_, get us a tankard -of good heavy stuff presently. - -_John Moody._ Sir, here's _Norfolk Nog_ to be had next door. - -Squire _Humph._ That's best of all, feather; but make haste with it, -_John_. - - [_Exit ~Moody~._ - -Lady _Head._ Well, I wonder, Sir _Francis_, you will encourage that lad -to swill his guts thus with such beastly lubberly liquor; if it were -_Burgundy_ or _Champain_, something might be said for't; they'd perhaps -give him some wit and spirit; but such heavy, muddy stuff as this, will -make him quite stupid. - -Sir _Fran._ Why you know, my dear, I have drank good ale, and strong -beer these thirty years, and by your permission I don't know, that I -want wit. - -_Miss Betty._ But I think you might have more papa, if you'd have been -govern'd by my mother. - - _Enter ~John Moody~ with a tankard._ - -Sir _Fran._ Daughter, he that is govern'd by his wife, has no wit at -all. - -Miss _Betty._ Then I hope I shall marry a fool, father, for I shall -love to govern dearly. - -Sir _Fran._ Here, _Humphry_, here's to thee. - - [_Drinks._ - -You are too pert, child it don't do well in a young woman. - -Lady _Head._ Pray, Sir _Francis_, don't snub her; she has a fine -growing spirit, and if you check her so, you'll make her as dull as her -brother there. - -Squire _Humph._ Indeed Mother, I think my sister is too forward. - - [_After drinking a long draught._ - -Miss _Betty._ You? you think I'm too forward? what have you to do to -think, brother Heavy? you are too fat to think of any thing but your -belly. - -Lady _Head._ Well said, Miss; he's none of your master, tho' he's your -elder brother. - - _Enter ~George~._ - -_Geo._ Sir, I have no good opinion of this tawn, it's made up of -mischief, I think. - -Sir _Fran._ Why, what's the matter now? - -_Geo._ I'se tell your worship; before we were gotten to the street-end, -a great lugger-headed cart, with wheels as thick as a good brick -wall, layd hawld of the coach, and has pood it aw to bits: an this be -_London_, wo'd we were all weel i' th' country again. - -Miss _Betty._ What have you to do, Sir, to wish us all in the country -again, lubber? I hope we shan't go into the country again these seven -years, Mama, let twenty coaches be pull'd to pieces. - -Sir _Fran._ Hold your tongue, _Betty_. Was _Roger_ in no fault of this? - -_Geo._ No, Sir, nor I neither. Are you not asham'd, says _Roger_ to -the carter, to do such an unkind thing to strangers? No, says he, you -bumkin. Sir, he did the thing on very purpose, and so the folks said -that stood by; but they said your worship need na be concerned, for you -might have a law-suit with him when you pleas'd, that wou'd not cost -you above a hundred pounds, and mayhap you might get the better of him. - -Sir _Fran._ I'll try what I can do with him, I'gad, I'll make such---- - -Squire _Humph._ Feather, have him before the parliament. - -Sir _Fran._ And so I will: I'll make him know who I am. Where does he -live? - -_Geo._ I believe in _London_, Sir. - -Sir _Fran._ What's the villain's name? - -_Geo._ I think I heard somebody call him _Dick_. - -Sir _Fran._ Where did he go? - -_Geo._ Sir, he went home. - -Sir _Fran._ Where's that? - -_Geo._ By my troth I do naw knaw. I heard him say he had nothing more -to do with us to-night, and so he'd go home and smoke a pipe. - -Lady _Head._ Come, Sir _Francis_, don't put yourself in a heat; -accidents will happen to people in travelling abroad to see the world. -Eat your supper heartily, go to bed, sleep quietly, and to-morrow -see if you can buy a handsome second-hand coach for the present use, -bespeak a new one, and then all's easy. - - [_Exeunt._ - - _Enter Colonel ~Courtly~._ - -_Col._ Who's that, _Deborah_? - -_Deb._ At your service, Sir. - -_Col._ What, do you keep open house here? I found the street door as -wide as it could gape. - -_Deb._ Sir, we are all in a bustle, we have lodgers come to-night, the -house full. - -_Col._ Where's your mistress? - -_Deb._ Prodigious busy with her company, but I'll tell Mrs. _Martilla_ -you are here, I believe she'll come to you. - - [_Exit._ - -_Col._ That will do as well. Poor _Martilla_! she's a very good girl, -and I have lov'd her a great while. I think six months it is, since -like a merciless highwayman, I made her deliver all she had about her; -she begg'd hard, poor thing, I'd leave her one small bauble. Had I let -her keep it, I believe she had still kept me. Cou'd women but refuse -their ravenous lovers that one dear destructive moment, how long might -they reign over them! But for a bane to both their joys and ours, when -they have indulg'd us with such favours as make us adore them, they are -not able to refuse us that one, which puts an end to our devotion. - - _Enter ~Martilla~._ - -_Col._ _Martilla_, how dost thou do, my child? - -_Mart._ As well as a losing gamester can. - -_Col._ Why, what have you lost? - -_Mart._ I have lost you. - -_Col._ How came you to lose me? - -_Mart._ By losing myself. - -_Col._ We can be friends still. - -_Mart._ Dull ones. - -_Col._ Useful ones, perhaps. Shall I help thee to a good husband? - -_Mart._ Not if I were rich enough to live without one. - -_Col._ I'm sorry I'm not rich enough to make thee so; but we won't talk -of melancholy things. Who are these folks your aunt has got in her -house? - -_Mart._ One Sir _Francis Headpiece_ and his Lady, with a son and -daughter. - -_Col._ _Headpiece_! Cotso, I know 'em a little. I met with 'em at a -race in the country two years since; a sort of blockhead, is not he? - -_Mart._ So they say. - -_Col._ His wife seem'd a mettlesome gentlewoman, if she had but a fair -field to range in. - -_Mart._ That she won't want now, for they stay in town the whole winter. - -_Col._ Oh that will do to shew all her parts in. - - _Enter Mrs. ~Motherly~._ - -How do you do, my old acquaintance? - -Mrs. _Moth._ At your service, you know, always colonel. - -_Col._ I hear you have got good company in the house. - -Mrs. _Moth._ I hope it will prove so; he's a parliament man only, -colonel, you know there's some danger in that. - -_Col._ O, never fear, he'll pay his landlady, tho' he don't pay his -butcher. - -Mrs. _Moth._ His wife's a clever woman. - -_Col._ So she is. - -Mrs. _Moth._ How do you know? - -_Col._ I have seen her in the country, and begin to think I'll visit -her in town. - -Mrs. _Moth._ You begin to look like a rogue. - -_Col._ What, your wicked fancies are stirring already? - -Mrs. _Moth._ Yours are, or I'm mistaken. But I'll have none of your -pranks play'd upon her. - -_Col._ Why, she's no girl, she can defend herself. - -Mrs. _Moth._ But what if she won't? - -_Col._ Why then she can blame neither you nor me. - -Mrs. _Moth._ You'll never be quiet till you get my windows broke; but I -must go and attend my lodgers, so good night. - -_Col._ Do so, and give my service to my lady, and tell her, if she'll -give me leave, I'll do myself the honour to-morrow to come and tender -my services to her, as long as she stays in town. If it ben't too long. - - [_Aside._ - -Mrs. _Moth._ I'll tell her what a devil you are, and advise her to take -care of you. - - [_Exit._ - -_Col._ Do, that will make her every time she sees me think what I'd be -at. Dear _Martilla_, good night; I know you won't be my hindrance; I'll -do you as good a turn some time or other. Well, I'm so glad, you don't -love me too much. - -_Mart._ When that's our fate, as too, too oft we prove, How bitterly we -pay the past delights of love. - - - - -+ACT+ II. +SCENE+ I. - - _Lord_ Loverule's _House_. - - - _Enter Lord ~Loverule~, and Lady ~Arabella~. He - following her._ - -Lady _Ara._ Well, look you, my Lord, I can bear it no longer; nothing -still but about my faults, my faults! an agreeable subject truly! - -Lord _Love._ But, Madam, if you won't hear of your faults, how is it -likely you shou'd ever mend 'em? - -Lady _Ara._ Why I don't intend to mend 'em. I can't mend 'em, I have -told you so an hundred times; you know I have try'd to do it, over and -over, and it hurts me so, I can't bear it. Why, don't you know, my -Lord, that whenever (just to please you only) I have gone about to wean -myself from a fault (one of my faults I mean that I love dearly) han't -it put me so out of humour, you cou'd scarce endure the house with me? - -Lord _Love._ Look you, my dear, it is very true, that in weaning one's -self from---- - -Lady _Ara._ Weaning! why ay, don't you see, that even in weaning poor -children from the nurse, it's almost the death of 'em? and don't you -see your true religious people when they go about to wean themselves, -and have solemn days of fasting and praying, on purpose to help them, -does it not so disorder them, there's no coming near 'em? are they not -as cross as the devil? and then they don't do the business neither; for -next day their faults are just where they were the day before. - -Lord _Love._ But, Madam, can you think it a reasonable thing to be -abroad till two o'clock in the morning, when you know I go to bed at -eleven? - -Lady _Ara._ And can you think it a wise thing (to talk your own way -now) to go to bed at eleven, when you know I am likely to disturb you -by coming there at three? - -Lord _Love._ Well, the manner of womens living of late is -insupportable, and some way or other---- - -Lady _Ara._ It's to be mended, I suppose--Pray, my Lord, one word -of fair argument: You complain of my late hours; I of your early -ones; so far we are even, you'll allow; but which gives us the best -figure in the eye of the polite world? my two o'clock speaks life, -activity, spirit, and vigour; your eleven has a dull, drowsy, stupid, -good-for-nothing sound with it. It favours much of a mechanic, who must -get to bed betimes, that he may rise early to open his shop. Faugh! - -Lord _Love._ I thought to go to bed early and rise so, was ever -esteem'd a right practice for all people. - -Lady _Ara._ Beasts do it. - -Lord _Love._ Fy, fy, Madam, fy; but 'tis not your ill hours alone -disturb me; but the ill company who occasion those ill hours. - -Lady _Ara._ And pray what ill company may those be? - -Lord _Love._ Why, women that lose their money, and men that win it: -especially when 'tis to be paid out of their husband's estate; or -if that fail, and the creditor be a little pressing, the lady will, -perhaps, be oblig'd to try if the gentleman instead of gold will accept -of a trinket. - -Lady _Ara._ My Lord, you grow scurrilous, and you'll make me hate you. -I'll have you to know, I keep company with the politest people in the -town, and the assemblies I frequent are full of such. - -Lord _Love._ So are the churches now and then. - -Lady _Ara._ My friends frequent them often, as well as the assemblies. - -Lord _Love._ They wou'd do it oftener if a groom of the chamber there -were allow'd to furnish cards and dice to the company. - -Lady _Ara._ You'd make a woman mad. - -Lord _Love._ You'd make a man a fool. - -Lady _Ara._ If Heav'n has made you otherwise, that won't be in my power. - -Lord _Love._ I'll try if I can prevent your making me a beggar at least. - -Lady _Ara._ A beggar! Crœsus! I'm out of patience--I won't come home -'till four to-morrow morning. - -Lord _Love._ I'll order the doors to be lock'd at twelve. - -Lady _Ara._ Then I won't come home till to-morrow night. - -Lord _Love._ Then you shall never come home again, Madam. - - [_Exit._ - -Lady _Ara._ There he has knock'd me down: my father upon our marriage -said, wives were come to that pass, he did not think it fit they shou'd -be trusted with pin money, and so would not let this man settle one -penny upon his poor wife, to serve her at a dead lift for separate -maintenance. - - _Enter ~Clarinda~._ - -_Clar._ Good-morrow, Madam; how do you do to-day? you seem to be in a -little fluster. - -Lady _Ara._ My Lord has been in one, and as I am the most complaisant -poor creature in the world, I put myself into one too, purely to be -suitable company to him. - -_Clar._ You are prodigious good; but surely it must be mighty -agreeable when a man and his wife can give themselves the same turn of -conversation. - -Lady _Ara._ O, the prettiest thing in the world. - -_Clar._ But yet, tho' I believe there's no life so happy as a marry'd -one, in the main; yet I fancy, where two people are so very much -together, they must often be in want of something to talk upon. - -Lady _Ara._ _Clarinda_, you are the most mistaken in the world; married -people have things to talk of, child, that never enter into the -imagination of others. Why now, here's my Lord and I, we han't been -married above two short years you know, and we have already eight or -ten things constantly in bank, that whenever we want company we can -talk of any of them for two hours together, and the subject never the -flatter. It will be as fresh next day, if we have occasion for it, as -it was the first day it entertained us. - -_Clar._ Why that must be wonderful pretty. - -Lady _Ara._ O there's no life like it. This very day now for example, -my Lord and I, after a pretty cheerful _tête à tête_ dinner, sat down -by the fire-side, in an idle, indolent, pick-tooth way for a while, -as if we had not thought of one another's being in the room. At last, -stretching himself, and yawning twice, my dear, says he, you came home -very late last night. 'Twas but two in the morning, says I. I was in -bed (_yawning_) by eleven, says he. So you are every night, says I. -Well, says he, I'm amazed how you can sit up so late. How can you be -amazed, says I, at a thing that happens so often? Upon which we enter'd -into conversation. And tho' this is a point has entertain'd us above -fifty times already, we always find so many pretty new things to say -upon't, that I believe in my soul it will last as long as we live. - -_Clar._ But in such sort of family dialogues, tho' extremely well for -passing of time, don't there now and then enter some little sort of -bitterness? - -Lady _Ara._ O yes; which don't do amiss at all; a little something -that's sharp, moderates the extreme sweetness of matrimonial society, -which would else perhaps be cloying. Tho' to tell you the truth, -_Clarinda_, I think we squeezed a little too much lemon into it this -bout; for it grew so sour at last, that I think I almost told him he -was a fool; and he talkt something oddly of turning me out of doors. - -_Clar._ O, but have a care of that. - -Lady _Ara._ Why, to be serious, _Clarinda_, what wou'd you have a woman -do in my case? There is no one thing he can do in the world to please -me----Except giving me money; and that he is grown weary of; and I at -the same time, partly by nature, and partly perhaps by keeping the -best company, do with my soul love almost every thing that he hates; I -dote upon assemblies, adore masquerades, my heart bounds at a ball; I -love a play to distraction, cards inchant me, and dice--put me out of -my little wits--Dear, dear hazard, what music there is in the rattle -of the dice, compared to a sleepy opera! Do you ever play at hazard, -_Clarinda_? - -_Clar._ Never; I don't think it fits well upon women; it's very -masculine, and has too much of a rake; you see how it makes the men -swear and curse. Sure it must incline the women to do the same too if -they durst give way to it. - -Lady _Ara._ So it does; but hitherto for a little decency, we keep it -in; and when in spite of our teeth, an oath gets into our mouths, we -swallow it. - -_Clar._ That's enough to burst you; but in time perhaps you'll let 'em -fly as they do. - -Lady _Ara._ Why, 'tis probable we may, for the pleasure of all polite -womens lives now, you know, is founded upon entire liberty to do what -they will. But shall I tell you what happened t'other night? having -lost all my money but ten melancholy guineas, and throwing out for -them, what do you think slipt from me? - -_Clar._ An oath? - -Lady _Ara._ Gud soons! - -_Clar._ O Lord! O Lord! did not it frighten you out of your wits? - -Lady _Ara._ _Clarinda_, I thought a gun had gone off.--But I forget you -are a prude, and design to live soberly. - -_Clar._ Why 'tis true; both my nature and education, do in a good -degree incline me that way. - -Lady _Ara._ Well, surely to be sober is to be terribly dull. You will -marry; won't you? - -_Clar._ I can't tell but I may. - -Lady _Ara._ And you'll live in town? - -_Clar._ Half the year, I should like it very well. - -Lady _Ara._ And you wou'd live in _London_ half a year, to be sober in -it? - -_Clar._ Yes. - -Lady _Ara._ Why can't you as well go and be sober in the country? - -_Clar._ So I wou'd the other half year. - -Lady _Ara._ And pray what pretty scheme of life wou'd you form now, for -your summer and winter sober entertainments? - -_Clar._ A scheme that I think might very well content us. - -Lady _Ara._ Let's hear it. - -_Clar._ I cou'd in summer pass my time very agreeably, in riding -soberly, in walking soberly, in sitting under a tree soberly, in -gardening soberly, in reading soberly, in hearing a little music -soberly, in conversing with some agreeable friends soberly, in working -soberly, in managing my family and children (if I had any) soberly, and -possibly by these means I might induce my husband to be as sober as -myself. - -Lady _Ara._ Well, _Clarinda_, thou art a most contemptible creature. -But let's have the sober town scheme too, for I am charm'd with the -country one. - -_Clar._ You shall, and I'll try to stick to my sobriety there too. - -Lady _Ara._ If you do, you'll make me sick of you. But let's hear it -however. - -_Clar._ I wou'd entertain myself in observing the new fashion soberly, -I wou'd please myself in new clothes soberly, I wou'd divert myself -with agreeable friends at home and abroad soberly. I wou'd play at -quadrille soberly, I wou'd go to court soberly, I wou'd go to some -plays soberly, I wou'd go to operas soberly, and I think I cou'd go -once, or, if I lik'd my company, twice to a masquerade, soberly. - -Lady _Ara._ If it had not been for that last piece of sobriety, I was -going to call for some surfeit-water. - -_Clar._ Why, don't you think, that with the further aid of -breakfasting, dining, supping and sleeping (not to say a word of -devotion) the four and twenty hours might roll over in a tolerable -manner? - -Lady _Ara._ How I detest that word, Tolerable! And so will a country -relation of ours that's newly come to town, or I'm mistaken. - -_Clar._ Who is that? - -Lady _Ara._ Even my dear Lady _Headpiece_. - -_Clar._ Is she come? - -Lady _Ara._ Yes, her sort of a tolerable husband has gotten to be -chosen parliament-man at some simple town or other, upon which she has -persuaded him to bring her and her folks up to _London_. - -_Clar._ That's good; I think she was never here before. - -Lady _Ara._ Not since she was nine years old; but she has had an -outrageous mind to it ever since she was marry'd. - -_Clar._ Then she'll make the most of it, I suppose, now she is come. - -Lady _Ara._ Depend upon that. - -_Clar._ We must go and visit her. - -Lady _Ara._ By all means; and may be you'll have a mind to offer her -your tolerable scheme for her _London_ diversion this winter; if you -do, mistress, I'll shew her mine too, and you'll see she'll so despise -you and adore me, that if I do but chirrup to her, she'll hop after me -like a tame sparrow, the town round. But there's your admirer I see -coming in, I'll oblige him and leave you to receive part of his visit, -while I step up to write a letter. Besides, to tell you the truth, I -don't like him half so well as I used to do; he falls off of late from -being the company he was, in our way. In short, I think he's growing to -be a little like my lord. - - [_Exit._ - - _Enter Sir ~Charles~._ - -Sir _Charles_. Madam, your servant; they told me Lady _Arabella_ was -here. - -_Clar._ She's only stept up to write a letter, she'll come down -presently. - -Sir _Charles_. Why, does she write letters? I thought she had never -time for't: pray how may she have dispos'd of the rest of the day? - -_Clar._ A good deal as usual; she has visits to make 'till six; she's -then engag'd to the play, from that 'till court-time, she's to be at -cards at Mrs. _Idle_'s; after the drawing-room, she takes a short -supper with Lady _Hazard_, and from thence they go together to the -assembly. - -Sir _Charles_. And are you to do all this with her? - -_Clar._ The visits and the play, no more. - -Sir _Charles_. And how can you forbear all the rest? - -_Clar._ 'Tis easy to forbear, what we are not very fond of. - -Sir _Charles_. I han't found it so. I have past much of my life in this -hurry of the ladies, yet was never so pleas'd as when I was at quiet -without 'em. - -_Clar._ What then induc'd you to be with 'em? - -Sir _Charles_. Idleness and the fashion. - -_Clar._ No mistresses in the case? - -Sir _Charles_. To speak honestly, yes. When one is in a toyshop, there -was no forbearing the baubles; so I was perpetually engaging with some -coquet or other, whom I cou'd love perhaps just enough to put it into -her power to plague me. - -_Clar._ Which power I suppose she sometimes made use of. - -Sir _Charles_. The amours of a coquet, Madam, general'y mean nothing -farther; I look upon them and prudes to be nuisances much alike, tho' -they seem very different; the first are always disturbing the men, and -the latter always abusing the women. - -_Clar._ And all I think is to establish the character of being virtuous. - -Sir _Charles_. That is, being chaste they mean, for they know no -other virtue; therefore indulge themselves in every thing else that's -vicious; they (against nature) keep their chastity, only because they -find more pleasure in doing mischief with it, than they shou'd have in -parting with it. But, Madam, if both these characters are so odious, -how highly to be valued is that woman, who can attain all they aim at, -without the aid of the folly or vice of either! - - _Enter Lady ~Arabella~._ - -Lady _Ara._ Your servant, Sir. I won't ask your pardon for leaving you -alone a little with a lady that I know shares so much of your good -opinion. - -Sir _Charles_. I wish, Madam, she cou'd think my good opinion of value -enough, to afford me a small part in hers. - -Lady _Ara._ I believe, Sir, every woman who knows she has a place in a -fine gentleman's good opinion, will be glad to give him one in hers, -if she can. But however you two may stand in one another's, you must -take another time, if you desire to talk farther about it, or we shan't -have enough to make our visits in; and so your servant, Sir. Come, -_Clarinda_. - -Sir _Charles_. I'll stay and make my Lord a visit, if you will give me -leave. - -Lady _Ara._ You have my leave, Sir, tho' you were a Lady. - - [_Exit with ~Clar~._ - - _Enter Lord ~Loverule~._ - -Lord _Love._ Sir _Charles_, your servant; what, have the ladies left -you? - -Sir _Charles_. Yes, and the ladies in general I hope will leave me too. - -Lord _Love._ Why so? - -Sir _Charles_. That I mayn't be put to the ill manners of leaving them -first. - -Lord _Love._ Do you then already find your gallantry inclining to an -ebb? - -Sir _Charles_. 'Tis not that I am yet old enough to justify myself in -an idle retreat, but I have got I think a sort of surfeit on me, that -lessens much the force of female charms. - -Lord _Love._ Have you then been so glutted with their favours? - -Sir _Charles_. Not with their favours, but with their service; it is -unmerciful. I once thought myself a tolerable time-killer; I drank, I -play'd, I intrigu'd, and yet I had hours enough for reasonable uses; -but he that will list himself a lady's man of mettle now, she'll work -him so at cards and dice, she won't afford him time enough to play with -her at any thing else, though she herself should have a tolerable good -mind to it. - -Lord _Love._ And so the disorderly lives they lead, incline you to a -reform of your own. - -Sir _Charles_. 'Tis true; for bad examples (if they are but bad enough) -give us as useful reflections as good ones do. - -Lord _Love._ 'Tis pity any thing that's bad, shou'd come from women. - -Sir _Charles_. 'Tis so, indeed, and there was a happy time, when both -you and I thought there never could. - -Lord _Love._ Our early first conceptions of them, I well remember, were -that they never could be vicious, nor never could be old. - -Sir _Charles_. We thought so then; the beauteous form we saw them -cast in, seem'd design'd a habitation for no vice, nor no decay; all -I had conceiv'd of angels, I conceiv'd of them; true, tender, gentle, -modest, generous, constant, I thought was writ in every feature; and -in my devotions, Heaven, how did I adore thee, that blessings like -them should be the portion of such poor inferior creatures as I took -myself and all men else (compared with them) to be!--but where's that -adoration now? - -Lord _Love._ 'Tis with such fond young fools as you and I were then. - -Sir _Charles_. And with such it will ever be. - -Lord _Love._ Ever. The pleasure is so great, in believing women to be -what we wish them, that nothing but a long and sharp experience can -ever make us think them otherwise. That experience, friend, both you -and I have had, but yours has been at other mens expence; mine----at my -own. - -Sir _Charles_. Perhaps you'd wonder, shou'd you find me dispos'd to run -the risque of that experience too. - -Lord _Love._ I shou'd, indeed. - -Sir _Charles_. And yet 'tis possible I may; I know at least, I still -have so much of my early folly left, to think, there's yet one woman -fit to make a wife of: How far such a one can answer the charms of -a mistress, marry'd men are silent in, so pass----for that I'd take -my chance; but cou'd she make a home easy to her partner, by letting -him find there a chearful companion, an agreeable intimate, a useful -assistant, a faithful friend, and (in its time perhaps) a tender -mother, such change of life, from what I lead, seems not unwise to -think of. - -Lord _Love._ Nor unwise to purchase, if to be had for millions, but---- - -Sir _Charles_. But what? - -Lord _Love._ If the reverse of this shou'd chance to be the bitter -disappointment, what wou'd the life be then? - -Sir _Charles_. A damn'd one. - -Lord _Love._ And what relief? - -Sir _Charles_. A short one; leave it, and return to that you left, if -you can't find a better. - -Lord _Love._ He says right--that's the remedy, and a just one----for if -I sell my liberty for gold, and I am foully paid in brass, shall I be -held to keep the bargain? - - [_Aside._. - -Sir _Charles_. What are you thinking of? - -Lord _Love._ Of what you have said. - -Sir _Charles_. And was it well said? - -Lord _Love._ I begin to think it might. - -Sir _Charles_. Think on, 'twill give you ease----the man who has -courage enough to part with a wife need not much dread the having one; -and he that has not, ought to tremble at being a husband----But perhaps -I have said too much; you'll pardon however the freedom of an old -friend, because you know I am so; so your servant. - - [_Exit._ - -Lord _Love._ _Charles_, farewell, I can take nothing as ill-meant that -comes from you. Nor ought my wife to think I mean amiss to her; if I -convince her I'll endure no longer that she would thus expose herself -and me. No doubt 'twill grieve her sorely. Physick's a loathsome thing, -'till we find it gives us health, and then we are thankful to those -who made us take it. Perhaps she may do so by me, if she does, 'tis -well; if not, and she resolves to make the house ring with reprisals: -I believe (tho' the misfortune's great) he'll make a better figure in -the world, who keeps an ill wife out of doors, than he that keeps her -within. - - - - -+ACT+ III. +SCENE+ I. - - - _Enter Lady ~Headpiece~ and Mrs. ~Motherly~._ - -Lady _Head._ So, you are acquainted with Lady _Arabella_, I find. - -Mrs. _Moth._ Oh, Madam, I have had the honour to know her Ladyship -almost from a child, and a charming woman she has made. - -Lady _Head._ I like her prodigiously; I had some acquaintance with her -in the country two years ago; but she's quite another woman here. - -Mrs. _Moth._ Ah, Madam, two years keeping company with the polite -people of the town will do wonders in the improvement of a lady, so she -has it but about her. - -Lady _Head._ Now 'tis my misfortune, Mrs. _Motherly_, to come late to -school. - -Mrs. _Moth._ Oh! don't be discourag'd at that, Madam, the quickness of -your ladyship's parts will easily recover your loss of a little time. - -Lady _Head._ O! You flatter me! But I'll endeavour by industry and -application to make it up; such parts as I have shall not lie idle. My -Lady _Arabella_ has been so good to offer me already her introduction, -to those assemblies, where a woman may soonest learn to make herself -valuable to every body. - -Mrs. _Moth._ But her husband. [_Aside._] Her Ladyship, Madam, can -indeed, better than any body, introduce you, where every thing that -accomplishes a fine lady, is practised to the last perfection; Madam, -she herself is at the very tip-top of it----'tis pity, poor lady, she -shou'd meet with any discouragements. - -Lady _Head._ Discouragements! from whence pray? - -Mrs. _Moth._ From home sometimes----my Lord a-- - -Lady _Head._ What does he do? - -Mrs. _Moth._ But one should not talk of people of qualities -family-concerns. - -Lady _Head._ O, no matter, Mrs. _Motherly_, as long as it goes no -farther. My Lord, you were saying---- - -Mrs. _Moth._ Why, my Lord, Madam, is a little humoursome, they say. - -Lady _Head._ Humoursome? - -Mrs. _Moth._ Yes, they say he's humoursome. - -Lady _Head._ As how, pray? - -Mrs. _Moth._ Why, if my poor lady perhaps does but stay out at night, -may be four or five hours after he's in bed, he'll be cross. - -Lady _Head._ What, for such a thing as that? - -Mrs. _Moth._ Yes, he'll be cross; and then if she happens, it may be, -to be unfortunate at play, and lose a great deal of money, more than -she has to pay, then Madam----he'll snub. - -Lady _Head._ Out upon him! snub such a woman as she is? I can tell you, -Mrs. _Motherly_, I that am but a country lady, should Sir _Francis_ -take upon him to snub me, in _London_, he'd raise a spirit would make -his hair stand on end. - -Mrs. _Moth._ Really, Madam, that's the only way to deal with 'em. - - _Enter Miss ~Betty~._ - -And here comes pretty Miss _Betty_, that I believe will never be made a -fool of, when she's married. - -Miss _Betty._ No by my troth won't I. What are you talking of my being -married, mother? - -Lady _Head._ No, Miss; Mrs. _Motherly_ was only saying what a good wife -you wou'd make, when you were so. - -Miss _Betty._ The sooner it is try'd, mother, the sooner it will be -known. Lord, here's the colonel, Madam! - - _Enter ~Colonel~._ - -Lady _Head._ Colonel, your servant. - -Miss _Betty._ Your servant, colonel. - -_Col._ Ladies, your most obedient----I hope, Madam, the town air agrees -with you? - -Lady _Head._ Mighty well, Sir. - -Miss _Betty._ Oh prodigious well, Sir. We have bought a new coach and -an ocean of new clothes, and we are to go to the play to-night, and -to-morrow we go to the opera, and next night we go to the assembly, and -then the next night after, we---- - -Lady _Head._ Softly, Miss----Do you go to the play to-night, colonel? - -_Col._ I did not design it, Madam; but now I find there is to be such -good company, I'll do myself the honour (if you'll give me leave, -ladies) to come and lead you to your coach. - -Lady _Head._ It's extremely obliging. - -Miss _Betty_. It is indeed mighty well-bred. Lord! colonel, what a -difference there is between your way and our country companions; one of -them would have said, what, you are aw gooing to the playhouse then? -Yes, says we, won't you come and lead us out? No, by good feggins, says -he, ye ma' e'en ta' care o' yoursells, y'are awd enough; and so he'd -ha' gone to get drunk at the tavern against we came home to supper. - -Mrs. _Moth._ Ha, ha, ha! well, sure Madam, your Ladyship is the -happiest mother in the world to have such a charming companion to your -daughter. - -_Col._ The prettiest creature upon earth! - -Miss _Betty._ D'ye hear that, mother? Well, he's a fine gentleman -really, and I think a man of admirable sense. - -Lady _Head._ Softly, Miss, he'll hear you. - -Miss _Betty._ If he does, Madam, he'll think I say true, and he'll like -me never the worse for that, I hope. Where's your niece _Martilla_, -Mrs. _Motherly_? Mama, won't you carry _Martilla_ to the play with us? - -Lady _Head._ With all my heart, child. - -_Col._ She's a very pretty civil sort of woman, Madam, and miss will be -very happy in having such a companion in the house with her. - -Miss _Betty._ So I shall indeed, Sir, and I love her dearly already, we -are growing very great together. - -Lady _Head._ But what's become of your brother, child? I han't seen him -these two hours, where is he? - -Miss _Betty._ Indeed, mother, I don't know where he is; I saw him -asleep about half an hour ago by the kitchen fire. - -_Col._ Must not he go to the play too? - -Lady _Head_. Yes, I think he shou'd go, tho' he'll be weary on't, -before it's half done. - -Miss _Betty._ Weary? yes; and then he'll sit, and yawn, and stretch -like a grayhound by the fire-side, 'till he does some nasty thing or -other, that they'll turn him out of the house, so it's better to leave -him at home. - -Mrs. _Moth._ O, that were pity, Miss. Plays will enliven him----see, -here he comes, and my niece with him. - - _Enter Squire ~Humphry~ and ~Martilla~._ - -_Col._ Your servant, Sir; you come in good time, the ladies are all -going to the play, and wanted you to help to gallant them. - -Squire _Humph._ And so 'twill be nine o'clock, before one shall get any -supper. - -Miss _Betty._ Supper! why your dinner is not out of your mouth yet, -at least 'tis all about the brims of it. See how greasy his chops is, -mother. - -Lady _Head._ Nay, if he han't a mind to go, he need not. You may stay -here 'till your father comes home from the parliament-house, and then -you may eat a broil'd bone together. - -Miss _Betty._ Yes, and drink a tankard of strong beer together; and -then he may tell you all he has been doing in the parliament-house, and -you may tell him all you have been thinking of when you were asleep, in -the kitchen: and then if you'll put it all down in writing, when we -come from the play, I'll read it to the company. - -Squire _Humph._ Sister, I don't like your joaking, and you are not -a well-behav'd young woman; and altho' my mother encourages you, my -thoughts are, you are not too big to be whipt. - -Miss _Betty._ How, sirrah? - -Squire _Humph._ There's a civil young gentlewoman stands there, is -worth a hundred of you. And I believe she'll be married before you. - -Miss _Betty._ Cots my life, I have a good mind to pull your eyes out. - -Lady _Head._ Hold, Miss, hold, don't be in such a passion, neither. - -Miss _Betty._ Mama, it is not that I am angry at any thing he says to -commend _Martilla_, for I wish she were to be marry'd to-morrow, that -I might have a dance at her wedding; but what need he abuse me for? I -wish the lout had mettle enough to be in love with her, she'd make pure -sport with him. [_Aside._] Does your Heaviness find any inclinations -moving towards the lady you admire----Speak! are you in love with her? - -Squire _Humph._ I am in love with nobody; and if any body be in love -with me, mayhap they had as good be quiet. - -Miss _Betty._ Hold your tongue, I'm quite sick of you. Come, -_Martilla_, you are to go to the play with us. - -_Mart._ Am I, Miss? I am ready to wait upon you. - -Lady _Head._ I believe it's time we should be going; Colonel, is not it? - -_Col._ Yes, Madam, I believe it is. - -Lady _Head._ Come, then; who is there? - - _Enter Servant._ - -Is the coach at the door? - -_Serv._ It has been there this hafe haur, so please your Ladyship. - -Miss _Betty._ And are all the people in the street gazing at it, _Tom_? - -_Serv._ That are they, Madam; and _Roger_ has drank so much of his own -beveridge, that he's even as it were gotten a little drunk. - -Lady _Head._ Not so drunk, I hope, but that he can drive us? - -_Serv._ Yes, yes, Madam, he drives best when he's a little upish. When -_Roger_'s head turns, raund go the wheels, i'faith. - -Miss _Betty._ Never fear, Mama, as long as it's to the playhouse, -there's no danger. - -Lady _Head._ Well, daughter, since you are so courageous, it shan't be -said I make any difficulty; and if the Colonel is so gallant, to have a -mind to share our danger, we have room for him, if he pleases. - -_Col._ Madam, you do me a great deal of honour, and I'm sure you give -me a great deal of pleasure. - -Miss _Betty._ Come, dear Mama, away we go. - - [_Exeunt all but ~Squire~, ~Martilla~, and Mrs. ~Motherly~._ - -Squire _Humph._ I did not think you would have gone. - - [_To ~Martilla~._ - -_Mart._ O, I love a play dearly. - - [_Exit._ - -Mrs. _Moth._ I wonder, Squire, that you wou'd not go to the play with -'em. - -Squire _Humph._ What needed _Martilla_ have gone? they were enough -without her. - -Mrs. _Moth._ O, she was glad to go to divert herself; and besides, my -Lady desired her to go with them. - -Squire _Humph._ And so I am left alone. - -Mrs. _Moth._ Why, wou'd you have car'd for her company? - -Squire _Humph._ Rather than none. - -Mrs. _Moth._ On my conscience he's ready to cry; this is matter to -think of: but here comes Sir _Francis_. - - [_Aside._ - - _Enter Sir ~Francis~._ - -How do you do, Sir? I'm afraid these late parliament hours won't agree -with you. - -Sir _Fran._ Indeed, I like them not, Mrs. _Motherly_; if they wou'd -dine at twelve o'clock, as we do in the country, a man might be able -to drink a reasonable bottle between that and supper-time. - -Mrs. _Moth._ That wou'd be much better indeed, Sir _Francis_. - -Sir _Fran._ But then when we consider that what we undergo, is -in being busy for the good of our country,----O, the good of our -country is above all things; what a noble and glorious thing it is, -Mrs. _Motherly_, that _England_ can boast of five hundred zealous -gentlemen, all in one room, all of one mind, upon a fair occasion, to -go altogether by the ears for the good of their country!----_Humphry_, -perhaps you'll be a senator in time, as your father is now; and when -you are, remember your country; spare nothing for the good of your -country! and when you come home, at the end of the sessions, you will -find yourself so adored, that your country will come and dine with you -every day in the week. O, here's my uncle _Richard_. - - _Enter Uncle ~Richard~._ - -Mrs. _Moth._ I think, Sir, I had better get you a mouthful of something -to stay your stomach 'till supper. - - [_Exit._ - -Sir _Fran._ With all my heart, for I'm almost famish'd. - -Squire _Humph._ And so shall I before my mother comes from the -playhouse, so I'll go and get a butter'd toast. - - [_Exit._ - -Sir _Fran._ Uncle, I hope you are well. - -Unc. _Rich._ Nephew, if I had been sick I wou'd not have come abroad; -I suppose you are well, for I sent this morning, and was inform'd you -went out early; was it to make your court to some of the great men? - -Sir _Fran._ Yes, uncle, I was advised to lose no time, so I went to one -great man, whom I had never seen before. - -Unc. _Rich._ And who had you got to introduce you? - -Sir _Fran._ Nobody; I remember'd I had heard a wise man say, My son, be -bold; so I introduced myself. - -Unc. _Rich._ As how, I pray? - -Sir _Fran._ Why thus, uncle; please your Lordship, says I, I am Sir -_Francis Headpiece_ of _Headpiece-Hall_, and member of parliament for -the ancient borough of _Gobble-Guiney_. Sir, your humble servant, says -my Lord, tho' I have not the honour to know your person, I have heard -you are a very honest gentleman, and I am very glad your borough has -made choice of so worthy a representative; have you any service to -command me? Those last words, uncle, gave me great encouragement: And -tho' I know you have not any very great opinion of my parts, I believe -you won't say I mist it now. - -Unc. _Rich._ I hope I shall have no cause. - -Sir _Fran._ My Lord, says I, I did not design to say any thing to your -Lordship to-day about business; but since your Lordship is so kind and -free, as to bid me speak if I have any service to command you, I will. - -Unc. _Rich._ So. - -Sir _Fran._ I have, says I, my Lord, a good estate, but it's a little -out at elbows: and as I desire to serve my king as well as my country, -I shall be very willing to accept of a place at court. - -Unc. _Rich._ This was bold indeed. - -Sir _Fran._ I'cod, I shot him flying, uncle; another man would have -been a month before he durst have open'd his mouth about a place. But -you shall hear. Sir _Francis_, says my Lord, what sort of a place may -you have turn'd your thoughts upon? My Lord, says I, beggars must not -be choosers; but some place about a thousand a year, I believe, might -do pretty weel to begin with. Sir _Francis_, says he, I shall be glad -to serve you in any thing I can; and in saying these words he gave me -a squeeze by the hand, as much as to say, I'll do your business. And -so he turn'd to a Lord that was there, who look'd as if he came for a -place too. - -Unc. _Rich._ And so your fortune's made. - -Sir _Fran._ Don't you think so, uncle? - -Unc. _Rich._ Yes, for just so mine was made----twenty years ago. Sir -_Fran._ Why, I never knew you had a place, uncle. - -Unc. _Rich._ Nor I neither upon my faith, nephew: but you have been -down at the house since you made your court, have not you? - -Sir _Fran._ O yes; I would not neglect the house for ever so much. - -Unc. _Rich._ And what might they have done there to-day, I pray? - -Sir _Fran._ Why truly, uncle, I cannot well tell what they did. But -I'll tell you what I did: I happen'd to make a little sort of a mistake. - -Unc. _Rich._ How was that? - -Sir _Fran._ Why you must know, uncle, they were all got into a sort of -a hodge-podge argument for the good of the nation, which I did not well -understand; however I was convinced, and so resolved to vote aright -according to my conscience; but they made such a puzzling business -on't, when they put the question, as they call it, that, I believe, -I cry'd Ay, when I should have cry'd No; for a sort of a _Jacobite_ -that sat next me, took me by the hand, and said, Sir, you are a man -of honour, and a true _Englishman_, and I shou'd be glad to be better -acquainted with you, and so he pull'd me along with the croud into the -lobby with him, when I believe I should have staid where I was. - -Unc. _Rich._ And so, if you had not quite made your fortune before, you -have clench'd it now. Ah, thou head of the _Headpieces_! [_Aside._] How -now, what's the matter here? - - _Enter Lady ~Headpiece~, &c. in disorder, some dirty, some - lame, some bloody._ - -Sir _Fran._ Mercy on us! they are all kill'd. - -Miss _Betty_. Not for a thousand pounds; but we have been all down in -the dirt together. - -Lady _Head._ We have had a sad piece of work on't, Sir _Francis_, -overturn'd in the channel, as we were going to the playhouse. - -Miss _Betty._ Over and over, papa; had it been coming from the -playhouse, I shou'd not have car'd a farthing. - -Sir _Fran._ But, child, you are hurt, your face is all bloody. - -Miss _Betty._ O, Sir, my new gown is all dirty. - -Lady _Head._ The new coach is all spoil'd. - -Miss _Betty._ The glasses are all to bits. - -Lady _Head._ _Roger_ has put out his arm. - -Miss _Betty._ Would he had put out his neck, for making us lose the -play. - -Squire _Humph._ Poor _Martilla_ has scratch'd her little finger. - -Lady _Head._ And here's the poor Colonel; nobody asks what he has done. -I hope, Sir, you have got no harm? - -_Col._ Only a little wounded with some pins I met with about your -Ladyship. - -Lady _Head._ I am sorry any thing about me should do you harm. - -_Col._ If it does, Madam, you have that about you, if you please, will -be my cure. I hope your Ladyship feels nothing amiss? - -Lady _Head._ Nothing at all, tho' we did roll about together strangely. - -_Col._ We did, indeed. I'm sure we roll'd so, that my poor hands were -got once----I don't know where they were got. But her Ladyship I see -will pass by slips. - - [_Aside._ - -Sir _Fran._ It wou'd have been pity the colonel shou'd have receiv'd -any damage in his services to the Ladies; he is the most complaisant -man to e'm, uncle; always ready when they have occasion for him. - -Unc. _Rich._ Then I believe, nephew, they'll never let him want -business. - -Sir _Fran._ O, but they shou'd not ride the free horse to death -neither. Come, colonel, you'll stay and drink a bottle, and eat a -little supper with us, after your misfortune? - -_Col._ Sir, since I have been prevented from attending the ladies to -the play, I shall be very proud to obey their commands here at home. - -Sir _Fran._ A prodigious civil gentleman, uncle; and yet as bold as -_Alexander_ upon occasion. - -Unc. _Rich._ Upon a lady's occasion. - -Sir _Fran._ Ha, ha, you're a wag, uncle; but I believe he'd storm any -thing. - -Unc. _Rich._ Then I believe your citadel may be in danger. - - [_Aside._ - -Sir _Fran._ Uncle, won't you break your rule for once, and sup from -home? - -Unc. _Rich._ The company will excuse me, nephew, they'll be freer -without me; so good night to them and you. - -Lady _Head._ Good night to you, Sir, since you won't stay: Come, -colonel. - -Unc. _Rich._ Methinks this facetious colonel is got upon a pretty, -familiar, easy foot already with the family of the _Headpieces_--hum. - - [_Aside._ _Exit._ - -Sir _Fran._ Come, my Lady, let's all in, and pass the evening -chearfully. And, d'ye hear, wife----a word in your ear----I have got a -promise of a place in court, of a thousand a year, he, hem. - - [_Exeunt._ - - - - -+ACT+ IV. +SCENE+ I. - - - _Enter Lady ~Arabella~, as just up, walking pensively to her - Toilet, follow'd by Trusty._ - -Lady _Ara._ Well, sure never woman had such luck--these devilish -dice!----Sit up all night; lose all one's money, and then----how like a -hag I look. [_Sits at her toilet, turning her purse inside out._] Not -a guinea----worth less by a hundred pounds than I was by one o'clock -this morning----and then----I was worth nothing----what is to be done, -_Trusty_! - -_Trus._ I wish I were wise enough to tell you, Madam; but if there -comes in any good company to breakfast with your Ladyship, perhaps you -may have a run of better fortune. - -Lady _Ara._ But I han't a guinea to try my fortune----let me see----who -was that impertinent man, that was so saucy last week about money, that -I was forc'd to promise once more, he shou'd have what I ow'd him, this -morning? - -_Trus._ O, I remember, Madam; it was your old mercer _Short-yard_, that -you turn'd off a year ago, because he would trust you no longer. - -Lady _Ara._ That's true; and I think I bid the steward keep the thirty -guineas out of some money he was paying me to stop his odious mouth. - -_Trus._ Your Ladyship did so. - -Lady _Ara._ Pr'ythee, _Trusty_, run and see whether the wretch has got -the money yet; if not, tell the steward, I have occasion for it myself; -run quickly. - - [_~Trusty~ runs to the door_. - -_Trus._ Ah, Madam, he's just paying it away now, in the hall. - -Lady _Ara._ Stop him! quick, quick, dear _Trusty_. - -_Trus._ Hem, hem, Mr. _Money-bag_, a word with you quickly. - -_Mon._ [_Within._] I'll come presently. - -_Trus._ Presently won't do, you must come this moment. - -_Mon._ I'm but just paying a little money. - -_Trus._ Cods my life, paying money, is the man distracted? Come here, I -tell you, to my Lady this moment, quick. - - [_~Money-bag~ comes to the door with a purse in's hand._ - -My Lady says you must not pay the money to-day, there's a mistake in -the account, which she must examine; and she's afraid too there was -a false guinea or two left in the purse, which might disgrace her. -[_Twitches the purse from him._] But she's too busy to look for 'em -just now, so you must bid Mr. What-d'ye-call-'em come another time. -There they are, Madam. [_Gives her the money._] The poor things were -so near gone, they made me tremble; I fancy your Ladyship will give -me one of those false guineas for good luck. [_Takes a guinea._] Thank -you, Madam. - -Lady _Ara._ Why, I did not bid you take it. - -_Trus._ No, but your Ladyship look'd as if you were just going to bid -me; so I took it to save your Ladyship the trouble of speaking. - -Lady _Ara._ Well, for once----but hark----I think I hear the man making -a noise yonder. - -_Trus._ Nay, I don't expect he'll go out of the house quietly. I'll -listen. - - [_Goes to the door._ - -Lady _Ara._ Do. - -_Trus._ He's in a bitter passion with poor _Money-bag_; I believe he'll -beat him----Lord, how he swears! - -Lady _Ara._ And a sober citizen too! that's a shame. - -_Trus._ He says he will speak with you, Madam, tho' the devil held your -door----Lord! he's coming hither full drive, but I'll lock him out. - -Lady _Ara._ No matter, let him come; I'll reason with him. - -_Trus._ But he's a saucy fellow for all that. - - _Enter ~Short-yard~._ - -What wou'd you have, Sir? - -_Short._ I wou'd have my due, Mistress. - -_Trus._ That wou'd be----to be well cudgel'd, Master, for coming so -familiarly, where you shou'd not come. - -Lady _Ara._ Do you think you do well, Sir, to intrude into my -dressing-room? - -_Short._ Madam, I sold my goods to you in your dressing room, I don't -know why I mayn't ask for my money there. - -Lady _Ara._ You are very short, Sir. - -_Short._ Your Ladyship won't complain of my patience being so? - -Lady _Ara._ I complain of nothing that ought not to be complained of; -but I hate ill manners. - -_Short._ So do I, Madam,--but this is the seventeenth time I have been -ordered to come with good-manners for my money, to no purpose. - -Lady _Ara._ Your money, man! Is that the matter? Why it has lain in the -steward's hands this week for you. - -_Short._ Madam, you yourself appointed me to come this very morning for -it. - -Lady _Ara._ But why did you come so late then? - -_Short._ So late! I came soon enough, I thought. - -Lady _Ara._ That thinking wrong, makes us liable to a world of -disappointments: If you had thought of coming one minute sooner, you -had had your money. - -_Short._ Gad bless me, Madam, I had the money as I thought, I'm sure it -was telling out, and I was writing a receipt for't. - -_Trus._ Why there you thought wrong again, Master. - -Lady _Ara._ Yes, for you shou'd never think of writing a receipt till -the money is in your pocket. - -_Short._ Why, I did think 'twas in my pocket. - -_Trus._ Look you, thinking again. Indeed, Mr. _Short-yard_, you make so -many blunders, 'tis impossible but you must suffer by it, in your way -of trade. I'm sorry for you, and you'll be undone. - -_Short._ And well I may, when I sell my goods to people that won't pay -me for 'em, till the interest of my money eats out all my profit: I -sold them so cheap, because I thought I shou'd be paid the next day. - -_Trus._ Why, there again! there's another of your thoughts; paid the -next day, and you han't been paid this twelvemonth you see. - -_Short._ Oons, I han't been paid at all, Mistress. - -Lady _Ara._ Well, tradesmen are strange unreasonable creatures, refuse -to sell people any more things, and then quarrel with 'em because they -don't pay for those they have had already. Now what can you say to -that, Mr. _Short-yard_? - -_Short._ Say! Why--'Sdeath, Madam, I don't know what you talk of, I -don't understand your argument. - -Lady _Ara._ Why, what do you understand, man? - -_Short._ Why, I understand that I have had above a hundred pounds due -to me a year ago; that I came, by appointment, just now to receive -it: that it proved at last to be but thirty instead of a hundred and -ten; and that while the steward was telling even that out, and I was -writing the receipt, comes Mrs. _Pop_ here, and the money was gone. But -I'll be banter'd no longer if there's law in _England_. Say no more, -_Short-yard_. - - [_Exit._ - -_Trus._ What a passion the poor devil's in! - -Lady _Ara._ Why truly one can't deny but he has some present cause -to be a little in ill-humour, but when one has things of greater -consequence on foot, one can't trouble one's self about making -such creatures easy; so call for breakfast, _Trusty_, and set the -hazard-table ready; if there comes no company I'll play a little by -myself. - - _Enter Lord ~Loverule~._ - -Lord _Love._ Pray what offence, Madam, have you given to a man I met -with just as I came in? - -Lady _Ara._ People who are apt to take offence, do it for small -matters, you know. - -Lord _Love._ I shall be glad to find this so; but he says you have owed -him above a hundred pounds this twelvemonth; that he has been here -forty times by appointment for it, to no purpose; and that coming here -this morning upon positive assurance from yourself, he was trick'd out -of the money, while he was writing a receipt for it, and sent away -without a farthing. - -Lady _Ara._ Lord, how these shopkeepers will lye! - -Lord _Love._ What then is the business? for some ground the man must -have to be in such a passion. - -Lady _Ara._ I believe you'll rather wonder to see me so calm, when I -tell you he had the insolence to intrude into my very dressing-room -here, with a story without a head or tail; you know, _Trusty_, we cou'd -not understand one word he said, but when he swore----Good Lord! how -the wretch did swear! - -_Trus._ I never heard the like for my part. - -Lord _Love._ And all this for nothing? - -Lady _Ara._ So it proved, my Lord, for he got nothing by it. - -Lord _Love._ His swearing I suppose was for his money, Madam. Who can -blame him? - -Lady _Ara._ If he swore for money he should be put in the pillory. - -Lord _Love._ Madam, I won't be banter'd, nor sued by this man for your -extravagancies: do you owe him the money or not? - -Lady _Ara._ He says I do, but such fellows will say any thing. - -Lord _Love._ Provoking! [_Aside._] Did not I desire an account from you -of all your debts, but six months since, and give you money to clear -them? - -Lady _Ara._ My Lord, you can't imagine how accounts make my head ake. - -Lord _Love._ That won't do. The steward gave you two hundred pounds -besides, but last week; where's that? - -Lady _Ara._ Gone! - -Lord _Love._ Gone! where? - -Lady _Ara._ Half the town over, I believe, by this time. - -Lord _Love._ Madam, Madam, this can be endured no longer, and before a -month passes expect to find me-- - -Lady _Ara._ Hist, my Lord, here's company. - - _Enter Captain ~Toupee~._ - -Captain _Toupee_, your servant: What, nobody with you? do you come -quite alone? - -_Capt._ 'Slife, I thought to find company enough here. My Lord, your -servant. What a deuce, you look as if you had been up all night. I'm -sure I was in bed but three hours; I wou'd you'd give me some coffee. - -Lady _Ara._ Some coffee there; tea too, and chocolate. - -_Capt._ [_Singing a minuet and dancing._] Well, what a strange fellow -am I to be thus brisk, after losing all my money last night----but upon -my soul you look sadly. - -Lady _Ara._ No matter for that, if you'll let me win a little of your -money this morning. - -_Capt._ What with that face? Go, go wash it, go wash it, and put on -some handsome things; you look'd a good likely woman last night; I -would not much have cared if you had run five hundred pounds in my -debt; but if I play with you this morning, I'gad I'd advise you to win; -for I won't take your personal security at present for a guinea. - -Lord _Love._ To what a nauseous freedom do women of quality of late -admit these trifling fops! and there's a morning exercise will give 'em -claim to greater freedoms still. [_Points to the hazard-table._] Some -course must be taken. - - [_Exit._ - -_Capt._ What, is my Lord gone? he look'd methought as if he did not -delight much in my company. Well, peace and plenty attend him for your -Ladyship's sake, and those----who have now and then the honour to win a -hundred pounds of you. - - [_Goes to the table singing, and throws._ - -Lady _Ara._ [_Twitching the box from him._] What, do you intend to win -all the money upon the table----Seven's the main--Set me a million, -_Toupee_. - -_Capt._ I set you two, my queen--Six to seven. - -_Lady Ara._ Six----the world's my own. - -_Both._ Ha, ha, ha! - -Lady _Ara._ O that my Lord had spirit enough about him to let me play -for a thousand pound a-night----But here comes country company---- - - _Enter Lady ~Headpiece~, Miss ~Betty~, Mrs. ~Motherly~, and - Colonel ~Courtly~._ - -Your servant, Madam, good-morrow to you. - -Lady _Head._ And to you, Madam. We are come to breakfast with you. -Lord, are you got to those pretty things already? - - [_Points to the dice._ - -Lady _Ara._ You see we are not such idle folks in town as you country -ladies take us to be; we are no sooner out of our beds, but we are at -our work. - -Miss _Betty._ Will dear Lady Arabella give us leave, mother, to do a -stitch or two with her? - - [_Takes the box and throws._ - -_Capt._ The pretty lively thing! - -Lady _Ara._ With all her heart; what says her mama? - -Lady _Head._ She says she don't love to sit with her hands before her, -when other people's are employed. - -_Capt._ And this is the prettiest little sociable work, men and women -can all do together at it. - -Lady _Head._ Colonel, you are one with us, are you not? - -Lady _Ara._ O, I'll answer for him, he'll be out at nothing. - -_Capt._ In a facetious way; he is the politest person; he will lose -his money to the ladies so civilly, and will win theirs with so much -good breeding; and he will be so modest to 'em before company, and so -impudent to 'em in a dark corner. Ha! colonel! - -Lady _Head._ So I found him, I'm sure, last night----Mercy on me, an -ounce of virtue less than I had, and Sir _Francis_ had been undone. - -_Capt._ Colonel, I smoke you. - -_Col._ And a fine character you give the ladies of me, to help me. - -_Capt._ I give 'em just the character of you they like, modest and -brave. Come, ladies, to business; look to your money, every woman her -hand upon her purse. - -Miss _Betty._ Here's mine, captain. - -_Capt._ O the little soft velvet one--and it's as full--Come, Lady -Blowse, rattle your dice and away with 'em. - -Lady _Ara._ Six----at all----five to six----Five----Eight----at all -again----Nine to eight----Nine---- - - _Enter Sir ~Francis~, and stands gazing at 'em._ - -Seven's the main----at all for ever. - - [_Throws out._ - -Miss _Betty._ Now, mama, let's see what you can do. - - [_Lady ~Headpiece~ takes the box._ - -Lady _Head._ Well, I'll warrant you, daughter---- - -Miss _Betty._ If you do, I'll follow a good example. - -Lady _Head._ Eight's the main----don't spare me, gentlemen, I fear you -not----have at you all----seven to eight----seven. - -_Capt._ Eight, Lady, eight----Five pounds if you please. - -Lady _Ara._ Three, kinswoman. - -_Col._ Two, Madam. - -Miss _Betty._ And one for Miss, Mama----and now let's see what I can -do. [_Aside._] If I should win enough this morning to buy me another -new gown--O bless me! there they go----seven----come, captain, set me -boldly, I want to be at a handful. - -_Capt._ There's two for you, miss. - -Miss _Betty._ I'll at 'em, tho' I die for't. - -Sir _Fran._ Ah, my poor child, take care. - - [_Runs to stop the throw._ - -Miss _Betty._ There. - -_Capt._ Out--twenty pound], young lady. - -Sir _Fran._ False dice, Sir. - -_Capt._ False dice, Sir? I scorn your words----twenty pounds, Madam. - -Miss _Betty._ Undone, undone! - -Sir _Fran._ She shan't pay you a farthing, Sir; I won't have miss -cheated. - -_Capt._ Cheated, Sir? - -Lady _Head._ What do you mean, Sir _Francis_, to disturb the company, -and abuse the gentleman thus? - -Sir _Fran._ I mean to be in a passion. - -Lady _Head._ And why will you be in a passion, Sir _Francis_? - -Sir _Fran._ Because I came here to breakfast with my Lady there, before -I went down to the house, expecting to find my family set round a civil -table with her, upon some plumb-cake, hot rolls, and a cup of strong -beer; instead of which, I find these good women staying their stomachs -with a box and dice, and that man there, with a strange perriwig, -making a good hearty meal upon my wife and daughter.---- - - _Cætera desunt._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -THE - -=Provok'd Husband=; - -OR, A - -=Journey= to =London=. - -A - -COMEDY. - - - Written by - - Sir =John Vanbrugh=, and Mr. =Cibber=. - - ----_Vivit Tanquam Vicina Mariti_. Juv. Sat. VI. - -[Illustration] - - - - -TO THE - -QUEEN. - - - _May it please your Majesty_, - -The _English_ =Theatre= throws itself with this Play, at Your MAJESTY's -Feet, for Favour and Support. - -As their Public Diversions are a strong Indication of the Genius of a -People; the following Scenes are an Attempt to Establish such as are -fit to entertain the Minds of a sensible Nation; and to wipe off that -Aspersion of Barbarity, which the _Virtuosi_ among our Neighbours have -sometimes thrown upon our Taste. - -The _Provok'd Husband_, is, at least, an Instance, that any _English_ -Comedy may, to an unusual number of Days, bring many Thousands of His -Majesty's good Subjects together, to their Emolument and Delight, with -Innocence. And however little Share of that Merit my unequal Pen may -pretend to, yet I hope the just Admirers of Sir _John Vanbrugh_ will -allow I have, at worst, been a careful Guardian of his Orphan Muse, by -leading it into Your Majesty's Royal Protection. - -The Design of this Play being chiefly to expose, and reform the -licentious Irregularities that, too often, break in upon the Peace and -Happiness of the Married State; Where could so hazardous and unpopular -an undertaking be secure, but in the Protection of a =Princess=, whose -exemplary Conjugal Virtues have given such illustrious Proof of what -sublime Felicity that holy State is capable? - -And though a Crown is no certain Title to Content; yet to the Honour -of that Institution be it said, the Royal Harmony of Hearts that now -inchants us from the Throne, is a Reproach to the frequent Disquiet -of those many insensible Subjects about it, who (from his Majesty's -paternal Care of his People) have more Leisure to be happy: And 'tis -our =Queen's= peculiar Glory, that we often see Her as eminently rais'd -above her Circle, in private Happiness, as in Dignity. - -Yet Heaven, =Madam=, that has placed you on such Height, to be the -more conspicuous Pattern of your Sex, had still left your Happiness -imperfect, had it not given those inestimable Treasures of your Mind, -and Person, to the only Prince on Earth that could have deserved -them: A Crown received from Any, but the Happy Monarch's Hand, who -invested you with This, which You now adorn, had only seemed the Work -of _Fortune_: But _Thus_ bestow'd, the World acknowledges it the due -Reward of =Providence=, for One You once so gloriously Refused. - -But as the Fame of such elevated Virtue has lifted the Plain Addresses -of a whole Nation into Eloquence, the best repeated Eulogiums on that -Theme are but Intrusions on your Majesty's greater Pleasure of secretly -deserving them. I therefore beg leave, to subscribe myself, - - May it please Your =Majesty=, - - _Your Majesty's most Devoted_, - - _Most Obedient, and_ - - _Most Humble Servant_, - - =Colley Cibber=. - - - - -TO THE - -READER. - - -Having taken upon me in the prologue to this play, to give the auditors -some short account of that part of it which Sir _John Vanbrugh_ left -unfinished, and not thinking it adviseable in that place, to limit -their judgment by so high a commendation as I thought it deserved; I -have therefore, for the satisfaction of the curious, printed the whole -of what he wrote, separately, under the single title he gave it of _A -Journey to London_, without presuming to alter a line. - -Yet when I own, that in my last conversation with him, (which chiefly -turned upon what he had done towards a comedy) he excused his not -shewing it me, 'till he had reviewd it, confessing the scenes were -yet undigested, too long, and irregular, particularly in the lower -characters, I have but one excuse for publishing what he never designed -should come into the world, as it then was, viz. I had no other way of -taking those many faults to myself, which may be justly found in my -presuming to finish it. - -However, a judicious reader will find in his original papers, that -the characters are strongly drawn, new, spirited, and natural, taken -from sensible observations on high and lower life, and from a just -indignation at the follies in fashion. All I could gather from him of -what he intended in the _catastrophe_, was, that the conduct of his -imaginary fine lady had so provoked him, that he designed actually -to have made her husband turn her out of his doors. But when his -performance came, after his decease, to my hands, I thought such -violent measures, however just they might be in real life, were too -severe for comedy, and would want the proper surprise, which is due -to the end of a play. Therefore with much ado (and 'twas as much as I -could do with probability) I preserved the lady's chastity, that the -sense of her errors might make a reconciliation not impracticable; and -I hope the mitigation of her sentence has been since justified by its -success. - -My inclination to preserve as much as possible of Sir _John_, I soon -saw had drawn the whole into an unusual length; the reader will -therefore find here a scene or two of the lower humour that were left -out, after the first day's presentation. - -The favour the town has shewn to the higher characters in this play, -is a proof, that their taste is not wholly vitiated, by the barbarous -entertainments that have been so expensively set off to corrupt it: -but, while the repetition of the best old plays is apt to give satiety, -and good new ones are so scarce a commodity, we must not wonder, that -the poor actors are sometimes forced to trade in trash for a livelihood. - -I cannot yet take leave of the reader, without endeavouring to do -justice to those principal actors, who have so evidently contributed -to the support of this comedy: And I wish I could separate the praises -due to them from the secret vanity of an author: For all I can say will -still insinuate, that they could not have so highly excelled, unless -the skill of the writer had given them proper occasion. However, as I -had rather appear vain, than unthankful, I will venture to say of Mr. -_Wilks_, that in the last act, I never saw any passion take so natural -a possession of an actor, or any actor take so tender a possession of -his auditors----Mr. _Mills_ too, is confess'd by every body, to have -surprised them, by so far excelling himself----But there is no doing -right to Mrs. _Oldfield_, without putting people in mind of what -others, of great merit, have wanted to come near her----'Tis not enough -to say, she _Here Out-did_ her usual _Excellence_. I might therefore -justly leave her to the constant admiration of those spectators, who -have the pleasure of living while she is an actress. But as this is not -the only time she has been the life of what I have given the public, -so perhaps my saying a little more of so memorable an actress, may -give this play a chance to be read, when the people of this age shall -be ancestors----May it therefore give emulation to our successors of -the stage, to know, That to the ending of the year 1727, a cotemporary -comedian relates, that Mrs. _Oldfield_ was, then, in her highest -excellence of action, happy in all the rearly-found requisites, that -meet in one person to complete them for the stage----She was in stature -just rising to that height, where the _graceful_ can only begin to shew -itself; of a lively aspect and a command in her mein, that like the -principal figure in the finest paintings, first seizes, and longest -delights the eye of the spectators. Her voice was sweet, strong, -piercing, and melodious: her pronunciation voluble, distinct, and -musical; and her emphasis always placed where the spirit of the sense, -in her periods, only demanded it. If she delighted more in the Higher -Comic, than in the Tragic strain, 'twas because the last is too often -written in a lofty disregard of nature. But in characters of modern -practised life, she found occasions to add the particular air and -manner which distinguished the different humours she presented. Whereas -in tragedy, the manner of speaking varies, as little as the blank verse -it is written in----She had one peculiar happiness from nature, she -looked and maintained the _agreeable_, at a time when other fine women -only raise admirers by their understanding----The spectator was always -as much informed by her eyes as her elocution; for the look is the -only proof that an actor rightly conceives what he utters, there being -scare an instance, where the eyes do their part, that the elocution is -known to be faulty. The qualities she had _acquired_ were the _genteel_ -and _elegant_. The one in her air, and the other in her dress, never -had her equal on the stage; and the ornaments she herself provided, -(particularly in this play) seemed in all respects the _paraphernalia_ -of a woman of quality. And of that sort were the characters she chiefly -excelled in; but her natural good sense and lively turn of conversation -made her way so easy to ladies of the highest rank, that it is a less -wonder, if on the stage she sometimes _was_, what might have become the -finest woman in real life to have supported. - - _Theatre-Royal_. - _Jan. 27_, - 172⅞ - - C. CIBBER. - - - - -PROLOGUE, - - - Spoken by Mr. _Wilks_. - - _This play took birth from principles of truth, - To make amends for errors past, of youth. - A bard, that's now no more, in riper days, - Conscious review'd the licence of his plays: - And tho' applause his wanton muse had fir'd, - Himself condemn'd what sensual minds admir'd. - At length, he own'd, that plays should let you see - Not only, What you are, but ought to be; - Though vice was natural, 'twas never meant - The stage should shew it, but for punishment! - Warm with that thought, his Muse once more took flame, - Resolv'd to bring licentious life to shame. - Such was the piece his latest pen design'd, - But left no traces of his plan behind. - Luxuriant scenes unprun'd or half contriv'd; - Yet thro' the mass his native fire surviv'd: - Rough, as rich ore, in mines the treasure lay, - Yet still 'twas rich, and forms at length a play. - In which the bold compiler boasts no merit, - But that his pains have sav'd your scenes of spirit. - Not scenes that would a noisy joy impart, - But such as hush the mind and warm the heart. - From praise of hands no sure account he draws, - But fixt attention is sincere applause: - If then (for hard you'll own the task) his art - Can to those embryon-scenes new life impart, - The living proudly would exclude his lays, - And to the buried bard resign the praise._ - - - - -Dramatis Personæ. - - -MEN. - - Lord _Townly_, of a regular life, Mr. _Wilks_. - - Mr. _Manly_, an admirer of Lady _Grace_, Mr. _Mills_ sen. - - Sir _Francis Wronghead_, a country gentleman, Mr. _Cibber_, sen. - - Squire _Richard_, his son, a mere whelp, Young _Wetherelt_. - - Count _Basset_, a gamester, Mr. _Bridgewater_. - - _John Moody_, servant to Sir _Francis_, } Mr. _Miller_. - an honest clown, } - - -WOMEN. - - Lady _Townly_, immoderate in her } Mrs. _Oldfield_. - pursuit of pleasures, } - - Lady _Grace_, sister to Lady _Townly_, } Mrs. _Porter_. - of exemplary virtue, } - - Lady _Wronghead_, wife to Sir _Francis_, } Mrs. _Thurmond_. - inclin'd to be a fine lady, } - - Miss _Jenny_, her daughter, pert and } Mrs. _Cibber_. - forward, } - - Mrs _Motherly_, one that lets lodgings, Mrs. _Moore_. - - _Myrtilla_, her niece, seduced by the } Mrs. _Grace_. - count, } - - Mrs. _Trusty_, Lady _Townly_'s woman, Mrs. _Mills_. - - Masqueraders, Constable, Servants, &c. - - _The ~+SCENE+~ Lord ~Townly~'s House, and - sometimes Sir ~Francis~'s Lodgings._ - - THE - - =Provok'd Husband=; - - OR, - - _A_ =Journey= _to_ =London=. - - - - -+ACT+ I. +SCENE+ I. - - +SCENE+, _Lord ~Townly~'s Apartment._ - - - _Lord ~Townly~, solus._ - -Why did I marry!--Was it not evident, my plain, rational scheme of life -was impracticable, with a woman of so different a way of thinking?--Is -there one article of it, that she has not broke in upon?--Yes,--let me -do her justice--her reputation--That--I have no reason to believe is in -question--but then how long her profligate course of pleasures may make -her able to keep it--is a shocking question! and her presumption while -she keeps it--insupportable! for on the pride of that single virtue she -seems to lay it down, as a fundamental point, that the free indulgence -of every other vice, this fertile town affords, is the birth-right -prerogative of a woman of quality--Amazing! that a creature so warm in -the pursuit of her pleasures, should never cast one thought towards her -happiness--Thus, while she admits no lover, she thinks it a greater -merit still, in her chastity, not to care for her husband; and while -she herself is solacing in one continual round of cards and good -company, he, poor wretch! is left, at large, to take care of his own -contentment----'Tis time, indeed, some care were taken, and speedily -there shall be----Yet let me not be rash----Perhaps this disappointment -of my heart may make me too impatient; and some tempers when reproached -grow more untractable.--Here she comes--Let me be calm a while. - - _Enter Lady ~Townly~._ - -Going out so soon after dinner, Madam? - -Lady _Town._ Lard, my Lord! what can I possibly do at home? - -Lord _Town._ What does my sister, Lady _Grace_, do at home? - -Lady _Town._ Why, that is to me amazing! Have you ever any pleasure at -home! - -Lord _Town._ It might be in your power, Madam, I confess, to make it a -little more comfortable to me. - -Lady _Town._ Comfortable! and so, my good Lord, you would really have a -woman of my rank and spirit stay at home to comfort her husband! Lord! -what notions of life some men have! - -Lord _Town._ Don't you think, Madam, some ladies' notions full as -extravagant? - -Lady _Town._ Yes, my Lord, when the tame doves live cooped within the -penn of your precepts, I do think 'em prodigious indeed! - -Lord _Town._ And when they fly wild about this town, Madam, pray what -must the world think of 'em then? - -Lady _Town._ Oh! this world is not so ill-bred as to quarrel with any -woman for liking it. - -Lord _Town._ Nor am I, Madam, a husband so well-bred, as to bear my -wife's being so fond of it; in short, the life you lead, Madam---- - -Lady _Town._ Is, to me, the pleasantest life in the world. - -Lord _Town._ I should not dispute your taste, Madam, if a woman had a -right to please nobody but herself. - -Lady _Town._ Why, whom would you have her please? - -Lord _Town._ Sometimes her husband. - -Lady _Town._ And don't you think a husband under the same obligation? - -Lord _Town._ Certainly. - -Lady _Town._ Why then we are agreed, my Lord--For if I never go abroad -'till I am weary of being at home----which you know is the case----is -it not equally reasonable, not to come home till one's weary of being -abroad! - -Lord _Town._ If this be your rule of life, Madam, 'tis time to ask you -one serious question? - -Lady _Town._ Don't let it be long a coming then----for I am in haste. - -Lord _Town._ Madam, when I am serious, I expect a serious answer. - -Lady _Town._ Before I know the question? - -Lord _Town._ Psha----have I power, Madam, to make you serious by -intreaty? - -Lady _Town._ You have. - -Lord _Town._ And you promise to answer me sincerely? - -Lady _Town._ Sincerely. - -Lord _Town._ Now then recollect your thoughts, and tell me seriously, -Why you married me? - -Lady _Town._ You insist upon truth, you say? - -Lord _Town._ I think I have a right to it. - -Lady _Town._ Why then, my Lord, to give you, at once, a proof of my -obedience and sincerity----I think----I married--to take off that -restraint, that lay upon my pleasures, while I was a single woman. - -Lord _Town._ How, Madam! is any woman under less restraint after -marriage, than before it? - -Lady _Town._ O my Lord! my Lord! they are quite different creatures! -Wives have infinite liberties in life, that would be terrible in an -unmarried woman to take. - -Lord _Town._ Name one. - -Lady _Town._ Fifty, if you please!----to begin then, in the -morning----A married woman may have men at her toilet, invite them -to dinner, appoint them a party, in a stage box at the play; ingross -the conversation there, call 'em by their christian names; talk -louder than the players;----From thence jaunt into the city----take -a frolicksome supper at an _India_ house----perhaps in her _gaieté -de cœur_ toast a pretty fellow--Then clatter again to this end of -the town, break with the morning, into an assembly, croud to the -hazard-table, throw a familiar _levant_ upon some sharp lurching man of -quality, and if he demands his money, turn it off with a loud laugh, -and cry----you'll owe it him to vex him! ha! ha! - -Lord _Town._ Prodigious! - - [_Aside._ - -Lady _Town._ These now, my Lord, are some few of the many modish -amusements, that distinguish the privilege of a wife, from that of a -single woman. - -Lord _Town._ Death! Madam, what law has made these liberties less -scandalous in a wife, than in an unmarried woman? - -Lady _Town._ Why, the strongest law in the world, custom----custom time -out of mind, my Lord. - -Lord _Town._ Custom, Madam, is the law of fools: but it shall never -govern me. - -Lady _Town._ Nay, then, my Lord, 'tis time for me to observe the laws -of prudence. - -Lord _Town._ I wish I could see an instance of it. - -Lady _Town._ You shall have one this moment, my Lord; for I think, when -a man begins to lose his temper at home; if a woman has any prudence, -why----she'll go abroad 'till he comes to himself again. - - [_Going._ - -Lord _Town._ Hold, Madam--I am amazed, you are not more uneasy at the -life we lead! You don't want sense; and yet seem void of all humanity: -for, with a blush I say it, I think, I have not wanted love. - -Lady _Town._ Oh! don't say that, my Lord, if you suppose I have my -senses. - -Lord _Town._ What is it I have done to you? what can you complain of? - -Lady _Town._. Oh! nothing in the least: 'Tis true, you have heard -me say; I have owed my Lord _Lurcher_ an hundred pounds these three -weeks----but what then?----a husband is not liable to his wife's debts -of honour, you know,----and if a silly woman will be uneasy about -money she can't be sued for, what's that to him? as long as he loves -her, to be sure she can have nothing to complain of. - -Lord _Town._ By heaven, if my whole fortune thrown into your lap, could -make you delight in the chearful duties of a wife, I should think -myself a gainer by the purchase. - -Lady _Town._ That is, my Lord, I might receive your whole estate, -provided you were sure I would not spend a shilling of it. - -Lord _Town._ No, Madam; were I master of your heart, your pleasures -would be mine; but different as they are, I'll feed even your follies -to deserve it----Perhaps you may have some other trifling debts of -honour abroad that keep you out of humour at home----at least it shall -not be my fault, if I have not more of your company----There, there's a -bill of five hundred----and now, Madam---- - -Lady _Town._ And now, my Lord, down to the ground I thank you----Now am -I convinc'd, were I weak enough to love this man, I should never get a -single guinea from him. - - [_Aside._ - -Lord _Town._ If it be no offence, Madam---- - -Lady _Town._ Say what you please, my Lord; I am in that harmony of -spirits, it is impossible to put me out of humour. - -Lord _Town._ How long then in reason do you think that sum ought to -last you? - -Lady _Town._ Oh, my dear, dear Lord! now you have spoiled all again! -How is it possible I should answer for an event, that so utterly -depends upon fortune? But to shew you that I am more inclined to get -money, than to throw it away----I have a strong prepossession, that -with this five hundred, I shall win five thousand. - -Lord _Town._ Madam, if you were to win ten thousand, it would be no -satisfaction to me. - -Lady _Town._ O! the churl! ten thousand! what! not so much as wish I -might win ten thousand!----Ten thousand! O! the charming sum! what -infinite pretty things might a woman of spirit do, with ten thousand -guineas! O' my conscience, if she were a woman of true spirit--she--she -might lose 'em all again. - -Lord _Town._ And I had rather it should be so, Madam; provided I could -be sure, that were the last you would lose. - -Lady _Town._ Well, my Lord, to let you see I design to play all the -good housewife I can; I am now going to a party of _Quadrille_, only -to piddle with a little of it at poor two guineas a fish, with the -Dutchess of _Quiteright_. - - [_Exit Lady ~Townly~._ - -Lord _Town._ Insensible creature! neither reproaches, or indulgence, -kindness or severity, can wake her to the least reflection! Continual -licence has lull'd her into such a lethargy of care, that she speaks -of her excesses with the same easy confidence, as if they were so many -virtues. What a turn has her head taken?----But how to cure it----I -am afraid the physic must be strong that reaches her----Lenitives, I -see, are to no purpose----take my friend's opinion----_Manly_ will -speak freely----my sister with tenderness to both sides. They know my -case----I'll talk with 'em. - - _Enter a Servant._ - -_Serv._ Mr. _Manly_, my Lord has sent to know, if your Lordship was at -home. - -Lord _Town._ They did not deny me? - -_Serv._ No, my Lord. - -Lord _Town._ Very well; step up to my sister, and say, I desire to -speak with her. - -_Serv._ Lady _Grace_ is here, my Lord. - - [_Exit Serv._ - - _Enter Lady ~Grace~._ - -Lord _Town._ So, Lady fair; what pretty weapon have you been killing -your time with! - -Lady _Grace._ A huge folio that has almost killed me--I think I have -half read my eyes out. - -Lord _Town._ O! you should not pore so much just after dinner, child. - -Lady _Grace._ That's true, but any body's thoughts are better than -always one's own, you know. - -Lord _Town._ Who's there? - - _Enter Servant._ - -Leave word at the door I am at home to nobody but Mr. _Manly_. - -Lady _Grace._ And why is he excepted, pray, my Lord? - -Lord _Town._ I hope, Madam, you have no objection to his company? - -Lady _Grace._ Your particular orders upon my being here, look, indeed, -as if you thought I had not. - -Lord _Town._ And your Ladyship's enquiry into the reason of those -orders, shews, at least, it was not a matter indifferent to you! - -Lady _Grace._ Lord! you make the oddest constructions, brother! - -Lord _Town._ Look you my grave Lady _Grace_----in one serious word--I -wish you had him. - -Lady _Grace._ I can't help that. - -Lord _Town._ Ha! you can't help it! ha! ha! The flat simplicity of that -reply was admirable! - -Lady _Grace._ Pooh! you teize one, brother! - -Lord _Town._ Come, I beg pardon, child----this is not a point, I grant -you, to trifle upon; therefore, I hope you'll give me leave to be -serious. - -Lady _Grace._ If you desire it, brother! though upon my word, as to Mr. -_Manly_'s having any serious thoughts of me--I know nothing of it. - -Lord _Town._ Well----there's nothing wrong, in your making a doubt of -it----But, in short, I find, by his conversation of late, that he has -been looking round the world for a wife; and if you were to look round -the world for a husband, he's the first man I would give to you. - -Lady _Grace._ Then, whenever he makes me an offer, brother, I will -certainly tell you of it. - -Lord _Town._ O! that's the last thing he'll do; he'll never make you an -offer, 'till he's pretty sure it won't be refus'd. - -Lady _Grace._ Now you make me curious. Pray! did he ever make an offer -of that kind to you? - -Lord _Town._ Not directly; but that imports nothing; he is a man too -well acquainted with the female world, to be brought into a high -opinion of any one woman, without some well examined proof of her -merit: Yet I have reason to believe, that your good sense, your turn -of mind, and your way of life, have brought him to so favourable a one -of you, that a few days will reduce him to talk plainly to me: Which -as yet, (notwithstanding our friendship) I have neither declin'd nor -encouraged him to. - -Lady _Grace._ I am mighty glad we are so near in our way of thinking: -For, to tell you the truth, he is much upon the same terms with me: -You know he has a satirical turn; but never lashes any folly, without -giving due encomiums to its opposite virtue: and upon such occasions, -he is sometimes particular, in turning his compliments upon me, which I -don't receive, with any reserve, lest he should imagine I take them to -myself. - -Lord _Town._ You are right, child, when a man of merit makes his -addresses: good sense may give him an answer, without scorn, or -coquetry. - -Lady _Grace._ Hush! he's here---- - - _Enter Mr. ~Manly~._ - -_Man._ My Lord! your most obedient. - -Lord _Town._ Dear _Manly_! yours----I was thinking to send to you. - -_Man._ Then, I am glad I am here, my Lord----Lady _Grace_, I kiss your -hands!----What, only you two! How many visits may a man make, before -he falls into such unfashionable company? A brother and sister soberly -sitting at home, when the whole town is a gadding! I question if there -is so particular a _tête à tête_, again, in the whole parish of St. -_James_'s. - -Lady _Grace._ Fy! fy! Mr. _Manly_; how censorious you are! - -_Man._ I had not made the reflexion, Madam, but that I saw you an -exception to it--Where's my lady? - -Lord _Town._ That I believe is impossible to guess. - -_Man._ Then I won't try, my Lord---- - -Lord _Town._ But 'tis probable I may hear of her by that time I am four -or five hours in bed. - -_Man._ Now, if that were my case, I believe I should----But I beg -pardon, my Lord. - -Lord _Town._ Indeed, Sir, you shall not: You will oblige me, if you -speak out; for it was upon this head, I wanted to see you. - -_Man._ Why, then, my Lord, since you oblige me to proceed----if that -were my case----I believe I should certainly sleep in another house. - -Lady _Grace._ How do you mean? - -_Man._ Only a compliment, Madam. - -Lady _Grace._ A compliment! - -_Man._ Yes, Madam, in rather turning myself out of doors than her. - -Lady _Grace._ Don't you think that would be going too far? - -_Man._ I don't know but it might, Madam; for in strict justice, I think -she ought rather to go than I. - -Lady _Grace._ This is new doctrine, Mr. _Manly_. - -_Man._ As old, Madam, as _Love_, _Honour_, and _Obey_! When a woman -will stop at nothing that's wrong, why should a man balance any thing -that's right. - -Lady _Grace._ Bless me, but this is fomenting things-- - -_Man._ Fomentations, Madam, are sometimes necessary to dispel rumours; -tho' I don't directly advise my Lord to do this----This is only what, -upon the same provocation, I would do myself. - -Lady _Grace._ Ay! ay! You would do! Batchelors wives, indeed, are -finely governed. - -_Man._ If the married mens were as well----I am apt to think we should -not see so many mutual plagues taking the air, in separate coaches! - -Lady _Grace._ Well! but suppose it was your own case; would you part -with a wife because she now and then stays out, in the best company? - -Lord _Town._ Well said, Lady _Grace_! come, stand up for the privilege -of your sex! This is like to be a warm debate! I shall edify. - -_Man._ Madam, I think a wife, after midnight, has no occasion to be in -better company than her husband; and that frequent unreasonable hours -make the best company----the worst company she can fall into. - -Lady _Grace._ But if people of condition are to keep company with one -another; how is it possible to be done unless one conforms to their -hours? - -_Man._ I can't find that any woman's good breeding obliges her to -conform to other people's vices. - -Lord _Town._ I doubt, child, we are got a little on the wrong side of -the question. - -Lady _Grace._ Why so, my Lord? I can't think the case so bad, as Mr. -_Manly_ states it----People of quality are not ty'd down to the rules -of those, who have their fortunes to make. - -_Man._ No people, Madam, are above being ty'd down to some rules, that -have fortunes to lose. - -Lady _Grace._ Pooh! I'm sure, if you were to take my side of the -argument, you would be able to say something more for it. - -Lord _Town._ Well, what say you to that, _Manly_? - -_Man._ Why, 'troth, my Lord, I have something to say. - -Lady _Grace._ Ay! that I would be glad to hear, now! - -Lord _Town._ Out with it! - -_Man._ Then in one word, this, my Lord, I have often thought that the -mis-conduct of my Lady has, in a great measure, been owing to your -Lordship's treatment of her. - -Lady _Grace._ Bless me! - -Lord _Town._ My treatment! - -_Man._ Ay, my Lord, you so idoliz'd her before marriage, that you even -indulg'd her like a mistress, after it; In short, you continued the -lover, when you should have taken up the husband. - -Lady _Grace._ O frightful! this is worse than t'other! can a husband -love a wife too well! - -_Man._ As easy, Madam, as a wife may love her husband too little. - -Lord _Town._ So! you two are never like to agree, I find. - -Lady _Grace._ Don't be positive, brother;----I am afraid we are both of -a mind already. [_Aside._] And do you, at this rate, ever intend to be -married, Mr. _Manly_? - -_Man._ Never, Madam; 'till I can meet a woman that likes my doctrine. - -Lady _Grace._ 'Tis pity but your mistress should hear it. - -_Man._ Pity me, Madam, when I marry the woman that won't hear it. - -Lady _Grace._ I think, at least, he can't say that's me. - - [_Aside._ - -_Man._ And so, my Lord, by giving her more power than was needful, she -has none where she wants it; having such entire possession of you, she -is not mistress of herself! And, mercy on us! how many fine womens -heads have been turn'd upon the same occasion! - -Lord _Town._ O _Manly_! 'tis too true! there's the source of my -disquiet! she knows and has abused her power: Nay, I am still so weak -(with shame I speak it) 'tis not an hour ago, that in the midst of my -impatience--I gave her another bill for five hundred to throw away. - -_Man._ Well----my Lord! to let you see I am sometimes upon the side -of good nature, I won't absolutely blame you; for the greater your -indulgence, the more you have to reproach her with. - -Lady _Grace._ Ay, Mr. _Manly_! here now, I begin to come in with you: -Who knows, my Lord, you may have a good account of your kindness! - -_Man._ That, I am afraid, we had not best depend upon: But since you -have had so much patience, my Lord, even go on with it a day or two -more; and upon her Ladyship's next sally, be a little rounder in your -expostulation; if that don't work--drop her some cool hints of a -determin'd reformation, and leave her----to breakfast upon 'em. - -Lord _Town._ You are perfectly right! how valuable is a friend, in our -anxiety! - -_Man._ Therefore to divert that, my Lord, I beg for the present, we may -call another cause. - -Lady _Grace._ Ay, for goodness sake let's have done with this. - -Lord _Town._ With all my heart. - -Lady _Grace._ Have you no news abroad, Mr. _Manly_? - -_Man._ _A propos_----I have some, Madam; and I believe, my Lord, as -extraordinary in its kind---- - -Lord _Town._ Pray let's have it. - -_Man._ Do you know that your country neighbour, and my wise kinsman, -Sir _Francis Wronghead_, is coming to town with his whole family? - -Lord _Town._ The fool! what can be his business here? - -_Man._ Oh! of the last importance, I'll assure you--No less than the -business of the nation. - -Lord _Town._ Explain! - -_Man._ He has carried his election----against Sir _John Worthland_. - -Lord _Town._ The Deuce! what! for----for---- - -_Man._ The famous borough of _Guzzledown_! - -Lord _Town._ A proper representative, indeed. - -Lady _Grace._ Pray, Mr. _Manly_, don't I know him? - -_Man._ You have din'd with him, Madam, when I was last down with my -Lord, at _Bellmont_. - -Lady _Grace._ Was not that he that got a little merry before dinner, -and overset the tea-table, in making his compliments to my Lady? - -_Man._ The same. - -Lady _Grace._ Pray what are his circumstances? I know but very little -of him. - -_Man._ Then he is worth your knowing, I can tell you, Madam. His -estate, if clear, I believe, might be a good two thousand pounds a -year: Though as it was left him, saddled with two jointures, and two -weighty mortgages upon it, there is no saying what it is----But that he -might be sure never to mend it, he married a profuse young hussy, for -love, without a penny of money! Thus having, like his brave ancestors, -provided heirs for the family (for his dove breeds like a tame pigeon) -he now finds children and interest-money make such a bawling about his -ears, that at last he has taken the friendly advice of his kinsman, the -good Lord _Danglecourt_, to run his estate two thousand pounds more in -debt, to put the whole management of what's left into _Paul Pillage_'s -hands, that he may be at leisure himself to retrieve his affairs by -being a parliament-man. - -Lord _Town._ A most admirable scheme, indeed! - -_Man._ And with this politic prospect, he's now upon his journey to -_London_---- - -Lord _Town._ What can it end in? - -_Man._ Pooh! a journey into the country again. - -Lord _Town._ And do you think he'll stir, 'till his money's gone? or at -least 'till the session is over? - -_Man._ If my intelligence is right, my Lord, he won't sit long enough -to give his vote for a turnpike. - -Lord _Town._ How so? - -_Man._ O! a bitter business! he had scarce a vote, in the whole town, -beside the returning officer: Sir _John_ will certainly have it heard -at the bar of the house, and send him about his business again. - -Lord _Town._ Then he has made a fine business of it indeed. - -_Man._ Which, as far as my little interest will go, shall be done in as -few days as possible. - -Lady _Grace._ But why would you ruin the poor gentleman's fortune, Mr. -_Manly_? - -_Man._ No, Madam, I would only spoil his project, to save his fortune. - -Lady _Grace._ How are you concern'd enough, to do either? - -_Man._ Why, I have some obligations to the family, Madam: I enjoy at -this time a pretty estate, which Sir _Francis_ was heir at law to: -But----by his being a booby, the last will of an obstinate old uncle -gave it to me. - - _Enter a Servant._ - -_Serv._ [_To ~Man~._] Sir, here's one of your servants from your house, -desires to speak with you. - -_Man._ Will you give him leave to come in, my Lord? - -Lord _Town._ Sir----the ceremony's of your own making. - - _Enter ~Manly~'s Servant._ - -_Man._ Well, _James_! what's the matter now? - -_James._ Sir, here's _John Moody_'s just come to town; he says Sir -_Francis_, and all the family, will be here to-night, and is in a great -hurry to speak with you. - -_Man._ Where is he? - -_James._ At our house, Sir: He has been gaping and stumping about the -streets, in his dirty boots, and asking every one he meets if they can -tell him where he may have a good lodging for a parliament man, 'till -he can hire a handsome whole house for himself and family, for the -winter. - -_Man._ I am afraid, my Lord, I must wait upon Mr. _Moody_. - -Lord _Town._ Pr'ythee! let's have him here: he will divert us. - -_Man._ O my Lord! he's such a cub! Not but he's so near common sense, -that he passes for a wit in the family. - -Lady _Grace._ I beg of all things we may have him: I am in love with -Nature, let her dress be never so homely. - -_Man._ Then desire him to come hither, _James_. - - [_Exit ~James~._ - -Lady _Grace._ Pray what may be Mr. _Moody_'s post? - -_Man._ Oh! his _Maître d' Hôtel_, his butler, his bailiff, his hind, -his huntsman; and sometimes----his companion. - -Lord _Town._ It runs in my head, that the moment this Knight has set -him down in the house, he will get up, to give them the earliest proof -of what importance he is to the public, in his own country. - -_Man._ Yes, and when they have heard him, he will find, that his utmost -importance stands valued at----sometimes being invited to dinner. - -Lady _Grace._ And her Ladyship will make as considerable a figure, in -her sphere too. - -_Man._ That you may depend upon; for (if I don't mistake) she has -ten times more of the jade in her, than she yet knows of; and she -will so improve in this rich soil, in a month, that she will visit -all the ladies that will let her into their houses; and run in debt -to all the shopkeepers that will let her into their books: In short, -before her important spouse has made five pounds by his eloquence at -_Westminster_, she will have lost five hundred at dice and _Quadrille_, -in the parish of St. _James_'s. - -Lord _Town._ So that, by that time he is declared unduly elected, a -swarm of duns will be ready for their money; and his worship----will be -ready for a jail. - -_Man._ Yes, yes, that I reckon will close the account of this hopeful -journey to _London_----But see, here comes the fore-horse of the team! - - _Enter John ~Moody~._ - -Oh! Honest _John_! - -_John Moody._ Ad's waunds and heart, Measter _Manly_! I'm glad I ha' -fun ye. Lawd! lawd! give me a buss! Why that's friendly naw! Flesh! -I thought we should never ha' got hither! Well! and how d'ye do, -Measter?----Good lack! I beg pardon for my bauldness----I did not see -'at his Honour was here. - -Lord _Town._ Mr. _Moody_, your servant; I am glad to see you in -_London_. I hope all the family is well. - -_John Moody._ Thanks be praised your honour, they are in pretty good -heart; thof' we have had a power of crosses upo' the road. - -Lady _Grace._ I hope my Lady has had no hurt, Mr. _Moody_. - -_John Moody._ Noa, an't please your Ladyship, she was never in better -humour: There's money enough stirring now. - -_Man._ What has been the matter, _John_? - -_John Moody._ Why, we came up in such a hurry, you mun think, that our -tackle was not so tight as it should be. - -_Man._ Come, tell us all----Pray how do they travel? - -_John Moody._ Why, i'the awld coach, Measter, and 'cause my lady -loves to do things handsom, to be sure, she would have a couple of -cart-horses clapt to th' four old geldings, that neighbours might see -she went up to _London_ in her coach and six! And so _Giles Joulter_, -the ploughman, rides postillion! - -_Man._ Very well! the journey sets out as it should do. [_Aside._] -What, do they bring all the children with them too? - -_John Moody._ Noa, noa, only the younk squoire, and Miss _Jenny_. The -other foive are all out at board, at half a crown a head, a week, with -_Joan Growse_ at _Smoke-Dunghill_ farm. - -_Man._ Good again! a right _English_ academy for younger children! - -_John Moody._ Anon, Sir. - - [_Not understanding him._ - -Lady _Grace._ Poor souls! What will become of 'em? - -_John Moody._ Nay, nay, for that matter, Madam, they are in very good -hands: _Joan_ loves 'em as thof' they were all her own: For she was -wet-nurse to every mother's babe of 'um----Ay, ay, they'll ne'er want -for a full belly there! - -Lady _Grace._ What simplicity! - -_Man._ The Lud 'a mercy on all good folks! what work will these people -make! - - [_Holding up his hands._ - -Lord _Town._ And when do you expect him here, _John_? - -_John Moody._ Why we were in hopes to ha' come yesterday, an' it had -no' been, that th' owld wheaze-belly horse tir'd: And then we were so -cruelly loaden, that the two fore wheels came crash! down at once, in -_Waggon-Rut Lane_, and there we lost four hours 'fore we could set -things to rights again. - -_Man._ So they bring all their baggage with the coach then? - -_John Moody._ Ay, ay, and good store on't there is----Why my lady's -geer alone were as much as fill'd four portmantel trunks, besides the -great deal-box, that heavy _Ralph_ and the monkey sit upon behind. - -Lord _Town_, Lady _Grace_, and _Man._ Ha! ha, ha! - -Lady _Grace._ Well, Mr. _Moody_, and pray how many are they within the -coach? - -_John Moody._ Why there's my Lady and his Worship; and the younk -squoire, and Miss _Jenny_, and the fat lap-dog, and my lady's maid, -Mrs. _Handy_, and _Doll Tripe_ the cook, that's all----Only _Doll_ -puked a little with riding backward, so they hoisted her into the -coach-box--and then her stomach was easy. - -Lady _Grace._ Oh! I see 'em! I see 'em go by me. Ah! ha! - - [_Laughing._ - -_John Mood._ Then you mun think, measter, there was some stowage -for the belly, as well as th' back too; such cargoes of plumb-cake, -and baskets of tongues, and biscuits and cheese, and cold boil'd -beef----And then in case of sickness, bottles of cherry-brandy, -plague-water, sack, tent and strong-beer so plenty as made th' owld -coach crack again! Mercy upon them! and send 'em all well to town, I -say. - -_Man._ Ay! And well out on't again, _John_. - -_John Mood._ Ods bud! measter, you're a wise mon; and for that matter, -so am I--Whoam's whoam, I say: I'm sure we got but little good, e'er -sin' we turn'd our backs on't. Nothing but mischief! Some Devil's trick -or other plagued us, aw th' dey lung! Crack goes one thing: Bawnce! -goes another. Woa, says _Roger_----Then souse! we are all set fast in a -slough, Whaw! cries Miss! Scream go the maids! and bawl! just as thof' -they were stuck! and so, mercy on us! this was the trade from morning -to night. But my Lady was in such a murrain haste to be here, that set -out she would, thof' I told her it was _Childermas_ day. - -_Man._ These ladies, these ladies, _John_---- - -_John Mood._ Ah, measter, I ha' seen a little of 'em; and I find that -the best----when she's mended, won't ha' much goodness to spare. - -Lord _Town._ Well said, _John_. Ha! ha! - -_Man._ I hope at least that you and your good woman agree still. - -_John Mood._ Ay! ay! much of a muchness. _Bridget_ sticks to me: -Tho' as for her goodness--why, she was willing to come to _London_ -too----But hawld a bit! Noa, noa, says I, there may be mischief enough -done without you. - -_Man._ Why that was bravely spoken, _John_, and like a man. - -_John Mood._ Ah, weast heart, were Measter but hawf the Mon that I -am----Ods wookers! thof' he'll speak stawtly too sometimes----But then -he conno' hawld it----no! he conno' hawld it. - -Lord _Town._ Lady _Grace_. - -_Man._ Ha! ha! ha! - -_John Mood._ Ods flesh! But I mun hye me whoam! th' Coach will be -coming every hour naw----but Measter charg'd me to find your Worship -out; for he has hugey business with you; and will certainly wait upon -you, by that time he can put on a clean neckcloth. - -_Man._ O _John_! I'll wait upon him. - -_John Mood._ Why you wonno' be so kind, wull ye? - -_Man._ If you'll tell me where you lodge. - -_John Mood._ Just i'th' street next to where your Worship dwells, -the sign of the _Golden Ball_----It's Gold all over; where they sell -ribbands and flappits, and other sort of geer for Gentlewomen. - -_Man._ A Milliner's? - -_John Mood._ Ay, ay, one Mrs. _Motherly_: Waunds! she has a couple of -clever girls there stitching i'th' foreroom. - -_Man._ Yes, yes, she's a woman of good business, no doubt on't----Who -recommended that house to you, _John_? - -_John Mood._ The greatest good fortune in the world, sure! For as I was -gaping about streets, who should look out of the window there, but the -fine Gentleman, that was always riding by our Coach side, at _York_ -Races----Count----_Basset_; ay, that's he. - -_Man._ _Basset_? Oh, I remember; I know him by sight. - -_John Mood._ Well! to be sure, as civil a Gentleman, to see to---- - -_Man._ As any sharper in town. - - [_Aside._ - -_John Mood._ At York, he us'd to breakfast with my Lady every morning. - -_Man._ Yes, yes, and I suppose her Ladyship will return his compliment -here in town. - - [_Aside._ - -_John Mood._ Well, Measter---- - -Lord _Town._ My Service to Sir _Francis_ and my Lady, _John_. - -Lady _Grace._ And mine, pray Mr. _Moody_. - -_John Mood._ Ay, your honors, they'll be proud on't, I dare say. - -_Man._ I'll bring my compliments myself: So, honest _John_---- - -_John Mood._ Dear Measter _Manly_! the goodness of goodness bless and -preserve you. - - [_Exit ~John Moody~._ - -Lord _Town._ What a natural creature 'tis! - -Lady _Grace._ Well! I can't but think _John_, in a wet afternoon in the -country, must be very good company. - -Lord _Town._ O! the _Tramontane_! If this were known at half the -_quadrille_-tables in town, they would lay down their cards to laugh at -you. - -Lady _Grace._ And the minute they took them up again they would do the -same at the losers----But to let you see, that I think good company may -sometimes want cards to keep them together: what think you if we three -sat soberly down, to kill an hour at _Ombre_? - -_Man._ I shall be too hard for you, Madam. - -Lady _Grace._ No matter! I shall have as much advantage of my Lord, as -you have of me. - -Lord _Town._ Say you so, Madam? Have at you then! Here! get the -_ombre_-table, and cards. - - [_Exit Lord ~Townly~._ - -Lady _Grace._ Come, Mr. _Manly_----I know you don't forgive me now! - -_Man._ I don't know whether I ought to forgive your thinking so, Madam. -Where do you imagine I could pass my time so agreeably? - -Lady _Grace._ I'm sorry my Lord is not here to take share of the -compliment----But he'll wonder what's become of us! - -_Man._ I'll follow in a moment, Madam---- - - [_Exit ~Lady Grace~._ - -It must be so----she sees I love her----yet with what unoffending -decency she avoids an explanation! How amiable is every hour of her -conduct? What a vile opinion have I had of the whole sex, for these -ten years past, which this sensible creature has recovered in less -than one? Such a companion, sure, might compensate all the irksome -disappointments, that pride, folly and falshood ever gave me! - - Could women regulate, like her, their lives, - What _Halcyon_ days were in the gift of wives! - Vain rovers, then, might envy what they hate; - And only fools would mock the married state. - - [_Exit._ - - - - -+ACT+ II. +SCENE+ I. - - +SCENE+, _Mrs._ Motherly's _House_. - - - _Enter Count ~Basset~ and Mrs. ~Motherly~._ - -Count _Bas._ I tell you there is not such a family in _England_, for -you! do you think I would have gone out of your lodgings for any body, -that was not sure to make you easy for the winter? - -_Moth._ Nay, I see nothing against it, Sir, but the gentleman's being a -parliament man: and when people may, as it were, think one impertinent, -or be out of humour, you know, when a body comes to ask for one's -own---- - -Count _Bas._ Psha! Pr'ythee never trouble thy head--His pay is as good -as the bank!----Why, he has above two thousand a year! - -_Moth._ Alas-a-day! that's nothing: Your people of ten thousand a year, -have ten thousand things to do with it. - -Count _Bas._ Nay, if you are afraid of being out of your money; what do -you think of going a little with me, Mrs. _Motherly_? - -_Moth._ As how? - -Count _Bas._ Why I have a game in my head, in which, if you'll croup -me, that is, help me to play it, you shall go five hundred to nothing. - -_Moth._ Say you so?----Why then, I go, Sir----and now pray let's see -your game. - -Count _Bas._ Look you, in one word my cards lie thus--When I was down -this summer at _York_, I happened to lodge in the same house with this -Knight's lady, that's now coming to lodge with you. - -_Moth._ Did you so, Sir? - -Count _Bas._ And sometimes had the honour to breakfast, and pass an -idle hour with her---- - -_Moth._ Very good; and here I suppose you would have the impudence to -sup, and be busy with her. - -Count _Bas._ Psha! pr'ythee hear me! - -_Moth._ Is this your game? I would not give sixpence for it! What, you -have a passion for her pin-money----no, no, country ladies are not so -flush of it. - -Count _Bas._ Nay, if you won't have patience---- - -_Moth._ One had need of a great deal, I am sure, to hear you talk at -this rate! Is this your way of making my poor _Myrtilla_ easy? - -Count _Bas._ Death! I shall do it still, if the woman will but let me -speak---- - -_Moth._ Had not you a letter from her this morning? - -Count _Bas._ I have it here in my pocket--this is it. - - [_Shews it, and puts it up again._ - -_Moth._ Ay, but I don't find you have made any answer to it. - -Count _Bas._ How the devil can I, if you won't hear me! - -_Moth._ What! hear you talk of another woman? - -Count _Bas._ O lud! O lud! I tell you, I'll make her fortune----'Ounds! -I'll marry her. - -_Moth._ A likely matter! if you would not do it when she was a maid, -your stomach is not so sharp set now, I presume. - -Count _Bas._ Hey day! why your blood begins to turn, my dear! the -devil! you did not think I proposed to marry her myself! - -_Moth._ If you don't, who the devil do you think will marry her? - -Count _Bas._ Why, a fool---- - -_Moth._ Humph! there may be sense in that---- - -Count _Bas._ Very good----One for t'other then; if I can help her to a -husband, why should not you come into my scheme of helping me to a wife? - -_Moth._ Your pardon, Sir! ay! ay! in an honourable affair, you know you -may command me----but pray where is this blessed wife and husband to be -had? - -Count _Bas._ Now have a little patience----You must know then, this -country Knight, and his lady, bring up, in the coach with them, their -eldest son and a daughter, to teach them to----wash their faces, and -turn their toes out. - -_Moth._ Good! - -Count _Bas._ The son is an unlick'd whelp, about sixteen, just taken -from school; and begins to hanker after every wench in the family: The -daughter much of the same age, a pert, forward hussy, who having eight -thousand pound left her by an old doating grandmother, seems to have a -devilish mind to be doing in her way too. - -_Moth._ And your design is to put her into business for life? - -Count _Bas._ Look you, in short, Mrs. _Motherly_, we gentlemen whose -occasional chariots roll, only, upon the four aces, are liable -sometimes you know, to have a wheel out of order: Which, I confess, is -so much my case at present, that my dapple greys are reduced to a pair -of ambling chairmen: Now, if with your assistance, I can whip up this -young jade into a hackney-coach, I may chance, in a day or two after, -to carry her in my own chariot _en famille_, to an opera. Now what do -you say to me? - -_Moth._ Why, I shall not sleep--for thinking of it. But how will you -prevent the family's smoaking your design? - -Count _Bas._ By renewing my addresses to the mother. - -_Moth._ And how will the daughter like that, think you? - -Count _Bas._ Very well----whilst it covers her own affair. - -_Moth._ That's true----it must do----but, as you say, one for t'other, -Sir, I stick to that--if you don't do my niece's business with the son, -I'll blow you with the daughter, depend upon't. - -Count _Bas._ It's a bett--pay as we go, I tell you, and the five -hundred shall be staked in a third hand. - -_Moth._ That's honest----But here comes my niece! shall we let her into -the secret? - -Count _Bas._ Time enough! may be I may touch upon it. - - _Enter ~Myrtilla~._ - -_Moth._ So, niece, are all the rooms done out, and the beds sheeted? - -_Myr._ Yes, Madam, but Mr. _Moody_ tells us the lady always burns wax, -in her own chamber, and we have none in the house. - -_Moth._ Odso! then I must beg your pardon, Count; this is a busy time, -you know. - - [_Exit Mrs. ~Motherly~._ - -Count _Bas._ _Myrtilla_! how dost do, child? - -_Myr._ As well as a losing gamester can. - -Count _Bas._ Why, what have you lost? - -_Myr._ What I shall never recover; and what's worse, you that have won -it, don't seem to be much the better for't. - -Count _Bas._ Why child, dost thou ever see any body overjoyed for -winning a deep stake, six months after 'tis over? - -_Myr._ Would I had never play'd for it! - -Count _Bas._ Psha! Hang these melancholy thoughts; we may be friends -still. - -_Myr._ Dull ones. - -Count _Bas._ Useful ones perhaps----suppose I should help thee to a -good husband? - -_Myr._ I suppose you think any one good enough that will take me off -your hands. - -Count _Bas._ What do you think of the young country 'Squire, the heir -of the family, that's coming to lodge here? - -_Myr._ How should I know what to think of him? - -Count _Bas._ Nay, I only give you the hint, child; it may be worth your -while, at least, to look about you--Hark! what bustle's that without. - - _Enter Mrs. ~Motherly~ in haste._ - -_Moth._ Sir! Sir! the gentleman's coach is at the door! they are all -come! - -Count _Bas._ What, already? - -_Moth._ They are just getting out!----won't you step and lead in my -Lady? Do you be in the way, Niece! I must run and receive them. - - [_Exit Mrs. ~Motherly~._ - -Count _Bas._ And think of what I told you. - - [_Exit ~Count~._ - -_Myr._ Ay! ay! you have left me enough to think of, as long as I -live----a faithless fellow! I'm sure I have been true to him; and for -that very reason, he wants to be rid of me: But while women are weak, -men will be rogues! And for a bane to both their joys and ours; when -our vanity indulges them, in such innocent favours as make them adore -us; we can never be well, 'till we grant them the very one, that puts -an end to their devotion--But here comes my aunt, and the company. - - _Mrs. ~Motherly~ returns shewing in Lady ~Wronghead~, - led by Count ~Basset~._ - -_Moth._ If your Ladyship pleases to walk into this parlour, Madam, only -for the present, 'till your servants have got all your things in. - -Lady _Wrong._ Well! dear Sir, this is so infinitely obliging!--I -protest it gives me pain tho' to turn you out of your lodging thus! - -Count _Bas._ No trouble in the least, Madam; we single fellows are soon -mov'd; besides, Mrs. _Motherly_'s my old acquaintance, and I could not -be her hindrance. - -_Moth._ The Count is so well bred, Madam, I dare say he would do a -great deal more, to accommodate your Ladyship. - -Lady _Wrong._ O dear Madam!----A good well bred sort of woman. - - [_Apart to the ~Count~._ - -Count _Bas._ O Madam, she is very much among people of quality, she is -seldom without them, in her house. - -Lady _Wrong._ Are there a good many people of quality in this street, -Mrs. _Motherly_? - -_Moth._ Now your Ladyship is here, Madam, I don't believe there is a -house without them. - -Lady _Wrong._ I am mighty glad of that: for really I think people of -quality should always live among one another. - -Count _Bas._ 'Tis what one would choose indeed, Madam. - -Lady _Wrong._ Bless me! but where are the children all this while? - -_Moth._ Sir _Francis_, Madam, I believe is taking care of them. - -Sir _Fran._ [_Within._] _John Moody_! stay you by the coach, and see -all our things out--Come, children. - -_Moth._ Here they are, Madam. - - _Enter Sir ~Francis~, Squire ~Richard~, and Miss ~Jenny~._ - -Sir _Fran._ Well, Count! I mun say it, this was koynd, indeed! - -Count _Bas._ Sir _Francis_! give me leave to bid you welcome to -_London_. - -Sir _Fran._ Psha! how dost do, mon----waunds, I'm glad to see thee! A -good sort of a house this! - -Count _Bas._ Is not that master _Richard_? - -Sir _Fran._ Ey! ey! that's young hopeful----why dost not baw, _Dick_? - -Squ. _Rich._ So I do, feyther. - -Count _Bas._ Sir I'm glad to see you----I protest Mrs. _Jane_ is grown -so, I should not have known her. - -Sir _Fran._ Come forward, _Jenny_. - -_Jenny._ Sure, papa, do you think I don't know how to behave myself? - -Count _Bas._ If I have permission to approach her, Sir _Francis_. - -_Jenny._ Lord, Sir, I'm in such a frightful pickle---- - - [_Salute._ - -Count _Bas._ Every dress that's proper must become you, Madam,----you -have been a long journey. - -_Jenny._ I hope you will see me in a better, to-morrow, Sir. - - [_Lady ~Wrong.~ whispers Mrs. ~Moth.~ pointing to ~Myrtilla~._ - -_Moth._ Only a niece of mine, Madam, that lives with me: she will be -proud to give your Ladyship any assistance in her power. - -Lady _Wrong._ A pretty sort of a woman.----_Jenny_, you two must be -acquainted. - -_Jenny._ O, Mama! I am never strange, in a strange place! - - [_Salutes ~Myrtilla~._ - -_Myr._ You do me a great deal of honour, Madam----Madam, your -Ladyship's welcome to _London_. - -_Jenny._ Mama! I like her prodigiously! she call'd me my Ladyship. - -Squ. _Rich._ Pray mother, mayn't I be acquainted with her too! - -Lady _Wrong._ You, you clown! stay 'till you learn a little more -breeding first. - -Sir _Fran._ Od's heart! my Lady _Wronghead_! why do you balk the lad? -how should he ever learn breeding, if he does not put himself forward? - -Squ. _Rich._ Why ay, feather, does moather think 'at I'd be uncivil to -her? - -_Myr._ Master has so much good-humour, Madam, he would soon gain upon -any body. - - [_He kisses ~Myr~._ - -Squ. _Rich._ Lo' you there, Moather: and you would but be quiet, she -and I should do well enough. - -Lady _Wrong._ Why, how now, sirrah! Boys must not be so familiar. - -Squ. _Rich._ Why, an' I know nobody, haw the murrain mun I pass my time -here, in a strange place? Naw you and I and sister, forsooth, sometimes -in an afternoon moy play at one and thirty bone-ace, purely. - -_Jenny._ Speak for yourself, Sir! D'ye think I play at such clownish -games? - -Squ. _Rich._ Why and you woant yo' ma' let it aloane; then she, and I, -mayhap, will have a bawt at All-fours, without you. - -Sir _Fran._ Noa! Noa! _Dick_, that won't do neither; you mun learn to -make one at Ombre, here, Child. - -_Myr._ If Master pleases, I'll shew it him. - -Squ. _Rich._ What! the _Humber_! Hoy day! why does our River run to -this Tawn, Feather? - -Sir _Fran._ Pooh! you silly Tony! Ombre is a geam at cards, that the -better sort of people play three together at. - -Squ. _Rich._ Nay the moare the merrier, I say; but Sister is always so -cross grain'd---- - -_Jenny._ Lord! this Boy is enough to deaf people----and one has really -been stuft up in a Coach so long, that----Pray Madam----could not I -get a little powder for my hair? - -_Myr._ If you please to come along with me, Madam. - - [_Exeunt ~Myr.~ and ~Jenny~._ - -Squ. _Rich._ What, has Sister ta'en her away naw! mess, I'll go and -have a little game with 'em. - - [_Ex. after them._ - -Lady _Wrong._ Well, Count, I hope you won't so far change your -lodgings, but you will come, and be at home here sometimes? - -Sir _Fran._ Ay, ay! pr'ythee come and take a bit of mutton with us, naw -and tan, when thouh'st nowght to do. - -Count _Bas._ Well, Sir _Francis_, you shall find I'll make but very -little ceremony. - -Sir _Fran._ Why ay naw, that's hearty! - -_Moth._ Will your Ladyship please to refresh yourself, with a dish of -tea, after your fatigue? I think I have pretty good. - -Lady _Wrong._ If you please, Mrs. _Motherly_; but I believe we had best -have it above stairs. - -_Moth._ Very well, Madam: it shall be ready immediately. - - [_Exit Mrs. ~Motherly~._ - -Lady _Wrong._ Won't you walk up, Sir? - -Sir _Fran._ _Moody!_ - -Count _Bas._ Shan't we stay for Sir _Francis_, Madam? - -Lady _Wrong._ Lard! don't mind him! he will come if he likes it. - -_Sir Fran._ Ay, ay! ne'er heed me----I ha' things to look after. - - [_Exeunt Lady ~Wrong.~ and ~Count Bas~._ - - _Enter ~John Moody~._ - -_John Moody._ Did you Worship want muh? - -Sir _Fran._ Ay, is the coach clear'd? and all our things in? - -_John Moody._ Aw but a few band-boxes, and the nook that's left o'th' -goose poy----But a plague on him, th' Monkey has gin us the slip, I -think----I suppose he's goon to see his relations; for here looks to be -a power of 'um in this town----but heavy _Ralph_ is skawer'd after him. - -Sir _Fran._ Why, let him go to the Devil! no matter, and the hawnds -had had him a month agoe----but I wish the coach and horses were got -safe to th' Inn! This is a sharp tawn, we mun look about us here, -_John_, therefore I would have you go alung with _Roger_, and see that -nobody runs away with them before they get to their stable. - -_John Moody._ Alas-a-day, Sir: I believe our awld cattle woant yeasily -be run away with to-night--but howsomdever, we'st ta' the best care we -can of um, poor sawls. - -Sir _Francis._ Well, well! make hast then---- - - [_~Moody~ goes out, and returns._ - -_John Moody._ Ods Flesh! here's Master _Monly_ come to wait upo' your -Worship! - -Sir _Fran._ Wheere is he? - -_John Moody._ Just coming in at threshould. - -Sir _Fran._ Then goa about your Business. - - [_Ex. ~Moody~._ - - _Enter ~Manly~._ - -Cousin _Monly._ Sir, I am your very humble servant. - -_Man._ I heard you were come, Sir _Francis_--and-- - -Sir _Fran._ Ods-heart! this was so kindly done of you naw. - -_Man._ I wish you may think it so, Cousin! for I confess, I should have -been better-pleas'd to have seen you in any other place. - -Sir _Fran._ How soa, Sir? - -_Man._ Nay, 'tis for your own sake: I'm not concern'd. - -Sir _Fran._ Look you, Cousin! thof' I know you wish me well; yet I -don't question I shall give you such weighty reasons for what I have -done, that you will say, Sir, this is the wisest Journey that ever I -made in my life. - -_Man._ I think it ought to be, Cousin; for I believe, you will find -it the most expensive one--your Election did not cost you a trifle, I -suppose. - -Sir _Fran._ Why ay! it's true! That--that did lick a little; but if a -man's wise, (and I han't fawn'd yet that I'm a fool) there are ways, -Cousin, to lick one's self whole again. - -_Man._ Nay if you have that secret---- - -Sir _Fran._ Don't you be fearful, Cousin----you'll find that I know -something. - -_Man._ If it be any thing for your good, I should be glad to know it -too. - -Sir _Fran._ In short then, I have a friend in a corner, that has let me -a little into what's what, at _Westminster_----that's one thing. - -_Man._ Very well! but what good is that to do you? - -Sir _Fran._ Why not me, as much as it does other folks? - -_Man._ Other people, I doubt, have the advantage of different -qualifications. - -Sir _Fran._ Why ay! there's it naw! you'll say that I have lived all my -days i'the country----what then----I'm o'the _Quorum_----I have been at -Sessions, and I have made Speeches there! ay, and at Vestry too----and -may hap they may find here,----that I have brought my tongue up to town -with me! D'ye take me, naw? - -_Man._ If I take your case right, Cousin; I am afraid the first -occasion you will have for your eloquence here, will be, to shew that -you have any right to make use of it at all. - -Sir _Fran._ How d'ye mean? - -_Man._ That Sir _John Worthland_ has lodg'd a Petition against you. - -Sir _Fran._ Petition! why ay! there let it lie----we'll find a way to -deal with that, I warrant you!----why, you forget, Cousin, Sir _John_'s -o'the wrong side, Mon. - -_Man._ I doubt Sir _Francis_, that will do you but little service; for -in cases very notorious (which I take yours to be) there is such a -thing as a short day, and dispatching them immediately. - -Sir _Fran._ With all my heart! the sooner I send him home again the -better. - -_Man._ And this is the scheme you have laid down, to repair your -fortune? - -Sir _Fran._ In one word, Cousin, I think it my duty! the _Wrongheads_ -have been a considerable Family, ever since _England_ was _England_; -and since the World knows I have talents where withal, they shan't say -it's my fault, if I don't make as good a figure as any that ever were -at the head on't. - -_Man._ Nay! this project, as you have laid it, will come up to any -thing your Ancestors have done these five hundred years. - -Sir _Fran._ And let me alone to work it! mayhap I hav'n't told you all, -neither---- - -_Man._ You astonish me! what! and is it full as practicable as what you -have told me! - -Sir _Fran._ Ay! thof' I say it----every whit, Cousin? you'll find that -I have more irons i'the fire than one! I doan't come of a fool's errand! - -_Man._ Very well. - -Sir _Fran._ In a word, my wife has got a friend at Court, as well as -myself, and her daughter _Jenny_ is naw pretty well grown up---- - -_Man._ [_Aside._]--And what in the Devil's name would he do with the -Dowdy? - -Sir _Fran._ Naw, if I doan't lay in for a husband for her, mayhap -i'this Tawn, she may be looking out for herself---- - -_Man._ Not unlikely. - -Sir _Fran._ Therefore I have some thoughts of getting her to be Maid of -Honour. - -_Man._ [_Aside._]--Oh! he has taken my breath away! but I must hear -him out----Pray, Sir _Francis_, do you think her education has yet -qualified her for a Court? - -Sir _Fran._ Why, the Girl is a little too mettlesome, it's true! but -she has tongue enough: She woan't be dasht! Then she shall learn to -daunce forthwith, and that will soon teach her how to stond still, you -know. - -_Man._ Very well; but when she is thus accomplish'd, you must still -wait for a vacancy. - -Sir _Fran._ Why I hope one has a good chance for that every day, -Cousin! For if I take it right, that's a post, that folks are not -more willing to get into, than they are to get out of--It's like an -Orange-tree, upon that accawnt----it will bear blossoms, and fruit -that's ready to drop, at the same time. - -_Man._ Well, Sir, you best know how to make good your pretensions! But -pray where is my Lady, and my young Cousins? I should be glad to see -them too. - -Sir _Fran._ She is but just taking a dish of tea with the Count, and my -Landlady--I'll call her dawn. - -_Man._ No, no, if she's engag'd, I shall call again. - -Sir _Fran._ Ods-heart! but you mun see her naw, Cousin; what! the -best Friend I have in the World!----Here! Sweet-heart! [_To a Servant -without._] pr'ythee desire my Lady, and the Gentleman to come down a -bit; tell her here's Cousin _Manly_ come to wait upon her. - -_Man._ Pray, Sir, who may the Gentleman be? - -Sir _Fran._ You mun know him to be sure; why it's Count _Basset_. - -_Man._ Oh! is it he?--Your Family will be infinitely happy in his -acquaintance. - -Sir _Fran._ Troth! I think so too: He's the civilest Man that ever I -knew in my life----why! here he would go out of his own lodging, at an -hour's warning, purely to oblige my family. Wasn't that kind, naw? - -_Man._ Extremely civil--the Family is in admirable hands already. - -Sir _Fran._ Then my Lady likes him hugely--all the time of _York_ -Races, she would never be without him. - -_Man._ That was happy, indeed! and a prudent Man, you know, should -always take care that his Wife may have innocent company. - -Sir _Fran._ Why ay! that's it! and I think there could not be such -another. - -_Man._ Why truly, for her purpose, I think not. - -Sir _Fran._ Only naw and tan, he--he stonds a leetle too much upon -ceremony; that's his fault. - -_Man._ O never fear! he'll mend that every day----Mercy on us! what a -head he has! - -Sir _Fran._ So! here they come! - - _Enter Lady ~Wronghead~, Count ~Basset~, and Mrs. ~Motherly~._ - -Lady _Wrong._ Cousin _Manly_! this is infinitely obliging! I am -extremely glad to see you. - -_Man._ Your most obedient Servant, Madam; I am glad to see your -Ladyship look so well, after your Journey. - -Lady _Wrong._ Why really! coming to _London_ is apt to put a little -more life in one's looks. - -_Man._ Yet the way of living here, is very apt to deaden the -complexion----and give me leave to tell you, as a friend, Madam, you -are come to the worst place in the world, for a good woman to grow -better in. - -Lady _Wrong._ Lord, Cousin! how should people ever make any figure in -life, that are always moap'd up in the country? - -Count _Bas._ Your Ladyship certainly takes the thing in a quite right -light, Madam: Mr. _Manly_, your humble Servant----a hem. - -_Man._ Familiar Puppy. [_Aside._] Sir, your most obedient----I must be -civil to the Rascal, to cover my suspicion of him. - - [_Aside._ - -Count _Bas._ Was you at _White_'s this morning, Sir? - -_Man._ Yes, Sir, I just call'd in. - -Count _Bas._ Pray--what--was there any thing done there? - -_Man._ Much as usual, Sir; the same daily carcases, and the same crows -about them. - -Count _Bas._ The _Demoivre_-Baronet had a bloody tumble yesterday. - -_Man._ I hope, Sir, you had your share of him. - -Count _Bas._ No, faith! I came in when it was all over----I think I -just made a couple of Bets with him, took up a cool hundred, and so -went to the _King's Arms_. - -Lady _Wrong._ What a genteel, easy manner he has! - - [_Aside._ - -_Man._ A very hopeful acquaintance I have made here. - - [_Aside._ - - _Enter Squire ~Richard~, with a wet brown Paper on his - face._ - -Sir _Fran._ How naw, _Dick_! what's the matter with thy forehead, Lad? - -Squ. _Rich._ I ha' gotten a knuck upon't. - -Lady _Wrong._ And how did you come by it, you heedless creature? - -Squ. _Rich._ Why, I was but running after sister, and t'other young -woman, into a little room just naw: and so with that, they flapt the -door full in my feace, and gave me such a whurr here--I thought they -had beaten my brains out! so I gut a dab of wet brown paper here, to -swage it a while. - -Lady _Wrong._ They serv'd you right enough! will you never have done -with your horse-play? - -Sir _Fran._ Pooh! never heed it, Lad! it will be well by to-morrow--the -Boy has a strong head! - -_Man._ Yes, truly, his skull seems to be of a comfortable thickness. - - [_Aside._ - -Sir _Fran._ Come, _Dick_, here's Cousin _Manly_----Sir, this is your -God-son. - -Lady _Wrong._ Oh! here's my daughter too. - - _Enter Miss ~Jenny~._ - -Squ. _Rich._ Honour'd Gudfeyther! I crave leave to ask your blessing. - -_Man._ Thou hast it, Child----and if it will do thee any good, may it -be to make thee, at least, as wise a man as thy father. - -Lady _Wrong._ Miss _Jenny_! don't you see your cousin, Child? - -_Man._ And for thee, my pretty Dear--[_Salutes her._] may'st thou be, -at least, as good a woman as thy mother. - -_Jenny._ I wish I may ever be so handsome, Sir. - -_Man._ Hah! Miss Pert! Now that's a thought, that seems to have been -hatcht in the girl on this side _Highgate_. - - [_Aside._ - -Sir _Fran._ Her tongue is a little nimble, Sir. - -Lady _Wrong._ That's only from her country education, Sir _Francis_. -You know she has been kept too long there----so I brought her to -_London_, Sir, to learn a little more reserve and modesty. - -_Man._ O, the best place in the world for it--every woman she meets -will teach her something of it----There's the good gentlewoman of the -house, looks like a knowing person; even she perhaps will be so good as -to shew her a little _London_ behaviour. - -_Moth._ Alas, Sir, Miss won't stand long in need of my instructions. - -_Man._ That I dare say: What thou can'st teach her, she will soon be -Mistress of. - - [_Aside._ - -_Moth._ If she does, Sir, they shall always be at her service. - -Lady _Wrong._ Very obliging indeed, Mrs. _Motherly_. - -Sir _Fran._ Very kind and civil, truly----I think we are got into a -mighty good hawse here. - -_Man._ O yes, and very friendly company. - -Count _Bas._ Humh! I'gad I don't like his looks----he seems a little -smoky----I believe I had as good brush off----If I stay, I don't know -but he may ask me some odd questions. - -_Man._ Well, Sir, I believe you and I do but hinder the family---- - -Count _Bas._ It's very true, Sir--I was just thinking of going----He -don't care to leave me, I see: But it's no matter, we have time enough. -[_Aside._] And so Ladies, without ceremony, your humble Servant. - - [_Exit Count ~Basset~, and drops a Letter._ - -Lady _Wrong._ Ha! what Paper's this? Some Billet-doux I'll lay my life, -but this is no place to examine it. - - [_Puts it in her Pocket._ - -Sir _Fran._ Why in such haste, Cousin? - -_Man._ O! my Lady must have a great many affairs upon her hands, after -such a journey. - -Lady _Wrong._ I believe, Sir, I shall not have much less every day, -while I stay in this town, of one sort or other. - -_Man._ Why truly, Ladies seldom want employment here, Madam. - -_Jenny._ And Mamma did not come to it to be idle, Sir. - -_Man._ Nor you neither, I dare say, my young Mistress. - -_Jenny._ I hope not, Sir. - -_Man._ Ha! Miss Mettle!----Where are you going Sir? - -Sir _Fran._ Only to see you to the door, Sir. - -_Man._ Oh! Sir Francis, I love to come and go, without ceremony. - -Sir _Fran._ Nay, Sir, I must do as you will have me--your humble -Servant. - - [_Exit ~Manly~._ - -_Jenny._ This Cousin _Manly_, Papa, seems to be but of an odd sort of a -crusty humour----I don't like him half so well as the Count. - -Sir _Fran._ Pooh! that's another thing, Child----Cousin is a little -proud indeed! but however you must always be civil to him, for he has a -deal of money; and no body knows who he may give it to. - -Lady _Wrong._ Pshah; a fig for his money, you have so many projects -of late about money, since you are a Parliament Man: What! we must -make ourselves slaves to his impertinent humours, eight, or ten years -perhaps, in hopes to be his heirs, and then he will be just old enough -to marry his maid. - -_Moth._ Nay, for that matter, Madam, the town says he is going to be -married already. - -Sir _Fran._ Who? Cousin _Manly_? - -Lady _Wrong._ To whom, pray? - -_Moth._ Why, is it possible your Ladyship should know nothing of -it!----to my Lord _Townly_'s sister, Lady _Grace_. - -Lady _Wrong._ Lady _Grace_? - -_Moth._ Dear Madam, it has been in the New-Papers! - -Lady _Wrong._ I don't like that neither. - -Sir _Fran._ Naw, I do; for then it's likely it mayn't be true. - -Lady _Wrong._ [_Aside._] If it is not too far gone; at least it may be -worth one's while to throw a rub in his way. - -Squ. _Rich._ Pray, Feyther, haw lung will it be to supper? - -Sir _Fran._ Odso! that's true! step to the Cook, Lad, and ask what she -can get us? - -_Moth._ If you please, Sir, I'll order one of my maids to shew her -where she may have any thing you have a mind to. - -Sir _Fran._ Thank you kindly, Mrs. _Motherly_. - -Squ. _Rich._ Ods-flesh! what, is not it i'the hawse yet----I shall be -famisht----but howld! I'll go and ask _Doll_, an there's none o'the -goose poy left. - -Sir _Fran._ Do so, and do'st hear, _Dick_----see if there's e'er a -bottle o'th' strong beer that came i'th' coach with us----if there be, -clap a toast in it, and bring it up. - -Squ. _Rich._ With a little nutmeg and sugar, shawn't I, Feyther? - -Sir _Fran._ Ay! ay! as thee and I always drink it for breakfast--Go -thy ways!----and I'll fill a pipe i'th' mean while. [_Takes one from a -Pocket-Case, and fills it._] - - [_Exit Squ. ~Rich~._ - -Lady _Wrong._ This Boy is always thinking of his belly! - -Sir _Fran._ Why my Dear, you may allow him to be a little hungry after -his journey. - -Lady _Wrong._ Nay, ev'n breed him your own way--He has been cramming in -or out of the coach all this day I am sure--I wish my poor Girl could -eat a quarter as much. - -_Jenny._ O for that I could eat a great deal more, Mamma; but then -mayhap, I should grow coarse, like him, and spoil my shape. - -Lady _Wrong._ Ay, so thou would'st, my Dear. - - _Enter Squire ~Richard~ with a full Tankard._ - -Squ. _Rich._ Here, Feyther, I ha' browght it----it's well I went as I -did; for our _Doll_ had just bak'd a toast, and was going to drink it -herself. - -Sir _Fran._ Why then, here's to thee, _Dick_! - - [_Drinks._ - -Squ. _Rich._ Thonk yow, Feyther. - -Lady _Wrong._ Lord! Sir _Francis_! I wonder you can encourage the Boy -to swill so much of that lubberly liquor----it's enough to make him -quite stupid. - -Squ. _Rich._ Why it never hurts me, Mother; and I sleep like a hawnd -after it. - - [_Drinks._ - -Sir _Fran._ I am sure I ha' drunk it these thirty years, and by your -leave, Madam, I don't know that I want wit: Ha! ha! - -_Jenny._ But you might have had a great deal more, Papa, if you would -have been govern'd by my Mother. - -Sir _Fran._ Daughter! he that is governed by his Wife, has no wit at -all. - -_Jenny._ Then I hope I shall marry a fool, Sir; for I love to govern -dearly. - -Sir _Fran._ You are too pert, child; it don't do well in a young woman. - -Lady _Wrong._ Pray, Sir _Francis_, don't snub her; she has a fine -growing spirit, and if you check her so, you will make her as dull as -her brother there. - -Squ. _Rich._ [_After a long draught._] Indeed, Mother, I think my -sister is too forward! - -_Jenny._ You! you think I'm too forward! sure! Brother Mud! your head's -too heavy to think of any thing but your Belly. - -Lady _Wrong._ Well said, Miss; he's none of your Master, tho' he is -your elder Brother. - -Squ. _Rich._ No, nor she shawn't be my Mistress, while she's younger -sister! - -Sir _Fran._ Well said _Dick_! Shew 'em that stawt liquor makes a stawt -heart, Lad! - -Squ. _Rich._ So I wull! and I'll drink ageen, for all her! - - [_Drinks._ - - _Enter ~John Moody~._ - -Sir _Fran._ So _John_! how are the horses! - -_John Moody._ Troth, Sir, I ha' noa good opinion o' this tawn, it's -made up o' mischief, I think! - -Sir _Fran._ What's the matter naw? - -_John Moody._ Why I'll tell your Worship----before we were gotten to -th' street end, with the coach, here, a great lugger-headed cart, with -wheels as thick as a brick wall, laid hawld on't, and has poo'd it aw -to bits; crack! went the perch! Down goes the coach! and whang! says -the glasses, all to shivers! Marcy upon us! and this be _London_! would -we were aw weell in the country ageen! - -_Jenny._ What have you to do, to wish us all in the country again, -Mr. Lubber? I hope we shall not go into the country again these seven -years, Mamma; let twenty coaches be pull'd to pieces. - -Sir _Fran._ Hold your tongue, _Jenny_!----Was _Roger_ in no fault, in -all this? - -_John Moody._ Noa, Sir, nor I, noather----are not yow asheam'd, says -_Roger_ to the carter, to do such an unkind thing by strangers? Noa, -says he, you Bumkin. Sir, he did the thing on very purpose! and so the -folks said that stood by--Very well, says _Roger_, yow shall see what -our Meyster will say to ye! Your Meyster? says he; your Meyster may -kiss my--and so he clapt his hand just there, and like your Worship. -Flesh! I thought they had better breeding in this tawn. - -Sir _Fran._ I'll teach this rascal some, I'll warrant him! Odsbud! if I -take him in hand, I'll play the Devil with him. - -Squ. _Rich._ Ay do, Feyther; have him before the Parliament. - -Sir _Fran._ Odsbud! and so I will----I will make him know who I am! -Where does he live? - -_John Moody._ I believe, in _London_, Sir. - -Sir _Fran._ What's the Rascal's name! - -_John Moody._ I think I heard somebody call him _Dick_. - -Squ. _Rich._ What, my name! - -Sir _Fran._ Where did he go? - -_John Moody._ Sir, he went home. - -Sir _Fran._ Where's that? - -_John Moody._ By my troth, Sir, I doan't know! I heard him say he would -cross the same street again to-morrow; and if we had a mind to stand in -his way, he wou'd pool us over and over again. - -Sir _Fran._ Will he so! Odszooks! get me a Constable. - -Lady _Wrong._ Pooh! get you a good supper. Come, Sir _Francis_, don't -put yourself in a heat for what can't be helpt. Accidents will happen -to people that travel abroad to see the world----For my part, I think -it's a mercy it was not overturn'd before we were all out on't. - -Sir _Fran._ Why ay, that's true again, my Dear. - -Lady _Wrong._ Therefore see to-morrow if we can buy one at second-hand, -for present use; so bespeak a new one, and then all's easy. - -_John Moody._ Why troth, Sir, I doan't think this could have held you -above a day longer. - -Sir _Fran._ D'ye think so, _John_? - -_John Moody._ Why you ha' had it, ever since your Worship were High -Sheriff. - -Sir _Fran._ Why then go and see what _Doll_ has got us for supper--and -come and get off my boots. - - [_Exit Sir ~Fran~._ - -Lady _Wrong._ In the mean time, Miss, do you step to _Handy_, and bid -her get me some fresh night-clothes. - - [_Exit Lady ~Wrong~._ - -_Jenny._ Yes, Mamma, and some for myself too. - - [_Exit ~Jenny~._ - -Squ. _Rich._ Ods-flesh! and what mun I do all alone? - -I'll e'en seek out where t'other pretty Miss is, And she and I'll go -play at cards for kisses. - - [_Exit._ - - - - -+ACT+ III. +SCENE+ I. - - +SCENE+, _the Lord_ Townly's _House_. - - - _Enter Lord ~Townly~, a Servant attending._ - -Lord _Town._ Who's there! - -_Serv._ My Lord. - -Lord _Town._ Bid them get dinner----Lady _Grace_, your Servant. - - _Enter Lady ~Grace~._ - -Lady _Grace._ What, is the house up already? My Lady is not drest yet! - -Lord _Town._ No matter--it's three o'clock--she may break my rest, but -she shall not alter my hours. - -Lady _Grace._ Nay, you need not fear that now, for she dines abroad. - -Lord _Town._ That, I suppose, is only an excuse for her not being ready -yet. - -Lady _Grace._ No, upon my word, she is engaged to company. - -Lord _Town._ Where, pray? - -Lady _Grace._ At my Lady _Revel_'s; and you know they never dine 'till -supper-time. - -Lord _Town._ No truly----she is one of those orderly Ladies, who never -let the sun shine upon any of their vices!----But pr'ythee, Sister, -what humour is she in to-day? - -Lady _Grace._ O! in tip-top spirits, I can assure you----she won a good -deal, last night. - -Lord _Town._ I know no difference between her winning or losing, while -she continues her course of life. - -Lady _Grace._ However she is better in good Humour, than bad. - -Lord _Town._ Much alike: When she is in good humour, other people only -are the better for it: When in a very ill humour, then, indeed, I -seldom fail to have my share of her. - -Lady _Grace._ Well, we won't talk of that now----Does any body dine -here? - -Lord _Town._ _Manly_ promis'd me--by the way, Madam, what do you think -of his last conversation? - -Lady _Grace._----I am a little at a stand about it. - -Lord _Town._ How so? - -Lady _Grace._ Why----I don't know how he can ever have any thoughts of -me, that could lay down such severe rules upon wives, in my hearing. - -Lord _Town._ Did you think his rules unreasonable? - -Lady _Grace._ I can't say I did: But he might have had a little more -complaisance before me, at least. - -Lord _Town._ Complaisance is only a proof of good breeding: But his -plainness was a certain proof of his honesty; nay, of his good opinion -of you: For he would never have open'd himself so freely, but in -confidence that your good sense could not be disobliged at it. - -Lady _Grace._ My good opinion of him, Brother, has hitherto been guided -by yours: But I have receiv'd a letter this morning that shews him a -very different Man from what I thought him. - -Lord _Town._ A letter from whom? - -Lady _Grace._ That I don't know, but there it is. - - [_Gives a Letter._ - -Lord _Town._ Pray let's see. - - [_Reads._ - - _The Inclos'd, Madam, fell accidentally into my hands; if it no way - concerns you, you will only have the trouble of reading this, - from your sincere Friend and humble Servant, Unknown_, &c. - -Lady _Grace._ And this was the inclos'd. - - [_Giving another._ - -Lord _Town._ [_Reads._] _To ~Charles Manly~, Esq._ - - _Your manner of living with me of late, convinces me, that I now - grow as painful to you, as to myself: but however, though you can - love me no longer, I hope you will not let me live worse than I - did, before I left an honest Income, for the vain Hopes of being - ever Yours._ - - Myrtilla Dupe. - - P. S. _'Tis above four Months since I receiv'd a Shilling from you._ - -Lady _Grace._ What think you now? - -Lord _Town._ I am considering---- - -Lady _Grace._ You see it's directed to him---- - -Lord _Town._ That's true! but the Postscript seems to be a reproach, -that I think he is not capable of deserving. - -Lady _Grace._ But who could have concern enough, to send it to me? - -Lord _Town._ I have observed that these sort of letters from unknown -friends, generally come from secret enemies. - -Lady _Grace._ What would you have me do in it? - -Lord _Town._ What I think you ought to do----fairly shew it him, and -say I advis'd you to it. - -Lady _Grace._ Will not that have a very odd look, from me? - -Lord _Town._ Not at all, if you use my name in it: if he is innocent, -his impatience to appear so, will discover his regard to you: If he is -guilty, it will be your best way of preventing his addresses. - -Lady _Grace._ But what pretence have I to put him out of countenance? - -Lord _Town._ I can't think there's any fear of that. - -Lady _Grace._ Pray what is't you do think then? - -Lord _Town._ Why certainly, that it's much more probable, this letter -may be all an artifice, than that he is in the least concern'd in it---- - - _Enter a Servant._ - -_Serv._ Mr. _Manly_, my Lord. - -Lord _Town._ Do you receive him; while I step a minute in to my Lady. - - [_Exit ~Lord Townly~._ - - _Enter ~Manly~._ - -_Man._ Madam, your most obedient; they told me, my Lord was here. - -Lady _Grace._ He will be here presently: He is but just gone in to my -sister. - -_Man._ So! then my Lady dines with us. - -Lady _Grace._ No; she is engag'd. - -_Man._ I hope you are not of her party, Madam? - -Lady _Grace._ Not till after dinner. - -_Man._ And pray how may she have dispos'd of the rest of the day? - -Lady _Grace._ Much as usual! she has visits 'till about eight; after -that 'till court time, she is to be at Quadrille, at Mrs. _Idle_'s: -After the Drawing-room, she takes a short supper with my Lady -_Moonlight_. And from thence, they go together to my Lord _Noble_'s -Assembly. - -_Man._ And are you to do all this with her, Madam? - -Lady _Grace._ Only a few of the visits; I would indeed have drawn her -to the Play; but I doubt we have so much upon our hands, that it will -not be practicable. - -_Man._ But how can you forbear all the rest of it? - -Lady _Grace._ There's no great merit in forbearing, what one is not -charm'd with. - -_Man._ And yet I have found that very difficult in my time. - -Lady _Grace._ How do you mean? - -_Man._ Why, I have pass'd a great deal of my life, in the hurry of -the Ladies, though I was generally better pleas'd when I was at quiet -without 'em. - -Lady _Grace._ What induc'd you, then, to be with them? - -_Man._ Idleness, and the Fashion. - -Lady _Grace._ No Mistresses in the case? - -_Man._ To speak honestly--Yes--being often in the toyshop, there was no -forbearing the bawbles. - -Lady _Grace._ And of course, I suppose sometimes you were tempted to -pay for them, twice as much as they were worth. - -_Man._ Why really, where fancy only makes the choice, Madam, no wonder -if we are generally bubbled, in those sort of bargains, which I confess -has been often my case: For I had constantly some Coquette, or other, -upon my hands, whom I could love perhaps just enough to put it in her -power to plague me. - -Lady _Grace._ And that's a pow'r, I doubt, commonly made use of. - -_Man._ The amours of a Coquette, Madam, seldom have any other view. I -look upon Them, and Prudes, to be nusances, just alike; tho' they seem -very different: The first are always plaguing the Men; and the other -are always abusing the Women. - -Lady _Grace._ And yet both of them do it for the same vain ends; to -establish a false character of being virtuous. - -_Man._ Of being chaste, they mean; for they know no other virtue: and, -upon the credit of that, they traffick in every thing else that's -vicious: They (even against Nature) keep their chastity, only because -they find they have more power to do mischief with it, than they could -possibly put in practice without it. - -Lady _Grace._ Hold! Mr. _Manly_: I am afraid this severe opinion of the -sex, is owing to the ill choice you have made of your Mistresses. - -_Man._ In a great measure, it may be so: But, Madam, if both these -characters are so odious; how vastly valuable is that woman, who has -attain'd all they aim at without the aid of the Folly, or Vice of -either? - -Lady _Grace._ I believe those sort of women to be as scarce, Sir, as -the men, that believe there are any such; or that allowing such have -virtue enough to deserve them. - -_Man._ That _could_ deserve them then----had been a more favourable -reflexion! - -Lady _Grace._ Nay, I speak only from my little experience: For (I'll be -free with you, Mr. _Manly_) I don't know a man in the world, that, in -appearance, might better pretend to a woman of the first merit, than -yourself: And yet I have a reason in my hand, here, to think you have -your failings. - -_Man._ I have infinite, Madam; but I am sure, the want of an implicit -respect for you, is not among the number----pray what is in your hand, -Madam? - -Lady _Grace._ Nay, Sir, I have no title to it; for the direction is to -you. - - [_Gives him a Letter._ - -_Man._ To me! I don't remember the hand-- - - [_Reads to himself._ - -Lady _Grace._ I can't perceive any change of guilt in him! and his -surprise seems natural! [_Aside._]----Give me leave to tell you one -thing by the way, Mr. _Manly_; That I should never have shewn you this, -but that my Brother enjoin'd me to it. - -_Man._ I take that to proceed from my Lord's good opinion of me, Madam. - -Lady _Grace._ I hope, at least, it will stand as an excuse for my -taking this liberty. - -_Man._ I never yet saw you do any thing, Madam, that wanted an excuse; -and, I hope, you will not give me an instance to the contrary, by -refusing the favour I am going to ask you. - -Lady _Grace._ I don't believe I shall refuse any, that you think proper -to ask. - -_Man._ Only this, Madam, to indulge me so far, as to let me know how -this letter came into your hands. - -Lady _Grace._ Inclos'd to me, in this without a name. - -_Man._ If there be no secret in the contents, Madam---- - -Lady _Grace._ Why----there is an impertinent insinuation in it: But as -I know your good sense will think it so too, I will venture to trust -you. - -_Man._ You oblige me, Madam. - - [_He takes the other Letter and reads._ - -Lady _Grace._ [_Aside._] Now am I in the oddest situation! methinks our -conversation grows terribly critical! This must produce something:----O -lud! would it were over! - -_Man._ Now, Madam, I begin to have some light into the poor project, -that is at the bottom of all this. - -Lady _Grace._ I have no notion of what could be proposed by it. - -_Man._ A little patience, Madam----First, as to the insinuation you -mention---- - -Lady _Grace._ O! what is he going to say now! - - [_Aside._ - -_Man._ Tho' my intimacy with my Lord may have allow'd my visits to have -been very frequent here of late; yet, in such a talking town as this, -you must not wonder, if a great many of those visits are plac'd to your -account: And this taken for granted, I suppose has been told to my Lady -_Wronghead_, as a piece of news, since her arrival, not improbably -without many more imaginary circumstances. - -Lady _Grace._ My Lady _Wronghead_! - -_Man._ Ay, Madam, for I am positive this is her hand! - -Lady _Grace._ What view could she have in writing it? - -_Man._ To interrupt any treaty of marriage, she may have heard I -am engaged in: Because if I die without heirs, her Family expects -that some part of my estate may return to them again. But, I hope, -she is so far mistaken, that if this letter has given you the least -uneasiness,----I shall think that the happiest moment of my life. - -Lady _Grace._ That does not carry your usual complaisance, Mr. _Manly_. - -_Man._ Yes, Madam, because I am sure I can convince you of my innocence. - -Lady _Grace._ I am sure I have no right to inquire into it. - -_Man._ Suppose you may not, Madam; yet you may very innocently have so -much curiosity. - -Lady _Grace._ With what an artful gentleness he steals into my opinion? -[_Aside._] Well, Sir, I won't pretend to have so little of the Woman, -in me, as to want curiosity----But pray, do you suppose then, this -_Myrtilla_ is a real, or a fictitious name? - -_Man._ Now I recollect, Madam, there is a young woman, in the -house, where my Lady _Wronghead_ lodges, that I heard somebody call -_Myrtilla_: This letter may be written by her----but how it came -directed to me, I confess is a mystery; that before I ever presume to -see your Ladyship again, I think myself oblig'd, in Honour to find out. - - [_Going._ - -Lady _Grace._ Mr. _Manly_----you are not going? - -_Man._ 'Tis but to the next street, Madam; I shall be back in ten -minutes. - -Lady _Grace._ Nay! but dinner's just coming up. - -_Man._ Madam, I can neither eat, nor rest, till I see an end of this -affair! - -Lady _Grace._ But this is so odd! why should any silly curiosity of -mine drive you away? - -_Man._ Since you won't suffer it to be yours, Madam; then it shall be -only to satisfy my own curiosity---- - - [_Exit ~Manly~._ - -Lady _Grace._ Well----and now, what am I to think of all this? Or -suppose an indifferent person had heard every word we have said to -one another, what would they have thought on't? Would it have been -very absurd to conclude, he is seriously inclined to pass the rest -of his life with me?----I hope not----for I am sure, the case is -terribly clear on my side! and why may not I, without vanity, suppose -my----unaccountable somewhat----has done as much execution upon -him?----why----because he never told me so----nay, he has not so -much as mentioned the word Love, or ever said one civil thing to my -person----well----but he has said a thousand to my good opinion, and -has certainly got it----had he spoke first to my person, he had paid a -very ill compliment to my understanding----I should have thought him -impertinent, and never have troubled my head about him; but as he has -manag'd the matter, at least I am sure of one thing; that let his -thoughts be what they will, I shall never trouble my head about any -other man, as long as I live. - - _Enter Mrs. ~Trusty~._ - -Well, Mrs. _Trusty_, is my sister dress'd yet? - -_Trusty._ Yes, Madam, but my Lord has been courting her so, I think, -'till they are both out of humour. - -Lady _Grace._ How so? - -_Trusty._ Why, it begun, Madam, with his Lordship's desiring her -Ladyship to dine at home to-day----upon which my Lady said she could -not be ready; upon that, my Lord order'd them to stay the dinner, and -then my Lady order'd the coach; then my Lord took her short, and said, -he had order'd the coachman to set up: Then my Lady made him a great -curt'sy, and said, she would wait 'till his Lordship's horses had -din'd, and was mighty pleasant: But for fear of the worst, Madam, she -whisper'd me----to get her chair ready. - - [_Exit ~Trusty~._ - -Lady _Grace._ O! here they come; and, by their looks, seem a little -unfit for company. - - [_Exit Lady ~Grace~._ - - _Enter Lady ~Townly~, Lord ~Townly~ following._ - -Lady _Town._ Well! look you, my Lord; I can bear it no longer! nothing -still but about my faults, my faults! an agreeable subject truly! - -Lord _Town._ Why, Madam, if you won't hear of them; how can I ever hope -to see you mend them? - -Lady _Town._ Why, I don't intend to mend them----I can't mend -them----you know I have try'd to do it an hundred times, and--it hurts -me so--I can't bear it! - -Lord _Town._ And I, Madam, can't bear this daily licentious abuse of -your time and character. - -Lady _Town._ Abuse! Astonishing! when the Universe knows, I am never -better company, than when I am doing what I have a mind to! But to -see this world! that Men can never get over that silly spirit of -contradiction----why but last _Thursday_ now----there you wisely -amended one of my faults as you call them----you insisted upon my not -going to the Masquerade----and pray, what was the consequence! was -not I as cross as the Devil, all the night after? was not I forc'd -to get company at home! and was not it almost three o'clock in the -morning, before I was able to come to myself again? and then the fault -is not mended neither,----for next time, I shall only have twice the -inclination to go: so that all this mending, and mending, you see, is -but dearning an old ruffle, to make it worse than it was before. - -Lord _Town._ Well, the manner of womens living, of late, is -insupportable; and one way or other---- - -Lady _Town._ It's to be mended, I suppose! why so it may; but then, my -dear Lord, you must give one time----and when things are at worst, you -know, they may mend themselves! ha! ha! - -Lord _Town._ Madam, I am not in a humour, now, to trifle. - -Lady _Town._ Why then, my Lord, one word of fair argument--to talk with -you, your own way now----You complain of my late hours, and I of your -early ones----so far are we even, you'll allow----but pray which gives -us the best figure in the eye of the polite world? my active, spirited -three in the Morning, or your dull, drowsy eleven at Night? Now, I -think, one has the air of a Woman of Quality, and t'other of a plodding -Mechanic, that goes to bed betimes, that he may rise early, to open his -shop!----Faugh! - -Lord _Town._ Fy, fy, Madam! is this your way of reasoning? 'tis time to -wake you then----'tis not your ill hours alone, that disturb me, but as -often the ill company that occasion those ill Hours. - -Lady _Town._ Sure I don't understand you now, my Lord; what ill company -do I keep? - -Lord _Town._ Why, at best, women that lose their money, and men -that win it! Or, perhaps, men that are voluntary bubbles at one -game, in hopes a Lady will give them fair play at another. Then that -unavoidable mixture with known rakes, conceal'd thieves, and Sharpers -in embroidery----or what, to me, is still more shocking, that herd of -familiar chattering crop-ear'd Coxcombs, who are so often like Monkeys, -there would be no knowing them asunder, but that their tails hang from -their head, and the monkey's grows where it should do. - -Lady _Town._ And a Husband must give eminent proof of his sense, that -thinks their powder-puffs dangerous. - -Lord _Town._ Their being fools, Madam, is not always the Husband's -security: Or if it were, fortune, sometimes, gives them advantages -might make a thinking woman tremble. - -Lady _Town._ What do you mean! - -Lord _Town._ That Women, sometimes, lose more than they are able to -pay; and if a creditor be a little pressing, the Lady may be reduc'd to -try if, instead of gold, the Gentleman will accept of a trinket. - -Lady _Town._ My Lord you grow scurrilous; you'll make me hate you. I'll -have you to know, I keep company with the politest people in town, and -the Assemblies I frequent are full of such. - -Lord _Town._ So are the Churches----now and then. - -Lady _Town._ My friends frequent them too, at well as the Assemblies. - -Lord _Town._ Yes, and would do it oftner, if a groom of the chambers -there were allowed to furnish cards to the company. - -Lady _Town._ I see what you drive at all this while; you would lay an -imputation on my fame, to cover your own avarice! I might take any -pleasures I find, that were not expensive. - -Lord _Town._ Have a care, Madam; don't let me think you only value your -chastity, to make me reproachable for not indulging you in every thing -else, that's vicious----I, Madam, have a reputation too, to guard, -that's dear to me, as yours----The follies of an ungovern'd wife may -make the wisest man uneasy; but 'tis his own fault, if ever they make -him contemptible. - -Lady _Town._ My Lord----you would make a woman mad! - -Lord _Town._ You'd make a man a fool. - -Lady _Town._ If Heav'n has made you otherwise, that won't be in my -power. - -Lord _Town._ Whatever may be in your inclination, Madam; I'll prevent -you making me a Beggar at least. - -Lady _Town._ A Beggar! _Crœsus_! I'm out of Patience! I won't come home -'till four to-morrow morning. - -Lord _Town._ That may be, Madam; but I'll order the doors to be lock'd -at twelve. - -Lady _Town._ Then I won't come home 'till to-morrow night. - -Lord _Town._ Then, Madam;----You shall never come home again. - - [_Exit Lord ~Town~._ - -Lady _Town._ What does he mean! I never heard such a word from him -in my life before! the Man always us'd to have manners in his worst -humours! there's something, that I don't see, at the bottom of all -this----but his head's always upon some impracticable scheme or other, -so I won't trouble mine any longer about him. Mr. _Manly_, your Servant. - - _Enter ~Manly~._ - -_Man._ I ask pardon for my intrusion, Madam; but I hope my business -with my Lord will excuse it. - -Lady _Town._ I believe you'll find him in the next room, Sir. - -_Man._ Will you give me leave, Madam? - -Lady _Town._ Sir----you have my leave, tho' you were a lady. - -_Man._ [_Aside._] What a well bred age do we live in? - - [_Exit ~Manly~._ - - _Enter Lady ~Grace~._ - -Lady _Town._ O! my dear Lady _Grace_! how could you leave me so -unmercifully alone all this while? - -Lady _Grace._ I thought my Lord had been with you. - -Lady _Town._ Why yes----and therefore I wanted your relief; for he has -been in such a fluster here---- - -Lady _Grace._ Bless me! for what? - -Lady _Town._ Only our usual breakfast; we have each of us had our dish -of Matrimonial Comfort, this morning! we have been charming company! - -Lady _Grace._ I am mighty glad of it! sure it must be a vast -happiness, when a Man and a Wife can give themselves the same turn of -conversation! - -Lady _Town._ O! the prettiest thing in the world! - -Lady _Grace._ Now I should be afraid, that where two people are every -day together so, they must often be in want of something to talk upon. - -Lady _Town._ O my Dear, you are the most mistaken in the world! married -people have things to talk of, child, that never enter into the -imagination of others.----Why, here's my Lord and I now, we have not -been married above two short years, you know, and we have already eight -or ten things constantly in bank, that whenever we want company, we can -take up any one of them for two hours together, and the subject never -the flatter; nay, if we have occasion for it, it will be as fresh next -day too, as it was the first hour it entertain'd us. - -Lady _Grace._ Certainly that must be vastly pretty. - -Lady _Town._ O! there's no life like it! why t'other day for example, -when you din'd abroad; my Lord and I, after a pretty chearful _tête -à tête_ meal, sat us down by the fire-side, in an easy indolent, -pick-tooth way, for about a quarter of an hour, as if we had not -thought of any other's being in the room----at last, stretching -himself, and yawning----My Dear, says he,----aw----you came home very -late, last night----'Twas but just turn'd of Two, says I----I was in -bed--aw----by eleven, says he; so you are every night, says I----Well, -says he, I am amazed you can sit up so late----How can you be amaz'd, -says I, at a thing that happens so often?----upon which we enter'd into -a conversation----and tho' this is a point has entertain'd us above -fifty times already, we always find so many pretty new things to say -upon it, that I believe in my soul, it will last as long as we live. - -Lady _Grace._ But pray! in such sort of family dialogues (tho' -extremely well for passing the time) don't there, now and then, enter -some little witty sort of bitterness? - -Lady _Town._ O yes! which does not do amiss at all! A smart repartee, -with a zest of recrimination at the head of it, makes the prettiest -sherbet; Ay, ay! if we did not mix a little of the acid with it, a -matrimonial Society would be so luscious, that nothing but an old -liquorish prude would be able to bear it. - -Lady _Grace._ Well,----certainly you have the most elegant taste---- - -Lady _Town._ Tho' to tell you the truth, my Dear, I rather think we -squeez'd a little too much lemon into it, this bout; for it grew so -sour at last, that--I think----I almost told him, he was a fool----and -he again----talk'd something oddly of----turning me out of doors. - -Lady _Grace._ O! have a care of that! - -Lady _Town._ Nay, if he should, I may thank my own wise father for -that---- - -Lady _Grace._ How so? - -Lady _Town._ Why----when my good Lord first open'd his honourable -trenches before me, my unaccountable Papa, in whose hands I then was, -gave me up at discretion. - -Lady _Grace._ How do you mean? - -Lady _Town._ He said, the wives of this age were come to that pass, -that he would not desire even his own Daughter should be trusted with -pin-money; so that my whole train of separate inclinations are left -entirely at the mercy of an husband's odd humours. - -Lady _Grace._ Why, that, indeed, is enough to make a woman of spirit -look about her! - -Lady _Town._ Nay, but to be serious; my Dear; what would you really -have a woman do in my case? - -Lady _Grace._ Why----If I had a sober husband as you have, I would make -myself the happiest wife in the world by being as sober as he. - -Lady _Town._ O! you wicked thing! how can you teize one at this rate? -when you know he is so very sober, that (except giving me money) there -is not one thing in the world he can do to please me! And I at the -same time, partly by nature, and partly, perhaps, by keeping the best -company, do with my soul love almost every thing he hates! I dote upon -assemblies! my heart bounds at a ball; and at an Opera----I expire! -then I love play to distraction! Cards inchant me! and Dice--put me out -of my little wits! Dear! dear Hazard! oh! what a flow of spirits it -gives one! do you never play at hazard, child? - -Lady _Grace._ Oh! never! I don't think it fits well upon women; there -is something so masculine, so much the air of a rake in it! you see how -it makes the men swear and curse! and when a woman is thrown into the -same passion----why---- - -Lady _Town._ That's very true! one is a little put to it, sometimes, -not to make use of the same words to express it. - -Lady _Grace._ Well----and, upon ill luck, pray what words are you -really forc'd to make use of? - -Lady _Town._ Why upon a very hard case, indeed, when a sad wrong word -is rising, just to one's tongue's end, I give a great gulp----and -swallow it. - -Lady _Grace._ Well----and is not that enough to make you forswear play, -as long as you live? - -Lady _Town._ O yes! I have forsworn it. - -Lady _Grace._ Seriously? - -Lady _Town._ Solemnly! a thousand times; but then one is constantly -forsworn. - -Lady _Grace._ And how can you answer that? - -Lady _Town._ My dear, what we say, when we are losers, we look upon to -be no more binding than a lover's oath, or a great man's promise. But I -beg pardon, child; I should not lead you so far into the world; you are -a prude, and design to live soberly. - -Lady _Grace._ Why, I confess my nature, and my education do, in a good -degree, incline me that way. - -Lady _Town._ Well! how a woman of spirit, (for you don't want that, -child) can dream of living soberly, is to me inconceivable! for you -will marry I suppose. - -Lady _Grace._ I can't tell but I may. - -Lady _Town._ And won't you live in town? - -Lady _Grace._ Half the year, I should like it very well. - -Lady _Town._ My stars! and you would really live in London half the -year to be sober in it! - -Lady _Grace._ Why not? - -Lady _Town._ Why can't you as well go, and be sober in the country? - -Lady _Grace._ So I would----t'other half year. - -Lady _Town._ And pray what comfortable scheme of life would you form -now, for your summer and winter sober entertainments? - -Lady _Grace._ A scheme, that I think might very well content us. - -Lady _Town._ O! of all things let's hear it. - -Lady _Grace._ Why, in summer, I cou'd pass my leisure hours in riding, -in reading, walking by a canal, or sitting at the end of it under a -great tree; in dressing, dining, chatting with an agreeable friend, -perhaps hearing a little music, taking a dish of tea, or a game of -cards soberly! managing my family, looking into its accounts, playing -with my children (if I had any) or in a thousand other innocent -amusements----soberly! and possibly, by these means, I might induce my -husband to be as sober as myself---- - -Lady _Town._ Well, my dear, thou art an astonishing creature! for sure -such primitive antediluvian notions of life, have not been in any head -these thousand years----Under a great tree! O my soul!----But I beg we -may have the sober town scheme too----for I am charmed with the country -one! - -Lady _Grace._ You shall, and I'll try to stick to my sobriety there too. - -Lady _Town._ Well, tho' I'm sure it will give me the vapours, I must -hear it however. - -Lady _Grace._ Why then, for fear of your fainting, madam, I will first -so far come into the fashion, that I would never be dressed out of -it----but still it should be soberly. For I can't think it any disgrace -to a woman of my private fortune, not to wear her lace as fine as a -wedding-suit of a first Dutchess. Tho' there is one extravagance I -would venture to come up to. - -Lady _Town._ Ay, now for it---- - -Lady _Grace._ I would every day be as clean as a bride. - -Lady _Town._ Why the men say, that's a great step to be made -one----Well now you are drest----pray let's see to what purpose. - -Lady _Grace._ I would visit--that is, my real friends; but as little -for form as possible.----I would go to court; sometimes to an assembly, -nay, play at _quadrille_----soberly; I would see all the good plays; -and, (because 'tis the fashion) now and then an opera----but I would -not expire there, for fear I should never go again: and lastly, I can't -say, but for curiosity, if I lik'd my company, I might be drawn in -once to a masquerade! And this, I think, is as far at any woman can -go----soberly. - -Lady _Town._ Well! if it had not been for that last piece of sobriety, -I was just going to call for some surfeit water. - -Lady _Grace._ Why, don't you think, with the farther aid of -breakfasting, dining, taking the air, supping, sleeping, not to say -a word of devotion, the four and twenty hours might roll over in a -tolerable manner? - -Lady _Town._ Tolerable? deplorable! Why, child, all you propose, is but -to endure life, now I want to enjoy it---- - - _Enter Mrs. ~Trusty~._ - -_Trus._ Madam, your Ladyship's chair is ready. - -Lady _Town._ Have the Footmen their white flambeaux yet? for last night -I was poison'd. - -_Trus._ Yes, madam: there were some come in this morning. - - [_Exit ~Trusty~._ - -Lady _Town._ My dear, you will excuse me; but you know my time is so -precious---- - -Lady _Grace._ That I beg I may not hinder your least enjoyment of it. - -Lady _Town._ You will call on me at Lady _Revel_'s? - -Lady _Grace._ Certainly. - -Lady _Town._ But I am so afraid it will break into your scheme, my dear! - -Lady _Grace._ When it does, I will----soberly break from you. - -Lady _Town._ Why then 'till we meet again, dear sister, I wish you all -tolerable happiness. - - [_Exit Lady ~Town~._ - -Lady _Grace._ There she goes--dash! into her stream of pleasures! -poor woman! she is really a fine creature! and sometimes infinitely -agreeable! nay, take her out of the madness of this town, rational -in her notions, and easy to live with: but she is so borne down by -this torrent of vanity in vogue, she thinks every hour of her life -is lost that she does not lead at the head of it. What it will end -in, I tremble to imagine----Ha! my brother, and _Manly_ with him! I -guess what they have been talking of----I shall hear it in my turn, I -suppose, but it won't become me to be inquisitive. - - [_Exit Lady ~Grace~._ - - _Enter Lord ~Townly~ and ~Manly~._ - -Lord _Town._ I did not think my Lady _Wronghead_ had such a notable -brain: tho' I can't say she was so very wise, in trusting this silly -girl you call _Myrtilla_, with the secret. - -_Man._ No, my Lord, you mistake me, had the girl been in the secret, -perhaps I had never come at it myself. - -Lord _Town._ Why I thought you said the girl writ this letter, to you, -and that my Lady _Wronghead_ sent it inclos'd to my sister? - -_Man._ If you please to give me leave, my Lord----the fact is -thus.--This inclos'd letter to Lady _Grace_ was a real original one, -written by this girl, to the Count we have been talking of: the -Count drops it, and my Lady _Wronghead_ finds it: then only changing -the cover, she seals it up as a letter of business, just written by -herself, to me: and pretending to be in a hurry, gets this innocent -girl to write the direction, for her. - -Lord _Town._ Oh! then the girl did not know she was superscribing a -billet-doux of her own to you? - -_Man._ No, my Lord; for when I first question'd her about the -direction, she own'd it immediately: but when I shew'd her that the -letter to the Count was within it, and told her how it came into my -hands, the poor creature was amazed and thought herself betray'd both -by the Count and my Lady----in short, upon this discovery the girl -and I grew so gracious, that she has let me into some transactions, in -my Lady _Wronghead_'s family, which, with my having a careful eye over -them, may prevent the ruin of it. - -Lord _Town._ You are very generous to be so solicitous for a Lady that -has given you so much uneasiness. - -_Man._ But I will be most unmercifully reveng'd of her: for I will do -her the greatest friendship in the world----against her will. - -Lord _Town._ What an uncommon philosophy art thou master of? to make -even thy malice a virtue? - -_Man._ Yet, my Lord, I assure you, there is no one action of my life -gives me more pleasure than your approbation of it. - -Lord _Town._ Dear _Charles_! my heart's impatient, 'till thou art -nearer to me: and as a proof that I have long wished thee so: while -your daily conduct has chosen rather to deserve than ask my sister's -favour; I have been as secretly industrious to make her sensible of -your merit: and since on this occasion you have open'd your whole -heart to me, 'tis now with equal pleasure, I assure you, we have both -succeeded----she is as firmly yours---- - -_Man._ Impossible! you flatter me! - -Lord _Town._ I am glad you think it flattery: but she herself shall -prove it none: she dines with us alone: when the servants are -withdrawn, I'll open a conversation, that shall excuse my leaving you -together--_O! Charles!_ had I, like thee, been cautious in my choice, -what melancholy hours had this heart avoided! - -_Man._ No more of that, I beg, my Lord---- - -Lord _Town._ But 'twill, at least, be some relief to my anxiety -(however barren of content the state has been to me) to see so near a -friend and sister happy in it: your harmony of life will be an instance -how much the choice of temper is preferable to beauty. - - While your soft hours in mutual kindness move, - You'll reach by virtue what I lost by love. - - [_Exeunt._ - - - - -+ACT+ IV. +SCENE+ I. - - +SCENE+, _Mrs._ Motherly's _House_. - - - _Enter Mrs. ~Motherly~, meeting ~Myrtilla~._ - -_Moth._ So, niece! where is it possible you can have been these six -hours? - -_Myr._ O! Madam! I have such a terrible story to tell you! - -_Moth._ A story! ods my life! what have you done with the Count's note -of five hundred pounds I sent you about? is it safe? is it good? is it -security? - -_Myr._ Yes, yes, it is safe: but for its goodness----mercy on us! I -have been in a fair way to be hang'd about it. - -_Moth._ The dickens! has the rogue of a Count play'd us another trick -then? - -_Myr._ You shall hear, Madam; when I came to Mr. _Cash_, the Banker's, -and shewed him his note for five hundred pounds, payable to the Count, -or order, in two months--he looked earnestly upon it, and desired me to -step into the inner room, while he examined his books----after I had -staid about ten minutes, he came in to me----claps to the door, and -charges me with a constable for forgery. - -_Moth._ Ah poor soul! and how didst thou get off? - -_Myr._ While I was ready to sink in this condition, I begg'd him to -have a little patience, 'till I could send for Mr. _Manly_, whom he -knew to be a gentleman of worth and honour, and who, I was sure, would -convince him, whatever fraud might be in the note, that I was myself an -innocent abus'd woman----and as good luck would have it, in less than -half an hour Mr. _Manly_ came----so, without mincing the matter, I -fairly told him upon what design the Count had lodg'd that note in your -hands, and in short, laid open the whole scheme he had drawn us into, -to make our fortune. - -_Moth._ The devil you did! - -_Myr._ Why how do you think it was possible I could any otherwise -make Mr. _Manly_ my friend, to help me out of the scrape I was in? To -conclude, he soon made Mr. _Cash_ easy, and sent away the Constable; -nay farther promis'd me, if I would trust the note in his hands, he -would take care it should be be fully paid before it was due, and at -the same time would give me an ample revenge upon the Count; so that -all you have to consider now, Madam, is, whether you think yourself -safer in the Count's hands, or Mr. _Manly_'s. - -_Moth._ Nay, nay, child; there is no choice in the matter! Mr. _Manly_ -may be a friend indeed, if any thing in our power can make him so. - -_Myr._ Well, madam, and now pray how stand matters at home here? What -has the Count done with the ladies? - -_Moth._ Why every thing he has a mind to do, by this time, I suppose. -He is in as high favour with Miss, as he is with my Lady. - -_Myr._ Pray, where are the ladies? - -_Moth._ Rattling abroad in their own coach, and the well-bred Count -along with them: they have been scouring all the shops in town over, -buying fine things and new clothes from morning to night: they have -made one voyage already, and have brought home such a cargo of bawbles -and trumpery----mercy on the poor man that's to pay for them! - -_Myr._ Did not the young Squire go with them! - -_Moth._ No, no; Miss said, truly he would but disgrace their party: so -they even left him asleep by the kitchen fire. - -_Myr._ Has he not asked after me all this while? for I had a sort of an -assignation with him. - -_Moth._ O yes! he has been in a bitter taking about it. At last his -disappointment grew so uneasy, that he fairly fell a crying; so to -quiet him, I sent one of the maids and _John Moody_ abroad with him to -shew him----the lions and the Monument. Ods me! there he is, just come -home again----you may have business with him----so I'll even turn you -together. - - _Enter Squire ~Richard~._ - -Squ. _Rich._ Soah! soah! Mrs. _Myrtilla_, where han yow been aw this -day, forsooth? - -_Myr._ Nay, if you go to that, Squire, where have you been, pray? - -Squ. _Rich._ Rich. Why, when I fun' at yow were no loikly to come -whoam, I were ready to hong my sel----so _John Moody_, and I, and one -o' your lasses have been----Lord knows where----a seeing o' the soights. - -_Myr._ Well and pray what have you seen, Sir? - -Squ. _Rich._ Flesh! I cawnt tell, not I----seen every thing I think. -First there we went o' top o' the what d'ye call it? there, the great -huge stone post, up the rawnd and rawnd stairs, that twine and twine -about, just an as thof it were a cork screw. - -_Myr._ O, the Monument! well, and was it not a fine sight from the top -of it? - -Squ. _Rich._ Sight, Miss! I know no'--I saw nowght but smoak and brick -housen, and steeple tops----then there was such a mortal ting-tang of -bells, and rumbling of carts and coaches, and then the folks under one -look'd so small, and made such a hum, and a buz, it put me in mind of -my mother's great glass bee-hive in our garden in the country. - -_Myr._ I think, Master, you give a very good account of it. - -Squ. _Rich._ Ay! but I did no like it: for my head--my head--began to -turn----so I trundled me dawn stairs ugain like a round trencher. - -_Myr._ Well! but this was not all you saw, I suppose? - -Squ. _Rich._ Noa! noa! we went after that and saw the lions, and I -lik'd them better by hawlf; they are pure grim devils; hoh, hoh! I -touke a stick, and gave one of them such a poke o' the noase----I -believe he would ha' snapt my head off, an he could ha' got me. Hoh! -hoh! hoh! - -_Myr._ Well, Master, when you and I go abroad, I'll shew you prettier -sights than these----there's a masquerade to-morrow. - -Squ. _Rich._ O laud! ay! they say that's a pure thing for _Merry -Andrews_, and those sort of comical mummers----and the Count tells me, -that there lads and lasses may jig their tails, and eat, and drink, -without grudging, all night-lung. - -_Myr._ What would you say now, if I should get you a ticket and go -along with you? - -Squ. _Rich._ Ah dear! - -_Myr._ But have a care, Squire, the fine ladies there are terribly -tempting; look well to your heart, or ads me! they'll whip it up in the -trip of a minute. - -Squ. _Rich._ Ay, but they can't thoa----soa let 'um look to themselves, -an' ony of 'um falls in love with me--mayhap they had as good be quiet. - -_Myr._ Why sure you would not refuse a fine lady, would you? - -Squ. _Rich._ Ay, but I would tho' unless it were--one at I know of. - -_Myr._ Oh! oh! then you have left your heart in the country, I find? - -Squ. _Rich._ Noa, noa, my heart----eh----my heart e'nt awt o' this room. - -_Myr._ I am glad you have it about you, however. - -Squ. _Rich._ Nay, mahap not soa neather, somebody else may have it, 'at -you little think of. - -_Myr._ I can't imagine what you mean! - -Squ. _Rich._ Noa! why doan't you know how many folks there is in this -room, naw? - -_Myr._ Very fine, Master, I see you have learnt the town gallantry -already. - -Squ. _Rich._ Why doan't you believe 'at I have a kindness for you then? - -_Myr._ Fy! fy! Master, how you talk! beside you are too young to think -of a wife. Squ. _Rich._ Ay but I caunt help thinking o' yow, for all -that. - -_Myr._ How! why sure, Sir, you don't pretend to think of me in a -dishonourable way? - -Squ. _Rich._ Nay, that's as you see good----I did no' think 'at you -would ha' thowght of me for a husband, mayhap; unless I had means in -my own hands; and feyther allows me but half a crown a week, as yet a -while. - -_Myr._ Oh! when I like any body, 'tis not want of money will make me -refuse them. - -Squ. _Rich._ Well, that's just my mind now; for 'an I like a girl, -Miss, I would take her in her smuck. - -_Myr._ Ay, Master, now you speak like a man of honour: this shews -something of a true heart in you. - -Squ. _Rich._ Ay, and a true heart you'll find me; try me when you will. - -_Myr._ Hush! hush! here's your papa come home, and my aunt with him. - -Squ. _Rich._ A devil rive 'em, what do they come naw for? - -_Myr._ When you and I get to the masquerade, you shall see what I'll -say to you. - -Squ. _Rich._ Well, hands upon't then---- - -_Myr._ There---- - -Squ. _Rich._ One buss and a bargain. - - [_Kisses her._ - -Ads wauntlikins! as soft and plump as a marrow-pudding. - - [_Exeunt severally._ - - _Enter Sir ~Francis Wronghead~ and Mrs. ~Motherly~._ - -Sir _Fran._ What! my wife and daughter abroad say you? - -_Moth._ O dear Sir, they have been mighty busy all the day long; they -just came home to snap up a short dinner, and so went out again. - -Sir _Fran._ Well, well, I shan't stay supper for 'em, I can tell 'em -that: For ods-heart! I have had nothing in me, but a toast and a -tankard, since morning. - -_Moth._ I am afraid, Sir, these late Parliament hours won't agree with -you. - -Sir _Fran._ Why, truly, Mrs. _Motherly_, they don't do right with us -country gentlemen; to lose one meal out of three, is a hard tax upon a -good stomach. - -_Moth._ It is so indeed, Sir. - -Sir _Fran._ But, hawsomever, Mrs. _Motherly_, when we consider, that -what we suffer is for the good of our country---- - -_Moth._ Why truly, Sir, that is something. - -Sir _Fran._ Oh! there's a great deal to be said for't--the good of -one's country is above all things----A true hearted _Englishman_ thinks -nothing too much for it----I have heard of some honest gentlemen -so very zealous, that for the good of their country----they would -sometimes go to dinner at midnight. - -_Moth._ O! the goodness of 'em! sure their country must have vast -esteem for them? - -Sir _Fran._ So they have Mrs. _Motherly_; they are so respected -when they come home to their Boroughs, after a session, and so -belov'd----that their country will come and dine with them every day in -the week. - -_Moth._ Dear me! what a fine thing it is to be so populous? - -Sir _Fran._ It is a great comfort, indeed! and I can assure you you are -a good sensible woman, Mrs. _Motherly_. - -_Moth._ O dear Sir, your Honour's pleas'd to compliment. - -Sir _Fran._ No, no, I see you know how to value people of consequence. - -_Moth._ Good lack! here's company, Sir; will you give me leave to get -you a little something 'till the ladies come home, Sir? - -Sir _Fran._ Why troth, I don't think it would be amiss. - -_Moth._ It shall be done in a moment, Sir. - - [_Exit._ - - _Enter Mr. ~Manly~._ - -_Man._ Sir _Francis_, your servant. - -Sir _Fran._ Cousin _Manly_! - -_Man._ I am come to see how the family goes on here. - -Sir _Fran._ Troth! all as busy as bees; I have been upon the wing ever -since eight o'clock this morning. - -_Man._ By your early hour, then, I suppose you have been making your -court to some of the great men. - -Sir _Fran._ Why, faith! you have hit it, Sir----I was advised to lose -no time: so I e'en went straight forward, to one great man I had never -seen in my life before. - -_Man._ Right! that was doing business: but who had you got to introduce -you? - -Sir _Fran._ Why, no body----I remember'd I had heard a wise man say--My -son be bold--so troth! I introduced myself. - -_Man._ As how, pray? - -Sir _Fran._ Why, thus----look ye----please your Lordship, says I, I am -Sir _Francis Wronghead_ of _Bumper-hall_, and member of Parliament for -the borough of _Guzzledown_----Sir, your humble servant, says my Lord; -thof I have not the honour to know your person, I have heard you are -a very honest gentleman, and am glad your Borough has made choice of -so worthy a representative; and so, says he, Sir _Francis_, have you -any service to command me? Naw, cousin! those last words, you may be -sure gave me no small encouragement. And thof I know, Sir, you have no -extraordinary opinion of my parts, yet I believe, you won't say I mist -it naw! - -_Man._ Well, I hope I shall have no cause. - -Sir _Fran._ So when I found him so courteous----My Lord, says I, I -did not think to ha' troubled your Lordship with business upon my -first visit: but since your Lordship is pleas'd not to stand upon -ceremony----why truly, says I, I think naw is as good as another time. - -_Man._ Right! there you push'd him home. - -Sir _Fran._ Ay, ay, I had a mind to let him see that I was none of your -mealy-mouth'd ones. - -_Man._ Very good! - -Sir _Fran._ So in short, my Lord, says I, I have a good -estate----but----a----it's a little awt at elbows: and as I desire to -serve my King, as well as my country, I shall be very willing to accept -of a place at Court. - -_Man._ So, this was making short work on't. - -Sir _Fran._ I'cod! I shot him flying, cousin: some of your hawf-witted -ones naw, would ha' humm'd and haw'd, and dangled a month or two after -him, before they durst open their mouths about a place, and mayhap, not -ha' got it at last neither. - -_Man._ Oh! I'm glad you're so sure on't---- - -Sir _Fran._ You shall hear, cousin----Sir _Francis_, says my Lord, pray -what sort of a place may you ha' turn'd your thoughts upon? My Lord, -says I, beggars must not be chusers; but ony a place, says I, about a -thousand a year, will be well enough to be doing with 'till something -better falls in--for I thowght it would not look well to stond haggling -with him at first. - -_Man._ No, no, your business was to get footing any way. - -Sir _Fran._ Right! there's it! ay, cousin, I see you know the world! - -_Man._ Yes, yes, one sees more of it every day----well! but what said -my Lord to all this? - -Sir _Fran._ Sir _Francis_, says he, I shall be glad to serve you any -way that lies in my power; so gave me a squeeze by the hond, as much as -to say, give yourself no trouble----I'll do your business; with that he -turn'd him abawt to somebody with a coloured ribbon across here, that -look'd in my thowghts, as if he came for a place too. - -_Man._ Ha! so, upon these hopes, you are to make your fortune! - -Sir _Fran._ Why, do you think there's ony doubt of it, Sir? - -_Man._ Oh no, I have not the least doubt about it----for just as you -have done, I made my fortune ten years ago. - -Sir _Fran._ Why, I never knew you had a place, cousin. - -_Man._ Nor I neither, upon my faith, cousin. But you perhaps may have -better fortune: for I suppose my Lord has heard of what importance you -were in the debate to-day----You have been since down at the house, I -presume? - -Sir _Fran._ O yes! I would not neglect the house, for ever so much. - -_Man._ Well, and pray what have they done there? - -Sir _Fran._ Why, troth! I can't well tell you, what they have done, but -I can tell you what I did: and I think pretty well in the main; only I -happened to make a little mistake at last indeed. - -_Man._ How was that? - -Sir _Fran._ Why, they were all got there, into a sort of a puzzling -debate, about the good of the nation----and I were always for that, -you know----but in short, the arguments were so long winded o' both -sides, that, waunds! I did no well understand 'em, hawsomever, -I was convinc'd, and so resolved to vote right, according to my -conscience----so when they came to put the question, as they call -it,----I don't know haw 'twas----but I doubt I cry'd ay! when I should -ha' cry'd no! - -_Man._ How came that about? - -Sir _Fran._ Why, by a mistake, as I tell you----for there was a -good-humour'd sort of a gentleman, one Mr. _Totherside_ I think they -call him, that sat next me, as soon as I had cry'd ay! gives me a -hearty shake by the hand! Sir says he, you are a man of honour, and a -true _Englishman_! and I should be proud to be better acquainted with -you----and so with that, he takes me by the sleeve, along with the -crowd into the lobby, so, I knew nowght----but ods-flesh! I was got o' -the wrung side the post--for I were told, afterwards, I should have -staid where I was. - -_Man._ And so, if you had not quite made your fortune before, you have -clench'd it now!----Ah! thou head of the _Wrongheads_. - -Sir _Fran._ Odso! here's my lady come home at last----I hope, cousin, -you will be so kind, as to take a family supper with us? - -_Man._ Another time, Sir _Francis_; but to-night I am engaged! - - _Enter Lady ~Wronghead~, Miss ~Jenny~, and Count ~Basset~._ - -Lady _Wrong._ Cousin! your servant; I hope you will pardon my rudeness: -but we have really been in such a continual hurry here, that we have -not had a leisure moment to return your last visit. - -_Man._ O Madam! I am a man of no ceremony; you see that has not -hindered my coming again. - -Lady _Wrong._ You are infinitely obliging; but I'll redeem my credit -with you. - -_Man._ At your own time, Madam. - -Count _Bas._ I must say that for Mr. _Manly_, madam; if making people -easy is the rule of good-breeding, he is certainly the best bred man in -the world. - -_Man._ Soh! I am not to drop my acquaintance, I find--[_Aside._] I am -afraid, Sir, I shall grow vain upon your good opinion. - -Count _Bas._ I don't know that, Sir; but I am sure, what you are -pleas'd to say, makes me so. - -_Man._ The most impudent modesty that ever I met with. - - [_Aside._ - -Lady _Wrong._ Lard! how ready his wit is? - - [_Aside._ - - Sir _Fran._ Don't you think, Sir, the Count's } - a very fine gentleman? } - } - _Man._ O! among the ladies, certainly. } - } - Sir _Fran._ And yet he's as stout as a lion: } _Apart._ - waund, he'll storm any thing. } - } - _Man._ Will he so? Why then, Sir, take } - care of your citadel. } - } - Sir _Fran._ Ah! you are wag, cousin. } - -_Man._ I hope, Ladies, the town air continues to agree with you? - -_Jenny._ O! perfectly well, Sir! We have been abroad in our new coach -all day long----and we have bought an ocean of fine things. And -to-morrow we go to the masquerade! and on Friday to the play! and on -Saturday to the opera! and on Sunday we are to be at what d'ye call -it--assembly, and see the ladies play at quadrille, and piquet and -ombre, and hazard, and basset, and on _Monday_, we are to see the King! -and so on _Tuesday_---- - -Lady _Wrong._ Hold, hold, Miss! you must not let your tongue run so -fast, child----you forgot! you know I brought you hither to learn -modesty. - -_Man._ Yes, yes! and she is improved with a vengeance-- - - [_Aside._ - -_Jenny._ Lawrd! Mama, I am sure I did not say any harm! and if one must -not speak in ones turn, one may be kept under as long as one lives, for -ought I see. - -Lady _Wrong._ O! my conscience, this girl grows so headstrong---- - -Sir _Fran._ Ay, ay, there's your fine growing spirit for you! Now tack -it dawn, an' you can. - -_Jenny._ All I said, Papa, was only to entertain my cousin _Manly_. - -_Man._ My pretty dear, I am mightily obliged to you. - -_Jenny._ Look you there now, Madam. - -Lady _Wrong._ Hold your tongue, I say. - -_Jenny._ [_Turning away and glowting._] I declare it, I won't bear it: -she is always snubbing me before you, Sir!----I know why she does it -well enough---- - - [_Aside to the Count._ - -Count _Bas._ Hush! hush, my dear! don't be uneasy at that! she'll -suspect us. - - [_Aside._ - -_Jenny._ Let her suspect, what do I care----I don't know, but I have as -much reason to suspect, as she--tho' perhaps I'm not so afraid of her. - -Count _Bas._ [_Aside._] I'gad, if I don't keep a tight hand on my tit -here, she'll run away with my project before I can bring it to bear. - -Lady _Wrong._ [_Aside._] Perpetually hanging upon him! The young harlot -is certainly in love with him; but I must not let them see I think -so----and yet I can't bear it: Upon my life, Count, you'll spoil that -forward girl----you should not encourage her so. - -Count _Bas._ Pardon me, Madam, I was only advising her to observe what -your Ladyship said to her. - -_Man._ Yes, truly, her observations have been something particular. - - [_Aside._ - - Count _Bas._ In one word, Madam, she has a } - jealousy of your Ladyship, and I am forc'd to } - encourage her, to blind it; 'twill be better to } - take no notice of her behaviour to me. } - } - Lady _Wrong._ You are right, I will be more } - cautious. } _Apart._ - } - Count _Bas._ To-morrow at the masquerade, } - we may lose her. } - } - Lady _Wrong._ We shall be observ'd. I'll send } - you a note, and settle that affair----go on } - with the girl, and don't mind me. } - -Count _Bas._ I have been taking your part, my little angel. - -Lady _Wrong._ _Jenny_! come hither, child----you must not be so hasty -my dear----I only advise you for your good. - -_Jenny._ Yes, Mama; but when I am told of a thing before company it -always makes me worse, you know. - -_Man._ If I have any skill in the fair sex; Miss, and her Mama, have -only quarrel'd, because they are both of a mind. This facetious Count -seems to have made a very genteel step into the family. - - [_Aside._ - - _Enter ~Myrtilla~._ [_~Manly~ talks apart with her._] - -Lady _Wrong._ Well, Sir _Francis_, and what news have you brought us -from _Westminster_, to-day? - -Sir _Fran._ News, Madam? I'cod! I have some----and such as does not -come every day, I can tell you----a word in your ear----I have got a -promise of a place at Court of a thousand pawnd a year already. - -Lady _Wrong._ Have you so, Sir? And pray who may you thank for't? Now! -who is in the right? Is not this better than throwing so much away, -after a stinking pack of fox-hounds, in the country? Now your family -may be the better for it! - -Sir _Fran._ Nay! that's what persuaded me to come up, my Dove. - -Lady _Wrong._ Mighty well--come----let me have another hundred pound -then. - -Sir _Fran._ Another! child? Waunds! you have had one hundred this -morning, pray what's become of that, my dear? - -Lady _Wrong._ What's become of it? why I'll shew you, my Love! Jenny! -have you the bills about you? - -_Jenny._ Yes, Mama. - -Lady _Wrong._ What's become of it? Why laid out, my dear, with fifty -more to it, that I was forced to borrow of the Count here. - -_Jenny._ Yes, indeed, Papa, and that would hardly do neither--There's -th' account. - -Sir _Fran._ [_Turning over the bills._] Let's see! let's see! what the -devil have we got here? - - _Man._ Then you have sounded your aunt you } - say, and she readily comes into all I propos'd } - to you? } - } - _Myr._ Sir, I'll answer, with my life, she is } - most thankfully yours in every article: she } - mightily desires to see you, Sir. } _Apart._ - } - _Man._ I am going home directly; bring } - her to my house in half an hour; and if she } - makes good what you tell me, you shall both } - find your account in it. } - } - _Myr._ She shall not fail you. } - -Sir _Fran._ Ods-life, Madam, here's nothing but toys and trinkets, and -fans, and clock stockings, by whole-sale. - -Lady _Wrong._ There's nothing but what's proper, and for your credit, -Sir _Francis_----Nay you see I am so good a housewife, that in -necessaries for myself I have scarce laid out a shilling. - -Sir _Fran._ No, by my troth, so it seems; for the devil o' one thing's -here, that I can see you have any occasion for! - -Lady _Wrong._ My dear! do you think I came hither to live out of the -fashion? why, the greatest distinction of a fine lady in this town is -in the variety of pretty things she has no occasion for. - -_Jenny._ Sure, Papa, could you imagine, that women of quality wanted -nothing but stays and petticoats? - -Lady _Wrong._ Now, that is so like him! - -_Man._ So! the family comes on finely. - - [_Aside._ - -Lady _Wrong._ Lard, if men were always to govern, what dowdies would -they reduce their wives to! - -Sir _Fran._ An hundred pound in the morning, and want another before -night! waunds and fire! the Lord Mayor of London could not hold it at -this rate! - -_Man._ O! do you feel it, Sir? - - [_Aside._ - -Lady _Wrong._ My dear, you seem uneasy; let me have the hundred pound, -and compose yourself. - -Sir _Fran._ Compose the devil, Madam! why do you consider what a -hundred pound a day comes to in a year? - -Lady _Wrong._ My life, if I account with you from one day to another, -that's really all my head is able to bear at a time----But I'll tell -you what I consider----I consider that my advice has got you a thousand -pound a year this morning----That now methinks you might consider, Sir. - -Sir _Fran._ A thousand a year? wounds, madam, but I have not touch'd a -penny of it yet! - -_Man._ Nor ever will, I'll answer for him. - - [_Aside._ - - _Enter Squire ~Richard~._ - -Squ. _Rich._ Feyther an you doan't come quickly, the meat will be -coal'd: and I'd fain pick a bit with you. - -Lady _Wrong._ Bless me, Sir _Francis!_ you are not going to sup by -yourself! - -Sir _Fran._ No, but I am going to dine by myself, and that's pretty -near the matter, Madam. - -Lady _Wrong._ Had not you as good stay a little, my dear? we shall all -eat in half an hour; and I was thinking to ask my cousin _Manly_ to -take a family morsel with us. - -Sir _Fran._ Nay, for my cousin's good company, I don't care if I ride a -day's journey without baiting. - -_Man._ By no means, Sir _Francis_. I am going upon a little business. - -Sir _Fran._ Well, Sir, I know you don't love compliments. - -_Man._ You'll excuse me, Madam---- - -Lady _Wrong._ Since you have business, Sir---- - - [_Exit ~Manly~._ - - _Enter Mrs. ~Motherly~._ - -O, Mrs. _Motherly_! you were saying this morning, you had some very -fine lace to shew me----can't I see it now? - - [_Sir ~Francis~ stares._ - -_Moth._ Why, really Madam, I had made a sort of a promise to let the -Countess of _Nicely_ have the first sight of it for the birth-day: but -your Ladyship---- - -Lady _Wrong._ O! I die if I don't see it before her. - - Squ. _Rich._ Woan't you goa; Feyther? } - } - Sir _Fran._ Waunds! lad, I shall ha' noa } _Apart._ - stomach at this rate! } - -_Moth._ Well, Madam, though I say it, 'tis the sweetest pattern that -ever came over----and for fineness----no cobweb comes up to it! - -Sir _Fran._ Ods guts and gizard, Madam! lace as fine as a cobweb! why, -what the devil's that to cost now? - -_Moth._ Nay, Sir _Francis_ does not like of it, Madam---- - -Lady _Wrong._ He like it! dear Mrs. Motherly, he is not to wear it. - -Sir _Fran._ Flesh, Madam, but I suppose I am to pay for it. - -Lady _Wrong._ No doubt on't! think of your thousand a year, and who got -it you, go! eat your dinner, and be thankful, go. [_Driving him to the -door._] Come, Mrs. _Motherly_. - - [_Exit Lady ~Wronghead~ with Mrs. ~Motherly~._ - -Sir _Fran._ Very fine! so here I mun fast, 'till I am almost famished -for the good of my country; while Madam is laying me out an hundred -pounds a day in lace as fine as a cobweb, for the honour of my family! -ods-flesh; things had need go well at this rate! - -Squ. _Rich._ Nay, nay----come, feyther. - - [_Exit Sir ~Francis~._ - - _Enter Mrs. ~Motherly~._ - -_Moth._ Madam, my Lady desires you and the Count will please to come -and assist her fancy in some of the laces. - -Count _Bas._ We'll wait upon her-- - - [_Exit Mrs. ~Motherly~._ - -_Jenny._ So! I told you how it was! you see she can't bear to leave us -together. - -Count _Bas._ No matter, my dear: you know she has ask'd me to stay -supper: so when your papa and she are a-bed, Mrs. _Myrtilla_ will let -me into the house again; then you may steal into her chamber, and we'll -have a pretty sneaker of punch together. - -_Myr._ Ay, ay, Madam, you may command me any thing. - -_Jenny._ Well! that will be pure! - -Count _Bas._ But you had best go to her alone, my life: it will look -better if I come after you. - -_Jenny._ Ay, so it will: and to-morrow you know at the masquerade. And -then!----hey! _Oh, I'll have a husband! ay, marry_, &c. - - [_Exit singing._ - -_Myr._ So, Sir! am not I very _commode_ to you? - -Count _Bas._ Well, child, and don't you find your account in it? did -not I tell you we might still be of use to one another? - -_Myr._ Well, but how stands your affair with Miss, in the main? - -Count _Bas._ O she's mad for the masquerade! it drives like a nail, we -want nothing now but a parson, to clinch it. Did not your aunt say she -could get one at a short warning? - -_Myr._ Yes, yes, my Lord _Townly_'s chaplain is her cousin, you know; -he'll do your business and mine, at the same time. - -Count _Bas._ O! it's true! but where shall we appoint him? - -_Myr._ Why, you know my Lady _Townly_'s house is always open to the -masques upon a ball-night, before they go to the _Hay-market_. - -Count _Bas._ Good. - -_Myr._ Now the Doctor purposes, we should all come thither in our -habits, and when the rooms are full, we may steal up into his chamber, -he says, and there----crack----he'll give us all canonical commission -to go to bed together. - -Count _Bas._ Admirable! Well, the devil fetch me, if I shall not be -heartily glad to see thee well settled, child. - -_Myr._ And may the black gentleman tuck me under his arm at the same -time, if I shall not think myself oblig'd to you, as long as I live. - -Count _Bas._ One kiss for old acquaintance sake----I'gad I shall want -to be busy again! - -_Myr._ O you'll have one shortly will find you employment: but I must -run to my squire. - -Count _Bas._ And I to the ladies----so your humble servant, sweet Mrs. -_Wronghead_. - -_Myr._ Yours, as in duty bound, most noble Count _Basset_. - - [_Exit ~Myr~._ - -Count _Bas._ Why ay! Count! That title has been of some use to me -indeed! not that I have any more pretence to it, than I have to a -blue ribband. Yet, I have made a pretty considerable figure in life -with it: I have loll'd in my own chariot, dealt at assemblies, din'd -with Ambassadors, and made one at quadrille, with the first women of -quality----But----_Tempora mutantur_----since that damn'd squadron at -_White_'s have left me out of their last secret, I am reduced to trade -upon my own stock of industry, and make my last push upon a wife: if my -card comes up right (which I think can't fail) I shall once more cut a -figure, and cock my hat in the face of the best of them! for since our -modern men of fortune are grown wise enough to be sharpers: I think -sharpers are fools that don't take up the airs of men of quality. - - [_Exit._ - - - - -+ACT+ V. +SCENE+ I. - - +SCENE+, _Lord_ Townly's _House_. - - - _Enter ~Manly~ and Lady ~Grace~._ - -_Man._ There's something, Madam, hangs upon your mind, to-day: is it -unfit to trust me with it? - -Lady _Grace._ Since you will know----my sister then----unhappy woman! - -_Man._ What of her? - -Lady _Grace._ I fear is on the brink of ruin! - -_Man._ I am sorry for it----what has happened? - -Lady _Grace._ Nothing so very new! but the continual repetition of it, -has at last rais'd my brother to an intemperance that I tremble at. - -_Man._ Have they had any words upon it? - -Lady _Grace._ He has not seen her since yesterday. - -_Man._ What, not at home all night! - -Lady _Grace._ About five this morning in she came! but with such looks, -and such an equipage of misfortunes at her heels----what can become of -her? - -_Man._ Has not my lord seen her, say you? - -Lady _Grace._ No! he chang'd his bed last night----I sat with him alone -till twelve, in expectation of her: but when the clock had struck, he -started from his chair, and grew incens'd to that degree, that had I -not, almost on my knees, dissuaded him, he had ordered the doors that -instant to have been locked against her. - -_Man._ How terrible is his situation? when the most justifiable -severities he can use against her, are liable to be the mirth of all -the dissolute card-tables in town! - -Lady _Grace._ 'Tis that, I know, has made him bear so long: but you -that feel for him, Mr. _Manly_, will assist him to support his honour, -and, if possible, preserve his quiet! therefore I beg you don't leave -the house, 'till one or both of them can be wrought to better temper. - -_Man._ How amiable is this concern, in you! - -Lady _Grace._ For heaven's sake don't mind me, but think of something -to preserve us all. - -_Man._ I shall not take the merit of obeying your commands, Madam, to -serve my Lord----but pray, Madam, let me into all that has past, since -yesternight. - -Lady _Grace._ When my intreaties had prevail'd upon my Lord, not to -make a story for the town, by so public a violence, as shutting her at -once out of his doors; he order'd the next apartment to my lady's to be -made ready for him----while that was doing----I try'd by all the little -arts I was mistress of, to amuse him into temper; in short, a silent -grief was all I could reduce him to----on this, we took our leaves, -and parted to our repose: what his was, I imagine by my own: for I -ne'er clos'd my eyes. About five, as I told you, I heard my lady at the -door; so I slipt on a gown, and sat almost an hour with her in her own -chamber. - -_Man._ What said she, when she did not find my Lord there? - -Lady _Grace._ O! so far from being shock'd or alarm'd at it; that she -blest the occasion! and said that in her condition, the chat of a -female friend was far preferable to the best husband's company in the -world. - -_Man._ Where has she spirits to support so much insensibility? - -Lady _Grace._ Nay! it's incredible! for though she had lost every -shilling she had in the world, and stretch'd her credit ev'n to -breaking; she rallied her own follies with such vivacity, and painted -the penance, she knows she must undergo for them, in such ridiculous -lights, that had not my concern for a brother been too strong for her -wit, she had a'most disarm'd my anger. - -_Man._ Her mind may have another cast by this time: the most flagrant -dispositions have their hours of anguish; which their pride conceals -from company; but pray, Madam, how could she avoid coming down to dine? - -Lady _Grace._ O! she took care of that before she went to bed; by -ordering her woman, whenever she was ask'd for, to say, she was not -well. - -_Man._ You have seen her since she was up, I presume? - -Lady _Grace._ Up! I question whether she be awake yet. - -_Man._ Terrible! What a figure does she make now! That nature should -throw away so much beauty upon a creature, to make such a slatternly -use of it! - -Lady _Grace._ O fy! there is not a more elegant beauty in town, when -she's drest. - -_Man._ In my eye, Madam, she that's early drest, has ten times her -elegance. - -Lady _Grace._ But she won't be long now, I believe: for I think I see -her chocolate going up----Mrs. _Trusty_,--a hem! - - _Mrs. ~Trusty~ comes to the door._ - -_Man._ [_Aside._] Five o'clock in the afternoon, for a lady of -quality's breakfast, is an elegant hour indeed! which to shew her more -polite way of living too, I presume, she eats in her bed. - -Lady _Grace._ [_To Mrs. ~Trusty~._] And when she is up, I would be glad -she would let me come to her toilet--That's all, Mrs. _Trusty_. - -_Trusty._ I will be sure to let her ladyship know, Madam. - - [_Exit Mrs. ~Trusty~._ - - _Enter a Servant._ - -_Serv._ Sir _Francis Wronghead_, Sir, desires to speak with you. - -_Man._ He comes unseasonably----what shall I do with him! - -Lady _Grace._ O see him by all means, we shall have time enough; in the -mean while I'll step in, and have an eye upon my brother. Nay, nay, -don't mind me--have business.---- - -_Man._ You must be obey'd---- - - [_Retreating while Lady Grace goes out._ - -Desire _Sir Francis_ to walk in---- - - [_Exit servant._ - -I suppose by this time his wise worship begins to find, that the -balance of his journey to London is on the wrong side. - - _Enter Sir ~Francis~._ - -Sir _Francis_, your servant; how came I by the favour of this -extraordinary visit? - -Sir _Fran._ Ah! cousin! - -_Man._ Why that sorrowful face, man? - -Sir _Fran._ I have no friend alive but you---- - -_Man._ I am sorry for that----but what's the matter? - -Sir _Fran._ I have play'd the fool by this journey, I see now----for my -bitter wife---- - -_Man._ What of her? - -Sir _Fran._ Is playing the devil! - -_Man._ Why truly, that's a part that most of your fine ladies begin -with, as soon as they get to _London_. - -Sir _Fran._ If I am a living man, cousin, she has made away with above -two hundred and fifty pounds since yesterday morning! - -_Man._ Hah! I see a good housewife will do a great deal of work in a -little time. - -Sir _Fran._ Work do they call it! fine work indeed! - -_Man._ Well, but how do you mean made away with it? What, she has laid -it out, may be----but I suppose you have an account of it. - -Sir _Fran._ Yes, yes, I have had the account indeed; but I mun needs -say, it's a very sorry one. - -_Man._ Pray, let's hear. - -Sir _Fran._ Why, first I let her have an hundred and fifty, to get -things handsom about her, to let the world see that I was somebody! and -I thought that sum very genteel. - -_Man._ Indeed I think so; and in the country, might have serv'd her a -twelvemonth. - -Sir _Fran._ Why so it might----but here in this fine tawn, forsooth! it -could not get through four and twenty hours----for in half that time, -it was all squandered away in baubles, and new fashion'd trumpery. - -_Man._ O! for ladies in _London_, Sir _Francis_, all this might be -necessary. - -Sir _Fran._ Noa, theere's the plague on't! the devil o' one useful -thing do I see for it, but two pair of lac'd shoes, and those stond me -in three pound three shillings a pair too. - -_Man._ Dear Sir! this is nothing! Why we have city wives here, that -while their good man is selling three penny worth of sugar, will give -you twenty pound for a short apron. - -Sir _Fran._ Mercy on us! what a mortal poor devil is a husband! - -_Man._ Well, but I hope you have nothing else to complain of? - -Sir _Fran._ Ah would I could say so too--but there's another hundred -behind yet, that goes more to my heart, than all that went before it. - -_Man._ And how might that be disposed of? - -Sir _Fran._ Troth I am almost ashamed to tell you. - -_Man._ Out with it. - -Sir _Fran._ Why she has been at an assembly. - -_Man._ What, since I saw you! I thought you had all supt at home last -night? - -Sir _Fran._ Why, so we did----and all as merry as grigs----I'cod! my -heart was so open, that I toss'd another hundred into her apron, to go -out early this morning with----but the cloth was no sooner taken away, -than in comes my Lady _Townly_ here, (----who between you and I----mum! -has had the devil to pay yonder----) with another rantipole dame of -quality, and out they must have her, they said, to introduce her at my -Lady _Noble_'s assembly forsooth----a few words, you may be sure, made -the bargain----so, bawnce! and away they drive as if the devil had got -into the coach box--so about four or five in the morning----home comes -Madam, with her eyes a foot deep in her head----and my poor hundred -pound left behind her at the hazard-table. - -_Man._ All lost at dice! - -Sir _Fran._ Every shilling----among a parcel of pig-tail puppies, and -pale fac'd women of quality. - -_Man._ But pray, Sir _Francis_, how came you, after you found her so -ill an housewife of one sum, so soon to trust her with another? - -Sir _Fran._ Why truly I mun say that was partly my own fault: for if -I had not been a blab of my tongue, I believe that last hundred might -have been sav'd. - -_Man._ How so? - -Sir _Fran._ Why, like an owl as I was, out of goodwill, forsooth, -partly to keep her in humour, I must needs tell her of the thousand -pound a year, I had just got the promise of--I'cod! she lays her claws -upon it that moment----said it was all owing to her advice, and truly -she would have her share on't. - -_Man._ What, before you had it yourself? - -Sir _Fran._ Why ay! that's what I told her----My dear, said I, mayhap I -mayn't receive the first quarter on't this half year. - -_Man._ Sir _Francis_, I have heard you with a great deal of patience, -and I really feel compassion for you. - -Sir _Fran._ Truly and well you may cousin, for I don't see that my -wife's goodness is a bit the better, for bringing to _London_. - -_Man._ If you remember I gave you a hint of it. - -Sir _Fran._ Why ay, it's true you did so: but the devil himself could -not have believ'd she would have rid post to him. - -_Man._ Sir, if you stay but a fortnight in this town you will every -day see hundreds as fast upon the gallop, as she is. - -Sir _Fran._ Ah! this _London_ is a base place indeed----waunds, if -things should happen to go wrong with me at _Westminster_, at this -rate, how the devil shall I keep out of jail! - -_Man._ Why truly, there seems to me but one way to avoid it. - -Sir _Fran._ Ah! wou'd you could tell me that, cousin. - -_Man._ The way lies plain before you, Sir; the same road that brought -you hither will carry you safe home again. - -Sir _Fran._ Ods-flesh! cousin, what! and leave a thousand pound a year -behind me? - -_Man._ Pooh! pooh! leave any thing behind you, but your family, and you -are a saver by it. - -Sir _Fran._ Ay, but consider, cousin, what a scurvy figure I shall make -in the country, if I come dawn withawt it! - -_Man._ You will make a much more lamentable figure in jail without it. - -Sir _Fran._ Mayhap 'at yow have no great opinion of it then, cousin? - -_Man._ Sir _Francis_, to do you the service of a real friend, I must -speak very plainly to you: you don't yet see half the ruin that's -before you. - -Sir _Fran._ Good-lack! how may yow mean, cousin? - -_Man._ In one word, your whole affairs stand thus----In a week you'll -lose your seat at _Westminster_: In a fortnight my lady will run you -into jail, by keeping the best company----In four and twenty hours, -your daughter will run away with a sharper, because she han't been -us'd to better company: and your son will steal into marriage with a -cast-mistress, because he has not been us'd to any company at all. - -Sir _Fran._ I'th' name of goodness why should you think all this? - -_Man._ Because I have proof of it; in short, I know so much of their -secrets, that if all this is not prevented to-night, it will be out of -your power to do it to-morrow morning. - -Sir _Fran._ Mercy upon us! you frighten me----Well, Sir, I will be -govern'd by yow: but what am I to do in this case? - -_Man._ I have not time here to give you proper instructions; but about -eight this evening, I'll call at your lodgings; and there you shall -have full conviction, how much I have it at heart to serve you. - - _Enter a Servant._ - -_Serv._ Sir, my Lord desires to speak with you. - -_Man._ I'll wait upon him. - -Sir _Fran._ Well then, I'll go straight home, naw. - -_Man._ At eight depend upon me. - -Sir _Fran._ Ah! dear cousin! I shall be bound to you as long as I live. -Mercy deliver us! what a terrible journey have I made on't! - - [_Exeunt severally._ - - -_The +SCENE+ opens to a dressing room. Lady ~Townly~, as just up, -walks to her toilet, leaning on Mrs. ~Trusty~._ - -_Trusty._ Dear Madam, what should make your Ladyship so out of order! - -Lady _Town._ How is it possible to be well, where one is kill'd for -want of sleep? - -_Trusty._ Dear me! it was so long before you rung, Madam, I was in -hopes your Ladyship had been finely compos'd. - -Lady _Town._ Compos'd! why I have laid in an inn here! this house -is worse than an inn with ten stage-coaches! What between my lord's -impertinent people of business in a morning, and the intolerable thick -shoes of footmen at noon, one has not a wink all night. - -_Trusty._ Indeed, Madam, it's a great pity my Lord can't be persuaded -into the hours of people of quality----Though I must say that, Madam, -your Ladyship is certainly the best matrimonial manager in town. - -Lady _Town._ Oh! you are quite mistaken, _Trusty_! I manage very ill! -for notwithstanding all the power I have, by never being over-fond of -my lord----yet I want money infinitely oftener than he is willing to -give it me. - -_Trusty._ Ah, if his lordship could but be brought to play himself, -Madam, then he might feel what it is to want money. - -Lady _Town._ Oh! don't talk of it! do you know that I am undone, -_Trusty_? - -_Trusty._ Mercy forbid, Madam! - -Lady _Town._ Broke! ruin'd! plunder'd!----stripp'd, even to a -confiscation of my last guinea. - -_Trusty._ You don't tell me so, Madam! - -Lady _Townly._ And where to raise ten pound in the world----What is to -be done _Trusty_? - -_Trusty._ Truly, I wish I was wise enough to tell you, Madam: but may -be your ladyship may have a run of better fortune, upon some of the -good company that comes here to-night. - -Lady _Town._ But I have not a single guinea to try my fortune! - -_Trusty._ Ha! that's a bad business indeed, Madam--Adad! I have a -thought in my head, Madam, if it is not too late---- - -Lady _Town._ Out with it quickly then, I beseech thee? - -_Trusty._ Has not the steward something of fifty pound, Madam, that you -left in his hands to pay somebody about this time? - -Lady _Town._ O! ay! I had forgot--'twas to--a--what's his filthy name? - -_Trusty._ Now I remember, Madam, 'twas to Mr. _Lutestring_, your old -mercer, that your ladyship turn'd off, about a year ago, because he -would trust you no longer. - -Lady _Town._ The very wretch! if he has not paid it, run quickly, dear -_Trusty_, and bid him bring it hither immediately----[_Exit ~Trusty~._] -Well! sure mortal woman never had such fortune! five! five, and nine, -against poor seven for ever!----No! after that horrid bar of my chance, -that Lady _Wronghead_'s fatal red fist upon the table, I saw it was -impossible, ever to win another stake----Sit up all night! lose all -one's money! dream of winning thousands! wake without a shilling! and -then how like a hag I look! In short----the pleasures of life are not -worth this disorder! If it were not for shame now, I could almost -think, Lady _Grace_'s sober scheme not quite so ridiculous----If my -wise lord could but hold his tongue for a week, 'tis odds, but I should -hate the town in a fortnight----But I will not be driven out of it, -that's positive! - - [_~Trusty~ returns._ - -_Trusty._ O Madam! there is no bearing it! Mr. _Lutestring_ was just -let in at the door, as I came to the stair-foot! and the steward is now -actually paying him the money in the hall. - -Lady _Town._ Run to the stair case head, again----and scream to him, -that I must speak with him this instant. - - [_~Trusty~ runs out, and speaks._ - - _Trusty._ Mr. _Poundage_----a hem! Mr. } - _Poundage_, a word with you quickly. } - } - _Pound._ [_Within._] I'll come to you presently. } - } - _Trusty._ Presently won't do, man, you must } - come this minute. } _Without._ - } - _Pound._ I am but just paying a little money, } - here. } - } - _Trusty._ Cods my life! paying money? is } - the man distracted? come here I tell you, } - to my lady, this moment, quick! } - - [_~Trusty~ returns._ - -Lady _Town._ Will the monster come or no?---- - -_Trusty._ Yes, I hear him now, Madam, he is hobbling up, as fast as he -can. - -Lady _Town._ Don't let him come in--for he will keep such a babbling -about his accounts,----my brain is not able to bear him. - - [_~Poundage~ comes to the door with a money-bag in his hand._ - -_Trusty._ O! it's well you are come, Sir! where's the fifty-pound? - -_Pound._ Why here it is; if you had not been in such haste, I should -have paid it by this time----the man's now writing a receipt, below, -for it. - -_Trusty._ No matter! my lady says, you must not pay him with that -money, there is not enough, it seems; there's a pistole and a guinea -that's not good, in it----besides there is a mistake in the account -too----[_Twitching the bag from him._] But she is not at leisure to -examine it now; so you must bid Mr. What-d'ye-call-um call another time. - -Lady _Town._ What is all that noise there? - -_Pound._ Why and it please your Ladyship---- - -Lady _Town._ Pr'ythee! don't plague me now, but do as you were order'd. - -_Pound._ Nay, what your Ladyship pleases, Madam---- - - [_Exit ~Poundage~._ - -_Trusty._ There they are, Madam----[_Pours the money out of the bag._] -The pretty things----were so near falling into a nasty tradesman's -hands, I protest it made me tremble for them----I fancy your ladyship -had as good give me that bad guinea, for luck's sake--thank you, Madam. - - [_Takes a guinea._ - -Lady _Town._ Why, I did not bid you take it. - -_Trusty._ No, but your ladyship look'd as if you were just going to bid -me, and so I was willing to save you the trouble of speaking, Madam. - -Lady _Town._ Well! thou hast deserv'd it, and so for once----but hark! -don't I hear the man making a noise yonder? though I think now we may -compound for a little of his ill humour---- - -_Trusty._ I'll listen. - -Lady _Town._ Pr'ythee do. - - [_~Trusty~ goes to the door._ - -_Trusty._ Ay! they are at it, Madam--he's in a bitter passion, with -poor _Poundage_----bless me! I believe he'll beat him----mercy on us; -how the wretch swears! - -Lady _Town._ And a sober citizen too! that's a shame! - -_Trusty._ Ha! I think all's silent, of a sudden----may be the porter -has knock'd him down--I'll step and see---- - - [_Exit ~Trusty~._ - -Lady _Town._ Those trades-people are the troublesomest creatures! no -words will satisfy them! - - [_~Trusty~ returns._ - -_Trusty._ O Madam! undone! undone! my lord has just bolted out upon -the man, and is hearing all his pitiful story over----if your ladyship -pleases to come hither, you may hear him yourself! - -Lady _Town._ No matter: it will come round presently: I shall have it -all from my Lord, without losing a word by the way, I'll warrant you. - -_Trusty._ O lud! Madam! here's my lord just coming in. - -Lady _Town._ Do you get out of the way then. [_Exit ~Trusty~._] I am -afraid I want spirits! but he will soon give 'em me. - - _Enter Lord ~Townly~._ - -Lord _Town._ How comes it, Madam, that a tradesman dares be clamorous -in my house, for money due to him, from you? - -Lady _Town._ You don't expect, my lord, that I should answer for other -peoples impertinence! - -Lord _Town._ I expect, Madam, you should answer for your own -extravagances, that are the occasion of it----I thought I had given you -money three months ago, to satisfy all these sort of people! - -Lady _Town._ Yes, but you see they are never to be satisfied. - -Lord _Town._ Nor am I, Madam, longer to be abus'd thus! what's become -of the last five hundred I gave you? - -Lady _Town._ Gone. - -Lord _Town._ Gone! what way, Madam? - -Lady _Town._ Half the town over, I believe, by this time. - -Lord _Town._ 'Tis well! I see ruin will make no impression, 'till it -falls upon you. - -Lady _Town._ In short, my Lord, if money is always the subject of our -conversation, I shall make you no answer. - -Lord _Town._ Madam, Madam! I will be heard, and make you answer. - -Lady _Town._ Make me! then I must tell you, my Lord, this is a language -I have not been us'd to, and I won't bear it. - -Lord _Town._ Come! come, Madam, you shall bear a great deal more before -I part with you. - -Lady _Town._ My Lord, if you insult me, you will have as much to bear, -on your side, I can assure you. - -Lord _Town._ Pooh! your spirit grows ridiculous----you have neither -honour, worth, or innocence, to support it! - -Lady _Town._ You'll find, at least, I have resentment! and do you look -well to the provocation! - -Lord _Town._ After those you have given me, Madam, 'tis almost infamous -to talk with you. - -Lady _Town._ I scorn your imputation and your menaces! The narrowness -of your heart's your monitor! 'tis there! there, my lord, you are -wounded; you have less to complain of than many husbands of an equal -rank to you. - -Lord _Town._ Death, Madam! do you presume upon your corporal merit! -that your person's less tainted, than your mind! is it there! there -alone an honest husband can be injur'd? Have you not every other vice -that can debase your birth, or stain the heart of woman? Is not your -health, your beauty, husband, fortune, family disclaim'd, for nights -consumed in riot and extravagance? The wanton does no more; if she -conceals her shame, does less: And sure the dissolute avow'd, as sorely -wrongs my honour, and my quiet. - -Lady _Town._ I see, my Lord, what sort of wife might please you. - -Lord _Town._ Ungrateful woman! could you have seen yourself, you in -yourself had seen her----I am amaz'd our legislature has left no -precedent of a divorce for this more visible injury, this adultery of -the mind, as well as that of the person! when a woman's whole heart is -alienated to pleasures I have no share in, what is't to me whether a -black ace, or a powder'd coxcomb has possession of it? - -Lady _Town._ If you have not found it yet, my lord, this is not the way -to get possession of mine, depend upon it. - -Lord _Town._ That, Madam, I have long despair'd of; and since our -happiness cannot be mutual, 'tis fit, that with our hearts, our persons -too should separate.----This house you sleep no more in! tho' your -content might grosly feed upon the dishonour of a husband, yet my -desires would starve upon the features of a wife. - -Lady _Town._ Your stile, my lord, is much of the same delicacy with -your sentiments of honour. - -Lord _Town._ Madam, Madam! this is no time for compliments----I have -done with you. - -Lady _Town._ If we had never met, my Lord, I had not broke my heart for -it! but have a care I may not, perhaps, be so easily recall'd as you -imagine. - -Lord _Town._ Recall'd--Who's there! - - _Enter a Servant._ - -Desire my sister and Mr. _Manly_ to walk up. - -Lady _Town._ My Lord, you may proceed as you please, but pray what -indiscretions have I committed, that are not daily practis'd by a -hundred other women of quality? - -Lord _Town._ 'Tis not the number of ill wives, Madam, that makes the -patience of a husband less contemptible: and though a bad one may be -the best man's lot, yet he'll make a better figure in the world, that -keeps his misfortunes out of doors, than he that tamely keeps her -within. - -Lady _Town._ I don't know what figure you may make, my Lord, but I -shall have no reason to be asham'd of mine in whatever company I may -meet you. - -Lord _Town._ Be sparing of your spirit, Madam, you'll need it to -support you. - - _Enter Lady ~Grace~ and ~Manly~._ - -Mr. _Manly_, I have an act of friendship to beg of you, which wants -more apologies, than words can make for it. - -_Man._ Then pray make none, my Lord, that I may have the greater merit -in obliging you. - -Lord _Town._ Sister, I have the same excuse to intreat of you too. - -Lady _Grace._ To your request, I beg, my Lord. - -Lord _Town._ Thus then----as you both were present at my ill considered -marriage, I now desire you each will be a witness of my determin'd -separation----I know, Sir, your good nature, and my sister's must -be shock'd at the office I impose on you! but as I don't ask your -justification of my cause; so I hope you are conscious----that an ill -woman can't reproach you, if you are silent, upon her side. - -_Man._ My lord, I never thought, 'till now, it could be difficult to -oblige you. - -Lady _Grace._ [_Aside._] Heaven's! how I tremble! - -Lord _Town._ For you, my Lady _Townly_, I need not here repeat the -provocations of my parting with you--the world, I fear, is too well -informed of them----For the good lord, your dead father's sake, I will -still support you, as his daughter----As the lord _Townly_'s wife, you -have had every thing a fond husband could bestow, and (to our mutual -shame I speak it) more than happy wives desire----But those indulgences -must end! State, equipage and splendor, but ill become the vices that -misuse 'em----The decent necessaries of life shall be supply'd----but -not one article to luxury! Not even the coach that waits to carry -you from hence, shall you ever use again! Your tender aunt, my Lady -_Lovemore_, with tears, this morning has consented to receive you; -where if time, and your condition brings you to a due reflection, your -allowance shall be increased----But if you still are lavish of your -little, or pine for past licentious pleasures, that little shall be -less! nor will I call that soul my friend, that names you in my hearing! - -Lady _Grace._ My heart bleeds for her. - - [_Aside._ - -Lord _Town._ O _Manly_! look there! turn back thy thoughts with me, -and witness to my growing love; there was a time when I believ'd that -form incapable of vice or of decay! There I proposed the partner of an -easy home! There I for ever hoped to find, a chearful companion, an -agreeable intimate, a faithful friend, a useful help-mate, and a tender -mother----But oh! how bitter now the disappointment! - -_Man._ The world is different in its sense of happiness: offended as -you are, I know you still will be just. - -Lord _Town._ Fear me not. - -_Man._ This last reproach, I see, has struck her. - - [_Aside._ - -Lord _Town._ No, let me not (though I this moment cast her from my -heart for ever) let me not urge her punishment beyond her crimes----I -know the world is fond of any tale that feeds its appetite of scandal: -and as I am conscious, severities of this kind seldom fail of -imputations too gross to mention, I here, before you both acquit her of -the least suspicion rais'd against the honour of my bed. Therefore when -abroad her conduct may be question'd, do her fame that justice. - -Lady _Town._ O sister! - - [_Turns to Lady ~Grace~ weeping._ - -Lord _Town._ When I am spoken of, where without favour this action -may be canvass'd, relate but half my provocations, and give me up to -censure. - - [_Going._ - -Lady _Town._ Support me! save me! hide me from the world! - - [_Falls on Lady ~Grace~'s neck._ - -Lord _Town._ [_Returning._]----I had forgot me--You have no share in my -resentment; therefore, as you have liv'd in friendship with her, your -parting may admit of gentler terms than suit the honour of an injur'd -husband. - - [_Offers to go out._ - -_Man._ [_Interposing._] My Lord, you must not, shall not leave her -thus! one moment's stay can do your cause no wrong! If looks can speak -the anguish of the heart, I'll answer with my life, there's something -labouring in her mind, that would you bear the hearing, might deserve -it. - -Lord _Town._ Consider! since we no more can meet; press not my staying -to insult her. - -Lady _Town._ Yet stay my Lord----the little I would say, will not -deserve an insult; and undeserv'd, I know your nature gives it not. But -as you've call'd in friends, to witness your resentment, let them be -equal hearers of my last reply. - -Lord _Town._ I shan't refuse you that, Madam----be it so. - -Lady _Town._ My Lord, you ever have complain'd I wanted love; but as -you kindly have allowed I never gave it to another; so when you hear -the story of my heart, though you may still complain, you will not -wonder at my coldness. - -Lady _Grace._ This promises a reverse of temper. - - [_Apart._ - -_Man._ This, my Lord, you are concern'd to hear! - -Lord _Town._ Proceed, I am attentive. - -Lady _Town._ Before I was your bride, my Lord, the flattering world -had talk'd me into beauty; which, at my glass, my youthful vanity -confirm'd: wild with that fame, I thought mankind my slaves, I -triumph'd over hearts while all my pleasure was their pain: yet was my -own so equally insensible to all, that when a father's firm commands -enjoin'd me to make choice of one, I even there declin'd the liberty he -gave, and to his own election yielded up my youth----his tender care, -my Lord, directed him to you----Our hands were join'd! But still my -heart was wedded to its folly! My only joy was power, command, society, -profuseness, and to lead in pleasures! The husband's right to rule, -I thought a vulgar law, which only the deform'd or meanly spirited -obey'd! I knew no directors, but my passions; no matter but my will! -even you, my lord, some time o'ercome by love, was pleas'd with my -delights; nor, then foresaw this mad misuse of your indulgence----And, -though I call myself ungrateful, while I own it, yet as a truth, it -cannot be deny'd----That kind indulgence has undone me! it added -strength to my habitual failings, and in a heart thus warm, in wild -unthinking life, no wonder if the gentler sense of love was lost. - - Lord _Town._ O _Manly_! where has this creature's } - heart been buried? } - } _Apart._ - _Man._ If yet recoverable----How vast a } - treasure? } - -Lady _Town._ What I have said, my lord, is not my excuse; but my -confession! my errors (give 'em if you please, a harder name) cannot -be defended! No! What's in its nature wrong, no words can palliate, -no plea can alter! What then remains in my condition but resignation -to your pleasure? Time only can convince you of my future conduct: -Therefore till I have liv'd an object of forgiveness, I dare not hope -for pardon----The penance of a lonely contrite life were little to the -innocent; but to have deserv'd this separation, will strew perpetual -thorns upon my pillow. - -Lady _Grace._ O happy, heavenly hearing! - -Lady _Town._ Sister, farewel! [_Kissing her._] Your virtue needs no -warning from the shame that falls on me: but when you think I have -aton'd my follies past----persuade your injur'd brother to forgive them. - -Lord _Town._ No, Madam! Your errors thus renounc'd, this instant are -forgotten! So deep, so due a sense of them, has made you, what my -utmost wishes form'd, and all my heart has sigh'd for. - -Lady _Town._ [_Turning to Lady ~Grace~._] How odious does this goodness -make me! - -Lady _Grace._ How amiable your thinking so? - -Lord _Town._ Long-parted friends, that pass through easy voyages -of life, receive but common gladness in their meeting: but from a -shipwreck sav'd, we mingle tears with our embraces! - - [_Embracing Lady ~Townly~._ - -Lady _Town._ What words! what love! what duty can repay such -obligations! - -Lord _Town._ Preserve but this desire to please, your power is endless. - -Lady _Town._ Oh!----'till this moment, never did I know, my Lord, I had -a heart to give you! - -Lord _Town._ By heav'n this yielding hand, when first it gave you to -my wishes, presented not a treasure more desirable! O _Manly_! sister! -as you have often shar'd in my disquiet, partake of my felicity! my -new-born joy! see here the bride of my desires! this may be called my -wedding-day! - -Lady _Grace._ Sister! (for now methinks that name is dearer to my heart -than ever) let me congratulate the happiness that opens to you. - -_Man._ Long, long and mutual may it flow---- - -Lord _Town._ To make our happiness compleat, my dear, join here with me -to give a hand, that amply will repay the obligation. - -Lady _Town._ Sister! a day like this---- - -Lady _Grace._ Admits of no excuse against the general joy. - - [_Gives her hand to ~Manly~._ - -_Man._ A joy like mine----despairs of words to speak it. - -Lord _Town._ O _Manly_! how the name of friend endears the brother! - - [_Embracing him._ - -_Man._ Your words, my Lord, will warn me to deserve them. - - _Enter a Servant._ - -_Serv._ My Lord, the apartments are full of masqueraders----And some -people of quality there desire to see your Lordship and my Lady. - -Lady _Town._ I thought, my Lord, your orders had forbid this revelling? - -Lord _Town._ No, my dear, _Manly_ has desir'd their admittance -to-night, it seems, upon a particular occasion----Say we will wait upon -them instantly. - - [_Exit Servant._ - -Lady _Town._ I shall be but ill company to them. - -Lord _Town._ No matter: not to see them, would on a sudden to be too -particular. Lady _Grace_ will assist you to entertain them. - -Lady _Town._ With her, my Lord, I shall be always easy----Sister, to -your unerring virtue, I commit the guidance of my future days. - - Never the paths of pleasure more to tread, - But where your guarded innocence shall lead. - For in the marriage-state the world must own, - Divided happiness was never known. - To make it mutual, nature points the way: - Let husbands govern: gentle wives obey. - - [_Exit._ - - - _The +SCENE+ opening to another apartment discovers a great number - of people in masquerade talking all together, and playing one - upon another: Lady ~Wronghead~ as a shepherdess; ~Jenny~, as - a nun; the Squire as a running footman; and the Count in a - ~Domino~. After some time, Lord and Lady ~Townly~, with Lady - ~Grace~, enter to them unmask'd._ - -Lord _Town._ So! here's a great deal of company. - -Lady _Grace._ A great many people, my Lord, but no company----as you'll -find----for here's one now, that seems to have a mind to entertain us. - - [_A mask, after some affected gesture, makes up to - Lady ~Townly~._ - -_Mask._ Well, dear Lady _Townly_, shan't we see you, by-and-by? - -Lady _Town._ I don't know you, Madam. - -_Mask._ Don't you, seriously? - - [_In a squeaking tone._ - -Lady _Town._ Not I, indeed. - -_Mask._ Well, that's charming; but can't you guess? - -Lady _Town._ Yes, I could guess wrong, I believe. - -_Mask._ That's what I'd have you to do. - -Lady _Town._ But, Madam, if I don't know you at all, is not that as -well? - -_Mask._ Ay, but you do know me. - -Lady _Town._ Dear sister, take her off o' my hands; there's no bearing -this. - - [_Apart._ - -Lady _Grace._ I fancy I know you, Madam. - -_Mask._ I fancy you don't: what makes you think you do? - -Lady _Grace._ Because I have heard you talk. - -_Mask._ Ay, but you don't know my voice, I'm sure. - -Lady _Grace._ There is something in your wit and humour, Madam, so -very much your own, it is impossible you can be any body but my Lady -_Trifle_. - -_Mask._ [Unmasking.] Dear Lady Grace! thou art a charming creature. - -Lady _Grace._ Is there no body else we know here? - -_Mask._ O dear, yes! I have found out fifty already. - -Lady _Grace._ Pray who are they? - -_Mask._ O, charming company! there's Lady _Ramble_----Lady -_Riot_----Lady _Kill-Care_----Lady _Squander_----Lady _Strip_----Lady -_Pawn_----and the Dutchess of _Single-Guinea_. - - Lord _Town._ Is it not hard, my dear! that } - people of sense and probity are sometimes } - forc'd to seem fond of such company? } _Apart._ - } - Lady _Town._ My Lord, it will always give } - me pain to remember their acquaintance, but } - none to drop it immediately. } - -Lady _Grace._ But you have given us no account of the men, Madam. Are -they good for any thing? - -_Mask._ O yes! you must know, I always find out them by their -endeavours to find out me. - -Lady _Grace._ Pray who are they? - -_Mask._ Why, for your men of tip-top wit and pleasure, about -town, there's my Lord----_Bite_----Lord _Arch-wag_----Young -_Brazen-wit_----Lord _Timberdown_----Lord _Joint-Life_----and----Lord -_Mortgage_. Then for your pretty fellows only----there's Sir -_Powder-Peacock_----Lord _Lapwing_----_Billy Magpye_----Beau -_Frightful_----Sir _Paul Plaster-crown_, and the Marquis of -_Monkey-man_. - -Lady _Grace._ Right; and these are fine gentlemen that never want -elbow-room at an assembly. - -_Mask._ The rest I suppose, by their tawdry hired habits are tradesmens -wives, inns-of-court beaus, _Jews_, and kept mistresses. - -Lord _Town._ An admirable collection! - -Lady _Grace._ Well, of all our public diversions, I am amaz'd how this, -that is so very expensive, and has so little to shew for it, can draw -so much company together. - -Lord _Town._ O! if it were not expensive, the better sort would not -come into it: and because money can purchase a ticket, the common -people scorn to be kept out of it. - -_Mask._ Right, my Lord, poor Lady Grace! I suppose you are under the -same astonishment, that an opera should draw so much good company. - -Lady _Grace._ Not at all, Madam; it is an easier matter sure to gratify -the ear, than the understanding. But have you no notion, Madam, of -receiving pleasure and profit at the same time? - -_Mask._ Oh! quite none! unless it be sometimes winning a great stake; -laying down a Vole, sans prendre may come up, to the profitable -pleasure you were speaking of. - - Lord _Town._ You seem attentive, my dear? } - } - Lady _Town._ I am, my Lord; and amaz'd at } _Apart._ - my own follies so strongly painted in another } - woman. } - -Lady _Grace._ But see, my Lord, we had best adjourn our debate, I -believe, for here are some masks that seem to have a mind to divert -other people as well as themselves. - -Lord _Town._ The least we can do is to give them a clear stage then. - - [_A dance of masks here in various characters._ - -This was a favour extraordinary. - - _Enter ~Manly~._ - -O _Manly_! I thought we had lost you. - -_Man._ I ask pardon, my Lord; but I have been oblig'd to look a little -after my country family. - -Lord _Town._ Well, pray, what have you done with them? - -_Man._ They are all in the house here, among the masks, my Lord; if -your Lordship has curiosity enough, to step into a lower apartment, in -three minutes I'll give you an ample account of them. - -Lord _Town._ O! by all means: we'll wait upon you. - - [_The scene shuts upon the masks to smaller apartments._ - - _~Manly~ re-enters with Sir ~Francis Wronghead~._ - -Sir _Fran._ Well, cousin, you have made my very hair stand on an end! -Waunds! if what you tell me be true, I'll stuff my whole family into a -stage-coach, and trundle them into the country on _Monday_ morning. - -_Man._ Stick to that, Sir, and we may yet find a way to redeem all: in -the mean time, place yourself behind this screen, and for the truth of -what I have told you take the evidence of your own senses: but be sure -you keep close till I give you the signal. - -Sir _Fran._ Sir! I'll warrant you----Ah! my Lady, my Lady _Wronghead!_ -What a bitter business have you drawn me into! - -_Man._ Hush! to your post; here comes one couple already. - - _Sir ~Francis~ retires behind the screen._ - - [_Exit ~Manly~._ - - _Enter ~Myrtilla~ with Squire ~Richard~._ - -Squ. _Rich._ What! is this the doctor's chamber? - -_Myr._ Yes, yes, speak softly. - -Squ. _Rich._ Well, but where is he? - -_Myr._ He'll be ready for us presently, but he says he can't do us the -good turn, without witnesses: so, when the Count and your sister come, -you know he and you may be fathers for one another. - -Squ. _Rich._ Well, well, tit for tat! ay, ay, that will be friendly. - -_Myr._ And see! here they come. - - _Enter Count ~Basset~, and Miss ~Jenny~._ - -Count _Bas._ So, so, here's your brother, and his bride, before us, my -dear. - -_Jenny._ Well, I vow my heart's at my mouth still! I thought I should -never have got rid of Mama! but while she stood gaping on the dance, I -gave her the slip! Lawd! do but feel how it beats here. - -Count _Bas._ O the pretty flutterer! I protest, my dear, you have put -mine into the same palpitation! - -_Jenny._ Ah! you say so----but let's see now----O lud! I vow it thumps -purely--well, well, I see it will do, and so where's the parson? - -Count _Bas._ Mrs. _Myrtilla_, will you be so good as to see if the -doctor's ready for us? - -_Myr._ He only staid for you, Sir: I'll fetch him immediately. - - [_Exit ~Myrtilla~._ - -_Jenny._ Pray, Sir, am not I to take place of Mama, when I am a -countess? - -Count _Bas._ No doubt on't, my dear. - -_Jenny._ O lud how her back will be up then, when she meets me at an -assembly! or you and I in our coach and six, at _Hyde-Park_ together! - -Count _Bas._ Ay, or when she hears the box-keepers, at an Opera, call -out--_The Countess of_ Basset's _servants_! - -_Jenny._ Well, I say it, that will be delicious! And then, mayhap, to -have a fine gentleman with a star and what-d'ye-call-um ribbon, lead -me to my chair, with his hat under his arm all the way! Hold up, says -the chairman, and so, says I, my Lord, your humble servant. I suppose, -Madam, says he, we shall see you at my Lady _Quadrille_'s! Ay, ay, -to be sure, my Lord, says I----So in swops me, with my hoop stuff'd -up to my forehead! and away they trot, swing! swang! with my tassels -dangling, and my flambeaux blazing, and----Oh! it's a charming thing to -be a woman of quality! - -Count _Bas._ Well, I see that plainly, my dear, there's ne'er a -Dutchess of 'em all will become an equipage like you. - -_Jenny._ Well, well, do you find equipage, and I'll find airs, I -warrant you. - - [_Sings._ - -Squ. _Rich._ Troth! I think this masquerading's the merriest game that -ever I saw in my life! Thof, in my mind, and there were but a little -wrestling, or cudgel playing naw, it would help it hugely. But what -a-rope makes the parson stay so? - -Count _Bas._ Oh! here he comes, I believe. - - _Enter ~Myrtilla~ with a constable._ - -_Const._ Well, Madam, pray which is the party that wants a spice of my -office here? - -_Myr._ That's the gentleman. - - [_Pointing to the Count._ - -Count _Bas._ Hey-day! what in masquerade, doctor? - -_Const._ Doctor! Sir, I believe you have mistaken your man: but if you -are called Count _Basset_, I have a _billet-doux_ in my hand for you, -that will set you right presently. - -Count _Bas._ What the devil's the meaning of all this? - -_Const._ Only my Lord Chief Justice's warrant against you for forgery, -Sir. - -Count _Bas._ Blood and thunder! - -_Const._ And so, Sir, if you please to pull off your fool's frock -there, I'll wait upon you to the next Justice of peace immediately. - -_Jenny._ O dear me! what's the matter? - - [_Trembling._ - -Count _Bas._ O! nothing, only a masquerading frolic, my dear. - -Squ. _Rich._ Oh oh! is that all? - -Sir _Fran._ No, Sirrah! that is not all. - - [_Sir ~Francis~ coming softly behind the Squire, knocks him - down with his cane._ - - _Enter ~Manly~._ - -Squ. _Rich._ O lawd! O lawd! he has beaten my brains out! - -_Man._ Hold, hold, Sir _Francis_, have a little mercy upon my poor -godson, pray, Sir. - -Sir _Fran._ Waunds, cousin, I han't patience. - -Count _Bas._ _Manly_! nay, then I'm blown to the devil. - - [_Aside._ - -Squ. _Rich._ O my head! my head! - - _Enter Lady ~Wronghead~._ - -Lady _Wrong._ What's the matter here, gentlemen? for heav'ns sake! -what, are you murd'ring my children? - -_Con._ No, no, Madam! no murder! only a little suspicion of felony, -that's all. - -Sir _Fran._ [_To ~Jenny~._] And for you, Mrs. _Hot-upon't_, I could -find in my heart to make you wear that habit, as long as you live, -you jade you. Do you know, hussy, that you were within two minutes of -marrying a pickpocket? - -Count _Bas._ So, so, all's out, I find. - - [_Aside._ - -_Jenny._ O the mercy! why, pray, Papa, is not the Count a man of -quality then? - -Sir _Fran._ O yes! one of the unhang'd ones, it seems. - -Lady _Wrong._ [_Aside._] Married! O the confident thing! There was his -urgent business then----slighted for her! I han't patience!--and for -ought I know, I have been all this while making a friendship with a -highwayman! - -_Man._ Mr. _Constable_, secure that door there. - -Sir _Fran._ Ah, my Lady! my Lady! this comes of your journey to -_London_! but now I have a frolick of my own, Madam; therefore pack up -your trumpery this very night, for the moment my horses are able to -crawl, you and your brats shall make a journey into the country again. - -Lady _Wrong._ Indeed you are mistaken, Sir _Francis_----I shall not -stir out of town yet, I promise you. - -Sir _Fran._ Not stir! Waunds! madam---- - -_Man._ Hold, Sir!--if you'll give me leave a little--I fancy I shall -prevail upon my Lady to think better on't. - -Sir _Fran._ Ah? cousin, you are a friend indeed! - -_Man._ [_Apart to my Lady._] Look you, Madam, as to the favour you -design'd me, in sending this spurious letter inclosed to my Lady -_Grace_, all the revenge I have taken, is to have sav'd your son and -daughter from ruin----Now if you will take them fairly and quietly into -the country again, I will save your Ladyship from ruin. - -Lady _Wrong._ What do you mean, Sir? - -_Man._ Why Sir _Francis_----shall never know what is in this letter; -look upon it. How it came into my hands you shall know at leisure. - -Lady _Wrong._ Ha! my _billet-doux_ to the Count! and an appointment in -it! I shall sink with confusion! - -_Man._ What shall I say to Sir _Francis_, Madam? - -Lady _Wrong._ Dear Sir, I am in such a trembling! preserve my honour -and I am all obedience! - - [_Apart to ~Manly~._ - -_Man._ Sir _Francis_----my Lady is ready to receive your commands for -her journey whenever you please to appoint it. - -Sir _Fran._ Ah cousin! I doubt I am obliged to you for it. - -_Man._ Come, come, Sir _Francis_! take it as you find it. Obedience in -a wife is a good thing, though it were never so wonderful----And now, -Sir, we have nothing to do but dispose of this gentleman. - -Count _Bas._ Mr. _Manly_! Sir, I hope you won't ruin me. - -_Man._ Did not you forge this note for five hundred pounds, Sir? - -Count _Bas._ Sir----I see you know the world, and therefore I shall -not pretend to prevaricate----But it has hurt nobody yet, Sir! I beg -you will not stigmatize me! since you have spoil'd my fortune in one -family, I hope you won't be so cruel to a young fellow, as to put it -out of my power, Sir, to make it in another, Sir! - -_Man._ Look you, Sir, I have not much time to waste with you: but if -you expect mercy yourself, you must show it to one you have been cruel -to. - -Count _Bas._ Cruel, Sir! - -_Man._ Have not you ruin'd this young woman? - -Count _Bas._ I, Sir! - -_Man._ I know you have----therefore you can't blame her, if, in the -fact you are charg'd with, she is a principal witness against you. -However, you have one and one only chance to get off with. Marry her -this instant----and you take off her evidence. - -Count _Bas._ Dear Sir! - -_Man._ No words, Sir; a wife or a _mittimus_. - -Count _Bas._ Lord, Sir! this is the most unmerciful mercy! - -_Man._ A private penance, or a public one----constable. - -Count _Bas._ Hold, Sir, since you are pleas'd to give me my choice; I -will not make so ill a compliment to the Lady, as not to give her the -preference. - -_Man._ It must be done this minute, Sir: the chaplain you expected is -still within call. - -Count _Bas._ Well, Sir,----since it must be so----come, spouse----I am -not the first of the fraternity that has run his head into one noose, -to keep it out of another. - -_Myr._ Come, Sir, don't repine: marriage is, at worst, but playing upon -the square. - -Count _Bas._ Ay, but the worst of the match too, is the devil. - -_Man._ Well, Sir, to let you see it is not so bad as you think it; as -a reward for her honesty, in detecting your practices, instead of the -forged bill you would have put upon her, there's a real one of five -hundred pounds, to begin a new honey-moon with. - - [_Gives it to Myrtilla._ - -Count _Bas._ Sir, this is so generous an act---- - -_Man._ No compliments, dear Sir,----I am not at leisure now to receive -them: Mr. _Constable_, will you be so good as to wait upon this -gentleman into the next room, and give this lady in marriage to him? - -_Const._ Sir, I'll do it faithfully. - -Count _Bas._ Well! five hundred will serve to make a handsome push -with, however. - - [_Exeunt Count, ~Myr.~ and Constable._ - -Sir _Fran._ And that I may be sure my family's rid of him for -ever----come, my Lady, let's even take our children along with us, and -be all witness of the ceremony. - - [_Exeunt Sir ~Fran~, Lady ~Wrong~, Miss and Squire._ - -_Man._ Now, my Lord, you may enter. - - _Enter Lord and Lady ~Townly~, and Lady ~Grace~._ - -Lord _Town._ So, Sir, I give you joy of your negotiation. - -_Man._ You overheard it all, I presume? - -Lady _Grace._ From first to last, Sir. - -Lord _Town._ Never were knaves and fools better dispos'd of. - -_Man._ A sort of poetical justice, my Lord, not much above the judgment -of a modern comedy. - -Lord _Town._ To heighten that resemblance, I think, sister, there only -wants your rewarding the hero of the fable, by naming the day of his -happiness. - -Lady _Grace._ This day, to-morrow, every hour, I hope, of life to come, -will shew I want not inclination to complete it. - -_Man._ Whatever I may want, Madam, you will always find endeavours to -deserve you. - -Lord _Town._ Then all are happy. - -Lady _Town._ Sister! I give you joy! consummate as the happiest pair -can boast. - - In you methinks, as in a glass, I see - The happiness that once advanc'd to me. - So visible the bliss, so plain the way, - How was it possible my sense could stray? - But now, a convert, to this truth, I come, - That married happiness is never found from home. - - - - -EPILOGUE, - - - Spoken by Mrs. +OLDFIELD+. - - _Methinks I hear some powder'd Critics say, - "Damn it! this Wife Reform'd has spoil'd the play! - The coxcomb should have drawn her more in fashion, } - Have gratify'd her softer inclination, } - Have tipt her a gallant, and clinch'd the provocation." } - But there our Bard stopt short: for 'twere uncivil - T' have made a modern ~Belle~ all o'er a Devil! - He hop'd, in honour of the sex, the age - Would bear one mended woman----on the stage._ - - _From whence, you see by common sense's rules, - Wives might be govern'd, were not husbands fools. - Whate'er by Nature dames are prone to do, - They seldom stray but when they govern you. - When the wild wife perceives her deary tame, - No wonder then she plays him all the game. - But men of sense meet rarely that disaster; - Women take pride, where merit is their master: - Nay, she that with a weak man wisely lives, - Will seem t' obey the due commands he gives! - Happy obedience is no more a wonder, - When men are men, and keep them kindly under. - But modern consorts are such high-bred creatures, - They think a husband's power degrades their features; - That nothing more proclaims a reigning beauty, - Than that she never was reproach'd with duty; - And that the greatest blessing Heav'n e'er sent, - Is in a spouse, incurious and content. - To give such dames a diff'rent cast of thought, - By calling home the mind, these scenes were wrought. - If with a hand too rude, the task is done, - We hope the scheme by Lady ~Grace~ laid down, - Will all such freedom with the sex atone. - That virtue there unsoil'd, by modish art, - Throw out attractions for a ~Manly~'s heart._ - - _You, you, then Ladies, whose unquestion'd lives - Give you the foremost fame of happy wives, - Protect, for its attempt, this helpless play; - Nor leave it to the vulgar taste a prey; - Appear the frequent champions of its cause, - Direct the crowd and give yourselves applause._ - - - - -_Sung by Mrs. ~=Cibber=~, in the Fourth Act._ - - - The Words by =Mr. Carey=. - - Oh, I'll have a husband! ay, marry; - For why should I longer tarry, - For why should I longer tarry - Than other brisk girls have done? - For if I stay, 'till I grow gray, - They'll call me old maid, and fusty old jade; - So I'll no longer tarry; - But I'll have a husband, ay, marry, - If money can buy me one. - - My mother she says I'm too coming; - And still in my ears she is drumming, - And still in my ears she is drumming, - That I such vain thoughts shou'd shun. - My sisters they cry, oh fy! and oh fy! - But yet I can see they're as coming as me; - So let me have husbands in plenty: - I'd rather have twenty times twenty, - Than die an old maid undone. - - - - -_Sung by Mrs. ~=Cibber=~, in the Fifth Act._ - - - The Words by =Mr. Carey=. - - I. - - What tho' they call me country lass, - I read it plainly in my glass, - That for a Dutchess I might pass: - Oh, could I see the day! - Would fortune but attend my call, - At park, at play, at ring and ball, - I'd brave the proudest of them all, - With a _stand by----clear the way_. - - II. - - Surrounded by a crowd of beaux, - With smart toupees, and powder'd clothes, - At rivals I'll turn up my nose; - Oh, could I see the day! - I'll dart such glances from these eyes, - Shall make some Lord or Duke my prize; - And then, oh! how I'll tyrannise, - With _stand by----clear the way_. - - III. - - Oh! then for ev'ry new delight, - For equipage and diamonds bright, - _Quadrille_, and plays, and balls all night; - Oh! could I see the day! - Of love and joy I'd take my fill, - The tedious hours of life to kill, - In ev'ry thing I'd have my will, - With a _stand by----clear the way_. - - FINIS. - - +PLAYS+, _printed for_ =T. 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Bodens, Esq. - Momus turned Fabulist - Mother-in-Law, by Mr. Miller - Mourning Bride, printed by Baskerville - Mustapha, by Mr. Mallet - - No one's Enemy but his Own, by Mr. Murphy - - - - - - TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES - - - Note The Confederacy does not begin with a title page for the play. - - Silently corrected simple spelling, grammar, and typographical - errors. - - Retained anachronistic and non-standard spellings as printed. - - Enclosed italics font in _underscores_. - - Enclosed unitalicized font in ~tildes~. - - Enclosed unitalicized small cap font in =equals=. - - Enclosed letter-spaced characters in +plus signs+. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Plays, vol. 2, by John Vanbrugh - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PLAYS, VOL. 2 *** - -***** This file should be named 51114-0.txt or 51114-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/1/1/51114/ - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, Mark C. 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