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Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..096f873 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #51113 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/51113) diff --git a/old/51113-0.txt b/old/51113-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 5311cd8..0000000 --- a/old/51113-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,17854 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Plays, vol. 1, by John Vanbrugh - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Plays, vol. 1 - -Author: John Vanbrugh - -Release Date: February 2, 2016 [EBook #51113] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PLAYS, VOL. 1 *** - - - - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, Mark C. Orton and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) - - - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - - PLAYS, - - - WRITTEN BY - - Sir =John Vanbrugh=. - - IN TWO VOLUMES. - - =Volume= the =First=. - - CONTAINING, - - The =Relapse=; Or, =Virtue= in =Danger=. - - The =Provok'd Wife=, with a new Scene. - - =Æsop=, in two =Parts=. - - The =False Friend=. - - * * * * * - - LONDON: - - Printed for =J. Rivington=, =T. Longman=, - =T. Lowndes=, =S. Caslon=, =C. Corbett=, - =S. Bladon=, =W. Nicoll=, =T. Evans=, - and =M. Waller=. - - MDCCLXXVI. - - - - -AN - -ACCOUNT - -OF THE - -LIFE and WRITINGS - -OF THE - -AUTHOR. - - -Sir _John Vanbrugh_, an eminent dramatic Writer, Son of Mr. _Giles -Vanbrugh_, of _London_, Merchant, was born in the Parish of _St. -Stephen_'s, _Wallbrook_, in 1666. The Family of _Vanbrugh_ were for -many Years Merchants of great Credit and Reputation, at _Antwerp_, and -came into _England_ in the reign of Queen _Elizabeth_, on account of -the Persecution for Religion. - -Sir _John_ received a very liberal Education, and at the Age of -nineteen, was sent by his Father to _France_, where he continued some -Years: He became very eminent for his Poetry, to which he discovered an -early propension. And, pity it is, that this agreeable Writer had not -discovered his Wit, without any Mixture of that Licentiousness, which, -tho' it pleased, tended to corrupt the Audience. - -_The Relapse_ was the first Play our Author produced, but not the first -he had written; for he had at that Time by him, all the Scenes of _The -Provok'd Wife_; but being then doubtful whether he should ever trust it -to the Stage, he flung it by, and thought no more of it: Why the last -written Play was first acted, and for what Reason they were given to -different Stages, what follows will explain. - -Upon our Author's first Step into public Life, when he was but an -Ensign in the Army, and had a Heart greatly above his Income, he -happened somewhere at his Winter Quarters, upon a slender Acquaintance -with Sir _Thomas Skipwith_, to receive a particular Obligation from -him; and many Years afterwards, when Sir _Thomas_'s Interest in a -Theatrical Patent (which he had a large Share in, though he little -concerned himself in the Conduct of it) was rising but very slowly, -Sir _John_ thought that to give it a lift by a new Comedy, might be -the handsomest Return he could make to those his former Favours; -accordingly he soon after finished _The Relapse, or, Virtue in Danger_, -which was acted at the Theatre in _Drury-Lane_, in 1696, with universal -Applause. - -Upon the Success of _The Relapse_, the late Lord _Hallifax_, who was a -favourer of _Betterton_'s Company, having formerly heard some Scenes -of _The Provok'd Wife_ read to him, engaged Sir _John Vanbrugh_ to -revise it, and give it to that Company. This was a Request not to be -refused to so eminent a Patron of the Muses as Lord _Hallifax_, who was -equally a Friend and Admirer of Sir _John_ himself; nor was Sir _Thomas -Skipwith_ in the least disobliged by so reasonable a Compliance. _The -Provok'd Wife_ was accordingly acted at the Theatre in _Lincoln's -Inn-Fields_ in 1697, with great Success. - -Tho' this Play met with so favourable a Reception, yet it was not -without its Enemies: People of the graver Sort blamed the looseness -of the Scenes, and the unguarded freedom of the Dialect; and indeed -Sir _John_ himself appears to have been sensible of the immorality -of his Scenes; for in the Year 1725, when this Play was revived, he -thought proper to substitute a new Scene in the fourth Act, in place of -another, in which, in the wantonness of his Wit, he had made a Rake -talk like a Rake, in the Habit of a Clergyman; to avoid which Offence, -he put the same Debauchee into the Undress of a Woman of Quality; by -which means the Follies he exposed in the Petticoat, appeared to the -Audience innocent and entertaining; which new Scene is now for the -first Time printed at the End of the Play. - -Soon after the Success of _The Provok'd Wife_, Sir _John_ produced the -Comedy of _Esop_, in two Parts, which was acted at the Theatre-Royal in -_Drury Lane_, in 1697. This was originally written in _French_ by Mr. -_Boursaut_, about six Years before; but the Scenes of Sir _Polydorus -Hogstye_, the Players, and the Beau, were added by our Author. This -Play contains a great deal of general Satire, and useful Morality; -notwithstanding which, it met with but a cold Reception from the -Audience, and its run ended in about nine Days. This seemed the more -surprizing, as the _French_ Comedy was played to crowded Audiences -for a Month together. The little Success this Piece met with on the -_English_ Stage, cannot be better accounted for than in the Words -of Mr. _Cibber_, who, speaking of this Play, makes the following -Observation: "The Character that delivers Precepts of Wisdom, is in -some sort severe upon the Auditor, for shewing him one wiser than -himself; but when Folly is his Object, he applauds himself for being -wiser than the Coxcomb he laughs at; and who is not more pleased with -an Occasion to commend, than to accuse himself?" - -The next Play our Author wrote, was _The False Friend_, a Comedy, which -was acted at the Theatre-Royal in _Drury Lane_, in 1702. - -In 1703, Sir _John_ formed a Project of building a stately Theatre -in the _Haymarket_, for which he had interest enough to get a -Subscription of thirty Persons of Quality, at one hundred Pounds each, -in consideration whereof, every Subscriber was for his own Life to be -admitted to whatever Entertainments should be publicly performed there, -without any farther Payment for Entrance. - -In 1706, when this House was finished, Mr. _Betterton_ and his -Co-partners, who then acted at the Theatre in _Lincoln's Inn-Fields_, -dissolved their Agreement, and put themselves under the direction -of Sir _John Vanbrugh_ and Mr. _Congreve_, imagining, perhaps, that -the Conduct of two such eminent Authors might give a more prosperous -turn to their Affairs; that the Plays it would now be their interest -to write for them, would soon recover the Town to a true Taste, and -be an Advantage that no other Company could hope for; and that till -such Plays could be written, the Grandeur of their House, as it was a -new spectacle, might allure the Crowd to support them: But, if these -were their Views, they soon found their Dependance upon them was too -sanguine; for though Sir _John_ was a very expeditious Writer, yet Mr. -_Congreve_ was too judicious to let any Thing come unfinished from -his Pen. Besides, every proper Convenience of a good Theatre had been -sacrificed to shew the Audience a vast triumphal Piece of Architecture, -in which, by Means of the spaciousness of the Dome, plays could not be -successfully represented, because the Actors could not be distinctly -heard. - -Not long before this Time, the _Italian_ Opera began to steal into -_England_, but in as rude a Disguise as possible: notwithstanding -which, the new Monster pleased, though it had neither Grace, Melody, -nor Action, to recommend it. To strike in therefore with the prevailing -Fashion, Sir _John_ and Mr. _Congreve_ opened their New Theatre with a -translated Opera, set to _Italian_ Music, called _The Triumph of Love_; -but it met with a very cool Reception, being performed only three -Times--to thin Houses. - -Immediately upon the Failure of this Opera, Sir _John Vanbrugh_ brought -on his Comedy, called _The Confederacy_, taken, but very greatly -improved, from _Les Bourgeoises à la Mode_, of Monsieur _D'Ancourt_. -The Success of this Play was not equal to its Merit; for it is written -with an uncommon Vein of Wit and Humour; which plainly shews that the -difficulty of hearing, distinctly, in that large Theatre, was no small -Impediment to the Applause that might have followed the same Actors on -any other Stage; and indeed every Play acted there before the House -was altered, seemed to suffer greatly from the same Inconvenience; for -what few could plainly hear, it was not likely many could applaud. In -a Word, the Prospect of Profits from this Theatre was so very barren, -that Mr. _Congreve_, in a few Months, gave up his Share in it wholly to -Sir _John Vanbrugh_; who, as he had a happier Talent of throwing the -_English_ Spirit into his Translations, than any other Author who had -borrowed from them, he in the same Season produced _The Mistake_, a -Comedy, taken from _Le D'epit Amoureux_, of _Moliere_; and _The Country -House_, a Farce, translated from _The French_, which has been acted at -all the Theatres with general Applause. - -Sir _John_ soon afterwards, thoroughly tired of Theatrical Affairs, -determined to get rid of his Patent on the best Terms he could; he -accordingly made an Offer to Mr. _Owen Swiney_ of his House, Clothes, -and Scenes, with the Queen's Licence to employ them, upon Payment of -the Rent of five Pounds upon every acting Day, and not to exceed 700 -_l._ in the Year; with which Proposal Mr. _Swiney_ soon complied, and -managed that Stage for some Time after. - -Sir _John_ is not a little to be admired for his Spirit, and -readiness in producing Plays so fast upon the Neck of one another; -for, notwithstanding his quick Dispatch, there is a clear and lively -Simplicity in his Wit, that neither wants the Ornaments of Learning, -nor has the least Smell of the Lamp, as the Face of a fine Woman, with -her Locks loose about her, may then be in its greatest Beauty; such -were his Productions, only adorned by Nature. And there is, besides, -something so catching to the Ear, and so easy to the Memory, in all he -writ, that it has been observed by all the Actors of those Times, the -Stile of no Author whatsoever gave their Memory less Trouble, than that -of Sir _John Vanbrugh_. And indeed his Wit and Humour was so little -laboured, that his most entertaining Scenes seem to be no more than -his common Conversation committed to Paper. As his Conceptions were so -full of Life and Humour, it is not much to be wondered at, if his Muse -should be sometimes too warm to wait the slow Pace of Judgment, or to -endure the Drudgery of forming a regular Fable to them. - -Besides the Plays already mentioned, Sir _John_ left behind him Part -of a Comedy, called _A Journey to London_, which has since been made -an entire Play of by Mr. _Cibber_, and called _The Provoked Husband_, -and was acted at the Theatre-Royal, in _Drury Lane_, in 1727, for -twenty-eight Nights successively, with universal Applause. - -In 1703, he was appointed Clarencieux King of Arms, and in 1706 was -commissioned by Queen _Anne_ to carry the Habit and Ensigns of the -Order of the Garter to King _George_ the First, then at _Hanover_; he -was likewise Comptroller-General of the Board of Works, and Surveyor -of the Gardens and Waters. In the Year 1714, he received the Order -of Knighthood; and in 1719 he married _Henrietta Maria_, Daughter -of Colonel _Yarborough_, of _Haslington_, near _York_, by whom he -had three Children; _Charles_ the eldest was killed at the Battle of -_Fontenoy_, the other two died young. - -Sir _John_ died at his House in _Scotland-Yard_, the 26th of _March_, -1726, and is interred in the Family Vault, under the Church of _St. -Stephen_'s, _Wallbrook_. - -[Illustration] - - - - -THE - -RELAPSE: - -OR, - -VIRTUE in DANGER: - -A - -COMEDY. - - - Being the Sequel of _The Fool in Fashion_. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -THE - -PREFACE. - - -To go about to excuse half the Defects this abortive Brat is come -into the World with, would be to provoke the Town with a long useless -Preface, when it is, I doubt, sufficiently soured already by a tedious -Play. - -I do therefore (with all the Humility of a repenting Sinner) confess, -it wants every thing----but length; and in that, I hope, the severest -Critick will be pleas'd to acknowledge I have not been wanting. But -my Modesty will sure atone for every thing, when the World shall -know it is so great, I am even to this Day insensible of those two -shining Graces in the Play (which some part of the Town is pleas'd to -compliment me with) Blasphemy and Bawdy. - -For my part, I cannot find them out: If there were any obscene -Expressions upon the Stage, here they are in the Print; for I have -dealt fairly, I have not sunk a Syllable, that cou'd (though by racking -of Mysteries) be rang'd under that Head; and yet I believe with a -steady Faith, there is not one Woman of a real Reputation in Town, -but when she has read it impartially over in her Closet, will find -it so innocent, she will think it no Affront to her Prayer-Book, to -lay it upon the same Shelf. So to them (with all manner of Deference) -I entirely refer my cause; and I am confident they will justify me -against those Pretenders to Good-manners, who at the same time have so -little Respect for the Ladies, they wou'd extract a bawdy Jest from an -Ejaculation, to put them out of countenance. But I expect to have these -well-bred Persons always my Enemies, since I am sure I shall never -write any thing lewd enough to make them my Friends. - -As for the Saints (your thorough-pac'd ones, I mean, with skrew'd Faces -and wry Mouths) I despair of them; for they are Friends to nobody: -They love nothing but their Altars and themselves; they have too much -Zeal to have any Charity; they make Debauches in Piety, as Sinners do -in Wine; and are as quarrelsome in their Religion, as other People are -in their Drink: so I hope nobody will mind what they say. But if any -Man (with flat plod Shoes, a little Band, greasy Hair, and a dirty -Face, who is wiser than I, at the Expence of being forty Years older), -happens to be offended at a Story of a Cock and a Bull, and a Priest -and a Bull-dog, I beg his pardon with all my Heart; which, I hope, I -shall obtain, by eating my Words, and making this publick Recantation. -I do therefore, for his Satisfaction, acknowledge I lyed, when I said, -they never quit their hold; for in that little time I have liv'd in the -World, I thank God I have seen them forc'd to it more than once; but -next time I will speak with more Caution and Truth, and only say, they -have very good Teeth. - -If I have offended any honest Gentleman of the Town, whose Friendship -or good Word is worth the having, I am very sorry for it; I hope they -will correct me as gently as they can, when they consider I have had -no other Design, in running a very great Risk, than to divert (if -possible) some part of their Spleen, in spite of their Wives and their -Taxes. - -One Word more about the Bawdy, and I have done. I own the first Night -this thing was acted, some Indecencies had like to have happened; but -it was not my Fault. - -The fine Gentleman of the Play, drinking his Mistress's Health in -_Nants_ Brandy, from six in the Morning to the time he waddled on -upon the Stage in the Evening, had toasted himself up to such a pitch -of Vigour, I confess I once gave _Amanda_ for gone, and am since -(with all due respect to Mrs. _Rogers_) very sorry she escaped; for -I am confident a certain Lady (let no one take it to herself that -is handsome) who highly blames the Play, for the Barrenness of the -Conclusion, would then have allowed it a very natural Close. - -[Illustration] - - - - -PROLOGUE. - - - Spoken by _Miss_ =Cross=. - - _Ladies, this Play in too much haste was writ, - To be o'ercharg'd with either Plot or Wit; - 'Twas got, conceiv'd, and born in six Weeks Space, - And Wit, you know, 's as slow in Growth----as Grace. - Sure it can ne'er be ripen'd to your Taste; - I doubt 'twill prove our Author bred too fast: - For mark 'em well, who with the Muses marry, - They rarely do conceive, but they miscarry. - 'Tis the hard Fate of those who are big with Rhyme, - Still to be brought-to-bed before their Time. - Of our late Poets, Nature few has made; - The greatest part----are only so by Trade. - Still want of something brings the scribbling Fit; - For want of Money some of 'em have writ, - And others do't, you see--for want of Wit. - Honour, they fancy, summons 'em to write, - So out they lug in resty Nature's spight, - As some of you spruce Beaux do--when you fight. - Yet let the Ebb of Wit be ne'er so low, - Some Glimpse of it a Man may hope to show, - Upon a Theme so ample----as a ~Beau~. - So, howsoe'er true Courage may decay, - Perhaps there's not one Smock-Face here to-day, - But's bold as ~Cæsar~--to attack a Play. - Nay, what's yet more, with an undaunted Face, } - To do the Thing with more heroick Grace, } - 'Tis six to four y' attack the strongest Place. } - You are such Hotspurs in this kind of Venture, - Where there's no Breach, just there you needs must enter. - But be advis'd---- - E'en give the Hero and the Critique o'er, } - For Nature sent you on another score; } - She formed her ~Beau~, for nothing but her Whore._ } - -[Illustration] - - - - -Dramatis Personæ. - - -MEN. - - Sir _Novelty Fashion_, newly created } - Lord _Foppington_, } Mr. _Cibber_. - Young _Fashion_, his Brother, Mr. _Kent_. - _Loveless_, Husband to _Amanda_, Mr. _Verbruggen_. - _Worthy_, a Gentleman of the Town, Mr. _Powel_. - Sir _Tunbelly Clumsey_, a Country Gentleman, Mr. _Bullock_. - Sir _John Friendly_, his Neighbour, Mr. _Mills_. - _Coupler_, a Matchmaker, Mr. _Johnson_. - _Bull_, Chaplain to Sir _Tunbelly_, Mr. _Simpson_. - _Syringe_, a Surgeon, Mr. _Haynes_. - _Lory_, Servant to Young _Fashion_, Mr. _Dogget_. - Shoemaker, Taylor, Perriwig-maker, &c. - - -WOMEN. - - _Amanda_, Wife to _Loveless_, Mrs. _Rogers_. - _Berinthia_, her Cousin, a young Widow, Mrs. _Verbruggen_. - Miss _Hoyden_, a great Fortune, Daughter } - to Sir _Tunbelly_, } Mrs. _Cross_. - Nurse, her Governant, Mrs. _Powel_. - -[Illustration] - - THE - - RELAPSE; - - OR, - - VIRTUE in DANGER. - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ I. +SCENE+ I. - - - _Enter ~Loveless~, reading._ - - How true is that Philosophy which says - Our Heaven is seated in our Minds! - Through all the roving Pleasures of my Youth, - (Where Nights and Days seem all consum'd in Joy, - Where the false Face of Luxury - Display'd such Charms, - As might have shaken the most holy Hermit, - And made him totter at his Altar) - I never knew one Moment's Peace like this. - Here--in this little soft Retreat, - My thoughts unbent from all the Cares of Life, - Content with Fortune, - Eas'd from the grating Duties of Dependence, - From Envy free, Ambition under foot, - The raging Flame of wild destructive Lust - Reduc'd to a warm pleasing Fire of lawful Love, - My Life glides on, and all is well within. - - _Enter ~Amanda~._ - - Lov. _meeting her kindly._ - - How does the happy Cause of my Content, my dear _Amanda_? - You find me musing on my happy State, - And full of grateful Thoughts to Heaven, and you. - - _Aman._ Those grateful Offerings Heaven can't receive - With more Delight than I do: - Would I cou'd share with it as well - The Dispensations of its Bliss, - That I might search its choicest Favours out, - And shower 'em on your Head for ever. - - _Lov._ The largest Boons that Heaven thinks fit to grant - To Things it has decreed shall crawl on Earth, - Are in the Gift of Woman form'd like you. - Perhaps when Time shall be no more, - When the aspiring Soul shall take its Flight, - And drop this pond'rous Lump of Clay behind it, - It may have Appetites we know not of, - And Pleasures as refin'd as its Desires-- - But till that Day of Knowledge shall instruct me, - The utmost Blessing that my Thought can reach, - [_Taking her in his Arms._] Is folded in my Arms, and rooted in my - Heart. - - _Aman._ There let it grow for ever. - - _Lov._ Well said, _Amanda_--let it be for ever.-- - Wou'd Heaven grant that-- - - _Aman._ 'Twere all the Heaven I'd ask. - But we are clad in black Mortality, - And the dark Curtain of eternal Night - At last must drop between us. - - _Lov._ It must: that mournful Separation we must see. - A bitter Pill it is to all; but doubles its ungrateful Taste, - When Lovers are to swallow it; - - _Aman._ Perhaps that Pain may only be my Lot, - You possibly may be exempted from it; - Men find out softer ways to quench their Fires. - - _Lov._ Can you then doubt my Constancy, _Amanda_? - You'll find 'tis built upon a steady Basis---- - The Rock of Reason now supports my Love, - On which it stands so fix'd, - The rudest Hurricane of wild Desire - Wou'd, like the Breath of a soft slumbering Babe, - Pass by, and never shake it. - - _Aman._ Yet still 'tis safer to avoid the Storm; - The strongest Vessels, if they put to Sea, - May possibly be lost. - Wou'd I cou'd keep you here in this calm Port for ever! - Forgive the Weakness of a Woman, - I am uneasy at your going to stay so long in Town; - I know its false insinuating Pleasures; - I know the Force of its Delusions; - I know the Strength of its Attacks; - I know the weak Defence of Nature; - I know you are a Man--and I--a Wife. - - _Lov._ You know then all that needs to give you Rest, - For Wife's the strongest Claim that you can urge. - When you would plead your Title to my Heart, - On this you may depend; therefore be calm, - Banish your Fears, for they are Traitors to your Peace: - Beware of them, they are insinuating busy Things - That gossip to and fro, and do a World of Mischief - Where they come: But you shall soon be Mistress of 'em all, - I'll aid you with such Arms for their Destruction, - They never shall erect their Heads again. - You know the Business is indispensible, that obliges - Me to go to _London_, and you have no Reason, that I - Know of, to believe that I'm glad of the Occasion: - For my honest Conscience is my Witness, - I have found a due Succession of such Charms - In my Retirement here with you, - I have never thrown one roving Thought that way; - But since, against my Will, I'm dragg'd once more - To that uneasy Theatre of Noise, - I am resolv'd to make such use on't, - As shall convince you 'tis an old cast Mistress, - Who has been so lavish of her Favours, - She's now grown Bankrupt of her Charms, - And has not one Allurement left to move me. - - _Aman._ Her Bow, I do believe, is grown so weak, - Her Arrows (at this distance) cannot hurt you, - But in approaching 'em you give 'em Strength: - The Dart that has not far to fly, - Will put the best of Armour to a dangerous Trial. - - _Lov._ That Trial past, and y'are at ease for ever; - When you have seen the Helmet prov'd, - You'll apprehend no more for him that wears it: - Therefore to put a lasting Period to your Fears, - I am resolv'd, this once, to launch into Temptation. - I'll give you an Essay of all my Virtues; - My former boon Companions of the Bottle - Shall fairly try what Charms are left in Wine: - I'll take my Place amongst them, - They shall hem me in, - Sing Praises to their God, and drink his Glory; - Turn wild Enthusiasts for his sake, - And Beasts to do him Honour: - Whilst I, a stubborn Atheist, - Sullenly look on, - Without one reverend Glass to his Divinity. - That for my Temperance, - Then for my Constancy---- - - _Aman._ Ay, there take heed. - - _Lov._ Indeed the Danger's small. - - _Aman._ And yet my Fears are great. - - _Lov._ Why are you so timorous? - - _Aman._ Because you are so bold. - - _Lov._ My Courage should disperse your Apprehensions. - - _Aman._ My Apprehensions should alarm your Courage. - - _Lov._ Fy, fy, _Amanda_, it is not kind thus to distrust me. - - _Aman._ And yet my Fears are founded on my Love. - - _Lov._ For if you can believe 'tis possible - I shou'd again relapse to my past Follies, - I must appear to you a thing - Of such an undigested Composition, - That but to think of me with Inclination, - Wou'd be a Weakness in your Taste, - Your Virtue scarce cou'd answer. - - _Aman._ 'Twou'd be a Weakness in my Tongue, - My Prudence cou'd not answer, - If I shou'd press you farther with my Fears; - I'll therefore trouble you no longer with 'em. - - _Lov._ Nor shall they trouble you much longer, - A little time shall shew you they were groundless; - This Winter shall be the fiery Trial of my Virtue; - Which, when it once has past, - You'll be convinc'd 'twas of no false Allay, - There all your Cares will end-- - - _Aman._ Pray Heaven they may! - - [_Exeunt Hand in Hand._ - - -+SCENE+, _Whitehall._ - - _Enter ~Young Fashion~, ~Lory~, and ~Waterman~._ - -_Young Fash._ Come, pay the Waterman, and take the Pormanteau. - -_Lory._ Faith, Sir, I think the Waterman had as good take the -Portmanteau, and pay himself. - -_Young Fash._ Why sure there's something left in't. - -_Lory._ But a solitary old Waistcoat, upon my Honour, Sir. - -_Young Fash._ Why, what's become of the blue Coat, Sirrah? - -_Lory._ Sir, 'twas eaten at _Gravesend_; the Reckoning came to thirty -Shillings, and your Privy-Purse was worth but two Half-Crowns. - -_Young Fash._ 'Tis very well. - -_Wat._ Pray, Master, will you please to dispatch me? - -_Young Fash._ Ay, here a----Canst thou change me a Guinea? - -_Lory._ [_Aside._] Good. - -_Wat._ Change a Guinea, Master! Ha, ha, your Honour's pleas'd to -compliment. - -_Young Fash._ I'gad I don't know how I shall pay thee then, for I have -nothing but Gold about me. - -_Lory._ [_Aside._]--Hum, hum. - -_Young Fash._ What dost thou expect, Friend? - -_Wat._ Why, Master, so far against Wind and Tide, is richly worth half -a Piece. - -_Young Fash._ Why, faith, I think thou art a good conscionable Fellow. -I'gad, I begin to have so good an Opinion of thy Honesty, I care not if -I leave my Portmanteau with thee, till I send thee thy Money. - -_Wat._ Ha! God bless your Honour; I should be as willing to trust you, -Master, but that you are, as a Man may say, a Stranger to me, and these -are nimble Times; there are a great many Sharpers stirring. [_Taking -up the Portmanteau._] Well, Master, when your Worship sends the Money, -your Portmanteau shall be forthcoming. My Name's _Tugg_, my Wife keeps -a Brandy-Shop in _Drab-Ally_ at _Wapping_. - -_Young Fash._ Very well; I'll send for't to-morrow. - - [_Exit Wat._ - -_Lory._ So--Now, Sir, I hope you'll own yourself a happy Man, you have -outliv'd all your Cares. - -_Young Fash._ How so, Sir? - -_Lory._ Why you have nothing left to take care of. - -_Young Fash._ Yes, Sirrah, I have myself and you to take care of still. - -_Lory._ Sir, if you cou'd but prevail with somebody else to do that for -you, I fancy we might both fare the better for't. - -_Young Fash._ Why, if thou canst tell me where to apply myself, I have -at present so little Money, and so much Humility about me, I don't know -but I may follow a Fool's Advice. - -_Lory._ Why then, Sir, your Fool advises you to lay aside all -Animosity, and apply to Sir _Novelty_, your elder Brother. - -_Young Fash._ Damn my elder Brother. - -_Lory._ With all my heart; but get him to redeem your Annuity, however. - -_Young Fash._ My Annuity! 'Sdeath, he's such a Dog, he would not give -his Powder-Puff to redeem my Soul. - -_Lory._ Look you, Sir, you must wheedle him, or you must starve. - -_Young Fash._ Look you, Sir, I will neither wheedle him, nor starve. - -_Lory._ Why? what will you do then? - -_Young Fash._ I'll go into the Army. - -_Lory._ You can't take the Oaths; you are a Jacobite. - -_Young Fash._ Thou may'st as well say I can't take Orders because I'm -an Atheist. - -_Lory._ Sir, I ask your Pardon; I find I did not know the Strength of -your Conscience, so well as I did the Weakness of your Purse. - -_Young Fash._ Methinks, Sir, a Person of your Experience should have -known, that the Strength of the Conscience proceeds from the Weakness -of the Purse. - -_Lory._ Sir, I am very glad to find you have a Conscience able to -take care of us, let it proceed from what it will; but I desire -you'll please to consider, that the Army alone will be but a scanty -Maintenance for a Person of your Generosity (at least as Rents now are -paid); I shall see you stand in damnable need of some auxiliary Guineas -for your _menu Plaisirs_; I will therefore turn Fool once more for your -Service, and advise you to go directly to your Brother. - -_Young Fash._ Art thou then so impregnable a Blockhead, to believe -he'll help me with a Farthing? - -_Lory._ Not if you treat him, _de haut en bas_, as you use to do. - -_Young Fash._ Why, how would'st have me treat him? - -_Lory._ Like a Trout, tickle him. - -_Young Fash._ I can't flatter---- - -_Lory._ Can you starve? - -_Young Fash._ Yes---- - -_Lory._ I can't; Good-by t'ye, Sir-- - - [_Going._ - -_Young Fash._ Stay, thou wilt distract me. What would'st thou have me -to say to him? - -_Lory._ Say nothing to him, apply yourself to his Favourites; speak to -his Perriwig, his Cravat, his Feather, his Snuff-box, and when you are -well with them----desire him to lend you a Thousand Pounds. I'll engage -you prosper. - -_Young Fash._ 'Sdeath and Furies! Why was that Coxcomb thrust into the -World before me? O Fortune--Fortune--thou art a Bitch, by Gad---- - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _A Dressing-Room_. - - _Enter Lord ~Foppington~ in his Night-Gown._ - -_Lord Fop._ Page---- - - [_Enter Page._ - -_Page._ Sir. - -_Lord Fop._ Sir! Pray, Sir, do me the Favour to teach your Tongue the -Title the King has thought fit to honour me with. - -_Page._ I ask your Lordship's Pardon, my Lord. - -_Lord Fop._ O, you can pronounce the Word then----I thought it would -have choak'd you----D'ye hear? - -_Page._ My Lord. - -_Lord Fop._ Call La Varole, I wou'd dress-- - - [_Exit Page._ - - _Solus._ - -Well, 'tis an unspeakable Pleasure to be a Man of Quality----Strike me -dumb----My Lord----Your Lordship----My Lord _Foppington_--_Ah! c'est -quelque chose de beau, que le Diable m'emporte_---- - -Why the Ladies were ready to puke at me, whilst I had nothing but Sir -_Novelty_ to recommend me to 'em----Sure whilst I was but a Knight, -I was a very nauseous Fellow----Well, 'tis Ten Thousand Pawnd well -given----stap my Vitals---- - - _Enter ~La Varole~._ - -Me Lord, de Shoemaker, de Taylor, de Hosier, de Sempstress, de Peru, be -all ready, if your Lordship please to dress. - -_Lord Fop._ 'Tis well, admit 'em. - -_La Var._ Hey, Messieurs, entrez. - - _Enter ~Taylor~, ~&c.~_ - -_Lord Fop._ So, Gentlemen, I hope you have all taken pains to shew -yourselves Masters in your Professions. - -_Tayl._ I think I may presume to say, Sir---- - -_La Var._ My Lord----you Clawn you. - -_Tayl._ Why, is he made a Lord?----My Lord, I ask your Lordship's -Pardon; my Lord, I hope, my Lord, your Lordship will please to own, -I have brought your Lordship as accomplish'd a Suit of Clothes, as -ever Peer of _England_ trode the Stage in, my Lord: Will your Lordship -please to try 'em now? - -_Lord Fop._ Ay, but let my People dispose the Glasses so, that I may -see myself before and behind; for I love to see myself all raund---- - - [_Whilst he puts on his Clothes, enter ~Young Fashion~ - and ~Lory~._ - -_Young Fash._ Hey-dey, what the Devil have we here? Sure my Gentleman's -grown a Favourite at Court, he has got so many People at his Levee. - -_Lo._ Sir, these People come in order to make him a Favourite at Court, -they are to establish him with the Ladies. - -_Young Fash._ Good God! to what an Ebb of Taste are Women fallen, that -it shou'd be in the power of a lac'd Coat to recommend a Gallant to -'em---- - -_Lo._ Sir, Taylors and Perriwig-makers are now become the Bawds of the -Nation, 'tis they debauch all the Women. - -_Young Fash._ Thou sayest true; for there's that Fop now, has not by -Nature wherewithal to move a Cook-maid, and by that time these Fellows -have done with him, I'gad he shall melt down a Countess----But now for -my Reception, I engage it shall be as cold a one, as a Courtier's to -his Friend, who comes to put him in mind of his Promise. - -_Lord Fop._ _to his Taylor._] Death and eternal Tartures! Sir, I say -the Packet's too high by a Foot. - -_Tayl._ My Lord, if it had been an Inch lower, it would not have held -your Lordship's Pocket-Handkerchief. - -_Lord Fop._ Rat my Packet-Handkerchief! Have not I a Page to carry it? -You may make him a Packet up to his Chin a purpose for it; but I will -not have mine come so near my Face. - -_Tayl._ 'Tis not for me to dispute your Lordship's Fancy. - -_Young Fash. to Lory._] His Lordship! _Lory_, did you observe that? - -_Lo._ Yes, Sir; I always thought 'twould end there. Now, I hope, you'll -have a little more Respect for him. - -_Young Fash._ Respect! Damn him for a Coxcomb; now has he ruin'd his -Estate to buy a Title, that he may be a Fool of the first Rate: But -let's accost him---- - -_To Lord Fop._] Brother, I'm your Humble Servant. - -_Lord Fop._ O Lard, _Tam_; I did not expect you in _England_: Brother, -I am glad to see you---- - -_Turning to his Taylor._] Look you, Sir. I shall never be reconcil'd -to this nauseous Packet; therefore pray get me another Suit with all -manner of Expedition, for this is my eternal Aversion. Mrs. _Callicoe_, -are not you of my Mind? - -_Semp._ O, directly, my Lord, it can never be too low-- - -_Lord Fop._ You are passitively in the right on't, for the Packet -becomes no part of the Body but the Knee. - -_Semp._ I hope your Lordship is pleas'd with your Steenkirk. - -_Lord Fop._ In love with it, stap my Vitals. Bring your Bill, you shall -be paid to-marrow-- - -_Semp._ I humbly thank your Honour-- - - [_Exit Semp._ - -_Lord Fop._ Hark thee, Shoemaker, these Shoes a'n't ugly, but they -don't fit me. - -_Shoe._ My Lord, my thinks they fit you very well. - -_Lord Fop._ They hurt me just below the Instep. - -_Shoe._ [_Feeling his Foot._] My Lord, they don't hurt you there. - -_Lord Fop._ I tell thee, they pinch me execrably. - -_Shoe._ My Lord, if they pinch you, I'll be bound to be hang'd, that's -all. - -_Lord Fop._ Why, wilt thou undertake to persuade me I cannot feel? - -_Shoe._ Your Lordship may please to feel what you think fit; but that -Shoe does not hurt you--I think I understand my Trade---- - -_Lord Fop._ Now by all that's great and powerful, thou art an -incomprehensible Coxcomb; but thou makest good Shoes, and so I'll bear -with thee. - -_Shoe._ My Lord, I have work'd for half the People of Quality in Town -these Twenty Years; and 'tis very hard I should not know when a Shoe -hurts, and when it don't. - -_Lord Fop._ Well, pr'ythee, begone about thy Business. - - [_Exit Shoe._ - -[_To the Hosier._] Mr. _Mend Legs_, a Word with you; the Calves of the -Stockings are thicken'd a little too much. They make my Legs look like -a Chairman's---- - -_Mend._ My Lord, my thinks they look mighty well. - -_Lord Fop._ Ay, but you are not so good a Judge of those things as I -am, I have study'd them all my Life; therefore pray let the next be the -thickness of a Crawn-piece less----[_Aside._] If the Town takes notice -my Legs are fallen away, 'twill be attributed to the Violence of some -new Intrigue. - -_To the Perriwig-maker._] Come, Mr. _Foretop_, let me see what you have -done, and then the Fatigue of the Morning will be over. - -_Foretop._ My Lord, I have done what I defy any Prince in _Europe_ to -out-do; I have made you a Perriwig so long, and so full of Hair, it -will serve you for a Hat and Cloak in all Weathers. - -_Lord Fop._ Then thou hast made me thy Friend to Eternity: Come, comb -it out. - -_Young Fash._ Well, _Lory_, What do'st think on't? A very friendly -Reception from a Brother after Three Years Absence! - -_Lory._ Why, Sir, 'tis your own Fault; we seldom care for those that -don't love what we love: if you wou'd creep into his Heart, you must -enter into his Pleasures--Here you have stood ever since you came in, -and have not commended any one thing that belongs to him. - -_Young Fash._ Nor never shall, while they belong to a Coxcomb. - -_Lory._ Then, Sir, you must be content to pick a hungry Bone. - -_Young Fash._ No, Sir, I'll crack it, and get to the Marrow before I -have done. - -_Lord Fop._ Gad's Curse! Mr. _Foretop_, you don't intend to put this -upon me for a full Perriwig? - -_Fore._ Not a full one, my Lord! I don't know what your Lordship may -please to call a full one, but I have cramm'd twenty Ounces of Hair -into it. - -_Lord Fop._ What it may be by Weight, Sir, I shall not dispute; but by -Tale, there are not nine Hairs on a side. - -_Fore._ O Lord! O Lord! O Lord! Why, as God shall judge me, your -Honor's Side-Face is reduc'd to the Tip of your Nose. - -_Lord Fop._ My Side-Face may be in an Eclipse for aught I know; but I'm -sure my Full-Face is like the Full-moon. - -_Fore._ Heaven bless my Eye-sight----[_Rubbing his Eyes._] Sure I look -thro' the wrong end of the Perspective; for by my Faith, an't please -your Honour, the broadest place I see in your Face does not seem to me -to be two Inches diameter. - -_Lord Fop._ If it did, it would just be two Inches too broad; for a -Perriwig to a Man, should be like a Mask to a Woman, nothing should be -seen but his Eyes-- - -_Fore._ My Lord, I have done; if you please to have more Hair in your -Wig, I'll put it in. - -_Lord Fop._ Passitively, yes. - -_Fore._ Shall I take it back now, my Lord? - -_Lord Fop._ No: I'll wear it to-day, tho' it shew such a manstrous pair -of Cheeks, stap my Vitals, I shall be taken for a Trumpeter. - - [_Exit ~Fore~._ - -_Young Fash._ Now your People of Business are gone, Brother, I hope I -may obtain a quarter of an Hour's Audience of you. - -_Lord Fop._ Faith, _Tam_, I must beg you'll excuse me at this time, for -I must away to the House of Lards immediately; my Lady _Teaser_'s Case -is to come on to-day, and I would not be absent for the Salvation of -Mankind. Hey, _Page_! Is the Coach at the Door? - -_Page._ Yes, my Lord. - -_Lord Fop._ You'll excuse me, Brother. - - [_Going._ - -_Young Fash._ Shall you be back at Dinner? - -_Lord Fop._ As Gad shall jedge me, I can't tell; for 'tis passible I -may dine with some of aur Hause at _Lacket_'s. - -_Young Fash._ Shall I meet you there? for I must needs talk with you. - -_Lord Fop._ That, I'm afraid, mayn't be so praper; far the Lards I -commonly eat with, are a People of a nice Conversation; and you know, -_Tam_, your Education has been a little at large: but if you'll stay -here, you'll find a Family Dinner. Hey, Fellow! What is there for -Dinner? There's Beef: I suppose my Brother will eat Beef. Dear _Tam_, -I'm glad to see thee in _England_, stap my Vitals. - - [_Exit, with his Equipage._ - -_Young Fash._ Hell and Furies, is this to be borne? - -_Lory._ Faith, Sir, I cou'd almost have given him a knock o' th' Pate -myself. - -_Young Fash._ 'Tis enough, I will now shew you the excess of my Passion -by being very calm: Come, _Lory_, lay your Loggerhead to mine, and in -cool Blood let us contrive his Destruction. - -_Lory._ Here comes a Head, Sir, would contrive it better than us both, -if he wou'd but join in the Confederacy. - - _Enter ~Coupler~._ - -_Young Fash._ By this Light, old _Coupler_ alive still! Why, how now, -Matchmaker, art thou here still to plague the World with Matrimony? You -old Bawd, how have you the Impudence to be hobbling out of your Grave -twenty Years after you are rotten! - -_Coup._ When you begin to rot, Sirrah, you'll go off like a Pippin, one -Winter will send you to the Devil. What Mischief brings you home again? -Ha! You young lascivious Rogue, you: Let me put my Hand into your -Bosom, Sirrah. - -_Young Fash._ Stand off, old _Sodom_. - -_Coup._ Nay, pr'ythee now don't be so coy. - -_Young Fash._ Keep your Hands to yourself, you old Dog you, or I'll -wring your Nose off. - -_Coup._ Hast thou then been a Year in _Italy_, and brought home a Fool -at last? By my Conscience, the young Fellows of this Age profit no more -by their going abroad, than they do by their going to Church. Sirrah, -Sirrah, if you are not hang'd before you come to my Years, you'll know -a Cock from a Hen. But come, I'm still a Friend to thy Person, tho' I -have a Contempt of thy Understanding; and therefore I would willingly -know thy Condition, that I may see whether thou standest in need of my -Assistance; for Widows swarm, my Boy, the Town's infested with 'em. - -_Young Fash._ I stand in need of any body's Assistance, that will help -me to cut my elder Brother's Throat, without the Risque of being hang'd -for him. - -_Coup._ I'gad, Sirrah, I cou'd help thee to do him almost as good a -turn, without the danger of being burnt in the Hand for't. - -_Young Fash._ Say'st thou so, old Satan? Shew me but that, and my Soul -is thine. - -_Coup._ Pox o'thy Soul! give me thy warm Body, Sirrah; I shall have a -substantial Title to't when I tell thee my Project. - -_Young Fash._ Out with it then, dear Dad, and take possession as soon -as thou wilt. - -_Coup._ Sayest thou so, my _Hephestion_? Why, then, thus lies the -Scene: but hold; who's that? If we are heard we are undone. - -_Young Fash._ What have you forgot _Lory_? - -_Coup._ Who, trusty _Lory_, is it thee? - -_Lory._ At your Service, Sir. - -_Coup._ Give me thy Hand, old Boy; I'gad I did not know thee again; but -I remember thy Honesty, tho' I did not thy Face; I think thou hadst -like to have been hang'd once or twice for thy Master. - -_Lory._ Sir, I was very near once having that Honour. - -_Coup._ Well, live and hope; don't be discourag'd; eat with him, and -drink with him, and do what he bids thee, and it may be thy Reward at -last, as well as another's. - -_To Young Fash._] Well, Sir, you must know I have done you the Kindness -to make up a Match for your Brother. - -_Young Fash._ I am very much beholden to you, truly. - -_Coup._ You may be, Sirrah, before the Wedding-day yet; the Lady is a -great Heiress; fifteen hundred Pound a year, and a great Bag of Money; -the Match is concluded, the Writings are drawn, and the Pipkin's to be -crack'd in a Fortnight--Now you must know, Stripling (with Respect to -your Mother), your Brother's the Son of a Whore. - -_Young Fash._ Good. - -_Coup._ He has given me a Bond of a Thousand Pounds for helping him to -this Fortune, and has promis'd me as much more in ready Money upon the -Day of Marriage; which, I understand by a Friend, he ne'er designs to -pay me; if therefore you will be a generous young Dog, and secure me -five thousand Pounds, I'll be a covetous old Rogue, and help you to the -Lady. - -_Young Fash._ I'gad, if thou can'st bring this about, I'll have thy -Statue cast in Brass. But don't you doat, you old Pandar you, when you -talk at this rate? - -_Coup._ That your youthful Parts shall judge of: This plump Partridge, -that I tell you of, lives in the Country, fifty Miles off, with her -honoured Parents, in a lonely old House which nobody comes near; -she never goes abroad, nor sees Company at home: To prevent all -Misfortunes, she has her Breeding within Doors, the Parson of the -Parish teaches her to play on the Bass-Viol, the Clerk to sing, her -Nurse to dress, and her Father to dance: In short, nobody can give you -admittance there but I; nor can I do it any other way, than by making -you pass for your Brother. - -_Young Fash._ And how the Devil wilt thou do that? - -_Coup._ Without the Devil's Aid, I warrant thee. Thy Brother's Face not -one of the Family ever saw; the whole Business has been manag'd by me, -and all the Letters go thro' my Hands: The last that was writ to Sir -_Tunbelly Clumsey_ (for that's the old Gentleman's Name) was to tell -him, his Lordship would be down in a Fortnight to consummate. Now you -shall go away immediately; pretend you writ that letter only to have -the romantick Pleasure of surprizing your Mistress; fall desperately -in Love, as soon as you see her; make that your Plea for marrying her -immediately; and when the fatigue of the Wedding-night's over, you -shall send me a swinging Purse of Gold, you Dog you. - -_Young Fash._ I'gad, old Dad, I'll put my Hand in thy Bosom now---- - -_Coup._ Ah, you young hot lusty Thief, let me muzzle you---- - - [_Kissing._ - -Sirrah, let me muzzle you. - -_Young Fash._ 'Psha, the old Letcher---- - - [Aside. - -_Coup._ Well; I'll warrant thou hast not a Farthing of Money in thy -Pocket now; no, one may see it in thy Face---- - -_Young Fash._ Not a Sous, by _Jupiter_. - -_Coup._ Must I advance then?--Well, Sirrah, be at my Lodgings in half -an Hour, and I'll see what may be done; we'll sign and seal, and eat -a Pullet, and when I have given thee some farther Instructions, thou -shalt hoist Sail and be gone----[_Kissing._]----T'other Buss, and so -adieu. - -_Young Fash._ Um, 'psha. - -_Coup._ Ah; you young warm Dog, you; what a delicious Night will the -Bride have on't! - - [_Exit Coupler._ - -_Young Fash._ So, _Lory_; Providence, thou seest, at last takes care of -Men of Merit: We are in a fair way to be great People. - -_Lo._ Ay, Sir, if the Devil don't step between the Cup and the Lip, as -he uses to do. - -_Young Fash._ Why, faith, he has play'd me many a damn'd Trick to spoil -my Fortune, and, I'gad, I'm almost afraid he's at work about it again -now; but if I should tell thee how, thou'dst wonder at me. - -_Lo._ Indeed, Sir, I shou'd not. - -_Young Fash._ How dost know? - -_Lo._ Because, Sir, I have wonder'd at you so often, I can wonder at -you no more. - -_Young Fash._ No! what wouldst thou say if a Qualm of Conscience should -spoil my Design? - -_Lo._ I wou'd eat my Words, and wonder more than ever. - -_Young Fash._ Why, faith, _Lory_, tho' I am a young Rake-hell, and -have play'd many a Roguish Trick; this is so full grown a Cheat, I find -I must take pains to come up to't; I have Scruples---- - -_Lo._ They are strong Symptoms of Death; if you find they increase, -pray, Sir, make your Will. - -_Young Fash._ No, my Conscience shan't starve me, neither. But thus far -I'll hearken to it; before I execute this Project, I'll try my Brother -to the bottom, I'll speak to him with the Temper of a Philosopher; -my Reasons (tho' they press him home) shall yet be cloth'd with so -much Modesty, not one of all the Truths they urge, shall be so naked -to offend his Sight: if he has yet so much Humanity about him, as to -assist me (tho' with a moderate Aid) I'll drop my Project at his Feet, -and shew him how I can do for him, much more than what I ask he'd do -for me. This one conclusive Trial of him I resolve to make-- - - _Succeed or no, still Victory's my Lot;_ } - _If I subdue his Heart, 'tis well; if not,_ } - _I shall subdue my Conscience to my Plot._ } - - [~Exeunt.~ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ II. +SCENE+ I. - - - _Enter ~Loveless~ and ~Amanda~._ - -_Lov._ How do you like these Lodgings, my Dear? For my part, I am so -well pleased with them, I shall hardly remove whilst we stay in Town, -if you are satisfy'd. - -_Aman._ I am satisfy'd with every thing that pleases you; else I had -not come to Town at all. - -_Lov._ O! a little of the Noise and Bustle of the World sweetens the -Pleasures of Retreat: We shall find the Charms of our Retirement -doubled, when we return to it. - -_Aman._ That pleasing Prospect will be my chiefest Entertainment, -whilst, much against my Will, I am obliged to stand surrounded with -these empty Pleasures, which 'tis so much the Fashion to be fond of. - -_Lov._ I own most of them are indeed but empty; nay, so empty, that one -would wonder by what Magick Power they act, when they induce us to be -vicious for their sakes. Yet some there are we may speak kindlier of: -There are Delights, of which a private Life is destitute, which may -divert an honest Man, and be a harmless Entertainment to a virtuous -Woman. The Conversation of the Town is one; and truly (with some small -Allowances) the Plays, I think, may be esteem'd another. - -_Aman._ The Plays, I must confess, have some small Charms; and wou'd -have more, wou'd they restrain that loose obscene Encouragement to -Vice, which shocks, if not the Virtue of some Women, at least the -Modesty of all. - -_Lov._ But till that Reformation can be made, I would not leave the -wholesome Corn for some intruding Tares that grow among it. Doubtless -the Moral of a well-wrought Scene is of prevailing Force----Last Night -there happen'd one that mov'd me strangely. - -_Aman._ Pray, what was that? - -_Lov._ Why 'twas about--but 'tis not worth repeating. - -_Aman._ Yes, pray let me know it. - -_Lov._ No, I think 'tis as well let alone. - -_Aman._ Nay, now you make me have a mind to know. - -_Lov._ 'Twas a foolish thing: You'd perhaps grow jealous shou'd I tell -it you, tho' without a Cause, Heaven knows. - -_Aman._ I shall begin to think I have cause, if you persist in making -it a Secret. - -_Lov._ I'll then convince you you have none, by making it no longer -so. Know then, I happen'd in the Play to find my very Character, only -with the Addition of a Relapse; which struck me so, I put a sudden Stop -to a most harmless Entertainment, which till then diverted me between -the Acts. 'Twas to admire the Workmanship of Nature, in the Face of -a young Lady that sat some distance from me, she was so exquisitely -handsome---- - -_Aman._ So exquisitely handsome! - -_Lov._ Why do you repeat my Words, my Dear? - -_Aman._ Because you seem'd to speak them with such Pleasure, I thought -I might oblige you with their Echo. - -_Lov._ Then you are alarmed, _Amanda_? - -_Aman._ It is my Duty to be so, when you are in danger. - -_Lov._ You are too quick in apprehending for me; all will be well when -you have heard me out. I do confess I gaz'd upon her, nay, eagerly I -gaz'd upon her. - -_Aman._ Eagerly! That's with Desire. - -_Lov._ No, I desir'd her not: I view'd her with a World of Admiration, -but not one Glance of Love. - -_Aman._ Take heed of trusting to such nice Distinctions. - -_Lov._ I did take heed; for observing in the Play, that he who seem'd -to represent me there, was, by an Accident like this, unwarily -surpriz'd into a Net, in which he lay a poor intangled Slave, and -brought a Train of Mischiefs on his Head, I snatch'd my Eyes away; they -pleaded hard for leave to look again, but I grew absolute, and they -obey'd. - -_Aman._ Were they the only things that were inquisitive? Had I been in -your place, my Tongue, I fancy, had been curious too: I shou'd have -ask'd her Name, and where she liv'd (yet still without Design:)--Who -was she, pray? - -_Lov._ Indeed I cannot tell. - -_Aman._ You will not tell. - -_Lov._ By all that's sacred, then, I did not ask. - -_Aman._ Nor do you know what Company was with her? - -_Lov._ I do not. - -_Aman._ Then I am calm again. - -_Lov._ Why, were you disturb'd? - -_Aman._ Had I then no cause? - -_Lov._ None certainly. - -_Aman._ I thought I had. - -_Lov._ But you thought wrong, _Amanda_; For turn the Case, and let -it be your Story; Should you come home, and tell me you had seen a -handsome Man, shou'd I grow jealous because you had Eyes? - -_Aman._ But shou'd I tell you he were exquisitely so; that I had gaz'd -on him with Admiration; that I had look'd with eager Eyes upon him; -shou'd you not think 'twere possible I might go one Step further, and -enquire his Name? - -_Lov._ [_Aside._] She has Reason on her side, I have talk'd too much; -but I must turn it off another way. [_To Aman._] Will you then make no -difference, _Amanda_, between the Language of our Sex and yours? There -is a Modesty restrains your Tongues, which makes you speak by halves -when you commend; but roving Flattery gives a loose to ours, which -makes us still speak double what we think: You shou'd not therefore, in -so strict a Sense, take what I said to her Advantage. - -_Aman._ Those Flights of Flattery, Sir, are to our Faces only: When -Women once are out of hearing, you are as modest in your Commendations -as we are. But I shan't put you to the trouble of farther Excuses; if -you please, this Business shall rest here. Only give me leave to wish, -both for your Peace and mine, that you may never meet this Miracle of -Beauty more. - -_Lov._ I am content. - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Serv._ Madam, there's a young Lady at the door in a Chair, desires -to know whether your Ladyship sees Company. I think her Name is -_Berinthia_. - -_Aman._ O dear! 'tis a Relation I have not seen this five Years. Pray -her to walk in. - - [_Exit Servant._ - -_To Lov._] Here's another Beauty for you. She was young when I saw her -last; but I hear she's grown extremely handsome. - -_Lov._ Don't you be jealous now, for I shall gaze upon her too. - - _Enter ~Berinthia~._ - -_Lov._ [_Aside._] Ha! By Heavens, the very Woman! - -_Ber._ [_Saluting Aman._] Dear _Amanda_, I did not expect to meet with -you in Town. - -_Aman._ Sweet Cousin, I'm overjoy'd to see you. [_To Lov._] Mr. -_Loveless_, here's a Relation and a Friend of mine, I desire you'll be -better acquainted with. - -_Lov._ [_Saluting Ber._] If my Wife never desires a harder thing, -Madam, her Request will be easily granted. - -_Ber._ [_To Aman._] I think, Madam, I ought to wish you Joy. - -_Aman._ Joy! Upon what? - -_Ber._ Upon your Marriage: You were a Widow when I saw you last. - -_Lov._ You ought rather, Madam, to wish me Joy upon that, since I am -the only Gainer. - -_Ber._ If she has got so good a Husband as the World reports, she has -gain'd enough to expect the Compliment of her Friends upon it. - -_Lov._ If the World is so favourable to me, to allow I deserve that -Title, I hope 'tis so just to my Wife, to own I derive it from her. - -_Ber._ Sir, it is so just to you both, to own you are, and deserve to -be, the happiest Pair that live in it. - -_Lov._ I'm afraid we shall lose that Character, Madam, whenever you -happen to change your Condition. - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Ser._ Sir, my Lord _Foppington_ presents his humble Service to you, -and desires to know how you do. He but just now heard you were in Town. -He's at the next Door; and if it be not inconvenient, he'll come and -wait upon you. - -_Lov._ Lord _Foppington_!--I know him not. - -_Ber._ Not his Dignity, perhaps, but you do his Person. 'Tis Sir -_Novelty_; he has bought a Barony, in order to marry a great Fortune: -His Patent has not been pass'd above eight-and-forty-Hours, and he has -already sent How do-ye's to all the Town, to make 'em acquainted with -his Title. - -_Lov._ Give my Service to his Lordship, and let him know, I am proud of -the Honour he intends me. - - [_Ex._. - -_Ser._ Sure this Addition of Quality must have so improv'd this -Coxcomb, he can't but be very good Company for a quarter of an Hour. - -_Aman._ Now it moves my Pity more than my Mirth, to see a Man whom -Nature has made no Fool, be so very industrious to pass for an Ass. - -_Lov._ No, there you are wrong, _Amanda_; you shou'd never bestow your -Pity upon those who take pains for your Contempt; Pity those whom -Nature abuses, but never those who abuse Nature. - -_Ber._ Besides, the Town wou'd be robb'd of one of its chiefest -Diversions, if it shou'd become a Crime to laugh at a Fool. - -_Aman._ I could never yet perceive the Town inclin'd to part with any -of its Diversions, for the sake of their being Crimes; but I have seen -it very fond of some, I think, had little else to recommend 'em. - -_Ber._ I doubt, _Amanda_, you are grown its Enemy, you speak with so -much warmth against it. - -_Aman._ I must confess I am not much its Friend. - -_Ber._ Then give me leave to make you mine, by not engaging in its -Quarrel. - -_Aman._ You have many stronger Claims than that, _Berinthia_, whenever -you think fit to plead your Title. - -_Lov._ You have done well to engage a Second, my Dear; for here comes -one will be apt to call you to an Account for your Country Principles. - - _Enter Lord_ Foppington. - -_Lord Fop._ [_To Lov._] Sir, I am your most humble Servant. - -_Lav._ I wish you Joy, my Lord. - -_Lord Fop._ O Laird, Sir----Madam, your Ladyship's welcome to Tawn. - -_Aman._ I wish your Lordship Joy. - -_Lord Fop._ O Heavens, Madam---- - -_Lov._ My Lord, this young Lady is a Relation of my Wife's. - -_Lord Fop._ [_Saluting her._] The beautifullest Race of People upon -Earth, Rat me. Dear _Loveless_, I am overjoy'd to see you have brought -your Family to Tawn again: I am, stap my Vitals--[_Aside._] For I -design to lie with your Wife. [_To Aman._] Far Gad's sake, Madam, haw -has your Ladyship been able to subsist thus long, under the Fatigue of -a Country Life? - -_Aman._ My life has been very far from that, my Lord, it has been a -very quiet one. - -_Lord Fop._ Why that's the Fatigue I speak of, Madam: For 'tis -impossible to be quiet, without thinking: Now thinking is to me the -greatest Fatigue in the World. - -_Aman._ Does not your Lordship love reading then? - -_Lord Fop._ Oh, passionately, Madam----But I never think of what I read. - -_Ber._ Why, can your Lordship read without thinking? - -_Lord Fop._ O Lard----Can your Ladyship pray without Devotion----Madam? - -_Aman._ Well, I must own I think Books the best Entertainment in the -World. - -_Lord Fop._ I am so much of your Ladyship's Mind, Madam, that I have a -private Gallery, where I walk sometimes, is furnished with nothing but -Books and Looking-glasses. Madam, I have gilded them, and rang'd 'em, -so prettily, before Gad, it is the most entertaining thing in the World -to walk and look upon 'em. - -_Aman._ Nay, I love a neat Library too; but 'tis, I think, the inside -of a Book shou'd recommend it most to us. - -_Lord Fop._ That, I must confess, I am not altogether so fand of. Far -to my mind the Inside of a Book, is to entertain one's self with the -forc'd Product of another Man's Brain. Naw I think a Man of Quality -and Breeding may be much diverted with the natural Sprauts of his own. -But to say the truth, Madam, let a Man love reading never so well, -when once he comes to know this Tawn, he finds so many better ways of -passing away the Four-and-twenty Hours, that 'twere ten thousand Pities -he shou'd consume his time in that. Far example, Madam, my Life; my -Life, Madam, is a perpetual Stream of Pleasure, that glides thro' such -a Variety of Entertainments, I believe the wisest of our Ancestors -never had the least Conception of any of 'em. - -I rise, Madam, about ten o'clock. I don't rise sooner, because 'tis the -worst thing in the World for the Complection; nat that I pretend to be -a Beau; but a Man must endeavour to look wholesome, lest he make to -nauseous a Figure in the Side-bax, the Ladies shou'd be compell'd to -turn their eyes upon the Play. So at Ten o'clock, I say, I rise. Naw, -if I find it a good Day, I resalve to take a Turn in the Park, and see -the fine Women; so huddle on my Clothes, and get dress'd by One. If it -be nasty Weather, I take a Turn in the Chocolate-house; where, as you -walk, Madam, you have the prettiest Prospect in the World; you have -Looking-glasses all round you----But I'm afraid I tire the Company. - -_Ber._ Not at all. Pray go on. - -_Lord Fop._ Why then, Ladies, from thence I go to Dinner at _Lacket_'s, -and there you are so nicely and delicately serv'd, that, stap my -Vitals, they can compose you a Dish, no bigger than a Saucer, shall -come to fifty Shillings; between eating my Dinner, and washing my -Mouth, Ladies, I spend my time, till I go to the Play; where, till Nine -o'clock, I entertain myself with looking upon the Company; and usually -dispose of one Hour more in leading them aut. So there's Twelve of the -Four-and-Twenty pretty well over. The other Twelve, Madam, are disposed -of in two Articles: In the first Four I toast myself drunk, and in -t'other Eight I sleep myself sober again. Thus, Ladies, you see my Life -is an eternal raund O of Delights. - -_Lov._ 'Tis a heavenly one, indeed! - -_Aman._ But, my Lord, you _Beaux_ spend a great deal of your Time in -Intrigues: You have given us no Account of them yet. - -_Lord Fop._ [_Aside._] Soh, she wou'd enquire into my Amours----That's -Jealousy----She begins to be in love with me. [_To Aman._] Why, -Madam----as to time for my Intrigues, I usually make Detachments of it -from my other Pleasures, according to the Exigency. Far your Ladyship -may please to take notice, that those who intrigue with Women of -Quality, have rarely occasion for above half an Hour at a time: People -of that Rank being under those Decorums, they can seldom give you a -larger View, than will justly serve to shoot 'em flying. So that the -Course of my other Pleasures is not very much interrupted by my Amours. - -_Lov._ But your Lordship now is become a Pillar of the State; you must -attend the weighty Affairs of the Nation. - -_Lord Fop._ Sir----as to weighty Affairs----I leave them to weighty -Heads. I never intend mine shall be a Burden to my Body. - -_Lov._ O, but you'll find the House will expect your Attendance. - -_Lord Fop._ Sir, you'll find the House will compound for my Appearance. - -_Lov._ But your Friends will take it ill if you don't attend their -particular Causes. - -_Lord Fop._ Not, Sir, if I come time enough to give 'em my particular -Vote. - -_Ber._ But pray, my Lord, how do you dispose of yourself on _Sundays_? -for that, methinks, shou'd hang wretchedly on your hands. - -_Lord Fop._ Why, faith, Madam----_Sunday_----is a vile day, I must -confess; I intend to move for leave to bring in a Bill, That Players -may work upon it, as well as the Hackney Coaches. Tho' this I must say -for the Government, it leaves us the Churches to entertain us----But -then again, they begin so abominable early, a Man must rise by -Candle-light to get dress'd by the Psalm. - -_Ber._ Pray which Church does your Lordship most oblige with your -Presence? - -_Lord Fop._ Oh, St. _James_'s, Madam----There's much the best Company. - -_Aman._ Is there good Preaching too? - -_Lord Fop._ Why, faith, Madam----I can't tell. A Man must have very -little to do there, that can give an Account of the Sermon. - -_Ber._ You can give us an Account of the Ladies, at least. - -_Lord Fop._ Or I deserve to be excommunicated--There is my Lady -_Tattle_, my Lady _Prate_, my Lady _Titter_, my Lady _Lear_, my Lady -_Giggle_, and my Lady _Grin_. These fit in the Front of the Boxes, and -all Church-time are the prettiest Company in the World, stap my Vitals. -[_To Aman._] Mayn't we hope for the Honour to see your Ladyship added -to our Society, Madam? - -_Aman._ Alas, my Lord, I am the worst Company in the World at Church: -I'm apt to mind the Prayers, or the Sermon, or---- - -_Lord Fop._ One is indeed strangely apt at Church to mind what one -should not do. But I hope, Madam, at one time or other, I shall have -the Honour to lead your Ladyship to your Coach there. [_Aside._] -Methinks she seems strangely pleas'd with every thing I say to -her--'Tis a vast pleasure to receive Encouragement from a Woman before -her Husband's Face----I have a good mind to pursue my Conquest, and -speak the thing plainly to her at once--I'gad, I'll do't, and that in -so Cavalier a manner, she shall be surpriz'd at it--Ladies, I'll take -my Leave: I'am afraid I begin to grow troublesome with the length of my -Visit. - -_Aman._ Your Lordship is too entertaining to grow troublesome any where. - -_Lord Fop._ [_Aside._] That now was as much as if she had said----Pray -lie with me. I'll let her see I'm quick of Apprehension. [_To Aman._] O -Lard, Madam, I had like to have forgot a Secret, I must needs tell your -Ladyship. [_To Lov._] Ned, you must not be so jealous now as to listen. - -_Lov._ Not I, my Lord; I'm too fashionable a Husband to pry into the -Secrets of my Wife. - -_Lord Fop._ [_To Aman. squeezing her Hand._] I am in love with you to -Desperation, strike me speechless. - -_Aman._ [_Giving him a Box o' th' Ear._] Then thus I return your -Passion----An impudent Fool! - -_Lord Fop._ Gad's Curse, Madam, I'm a Peer of the Realm. - -_Lov._ Hey; what the Devil, do you affront my Wife, Sir? Nay then-- - - [_They draw and fight. The Women run shrieking for Help._ - -_Aman._ Ah! What has my Folly done? Help! Murder, help! Part 'em, for -Heaven's sake. - -_Lord Fop._ [_Falling back, and leaning upon his Sword._] Ah----quite -thro' the Body----Stap my Vitals. - - _Enter Servants._ - -_Lov._ [_Running to him._] I hope I han't kill'd the Fool, -however----Bear him up! Where's your Wound? - -_Lord Fop._ Just thro' the Guts. - -_Lov._ Call a Surgeon there: Unbutton him quickly. - -_Lord Fop._ Ay, pray make haste. - -_Lov._ This Mischief you may thank yourself for. - -_Lord Fop._ I may so--Love's the Devil indeed, _Ned_. - - _Enter ~Syringe~ and Servant._ - -_Serv._ Here's Mr. _Syringe_, Sir, was just going by the Door. - -_Lord Fop._ He's the welcomest Man alive. - -_Syr._ Stand by, stand by, stand by. Pray, Gentlemen, stand by. Lord -have mercy upon us! Did you never see a Man run thro' the Body before? -Pray stand by. - -_Lord Fop._ Ah, Mr. _Syringe_.----I'm a dead Man. - -_Syr._ A dead Man, and I by----I shou'd laugh to see that, I'gad. - -_Lov._ Pr'ythee don't stand prating, but look upon his Wound. - -_Syr._ Why, what if I won't look upon his Wound this Hour, Sir? - -_Lov._ Why then he'll bleed to Death, Sir. - -_Syr._ Why, then I'll fetch him to life again, Sir. - -_Lov._ 'Slife, he's run thro' the Guts, I tell thee. - -_Syr._ Wou'd he were run thro' the Heart, I shou'd get the more Credit -by his Cure. Now I hope you are satisfy'd?----Come, now let me come at -him; now let me come at him. [_Viewing his Wound._] Oons, what a Gash -is here!--Why, Sir, a Man may drive a Coach and Six Horses into your -Body. - -_Lord Fop._ Ho---- - -_Syr._ Why, what the Devil, have you run the Gentleman thro' with a -Scythe?----[_Aside._] A little Prick between the Skin and the Ribs, -that's all. - -_Lov._ Let me see his Wound. - -_Syr._ Then you shall dress it, Sir; for if any body looks upon it, I -won't. - -_Lov._ Why, thou art the veriest Coxcomb I ever saw. - -_Syr._ Sir, I am not Matter of my Trade for nothing. - -_Lord Fop._ Surgeon! - -_Syr._ Well, Sir. - -_Lord Fop._ Is there any Hopes? - -_Syr._ Hopes!----I can't tell----What are you willing to give for your -Cure? - -_Lord Fop._ Five hundred Paunds with Pleasure. - -_Syr._ Why then perhaps there may be Hopes. But we must avoid further -Delay. Here, help the Gentleman into a Chair, and carry him to my House -presently, that's the properest place [_Aside._] to bubble him out of -his Money. Come, a Chair, a Chair quickly--There, in with him. - - [_They put him into a Chair._ - -_Lord Fop._ Dear _Loveless_----Adieu. If I die----I forgive thee; and -if I live----I hope thou wilt do as much by me. I am very sorry you -and I shou'd quarrel; but I hope here's an end on't, for if you are -satisfy'd----I am. - -_Lov._ I shall hardly think it worth my prosecuting any farther, so you -may be at rest, Sir. - -_Lord Fop._ Thou art a generous Fellow, strike me dumb. [_Aside._] But -thou hast an impertinent Wife, stap my Vitals. - -_Syr._ So, carry him off, carry him off, we shall have him prate -himself into a Fever by and by; carry him off. - - [_Ex. ~Serv.~ with ~L. Fop~._ - -_Aman._ Now on my Knees, my Dear, let me ask your pardon for my -Indiscretion, my own I never shall obtain. - -_Lov._ Oh, there's no harm done: You serv'd him well. - -_Aman._ He did indeed deserve it. But I tremble to think how dear my -indiscreet Resentment might have cost you. - -_Lov._ O, no matter; never trouble yourself about that. - -_Ber._ For Heaven's sake, what was't he did to you? - -_Aman._ O nothing; he only squeez'd me kindly by the Hand, and frankly -offer'd me a Coxcomb's Heart. I know I was to blame to resent it as I -did, since nothing but a Quarrel could ensue. But the Fool so surpriz'd -me with his Insolence, I was not Mistress of my Fingers. - -_Ber._ Now I dare swear, he thinks you had 'em at great Command, they -obey'd you so readily. - - _Enter ~Worthy~._ - -_Wor._ Save you, save you, good People; I'm glad to find you all alive; -I met a wounded Peer carrying off. For Heav'ns sake, what was the -matter? - -_Lov._ O, a Trifle: He would have lain with my Wife before my Face, so -she oblig'd him with a Box o'the Ear, and I run him thro' the Body: -That was all. - -_Wor._ _Bagatelle_ on all sides. But, pray, Madam, how long has this -noble Lord been an humble Servant of yours? - -_Aman._ This is the first I have heard on't. So I suppose 'tis his -Quality, more than his Love, has brought him into this Adventure. He -thinks his Title an authentick Passport to every Woman's Heart, below -the Degree of a Peeress. - -_Wor._ He's Coxcomb enough to think any thing. But I wou'd not have you -brought into Trouble for him: I hope there's no Danger of his Life? - -_Lov._ None at all: He's fallen into the Hands of a roguish Surgeon, -who I perceive designs to frighten a little Money out of him. But I saw -his Wound, 'tis nothing; he may go to the Play to-night, if he pleases. - -_Wor._ I'm glad you have corrected him without farther Mischief. And -now, Sir, if these Ladies have no farther Service for you, you'll -oblige me if you can go to the Place I spoke to you of t'other Day. - -_Lov._ With all my Heart. [_Aside._] Tho' I cou'd wish, methinks, to -stay and gaze a little longer on that Creature. Good God! How beautiful -she is!--But what have I to do with Beauty? I have already had my -Portion, and must not covet more. Come, Sir, when you please. - - [_To_ Wor. - -_Wor._ Ladies, your Servant. _Aman._ Mr. _Loveless_, pray one Word -with you before you go. - -_Lov. ~to~ Wor._] I'll overtake you, Sir: What wou'd my Dear? - -_Aman._ Only a Woman's foolish Question, How do you like my Cousin here? - -_Lov._ Jealous already, _Amanda_? - -_Aman._ Not at all; I ask you for another Reason. - -_Lov._ _Aside._] Whate'er her Reason be, I must not tell her true. [_To -Aman._] Why, I confess she's handsome. But you must not think I slight -your Kinswoman, if I own to you, of all the Women who may claim that -Character, she is the last wou'd triumph in my Heart. - -_Aman._ I'm satisfy'd. - -_Lov._ Now tell me why you ask'd? - -_Aman._ At Night I will. Adieu. - -_Lov._ I'm yours. [_Kissing her._] - - [_Exit Lov._ - -_Aman._ [_Aside._] I'm glad to find he does not like her; for I have a -great mind to persuade her to come and live with me. [_To Ber._] Now, -dear _Berinthia_, let me enquire a little into your Affairs: for I do -assure you, I am enough your Friend, to interest myself in every thing -that concerns you. - -_Ber._ You formerly have given me such Proofs on't, I shou'd be very -much to blame to doubt it; I am sorry I have no Secrets to trust you -with, that I might convince you how entire a Confidence I durst repose -in you. - -_Aman._ Why is it possible, that one so young and beautiful as you, -shou'd live and have no Secrets? - -_Ber._ What Secrets do you mean? - -_Aman._ Lovers. - -_Ber._ O Twenty; but not one secret one amongst 'em. Lovers in this -Age have too much Honour to do any thing under-hand; they do all -above-board. - -_Aman._ That now, methinks, wou'd make me hate a Man. - -_Ber._ But the Women of the Town are of another mind: For by this means -a Lady may, with the Expence of a few Coquet Glances, lead twenty Fools -about in a String, for two or three Years together. Whereas, if she -shou'd allow 'em greater Favours, and oblige 'em to Secrecy, she wou'd -not keep one of 'em a Fortnight. - -_Aman._ There's something indeed in That to satisfy the Vanity of a -Woman, but I can't comprehend how the Men find their Account in it. - -_Ber._ Their Entertainment, I must confess, is a Riddle to me. For -there's very few of them ever get farther than a Bow and an Ogle. I -have half a Score for my share, who follow me all over the Town; and -at the Play, the Park, and the Church, do, with their Eyes, say the -violent'st things to me----But I never hear any more of 'em. - -_Aman._ What can be the Reason of that? - -_Ber._ One Reason is, They don't know how to go farther. They have -had so little Practice, they don't understand the Trade. But besides -their Ignorance, you must know there is not one of my half-score Lovers -but what follows half a score Mistresses. Now their Affections being -divided amongst so many, are not strong enough for any one, to make 'em -pursue her to the Purpose. Like a young Puppy in a Warren, they have a -Flirt at all, and catch none. - -_Aman._ Yet they seem to have a Torrent of Love to dispose of. - -_Ber._ They have so: But 'tis like the River of a Modern Philosopher, -whose Works, tho' a Woman, I have read: it sets out with a violent -Stream, splits in a thousand Branches, and is all lost in the Sands. - -_Aman._ But do you think this River of Love runs all its Course without -doing any Mischief? Do you think it overflows nothing? - -_Ber._ O yes; 'tis true, it never breaks into any body's Ground that -has the least Fence about it; but it overflows all the Commons that -lie in its way. And this is the utmost Achievement of those dreadful -Champions in the Field of Love--the Beaux. - -_Aman._ But pr'ythee, _Berinthia_, instruct me a little farther; for I -am so great a Novice, I'm almost asham'd on't. My Husband's leaving me -whilst I was young and fond, threw me into that Depth of Discontent, -that ever since I have led so private and recluse a Life, my Ignorance -is scarce conceivable. I therefore fain would be instructed: Not, -Heaven knows, that what you call Intrigues have any Charms for me: -my Love and Principles are too well fix'd. The practick Part of all -unlawful Love is---- - -_Ber._ O 'tis abominable: But for the Speculative--that we must all -confess is entertaining. The Conversation of all the virtuous Women in -the Town turns upon that and new Clothes. - -_Aman._ Pray be so just then to me, to believe, 'tis with a World of -Innocency I wou'd enquire, Whether you think those Women we call Women -of Reputation, do really 'scape all other Men, as they do those Shadows -of 'em, the Beaux. - -_Ber._ O no, _Amanda_; there are a sort of Men make dreadful Work -amongst 'em: Men that may be call'd The Beaux Antipathy; for they agree -in nothing but walking upon two Legs. - - These have Brains: The Beau has none. - These are in Love with their Mistress: The Beau with himself. - They take care of her Reputation: He's industrious to destroy it. - They are decent: He's a Fop. - They are sound: He's rotten. - They are Men: He's an Ass. - -_Aman._ If this be their Character, I fancy we had here e'en now a -Pattern of 'em both. - -_Ber._ His Lordship and Mr. _Worthy_? - -_Aman._ The same. - -_Ber._ As for the Lord, he's eminently so; And for the other, I can -assure you, there's not a Man in Town who has a better Interest with -the Women, that are worth having an Interest with. But 'tis all -private: He's like a Back-stair Minister at Court, who, whilst the -reputed Favourites are sauntering in the Bed-chamber, is ruling the -Roast in the Closet. - -_Aman._ He answers then the Opinion I had ever of him. Heavens! What -a difference there is between a Man like him, and that vain nauseous -Fop, Sir _Novelty_! [_Taking her Hand._] I must acquaint you with a -Secret, Cousin. 'Tis not that Fool alone has talked to me of Love, -_Worthy_ has been tampering too: 'Tis true, he has done it in vain: Not -all his Charms or Art have power to shake me. My Love, my Duty, and -my Virtue, are such faithful Guards, I need not fear my Heart shou'd -e'er betray me. But what I wonder at is this: I find I did not start at -his Proposal, as when it came from one whom I contemn'd. I therefore -mention this Attempt, that I may learn from you whence it proceeds, -that Vice, which cannot change its Nature, shou'd so far change at -least its Shape, as that the self-same Crime propos'd from one shall -seem a Monster gaping at your Ruin, when from another it shall look so -kind, as tho' it were your Friend, and never meant to harm you. Whence -think you, can this Difference proceed? For 'tis not Love, Heaven knows. - -_Ber._ O no; I wou'd not for the World believe it were. But possibly, -shou'd there a dreadful Sentence pass upon you, to undergo the Rage -of both their Passions; the Pain you apprehend from one might seem so -trivial to the other, the Danger wou'd not quite so much alarm you. - -_Aman._ Fy, fy, _Berinthia_! you wou'd indeed alarm me, cou'd you -incline me to a Thought, that all the Merit of Mankind combin'd, cou'd -shake that tender Love I bear my Husband: No, he sits triumphant in my -Heart, and nothing can dethrone him. - -_Ber._ But shou'd he abdicate again, do you think you shou'd preserve -the vacant Throne ten tedious Winters more, in hopes of his return? - -_Aman._ Indeed I think I shou'd. Tho' I confess, after those -Obligations he has to me, shou'd he abandon me once more, my Heart -wou'd grow extremely urgent with me to root him thence, and cast him -out for ever. - -_Ber._ Were I that thing they call a slighted Wife, some Body shou'd -run the risque of being that thing they call--a Husband. - -_Aman._ O fy, _Berinthia_! No Revenge shou'd ever be taken against a -Husband: But to wrong his Bed is a Vengeance, which of all Vengeance---- - -_Ber._ Is the sweetest--ha, ha, ha! Don't I talk madly? - -_Aman._ Madly indeed. - -_Ber._ Yet I'm very innocent. - -_Aman._ That I dare swear you are. I know how to make Allowances for -your Humour: You were always very entertaining Company; but I find -since Marriage and Widowhood have shewn you the World a little, you are -very much improv'd. - -_Ber._ [_Aside._] Alack a-day, there has gone more than that to improve -me, if she knew all. - -_Aman._ For Heaven's sake, _Berinthia_, tell me what way I shall take -to persuade you to come and live with me? - -_Ber._ Why, one way in the World there is----and but one. - -_Aman._ Pray which is that? - -_Ber._ It is to assure me--I shall be very welcome. - -_Aman._ If that be all, you shall e'en lie here to-night. - -_Ber._ To-night? - -_Aman._ Yes, to-night. - -_Ber._ Why, the People where I lodge will think me mad. - -_Aman._ Let 'em think what they please. - -_Ber._ Say you so, _Amanda_? Why then they shall think what they -please: For I'm a young Widow, and I care not what any body thinks. Ah, -_Amanda_, it's a delicious thing to be a young Widow. - -_Aman._ You'll hardly make me think so. - -_Ber._ Phu, because you are in love with your Husband: but that is not -every Woman's Case. - -_Aman._ I hope 'twas yours, at least. - -_Ber._ Mine, say ye? Now I have a great mind to tell you a Lye, but I -shou'd do it so aukwardly, you'd find me out. - -_Aman._ Then e'en speak the Truth. - -_Ber._ Shall I?----Then after all, I did love him, _Amanda_----as a Nun -does Penance. _Aman._ Why did not you refuse to marry him, then? - -_Ber._ Because my Mother wou'd have whipt me. - -_Aman._ How did you live together? - -_Ber._ Like Man and Wife--asunder; - - He lov'd the Country, I the Town. - He Hawks and Hounds, I Coaches and Equipage. - He Eating and Drinking, I Carding and Playing. - He the Sound of a Horn, I the Squeak of a Fiddle. - We were dull Company at Table, worse a-bed. - Whenever we met, we gave one another the Spleen. - And never agreed but once, which was about lying alone. - -_Aman._ But tell me one thing truly and sincerely. - -_Ber._ What's that? - -_Aman._ Notwithstanding all these Jars, did not his Death at last -extremely trouble you? - -_Ber._ O yes: Not that my present Pangs were so very violent, but the -After-pains were intolerable. I was forc'd to wear a beastly Widow's -Band a Twelvemonth for't. - -_Aman._ Women, I find, have different Inclinations. - -_Ber._ Women, I find, keep different Company. When your Husband ran -away from you, if you had fallen into some of my Acquaintance, 'twou'd -have sav'd you many a Tear. But you go and live with a Grandmother, a -Bishop, and an old Nurse, which was enough to make any Woman break her -Heart for her Husband. Pray, _Amanda_, if ever you are a Widow again, -keep yourself so as I do. - -_Aman._ Why, do you then resolve you'll never marry? - -_Ber._ O, no; I resolve I will. - -_Aman._ How so? - -_Ber._ That I never may. - -_Aman._ You banter me. - -_Ber._ Indeed I don't. But I consider I'm a Woman, and form my -Resolutions accordingly. - -_Aman._ Well, my Opinion is, form what Resolution you will, Matrimony -will be the end on't. - -_Ber._ Faith it won't. - -_Aman._ How do you know? - -_Ber._ I'm sure on't. - -_Aman._ Why, do you think 'tis impossible for you to fall in love? - -_Ber._ No. - -_Aman._ Nay, but to grow so passionately fond, that nothing but the Man -you love can give you rest? - -_Ber._ Well, what then? - -_Aman._ Why, then you'll marry him. - -_Ber._ How do you know that? - -_Aman._ Why, what can you do else? - -_Ber._ Nothing--but sit and cry. - -_Aman._ Psha. - -_Ber._ Ah, poor _Amanda_, you have led a Country Life: But if you'll -consult the Widows of this Town, they'll tell you, you shou'd never -take a Lease of a House you can hire for a Quarter's Warning. - - [_Exeunt._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ III. - - - _Enter Lord ~Foppington~ and Servant._ - -_Lord Fop._ Hey, Fellow, let the Coach come to the Door. - -_Serv._ Will your Lordship venture so soon to expose yourself to the -Weather? - -_Lord Fop._ Sir, I will venture as soon as I can, to expose myself -to the Ladies: tho' give me my Cloke, however; for in that Side-bax, -what between the Air that comes in at the Door on one side, and the -intolerable Warmth of the Masks on t'other, a Man gets so many Heats -and Colds, 'twou'd destroy the Canstitution of a Harse. - -_Ser._ [_Putting on his Cloke._] I wish your Lordship wou'd please -to keep House a little longer, I'm afraid your Honour does not well -consider your Wound. - -_Lord Fop._ My Wound!----I wou'd not be in Eclipse another Day, tho' I -had as many Wounds in my Guts as I have had in my Heart. - - _Enter ~Young Fashion~._ - -_Young Fash._ Brother, your Servant. How do you find yourself to-day? - -_Lord Fop._ So well, that I have arder'd my Coach to the Door: So -there's no great Danger of Death this baut, _Tam_. - -_Young Fash._ I'm very glad of it. - -_Lord Fop._ _aside._] That I believe's a Lye. Pr'ythee, _Tam_, tell me -one thing: Did not your Heart cut a Caper up to your Mauth, when you -heard I was run thro' the Bady? - -_Young Fash._ Why do you think it shou'd? - -_Lord Fop._ Because I remember mine did so, when I heard my Father was -shat thro' the Head? - -_Young Fash._ It then did very ill. - -_Lord Fop._ Pr'ythee, why so? - -_Young Fash._ Because he us'd you very well. - -_Lord Fop._ Well?--naw strike me dumb, he starv'd me. He has let me -want a Thausand Women for want of a Thausand Paund. - -_Young Fash._ Then he hindered you from making a great many ill -Bargains; for I think no Woman is worth Money, that will take Money. - -_Lord Fop._ If I were a younger Brother, I shou'd think so too. - -_Young Fash._ Why, is it possible you can value a Woman that's to be -bought? - -_Lord Fop._ Pr'ythee, why not as well as a Pad-Nag? - -_Young Fash._ Because a Woman has a Heart to dispose of; a Horse has -none. - -_Lord Fop._ Look you, _Tam_, of all things that belang to a Woman, I -have an Aversion to her Heart; far when once a Woman has given you her -Heart----you can never get rid of the rest of her Bady. - -_Young Fash._ This is strange Doctrine: But pray in your Amours how is -it with your own Heart? - -_Lord Fop._ Why, my Heart in my Amours----is like----my Heart aut of -my Amours; _a la glace_. My Bady, _Tam_, is a Watch; and my Heart is -the Pendulum to it; whilst the Finger runs raund to every Hour in the -Circle, that still beats the same time. - -_Young Fash._ Then you are seldom much in love? - -_Lord Fop._ Never, Stap my Vitals. - -_Young Fash._ Why then did you make all this Bustle about _Amanda_? - -_Lord Fop._ Because she was a Woman of an insolent Virtue, and I -thought myself piqu'd in Honour to debauch her. - -_Young Fash._ Very well. [_Aside._] Here's a rare Fellow for you, -to have the spending of Five Thousand Pounds a-year. But now for my -Business with him. [_To Lord Fop._] Brother, tho' I know to talk of -Business (especially of Money) is a Theme not quite so entertaining to -you as that of the Ladies, my Necessities are such, I hope you'll have -patience to hear me. - -_Lord Fop._ The greatness of your Necessities, _Tam_, is the worst -Argument in the Warld far your being patiently heard. I do believe you -are going to make a very good Speech, but, strike me dumb, it has the -worst beginning of any Speech I have heard this Twelvemonth. - -_Young Fash._ I'm very sorry you think so. - -_Lord Fop._ I do believe thou art. But come, let's know thy Affair -quickly; for 'tis a new Play, and I shall be so rumpled and squeezed -with pressing thro' the Crawd, to get to my Servant, the Women will -think I have lain all Night in my Clothes. - -_Young Fash._ Why then (that I may not be the Author of so great a -Misfortune) my Case in a Word is this: The necessary Expences of my -Travels have so much exceeded the wretched Income of my Annuity, that -I have been forced to mortgage it for Five Hundred Pounds, which is -spent; so that unless you are so kind to assist me in redeeming it, I -know no Remedy but to take a Purse. - -_Lord Fop._ Why, Faith, _Tam_----to give you my Sense of the thing, -I do think taking a Purse the best Remedy in the Warld; for if you -succeed, you are reliev'd that way; if you are taken----you are -reliev'd t'other. - -_Young Fash._ I'm glad to see you are in so pleasant a Humour, I hope I -shall find the Effects on't. - -_Lord Fop._ Why, do you then really think it a reasonable thing I -should give you Five Hundred Paunds? - -_Young Fash._ I do not ask it as a Due, Brother, I am willing to -receive it as a Favour. - -_Lord Fop._ Thau art willing to receive it any haw, strike me -speechless. But these are damn'd times to give Money in: Taxes are so -great, Repairs so exorbitant, Tenants such Rogues, and Perriwigs so -dear, that the Devil take me, I'm reduc'd to that extremity in my Cash, -I have been farc'd to retrench in that one Article of sweet Pawder, -till I have braught it dawn to Five Guineas a Manth. Naw judge, _Tam_, -whether I can spare you Five hundred Paunds? - -_Young Fash._ If you can't, I must starve, that's all, [_Aside._] Damn -him. - -_Lord Fop._ All I can say is, you should have been a better Husband. - -_Young Fash._ 'Oons, if you can't live upon five thousand a-year, how -do you think I should do't upon two hundred? - -_Lord Fop._ Don't be in a Passion, _Tam_; far Passion is the most -unbecoming thing in the Warld----to the Face. Look you, I don't love to -say any thing to you to make you melancholy; but upon this occasion I -must take leave to put you in mind, that a Running Horse does require -more Attendance, than a Coach-Horse. Nature has made some difference -'twixt you and I. - -_Young Fash._ Yes, she has made you older. [_Aside._] Pox take her. - -_Lord Fop._ That is nat all. _Tam_. - -_Young Fash._ Why, what is there else? - -_Lord Fop._ [_Looking first upon himself, then upon his -Brother._]----Ask the Ladies. - -_Young Fash._ Why, thou Essence Bottle, thou Musk-Cat, dost thou then -think thou hast any Advantage over me, but what Fortune has given thee? - -_Lord Fop._ I do----stap my Vitals. - -_Young Fash._ Now, by all that's great and powerful, thou art the -Prince of Coxcombs. - -_Lord Fop._ Sir----I am praud of being at the Head of so prevailing a -Party. - -_Young Fash._ Will nothing then provoke thee?--Draw, Coward. - -_Lord Fop._ Look you, _Tam_, you know I have always taken you for a -mighty dull Fellow, and here is one of the foolishest Plats broke -out, that I have seen a long time. Your Paverty makes your Life so -burdensome to you, you would provoke me to a Quarrel, in hopes either -to slip thro' my Lungs into my Estate, or to get yourself run thro' the -Guts, to put an end to your Pain. But I will disappoint you in both -your Designs; far with the Temper of a Philasapher, and the Discretion -of a Statesman--I will go to the Play with my Sword in my Scabbard. - - [_Exit ~Lord Fop~._ - -_Young Fash._ So! Farewel, Snuff-Box. And now, Conscience, I defy thee. -_Lory!_ - - _Enter ~Lory~._ - -_Lo._ Sir. - -_Young Fash._ Here's rare News, _Lory_; his Lordship has given me a -Pill has purg'd off all my Scruples. - -_Lo._ Then my Heart's at ease again: For I have been in a lamentable -Fright, Sir, ever since your Conscience had the Impudence to intrude -into your Company. - -_Young Fash._ Be at peace, it will come there no more: My Brother has -given it a wring by the Nose, and I have kick'd it down Stairs. So run -away to the Inn; get the Horses ready quickly, and bring them to old -_Coupler_'s, without a Moment's Delay. - -_Lo._ Then, Sir, you are going straight about the Fortune. - -_Young Fash._ I am: away; fly, _Lory_. - -_Lo._ The happiest Day I ever saw. I'm upon the Wing already. - - [_Exeunt several ways._ - - -+SCENE+, _A Garden_. - - _Enter ~Loveless~ and Servant_. - -_Lov._ Is my Wife within? - -_Ser._ No, Sir, she has been gone out this Half-hour. - -_Lov._ 'Tis well; leave me. - - _Solus._ - - Sure Fate has yet some Business to be done, - Before _Amanda_'s Heart and mine must rest; - Else, why amongst those Legions of her Sex, - Which throng the World, - Shou'd she pick out for her Companion - The only one on Earth - Whom Nature has endow'd for her undoing? - Undoing was't, I said----Who shall undo her? - Is not her Empire fix'd? Am I not hers? - Did she not rescue me, a groveling Slave, - When, chain'd and bound by that black Tyrant Vice, - I labour'd in his vilest Drudgery? - Did she not ransom me, and set me free? - Nay, more: - When by my Follies sunk - To a poor tatter'd, despicable Beggar, - Did she not lift me up to envy'd Fortune? - Give me herself, and all that she possest? - Without a Thought of more Return, - Than what a poor repenting Heart might make her, - Han't she done this? And if she has, - Am I not strongly bound to love her for it? - To love her--Why, do I not love her then? - By Earth and Heaven, I do! - Nay, I have Demonstration that I do: - For I would sacrifice my Life to serve her. - Yet hold----If laying down my Life - Be Demonstration of my Love, - What is't I feel in favour of _Berinthia_? - For shou'd she be in danger, methinks, I cou'd incline - To risk it for her Service too; and yet I do not love her. - How then subsists my Proof?-- - --O, I have found it out. - What I would do for one, is Demonstration of my Love; - And if I'd do as much for t'other: it there is Demonstration - of my Friendship----Ay----it must be so. I find - I'm very much her Friend.--Yet let me ask myself one - puzzling Question more: - Whence springs this mighty Friendship all at once? - For our Acquaintance is of a later Date. Now Friendship's - said to be a Plant of tedious Growth, its Root - compos'd of tender Fibres, nice in their Taste, cautious - in spreading, check'd with the least Corruption in the - Soil, long ere it take, and longer still ere it appear to - do so; whilst mine is in a Moment shot so high, and fix'd - so fast, it seems beyond the Power of Storms to shake it. - I doubt it thrives too fast. - - [_Musing._ - - _Enter ~Berinthia~._ - - --Ah, she here!--Nay, then take heed, my Heart, for - there are Dangers towards. - -_Ber._ What makes you look so thoughtful, Sir? I hope you are not ill. - -_Lov._ I was debating, Madam, whether I was so or not; and that was it -which made me look so thoughtful. - -_Ber._ Is it then so hard a matter to decide? I thought all People had -been acquainted with their own Bodies, tho' few People know their own -Minds. - -_Lov._ What if the Distemper, I suspect, be in the Mind? - -_Ber._ Why then I'll undertake to prescribe you a Cure. - -_Lov._ Alas, you undertake you know not what. - -_Ber._ So far at least then allow me to be a Physician. - -_Lov._ Nay, I'll allow you so yet farther: For I have reason to -believe, shou'd I put myself into your Hands, you wou'd increase my -Distemper. - -_Ber._ Perhaps I might have Reasons from the College not to be too -quick in your Cure; but 'tis possible, I might find ways to give you -often Ease, Sir. - -_Lov._ Were I but sure of that, I'd quickly lay my Case before you. - -_Ber._ Whether you are sure of it or no, what Risk do you run in trying? - -_Lov._ O, a very great one. - -_Ber._ How? - -_Lov._ You might betray my Distemper to my Wife. - -_Ber._ And so lose all my Practice. - -_Lov._ Will you then keep my Secret? - -_Ber._ I will, if it don't burst me. - -_Lov._ Swear. - -_Ber._ I do. - -_Lov._ By what? - -_Ber._ By Woman. - -_Lov._ That's swearing by my Deity. Do it by your own, or I shan't -believe you. - -_Ber._ By Man then. - -_Lov._ I'm satisfy'd. Now hear my Symptoms, and give me your Advice. -The first were these: - - When 'twas my Chance to see you at the Play, - A random Glance you threw, at first alarm'd me, - I cou'd not turn my Eyes from whence the Danger came: - I gaz'd upon you, till you shot again, - And then my Fears came on me. - My Heart began to pant, my Limbs to tremble, - My Blood grew thin, my Pulse beat quick, - My Eyes grew hot and dim, and all the Frame of Nature - Shook with Apprehension. - 'Tis true, some small Recruits of Resolution - My Manhood brought to my Assistance, - And by their Help I made a Stand a while, - But found at last your Arrows flew so thick, - They cou'd not fail to pierce me; - So left the Field, - And fled for shelter to _Amanda_'s Arms. - What think you of these Symptoms, pray? - -_Ber._ Feverish every one of 'em. But what Relief pray did your Wife -afford you? - -_Lov._ Why, instantly she let me Blood, which for the present much -assuag'd my Flame. But when I saw you, out it burst again, and rag'd -with greater Fury than before. Nay, since you now appear, 'tis so -increas'd, that in a Moment, if you do not help me, I shall, whilst you -look on, consume to Ashes. - - [_Taking hold of her Hand._ - -_Ber._ [_Breaking from him._] O Lard, let me go: 'Tis the Plague, and -we shall all be infected. - -_Lov._ [_Catching her in his Arms, and kissing her._] Then we'll die -together, my charming Angel. - -_Ber._ O Ged----the Devil's in you. Lard, let me go, here's somebody -coming. - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Serv._ Sir, my Lady's come home, and desires to speak with you: She's -in her Chamber. - -_Lov._ Tell her I'm coming. - - [_Exit Serv._ - -_To Ber._ But before I go, one Glass of Nectar more to drink her Health. - -_Ber._ Stand off, or I shall hate you, by Heavens! - -_Lov._ [_Kissing her._] In Matters of Love, a Woman's Oath is no more -to be minded than a Man's. - -_Ber._ Um---- - - _Enter ~Worthy~._ - -_Wor._ Ha! What's here? my old Mistress, and so close, I'faith! I wou'd -not spoil her Sport for the Universe. - - [_He retires._ - -_Ber._ O Ged----Now do I pray to Heaven, [_Exit ~Loveless~ running._] -with all my Heart and Soul, that the Devil in Hell may take me, if -ever----I was better pleas'd in my Life--This Man has bewitch'd -me, that's certain. [_Sighing._] Well, I am condemn'd, but, Thanks -to Heaven, I feel myself each Moment more and more prepar'd for my -Execution--Nay, to that degree, I don't perceive I have the least fear -of Dying. No, I find, let the Executioner be but a Man, and there's -nothing will suffer with more Resolution than a Woman. Well, I never -had but one Intrigue yet: But I confess I long to have another. Pray -Heaven it end as the first did tho', that we may both grow weary at a -time; for 'tis a melancholy thing for Lovers to outlive one another. - - _Enter ~Worthy~._ - -_Wor._ [_Aside._] This Discovery's a lucky one, I hope to make a happy -use on't. That Gentlewoman there is no Fool; so I shall be able to make -her understand her Interest. [_To_ Ber.] Your Servant, Madam; I need -not ask you how you do, you have got so good a Colour. - -_Ber._ No better than I us'd to have, I suppose. - -_Wor._ A little more Blood in your Cheeks. - -_Ber._ The Weather's hot. - -_Wor._ If it were not, a Woman may have a Colour. - -_Ber._ What do you mean by that? - -_Wor._ Nothing. - -_Ber._ Why do you smile then? - -_Wor._ Because the Weather's hot. - -_Ber._ You'll never leave roguing, I see that. - -_Wor._ [_Putting his Finger to his Nose._] You'll never leave----I see -that. - -_Ber._ Well, I can't imagine what you drive at. Pray tell me what you -mean? - -_Wor._ Do you tell me, it's the same thing. - -_Ber._ I can't. - -_Wor._ Guess! - -_Ber._ I shall guess wrong. - -_Wor._ Indeed you won't. - -_Ber._ Psha! either tell, or let it alone. - -_Wor._ Nay, rather than let it alone, I will tell. But first I must put -you in mind that, after what has past 'twixt you and I, very few things -ought to be Secrets between us. - -_Ber._ Why what Secrets do we hide? I know of none. - -_Wor._ Yes, there are two; one I have hid from you, and t'other -you wou'd hide from me. You are fond of _Loveless_, which I have -discover'd; and I am fond of his Wife---- - -_Ber._ Which I have discover'd. - -_Wor._ Very well; now I confess your Discovery to be true, what do you -say to mine? - -_Ber._ Why, I confess----I wou'd swear 'twere false, if I thought you -were Fool enough to believe me. - -_Wor._ Now am I almost in Love with you again. Nay, I don't know but -I might be quite so, had I made one short Campaign with _Amanda_. -Therefore, if you find 'twould tickle your Vanity, to bring me down -once more to your Lure, e'en help me quickly to dispatch her Business, -that I may have nothing else to do, but to apply myself to yours. - -_Ber._ Do you then think, Sir, I am old enough to be a Bawd? - -_Wor._ No, but I think you are wise enough to---- - -_Ber._ To do what? - -_Wor._ To hoodwink _Amanda_ with a Gallant, that she mayn't see who is -her Husband's Mistress. - -_Ber._ [_Aside._] He has reason: The Hint's a good one. - -_Wor._ Well, Madam, what think you on't? - -_Ber._ I think you are so much a deeper Politician in these Affairs -than I am, that I ought to have a very great regard to your Advice. - -_Wor._ Then give me leave to put you in mind, that the most easy, safe, -and pleasant Situation for your own Amour, is the House in which you -now are; provided you keep _Amanda_ from any sort of Suspicion. That -the way to do that, is to engage her in an Intrigue of her own, making -yourself her Confidante. And the way to bring her to intrigue, is to -make her jealous of her Husband in a wrong place; which the more you -foment, the less you'll be suspected. This is my Scheme, in short; -which if you follow as you shou'd do, (my dear _Berinthia_) we may all -four pass the Winter very pleasantly. - -_Ber._ Well, I could be glad to have nobody's Sins to answer for but my -own. But where there is a Necessity-- - -_Wor._ Right! as you say, where there is a Necessity, a Christian is -bound to help his Neighbour. So, good _Berinthia_, lose no time, but -let us begin the Dance as fast as we can. - -_Ber._ Not till the Fiddles are in tune, pray, Sir. Your Lady's Strings -will be very apt to fly, I can tell you that, if they are wound up -too hastily. But if you'll have patience to skrew them to a pitch by -degrees, I don't doubt but she may endure to be play'd upon. - -_Wor._ Ay, and will make admirable Musick too, or I'm mistaken; but -have you had no private Closet Discourse with her yet about Males and -Females, and so forth, which may give you hopes in her Constitution; -for I know her Morals are the Devil against us. - -_Ber._ I have had so much Discourse with her, that I believe were she -once cur'd of her fondness to her Husband, the Fortress of her Virtue -wou'd not be so impregnable as she fancies. - -_Wor._ What! she runs, I'll warrant you, into that common Mistake of -fond Wives, who conclude themselves virtuous, because they can refuse a -Man they don't like, when they have got one they do. - -_Ber._ True, and there I think 'tis a presumptuous thing in a Woman -to assume the Name of Virtuous, till she has heartily hated her -Husband, and been soundly in love with somebody else. Whom if she has -withstood--then--much good may it do her! - -_Wor._ Well, so much for her Virtue. Now, one word of her Inclinations, -and every one to their Post. What Opinion do you find she has of me? - -_Ber._ What you cou'd wish; she thinks you handsome and discreet. - -_Wor._ Good, that's thinking half Seas over. One Tide more brings us -into Port. - -_Ber._ Perhaps it may, tho' still remember, there's a difficult Bar to -pass. - -_Wor._ I know there is, but I don't question I shall get well over it, -by the help of such a Pilot. - -_Ber._ You may depend upon your Pilot, she'll do the best she can; so -weigh Anchor, and be gone as soon as you please. - -_Wor._ I'm under Sail already. Adieu. - - [_Exit ~Wor~._ - -_Ber._ _Bon Voyage._ - - _Sola._ - - So, here's fine Work. What a Business have I undertaken! I'm a - very pretty Gentlewoman, truly; but there was no avoiding it: He'd - have ruin'd me, if I had refus'd him. Besides, faith, I begin to - fancy there may be as much pleasure in carrying on another body's - Intrigue, as one's own. This at least is certain, it exercises - almost all the entertaining Faculties of a Woman: For there's - employment for Hypocrisy, Invention, Deceit, Flattery, Mischief, - and Lying. - - _Enter ~Amanda~, her Woman following her._ - -_Wom._ If you please, Madam, only to say, whether you'll have me to buy -'em or not. - -_Aman._ Yes, no, go fiddle; I care not what you do. Pr'ythee leave me. - -_Wom._ I have done. - - [_Exit Wom._ - -_Ber._ What in the Name of _Jove_'s the matter with you? - -_Aman._ The matter, _Berinthia_! I'm almost mad, I'm plagu'd to death. - -_Ber._ Who is it that plagues you? - -_Aman._ Who do you think shou'd plague a Wife, but her Husband? - -_Ber._ O ho, is it come to that? We shall have you wish yourself a -Widow by and by. - -_Aman._ Wou'd I were any thing but what I am! A base ungrateful Man, -after what I have done for him, to use me thus! - -_Ber._ What, he has been ogling now, I'll warrant you? - -_Aman._ Yes, he has been ogling. - -_Ber._ And so you are jealous? Is that all? - -_Aman._ That all! Is jealousy then nothing? - -_Ber._ It shou'd be nothing, if I were in your Case. - -_Aman._ Why, what wou'd you do? - -_Ber._ I'd cure myself. - -_Aman._ How? - -_Ber._ Let Blood in the fond Vein: Care as little for my Husband as he -did for me. - -_Aman._ That would not stop his Course. - -_Ber._ Nor nothing else, when the Wind's in the warm Corner. Look you, -_Amanda_, you may build Castles in the Air, and fume, and fret, and -grow thin and lean, and pale and ugly, if you please. But I tell you, -no Man worth having is true to his Wife, or can be true to his Wife, or -ever was, or ever will be so. - -_Aman._ Do you then really think he's false to me? for I did but -suspect him. - -_Ber._ Think so? I know he's so. - -_Aman._ Is it possible? Pray tell me what you know. - -_Ber._ Don't press me then to name Names; for that I have sworn I won't -do. - -_Aman._ Well, I won't; but let me know all you can without Perjury. - -_Ber._ I'll let you know enough to prevent any wise Woman's dying -of the Pip; and I hope you'll pluck up your Spirits, and shew, upon -occasion, you can be as good a Wife as the best of 'em. - -_Aman._ Well, what a Woman, can do I'll endeavour. - -_Ber._ O, a Woman can do a great deal, if once she sets her mind to it. -Therefore pray don't stand trifling any longer, and teasing yourself -with this and that, and your Love and your Virtue, and I know not what. -But resolve to hold up your Head, get a tiptoe, and look over them all; -for to my certain knowledge your husband is a pickering elsewhere. - -_Aman._ You are sure on't? - -_Ber._ Positively, he fell in love at the Play. - -_Aman._ Right, the very same; do you know the ugly thing? - -_Ber._ Yes, I know her well enough; but she's no such ugly thing, -neither. - -_Aman._ Is she very handsome? - -_Ber._ Truly I think so. - -_Aman._ Hey-ho! - -_Ber._ What do you sigh for now? - -_Aman._ Oh my Heart! - -_Ber._ [_Aside._] Only the Pangs of Nature! she's in Labour of her -Love; Heaven send her a quick Delivery! I'm sure she has a good Midwife. - -_Aman._ I'm very ill, I must go to my Chamber; Dear _Berinthia_, don't -leave me a Moment. - -_Ber._ No, don't fear. [_Aside._] I'll see you safe brought-to-bed, -I'll warrant you. - - [_Exeunt, ~Amanda~ leaning upon ~Berinthia~._ - - -+SCENE+, _A Country-House_. - - _Enter ~Young~ Fashion and ~Lory~._ - -_Young Fash._ So, here's our Inheritance, _Lory_, if we can but get -into Possession. But, methinks, the Seat of our Family looks like -_Noah_'s Ark, as if the chief part on't were design'd for the Fowls of -the Air, and the Beasts of the Field. - -_Lo._ Pray, Sir, don't let your Head run upon the Orders of Building -here; get but the Heiress, let the Devil take the House. - -_Young Fash._ Get but the House, let the Devil take the Heiress, I say; -at least if she be as old _Coupler_ describes her. But come, we have -no time to squander. Knock at the Door. [Lory _knocks two or three -times._] What the Devil, have they got no Ears in this House? Knock -harder. - -_Lo._ I'gad, Sir, this will prove some inchanted Castle; we shall have -the Giant come out by and by with his Club, and beat our Brains out. - - [_Knocks again._ - -_Young Fash._ Hush! they come. - -_From within._] Who is there? - -_Lo._ Open the Door and see: Is that your Country Breeding? - -_Within._ Ay, but two Words to a Bargain: _Tummus_, is the Blunderbuss -prim'd? - -_Young Fash._ Oons, give 'em good Words, _Lory_; we shall be shot here -a Fortune-catching. - -_Lo._ I'gad, Sir, I think y'are in the right on't. Ho, Mr. What -d'ye-call-um.--[_Servant appears at the Window with a Blunderbuss._] -Weal naw, what's yar Business? - -_Young Fash._ Nothing, Sir, but to wait upon Sir _Tunbelly_, with your -leave. - -_Ser._ To weat upon Sir _Tunbelly_? Why, you'll find that's just as Sir -_Tunbelly_ pleases. - -_Young Fash._ But will you do me the Favour, Sir, to know whether Sir -_Tunbelly_ pleases or not? - -_Ser._ Why, look you, do you see, with good Words, much may be done. -_Ralph_, go thy weas, and ask Sir _Tunbelly_ if he pleases to be -waited upon. And, do'st hear? call to Nurse, that she may lock up Miss -_Hoyden_ before the Gates open. - -_Young Fash._ D'ye hear that, _Lory_? - -_Lo._ Ay, Sir, I'm afraid we shall find a difficult Jobb on't. Pray -Heaven that old Rogue _Coupler_ han't sent us to fetch Milk out of the -Gunroom! - -_Young Fash._ I'll warrant thee all will go well: See; the Door opens. - - _Enter Sir ~Tunbelly~, with his Servants arm'd with - Guns, Clubs, Pitchforks, Scythes, ~&c.~_ - -_Lo._ [_Running behind his Master._] O Lord, O Lord, O Lord, we are -both dead Men! - -_Young Fash._ Take heed, Fool, thy Fear will ruin us. - -_Lo._ My Fear, Sir--'Sdeath, Sir, I fear nothing. [_Aside._] Wou'd I -were well up to the Chin in a Horse-Pond! - -Sir _Tun._ Who is it here has any Business with me? - -_Young Fash._ Sir, 'tis I, if your Name be Sir _Tunbelly Clumsey_. - -Sir _Tun._ Sir, my Name is Sir _Tunbelly Clumsey_, whether you have any -Business with me or not. So you see I am not asham'd of my Name--nor my -Face--neither. - -_Young Fash._ Sir, you have no cause, that I know of. - -Sir _Tun._ Sir, if you have no cause neither, I desire to know who -you are; for till I know your Name, I shall not ask you to come into -my House; and when I know your Name--'tis six to four I don't ask you -neither. - -_Young Fash._ [_Giving him a Letter._] Sir, I hope you'll find this -Letter an Authentick Passport. - -Sir _Tun._ God's my life, I ask your Lordship's Pardon ten thousand -times. [_To his Servant._] Here, run in a-doors quickly: Get a -Scotch-Coal Fire in the great Parlour; set all the Turkey-work-Chairs -in their places; get the great Brass Candlesticks out; and be sure -stick the Sockets full of Laurel; run. [_Turning to ~Young Fash~._] My -Lord, I ask your Lordship's pardon. [_To other Servants._] And do you -hear, run away to Nurse, bid her let Miss _Hoyden_ loose again, and if -it was not shifting Day, let her put on a clean Tucker--quick! - - [_Exeunt Servants confusedly._ - -_To_ Young Fash.] I hope your Honour will excuse the disorder of my -Family; we are not us'd to receive Men of your Lordship's great Quality -every day; pray where are your Coaches and Servants, my Lord? - -_Young Fash._ Sir, that I might give you and your fair Daughter a proof -how impatient I am to be nearer akin to you, I left my Equipage to -follow me, and came away Post with only one servant. - -Sir _Tun._ Your Lordship does me too much Honour. It was exposing -your Person to too much Fatigue and Danger, I protest it was; but my -Daughter shall endeavour to make you what amends she can; and tho' I -say it, that shou'd not say it--_Hoyden_ has Charms. - -_Young Fash._ Sir, I am not a Stranger to them, tho' I am to her. -Common Fame has done her Justice. - -Sir _Tun._ My Lord, I am common Fame's very grateful humble Servant. My -Lord----my Girl's young: _Hoyden_ is young, my Lord; but this I must -say for her, what she wants in Art, she has by Nature; what she wants -in Experience, she has in Breeding; and what's wanting in her Age, is -made good in her Constitution. So pray, my Lord, walk in; pray, my -Lord, walk in. - -_Young Fash._ Sir, I wait upon you. - - [_Exeunt._ - - _Miss ~Hoyden~ sola._ - -Sure never no body was us'd as I am. I know well enough what other -Girls do, for all they think to make a Fool of me: It's well I have a -Husband a coming, or I'cod, I'd marry the Baker, I wou'd so. No body -can knock at the Gate, but presently I must be lockt up; and here's the -young Greyhound Bitch can run loose about the House all the day long, -she can; 'tis very well. - - _Nurse ~without~, opening the Door._ - - Miss _Hoyden_! Miss, Miss, Miss! Miss _Hoyden_! - - _Enter ~Nurse~._ - -_Miss._ Well, what do you make such a Noise for, ha! What do you din a -body's Ears for? Can't one be at quiet for you? - -_Nurse._ What do I din your Ears for? Here's one come will din your -Ears for you. - -_Miss._ What care I who's come? I care not a Fig who comes, nor who -goes, as long as I shall be lockt up like the Ale-Cellar. - -_Nurse._ That, Miss, is for fear you shou'd be drank before you are -ripe. - -_Miss._ O, don't you trouble your Head about that; I'm as ripe as you, -tho' not so mellow. - -_Nurse._ Very well; now I have a good mind to lock you up again, and -not let you see my Lord to-night. - -_Miss._ My Lord! Why, is my Husband come? - -_Nurse._ Yes, marry is he, and a goodly Person too. - -_Miss._ [_Hugging Nurse._] O my dear _Nurse_, forgive, me this once, -and I'll never misuse you again; no, if I do, you shall give me three -thumps on the Back, and a great pinch by the Cheek. - -_Nurse._ Ah the poor Thing, see how it melts; it's as full of -Good-Nature as an Egg's full of Meat. - -_Miss._ But, my dear Nurse, don't lie now; is he come, by your troth? - -_Nurse._ Yes, by my truly, is he. - -_Miss._ O Lord! I'll go and put on my lac'd Smock, tho' I am whipt till -the Blood run down my Heels for't. - - [_Exit running._ - -_Nurse._ Eh----the Lord succour thee, how thou art delighted! - - [_Exit after her._ - - _Enter Sir ~Tunbelly~ and ~Young Fashion~. A Servant - with Wine._ - -Sir _Tun._ My Lord, I'm proud of the Honour to see your Lordship within -my Doors: and I humbly crave leave to bid you welcome in a Cup of Sack -Wine. - -_Young Fash._ Sir, to your Daughter's Health. - - [_Drinks._ - -Sir _Tun._ Ah poor Girl, she'll be fear'd out of her Wits on her -Wedding Night; for, honestly speaking, she does not know a Man from a -Woman, but by his Beard, and his Breeches. - -_Young Fash._ Sir, I don't doubt she has had a virtuous Education, -which, with the rest of her Merit, makes me long to see her mine. I -wish you wou'd dispense with the Canonical Hour, and let it be this -very Night. - -Sir _Tun._ O not so soon, neither; that's shooting my Girl before you -bid her stand. No, give her fair warning, we'll sign and seal to-night -if you please; and this Day seven-night--let the Jade look to her -Quarters. - -_Young Fash._ This Day seven-night----Why, what do you take me for a -Ghost, Sir? 'Slife, Sir, I'm made of Flesh and Blood, and Bones and -Sinews, and can no more live a Week without your Daughter--than I can -live a Month with her. - - [_Aside._ - -Sir _Tun._ Oh, I'll warrant you, my Hero; young Men are hot, I know, -but they don't boil over at that rate, neither; besides, my Wench's -Wedding Gown is not come home yet. - -_Young Fash._ O, no matter, Sir; I'll take her in her Shift. [_Aside._] -A Pox of this old Fellow, he'll delay the Business till my damn'd Star -finds me out, and discovers me. [_To Sir ~Tun.~_] Pray, Sir, let it be -done without Ceremony; 'twill save Money. - -Sir _Tun._ Money----Save Money when _Hoyden_'s to be marry'd? Udswoons, -I'll give my Wench a Wedding-Dinner, tho' I go to Grass with the King -of _Assyria_ for't; and such a Dinner it shall be, as is not to be -cook'd in the poaching of an Egg. Therefore, my Noble Lord, have a -little Patience, we'll go and look over our Deeds and Settlements -immediately; and as for your Bride, tho' you may be sharp-set before -she's quite ready, I'll engage for my Girl, she stays your Stomach at -last. - - [_Exeunt._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ IV. +SCENE+ I. - - - _Enter Miss ~Hoyden~ and ~Nurse~._ - -_Nurse._ Well, Miss, how do you like your Husband that is to be? - -_Miss._ O Lord, Nurse, I'm so overjoy'd, I can scarce contain myself. - -_Nurse._ O, but you must have a care of being too fond; for Men now -a-days hate a Woman that loves 'em. - -_Miss._ Love him! Why do you think I love him, Nurse? I'cod, I -would not care if he were hang'd, so I were but once married to -him----No----that which pleases me, is to think what Work I'll make -when I get to _London_; for when I am a Wife and a Lady both, Nurse, -I'cod, I'll flant it with the best of 'em. - -_Nurse._ Look, look, if his Honour be not a coming to you; now if I -were sure you wou'd behave yourself handsomely, and not disgrace me -that have brought you up, I'd leave you alone together. - -_Miss._ That's my best Nurse, do as you wou'd be done by; trust us -together this once; and if I don't shew my Breeding from the Head to -the Foot of me, may I be twice married, and die a Maid! - -_Nurse._ Well, this once I'll venture you; but if you disparage me---- - -_Miss._ Never fear, I'll shew him my Parts, I'll warrant him. - - [_Exit ~Nurse~._ - - _Sola._ - -These old Women are so wise when they get a poor Girl into their -Clutches; but ere it be long, I shall know what's what, as well as the -best of 'em. - - _Enter ~Young Fashion~._ - -_Young Fash._ Your Servant, Madam, I'm glad to find you alone; for I -have something of Importance to speak to you about. - -_Miss._ Sir, (my Lord, I meant) you may speak to me about what you -please, I shall give you a civil Answer. - -_Young Fash._ You give me so obliging a one, it encourages me to tell -you in few Words, what I think both for your Interest and mine. Your -Father, I suppose you know, has resolv'd to make me happy in being your -Husband, and I hope I may depend upon your Consent, to perform what he -desires. - -_Miss._ Sir, I never disobey my Father in any thing but eating of green -Gooseberries. - -_Young Fash._ So good a Daughter must needs be an admirable Wife; I -am therefore impatient till you are mine, and hope you will so far -consider the Violence of my Love, that you won't have the Cruelty to -defer my Happiness so long as your Father designs it. - -_Miss._ Pray, my Lord, how long is it? - -_Young Fash._ Madam, a thousand Year----a whole Week. - -_Miss._ A Week!----why, I shall be an old Woman by that time. - -_Young Fash._ And I an old Man, which you'll find a greater Misfortune -than t'other. - -_Miss._ Why I thought it was to be to-morrow Morning, as soon as I was -up; I'm sure Nurse told me so. - -_Young Fash._ And it shall be to-morrow Morning still, if you'll -consent. - -_Miss._ If I'll consent! Why I thought I was to obey you as my Husband. - -_Young Fash._ That's when we are married; till then, I am to obey you. - -_Miss._ Why then if we are to take it by turns, it's the same thing: -I'll obey you now, and when we are married, you shall obey me. - -_Young Fash._ With all my heart; but I doubt we must get Nurse on our -side, or we shall hardly prevail with the Chaplain. - -_Miss._ No more we shan't indeed, for he loves her better than he loves -his Pulpit, and wou'd always be a preaching to her, by his good Will. - -_Young Fash._ Why then, my dear little Bedfellow, if you'll call her -hither, we'll try to persuade her presently. - -_Miss._ O Lord, I can tell you a way how to persuade her to any thing. - -_Young Fash._ How's that? - -_Miss._ Why tell her she's a wholesome, comely Woman----and give her -Half a Crown. - -_Young Fash._ Nay, if that will do, she shall have half a score of 'em. - -_Miss._ O Gemini, for half that she'd marry you herself: I'll run and -call her. - - [_Exit ~Miss~._ - - _~Young Fashion~ solus._ - -So, Matters go swimmingly; this is a rare Girl, i'faith; I shall have -a fine time of it with her at _London_. I'm much mistaken if she don't -prove a _March_ Hare all the Year round. What a scampering Chace will -she make on't, when me finds the whole Kennel of Beaux at her Tail! Hey -to the _Park_ and the Play, and the Church, and the Devil; she'll shew -them sport, I'll warrant 'em. But no matter, she brings an Estate will -afford me a separate Maintenance. - - _Enter ~Miss~ and ~Nurse~._ - -_Young Fash._ How do you do, good Mistress Nurse? I desir'd your young -Lady would give me leave to see you, that I might thank you for your -extraordinary Care and Conduct in her Education; pray accept of this -small Acknowledgement for it at present, and depend upon my farther -Kindness, when I shall be that happy thing her Husband. - -_Nurse._ [_Aside._] Gold by mackins! Your Honour's Goodness is too -great: alas! all I can boast of is, I gave her poor good Milk, and so -your Honour wou'd have said, an you had seen how the poor thing suck't -it----Eh, God's blessing on the sweet Face on't! how it us'd to hang -at this poor Teat, and suck and squeeze, and kick and sprawl it wou'd, -till the Belly on't was so full, it wou'd drop off like a Leech. - - [_~Miss~ to ~Nurse~, taking her angrily aside._ - -Pray one word with you; pr'ythee, Nurse, don't stand ripping up old -Stories, to make one asham'd before one's Love: do you think such -a fine proper Gentleman as he is, cares for a fiddlecome Tale of a -draggle-tail'd Girl;, if you have a mind to make him have a good -Opinion of a Woman, don't tell him what one did then, tell him what -one can do now. [_To_ Young Fash.] I hope your Honour will excuse my -Mismanners to whisper before you, it was only to give some orders about -the Family. - -_Young Fash._ O every thing, Madam, is to give way to Business; -besides, good Housewifery is a very commendable Quality in a young Lady. - -_Miss._ Pray, Sir, are the young Ladies good Housewives at London Town? -Do they darn their own Linen? - -_Young Fash._ O no, they study how to spend Money, not to save it. - -_Miss._ I'cod, I don't know but that may be better Sport than t'other, -ha, Nurse! - -_Young Fash._ Well, you shall have your Choice when you come there. - -_Miss._ Shall I----then by my troth I'll get there as fast as I can. - -_To Nurse._] His Honour desires you'll be so kind, as to let us be -marry'd to-morrow. - -_Nurse._ To-morrow, my dear Madam? - -_Young Fash._ Yes, to-morrow, sweet Nurse, privately; young Folks, you -know, are impatient, and Sir _Tunbelly_ wou'd make us stay a Week for -a Wedding-Dinner. Now all things being sign'd and seal'd, and agreed, -I fancy there cou'd be no great harm in practising a Scene or two of -Matrimony in private, if it were only to give us the better Assurance -when we come to play it in publick. - -_Nurse._ Nay, I must confess stolen Pleasures are sweet; but if you -shou'd be married now, what will you do when Sir _Tunbelly_ calls for -you to be wedded? - -_Miss._ Why then we will be married again. - -_Nurse._ What, twice, my Child? - -_Miss._ I'cod, I don't care how often I'm married, not I. - -_Young Fash._ Pray, Nurse, don't you be against your young Lady's good; -for by this means she'll have the pleasure of two Wedding-Days. - -_Miss to Nurse softly._] And of two Wedding-Nights too, Nurse. - -_Nurse._ Well, I'm such a tender-hearted Fool, I find I can refuse you -nothing; so you shall e'en follow your own Inventions. - -_Miss._ Shall I? [_Aside._] O Lord, I could leap over the Moon. - -_Young Fash._ Dear Nurse, this Goodness of yours shan't go unrewarded; -but now you must employ your Power with Mr. _Bull_ the Chaplain, that -he may do his friendly Office too, and then we shall be all happy; do -you think you can prevail with him? - -_Nurse._ Prevail with him----or he shall never prevail with me, I can -tell him that. - -_Miss._ My Lord, she has had him upon the hip this seven Year. - -_Young Fash._ I'm glad to hear it; however, to strengthen your Interest -with him, you may let him know I have several fat Livings in my Gift, -and that the first that falls shall be in your Disposal. - -_Nurse._ Nay, then I'll make him marry more Folks, than one, I'll -promise him. - -_Miss._ Faith, do, Nurse, make him marry you too; I'm sure he'll do't -for a fat Living; for he loves Eating more than he loves his _Bible_; -and I have often heard, him say, a fat Living was the best Meat in the -World. - -_Nurse._ Ay, and I'll make him commend the Sauce too, or I'll bring his -Gown to a Cassock, I will so. - -_Young Fash._ Well, Nurse, whilst you go and settle Matters with him, -your Lady and I will go and take a walk in the Garden. - -_Nurse._ I'll do your Honour's Business in the catching up of a Garter. - - [_Exit ~Nurse~._ - -_Young Fash._ [_Giving her his Hand._] Come, Madam, dare you venture -yourself alone with me? - -_Miss._ O dear, yes, Sir; I don't think you'll do any thing to me I -need be afraid on. - - _Enter ~Amanda~ and ~Berinthia~._ - - A SONG. - - I. - - _I Smile at Love, and all its Arts, - The Charming_ Cynthia _cry'd; - Take heed, for Love has piercing Darts, - A wounded Swain reply'd. - Once free and blest as you are now, - I trifled with his Charms; - I pointed at his little Bow, - And sported with his Arms; - Till urg'd too far, Revenge he cries, - A fated Shaft he drew; - It took its passage thro your Eyes, - And to my Heart it flew._ - - II. - - _To tear it thence I try'd in vain; - To strive I quickly found - Was only to increase the Pain, - And to enlarge the Wound. - Ah! much too well, I fear, you know - What pain I'm to endure, - Since what your Eyes alone cou'd do, - Your Heart alone can cure. - And That (grant Heaven I may mistake) - I doubt is doom'd to bear - A Burden for another's sake, - Who ill rewards its Care._ - -_Aman._ Well, now, _Berinthia_, I'm at leisure to hear what 'twas you -had to say to me. - -_Ber._ What I had to say, was only to echo the Sighs and Groans of a -dying Lover. - -_Aman._ Phu, will you never learn to talk in earnest of any thing? - -_Ber._ Why this shall be in earnest, if you please; for my part, I only -tell you Matter of Fact--you may take it which way you like best; but -if you'll follow the Women of the Town, you'll take it both ways; for -when a Man offers himself to one of them, first she takes him in jest, -and then she takes him in earnest. - -_Aman._ I'm sure there's so much jest and earnest in what you say to -me, I scarce know how to take it; but I think you have bewitched me, -for I don't find it possible to be angry with you, say what you will. - -_Ber._ I'm very glad to hear it, for I have no mind to quarrel with -you, for some Reasons that I'll not brag of; but quarrel or not, smile -or frown, I must tell you what I have suffer'd upon your account. - -_Aman._ Upon my account! - -_Ber._ Yes, upon yours; I have been forc'd to sit still and hear you -commended for two Hours together, without one Compliment to myself; now -don't you think a Woman has a blessed time of that? - -_Aman._ Alas! I shou'd have been unconcern'd at it; I never knew where -the Pleasure lay of being prais'd by the Men: but pray who was this -that commended me so? - -_Ber._ One you have a mortal Aversion to--Mr. _Worthy_: he us'd you -like a Text, he took you all to pieces, but spoke so learnedly upon -every Point, one might see the Spirit of the Church was in him: if you -are a Woman, you'd have been in an Extasy to have heard how feelingly -he handled your Hair, your Eyes, your Nose, your Mouth, your Teeth, -your Tongue, your Chin, your Neck, and so forth. Thus he preach'd for -an Hour; but when he came to use an Application, he observ'd that all -these, without a Gallant, were nothing--Now consider of what has been -said, and Heaven give you Grace to put it in practice! - -_Aman._ Alas! _Berinthia_, did I incline to a Gallant, (which you -know I do not) do you think a Man so nice as he, cou'd have the least -concern for such a plain unpolish'd thing as I am? It is impossible! - -_Ber._ Now have you a great mind to put me upon commending you. - -_Aman._ Indeed that was not my Design. - -_Ber._ Nay, if it were, it's all one, for I won't do't, I'll leave that -to your Looking-glass. But to shew you I have some Good-nature left, -I'll commend him, and may be that may do as well. - -_Aman._ You have a great mind to persuade me I am in love with him. - -_Ber._ I have a great mind to persuade you, you don't know what you are -in love with. - -_Aman._ I am sure I am not in love with him, nor never shall be; so let -that pass: but you were saying something you wou'd commend him for. - -_Ber._ O, you'd be glad to hear a good Character of him, however. - -_Aman._ Psha. - -_Ber._ Psha----Well, 'tis a foolish Undertaking for Women in these kind -of Matters, to pretend to deceive one another----Have not I been bred a -Woman as well as you? - -_Aman._ What then? - -_Ber._ Why then I understand my Trade so well, that whenever I am told -of a Man I like, I cry, Psha! But that I may spare you the pains of -putting me a second time in mind to commend him, I'll proceed, and give -you this account of him: That tho' 'tis possible he may have had Women -with as good Faces as your Ladyship's, (no Discredit to it neither) -yet you must know your cautious Behaviour, with that Reserve in your -Humour, has given him his Death's Wound; he mortally hates a Coquette; -he says 'tis impossible to love where he cannot esteem; and that no -Woman can be esteemed by a Man who has Sense, if she makes herself -cheap in the Eye of a Fool. That Pride to a Woman, is as necessary as -Humility to a Divine; and that far-fetch'd, and dear bought, is Meat -for Gentlemen, as well as for Ladies----In short, that every Woman who -has Beauty may set a price upon herself, and that by under-selling the -Market they ruin the Trade. This is his Doctrine, how do you like it? - -_Aman._ So well that, since I never intend to have a Gallant for -myself, if I were to recommend one to a Friend, he shou'd be the Man. - - _Enter ~Worthy~._ - -Bless me, he's here! pray Heaven he did not hear me! - -_Ber._ If he did, it won't hurt your Reputation; your Thoughts are as -safe in his Heart as in your own. - -_Wor._ I venture in at an unseasonable time of Night, Ladies; I hope if -I am troublesome, you'll use the same freedom in turning me out again. - -_Aman._ I believe it can't be late, for Mr. _Loveless_ is not come home -yet, and he usually keeps good Hours. - -_Wor._ Madam, I'm afraid he'll transgress a little to-night; for he -told me about half an Hour ago, he was going to sup with some Company, -he doubted would keep him out till three or four o'clock in the -Morning, and desir'd I would let my Servant acquaint you with it, that -you might not expect him: But my Fellow's a Blunder-head; so, lest he -should make some mistake, I thought it my Duty to deliver the Message -myself. - -_Aman._ I'm very sorry he shou'd give you that trouble, Sir: But---- - -_Ber._ But since he has, will you give me leave, Madam, to keep him to -play at Ombre with us? - -_Aman._ Cousin, you know you command my House. - -_Wor. to Ber._] And, Madam, you know you command me, tho' I'm a very -wretched Gamester. - -_Ber._ O you play well enough to lose your Money, and that's all the -Ladies require; so without any more Ceremony, let us go into the next -Room and call for the Cards. - -_Aman._ With all my heart. - - [_Exit ~Wor~. leading ~Aman~._ - -_Ber. sola._ Well, how this Business will end, Heaven knows; but she -seems to me to be in as fair a way----as a Boy is to be a Rogue, when -he's put Clerk to an Attorney. - - [_Exit ~Berinthia~._ - - -+SCENE+, Berinthia's _Chamber_. - - _Enter ~Loveless~ cautiously in the dark._ - -_Lov._ So, thus for all's well. I'm got into her Bed-Chamber, and I -think nobody has perceiv'd me steal into the House; my Wife don't -expect me home till four o'Clock; so if _Berinthia_ comes to Bed by -eleven, I shall have a Chace of five Hours. Let me see, where shall I -hide myself? Under her Bed? No; we shall have her Maid searching there -for something or other; her Closet's a better place, and I have a -Master-Key will open it: I'll e'en in there, and attack her just when -she comes to her Prayers, that's the most like to prove her critical -Minute; for then the Devil will be there to assist me. - - [_He opens the Closet, goes in, and shuts the door after him._ - - _Enter ~Berinthia~ with a Candle in her hand._ - -_Ber._ Well, sure I am the best-natur'd Woman in the World. I that love -Cards so well (there is but one thing upon the Earth I love better) -have pretended Letters to write, to give my Friends a _Tête-à-Tête_; -however, I'm innocent, for Picquet is the Game I set 'em to: at her -own peril be it, if she ventures to play with him at any other. But -now what shall I do with myself? I don't know how in the World to pass -my time; wou'd _Loveless_ were here to _badiner_ a little! Well, he's -a charming Fellow, I don't wonder his Wife's so fond of him. What if -I shou'd set down and think of him till I fall asleep, and dream of -the Lord knows what? O, but then if I shou'd dream we were married, I -shou'd be frighted out of my Wits. [_Seeing a Book._] What's this Book? -I think I had best go read. _O Splenetique!_ 'tis a Sermon. Well, I'll -go into my Closet, and read the _Plotting Sisters_. [_She opens the -Closet, sees ~Loveless~, and shrieks out._] O Lord, a Ghost, a Ghost, a -Ghost, a Ghost! - - _Enter ~Loveless~ running to her._ - -_Lov._ Peace, my Dear; it's no Ghost, take it in your Arms, you'll find -'tis worth a hundred of 'em. - -_Ber._ Run in again; here's somebody coming. - - _Enter Maid._ - -_Maid._ O Lord, Madam, what's the matter? - -_Ber._ O Heav'ns! I'm almost frighted out of my Wits. I thought verily -I had seen a Ghost, and 'twas nothing but the white Curtain, with -a black Hood pinn'd up against it; you may be gone again, I am the -fearfullest Fool.-- - - [_Exit Maid._ - - _Re-enter ~Loveless~._ - -_Lov._ Is the Coast clear? - -_Ber._ The Coast clear! I suppose you are clear, you'd never play such -a Trick as this else. - -_Lov._ I am very well pleas'd with my Trick thus far, and shall be so -till I have play'd it out, if it ben't your Fault: where's my Wife? - -_Ber._ At Cards. - -_Lov._ With whom? - -_Ber._ With _Worthy_. - -_Lov._ Then we are safe enough. - -_Ber._ You are so! Some Husbands wou'd be of another mind, if he were -at Cards with their Wives. - -_Lov._ And they'd be in the right on't too. But I dare trust -mine:----Besides, I know he's in love in another place, and he's not -one of those who court half a dozen at a time. - -_Ber._ Nay, the truth on't is, you'd pity him if you saw how uneasy he -is at being engag'd with us; but 'twas my Malice. I fancy'd he was to -meet his Mistress some where else, so did it to have the pleasure of -seeing him fret. - -_Lov._ What says _Amanda_ to my staying abroad so late? - -_Ber._ Why she's as much out of Humour as he, I believe they wish one -another at the Devil. - -_Lov._ Then I'm afraid they'll quarrel at Play, and soon throw up the -Cards: [_Offering in pull her into her Closet._] Therefore, my dear -charming Angel, let us make good use of our time. - -_Ber._ Heavens! what do you mean? - -_Lov._ Pray what do you think I mean? - -_Ber._ I don't know. - -_Lov._ I'll shew you. - -_Ber._ You may as well tell me. - -_Lov._ No, that wou'd make you blush worse than t'other. - -_Ber._ Why, do you intend to make me blush? - -_Lov._ Faith, I can't tell that; but if I do, it shall be in the dark. - - [_Pulling her._ - -_Ber._ O Heavens! I wou'd not be in the dark with you for all the World. - -_Lov._ I'll try that. - - [_Puts out the Candles._ - -_Ber._ O Lord! are you mad! What shall I do for Light? - -_Lov._ You'll do as well without it. - -_Ber._ Why, one can't find a Chair to sit down? - -_Lov._ Come into the Closet, Madam, there's Moonshine upon the Couch. - -_Ber._ Nay, never pull, for I will not go. - -_Lov._ Then you must be carried. - - [_Carrying her._ - -_Ber._ Help, help, I'm ravish'd, ruin'd, undone. O Lord, I shall never -be able to bear it. - - [_Very softly._ - - -+SCENE+, _Sir ~Tunbelly~'s House_. - - _Enter Miss ~Hoyden~, Nurse, ~Young Fashion~, and ~Bull~._ - -_Young Fash._ This quick dispatch of yours, Mr. _Bull_, I take so -kindly, it shall give you a claim to my Favour as long as I live, I do -assure you. - -_Miss._ And to mine too, I promise you. - -_Bull._ I most humbly thank your Honours; and I hope, since it has -been my Lot to join you in the holy Bands of Wedlock, you will so -well cultivate the Soil which I have crav'd a Blessing on, that your -Children may swarm about you like Bees about a Honey-Comb. - -_Miss._ I'cod with all my Heart, the more the merrier, I say; ha, Nurse. - - _Enter ~Lory~, taking his Master hastily aside._ - -_Lo._ One Word with you, for Heaven's sake. - -_Young Fash._ What the Devil's the matter? - -_Lo._ Sir, your Fortune's ruin'd, and I don't think your Life's worth -a quarter of an Hour's Purchase: Yonder's your Brother arriv'd with -two Coaches and six Horses, twenty Footmen and Pages, a Coat worth -fourscore Pound, and a Perriwig down to his Knees: So judge what will -become of your Lady's Heart. - -_Young Fash._ Death and Furies! 'tis impossible. - -_Lo._ Fiends and Spectres! Sir, 'tis true. - -_Young Fash._ Is he in the House yet? - -_Lo._ No, they are capitulating with him at the Gate; the Porter tells -him, he's come to run away with _Miss Hoyden_, and has cock'd the -Blunderbuss at him; your Brother swears Gad Damme, they are a parcel -of Clawns, and he had a good mind to break off the Match; but they -have given the Word for Sir _Tunbelly_, so I doubt all will come out -presently. Pray, Sir, resolve what you'll do this Moment, for I'gad -they'll maul you. - -_Young Fash._ Stay a little. [_To Miss._] My Dear, here's a troublesome -Business my Man tells me of; but don't be frighten'd, we shall be too -hard for the Rogue. Here's an impudent Fellow at the Gate (not knowing -I was come hither _incognito_) has taken my Name upon him, in hopes to -run away with you. - -_Miss._ O the Brazen-fac'd Varlet, it's well we are married, or may be -we might never have been so. - -_Young Fash._ [_Aside._] I'gad, like enough: Pr'ythee, dear Doctor, run -to Sir _Tunbelly_, and stop him from going to the Gate, before I speak -with him. - -_Bull._ I fly, my good Lord---- - - [_Exit ~Bull~._ - -_Nurse._ An't please your Honour, my Lady and I had best lock ourselves -up till the Danger be over. - -_Young Fash._ Ay, by all means. - -_Miss._ Not so fast, I won't be lock'd up any more. I'm marry'd. - -_Young Fash._ Yes, pray my Dear do, till we have seiz'd this Rascal. - -_Miss._ Nay, if you pray me, I'll do any thing. - - [_Exeunt ~Miss~ and ~Nurse~._ - -_Young Fash._ O! here's Sir _Tunbelly_ coming. [_To_ Lo.] Hark you, -Sirrah, things are better than you imagine; the Wedding's over. - -_Lo._ The Devil it is, Sir. - -_Young Fash._ Not a Word, all's safe: But Sir _Tunbelly_ don't know it, -nor must not yet; so I am resolv'd to brazen the Business out, and have -the Pleasure of turning the Impostor upon his Lordship, which I believe -may easily be done. - - _Enter Sir ~Tunbelly~, ~Chap.~ and ~Servants~ arm'd._ - -_Young Fash._ Did you ever hear, Sir, of so impudent an Undertaking? - -Sir _Tun._ Never, by the Mass, but we'll tickle him, I'll warrant him. - -_Young Fash._ They tell me, Sir, he has a great many People with him -disguis'd like Servants. - -Sir _Tun._ Ay, ay, Rogues enow; but I'll soon raise the Posse upon 'em. - -_Young Fash._ Sir, if you'll take my Advice, we'll go a shorter way -to work; I find, whoever this Spark is, he knows nothing of my being -privately here; so if you pretend to receive him civilly, he'll enter -without Suspicion; and as soon as he is within the Gate, we'll whip up -the Drawbridge upon his Back, let fly the Blunderbuss to disperse the -Crew, and so commit him to Gaol. - -Sir _Tun._ I'gad, your Lordship is an ingenious Person, and a very -great General; but shall we kill any of 'em, or not? - -_Young Fash._ No, no, fire over their Heads only to fright them; I'll -warrant the Regiment scours when the Colonel's a Prisoner. - -Sir _Tun._ Then come along, my Boys, and let your Courage be -great----for your Danger is but small. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _The Gate._ - - _Enter Lord ~Foppington~ and ~Followers~._ - -_Lord Fop._ A Pax of these Bumkinly People, will they open the Gate, or -do they desire I shou'd grow at their Moat-side like a Willow? [_To the -Porter._] Hey, Fellow--Pr'ythee do me the Favour, in as few words as -thou canst find to express thyself, to tell me whether thy Master will -admit me or not, that I may turn about my Coach, and be gone. - -_Por._ Here's my Master himself now at hand, he's of Age, he'll give -you his Answer. - - _Enter Sir ~Tunbelly~, and his Servants._ - -Sir _Tun._ My most noble Lord, I crave your pardon for making your -Honour wait so long; but my Orders to my servants have been to admit no -body without my Knowledge, for fear of some Attempts upon my Daughter, -the Times being full of Plots and Roguery. - -_Lord Fop._ Much Caution, I must confess, is a Sign of great Wisdom: -But, stap my Vitals, I have got a Cold enough to destroy a Porter--He, -hem-- - -Sir _Tun._ I am very sorry for't, indeed, my Lord; but if your Lordship -please to walk in, we'll help you to some brown Sugar-Candy. My Lord, -I'll shew you the way. - -_Lord Fop._ Sir, I follow you with pleasure. - - [_Exeunt._ - - [_As Lord ~Foppington~'s Servants go to follow him - in, they clap the Door against ~La Varole~._ - -_Servants within._ Nay, hold you me there, Sir. - -_La Var._ _Jernie, qu'est ce que veut dire ça?_ - -Sir _Tun._ [_Within._]----Fire, Porter. - -_Porter fires._----Have among you, my Masters. - -_La Var._ _Ah je suis mort_-- - - [_The servants all run off._ - -_Port._ Not one Soldier left, by the Mass. - - -+SCENE+ _changes into a Hall._ - - _Enter Sir ~Tunbelly~, the ~Chaplain~ and ~Servants~, with - Lord ~Foppington~ disarm'd._ - -Sir _Tun._ Come, bring him along, bring him along. - -_Lord Fop._ What the Pax do you mean, Gentlemen, is it Fair time, that -you are all drunk before Dinner? - -Sir _Tun._ Drunk, Sirrah! Here's an impudent Rogue for you! Drunk or -Sober, Bully, I'm a Justice of the Peace, and know how to deal with -Strolers. - -_Lord Fop._ Strolers! - -Sir _Tun._ Ay, Strolers; come, give an account of yourself; what's -your Name? where do you live? Do you pay Scot and Lot? Are you a -_Williamite_, or a _Jacobite_? Come. - -_Lord Fop._ And why dost thou ask me so many impertinent Questions? - -Sir _Tun._ Because I'll make you answer 'em before I have done with -you, you Rascal you. - -_Lord Fop._ Before Gad, all the Answer I can make thee to 'em, is, that -thou art a very extraordinary old Fellow; stap my Vitals-- - -Sir _Tun._ Nay, if you are for joaking with Deputy-Lieutenants, we know -how to deal with you: Here, draw a Warrant for him immediately. - -_Lord Fop._ A Warrant----what the Devil is't thou wou'dst be at, old -Gentleman? - -Sir _Tun._ I wou'd be at you, Sirrah, (if my Hands were not ty'd as a -Magistrate) and with these two double Fists beat your Teeth down your -Throat, you Dog you. - -_Lord Fop._ And why would'st thou spoil my Face at that rate? - -Sir _Tun._ For your Design to rob me of my Daughter, Villain. - -_Lord Fop._ Rab thee of thy Daughter----Now I do begin to believe I am -a-bed and a-sleep, and that all this is but a Dream--If it be, 'twill -be an agreeable Surprize enough, to waken by and by; and instead of the -impertinent Company of a nasty Country Justice, find my self perhaps in -the Arms of a Woman of Quality--[_To Sir ~Tun.~_] Pr'ythee, old Father, -wilt thou give me leave to ask thee one Question? - -Sir _Tun._ I can't tell whether I will or not, till I know what it is. - -_Lord Fop._ Why, then, it is, whether thou didst not write to my Lord -_Foppington_ to come down and marry thy Daughter? - -Sir _Tun._ Yes, marry did I, and my Lord _Foppington_ is come down, and -shall marry my Daughter before she's a Day older. - -_Lord Fop._ Now give me thy Hand, dear Dad, I thought we should -understand one another at last. - -Sir _Tun._ This Fellow's mad----here bind him Hand and Foot. - - [_They bind him down._ - -_Lord Fop._ Nay, pr'ythee, Knight, leave fooling, thy Jest begins to -grow dull. - -Sir _Tun._ Bind him, I say, he's mad----Bread and Water, a dark Room, -and a Whip, may bring him to his Senses again. - -_Lord Fop._ [_Aside._] I'gad, if I don't waken quickly, by all that I -can see, this is like to prove one of the most impertinent Dreams that -ever I dreamt in my Life. - - _Enter ~Miss~ and ~Nurse~._ [_~Miss~ going up to him._] - -_Miss._ Is this he that wou'd have run away with me? Fough, how -he stinks of sweets! Pray, Father, let him be dragg'd through the -Horse-Pond. - -_Lord Fop._ [_Aside._] This must be my Wife by her natural Inclination -to her Husband. - -_Miss._ Pray, Father, what do you intend to do with him? hang him? - -Sir _Tun._ That at least, Child. - -_Nurse._ Ay, and it's e'en too good for him too. - -_Lord Fop._ [_Aside._] _Madame la Governante_, I presume, hitherto this -appears to me to be one of the most extraordinary Families that ever -Man of Quality match'd into. - -Sir _Tun._ What's become of my Lord, Daughter? - -_Miss._ He's just coming, Sir. - -_Lord Fop._ [_Aside._] My Lord----What does he mean by that now? - - _Enter ~Young Fashion~ and ~Lory~._ - -_Seeing him._] Stap my Vitals, _Tam_, now the Dream's out. - -_Young Fash._ Is this the Fellow, Sir, that design'd to trick me of -your Daughter? - -Sir _Tun._ This is he, my Lord, how do you like him? Is not he a pretty -Fellow to get a Fortune? - -_Young Fash._ I find by his Dress, he thought your Daughter might be -taken with a Beau. - -_Miss._ O Gemini! Is this a Beau? let me see him again----ha! I find a -Beau is no such ugly thing neither. - -_Young Fash._ I'gad, she'll be in love with him presently; I'll e'en -have him sent away to Gaol. [_To_ Lord Fop.] Sir, tho' your Undertaking -shews you are a Person of no extraordinary Modesty, I suppose you han't -Confidence enough to expect much Favour from me. - -_Lord Fop._ Strike me dumb, _Tam_, thou art a very impudent Fellow. - -_Nurse._ Look if the Varlet has not the Frontery to call his Lordship -plain _Thomas_. - -_Bull._ The business is, he wou'd feign himself mad, to avoid going to -Gaol. - -_Lord Fop._ [_Aside._] That must be the Chaplain, by his unfolding of -Mysteries. - -Sir _Tun._ Come, is the Warrant writ? - -_Cler._ Yes, Sir. - -Sir _Tun._ Give me the Pen, I'll sign it----So now, Constable, away -with him. - -_Lord Fop._ Hold one Moment----Pray, Gentlemen; my Lord _Foppington_, -shall I beg one Word with your Lordship? - -_Nurse._ O ho, it's my Lord with him now; see how Afflictions will -humble Folks. - -_Miss._ Pray, my Lord, don't let him whisper too close, lest he bite -your Ear off. - -_Lord Fop._. I am not altogether so hungry, as your Ladyship is pleased -to imagine. [_To_ Young Fash.] Look you, _Tam_, I am sensible I have -not been so kind to you as I ought, but I hope you'll forget what's -past, and accept of the five thousand Pounds I offer; thou may'st live -in extreme Splendor with it; stap my Vitals. - -_Young Fash._ It's a much easier matter to prevent a Disease than to -cure it; a quarter of that Sum would have secur'd your Mistress; twice -as much won't redeem her. - - [_Leaving him._ - -Sir _Tun._ Well, what says he? - -_Young Fash._ Only the Rascal offer'd me a Bribe to let him go. - -Sir _Tun._ Ay, he shall go, with a Pox to him: Lead on, Constable. - -_Lord Fop._. One word more, and I've done. - -Sir _Tun._ Before Gad, thou art an impudent Fellow, to trouble the -Court at this rate, after thou art condemned; but speak once for all. - -_Lord Fop._ Why then once for all; I have at last luckily call'd to -mind, that there is a Gentleman of this Country, who I believe cannot -live far from this place, if he were here, would satisfy you, I am -_Novelty_, Baron of _Foppington_, with five thousand Pounds a year, -and that Fellow there a Rascal, not worth a Groat. - -Sir _Tun._ Very well; now who is this honest Gentleman you are so well -acquainted with. [_To_ Young Fash.] Come, Sir, we shall hamper him. - -_Lord Fop._ 'Tis Sir _John Friendly_. - -Sir _Tun._ So, he lives within half a Mile, and came down into the -Country but last Night; this bold-fac'd Fellow thought he had been at -_London_ still, and so quoted him; now we shall display him in his -Colours: I'll send for Sir _John_ immediately. Here, Fellow, away -presently; and desire my Neighbour he'll do me the favour to step over, -upon an extraordinary Occasion; and in the mean while you had best -secure this Sharper in the _Gate-House_. - -_Const._ An't please your Worship, he may chance to give us the Slip -thence: If I were worthy to advise, I think the Dog-kennel's a surer -Place. - -Sir _Tun._ With all my heart, anywhere. - -_Lord Fop._ Nay, for Heaven's sake, Sir, do me the favour to put me in -a clean Room, that I mayn't daub my Clothes. - -Sir _Tun._ O when you have married my Daughter, her Estate will afford -you new ones: Away with him. - -_Lord Fop._ A dirty Country Justice is a barbarous Magistrate, stap my -Vitals---- - - [_Exit Constable with Lord ~Foppington~._ - -_Young Fash._ [_Aside._] I gad I must prevent this Knight's coming, or -the House will grow soon too hot to hold me. - -_To_ Sir _Tun._] Sir, I fancy 'tis not worth while to trouble Sir -_John_ upon this impertinent Fellow's Desire: I'll send and call the -Messenger back---- - -Sir _Tun._ Nay, with all my heart; for to be sure he thought he was far -enough off, or the Rogue wou'd never have nam'd him. - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Serv._ Sir, I met Sir _John_ just lighting at the Gate; he's come to -wait upon you. - -Sir _Tun._ Nay, then it happens as one cou'd wish. - -_Young Fash._ [_Aside._] The Devil it does! _Lory_, you see how things -are, here will be a Discovery presently, and we shall have our Brains -beat out: For my Brother will be sure to swear he don't know me: -Therefore run into the Stable, take the two first Horses you can light -on, I'll slip out at the Back-Door, and we'll away immediately. - -_Lo._ What, and leave your Lady, Sir? - -_Young Fash._ There's no Danger in that, as long as I have taken -possession; I shall know how to treat with them well enough, if once I -am out of their reach. Away, I'll steal after thee. - - [_Exit ~Lory~, his Master follows - him out at one Door, as Sir ~John~ enters at t'other._ - - _Enter Sir ~John~._ - -Sir _Tun._ Sir _John_, you are the welcom'st Man alive; I had just -sent a Messenger to desire you'd step over, upon a very extraordinary -Occasion--we are all in Arms here. - -Sir _John._ How so? - -Sir _Tun._ Why, you must know----a sinical sort of a tawdry Fellow -here (I don't know who the Devil he is, not I) hearing, I suppose, -that the Match was concluded between my Lord _Foppington_ and my Girl -_Hoyden_, comes impudently to the Gate, and with a whole Pack of Rogues -in Liveries, wou'd have pass'd upon me for his Lordship: But what does -I? I comes up to him boldly at the Head of his Guards, takes him by the -Throat, strikes up his Heels, binds him Hand and Foot, dispatches a -Warrant, and commits him Prisoner to the Dog-kennel. - -Sir _John._ So, but how do you know but this was my Lord? for I was -told he set out from _London_ the Day before me, with a very fine -Retinue, and intended to come directly hither. - -Sir _Tun._ Why now to shew you how many Lies People raise in that -damn'd Town, he came two Nights ago Post, with only one Servant, and is -now in the House with me: But you don't know the Cream of the Jest yet; -this same Rogue, (that lies yonder Neck and Heels among the Hounds) -thinking you were out of the Country, quotes you for his Acquaintance, -and said, if you were here, you'd justify him to be Lord _Foppington_, -and I know not what. - -Sir _John._ Pray will you let me see him? - -Sir _Tun._ Ay, that you shall presently----here, fetch the Prisoner. - - [_Exit Servant._ - -Sir _John._ I wish there ben't some Mistake in the Business, where's my -Lord? I know him very well. - -Sir _Tun._ He was here just now; see for him, Doctor, tell him Sir -_John_ is here to wait upon him. - - [_Ex. Chaplain._ - -Sir _John._ I hope, Sir _Tunbelly_, the young Lady is not married yet. - -Sir _Tun._ No, things won't be ready this Week; but why do you say, you -hope she is not married? - -Sir _John._ Some foolish Fancies only, perhaps I'm mistaken. - - _Re-enter Chaplain._ - -_Bull._ Sir, his Lordship is just rid out to take the Air. - -Sir _Tun._ To take the Air! Is that his _London_ Breeding, to go to -take the Air, when Gentlemen come to visit him? - -Sir _John._ 'Tis possible he might want it, he might not be well, some -sudden Qualm perhaps. - - _Enter Constable, ~&c.~ with Lord ~Foppington~._ - -_Lord Fop._ Stap my Vitals, I'll have Satisfaction. - -Sir _John._ [_Running to him._] My dear Lord _Foppington_! - -_Lord Fop._ Dear _Friendly_, thou art come in the critical Minute, -strike me dumb. - -Sir _John._ Why, I little thought to have found you in Fetters. - -_Lord Fop._ Why truly the World must do me the justice to confess, I -do use to appear, a little more _degagé_: But this old Gentleman, not -liking the Freedom of my Air, has been pleased to skewer down my Arms -like a Rabbit. - -Sir _Tun._ Is it then possible that this shou'd be the true Lord -_Foppington_ at last? - -_Lord Fop._ Why what do you see in his Face to make you doubt of it? -Sir, without presuming to have any extraordinary Opinion of my Figure, -give me leave to tell you, if you had seen as many Lords as I have -done, you would not think it impossible a Person of a worse _Taille_ -than mine, might be a modern Man of Quality. - -Sir _Tun._ Unbind him, Slaves: my Lord, I'm struck dumb, I can only -beg Pardon by Signs; but if a Sacrifice will appease you, you shall -have it. Here, pursue this _Tartar_, bring him back----Away, I say, a -Dog, Oons----I'll cut off his Ears and his Tail, I'll draw out all his -Teeth, pull his skin over his Head----and----what shall I do more? - -Sir _John._ He does indeed deserve to be made an Example of. - -_Lord Fop._ He does deserve to be _chartrè_, stap my Vitals. - -Sir _Tun._ May I then hope I have your Honour's Pardon? - -_Lord Fop._ Sir, we Courtiers do nothing without a Bribe; that fair -young Lady might do Miracles. - -Sir _Tun._ _Hoyden_, come hither, _Hoyden_. - -_Lord Fop._ _Hoyden_ is her Name, Sir? - -Sir _Tun._ Yes, my Lord. - -_Lord Fop._ The prettiest Name for a Song I ever heard. - -Sir _Tun._ My Lord----here's my Girl, she's yours, she has a wholesome -Body, and virtuous Mind; she's a Woman complete, both in Flesh and in -Spirit; she has a Bag of mill'd Crowns, as scarce as they are, and -fifteen hundred a-year flitch'd fast to her Tail: so go thy ways, -_Hoyden_. - -_Lord Fop._ Sir, I do receive her like a Gentleman. - -Sir _Tun._ Then I'm a happy Man, I bless Heaven, and if your Lordship -will give me leave, I will, like a good Christian at _Christmas_, be -very drunk by way of Thanksgiving. Come, my noble Peer, I believe -Dinner's ready; if your Honour pleases to follow me, I'll lead you on -to the Attack of a Venison Pasty. - - [_Exit Sir ~Tun.~_ - -_Lord Fop._ Sir, I wait upon you: Will your Ladyship do me the favour -of your little Finger, Madam? - -_Miss._ My Lord, I'll follow you presently. I have a little Business -with my Nurse. - -_Lord Fop._ Your Ladyship's most humble Servant; come, Sir _John_, the -Ladies have _des Affaires_. - - [_Exeunt ~Lord Fop~. and Sir ~John~._ - -_Miss._ So, Nurse, we are finely brought to bed! What shall we do now? - -_Nurse._ Ah, dear Miss, we are all undone! Mr. _Bull_, you were us'd to -help a Woman to a Remedy. - - [_Crying._ - -_Bull._ A lack a-day, but it's past my Skill now, I can do nothing. - -_Nurse._ Who wou'd have thought that ever your Invention shou'd have -been drain'd so dry? - -_Miss._ Well, I have often thought old Folks Fools, and now I'm sure -they are so; I have found a way myself to secure us all. - -_Nurse._ Dear Lady, what's that? - -_Miss._ Why, if you two will be sure to hold your Tongues, and not say -a word of what's past, I'll e'en marry this Lord too. - -_Nurse._ What! two Husbands, my Dear? - -_Miss._ Why you had three, good Nurse, you may hold your Tongue. - -_Nurse._ Ay, but not all together, sweet Child. - -_Miss._ Psha, if you had, you'd ne'er thought much on't. - -_Nurse._ O but 'tis a Sin--Sweeting. - -_Bull._ Nay, that's my business to speak to, Nurse. I do confess, to -take two Husbands for the Satisfaction of the Flesh, is to commit the -Sin of Exorbitancy; but to do it for the Peace of the Spirit, is no -more than to be drunk by way of Physick: Besides, to prevent a Parent's -Wrath, is to avoid the Sin of Disobedience; for when the Parent's angry -the Child is froward. So that upon the whole Matter, I do think, tho' -Miss shou'd marry again, she may be sav'd. - -_Miss._ I'cod, and I will marry again then, and so there is an end of -the Story. - - [_Exeunt._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ V. +SCENE+ _London_. - - - _Enter ~Coupler~, ~Young Fashion~, and ~Lory~._ - -_Coup._ Well, and so Sir _John_ coming in-- - -_Young Fash._ And so Sir _John_ coming in, I thought it might be -Manners in me to go out, which I did, and getting on Horseback as fast -as I cou'd, rid away as if the Devil had been at the Rear of me; what -has happen'd since, Heav'n knows. - -_Coup._ I'gad, Sirrah, I know as well as Heaven. - -_Young Fash._ What do you know? - -_Coup._ That you are a Cuckold. - -_Young Fash._ The Devil I am! By who? - -_Coup._ By your Brother. - -_Young Fash._ My Brother! which way? - -_Coup._ The old way, he has lain with your Wife. - -_Young Fash._ Hell and Furies, what dost thou mean? - -_Coup._ I mean plainly, I speak no Parable. - -_Young Fash._ Plainly! Thou dost not speak common Sense, I cannot -understand one Word thou sayst. - -_Coup._ You will do soon, Youngster. In short, you left your Wife a -Widow, and she married again. - -_Young Fash._ It's a Lye. - -_Coup._----I'cod, if I were a young Fellow, I'd break your Head, Sirrah. - -_Young Fash._ Dear Dad, don't be angry, for I'm as mad as _Tom ~of~ -Bedlam_. - -_Coup._ When I had fitted you with a Wife, you shou'd have kept her. - -_Young Fash._ But is it possible the young Strumpet cou'd play such a -Trick? - -_Coup._ A young Strumpet, Sir----can play twenty Tricks. - -_Young Fash._ But pr'ythee instruct me a little farther; whence comes -thy Intelligence! - -_Coup._ From your Brother, in this Letter; there, you may read it. - - [_~Young Fashion~ reads._ - - Dear _Coupler_, - -[Pulling off his Hat,] _I Have only time to tell thee in three Lines, -or thereabouts, that here has been the Devil! That Rascal ~Tam~, -having stole the Letter thou hadst formerly writ for me to bring to -Sir ~Tunbelly~, form'd a damnable Design upon my Mistress, and was in -a fair way of Success when I arriv'd. But after having suffer'd some -Indignities (in which I have all daub'd my embroider'd Coat) I put him -to flight. I sent out a Party of Horse after him, in hopes to have made -him my Prisoner, which if I had done, I would have qualified him for -the Seraglio, stap my Vitals. The Danger I have thus narrowly 'scap'd, -has made me fortify myself against further Attempts, by entering -immediately into an Association with the young Lady, by which we engage -to stand by one another, as long as we both shall live. In short, the -Papers are seal'd, and the Contract is sign'd, so the Business of the -Lawyer is ~achevé~; but I defer the divine part of the thing till I -arrive at ~London~, not being willing to consummate in any other Bed -but my own._ - - Postscript, - -_'Tis possible I may be in the Tawn as soon as this Letter; for I find -the Lady is so violently in love with me, I have determin'd to make her -happy with all the Dispatch that is practicable, without disardering my -Coach Harses._ - -So, here's rare Work, I'faith! - -_Lo._ I'gad, Miss _Hoyden_ has laid about her bravely. - -_Coup._ I think my Country-Girl has play'd her part, as well as if she -had been born and bred in St. _James_'s Parish. - -_Young Fash._----That Rogue the Chaplain. - -_Lo._ And then that Jade the Nurse, Sir. - -_Young Fash._ And then that drunken Sot, _Lory_, Sir; that cou'd not -keep himself sober to be a Witness to the Marriage. - -_Lo._ Sir----with respect----I know very few drunken Sots that do keep -themselves sober. - -_Young Fash._ Hold your prating, Sirrah, or I'll break your Head; dear -_Coupler_, what's to be done? - -_Coup._ Nothing's to be done till the Bride and Bridegroom come to Town. - -_Young Fash._ Bride and Bridegroom! Death and Furies! I can't bear that -thou shouldst call them so. - -_Coup._ Why, what shall I call them, Dog and Cat? - -_Young Fash._ Not for the World, that sounds more like Man and Wife -than t'other. - -_Coup._ Well, if you'll hear of them in no Language, we'll leave them -for the Nurse and the Chaplain. - -_Young Fash._ The Devil and the Witch. - -_Coup._ When they come to Town---- - -_Lo._ We shall have stormy Weather. - -_Coup._ Will you hold your tongues, Gentlemen, or not? - -_Lo._ Mum. - -_Coup._ I say when they, come, we must find what Stuff they are made -of, whether the Churchman be chiefly compos'd of the Flesh, or the -Spirit; I presume the former----For as Chaplains now go, 'tis probable -he eats three Pound of Beef to the reading one Chapter----This gives -him carnal Desires, he wants Money, Preferment, Wine, a Whore; -therefore we must invite him to Supper, give him fat Capons, Sack and -Sugar, a Purse of Gold, and a Plump Sister. Let this be done, and I'll -warrant thee, my Boy, he speaks Truth like an Oracle. - -_Young Fash._ Thou art a profound Statesman, I allow it; but how shall -we gain the Nurse? - -_Coup._ O never fear the Nurse, if once you have got the Priest, for -the Devil always rides the Hag. Well, there's nothing more to be said -of the Matter at this time, that I know of; so let us go and enquire, -if there's any News of our People yet, perhaps they may be come. But -let me tell you one thing by the way, Sirrah, I doubt you have been an -idle Fellow; if thou hadst behav'd thyself as thou shoud'st have done, -the Girl wou'd never have left thee. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _~Berinthia~'s Apartment._ - - _Enter her ~Maid~, passing the Stage, follow'd by ~Worthy~._ - -_Wor._ Hem, Mrs. _Abigail_, is your Mistress to be spoken with? - -_Ab._ By you, Sir, I believe she may. - -_Wor._ Why 'tis by me I wou'd have her spoken with. - -_Ab._ I'll acquaint her, Sir. - - [_Exit ~Ab~._ - - _~Worthy~ solus._ - -One Lift more I must persuade her to give me, and then I'm mounted. -Well, a young Bawd, and a handsome one for my Money, 'tis they do the -Execution; I'll never go to an old one, but when I have occasion for a -Witch. Lewdness looks heavenly to a Woman, when an Angel appears in its -Cause; but when a Hag is Advocate, she thinks it comes from the Devil. -An old Woman has something so terrible in her Looks, that whilst she is -persuading your Mistress to forget she has a Soul, she stares Hell and -Damnation full in her Face. - - _Enter ~Berinthia~._ - -_Ber._ Well, Sir, what News bring you? - -_Wor._ No News, Madam, there's a Woman going to cuckold her Husband. - -_Ber._ _Amanda_? - -_Wor._ I hope so. - -_Ber._ Speed her well. - -_Wor._ Ay, but there must be a more than a God-speed, or your Charity -won't be worth a Farthing. - -_Ber._ Why, han't I done enough already? - -_Wor._ Not quite. - -_Ber._ What's the matter? - -_Wor._ The Lady has a Scruple still which you must remove. - -_Ber._ What's that? - -_Wor._ Her Virtue----she says. - -_Ber._ And do you believe her? - -_Wor._ No, but I believe it's what she takes for her Virtue; it's some -Relicks of lawful Love: she is not yet fully satisfy'd her Husband has -got another Mistress, which unless I can convince her of, I have opened -the Trenches in vain; for the Breach must be wider, before I dare storm -the Town. - -_Ber._ And so I'm to be your Engineer! - -_Wor._ I'm sure you know best how to manage the Battery. - -_Ber._ What think you of springing a Mine? I have a Thought just now -come into my Head, how to blow her up at once. - -_Wor._ That would be a Thought, indeed! - -_Ber._----Faith, I'll do't, and thus the Execution of it shall be. We -are all invited to my Lord _Foppington_'s to-night to Supper, he's -come to Town with his Bride, and maketh a Ball, with an Entertainment -of Musick. Now you must know, my Undoer here, _Loveless_, says he -must needs meet me about some private Business (I don't know what -'tis) before we go to the Company. To which end he has told his Wife -one Lye, and I have told her another. But to make her amends, I'll go -immediately, and tell her a solemn Truth. - -_Wor._ What's that? - -_Ber._ Why, I'll tell her, that to my certain Knowledge her Husband -has a Rendezvous with his Mistress this Afternoon; and that if she'll -give me her Word, she will be satisfy'd with the Discovery, without -making any violent Inquiry after the Woman, I'll direct her to a Place, -where she shall see them meet.--Now, Friend, this I fancy may help you -to a critical Minute. For home she must go again to dress. You, with -your good-breeding, come to wait upon us to the Ball, find her all -alone, her Spirit enflam'd against her Husband for his Treason, and her -Flesh in a Heat from some Contemplations upon the Treachery, her Blood -on a Fire, her Conscience in ice; a Lover to draw, and the Devil to -drive----Ah, poor _Amanda_! - -_Wor._ [_Kneeling._] Thou Angel of Light, let me fall down and adore -thee! - -_Ber._ Thou Minister of Darkness, get up again, for I hate to see the -Devil at his Devotions. - -_Wor._ Well, my incomparable _Berinthia_----How shall I requite you---- - -_Ber._ O ne'er trouble yourself about that: Virtue is its own Reward: -There's a Pleasure in doing good, which sufficiently pays itself. Adieu. - -_Wor._ Farewel, thou best of Women. - - [_Exeunt several ways._ - - _Enter ~Amanda~, meeting ~Berinthia~._ - -_Aman._ Who was that went from you? - -_Ber._ A Friend of yours. - -_Aman._ What does he want? - -_Ber._ Something you might spare him, and be ne'er the poorer. - -_Aman._ I can spare him nothing but my Friendship; my Love already's -all dispos'd of: Tho', I confess, to one ungrateful to my Bounty. - -_Ber._ Why there's the Mystery! You have been so bountiful, you have -cloy'd him. Fond Wives do by their Husbands, as barren Wives do by -their Lap-Dogs; cram them with Sweetmeats till they spoil their -Stomachs. - -_Aman._ Alas! Had you but seen how passionately fond he has been since -our last Reconciliation, you wou'd have thought it were impossible he -ever should have breath'd an Hour without me. - -_Ber._ Ay but there you thought wrong again, _Amanda_; you shou'd -consider, that in Matters of Love Men's Eyes are always bigger than -their Bellies. They have violent Appetites, 'tis true, but they have -soon din'd. - -_Aman._ Well; there's nothing upon Earth astonishes me more than Men's -Inconstancy. - -_Ber._ Now there's nothing upon Earth astonishes me less, when I -consider what they and we are compos'd of. For Nature has made them -Children, and us Babies. Now, _Amanda_, how we us'd our Babies, you may -remember. We were mad to have them, as soon as we saw them; kiss'd them -to pieces, as soon as we got them; then pull'd off their Clothes, saw -them naked, and so threw them away. - -_Aman._ But do you think all Men are of this Temper? - -_Ber._ All but one. - -_Aman._ Who's that? - -_Ber._ _Worthy_. - -_Aman._ Why, he's weary of his Wife too, you see. - -_Ber._ Ay, that's no Proof. - -_Aman._ What can be a greater? - -_Ber._ Being weary of his Mistress. - -_Aman._ Don't you think 'twere possible he might give you that too? - -_Ber._ Perhaps he might, if he were my Gallant; not if he were your's. - -_Aman._ Why do you think he shou'd be more constant to me, than he -wou'd to you? I'm sure I'm not so handsome. - -_Ber._ Kissing goes by Favour; he likes you best. - -_Aman._ Suppose he does; That's no Demonstration he wou'd be constant -to me. - -_Ber._ No, that I'll grant you: But there are other Reasons to expect -it; for you must know after all, _Amanda_, the Inconstancy we commonly -see in Men of Brains, does not so much proceed from the Uncertainty -of their Temper, as from the Misfortunes of their Love. A Man sees, -perhaps, an hundred Women he likes well enough for an Intrigue, and -away; but possibly, thro' the whole Course of his Life, does not find -above one, who is exactly what he could wish her: now her, 'tis a -thousand to one, he never gets. Either she is not to be had at all -(tho' that seldom happens, you'll say) or he wants those Opportunities -that are necessary to gain her; either she likes somebody else much -better than him, or uses him like a Dog, because he likes no body so -well as her. Still something or other Fate claps in the way between -them and the Woman they are capable of being fond of. And this makes -them wander about from Mistress to Mistress, like a Pilgrim from Town -to Town, who every Night must have a fresh lodging, and 's in haste to -be gone in the Morning. - -_Aman._ Tis possible there may be something in what you say; but what -do you infer from it, as to the Man we were talking of? - -_Ber._ Why, I infer, that you being the Woman in the World the most to -his Humour, 'tis not likely he would quit you for one that is less. - -_Aman._ That is not to be depended upon, for you see Mr. _Loveless_ -does so. - -_Ber._ What does Mr. _Loveless_ do? - -_Aman._ Why, he runs after something for Variety, I'm sure he does not -like so well as he does me. - -_Ber._ That's more than you know, Madam. - -_Aman._ No, I'm sure on't: I am not very vain, _Berinthia_; and yet -I'll lay my Life, if I could look into his Heart, he thinks I deserve -to be prefer'd to a thousand of her. - -_Ber._ Don't be too positive in that neither: A Million to one, but she -has the same Opinion of you. What wou'd you give to see her? - -_Aman._ Hang her, dirty Trull; tho' I really believe she's so ugly, -she'd cure me of my Jealousy. - -_Ber._ All the Men of Sense about Town say she's handsome. - -_Aman._ They are as often out in those things as any People. - -_Ber._ Then I'll give you further Proof----all the Women about Town -say, she's a Fool: Now I hope you are convinc'd? - -_Aman._ Whate'er she be, I'm satisfy'd he does not like her well enough -to bestow any thing more than a little outward Gallantry upon her. - -_Ber._ Outward Gallantry!----[_Aside._] I can't bear this. [_To -Aman._] Don't you think she's a Woman to be fobb'd off so. Come, I'm -too much your Friend, to suffer you should be thus grossly impos'd -upon, by a Man who does not deserve the least part about you, unless -he knew how to set a greater Value upon it. Therefore in one word, to -my certain knowledge, he is to meet her now, within a quarter of an -Hour, somewhere about that _Babylon_ of Wickedness, _Whitehall_. And if -you'll give me your Word that you'll be content with seeing her mask'd -in his Hand, without pulling her Headclothes off, I'll step immediately -to the Person, from whom I have my Intelligence, and send you word -whereabouts you may stand to see 'em meet. My Friend and I'll watch 'em -from another place, and dodge 'em to their private Lodging: But don't -you offer to follow 'em, lest you do it awkwardly, and spoil all. I'll -come home to you again, as soon as I have earth'd 'em, and give you an -account in what corner of the House the Scene of their Lewdness lies. - -_Aman._ If you can do this, _Berinthia_, he's a Villain. - -_Ber._ I can't help that, Men will be so. - -_Aman._ Well! I'll follow your Directions; for I shall never rest till -I know the worst of this matter. - -_Ber._ Pray, go immediately, and get yourself ready then. Put on some -of your Woman's Clothes, a great Scarf and a Mask, and you shall -presently receive Orders. [_Calls within._] Here, who's there? get me a -Chair quickly. - -_Serv._ There are Chairs at the Door, Madam. - -_Ber._ 'Tis well, I'm coming. - -_Aman._ But pray, _Berinthia_, before you go, tell me how I may know -this filthy Thing, if she would be so forward (as I suppose she will) -to come to the Rendezvous first; for, methinks, I would fain view her a -little. - -_Ber._ Why, she's about my heighth; and very well shap'd. - -_Aman._ I thought she had been a little crooked? - -_Ber._ O no, she's as straight as I am. But we lose time, come away. - - [_Exeunt._ - - _Enter ~Young Fashion~, meeting ~Lory~._ - -_Young Fash._ Well, will the Doctor come? - -_Lo._ Sir, I sent a Porter to him as you order'd me. He found him with -a Pipe of Tobacco and a great Tankard of Ale, which he said he wou'd -dispatch while I cou'd tell three, and be here. - -_Young Fash._ He does not suspect 'twas I that sent for him? - -_Lo._ Not a Jot, Sir, he divines as little for himself, as he does for -other Folks. - -_Young Fash._ Will he bring Nurse with him? - -_Lo._ Yes. - -_Young Fash._ That's well; where's _Coupler_? - -_Lo._ He's half way up the Stairs taking Breath; he must play his -Bellows a little, before he can get to the top. - - _Enter ~Coupler~._ - -_Young Fash._ O here he is. Well, old Phthisick, the Doctor's coming. - -_Coup._ Wou'd the Pox had the Doctor----I'm quite out of Wind [_To -Lo._] Set me a Chair, Sirrah. Ah----[_Sits down._] [_To Young Fash._] -Why the Plague can'st not thou lodge upon the Ground-Floor? - -_Young Fash._ Because I love to lie as near Heaven as I can. - -_Coup._ Pr'ythee let Heaven alone; ne'er affect tending that way: Thy -Center's downwards. - -_Young Fash_. That's impossible. I have too much ill Luck in this -World, to be damn'd in the next. - -_Coup._ Thou art out in thy Logick. Thy Major is true, but thy Minor is -false; for thou art the luckiest Fellow in the Universe. - -_Young Fash_. Make out that. - -_Coup._ I'll do't: Last Night the Devil ran away with the Parson of -_Fat-goose_ Living. - -_Young Fash._ If he had run away with the Parish too, what's that to me? - -_Coup._ I'll tell thee what it's to thee. This Living is worth five -hundred Pound a-year, and the Presentation of it is thine, if thou -can'st prove thyself a lawful Husband to Miss _Hoyden_. - -_Young Fash._ Say'st thou so, my Protector! then I'gad I shall have a -Brace of Evidences here presently. - -_Coup._ The Nurse and the Doctor? - -_Young Fash._ The same: The Devil himself won't have Interest enough to -make them withstand it. - -_Coup._ That we shall see presently: Here they come. - - _Enter ~Nurse~ and ~Chaplain~; they start back, seeing ~Young - Fashion~._ - -_Nurse._ Ah Goodness, _Roger_, we are betray'd. - -_Young Fash._ [_Laying hold on them._] Nay, nay, ne'er flinch for the -matter; for I have you safe. Come to your Trials immediately; I have no -time to give you Copies of your Indictment. There sits your Judge.-- - -_Both kneeling._ Pray, Sir, have Compassion on us. - -_Nurse._ I hope, Sir, my Years will move your Pity; I am an aged Woman. - -_Coup._ That is a moving Argument, indeed! - -_Coup._ [_To Bull._] Are not you a rogue of Sanctity? - -_Bull._ Sir, with respect to my Function, I do wear a Gown. I hope, -Sir, my Character will be consider'd; I am Heaven's Ambassador. - -_Coup._ Did not you marry this vigorous young Fellow to a plump young -buxom Wench? - -_Nurse._ [_To Bull._] Don't confess, _Roger_, unless you are hard put -to it, indeed? - -_Coup._ Come, out with't--Now is he chewing the Cud of his Roguery, and -grinding a Lye between his Teeth. - -_Bull._ Sir,----I cannot positively say----I say, Sir----positively I -cannot say---- - -_Coup._ Come, no Equivocation, no Roman Turns upon us. Consider thou -stand'st upon Protestant Ground, which will slip from under thee like -a _Tyburn_ Car; for in this Country we have always ten Hangmen for one -Jesuit. - -_Bull._ [_To Young Fash._] Pray, Sir, then will you but permit me to -speak one word in private with Nurse? - -_Young Fash._ Thou art always for doing something in private with Nurse. - -_Coup._ But pray let his Betters be serv'd before him for once. I would -do something in private with her myself; _Lory_, take care of this -Reverend Gownman in the next Room a little. Retire, Priest. [_Exit -~Lo~. with ~Bull~._]--Now, Virgin, I must put the matter home to you a -little: Do you think it might not be possible to make you speak Truth? - -_Nurse._ Alas! Sir, I don't know what you mean by Truth. - -_Coup._ Nay,'tis possible thou may'st be a Stranger to it. - -_Young Fash._ Come, Nurse, you and I were better Friends when we saw -one another last; and I still believe you are a very good Woman in -the bottom. I did deceive you and your young Lady, 'tis true, but I -always design'd to make a very good Husband to her, and to be a very -good Friend to you. And 'tis possible in the end, she might have found -herself happier and you richer, than ever my Brother will make you. - -_Nurse._ Brother! Why is your Worship then his Lordship's Brother! - -_Young Fash._ I am; which you should have known, if I durst have staid -to have told you; but I was forc'd to take Horse a little in haste, you -know. - -_Nurse._ You were, indeed, Sir: poor young Man, how he was bound to -scaure for't. Now won't your Worship be angry, if I confess the Truth -to you; when I found you were a Cheat (with respect be it spoken) I -verily believ'd Miss had got some pitiful Skip-Jack Varlet or other to -her Husband, or I had ne'er let her think of marrying again. - -_Coup._ But where was your Conscience all this while, Woman? Did not -that stare you in the Face with huge Saucer-eyes, and a great Horn upon -the Forehead? Did not you think you should be damn'd for such a Sin? Ha! - -_Young Fash._ Well said, Divinity, press that home upon her. - -_Nurse._ Why, in good truly, Sir, I had some fearful Thoughts on't, -and cou'd never be brought to consent, till Mr. _Bull_ said it was a -_Peckadilla_, and he'd secure my Soul for a Tythe-Pig. - -_Young Fash._ There was a Rogue for you. - -_Coup._ And he shall thrive accordingly: He shall have a good Living. -Come, honest _Nurse_, I see you have Butter in your Compound; you can -melt. Some Compassion you can have of this handsome young Fellow. - -_Nurse._ I have, indeed, Sir. - -_Young Fash._ Why, then, I'll tell you what you shall do for me. You -know what a warm Living here is fallen; and that it must be in the -Disposal of him who has the Disposal of Miss. Now if you and the Doctor -will agree to prove my Marriage, I'll present him to it, upon condition -he makes you his Bride. - -_Nurse._ Naw the Blessing of the Lord follow your good Worship both by -Night and by Day! Let him be fetch'd in by the Ears; I'll soon bring -his Nose to the Grindstone. - -_Coup._ [_Aside._] Well said, old Whit-Leather. Hey; bring in the -Prisoner there. - - _Enter ~Lory~ with ~Bull~._ - -_Coup._ Come, advance, holy Man! Here's your Duck does not think fit to -retire with you into the Chancel at this time; but she has a Proposal -to make to you in the Face of the Congregation. Come, _Nurse_, speak -for yourself; you are of Age. - -_Nurse._ _Roger_, are not you a wicked Man, _Roger_, to set your -Strength against a weak Woman, and persuade her it was no Sin to -conceal Miss's Nuptials? My Conscience flies in my Face for it, thou -Priest of _Baal_; and I find by woful Experience, thy Absolution is not -worth an old Cassock: therefore I am resolved to confess the Truth to -the whole World, tho' I die a Beggar for it. But his Worship overflows -with his Mercy, and his Bounty: He is not only pleas'd to forgive us -our Sins, but designs thou sha't squat thee down in _Fat-goose_ Living; -and, which is more than all, has prevail'd with me to become the Wife -of thy Bosom. - -_Young Fash._ All this I intend for you, Doctor. What you are to do for -me, I need not tell you. - -_Bull._ Your Worship's Goodness is unspeakable: Yet there is one thing -seems a Point of Conscience; and Conscience is a tender Babe. If I -shou'd bind myself, for the sake of this Living, to marry _Nurse_, and -maintain her afterwards, I doubt it might be look'd on as a kind of -Simony. - -_Coup._ [_Rising up._] If it were Sacrilege, the Living's worth it: -Therefore no more Words, good Doctor: but with the [_Giving ~Nurse~ to -him._] Parish----here----take the Parsonage-house. 'Tis true, 'tis a -little out of Repair; some Dilapidations there are to be made good; the -Windows are broke, the Wainscot is warp'd, the Ceilings are peel'd, and -the Walls are crack'd; but a little Glasing, Painting, White-wash, and -Plaster, will make it last thy time. - -_Bull._ Well, Sir, if it must be so, I shan't contend: What Providence -orders, I submit to. - -_Nurse._ And so do I, with all Humility. - -_Coup._ Why, that now was spoke like good People. Come, my -Turtle-Doves, let us go help this poor Pigeon to his wandering Mate -again: and after Institution and Induction, you shall all go a-cooing -together. - - [_Exeunt._ - - _Enter ~Amanda~, in a Scarf, &c. as just returned, her - Woman following her._ - -_Aman._ Pr'ythee, what care I who has been here? - -_Wom._ Madam, 'twas my Lady _Bridle_, and my Lady _Tiptoe_. - -_Aman._ My Lady _Fiddle_, and my Lady _Faddle_. What dost stand -troubling me with the Visits of a parcel of impertinent Women? When -they are well seam'd with the Small Pox, they won't be so fond of -shewing their Faces----There are more Coquettes about this Town-- - -_Wom._ Madam, I suppose, they only came to return your Ladyship's -Visit, according to the Custom of the World. - -_Aman._ Wou'd the World were on Fire, and you in the middle on't! Be -gone: leave me. - - [_Exit Wom._ - - _~Amanda~ sola._ - - At last I am convinc'd. My Eyes are Testimonies of his Falshood. - The base, ungrateful, perjur'd Villain---- - Good Gods--What slippery Stuff are Men compos'd of! - Sure the Account of their Creation's false, - And 'twas the Woman's Rib that they were form'd of. - But why am I thus angry? - This poor Relapse shou'd only move my Scorn. - 'Tis true, the roving Flights of his unfinish'd Youth - Had strong Excuses from the Plea of Nature: - Reason had thrown the Reins loose on his Neck, - And slipt him to unlimited Desire. - If therefore he went wrong, he had a Claim - To my Forgiveness, and I did him right. - But since the Years of Manhood rein him in, - And Reason, well digested into Thought, - Has pointed out the Course he ought to run; - If now he strays, - 'Twou'd be as weak and mean in me to pardon, - As it has been in him t' offend. But hold: - 'Tis an ill Cause indeed, where nothing's to be said for't. - My Beauty possibly is in the Wain: - Perhaps Sixteen has greater Charms for him: - Yes, there's the Secret. But let him know, - My Quiver's not entirely empty'd yet, - I still have Darts, and I can shoot 'em too; - They're not so blunt, but they can enter still; - The Want's not in my Power, but in my Will. - Virtue's his Friend; or, thro' another's Heart, - I yet cou'd find the way to make his smart. - - [_Going off, she meets ~Worthy~._ - -Ha! He here? Protect me, Heaven, for this looks ominous. - -_Wor._ You seem disorder'd, Madam; I hope there's no Misfortune -happen'd to you? - -_Aman._ None that will long disorder me, I hope. - -_Wor._ Whate'er it be disturbs you, I wou'd to Heaven 'twere in my -Power to bear the Pain, till I were able to remove the Cause. - -_Aman._ I hope ere long it will remove itself. At least, I have given -it warning to be gone. - - _Wor._ Wou'd I durst ask, Where 'tis the Thorn torments you? - Forgive me, if I grow inquisitive; - 'Tis only with desire to give you Ease. - -_Aman._ Alas! 'tis in a tender Part. It can't be drawn without a World -of Pain: Yet out it must; for it begins to fester in my Heart. - -_Wor._ If 'tis the Sting of unrequited Love, remove it instantly: I -have a Balm will quickly heal the Wound. - -_Aman._ You'll find the Undertaking difficult: The Surgeon who already -has attempted it, has much tormented me. - -_Wor._ I'll aid him with a gentler Hand--if you will give me leave. - -_Aman._ How soft soe'er the Hand may be, there still is Terror in the -Operation. - -_Wor._ Some few Preparatives would make it easy, could I persuade you -to apply 'em. Make Home Reflections, Madam, on your slighted Love: -Weigh well the Strength and Beauty of your Charms: Rouse up that Spirit -Women ought to bear, and slight your God, if he neglects his Angel. -With Arms of Ice receive his cold Embraces, and keep your Fire for -those who come in Flames. Behold a burning Lover at your Feet, his -Fever raging in his Veins. See how he trembles, how he pants! See how -he glows, how he consumes! Extend the Arms of Mercy to his Aid: his -Zeal may give him Title to your Pity, altho' his Merit cannot claim -your Love. - -_Aman._ Of all my feeble Sex, sure I must be the weakest, shou'd I -again presume to think on Love. [_Sighing._]--Alas! my Heart has been -too roughly treated. - -_Wor._ 'Twill find the greater Bliss in softer Usage. - -_Aman._ But where's that Usage to be found? - -_Wor._ 'Tis here, within this faithful Breast; which if you doubt, I'll -rip it up before your Eyes; lay all its Secrets open to your View; and -then you'll see 'twas sound. - -_Aman._ With just such honest Words as these, the worst of Men deceiv'd -me. - -_Wor._ He therefore merits all Revenge can do: his Fault is such, the -Extent and Stretch of Vengeance cannot reach it. O make me but your -Instrument of Justice; you'll find me execute it with such Zeal, as -shall convince you I abhor the Crime. - -_Aman._ The Rigour of an Executioner has more the Face of Cruelty than -Justice: And he who puts the Cord about the Wretch's Neck, is seldom -known to exceed him in his Morals. - -_Wor._ What Proof then can I give you of my Truth? - -_Aman._ There is on Earth but one. - -_Wor._ And is that in my Power? - -_Aman._ It is: And one that would so thoroughly convince me, I should -be apt to rate your Heart so high, I possibly might purchase't with a -part of mine. - -_Wor._ Then, Heav'n, thou art my Friend, and I am blest; for if 'tis -in my Power, my Will I'm sure will reach it. No matter what the Terms -may be, when such a Recompence is offer'd. O tell me quickly what this -Proof must be! What is it will convince you of my Love? - -_Aman._ I shall believe you love me as you ought, if from this Moment, -you forbear to ask whatever is unfit for me to grant.----You pause upon -it, Sir----I doubt on such hard Terms, a Woman's Heart is scarcely -worth the having. - -_Wor._ A Heart like yours, on any Terms is worth it; 'twas not on that -I paus'd: But I was thinking [_Drawing nearer to her._] whether some -things there may not be, which Women cannot grant without a Blush, and -yet which Men may take without Offence. [_Taking her Hand._] Your Hand -I fancy may be of the Number: O pardon me, if I commit a Rape upon it, -[_Kissing it eagerly._] and thus devour it with my Kisses! - -_Aman._ O Heavens! let me go. - -_Wor._ Never, whilst I have Strength to hold you here. [_Forcing her to -sit down on a Couch._] My Life, my Soul, my Goddess----O forgive me! - -_Aman._ O whither am I going? Help, Heaven, or I am lost. - -_Wor._ Stand neuter, Gods, this once I do invoke you. - -_Aman._ Then, save me, Virtue, and the Glory's thine. - -_Wor._ Nay, never strive. - -_Aman._ I will; and conquer too. My Forces rally bravely to my Aid, -[_Breaking from him._] and thus I gain the Day. - -_Wor._ Then mine as bravely double their Attack. [_Seizing her again._] -And thus I wrest it from you. Nay, struggle not; for all's in vain: On -Death or victory; I am determin'd. - -_Aman._ And so am I. [_Rushing from him._] Now keep your distance, or -we part for ever. - -_Wor._ [_Offering again._] For Heaven's sake---- - -_Aman._ [_Going._] Nay then, farewel. - -_Wor._ [_Kneeling and holding by her Clothes._] O stay, and see the -Magick Force of Love: Behold this raging Lion at your Feet, struck -dead with Fear, and tame as Charms can make him. What must I do to be -forgiven by you? - -_Aman._ Repent, and never more offend. - -_Wor._ Repentance for past Crimes is just and easy; but sin no more's a -Task too hard for Mortals. - -_Aman._ Yet those who hope for Heaven, must use their best Endeavours -to perform it. - -_Wor._ Endeavours we may use, but Flesh and Blood are got in t'other -Scale; and they are pond'rous things. - -_Aman._ Whate'er they are, there is a Weight in Resolution sufficient -for their Balance. The Soul, I do confess, is usually so careless of -its Charge, so soft, and so indulgent to Desire, it leaves the Reins -in the wild Hand of Nature, who, like a _Phaeton_, drives the fiery -Chariot, and sets the World on Flame. Yet still the Sovereignty is in -the Mind, whene'er it pleases to exert its Force. Perhaps you may not -think it worth your while to take such mighty pains for my Esteem; but -that I leave to you. - - You see the Price I set upon my Heart; } - Perhaps 'tis dear: But spite of all your Art, } - You'll find on cheaper Terms we ne'er shall part. } - - [_Exit ~Amanda~._ - - _~Worthy~ solus_. - -Sure there's Divinity about her; and she'as dispens'd some portion on't -to me. For what but now was the wild Flame of Love, or (to dissect that -specious Term) the vile, the gross Desires of Flesh and Blood, is in a -Moment turn'd to Adoration. The coarser Appetite of Nature's gone, and -'tis, methinks, the Food of Angels I require: how long this Influence -may last, Heaven knows. But in this Moment of my Purity, I cou'd on her -own Terms accept her Heart. Yes, lovely Woman, I can accept it. For now -'tis doubly worth my Care. Your Charms are much increas'd, since thus -adorn'd. When Truth's extorted from us, then we own the Robe of Virtue -is a graceful Habit. - - Cou'd Women but our secret Counsels scan, - Cou'd they but reach the deep Reserves of Man, - They'd wear it on, that That of Love might last; - For when they throw off one, we soon the other cast. - Their Sympathy is such---- - The Fate of one, the other scarce can fly-- - They live together, and together die. - - [_Exit._ - - _Enter ~Miss~ and ~Nurse~._ - -_Miss._ But is it sure and certain, say you, he's my Lord's own Brother? - -_Nurse._ As sure, as he's your lawful Husband. - -_Miss._ I'cod, if I had known that in time, I don't know but I might -have kept him; For, between you and I, Nurse, he'd have made a Husband -worth two of this I have. But which do you think you shou'd fancy most, -Nurse? - -_Nurse._ Why, truly, in my poor fancy, Madam, your first Husband is the -prettier Gentleman. - -_Miss._ I don't like my Lord's Shapes, Nurse. - -_Nurse._ Why in good truly, as a body may say, he is but a Slam. - -_Miss._ What do you think now he puts me in mind of? Don't you remember -a long, loose, shambling sort of a Horse my Father call'd _Washy_? - -_Nurse._ As like as two Twin-Brothers. - -_Miss._ I'cod, I have thought so a hundred times: 'Faith, I'm tired of -him. - -_Nurse._ Indeed, Madam, I think you had e'en as good stand to your -first Bargain. - -_Miss._ O but, Nurse, we han't considered the main thing yet. -If I leave my Lord, I must leave my Lady too: and when I rattle -about the Streets in my Coach, they'll only say, there goes -Mistress----Mistress----Mistress what? What's this Man's Name, I have -married, Nurse? - -_Nurse._ 'Squire _Fashion_. - -_Miss._ 'Squire _Fashion_ is it?----Well, 'Squire, that's better than -nothing: Do you think one cou'd not get him made a Knight, Nurse? - -_Nurse._ I don't know but one might, Madam, when the King's in a good -Humour. - -_Miss._ I'cod, that wou'd do rarely. For then he'd be as good a Man as -my Father, you know. - -_Nurse._ By'r Lady, and that's as good as the best of 'em. - -_Miss._ So 'tis, faith; for then I shall be my Lady, and your Ladyship -at every Word, that's all I have to care for. Ha, Nurse! But hark you -me, one thing more, and then I have done. I'm afraid, if I change my -Husband again, I shan't have so much Money to throw about, Nurse. - -_Nurse._ O, enough's as good as a Feast: Besides, Madam, one don't -know, but as much may fall to your share with the younger Brother, as -with the elder. For tho' these Lords have a power of Wealth, indeed; -yet as I have heard say, they give it all to their Sluts and their -Trulls, who joggle it about in their Coaches, with a Murrain to 'em, -whilst poor Madam sits sighing and wishing, and knotting and crying, -and has not a spare Half-Crown to buy her a _Practice of Piety_. - -_Miss._ O, but for that, don't deceive yourself, Nurse. For this I must -[_Snapping her Fingers._] say for my Lord, and a----for him: He's as -free as an open House at _Christmas_. For this very Morning he told me, -I shou'd have two hundred a-year to buy Pins. Now, Nurse, if he gives -me two hundred a-year to buy Pins, what do you think he'll give me to -buy fine Petticoats? - -_Nurse._ Ah, my Dearest, he deceives these faully, and he's no better -than a Rogue for his pains. These _Londoners_ have got a Gibberidge -with them, would confound a Gipsey. That which they call Pin-money, is -to buy their Wives every thing in the varsal World, down to their very -Shoe-tyes? Nay, I have heard Folks say, That some Ladies, if they will -have Gallants, as they call 'em, are forc'd to find them out of their -Pin-money too. - -_Miss._ Has he serv'd me so, say ye?----Then I'll be his Wife no -longer, that's fixt. Look, here he comes, with all the fine Folks at -'s heels. I'cod, Nurse, these _London_ Ladies will laugh till they -crack again, to see me slip my Collar, and run away from my Husband. -But, d'ye hear? Pray take care of one thing: When the Business comes to -break out, be sure you get between me and my Father, for you know his -Tricks; he'll knock me down. - -_Nurse._ I'll mind him, ne'er fear, Madam. - - _Enter Lord ~Foppington~, ~Loveless~, ~Worthy~, ~Amanda~, - and ~Berinthia~._ - -_Lord Fop._ Ladies and Gentlemen, you are all welcome. [_To_ Lov.] -_Loveless_----That's my Wife; pr'ythee do me the favour to salute -her: And do'st hear, [_Aside to him._] if thau hast a mind to try thy -Fartune, to be reveng'd of me, I won't take it ill, stap my Vitals. - -_Lov._ You need not fear, Sir, I'm too fond of my own Wife, to have the -least Inclination for yours. - - [_All salute Miss._ - -_Lord Fop._ [_Aside._] I'd give a thausand Paund he wou'd make Love to -her, that he may see she has sense enough to prefer me to him, tho' his -own Wife has not: [_Viewing him._]--He's a very beastly Fellow, in my -Opinion. - -_Miss._ [_Aside._] What a Power of fine Men there are in this _London_! -He that kist me first, is a goodly Gentleman, I promise you: Sure those -Wives have a rare time on't, that live here always. - - _Enter Sir ~Tunbelly~, with Musicians, Dancers, ~&c.~_ - -Sir _Tun._ Come, come in, good People, come in; come, tune your -Fiddles, tune your Fiddles. - -_To the Hautboys._] Bag-pipes, make ready there. Come, strike up. - - [_Sings._ - - _For this is ~Hoyden~'s Wedding-day; - And therefore we keep Holy-day, - And come to be merry._ - -Ha! there's my Wench, I'faith: Touch and take, I'll warrant her; she'll -breed like a tame Rabbit. - -_Miss._ [_Aside._] I'cod, I think my Father's gotten drunk before -Supper. - -Sir _Tun._ [_To ~Lov~. and ~Wor~._] Gentlemen, you are welcome. -[_Saluting ~Aman~. and ~Ber~._] Ladies, by your leave. Ha----They bill -like Turtles. Udsookers, they set my old Blood a-fire; I shall cuckold -some body before Morning. - -_Lord Fop._ [_To Sir ~Tun~._] Sir, you being Master of the -Entertainment, will you desire the Company to sit? - -Sir _Tun._ Oons, Sir,----I'm the happiest Man on this side the _Ganges_. - -_Lord Fop._ [_Aside._] This is a mighty unaccountable old Fellow. [_To -Sir ~Tun~._] I said, Sir, it wou'd be convenient to ask the Company to -sit. - -Sir _Tun._ Sit----with all my heart: Come, take your places, Ladies; -take your places, Gentlemen: Come, sit down, sit down; a Pox of -Ceremony, take your places. - - [_They sit, and the Mask begins._ - - Dialogue between _Cupid_ and _Hymen_. - - Cupid. 1. - - _Thou Bane to my Empire, thou Spring of Contest, - Thou Source of all Discord, thou Period to Rest; - Instruct me what Wretches in Bondage can see, - That the Aim of their Life is still pointed to thee._ - - Hymen. 2. - - _Instruct me, thou little impertinent God, - From whence all thy Subjects have taken the Mode - To grow fond of a Change, to whatever it be, - And I'll tell thee why those wou'd be bound, who are free._ - - Chorus. - - _For Change, we're for Change, to whatever it be, - We are neither contented with Freedom nor Thee. - Constancy's an empty Sound, - Heaven, and Earth, and all go round, - All the Works of Nature move, - And the Joys of Life and Love - Are in Variety._ - - Cupid. 3. - - _Were Love the Reward of a pains-taking Life, - Had a Husband the Art to be fond of his Wife; - Were Virtue so plenty, a Wife cou'd afford, - These very hard Times, to be true to her Lord; - Some specious Account might be given of those - Who are ty'd by the Tail, to be led by the Nose._ - - 4. - - _But since 'tis the Fate of a Man and his Wife, - To consume all their Days in Contention and Strife: - Since whatever the Bounty of Heaven may create her, - He's morally sure he shall heartily hate her; - I think 'twere much wiser to ramble at large, - And the Volleys of Love on the Herd to discharge._ - - Hymen. 5. - - _Some colour of Reason thy Counsel might bear, - Cou'd a Man have no more than his Wife to his share; - Or were I a Monarch so cruelly just, - To oblige a poor Wife to be true to her Trust; - But I have not pretended, for many Years past, - By marrying of People, to make 'em grow chaste._ - - 6. - - _I therefore advise thee to let me go on, - Thou'd find I'm the Strength and Support of thy Throne; - For hadst thou but Eyes, thou wouldst quickly perceive it, - How smoothly the Dart - Slips into the Heart - Of a Woman that's Wed; - Whilst the shivering Maid - Stands trembling, and wishing, but dare not receive it._ - - Chorus. - - _For Change,_ &c. - - _The Mask ended, enter ~Young Fash~, ~Coupler~, and ~Bull~._ - -Sir _Tun._ So, very fine, very fine, i'faith; this is something like a -Wedding; now if Supper were but ready, I'd say a short Grace; and if I -had such a Bedfellow as _Hoyden_ to night----I'd say as short Prayers. - -_Seeing Young Fash._ How now----what have we got here? A Ghost? Nay, it -must be so; for his Flesh and Blood cou'd never have dar'd to appear -before me. [_To him._] Ah, Rogue---- - -_Lord Fop._ Stap my Vitals, _Tam_ again? - -Sir _Tun._ My Lord, will you cut his Throat? Or shall I? - -_Lord Fop._ Leave him to me, Sir, if you please. Pr'ythee, _Tam_, be so -ingenuous now, as to tell me what thy Business is here? - -_Young Fash._ 'Tis with your Bride. - -_Lord Fop._ Thau art the impudent'st Fellow that Nature has yet spawn'd -into the Warld, strike me speechless. - -_Young Fash._ Why you know my Modesty wou'd have starv'd me; I sent it -a-begging to you, and you wou'd not give it a Groat. - -_Lord Fop._ And dost thau expect by an excess of Assurance to extart a -Maintenance fram me? - -_Young Fash._ [_Taking Miss by the Hand._] I do intend to extort your -Mistress from you, and that I hope will prove one. - -_Lord Fop._ I ever thaught _Newgate_ or _Bedlam_ wou'd be his Fartune, -and naw his Fate's decided. Pr'ythee, _Loveless_, dost knaw of ever a -Mad Doctor hard by? - -_Young Fash._ There's one at your Elbow will cure you presently. - -_To Bull._ Pr'ythee, Doctor, take him in hand quickly. - -_Lord Fop._ Shall I beg the Favour of you, Sir, to pull your Fingers -out of my Wife's Hand? - -_Young Fash._ His Wife! Look you there; now I hope you are all -satisfy'd he's mad. - -_Lord Fop._ Naw is it not impassible far me to penetrate what Species -of Fally it is thou art driving at? - -_Sir Tun._ Here, here, here, let me beat out his Brains, and that will -decide all. - -_Lord Fop._ No, pray, Sir, hold, we'll destray him presently according -to Law. - -_Young Fash._ [_To_ Bull.] Nay, then advance, Doctor: come, you are a -Man of Conscience, answer boldly to the Questions I shall ask: Did not -you marry me to this young Lady, before ever that Gentleman there saw -her Face? - -_Bull._ Since the Truth must out, I did. - -_Young Fash._ Nurse, sweet Nurse, were not you a Witness to it? - -_Nurse._ Since my Conscience bids me speak----I was. - -_Young Fash._ [_To Miss._] Madam, am not I your lawful Husband? - -_Miss._ Truly I can't tell, but you married me first. - -_Young Fash._ Now I hope you are all satisfy'd? - -Sir _Tun._ [_Offering to strike him, is held by ~Lov~. and ~Wor~._] -Oons and Thunder, you lye. - -_Lord Fop._ Pray, Sir, be calm, the Battle is in Disarder, but requires -more Canduct than Courage to rally our Forces. Pray, Dactar, one word -with you. - -_To_ Bull [_Aside._] Look you, Sir, tho' I will not presume to -calculate your Notions of Damnation, fram the Description you give -us of Hell, yet since there is at least a passibility you may have a -Pitchfark thrust in your Backside, methinks, it shou'd not be worth -your while to risk your Saul in the next Warld, for the sake of a -beggarly yaunger Brather, who is nat able to make your Bady happy in -this. - -_Bull._ Alas! my Lord, I have no worldly Ends; I speak the Truth, -Heaven knows. - -_Lord Fop._ Nay, pr'ythee, never engage Heaven in the matter; far, by -all I can see, 'tis like to prove a Business for the Devil. - -_Young Fash._ Come, pray, Sir, all above-board, no corrupting of -Evidences; if you please, this young Lady is my lawful Wife, and I'll -justify it in all the Courts of _England_; so your Lordship (who always -had a Passion for Variety) may go seek a new Mistress, if you think fit. - -_Lord Fop._ I am struck dumb with his Impudence, and cannot passitively -tell whether ever I shall speak again, or nat. - -Sir _Tun._ Then let me come and examine the Business a little, I'll -jerk the Truth out of 'em presently; here, give me my Dog-Whip. - -_Young Fash._ Look you, old Gentleman, 'tis in vain to make a Noise; -if you grow mutinous, I have some Friends within Call, have Swords by -their Sides, above four Foot long; therefore be calm, hear the Evidence -patiently, and when the Jury have given their Verdict, pass Sentence -according to Law: Here's honest _Coupler_ shall be Foreman, and ask as -many Questions as he pleases. - -_Coup._ All I have to ask is, whether Nurse persists in her Evidence? -The Parson, I dare swear, will never flinch from his. - -_Nurse._ [_To Sir ~Tun~. kneeling._] I hope in Heaven your Worship will -pardon me; I have served you long and faithfully, but in this thing I -was over-reach'd; your Worship, however, was deceiv'd as, well as I; -and if the Wedding-Dinner had been ready, you had put Madam to Bed with -him with your own Hands. - -Sir _Tun._ But how durst you do this, without acquainting of me? - -_Nurse._ Alas! if your Worship had seen how the poor Thing begg'd, and -pray'd, and clung, and twin'd about me, like Ivy to an old Wall, you -wou'd say, I who had suckled it, and swaddled it, and nurst it both wet -and dry, must have had a Heart of Adamant to refuse it. - -Sir _Tun._ Very well. - -_Young Fash._ Foreman, I expect your Verdict. - -_Coup._ Ladies and Gentlemen, what's your Opinions? - -_All._ A clear Case, a clear Case. - -_Coup._ Then, my young Folks, I wish you Joy. - -Sir _Tun._ [_To_ Young Fash.] Come hither, Stripling; if it be true, -then, that thou hast marry'd my Daughter, pr'ythee tell me who thou art? - -_Young Fash._ Sir, the best of my Condition is, I am your Son-in-law; -and the worst of it is, I am Brother to that Noble Peer there. - -Sir _Tun._ Art thou Brother to that Noble Peer----Why then, that Noble -Peer, and thee, and thy Wife, and the Nurse, and the Priest----may all -go and be damn'd together. - - [_Exit Sir ~Tun~._ - -_Lord Fop._ [_Aside._] Naw, for my part, I think the wisest thing a Man -can do with an aking Heart, is to put on a serene Countenance; for a -Philosaphical Air is the most becoming thing in the Warld to the Face -of a Person of Quality; I will therefore bear my Disgrace like a Great -Man, and let the People see I am above an Affrant. [_To_ Young Fash.] -Dear _Tam_, since Things are thus fallen aut, pr'ythee give me leave to -wish thee Jay. I do it _de bon Cœur_, strike me dumb: you have marry'd -a Woman beautiful in her Person, charming in her Airs, prudent in her -Canduct, canstant in her Inclinations, and of a nice Marality, split my -Wind-pipe. - -_Young Fash._ Your Lardship may keep up your Spirits with your Grimace, -if you please; I shall support mine with this Lady, and two thousand -Pound a-year. - -_Taking Miss._] Come, Madam: - - We once again, you see, are Man and Wife, - And now, perhaps, the Bargain's struck for Life: - If I mistake, and we shou'd part again. - At least you see you may have choice of Men: - Nay, shou'd the War at length such Havock make, - That Lovers shou'd grow scarce, yet for your sake, - Kind Heaven always will preserve a Beau-- - - _Pointing to_ Lord Fop.] You'll find his Lordship ready to come to. } - } - _Lord Fop._ Her Ladyship shall stap my Vitals, if I do. } - -[Illustration] - - - - -EPILOGUE, - - - Spoken by - - Lord =Foppington=. - - Gentlemen and Ladies, - - _These People have regal'd you here to-day - (In my Opinion) with a saucy Play; - In which the Author does presume to shew, - That Coxcomb,_ ab Origine--_was Beau. - Truly I think the thing of so much weight, } - That if some sharp Chastisement ben't his Fate, } - Gad's Curse, it may in time destroy the State. } - I hold no one its Friend, I must confess, - Who wou'd discauntenance you Men of Dress. - Far, give me leave t'abserve, good Clothes are Things - Have ever been of great Support to Kings: - All Treasons come fram Slovens; it is nat - Within the reach of Gentle Beaux to plat; - They have no Gall; no Spleen, no Teeth, no Stings, - Of all Gad's Creatures, the most harmless Things. - Thro' all Recard, no Prince was ever slain - By one who had a Feather in his Brain, - They're Men of too refin'd an Education, - To squabble with a Court--for a vile dirty Nation. - I'm very pasitive, you never saw - A tho'ro' Republican a finish'd Beau. - Nor truly shall you very often see - A ~Jacobite~ much better drest than he: - In short, thro' all the Courts that I have been in, - Your Men of Mischief--still are in faul Linen. - Did ever one yet dance the ~Tyburn~ Jigg, - With a free Air, or a well pawder'd Wig? - Did ever Highway-man yet bid you stand, - With a sweet bawdy Snuff-Box in his Hand? - Ar do you ever find they ask your Purse - As Men of Breeding do?----Ladies, Gad's Curse, - This Author is a Dag, and 'tis not fit - You shou'd allow him e'en one Grain of Wit: - To which, that his Pretence may ne'er be nam'd, - My humble Motion is----he may be damn'd._ - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -THE - -PROVOK'D WIFE. - -A - -COMEDY. - - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -PROLOGUE. - - - Spoken by Mrs. _Bracegirdle_. - - _Since 'tis th' Intent and Business of the Stage, - To copy out the Follies of the Age; - To hold to every Man a faithful Glass, - And shew him of what Species he's an Ass: - I hope the next that teaches in the School, - Will shew our Author he's a scribbling Fool. - And that the Satire may be sure to bite, } - Kind Heav'n! inspire some venom'd Priest to write, } - And grant some ugly Lady may indite. } - For I wou'd have him lash'd, by Heavens! I wou'd, - Till his Presumption swam away in Blood. - Three Plays at once proclaim a Face of Brass, } - No matter what they are; That's not the Case-- } - To write three Plays, e'en that's to be an Ass. } - But what I least forgive, he knows it too, - For to his Cost he lately has known you-- - Experience shews, to many a Writer's Smart, - You hold a Court where Mercy ne'er had part; - So much of the old Serpent's Sting you have, - You love to Damn, as Heaven delights to Save. - In foreign Parts, let a bold Volunteer, } - For Public Good, upon the Stage appear, } - He meets ten thousand Smiles to dissipate his Fear. } - All tickle on th' adventuring young Beginner, - And only scourge th' incorrigible Sinner; - They touch indeed his Faults, but with a Hand - So gentle, that his Merit still may stand; - Kindly they buoy the Follies of his Pen, - That he may shun 'em when he writes again. - But 'tis not so in this good-natur'd Town, } - All's one, an Ox, a Poet, or a Crown; } - Old ~England~'s Play was always knocking down._ } - - - - -Dramatis Personæ. - - -MEN. - - _Constant_, Mr. _Verbruggen_. - _Heartfree_, Mr. _Hudson_. - Sir _John Brute_, Mr. _Betterton_. - _Treble_, a Singing-Master, Mr. _Bowman_. - _Rasor_, Valet de Chambre to Sir _John Brute_, Mr. _Bowen_. - Justice of the Peace, Mr. _Bright_. - Lord _Rake_, } Companions to - Col. _Bully_, } Sir _John Brute_. - Constable _and_ Watch. - - -WOMEN. - - Lady _Brute_, Mrs. _Barry_. - _Belinda_, her Niece, Mrs. _Bracegirdle_. - Lady _Fancyfull_, Mrs. _Bowman_. - _Madamoiselle_, Mrs. _Willis_. - _Cornet_ and _Pipe_, Servants to Lady _Fancyfull_. - -[Illustration] - - THE - PROVOK'D WIFE. - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ I. +SCENE+ I. - - +SCENE+, _Sir ~John Brute~'s House_. - - - _Enter Sir ~John~, solus._ - -What cloying Meat is Love--when Matrimony's the Sauce to it! Two Years -Marriage has debauch'd my five Senses. Every thing I see, every thing -I hear, every thing I feel, every thing I smell, and every thing I -taste--methinks has Wife in't. No Boy was ever so weary of his Tutor, -no Girl of her Bib, no Nun of doing Penance, or old Maid of being -chaste, as I am of being married. Sure there's a secret Curse entail'd -upon the very Name of Wife. My Lady is a young Lady, a fine Lady, a -witty Lady, a virtuous Lady,--and yet I hate her. There is but one -thing on Earth I loath beyond her: That's Fighting. Would my Courage -come up to a fourth part of my Ill-Nature, I'd stand buff to her -Relations, and thrust her out of doors. But Marriage has sunk me down -to such an Ebb of Resolution, I dare not draw my Sword, tho' even to -get rid of my Wife. But here she comes. - - _Enter ~Lady Brute~._ - -_Lady Brute._ Do you dine at home to-day, Sir _John_? - -_Sir John._ Why, do you expect I should tell you what I don't know -myself? - -_Lady Brute._ I thought there was no harm in asking you. - -_Sir John._ If thinking wrong were an excuse for Impertinence, Women -might be justify'd in most things they say or do. - -_Lady Brute._ I'm sorry I have said any thing to displease you. - -_Sir John._ Sorrow for things past is of as little importance to me, as -my dining at home or abroad ought to be to you. - -_Lady Brute._ My Enquiry was only that I might have provided what you -lik'd. - -_Sir John._ Six to four you had been in the wrong there again; for what -I lik'd yesterday I don't like to-day; and what I like to-day, 'tis -odds I mayn't like to-morrow. - -_Lady Brute._ But if I had ask'd you what you lik'd? - -_Sir John._ Why then there wou'd have been more asking about it than -the thing was worth. - -_Lady Brute._ I wish I did but know how I might please you. - -_Sir John._ Ay, but that sort of Knowledge is not a Wife's Talent. - -_Lady Brute._ Whate'er my Talent is, I'm sure my Will has ever been to -make you easy. - -_Sir John._ If Women were to have their Wills, the World wou'd be -finely govern'd. - -_Lady Brute._ What reason have I given you to use me as you do of late? -It once was otherwise: You marry'd me for Love. - -_Sir John._ And you me for Money: So you have your Reward, and I have -mine. - -_Lady Brute._ What is it that disturbs you? - -_Sir John._ A Parson. - -_Lady Brute._ Why, what has he done to you? - -_Sir John._ He has married me. - - [_Exit Sir ~John~._ - - _Lady ~Brute~ sola._ - -The Devil's in the Fellow, I think----I was told before I married him, -that thus 'twou'd be: But I thought I had Charms enough to govern him; -and that where there was an Estate, a Woman must needs be happy; so -my Vanity has deceiv'd me, and my Ambition has made me uneasy. But -there's some Comfort still; if one wou'd be reveng'd of him, these are -good times; a Woman may have a Gallant, and a separate Maintenance -too--The surly Puppy--yet he's a Fool for't: for hitherto he has been -no Monster: But who knows how far he may provoke me? I never lov'd -him, yet I have been ever true to him; and that, in spite of all the -Attacks of Art and Nature upon a poor weak Woman's Heart, in favour of -a tempting Lover. Methinks so noble a Defence as I have made, shou'd -be rewarded with a better Usage--Or who can tell?----Perhaps a good -part of what I suffer from my Husband, may be a Judgment upon me for -my Cruelty to my Lover.----Lord, with what pleasure could I indulge -that Thought, were there but a Possibility of finding Arguments to -make it good!----And how do I know but there may?--Let me see----What -opposes?--My matrimonial Vow----Why, what did I vow? I think I promis'd -to be true to my Husband. Well; and he promis'd to be kind to me. But -he han't kept his Word----Why then I'm absolv'd from mine--Ay, that -seems clear to me. The Argument's good between the King and the People, -why not between the Husband and the Wife? O, but that Condition was not -exprest--No matter, 'twas understood. Well, by all I see, if I argue -the matter a little longer with myself, I shan't find so many Bug-bears -in the Way as I thought I shou'd. Lord, what fine Notions of Virtue do -we Women take up upon the Credit of old foolish Philosophers! Virtue's -its own Reward, Virtue's this, Virtue's that----Virtue's an Ass, and a -Gallant's worth forty on't. - - _Enter ~Belinda~._ - -_Lady Brute._ Good-morrow, dear Cousin. - -_Bel._ Good-morrow, Madam; you look pleas'd this Morning. - -_Lady Brute._ I am so. - -_Bel._ With what, pray? - -_Lady Brute._ With my Husband. - -_Bel._ Drown Husbands; for your's is a provoking Fellow: As he went out -just now, I pray'd him to tell me what time of Day 'twas; and he ask'd -me if I took him for the Church-Clock, that was oblig'd to tell all the -Parish. - -_Lady Brute._ He has been saying some good obliging things to me too. -In short, _Belinda_, he has us'd me so barbarously of late, that I -cou'd almost resolve to play the downright Wife--and cuckold him. - -_Bel._ That would be downright indeed. - -_Lady Brute._ Why, after all, there's more to be said for't than -you'd imagine, Child. I know, according to the strict Statute-Law of -Religion, I shou'd do wrong: But if there were a Court of Chancery in -Heav'n, I'm sure I shou'd cast him. - -_Bel._ If there were a House of Lords, you might. - -_Lady Brute._ In either I should infallibly carry my Cause. Why, he is -the first Aggressor, not I. - -_Bel._ Ay, but you know we must return Good for Evil. - -_Lady Brute._ That may be a Mistake in the Translation--Pr'ythee be of -my Opinion, _Belinda_; for I'm positive I'm in the right; and if you'll -keep up the Prerogative of a Woman, you'll likewise be positive you -are in the right, whenever you do any thing you have a mind to. But I -shall play the Fool, and jest on, till I make you begin to think I'm in -earnest. - -_Bel._ I shan't take the Liberty, Madam, to think of any thing that you -desire to keep a Secret from me. - -_Lady Brute._ Alas, my Dear, I have no Secrets. My Heart cou'd never -yet confine my Tongue. - -_Bel._ Your Eyes, you mean; for I'm sure I have seen them gadding, when -your Tongue has been lock'd up safe enough. - -_Lady Brute._ My Eyes gadding! Pr'ythee after who, Child? - -_Bel._ Why, after one that thinks you hate him, as much as I know you -love him. - -_Lady Brute._ _Constant_ you mean. - -_Bel._ I do so. - -_Lady Brute._ Lord, what shou'd put such a thing into your Head? - -_Bel._ That which puts things into most People's Heads, Observation. - -_Lady Brute._ Why what have you observ'd, in the Name of Wonder? - -_Bel._ I have observed you blush when you met him; force yourself away -from him; and then be out of humour with every thing about you: In a -Word, never was poor Creature so spurr'd on by Desire, and so rein'd in -with Fear. - -_Lady Brute._ How strong is Fancy! - -_Bel._ How weak is Woman! - -_Lady Brute._ Pr'ythee, Niece, have a better Opinion of your Aunt's -Inclination. - -_Bel._ Dear Aunt, have a better Opinion of your Niece's Understanding. - -_Lady Brute._ You'll make me angry. - -_Bel._ You'll make me laugh. - -_Lady Brute._ Then you are resolv'd to persist? - -_Bel._ Positively. - -_Lady Brute._ And all I can say---- - -_Bel._ Will signify nothing. - -_Lady Brute._ Tho' I should swear 'twere false-- - -_Bel._ I should think it true. - -_Lady Brute._ Then let us both forgive; [_Kissing her._] for we have -both offended: I, in making a Secret; you, in discovering it. - -_Bel._ Good Nature may do much: But you have more Reason to forgive -one, than I have to pardon t'other. - -_Lady Brute._ 'Tis true, _Belinda_, you have given me so many Proofs -of your Friendship, that my Reserve has been indeed a Crime: But that -you may more easily forgive me, remember, Child, that when our Nature -prompts us to a thing our Honour and Religion have forbid us; we wou'd -(wer't possible) conceal even from the Soul itself, the Knowledge of -the Body's Weakness. - -_Bel._ Well, I hope, to make your Friend amends, you'll hide nothing -from her for the future, tho' the Body shou'd still grow weaker and -weaker. - -_Lady Brute._ No, from this Moment I have no more Reserve; and for a -Proof of my Repentance, I own, _Belinda_, I'm in danger. Merit and -Wit assault me from without; Nature and Love sollicit me within; my -Husband's barbarous Usage piques me to Revenge; and _Satan_, catching -at the fair Occasion, throws in my way that Vengeance, which of all -Vengeance pleases Women best. - -_Bel._ 'Tis well _Constant_ don't know the Weakness of the -Fortification; for o' my Conscience he'd soon come on to the Assault. - -_Lady Brute._ Ay, and I'm afraid carry the Town too. But whatever you -may have observ'd, I have dissembled so well as to keep him ignorant. -So you see I'm no Coquette, _Belinda_: And if you follow my Advice, -you'll never be one neither. 'Tis true, Coquetry is one of the main -Ingredients in the natural Composition of a Woman; and I, as well as -others, cou'd be well enough pleas'd to see a Crowd of young Fellows -ogling, and glancing, and watching all Occasions to do forty foolish -officious Things: Nay, shou'd some of 'em push on, even to hanging or -drowning, why--'faith--if I shou'd let pure Woman alone, I shou'd e'en -be but too well pleas'd with it. - -_Bel._ I'll swear 'twould tickle me strangely. - -_Lady Brute._ But after all, 'tis a vicious Practice in us, to give -the least Encouragement but where we design to come to a Conclusion. -For 'tis an unreasonable thing to engage a Man in a Disease, which we -beforehand resolve we never will apply a Cure to. - -_Bel._ 'Tis true; but then a Woman must abandon one of the supreme -Blessings of her Life. For I am fully convinc'd, no Man has half that -Pleasure in possessing a Mistress, as a Woman has in jilting a Gallant. - -_Lady Brute._ The happiest Woman then on Earth must be our Neighbour. - -_Bel._ O the impertinent Composition! She has Vanity and Affectation -enough to make her a ridiculous Original, in spite of all that Art and -Nature ever furnish'd to any of her Sex before her. - -_Lady Brute._ She concludes all Men her Captives; and whatever Course -they take, it serves to confirm her in that Opinion. - -_Bel._ If they shun her, she thinks 'tis Modesty, and takes it for a -Proof of their Passion. - -_Lady Brute._ And if they are rude to her, 'tis Conduct, and done to -prevent Town-talk. - -_Bel._ When her Folly makes 'em laugh; she thinks they are pleased with -her Wit. - -_Lady Brute._ And when her Impertinence makes 'em dull, concludes they -are jealous of her Favours. - -_Bel._ All their Actions and their Words, she takes for granted, aim at -her. - -_Lady Brute._ And pities all other Women, because she thinks they envy -her. - -_Bel._ Pray, out of pity to ourselves, let us find a better Subject; -for I'm weary of this. Do you think your Husband inclined to Jealousy? - -_Lady Brute._ O, no; he does not love me well enough for that. Lord, -how wrong Men's Maxims are! They are seldom jealous of their Wives, -unless they are very fond of 'em; whereas they ought to consider the -Women's Inclinations; for there depends their Fate. Well, Men may talk; -But they are not so wise as we----that's certain. - -_Bel._ At least in our Affairs. - -_Lady Brute._ Nay, I believe we shou'd out-do 'em in the Business of -the State too: For, methinks, they do and undo, and make but bad Work -on't. - -_Bel._ Why then don't we get into the Intrigues of Government as well -as they? - -_Lady Brute._ Because we have Intrigues of our own, that make us more -Sport, Child. And so let's in and consider of 'em. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _A Dressing-Room_. - - _Enter Lady ~Fancyfull~, ~Madamoiselle~, and ~Cornet~._ - -_Lady Fan._ How do I look this Morning? - -_Cor._ Your Ladyship looks very ill, truly. - -_Lady Fan._ Lard, how ill-natur'd thou art, _Cornet_, to tell me so, -tho' the thing shou'd be true! Don't you know that I have Humility -enough to be but too easily out of Conceit with myself? Hold the Glass; -I dare swear that will have more Manners than you have. _Madamoiselle_, -let me have your Opinion too. - -_Madam._ My opinion pe, Matam, dat your Latyship never look so well in -your Life. - -_Lady Fan._ Well, the _French_ are the prettiest, obliging People; they -say the most acceptable, well-manner'd things--and never flatter. - -_Madam._ Your Latyship say great Justice inteed. - -_Lady Fan._ Nay, every thing's just in my House but _Cornet_. The -very Looking-Glass gives her the _Dementi_. But I'm almost afraid it -flatters me, it makes me look so very engaging. - - [_Looking affectedly in the Glass._ - -_Madam._ Inteed, Matam, your face pe handsomer den all de Looking-Glass -in de World, _croyez moy_. - -_Lady Fan._ But is it possible my Eyes can be so languishing--and so -very full of Fire? - -_Madam._ Matam, if de Glass was Burning-Glass, I believe your Eyes set -de Fire in de House. - -_Lady Fan._ You may take that Night-gown, _Madamoiselle_; get out of -the Room, _Cornet_; I can't endure you. This Wench, methinks, does look -so unsufferably ugly. - -_Madam._ Every ting look ugly, Matam, dat stand by your Latyship. - -_Lady Fan._ No really, _Madamoiselle_, methinks you look mighty pretty. - -_Madam._ Ah Matam! de Moon have no Eclat ven de Sun appear. - -_Lady Fan._ O pretty Expression! Have you ever been in Love, -_Madamoiselle_? - -Madam. _Ouy_, Matame. - - [_Sighing._ - -_Lady Fan._ And were you belov'd again? - -Madam. _Non_, Matame. - -_Lady Fan._ O ye Gods! What an unfortunate Creature shou'd I be in such -a Case! But Nature has made me nice, for my own Defence: I'm nice, -strangely nice, _Madamoiselle_; I believe were the Merit of whole -Mankind bestow'd upon one single Person, I shou'd still think the -Fellow wanted something to make it worth my while to take notice of -him; and yet I could love; nay, fondly love, were it possible to have -a thing made on purpose for me: For I'm not cruel, _Madamoiselle_; I'm -only nice. - -_Madam._ Ah Matam, I wish I was fine Gentleman for your sake. I do -all de ting in de World to get leetel way into your Heart. I make -Song, I make Verse, I give you de Serenade, I give great many Present -to _Madamoiselle_; I no eat, I no sleep, I be lean, I be mad, I hang -myself, I drown myself. _Ah ma chere Dame, que je vous aimerois!_ - - [_Embracing her._ - -_Lady Fan._ Well, the _French_ have strange obliging ways with 'em; you -may take those two pair of Gloves, _Madamoiselle_. - -_Madam._ Me humbly tanke my sweet Lady. - - _Enter ~Cornet~._ - -_Cor._ Madam, here's a Letter for your Ladyship by the Penny Post. - -_Lady Fan._ Some new Conquest, I'll warrant you. For without Vanity, -I look'd extremely clear last Night when I went to the Park.--O -agreeable! Here's a new Song made of me: And ready set too. O thou -welcome thing! [_Kissing it._] Call _Pipe_ hither, she shall sing it -instantly. - - _Enter ~Pipe~._ - -Here, sing me this new Song, _Pipe_. - - SONG. - - I. - - _Fly, fly, you happy Shepherds, fly; - Avoid ~Philira~'s Charms; - The Rigour of her Heart denies - The Heaven that's in her Arms. - Ne'er hope to gaze, and then retire, - Nor yielding, to be blest; - Nature, who form'd her Eyes of Fire, - Of Ice compos'd her Breast._ - - II. - - _Yet, lovely Maid, this once believe - A Slave whose Zeal you move; - The Gods, alas! your Youth deceive, - Their Heav'n consists in Love. - In spite of all the Thanks you owe, - You may reproach 'em this; - That where they did their Form bestow, - They have deny'd their Bliss._ - -_Lady Fan._ Well, there may be Faults, _Madamoiselle_, but the Design -is so very obliging, 'twou'd be a matchless Ingratitude in me to -discover 'em. - -Madam. _Ma foy, Madame_, I tink de Gentleman's Song tell you de Trute. -If you never love, you never be happy--Ah--_que l'aime l'amour moy_! - - _Enter Servant with another Letter._ - -_Ser._ Madam, here's another Letter for your Ladyship. - -_Lady Fan._ 'Tis this way I am importun'd every Morning, -_Madamoiselle_. Pray how do the _French_ Ladies when they are thus -_accablées_? - -_Madam._ Matam, dey never complain. _Au contraire_, when one _Frense_ -Laty have got hundred Lover--den she do all she can--to get a hundred -more. - -_Lady Fan._ Well, strike me dead, I think they have _le Gout bon_. For -'tis an unutterable Pleasure to be ador'd by all the Men, and envy'd -by all the Women----Yet I'll swear I'm concern'd at the Torture I give -'em. Lard, why was I form'd to make the whole Creation uneasy! But let -me read my Letter. [_Reads._] - - "If you have a mind to hear of your Faults, instead of being - prais'd for your Virtues, take the pains to walk in the Green-walk - in St. _James_'s with your Woman an Hour hence. You'll there - meet one, who hates you for some things, as he cou'd love - you for others, and therefore is willing to endeavour your - Reformation.----If you come to the Place I mention, you'll know who - I am: If you don't, you never shall: so take your Choice." - -This is strangely familiar, _Madamoiselle_; now have I a provoking -Fancy to know who this impudent Fellow is. - -_Madam._ Den take your Scarf and your Mask, and go to de Rendezvous. De -_Frense_ Laty do _justement comme ça_. - -_Lady Fan._ Rendezvous! What, rendezvous with a Man, _Madamoiselle_! - -Madam. _Eh, pourquoy non?_ - -_Lady Fan._ What, and a Man perhaps I never saw in my Life? - -Madam. _Tant mieux: c'est donc quelque chose de nouveau._ - -_Lady Fan._ Why, how do I know what Designs he may have? He may intend -to ravish me, for aught I know. - -_Madam._ Ravish!--_Bagatelle_. I would fain see one impudent Rogue -ravish _Madamoiselle: Ouy, je le voudrois_. - -_Lady Fan._.O, but my Reputation, _Madamoiselle!_ my Reputation! _Ah ma -chere Reputation!_ - -Madam. _Madame--Quand on la une fois perdue--On n'en est plus -embarassée._ - -_Lady Fan._ Fe, _Madamoiselle_, Fe! Reputation is a Jewel. - -Madam. _Qui coute bien chere, Madame._ - -_Lady Fan._ Why sure you would not sacrifice your Honour to your -Pleasure? - -Madam. _Je suis Philosophe._ - -_Lady Fan._ Bless me, how you talk! Why, what if Honour be a Burden, -_Madamoiselle_, must it not be borne? - -Madam. _Chaqu'un a sa façon--Quand quelque chose m'incommode moy--je -m'en defais vite._ - -_Lady Fan._ Get you gone, you little naughty _French-woman_, you; I vow -and swear I must turn you out of doors, if you talk thus. - -_Madam._ Turn me out of doors!----Turn yourself out of doors, and go -see what de Gentleman have to say to you--_Tenez_. _Voila_ [Giving -her her things hastily.] _vostre Esharpe_, _voila vostre Quoife_, -_voila vostre Masque_, _voila tout_. _Hey_, _Mercure_, _Coquin_: Call -one Chair for Matam, and one oder [_Calling within._] for me: _Va -t'en vite_. [Turning to her Lady, and helping her on hastily with -her things.] _Allons, Madame, depechez vous donc. Mon Dieu, quelles -Scrupules!_ - -_Lady Fan._ Well, for once, _Madamoiselle_, I'll follow your Advice, -out of the intemperate Desire I have to know who this ill-bred Fellow -is. But I have too much _Delicatesse_, to make a Practice on't. - -Madam. _Belle chose vrayment que la Delicatesse, lors qu'il s'agit de -se devertir--à ça--Vous voila equipés, partons.--He bien!--qu'avez vous -donc?_ - -Lady Fan. _J'ay peur._ - -Madam. _Je n'en ay point moy._ - -_Lady Fan._ I dare not go. - -Madam. _Demeurez donc._ - -Lady Fan. _Je suis poltrone._ - -Madam. _Tant pis pour vous._ - -_Lady Fan._ Curiosity's a wicked Devil. - -Madam. _C'est une charmante Sainte._ - -_Lady Fan._ It ruined our first Parents. - -Madam. _Elle a bien diverti leurs Enfans._ - -Lady Fan. _L'Honneur est contre._ - -Madam. _La Plaisir est pour._ - -_Lady Fan._ Must I then go? - -_Madam._ Must you go?--Must you eat, must you drink, must you sleep, -must you live? De Nature bid you do one, de Nature bid you do toder. -_Vous me ferez enrager._ - -_Lady Fan._ But when Reason corrects Nature, _Madamoiselle_---- - -Madam. _Elle est donc bien insolente, c'est sa Sœur aisnée._ - -_Lady Fan._ Do you then prefer your Nature to your Reason, -_Madamoiselle_? - -Madam. _Ouy da._ - -Lady Fan. _Pourquoy?_ - -_Madam._ Because my Nature make me merry, my Reason make me mad. - -Lady Fan. _Ah la mechante Françoise!_ - -Madam. _Ah la belle Angloise!_ - - [_Forcing her Lady off._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ II. - - -+SCENE+, _St. ~James~'s Park_. - - _Enter Lady ~Fancyfull and Madamoiselle~._ - -_Lady Fan._ Well, I vow, _Madamoiselle_, I'm strangely impatient to -know who this confident Fellow is. - - _Enter ~Heartfree~._ - -Look, there's _Heartfree_. But sure it can't be him; he's a profess'd -Woman-hater. Yet who knows what my wicked Eyes may have done? - -Madam. _Il nous approche, Madame._ - -_Lady Fan._ Yes, 'tis he: now will he be most intolerably cavalier, -tho' he should be in love with me. - -_Heart._ Madam, I'm your humble Servant; I perceive you have more -Humility and Good-Nature than I thought you had. - -_Lady Fan._ What you attribute to Humility and Good-Nature, Sir, may -perhaps be only due to Curiosity. I had a mind to know who 'twas had -ill manners enough to write that Letter. - - [_Throwing him his Letter._ - -_Heart._ Well, and now I hope you are satisfy'd. - -_Lady Fan._ I am so, Sir: Good by t'ye. - -_Heart._ Nay, hold there; tho' you have done your Business, I han't -done mine: By your Ladyship's leave, we must have one Moment's Prattle -together. Have you a mind to be the prettiest Woman about Town, or not? -How she stares upon me! What! this passes for an impertinent Question -with you now, because you think you are so already? - -_Lady Fan._ Pray, Sir, let me ask you a Question in my Turn: By what -Right do you pretend to examine me? - -_Heart._ By the same Right that the strong govern the weak, because I -have you in my power; for you cannot get so quickly to your Coach, but -I shall have time enough to make you hear every thing I have to say to -you. - -_Lady Fan._ These are strange Liberties you take, Mr. _Heartfree_. - -_Heart._ They are so, Madam, but there's no help for it; for know that -I have a Design upon you. - -_Lady Fan._ Upon me, Sir! - -_Heart._ Yes; and one that will turn to your Glory, and my Comfort, if -you will but be a little wiser than you use to be. - -_Lady Fan._ Very well, Sir. - -_Heart._ Let me see----Your Vanity, Madam, I take to be about some -eight Degrees higher than any Woman's in the Town, let t'other be who -she will; and my Indifference is naturally about the same Pitch. Now, -could you find the way to turn this Indifference into Fire and Flames, -methinks your Vanity ought to be satisfy'd; and this, perhaps, you -might bring about upon pretty reasonable Terms. - -_Lady Fan._ And pray at what rate would this Indifference be bought -off, if one shou'd have so depraved an Appetite to desire it? - -_Heart._ Why, Madam, to drive a Quaker's Bargain, and make but one word -with you, if I do part with it--you must lay me down--your Affectation. - -_Lady Fan._ My Affectation, Sir! - -_Heart._ Why, I ask you nothing but what you may very well spare. - -_Lady Fan._ You grow rude, Sir. Come, _Madamoiselle_, 'tis high time to -be gone. - -Madam. _Allons, allons, allons._ - -_Heart._ [_Stopping them._] Nay, you may as well stand still; for hear -me you shall, walk which way you please. - -_Lady Fan._ What mean you, Sir? - -_Heart._ I mean to tell you, that you are the most ungrateful Woman -upon Earth. - -_Lady Fan._ Ungrateful! To whom? - -_Heart._ To Nature. - -_Lady Fan._ Why, what has Nature done for me? - -_Heart._ What you have undone by Art! It made you handsome; it gave you -Beauty to a Miracle, a Shape without a Fault, Wit enough to make them -relish, and so turn'd you loose to your own Discretion; which has made -such work with you, that you are become the Pity of our Sex, and the -Jest of your own. There is not a Feature in your Face, but you have -found the way to teach it some affected Convulsion; your Feet, your -Hands, your very Fingers Ends are directed never to move without some -ridiculous Air or other; and your Language is a suitable Trumpet, to -draw people's Eyes upon the Raree-show. - -_Madam._ [aside] _Est ce qu'on fait l'amour en Angleterre comme ça?_ - -_Lady Fan._ [_Aside._] Now cou'd I cry for Madness, but that I know -he'd laugh at me for it. - -_Heart._ Now do you hate me for telling you the Truth, but that's -because you don't believe it is so; for were you once convinc'd of -that, you'd reform for your own sake. But 'tis as hard to persuade a -Woman to quit any thing that makes her ridiculous, as 'tis to prevail -with a Poet to see a Fault in his own Play. - -_Lady Fan._ Every Circumstance of nice Breeding must needs appear -ridiculous to one who has so natural an Antipathy to Good-manners. - -_Heart._ But suppose I could find the means to convince you, that the -whole World is of my Opinion, and that those who flatter and commend -you, do it to no other Intent, but to make you persevere in your Folly, -that they may continue in their Mirth. - -_Lady Fan._ Sir, tho' you and all that World you talk of shou'd be -so impertinently officious, as to think to persuade me I don't know -how to behave myself; I shou'd still have Charity enough for my own -Understanding, to believe myself in the right, and all you in the wrong. - -Madam. _Le voila mort._ - - [_Exeunt Lady ~Fancyfull~ and ~Madamoiselle~._ - -_Heart._ [_Gazing after her._] There her single Clapper has publish'd -the Sense of the whole Sex. Well, this once I have endeavour'd to wash -the Blackamoor white, but henceforward I'll sooner undertake to teach -Sincerity to a Courtier, Generosity to an Usurer, Honesty to a Lawyer, -nay, Humility to a Divine, than Discretion to a Woman I see has once -set her Heart upon playing the Fool. - - _Enter ~Constant~._ - -'Morrow, _Constant_. - -_Const._ Good-morrow, _Jack_! What are you doing here this Morning? - -_Heart._ Doing! Guess, if thou canst.----Why I have been endeavouring -to persuade my Lady _Fancyfull_, that she's the foolishest Woman about -Town. - -_Const._ A pretty Endeavour, truly! - -_Heart._ I have told her in as plain _English_ as I could speak, both -what the Town says of her, and what I think of her. In short, I have -us'd her as an absolute King would do _Magna Charta_. - -_Const._ And how does she take it? - -_Heart._ As Children do Pills; bite them, but can't swallow them. - -_Const._ But, pr'ythee, what has put it into your Head, of all Mankind, -to turn Reformer? - -_Heart._ Why one thing was, the Morning hung upon my Hands, I did not -know what to do with myself; and another was, that as little as I care -for Women, I cou'd not see with Patience one that Heaven had taken -such wondrous Pains about, be so very industrious to make herself the -Jack-pudding of the Creation. - -_Const._ Well, now could I almost wish to see my cruel Mistress make -the self-same Use of what Heaven has done for her, that so I might be -cur'd of a Disease that makes me so very uneasy; for Love, Love is the -Devil, _Heartfree_. - -_Heart._ And why do you let the Devil govern you? - -_Const._ Because I have more Flesh and Blood than Grace and -Self-denial. My dear, dear Mistress! 'S death! that so genteel a Woman -should be a Saint, when Religion's out of Fashion! - -_Heart._ Nay, she's much in the wrong, truly; but who knows how far -Time and good Example may prevail? - -_Const._ O! they have play'd their Parts in vain already: 'Tis now two -Years since that damned Fellow her Husband invited me to his Wedding; -and there was the first time I saw that charming Woman, whom I have -lov'd ever since, more than e'er a Martyr did his Soul; but she is -cold, my Friend, still cold as the Northern Star. - -_Heart._ So are all Women by Nature, which makes them so willing to be -warm'd. - -_Const._ O don't prophane the Sex! Pr'ythee, think them all Angels for -her sake; for she's virtuous even to a Fault. - -_Heart._ A Lover's Head is a good accountable Thing truly; he adores -his Mistress for being virtuous, and yet is very angry with her because -she won't be lewd. - -_Const._ Well, the only Relief I expect in my Misery, is to see thee -some Day or other as deeply engag'd as myself, which will force me to -be merry in the midst of all my Misfortunes. - -_Heart._ That Day will never come, be assur'd, _Ned_. Not but that I -can pass a Night with a Woman, and for the time, perhaps; make myself -as good Sport as you can do. Nay, I can court a Woman too, call her -Nymph, Angel, Goddess, what you please: But here's the Difference -'twixt you and I; I persuade a Woman she's an Angel, and she persuades -you she's one. Pr'ythee, let me tell you how I avoid falling in Love; -that which serves me for Prevention, may chance to serve you for a Cure. - -_Const._ Well, use the Ladies moderately then, and I'll hear you. - -_Heart._ That using them moderately undoes us all; but I'll use them -justly, and that you ought to be satisfied with. I always consider -a Woman, not as the Taylor, the Shoemaker, the Tire-woman, the -Sempstress, and (which is more than all that) the Poet makes her; but I -consider her as pure Nature has contrived her, and that more strictly -than I shou'd have done our old Grandmother _Eve_, had I seen her naked -in the Garden; for I consider her turn'd inside out. Her Heart well -examin'd, I find there Pride, Vanity, Covetousness, Indiscretion, but -above all things, Malice; plots eternally a-forging to destroy one -another's Reputations, and as honestly to charge the Levity of Men's -Tongues with the Scandal; hourly Debates how to make poor Gentlemen -in love with them, with no other Intent but to use them like Dogs -when they have done; a constant Desire of doing more Mischief, and an -everlasting War wag'd against Truth and Good-Nature. - -_Const._ Very well, Sir! An admirable Composition, truly! - -_Heart._ Then for her Outside, I consider it merely as an Outside; -she has a thin Tiffany Covering over just such Stuff as you and I are -made on. As for her Motion, her Mien, her Airs, and all those Tricks, -I know they affect you mightily. If you should see your Mistress at -a Coronation dragging her Peacock's Train, with all her State and -Insolence about her, 'twou'd strike you with all the awful Thoughts -that Heav'n itself could pretend to from you; whereas I turn the whole -Matter into a Jest, and suppose her strutting in the self-same stately -Manner, with nothing on her but her Stays and her under scanty quilted -Petticoat. - -_Const._ Hold thy profane Tongue; for I'll hear no more. - -_Heart._ What, you'll love on, then? - -_Const._ Yes, to Eternity. - -_Heart._ Yet you have no hopes at all? - -_Const._ None. - -_Heart._ Nay, the Resolution may be discreet enough; perhaps you have -found out some new Philosophy, that Love, like Virtue, is its own -Reward: So you and your Mistress will be as well content at a Distance, -as others that have less Learning are in coming together. - -_Const._ No; but if she should prove kind at last, my dear _Heartfree_-- - - [_Embracing him_. - -_Heart._ Nay, pr'ythee, don't take me for your Mistress; for Lovers are -very troublesome. - -_Const._ Well; who knows what Time may do? - -_Heart._ And just now he was sure Time could do nothing. - -_Const._ Yet not one kind Glance in two Years, is somewhat strange. - -_Heart._ Not strange at all; she don't like you, that's all the -Business. - -_Const._ Pr'ythee, don't distract me. - -_Heart._ Nay, you are a good handsome young Fellow, she might use you -better: Come, will you go see her? Perhaps she may have chang'd her -Mind; there's some Hopes as long as she's a Woman. - -_Const._ O, 'tis in vain to visit her! Sometimes to get a Sight of her, -I visit that Beast her Husband; but she certainly finds some Pretence -to quit the Room as soon as I enter. - -_Heart._ 'Tis much she don't tell him you have made Love to her too; -for that's another good-natur'd thing usual amongst Women, in which -they have several Ends. Sometimes 'tis to recommend their Virtue, that -they may be lewd with the greater Security. Sometimes 'tis to make -their Husbands fight, in hopes they may be kill'd, when their Affairs -require it should be so: but most commonly 'tis to engage two Men in -a Quarrel, that they may have the Credit of being fought for; and if -the Lover's kill'd in the Business, they cry, _Poor Fellow, he had ill -Luck_----and so they go to Cards. - -_Const._ Thy Injuries to Women are not to be forgiven. Look to't, if -ever thou dost fall into their Hands---- - -_Heart._ They can't use me worse than they do you, that speak well of -'em. O ho! here comes the Knight. - - _Enter Sir ~John Brute~._ - -_Heart._ Your humble Servant, Sir _John_. - -_Sir John._ Servant, Sir. - -_Heart._ How does all your Family? - -_Sir John._ Pox o' my Family! - -_Const._ How does your Lady? I han't seen her abroad a good while. - -_Sir John._ Do! I don't know how she does, not I; she was well enough -Yesterday; I han't been at home to-night. - -_Const._ What, were you out of Town? - -_Sir John._ Out of Town! No, I was drinking. - -_Const._ You are a true _Englishman_; don't know your own Happiness. If -I were married to such a Woman, I would not be from her a Night for all -the Wine in _France_. - -_Sir John._ Not from her!----'Oons----what a time should a Man have of -that! - -_Heart._ Why, there's no Division, I hope. - -_Sir John._ No; but there's a Conjunction, and that's worse; a Pox of -the Parson----Why the plague don't you two marry? I fancy I look like -the Devil to you. - -_Heart._ Why, you don't think you have Horns, do you? - -_Sir John._ No, I believe my Wife's Religion will keep her honest. - -_Heart._ And what will make her keep her Religion? - -_Sir John._ Persecution; and therefore she shall have it. - -_Heart._ Have a care, Knight! Women are tender things. - -_Sir John._ And yet, methinks, 'tis a hard Matter to break their Hearts. - -_Const._ Fy, fy! You have one of the best Wives in the World, and yet -you seem the most uneasy Husband. - -_Sir John._ Best Wives! The Woman's well enough; she has no Vice that -I know of, but she's a Wife, and--damn a Wife! If I were married to a -Hogshead of Claret, Matrimony would make me hate it. - -_Heart._ Why did you marry, then? You were old enough to know your own -Mind. - -_Sir John._ Why did I marry? I married because I had a mind to lie with -her, and she would not let me. - -_Heart._ Why did you not ravish her? - -_Sir John._ Yes, and so have hedg'd myself into forty Quarrels with her -Relations, besides buying my pardon: But more than all that, you must -know, I was afraid of being damn'd in those days: For I kept sneaking, -cowardly Company, Fellows that went to Church, said Grace to their -Meat, and had not the least Tincture of Quality about them. - -_Heart._ But I think you are got into a better Gang now? - -_Sir John._ Zoons, Sir, my Lord _Rake_ and I are Hand and Glove: I -believe we may get our Bones broke together to-night; have you a mind -to share a Frolick? - -_Const._ Not I, truly; my Talent lies to softer Exercises. - -_Sir John._ What, a Down-Bed and a Strumpet? A pox of Venery, I say. -Will you come and drink with me this Afternoon? - -_Const._ I can't drink to-day, but we'll come and sit an Hour with you, -if you will. - -_Sir John._ Phugh, Pox, sit an Hour! Why can't you drink? - -_Const._ Because I'm to see my Mistress. - -_Sir John._ Who's that? - -_Const._ Why, do you use to tell? - -_Sir John._ Yes. - -_Const._ So won't I. - -_Sir John._ Why? - -_Const._ Because 'tis a Secret. - -_Sir John._ Would my Wife knew it, 'twould be no Secret long. - -_Const._ Why, do you think she can't keep a Secret? - -_Sir John._ No more than she can keep _Lent_. - -_Heart._ Pr'ythee, tell it her to try, _Constant_. - -_Sir John._ No, pr'ythee, don't, that I mayn't be plagu'd with it. - -_Const._ I'll hold you a Guinea you don't make her tell it you. - -_Sir John._ I'll hold you a Guinea I do. - -_Const._ Which way? - -_Sir John._ Why, I'll beg her not to tell it me. - -_Heart._ Nay, if any thing does it, that will. - -_Const._ But do you think, Sir---- - -_Sir John._ Oons, Sir, I think a Woman and a Secret are the two -impertinentest Themes in the Universe: Therefore pray let's hear no -more of my Wife, nor your Mistress. Damn 'em both with all my heart, -and every thing else that daggles a Petticoat, except four generous -Whores, with _Betty Sands_ at the Head of 'em, who are drunk with my -Lord _Rake_ and I ten times in a Fortnight. - - [_Exit ~Sir John~._ - -_Const._ Here's a dainty Fellow for you! And the veriest Coward too. -But his Usage of his Wife makes me ready to stab the Villain. - -_Heart._ Lovers are short-sighted: All their Senses run into that of -Feeling. This Proceeding of his is the only thing on Earth can make -your Fortune. If any thing can prevail with her to accept of a Gallant, -'tis his ill Usage of her; for Women will do more for Revenge, than -they'll do for the Gospel. Pr'ythee, take heart, I have great hopes for -you: And since I can't bring you quite off of her, I'll endeavour to -bring you quite on; for a whining Lover is the damn'dest Companion upon -Earth. - -_Const._ My dear Friend, flatter me a little more with these Hopes; for -whilst they prevail, I have Heaven within me, and could melt with Joy. - -_Heart._ Pray, no melting yet; let things go farther first. This -afternoon, perhaps, we shall make some advance. In the mean while, -let's go dine at _Locket_'s, and let Hope get you a Stomach. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _Lady_ Fancyfull's _House_. - - _Enter Lady ~Fancyfull~ and ~Madamoiselle~._ - -_Lady Fan._ Did you ever see any thing so _importune, Madamoiselle_? - -_Madam._ Inteed, Matam, to say de trute, he want leetel Good-breeding. - -_Lady Fan._ Good-breeding! He wants to be caned, _Madamoiselle_: an -insolent Fellow! And yet let me expose my Weakness, 'tis the only Man -on Earth I cou'd resolve to dispense my Favours on, were he but a -fine Gentleman. Well! did Men but know how deep an Impression a fine -Gentleman makes in a Lady's Heart, they would reduce all their Studies -to that of Good-breeding alone. - - _Enter ~Cornet~._ - -_Cor._ Madam, here's Mr. _Treble_. He has brought home the Verses your -Ladyship made, and gave him to set. - -_Lady Fan._ O let him come in by all means. Now _Madamoiselle_, am I -going to be unspeakably happy. - - _Enter ~Treble~._ - -So, Mr. _Treble_, you have set my little Dialogue? - -_Treb._ Yes, Madam, and I hope your Ladyship will be pleased with it. - -_Lady Fan._ O, no doubt on't; for really, Mr. _Treble_, you set all -things to a wonder: But your Musick is in particular heavenly, when you -have my Words to clothe in't. - -_Treb._ Your Words themselves, Madam, have so much Musick in 'em, they -inspire me. - -_Lady Fan._ Nay, now you make me blush, Mr. _Treble_; but pray let's -hear what you have done. - -_Treb._ You shall, Madam. - -A SONG, to be sung between a Man and a Woman. - - M. _Ah lovely Nymph, the World's on fire; - Veil, veil those cruel Eyes_: - - W. _The World may then in Flames expire, - And boast that so it dies_. - - M. _But when all Mortals are destroy'd, - Who then shall sing your Praise?_ - - W. _Those who are fit to be employ'd: - The Gods shall Altars raise_. - -_Treb._ How does your Ladyship like it, Madam? - -_Lady Fan._ Rapture, Rapture, Mr. _Treble_! I'm all Rapture! O Wit and -Art, what Power have you when join'd! I must needs tell you the Birth -of this little Dialogue, Mr. _Treble_. Its Father was a Dream, and its -Mother was the Moon. I dream'd that by an unanimous Vote, I was chosen -Queen of that pale World; and that the first time I appear'd upon my -Throne----all my Subjects fell in love with me. Just then I wak'd, -and seeing Pen, Ink and Paper lie idle upon the Table, I slid into my -Morning-Gown, and writ this _impromptu_. - -_Treb._ So I guess the Dialogue, Madam, is suppos'd to be between your -Majesty and your first Minister of State. - -_Lady Fan._ Just: He, as Minister, advises me to trouble my Head -about the Welfare of my Subjects; which I, as Sovereign, find a very -impertinent Proposal. But is the Town so dull, Mr. _Treble_, it affords -us never another new Song? - -_Treb._ Madam, I have one in my Pocket, came out but Yesterday, if your -Ladyship pleases to let Mrs. _Pipe_ sing it. - -_Lady Fan._ By all means. Here, _Pipe_, make what Musick you can of -this Song, here. - - SONG. - - I. - - _Not an Angel dwells above, - Half so fair as her I love. - Heaven knows, how she'll receive me; - If she smiles, I'm blest indeed; - If she frowns, I'm quickly freed; - Heaven knows she ne'er can grieve me._ - - II. - - _None can love her more than I, - Yet she ne'er shall make me die. - If my Flame can never warm her, - Lasting Beauty I'll adore; - I shall never love her more, - Cruelty will so deform her._ - -_Lady Fan._ Very well: This is _Heartfree_'s Poetry without question. - -_Treb._ Won't your Ladyship please to sing yourself this Morning? - -_Lady Fan._ O Lord, Mr. _Treble_, my Cold is still so barbarous to -refuse me that Pleasure! He, he, hem. - -_Treb._ I'm very sorry for it, Madam: Methinks all Mankind should turn -Physicians for the Cure on't. - -_Lady Fan._ Why, truly, to give Mankind their due, there's few that -know me but have offer'd their Remedy. - -_Treb._ They have reason, Madam; for I know no body sings so near a -Cherubim as your Ladyship. - -_Lady Fan._ What I do, I owe chiefly to your Skill and Care, Mr. -_Treble_. People do flatter me, indeed, that I have a Voice, and a -_Je-ne-sçai-quoy_ in the Conduct of it, that will make Musick of any -thing. And truly I begin to believe so, since what happen'd t'other -Night: Wou'd you think it, Mr. _Treble_? Walking pretty late in the -Park, (for I often walk late in the Park, Mr _Treble_) a Whim took me -to sing _Chevy Chase_; and, wou'd you believe it? next Morning I had -three Copies of Verses, and six Billet-doux at my Levée upon it. - -_Treb._ And without all dispute you deserv'd as many more, Madam. Are -there any further Commands for your Ladyship's humble Servant? - -_Lady Fan._ Nothing more at this Time, Mr. _Treble_. But I shall expect -you here every Morning for this Month, to sing my little Matter there -to me. I'll reward you for your Pains. - -_Treb._ O Lord, Madam---- - -_Lady Fan._ Good-morrow, sweet Mr. _Treble_. - -_Treb._ Your Ladyship's most obedient Servant. - - [_Exit ~Treb~._ - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Serv._ Will your Ladyship please to dine yet? - -_Lady Fan._ Yes, let 'em serve. [_Exit Servant._] Sure this _Heartfree_ -has bewitch'd me, _Madamoiselle_. You can't imagine how oddly he -mixt himself in my Thoughts during my Rapture e'en now. I vow 'tis a -thousand Pities he is not more polish'd: Don't you think so? - -_Madam._ Matam, I tink it so great pity, dat if I was in your Ladyship -place, I take him home in my House, I lock him up in my Closet, and I -never let him go till I teach him every ting dat fine Laty expect from -fine Gentelman. - -_Lady Fan._ Why, truly, I believe I shou'd soon subdue his Brutality; -for without doubt, he has a strange _Penchant_ to grow fond of me, -in spite of his Aversion to the Sex, else he wou'd ne'er have taken -so much Pains about me. Lord, how proud wou'd some poor Creatures be -of such a Conquest! But I, alas! I don't know how to receive as a -Favour what I take to be so infinitely my Due. But what shall I do to -new-mould him, _Madamoiselle_? for till then he's my utter Aversion. - -_Madam._ Matam; you must laugh at him in all de place dat you meet him, -and turn into de reticule all he say, and all he do. - -_Lady Fan._ Why, truly, Satire has ever been of wondrous use to reform -Ill-manners. Besides, 'tis my particular Talent to ridicule Folks. I -can be severe, strangely severe, when I will, _Madamoiselle_----Give me -the Pen and Ink----I find myself whimsical----I'll write to him----Or -I'll let it alone, and be severe upon him that way [_Sitting down to -write, rising up again._]--Yet Active Severity is better than Passive. -[_Sitting down._]----'Tis as good let it alone, too; for every Lash I -give him, perhaps, he'll take for a Favour. [_Rising._]----Yet 'tis -a thousand pities so much Satire should be lost. [_Sitting._]---- -But if it shou'd have a wrong Effect upon him, 'twould distract me. -[_Rising._]----Well, I must write, tho', after all, [_Sitting._]----Or -I'll let it alone, which is the same thing. [_Rising._] - -Madam. _La voilà determinée._ - - [_Exeunt._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ III. - - -+SCENE+ _opens; Sir ~John~, Lady ~Brute~ and ~Belinda~ rising from the -Table._ - -_Sir John._ Here, take away the Things; I expect Company. But first -bring me a Pipe; I'll smoak. - - [_To a Servant._ - -_Lady Brute._ Lord, Sir _John_, I wonder you won't leave that nasty -Custom. - -_Sir John._ Pr'ythee, don't be impertinent. - -_Bel._ [_To Lady ~Brute~._] I wonder who those People are he expects -this Afternoon? - -_Lady Brute._ I'd give the World to know: Perhaps 'tis _Constant_--he -comes here sometimes: if it does prove him, I'm resolv'd I'll share the -Visit. - -_Bel._ We'll send for our Work, and sit here. - -_Lady Brute._ He'll choak us with his Tobacco. - -_Bel._ Nothing will choak us when we are doing what we have a mind to. -_Lovewell!_ - - _Enter ~Lovewell~._ - -_Lov._ Madam. - -_Lady Brute._ Here; bring my Cousin's Work and mine hither. - - [_Exit ~Lov~. and re-enters with their Work._ - -_Sir John._ Whu! Pox, can't you work somewhere else? - -_Lady Brute._ We shall be careful not to disturb you, Sir. - -_Bel._ Your Pipe would make you too thoughtful, Uncle, if you were left -alone; our Prittle-prattle will cure your Spleen. - -_Sir John._ Will it so, Mrs. Pert? Now I believe it will so increase -it, [_Sitting and smoaking._] I shall take my own House for a -Paper-mill. - -_Lady Brute._ [_To ~Bel~. aside._] Don't let's mind him; let him say -what he will. - -_Sir John._ A Woman's Tongue a Cure for the Spleen!--Oons--[_Aside._] -If a Man had got the Head-ach, they'd be for applying the same Remedy. - -_Lady Brute._ You have done a great deal, _Belinda_, since yesterday. - -_Bel._ Yes, I have work'd very hard; how do you like it? - -_Lady Brute._ O, 'tis the prettiest Fringe in the World. Well, Cousin, -you have the happiest Fancy: Pr'ythee, advise me about altering my -Crimson Petticoat. - -_Sir John._ A Pox o' your Petticoat! Here's such a Prating, a Man can't -digest his own Thoughts for you. - -_Lady Brute._ Don't answer him. [_Aside._] Well, what do you advise me? - -_Bel._ Why, really, I would not alter it at all. Methinks 'tis very -pretty as it is. - -_Lady Brute._ Ay, that's, true: But you know one grows weary of the -prettiest things in the World, when one has had 'em long. - -_Sir John._ Yes, I have taught her that. - -_Bel._ Shall we provoke him a little? - -_Lady Brute._ With all my Heart. _Belinda_, don't you long to be -marry'd? - -_Bel._ Why, there are some things in it I could like well enough. - -_Lady Brute._ What do you think you shou'd dislike? - -_Bel._ My Husband, a hundred to one else. - -_Lady Brute._ O ye wicked Wretch! Sure you don't speak as you think? - -_Bel._ Yes, I do: especially if he smoak'd Tobacco. - - [_He looks earnestly at 'em._ - -_Lady Brute._ Why, that many times takes off worse Smells. - -_Bel._ Then he must smell very ill indeed. - -_Lady Brute._ So some Men will, to keep their Wives from coming near -'em. - -_Bel._ Then those Wives shou'd cuckold 'em at a distance. - -_He rises in a Fury, throws his Pipe at 'em, and drives 'em out. As -they run off, ~Constant~ and ~Heartfree~ enter. Lady ~Brute~ runs -against ~Constant~._ - -_Sir John._. 'Oons, get you gone up Stairs, you confederating Strumpets -you, o I'll cuckold you, with a Vengeance! - -_Lady Brute._ O Lord, he'll beat us, he'll beat us. Dear, dear Mr. -_Constant_, save us! - - [_Exeunt._ - -_Sir John._ I'll cuckold you, with a Pox. - -_Const._ Heav'n! Sir _John_, what's the matter? - -_Sir John._ Sure, if Women had been ready created, the Devil, instead -of being kick'd down into Hell, had been marry'd. - -_Heart._ Why, what new Plague have you found now? - -_Sir John._ Why, these two Gentlewomen did but hear me say, I expected -you here this Afternoon; upon which they presently resolv'd to take up -the Room, o' purpose to plague me and my Friends. - -_Const._ Was that all? Why, we shou'd have been glad of their Company. - -_Sir John._ Then I should have been weary of yours; for I can't relish -both together. They found fault with my smoaking Tobacco, too; and said -Men stunk. But I have a good mind--to say something. - -_Const._ No, nothing against the Ladies, pray. - -_Sir John._ Split the Ladies! Come, will you sit down? Give us some -Wine, Fellow: You won't smoak? - -_Const._. No; nor drink, neither, at this time--I must ask your Pardon. - -_Sir John._ What, this Mistress of yours runs in your Head! I'll -warrant it's some such squeamish Minx as my Wife, that's grown so -dainty of late, she finds fault even with a dirty Shirt. - -_Heart._ That a Woman may do, and not be very dainty, neither. - -_Sir John._ Pox o' the Women! let's drink. Come, you shall take one -Glass, tho' I send for a Box of Lozenges to sweeten your Mouth after it. - -_Const._ Nay, if one Glass will satisfy you, I'll drink it, without -putting you to that Expence. - -_Sir John._ Why, that's honest. Fill some Wine, Sirrah: So here's to -you, Gentlemen--A Wife's the Devil. To your being both married. - - [_They drink._ - -_Heart._ O, your most humble Servant, Sir. - -_Sir John._ Well, how do you like my Wine? - -_Const._ 'Tis very good, indeed. - -_Heart._ 'Tis admirable. - -_Sir John._ Then give us t'other Glass. - -_Const._ No, pray excuse us now: We'll come another time, and then we -won't spare it. - -_Sir John._ This one Glass, and no more: Come, it shall be your -Mistress's Health: And that's a great Compliment from me, I assure you. - -_Const._ And 'tis a very obliging one to me: So give us the Glasses. - -_Sir John._ So: let her live-- - - [_Sir ~John~ coughs in the Glass._ - -_Heart._ And be kind. - -_Const._ What's the matter? Does it go the wrong way? - -_Sir John._ If I had Love enough to be jealous, I shou'd take this for -an ill Omen: For I never drank my Wife's Health in my Life, but I puk'd -in the Glass. - -_Const._ O, she's too virtuous to make a reasonable Man jealous. - -_Sir John._ Pox of her Virtue! If I cou'd but catch her Adulterating, I -might be divorc'd from her by Law. - -_Heart._ And so pay her a yearly Pension, to be a distinguish'd Cuckold. - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Serv._ Sir, there's my Lord _Rake_, Colonel _Bully_, and some other -Gentlemen at the _Blue-Posts_, desire your Company. - -_Sir John._ Cod's so, we are to consult about playing the Devil -to-night. - -_Heart._ Well, we won't hinder Business. - -_Sir John._ Methinks I don't know how to leave you, tho': But for once -I must make bold. Or look you; may be the Conference mayn't last long: -So, if you'll wait here half an hour, or an hour; if I don't come -then--why, then--I won't come at all. - -_Heart._ [_To ~Const~._] A good modest Proposition, truly! - - [_Aside._ - -_Const._ But let's accept on't, however. Who knows what may happen? - -_Heart._ Well, Sir, to shew you how fond we are of your Company, we'll -expect your Return as long as we can. - -_Sir John._ Nay, may be I mayn't stay at all. But Business, you know, -must be done. So your Servant--Or hark you, if you have a mind to -take a Frisk with us, I have an Interest with my Lord; I can easily -introduce you. - -_Const._ We are much beholden to you; but for my part, I'm engag'd -another way. - -_Sir John._ What! to your Mistress, I'll warrant. Pr'ythee, leave your -nasty Punk to entertain herself with her own lewd Thoughts, and make -one with us to-night. - -_Const._ Sir, 'tis Business that is to employ me. - -_Heart._ And me; and Business must be done, you know. - -_Sir John._ Ay, Women's Business, tho' the World were consum'd for't. - - [_Exit Sir ~John~._ - -_Const._ Farewel, Beast! And now, my dear Friend, would my Mistress -be but as complaisant as some Men's Wives, who think it a piece of -good Breeding to receive the Visits of their Husband's Friends in his -Absence! - -_Heart._ Why, for your sake I could forgive her, tho' she should be -so complaisant to receive something else in his Absence. But what way -shall we invent to see her? - -_Const._ O, ne'er hope it: Invention will prove as vain as Wishes. - - _Enter Lady ~Brute~ and ~Belinda~._ - -_Heart._ What do you think now, Friend? - -_Const._ I think I shall swoon. - -_Heart._ I'll speak first, then, whilst you fetch breath. - -_Lady Brute._ We think ourselves oblig'd, Gentlemen, to come and return -you thanks for your Knight-Errantry. We were just upon being devour'd -by the fiery Dragon. - -_Bel._ Did not his Fumes almost knock you down, Gentlemen? - -_Heart._ Truly, Ladies, we did undergo some Hardships; and should have -done more, if some greater Heroes than ourselves, hard by, had not -diverted him. - -_Const._ Tho' I'm glad of the Service you are pleas'd to say we have -done you, yet I'm sorry we could do it in no other way, than by making -ourselves privy to what you would perhaps have kept a Secret. - -_Lady Brute._ For Sir _John_'s part, I suppose he design'd it no -Secret, since he made so much Noise. And for myself, truly I'm not -much concern'd, since 'tis fallen only into this Gentleman's Hands and -yours; who, I have many Reasons to believe, will neither interpret nor -report any thing to my disadvantage. - -_Const._ Your good Opinion, Madam, was what I fear'd I never could have -merited. - -_Lady Brute._ Your Fears were vain, then, Sir; for I'm just to every -body. - -_Heart._ Pr'ythee, _Constant_, what is't you do to get the Ladies good -Opinions? for I'm a Novice at it. - -_Bel._ Sir, will you give me leave to instruct you? - -_Heart._ Yes, that I will, with all my Soul, Madam. - -_Bel._ Why, then, you must never be slovenly, never be out of humour, -fare well and cry Roast-meat, smoak Tobacco, nor drink but when you are -dry. - -_Heart._ That's hard. - -_Const._ Nay, if you take his Bottle from him, you break his Heart, -Madam. - -_Bel._ Why, is it possible the Gentleman can love Drinking? - -_Heart._ Only by way of Antidote. - -_Bel._ Against what, pray? - -_Heart._ Against Love, Madam. - -_Lady Brute._ Are you afraid of being in Love, Sir? - -_Heart._ I should, if there were any Danger of it. - -_Lady Brute._ Pray why so? - -_Heart._ Because I always had an Aversion to being us'd like a Dog. - -_Bel._ Why, truly, Men in Love are seldom us'd better. - -_Lady Brute._ But was you never in Love, Sir? - -_Heart._ No, I thank Heav'n, Madam. - -_Bel._ Pray, where got you your Learning, then? - -_Heart._ From other People's Expence. - -_Bel._ That's being a Spunger, Sir, which is scarce honest: If you'd -buy some Experience with your own Money, as 'twould be fairlier got, so -'twould stick longer by you. - - _Enter Footman._ - -_Foot._ Madam, here's my Lady _Fancyfull_, to wait upon your Ladyship. - -_Lady Brute._ Shield me, kind Heaven! What an Inundation of -Impertinence is here coming upon us! - - _Enter Lady ~Fancyfull~, who runs first to Lady ~Brute~, - then to ~Belinda~, kissing 'em._ - -_Lady Fan._ My dear Lady _Brute_, and sweet _Belinda_, methinks 'tis an -Age since I saw you. - -_Lady Brute._ Yet 'tis but three Days; sure you have pass'd your time -very ill, it seems so long to you. - -_Lady Fan._ Why, really, to confess the truth to you, I am so -everlastingly fatigu'd with the Addresses of unfortunate Gentlemen, -that, were it not for the Extravagancy of the Example, I shou'd e'en -tear out these wicked Eyes with my own Fingers, to make both myself and -Mankind easy. What think you on't, Mr. _Heartfree_, for I take you to -be my faithful Adviser? - -_Heart._ Why, truly, Madam--I think--every Project that is for the good -of Mankind ought to be encourag'd. - -_Lady Fan._ Then I have your Consent, Sir? - -_Heart._ To do whatever you please, Madam. - -_Lady Fan._ You had a much more limited Complaisance this Morning, -Sir. Would you believe it, Ladies? The Gentleman has been so exceeding -generous, to tell me of above fifty Faults, in less time than it was -well possible for me to commit two of 'em. - -_Const._ Why, truly, Madam, my Friend there is apt to be something -familiar with the Ladies. - -_Lady Fan._ He is, indeed, Sir; but he's wondrous charitable with -it: He has had the Goodness to design a Reformation, even down to my -Fingers-ends.----'Twas thus, I think, Sir, [_Opening her fingers in an -aukward manner._] you'd have had 'em stand--My Eyes, too, he did not -like: How was't you wou'd have directed 'em? Thus, I think. [_Staring -at him._]--Then there was something amiss in my Gait, too: I don't know -well how 'twas; but as I take it, he would have had me walk like him. -Pray, Sir, do me the Favour to take a turn or two about the Room, that -the Company may see you.--He's sullen, Ladies, and won't. But, to make -short, and give you as true an Idea as I can of the matter, I think -'twas much about this Figure, in general, he would have moulded me to: -But I was an obstinate Woman, and could not resolve to make myself -Mistress of his Heart, by growing as aukward as his Fancy. - - [_She walks aukwardly about, staring and looking ungainly, - then changes on a sudden to the Extremity of her - usual Affectation._ - -_Heart._. Just thus Women do, when they think we are in love with em, -or when they are so with us. - - [_Here ~Constant~ and Lady ~Brute~ talk together apart._ - -_Lady Fan._ 'Twould, however, be less Vanity for me to conclude the -former, than you the latter, Sir. - -_Heart._. Madam, all I shall presume to conclude, is, That if I wer in -love, you'd find the means to make me soon weary on't. - -_Lady Fan._ Not by Over-fondness, upon my Word, Sir. But pray let's -stop here; for you are so much govern'd by Instinct, I know you'll grow -brutish at last. - -_Bel._ [_Aside._] Now am I sure she's fond of him: I'll try to make her -jealous. Well, for my part, I should be glad to find somebody would be -so free with me, that I might know my Faults, and mend 'em. - -_Lady Fan._ Then pray let me recommend this Gentleman to you: I -have known him some time, and will be Surety for him, that upon a -very limited Encouragement on your side, you shall find an extended -Impudence on his. - -_Heart._ I thank you, Madam, for your Recommendation: But hating -Idleness, I'm unwilling to enter into a Place where I believe there -would be nothing to do. I was fond of serving your Ladyship, because I -knew you'd find me constant Employment. - -_Lady Fan._ I told you he'd be rude, _Belinda_. - -_Bel._ O, a little Bluntness is a sign of Honesty, which makes me -always ready to pardon it. So, Sir, if you have no other Exceptions to -my Service, but the fear of being idle in it, you may venture to lift -yourself: I shall find you Work, I warrant you. - -_Heart._ Upon those Terms I engage, Madam; and this (with your leave) I -take for Earnest. - - [_Offering to kiss her Hand._ - -_Bel._ Hold there, Sir; I'm none of your Earnest-givers. But if I'm -well serv'd, I give good Wages, and pay punctually. - - [_~Heartf~. and ~Bel~. seem to continue talking familiarly._ - -_Lady Fan._ [_Aside._] I don't like this jesting between 'em--Methinks -the Fool begins to look as if he were in earnest.----But then he must -be a Fool, indeed.----Lard, what a Difference there is between me and -her! [_Looking at ~Bel~. scornfully._] How I shou'd despise such a -Thing, if I were a Man!----What a Nose she has!--What a Chin----What -a Neck!----Then her Eyes----And the worst kissing Lips in the -Universe----No, no, he can never like her, that's positive----Yet I -can't suffer 'em together any longer. Mr. _Heartfree_, do you know that -you and I must have no Quarrel for all this? I can't forbear being a -little severe now and then: But Women, you know, may be allowed any -thing. - -_Heart._ Up to a certain Age, Madam. - -_Lady Fan._ Which I'm not yet past, I hope. - -_Heart._ [_Aside._] Nor never will, I dare swear. - -_Lady Fan._ [_To Lady ~Brute~._] Come, Madam, will your Ladyship be -Witness to our Reconciliation? - -_Lady Brute._ You agree, then, at last? - -_Heart._ [_Slightingly._] We forgive. - -_Lady Fan._ [_Aside._] That was a cold, ill-natur'd Reply. - -_Lady Brute._ Then there's no Challenges sent between you? - -_Heart._ Not from me, I promise. [_Aside to ~Constant~._] But that's -more than I'll do for her; for I know she can as well be damn'd as -forbear writing to me. - -_Const._ That I believe. But I think we had best be going, lest she -should suspect something, and be malicious. - -_Heart._ With all my heart. - -_Const._ Ladies, we are your humble Servants. I see Sir _John_ is quite -engag'd, 'twould be in vain to expect him. Come, _Heartfree_. - - [_Exit._ - -_Heart._ Ladies, your Servant. [_To ~Belinda~._] I hope, Madam, you -won't forget our Bargain; I'm to say what I please to you. - - [_Exit ~Heartfree~._ - -_Bel._ Liberty of Speech entire, Sir. - -_Lady Fan._ [_Aside._] Very pretty truly--But how the Blockhead went -out--languishing at her, and not a Look toward me!--Well, Churchmen may -talk, but Miracles are not ceas'd. For 'tis more than natural, such -a rude Fellow as he, and such a little Impertinent as she, should be -capable of making a Woman of my Sphere uneasy. But I can bear her sight -no longer----methinks she's grown ten times uglier than _Cornet_. I -must home, and study Revenge. [_To Lady ~Brute~._] Madam, your humble -Servant; I must take my leave. - -_Lady Brute._ What, going already, Madam? - -_Lady Fan._ I must beg you'll excuse me this once; for really I have -eighteen Visits to return this Afternoon: So you see I'm importun'd by -the Women as well as the Men. - -_Bel._ [_Aside._] And she's quits with them both. - -_Lady Fan._ [_Going._] Nay, you shan't go one Step out of the Room. - -_Lady Brute._ Indeed I'll wait upon you down. - -_Lady Fan._ No, sweet Lady _Brute_, you know I swoon at Ceremony. - -_Lady Brute._ Pray give me leave. - -_Lady Fan._ You know I won't. - -_Lady Brute._ Indeed I must. - -_Lady Fan._ Indeed you shan't. - -_Lady Brute._ Indeed I will. - -_Lady Fan._. Indeed you shan't. - -_Lady Brute._ Indeed I will. - -_Lady Fan._ Indeed you shan't. Indeed, indeed, indeed you shan't. - - [_Exit Lady ~Fan~. running; they follow._ - - _Re-enter Lady ~Brute~ sola._ - -This impertinent Woman has put me out of Humour for a Fortnight----What -an agreeable Moment has her foolish Visit interrupted! Lord, how like -a Torrent Love flows into the Heart, when once the Sluice of Desire is -open'd! Good Gods! What a Pleasure there is in doing what we should not -do! - - _Re-enter ~Constant~._ - -Ha! here again? - -_Const._ Tho' the renewing my Visit may seem a little irregular, I hope -I shall obtain your Pardon for it, Madam, when you know I only left the -Room, lest the Lady who was here should have been as malicious in her -Remarks as she's foolish in her Conduct. - -_Lady Brute._ He who has Discretion enough to be tender of a Woman's -Reputation, carries a Virtue about him may atone for a great many -Faults. - -_Const._ If it has a Title to atone for any, its Pretensions must needs -be strongest where the Crime is Love. I therefore hope I shall be -forgiven the Attempt I have made upon your Heart, since my Enterprize -has been a Secret to all the World but yourself. - -_Lady Brute._ Secrecy, indeed, in Sins of this kind, is an Argument -of weight to lessen the Punishment; but nothing's a Plea for a Pardon -entire, without a sincere Repentance. - -_Const._ If Sincerity in Repentance consists in Sorrow for offending, -no Cloyster ever inclos'd so true a Penitent as I should be. But I hope -it cannot be reckon'd an Offence to love where 'tis a Duty to adore. - -_Lady Brute._ 'Tis an Offence, a great one, where it would rob a Woman -of all she ought to be ador'd for--her Virtue. - -_Const._ Virtue?--Virtue, alas! is no more like the thing that's -call'd so, than 'tis like Vice itself. Virtue consists in Goodness, -Honour, Gratitude, Sincerity, and Pity; and not in peevish, snarling, -strait-lac'd Chastity. True Virtue, wheresoever it moves, still carries -an intrinsick Worth about it, and is in every Place, and in each Sex, -of equal Value. So is not Continence, you see: That Phantom of Honour, -which Men in every Age have so contemned, they have thrown it amongst -the Women to scrabble for. - -_Lady Brute._ If it be a thing of so little Value, why do you so -earnestly recommend it to your Wives and Daughters? - -_Const._ We recommend it to our Wives, Madam, because we wou'd keep 'em -to ourselves; and to our Daughters, because we wou'd dispose of 'em to -others. - -_Lady Brute._ 'Tis then, of some Importance, it seems, since you can't -dispose of them without it. - -_Const._ That Importance, Madam, lies in the Humour of the Country, not -in the Nature of the Thing. - -_Lady Brute._ How do you prove that, Sir? - -_Const._ From the Wisdom of a neighbouring Nation in a contrary -Practice. In Monarchies, things go by Whimsy; but Commonwealths weigh -all things in the Scale of Reason. - -_Lady Brute._ I hope we are not so very light a People, to bring up -Fashions without some ground. - -_Const._ Pray what does your Ladyship think of a powder'd Coat for deep -Mourning? - -_Lady Brute._ I think, Sir, your Sophistry has all the effect that you -can reasonably expect it should have; it puzzles, but don't convince. - -_Const._ I'm sorry for it. - -_Lady Brute._ I'm sorry to hear you say so. - -_Const._ Pray why? - -_Lady Brute._ Because, if you expected more from it, you have a worse -Opinion of my Understanding than I desire you should have. - -_Const._ [_Aside._] I comprehend her: She would have me set a Value -upon her Chastity, that I might think myself the more oblig'd to her -when she makes me a Present of it. [_To her._] I beg you will believe I -did but rally, Madam; I know you judge too well of Right and Wrong, to -be deceiv'd by Arguments like those. I hope you'll have so favourable -an Opinion of my Understanding too, to believe the thing call'd Virtue -has Worth enough with me, to pass for an eternal Obligation where'er -'tis sacrific'd. - -_Lady Brute._ It is, I think, so great a one as nothing can repay. - -_Const._ Yes; the making the Man you love your everlasting Debtor. - -_Lady Brute._ When Debtors once have borrow'd all we have to lend, they -are very apt to grow shy of their Creditors' Company. - -_Const._ That, Madam, is only when they are forc'd to borrow of -Usurers, and not of a generous Friend. Let us choose our Creditors, and -we are seldom so ungrateful to shun 'em. - -_Lady Brute._ What think you of Sir _John_, Sir? I was his free Choice. - -_Const._ I think he's married, Madam. - -_Lady Brute._ Does Marriage, then, exclude Men from your Rule of -Constancy? - -_Const._ It does. Constancy's a brave, free, haughty, generous Agent, -that cannot buckle to the Chains of Wedlock. There's a poor sordid -Slavery in Marriage, that turns the flowing Tide of Honour, and sinks -us to the lowest Ebb of Infamy. 'Tis a corrupted Soil: Ill-Nature, -Avarice, Sloth, Cowardice, and Dirt, are all its Product. - -_Lady Brute._ Have you no Exceptions to this general Rule, as well as -to t'other? - -_Const._ Yes; I would, after all, be an Exception to it myself, if you -were free in Power and Will to make me so. - -_Lady Brute._ Compliments are well plac'd where 'tis impossible to lay -hold on 'em. - -_Const._ I wou'd to Heaven 'twere possible for you to lay hold on mine, -that you might see it is no Compliment at all. But since you are -already dispos'd of, beyond Redemption, to one who does not know the -Value of the Jewel you have put into his Hands, I hope you wou'd not -think him greatly wrong'd, tho' it should sometimes be look'd on by a -Friend, who knows how to esteem it as he ought. - -_Lady Brute._ If looking on't alone wou'd serve his turn, the Wrong, -perhaps, might not be very great. - -_Const._ Why, what if he shou'd wear it now and then a Day, so he gave -good Security to bring it home again at Night? - -_Lady Brute._ Small Security, I fancy, might serve for that. One might -venture to take his Word. - -_Const._ Then, where's the Injury to the Owner? - -_Lady Brute._ 'Tis an Injury to him, if he think it one. For if -Happiness be seated in the Mind, Unhappiness must be so too. - -_Const._ Here I close with you, Madam, and draw my conclusive Argument -from your own Position: If the Injury lie in the Fancy, there needs -nothing but Secrecy to prevent the Wrong. - -_Lady Brute._ [_Going._] A surer way to prevent it, is to hear no more -Arguments in its behalf. - -_Const._ [_Following her._] But, Madam---- - -_Lady Brute._ But, Sir, 'tis my turn to be discreet now, and not suffer -too long a Visit. - -_Const._ [_Catching her Hand._] By Heaven, you shall not stir, till you -give me hopes that I shall see you again at some more convenient Time -and Place! - -_Lady Brute._ I give you just hopes enough----[_Breaking from him._] to -get loose from you: and that's all I can afford you at this time. - - [_Exit running._ - - _~Constant~ solus._ - -Now, by all that's great and good, she is a charming Woman! In what -Extasy of Joy she has left me! For she gave me Hope, did she not say -she gave me Hope?--Hope! Ay: what Hope? Enough to make me let her -go--Why, that's enough in Conscience. Or, no matter how 'twas spoke: -Hope was the Word: it came from her, and it was said to me. - - _Enter ~Heartfree~._ - -Ha, _Heartfree_! Thou hast done me noble Service in prattling to the -young Gentlewoman without there; come to my Arms, thou venerable Bawd, -and let me squeeze thee [_Embracing him eagerly._] as a new Pair of -Stays does a fat Country Girl, when she's carried to Court to stand for -a Maid of Honour. - -_Heart._ Why, what the Devil's all this Rapture for? - -_Const._ Rapture! There's ground for Rapture, Man; there's Hopes, my -_Heartfree_, Hopes, my Friend! - -_Heart._ Hopes! of what? - -_Const._ Why, Hopes that my Lady and I together (for 'tis more than one -Body's Work) should make Sir _John_ a Cuckold. - -_Heart._ Pr'ythee, what did she say to thee? - -_Const._ Say? What did she not say? She said that----says she--she -said--Zoons, I don't know what she said; but she look'd as if she said -every thing I'd have her. And so, if thou'lt go to the Tavern, I'll -treat thee with any thing that Gold can buy; I'll give all my Silver -amongst the Drawers, make a Bonfire before the Door; say the Plenipo's -have sign'd the Peace, and the Bank of _England_'s grown honest. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+ _opens; Lord ~Rake~, Sir ~John~, &c. at a Table, drinking._ - -_All._ Huzza! - -_Lord Rake._ Come, Boys, charge again----So--Confusion to all Order! -Here's Liberty of Conscience. - -_All._ Huzza! - -_Lord Rake._ I'll sing you a Song I made this Morning to this purpose. - -_Sir John._ 'Tis wicked, I hope. - -_Col. Bully._ Don't my Lord tell you he made it? - -_Sir John._ Well, then, let's ha't. - -Lord _Rake_ Sings. - - I. - - _What a Pother of late - Have they kept in the State, - About setting our Consciences free! - A Bottle has more - Dispensations in store, - Than the King and the State can decree._ - - II. - - _When my Head's full of Wine, - I o'erflow with Design, - And know no ~Penal-Laws~ that can curb me: - Whate'er I devise - Seems good in my Eyes, - And Religion ne'er dares to disturb me._ - - III. - - _No saucy Remorse - Intrudes in my Course, - Nor impertinent Notions of Evil; - So there's Claret in store, - In Peace I've my Whore, - And in Peace I jog on to the Devil._ - - All sing. _So there's Claret_, &c. - -_Lord Rake._ [Rep.] _And in Peace I jog on to the Devil._ Well, how do -you like it, Gentlemen? - -_All._ O, admirable! - -_Sir John._ I would not give a Fig for a Song that is not full of Sin -and Impudence. - -_Lord Rake._ Then my Muse is to your Taste. But drink away; the Night -steals upon us; we shall want Time to be lewd in. Hey, Page! Sally out, -Sirrah, and see what's doing in the Camp; we'll beat up their Quarters -presently. - -_Page._ I'll bring your Lordship an exact Account. - - [_Exit Page._ - -_Lord Rake._. Now let the Spirit of Clary go round. Fill me a Brimmer -Here's to our Forlorn Hope. Courage, Knight, Victory attends you. - -_Sir John._ And Laurels shall crown me; drink away, and be damn'd. - -_Lord Rake._ Again, Boys; t'other Glass, and damn Morality. - -_Sir John._ [_Drunk._] Ay--damn Morality--and damn the Watch. And let -the Constable be married. - -_All._ Huzza! - -_Re-enter Page._ - -_Lord Rake._ How are the Streets inhabited, Sirrah? - -_Page._ My Lord, 'tis Sunday-night; they are full of drunken Citizens. - -_Lord Rake._ Along, then, Boys, we shall have a Feast. - -_Col. Bully._ Along, noble Knight. - -_Sir John._ Ay----along, _Bully_; and he that says Sir _John Brute_ is -not as drunk and as religious as the drunkenest Citizen of them all--is -a Liar, and the Son of a Whore. - -_Col. Bully._ Why, that was bravely spoke, and like a free-born -_Englishman_. - -_Sir John._ What's that to you, Sir, whether I am an _Englishman_ or a -_Frenchman_? - -_Col. Bully._ Zoons, you are not angry, Sir? - -_Sir John._ Zoons, I am angry, Sir----for if I'm a free-born -_Englishman_, what have you to do even to talk of my Privileges? - -_Lord Rake._ Why, pr'ythee, Knight, don't quarrel here; leave private -Animosities to be decided by Day-light; let the Night be employ'd -against the publick Enemy. - -_Sir John._ My Lord, I respect you because you are a Man of Quality. -But I'll make that Fellow know, I am within a Hair's breadth as -absolute by my Privileges, as the King of _France_ is by his -Prerogative. He by his Prerogative takes Money where it is not his -due; I by my Privilege refuse paying it where I owe it. Liberty and -Property, and _Old England_, Huzza! - -_All._ Huzza! - - [_Exit Sir ~John~ reeling, all following him._ - - -+SCENE+, _A Bed-Chamber._ - - _Enter ~Lady Brute~ and ~Belinda~._ - -_Lady Brute._ Sure 'tis late, _Belinda_; I begin to be sleepy. - -_Bel._ Yes, 'tis near Twelve. Will you go to Bed? - -_Lady Brute._ To Bed, my Dear? And by that time I am fallen into a -sweet Sleep (or perhaps a sweet Dream, which is better and better) Sir -_John_ will come home roaring drunk, and be overjoy'd he finds me in a -Condition to be disturb'd. - -_Bel._ O, you need not fear him; he's in for all Night. The Servants -say he's gone to drink with my Lord _Rake_. - -_Lady Brute._ Nay, 'tis not very likely, indeed, such suitable Company -should part presently. What Hogs Men turn, _Belinda_, when they grow -weary of Women! - -_Bel._ And what Owls they are, whilst they are fond of 'em! - -_Lady Brute._ But That we may forgive well enough, because they are so -upon our accounts. - -_Bel._ We ought to do so, indeed; but 'tis a hard matter. For when a -Man is really in love, he looks so unsufferably silly, that tho' a -Woman lik'd him well enough before, she has then much ado to endure -the Sight of him: And this I take to be the Reason why Lovers are so -generally ill-us'd. - -_Lady Brute._ Well, I own, now, I'm well enough pleased to see a Man -look like an Ass for me. - -_Bel._ Ay, I'm pleas'd he should look like an Ass, too;--that is, I'm -pleased with myself for making him look so. - -_Lady Brute._ Nay, truly, I think if he'd find some other way to -express his Passion, 'twould be more to his advantage. - -_Bel._ Yes; for then a Woman might like his Passion and him too. - -_Lady Brute._ Yet, _Belinda_, after all, a Woman's Life would be but -a dull Business, if it were not for Men; and Men that can look like -Asses, too. We shou'd never blame Fate for the shortness of our Days; -our Time would hang wretchedly upon our Hands. - -_Bel._ Why, truly, they do help us off with a good share on't: For -were there no Men in the World, o'my Conscience, I shou'd be no longer -a-dressing than I'm a-saying my Prayers; nay, tho' it were Sunday: For -you know that one may go to Church without Stays on. - -_Lady Brute._ But don't you think Emulation might do something? For -every Woman you see desires to be finer than her Neighbour. - -_Bel._ That's only that the Men may like her better than her Neighbour. -No, if there were no Men, adieu fine Petticoats, we should be weary of -wearing 'em. - -_Lady Brute._ And adieu Plays, we should be weary of seeing 'em. - -_Bel._ Adieu _Hyde Park_, the Dust would choak us. - -_Lady Brute._ Adieu _St. James_'s, walking would tire us. - -_Bel._ Adieu _London_, the Smoke would stifle us. - -_Lady Brute._ And adieu going to Church, for Religion wou'd ne'er -prevail with us. - -_Both._ Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! - -_Bel._ Our Confession is so very hearty, sure we merit Absolution. - -_Lady Brute._ Not unless we go thro' with't, and confess all. So, -pr'ythee, for the Ease of our Consciences, let's hide nothing. - -_Bel._ Agreed. - -_Lady Brute._ Why, then, I confess, that I love to sit in the -Fore-front of a Box; for if one sits behind, there's two Acts gone, -perhaps, before one's found out. And when I am there, if I perceive the -Men whispering and looking upon me, you must know I cannot for my Life -forbear thinking they talk to my Advantage; and that sets a thousand -little tickling Vanities on foot---- - -_Bel._ Just my Case, for all the World; but go on. - -_Lady Brute._ I watch with Impatience for the next Jest in the Play, -that I might laugh, and shew my white Teeth. If the Poet has been -dull, and the Jest be long a-coming, I pretend to whisper one to my -Friend, and from thence fall into a little small Discourse, in which I -take occasion to shew my Face in all Humours, brisk, pleas'd, serious, -melancholy, languishing----Not that what we say to one another causes -any of these alterations. But---- - -_Bel._ Don't trouble yourself to explain. For if I'm not mistaken, you -and I have had some of these necessary Dialogues before now with the -same Intention. - -_Lady Brute._ Why, I swear, _Belinda_, some People do give strange -agreeable Airs to their Faces in speaking. Tell me true--Did you never -practise in the Glass? - -_Bel._ Why, did you? - -_Lady Brute._ Yes, 'faith, many a time. - -_Bel._ And I too, I own it; both how to speak myself, and how to look -when others speak. But my Glass and I could never yet agree what Face I -should make when they come blunt out with a nasty thing in a Play: For -all the Men presently look upon the Women, that's certain: so laugh we -must not, tho' our Stays burst for't, because that's telling Truth, and -owning we understand the Jest. And to look serious is so dull, when the -whole House is a laughing-- - -_Lady Brute._ Besides, that looking serious does really betray our -Knowledge in the matter, as much as laughing with the Company would do: -For if we did not understand the thing, we shou'd naturally do like -other People. - -_Bel._ For my part, I always take that occasion to blow my Nose. - -_Lady Brute._ You must blow your Nose half off, then, at some Plays. - -_Bel._ Why don't some Reformer or other be at the Poet for't? - -_Lady Brute._ Because he is not so sure of our private Approbation, -as of our publick Thanks. Well, sure there is not upon Earth so -impertinent a thing as Women's Modesty. - -_Bel._ Yes: Men's Fantasque, that obliges us to it. If we quit our -Modesty, they say we lose our Charms: and yet they know that very -Modesty is Affectation, and rail at our Hypocrisy. - -_Lady Brute._ Thus, one would think 'twere a hard matter to please 'em, -Niece; yet our kind Mother Nature has given us something that makes -amends for all. Let our Weakness be what it will, Mankind will still -be weaker; and whilst there is a World, 'tis Woman that will govern -it. But, pr'ythee, one Word of poor _Constant_ before we go to bed, if -it be but to furnish matter for Dreams: I dare swear he's talking of -me now, or thinking of me at least, tho' it be in the middle of his -Prayers. - -_Bel._ So he ought, I think; for you were pleas'd to make him a good -round Advance to-day, Madam. - -_Lady Brute._ Why, I have e'en plagu'd him enough to satisfy any -reasonable Woman: He has besieg'd me these two Years, to no purpose. - -_Bel._ And if he besieg'd you two Years more, he'd be well enough -pay'd, so he had the plundering of you at last. - -_Lady Brute._ That may be; but I'm afraid the Town won't be able to -hold out much longer: for to confess the Truth to you, _Belinda_, the -Garrison begins to grow mutinous. - -_Bel._ Then the sooner you capitulate, the better. - -_Lady Brute._ Yet, methinks, I wou'd fain stay a little longer to see -you fix'd too, that we might start together, and see who cou'd love -longest. What think you, if _Heartfree_ shou'd have a Month's Mind to -you? - -_Bel._ Why, 'faith, I cou'd almost be in love with him for despising -that foolish, affected Lady _Fancyfull_; but I'm afraid he's too cold -ever to warm himself by my Fire. - -_Lady Brute._ Then he deserves to be froze to death. Wou'd I were a Man -for your sake, dear Rogue! [_Kissing her._] - -_Bel._ You'd wish yourself a Woman again for your own, or the Men are -mistaken. But if I cou'd make a Conquest of this Son of _Bacchus_, and -rival his Bottle, what shou'd I do with him? He has no Fortune, I can't -marry him: and sure you wou'd not have me commit Fornication? - -_Lady Brute._ Why, if you did, Child, 'twould be but a good friendly -part; if 'twere only to keep me in countenance whilst I commit--you -know what. - -_Bel._ Well, if I can't resolve to serve you that way, I may perhaps -some other, as much to your Satisfaction. But pray how shall we -contrive to see these Blades again quickly? - -_Lady Brute._ We must e'en have recourse to the old way; make 'em an -Appointment 'twixt Jest and Earnest; 'twill look like a Frolick, and -that you know 's a very good thing to save a Woman's Blushes. - -_Bel._ You advise well; but where shall it be? - -_Lady Brute._ In _Spring Garden_. But they shan't know their Women, -till their Women pull off their Masks; for a Surprize is the most -agreeable thing in the World: And I find myself in a very good Humour, -ready to do 'em any good turn I can think on. - -_Bel._ Then pray write 'em the necessary Billet, without farther delay. - -_Lady Brute._ Let's go into your Chamber, then, and whilst you say your -Prayers I'll do it, Child. - - [_Exeunt._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ IV. - - -+SCENE+, _Covent Garden_. - - _Enter Lord ~Rake~, Sir ~John~, &c. with Swords drawn._ - -_Lord Rake._ Is the Dog dead? - -_Col. Bully._ No, damn him, I heard him wheeze. - -_Lord Rake._ How the Witch his Wife howl'd! - -_Col. Bully._ Ay, she'll alarm the Watch presently. - -_Lord Rake._ Appear, Knight, then; come, you have a good Cause to fight -for--there's a Man murder'd. - -_Sir John._ Is there? Then let his Ghost be satisfy'd; for I'll -sacrifice a Constable to it presently, and burn his Body upon his -wooden Chair. - - _Enter a Taylor, with a Bundle under his Arm._ - -_Col. Bully._ How now? What have we got here? A Thief. - -_Taylor._ No, an't please you, I'm no Thief. - -_Lord Rake._ That we'll see presently: Here, let the General examine -him. - -_Sir John._ Ay, ay, let me examine him, and I'll lay a hundred Pound I -find him guilty, in spite of his Teeth--for he looks--like a--sneaking -Rascal. Come, Sirrah, without Equivocation or mental Reservation, tell -me of what Opinion you are, and what Calling; for by them----I shall -guess at your Morals. - -_Taylor._ An't please you, I'm a Dissenting Journeyman Taylor. - -_Sir John._ Then, Sirrah, you love Lying by your Religion, and Theft -by your Trade: And so, that your Punishment may be suitable to your -Crimes--I'll have you first gagg'd--and then hang'd. - -_Tayl._ Pray, good worthy Gentlemen, don't abuse me: indeed I'm an -honest Man, and a good Workman, tho' I say it, that should not say it. - -_Sir John._ No Words, Sirrah, but attend your Fate. - -_Lord Rake._ Let me see what's in that Bundle. - -_Tayl._ An't please you, it is the Doctor of the Parish's Gown. - -_Lord Rake._ The Doctor's Gown!----Hark you, Knight, you won't stick at -abusing the Clergy, will you? - -_Sir John._ No, I'm drunk, and I'll abuse any thing--but my Wife; and -her I name--with Reverence. - -_Lord Rake._ Then you shall wear this Gown, whilst you charge the -Watch; that tho' the Blows fall upon you, the Scandal may light upon -the Church. - -_Sir John._ A generous Design----by all the Gods----give it me. - - [_Takes the Gown, and puts it on._ - -_Tayl._ O dear Gentlemen, I shall be quite undone, if you take the Gown. - -_Sir John._ Retire, Sirrah; and since you carry off your Skin--go home -and be happy. - -_Tayl._ [_Pausing._] I think I had e'en as good follow the Gentleman's -friendly Advice; for if I dispute any longer, who knows but the Whim -may take him to case me? These Courtiers are fuller of Tricks than they -are of Money; they'll sooner cut a Man's Throat, than pay his Bill. - - [_Exit ~Taylor~._ - -_Sir John._ So, how do you like my Shapes now? - -_Lord Rake._ This will do to a Miracle; he looks like a Bishop going to -the Holy War. But to your Arms, Gentlemen, the Enemy appears. - - _Enter Constable and Watch._ - -_Watch._ Stand! Who goes there? Come before the Constable. - -_Sir John._ The Constable is a Rascal----and you are the Son of a Whore. - -_Watch._ A good civil Answer for a Parson, truly! - -_Constab._ Methinks, Sir, a Man of your Coat might set a better Example. - -_Sir John._ Sirrah, I'll make you know----there are Men of my Coat can -set as bad Examples----as you can do, you Dog, you. - - [_Sir ~John~ strikes the Constable. They knock him down, - disarm him, and seize him. Lord Rake, &c. run away._ - -_Constab._ So, we have secur'd the Parson, however. - -_Sir John._ Blood, and Blood----and Blood. - -_Watch._ Lord have mercy upon us! How the wicked Wretch raves of Blood! -I'll warrant he has been murdering some body to-night. - -_Sir John._ Sirrah, there's nothing got by Murder but a Halter: My -Talent lies towards Drunkenness and Simony. - -_Watch._ Why, that now was spoke like a Man of Parts, Neighbours; 'tis -pity he shou'd be so disguised. - -_Sir John._ You lye----I'm not disguis'd; for I am drunk barefac'd. - -_Watch._ Look you there again--This is a mad Parson, Mr. _Constable_; -I'll lay a Pot of Ale upon 's Head, he's a good Preacher. - -_Constab._ Come, Sir, out of respect to your Calling, I shan't put you -into the Round-house; but we must secure you in our Drawing-room till -Morning, that you may do no Mischief. So, come along. - -_Sir John._ You may put me where you will, Sirrah, now you have -overcome me----But if I can't do Mischief, I'll think of Mischief--in -spite of your Teeth, you Dog, you. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _A Bed-Chamber._ - - _Enter ~Heartfree~ solus._ - -What the Plague ails me?----Love? No, I thank you for that, my -Heart's Rock still----Yet 'tis _Belinda_ that disturbs me; that's -positive----Well, what of all that? Must I love her for being -troublesome? At that rate I might love all the Women I meet, I'gad. But -hold!--Tho' I don't love her for disturbing me, yet she may disturb me, -because I love her----Ay, that may be, 'faith. I have dreamt of her, -that's certain----Well, so I have of my Mother; therefore what's that -to the purpose? Ay, but _Belinda_ runs in my Mind waking--and so does -many a damn'd thing that I don't care a Farthing for----Methinks, tho', -I would fain be talking to her, and yet I have no Business----Well, am -I the first Man that has had a Mind to do an impertinent thing? - - _Enter ~Constant~._ - -_Const._ How now, _Heartfree_? What makes you up and dress'd so soon? I -thought none but Lovers quarrell'd with their Beds; I expected to have -found you snoring, as I us'd to do. - -_Heart._ Why, 'faith, Friend, 'tis the Care I have of your Affairs, -that makes me so thoughtful; I have been studying all Night how to -bring your matter about with _Belinda_. - -_Const._ With _Belinda_? - -_Heart._ With my Lady, I mean: And, 'faith, I have mighty Hopes -on't. Sure you must be very well satisfied with her Behaviour to you -yesterday? - -_Const._ So well, that nothing but a Lover's Fears can make me doubt of -Success. But what can this sudden Change proceed from? - -_Heart._ Why, you saw her Husband beat her, did you not? - -_Const._ That's true: A Husband is scarce to be borne upon any terms, -much less when he fights with his Wife. Methinks, she shou'd e'en have -cuckolded him upon the very spot, to shew that after the Battle she was -Master of the Field. - -_Heart._ A Council of War of Women wou'd infallibly have advis'd her -to't. But, I confess, so agreeable a Woman as _Belinda_ deserves better -Usage. - -_Const._ _Belinda_ again! - -_Heart._ My Lady, I mean. What a Pox makes me blunder so to-day? -[_Aside._] A Plague of this treacherous Tongue! - -_Const._ Pr'ythee, look upon me seriously, _Heartfree_--Now answer me -directly: Is it my Lady, or _Belinda_, employs your careful Thoughts -thus? - -_Heart._ My Lady, or _Belinda_? - -_Const._ In Love; by this Light, in Love. - -_Heart._ In Love! - -_Const._ Nay, ne'er deny it; for thou'lt do it so aukwardly, 'twill but -make the Jest sit heavier about thee. My dear Friend, I give thee much -Joy. - -_Heart._ Why, pr'ythee, you won't persuade me to it, will you? - -_Const._ That she's Mistress of your Tongue, that's plain; and I know -you are so honest a Fellow, your Tongue and Heart always go together. -But how, but how the Devil? Pha, ha, ha, ha-- - -_Heart._ Hey-dey! Why, sure you don't believe it in earnest? - -_Const._ Yes, I do, because I see you deny it in jest. - -_Heart._ Nay, but look you, _Ned_--a----deny in jest----a----gadzooks, -you know I say----a----when a Man denies a thing in jest--a-- - -_Const._ Pha, ha, ha, ha, ha. - -_Heart._ Nay, then we shall have it: What, because a Man stumbles at a -Word: did you never make a Blunder? - -_Const._ Yes; for I am in Love, I own it. - -_Heart._ Then, so am I--Now laugh till thy Soul's glutted with Mirth. -[_Embracing him._] But, dear _Constant_, don't tell the Town on't. - -_Const._ Nay, then, 'twere almost pity to laugh at thee, after so -honest a Confession. But tell us a little, _Jack_, by what new-invented -Arms has this mighty Stroke been given? - -_Heart._ E'en by that unaccountable Weapon call'd _Je-ne-sçai-quoy_: -For every thing that can come within the Verge of Beauty, I have seen -it with indifference. - -_Const._ So in few Words, then, the _Je-ne-sçai-quoy_ has been too hard -for the quilted Petticoat. - -_Heart._ I'gad, I think the _Je-ne-sçai-quoy_ is in the quilted -Petticoat; at least 'tis certain, I ne'er think on't without----a----a -_Je-ne-sçai-quoy_ in every Part about me. - -_Const._ Well, but have all your Remedies lost their Virtue? Have you -turn'd her inside out yet? - -_Heart._ I dare not so much as think on't. - -_Const._ But don't the two Years Fatigue I have had discourage you? - -_Heart._ Yes: I dread what I foresee; yet cannot quit the Enterprize. -Like some Soldiers, whose Courage dwells more in their Honour, than -their Nature--on they go, tho' the Body trembles at what the Soul makes -it undertake. - -_Const._ Nay, if you expect your Mistress will use you as your -Profanations against her Sex deserve, you tremble justly. But how do -you intend to proceed, Friend? - -_Heart._ Thou know'st I'm but a Novice; be friendly, and advise me. - -_Const._ Why, look you, then: I'd have you--Serenade and a----write -a Song----Go to Church; Look like a Fool----Be very officious; Ogle, -write and lead out: And who knows but in a Year or two's time you may -be----call'd a troublesome Puppy, and sent about your Business. - -_Heart._ That's hard. - -_Const._ Yet thus it oft falls out with Lovers, Sir. - -_Heart._ Pox on me for making one of the Number! - -_Const._ Have a care: Say no saucy things; 'twill but augment your -Crime; and if your Mistress hears on't, increase your Punishment. - -_Heart._ Pr'ythee say something, then, to encourage me; you know I -help'd you in your Distress. - -_Const._ Why, then, to encourage you to Perseverance, tho' you may be -thoroughly ill-us'd for your Offences; I'll put you in mind, that even -the coyest Ladies of 'em all are made up of Desires, as well as we; and -tho' they do hold out a long time, they will capitulate at last. For -that thundering Engineer, Nature, does make such havock in the Town, -they must surrender at long run, or perish in their own Flames. - - _Enter a Footman._ - -_Foot._ Sir, there's a Porter without with a Letter; he desires to give -it into your own Hands. - -_Const._ Call him in. - - _Enter Porter._ - -_Const._ What, _Joe_! Is it thee? - -_Porter._ An't please you, Sir, I was order'd to deliver this into your -own Hands by two well-shap'd Ladies, at the _New Exchange_. I was at -your Honour's Lodgings, and your Servants sent me hither. - -_Const._ 'Tis well; are you to carry any Answer? - -_Porter._ No, my noble Master. They gave me my Orders, and whip they -were gone, like a Maidenhead at Fifteen. - -_Const._ Very well; there. - - [_Gives him Money._ - -_Porter._ God bless your Honour! - - [_Exit Porter._ - -_Const._ Now let's see what honest, trusty _Joe_ has brought us. - - _Reads._ - - _If you and your Play-Fellow can spare time from your Business and - Devotions, don't fail to be at ~Spring-Garden~ about Eight in the - Evening. You'll find nothing there but Women, so you need bring no - other Arms than what you usually carry about you._ - -So, Play-fellow: here's something to stay your Stomach till your -Mistress's Dish is ready for you. - -_Heart._ Some of our old batter'd Acquaintance. I won't go, not I. - -_Const._ Nay, that you can't avoid; there's Honour in the Case; 'tis a -Challenge, and I want a Second. - -_Heart._ I doubt I shall be but a very useless one to you; for I'm so -dishearten'd by this Wound _Belinda_ has given me, I don't think I -shall have Courage enough to draw my Sword. - -_Const._ O, if that be all, come along; I'll warrant you find Sword -enough for such Enemies as we have to deal withal. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _A Street_. - - _Enter Constable, &c. with Sir ~John~._ - -_Constab._ Come along, Sir; I thought to have let you slip this -Morning, because you were a Minister; but you are as drunk and as -abusive as ever. We'll see what the Justice of the Peace will say to -you. - -_Sir John._ And you shall see what I'll say to the Justice of the -Peace, Sirrah. - - [_They knock at the Door._ - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Constab._ Pray, acquaint his Worship, we have got an unruly Parson -here: We are unwilling to expose him, but don't know what to do with -him. - -_Serv._ I'll acquaint my Master. - - [_Exit Serv._ - -_Sir John._ You----Constable--What damn'd Justice is this? - -_Constab._ One that will take Care of you, I warrant you. - - _Enter Justice._ - -_Just._ Well, Mr. Constable, what's the Disorder here? - -_Constab._ An't please your Worship---- - -_Sir John._ Let me speak, and be damn'd: I'm a Divine, and can unfold -Mysteries better than you can do. - -_Just._ Sadness, sadness! A Minister so overtaken! Pray, Sir, give the -Constable leave to speak, and I'll hear you very patiently: I assure -you, Sir, I will. - -_Sir John._ Sir----You are a very civil Magistrate! Your most humble -Servant. - -_Constab._ An't please your Worship, then, he has attempted to beat the -Watch to-night, and swore---- - -_Sir John._ You lye. - -_Just._ Hold, pray, Sir, a little. - -_Sir John._ Sir, your very humble Servant. - -_Constab._ Indeed, Sir, he came at us without any Provocation, call'd -us Whores and Rogues, and laid us on with a great Quarter-staff. He was -in my Lord _Rake_'s Company: They have been playing the Devil to-night. - -_Just._ Hem----Hem----Pray, Sir----may you be Chaplain to my Lord? - -_Sir John._ Sir----I presume----I may if I will. - -_Just._ My meaning, Sir, is----Are you so? - -_Sir John._ Sir--You mean very well. - -_Just._ He, hem----hem----Under Favour, Sir, pray answer me directly. - -_Sir John._ Under Favour, Sir----Do you use to answer directly when you -are drunk? - -_Just._ Good lack, good lack! Here's nothing to be got from him: Pray, -Sir, may I crave your Name? - -_Sir John._ Sir----My Name's----[_He hiccups._] Hiccup, Sir. - -_Just._ Hiccup? Doctor _Hiccup_, I have known a great many Country -Parsons of that Name, especially down in the _Fenns_. Pray where do you -live, Sir? - -_Sir John._ Here----and there, Sir. - -_Just._ Why, what a strange Man is this! Where do you preach, Sir? Have -you any Cure? - -_Sir John._ Sir----I have----a very good Cure----for a Clap, at your -Service. - -_Just._ Lord have mercy upon us! - -_Sir John._ [_Aside._] This Fellow asks so many impertinent Questions, -I believe, I'gad, 'tis the Justice's Wife in the Justice's Clothes. - -_Just._ Mr. Constable, I vow and protest, I don't know what to do with -him. - -_Constab._ Truly, he has been but a troublesome Guest to us all Night. - -_Just._ I think, I had e'en best let him go about his Business; for I'm -unwilling to expose him. - -_Constab._ E'en what your Worship thinks fit. - -_Sir John._ Sir----not to interrupt Mr. Constable, I have a small -Favour to ask. - -_Just._ Sir, I open both my Ears to you. - -_Sir John._ Sir, your very humble Servant. I have a little urgent -Business calls upon me; and therefore I desire the Favour of you to -bring Matters to a Conclusion. - -_Just._ Sir, if I were sure that Business were not to commit more -Disorders, I wou'd release you. - -_Sir John._ None----By my Priesthood! - -_Just._ Then, Mr. Constable, you may discharge him. - -_Sir John._ Sir, your very humble Servant. If you please to accept of a -Bottle-- - -_Just._ I thank you, kindly, Sir; but I never drink in a Morning. -Good-by t'ye, Sir, good-by t'ye. - -_Sir John._ Good by t'ye, good Sir. [_Exit Justice._] So----now, Mr. -Constable, shall you and I go pick up a Whore together? - -_Constab._ No, thank you, Sir; my Wife's enough to satisfy any -reasonable Man. - -_Sir John._ [_Aside._] He, he, he, he--the Fool is married, then. Well, -you won't go? - -_Constab._ Not I, truly. - -_Sir John._ Then I'll go by myself; and you and your Wife may be -damn'd. - - [_Exit Sir ~John~._ - -_Constable._ [_Gazing after him._] Why, God a-mercy, Parson? - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _Spring-Garden_. - - _~Constant~ and ~Heartfree~ cross the Stage. As they go off, - enter Lady ~Fancyfull~ and ~Madamoiselle~ mask'd, and - dogging 'em._ - -_Const._ So; I think we are about the time appointed: let us walk up -this way. - - [_Exeunt._ - -_Lady Fan._ Good: Thus far I have dogg'd 'em without being discover'd. -'Tis infallibly some Intrigue that brings them to _Spring-Garden_. How -my poor Heart is torn and rackt with Fear and Jealousy! Yet let it be -any thing but that Flirt _Belinda_, and I'll try to bear it. But if it -prove her, all that's Woman in me shall be employ'd to destroy her. - - [_Exeunt after ~Constant~ and ~Heartfree~._ - - _Re-enter ~Constant~ and ~Heartfree~, Lady ~Fancyfull~ and - ~Madamoiselle~ still following at a Distance_. - -_Const._ I see no Females yet, that have any thing to say to us. I'm -afraid we are banter'd. - -_Heart._ I wish we were; for I'm in no Humour to make either them or -myself merry. - -_Const._ Nay, I'm sure you'll make them merry enough, if I tell 'em why -you are dull. But pr'ythee why so heavy and sad before you begin to be -ill us'd? - -_Heart._ For the same Reason, perhaps, that you are so brisk and -well pleas'd; because both Pains and Pleasures are generally more -considerable in Prospect, than when they come to pass. - - _Enter Lady ~Brute~ and ~Belinda~, mask'd and poorly dress'd._ - -_Const._ How now! who are these? Not our Game, I hope. - -_Heart._ If they are, we are e'en well enough serv'd, to come a-hunting -here, when we had so much better Game in Chase elsewhere. - -_Lady Fan._ [_To Madamoiselle._] So, those are their Ladies, without -doubt. But I'm afraid that _Doily_ Stuff is not worn for want of better -Clothes. They are the very Shape and Size of _Belinda_ and her Aunt. - -_Madam._ So dey be inteed, Matam. - -_Lady Fan._ We'll slip into this close Arbour, where we may hear all -they say. - - [_Exeunt Lady ~Fancyfull~ and ~Madamoiselle~._ - -_Lady Brute._ What, are you afraid of us, Gentlemen? - -_Heart._ Why, truly, I think we may, if Appearance don't lye. - -_Bel._ Do you always find Women what they appear to be, Sir? - -_Heart._ No, forsooth; but I seldom find 'em better than they appear to -be. - -_Bel._ Then the Outside's best, you think? - -_Heart._ 'Tis the honestest. - -_Const._ Have a care, _Heartfree_; you are relapsing again. - -_Lady Brute._ Why, does the Gentleman use to rail at Women? - -_Const._ He has done formerly. - -_Bel._ I suppose he had very good Cause for't. They did not use you so -well as you thought you deserv'd, Sir. - -_Lady Brute._ They made themselves merry at your Expence, Sir. - -_Bel._ Laugh'd when you sigh'd-- - -_Lady Brute._ Slept while you were waking-- - -_Bel._ Had your Porter beat-- - -_Lady Brute._ And threw your Billet-doux in the Fire. - -_Heart._ Hey-day, I shall do more than rail presently. - -_Bel._ Why, you won't beat us, will you? - -_Heart._ I don't know but I may. - -_Const._ What the Devil's coming here? Sir _John_ in a Gown----And -drunk, i'faith. - - _Enter Sir ~John~._ - -_Sir John._ What a Pox----here's _Constant_, _Heartfree_--and two -Whores, I'gad----O you covetous Rogues! what, have you never a spare -Punk for your Friend?----But I'll share with you. - - [_He seizes both the Women._ - -_Heart._ Why, what the plague have you been doing, Knight? - -_Sir John._ Why, I have been beating the Watch, and scandalizing the -Clergy. - -_Heart._ A very good Account, truly. - -_Sir John._ And what do you think I'll do next? - -_Const._. Nay, that no Man can guess. - -_Sir John._ Why, if you'll let me sup with you, I'll treat both your -Strumpets. - -_Lady Brute._ [_Aside._] O Lord, we're undone! - -_Heart._ No, we can't sup together, because we have some Affairs -elsewhere. But if you'll accept of these two Ladies, we'll be so -complaisant to you, to resign our Right in 'em. - -_Bel._ [_Aside._] Lord, what shall we do? - -_Sir John._ Let me see; their Clothes are such damn'd Clothes, they -won't pawn for the Reckoning. - -_Heart._ _Sir John_, your Servant. Rapture attend you! - -_Const._ Adieu, Ladies, make much of the Gentleman. - -_Lady Brute._ Why, sure, you won't leave us in the Hands of a drunken -Fellow to abuse us. - -_Sir John._ Who do you call a drunken Fellow, you Slut you? I'm a Man -of Quality; the King has made me a Knight. - - [_~Heart.~ runs off._ - -_Heart._ Ay, ay, you are in good Hands! Adieu, Adieu! - -_Lady Brute._ The Devil's Hands: Let me go, or I'll--For Heaven's sake, -protect us! - - [_She breaks from him, runs to ~Constant~, twitching off - her Mask, and clapping it on again._ - -_Sir John._ I'll Devil you, you Jade you. I'll demolish your ugly Face. - -_Const._ Hold a little, Knight, she swoons. - -_Sir John._ I'll swoon her. - -_Const._ Hey, _Heartfree_. - - _Re-enter ~Heartfree~. ~Belinda~ runs to him, and shews her - Face._ - -_Heart._ O Heavens! My dear Creature, stand there a little. - -_Const._ Pull him off, _Jack_. - -_Heart._ Hold, mighty Man; look ye, Sir, we did but jest with you. -These are Ladies of our Acquaintance that we had a mind to frighten a -little, but now you must leave us. - -_Sir John._ Oons, I won't leave you, not I. - -_Heart._ Nay, but you must, though; and therefore make no Words on't. - -_Sir John._ Then you are a couple of damned uncivil Fellows. And I hope -your Punks will give you Sauce to your Mutton. - - [_Exit Sir ~John~._ - -_Lady Brute._ Oh, I shall never come to myself again, I'm so frightened. - -_Const._ 'Twas a narrow 'Scape, indeed. - -_Bel._ Women must have Frolicks, you see, whatever they cost them. - -_Heart._ This might have proved a dear one, though. - -_Lady Brute._ You are the more obliged to us for the Risk we run upon -your Accounts. - -_Const._ And I hope you'll acknowledge something due to our -Knight-Errantry, Ladies. This is the second time we have delivered you. - -_Lady Brute._ 'Tis true; and since we see Fate has designed you for our -Guardians, 'twill make us the more willing to trust ourselves in your -Hands. But you must not have the worse Opinion of us for our innocent -Frolick. - -_Heart._ Ladies, you may command our Opinions in every thing that is to -your Advantage. - -_Bel._ Then, Sir, I command you to be of Opinion, That Women are -sometimes better than they appear to be. - - [_Lady ~Brute~ and ~Constant~ talk apart._ - -_Heart._ Madam, you have made a Convert of me in every thing. I'm grown -a Fool: I cou'd be fond of a Woman. - -_Bel._ I thank you, Sir, in the Name of the whole Sex. - -_Heart._ Which Sex nothing but yourself cou'd ever have aton'd for. - -_Bel._ Now has my Vanity a devilish Itch, to know in what my Merit -consists. - -_Heart._ In your Humility, Madam, that keeps you ignorant it consists -at all. - -_Bel._ One other Compliment, with that serious Face, and I hate you for -ever after. - -_Heart._ Some Women love to be abus'd: Is that it you wou'd be at? - -_Bel._ No, not that, neither: But I'd have Men talk plainly what's fit -for Women to hear; without putting 'em either to a real or an affected -Blush. - -_Heart._ Why, then, in as plain Terms as I can find to express myself, -I could love you even to--Matrimony itself a'most, I'gad. - -_Bel._ Just as Sir _John_ did her Ladyship there.----What think you? -Don't you believe one Month's time might bring you down to the same -Indifference, only clad in a little better Manners, perhaps? Well, you -Men are unaccountable things, mad till you have your Mistresses, and -then stark mad till you are rid of 'em again. Tell me honestly, Is not -your Patience put to a much severer Trial after Possession than before? - -_Heart._ With a great many I must confess it is, to our eternal -Scandal; but I----dear Creature, do but try me. - -_Bel._ That's the surest way, indeed, to know, but not the safest. [_To -Lady ~Brute~._] Madam, are not you for taking a Turn in the Great Walk? -It's almost dark, no body will know us. - -_Lady Brute._ Really I find myself something idle, _Belinda_: besides, -I doat upon this little odd private Corner. But don't let my lazy Fancy -confine you. [_Const. aside._] So, she wou'd be left alone with me; -that's well. - -_Bel._ Well, we'll take one Turn, and come to you again. [_To -~Heart~._] Come, Sir, shall we go pry into the Secrets of the Garden? -Who knows what Discoveries we may make? - -_Heart._ Madam, I'm at your Service. - -_Const._ [_To ~Heart~. aside._] Don't make too much haste back; for, -d'ye hear?----I may be busy. - -_Heart._ Enough. - - [_Exeunt ~Belinda~ and ~Heartfree~._ - -_Lady Brute._ Sure you think me scandalously free, Mr. _Constant_. I'm -afraid I shall lose your good Opinion of me. - -_Const._ My good Opinion, Madam, is like your Cruelty----ne'er to be -remov'd. - -_Lady Brute._ But if I should remove my Cruelty, then there's an end of -your good Opinion. - -_Const._ There is not so strict an Alliance between 'em, neither. 'Tis -certain I shou'd love you then better (if that be possible) than I do -now; and where I love, I always esteem. - -_Lady Brute._ Indeed, I doubt you much. Why, suppose you had a Wife, -and she should entertain a Gallant? - -_Const._ If I gave her just Cause, how cou'd I justly condemn her? - -_Lady Brute._ Ah! but you'd differ widely about just Causes. - -_Const._ But Blows can bear no Dispute. - -_Lady Brute._ Nor ill Manners much, truly. - -_Const._ Then no Woman upon Earth has so just a Cause as you have. - -_Lady Brute._ O, but a faithful Wife is a beautiful Character. - -_Const._ To a deserving Husband, I confess it is. - -_Lady Brute._ But can his Faults release my Duty? - -_Const._ In Equity, without doubt. And where Laws dispense with Equity, -Equity should dispense with Laws. - -_Lady Brute._ Pray let's leave this Dispute; for you Men have as much -Witchcraft in your Arguments, as Women have in their Eyes. - -_Const._ But whilst you attack me with your Charms, 'tis but reasonable -I assault you with mine. - -_Lady Brute._ The Case is not the same. What Mischief we do, we can't -help, and therefore are to be forgiven. - -_Const._ Beauty soon obtains Pardon for the Pain that it gives, when -it applies the Balm of Compassion to the Wound: But a fine Face, and a -hard Heart, is almost as bad as an ugly Face and a soft one; both very -troublesome to many a poor Gentleman. - -_Lady Brute._ Yes, and to many a poor Gentlewoman, too, I can assure -you. But pray, which of 'em is it that most afflicts you? - -_Const._ Your Glass and Conscience will inform you, Madam. But for -Heaven's sake (for now I must be serious), if Pity, or if Gratitude can -move you; [_Taking her Hand._] if Constancy and Truth have power to -tempt you; if Love, if Adoration can affect you; give me at least some -Hopes, that Time may do what you perhaps mean never to perform; 'twill -ease my Sufferings, tho' not quench my Flame. - -_Lady Brute._ Your Sufferings eas'd, your Flame wou'd soon abate: And -that I would preserve, not quench it, Sir. - -_Const._ Wou'd you preserve it, nourish it with Favours; for that's the -Food it naturally requires. - -_Lady Brute._ Yet on that natural Food 'twould surfeit soon, shou'd I -resolve to grant all you wou'd ask. - -_Const._ And in refusing all, you starve it. Forgive me, therefore, -since my Hunger rages, if I at last grow wild, and in my frenzy force -at least this from you. [_Kissing her Hand._] Or if you'd have my Flame -soar higher still, then grant me this, and this, and Thousands more; -[_Kissing first her Hand, then her Neck._] [_Aside._] For now's the -time she melts into Compassion. - -_Lady Brute._ [_Aside._] Poor Coward Virtue, how it shuns the Battle! O -Heavens! let me go. - -_Const._ Ay, go, ay: Where shall we go, my charming Angel----into this -private Arbour----Nay, let's lose no time----Moments are precious. - -_Lady Brute._ And Lovers wild. Pray let us stop here; at least for this -time. - -_Const._ 'Tis impossible; he that has power over you, can have none -over himself. - - _As he is forcing her into the Arbour, Lady ~Fancyfull~ and - ~Madamoiselle~ bolt out upon them, and run over the - Stage._ - -_Lady Brute._ Ah! I'm lost! - -_Lady Fan._ Fe, fe, fe, fe, fe. - -_Madam._ Fe, fe, fe, fe, fe. - -_Const._ Death and Furies, who are these? - -_Lady Brute._ O Heavens! I'm out of my Wits; if they knew me, I am -ruin'd. - -_Const._ Don't be frightened: Ten thousand to one they are Strangers to -you. - -_Lady Brute._ Whatever they are, I won't stay here a Moment longer. - -_Const._ Whither will you go? - -_Lady Brute._ Home, as if the Devil were in me. Lord, where's this -_Belinda_ now? - - _Enter ~Belinda~ and ~Heartfree~._ - -O! 'tis well you are come: I'm so frightened, my Hair stands an end. -Let's be gone, for Heaven's sake! - -_Bel._ Lord, what's the matter? - -_Lady Brute._ The Devil's the Matter; we are discovered. Here's a -couple of Women have done the most impertinent thing. Away, away, away, -away, away. - - [_Exit running._ - - _Re-enter Lady ~Fancyfull~ and ~Madamoiselle~._ - -_Lady Fan._ Well, _Madamoiselle_, 'tis a prodigious thing how Women can -suffer filthy Fellows to grow so familiar with 'em. - -Madam. _Ah Madame, il n'y a rien de si naturel._ - -_Lady Fan._ Fe, fe, fe! But, oh my Heart! O Jealousy! O Torture! I'm -upon the rack. What shall I do? My Lover's lost, I ne'er shall see -him mine. [_Pausing._]----But I may be reveng'd; and that's the same -thing. Ah sweet Revenge! Thou welcome Thought, thou healing Balsam to -my wounded Soul! Be but propitious on this one Occasion, I'll place my -Heaven in thee, for all my Life to come. - - To Woman how indulgent Nature's kind! - No Blast of Fortune long disturbs her Mind: - Compliance to her Fate supports her still; - If Love won't make her happy--Mischief will. - - [_Exeunt._ - - - - -+ACT+ V. - - -+SCENE+, _Lady_ Fancyfull's _House_. - - _Enter Lady ~Fancyfull~ and ~Madamoiselle~._ - -_Lady Fan._ Well, _Madamoiselle_, did you dog the filthy Things? - -Madam. _O que ouy, Madame._ - -_Lady Fan._ And where are they? - -Madam. _Au Logis._ - -_Lady Fan._ What, Men and all? - -Madam. _Tous ensemble._ - -_Lady Fan._ O Confidence! What, carry their Fellows to their own House? - -Madam. _C'est que le Mari n'y est pas._ - -_Lady Fan._ No; so I believe, truly. But he shall be there, and quickly -too, if I can find him out. Well, 'tis a prodigious thing, to see when -Men and Women get together, how they fortify one another in their -Impudence. But if that drunken Fool, her Husband, he to be found in -e'er a Tavern in Town, I'll send him amongst 'em: I'll spoil their -sport. - -Madam. _En verité, Madame, ce seroit domage._ - -_Lady Fan._ 'Tis in vain to oppose it, _Madamoiselle_; therefore never -go about it. For I am the steadiest Creature in the World--when I have -determin'd to do Mischief. So, come along. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _Sir ~John Brute~'s House_. - - _Enter ~Constant~, ~Heartfree~, Lady ~Brute~, ~Belinda~, and - ~Lovewell~._ - -_Lady Brute._ But are you sure you don't mistake, _Lovewell_? - -_Lov._ Madam, I saw 'em all go into the Tavern together, and my Master -was so drunk he cou'd scarce stand. - -_Lady Brute._ Then, Gentlemen, I believe we may venture to let you -stay, and play at Cards with us, an Hour or two: For they'll scarce -part till Morning. - -_Bel._ I think 'tis pity they should ever part. - -_Const._ The Company that's here, Madam. - -_Lady Brute._ Then, Sir, the Company that's here must remember to part -itself in time. - -_Const._ Madam, we don't intend to forfeit your future Favours by an -indiscreet Usage of this. The Moment you give us the Signal, we shan't -fail to make our Retreat. - -_Lady Brute._ Upon those Conditions, then, let us sit down to Cards. - - _Enter ~Lovewell~._ - -_Lov._ O Lord, Madam, here's my Master just staggering in upon you; -he has been quarrelsome yonder, and they have kick'd him out of the -Company. - -_Lady Brute._ Into the Closet, Gentlemen, for Heaven's sake; I'll -wheedle him to Bed, if possible. - - [_~Const.~ and ~Heart.~ run into the Closet._ - - _Enter Sir ~John~, all dirt and bloody._ - -_Lady Brute._ Ah----Ah----he's all over Blood! - -_Sir John._ What the plague does the Woman--squall for? Did you never -see a Man in Pickle before? - -_Lady Brute._ Lord, where have you been? - -_Sir John._ I have been at----Cuffs. - -_Lady Brute._ I fear that is not all. I hope you are not wounded. - -_Sir John._ Sound as a Roach, Wife. - -_Lady Brute._ I'm mighty glad to hear it. - -_Sir John._ You know--I think you lye. - -_Lady Brute._ You do me wrong to think so. For Heaven's my Witness; I -had rather see my own Blood trickle down, than yours. - -_Sir John._ Then will I be crucify'd. - -_Lady Brute._ 'Tis a hard Fate, I shou'd not be believ'd. - -_Sir John._ 'Tis a damn'd Atheistical Age, Wife. - -_Lady Brute._ I am sure I have given you a thousand tender Proofs, how -great my Care is of you. But, spite of all your cruel Thoughts, I'll -still persist, and at this Moment, if I can, persuade you to lie down -and sleep a little. - -_Sir John._ Why--do you think I am drunk--you Slut, you? - -_Lady Brute._ Heaven forbid I shou'd! But I'm afraid you are feverish. -Pray let me feel your Pulse. - -_Sir John._ Stand off, and be damn'd. - -_Lady Brute._ Why, I see your Distemper in your very Eyes. You are all -on Fire. Pray, go to Bed; let me intreat you. - -_Sir John._----Come, kiss me, then. - -_Lady Brute._ [_Kissing him._] There: Now go. [_Aside._] He stinks like -Poison. - -_Sir John._ I see it goes damnably against your Stomach--And -therefore--Kiss me again. - -_Lady Brute._ Nay, now you fool me. - -_Sir John._ Do't, I say. - -_Lady Brute._ [_Aside._] Ah, Lord have mercy upon me! Well--there: now -will you go? - -_Sir John._ Now, Wife, you shall see my Gratitude. You gave me two -Kisses--I'll give you--two hundred. - - [_Kisses, and tumbles her._ - -_Lady Brute._ O Lord! Pray, Sir John, be quiet. Heavens, what a Pickle -am I in! - -_Bel._ [_Aside._] If I were in her Pickle, I'd call my Gallant out of -the Closet, and he shou'd cudgel him soundly. - -_Sir John._ So, now you being as dirty and as nasty as myself, we may -go pig together. But first I must have a Cup of your cold Tea, Wife. - - [_Going to the Closet._ - -_Lady Brute._ O I'm ruin'd! There's none there, my Dear. - -_Sir John._ I'll warrant you I'll find some, my Dear. - -_Lady Brute._ You can't open the Door, the Lock's spoil'd; I have been -turning and turning the Key this half Hour to no purpose. I'll send for -the Smith to-morrow. - -_Sir John._ There's ne'er a Smith in _Europe_ can open a Door with -more Expedition than I can do----As for Example--Poh! [_He bursts -open the Door with his Foot._]----How now! What the Devil have we -got here?----_Constant_----_Heartfree_----And two Whores again, -I'gad----This is the worst cold Tea----that ever I met with in my -Life---- - - _Enter ~Constant~ and ~Heartfree~._ - -_Lady Brute._ [_Aside._] O Lord, what will become of us? - -_Sir John._ Gentlemen----I am your very humble Servant--I give you many -Thanks----I see you take Care of my Family----I shall do all I can to -return the Obligation. - -_Const._ Sir, how oddly soever this Business may appear to you, you -would have no cause to be uneasy, if you knew the Truth of all things; -your Lady is the most virtuous Woman in the World, and nothing has past -but an innocent Frolick. - -_Heart._ Nothing else, upon my Honour, Sir. - -_Sir John._ You are both very civil Gentlemen--And my Wife, there, is a -very civil Gentlewoman; therefore I don't doubt but many civil things -have past between you. Your very humble Servant. - -_Lady Brute._ [_Aside to ~Const~._] Pray be gone: He's so drunk he -can't hurt us to-night, and to-morrow Morning you shall hear from us. - -_Const._ I'll obey you, Madam. Sir, when you are cool, you'll -understand Reason better. So then I shall take the pains to inform -you. If not----I wear a Sword, Sir, and so good by t'ye. Come along, -_Heartfree_. - - [_Exit._ - -_Sir John._ Wear a Sword, Sir--And what of all that, Sir? He comes to -my House; eats my Meat; lies with my Wife; dishonours my Family; gets -a Bastard to inherit my Estate----And when I ask a civil Account of -all this--Sir, says he, I wear a Sword--Wear a Sword, Sir? Yes, Sir, -says he, I wear a Sword----It may be a good Answer at Cross-purposes; -but 'tis a damn'd one to a Man in my whimsical Circumstance----Sir, -says he, I wear a Sword! [_To Lady ~Brute~._] And what do you wear now? -ha! tell me. [_Sitting down in a great Chair._] What, you are modest, -and can't--Why, then, I'll tell you, you Slut, you. You wear----an -impudent, lewd Face----A damn'd designing Heart----And a Tail----and a -Tail full of----[_He falls fast asleep, snoaring._] - -_Lady Brute._ So; thanks to kind Heaven, he's fast for some Hours. - -_Bel._ 'Tis well he is so, that we may have time to lay our Story -handsomely; for we must lye like the Devil, to bring ourselves off. - -_Lady Brute._ What shall we say, _Belinda_? - -_Bel._ [_Musing._]----I'll tell you: It must all light upon _Heartfree_ -and I. We'll say he has courted me some time, but, for Reasons unknown -to us, has ever been very earnest the thing might be kept from Sir -_John_. That therefore hearing him upon the Stairs, he ran into the -Closet, tho' against our Will, and _Constant_ with him, to prevent -Jealousy. And to give this a good impudent Face of Truth, (that I may -deliver you from the trouble you are in) I'll e'en, if he pleases, -marry him. - -_Lady Brute._ I'm beholden to you, Cousin; but that wou'd be carrying -the Jest a little too far for your own sake: You know he's a younger -Brother, and has nothing. - -_Bel._ 'Tis true: But I like him, and have Fortune enough to keep above -Extremity: I can't say I would live with him in a Cell, upon Love and -Bread and Butter: But I had rather have the Man I love, and a middle -State of Life, than that Gentleman in the Chair there, and twice your -Ladyship's Splendour. - -_Lady Brute._ In truth, Niece, you are in the right on't; for I am -very uneasy with my Ambition. But, perhaps, had I married as you'll do, -I might have been as ill us'd. - -_Bel._ Some Risk, I do confess, there always is: But if a Man has the -least Spark either of Honour or Good-nature, he can never use a Woman -ill, that loves him, and makes his Fortune both. Yet I must own to -you, some little struggling I still have with this teazing Ambition -of ours; for Pride, you know, is as natural to a Woman, as 'tis to a -Saint. I can't help being fond of this Rogue; and yet it goes to my -Heart, to think I must never whisk to _Hyde-Park_ with above a Pair of -Horses; have no Coronet upon my Coach, nor a Page to carry up my Train. -But above all--that Business of Place--Well, taking place is a noble -Prerogative-- - -_Lady Brute._ Especially after a Quarrel-- - -_Bel._ Or of a Rival. But pray say no more on't, for fear I change my -Mind; for, o' my Conscience, wer't not for your Affair in the Balance, -I should go near to pick up some odious Man of Quality yet, and only -take poor _Heartfree_ for a Gallant. - -_Lady Brute._ Then him you must have, however things go? - -_Bel._ Yes. - -_Lady Brute._ Why, we may pretend what we will: but 'tis a hard matter -to live without the Man we love. - -_Bel._ Especially when we are married to the Man we hate. Pray tell me: -Do the Men of the Town ever believe us virtuous, when they see us do so? - -_Lady Brute._ O, no: Nor indeed, hardly, let us do what we will. The -most of them think, there is no such thing as Virtue, consider'd in -the strictest Notions of it; and therefore when you hear 'em say, -such a one is a Woman of Reputation, they only mean she's a Woman of -Discretion. For they consider we have no more Religion than they have, -nor so much Morality; and between you and I, _Belinda_, I'm afraid the -want of Inclination seldom protects any of us. - -_Bel._ But what think you of the Fear of being found out? - -_Lady Brute._ I think That never kept any Woman virtuous long. We -are not such Cowards, neither. No: Let us once pass Fifteen, and we -have too good an Opinion of our own Cunning, to believe the World can -penetrate into what we would keep a Secret. And so, in short, we cannot -reasonably blame the Men for judging of us by themselves. - -_Bel._ But sure we are not so wicked as they are, after all? - -_Lady Brute._ We are as wicked, Child, but our Vice lies another way: -Men have more Courage than we, so they commit more bold, impudent Sins. -They quarrel, fight, swear, drink, blaspheme, and the like: Whereas -we, being Cowards, only backbite, tell Lyes, cheat at Cards, and so -forth. But 'tis late: Let's end our Discourse for to-night, and, out of -an excess of Charity, take a small Care of that nasty, drunken Thing -there----Do but look at him, _Belinda_! - -_Bel._ Ah----'tis a savoury Dish. - -_Lady Brute._ As savoury as 'tis, I'm cloy'd with't. Pr'ythee call the -Butler to take it away. - -_Bel._ Call the Butler!----Call the Scavenger! [_To a Servant within._] -Who's there? Call _Rasor_! Let him take away his Master, scour him -clean with a little Sope and Sand, and so put him to Bed. - -_Lady Brute._ Come, _Belinda_, I'll e'en lie with you to-night; and in -the Morning we'll send for our Gentlemen to set this Matter even. - -_Bel._ With all my Heart. - -_Lady Brute._ Good Night, my Dear. - - [_Making a low Curtsy to Sir ~John~._ - -[_Both._] Ha, ha, ha! - - [_Exeunt._ - - _Enter ~Rasor~._ - -_Rasor._ My Lady there's a Wag--My Master there's a Cuckold. Marriage -is a slippery thing--Women have depraved Appetites.--My Lady's a Wag; I -have heard all; I have seen all; I understand all; and I'll tell all; -for my little _French-woman_ loves News dearly. This Story'll gain her -Heart, or nothing will. [_To his Master._] Come, Sir, your Head's too -full of Fumes at present, to make room for your Jealousy; but I reckon -we shall have rare work with you, when your Pate's empty. Come to your -Kennel, you cuckoldly, drunken Sot, you! - - [_Carries him out upon his Back._ - - -+SCENE+, _Lady_ Fancyfull's _House_. - - _Enter Lady ~Fancyfull~ and ~Madamoiselle~._ - -_Lady Fan._ But, why did not you tell me before, _Madamoiselle_, that -_Rasor_ and you were fond? - -_Madam._ De Modesty hinder me, Matam. - -_Lady Fan._ Why, truly, Modesty does often hinder us from doing things -we have an extravagant mind to. But does he love you well enough yet, -to do any thing you bid him? Do you think, to oblige you, he wou'd -speak Scandal? - -_Madam._ Matam, to oblige your Ladyship, he shall speak Blasphemy. - -_Lady Fan._ Why, then, _Madamoiselle_, I'll tell you what you shall -do. You shall engage him to tell his Master all that past at _Spring -Garden_: I have a mind he shou'd know what a Wife and a Niece he has -got. - -Madam. _Il le fera, Madame._ - - _Enter a Footman, who speaks to ~Madamoiselle~ apart._ - -_Foot._ _Madamoiselle_, yonder's Mr. _Rasor_ desires to speak with you. - -_Madam._ Tell him, I come presently. [_Exit Footman._] _Rasor_ be dare, -Matam. - -_Lady Fan._ That's fortunate. Well, I'll leave you together. And if you -find him stubborn, _Madamoiselle_--hark you--don't refuse him a few -little reasonable Liberties to put him into Humour. - -Madam. _Laissez moy faire._ - - [_Exit ~Lady~ Fancyfull._ - - [_~Rasor~ peeps in; and seeing Lady ~Fancyfull~ gone, runs - to ~Madamoiselle~, takes her about the Neck, and kisses her._ - -_Madam._ How now, Confidence? - -_Rasor._ How now, Modesty! - -_Madam._ Who make you so familiar, Sirrah? - -_Rasor._ My Impudence, Hussy. - -_Madam._ Stand off, Rogue-Face. - -_Rasor._ Ah----_Madamoiselle_----great News at our House. - -_Madam._ Why, vat be de matter? - -_Rasor._ The Matter?--Why, Uptails All's the Matter. - -Madam. _Tu te mocque de moy._ - -_Rasor._ Now do you long to know the Particulars: The Time when--The -Place where--The Manner how. But I don't tell you a Word more. - -_Madam._ Nay, den dou kill me, _Rasor_. - -_Rasor._ Come, kiss me, then. - - [_Clapping his Hands behind him._ - -_Madam._ Nay, pridee tell me. - -_Rasor._ Good by t' ye. - - [_Going._ - -_Madam._ Hold, hold: I will kiss dee. - - [_Kissing him._ - -_Rasor._ So, that's civil: Why, now, my pretty Poll, my Goldfinch, my -little Waterwagtail----you must know, that----Come, kiss me again. - -_Madam._ I won't kiss de no more. - -_Rasor._ Good by t' ye. - - [_Going._ - -Madam. _Doucement! ~Derre~: es tu content?_ - - [_Kissing him._ - -_Rasor._ So: Now I'll tell thee all. Why, the News is, That Cuckoldom -in Folio is newly printed; and Matrimony in Quarto is just going into -the Press. Will you buy any Books, _Madamoiselle_? - -Madam. _Tu parle comme un Libraire_; de Devil no understand dee. - -_Rasor._ Why, then, that I may make myself intelligible to a -Waiting-Woman, I'll speak like a Valet de Chambre. My Lady has -cuckolded my Master. - -Madam. _Bon._ - -_Rasor._ Which we take very ill from her Hands, I can tell her that. We -can't yet prove Matter of Fact upon her. - -Madam. _N'importe._ - -_Rasor._ But we can prove, that Matter of Fact had like to have been -upon her. - -Madam. _Ouy da._ - -_Rasor._ For we have such bloody Circumstances-- - -Madam. Sans doute. - -_Rasor._ That any Man of Parts may draw tickling Conclusions from 'em. - -Madam. _Fort bien._ - -_Rasor._ We found a couple of tight, well-built Gentlemen stufft into -her Ladyship's Closet. - -Madam. _Le Diable!_ - -_Rasor._ And I, in my particular Person, have discovered a most -damnable Plot, how to persuade my poor Master, that all this Hide and -Seek, this _Will_ in the _Whisp_, has no other meaning than a Christian -Marriage for sweet Mrs. _Belinda_. - -Madam. _Une Mariage?----Ah les Droles!_ - -_Rasor._ Don't you interrupt me, Hussy; 'tis agreed, I say. And my -innocent Lady, to wriggle herself out at the Back-door of the Business, -turns Marriage-Bawd to her Niece, and resolves to deliver up her fair -Body to be tumbled and mumbled by that young liquorish Whipster, -_Heartfree_. Now are you satisfy'd? - -_Madam._ No. - -_Rasor._ Right Woman; always gaping for more. - -_Madam._ Dis be all, den, dat dou know? - -_Rasor._ All? Aye, and a great deal, too, I think. - -_Madam._ Dou be Fool, dou know noting. _Ecoute, mon pauvre_ Rasor. Dou -sees des two Eyes?--Des two Eyes have see de Devil. - -_Rasor._ The Woman's mad. - -_Madam._ In _Spring-Garden_, dat Rogue _Constant_ meet dy Lady. - -Rasor. _Bon._ - -_Madam._----I'll tell dee no more. - -_Rasor._ Nay, pr'ythee, my Swan. - -_Madam._ Come, kiss me den. - - [_Clapping her Hands behind her as he did before._ - -_Rasor._ I won't kiss you, not I. - -_Madam._ Adieu. - - [_Going._ - -_Rasor._ Hold----Now proceed. - - [_Gives her a hearty Kiss._ - -Madam. _A ça_----I hide myself in one cunning Place, where I hear all, -and see all. First, dy drunken Master come _mal a propos_; but de Sot -no know his own dear Wife, so he leave her to her Sport--Den de Game -begin. De Lover say soft ting: De Lady look upon de Ground. [_As she -speaks, ~Rasor~ still acts the Man, and she the Woman._] He take her by -de Hand: She turn her Head on oder Way. Den he squeeze very hard: Den -she pull----very softly. Den he take her in his Arm: Den she give him -leetel pat. Den he kiss her Tettons. Den she say--Pish, nay see. Den he -tremble: Den she--sigh. Den he pull her into de Arbour: Den she pinch -him. - -_Rasor._ Aye, but not so hard, you Baggage, you. - -_Madam._ Den he grow bold: She grow weak, he tro her down, _il tombe -dessu, le Diable assiste, il emport tout_. [_~Rasor~ struggles with -her, as if he would throw her down._] Stand off, Sirrah! - -_Rasor._ You have set me a-fire, you Jade, you. - -_Madam._ Den go to de River, and quench dy self. - -_Rasor._ What an unnatural Harlot 'tis! - -_Madam._ _Rasor._ - - [_Looking languishingly on him._ - -_Rasor._ _Madamoiselle._ - -_Madam._ Dou no love me. - -_Rasor._ Not love thee?--More than a _Frenchman_ does Soup. - -_Madam._ Den dou will refuse nothing dat I bid dee? - -_Rasor._ Don't bid me be damn'd, then. - -_Madam._ No, only tell dy Master all I have tell dee of dy Laty. - -_Rasor._ Why, you little, malicious Strumpet, you, shou'd you like to -be serv'd so? - -_Madam._ Dou dispute den?--Adieu. - -_Rasor._ Hold--But why wilt thou make me such a Rogue, my Dear? - -Madam. _Voila un vrai Anglois! Il est amoureux, et cependant il veut -raisonner. Va t'en au Diable._ - -_Rasor._ Hold once more: In hopes thou'lt give me up thy Body, I resign -thee my Soul. - -Madam. _Bon, ecoute donc_;----If dou fail me----I never see de -more----If dou obey me----_Je m'abandonne a toy._ [_She takes him about -the Neck, and gives him a smacking Kiss._] - - [_Exit ~Madamoiselle~._ - -_Rasor._ [_Licking his Lips._] Not be a Rogue?----_Amor vincit Omnia._ - - [_Exit ~Rasor~._ - - _Enter Lady ~Fancyfull~ and ~Madamoiselle~._ - -_Lady Fan._ Marry, say ye? Will the two Things marry? - -Madam. _On le va faire, Madame._ - -_Lady Fan._ Look you, _Madamoiselle_--In short, I can't bear it----No; -I find I can't--If once I see 'em a-bed together, I shall have ten -thousand Thoughts in my Head will make me run distracted. Therefore -run and call _Rasor_ back immediately; for something must be done to -stop this impertinent Wedding. If I can but defer it four-and-twenty -Hours, I'll make such Work about Town, with that little pert Slut's -Reputation, he shall as soon marry a Witch. - -Madam. [_Aside._] _La voilà bien intentionnée._ - - [Exeunt. - - -+SCENE+, _~Constant~'s Lodgings_. - - _Enter ~Constant~ and ~Heartfree~._ - -_Const._ But what dost think will become of this Business? - -_Heart._ 'Tis easier to think what will not come on't. - -_Const._ What's that? - -_Heart._ A Challenge. I know the Knight too well for that; his dear -Body will always prevail upon his noble Soul to be quiet. - -_Const._ But tho' he dare not challenge me, perhaps he may venture to -challenge his Wife. - -_Heart._ Not if you whisper him in the Ear, you won't have him do't; -and there's no other way left, that I see. For as drunk as he was, -he'll remember you and I were where we shou'd not be; and I don't think -him quite Blockhead enough yet to be persuaded we were got into his -Wife's Closet only to peep into her Prayer-Book. - - _Enter a Servant with a Letter._ - -_Serv._ Sir, here's a Letter; a Porter brought it. - -_Const._ O ho, here's Instructions for us. - -_Reads:_ - - _The Accident that has happen'd has touch'd our Invention to the - quick. We wou'd fain come off, without your help; but find that's - impossible. In a Word, the whole Business must be thrown upon a - Matrimonial Intrigue between your Friend and mine. But if the - Parties are not fond enough to go quite through with the matter, - 'tis sufficient for our Turn, they own the Design. We'll find - Pretences enough to break the Match._ - - Adieu. - -----Well, Woman for Invention! How long wou'd my Block-Head have been -producing this!----Hey, _Heartfree_? What, musing, Man? Pr'ythee be -chearful. What say'st thou, Friend, to this matrimonial Remedy? - -_Heart._ Why, I say, 'tis worse than the Disease. - -_Const._ Here's a Fellow for you! There's Beauty and Money on her Side, -and Love up to the Ears on his: and yet---- - -_Heart._ And yet, I think, I may reasonably be allow'd to boggle at -marrying the Niece, in the very Moment that you are debauching the Aunt. - -_Const._ Why, truly, there may be something in that. But have not you a -good Opinion enough of your own Parts, to believe you cou'd keep a Wife -to yourself? - -_Heart._ I shou'd have, if I had a good Opinion enough of her's, to -believe she cou'd do as much by me. For to do 'em right, after all, the -Wife seldom rambles, till the Husband shews her the way. - -_Const._ 'Tis true, a Man of real Worth scarce ever is a Cuckold, but -by his own Fault. Women are not naturally lewd; there must be something -to urge 'em to it. They'll cuckold a Churl, out of Revenge; a Fool, -because they despise him; a Beast, because they loath him. But when -they make bold with a Man they once had a well-grounded Value for, 'tis -because they first see themselves neglected by him. - -_Heart._ Nay, were I well assured that I should never grow Sir _John_, -I ne'er shou'd fear _Belinda_, wou'd play my Lady. But our Weakness, -thou knowest, my Friend, consists in that very Change we so impudently -throw upon (indeed) a steadier and more generous Sex. - -_Const._ Why, 'faith, we are a little impudent in that matter, that's -the truth on't. But this is wonderful, to see you grown so warm an -Advocate for those whom (but t'other Day) you took so much Pains to -abuse. - -_Heart._ All Revolutions run into Extremes; the Bigot makes the boldest -Atheist; and the coyest Saint, the most extravagant Strumpet. But, -pr'ythee, advise me in this Good and Evil, this Life and Death, this -Blessing and Cursing, that's set before me. Shall I marry, or die a -Maid? - -_Const._ Why, 'faith, _Heartfree_, Matrimony is like an Army going -to engage. Love's the forlorn Hope, which is soon cut off; the -Marriage-Knot is the main Body, which may stand buff a long, long time; -and Repentance is the Rear-Guard, which rarely gives ground as long as -the main Body has a Being. - -_Heart._ Conclusion, then; you advise me to whore on, as you do. - -_Const._ That's not concluded yet. For tho' Marriage be a Lottery, in -which there are a wondrous many Blanks; yet there is one inestimable -Lot, in which the only Heaven on Earth is written. Wou'd your kind -Fate but guide your Hand to that, tho' I were wrapt in all that Luxury -itself could clothe me with, I still shou'd envy you. - -_Heart._ And justly, too; for to be capable of loving one, doubtless, -is better than to possess a thousand. But how far that Capacity's in -me, alas! I know not. - -_Const._ But you wou'd know. - -_Heart._ I wou'd so. - -_Const._ Matrimony will inform you. Come, one Flight of Resolution -carries you to the Land of Experience; where, in a very moderate time, -you'll know the Capacity of your Soul and your Body both, or I'm -mistaken. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _Sir ~John Brute~'s House_. - - _Enter Lady ~Brute~ and ~Belinda~._ - -_Bel._ Well, Madam, what Answer have you from 'em? - -_Lady Brute._ That they'll be here this Moment. I fancy 'twill end in -a Wedding: I'm sure he's a Fool if it don't. Ten thousand Pounds, and -such a Lass as you are, is no contemptible Offer to a younger Brother. -But are not you under strange Agitations? Pr'ythee, how does your Pulse -beat? - -_Bel._ High and low, I have much ado to be valiant: sure it must feel -very strange to go to Bed to a Man? - -_Lady Brute._ Um----it does feel a little odd at first; but it will -soon grow easy to you. - - _Enter ~Constant~ and ~Heartfree~._ - -_Lady Brute._ Good-morrow, Gentlemen: How have you slept after your -Adventure? - -_Heart._ Some careful Thoughts, Ladies, on your accounts, have kept us -waking. - -_Bel._ And some careful Thoughts on your own, I believe, have hindered -you from sleeping. Pray how does this matrimonial Project relish with -you? - -_Heart._ Why, 'faith, e'en as storming Towns does with Soldiers, where -the Hope of delicious Plunder banishes the Fear of being knock'd on the -Head. - -_Bel._ Is it then possible, after all, that you dare think of downright -lawful Wedlock? - -_Heart._ Madam, you have made me so fool-hardy, I dare do any thing. - -_Bel._ Then, Sir, I challenge you; and Matrimony's the Spot where I -expect you. - -_Heart._ 'Tis enough; I'll not fail. [_Aside._] So, now, I am in for -_Hobbes_'s Voyage; a great Leap in the Dark. - -_Lady Brute._ Well, Gentlemen, this Matter being concluded then, have -you got your Lessons ready? for Sir _John_ is grown such an Atheist of -late, he'll believe nothing upon easy Terms. - -_Const._ We'll find ways to extend his Faith, Madam. But pray how do -you find him this Morning? - -_Lady Brute._ Most lamentably morose, chewing the Cud after last -Night's Discovery, of which, however, he had but a confus'd Notion e'en -now. But I'm afraid the Valet de Chambre has told him all; for they -are very busy together at this Moment. When I told him of _Belinda_'s -Marriage, I had no other Answer but a Grunt: From which, you may draw -what Conclusions you think fit. But to your Notes, Gentlemen, he's here. - - _Enter Sir ~John~ and ~Rasor~._ - -_Const._ Good-morrow, Sir. - -_Heart._ Good-morrow, Sir _John_; I'm very sorry my Indiscretion shou'd -cause so much Disorder in your Family. - -_Sir John._ Disorders generally come from Indiscretion, Sir; 'tis no -strange thing at all. - -_Lady Brute._ I hope, my Dear, you are satisfied there was no wrong -intended you. - -_Sir John._ None, my Dove. - -_Bel._ If not, I hope my Consent to marry Mr. _Heartfree_ will convince -you. For as little as I know of Amours, Sir, I can assure you, one -Intrigue is enough to bring four People together, without further -Mischief. - -_Sir John._ And I know too, that Intrigues tend to Procreation of more -kinds than one. One Intrigue will beget another, as soon as beget a Son -or a Daughter. - -_Const._ I am very sorry, Sir, to see you still seem unsatisfy'd with a -Lady, whose more than common Virtue, I am sure were she my Wife, shou'd -meet a better Usage. - -_Sir John._ Sir, if her Conduct has put a Trick upon her Virtue, her -Virtue's the Bubble, but her Husband's the Loser. - -_Const._ Sir, you have receiv'd a sufficient Answer already, to justify -both her Conduct and mine. You'll pardon me for meddling in your -Family-affairs; but I perceive I am the Man you are jealous of, and -therefore it concerns me. - -_Sir John._ Wou'd it did not concern me, and then I shou'd not care who -it concern'd. - -_Const._ Well, Sir, if Truth and Reason won't content you, I know but -one way more, which, if you think fit, you may take. - -_Sir John._ Lord, Sir, you are very hasty! If I had been found at -Prayers in your Wife's Closet, I should have allow'd you twice as much -time to come to yourself in. - -_Const._ Nay, Sir, if Time be all you want, we have no Quarrel. - -_Heart._ I told you how the Sword wou'd work upon him. - - [_Sir ~John~ muses._ - -_Const._ Let him muse; however, I'll lay fifty Pound our Foreman brings -us in, Not Guilty. - -_Sir John._ [_Aside._] 'Tis well----'tis very well----In spite of -that young Jade's matrimonial Intrigue, I am a downright stinking -Cuckold----Here they are----Boo----[_Putting his hand to his -Forehead._] Methinks, I could butt with a Bull. What the Plague did I -marry her for? I knew she did not like me; if she had, she wou'd have -lain with me; for I wou'd have done so, because I lik'd her; but that's -past, and I have her. And now, what shall I do with her?----If I put -my Horns into my Pocket, she'll grow insolent----if I don't, that Goat -there, that Stallion, is ready to whip me thro' the Guts.--The Debate -then is reduced to this: Shall I die a Hero, or live a Rascal?----Why, -wiser Men than I have long since concluded, that a living Dog is better -than a dead Lion.----[_To ~Const.~ and ~Heart.~_] Gentlemen, now my -Wine and my Passion are governable, I must own, I have never observ'd -any Thing in my Wife's Course of Life, to back me in my Jealousy of -her: But Jealousy's a Mark of Love; so she need not trouble her Head -about it, as long as I make no more Words on't. - - _Lady ~Fancyfull~ enters disguis'd, and addresses to ~Belinda~ - apart._ - -_Const._ I'm glad to see your Reason rule at last. Give me your Hand: I -hope you'll look upon me as you are wont. - -_Sir John._ Your humble Servant. [_Aside._] A wheedling Son of a Whore! - -_Heart._ And that I may be sure you are Friends with me, too, pray give -me your Consent to wed your Niece. - -_Sir John._ Sir, you have it with all my Heart: Damn me if you han't. -[_Aside._] 'Tis time to get rid of her: A young, pert Pimp; she'll make -an incomparable Bawd in a little time. - - _Enter a Servant, who gives ~Heartfree~ a Letter._ - -_Bel._ _Heartfree_ your Husband, say you? 'Tis impossible. - -_Lady Fan._ Wou'd to kind Heaven it were! But 'tis too true; and in -the World there lives not such a Wretch. I'm young; and either I have -been flatter'd by my Friends, as well as Glass, or Nature has been -kind and generous to me. I had a Fortune, too, was greater far than he -could ever hope for; but with my Heart I am robb'd of all the rest. -I am slighted and I'm beggar'd both at once: I have scarce a bare -Subsistence from the Villain, yet dare complain to none; for he has -sworn if e'er 'tis known I'm his Wife, he'll murder me. - - [_Weeping._ - -_Bel._ The Traitor! - -_Lady Fan._ I accidentally was told he courted you: Charity soon -prevail'd upon me to prevent your Misery: And, as you see, I'm still so -generous even to him, as not to suffer he should do a thing for which -the Law might take away his Life. - - [_Weeping._ - -_Bel._ Poor Creature! how I pity her! - - [_They continue talking aside._ - -_Heart._ [_Aside._] Death and Damnation!----Let me read it again. -[Reads.] _Tho' I have a particular reason not to let you know who I am -till I see you; yet you'll easily believe 'tis a faithful Friend that -gives you this Advice. I have lain with ~Belinda (Good!)~--I have a -Child by her ~(Better and better!)~ which is now at Nurse; ~(Heaven -be prais'd)~ and I think the Foundation laid for another: ~(Ha!--Old -Truepenny!)~--No Rack cou'd have tortur'd this Story from me; but -Friendship has done it. I heard of your Design to marry her, and cou'd -not see you abus'd. Make use of my Advice, but keep my Secret till I -ask you for't again. Adieu._ - - [_Exit Lady ~Fancyfull~._ - -_Const._ [_To ~Bel~._] Come, Madam, shall we send for the Parson? I -doubt here's no Business for the Lawyer: Younger Brothers have nothing -to settle but their Hearts, and that I believe my Friend here has -already done very faithfully. - -_Bel._ [_Scornfully._] Are you sure, Sir, there are no old Mortgages -upon it? - -_Heart._ [_Coldly._] If you think there are, Madam, it mayn't be amiss -to defer the Marriage till you are sure they are paid off. - -_Bel._ [_Aside._] How the gall'd Horse kicks! - -[_To_ Heart.] We'll defer it as long as you please, Sir. - -_Heart._ The more time we take to consider on't, Madam, the less apt we -shall be to commit Oversights; therefore, if you please, we will put it -off for just nine Months. - -_Bel._ Guilty Consciences make Men Cowards; I don't wonder you want -time to resolve. - -_Heart._ And they make Women desperate; I don't wonder you are so -quickly determin'd. - -_Bel._ What does the Fellow mean? - -_Heart._ What does the Lady mean? - -_Sir John._ Zoons, what do you both mean? - - [_~Heart.~ and ~Bel.~ walk chasing about._ - -_Rasor._ [_Aside._] Here is so much Sport going to be spoil'd, it makes -me ready to weep again. A Pox o' this impertinent Lady _Fancyfull_, and -her Plots, and her _French-woman_ too; she's a whimsical, ill-natur'd -Bitch, and when I have got my Bones broke in her Service, 'tis ten to -one but my Recompence is a Clap; I hear them tittering without still. -I'cod, I'll e'en go lug them both in by the Ears, and discover the -Plot, to secure my Pardon. - - [_Exit ~Rasor~._ - -_Const._ Pr'ythee, explain, _Heartfree_. - -_Heart._ A fair Deliverance; thank my Stars and my Friend. - -_Bel._ 'Tis well it went no farther; a base Fellow! - -_Lady Brute._ What can be the meaning of all this? - -_Bel._ What's his Meaning, I don't know; but mine is, that if I had -married him----I had had no Husband. - -_Heart._ And what's her Meaning I don't know; but mine is, that if I -had married her--I had had Wife enough. - -_Sir John._ Your People of Wit have got such cramp ways of expressing -themselves, they seldom comprehend one another. Pox take you both, will -you speak that you may be understood! - - _Enter ~Rasor~ in Sackcloth, pulling in ~Lady Fancyfull~ - and ~Madamoiselle~._ - -_Rasor._ If they won't, here comes an Interpreter. - -_Lady Brute._ Heavens! what have we here? - -_Rasor._ A Villain----but a repenting Villain. Stuff which Saints in -all Ages have been made of. - -_All._ Rasor! - -_Lady Brute._ What means this sudden Metamorphose? - -_Rasor._ Nothing, without my Pardon. - -_Lady Brute._ What Pardon do you want? - -_Rasor._ _Imprimis_, Your Ladyship's; for a damnable Lie made upon -your spotless Virtue, and set to the Tune of _Spring-Garden_. [_To Sir -~John~._] Next, at my generous Master's Feet I bend, for interrupting -his more noble Thoughts with Phantoms of disgraceful Cuckoldom. [_To -~Const~._] Thirdly, I to this Gentleman apply, for making him the Hero -of my Romance. [_To ~Heart~._] Fourthly, your Pardon, noble Sir, I -ask, for clandestinely marrying you, without either bidding of Banns, -Bishop's Licence, Friends Consent----or your own Knowledge. [_To -~Bel~._] And, lastly, to my good young Lady's Clemency I come, for -pretending the Corn was sow'd in the Ground, before ever the Plough had -been in the Field. - -_Sir John._ [_Aside._] So that, after all, 'tis a moot point, whether I -am a Cuckold or not. - -_Bel._ Well, Sir, upon Condition you confess all, I'll pardon you -myself, and try to obtain as much from the rest of the Company. But I -must know, then, who 'tis has put you upon all this Mischief? - -_Rasor._ Satan, and his Equipage; Woman tempted me, Lust weakened -me----and so the Devil over-came me; as fell _Adam_, so fell I. - -_Bel._ Then pray, Mr. _Adam_, will you make us acquainted with your -_Eve_? - -_Rasor._ [_To ~Madam~._] Unmask, for the Honour of _France_. - -_All._ Madamoiselle! - -_Madam._ Me ask ten tousand Pardon of all de good Company. - -_Sir John._ Why, this Mystery thickens, instead of clearing up. [_To -~Rasor~._] You Son of a Whore, you, put us out of our Pain. - -_Rasor._ One Moment brings Sunshine. [_Shewing ~Madam~._] 'Tis true, -this is the Woman that tempted me, but this is the Serpent that -tempted the Woman; and if my Prayers might be heard, her Punishment -for so doing shou'd be like the Serpent's of old--[_Pulls off Lady -~Fancyfull~'s Mask._] She should lie upon her Face all the Days of her -Life. - -_All._ Lady _Fancyfull_! - -_Bel._ Impertinent! - -_Lady Brute._ Ridiculous! - -_All._ Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! - -_Bel._ I hope your Ladyship will give me leave to wish you Joy, since -you have own'd your Marriage yourself--[_To ~Heart~._] I vow 'twas -strangely wicked in you to think of another Wife, when you had one -already so charming as her Ladyship. - -_All._ Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! - -_Lady Fan._ [_Aside._] Confusion seize 'em, as it seizes me! - -Madam. _Que le Diable e toute ce Mauraut de ~Rasor~._ - -_Bel._ Your Ladyship seems disorder'd: A breeding Qualm, perhaps, Mr. -_Heartfree_: Your Bottle of Hungary Water to your Lady. Why, Madam, he -stands as unconcern'd, as if he were your Husband in earnest. - -_Lady Fan._ Your Mirth's as nauseous as yourself. _Belinda_, you think -you triumph over a Rival now: _Helas! ma pauvre fille._ Where'er I'm -Rival, there's no Cause for Mirth. No, my poor Wretch, 'tis from -another Principle I have acted. I knew that Thing there wou'd make -so perverse a Husband, and you so impertinent a Wife, that left your -mutual Plagues should make you both run mad, I charitably would have -broke the Match. He! he! he! he! he! - - [_Exit, laughing affectedly, ~Madamoiselle~ following her._ - -_Madam._ He! he! he! he! he! - -_All._ Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! - -_Sir John._ [_Aside._] Why, now, this Woman will be married to -somebody, too. - -_Bel._ Poor Creature! what a Passion she's in! But I forgive her. - -_Heart._ Since you have so much Goodness for her, I hope you'll pardon -my Offence, too, Madam. - -_Bel._ There will be no great Difficulty in that, since I am guilty of -an equal Fault. - -_Heart._ Then Pardons being past on all sides, pray let's to Church to -conclude the Day's Work. - -_Const._ But before you go, let me treat you, pray, with a Song a -new-married Lady made within this Week; it may be of use to you both. - - SONG. - - I. - - _When yielding first to ~Damon's~ Flame, - I sunk into his Arms; - He swore he'd ever be the same, - Then rifled all my Charms. - But fond of what he'd long desir'd, - Too greedy of his Prey, - My Shepherd's Flame, alas! expir'd - Before the Verge of Day._ - - II. - - _My Innocence in Lovers Wars - Reproach'd his quick Defeat; - Confus'd, asham'd, and bath'd in Tears, - I mourn'd his cold Retreat. - At length, Ah Shepherdess! cry'd he, - Wou'd you my Fire renew, - Alas, you must retreat like me, - I'm lost if you pursue._ - -_Heart._ So, Madam; now had the Parson but done his Business---- - -_Bel._ You'd be half weary of your Bargain. - -_Heart._ No, sure, I might dispense with one Night's Lodging. - -_Bel._ I'm ready to try, Sir. - -_Heart._ Then let's to Church: And if it be our Chance to disagree---- - -_Bel._ Take heed--the surly Husband's Fate you see. - - [_Exeunt omnes._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -EPILOGUE, - - - By Another Hand. - - Spoken by Lady =Brute= and =Belinda=. - - Lady Brute. _No Epilogue_! - - _Belinda._ _I swear I know of none._ } - _Lord! How shall we excuse it to the Town?_ } - - _Bel._ _Why, we must e'en say something of our own._ } - - Lady Brute. _Our own! Ay, that must needs be precious stuff._ - - _Bel._ _I'll lay my Life, they'll like it well enough. - Come, faith, begin----_ - - Lady Brute. _Excuse me, after you._ - - _Bel._ _Nay, pardon me for that, I know my Cue._ - - Lady Brute. _O for the World, I would not have Precedence._ - - _Bel._ _O Lord!_ - - Lady Brute. _I swear----_ - - _Bel._ _O fye!_ - - Lady Brute. _I'm all Obedience. - First then, know all, before our Doom is fixt, - The Third Day is for us----_ - - _Bel._ _Nay, and the Sixth._ - - Lady Brute. _We speak not from the Poet now, nor is it - His Cause--(I want a Rhyme)_ - - _Bel._ _That we sollicit._ - - Lady Brute. _Then sure you cannot have the Hearts to be severe - And damn us----_ - - _Bel._ _Damn us! Let 'em if they dare._ - - Lady Brute. _Why, if they should, what Punishment remains?_ - - _Bel._ _Eternal Exile from behind our Scenes._ - - Lady Brute. _But if they're kind, that Sentence we'll recal. - We can be grateful----_ - - _Bel._ _And have wherewithal._ - - Lady Brute. _But at Grand ~Treaties~ hope not to be trusted, - Before ~Preliminaries~ are adjusted._ - - _Bel._ _You know the Time, and we appoint the Place; - Where, if you please, we'll meet and sign the Peace._ - -[Illustration] - - Upon the revival of this Play in 1725, Sir _John Vanbrugh_ - thought proper to write the two following Scenes, in the room of - those printed Page 166,-168, 173, _&c. &c._ - - - - -+ACT+ IV. - - -+SCENE+, _Covent-Garden_. - - _Enter Lord ~Rake~, Sir ~John~, &c. with Swords drawn._ - -_Lord Rake._ Is the Dog dead? - -_Col. Bully._ No, damn him, I heard him wheeze. - -_Lord Rake._ How the Witch his Wife howl'd? - -_Col. Bully._ Aye, she'll alarm the Watch presently. - -_Lord Rake._ Appear, Knight, then: Come, you have a good Cause to fight -for, there's a Man murder'd. - -_Sir John._ Is there? Then let his Ghost be satisfy'd: for I'll -sacrifice a Constable to it presently, and burn his Body upon his -wooden Chair. - - _Enter a Taylor, with a Bundle under his Arm._ - -_Col. Bully._ How now! what have we got here? A Thief? - -_Taylor._ No an't please you, I'm no Thief. - -_Lord Rake._ That we'll see presently: Here! let the General examine -him. - -_Sir John._ Ay, ay, let me examine him; and I'll lay a hundred -Pound I find him guilty in spite of his Teeth----for he looks--like -a----sneaking Rascal. Come, Sirrah, without Equivocation or mental -Reservation, tell me of what Opinion you are, and what Calling; for by -them----I shall guess at your Morals. - -_Taylor._ An't please you, I'm a Dissenting Journeyman Woman's Taylor. - -_Sir John._ Then, Sirrah, you love Lying by your Religion, and Theft -by your Trade: And so, that your Punishment may be suitable to your -Crimes----I'll have you first gagg'd----and then hang'd. - -_Tayl._ Pray, good worthy Gentlemen, don't abuse me: Indeed I'm an -honest Man, and a good Workman, tho' I say it, that shou'd not say it. - -_Sir John._ No Words, Sirrah, but attend your Fate. - -_Lord Rake._ Let me see what's in that Bundle. - -_Tayl._ An't please you, it's my Lady's short Cloak and Sack. - -_Sir John._ What Lady, you Reptile, you? - -_Tayl._ My Lady _Brute_, an't please your Honour. - -_Sir John._ My Lady _Brute_! my Wife! the Robe of my Wife--with -Reverence let me approach it. The dear Angel is always taking Care of -me in Danger, and has sent me this Suit of Armour to protect me in this -Day of Battle; on they go. - -_All._ O brave Knight! - -_Lord Rake._ Live _Don Quixote_ the Second! - -_Sir John._ _Sancho_, my 'Squire, help me on with my Armour. - -_Tayl._ O dear Gentlemen! I shall be quite undone if you take the Sack. - -_Sir John._ Retire, Sirrah! and since you carry off your Skin, go home -and be happy. - -_Tayl._ I think I'd e'en as good follow the Gentleman's Advice, for -if I dispute any longer, who knows but the whim may take 'em to case -me--These Courtiers are fuller of Tricks than they are of Money: -they'll sooner break a Man's Bones, than pay his Bill. - - [_Exit ~Tayl~._ - -_Sir John._ So! how d'ye like my shapes now? - -_Lord Rake._ To a Miracle! He looks like a Queen of the _Amazons_--But -to your Arms! Gentlemen! The Enemy's upon their March--here's the -Watch-- - -_Sir John._ 'Oons! if it were _Alexander_ the Great, at the Head of -his Army, I would drive him into a Horse-Pond. - -_All._ Huzza! O brave Knight! - - _Enter Watchmen._ - -_Sir John._ See! Here he comes, with all his _Greeks_ about him--Follow -me, Boys. - -_Watch._ Hey-dey! Who have we got here?--Stand. - -_Sir John._ May-hap not! - -_Watch._ What are you all doing here in the Streets at this time -o'night? And who are you, Madam, that seem to be at the Head of this -noble Crew? - -_Sir John._ Sirrah, I am _Bonduca_, Queen of the _Welchmen_; and with a -Leek as long as my Pedigree, I will destroy your _Roman_ Legion in an -Instant--_Britons_, strike home. - - [_They fight off. ~Watch.~ return with Sir ~John~._ - -_Watch._ So! We have got the Queen, however! We'll make her pay well -for her Ransom--Come, Madam, will your Majesty please to walk before -the Constable? - -_Sir John._ The Constable's a Rascal! And you are a Son of a Whore! - -_Watch._ A most noble Reply, truly! If this be her royal Style, I'll -warrant her Maids of Honour prattle prettily: But we'll teach you some -of our Court Dialect before we part with you, Princess--Away with her -to the Round-house. - -_Sir John._ Hands off, you Ruffians! My Honour's dearer to me than my -Life; I hope you won't be uncivil. - -_Watch._ Away with her. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _A Street_. - - _Enter Constable and Watchmen, with Sir ~John~._ - -_Constab._ Come, forsooth, come along, if you please! I once in -Compassion thought to have seen you safe home this Morning: But you -have been so rampant and abusive all Night, I shall see what the -Justice of Peace will say to you. - -_Sir John._ And you shall see what I'll say to the Justice of Peace. - - [_~Watchman~ knocks at the Door._ - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Constab._ Is Mr. Justice at home? - -_Serv._ Yes. - -_Constab._ Pray acquaint his Worship we have got an unruly Woman here, -and desire to know what he'll please to have done with her. - -_Serv._ I'll acquaint my Master. - - [_Exit Serv._ - -_Sir John._ Hark you, Constable, what cuckoldly Justice is this? - -_Const._ One that knows how to deal with such Romps as you are, I'll -warrant you. - - _Enter Justice._ - -_Just._ Well, Mr. Constable, what is the matter there? - -_Const._ An't please your Worship, this here comical sort of a -Gentlewoman has committed great Outrages to-night. She has been -frolicking with my Lord _Rake_ and his Gang; they attacked the Watch, -and I hear there has been a Man kill'd: I believe 'tis they have done -it. - -_Sir John._ Sir, there may have been Murder, for aught I know; and 'tis -a great Mercy there has not been a Rape too--that Fellow wou'd have -ravish'd me. - -_2d Watch._ Ravish! Ravish! O lud! O lud! O lud! Ravish her! Why, -please your Worship, I heard Mr. Constable say he believed she was -little better than a Maphrodite. - -_Just._ Why, truly, she does seem a little masculine about the Mouth. - -_2d Watch._ Yes, and about the Hands too, an't please your Worship; -I did but offer in mere civility to help her up the Steps into our -Apartment, and with her gripen Fist--ay, just so, Sir. - - [_Sir ~John~ knocks him down._ - -_Sir John._ I fell'd him to the Ground like an Ox. - -_Just._ Out upon this boisterous Woman! Out upon her. - -_Sir John._ Mr. Justice, he wou'd have been uncivil! It was in Defence -of my Honour, and I demand Satisfaction. - -_2d Watch._ I hope your Worship will satisfy her Honour in Bridewell; -that Fist of hers will make an admirable Hemp-beater. - -_Sir John._ Sir, I hope you will protect me against that libidinous -Rascal; I am a Woman of Quality and Virtue too, for all I am in an -Undress this Morning. - -_Just._ Why, she has really the Air of a Sort of a Woman a little -something out of the common----Madam, if you expect I shou'd be -favourable to you, I desire I may know who you are. - -_Sir John._ Sir, I am any body, at your Service. - -_Just._ Lady, I desire to know your Name? - -_Sir John._ Sir, my Name's _Mary_. - -_Just._ Ay, but your Sur-name, Madam? - -_Sir John._ Sir, my Sur-name's the very same with my Husband's. - -_Just._ A strange Woman this! Who is your Husband, pray? - -_Sir John._ Sir _John_. - -_Just._ Sir _John_ who? - -_Sir John._ Sir _John Brute_. - -_Just._ Is it possible, Madam, you can be my Lady _Brute_? - -_Sir John._ That happy Woman, Sir, am I; only a little in my Merriment -to-night. - -_Just._ I am concern'd for Sir _John_. - -_Sir John._ Truly, so am I. - -_Just._ I have heard he's an honest Gentleman---- - -_Sir John._ As ever drank. - -_Just._ Good lack! Indeed, Lady, I'm sorry he has such a Wife. - -_Sir John._ I am sorry he has any Wife at all. - -_Just._ And so perhaps may he----I doubt you have not given him a very -good Taste of Matrimony. - -_Sir John._ Taste, Sir! Sir, I have scorn'd to stint him to a Taste, I -have given him a full Meal of it. - -_Just._ Indeed I believe so! But pray, fair Lady, may he have given -you any Occasion for this extraordinary Conduct?--Does he not use you -well? - -_Sir John._ A little upon the rough sometimes. - -_Just._ Ay, any Man may be out of Humour now and then. - -_Sir John._ Sir, I love Peace and Quiet, and when a Woman don't find -that at home, she's apt sometimes to comfort herself with a few -innocent Diversions abroad. - -_Just._ I doubt he uses you but too well. Pray how does he as to that -weighty thing, Money? Does he allow you what is proper of that? - -_Sir John._ Sir, I have generally enough to pay the reckoning, if this -Son of a Whore of a Drawer wou'd but bring his Bill. - -_Just._ A strange Woman this--Does he spend a reasonable Portion of his -time at home, to the Comfort of his Wife and Children? - -_Sir John._ He never gave his Wife cause to repine at his being abroad -in his Life. - -_Just._ Pray, Madam, how may he be in the grand matrimonial Point----Is -he true to your Bed? - -_Sir John._ Chaste! Oons! This Fellow asks so many impertinent -Questions! I'gad, I believe it is the Justice's Wife in the Justice's -Clothes. - -_Just._ 'Tis a great pity he should have been thus disposed of--Pray, -Madam, (and then I've done) what may be your Ladyship's common Method -of Life, if I may presume so far? - -_Sir John._ Why, Sir, much that of a Woman of Quality. - -_Just._ Pray how may you generally pass your time, Madam? Your Morning, -for example. - -_Sir John._ Sir, like a Woman of Quality----I wake about two o'Clock in -the Afternoon----I stretch--and make a sign for my Chocolate----When -I have drank three Cups--I slide down again upon my Back, with my -Arms over my Head, while my two Maids put on my Stockings----Then -hanging upon their Shoulders, I am trail'd to my great Chair, where I -sit----and yawn----for my Breakfast----If it don't come presently, I -lie down upon my Couch to say my Prayers, while my Maid reads me the -Play-bills. - -_Just._ Very well, Madam. - -_Sir John._ When the Tea is brought in, I drink twelve regular Dishes, -with eight Slices of Bread and Butter----And half an Hour after, I send -to the Cook to know if the Dinner is almost ready. - -_Just._ So! Madam! - -_Sir John._ By that time my Head is half drest, I hear my Husband -swearing himself into a State of Perdition, that the Meat's all cold -upon the Table; to amend which, I come down in an Hour more, and have -it sent back to the Kitchen, to be all drest over again. - -_Just._ Poor Man! - -_Sir John._ When I have din'd, and my idle Servants are presumptuously -set down at their Ease, to do so too, I call for my Coach, to go visit -fifty dear Friends, of whom I hope I shall never find one at home, -while I shall live. - -_Just._ So! There's the Morning and Afternoon pretty well dispos'd -of--Pray, Madam, how do you pass your Evenings? - -_Sir John._ Like a Woman of Spirit, Sir, a great Spirit. Give me a Box -and Dice--Seven's the main, Oons! Sir, I set you a hundred Pound! Why, -do you think Women are married now-a-Days, to sit at home and mend -Napkins? Sir, we have nobler ways of passing time. - -_Just._ Mercy upon us, Mr. Constable, what will this Age come to? - -_Constab._ What will it come to, indeed, if such Women as these are not -set in the Stocks? - -_Sir John._ Sir, I have a little urgent Business calls upon me; and -therefore I desire the Favour of you to bring Matters to a Conclusion. - -_Just._ Madam, if I were sure that Business were not to commit more -Disorders, I wou'd release you. - -_Sir John._ None----by my virtue. - -_Just._ Then, Mr. Constable, you may discharge her. - -_Sir John._ Sir, your very humble Servant. If you please to accept of a -Bottle---- - -_Just._ I thank you, kindly, Madam; but I never drink in a Morning. -Good by t'ye. - -_Sir John._ Good-by-t'ye, good Sir. - - [_Exit Justice._ - -So----now, Mr. Constable, shall you and I go pick up a Whore together? - -_Constab._ No, thank you, Madam; my Wife's enough to satisfy any -reasonable Man. - -_Sir John._ [_Aside._] He, he, he, he, he----the Fool is married, then. -Well, you won't go? - -_Constab._ Not I, truly. - -_Sir John._ Then I'll go by myself; and you and your Wife may be damn'd. - - [_Exit Sir ~John~._ - -_Constable._ _gazing after her._] Why, God-a-mercy, Lady. - - [_Exeunt._ - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -_ESOP_: - -A - -COMEDY. - - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -PREFACE. - - -To speak for a Play, if it cannot speak for itself, is vain; and if it -can, it is needless. For one of these Reasons (I cannot yet tell which, -for it is now but the second Day of acting) I resolve to say nothing -for _Esop_, though I know he would be glad of Help; for let the best -happen that can, his Journey is up Hill, with a dead _English_ Weight -at the Tail of him. - -At _Paris_, indeed, he scrambled up something faster (for it was -up Hill there, too) than I am afraid he will do here: The _French_ -having more Mercury in their Heads, and less Beef and Pudding in their -Bellies. Our Solidity may set hard, what their Folly makes easy; for -Fools I own they are, you know we have found them so in the Conduct of -the War; I wish we may do so in the Management of the Peace; but that -is neither _Esop_'s Business nor mine. - -This Play, Gentlemen (or one not much unlike it), was writ in _French_ -about six Years since by one Monsieur _Boursaut_; it was play'd at -_Paris_ by the _French_ Comedians, and this was its Fate. - -The first Day it appeared, it was routed (People seldom being fond of -what they do not understand, their own sweet Persons excepted). The -second (by the help of some bold Knights-Errant) it rallied; the third -it advanced; the fourth it gave a vigorous Attack; and the fifth -put all the Feathers in Town to the scamper, pursuing them on to the -fourteenth, and then they cried out Quarter. - -It is not reasonable to expect _Esop_ should gain so great a Victory -here, since it is possible, by fooling with his Sword, I may have -turned the Edge on't. For I confess in the Translation I have not at -all stuck to the Original; nay, I have gone farther: I have wholly -added the fifth Act, and crouded a Country Gentleman into the fourth; -for which I ask Monsieur _Boursaut_'s Pardon with all my Heart, but -doubt I never shall obtain it for bringing him into such Company. -Though, after all, had I been so complaisant to have waited on his Play -Word for Word, it is possible, even that might not have ensured the -Success of it; for though it swam in _France_, it might have sunk in -_England_. Their Country abounds in Cork, ours in Lead. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -PROLOGUE. - - - _Gallants, we never yet produc'd a Play - With greater Fears than this we act to-day; - Barren of all the Graces of the Stage, - Barren of all that entertains this Age. - No Hero, no Romance, no Plot, no Shew, - No Rape, no Bawdy, no Intrigue, no Beau: - There's nothing in't with which we use to please ye; - With downright dull Instruction w'are to tease ye; - The Stage turns Pulpit, and the World's so fickle, - The Play-House in a Whim turns Conventicle. - But Preaching here must prove a hungry Trade; - The Patentees will find so, I'm afraid: - For tho' with heavenly Zeal you all abound, - As by your Lives and Morals may be found; - Tho' every Female here o'erflows with Grace, - And chaste ~Diana~'s written in her Face; - Tho' Maids renounce the Sweets of Fornication, - And one lewd Wife's not left in all the Nation; - Tho' Men grow true, and the foul Fiend defy; - Tho' Tradesmen cheat no more, nor Lawyers lye; - Tho' not one Spot be found on ~Levi~'s Tribe, - Nor one soft Courtier that will touch a Bribe; - Yet in the midst of such religious Days, - Sermons have never borne the Price of Plays._ - - - - -Dramatis Personæ. - - -MEN. - - _Esop_, Mr. _Cibber_. - _Learchus_, Governor of _Sysicus_, Mr. _Dogget_. - _Oronces_, in love with _Euphronia_, Mr. _Harland_. - - -WOMEN. - - _Euphronia_, Daughter to _Learchus_, in } Mrs. _Temple_. - love with _Oronces_, } - _Doris_, her Nurse, Mrs. _Verbruggen_. - - People who come to _Esop_, upon several Occasions, - independent one of another. - - Two Country Tradesmen, } Mr. _Pinkethman_ and - } Mr. _Smeton_. - _Roger_, a Country Bumpkin, Mr. _Haynes_. - _Quaint_, a Herald, Mr. _Pinkethman_. - _Fruitful_, an Inn-keeper, Mr. _Smeton_. - A Country Gentleman, Mr. _Pinkethman_. - A Priest, Musicians, &c. - _Hortensia_, an affected learned Lady, Mrs. _Kent_. - _Aminta_, a lewd Mother, Mrs. _Willis_. - _Forge-Will_, a Scrivener's Widow, Mrs. _Finch_. - _Fruitful_, Wife to the Inn-keeper, Mrs. _Powell_. - -[Illustration] - - _ESOP._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ I. +SCENE+ I. - - +SCENE+, Learchus's _House_. - - - _Enter ~Learchus~, ~Euphronia~, and ~Doris~._ - -_Lear._ At length I am blest with the sight of the World's Wonder, the -Delight of Mankind, the incomparable _Esop_. You had time to observe -him last Night, Daughter, as he sat at Supper with me. Tell me how you -like him, Child; is he not a charming Person? - -_Euph._ Charming! - -_Lear._ What say'st thou to him, _Doris_? Thou art a good Judge, a -Wench of a nice Palate. - -_Dor._ You wou'd not have me flatter, Sir? - -_Lear._ No, speak thy Thoughts boldly. - -_Dor._ Boldly, you say? - -_Lear._ Boldly, I say. - -_Dor._ Why, then, Sir, my Opinion of the Gentleman is, that he's uglier -than an old Beau. - -_Lear._ How! Impudence. - -_Dor._ Nay, if you are angry, Sir, second Thoughts are best; he's as -proper as a Pikeman, holds up his Head like a Dancing-Master, has the -Shape of a Barb, the Face of an Angel, the Voice of a Cherubim, the -Smell of a Civet-Cat---- - -_Lear._ In short, thou art Fool enough not to be pleas'd with him. - -_Dor._ Excuse me for that, Sir; I have Wit enough to make myself merry -with him---- - -_Lear._ If his Body's deform'd, his Soul is beautiful: Would to kind -Heaven, as he is, my Daughter cou'd but find the means to please him! - -_Euph._ To what End, dear Father? - -_Lear._ That he might be your Husband, dear Daughter. - -_Euph._ My Husband! Shield me, kind Heaven---- - -_Dor._ Psha! he has a mind to make us laugh, that's all. - -_Lear._ _Esop_, then, is not worth her Care, in thy Opinion? - -_Dor._ Why, truly, Sir, I'm always for making suitable Matches, and -don't much approve of breeding Monsters. I wou'd have nothing marry a -Baboon, but what has been got by a Monkey. - -_Lear._ How dar'st thou liken so incomparable a Man to so contemptible -a Beast? - -_Dor._. Ah, the Inconstancy of this World! Out of sight, out f Mind. -Your little Monkey is scarce cold in his Grave, and you have already -forgot what you us'd so much to admire: Do but call him to remembrance, -Sir, in his red Coat, new Gloves, little Hat, and clean Linen; then -discharge your Conscience, utter the Truth from your Heart, and tell us -whether he was not the prettier Gentleman of the two--By my Virginity, -Sir, (tho' that's but a slippery Oath, you'll say) had they made love -to me together, _Esop_ should have worn the Willow. - -_Lear._ Since nothing but an Animal will please thee, 'tis pity my -Monkey had not that Virginity thou hast sworn by. But I, whom Wisdom -charms even in the homeliest Dress, can never think the much-deserving -_Esop_ unworthy of my Daughter. - -_Dor._ Now, in the Name of Wonder, what is't you so admire in him? - - _Lear._ Hark, and thou shalt know; but you, _Euphronia_, - Be you more especially attentive. - 'Tis true he's plain; but that's, my Girl, a Trifle. - All manly Beauty's seated in the Soul; - And that of _Esop_, Envy's self must own, - Outshines whate'er the World has yet produc'd. - _Crœsus_, the prosperous Favourite of Heaven; - _Crœsus_, the happiest Potentate on Earth; - Whose Treasure (tho' immense) is the least Part - Of what he holds from Providence's Care, - Leans on his Shoulder as his grand Support, - Admires his Wisdom, doats upon his Truth, - And makes him Pilot to Imperial Sway. - But in this elevated Post of Power, - What's his Employ? Where does he point his Thoughts? - To live in Splendour, Luxury, and Ease, - Do endless Mischiefs, by neglecting Good, - And build his Family on other's Ruins? - No: - He serves the Prince, and serves the People too; - Is useful to the Rich, and helps the Poor; - There's nothing stands neglected, but himself. - With constant Pain, and yet with constant Joy, - From Place to Place throughout the Realm he goes, - With useful Lessons, form'd to every Rank: - The People learn Obedience from his Tongue, - The Magistrate is guided in Command, - The Prince is minded of a Father's Care, - The Subjects taught the Duty of a Child. - And as 'tis dangerous to be bold with Truth, - He often calls for Fable to his Aid, - Where, under abject Names of Beasts and Birds, - Virtue shines out, and Vice is cloath'd in Shame. - And thus, by inoffensive Wisdom's Force, - He conquers Folly wheresoe'er he moves: - This is his Portrait. - -_Dor._ A very good Picture of a very ill Face! - -_Lear._ Well, Daughter; what, not a Word? Is it possible any thing -that I am Father of can be untouch'd with so much Merit? - -_Euph._ My Duty may make all things possible: But _Esop_ is so ugly, -Sir-- - -_Lear._ His Soul has so much Beauty in't, your Reason ought to blind -your Eyes: Besides, my Interest is concern'd; his Power alarms me. -I know throughout the Kingdom he's the Scourge of evil Magistrates, -turns out Governors when they turn Tyrants; breaks Officers for false -Musters; excludes Judges from giving Sentence, when they have been -absent during the Trial; hangs Lawyers when they take Fees on both -Sides; forbids Physicians to take Money of those they don't cure. 'Tis -true, my Innocence ought to banish my Fears: But my Government, Child, -is too delicious a Morsel, not to set many a frail Mouth a-watering. -Who knows what Accusations Envy may produce? But all wou'd be secure, -if thou could'st touch the Heart of _Esop_. Let me blow up thy -Ambition, Girl; the Fire of that will make thy Eyes sparkle at him. -[_She sighs._]----What's that Sigh for, now? Ha! A young Husband, by -my Conscience: Ah Daughter, hadst thou a young Husband, he'd make thee -sigh indeed. I'll tell thee what he's compos'd of. He has a Wig full of -Pulvilio, a Pocket full of Dice, a Heart full of Treason, a Mouth full -of Lyes, a Belly full of Drink, a Carcase full of Plaisters, a Tail -full of Pox, and a Head full of----nothing. There's his Picture: wear -it at thy Heart, if thou can'st but here comes one of greater Worth. - - _Enter ~Esop~._ - -_Lear._ Good Morning to my noble Lord; your Excellency---- - -_Esop._ Softly, good Governor: I'm a poor Wanderer from Place to -Place; too weak to train the Weight of Grandeur with me! The Name of -Excellency's not for me. - -_Lear._ My noble Lord, 'tis due to your Imploy; your Predecessors -all---- - -_Esop._ My Predecessors all deserv'd it, Sir; they were great Men in -Wisdom, Birth and Service; whilst I, a poor, unknown, decrepid Wretch, -mounted aloft for Fortune's Pastime, expect each Moment to conclude the -Farce, by sinking to the Mud from whence I sprung. - -_Lear._ Great _Crœsus_'s Gratitude will still support you; his Coffers -all are open to your Will, your future Fortune's wholly in your Power. - -_Esop._ But 'tis a Power that I shall ne'er employ. - -_Lear._ Why so, my Lord? - -_Esop._ I'll tell you, Sir. - - _A hungry Goat, who had not eat - Some Nights and Days----(for want of Meat) - Was kindly brought at last, - By Providence's Care, - To better Cheer, - After a more than penitential Fast. - He found a Barn well stor'd with Grain: - To enter in requir'd some Pain; - But a delicious Bait - Makes the Way easy, tho' the Pass is strait. - Our Guest observing various Meats, - He put on a good modish Face, - He takes his Place, - He ne'er says Grace, - But where he likes, he there falls to and eats. - At length, with jaded Teeth and Jaws, - He made a Pause; - And finding still some room, - Fell to as he had done before, - For time to come laid in his Store; - And when his Guts cou'd hold no more, - He thought of going home. - But here he met the Glutton's Curse; - He found his Belly grown so great, - 'Twas vain to think of a Retreat, - Till he had render'd all he had eat, - And well he far'd no worse._ - -To the Application, Governor. - -_Lear._ 'Tis easy to be made, my Lord. - -_Esop._ I'm glad on't, Truth can never be too clear. [_Seeing -~Euph~._] Is this young Damsel your fair Daughter, Sir? - -_Lear._ 'Tis my Daughter, my good Lord: Fair too, if she appears such -in the Eyes of the unerring _Esop_. - -_Esop._ [_Going up to salute her._] I never saw so beautiful a Creature. - -_Lear._ [_Aside._] Now's the time; kiss soft, Girl, and fire him. - -_Esop._ [_Gazing at her._] How partial's Nature 'twixt her Form and -mine! - -_Lear._ [_Aside._] Look, look, look, how he gazes at her!----_Cupid_'s -hard at work, I see that already. Slap; there he hits him--if the Wench -would but do her Part. But see, see, how the perverse young Baggage -stands biting her Thumbs, and won't give him one kind Glance----Ah the -sullen Jade! Had it been a handsome strong Dog, of five-and-twenty, -she'd a fall'n a coquetting on't, with every Inch about her. But may be -'tis I that spoils Sport; I'll make a Pretence to leave them together. -Will your Lordship please to drink any Coffee this Morning? - -_Esop._ With all my Heart, Governor. - -_Lear._ Your Lordship will give me leave to go and order it myself; for -unless I am by, 'tis never perfect. - -_Esop._ Provided you leave me this fair Maid in Hostage for your -Return, I consent. - -_Lear._ My good Lord does my Daughter too much Honour. Ah that the -Wench wou'd but do her Part! [_Aside going off._]----Hark, you, -Hussy----[_Turning back to ~Euphronia~, aside._]----You can give -yourself Airs sometimes, you know you can. Do you remember what work -you made with yourself at Church t'other Day? Play your Tricks over -again, once more, for my Pleasure, and let me have a good Account of -this Statesman, or, d'ye hear?----You shall die a Maid; go chew upon -that; go. - - [_Exit ~Lear~._ - -_Esop._ Here I am left, fair Damsel, too much expos'd to your Charms, -not to fall your Victim. - -_Euph._ Your Fall will then be due to your own Weakness, Sir; for, -Heaven's my Witness, I neither endeavour nor wish to wound you. - -_Esop._ I understand you, Lady; your Heart's already dispos'd of; 'tis -seldom otherways, at your Age. - -_Euph._ My Heart dispos'd of! - -_Dor._ Nay, never mince the Matter, Madam. The Gentleman looks like a -civil Gentleman, e'en confess the Truth to him: He has a good Interest -with your Father, and no Doubt will employ it to break the Heathenish -Match he proposes to you. [_To ~Esop~._] Yes, Sir, my young Lady has -been in love these two Years, and that with as pretty a Fellow as ever -entered a Virgin's Heart; tall, strait, young, vigorous, good Clothes, -long Perriwig, clean Linen; in brief, he has every thing that's -necessary to set a young Lady a-longing, and to stay it when he has -done: but her Father, whose Ambition makes him turn Fool in his old -Age, comes with a back Stroke upon us, and spoils all our Sport. Wou'd -you believe it, Sir? He has propos'd to her to-day the most confounded -ugly Fellow! Look, if the very Thoughts of him don't set the poor Thing -a-crying! And you, Sir, have so much Power with the old Gentleman, that -one Word from you would set us all right again. If he will have her a -Wife, in the Name of _Venus_, let him provide her a handsome Husband, -and not throw her into the Paws of a Thing, that Nature, in a merry -Humour, has made half Man, half Monkey. - -_Esop._ Pray, what's this Monster's Name, Lady? - -_Euph._ No matter for his Name, Sir; my Father will know what you mean, -at first Word. - -_Esop._ But you shou'd not always chuse by the Outside alone: believe -me, fair Damsel, a fine Perriwig keeps many a Fool's Head from the -Weather: Have a Care of your young Gallant. - -_Dor._ There's no Danger, I have examin'd him; his Inside's as good as -his out! I say, he has Wit, and I think I know. - -_Euph._ Nay, she says true; he's even a Miracle of Wit and Beauty: Did -you but see him, you'd be yourself my Rival. - -_Esop._ Then you are resolv'd against the Monster? - -_Dor._ Fy, Sir, fy; I wonder you'll put her in Mind of that foul, -frightful Thing: We shall have her dream of nothing all Night but Bats -and Owls, and Toads and Hedge-hogs; and then we shall have such a -squeaking and squalling with her, the whole House will be in an Uproar: -Therefore, pray, Sir, name him no more, but use your Interest with her -Father, that she may never hear of him again. - -_Esop._ But if I shou'd be so generous to save you from the old -Gallant, what shall I say for your young one? - -_Euph._ O, Sir, you may venture to enlarge upon his Perfections; you -need not fear saying too much in his Praise. - -_Dor._ And pray, Sir, be as copious upon the Defects of t'other; you -need not fear out-running the Text there, neither, say the worst you -can. - -_Euph._ You may say, the first is the most graceful Man that _Asia_ -ever brought forth. - -_Dor._ And you may say the latter is the most deform'd Monster that -Copulation ever produc'd. - -_Euph._ Tell him that _Oronces_ (for that is his dear Name) has all the -Virtues that compose a perfect Hero. - -_Dor._ And tell him, that _Pigmy_ has all the Vices that go to equip an -Attorney. - -_Euph._ That to one I cou'd be true to the last Moment of my Life. - -_Dor._ That for t'other, she'd cuckold him the very Day of her -Marriage. This, Sir, in few Words, is the Theme you are desir'd to -preach upon. - -_Esop._ I never yet had one that furnish'd me with more Matter. - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Ser._ My Lord, there's a Lady below desires to speak with your Honour. - -_Esop._ What Lady? - -_Ser._ 'Tis my Lady--my Lady--[_To ~Doris~._] The Lady there, the -wise-Lady, the great Scholar, that Nobody can understand. - -_Dor._ O ho, is it she? Pray let's withdraw, and oblige her, Madam; -she's ready to swoon at the insipid Sight of one of her own Sex. - -_Euph._ You'll excuse us, Sir; we leave you to wiser Company. - - [_Exeunt ~Euph~. and ~Dor~._ - - _Enter ~Hortensia~._ - -_Hort._ The Deess, who from _Atropos_'s Breast preserves the Names of -Heroes and their Actions, proclaims your Fame throughout this mighty -Orb, and---- - -_Esop._ [_Aside._] Shield me, my Stars! What have you sent me here? For -Pity's Sake, good Lady, be more humane: My Capacity is too heavy, to -mount to your Style: If you wou'd have me know what you mean, please to -come down to my Understanding. - - _Hort._ I've something in my Nature soars too high - For vulgar Flight, I own; - But _Esop_'s Sphere must needs be within Call; - _Esop_ and I may sure converse together: - I know he's modest, but I likewise know - His Intellects are categorical. - -_Esop._ Now, by my Faith, Lady, I don't know what _Intellect_ is; and -methinks, _categorical_ sounds as if you call'd me Names. Pray, speak -that you may be understood: Language was design'd for it; indeed it was. - - _Hort._ Of vulgar Things in vulgar Phrase we talk; - But when of _Esop_ we must speak, - The Theme's too lofty for an humble Style: - _Esop_ is sure no common Character. - -_Esop._ No, truly; I am something particular. Yet if I am not mistaken, -what I have extraordinary about me, may be describ'd in very homely -Language. Here was a young Gentlewoman but just now pencil'd me out to -a Hair, I thought; and yet, I vow to God, the learned'st Word I heard -her make use of, was Monster. - - _Hort._ That was a Woman, Sir, a very Woman; - Her Cogitations all were on the outward Man: - But I strike deeper; 'tis the Mind I view. - The Soul's the worthy Object of my Care; - The Soul, that Sample of Divinity, that glorious - Ray of heavenly Light. The Soul, that awful - Throne of Thought, that sacred Seat of Contemplation. - The Soul, that noble Source of Wisdom, - That Fountain of Comfort, - That Spring of Joy, that happy Token of eternal - Life. The Soul, that---- - -_Esop._ Pray, Lady, are you married? - -_Hort._ Why that Question, Sir? - -_Esop._ Only that I might wait upon your Husband, to wish him Joy. - -_Hort._ When People of my Composition would marry, they first find -something of their own Species to join with; I never could resolve -to take a Thing of common Fabric to my Bed, lest, when his brutish -Inclinations prompt him, he shou'd make me Mother to a Form like his -own. - -_Esop._ Methinks, a Lady so extremely nice should be much at a Loss who -to converse with. - -_Hort._ I keep my Chamber, and converse with myself; 'tis better being -alone, than to mis-ally one's Conversation: Men are scandalous, and -Women are insipid: Discourse without Figure makes me sick at my Soul: -O the Charms of a Metaphor! What Harmony there is in the Words of -Erudition! The Musick of them is inimaginable. - -_Esop._ Will you hear a Fable, Lady? - -_Hort._ Willingly, Sir; the Apologue pleases me, when the Application -of it is just. - -_Esop._ It is, I'll answer for it. - - _Once on a Time a Nightingale, - To Changes prone, - Unconstant, fickle, whimsical, - (A Female one) - Who sung like others of her kind, - Hearing a well-taught Linnet's Airs, - Had other Matters in her Mind. - To imitate him she prepares; - Her Fancy strait was on the Wing: - I fly, quoth she, - As well as he; - I don't know why - I should not try - As well as he to sing. - From that Day forth she chang'd her Note, - She spoil'd her Voice, she strain'd her Throat: - She did, as learned Women do, - Till every Thing - That heard her sing - Wou'd run away from her----as I from you._ - - [_~Exit~ Esop ~running~._ - - _~Hortensia~ sola._ - -How grossly does this poor World suffer itself to be impos'd -upon!----_Esop_, a Man of Sense----Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! Alas, poor -Wretch! I shou'd not have known him but by his Deformity; his Soul's -as nauseous to my Understanding, as his odious Body to my Sense of -Feeling. Well, - - _'Mongst all the Wits that are allow'd to shine, - Methinks there's nothing yet approaches mine: - Sure I was sent the homely Age t'adorn; } - What Star, I know not, rul'd when I was born, } - But every Thing besides myself's my Scorn._ } - - [Exit. - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ II. - - - _Enter ~Euphronia~ and ~Doris~._ - -_Dor._ What, in the Name of _Jove_, 's the matter with you? Speak, for -Heaven's sake! - -_Euph._ Oh! what shall I do? _Doris_, I'm undone. - -_Dor._ What, ravish'd? - -_Euph._ No, ten times worse! Ten times worse! Unlace me, or I shall -swoon. - -_Dor._ Unlace you? Why, you are not thereabouts, I hope? - -_Euph._ No no, worse still; worse than all that. - -_Dor._ Nay, then 'tis bad, indeed. - - [_~Doris~ unlaces her._ - -There: How d'ye do now? - -_Euph._ So; 'tis going over. - -_Dor._ Courage, pluck up your Spirits: Well, now what's the matter? - -_Euph._ The matter! Thou shalt hear. Know that--that Cheat--_Esop_---- - -_Dor._ Like enough; speak: What has he done! That ugly ill-boding -Cyclops-- - -_Euph._ Why, instead of keeping his Promise, and speaking for -_Oronces_, he has not said one Word, but what has been for himself. And -by my Father's Order, before to-morrow Noon he's to marry me. - -_Dor._ He marry you! - -_Euph._ Am I in the wrong to be in this Despair? Tell me, _Doris_, if I -am to blame. - -_Dor._ To blame? No, by my troth. That ugly, old, treacherous piece -of Vermin--that melancholy Mixture of Impotence and Desire--does his -Mouth stand to a young Partridge? Ah the old Goat! And your Father! He -downright doats at last, then. - -_Euph._ Ah, _Doris_, what a Husband does he give me! And what a Lover -does he rob me of! Thou know'st 'em both; think of _Oronces_, and think -of _Esop_. - -_Dor._ [_Spitting._] A foul Monster! And yet, now I think on't, I'm -almost as angry at t'other too: Methinks he makes but a slow Voyage -on't, for a Man in Love: 'Tis now above two Months since he went to -_Lesbos_, to pack up the old Bones of his dead Father; sure he might -have made a little more Haste. - - _Enter ~Oronces~._ - -_Euph._ Oh! my Heart, what do I see? - -_Dor._ Talk of the Devil, and he's at your Elbow. - -_Oron._ My dear Soul! - - [_~Euph.~ runs and leaps about his Neck._ - -_Euph._ Why wou'd you stay so long from me? - -_Oron._ 'Twas not my Fault, indeed; the Winds---- - -_Dor._ The Winds! Will the Winds blow you your Mistress again? We -have had Winds too, and Waves into the Bargain; Storms and Tempests, -Sea-Monsters, and the Devil and all. She struggled as long as she -cou'd, but a Woman can do no more than she can do; when her Breath was -gone, down she sunk. - -_Oron._ What's the meaning of all this? - -_Dor._ There's meaning and mumping too: your Mistress is married: -that's all. - -_Oron._ Death and Furies---- - -_Euph._ [_Clinging about him._] Don't you frighten him too much, -neither, _Doris_. No, my Dear, I'm not yet executed, tho' I'm condemn'd. - -_Oron._ Condemn'd! To what? Speak! Quick! - -_Dor._ To be married. - -_Oron._ Married? When? How? Where? To what? To whom? - -_Dor. Esop, Esop, Esop, Esop, Esop._ - -_Oron._ Fiends and Spectres! What! That piece of Deformity! That -Monster! That Crump! - -_Dor._ The same, Sir, the same. I find he knows him. You might have -come home sooner. - -_Oron._ Dear _Euphronia_, ease me from my Pain. Swear that you neither -have nor will consent. I know this comes from your ambitious Father; -But you're too generous, too true to leave me: Millions of Kingdoms -ne'er wou'd shake my Faith, And I believe your Constancy as firm. - -_Euph._ You do me Justice, you shall find you do: For Racks and -Tortures, Crowns and Scepters join'd, shall neither fright me from my -Truth, nor tempt me to be false. On this you may depend. - -_Dor._ Wou'd to the Lord you wou'd find some other Place to make your -fine Speeches in! Don't you know that your dear Friend _Esop_'s coming -to receive his Visits here? In this great downy Chair, your pretty -little Husband Elect is to sit and hear all the Complaints of the Town: -One of Wisdom's chief Recompences being to be constantly troubled with -the Business of Fools. Pray, Madam, will you take the Gentleman by the -Hand, and lead him into your Chamber; and when you are there, don't -lie whining, and crying, and sighing, and wishing----[_Aside._] If -he had not been more modest than wise, he might have set such a Mark -upon the Goods before now, that ne'er a Merchant of 'em all wou'd have -bought 'em out of his Hands. But young Fellows are always in the wrong: -Either so impudent they are nauseous, or so modest they are useless. -Go; pray get you gone together. - -_Euph._ But if my Father catch us, we are ruin'd. - -_Dor._ By my Conscience, this Love will make us all turn Fools. Before -your Father can open the Door, can't he slip down the Back-stairs? I'm -sure he may, if you don't hold him; but that's the old Trade. Ah--Well, -get you gone, however----Hark----I hear the old Baboon cough; away! -[_Ex. ~Oron.~ and ~Euph.~ running._] Here he comes, with his ugly Beak -before him. Ah--a luscious Bedfellow, by my troth! - - _Enter ~Learchus~ and ~Esop~._ - -_Lear._ Well, _Doris_; what News from my Daughter? Is she prudent? - -_Dor._ Yes, very prudent. - -_Lear._ What says she? What does she do? - -_Dor._ Do? What shou'd she do? Tears her Cornet; bites her Thumbs; -throws her Fan in the Fire; thinks 'tis dark Night at Noon-day; dreams -of Monsters and Hobgoblins; raves in her Sleep of forc'd Marriage -and Cuckoldom; cries, _Avaunt_ Deformity; then wakens on a sudden, -with fifty Arguments at her Fingers-ends to prove the Lawfulness of -Rebellion in a Child, when a Parent turns Tyrant. - -_Lear._ Very fine! But all this shan't serve her turn. I have said the -Word, and will be obey'd----My Lord does her Honour. - -_Dor._ [_Aside._] Yes, and that's all he can do to her. [_To ~Lear~._] -But I can't blame the Gentleman, after all; he loves my Mistress, -because she's handsome; and she hates him, because he's ugly. I never -saw two People more in the right in my Life. [_To ~Esop~._] You'll -pardon me, Sir, I'm somewhat free. - -_Esop._ Why, a Ceremony wou'd but take up time. But, Governor, methinks -I have an admirable Advocate about your Daughter. - -_Lear._ Out of the Room, Impudence: be gone, I say. - -_Dor._ So I will: But you'll be as much in the wrong when I'm gone, as -when I'm here. And your Conscience, I hope, will talk as pertly to you -as I can do. - -_Esop._ If she treats me thus before my face, I may conclude I'm finely -handled behind my Back. - -_Dor._ I say the Truth here; and I can say no worse any where. - - [_Exit ~Doris~._ - -_Lear._ I hope your Lordship won't be concern'd at what this prattling -Wench bleats out: my Daughter will be govern'd. She's bred up to -Obedience. There may be some small Difficulty in weaning her from her -young Lover: But 'twon't be the first time she has been wean'd from a -Breast, my Lord. - -_Esop._ Does she love him fondly, Sir? - -_Lear._ Foolishly, my Lord. - -_Esop._ And he her? - -_Lear._ The same. - -_Esop._ Is he young? - -_Lear._ Yes, and vigorous. - -_Esop._ Rich? - -_Lear._ So, so. - -_Esop._ Well-born? - -_Lear._ He has good Blood in his Veins. - -_Esop._ Has he Wit? - -_Lear._ He had, before he was in Love. - -_Esop._ And handsome with all this? - -_Lear._ Or else we shou'd not have half so much trouble with him. - -_Esop._ Why do you, then, make her quit him for me? All the World knows -I am neither young, noble, nor rich: And as for my Beauty----Look you, -Governor, I'm honest. But when Children cry, they tell 'em _Esop_'s -a-coming. Pray, Sir, what is it makes you so earnest to force your -Daughter? - -_Lear._ Am I, then, to count for nothing the favour you are in at -Court? Father-in-law to the great _Esop_! What may not I aspire to? My -foolish Daughter, perhaps, mayn't be so well pleas'd with it, but we -wise Parents usually weigh our Children's Happiness in the Scale of our -own Inclinations. - -_Esop._ Well, Governor, let it be your Care, then, to make her consent. - -_Lear._ This Moment, my Lord, I reduce her either to Obedience, or to -Dust and Ashes. - - [_Exit ~Lear~._ - -_Esop._ Adieu. Now let in the People who come for Audience. - - [_~Esop~ sits in his Chair, reading of Papers._ - - _Enter two ordinary Tradesmen._ - -_1 Tra._ There he is, Neighbour: Do but look at him. - -_2 Tra._ Aye; one may know him: He's well mark'd. But do'st hear me? -What Title must we give him? for if we fail in that point, d'ye see me, -we shall never get our Business done. Courtiers love Titles almost as -well as they do Money, and that's a bold Word now. - -_1 Tra._ Why, I think we had best call him, his Grandeur. - -_2 Tra._ That will do; thou hast hit on't. Hold still, let me speak. -May it please your Grandeur---- - -_Esop._ There I interrupt you, Friend; I have a weak Body that will -ne'er be able to bear that Title. - -_2 Tra._ D'ye hear that, Neighbour? What shall we call him now? - -_1 Tra._ Why, call him, call him, his Excellency; try what that will do. - -_2 Tra._ May it please your Excellency---- - -_Esop._ Excellency's a long Word, it takes up too much time in -Business: Tell me what you'd have in few Words. - -_2 Tra._ - - Neighbour, this Man will never give - Ten thousand Pounds to be made a Lord. - But what shall I say to him now? - He puts me quite out of my play. - -_1 Tra._ Why e'en talk to him as we do to one another. - -_2 Tra._ Shall I? Why, so I will, then. Hem! Neighbour, we want a new -Governor, Neighbour. - -_Esop._ A new Governor, Friend? - -_2 Tra._ Aye, Friend. - -_Esop._ Why, what's the matter with your old one? - -_2 Tra._ - - What's the matter! - Why, he grows rich; that's the matter; - And he that's rich can't be innocent; that's all. - -_Esop._ Does he use any of you harshly? Or punish you without a Fault? - -_2 Tra._ No, but he grows as rich as a Miser; his Purse is so cramm'd, -'tis ready to burst again. - -_Esop._ When 'tis full, 'twill hold no more; a new Governor will have -an empty one. - -_2 Tra._ 'Fore Gad, Neighbour, the little Gentleman's in the right on't. - -_1 Tra._ - - Why, truly, I don't know but he may: - For now it comes in my Head, - It cost me more Money to fat my Hog, - Than to keep him fat when he was so. - Pr'ythee tell him we'll keep our old Governor. - -_2 Tra._ I'll do't. Why, look you, Sir, d'ye see me: Having seriously -consider'd of the matter, my Neighbour _Hobson_ and I here, we are -content to jog on a little longer with him we have: but if you'd do us -another Courtesy, you might. - -_Esop._ What's that, Friend? - -_2 Tra._ Why, that's this: Our King Crœsus is a very good Prince, -as a Man may say: But----a----but--Taxes are high, an't please you; -and----a----poor Men want Money, d'ye see me: 'Tis very hard, as we -think, that the Poor shou'd work to maintain the Rich. If there were no -Taxes, we shou'd do pretty well. - -_1 Tra._ Taxes, indeed, are very burdensome. - -_Esop._ I'll tell you a Story, Countrymen. - - _Once on a time, the Hands and Feet, - As Mutineers, grew mighty great; - They met, caball'd, and talk'd of Treason, - They swore by ~Jove~ they knew no Reason - The Belly shou'd have all the Meat-- } - It was a damn'd notorious Cheat } - They did the Work, and--Death and Hell, they'd eat. } - The Belly, who ador'd good Chear, - Had like t'have dy'd away for Fear: - Quoth he, Good Folks, you little know } - What 'tis you are about to do; } - If I am starv'd, what will become of you? } - We neither know nor care, cry'd they, - But this we will be bound to say, - We'll see you damn'd - Before we'll work, - And you receive the Pay. - With that the Hands to Pocket went - Full Wrist-band deep, - The Legs and Feet fell fast asleep: - Their Liberty they had redeem'd, - And all, except the Belly, seem'd - Extremely well content. - But mark what follow'd; 'twas not long - Before the right became the wrong; - The Mutineers were grown so weak, - They found 'twas more than time to squeak: - They call for work, but 'twas too late. - The Stomach (like an aged Maid, } - Shrunk up, for want of human Aid) } - The common Debt of Nature paid, } - And with its Destiny entrain'd their Fate._ } - -_Esop._ What think you of this Story, Friends, ha? Come, you look like -wise Men; I'm sure you understand what's for your good; in giving part -of what you have, you secure all the rest: If the King had no Money, -there cou'd be no Army; and if there were no Army, your Enemies would -be amongst you: One Day's Pillage wou'd be worse than twenty Years' -Taxes. What say ye? Is't not so? - -_2 Tra._ By my troth, I think he's in the right on't, again. Who'd -think that little Hump-back of his Shou'd have so much Brains in't, -Neighbour? - -_Esop._ Well, honest Men, is there any thing else that I can serve you -in? - -_1 Tra._ D'ye hear that, _Humphry_?----Why, that was civil now. But -Courtiers seldom want Good-breeding; let's give the Devil his due. Why, -to tell you the truth, honest Gentlemen, we had a whole Budget full of -Grievances to complain of. But I think----a----Ha, Neighbour? We had -e'en as good let 'em alone. - -_1 Tra._ Why good feath I think so too; for by all I can see, we are -like to make no great hond on't. Besides, between thee and me, I began -to daubt, whether aur Grievances do us such a plaguy deal of Mischief -as we fancy. - -_2 Tra._ Or put the Case they did, _Humphry_; I'se afraid he that goes -to a Courtier, in hope to get fairly rid of 'em, may be said (in our -Country Dialect) to take the wrong Sow by the Ear. But here's Neighbour -_Roger_, he's a Wit, let's leave him to him. - - [_Exeunt._ - - _Enter ~Roger~, a Country Bumkin, looks seriously upon ~Esop~; - then bursts out a laughing._ - -_Rog._ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Did ever Mon behold the like? Ha, ha, ha, -ha, ha! - -_Esop._ Hast thou any business with me, Friend? - - _Rog._ Yes, by my troth, have I; - But if _Roger_ were to be hang'd up for't, - Look you now, he cou'd not hold laughing: - What I have in my Mind, out it comes: But bar that; - I'se on honest Lad as well as another. - -_Esop._ My time's dearer to me than yours, Friend; have you any thing -to say to me? - -_Rog._ Gadswookers, do People use to ask for Folks when they have -nothing to say to 'em: I'se tell you my Business. - -_Esop._ Let's hear it. - -_Rog._ I have, as you see, a little Wit. - -_Esop._ True. - -_Rog._ I live in a Village hard by, and I'se the best Man in it, tho' -I say it that should not say it. I have good Drink in my Cellar, and -good Corn in my Barn: I have Cows and Oxen, Hogs and Sheep, Cocks and -Hens, and Geese and Turkeys: But the Truth will out, and so let it -out. I'se e'en tired of being call'd plain _Roger_. I has a Leathern -Purse, and in that Purse there's many a fair Half-crown, with the -King's sweet Face upon it, God bless him; and with his Money, I have a -mind to bind myself 'Prentice to a Courtier: 'Tis a good Trade, as I -have heard say; there's Money stirring: Let a Lad be but diligent, and -do what he's bid, he shall be let into the Secret, and share Part of -the Profits; I have not lived to these Years for nothing: Those that -will swim must go into deep water: I'se get our Wife _Joan_ to be the -Queen's Chamber-maid; and then----Crack, says me I; and forget all -my Acquaintance. But to come to the Business. You who are the King's -great Favourite, I desire you'd be pleas'd to sell me some of your -Friendship, that I may get a Court-Place. Come, you shall chuse me one -yourself; you look like a shrewd Man; by the Mass, you do. - -_Esop._ I chuse thee a Place! - -_Rog._ Yes, I wou'd willingly have it such a sort of a Place, as wou'd -cost little, and bring in a great deal; in a Word, much Profit, and -nothing to do. - -_Esop._ But you must name what Post you think wou'd suit your Humour. - -_Rog._ Why I'se pratty indifferent as to that: Secretary of State, or -Butler; twenty Shillings more, or twenty Shillings less, is not the -thing I stand upon. I'se no Hagler, Godswookers; and he that says I -am--'Zbud he lies: There's my Humour now. - -_Esop._ But hark you, Friend, you say you are well as you are, why then -do you desire to change? - -_Rog._ Why what a Question now is there for a Man of your Parts? I'm -well, d'ye see me; and what of all that? I desire to be better: There's -an Answer for you. [_Aside._] Let _Roger_ alone with him. - -_Esop._ Very well: This is reasoning; and I love a Man should reason -with me. But let us enquire a little whether your Reasons are good or -not. You say, at home you want for nothing? - -_Rog._ Nothing, 'fore _George_. - -_Esop._ You have good Drink? - -_Rog._ 'Zbud, the best i'th' Parish. [_Singing._] And dawne it merrily -goes, my Lad, and dawne it merrily goes. - -_Esop._ You eat heartily? - -_Rog._ I have a noble Stomach. - -_Esop._ You sleep well? - -_Rog._ Just as I drink, till I can sleep no longer. - -_Esop._ You have some honest Neighbours? - -_Rog._ Honest! 'Zbud we are all so, the Tawne raund, we live like -Breether; when one can sarve another, he does it with all his Heart and -Guts; when we have any thing that's good, we eat it together, Holidays -and Sundays we play at Nine-pins, tumble upon the Grass with wholesome -young Maids, laugh till we split, daunce till we are weary, eat till we -burst, drink till we are sleepy, then swap into Bed, and snore till we -rise to Breakfast. - -_Esop._ And all this thou wou'dst leave to go to Court? I'll tell thee -what once happen'd: - - _A Mouse, who long had liv'd at Court, } - (Yet ne'er the better Christian for't) } - Walking one Day to see some Country Sport, } - He met a home-bred Village-Mouse; - Who with an awkward Speech and Bow, } - That savour'd much of Cart and Plow, } - Made a shift, I know not how, } - T' invite him to his House. - Quoth he, My Lord, I doubt you'll find - Our Country Fare of homely kind; - But by my troth, you're welcome to't, - Y'ave that, and Bread and Cheese to boot: - And so they sat and din'd._ - - _Rog._ Very well. - - _Esop._ _The ~Courtier~ cou'd have eat at least - As much as any Houshold Priest, - But thought himself oblig'd in Feeding, - To shew the difference of Town breeding; - He pick'd and cull'd, and turn'd the Meat, - He champt and chew'd, and cou'd not eat: - No toothless Woman at Fourscore, - Was ever seen to mumble more. - He made a thousand ugly Faces, } - Which (as sometimes in Ladies cases) } - Were all design'd for Airs and Graces._ } - - _Rog._ Ha, ha! - - Esop. _At last he from the Table rose, - He pick'd his Teeth and blow'd his Nose, - And with an easy Negligence, - As tho' he lately came from France, - He made a careless sliding Bow: - 'Fore Gad, quoth he, I don't know how - I shall return your friendly Treat; - But if you'll take a bit of Meat - In Town with me, - You there shall see, - How we poor Courtiers eat._ - - _Rog._ Tit for tat; that was friendly. - - Esop. _There needed no more Invitation - To e'er a Country 'Squire i'th' Nation: - Exactly to the time he came, - Punctual as Woman when she meets - A Man between a pair of Sheets, - As good a Stomach, and as little Shame._ - - _Rog._ Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! - - Esop. _To say the Truth, he found good Chear, - With Wine, instead of Ale and Beer: - But just as they sat down to eat, - Came bouncing in a hungry Cat._ - - _Rog._ O Lord, O Lord, O Lord! - - Esop. _The nimble Courtier skipt from Table, - The 'Squire leapt too, as he was able: - It can't be said that they were beat, - It was no more than a Retreat; - Which when an Army, not to fight - By Day-light, runs away by Night, - Was ever judg'd a great and glorious Feat._ - - _Rog._ Ever, ever, ever. - - Esop. _The Cat retir'd, our Guests return, - The Danger past becomes their Scorn, - They fall to eating as before, - The Butler rumbles at the Door._ - - _Rog._ Good Lord! - - Esop. _To Boot and Saddle again they sound._ - - _Rog._ Ta ra, tan tan ta ra, ra ra tan ta ra. - - Esop. _They frown, as they wou'd stand their Ground, - But (like some of our Friends) they found - 'Twas safer much to scour._ - - _Rog._ Tantive, Tantive, Tantive, _&c._ - - Esop. _At length the 'Squire, who hated Arms, - Was so perplext with these Alarms, - He rose up in a kind of Heat, - Udswookers, quoth he, with all your Meat, - I will maintain, a Dish of Pease, - A Radish, and a Slice of Cheese, - With a good Desert of Ease, - Is much a better Treat. - However, - Since every Man shou'd have his due, - I own, Sir, I'm oblig'd to you - For your Intentions at your Board: - But Pox upon your courtly Crew----_ - -_Rog._ _Amen_, I pray the Lord. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Now the De'el -cuckold me if this Story be not worth a Sermon. Give me your Hond, -Sir.----If it had na' been for your friendly Advice, I was going to be -Fool enough to be Secretary of State. - -_Esop._ Well, go thy ways home, and be wiser for the future. - -_Rog._ And so I will: For that same Mause, your Friend, was a witty -Person, gadsbudlikins! and so our Wife _Joan_ shall know: For between -you and I, 'tis she has put me upon going to Court. Sir, she has been -so praud, so saucy, so rampant, ever since I brought her home a lac'd -Pinner, and a pink-colour'd pair of Shoe-strings, from _Tickledowne_ -Fair, the Parson o'th' Parish can't rule her; and that you'll say's -much. But so much for that. Naw I thank you for your good Counsel, -honest little Gentleman; and to shew you that I'se not ungrateful--give -me your Hond once more----If you'll take the pains but to walk dawne to -our Towne--a Word in your Ear----I'se send you so drunk whome again, -you shall remember friendly _Roger_ as long as you have Breath in your -Body. - - [_Exit ~Roger~_ - - _Esop. ~solus~._ - - Farewel, what I both envy and despise! - Thy Happiness and Ignorance provoke me. - How noble were the thing call'd Knowledge, - Did it but lead us to a Bliss like thine! - But there's a secret Curse in Wisdom's Train, } - Which on its Pleasures stamps perpetual Pain, } - And makes the wise Man Loser by his Gain. } - - [_Exit._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ III. - - - _Enter ~Esop~._ - -_Esop._ Who waits there? - - [_Enter Servant._ - -If there be any body that has Business with me, let 'em in. - -_Serv._ Yes, Sir. - - [_Exit Serv._ - - _Enter ~Quaint~, who stands at a distance, making a great - many fawning Bows._ - -_Esop._ Well, Friend, who are you? - -_Quaint._ My Name's _Quaint_, Sir, the profoundest of all your Honour's -humble Servants. - -_Esop._ And what may your Business be with me, Sir? - -_Quaint._ My Business, Sir, with every Man, is first of all to do him -Service. - -_Esop._ And your next is, I suppose, to be paid for't twice as much as -'tis worth. - -_Quaint._ Your Honour's most obedient humble Servant. - -_Esop._ Well, Sir, but upon what Account am I going to be oblig'd to -you? - -_Quaint._ Sir, I'm a Genealogist. - -_Esop._ A Genealogist! - -_Quaint._ At your Service, Sir. - -_Esop._ So, Sir? - -_Quaint._ Sir, I am inform'd from common Fame, as well as from some -little private familiar Intelligence, that your Wisdom is ent'ring into -Treaty with the _Primum Mobilè_ of Good and Evil, a fine Lady. I have -travell'd, Sir; I have read, Sir; I have consider'd, Sir; and I find, -Sir, that the Nature of a fine Lady is to be----a fine Lady, Sir; a -fine Lady's a fine Lady, Sir, all the World over;----she loves a fine -House, fine Furniture, fine Clothes, fine Liveries, fine Petticoats, -fine Smocks; and if she stops there--she's a fine Lady indeed, Sir. -But to come to my Point. It being the _Lydian_ Custom, that the fair -Bride should be presented on her Wedding-day with something that -may signify the Merit and the Worth of her dread Lord and Master, I -thought the noble _Esop_'s Pedigree might be the welcom'st Gift that he -could offer. If his Honour be of the same Opinion--I'll speak a bold -Word--there's ne'er a Herald in all _Asia_ shall put better Blood in -his Veins, than--Sir, your humble Servant, _Jacob Quaint_. - -_Esop._ Dost thou then know my Father, Friend? For I protest to thee I -am a Stranger to him. - -_Quaint._ Your Father, Sir? Ha, ha! I know every Man's Father, Sir; and -every Man's Grandfather, and every Man's Great Grandfather. Why, Sir, -I'm a Herald by Nature, my Mother was a _Welchwoman_. - -_Esop._ A _Welchwoman_? Pr'ythee of what Country is that? - -_Quaint._ That, Sir, is a Country in the World's Backside, where -every Man is born a Gentleman and a Genealogist. Sir, I cou'd tell my -Mother's Pedigree before I could speak plain; which, to shew you the -Depth of my Art, and the Strength of my Memory, I'll trundle you down -in an instant. _Noah_ had three Sons, _Shem_, _Ham_, and _Japhet_; -_Shem_---- - -_Esop._ Hold, I conjure thee, in the Name of all thy Ancestors. - -_Quaint._ Sir, I cou'd take it higher, but I begin at Noah for -brevity's sake. - -_Esop._ No more on't, I intreat thee. - -_Quaint._ Your Honour's impatient, perhaps, to hear your own Descent. -_A Word to the wise is enough._ Hem, hem! _Solomon_, the wise King of -_Judea_---- - -_Esop._ Hold, once more! - -_Quaint._ Ha, ha! Your Honour's modest, but----_Solomon_, the wise King -of _Judea_---- - -_Esop._ Was my Ancestor, was he not? - -_Quaint._ He was, my Lord, which no one sure can doubt, who observes -how much of Prince there hangs about you. - -_Esop._ What! Is't in my Mien? - -_Quaint._ You have something----wondrous noble in your Air. - -_Esop._ Personable too; view me well. - -_Quaint._ N----not Tall; but Majestick. - -_Esop._ My Shape? - -_Quaint._ A World of Symmetry in it. - -_Esop._ The Lump upon my Back? - -_Quaint._ N----not regular; but agreeable. - -_Esop._ Now by my Honesty thou art a Villain, Herald. But Flattery's a -Thrust I never fail to parry. 'Tis a Pass thou should'st reserve for -young Fencers; with Feints like those they're to be hit: I do not doubt -but thou hast found it so; hast not? - -_Quaint._ I must confess, Sir, I have sometimes made 'em bleed by't. -But I hope your Honour will please to excuse me, since, to speak the -Truth, I get my Bread by't, and maintain my Wife and Children: And -Industry, you know, Sir, is a commendable Thing. Besides, Sir, I have -debated the Business a little with my Conscience; for I'm like the rest -of my Neighbours, I'd willingly get Money, and be sav'd too, if the -Thing may be done upon any reasonable Terms: And so, Sir, I say, to -quiet my Conscience, I have found out at last, that Flattery is a Duty. - -_Esop._ A Duty! - -_Quaint._ Ay, Sir, a Duty: For the Duty of all Men is to make one -another pass their time as pleasantly as they can. Now, Sir, here's -a young Lord, who has a great deal of Land, a great deal of Title, a -great deal of Meat, a great deal of Noise, a great many Servants, and -a great many Diseases. I find him very dull, very restless, tir'd with -Ease, cloy'd with Plenty, a Burden to himself, and a Plague to his -Family. I begin to flatter: He springs off of the Couch; turns himself -round in the Glass; finds all I say true; cuts a Caper a yard high; his -Blood trickles round his Veins; his Heart's as light as his Heels; and -before I leave him----his Purse is as empty as his Head. So we both are -content; for we part much happier than we met. - -_Esop._ Admirable Rogue! What dost thou think of Murder and of Rape, -are not they Duties too? Wert not for such vile fawning Things as thou -art, young Nobles wou'd not long be what they are: They'd grow asham'd -of Luxury and Ease, and rouse up the old Spirit of their Fathers; leave -the pursuit of a poor frightned Hare, and make their Foes to tremble in -their stead; furnish their Heads with Sciences and Arts, and fill their -Hearts with Honour, Truth and Friendship; Be generous to some, and -just to all; drive home their Creditors with Bags of Gold, instead of -chasing 'em away with Swords and Staves; be faithful to their King and -Country both, and stab the Offerer of a Bribe from either; blush even -at a wandering Thought of Vice, and boldly own they durst be Friends to -Virtue; trembling at nothing but the Frowns of Heaven, and be no more -asham'd of Him that made 'em. - -_Quaint._ [_Aside._] If I stand to hear this Crump preach a little -longer, I shall be Fool enough perhaps to be bubbled out of my -Livelyhood, and so lose a Bird in the Hand for two in the Bush. Sir, -since I have not been able to bring you to a good Opinion of yourself, -'tis very probable I shall scarce prevail with you to have one of -me. But if you please to do me the favour to forget me, I shall ever -acknowledge myself----Sir, your most obedient, faithful, humble Servant. - -_Esop._ Hold; if I let thee go, and give thee nothing, thou'lt be apt -to grumble at me; and therefore----who waits there? - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Quaint._ [_Aside._] I don't like his Looks, by Gad. - -_Esop._ I'll present thee with a Token of my Love. - -_Quaint._ A--another time, Sir, will do as well. - -_Esop._ No; I love to be out of Debt, tho' 'tis being out of the -Fashion. So, d'ye hear! Give this honest Gentleman half a score good -Strokes on the Back with a Cudgel. - -_Quaint._ By no means in the World, Sir. - -_Esop._ Indeed, Sir, you shall take 'em. - -_Quaint._ Sir, I don't merit half your Bounty. - -_Esop._ O 'tis but a Trifle! - -_Quaint._ Your Generosity makes me blush. - - [_Looking about to make his Escape._ - -_Esop._ That's your Modesty, Sir. - -_Quaint._ Sir, you are pleased to compliment. But a----twenty Pedigrees -for a clear Coast. - - [_Running off, the Servant after him._ - -_Esop._ Wait upon him down Stairs, Fellow; I'd do't myself, were I but -nimble enough; but he makes haste, to avoid Ceremony. - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Serv._ Sir, here's a Lady in great haste, desires to speak with you. - -_Esop._ Let her come in. - - _Enter ~Aminta~, weeping._ - -_Amin._ O Sir, if you don't help me, I'm undone. - -_Esop._ What, what's the Matter, Lady? - -_Amin._ My Daughter, Sir, my Daughter's run away with a filthy Fellow. - -_Esop._ A slippery Trick indeed! - -_Amin._ For Heaven's sake, Sir, send immediately to pursue 'em, and -seize 'em. But 'tis in vain, 'twill be too late, 'twill be too late; -I'll warrant at this very Moment they are got together in a Room with -a Couch in't; all's gone, all's gone; tho' 'twere made of Gold, 'tis -lost: Oh! my Honour, my Honour. A forward Girl she was always; I saw -it in her Eyes the very Day of her Birth. - -_Esop._ That indeed was early; but how do you know she's gone with a -Fellow? - -_Amin._ I have e'en her own insolent Hand-writing for't: Sir, take but -the pains to read what a Letter she has left me. - -_Esop._ Reads. - - _I love and am belov'd, and that's the Reason I run away._ - -Short, but significant!----_I'm sure there's no Body knows better than -your Ladyship what Allowances are to be made to Flesh and Blood; I -therefore hope this from your Justice, that what you have done three -Times yourself, you'll pardon once in your Daughter._ _The Dickens!_ - -_Amin._ Now, Sir, what do you think of the Business? - -_Esop._ Why truly, Lady, I think it one of the most natural Businesses -I have met with a great while. I'll tell you a Story. - - _A Crab-fish once her Daughter told, - (In Terms that savour'd much of Scold) - She cou'd not bear to see her go - Sidle, sidle, to and fro: - The Devil's in the Wench, quoth she, - When so much Money has been paid - To polish you like me, - It makes me almost mad to see - Y'are still so awkward, an ungainly Jade. - Her Daughter smil'd, and look'd a-skew; } - She answer'd (for to give her her due) } - Pertly, as most Folks Daughters do: } - Madam, your Ladyship, quoth she, - Is pleas'd to blame in me - What, on Enquiry, you may find, - Admits a passable Excuse, - From a Proverb much in use, - ~That Cat will after kind~._ - -_Amin._ Sir, I took you to be a Man better bred, than to liken a Lady -to a Crab-fish. - -_Esop._ What I want in Good-breeding, Lady, I have in Truth and -Honesty: As what you have wanted in Virtue, you have had in a good Face. - -_Amin._ Have had, Sir! What I have had, I have still; and shall have a -great while, I hope. I'm no Grandmother, Sir. - -_Esop._ But in a fair way for't, Madam. - -_Amin._ Thanks to my Daughter's Forwardness then, not my Years. I'd -have you to know, Sir, I have never a Wrinkle in my Face. A young pert -Slut! Who'd think she shou'd know so much at her Age? - -_Esop._ Good Masters make quick Scholars, Lady; she has learn'd her -Exercise from you. - -_Amin._ But where's the Remedy, Sir? - -_Esop._ In trying if a good Example will reclaim her, as an ill one has -debauch'd her. Live private, and avoid Scandal. - -_Amin._ Never speak it; I can no more retire, than I can go to Church -twice on a Sunday. - -_Esop._ What, your youthful Blood boils in your Veins, I'll warrant? - -_Amin._ I have Warmth enough to endure the Air, old Gentleman. I need -not shut myself up in a House these twenty Years. - -_Esop._ [_Aside._] She takes a long Lease of Lewdness: She'll be an -admirable Tenant to Lust. - -_Amin._ [_Walking hastily to and fro._] People think when a Woman is -turn'd Forty, she's old enough to turn out of the World: But I say, -when a Woman is turn'd Forty, she's old enough to have more Wit. The -most can be said is, her Face is the worse for wearing: I'll answer -for all the rest of her Fabrick. The Men wou'd be to be pity'd, by my -troth, wou'd they, if we shou'd quit the Stage, and leave 'em nothing -but a parcel of young pert Sluts, that neither know how to speak -Sense, nor keep themselves clean. But, don't let 'em fear, we a'n't -going yet----[_~Esop~ stares upon her, and as she turns from him, runs -off the Stage._] How now! What left alone! An unmannerly Piece of -Deformity! Methinks he might have had Sense enough to have made Love -to me. But I have found Men strangely dull for the last ten or twelve -Years: Sure they'll mend in Time, or the World won't be worth living in. - - _For let Philosophers say all they can, - The Source of Women's Joys is plac'd in Man._ - - [Exit. - - _Enter ~Learchus~ and ~Euphronia~, ~Doris~ following at - a Distance._ - -_Lear._ [_To Euph._] I must tell you, Mistress, I'm too mild with you; -Parents shou'd never intreat their Children, nor will I hereafter. -Therefore, in a Word, let _Esop_ be lov'd, let _Oronces_ be hated; let -one be a Peacock, let t'other be a Bat: I'm Father, you are Daughter; I -command, and you shall obey. - -_Euph._ I never yet did otherwise; nor shall I now, Sir; but pray let -Reason guide you. - -_Lear._ So it does: But 'tis my own, not yours, Hussy. - -_Dor._ Ah--Well, I'll say no more; but were I in her Place, by the -Mass, I'd have a tug for't. - -_Lear._ Dæmon, born to distract me! Whence art thou, in the Name of -Fire and Brimstone? Have I not satisfy'd thee? Have I not paid thee -what's thy due? And have not I turn'd thee out of Doors, with Orders -never more to stride my Threshold, ha? Answer, abominable Spirit; what -is't that makes thee haunt me? - -_Dor._ A foolish Passion to do you good, in spite of your Teeth: Pox on -me for my Zeal, I say. - -_Lear._ And Pox on thee, and thy Zeal too, I say. - -_Dor._ Now if it were not for her Sake more than for yours, I'd leave -all to your own Management, to be reveng'd of you. But rather than I'll -see that sweet Thing sacrificed--I'll play the Devil in your House. - -_Lear._ Patience, I summon thee to my Aid. - -_Dor._ Passion, I defy thee; to the last Drop of my Blood I'll maintain -my Ground. What have you to charge me with? Speak! I love your Child -better than you do, and you can't bear that, ha? Is't not so? Nay, -'tis well y'are asham'd on't; there's some Sign of Grace still. Look -you, Sir, in a few Words, you'll make me mad; and 'twere enough to -make any Body mad (who has Brains enough to be so) to see so much -Virtue shipwreck'd at the very Port. The World never saw a Virgin -better qualify'd; so witty, so discreet, so modest, so chaste: in a -Word, I brought her up myself, and 'twould be the Death of me to see -so virtuous a Maid become a lewd Wife; which is the usual Effect of -Parents Pride and Covetousness. - -_Lear._ How, Strumpet! wou'd any Thing be able to debauch my Daughter? - -_Dor._ Your Daughter! Yes, your Daughter, and myself into the Bargain: -A Woman's but a Woman; and I'll lay a hundred Pound on Nature's side. -Come, Sir, few Words dispatch Business. Let who will be the Wife of -_Esop_, she's a Fool, or he's a Cuckold. But you'll never have a true -Notion of this Matter, till you suppose yourself in your Daughter's -Place. As thus: You are a pretty, soft, warm, wishing young Lady: I'm a -straight, proper, handsome, vigorous, young Fellow. You have a peevish, -positive, covetous, old Father, and he forces you to marry a little, -lean, crooked, dry, sapless Husband. This Husband's gone abroad, you -are left at home. I make you a Visit; find you all alone: the Servant -pulls to the Door; the Devil comes in at the Window. I begin to -wheedle, you begin to melt: you like my Person, and therefore believe -all I say: so first I make you an Atheist, and then I make you a Whore. -Thus the World goes, Sir. - -_Lear._ Pernicious Pestilence! Has not thy eternal Tongue run down its -Larum yet? - -_Dor._ Yes. - -_Lear._ Then go out of my House, Abomination. - -_Dor._ I'll not stir a Foot. - -_Lear._ Who waits there? Bring me my great Stick. - -_Dor._ Bring you a Stick! Bring you a Head-piece: That you'd call for, -if you knew your own wants. - -_Lear._ Death and Furies, the Devil and so forth! I shall run -distracted. - -_Euph._ Pray, Sir, don't be so angry at her. I'm sure she means well, -tho' she may have an odd way of expressing herself. - -_Lear._ What, you like her meaning? Who doubts it, Offspring of -_Venus_? But I'll make you stay your Stomach with Meat of my chusing, -you liquorish young Baggage you. In a Word, _Esop_'s the Man; and -to-morrow he shall be your Lord and Master. But since he can't be -satisfied unless he has your Heart, as well as all the rest of your -Trumpery, let me see you receive him in such a Manner that he may -think himself your Choice as well as mine; 'twill make him esteem your -Judgment: For we usually guess at other People's Understandings, by -their approving our Actions and liking our Faces. See here, the great -Man comes! [_To ~Dor~._] Follow me, Insolence; and leave 'em to express -their Passion to each other. [_To ~Euph~._] Remember my last Word to -you is, Obey. - -_Dor._ [_To ~Euph.~ aside._] And remember my last Advice to you is, -Rebel. - - [_Exit ~Lear.~ ~Dor.~ following him._ - -_Euph._ Alas, I'm good-natured; the last Thing that's said to me -usually leaves the deepest Impression. - - _Enter ~Esop~; they stand some Time without speaking._ - -_Esop._--They say, That Lovers, for want of Words, have Eyes to speak -with. I'm afraid you do not understand the Language of mine, since -yours, I find, will make no Answer to 'em. But I must tell you, Lady, -there is a numerous Train of youthful Virgins, that are endow'd with -Wealth and Beauty too, who yet have thought it worth their Pains and -Care to point their Darts at _Esop_'s homely Breast; whilst you so much -contemn what they pursue, that a young senseless Fop's preferr'd before -me. - -_Euph._ Did you but know that Fop you dare to term so, his very Looks -wou'd fright you into nothing. - -_Esop._ A very Bauble. - -_Euph._ How! - -_Esop._ A Butterfly. - -_Euph._ I can't bear it. - -_Esop._ A Parroquet can prattle and look gaudy. - -_Euph._ It may be so; but let me paint him and you in your proper -Colours, I'll do it exactly, and you shall judge which I ought to chuse. - -_Esop._ No, hold; I'm naturally not over-curious; besides, 'tis Pride -makes People have their Pictures drawn. - -_Euph._ Upon my Word, Sir, you may have yours taken a hundred times -before any Body will believe 'tis done upon that Account. - -_Esop._ [_Aside._] How severe she is upon me! You are resolv'd then to -persist, and be fond of your Feather; sigh for a Perriwig, and die for -a Cravat string. - -_Euph._ Methinks, Sir, you might treat with more respect what I've -thought fit to own I value; your Affronts to him are doubly such to me; -if you continue your provoking Language, you must expect my Tongue will -sally too; and if you are as wise as some would make you, you can't but -know I shou'd have Theme enough. - -_Esop._ But is it possible you can love so much as you pretend? - -_Euph._ Why do you question it? - -_Esop._ Because Nobody loves so much as they pretend: But hark you, -young Lady: Marriage is to last a long, long Time; and where one Couple -bless the sacred Knot, a Train of Wretches curse the Institution. You -are in an Age where Hearts are young and tender; a pleasing Object gets -Admittance soon. But since to Marriage there's annexed this dreadful -Word, _For ever_, the following Example ought to move you: - - _A Peacock once, of splendid show, - Gay, gaudy, foppish, vain----a Beau, - Attack'd a fond young Pheasant's Heart - With such Success, - He pleas'd her, tho' he made her smart; - He pierc'd her with so much Address, - She smil'd the Moment that he fixt his Dart. - A Cuckow in a neighbouring Tree, - Rich, honest, ugly, old----like me, - Lov'd her as he lov'd his Life: - No pamper'd Priest e'er study'd more - To make a virtuous Nun a Whore, - Than he to get her for his Wife: - But all his Offers still were vain, - His Limbs were weak, his Face was plain; - Beauty, Youth, and Vigour weigh'd - With the warm desiring Maid: - No Bird, she cry'd, wou'd serve her turn, - But what cou'd quench as well as burn; - She'd have a young Gallant: so one she had. - But 'ere a Month was come and gone, } - The Bride began to change her tone, } - She found a young Gallant was an inconstant one. } - She wander'd to a neighbouring Grove, - Where after musing long on Love, - She told her Confidant, she found, - When for one's Life one must be bound, - (Tho' Youth indeed was a delicious Bait) - An aged Husband, rich, tho' plain, } - Wou'd give a slavish Wife less Pain; } - And, what was more, was sooner slain, } - Which was a Thing of Weight._ - -Behold, young Lady, here, the Cuckow of the Fable; I'm deform'd, 'tis -true, yet I have found the Means to make a Figure amongst Men, that -well has recompens'd the Wrongs of Nature; my Rival's Beauty promises -you much; perhaps my homely Form might yield you more; at least, -consider on't, 'tis worth your Thought. - - _Euph._ I must confess, my Fortune wou'd be greater; - But what's a Fortune to a Heart like mine? - 'Tis true, I'm but a young Philosopher, - Yet in that little Space my Glass has run, - I've spent some Time in search of Happiness: - The fond Pursuit I soon observ'd of Riches, - Inclin'd me to enquire into their Worth: - I found their Value was not in themselves, - But in their Power to grant what we cou'd ask. - I then proceeded to my own Desires, - To know what State of Life wou'd suit with them: - I found 'em moderate in their Demands, - They neither ask'd for Title, State, or Power: - They slighted the aspiring Post of Envy: - 'Tis true, they trembled at the Name Contempt; - A general Esteem was all they wish'd; - And that I did not doubt might be obtain'd, - If furnish'd but with Virtue and Good-nature; - My Fortune prov'd sufficient to afford me - Conveniences of Life, and Independence. - This, Sir, was the Result of my Enquiry; - And by this Scheme of Happiness I build, - When I prefer the Man I love to you. - -_Esop._ How wise, how witty, and how cleanly, young Women grow, as soon -as ever they are in love! - -_Euph._ How foppish, how impertinent, and how nauseous are old Men, -when they pretend to be so too! - -_Esop._ How pert is Youth! - -_Euph._ How dull is Age! - -_Esop._ Why so sharp, young Lady? - -_Euph._ Why so blunt, old Gentleman? - -_Esop._ 'Tis enough; I'll to your Father, I know how to deal with -him, though I don't know how to deal with you. Before to-morrow Noon, -Damsel, Wife shall be written on your Brow. - - [_Exit ~Esop~._ - -_Euph._ Then before to-morrow Night, Statesman, Husband shall be stampt -upon your Forehead. - - [_Exit ~Euph~._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ IV. - - - _Enter ~Oronces~ and ~Doris~._ - -_Dor._ Patience, I beseech you. - -_Oron._ Patience! What, and see that lovely Creature thrown into the -Arms of that pedantick Monster! 'Sdeath, I'd rather see the World -reduc'd to A'toms, Mankind turn'd into Crawfish, and myself an old -Woman. - -_Dor._ So you think an old Woman a very unfortunate thing, I find; -but you are mistaken, Sir; she may plague other Folks, but she's as -entertaining to herself, as any one Part of the Creation. - -_Oron._ [_Walking to and fro._] She's the Devil----and I'm one of the -damn'd, I think. But I'll make somebody howl for't; I will so. - -_Dor._ You'll e'en do as all the young Fellows in the Town do, spoil -your own Sport: Ah----had young Mens Shoulders but old Courtiers Heads -upon 'em, what a delicious Time wou'd they have on't! For shame, be -wise; for your Mistress's sake at least use some Caution. - -_Oron._ For her sake I'll respect, even like a Deity, her Father. He -shall strike me, he shall tread upon me, and find me humbler even -than a crawling Worm, for I'll not turn again; but for _Esop_, that -unfinish'd Lump, that Chaos of Humanity, I'll use him----nay, expect -it, for I'll do it----the first Moment that I'll see him, I'll---- - -_Dor._ Not challenge him, I hope----'Twould be a pretty sight, truly, -to see _Esop_ drawn up in Battalia! Fye for shame, be wise once in your -Life; think of gaining Time, by putting off the Marriage for a Day or -two, and not of waging War with a Pigmy. Yonder's the old Gentleman -walking by himself in the Gallery; go and wheedle him, you know his -weak side; he's good-natur'd in the bottom. Stir up his old fatherly -Bowels a little, I'll warrant you'll move him at last: go, get you -gone, and play your Part discreetly. - -_Oron._ Well, I'll try; but if Words won't do with one, Blows shall -with t'other; by Heavens, they shall. - - [_Exit. ~Oron~._ - - _Doris ~sola~._ - -Nay, I reckon we shall have rare work on't bye and bye. Shield us, kind -Heaven! what Things are Men in love? Now they are Stocks and Stones; -then they are Fire and Quick-silver; first whining and crying, then -swearing and damning: This Moment they are in Love, and next Moment -they are out of Love: Ah--cou'd we but live without 'em--but 'tis in -vain to think on't. - - [_Exit._ - - _Enter ~Esop~ at one side of the Stage, Mrs. ~Forge-will~ - at t'other._ - -_Forg._ Sir, I'm your most devoted Servant! What I say is no -Compliment, I do assure you. - -_Esop._ Madam, as far as you are really mine, I believe I may venture -to assure you, I am yours. - -_Forg._ I suppose, Sir, you know that I'm a Widow. - -_Esop._ Madam, I don't so much as know you are a Woman. - -_Forg._ O surprizing! Why, I thought the whole Town had known it. Sir, -I have been a Widow this Twelvemonth. - -_Esop._ If a Body may guess at your Heart by your Petticoat, Lady, you -don't design to be so a Twelvemonth more. - -_Forg._ O bless me! Not a Twelvemonth! Why, my Husband has left me four -squalling Brats. Besides, Sir, I'm undone. - -_Esop._ You seem as chearful an undone Lady as I have met with. - -_Forg._ Alas, Sir, I have too great a Spirit ever to let Afflictions -spoil my Face. Sir, I'll tell you my Condition; and that will lead me -to my Business with you. Sir, my Husband was a Scriviner. - -_Esop._ The deuce he was: I thought he had been a Count, at least. - -_Forg._ Sir, it is not the first Time I have been taken for a Countess; -my Mother us'd to say, as I lay in my Cradle, I had the Air of a Woman -of Quality; and truly I have always liv'd like such. My Husband, -indeed, had something sneaking in him (as most Husbands have, you know, -Sir); but, from the Moment I set Foot in his House, bless me, what a -Change was there! His Pewter was turn'd into Silver, his Goloshoes into -a Glass Coach, and his little travelling Mare into a Pair of _Flanders_ -Horses. Instead of a greasy Cook-maid to wait at Table, I had four tall -Footmen in clean Linen; all Things became new and fashionable, and -nothing look'd aukward in my Family. My Furniture was the Wonder of my -Neighbourhood, and my Clothes the Admiration of the whole Town; I had -a Necklace that was envy'd by the Queen, and a Pair of Pendants that -set a Dutchess a-crying. In a Word, I saw nothing I lik'd but I bought -it; and my Husband, good Man, durst ne'er refuse paying for't. Thus I -liv'd, and I flourish'd, till he sicken'd and dy'd: but ere he was cold -in his Grave, his Creditors plunder'd my House. But, what pity it was -to see Fellows with dirty Shoes come into my best Rooms, and touch my -Hangings with their filthy Fingers! You won't blame me, Sir, if, with -all my Courage, I weep at this sensible Part of my Misfortune. - -_Esop._ A very sad Story, truly! - -_Forg._ But now, Sir, to my Business. Having been inform'd this -Morning, That the King has appointed a great Sum of Money for the -Marriage of young Women who have liv'd well, and are fallen to decay, -I am come to acquaint you I have two strapping Daughters, just fit for -the Matter, and to desire you'll help 'em to Portions out of the King's -Bounty; that they mayn't whine and pine, and be eaten up with the -Green-sickness, as half the young Women in the Town are, or wou'd be, -if there were not more Helps for the Disease than one. This, Sir, is my -Business. - -_Esop._ And this, Madam, is my Answer: - - _A crawling Toad, all speckled o'er, - Vain, gaudy, painted, patch'd----a Whore, - Seeing a well-fed Ox hard by, - Regards him with an envious Eye, - And (as the Poets tell) - Ye Gods, I cannot bear't, quoth she, - I'll burst, or be as big as he, - And so began to swell. - Her Friends and Kindred round her came, - They shew'd her she was much to blame, - The Thing was out of reach. - She told 'em they were busy Folk, - And when her Husband wou'd have spoke, - She bid him kiss her Br----. - With that they all e'en gave her o'er, - And she persisted as before, - Till with a deal of Strife - She swell'd at last so much her Spleen, - She burst like one that we have seen, - Who was a Scrivener's Wife._ - -This, Widow, I take to be your Case, and that of a great many others; -for this is an Age where most People get Falls, by clambering too -high, to reach at what they should not do. The Shoemaker's Wife -reduces her Husband to a Cobler, by endeavouring to be as spruce as -the Taylor's: The Taylor's brings hers to a Botcher, by going as fine -as the Mercer's: The Mercer's lowers hers to a Foreman, by perking up -to the Merchant's: The Merchant's wears hers to a Broker, by strutting -up to Quality: And Quality bring theirs to nothing, by striving to -out-do one another. If Women were humbler, Men wou'd be honester. Pride -brings Want, Want makes Rogues, Rogues come to be hang'd, and the Devil -alone's the Gainer. Go your ways home, Woman; and as your Husband -maintain'd you by his Pen, maintain yourself by your Needle; put your -great Girls to service, Imployment will keep them honest; much Work and -plain Diet will cure the Green-Sickness as well as a Husband---- - -_Forg._ Why, you pityful Pigmy; preaching, canting, Pickthank; you -little, sorry, crooked, dry, wither'd Eunuch, do you know that---- - -_Esop._ I know that I'm so deform'd you han't Wit enough to describe -me: But I have this good Quality, That a foolish Woman can never make -me angry. - -_Forg._ Can't she so? I'll try that, I will. - - [_She falls - upon him, holds his Hands, and boxes his Ears._ - -_Esop._ Help, help, help. - - _Enter Servants. She runs off, they after her._ - -_Esop._ Nay, e'en let her go----let her go----don't bring her back -again----I'm for making a Bridge of Gold for my Enemy to retreat -upon----I'm quite out of Breath----A terrible Woman, I protest. - - _Enter a Country Gentleman drunk, in a hunting Dress, - with a Huntsman, Groom, Falconer, and other Servants; - one leading a couple of Hounds, another Grey-Hounds, - a third a Spaniel, a fourth a Gun upon his - Shoulder, the Falconer a Hawk upon his Fist, ~&c.~_ - -_Gent._ Haux, haux, haux, haux, haux! Joular, there Boy, Joular, -Joular, Tinker, Pedlar, Miss, Miss, Miss, Miss, Miss--Blood and Oons--O -there he is; that must be he, I have seen his Picture [_Reeling upon_ -Esop].--Sir,--if your Name's _Esop_--I'm your humble Servant. - -_Esop._ Sir, my Name is _Esop_, at your Service. - -_Gent._ Why then, Sir--Compliments being past on both sides, with your -leave--we'll proceed to Business. Sir, I'm by Profession--a Gentleman -of--three thousand Pounds a Year--Sir, I keep a good Pack of Hounds, -a good Stable of Horses. [_To his Groom._] How many Horses have I, -Sirrah?--Sir, this is my Groom. - - [_Presenting him to ~Esop~._ - -_Groom._ Your Worship has six Coach-horses, (Cut and Long-Tail) two -Runners, half a dozen Hunters, four breeding Mares, and two blind -Stallions, besides Pads, Routs, and Dog-Horses. - -_Gent._ Look you there, Sir, I scorn to tell a Lye. He that questions -my Honour--he's a Son of a Whore. But to Business--Having heard, -Sir, that you were come to this Town, I have taken the Pains to come -hither too, tho' I had a great deal of Business upon my Hands, for I -have appointed three _Justices of the Peace_ to hunt with 'em this -Morning----and be drunk with 'em in the Afternoon. But the main Chance -must be look'd to--and that's this----I desire, Sir, you'll tell the -King from me--I don't like these Taxes--in one Word, as well as in -twenty--I don't like these Taxes. - -_Esop._ Pray, Sir, how high may you be tax'd? - -_Gent._ How high may I be tax'd, Sir! Why I may be tax'd, Sir--four -Shillings in the Pound, Sir; one half I pay in Money--and t'other half -I pay in Perjury, Sir: Hey, Joular, Joular, Joular. Haux, haux, haux, -haux, haux. Hoo, hoo----Here's the best Hound-bitch in _Europe_----Oons -is she. And I had rather kiss her than kiss my Wife----Rot me if I had -not----But, Sir, I don't like these Taxes. - -_Esop._ Why how wou'd you have the War carry'd on? - -_Gent._ War carried on, Sir!----Why, I had rather have no War carried -on at all, Sir, than pay Taxes. I don't desire to be ruin'd, Sir. - -_Esop._ Why you say, you have three thousand Pounds a Year. - -_Gent._ And so I have, Sir----_Lett-Acre!_----Sir, this is my Steward. -How much Land have I, _Lett-Acre_? - -_Lett-Acre._ Your Worship has three thausand Paunds a Year, as good -Lond as any's i'th' Caunty; and two thausand Paunds worth of Wood to -cut dawne at your Worship's Pleasure, and put the Money in your Pocket. - -_Gent._ Look you there, Sir, what have you to say to that? - -_Esop._ I have to say, Sir, that you may pay your Taxes in Money, -instead of Perjury, and still have a better Revenue than I'm afraid you -deserve. What Service do you do your King, Sir? - -_Gent._ None at all, Sir--I'm above it. - -_Esop._ What Service may you do your Country, pray? - -_Gent._ I'm Justice of the Peace----and Captain of the Militia. - -_Esop._ Of what use are you to your Kindred? - -_Gent._ I'm the Head of the Family, and have all the Estate. - -_Esop._ What Good do you do your Neighbours? - -_Gent._ I give them their Bellies full of Beef every time they come to -see me; and make 'em so drunk, they spew it up again before they go -away. - -_Esop._ How do you use your Tenants? - -_Gent._ Why, I skrew up their Rents till they break and run away, and -if I catch 'em again, I let 'em rot in a Gaol. - -_Esop._ How do you treat your Wife? - -_Gent._ I treat her all Day with Ill-nature and Tobacco, and all Night -with snoring and a dirty Shirt. - -_Esop._ How do you breed your Children? - -_Gent._ I breed my eldest Son----a Fool; my youngest breed themselves, -and my Daughters----have no Breeding at all. - -_Esop._ 'Tis very well, Sir; I shall be sure to speak to the King of -you; or if you think fit to remonstrate to him, by way of Petition or -Address, how reasonable it may be to let Men of your Importance go -Scot-free, in the Time of a necessary War, I'll deliver it in Council, -and speak to it as I ought. - -_Gent._ Why, Sir, I don't disapprove your Advice, but my Clerk is not -here, and I can't spell well. - -_Esop._ You may get it writ at your leisure, and send it me. But -because you are not much used to draw up Addresses, perhaps; I'll tell -you in general what kind of one this ought to be. - - * * * * * - -_May it please your Majesty_---- - -_To the Gent._] You'll excuse me, if I don't know your Name and Title. - -_Gent._ Sir _Polydorus Hogstye_, of _Beast-Hall_ in _Swine-County_. - -_Esop._ Very well. - -_May it please your Majesty; ~Polydorus Hogstye~, of ~Beast-hall~ in -~Swine-County~, most humbly represents, That he hates to pay Taxes, -the dreadful Consequences of 'em being inevitably these, That he must -retrench two Dishes in ten, where not above six of 'em are design'd for -Gluttony._ - -_Four Bottles out of twenty; where not above fifteen of 'em are for -Drunkenness._ - -_Six Horses out of thirty; of which not above twenty are kept for -State._ - -_And four Servants out of a Score; where one half do nothing but make -Work for t'other._ - -_To this deplorable Condition must your important Subject be reduc'd, -or forc'd to cut down his Timber, which he wou'd willingly persevere -against an ill run at Dice._ - -_And as to the Necessity of the War for the Security of the Kingdom, -he neither knows nor cares whether it be necessary or not._ - -_He concludes with his Prayers for your Majesty's Life, upon Condition -you will protect him and his Fox Hounds at Beast-Hall, without e'er a -Penny of Money._ - -_To the Gent._] This, Sir, I suppose, is much what you wou'd be at. - -_Gent._ Exactly, Sir; I'll be sure to have one drawn up to the -self-same purpose: and next Fox-Hunting I'll engage half the Company -shall set their Hands to't. Sir, I am your----most devoted Servant; and -if you please to let me see you at _Beast-Hall_, here's my Huntsman, -_Houndsfoot_, will shew you a Fox shall lead you through so many Hedges -and Briars, you shall have no more Clothes on your Back in half an -Hour's Time--than you had----in the Womb of your Mother. Haux, haux, -haux, &c. - - [_Exit shouting._ - -Esop. _O Tempora, O Mores!_ - - _Enter Mr. ~Fruitful~ and his Wife._ - -_Mr. Fruit._ Heavens preserve the noble _Esop_, grant him long Life and -happy Days. - -_Mrs. Fruit._ And send him a fruitful Wife, with a hopeful Issue! - -_Esop._ And what is it I'm to do for you, good People, to make you -amends for all these friendly Wishes? - -_Mr. Fruit._ Sir, here's myself and my Wife-- - -_Mrs. Fruit._ Sir, here's I and my Husband--[_To her Husband._] Let -me speak in my turn, Goodman _Forward_. [_To ~Esop~._] Sir, here's I -and my Husband, I say, think we have as good Pretensions to the King's -Favour as ever a Lord in the Land. - -_Esop._ If you have no better than some Lords in the Land, I hope you -won't expect much for your Service. - -_Mr. Fruit._ An't please you, you shall be Judge yourself. - -_Mrs. Fruit._ That's as he gives Sentence, Mr. _Littlewit_; who gave -you Power to come to a Reference? If he does not do us right, the -King himself shall; what's to be done here! [_To ~Esop~._] Sir, I'm -forc'd to correct my Husband a little; poor Man, he is not us'd to -Court-Business; but to give him his due, he's ready enough at some -Things: Sir, I have had twenty fine Children by him; fifteen of 'em are -alive, and alive like to be; five tall Daughters are wedded and bedded, -and ten proper Sons serve their King and their Country. - -_Esop._ A goodly Company, upon my Word! - -_Mrs. Fruit._ Would all Men take as much Pains for the peopling of the -Kingdom, we might tuck up our Aprons, and cry, A Fig for our Enemies; -but we have such a Parcel of Drones amongst us----Hold up your Head, -Husband----He's a little out of Countenance, Sir, because I chid -him; but the Man is a very good Man at the Bottom. But to come to my -Business, Sir, I hope his Majesty will think it reasonable to allow me -something for the Service I have done him; 'tis pity but Labour shou'd -be encourag'd, especially when what one has done, one has done't with a -Good-will. - -_Esop._ What Profession are you of, good People? - -_Mrs. Fruit._ My Husband's an Inn-keeper, Sir; he bears the Name, but I -govern the House. - -_Esop._ And what Posts are your Sons in, in the Service? - -_Mrs. Fruit._. Sir, there are four Monks. - -_Mr. Fruit._ Three Attorneys. - -_Mrs. Fruit._ Two Scriveners. - -_Mr. Fruit._ And an Exciseman. - -_Esop._ The deuce o'the Service; why, I thought they had been all in -the Army. - -_Mrs. Fruit._ Not one, Sir. - -_Esop._ No, so it seems, by my Troth: Ten Sons that serve their -Country, quotha! Monks, Attorneys, Scriveners and Excisemen, serve -their Country with a Vengeance: you deserve to be rewarded, truly; you -deserve to be hang'd, you wicked People, you. Get you gone out of my -sight: I never was so angry in my Life. - - [_Exit ~Esop~._ - -_Mr. Fruit. to his Wife._] So; who's in the right now, you or I? I told -you what wou'd come on't; you must be always a Breeding, and Breeding, -and the King wou'd take Care of 'em, and the Queen wou'd take Care of -'em: And always some Pretence or other there was. But now we have got a -great Kennel of Whelps, and the Devil will take Care of 'em, for aught -I see. For your Sons are all Rogues, and your Daughters are all Whores; -you know they are. - -_Mrs. Fruit._ What, you are a grudging of your Pains now, you lazy, -sluggish, flegmatick Drone. You have a Mind to die of a Lethargy, have -you? but I'll raise your Spirits for you, I will so. Get you gone home, -go; go home, you idle Sot, you; I'll raise your Spirits for you. - - [_Exit, pushing him before her._ - - _Re-enter ~Esop~._ - -_Esop. solus._] Monks, Attorneys, Scriveners, and Excisemen! - - _Enter ~Oronces~._ - -_Oron._ O here he is. Sir, I have been searching for you, to say two -Words to you. - -_Esop._ And now you have found me, Sir, what are they? - -_Oron._ They are, Sir----that my Name's Oronces: You comprehend me. - -_Esop._ I comprehend your Name. - -_Oron._ And not my Business? - -_Esop._ Not I, by my Troth. - -_Oron._ Then I shall endeavour to teach it you, Monsieur _Esop_. - -_Esop._ And I to learn it, Monsieur _Oronces_. - -_Oron._ Know, Sir----that I admire _Euphronia_. - -_Esop._ Know, Sir----that you are in the right on't. - -_Oron._ But I pretend, Sir, that Nobody else shall admire her. - -_Esop._ Then I pretend, Sir, she won't admire you. - -_Oron._ Why so, Sir? - -_Esop._ Because, Sir---- - -_Oron._ What, Sir? - -_Esop._ She's a Woman, Sir. - -_Oron._ What then, Sir? - -_Esop._ Why, then, Sir, she desires to be admir'd by every Man she -meets. - -_Oron._ Sir, you are too familiar. - -_Esop._ Sir, you are too haughty; I must soften that harsh Tone of -yours: It don't become you, Sir; it makes a Gentleman appear a Porter, -Sir: And that you may know the Use of good Language, I'll tell you what -once happen'd. _Once an a Time_---- - -_Oron._ I'll have none of your old Wives Fables, Sir, I have no Time to -lose; therefore, in a Word---- - -_Esop._ In a Word, be mild: For nothing else will do you Service. Good -Manners and soft Words have brought many a difficult Thing to pass. -Therefore hear me patiently. - - _A Cook one Day, who had been drinking, - (Only as many Times, you know, - You spruce, young, witty Beaux will do, - To avoid the dreadful Pain of thinking) - Had Orders sent him to behead - A Goose, like any Chaplain fed. - He took such Pains to set his Knife right, - 'T had done one good t'have lost one's Life by't. - But many Men have many Minds, - There's various Tastes in various Kinds: - A Swan (who by Mistake he seiz'd) - With wretched Life was better pleas'd: - For as he went to give the Blow, - In tuneful Notes she let him know, - She neither was a Goose, nor wish'd - To make her ~Exit~ so. - The Cook (who thought of nought but Blood, - Except it were the Grease, - For that you know's his Fees) - To hear her sing, in great Amazement stood. - Cod's fish! quoth he, 'twas well you spoke, - For I was just upon the Stroke: - Your Feathers have so much of Goose, - A drunken Cook cou'd do no less - Than think you one: That you'll confess: - But y' have a Voice so soft, so sweet, - That rather than you shall be eat, - The House shall starve for want of Meat: - And so he turn'd her loose._ - -_To ~Oron~._] Now, Sir, what say you? will you be the Swan, or the -Goose? - - _Oron._ The Choice can't, sure, be difficult to make; - I hope you will excuse my youthful Heat, - Young Men and Lovers have a Claim to Pardon: - But since the Faults of Age have no such Plea, - I hope you'll be more cautious of offending. - The Flame that warms _Euphronia_'s Heart and mine, - Has long, alas! been kindled in our Breasts: - Even Years are past since our two Souls were wed, - 'Twou'd be Adultery but to wish to part 'em. - And wou'd a Lump of Clay alone content you, - A Mistress cold and senseless in your Arms, - Without the least Remains or Signs of Life, - Except her Sighs to mourn her absent Lover? - Whilst you shou'd press her in your eager Arms, - With fond Desire and Extasy of Love, - Wou'd it not pierce you to the very Soul, - To see her Tears run trickling down her Cheeks, - And know their Fountain meant 'em all to me? - Cou'd you bear this? - Yet thus the Gods revenge themselves on those - Who stop the happy Course of mutual Love. - If you must be unfortunate one way, - Choose that where Justice may support your Grief, - And shun the weighty Curse of injur'd Lovers. - - _Esop._ Why, this is pleading like a Swan, indeed! - Were any Thing at Stake but my _Euphronia_---- - - _Oron._ Your _Euphronia_! Sir---- - - _Esop._ The Goose----take heed---- - Were any Thing, I say, at Stake but her, - Your Plea wou'd be too strong to be refus'd. - But our Debate's about a Lady, Sir, - That's young, that's beautiful, that's made for Love. - ----So am not I, you'll say: But you're mistaken; - I'm made to love, tho' not to be belov'd. - I have a Heart like yours; I've Folly too: - I've every Instrument of Love like others. - - _Oron._ But, Sir, you have not been so long a Lover; - Your Passion's young and tender, - 'Tis easy for you to become its Master: - Whilst I shou'd strive in vain; mine's old and fixt. - -_Esop._ The older 'tis, the easier to be govern'd; Were mine of as long -a standing, 'twere possible I might get the better on't. Old Passions -are like old Men; weak, and soon jostled into the Kennel. - -_Oron._ Yet Age sometimes is strong, even to the Verge of Life. - -_Esop._ Ah, but there our Comparison don't hold. - -_Oron._ You are too merry to be much in Love. - -_Esop._ And you too sad to be so long. - -_Oron._ My grief may end my Days, so quench my Flame, but nothing else -can e'er extinguish it. - -_Esop._ Don't be discourag'd, Sir, I have seen many a Man outlive his -Passion twenty Years. - -_Oron._ But I have sworn to die _Euphronia_'s Slave. - -_Esop._ A decay'd Face always absolves a Lover's Oath. - -_Oron._ Lovers whose Oaths are made to Faces, then; But 'tis -_Euphronia_'s Soul that I adore, which never can decay. - -_Esop._ I wou'd fain see a young Fellow in love with a Soul of -Threescore. - - _Oron._ Quit but _Euphronia_ to me, and you shall; - At least if Heaven's Bounty will afford us - But Years, enow to prove my Constancy, - And this is all I ask the Gods and you. - - [_Exit ~Oron~._ - - _~Esop~ solus._ - -A good Pretence, however, to beg long Life. How grosly do the -Inclinations of the Flesh impose upon the Simplicity of the Spirit! -Had this young Fellow but study'd Anatomy, he'd have found the Source -of his Passion lay far from his Mistress's Soul. Alas! alas! Had Women -no more Charms in their Bodies, than what they have in their Minds, we -should see more wise Men in the World, and much fewer Lovers and Poets. - - [_Exit._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ V. - - - _Enter ~Euphronia~ and ~Doris~._ - -_Euph._ Heavens! what is't you make me do, _Doris_? Apply myself to the -Man I loath; beg Favours from him I hate; seek a Reprieve from him I -abhor; 'tis low, 'tis mean, 'tis base in me. - -_Dor._ Why, you hate the Devil as much as you do _Esop_, or within a -small Matter, and should you think it a Scandal to pray him to let you -alone a Day or two, if he were going to run away with you; ha? - -_Euph._ I don't know what I think, nor what I say, nor what I do: But -sure thou'rt not my Friend thus to advise me. - -_Dor._ I advise! I advise nothing; e'en follow your own way; marry him, -and make much of him. I have a mind to see some of his Breed; if you -like it, I like it: He shan't breed out of me only; that's all I have -to take Care of. - -_Euph._ Pr'ythee don't distract me. - -_Dor._ Why, to-morrow's the Day, fix'd and firm, you know it; much -Meat, little Order, great many Relations, few Friends, Horse-play, -Noise, and bawdy Stories; all's ready for a complete Wedding. - -_Euph._ Oh! what shall I do? - -_Dor._ Nay, I know this makes you tremble; and yet your tender -Conscience scruples to drop one hypocritical Curtsy, and say, Pray, Mr. -_Esop_, be so kind to defer it a few Days longer. - -_Euph._ Thou know'st I cannot dissemble. - -_Dor._ I know you can dissemble well enough, when you shou'd not do't. -Do you remember how you us'd to plague your poor _Oronces_; make him -believe you loath'd him, when you cou'd have kiss'd the Ground he went -on; affront him in all publick Places; ridicule him in all Company; -abuse him wherever you went And when you had reduc'd him within an Ace -of hanging or drowning, then come home with Tears in your Eyes, and -cry, Now, _Doris_, let's go lock ourselves up, and talk of my dear -_Oronces_: Is not this true? - -_Euph._ Yes, yes, yes. But, pr'ythee, have some Compassion of me. Come, -I'll do any thing thou bid'st me----What shall I say to this Monster? -Tell me, and I'll obey thee. - -_Dor._ Nay, then there's some hopes of you. Why, you must tell -him----'Tis natural to you to dislike Folks at first sight: That since -you have consider'd him better, you find your Aversion abated: That -tho' perhaps it may be a hard Matter for you ever to think him a Beau, -you don't despair, in Time, of finding out his _Je-ne-sçai-quoy_. -And that on t'other side, tho' you have hitherto thought (as most -young Women do) that nothing cou'd remove your first Affection, yet -you have very great Hopes in the natural Inconstancy of your Sex. -Tell him, 'tis not impossible, a Change may happen, provided he gives -you Time: But that if he goes to force you, there's another Piece of -Nature peculiar to Women, which may chance to spoil all, and that's -Contradiction. Ring that Argument well in his Ears: He's a Philosopher; -he knows it has Weight in it. In short, wheedle, whine, flatter, lye, -weep, spare nothing; 'tis a moist Age, Women have Tears enow; and when -you have melted him down, and gain'd more Time, we'll employ it in -Closet-debates, how to cheat him to the end of the Chapter. - -_Euph._ But you don't consider, _Doris_, that by this Means I engage -myself to him; and can't afterwards with Honour retreat. - -_Dor._ Madam, I know the World--Honour's a Jest, when Jilting's useful. -Besides, he that wou'd have you break your Oath with _Oronces_, can -never have the Impudence to blame you, for cracking your Word with -himself. But who knows what may happen between the Cup and the Lip? Let -either of the old Gentlemen die, and we ride triumphant. Wou'd I could -but see the Statesman sick a little, I'd recommend a Doctor to him, -a Cousin of mine, a Man of Conscience, a wise Physician; tip but the -Wink, he understands you. - -_Euph._ Thou wicked Wench, wou'd'st poison him? - -_Dor._ I don't know what I wou'd do; I think, I study, I invent, and -somehow I will get rid of him. I do more for you, I'm sure, than you -and your Knight-Errant do together for yourselves. - -_Euph._ Alas, both he and I do all we can; thou know'st we do. - -_Dor._ Nay, I know y' are willing enough to get together; but y' are a -couple of helpless Things, Heaven knows. - -_Euph._ Our Stars, thou see'st, are bent to Opposition. - -_Dor._ Stars!--I'd fain see the Stars hinder me from running away with -a Man I lik'd. - -_Euph._ Ay, but thou know'st, should I disoblige my Father, he'd give -my Portion to my younger Sister. - -_Dor._ Ay, there the Shoe pinches, there's the Love of the Age! -Ah!----to what an Ebb of Passion are Lovers sunk in these Days! Give -me a Woman that runs away with a Man, when his whole Estate's pack'd -up in his Knap-sack: That tucks up her Coats to her Knees; and thro' -thick and thro' thin, from Quarters to Camp, trudges heartily on; with -a Child at her Back, another in her Arms, and a Brace in her Belly: -There's Flame with a Witness, where this is the Effects on't. But we -must have Love in a Feather-bed: Forsooth, a Coach and six Horses, -clean Linen, and Cawdle! Fie for shame. O ho! here comes our Man. Now -shew yourself a Woman, if you are one. - - _Enter ~Esop~._ - -_Esop._ I'm told, fair Virgin, you desire to speak with me. Lovers are -apt to flatter themselves; I take your Message for a Favour. I hope -'twas meant so. - -_Euph._ Favours from Women are so cheap of late, Men may expect 'em -truly, without Vanity. - -_Esop._ If the Women are so liberal, I think the Men are generous too, -on their Side: 'Tis a well-bred Age; thank Heaven; and a deal of -Civility there passes between the two Sexes. What Service is't that I -can do you, Lady? - -_Euph._ Sir, I have a small Favour to intreat you. - -_Esop._ What is't? I don't believe I shall refuse you. - -_Euph._ What if you shou'd promise me you won't? - -_Esop._ Why then I shou'd make a Divorce between my Good-breeding and -my Sense, which ought to be as sacred a Knot as that of Wedlock. - -_Euph._ Dare you not trust then, Sir, the Thing you love? - -_Esop._ Not when the Thing I love don't love me: Never. - -_Dor._ Trust is sometimes the Way to be belov'd. - -_Esop._ Ay, but 'tis oftener the way to be cheated. - -_Euph._ Pray promise me you'll grant my Suit. - -_Dor._ 'Tis a reasonable one, I'll give you my word for't. - -_Esop._ If it be so, I do promise to grant it. - -_Dor._ That's still leaving yourself Judge. - -_Esop._ Why, who's more concern'd in the Trial? - -_Dor._ But no Body ought to be Judge in their own Cause. - -_Esop._ Yet he that is so, is sure to have no wrong done him. - -_Dor._ But if he does wrong to others, that's worse. - -_Esop._ Worse for them, but not for him. - -_Dor._ True Politician, by my troth! - -_Esop._ Men must be so, when they have to do with Sharpers. - -_Euph._ If I shou'd tell you then there were a Possibility I might be -brought to love you, you'd scarce believe me. - -_Esop._ I shou'd hope as a Lover, and suspect as a Statesman. - -_Dor._ [_Aside._] Love and Wisdom! There's the Passion of the Age again. - -_Euph._ You have liv'd long, Sir, and observ'd much: Did you never see -Time produce strange Changes? - -_Esop._ Amongst Women, I must confess I have. - -_Euph._ Why, I'm a Woman, Sir. - -_Esop._ Why, truly, that gives me some Hopes. - -_Euph._ I'll encrease 'em, Sir; I have already been in Love two Years. - -_Dor._ And Time, you know, wears all things to tatters. - -_Esop._ Well observ'd. - -_Euph._ What, if you shou'd allow me some, to try what I can do? - -_Esop._ Why, truly, I would have Patience a Day or two, if there was as -much Probability of my being your new Gallant, as perhaps there may be -of changing your old one. - -_Dor._ She shall give you fair Play for't, Sir; Opportunity and Leave -to prattle, and that's what carries most Women in our Days. Nay, she -shall do more for you: You shall play with her Fan; squeeze her little -Finger; buckle her Shoe; read a Romance to her in the Arbour; and -saunter in the Woods on a Moonshiny Night. If this don't melt her, -she's no Woman, or you're no Man---- - -_Esop._ I'm not a Man to melt a Woman that Way: I know myself, and know -what they require. 'Tis thro' a Woman's Eye you pierce her Heart; and -I've no Darts can make their Entrance there. - -_Dor._ You are a great Statesman, Sir; but I find you know little of -our Matters. A Woman's Heart is to be enter'd forty Ways. Every Sense -she has about her keeps a Door to it. With a Smock-face, and a Feather, -you get in at her Eyes. With powerful Nonsense, in soft Words, you -creep in at her Ears. An essenc'd Peruke, and a sweet Handkerchief, -lets you in at her Nose. With a Treat, and a Box full of Sweetmeats, -you slip in at her Mouth: And if you wou'd enter by her Sense of -Feeling, 'tis as beaten a Road as the rest. What think you now, Sir? -_There are more Ways to the Wood than one_, you see. - -_Esop._ Why, you're an admirable Pilot; I don't doubt but you have -steer'd many a Ship safe to Harbour: But I'm an old stubborn Seaman; I -must sail by my own Compass still. - -_Euph._ And by your Obstinacy lose your Vessel. - -_Esop._ No: I'm just ent'ring into Port; we'll be married to-morrow. - -_Euph._ For Heaven's sake defer it some Days longer; I cannot love you -yet; indeed, I cannot. - -_Esop._ Nor never will, I dare swear. - -_Euph._ Why then will you marry me? - -_Esop._ Because I love you. - -_Euph._ If you lov'd me, you wou'd never make me miserable. - -_Esop._ Not if I lov'd you for your sake; but I love you for my own. - -_Dor._ [_Aside._] There's an old Rogue for you. - -_Euph._ [_Weeping._] Is there no way left? must I be wretched? - -_Esop._ 'Tis but resolving to be pleas'd. You can't imagine the -Strength of Resolution. I have seen a Woman resolve to be in the Wrong -all the Days of her Life; and by the help of her Resolution, she has -kept her Word to a Tittle. - -_Euph._ Methinks the Subject we're upon shou'd be of Weight enough to -make you serious. - -_Esop._ Right: To-morrow Morning pray be ready; you'll find me so: I'm -serious. Now I hope you are pleas'd. - - [_Turning away from her._ - -_Euph._ [_Going off weeping, and leaning upon ~Doris~._] Break, Heart! -for if than hold'st, I'm miserable. - -_Dor._ [_To ~Esop~._] Now may the Extravagance of a lewd Wife, with the -Insolence of a virtuous one, join hand in hand to bring thy grey Hairs -to the Grave. - - [_Exeunt ~Euphronia~ and ~Doris~._ - -_Esop._ My old Friend wishes me well to the last, I see. - - _Enter ~Learchus~ hastily, follow'd by ~Oronces~._ - -_Oron._ Pray hear me, Sir. - -_Lear._ 'Tis in vain; I'm resolv'd, I tell you. Most noble _Esop_, -since you are pleas'd to accept of my poor Offspring for your Consort, -be so charitable to my old Age, to deliver me from the Impertinence -of Youth, by making her your Wife this Instant; for there's a Plot -against my Life; they have resolv'd to teaze me to Death to-night, that -they may break the Match to-morrow Morning. Marry her this instant, I -intreat you. - -_Esop._ This instant, say you! - -_Lear._ This instant; this very instant. - -_Esop._ 'Tis enough; get all things ready; I'll be with you in a Moment. - - [_Exit ~Esop~._ - -_Lear._ Now, what say you, Mr. _Flame-fire_? I shall have the Whip-hand -of you presently. - -_Oron._ Defer it till to-morrow, Sir. - -_Lear._ That you may run away with her to-night; ha?----Sir, your most -obedient humble Servant. Hey, who waits there? Call my Daughter to me: -Quick. I'll give her her Dispatches presently. - - _Enter ~Euphronia~._ - -_Euph._ D'ye call, Sir. - -_Lear._ Yes, I do, Minx. Go shift yourself, and put on your best -Clothes. You are to be marry'd. - -_Euph._ Marry'd, Sir! - -_Lear._ Yes, marry'd, Madam; and that this Instant too. - -_Euph._ Dear Sir---- - -_Lear._ Not a Word: Obedience and a clean Smock; dispatch. - - [_Exit ~Euphronia~ weeping._ - -_~Learchus~ going off, turns to ~Oronces~._] Sir, your most obedient -humble Servant. - -_Oron._ Yet hear what I've to say. - -_Lear._ And what have you to say, Sir? - -_Oron._ Alas! I know not what I have to say! - -_Lear._ Very like so. That's a sure Sign he's in love now. - -_Oron._ Have you no Bowels? - -_Lear._ Ha, ha! Bowels in a Parent! Here's a young Fellow for you. -Hark thee, Stripling; being in a very merry Humour, I don't care if I -discover some paternal Secrets to thee. Know then, that how humoursome, -how whimsical soever we may appear, there's one fixt Principle that -runs thro' almost the whole Race of us; and that's to please ourselves. -Why do'st think I got my Daughter? Why, there was something in't that -pleased me. Why dost think I marry my Daughter? Why to please myself -still. And what is't that pleases me? Why, my Interest; what do'st -think it shou'd be? If _Esop_'s my Son-in-Law, he'll make me a Lord: If -thou art my Son-in-Law----thou'lt make me a Grandfather. Now I having -more Mind to be a Lord than a Grandfather, give my Daughter to him, -and not to thee. - -_Oron._ Then shall her Happiness weigh nothing with you? - -_Lear._ Not this.--If it did, I'd give her to thee, and not to him. - -_Oron._ Do you think forc'd Marriage the Way to keep Women virtuous? - -_Lear._ No; nor I don't Care whether Women are virtuous or not. - -_Oron._ You know your Daughter loves me? - -_Lear._ I do so. - -_Oron._ What, if the Children that _Esop_ may happen to father, shou'd -chance to be begot by me? - -_Lear._ Why, then _Esop_ wou'd be the Cuckold, not I. - -_Oron._ Is that all your Care? - -_Lear._ Yes: I speak as a Father. - -_Oron._ What think you of your Child's Concern in t'other World? - -_Lear._ Why, I think it my Child's Concern, not mine. I speak as a -Father. - -_Oron._ Do you remember you once gave me your Consent to wed your -Daughter? - -_Lear._ I did. - -_Oron._ Why did you so? - -_Lear._ Because you were the best Match that offer'd at that Time. I -did like a Father. - -_Oron._ Why then, Sir, I'll do like a Lover. I'll make you keep your -Word, or cut your Throat. - -_Lear._ Who waits there, ha? - - _Enter Servants._ - -_Lear._ Seize me that Bully there. Carry him to Prison, and keep him -safe. - - [_They seize him._ - -_Oron._ Why, you won't use me thus? - -_Lear._ Yes, but I will tho': Away with him. Sir, your most humble -Servant: I wish you a good Night's Rest; and as far as a merry Dream -goes, my Daughter's at your Service. - -_Oron._ Death and Furies! - - [_Exeunt Serv. with ~Oron~._ - -Lear. [singing.] _Dol, de tol dol, dol, de tol dol, Lilly Burleighre's -lodg'd in a Bough._ - - _Enter a Troop of Musicians, Dancers, ~&c.~_ - -_Lear._ How now! What have we got here? - -_Mus._ Sir, we are a Troop of trifling Fellows, Fiddlers and Dancers, -come to celebrate the Wedding of your fair Daughter, if your Honour -pleases to give us Leave. - -_Lear._ With all my Heart: But who do you take me for, Sir; ha? - -_1 Mus._ I take your Honour for our noble Governor of _Sysicus_. - -_Lear._ Governor of _Sysicus_! Governor of a Cheese-Cake! I'm -Father-in-Law to the great _Esop_, Sirrah. [_All bow to him._] -[_Aside._]----I shall be a great Man. Come, tune your Fiddles; -shake your Legs; get all things ready. My Son-in-Law will be here -presently----I shall be a great Man! - - [_Exit._ - -_1 Mus._ A great Marriage, Brother! What do'st think will be the End -on't? - -_2 Mus._ Why, I believe we shall see three Turns upon't. This old -Fellow here will turn Fool; his Daughter will turn Strumpet; and his -Son-in-Law will turn 'em both out of Doors. But that's nothing to -thee nor me, so long as we are paid for our Fiddling. So tune away, -Gentlemen. - -_1 Mus._ D'ye hear, Trumpets? When the Bride appears, salute her with -a melancholy Waft. 'Twill suit her Humour; for I guess she mayn't be -over-well pleas'd. - - _Enter ~Learchus~ with several Friends, and a Priest._ - -_Lear._ Gentlemen and Friends, y'are all welcome. I have sent to as -many of you as our short Time wou'd give me Leave, to desire you wou'd -be Witnesses of the Honour the great _Esop_ designs ourself and Family. -Hey; who attends there? Go let my Daughter know I wait for her. [_Exit -Servant._] 'Tis a vast Honour that is done me, Gentlemen! - -_2 Gent._ It is, indeed, my Lord. - -_Lear._ [_Aside._] Look you there; if they don't call me my Lord -already----I shall be a great Man! - - _Enter ~Euphronia~ weeping, and leaning upon ~Doris~, both - in deep Mourning._ - -_Lear._ How now! What's here! All in deep Mourning! Here's a provoking -Baggage for you! - - [_The Trumpets sound a melancholy Air till ~Esop~ appears; - and then the Violins and Hautboys strike up a ~Lancashire~ - Hornpipe._ - - _Enter ~Esop~ in a gay foppish Dress, Long Peruke, &c. a - gaudy Equipage of Pages and Footmen, all enter in an - airy brisk Manner._ - -_Esop._ _in an affected Tone to ~Euphronia~._] Gad take my Soul, -Ma'am, I hope I shall please you now----Gentlemen all, I'm your humble -Servant. I'm going to be a very happy Man, you see. [_To ~Euph~._] -When the Heat of the Ceremony's over, if your Ladyship pleases, -Ma'am, I'll wait upon you to take the Air in the Park. Hey, Page; -let there be a Coach and six Horses ready instantly. [_Observing -her Dress._]----I vow to Gad, Ma'am, I was so taken up with my good -Fortune, I did not observe the extreme Fancy of your Ladyship's -Wedding-Clothes----Infinitely pretty! as I hope to be sav'd; a World of -Variety, and not at all gaudy.----[_To ~Lear~._] My dear Father-in-Law, -embrace me. - -_Lear._ Your Lordship does me too much Honour. [_Aside._]----I shall be -a great Man! - -_Esop._ Come, Gentlemen, are all things ready? Where's the Priest? - -_Priest._ Here, my noble Lord. - -_Esop._ Most Reverend----will you please to say Grace that I may fall -to, for I am very hungry, and here's very good Meat. But where's my -Rival all this while? The least we can do, is to invite him to the -Wedding. - -_Lear._ My Lord, he's in Prison. - -_Esop._ In Prison! How so? - -_Lear._ He wou'd have murder'd me. - -_Esop._ A bloody Fellow! But let's see him, however. Send for him -quickly. Ha! Governor----that handsome Daughter of yours, I will so -mumble her---- - -_Lear._ I shall be a great Man! - - _Enter ~Oronces~ pinion'd and guarded._ - -_Esop._ O ho, here's my Rival! Then we have all we want. Advance, Sir, -if you please. I desire you'll do me the Favour to be a Witness to my -Marriage, lest one of these Days you shou'd take a fancy to dispute my -Wife with me. - -_Oron._ Do you then send for me to insult me? 'Tis base in you. - -_Esop._ I have no Time now to throw away upon Points of Generosity; I -have hotter Work upon my Hands. Come, Priest, advance. - -_Lear._ Pray, hold him fast there; he has the Devil and all of Mischief -in's Eye. - -_Esop._ [_To ~Euph~._] Will your Ladyship please, Ma'am, to give me -your fair Hand----Hey-dey! - - [_She refuses her Hand._ - -_Lear._ I'll give it you, my noble Lord, if she won't. [_Aside._] A -stubborn, self-will'd, stiff-neck'd Strumpet. - - [_~Learchus~ holds out her Hand to ~Esop~, who takes it; - ~Oronces~ stands on ~Esop~'s left Hand, and the Priest - before 'em._ - -_Esop._ Let my Rival stand next me: Of all Men, I'd have him be -satisfy'd. - -_Oron._ Barbarous, inhuman Monster! - -_Esop._ Now, Priest, do thy Office. - - [_Flourish with the Trumpets._ - - _Priest._ Since the eternal Laws of Fate decreed, - That he thy Husband, she thy Wife shou'd be, - May Heaven take you to its Care, - May _Jupiter_ look kindly down, } - Place on your Heads Contentment's Crown! } - And may his Godhead never frown } - Upon this happy Pair. - - [_Flourish again of Trumpets._ - - [_As the Priest pronounces the last Line, ~Esop~ joins ~Oronces~ - and ~Euphronia~'s Hands._ - -_Oron._ O happy Change! Blessings on Blessings wait on the generous -_Esop_! - - _Esop._ Happy, thrice happy, may you ever be, } - And if you think there's something due to me, } - Pay it in mutual Love and Constancy. } - - _Euph._ _to ~Esop~._] You'll pardon me, most generous Man, - If in the present Transports of my Soul, - Which you yourself have by your Bounty caus'd, - My willing Tongue is ty'd from uttering - The Thoughts that flow from a most grateful Heart. - - _Esop._ For what I've done, I merit little Thanks, - Since what I've done, my Duty bound me to. - I wou'd your Father had acquitted his: - But he who's such a Tyrant o'er his Children, - To sacrifice their Peace to his Ambition, - Is fit to govern nothing but himself. - - _To ~Lear~._] And, therefore, Sir, at my return to Court, - I shall take care this City may be sway'd - By more Humanity than dwells in you. - - _Lear. aside._] I shall be a great man! - - _Euph. To ~Esop~._] Had I not Reason, from your constant Goodness, - To judge your Bounty, Sir, is infinite, - I shou'd not dare to sue for farther Favours: - But pardon me, if imitating Heaven and you, - I easily forgive my aged Father, - And beg that _Esop_ would forgive him too. - - [_Kneeling to him._ - -_Esop._ The Injury he wou'd have done to you was great indeed: But -'twas a Blessing he design'd for me. If, therefore, you can pardon him, -I may. [_To ~Lear~._] Your injur'd Daughter, Sir, has on her Knees -intreated for her cruel, barbarous Father; and by her Goodness has -obtain'd her Suit. If, in the Remnant of your Days, you can find out -some way to recompense her, do it, that Men and Gods may pardon you, as -she and I have done. But, let me see, I have one Quarrel still to make -up. Where's my old Friend _Doris_? - -_Dor._ She's here, Sir, at your Service; and as much your Friend as -ever; true to her Principles, and firm to her Mistress. But she has a -much better Opinion of you now than she had half an Hour ago. - -_Esop._ She has reason: For my Soul appear'd then as deform'd as -my Body. But I hope now, one may so far mediate for t'other, that, -provided I don't make Love, the Women won't quarrel with me; for they -are worse Enemies even than they are Friends. Come, Gentlemen, I'll -humour my Dress a little longer, and share with you in the Diversions -these boon Companions have prepar'd us. Let's take our Places, and see -how they can divert us. - - _~Esop~ leads the Bride to her Place. All being seated, - there's a short Concert of Hautboys, Trumpets, &c. After which a - Dance between an old Man and a young Woman, who shuns him still - at he comes near her. At last he stops, and begins this Dialogue, - which they sing together._ - - Old Man. - - _Why so cold, and why so coy? - What I want in Youth and Fire, - I have in Love and in Desire: - To my Arms, my Love, my Joy! - Why so cold, and why so coy?_ - - Woman. - - _'Tis Sympathy, perhaps, with you; - You are cold, and I'm so too._. - - Old Man. - - _My Years alone have froze my Blood; - Youthful Heat in Female Charms, - Glowing in my aged Arms, - Wou'd melt it down once more into a Flood._ - - Woman. - - _Women, alas, like Flints, ne'er burn alone; - To make a Virgin know - There's Fire within the Stone, - Some manly Steel must boldly strike the Blow._ - - Old Man. - - _Assist me only with your Charms, - You'll find I'm Man, and still am bold; - You'll find I still can strike, tho' old: - I only want your Aid to raise my Arms._ - - Enter a Youth, who seizes on the young Woman. - - Youth. - - _Who talks of Charms, who talks of Aid? - I bring an Arm - That wants no Charm, - To rouze the Fire that's in a flinty Maid. - Retire, old Age: - ----Winter, begone: - Behold the youthful Spring comes gayly on. - Here, here's a Torch to light a Virgin's Fire! - To my Arms, my Love, my Joy; - When Women have what they desire, - They're neither cold nor coy._ - - [She takes him in her Arms. - - _The Song and Dances ended, ~Esop~ takes ~Euphronia~ and - ~Oronces~ by the Hands, leading them forwards._ - -_Esop._ By this Time, my young eager Couple, 'tis probable you wou'd -be glad to be alone; perhaps you'll have a Mind to go to Bed, even -without your Supper; for Brides and Bridegrooms eat little on their -Wedding-Night. But since, if Matrimony were worn as it ought to be, it -wou'd, perhaps, sit easier about us than it usually does, I'll give you -one Word of Counsel, and so I shall release you. When one is out of -Humour, let the other be dumb. Let your Diversions be such, as both may -have a Share in 'em. Never let Familiarity exclude Respect. Be clean in -your Clothes, but nicely so in your Persons. Eat at one Table, lie in -one Room, but sleep in two Beds: I'll tell the Ladies why: - - Turning to the Boxes. - - _In the sprightly Month of May, } - When Males and Females sport and play, } - And kiss and toy away the Day; } - An eager Sparrow and his Mate, } - Chirping on a Tree, were sat, } - Full of Love----and full of Prate. } - They talk'd of nothing but their Fires, - Of raging Heats, and strong Desires, - How true and faithful they wou'd be; - Of eternal Constancy; - Of this and that, and endless Joys, - And a thousand more such Toys: - Only Thing they apprehended, - Was that their Lives wou'd be so short, - They cou'd not finish half their Sport - Before their Days were ended. - But as from Bough to Bough they rove, - They chanc'd at last - In furious haste, - On a Twig with Birdlime spread, - (Want of a more downy Bed) - To act a Scene of Love. - Fatal it proved to both their Fires. - For tho' at length they broke away, } - And baulk'd the School-Boy of his Prey, } - Which made him weep the live-long Day, } - The Bridegroom, in the hasty strife, - Was stuck so fast to his dear Wife, - That tho' he us'd his utmost Art, - He quickly found it was in vain, - To put himself to further Pain, - They never more must part. - A gloomy Shade o'ercast his Brow; } - He found himself----I know not how: } - He look'd as Husbands often do. } - Where-e'er he mov'd, he felt her still, - She kiss'd him oft against his Will: - Abroad, at Home, at Bed and Board, - With favours she o'erwhelm'd her Lord. - Oft he turn'd his Head away, } - And seldom had a Word to say, } - Which absolutely spoil'd her Play, } - For she was better stor'd. - Howe'er, at length, her stock was spent, - (For Female Fires sometimes may be - Subject to Mortality;) - So Back to Back they sit, and sullenly repent. - But the mute Scene was quickly ended, - The Lady, for her share, pretended - The Want of Love lay at his Door; } - For her part, she had still in store } - Enough for him and twenty more, } - Which cou'd not be contended. - He answer'd her in homely Words, - (For Sparrows are but ill-bred Birds) - That he already had enjoy'd - So much, that truly he was cloy'd. - Which so provok'd her Spleen, - That after some good hearty Prayers, } - A Jostle, and some spiteful Tears, } - They fell together by the Ears, } - And ne'er were fond again._ - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - _ESOP._ - - - - -PART II. - - - _Enter Players._ - -_Esop._ Well, good People, who are all you? - -_Omnes._ Sir, we are Players. - -_Esop._ Players! What Players? - -_Play._ Why, Sir, we are Stage-Players, that's our Calling: Tho' we -play upon other Things too; some of us play upon the Fiddle; some play -upon the Flute; we play upon one another; we play upon the Town; and we -play upon the Patentees. - -_Esop._ Patentees! Pr'ythee, what are they? - -_Play._ Why, they are, Sir----Sir, they are----'Cod I don't know -what they are----Fish or Flesh----Masters or Servants----Sometimes -one----Sometimes t'other, I think----Just as we are in the Mood. - -_Esop._ Why, I thought they had a lawful Authority over you. - -_Play._ Lawful Authority, Sir!----Sir, we are free-born _Englishmen_, -we care not for Law nor Authority neither, when we are out of Humour. - -_Esop._ But I think they pretended at least to an Authority over you; -pray, upon what Foundation was it built? - -_Play._ Upon a rotten one----if you'll believe us. Sir, I'll tell you -what the Projectors did: They imbark'd twenty thousand Pound upon a -leaky Vessel----She was built at _Whitehall_; I think they call'd -her----the Patent----ay, the Patent: Her Keel was made of a Broad -Seal----and the King gave 'em a white Staff for their Main-Mast. She -was a pretty light Frigate to look upon, indeed: They spar'd nothing -to set her off; they gilded her, and painted her, and rigg'd, and -gunn'd her: And so sent her a Privateering. But the first Storm that -blew, down went the Mast, ashore went the Ship--Crack, says the Keel; -Mercy, cry'd the Pilot; but the Wind was so high, his Pray'rs cou'd not -be heard--so they split upon a Rock----that lay hid under a Petticoat. - -_Esop._ A very sad Story, this! But what became of the Ship's Company? - -_Play._ Why, Sir, your humble Servants here, who were the Officers, and -the best of the Sailors----(little _Ben_ amongst the rest) seiz'd on a -small Bark that lay to our Hand, and away we put to Sea again. To say -the truth, we were better mann'd than rigg'd, and Ammunition was plaguy -scarce amongst us.----However, a cruising we went, and some petty -small Prizes we have made; but the Blessing of Heaven not being among -us----or how the Devil 'tis, I cannot tell; but we are not rich. - -_Esop._ Well, but what became of the rest of the Crew? - -_Play._ Why, Sir, as for the Scoundrels, they, poor Dogs, stuck by the -Wreck. The Captain gave them Bread and Cheese, and good Words----He -told them, if they wou'd patch her up, and venture t'other Cruise, he'd -prefer 'em all; so to work they went, and to Sea they got her. - -_Esop._ I hope he kept his Word with 'em. - -_Play._ That he did; he made the Boatswain's Mate Lieutenant; he made -the Cook Doctor: He was forc'd to be Purser and Pilot, and Gunner -himself; and the Swabber took Orders to be Chaplain. - -_Esop._ But with such unskilful Officers, I'm afraid, they'll hardly -keep above Water long. - -_Play._ Why truly, Sir, we care not how soon they are under: But curst -Folks thrive, I think. I know nothing else that makes 'em swim. I'm -sure, by the Rules of Navigation, they ought to have over-set long -since; for they carry a great deal of Sail, and have very little -Ballast. - -_Esop._ I'm afraid you ruin one another. I fancy if you were all in a -Ship together again, you'd have less Work, and more Profit. - -_Play._ Ah, Sir----we are resolv'd we'll never sail under Captain -Patentee again. - -_Esop._ Pr'ythee, why so? - -_Play._ Sir, he has us'd us like Dogs. - -_Wom._----And Bitches too, Sir. - -_Esop._ I'm sorry to hear that; pray, how was't he treated you? - -_Play._ Sir, 'tis impossible to tell; he us'd us like the _English_ at -_Amboyna_---- - -_Esop._ But I wou'd know some Particulars: Tell me what 'twas he did to -you? - -_Play._ What he did, Sir?----Why, he did in the first Place, Sir----In -the first Place, Sir, he did----I'cod I don't know what he did----Can -you tell, Wife? - -_Wom._ Yes, marry can I; and a burning Shame it was too. - -_Play._ O, I remember now, Sir, he wou'd not give us Plums enough in -our Pudding. - -_Esop._ That indeed was very hard; but did he give you as many as he -promis'd you? - -_Play._ Yes, and more; but what of all that? We had not as many as we -had a mind to---- - -_1 Wom._ Sir, my Husband tells you Truth-- - -_Esop._ I believe he may; but what other Wrongs did he do you? - -_1 Wom._ Why, Sir, he did not treat me with Respect; 'twas not one Day -an three he would so much as bid me good-morrow-- - -_2 Wom._ Sir, he invited me to Dinner, and never drank my Health. - -_1 Wom._ Then he cock'd his Hat at Mrs. _Pert_. - -_2 Wom._ Yes, and told Mrs. _Slippery_ he had as good a Face as she had. - -_Esop._ Why, these were insufferable Abuses-- - -_2 Play._ Then, Sir, I did but come to him one Day--and tell him I -wanted fifty Pound, and what do you think he did by me, Sir?--Sir, he -turn'd round upon his Heel like a Top-- - -_1 Play._ But that was nothing to the Affront he put upon me, Sir. -I came to him, and in very civil words, as I thought, desir'd him to -double my Pay: Sir, wou'd you believe it? He had the Barbarity to ask -me if I intended to double my Work; and because I told him no, Sir--he -did use me, good Lord, how he did use me! - -_Esop._ Pr'ythee how? - -_1 Play._ Why, he walk'd off, and answered me never a Word. - -_Esop._ How had you Patience? - -_1 Play._ Sir, I had not Patience. I sent him a Challenge; and what do -you think his answer was?--He sent me Word I was a scoundrel Son of a -Whore, and he wou'd only fight me by Proxy---- - -_Esop._ Very fine! - -_1 Play._ At this rate, Sir, were we poor Dogs us'd--till one frosty -Morning down he comes amongst us--and very roundly tells us----That for -the future, no Purchase, no Pay. They that wou'd not work, shou'd not -eat----Sir, we at first ask'd him coolly and civilly----Why? His answer -was, Because the Town wanted Diversion, and he wanted Money----Our -Reply to this, Sir, was very short; but I think to the purpose. - -_Esop._ What was it? - -_1 Play._ It was, Sir, that so we wallow'd in Plenty and Ease----the -Town and he might be damn'd----This, Sir, is the true History of our -Separation----and we hope you'll stand our Friend---- - -_Esop._ I'll tell you what, Sirs---- - - _I once a Pack of Beagles knew---- - That much resembled I know who; - With a good Huntsman at their Tail, - In full Command, - With Whip in Hand, - They'd run apace - The chearful Chace, - And of their Game were seldom known to fail. - But being at length their chance to find - A Huntsman of a gentler Kind, - They soon perceiv'd the Rein was slack; - The Word went quickly thro' the Pack---- - They one and all cry'd Liberty; - This happy Moment we are free; - We'll range the Woods, - Like Nymphs and Gods, - And spend our Mouths in Praise of Mutiny. - With that, old ~Jowler~ trots away, - And ~Bowman~ singles out his Prey; - ~Thunder~ bellow'd thro' the Wood, - And swore he'd burst his Guts with Blood; - ~Venus~ tript it o'er the Plain, - With boundless Hopes of boundless Gain; - ----~Juno~, she slipt down the Hedge, - But left her sacred Word for Pledge, - That all she pickt up by the by---- - Shou'd to the public Treasury; - And well they might rely upon her; - For ~Juno~ was a Bitch of Honour. - In short, they all had Hopes to see - A heavenly Crop of Mutiny. - And so to reaping fell. - But in a little Time they found, - It was the Devil had till'd the Ground, - And brought the Seed from Hell. - The Pack divided, nothing throve: - Discord seiz'd the Throne of Love. - Want and Misery all endure; - All take pains, and all grow poor. - When they had toil'd the live-long Day, - And came at Night to view their Prey, - Oft, alas, so ill they'd sped, - That half went Supperless to Bed. - At length they all in Council sate, - Where at a very fair Debate, - It was agreed at last, - That Slavery with Ease and Plenty, - When Hounds were something turn'd of twenty, - Was much a better Fate, - Than 'twas to work and fast._ - -_1 Play._ Well, Sir----and what did they do then? - -_Esop._ Why they all went home to their Kennel again. If you think they -did wisely, you'll do well to follow their Example. - - [_Exit ~Esop~._ - -_1 Play._ Well, Beagles, what think you of the little Gentleman's -Advice? - -_2 Wom._ I think he's a little ugly Philosopher, and talks like a Fool. - -_1 Play._ Ay, why there 'tis now! If he had been a tall Handsome -Blockhead, he had talk'd like a wise Man. - -_2 Wom._ Why, do you think, Mr. _Jowler_, that we'll ever join again? - -_1 Play._ I do think, sweet Mrs. _Juno_, that if we do not join again, -you must be a little freer of your Carcase than you are, or you must -bring down your Pride to a Serge Petticoat. - -_1 Wom._ And do you think, Sir, after the Affronts I have receiv'd, the -Patent and I can ever be Friends? - -_1 Play._ I do think, Madam, that if my interest had not been more -affronted than your Face, the Patent and you had never been Foes. - -_1 Wom._ And so, Sir, then you have serious Thoughts of a -Reconciliation! - -_1 Play._ Madam, I do believe I may. - -_1 Wom._ Why then, Sir, give me Leave to tell you, that--make it my -Interest, and I'll have serious Thoughts on't too. - -_2 Wom._ Nay, if you are thereabouts, I desire to come into the Treaty. - -_3 Play._ And I. - -_4 Play._ And I. - -_1 Play._ And I. No separate Peace. None of your _Turin_ Play, I -beseech you. - -_1 Play._ Why then, since you are all so Christianly dispos'd----I -think we had best adjourn immediately to our Council-Chamber, choose -some potent Prince for Mediator and Guarantee----fix upon the Place of -Treaty, dispatch our Plenipo's, and whip up the Peace like an Oyster. -For, under the Rose, my Confederates, here is such a damn'd Discount -upon our Bills, I'm afraid, if we stand it out another Campaign, we -must live upon slender Subsistence. - - [_Exeunt._ - - _Enter ~Esop~; and a Country Gentleman, who walks to - and fro, looking angrily upon ~Esop~._ - -_Esop._ Have you any Business with me, Sir? - -_Gent._--I can't tell whether I have or not. - -_Esop._ You seem disturb'd, Sir? - -_Gent._ I'm always so at the Sight of a Courtier. - -_Esop._ Pray what may it be, that gives you so great an Antipathy to -'em? - -_Gent._ My Profession. - -_Esop._ What's that? - -_Gent._ Honesty. - -_Esop._ 'Tis an honest Profession. I hope, Sir, for the general Good of -Mankind, you are in some public Employment? - -_Gent._ So I am, Sir----no Thanks to the Court. - -_Esop._ You are then, I suppose, employ'd by---- - -_Gent._ My Country. - -_Esop._ Who have made you---- - -_Gent._ A Senator. - -_Esop._ Sir, I reverence you. - - [_Bowing._ - -_Gent._ Sir, you may reverence as low as you please; but I shall spare -none of you. Sir, I am intrusted by my Country with above ten Thousand -of their Grievances, and, in order to redress them, my Design is to -hang ten thousand Courtiers. - -_Esop._ Why, 'tis making short Work, I must confess; but are you sure, -Sir, that wou'd do't? - -_Gent._ Sure,----Ay, sure. - -_Esop._ How do you know? - -_Gent._ Why, the whole Country says so, and I at the Head of 'em. Now -let me see who dares say the contrary. - -_Esop._ Not I, truly. But, Sir, if you won't take it ill, I'll ask you -a Question or two. - -_Gent._ Sir, I shall take ill what I please. And if you, or e'er a -Courtier of you all pretend the contrary, I say, 'tis a Breach of -Privilege----Now put your Question, if you think fit. - -_Esop._ Why then, Sir, with all due regard to your Character, and your -Privilege too, I wou'd be glad to know what you chiefly complain of? - - _Gent._ Why, Sir, I do chiefly complain, that we have - A great many Ships, and very little Trade; - A great many Tenants, and very little Money; - A great many Soldiers, and very little fighting; - A great many _Gazettes_, and little good News; - A great many Statesmen, and very little Wisdom; - A great many Parsons, and not an Ounce of Religion. - -_Esop._ Why truly, Sir, I do confess these are Grievances very well -worth your redressing. And I perceive you are truly sensible of our -Diseases, but I'm afraid you are a little out in the Cure. - -_Gent._ Sir, I perceive you take me for a Country-Physician: but -you shall find, Sir, that a Country-Doctor is able to deal with a -Court-Quack; and to shew you that I do understand something of the -State of the Body-Politic, I will tell you, Sir, that I have heard a -wise Man say, the Court is the Stomach of the Nation, in which, if -the Business be not thoroughly digested, the whole Carcase will be in -Disorder. Now, Sir, I do find by the Feebleness of the Members, and -the Vapours that fly into the Head, that this same Stomach is full of -indigestions, which must be remov'd: And therefore, Sir, I am come Post -to Town with my Head full of _Crocus Metallorum_, and design to give -the Court a Vomit. - -_Esop._ Sir, the Physic you mention, tho' necessary sometimes, is of -too violent a Nature to be us'd without a great deal of Caution. I'm -afraid, you are a little too rash in your Prescriptions. Is it not -possible you may be mistaken in the Cause of the Distemper? - -_Gent._ Sir, I do not think it possible I shou'd be mistaken in any -thing. - -_Esop._ Have you been long a Senator? - -_Gent._ No, Sir. - -_Esop._ Have you been much about Town? - -_Gent._ No, Sir. - -_Esop._ Have you convers'd much with Men of Business? - -_Gent._ No, Sir. - -_Esop._ Have you made any serious Enquiry into the present Disorders of -the Nation? - -_Gent._ No, Sir. - -_Esop._ Have you ever heard what the Men now employ'd in Business have -to say for themselves? - -_Gent._ No, Sir. - -_Esop._ How then do you know they deserve to be punish'd for the -present Disorders in your Affairs? - -_Gent._ I'll tell you how I know. - -_Esop._ I would be glad to hear. - -_Gent._ Why, I know by this----I know it, I say, by this----that I'm -sure on't----And to give you Demonstration that I'm sure on't, there is -not one Man in a good Post in the Nation--but I'd give my Vote to hang -him: Now I hope you are convinc'd. - -_Esop._ As for Example: The first Minister of State, why wou'd you hang -him? - -_Gent._ Because he gives bad Counsel. - -_Esop._ How do you know? - -_Gent._ Why, they say so. - -_Esop._ And who would you put in his Room? - -_Gent._ One that would give better. - -_Esop._ Who's that? - -_Gent._ Myself. - -_Esop._ The Secretary of State, why wou'd you hang him? - -_Gent._ Because he has not good Intelligence. - -_Esop._ How do you know? - -_Gent._ I have heard so. - -_Esop._ And who would you put in his Place? - -_Gent._ My Father. - -_Esop._ The Treasurer, why would you hang him? - -_Gent._ Because he does not understand his Business. - -_Esop._ How do you know? - -_Gent._ I dreamt so. - -_Esop._ And who would you have succeed him? - -_Gent._ My Uncle. - -_Esop._ The Admiral, why would you hang him? - -_Gent._ Because he has not destroy'd the Enemies Ships. - -_Esop._ How do you know he could do it? - -_Gent._ Why, I believe so. - -_Esop._ And who would you have command in his Stead? - -_Gent._ My Brother. - -_Esop._ And the General, why would you hang him? - -_Gent._ Because he took ne'er a Town last Campaign. - -_Esop._ And how you do know it was in his Power? - -_Gent._ Why, I don't care a Souss whether 'twas in his power or not. -But I have a Son at home, a brave chopping Lad; he has been Captain -in the Militia these twelve Months, and I'd be glad to see him in his -Place. What do ye stare for, Sir? Ha! I'gad I tell you he'd scour -all to the Devil. He's none of your Fencers, none of your sa-sa Men. -_Numps_ is downright, that's his Play. You may see his Courage in his -Face: He has a Pair of Cheeks like two Bladders, a Nose as flat as your -Hand, and a Forehead like a Bull. - -_Esop._ In short, Sir, I find if you and your Family were provided for, -Things would soon grow better than they do. - -_Gent._ And so they wou'd, Sir. Clap me at the Head of the State, and -_Numps_ at the Head of the Army: He with his Club-Musquet, and I with -my Club Head-Piece, we'd soon put an End to your Business. - -_Esop._ I believe you wou'd indeed. And therefore, since I happen to be -acquainted with your extraordinary Abilities, I am resolv'd to give the -King an Account of you, and employ my Interest with him, that you and -your Son may have the Posts you desire. - -_Gent._ Will you, by the Lord?--Give me your Fist, Sir--the only honest -Courtier that ever I met with in my Life. - -_Esop._ But, Sir, when I have done you this mighty Piece of Service, I -shall have a small Request to beg of you, which I hope you won't refuse -me. - -_Gent._ What's that? - -_Esop._ Why, 'tis in behalf of the two Officers who are to be displac'd -to make Room for you and your Son. - -_Gent._ The Secretary and the General? - -_Esop._ The same. 'Tis pity they shou'd be quite out of Business: I -must therefore desire you'll let me recommend one of 'em to you for -your Bailiff, and t'other for your Huntsman. - -_Gent._ My Bailiff and my Huntsman!----Sir, that's not to be granted. - -_Esop._ Pray, why? - -_Gent._ Why?----Because one wou'd ruin my Land, and t'other wou'd spoil -my Fox-Hounds. - -_Esop._ Why do you think so? - -_Gent._ Why do I think so!----These Courtiers will ask the strangest -Questions!----Why, Sir, do you think that Men bred up to the State or -the Army, can understand the Business of Ploughing and Hunting? - -_Esop._ I did not know but they might. - -_Gent._ How cou'd you think so? - -_Esop._ Because I see Men bred up to Ploughing and Hunting, understand -the Business of the State and the Army. - -_Gent._ I'm shot----I ha'n't one Word to say for myself----I never was -so caught in my Life. - -_Esop._ I perceive, Sir, by your Looks, what I have said has made some -Impression upon you; and would, perhaps do more, if you wou'd give it -leave. [_Taking his Hand._] Come, Sir, tho' I am a Stranger to you, I -can be your Friend; my Favour at Court does not hinder me from being -a Lover of my Country. 'Tis my Nature, as well as Principle, to be -pleas'd with the Prosperity of Mankind. I wish all Things happy, and my -Study is to make them so. - -The Distempers of the Government (which I own are great) have employ'd -the Stretch of my Understanding, and the deepest of my Thoughts, -to penetrate the Cause, and to find out the Remedy. But alas! All -the Product of my Study is this, That I find there is too near a -Resemblance between the Diseases of the State and those of the Body, -for the most expert Minister to become a greater Master in one than the -College is in t'other: And how far their Skill extends, you may see by -this Lump upon my Back. Allowances in all Professions there must be, -since 'tis weak Man that is the weak Professor. Believe me, Senator, -for I have seen the Proof on't. The longest Beard amongst us is a Fool. -Cou'd you but stand behind the Curtain, and there observe the secret -Springs of State, you'd see, in all the Good or Evil that attends it, -ten Ounces of Chance for one Grain either of Wisdom or Roguery. - -You'd see, perhaps, a venerable Statesman sit fast asleep in a great -downy Chair; whilst, in that soft Vacation of his Thought, blind Chance -(or what at least we blindly call so) shall so dispose a thousand -secret Wheels, that when he awakes, he needs but write his Name, to -publish to the World some blest Event, for which his Statue shall be -rais'd in Brass. - -Perhaps a Moment thence, you shall behold him torturing his Brain; his -Thoughts all stretcht upon the Rack for publick Service. The live-long -Night, when all the World's at rest, consum'd in Care, and watching for -their Safety, then by a Whirlwind in his Fate, in spight of him, some -Mischief shall befall 'em, for which a furious Sentence strait shall -pass, and they shall vote him to the Scaffold. Even thus uncertain are -Rewards and Punishments; and even thus little do the People know, when -'tis the Statesman merits one or t'other. - -_Gent._ Now I do believe I am beginning to be a wise Man; for I never -till now perceived I was a Fool. But do you then really believe, Sir, -our Men in Business do the best they can? - -_Esop._ Many of 'em do: Some perhaps do not. But this you may depend -upon; he that is out of Business is the worst Judge in the World of him -that is in: First, Because he seldom knows any Thing of the Matter: -And, Secondly, Because he always desires to get his Place. - -_Gent._ And so, Sir, you turn the Tables upon the Plaintiff, and lay -the Fool and Knave at his Door. - -_Esop._ If I do him wrong, I'm sorry for't. Let him examine himself, -he'll find whether I do or not. - - [_Exit ~Esop~._ - -_Gent._----Examine!----I think I have had enough of that already. -There's nothing left, that I know of, but to give Sentence: And truly I -think, there's no great difficulty in that. A very pretty Fellow I am, -indeed! Here am I come bellowing and roaring two hundred Miles Post to -find myself an Ass; when, with one Quarter of an Hour's Consideration, -I might have made the self-same Discovery, without going over my -Threshold. Well! if ever they send me on their Errand to reform the -State again, I'll be damn'd. But this I'll do: I'll go home and reform -my Family if I can: Them I'm sure I know. There's my Father's a peevish -old Coxcomb: There's my Uncle's a drunken old Sot: There's my Brother's -a cowardly Bully: Son _Numps_ is a lubberly Whelp: I've a great ramping -Daughter, that stares like a Heifer: and a Wife that's a slatternly Sow. - - [_Exit._ - - _Enter a young, gay, airy Beau, who stands smiling - contemptibly upon ~Esop~._ - -_Esop._ Well, Sir, what are you? - -_Beau._ A Fool. - -_Esop._ That's impossible!----for if thou wert, thou'd'st think thyself -a wise Man. - -_Beau._ So I do--This is my own Opinion----the t'other's my Neighbour's. - - [_Walking airily about._ - -_Esop. gazing after him._] Have you any Business with me, Sir? - -_Beau._ Sir, I have Business with nobody, Pleasure's my Study. - -_Esop._ [_Aside._] An odd Fellow this!----Pray, Sir, who are you? - -_Beau._ I can't tell---- - -_Esop._----Do you know who I am? - -_Beau._ No, Sir: I'm a Favourite at Court, and I neither know myself, -nor any body else. - -_Esop._ Are you in any Employment? - -_Beau._ Yes. - -_Esop._ What is't? - -_Beau._ I don't know the Name on't. - -_Esop._ You know the Business on't, I hope? - -_Beau._ That I do--the Business of it is----to----put in a Deputy and -receive the Money. - -_Esop._----Pray, what may be your Name? - -_Beau._ Empty. - -_Esop._ Where do you live? - -_Beau._ In the Side-Box. - -_Esop._ What do you do there? - -_Beau._ I ogle the Ladies. - -_Esop._ To what Purpose? - -_Beau._ To no Purpose. - -_Esop._ Why then do you do it? - -_Beau._ Because they like it, and I like it. - -_Esop._ Wherein consists the Pleasure? - -_Beau._ In playing the Fool. - -_Esop._----Pray, Sir, what Age are you? - -_Beau._ Five and twenty my Body; my Head's about fifteen. - -_Esop._ Is your Father living? - -_Beau._ Dead, thank God. - -_Esop._ Has he been long so? - -_Beau._ Positively, yes. - -_Esop._ Where were you brought up? - -_Beau._ At School. - -_Esop._ What School? - -_Beau._ The School of _Venus_. - -_Esop._ Were you ever at the University? - -_Beau._ Yes. - -_Esop._ What Study did you follow there? - -_Beau._ My Bed-maker. - -_Esop._ How long did you stay? - -_Beau._ Till I had lost my Maidenhead. - -_Esop._ Why did you come away? - -_Beau._ Because I was expell'd. - -_Esop._ Where did you go then? - -_Beau._ To Court. - -_Esop._ Who took Care of your Education there? - -_Beau._ A Whore and a Dancing-Master. - -_Esop._ What did you gain by them? - -_Beau._ A _Minuet_, and the _Pox_. - -_Esop._ Have you an Estate? - -_Beau._ I had. - -_Esop._ What's become on't? - -_Beau._ Spent. - -_Esop._ In what? - -_Beau._ In a Twelvemonth. - -_Esop._ But how? - -_Beau._ Why, in Dressing, Drinking, Whoring, Claps, Dice, and -Scriveners. What do you think of me now, old Gentleman? - -_Esop._ Pray, what do you think of yourself? - -_Beau._ I don't think at all: I know how to bestow my Time better. - -_Esop._ Are you married? - -_Beau._ No----have you ever a Daughter to bestow upon me? - -_Esop._ She wou'd be well bestow'd. - -_Beau._ Why, I'm a strong young Dog, you old Put, you: She may be worse -coupled---- - -_Esop._ Have you then a Mind to a Wife, Sir? - -_Beau._ Yaw, _Mynheer_. - -_Esop._ What wou'd you do with her? - -_Beau._ Why, I'd take Care of her Affairs, rid her of all her Troubles, -her Maidenhead, and her Portion. - -_Esop._ And, pray, what Sort of Wife wou'd you be willing to throw -yourself away upon? - -_Beau._ Why, upon one that has Youth, Beauty, Quality, Virtue, Wit and -Money. - -_Esop._ And how may you be qualified yourself, to back you in your -Pretensions to such a one? - -_Beau._ Why, I am qualified with----a Perriwig----a Snuff-box--a -Feather----a----smooth Face----a Fool's Head----and a Patch. - -_Esop._ But one Question more: What Settlements can you make? - -_Beau._ Settlements!--Why, if she be a very great Heiress, indeed, I -believe I may settle----myself upon her for Life, and my Pox upon her -Children for ever. - -_Esop._ 'Tis enough; you may expect I'll serve you, if it lies in my -Way. But I wou'd not have you rely too much upon your Success, because -People sometimes are mistaken---- - -As for Example---- - - _An Ape there was of nimble Parts, - A great Intruder into Hearts, - As brisk, and gay, and full of Air, - As you or I, or any here; - Rich in his Dress, of splendid Shew, - And with an Head like any Beau: - Eternal Mirth was in his Face; - Where'er he went, - He was content, - So Fortune had but kindly sent - Some Ladies----and a Looking-glass. - Encouragement they always gave him, - Encouragement to play the Fool; - For soon they found it was a Tool - Wou'd hardly be so much in Love, - But that the mumbling of a Glove, - Or tearing of a Fan, wou'd save him. - These Bounties he accepts as Proof - Of Feats done by his Wit and Youth; - He gives their Freedom gone for ever, - Concludes each Female Heart undone, - Except that very Happy One - To which he'd please to do the Favour. - In short, so smooth his Matters went, - He guess'd, where'er his Thoughts were bent, - The Lady he must carry: - So put on a fine new Cravat, - He comb'd his Wig, he cock'd his Hat, - And gave it out he'd marry. - But here, alas! he found to 's Cost, - He had reckon'd long without his Host: - For wheresoe'er he made th' Attack, - Poor Pug with Shame was beaten back. - The first fair She he had in Chace, - Was a young Cat, extremely rich, - Her Mother was a noted Witch; - So, had the Daughter prov'd but civil, - He'd been related to the Devil. - But when he came - To urge his Flame, - She scratch'd him o'er the Face. - With that he went among the Bitches, - Such as had Beauty, Wit and Riches, - And swore Miss Maulkin, to her Cost, - Shou'd quickly see what she had lost: - But the poor, unlucky Swain - Miss'd his Shepherdess again; - His Fate was to miscarry. - It was his Destiny to find, - That Cats and Dogs are of a Mind, - When Monkies come to marry._ - -_Beau._ 'Tis very well;----'tis very well, old Spark; I say, 'tis very -well. Because I han't a Pair of plaid Shoes, and a dirty Shirt, you -think a Woman won't venture upon me for a Husband----Why, now to shew -you, old Father, how little you Philosophers know of the Ladies, I'll -tell you an Adventure of a Friend of mine. - - _A Band, a Bob-Wig, and a Feather, - Attack'd a Lady's Heart together. - The Band, in a most learned Plea, - Made up of deep Philosophy, - Told her, if she wou'd please to wed - A Reverend Beard, and take, instead - Of vigorous Youth, - Old solemn Truth, - With Books and Morals into Bed, - How happy she wou'd be. - The Bob, he talk'd of Management, - What wondrous Blessings Heaven sent - On Care, and Pains, and Industry; - And, truly, he must be so free - To own, he thought your airy Beaux, - With powder'd Wigs, and dancing Shoes, - Were good for nothing (mend his Soul!), - But prate, and talk, and play the Fool. - He said, 'twas Wealth gave Joy and Mirth; - And that to be the dearest Wife - Of one, who labour'd all his Life, - To make a Mine of Gold his own, - And not spend ~Sixpence~ when he'd done, - Was Heaven upon Earth. - When these two Blades had done, d' ye see, - The Feather (as it might be me) - Steps out, Sir, from behind the Skreen, - With such an Air, and such a Mien, - Look you, old Gentleman, in short, - He quickly spoil'd the Statesman's Sport. - It prov'd such Sunshine Weather, - That you must know, at the first Beck - The Lady leapt about his Neck, - And off they went together._ - -_To ~Esop~._] There's a Tale for your Tale, old Dad, and -so----_Serviteur_. - - [_Exeunt._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -THE - -FALSE FRIEND. - -A - -COMEDY. - - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -PROLOGUE. - - - Spoken by Capt. _Griffin_. - - _You dread Reformers of an impious Age, } - You awful Cat-o'-nine Tails to the Stage, } - This once be just, and in our Cause engage. } - To gain your Favour, we your Rules obey, } - And treat you with a moral Piece to-day; } - So moral, we're afraid 'twill damn the Play. } - For tho' y' ave long been leagu'd (as People tell) - To reduce the Power exorbitant of Hell; - No Troops you send, t' abate it in this Field, - But leave us still expos'd, to starve or yield. - Your Scouts, indeed, sometimes come stealing in, - T' observe this formidable Camp of Sin, - And whisper, if we'll piously declare, - What Aids you then will send, to help us thro' the War. - To this we answer, We're a feeble State, } - And cannot well afford to love or hate, } - So shou'd not meddle much in your Debate. } - But, since your Cause is good, thus far we'll go, - When ~Portugal~ declares, we'll do so too. - Our Cases, as we think, are much alike, - And on the same Conditions, we should strike; - Send to their Aid a hundred Men of War, - To ours, a hundred Squadrons of the Fair; - Rig out your Wives and Daughters all around, - (I mean, wh' are fit for Service, tight and sound) - And, for a Proof our Meaning is sincere, } - See but the Ships are good, and if you fear } - A Want of Equipage, we'll mann them here. } - These are the Terms on which you may engage - The Poet's Fire, to batter from the Stage: - Useful Ally! whose Friendship lets you in, - Upon the weak and naked Side of Sin. - Against your old Attack, the Foe's prepar'd, - Well fortify'd, and always on his Guard; - The sacred Shot you send are flung in vain; } - By Impious Hands, with insolent Disdain, } - They're gather'd up, and fir'd at you again. } - Thro' baffled Toils, and unsuccessful Cares, } - In Slaughter, Blood and Wounds, and pious Snares, } - Y' ave made a ~Flanders~ War these fifteen hundred Years. } - Change then your Scheme, if you'll your Foe annoy, - And the infernal ~Bajazet~ destroy; - Our Aid accept, - W' ave gentler Stratagems which may succeed; - We'll tickle 'em where you'd make 'em bleed: - In Sounds less harsh, we'll teach 'em to obey; } - In softer Strains the evil Spirit lay, } - And steal Immorality away._ } - -[Illustration] - - - - -Dramatis Personæ. - - -MEN. - - Don _Felix_, a Gentleman of _Valencia_, Capt. _Griffin_. - Don _Pedro_, } { Mr. _Wilks_. - Don _Guzman_, } Lovers of _Leonora_, { Mr. _Mills_. - Don _John_, } { Mr. _Cibber_. - _Lopez_, Servant to Don _John_, Mr. _Pinkethman_. - _Galindo_, Servant to Don _Guzman_, Mr. _Bullock_. - - -WOMEN. - - _Leonora_, Daughter to Don _Felix_, Mrs. _Rogers_. - _Isabella_, her Friend, and Sister to } - _Guzman_, } Mrs. _Kent_. - _Jacinta_, Woman to _Leonora_, Mrs. _Oldfield_. - - - +SCENE+, at _Valencia_. - -[Illustration] - - THE - FALSE FRIEND. - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ I. +SCENE+ I. - - +SCENE+, _Don ~John~'s Lodgings._ - - - _Enter Don ~John~ beating ~Lopez~._ - -_Lop._ Hold, Sir, hold; there's enough in all Conscience; I'm -reasonable, I ask no more; I'm content. - -Don _John._ Then there's a double Content, you Dog, and a Brace of -Contents more into the Bargain. Now is't well? - - [_Striking again and again._ - -_Lop._ O, mighty well, Sir; you'll never mend it; pray leave it as 'tis. - -Don _John._ Look you, you Jackanapes, if ever I hear an Offer at your -impertinent Advice again---- - -_Lop._ And why, Sir, will you stifle the most useful of my -Qualifications? - -Don _John._ Either, Sirrah, I pass for a very great Blockhead with you, -or you are pleas'd to reckon much upon my Patience. - -_Lop._ Your Patience, Sir, indeed is great: I feel at this Time forty -Proofs on't upon my Shoulders: But really, Sir, I wou'd advise you -to---- - -Don _John._ Again! I can bear thee no longer. Here, Pen and Ink, -I'll give thee thy Discharge: Did I take you for a Valet, or a -Privy-Counsellor, Sir? - -_Lop._ 'Tis confess'd, Sir, you took me but for humble Employment; but -my Intention was agreeably to surprize you with some superior Gifts -of Nature, to your faithful Slave. I profess, my noble Master, a most -perfect Knowledge of Men and Manners. Yours, gracious Sir, (with all -Respect I speak it) are not irreprehensible. And I'm afraid in Time, -Sir, I am indeed, they'll riggle you into some ill-favour'd Affair, -whence, with all my Understanding, I shall be puzzled to bring you off. - -Don _John._ Very well, Sir. - -_Lop._ And therefore, Sir, it is, that I, poor _Lopez_ as I am, -sometimes take leave to maralize. - -Don _John._ Go, go, moralize in the Market-place: I'm quite worn out. -Once more, march. - -_Lop._ Is the Sentence definitive? - -Don _John._ Positive. - -_Lop._ Then, pray, let us come to account, and see what Wages are due. - -Don _John._ Wages! Refund what you have had, you Rascal, you, for the -plague you have given me. - -_Lop._ Nay, if I must lose my Money; then let me claim another Right: -Losers have leave to speak. Therefore, advance, my Tongue, and say thy -Pleausure; tell this Master of mine, he shou'd die with shame at the -Life he leads: So much unworthy of a Man of Honour: Tell him---- - -Don _John._ I'll hear no more. - -_Lop._ You shall indeed, Sir. - -Don _John._ Here, take thy Money, and begone. - -_Lop._ Counters all; adieu, you glistring Spangles of the World; -farewel, ye Tempters of the Great, not me. Tell him---- - -Don _John._ Stay. - -_Lop._ Go on; tell him he's worse among the Women than a Ferret among -the Rabbits; at one and all, from the Princess to the Tripe-Woman; -handsome, ugly, old Women and Children, all go down. - -Don _John._ Very well. - -_Lop._ It is, indeed, Sir, and so are the Stories you tell them to -bring them to your Matters. The Handsome, she's all Divinity, to be -sure; the Ugly, she's so agreeable, were it not for her Virtue, she'd -be over-run with Lovers; the light, airy, Flipflap, she kills him with -her Motions; the dull, heavy-tail'd Maukin melts him down with her -Modesty; the scragged, lean, pale Face has a Shape for Destruction; -the fat over-grown Sow has an Air of Importance; the tall aukward -Trapes with her Majesty wounds; the little, short Trundle-tail shoots a -_Je-ne-sçay-quoy_: In a Word, they have all something for him----and he -has something for them all. - -Don _John._ And thus, you Fool, by a general Attack, I keep my Heart my -own; lie with them that like me, and care not Sixpence for them that -don't. - -_Lop._ Well said, well said; a very pretty Amusement, truly! But, pray, -Sir, by your leave (Ceremony aside) since you are pleas'd to clear up -into Conversation, what mighty Matters do you expect from boarding a -Woman, you know, is already Heart and Soul engag'd to another? - -Don _John._ Why, I expect her Heart and Soul shou'd disengage in a -Week. If you live a little longer with me, Sirrah, you'll know how to -instruct your next Master to the purpose; and therefore, that I may -charitably equip you for a new Service, now I'm turning you out of my -own, I'll let you know, that when a Woman loves a Man best, she's in -the most hopeful way of betraying him; for Love, like Fortune, turns -upon a Wheel, and is very much given to rising and falling. - -_Lop._ Like enough: But as much upon the Weathercock as the Ladies are; -there are some the Wind must blow hard to fetch them about: When such a -sturdy Hussy falls in your Honour's way, what account may Things turn -to then, an't please ye? - -Don _John._ They turn to a Bottle, you Puppy. - -_Lop._ I find they'll always turn to something; but when you pursue a -poor Woman, only to make her Lover jealous, what Pleasure can you take -in that? - -Don _John._ That Pleasure. - -_Lop._ Look you there, again. - -Don _John._ Why, Sirrah, d'ye think there's no Pleasure in spoiling -their Sport, when I can't make my own? - -_Lop._ O! to a good-natur'd Man, be sure there must; but, suppose, -instead of 'fending and proving with his Mistress, he shou'd come -to----a----parrying and thrusting with you; what becomes of your Joy, -then, my noble Master? - -Don _John._ Why, do you think I'm afraid to fight, you Rascal? - -_Lop._ I thought we were talking of what we lov'd, not what we fear'd, -Sir. - -Don _John._ Sir, I love every Thing that leads to what I love most. - -_Lop._ I know, Sir, you have often fought upon these Occasions. - -Don _John._ Therefore, that has been no stop to my Pleasures. - -_Lop._ But you have never been kill'd once, Sir; and when that happens, -you will for ever lose the Pleasure of---- - -Don _John._ [_Striking him._] Breaking your Head, you Rascal, which -will afflict me heartily. See who knocks so hard. - - [_Knocking._ - -_Lop._ Somebody that thinks I can hear no better than you think I can -feel. - - _Enter Don ~Guzman~._ - -Don _Guz._ Don _John de Alvarada_, is he here? - -_Lop._ There's the Man. Shew me such another, if you can find him. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Guz._ Don _John_, I desire to speak with you alone. - -Don _John._ You may speak before this Fellow, Sir; he's trusty. - -Don _Guz._ 'Tis an Affair of Honour, Sir. - -Don _John._ Withdraw, _Lopez_. - -_Lop._ Behind the Door I will, and no farther. [_Aside._] This Fellow -looks as if he came to save me a broken Head. - - [_~Lopez~ retires._ - -Don _Guz._ I call myself _Don Guzman de Torrellas_; you know what -Blood I spring from; I am a Cadet, and by consequence, not rich; but I -am esteem'd by Men of Honour: I have been forward to expose myself in -Battles abroad, and I have met with Applause in our Feasts at home. - -_Lop._ So much by way of Introduction. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _John._ I understand your Merit, Sir, and shou'd be glad to do as -much by your Business. - -Don _Guz._ Give Attention, and you'll be instructed. I love _Leonora_, -and from my Youth have done so. Long she rejected my Sighs, and -despised my Tears, but my Constancy at last hath vanquish'd. I have -found the way to her Heart, and nothing is wanting to compleat my Joy, -but the Consent of her Father, whom I cannot yet convince, that the -Wants in my Fortune are recompens'd by the Merits of my Person. - -_Lop._ He's a very dull Fellow, indeed. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Guz._ In the mean while, the Object of my Vows is a sharer in -my Grief, and the only Cordial we have is the Pleasure of a secret -Conversation, thro' a small Breach I have made in a thin Partition that -divides our Lodgings. I trust you, Don _John_, with this important -Secret; Friend or Enemy, you are noble, therefore keep it; I charge -your Honour with it. - -_Lop._ You cou'd not put it in better Hands. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Guz._ But more; my Passion for this Lady is not hid; all -_Valencia_ is acquainted with my Wishes, and approves my Choice. You -alone, Don _John de Alvarada_, seeming ignorant of my Vows, dare -traverse my Amour. - -Don _John._ Go on. - -_Lop._ These Words import War; lie close, _Lopez_. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Guz._ You are the _Argus_ of our Street and the Spy of _Leonora_; -whether _Diana_ by her borrow'd Light supplies the Absence of the -_Astrea_ of Day, or that the Shades of Night cover the Earth with -impenetrable Darkness; you still attend till _Aurora_'s Return, under -the Balcony of that adorable Beauty. - -Don _John._ So? - -Don _Guz._ Wherever she moves, you still follow as her Shadow, -at Church, at Plays: Be her Business with Heaven or Earth, your -Importunity is such, you'll share it. - -_Lop._ He is a forward Fellow, that's the Truth on't. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Guz._ But what's still farther, you take the Liberty to copy me; -my Words, my Actions, every Motion is no sooner mine, but your's. In -short, you ape me, Don; and to that point, I once design'd to stab -myself, and try if you wou'd follow me in that too. - -_Lop._ No, there the Monkey wou'd have left you. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Guz._ But to conclude. - -Don _John._ 'Tis Time. - -Don _Guz._ My Patience, Don, is now no more; and I pronounce, that -if henceforth I find you under _Leonora_'s Window, who never wish'd, -fond Man, to see you there; I, by the ways of Honour, shall fix you in -another Station. I leave you to consider on't.----Farewel. - - [_Exit ~Don~ Guz._ - -Don _John._ Hold, Sir, we had e'en as good do this honourable Deed now. - - _Re-enter ~Lopez~._ - -_Lop._ No, pray, Sir, let him go, and maybe you mayn't have Occasion to -do it at all. - -Don _John._ I thought at first the Coxcomb came upon another Subject, -which wou'd have embarrassed me much more. - -_Lop._ Now this was a Subject wou'd have embarrass'd me enough in all -Conscience. - -Don _John._ I was afraid he came to forbid me seeing his Sister, -_Isabella_, with whom I'm upon very good Terms. - -_Lop._ Why, now, that's a hard Case, when you have got a Man's Sister, -you can't leave him his Mistress. - -Don _John._ No, Changeling, I hate him enough, to love every Woman that -belongs to him: and the Fool has so provok'd me by this Threatning, -that I believe I shall have a Stroke at his Mother, before I think -myself even with him. - -_Lop._ A most admirable way to make up Accounts, truly! - -Don _John._ A Son of a Whore! s'death, I did not care Sixpence for the -Slut before, but now I'll have her Maidenhead in a Week, for fear the -Rogue shou'd marry her in ten Days. - -_Lop._ Mum; here's her Father: I'll warrant this old Spark comes to -correct our Way of living too. - - _Enter Don ~Felix~._ - -Don _Fel._ Don _John!_ - -Don _John._ Don _Felix!_ do I see you in my poor Dwelling? Pray, to -what lucky Accident do I owe this Honour? - -Don _Fel._ That I may speak to you without Constraint, pray send away -your Servant. - -_Lop._ What the Pox have I done to 'em, they are all so uneasy at my -Company? - - [_Aside._ - -Don _John._ Give us Chairs, and leave the Room. - -_Lop._ If this old Fellow comes to quarrel with us too, he'll at least -do us less harm. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Fel._ Won't you retire, Friend? - - [_Looking behind._ - -Don _John._ Be gone, Sirrah. - -_Lop. aside._] Pox take ye----you old Prig, you: But I shall be even -with you. - - [_Lopez hides himself._ - -Don _Fel._ You know me, Sir? - -Don _John._ I do, Sir. - -Don _Fel._ That I call myself---- - -Don _John._ Don Felix. - -Don _Fel._ That I am of the House of---- - -Don _John._ _Cabrera_, one of the first of _Valencia_. - -Don _Fel._ That my Estate is---- - -Don _John._ Great. - -Don _Fel._ You know that I have some Reputation in the World? - -Don _John._ I know your Reputation equals your Birth. - -Don _Fel._ And you are not ignorant, that Heaven, for the Consolation -of my grey Hairs, has given me an only Daughter, who is not deform'd? - -Don _John._ Beauteous as Light. - -Don _Fel._ Well shap'd, witty, and endow'd with-- - -Don _John._ All the good Qualities of Mind and Body. - -Don _Fel._ Since you are satisfy'd with all this, hearken, I pray, with -Attention, to the Business that brings me hither. - -Don _John._ I shall. - -Don _Fel._ We all know, Don _John_, some by their own Experience, some -by that of others, how nice a Gentleman's Honour is, and how easily -tarnish'd; an _Eclaircissement_ manag'd with Prudence, often prevents -Misfortunes, that, perhaps, might be upon the Point of attending us. I -have thought it my Duty to acquaint you, that I have seen your Designs -upon my Daughter: You pass Nights entire under her Window, as if you -were searching an Opportunity to get into my House; there is nobody -in the Town but has taken Notice of your Proceedings; you give the -Publick a Subject for disadvantageous Discourse; and tho' in reality -_Leonora_'s Virtue receives no Prejudice by it, her Reputation daily -runs some Risque. My Years have taught me to judge right of Things; and -yet, I have not been able to decide what your End can be; you can't -regard my Daughter on a foot of Gallantry; you know her Virtue, and my -Birth too well; and for a Wife you seem to have no Thought, since you -have yet made no Demand to me: What then is your Intention? You have -heard, perhaps, I have hearken'd to a Gentleman of _Toledo_, a Man of -Merit. I own I have, and I expect him daily here; but, Don _John_, if -'tis that which hinders you from declaring in form, I'll ease you of a -great deal of Trouble, which the Customs of the World impose upon these -Occasions, and, in a Word, I'll break with him, and give you _Leonora_. - -_Lop._ Good. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Fel._ You don't answer me! What is't that troubles you? - -Don _John._ That I have been such a Sot, old Gentleman, to hear you -with so much Patience. - - [_Rising._ - -Don _Fel._ How, Don! I'm more astonish'd at your Answer, than I was -with your Silence. - -Don _John._ Astonish'd! Why han't you talk'd to me of Marriage? He asks -me to marry, and wonders what I complain of! - -Don _Fel._ 'Tis well----'tis well, Don _John_, the Outrage is violent! -You insult me in your own House. But, know, Sir---- - - [_Rising._ - -Don _John._ But, know, Sir, there needs no Quarrel, if you please, Sir; -I like your Daughter very well; but for marrying her----_Serviteur_. - -Don _Fel._ Don _Guzman de Torrellas_ has not less Merit than you, Don. - -Don _John._ Agreed; what then? - -Don _Fel._ And yet I have refus'd him my Daughter. - -Don _John._ Why then, you have used him better than you have done me, -which I take very unkindly. - -Don _Fel._ I have us'd you, Sir---- - -Don _John._ Us'd me, Sir? you have us'd me very ill, to come into my -own House to seduce me. - -Don _Fel._ What Extravagance! - -Don _John._ What Persecution! - -Don _Fel._ Am I then to have no other Answer? - -Don _John._ Methinks, you have enough in all Conscience. - -Don _Fel._ Promise me, at least, you'll cease to love my Daughter. - -Don _John._ I won't affront your Family so far, neither. - -_Lop._ I'gad my Master shines to-day. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Fel._ Know, Don, that I can bear no more. - -_Lop._ If he cou'd, I think there's no more to lay upon him. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Fel._ If I find you continue to importune _Leonora_, I shall find -a way to satisfy my offended Honour, and punish your Presumption. - -Don _John._ You shall do what you please to me, provided you don't -marry me. - -Don _Fel._ Know, _Alvarada_, there are ways to revenge such outrageous -Affronts as these. - -Don _John._ I won't marry. - -Don _Fel._ 'Tis enough. - - [_Exit Don ~Felix~._ - - _Re-enter ~Lopez~._ - -_Lop._ So; the old Fellow's gone at last, and has carry'd great Content -along with him. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _John._ _Lopez_. - -_Lop._ Sir---- - -Don _John._ What dost think? He wou'd have marry'd me! - -_Lop._ Yes, he had found his Man. But you have been even with him. - -Don _John._ What! thou hast heard us then? - -_Lop._ Or I were no Valet: But, pray, what does your Honour intend to -do now? Will you continue the Siege of a Place, where, 'tis probable, -they will daily augment the Fortifications, when there are so many open -Towns you may march into, without the Trouble of opening the Trenches. - -Don _John._ I am going, _Lopez_, to double my Attacks: I'll beat -up her Quarters six Times a-night; I am now downright in Love: the -Difficulties pique me to the Attempt, and I'll conquer or I'll die. - -_Lop._ Why, to confess the Truth, Sir, I find you much upon my Taste in -this Matter: Difficulties are the Rocambole of Love; I never valu'd an -easy Conquest in my life. To rouse my Fire; the Lady must cry out, as -softly as ever she can, Have a Care, my Dear, my Mother has seen us: My -Brothers suspect me; my Husband may surprize us: O, dear Heart, have a -Care, I pray! Then, I play the Devil: But, when I come to a Fair-one, -where I may hang up my Cloak upon a Peg, get into my Gown and Slippers-- - -Don _John._ Impudent Rogue! - - [_Aside._ - -_Lop._ See her stretch'd upon the Couch, in great Security, with--My -Dear, come kiss me, we have nothing to fear--I droop, I yawn, I sleep. - -Don _John._ Well, Sir, whatever you do with your Fair-one, I am going -to be very busy with mine; I was e'en almost weary of her, but _Guzman_ -and this old Fellow have reviv'd my dying Fire; and so, have at her. - -_Lop._ 'Tis all mighty well, Sir; mighty well, Sir, as can be in the -World. But, if you wou'd have the Goodness to consider _en passant_, or -so, a little now and then about Swords and Daggers, and Rivals and old -Fellows, and Pistols and great Guns, and such like Baubles, only now -and then at leisure, Sir, not to interrupt Things of more Consequence. - -Don _John._ Thou art a cowardly Rascal, I have often consider'd that. - -_Lop._ Ay, that's true, Sir; and yet a Blunderbuss is presently -discharged out of a Garret-Window. - -Don _John._ Come, no more Words, but follow me: How now! what -Impertinence have we here now, to stop me? - - _Enter Don ~Pedro~._ - -_Lop._ 'Tis Don _Pedro_, or I'm a Dog. - -Don _John._ Impossible! Don _Pedro_ return'd! - -Don _Ped._ 'Tis I, my dearest Friend; I'm come to forget all the -Miseries of a long Absence in one happy Embrace. - - [_They embrace._ - -Don _John._ I'm overjoy'd to see you. - -Don _Ped._ Mine's not to be exprest. What, Friend _Lopez_ here still! -How dost do, _Lopez_? What, dost not know me? - -_Lop._ As well as my Father's Seal, Sir, when he sends me a Bill of -Exchange. - -Don _Ped._ Just as he was, I find, Galliard still. - -_Lop._ I find it very unwholesome to be otherwise, Sir. - -Don _John._ You have then quitted the Service in _Flanders_, I suppose. - -Don _Ped._ I have so, Friend! I have left the Ensigns of _Mars_, and am -listing myself in a softer Militia. - -Don _John._ Explain, pray. - -Don _Ped._ Why, when your Father's Death oblig'd you to leave -_Brussels_, and return hither to the plentiful Fortune he left you; -I stay'd in _Flanders_, very trist for your Lost, and past three -Years in the Trade of War. About two Months since, my Father writ to -me from _Toledo_, that he was going to marry me very advantageously -at _Valencia_: He sent me the Picture of the Lady, and I was so well -pleased with it, that I immediately got my _Congé_ and embark'd at -_Dunkirk_; I had a quick Passage to the _Groyne_, from whence, by the -way of _Madrid_, I am come hither with all the Speed I cou'd. I have, -you must know, been two Days in Town, but I have lain _Incognito_, that -I might inform myself of the Lady's Conduct I'm to marry; and I have -discover'd, that she's serv'd by two Cavaliers of Birth and Merit. But -tho' they have both given many Proofs of a most violent Passion, I -have found, for the Quiet of my Honour, that this virtuous Lady, out -of Modesty or Prudence, has shewn a perfect Indifference to them and -their Gallantries; her Fortune is considerable, her Birth is high, her -Manners irreproachable, and her Beauty so great, that nothing but my -Love can equal it. - -Don _John._ I have hearken'd to you, Don _Pedro_, with a great deal of -Attention, and Heaven's my Witness, I have a mighty Joy in seeing you; -but the Devil fetch me, it makes my Heart bleed, to hear you are going -to be married. - -Don _Ped._ Say no more of that, I desire you; we have always been -Friends, and I earnestly beg we ever may be so; but I am not come to -ask Counsel about my Marriage; my Party is taken, and my Inquiries have -so much heightened my Desire, that nothing can henceforth abate it. I -must, therefore, expect from you, dear Friend, that you won't oppose -it, but that you'll aid me in hast'ning the Moment of my Happiness. - -Don _John._ Since 'tis so impossible for you to resolve for your own -Good, I must submit to what you'll have me: But are not we to know the -Name of this Piece of Rarity, that is to do you this good Turn? - -Don _Ped._ You'll know it presently; for I'm going to carry you to her -House. - -Don _John._ You shall tell me, at least, who are her two Gallants. - -Don _Ped._ One, they cou'd not tell me his Name; t' other is----But -before we talk any more of these Affairs, can you let me dispose of -_Lopez_, till the Return of a Servant, I sent three Days ago to---- - -Don _John._ Carry News of you to _Papa_, I suppose. - -Don _Ped._ You are right; the good Man is thirty Leagues off, and I -have not seen him these six Years. - -Don _John._ _Lopez_, do you wait upon Don _Pedro_. - -_Lop._ With all my Heart. It's at least a Suspension of Boxes of the -Ear, and Kicks of the Backside. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Ped._ Then, honest _Lopez_, with your Master's Leave, go to the -New-Inn, the King of _France_ on Horseback, and see if my Servant's -return'd; I'll be there immediately, to charge thee with a Commission -of more Importance. - -_Lop._ I shall perform your Orders, Sir, both to your Satisfaction, and -my own Reputation. - - [_Exit ~Lopez~._ - -Don _John._ Very quaint. Well, old Acquaintance, you are going to be -married then? 'Tis resolved: Ha! - -Don _Ped._ So says my Star. - -Don _John._ The foolishest Star that has said any Thing a great while. - -Don _Ped._ Still the same, I see! Or, more than ever, resolv'd to love -nothing. - -Don _John._ Love nothing! Why, I'm in Love at this very Time. - -Don _Ped._ With what? - -Don _John._ A Woman. - -Don _Ped._ Impossible! - -Don _John._ True. - -Don _Ped._ And how came you in love with her? - -Don _John._ Why, I was ordered not to be in love with her. - -Don _Ped._ Then, there's more Humour than Love in't. - -Don _John._ There shall be what you please in't. But I shan't quit the -Gentlewoman, till I have convinced her there's something in't. - -Don _Ped._ Mayn't I know her Name? - -Don _John._ When you have let me into your conjugal Affection. - -Don _Ped._ Pray, stay here but till I have sent _Lopez_ to my -Father-in-law; I'll come back, and carry you with me in a Moment. - -Don _John._ I'll expect you. - -Don _Ped._ Adieu, dear Friend! May I in earnest see you quickly in Love! - - [_Exit Don ~Pedro~._ - -Don _John._ May I, without a Jest, see you quickly a Widower. - - _Don ~John~ solus._ - -He comes, he says, to marry a Woman of Quality that has two -Lovers----If it should be _Leonora_----But, why she? There are many, I -hope, in that Condition in _Valencia_----I'm a little embarrass'd about -it, however---- - - _Friendship, take heed; if Woman interfere, - Be sure the Hour of thy Destruction's near._ - - [Exit. - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ II. - - -+SCENE+, _Leonora_'s Apartment. - - _Enter ~Leonora~, ~Isabella~, and ~Jacinta~._ - -_Leon._ Dear _Isabella_, come in: How I am plagu'd with this -troublesome Wretch! _Jacinta_, have you shut the outer Gates? - -_Jacin._ I have, Madam. - -_Leo._ Shut the Window too; we shall have him get in there, by and bye. - -_Isab._ What's this you are in such Apprehensions of, pray? - -_Leo._ Nothing worth naming. - -_Isab._ You dissemble: Something of Love in the Case, I'll warrant you. - -_Leo._ The Reverse on't; 'tis Aversion. My Impertinent Star has -furnish'd me with a Lover for my Guard, who is never from my Window; he -persecutes me to Distraction; I affront him fifty Times a day; which -he receives with a Bow down to the Ground: In short, all I can do, is -doing nothing at all: He still persists in loving me, as much as I hate -him. - -_Isab._ Have a Care he don't get the better on't, for all that; for -when a Man loves a Woman well enough to persevere, 'tis odds but she -at last loves him well enough to make him give it over. But I think I -had as good take off my Scarf; for, since my Brother Don _Guzman_ knows -I'm with you, he won't quarrel at my return, for the Length of my Visit. - -_Leo._ If he shou'd, I shou'd quarrel with him, which few Things else -wou'd make me do. But methinks, _Isabella_, you are a little melancholy. - -_Isab._ And you a little thoughtful. - -_Leo._ Pray, tell me your Affliction. - -_Isab._ Pray don't conceal yours. - -_Leo._ Why, truly, my Heart is not at ease. - -_Isab._ Mine, I fear, never will. - -_Leo._ My Father's marrying me against my Inclination. - -_Isab._ My Brother is hind'ring me from marrying with mine. - -_Leo._ You know I love your Brother, Don _Guzman_. - -_Isab._ And you shall know, I'm uneasy for Don _John de Alvarada_. - -_Leo._ Don _John_! - -_Isab._ The same. - -_Leo._ Have you any Reason to hope for a Return? - -_Isab._ I think so. - -_Leo._ I'm afraid, my Dear, you abuse yourself. - -_Isab._ Why? - -_Leo._ Because he is already in Love with---- - -_Isab._ Who? - -_Leo._ Me. - -_Isab._ I wou'd not have you too positive in that, Madam, for I am very -sure that---- - -_Leo._ Madam, I am very sure that he's the troublesome Guest I just now -complain'd of: And you may believe---- - -_Isab._ Madam, I can never believe he's troublesome to any Body. - -_Leo._ O, dear Madam! But I'm sure I'm forc'd to keep my Windows shut, -till I'm almost dead with Heat; and that, I think, is troublesome. - -_Isab._ This Mistake is easily set right, _Leonora_; our Houses join, -and when he looks at my Window, you fancy 'tis at your's. - -_Leo._ But, when he attacks my Door, Madam, and almost breaks it down, -I don't know how in the World to fancy 'tis your's. - -_Isab._ A Man may do that to disguise his real Inclination. - -_Leo._ Nay, if you please, believe he's dying for you. I wish he were; -then I shou'd be troubled no more with him. Be sure, _Jacinta_, you -don't open a Window to-night. - -_Isab._ Not while I'm here, at least; for if he knows that, he may -chance to press in. - -_Leo._ Look you, _Isabella_, 'tis entirely alike to me, who he's fond -of; but I'm so much your Friend, I can't endure to see you deceiv'd. - -_Isab._ And since I have the same Kindness for you, _Leonora_, know, in -short, that my Brother is so alarm'd at his Passion for me, that he has -forbid him the Street. - -_Leo._ Bless my Soul! and don't you plainly see by that, he's jealous -of him upon my Account? - -_Isa._ [_Smiling._] He's jealous of his Honour, Madam, lest he shou'd -debauch his Sister. - -_Leo._ I say, he's jealous of his Love, lest he shou'd corrupt his -Mistress. - -_Isab._ But why all this Heat? If you love my Brother, why are you -concern'd Don _John_ shou'd love me? - -_Leo._ I'm not concern'd: I have no Designs upon him; I care not who he -loves. - -_Isab._ Why then are you angry? - -_Leo._ Why do you say he does not care for me! - -_Isab._ Well, to content you then, I know nothing certain, but that I -love him. - -_Leo._ And to content you; I know nothing so certain, as that I neither -love him, nor ever can love him: And so I hope we are Friends again. - -_Isab._ Kiss me, then, and let us never be otherwise. - -_Leo._ Agreed: [_They kiss._] And now, my Dear, as my Misfortune's -nearest, I am first to be pity'd; I am the most wretched Woman living. -My Father every Moment expects a Gentleman from _Flanders_, to whom he -has resolv'd to marry me. But neither Duty, nor Prudence, nor Danger, -nor Resolution, nor all I can summon to my Aid, can drive your Brother -from my Heart; but there he's fix'd to ruin me. - -_Jacin._ Madam, here's Don _Guzman_ at the Chamber-Door; he begs so -passionately to come in, sure you can't refuse him. - -_Leo._ Heav'ns! But does he consider to what he exposes me? - -_Jacin._ Madam, he considers nothing; if he did, I'd say he were an -impudent Fellow, to pretend to be in Love with you. - -_Leo._ Shall I venture, _Isabella_? - -_Isab._ You know best. - - _Enter Don ~Guzman~._ - -_Jacin._ Marry, methinks he knows best of us all, for here he comes. - -Don _Guz._ Forgive me, lovely _Leonora_; 'tis the last Time, perhaps, -that I may beg your Pity. My Rival is not far off: Excess of Modesty is -now our Ruin. Break through it, for this Moment you have left, and own, -to your old Father, how you love. He once did so himself; our Scene of -Sorrow may, perhaps, recall some small Remembrance of his tender Years, -and melt him into Mercy. - -_Leo._ Alas! Don _Guzman_---- - -_Jacin._ O Heavens! Madam---- - -_Leo._ What's the Matter? - -_Jacin._ Y' are undone; here's your Father. - -_Isab._ What an unlucky Accident! - -_Leo._ Has he seen Don _Guzman_? - -_Jacin._ Nay, the deuce knows. - -_Isab._ Where shall he hide himself? - -_Jacin._ In the Moon, if he can get thither. - - _Enter Don ~Felix~._ - -Don _Guz._ I must e'en stand it now. - -Don _Fel._ Good News, my Daughter, good News; I come to acquaint -you, that----How now? What's the Meaning of this? Don _Guzman_ in my -Daughter's Chamber! - -Don _Guz._ I see your Surprize, Sir, but you need not be disturb'd; -'twas some sudden Business with my Sister brought me here. - -Don _Fel._ 'Tis enough, Sir: I'm glad to find you here; you shall be a -Witness, that I know how to preserve the Honour of my Family. - -Don _Guz._ What mean you, Sir? - -Don _Fel._ To marry _Leonora_ this Moment. - -Don _Guz._ How say you? - -Don _Fel._ I say, you shall have nothing left to ask of me. - -Don _Guz._ Is't possible? O Heavens! what Joy I feel! - -Don _Fel._ _Leonora_, prepare your Hand and Heart. - -_Leo._ They both are ready, Sir; and in giving me the Man I love, you -charge me with a Debt of Gratitude can never be repay'd. - -Don _Guz._ [_Kneeling._] Upon my Knees, I thank the best of Men, for -blessing me with all that's blest in Woman. - -_Isab._ How well that kind, that gentle Look becomes him! - -_Jacin._ Now, methinks he looks like an old Rogue; I don't like his -Looks. - - [_Aside._ - - _Enter ~Lopez~._ - -_Lop._ To all whom it may concern, greeting, Don _Pedro Osorio_, -acknowledging himself most unworthy of the Honour intended him, in -the Person of the fair _Leonora_, addresses himself, by me, his small -Ambassador, to the Generosity of Don _Felix_, for leave to walk in and -take Possession. - -Don _Fel._ I had already given Order for his Entrance. - -Don _Guz._ What is't I hear? - -_Leo._ Support me. - -_Isab._ She faints. - -Don _Guz._ Look, Tyrant, here, and, if thou can'st, be cruel! - - [_Holding her._ - -Don _Fel._ Bring in Don _Pedro_. - -Don _Guz._ Barbarian! - -_Jacin._ Look up, Madam, for Heaven's sake; since you must marry the -Fellow, e'en make the most on't. - -_Leo._ Hoh---- - - _Enter Don ~Pedro~ and Don ~John~._ - -_Jacin._ So----How d'ye do now? Come, chear up. See, here he comes. -By my Troth, and a pretty turn'd Fellow. [_Aside._] He'll set all to -rights by to-morrow Morning, I'll answer for him. - -Don _Fel._ Don _Pedro_, you are welcome; let me embrace you. - -Don _Ped._ In what Terms, Sir, shall I express what I owe you for the -Honour you do me? And with what Prospect of Return can I receive this -inestimable Present? Your Picture, Madam, made what Impression Art -cou'd stamp, but Nature has done more. What Wounds your Sex can give, -or ours receive, I feel. - -Don _Fel._ Come, Son, (for I'm in haste to call you so)----But what's -this I see? ~Alvarada~ here! Whence, Sir, this Insolence; to come -within my Doors, after you know what has past? Who brought you here? - -Don _Ped._ 'Twas I, Sir. - -Don _Fel._ But do you know that he---- - -Don _Ped._ Sir, he's the best of my Friends. - -Don _Fel._ But do you know, I say, that he wou'd---- - -Don _Ped._ Hinder this Marriage, 'tis true. - -Don _Fel._ Yes, because he design'd---- - -Don _Ped._ I know his Design, Sir; 'tis to hinder all his Friends from -marrying. Pray forgive him. - -Don _Fel._ Then to prevent for ever his Designs here, come hither, -_Leonora_, and give Don _Pedro_ your Hand. - -Don _John._ Keep down, my kindling Jealousy: I've something tortures me -I never felt but now. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Ped._ [_To ~Leo~._] Why this Backwardness, Madam? Where a Father -chooses, a Daughter may with Modesty approve. Pray, give me your Hand. - -Don _Guz._ I cannot see it. - - [_Turning from 'em._ - -Don _Fel._ [_To ~Leo.~ aside._] Are you distracted? Will you let him -know your Folly? Give him your Hand, for Shame. - -_Leo._ Hoh! Don _Guzman_, I am yours. - - [_Sighing, and giving carelesly her Hand._ - -Don _Guz._ Madam! - - [_Turning._ - -Don _Fel._ What a fatal Slip! - - [_Aside._ - -_Leo._ 'Twas not to you I spoke, Sir. - -Don _Ped._ But him it was she nam'd, and thought on too, I fear. I'm -much alarm'd. - -Don _Fel._ [_To ~Leo~._] Repair what you have done, and look more -chearful on him. - -_Leo._ Repair what you have done, and kill me. - -Don _Fel._ Fool. - -_Leo._ Tyrant. - -_Jacin._ A very hum-drum Marriage this. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Guz._ Pray, Sister, let's retire; for I can bear this Sight no -longer. - -_Isab._ My Dear, farewel; I pity you, indeed. - -_Leo._ I am indeed an Object of your Pity. - - [_Exit Don ~Guz.~ and ~Isab.~_ - -Don _Fel._ Come, Daughter, come, my Son, let's to the Church, and tie -this happy Knot. - -Don _Ped._ I'll wait upon you, Sir. - - [_Exit Don ~Fel.~ leading ~Leo.~_ - -Don _John._ I love her, and I'll love her still. Fate do thy worst, -I'll on. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Ped._ To name another Man, in giving me her Hand! - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] How am I rackt and torn with Jealousy? - -Don _Ped._ 'Tis doubtless so, Don Guzman has her Heart. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] The Bridegroom's thoughtful. The Lady's Trip has -furnish'd him with some Matrimonial Reflections: They'll agree with -him at this Time perhaps, better than my Company. I'll leave him. Don -_Pedro_, adieu, we shall meet again at Night. - -Don _Ped._ Pray stay: I have need of a Friend's Counsel. - -Don _John._ What, already! - -Don _Ped._ Already. - -Don _John._ That's to say, you have already enough of Matrimony. - -Don _Ped._ I scarce know what I have, nor am I sure of what I am. - - _Enter ~Lopez~._ - -_Lop._ An't please your Honour, yonder's your Man _Bertrand_ just -arriv'd; his Horse and he are so tired of one another, that they both -came down upon the Pavement at the Stable-Door. - -Don _Ped._ [_To Don ~John~._] He brings News from my Father. - -_Lop._ I believe he does, and hasty News too; but if you stay till he -brings it hither, I believe it will come but slowly. But here's his -Packet; I suppose that will do as well as his Company. - - [_Gives a Letter._ - -Don _Ped._ [_Reads to himself._] My dear friend, here's ill News. - -Don _John._ What's the Matter? - -Don _Ped._ My poor old Father's dying. - -Don _John._ I'm mighty sorry for't; 'tis a weighty Stroke I must -confess; the Burden of his Estate will almost bear you down. But we -must submit to Heaven's good Will. - -Don _Ped._ You talk, _Alvarada_, like a perfect Stranger to that -Tenderness methinks every Son shou'd feel for a good Father: For my -part, I've receiv'd such repeated Proofs of an uncommon Affection from -mine, that the Loss of a Mistress could scarce touch me nearer. You'll -believe me, when you see me leave _Leonora_ a Virgin, till I have seen -the good old Man. - -Don _John._ That will be a Proof, indeed; Heaven's Blessing must needs -fall upon so dutiful a Son; but I don't know how its Judgments may deal -with so indifferent a Lover. - -Don _Ped._ O! I shall have Time enough to repair this seeming small -Neglect: But before I go, pray a Word or two with you alone. _Lopez_, -wait without. [_Exit ~Lop~._] You see, my dearest Friend, I am engag'd -with _Leonora_; perhaps I have done wrong; but 'tis gone too far, to -talk or think of a Retreat; I shall I go directly from this Place to -the Altar, and there seal the eternal Contract. That done, I'll take -Post to see my Father, if I can, before he dies. I leave then here -a young and beauteous Bride; but that which touches every String of -Thought, I fear, I leave her wishing I were _Guzman_. If it be so, no -doubt he knows it well; and he that knows he's lov'd by _Leonora_, -can let no fair Occasion pass to gain her; my Absence is his Friend, -but you are mine, and so the Danger's balanc'd. Into your Hands, my -Dear, my faithful _Alvarada_, [_Embracing him._] I put my Honour, I -put my Life; for both depend on _Leonora_'s Truth. Observe her Lover, -and----neglect not her. You are wise, you are active, you are brave and -true. You have all the Qualities that Man shou'd have for such a Trust; -and I by consequence have all the Assurance Man can have, you'll, as -you ought, discharge it. - -Don _John._ A very hopeful Business you wou'd have me undertake, keep -a Woman honest!--'Sdeath, I'd as soon undertake to keep _Portocarero_ -honest. Look you, we are Friends, intimate Friends; you must not be -angry if I talk freely. Women are naturally bent to Mischief, and their -Actions run in one continued Torrent till they die. But the less a -Torrent's check'd, the less Mischief it does; let it alone, perhaps -'twill only kiss the Banks and pass; but stop it, 'tis insatiable. - -Don _Ped._ I wou'd not stop it; but cou'd I gently turn its Course -where it might run, and vent itself with Innocence, I wou'd. _Leonora_ -of herself is virtuous; her Birth, Religion, Modesty and Sense, will -guide her Wishes where they ought to point. But yet, let Guards be what -they Will, that Place is safest that is ne'er attack'd. - -Don _John._ As far as I can serve you, in hind'ring _Guzman_'s -Approaches, you may command me. - -Don _Ped._ That's all I ask. - -Don _John._ Then all you ask is granted. - -Don _Ped._ I am at ease, farewel. - -Don _John._ Heaven bring you safe to us again. - - [_Exit Don ~Ped~._ - - _Don ~John~ solus._ - -Yes, I shall observe her, doubt it not. I wish no body may observe me, -for I find I'm no more Master of myself. Don _Guzman_'s Passion for her -adds to mine; but when I think on what Don _Pedro_ will reap, I'm Fire -and Flame. Something must be done: What, let Love direct, for I have -nothing else to guide me. - - _Enter ~Lopez~._ - -_Lop._ [_Aside._] Don _Pedro_ is mounting for his Journey, and -leaves a young, warm, liquorish Hussy with a watry Mouth, behind -him----Hum--If she falls handsomely in my Master's Way, let her look to -her----hist--there he is. Doing what? Thinking? That's new. And if any -Good comes on't, that will be newer still. - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] How! Abuse the Trust a Friend reposes in me? And -while he thinks me waking for his Peace, employ the stretch of Thought -to make him wretched? - -_Lop._ Not to interrupt your pious Meditations, Sir, pray have you -seen----Seen what, Fool? Why he can't see thee. I'gad, I believe the -little blind Bastard has whipt him through the Heart in earnest. - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] _Pedro_ wou'd never have done this by me----How -do I know that?----Why----he swore he was my Friend----Well; and I -swore I was his----Why then if I find I can break my Oath, why should -not I conclude he will do as much by his? - -_Lop._ [_Aside._] His Countenance begins to clear up: I suppose Things -may be drawing to a Conclusion. - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] Ay, 'tis just so: And I don't believe he wou'd -have debated the Matter half so long as I have done: I'gad I think I -have put myself to a great Expence of Morality about it. I'm sure, at -least, my Stock's out. But I have a Fund of Love, I hope may last a -little longer. O, are you there, Sir! - - [_Seeing ~Lop~._ - -_Lop._ I think so, Sir; I won't be positive in any thing. - -Don _John._ Follow me: I have some Business to employ you in, you'll -like. - - [_Exit Don ~John~._ - -_Lop._ I won't be positive in that neither. I guess what you are -going about--There's Roguery a-foot: This is at _Leonora_, who I know -hates him; nothing under a Rape will do't----He'll be hang'd----And -then, what becomes of thee, my little _Lopez_?----Why, the Honour to -a----dingle dangle by him. Which he'll have the Good-nature to be -mighty sorry for. But I may chance to be beforehand with him: If we -are not taken in the Fact, they'll perhaps do him the Honour to set a -Reward upon his Head. Which if they do, Don, I shall go near to follow -your moral Example, secure my Pardon, make my Fortune, and hang you up -for the Good of your Country. - - [_Exit._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ III. - - -+SCENE+, _Don_ Felix's _House_. - - _Enter Don ~Felix~, Don ~Pedro~, ~Leonora~, and ~Jacinta~._ - -Don _Fel._ How, Son! oblig'd to leave us immediately, say you? - -Don _Ped._ My ill Fortune, Sir, will have it so. - -_Leo._ [_Aside._] What can this be? - -Don _Fel._ Pray, what's the Matter? You surprise me. - -Don _Ped._ This Letter, Sir, will inform you. - -Don _Fel._ [Reads.] _My dear Son, ~Bertrand~ has brought me the welcome -News of your Return, and has given me your Letter; which has in some -Sort reviv'd my Spirits in the Extremity I am in. I daily expect my -Exit from this World. 'Tis now six Years since I have seen you; I -shou'd be glad to do it once again before I die: If you will give me -that Satisfaction, you must be speedy. Heaven preserve you._ - -[_~To Don~ Ped._] 'Tis enough: The Occasion I'm sorry for, but since -the Ties of Blood and Gratitude oblige you, far be it from me to hinder -you. Farewel, my Son, may you have a happy Journey; and if it be -Heaven's Will, may the sight of so good a Son revive so kind a Father. -I leave you to bid your Wife adieu. - - [_Exit ~Don~ Fel._ - -Don _Ped._ I must leave you, my lovely Bride; but 'tis with bitter -Pangs of Separation. Had I your Heart to chear me on my Way, I might -with such a Cordial run my Course: But that Support you want the Power -to give me. - -_Leo._ Who tells you so? - -Don _Ped._ My Eyes and Ears, and all the Pains I bear. - -_Leo._ When Eyes and Ears are much indulg'd, like favourite Servants -they are apt to abuse the too much Trust their Master places in 'em. - -Don _Ped._ If I'm abus'd, assist me with some fair Interpretation of -all that present Trouble and Disquiet, which is not in my Power to -overlook, nor yours to hide. - -_Leo._ You might methinks have spar'd my Modesty; and without forcing -me to name your Absence, have laid my Trouble there. - -Don _Ped._ No, no, my Fair Deluder, that's a Veil too thin to cover -what's so hard to hide; my Presence not my Absence is the Cause. Your -cold Reception at my first Approach, prepar'd me for the Stroke; and -'twas not long before your Mouth confirmed my Doom: Don _Guzman_, I am -yours. - -_Leo._ Is't then possible the Mouth shou'd utter one Name for another? - -Don _Ped._ Not at all, when it follows the Dictates of the Heart.---- - -_Leo._ Were it even so, what Wrong is from that Heart receiv'd, where -Duty and where Virtue are its Rulers? - -Don _Ped._ Where they preside, our Honour may be safe, yet our Minds be -on the Rack. - -_Leo._ This Discourse will scarce produce a Remedy; we'll end it, -therefore, if you please, and leave the rest to Time: Besides, the -Occasion of your Journey presses you. - -Don _Ped._ The Occasion of my Delay presses you, I fear, much more; you -count the tedious Minutes I am with you, and are reduc'd to mind me of -my Duty, to free yourself from my Sight. - -_Leo._ You urge this thing too far, and do me wrong. The Sentiments I -have for you are much more favourable than your Jealousy suffers 'em -to appear. But if my Heart has seem'd to lean another way, before you -had a Title to it, you ought not to conclude I shall suffer it to do so -long. - -Don _Ped._ I know you have Virtue, Gratitude and Truth; and therefore -'tis I love you to my Ruin. Cou'd I believe you false, Contempt would -soon release me from my Chains, which yet I can't but wish to wear for -ever: therefore indulge at least your Pity to your Slave; 'tis the soft -Path in which we tread to Love. I leave behind a tortur'd Heart to move -you: - - _Weigh well its Pains, think on its Passion too, } - Remember all its Torments spring from you; } - And if you cannot love, at least be true._ } - - [_Exit Don ~Pedro~._ - -_Jacin._ Now by my troth, Madam, I'm ready to cry. He's a pretty -Fellow, and deserves better Luck. - -_Leo._ I own he does: And his Behaviour wou'd engage any thing that -were unengag'd. But, alas! I want his Pity more than he does mine. - -_Jacin._ You do! Now I'm of another Mind. The Moment he sees your -Picture, he's in love with you; the Moment he's in love with you, he -imbarks; and, like Lightning, in a Moment more, he's here: Where you -are pleas'd to receive him with a Don _Guzman, I am yours_. Ah----poor -Man! - -_Leo._ I own, _Jacinta_, he's unfortunate, but still I say my Fate is -harder yet. The irresistible Passion I have for _Guzman_, renders Don -_Pedro_, with all his Merit, odious to me; yet I must in his favour, -make eternal War against the Strength of Inclination and the Man I love. - -_Jac._ [_Aside._] Um----If I were in her Case, I cou'd find an -Expedient for all this Matter. But she makes such a Bustle with her -Virtue, I dare not propose it to her. - -_Leo._ Besides, Don _Pedro_ possesses what he loves, but I must never -think on poor Don _Guzman_ more. - - [_Weeping._ - -_Jac._ Poor Don _Guzman_, indeed! We han't said a Word of the Pickle -he's in yet. Hark! somebody knocks----at the old Rendezvous. It's he, -on my Conscience. - -_Leo._ Let's be gone; I must think of him no more. - -_Jac._ Yes, let's be gone; but let's know whether 'tis he or not, first. - -_Leo._ No, _Jacinta_; I must not speak with him any more. [_Sighing._] -I'm married to another. - -_Jac._ Married to another! Well, Married to another; why, if one were -married to twenty others, one may give a civil Gentleman an Answer. - -_Leo._ Alas! what would'st thou have me to say to him? - -_Jac._ Say to him! Why, one may find twenty Things to say to a Man: -Say, that 'tis true you are married to another, and that 'twould be -a--Sin to think of any Body but your Husband; and that----you are -of a timorous Nature, and afraid of being damn'd; and that a----You -wou'd not have him die neither: That a----Folks are mortal, and Things -sometimes come strangely about, and a Widow's a Widow, and---- - -_Leo._ Peace, Levity [_Sighing._] But see who 'tis knocks. - -_Jac._ Who's there? - -_Isa._ [_Behind the Scenes._] 'Tis I, _Isabella_. - -_Leo._ _Isabella!_ What do you want, my Dear? - -_Isa._ Your Succour, for Heaven's sake, _Leonora_. My Brother will -destroy himself. - -_Leo._ Alas! it is not in my power to save him. - -_Isa._ Permit him but to speak to you; that possibly may do. - -_Leo._ Why have not I the Force to refuse him? - -Don _Guz._ [_Behind the Scenes._] Is it you I hear, my poor lost -Mistress? Am I so happy, once more to meet you, where I so often have -been blest! - -_Jac._ Courage, Madam, say a little something to him. - -Don _Guz._ Not one kind Word to a distracted Lover? No Pity for a -Wretch, you have made so miserable? - -_Leo._ The only Way to end that Misery, is to forget we ever thought of -Happiness! - -Don _Guz._ And is that in your Power? Ah, _Leonora_, you ne'er lov'd -like me. - -_Leo._ How I have lov'd, to Heaven I appeal! But Heaven does now permit -that Love no more. - -Don _Guz._ Why does it then permit us Life and Thought? Are we deceiv'd -in its Omnipotence? Is it reduc'd to find its Pleasures in its -Creatures Pain? - -_Leo._ In what, or where, the Joys of Heaven consist, lies deeper than -a Woman's Line can fathom; but this we know, a Wife must in her Husband -seek for hers, and, therefore, I must think of you no more.----Farewel. - - [_Exit ~Leo~._ - -Don _Guz._ Yet hear me, cruel _Leonora_. - -_Jac._ It must be another Time, then, for she's whipt off now. All the -Comfort I can give you, is, that I see she durst not trust herself any -longer in your Company. But hush, I hear a Noise, get you gone; we -shall be catch'd. - -_Leo._ [_Within._] _Jacinta!_ - -_Jac._ I come, I come, Madam. - - [_Exit ~Jac~._ - - _Enter ~Lopez~._ - -_Lop._ If I mistake not, there are a Brace of Lovers intend to take -some Pains about Madam, in her Husband's Absence. Poor Don _Pedro_! -Well; methinks a Man's in a very merry Mood, that marries a handsome -Wife: When I dispose of my Person, it shall be to an ugly one. They -take it so kindly, and are so full of Acknowledgment; watch you, wait -upon you, nurse you, humour you, are so fond, and so chaste. Or, if the -Hussy has Presumption enough to think of being otherwise, away with -her into the Mountains, fifty Leagues off; no Body opposes. If she's -mutinous, give her Discipline; every Body approves on't. Hang her, says -one, he's kinder than she deserves: Damn her, says another, why does -not he starve her? But, if she's handsome, Ah, the Brute, cries one: Ah -the _Turk_, cries t'other: Why don't she cuckold him, says this Fellow? -Why does not she poison him, says that? and away comes a Pacquet of -Epistles, to advise her to't. Ah poor Don _Pedro_! But enough: 'Tis -now Night, all's hush and still: every Body's a-bed, and what am I to -do? Why, as other trusty Domesticks, sit up to let the Thief in. But I -suppose he won't be here yet; with the help of a small Nap beforehand, -I shall be in a better Condition to perform the Duty of a Centinel, -when I go to my Post. This Corner will just fit me: Come, _Lopez_, lie -thee down, short Prayers, and to sleep. - - [_He lies down._ - - _Enter ~Jacinta~ with a Candle in her Hand._ - -_Jac._ So, I have put my poor Lady to Bed, with nothing but Sobs, -Tears, Sighs, Wishes, and a Pillow to mumble, instead of a Bridegroom, -poor Heart.----I pity her; but every Body has their Afflictions, and -by the Beads of my Grandmother, I have mine. Tell me, kind Gentlemen, -if I have not something to excite you? Methinks I have a rogueish Eye, -I'm sure I have a melting Heart. I'm soft, and warm, and sound, may -it please ye. Whence comes it then, this Rascal _Lopez_, who now has -been two Hours in the Family, has not yet thought it worth his while, -to make one Motion towards me? Not that the Blockhead's Charms have -moved me, but I'm angry mine han't been able to move him. I doubt, I -must begin with the Lubber: my Reputation's at stake upon't, and I must -rouze the Drone, somehow. - - _~Lopez~ rubbing his Eyes, and coming on._ - -_Lop._ What a damn'd Condition is that of a Valet! No sooner do I, in -comfortable Slumber, close my Eyes, but methinks my Master's upon me, -with fifty Slaps o' th' Back, for making him wait in the Street. I have -his Orders to let him in here to-night, and so I had e'en----Who's -that?----_Jacinta!_----Yes, a-caterwauling!--like enough. - -_Jac._ The Fellow's there; I had best not lose the Occasion. - -_Lop._ The Slut's handsome. I begin to kindle: But if my master shou'd -be at the Door----Why there let him be, till the Matter's over. - - [_Aside._ - -_Jac._ Shall I advance? - - [_Aside._ - -_Lop._ Shall I venture? - - [_Aside._ - -_Jac._ How severe a Look he has! - - [_Aside._ - -_Lop._ She seems very reserv'd. - - [_Aside._ - -_Jac._ If he shou'd put the Negative upon me. - - [_Aside._ - -_Lop._ She seems a Woman of great Discretion; I tremble. - - [_Aside._ - -_Jac._ Hang it, I must venture. - - [_Aside._ - -_Lop._ Faint Heart never won fair Lady. - - [_Aside._ - -_Jac._ _Lopez_! - -_Lop._ _Jacinta_! - -_Jac._ O dear Heart! Is't you? - -_Lop._ Charming _Jacinta_, fear me not. - -_Jac._ O ho! he begins to talk soft----then let us take upon us again. - - [_Aside._ - -_Lop._ Cruel _Jacinta_, whose Mouth (small as it is) has made but one -Morsel of my Heart. - -_Jac._ It's well he prevents me. I was going to leap about the Rascal's -Neck. - - [_Aside._ - -_Lop._ Barbare _Jacinta_, cast your Eyes On your poor _Lopez_, ere he -dies. - -_Jac._ Poetry too! Nay then I have done his Business. - - [_Aside._ - -_Lop._ Feel how I burn with hot desire, Ah! pity me, and quench my -Fire. Deaf, my fair Tyrant, deaf to my Woes! Nay, then, Barbarian, in -it goes. - - [_Drawing a Knife._ - -_Jac._ Why, how now, Jack Sauce? why, how now, Presumption? What -Encouragement have I given you, Jack-a-lent, to attack me with your -Tenders? I cou'd tear your Eyes out, Sirrah, for thinking I'm such a -one. What Indecency have you seen in my Behaviour, Impudence, that you -shou'd think me for your beastly Turn, you Goat, you? - -_Lop._ Patience, my much offended Goddess, 'tis honourably I wou'd -share your Bed. - -_Jac._ Peace, I say--Mr. _Liquorish_. I, for whom the most successful -Cavaliers employ their Sighs in vain, shall I look down upon a crawling -Worm? Pha--See that Crop Ear there, that Vermin that wants to eat at a -Table, would set his Master's Mouth a-watering. - -_Lop._ May I presume to make an humble Meal upon what savoury Remnants -he may leave? - -_Jac._ No. - -_Lop._ 'Tis hard! 'tis wondrous hard! - -_Jac._ Leave me. - -_Lop._ 'Tis pitiful, 'tis wondrous pitiful! - -_Jac._ Begone, I say. Thus, Ladies 'tis, perhaps, sometimes with you; -With Scorn you fly the Thing, which you pursue. - - [_Exit ~Jac~._ - -_Lop._ [_Solus._] 'Tis very well, Mrs. Flipflap, 'tis very well; -but do you hear----Tawdry, you are not so alluring as you think you -are----Comb-brush, nor I so much in love----your Maidenhead may chance -to grow mouldy with your Airs--the Pox be your Bedfellow; there's that -for you. Come, let's think no more on't. Sailors must meet with Storms; -my Master's going to Sea, too. He may chance to fare no better with the -Lady, than I have done with her _Abigail_: There may be foul Weather -there, too. I reckon, at present, he may be lying by under a Mizen, -at the Street-Door; I think it rains too, for his Comfort. What if I -shou'd leave him there an Hour or two, in fresco, and try to work off -the Amour that Way? No; People will be physick'd their own Way. But, -perhaps, I might save his Life by't----yes, and have my Bones broke, -for being so officious; therefore, if you are at the Door, Don John, -walk in, and take your Fortune. - - [_Opens the Door._ - - _Enter Don ~John~._ - -Don _John._ Hist! hist! - -_Lop._ Hist! hist! - -Don _John._ _Lopez_! - -_Lop._ [_Aside._] The Devil--Tread softly. - -Don _John._ Are they all asleep? - -_Lop._ Dead. - -Don _John._ Enough; shut the Door. - -_Lop._ 'Tis done. - -Don _John._ Now, begone. - -_Lop._ What! Shut the Door first, and then begone! Now, methinks, I -might as well have gone first, and then shut the Door. - -Don _John._ I bid you begone, you Dog, you, do you find the way. - -_Lop._ [_Aside._] Stark mad, and always so when a Woman's in chace. -But, Sir, will you keep your chief Minister out of the Secrets of your -State? Pray, let me know what this Night's Work is to be. - -Don _John._ No Questions, but march. - - [Lop. _goes to the Door, and returns_. - -_Lop._ Very well----But, Sir, shall I stay for you in the Street? - -Don _John._ No, nor stir out of the House. - -_Lop._ So: well, Sir, I'll do just as you have order'd me; I'll be -gone, and I'll stay; and I'll march, and I won't stir, and--just as you -say, Sir. - -Don _John._ I see you are afraid, you Rascal, you. - -_Lop._ Possibly. - -Don _John_. Well, be it so; but you shan't leave the House, Sir; -therefore, begone to your Hogstye, and wait further Orders. - -_Lop._ [_Aside._] But, first, I'll know how you intend to dispose of -yourself. - - [_~Lop.~ hides behind the Door._ - - _Don ~John~ solus._ - -Don _John._ All's hush and still; and I am at the Point of being -a happy----Villain. That Thought comes uninvited----Then, like an -uninvited Guest, let it be treated: Begone, Intruder. _Leonora_'s -Charms turn Vice to Virtue, Treason into Truth; Nature, who has made -her the supreme Object of our Desires, must needs have designed her the -Regulator of our Morals. Whatever points at her, is pointed right. We -are all her due, Mankind's the Dower which Heaven has settled on her; -and he's the Villain that would rob her of her Tribute. I, therefore, -as in Duty bound, will in, and pay her mine. - -_Lop._ [_Aside._] There he goes, i'faith; he seem'd as if he had a -Qualm just now; but he never goes without a Dram of Conscience-Water -about him, to set Matters right again. - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] This is her Door, 'tis lock'd; but I have a -Smith about me will make her Staple fly. - - [_Pulls out some Irons, and forces the Lock._ - -_Lop._ [_Aside._] Hark! hark! if he is not equipt for a Housebreaker, -too. Very well, he has provided two Strings to his Bow; if he 'scapes -the Rape, he may be hang'd upon the Burglary. - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] There, 'tis done, so: No Watch-Light burning? -[_Peeping into her Chamber._] All in darkness? So much the better, -'twill save a great deal of blushing on both Sides. Methinks I feel -myself mighty modest, I tremble too; that's not proper at this Time. Be -firm, my Courage, I have Business for thee--So--How am I now? Pretty -well. Then by your Leave, Don _Pedro_, I must supply your Neglect. -You should not have married till you were ready for Consummation; -a Maidenhead ought no more to lie upon a handsome Bride, than an -Impeachment upon an innocent Minister. - - [_~Don~ John enters the Chamber._ - -_Lop._ [_Coming forwards._] Well done, well done; God-a-mercy, my -little _Judas_. Unfortunate Don _Pedro_! thou hast left thy Purse in -the Hands of a Robber; and while thou art galloping to pay the last -Duty to thy Father, he's at least upon the Trot to pay the first to -thy Wife. Ah the Traitor! What a _Capilotade_ of Damnation will there -be cook'd up for him! But softly: Let's lay our Ear to the Door, and -pick up some Curiosities----I hear no Noise----There's no Light; we -shall have him blunder where he should not do, by and by----commit a -Rape upon her Tea-Table, perhaps, break all her China, and then she'll -be sure to hang him. But hark--now I hear--nothing; she does not say a -Word; she sleeps curiously. How if she shou'd take it all for a Dream, -now? Or her Virtue shou'd be fallen into an Apoplexy? Where the Pox -will all this end? - -_Leo._ [_Within._] _Jacinta_! _Beatrix_! _Fernandez_! Murder! Murder! -help! help! help! - -_Lop._ Now the Play begins, it opens finely. - -_Leo._ [_Within._] Father! _Alphonso!_ Save me, O save me! - -_Lop._ Comedy or Tragedy, for a Ducat! for fear of the latter, decamp -_Lopez_. - - [_Exit ~Lopez~._ - - -+SCENE+ _changes to ~Leonora~'s Bed-Chamber; discovers ~Leonora~ in a -Gown, holding Don ~John~ by the Sleeve._ - -_Leo._ Whoever you are, Villain, you shan't escape me; and tho' your -Efforts have been in vain, you shan't fail to receive the Recompence of -your Attempt: Help, ho, help there! help! - - [_Don ~John~ breaks from her, but can't find the Door._ - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] S'death, I shall be undone! Where is this damn'd -Door? - -_Leo._ He'll get away: a Light there, quickly. - - _Enter Don ~Guzman~ with his Sword drawn._ - -Don _Guz._ Where are you, fair Angel? I come to lose my Life in your -Defence. - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] That's _Guzman_'s Voice? The Devil has sent him: -But we are still in the dark; I have one _Tour_ yet--Impudence, be -my Aid. Light there, ho! Where is the Villain that durst attempt the -virtuous _Leonora_. - -Don _Guz._ His Life shall make her Satisfaction. - -Don _John._ Or mine shall fall in his pursuit. - -Don _Guz._ 'Tis by my Hands that she shall see him die. - -Don _John._ My Sword shall lay him bleeding at her Feet. - -_Leo._ [_Aside._] What can this mean? But here's Light at last, thank -the just bounteous Heaven. - -Don _John._ Enter with the Light there; but secure the Door, lest the -Traitor 'scape my Vengeance. - - _Enter Don ~Pedro~, with a Light, he finds ~Leonora~ between - them; both their Swords drawn._ - -_Leo._ O Heavens! what is't I see? - -Don _John._ Don _Pedro_ here! - -Don _Ped._ What monstrous Scene is this? - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Guz._ What Accident has brought him here? - - [_Aside._ - -Don _John._ How I'm intrigu'd, indeed. - - [_Aside._ - - [_Don ~Pedro~ steps back and shuts the Door._ - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] This Mystery must unfold before we part. What -Torments has my Fate provided me? Is this the Comfort I'm to reap, to -dry my Tears, for my poor Father's death? [_To ~Leo~._] Ah _Leonora_! - -_Leo._ [_Aside._] Alas! where will this end! - - [_Falling into a Chair._ - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] Naked! and thus attended at the dead of Night! My -Soul is froze at what I see. Confusion sits in all their Faces, and in -large Characters I read the Ruin of my Honour and my Love. - -[_To the Men._] Speak, Statues, if you yet have Power to speak, why at -this Time of Night you are found with _Leonora_?----None speak! Don -_John_, it is from you I ought to know. - -Don _John._ My Silence may inform you. - -Don _Ped._ Your Silence does inform me of my Shame, but I must have -some Information more; explain the whole. - -Don _John._ I shall. You remember, Don _Pedro_---- - -Don _Ped._ Be quick. - -Don _John._ You remember you charged me before you went---- - -Don _Ped._ I remember well; go on. - -Don _John._ With the Care of your Honour. - -Don _Ped._ I did; dispatch. - -Don _John._ Very well; you see Don _Guzman_ in this Apartment, you see -your Wife naked, and you see me, my Sword in my Hand;--that's all. - -Don _Ped._ [_Drawing upon Don ~Guz~._] 'Tis here, then, I am to revenge -my Wrongs. - -Don _Guz._ Hold. - -Don _Ped._ Villain, defend thyself. - -_Leo._ O Heaven! - -Don _Guz._ Yet hear me. - -Don _Ped._ What canst thou say? - -Don _Guz._ The Truth, as holy Heaven itself is Truth! I heard the -Shrieks and Cries of _Leonora_; what the Occasion was I knew not; -but she repeated them with so much Vehemence, I found, whatever her -Distress might be, her Succour must be sudden; so leapt the Wall that -parts our Houses, and flew to her Assistance. Don _John_ can, if he -please, inform you more. - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] Mankind's a Villain, and this may be true; yet -'tis too monstrous for a quick Conception. I shou'd be cautious how -I wrong Don _John_. Sure 'tis not right to balance. I yet have but -their Words against their Words; I know Don _John_ for my Friend, and -_Guzman_ for my Rival. What can be clearer? Yet hold! If _Leonora_'s -innocent, she may untangle all. Madam, I shou'd be glad to know (if I -have so much Interest left) which Way your Evidence will point my Sword. - -_Leo._ My Lord, I'm in the same Perplexity with you: All I can say -is this; one of them came to force me, t'other to save me: but the -Night confounding the Villainy of the Guilty with the Generosity of -the Innocent, I still am ignorant to which I owe my Gratitude, or my -Resentment. - -Don _Guz._ But, Madam, did you not hear me cry, I came to help you? - -_Leo._ I own it. - -Don _John._ And did you not hear me threaten to destroy the Author of -your Fears? - -_Leo._ I can't deny it. - -Don _Guz._ What can there be more to clear me? - -Don _John._ Or me? - -Don _Ped._ Yet one's a Villain still. - -[_Aside._] My Confusion but increases; yet why confus'd? It is, it must -be _Guzman_. But how came Don _John_ here? Right. _Guzman_ has said how -he came to her Aid, but _Alvarada_ cou'd not enter but by Treason. -Then perish---- - -Don _Guz._. Who? - -Don _John._ Who? - -Don _Ped._ Just Gods, instruct me who! - - _Don. ~Felix~ knocks._ - -Don _Fel._ [_Within._] Let me in, open the Door. - -_Leo._ 'Tis my Father. - -Don _Ped._ No Matter; keep the Door fast. [_Aside._] I'll have this -Matter go no further, till I can reach the Depth on't. Don _Guzman_, -leave the House; I must suspend my Vengeance for a Time. - -Don _Guz._ I obey you; but I'll lose my Life, or shew my Innocence. - - [_Exit Don ~Guz~._ - -Don _Fel._ [_Within._] Open the Door; why am I kept out? - -Don _Ped._ Don _John_, follow me by this back Way. And you, _Leonora_, -retire. - - [_Exit ~Leonora~._ - -Don _John._ [_Aside, following Don ~Ped~._] If Don _Guzman_'s Throat -were cut, would not this Bustle end?--Yes----Why then, if his Throat be -not cut, may this Bustle end me! - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ IV. - - -+SCENE+, _Don_ Guzman's _House_. - - _Enter Don ~Guzman~, and ~Galindo~._ - -Don _Guz._ _Galindo!_ - - [_Musing._ - -_Gal._ Sir. - -Don _Guz._ Try if you can see _Jacinta_, let her privately know I wou'd -fain speak with her. - -_Gal._ It shall be done, Sir. - - [_Exit. ~Gal~._ - - _Don ~Guzman~ solus._ - -Sure Villainy and Impudence were never on the Stretch before! This -Traitor has racked them till they crack. To what a Plunge the -Villain's _Tour_ has brought me. _Pedro_'s Resentment must at last be -pointed here: But that's a Trifle; had he not ruin'd me with _Leonora_, -I easily had pass'd him by the rest.----What's to be done? Which Way -shall I convince her of my Innocence? The Blood of him who has dar'd -declare me Guilty, may satisfy my Vengeance, but not aid my Love. No; -I'm lost with her for ever---- - - _Enter ~Jacinta~._ - -Speak: is't not so, _Jacinta_? Am I not ruin'd with the virtuous -_Leonora_? - -_Jacin._ One of you, I suppose, is. - -Don _Guz._ Which dost thou think? - -_Jacin._ Why he that came to spoil all; who shou'd it be? - -Don _Guz._ Pr'ythee be serious with me if thou can'st, for one small -Moment, and advise me which Way I shall take to convince her of my -Innocence, that it was I that came to do her Service. - -_Jacin._ Why, you both came to do her Service, did not you? - -Don _Guz._ Still trifling. - -_Jacin._ No, by my Troth, not I. - -Don _Guz._ Then turn thy Thoughts to ease me in my Torment, and be my -faithful Witness to her, that Heaven and Hell and all their Wrath I -imprecate, if ever once I knew one fleeting Thought that durst propose -to me so impious an Attempt. No, _Jacinta_, I love her well; but love -with that Humility, whatever Misery I feel, my Torture ne'er shall urge -me on to seize more than her Bounty gives me leave to take. - -_Jacin._ And the Murrain take such a Lover, and his Humility both, say -I. Why, sure, Sir, you are not in earnest in this Story; are you? - -Don _Guz._ Why dost thou question it? - -_Jacin._ Because I really and seriously thought you innocent. - -Don _Guz._ Innocent! What dost thou mean? - -_Jacin._ Mean! Why, what shou'd I mean? I mean that I concluded you -lov'd my Lady to that Degree, you cou'd not live without her: And that -the Thought of her being given up to another, made your Passion flame -out like Mount _Etna_: That upon this your Love got the Bridle in his -Teeth, and ran away with you into her Chamber, where that impertinent -Spy upon her and you, Don _John_, follow'd, and prevented farther -Proofs of your Affection. - -Don _Guz._ Why, sure---- - -_Jacin._ Why, sure, thus I thought it was, and thus she thinks it is. -If you have a Mind in the Depth of your Discretion, to convince her of -your Innocence--May your Innocence be your Reward! I'm sure were I in -her Place, you shou'd never have any other from me. - -Don _Guz._ Was there then no Merit in flying to her Assistance when I -heard her Cries? - -_Jacin._ As much as the Constable and the Watch might have pretended -to--something to drink. - -Don _Guz._ This is all Raillery; 'tis, impossible she can be pleas'd -with such an Attempt. - -_Jacin._ 'Tis impossible she can be pleas'd with being reduc'd to make -the Attempt upon you. - -Don _Guz._ But was this a proper Way to save her Blushes? - -_Jacin._ 'Twas in the dark; that's one Way. - -Don _Guz._ But it must look like downright Violation. - -_Jacin._ If it did not feel like it, what did that signify? Come, Sir, -Waggery apart: You know I'm your Servant; I have given you Proofs on't. -Therefore, don't distrust me now, if I tell you, this Quarrel may be -made up with the Wife, tho' perhaps not with the Husband. In short, she -thinks you were first in her Chamber, and has not the worse Opinion of -you for it; she makes Allowance for your Sufferings, and has still Love -enough for you, not to be displeas'd with the utmost Proofs you can -give, that you have still a warm Remain for her. - -Don _Guz._ If this be true, and that she thought 'twas me, why did me -cry out to expose me? - -_Jacin._ Because at this Time she did not think 'twas you. Will that -content you? And now she does think 'twas you, your Business is to -let her think so on; for, in a Word, I can see she's concern'd at the -Danger she has brought you into, and, I believe, wou'd be heartily glad -to see you well out on't. - -Don _Guz._----'Tis impossible she can forgive me. - -_Jacin._ Oons--Now Heaven forgive me, for I had a great Oath upon the -very Tip of my Tongue; you'd make one mad with your Impossibles, and -your Innocence, and your Humilities. 'Sdeath, Sir, do you think a Woman -makes no Distinction between the Assaults of a Man she likes and one -she don't? My Lady hates Don _John_, and if she thought 'twas he had -done this Job, she'd hang him for't in her own Garters; she likes you, -and if you shou'd do such another, you might still die in your Bed like -a Bishop, for her. - -Don _Guz._ Well, I'll dispute no farther. I put myself into thy Hands. -What am I to do next? - -_Jacin._ Why, do as she bids you; be in the Way at the old Rendezvous, -she'll take the first Occasion she can to speak to you; and when you -meet, do as I bid you, and instead of your Innocent and Humble, be -Guilty and Resolute. Your Mistress is now marry'd, Sir; consider that. -She has chang'd her Situation, and so must you your Battery. Attack a -Maid gently, a Wife warmly, and be as rugged with a Widow as you can. -Good bye t'ye, Sir. - - [_Exeunt several Ways._ - - -+SCENE+, _Don_ Felix's _House_. - - _Enter Don ~Pedro~ solus._ - -In what Distraction have I past this Night! Sure I shall never close my -Eyes again! No Rack can equal what I feel. Wounded in both my Honour -and my Love; they have pierc'd me in two tender Parts. Yet cou'd I take -my just Revenge, it wou'd in some Degree assuage my Smart. O! guide me -Heaven to that Cordial drop.----Hold! A Glance of Light I think begins -to----Yes----Right. When Yesterday I brought Don _John_ hither, was not -Don _Felix_ much disturb'd?----He was; and why?----That may be worth -enquiring. But something more occurs. At my Arrival in this City, was -I not told that two Cavaliers were warm in the Pursuit of _Leonora_? -One I remember well, they nam'd, 'twas _Guzman_: The other, I am yet a -Stranger to. I fear I shall not be so long----'Tis _Alvarada_! O the -Traitor! yet I may wrong him much. I have _Guzman_'s own Confession -that he past the Wall to come to _Leonora_----O! but 'twas to her -Assistance----And so it might, and he a Villain still.--There are -Assistances of various Sorts----What were her Wants?--That's dark--But -whatsoe'er they were, he came to her Assistance. Death be his Portion, -for his ready Service. - - _Enter Don ~Felix~._ - -Don _Fel._ You avoid me, Don _Pedro_; 'tis not well. Am I not your -Father, have you not Reason to believe I am your Friend? - -Don _Ped._ I have. - -Don _Fel._ Why do you not then treat me like a Father and a Friend? The -Mystery you make to me of last Night's Disturbance, I take unkindly -from you.--Come, tell me your Grief, that if I can I may assuage it. - -Don _Ped._ Nothing but Vengeance can give me ease. - -Don _Fel._ If I desire to know your Wrongs, 'tis to assist you in -revenging 'em. - -Don _Ped._ Know then, that last Night in this Apartment I found Don -_Guzman_ and Don _John_. - -Don _Fel._ _Guzman_ and _Alvarada_? - -Don _Ped._ Yes; and _Leonora_ almost naked between them, crying out for -Aid. - -Don _Fel._ Were they both guilty? - -Don _Ped._ One was come to force her, t'other to rescue her. - -Don _Fel._ Which was the Criminal? - -Don _Ped._ Of that I am yet ignorant. They accuse each other. - -Don _Fel._ Can't your Wife determine it? - -Don _Ped._ The Darkness of the Night put it out of her Power. - -Don _Fel._ But I perhaps may bring some Light to aid you. I have Part -in the Affront: And tho' my Arm's too old and weak to serve you, my -Counsel may be useful to your Vengeance. Know then, that Don _Guzman_ -has a long Time pursu'd my Daughter; and I as resolutely refus'd his -Suit; which, however, has not hindered him from searching all Occasions -to see and speak to her. Don _John_, on his Side---- - -Don _Ped._ Don _John_'s my Friend, and I am confident---- - -Don _Fel._ That Confidence destroys you. Hear my Charge, and be -yourself his Judge. He too has been a pressing Suitor to my Daughter. - -Don _Ped._ Impossible! - -Don _Fel._ To me myself, he has own'd his Love to her. - -Don _Ped._. Good Gods! Yet still this leaves the Mystery where it was; -this Charge is equal. - -Don _Fel._ 'Tis true; but yonder's one (if you can make her speak) I -have Reason, to believe can tell us more.----Ho, _Jacinta_! - - _Enter ~Jacinta~._ - -_Jacin._ Do you call me, Sir? - -Don _Fel._ Yes; Don _Pedro_ wou'd speak with you. [_To Don ~Pedro~ -aside._] I'll leave you with her; press her; press her both by Threats -and Promises, and if you find your Wife in Fault, old as I am, her -Father too, I'll raise my Arm to plunge this Dagger in her Breast, and -by that Firmness convince the world, my Honour's dearer to me than my -Child. - - [_Exit Don ~Fel~._ - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] Heaven grant me Power to stifle my Rage, till -'tis Time to let my Vengeance fly. _Jacinta_, come near: I have some -Business with you. - -_Jacin._ [_Aside._] His Business with me at this Time can be good for -nothing, I doubt. - -_Jacin._ [_To Don ~Ped~._] What Commands have you, Sir, for me? I'm not -very well. - -Don _Ped._ What's your Disorder? - -_Jacin._ A little Sort of a something towards an Ague, I think. - -Don _Ped._ You don't seem so ill, but you may tell me-- - -_Jacin._ O, I can tell you nothing, Sir, I assure you. - -Don _Ped._ You answer me before yon hear my Question. That looks as if -you knew---- - -_Jacin._ I know that what you are going to ask me, is a Secret I'm out -at. - -Don _Ped._ [_Offering her a Purse._] Then this shall let thee into it. - -_Jacin._ I know nothing of the Matter. - -Don _Ped._ Come, tell me all, and take thy Reward. - -_Jacin._ I know nothing of the Matter, I say. - -Don _Ped._ [_Drawing his Sword._] Speak; or by all the Flame and Fire -of Hell Eternal-- - -_Jacin._ O Lard, O Lard, O Lard! - -Don _Ped._ Speak, or th'art dead. - -_Jacin._ But if I do speak, shan't I be dead for all that? - -Don _Ped._ Speak, and thou art safe. - -_Jacin._ Well--O Lard--I'm so frighted--But if I must speak then--O -dear Heart--give me the Purse. - -Don _Ped._ There. - -_Jacin._ Why truly, between a Purse in one's Hand--and--a Sword in -one's Guts, I think there's little room left for Debate. - -Don _Ped._ Come begin, I'm impatient. - -_Jacin._ Begin! let me see, where shall I begin? At Don _Guzman_, I -think. - -Don _Ped._ What of him? - -_Jacin._ Why he has been in love with my Lady these six Years. - -Don _Ped._ I know it; but how has she received him? - -_Jacin._ Receive him! Why--as young Maids use to receive handsome -Fellows; at first ill, afterwards better. - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] Furies! Did they ever meet? - -_Jacin._ A little. - -Don _Ped._ By Day or Night? - -_Jacin._ Both. - -Don _Ped._ Distraction! Where was their Rendezvous? - -_Jacin._ Where they cou'd not do one another much good. - -Don _Ped._ As how? - -_Jacin._ As through a Hole in a Wall. - -Don _Ped._ The Strumpet banters me: Be serious, Insolence, or I shall -spoil your Gaiety; I'm not dispos'd to Mirth. - -_Jacin._ Why I am serious, if you like my Story the better for't. - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] How miserable a Wretch am I! - -_Jacin._ I tell you there's a Wall parts their two Houses, and in that -Wall there's a Hole. How the Wall came by the Hole, I can't tell; -mayhap by chance, mayhap by no chance; but there 'tis, and there they -use to prattle. - -Don _Ped._ And this is Truth? - -_Jacin._ I can't bate you a Word on't, Sir. - -Don _Ped._ When did they meet there last? - -_Jacin._ Yesterday; I suppose 'twas only to bid one another adieu. - -Don _Ped._ Ah, _Jacinta_, thou hast pierced my Soul! - -_Jacin._ [_Aside._] And yet I han't told you half I cou'd tell you, my -Don. - -Don _Ped._ Where is this Place you speak of? - -_Jacin._ There 'tis, if you are curious. - -Don _Ped._ When they wou'd speak with one another; what's the Call? - -_Jacin._ Tinkle, Tinkle. - -Don _Ped._ A Bell? - -_Jacin._ It is. - -Don _Ped._ Ring. - -_Jacin._ What do you mean, Sir? - -Don _Ped._ [_Hastily._] Ring. - -_Jacin._ 'Tis done. - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] I'll make use of her to examine him. Does he come? - -_Jacin._ Not yet. - -Don _Ped._ Pull again. - -_Jacin._ You must give him Time, Sir: My Lady always does so. - -Don _Ped._ I hear something. - -_Jacin._ 'Tis he. - -Don _Guz._ [_Within._] Who's there? - -Don _Ped._.. [_Softly._] Say you are _Leonora_. - - [_Dumb Shew of her Unwillingness and his Threatning._ - -_Jacin._ [_Softly._] 'Tis _Leonora_. - -Don _Guz._ What are your Commands, Madam? Is it possible so unfortunate -a Wretch as I can be capable of serving you? - - [_~Don~ Ped. whispers ~Jacinta~, who seems backwards to - speak._ - -_Jacin._ I come to ask you, how cou'd you so far forget that infinite -Regard you have professed, as to make an Attempt so dangerous both to -yourself and me; and which, with all the Esteem and Love I have ever -borne you, you scarce cou'd hope I ever shou'd forgive you. - -Don _Guz._ Alas! my Hopes and Fears were vanish'd too. My Counsel was -my Love and my Despair. If they advis'd me wrong, of them complain, for -it was you who made 'em my Directors. - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] The Villain owns the Fact. It seems he thinks he -has not so much to fear from her Resentment.----O Torture! - - _Enter ~Leonora~._ - -_Jacin._ [_Aside._] So, she's here; that's as I expected: now we are -blown up. - -_Leo._ [_Aside, not seeing them._] If I don't mistake, I heard Don -_Guzman_'s Call. I can't refuse to answer it. Forgive me, Gods, and let -my Woman's Weakness plead my Cause.--How! my Husband here! Nay then---- - -Don _Ped._ You seem disorder'd, Madam; pray, what may be the Cause? - -_Leo._ [_Confus'd._] I don't know, really; I'm not----I don't know -that---- - -Don _Ped._ You did not know that I was here, I guess? - -_Leo._ Yes, I did, and----came to speak with you. - -Don _Ped._ I'm not at present in a talking Humour, but if your Tongue -is set to Conversation, there's one behind the Wall will entertain you. - -Don _Guz._ But is it possible, fair _Leonora_, that you can pardon my -Attempt? - -Don _Ped._ [_To Leo._] You hear him, Madam; he dares own it to you. - -_Leo._ [_Aside._] _Jacinta_ winks; I guess what Scene they have been -acting here. My Part is now to play. - -[_To Don ~Ped~._] I see, Sir, he dares own it: Nor is he the first -lover has pressum'd beyond the Countenance he ever has receiv'd. Pray -draw near, and hear what he has more to say: It is my Interest you -shou'd know the Depth of all has ever passed between us. - -_Leo._ [_To Don ~Guz~._] I fain wou'd know, Don _Guzman_, whether in -the whole Conduct of my Life, you have known one step, that cou'd -encourage you to hope I ever cou'd be yours, but on the Terms of Honour -which you sought me? - -Don _Guz._ Not one. - -_Leo._ Why then should you believe I cou'd forgive the taking that by -Force, which you already were convinc'd I valu'd more the keeping, than -my Life? - -Don _Guz._ Had my Love been as temperate as yours, I with your Reason -had perhaps debated. But not in Reason, but in Flames, I flew to -_Leonora_. - -_Leo._ If strong Temptation be allow'd a Plea, Vice, in the worst -of Shapes, has much to urge:--No, cou'd any Thing have shaken me in -Virtue, it must have been the Strength of it in you. Had you shone -bright enough to dazzle me, I blindly might have missed the Path -I meant to tread: But now you have clear'd my Sight for ever. If, -therefore, from this Moment more you dare to let me know one Thought of -Love, though in the humblest Stile, expect to be a Sacrifice to him you -attempt to wrong.----Farewel! - - [_She retires from him._ - -Don _Guz._ O stay and hear me!--I have wrong'd myself; I'm -innocent!----By all that's sacred, just and good, I'm innocent! - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] What does he mean? - -Don _Guz._ I have own'd a Fact I am not guilty of! _Jacinta_ can inform -you; she knows I never---- - -_Jacin._ I know! The Man's mad: Pray, begone, Sir, my Lady will hear no -more; I'll shut him out, Madam, shan't I? - - [_She shuts the Hole._ - -_Leo._ I have no farther Business with him. - - _Enter ~Isabella~ hastily._ - -_Isab._ O Heavens, _Leonora_, where are you? Don _Pedro_, you can -assist me better. - -_Leo._ What's the Matter? - -Don _Ped._ What is it, Madam, I can serve you in? - -_Isab._ In what the Peace of my whole Life consists; the Safety of my -Brother! Don _John_'s Servant has this Moment left me a Letter for him, -which I have open'd, knowing there is an Animosity of some Time between -'em. - -Don _Ped._ Well, Madam! - -_Isab._ O dear, it is a Challenge, and what to do I know not; if I -shew it my Brother, he'll immediately fly to the Place appointed; and -if I don't, he'll be accus'd of Cowardice. One way I risque his Life, -t'other I ruin his Honour. - -Don _Ped._ What wou'd you have me do, Madam? - -_Isab._ I'll tell you, Sir: I only beg you'll go to the Place where -Don _John_ expects him; tell him I have intercepted his Letter, and -make him promise you he'll send no more: By this generous Charity you -may hinder two Men (whose, Piques are on a frivolous Occasion) from -murdering one another! And by this good Office, you'll repay the small -Debt you owe my Brother, for flying last Night to _Leonora_'s Succour; -and doubly pay the Obligation you have to me, upon the same Occasion. - -Don _Ped._ What Obligation, Madam? I am ignorant; pray inform me. - -_Isab._ 'Twas I, Sir, that first heard _Leonora_'s Cries, and rais'd my -Brother to her Aid. Pray let me receive the same Assistance from your -Prudence, which you have had from my Care, and my Brother's Generosity. -But, pray lose no Time. Don _John_ is perhaps already on the Spot, and -not meeting my Brother, may send a second Message, which may be fatal. - -Don _Ped._ Madam, be at rest; you shall be satisfy'd, I'll go this -Moment. I'll only ask you first whether you are sure you heard my Wife -call out for Succour, before your Brother past the Wall? - -_Isab._ I did; why do you ask that Question? - -Don _Ped._ I have a Reason, you may be sure. [_Aside._] Just Heaven, -I adore thee! The Truth at last shines clear, and by that Villain -_Alvarada_ I'm betray'd. But enough; I'll make Use of this Occasion for -my Vengeance. [_To ~Isab~._] Where, Madam, is it, Don _John_ is waiting? - -_Isab._ But here, in a small Field, behind the Garden. - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] His Blood shall do me Reason for his Treachery. - -_Isab._ Will you go there directly? - -Don _Ped._ I will. Be satisfy'd. - - [_Ex. ~Don Ped~._ - -_Leo._ You weep, _Isabella_? - -_Isab._ You see my Trouble for a Brother for whom I wou'd die, and a -Lover for whom I wou'd live. They both are Authors of my Grief. - -_Leo._ They both are Instruments of my Misfortune. - - [_Exeunt._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ V. - - - _Enter ~Lopez~._ - -Oho! my good Signior Don _John_, you are mistaken in your Man; I am -your humble Valet, 'tis true, and I am to obey you; but when you have -got the Devil in your Body, and are upon your Rantipole Adventures, you -shall _Quixote_ it by yourself, for _Lopez_. Yonder he is, waiting for -poor _Guzman_, with a Sword of a Fathom and a Half; a Dagger for close -engagement; and (if I don't mistake) a Pocket-pistol for extraordinary -Occasions. I think I am not in the wrong to keep a little out of the -Way: These Matters will end in a Court of Justice, or I'm wrong in my -Foresight: Now that being a Place where I am pretty well known, and not -over-much reputed, I believe 'tis best, neither to come in for Prisoner -nor Evidence. But hold; yonder comes another _Toledo_! Don _Guzman_ I -presume, but I presume wrong, it is--who is it? Don _Pedro_, by all the -Powers! What the Pox does he here, or what the Pox do I here? I'm sure -as Matters stand, I ought to fly him like a Creditor; but he sees me, -'tis too late to slip him. - - _Enter Don ~Pedro~._ - -Don _Ped._ How now, _Lopez_; where are you going? - -_Lop._ I'm going, Sir, I----I'm going--if you please----I'm going about -my Business. - -Don _Ped._ From whence do you come? - -_Lop._ Only, only, Sir, from--taking the Air a little, I'm mightily -muddled with a Whur----round about in my Head, for this Day or two; I'm -going home to be let Blood, as fast as I can, Sir. - -Don _Ped._ Hold, Sir; I'll let you Blood here. - -This Rascal may have borne some Part in this late Adventure: He's a -Coward; I'll try to frighten it out of him. - - [_Seizing him by the Collar, and drawing his Poniard._ - -You Traitor, you, y' are dead. - -_Lop._ Mercy, Don _Pedro_! - -Don _Ped._ Are you not a Villain? - - [_~Lop.~ kneeling._ - -_Lop._ Yes; if you please. - -Don _Ped._ Is there so great a one upon Earth? - -_Lop._ With respect to my Master----No. - -Don _Ped._ Prepare then to die! - -_Lop._ Give me but Time, and I will. But, noble Don _Pedro_, just Don -_Pedro_, generous Don _Pedro_, what is it I have done? - -Don _Ped._ What, if thou dar'st deny, I'll plunge this Dagger deep into -thy Throat, and drive the Falsehood to thy Heart again. Therefore, take -heed, and on thy Life declare, didst thou not this last night open my -Doors to let Don _Guzman_ in? - -_Lop._ Don _Guzman_! - -Don _Ped._ Don _Guzman_! Yes, Don _Guzman_, Traitor; him. - -_Lop._ Now may the Sky crush me, if I let in Don _Guzman_. - -Don _Ped._ Who did let you in then? It was not your Master, sure! If it -was him, you did your Duty; I have no more to say. - -_Lop._ Why then, if I let in any Body else, I'm a Son of a Whore. - - [_Rising._ - -Don _Ped._ Did he order you beforehand, or did you do it upon his -knocking? - -_Lop._ Why he--I'll tell you, Sir, he----pray put up that Brilliant, it -sparkles so in my Eyes, it almost blinds me--thank you, Sir. - - [_Don ~Ped.~ puts it up._ - -Why, Sir, I'll tell you just how the Matter was, but I hope you won't -consider me as a Party. - -Don _Ped._ Go on; thou art safe. - -_Lop._ Why then, Sir, when (for our Sins) you had left us, says my -Master to me, _Lopez_, says he, go and stay at old Don _Felix_'s House, -till Don _Pedro_ returns; they'll pass thee for his Servant, and think -he has order'd thee to stay there. And then, says he, dost hear, open -me the Door by _Leonora_'s Apartment to-night, for I have a little -Business, says he, to do there. - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] Perfidious Wretch! - -_Lop._ Indeed, I was at first a little resty, and stood off; being -suspicious (for I knew the Man) that there might be some ill -Intentions. But he knew me too, takes me upon the weak Side, whips out -a long Sword, and by the same Means makes me do the Thing, as you have -made me discover it.--[_Aside._] There's neither Liberty nor Property -in this Land, since the Blood of the _Bourbons_ came amongst us. - -Don _Ped._ Then you let him in, as he bid you? - -_Lop._ I did: If I had not, I had never lived to tell you the Story. -Yes, I let him in. - -Don _Ped._ And what follow'd? - -_Lop._ Why, he follow'd. - -Don _Ped._ What? - -_Lop._ His Inclinations. - -Don _Ped._ Which Way? - -_Lop._ The old Way:--To a Woman. - -Don _Ped._. Confound him! - -_Lop._ In short, he got to Madam's Chamber, and before he had been -there long, (tho' you know, Sir, a little Time goes a great Way in some -Matters) I heard such a clutter of small Shot, Murder, Murder, Murder, -Rape, Fire, Help, and so forth--But hold, here he comes himself, and -can give you a more circumstantial Account of the Skirmish. - -_Don Ped._ I thank thee, Heaven, at last, for having pointed me to the -Victim I am to sacrifice. - - [_Ex. ~Lop.~_ - - _Enter Don ~John~._ - -[_Drawing._] Villain, defend thyself. - -Don _John._ What do you mean? - -Don _Ped._ To punish a Traitor. - -Don _John._ Where is he? - -Don _Ped._ In the Heart of a sworn Friend. - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] I saw _Lopez_, go from him, without doubt he has -told him all. - - [_To Don ~Ped~._ - -Of what am I suspected? - -Don _Ped._ Of betraying the greatest Trust that Man cou'd place in Man. - -Don _John._ And by whom am I accus'd? - -Don _Ped._ By me: Have at thy Traitor's Heart! - -Don _John._ Hold! And be not quite a Madman.--_Pedro_, you know me -well: You know I am not backward upon these Occasions, nor shall I -refuse you any Satisfaction you'll demand; but first, I will be heard, -and tell you, That for a Man of Sense, you are pleas'd to make very odd -Conclusions. - -Don _Ped._ Why, what is it possible thou canst invent to clear thyself? - -Don _John._ To clear myself! Of what? I'm to be thank'd for what I -have done, and not reproach'd. I find I have been an Ass, and push'd -my Friendship to that Point, you find not Virtue in yourself enough to -conceive it in another. But henceforward, I shall be a better Husband -of it. - -_Don Ped._ I shou'd be loth to find Ingratitude cou'd e'er be justly -charg'd upon me: But after what your Servant has confess'd---- - -Don _John._ My Servant! Right, my Servant! The very Thing I guess'd. -Fye, fye, Don _Pedro_; is it from a Servant's Mouth a Friend condemns -a Friend? Or can Servants always judge at what their Master's outward -Actions point? But some Allowances I shou'd make for the wild -Agitation you must needs be in. I'm therefore calm, and thus far pass -all by. - -Don _Ped._ If you are innocent, Heaven be my Aid, that I may find you -so. But still---- - -Don _John._ But still you wrong me, if you still suspect. Hear then, -in short, my part of this Adventure. In order to acquit myself of the -Charge you laid upon me in your Absence, I went last night, just as -'twas dark, to view the several Approaches of the House where you had -left your Wife; and I observ'd not far from one of the back Doors, two -Persons in close eager Conference: I was disguis'd, so ventur'd to -pass near 'em, and by a Word or two I heard, I found 'twas _Guzman_ -talking to _Jacinta_. My Concern for your Honour, made me at first -resolve to call him to an immediate Account. But then reflecting that -I might possibly over-hear some Part of their Discourse, and by that -judge of _Leonora_'s Thoughts, I rein'd my Passion in; and by the help -of an advancing Buttress, which kept me from their Sight, I learnt the -black Conspiracy. Don _Guzman_ said, he had great Complaint to make; -and since his honourable Love had been so ill return'd, he could with -ease forgive himself, if by some rougher Means he should procure, what -Prayers and Tears and Sighs had urg'd in vain. - -Don _Ped._ Go on. - -Don _John._ His kind Assistant clos'd smoothly with him, and inform'd -him with what ease that very Night she'd introduce him to her Chamber. -At last, they parted, with this Agreement, that at some Overture in a -Wall, he should expect her to inform him when _Leonora_ was in Bed, and -all the Coast was clear. - -Don _Ped._ Dispatch the rest--Is't possible after all he should be -innocent! - -Don _John._ I must confess the Resolution taken, made me tremble -for you: How to prevent it now and for ever, was my next Care. I -immediately order'd _Lopez_ to go lie at Don _Felix_'s, and to open me -the Door when all the Family were in Bed. He did as I directed him. -I enter'd, and in the dark found my way to _Leonora_'s Apartment. I -found the Door open, at which I was surpriz'd. I thought I heard some -stirring in her Chamber, and in an Instant heard her cry for Aid. At -this I drew, and rush'd into the Room, which _Guzman_, alarm'd at, -cry'd out to her Assistance. His ready Impudence, I must confess, at -first quite struck me speechless; but in a Moment I regain'd my Tongue, -and loud proclaim'd the Traitor. - -Don _Ped._ Is't possible? - -Don _John._ Yet more: your Arrival hindring me at that Time from taking -Vengeance for your Wrong, I at this Instant expect him here, to punish -him (with Heaven's righteous Aid) for daring to attempt my Ruin with -the Man, whose Friendship I prefer to all the Blessings Heaven and -Earth dispense. And now, Don _Pedro_, I have told you this, if still -you have a Mind to take my Life, I shall defend it with the self-same -Warmth I intended to expose it in your Service. - - [_Draws._ - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] If I did not know he was in love with _Leonora_, -I could be easily surpriz'd with what he has told me. But--But yet 'tis -certain he has destroyed the Proofs against him; and if I only hold him -guilty as a Lover; why must Don _Guzman_ pass for innocent? Good Gods, -I am again returning to my Doubts! - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] I have at last reduc'd him to a Balance, but one -Lye more tost in, will turn the Scale. - -_To Don ~Ped.~_] One Obligation more, my Friend, you owe me; I thought -to have let it pass, but it shall out. Know then, I lov'd, like you, -the beauteous _Leonora_; but from the Moment I observ'd how deep her -Dart had pierc'd you, tore my Passion from my bleeding Heart, and -sacrific'd my Happiness to yours. Now, I have no more to plead; if -still you think your Vengeance is my due, come pay it me. - -Don _Ped._ Rather ten thousand Poignards strike me dead! O _Alvarada_! -can you forgive a wild distracted Friend? Gods! Whither was my jealous -Frenzy leading me? Can you forget this barbarous Injury? - -Don _John._ I can: No more. But for the future, think me what I am, a -faithful and a zealous Friend.--Retire, and leave me here. In a few -Moments I hope to bring you further Proofs on't. _Guzman_ I instantly -expect, leave me to do you Justice on him. - -Don _Ped._ That must not be. My Revenge can ne'er be satisfy'd by any -other Hand but this. - -Don _John._ Then let That do't. You'll in a Moment have an Opportunity. - -Don _Ped._ You mistake; he won't be here. - -Don _John._ How so? - -Don _Ped._ He has not had your Challenge. His Sister intercepted it, -and desired I wou'd come to prevent the Quarrel. - -Don _John._ What then is to be done? - -Don _Ped._ I'll go and find him out immediately. - -Don _John._ Very well: Or hold----[_Aside._] I must hinder 'em from -talking. Gossiping may discover me. Yes: let's go and find him: Or, let -me see----Aye,----'twill do better. - -Don _Ped._ What? - -Don _John._ Why----That the Punishment should suit the Crime. - -Don _Ped._ Explain. - -Don _John._ Attack him by his own Laws of War--'Twas in the Night he -would have had your Honour, and in the Night you ought to have his Life. - -Don _Ped._ His Treason cannot take the Guilt from mine. - -Don _John._ There is no Guilt in fair Retaliation. When 'tis a Point -of Honour sounds the Quarrel, the Laws of Sword-Men must be kept, 'tis -true: But if a Thief glides in to seize my Treasure, methinks I may -return the Favour on my Dagger's Point, as well as with my Sword of -Ceremony six Times as long. - -Don _Ped._ Yet still the nobler Method I wou'd choose; it better -satisfies the Vengeance of a Man of Honour. - -Don _John._ I own it, were you sure you shou'd succeed: But the Events -of Combats are uncertain. Your Enemy may 'scape you: You perhaps may -only wound him; you may be parted. Believe me, _Pedro_, the Injury's -too great for a Punctilio Satisfaction. - -Don _Ped._ Well, guide me as you please, so you direct me quickly to my -Vengeance. What do you propose? - -Don _John._ That which is as easy, as 'tis just to execute. The Wall he -passed, to attempt your Wife, let us get over to prevent his doing so -any more. 'Twill let us into a private Apartment by his Garden, where -every Evening in his amorous Solitudes he spends some Time alone, and -where I guess his late fair Scheme was drawn. The Deed done, we can -retreat the Way we enter'd; let me be your Pilot, 'tis now e'en dark, -and the most proper Time. - -Don _Ped._ Lead on; I'll follow you. - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] How many Villanies I'm forc'd to act, to keep -one secret! - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _Don. ~Guzman~'s Apartments._ - - _Don ~Guzman~, sitting solus._ - -With what Rigour does this unfaithful Woman treat me! Is't possible it -can be me, who appeared to love me with so much Tenderness? How little -stress is to be laid upon a Woman's Heart! Sure they're not worth -those anxious Cares they give. [_Rising._] Then burst my Chains, and -give me Room to search for nobler Pleasures. I feel my Heart begin to -mutiny for Liberty; there is a Spirit in it yet, will struggle hard for -Freedom: but Solitude's the worst of Seconds. Ho! _Sancho_, _Galindo_, -who waits there? Bring some Lights.--Where are you? - - _Enter ~Galindo~, rubbing his Eyes, and drunk._ - -_Galin._ I can't well tell. Do you want me, Sir? - -Don _Guz._ Yes, Sir, I want you. Why am I left in the dark? What were -you doing? - -_Gal._ Doing, Sir! I was doing----what one does when one sleeps, Sir. - -Don _Guz._ Have you no Light without? - -_Galin._ [_Yawning._] Light!----No, Sir,----I have no Light. I'm us'd -to Hardship, I can sleep in the dark. - -Don _Guz._ You have been drinking, you Rascal, you are drunk. - -_Gal._ I have been drinking, Sir, 'tis true, but I am not drunk. Every -Man that is drunk, has been drinking, confess'd. But every Man that has -been drinking, is not drunk.----Confess that too. - -Don _Guz._ Who is't has put you in this Condition, you Sot? - -_Galin._ A very honest Fellow: Madam _Leonora_'s Coachman, nobody else. -I have been making a little debauch with Madam _Leonora_'s Coachman; -yes. - -Don _Guz._ How came you to drink with him, Beast? - -_Gal._ Only _per_ Complaisance, Sir. The Coachman was to be drunk upon -Madam's Wedding; and I being a Friend, was desired to take Part. - -Don _Guz._ And so, you Villain, you can make yourself merry, with what -renders me miserable. - -_Galin._ No, Sir, no; 'twas the Coachman was merry; I drank with Tears -in my Eyes. The remembrance of your Misfortunes made me so sad, so sad, -that every Cup I swallow'd was like a Cup of Poison to me. - -Don _Guz._ Without doubt. - -_Galin._ Yes; and to mortify myself upon melancholy Matters, I believe -I took down fifty; yes. - -Don _Guz._ Go fetch some Lights, you drunken Sot, you. - -_Galin._ I will, if I can find the [_Feeling for the Door and running -against it._] Door, that's so say----The Devil's in the Door; I think -'tis grown too little for me----Shrunk this wet Weather, I presume. - - [_Ex. ~Galin~._ - - _Don ~Guzman~ alone._ - -Absence, the old Remedy for Love, must e'en be mine: to stay and brave -the Danger, were Presumption: Farewel _Valencia_, then, and farewel, -_Leonora_. And if thou can'st, my Heart, redeem thy Liberty, secure it -by a Farewel eternal to her Sex. - - _Re-enter ~Galindo~ with a Candle, he falls, and puts - it out._ - -_Galin._ Here's light, Sir----So,---- - -Don _Guz._ Well done. You sottish [_Passing angrily into another -Chamber._] Rascal, come no more in my Sight. - - [_Ex. Don ~Guz~._ - -_Galin._ These Boards are so uneven----You shall see now I shall -neither find [_Rising and feeling about for the Candle._] the -Candle----nor the Candlestick; It shan't be for want of searching, -however. - -----O ho, have I got you? Enough, I'll look for your Companion -to-morrow. - - _Enter Don ~Pedro~ and Don ~John~._ - -Don _Ped._ Where are we now? - -Don _John._ We are in the Apartment I told you of----Softly----I hear -something stir----Ten to one but 'tis he. - -_Galin._ Don't I hear, somewhat?----No----when one has Wine in one's -Head, one has such a bustle in one's Ears. - -Don _Pedro._ [_To Don ~John~._] Who is that is talking to himself? - -Don _John._ 'Tis his Servant, I know his Voice, keep still. - -_Galin._ Well; since my Master has banished me his Sight, I'll redeem -by my Obedience, what I have lost by my Debauch. I'll go sleep twelve -Hours in some melancholy Hole where the Devil Shan't find me; yes. - - [_Exit ~Galindo~._ - -Don _John._ He's gone; but hush, I hear somebody coming. - -Don _Guz._ Ho there! will nobody bring Light? - - [_Behind the Scene._ - -Don _Ped._ 'Tis _Guzman_. - -Don _John._ 'Tis so, prepare. - -Don _Ped._ Shall I own my Weakness? I feel an inward Check; I wish this -could be done some other way. - -Don _John._ Distraction all! Is this a Time to balance? Think on the -Injury he would have done you, 'twill fortify your Arm, and guide your -Dagger to his Heart. - -Don _Ped._ Enough, I'll hesitate no more; be satisfy'd; hark! he's -coming. - - _Don ~Guzman~ passes the Stage._ - -Don _Guz._ I think these Rogues are resolved to leave me in the dark -all Night. - - [_Exit Don ~Guz~._ - -Don _John._ Now's your Time, follow him and strike home. - -Don _Ped._ To his Heart, if my Dagger will reach it. - - [_Don ~Pedro~ follows him._ - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] If one be kill'd, I'm satisfy'd; 'tis no great -Matter which. - - _Re-enter Don ~Guzman~, Don ~Pedro~ following him, - with his Dagger ready to strike._ - -Don _Guz._ [_Aside._] My Chamber Door's lock'd, and I think I hear -somebody tread----Who's there?----Nobody answers. But still I hear -something stir. Hola there! _Sancho_, are you all drunk? Some Lights -here, quickly. - - [_Exit._ - - _Don ~Guzman~ passes by the Corner where ~Don John~ stands, - and goes of the Stage; Dan ~Pedro~ following him, stabs - Don ~John~._ - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] I think I'm near him now:----Traitor, take that, -my Wife has sent it thee. - -Don _John._ Ah, I'm dead! - -Don _Ped._ Then thou hast thy Due. - -Don _John._ I have, indeed; 'tis I that have betray'd thee. - -Don _Ped._ And 'tis I that am reveng'd on thee for doing it. - -Don _John._ I wou'd have forc'd thy Wife. - -Don _Ped._ Die then with the Regret to have fail'd in thy Attempt. - -Don _John._ Farewel, if thou can'st forgive me-- - - [_Dies._ - -Don _Ped._ I have done the Deed, there's nothing left but to make our -Escape. Don _John_, where are you? Let's begone, I hear the Servants -coming. - - _~Lopez~ knocks hard at the Door._ - -_Lop._ Open there quickly, open the Door. - -Don _Ped._ That's _Lopez_, we shall be discover'd. But 'tis no great -Matter, the Crime will justify the Execution; but where's Don _John_? -Don _John_, where are you? - - _~Lopez~ knocks again._ - -_Lop._ Open the Door there, quickly. Madam, I saw 'em both pass the -Wall; the Devil's in't if any good comes on't. - -_Leo._ I am frightened out of my Senses: ho, _Isabella_! - -Don _Ped._ 'Tis _Leonora_. She's welcome. With her own Eyes let her see -her _Guzman_ dead. - - _Enter Don ~Guzman~, ~Leonora~, ~Isabella~, ~Jacinta~ and - ~Lopez~, with Lights._ - -Don _Ped._ Ha! what is't I see? _Guzman_ alive? Then who art thou? - - [_Looking on Don ~John~._ - -Don _Guz._ _Guzman_ alive! Yes, _Pedro_, _Guzman_ is alive. - -Don _Ped._ Then Heaven is just, and there's a Traitor dead. - -_Isabella weeps._] Alas, Don _John_! - -_Lop._ [_Looking upon Don ~John~._] _Bonus Nocius._ - -Don _Guz._ What has produced this bloody Scene? - -Don _Ped._ 'Tis I have been the Actor in't;----my Poignard, _Guzman_, -I intended in your Heart.----I thought your Crime deserv'd it: but I -did you wrong, and my Hand in searching the Innocent, has by Heaven's -justice been directed to the Guilty. Don _John_, with his last Breath, -confess'd himself the Offender.--Thus my Revenge is satisfied, and you -are clear'd. - -Don _Guz._ Good Heaven, how equitable are thy Judgments! - -Don _Ped._ [_To ~Leo~._] Come, Madam, my Honour now is satisfied, and -if you please my Love may be so too. - -_Leo._ If it is not, - - _You to yourself alone shall owe your Smart, - For where I've given my Hand, I'll give my Heart._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -EPILOGUE, - - - Spoken by Mrs. _Oldfield_. - - _What say you, Sirs, d'ye think my Lady'll 'scape? - 'Tis dev'lish hard to stand a Fav'rite's Rape. - Shou'd ~Guzman~, like Don ~John~, break in upon her, - For all her Virtue, Heaven have Mercy on her: - Her Strength, I doubt, 's in his Irresolution, - There's wond'rous Charms in vig'rous Execution. - Indeed you Men are Fools, you won't believe - What dreadful Things we Women can forgive: - I know but one we never do pass by, - And that you plague us with eternally; - When in your courtly Fears to disoblige, - You won't attack the Town which you beseige: - Your Guns are light, and planted out of Reach: - D'ye think with Billet-doux to make a Breach? - 'Tis Small-Shot all, and not a Stone will fly: - Walls fall by Cannon, and by firing nigh: - In sluggish dull Blockades you keep the Field, - And starve us ere we can with Honour yield. - In short---- - We can't receive those Terms you gently tender, - But storm, and we can answer our Surrender._ - - =END of the FIRST VOLUME= - - +PLAYS+ printed for =T. 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margin-left: 12em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} - .poem span.i4 {display: block; margin-left: 2em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} - .poem span.i8 {display: block; margin-left: 4em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} - -/* Drama */ -.directcenter, directcenter p { - text-align: center; - margin-left: 25%; - margin-right: 25%; -} - -.directright, directright p { - text-align: right; - margin-left: 50%; - margin-right: 0%; -} - -/* Easy Epub/Dropcaps Without illustration */ - -.drop-capw { - text-indent: 0em; -} -.drop-capw:first-letter -{ - float: left; - margin: 0.15em 0.1em 0em 0em; - font-size: 250%; - line-height:0.85em; -} -@media handheld -{ - .drop-capw:first-letter - { - float: none; - margin: 0; - font-size: 100%; - } -} - -.fauxcap /* Used without block element */ -{ - font-size: 250%; - vertical-align: -40%; -} -@media handheld -{ - .fauxcap - { - float: none; - margin: 0; - font-size: 100%; - } -} - - </style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Plays, vol. 1, by John Vanbrugh - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Plays, vol. 1 - -Author: John Vanbrugh - -Release Date: February 2, 2016 [EBook #51113] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PLAYS, VOL. 1 *** - - - - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, Mark C. Orton and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) - - - - - - -</pre> - -<div class="tnotes covernote"> - <p>The cover image was created by the transcriber and is placed in the public domain.</p> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 409px;"> -<img src="images/frontispiece.jpg" width="409" height="700" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> -<div id="titlepage"> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h1>PLAYS,</h1> - - -<p>WRITTEN BY</p> - -<p class="xlarge">Sir <span class="smcap">John Vanbrugh</span>.</p> - -<p class="large">IN TWO VOLUMES.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Volume</span> the <span class="smcap">First</span>.</p> - -<p>CONTAINING, -</p> - - -<ul><li><a href="#THE">The <span class="smcap">Relapse</span>; Or, <span class="smcap">Virtue</span> in <span class="smcap">Danger</span>.</a></li> - -<li><a href="#THE3">The <span class="smcap">Provok'd Wife</span>, with a new Scene.</a></li> - -<li><a href="#ESOP4"><span class="smcap">Æsop</span>, in two <span class="smcap">Parts</span>.</a></li> - -<li><a href="#THE5">The <span class="smcap">False Friend</span>.</a></li> -</ul> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>LONDON:</p> - -<p class="small">Printed for <span class="smcap">J. Rivington</span>, <span class="smcap">T. Longman</span>, -<span class="smcap">T. Lowndes</span>, <span class="smcap">S. Caslon</span>, <span class="smcap">C. Corbett</span>, -<span class="smcap">S. Bladon</span>, <span class="smcap">W. Nicoll</span>, <span class="smcap">T. Evans</span>, -and <span class="smcap">M. Waller</span>.</p> - -<p class="small">MDCCLXXVI. -</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a><br /><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2><a name="AN" id="AN">AN</a><br /> - -ACCOUNT<br /> - -OF THE<br /> - -LIFE and WRITINGS<br /> - -OF THE<br /> - -AUTHOR.</h2> - - -<p class="drop-capw"><span class="smcap">Sir</span> <em>John Vanbrugh</em>, an eminent dramatic -Writer, Son of Mr. <em>Giles Vanbrugh</em>, of -<em>London</em>, Merchant, was born in the Parish of -<em>St. Stephen</em>'s, <em>Wallbrook</em>, in 1666. The Family -of <em>Vanbrugh</em> were for many Years Merchants -of great Credit and Reputation, at -<em>Antwerp</em>, and came into <em>England</em> in the reign -of Queen <em>Elizabeth</em>, on account of the Persecution -for Religion.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>John</em> received a very liberal Education, -and at the Age of nineteen, was sent by his -Father to <em>France</em>, where he continued some<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span> -Years: He became very eminent for his -Poetry, to which he discovered an early propension. -And, pity it is, that this agreeable -Writer had not discovered his Wit, without -any Mixture of that Licentiousness, which, -tho' it pleased, tended to corrupt the Audience.</p> - -<p><cite>The Relapse</cite> was the first Play our Author -produced, but not the first he had written; -for he had at that Time by him, all the Scenes -of <cite>The Provok'd Wife</cite>; but being then doubtful -whether he should ever trust it to the -Stage, he flung it by, and thought no more -of it: Why the last written Play was first acted, -and for what Reason they were given to different -Stages, what follows will explain.</p> - -<p>Upon our Author's first Step into public -Life, when he was but an Ensign in the -Army, and had a Heart greatly above his -Income, he happened somewhere at his Winter -Quarters, upon a slender Acquaintance -with Sir <em>Thomas Skipwith</em>, to receive a particular -Obligation from him; and many Years -afterwards, when Sir <em>Thomas</em>'s Interest in a -Theatrical Patent (which he had a large -Share in, though he little concerned himself -in the Conduct of it) was rising but very -slowly, Sir <em>John</em> thought that to give it a lift -by a new Comedy, might be the handsomest<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span> -Return he could make to those his former -Favours; accordingly he soon after finished -<cite>The Relapse, or, Virtue in Danger</cite>, which was -acted at the Theatre in <em>Drury-Lane</em>, in 1696, -with universal Applause.</p> - -<p>Upon the Success of <cite>The Relapse</cite>, the late -Lord <em>Hallifax</em>, who was a favourer of <em>Betterton</em>'s -Company, having formerly heard -some Scenes of <cite>The Provok'd Wife</cite> read to him, -engaged Sir <em>John Vanbrugh</em> to revise it, and -give it to that Company. This was a Request -not to be refused to so eminent a Patron -of the Muses as Lord <em>Hallifax</em>, who was -equally a Friend and Admirer of Sir <em>John</em> -himself; nor was Sir <em>Thomas Skipwith</em> in the -least disobliged by so reasonable a Compliance. -<cite>The Provok'd Wife</cite> was accordingly -acted at the Theatre in <em>Lincoln's Inn-Fields</em> in -1697, with great Success.</p> - -<p>Tho' this Play met with so favourable a -Reception, yet it was not without its Enemies: -People of the graver Sort blamed the -looseness of the Scenes, and the unguarded -freedom of the Dialect; and indeed Sir <em>John</em> -himself appears to have been sensible of the -immorality of his Scenes; for in the Year -1725, when this Play was revived, he thought -proper to substitute a new Scene in the fourth -Act, in place of another, in which, in the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> -wantonness of his Wit, he had made a Rake -talk like a Rake, in the Habit of a Clergyman; -to avoid which Offence, he put the -same Debauchee into the Undress of a Woman -of Quality; by which means the Follies -he exposed in the Petticoat, appeared to the -Audience innocent and entertaining; which -new Scene is now for the first Time printed -at the End of the Play.</p> - -<p>Soon after the Success of <cite>The Provok'd Wife</cite>, -Sir <em>John</em> produced the Comedy of <cite>Esop</cite>, in -two Parts, which was acted at the Theatre-Royal -in <em>Drury Lane</em>, in 1697. This was -originally written in <em>French</em> by Mr. <em>Boursaut</em>, -about six Years before; but the Scenes of Sir -<em>Polydorus Hogstye</em>, the Players, and the Beau, -were added by our Author. This Play contains -a great deal of general Satire, and useful -Morality; notwithstanding which, it met -with but a cold Reception from the Audience, -and its run ended in about nine Days. -This seemed the more surprizing, as the -<em>French</em> Comedy was played to crowded Audiences -for a Month together. The little Success -this Piece met with on the <em>English</em> Stage, -cannot be better accounted for than in the -Words of Mr. <em>Cibber</em>, who, speaking of this -Play, makes the following Observation: -"The Character that delivers Precepts of -Wisdom, is in some sort severe upon the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span> -Auditor, for shewing him one wiser than -himself; but when Folly is his Object, he -applauds himself for being wiser than the -Coxcomb he laughs at; and who is not -more pleased with an Occasion to commend, -than to accuse himself?"</p> - -<p>The next Play our Author wrote, was <cite>The -False Friend</cite>, a Comedy, which was acted at -the Theatre-Royal in <em>Drury Lane</em>, in 1702.</p> - -<p>In 1703, Sir <em>John</em> formed a Project of -building a stately Theatre in the <em>Haymarket</em>, -for which he had interest enough to get a -Subscription of thirty Persons of Quality, at -one hundred Pounds each, in consideration -whereof, every Subscriber was for his own -Life to be admitted to whatever Entertainments -should be publicly performed there, -without any farther Payment for Entrance.</p> - -<p>In 1706, when this House was finished, -Mr. <em>Betterton</em> and his Co-partners, who then -acted at the Theatre in <em>Lincoln's Inn-Fields</em>, -dissolved their Agreement, and put themselves -under the direction of Sir <em>John Vanbrugh</em> -and Mr. <em>Congreve</em>, imagining, perhaps, -that the Conduct of two such eminent Authors -might give a more prosperous turn to -their Affairs; that the Plays it would now be -their interest to write for them, would soon<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> -recover the Town to a true Taste, and be an -Advantage that no other Company could -hope for; and that till such Plays could be -written, the Grandeur of their House, as it -was a new spectacle, might allure the Crowd -to support them: But, if these were their -Views, they soon found their Dependance -upon them was too sanguine; for though Sir -<em>John</em> was a very expeditious Writer, yet Mr. -<em>Congreve</em> was too judicious to let any Thing -come unfinished from his Pen. Besides, every -proper Convenience of a good Theatre had -been sacrificed to shew the Audience a vast -triumphal Piece of Architecture, in which, -by Means of the spaciousness of the Dome, -plays could not be successfully represented, -because the Actors could not be distinctly -heard.</p> - -<p>Not long before this Time, the <em>Italian</em> -Opera began to steal into <em>England</em>, but in as -rude a Disguise as possible: notwithstanding -which, the new Monster pleased, though it -had neither Grace, Melody, nor Action, to -recommend it. To strike in therefore with -the prevailing Fashion, Sir <em>John</em> and Mr. -<em>Congreve</em> opened their New Theatre with a -translated Opera, set to <em>Italian</em> Music, called -<cite>The Triumph of Love</cite>; but it met with a very -cool Reception, being performed only three -Times—to thin Houses.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9a" id="Page_9a">[Pg 9]</a></span></p> - -<p>Immediately upon the Failure of this Opera, -Sir <em>John Vanbrugh</em> brought on his Comedy, -called <cite>The Confederacy</cite>, taken, but very greatly -improved, from <cite>Les Bourgeoises à la Mode</cite>, of -Monsieur <em>D'Ancourt</em>. The Success of this -Play was not equal to its Merit; for it is -written with an uncommon Vein of Wit and -Humour; which plainly shews that the difficulty -of hearing, distinctly, in that large -Theatre, was no small Impediment to the -Applause that might have followed the same -Actors on any other Stage; and indeed every -Play acted there before the House was altered, -seemed to suffer greatly from the same -Inconvenience; for what few could plainly -hear, it was not likely many could applaud. -In a Word, the Prospect of Profits from this -Theatre was so very barren, that Mr. <em>Congreve</em>, -in a few Months, gave up his Share in -it wholly to Sir <em>John Vanbrugh</em>; who, as he -had a happier Talent of throwing the <em>English</em> -Spirit into his Translations, than any -other Author who had borrowed from them, -he in the same Season produced <cite>The Mistake</cite>, -a Comedy, taken from <cite>Le D'epit Amoureux</cite>, -of <em>Moliere</em>; and <cite>The Country House</cite>, a Farce, -translated from <em>The French</em>, which has been -acted at all the Theatres with general Applause.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10a" id="Page_10a">[Pg 10]</a></span></p> - -<p>Sir <em>John</em> soon afterwards, thoroughly tired -of Theatrical Affairs, determined to get rid -of his Patent on the best Terms he could; -he accordingly made an Offer to Mr. <em>Owen -Swiney</em> of his House, Clothes, and Scenes, -with the Queen's Licence to employ them, -upon Payment of the Rent of five Pounds -upon every acting Day, and not to exceed -700 <em>l.</em> in the Year; with which Proposal Mr. -<em>Swiney</em> soon complied, and managed that -Stage for some Time after.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>John</em> is not a little to be admired for -his Spirit, and readiness in producing Plays -so fast upon the Neck of one another; for, -notwithstanding his quick Dispatch, there is -a clear and lively Simplicity in his Wit, that -neither wants the Ornaments of Learning, -nor has the least Smell of the Lamp, as the -Face of a fine Woman, with her Locks -loose about her, may then be in its greatest -Beauty; such were his Productions, only -adorned by Nature. And there is, besides, -something so catching to the Ear, and so -easy to the Memory, in all he writ, that it -has been observed by all the Actors of those -Times, the Stile of no Author whatsoever -gave their Memory less Trouble, than that of -Sir <em>John Vanbrugh</em>. And indeed his Wit -and Humour was so little laboured, that his -most entertaining Scenes seem to be no more<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11a" id="Page_11a">[Pg 11]</a></span> -than his common Conversation committed -to Paper. As his Conceptions were so full -of Life and Humour, it is not much to be -wondered at, if his Muse should be sometimes -too warm to wait the slow Pace of -Judgment, or to endure the Drudgery of -forming a regular Fable to them.</p> - -<p>Besides the Plays already mentioned, Sir -<em>John</em> left behind him Part of a Comedy, -called <cite>A Journey to London</cite>, which has since -been made an entire Play of by Mr. <em>Cibber</em>, -and called <cite>The Provoked Husband</cite>, and was -acted at the Theatre-Royal, in <em>Drury Lane</em>, -in 1727, for twenty-eight Nights successively, -with universal Applause.</p> - -<p>In 1703, he was appointed Clarencieux -King of Arms, and in 1706 was commissioned -by Queen <em>Anne</em> to carry the Habit -and Ensigns of the Order of the Garter to -King <em>George</em> the First, then at <em>Hanover</em>; he -was likewise Comptroller-General of the -Board of Works, and Surveyor of the Gardens -and Waters. In the Year 1714, he -received the Order of Knighthood; and in -1719 he married <em>Henrietta Maria</em>, Daughter -of Colonel <em>Yarborough</em>, of <em>Haslington</em>, near -<em>York</em>, by whom he had three Children; -<em>Charles</em> the eldest was killed at the Battle of -<em>Fontenoy</em>, the other two died young.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12a" id="Page_12a">[Pg 12]</a></span></p> - -<p>Sir <em>John</em> died at his House in <em>Scotland-Yard</em>, -the 26th of <em>March</em>, 1726, and is interred -in the Family Vault, under the Church -of <em>St. Stephen</em>'s, <em>Wallbrook</em>.</p> -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/wingding-014.jpg" width="700" height="640" alt="" /> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_i" id="Page_i">[Pg i]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-015.jpg" width="700" height="72" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h2><a name="THE" id="THE">THE</a><br /> - -RELAPSE:<br /> - -OR,<br /> - -VIRTUE in DANGER:<br /> - -A<br /> - -COMEDY.</h2> - - -<p class="directcenter">Being the Sequel of <cite>The Fool in Fashion</cite>. -</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-015.jpg" width="700" height="72" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_ii" id="Page_ii">[Pg ii]</a><br /><a name="Page_iii" id="Page_iii">[Pg iii]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-017.jpg" width="700" height="85" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="THE2" id="THE2">THE</a><br /> - -PREFACE.</h3> - - -<p class="drop-capw"><span class="smcap">To</span> go about to excuse half the Defects this -abortive Brat is come into the World with, -would be to provoke the Town with a long -useless Preface, when it is, I doubt, sufficiently -soured already by a tedious Play.</p> - -<p>I do therefore (with all the Humility of a repenting -Sinner) confess, it wants every thing——but -length; and in that, I hope, the severest Critick -will be pleas'd to acknowledge I have not been -wanting. But my Modesty will sure atone for -every thing, when the World shall know it is so -great, I am even to this Day insensible of those two -shining Graces in the Play (which some part of the -Town is pleas'd to compliment me with) Blasphemy -and Bawdy.</p> - -<p>For my part, I cannot find them out: If there -were any obscene Expressions upon the Stage, here -they are in the Print; for I have dealt fairly, I -have not sunk a Syllable, that cou'd (though by -racking of Mysteries) be rang'd under that Head; -and yet I believe with a steady Faith, there is not -one Woman of a real Reputation in Town, but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_iv" id="Page_iv">[Pg iv]</a></span> -when she has read it impartially over in her Closet, -will find it so innocent, she will think it no Affront -to her Prayer-Book, to lay it upon the same Shelf. -So to them (with all manner of Deference) I entirely -refer my cause; and I am confident they -will justify me against those Pretenders to Good-manners, -who at the same time have so little -Respect for the Ladies, they wou'd extract a bawdy -Jest from an Ejaculation, to put them out of -countenance. But I expect to have these well-bred -Persons always my Enemies, since I am sure I shall -never write any thing lewd enough to make them -my Friends.</p> - -<p>As for the Saints (your thorough-pac'd ones, I -mean, with skrew'd Faces and wry Mouths) I -despair of them; for they are Friends to nobody: -They love nothing but their Altars and themselves; -they have too much Zeal to have any Charity; -they make Debauches in Piety, as Sinners do in -Wine; and are as quarrelsome in their Religion, -as other People are in their Drink: so I hope nobody -will mind what they say. But if any Man -(with flat plod Shoes, a little Band, greasy Hair, -and a dirty Face, who is wiser than I, at the Expence -of being forty Years older), happens to be -offended at a Story of a Cock and a Bull, and a -Priest and a Bull-dog, I beg his pardon with all -my Heart; which, I hope, I shall obtain, by -eating my Words, and making this publick Recantation. -I do therefore, for his Satisfaction, acknowledge -I lyed, when I said, they never quit -their hold; for in that little time I have liv'd in the -World, I thank God I have seen them forc'd to it -more than once; but next time I will speak with -more Caution and Truth, and only say, they have -very good Teeth.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_v" id="Page_v">[Pg v]</a></span></p> - -<p>If I have offended any honest Gentleman of the -Town, whose Friendship or good Word is worth -the having, I am very sorry for it; I hope they will -correct me as gently as they can, when they consider -I have had no other Design, in running a -very great Risk, than to divert (if possible) some -part of their Spleen, in spite of their Wives and -their Taxes.</p> - -<p>One Word more about the Bawdy, and I have -done. I own the first Night this thing was acted, -some Indecencies had like to have happened; but -it was not my Fault.</p> - -<p>The fine Gentleman of the Play, drinking his -Mistress's Health in <em>Nants</em> Brandy, from six in the -Morning to the time he waddled on upon the Stage -in the Evening, had toasted himself up to such a -pitch of Vigour, I confess I once gave <em>Amanda</em> for -gone, and am since (with all due respect to Mrs. -<em>Rogers</em>) very sorry she escaped; for I am confident -a certain Lady (let no one take it to herself that is -handsome) who highly blames the Play, for the -Barrenness of the Conclusion, would then have allowed -it a very natural Close.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_vi" id="Page_vi">[Pg vi]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-020.jpg" width="700" height="75" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="PROLOGUE2" id="PROLOGUE2">PROLOGUE.</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter">Spoken by <em>Miss</em> <span class="smcap">Cross</span>. -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em><span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">L</span>adies</span>, this Play in too much haste was writ,</em><br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_vii" id="Page_vii">[Pg vii]</a></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To be o'ercharg'd with either Plot or Wit;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>'Twas got, conceiv'd, and born in six Weeks Space,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And Wit, you know, 's as slow in Growth——as Grace.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Sure it can ne'er be ripen'd to your Taste;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>I doubt 'twill prove our Author bred too fast:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For mark 'em well, who with the Muses marry,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They rarely do conceive, but they miscarry.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>'Tis the hard Fate of those who are big with Rhyme,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Still to be brought-to-bed before their Time.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Of our late Poets, Nature few has made;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The greatest part——are only so by Trade.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Still want of something brings the scribbling Fit;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For want of Money some of 'em have writ,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And others do't, you see—for want of Wit.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Honour, they fancy, summons 'em to write,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>So out they lug in resty Nature's spight,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>As some of you spruce Beaux do—when you fight.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Yet let the Ebb of Wit be ne'er so low,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Some Glimpse of it a Man may hope to show,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Upon a Theme so ample——as a <span class="antiqua">Beau</span>.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>So, howsoe'er true Courage may decay,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Perhaps there's not one Smock-Face here to-day,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But's bold as <span class="antiqua">Cæsar</span>—to attack a Play.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Nay, what's yet more, with an undaunted Face,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To do the Thing with more heroick Grace,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>'Tis six to four y' attack the strongest Place.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>You are such Hotspurs in this kind of Venture,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Where there's no Breach, just there you needs must enter.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But be advis'd——</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>E'en give the Hero and the Critique o'er,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For Nature sent you on another score;</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>She formed her <span class="antiqua">Beau</span>, for nothing but her Whore.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/wingding-021.jpg" width="700" height="456" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_viii" id="Page_viii">[Pg viii]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="Dramatis_Personae2" id="Dramatis_Personae2">Dramatis Personæ.</a></h3> - - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Dramatis Personæ"> - <tr> - <th colspan="2">MEN.</th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Sir <em>Novelty Fashion</em>, newly created Lord <em>Foppington</em>,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Cibber</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Young <em>Fashion</em>, his Brother,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Kent</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Loveless</em>, Husband to <em>Amanda</em>,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Verbruggen</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Worthy</em>, a Gentleman of the Town,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Powel</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Sir <em>Tunbelly Clumsey</em>, a Country Gentleman,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Bullock</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Sir <em>John Friendly</em>, his Neighbour,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Mills</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Coupler</em>, a Matchmaker,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Johnson</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Bull</em>, Chaplain to Sir <em>Tunbelly</em>,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Simpson</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Syringe</em>, a Surgeon,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Haynes</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Lory</em>, Servant to Young <em>Fashion</em>,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Dogget</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Shoemaker, Taylor, Perriwig-maker, </td> - <td>&c.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <th colspan="2">WOMEN.</th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Amanda</em>, Wife to <em>Loveless</em>,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Rogers</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Berinthia</em>, her Cousin, a young Widow,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Verbruggen</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Miss <em>Hoyden</em>, a great Fortune, Daughter to Sir <em>Tunbelly</em>,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Cross</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr><td align="left">Nurse, her Governant,</td><td align="left">Mrs. <em>Powel</em>.</td></tr> -</table></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span> -<img src="images/bar-023a.jpg" width="700" height="158" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p class="ph2">THE<br /> -RELAPSE;<br /> -OR,<br /> -VIRTUE in DANGER. -</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-023b.jpg" width="700" height="37" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_I_SCENE_I2" id="ACT_I_SCENE_I2"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> I. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Loveless</span>, reading.</em> -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">H</span>ow</span> true is that Philosophy which says<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Our Heaven is seated in our Minds!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Through all the roving Pleasures of my Youth,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">(Where Nights and Days seem all consum'd in Joy,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Where the false Face of Luxury<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Display'd such Charms,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">As might have shaken the most holy Hermit,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And made him totter at his Altar)<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I never knew one Moment's Peace like this.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Here—in this little soft Retreat,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My thoughts unbent from all the Cares of Life,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Content with Fortune,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Eas'd from the grating Duties of Dependence,<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span> -<span class="i0">From Envy free, Ambition under foot,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The raging Flame of wild destructive Lust<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Reduc'd to a warm pleasing Fire of lawful Love,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My Life glides on, and all is well within.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Amanda</span>.</em> -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Lov. <em>meeting her kindly.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">How does the happy Cause of my Content, my dear <em>Amanda</em>?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You find me musing on my happy State,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And full of grateful Thoughts to Heaven, and you.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Aman.</em> Those grateful Offerings Heaven can't receive<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With more Delight than I do:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Would I cou'd share with it as well<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The Dispensations of its Bliss,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That I might search its choicest Favours out,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And shower 'em on your Head for ever.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Lov.</em> The largest Boons that Heaven thinks fit to grant<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To Things it has decreed shall crawl on Earth,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Are in the Gift of Woman form'd like you.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Perhaps when Time shall be no more,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">When the aspiring Soul shall take its Flight,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And drop this pond'rous Lump of Clay behind it,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">It may have Appetites we know not of,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And Pleasures as refin'd as its Desires—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But till that Day of Knowledge shall instruct me,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The utmost Blessing that my Thought can reach,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">[<em>Taking her in his Arms.</em>] Is folded in my Arms, and rooted in my Heart.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Aman.</em> There let it grow for ever.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Lov.</em> Well said, <em>Amanda</em>—let it be for ever.—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Wou'd Heaven grant that—<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Aman.</em> 'Twere all the Heaven I'd ask.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But we are clad in black Mortality,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And the dark Curtain of eternal Night<br /></span> -<span class="i0">At last must drop between us.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Lov.</em> It must: that mournful Separation we must see.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A bitter Pill it is to all; but doubles its ungrateful Taste,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">When Lovers are to swallow it;<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Aman.</em> Perhaps that Pain may only be my Lot,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You possibly may be exempted from it;<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> -<span class="i0">Men find out softer ways to quench their Fires.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Lov.</em> Can you then doubt my Constancy, <em>Amanda</em>?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You'll find 'tis built upon a steady Basis——<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The Rock of Reason now supports my Love,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">On which it stands so fix'd,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The rudest Hurricane of wild Desire<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Wou'd, like the Breath of a soft slumbering Babe,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Pass by, and never shake it.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Aman.</em> Yet still 'tis safer to avoid the Storm;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The strongest Vessels, if they put to Sea,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">May possibly be lost.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Wou'd I cou'd keep you here in this calm Port for ever!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Forgive the Weakness of a Woman,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I am uneasy at your going to stay so long in Town;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I know its false insinuating Pleasures;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I know the Force of its Delusions;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I know the Strength of its Attacks;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I know the weak Defence of Nature;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I know you are a Man—and I—a Wife.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Lov.</em> You know then all that needs to give you Rest,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For Wife's the strongest Claim that you can urge.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">When you would plead your Title to my Heart,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">On this you may depend; therefore be calm,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Banish your Fears, for they are Traitors to your Peace:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Beware of them, they are insinuating busy Things<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That gossip to and fro, and do a World of Mischief<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Where they come: But you shall soon be Mistress of 'em all,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I'll aid you with such Arms for their Destruction,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">They never shall erect their Heads again.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You know the Business is indispensible, that obliges<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Me to go to <em>London</em>, and you have no Reason, that I<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Know of, to believe that I'm glad of the Occasion:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For my honest Conscience is my Witness,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I have found a due Succession of such Charms<br /></span> -<span class="i0">In my Retirement here with you,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I have never thrown one roving Thought that way;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But since, against my Will, I'm dragg'd once more<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To that uneasy Theatre of Noise,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I am resolv'd to make such use on't,<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> -<span class="i0">As shall convince you 'tis an old cast Mistress,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Who has been so lavish of her Favours,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She's now grown Bankrupt of her Charms,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And has not one Allurement left to move me.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Aman.</em> Her Bow, I do believe, is grown so weak,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Her Arrows (at this distance) cannot hurt you,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But in approaching 'em you give 'em Strength:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The Dart that has not far to fly,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Will put the best of Armour to a dangerous Trial.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Lov.</em> That Trial past, and y'are at ease for ever;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">When you have seen the Helmet prov'd,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You'll apprehend no more for him that wears it:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Therefore to put a lasting Period to your Fears,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I am resolv'd, this once, to launch into Temptation.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I'll give you an Essay of all my Virtues;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My former boon Companions of the Bottle<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Shall fairly try what Charms are left in Wine:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I'll take my Place amongst them,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">They shall hem me in,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Sing Praises to their God, and drink his Glory;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Turn wild Enthusiasts for his sake,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And Beasts to do him Honour:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Whilst I, a stubborn Atheist,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Sullenly look on,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Without one reverend Glass to his Divinity.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That for my Temperance,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Then for my Constancy——<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Aman.</em> Ay, there take heed.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Lov.</em> Indeed the Danger's small.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Aman.</em> And yet my Fears are great.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Lov.</em> Why are you so timorous?<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Aman.</em> Because you are so bold.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Lov.</em> My Courage should disperse your Apprehensions.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Aman.</em> My Apprehensions should alarm your Courage.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Lov.</em> Fy, fy, <em>Amanda</em>, it is not kind thus to distrust me.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Aman.</em> And yet my Fears are founded on my Love.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Lov.</em> For if you can believe 'tis possible<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I shou'd again relapse to my past Follies,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I must appear to you a thing<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span> -<span class="i0">Of such an undigested Composition,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That but to think of me with Inclination,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Wou'd be a Weakness in your Taste,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Your Virtue scarce cou'd answer.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Aman.</em> 'Twou'd be a Weakness in my Tongue,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My Prudence cou'd not answer,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">If I shou'd press you farther with my Fears;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I'll therefore trouble you no longer with 'em.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Lov.</em> Nor shall they trouble you much longer,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A little time shall shew you they were groundless;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">This Winter shall be the fiery Trial of my Virtue;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Which, when it once has past,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You'll be convinc'd 'twas of no false Allay,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">There all your Cares will end—<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Aman.</em> Pray Heaven they may!<br /></span> -</div></div> - - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt Hand in Hand.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Whitehall.</em></h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Young Fashion</span>, <span class="antiqua">Lory</span>, and <span class="antiqua">Waterman</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Come, pay the Waterman, and take the Pormanteau.</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> Faith, Sir, I think the Waterman had as good -take the Portmanteau, and pay himself.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Why sure there's something left in't.</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> But a solitary old Waistcoat, upon my Honour, -Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Why, what's become of the blue Coat, -Sirrah?</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> Sir, 'twas eaten at <em>Gravesend</em>; the Reckoning -came to thirty Shillings, and your Privy-Purse was -worth but two Half-Crowns.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> 'Tis very well.</p> - -<p><em>Wat.</em> Pray, Master, will you please to dispatch me?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Ay, here a——Canst thou change me a -Guinea?</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Good.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Wat.</em> Change a Guinea, Master! Ha, ha, your Honour's -pleas'd to compliment.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> I'gad I don't know how I shall pay thee -then, for I have nothing but Gold about me.</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>]—Hum, hum.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> What dost thou expect, Friend?</p> - -<p><em>Wat.</em> Why, Master, so far against Wind and Tide, -is richly worth half a Piece.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Why, faith, I think thou art a good conscionable -Fellow. I'gad, I begin to have so good an -Opinion of thy Honesty, I care not if I leave my Portmanteau -with thee, till I send thee thy Money.</p> - -<p><em>Wat.</em> Ha! God bless your Honour; I should be as -willing to trust you, Master, but that you are, as a -Man may say, a Stranger to me, and these are nimble -Times; there are a great many Sharpers stirring. [<em>Taking -up the Portmanteau.</em>] Well, Master, when your Worship -sends the Money, your Portmanteau shall be forthcoming. -My Name's <em>Tugg</em>, my Wife keeps a Brandy-Shop -in <em>Drab-Ally</em> at <em>Wapping</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Very well; I'll send for't to-morrow.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Wat.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> So—Now, Sir, I hope you'll own yourself a -happy Man, you have outliv'd all your Cares.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> How so, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> Why you have nothing left to take care of.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Yes, Sirrah, I have myself and you to -take care of still.</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> Sir, if you cou'd but prevail with somebody else -to do that for you, I fancy we might both fare the better -for't.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Why, if thou canst tell me where to apply -myself, I have at present so little Money, and so much -Humility about me, I don't know but I may follow a -Fool's Advice.</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> Why then, Sir, your Fool advises you to lay aside -all Animosity, and apply to Sir <em>Novelty</em>, your elder Brother.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Damn my elder Brother.</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> With all my heart; but get him to redeem your -Annuity, however.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> My Annuity! 'Sdeath, he's such a Dog, -he would not give his Powder-Puff to redeem my Soul.</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> Look you, Sir, you must wheedle him, or you -must starve.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Look you, Sir, I will neither wheedle -him, nor starve.</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> Why? what will you do then?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> I'll go into the Army.</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> You can't take the Oaths; you are a Jacobite.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Thou may'st as well say I can't take Orders -because I'm an Atheist.</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> Sir, I ask your Pardon; I find I did not know -the Strength of your Conscience, so well as I did the -Weakness of your Purse.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Methinks, Sir, a Person of your Experience -should have known, that the Strength of the Conscience -proceeds from the Weakness of the Purse.</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> Sir, I am very glad to find you have a Conscience -able to take care of us, let it proceed from what it will; -but I desire you'll please to consider, that the Army -alone will be but a scanty Maintenance for a Person of -your Generosity (at least as Rents now are paid); I shall -see you stand in damnable need of some auxiliary Guineas -for your <em>menu Plaisirs</em>; I will therefore turn Fool -once more for your Service, and advise you to go directly -to your Brother.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Art thou then so impregnable a Blockhead, -to believe he'll help me with a Farthing?</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> Not if you treat him, <em>de haut en bas</em>, as you -use to do.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Why, how would'st have me treat him?</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> Like a Trout, tickle him.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> I can't flatter——</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> Can you starve?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Yes——</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> I can't; Good-by t'ye, Sir—</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Going.</em></p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Stay, thou wilt distract me. What -would'st thou have me to say to him?</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> Say nothing to him, apply yourself to his Favourites; -speak to his Perriwig, his Cravat, his Feather,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span> -his Snuff-box, and when you are well with them——desire -him to lend you a Thousand Pounds. I'll engage -you prosper.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> 'Sdeath and Furies! Why was that -Coxcomb thrust into the World before me? O Fortune—Fortune—thou -art a Bitch, by Gad——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>A Dressing-Room</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lord <span class="antiqua">Foppington</span> in his Night-Gown.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">P</span>age</span>——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Enter Page.</em></p> - -<p><em>Page.</em> Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Sir! Pray, Sir, do me the Favour to teach -your Tongue the Title the King has thought fit to honour -me with.</p> - -<p><em>Page.</em> I ask your Lordship's Pardon, my Lord.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> O, you can pronounce the Word then——I -thought it would have choak'd you——D'ye hear?</p> - -<p><em>Page.</em> My Lord.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Call La Varole, I wou'd dress—</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Page.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Solus.</em></p> - -<p>Well, 'tis an unspeakable Pleasure to be a Man of Quality——Strike -me dumb——My Lord——Your Lordship——My -Lord <em>Foppington</em>—<em>Ah! c'est quelque chose -de beau, que le Diable m'emporte</em>——</p> - -<p>Why the Ladies were ready to puke at me, whilst I -had nothing but Sir <em>Novelty</em> to recommend me to -'em——Sure whilst I was but a Knight, I was a very -nauseous Fellow——Well, 'tis Ten Thousand Pawnd -well given——stap my Vitals——</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">La Varole</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Me Lord, de Shoemaker, de Taylor, de Hosier, de -Sempstress, de Peru, be all ready, if your Lordship -please to dress.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> 'Tis well, admit 'em.</p> - -<p><em>La Var.</em> Hey, Messieurs, entrez.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Taylor</span>, <span class="antiqua">&c.</span></em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> So, Gentlemen, I hope you have all taken -pains to shew yourselves Masters in your Professions.</p> - -<p><em>Tayl.</em> I think I may presume to say, Sir——</p> - -<p><em>La Var.</em> My Lord——you Clawn you.</p> - -<p><em>Tayl.</em> Why, is he made a Lord?——My Lord, I ask -your Lordship's Pardon; my Lord, I hope, my Lord, -your Lordship will please to own, I have brought your -Lordship as accomplish'd a Suit of Clothes, as ever Peer -of <em>England</em> trode the Stage in, my Lord: Will your -Lordship please to try 'em now?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Ay, but let my People dispose the Glasses -so, that I may see myself before and behind; for I love -to see myself all raund——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Whilst he puts on his Clothes, enter <span class="antiqua">Young Fashion</span> -and <span class="antiqua">Lory</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Hey-dey, what the Devil have we here? -Sure my Gentleman's grown a Favourite at Court, he -has got so many People at his Levee.</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> Sir, these People come in order to make him a -Favourite at Court, they are to establish him with the -Ladies.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Good God! to what an Ebb of Taste -are Women fallen, that it shou'd be in the power of a -lac'd Coat to recommend a Gallant to 'em——</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> Sir, Taylors and Perriwig-makers are now become -the Bawds of the Nation, 'tis they debauch all the -Women.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Thou sayest true; for there's that Fop -now, has not by Nature wherewithal to move a Cook-maid, -and by that time these Fellows have done with -him, I'gad he shall melt down a Countess——But now -for my Reception, I engage it shall be as cold a one, as -a Courtier's to his Friend, who comes to put him in -mind of his Promise.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> <em>to his Taylor.</em>] Death and eternal Tartures! -Sir, I say the Packet's too high by a Foot.</p> - -<p><em>Tayl.</em> My Lord, if it had been an Inch lower, it would<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> -not have held your Lordship's Pocket-Handkerchief.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Rat my Packet-Handkerchief! Have not -I a Page to carry it? You may make him a Packet up to -his Chin a purpose for it; but I will not have mine -come so near my Face.</p> - -<p><em>Tayl.</em> 'Tis not for me to dispute your Lordship's Fancy.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash. to Lory.</em>] His Lordship! <em>Lory</em>, did you observe -that?</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> Yes, Sir; I always thought 'twould end there. -Now, I hope, you'll have a little more Respect for him.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Respect! Damn him for a Coxcomb; -now has he ruin'd his Estate to buy a Title, that he -may be a Fool of the first Rate: But let's accost him——</p> - -<p><em>To Lord Fop.</em>] Brother, I'm your Humble Servant.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> O Lard, <em>Tam</em>; I did not expect you in -<em>England</em>: Brother, I am glad to see you——</p> - -<p><em>Turning to his Taylor.</em>] Look you, Sir. I shall never be -reconcil'd to this nauseous Packet; therefore pray get -me another Suit with all manner of Expedition, for this -is my eternal Aversion. Mrs. <em>Callicoe</em>, are not you of -my Mind?</p> - -<p><em>Semp.</em> O, directly, my Lord, it can never be too low—</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> You are passitively in the right on't, for -the Packet becomes no part of the Body but the Knee.</p> - -<p><em>Semp.</em> I hope your Lordship is pleas'd with your -Steenkirk.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> In love with it, stap my Vitals. Bring your -Bill, you shall be paid to-marrow—</p> - -<p><em>Semp.</em> I humbly thank your Honour—</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Semp.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Hark thee, Shoemaker, these Shoes a'n't -ugly, but they don't fit me.</p> - -<p><em>Shoe.</em> My Lord, my thinks they fit you very well.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> They hurt me just below the Instep.</p> - -<p><em>Shoe.</em> [<em>Feeling his Foot.</em>] My Lord, they don't hurt you -there.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> I tell thee, they pinch me execrably.</p> - -<p><em>Shoe.</em> My Lord, if they pinch you, I'll be bound to -be hang'd, that's all.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Why, wilt thou undertake to persuade me -I cannot feel?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Shoe.</em> Your Lordship may please to feel what you -think fit; but that Shoe does not hurt you—I think I -understand my Trade——</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Now by all that's great and powerful, thou -art an incomprehensible Coxcomb; but thou makest -good Shoes, and so I'll bear with thee.</p> - -<p><em>Shoe.</em> My Lord, I have work'd for half the People of -Quality in Town these Twenty Years; and 'tis very hard -I should not know when a Shoe hurts, and when it don't.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Well, pr'ythee, begone about thy Business.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Shoe.</em></p> - -<p>[<em>To the Hosier.</em>] Mr. <em>Mend Legs</em>, a Word with you; the -Calves of the Stockings are thicken'd a little too much. -They make my Legs look like a Chairman's——</p> - -<p><em>Mend.</em> My Lord, my thinks they look mighty well.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Ay, but you are not so good a Judge of -those things as I am, I have study'd them all my Life; -therefore pray let the next be the thickness of a Crawn-piece -less——[<em>Aside.</em>] If the Town takes notice my Legs -are fallen away, 'twill be attributed to the Violence of -some new Intrigue.</p> - -<p><em>To the Perriwig-maker.</em>] Come, Mr. <em>Foretop</em>, let me -see what you have done, and then the Fatigue of the -Morning will be over.</p> - -<p><em>Foretop.</em> My Lord, I have done what I defy any -Prince in <em>Europe</em> to out-do; I have made you a Perriwig -so long, and so full of Hair, it will serve you for a Hat -and Cloak in all Weathers.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Then thou hast made me thy Friend to -Eternity: Come, comb it out.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Well, <em>Lory</em>, What do'st think on't? A -very friendly Reception from a Brother after Three -Years Absence!</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> Why, Sir, 'tis your own Fault; we seldom care -for those that don't love what we love: if you wou'd -creep into his Heart, you must enter into his Pleasures—Here -you have stood ever since you came in, and have -not commended any one thing that belongs to him.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Nor never shall, while they belong to a -Coxcomb.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> Then, Sir, you must be content to pick a hungry -Bone.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> No, Sir, I'll crack it, and get to the -Marrow before I have done.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Gad's Curse! Mr. <em>Foretop</em>, you don't intend -to put this upon me for a full Perriwig?</p> - -<p><em>Fore.</em> Not a full one, my Lord! I don't know what -your Lordship may please to call a full one, but I have -cramm'd twenty Ounces of Hair into it.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> What it may be by Weight, Sir, I shall not -dispute; but by Tale, there are not nine Hairs on a side.</p> - -<p><em>Fore.</em> O Lord! O Lord! O Lord! Why, as God -shall judge me, your Honor's Side-Face is reduc'd to -the Tip of your Nose.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> My Side-Face may be in an Eclipse for -aught I know; but I'm sure my Full-Face is like the -Full-moon.</p> - -<p><em>Fore.</em> Heaven bless my Eye-sight——[<em>Rubbing his -Eyes.</em>] Sure I look thro' the wrong end of the Perspective; -for by my Faith, an't please your Honour, the -broadest place I see in your Face does not seem to me -to be two Inches diameter.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> If it did, it would just be two Inches too -broad; for a Perriwig to a Man, should be like a Mask -to a Woman, nothing should be seen but his Eyes—</p> - -<p><em>Fore.</em> My Lord, I have done; if you please to have -more Hair in your Wig, I'll put it in.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Passitively, yes.</p> - -<p><em>Fore.</em> Shall I take it back now, my Lord?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> No: I'll wear it to-day, tho' it shew such -a manstrous pair of Cheeks, stap my Vitals, I shall be -taken for a Trumpeter.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Fore</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Now your People of Business are gone, -Brother, I hope I may obtain a quarter of an Hour's -Audience of you.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Faith, <em>Tam</em>, I must beg you'll excuse me -at this time, for I must away to the House of Lards -immediately; my Lady <em>Teaser</em>'s Case is to come on to-day, -and I would not be absent for the Salvation of -Mankind. Hey, <em>Page</em>! Is the Coach at the Door?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Page.</em> Yes, my Lord.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> You'll excuse me, Brother.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Going.</em></p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Shall you be back at Dinner?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> As Gad shall jedge me, I can't tell; for -'tis passible I may dine with some of aur Hause at <em>Lacket</em>'s.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Shall I meet you there? for I must needs -talk with you.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> That, I'm afraid, mayn't be so praper; far -the Lards I commonly eat with, are a People of a nice -Conversation; and you know, <em>Tam</em>, your Education -has been a little at large: but if you'll stay here, you'll -find a Family Dinner. Hey, Fellow! What is there for -Dinner? There's Beef: I suppose my Brother will eat -Beef. Dear <em>Tam</em>, I'm glad to see thee in <em>England</em>, stap -my Vitals.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit, with his Equipage.</em></p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Hell and Furies, is this to be borne?</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> Faith, Sir, I cou'd almost have given him a -knock o' th' Pate myself.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> 'Tis enough, I will now shew you the -excess of my Passion by being very calm: Come, <em>Lory</em>, -lay your Loggerhead to mine, and in cool Blood let us -contrive his Destruction.</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> Here comes a Head, Sir, would contrive it -better than us both, if he wou'd but join in the Confederacy.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Coupler</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> By this Light, old <em>Coupler</em> alive still! -Why, how now, Matchmaker, art thou here still to -plague the World with Matrimony? You old Bawd, -how have you the Impudence to be hobbling out of -your Grave twenty Years after you are rotten!</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> When you begin to rot, Sirrah, you'll go off -like a Pippin, one Winter will send you to the Devil. -What Mischief brings you home again? Ha! You -young lascivious Rogue, you: Let me put my Hand into -your Bosom, Sirrah.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Stand off, old <em>Sodom</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Nay, pr'ythee now don't be so coy.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Keep your Hands to yourself, you old -Dog you, or I'll wring your Nose off.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Hast thou then been a Year in <em>Italy</em>, and -brought home a Fool at last? By my Conscience, the -young Fellows of this Age profit no more by their going -abroad, than they do by their going to Church. -Sirrah, Sirrah, if you are not hang'd before you come -to my Years, you'll know a Cock from a Hen. But -come, I'm still a Friend to thy Person, tho' I have a -Contempt of thy Understanding; and therefore I would -willingly know thy Condition, that I may see whether -thou standest in need of my Assistance; for Widows -swarm, my Boy, the Town's infested with 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> I stand in need of any body's Assistance, -that will help me to cut my elder Brother's Throat, -without the Risque of being hang'd for him.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> I'gad, Sirrah, I cou'd help thee to do him almost -as good a turn, without the danger of being burnt -in the Hand for't.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Say'st thou so, old Satan? Shew me but -that, and my Soul is thine.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Pox o'thy Soul! give me thy warm Body, Sirrah; -I shall have a substantial Title to't when I tell thee -my Project.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Out with it then, dear Dad, and take -possession as soon as thou wilt.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Sayest thou so, my <em>Hephestion</em>? Why, then, thus -lies the Scene: but hold; who's that? If we are heard -we are undone.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> What have you forgot <em>Lory</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Who, trusty <em>Lory</em>, is it thee?</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> At your Service, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Give me thy Hand, old Boy; I'gad I did not -know thee again; but I remember thy Honesty, tho' I -did not thy Face; I think thou hadst like to have been -hang'd once or twice for thy Master.</p> - -<p><em>Lory.</em> Sir, I was very near once having that Honour.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Well, live and hope; don't be discourag'd; eat -with him, and drink with him, and do what he bids -thee, and it may be thy Reward at last, as well as another's.</p> - -<p><em>To Young Fash.</em>] Well, Sir, you must know I have done -you the Kindness to make up a Match for your Brother.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> I am very much beholden to you, truly.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> You may be, Sirrah, before the Wedding-day -yet; the Lady is a great Heiress; fifteen hundred Pound -a year, and a great Bag of Money; the Match is concluded, -the Writings are drawn, and the Pipkin's to be -crack'd in a Fortnight—Now you must know, Stripling -(with Respect to your Mother), your Brother's the Son -of a Whore.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Good.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> He has given me a Bond of a Thousand Pounds -for helping him to this Fortune, and has promis'd me as -much more in ready Money upon the Day of Marriage; -which, I understand by a Friend, he ne'er designs to pay -me; if therefore you will be a generous young Dog, and -secure me five thousand Pounds, I'll be a covetous old -Rogue, and help you to the Lady.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> I'gad, if thou can'st bring this about, I'll -have thy Statue cast in Brass. But don't you doat, you -old Pandar you, when you talk at this rate?</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> That your youthful Parts shall judge of: This -plump Partridge, that I tell you of, lives in the Country, -fifty Miles off, with her honoured Parents, in a -lonely old House which nobody comes near; she never -goes abroad, nor sees Company at home: To prevent -all Misfortunes, she has her Breeding within Doors, -the Parson of the Parish teaches her to play on the Bass-Viol, -the Clerk to sing, her Nurse to dress, and her -Father to dance: In short, nobody can give you admittance -there but I; nor can I do it any other way, -than by making you pass for your Brother.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> And how the Devil wilt thou do that?</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Without the Devil's Aid, I warrant thee. Thy -Brother's Face not one of the Family ever saw; the whole -Business has been manag'd by me, and all the Letters go -thro' my Hands: The last that was writ to Sir <em>Tunbelly -Clumsey</em> (for that's the old Gentleman's Name) was to tell -him, his Lordship would be down in a Fortnight to consummate. -Now you shall go away immediately; pretend -you writ that letter only to have the romantick Pleasure -of surprizing your Mistress; fall desperately in Love, as<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> -soon as you see her; make that your Plea for marrying -her immediately; and when the fatigue of the Wedding-night's -over, you shall send me a swinging Purse of -Gold, you Dog you.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> I'gad, old Dad, I'll put my Hand in thy -Bosom now——</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Ah, you young hot lusty Thief, let me muzzle -you——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Kissing.</em></p> - -<p>Sirrah, let me muzzle you.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> 'Psha, the old Letcher——</p> - -<p class="directright">[Aside.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Well; I'll warrant thou hast not a Farthing of -Money in thy Pocket now; no, one may see it in thy -Face——</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Not a Sous, by <em>Jupiter</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Must I advance then?—Well, Sirrah, be at my -Lodgings in half an Hour, and I'll see what may be -done; we'll sign and seal, and eat a Pullet, and when -I have given thee some farther Instructions, thou shalt -hoist Sail and be gone——[<em>Kissing.</em>]——T'other -Buss, and so adieu.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Um, 'psha.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Ah; you young warm Dog, you; what a delicious -Night will the Bride have on't!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Coupler.</em></p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> So, <em>Lory</em>; Providence, thou seest, at last -takes care of Men of Merit: We are in a fair way to -be great People.</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> Ay, Sir, if the Devil don't step between the Cup -and the Lip, as he uses to do.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Why, faith, he has play'd me many a -damn'd Trick to spoil my Fortune, and, I'gad, I'm almost -afraid he's at work about it again now; but if I -should tell thee how, thou'dst wonder at me.</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> Indeed, Sir, I shou'd not.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> How dost know?</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> Because, Sir, I have wonder'd at you so often, I -can wonder at you no more.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> No! what wouldst thou say if a Qualm of -Conscience should spoil my Design?</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> I wou'd eat my Words, and wonder more than ever.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Why, faith, <em>Lory</em>, tho' I am a young<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> -Rake-hell, and have play'd many a Roguish Trick; -this is so full grown a Cheat, I find I must take pains to -come up to't; I have Scruples——</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> They are strong Symptoms of Death; if you find -they increase, pray, Sir, make your Will.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> No, my Conscience shan't starve me, neither. -But thus far I'll hearken to it; before I execute -this Project, I'll try my Brother to the bottom, I'll speak -to him with the Temper of a Philosopher; my Reasons -(tho' they press him home) shall yet be cloth'd with so -much Modesty, not one of all the Truths they urge, shall -be so naked to offend his Sight: if he has yet so much -Humanity about him, as to assist me (tho' with a moderate -Aid) I'll drop my Project at his Feet, and shew him how -I can do for him, much more than what I ask he'd do for -me. This one conclusive Trial of him I resolve to make—</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Succeed or no, still Victory's my Lot;</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>If I subdue his Heart, 'tis well; if not,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>I shall subdue my Conscience to my Plot.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directright">[<span class="antiqua">Exeunt.</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-039.jpg" width="700" height="38" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_II_SCENE_I2" id="ACT_II_SCENE_I2"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> II. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Loveless</span> and <span class="antiqua">Amanda</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">H</span>ow</span> do you like these Lodgings, my Dear? -For my part, I am so well pleased with -them, I shall hardly remove whilst we stay in Town, if -you are satisfy'd.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> I am satisfy'd with every thing that pleases -you; else I had not come to Town at all.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> O! a little of the Noise and Bustle of the World -sweetens the Pleasures of Retreat: We shall find the -Charms of our Retirement doubled, when we return to it.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> That pleasing Prospect will be my chiefest Entertainment, -whilst, much against my Will, I am obliged<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> -to stand surrounded with these empty Pleasures, which 'tis -so much the Fashion to be fond of.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> I own most of them are indeed but empty; -nay, so empty, that one would wonder by what Magick -Power they act, when they induce us to be vicious for -their sakes. Yet some there are we may speak kindlier -of: There are Delights, of which a private Life is destitute, -which may divert an honest Man, and be a harmless -Entertainment to a virtuous Woman. The Conversation -of the Town is one; and truly (with some -small Allowances) the Plays, I think, may be esteem'd -another.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> The Plays, I must confess, have some small -Charms; and wou'd have more, wou'd they restrain -that loose obscene Encouragement to Vice, which shocks, -if not the Virtue of some Women, at least the Modesty -of all.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> But till that Reformation can be made, I would -not leave the wholesome Corn for some intruding Tares -that grow among it. Doubtless the Moral of a well-wrought -Scene is of prevailing Force——Last Night -there happen'd one that mov'd me strangely.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Pray, what was that?</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Why 'twas about—but 'tis not worth repeating.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Yes, pray let me know it.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> No, I think 'tis as well let alone.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Nay, now you make me have a mind to know.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> 'Twas a foolish thing: You'd perhaps grow jealous -shou'd I tell it you, tho' without a Cause, Heaven -knows.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> I shall begin to think I have cause, if you persist -in making it a Secret.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> I'll then convince you you have none, by making -it no longer so. Know then, I happen'd in the Play -to find my very Character, only with the Addition of a -Relapse; which struck me so, I put a sudden Stop to a -most harmless Entertainment, which till then diverted -me between the Acts. 'Twas to admire the Workmanship -of Nature, in the Face of a young Lady that sat some distance -from me, she was so exquisitely handsome——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> So exquisitely handsome!</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Why do you repeat my Words, my Dear?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Because you seem'd to speak them with such -Pleasure, I thought I might oblige you with their Echo.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Then you are alarmed, <em>Amanda</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> It is my Duty to be so, when you are in danger.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> You are too quick in apprehending for me; all -will be well when you have heard me out. I do confess -I gaz'd upon her, nay, eagerly I gaz'd upon her.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Eagerly! That's with Desire.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> No, I desir'd her not: I view'd her with a -World of Admiration, but not one Glance of Love.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Take heed of trusting to such nice Distinctions.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> I did take heed; for observing in the Play, that -he who seem'd to represent me there, was, by an Accident -like this, unwarily surpriz'd into a Net, in which -he lay a poor intangled Slave, and brought a Train of -Mischiefs on his Head, I snatch'd my Eyes away; they -pleaded hard for leave to look again, but I grew absolute, -and they obey'd.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Were they the only things that were inquisitive? -Had I been in your place, my Tongue, I fancy, -had been curious too: I shou'd have ask'd her Name, -and where she liv'd (yet still without Design:)—Who -was she, pray?</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Indeed I cannot tell.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> You will not tell.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> By all that's sacred, then, I did not ask.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Nor do you know what Company was with -her?</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> I do not.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Then I am calm again.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Why, were you disturb'd?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Had I then no cause?</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> None certainly.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> I thought I had.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> But you thought wrong, <em>Amanda</em>; For turn the -Case, and let it be your Story; Should you come home,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span> -and tell me you had seen a handsome Man, shou'd I -grow jealous because you had Eyes?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> But shou'd I tell you he were exquisitely so; -that I had gaz'd on him with Admiration; that I had -look'd with eager Eyes upon him; shou'd you not think -'twere possible I might go one Step further, and enquire -his Name?</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] She has Reason on her side, I have talk'd -too much; but I must turn it off another way. [<em>To Aman.</em>] -Will you then make no difference, <em>Amanda</em>, between -the Language of our Sex and yours? There is a -Modesty restrains your Tongues, which makes you speak -by halves when you commend; but roving Flattery gives -a loose to ours, which makes us still speak double what -we think: You shou'd not therefore, in so strict a Sense, -take what I said to her Advantage.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Those Flights of Flattery, Sir, are to our Faces -only: When Women once are out of hearing, you are -as modest in your Commendations as we are. But I -shan't put you to the trouble of farther Excuses; if you -please, this Business shall rest here. Only give me leave -to wish, both for your Peace and mine, that you may -never meet this Miracle of Beauty more.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> I am content.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Madam, there's a young Lady at the door in a -Chair, desires to know whether your Ladyship sees Company. -I think her Name is <em>Berinthia</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> O dear! 'tis a Relation I have not seen this five -Years. Pray her to walk in.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Servant.</em></p> - -<p><em>To Lov.</em>] Here's another Beauty for you. She was -young when I saw her last; but I hear she's grown extremely -handsome.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Don't you be jealous now, for I shall gaze upon -her too.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Berinthia</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Ha! By Heavens, the very Woman!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> [<em>Saluting Aman.</em>] Dear <em>Amanda</em>, I did not expect -to meet with you in Town.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Sweet Cousin, I'm overjoy'd to see you. [<em>To -Lov.</em>] Mr. <em>Loveless</em>, here's a Relation and a Friend of -mine, I desire you'll be better acquainted with.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> [<em>Saluting Ber.</em>] If my Wife never desires a harder -thing, Madam, her Request will be easily granted.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> [<em>To Aman.</em>] I think, Madam, I ought to wish -you Joy.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Joy! Upon what?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Upon your Marriage: You were a Widow when -I saw you last.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> You ought rather, Madam, to wish me Joy -upon that, since I am the only Gainer.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> If she has got so good a Husband as the World -reports, she has gain'd enough to expect the Compliment -of her Friends upon it.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> If the World is so favourable to me, to allow I -deserve that Title, I hope 'tis so just to my Wife, to -own I derive it from her.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Sir, it is so just to you both, to own you are, and -deserve to be, the happiest Pair that live in it.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> I'm afraid we shall lose that Character, Madam, -whenever you happen to change your Condition.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Ser.</em> Sir, my Lord <em>Foppington</em> presents his humble Service -to you, and desires to know how you do. He but -just now heard you were in Town. He's at the next -Door; and if it be not inconvenient, he'll come and -wait upon you.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Lord <em>Foppington</em>!—I know him not.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Not his Dignity, perhaps, but you do his Person. -'Tis Sir <em>Novelty</em>; he has bought a Barony, in order -to marry a great Fortune: His Patent has not been -pass'd above eight-and-forty-Hours, and he has already -sent How do-ye's to all the Town, to make 'em acquainted -with his Title.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Give my Service to his Lordship, and let him -know, I am proud of the Honour he intends me.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Ex.</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Ser.</em> Sure this Addition of Quality must have so improv'd -this Coxcomb, he can't but be very good Company for a -quarter of an Hour.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Now it moves my Pity more than my Mirth, -to see a Man whom Nature has made no Fool, be so -very industrious to pass for an Ass.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> No, there you are wrong, <em>Amanda</em>; you shou'd -never bestow your Pity upon those who take pains for -your Contempt; Pity those whom Nature abuses, but -never those who abuse Nature.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Besides, the Town wou'd be robb'd of one of its -chiefest Diversions, if it shou'd become a Crime to laugh -at a Fool.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> I could never yet perceive the Town inclin'd -to part with any of its Diversions, for the sake of their -being Crimes; but I have seen it very fond of some, I -think, had little else to recommend 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> I doubt, <em>Amanda</em>, you are grown its Enemy, -you speak with so much warmth against it.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> I must confess I am not much its Friend.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Then give me leave to make you mine, by not -engaging in its Quarrel.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> You have many stronger Claims than that, <em>Berinthia</em>, -whenever you think fit to plead your Title.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> You have done well to engage a Second, my -Dear; for here comes one will be apt to call you to an -Account for your Country Principles.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lord</em> Foppington. -</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> [<em>To Lov.</em>] Sir, I am your most humble Servant.</p> - -<p><em>Lav.</em> I wish you Joy, my Lord.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> O Laird, Sir——Madam, your Ladyship's -welcome to Tawn.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> I wish your Lordship Joy.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> O Heavens, Madam——</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> My Lord, this young Lady is a Relation of my -Wife's.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> [<em>Saluting her.</em>] The beautifullest Race of People -upon Earth, Rat me. Dear <em>Loveless</em>, I am overjoy'd -to see you have brought your Family to Tawn again:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> -I am, stap my Vitals—[<em>Aside.</em>] For I design to lie -with your Wife. [<em>To Aman.</em>] Far Gad's sake, Madam, -haw has your Ladyship been able to subsist thus long, -under the Fatigue of a Country Life?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> My life has been very far from that, my Lord, -it has been a very quiet one.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Why that's the Fatigue I speak of, Madam: -For 'tis impossible to be quiet, without thinking: Now -thinking is to me the greatest Fatigue in the World.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Does not your Lordship love reading then?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Oh, passionately, Madam——But I never -think of what I read.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Why, can your Lordship read without thinking?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> O Lard——Can your Ladyship pray without -Devotion——Madam?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Well, I must own I think Books the best Entertainment -in the World.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> I am so much of your Ladyship's Mind, -Madam, that I have a private Gallery, where I walk -sometimes, is furnished with nothing but Books and -Looking-glasses. Madam, I have gilded them, and -rang'd 'em, so prettily, before Gad, it is the most entertaining -thing in the World to walk and look upon 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Nay, I love a neat Library too; but 'tis, -I think, the inside of a Book shou'd recommend it most -to us.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> That, I must confess, I am not altogether -so fand of. Far to my mind the Inside of a Book, is to -entertain one's self with the forc'd Product of another -Man's Brain. Naw I think a Man of Quality and Breeding -may be much diverted with the natural Sprauts of -his own. But to say the truth, Madam, let a Man love -reading never so well, when once he comes to know -this Tawn, he finds so many better ways of passing away -the Four-and-twenty Hours, that 'twere ten thousand -Pities he shou'd consume his time in that. Far example, -Madam, my Life; my Life, Madam, is a perpetual -Stream of Pleasure, that glides thro' such a Variety of -Entertainments, I believe the wisest of our Ancestors -never had the least Conception of any of 'em.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p> - -<p>I rise, Madam, about ten o'clock. I don't rise sooner, -because 'tis the worst thing in the World for the -Complection; nat that I pretend to be a Beau; but a -Man must endeavour to look wholesome, lest he make -to nauseous a Figure in the Side-bax, the Ladies shou'd -be compell'd to turn their eyes upon the Play. So at -Ten o'clock, I say, I rise. Naw, if I find it a good -Day, I resalve to take a Turn in the Park, and see the -fine Women; so huddle on my Clothes, and get dress'd -by One. If it be nasty Weather, I take a Turn in the -Chocolate-house; where, as you walk, Madam, you -have the prettiest Prospect in the World; you have -Looking-glasses all round you——But I'm afraid I -tire the Company.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Not at all. Pray go on.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Why then, Ladies, from thence I go to -Dinner at <em>Lacket</em>'s, and there you are so nicely and delicately -serv'd, that, stap my Vitals, they can compose -you a Dish, no bigger than a Saucer, shall come to fifty -Shillings; between eating my Dinner, and washing -my Mouth, Ladies, I spend my time, till I go to the -Play; where, till Nine o'clock, I entertain myself with -looking upon the Company; and usually dispose of one -Hour more in leading them aut. So there's Twelve of -the Four-and-Twenty pretty well over. The other -Twelve, Madam, are disposed of in two Articles: In -the first Four I toast myself drunk, and in t'other Eight -I sleep myself sober again. Thus, Ladies, you see my -Life is an eternal raund O of Delights.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> 'Tis a heavenly one, indeed!</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> But, my Lord, you <em>Beaux</em> spend a great deal -of your Time in Intrigues: You have given us no Account -of them yet.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Soh, she wou'd enquire into my -Amours——That's Jealousy——She begins to be -in love with me. [<em>To Aman.</em>] Why, Madam——as -to time for my Intrigues, I usually make Detachments -of it from my other Pleasures, according to the Exigency. -Far your Ladyship may please to take notice, that those -who intrigue with Women of Quality, have rarely occa<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span>sion -for above half an Hour at a time: People of that -Rank being under those Decorums, they can seldom -give you a larger View, than will justly serve to shoot -'em flying. So that the Course of my other Pleasures is -not very much interrupted by my Amours.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> But your Lordship now is become a Pillar of the -State; you must attend the weighty Affairs of the Nation.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Sir——as to weighty Affairs——I leave -them to weighty Heads. I never intend mine shall be a -Burden to my Body.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> O, but you'll find the House will expect your -Attendance.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Sir, you'll find the House will compound -for my Appearance.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> But your Friends will take it ill if you don't attend -their particular Causes.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Not, Sir, if I come time enough to give -'em my particular Vote.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> But pray, my Lord, how do you dispose of -yourself on <em>Sundays</em>? for that, methinks, shou'd hang -wretchedly on your hands.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Why, faith, Madam——<em>Sunday</em>——is -a vile day, I must confess; I intend to move for -leave to bring in a Bill, That Players may work upon -it, as well as the Hackney Coaches. Tho' this I must -say for the Government, it leaves us the Churches to -entertain us——But then again, they begin so abominable -early, a Man must rise by Candle-light to get -dress'd by the Psalm.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Pray which Church does your Lordship most -oblige with your Presence?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Oh, St. <em>James</em>'s, Madam——There's much -the best Company.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Is there good Preaching too?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Why, faith, Madam——I can't tell. A -Man must have very little to do there, that can give an -Account of the Sermon.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> You can give us an Account of the Ladies, at -least.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Or I deserve to be excommunicated—There -is my Lady <em>Tattle</em>, my Lady <em>Prate</em>, my Lady <em>Titter</em>, my -Lady <em>Lear</em>, my Lady <em>Giggle</em>, and my Lady <em>Grin</em>. These -fit in the Front of the Boxes, and all Church-time are -the prettiest Company in the World, stap my Vitals. -[<em>To Aman.</em>] Mayn't we hope for the Honour to see your -Ladyship added to our Society, Madam?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Alas, my Lord, I am the worst Company in -the World at Church: I'm apt to mind the Prayers, or -the Sermon, or——</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> One is indeed strangely apt at Church to -mind what one should not do. But I hope, Madam, at -one time or other, I shall have the Honour to lead your -Ladyship to your Coach there. [<em>Aside.</em>] Methinks she -seems strangely pleas'd with every thing I say to her—'Tis -a vast pleasure to receive Encouragement from a -Woman before her Husband's Face——I have a good -mind to pursue my Conquest, and speak the thing -plainly to her at once—I'gad, I'll do't, and that in so -Cavalier a manner, she shall be surpriz'd at it—Ladies, -I'll take my Leave: I'am afraid I begin to grow -troublesome with the length of my Visit.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Your Lordship is too entertaining to grow -troublesome any where.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] That now was as much as if she -had said——Pray lie with me. I'll let her see I'm quick -of Apprehension. [<em>To Aman.</em>] O Lard, Madam, I had -like to have forgot a Secret, I must needs tell your Ladyship. -[<em>To Lov.</em>] Ned, you must not be so jealous now -as to listen.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Not I, my Lord; I'm too fashionable a Husband -to pry into the Secrets of my Wife.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> [<em>To Aman. squeezing her Hand.</em>] I am in love -with you to Desperation, strike me speechless.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> [<em>Giving him a Box o' th' Ear.</em>] Then thus I -return your Passion——An impudent Fool!</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Gad's Curse, Madam, I'm a Peer of the Realm.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Hey; what the Devil, do you affront my Wife, -Sir? Nay then—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>They draw and fight. The Women run shrieking for Help.</em></p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Ah! What has my Folly done? Help! Murder, -help! Part 'em, for Heaven's sake.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> [<em>Falling back, and leaning upon his Sword.</em>] -Ah——quite thro' the Body——Stap my Vitals.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Servants.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> [<em>Running to him.</em>] I hope I han't kill'd the Fool, -however——Bear him up! Where's your Wound?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Just thro' the Guts.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Call a Surgeon there: Unbutton him quickly.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Ay, pray make haste.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> This Mischief you may thank yourself for.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> I may so—Love's the Devil indeed, <em>Ned</em>.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Syringe</span> and Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Here's Mr. <em>Syringe</em>, Sir, was just going by the -Door.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> He's the welcomest Man alive.</p> - -<p><em>Syr.</em> Stand by, stand by, stand by. Pray, Gentlemen, -stand by. Lord have mercy upon us! Did you never -see a Man run thro' the Body before? Pray stand by.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Ah, Mr. <em>Syringe</em>.——I'm a dead Man.</p> - -<p><em>Syr.</em> A dead Man, and I by——I shou'd laugh to see -that, I'gad.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Pr'ythee don't stand prating, but look upon -his Wound.</p> - -<p><em>Syr.</em> Why, what if I won't look upon his Wound -this Hour, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Why then he'll bleed to Death, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Syr.</em> Why, then I'll fetch him to life again, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> 'Slife, he's run thro' the Guts, I tell thee.</p> - -<p><em>Syr.</em> Wou'd he were run thro' the Heart, I shou'd -get the more Credit by his Cure. Now I hope you are -satisfy'd?——Come, now let me come at him; now let -me come at him. [<em>Viewing his Wound.</em>] Oons, what a -Gash is here!—Why, Sir, a Man may drive a -Coach and Six Horses into your Body.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Ho——</p> - -<p><em>Syr.</em> Why, what the Devil, have you run the Gentleman -thro' with a Scythe?——[<em>Aside.</em>] A little Prick -between the Skin and the Ribs, that's all.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Let me see his Wound.</p> - -<p><em>Syr.</em> Then you shall dress it, Sir; for if any body -looks upon it, I won't.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Why, thou art the veriest Coxcomb I ever saw.</p> - -<p><em>Syr.</em> Sir, I am not Matter of my Trade for nothing.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Surgeon!</p> - -<p><em>Syr.</em> Well, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Is there any Hopes?</p> - -<p><em>Syr.</em> Hopes!—--I can't tell——What are you willing -to give for your Cure?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Five hundred Paunds with Pleasure.</p> - -<p><em>Syr.</em> Why then perhaps there may be Hopes. But we -must avoid further Delay. Here, help the Gentleman -into a Chair, and carry him to my House presently, -that's the properest place [<em>Aside.</em>] to bubble him out of -his Money. Come, a Chair, a Chair quickly—There, -in with him.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>They put him into a Chair.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Dear <em>Loveless</em>——Adieu. If I die——I forgive -thee; and if I live——I hope thou wilt do as much -by me. I am very sorry you and I shou'd quarrel; but -I hope here's an end on't, for if you are satisfy'd——I -am.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> I shall hardly think it worth my prosecuting -any farther, so you may be at rest, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Thou art a generous Fellow, strike me -dumb. [<em>Aside.</em>] But thou hast an impertinent Wife, stap -my Vitals.</p> - -<p><em>Syr.</em> So, carry him off, carry him off, we shall have -him prate himself into a Fever by and by; carry him -off.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Ex. <span class="antiqua">Serv.</span> with <span class="antiqua">L. Fop</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Now on my Knees, my Dear, let me ask your -pardon for my Indiscretion, my own I never shall obtain.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Oh, there's no harm done: You serv'd him well.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> He did indeed deserve it. But I tremble to -think how dear my indiscreet Resentment might have -cost you.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> O, no matter; never trouble yourself about that.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> For Heaven's sake, what was't he did to you?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> O nothing; he only squeez'd me kindly by -the Hand, and frankly offer'd me a Coxcomb's Heart.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span> -I know I was to blame to resent it as I did, since nothing -but a Quarrel could ensue. But the Fool so surpriz'd -me with his Insolence, I was not Mistress of my -Fingers.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Now I dare swear, he thinks you had 'em at -great Command, they obey'd you so readily.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Worthy</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Save you, save you, good People; I'm glad to -find you all alive; I met a wounded Peer carrying off. -For Heav'ns sake, what was the matter?</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> O, a Trifle: He would have lain with my Wife -before my Face, so she oblig'd him with a Box o'the -Ear, and I run him thro' the Body: That was all.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> <em>Bagatelle</em> on all sides. But, pray, Madam, how -long has this noble Lord been an humble Servant of -yours?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> This is the first I have heard on't. So I suppose -'tis his Quality, more than his Love, has brought -him into this Adventure. He thinks his Title an authentick -Passport to every Woman's Heart, below the -Degree of a Peeress.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> He's Coxcomb enough to think any thing. But -I wou'd not have you brought into Trouble for him: I -hope there's no Danger of his Life?</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> None at all: He's fallen into the Hands of a -roguish Surgeon, who I perceive designs to frighten a -little Money out of him. But I saw his Wound, 'tis nothing; -he may go to the Play to-night, if he pleases.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> I'm glad you have corrected him without farther -Mischief. And now, Sir, if these Ladies have no farther -Service for you, you'll oblige me if you can go to -the Place I spoke to you of t'other Day.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> With all my Heart. [<em>Aside.</em>] Tho' I cou'd wish, -methinks, to stay and gaze a little longer on that Creature. -Good God! How beautiful she is!—But what -have I to do with Beauty? I have already had my Portion, -and must not covet more. Come, Sir, when you -please.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>To</em> Wor.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Ladies, your Servant.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> -<em>Aman.</em> Mr. <em>Loveless</em>, pray one Word with you before -you go.</p> - -<p><em>Lov. <span class="antiqua">to</span> Wor.</em>] I'll overtake you, Sir: What wou'd -my Dear?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Only a Woman's foolish Question, How do -you like my Cousin here?</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Jealous already, <em>Amanda</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Not at all; I ask you for another Reason.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> <em>Aside.</em>] Whate'er her Reason be, I must not tell -her true. [<em>To Aman.</em>] Why, I confess she's handsome. -But you must not think I slight your Kinswoman, if I -own to you, of all the Women who may claim that -Character, she is the last wou'd triumph in my Heart.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> I'm satisfy'd.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Now tell me why you ask'd?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> At Night I will. Adieu.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> I'm yours. [<em>Kissing her.</em>]</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Lov.</em></p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] I'm glad to find he does not like her; -for I have a great mind to persuade her to come and live -with me. [<em>To Ber.</em>] Now, dear <em>Berinthia</em>, let me enquire -a little into your Affairs: for I do assure you, I -am enough your Friend, to interest myself in every -thing that concerns you.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> You formerly have given me such Proofs on't, I -shou'd be very much to blame to doubt it; I am sorry -I have no Secrets to trust you with, that I might convince -you how entire a Confidence I durst repose in you.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Why is it possible, that one so young and -beautiful as you, shou'd live and have no Secrets?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> What Secrets do you mean?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Lovers.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> O Twenty; but not one secret one amongst 'em. -Lovers in this Age have too much Honour to do any -thing under-hand; they do all above-board.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> That now, methinks, wou'd make me hate a -Man.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> But the Women of the Town are of another -mind: For by this means a Lady may, with the Expence -of a few Coquet Glances, lead twenty Fools about in a -String, for two or three Years together. Whereas, if she<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> -shou'd allow 'em greater Favours, and oblige 'em to Secrecy, -she wou'd not keep one of 'em a Fortnight.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> There's something indeed in That to satisfy -the Vanity of a Woman, but I can't comprehend how -the Men find their Account in it.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Their Entertainment, I must confess, is a Riddle -to me. For there's very few of them ever get farther -than a Bow and an Ogle. I have half a Score for my -share, who follow me all over the Town; and at the -Play, the Park, and the Church, do, with their Eyes, -say the violent'st things to me——But I never hear any -more of 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> What can be the Reason of that?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> One Reason is, They don't know how to go -farther. They have had so little Practice, they don't -understand the Trade. But besides their Ignorance, you -must know there is not one of my half-score Lovers but -what follows half a score Mistresses. Now their Affections -being divided amongst so many, are not strong -enough for any one, to make 'em pursue her to the -Purpose. Like a young Puppy in a Warren, they have -a Flirt at all, and catch none.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Yet they seem to have a Torrent of Love to -dispose of.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> They have so: But 'tis like the River of a Modern -Philosopher, whose Works, tho' a Woman, I have -read: it sets out with a violent Stream, splits in a thousand -Branches, and is all lost in the Sands.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> But do you think this River of Love runs all -its Course without doing any Mischief? Do you think it -overflows nothing?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> O yes; 'tis true, it never breaks into any body's -Ground that has the least Fence about it; but it overflows -all the Commons that lie in its way. And this is -the utmost Achievement of those dreadful Champions -in the Field of Love—the Beaux.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> But pr'ythee, <em>Berinthia</em>, instruct me a little -farther; for I am so great a Novice, I'm almost asham'd -on't. My Husband's leaving me whilst I was young and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span> -fond, threw me into that Depth of Discontent, that ever -since I have led so private and recluse a Life, my Ignorance -is scarce conceivable. I therefore fain would be -instructed: Not, Heaven knows, that what you call -Intrigues have any Charms for me: my Love and Principles -are too well fix'd. The practick Part of all unlawful -Love is——</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> O 'tis abominable: But for the Speculative—that -we must all confess is entertaining. The Conversation -of all the virtuous Women in the Town turns upon -that and new Clothes.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Pray be so just then to me, to believe, 'tis with -a World of Innocency I wou'd enquire, Whether you -think those Women we call Women of Reputation, do -really 'scape all other Men, as they do those Shadows -of 'em, the Beaux.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> O no, <em>Amanda</em>; there are a sort of Men make -dreadful Work amongst 'em: Men that may be call'd -The Beaux Antipathy; for they agree in nothing but -walking upon two Legs.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">These have Brains: The Beau has none.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">These are in Love with their Mistress: The Beau with himself.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">They take care of her Reputation: He's industrious to destroy it.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">They are decent: He's a Fop.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">They are sound: He's rotten.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">They are Men: He's an Ass.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> If this be their Character, I fancy we had here -e'en now a Pattern of 'em both.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> His Lordship and Mr. <em>Worthy</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> The same.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> As for the Lord, he's eminently so; And for the -other, I can assure you, there's not a Man in Town who -has a better Interest with the Women, that are worth -having an Interest with. But 'tis all private: He's like -a Back-stair Minister at Court, who, whilst the reputed -Favourites are sauntering in the Bed-chamber, is ruling -the Roast in the Closet.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> He answers then the Opinion I had ever of him.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> -Heavens! What a difference there is between a Man like -him, and that vain nauseous Fop, Sir <em>Novelty</em>! [<em>Taking -her Hand.</em>] I must acquaint you with a Secret, Cousin. -'Tis not that Fool alone has talked to me of Love, <em>Worthy</em> -has been tampering too: 'Tis true, he has done it -in vain: Not all his Charms or Art have power to shake -me. My Love, my Duty, and my Virtue, are such faithful -Guards, I need not fear my Heart shou'd e'er betray me. -But what I wonder at is this: I find I did not start at his -Proposal, as when it came from one whom I contemn'd. -I therefore mention this Attempt, that I may learn from -you whence it proceeds, that Vice, which cannot change -its Nature, shou'd so far change at least its Shape, as that -the self-same Crime propos'd from one shall seem a Monster -gaping at your Ruin, when from another it shall -look so kind, as tho' it were your Friend, and never meant -to harm you. Whence think you, can this Difference -proceed? For 'tis not Love, Heaven knows.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> O no; I wou'd not for the World believe it were. -But possibly, shou'd there a dreadful Sentence pass upon -you, to undergo the Rage of both their Passions; the -Pain you apprehend from one might seem so trivial to -the other, the Danger wou'd not quite so much alarm you.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Fy, fy, <em>Berinthia</em>! you wou'd indeed alarm me, -cou'd you incline me to a Thought, that all the Merit of -Mankind combin'd, cou'd shake that tender Love I bear -my Husband: No, he sits triumphant in my Heart, and -nothing can dethrone him.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> But shou'd he abdicate again, do you think you -shou'd preserve the vacant Throne ten tedious Winters -more, in hopes of his return?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Indeed I think I shou'd. Tho' I confess, after -those Obligations he has to me, shou'd he abandon me -once more, my Heart wou'd grow extremely urgent -with me to root him thence, and cast him out for ever.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Were I that thing they call a slighted Wife, -some Body shou'd run the risque of being that thing -they call—a Husband.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> O fy, <em>Berinthia</em>! No Revenge shou'd ever be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> -taken against a Husband: But to wrong his Bed is a -Vengeance, which of all Vengeance——</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Is the sweetest—ha, ha, ha! Don't I talk madly?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Madly indeed.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Yet I'm very innocent.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> That I dare swear you are. I know how to -make Allowances for your Humour: You were always -very entertaining Company; but I find since Marriage -and Widowhood have shewn you the World a little, you -are very much improv'd.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Alack a-day, there has gone more than -that to improve me, if she knew all.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> For Heaven's sake, <em>Berinthia</em>, tell me what -way I shall take to persuade you to come and live with -me?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Why, one way in the World there is——and -but one.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Pray which is that?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> It is to assure me—I shall be very welcome.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> If that be all, you shall e'en lie here to-night.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> To-night?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Yes, to-night.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Why, the People where I lodge will think me -mad.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Let 'em think what they please.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Say you so, <em>Amanda</em>? Why then they shall think -what they please: For I'm a young Widow, and I care -not what any body thinks. Ah, <em>Amanda</em>, it's a delicious -thing to be a young Widow.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> You'll hardly make me think so.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Phu, because you are in love with your Husband: -but that is not every Woman's Case.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> I hope 'twas yours, at least.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Mine, say ye? Now I have a great mind to tell -you a Lye, but I shou'd do it so aukwardly, you'd find -me out.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Then e'en speak the Truth.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Shall I?——Then after all, I did love him, -<em>Amanda</em>——as a Nun does Penance.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span> -<em>Aman.</em> Why did not you refuse to marry him, then?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Because my Mother wou'd have whipt me.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> How did you live together?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Like Man and Wife—asunder;</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">He lov'd the Country, I the Town.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He Hawks and Hounds, I Coaches and Equipage.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He Eating and Drinking, I Carding and Playing.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He the Sound of a Horn, I the Squeak of a Fiddle.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">We were dull Company at Table, worse a-bed.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Whenever we met, we gave one another the Spleen.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And never agreed but once, which was about lying alone.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> But tell me one thing truly and sincerely.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> What's that?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Notwithstanding all these Jars, did not his -Death at last extremely trouble you?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> O yes: Not that my present Pangs were so very -violent, but the After-pains were intolerable. I was forc'd -to wear a beastly Widow's Band a Twelvemonth for't.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Women, I find, have different Inclinations.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Women, I find, keep different Company. When -your Husband ran away from you, if you had fallen -into some of my Acquaintance, 'twou'd have sav'd you -many a Tear. But you go and live with a Grandmother, -a Bishop, and an old Nurse, which was enough -to make any Woman break her Heart for her Husband. -Pray, <em>Amanda</em>, if ever you are a Widow again, keep -yourself so as I do.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Why, do you then resolve you'll never marry?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> O, no; I resolve I will.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> How so?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> That I never may.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> You banter me.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Indeed I don't. But I consider I'm a Woman, -and form my Resolutions accordingly.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Well, my Opinion is, form what Resolution -you will, Matrimony will be the end on't.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Faith it won't.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> How do you know?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> I'm sure on't.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Why, do you think 'tis impossible for you to -fall in love?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> No.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Nay, but to grow so passionately fond, that -nothing but the Man you love can give you rest?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Well, what then?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Why, then you'll marry him.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> How do you know that?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Why, what can you do else?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Nothing—but sit and cry.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Psha.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Ah, poor <em>Amanda</em>, you have led a Country Life: -But if you'll consult the Widows of this Town, they'll -tell you, you shou'd never take a Lease of a House you -can hire for a Quarter's Warning.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-058.jpg" width="700" height="43" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_III2" id="ACT_III2"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> III.</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lord <span class="antiqua">Foppington</span> and Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">H</span>ey</span>, Fellow, let the Coach come to the -Door.</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Will your Lordship venture so soon to expose -yourself to the Weather?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Sir, I will venture as soon as I can, to expose -myself to the Ladies: tho' give me my Cloke, however; -for in that Side-bax, what between the Air that -comes in at the Door on one side, and the intolerable -Warmth of the Masks on t'other, a Man gets so many -Heats and Colds, 'twou'd destroy the Canstitution of a -Harse.</p> - -<p><em>Ser.</em> [<em>Putting on his Cloke.</em>] I wish your Lordship wou'd -please to keep House a little longer, I'm afraid your -Honour does not well consider your Wound.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> My Wound!—--I wou'd not be in -Eclipse another Day, tho' I had as many Wounds in my -Guts as I have had in my Heart.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Young Fashion</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Brother, your Servant. How do you -find yourself to-day?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> So well, that I have arder'd my Coach to -the Door: So there's no great Danger of Death this -baut, <em>Tam</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> I'm very glad of it.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> <em>aside.</em>] That I believe's a Lye. Pr'ythee, -<em>Tam</em>, tell me one thing: Did not your Heart cut a Caper -up to your Mauth, when you heard I was run thro' -the Bady?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Why do you think it shou'd?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Because I remember mine did so, when I -heard my Father was shat thro' the Head?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> It then did very ill.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Pr'ythee, why so?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Because he us'd you very well.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Well?—naw strike me dumb, he starv'd -me. He has let me want a Thausand Women for want -of a Thausand Paund.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Then he hindered you from making a -great many ill Bargains; for I think no Woman is worth -Money, that will take Money.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> If I were a younger Brother, I shou'd think -so too.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Why, is it possible you can value a Woman -that's to be bought?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Pr'ythee, why not as well as a Pad-Nag?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Because a Woman has a Heart to dispose -of; a Horse has none.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Look you, <em>Tam</em>, of all things that belang -to a Woman, I have an Aversion to her Heart; far -when once a Woman has given you her Heart——you -can never get rid of the rest of her Bady.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> This is strange Doctrine: But pray in -your Amours how is it with your own Heart?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Why, my Heart in my Amours——is -like——my Heart aut of my Amours; <em>a la glace</em>. My -Bady, <em>Tam</em>, is a Watch; and my Heart is the Pendulum<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> -to it; whilst the Finger runs raund to every Hour in the -Circle, that still beats the same time.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Then you are seldom much in love?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Never, Stap my Vitals.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Why then did you make all this Bustle -about <em>Amanda</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Because she was a Woman of an insolent -Virtue, and I thought myself piqu'd in Honour to debauch -her.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Very well. [<em>Aside.</em>] Here's a rare Fellow -for you, to have the spending of Five Thousand -Pounds a-year. But now for my Business with him. -[<em>To Lord Fop.</em>] Brother, tho' I know to talk of Business -(especially of Money) is a Theme not quite so entertaining -to you as that of the Ladies, my Necessities are -such, I hope you'll have patience to hear me.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> The greatness of your Necessities, <em>Tam</em>, is -the worst Argument in the Warld far your being patiently -heard. I do believe you are going to make a -very good Speech, but, strike me dumb, it has the worst -beginning of any Speech I have heard this Twelvemonth.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> I'm very sorry you think so.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> I do believe thou art. But come, let's -know thy Affair quickly; for 'tis a new Play, and I shall -be so rumpled and squeezed with pressing thro' the -Crawd, to get to my Servant, the Women will think -I have lain all Night in my Clothes.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Why then (that I may not be the Author -of so great a Misfortune) my Case in a Word is this: -The necessary Expences of my Travels have so much exceeded -the wretched Income of my Annuity, that I have -been forced to mortgage it for Five Hundred Pounds, -which is spent; so that unless you are so kind to assist me -in redeeming it, I know no Remedy but to take a Purse.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Why, Faith, <em>Tam</em>——to give you my Sense -of the thing, I do think taking a Purse the best Remedy -in the Warld; for if you succeed, you are reliev'd that -way; if you are taken——you are reliev'd t'other.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> I'm glad to see you are in so pleasant a -Humour, I hope I shall find the Effects on't.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Why, do you then really think it a reasonable -thing I should give you Five Hundred Paunds?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> I do not ask it as a Due, Brother, I am -willing to receive it as a Favour.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Thau art willing to receive it any haw, -strike me speechless. But these are damn'd times to give -Money in: Taxes are so great, Repairs so exorbitant, -Tenants such Rogues, and Perriwigs so dear, that the -Devil take me, I'm reduc'd to that extremity in my -Cash, I have been farc'd to retrench in that one Article -of sweet Pawder, till I have braught it dawn to Five -Guineas a Manth. Naw judge, <em>Tam</em>, whether I can -spare you Five hundred Paunds?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> If you can't, I must starve, that's all, -[<em>Aside.</em>] Damn him.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> All I can say is, you should have been a -better Husband.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> 'Oons, if you can't live upon five thousand -a-year, how do you think I should do't upon two hundred?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Don't be in a Passion, <em>Tam</em>; far Passion is -the most unbecoming thing in the Warld——to the Face. -Look you, I don't love to say any thing to you to make -you melancholy; but upon this occasion I must take -leave to put you in mind, that a Running Horse does -require more Attendance, than a Coach-Horse. Nature -has made some difference 'twixt you and I.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Yes, she has made you older. [<em>Aside.</em>] -Pox take her.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> That is nat all. <em>Tam</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Why, what is there else?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> [<em>Looking first upon himself, then upon his Brother.</em>]——Ask -the Ladies.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Why, thou Essence Bottle, thou Musk-Cat, -dost thou then think thou hast any Advantage -over me, but what Fortune has given thee?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> I do——stap my Vitals.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Now, by all that's great and powerful, -thou art the Prince of Coxcombs.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Sir——I am praud of being at the Head of -so prevailing a Party.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Will nothing then provoke thee?—Draw, -Coward.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Look you, <em>Tam</em>, you know I have always -taken you for a mighty dull Fellow, and here is one of -the foolishest Plats broke out, that I have seen a long -time. Your Paverty makes your Life so burdensome -to you, you would provoke me to a Quarrel, in hopes -either to slip thro' my Lungs into my Estate, or to get -yourself run thro' the Guts, to put an end to your Pain. -But I will disappoint you in both your Designs; far with -the Temper of a Philasapher, and the Discretion of a -Statesman—I will go to the Play with my Sword in -my Scabbard.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Lord Fop</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> So! Farewel, Snuff-Box. And now, Conscience, -I defy thee. <em>Lory!</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lory</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Here's rare News, <em>Lory</em>; his Lordship -has given me a Pill has purg'd off all my Scruples.</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> Then my Heart's at ease again: For I have been -in a lamentable Fright, Sir, ever since your Conscience -had the Impudence to intrude into your Company.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Be at peace, it will come there no more: -My Brother has given it a wring by the Nose, and I have -kick'd it down Stairs. So run away to the Inn; get the -Horses ready quickly, and bring them to old <em>Coupler</em>'s, -without a Moment's Delay.</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> Then, Sir, you are going straight about the Fortune.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> I am: away; fly, <em>Lory</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> The happiest Day I ever saw. I'm upon the -Wing already.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt several ways.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>A Garden</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Loveless</span> and Servant</em>. -</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Is my Wife within?</p> - -<p><em>Ser.</em> No, Sir, she has been gone out this -Half-hour.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> 'Tis well; leave me.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Solus.</em> -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Sure Fate has yet some Business to be done,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Before <em>Amanda</em>'s Heart and mine must rest;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Else, why amongst those Legions of her Sex,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Which throng the World,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Shou'd she pick out for her Companion<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The only one on Earth<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Whom Nature has endow'd for her undoing?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Undoing was't, I said——Who shall undo her?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Is not her Empire fix'd? Am I not hers?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Did she not rescue me, a groveling Slave,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">When, chain'd and bound by that black Tyrant Vice,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I labour'd in his vilest Drudgery?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Did she not ransom me, and set me free?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Nay, more:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">When by my Follies sunk<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To a poor tatter'd, despicable Beggar,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Did she not lift me up to envy'd Fortune?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Give me herself, and all that she possest?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Without a Thought of more Return,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Than what a poor repenting Heart might make her,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Han't she done this? And if she has,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Am I not strongly bound to love her for it?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To love her—Why, do I not love her then?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">By Earth and Heaven, I do!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Nay, I have Demonstration that I do:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For I would sacrifice my Life to serve her.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Yet hold——If laying down my Life<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Be Demonstration of my Love,<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span> -<span class="i0">What is't I feel in favour of <em>Berinthia</em>?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For shou'd she be in danger, methinks, I cou'd incline<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To risk it for her Service too; and yet I do not love her.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">How then subsists my Proof?—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">—O, I have found it out.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">What I would do for one, is Demonstration of my Love;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And if I'd do as much for t'other: it there is Demonstration<br /></span> -<span class="i0">of my Friendship——Ay——it must be so. I find<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I'm very much her Friend.—Yet let me ask myself one<br /></span> -<span class="i0">puzzling Question more:<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Whence springs this mighty Friendship all at once?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For our Acquaintance is of a later Date. Now Friendship's<br /></span> -<span class="i0">said to be a Plant of tedious Growth, its Root<br /></span> -<span class="i0">compos'd of tender Fibres, nice in their Taste, cautious<br /></span> -<span class="i0">in spreading, check'd with the least Corruption in the<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Soil, long ere it take, and longer still ere it appear to<br /></span> -<span class="i0">do so; whilst mine is in a Moment shot so high, and fix'd<br /></span> -<span class="i0">so fast, it seems beyond the Power of Storms to shake it.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I doubt it thrives too fast.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Musing.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Berinthia</span>.</em> -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">—Ah, she here!—Nay, then take heed, my Heart, for<br /></span> -<span class="i0">there are Dangers towards.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> What makes you look so thoughtful, Sir? I hope -you are not ill.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> I was debating, Madam, whether I was so or -not; and that was it which made me look so thoughtful.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Is it then so hard a matter to decide? I thought -all People had been acquainted with their own Bodies, -tho' few People know their own Minds.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> What if the Distemper, I suspect, be in the Mind?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Why then I'll undertake to prescribe you a Cure.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Alas, you undertake you know not what.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> So far at least then allow me to be a Physician.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Nay, I'll allow you so yet farther: For I have -reason to believe, shou'd I put myself into your Hands, -you wou'd increase my Distemper.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Perhaps I might have Reasons from the College -not to be too quick in your Cure; but 'tis possible, I -might find ways to give you often Ease, Sir.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Were I but sure of that, I'd quickly lay my -Case before you.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Whether you are sure of it or no, what Risk -do you run in trying?</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> O, a very great one.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> How?</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> You might betray my Distemper to my Wife.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> And so lose all my Practice.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Will you then keep my Secret?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> I will, if it don't burst me.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Swear.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> I do.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> By what?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> By Woman.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> That's swearing by my Deity. Do it by your -own, or I shan't believe you.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> By Man then.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> I'm satisfy'd. Now hear my Symptoms, and -give me your Advice. The first were these:</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">When 'twas my Chance to see you at the Play,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A random Glance you threw, at first alarm'd me,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I cou'd not turn my Eyes from whence the Danger came:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I gaz'd upon you, till you shot again,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And then my Fears came on me.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My Heart began to pant, my Limbs to tremble,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My Blood grew thin, my Pulse beat quick,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My Eyes grew hot and dim, and all the Frame of Nature<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Shook with Apprehension.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">'Tis true, some small Recruits of Resolution<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My Manhood brought to my Assistance,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And by their Help I made a Stand a while,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But found at last your Arrows flew so thick,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">They cou'd not fail to pierce me;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">So left the Field,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And fled for shelter to <em>Amanda</em>'s Arms.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">What think you of these Symptoms, pray?<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Feverish every one of 'em. -But what Relief pray did your Wife afford you?</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Why, instantly she let me Blood, which for the -present much assuag'd my Flame. But when I saw you,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span> -out it burst again, and rag'd with greater Fury than before. -Nay, since you now appear, 'tis so increas'd, that -in a Moment, if you do not help me, I shall, whilst you -look on, consume to Ashes.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Taking hold of her Hand.</em></p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> [<em>Breaking from him.</em>] O Lard, let me go: 'Tis -the Plague, and we shall all be infected.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> [<em>Catching her in his Arms, and kissing her.</em>] Then -we'll die together, my charming Angel.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> O Ged——the Devil's in you. -Lard, let me go, here's somebody coming.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Sir, my Lady's come home, and desires to speak -with you: She's in her Chamber.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Tell her I'm coming.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Serv.</em></p> - -<p><em>To Ber.</em> But before I go, one Glass of Nectar more -to drink her Health.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Stand off, or I shall hate you, by Heavens!</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> [<em>Kissing her.</em>] In Matters of Love, a Woman's -Oath is no more to be minded than a Man's.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Um——</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Worthy</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Ha! What's here? my old Mistress, and so -close, I'faith! I wou'd not spoil her Sport for the Universe.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>He retires.</em></p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> O Ged——Now do I pray to Heaven, [<em>Exit -<span class="antiqua">Loveless</span> running.</em>] with all my Heart and Soul, that the -Devil in Hell may take me, if ever——I was better -pleas'd in my Life—This Man has bewitch'd me, that's -certain. [<em>Sighing.</em>] Well, I am condemn'd, but, Thanks -to Heaven, I feel myself each Moment more and more -prepar'd for my Execution—Nay, to that degree, I don't -perceive I have the least fear of Dying. No, I find, let -the Executioner be but a Man, and there's nothing will -suffer with more Resolution than a Woman. Well, I never -had but one Intrigue yet: But I confess I long to -have another. Pray Heaven it end as the first did tho', -that we may both grow weary at a time; for 'tis a melancholy -thing for Lovers to outlive one another.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Worthy</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] This Discovery's a lucky one, I hope to -make a happy use on't. That Gentlewoman there is no -Fool; so I shall be able to make her understand her Interest. -[<em>To</em> Ber.] Your Servant, Madam; I need not -ask you how you do, you have got so good a Colour.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> No better than I us'd to have, I suppose.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> A little more Blood in your Cheeks.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> The Weather's hot.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> If it were not, a Woman may have a Colour.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> What do you mean by that?</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Nothing.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Why do you smile then?</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Because the Weather's hot.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> You'll never leave roguing, I see that.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> [<em>Putting his Finger to his Nose.</em>] You'll never -leave——I see that.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Well, I can't imagine what you drive at. Pray -tell me what you mean?</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Do you tell me, it's the same thing.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> I can't.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Guess!</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> I shall guess wrong.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Indeed you won't.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Psha! either tell, or let it alone.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Nay, rather than let it alone, I will tell. But -first I must put you in mind that, after what has past -'twixt you and I, very few things ought to be Secrets -between us.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Why what Secrets do we hide? I know of none.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Yes, there are two; one I have hid from you, -and t'other you wou'd hide from me. You are fond of -<em>Loveless</em>, which I have discover'd; and I am fond of his -Wife——</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Which I have discover'd.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Very well; now I confess your Discovery to be -true, what do you say to mine?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Why, I confess——I wou'd swear 'twere -false, if I thought you were Fool enough to believe me.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Now am I almost in Love with you again. Nay, -I don't know but I might be quite so, had I made one -short Campaign with <em>Amanda</em>. Therefore, if you find -'twould tickle your Vanity, to bring me down once -more to your Lure, e'en help me quickly to dispatch her -Business, that I may have nothing else to do, but to -apply myself to yours.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Do you then think, Sir, I am old enough to be -a Bawd?</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> No, but I think you are wise enough to——</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> To do what?</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> To hoodwink <em>Amanda</em> with a Gallant, that she -mayn't see who is her Husband's Mistress.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] He has reason: The Hint's a good one.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Well, Madam, what think you on't?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> I think you are so much a deeper Politician in -these Affairs than I am, that I ought to have a very -great regard to your Advice.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Then give me leave to put you in mind, that -the most easy, safe, and pleasant Situation for your own -Amour, is the House in which you now are; provided -you keep <em>Amanda</em> from any sort of Suspicion. That the -way to do that, is to engage her in an Intrigue of her -own, making yourself her Confidante. And the way to -bring her to intrigue, is to make her jealous of her -Husband in a wrong place; which the more you foment, -the less you'll be suspected. This is my Scheme, in short; -which if you follow as you shou'd do, (my dear <em>Berinthia</em>) -we may all four pass the Winter very pleasantly.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Well, I could be glad to have nobody's Sins to -answer for but my own. But where there is a Necessity—</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Right! as you say, where there is a Necessity, a -Christian is bound to help his Neighbour. So, good -<em>Berinthia</em>, lose no time, but let us begin the Dance as -fast as we can.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Not till the Fiddles are in tune, pray, Sir. Your -Lady's Strings will be very apt to fly, I can tell you that, -if they are wound up too hastily. But if you'll have patience -to skrew them to a pitch by degrees, I don't doubt -but she may endure to be play'd upon.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Ay, and will make admirable Musick too, or -I'm mistaken; but have you had no private Closet Discourse -with her yet about Males and Females, and so -forth, which may give you hopes in her Constitution; -for I know her Morals are the Devil against us.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> I have had so much Discourse with her, that I -believe were she once cur'd of her fondness to her Husband, -the Fortress of her Virtue wou'd not be so impregnable -as she fancies.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> What! she runs, I'll warrant you, into that -common Mistake of fond Wives, who conclude themselves -virtuous, because they can refuse a Man they -don't like, when they have got one they do.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> True, and there I think 'tis a presumptuous -thing in a Woman to assume the Name of Virtuous, till -she has heartily hated her Husband, and been soundly -in love with somebody else. Whom if she has withstood—then—much -good may it do her!</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Well, so much for her Virtue. Now, one word -of her Inclinations, and every one to their Post. What -Opinion do you find she has of me?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> What you cou'd wish; she thinks you handsome -and discreet.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Good, that's thinking half Seas over. One -Tide more brings us into Port.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Perhaps it may, tho' still remember, there's a -difficult Bar to pass.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> I know there is, but I don't question I shall get -well over it, by the help of such a Pilot.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> You may depend upon your Pilot, she'll do the -best she can; so weigh Anchor, and be gone as soon as -you please.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> I'm under Sail already. Adieu.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Wor</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> <em>Bon Voyage.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Sola.</em> -</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>So, here's fine Work. What a Business have I undertaken! -I'm a very pretty Gentlewoman, truly; but there -was no avoiding it: He'd have ruin'd me, if I had refus'd -him. Besides, faith, I begin to fancy there may be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> -as much pleasure in carrying on another body's Intrigue, -as one's own. This at least is certain, it exercises almost -all the entertaining Faculties of a Woman: For -there's employment for Hypocrisy, Invention, Deceit, -Flattery, Mischief, and Lying.</p></div> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Amanda</span>, her Woman following her.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Wom.</em> If you please, Madam, only to say, whether -you'll have me to buy 'em or not.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Yes, no, go fiddle; I care not what you do. -Pr'ythee leave me.</p> - -<p><em>Wom.</em> I have done.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Wom.</em></p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> What in the Name of <em>Jove</em>'s the matter with you?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> The matter, <em>Berinthia</em>! I'm almost mad, I'm -plagu'd to death.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Who is it that plagues you?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Who do you think shou'd plague a Wife, but -her Husband?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> O ho, is it come to that? We shall have you -wish yourself a Widow by and by.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Wou'd I were any thing but what I am! A base -ungrateful Man, after what I have done for him, to use -me thus!</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> What, he has been ogling now, I'll warrant you?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Yes, he has been ogling.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> And so you are jealous? Is that all?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> That all! Is jealousy then nothing?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> It shou'd be nothing, if I were in your Case.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Why, what wou'd you do?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> I'd cure myself.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> How?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Let Blood in the fond Vein: Care as little for -my Husband as he did for me.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> That would not stop his Course.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Nor nothing else, when the Wind's in the warm -Corner. Look you, <em>Amanda</em>, you may build Castles in -the Air, and fume, and fret, and grow thin and lean, -and pale and ugly, if you please. But I tell you, no -Man worth having is true to his Wife, or can be true to -his Wife, or ever was, or ever will be so.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Do you then really think he's false to me? for -I did but suspect him.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Think so? I know he's so.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Is it possible? Pray tell me what you know.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Don't press me then to name Names; for that I -have sworn I won't do.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Well, I won't; but let me know all you can -without Perjury.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> I'll let you know enough to prevent any wise -Woman's dying of the Pip; and I hope you'll pluck up -your Spirits, and shew, upon occasion, you can be as -good a Wife as the best of 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Well, what a Woman, can do I'll endeavour.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> O, a Woman can do a great deal, if once she -sets her mind to it. Therefore pray don't stand trifling -any longer, and teasing yourself with this and that, and -your Love and your Virtue, and I know not what. But -resolve to hold up your Head, get a tiptoe, and look -over them all; for to my certain knowledge your husband -is a pickering elsewhere.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> You are sure on't?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Positively, he fell in love at the Play.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Right, the very same; do you know the ugly -thing?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Yes, I know her well enough; but she's no such -ugly thing, neither.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Is she very handsome?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Truly I think so.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Hey-ho!</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> What do you sigh for now?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Oh my Heart!</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Only the Pangs of Nature! she's in Labour -of her Love; Heaven send her a quick Delivery! -I'm sure she has a good Midwife.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> I'm very ill, I must go to my Chamber; -Dear <em>Berinthia</em>, don't leave me a Moment.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> No, don't fear. [<em>Aside.</em>] I'll see you safe -brought-to-bed, I'll warrant you.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt, <span class="antiqua">Amanda</span> leaning upon <span class="antiqua">Berinthia</span>.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>A Country-House</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Young</span> Fashion and <span class="antiqua">Lory</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> So, here's our Inheritance, <em>Lory</em>, if we -can but get into Possession. But, methinks, -the Seat of our Family looks like <em>Noah</em>'s Ark, -as if the chief part on't were design'd for the Fowls of -the Air, and the Beasts of the Field.</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> Pray, Sir, don't let your Head run upon the Orders -of Building here; get but the Heiress, let the Devil -take the House.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Get but the House, let the Devil take the -Heiress, I say; at least if she be as old <em>Coupler</em> describes -her. But come, we have no time to squander. Knock at -the Door. [Lory <em>knocks two or three times.</em>] What the Devil, -have they got no Ears in this House? Knock harder.</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> I'gad, Sir, this will prove some inchanted Castle; -we shall have the Giant come out by and by with his -Club, and beat our Brains out.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Knocks again.</em></p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Hush! they come.</p> - -<p><em>From within.</em>] Who is there?</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> Open the Door and see: Is that your Country -Breeding?</p> - -<p><em>Within.</em> Ay, but two Words to a Bargain: <em>Tummus</em>, -is the Blunderbuss prim'd?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Oons, give 'em good Words, <em>Lory</em>; we -shall be shot here a Fortune-catching.</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> I'gad, Sir, I think y'are in the right on't. Ho, -Mr. What d'ye-call-um.—[<em>Servant appears at the Window -with a Blunderbuss.</em>] Weal naw, what's yar Business?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Nothing, Sir, but to wait upon Sir <em>Tunbelly</em>, -with your leave.</p> - -<p><em>Ser.</em> To weat upon Sir <em>Tunbelly</em>? Why, you'll find -that's just as Sir <em>Tunbelly</em> pleases.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> But will you do me the Favour, Sir, to -know whether Sir <em>Tunbelly</em> pleases or not?</p> - -<p><em>Ser.</em> Why, look you, do you see, with good Words, -much may be done. <em>Ralph</em>, go thy weas, and ask Sir<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> -<em>Tunbelly</em> if he pleases to be waited upon. And, do'st -hear? call to Nurse, that she may lock up Miss <em>Hoyden</em> -before the Gates open.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> D'ye hear that, <em>Lory</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> Ay, Sir, I'm afraid we shall find a difficult Jobb -on't. Pray Heaven that old Rogue <em>Coupler</em> han't sent -us to fetch Milk out of the Gunroom!</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> I'll warrant thee all will go well: See; -the Door opens.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Sir <span class="antiqua">Tunbelly</span>, with his Servants arm'd with -Guns, Clubs, Pitchforks, Scythes, <span class="antiqua">&c.</span></em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> [<em>Running behind his Master.</em>] O Lord, O Lord, O -Lord, we are both dead Men!</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Take heed, Fool, thy Fear will ruin us.</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> My Fear, Sir—'Sdeath, Sir, I fear nothing. [<em>Aside.</em>] -Wou'd I were well up to the Chin in a Horse-Pond!</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Who is it here has any Business with me?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Sir, 'tis I, if your Name be Sir <em>Tunbelly -Clumsey</em>.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Sir, my Name is Sir <em>Tunbelly Clumsey</em>, whether -you have any Business with me or not. So you see -I am not asham'd of my Name—nor my Face—neither.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Sir, you have no cause, that I know of.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Sir, if you have no cause neither, I desire to -know who you are; for till I know your Name, I shall -not ask you to come into my House; and when I know -your Name—'tis six to four I don't ask you neither.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> [<em>Giving him a Letter.</em>] Sir, I hope you'll -find this Letter an Authentick Passport.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> God's my life, I ask your Lordship's Pardon -ten thousand times. [<em>To his Servant.</em>] Here, run -in a-doors quickly: Get a Scotch-Coal Fire in the -great Parlour; set all the Turkey-work-Chairs in their -places; get the great Brass Candlesticks out; and be sure -stick the Sockets full of Laurel; run. [<em>Turning to <span class="antiqua">Young -Fash</span>.</em>] My Lord, I ask your Lordship's pardon. [<em>To -other Servants.</em>] And do you hear, run away to Nurse, -bid her let Miss <em>Hoyden</em> loose again, and if it was not -shifting Day, let her put on a clean Tucker—quick!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt Servants confusedly.</em></p> - -<p><em>To</em> Young Fash.] I hope your Honour will excuse the -disorder of my Family; we are not us'd to receive Men -of your Lordship's great Quality every day; pray where -are your Coaches and Servants, my Lord?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Sir, that I might give you and your fair -Daughter a proof how impatient I am to be nearer akin -to you, I left my Equipage to follow me, and came -away Post with only one servant.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Your Lordship does me too much Honour. -It was exposing your Person to too much Fatigue and -Danger, I protest it was; but my Daughter shall endeavour -to make you what amends she can; and tho' I -say it, that shou'd not say it—<em>Hoyden</em> has Charms.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Sir, I am not a Stranger to them, tho' I -am to her. Common Fame has done her Justice.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> My Lord, I am common Fame's very grateful -humble Servant. My Lord——my Girl's young: -<em>Hoyden</em> is young, my Lord; but this I must say for her, -what she wants in Art, she has by Nature; what she -wants in Experience, she has in Breeding; and what's -wanting in her Age, is made good in her Constitution. -So pray, my Lord, walk in; pray, my Lord, walk in.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Sir, I wait upon you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Miss <span class="antiqua">Hoyden</span> sola.</em> -</p> - -<p>Sure never no body was us'd as I am. I know well -enough what other Girls do, for all they think to make -a Fool of me: It's well I have a Husband a coming, or -I'cod, I'd marry the Baker, I wou'd so. No body can -knock at the Gate, but presently I must be lockt up; -and here's the young Greyhound Bitch can run loose -about the House all the day long, she can; 'tis very -well.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Nurse <span class="antiqua">without</span>, opening the Door.</em> -</p> - -<p class="center">Miss <em>Hoyden</em>! Miss, Miss, Miss! Miss <em>Hoyden</em>! -</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Nurse</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Well, what do you make such a Noise for, ha! -What do you din a body's Ears for? Can't one be at -quiet for you?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> What do I din your Ears for? Here's one -come will din your Ears for you.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> What care I who's come? I care not a Fig who -comes, nor who goes, as long as I shall be lockt up like -the Ale-Cellar.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> That, Miss, is for fear you shou'd be drank -before you are ripe.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> O, don't you trouble your Head about that; -I'm as ripe as you, tho' not so mellow.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Very well; now I have a good mind to lock -you up again, and not let you see my Lord to-night.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> My Lord! Why, is my Husband come?</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Yes, marry is he, and a goodly Person too.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> [<em>Hugging Nurse.</em>] O my dear <em>Nurse</em>, forgive, me -this once, and I'll never misuse you again; no, if I -do, you shall give me three thumps on the Back, and a -great pinch by the Cheek.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Ah the poor Thing, see how it melts; it's as -full of Good-Nature as an Egg's full of Meat.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> But, my dear Nurse, don't lie now; is he -come, by your troth?</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Yes, by my truly, is he.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> O Lord! I'll go and put on my lac'd Smock, -tho' I am whipt till the Blood run down my Heels for't.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit running.</em></p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Eh——the Lord succour thee, how thou art delighted!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit after her.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Sir <span class="antiqua">Tunbelly</span> and <span class="antiqua">Young Fashion</span>. A Servant -with Wine.</em> -</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> My Lord, I'm proud of the Honour to see -your Lordship within my Doors: and I humbly crave -leave to bid you welcome in a Cup of Sack Wine.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Sir, to your Daughter's Health.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Drinks.</em></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Ah poor Girl, she'll be fear'd out of her -Wits on her Wedding Night; for, honestly speaking, -she does not know a Man from a Woman, but by his -Beard, and his Breeches.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Sir, I don't doubt she has had a virtuous -Education, which, with the rest of her Merit, makes<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> -me long to see her mine. I wish you wou'd dispense -with the Canonical Hour, and let it be this very Night.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> O not so soon, neither; that's shooting my -Girl before you bid her stand. No, give her fair warning, -we'll sign and seal to-night if you please; and this -Day seven-night—let the Jade look to her Quarters.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> This Day seven-night——Why, what do -you take me for a Ghost, Sir? 'Slife, Sir, I'm made of -Flesh and Blood, and Bones and Sinews, and can no -more live a Week without your Daughter—than I can -live a Month with her.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Oh, I'll warrant you, my Hero; young -Men are hot, I know, but they don't boil over at that -rate, neither; besides, my Wench's Wedding Gown is -not come home yet.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> O, no matter, Sir; I'll take her in her -Shift. [<em>Aside.</em>] A Pox of this old Fellow, he'll delay -the Business till my damn'd Star finds me out, and discovers -me. [<em>To Sir <span class="antiqua">Tun.</span></em>] Pray, Sir, let it be done without -Ceremony; 'twill save Money.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Money——Save Money when <em>Hoyden</em>'s to -be marry'd? Udswoons, I'll give my Wench a Wedding-Dinner, -tho' I go to Grass with the King of <em>Assyria</em> for't; -and such a Dinner it shall be, as is not to be cook'd in -the poaching of an Egg. Therefore, my Noble Lord, -have a little Patience, we'll go and look over our Deeds -and Settlements immediately; and as for your Bride, -tho' you may be sharp-set before she's quite ready, I'll engage -for my Girl, she stays your Stomach at last.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-076.jpg" width="700" height="42" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_IV_SCENE_I2" id="ACT_IV_SCENE_I2"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> IV. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Miss <span class="antiqua">Hoyden</span> and <span class="antiqua">Nurse</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">W</span>ell</span>, Miss, how do you like your Husband -that is to be?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> O Lord, Nurse, I'm so overjoy'd, I can scarce -contain myself.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> O, but you must have a care of being too fond; -for Men now a-days hate a Woman that loves 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Love him! Why do you think I love him, -Nurse? I'cod, I would not care if he were hang'd, so -I were but once married to him——No——that which -pleases me, is to think what Work I'll make when I get -to <em>London</em>; for when I am a Wife and a Lady both, -Nurse, I'cod, I'll flant it with the best of 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Look, look, if his Honour be not a coming to -you; now if I were sure you wou'd behave yourself -handsomely, and not disgrace me that have brought -you up, I'd leave you alone together.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> That's my best Nurse, do as you wou'd be -done by; trust us together this once; and if I don't shew -my Breeding from the Head to the Foot of me, may I -be twice married, and die a Maid!</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Well, this once I'll venture you; but if you -disparage me——</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Never fear, I'll shew him my Parts, I'll warrant him.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Nurse</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Sola.</em> -</p> - -<p>These old Women are so wise when they get a poor -Girl into their Clutches; but ere it be long, I shall -know what's what, as well as the best of 'em.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Young Fashion</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Your Servant, Madam, I'm glad to find -you alone; for I have something of Importance to speak -to you about.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Sir, (my Lord, I meant) you may speak to -me about what you please, I shall give you a civil Answer.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> You give me so obliging a one, it encourages -me to tell you in few Words, what I think both -for your Interest and mine. Your Father, I suppose you -know, has resolv'd to make me happy in being your -Husband, and I hope I may depend upon your Consent, -to perform what he desires.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Sir, I never disobey my Father in any thing but -eating of green Gooseberries.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> So good a Daughter must needs be an -admirable Wife; I am therefore impatient till you are -mine, and hope you will so far consider the Violence of -my Love, that you won't have the Cruelty to defer my -Happiness so long as your Father designs it.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Pray, my Lord, how long is it?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Madam, a thousand Year——a whole -Week.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> A Week!—--why, I shall be an old Woman by -that time.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> And I an old Man, which you'll find -a greater Misfortune than t'other.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Why I thought it was to be to-morrow Morning, -as soon as I was up; I'm sure Nurse told me so.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> And it shall be to-morrow Morning still, -if you'll consent.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> If I'll consent! Why I thought I was to obey -you as my Husband.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> That's when we are married; till then, -I am to obey you.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Why then if we are to take it by turns, it's the -same thing: I'll obey you now, and when we are married, -you shall obey me.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> With all my heart; but I doubt we must -get Nurse on our side, or we shall hardly prevail with -the Chaplain.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> No more we shan't indeed, for he loves her better -than he loves his Pulpit, and wou'd always be a -preaching to her, by his good Will.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Why then, my dear little Bedfellow, if -you'll call her hither, we'll try to persuade her presently.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> O Lord, I can tell you a way how to persuade -her to any thing.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> How's that?</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Why tell her she's a wholesome, comely Woman——and -give her Half a Crown.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Nay, if that will do, she shall have half -a score of 'em.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> O Gemini, for half that she'd marry you herself: -I'll run and call her.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Miss</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Young Fashion</span> solus.</em> -</p> - -<p>So, Matters go swimmingly; this is a rare Girl, -i'faith; I shall have a fine time of it with her at <em>London</em>. -I'm much mistaken if she don't prove a <em>March</em> Hare all -the Year round. What a scampering Chace will she -make on't, when me finds the whole Kennel of Beaux at -her Tail! Hey to the <em>Park</em> and the Play, and the Church, -and the Devil; she'll shew them sport, I'll warrant -'em. But no matter, she brings an Estate will afford me -a separate Maintenance.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Miss</span> and <span class="antiqua">Nurse</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> How do you do, good Mistress Nurse? I -desir'd your young Lady would give me leave to see you, -that I might thank you for your extraordinary Care and -Conduct in her Education; pray accept of this small -Acknowledgement for it at present, and depend upon -my farther Kindness, when I shall be that happy thing -her Husband.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Gold by mackins! Your Honour's -Goodness is too great: alas! all I can boast of is, I gave -her poor good Milk, and so your Honour wou'd have -said, an you had seen how the poor thing suck't it——Eh, -God's blessing on the sweet Face on't! how it us'd -to hang at this poor Teat, and suck and squeeze, and -kick and sprawl it wou'd, till the Belly on't was so full, -it wou'd drop off like a Leech.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Miss</span> to <span class="antiqua">Nurse</span>, taking her angrily aside.</em></p> - -<p>Pray one word with you; pr'ythee, Nurse, don't stand -ripping up old Stories, to make one asham'd before one's -Love: do you think such a fine proper Gentleman as he -is, cares for a fiddlecome Tale of a draggle-tail'd Girl;, -if you have a mind to make him have a good Opinion -of a Woman, don't tell him what one did then, tell him -what one can do now. [<em>To</em> Young Fash.] I hope your -Honour will excuse my Mismanners to whisper before -you, it was only to give some orders about the Family.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> O every thing, Madam, is to give way -to Business; besides, good Housewifery is a very commendable -Quality in a young Lady.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Pray, Sir, are the young Ladies good Housewives -at London Town? Do they darn their own Linen?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> O no, they study how to spend Money, -not to save it.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> I'cod, I don't know but that may be better -Sport than t'other, ha, Nurse!</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Well, you shall have your Choice when -you come there.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Shall I——then by my troth I'll get there -as fast as I can.</p> - -<p><em>To Nurse.</em>] His Honour desires you'll be so kind, as to -let us be marry'd to-morrow.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> To-morrow, my dear Madam?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Yes, to-morrow, sweet Nurse, privately; -young Folks, you know, are impatient, and Sir <em>Tunbelly</em> -wou'd make us stay a Week for a Wedding-Dinner. -Now all things being sign'd and seal'd, and agreed, -I fancy there cou'd be no great harm in practising a -Scene or two of Matrimony in private, if it were only -to give us the better Assurance when we come to play it -in publick.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Nay, I must confess stolen Pleasures are sweet; -but if you shou'd be married now, what will you do -when Sir <em>Tunbelly</em> calls for you to be wedded?</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Why then we will be married again.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> What, twice, my Child?</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> I'cod, I don't care how often I'm married, -not I.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Pray, Nurse, don't you be against your -young Lady's good; for by this means she'll have the -pleasure of two Wedding-Days.</p> - -<p><em>Miss to Nurse softly.</em>] And of two Wedding-Nights -too, Nurse.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Well, I'm such a tender-hearted Fool, I find -I can refuse you nothing; so you shall e'en follow your -own Inventions.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Shall I? [<em>Aside.</em>] O Lord, I could leap over -the Moon.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Dear Nurse, this Goodness of yours -shan't go unrewarded; but now you must employ your -Power with Mr. <em>Bull</em> the Chaplain, that he may do his -friendly Office too, and then we shall be all happy; do -you think you can prevail with him?</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Prevail with him——or he shall never prevail -with me, I can tell him that.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> My Lord, she has had him upon the hip this -seven Year.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> I'm glad to hear it; however, to strengthen -your Interest with him, you may let him know I have -several fat Livings in my Gift, and that the first that -falls shall be in your Disposal.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Nay, then I'll make him marry more Folks, -than one, I'll promise him.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Faith, do, Nurse, make him marry you too; -I'm sure he'll do't for a fat Living; for he loves Eating -more than he loves his <em>Bible</em>; and I have often heard, -him say, a fat Living was the best Meat in the World.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Ay, and I'll make him commend the Sauce -too, or I'll bring his Gown to a Cassock, I will so.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Well, Nurse, whilst you go and settle -Matters with him, your Lady and I will go and take a -walk in the Garden.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> I'll do your Honour's Business in the catching -up of a Garter.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Nurse</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> [<em>Giving her his Hand.</em>] Come, Madam, -dare you venture yourself alone with me?</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> O dear, yes, Sir; I don't think you'll do any -thing to me I need be afraid on.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Amanda</span> and <span class="antiqua">Berinthia</span>.</em> -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i14">A SONG.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i18">I.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>I Smile at Love, and all its Arts,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i4"><em>The Charming</em> Cynthia <em>cry'd;</em><br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Take heed, for Love has piercing Darts,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i4"><em>A wounded Swain reply'd.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Once free and blest as you are now,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>I trifled with his Charms;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>I pointed at his little Bow,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>And sported with his Arms;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Till urg'd too far, Revenge he cries,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>A fated Shaft he drew;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>It took its passage thro your Eyes,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>And to my Heart it flew.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i20">II.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>To tear it thence I try'd in vain;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>To strive I quickly found</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Was only to increase the Pain,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>And to enlarge the Wound.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Ah! much too well, I fear, you know</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>What pain I'm to endure,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Since what your Eyes alone cou'd do,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Your Heart alone can cure.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And That (grant Heaven I may mistake)</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>I doubt is doom'd to bear</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>A Burden for another's sake,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Who ill rewards its Care.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Well, now, <em>Berinthia</em>, I'm at leisure to hear -what 'twas you had to say to me.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> What I had to say, was only to echo the Sighs -and Groans of a dying Lover.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Phu, will you never learn to talk in earnest of -any thing?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Why this shall be in earnest, if you please; for -my part, I only tell you Matter of Fact—you may take -it which way you like best; but if you'll follow the Women -of the Town, you'll take it both ways; for when -a Man offers himself to one of them, first she takes him -in jest, and then she takes him in earnest.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> I'm sure there's so much jest and earnest in -what you say to me, I scarce know how to take it; but -I think you have bewitched me, for I don't find it possible -to be angry with you, say what you will.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> I'm very glad to hear it, for I have no mind to -quarrel with you, for some Reasons that I'll not brag of;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span> -but quarrel or not, smile or frown, I must tell you what -I have suffer'd upon your account.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Upon my account!</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Yes, upon yours; I have been forc'd to sit still -and hear you commended for two Hours together, without -one Compliment to myself; now don't you think a -Woman has a blessed time of that?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Alas! I shou'd have been unconcern'd at it; I -never knew where the Pleasure lay of being prais'd by -the Men: but pray who was this that commended me so?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> One you have a mortal Aversion to—Mr. <em>Worthy</em>: -he us'd you like a Text, he took you all to pieces, -but spoke so learnedly upon every Point, one might see -the Spirit of the Church was in him: if you are a Woman, -you'd have been in an Extasy to have heard how -feelingly he handled your Hair, your Eyes, your Nose, -your Mouth, your Teeth, your Tongue, your Chin, -your Neck, and so forth. Thus he preach'd for an Hour; -but when he came to use an Application, he observ'd -that all these, without a Gallant, were nothing—Now -consider of what has been said, and Heaven give you -Grace to put it in practice!</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Alas! <em>Berinthia</em>, did I incline to a Gallant, -(which you know I do not) do you think a Man so nice -as he, cou'd have the least concern for such a plain unpolish'd -thing as I am? It is impossible!</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Now have you a great mind to put me upon -commending you.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Indeed that was not my Design.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Nay, if it were, it's all one, for I won't do't, -I'll leave that to your Looking-glass. But to shew you -I have some Good-nature left, I'll commend him, and -may be that may do as well.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> You have a great mind to persuade me I am in -love with him.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> I have a great mind to persuade you, you don't -know what you are in love with.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> I am sure I am not in love with him, nor never -shall be; so let that pass: but you were saying something -you wou'd commend him for.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> O, you'd be glad to hear a good Character of -him, however.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Psha.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Psha——Well, 'tis a foolish Undertaking -for Women in these kind of Matters, to pretend to deceive -one another——Have not I been bred a Woman -as well as you?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> What then?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Why then I understand my Trade so well, that -whenever I am told of a Man I like, I cry, Psha! But -that I may spare you the pains of putting me a second -time in mind to commend him, I'll proceed, and give you -this account of him: That tho' 'tis possible he may have -had Women with as good Faces as your Ladyship's, (no -Discredit to it neither) yet you must know your cautious -Behaviour, with that Reserve in your Humour, has given -him his Death's Wound; he mortally hates a Coquette; -he says 'tis impossible to love where he cannot esteem; and -that no Woman can be esteemed by a Man who has Sense, -if she makes herself cheap in the Eye of a Fool. That -Pride to a Woman, is as necessary as Humility to a Divine; -and that far-fetch'd, and dear bought, is Meat for -Gentlemen, as well as for Ladies——In short, that every -Woman who has Beauty may set a price upon herself, -and that by under-selling the Market they ruin the -Trade. This is his Doctrine, how do you like it?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> So well that, since I never intend to have a -Gallant for myself, if I were to recommend one to a -Friend, he shou'd be the Man.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Worthy</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Bless me, he's here! pray Heaven he did not hear me!</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> If he did, it won't hurt your Reputation; your -Thoughts are as safe in his Heart as in your own.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> I venture in at an unseasonable time of Night, -Ladies; I hope if I am troublesome, you'll use the -same freedom in turning me out again.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> I believe it can't be late, for Mr. <em>Loveless</em> is -not come home yet, and he usually keeps good Hours.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Madam, I'm afraid he'll transgress a little to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span>-night; -for he told me about half an Hour ago, he was -going to sup with some Company, he doubted would -keep him out till three or four o'clock in the Morning, -and desir'd I would let my Servant acquaint you with it, -that you might not expect him: But my Fellow's a -Blunder-head; so, lest he should make some mistake, I -thought it my Duty to deliver the Message myself.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> I'm very sorry he shou'd give you that trouble, -Sir: But——</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> But since he has, will you give me leave, Madam, -to keep him to play at Ombre with us?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Cousin, you know you command my House.</p> - -<p><em>Wor. to Ber.</em>] And, Madam, you know you command -me, tho' I'm a very wretched Gamester.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> O you play well enough to lose your Money, -and that's all the Ladies require; so without any more -Ceremony, let us go into the next Room and call for -the Cards.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> With all my heart.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Wor</span>. leading <span class="antiqua">Aman</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Ber. sola.</em> Well, how this Business will end, Heaven -knows; but she seems to me to be in as fair a way——as -a Boy is to be a Rogue, when he's put Clerk to an -Attorney.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Berinthia</span>.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, Berinthia's <em>Chamber</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Loveless</span> cautiously in the dark.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> So, thus for all's well. I'm got into her Bed-Chamber, -and I think nobody has perceiv'd -me steal into the House; my Wife don't expect me home -till four o'Clock; so if <em>Berinthia</em> comes to Bed by eleven, -I shall have a Chace of five Hours. Let me see, where -shall I hide myself? Under her Bed? No; we shall have -her Maid searching there for something or other; her -Closet's a better place, and I have a Master-Key will -open it: I'll e'en in there, and attack her just when she<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> -comes to her Prayers, that's the most like to prove her -critical Minute; for then the Devil will be there to assist -me.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>He opens the Closet, goes in, and shuts the door after him.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Berinthia</span> with a Candle in her hand.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Well, sure I am the best-natur'd Woman in the -World. I that love Cards so well (there is but one thing -upon the Earth I love better) have pretended Letters to -write, to give my Friends a <em>Tête-à-Tête</em>; however, I'm -innocent, for Picquet is the Game I set 'em to: at her -own peril be it, if she ventures to play with him at any -other. But now what shall I do with myself? I don't -know how in the World to pass my time; wou'd <em>Loveless</em> -were here to <em>badiner</em> a little! Well, he's a charming Fellow, -I don't wonder his Wife's so fond of him. What if -I shou'd set down and think of him till I fall asleep, and -dream of the Lord knows what? O, but then if I shou'd -dream we were married, I shou'd be frighted out of my -Wits. [<em>Seeing a Book.</em>] What's this Book? I think I -had best go read. <em>O Splenetique!</em> 'tis a Sermon. Well, -I'll go into my Closet, and read the <em>Plotting Sisters</em>. [<em>She -opens the Closet, sees <span class="antiqua">Loveless</span>, and shrieks out.</em>] O Lord, a -Ghost, a Ghost, a Ghost, a Ghost!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Loveless</span> running to her.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Peace, my Dear; it's no Ghost, take it in your -Arms, you'll find 'tis worth a hundred of 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Run in again; here's somebody coming.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Maid.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Maid.</em> O Lord, Madam, what's the matter?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> O Heav'ns! I'm almost frighted out of my -Wits. I thought verily I had seen a Ghost, and 'twas -nothing but the white Curtain, with a black Hood pinn'd -up against it; you may be gone again, I am the fearfullest -Fool.—</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Maid.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Re-enter <span class="antiqua">Loveless</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Is the Coast clear?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> The Coast clear! I suppose you are clear, you'd -never play such a Trick as this else.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> I am very well pleas'd with my Trick thus far, -and shall be so till I have play'd it out, if it ben't your -Fault: where's my Wife?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> At Cards.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> With whom?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> With <em>Worthy</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Then we are safe enough.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> You are so! Some Husbands wou'd be of another -mind, if he were at Cards with their Wives.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> And they'd be in the right on't too. But I dare -trust mine:——Besides, I know he's in love in another -place, and he's not one of those who court half a dozen -at a time.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Nay, the truth on't is, you'd pity him if you -saw how uneasy he is at being engag'd with us; but -'twas my Malice. I fancy'd he was to meet his Mistress -some where else, so did it to have the pleasure of seeing -him fret.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> What says <em>Amanda</em> to my staying abroad so late?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Why she's as much out of Humour as he, I believe -they wish one another at the Devil.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Then I'm afraid they'll quarrel at Play, and -soon throw up the Cards: [<em>Offering in pull her into her -Closet.</em>] Therefore, my dear charming Angel, let us -make good use of our time.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Heavens! what do you mean?</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Pray what do you think I mean?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> I don't know.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> I'll shew you.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> You may as well tell me.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> No, that wou'd make you blush worse than t'other.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Why, do you intend to make me blush?</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Faith, I can't tell that; but if I do, it shall be -in the dark.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Pulling her.</em></p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> O Heavens! I wou'd not be in the dark with -you for all the World.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> I'll try that.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Puts out the Candles.</em></p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> O Lord! are you mad! What shall I do for Light?</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> You'll do as well without it.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Why, one can't find a Chair to sit down?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Come into the Closet, Madam, there's Moonshine -upon the Couch.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Nay, never pull, for I will not go.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Then you must be carried.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Carrying her.</em></p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Help, help, I'm ravish'd, ruin'd, undone. O -Lord, I shall never be able to bear it.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Very softly.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Sir <span class="antiqua">Tunbelly</span>'s House</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Miss <span class="antiqua">Hoyden</span>, Nurse, <span class="antiqua">Young Fashion</span>, and <span class="antiqua">Bull</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> This quick dispatch of yours, Mr. -<em>Bull</em>, I take so kindly, it shall give -you a claim to my Favour as long as I live, I do assure -you.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> And to mine too, I promise you.</p> - -<p><em>Bull.</em> I most humbly thank your Honours; and I -hope, since it has been my Lot to join you in the holy -Bands of Wedlock, you will so well cultivate the Soil -which I have crav'd a Blessing on, that your Children -may swarm about you like Bees about a Honey-Comb.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> I'cod with all my Heart, the more the merrier, -I say; ha, Nurse.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lory</span>, taking his Master hastily aside.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> One Word with you, for Heaven's sake.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> What the Devil's the matter?</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> Sir, your Fortune's ruin'd, and I don't think your -Life's worth a quarter of an Hour's Purchase: Yonder's -your Brother arriv'd with two Coaches and six Horses, -twenty Footmen and Pages, a Coat worth fourscore -Pound, and a Perriwig down to his Knees: So judge -what will become of your Lady's Heart.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Death and Furies! 'tis impossible.</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> Fiends and Spectres! Sir, 'tis true.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Is he in the House yet?</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> No, they are capitulating with him at the Gate; -the Porter tells him, he's come to run away with <em>Miss -Hoyden</em>, and has cock'd the Blunderbuss at him; your<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> -Brother swears Gad Damme, they are a parcel of Clawns, -and he had a good mind to break off the Match; but -they have given the Word for Sir <em>Tunbelly</em>, so I doubt -all will come out presently. Pray, Sir, resolve what -you'll do this Moment, for I'gad they'll maul you.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Stay a little. [<em>To Miss.</em>] My Dear, here's -a troublesome Business my Man tells me of; but don't be -frighten'd, we shall be too hard for the Rogue. Here's -an impudent Fellow at the Gate (not knowing I was -come hither <em>incognito</em>) has taken my Name upon him, -in hopes to run away with you.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> O the Brazen-fac'd Varlet, it's well we are -married, or may be we might never have been so.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] I'gad, like enough: Pr'ythee, -dear Doctor, run to Sir <em>Tunbelly</em>, and stop him from -going to the Gate, before I speak with him.</p> - -<p><em>Bull.</em> I fly, my good Lord——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Bull</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> An't please your Honour, my Lady and I had -best lock ourselves up till the Danger be over.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Ay, by all means.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Not so fast, I won't be lock'd up any more. -I'm marry'd.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Yes, pray my Dear do, till we have -seiz'd this Rascal.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Nay, if you pray me, I'll do any thing.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt <span class="antiqua">Miss</span> and <span class="antiqua">Nurse</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> O! here's Sir <em>Tunbelly</em> coming. [<em>To</em> Lo.] -Hark you, Sirrah, things are better than you imagine; -the Wedding's over.</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> The Devil it is, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Not a Word, all's safe: But Sir <em>Tunbelly</em> -don't know it, nor must not yet; so I am resolv'd -to brazen the Business out, and have the Pleasure of -turning the Impostor upon his Lordship, which I believe -may easily be done.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Sir <span class="antiqua">Tunbelly</span>, <span class="antiqua">Chap.</span> and <span class="antiqua">Servants</span> arm'd.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Did you ever hear, Sir, of so impudent -an Undertaking?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Never, by the Mass, but we'll tickle him, -I'll warrant him.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> They tell me, Sir, he has a great many -People with him disguis'd like Servants.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Ay, ay, Rogues enow; but I'll soon raise -the Posse upon 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Sir, if you'll take my Advice, we'll go a -shorter way to work; I find, whoever this Spark is, he -knows nothing of my being privately here; so if you -pretend to receive him civilly, he'll enter without Suspicion; -and as soon as he is within the Gate, we'll whip -up the Drawbridge upon his Back, let fly the Blunderbuss -to disperse the Crew, and so commit him to Gaol.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> I'gad, your Lordship is an ingenious Person, -and a very great General; but shall we kill any of 'em, -or not?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> No, no, fire over their Heads only to -fright them; I'll warrant the Regiment scours when -the Colonel's a Prisoner.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Then come along, my Boys, and let your -Courage be great——for your Danger is but small.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>The Gate.</em></h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lord <span class="antiqua">Foppington</span> and <span class="antiqua">Followers</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> <span class="fauxcap">A</span> Pax of these Bumkinly People, will they -open the Gate, or do they desire I -shou'd grow at their Moat-side like a Willow? [<em>To the -Porter.</em>] Hey, Fellow—Pr'ythee do me the Favour, in -as few words as thou canst find to express thyself, to tell -me whether thy Master will admit me or not, that I may -turn about my Coach, and be gone.</p> - -<p><em>Por.</em> Here's my Master himself now at hand, he's of -Age, he'll give you his Answer.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Sir <span class="antiqua">Tunbelly</span>, and his Servants.</em> -</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> My most noble Lord, I crave your pardon -for making your Honour wait so long; but my Orders -to my servants have been to admit no body without my -Knowledge, for fear of some Attempts upon my Daughter, -the Times being full of Plots and Roguery.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Much Caution, I must confess, is a Sign -of great Wisdom: But, stap my Vitals, I have got a -Cold enough to destroy a Porter—He, hem—</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> I am very sorry for't, indeed, my Lord; -but if your Lordship please to walk in, we'll help you -to some brown Sugar-Candy. My Lord, I'll shew you -the way.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Sir, I follow you with pleasure.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>As Lord <span class="antiqua">Foppington</span>'s Servants go to follow him -in, they clap the Door against <span class="antiqua">La Varole</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Servants within.</em> Nay, hold you me there, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>La Var.</em> <em>Jernie, qu'est ce que veut dire ça?</em></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> [<em>Within.</em>]——Fire, Porter.</p> - -<p><em>Porter fires.</em>——Have among you, my Masters.</p> - -<p><em>La Var.</em> <em>Ah je suis mort</em>—</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>The servants all run off.</em></p> - -<p><em>Port.</em> Not one Soldier left, by the Mass.</p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> <em>changes into a Hall.</em></h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Sir <span class="antiqua">Tunbelly</span>, the <span class="antiqua">Chaplain</span> and <span class="antiqua">Servants</span>, with -Lord <span class="antiqua">Foppington</span> disarm'd.</em> -</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Come, bring him along, bring him along.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> What the Pax do you mean, -Gentlemen, is it Fair time, that you are all drunk before -Dinner?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Drunk, Sirrah! Here's an impudent Rogue -for you! Drunk or Sober, Bully, I'm a Justice of the -Peace, and know how to deal with Strolers.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Strolers!</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Ay, Strolers; come, give an account of yourself; -what's your Name? where do you live? Do you -pay Scot and Lot? Are you a <em>Williamite</em>, or a <em>Jacobite</em>? -Come.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> And why dost thou ask me so many impertinent -Questions?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Because I'll make you answer 'em before I -have done with you, you Rascal you.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Before Gad, all the Answer I can make -thee to 'em, is, that thou art a very extraordinary old -Fellow; stap my Vitals—</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Nay, if you are for joaking with Deputy-Lieutenants, -we know how to deal with you: Here, -draw a Warrant for him immediately.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> A Warrant——what the Devil is't thou -wou'dst be at, old Gentleman?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> I wou'd be at you, Sirrah, (if my Hands -were not ty'd as a Magistrate) and with these two double -Fists beat your Teeth down your Throat, you Dog -you.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> And why would'st thou spoil my Face at -that rate?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> For your Design to rob me of my Daughter, -Villain.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Rab thee of thy Daughter——Now I do -begin to believe I am a-bed and a-sleep, and that all -this is but a Dream—If it be, 'twill be an agreeable -Surprize enough, to waken by and by; and instead of -the impertinent Company of a nasty Country Justice, -find my self perhaps in the Arms of a Woman of Quality—[<em>To -Sir <span class="antiqua">Tun.</span></em>] Pr'ythee, old Father, wilt thou give -me leave to ask thee one Question?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> I can't tell whether I will or not, till I know -what it is.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Why, then, it is, whether thou didst not -write to my Lord <em>Foppington</em> to come down and marry -thy Daughter?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Yes, marry did I, and my Lord <em>Foppington</em> -is come down, and shall marry my Daughter before -she's a Day older.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Now give me thy Hand, dear Dad, I -thought we should understand one another at last.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> This Fellow's mad——here bind him Hand -and Foot.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>They bind him down.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Nay, pr'ythee, Knight, leave fooling, thy -Jest begins to grow dull.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Bind him, I say, he's mad——Bread and -Water, a dark Room, and a Whip, may bring him to his -Senses again.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] I'gad, if I don't waken quickly, by -all that I can see, this is like to prove one of the most -impertinent Dreams that ever I dreamt in my Life.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Miss</span> and <span class="antiqua">Nurse</span>.</em> [<em><span class="antiqua">Miss</span> going up to him.</em>] -</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Is this he that wou'd have run away with me? -Fough, how he stinks of sweets! Pray, Father, let him -be dragg'd through the Horse-Pond.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] This must be my Wife by her natural -Inclination to her Husband.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Pray, Father, what do you intend to do with -him? hang him?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> That at least, Child.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Ay, and it's e'en too good for him too.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] <em>Madame la Governante</em>, I presume, -hitherto this appears to me to be one of the most extraordinary -Families that ever Man of Quality match'd into.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> What's become of my Lord, Daughter?</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> He's just coming, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] My Lord——What does he mean -by that now?</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Young Fashion</span> and <span class="antiqua">Lory</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Seeing him.</em>] Stap my Vitals, <em>Tam</em>, now the Dream's out.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Is this the Fellow, Sir, that design'd to -trick me of your Daughter?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> This is he, my Lord, how do you like him? -Is not he a pretty Fellow to get a Fortune?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> I find by his Dress, he thought your -Daughter might be taken with a Beau.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> O Gemini! Is this a Beau? let me see him -again——ha! I find a Beau is no such ugly thing -neither.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> I'gad, she'll be in love with him presently; -I'll e'en have him sent away to Gaol. [<em>To</em> Lord Fop.] -Sir, tho' your Undertaking shews you are a Person of -no extraordinary Modesty, I suppose you han't Confidence -enough to expect much Favour from me.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Strike me dumb, <em>Tam</em>, thou art a very -impudent Fellow.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Look if the Varlet has not the Frontery to call -his Lordship plain <em>Thomas</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Bull.</em> The business is, he wou'd feign himself mad, -to avoid going to Gaol.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] That must be the Chaplain, by his -unfolding of Mysteries.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Come, is the Warrant writ?</p> - -<p><em>Cler.</em> Yes, Sir.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Give me the Pen, I'll sign it——So now, -Constable, away with him.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Hold one Moment——Pray, Gentlemen; -my Lord <em>Foppington</em>, shall I beg one Word with your -Lordship?</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> O ho, it's my Lord with him now; see how -Afflictions will humble Folks.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Pray, my Lord, don't let him whisper too -close, lest he bite your Ear off.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em>. I am not altogether so hungry, as your -Ladyship is pleased to imagine. [<em>To</em> Young Fash.] Look -you, <em>Tam</em>, I am sensible I have not been so kind to you -as I ought, but I hope you'll forget what's past, and -accept of the five thousand Pounds I offer; thou may'st -live in extreme Splendor with it; stap my Vitals.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> It's a much easier matter to prevent a -Disease than to cure it; a quarter of that Sum would -have secur'd your Mistress; twice as much won't redeem -her.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Leaving him.</em></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Well, what says he?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Only the Rascal offer'd me a Bribe to let -him go.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Ay, he shall go, with a Pox to him: Lead -on, Constable.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em>. One word more, and I've done.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Before Gad, thou art an impudent Fellow, -to trouble the Court at this rate, after thou art condemned; -but speak once for all.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Why then once for all; I have at last -luckily call'd to mind, that there is a Gentleman of this -Country, who I believe cannot live far from this place, -if he were here, would satisfy you, I am <em>Novelty</em>,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> -Baron of <em>Foppington</em>, with five thousand Pounds a year, -and that Fellow there a Rascal, not worth a Groat.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Very well; now who is this honest Gentleman -you are so well acquainted with. [<em>To</em> Young Fash.] -Come, Sir, we shall hamper him.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> 'Tis Sir <em>John Friendly</em>.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> So, he lives within half a Mile, and came -down into the Country but last Night; this bold-fac'd -Fellow thought he had been at <em>London</em> still, and so -quoted him; now we shall display him in his Colours: -I'll send for Sir <em>John</em> immediately. Here, Fellow, away -presently; and desire my Neighbour he'll do me -the favour to step over, upon an extraordinary Occasion; -and in the mean while you had best secure this -Sharper in the <em>Gate-House</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> An't please your Worship, he may chance to -give us the Slip thence: If I were worthy to advise, I -think the Dog-kennel's a surer Place.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> With all my heart, anywhere.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Nay, for Heaven's sake, Sir, do me the favour -to put me in a clean Room, that I mayn't daub -my Clothes.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> O when you have married my Daughter, her -Estate will afford you new ones: Away with him.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> A dirty Country Justice is a barbarous Magistrate, -stap my Vitals——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Constable with Lord <span class="antiqua">Foppington</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] I gad I must prevent this Knight's -coming, or the House will grow soon too hot to hold me.</p> - -<p><em>To</em> Sir <em>Tun.</em>] Sir, I fancy 'tis not worth while to trouble -Sir <em>John</em> upon this impertinent Fellow's Desire: I'll -send and call the Messenger back——</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Nay, with all my heart; for to be sure he -thought he was far enough off, or the Rogue wou'd never -have nam'd him.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Sir, I met Sir <em>John</em> just lighting at the Gate; -he's come to wait upon you.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Nay, then it happens as one cou'd wish.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] The Devil it does! <em>Lory</em>, you see -how things are, here will be a Discovery presently, and -we shall have our Brains beat out: For my Brother will -be sure to swear he don't know me: Therefore run into -the Stable, take the two first Horses you can light on, I'll -slip out at the Back-Door, and we'll away immediately.</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> What, and leave your Lady, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> There's no Danger in that, as long as I -have taken possession; I shall know how to treat with -them well enough, if once I am out of their reach. -Away, I'll steal after thee.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Lory</span>, his Master follows -him out at one Door, as Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span> enters at t'other.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Sir <em>John</em>, you are the welcom'st Man alive; -I had just sent a Messenger to desire you'd step over, upon -a very extraordinary Occasion—we are all in Arms -here.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>John.</em> How so?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Why, you must know——a sinical sort of a -tawdry Fellow here (I don't know who the Devil he is, -not I) hearing, I suppose, that the Match was concluded -between my Lord <em>Foppington</em> and my Girl <em>Hoyden</em>, comes -impudently to the Gate, and with a whole Pack of -Rogues in Liveries, wou'd have pass'd upon me for his -Lordship: But what does I? I comes up to him boldly -at the Head of his Guards, takes him by the Throat, -strikes up his Heels, binds him Hand and Foot, dispatches -a Warrant, and commits him Prisoner to the Dog-kennel.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>John.</em> So, but how do you know but this was my -Lord? for I was told he set out from <em>London</em> the Day before -me, with a very fine Retinue, and intended to come -directly hither.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Why now to shew you how many Lies People -raise in that damn'd Town, he came two Nights ago -Post, with only one Servant, and is now in the House -with me: But you don't know the Cream of the Jest yet; -this same Rogue, (that lies yonder Neck and Heels -among the Hounds) thinking you were out of the Country, -quotes you for his Acquaintance, and said, if you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> -were here, you'd justify him to be Lord <em>Foppington</em>, and -I know not what.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>John.</em> Pray will you let me see him?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Ay, that you shall presently——here, fetch -the Prisoner.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Servant.</em></p> - -<p>Sir <em>John.</em> I wish there ben't some Mistake in the Business, -where's my Lord? I know him very well.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> He was here just now; see for him, Doctor, -tell him Sir <em>John</em> is here to wait upon him.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Ex. Chaplain.</em></p> - -<p>Sir <em>John.</em> I hope, Sir <em>Tunbelly</em>, the young Lady is not -married yet.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> No, things won't be ready this Week; but -why do you say, you hope she is not married?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>John.</em> Some foolish Fancies only, perhaps I'm -mistaken.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Re-enter Chaplain.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Bull.</em> Sir, his Lordship is just rid out to take the Air.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> To take the Air! Is that his <em>London</em> Breeding, -to go to take the Air, when Gentlemen come to visit him?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>John.</em> 'Tis possible he might want it, he might not -be well, some sudden Qualm perhaps.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Constable, <span class="antiqua">&c.</span> with Lord <span class="antiqua">Foppington</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Stap my Vitals, I'll have Satisfaction.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>John.</em> [<em>Running to him.</em>] My dear Lord <em>Foppington</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Dear <em>Friendly</em>, thou art come in the critical -Minute, strike me dumb.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>John.</em> Why, I little thought to have found you in -Fetters.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Why truly the World must do me the justice -to confess, I do use to appear, a little more <em>degagé</em>: -But this old Gentleman, not liking the Freedom of my -Air, has been pleased to skewer down my Arms like a -Rabbit.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Is it then possible that this shou'd be the true -Lord <em>Foppington</em> at last?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Why what do you see in his Face to make -you doubt of it? Sir, without presuming to have any extraordinary -Opinion of my Figure, give me leave to tell<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span> -you, if you had seen as many Lords as I have done, you -would not think it impossible a Person of a worse <em>Taille</em> -than mine, might be a modern Man of Quality.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Unbind him, Slaves: my Lord, I'm struck -dumb, I can only beg Pardon by Signs; but if a Sacrifice -will appease you, you shall have it. Here, pursue -this <em>Tartar</em>, bring him back——Away, I say, a Dog, -Oons——I'll cut off his Ears and his Tail, I'll draw -out all his Teeth, pull his skin over his Head——and——what -shall I do more?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>John.</em> He does indeed deserve to be made an Example -of.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> He does deserve to be <em>chartrè</em>, stap my Vitals.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> May I then hope I have your Honour's Pardon?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Sir, we Courtiers do nothing without a -Bribe; that fair young Lady might do Miracles.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> <em>Hoyden</em>, come hither, <em>Hoyden</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> <em>Hoyden</em> is her Name, Sir?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Yes, my Lord.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> The prettiest Name for a Song I ever heard.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> My Lord——here's my Girl, she's yours, she -has a wholesome Body, and virtuous Mind; she's a -Woman complete, both in Flesh and in Spirit; she has -a Bag of mill'd Crowns, as scarce as they are, and fifteen -hundred a-year flitch'd fast to her Tail: so go thy ways, -<em>Hoyden</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Sir, I do receive her like a Gentleman.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Then I'm a happy Man, I bless Heaven, and -if your Lordship will give me leave, I will, like a good -Christian at <em>Christmas</em>, be very drunk by way of Thanksgiving. -Come, my noble Peer, I believe Dinner's ready; -if your Honour pleases to follow me, I'll lead you -on to the Attack of a Venison Pasty.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Sir <span class="antiqua">Tun.</span></em></p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Sir, I wait upon you: Will your Ladyship -do me the favour of your little Finger, Madam?</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> My Lord, I'll follow you presently. I have a -little Business with my Nurse.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Your Ladyship's most humble Servant; -come, Sir <em>John</em>, the Ladies have <em>des Affaires</em>.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt <span class="antiqua">Lord Fop</span>. and Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> So, Nurse, we are finely brought to bed! What -shall we do now?</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Ah, dear Miss, we are all undone! Mr. <em>Bull</em>, -you were us'd to help a Woman to a Remedy.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Crying.</em></p> - -<p><em>Bull.</em> A lack a-day, but it's past my Skill now, I can -do nothing.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Who wou'd have thought that ever your Invention -shou'd have been drain'd so dry?</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Well, I have often thought old Folks Fools, and -now I'm sure they are so; I have found a way myself -to secure us all.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Dear Lady, what's that?</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Why, if you two will be sure to hold your -Tongues, and not say a word of what's past, I'll e'en -marry this Lord too.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> What! two Husbands, my Dear?</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Why you had three, good Nurse, you may hold -your Tongue.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Ay, but not all together, sweet Child.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Psha, if you had, you'd ne'er thought much -on't.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> O but 'tis a Sin—Sweeting.</p> - -<p><em>Bull.</em> Nay, that's my business to speak to, Nurse. I -do confess, to take two Husbands for the Satisfaction of -the Flesh, is to commit the Sin of Exorbitancy; but to -do it for the Peace of the Spirit, is no more than to be -drunk by way of Physick: Besides, to prevent a Parent's -Wrath, is to avoid the Sin of Disobedience; for when -the Parent's angry the Child is froward. So that upon -the whole Matter, I do think, tho' Miss shou'd marry -again, she may be sav'd.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> I'cod, and I will marry again then, and so there -is an end of the Story.</p> - - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/wingding-099.jpg" width="700" height="680" alt="" /> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-100.jpg" width="700" height="43" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_V_SCENE_London2" id="ACT_V_SCENE_London2"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> V. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> <em>London</em>.</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Coupler</span>, <span class="antiqua">Young Fashion</span>, and <span class="antiqua">Lory</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">W</span>ell</span>, and so Sir <em>John</em> coming in—</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> And so Sir <em>John</em> coming in, -I thought it might be Manners in me to go out, which I -did, and getting on Horseback as fast as I cou'd, rid -away as if the Devil had been at the Rear of me; what -has happen'd since, Heav'n knows.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> I'gad, Sirrah, I know as well as Heaven.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> What do you know?</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> That you are a Cuckold.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> The Devil I am! By who?</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> By your Brother.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> My Brother! which way?</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> The old way, he has lain with your Wife.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Hell and Furies, what dost thou mean?</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> I mean plainly, I speak no Parable.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Plainly! Thou dost not speak common -Sense, I cannot understand one Word thou sayst.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> You will do soon, Youngster. In short, you left -your Wife a Widow, and she married again.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> It's a Lye.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em>——I'cod, if I were a young Fellow, I'd -break your Head, Sirrah.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Dear Dad, don't be angry, for I'm as mad -as <em>Tom <span class="antiqua">of</span> Bedlam</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> When I had fitted you with a Wife, you shou'd -have kept her.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> But is it possible the young Strumpet -cou'd play such a Trick?</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> A young Strumpet, Sir——can play twenty -Tricks.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> But pr'ythee instruct me a little farther; -whence comes thy Intelligence!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> From your Brother, in this Letter; there, you -may read it.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Young Fashion</span> reads.</em></p> -<div class="blockquot"> -<p> -Dear <em>Coupler</em>,<br /> -</p> - -<p>[Pulling off his Hat,] <em><span class="fauxcap">I</span> Have only time to tell thee in three Lines, -or thereabouts, that here has been the Devil! -That Rascal <span class="antiqua">Tam</span>, having stole the Letter thou hadst -formerly writ for me to bring to Sir <span class="antiqua">Tunbelly</span>, form'd a -damnable Design upon my Mistress, and was in a fair way -of Success when I arriv'd. But after having suffer'd some -Indignities (in which I have all daub'd my embroider'd Coat) -I put him to flight. I sent out a Party of Horse after him, -in hopes to have made him my Prisoner, which if I had done, -I would have qualified him for the Seraglio, stap my Vitals. -The Danger I have thus narrowly 'scap'd, has made me -fortify myself against further Attempts, by entering immediately -into an Association with the young Lady, by which we -engage to stand by one another, as long as we both shall -live. In short, the Papers are seal'd, and the Contract is sign'd, -so the Business of the Lawyer is <span class="antiqua">achevé</span>; but I defer the divine -part of the thing till I arrive at <span class="antiqua">London</span>, not being -willing to consummate in any other Bed but my own.</em></p> - -<p> -Postscript,<br /> -</p> - -<p><em>'Tis possible I may be in the Tawn as soon as this Letter; -for I find the Lady is so violently in love with me, I have -determin'd to make her happy with all the Dispatch that is -practicable, without disardering my Coach Harses.</em></p> -</div> -<p>So, here's rare Work, I'faith!</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> I'gad, Miss <em>Hoyden</em> has laid about her bravely.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> I think my Country-Girl has play'd her part, as -well as if she had been born and bred in St. <em>James</em>'s Parish.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em>——That Rogue the Chaplain.</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> And then that Jade the Nurse, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> And then that drunken Sot, <em>Lory</em>, Sir; -that cou'd not keep himself sober to be a Witness to the -Marriage.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> Sir——with respect——I know very few drunken -Sots that do keep themselves sober.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Hold your prating, Sirrah, or I'll break -your Head; dear <em>Coupler</em>, what's to be done?</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Nothing's to be done till the Bride and Bridegroom -come to Town.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Bride and Bridegroom! Death and Furies! -I can't bear that thou shouldst call them so.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Why, what shall I call them, Dog and Cat?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Not for the World, that sounds more -like Man and Wife than t'other.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Well, if you'll hear of them in no Language, -we'll leave them for the Nurse and the Chaplain.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> The Devil and the Witch.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> When they come to Town——</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> We shall have stormy Weather.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Will you hold your tongues, Gentlemen, or not?</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> Mum.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> I say when they, come, we must find what Stuff -they are made of, whether the Churchman be chiefly -compos'd of the Flesh, or the Spirit; I presume the former——For -as Chaplains now go, 'tis probable he -eats three Pound of Beef to the reading one Chapter——This -gives him carnal Desires, he wants Money, -Preferment, Wine, a Whore; therefore we must invite -him to Supper, give him fat Capons, Sack and Sugar, a -Purse of Gold, and a Plump Sister. Let this be done, and -I'll warrant thee, my Boy, he speaks Truth like an Oracle.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Thou art a profound Statesman, I allow -it; but how shall we gain the Nurse?</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> O never fear the Nurse, if once you have got -the Priest, for the Devil always rides the Hag. Well, -there's nothing more to be said of the Matter at this -time, that I know of; so let us go and enquire, if there's -any News of our People yet, perhaps they may be come. -But let me tell you one thing by the way, Sirrah, I doubt -you have been an idle Fellow; if thou hadst behav'd -thyself as thou shoud'st have done, the Girl wou'd never -have left thee.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em><span class="antiqua">Berinthia</span>'s Apartment.</em></h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter her <span class="antiqua">Maid</span>, passing the Stage, follow'd by <span class="antiqua">Worthy</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Hem, Mrs. <em>Abigail</em>, is your Mistress to be -spoken with?</p> - -<p><em>Ab.</em> By you, Sir, I believe she may.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Why 'tis by me I wou'd have her spoken with.</p> - -<p><em>Ab.</em> I'll acquaint her, Sir.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Ab</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Worthy</span> solus.</em> -</p> - -<p>One Lift more I must persuade her to give me, and -then I'm mounted. Well, a young Bawd, and a handsome -one for my Money, 'tis they do the Execution; I'll -never go to an old one, but when I have occasion for a -Witch. Lewdness looks heavenly to a Woman, when an -Angel appears in its Cause; but when a Hag is Advocate, -she thinks it comes from the Devil. An old Woman -has something so terrible in her Looks, that whilst she -is persuading your Mistress to forget she has a Soul, she -stares Hell and Damnation full in her Face.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Berinthia</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Well, Sir, what News bring you?</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> No News, Madam, there's a Woman going to -cuckold her Husband.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> <em>Amanda</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> I hope so.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Speed her well.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Ay, but there must be a more than a God-speed, -or your Charity won't be worth a Farthing.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Why, han't I done enough already?</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Not quite.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> What's the matter?</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> The Lady has a Scruple still which you must remove.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> What's that?</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Her Virtue——she says.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> And do you believe her?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> No, but I believe it's what she takes for her Virtue; -it's some Relicks of lawful Love: she is not yet -fully satisfy'd her Husband has got another Mistress, -which unless I can convince her of, I have opened the -Trenches in vain; for the Breach must be wider, before -I dare storm the Town.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> And so I'm to be your Engineer!</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> I'm sure you know best how to manage the -Battery.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> What think you of springing a Mine? I have a -Thought just now come into my Head, how to blow her -up at once.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> That would be a Thought, indeed!</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em>——Faith, I'll do't, and thus the Execution of it -shall be. We are all invited to my Lord <em>Foppington</em>'s to-night -to Supper, he's come to Town with his Bride, and -maketh a Ball, with an Entertainment of Musick. Now -you must know, my Undoer here, <em>Loveless</em>, says he must -needs meet me about some private Business (I don't -know what 'tis) before we go to the Company. To -which end he has told his Wife one Lye, and I have -told her another. But to make her amends, I'll go immediately, -and tell her a solemn Truth.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> What's that?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Why, I'll tell her, that to my certain Knowledge -her Husband has a Rendezvous with his Mistress this Afternoon; -and that if she'll give me her Word, she will -be satisfy'd with the Discovery, without making any -violent Inquiry after the Woman, I'll direct her to a -Place, where she shall see them meet.—Now, Friend, this -I fancy may help you to a critical Minute. For home -she must go again to dress. You, with your good-breeding, -come to wait upon us to the Ball, find her all alone, -her Spirit enflam'd against her Husband for his Treason, -and her Flesh in a Heat from some Contemplations upon -the Treachery, her Blood on a Fire, her Conscience in -ice; a Lover to draw, and the Devil to drive——Ah, -poor <em>Amanda</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> [<em>Kneeling.</em>] Thou Angel of Light, let me fall -down and adore thee!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Thou Minister of Darkness, get up again, for I -hate to see the Devil at his Devotions.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Well, my incomparable <em>Berinthia</em>——How -shall I requite you——</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> O ne'er trouble yourself about that: Virtue is its -own Reward: There's a Pleasure in doing good, which -sufficiently pays itself. Adieu.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Farewel, thou best of Women.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt several ways.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Amanda</span>, meeting <span class="antiqua">Berinthia</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Who was that went from you?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> A Friend of yours.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> What does he want?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Something you might spare him, and be ne'er -the poorer.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> I can spare him nothing but my Friendship; -my Love already's all dispos'd of: Tho', I confess, to one -ungrateful to my Bounty.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Why there's the Mystery! You have been so -bountiful, you have cloy'd him. Fond Wives do by their -Husbands, as barren Wives do by their Lap-Dogs; cram -them with Sweetmeats till they spoil their Stomachs.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Alas! Had you but seen how passionately fond -he has been since our last Reconciliation, you wou'd have -thought it were impossible he ever should have breath'd -an Hour without me.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Ay but there you thought wrong again, <em>Amanda</em>; -you shou'd consider, that in Matters of Love Men's Eyes -are always bigger than their Bellies. They have violent -Appetites, 'tis true, but they have soon din'd.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Well; there's nothing upon Earth astonishes -me more than Men's Inconstancy.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Now there's nothing upon Earth astonishes me less, -when I consider what they and we are compos'd of. For -Nature has made them Children, and us Babies. Now, -<em>Amanda</em>, how we us'd our Babies, you may remember. -We were mad to have them, as soon as we saw them; -kiss'd them to pieces, as soon as we got them; then<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span> -pull'd off their Clothes, saw them naked, and so threw -them away.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> But do you think all Men are of this Temper?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> All but one.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Who's that?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> <em>Worthy</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Why, he's weary of his Wife too, you see.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Ay, that's no Proof.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> What can be a greater?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Being weary of his Mistress.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Don't you think 'twere possible he might give -you that too?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Perhaps he might, if he were my Gallant; not -if he were your's.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Why do you think he shou'd be more constant -to me, than he wou'd to you? I'm sure I'm not so handsome.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Kissing goes by Favour; he likes you best.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Suppose he does; That's no Demonstration he -wou'd be constant to me.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> No, that I'll grant you: But there are other Reasons -to expect it; for you must know after all, <em>Amanda</em>, -the Inconstancy we commonly see in Men of Brains, does -not so much proceed from the Uncertainty of their Temper, -as from the Misfortunes of their Love. A Man sees, -perhaps, an hundred Women he likes well enough for an -Intrigue, and away; but possibly, thro' the whole Course -of his Life, does not find above one, who is exactly what -he could wish her: now her, 'tis a thousand to one, he -never gets. Either she is not to be had at all (tho' that -seldom happens, you'll say) or he wants those Opportunities -that are necessary to gain her; either she likes -somebody else much better than him, or uses him like a -Dog, because he likes no body so well as her. Still -something or other Fate claps in the way between them -and the Woman they are capable of being fond of. And -this makes them wander about from Mistress to Mistress, -like a Pilgrim from Town to Town, who every Night -must have a fresh lodging, and 's in haste to be gone in -the Morning.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Tis possible there may be something in what -you say; but what do you infer from it, as to the Man -we were talking of?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Why, I infer, that you being the Woman in the -World the most to his Humour, 'tis not likely he would -quit you for one that is less.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> That is not to be depended upon, for you see -Mr. <em>Loveless</em> does so.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> What does Mr. <em>Loveless</em> do?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Why, he runs after something for Variety, -I'm sure he does not like so well as he does me.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> That's more than you know, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> No, I'm sure on't: I am not very vain, <em>Berinthia</em>; -and yet I'll lay my Life, if I could look into -his Heart, he thinks I deserve to be prefer'd to a thousand -of her.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Don't be too positive in that neither: A Million -to one, but she has the same Opinion of you. What -wou'd you give to see her?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Hang her, dirty Trull; tho' I really believe -she's so ugly, she'd cure me of my Jealousy.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> All the Men of Sense about Town say she's -handsome.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> They are as often out in those things as any -People.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Then I'll give you further Proof——all the Women -about Town say, she's a Fool: Now I hope you -are convinc'd?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Whate'er she be, I'm satisfy'd he does not like -her well enough to bestow any thing more than a little -outward Gallantry upon her.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Outward Gallantry!—--[<em>Aside.</em>] I can't bear this. -[<em>To Aman.</em>] Don't you think she's a Woman to be -fobb'd off so. Come, I'm too much your Friend, to suffer -you should be thus grossly impos'd upon, by a Man -who does not deserve the least part about you, unless he -knew how to set a greater Value upon it. Therefore in -one word, to my certain knowledge, he is to meet her -now, within a quarter of an Hour, somewhere about that -<em>Babylon</em> of Wickedness, <em>Whitehall</em>. And if you'll give<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> -me your Word that you'll be content with seeing her -mask'd in his Hand, without pulling her Headclothes -off, I'll step immediately to the Person, from whom I -have my Intelligence, and send you word whereabouts -you may stand to see 'em meet. My Friend and I'll -watch 'em from another place, and dodge 'em to their -private Lodging: But don't you offer to follow 'em, lest -you do it awkwardly, and spoil all. I'll come home to -you again, as soon as I have earth'd 'em, and give -you an account in what corner of the House the Scene -of their Lewdness lies.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> If you can do this, <em>Berinthia</em>, he's a Villain.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> I can't help that, Men will be so.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Well! I'll follow your Directions; for I shall -never rest till I know the worst of this matter.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Pray, go immediately, and get yourself ready -then. Put on some of your Woman's Clothes, a great -Scarf and a Mask, and you shall presently receive Orders. -[<em>Calls within.</em>] Here, who's there? get me a Chair -quickly.</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> There are Chairs at the Door, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> 'Tis well, I'm coming.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> But pray, <em>Berinthia</em>, before you go, tell me -how I may know this filthy Thing, if she would be so -forward (as I suppose she will) to come to the Rendezvous -first; for, methinks, I would fain view her a little.</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> Why, she's about my heighth; and very well -shap'd.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> I thought she had been a little crooked?</p> - -<p><em>Ber.</em> O no, she's as straight as I am. But we lose -time, come away.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Young Fashion</span>, meeting <span class="antiqua">Lory</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Well, will the Doctor come?</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> Sir, I sent a Porter to him as you order'd me. -He found him with a Pipe of Tobacco and a great -Tankard of Ale, which he said he wou'd dispatch while -I cou'd tell three, and be here.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> He does not suspect 'twas I that sent for him?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> Not a Jot, Sir, he divines as little for himself, as -he does for other Folks.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Will he bring Nurse with him?</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> Yes.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> That's well; where's <em>Coupler</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Lo.</em> He's half way up the Stairs taking Breath; he -must play his Bellows a little, before he can get to the top.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Coupler</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> O here he is. Well, old Phthisick, the -Doctor's coming.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Wou'd the Pox had the Doctor——I'm quite -out of Wind [<em>To Lo.</em>] Set me a Chair, Sirrah. Ah——[<em>Sits -down.</em>] [<em>To Young Fash.</em>] Why the Plague can'st not -thou lodge upon the Ground-Floor?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Because I love to lie as near Heaven as I -can.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Pr'ythee let Heaven alone; ne'er affect tending -that way: Thy Center's downwards.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash</em>. That's impossible. I have too much ill -Luck in this World, to be damn'd in the next.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Thou art out in thy Logick. Thy Major is -true, but thy Minor is false; for thou art the luckiest -Fellow in the Universe.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash</em>. Make out that.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> I'll do't: Last Night the Devil ran away with -the Parson of <em>Fat-goose</em> Living.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> If he had run away with the Parish too, -what's that to me?</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> I'll tell thee what it's to thee. This Living is -worth five hundred Pound a-year, and the Presentation -of it is thine, if thou can'st prove thyself a lawful Husband -to Miss <em>Hoyden</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Say'st thou so, my Protector! then I'gad -I shall have a Brace of Evidences here presently.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> The Nurse and the Doctor?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> The same: The Devil himself won't -have Interest enough to make them withstand it.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> That we shall see presently: Here they come.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Nurse</span> and <span class="antiqua">Chaplain</span>; they start back, seeing <span class="antiqua">Young -Fashion</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Ah Goodness, <em>Roger</em>, we are betray'd.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> [<em>Laying hold on them.</em>] Nay, nay, ne'er -flinch for the matter; for I have you safe. Come to -your Trials immediately; I have no time to give you -Copies of your Indictment. There sits your Judge.—</p> - -<p><em>Both kneeling.</em> Pray, Sir, have Compassion on us.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> I hope, Sir, my Years will move your Pity; -I am an aged Woman.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> That is a moving Argument, indeed!</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> [<em>To Bull.</em>] Are not you a rogue of Sanctity?</p> - -<p><em>Bull.</em> Sir, with respect to my Function, I do wear a -Gown. I hope, Sir, my Character will be consider'd; -I am Heaven's Ambassador.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Did not you marry this vigorous young Fellow -to a plump young buxom Wench?</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> [<em>To Bull.</em>] Don't confess, <em>Roger</em>, unless you are -hard put to it, indeed?</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Come, out with't—Now is he chewing the Cud -of his Roguery, and grinding a Lye between his Teeth.</p> - -<p><em>Bull.</em> Sir,——I cannot positively say——I say, -Sir——positively I cannot say——</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Come, no Equivocation, no Roman Turns upon -us. Consider thou stand'st upon Protestant Ground, -which will slip from under thee like a <em>Tyburn</em> Car; for -in this Country we have always ten Hangmen for one -Jesuit.</p> - -<p><em>Bull.</em> [<em>To Young Fash.</em>] Pray, Sir, then will you but -permit me to speak one word in private with Nurse?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Thou art always for doing something in -private with Nurse.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> But pray let his Betters be serv'd before him -for once. I would do something in private with her -myself; <em>Lory</em>, take care of this Reverend Gownman in -the next Room a little. Retire, Priest. [<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Lo</span>. with -<span class="antiqua">Bull</span>.</em>]—Now, Virgin, I must put the matter home to -you a little: Do you think it might not be possible to -make you speak Truth?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Alas! Sir, I don't know what you mean by -Truth.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Nay,'tis possible thou may'st be a Stranger to it.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Come, Nurse, you and I were better -Friends when we saw one another last; and I still believe -you are a very good Woman in the bottom. I did deceive -you and your young Lady, 'tis true, but I always -design'd to make a very good Husband to her, and to be -a very good Friend to you. And 'tis possible in the end, -she might have found herself happier and you richer, than -ever my Brother will make you.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Brother! Why is your Worship then his Lordship's -Brother!</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> I am; which you should have known, if -I durst have staid to have told you; but I was forc'd to -take Horse a little in haste, you know.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> You were, indeed, Sir: poor young Man, how -he was bound to scaure for't. Now won't your Worship -be angry, if I confess the Truth to you; when I found -you were a Cheat (with respect be it spoken) I verily believ'd -Miss had got some pitiful Skip-Jack Varlet or -other to her Husband, or I had ne'er let her think of -marrying again.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> But where was your Conscience all this while, -Woman? Did not that stare you in the Face with huge -Saucer-eyes, and a great Horn upon the Forehead? Did -not you think you should be damn'd for such a Sin? -Ha!</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Well said, Divinity, press that home upon -her.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Why, in good truly, Sir, I had some fearful -Thoughts on't, and cou'd never be brought to consent, -till Mr. <em>Bull</em> said it was a <em>Peckadilla</em>, and he'd secure my -Soul for a Tythe-Pig.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> There was a Rogue for you.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> And he shall thrive accordingly: He shall have -a good Living. Come, honest <em>Nurse</em>, I see you have -Butter in your Compound; you can melt. Some Compassion -you can have of this handsome young Fellow.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> I have, indeed, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Why, then, I'll tell you what you shall do -for me. You know what a warm Living here is fallen; -and that it must be in the Disposal of him who has the -Disposal of Miss. Now if you and the Doctor will agree -to prove my Marriage, I'll present him to it, upon condition -he makes you his Bride.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Naw the Blessing of the Lord follow your -good Worship both by Night and by Day! Let him be -fetch'd in by the Ears; I'll soon bring his Nose to the -Grindstone.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Well said, old Whit-Leather. Hey; -bring in the Prisoner there.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lory</span> with <span class="antiqua">Bull</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Come, advance, holy Man! Here's your Duck -does not think fit to retire with you into the Chancel at -this time; but she has a Proposal to make to you in the -Face of the Congregation. Come, <em>Nurse</em>, speak for -yourself; you are of Age.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> <em>Roger</em>, are not you a wicked Man, <em>Roger</em>, to -set your Strength against a weak Woman, and persuade -her it was no Sin to conceal Miss's Nuptials? My Conscience -flies in my Face for it, thou Priest of <em>Baal</em>; and -I find by woful Experience, thy Absolution is not worth -an old Cassock: therefore I am resolved to confess the -Truth to the whole World, tho' I die a Beggar for it. -But his Worship overflows with his Mercy, and his -Bounty: He is not only pleas'd to forgive us our Sins, -but designs thou sha't squat thee down in <em>Fat-goose</em> Living; -and, which is more than all, has prevail'd with me -to become the Wife of thy Bosom.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> All this I intend for you, Doctor. What -you are to do for me, I need not tell you.</p> - -<p><em>Bull.</em> Your Worship's Goodness is unspeakable: Yet -there is one thing seems a Point of Conscience; and -Conscience is a tender Babe. If I shou'd bind myself, -for the sake of this Living, to marry <em>Nurse</em>, and maintain -her afterwards, I doubt it might be look'd on as a -kind of Simony.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> [<em>Rising up.</em>] If it were Sacrilege, the Living's -worth it: Therefore no more Words, good Doctor: but -with the [<em>Giving <span class="antiqua">Nurse</span> to him.</em>] Parish——here——take -the Parsonage-house. 'Tis true, 'tis a little out of Repair; -some Dilapidations there are to be made good; -the Windows are broke, the Wainscot is warp'd, the -Ceilings are peel'd, and the Walls are crack'd; but a -little Glasing, Painting, White-wash, and Plaster, will -make it last thy time.</p> - -<p><em>Bull.</em> Well, Sir, if it must be so, I shan't contend: -What Providence orders, I submit to.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> And so do I, with all Humility.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Why, that now was spoke like good People. -Come, my Turtle-Doves, let us go help this poor Pigeon -to his wandering Mate again: and after Institution and -Induction, you shall all go a-cooing together.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Amanda</span>, in a Scarf, &c. as just returned, her -Woman following her.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Pr'ythee, what care I who has been here?</p> - -<p><em>Wom.</em> Madam, 'twas my Lady <em>Bridle</em>, and my Lady -<em>Tiptoe</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> My Lady <em>Fiddle</em>, and my Lady <em>Faddle</em>. What -dost stand troubling me with the Visits of a parcel of -impertinent Women? When they are well seam'd with -the Small Pox, they won't be so fond of shewing their -Faces——There are more Coquettes about this Town—</p> - -<p><em>Wom.</em> Madam, I suppose, they only came to return -your Ladyship's Visit, according to the Custom of the -World.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Wou'd the World were on Fire, and you in -the middle on't! Be gone: leave me.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Wom.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Amanda</span> sola.</em> -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">At last I am convinc'd. My Eyes are Testimonies of his Falshood.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The base, ungrateful, perjur'd Villain——<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Good Gods—What slippery Stuff are Men compos'd of!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Sure the Account of their Creation's false,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And 'twas the Woman's Rib that they were form'd of.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span> -<span class="i0">But why am I thus angry?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">This poor Relapse shou'd only move my Scorn.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">'Tis true, the roving Flights of his unfinish'd Youth<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Had strong Excuses from the Plea of Nature:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Reason had thrown the Reins loose on his Neck,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And slipt him to unlimited Desire.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">If therefore he went wrong, he had a Claim<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To my Forgiveness, and I did him right.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But since the Years of Manhood rein him in,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And Reason, well digested into Thought,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Has pointed out the Course he ought to run;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">If now he strays,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">'Twou'd be as weak and mean in me to pardon,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">As it has been in him t' offend. But hold:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">'Tis an ill Cause indeed, where nothing's to be said for't.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My Beauty possibly is in the Wain:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Perhaps Sixteen has greater Charms for him:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Yes, there's the Secret. But let him know,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My Quiver's not entirely empty'd yet,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I still have Darts, and I can shoot 'em too;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">They're not so blunt, but they can enter still;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The Want's not in my Power, but in my Will.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Virtue's his Friend; or, thro' another's Heart,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I yet cou'd find the way to make his smart.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Going off, she meets <span class="antiqua">Worthy</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Ha! He here? Protect me, Heaven, for this looks -ominous.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> You seem disorder'd, Madam; I hope there's -no Misfortune happen'd to you?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> None that will long disorder me, I hope.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Whate'er it be disturbs you, I wou'd to Heaven -'twere in my Power to bear the Pain, till I were able to -remove the Cause.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> I hope ere long it will remove itself. At least, -I have given it warning to be gone.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Wor.</em> Wou'd I durst ask, Where 'tis the Thorn torments you?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Forgive me, if I grow inquisitive;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">'Tis only with desire to give you Ease.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Alas! 'tis in a tender Part. It can't be drawn<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span> -without a World of Pain: Yet out it must; for it begins -to fester in my Heart.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> If 'tis the Sting of unrequited Love, remove it -instantly: I have a Balm will quickly heal the Wound.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> You'll find the Undertaking difficult: The Surgeon -who already has attempted it, has much tormented -me.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> I'll aid him with a gentler Hand—if you will -give me leave.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> How soft soe'er the Hand may be, there still -is Terror in the Operation.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Some few Preparatives would make it easy, -could I persuade you to apply 'em. Make Home Reflections, -Madam, on your slighted Love: Weigh well -the Strength and Beauty of your Charms: Rouse up -that Spirit Women ought to bear, and slight your God, -if he neglects his Angel. With Arms of Ice receive his -cold Embraces, and keep your Fire for those who come -in Flames. Behold a burning Lover at your Feet, his -Fever raging in his Veins. See how he trembles, how -he pants! See how he glows, how he consumes! Extend -the Arms of Mercy to his Aid: his Zeal may give -him Title to your Pity, altho' his Merit cannot claim -your Love.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Of all my feeble Sex, sure I must be the -weakest, shou'd I again presume to think on Love. -[<em>Sighing.</em>]—Alas! my Heart has been too roughly -treated.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> 'Twill find the greater Bliss in softer Usage.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> But where's that Usage to be found?</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> 'Tis here, within this faithful Breast; which if -you doubt, I'll rip it up before your Eyes; lay all its -Secrets open to your View; and then you'll see 'twas -sound.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> With just such honest Words as these, the worst -of Men deceiv'd me.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> He therefore merits all Revenge can do: his -Fault is such, the Extent and Stretch of Vengeance cannot -reach it. O make me but your Instrument of Jus<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span>tice; -you'll find me execute it with such Zeal, as shall -convince you I abhor the Crime.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> The Rigour of an Executioner has more the -Face of Cruelty than Justice: And he who puts the -Cord about the Wretch's Neck, is seldom known to exceed -him in his Morals.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> What Proof then can I give you of my Truth?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> There is on Earth but one.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> And is that in my Power?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> It is: And one that would so thoroughly convince -me, I should be apt to rate your Heart so high, I -possibly might purchase't with a part of mine.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Then, Heav'n, thou art my Friend, and I am -blest; for if 'tis in my Power, my Will I'm sure will -reach it. No matter what the Terms may be, when -such a Recompence is offer'd. O tell me quickly what -this Proof must be! What is it will convince you of my -Love?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> I shall believe you love me as you ought, if -from this Moment, you forbear to ask whatever is unfit -for me to grant.——You pause upon it, Sir——I -doubt on such hard Terms, a Woman's Heart is scarcely -worth the having.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> A Heart like yours, on any Terms is worth it; -'twas not on that I paus'd: But I was thinking [<em>Drawing -nearer to her.</em>] whether some things there may not be, -which Women cannot grant without a Blush, and yet -which Men may take without Offence. [<em>Taking her -Hand.</em>] Your Hand I fancy may be of the Number: O -pardon me, if I commit a Rape upon it, [<em>Kissing it eagerly.</em>] -and thus devour it with my Kisses!</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> O Heavens! let me go.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Never, whilst I have Strength to hold you here. -[<em>Forcing her to sit down on a Couch.</em>] My Life, my Soul, -my Goddess——O forgive me!</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> O whither am I going? Help, Heaven, or I -am lost.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Stand neuter, Gods, this once I do invoke you.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Then, save me, Virtue, and the Glory's thine.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Nay, never strive.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> I will; and conquer too. My Forces rally -bravely to my Aid, [<em>Breaking from him.</em>] and thus I gain -the Day.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Then mine as bravely double their Attack. -[<em>Seizing her again.</em>] And thus I wrest it from you. Nay, -struggle not; for all's in vain: On Death or victory; -I am determin'd.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> And so am I. [<em>Rushing from him.</em>] Now keep -your distance, or we part for ever.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> [<em>Offering again.</em>] For Heaven's sake——</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> [<em>Going.</em>] Nay then, farewel.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> [<em>Kneeling and holding by her Clothes.</em>] O stay, -and see the Magick Force of Love: Behold this raging -Lion at your Feet, struck dead with Fear, and tame -as Charms can make him. What must I do to be forgiven -by you?</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Repent, and never more offend.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Repentance for past Crimes is just and easy; -but sin no more's a Task too hard for Mortals.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Yet those who hope for Heaven, must use their -best Endeavours to perform it.</p> - -<p><em>Wor.</em> Endeavours we may use, but Flesh and Blood -are got in t'other Scale; and they are pond'rous things.</p> - -<p><em>Aman.</em> Whate'er they are, there is a Weight in Resolution -sufficient for their Balance. The Soul, I do confess, -is usually so careless of its Charge, so soft, and so -indulgent to Desire, it leaves the Reins in the wild -Hand of Nature, who, like a <em>Phaeton</em>, drives the fiery -Chariot, and sets the World on Flame. Yet still the -Sovereignty is in the Mind, whene'er it pleases to exert -its Force. Perhaps you may not think it worth your -while to take such mighty pains for my Esteem; but -that I leave to you.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">You see the Price I set upon my Heart; <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">Perhaps 'tis dear: But spite of all your Art, <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">You'll find on cheaper Terms we ne'er shall part. <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Amanda</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Worthy</span> solus</em>. -</p> - -<p>Sure there's Divinity about her; and she'as dispens'd -some portion on't to me. For what but now was the -wild Flame of Love, or (to dissect that specious Term) -the vile, the gross Desires of Flesh and Blood, is in a -Moment turn'd to Adoration. The coarser Appetite of -Nature's gone, and 'tis, methinks, the Food of Angels -I require: how long this Influence may last, Heaven -knows. But in this Moment of my Purity, I cou'd on -her own Terms accept her Heart. Yes, lovely Woman, -I can accept it. For now 'tis doubly worth my Care. -Your Charms are much increas'd, since thus adorn'd. -When Truth's extorted from us, then we own the Robe -of Virtue is a graceful Habit.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Cou'd Women but our secret Counsels scan,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Cou'd they but reach the deep Reserves of Man,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">They'd wear it on, that That of Love might last;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For when they throw off one, we soon the other cast.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Their Sympathy is such——<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The Fate of one, the other scarce can fly—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">They live together, and together die.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Miss</span> and <span class="antiqua">Nurse</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> But is it sure and certain, say you, he's my -Lord's own Brother?</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> As sure, as he's your lawful Husband.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> I'cod, if I had known that in time, I don't -know but I might have kept him; For, between you -and I, Nurse, he'd have made a Husband worth two of -this I have. But which do you think you shou'd fancy -most, Nurse?</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Why, truly, in my poor fancy, Madam, your -first Husband is the prettier Gentleman.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> I don't like my Lord's Shapes, Nurse.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Why in good truly, as a body may say, he is -but a Slam.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> What do you think now he puts me in mind of? -Don't you remember a long, loose, shambling sort of a -Horse my Father call'd <em>Washy</em>?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> As like as two Twin-Brothers.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> I'cod, I have thought so a hundred times: -'Faith, I'm tired of him.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Indeed, Madam, I think you had e'en as good -stand to your first Bargain.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> O but, Nurse, we han't considered the main -thing yet. If I leave my Lord, I must leave my Lady -too: and when I rattle about the Streets in my Coach, -they'll only say, there goes Mistress——Mistress——Mistress -what? What's this Man's Name, I have married, -Nurse?</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> 'Squire <em>Fashion</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> 'Squire <em>Fashion</em> is it?——Well, 'Squire, that's -better than nothing: Do you think one cou'd not get -him made a Knight, Nurse?</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> I don't know but one might, Madam, when -the King's in a good Humour.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> I'cod, that wou'd do rarely. For then he'd be -as good a Man as my Father, you know.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> By'r Lady, and that's as good as the best of 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> So 'tis, faith; for then I shall be my Lady, and -your Ladyship at every Word, that's all I have to care -for. Ha, Nurse! But hark you me, one thing more, -and then I have done. I'm afraid, if I change my Husband -again, I shan't have so much Money to throw about, -Nurse.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> O, enough's as good as a Feast: Besides, Madam, -one don't know, but as much may fall to your -share with the younger Brother, as with the elder. For -tho' these Lords have a power of Wealth, indeed; yet as -I have heard say, they give it all to their Sluts and their -Trulls, who joggle it about in their Coaches, with a -Murrain to 'em, whilst poor Madam sits sighing and wishing, -and knotting and crying, and has not a spare Half-Crown -to buy her a <em>Practice of Piety</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> O, but for that, don't deceive yourself, Nurse. -For this I must [<em>Snapping her Fingers.</em>] say for my Lord, -and a——for him: He's as free as an open House at -<em>Christmas</em>. For this very Morning he told me, I shou'd -have two hundred a-year to buy Pins. Now, Nurse, if<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span> -he gives me two hundred a-year to buy Pins, what do -you think he'll give me to buy fine Petticoats?</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Ah, my Dearest, he deceives these faully, and -he's no better than a Rogue for his pains. These <em>Londoners</em> -have got a Gibberidge with them, would confound -a Gipsey. That which they call Pin-money, is -to buy their Wives every thing in the varsal World, -down to their very Shoe-tyes? Nay, I have heard Folks -say, That some Ladies, if they will have Gallants, as -they call 'em, are forc'd to find them out of their Pin-money -too.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Has he serv'd me so, say ye?——Then I'll be -his Wife no longer, that's fixt. Look, here he comes, -with all the fine Folks at 's heels. I'cod, Nurse, these -<em>London</em> Ladies will laugh till they crack again, to see -me slip my Collar, and run away from my Husband. -But, d'ye hear? Pray take care of one thing: When -the Business comes to break out, be sure you get between -me and my Father, for you know his Tricks; he'll -knock me down.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> I'll mind him, ne'er fear, Madam.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lord <span class="antiqua">Foppington</span>, <span class="antiqua">Loveless</span>, <span class="antiqua">Worthy</span>, <span class="antiqua">Amanda</span>, -and <span class="antiqua">Berinthia</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Ladies and Gentlemen, you are all welcome. -[<em>To</em> Lov.] <em>Loveless</em>——That's my Wife; pr'ythee -do me the favour to salute her: And do'st hear, [<em>Aside to -him.</em>] if thau hast a mind to try thy Fartune, to be reveng'd -of me, I won't take it ill, stap my Vitals.</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> You need not fear, Sir, I'm too fond of my -own Wife, to have the least Inclination for yours.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>All salute Miss.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] I'd give a thausand Paund he wou'd -make Love to her, that he may see she has sense enough -to prefer me to him, tho' his own Wife has not: [<em>Viewing -him.</em>]—He's a very beastly Fellow, in my Opinion.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] What a Power of fine Men there are in -this <em>London</em>! He that kist me first, is a goodly Gentleman, -I promise you: Sure those Wives have a rare -time on't, that live here always.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Sir <span class="antiqua">Tunbelly</span>, with Musicians, Dancers, <span class="antiqua">&c.</span></em> -</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Come, come in, good People, come in; come, -tune your Fiddles, tune your Fiddles.</p> - -<p><em>To the Hautboys.</em>] Bag-pipes, make ready there. Come, -strike up.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Sings.</em></p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>For this is <span class="antiqua">Hoyden</span>'s Wedding-day;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And therefore we keep Holy-day,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>And come to be merry.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p>Ha! there's my Wench, I'faith: Touch and take, I'll -warrant her; she'll breed like a tame Rabbit.</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] I'cod, I think my Father's gotten drunk -before Supper.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Lov</span>. and <span class="antiqua">Wor</span>.</em>] Gentlemen, you are welcome. -[<em>Saluting <span class="antiqua">Aman</span>. and <span class="antiqua">Ber</span>.</em>] Ladies, by your leave. -Ha——They bill like Turtles. Udsookers, they set -my old Blood a-fire; I shall cuckold some body before -Morning.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> [<em>To Sir <span class="antiqua">Tun</span>.</em>] Sir, you being Master of the -Entertainment, will you desire the Company to sit?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Oons, Sir,——I'm the happiest Man on this -side the <em>Ganges</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] This is a mighty unaccountable old -Fellow. [<em>To Sir <span class="antiqua">Tun</span>.</em>] I said, Sir, it wou'd be convenient -to ask the Company to sit.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Sit——with all my heart: Come, take your -places, Ladies; take your places, Gentlemen: Come, -sit down, sit down; a Pox of Ceremony, take your -places.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>They sit, and the Mask begins.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter">Dialogue between <em>Cupid</em> and <em>Hymen</em>. -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Cupid. 1.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Thou Bane to my Empire, thou Spring of Contest,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Thou Source of all Discord, thou Period to Rest;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Instruct me what Wretches in Bondage can see,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>That the Aim of their Life is still pointed to thee.</em><br /></span> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Hymen. 2.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Instruct me, thou little impertinent God,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>From whence all thy Subjects have taken the Mode</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To grow fond of a Change, to whatever it be,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And I'll tell thee why those wou'd be bound, who are free.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i24">Chorus.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>For Change, we're for Change, to whatever it be,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>We are neither contented with Freedom nor Thee.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Constancy's an empty Sound,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Heaven, and Earth, and all go round,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>All the Works of Nature move,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>And the Joys of Life and Love</em><br /></span> -<span class="i8"><em>Are in Variety.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Cupid. 3.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Were Love the Reward of a pains-taking Life,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Had a Husband the Art to be fond of his Wife;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Were Virtue so plenty, a Wife cou'd afford,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>These very hard Times, to be true to her Lord;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Some specious Account might be given of those</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Who are ty'd by the Tail, to be led by the Nose.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i18">4.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>But since 'tis the Fate of a Man and his Wife,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To consume all their Days in Contention and Strife:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Since whatever the Bounty of Heaven may create her,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He's morally sure he shall heartily hate her;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>I think 'twere much wiser to ramble at large,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And the Volleys of Love on the Herd to discharge.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Hymen. 5.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Some colour of Reason thy Counsel might bear,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Cou'd a Man have no more than his Wife to his share;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Or were I a Monarch so cruelly just,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To oblige a poor Wife to be true to her Trust;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But I have not pretended, for many Years past,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>By marrying of People, to make 'em grow chaste.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i18">6.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>I therefore advise thee to let me go on,</em><br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Thou'd find I'm the Strength and Support of thy Throne;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For hadst thou but Eyes, thou wouldst quickly perceive it,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>How smoothly the Dart</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Slips into the Heart</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Of a Woman that's Wed;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Whilst the shivering Maid</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Stands trembling, and wishing, but dare not receive it.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i24">Chorus.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i8"><em>For Change,</em> &c.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>The Mask ended, enter <span class="antiqua">Young Fash</span>, <span class="antiqua">Coupler</span>, and <span class="antiqua">Bull</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> So, very fine, very fine, i'faith; this is -something like a Wedding; now if Supper were but -ready, I'd say a short Grace; and if I had such a Bedfellow -as <em>Hoyden</em> to night——I'd say as short Prayers.</p> - -<p><em>Seeing Young Fash.</em> How now——what have we got -here? A Ghost? Nay, it must be so; for his Flesh and -Blood cou'd never have dar'd to appear before me. [<em>To -him.</em>] Ah, Rogue——</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Stap my Vitals, <em>Tam</em> again?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> My Lord, will you cut his Throat? Or shall I?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Leave him to me, Sir, if you please. -Pr'ythee, <em>Tam</em>, be so ingenuous now, as to tell me what -thy Business is here?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> 'Tis with your Bride.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Thau art the impudent'st Fellow that Nature -has yet spawn'd into the Warld, strike me speechless.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Why you know my Modesty wou'd have -starv'd me; I sent it a-begging to you, and you wou'd -not give it a Groat.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> And dost thau expect by an excess of Assurance -to extart a Maintenance fram me?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> [<em>Taking Miss by the Hand.</em>] I do intend to -extort your Mistress from you, and that I hope will prove -one.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> I ever thaught <em>Newgate</em> or <em>Bedlam</em> wou'd -be his Fartune, and naw his Fate's decided. Pr'ythee, -<em>Loveless</em>, dost knaw of ever a Mad Doctor hard by?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> There's one at your Elbow will cure you -presently.</p> - -<p><em>To Bull.</em> Pr'ythee, Doctor, take him in hand quickly.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Shall I beg the Favour of you, Sir, to pull -your Fingers out of my Wife's Hand?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> His Wife! Look you there; now I hope -you are all satisfy'd he's mad.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Naw is it not impassible far me to penetrate -what Species of Fally it is thou art driving at?</p> - -<p><em>Sir Tun.</em> Here, here, here, let me beat out his Brains, -and that will decide all.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> No, pray, Sir, hold, we'll destray him presently -according to Law.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> [<em>To</em> Bull.] Nay, then advance, Doctor: -come, you are a Man of Conscience, answer boldly to -the Questions I shall ask: Did not you marry me to -this young Lady, before ever that Gentleman there saw -her Face?</p> - -<p><em>Bull.</em> Since the Truth must out, I did.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Nurse, sweet Nurse, were not you a Witness -to it?</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Since my Conscience bids me speak——I was.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> [<em>To Miss.</em>] Madam, am not I your lawful -Husband?</p> - -<p><em>Miss.</em> Truly I can't tell, but you married me first.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Now I hope you are all satisfy'd?</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> [<em>Offering to strike him, is held by <span class="antiqua">Lov</span>. and <span class="antiqua">Wor</span>.</em>] -Oons and Thunder, you lye.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Pray, Sir, be calm, the Battle is in Disarder, -but requires more Canduct than Courage to rally our -Forces. Pray, Dactar, one word with you.</p> - -<p><em>To</em> Bull [<em>Aside.</em>] Look you, Sir, tho' I will not presume -to calculate your Notions of Damnation, fram the -Description you give us of Hell, yet since there is at -least a passibility you may have a Pitchfark thrust in -your Backside, methinks, it shou'd not be worth your -while to risk your Saul in the next Warld, for the sake -of a beggarly yaunger Brather, who is nat able to make -your Bady happy in this.</p> - -<p><em>Bull.</em> Alas! my Lord, I have no worldly Ends; I -speak the Truth, Heaven knows.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> Nay, pr'ythee, never engage Heaven in the -matter; far, by all I can see, 'tis like to prove a Business -for the Devil.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Come, pray, Sir, all above-board, no corrupting -of Evidences; if you please, this young Lady -is my lawful Wife, and I'll justify it in all the Courts of -<em>England</em>; so your Lordship (who always had a Passion -for Variety) may go seek a new Mistress, if you -think fit.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> I am struck dumb with his Impudence, and -cannot passitively tell whether ever I shall speak again, -or nat.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Then let me come and examine the Business -a little, I'll jerk the Truth out of 'em presently; here, -give me my Dog-Whip.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Look you, old Gentleman, 'tis in vain to -make a Noise; if you grow mutinous, I have some -Friends within Call, have Swords by their Sides, above -four Foot long; therefore be calm, hear the Evidence -patiently, and when the Jury have given their Verdict, -pass Sentence according to Law: Here's honest -<em>Coupler</em> shall be Foreman, and ask as many Questions as -he pleases.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> All I have to ask is, whether Nurse persists in -her Evidence? The Parson, I dare swear, will never -flinch from his.</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> [<em>To Sir <span class="antiqua">Tun</span>. kneeling.</em>] I hope in Heaven your -Worship will pardon me; I have served you long and -faithfully, but in this thing I was over-reach'd; your -Worship, however, was deceiv'd as, well as I; and if the -Wedding-Dinner had been ready, you had put Madam -to Bed with him with your own Hands.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> But how durst you do this, without acquainting -of me?</p> - -<p><em>Nurse.</em> Alas! if your Worship had seen how the poor -Thing begg'd, and pray'd, and clung, and twin'd about -me, like Ivy to an old Wall, you wou'd say, I who had -suckled it, and swaddled it, and nurst it both wet and -dry, must have had a Heart of Adamant to refuse it.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Very well.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Foreman, I expect your Verdict.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Ladies and Gentlemen, what's your Opinions?</p> - -<p><em>All.</em> A clear Case, a clear Case.</p> - -<p><em>Coup.</em> Then, my young Folks, I wish you Joy.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> [<em>To</em> Young Fash.] Come hither, Stripling; -if it be true, then, that thou hast marry'd my Daughter, -pr'ythee tell me who thou art?</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Sir, the best of my Condition is, I am -your Son-in-law; and the worst of it is, I am Brother -to that Noble Peer there.</p> - -<p>Sir <em>Tun.</em> Art thou Brother to that Noble Peer——Why -then, that Noble Peer, and thee, and thy Wife, -and the Nurse, and the Priest——may all go and be -damn'd together.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Sir <span class="antiqua">Tun</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lord Fop.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Naw, for my part, I think the -wisest thing a Man can do with an aking Heart, is to put -on a serene Countenance; for a Philosaphical Air is the -most becoming thing in the Warld to the Face of a -Person of Quality; I will therefore bear my Disgrace -like a Great Man, and let the People see I am above an -Affrant. [<em>To</em> Young Fash.] Dear <em>Tam</em>, since Things are -thus fallen aut, pr'ythee give me leave to wish thee Jay. -I do it <em>de bon Cœur</em>, strike me dumb: you have marry'd -a Woman beautiful in her Person, charming in her -Airs, prudent in her Canduct, canstant in her Inclinations, -and of a nice Marality, split my Wind-pipe.</p> - -<p><em>Young Fash.</em> Your Lardship may keep up your Spirits -with your Grimace, if you please; I shall support mine -with this Lady, and two thousand Pound a-year.</p> - -<p><em>Taking Miss.</em>] Come, Madam:</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i2">We once again, you see, are Man and Wife,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And now, perhaps, the Bargain's struck for Life:<br /></span> -<span class="i2">If I mistake, and we shou'd part again.<br /></span> -<span class="i2">At least you see you may have choice of Men:<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Nay, shou'd the War at length such Havock make,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">That Lovers shou'd grow scarce, yet for your sake,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Kind Heaven always will preserve a Beau—<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p> -<em>Pointing to</em> Lord Fop.] You'll find his Lordship ready to come to.}<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 36.5em;">}</span><br /> -<em>Lord Fop.</em> Her Ladyship shall stap my Vitals, if I do. }<br /> -</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-127.jpg" width="700" height="68" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="EPILOGUE2" id="EPILOGUE2">EPILOGUE,</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter">Spoken by</p> - -<p class="directcenter">Lord <span class="smcap">Foppington</span>. -</p> - -<p> -Gentlemen and Ladies,<br /> -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em><span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">T</span>hese</span> People have regal'd you here to-day</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>(In my Opinion) with a saucy Play;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>In which the Author does presume to shew,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>That Coxcomb,</em> ab Origine—<em>was Beau.</em><br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Truly I think the thing of so much weight,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>That if some sharp Chastisement ben't his Fate,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Gad's Curse, it may in time destroy the State.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>I hold no one its Friend, I must confess,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Who wou'd discauntenance you Men of Dress.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Far, give me leave t'abserve, good Clothes are Things</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Have ever been of great Support to Kings:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>All Treasons come fram Slovens; it is nat</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Within the reach of Gentle Beaux to plat;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They have no Gall; no Spleen, no Teeth, no Stings,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Of all Gad's Creatures, the most harmless Things.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Thro' all Recard, no Prince was ever slain</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>By one who had a Feather in his Brain,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They're Men of too refin'd an Education,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To squabble with a Court—for a vile dirty Nation.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>I'm very pasitive, you never saw</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>A tho'ro' Republican a finish'd Beau.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Nor truly shall you very often see</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>A <span class="antiqua">Jacobite</span> much better drest than he:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>In short, thro' all the Courts that I have been in,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Your Men of Mischief—still are in faul Linen.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Did ever one yet dance the <span class="antiqua">Tyburn</span> Jigg,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With a free Air, or a well pawder'd Wig?</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Did ever Highway-man yet bid you stand,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With a sweet bawdy Snuff-Box in his Hand?</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Ar do you ever find they ask your Purse</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>As Men of Breeding do?——Ladies, Gad's Curse,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>This Author is a Dag, and 'tis not fit</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>You shou'd allow him e'en one Grain of Wit:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To which, that his Pretence may ne'er be nam'd,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>My humble Motion is——he may be damn'd.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/wingding-128.jpg" width="700" height="436" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-129.jpg" width="700" height="72" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h2><a name="THE3" id="THE3">THE</a><br /> - -PROVOK'D WIFE.<br /> - -A<br /> - -COMEDY.</h2> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-129.jpg" width="700" height="72" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a><br /><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-131.jpg" width="700" height="76" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="PROLOGUE3" id="PROLOGUE3">PROLOGUE.</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter">Spoken by Mrs. <em>Bracegirdle</em>. -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em><span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">S</span>ince</span> 'tis th' Intent and Business of the Stage,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To copy out the Follies of the Age;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To hold to every Man a faithful Glass,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And shew him of what Species he's an Ass:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>I hope the next that teaches in the School,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Will shew our Author he's a scribbling Fool.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And that the Satire may be sure to bite,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Kind Heav'n! inspire some venom'd Priest to write,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And grant some ugly Lady may indite.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For I wou'd have him lash'd, by Heavens! I wou'd,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Till his Presumption swam away in Blood.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Three Plays at once proclaim a Face of Brass,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>No matter what they are; That's not the Case—</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To write three Plays, e'en that's to be an Ass.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But what I least forgive, he knows it too,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For to his Cost he lately has known you—</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Experience shews, to many a Writer's Smart,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>You hold a Court where Mercy ne'er had part;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>So much of the old Serpent's Sting you have,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>You love to Damn, as Heaven delights to Save.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>In foreign Parts, let a bold Volunteer,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For Public Good, upon the Stage appear,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He meets ten thousand Smiles to dissipate his Fear.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>All tickle on th' adventuring young Beginner,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And only scourge th' incorrigible Sinner;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They touch indeed his Faults, but with a Hand</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>So gentle, that his Merit still may stand;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Kindly they buoy the Follies of his Pen,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>That he may shun 'em when he writes again.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But 'tis not so in this good-natur'd Town,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>All's one, an Ox, a Poet, or a Crown;</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Old <span class="antiqua">England</span>'s Play was always knocking down.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="Dramatis_Personae3" id="Dramatis_Personae3">Dramatis Personæ.</a></h3> - - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Dramatis Personæ"> - <tr> - <th colspan="2">MEN.</th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Constant</em>,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Verbruggen</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Heartfree</em>,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Hudson</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Sir <em>John Brute</em>,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Betterton</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Treble</em>, a Singing-Master,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Bowman</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Rasor</em>, Valet de Chambre to Sir <em>John Brute</em>,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Bowen</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Justice of the Peace,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Bright</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Lord <em>Rake</em>,</td> - <td rowspan="2" class="bl">Companions to Sir <em>John Brute</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Col. <em>Bully</em>,</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2" class="tdc">Constable <em>and</em> Watch.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <th colspan="2">WOMEN.</th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Lady <em>Brute</em>,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Barry</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Belinda</em>, her Niece,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Bracegirdle</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Lady <em>Fancyfull</em>,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Bowman</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Madamoiselle</em>,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Willis</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Cornet</em> and <em>Pipe</em>, Servants to Lady <em>Fancyfull</em>.</td> - </tr> -</table></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span> -<img src="images/bar-133.jpg" width="700" height="81" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p class="ph2">THE<br /> -PROVOK'D WIFE. -</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-023b.jpg" width="700" height="37" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_I_SCENE_I3" id="ACT_I_SCENE_I3"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> I. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - -<p class="directcenter"><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Sir <span class="antiqua">John Brute</span>'s House</em>. -</p> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span>, solus.</em> -</p> - -<p class="drop-capw"><span class="smcap">What</span> cloying Meat is Love—when Matrimony's -the Sauce to it! Two Years Marriage -has debauch'd my five Senses. Every thing I see, every -thing I hear, every thing I feel, every thing I smell, -and every thing I taste—methinks has Wife in't. No -Boy was ever so weary of his Tutor, no Girl of her Bib, -no Nun of doing Penance, or old Maid of being chaste, -as I am of being married. Sure there's a secret Curse -entail'd upon the very Name of Wife. My Lady is a -young Lady, a fine Lady, a witty Lady, a virtuous -Lady,—and yet I hate her. There is but one thing -on Earth I loath beyond her: That's Fighting. Would -my Courage come up to a fourth part of my Ill-Nature, -I'd stand buff to her Relations, and thrust her out of -doors. But Marriage has sunk me down to such an Ebb -of Resolution, I dare not draw my Sword, tho' even to -get rid of my Wife. But here she comes.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lady Brute</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Do you dine at home to-day, Sir <em>John</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Why, do you expect I should tell you -what I don't know myself?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> I thought there was no harm in asking you.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> If thinking wrong were an excuse for Impertinence, -Women might be justify'd in most things -they say or do.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> I'm sorry I have said any thing to displease -you.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sorrow for things past is of as little importance -to me, as my dining at home or abroad ought to -be to you.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> My Enquiry was only that I might have -provided what you lik'd.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Six to four you had been in the wrong -there again; for what I lik'd yesterday I don't like to-day; -and what I like to-day, 'tis odds I mayn't like -to-morrow.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> But if I had ask'd you what you lik'd?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Why then there wou'd have been more asking -about it than the thing was worth.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> I wish I did but know how I might please -you.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Ay, but that sort of Knowledge is not a -Wife's Talent.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Whate'er my Talent is, I'm sure my Will -has ever been to make you easy.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> If Women were to have their Wills, the -World wou'd be finely govern'd.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> What reason have I given you to use me -as you do of late? It once was otherwise: You marry'd -me for Love.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> And you me for Money: So you have your -Reward, and I have mine.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> What is it that disturbs you?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> A Parson.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Why, what has he done to you?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> He has married me.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Lady <span class="antiqua">Brute</span> sola.</em> -</p> - -<p>The Devil's in the Fellow, I think——I was told before -I married him, that thus 'twou'd be: But I thought -I had Charms enough to govern him; and that where -there was an Estate, a Woman must needs be happy; -so my Vanity has deceiv'd me, and my Ambition has -made me uneasy. But there's some Comfort still; if one -wou'd be reveng'd of him, these are good times; a Woman -may have a Gallant, and a separate Maintenance -too—The surly Puppy—yet he's a Fool for't: for -hitherto he has been no Monster: But who knows how -far he may provoke me? I never lov'd him, yet I have -been ever true to him; and that, in spite of all the Attacks -of Art and Nature upon a poor weak Woman's -Heart, in favour of a tempting Lover. Methinks so -noble a Defence as I have made, shou'd be rewarded with -a better Usage—Or who can tell?——Perhaps a good -part of what I suffer from my Husband, may be a -Judgment upon me for my Cruelty to my Lover.——Lord, -with what pleasure could I indulge that Thought, -were there but a Possibility of finding Arguments to -make it good!—--And how do I know but there may?—Let -me see——What opposes?—My matrimonial -Vow——Why, what did I vow? I think I promis'd to -be true to my Husband. Well; and he promis'd to be -kind to me. But he han't kept his Word——Why then -I'm absolv'd from mine—Ay, that seems clear to me. -The Argument's good between the King and the People, -why not between the Husband and the Wife? O, but -that Condition was not exprest—No matter, 'twas understood. -Well, by all I see, if I argue the matter a little -longer with myself, I shan't find so many Bug-bears -in the Way as I thought I shou'd. Lord, what fine -Notions of Virtue do we Women take up upon the -Credit of old foolish Philosophers! Virtue's its own -Reward, Virtue's this, Virtue's that——Virtue's an -Ass, and a Gallant's worth forty on't.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Belinda</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Good-morrow, dear Cousin.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Good-morrow, Madam; you look pleas'd this -Morning.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> I am so.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> With what, pray?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> With my Husband.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Drown Husbands; for your's is a provoking -Fellow: As he went out just now, I pray'd him to tell -me what time of Day 'twas; and he ask'd me if I took -him for the Church-Clock, that was oblig'd to tell all -the Parish.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> He has been saying some good obliging -things to me too. In short, <em>Belinda</em>, he has us'd me so -barbarously of late, that I cou'd almost resolve to play -the downright Wife—and cuckold him.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> That would be downright indeed.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Why, after all, there's more to be said -for't than you'd imagine, Child. I know, according to -the strict Statute-Law of Religion, I shou'd do wrong: -But if there were a Court of Chancery in Heav'n, I'm -sure I shou'd cast him.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> If there were a House of Lords, you might.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> In either I should infallibly carry my -Cause. Why, he is the first Aggressor, not I.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Ay, but you know we must return Good for -Evil.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> That may be a Mistake in the Translation—Pr'ythee -be of my Opinion, <em>Belinda</em>; for I'm -positive I'm in the right; and if you'll keep up the Prerogative -of a Woman, you'll likewise be positive you -are in the right, whenever you do any thing you have -a mind to. But I shall play the Fool, and jest on, till -I make you begin to think I'm in earnest.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> I shan't take the Liberty, Madam, to think of -any thing that you desire to keep a Secret from me.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Alas, my Dear, I have no Secrets. My -Heart cou'd never yet confine my Tongue.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Your Eyes, you mean; for I'm sure I have seen -them gadding, when your Tongue has been lock'd up -safe enough.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> My Eyes gadding! Pr'ythee after who, -Child?</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Why, after one that thinks you hate him, as -much as I know you love him.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> <em>Constant</em> you mean.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> I do so.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Lord, what shou'd put such a thing into -your Head?</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> That which puts things into most People's Heads, -Observation.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Why what have you observ'd, in the -Name of Wonder?</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> I have observed you blush when you met him; -force yourself away from him; and then be out of humour -with every thing about you: In a Word, never -was poor Creature so spurr'd on by Desire, and so -rein'd in with Fear.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> How strong is Fancy!</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> How weak is Woman!</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Pr'ythee, Niece, have a better Opinion -of your Aunt's Inclination.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Dear Aunt, have a better Opinion of your -Niece's Understanding.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> You'll make me angry.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> You'll make me laugh.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Then you are resolv'd to persist?</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Positively.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> And all I can say——</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Will signify nothing.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Tho' I should swear 'twere false—</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> I should think it true.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Then let us both forgive; [<em>Kissing her.</em>] -for we have both offended: I, in making a Secret; you, -in discovering it.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Good Nature may do much: But you have more -Reason to forgive one, than I have to pardon t'other.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> 'Tis true, <em>Belinda</em>, you have given me so -many Proofs of your Friendship, that my Reserve has -been indeed a Crime: But that you may more easily -forgive me, remember, Child, that when our Nature -prompts us to a thing our Honour and Religion have -forbid us; we wou'd (wer't possible) conceal even from -the Soul itself, the Knowledge of the Body's Weakness.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Well, I hope, to make your Friend amends, -you'll hide nothing from her for the future, tho' the -Body shou'd still grow weaker and weaker.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> No, from this Moment I have no more -Reserve; and for a Proof of my Repentance, I own, -<em>Belinda</em>, I'm in danger. Merit and Wit assault me from -without; Nature and Love sollicit me within; my -Husband's barbarous Usage piques me to Revenge; -and <em>Satan</em>, catching at the fair Occasion, throws in my -way that Vengeance, which of all Vengeance pleases -Women best.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> 'Tis well <em>Constant</em> don't know the Weakness of -the Fortification; for o' my Conscience he'd soon come -on to the Assault.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Ay, and I'm afraid carry the Town too. -But whatever you may have observ'd, I have dissembled -so well as to keep him ignorant. So you see I'm no -Coquette, <em>Belinda</em>: And if you follow my Advice, you'll -never be one neither. 'Tis true, Coquetry is one of the -main Ingredients in the natural Composition of a Woman; -and I, as well as others, cou'd be well enough -pleas'd to see a Crowd of young Fellows ogling, and -glancing, and watching all Occasions to do forty foolish -officious Things: Nay, shou'd some of 'em push on, -even to hanging or drowning, why—'faith—if I -shou'd let pure Woman alone, I shou'd e'en be but too -well pleas'd with it.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> I'll swear 'twould tickle me strangely.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> But after all, 'tis a vicious Practice in us, -to give the least Encouragement but where we design -to come to a Conclusion. For 'tis an unreasonable thing<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span> -to engage a Man in a Disease, which we beforehand -resolve we never will apply a Cure to.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> 'Tis true; but then a Woman must abandon one -of the supreme Blessings of her Life. For I am fully -convinc'd, no Man has half that Pleasure in possessing -a Mistress, as a Woman has in jilting a Gallant.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> The happiest Woman then on Earth must -be our Neighbour.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> O the impertinent Composition! She has Vanity -and Affectation enough to make her a ridiculous Original, -in spite of all that Art and Nature ever furnish'd -to any of her Sex before her.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> She concludes all Men her Captives; and -whatever Course they take, it serves to confirm her in -that Opinion.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> If they shun her, she thinks 'tis Modesty, and -takes it for a Proof of their Passion.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> And if they are rude to her, 'tis Conduct, -and done to prevent Town-talk.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> When her Folly makes 'em laugh; she thinks -they are pleased with her Wit.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> And when her Impertinence makes 'em -dull, concludes they are jealous of her Favours.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> All their Actions and their Words, she takes for -granted, aim at her.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> And pities all other Women, because she -thinks they envy her.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Pray, out of pity to ourselves, let us find a better -Subject; for I'm weary of this. Do you think your -Husband inclined to Jealousy?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> O, no; he does not love me well enough -for that. Lord, how wrong Men's Maxims are! They -are seldom jealous of their Wives, unless they are very -fond of 'em; whereas they ought to consider the Women's -Inclinations; for there depends their Fate. Well, Men -may talk; But they are not so wise as we——that's certain.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> At least in our Affairs.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Nay, I believe we shou'd out-do 'em in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span> -the Business of the State too: For, methinks, they do -and undo, and make but bad Work on't.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Why then don't we get into the Intrigues of -Government as well as they?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Because we have Intrigues of our own, -that make us more Sport, Child. And so let's in and -consider of 'em.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>A Dressing-Room</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Fancyfull</span>, <span class="antiqua">Madamoiselle</span>, and <span class="antiqua">Cornet</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> How do I look this Morning?</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Your Ladyship looks very ill, truly.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Lard, how ill-natur'd thou art, <em>Cornet</em>, to -tell me so, tho' the thing shou'd be true! Don't you -know that I have Humility enough to be but too easily -out of Conceit with myself? Hold the Glass; I dare -swear that will have more Manners than you have. <em>Madamoiselle</em>, -let me have your Opinion too.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> My opinion pe, Matam, dat your Latyship -never look so well in your Life.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Well, the <em>French</em> are the prettiest, obliging -People; they say the most acceptable, well-manner'd -things—and never flatter.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Your Latyship say great Justice inteed.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Nay, every thing's just in my House but -<em>Cornet</em>. The very Looking-Glass gives her the <em>Dementi</em>. -But I'm almost afraid it flatters me, it makes me -look so very engaging.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Looking affectedly in the Glass.</em></p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Inteed, Matam, your face pe handsomer -den all de Looking-Glass in de World, <em>croyez moy</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> But is it possible my Eyes can be so languishing—and -so very full of Fire?</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Matam, if de Glass was Burning-Glass, I -believe your Eyes set de Fire in de House.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> You may take that Night-gown, <em>Madamoiselle</em>; -get out of the Room, <em>Cornet</em>; I can't endure you. -This Wench, methinks, does look so unsufferably ugly.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Every ting look ugly, Matam, dat stand by -your Latyship.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> No really, <em>Madamoiselle</em>, methinks you -look mighty pretty.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Ah Matam! de Moon have no Eclat ven de -Sun appear.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> O pretty Expression! Have you ever been -in Love, <em>Madamoiselle</em>?</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Ouy</em>, Matame.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Sighing.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> And were you belov'd again?</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Non</em>, Matame.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> O ye Gods! What an unfortunate Creature -shou'd I be in such a Case! But Nature has made -me nice, for my own Defence: I'm nice, strangely nice, -<em>Madamoiselle</em>; I believe were the Merit of whole Mankind -bestow'd upon one single Person, I shou'd still think -the Fellow wanted something to make it worth my -while to take notice of him; and yet I could love; nay, -fondly love, were it possible to have a thing made on -purpose for me: For I'm not cruel, <em>Madamoiselle</em>; I'm -only nice.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Ah Matam, I wish I was fine Gentleman -for your sake. I do all de ting in de World to get leetel -way into your Heart. I make Song, I make Verse, I -give you de Serenade, I give great many Present to -<em>Madamoiselle</em>; I no eat, I no sleep, I be lean, I be mad, -I hang myself, I drown myself. <em>Ah ma chere Dame, -que je vous aimerois!</em></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Embracing her.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Well, the <em>French</em> have strange obliging -ways with 'em; you may take those two pair of Gloves, -<em>Madamoiselle</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Me humbly tanke my sweet Lady.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Cornet</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Madam, here's a Letter for your Ladyship by -the Penny Post.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Some new Conquest, I'll warrant you. -For without Vanity, I look'd extremely clear last Night -when I went to the Park.—O agreeable! Here's a new -Song made of me: And ready set too. O thou welcome -thing! [<em>Kissing it.</em>] Call <em>Pipe</em> hither, she shall sing it -instantly.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Pipe</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Here, sing me this new Song, <em>Pipe</em>.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i14">SONG.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i18">I.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Fly, fly, you happy Shepherds, fly;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Avoid <span class="antiqua">Philira</span>'s Charms;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Rigour of her Heart denies</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>The Heaven that's in her Arms.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Ne'er hope to gaze, and then retire,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Nor yielding, to be blest;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Nature, who form'd her Eyes of Fire,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Of Ice compos'd her Breast.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i20">II.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Yet, lovely Maid, this once believe</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>A Slave whose Zeal you move;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Gods, alas! your Youth deceive,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Their Heav'n consists in Love.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>In spite of all the Thanks you owe,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>You may reproach 'em this;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>That where they did their Form bestow,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>They have deny'd their Bliss.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Well, there may be Faults, <em>Madamoiselle</em>, -but the Design is so very obliging, 'twou'd be a matchless -Ingratitude in me to discover 'em.</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Ma foy, Madame</em>, I tink de Gentleman's -Song tell you de Trute. If you never love, you never -be happy—Ah—<em>que l'aime l'amour moy</em>!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Servant with another Letter.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Ser.</em> Madam, here's another Letter for your Ladyship.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> 'Tis this way I am importun'd every Morn<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span>ing, -<em>Madamoiselle</em>. Pray how do the <em>French</em> Ladies when -they are thus <em>accablées</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Matam, dey never complain. <em>Au contraire</em>, -when one <em>Frense</em> Laty have got hundred Lover—den -she do all she can—to get a hundred more.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Well, strike me dead, I think they have <em>le -Gout bon</em>. For 'tis an unutterable Pleasure to be ador'd -by all the Men, and envy'd by all the Women——Yet -I'll swear I'm concern'd at the Torture I give 'em. -Lard, why was I form'd to make the whole Creation -uneasy! But let me read my Letter. [<em>Reads.</em>]</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>"If you have a mind to hear of your Faults, instead -of being prais'd for your Virtues, take the -pains to walk in the Green-walk in St. <em>James</em>'s with -your Woman an Hour hence. You'll there meet one, -who hates you for some things, as he cou'd love you -for others, and therefore is willing to endeavour your -Reformation.——If you come to the Place I mention, -you'll know who I am: If you don't, you never -shall: so take your Choice."</p></div> - -<p>This is strangely familiar, <em>Madamoiselle</em>; now have I -a provoking Fancy to know who this impudent Fellow is.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Den take your Scarf and your Mask, and -go to de Rendezvous. De <em>Frense</em> Laty do <em>justement -comme ça</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Rendezvous! What, rendezvous with a -Man, <em>Madamoiselle</em>!</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Eh, pourquoy non?</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> What, and a Man perhaps I never saw in -my Life?</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Tant mieux: c'est donc quelque chose de nouveau.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Why, how do I know what Designs he -may have? He may intend to ravish me, for aught I -know.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Ravish!—<em>Bagatelle</em>. I would fain see one -impudent Rogue ravish <em>Madamoiselle: Ouy, je le voudrois</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em>.O, but my Reputation, <em>Madamoiselle!</em> my -Reputation! <em>Ah ma chere Reputation!</em></p> - -<p>Madam. <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span><em>Madame—Quand on la une fois perdue—On -n'en est plus embarassée.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Fe, <em>Madamoiselle</em>, Fe! Reputation is a -Jewel.</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Qui coute bien chere, Madame.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Why sure you would not sacrifice your -Honour to your Pleasure?</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Je suis Philosophe.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Bless me, how you talk! Why, what if -Honour be a Burden, <em>Madamoiselle</em>, must it not be borne?</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Chaqu'un a sa façon—Quand quelque chose -m'incommode moy—je m'en defais vite.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Get you gone, you little naughty <em>French-woman</em>, -you; I vow and swear I must turn you out of -doors, if you talk thus.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Turn me out of doors!—--Turn yourself out -of doors, and go see what de Gentleman have to say -to you—<em>Tenez</em>. <em>Voila</em> [Giving her her things hastily.] -<em>vostre Esharpe</em>, <em>voila vostre Quoife</em>, <em>voila vostre Masque</em>, -<em>voila tout</em>. <em>Hey</em>, <em>Mercure</em>, <em>Coquin</em>: Call one Chair for -Matam, and one oder [<em>Calling within.</em>] for me: <em>Va t'en -vite</em>. [Turning to her Lady, and helping her on hastily -with her things.] <em>Allons, Madame, depechez vous donc. -Mon Dieu, quelles Scrupules!</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Well, for once, <em>Madamoiselle</em>, I'll follow -your Advice, out of the intemperate Desire I have to -know who this ill-bred Fellow is. But I have too much -<em>Delicatesse</em>, to make a Practice on't.</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Belle chose vrayment que la Delicatesse, lors -qu'il s'agit de se devertir—à ça—Vous voila equipés, -partons.—He bien!—qu'avez vous donc?</em></p> - -<p>Lady Fan. <em>J'ay peur.</em></p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Je n'en ay point moy.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> I dare not go.</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Demeurez donc.</em></p> - -<p>Lady Fan. <em>Je suis poltrone.</em></p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Tant pis pour vous.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Curiosity's a wicked Devil.</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>C'est une charmante Sainte.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> It ruined our first Parents.</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Elle a bien diverti leurs Enfans.</em></p> - -<p>Lady Fan. <em>L'Honneur est contre.</em></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p> - -<p>Madam. <em>La Plaisir est pour.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Must I then go?</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Must you go?—Must you eat, must you -drink, must you sleep, must you live? De Nature bid -you do one, de Nature bid you do toder. <em>Vous me ferez -enrager.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> But when Reason corrects Nature, <em>Madamoiselle</em>——</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Elle est donc bien insolente, c'est sa Sœur aisnée.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Do you then prefer your Nature to your -Reason, <em>Madamoiselle</em>?</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Ouy da.</em></p> - -<p>Lady Fan. <em>Pourquoy?</em></p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Because my Nature make me merry, my -Reason make me mad.</p> - -<p>Lady Fan. <em>Ah la mechante Françoise!</em></p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Ah la belle Angloise!</em></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Forcing her Lady off.</em></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-145.jpg" width="700" height="41" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_II3" id="ACT_II3"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> II.</a></h3> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>St. <span class="antiqua">James</span>'s Park</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Fancyfull and Madamoiselle</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">W</span>ell</span>, I vow, <em>Madamoiselle</em>, I'm strangely -impatient to know who this confident -Fellow is.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Heartfree</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Look, there's <em>Heartfree</em>. But sure it can't be him; -he's a profess'd Woman-hater. Yet who knows what -my wicked Eyes may have done?</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Il nous approche, Madame.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Yes, 'tis he: now will he be most intolerably -cavalier, tho' he should be in love with me.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Madam, I'm your humble Servant; I per<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span>ceive -you have more Humility and Good-Nature than I -thought you had.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> What you attribute to Humility and Good-Nature, -Sir, may perhaps be only due to Curiosity. I -had a mind to know who 'twas had ill manners enough -to write that Letter.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Throwing him his Letter.</em></p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Well, and now I hope you are satisfy'd.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> I am so, Sir: Good by t'ye.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Nay, hold there; tho' you have done your -Business, I han't done mine: By your Ladyship's leave, -we must have one Moment's Prattle together. Have you -a mind to be the prettiest Woman about Town, or not? -How she stares upon me! What! this passes for an impertinent -Question with you now, because you think -you are so already?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Pray, Sir, let me ask you a Question in my -Turn: By what Right do you pretend to examine me?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> By the same Right that the strong govern the -weak, because I have you in my power; for you cannot -get so quickly to your Coach, but I shall have time -enough to make you hear every thing I have to say to -you.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> These are strange Liberties you take, Mr. -<em>Heartfree</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> They are so, Madam, but there's no help for -it; for know that I have a Design upon you.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Upon me, Sir!</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Yes; and one that will turn to your Glory, -and my Comfort, if you will but be a little wiser than -you use to be.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Very well, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Let me see——Your Vanity, Madam, I -take to be about some eight Degrees higher than any -Woman's in the Town, let t'other be who she will; and -my Indifference is naturally about the same Pitch. Now, -could you find the way to turn this Indifference into Fire -and Flames, methinks your Vanity ought to be satisfy'd; -and this, perhaps, you might bring about upon pretty -reasonable Terms.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> And pray at what rate would this Indifference -be bought off, if one shou'd have so depraved an -Appetite to desire it?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Why, Madam, to drive a Quaker's Bargain, -and make but one word with you, if I do part with it—you -must lay me down—your Affectation.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> My Affectation, Sir!</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Why, I ask you nothing but what you may -very well spare.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> You grow rude, Sir. Come, <em>Madamoiselle</em>, -'tis high time to be gone.</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Allons, allons, allons.</em></p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> [<em>Stopping them.</em>] Nay, you may as well stand -still; for hear me you shall, walk which way you please.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> What mean you, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> I mean to tell you, that you are the most ungrateful -Woman upon Earth.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Ungrateful! To whom?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> To Nature.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Why, what has Nature done for me?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> What you have undone by Art! It made you -handsome; it gave you Beauty to a Miracle, a Shape -without a Fault, Wit enough to make them relish, and so -turn'd you loose to your own Discretion; which has -made such work with you, that you are become the Pity -of our Sex, and the Jest of your own. There is not a -Feature in your Face, but you have found the way to -teach it some affected Convulsion; your Feet, your -Hands, your very Fingers Ends are directed never to -move without some ridiculous Air or other; and your -Language is a suitable Trumpet, to draw people's Eyes -upon the Raree-show.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> [aside] <em>Est ce qu'on fait l'amour en Angleterre -comme ça?</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Now cou'd I cry for Madness, but -that I know he'd laugh at me for it.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Now do you hate me for telling you the Truth, -but that's because you don't believe it is so; for were -you once convinc'd of that, you'd reform for your own -sake. But 'tis as hard to persuade a Woman to quit any<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> -thing that makes her ridiculous, as 'tis to prevail with -a Poet to see a Fault in his own Play.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Every Circumstance of nice Breeding must -needs appear ridiculous to one who has so natural an -Antipathy to Good-manners.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> But suppose I could find the means to convince -you, that the whole World is of my Opinion, and -that those who flatter and commend you, do it to no -other Intent, but to make you persevere in your Folly, -that they may continue in their Mirth.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Sir, tho' you and all that World you talk of -shou'd be so impertinently officious, as to think to persuade -me I don't know how to behave myself; I shou'd -still have Charity enough for my own Understanding, to -believe myself in the right, and all you in the wrong.</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Le voila mort.</em></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt Lady <span class="antiqua">Fancyfull</span> and <span class="antiqua">Madamoiselle</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> [<em>Gazing after her.</em>] There her single Clapper has -publish'd the Sense of the whole Sex. Well, this once -I have endeavour'd to wash the Blackamoor white, but -henceforward I'll sooner undertake to teach Sincerity -to a Courtier, Generosity to an Usurer, Honesty to a -Lawyer, nay, Humility to a Divine, than Discretion to -a Woman I see has once set her Heart upon playing the -Fool.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Constant</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>'Morrow, <em>Constant</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Good-morrow, <em>Jack</em>! What are you doing here -this Morning?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Doing! Guess, if thou canst.——Why I have -been endeavouring to persuade my Lady <em>Fancyfull</em>, that -she's the foolishest Woman about Town.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> A pretty Endeavour, truly!</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> I have told her in as plain <em>English</em> as I could -speak, both what the Town says of her, and what I -think of her. In short, I have us'd her as an absolute -King would do <em>Magna Charta</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> And how does she take it?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> As Children do Pills; bite them, but can't -swallow them.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> But, pr'ythee, what has put it into your Head, -of all Mankind, to turn Reformer?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Why one thing was, the Morning hung upon -my Hands, I did not know what to do with myself; and -another was, that as little as I care for Women, I cou'd -not see with Patience one that Heaven had taken such -wondrous Pains about, be so very industrious to make -herself the Jack-pudding of the Creation.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Well, now could I almost wish to see my cruel -Mistress make the self-same Use of what Heaven has -done for her, that so I might be cur'd of a Disease that -makes me so very uneasy; for Love, Love is the Devil, -<em>Heartfree</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> And why do you let the Devil govern you?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Because I have more Flesh and Blood than -Grace and Self-denial. My dear, dear Mistress! 'S death! -that so genteel a Woman should be a Saint, when Religion's -out of Fashion!</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Nay, she's much in the wrong, truly; but -who knows how far Time and good Example may prevail?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> O! they have play'd their Parts in vain already: -'Tis now two Years since that damned Fellow her Husband -invited me to his Wedding; and there was the first -time I saw that charming Woman, whom I have lov'd -ever since, more than e'er a Martyr did his Soul; but -she is cold, my Friend, still cold as the Northern Star.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> So are all Women by Nature, which makes -them so willing to be warm'd.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> O don't prophane the Sex! Pr'ythee, think them -all Angels for her sake; for she's virtuous even to a Fault.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> A Lover's Head is a good accountable Thing -truly; he adores his Mistress for being virtuous, and yet -is very angry with her because she won't be lewd.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Well, the only Relief I expect in my Misery, -is to see thee some Day or other as deeply engag'd as -myself, which will force me to be merry in the midst of -all my Misfortunes.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> That Day will never come, be assur'd, <em>Ned</em>. -Not but that I can pass a Night with a Woman, and for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> -the time, perhaps; make myself as good Sport as you can -do. Nay, I can court a Woman too, call her Nymph, -Angel, Goddess, what you please: But here's the Difference -'twixt you and I; I persuade a Woman she's an -Angel, and she persuades you she's one. Pr'ythee, let -me tell you how I avoid falling in Love; that which -serves me for Prevention, may chance to serve you for a -Cure.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Well, use the Ladies moderately then, and I'll -hear you.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> That using them moderately undoes us all; -but I'll use them justly, and that you ought to be satisfied -with. I always consider a Woman, not as the Taylor, -the Shoemaker, the Tire-woman, the Sempstress, and -(which is more than all that) the Poet makes her; but I -consider her as pure Nature has contrived her, and that -more strictly than I shou'd have done our old Grandmother -<em>Eve</em>, had I seen her naked in the Garden; for -I consider her turn'd inside out. Her Heart well examin'd, -I find there Pride, Vanity, Covetousness, Indiscretion, -but above all things, Malice; plots eternally -a-forging to destroy one another's Reputations, and as -honestly to charge the Levity of Men's Tongues with the -Scandal; hourly Debates how to make poor Gentlemen -in love with them, with no other Intent but to use them -like Dogs when they have done; a constant Desire of -doing more Mischief, and an everlasting War wag'd -against Truth and Good-Nature.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Very well, Sir! An admirable Composition, -truly!</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Then for her Outside, I consider it merely as -an Outside; she has a thin Tiffany Covering over just -such Stuff as you and I are made on. As for her Motion, -her Mien, her Airs, and all those Tricks, I know they -affect you mightily. If you should see your Mistress at a -Coronation dragging her Peacock's Train, with all her -State and Insolence about her, 'twou'd strike you with -all the awful Thoughts that Heav'n itself could pretend -to from you; whereas I turn the whole Matter into a Jest, -and suppose her strutting in the self-same stately Manner,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> -with nothing on her but her Stays and her under scanty -quilted Petticoat.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Hold thy profane Tongue; for I'll hear no -more.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> What, you'll love on, then?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Yes, to Eternity.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Yet you have no hopes at all?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> None.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Nay, the Resolution may be discreet enough; -perhaps you have found out some new Philosophy, that -Love, like Virtue, is its own Reward: So you and your -Mistress will be as well content at a Distance, as others -that have less Learning are in coming together.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> No; but if she should prove kind at last, my -dear <em>Heartfree</em>—</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Embracing him</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Nay, pr'ythee, don't take me for your Mistress; -for Lovers are very troublesome.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Well; who knows what Time may do?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> And just now he was sure Time could do -nothing.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Yet not one kind Glance in two Years, is somewhat -strange.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Not strange at all; she don't like you, that's -all the Business.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Pr'ythee, don't distract me.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Nay, you are a good handsome young Fellow, -she might use you better: Come, will you go see her? -Perhaps she may have chang'd her Mind; there's some -Hopes as long as she's a Woman.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> O, 'tis in vain to visit her! Sometimes to get a -Sight of her, I visit that Beast her Husband; but she certainly -finds some Pretence to quit the Room as soon as I -enter.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> 'Tis much she don't tell him you have made -Love to her too; for that's another good-natur'd thing -usual amongst Women, in which they have several Ends. -Sometimes 'tis to recommend their Virtue, that they may -be lewd with the greater Security. Sometimes 'tis to -make their Husbands fight, in hopes they may be kill'd, -when their Affairs require it should be so: but most com<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span>monly -'tis to engage two Men in a Quarrel, that they -may have the Credit of being fought for; and if the -Lover's kill'd in the Business, they cry, <em>Poor Fellow, he -had ill Luck</em>——and so they go to Cards.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Thy Injuries to Women are not to be forgiven. -Look to't, if ever thou dost fall into their Hands——</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> They can't use me worse than they do you, -that speak well of 'em. O ho! here comes the Knight.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Sir <span class="antiqua">John Brute</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Your humble Servant, Sir <em>John</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Servant, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> How does all your Family?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Pox o' my Family!</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> How does your Lady? I han't seen her abroad -a good while.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Do! I don't know how she does, not I; -she was well enough Yesterday; I han't been at home -to-night.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> What, were you out of Town?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Out of Town! No, I was drinking.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> You are a true <em>Englishman</em>; don't know your -own Happiness. If I were married to such a Woman, I -would not be from her a Night for all the Wine in -<em>France</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Not from her!—--'Oons——what a time -should a Man have of that!</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Why, there's no Division, I hope.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> No; but there's a Conjunction, and that's -worse; a Pox of the Parson——Why the plague -don't you two marry? I fancy I look like the Devil to -you.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Why, you don't think you have Horns, do -you?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> No, I believe my Wife's Religion will keep -her honest.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> And what will make her keep her Religion?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Persecution; and therefore she shall have it.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Have a care, Knight! Women are tender -things.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> And yet, methinks, 'tis a hard Matter to -break their Hearts.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Fy, fy! You have one of the best Wives in the -World, and yet you seem the most uneasy Husband.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Best Wives! The Woman's well enough; -she has no Vice that I know of, but she's a Wife, and—damn -a Wife! If I were married to a Hogshead of -Claret, Matrimony would make me hate it.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Why did you marry, then? You were old -enough to know your own Mind.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Why did I marry? I married because I had -a mind to lie with her, and she would not let me.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Why did you not ravish her?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Yes, and so have hedg'd myself into forty -Quarrels with her Relations, besides buying my pardon: -But more than all that, you must know, I was afraid of -being damn'd in those days: For I kept sneaking, -cowardly Company, Fellows that went to Church, said -Grace to their Meat, and had not the least Tincture of -Quality about them.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> But I think you are got into a better Gang now?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Zoons, Sir, my Lord <em>Rake</em> and I are Hand -and Glove: I believe we may get our Bones broke together -to-night; have you a mind to share a Frolick?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Not I, truly; my Talent lies to softer Exercises.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> What, a Down-Bed and a Strumpet? A -pox of Venery, I say. Will you come and drink with -me this Afternoon?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> I can't drink to-day, but we'll come and sit an -Hour with you, if you will.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Phugh, Pox, sit an Hour! Why can't you -drink?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Because I'm to see my Mistress.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Who's that?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Why, do you use to tell?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Yes.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> So won't I.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Why?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Because 'tis a Secret.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Would my Wife knew it, 'twould be no Secret -long.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Why, do you think she can't keep a Secret?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> No more than she can keep <em>Lent</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Pr'ythee, tell it her to try, <em>Constant</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> No, pr'ythee, don't, that I mayn't be -plagu'd with it.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> I'll hold you a Guinea you don't make her -tell it you.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> I'll hold you a Guinea I do.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Which way?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Why, I'll beg her not to tell it me.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Nay, if any thing does it, that will.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> But do you think, Sir——</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Oons, Sir, I think a Woman and a Secret -are the two impertinentest Themes in the Universe: -Therefore pray let's hear no more of my Wife, nor your -Mistress. Damn 'em both with all my heart, and every -thing else that daggles a Petticoat, except four generous -Whores, with <em>Betty Sands</em> at the Head of 'em, who are -drunk with my Lord <em>Rake</em> and I ten times in a Fortnight.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Sir John</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Here's a dainty Fellow for you! And the -veriest Coward too. But his Usage of his Wife makes -me ready to stab the Villain.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Lovers are short-sighted: All their Senses run -into that of Feeling. This Proceeding of his is the only -thing on Earth can make your Fortune. If any thing -can prevail with her to accept of a Gallant, 'tis his ill -Usage of her; for Women will do more for Revenge, -than they'll do for the Gospel. Pr'ythee, take heart, I -have great hopes for you: And since I can't bring you -quite off of her, I'll endeavour to bring you quite on; for -a whining Lover is the damn'dest Companion upon Earth.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> My dear Friend, flatter me a little more with -these Hopes; for whilst they prevail, I have Heaven -within me, and could melt with Joy.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Pray, no melting yet; let things go farther first. -This afternoon, perhaps, we shall make some advance. -In the mean while, let's go dine at <em>Locket</em>'s, and let Hope -get you a Stomach.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Lady</em> Fancyfull's <em>House</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Fancyfull</span> and <span class="antiqua">Madamoiselle</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Did you ever see any thing so <em>importune, -Madamoiselle</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Inteed, Matam, to say de trute, he want -leetel Good-breeding.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Good-breeding! He wants to be caned, -<em>Madamoiselle</em>: an insolent Fellow! And yet let me expose -my Weakness, 'tis the only Man on Earth I cou'd -resolve to dispense my Favours on, were he but a fine -Gentleman. Well! did Men but know how deep an -Impression a fine Gentleman makes in a Lady's Heart, -they would reduce all their Studies to that of Good-breeding -alone.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Cornet</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Cor.</em> Madam, here's Mr. <em>Treble</em>. He has brought -home the Verses your Ladyship made, and gave him to -set.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> O let him come in by all means. Now -<em>Madamoiselle</em>, am I going to be unspeakably happy.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Treble</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>So, Mr. <em>Treble</em>, you have set my little Dialogue?</p> - -<p><em>Treb.</em> Yes, Madam, and I hope your Ladyship will be -pleased with it.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> O, no doubt on't; for really, Mr. <em>Treble</em>, -you set all things to a wonder: But your Musick is in -particular heavenly, when you have my Words to -clothe in't.</p> - -<p><em>Treb.</em> Your Words themselves, Madam, have so much -Musick in 'em, they inspire me.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Nay, now you make me blush, Mr. <em>Treble</em>; -but pray let's hear what you have done.</p> - -<p><em>Treb.</em> You shall, Madam.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></p> - -<p>A SONG, to be sung between a Man and a Woman.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">M. <em>Ah lovely Nymph, the World's on fire;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i8"><em>Veil, veil those cruel Eyes</em>:<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">W. <em>The World may then in Flames expire,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i8"><em>And boast that so it dies</em>.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">M. <em>But when all Mortals are destroy'd,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i8"><em>Who then shall sing your Praise?</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">W. <em>Those who are fit to be employ'd:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i8"><em>The Gods shall Altars raise</em>.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Treb.</em> How does your Ladyship like it, Madam?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Rapture, Rapture, Mr. <em>Treble</em>! I'm all -Rapture! O Wit and Art, what Power have you when -join'd! I must needs tell you the Birth of this little Dialogue, -Mr. <em>Treble</em>. Its Father was a Dream, and its -Mother was the Moon. I dream'd that by an unanimous -Vote, I was chosen Queen of that pale World; and that -the first time I appear'd upon my Throne——all my -Subjects fell in love with me. Just then I wak'd, and -seeing Pen, Ink and Paper lie idle upon the Table, I -slid into my Morning-Gown, and writ this <em>impromptu</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Treb.</em> So I guess the Dialogue, Madam, is suppos'd -to be between your Majesty and your first Minister of -State.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Just: He, as Minister, advises me to -trouble my Head about the Welfare of my Subjects; -which I, as Sovereign, find a very impertinent Proposal. -But is the Town so dull, Mr. <em>Treble</em>, it affords us -never another new Song?</p> - -<p><em>Treb.</em> Madam, I have one in my Pocket, came out -but Yesterday, if your Ladyship pleases to let Mrs. <em>Pipe</em> -sing it.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> By all means. Here, <em>Pipe</em>, make what -Musick you can of this Song, here.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12">SONG.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i16">I.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Not an Angel dwells above,</em><br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Half so fair as her I love.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Heaven knows, how she'll receive me;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>If she smiles, I'm blest indeed;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>If she frowns, I'm quickly freed;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Heaven knows she ne'er can grieve me.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i16">II.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>None can love her more than I,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Yet she ne'er shall make me die.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>If my Flame can never warm her,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Lasting Beauty I'll adore;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>I shall never love her more,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Cruelty will so deform her.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Very well: This is <em>Heartfree</em>'s Poetry -without question.</p> - -<p><em>Treb.</em> Won't your Ladyship please to sing yourself -this Morning?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> O Lord, Mr. <em>Treble</em>, my Cold is still so -barbarous to refuse me that Pleasure! He, he, hem.</p> - -<p><em>Treb.</em> I'm very sorry for it, Madam: Methinks all -Mankind should turn Physicians for the Cure on't.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Why, truly, to give Mankind their due, -there's few that know me but have offer'd their Remedy.</p> - -<p><em>Treb.</em> They have reason, Madam; for I know no -body sings so near a Cherubim as your Ladyship.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> What I do, I owe chiefly to your Skill and -Care, Mr. <em>Treble</em>. People do flatter me, indeed, that I -have a Voice, and a <em>Je-ne-sçai-quoy</em> in the Conduct of it, -that will make Musick of any thing. And truly I begin -to believe so, since what happen'd t'other Night: -Wou'd you think it, Mr. <em>Treble</em>? Walking pretty late in -the Park, (for I often walk late in the Park, Mr <em>Treble</em>) -a Whim took me to sing <em>Chevy Chase</em>; and, wou'd you -believe it? next Morning I had three Copies of Verses, -and six Billet-doux at my Levée upon it.</p> - -<p><em>Treb.</em> And without all dispute you deserv'd as many -more, Madam. Are there any further Commands for -your Ladyship's humble Servant?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Nothing more at this Time, Mr. <em>Treble</em>. -But I shall expect you here every Morning for this -Month, to sing my little Matter there to me. I'll reward -you for your Pains.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Treb.</em> O Lord, Madam——</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Good-morrow, sweet Mr. <em>Treble</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Treb.</em> Your Ladyship's most obedient Servant.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Treb</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Will your Ladyship please to dine yet?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Yes, let 'em serve. [<em>Exit Servant.</em>] Sure -this <em>Heartfree</em> has bewitch'd me, <em>Madamoiselle</em>. You -can't imagine how oddly he mixt himself in my Thoughts -during my Rapture e'en now. I vow 'tis a thousand -Pities he is not more polish'd: Don't you think so?</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Matam, I tink it so great pity, dat if I was -in your Ladyship place, I take him home in my House, -I lock him up in my Closet, and I never let him go till -I teach him every ting dat fine Laty expect from fine -Gentelman.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Why, truly, I believe I shou'd soon subdue -his Brutality; for without doubt, he has a strange <em>Penchant</em> -to grow fond of me, in spite of his Aversion to the -Sex, else he wou'd ne'er have taken so much Pains about -me. Lord, how proud wou'd some poor Creatures be of -such a Conquest! But I, alas! I don't know how to receive -as a Favour what I take to be so infinitely my -Due. But what shall I do to new-mould him, <em>Madamoiselle</em>? -for till then he's my utter Aversion.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Matam; you must laugh at him in all de place -dat you meet him, and turn into de reticule all he say, -and all he do.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Why, truly, Satire has ever been of wondrous -use to reform Ill-manners. Besides, 'tis my particular -Talent to ridicule Folks. I can be severe, strangely severe, -when I will, <em>Madamoiselle</em>——Give me the Pen -and Ink——I find myself whimsical——I'll write to -him——Or I'll let it alone, and be severe upon him -that way [<em>Sitting down to write, rising up again.</em>]—Yet -Active Severity is better than Passive. [<em>Sitting down.</em>]——'Tis -as good let it alone, too; for every Lash I give -him, perhaps, he'll take for a Favour. [<em>Rising.</em>]——Yet -'tis a thousand pities so much Satire should be lost. [<em>Sitting.</em><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span>]—— -But if it shou'd have a wrong Effect upon him, -'twould distract me. [<em>Rising.</em>]——Well, I must write, -tho', after all, [<em>Sitting.</em>]——Or I'll let it alone, which is -the same thing. [<em>Rising.</em>]</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>La voilà determinée.</em></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-159.jpg" width="700" height="39" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_III3" id="ACT_III3"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> III.</a></h3> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> <em>opens; Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span>, Lady <span class="antiqua">Brute</span> -and <span class="antiqua">Belinda</span> rising from the Table.</em></h4> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">H</span>ere</span>, take away the Things; I expect -Company. But first bring me a Pipe; -I'll smoak.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>To a Servant.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Lord, Sir <em>John</em>, I wonder you won't -leave that nasty Custom.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Pr'ythee, don't be impertinent.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> [<em>To Lady <span class="antiqua">Brute</span>.</em>] I wonder who those People are -he expects this Afternoon?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> I'd give the World to know: Perhaps -'tis <em>Constant</em>—he comes here sometimes: if it does prove -him, I'm resolv'd I'll share the Visit.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> We'll send for our Work, and sit here.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> He'll choak us with his Tobacco.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Nothing will choak us when we are doing what -we have a mind to. <em>Lovewell!</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lovewell</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Here; bring my Cousin's Work and mine -hither.</p> - -<p class="directcenter">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Lov</span>. and re-enters with their Work.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Whu! Pox, can't you work somewhere else?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> We shall be careful not to disturb you, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Your Pipe would make you too thoughtful, -Uncle, if you were left alone; our Prittle-prattle will -cure your Spleen.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Will it so, Mrs. Pert? Now I believe it will -so increase it, [<em>Sitting and smoaking.</em>] I shall take my own -House for a Paper-mill.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Bel</span>. aside.</em>] Don't let's mind him; let -him say what he will.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> A Woman's Tongue a Cure for the -Spleen!—Oons—[<em>Aside.</em>] If a Man had got the Head-ach, -they'd be for applying the same Remedy.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> You have done a great deal, <em>Belinda</em>, -since yesterday.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Yes, I have work'd very hard; how do you -like it?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> O, 'tis the prettiest Fringe in the World. -Well, Cousin, you have the happiest Fancy: Pr'ythee, -advise me about altering my Crimson Petticoat.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> A Pox o' your Petticoat! Here's such a Prating, -a Man can't digest his own Thoughts for you.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Don't answer him. [<em>Aside.</em>] Well, what -do you advise me?</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Why, really, I would not alter it at all. Methinks -'tis very pretty as it is.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Ay, that's, true: But you know one -grows weary of the prettiest things in the World, when -one has had 'em long.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Yes, I have taught her that.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Shall we provoke him a little?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> With all my Heart. <em>Belinda</em>, don't you -long to be marry'd?</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Why, there are some things in it I could like -well enough.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> What do you think you shou'd dislike?</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> My Husband, a hundred to one else.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> O ye wicked Wretch! Sure you don't -speak as you think?</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Yes, I do: especially if he smoak'd Tobacco.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>He looks earnestly at 'em.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Why, that many times takes off worse -Smells.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Then he must smell very ill indeed.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> So some Men will, to keep their Wives -from coming near 'em.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Then those Wives shou'd cuckold 'em at a distance.</p> - -<div class="directcenter"><em>He rises in a Fury, throws his Pipe at 'em, and drives -'em out. As they run off, <span class="antiqua">Constant</span> and <span class="antiqua">Heartfree</span> enter. -Lady <span class="antiqua">Brute</span> runs against <span class="antiqua">Constant</span>.</em></div> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em>. 'Oons, get you gone up Stairs, you confederating -Strumpets you, o I'll cuckold you, with a Vengeance!</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> O Lord, he'll beat us, he'll beat us. -Dear, dear Mr. <em>Constant</em>, save us!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> I'll cuckold you, with a Pox.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Heav'n! Sir <em>John</em>, what's the matter?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sure, if Women had been ready created, -the Devil, instead of being kick'd down into Hell, had -been marry'd.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Why, what new Plague have you found now?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Why, these two Gentlewomen did but hear -me say, I expected you here this Afternoon; upon -which they presently resolv'd to take up the Room, o' -purpose to plague me and my Friends.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Was that all? Why, we shou'd have been glad -of their Company.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Then I should have been weary of yours; -for I can't relish both together. They found fault with -my smoaking Tobacco, too; and said Men stunk. But I -have a good mind—to say something.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> No, nothing against the Ladies, pray.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Split the Ladies! Come, will you sit -down? Give us some Wine, Fellow: You won't smoak?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em>. No; nor drink, neither, at this time—I must ask -your Pardon.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> What, this Mistress of yours runs in your -Head! I'll warrant it's some such squeamish Minx as my -Wife, that's grown so dainty of late, she finds fault even -with a dirty Shirt.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> That a Woman may do, and not be very -dainty, neither.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Pox o' the Women! let's drink. Come, you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span> -shall take one Glass, tho' I send for a Box of Lozenges -to sweeten your Mouth after it.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Nay, if one Glass will satisfy you, I'll drink -it, without putting you to that Expence.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Why, that's honest. Fill some Wine, Sirrah: -So here's to you, Gentlemen—A Wife's the Devil. -To your being both married.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>They drink.</em></p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> O, your most humble Servant, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Well, how do you like my Wine?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> 'Tis very good, indeed.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> 'Tis admirable.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Then give us t'other Glass.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> No, pray excuse us now: We'll come another -time, and then we won't spare it.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> This one Glass, and no more: Come, it -shall be your Mistress's Health: And that's a great -Compliment from me, I assure you.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> And 'tis a very obliging one to me: So give us -the Glasses.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> So: let her live—</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span> coughs in the Glass.</em></p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> And be kind.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> What's the matter? Does it go the wrong -way?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> If I had Love enough to be jealous, I shou'd -take this for an ill Omen: For I never drank my Wife's -Health in my Life, but I puk'd in the Glass.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> O, she's too virtuous to make a reasonable -Man jealous.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Pox of her Virtue! If I cou'd but catch her -Adulterating, I might be divorc'd from her by Law.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> And so pay her a yearly Pension, to be a distinguish'd -Cuckold.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Sir, there's my Lord <em>Rake</em>, Colonel <em>Bully</em>, and some -other Gentlemen at the <em>Blue-Posts</em>, desire your Company.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Cod's so, we are to consult about playing -the Devil to-night.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Well, we won't hinder Business.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Methinks I don't know how to leave you, -tho': But for once I must make bold. Or look you; -may be the Conference mayn't last long: So, if you'll -wait here half an hour, or an hour; if I don't come -then—why, then—I won't come at all.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Const</span>.</em>] A good modest Proposition, truly!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> But let's accept on't, however. Who knows -what may happen?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Well, Sir, to shew you how fond we are of -your Company, we'll expect your Return as long as we -can.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Nay, may be I mayn't stay at all. But Business, -you know, must be done. So your Servant—Or -hark you, if you have a mind to take a Frisk with us, -I have an Interest with my Lord; I can easily introduce -you.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> We are much beholden to you; but for my -part, I'm engag'd another way.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> What! to your Mistress, I'll warrant. -Pr'ythee, leave your nasty Punk to entertain herself with -her own lewd Thoughts, and make one with us to-night.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Sir, 'tis Business that is to employ me.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> And me; and Business must be done, you -know.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Ay, Women's Business, tho' the World -were consum'd for't.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Farewel, Beast! And now, my dear Friend, -would my Mistress be but as complaisant as some Men's -Wives, who think it a piece of good Breeding to receive -the Visits of their Husband's Friends in his Absence!</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Why, for your sake I could forgive her, tho' -she should be so complaisant to receive something else in -his Absence. But what way shall we invent to see her?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> O, ne'er hope it: Invention will prove as vain -as Wishes.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Brute</span> and <span class="antiqua">Belinda</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> What do you think now, Friend?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> I think I shall swoon.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> I'll speak first, then, whilst you fetch breath.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> We think ourselves oblig'd, Gentlemen, -to come and return you thanks for your Knight-Errantry. -We were just upon being devour'd by the fiery Dragon.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Did not his Fumes almost knock you down, Gentlemen?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Truly, Ladies, we did undergo some Hardships; -and should have done more, if some greater Heroes -than ourselves, hard by, had not diverted him.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Tho' I'm glad of the Service you are pleas'd -to say we have done you, yet I'm sorry we could do it -in no other way, than by making ourselves privy to -what you would perhaps have kept a Secret.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> For Sir <em>John</em>'s part, I suppose he design'd -it no Secret, since he made so much Noise. And for -myself, truly I'm not much concern'd, since 'tis fallen -only into this Gentleman's Hands and yours; who, I -have many Reasons to believe, will neither interpret -nor report any thing to my disadvantage.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Your good Opinion, Madam, was what I -fear'd I never could have merited.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Your Fears were vain, then, Sir; for -I'm just to every body.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Pr'ythee, <em>Constant</em>, what is't you do to get -the Ladies good Opinions? for I'm a Novice at it.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Sir, will you give me leave to instruct you?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Yes, that I will, with all my Soul, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Why, then, you must never be slovenly, never be -out of humour, fare well and cry Roast-meat, smoak -Tobacco, nor drink but when you are dry.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> That's hard.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Nay, if you take his Bottle from him, you -break his Heart, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Why, is it possible the Gentleman can love -Drinking?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Only by way of Antidote.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Against what, pray?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Against Love, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Are you afraid of being in Love, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> I should, if there were any Danger of it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Pray why so?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Because I always had an Aversion to being -us'd like a Dog.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Why, truly, Men in Love are seldom us'd better.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> But was you never in Love, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> No, I thank Heav'n, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Pray, where got you your Learning, then?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> From other People's Expence.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> That's being a Spunger, Sir, which is scarce -honest: If you'd buy some Experience with your own -Money, as 'twould be fairlier got, so 'twould stick -longer by you.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Footman.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Foot.</em> Madam, here's my Lady <em>Fancyfull</em>, to wait upon -your Ladyship.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Shield me, kind Heaven! What an Inundation -of Impertinence is here coming upon us!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Fancyfull</span>, who runs first to Lady <span class="antiqua">Brute</span>, -then to <span class="antiqua">Belinda</span>, kissing 'em.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> My dear Lady <em>Brute</em>, and sweet <em>Belinda</em>, -methinks 'tis an Age since I saw you.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Yet 'tis but three Days; sure you have -pass'd your time very ill, it seems so long to you.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Why, really, to confess the truth to you, -I am so everlastingly fatigu'd with the Addresses of unfortunate -Gentlemen, that, were it not for the Extravagancy -of the Example, I shou'd e'en tear out these -wicked Eyes with my own Fingers, to make both myself -and Mankind easy. What think you on't, Mr. <em>Heartfree</em>, -for I take you to be my faithful Adviser?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Why, truly, Madam—I think—every Project -that is for the good of Mankind ought to be encourag'd.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Then I have your Consent, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> To do whatever you please, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> You had a much more limited Complaisance -this Morning, Sir. Would you believe it, Ladies? -The Gentleman has been so exceeding generous, to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span> -tell me of above fifty Faults, in less time than it was -well possible for me to commit two of 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Why, truly, Madam, my Friend there is apt to -be something familiar with the Ladies.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> He is, indeed, Sir; but he's wondrous -charitable with it: He has had the Goodness to design a -Reformation, even down to my Fingers-ends.——'Twas -thus, I think, Sir, [<em>Opening her fingers in an aukward -manner.</em>] you'd have had 'em stand—My Eyes, too, -he did not like: How was't you wou'd have directed -'em? Thus, I think. [<em>Staring at him.</em>]—Then there was -something amiss in my Gait, too: I don't know well how -'twas; but as I take it, he would have had me walk like -him. Pray, Sir, do me the Favour to take a turn or -two about the Room, that the Company may see you.—He's -sullen, Ladies, and won't. But, to make short, -and give you as true an Idea as I can of the matter, I -think 'twas much about this Figure, in general, he would -have moulded me to: But I was an obstinate Woman, -and could not resolve to make myself Mistress of his -Heart, by growing as aukward as his Fancy.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>She walks aukwardly about, staring and looking ungainly, -then changes on a sudden to the Extremity of her -usual Affectation.</em></p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em>. Just thus Women do, when they think we are -in love with em, or when they are so with us.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Here <span class="antiqua">Constant</span> and Lady <span class="antiqua">Brute</span> talk together apart.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> 'Twould, however, be less Vanity for me to -conclude the former, than you the latter, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em>. Madam, all I shall presume to conclude, is, -That if I wer in love, you'd find the means to make me -soon weary on't.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Not by Over-fondness, upon my Word, -Sir. But pray let's stop here; for you are so much govern'd -by Instinct, I know you'll grow brutish at last.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Now am I sure she's fond of him: I'll -try to make her jealous. Well, for my part, I should be -glad to find somebody would be so free with me, that I -might know my Faults, and mend 'em.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Then pray let me recommend this Gentleman -to you: I have known him some time, and will be -Surety for him, that upon a very limited Encouragement -on your side, you shall find an extended Impudence on his.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> I thank you, Madam, for your Recommendation: -But hating Idleness, I'm unwilling to enter into -a Place where I believe there would be nothing to do. I -was fond of serving your Ladyship, because I knew -you'd find me constant Employment.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> I told you he'd be rude, <em>Belinda</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> O, a little Bluntness is a sign of Honesty, which -makes me always ready to pardon it. So, Sir, if you -have no other Exceptions to my Service, but the fear of -being idle in it, you may venture to lift yourself: I shall -find you Work, I warrant you.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Upon those Terms I engage, Madam; and -this (with your leave) I take for Earnest.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Offering to kiss her Hand.</em></p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Hold there, Sir; I'm none of your Earnest-givers. -But if I'm well serv'd, I give good Wages, and pay -punctually.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Heartf</span>. and <span class="antiqua">Bel</span>. seem to continue talking familiarly.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] I don't like this jesting between -'em—Methinks the Fool begins to look as if he were in -earnest.——But then he must be a Fool, indeed.——Lard, -what a Difference there is between me and her! -[<em>Looking at <span class="antiqua">Bel</span>. scornfully.</em>] How I shou'd despise such a -Thing, if I were a Man!—--What a Nose she has!—What -a Chin——What a Neck!—--Then her Eyes——And -the worst kissing Lips in the Universe——No, no, -he can never like her, that's positive——Yet I can't -suffer 'em together any longer. Mr. <em>Heartfree</em>, do you -know that you and I must have no Quarrel for all this? -I can't forbear being a little severe now and then: But -Women, you know, may be allowed any thing.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Up to a certain Age, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Which I'm not yet past, I hope.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Nor never will, I dare swear.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> [<em>To Lady <span class="antiqua">Brute</span>.</em>] Come, Madam, will your -Ladyship be Witness to our Reconciliation?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> You agree, then, at last?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> [<em>Slightingly.</em>] We forgive.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] That was a cold, ill-natur'd Reply.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Then there's no Challenges sent between -you?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Not from me, I promise. [<em>Aside to <span class="antiqua">Constant</span>.</em>] -But that's more than I'll do for her; for I know she can -as well be damn'd as forbear writing to me.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> That I believe. But I think we had best be going, -lest she should suspect something, and be malicious.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> With all my heart.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Ladies, we are your humble Servants. I see Sir -<em>John</em> is quite engag'd, 'twould be in vain to expect him. -Come, <em>Heartfree</em>.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Ladies, your Servant. [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Belinda</span>.</em>] I hope, -Madam, you won't forget our Bargain; I'm to say what -I please to you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Heartfree</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Liberty of Speech entire, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Very pretty truly—But how the -Blockhead went out—languishing at her, and not a -Look toward me!—Well, Churchmen may talk, but -Miracles are not ceas'd. For 'tis more than natural, -such a rude Fellow as he, and such a little Impertinent -as she, should be capable of making a Woman of my -Sphere uneasy. But I can bear her sight no longer——methinks -she's grown ten times uglier than <em>Cornet</em>. I -must home, and study Revenge. [<em>To Lady <span class="antiqua">Brute</span>.</em>] Madam, -your humble Servant; I must take my leave.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> What, going already, Madam?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> I must beg you'll excuse me this once; for -really I have eighteen Visits to return this Afternoon: -So you see I'm importun'd by the Women as well as the -Men.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] And she's quits with them both.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> [<em>Going.</em>] Nay, you shan't go one Step out -of the Room.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Indeed I'll wait upon you down.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> No, sweet Lady <em>Brute</em>, you know I swoon -at Ceremony.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Pray give me leave.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> You know I won't.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Indeed I must.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Indeed you shan't.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Indeed I will.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em>. Indeed you shan't.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Indeed I will.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Indeed you shan't. Indeed, indeed, indeed -you shan't.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Lady <span class="antiqua">Fan</span>. running; they follow.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Re-enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Brute</span> sola.</em> -</p> - -<p>This impertinent Woman has put me out of Humour -for a Fortnight——What an agreeable Moment has -her foolish Visit interrupted! Lord, how like a Torrent -Love flows into the Heart, when once the Sluice of Desire -is open'd! Good Gods! What a Pleasure there is -in doing what we should not do!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Re-enter <span class="antiqua">Constant</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Ha! here again?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Tho' the renewing my Visit may seem a little -irregular, I hope I shall obtain your Pardon for it, Madam, -when you know I only left the Room, lest the Lady -who was here should have been as malicious in her -Remarks as she's foolish in her Conduct.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> He who has Discretion enough to be -tender of a Woman's Reputation, carries a Virtue about -him may atone for a great many Faults.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> If it has a Title to atone for any, its Pretensions -must needs be strongest where the Crime is Love. I -therefore hope I shall be forgiven the Attempt I have -made upon your Heart, since my Enterprize has been a -Secret to all the World but yourself.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Secrecy, indeed, in Sins of this kind, is -an Argument of weight to lessen the Punishment; but -nothing's a Plea for a Pardon entire, without a sincere -Repentance.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> If Sincerity in Repentance consists in Sorrow -for offending, no Cloyster ever inclos'd so true a Penitent -as I should be. But I hope it cannot be reckon'd an -Offence to love where 'tis a Duty to adore.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> 'Tis an Offence, a great one, where it -would rob a Woman of all she ought to be ador'd for—her -Virtue.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Virtue?—Virtue, alas! is no more like the -thing that's call'd so, than 'tis like Vice itself. Virtue -consists in Goodness, Honour, Gratitude, Sincerity, and -Pity; and not in peevish, snarling, strait-lac'd Chastity. -True Virtue, wheresoever it moves, still carries an intrinsick -Worth about it, and is in every Place, and in -each Sex, of equal Value. So is not Continence, you -see: That Phantom of Honour, which Men in every -Age have so contemned, they have thrown it amongst -the Women to scrabble for.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> If it be a thing of so little Value, -why do you so earnestly recommend it to your Wives -and Daughters?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> We recommend it to our Wives, Madam, because -we wou'd keep 'em to ourselves; and to our -Daughters, because we wou'd dispose of 'em to others.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> 'Tis then, of some Importance, it seems, -since you can't dispose of them without it.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> That Importance, Madam, lies in the Humour -of the Country, not in the Nature of the Thing.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> How do you prove that, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> From the Wisdom of a neighbouring Nation -in a contrary Practice. In Monarchies, things go by -Whimsy; but Commonwealths weigh all things in the -Scale of Reason.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> I hope we are not so very light a People, -to bring up Fashions without some ground.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Pray what does your Ladyship think of a powder'd -Coat for deep Mourning?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> I think, Sir, your Sophistry has all the -effect that you can reasonably expect it should have; it -puzzles, but don't convince.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> I'm sorry for it.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> I'm sorry to hear you say so.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Pray why?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Because, if you expected more from it, -you have a worse Opinion of my Understanding than I -desire you should have.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] I comprehend her: She would have me -set a Value upon her Chastity, that I might think my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span>self -the more oblig'd to her when she makes me a Present -of it. [<em>To her.</em>] I beg you will believe I did but rally, -Madam; I know you judge too well of Right and -Wrong, to be deceiv'd by Arguments like those. I -hope you'll have so favourable an Opinion of my Understanding -too, to believe the thing call'd Virtue has -Worth enough with me, to pass for an eternal Obligation -where'er 'tis sacrific'd.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> It is, I think, so great a one as nothing -can repay.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Yes; the making the Man you love your everlasting -Debtor.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> When Debtors once have borrow'd all we -have to lend, they are very apt to grow shy of their Creditors' -Company.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> That, Madam, is only when they are forc'd to -borrow of Usurers, and not of a generous Friend. Let -us choose our Creditors, and we are seldom so ungrateful -to shun 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> What think you of Sir <em>John</em>, Sir? I was -his free Choice.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> I think he's married, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Does Marriage, then, exclude Men from -your Rule of Constancy?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> It does. Constancy's a brave, free, haughty, -generous Agent, that cannot buckle to the Chains of -Wedlock. There's a poor sordid Slavery in Marriage, -that turns the flowing Tide of Honour, and sinks us to -the lowest Ebb of Infamy. 'Tis a corrupted Soil: Ill-Nature, -Avarice, Sloth, Cowardice, and Dirt, are all its -Product.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Have you no Exceptions to this general -Rule, as well as to t'other?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Yes; I would, after all, be an Exception to it -myself, if you were free in Power and Will to make me -so.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Compliments are well plac'd where 'tis -impossible to lay hold on 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> I wou'd to Heaven 'twere possible for you to -lay hold on mine, that you might see it is no Compli<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span>ment -at all. But since you are already dispos'd of, beyond -Redemption, to one who does not know the Value -of the Jewel you have put into his Hands, I hope you -wou'd not think him greatly wrong'd, tho' it should -sometimes be look'd on by a Friend, who knows how -to esteem it as he ought.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> If looking on't alone wou'd serve his turn, -the Wrong, perhaps, might not be very great.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Why, what if he shou'd wear it now and then -a Day, so he gave good Security to bring it home again -at Night?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Small Security, I fancy, might serve for -that. One might venture to take his Word.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Then, where's the Injury to the Owner?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> 'Tis an Injury to him, if he think it one. -For if Happiness be seated in the Mind, Unhappiness -must be so too.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Here I close with you, Madam, and draw my -conclusive Argument from your own Position: If the -Injury lie in the Fancy, there needs nothing but Secrecy -to prevent the Wrong.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> [<em>Going.</em>] A surer way to prevent it, is to -hear no more Arguments in its behalf.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> [<em>Following her.</em>] But, Madam——</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> But, Sir, 'tis my turn to be discreet now, -and not suffer too long a Visit.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> [<em>Catching her Hand.</em>] By Heaven, you shall not -stir, till you give me hopes that I shall see you again at -some more convenient Time and Place!</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> I give you just hopes enough——[<em>Breaking -from him.</em>] to get loose from you: and that's all I -can afford you at this time.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit running.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Constant</span> solus.</em> -</p> - -<p>Now, by all that's great and good, she is a charming -Woman! In what Extasy of Joy she has left me! For -she gave me Hope, did she not say she gave me Hope?—Hope! -Ay: what Hope? Enough to make me let her -go—Why, that's enough in Conscience. Or, no matter -how 'twas spoke: Hope was the Word: it came from -her, and it was said to me.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Heartfree</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Ha, <em>Heartfree</em>! Thou hast done me noble Service in -prattling to the young Gentlewoman without there; -come to my Arms, thou venerable Bawd, and let me -squeeze thee [<em>Embracing him eagerly.</em>] as a new Pair of -Stays does a fat Country Girl, when she's carried to -Court to stand for a Maid of Honour.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Why, what the Devil's all this Rapture for?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Rapture! There's ground for Rapture, Man; -there's Hopes, my <em>Heartfree</em>, Hopes, my Friend!</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Hopes! of what?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Why, Hopes that my Lady and I together -(for 'tis more than one Body's Work) should make Sir -<em>John</em> a Cuckold.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Pr'ythee, what did she say to thee?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Say? What did she not say? She said that——says -she—she said—Zoons, I don't know what she said; -but she look'd as if she said every thing I'd have her. -And so, if thou'lt go to the Tavern, I'll treat thee with -any thing that Gold can buy; I'll give all my Silver -amongst the Drawers, make a Bonfire before the Door; -say the Plenipo's have sign'd the Peace, and the Bank of -<em>England</em>'s grown honest.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> <em>opens; Lord <span class="antiqua">Rake</span>, Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span>, &c. -at a Table, drinking.</em></h4> - -<p><em>All.</em> Huzza!</p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> Come, Boys, charge again——So—Confusion -to all Order! Here's Liberty of Conscience.</p> - -<p><em>All.</em> Huzza!</p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> I'll sing you a Song I made this Morning -to this purpose.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> 'Tis wicked, I hope.</p> - -<p><em>Col. Bully.</em> Don't my Lord tell you he made it?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Well, then, let's ha't.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p> - -<p>Lord <em>Rake</em> Sings.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i20">I.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i2"><em>What a Pother of late</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Have they kept in the State,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>About setting our Consciences free!</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>A Bottle has more</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Dispensations in store,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Than the King and the State can decree.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i20">II.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i2"><em>When my Head's full of Wine,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>I o'erflow with Design,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And know no <span class="antiqua">Penal-Laws</span> that can curb me:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Whate'er I devise</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Seems good in my Eyes,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And Religion ne'er dares to disturb me.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i20">III.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i2"><em>No saucy Remorse</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Intrudes in my Course,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Nor impertinent Notions of Evil;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>So there's Claret in store,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>In Peace I've my Whore,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And in Peace I jog on to the Devil.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i4">All sing. <em>So there's Claret</em>, &c.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> [Rep.] <em>And in Peace I jog on to the Devil.</em> -Well, how do you like it, Gentlemen?</p> - -<p><em>All.</em> O, admirable!</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> I would not give a Fig for a Song that is -not full of Sin and Impudence.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> Then my Muse is to your Taste. But -drink away; the Night steals upon us; we shall want -Time to be lewd in. Hey, Page! Sally out, Sirrah, and -see what's doing in the Camp; we'll beat up their -Quarters presently.</p> - -<p><em>Page.</em> I'll bring your Lordship an exact Account.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Page.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em>. Now let the Spirit of Clary go round. -Fill me a Brimmer Here's to our Forlorn Hope. Courage, -Knight, Victory attends you.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> And Laurels shall crown me; drink away, -and be damn'd.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> Again, Boys; t'other Glass, and damn -Morality.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> [<em>Drunk.</em>] Ay—damn Morality—and damn -the Watch. And let the Constable be married.</p> - -<p><em>All.</em> Huzza!</p> - -<p><em>Re-enter Page.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> How are the Streets inhabited, Sirrah?</p> - -<p><em>Page.</em> My Lord, 'tis Sunday-night; they are full of -drunken Citizens.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> Along, then, Boys, we shall have a Feast.</p> - -<p><em>Col. Bully.</em> Along, noble Knight.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Ay——along, <em>Bully</em>; and he that says Sir -<em>John Brute</em> is not as drunk and as religious as the -drunkenest Citizen of them all—is a Liar, and the Son -of a Whore.</p> - -<p><em>Col. Bully.</em> Why, that was bravely spoke, and like a -free-born <em>Englishman</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> What's that to you, Sir, whether I am an -<em>Englishman</em> or a <em>Frenchman</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Col. Bully.</em> Zoons, you are not angry, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Zoons, I am angry, Sir——for if I'm a -free-born <em>Englishman</em>, what have you to do even to -talk of my Privileges?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> Why, pr'ythee, Knight, don't quarrel here; -leave private Animosities to be decided by Day-light; let -the Night be employ'd against the publick Enemy.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> My Lord, I respect you because you are a -Man of Quality. But I'll make that Fellow know, I -am within a Hair's breadth as absolute by my Privileges, -as the King of <em>France</em> is by his Prerogative. He by his -Prerogative takes Money where it is not his due; I by -my Privilege refuse paying it where I owe it. Liberty -and Property, and <em>Old England</em>, Huzza!</p> - -<p><em>All.</em> Huzza!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span> reeling, all following him.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>A Bed-Chamber.</em></h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lady Brute</span> and <span class="antiqua">Belinda</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Sure 'tis late, <em>Belinda</em>; I begin to be -sleepy.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Yes, 'tis near Twelve. Will you go to Bed?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> To Bed, my Dear? And by that time -I am fallen into a sweet Sleep (or perhaps a sweet Dream, -which is better and better) Sir <em>John</em> will come home -roaring drunk, and be overjoy'd he finds me in a Condition -to be disturb'd.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> O, you need not fear him; he's in for all -Night. The Servants say he's gone to drink with my -Lord <em>Rake</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Nay, 'tis not very likely, indeed, such -suitable Company should part presently. What Hogs -Men turn, <em>Belinda</em>, when they grow weary of Women!</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> And what Owls they are, whilst they are fond -of 'em!</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> But That we may forgive well enough, -because they are so upon our accounts.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> We ought to do so, indeed; but 'tis a hard matter. -For when a Man is really in love, he looks so unsufferably -silly, that tho' a Woman lik'd him well -enough before, she has then much ado to endure the -Sight of him: And this I take to be the Reason why -Lovers are so generally ill-us'd.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Well, I own, now, I'm well enough -pleased to see a Man look like an Ass for me.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Ay, I'm pleas'd he should look like an Ass, -too;—that is, I'm pleased with myself for making him -look so.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Nay, truly, I think if he'd find some other -way to express his Passion, 'twould be more to his advantage.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Yes; for then a Woman might like his Passion -and him too.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Yet, <em>Belinda</em>, after all, a Woman's Life<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span> -would be but a dull Business, if it were not for Men; -and Men that can look like Asses, too. We shou'd never -blame Fate for the shortness of our Days; our Time -would hang wretchedly upon our Hands.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Why, truly, they do help us off with a good share -on't: For were there no Men in the World, o'my Conscience, -I shou'd be no longer a-dressing than I'm a-saying -my Prayers; nay, tho' it were Sunday: For you -know that one may go to Church without Stays on.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> But don't you think Emulation might do -something? For every Woman you see desires to be -finer than her Neighbour.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> That's only that the Men may like her better -than her Neighbour. No, if there were no Men, adieu -fine Petticoats, we should be weary of wearing 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> And adieu Plays, we should be weary of -seeing 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Adieu <em>Hyde Park</em>, the Dust would choak us.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Adieu <em>St. James</em>'s, walking would tire us.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Adieu <em>London</em>, the Smoke would stifle us.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> And adieu going to Church, for Religion -wou'd ne'er prevail with us.</p> - -<p><em>Both.</em> Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Our Confession is so very hearty, sure we merit -Absolution.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Not unless we go thro' with't, and confess -all. So, pr'ythee, for the Ease of our Consciences, -let's hide nothing.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Agreed.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Why, then, I confess, that I love to sit in -the Fore-front of a Box; for if one sits behind, there's -two Acts gone, perhaps, before one's found out. And -when I am there, if I perceive the Men whispering and -looking upon me, you must know I cannot for my -Life forbear thinking they talk to my Advantage; and -that sets a thousand little tickling Vanities on foot——</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Just my Case, for all the World; but go on.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> I watch with Impatience for the next Jest -in the Play, that I might laugh, and shew my white -Teeth. If the Poet has been dull, and the Jest be long<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span> -a-coming, I pretend to whisper one to my Friend, and -from thence fall into a little small Discourse, in which -I take occasion to shew my Face in all Humours, brisk, -pleas'd, serious, melancholy, languishing——Not that -what we say to one another causes any of these alterations. -But——</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Don't trouble yourself to explain. For if I'm -not mistaken, you and I have had some of these necessary -Dialogues before now with the same Intention.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Why, I swear, <em>Belinda</em>, some People do -give strange agreeable Airs to their Faces in speaking. -Tell me true—Did you never practise in the Glass?</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Why, did you?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Yes, 'faith, many a time.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> And I too, I own it; both how to speak myself, -and how to look when others speak. But my Glass -and I could never yet agree what Face I should make -when they come blunt out with a nasty thing in a Play: -For all the Men presently look upon the Women, that's -certain: so laugh we must not, tho' our Stays burst -for't, because that's telling Truth, and owning we understand -the Jest. And to look serious is so dull, when -the whole House is a laughing—</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Besides, that looking serious does really -betray our Knowledge in the matter, as much as laughing -with the Company would do: For if we did not -understand the thing, we shou'd naturally do like other -People.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> For my part, I always take that occasion to blow -my Nose.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> You must blow your Nose half off, then, at -some Plays.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Why don't some Reformer or other be at the -Poet for't?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Because he is not so sure of our private -Approbation, as of our publick Thanks. Well, sure -there is not upon Earth so impertinent a thing as -Women's Modesty.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Yes: Men's Fantasque, that obliges us to it. If -we quit our Modesty, they say we lose our Charms:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> -and yet they know that very Modesty is Affectation, and -rail at our Hypocrisy.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Thus, one would think 'twere a hard matter -to please 'em, Niece; yet our kind Mother Nature -has given us something that makes amends for all. Let -our Weakness be what it will, Mankind will still be -weaker; and whilst there is a World, 'tis Woman that -will govern it. But, pr'ythee, one Word of poor <em>Constant</em> -before we go to bed, if it be but to furnish matter -for Dreams: I dare swear he's talking of me now, or -thinking of me at least, tho' it be in the middle of his -Prayers.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> So he ought, I think; for you were pleas'd to -make him a good round Advance to-day, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Why, I have e'en plagu'd him enough to -satisfy any reasonable Woman: He has besieg'd me -these two Years, to no purpose.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> And if he besieg'd you two Years more, he'd be -well enough pay'd, so he had the plundering of you at -last.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> That may be; but I'm afraid the Town -won't be able to hold out much longer: for to confess -the Truth to you, <em>Belinda</em>, the Garrison begins to grow -mutinous.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Then the sooner you capitulate, the better.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Yet, methinks, I wou'd fain stay a little -longer to see you fix'd too, that we might start together, -and see who cou'd love longest. What think you, if -<em>Heartfree</em> shou'd have a Month's Mind to you?</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Why, 'faith, I cou'd almost be in love with him -for despising that foolish, affected Lady <em>Fancyfull</em>; but -I'm afraid he's too cold ever to warm himself by my Fire.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Then he deserves to be froze to death. -Wou'd I were a Man for your sake, dear Rogue! -[<em>Kissing her.</em>]</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> You'd wish yourself a Woman again for your own, -or the Men are mistaken. But if I cou'd make a Conquest -of this Son of <em>Bacchus</em>, and rival his Bottle, -what shou'd I do with him? He has no Fortune, I -can't marry him: and sure you wou'd not have me commit -Fornication?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Why, if you did, Child, 'twould be but -a good friendly part; if 'twere only to keep me in countenance -whilst I commit—you know what.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Well, if I can't resolve to serve you that way, I -may perhaps some other, as much to your Satisfaction. -But pray how shall we contrive to see these Blades -again quickly?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> We must e'en have recourse to the old -way; make 'em an Appointment 'twixt Jest and Earnest; -'twill look like a Frolick, and that you know 's a -very good thing to save a Woman's Blushes.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> You advise well; but where shall it be?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> In <em>Spring Garden</em>. But they shan't know -their Women, till their Women pull off their Masks; -for a Surprize is the most agreeable thing in the World: -And I find myself in a very good Humour, ready to do -'em any good turn I can think on.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Then pray write 'em the necessary Billet, without -farther delay.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Let's go into your Chamber, then, and -whilst you say your Prayers I'll do it, Child.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-180.jpg" width="700" height="40" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_IV3" id="ACT_IV3"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> IV.</a></h3> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Covent Garden</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lord <span class="antiqua">Rake</span>, Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span>, &c. with Swords drawn.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">I</span>s</span> the Dog dead?</p> - -<p><em>Col. Bully.</em> No, damn him, I heard him -wheeze.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> How the Witch his Wife howl'd!</p> - -<p><em>Col. Bully.</em> Ay, she'll alarm the Watch presently.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> Appear, Knight, then; come, you have -a good Cause to fight for—there's a Man murder'd.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Is there? Then let his Ghost be satisfy'd;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span> -for I'll sacrifice a Constable to it presently, and burn his -Body upon his wooden Chair.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter a Taylor, with a Bundle under his Arm.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Col. Bully.</em> How now? What have we got here? A -Thief.</p> - -<p><em>Taylor.</em> No, an't please you, I'm no Thief.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> That we'll see presently: Here, let the -General examine him.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Ay, ay, let me examine him, and I'll lay -a hundred Pound I find him guilty, in spite of his Teeth—for -he looks—like a—sneaking Rascal. Come, Sirrah, -without Equivocation or mental Reservation, tell -me of what Opinion you are, and what Calling; for -by them——I shall guess at your Morals.</p> - -<p><em>Taylor.</em> An't please you, I'm a Dissenting Journeyman -Taylor.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Then, Sirrah, you love Lying by your -Religion, and Theft by your Trade: And so, that -your Punishment may be suitable to your Crimes—I'll -have you first gagg'd—and then hang'd.</p> - -<p><em>Tayl.</em> Pray, good worthy Gentlemen, don't abuse me: -indeed I'm an honest Man, and a good Workman, tho' -I say it, that should not say it.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> No Words, Sirrah, but attend your Fate.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> Let me see what's in that Bundle.</p> - -<p><em>Tayl.</em> An't please you, it is the Doctor of the Parish's -Gown.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> The Doctor's Gown!—--Hark you, -Knight, you won't stick at abusing the Clergy, will you?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> No, I'm drunk, and I'll abuse any thing—but -my Wife; and her I name—with Reverence.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> Then you shall wear this Gown, whilst -you charge the Watch; that tho' the Blows fall upon -you, the Scandal may light upon the Church.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> A generous Design——by all the Gods——give -it me.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Takes the Gown, and puts it on.</em></p> - -<p><em>Tayl.</em> O dear Gentlemen, I shall be quite undone, if -you take the Gown.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Retire, Sirrah; and since you carry off your -Skin—go home and be happy.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Tayl.</em> [<em>Pausing.</em>] I think I had e'en as good follow -the Gentleman's friendly Advice; for if I dispute any -longer, who knows but the Whim may take him to case -me? These Courtiers are fuller of Tricks than they are -of Money; they'll sooner cut a Man's Throat, than pay -his Bill.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Taylor</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> So, how do you like my Shapes now?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> This will do to a Miracle; he looks like -a Bishop going to the Holy War. But to your Arms, -Gentlemen, the Enemy appears.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Constable and Watch.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Watch.</em> Stand! Who goes there? Come before the -Constable.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> The Constable is a Rascal——and you are -the Son of a Whore.</p> - -<p><em>Watch.</em> A good civil Answer for a Parson, truly!</p> - -<p><em>Constab.</em> Methinks, Sir, a Man of your Coat might -set a better Example.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sirrah, I'll make you know——there are -Men of my Coat can set as bad Examples——as you can -do, you Dog, you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span> strikes the Constable. They knock him down, -disarm him, and seize him. Lord Rake, &c. run away.</em></p> - -<p><em>Constab.</em> So, we have secur'd the Parson, however.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Blood, and Blood——and Blood.</p> - -<p><em>Watch.</em> Lord have mercy upon us! How the wicked -Wretch raves of Blood! I'll warrant he has been murdering -some body to-night.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sirrah, there's nothing got by Murder but -a Halter: My Talent lies towards Drunkenness and -Simony.</p> - -<p><em>Watch.</em> Why, that now was spoke like a Man of Parts, -Neighbours; 'tis pity he shou'd be so disguised.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> You lye——I'm not disguis'd; for I am -drunk barefac'd.</p> - -<p><em>Watch.</em> Look you there again—This is a mad Parson, -Mr. <em>Constable</em>; I'll lay a Pot of Ale upon 's Head, he's -a good Preacher.</p> - -<p><em>Constab.</em> Come, Sir, out of respect to your Calling, I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span> -shan't put you into the Round-house; but we must secure -you in our Drawing-room till Morning, that you -may do no Mischief. So, come along.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> You may put me where you will, Sirrah, -now you have overcome me——But if I can't do -Mischief, I'll think of Mischief—in spite of your Teeth, -you Dog, you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>A Bed-Chamber.</em></h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Heartfree</span> solus.</em> -</p> - -<p class="drop-capw"><span class="smcap">What</span> the Plague ails me?——Love? No, I -thank you for that, my Heart's Rock still——Yet -'tis <em>Belinda</em> that disturbs me; that's positive——Well, -what of all that? Must I love her for being troublesome? -At that rate I might love all the Women I -meet, I'gad. But hold!—Tho' I don't love her for disturbing -me, yet she may disturb me, because I love her——Ay, -that may be, 'faith. I have dreamt of her, -that's certain——Well, so I have of my Mother; therefore -what's that to the purpose? Ay, but <em>Belinda</em> runs -in my Mind waking—and so does many a damn'd -thing that I don't care a Farthing for——Methinks, -tho', I would fain be talking to her, and yet I have no -Business——Well, am I the first Man that has had a -Mind to do an impertinent thing?</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Constant</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> How now, <em>Heartfree</em>? What makes you up -and dress'd so soon? I thought none but Lovers quarrell'd -with their Beds; I expected to have found you -snoring, as I us'd to do.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Why, 'faith, Friend, 'tis the Care I have of -your Affairs, that makes me so thoughtful; I have been -studying all Night how to bring your matter about with -<em>Belinda</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> With <em>Belinda</em>?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> With my Lady, I mean: And, 'faith, I have -mighty Hopes on't. Sure you must be very well satisfied -with her Behaviour to you yesterday?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> So well, that nothing but a Lover's Fears can -make me doubt of Success. But what can this sudden -Change proceed from?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Why, you saw her Husband beat her, did you not?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> That's true: A Husband is scarce to be borne -upon any terms, much less when he fights with his Wife. -Methinks, she shou'd e'en have cuckolded him upon the -very spot, to shew that after the Battle she was Master -of the Field.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> A Council of War of Women wou'd infallibly -have advis'd her to't. But, I confess, so agreeable -a Woman as <em>Belinda</em> deserves better Usage.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> <em>Belinda</em> again!</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> My Lady, I mean. What a Pox makes me -blunder so to-day? [<em>Aside.</em>] A Plague of this treacherous -Tongue!</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Pr'ythee, look upon me seriously, <em>Heartfree</em>—Now -answer me directly: Is it my Lady, or <em>Belinda</em>, -employs your careful Thoughts thus?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> My Lady, or <em>Belinda</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> In Love; by this Light, in Love.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> In Love!</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Nay, ne'er deny it; for thou'lt do it so aukwardly, -'twill but make the Jest sit heavier about thee. -My dear Friend, I give thee much Joy.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Why, pr'ythee, you won't persuade me to it, -will you?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> That she's Mistress of your Tongue, that's -plain; and I know you are so honest a Fellow, your -Tongue and Heart always go together. But how, but -how the Devil? Pha, ha, ha, ha—</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Hey-dey! Why, sure you don't believe it in -earnest?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Yes, I do, because I see you deny it in jest.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Nay, but look you, <em>Ned</em>—a——deny in jest——a——gadzooks, -you know I say——a——when a -Man denies a thing in jest—a—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Pha, ha, ha, ha, ha.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Nay, then we shall have it: What, because -a Man stumbles at a Word: did you never make a Blunder?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Yes; for I am in Love, I own it.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Then, so am I—Now laugh till thy Soul's -glutted with Mirth. [<em>Embracing him.</em>] But, dear <em>Constant</em>, -don't tell the Town on't.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Nay, then, 'twere almost pity to laugh at thee, -after so honest a Confession. But tell us a little, <em>Jack</em>, -by what new-invented Arms has this mighty Stroke been -given?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> E'en by that unaccountable Weapon call'd -<em>Je-ne-sçai-quoy</em>: For every thing that can come within -the Verge of Beauty, I have seen it with indifference.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> So in few Words, then, the <em>Je-ne-sçai-quoy</em> has -been too hard for the quilted Petticoat.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> I'gad, I think the <em>Je-ne-sçai-quoy</em> is in the -quilted Petticoat; at least 'tis certain, I ne'er think on't -without——a——a <em>Je-ne-sçai-quoy</em> in every Part about -me.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Well, but have all your Remedies lost their -Virtue? Have you turn'd her inside out yet?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> I dare not so much as think on't.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> But don't the two Years Fatigue I have had -discourage you?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Yes: I dread what I foresee; yet cannot quit -the Enterprize. Like some Soldiers, whose Courage -dwells more in their Honour, than their Nature—on -they go, tho' the Body trembles at what the Soul makes -it undertake.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Nay, if you expect your Mistress will use you -as your Profanations against her Sex deserve, you tremble -justly. But how do you intend to proceed, Friend?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Thou know'st I'm but a Novice; be friendly, -and advise me.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Why, look you, then: I'd have you—Serenade -and a——write a Song——Go to Church; Look like a -Fool——Be very officious; Ogle, write and lead out: -And who knows but in a Year or two's time you may<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span> -be——call'd a troublesome Puppy, and sent about -your Business.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> That's hard.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Yet thus it oft falls out with Lovers, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Pox on me for making one of the Number!</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Have a care: Say no saucy things; 'twill but -augment your Crime; and if your Mistress hears on't, -increase your Punishment.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Pr'ythee say something, then, to encourage -me; you know I help'd you in your Distress.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Why, then, to encourage you to Perseverance, -tho' you may be thoroughly ill-us'd for your Offences; -I'll put you in mind, that even the coyest Ladies of 'em -all are made up of Desires, as well as we; and tho' -they do hold out a long time, they will capitulate at -last. For that thundering Engineer, Nature, does -make such havock in the Town, they must surrender -at long run, or perish in their own Flames.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter a Footman.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Foot.</em> Sir, there's a Porter without with a Letter; he -desires to give it into your own Hands.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Call him in.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Porter.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> What, <em>Joe</em>! Is it thee?</p> - -<p><em>Porter.</em> An't please you, Sir, I was order'd to deliver -this into your own Hands by two well-shap'd Ladies, at -the <em>New Exchange</em>. I was at your Honour's Lodgings, -and your Servants sent me hither.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> 'Tis well; are you to carry any Answer?</p> - -<p><em>Porter.</em> No, my noble Master. They gave me my -Orders, and whip they were gone, like a Maidenhead -at Fifteen.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Very well; there.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Gives him Money.</em></p> - -<p><em>Porter.</em> God bless your Honour!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Porter.</em></p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Now let's see what honest, trusty <em>Joe</em> has -brought us.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Reads.</em></p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><em>If you and your Play-Fellow can spare time from your -Business and Devotions, don't fail to be at <span class="antiqua">Spring-Garden</span> -about Eight in the Evening. You'll find nothing -there but Women, so you need bring no other Arms than -what you usually carry about you.</em></p></div> - -<p>So, Play-fellow: here's something to stay your Stomach -till your Mistress's Dish is ready for you.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Some of our old batter'd Acquaintance. I -won't go, not I.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Nay, that you can't avoid; there's Honour -in the Case; 'tis a Challenge, and I want a Second.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> I doubt I shall be but a very useless one to -you; for I'm so dishearten'd by this Wound <em>Belinda</em> has -given me, I don't think I shall have Courage enough -to draw my Sword.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> O, if that be all, come along; I'll warrant -you find Sword enough for such Enemies as we have to -deal withal.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>A Street</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Constable, &c. with Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Constab.</em> Come along, Sir; I thought to have let you -slip this Morning, because you were a Minister; -but you are as drunk and as abusive as ever. -We'll see what the Justice of the Peace will say to you.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> And you shall see what I'll say to the -Justice of the Peace, Sirrah.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>They knock at the Door.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Constab.</em> Pray, acquaint his Worship, we have got an -unruly Parson here: We are unwilling to expose him, -but don't know what to do with him.</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> I'll acquaint my Master.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Serv.</em></p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> You——Constable—What damn'd Justice -is this?</p> - -<p><em>Constab.</em> One that will take Care of you, I warrant -you.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Justice.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Well, Mr. Constable, what's the Disorder here?</p> - -<p><em>Constab.</em> An't please your Worship——</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Let me speak, and be damn'd: I'm a Divine, -and can unfold Mysteries better than you can do.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Sadness, sadness! A Minister so overtaken! Pray, -Sir, give the Constable leave to speak, and I'll hear you -very patiently: I assure you, Sir, I will.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir——You are a very civil Magistrate! -Your most humble Servant.</p> - -<p><em>Constab.</em> An't please your Worship, then, he has attempted -to beat the Watch to-night, and swore——</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> You lye.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Hold, pray, Sir, a little.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir, your very humble Servant.</p> - -<p><em>Constab.</em> Indeed, Sir, he came at us without any Provocation, -call'd us Whores and Rogues, and laid us on -with a great Quarter-staff. He was in my Lord <em>Rake</em>'s -Company: They have been playing the Devil to-night.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Hem——Hem——Pray, Sir——may you be -Chaplain to my Lord?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir——I presume——I may if I will.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> My meaning, Sir, is——Are you so?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir—You mean very well.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> He, hem——hem——Under Favour, Sir, pray -answer me directly.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Under Favour, Sir——Do you use to answer -directly when you are drunk?</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Good lack, good lack! Here's nothing to be -got from him: Pray, Sir, may I crave your Name?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir——My Name's——[<em>He hiccups.</em>] -Hiccup, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Hiccup? Doctor <em>Hiccup</em>, I have known a great -many Country Parsons of that Name, especially down -in the <em>Fenns</em>. Pray where do you live, Sir?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Here——and there, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Why, what a strange Man is this! Where do -you preach, Sir? Have you any Cure?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir——I have——a very good Cure——for -a Clap, at your Service.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Lord have mercy upon us!</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] This Fellow asks so many impertinent -Questions, I believe, I'gad, 'tis the Justice's -Wife in the Justice's Clothes.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Mr. Constable, I vow and protest, I don't know -what to do with him.</p> - -<p><em>Constab.</em> Truly, he has been but a troublesome Guest -to us all Night.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> I think, I had e'en best let him go about his -Business; for I'm unwilling to expose him.</p> - -<p><em>Constab.</em> E'en what your Worship thinks fit.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir——not to interrupt Mr. Constable, I -have a small Favour to ask.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Sir, I open both my Ears to you.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir, your very humble Servant. I have a -little urgent Business calls upon me; and therefore I desire -the Favour of you to bring Matters to a Conclusion.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Sir, if I were sure that Business were not to -commit more Disorders, I wou'd release you.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> None——By my Priesthood!</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Then, Mr. Constable, you may discharge him.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir, your very humble Servant. If you -please to accept of a Bottle—</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> I thank you, kindly, Sir; but I never drink -in a Morning. Good-by t'ye, Sir, good-by t'ye.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Good by t'ye, good Sir. [<em>Exit Justice.</em>] So——now, -Mr. Constable, shall you and I go pick up a -Whore together?</p> - -<p><em>Constab.</em> No, thank you, Sir; my Wife's enough to -satisfy any reasonable Man.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] He, he, he, he—the Fool is -married, then. Well, you won't go?</p> - -<p><em>Constab.</em> Not I, truly.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Then I'll go by myself; and you and your<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span> -Wife may be damn'd.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Constable.</em> [<em>Gazing after him.</em>] Why, God a-mercy, -Parson?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Spring-Garden</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Constant</span> and <span class="antiqua">Heartfree</span> cross the Stage. As they go off, -enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Fancyfull</span> and <span class="antiqua">Madamoiselle</span> mask'd, and -dogging 'em.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> So; I think we are about the time appointed: -let us walk up this way.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Good: Thus far I have dogg'd 'em without -being discover'd. 'Tis infallibly some Intrigue that -brings them to <em>Spring-Garden</em>. How my poor Heart is -torn and rackt with Fear and Jealousy! Yet let it be -any thing but that Flirt <em>Belinda</em>, and I'll try to bear it. -But if it prove her, all that's Woman in me shall be employ'd -to destroy her.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt after <span class="antiqua">Constant</span> and <span class="antiqua">Heartfree</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Re-enter <span class="antiqua">Constant</span> and <span class="antiqua">Heartfree</span>, Lady <span class="antiqua">Fancyfull</span> and -<span class="antiqua">Madamoiselle</span> still following at a Distance</em>. -</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> I see no Females yet, that have any thing to say -to us. I'm afraid we are banter'd.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> I wish we were; for I'm in no Humour to -make either them or myself merry.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Nay, I'm sure you'll make them merry enough, -if I tell 'em why you are dull. But pr'ythee why so -heavy and sad before you begin to be ill us'd?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> For the same Reason, perhaps, that you are so -brisk and well pleas'd; because both Pains and Pleasures -are generally more considerable in Prospect, than when -they come to pass.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Brute</span> and <span class="antiqua">Belinda</span>, mask'd and poorly dress'd.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> How now! who are these? Not our Game, I -hope.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> If they are, we are e'en well enough serv'd, to -come a-hunting here, when we had so much better Game -in Chase elsewhere.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> [<em>To Madamoiselle.</em>] So, those are their Ladies, -without doubt. But I'm afraid that <em>Doily</em> Stuff is -not worn for want of better Clothes. They are the very -Shape and Size of <em>Belinda</em> and her Aunt.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> So dey be inteed, Matam.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> We'll slip into this close Arbour, where -we may hear all they say.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt Lady <span class="antiqua">Fancyfull</span> and <span class="antiqua">Madamoiselle</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> What, are you afraid of us, Gentlemen?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Why, truly, I think we may, if Appearance -don't lye.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Do you always find Women what they appear to -be, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> No, forsooth; but I seldom find 'em better -than they appear to be.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Then the Outside's best, you think?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> 'Tis the honestest.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Have a care, <em>Heartfree</em>; you are relapsing again.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Why, does the Gentleman use to rail at -Women?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> He has done formerly.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> I suppose he had very good Cause for't. They -did not use you so well as you thought you deserv'd, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> They made themselves merry at your Expence, -Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Laugh'd when you sigh'd—</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Slept while you were waking—</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Had your Porter beat—</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> And threw your Billet-doux in the Fire.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Hey-day, I shall do more than rail presently.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Why, you won't beat us, will you?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> I don't know but I may.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> What the Devil's coming here? Sir <em>John</em> in a -Gown——And drunk, i'faith.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> What a Pox——here's <em>Constant</em>, <em>Heartfree</em>—<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span>and -two Whores, I'gad——O you covetous Rogues! -what, have you never a spare Punk for your Friend?——But -I'll share with you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>He seizes both the Women.</em></p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Why, what the plague have you been doing, -Knight?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Why, I have been beating the Watch, and -scandalizing the Clergy.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> A very good Account, truly.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> And what do you think I'll do next?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em>. Nay, that no Man can guess.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Why, if you'll let me sup with you, I'll -treat both your Strumpets.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] O Lord, we're undone!</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> No, we can't sup together, because we have -some Affairs elsewhere. But if you'll accept of these -two Ladies, we'll be so complaisant to you, to resign our -Right in 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Lord, what shall we do?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Let me see; their Clothes are such damn'd -Clothes, they won't pawn for the Reckoning.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> <em>Sir John</em>, your Servant. Rapture attend you!</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Adieu, Ladies, make much of the Gentleman.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Why, sure, you won't leave us in the Hands -of a drunken Fellow to abuse us.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Who do you call a drunken Fellow, you -Slut you? I'm a Man of Quality; the King has made -me a Knight.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Heart.</span> runs off.</em></p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Ay, ay, you are in good Hands! Adieu, -Adieu!</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> The Devil's Hands: Let me go, or -I'll—For Heaven's sake, protect us!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>She breaks from him, runs to <span class="antiqua">Constant</span>, twitching off -her Mask, and clapping it on again.</em></p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> I'll Devil you, you Jade you. I'll demolish -your ugly Face.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Hold a little, Knight, she swoons.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> I'll swoon her.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Hey, <em>Heartfree</em>.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Re-enter <span class="antiqua">Heartfree</span>. <span class="antiqua">Belinda</span> runs to him, and shews her -Face.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> O Heavens! My dear Creature, stand there a -little.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Pull him off, <em>Jack</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Hold, mighty Man; look ye, Sir, we did -but jest with you. These are Ladies of our Acquaintance -that we had a mind to frighten a little, but now you -must leave us.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Oons, I won't leave you, not I.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Nay, but you must, though; and therefore -make no Words on't.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Then you are a couple of damned uncivil -Fellows. And I hope your Punks will give you Sauce -to your Mutton.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Oh, I shall never come to myself again, -I'm so frightened.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> 'Twas a narrow 'Scape, indeed.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Women must have Frolicks, you see, whatever -they cost them.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> This might have proved a dear one, though.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> You are the more obliged to us for the -Risk we run upon your Accounts.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> And I hope you'll acknowledge something due -to our Knight-Errantry, Ladies. This is the second -time we have delivered you.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> 'Tis true; and since we see Fate has designed -you for our Guardians, 'twill make us the more -willing to trust ourselves in your Hands. But you must -not have the worse Opinion of us for our innocent Frolick.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Ladies, you may command our Opinions in -every thing that is to your Advantage.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Then, Sir, I command you to be of Opinion, -That Women are sometimes better than they appear to -be.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Lady <span class="antiqua">Brute</span> and <span class="antiqua">Constant</span> talk apart.</em></p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Madam, you have made a Convert of me in -every thing. I'm grown a Fool: I cou'd be fond of a -Woman.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> I thank you, Sir, in the Name of the whole Sex.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Which Sex nothing but yourself cou'd ever -have aton'd for.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Now has my Vanity a devilish Itch, to know in -what my Merit consists.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> In your Humility, Madam, that keeps you -ignorant it consists at all.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> One other Compliment, with that serious Face, -and I hate you for ever after.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Some Women love to be abus'd: Is that it -you wou'd be at?</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> No, not that, neither: But I'd have Men talk -plainly what's fit for Women to hear; without putting -'em either to a real or an affected Blush.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Why, then, in as plain Terms as I can find to -express myself, I could love you even to—Matrimony itself -a'most, I'gad.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Just as Sir <em>John</em> did her Ladyship there.——What -think you? Don't you believe one Month's time -might bring you down to the same Indifference, only -clad in a little better Manners, perhaps? Well, you -Men are unaccountable things, mad till you have your -Mistresses, and then stark mad till you are rid of 'em -again. Tell me honestly, Is not your Patience put to a -much severer Trial after Possession than before?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> With a great many I must confess it is, to -our eternal Scandal; but I——dear Creature, do but -try me.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> That's the surest way, indeed, to know, but not -the safest. [<em>To Lady <span class="antiqua">Brute</span>.</em>] Madam, are not you for -taking a Turn in the Great Walk? It's almost dark, -no body will know us.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Really I find myself something idle, <em>Belinda</em>: -besides, I doat upon this little odd private Corner. -But don't let my lazy Fancy confine you. [<em>Const. aside.</em>] -So, she wou'd be left alone with me; that's well.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Well, we'll take one Turn, and come to you -again. [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Heart</span>.</em>] Come, Sir, shall we go pry into the -Secrets of the Garden? Who knows what Discoveries -we may make?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Madam, I'm at your Service.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Heart</span>. aside.</em>] Don't make too much haste -back; for, d'ye hear?——I may be busy.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Enough.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt <span class="antiqua">Belinda</span> and <span class="antiqua">Heartfree</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Sure you think me scandalously free, Mr. -<em>Constant</em>. I'm afraid I shall lose your good Opinion of me.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> My good Opinion, Madam, is like your Cruelty——ne'er -to be remov'd.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> But if I should remove my Cruelty, then -there's an end of your good Opinion.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> There is not so strict an Alliance between 'em, -neither. 'Tis certain I shou'd love you then better (if -that be possible) than I do now; and where I love, I always -esteem.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Indeed, I doubt you much. Why, suppose -you had a Wife, and she should entertain a Gallant?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> If I gave her just Cause, how cou'd I justly condemn -her?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Ah! but you'd differ widely about just -Causes.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> But Blows can bear no Dispute.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Nor ill Manners much, truly.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Then no Woman upon Earth has so just a Cause -as you have.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> O, but a faithful Wife is a beautiful -Character.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> To a deserving Husband, I confess it is.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> But can his Faults release my Duty?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> In Equity, without doubt. And where Laws -dispense with Equity, Equity should dispense with Laws.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Pray let's leave this Dispute; for you -Men have as much Witchcraft in your Arguments, as -Women have in their Eyes.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> But whilst you attack me with your Charms, -'tis but reasonable I assault you with mine.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> The Case is not the same. What Mischief -we do, we can't help, and therefore are to be forgiven.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Beauty soon obtains Pardon for the Pain that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span> -it gives, when it applies the Balm of Compassion to the -Wound: But a fine Face, and a hard Heart, is almost -as bad as an ugly Face and a soft one; both very -troublesome to many a poor Gentleman.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Yes, and to many a poor Gentlewoman, -too, I can assure you. But pray, which of 'em is it that -most afflicts you?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Your Glass and Conscience will inform you, -Madam. But for Heaven's sake (for now I must be serious), -if Pity, or if Gratitude can move you; [<em>Taking -her Hand.</em>] if Constancy and Truth have power to -tempt you; if Love, if Adoration can affect you; give -me at least some Hopes, that Time may do what you -perhaps mean never to perform; 'twill ease my Sufferings, -tho' not quench my Flame.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Your Sufferings eas'd, your Flame wou'd -soon abate: And that I would preserve, not quench it, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Wou'd you preserve it, nourish it with Favours; -for that's the Food it naturally requires.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Yet on that natural Food 'twould surfeit -soon, shou'd I resolve to grant all you wou'd ask.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> And in refusing all, you starve it. Forgive me, -therefore, since my Hunger rages, if I at last grow wild, -and in my frenzy force at least this from you. [<em>Kissing -her Hand.</em>] Or if you'd have my Flame soar higher still, -then grant me this, and this, and Thousands more; [<em>Kissing -first her Hand, then her Neck.</em>] [<em>Aside.</em>] For now's the -time she melts into Compassion.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Poor Coward Virtue, how it -shuns the Battle! O Heavens! let me go.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Ay, go, ay: Where shall we go, my charming -Angel——into this private Arbour——Nay, let's lose -no time——Moments are precious.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> And Lovers wild. Pray let us stop here; -at least for this time.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> 'Tis impossible; he that has power over you, -can have none over himself.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>As he is forcing her into the Arbour, Lady <span class="antiqua">Fancyfull</span> and -<span class="antiqua">Madamoiselle</span> bolt out upon them, and run over the -Stage.</em> -</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Ah! I'm lost!</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Fe, fe, fe, fe, fe.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Fe, fe, fe, fe, fe.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Death and Furies, who are these?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> O Heavens! I'm out of my Wits; if -they knew me, I am ruin'd.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Don't be frightened: Ten thousand to one -they are Strangers to you.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Whatever they are, I won't stay here a -Moment longer.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Whither will you go?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Home, as if the Devil were in me. Lord, -where's this <em>Belinda</em> now?</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Belinda</span> and <span class="antiqua">Heartfree</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>O! 'tis well you are come: I'm so frightened, my -Hair stands an end. Let's be gone, for Heaven's sake!</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Lord, what's the matter?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> The Devil's the Matter; we are discovered. -Here's a couple of Women have done the most -impertinent thing. Away, away, away, away, away.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit running.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Re-enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Fancyfull</span> and <span class="antiqua">Madamoiselle</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Well, <em>Madamoiselle</em>, 'tis a prodigious thing -how Women can suffer filthy Fellows to grow so familiar -with 'em.</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Ah Madame, il n'y a rien de si naturel.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Fe, fe, fe! But, oh my Heart! O Jealousy! -O Torture! I'm upon the rack. What shall I do? My -Lover's lost, I ne'er shall see him mine. [<em>Pausing.</em>]——But -I may be reveng'd; and that's the same thing. Ah -sweet Revenge! Thou welcome Thought, thou healing -Balsam to my wounded Soul! Be but propitious on this -one Occasion, I'll place my Heaven in thee, for all my -Life to come.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">To Woman how indulgent Nature's kind!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">No Blast of Fortune long disturbs her Mind:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Compliance to her Fate supports her still;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">If Love won't make her happy—Mischief will.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p> -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-198.jpg" width="700" height="38" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_V3" id="ACT_V3"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> V.</a></h3> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Lady</em> Fancyfull's <em>House</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Fancyfull</span> and <span class="antiqua">Madamoiselle</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">W</span>ell</span>, <em>Madamoiselle</em>, did you dog -the filthy Things?</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>O que ouy, Madame.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> And where are they?</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Au Logis.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> What, Men and all?</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Tous ensemble.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> O Confidence! What, carry their Fellows -to their own House?</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>C'est que le Mari n'y est pas.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> No; so I believe, truly. But he shall be -there, and quickly too, if I can find him out. Well, 'tis -a prodigious thing, to see when Men and Women get -together, how they fortify one another in their Impudence. -But if that drunken Fool, her Husband, he to -be found in e'er a Tavern in Town, I'll send him amongst -'em: I'll spoil their sport.</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>En verité, Madame, ce seroit domage.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> 'Tis in vain to oppose it, <em>Madamoiselle</em>; -therefore never go about it. For I am the steadiest Creature -in the World—when I have determin'd to do -Mischief. So, come along.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Sir <span class="antiqua">John Brute</span>'s House</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Constant</span>, <span class="antiqua">Heartfree</span>, Lady <span class="antiqua">Brute</span>, <span class="antiqua">Belinda</span>, and -<span class="antiqua">Lovewell</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> But are you sure you don't mistake, -<em>Lovewell</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> Madam, I saw 'em all go into the Tavern together, -and my Master was so drunk he cou'd scarce -stand.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Then, Gentlemen, I believe we may venture -to let you stay, and play at Cards with us, an Hour -or two: For they'll scarce part till Morning.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> I think 'tis pity they should ever part.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> The Company that's here, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Then, Sir, the Company that's here must -remember to part itself in time.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Madam, we don't intend to forfeit your future -Favours by an indiscreet Usage of this. The Moment -you give us the Signal, we shan't fail to make our Retreat.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Upon those Conditions, then, let us sit -down to Cards.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lovewell</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lov.</em> O Lord, Madam, here's my Master just staggering -in upon you; he has been quarrelsome yonder, and -they have kick'd him out of the Company.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Into the Closet, Gentlemen, for Heaven's -sake; I'll wheedle him to Bed, if possible.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Const.</span> and <span class="antiqua">Heart.</span> run into the Closet.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span>, all dirt and bloody.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Ah——Ah——he's all over Blood!</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> What the plague does the Woman—squall -for? Did you never see a Man in Pickle before?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Lord, where have you been?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> I have been at——Cuffs.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> I fear that is not all. I hope you are not -wounded.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sound as a Roach, Wife.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> I'm mighty glad to hear it.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> You know—I think you lye.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> You do me wrong to think so. For Heaven's -my Witness; I had rather see my own Blood trickle -down, than yours.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Then will I be crucify'd.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> 'Tis a hard Fate, I shou'd not be believ'd.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> 'Tis a damn'd Atheistical Age, Wife.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> I am sure I have given you a thousand -tender Proofs, how great my Care is of you. But, spite -of all your cruel Thoughts, I'll still persist, and at this -Moment, if I can, persuade you to lie down and sleep a -little.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Why—do you think I am drunk—you Slut, -you?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Heaven forbid I shou'd! But I'm afraid -you are feverish. Pray let me feel your Pulse.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Stand off, and be damn'd.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Why, I see your Distemper in your very -Eyes. You are all on Fire. Pray, go to Bed; let me -intreat you.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em>——Come, kiss me, then.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> [<em>Kissing him.</em>] There: Now go. [<em>Aside.</em>] -He stinks like Poison.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> I see it goes damnably against your Stomach—And -therefore—Kiss me again.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Nay, now you fool me.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Do't, I say.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Ah, Lord have mercy upon me! -Well—there: now will you go?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Now, Wife, you shall see my Gratitude. -You gave me two Kisses—I'll give you—two hundred.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Kisses, and tumbles her.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> O Lord! Pray, Sir John, be quiet. Heavens, -what a Pickle am I in!</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] If I were in her Pickle, I'd call my Gallant -out of the Closet, and he shou'd cudgel him soundly.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> So, now you being as dirty and as nasty as<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span> -myself, we may go pig together. But first I must have a -Cup of your cold Tea, Wife.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Going to the Closet.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> O I'm ruin'd! There's none there, my -Dear.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> I'll warrant you I'll find some, my Dear.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> You can't open the Door, the Lock's -spoil'd; I have been turning and turning the Key this -half Hour to no purpose. I'll send for the Smith to-morrow.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> There's ne'er a Smith in <em>Europe</em> can open a -Door with more Expedition than I can do——As for -Example—Poh! [<em>He bursts open the Door with his Foot.</em>]——How -now! What the Devil have we got here?——<em>Constant</em>——<em>Heartfree</em>——And -two Whores again, I'gad——This -is the worst cold Tea——that ever I met with -in my Life——</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Constant</span> and <span class="antiqua">Heartfree</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] O Lord, what will become of us?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Gentlemen——I am your very humble Servant—I -give you many Thanks——I see you take Care -of my Family——I shall do all I can to return the Obligation.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Sir, how oddly soever this Business may appear to -you, you would have no cause to be uneasy, if you knew -the Truth of all things; your Lady is the most virtuous -Woman in the World, and nothing has past but an innocent -Frolick.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Nothing else, upon my Honour, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> You are both very civil Gentlemen—And -my Wife, there, is a very civil Gentlewoman; therefore -I don't doubt but many civil things have past between -you. Your very humble Servant.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> [<em>Aside to <span class="antiqua">Const</span>.</em>] Pray be gone: He's so -drunk he can't hurt us to-night, and to-morrow Morning -you shall hear from us.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> I'll obey you, Madam. Sir, when you are -cool, you'll understand Reason better. So then I shall take -the pains to inform you. If not——I wear a Sword, -Sir, and so good by t'ye. Come along, <em>Heartfree</em>.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Wear a Sword, Sir—And what of all that, -Sir? He comes to my House; eats my Meat; lies with -my Wife; dishonours my Family; gets a Bastard to inherit -my Estate——And when I ask a civil Account of -all this—Sir, says he, I wear a Sword—Wear a Sword, -Sir? Yes, Sir, says he, I wear a Sword——It may be -a good Answer at Cross-purposes; but 'tis a damn'd one -to a Man in my whimsical Circumstance——Sir, says he, -I wear a Sword! [<em>To Lady <span class="antiqua">Brute</span>.</em>] And what do you -wear now? ha! tell me. [<em>Sitting down in a great Chair.</em>] -What, you are modest, and can't—Why, then, I'll tell -you, you Slut, you. You wear——an impudent, lewd -Face——A damn'd designing Heart——And a Tail——and -a Tail full of——[<em>He falls fast asleep, snoaring.</em>]</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> So; thanks to kind Heaven, he's fast for -some Hours.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> 'Tis well he is so, that we may have time to lay -our Story handsomely; for we must lye like the Devil, -to bring ourselves off.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> What shall we say, <em>Belinda</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> [<em>Musing.</em>]——I'll tell you: It must all light upon -<em>Heartfree</em> and I. We'll say he has courted me some time, -but, for Reasons unknown to us, has ever been very -earnest the thing might be kept from Sir <em>John</em>. That -therefore hearing him upon the Stairs, he ran into the -Closet, tho' against our Will, and <em>Constant</em> with him, to -prevent Jealousy. And to give this a good impudent -Face of Truth, (that I may deliver you from the trouble -you are in) I'll e'en, if he pleases, marry him.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> I'm beholden to you, Cousin; but that -wou'd be carrying the Jest a little too far for your own -sake: You know he's a younger Brother, and has nothing.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> 'Tis true: But I like him, and have Fortune -enough to keep above Extremity: I can't say I would -live with him in a Cell, upon Love and Bread and Butter: -But I had rather have the Man I love, and a middle -State of Life, than that Gentleman in the Chair there, -and twice your Ladyship's Splendour.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> In truth, Niece, you are in the right on't;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span> -for I am very uneasy with my Ambition. But, perhaps, -had I married as you'll do, I might have been as ill us'd.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Some Risk, I do confess, there always is: But -if a Man has the least Spark either of Honour or Good-nature, -he can never use a Woman ill, that loves him, -and makes his Fortune both. Yet I must own to you, -some little struggling I still have with this teazing Ambition -of ours; for Pride, you know, is as natural to a -Woman, as 'tis to a Saint. I can't help being fond of -this Rogue; and yet it goes to my Heart, to think I must -never whisk to <em>Hyde-Park</em> with above a Pair of Horses; -have no Coronet upon my Coach, nor a Page to carry -up my Train. But above all—that Business of Place—Well, -taking place is a noble Prerogative—</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Especially after a Quarrel—</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Or of a Rival. But pray say no more on't, for -fear I change my Mind; for, o' my Conscience, wer't -not for your Affair in the Balance, I should go near to -pick up some odious Man of Quality yet, and only take -poor <em>Heartfree</em> for a Gallant.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Then him you must have, however things -go?</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Yes.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Why, we may pretend what we will: but -'tis a hard matter to live without the Man we love.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Especially when we are married to the Man we -hate. Pray tell me: Do the Men of the Town ever -believe us virtuous, when they see us do so?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> O, no: Nor indeed, hardly, let us do -what we will. The most of them think, there is no -such thing as Virtue, consider'd in the strictest Notions -of it; and therefore when you hear 'em say, such a one -is a Woman of Reputation, they only mean she's a Woman -of Discretion. For they consider we have no more -Religion than they have, nor so much Morality; and -between you and I, <em>Belinda</em>, I'm afraid the want of -Inclination seldom protects any of us.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> But what think you of the Fear of being found -out?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> I think That never kept any Woman vir<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span>tuous -long. We are not such Cowards, neither. No: -Let us once pass Fifteen, and we have too good an Opinion -of our own Cunning, to believe the World can penetrate -into what we would keep a Secret. And so, in -short, we cannot reasonably blame the Men for judging -of us by themselves.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> But sure we are not so wicked as they are, after all?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> We are as wicked, Child, but our Vice -lies another way: Men have more Courage than we, so -they commit more bold, impudent Sins. They quarrel, -fight, swear, drink, blaspheme, and the like: Whereas -we, being Cowards, only backbite, tell Lyes, cheat at -Cards, and so forth. But 'tis late: Let's end our Discourse -for to-night, and, out of an excess of Charity, take -a small Care of that nasty, drunken Thing there——Do -but look at him, <em>Belinda</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Ah——'tis a savoury Dish.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> As savoury as 'tis, I'm cloy'd with't. -Pr'ythee call the Butler to take it away.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Call the Butler!—--Call the Scavenger! [<em>To a -Servant within.</em>] Who's there? Call <em>Rasor</em>! Let him -take away his Master, scour him clean with a little Sope -and Sand, and so put him to Bed.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Come, <em>Belinda</em>, I'll e'en lie with you to-night; -and in the Morning we'll send for our Gentlemen -to set this Matter even.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> With all my Heart.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Good Night, my Dear.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Making a low Curtsy to Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em></p> - -<p>[<em>Both.</em>] Ha, ha, ha!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Rasor</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> My Lady there's a Wag—My Master there's -a Cuckold. Marriage is a slippery thing—Women have -depraved Appetites.—My Lady's a Wag; I have heard -all; I have seen all; I understand all; and I'll tell all; -for my little <em>French-woman</em> loves News dearly. This -Story'll gain her Heart, or nothing will. [<em>To his Master.</em>] -Come, Sir, your Head's too full of Fumes at present, to -make room for your Jealousy; but I reckon we shall<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span> -have rare work with you, when your Pate's empty. -Come to your Kennel, you cuckoldly, drunken Sot, you!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Carries him out upon his Back.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Lady</em> Fancyfull's <em>House</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Fancyfull</span> and <span class="antiqua">Madamoiselle</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> But, why did not you tell me before, -<em>Madamoiselle</em>, that <em>Rasor</em> and you were -fond?</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> De Modesty hinder me, Matam.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Why, truly, Modesty does often hinder us -from doing things we have an extravagant mind to. But -does he love you well enough yet, to do any thing you -bid him? Do you think, to oblige you, he wou'd speak -Scandal?</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Matam, to oblige your Ladyship, he shall -speak Blasphemy.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Why, then, <em>Madamoiselle</em>, I'll tell you what -you shall do. You shall engage him to tell his Master -all that past at <em>Spring Garden</em>: I have a mind he shou'd -know what a Wife and a Niece he has got.</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Il le fera, Madame.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter a Footman, who speaks to <span class="antiqua">Madamoiselle</span> apart.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Foot.</em> <em>Madamoiselle</em>, yonder's Mr. <em>Rasor</em> desires to speak -with you.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Tell him, I come presently. [<em>Exit Footman.</em>] -<em>Rasor</em> be dare, Matam.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> That's fortunate. Well, I'll leave you together. -And if you find him stubborn, <em>Madamoiselle</em>—hark -you—don't refuse him a few little reasonable Liberties -to put him into Humour.</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Laissez moy faire.</em></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Lady</span> Fancyfull.</em></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Rasor</span> peeps in; and seeing Lady <span class="antiqua">Fancyfull</span> gone, runs -to <span class="antiqua">Madamoiselle</span>, takes her about the Neck, and kisses her.</em></p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> How now, Confidence?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> How now, Modesty!</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Who make you so familiar, Sirrah?</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> My Impudence, Hussy.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Stand off, Rogue-Face.</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> Ah——<em>Madamoiselle</em>——great News at our -House.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Why, vat be de matter?</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> The Matter?—Why, Uptails All's the Matter.</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Tu te mocque de moy.</em></p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> Now do you long to know the Particulars: -The Time when—The Place where—The Manner how. -But I don't tell you a Word more.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Nay, den dou kill me, <em>Rasor</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> Come, kiss me, then.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Clapping his Hands behind him.</em></p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Nay, pridee tell me.</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> Good by t' ye.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Going.</em></p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Hold, hold: I will kiss dee.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Kissing him.</em></p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> So, that's civil: Why, now, my pretty Poll, -my Goldfinch, my little Waterwagtail——you must -know, that——Come, kiss me again.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> I won't kiss de no more.</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> Good by t' ye.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Going.</em></p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Doucement! <span class="antiqua">Derre</span>: es tu content?</em></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Kissing him.</em></p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> So: Now I'll tell thee all. Why, the News -is, That Cuckoldom in Folio is newly printed; and -Matrimony in Quarto is just going into the Press. Will -you buy any Books, <em>Madamoiselle</em>?</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Tu parle comme un Libraire</em>; de Devil no understand -dee.</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> Why, then, that I may make myself intelligible -to a Waiting-Woman, I'll speak like a Valet de -Chambre. My Lady has cuckolded my Master.</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Bon.</em></p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> Which we take very ill from her Hands, I can -tell her that. We can't yet prove Matter of Fact upon -her.</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>N'importe.</em></p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> But we can prove, that Matter of Fact had like -to have been upon her.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span></p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Ouy da.</em></p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> For we have such bloody Circumstances—</p> - -<p>Madam. Sans doute.</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> That any Man of Parts may draw tickling -Conclusions from 'em.</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Fort bien.</em></p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> We found a couple of tight, well-built -Gentlemen stufft into her Ladyship's Closet.</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Le Diable!</em></p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> And I, in my particular Person, have discovered -a most damnable Plot, how to persuade my poor -Master, that all this Hide and Seek, this <em>Will</em> in the -<em>Whisp</em>, has no other meaning than a Christian Marriage -for sweet Mrs. <em>Belinda</em>.</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Une Mariage?——Ah les Droles!</em></p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> Don't you interrupt me, Hussy; 'tis agreed, I -say. And my innocent Lady, to wriggle herself out -at the Back-door of the Business, turns Marriage-Bawd to -her Niece, and resolves to deliver up her fair Body to be -tumbled and mumbled by that young liquorish Whipster, -<em>Heartfree</em>. Now are you satisfy'd?</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> No.</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> Right Woman; always gaping for more.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Dis be all, den, dat dou know?</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> All? Aye, and a great deal, too, I think.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Dou be Fool, dou know noting. <em>Ecoute, mon -pauvre</em> Rasor. Dou sees des two Eyes?—Des two Eyes -have see de Devil.</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> The Woman's mad.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> In <em>Spring-Garden</em>, dat Rogue <em>Constant</em> meet -dy Lady.</p> - -<p>Rasor. <em>Bon.</em></p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em>——I'll tell dee no more.</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> Nay, pr'ythee, my Swan.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Come, kiss me den.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Clapping her Hands behind her as he did before.</em></p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> I won't kiss you, not I.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Adieu.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Going.</em></p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> Hold——Now proceed.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Gives her a hearty Kiss.</em></p> - -<p>Madam. <em>A ça</em>——I hide myself in one cunning -Place, where I hear all, and see all. First, dy drunken -Master come <em>mal a propos</em>; but de Sot no know his own -dear Wife, so he leave her to her Sport—Den de Game -begin. De Lover say soft ting: De Lady look upon de -Ground. [<em>As she speaks, <span class="antiqua">Rasor</span> still acts the Man, and she -the Woman.</em>] He take her by de Hand: She turn her -Head on oder Way. Den he squeeze very hard: Den -she pull——very softly. Den he take her in his Arm: -Den she give him leetel pat. Den he kiss her Tettons. -Den she say—Pish, nay see. Den he tremble: Den she—sigh. -Den he pull her into de Arbour: Den she pinch -him.</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> Aye, but not so hard, you Baggage, you.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Den he grow bold: She grow weak, he tro -her down, <em>il tombe dessu, le Diable assiste, il emport tout</em>. -[<em><span class="antiqua">Rasor</span> struggles with her, as if he would throw her -down.</em>] Stand off, Sirrah!</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> You have set me a-fire, you Jade, you.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Den go to de River, and quench dy self.</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> What an unnatural Harlot 'tis!</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> <em>Rasor.</em></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Looking languishingly on him.</em></p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> <em>Madamoiselle.</em></p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Dou no love me.</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> Not love thee?—More than a <em>Frenchman</em> does -Soup.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Den dou will refuse nothing dat I bid dee?</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> Don't bid me be damn'd, then.</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> No, only tell dy Master all I have tell dee -of dy Laty.</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> Why, you little, malicious Strumpet, you, -shou'd you like to be serv'd so?</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Dou dispute den?—Adieu.</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> Hold—But why wilt thou make me such a -Rogue, my Dear?</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Voila un vrai Anglois! Il est amoureux, et -cependant il veut raisonner. Va t'en au Diable.</em></p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> Hold once more: In hopes thou'lt give me -up thy Body, I resign thee my Soul.</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Bon, ecoute donc</em>;——If dou fail me——<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span>I -never see de more——If dou obey me——<em>Je m'abandonne -a toy.</em> [<em>She takes him about the Neck, and gives -him a smacking Kiss.</em>]</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Madamoiselle</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> [<em>Licking his Lips.</em>] Not be a Rogue?——<em>Amor -vincit Omnia.</em></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Rasor</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Fancyfull</span> and <span class="antiqua">Madamoiselle</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Marry, say ye? Will the two Things marry?</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>On le va faire, Madame.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Look you, <em>Madamoiselle</em>—In short, I can't -bear it——No; I find I can't—If once I see 'em a-bed -together, I shall have ten thousand Thoughts in my -Head will make me run distracted. Therefore run and -call <em>Rasor</em> back immediately; for something must be -done to stop this impertinent Wedding. If I can but -defer it four-and-twenty Hours, I'll make such Work -about Town, with that little pert Slut's Reputation, -he shall as soon marry a Witch.</p> - -<p>Madam. [<em>Aside.</em>] <em>La voilà bien intentionnée.</em></p> - -<p class="directright">[Exeunt.</p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em><span class="antiqua">Constant</span>'s Lodgings</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Constant</span> and <span class="antiqua">Heartfree</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> But what dost think will become of this Business?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> 'Tis easier to think what will not come on't.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> What's that?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> A Challenge. I know the Knight too well for -that; his dear Body will always prevail upon his noble -Soul to be quiet.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> But tho' he dare not challenge me, perhaps he -may venture to challenge his Wife.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Not if you whisper him in the Ear, you won't -have him do't; and there's no other way left, that I see. -For as drunk as he was, he'll remember you and I were -where we shou'd not be; and I don't think him quite -Blockhead enough yet to be persuaded we were got into -his Wife's Closet only to peep into her Prayer-Book.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter a Servant with a Letter.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Sir, here's a Letter; a Porter brought it.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> O ho, here's Instructions for us.</p> - -<p><em>Reads:</em></p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p><em>The Accident that has happen'd has touch'd our Invention -to the quick. We wou'd fain come off, without your -help; but find that's impossible. In a Word, the whole -Business must be thrown upon a Matrimonial Intrigue -between your Friend and mine. But if the Parties are -not fond enough to go quite through with the matter, -'tis sufficient for our Turn, they own the Design. -We'll find Pretences enough to break the Match.</em></p> - -<p> -Adieu.<br /> -</p> -</div> - -<p>----Well, Woman for Invention! How long wou'd my -Block-Head have been producing this!—--Hey, <em>Heartfree</em>? -What, musing, Man? Pr'ythee be chearful. What -say'st thou, Friend, to this matrimonial Remedy?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Why, I say, 'tis worse than the Disease.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Here's a Fellow for you! There's Beauty and -Money on her Side, and Love up to the Ears on his: -and yet——</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> And yet, I think, I may reasonably be allow'd -to boggle at marrying the Niece, in the very Moment -that you are debauching the Aunt.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Why, truly, there may be something in that. -But have not you a good Opinion enough of your own -Parts, to believe you cou'd keep a Wife to yourself?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> I shou'd have, if I had a good Opinion enough -of her's, to believe she cou'd do as much by me. For to -do 'em right, after all, the Wife seldom rambles, till -the Husband shews her the way.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> 'Tis true, a Man of real Worth scarce ever is a -Cuckold, but by his own Fault. Women are not naturally -lewd; there must be something to urge 'em to it. -They'll cuckold a Churl, out of Revenge; a Fool, because -they despise him; a Beast, because they loath him. -But when they make bold with a Man they once had a -well-grounded Value for, 'tis because they first see themselves -neglected by him.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Nay, were I well assured that I should never -grow Sir <em>John</em>, I ne'er shou'd fear <em>Belinda</em>, wou'd play -my Lady. But our Weakness, thou knowest, my Friend, -consists in that very Change we so impudently throw -upon (indeed) a steadier and more generous Sex.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Why, 'faith, we are a little impudent in that -matter, that's the truth on't. But this is wonderful, to -see you grown so warm an Advocate for those whom (but -t'other Day) you took so much Pains to abuse.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> All Revolutions run into Extremes; the Bigot -makes the boldest Atheist; and the coyest Saint, the -most extravagant Strumpet. But, pr'ythee, advise me in -this Good and Evil, this Life and Death, this Blessing -and Cursing, that's set before me. Shall I marry, or -die a Maid?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Why, 'faith, <em>Heartfree</em>, Matrimony is like an -Army going to engage. Love's the forlorn Hope, which -is soon cut off; the Marriage-Knot is the main Body, -which may stand buff a long, long time; and Repentance -is the Rear-Guard, which rarely gives ground as -long as the main Body has a Being.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Conclusion, then; you advise me to whore on, -as you do.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> That's not concluded yet. For tho' Marriage -be a Lottery, in which there are a wondrous many -Blanks; yet there is one inestimable Lot, in which the -only Heaven on Earth is written. Wou'd your kind Fate -but guide your Hand to that, tho' I were wrapt in all -that Luxury itself could clothe me with, I still shou'd -envy you.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> And justly, too; for to be capable of loving -one, doubtless, is better than to possess a thousand. But -how far that Capacity's in me, alas! I know not.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> But you wou'd know.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> I wou'd so.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Matrimony will inform you. Come, one Flight -of Resolution carries you to the Land of Experience; -where, in a very moderate time, you'll know the Capacity -of your Soul and your Body both, or I'm mistaken.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Sir <span class="antiqua">John Brute</span>'s House</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lady <span class="antiqua">Brute</span> and <span class="antiqua">Belinda</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Well, Madam, what Answer have you from -'em?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> That they'll be here this Moment. I -fancy 'twill end in a Wedding: I'm sure he's a Fool if -it don't. Ten thousand Pounds, and such a Lass as you -are, is no contemptible Offer to a younger Brother. But -are not you under strange Agitations? Pr'ythee, how -does your Pulse beat?</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> High and low, I have much ado to be valiant: -sure it must feel very strange to go to Bed to a Man?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Um——it does feel a little odd at -first; but it will soon grow easy to you.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Constant</span> and <span class="antiqua">Heartfree</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Good-morrow, Gentlemen: How have -you slept after your Adventure?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Some careful Thoughts, Ladies, on your accounts, -have kept us waking.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> And some careful Thoughts on your own, I believe, -have hindered you from sleeping. Pray how does -this matrimonial Project relish with you?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Why, 'faith, e'en as storming Towns does with -Soldiers, where the Hope of delicious Plunder banishes -the Fear of being knock'd on the Head.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Is it then possible, after all, that you dare think -of downright lawful Wedlock?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Madam, you have made me so fool-hardy, I -dare do any thing.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Then, Sir, I challenge you; and Matrimony's -the Spot where I expect you.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> 'Tis enough; I'll not fail. [<em>Aside.</em>] So, now, -I am in for <em>Hobbes</em>'s Voyage; a great Leap in the Dark.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Well, Gentlemen, this Matter being concluded -then, have you got your Lessons ready? for Sir -<em>John</em> is grown such an Atheist of late, he'll believe nothing -upon easy Terms.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> We'll find ways to extend his Faith, Madam. -But pray how do you find him this Morning?</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Most lamentably morose, chewing the Cud -after last Night's Discovery, of which, however, he had -but a confus'd Notion e'en now. But I'm afraid the Valet -de Chambre has told him all; for they are very busy -together at this Moment. When I told him of <em>Belinda</em>'s -Marriage, I had no other Answer but a Grunt: From -which, you may draw what Conclusions you think fit. -But to your Notes, Gentlemen, he's here.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span> and <span class="antiqua">Rasor</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Good-morrow, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Good-morrow, Sir <em>John</em>; I'm very sorry my -Indiscretion shou'd cause so much Disorder in your Family.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Disorders generally come from Indiscretion, -Sir; 'tis no strange thing at all.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> I hope, my Dear, you are satisfied there -was no wrong intended you.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> None, my Dove.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> If not, I hope my Consent to marry Mr. <em>Heartfree</em> -will convince you. For as little as I know of Amours, -Sir, I can assure you, one Intrigue is enough to -bring four People together, without further Mischief.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> And I know too, that Intrigues tend to Procreation -of more kinds than one. One Intrigue will beget -another, as soon as beget a Son or a Daughter.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> I am very sorry, Sir, to see you still seem unsatisfy'd -with a Lady, whose more than common Virtue, -I am sure were she my Wife, shou'd meet a better Usage.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir, if her Conduct has put a Trick upon -her Virtue, her Virtue's the Bubble, but her Husband's -the Loser.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Sir, you have receiv'd a sufficient Answer already, -to justify both her Conduct and mine. You'll -pardon me for meddling in your Family-affairs; but I -perceive I am the Man you are jealous of, and therefore -it concerns me.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Wou'd it did not concern me, and then I -shou'd not care who it concern'd.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Well, Sir, if Truth and Reason won't content -you, I know but one way more, which, if you think fit, -you may take.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Lord, Sir, you are very hasty! If I had been -found at Prayers in your Wife's Closet, I should have allow'd -you twice as much time to come to yourself in.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Nay, Sir, if Time be all you want, we have -no Quarrel.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> I told you how the Sword wou'd work upon -him.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span> muses.</em></p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Let him muse; however, I'll lay fifty Pound -our Foreman brings us in, Not Guilty.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] 'Tis well——'tis very well——In -spite of that young Jade's matrimonial Intrigue, I am -a downright stinking Cuckold——Here they are——Boo——[<em>Putting -his hand to his Forehead.</em>] Methinks, -I could butt with a Bull. What the Plague did I marry -her for? I knew she did not like me; if she had, she -wou'd have lain with me; for I wou'd have done so, because -I lik'd her; but that's past, and I have her. And -now, what shall I do with her?——If I put my Horns -into my Pocket, she'll grow insolent——if I don't, that -Goat there, that Stallion, is ready to whip me thro' the -Guts.—The Debate then is reduced to this: Shall I die -a Hero, or live a Rascal?——Why, wiser Men than I -have long since concluded, that a living Dog is better -than a dead Lion.——[<em>To <span class="antiqua">Const.</span> and <span class="antiqua">Heart.</span></em>] Gentlemen, -now my Wine and my Passion are governable, I -must own, I have never observ'd any Thing in my Wife's -Course of Life, to back me in my Jealousy of her: But -Jealousy's a Mark of Love; so she need not trouble her -Head about it, as long as I make no more Words on't.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Lady <span class="antiqua">Fancyfull</span> enters disguis'd, and addresses to <span class="antiqua">Belinda</span> -apart.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> I'm glad to see your Reason rule at last. Give me -your Hand: I hope you'll look upon me as you are wont.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Your humble Servant. [<em>Aside.</em>] A wheedling -Son of a Whore!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> And that I may be sure you are Friends with -me, too, pray give me your Consent to wed your Niece.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir, you have it with all my Heart: Damn -me if you han't. [<em>Aside.</em>] 'Tis time to get rid of her: A -young, pert Pimp; she'll make an incomparable Bawd -in a little time.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter a Servant, who gives <span class="antiqua">Heartfree</span> a Letter.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> <em>Heartfree</em> your Husband, say you? 'Tis impossible.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Wou'd to kind Heaven it were! But 'tis -too true; and in the World there lives not such a -Wretch. I'm young; and either I have been flatter'd -by my Friends, as well as Glass, or Nature has been kind -and generous to me. I had a Fortune, too, was greater -far than he could ever hope for; but with my Heart I -am robb'd of all the rest. I am slighted and I'm beggar'd -both at once: I have scarce a bare Subsistence from -the Villain, yet dare complain to none; for he has sworn -if e'er 'tis known I'm his Wife, he'll murder me.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Weeping.</em></p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> The Traitor!</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> I accidentally was told he courted you: -Charity soon prevail'd upon me to prevent your Misery: -And, as you see, I'm still so generous even to him, as -not to suffer he should do a thing for which the Law -might take away his Life.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Weeping.</em></p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Poor Creature! how I pity her!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>They continue talking aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Death and Damnation!—--Let me -read it again. [Reads.] <em>Tho' I have a particular reason -not to let you know who I am till I see you; yet you'll easily -believe 'tis a faithful Friend that gives you this Advice. -I have lain with <span class="antiqua">Belinda (Good!)</span>—I have a Child by -her <span class="antiqua">(Better and better!)</span> which is now at Nurse; <span class="antiqua">(Heaven -be prais'd)</span> and I think the Foundation laid for another: -<span class="antiqua">(Ha!—Old Truepenny!)</span>—No Rack cou'd have -tortur'd this Story from me; but Friendship has done it. I -heard of your Design to marry her, and cou'd not see you -abus'd. Make use of my Advice, but keep my Secret till I -ask you for't again. Adieu.</em></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Lady <span class="antiqua">Fancyfull</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Bel</span>.</em>] Come, Madam, shall we send for the -Parson? I doubt here's no Business for the Lawyer: -Younger Brothers have nothing to settle but their -Hearts, and that I believe my Friend here has already -done very faithfully.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> [<em>Scornfully.</em>] Are you sure, Sir, there are no -old Mortgages upon it?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> [<em>Coldly.</em>] If you think there are, Madam, it -mayn't be amiss to defer the Marriage till you are sure -they are paid off.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] How the gall'd Horse kicks!</p> - -<p>[<em>To</em> Heart.] We'll defer it as long as you please, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> The more time we take to consider on't, Madam, -the less apt we shall be to commit Oversights; -therefore, if you please, we will put it off for just nine -Months.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Guilty Consciences make Men Cowards; I don't -wonder you want time to resolve.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> And they make Women desperate; I don't -wonder you are so quickly determin'd.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> What does the Fellow mean?</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> What does the Lady mean?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Zoons, what do you both mean?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Heart.</span> and <span class="antiqua">Bel.</span> walk chasing about.</em></p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Here is so much Sport going to be -spoil'd, it makes me ready to weep again. A Pox o' this -impertinent Lady <em>Fancyfull</em>, and her Plots, and her <em>French-woman</em> -too; she's a whimsical, ill-natur'd Bitch, and -when I have got my Bones broke in her Service, 'tis ten -to one but my Recompence is a Clap; I hear them tittering -without still. I'cod, I'll e'en go lug them both in -by the Ears, and discover the Plot, to secure my Pardon.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Rasor</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> Pr'ythee, explain, <em>Heartfree</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> A fair Deliverance; thank my Stars and my -Friend.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> 'Tis well it went no farther; a base Fellow!</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> What can be the meaning of all this?</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> What's his Meaning, I don't know; but mine is, -that if I had married him——I had had no Husband.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> And what's her Meaning I don't know; but -mine is, that if I had married her—I had had Wife enough.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Your People of Wit have got such cramp -ways of expressing themselves, they seldom comprehend -one another. Pox take you both, will you speak that -you may be understood!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Rasor</span> in Sackcloth, pulling in <span class="antiqua">Lady Fancyfull</span> -and <span class="antiqua">Madamoiselle</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> If they won't, here comes an Interpreter.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Heavens! what have we here?</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> A Villain——but a repenting Villain. Stuff -which Saints in all Ages have been made of.</p> - -<p><em>All.</em> Rasor!</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> What means this sudden Metamorphose?</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> Nothing, without my Pardon.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> What Pardon do you want?</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> <em>Imprimis</em>, Your Ladyship's; for a damnable -Lie made upon your spotless Virtue, and set to the Tune -of <em>Spring-Garden</em>. [<em>To Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em>] Next, at my generous -Master's Feet I bend, for interrupting his more noble -Thoughts with Phantoms of disgraceful Cuckoldom. [<em>To -<span class="antiqua">Const</span>.</em>] Thirdly, I to this Gentleman apply, for making -him the Hero of my Romance. [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Heart</span>.</em>] Fourthly, -your Pardon, noble Sir, I ask, for clandestinely marrying -you, without either bidding of Banns, Bishop's Licence, -Friends Consent——or your own Knowledge. [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Bel</span>.</em>] -And, lastly, to my good young Lady's Clemency I -come, for pretending the Corn was sow'd in the Ground, -before ever the Plough had been in the Field.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] So that, after all, 'tis a moot point, -whether I am a Cuckold or not.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Well, Sir, upon Condition you confess all, I'll -pardon you myself, and try to obtain as much from the -rest of the Company. But I must know, then, who 'tis -has put you upon all this Mischief?</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> Satan, and his Equipage; Woman tempted me, -Lust weakened me——and so the Devil over-came me; -as fell <em>Adam</em>, so fell I.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Then pray, Mr. <em>Adam</em>, will you make us acquainted -with your <em>Eve</em>?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Madam</span>.</em>] Unmask, for the Honour of <em>France</em>.</p> - -<p><em>All.</em> Madamoiselle!</p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> Me ask ten tousand Pardon of all de good -Company.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Why, this Mystery thickens, instead of clearing -up. [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Rasor</span>.</em>] You Son of a Whore, you, put us -out of our Pain.</p> - -<p><em>Rasor.</em> One Moment brings Sunshine. [<em>Shewing <span class="antiqua">Madam</span>.</em>] -'Tis true, this is the Woman that tempted me, -but this is the Serpent that tempted the Woman; and if -my Prayers might be heard, her Punishment for so doing -shou'd be like the Serpent's of old—[<em>Pulls off Lady -<span class="antiqua">Fancyfull</span>'s Mask.</em>] She should lie upon her Face all the -Days of her Life.</p> - -<p><em>All.</em> Lady <em>Fancyfull</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Impertinent!</p> - -<p><em>Lady Brute.</em> Ridiculous!</p> - -<p><em>All.</em> Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> I hope your Ladyship will give me leave to wish -you Joy, since you have own'd your Marriage yourself—[<em>To -<span class="antiqua">Heart</span>.</em>] I vow 'twas strangely wicked in you to -think of another Wife, when you had one already so -charming as her Ladyship.</p> - -<p><em>All.</em> Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Confusion seize 'em, as it seizes me!</p> - -<p>Madam. <em>Que le Diable e toute ce Mauraut de <span class="antiqua">Rasor</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Your Ladyship seems disorder'd: A breeding -Qualm, perhaps, Mr. <em>Heartfree</em>: Your Bottle of Hungary -Water to your Lady. Why, Madam, he stands as -unconcern'd, as if he were your Husband in earnest.</p> - -<p><em>Lady Fan.</em> Your Mirth's as nauseous as yourself. <em>Belinda</em>, -you think you triumph over a Rival now: <em>Helas! -ma pauvre fille.</em> Where'er I'm Rival, there's no Cause -for Mirth. No, my poor Wretch, 'tis from another Principle -I have acted. I knew that Thing there wou'd make -so perverse a Husband, and you so impertinent a Wife, -that left your mutual Plagues should make you both run -mad, I charitably would have broke the Match. He! -he! he! he! he!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit, laughing affectedly, <span class="antiqua">Madamoiselle</span> following her.</em></p> - -<p><em>Madam.</em> He! he! he! he! he!</p> - -<p><em>All.</em> Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Why, now, this Woman will be -married to somebody, too.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Poor Creature! what a Passion she's in! But I -forgive her.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Since you have so much Goodness for her, I -hope you'll pardon my Offence, too, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> There will be no great Difficulty in that, since -I am guilty of an equal Fault.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Then Pardons being past on all sides, pray -let's to Church to conclude the Day's Work.</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> But before you go, let me treat you, pray, with -a Song a new-married Lady made within this Week; -it may be of use to you both.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i10">SONG.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i18">I.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em><span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">W</span>hen</span> yielding first to <span class="antiqua">Damon's</span> Flame,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>I sunk into his Arms;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He swore he'd ever be the same,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Then rifled all my Charms.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But fond of what he'd long desir'd,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Too greedy of his Prey,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>My Shepherd's Flame, alas! expir'd</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Before the Verge of Day.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i18">II.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>My Innocence in Lovers Wars</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Reproach'd his quick Defeat;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Confus'd, asham'd, and bath'd in Tears,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>I mourn'd his cold Retreat.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>At length, Ah Shepherdess! cry'd he,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Wou'd you my Fire renew,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Alas, you must retreat like me,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>I'm lost if you pursue.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span></p> -<p><em>Heart.</em> So, Madam; now had the Parson but done his -Business——</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> You'd be half weary of your Bargain.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> No, sure, I might dispense with one Night's -Lodging.</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> I'm ready to try, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Heart.</em> Then let's to Church: -And if it be our Chance to disagree——</p> - -<p><em>Bel.</em> Take heed—the surly Husband's Fate you see.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt omnes.</em></p> -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/wingding-220.jpg" width="700" height="629" alt="" /> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-221.jpg" width="700" height="71" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="EPILOGUE3" id="EPILOGUE3">EPILOGUE,</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter">By Another Hand.</p> - -<p class="directcenter">Spoken by Lady <span class="smcap">Brute</span> and <span class="smcap">Belinda</span>. -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Lady Brute. <em><span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">N</span>o</span> Epilogue</em>!<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Belinda.</em> <em>I swear I know of none.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i10"><em>Lord! How shall we excuse it to the Town?</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Bel.</em> <em>Why, we must e'en say something of our own.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Lady Brute. <em>Our own! Ay, that must needs be precious stuff.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Bel.</em> <em>I'll lay my Life, they'll like it well enough.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i10"><em>Come, faith, begin——</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Lady Brute. <em>Excuse me, after you.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Bel.</em> <em>Nay, pardon me for that, I know my Cue.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Lady Brute. <em>O for the World, I would not have Precedence.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Bel.</em> <em>O Lord!</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Lady Brute. <em>I swear——</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Bel.</em> <em>O fye!</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Lady Brute. <em>I'm all Obedience.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><em>First then, know all, before our Doom is fixt,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><em>The Third Day is for us——</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Bel.</em> <em>Nay, and the Sixth.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Lady Brute. <em>We speak not from the Poet now, nor is it</em><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><em>His Cause—(I want a Rhyme)</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Bel.</em> <em>That we sollicit.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Lady Brute. <em>Then sure you cannot have the Hearts to be severe</em><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><em>And damn us——</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Bel.</em> <em>Damn us! Let 'em if they dare.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Lady Brute. <em>Why, if they should, what Punishment remains?</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Bel.</em> <em>Eternal Exile from behind our Scenes.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Lady Brute. <em>But if they're kind, that Sentence we'll recal.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><em>We can be grateful——</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Bel.</em> <em>And have wherewithal.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Lady Brute. <em>But at Grand <span class="antiqua">Treaties</span> hope not to be trusted,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><em>Before <span class="antiqua">Preliminaries</span> are adjusted.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Bel.</em> <em>You know the Time, and we appoint the Place;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><em>Where, if you please, we'll meet and sign the Peace.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span></p> -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-222.jpg" width="700" height="80" alt="" /> -</div> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>Upon the revival of this Play in 1725, Sir -<em>John Vanbrugh</em> thought proper to write the -two following Scenes, in the room of those -printed Page 166,-168, 173, <em>&c. &c.</em></p></div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_IV" id="ACT_IV"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> IV.</a></h3> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Covent-Garden</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Lord <span class="antiqua">Rake</span>, Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span>, &c. with Swords drawn.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">I</span>s</span> the Dog dead?</p> - -<p><em>Col. Bully.</em> No, damn him, I heard him -wheeze.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> How the Witch his Wife howl'd?</p> - -<p><em>Col. Bully.</em> Aye, she'll alarm the Watch presently.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> Appear, Knight, then: Come, you have -a good Cause to fight for, there's a Man murder'd.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Is there? Then let his Ghost be satisfy'd: -for I'll sacrifice a Constable to it presently, and burn -his Body upon his wooden Chair.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter a Taylor, with a Bundle under his Arm.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Col. Bully.</em> How now! what have we got here? A -Thief?</p> - -<p><em>Taylor.</em> No an't please you, I'm no Thief.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> That we'll see presently: Here! let the -General examine him.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Ay, ay, let me examine him; and I'll lay -a hundred Pound I find him guilty in spite of his Teeth——for -he looks—like a——sneaking Rascal. Come, -Sirrah, without Equivocation or mental Reservation,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span> -tell me of what Opinion you are, and what Calling; -for by them——I shall guess at your Morals.</p> - -<p><em>Taylor.</em> An't please you, I'm a Dissenting Journeyman -Woman's Taylor.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Then, Sirrah, you love Lying by your -Religion, and Theft by your Trade: And so, that your -Punishment may be suitable to your Crimes——I'll -have you first gagg'd——and then hang'd.</p> - -<p><em>Tayl.</em> Pray, good worthy Gentlemen, don't abuse -me: Indeed I'm an honest Man, and a good Workman, -tho' I say it, that shou'd not say it.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> No Words, Sirrah, but attend your Fate.</p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> Let me see what's in that Bundle.</p> - -<p><em>Tayl.</em> An't please you, it's my Lady's short Cloak and -Sack.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> What Lady, you Reptile, you?</p> - -<p><em>Tayl.</em> My Lady <em>Brute</em>, an't please your Honour.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> My Lady <em>Brute</em>! my Wife! the Robe of -my Wife—with Reverence let me approach it. The -dear Angel is always taking Care of me in Danger, and -has sent me this Suit of Armour to protect me in this -Day of Battle; on they go.</p> - -<p><em>All.</em> O brave Knight!</p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> Live <em>Don Quixote</em> the Second!</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> <em>Sancho</em>, my 'Squire, help me on with my -Armour.</p> - -<p><em>Tayl.</em> O dear Gentlemen! I shall be quite undone if -you take the Sack.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Retire, Sirrah! and since you carry off your -Skin, go home and be happy.</p> - -<p><em>Tayl.</em> I think I'd e'en as good follow the Gentleman's -Advice, for if I dispute any longer, who knows but the -whim may take 'em to case me—These Courtiers are -fuller of Tricks than they are of Money: they'll sooner -break a Man's Bones, than pay his Bill.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Tayl</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> So! how d'ye like my shapes now?</p> - -<p><em>Lord Rake.</em> To a Miracle! He looks like a Queen -of the <em>Amazons</em>—But to your Arms! Gentlemen! The -Enemy's upon their March—here's the Watch—</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> 'Oons! if it were <em>Alexander</em> the Great, at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span> -the Head of his Army, I would drive him into a Horse-Pond.</p> - -<p><em>All.</em> Huzza! O brave Knight!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Watchmen.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> See! Here he comes, with all his <em>Greeks</em> -about him—Follow me, Boys.</p> - -<p><em>Watch.</em> Hey-dey! Who have we got here?—Stand.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> May-hap not!</p> - -<p><em>Watch.</em> What are you all doing here in the Streets at -this time o'night? And who are you, Madam, that seem -to be at the Head of this noble Crew?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sirrah, I am <em>Bonduca</em>, Queen of the -<em>Welchmen</em>; and with a Leek as long as my Pedigree, -I will destroy your <em>Roman</em> Legion in an Instant—<em>Britons</em>, -strike home.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>They fight off. <span class="antiqua">Watch.</span> return with Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Watch.</em> So! We have got the Queen, however! -We'll make her pay well for her Ransom—Come, Madam, -will your Majesty please to walk before the Constable?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> The Constable's a Rascal! And you are -a Son of a Whore!</p> - -<p><em>Watch.</em> A most noble Reply, truly! If this be her -royal Style, I'll warrant her Maids of Honour prattle -prettily: But we'll teach you some of our Court Dialect -before we part with you, Princess—Away with her to -the Round-house.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Hands off, you Ruffians! My Honour's dearer -to me than my Life; I hope you won't be uncivil.</p> - -<p><em>Watch.</em> Away with her.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>A Street</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Constable and Watchmen, with Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Constab.</em> Come, forsooth, come along, if you please! -I once in Compassion thought to have seen -you safe home this Morning: But you have been so ram<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span>pant -and abusive all Night, I shall see what the Justice -of Peace will say to you.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> And you shall see what I'll say to the Justice -of Peace.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Watchman</span> knocks at the Door.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Constab.</em> Is Mr. Justice at home?</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Yes.</p> - -<p><em>Constab.</em> Pray acquaint his Worship we have got an -unruly Woman here, and desire to know what he'll -please to have done with her.</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> I'll acquaint my Master.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Serv.</em></p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Hark you, Constable, what cuckoldly Justice -is this?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> One that knows how to deal with such Romps -as you are, I'll warrant you.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Justice.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Well, Mr. Constable, what is the matter there?</p> - -<p><em>Const.</em> An't please your Worship, this here comical -sort of a Gentlewoman has committed great Outrages -to-night. She has been frolicking with my Lord <em>Rake</em> -and his Gang; they attacked the Watch, and I hear -there has been a Man kill'd: I believe 'tis they have -done it.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir, there may have been Murder, for aught -I know; and 'tis a great Mercy there has not been a -Rape too—that Fellow wou'd have ravish'd me.</p> - -<p><em>2d Watch.</em> Ravish! Ravish! O lud! O lud! O lud! -Ravish her! Why, please your Worship, I heard Mr. -Constable say he believed she was little better than a -Maphrodite.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Why, truly, she does seem a little masculine -about the Mouth.</p> - -<p><em>2d Watch.</em> Yes, and about the Hands too, an't please -your Worship; I did but offer in mere civility to help -her up the Steps into our Apartment, and with her gripen -Fist—ay, just so, Sir.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span> knocks him down.</em></p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> I fell'd him to the Ground like an Ox.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Out upon this boisterous Woman! Out upon -her.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Mr. Justice, he wou'd have been uncivil! It -was in Defence of my Honour, and I demand Satisfaction.</p> - -<p><em>2d Watch.</em> I hope your Worship will satisfy her Honour -in Bridewell; that Fist of hers will make an admirable -Hemp-beater.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir, I hope you will protect me against -that libidinous Rascal; I am a Woman of Quality and -Virtue too, for all I am in an Undress this Morning.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Why, she has really the Air of a Sort of a Woman -a little something out of the common——Madam, -if you expect I shou'd be favourable to you, I desire I -may know who you are.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir, I am any body, at your Service.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Lady, I desire to know your Name?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir, my Name's <em>Mary</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Ay, but your Sur-name, Madam?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir, my Sur-name's the very same with my -Husband's.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> A strange Woman this! Who is your Husband, -pray?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir <em>John</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Sir <em>John</em> who?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir <em>John Brute</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Is it possible, Madam, you can be my Lady -<em>Brute</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> That happy Woman, Sir, am I; only a -little in my Merriment to-night.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> I am concern'd for Sir <em>John</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Truly, so am I.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> I have heard he's an honest Gentleman——</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> As ever drank.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Good lack! Indeed, Lady, I'm sorry he has -such a Wife.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> I am sorry he has any Wife at all.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> And so perhaps may he——I doubt you have -not given him a very good Taste of Matrimony.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Taste, Sir! Sir, I have scorn'd to stint him -to a Taste, I have given him a full Meal of it.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Indeed I believe so! But pray, fair Lady, may<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span> -he have given you any Occasion for this extraordinary -Conduct?—Does he not use you well?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> A little upon the rough sometimes.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Ay, any Man may be out of Humour now and -then.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir, I love Peace and Quiet, and when a -Woman don't find that at home, she's apt sometimes to -comfort herself with a few innocent Diversions abroad.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> I doubt he uses you but too well. Pray how -does he as to that weighty thing, Money? Does he allow -you what is proper of that?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir, I have generally enough to pay the -reckoning, if this Son of a Whore of a Drawer wou'd -but bring his Bill.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> A strange Woman this—Does he spend a reasonable -Portion of his time at home, to the Comfort of -his Wife and Children?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> He never gave his Wife cause to repine at -his being abroad in his Life.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Pray, Madam, how may he be in the grand -matrimonial Point——Is he true to your Bed?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Chaste! Oons! This Fellow asks so many -impertinent Questions! I'gad, I believe it is the Justice's -Wife in the Justice's Clothes.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> 'Tis a great pity he should have been thus disposed -of—Pray, Madam, (and then I've done) what -may be your Ladyship's common Method of Life, if -I may presume so far?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Why, Sir, much that of a Woman of -Quality.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Pray how may you generally pass your time, -Madam? Your Morning, for example.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir, like a Woman of Quality——I wake -about two o'Clock in the Afternoon——I stretch—and -make a sign for my Chocolate——When I have drank -three Cups—I slide down again upon my Back, with -my Arms over my Head, while my two Maids put on -my Stockings——Then hanging upon their Shoulders, -I am trail'd to my great Chair, where I sit——and yawn——for -my Breakfast——If it don't come presently, I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span> -lie down upon my Couch to say my Prayers, while my -Maid reads me the Play-bills.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Very well, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> When the Tea is brought in, I drink -twelve regular Dishes, with eight Slices of Bread and -Butter——And half an Hour after, I send to the Cook -to know if the Dinner is almost ready.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> So! Madam!</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> By that time my Head is half drest, I hear -my Husband swearing himself into a State of Perdition, -that the Meat's all cold upon the Table; to amend -which, I come down in an Hour more, and have it -sent back to the Kitchen, to be all drest over again.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Poor Man!</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> When I have din'd, and my idle Servants -are presumptuously set down at their Ease, to do so too, -I call for my Coach, to go visit fifty dear Friends, of -whom I hope I shall never find one at home, while I -shall live.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> So! There's the Morning and Afternoon pretty -well dispos'd of—Pray, Madam, how do you pass your -Evenings?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Like a Woman of Spirit, Sir, a great Spirit. -Give me a Box and Dice—Seven's the main, Oons! Sir, -I set you a hundred Pound! Why, do you think Women -are married now-a-Days, to sit at home and mend -Napkins? Sir, we have nobler ways of passing time.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Mercy upon us, Mr. Constable, what will this -Age come to?</p> - -<p><em>Constab.</em> What will it come to, indeed, if such Women -as these are not set in the Stocks?</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir, I have a little urgent Business calls upon -me; and therefore I desire the Favour of you to bring -Matters to a Conclusion.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Madam, if I were sure that Business were not to -commit more Disorders, I wou'd release you.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> None——by my virtue.</p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> Then, Mr. Constable, you may discharge her.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Sir, your very humble Servant. If you -please to accept of a Bottle——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Just.</em> I thank you, kindly, Madam; but I never -drink in a Morning. Good by t'ye.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Good-by-t'ye, good Sir.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Justice.</em></p> - -<p>So——now, Mr. Constable, shall you and I go pick up -a Whore together?</p> - -<p><em>Constab.</em> No, thank you, Madam; my Wife's enough -to satisfy any reasonable Man.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] He, he, he, he, he——the Fool is -married, then. Well, you won't go?</p> - -<p><em>Constab.</em> Not I, truly.</p> - -<p><em>Sir John.</em> Then I'll go by myself; and you and your -Wife may be damn'd.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Sir <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Constable.</em> <em>gazing after her.</em>] Why, God-a-mercy, Lady.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/wingding-229.jpg" width="700" height="448" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a><br /><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-231.jpg" width="700" height="64" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h2><a name="ESOP4" id="ESOP4"><em>ESOP</em>:</a><br /> - -A<br /> - -COMEDY.</h2> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-231.jpg" width="700" height="64" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a><br /><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-233.jpg" width="700" height="74" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="PREFACE4" id="PREFACE4">PREFACE.</a></h3> - - -<p class="drop-capw"><span class="smcap">To</span> speak for a Play, if it cannot speak for -itself, is vain; and if it can, it is needless. -For one of these Reasons (I cannot yet tell which, -for it is now but the second Day of acting) I resolve -to say nothing for <em>Esop</em>, though I know he -would be glad of Help; for let the best happen that -can, his Journey is up Hill, with a dead <em>English</em> -Weight at the Tail of him.</p> - -<p>At <em>Paris</em>, indeed, he scrambled up something faster -(for it was up Hill there, too) than I am afraid he -will do here: The <em>French</em> having more Mercury -in their Heads, and less Beef and Pudding in their -Bellies. Our Solidity may set hard, what their -Folly makes easy; for Fools I own they are, you -know we have found them so in the Conduct of the -War; I wish we may do so in the Management of -the Peace; but that is neither <em>Esop</em>'s Business nor -mine.</p> - -<p>This Play, Gentlemen (or one not much unlike -it), was writ in <em>French</em> about six Years since by one -Monsieur <em>Boursaut</em>; it was play'd at <em>Paris</em> by the -<em>French</em> Comedians, and this was its Fate.</p> - -<p>The first Day it appeared, it was routed (People -seldom being fond of what they do not understand, -their own sweet Persons excepted). The second -(by the help of some bold Knights-Errant) it rallied; -the third it advanced; the fourth it gave a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span> -vigorous Attack; and the fifth put all the Feathers -in Town to the scamper, pursuing them on to the -fourteenth, and then they cried out Quarter.</p> - -<p>It is not reasonable to expect <em>Esop</em> should gain so -great a Victory here, since it is possible, by fooling -with his Sword, I may have turned the Edge on't. -For I confess in the Translation I have not at all -stuck to the Original; nay, I have gone farther: I -have wholly added the fifth Act, and crouded a -Country Gentleman into the fourth; for which I -ask Monsieur <em>Boursaut</em>'s Pardon with all my Heart, -but doubt I never shall obtain it for bringing him -into such Company. Though, after all, had I been -so complaisant to have waited on his Play Word -for Word, it is possible, even that might not have -ensured the Success of it; for though it swam in -<em>France</em>, it might have sunk in <em>England</em>. Their -Country abounds in Cork, ours in Lead.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/wingding-234.jpg" width="700" height="640" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-235.jpg" width="700" height="69" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="PROLOGUE4" id="PROLOGUE4">PROLOGUE.</a></h3> - - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em><span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">G</span>allants</span>, we never yet produc'd a Play</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With greater Fears than this we act to-day;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Barren of all the Graces of the Stage,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Barren of all that entertains this Age.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>No Hero, no Romance, no Plot, no Shew,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>No Rape, no Bawdy, no Intrigue, no Beau:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>There's nothing in't with which we use to please ye;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With downright dull Instruction w'are to tease ye;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Stage turns Pulpit, and the World's so fickle,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Play-House in a Whim turns Conventicle.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But Preaching here must prove a hungry Trade;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Patentees will find so, I'm afraid:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For tho' with heavenly Zeal you all abound,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>As by your Lives and Morals may be found;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Tho' every Female here o'erflows with Grace,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And chaste <span class="antiqua">Diana</span>'s written in her Face;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Tho' Maids renounce the Sweets of Fornication,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And one lewd Wife's not left in all the Nation;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Tho' Men grow true, and the foul Fiend defy;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Tho' Tradesmen cheat no more, nor Lawyers lye;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Tho' not one Spot be found on <span class="antiqua">Levi</span>'s Tribe,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Nor one soft Courtier that will touch a Bribe;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Yet in the midst of such religious Days,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Sermons have never borne the Price of Plays.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="Dramatis_Personae4" id="Dramatis_Personae4">Dramatis Personæ.</a></h3> - - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Dramatis Personæ"> - <tr> - <th colspan="2">MEN.</th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Esop</em>,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Cibber</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Learchus</em>, Governor of <em>Sysicus</em>,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Dogget</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Oronces</em>, in love with <em>Euphronia</em>,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Harland</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <th colspan="2">WOMEN.</th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Euphronia</em>, Daughter to <em>Learchus</em>, in love with <em>Oronces</em>,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Temple</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Doris</em>, her Nurse,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Verbruggen</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2" class="tdc">People who come to <em>Esop</em>, upon several Occasions, - independent one of another.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td rowspan="2" class="br">Two Country Tradesmen, </td> - <td>Mr. <em>Pinkethman</em> and</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mr. <em>Smeton</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Roger</em>, a Country Bumpkin,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Haynes</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Quaint</em>, a Herald,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Pinkethman</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Fruitful</em>, an Inn-keeper,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Smeton</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Country Gentleman,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Pinkethman</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Priest, Musicians, &c.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Hortensia</em>, an affected learned Lady,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Kent</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Aminta</em>, a lewd Mother,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Willis</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Forge-Will</em>, a Scrivener's Widow,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Finch</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><em>Fruitful</em>, Wife to the Inn-keeper,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Powell</em>.</td> - </tr> -</table></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span> -<img src="images/bar-237a.jpg" width="700" height="76" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p class="ph2"><em>ESOP.</em> -</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-237b.jpg" width="700" height="37" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_I_SCENE_I4" id="ACT_I_SCENE_I4"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> I. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - -<p class="directcenter"><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, Learchus's <em>House</em>. -</p> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Learchus</span>, <span class="antiqua">Euphronia</span>, and <span class="antiqua">Doris</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">A</span>t</span> length I am blest with the sight of the -World's Wonder, the Delight of Mankind, -the incomparable <em>Esop</em>. You had time to observe him -last Night, Daughter, as he sat at Supper with me. -Tell me how you like him, Child; is he not a charming -Person?</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Charming!</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> What say'st thou to him, <em>Doris</em>? Thou art a -good Judge, a Wench of a nice Palate.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> You wou'd not have me flatter, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> No, speak thy Thoughts boldly.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Boldly, you say?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Boldly, I say.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Why, then, Sir, my Opinion of the Gentleman -is, that he's uglier than an old Beau.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> How! Impudence.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Nay, if you are angry, Sir, second Thoughts are<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span> -best; he's as proper as a Pikeman, holds up his Head -like a Dancing-Master, has the Shape of a Barb, the -Face of an Angel, the Voice of a Cherubim, the Smell -of a Civet-Cat——</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> In short, thou art Fool enough not to be pleas'd -with him.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Excuse me for that, Sir; I have Wit enough to -make myself merry with him——</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> If his Body's deform'd, his Soul is beautiful: -Would to kind Heaven, as he is, my Daughter cou'd -but find the means to please him!</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> To what End, dear Father?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> That he might be your Husband, dear Daughter.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> My Husband! Shield me, kind Heaven——</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Psha! he has a mind to make us laugh, that's -all.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> <em>Esop</em>, then, is not worth her Care, in thy Opinion?</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Why, truly, Sir, I'm always for making suitable -Matches, and don't much approve of breeding Monsters. -I wou'd have nothing marry a Baboon, but what has -been got by a Monkey.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> How dar'st thou liken so incomparable a Man -to so contemptible a Beast?</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em>. Ah, the Inconstancy of this World! Out of -sight, out f Mind. Your little Monkey is scarce cold -in his Grave, and you have already forgot what you -us'd so much to admire: Do but call him to remembrance, -Sir, in his red Coat, new Gloves, little Hat, -and clean Linen; then discharge your Conscience, utter -the Truth from your Heart, and tell us whether he was -not the prettier Gentleman of the two—By my Virginity, -Sir, (tho' that's but a slippery Oath, you'll say) -had they made love to me together, <em>Esop</em> should have -worn the Willow.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Since nothing but an Animal will please thee, -'tis pity my Monkey had not that Virginity thou hast -sworn by. But I, whom Wisdom charms even in the -homeliest Dress, can never think the much-deserving -<em>Esop</em> unworthy of my Daughter.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Now, in the Name of Wonder, what is't you -so admire in him?</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Lear.</em> Hark, and thou shalt know; but you, <em>Euphronia</em>,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Be you more especially attentive.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">'Tis true he's plain; but that's, my Girl, a Trifle.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">All manly Beauty's seated in the Soul;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And that of <em>Esop</em>, Envy's self must own,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Outshines whate'er the World has yet produc'd.<br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Crœsus</em>, the prosperous Favourite of Heaven;<br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Crœsus</em>, the happiest Potentate on Earth;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Whose Treasure (tho' immense) is the least Part<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Of what he holds from Providence's Care,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Leans on his Shoulder as his grand Support,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Admires his Wisdom, doats upon his Truth,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And makes him Pilot to Imperial Sway.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But in this elevated Post of Power,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">What's his Employ? Where does he point his Thoughts?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To live in Splendour, Luxury, and Ease,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Do endless Mischiefs, by neglecting Good,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And build his Family on other's Ruins?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">No:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He serves the Prince, and serves the People too;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Is useful to the Rich, and helps the Poor;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">There's nothing stands neglected, but himself.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With constant Pain, and yet with constant Joy,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">From Place to Place throughout the Realm he goes,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With useful Lessons, form'd to every Rank:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The People learn Obedience from his Tongue,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The Magistrate is guided in Command,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The Prince is minded of a Father's Care,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The Subjects taught the Duty of a Child.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And as 'tis dangerous to be bold with Truth,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He often calls for Fable to his Aid,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Where, under abject Names of Beasts and Birds,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Virtue shines out, and Vice is cloath'd in Shame.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And thus, by inoffensive Wisdom's Force,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He conquers Folly wheresoe'er he moves:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">This is his Portrait.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> A very good Picture of a very ill Face!</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Well, Daughter; what, not a Word? Is it pos<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span>sible -any thing that I am Father of can be untouch'd -with so much Merit?</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> My Duty may make all things possible: But -<em>Esop</em> is so ugly, Sir—</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> His Soul has so much Beauty in't, your Reason -ought to blind your Eyes: Besides, my Interest is concern'd; -his Power alarms me. I know throughout the -Kingdom he's the Scourge of evil Magistrates, turns out -Governors when they turn Tyrants; breaks Officers for -false Musters; excludes Judges from giving Sentence, -when they have been absent during the Trial; hangs -Lawyers when they take Fees on both Sides; forbids -Physicians to take Money of those they don't cure. 'Tis -true, my Innocence ought to banish my Fears: But my -Government, Child, is too delicious a Morsel, not to set -many a frail Mouth a-watering. Who knows what Accusations -Envy may produce? But all wou'd be secure, -if thou could'st touch the Heart of <em>Esop</em>. Let me blow -up thy Ambition, Girl; the Fire of that will make thy -Eyes sparkle at him. [<em>She sighs.</em>]——What's that Sigh -for, now? Ha! A young Husband, by my Conscience: -Ah Daughter, hadst thou a young Husband, he'd make -thee sigh indeed. I'll tell thee what he's compos'd of. -He has a Wig full of Pulvilio, a Pocket full of Dice, a -Heart full of Treason, a Mouth full of Lyes, a Belly -full of Drink, a Carcase full of Plaisters, a Tail full of -Pox, and a Head full of——nothing. There's his -Picture: wear it at thy Heart, if thou can'st but here -comes one of greater Worth.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Good Morning to my noble Lord; your Excellency——</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Softly, good Governor: I'm a poor Wanderer -from Place to Place; too weak to train the Weight of -Grandeur with me! The Name of Excellency's not for -me.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> My noble Lord, 'tis due to your Imploy; your -Predecessors all——</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> My Predecessors all deserv'd it, Sir; they were<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span> -great Men in Wisdom, Birth and Service; whilst I, a -poor, unknown, decrepid Wretch, mounted aloft for Fortune's -Pastime, expect each Moment to conclude the -Farce, by sinking to the Mud from whence I sprung.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Great <em>Crœsus</em>'s Gratitude will still support you; -his Coffers all are open to your Will, your future Fortune's -wholly in your Power.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> But 'tis a Power that I shall ne'er employ.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Why so, my Lord?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I'll tell you, Sir.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>A hungry Goat, who had not eat</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Some Nights and Days——(for want of Meat)</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Was kindly brought at last,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>By Providence's Care,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To better Cheer,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>After a more than penitential Fast.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>He found a Barn well stor'd with Grain:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To enter in requir'd some Pain;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But a delicious Bait</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Makes the Way easy, tho' the Pass is strait.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Our Guest observing various Meats,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He put on a good modish Face,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He takes his Place,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He ne'er says Grace,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>But where he likes, he there falls to and eats.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>At length, with jaded Teeth and Jaws,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He made a Pause;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And finding still some room,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Fell to as he had done before,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For time to come laid in his Store;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And when his Guts cou'd hold no more,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>He thought of going home.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>But here he met the Glutton's Curse;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He found his Belly grown so great,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>'Twas vain to think of a Retreat,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Till he had render'd all he had eat,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>And well he far'd no worse.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p>To the Application, Governor.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> 'Tis easy to be made, my Lord.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I'm glad on't, Truth can never be too clear.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span> -[<em>Seeing <span class="antiqua">Euph</span>.</em>] Is this young Damsel your fair Daughter, -Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> 'Tis my Daughter, my good Lord: Fair too, -if she appears such in the Eyes of the unerring <em>Esop</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> [<em>Going up to salute her.</em>] I never saw so beautiful -a Creature.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Now's the time; kiss soft, Girl, and -fire him.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> [<em>Gazing at her.</em>] How partial's Nature 'twixt -her Form and mine!</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Look, look, look, how he gazes at her!—--<em>Cupid</em>'s -hard at work, I see that already. Slap; -there he hits him—if the Wench would but do her Part. -But see, see, how the perverse young Baggage stands -biting her Thumbs, and won't give him one kind Glance——Ah -the sullen Jade! Had it been a handsome -strong Dog, of five-and-twenty, she'd a fall'n a coquetting -on't, with every Inch about her. But may -be 'tis I that spoils Sport; I'll make a Pretence to leave -them together. Will your Lordship please to drink any -Coffee this Morning?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> With all my Heart, Governor.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Your Lordship will give me leave to go and order -it myself; for unless I am by, 'tis never perfect.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Provided you leave me this fair Maid in Hostage -for your Return, I consent.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> My good Lord does my Daughter too much -Honour. Ah that the Wench wou'd but do her Part! -[<em>Aside going off.</em>]——Hark, you, Hussy——[<em>Turning -back to <span class="antiqua">Euphronia</span>, aside.</em>]——You can give yourself -Airs sometimes, you know you can. Do you remember -what work you made with yourself at Church t'other -Day? Play your Tricks over again, once more, for my -Pleasure, and let me have a good Account of this -Statesman, or, d'ye hear?——You shall die a Maid; go -chew upon that; go.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Lear</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Here I am left, fair Damsel, too much expos'd -to your Charms, not to fall your Victim.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Your Fall will then be due to your own Weak<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span>ness, -Sir; for, Heaven's my Witness, I neither endeavour -nor wish to wound you.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I understand you, Lady; your Heart's already -dispos'd of; 'tis seldom otherways, at your Age.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> My Heart dispos'd of!</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Nay, never mince the Matter, Madam. The -Gentleman looks like a civil Gentleman, e'en confess -the Truth to him: He has a good Interest with your -Father, and no Doubt will employ it to break the -Heathenish Match he proposes to you. [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>.</em>] Yes, -Sir, my young Lady has been in love these two Years, -and that with as pretty a Fellow as ever entered a Virgin's -Heart; tall, strait, young, vigorous, good Clothes, -long Perriwig, clean Linen; in brief, he has every thing -that's necessary to set a young Lady a-longing, and to -stay it when he has done: but her Father, whose Ambition -makes him turn Fool in his old Age, comes with -a back Stroke upon us, and spoils all our Sport. Wou'd -you believe it, Sir? He has propos'd to her to-day the -most confounded ugly Fellow! Look, if the very -Thoughts of him don't set the poor Thing a-crying! -And you, Sir, have so much Power with the old Gentleman, -that one Word from you would set us all right -again. If he will have her a Wife, in the Name of <em>Venus</em>, -let him provide her a handsome Husband, and not -throw her into the Paws of a Thing, that Nature, in a -merry Humour, has made half Man, half Monkey.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Pray, what's this Monster's Name, Lady?</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> No matter for his Name, Sir; my Father will -know what you mean, at first Word.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> But you shou'd not always chuse by the Outside -alone: believe me, fair Damsel, a fine Perriwig keeps -many a Fool's Head from the Weather: Have a Care -of your young Gallant.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> There's no Danger, I have examin'd him; his -Inside's as good as his out! I say, he has Wit, and I -think I know.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Nay, she says true; he's even a Miracle of -Wit and Beauty: Did you but see him, you'd be yourself -my Rival.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Then you are resolv'd against the Monster?</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Fy, Sir, fy; I wonder you'll put her in Mind -of that foul, frightful Thing: We shall have her dream -of nothing all Night but Bats and Owls, and Toads and -Hedge-hogs; and then we shall have such a squeaking -and squalling with her, the whole House will be in an -Uproar: Therefore, pray, Sir, name him no more, but -use your Interest with her Father, that she may never -hear of him again.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> But if I shou'd be so generous to save you from -the old Gallant, what shall I say for your young one?</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> O, Sir, you may venture to enlarge upon his -Perfections; you need not fear saying too much in his -Praise.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> And pray, Sir, be as copious upon the Defects -of t'other; you need not fear out-running the Text -there, neither, say the worst you can.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> You may say, the first is the most graceful -Man that <em>Asia</em> ever brought forth.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> And you may say the latter is the most deform'd -Monster that Copulation ever produc'd.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Tell him that <em>Oronces</em> (for that is his dear -Name) has all the Virtues that compose a perfect Hero.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> And tell him, that <em>Pigmy</em> has all the Vices that -go to equip an Attorney.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> That to one I cou'd be true to the last Moment -of my Life.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> That for t'other, she'd cuckold him the very -Day of her Marriage. This, Sir, in few Words, is -the Theme you are desir'd to preach upon.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I never yet had one that furnish'd me with -more Matter.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Ser.</em> My Lord, there's a Lady below desires to speak -with your Honour.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> What Lady?</p> - -<p><em>Ser.</em> 'Tis my Lady—my Lady—[<em>To <span class="antiqua">Doris</span>.</em>] The Lady -there, the wise-Lady, the great Scholar, that Nobody -can understand.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> O ho, is it she? Pray let's withdraw, and -oblige her, Madam; she's ready to swoon at the insipid -Sight of one of her own Sex.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> You'll excuse us, Sir; we leave you to wiser -Company.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt <span class="antiqua">Euph</span>. and <span class="antiqua">Dor</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Hortensia</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Hort.</em> The Deess, who from <em>Atropos</em>'s Breast preserves -the Names of Heroes and their Actions, proclaims your -Fame throughout this mighty Orb, and——</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Shield me, my Stars! What have you -sent me here? For Pity's Sake, good Lady, be more -humane: My Capacity is too heavy, to mount to your -Style: If you wou'd have me know what you mean, -please to come down to my Understanding.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Hort.</em> I've something in my Nature soars too high<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For vulgar Flight, I own;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But <em>Esop</em>'s Sphere must needs be within Call;<br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Esop</em> and I may sure converse together:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I know he's modest, but I likewise know<br /></span> -<span class="i0">His Intellects are categorical.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Now, by my Faith, Lady, I don't know what -<em>Intellect</em> is; and methinks, <em>categorical</em> sounds as if you -call'd me Names. Pray, speak that you may be understood: -Language was design'd for it; indeed it was.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Hort.</em> Of vulgar Things in vulgar Phrase we talk;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But when of <em>Esop</em> we must speak,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The Theme's too lofty for an humble Style:<br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Esop</em> is sure no common Character.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> No, truly; I am something particular. Yet if -I am not mistaken, what I have extraordinary about -me, may be describ'd in very homely Language. Here -was a young Gentlewoman but just now pencil'd me -out to a Hair, I thought; and yet, I vow to God, the -learned'st Word I heard her make use of, was Monster.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Hort.</em> That was a Woman, Sir, a very Woman;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Her Cogitations all were on the outward Man:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But I strike deeper; 'tis the Mind I view.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The Soul's the worthy Object of my Care;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The Soul, that Sample of Divinity, that glorious<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span> -<span class="i0">Ray of heavenly Light. The Soul, that awful<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Throne of Thought, that sacred Seat of Contemplation.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The Soul, that noble Source of Wisdom,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That Fountain of Comfort,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That Spring of Joy, that happy Token of eternal<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Life. The Soul, that——<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Pray, Lady, are you married?</p> - -<p><em>Hort.</em> Why that Question, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Only that I might wait upon your Husband, to -wish him Joy.</p> - -<p><em>Hort.</em> When People of my Composition would marry, -they first find something of their own Species to join -with; I never could resolve to take a Thing of common -Fabric to my Bed, lest, when his brutish Inclinations -prompt him, he shou'd make me Mother to a Form like -his own.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Methinks, a Lady so extremely nice should be -much at a Loss who to converse with.</p> - -<p><em>Hort.</em> I keep my Chamber, and converse with myself; -'tis better being alone, than to mis-ally one's -Conversation: Men are scandalous, and Women are -insipid: Discourse without Figure makes me sick at -my Soul: O the Charms of a Metaphor! What Harmony -there is in the Words of Erudition! The Musick -of them is inimaginable.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Will you hear a Fable, Lady?</p> - -<p><em>Hort.</em> Willingly, Sir; the Apologue pleases me, -when the Application of it is just.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> It is, I'll answer for it.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Once on a Time a Nightingale,</em><br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span> -<span class="i2"><em>To Changes prone,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Unconstant, fickle, whimsical,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>(A Female one)</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Who sung like others of her kind,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Hearing a well-taught Linnet's Airs,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Had other Matters in her Mind.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>To imitate him she prepares;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Her Fancy strait was on the Wing:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i4"><em>I fly, quoth she,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>As well as he;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>I don't know why</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>I should not try</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>As well as he to sing.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>From that Day forth she chang'd her Note,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>She spoil'd her Voice, she strain'd her Throat:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>She did, as learned Women do,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Till every Thing</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>That heard her sing</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Wou'd run away from her——as I from you.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Exit</span> Esop <span class="antiqua">running</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Hortensia</span> sola.</em> -</p> - -<p>How grossly does this poor World suffer itself to be -impos'd upon!—--<em>Esop</em>, a Man of Sense——Ha! -ha! ha! ha! ha! Alas, poor Wretch! I shou'd not -have known him but by his Deformity; his Soul's as -nauseous to my Understanding, as his odious Body to -my Sense of Feeling. Well,</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>'Mongst all the Wits that are allow'd to shine,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Methinks there's nothing yet approaches mine:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Sure I was sent the homely Age t'adorn;</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>What Star, I know not, rul'd when I was born,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But every Thing besides myself's my Scorn.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directright">[Exit.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-247.jpg" width="700" height="45" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_II4" id="ACT_II4"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> II.</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Euphronia</span> and <span class="antiqua">Doris</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">W</span>hat</span>, in the Name of <em>Jove</em>, 's the matter -with you? Speak, for Heaven's sake!</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Oh! what shall I do? <em>Doris</em>, I'm undone.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> What, ravish'd?</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> No, ten times worse! Ten times worse! Unlace -me, or I shall swoon.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Unlace you? Why, you are not thereabouts, -I hope?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> No no, worse still; worse than all that.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Nay, then 'tis bad, indeed.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Doris</span> unlaces her.</em></p> - -<p>There: How d'ye do now?</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> So; 'tis going over.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Courage, pluck up your Spirits: Well, now -what's the matter?</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> The matter! Thou shalt hear. Know that—that -Cheat—<em>Esop</em>——</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Like enough; speak: What has he done! That -ugly ill-boding Cyclops—</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Why, instead of keeping his Promise, and speaking -for <em>Oronces</em>, he has not said one Word, but what has -been for himself. And by my Father's Order, before -to-morrow Noon he's to marry me.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> He marry you!</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Am I in the wrong to be in this Despair? Tell -me, <em>Doris</em>, if I am to blame.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> To blame? No, by my troth. That ugly, old, -treacherous piece of Vermin—that melancholy Mixture -of Impotence and Desire—does his Mouth stand to a -young Partridge? Ah the old Goat! And your Father! -He downright doats at last, then.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Ah, <em>Doris</em>, what a Husband does he give me! -And what a Lover does he rob me of! Thou know'st -'em both; think of <em>Oronces</em>, and think of <em>Esop</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> [<em>Spitting.</em>] A foul Monster! And yet, now I -think on't, I'm almost as angry at t'other too: Methinks -he makes but a slow Voyage on't, for a Man in Love: -'Tis now above two Months since he went to <em>Lesbos</em>, to -pack up the old Bones of his dead Father; sure he -might have made a little more Haste.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Oronces</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Oh! my Heart, what do I see?</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Talk of the Devil, and he's at your Elbow.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> My dear Soul!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Euph.</span> runs and leaps about his Neck.</em></p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Why wou'd you stay so long from me?</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> 'Twas not my Fault, indeed; the Winds——</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> The Winds! Will the Winds blow you your<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span> -Mistress again? We have had Winds too, and Waves -into the Bargain; Storms and Tempests, Sea-Monsters, -and the Devil and all. She struggled as long as she -cou'd, but a Woman can do no more than she can do; -when her Breath was gone, down she sunk.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> What's the meaning of all this?</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> There's meaning and mumping too: your Mistress -is married: that's all.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Death and Furies——</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> [<em>Clinging about him.</em>] Don't you frighten him -too much, neither, <em>Doris</em>. No, my Dear, I'm not yet -executed, tho' I'm condemn'd.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Condemn'd! To what? Speak! Quick!</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> To be married.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Married? When? How? Where? To what? -To whom?</p> - -<p><em>Dor. Esop, Esop, Esop, Esop, Esop.</em></p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Fiends and Spectres! What! That piece of -Deformity! That Monster! That Crump!</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> The same, Sir, the same. I find he knows him. -You might have come home sooner.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Dear <em>Euphronia</em>, ease me from my Pain. -Swear that you neither have nor will consent. -I know this comes from your ambitious Father; -But you're too generous, too true to leave me: -Millions of Kingdoms ne'er wou'd shake my Faith, -And I believe your Constancy as firm.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> You do me Justice, you shall find you do: For -Racks and Tortures, Crowns and Scepters join'd, shall -neither fright me from my Truth, nor tempt me to be -false. On this you may depend.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Wou'd to the Lord you wou'd find some other -Place to make your fine Speeches in! Don't you know -that your dear Friend <em>Esop</em>'s coming to receive his Visits -here? In this great downy Chair, your pretty little -Husband Elect is to sit and hear all the Complaints of -the Town: One of Wisdom's chief Recompences being -to be constantly troubled with the Business of Fools. -Pray, Madam, will you take the Gentleman by the -Hand, and lead him into your Chamber; and when<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span> -you are there, don't lie whining, and crying, and sighing, -and wishing——[<em>Aside.</em>] If he had not been -more modest than wise, he might have set such a Mark -upon the Goods before now, that ne'er a Merchant of -'em all wou'd have bought 'em out of his Hands. But -young Fellows are always in the wrong: Either so impudent -they are nauseous, or so modest they are useless. -Go; pray get you gone together.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> But if my Father catch us, we are ruin'd.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> By my Conscience, this Love will make us all -turn Fools. Before your Father can open the Door, -can't he slip down the Back-stairs? I'm sure he may, if -you don't hold him; but that's the old Trade. Ah—Well, -get you gone, however——Hark——I hear the -old Baboon cough; away! [<em>Ex. <span class="antiqua">Oron.</span> and <span class="antiqua">Euph.</span> running.</em>] -Here he comes, with his ugly Beak before him. -Ah—a luscious Bedfellow, by my troth!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Learchus</span> and <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Well, <em>Doris</em>; what News from my Daughter? -Is she prudent?</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Yes, very prudent.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> What says she? What does she do?</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Do? What shou'd she do? Tears her Cornet; -bites her Thumbs; throws her Fan in the Fire; thinks -'tis dark Night at Noon-day; dreams of Monsters and -Hobgoblins; raves in her Sleep of forc'd Marriage and -Cuckoldom; cries, <em>Avaunt</em> Deformity; then wakens on -a sudden, with fifty Arguments at her Fingers-ends to -prove the Lawfulness of Rebellion in a Child, when a -Parent turns Tyrant.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Very fine! But all this shan't serve her turn. I -have said the Word, and will be obey'd——My Lord -does her Honour.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Yes, and that's all he can do to her. -[<em>To <span class="antiqua">Lear</span>.</em>] But I can't blame the Gentleman, after all; -he loves my Mistress, because she's handsome; and she -hates him, because he's ugly. I never saw two People -more in the right in my Life. [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>.</em>] You'll pardon -me, Sir, I'm somewhat free.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why, a Ceremony wou'd but take up time. -But, Governor, methinks I have an admirable Advocate -about your Daughter.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Out of the Room, Impudence: be gone, I say.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> So I will: But you'll be as much in the wrong -when I'm gone, as when I'm here. And your Conscience, -I hope, will talk as pertly to you as I can do.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> If she treats me thus before my face, I may conclude -I'm finely handled behind my Back.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> I say the Truth here; and I can say no worse -any where.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Doris</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> I hope your Lordship won't be concern'd at -what this prattling Wench bleats out: my Daughter -will be govern'd. She's bred up to Obedience. There -may be some small Difficulty in weaning her from her -young Lover: But 'twon't be the first time she has been -wean'd from a Breast, my Lord.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Does she love him fondly, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Foolishly, my Lord.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> And he her?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> The same.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Is he young?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Yes, and vigorous.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Rich?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> So, so.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Well-born?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> He has good Blood in his Veins.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Has he Wit?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> He had, before he was in Love.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> And handsome with all this?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Or else we shou'd not have half so much trouble -with him.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why do you, then, make her quit him for me? -All the World knows I am neither young, noble, nor -rich: And as for my Beauty——Look you, Governor, -I'm honest. But when Children cry, they tell 'em -<em>Esop</em>'s a-coming. Pray, Sir, what is it makes you so -earnest to force your Daughter?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Am I, then, to count for nothing the favour you -are in at Court? Father-in-law to the great <em>Esop</em>! What<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span> -may not I aspire to? My foolish Daughter, perhaps, -mayn't be so well pleas'd with it, but we wise Parents -usually weigh our Children's Happiness in the Scale of -our own Inclinations.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Well, Governor, let it be your Care, then, to -make her consent.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> This Moment, my Lord, I reduce her either -to Obedience, or to Dust and Ashes.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Lear</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Adieu. Now let in the People who come for -Audience.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Esop</span> sits in his Chair, reading of Papers.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter two ordinary Tradesmen.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>1 Tra.</em> There he is, Neighbour: Do but look at him.</p> - -<p><em>2 Tra.</em> Aye; one may know him: He's well mark'd. -But do'st hear me? What Title must we give him? for -if we fail in that point, d'ye see me, we shall never get -our Business done. Courtiers love Titles almost as well -as they do Money, and that's a bold Word now.</p> - -<p><em>1 Tra.</em> Why, I think we had best call him, his Grandeur.</p> - -<p><em>2 Tra.</em> That will do; thou hast hit on't. Hold still, -let me speak. May it please your Grandeur——</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> There I interrupt you, Friend; I have a weak -Body that will ne'er be able to bear that Title.</p> - -<p><em>2 Tra.</em> D'ye hear that, Neighbour? What shall we -call him now?</p> - -<p><em>1 Tra.</em> Why, call him, call him, his Excellency; -try what that will do.</p> - -<p><em>2 Tra.</em> May it please your Excellency——</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Excellency's a long Word, it takes up too much -time in Business: Tell me what you'd have in few Words.</p> - -<p><em>2 Tra.</em></p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Neighbour, this Man will never give<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ten thousand Pounds to be made a Lord.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But what shall I say to him now?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He puts me quite out of my play.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>1 Tra.</em> Why e'en talk to him as we do to one another.</p> - -<p><em>2 Tra.</em> Shall I? Why, so I will, then. Hem! Neighbour, -we want a new Governor, Neighbour.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> A new Governor, Friend?</p> - -<p><em>2 Tra.</em> Aye, Friend.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why, what's the matter with your old one?</p> - -<p><em>2 Tra.</em></p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">What's the matter!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Why, he grows rich; that's the matter;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And he that's rich can't be innocent; that's all.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Does he use any of you harshly? Or punish you -without a Fault?</p> - -<p><em>2 Tra.</em> No, but he grows as rich as a Miser; his Purse -is so cramm'd, 'tis ready to burst again.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> When 'tis full, 'twill hold no more; a new Governor -will have an empty one.</p> - -<p><em>2 Tra.</em> 'Fore Gad, Neighbour, the little Gentleman's -in the right on't.</p> - -<p><em>1 Tra.</em></p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Why, truly, I don't know but he may:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For now it comes in my Head,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">It cost me more Money to fat my Hog,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Than to keep him fat when he was so.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Pr'ythee tell him we'll keep our old Governor.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>2 Tra.</em> I'll do't. Why, look you, Sir, d'ye see me: -Having seriously consider'd of the matter, my Neighbour -<em>Hobson</em> and I here, we are content to jog on a little -longer with him we have: but if you'd do us another -Courtesy, you might.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> What's that, Friend?</p> - -<p><em>2 Tra.</em> Why, that's this: Our King Crœsus is a very -good Prince, as a Man may say: But——a——but—Taxes -are high, an't please you; and——a——poor -Men want Money, d'ye see me: 'Tis very hard, as we -think, that the Poor shou'd work to maintain the Rich. -If there were no Taxes, we shou'd do pretty well.</p> - -<p><em>1 Tra.</em> Taxes, indeed, are very burdensome.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I'll tell you a Story, Countrymen.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Once on a time, the Hands and Feet,</em><br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span> -<span class="i0"><em>As Mutineers, grew mighty great;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They met, caball'd, and talk'd of Treason,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They swore by <span class="antiqua">Jove</span> they knew no Reason</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Belly shou'd have all the Meat—</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>It was a damn'd notorious Cheat</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They did the Work, and—Death and Hell, they'd eat.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>The Belly, who ador'd good Chear,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Had like t'have dy'd away for Fear:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Quoth he, Good Folks, you little know</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>What 'tis you are about to do;</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>If I am starv'd, what will become of you?</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>We neither know nor care, cry'd they,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But this we will be bound to say,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>We'll see you damn'd</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Before we'll work,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And you receive the Pay.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>With that the Hands to Pocket went</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Full Wrist-band deep,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Legs and Feet fell fast asleep:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Their Liberty they had redeem'd,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And all, except the Belly, seem'd</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Extremely well content.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>But mark what follow'd; 'twas not long</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Before the right became the wrong;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Mutineers were grown so weak,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They found 'twas more than time to squeak:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They call for work, but 'twas too late.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>The Stomach (like an aged Maid,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Shrunk up, for want of human Aid)</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The common Debt of Nature paid,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And with its Destiny entrain'd their Fate.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> What think you of this Story, Friends, ha? -Come, you look like wise Men; I'm sure you understand -what's for your good; in giving part of what you have, -you secure all the rest: If the King had no Money, there -cou'd be no Army; and if there were no Army, your -Enemies would be amongst you: One Day's Pillage -wou'd be worse than twenty Years' Taxes. What say ye? -Is't not so?</p> - -<p><em>2 Tra.</em> By my troth, I think he's in the right on't, again. -Who'd think that little Hump-back of his -Shou'd have so much Brains in't, Neighbour?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Well, honest Men, is there any thing else that I -can serve you in?</p> - -<p><em>1 Tra.</em> D'ye hear that, <em>Humphry</em>?——Why, that was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span> -civil now. But Courtiers seldom want Good-breeding; -let's give the Devil his due. Why, to tell you the truth, -honest Gentlemen, we had a whole Budget full of Grievances -to complain of. But I think——a——Ha, Neighbour? -We had e'en as good let 'em alone.</p> - -<p><em>1 Tra.</em> Why good feath I think so too; for by all I -can see, we are like to make no great hond on't. Besides, -between thee and me, I began to daubt, whether -aur Grievances do us such a plaguy deal of Mischief as -we fancy.</p> - -<p><em>2 Tra.</em> Or put the Case they did, <em>Humphry</em>; I'se afraid -he that goes to a Courtier, in hope to get fairly rid of -'em, may be said (in our Country Dialect) to take the -wrong Sow by the Ear. But here's Neighbour <em>Roger</em>, -he's a Wit, let's leave him to him.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Roger</span>, a Country Bumkin, looks seriously upon <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>; -then bursts out a laughing.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Rog.</em> Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Did ever Mon behold the -like? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Hast thou any business with me, Friend?</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Rog.</em> Yes, by my troth, have I;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But if <em>Roger</em> were to be hang'd up for't,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Look you now, he cou'd not hold laughing:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">What I have in my Mind, out it comes: But bar that;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I'se on honest Lad as well as another.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> My time's dearer to me than yours, Friend; -have you any thing to say to me?</p> - -<p><em>Rog.</em> Gadswookers, do People use to ask for Folks -when they have nothing to say to 'em: I'se tell you my -Business.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Let's hear it.</p> - -<p><em>Rog.</em> I have, as you see, a little Wit.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> True.</p> - -<p><em>Rog.</em> I live in a Village hard by, and I'se the best Man -in it, tho' I say it that should not say it. I have good -Drink in my Cellar, and good Corn in my Barn: I have -Cows and Oxen, Hogs and Sheep, Cocks and Hens, -and Geese and Turkeys: But the Truth will out, and so -let it out. I'se e'en tired of being call'd plain <em>Roger</em>.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span> -I has a Leathern Purse, and in that Purse there's many -a fair Half-crown, with the King's sweet Face upon it, -God bless him; and with his Money, I have a mind to -bind myself 'Prentice to a Courtier: 'Tis a good Trade, -as I have heard say; there's Money stirring: Let a Lad -be but diligent, and do what he's bid, he shall be let -into the Secret, and share Part of the Profits; I have not -lived to these Years for nothing: Those that will swim -must go into deep water: I'se get our Wife <em>Joan</em> to be -the Queen's Chamber-maid; and then——Crack, says -me I; and forget all my Acquaintance. But to come to -the Business. You who are the King's great Favourite, -I desire you'd be pleas'd to sell me some of your Friendship, -that I may get a Court-Place. Come, you shall -chuse me one yourself; you look like a shrewd Man; by -the Mass, you do.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I chuse thee a Place!</p> - -<p><em>Rog.</em> Yes, I wou'd willingly have it such a sort of a -Place, as wou'd cost little, and bring in a great deal; in -a Word, much Profit, and nothing to do.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> But you must name what Post you think wou'd -suit your Humour.</p> - -<p><em>Rog.</em> Why I'se pratty indifferent as to that: Secretary -of State, or Butler; twenty Shillings more, or twenty -Shillings less, is not the thing I stand upon. I'se no -Hagler, Godswookers; and he that says I am—'Zbud -he lies: There's my Humour now.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> But hark you, Friend, you say you are well as -you are, why then do you desire to change?</p> - -<p><em>Rog.</em> Why what a Question now is there for a Man of -your Parts? I'm well, d'ye see me; and what of all that? -I desire to be better: There's an Answer for you. [<em>Aside.</em>] -Let <em>Roger</em> alone with him.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Very well: This is reasoning; and I love a -Man should reason with me. But let us enquire a little -whether your Reasons are good or not. You say, at home -you want for nothing?</p> - -<p><em>Rog.</em> Nothing, 'fore <em>George</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> You have good Drink?</p> - -<p><em>Rog.</em> 'Zbud, the best i'th' Parish. [<em>Singing.</em>] And<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span> -dawne it merrily goes, my Lad, and dawne it merrily -goes.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> You eat heartily?</p> - -<p><em>Rog.</em> I have a noble Stomach.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> You sleep well?</p> - -<p><em>Rog.</em> Just as I drink, till I can sleep no longer.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> You have some honest Neighbours?</p> - -<p><em>Rog.</em> Honest! 'Zbud we are all so, the Tawne raund, -we live like Breether; when one can sarve another, he -does it with all his Heart and Guts; when we have any -thing that's good, we eat it together, Holidays and Sundays -we play at Nine-pins, tumble upon the Grass with -wholesome young Maids, laugh till we split, daunce till -we are weary, eat till we burst, drink till we are sleepy, -then swap into Bed, and snore till we rise to Breakfast.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> And all this thou wou'dst leave to go to Court? -I'll tell thee what once happen'd:</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>A Mouse, who long had liv'd at Court,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>(Yet ne'er the better Christian for't)</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Walking one Day to see some Country Sport,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He met a home-bred Village-Mouse;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Who with an awkward Speech and Bow,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>That savour'd much of Cart and Plow,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Made a shift, I know not how,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>T' invite him to his House.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Quoth he, My Lord, I doubt you'll find</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Our Country Fare of homely kind;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But by my troth, you're welcome to't,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Y'ave that, and Bread and Cheese to boot:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And so they sat and din'd.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Rog.</em> Very well.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Esop.</em> <em>The <span class="antiqua">Courtier</span> cou'd have eat at least</em><br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span> -<span class="i0"><em>As much as any Houshold Priest,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But thought himself oblig'd in Feeding,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To shew the difference of Town breeding;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He pick'd and cull'd, and turn'd the Meat,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He champt and chew'd, and cou'd not eat:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>No toothless Woman at Fourscore,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Was ever seen to mumble more.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He made a thousand ugly Faces,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Which (as sometimes in Ladies cases)</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Were all design'd for Airs and Graces.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Rog.</em> Ha, ha!<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Esop. <em>At last he from the Table rose,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He pick'd his Teeth and blow'd his Nose,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And with an easy Negligence,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>As tho' he lately came from France,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He made a careless sliding Bow:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>'Fore Gad, quoth he, I don't know how</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>I shall return your friendly Treat;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But if you'll take a bit of Meat</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>In Town with me,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>You there shall see,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>How we poor Courtiers eat.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Rog.</em> Tit for tat; that was friendly.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Esop. <em>There needed no more Invitation</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To e'er a Country 'Squire i'th' Nation:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Exactly to the time he came,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Punctual as Woman when she meets</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>A Man between a pair of Sheets,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>As good a Stomach, and as little Shame.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Rog.</em> Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Esop. <em>To say the Truth, he found good Chear,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With Wine, instead of Ale and Beer:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But just as they sat down to eat,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Came bouncing in a hungry Cat.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Rog.</em> O Lord, O Lord, O Lord!<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Esop. <em>The nimble Courtier skipt from Table,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The 'Squire leapt too, as he was able:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>It can't be said that they were beat,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>It was no more than a Retreat;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Which when an Army, not to fight</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>By Day-light, runs away by Night,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Was ever judg'd a great and glorious Feat.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Rog.</em> Ever, ever, ever.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Esop. <em>The Cat retir'd, our Guests return,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Danger past becomes their Scorn,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They fall to eating as before,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Butler rumbles at the Door.</em><br /></span> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span></div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Rog.</em> Good Lord!<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Esop. <em>To Boot and Saddle again they sound.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Rog.</em> Ta ra, tan tan ta ra, ra ra tan ta ra.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Esop. <em>They frown, as they wou'd stand their Ground,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But (like some of our Friends) they found</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>'Twas safer much to scour.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Rog.</em> Tantive, Tantive, Tantive, <em>&c.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Esop. <em>At length the 'Squire, who hated Arms,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Was so perplext with these Alarms,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He rose up in a kind of Heat,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Udswookers, quoth he, with all your Meat,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>I will maintain, a Dish of Pease,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>A Radish, and a Slice of Cheese,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With a good Desert of Ease,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Is much a better Treat.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>However,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Since every Man shou'd have his due,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>I own, Sir, I'm oblig'd to you</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For your Intentions at your Board:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But Pox upon your courtly Crew——</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Rog.</em> <em>Amen</em>, I pray the Lord. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! -Now the De'el cuckold me if this Story be not worth a -Sermon. Give me your Hond, Sir.——If it had na' -been for your friendly Advice, I was going to be Fool -enough to be Secretary of State.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Well, go thy ways home, and be wiser for the -future.</p> - -<p><em>Rog.</em> And so I will: For that same Mause, your Friend, -was a witty Person, gadsbudlikins! and so our Wife -<em>Joan</em> shall know: For between you and I, 'tis she has put -me upon going to Court. Sir, she has been so praud, -so saucy, so rampant, ever since I brought her home a -lac'd Pinner, and a pink-colour'd pair of Shoe-strings, -from <em>Tickledowne</em> Fair, the Parson o'th' Parish can't rule -her; and that you'll say's much. But so much for -that. Naw I thank you for your good Counsel, honest little -Gentleman; and to shew you that I'se not ungrateful—give -me your Hond once more——If you'll take the -pains but to walk dawne to our Towne—a Word in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span> -your Ear——I'se send you so drunk whome again, you -shall remember friendly <em>Roger</em> as long as you have Breath -in your Body.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Roger</span></em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Esop. <span class="antiqua">solus</span>.</em> -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Farewel, what I both envy and despise!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Thy Happiness and Ignorance provoke me.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">How noble were the thing call'd Knowledge,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Did it but lead us to a Bliss like thine!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But there's a secret Curse in Wisdom's Train, <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">Which on its Pleasures stamps perpetual Pain, <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">And makes the wise Man Loser by his Gain. <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-260.jpg" width="700" height="45" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_III4" id="ACT_III4"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> III.</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">W</span>ho</span> waits there?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Enter Servant.</em></p> - -<p>If there be any body that has Business with -me, let 'em in.</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Yes, Sir.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Serv.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Quaint</span>, who stands at a distance, making a great -many fawning Bows.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Well, Friend, who are you?</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> My Name's <em>Quaint</em>, Sir, the profoundest of -all your Honour's humble Servants.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> And what may your Business be with me, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> My Business, Sir, with every Man, is first of -all to do him Service.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> And your next is, I suppose, to be paid for't -twice as much as 'tis worth.</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> Your Honour's most obedient humble Servant.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Well, Sir, but upon what Account am I going -to be oblig'd to you?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> Sir, I'm a Genealogist.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> A Genealogist!</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> At your Service, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> So, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> Sir, I am inform'd from common Fame, as -well as from some little private familiar Intelligence, -that your Wisdom is ent'ring into Treaty with the <em>Primum -Mobilè</em> of Good and Evil, a fine Lady. I have travell'd, -Sir; I have read, Sir; I have consider'd, Sir; -and I find, Sir, that the Nature of a fine Lady is to be——a -fine Lady, Sir; a fine Lady's a fine Lady, Sir, -all the World over;——she loves a fine House, fine -Furniture, fine Clothes, fine Liveries, fine Petticoats, -fine Smocks; and if she stops there—she's a fine Lady -indeed, Sir. But to come to my Point. It being the -<em>Lydian</em> Custom, that the fair Bride should be presented -on her Wedding-day with something that may signify -the Merit and the Worth of her dread Lord and Master, -I thought the noble <em>Esop</em>'s Pedigree might be the -welcom'st Gift that he could offer. If his Honour be -of the same Opinion—I'll speak a bold Word—there's -ne'er a Herald in all <em>Asia</em> shall put better Blood in his -Veins, than—Sir, your humble Servant, <em>Jacob Quaint</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Dost thou then know my Father, Friend? For -I protest to thee I am a Stranger to him.</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> Your Father, Sir? Ha, ha! I know every -Man's Father, Sir; and every Man's Grandfather, and -every Man's Great Grandfather. Why, Sir, I'm a -Herald by Nature, my Mother was a <em>Welchwoman</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> A <em>Welchwoman</em>? Pr'ythee of what Country is -that?</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> That, Sir, is a Country in the World's -Backside, where every Man is born a Gentleman and a -Genealogist. Sir, I cou'd tell my Mother's Pedigree -before I could speak plain; which, to shew you the -Depth of my Art, and the Strength of my Memory, -I'll trundle you down in an instant. <em>Noah</em> had three -Sons, <em>Shem</em>, <em>Ham</em>, and <em>Japhet</em>; <em>Shem</em>——</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Hold, I conjure thee, in the Name of all thy -Ancestors.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> Sir, I cou'd take it higher, but I begin at -Noah for brevity's sake.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> No more on't, I intreat thee.</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> Your Honour's impatient, perhaps, to hear -your own Descent. <em>A Word to the wise is enough.</em> Hem, -hem! <em>Solomon</em>, the wise King of <em>Judea</em>——</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Hold, once more!</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> Ha, ha! Your Honour's modest, but——<em>Solomon</em>, -the wise King of <em>Judea</em>——</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Was my Ancestor, was he not?</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> He was, my Lord, which no one sure can -doubt, who observes how much of Prince there hangs -about you.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> What! Is't in my Mien?</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> You have something——wondrous noble in -your Air.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Personable too; view me well.</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> N——not Tall; but Majestick.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> My Shape?</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> A World of Symmetry in it.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> The Lump upon my Back?</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> N——not regular; but agreeable.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Now by my Honesty thou art a Villain, Herald. -But Flattery's a Thrust I never fail to parry. -'Tis a Pass thou should'st reserve for young Fencers; -with Feints like those they're to be hit: I do not -doubt but thou hast found it so; hast not?</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> I must confess, Sir, I have sometimes made -'em bleed by't. But I hope your Honour will please to -excuse me, since, to speak the Truth, I get my Bread -by't, and maintain my Wife and Children: And Industry, -you know, Sir, is a commendable Thing. Besides, -Sir, I have debated the Business a little with my -Conscience; for I'm like the rest of my Neighbours, -I'd willingly get Money, and be sav'd too, if the -Thing may be done upon any reasonable Terms: And -so, Sir, I say, to quiet my Conscience, I have found -out at last, that Flattery is a Duty.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> A Duty!</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> Ay, Sir, a Duty: For the Duty of all Men<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span> -is to make one another pass their time as pleasantly as -they can. Now, Sir, here's a young Lord, who has a -great deal of Land, a great deal of Title, a great deal of -Meat, a great deal of Noise, a great many Servants, and -a great many Diseases. I find him very dull, very restless, -tir'd with Ease, cloy'd with Plenty, a Burden to -himself, and a Plague to his Family. I begin to flatter: -He springs off of the Couch; turns himself round in the -Glass; finds all I say true; cuts a Caper a yard high; -his Blood trickles round his Veins; his Heart's as light -as his Heels; and before I leave him——his Purse is as -empty as his Head. So we both are content; for we -part much happier than we met.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Admirable Rogue! What dost thou think of -Murder and of Rape, are not they Duties too? Wert -not for such vile fawning Things as thou art, young Nobles -wou'd not long be what they are: They'd grow -asham'd of Luxury and Ease, and rouse up the old Spirit -of their Fathers; leave the pursuit of a poor frightned -Hare, and make their Foes to tremble in their stead; furnish -their Heads with Sciences and Arts, and fill their -Hearts with Honour, Truth and Friendship; Be generous -to some, and just to all; drive home their Creditors -with Bags of Gold, instead of chasing 'em away with -Swords and Staves; be faithful to their King and Country -both, and stab the Offerer of a Bribe from either; -blush even at a wandering Thought of Vice, and boldly -own they durst be Friends to Virtue; trembling at nothing -but the Frowns of Heaven, and be no more asham'd -of Him that made 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] If I stand to hear this Crump preach -a little longer, I shall be Fool enough perhaps to be -bubbled out of my Livelyhood, and so lose a Bird in the -Hand for two in the Bush. Sir, since I have not been -able to bring you to a good Opinion of yourself, 'tis very -probable I shall scarce prevail with you to have one of -me. But if you please to do me the favour to forget me, -I shall ever acknowledge myself——Sir, your most -obedient, faithful, humble Servant.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Hold; if I let thee go, and give thee nothing,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span> -thou'lt be apt to grumble at me; and therefore——who -waits there?</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] I don't like his Looks, by Gad.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I'll present thee with a Token of my Love.</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> A—another time, Sir, will do as well.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> No; I love to be out of Debt, tho' 'tis being -out of the Fashion. So, d'ye hear! Give this honest -Gentleman half a score good Strokes on the Back with a -Cudgel.</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> By no means in the World, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Indeed, Sir, you shall take 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> Sir, I don't merit half your Bounty.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> O 'tis but a Trifle!</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> Your Generosity makes me blush.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Looking about to make his Escape.</em></p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> That's your Modesty, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Quaint.</em> Sir, you are pleased to compliment. But -a——twenty Pedigrees for a clear Coast.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Running off, the Servant after him.</em></p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Wait upon him down Stairs, Fellow; I'd do't -myself, were I but nimble enough; but he makes haste, -to avoid Ceremony.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Servant.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Serv.</em> Sir, here's a Lady in great haste, desires to speak -with you.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Let her come in.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Aminta</span>, weeping.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Amin.</em> O Sir, if you don't help me, I'm undone.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> What, what's the Matter, Lady?</p> - -<p><em>Amin.</em> My Daughter, Sir, my Daughter's run away -with a filthy Fellow.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> A slippery Trick indeed!</p> - -<p><em>Amin.</em> For Heaven's sake, Sir, send immediately to -pursue 'em, and seize 'em. But 'tis in vain, 'twill be too -late, 'twill be too late; I'll warrant at this very Moment -they are got together in a Room with a Couch in't; all's -gone, all's gone; tho' 'twere made of Gold, 'tis lost:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span> -Oh! my Honour, my Honour. A forward Girl she was -always; I saw it in her Eyes the very Day of her Birth.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> That indeed was early; but how do you know -she's gone with a Fellow?</p> - -<p><em>Amin.</em> I have e'en her own insolent Hand-writing -for't: Sir, take but the pains to read what a Letter she -has left me.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Reads.</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p><em>I love and am belov'd, and that's the Reason I run -away.</em></p></div> - -<p>Short, but significant!—--<em>I'm sure there's no Body -knows better than your Ladyship what Allowances are to be -made to Flesh and Blood; I therefore hope this from your -Justice, that what you have done three Times yourself, -you'll pardon once in your Daughter.</em> <em>The Dickens!</em></p> - -<p><em>Amin.</em> Now, Sir, what do you think of the Business?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why truly, Lady, I think it one of the most -natural Businesses I have met with a great while. I'll -tell you a Story.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>A Crab-fish once her Daughter told,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>(In Terms that savour'd much of Scold)</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>She cou'd not bear to see her go</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Sidle, sidle, to and fro:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Devil's in the Wench, quoth she,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>When so much Money has been paid</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To polish you like me,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>It makes me almost mad to see</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Y'are still so awkward, an ungainly Jade.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Her Daughter smil'd, and look'd a-skew;</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>She answer'd (for to give her her due)</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Pertly, as most Folks Daughters do:</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Madam, your Ladyship, quoth she,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Is pleas'd to blame in me</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>What, on Enquiry, you may find,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Admits a passable Excuse,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>From a Proverb much in use,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em><span class="antiqua">That Cat will after kind</span>.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Amin.</em> Sir, I took you to be a Man better bred, than -to liken a Lady to a Crab-fish.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> What I want in Good-breeding, Lady, I have -in Truth and Honesty: As what you have wanted in -Virtue, you have had in a good Face.</p> - -<p><em>Amin.</em> Have had, Sir! What I have had, I have still; -and shall have a great while, I hope. I'm no Grandmother, -Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> But in a fair way for't, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Amin.</em> Thanks to my Daughter's Forwardness then, -not my Years. I'd have you to know, Sir, I have never -a Wrinkle in my Face. A young pert Slut! Who'd -think she shou'd know so much at her Age?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Good Masters make quick Scholars, Lady; she -has learn'd her Exercise from you.</p> - -<p><em>Amin.</em> But where's the Remedy, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> In trying if a good Example will reclaim her, -as an ill one has debauch'd her. Live private, and avoid -Scandal.</p> - -<p><em>Amin.</em> Never speak it; I can no more retire, than I -can go to Church twice on a Sunday.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> What, your youthful Blood boils in your Veins, -I'll warrant?</p> - -<p><em>Amin.</em> I have Warmth enough to endure the Air, old -Gentleman. I need not shut myself up in a House these -twenty Years.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] She takes a long Lease of Lewdness: -She'll be an admirable Tenant to Lust.</p> - -<p><em>Amin.</em> [<em>Walking hastily to and fro.</em>] People think when -a Woman is turn'd Forty, she's old enough to turn out -of the World: But I say, when a Woman is turn'd Forty, -she's old enough to have more Wit. The most can -be said is, her Face is the worse for wearing: I'll answer -for all the rest of her Fabrick. The Men wou'd be to -be pity'd, by my troth, wou'd they, if we shou'd quit -the Stage, and leave 'em nothing but a parcel of young -pert Sluts, that neither know how to speak Sense, nor -keep themselves clean. But, don't let 'em fear, we a'n't -going yet——[<em><span class="antiqua">Esop</span> stares upon her, and as she turns from -him, runs off the Stage.</em>] How now! What left alone! -An unmannerly Piece of Deformity! Methinks he might -have had Sense enough to have made Love to me. But<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span> -I have found Men strangely dull for the last ten or twelve -Years: Sure they'll mend in Time, or the World won't -be worth living in.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>For let Philosophers say all they can,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Source of Women's Joys is plac'd in Man.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directright">[Exit.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Learchus</span> and <span class="antiqua">Euphronia</span>, <span class="antiqua">Doris</span> following at -a Distance.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> [<em>To Euph.</em>] I must tell you, Mistress, I'm too mild -with you; Parents shou'd never intreat their Children, -nor will I hereafter. Therefore, in a Word, let <em>Esop</em> -be lov'd, let <em>Oronces</em> be hated; let one be a Peacock, -let t'other be a Bat: I'm Father, you are Daughter; -I command, and you shall obey.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> I never yet did otherwise; nor shall I now, -Sir; but pray let Reason guide you.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> So it does: But 'tis my own, not yours, Hussy.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Ah—Well, I'll say no more; but were I in her -Place, by the Mass, I'd have a tug for't.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Dæmon, born to distract me! Whence art -thou, in the Name of Fire and Brimstone? Have I not -satisfy'd thee? Have I not paid thee what's thy due? -And have not I turn'd thee out of Doors, with Orders -never more to stride my Threshold, ha? Answer, abominable -Spirit; what is't that makes thee haunt me?</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> A foolish Passion to do you good, in spite of -your Teeth: Pox on me for my Zeal, I say.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> And Pox on thee, and thy Zeal too, I say.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Now if it were not for her Sake more than for -yours, I'd leave all to your own Management, to be reveng'd -of you. But rather than I'll see that sweet -Thing sacrificed—I'll play the Devil in your House.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Patience, I summon thee to my Aid.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Passion, I defy thee; to the last Drop of my -Blood I'll maintain my Ground. What have you to -charge me with? Speak! I love your Child better than -you do, and you can't bear that, ha? Is't not so? Nay, -'tis well y'are asham'd on't; there's some Sign of Grace -still. Look you, Sir, in a few Words, you'll make me<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span> -mad; and 'twere enough to make any Body mad (who -has Brains enough to be so) to see so much Virtue -shipwreck'd at the very Port. The World never saw a -Virgin better qualify'd; so witty, so discreet, so modest, -so chaste: in a Word, I brought her up myself, -and 'twould be the Death of me to see so virtuous a -Maid become a lewd Wife; which is the usual Effect -of Parents Pride and Covetousness.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> How, Strumpet! wou'd any Thing be able to -debauch my Daughter?</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Your Daughter! Yes, your Daughter, and myself -into the Bargain: A Woman's but a Woman; and -I'll lay a hundred Pound on Nature's side. Come, Sir, -few Words dispatch Business. Let who will be the -Wife of <em>Esop</em>, she's a Fool, or he's a Cuckold. But -you'll never have a true Notion of this Matter, till -you suppose yourself in your Daughter's Place. As -thus: You are a pretty, soft, warm, wishing young Lady: -I'm a straight, proper, handsome, vigorous, young -Fellow. You have a peevish, positive, covetous, old -Father, and he forces you to marry a little, lean, crooked, -dry, sapless Husband. This Husband's gone abroad, -you are left at home. I make you a Visit; find -you all alone: the Servant pulls to the Door; the Devil -comes in at the Window. I begin to wheedle, you -begin to melt: you like my Person, and therefore believe -all I say: so first I make you an Atheist, and then -I make you a Whore. Thus the World goes, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Pernicious Pestilence! Has not thy eternal -Tongue run down its Larum yet?</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Yes.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Then go out of my House, Abomination.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> I'll not stir a Foot.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Who waits there? Bring me my great Stick.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Bring you a Stick! Bring you a Head-piece: -That you'd call for, if you knew your own wants.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Death and Furies, the Devil and so forth! I -shall run distracted.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Pray, Sir, don't be so angry at her. I'm sure -she means well, tho' she may have an odd way of expressing -herself.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> What, you like her meaning? Who doubts it, -Offspring of <em>Venus</em>? But I'll make you stay your Stomach -with Meat of my chusing, you liquorish young -Baggage you. In a Word, <em>Esop</em>'s the Man; and to-morrow -he shall be your Lord and Master. But since -he can't be satisfied unless he has your Heart, as well -as all the rest of your Trumpery, let me see you receive -him in such a Manner that he may think himself your -Choice as well as mine; 'twill make him esteem your -Judgment: For we usually guess at other People's Understandings, -by their approving our Actions and liking -our Faces. See here, the great Man comes! [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Dor</span>.</em>] -Follow me, Insolence; and leave 'em to express their -Passion to each other. [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Euph</span>.</em>] Remember my last -Word to you is, Obey.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Euph.</span> aside.</em>] And remember my last Advice -to you is, Rebel.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Lear.</span> <span class="antiqua">Dor.</span> following him.</em></p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Alas, I'm good-natured; the last Thing that's -said to me usually leaves the deepest Impression.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>; they stand some Time without speaking.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em>—They say, That Lovers, for want of Words, -have Eyes to speak with. I'm afraid you do not understand -the Language of mine, since yours, I find, will -make no Answer to 'em. But I must tell you, Lady, -there is a numerous Train of youthful Virgins, that are -endow'd with Wealth and Beauty too, who yet have -thought it worth their Pains and Care to point their -Darts at <em>Esop</em>'s homely Breast; whilst you so much contemn -what they pursue, that a young senseless Fop's -preferr'd before me.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Did you but know that Fop you dare to term -so, his very Looks wou'd fright you into nothing.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> A very Bauble.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> How!</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> A Butterfly.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> I can't bear it.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> A Parroquet can prattle and look gaudy.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> It may be so; but let me paint him and you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span> -in your proper Colours, I'll do it exactly, and you shall -judge which I ought to chuse.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> No, hold; I'm naturally not over-curious; besides, -'tis Pride makes People have their Pictures drawn.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Upon my Word, Sir, you may have yours taken -a hundred times before any Body will believe 'tis -done upon that Account.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] How severe she is upon me! You are -resolv'd then to persist, and be fond of your Feather; -sigh for a Perriwig, and die for a Cravat string.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Methinks, Sir, you might treat with more respect -what I've thought fit to own I value; your Affronts -to him are doubly such to me; if you continue -your provoking Language, you must expect my Tongue -will sally too; and if you are as wise as some would -make you, you can't but know I shou'd have Theme -enough.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> But is it possible you can love so much as you -pretend?</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Why do you question it?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Because Nobody loves so much as they pretend: -But hark you, young Lady: Marriage is to last a long, -long Time; and where one Couple bless the sacred -Knot, a Train of Wretches curse the Institution. You -are in an Age where Hearts are young and tender; a -pleasing Object gets Admittance soon. But since to -Marriage there's annexed this dreadful Word, <em>For ever</em>, -the following Example ought to move you:</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>A Peacock once, of splendid show,</em><br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Gay, gaudy, foppish, vain——a Beau,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Attack'd a fond young Pheasant's Heart</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With such Success,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He pleas'd her, tho' he made her smart;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He pierc'd her with so much Address,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>She smil'd the Moment that he fixt his Dart.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>A Cuckow in a neighbouring Tree,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Rich, honest, ugly, old——like me,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Lov'd her as he lov'd his Life:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>No pamper'd Priest e'er study'd more</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To make a virtuous Nun a Whore,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Than he to get her for his Wife:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But all his Offers still were vain,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>His Limbs were weak, his Face was plain;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Beauty, Youth, and Vigour weigh'd</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With the warm desiring Maid:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>No Bird, she cry'd, wou'd serve her turn,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But what cou'd quench as well as burn;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>She'd have a young Gallant: so one she had.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But 'ere a Month was come and gone,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Bride began to change her tone,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>She found a young Gallant was an inconstant one.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>She wander'd to a neighbouring Grove,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Where after musing long on Love,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>She told her Confidant, she found,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>When for one's Life one must be bound,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>(Tho' Youth indeed was a delicious Bait)</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>An aged Husband, rich, tho' plain,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Wou'd give a slavish Wife less Pain;</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And, what was more, was sooner slain,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Which was a Thing of Weight.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p>Behold, young Lady, here, the Cuckow of the Fable; -I'm deform'd, 'tis true, yet I have found the Means to -make a Figure amongst Men, that well has recompens'd -the Wrongs of Nature; my Rival's Beauty promises -you much; perhaps my homely Form might yield you -more; at least, consider on't, 'tis worth your Thought.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Euph.</em> I must confess, my Fortune wou'd be greater;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But what's a Fortune to a Heart like mine?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">'Tis true, I'm but a young Philosopher,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Yet in that little Space my Glass has run,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I've spent some Time in search of Happiness:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The fond Pursuit I soon observ'd of Riches,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Inclin'd me to enquire into their Worth:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I found their Value was not in themselves,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But in their Power to grant what we cou'd ask.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I then proceeded to my own Desires,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To know what State of Life wou'd suit with them:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I found 'em moderate in their Demands,<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span> -<span class="i0">They neither ask'd for Title, State, or Power:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">They slighted the aspiring Post of Envy:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">'Tis true, they trembled at the Name Contempt;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A general Esteem was all they wish'd;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And that I did not doubt might be obtain'd,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">If furnish'd but with Virtue and Good-nature;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My Fortune prov'd sufficient to afford me<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Conveniences of Life, and Independence.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">This, Sir, was the Result of my Enquiry;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And by this Scheme of Happiness I build,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">When I prefer the Man I love to you.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> How wise, how witty, and how cleanly, young -Women grow, as soon as ever they are in love!</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> How foppish, how impertinent, and how nauseous -are old Men, when they pretend to be so too!</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> How pert is Youth!</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> How dull is Age!</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why so sharp, young Lady?</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Why so blunt, old Gentleman?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> 'Tis enough; I'll to your Father, I know how -to deal with him, though I don't know how to deal with -you. Before to-morrow Noon, Damsel, Wife shall be -written on your Brow.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Then before to-morrow Night, Statesman, -Husband shall be stampt upon your Forehead.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Euph</span>.</em></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-272.jpg" width="700" height="40" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_IV4" id="ACT_IV4"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> IV.</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Oronces</span> and <span class="antiqua">Doris</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">P</span>atience</span>, I beseech you.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Patience! What, and see that lovely -Creature thrown into the Arms of that pedantick Monster! -'Sdeath, I'd rather see the World reduc'd to -A'toms, Mankind turn'd into Crawfish, and myself an -old Woman.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> So you think an old Woman a very unfortunate -thing, I find; but you are mistaken, Sir; she may -plague other Folks, but she's as entertaining to herself, -as any one Part of the Creation.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> [<em>Walking to and fro.</em>] She's the Devil——and -I'm one of the damn'd, I think. But I'll make somebody -howl for't; I will so.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> You'll e'en do as all the young Fellows in the -Town do, spoil your own Sport: Ah——had young -Mens Shoulders but old Courtiers Heads upon 'em, what -a delicious Time wou'd they have on't! For shame, be -wise; for your Mistress's sake at least use some Caution.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> For her sake I'll respect, even like a Deity, her -Father. He shall strike me, he shall tread upon me, -and find me humbler even than a crawling Worm, for -I'll not turn again; but for <em>Esop</em>, that unfinish'd Lump, -that Chaos of Humanity, I'll use him——nay, expect -it, for I'll do it——the first Moment that I'll -see him, I'll——</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Not challenge him, I hope——'Twould be -a pretty sight, truly, to see <em>Esop</em> drawn up in Battalia! -Fye for shame, be wise once in your Life; think of gaining -Time, by putting off the Marriage for a Day or two, -and not of waging War with a Pigmy. Yonder's the -old Gentleman walking by himself in the Gallery; go -and wheedle him, you know his weak side; he's good-natur'd -in the bottom. Stir up his old fatherly Bowels -a little, I'll warrant you'll move him at last: go, get -you gone, and play your Part discreetly.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Well, I'll try; but if Words won't do with -one, Blows shall with t'other; by Heavens, they shall.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit. <span class="antiqua">Oron</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Doris <span class="antiqua">sola</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Nay, I reckon we shall have rare work on't bye and -bye. Shield us, kind Heaven! what Things are Men -in love? Now they are Stocks and Stones; then they -are Fire and Quick-silver; first whining and crying, -then swearing and damning: This Moment they are -in Love, and next Moment they are out of Love: Ah—cou'd -we but live without 'em—but 'tis in vain to think -on't.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Esop</span> at one side of the Stage, Mrs. <span class="antiqua">Forge-will</span> -at t'other.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Forg.</em> Sir, I'm your most devoted Servant! What I -say is no Compliment, I do assure you.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Madam, as far as you are really mine, I believe -I may venture to assure you, I am yours.</p> - -<p><em>Forg.</em> I suppose, Sir, you know that I'm a Widow.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Madam, I don't so much as know you are a -Woman.</p> - -<p><em>Forg.</em> O surprizing! Why, I thought the whole Town -had known it. Sir, I have been a Widow this Twelvemonth.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> If a Body may guess at your Heart by your -Petticoat, Lady, you don't design to be so a Twelvemonth -more.</p> - -<p><em>Forg.</em> O bless me! Not a Twelvemonth! Why, my -Husband has left me four squalling Brats. Besides, Sir, -I'm undone.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> You seem as chearful an undone Lady as I have -met with.</p> - -<p><em>Forg.</em> Alas, Sir, I have too great a Spirit ever to let -Afflictions spoil my Face. Sir, I'll tell you my Condition; -and that will lead me to my Business with you. -Sir, my Husband was a Scriviner.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> The deuce he was: I thought he had been a -Count, at least.</p> - -<p><em>Forg.</em> Sir, it is not the first Time I have been taken -for a Countess; my Mother us'd to say, as I lay in my -Cradle, I had the Air of a Woman of Quality; and -truly I have always liv'd like such. My Husband, indeed, -had something sneaking in him (as most Husbands -have, you know, Sir); but, from the Moment I -set Foot in his House, bless me, what a Change was -there! His Pewter was turn'd into Silver, his Goloshoes -into a Glass Coach, and his little travelling Mare into -a Pair of <em>Flanders</em> Horses. Instead of a greasy Cook-maid -to wait at Table, I had four tall Footmen in clean -Linen; all Things became new and fashionable, and -nothing look'd aukward in my Family. My Furniture<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span> -was the Wonder of my Neighbourhood, and my Clothes -the Admiration of the whole Town; I had a Necklace -that was envy'd by the Queen, and a Pair of Pendants -that set a Dutchess a-crying. In a Word, I saw nothing -I lik'd but I bought it; and my Husband, good -Man, durst ne'er refuse paying for't. Thus I liv'd, and -I flourish'd, till he sicken'd and dy'd: but ere he was -cold in his Grave, his Creditors plunder'd my House. -But, what pity it was to see Fellows with dirty Shoes -come into my best Rooms, and touch my Hangings -with their filthy Fingers! You won't blame me, Sir, if, -with all my Courage, I weep at this sensible Part of my -Misfortune.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> A very sad Story, truly!</p> - -<p><em>Forg.</em> But now, Sir, to my Business. Having been -inform'd this Morning, That the King has appointed a -great Sum of Money for the Marriage of young Women -who have liv'd well, and are fallen to decay, I am -come to acquaint you I have two strapping Daughters, -just fit for the Matter, and to desire you'll help 'em to -Portions out of the King's Bounty; that they mayn't -whine and pine, and be eaten up with the Green-sickness, -as half the young Women in the Town are, or -wou'd be, if there were not more Helps for the Disease -than one. This, Sir, is my Business.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> And this, Madam, is my Answer:</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i2"><em>A crawling Toad, all speckled o'er,</em><br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Vain, gaudy, painted, patch'd——a Whore,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Seeing a well-fed Ox hard by,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Regards him with an envious Eye,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And (as the Poets tell)</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Ye Gods, I cannot bear't, quoth she,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>I'll burst, or be as big as he,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And so began to swell.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>Her Friends and Kindred round her came,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They shew'd her she was much to blame,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Thing was out of reach.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>She told 'em they were busy Folk,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And when her Husband wou'd have spoke,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>She bid him kiss her Br——.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With that they all e'en gave her o'er,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And she persisted as before,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Till with a deal of Strife</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>She swell'd at last so much her Spleen,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>She burst like one that we have seen,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Who was a Scrivener's Wife.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p>This, Widow, I take to be your Case, and that of a -great many others; for this is an Age where most People -get Falls, by clambering too high, to reach at what -they should not do. The Shoemaker's Wife reduces her -Husband to a Cobler, by endeavouring to be as spruce -as the Taylor's: The Taylor's brings hers to a Botcher, -by going as fine as the Mercer's: The Mercer's lowers -hers to a Foreman, by perking up to the Merchant's: -The Merchant's wears hers to a Broker, by strutting up -to Quality: And Quality bring theirs to nothing, by -striving to out-do one another. If Women were humbler, -Men wou'd be honester. Pride brings Want, -Want makes Rogues, Rogues come to be hang'd, and -the Devil alone's the Gainer. Go your ways home, -Woman; and as your Husband maintain'd you by his -Pen, maintain yourself by your Needle; put your great -Girls to service, Imployment will keep them honest; -much Work and plain Diet will cure the Green-Sickness -as well as a Husband——</p> - -<p><em>Forg.</em> Why, you pityful Pigmy; preaching, canting, -Pickthank; you little, sorry, crooked, dry, wither'd -Eunuch, do you know that——</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I know that I'm so deform'd you han't Wit -enough to describe me: But I have this good Quality, -That a foolish Woman can never make me angry.</p> - -<p><em>Forg.</em> Can't she so? I'll try that, I will.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>She falls -upon him, holds his Hands, and boxes his Ears.</em></p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Help, help, help.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Servants. She runs off, they after her.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Nay, e'en let her go——let her go——don't -bring her back again——I'm for making a Bridge of -Gold for my Enemy to retreat upon——I'm quite out of -Breath——A terrible Woman, I protest.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter a Country Gentleman drunk, in a hunting Dress, -with a Huntsman, Groom, Falconer, and other Servants; -one leading a couple of Hounds, another Grey-Hounds, -a third a Spaniel, a fourth a Gun upon his -Shoulder, the Falconer a Hawk upon his Fist, <span class="antiqua">&c.</span></em> -</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Haux, haux, haux, haux, haux! Joular, there -Boy, Joular, Joular, Tinker, Pedlar, Miss, Miss, Miss, -Miss, Miss—Blood and Oons—O there he is; that -must be he, I have seen his Picture [<em>Reeling upon</em> Esop].—Sir,—if -your Name's <em>Esop</em>—I'm your humble -Servant.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Sir, my Name is <em>Esop</em>, at your Service.</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Why then, Sir—Compliments being past on -both sides, with your leave—we'll proceed to Business. -Sir, I'm by Profession—a Gentleman of—three -thousand Pounds a Year—Sir, I keep a good -Pack of Hounds, a good Stable of Horses. [<em>To his -Groom.</em>] How many Horses have I, Sirrah?—Sir, this -is my Groom.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Presenting him to <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Groom.</em> Your Worship has six Coach-horses, (Cut and -Long-Tail) two Runners, half a dozen Hunters, four -breeding Mares, and two blind Stallions, besides Pads, -Routs, and Dog-Horses.</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Look you there, Sir, I scorn to tell a Lye. -He that questions my Honour—he's a Son of a -Whore. But to Business—Having heard, Sir, that -you were come to this Town, I have taken the Pains to -come hither too, tho' I had a great deal of Business upon -my Hands, for I have appointed three <em>Justices of the -Peace</em> to hunt with 'em this Morning——and be -drunk with 'em in the Afternoon. But the main Chance -must be look'd to—and that's this——I desire, Sir, -you'll tell the King from me—I don't like these Taxes—in -one Word, as well as in twenty—I don't like -these Taxes.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Pray, Sir, how high may you be tax'd?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> How high may I be tax'd, Sir! Why I may be -tax'd, Sir—four Shillings in the Pound, Sir; one half -I pay in Money—and t'other half I pay in Perjury, Sir:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span> -Hey, Joular, Joular, Joular. Haux, haux, haux, haux, -haux. Hoo, hoo——Here's the best Hound-bitch in -<em>Europe</em>——Oons is she. And I had rather kiss her than -kiss my Wife——Rot me if I had not——But, Sir, I -don't like these Taxes.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why how wou'd you have the War carry'd on?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> War carried on, Sir!—--Why, I had rather -have no War carried on at all, Sir, than pay Taxes. -I don't desire to be ruin'd, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why you say, you have three thousand Pounds -a Year.</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> And so I have, Sir——<em>Lett-Acre!</em>——Sir, this -is my Steward. How much Land have I, <em>Lett-Acre</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Lett-Acre.</em> Your Worship has three thausand Paunds -a Year, as good Lond as any's i'th' Caunty; and two -thausand Paunds worth of Wood to cut dawne at your -Worship's Pleasure, and put the Money in your Pocket.</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Look you there, Sir, what have you to say to -that?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I have to say, Sir, that you may pay your Taxes -in Money, instead of Perjury, and still have a better Revenue -than I'm afraid you deserve. What Service do -you do your King, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> None at all, Sir—I'm above it.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> What Service may you do your Country, pray?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> I'm Justice of the Peace——and Captain of -the Militia.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Of what use are you to your Kindred?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> I'm the Head of the Family, and have all the -Estate.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> What Good do you do your Neighbours?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> I give them their Bellies full of Beef every time -they come to see me; and make 'em so drunk, they spew -it up again before they go away.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> How do you use your Tenants?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Why, I skrew up their Rents till they break -and run away, and if I catch 'em again, I let 'em rot -in a Gaol.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> How do you treat your Wife?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> I treat her all Day with Ill-nature and Tobacco, -and all Night with snoring and a dirty Shirt.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> How do you breed your Children?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> I breed my eldest Son——a Fool; my youngest -breed themselves, and my Daughters——have no -Breeding at all.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> 'Tis very well, Sir; I shall be sure to speak to -the King of you; or if you think fit to remonstrate to -him, by way of Petition or Address, how reasonable it -may be to let Men of your Importance go Scot-free, in -the Time of a necessary War, I'll deliver it in Council, -and speak to it as I ought.</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Why, Sir, I don't disapprove your Advice, -but my Clerk is not here, and I can't spell well.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> You may get it writ at your leisure, and send -it me. But because you are not much used to draw up -Addresses, perhaps; I'll tell you in general what kind -of one this ought to be.</p> -<hr class="tb" /> -<p><em>May it please your Majesty</em>——</p> - -<p><em>To the Gent.</em>] You'll excuse me, if I don't know your -Name and Title.</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Sir <em>Polydorus Hogstye</em>, of <em>Beast-Hall</em> in <em>Swine-County</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Very well.</p> - -<p><em>May it please your Majesty; <span class="antiqua">Polydorus Hogstye</span>, of -<span class="antiqua">Beast-hall</span> in <span class="antiqua">Swine-County</span>, most humbly represents, That -he hates to pay Taxes, the dreadful Consequences of 'em being -inevitably these, That he must retrench two Dishes in -ten, where not above six of 'em are design'd for Gluttony.</em></p> - -<p><em>Four Bottles out of twenty; where not above fifteen of -'em are for Drunkenness.</em></p> - -<p><em>Six Horses out of thirty; of which not above twenty -are kept for State.</em></p> - -<p><em>And four Servants out of a Score; where one half do -nothing but make Work for t'other.</em></p> - -<p><em>To this deplorable Condition must your important Subject -be reduc'd, or forc'd to cut down his Timber, which he -wou'd willingly persevere against an ill run at Dice.</em></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>And as to the Necessity of the War for the Security of the -Kingdom, he neither knows nor cares whether it be necessary -or not.</em></p> - -<p><em>He concludes with his Prayers for your Majesty's Life, -upon Condition you will protect him and his Fox Hounds at -Beast-Hall, without e'er a Penny of Money.</em></p> - -<p><em>To the Gent.</em>] This, Sir, I suppose, is much what you -wou'd be at.</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Exactly, Sir; I'll be sure to have one drawn up -to the self-same purpose: and next Fox-Hunting I'll -engage half the Company shall set their Hands to't. -Sir, I am your——most devoted Servant; and if you -please to let me see you at <em>Beast-Hall</em>, here's my Huntsman, -<em>Houndsfoot</em>, will shew you a Fox shall lead you -through so many Hedges and Briars, you shall have no -more Clothes on your Back in half an Hour's Time—than -you had——in the Womb of your Mother. Haux, -haux, haux, &c.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit shouting.</em></p> - -<p>Esop. <em>O Tempora, O Mores!</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Mr. <span class="antiqua">Fruitful</span> and his Wife.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Mr. Fruit.</em> Heavens preserve the noble <em>Esop</em>, grant -him long Life and happy Days.</p> - -<p><em>Mrs. Fruit.</em> And send him a fruitful Wife, with a -hopeful Issue!</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> And what is it I'm to do for you, good People, -to make you amends for all these friendly Wishes?</p> - -<p><em>Mr. Fruit.</em> Sir, here's myself and my Wife—</p> - -<p><em>Mrs. Fruit.</em> Sir, here's I and my Husband—[<em>To her -Husband.</em>] Let me speak in my turn, Goodman <em>Forward</em>. -[<em>To <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>.</em>] Sir, here's I and my Husband, I say, -think we have as good Pretensions to the King's Favour -as ever a Lord in the Land.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> If you have no better than some Lords in the -Land, I hope you won't expect much for your Service.</p> - -<p><em>Mr. Fruit.</em> An't please you, you shall be Judge yourself.</p> - -<p><em>Mrs. Fruit.</em> That's as he gives Sentence, Mr. <em>Littlewit</em>; -who gave you Power to come to a Reference? If -he does not do us right, the King himself shall; what's -to be done here! [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>.</em>] Sir, I'm forc'd to correct<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span> -my Husband a little; poor Man, he is not us'd to Court-Business; -but to give him his due, he's ready enough -at some Things: Sir, I have had twenty fine Children -by him; fifteen of 'em are alive, and alive like to be; -five tall Daughters are wedded and bedded, and ten -proper Sons serve their King and their Country.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> A goodly Company, upon my Word!</p> - -<p><em>Mrs. Fruit.</em> Would all Men take as much Pains for -the peopling of the Kingdom, we might tuck up our -Aprons, and cry, A Fig for our Enemies; but we have -such a Parcel of Drones amongst us——Hold up your -Head, Husband——He's a little out of Countenance, -Sir, because I chid him; but the Man is a very good -Man at the Bottom. But to come to my Business, Sir, -I hope his Majesty will think it reasonable to allow me -something for the Service I have done him; 'tis pity but -Labour shou'd be encourag'd, especially when what one -has done, one has done't with a Good-will.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> What Profession are you of, good People?</p> - -<p><em>Mrs. Fruit.</em> My Husband's an Inn-keeper, Sir; he -bears the Name, but I govern the House.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> And what Posts are your Sons in, in the Service?</p> - -<p><em>Mrs. Fruit.</em>. Sir, there are four Monks.</p> - -<p><em>Mr. Fruit.</em> Three Attorneys.</p> - -<p><em>Mrs. Fruit.</em> Two Scriveners.</p> - -<p><em>Mr. Fruit.</em> And an Exciseman.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> The deuce o'the Service; why, I thought they -had been all in the Army.</p> - -<p><em>Mrs. Fruit.</em> Not one, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> No, so it seems, by my Troth: Ten Sons that -serve their Country, quotha! Monks, Attorneys, Scriveners -and Excisemen, serve their Country with a Vengeance: -you deserve to be rewarded, truly; you deserve -to be hang'd, you wicked People, you. Get you gone -out of my sight: I never was so angry in my Life.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Mr. Fruit. to his Wife.</em>] So; who's in the right now, -you or I? I told you what wou'd come on't; you must be -always a Breeding, and Breeding, and the King wou'd<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span> -take Care of 'em, and the Queen wou'd take Care of -'em: And always some Pretence or other there was. -But now we have got a great Kennel of Whelps, and -the Devil will take Care of 'em, for aught I see. For -your Sons are all Rogues, and your Daughters are all -Whores; you know they are.</p> - -<p><em>Mrs. Fruit.</em> What, you are a grudging of your Pains -now, you lazy, sluggish, flegmatick Drone. You have -a Mind to die of a Lethargy, have you? but I'll raise -your Spirits for you, I will so. Get you gone home, -go; go home, you idle Sot, you; I'll raise your Spirits -for you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit, pushing him before her.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Re-enter <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Esop. solus.</em>] Monks, Attorneys, Scriveners, and Excisemen!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Oronces</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> O here he is. Sir, I have been searching for -you, to say two Words to you.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> And now you have found me, Sir, what are -they?</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> They are, Sir——that my Name's Oronces: -You comprehend me.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I comprehend your Name.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> And not my Business?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Not I, by my Troth.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Then I shall endeavour to teach it you, Monsieur -<em>Esop</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> And I to learn it, Monsieur <em>Oronces</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Know, Sir——that I admire <em>Euphronia</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Know, Sir——that you are in the right on't.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> But I pretend, Sir, that Nobody else shall admire -her.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Then I pretend, Sir, she won't admire you.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Why so, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Because, Sir——</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> What, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> She's a Woman, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> What then, Sir?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why, then, Sir, she desires to be admir'd by -every Man she meets.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Sir, you are too familiar.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Sir, you are too haughty; I must soften that -harsh Tone of yours: It don't become you, Sir; it -makes a Gentleman appear a Porter, Sir: And that -you may know the Use of good Language, I'll tell you -what once happen'd. <em>Once an a Time</em>——</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> I'll have none of your old Wives Fables, Sir, -I have no Time to lose; therefore, in a Word——</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> In a Word, be mild: For nothing else will do -you Service. Good Manners and soft Words have -brought many a difficult Thing to pass. Therefore -hear me patiently.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i2"><em>A Cook one Day, who had been drinking,</em><br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span> -<span class="i0"><em>(Only as many Times, you know,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>You spruce, young, witty Beaux will do,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To avoid the dreadful Pain of thinking)</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Had Orders sent him to behead</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>A Goose, like any Chaplain fed.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He took such Pains to set his Knife right,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>'T had done one good t'have lost one's Life by't.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But many Men have many Minds,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>There's various Tastes in various Kinds:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>A Swan (who by Mistake he seiz'd)</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With wretched Life was better pleas'd:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For as he went to give the Blow,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>In tuneful Notes she let him know,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>She neither was a Goose, nor wish'd</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To make her <span class="antiqua">Exit</span> so.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>The Cook (who thought of nought but Blood,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Except it were the Grease,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For that you know's his Fees)</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To hear her sing, in great Amazement stood.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Cod's fish! quoth he, 'twas well you spoke,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For I was just upon the Stroke:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Your Feathers have so much of Goose,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>A drunken Cook cou'd do no less</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Than think you one: That you'll confess:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But y' have a Voice so soft, so sweet,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>That rather than you shall be eat,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The House shall starve for want of Meat:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And so he turn'd her loose.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>To <span class="antiqua">Oron</span>.</em>] Now, Sir, what say you? will you be the -Swan, or the Goose?</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Oron.</em> The Choice can't, sure, be difficult to make;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I hope you will excuse my youthful Heat,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Young Men and Lovers have a Claim to Pardon:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But since the Faults of Age have no such Plea,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I hope you'll be more cautious of offending.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The Flame that warms <em>Euphronia</em>'s Heart and mine,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Has long, alas! been kindled in our Breasts:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Even Years are past since our two Souls were wed,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">'Twou'd be Adultery but to wish to part 'em.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And wou'd a Lump of Clay alone content you,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A Mistress cold and senseless in your Arms,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Without the least Remains or Signs of Life,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Except her Sighs to mourn her absent Lover?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Whilst you shou'd press her in your eager Arms,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With fond Desire and Extasy of Love,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Wou'd it not pierce you to the very Soul,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To see her Tears run trickling down her Cheeks,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And know their Fountain meant 'em all to me?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Cou'd you bear this?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Yet thus the Gods revenge themselves on those<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Who stop the happy Course of mutual Love.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">If you must be unfortunate one way,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Choose that where Justice may support your Grief,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And shun the weighty Curse of injur'd Lovers.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Esop.</em> Why, this is pleading like a Swan, indeed!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Were any Thing at Stake but my <em>Euphronia</em>——<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Oron.</em> Your <em>Euphronia</em>! Sir——<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Esop.</em> The Goose——take heed——<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Were any Thing, I say, at Stake but her,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Your Plea wou'd be too strong to be refus'd.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But our Debate's about a Lady, Sir,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That's young, that's beautiful, that's made for Love.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">----So am not I, you'll say: But you're mistaken;<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</a></span> -<span class="i0">I'm made to love, tho' not to be belov'd.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I have a Heart like yours; I've Folly too:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I've every Instrument of Love like others.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Oron.</em> But, Sir, you have not been so long a Lover;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Your Passion's young and tender,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">'Tis easy for you to become its Master:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Whilst I shou'd strive in vain; mine's old and fixt.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> The older 'tis, the easier to be govern'd; -Were mine of as long a standing, 'twere possible I might -get the better on't. Old Passions are like old Men; -weak, and soon jostled into the Kennel.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Yet Age sometimes is strong, even to the Verge -of Life.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Ah, but there our Comparison don't hold.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> You are too merry to be much in Love.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> And you too sad to be so long.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> My grief may end my Days, so quench my -Flame, but nothing else can e'er extinguish it.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Don't be discourag'd, Sir, I have seen many a -Man outlive his Passion twenty Years.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> But I have sworn to die <em>Euphronia</em>'s Slave.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> A decay'd Face always absolves a Lover's Oath.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Lovers whose Oaths are made to Faces, then; -But 'tis <em>Euphronia</em>'s Soul that I adore, which never can -decay.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I wou'd fain see a young Fellow in love with a -Soul of Threescore.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Oron.</em> Quit but <em>Euphronia</em> to me, and you shall;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">At least if Heaven's Bounty will afford us<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But Years, enow to prove my Constancy,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And this is all I ask the Gods and you.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Oron</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Esop</span> solus.</em> -</p> - -<p>A good Pretence, however, to beg long Life. How -grosly do the Inclinations of the Flesh impose upon the -Simplicity of the Spirit! Had this young Fellow but -study'd Anatomy, he'd have found the Source of his -Passion lay far from his Mistress's Soul. Alas! alas! -Had Women no more Charms in their Bodies, than what -they have in their Minds, we should see more wise Men -in the World, and much fewer Lovers and Poets.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-286.jpg" width="700" height="41" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_V4" id="ACT_V4"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> V.</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Euphronia</span> and <span class="antiqua">Doris</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">H</span>eavens!</span> what is't you make me do, <em>Doris</em>? -Apply myself to the Man I loath; beg Favours -from him I hate; seek a Reprieve from him I abhor; -'tis low, 'tis mean, 'tis base in me.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Why, you hate the Devil as much as you do -<em>Esop</em>, or within a small Matter, and should you think it -a Scandal to pray him to let you alone a Day or two, if -he were going to run away with you; ha?</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> I don't know what I think, nor what I say, -nor what I do: But sure thou'rt not my Friend thus to -advise me.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> I advise! I advise nothing; e'en follow your -own way; marry him, and make much of him. I have -a mind to see some of his Breed; if you like it, I like -it: He shan't breed out of me only; that's all I have -to take Care of.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Pr'ythee don't distract me.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Why, to-morrow's the Day, fix'd and firm, you -know it; much Meat, little Order, great many Relations, -few Friends, Horse-play, Noise, and bawdy Stories; -all's ready for a complete Wedding.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Oh! what shall I do?</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Nay, I know this makes you tremble; and yet -your tender Conscience scruples to drop one hypocritical -Curtsy, and say, Pray, Mr. <em>Esop</em>, be so kind to -defer it a few Days longer.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Thou know'st I cannot dissemble.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> I know you can dissemble well enough, when -you shou'd not do't. Do you remember how you us'd -to plague your poor <em>Oronces</em>; make him believe you -loath'd him, when you cou'd have kiss'd the Ground he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</a></span> -went on; affront him in all publick Places; ridicule -him in all Company; abuse him wherever you went -And when you had reduc'd him within an Ace of hanging -or drowning, then come home with Tears in your -Eyes, and cry, Now, <em>Doris</em>, let's go lock ourselves up, -and talk of my dear <em>Oronces</em>: Is not this true?</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Yes, yes, yes. But, pr'ythee, have some Compassion -of me. Come, I'll do any thing thou bid'st me——What -shall I say to this Monster? Tell me, and -I'll obey thee.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Nay, then there's some hopes of you. Why, -you must tell him——'Tis natural to you to dislike -Folks at first sight: That since you have consider'd him -better, you find your Aversion abated: That tho' perhaps -it may be a hard Matter for you ever to think him -a Beau, you don't despair, in Time, of finding out his -<em>Je-ne-sçai-quoy</em>. And that on t'other side, tho' you -have hitherto thought (as most young Women do) that -nothing cou'd remove your first Affection, yet you have -very great Hopes in the natural Inconstancy of your -Sex. Tell him, 'tis not impossible, a Change may -happen, provided he gives you Time: But that if he -goes to force you, there's another Piece of Nature peculiar -to Women, which may chance to spoil all, and -that's Contradiction. Ring that Argument well in his -Ears: He's a Philosopher; he knows it has Weight in -it. In short, wheedle, whine, flatter, lye, weep, -spare nothing; 'tis a moist Age, Women have Tears -enow; and when you have melted him down, and -gain'd more Time, we'll employ it in Closet-debates, -how to cheat him to the end of the Chapter.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> But you don't consider, <em>Doris</em>, that by this -Means I engage myself to him; and can't afterwards -with Honour retreat.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Madam, I know the World—Honour's a Jest, -when Jilting's useful. Besides, he that wou'd have you -break your Oath with <em>Oronces</em>, can never have the Impudence -to blame you, for cracking your Word with -himself. But who knows what may happen between -the Cup and the Lip? Let either of the old Gentlemen<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</a></span> -die, and we ride triumphant. Wou'd I could but see -the Statesman sick a little, I'd recommend a Doctor to -him, a Cousin of mine, a Man of Conscience, a wise -Physician; tip but the Wink, he understands you.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Thou wicked Wench, wou'd'st poison him?</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> I don't know what I wou'd do; I think, I study, -I invent, and somehow I will get rid of him. I do more -for you, I'm sure, than you and your Knight-Errant do -together for yourselves.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Alas, both he and I do all we can; thou -know'st we do.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Nay, I know y' are willing enough to get together; -but y' are a couple of helpless Things, Heaven -knows.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Our Stars, thou see'st, are bent to Opposition.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Stars!—I'd fain see the Stars hinder me from -running away with a Man I lik'd.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Ay, but thou know'st, should I disoblige my -Father, he'd give my Portion to my younger Sister.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Ay, there the Shoe pinches, there's the Love of -the Age! Ah!—--to what an Ebb of Passion are Lovers -sunk in these Days! Give me a Woman that runs -away with a Man, when his whole Estate's pack'd up -in his Knap-sack: That tucks up her Coats to her Knees; -and thro' thick and thro' thin, from Quarters to Camp, -trudges heartily on; with a Child at her Back, another -in her Arms, and a Brace in her Belly: There's Flame -with a Witness, where this is the Effects on't. But we -must have Love in a Feather-bed: Forsooth, a Coach -and six Horses, clean Linen, and Cawdle! Fie for -shame. O ho! here comes our Man. Now shew yourself -a Woman, if you are one.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I'm told, fair Virgin, you desire to speak with -me. Lovers are apt to flatter themselves; I take your -Message for a Favour. I hope 'twas meant so.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Favours from Women are so cheap of late, -Men may expect 'em truly, without Vanity.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> If the Women are so liberal, I think the Men -are generous too, on their Side: 'Tis a well-bred Age;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</a></span> -thank Heaven; and a deal of Civility there passes between -the two Sexes. What Service is't that I can do -you, Lady?</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Sir, I have a small Favour to intreat you.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> What is't? I don't believe I shall refuse you.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> What if you shou'd promise me you won't?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why then I shou'd make a Divorce between my -Good-breeding and my Sense, which ought to be as sacred -a Knot as that of Wedlock.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Dare you not trust then, Sir, the Thing you love?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Not when the Thing I love don't love me: Never.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> Trust is sometimes the Way to be belov'd.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Ay, but 'tis oftener the way to be cheated.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Pray promise me you'll grant my Suit.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> 'Tis a reasonable one, I'll give you my word for't.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> If it be so, I do promise to grant it.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> That's still leaving yourself Judge.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why, who's more concern'd in the Trial?</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> But no Body ought to be Judge in their own Cause.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Yet he that is so, is sure to have no wrong done -him.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> But if he does wrong to others, that's worse.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Worse for them, but not for him.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> True Politician, by my troth!</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Men must be so, when they have to do with -Sharpers.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> If I shou'd tell you then there were a Possibility -I might be brought to love you, you'd scarce believe me.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I shou'd hope as a Lover, and suspect as a Statesman.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Love and Wisdom! There's the Passion -of the Age again.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> You have liv'd long, Sir, and observ'd much: -Did you never see Time produce strange Changes?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Amongst Women, I must confess I have.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Why, I'm a Woman, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why, truly, that gives me some Hopes.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> I'll encrease 'em, Sir; I have already been in -Love two Years.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> And Time, you know, wears all things to tatters.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Well observ'd.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> What, if you shou'd allow me some, to try what -I can do?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why, truly, I would have Patience a Day or -two, if there was as much Probability of my being your -new Gallant, as perhaps there may be of changing your -old one.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> She shall give you fair Play for't, Sir; Opportunity -and Leave to prattle, and that's what carries most -Women in our Days. Nay, she shall do more for you: -You shall play with her Fan; squeeze her little Finger; -buckle her Shoe; read a Romance to her in the Arbour; -and saunter in the Woods on a Moonshiny Night. -If this don't melt her, she's no Woman, or you're no -Man——</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I'm not a Man to melt a Woman that Way: I -know myself, and know what they require. 'Tis thro' -a Woman's Eye you pierce her Heart; and I've no -Darts can make their Entrance there.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> You are a great Statesman, Sir; but I find you -know little of our Matters. A Woman's Heart is to be -enter'd forty Ways. Every Sense she has about her keeps -a Door to it. With a Smock-face, and a Feather, you -get in at her Eyes. With powerful Nonsense, in soft -Words, you creep in at her Ears. An essenc'd Peruke, -and a sweet Handkerchief, lets you in at her Nose. -With a Treat, and a Box full of Sweetmeats, you slip in -at her Mouth: And if you wou'd enter by her Sense of -Feeling, 'tis as beaten a Road as the rest. What think -you now, Sir? <em>There are more Ways to the Wood than one</em>, -you see.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why, you're an admirable Pilot; I don't doubt -but you have steer'd many a Ship safe to Harbour: But -I'm an old stubborn Seaman; I must sail by my own -Compass still.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> And by your Obstinacy lose your Vessel.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> No: I'm just ent'ring into Port; we'll be married -to-morrow.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> For Heaven's sake defer it some Days longer; -I cannot love you yet; indeed, I cannot.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Nor never will, I dare swear.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Why then will you marry me?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Because I love you.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> If you lov'd me, you wou'd never make me -miserable.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Not if I lov'd you for your sake; but I love you -for my own.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] There's an old Rogue for you.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> [<em>Weeping.</em>] Is there no way left? must I be -wretched?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> 'Tis but resolving to be pleas'd. You can't -imagine the Strength of Resolution. I have seen a Woman -resolve to be in the Wrong all the Days of her Life; -and by the help of her Resolution, she has kept her Word -to a Tittle.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Methinks the Subject we're upon shou'd be of -Weight enough to make you serious.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Right: To-morrow Morning pray be ready; -you'll find me so: I'm serious. Now I hope you are -pleas'd.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Turning away from her.</em></p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> [<em>Going off weeping, and leaning upon <span class="antiqua">Doris</span>.</em>] -Break, Heart! for if than hold'st, I'm miserable.</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>.</em>] Now may the Extravagance of a lewd -Wife, with the Insolence of a virtuous one, join hand -in hand to bring thy grey Hairs to the Grave.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt <span class="antiqua">Euphronia</span> and <span class="antiqua">Doris</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> My old Friend wishes me well to the last, I see.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Learchus</span> hastily, follow'd by <span class="antiqua">Oronces</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Pray hear me, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> 'Tis in vain; I'm resolv'd, I tell you. Most noble -<em>Esop</em>, since you are pleas'd to accept of my poor Offspring -for your Consort, be so charitable to my old Age, -to deliver me from the Impertinence of Youth, by making -her your Wife this Instant; for there's a Plot against -my Life; they have resolv'd to teaze me to Death to-night, -that they may break the Match to-morrow Morning. -Marry her this instant, I intreat you.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> This instant, say you!</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> This instant; this very instant.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> 'Tis enough; get all things ready; I'll be with -you in a Moment.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Now, what say you, Mr. <em>Flame-fire</em>? I shall -have the Whip-hand of you presently.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Defer it till to-morrow, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> That you may run away with her to-night; ha?——Sir, -your most obedient humble Servant. Hey, -who waits there? Call my Daughter to me: Quick. I'll -give her her Dispatches presently.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Euphronia</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> D'ye call, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Yes, I do, Minx. Go shift yourself, and put -on your best Clothes. You are to be marry'd.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Marry'd, Sir!</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Yes, marry'd, Madam; and that this Instant too.</p> - -<p><em>Euph.</em> Dear Sir——</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Not a Word: Obedience and a clean Smock; -dispatch.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Euphronia</span> weeping.</em></p> - -<p><em><span class="antiqua">Learchus</span> going off, turns to <span class="antiqua">Oronces</span>.</em>] Sir, your most -obedient humble Servant.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Yet hear what I've to say.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> And what have you to say, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Alas! I know not what I have to say!</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Very like so. That's a sure Sign he's in love now.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Have you no Bowels?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Ha, ha! Bowels in a Parent! Here's a young -Fellow for you. Hark thee, Stripling; being in a very -merry Humour, I don't care if I discover some paternal -Secrets to thee. Know then, that how humoursome, -how whimsical soever we may appear, there's one fixt -Principle that runs thro' almost the whole Race of us; -and that's to please ourselves. Why do'st think I got -my Daughter? Why, there was something in't that pleased -me. Why dost think I marry my Daughter? Why -to please myself still. And what is't that pleases me? -Why, my Interest; what do'st think it shou'd be? If -<em>Esop</em>'s my Son-in-Law, he'll make me a Lord: If thou -art my Son-in-Law——thou'lt make me a Grandfather. -Now I having more Mind to be a Lord than<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</a></span> -a Grandfather, give my Daughter to him, and not to -thee.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Then shall her Happiness weigh nothing with -you?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Not this.—If it did, I'd give her to thee, and -not to him.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Do you think forc'd Marriage the Way to keep -Women virtuous?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> No; nor I don't Care whether Women are virtuous -or not.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> You know your Daughter loves me?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> I do so.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> What, if the Children that <em>Esop</em> may happen to -father, shou'd chance to be begot by me?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Why, then <em>Esop</em> wou'd be the Cuckold, not I.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Is that all your Care?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Yes: I speak as a Father.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> What think you of your Child's Concern in -t'other World?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Why, I think it my Child's Concern, not mine. -I speak as a Father.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Do you remember you once gave me your Consent -to wed your Daughter?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> I did.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Why did you so?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Because you were the best Match that offer'd at -that Time. I did like a Father.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Why then, Sir, I'll do like a Lover. I'll make -you keep your Word, or cut your Throat.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Who waits there, ha?</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Servants.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Seize me that Bully there. Carry him to Prison, -and keep him safe.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>They seize him.</em></p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Why, you won't use me thus?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Yes, but I will tho': Away with him. Sir, -your most humble Servant: I wish you a good Night's -Rest; and as far as a merry Dream goes, my Daughter's -at your Service.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Death and Furies!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt Serv. with <span class="antiqua">Oron</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Lear. [singing.] <em>Dol, de tol dol, dol, de tol dol, Lilly -Burleighre's lodg'd in a Bough.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter a Troop of Musicians, Dancers, <span class="antiqua">&c.</span></em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> How now! What have we got here?</p> - -<p><em>Mus.</em> Sir, we are a Troop of trifling Fellows, Fiddlers -and Dancers, come to celebrate the Wedding of your fair -Daughter, if your Honour pleases to give us Leave.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> With all my Heart: But who do you take me -for, Sir; ha?</p> - -<p><em>1 Mus.</em> I take your Honour for our noble Governor of -<em>Sysicus</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Governor of <em>Sysicus</em>! Governor of a Cheese-Cake! -I'm Father-in-Law to the great <em>Esop</em>, Sirrah. [<em>All -bow to him.</em>] [<em>Aside.</em>]——I shall be a great Man. Come, -tune your Fiddles; shake your Legs; get all things -ready. My Son-in-Law will be here presently——I -shall be a great Man!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p><em>1 Mus.</em> A great Marriage, Brother! What do'st think -will be the End on't?</p> - -<p><em>2 Mus.</em> Why, I believe we shall see three Turns upon't. -This old Fellow here will turn Fool; his Daughter will -turn Strumpet; and his Son-in-Law will turn 'em both -out of Doors. But that's nothing to thee nor me, so -long as we are paid for our Fiddling. So tune away, -Gentlemen.</p> - -<p><em>1 Mus.</em> D'ye hear, Trumpets? When the Bride appears, -salute her with a melancholy Waft. 'Twill suit -her Humour; for I guess she mayn't be over-well pleas'd.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Learchus</span> with several Friends, and a Priest.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Gentlemen and Friends, y'are all welcome. I -have sent to as many of you as our short Time wou'd -give me Leave, to desire you wou'd be Witnesses of the -Honour the great <em>Esop</em> designs ourself and Family. -Hey; who attends there? Go let my Daughter know -I wait for her. [<em>Exit Servant.</em>] 'Tis a vast Honour that -is done me, Gentlemen!</p> - -<p><em>2 Gent.</em> It is, indeed, my Lord.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Look you there; if they don't call me -my Lord already——I shall be a great Man!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[Pg 281]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Euphronia</span> weeping, and leaning upon <span class="antiqua">Doris</span>, both -in deep Mourning.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> How now! What's here! All in deep Mourning! -Here's a provoking Baggage for you!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>The Trumpets sound a melancholy Air till <span class="antiqua">Esop</span> appears; -and then the Violins and Hautboys strike up a <span class="antiqua">Lancashire</span> -Hornpipe.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Esop</span> in a gay foppish Dress, Long Peruke, &c. a -gaudy Equipage of Pages and Footmen, all enter in an -airy brisk Manner.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> <em>in an affected Tone to <span class="antiqua">Euphronia</span>.</em>] Gad take my -Soul, Ma'am, I hope I shall please you now——Gentlemen -all, I'm your humble Servant. I'm going to be a -very happy Man, you see. [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Euph</span>.</em>] When the Heat -of the Ceremony's over, if your Ladyship pleases, Ma'am, -I'll wait upon you to take the Air in the Park. Hey, -Page; let there be a Coach and six Horses ready instantly. -[<em>Observing her Dress.</em>]——I vow to Gad, Ma'am, I -was so taken up with my good Fortune, I did not observe -the extreme Fancy of your Ladyship's Wedding-Clothes——Infinitely -pretty! as I hope to be sav'd; a World of -Variety, and not at all gaudy.——[<em>To <span class="antiqua">Lear</span>.</em>] My dear -Father-in-Law, embrace me.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Your Lordship does me too much Honour. -[<em>Aside.</em>]——I shall be a great Man!</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Come, Gentlemen, are all things ready? Where's -the Priest?</p> - -<p><em>Priest.</em> Here, my noble Lord.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Most Reverend——will you please to say -Grace that I may fall to, for I am very hungry, and here's -very good Meat. But where's my Rival all this while? -The least we can do, is to invite him to the Wedding.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> My Lord, he's in Prison.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> In Prison! How so?</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> He wou'd have murder'd me.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> A bloody Fellow! But let's see him, however. -Send for him quickly. Ha! Governor——that handsome -Daughter of yours, I will so mumble her——</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> I shall be a great Man!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[Pg 282]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Oronces</span> pinion'd and guarded.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> O ho, here's my Rival! Then we have all we -want. Advance, Sir, if you please. I desire you'll do -me the Favour to be a Witness to my Marriage, lest one -of these Days you shou'd take a fancy to dispute my Wife -with me.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Do you then send for me to insult me? 'Tis -base in you.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I have no Time now to throw away upon Points -of Generosity; I have hotter Work upon my Hands. -Come, Priest, advance.</p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> Pray, hold him fast there; he has the Devil and -all of Mischief in's Eye.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Euph</span>.</em>] Will your Ladyship please, Ma'am, -to give me your fair Hand——Hey-dey!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>She refuses her Hand.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lear.</em> I'll give it you, my noble Lord, if she won't. -[<em>Aside.</em>] A stubborn, self-will'd, stiff-neck'd Strumpet.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Learchus</span> holds out her Hand to <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>, who takes it; -<span class="antiqua">Oronces</span> stands on <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>'s left Hand, and the Priest -before 'em.</em></p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Let my Rival stand next me: Of all Men, I'd -have him be satisfy'd.</p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> Barbarous, inhuman Monster!</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Now, Priest, do thy Office.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Flourish with the Trumpets.</em></p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Priest.</em> Since the eternal Laws of Fate decreed,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That he thy Husband, she thy Wife shou'd be,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">May Heaven take you to its Care,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">May <em>Jupiter</em> look kindly down, <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">Place on your Heads Contentment's Crown! <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">And may his Godhead never frown <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">Upon this happy Pair.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Flourish again of Trumpets.</em></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>As the Priest pronounces the last Line, <span class="antiqua">Esop</span> joins <span class="antiqua">Oronces</span> -and <span class="antiqua">Euphronia</span>'s Hands.</em></p> - -<p><em>Oron.</em> O happy Change! Blessings on Blessings wait -on the generous <em>Esop</em>!</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Esop.</em> Happy, thrice happy, may you ever be, <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">And if you think there's something due to me, <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">Pay it in mutual Love and Constancy. <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[Pg 283]</a></span></p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Euph.</em> <em>to <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>.</em>] You'll pardon me, most generous Man,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">If in the present Transports of my Soul,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Which you yourself have by your Bounty caus'd,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My willing Tongue is ty'd from uttering<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The Thoughts that flow from a most grateful Heart.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Esop.</em> For what I've done, I merit little Thanks,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Since what I've done, my Duty bound me to.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I wou'd your Father had acquitted his:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But he who's such a Tyrant o'er his Children,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To sacrifice their Peace to his Ambition,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Is fit to govern nothing but himself.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>To <span class="antiqua">Lear</span>.</em>] And, therefore, Sir, at my return to Court,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I shall take care this City may be sway'd<br /></span> -<span class="i0">By more Humanity than dwells in you.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Lear. aside.</em>] I shall be a great man!<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Euph. To <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>.</em>] Had I not Reason, from your constant Goodness,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To judge your Bounty, Sir, is infinite,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I shou'd not dare to sue for farther Favours:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But pardon me, if imitating Heaven and you,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I easily forgive my aged Father,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And beg that <em>Esop</em> would forgive him too.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Kneeling to him.</em></p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> The Injury he wou'd have done to you was -great indeed: But 'twas a Blessing he design'd for me. -If, therefore, you can pardon him, I may. [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Lear</span>.</em>] -Your injur'd Daughter, Sir, has on her Knees intreated -for her cruel, barbarous Father; and by her Goodness -has obtain'd her Suit. If, in the Remnant of your -Days, you can find out some way to recompense her, -do it, that Men and Gods may pardon you, as she and -I have done. But, let me see, I have one Quarrel still -to make up. Where's my old Friend <em>Doris</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Dor.</em> She's here, Sir, at your Service; and as much -your Friend as ever; true to her Principles, and firm to -her Mistress. But she has a much better Opinion of -you now than she had half an Hour ago.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> She has reason: For my Soul appear'd then as -deform'd as my Body. But I hope now, one may so far -mediate for t'other, that, provided I don't make Love,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[Pg 284]</a></span> -the Women won't quarrel with me; for they are worse -Enemies even than they are Friends. Come, Gentlemen, -I'll humour my Dress a little longer, and share -with you in the Diversions these boon Companions have -prepar'd us. Let's take our Places, and see how they -can divert us.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Esop</span> leads the Bride to her Place. All being seated, -there's a short Concert of Hautboys, Trumpets, &c. -After which a Dance between an old Man and a young -Woman, who shuns him still at he comes near her. -At last he stops, and begins this Dialogue, which -they sing together.</em></p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i20">Old Man.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Why so cold, and why so coy?</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>What I want in Youth and Fire,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>I have in Love and in Desire:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To my Arms, my Love, my Joy!</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Why so cold, and why so coy?</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i20">Woman.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>'Tis Sympathy, perhaps, with you;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>You are cold, and I'm so too.</em>.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i20">Old Man.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>My Years alone have froze my Blood;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Youthful Heat in Female Charms,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Glowing in my aged Arms,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Wou'd melt it down once more into a Flood.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i20">Woman.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Women, alas, like Flints, ne'er burn alone;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To make a Virgin know</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>There's Fire within the Stone,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Some manly Steel must boldly strike the Blow.</em><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i20">Old Man.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Assist me only with your Charms,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>You'll find I'm Man, and still am bold;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>You'll find I still can strike, tho' old:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>I only want your Aid to raise my Arms.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directcenter">Enter a Youth, who seizes on the young Woman. <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[Pg 285]</a></span> -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i20">Youth.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Who talks of Charms, who talks of Aid?</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>I bring an Arm</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>That wants no Charm,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To rouze the Fire that's in a flinty Maid.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Retire, old Age:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i8"><em>——Winter, begone:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Behold the youthful Spring comes gayly on.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Here, here's a Torch to light a Virgin's Fire!</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To my Arms, my Love, my Joy;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>When Women have what they desire,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They're neither cold nor coy.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directright">[She takes him in her Arms.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>The Song and Dances ended, <span class="antiqua">Esop</span> takes <span class="antiqua">Euphronia</span> and -<span class="antiqua">Oronces</span> by the Hands, leading them forwards.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> By this Time, my young eager Couple, 'tis probable -you wou'd be glad to be alone; perhaps you'll -have a Mind to go to Bed, even without your Supper; -for Brides and Bridegrooms eat little on their Wedding-Night. -But since, if Matrimony were worn as it ought -to be, it wou'd, perhaps, sit easier about us than it usually -does, I'll give you one Word of Counsel, and so I -shall release you. When one is out of Humour, let -the other be dumb. Let your Diversions be such, as -both may have a Share in 'em. Never let Familiarity -exclude Respect. Be clean in your Clothes, but nicely -so in your Persons. Eat at one Table, lie in one Room, -but sleep in two Beds: I'll tell the Ladies why:</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i16">Turning to the Boxes.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>In the sprightly Month of May,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[Pg 286]</a><br /><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[Pg 287]</a></span> -<span class="i0"><em>When Males and Females sport and play,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And kiss and toy away the Day;</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>An eager Sparrow and his Mate,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Chirping on a Tree, were sat,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Full of Love——and full of Prate.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They talk'd of nothing but their Fires,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Of raging Heats, and strong Desires,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>How true and faithful they wou'd be;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Of eternal Constancy;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Of this and that, and endless Joys,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And a thousand more such Toys:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i4"><em>Only Thing they apprehended,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Was that their Lives wou'd be so short,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They cou'd not finish half their Sport</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Before their Days were ended.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But as from Bough to Bough they rove,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i4"><em>They chanc'd at last</em><br /></span> -<span class="i4"><em>In furious haste,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>On a Twig with Birdlime spread,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>(Want of a more downy Bed)</em><br /></span> -<span class="i4"><em>To act a Scene of Love.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Fatal it proved to both their Fires.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For tho' at length they broke away,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And baulk'd the School-Boy of his Prey,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Which made him weep the live-long Day,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Bridegroom, in the hasty strife,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Was stuck so fast to his dear Wife,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>That tho' he us'd his utmost Art,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He quickly found it was in vain,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To put himself to further Pain,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They never more must part.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>A gloomy Shade o'ercast his Brow;</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He found himself——I know not how:</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He look'd as Husbands often do.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Where-e'er he mov'd, he felt her still,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>She kiss'd him oft against his Will:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Abroad, at Home, at Bed and Board,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With favours she o'erwhelm'd her Lord.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Oft he turn'd his Head away,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And seldom had a Word to say,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Which absolutely spoil'd her Play,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For she was better stor'd.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Howe'er, at length, her stock was spent,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>(For Female Fires sometimes may be</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Subject to Mortality;)</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>So Back to Back they sit, and sullenly repent.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But the mute Scene was quickly ended,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Lady, for her share, pretended</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Want of Love lay at his Door;</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For her part, she had still in store</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Enough for him and twenty more,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Which cou'd not be contended.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He answer'd her in homely Words,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>(For Sparrows are but ill-bred Birds)</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>That he already had enjoy'd</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>So much, that truly he was cloy'd.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Which so provok'd her Spleen,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>That after some good hearty Prayers,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>A Jostle, and some spiteful Tears,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They fell together by the Ears,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And ne'er were fond again.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/wingding-301.jpg" width="700" height="453" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[Pg 288]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-302.jpg" width="700" height="82" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p class="ph2"><em>ESOP.</em> -</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="PART_II4" id="PART_II4">PART II.</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Players.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">W</span>ell</span>, good People, who are all you?</p> - -<p><em>Omnes.</em> Sir, we are Players.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Players! What Players?</p> - -<p><em>Play.</em> Why, Sir, we are Stage-Players, that's our -Calling: Tho' we play upon other Things too; some -of us play upon the Fiddle; some play upon the Flute; -we play upon one another; we play upon the Town; -and we play upon the Patentees.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Patentees! Pr'ythee, what are they?</p> - -<p><em>Play.</em> Why, they are, Sir——Sir, they are——'Cod -I don't know what they are——Fish or Flesh——Masters -or Servants——Sometimes one——Sometimes -t'other, I think——Just as we are in the Mood.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why, I thought they had a lawful Authority -over you.</p> - -<p><em>Play.</em> Lawful Authority, Sir!—--Sir, we are free-born -<em>Englishmen</em>, we care not for Law nor Authority -neither, when we are out of Humour.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> But I think they pretended at least to an Authority -over you; pray, upon what Foundation was it -built?</p> - -<p><em>Play.</em> Upon a rotten one——if you'll believe us. -Sir, I'll tell you what the Projectors did: They imbark'd -twenty thousand Pound upon a leaky Vessel——She -was built at <em>Whitehall</em>; I think they call'd her——the -Patent——ay, the Patent: Her Keel was made of a -Broad Seal——and the King gave 'em a white Staff -for their Main-Mast. She was a pretty light Frigate to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[Pg 289]</a></span> -look upon, indeed: They spar'd nothing to set her off; -they gilded her, and painted her, and rigg'd, and gunn'd -her: And so sent her a Privateering. But the first Storm -that blew, down went the Mast, ashore went the Ship—Crack, -says the Keel; Mercy, cry'd the Pilot; but the -Wind was so high, his Pray'rs cou'd not be heard—so -they split upon a Rock——that lay hid under a -Petticoat.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> A very sad Story, this! But what became of the -Ship's Company?</p> - -<p><em>Play.</em> Why, Sir, your humble Servants here, who were -the Officers, and the best of the Sailors——(little -<em>Ben</em> amongst the rest) seiz'd on a small Bark that lay to -our Hand, and away we put to Sea again. To say the -truth, we were better mann'd than rigg'd, and Ammunition -was plaguy scarce amongst us.——However, a -cruising we went, and some petty small Prizes we have -made; but the Blessing of Heaven not being among us——or -how the Devil 'tis, I cannot tell; but we are -not rich.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Well, but what became of the rest of the Crew?</p> - -<p><em>Play.</em> Why, Sir, as for the Scoundrels, they, poor -Dogs, stuck by the Wreck. The Captain gave them -Bread and Cheese, and good Words——He told them, -if they wou'd patch her up, and venture t'other Cruise, -he'd prefer 'em all; so to work they went, and to Sea -they got her.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I hope he kept his Word with 'em.</p> - -<p><em>Play.</em> That he did; he made the Boatswain's Mate -Lieutenant; he made the Cook Doctor: He was forc'd -to be Purser and Pilot, and Gunner himself; and the -Swabber took Orders to be Chaplain.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> But with such unskilful Officers, I'm afraid, -they'll hardly keep above Water long.</p> - -<p><em>Play.</em> Why truly, Sir, we care not how soon they are -under: But curst Folks thrive, I think. I know nothing -else that makes 'em swim. I'm sure, by the Rules of Navigation, -they ought to have over-set long since; for they -carry a great deal of Sail, and have very little Ballast.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I'm afraid you ruin one another. I fancy if you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[Pg 290]</a></span> -were all in a Ship together again, you'd have less Work, -and more Profit.</p> - -<p><em>Play.</em> Ah, Sir——we are resolv'd we'll never sail under -Captain Patentee again.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Pr'ythee, why so?</p> - -<p><em>Play.</em> Sir, he has us'd us like Dogs.</p> - -<p><em>Wom.</em>——And Bitches too, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I'm sorry to hear that; pray, how was't he -treated you?</p> - -<p><em>Play.</em> Sir, 'tis impossible to tell; he us'd us like the -<em>English</em> at <em>Amboyna</em>——</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> But I wou'd know some Particulars: Tell me -what 'twas he did to you?</p> - -<p><em>Play.</em> What he did, Sir?——Why, he did in the first -Place, Sir——In the first Place, Sir, he did——I'cod -I don't know what he did——Can you tell, Wife?</p> - -<p><em>Wom.</em> Yes, marry can I; and a burning Shame it was too.</p> - -<p><em>Play.</em> O, I remember now, Sir, he wou'd not give us -Plums enough in our Pudding.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> That indeed was very hard; but did he give you -as many as he promis'd you?</p> - -<p><em>Play.</em> Yes, and more; but what of all that? We had -not as many as we had a mind to——</p> - -<p><em>1 Wom.</em> Sir, my Husband tells you Truth—</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I believe he may; but what other Wrongs did -he do you?</p> - -<p><em>1 Wom.</em> Why, Sir, he did not treat me with Respect; -'twas not one Day an three he would so much as bid me -good-morrow—</p> - -<p><em>2 Wom.</em> Sir, he invited me to Dinner, and never drank -my Health.</p> - -<p><em>1 Wom.</em> Then he cock'd his Hat at Mrs. <em>Pert</em>.</p> - -<p><em>2 Wom.</em> Yes, and told Mrs. <em>Slippery</em> he had as good a -Face as she had.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why, these were insufferable Abuses—</p> - -<p><em>2 Play.</em> Then, Sir, I did but come to him one Day—and -tell him I wanted fifty Pound, and what do you -think he did by me, Sir?—Sir, he turn'd round upon -his Heel like a Top—</p> - -<p><em>1 Play.</em> But that was nothing to the Affront he put<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[Pg 291]</a></span> -upon me, Sir. I came to him, and in very civil words, -as I thought, desir'd him to double my Pay: Sir, wou'd -you believe it? He had the Barbarity to ask me if I -intended to double my Work; and because I told him -no, Sir—he did use me, good Lord, how he did use me!</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Pr'ythee how?</p> - -<p><em>1 Play.</em> Why, he walk'd off, and answered me never -a Word.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> How had you Patience?</p> - -<p><em>1 Play.</em> Sir, I had not Patience. I sent him a Challenge; -and what do you think his answer was?—He -sent me Word I was a scoundrel Son of a Whore, and he -wou'd only fight me by Proxy——</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Very fine!</p> - -<p><em>1 Play.</em> At this rate, Sir, were we poor Dogs us'd—till -one frosty Morning down he comes amongst us—and -very roundly tells us——That for the future, no -Purchase, no Pay. They that wou'd not work, shou'd -not eat——Sir, we at first ask'd him coolly and civilly——Why? -His answer was, Because the Town -wanted Diversion, and he wanted Money——Our -Reply to this, Sir, was very short; but I think to the -purpose.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> What was it?</p> - -<p><em>1 Play.</em> It was, Sir, that so we wallow'd in Plenty -and Ease——the Town and he might be damn'd——This, -Sir, is the true History of our Separation——and -we hope you'll stand our Friend——</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I'll tell you what, Sirs——</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i2"><em>I once a Pack of Beagles knew——</em><br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[Pg 292]</a></span> -<span class="i0"><em>That much resembled I know who;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With a good Huntsman at their Tail,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>In full Command,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With Whip in Hand,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They'd run apace</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The chearful Chace,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And of their Game were seldom known to fail.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But being at length their chance to find</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>A Huntsman of a gentler Kind,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They soon perceiv'd the Rein was slack;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Word went quickly thro' the Pack——</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They one and all cry'd Liberty;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>This happy Moment we are free;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>We'll range the Woods,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Like Nymphs and Gods,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And spend our Mouths in Praise of Mutiny.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With that, old <span class="antiqua">Jowler</span> trots away,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And <span class="antiqua">Bowman</span> singles out his Prey;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em><span class="antiqua">Thunder</span> bellow'd thro' the Wood,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And swore he'd burst his Guts with Blood;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em><span class="antiqua">Venus</span> tript it o'er the Plain,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With boundless Hopes of boundless Gain;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>——<span class="antiqua">Juno</span>, she slipt down the Hedge,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But left her sacred Word for Pledge,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>That all she pickt up by the by——</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Shou'd to the public Treasury;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And well they might rely upon her;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For <span class="antiqua">Juno</span> was a Bitch of Honour.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>In short, they all had Hopes to see</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>A heavenly Crop of Mutiny.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And so to reaping fell.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But in a little Time they found,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>It was the Devil had till'd the Ground,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And brought the Seed from Hell.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Pack divided, nothing throve:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Discord seiz'd the Throne of Love.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Want and Misery all endure;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>All take pains, and all grow poor.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>When they had toil'd the live-long Day,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And came at Night to view their Prey,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Oft, alas, so ill they'd sped,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>That half went Supperless to Bed.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>At length they all in Council sate,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Where at a very fair Debate,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>It was agreed at last,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>That Slavery with Ease and Plenty,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>When Hounds were something turn'd of twenty,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Was much a better Fate,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Than 'twas to work and fast.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">[Pg 293]</a></span></p> -<p><em>1 Play.</em> Well, Sir——and what did they do then?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why they all went home to their Kennel again. -If you think they did wisely, you'll do well to follow -their Example.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>1 Play.</em> Well, Beagles, what think you of the little -Gentleman's Advice?</p> - -<p><em>2 Wom.</em> I think he's a little ugly Philosopher, and -talks like a Fool.</p> - -<p><em>1 Play.</em> Ay, why there 'tis now! If he had been a -tall Handsome Blockhead, he had talk'd like a wise Man.</p> - -<p><em>2 Wom.</em> Why, do you think, Mr. <em>Jowler</em>, that we'll -ever join again?</p> - -<p><em>1 Play.</em> I do think, sweet Mrs. <em>Juno</em>, that if we do -not join again, you must be a little freer of your Carcase -than you are, or you must bring down your Pride to -a Serge Petticoat.</p> - -<p><em>1 Wom.</em> And do you think, Sir, after the Affronts I -have receiv'd, the Patent and I can ever be Friends?</p> - -<p><em>1 Play.</em> I do think, Madam, that if my interest had -not been more affronted than your Face, the Patent and -you had never been Foes.</p> - -<p><em>1 Wom.</em> And so, Sir, then you have serious Thoughts -of a Reconciliation!</p> - -<p><em>1 Play.</em> Madam, I do believe I may.</p> - -<p><em>1 Wom.</em> Why then, Sir, give me Leave to tell you, -that—make it my Interest, and I'll have serious Thoughts -on't too.</p> - -<p><em>2 Wom.</em> Nay, if you are thereabouts, I desire to come -into the Treaty.</p> - -<p><em>3 Play.</em> And I.</p> - -<p><em>4 Play.</em> And I.</p> - -<p><em>1 Play.</em> And I. No separate Peace. None of your -<em>Turin</em> Play, I beseech you.</p> - -<p><em>1 Play.</em> Why then, since you are all so Christianly dispos'd——I -think we had best adjourn immediately to our -Council-Chamber, choose some potent Prince for Mediator -and Guarantee——fix upon the Place of Treaty, -dispatch our Plenipo's, and whip up the Peace like -an Oyster. For, under the Rose, my Confederates, here<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">[Pg 294]</a></span> -is such a damn'd Discount upon our Bills, I'm afraid, if -we stand it out another Campaign, we must live upon -slender Subsistence.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>; and a Country Gentleman, who walks to -and fro, looking angrily upon <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Have you any Business with me, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em>—I can't tell whether I have or not.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> You seem disturb'd, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> I'm always so at the Sight of a Courtier.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Pray what may it be, that gives you so great an -Antipathy to 'em?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> My Profession.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> What's that?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Honesty.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> 'Tis an honest Profession. I hope, Sir, for the -general Good of Mankind, you are in some public Employment?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> So I am, Sir——no Thanks to the Court.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> You are then, I suppose, employ'd by——</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> My Country.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Who have made you——</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> A Senator.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Sir, I reverence you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Bowing.</em></p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Sir, you may reverence as low as you please; -but I shall spare none of you. Sir, I am intrusted by -my Country with above ten Thousand of their Grievances, -and, in order to redress them, my Design is to hang -ten thousand Courtiers.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why, 'tis making short Work, I must confess; -but are you sure, Sir, that wou'd do't?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Sure,——Ay, sure.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> How do you know?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Why, the whole Country says so, and I at the -Head of 'em. Now let me see who dares say the contrary.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Not I, truly. But, Sir, if you won't take it -ill, I'll ask you a Question or two.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">[Pg 295]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Sir, I shall take ill what I please. And if you, -or e'er a Courtier of you all pretend the contrary, I say, -'tis a Breach of Privilege——Now put your Question, -if you think fit.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why then, Sir, with all due regard to your -Character, and your Privilege too, I wou'd be glad to -know what you chiefly complain of?</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Gent.</em> Why, Sir, I do chiefly complain, that we have<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A great many Ships, and very little Trade;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A great many Tenants, and very little Money;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A great many Soldiers, and very little fighting;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A great many <em>Gazettes</em>, and little good News;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A great many Statesmen, and very little Wisdom;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A great many Parsons, and not an Ounce of Religion.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why truly, Sir, I do confess these are Grievances -very well worth your redressing. And I perceive you are -truly sensible of our Diseases, but I'm afraid you are a -little out in the Cure.</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Sir, I perceive you take me for a Country-Physician: -but you shall find, Sir, that a Country-Doctor is -able to deal with a Court-Quack; and to shew you that -I do understand something of the State of the Body-Politic, -I will tell you, Sir, that I have heard a wise Man say, -the Court is the Stomach of the Nation, in which, if the -Business be not thoroughly digested, the whole Carcase will -be in Disorder. Now, Sir, I do find by the Feebleness of -the Members, and the Vapours that fly into the Head, -that this same Stomach is full of indigestions, which must -be remov'd: And therefore, Sir, I am come Post to -Town with my Head full of <em>Crocus Metallorum</em>, and design -to give the Court a Vomit.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Sir, the Physic you mention, tho' necessary -sometimes, is of too violent a Nature to be us'd without -a great deal of Caution. I'm afraid, you are a little -too rash in your Prescriptions. Is it not possible you -may be mistaken in the Cause of the Distemper?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Sir, I do not think it possible I shou'd be mistaken -in any thing.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Have you been long a Senator?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> No, Sir.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">[Pg 296]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Have you been much about Town?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> No, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Have you convers'd much with Men of Business?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> No, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Have you made any serious Enquiry into the -present Disorders of the Nation?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> No, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Have you ever heard what the Men now employ'd -in Business have to say for themselves?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> No, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> How then do you know they deserve to be punish'd -for the present Disorders in your Affairs?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> I'll tell you how I know.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I would be glad to hear.</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Why, I know by this——I know it, I say, by -this——that I'm sure on't——And to give you Demonstration -that I'm sure on't, there is not one Man in a -good Post in the Nation—but I'd give my Vote to hang -him: Now I hope you are convinc'd.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> As for Example: The first Minister of State, why -wou'd you hang him?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Because he gives bad Counsel.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> How do you know?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Why, they say so.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> And who would you put in his Room?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> One that would give better.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Who's that?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Myself.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> The Secretary of State, why wou'd you hang -him?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Because he has not good Intelligence.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> How do you know?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> I have heard so.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> And who would you put in his Place?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> My Father.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> The Treasurer, why would you hang him?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Because he does not understand his Business.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> How do you know?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> I dreamt so.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> And who would you have succeed him?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">[Pg 297]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> My Uncle.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> The Admiral, why would you hang him?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Because he has not destroy'd the Enemies Ships.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> How do you know he could do it?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Why, I believe so.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> And who would you have command in his Stead?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> My Brother.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> And the General, why would you hang him?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Because he took ne'er a Town last Campaign.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> And how you do know it was in his Power?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Why, I don't care a Souss whether 'twas in his -power or not. But I have a Son at home, a brave chopping -Lad; he has been Captain in the Militia these -twelve Months, and I'd be glad to see him in his Place. -What do ye stare for, Sir? Ha! I'gad I tell you he'd -scour all to the Devil. He's none of your Fencers, -none of your sa-sa Men. <em>Numps</em> is downright, that's -his Play. You may see his Courage in his Face: He -has a Pair of Cheeks like two Bladders, a Nose as flat as -your Hand, and a Forehead like a Bull.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> In short, Sir, I find if you and your Family were -provided for, Things would soon grow better than they do.</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> And so they wou'd, Sir. Clap me at the Head -of the State, and <em>Numps</em> at the Head of the Army: -He with his Club-Musquet, and I with my Club Head-Piece, -we'd soon put an End to your Business.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I believe you wou'd indeed. And therefore, -since I happen to be acquainted with your extraordinary -Abilities, I am resolv'd to give the King an Account of -you, and employ my Interest with him, that you and -your Son may have the Posts you desire.</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Will you, by the Lord?—Give me your Fist, -Sir—the only honest Courtier that ever I met with in -my Life.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> But, Sir, when I have done you this mighty -Piece of Service, I shall have a small Request to beg of -you, which I hope you won't refuse me.</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> What's that?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why, 'tis in behalf of the two Officers who are -to be displac'd to make Room for you and your Son.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">[Pg 298]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> The Secretary and the General?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> The same. 'Tis pity they shou'd be quite out -of Business: I must therefore desire you'll let me recommend -one of 'em to you for your Bailiff, and t'other for -your Huntsman.</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> My Bailiff and my Huntsman!—--Sir, that's -not to be granted.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Pray, why?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Why?——Because one wou'd ruin my Land, -and t'other wou'd spoil my Fox-Hounds.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why do you think so?</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Why do I think so!—--These Courtiers will -ask the strangest Questions!—--Why, Sir, do you think -that Men bred up to the State or the Army, can understand -the Business of Ploughing and Hunting?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I did not know but they might.</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> How cou'd you think so?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Because I see Men bred up to Ploughing and -Hunting, understand the Business of the State and the Army.</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> I'm shot——I ha'n't one Word to say for myself——I -never was so caught in my Life.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> I perceive, Sir, by your Looks, what I have -said has made some Impression upon you; and would, -perhaps do more, if you wou'd give it leave. [<em>Taking his -Hand.</em>] Come, Sir, tho' I am a Stranger to you, I can -be your Friend; my Favour at Court does not hinder -me from being a Lover of my Country. 'Tis my Nature, -as well as Principle, to be pleas'd with the Prosperity -of Mankind. I wish all Things happy, and my Study -is to make them so.</p> - -<p>The Distempers of the Government (which I own are -great) have employ'd the Stretch of my Understanding, -and the deepest of my Thoughts, to penetrate the Cause, -and to find out the Remedy. But alas! All the Product -of my Study is this, That I find there is too near a Resemblance -between the Diseases of the State and those of -the Body, for the most expert Minister to become a greater -Master in one than the College is in t'other: And how -far their Skill extends, you may see by this Lump upon -my Back. Allowances in all Professions there must be,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_299" id="Page_299">[Pg 299]</a></span> -since 'tis weak Man that is the weak Professor. Believe -me, Senator, for I have seen the Proof on't. The longest -Beard amongst us is a Fool. Cou'd you but stand behind -the Curtain, and there observe the secret Springs of -State, you'd see, in all the Good or Evil that attends it, -ten Ounces of Chance for one Grain either of Wisdom -or Roguery.</p> - -<p>You'd see, perhaps, a venerable Statesman sit fast -asleep in a great downy Chair; whilst, in that soft Vacation -of his Thought, blind Chance (or what at least we -blindly call so) shall so dispose a thousand secret Wheels, -that when he awakes, he needs but write his Name, to -publish to the World some blest Event, for which his -Statue shall be rais'd in Brass.</p> - -<p>Perhaps a Moment thence, you shall behold him torturing -his Brain; his Thoughts all stretcht upon the Rack -for publick Service. The live-long Night, when all -the World's at rest, consum'd in Care, and watching for -their Safety, then by a Whirlwind in his Fate, in spight -of him, some Mischief shall befall 'em, for which a furious -Sentence strait shall pass, and they shall vote him to the -Scaffold. Even thus uncertain are Rewards and Punishments; -and even thus little do the People know, when -'tis the Statesman merits one or t'other.</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> Now I do believe I am beginning to be a wise -Man; for I never till now perceived I was a Fool. But -do you then really believe, Sir, our Men in Business do -the best they can?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Many of 'em do: Some perhaps do not. But -this you may depend upon; he that is out of Business is -the worst Judge in the World of him that is in: First, -Because he seldom knows any Thing of the Matter: And, -Secondly, Because he always desires to get his Place.</p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em> And so, Sir, you turn the Tables upon the -Plaintiff, and lay the Fool and Knave at his Door.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> If I do him wrong, I'm sorry for't. Let him examine -himself, he'll find whether I do or not.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Gent.</em>——Examine!—--I think I have had enough -of that already. There's nothing left, that I know of, -but to give Sentence: And truly I think, there's no great<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_300" id="Page_300">[Pg 300]</a></span> -difficulty in that. A very pretty Fellow I am, indeed! -Here am I come bellowing and roaring two hundred -Miles Post to find myself an Ass; when, with one Quarter -of an Hour's Consideration, I might have made the self-same -Discovery, without going over my Threshold. -Well! if ever they send me on their Errand to reform -the State again, I'll be damn'd. But this I'll do: I'll -go home and reform my Family if I can: Them I'm -sure I know. There's my Father's a peevish old Coxcomb: -There's my Uncle's a drunken old Sot: There's -my Brother's a cowardly Bully: Son <em>Numps</em> is a lubberly -Whelp: I've a great ramping Daughter, that stares -like a Heifer: and a Wife that's a slatternly Sow.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter a young, gay, airy Beau, who stands smiling -contemptibly upon <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Well, Sir, what are you?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> A Fool.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> That's impossible!—--for if thou wert, -thou'd'st think thyself a wise Man.</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> So I do—This is my own Opinion——the -t'other's my Neighbour's.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Walking airily about.</em></p> - -<p><em>Esop. gazing after him.</em>] Have you any Business with -me, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> Sir, I have Business with nobody, Pleasure's -my Study.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] An odd Fellow this!—--Pray, Sir, who -are you?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> I can't tell——</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em>——Do you know who I am?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> No, Sir: I'm a Favourite at Court, and I neither -know myself, nor any body else.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Are you in any Employment?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> Yes.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> What is't?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> I don't know the Name on't.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> You know the Business on't, I hope?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> That I do—the Business of it is——to——put -in a Deputy and receive the Money.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em>——Pray, what may be your Name?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_301" id="Page_301">[Pg 301]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> Empty.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Where do you live?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> In the Side-Box.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> What do you do there?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> I ogle the Ladies.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> To what Purpose?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> To no Purpose.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why then do you do it?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> Because they like it, and I like it.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Wherein consists the Pleasure?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> In playing the Fool.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em>——Pray, Sir, what Age are you?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> Five and twenty my Body; my Head's about -fifteen.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Is your Father living?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> Dead, thank God.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Has he been long so?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> Positively, yes.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Where were you brought up?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> At School.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> What School?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> The School of <em>Venus</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Were you ever at the University?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> Yes.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> What Study did you follow there?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> My Bed-maker.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> How long did you stay?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> Till I had lost my Maidenhead.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Why did you come away?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> Because I was expell'd.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Where did you go then?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> To Court.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Who took Care of your Education there?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> A Whore and a Dancing-Master.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> What did you gain by them?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> A <em>Minuet</em>, and the <em>Pox</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Have you an Estate?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> I had.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> What's become on't?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> Spent.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_302" id="Page_302">[Pg 302]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> In what?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> In a Twelvemonth.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> But how?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> Why, in Dressing, Drinking, Whoring, Claps, -Dice, and Scriveners. What do you think of me now, -old Gentleman?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Pray, what do you think of yourself?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> I don't think at all: I know how to bestow -my Time better.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Are you married?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> No——have you ever a Daughter to bestow -upon me?</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> She wou'd be well bestow'd.</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> Why, I'm a strong young Dog, you old Put, -you: She may be worse coupled——</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> Have you then a Mind to a Wife, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> Yaw, <em>Mynheer</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> What wou'd you do with her?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> Why, I'd take Care of her Affairs, rid her of -all her Troubles, her Maidenhead, and her Portion.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> And, pray, what Sort of Wife wou'd you be -willing to throw yourself away upon?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> Why, upon one that has Youth, Beauty, Quality, -Virtue, Wit and Money.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> And how may you be qualified yourself, to -back you in your Pretensions to such a one?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> Why, I am qualified with——a Perriwig——a -Snuff-box—a Feather——a——smooth Face——a -Fool's Head——and a Patch.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> But one Question more: What Settlements -can you make?</p> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> Settlements!—Why, if she be a very great -Heiress, indeed, I believe I may settle——myself upon -her for Life, and my Pox upon her Children for ever.</p> - -<p><em>Esop.</em> 'Tis enough; you may expect I'll serve you, if -it lies in my Way. But I wou'd not have you rely too -much upon your Success, because People sometimes are -mistaken——</p> - -<p>As for Example——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_303" id="Page_303">[Pg 303]</a></span></p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>An Ape there was of nimble Parts,</em><br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_304" id="Page_304">[Pg 304]</a></span> -<span class="i0"><em>A great Intruder into Hearts,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>As brisk, and gay, and full of Air,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>As you or I, or any here;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Rich in his Dress, of splendid Shew,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And with an Head like any Beau:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Eternal Mirth was in his Face;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Where'er he went,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He was content,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>So Fortune had but kindly sent</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Some Ladies——and a Looking-glass.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Encouragement they always gave him,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Encouragement to play the Fool;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For soon they found it was a Tool</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Wou'd hardly be so much in Love,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But that the mumbling of a Glove,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Or tearing of a Fan, wou'd save him.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>These Bounties he accepts as Proof</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Of Feats done by his Wit and Youth;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He gives their Freedom gone for ever,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Concludes each Female Heart undone,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Except that very Happy One</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To which he'd please to do the Favour.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>In short, so smooth his Matters went,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He guess'd, where'er his Thoughts were bent,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Lady he must carry:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>So put on a fine new Cravat,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He comb'd his Wig, he cock'd his Hat,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And gave it out he'd marry.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But here, alas! he found to 's Cost,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He had reckon'd long without his Host:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For wheresoe'er he made th' Attack,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Poor Pug with Shame was beaten back.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>The first fair She he had in Chace,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Was a young Cat, extremely rich,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Her Mother was a noted Witch;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>So, had the Daughter prov'd but civil,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He'd been related to the Devil.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But when he came</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To urge his Flame,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>She scratch'd him o'er the Face.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With that he went among the Bitches,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Such as had Beauty, Wit and Riches,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And swore Miss Maulkin, to her Cost,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Shou'd quickly see what she had lost:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But the poor, unlucky Swain</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Miss'd his Shepherdess again;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>His Fate was to miscarry.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>It was his Destiny to find,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>That Cats and Dogs are of a Mind,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>When Monkies come to marry.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>Beau.</em> 'Tis very well;——'tis very well, old Spark; -I say, 'tis very well. Because I han't a Pair of plaid -Shoes, and a dirty Shirt, you think a Woman won't -venture upon me for a Husband——Why, now to shew -you, old Father, how little you Philosophers know of -the Ladies, I'll tell you an Adventure of a Friend of -mine.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>A Band, a Bob-Wig, and a Feather,</em><br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_305" id="Page_305">[Pg 305]</a></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Attack'd a Lady's Heart together.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Band, in a most learned Plea,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Made up of deep Philosophy,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Told her, if she wou'd please to wed</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>A Reverend Beard, and take, instead</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Of vigorous Youth,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Old solemn Truth,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With Books and Morals into Bed,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>How happy she wou'd be.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>The Bob, he talk'd of Management,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>What wondrous Blessings Heaven sent</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>On Care, and Pains, and Industry;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And, truly, he must be so free</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To own, he thought your airy Beaux,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With powder'd Wigs, and dancing Shoes,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Were good for nothing (mend his Soul!),</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But prate, and talk, and play the Fool.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>He said, 'twas Wealth gave Joy and Mirth;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And that to be the dearest Wife</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Of one, who labour'd all his Life,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To make a Mine of Gold his own,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And not spend <span class="antiqua">Sixpence</span> when he'd done,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Was Heaven upon Earth.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>When these two Blades had done, d' ye see,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Feather (as it might be me)</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Steps out, Sir, from behind the Skreen,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>With such an Air, and such a Mien,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Look you, old Gentleman, in short,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>He quickly spoil'd the Statesman's Sport.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>It prov'd such Sunshine Weather,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>That you must know, at the first Beck</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Lady leapt about his Neck,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>And off they went together.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><em>To <span class="antiqua">Esop</span>.</em>] There's a Tale for your Tale, old Dad, -and so——<em>Serviteur</em>.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/wingding-319.jpg" width="700" height="460" alt="" /> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_306" id="Page_306">[Pg 306]</a><br /><a name="Page_307" id="Page_307">[Pg 307]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-321.jpg" width="700" height="79" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h2><a name="THE5" id="THE5">THE</a><br /> - -FALSE FRIEND.<br /> - -A<br /> - -COMEDY.</h2> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-321.jpg" width="700" height="79" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_308" id="Page_308">[Pg 308]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-322.jpg" width="700" height="68" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="PROLOGUE5" id="PROLOGUE5">PROLOGUE.</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter">Spoken by Capt. <em>Griffin</em>. -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em><span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">Y</span>ou</span> dread Reformers of an impious Age,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_309" id="Page_309">[Pg 309]</a></span> -<span class="i0"><em>You awful Cat-o'-nine Tails to the Stage,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>This once be just, and in our Cause engage.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To gain your Favour, we your Rules obey,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And treat you with a moral Piece to-day;</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>So moral, we're afraid 'twill damn the Play.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>For tho' y' ave long been leagu'd (as People tell)</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To reduce the Power exorbitant of Hell;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>No Troops you send, t' abate it in this Field,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But leave us still expos'd, to starve or yield.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Your Scouts, indeed, sometimes come stealing in,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>T' observe this formidable Camp of Sin,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And whisper, if we'll piously declare,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>What Aids you then will send, to help us thro' the War.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>To this we answer, We're a feeble State,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And cannot well afford to love or hate,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>So shou'd not meddle much in your Debate.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But, since your Cause is good, thus far we'll go,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>When <span class="antiqua">Portugal</span> declares, we'll do so too.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Our Cases, as we think, are much alike,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And on the same Conditions, we should strike;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Send to their Aid a hundred Men of War,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>To ours, a hundred Squadrons of the Fair;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Rig out your Wives and Daughters all around,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>(I mean, wh' are fit for Service, tight and sound)</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And, for a Proof our Meaning is sincere,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>See but the Ships are good, and if you fear</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>A Want of Equipage, we'll mann them here.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><em>These are the Terms on which you may engage</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The Poet's Fire, to batter from the Stage:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Useful Ally! whose Friendship lets you in,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Upon the weak and naked Side of Sin.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Against your old Attack, the Foe's prepar'd,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Well fortify'd, and always on his Guard;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>The sacred Shot you send are flung in vain;</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>By Impious Hands, with insolent Disdain,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>They're gather'd up, and fir'd at you again.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Thro' baffled Toils, and unsuccessful Cares,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>In Slaughter, Blood and Wounds, and pious Snares,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Y' ave made a <span class="antiqua">Flanders</span> War these fifteen hundred Years.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Change then your Scheme, if you'll your Foe annoy,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And the infernal <span class="antiqua">Bajazet</span> destroy;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Our Aid accept,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>W' ave gentler Stratagems which may succeed;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>We'll tickle 'em where you'd make 'em bleed:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>In Sounds less harsh, we'll teach 'em to obey;</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>In softer Strains the evil Spirit lay,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And steal Immorality away.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/wingding-323.jpg" width="700" height="336" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_310" id="Page_310">[Pg 310]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="Dramatis_Personae5" id="Dramatis_Personae5">Dramatis Personæ.</a></h3> - - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Dramatis Personæ"> - <tr> - <th colspan="3">MEN.</th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2">Don <em>Felix</em>, a Gentleman of <em>Valencia</em>,</td> - <td>Capt. <em>Griffin</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Don <em>Pedro</em>,</td> - <td rowspan="3" class="bl br tdc">Lovers of <em>Leonora</em>,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Wilks</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Don <em>Guzman</em>, </td> - <td>Mr. <em>Mills</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Don <em>John</em>,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Cibber</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2"><em>Lopez</em>, Servant to Don <em>John</em>,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Pinkethman</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2"><em>Galindo</em>, Servant to Don <em>Guzman</em>,</td> - <td>Mr. <em>Bullock</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <th colspan="3">WOMEN.</th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2"><em>Leonora</em>, Daughter to Don <em>Felix</em>,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Rogers</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2"><em>Isabella</em>, her Friend, and Sister to <em>Guzman</em>,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Kent</em>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2"><em>Jacinta</em>, Woman to <em>Leonora</em>,</td> - <td>Mrs. <em>Oldfield</em>.</td> - </tr> -</table></div> - - -<p class="center"><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, at <em>Valencia</em>. -</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_311" id="Page_311">[Pg 311]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-325.jpg" width="700" height="81" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p class="ph2">THE<br /> -FALSE FRIEND. -</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-237b.jpg" width="700" height="37" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_I_SCENE_I5" id="ACT_I_SCENE_I5"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> I. <em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> I.</a></h3> - -<p class="directcenter"><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Don <span class="antiqua">John</span>'s Lodgings.</em> -</p> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">John</span> beating <span class="antiqua">Lopez</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">H</span>old</span>, Sir, hold; there's enough in all -Conscience; I'm reasonable, I ask no more; -I'm content.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Then there's a double Content, you Dog, -and a Brace of Contents more into the Bargain. Now -is't well?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Striking again and again.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> O, mighty well, Sir; you'll never mend it; -pray leave it as 'tis.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Look you, you Jackanapes, if ever I -hear an Offer at your impertinent Advice again——</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> And why, Sir, will you stifle the most useful -of my Qualifications?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Either, Sirrah, I pass for a very great -Blockhead with you, or you are pleas'd to reckon much -upon my Patience.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Your Patience, Sir, indeed is great: I feel at -this Time forty Proofs on't upon my Shoulders: But -really, Sir, I wou'd advise you to——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_312" id="Page_312">[Pg 312]</a></span></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Again! I can bear thee no longer. Here, -Pen and Ink, I'll give thee thy Discharge: Did I take -you for a Valet, or a Privy-Counsellor, Sir?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> 'Tis confess'd, Sir, you took me but for humble -Employment; but my Intention was agreeably to surprize -you with some superior Gifts of Nature, to your -faithful Slave. I profess, my noble Master, a most perfect -Knowledge of Men and Manners. Yours, gracious -Sir, (with all Respect I speak it) are not irreprehensible. -And I'm afraid in Time, Sir, I am indeed, they'll riggle -you into some ill-favour'd Affair, whence, with all -my Understanding, I shall be puzzled to bring you off.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Very well, Sir.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> And therefore, Sir, it is, that I, poor <em>Lopez</em> as -I am, sometimes take leave to maralize.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Go, go, moralize in the Market-place: -I'm quite worn out. Once more, march.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Is the Sentence definitive?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Positive.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Then, pray, let us come to account, and see -what Wages are due.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Wages! Refund what you have had, you -Rascal, you, for the plague you have given me.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Nay, if I must lose my Money; then let me -claim another Right: Losers have leave to speak. -Therefore, advance, my Tongue, and say thy Pleausure; -tell this Master of mine, he shou'd die with shame at -the Life he leads: So much unworthy of a Man of Honour: -Tell him——</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I'll hear no more.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> You shall indeed, Sir.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Here, take thy Money, and begone.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Counters all; adieu, you glistring Spangles of -the World; farewel, ye Tempters of the Great, not -me. Tell him——</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Stay.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Go on; tell him he's worse among the Women -than a Ferret among the Rabbits; at one and all, from -the Princess to the Tripe-Woman; handsome, ugly, -old Women and Children, all go down.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_313" id="Page_313">[Pg 313]</a></span></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Very well.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> It is, indeed, Sir, and so are the Stories you tell -them to bring them to your Matters. The Handsome, -she's all Divinity, to be sure; the Ugly, she's so agreeable, -were it not for her Virtue, she'd be over-run with Lovers; -the light, airy, Flipflap, she kills him with her -Motions; the dull, heavy-tail'd Maukin melts him down -with her Modesty; the scragged, lean, pale Face has a -Shape for Destruction; the fat over-grown Sow has an -Air of Importance; the tall aukward Trapes with her -Majesty wounds; the little, short Trundle-tail shoots a -<em>Je-ne-sçay-quoy</em>: In a Word, they have all something -for him——and he has something for them all.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> And thus, you Fool, by a general Attack, -I keep my Heart my own; lie with them that -like me, and care not Sixpence for them that don't.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Well said, well said; a very pretty Amusement, -truly! But, pray, Sir, by your leave (Ceremony aside) -since you are pleas'd to clear up into Conversation, what -mighty Matters do you expect from boarding a Woman, -you know, is already Heart and Soul engag'd to another?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Why, I expect her Heart and Soul shou'd -disengage in a Week. If you live a little longer with -me, Sirrah, you'll know how to instruct your next Master -to the purpose; and therefore, that I may charitably -equip you for a new Service, now I'm turning you out -of my own, I'll let you know, that when a Woman -loves a Man best, she's in the most hopeful way of betraying -him; for Love, like Fortune, turns upon a -Wheel, and is very much given to rising and falling.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Like enough: But as much upon the Weathercock -as the Ladies are; there are some the Wind must -blow hard to fetch them about: When such a sturdy -Hussy falls in your Honour's way, what account may -Things turn to then, an't please ye?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> They turn to a Bottle, you Puppy.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> I find they'll always turn to something; but -when you pursue a poor Woman, only to make her -Lover jealous, what Pleasure can you take in that?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> That Pleasure.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_314" id="Page_314">[Pg 314]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Look you there, again.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Why, Sirrah, d'ye think there's no Pleasure -in spoiling their Sport, when I can't make my own?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> O! to a good-natur'd Man, be sure there must; -but, suppose, instead of 'fending and proving with his -Mistress, he shou'd come to——a——parrying and -thrusting with you; what becomes of your Joy, then, -my noble Master?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Why, do you think I'm afraid to fight, -you Rascal?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> I thought we were talking of what we lov'd, -not what we fear'd, Sir.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Sir, I love every Thing that leads to -what I love most.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> I know, Sir, you have often fought upon these -Occasions.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Therefore, that has been no stop to my -Pleasures.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> But you have never been kill'd once, Sir; and -when that happens, you will for ever lose the Pleasure -of——</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> [<em>Striking him.</em>] Breaking your Head, you -Rascal, which will afflict me heartily. See who knocks -so hard.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Knocking.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Somebody that thinks I can hear no better than -you think I can feel.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">Guzman</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Don <em>John de Alvarada</em>, is he here?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> There's the Man. Shew me such another, if -you can find him.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Don <em>John</em>, I desire to speak with you alone.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> You may speak before this Fellow, Sir; -he's trusty.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> 'Tis an Affair of Honour, Sir.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Withdraw, <em>Lopez</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Behind the Door I will, and no farther. [<em>Aside.</em>] -This Fellow looks as if he came to save me a broken -Head.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Lopez</span> retires.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> I call myself <em>Don Guzman de Torrellas</em>; you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_315" id="Page_315">[Pg 315]</a></span> -know what Blood I spring from; I am a Cadet, and -by consequence, not rich; but I am esteem'd by Men -of Honour: I have been forward to expose myself in -Battles abroad, and I have met with Applause in our -Feasts at home.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> So much by way of Introduction.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I understand your Merit, Sir, and shou'd -be glad to do as much by your Business.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Give Attention, and you'll be instructed. -I love <em>Leonora</em>, and from my Youth have done so. Long -she rejected my Sighs, and despised my Tears, but my -Constancy at last hath vanquish'd. I have found the way -to her Heart, and nothing is wanting to compleat my -Joy, but the Consent of her Father, whom I cannot -yet convince, that the Wants in my Fortune are recompens'd -by the Merits of my Person.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> He's a very dull Fellow, indeed.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> In the mean while, the Object of my Vows -is a sharer in my Grief, and the only Cordial we have -is the Pleasure of a secret Conversation, thro' a small -Breach I have made in a thin Partition that divides our -Lodgings. I trust you, Don <em>John</em>, with this important -Secret; Friend or Enemy, you are noble, therefore -keep it; I charge your Honour with it.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> You cou'd not put it in better Hands.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> But more; my Passion for this Lady is not -hid; all <em>Valencia</em> is acquainted with my Wishes, and -approves my Choice. You alone, Don <em>John de Alvarada</em>, -seeming ignorant of my Vows, dare traverse my -Amour.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Go on.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> These Words import War; lie close, <em>Lopez</em>.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> You are the <em>Argus</em> of our Street and the -Spy of <em>Leonora</em>; whether <em>Diana</em> by her borrow'd Light -supplies the Absence of the <em>Astrea</em> of Day, or that the -Shades of Night cover the Earth with impenetrable -Darkness; you still attend till <em>Aurora</em>'s Return, under -the Balcony of that adorable Beauty.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> So?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Wherever she moves, you still follow as<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_316" id="Page_316">[Pg 316]</a></span> -her Shadow, at Church, at Plays: Be her Business with -Heaven or Earth, your Importunity is such, you'll share it.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> He is a forward Fellow, that's the Truth on't.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> But what's still farther, you take the Liberty -to copy me; my Words, my Actions, every Motion -is no sooner mine, but your's. In short, you ape -me, Don; and to that point, I once design'd to stab -myself, and try if you wou'd follow me in that too.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> No, there the Monkey wou'd have left you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> But to conclude.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> 'Tis Time.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> My Patience, Don, is now no more; and -I pronounce, that if henceforth I find you under <em>Leonora</em>'s -Window, who never wish'd, fond Man, to see -you there; I, by the ways of Honour, shall fix you in -another Station. I leave you to consider on't.——Farewel.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Don</span> Guz.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Hold, Sir, we had e'en as good do this -honourable Deed now.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Re-enter <span class="antiqua">Lopez</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> No, pray, Sir, let him go, and maybe you -mayn't have Occasion to do it at all.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I thought at first the Coxcomb came upon -another Subject, which wou'd have embarrassed me -much more.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Now this was a Subject wou'd have embarrass'd -me enough in all Conscience.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I was afraid he came to forbid me seeing -his Sister, <em>Isabella</em>, with whom I'm upon very good -Terms.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Why, now, that's a hard Case, when you have -got a Man's Sister, you can't leave him his Mistress.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> No, Changeling, I hate him enough, to -love every Woman that belongs to him: and the Fool -has so provok'd me by this Threatning, that I believe I -shall have a Stroke at his Mother, before I think myself -even with him.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> A most admirable way to make up Accounts, -truly!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_317" id="Page_317">[Pg 317]</a></span></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> A Son of a Whore! s'death, I did not -care Sixpence for the Slut before, but now I'll have her -Maidenhead in a Week, for fear the Rogue shou'd -marry her in ten Days.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Mum; here's her Father: I'll warrant this old -Spark comes to correct our Way of living too.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">Felix</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Don <em>John!</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Don <em>Felix!</em> do I see you in my poor -Dwelling? Pray, to what lucky Accident do I owe -this Honour?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> That I may speak to you without Constraint, -pray send away your Servant.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> What the Pox have I done to 'em, they are all -so uneasy at my Company?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Give us Chairs, and leave the Room.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> If this old Fellow comes to quarrel with us too, -he'll at least do us less harm.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Won't you retire, Friend?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Looking behind.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Be gone, Sirrah.</p> - -<p><em>Lop. aside.</em>] Pox take ye——you old Prig, you: But -I shall be even with you.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Lopez hides himself.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> You know me, Sir?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I do, Sir.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> That I call myself——</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Don Felix.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> That I am of the House of——</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> <em>Cabrera</em>, one of the first of <em>Valencia</em>.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> That my Estate is——</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Great.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> You know that I have some Reputation in -the World?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I know your Reputation equals your Birth.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> And you are not ignorant, that Heaven, for -the Consolation of my grey Hairs, has given me an only -Daughter, who is not deform'd?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Beauteous as Light.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Well shap'd, witty, and endow'd with—</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> All the good Qualities of Mind and Body.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_318" id="Page_318">[Pg 318]</a></span></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Since you are satisfy'd with all this, hearken, -I pray, with Attention, to the Business that brings me -hither.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I shall.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> We all know, Don <em>John</em>, some by their -own Experience, some by that of others, how nice a -Gentleman's Honour is, and how easily tarnish'd; an -<em>Eclaircissement</em> manag'd with Prudence, often prevents -Misfortunes, that, perhaps, might be upon the Point of -attending us. I have thought it my Duty to acquaint -you, that I have seen your Designs upon my Daughter: -You pass Nights entire under her Window, as if you -were searching an Opportunity to get into my House; -there is nobody in the Town but has taken Notice of -your Proceedings; you give the Publick a Subject for -disadvantageous Discourse; and tho' in reality <em>Leonora</em>'s -Virtue receives no Prejudice by it, her Reputation -daily runs some Risque. My Years have taught me -to judge right of Things; and yet, I have not been -able to decide what your End can be; you can't regard -my Daughter on a foot of Gallantry; you know -her Virtue, and my Birth too well; and for a Wife -you seem to have no Thought, since you have yet -made no Demand to me: What then is your Intention? -You have heard, perhaps, I have hearken'd to a Gentleman -of <em>Toledo</em>, a Man of Merit. I own I have, and -I expect him daily here; but, Don <em>John</em>, if 'tis that -which hinders you from declaring in form, I'll ease you -of a great deal of Trouble, which the Customs of the -World impose upon these Occasions, and, in a Word, -I'll break with him, and give you <em>Leonora</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Good.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> You don't answer me! What is't that troubles -you?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> That I have been such a Sot, old Gentleman, -to hear you with so much Patience.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Rising.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> How, Don! I'm more astonish'd at your -Answer, than I was with your Silence.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Astonish'd! Why han't you talk'd to me -of Marriage? He asks me to marry, and wonders what -I complain of!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_319" id="Page_319">[Pg 319]</a></span></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> 'Tis well——'tis well, Don <em>John</em>, the Outrage -is violent! You insult me in your own House. -But, know, Sir——</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Rising.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> But, know, Sir, there needs no Quarrel, -if you please, Sir; I like your Daughter very well; but -for marrying her——<em>Serviteur</em>.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Don <em>Guzman de Torrellas</em> has not less Merit -than you, Don.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Agreed; what then?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> And yet I have refus'd him my Daughter.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Why then, you have used him better than -you have done me, which I take very unkindly.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> I have us'd you, Sir——</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Us'd me, Sir? you have us'd me very -ill, to come into my own House to seduce me.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> What Extravagance!</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> What Persecution!</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Am I then to have no other Answer?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Methinks, you have enough in all Conscience.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Promise me, at least, you'll cease to love -my Daughter.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I won't affront your Family so far, neither.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> I'gad my Master shines to-day.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Know, Don, that I can bear no more.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> If he cou'd, I think there's no more to lay upon -him.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> If I find you continue to importune <em>Leonora</em>, -I shall find a way to satisfy my offended Honour, -and punish your Presumption.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> You shall do what you please to me, provided -you don't marry me.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Know, <em>Alvarada</em>, there are ways to revenge -such outrageous Affronts as these.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I won't marry.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> 'Tis enough.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Don <span class="antiqua">Felix</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Re-enter <span class="antiqua">Lopez</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> So; the old Fellow's gone at last, and has carry'd -great Content along with him.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_320" id="Page_320">[Pg 320]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> <em>Lopez</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Sir——</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> What dost think? He wou'd have marry'd -me!</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Yes, he had found his Man. But you have -been even with him.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> What! thou hast heard us then?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Or I were no Valet: But, pray, what does -your Honour intend to do now? Will you continue the -Siege of a Place, where, 'tis probable, they will daily -augment the Fortifications, when there are so many -open Towns you may march into, without the Trouble -of opening the Trenches.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I am going, <em>Lopez</em>, to double my Attacks: -I'll beat up her Quarters six Times a-night; I -am now downright in Love: the Difficulties pique me -to the Attempt, and I'll conquer or I'll die.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Why, to confess the Truth, Sir, I find you -much upon my Taste in this Matter: Difficulties are -the Rocambole of Love; I never valu'd an easy Conquest -in my life. To rouse my Fire; the Lady must -cry out, as softly as ever she can, Have a Care, my -Dear, my Mother has seen us: My Brothers suspect -me; my Husband may surprize us: O, dear Heart, -have a Care, I pray! Then, I play the Devil: But, -when I come to a Fair-one, where I may hang up my -Cloak upon a Peg, get into my Gown and Slippers—</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Impudent Rogue!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> See her stretch'd upon the Couch, in great Security, -with—My Dear, come kiss me, we have nothing -to fear—I droop, I yawn, I sleep.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Well, Sir, whatever you do with your -Fair-one, I am going to be very busy with mine; I was -e'en almost weary of her, but <em>Guzman</em> and this old Fellow -have reviv'd my dying Fire; and so, have at her.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> 'Tis all mighty well, Sir; mighty well, Sir, as -can be in the World. But, if you wou'd have the Goodness -to consider <em>en passant</em>, or so, a little now and then -about Swords and Daggers, and Rivals and old Fellows, -and Pistols and great Guns, and such like Baubles, only<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_321" id="Page_321">[Pg 321]</a></span> -now and then at leisure, Sir, not to interrupt Things -of more Consequence.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Thou art a cowardly Rascal, I have often -consider'd that.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Ay, that's true, Sir; and yet a Blunderbuss is -presently discharged out of a Garret-Window.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Come, no more Words, but follow me: -How now! what Impertinence have we here now, to -stop me?</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">Pedro</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> 'Tis Don <em>Pedro</em>, or I'm a Dog.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Impossible! Don <em>Pedro</em> return'd!</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> 'Tis I, my dearest Friend; I'm come to -forget all the Miseries of a long Absence in one happy -Embrace.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>They embrace.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I'm overjoy'd to see you.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Mine's not to be exprest. What, Friend -<em>Lopez</em> here still! How dost do, <em>Lopez</em>? What, dost not -know me?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> As well as my Father's Seal, Sir, when he sends -me a Bill of Exchange.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Just as he was, I find, Galliard still.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> I find it very unwholesome to be otherwise, Sir.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> You have then quitted the Service in -<em>Flanders</em>, I suppose.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> I have so, Friend! I have left the Ensigns -of <em>Mars</em>, and am listing myself in a softer Militia.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Explain, pray.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Why, when your Father's Death oblig'd -you to leave <em>Brussels</em>, and return hither to the plentiful -Fortune he left you; I stay'd in <em>Flanders</em>, very trist for -your Lost, and past three Years in the Trade of War. -About two Months since, my Father writ to me from -<em>Toledo</em>, that he was going to marry me very advantageously -at <em>Valencia</em>: He sent me the Picture of the Lady, -and I was so well pleased with it, that I immediately got -my <em>Congé</em> and embark'd at <em>Dunkirk</em>; I had a quick Passage -to the <em>Groyne</em>, from whence, by the way of <em>Madrid</em>, -I am come hither with all the Speed I cou'd. I have,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_322" id="Page_322">[Pg 322]</a></span> -you must know, been two Days in Town, but I have -lain <em>Incognito</em>, that I might inform myself of the Lady's -Conduct I'm to marry; and I have discover'd, that -she's serv'd by two Cavaliers of Birth and Merit. But -tho' they have both given many Proofs of a most violent -Passion, I have found, for the Quiet of my Honour, -that this virtuous Lady, out of Modesty or Prudence, -has shewn a perfect Indifference to them and their Gallantries; -her Fortune is considerable, her Birth is high, -her Manners irreproachable, and her Beauty so great, -that nothing but my Love can equal it.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I have hearken'd to you, Don <em>Pedro</em>, with -a great deal of Attention, and Heaven's my Witness, I -have a mighty Joy in seeing you; but the Devil fetch -me, it makes my Heart bleed, to hear you are going to -be married.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Say no more of that, I desire you; we have -always been Friends, and I earnestly beg we ever may -be so; but I am not come to ask Counsel about my -Marriage; my Party is taken, and my Inquiries have so -much heightened my Desire, that nothing can henceforth -abate it. I must, therefore, expect from you, -dear Friend, that you won't oppose it, but that you'll -aid me in hast'ning the Moment of my Happiness.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Since 'tis so impossible for you to resolve -for your own Good, I must submit to what you'll have -me: But are not we to know the Name of this Piece of -Rarity, that is to do you this good Turn?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> You'll know it presently; for I'm going to -carry you to her House.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> You shall tell me, at least, who are her -two Gallants.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> One, they cou'd not tell me his Name; -t' other is——But before we talk any more of these Affairs, -can you let me dispose of <em>Lopez</em>, till the Return -of a Servant, I sent three Days ago to——</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Carry News of you to <em>Papa</em>, I suppose.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> You are right; the good Man is thirty -Leagues off, and I have not seen him these six Years.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> <em>Lopez</em>, do you wait upon Don <em>Pedro</em>.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_323" id="Page_323">[Pg 323]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> With all my Heart. It's at least a Suspension of -Boxes of the Ear, and Kicks of the Backside.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Then, honest <em>Lopez</em>, with your Master's -Leave, go to the New-Inn, the King of <em>France</em> on -Horseback, and see if my Servant's return'd; I'll be -there immediately, to charge thee with a Commission -of more Importance.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> I shall perform your Orders, Sir, both to your -Satisfaction, and my own Reputation.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Lopez</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Very quaint. Well, old Acquaintance, -you are going to be married then? 'Tis resolved: Ha!</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> So says my Star.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> The foolishest Star that has said any -Thing a great while.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Still the same, I see! Or, more than ever, -resolv'd to love nothing.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Love nothing! Why, I'm in Love at -this very Time.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> With what?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> A Woman.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Impossible!</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> True.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> And how came you in love with her?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Why, I was ordered not to be in love -with her.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Then, there's more Humour than Love in't.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> There shall be what you please in't. But -I shan't quit the Gentlewoman, till I have convinced -her there's something in't.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Mayn't I know her Name?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> When you have let me into your conjugal -Affection.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Pray, stay here but till I have sent <em>Lopez</em> -to my Father-in-law; I'll come back, and carry you -with me in a Moment.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I'll expect you.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Adieu, dear Friend! May I in earnest see -you quickly in Love!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Don <span class="antiqua">Pedro</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> May I, without a Jest, see you quickly -a Widower.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_324" id="Page_324">[Pg 324]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Don <span class="antiqua">John</span> solus.</em> -</p> - -<p>He comes, he says, to marry a Woman of Quality -that has two Lovers——If it should be <em>Leonora</em>——But, -why she? There are many, I hope, in that Condition -in <em>Valencia</em>——I'm a little embarrass'd about it, however——</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Friendship, take heed; if Woman interfere,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Be sure the Hour of thy Destruction's near.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directright">[Exit.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-338.jpg" width="700" height="43" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_II5" id="ACT_II5"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> II.</a></h3> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Leonora</em>'s Apartment.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Leonora</span>, <span class="antiqua">Isabella</span>, and <span class="antiqua">Jacinta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Leon.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">D</span>ear</span> <em>Isabella</em>, come in: How I am plagu'd -with this troublesome Wretch! <em>Jacinta</em>, -have you shut the outer Gates?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> I have, Madam.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Shut the Window too; we shall have him get -in there, by and bye.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> What's this you are in such Apprehensions of, -pray?</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Nothing worth naming.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> You dissemble: Something of Love in the -Case, I'll warrant you.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> The Reverse on't; 'tis Aversion. My Impertinent -Star has furnish'd me with a Lover for my Guard, -who is never from my Window; he persecutes me to -Distraction; I affront him fifty Times a day; which -he receives with a Bow down to the Ground: In short, -all I can do, is doing nothing at all: He still persists -in loving me, as much as I hate him.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Have a Care he don't get the better on't, for -all that; for when a Man loves a Woman well enough<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_325" id="Page_325">[Pg 325]</a></span> -to persevere, 'tis odds but she at last loves him well -enough to make him give it over. But I think I had -as good take off my Scarf; for, since my Brother Don -<em>Guzman</em> knows I'm with you, he won't quarrel at my -return, for the Length of my Visit.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> If he shou'd, I shou'd quarrel with him, which -few Things else wou'd make me do. But methinks, -<em>Isabella</em>, you are a little melancholy.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> And you a little thoughtful.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Pray, tell me your Affliction.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Pray don't conceal yours.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Why, truly, my Heart is not at ease.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Mine, I fear, never will.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> My Father's marrying me against my Inclination.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> My Brother is hind'ring me from marrying with -mine.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> You know I love your Brother, Don <em>Guzman</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> And you shall know, I'm uneasy for Don <em>John -de Alvarada</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Don <em>John</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> The same.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Have you any Reason to hope for a Return?</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> I think so.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> I'm afraid, my Dear, you abuse yourself.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Why?</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Because he is already in Love with——</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Who?</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Me.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> I wou'd not have you too positive in that, Madam, -for I am very sure that——</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Madam, I am very sure that he's the troublesome -Guest I just now complain'd of: And you may -believe——</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Madam, I can never believe he's troublesome -to any Body.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> O, dear Madam! But I'm sure I'm forc'd to -keep my Windows shut, till I'm almost dead with Heat; -and that, I think, is troublesome.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> This Mistake is easily set right, <em>Leonora</em>; our<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_326" id="Page_326">[Pg 326]</a></span> -Houses join, and when he looks at my Window, you -fancy 'tis at your's.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> But, when he attacks my Door, Madam, and -almost breaks it down, I don't know how in the World -to fancy 'tis your's.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> A Man may do that to disguise his real Inclination.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Nay, if you please, believe he's dying for you. -I wish he were; then I shou'd be troubled no more -with him. Be sure, <em>Jacinta</em>, you don't open a Window -to-night.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Not while I'm here, at least; for if he knows -that, he may chance to press in.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Look you, <em>Isabella</em>, 'tis entirely alike to me, -who he's fond of; but I'm so much your Friend, I can't -endure to see you deceiv'd.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> And since I have the same Kindness for you, -<em>Leonora</em>, know, in short, that my Brother is so alarm'd -at his Passion for me, that he has forbid him the Street.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Bless my Soul! and don't you plainly see by -that, he's jealous of him upon my Account?</p> - -<p><em>Isa.</em> [<em>Smiling.</em>] He's jealous of his Honour, Madam, -lest he shou'd debauch his Sister.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> I say, he's jealous of his Love, lest he shou'd -corrupt his Mistress.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> But why all this Heat? If you love my Brother, -why are you concern'd Don <em>John</em> shou'd love me?</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> I'm not concern'd: I have no Designs upon -him; I care not who he loves.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Why then are you angry?</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Why do you say he does not care for me!</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Well, to content you then, I know nothing -certain, but that I love him.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> And to content you; I know nothing so certain, -as that I neither love him, nor ever can love him: -And so I hope we are Friends again.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Kiss me, then, and let us never be otherwise.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Agreed: [<em>They kiss.</em>] And now, my Dear, as my -Misfortune's nearest, I am first to be pity'd; I am the -most wretched Woman living. My Father every Mo<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_327" id="Page_327">[Pg 327]</a></span>ment -expects a Gentleman from <em>Flanders</em>, to whom he -has resolv'd to marry me. But neither Duty, nor Prudence, -nor Danger, nor Resolution, nor all I can summon -to my Aid, can drive your Brother from my -Heart; but there he's fix'd to ruin me.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Madam, here's Don <em>Guzman</em> at the Chamber-Door; -he begs so passionately to come in, sure you -can't refuse him.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Heav'ns! But does he consider to what he exposes -me?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Madam, he considers nothing; if he did, I'd -say he were an impudent Fellow, to pretend to be in -Love with you.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Shall I venture, <em>Isabella</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> You know best.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">Guzman</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Marry, methinks he knows best of us all, for -here he comes.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Forgive me, lovely <em>Leonora</em>; 'tis the last -Time, perhaps, that I may beg your Pity. My Rival -is not far off: Excess of Modesty is now our Ruin. -Break through it, for this Moment you have left, and -own, to your old Father, how you love. He once -did so himself; our Scene of Sorrow may, perhaps, -recall some small Remembrance of his tender Years, and -melt him into Mercy.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Alas! Don <em>Guzman</em>——</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> O Heavens! Madam——</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> What's the Matter?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Y' are undone; here's your Father.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> What an unlucky Accident!</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Has he seen Don <em>Guzman</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Nay, the deuce knows.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Where shall he hide himself?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> In the Moon, if he can get thither.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">Felix</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> I must e'en stand it now.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Good News, my Daughter, good News;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_328" id="Page_328">[Pg 328]</a></span> -I come to acquaint you, that——How now? What's -the Meaning of this? Don <em>Guzman</em> in my Daughter's -Chamber!</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> I see your Surprize, Sir, but you need not -be disturb'd; 'twas some sudden Business with my Sister -brought me here.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> 'Tis enough, Sir: I'm glad to find you -here; you shall be a Witness, that I know how to preserve -the Honour of my Family.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> What mean you, Sir?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> To marry <em>Leonora</em> this Moment.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> How say you?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> I say, you shall have nothing left to ask -of me.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Is't possible? O Heavens! what Joy I feel!</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> <em>Leonora</em>, prepare your Hand and Heart.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> They both are ready, Sir; and in giving me -the Man I love, you charge me with a Debt of Gratitude -can never be repay'd.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> [<em>Kneeling.</em>] Upon my Knees, I thank the -best of Men, for blessing me with all that's blest in -Woman.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> How well that kind, that gentle Look becomes -him!</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Now, methinks he looks like an old Rogue; -I don't like his Looks.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lopez</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> To all whom it may concern, greeting, Don -<em>Pedro Osorio</em>, acknowledging himself most unworthy of -the Honour intended him, in the Person of the fair -<em>Leonora</em>, addresses himself, by me, his small Ambassador, -to the Generosity of Don <em>Felix</em>, for leave to -walk in and take Possession.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> I had already given Order for his Entrance.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> What is't I hear?</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Support me.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> She faints.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Look, Tyrant, here, and, if thou can'st, -be cruel!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Holding her.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Bring in Don <em>Pedro</em>.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_329" id="Page_329">[Pg 329]</a></span></p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Barbarian!</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Look up, Madam, for Heaven's sake; since -you must marry the Fellow, e'en make the most on't.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Hoh——</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">Pedro</span> and Don <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> So——How d'ye do now? Come, chear up. -See, here he comes. By my Troth, and a pretty turn'd -Fellow. [<em>Aside.</em>] He'll set all to rights by to-morrow -Morning, I'll answer for him.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Don <em>Pedro</em>, you are welcome; let me embrace -you.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> In what Terms, Sir, shall I express what -I owe you for the Honour you do me? And with what -Prospect of Return can I receive this inestimable Present? -Your Picture, Madam, made what Impression Art cou'd -stamp, but Nature has done more. What Wounds -your Sex can give, or ours receive, I feel.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Come, Son, (for I'm in haste to call you so)——But -what's this I see? <span class="antiqua">Alvarada</span> here! Whence, -Sir, this Insolence; to come within my Doors, after you -know what has past? Who brought you here?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> 'Twas I, Sir.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> But do you know that he——</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Sir, he's the best of my Friends.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> But do you know, I say, that he wou'd——</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Hinder this Marriage, 'tis true.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Yes, because he design'd——</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> I know his Design, Sir; 'tis to hinder all -his Friends from marrying. Pray forgive him.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Then to prevent for ever his Designs here, -come hither, <em>Leonora</em>, and give Don <em>Pedro</em> your Hand.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Keep down, my kindling Jealousy: I've -something tortures me I never felt but now.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Leo</span>.</em>] Why this Backwardness, Madam? -Where a Father chooses, a Daughter may with Modesty -approve. Pray, give me your Hand.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> I cannot see it.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Turning from 'em.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Leo.</span> aside.</em>] Are you distracted? Will you -let him know your Folly? Give him your Hand, for -Shame.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_330" id="Page_330">[Pg 330]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Hoh! Don <em>Guzman</em>, I am yours.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Sighing, and giving carelesly her Hand.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Madam!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Turning.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> What a fatal Slip!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> 'Twas not to you I spoke, Sir.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> But him it was she nam'd, and thought on -too, I fear. I'm much alarm'd.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Leo</span>.</em>] Repair what you have done, and -look more chearful on him.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Repair what you have done, and kill me.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Fool.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Tyrant.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> A very hum-drum Marriage this.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Pray, Sister, let's retire; for I can bear this -Sight no longer.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> My Dear, farewel; I pity you, indeed.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> I am indeed an Object of your Pity.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Don <span class="antiqua">Guz.</span> and <span class="antiqua">Isab.</span></em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Come, Daughter, come, my Son, let's to the -Church, and tie this happy Knot.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> I'll wait upon you, Sir.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Don <span class="antiqua">Fel.</span> leading <span class="antiqua">Leo.</span></em></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I love her, and I'll love her still. Fate do -thy worst, I'll on.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> To name another Man, in giving me her -Hand!</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] How am I rackt and torn with -Jealousy?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> 'Tis doubtless so, Don Guzman has her -Heart.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] The Bridegroom's thoughtful. The -Lady's Trip has furnish'd him with some Matrimonial -Reflections: They'll agree with him at this Time perhaps, -better than my Company. I'll leave him. Don <em>Pedro</em>, -adieu, we shall meet again at Night.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Pray stay: I have need of a Friend's Counsel.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> What, already!</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Already.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> That's to say, you have already enough -of Matrimony.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_331" id="Page_331">[Pg 331]</a></span></p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> I scarce know what I have, nor am I sure -of what I am.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lopez</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> An't please your Honour, yonder's your Man -<em>Bertrand</em> just arriv'd; his Horse and he are so tired of -one another, that they both came down upon the Pavement -at the Stable-Door.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>To Don <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em>] He brings News from my -Father.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> I believe he does, and hasty News too; but if -you stay till he brings it hither, I believe it will come but -slowly. But here's his Packet; I suppose that will do -as well as his Company.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Gives a Letter.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>Reads to himself.</em>] My dear friend, here's -ill News.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> What's the Matter?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> My poor old Father's dying.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I'm mighty sorry for't; 'tis a weighty -Stroke I must confess; the Burden of his Estate will almost -bear you down. But we must submit to Heaven's -good Will.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> You talk, <em>Alvarada</em>, like a perfect Stranger -to that Tenderness methinks every Son shou'd feel -for a good Father: For my part, I've receiv'd such repeated -Proofs of an uncommon Affection from mine, that -the Loss of a Mistress could scarce touch me nearer. -You'll believe me, when you see me leave <em>Leonora</em> a Virgin, -till I have seen the good old Man.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> That will be a Proof, indeed; Heaven's -Blessing must needs fall upon so dutiful a Son; but I -don't know how its Judgments may deal with so indifferent -a Lover.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> O! I shall have Time enough to repair this -seeming small Neglect: But before I go, pray a Word -or two with you alone. <em>Lopez</em>, wait without. [<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Lop</span>.</em>] -You see, my dearest Friend, I am engag'd with <em>Leonora</em>; -perhaps I have done wrong; but 'tis gone too far, to -talk or think of a Retreat; I shall I go directly from this -Place to the Altar, and there seal the eternal Contract.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_332" id="Page_332">[Pg 332]</a></span> -That done, I'll take Post to see my Father, if I can, before -he dies. I leave then here a young and beauteous -Bride; but that which touches every String of Thought, -I fear, I leave her wishing I were <em>Guzman</em>. If it be so, -no doubt he knows it well; and he that knows he's lov'd -by <em>Leonora</em>, can let no fair Occasion pass to gain her; -my Absence is his Friend, but you are mine, and so the -Danger's balanc'd. Into your Hands, my Dear, my -faithful <em>Alvarada</em>, [<em>Embracing him.</em>] I put my Honour, -I put my Life; for both depend on <em>Leonora</em>'s Truth. -Observe her Lover, and——neglect not her. You are -wise, you are active, you are brave and true. You have -all the Qualities that Man shou'd have for such a Trust; -and I by consequence have all the Assurance Man can -have, you'll, as you ought, discharge it.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> A very hopeful Business you wou'd have -me undertake, keep a Woman honest!—'Sdeath, I'd as -soon undertake to keep <em>Portocarero</em> honest. Look you, -we are Friends, intimate Friends; you must not be angry -if I talk freely. Women are naturally bent to Mischief, -and their Actions run in one continued Torrent till -they die. But the less a Torrent's check'd, the less Mischief -it does; let it alone, perhaps 'twill only kiss the -Banks and pass; but stop it, 'tis insatiable.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> I wou'd not stop it; but cou'd I gently -turn its Course where it might run, and vent itself with -Innocence, I wou'd. <em>Leonora</em> of herself is virtuous; -her Birth, Religion, Modesty and Sense, will guide her -Wishes where they ought to point. But yet, let Guards -be what they Will, that Place is safest that is ne'er attack'd.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> As far as I can serve you, in hind'ring -<em>Guzman</em>'s Approaches, you may command me.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> That's all I ask.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Then all you ask is granted.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> I am at ease, farewel.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Heaven bring you safe to us again.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_333" id="Page_333">[Pg 333]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Don <span class="antiqua">Ped</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Don <span class="antiqua">John</span> solus.</em> -</p> - -<p>Yes, I shall observe her, doubt it not. I wish no body -may observe me, for I find I'm no more Master of myself. -Don <em>Guzman</em>'s Passion for her adds to mine; but -when I think on what Don <em>Pedro</em> will reap, I'm Fire and -Flame. Something must be done: What, let Love direct, -for I have nothing else to guide me.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lopez</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Don <em>Pedro</em> is mounting for his Journey, -and leaves a young, warm, liquorish Hussy with a watry -Mouth, behind him——Hum—If she falls handsomely -in my Master's Way, let her look to her——hist—there -he is. Doing what? Thinking? That's new. And -if any Good comes on't, that will be newer still.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] How! Abuse the Trust a Friend -reposes in me? And while he thinks me waking for -his Peace, employ the stretch of Thought to make him -wretched?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Not to interrupt your pious Meditations, Sir, -pray have you seen——Seen what, Fool? Why he can't -see thee. I'gad, I believe the little blind Bastard has -whipt him through the Heart in earnest.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] <em>Pedro</em> wou'd never have done this -by me——How do I know that?——Why——he -swore he was my Friend——Well; and I swore I -was his——Why then if I find I can break my Oath, -why should not I conclude he will do as much by his?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] His Countenance begins to clear up: I -suppose Things may be drawing to a Conclusion.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Ay, 'tis just so: And I don't believe -he wou'd have debated the Matter half so long as I -have done: I'gad I think I have put myself to a great -Expence of Morality about it. I'm sure, at least, my -Stock's out. But I have a Fund of Love, I hope may -last a little longer. O, are you there, Sir!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Seeing <span class="antiqua">Lop</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> I think so, Sir; I won't be positive in any thing.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Follow me: I have some Business to employ -you in, you'll like.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_334" id="Page_334">[Pg 334]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Don <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> I won't be positive in that neither. I guess what -you are going about—There's Roguery a-foot: This -is at <em>Leonora</em>, who I know hates him; nothing under a -Rape will do't——He'll be hang'd——And then, what -becomes of thee, my little <em>Lopez</em>?——Why, the Honour -to a——dingle dangle by him. Which he'll have -the Good-nature to be mighty sorry for. But I may -chance to be beforehand with him: If we are not taken -in the Fact, they'll perhaps do him the Honour to set -a Reward upon his Head. Which if they do, Don, I -shall go near to follow your moral Example, secure my -Pardon, make my Fortune, and hang you up for the -Good of your Country.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-348.jpg" width="700" height="41" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_III5" id="ACT_III5"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> III.</a></h3> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Don</em> Felix's <em>House</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">Felix</span>, Don <span class="antiqua">Pedro</span>, <span class="antiqua">Leonora</span>, and <span class="antiqua">Jacinta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> <span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">H</span>ow</span>, Son! oblig'd to leave us immediately, -say you?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> My ill Fortune, Sir, will have it so.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] What can this be?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Pray, what's the Matter? You surprise me.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> This Letter, Sir, will inform you.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> [Reads.] <em>My dear Son, <span class="antiqua">Bertrand</span> has brought -me the welcome News of your Return, and has given me -your Letter; which has in some Sort reviv'd my Spirits in -the Extremity I am in. I daily expect my Exit from this -World. 'Tis now six Years since I have seen you; I shou'd -be glad to do it once again before I die: If you will give -me that Satisfaction, you must be speedy. Heaven preserve -you.</em></p> - -<p>[<em><span class="antiqua">To Don</span> Ped.</em>] 'Tis enough: The Occasion I'm sorry<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_335" id="Page_335">[Pg 335]</a></span> -for, but since the Ties of Blood and Gratitude oblige -you, far be it from me to hinder you. Farewel, my Son, -may you have a happy Journey; and if it be Heaven's -Will, may the sight of so good a Son revive so kind a -Father. I leave you to bid your Wife adieu.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Don</span> Fel.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> I must leave you, my lovely Bride; but -'tis with bitter Pangs of Separation. Had I your Heart -to chear me on my Way, I might with such a Cordial -run my Course: But that Support you want the Power -to give me.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Who tells you so?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> My Eyes and Ears, and all the Pains I bear.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> When Eyes and Ears are much indulg'd, like -favourite Servants they are apt to abuse the too much -Trust their Master places in 'em.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> If I'm abus'd, assist me with some fair Interpretation -of all that present Trouble and Disquiet, -which is not in my Power to overlook, nor yours to hide.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> You might methinks have spar'd my Modesty; -and without forcing me to name your Absence, have laid -my Trouble there.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> No, no, my Fair Deluder, that's a Veil too -thin to cover what's so hard to hide; my Presence not -my Absence is the Cause. Your cold Reception at my -first Approach, prepar'd me for the Stroke; and 'twas -not long before your Mouth confirmed my Doom: Don -<em>Guzman</em>, I am yours.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Is't then possible the Mouth shou'd utter one -Name for another?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Not at all, when it follows the Dictates of -the Heart.——</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Were it even so, what Wrong is from that -Heart receiv'd, where Duty and where Virtue are its -Rulers?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Where they preside, our Honour may be -safe, yet our Minds be on the Rack.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> This Discourse will scarce produce a Remedy; -we'll end it, therefore, if you please, and leave the rest to -Time: Besides, the Occasion of your Journey presses you.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_336" id="Page_336">[Pg 336]</a></span></p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> The Occasion of my Delay presses you, I -fear, much more; you count the tedious Minutes I am -with you, and are reduc'd to mind me of my Duty, to -free yourself from my Sight.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> You urge this thing too far, and do me wrong. -The Sentiments I have for you are much more favourable -than your Jealousy suffers 'em to appear. But if -my Heart has seem'd to lean another way, before you -had a Title to it, you ought not to conclude I shall suffer -it to do so long.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> I know you have Virtue, Gratitude and -Truth; and therefore 'tis I love you to my Ruin. -Cou'd I believe you false, Contempt would soon release -me from my Chains, which yet I can't but wish to wear -for ever: therefore indulge at least your Pity to your -Slave; 'tis the soft Path in which we tread to Love. -I leave behind a tortur'd Heart to move you:</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>Weigh well its Pains, think on its Passion too,</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Remember all its Torments spring from you;</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And if you cannot love, at least be true.</em> <span class="linenum">}</span><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Don <span class="antiqua">Pedro</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Now by my troth, Madam, I'm ready to cry. -He's a pretty Fellow, and deserves better Luck.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> I own he does: And his Behaviour wou'd engage -any thing that were unengag'd. But, alas! I want -his Pity more than he does mine.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> You do! Now I'm of another Mind. The Moment -he sees your Picture, he's in love with you; the -Moment he's in love with you, he imbarks; and, like -Lightning, in a Moment more, he's here: Where you -are pleas'd to receive him with a Don <em>Guzman, I am -yours</em>. Ah——poor Man!</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> I own, <em>Jacinta</em>, he's unfortunate, but still I say -my Fate is harder yet. The irresistible Passion I have -for <em>Guzman</em>, renders Don <em>Pedro</em>, with all his Merit, odious -to me; yet I must in his favour, make eternal War -against the Strength of Inclination and the Man I love.</p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Um——If I were in her Case, I cou'd -find an Expedient for all this Matter. But she makes such -a Bustle with her Virtue, I dare not propose it to her.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_337" id="Page_337">[Pg 337]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Besides, Don <em>Pedro</em> possesses what he loves, but I -must never think on poor Don <em>Guzman</em> more.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Weeping.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> Poor Don <em>Guzman</em>, indeed! We han't said a -Word of the Pickle he's in yet. Hark! somebody -knocks——at the old Rendezvous. It's he, on my -Conscience.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Let's be gone; I must think of him no more.</p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> Yes, let's be gone; but let's know whether 'tis -he or not, first.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> No, <em>Jacinta</em>; I must not speak with him any -more. [<em>Sighing.</em>] I'm married to another.</p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> Married to another! Well, Married to another; -why, if one were married to twenty others, one may -give a civil Gentleman an Answer.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Alas! what would'st thou have me to say to him?</p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> Say to him! Why, one may find twenty Things -to say to a Man: Say, that 'tis true you are married to -another, and that 'twould be a—Sin to think of any -Body but your Husband; and that——you are of a timorous -Nature, and afraid of being damn'd; and that -a——You wou'd not have him die neither: That a——Folks -are mortal, and Things sometimes come -strangely about, and a Widow's a Widow, and——</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Peace, Levity [<em>Sighing.</em>] But see who 'tis -knocks.</p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> Who's there?</p> - -<p><em>Isa.</em> [<em>Behind the Scenes.</em>] 'Tis I, <em>Isabella</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> <em>Isabella!</em> What do you want, my Dear?</p> - -<p><em>Isa.</em> Your Succour, for Heaven's sake, <em>Leonora</em>. My -Brother will destroy himself.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Alas! it is not in my power to save him.</p> - -<p><em>Isa.</em> Permit him but to speak to you; that possibly -may do.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Why have not I the Force to refuse him?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> [<em>Behind the Scenes.</em>] Is it you I hear, my -poor lost Mistress? Am I so happy, once more to meet -you, where I so often have been blest!</p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> Courage, Madam, say a little something to him.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Not one kind Word to a distracted Lover? -No Pity for a Wretch, you have made so miserable?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_338" id="Page_338">[Pg 338]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> The only Way to end that Misery, is to forget -we ever thought of Happiness!</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> And is that in your Power? Ah, <em>Leonora</em>, -you ne'er lov'd like me.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> How I have lov'd, to Heaven I appeal! But -Heaven does now permit that Love no more.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Why does it then permit us Life and -Thought? Are we deceiv'd in its Omnipotence? Is it -reduc'd to find its Pleasures in its Creatures Pain?</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> In what, or where, the Joys of Heaven consist, -lies deeper than a Woman's Line can fathom; but -this we know, a Wife must in her Husband seek for -hers, and, therefore, I must think of you no more.——Farewel.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Leo</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Yet hear me, cruel <em>Leonora</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> It must be another Time, then, for she's whipt -off now. All the Comfort I can give you, is, that I -see she durst not trust herself any longer in your Company. -But hush, I hear a Noise, get you gone; we -shall be catch'd.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> [<em>Within.</em>] <em>Jacinta!</em></p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> I come, I come, Madam.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Jac</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lopez</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> If I mistake not, there are a Brace of Lovers intend -to take some Pains about Madam, in her Husband's -Absence. Poor Don <em>Pedro</em>! Well; methinks a Man's -in a very merry Mood, that marries a handsome Wife: -When I dispose of my Person, it shall be to an ugly -one. They take it so kindly, and are so full of Acknowledgment; -watch you, wait upon you, nurse you, humour -you, are so fond, and so chaste. Or, if the Hussy -has Presumption enough to think of being otherwise, -away with her into the Mountains, fifty Leagues off; no -Body opposes. If she's mutinous, give her Discipline; -every Body approves on't. Hang her, says one, he's -kinder than she deserves: Damn her, says another, -why does not he starve her? But, if she's handsome, -Ah, the Brute, cries one: Ah the <em>Turk</em>, cries t'other: -Why don't she cuckold him, says this Fellow? Why<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_339" id="Page_339">[Pg 339]</a></span> -does not she poison him, says that? and away comes a -Pacquet of Epistles, to advise her to't. Ah poor Don -<em>Pedro</em>! But enough: 'Tis now Night, all's hush and -still: every Body's a-bed, and what am I to do? Why, -as other trusty Domesticks, sit up to let the Thief in. -But I suppose he won't be here yet; with the help of a -small Nap beforehand, I shall be in a better Condition -to perform the Duty of a Centinel, when I go to my -Post. This Corner will just fit me: Come, <em>Lopez</em>, lie -thee down, short Prayers, and to sleep.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>He lies down.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Jacinta</span> with a Candle in her Hand.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> So, I have put my poor Lady to Bed, with nothing -but Sobs, Tears, Sighs, Wishes, and a Pillow to -mumble, instead of a Bridegroom, poor Heart.——I -pity her; but every Body has their Afflictions, and -by the Beads of my Grandmother, I have mine. Tell -me, kind Gentlemen, if I have not something to excite -you? Methinks I have a rogueish Eye, I'm sure I -have a melting Heart. I'm soft, and warm, and sound, -may it please ye. Whence comes it then, this Rascal -<em>Lopez</em>, who now has been two Hours in the Family, has -not yet thought it worth his while, to make one Motion -towards me? Not that the Blockhead's Charms have -moved me, but I'm angry mine han't been able to -move him. I doubt, I must begin with the Lubber: -my Reputation's at stake upon't, and I must rouze the -Drone, somehow.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Lopez</span> rubbing his Eyes, and coming on.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> What a damn'd Condition is that of a Valet! -No sooner do I, in comfortable Slumber, close my -Eyes, but methinks my Master's upon me, with fifty -Slaps o' th' Back, for making him wait in the Street. -I have his Orders to let him in here to-night, and so I -had e'en——Who's that?——<em>Jacinta!</em>——Yes, a-caterwauling!—like -enough.</p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> The Fellow's there; I had best not lose the -Occasion.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> The Slut's handsome. I begin to kindle: But -if my master shou'd be at the Door——Why there let -him be, till the Matter's over.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_340" id="Page_340">[Pg 340]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> Shall I advance?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Shall I venture?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> How severe a Look he has!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> She seems very reserv'd.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> If he shou'd put the Negative upon me.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> She seems a Woman of great Discretion; I -tremble.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> Hang it, I must venture.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Faint Heart never won fair Lady.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> <em>Lopez</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> <em>Jacinta</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> O dear Heart! Is't you?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Charming <em>Jacinta</em>, fear me not.</p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> O ho! he begins to talk soft——then let us -take upon us again.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Cruel <em>Jacinta</em>, whose Mouth (small as it is) has -made but one Morsel of my Heart.</p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> It's well he prevents me. I was going to leap -about the Rascal's Neck.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Barbare <em>Jacinta</em>, cast your Eyes -On your poor <em>Lopez</em>, ere he dies.</p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> Poetry too! Nay then I have done his Business.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Feel how I burn with hot desire, -Ah! pity me, and quench my Fire. -Deaf, my fair Tyrant, deaf to my Woes! -Nay, then, Barbarian, in it goes.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Drawing a Knife.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> Why, how now, Jack Sauce? why, how now, -Presumption? What Encouragement have I given you, -Jack-a-lent, to attack me with your Tenders? I cou'd -tear your Eyes out, Sirrah, for thinking I'm such a -one. What Indecency have you seen in my Behaviour, -Impudence, that you shou'd think me for your beastly -Turn, you Goat, you?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Patience, my much offended Goddess, 'tis honourably -I wou'd share your Bed.</p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> Peace, I say—Mr. <em>Liquorish</em>. I, for whom the -most successful Cavaliers employ their Sighs in vain, -shall I look down upon a crawling Worm? Pha—See<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_341" id="Page_341">[Pg 341]</a></span> -that Crop Ear there, that Vermin that wants to eat at -a Table, would set his Master's Mouth a-watering.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> May I presume to make an humble Meal upon -what savoury Remnants he may leave?</p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> No.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> 'Tis hard! 'tis wondrous hard!</p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> Leave me.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> 'Tis pitiful, 'tis wondrous pitiful!</p> - -<p><em>Jac.</em> Begone, I say. -Thus, Ladies 'tis, perhaps, sometimes with you; -With Scorn you fly the Thing, which you pursue.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Jac</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> [<em>Solus.</em>] 'Tis very well, Mrs. Flipflap, 'tis very -well; but do you hear——Tawdry, you are not so -alluring as you think you are——Comb-brush, nor I -so much in love——your Maidenhead may chance to -grow mouldy with your Airs—the Pox be your Bedfellow; -there's that for you. Come, let's think no more -on't. Sailors must meet with Storms; my Master's -going to Sea, too. He may chance to fare no better -with the Lady, than I have done with her <em>Abigail</em>: -There may be foul Weather there, too. I reckon, at -present, he may be lying by under a Mizen, at the -Street-Door; I think it rains too, for his Comfort. -What if I shou'd leave him there an Hour or two, in -fresco, and try to work off the Amour that Way? No; -People will be physick'd their own Way. But, perhaps, -I might save his Life by't——yes, and have -my Bones broke, for being so officious; therefore, if -you are at the Door, Don John, walk in, and take -your Fortune.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Opens the Door.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Hist! hist!</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Hist! hist!</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> <em>Lopez</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] The Devil—Tread softly.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Are they all asleep?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Dead.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Enough; shut the Door.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> 'Tis done.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_342" id="Page_342">[Pg 342]</a></span></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Now, begone.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> What! Shut the Door first, and then begone! -Now, methinks, I might as well have gone first, and -then shut the Door.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I bid you begone, you Dog, you, do you -find the way.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Stark mad, and always so when a Woman's -in chace. But, Sir, will you keep your chief -Minister out of the Secrets of your State? Pray, let me -know what this Night's Work is to be.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> No Questions, but march.</p> - -<p class="directright">[Lop. <em>goes to the Door, and returns</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Very well—— -But, Sir, shall I stay for you in the Street?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> No, nor stir out of the House.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> So: well, Sir, I'll do just as you have order'd -me; I'll be gone, and I'll stay; and I'll march, and -I won't stir, and—just as you say, Sir.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I see you are afraid, you Rascal, you.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Possibly.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John</em>. Well, be it so; but you shan't leave the -House, Sir; therefore, begone to your Hogstye, and -wait further Orders.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] But, first, I'll know how you intend to -dispose of yourself.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Lop.</span> hides behind the Door.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Don <span class="antiqua">John</span> solus.</em> -</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> All's hush and still; and I am at the -Point of being a happy——Villain. That Thought -comes uninvited——Then, like an uninvited Guest, -let it be treated: Begone, Intruder. <em>Leonora</em>'s Charms -turn Vice to Virtue, Treason into Truth; Nature, -who has made her the supreme Object of our Desires, -must needs have designed her the Regulator of our -Morals. Whatever points at her, is pointed right. -We are all her due, Mankind's the Dower which Heaven -has settled on her; and he's the Villain that would -rob her of her Tribute. I, therefore, as in Duty -bound, will in, and pay her mine.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] There he goes, i'faith; he seem'd as<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_343" id="Page_343">[Pg 343]</a></span> -if he had a Qualm just now; but he never goes without -a Dram of Conscience-Water about him, to set -Matters right again.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] This is her Door, 'tis lock'd; but -I have a Smith about me will make her Staple fly.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Pulls out some Irons, and forces the Lock.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Hark! hark! if he is not equipt for a -Housebreaker, too. Very well, he has provided two -Strings to his Bow; if he 'scapes the Rape, he may be -hang'd upon the Burglary.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] There, 'tis done, so: No Watch-Light -burning? [<em>Peeping into her Chamber.</em>] All in -darkness? So much the better, 'twill save a great deal -of blushing on both Sides. Methinks I feel myself -mighty modest, I tremble too; that's not proper at -this Time. Be firm, my Courage, I have Business for -thee—So—How am I now? Pretty well. Then by -your Leave, Don <em>Pedro</em>, I must supply your Neglect. -You should not have married till you were ready for -Consummation; a Maidenhead ought no more to lie -upon a handsome Bride, than an Impeachment upon -an innocent Minister.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Don</span> John enters the Chamber.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> [<em>Coming forwards.</em>] Well done, well done; -God-a-mercy, my little <em>Judas</em>. Unfortunate Don -<em>Pedro</em>! thou hast left thy Purse in the Hands of a -Robber; and while thou art galloping to pay the last -Duty to thy Father, he's at least upon the Trot to pay -the first to thy Wife. Ah the Traitor! What a <em>Capilotade</em> -of Damnation will there be cook'd up for him! -But softly: Let's lay our Ear to the Door, and pick up -some Curiosities——I hear no Noise——There's no -Light; we shall have him blunder where he should not -do, by and by——commit a Rape upon her Tea-Table, -perhaps, break all her China, and then she'll -be sure to hang him. But hark—now I hear—nothing; -she does not say a Word; she sleeps curiously. -How if she shou'd take it all for a Dream, now? Or -her Virtue shou'd be fallen into an Apoplexy? Where -the Pox will all this end?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_344" id="Page_344">[Pg 344]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> [<em>Within.</em>] <em>Jacinta</em>! <em>Beatrix</em>! <em>Fernandez</em>! -Murder! Murder! help! help! help!</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Now the Play begins, it opens finely.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> [<em>Within.</em>] Father! <em>Alphonso!</em> Save me, O save -me!</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Comedy or Tragedy, for a Ducat! for fear of -the latter, decamp <em>Lopez</em>.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Lopez</span>.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em> <em>changes to <span class="antiqua">Leonora</span>'s Bed-Chamber; -discovers <span class="antiqua">Leonora</span> in a Gown, holding Don <span class="antiqua">John</span> -by the Sleeve.</em></h4> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Whoever you are, Villain, you shan't escape -me; and tho' your Efforts have been in vain, you -shan't fail to receive the Recompence of your Attempt: -Help, ho, help there! help!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Don <span class="antiqua">John</span> breaks from her, but can't find the Door.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] S'death, I shall be undone! -Where is this damn'd Door?</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> He'll get away: a Light there, quickly.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">Guzman</span> with his Sword drawn.</em> -</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Where are you, fair Angel? I come to -lose my Life in your Defence.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] That's <em>Guzman</em>'s Voice? The -Devil has sent him: But we are still in the dark; I -have one <em>Tour</em> yet—Impudence, be my Aid. Light -there, ho! Where is the Villain that durst attempt the -virtuous <em>Leonora</em>.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> His Life shall make her Satisfaction.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Or mine shall fall in his pursuit.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> 'Tis by my Hands that she shall see -him die.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> My Sword shall lay him bleeding at her -Feet.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] What can this mean? But here's Light -at last, thank the just bounteous Heaven.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Enter with the Light there; but secure -the Door, lest the Traitor 'scape my Vengeance.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_345" id="Page_345">[Pg 345]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">Pedro</span>, with a Light, he finds <span class="antiqua">Leonora</span> between -them; both their Swords drawn.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> O Heavens! what is't I see?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Don <em>Pedro</em> here!</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> What monstrous Scene is this?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> What Accident has brought him here?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> How I'm intrigu'd, indeed.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Aside.</em></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Don <span class="antiqua">Pedro</span> steps back and shuts the Door.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] This Mystery must unfold before -we part. What Torments has my Fate provided me? -Is this the Comfort I'm to reap, to dry my Tears, for -my poor Father's death? [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Leo</span>.</em>] Ah <em>Leonora</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Alas! where will this end!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Falling into a Chair.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Naked! and thus attended at the -dead of Night! My Soul is froze at what I see. Confusion -sits in all their Faces, and in large Characters I -read the Ruin of my Honour and my Love.</p> - -<p>[<em>To the Men.</em>] Speak, Statues, if you yet have Power -to speak, why at this Time of Night you are found with -<em>Leonora</em>?——None speak! Don <em>John</em>, it is from you I -ought to know.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> My Silence may inform you.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Your Silence does inform me of my Shame, -but I must have some Information more; explain the -whole.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I shall. You remember, Don <em>Pedro</em>——</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Be quick.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> You remember you charged me before -you went——</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> I remember well; go on.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> With the Care of your Honour.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> I did; dispatch.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Very well; you see Don <em>Guzman</em> in this -Apartment, you see your Wife naked, and you see me, -my Sword in my Hand;—that's all.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>Drawing upon Don <span class="antiqua">Guz</span>.</em>] 'Tis here, then, -I am to revenge my Wrongs.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_346" id="Page_346">[Pg 346]</a></span></p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Hold.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Villain, defend thyself.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> O Heaven!</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Yet hear me.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> What canst thou say?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> The Truth, as holy Heaven itself is -Truth! I heard the Shrieks and Cries of <em>Leonora</em>; what -the Occasion was I knew not; but she repeated them -with so much Vehemence, I found, whatever her Distress -might be, her Succour must be sudden; so leapt -the Wall that parts our Houses, and flew to her Assistance. -Don <em>John</em> can, if he please, inform you more.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Mankind's a Villain, and this -may be true; yet 'tis too monstrous for a quick Conception. -I shou'd be cautious how I wrong Don <em>John</em>. -Sure 'tis not right to balance. I yet have but their -Words against their Words; I know Don <em>John</em> for my -Friend, and <em>Guzman</em> for my Rival. What can be clearer? -Yet hold! If <em>Leonora</em>'s innocent, she may untangle all. -Madam, I shou'd be glad to know (if I have so much -Interest left) which Way your Evidence will point my -Sword.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> My Lord, I'm in the same Perplexity with you: -All I can say is this; one of them came to force me, -t'other to save me: but the Night confounding the -Villainy of the Guilty with the Generosity of the Innocent, -I still am ignorant to which I owe my Gratitude, -or my Resentment.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> But, Madam, did you not hear me cry, -I came to help you?</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> I own it.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> And did you not hear me threaten to destroy -the Author of your Fears?</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> I can't deny it.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> What can there be more to clear me?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Or me?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Yet one's a Villain still.</p> - -<p>[<em>Aside.</em>] My Confusion but increases; yet why confus'd? -It is, it must be <em>Guzman</em>. But how came Don -<em>John</em> here? Right. <em>Guzman</em> has said how he came to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_347" id="Page_347">[Pg 347]</a></span> -her Aid, but <em>Alvarada</em> cou'd not enter but by Treason. -Then perish——</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em>. Who?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Who?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Just Gods, instruct me who!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Don. <span class="antiqua">Felix</span> knocks.</em> -</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> [<em>Within.</em>] Let me in, open the Door.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> 'Tis my Father.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> No Matter; keep the Door fast. -[<em>Aside.</em>] I'll have this Matter go no further, till I can -reach the Depth on't. Don <em>Guzman</em>, leave the House; -I must suspend my Vengeance for a Time.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> I obey you; but I'll lose my Life, or -shew my Innocence.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Don <span class="antiqua">Guz</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> [<em>Within.</em>] Open the Door; why am I kept -out?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Don <em>John</em>, follow me by this back Way. -And you, <em>Leonora</em>, retire.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Leonora</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> [<em>Aside, following Don <span class="antiqua">Ped</span>.</em>] If Don <em>Guzman</em>'s -Throat were cut, would not this Bustle end?—Yes——Why -then, if his Throat be not cut, may this -Bustle end me!</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-361.jpg" width="700" height="41" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_IV5" id="ACT_IV5"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> IV.</a></h3> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Don</em> Guzman's <em>House</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">Guzman</span>, and <span class="antiqua">Galindo</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> <em><span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">G</span>alindo!</span></em></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Musing.</em></p> - -<p><em>Gal.</em> Sir.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Try if you can see <em>Jacinta</em>, let her privately -know I wou'd fain speak with her.</p> - -<p><em>Gal.</em> It shall be done, Sir.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit. <span class="antiqua">Gal</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Don <span class="antiqua">Guzman</span> solus.</em> -</p> - -<p>Sure Villainy and Impudence were never on the -Stretch before! This Traitor has racked them till<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_348" id="Page_348">[Pg 348]</a></span> -they crack. To what a Plunge the Villain's <em>Tour</em> has -brought me. <em>Pedro</em>'s Resentment must at last be pointed -here: But that's a Trifle; had he not ruin'd me -with <em>Leonora</em>, I easily had pass'd him by the rest.——What's -to be done? Which Way shall I convince her -of my Innocence? The Blood of him who has dar'd -declare me Guilty, may satisfy my Vengeance, but not -aid my Love. No; I'm lost with her for ever——</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Jacinta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Speak: is't not so, <em>Jacinta</em>? Am I not ruin'd with -the virtuous <em>Leonora</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> One of you, I suppose, is.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Which dost thou think?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Why he that came to spoil all; who shou'd -it be?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Pr'ythee be serious with me if thou can'st, -for one small Moment, and advise me which Way I -shall take to convince her of my Innocence, that it was -I that came to do her Service.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Why, you both came to do her Service, did -not you?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Still trifling.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> No, by my Troth, not I.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Then turn thy Thoughts to ease me in -my Torment, and be my faithful Witness to her, that -Heaven and Hell and all their Wrath I imprecate, if -ever once I knew one fleeting Thought that durst propose -to me so impious an Attempt. No, <em>Jacinta</em>, I -love her well; but love with that Humility, whatever -Misery I feel, my Torture ne'er shall urge me on to -seize more than her Bounty gives me leave to take.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> And the Murrain take such a Lover, and his -Humility both, say I. Why, sure, Sir, you are not -in earnest in this Story; are you?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Why dost thou question it?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Because I really and seriously thought you innocent.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Innocent! What dost thou mean?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Mean! Why, what shou'd I mean? I mean -that I concluded you lov'd my Lady to that Degree,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_349" id="Page_349">[Pg 349]</a></span> -you cou'd not live without her: And that the Thought -of her being given up to another, made your Passion -flame out like Mount <em>Etna</em>: That upon this your -Love got the Bridle in his Teeth, and ran away with -you into her Chamber, where that impertinent Spy -upon her and you, Don <em>John</em>, follow'd, and prevented -farther Proofs of your Affection.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Why, sure——</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Why, sure, thus I thought it was, and thus -she thinks it is. If you have a Mind in the Depth of -your Discretion, to convince her of your Innocence—May -your Innocence be your Reward! I'm sure were I -in her Place, you shou'd never have any other from me.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Was there then no Merit in flying to her -Assistance when I heard her Cries?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> As much as the Constable and the Watch -might have pretended to—something to drink.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> This is all Raillery; 'tis, impossible she -can be pleas'd with such an Attempt.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> 'Tis impossible she can be pleas'd with being -reduc'd to make the Attempt upon you.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> But was this a proper Way to save her -Blushes?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> 'Twas in the dark; that's one Way.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> But it must look like downright Violation.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> If it did not feel like it, what did that signify? -Come, Sir, Waggery apart: You know I'm -your Servant; I have given you Proofs on't. Therefore, -don't distrust me now, if I tell you, this Quarrel -may be made up with the Wife, tho' perhaps not with -the Husband. In short, she thinks you were first in her -Chamber, and has not the worse Opinion of you for -it; she makes Allowance for your Sufferings, and has -still Love enough for you, not to be displeas'd with -the utmost Proofs you can give, that you have still a -warm Remain for her.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> If this be true, and that she thought 'twas -me, why did me cry out to expose me?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Because at this Time she did not think 'twas -you. Will that content you? And now she does think<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_350" id="Page_350">[Pg 350]</a></span> -'twas you, your Business is to let her think so on; for, -in a Word, I can see she's concern'd at the Danger she -has brought you into, and, I believe, wou'd be heartily -glad to see you well out on't.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em>——'Tis impossible she can forgive me.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Oons—Now Heaven forgive me, for I had a -great Oath upon the very Tip of my Tongue; you'd -make one mad with your Impossibles, and your Innocence, -and your Humilities. 'Sdeath, Sir, do you think -a Woman makes no Distinction between the Assaults of -a Man she likes and one she don't? My Lady hates Don -<em>John</em>, and if she thought 'twas he had done this Job, -she'd hang him for't in her own Garters; she likes you, -and if you shou'd do such another, you might still die -in your Bed like a Bishop, for her.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Well, I'll dispute no farther. I put myself -into thy Hands. What am I to do next?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Why, do as she bids you; be in the Way at -the old Rendezvous, she'll take the first Occasion she -can to speak to you; and when you meet, do as I bid -you, and instead of your Innocent and Humble, be -Guilty and Resolute. Your Mistress is now marry'd, -Sir; consider that. She has chang'd her Situation, and -so must you your Battery. Attack a Maid gently, a -Wife warmly, and be as rugged with a Widow as you -can. Good bye t'ye, Sir.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt several Ways.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Don</em> Felix's <em>House</em>.</h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">Pedro</span> solus.</em> -</p> - -<p class="drop-capw"><span class="smcap">In</span> what Distraction have I past this Night! Sure I -shall never close my Eyes again! No Rack can equal -what I feel. Wounded in both my Honour and my -Love; they have pierc'd me in two tender Parts. Yet -cou'd I take my just Revenge, it wou'd in some Degree -assuage my Smart. O! guide me Heaven to that -Cordial drop.——Hold! A Glance of Light I think -begins to——Yes——Right. When Yesterday I -brought Don <em>John</em> hither, was not Don <em>Felix</em> much -disturb'd?——He was; and why?——That may be -worth enquiring. But something more occurs. At my -Arrival in this City, was I not told that two Cavaliers<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_351" id="Page_351">[Pg 351]</a></span> -were warm in the Pursuit of <em>Leonora</em>? One I remember -well, they nam'd, 'twas <em>Guzman</em>: The other, I am -yet a Stranger to. I fear I shall not be so long——'Tis -<em>Alvarada</em>! O the Traitor! yet I may wrong him -much. I have <em>Guzman</em>'s own Confession that he past -the Wall to come to <em>Leonora</em>——O! but 'twas to her -Assistance——And so it might, and he a Villain still.—There -are Assistances of various Sorts——What were -her Wants?—That's dark—But whatsoe'er they were, -he came to her Assistance. Death be his Portion, for -his ready Service.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">Felix</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> You avoid me, Don <em>Pedro</em>; 'tis not well. -Am I not your Father, have you not Reason to believe -I am your Friend?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> I have.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Why do you not then treat me like a Father -and a Friend? The Mystery you make to me of -last Night's Disturbance, I take unkindly from you.—Come, -tell me your Grief, that if I can I may assuage it.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Nothing but Vengeance can give me ease.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> If I desire to know your Wrongs, 'tis to assist -you in revenging 'em.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Know then, that last Night in this Apartment -I found Don <em>Guzman</em> and Don <em>John</em>.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> <em>Guzman</em> and <em>Alvarada</em>?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Yes; and <em>Leonora</em> almost naked between -them, crying out for Aid.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Were they both guilty?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> One was come to force her, t'other to rescue -her.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Which was the Criminal?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Of that I am yet ignorant. They accuse -each other.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Can't your Wife determine it?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> The Darkness of the Night put it out of -her Power.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> But I perhaps may bring some Light to aid -you. I have Part in the Affront: And tho' my Arm's -too old and weak to serve you, my Counsel may be use<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_352" id="Page_352">[Pg 352]</a></span>ful -to your Vengeance. Know then, that Don <em>Guzman</em> -has a long Time pursu'd my Daughter; and I as resolutely -refus'd his Suit; which, however, has not hindered -him from searching all Occasions to see and speak -to her. Don <em>John</em>, on his Side——</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Don <em>John</em>'s my Friend, and I am confident——</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> That Confidence destroys you. Hear my -Charge, and be yourself his Judge. He too has been -a pressing Suitor to my Daughter.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Impossible!</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> To me myself, he has own'd his Love to -her.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em>. Good Gods! Yet still this leaves the Mystery -where it was; this Charge is equal.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> 'Tis true; but yonder's one (if you can -make her speak) I have Reason, to believe can tell us -more.——Ho, <em>Jacinta</em>!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Jacinta</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Do you call me, Sir?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Fel.</em> Yes; Don <em>Pedro</em> wou'd speak with you. -[<em>To Don <span class="antiqua">Pedro</span> aside.</em>] I'll leave you with her; press her; -press her both by Threats and Promises, and if you find -your Wife in Fault, old as I am, her Father too, I'll -raise my Arm to plunge this Dagger in her Breast, and -by that Firmness convince the world, my Honour's -dearer to me than my Child.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Don <span class="antiqua">Fel</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Heaven grant me Power to stifle -my Rage, till 'tis Time to let my Vengeance fly. -<em>Jacinta</em>, come near: I have some Business with you.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] His Business with me at this Time -can be good for nothing, I doubt.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> [<em>To Don <span class="antiqua">Ped</span>.</em>] What Commands have you, Sir, -for me? I'm not very well.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> What's your Disorder?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> A little Sort of a something towards an Ague, -I think.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> You don't seem so ill, but you may tell me—</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> O, I can tell you nothing, Sir, I assure you.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_353" id="Page_353">[Pg 353]</a></span></p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> You answer me before yon hear my Question. -That looks as if you knew——</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> I know that what you are going to ask me, is a -Secret I'm out at.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>Offering her a Purse.</em>] Then this shall let -thee into it.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> I know nothing of the Matter.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Come, tell me all, and take thy Reward.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> I know nothing of the Matter, I say.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>Drawing his Sword.</em>] Speak; or by all the -Flame and Fire of Hell Eternal—</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> O Lard, O Lard, O Lard!</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Speak, or th'art dead.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> But if I do speak, shan't I be dead for all that?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Speak, and thou art safe.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Well—O Lard—I'm so frighted—But if I -must speak then—O dear Heart—give me the Purse.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> There.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Why truly, between a Purse in one's Hand—and—a -Sword in one's Guts, I think there's little room -left for Debate.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Come begin, I'm impatient.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Begin! let me see, where shall I begin? At -Don <em>Guzman</em>, I think.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> What of him?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Why he has been in love with my Lady these -six Years.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> I know it; but how has she received him?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Receive him! Why—as young Maids use to -receive handsome Fellows; at first ill, afterwards better.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Furies! -Did they ever meet?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> A little.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> By Day or Night?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Both.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Distraction! Where was their Rendezvous?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Where they cou'd not do one another much -good.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> As how?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> As through a Hole in a Wall.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_354" id="Page_354">[Pg 354]</a></span></p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> The Strumpet banters me: Be serious, Insolence, -or I shall spoil your Gaiety; I'm not dispos'd to -Mirth.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Why I am serious, if you like my Story the -better for't.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] How miserable a Wretch am I!</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> I tell you there's a Wall parts their two Houses, -and in that Wall there's a Hole. How the Wall came -by the Hole, I can't tell; mayhap by chance, mayhap -by no chance; but there 'tis, and there they use to -prattle.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> And this is Truth?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> I can't bate you a Word on't, Sir.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> When did they meet there last?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Yesterday; I suppose 'twas only to bid one -another adieu.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Ah, <em>Jacinta</em>, thou hast pierced my Soul!</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] And yet I han't told you half I cou'd -tell you, my Don.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Where is this Place you speak of?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> There 'tis, if you are curious.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> When they wou'd speak with one another; -what's the Call?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Tinkle, Tinkle.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> A Bell?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> It is.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Ring.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> What do you mean, Sir?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>Hastily.</em>] Ring.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> 'Tis done.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] I'll make use of her to examine -him. Does he come?</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> Not yet.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Pull again.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> You must give him Time, Sir: My Lady always -does so.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> I hear something.</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> 'Tis he.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> [<em>Within.</em>] Who's there?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em>.. [<em>Softly.</em>] Say you are <em>Leonora</em>.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_355" id="Page_355">[Pg 355]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Dumb Shew of her Unwillingness and his Threatning.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> [<em>Softly.</em>] 'Tis <em>Leonora</em>.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> What are your Commands, Madam? Is -it possible so unfortunate a Wretch as I can be capable -of serving you?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Don</span> Ped. whispers <span class="antiqua">Jacinta</span>, who seems backwards to -speak.</em></p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> I come to ask you, how cou'd you so far forget -that infinite Regard you have professed, as to make an -Attempt so dangerous both to yourself and me; and -which, with all the Esteem and Love I have ever borne -you, you scarce cou'd hope I ever shou'd forgive you.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Alas! my Hopes and Fears were vanish'd -too. My Counsel was my Love and my Despair. If -they advis'd me wrong, of them complain, for it was -you who made 'em my Directors.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] The Villain owns the Fact. It -seems he thinks he has not so much to fear from her Resentment.——O -Torture!</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Leonora</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] So, she's here; that's as I expected: -now we are blown up.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> [<em>Aside, not seeing them.</em>] If I don't mistake, I -heard Don <em>Guzman</em>'s Call. I can't refuse to answer it. -Forgive me, Gods, and let my Woman's Weakness plead -my Cause.—How! my Husband here! Nay then——</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> You seem disorder'd, Madam; pray, what -may be the Cause?</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> [<em>Confus'd.</em>] I don't know, really; I'm not——I -don't know that——</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> You did not know that I was here, I guess?</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Yes, I did, and——came to speak with you.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> I'm not at present in a talking Humour, -but if your Tongue is set to Conversation, there's one -behind the Wall will entertain you.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> But is it possible, fair <em>Leonora</em>, that you -can pardon my Attempt?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>To Leo.</em>] You hear him, Madam; he dares -own it to you.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_356" id="Page_356">[Pg 356]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] <em>Jacinta</em> winks; I guess what Scene -they have been acting here. My Part is now to play.</p> - -<p>[<em>To Don <span class="antiqua">Ped</span>.</em>] I see, Sir, he dares own it: Nor is he -the first lover has pressum'd beyond the Countenance he -ever has receiv'd. Pray draw near, and hear what he -has more to say: It is my Interest you shou'd know the -Depth of all has ever passed between us.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> [<em>To Don <span class="antiqua">Guz</span>.</em>] I fain wou'd know, Don <em>Guzman</em>, -whether in the whole Conduct of my Life, you have -known one step, that cou'd encourage you to hope I ever -cou'd be yours, but on the Terms of Honour which -you sought me?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Not one.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> Why then should you believe I cou'd forgive the -taking that by Force, which you already were convinc'd -I valu'd more the keeping, than my Life?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Had my Love been as temperate as yours, -I with your Reason had perhaps debated. But not in -Reason, but in Flames, I flew to <em>Leonora</em>.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> If strong Temptation be allow'd a Plea, Vice, -in the worst of Shapes, has much to urge:—No, cou'd -any Thing have shaken me in Virtue, it must have been -the Strength of it in you. Had you shone bright enough -to dazzle me, I blindly might have missed the Path I -meant to tread: But now you have clear'd my Sight for -ever. If, therefore, from this Moment more you dare -to let me know one Thought of Love, though in the -humblest Stile, expect to be a Sacrifice to him you attempt -to wrong.——Farewel!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>She retires from him.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> O stay and hear me!—I have wrong'd myself; -I'm innocent!—--By all that's sacred, just and -good, I'm innocent!</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] What does he mean?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> I have own'd a Fact I am not guilty of! -<em>Jacinta</em> can inform you; she knows I never——</p> - -<p><em>Jacin.</em> I know! The Man's mad: Pray, begone, -Sir, my Lady will hear no more; I'll shut him out, -Madam, shan't I?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>She shuts the Hole.</em></p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> I have no farther Business with him.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_357" id="Page_357">[Pg 357]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Isabella</span> hastily.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> O Heavens, <em>Leonora</em>, where are you? Don -<em>Pedro</em>, you can assist me better.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> What's the Matter?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> What is it, Madam, I can serve you in?</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> In what the Peace of my whole Life consists; -the Safety of my Brother! Don <em>John</em>'s Servant has this -Moment left me a Letter for him, which I have open'd, -knowing there is an Animosity of some Time between 'em.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Well, Madam!</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> O dear, it is a Challenge, and what to do I -know not; if I shew it my Brother, he'll immediately -fly to the Place appointed; and if I don't, he'll be accus'd -of Cowardice. One way I risque his Life, -t'other I ruin his Honour.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> What wou'd you have me do, Madam?</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> I'll tell you, Sir: I only beg you'll go to the -Place where Don <em>John</em> expects him; tell him I have -intercepted his Letter, and make him promise you he'll -send no more: By this generous Charity you may hinder -two Men (whose, Piques are on a frivolous Occasion) -from murdering one another! And by this good Office, -you'll repay the small Debt you owe my Brother, -for flying last Night to <em>Leonora</em>'s Succour; and doubly -pay the Obligation you have to me, upon the same Occasion.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> What Obligation, Madam? I am ignorant; -pray inform me.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> 'Twas I, Sir, that first heard <em>Leonora</em>'s Cries, -and rais'd my Brother to her Aid. Pray let me receive -the same Assistance from your Prudence, which you have -had from my Care, and my Brother's Generosity. But, -pray lose no Time. Don <em>John</em> is perhaps already on -the Spot, and not meeting my Brother, may send a -second Message, which may be fatal.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Madam, be at rest; you shall be satisfy'd, -I'll go this Moment. I'll only ask you first whether you -are sure you heard my Wife call out for Succour, before -your Brother past the Wall?</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> I did; why do you ask that Question?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_358" id="Page_358">[Pg 358]</a></span></p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> I have a Reason, you may be sure. -[<em>Aside.</em>] Just Heaven, I adore thee! The Truth at last -shines clear, and by that Villain <em>Alvarada</em> I'm betray'd. -But enough; I'll make Use of this Occasion for my -Vengeance. [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Isab</span>.</em>] Where, Madam, is it, Don -<em>John</em> is waiting?</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> But here, in a small Field, behind the Garden.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] His Blood shall do me Reason for -his Treachery.</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> Will you go there directly?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> I will. Be satisfy'd.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Ex. <span class="antiqua">Don Ped</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> You weep, <em>Isabella</em>?</p> - -<p><em>Isab.</em> You see my Trouble for a Brother for whom I -wou'd die, and a Lover for whom I wou'd live. They -both are Authors of my Grief.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> They both are Instruments of my Misfortune.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-372.jpg" width="700" height="35" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_V5" id="ACT_V5"><em class="gesperrt">ACT</em> V.</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Lopez</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p class="drop-capw"><span class="smcap">Oho!</span> my good Signior Don <em>John</em>, you are mistaken -in your Man; I am your humble Valet, 'tis -true, and I am to obey you; but when you have got -the Devil in your Body, and are upon your Rantipole -Adventures, you shall <em>Quixote</em> it by yourself, for <em>Lopez</em>. -Yonder he is, waiting for poor <em>Guzman</em>, with a Sword -of a Fathom and a Half; a Dagger for close engagement; -and (if I don't mistake) a Pocket-pistol for extraordinary -Occasions. I think I am not in the wrong -to keep a little out of the Way: These Matters will -end in a Court of Justice, or I'm wrong in my Foresight: -Now that being a Place where I am pretty well -known, and not over-much reputed, I believe 'tis best, -neither to come in for Prisoner nor Evidence. But -hold; yonder comes another <em>Toledo</em>! Don <em>Guzman</em> I -presume, but I presume wrong, it is—who is it? Don -<em>Pedro</em>, by all the Powers! What the Pox does he here, -or what the Pox do I here? I'm sure as Matters stand, I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_359" id="Page_359">[Pg 359]</a></span> -ought to fly him like a Creditor; but he sees me, 'tis -too late to slip him.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">Pedro</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> How now, <em>Lopez</em>; where are you going?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> I'm going, Sir, I——I'm going—if you please——I'm -going about my Business.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> From whence do you come?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Only, only, Sir, from—taking the Air a little, -I'm mightily muddled with a Whur——round about in -my Head, for this Day or two; I'm going home to -be let Blood, as fast as I can, Sir.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Hold, Sir; I'll let you Blood here.</p> - -<p>This Rascal may have borne some Part in this late -Adventure: He's a Coward; I'll try to frighten it out -of him.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Seizing him by the Collar, and drawing his Poniard.</em></p> - -<p>You Traitor, you, y' are dead.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Mercy, Don <em>Pedro</em>!</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Are you not a Villain?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em><span class="antiqua">Lop.</span> kneeling.</em></p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Yes; if you please.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Is there so great a one upon Earth?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> With respect to my Master——No.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Prepare then to die!</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Give me but Time, and I will. But, noble Don -<em>Pedro</em>, just Don <em>Pedro</em>, generous Don <em>Pedro</em>, what is it -I have done?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> What, if thou dar'st deny, I'll plunge -this Dagger deep into thy Throat, and drive the Falsehood -to thy Heart again. Therefore, take heed, and -on thy Life declare, didst thou not this last night -open my Doors to let Don <em>Guzman</em> in?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Don <em>Guzman</em>!</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Don <em>Guzman</em>! Yes, Don <em>Guzman</em>, Traitor; -him.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Now may the Sky crush me, if I let in Don -<em>Guzman</em>.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Who did let you in then? It was not your -Master, sure! If it was him, you did your Duty; I have -no more to say.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Why then, if I let in any Body else, I'm a Son -of a Whore.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_360" id="Page_360">[Pg 360]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Rising.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Did he order you beforehand, or did you -do it upon his knocking?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Why he—I'll tell you, Sir, he——pray put up -that Brilliant, it sparkles so in my Eyes, it almost blinds -me—thank you, Sir.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Don <span class="antiqua">Ped.</span> puts it up.</em></p> - -<p>Why, Sir, I'll tell you just how the Matter was, but -I hope you won't consider me as a Party.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Go on; thou art safe.</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Why then, Sir, when (for our Sins) you had -left us, says my Master to me, <em>Lopez</em>, says he, go and -stay at old Don <em>Felix</em>'s House, till Don <em>Pedro</em> returns; -they'll pass thee for his Servant, and think he has order'd -thee to stay there. And then, says he, dost hear, -open me the Door by <em>Leonora</em>'s Apartment to-night, for -I have a little Business, says he, to do there.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] Perfidious Wretch!</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Indeed, I was at first a little resty, and stood off; -being suspicious (for I knew the Man) that there might -be some ill Intentions. But he knew me too, takes me -upon the weak Side, whips out a long Sword, and by -the same Means makes me do the Thing, as you have -made me discover it.—[<em>Aside.</em>] There's neither Liberty -nor Property in this Land, since the Blood of the <em>Bourbons</em> -came amongst us.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Then you let him in, as he bid you?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> I did: If I had not, I had never lived to tell -you the Story. Yes, I let him in.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> And what follow'd?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Why, he follow'd.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> What?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> His Inclinations.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Which Way?</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> The old Way:—To a Woman.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em>. Confound him!</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> In short, he got to Madam's Chamber, and before -he had been there long, (tho' you know, Sir, a -little Time goes a great Way in some Matters) I heard -such a clutter of small Shot, Murder, Murder, Murder, -Rape, Fire, Help, and so forth—But hold, here he comes<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_361" id="Page_361">[Pg 361]</a></span> -himself, and can give you a more circumstantial Account -of the Skirmish.</p> - -<p><em>Don Ped.</em> I thank thee, Heaven, at last, for having -pointed me to the Victim I am to sacrifice.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Ex. <span class="antiqua">Lop.</span></em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>[<em>Drawing.</em>] Villain, defend thyself.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> What do you mean?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> To punish a Traitor.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Where is he?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> In the Heart of a sworn Friend.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] I saw <em>Lopez</em>, go from him, without -doubt he has told him all.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>To Don <span class="antiqua">Ped</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Of what am I suspected?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Of betraying the greatest Trust that Man -cou'd place in Man.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> And by whom am I accus'd?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> By me: Have at thy Traitor's Heart!</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Hold! And be not quite a Madman.—<em>Pedro</em>, -you know me well: You know I am not backward -upon these Occasions, nor shall I refuse you any -Satisfaction you'll demand; but first, I will be heard, -and tell you, That for a Man of Sense, you are pleas'd -to make very odd Conclusions.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Why, what is it possible thou canst invent -to clear thyself?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> To clear myself! Of what? I'm to be -thank'd for what I have done, and not reproach'd. I -find I have been an Ass, and push'd my Friendship to -that Point, you find not Virtue in yourself enough to -conceive it in another. But henceforward, I shall be a -better Husband of it.</p> - -<p><em>Don Ped.</em> I shou'd be loth to find Ingratitude cou'd -e'er be justly charg'd upon me: But after what your -Servant has confess'd——</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> My Servant! Right, my Servant! The -very Thing I guess'd. Fye, fye, Don <em>Pedro</em>; is it -from a Servant's Mouth a Friend condemns a Friend? -Or can Servants always judge at what their Master's -outward Actions point? But some Allowances I shou'd<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_362" id="Page_362">[Pg 362]</a></span> -make for the wild Agitation you must needs be in. I'm -therefore calm, and thus far pass all by.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> If you are innocent, Heaven be my Aid, -that I may find you so. But still——</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> But still you wrong me, if you still suspect. -Hear then, in short, my part of this Adventure. -In order to acquit myself of the Charge you laid upon -me in your Absence, I went last night, just as 'twas -dark, to view the several Approaches of the House -where you had left your Wife; and I observ'd not far -from one of the back Doors, two Persons in close eager -Conference: I was disguis'd, so ventur'd to pass near -'em, and by a Word or two I heard, I found 'twas -<em>Guzman</em> talking to <em>Jacinta</em>. My Concern for your -Honour, made me at first resolve to call him to an immediate -Account. But then reflecting that I might -possibly over-hear some Part of their Discourse, and by -that judge of <em>Leonora</em>'s Thoughts, I rein'd my Passion -in; and by the help of an advancing Buttress, which -kept me from their Sight, I learnt the black Conspiracy. -Don <em>Guzman</em> said, he had great Complaint to make; -and since his honourable Love had been so ill return'd, -he could with ease forgive himself, if by some rougher -Means he should procure, what Prayers and Tears and -Sighs had urg'd in vain.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Go on.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> His kind Assistant clos'd smoothly with -him, and inform'd him with what ease that very Night -she'd introduce him to her Chamber. At last, they -parted, with this Agreement, that at some Overture -in a Wall, he should expect her to inform him when -<em>Leonora</em> was in Bed, and all the Coast was clear.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Dispatch the rest—Is't possible after all he -should be innocent!</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I must confess the Resolution taken, made -me tremble for you: How to prevent it now and for -ever, was my next Care. I immediately order'd <em>Lopez</em> -to go lie at Don <em>Felix</em>'s, and to open me the Door when -all the Family were in Bed. He did as I directed him. -I enter'd, and in the dark found my way to <em>Leonora</em>'s<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_363" id="Page_363">[Pg 363]</a></span> -Apartment. I found the Door open, at which I was -surpriz'd. I thought I heard some stirring in her Chamber, -and in an Instant heard her cry for Aid. At this -I drew, and rush'd into the Room, which <em>Guzman</em>, -alarm'd at, cry'd out to her Assistance. His ready Impudence, -I must confess, at first quite struck me speechless; -but in a Moment I regain'd my Tongue, and -loud proclaim'd the Traitor.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Is't possible?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Yet more: your Arrival hindring me at -that Time from taking Vengeance for your Wrong, I -at this Instant expect him here, to punish him (with -Heaven's righteous Aid) for daring to attempt my -Ruin with the Man, whose Friendship I prefer to all -the Blessings Heaven and Earth dispense. And now, -Don <em>Pedro</em>, I have told you this, if still you have a -Mind to take my Life, I shall defend it with the self-same -Warmth I intended to expose it in your Service.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Draws.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] If I did not know he was in love -with <em>Leonora</em>, I could be easily surpriz'd with what he -has told me. But—But yet 'tis certain he has destroyed -the Proofs against him; and if I only hold him guilty -as a Lover; why must Don <em>Guzman</em> pass for innocent? -Good Gods, I am again returning to my Doubts!</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] I have at last reduc'd him to a -Balance, but one Lye more tost in, will turn the Scale.</p> - -<p><em>To Don <span class="antiqua">Ped.</span></em>] One Obligation more, my Friend, you -owe me; I thought to have let it pass, but it shall out. -Know then, I lov'd, like you, the beauteous <em>Leonora</em>; -but from the Moment I observ'd how deep her Dart had -pierc'd you, tore my Passion from my bleeding Heart, -and sacrific'd my Happiness to yours. Now, I have -no more to plead; if still you think your Vengeance is -my due, come pay it me.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Rather ten thousand Poignards strike me -dead! O <em>Alvarada</em>! can you forgive a wild distracted -Friend? Gods! Whither was my jealous Frenzy leading -me? Can you forget this barbarous Injury?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I can: No more. But for the future, -think me what I am, a faithful and a zealous Friend.—<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_364" id="Page_364">[Pg 364]</a></span>Retire, -and leave me here. In a few Moments I hope -to bring you further Proofs on't. <em>Guzman</em> I instantly -expect, leave me to do you Justice on him.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> That must not be. My Revenge can ne'er -be satisfy'd by any other Hand but this.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Then let That do't. You'll in a Moment -have an Opportunity.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> You mistake; he won't be here.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> How so?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> He has not had your Challenge. His Sister -intercepted it, and desired I wou'd come to prevent the -Quarrel.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> What then is to be done?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> I'll go and find him out immediately.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Very well: Or hold——[<em>Aside.</em>] I must -hinder 'em from talking. Gossiping may discover me. -Yes: let's go and find him: Or, let me see——Aye,——'twill -do better.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> What?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Why——That the Punishment should -suit the Crime.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Explain.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Attack him by his own Laws of War— -'Twas in the Night he would have had your Honour, -and in the Night you ought to have his Life.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> His Treason cannot take the Guilt from -mine.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> There is no Guilt in fair Retaliation. -When 'tis a Point of Honour sounds the Quarrel, the -Laws of Sword-Men must be kept, 'tis true: But if a -Thief glides in to seize my Treasure, methinks I may -return the Favour on my Dagger's Point, as well as -with my Sword of Ceremony six Times as long.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Yet still the nobler Method I wou'd choose; -it better satisfies the Vengeance of a Man of Honour.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I own it, were you sure you shou'd succeed: -But the Events of Combats are uncertain. Your -Enemy may 'scape you: You perhaps may only wound -him; you may be parted. Believe me, <em>Pedro</em>, the Injury's -too great for a Punctilio Satisfaction.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_365" id="Page_365">[Pg 365]</a></span></p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Well, guide me as you please, so you direct -me quickly to my Vengeance. What do you propose?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> That which is as easy, as 'tis just to execute. -The Wall he passed, to attempt your Wife, let us get -over to prevent his doing so any more. 'Twill let us -into a private Apartment by his Garden, where every -Evening in his amorous Solitudes he spends some Time -alone, and where I guess his late fair Scheme was drawn. -The Deed done, we can retreat the Way we enter'd; -let me be your Pilot, 'tis now e'en dark, and the most -proper Time.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Lead on; I'll follow you.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] How many Villanies I'm forc'd -to act, to keep one secret!</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exeunt.</em></p> - - -<h4><em class="gesperrt">SCENE</em>, <em>Don. <span class="antiqua">Guzman</span>'s Apartments.</em></h4> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Don <span class="antiqua">Guzman</span>, sitting solus.</em> -</p> - -<p class="drop-capw"><span class="smcap">With</span> what Rigour does this unfaithful Woman treat -me! Is't possible it can be me, who appeared to love -me with so much Tenderness? How little stress is to be -laid upon a Woman's Heart! Sure they're not worth -those anxious Cares they give. [<em>Rising.</em>] Then burst my -Chains, and give me Room to search for nobler Pleasures. -I feel my Heart begin to mutiny for Liberty; -there is a Spirit in it yet, will struggle hard for Freedom: -but Solitude's the worst of Seconds. Ho! <em>Sancho</em>, -<em>Galindo</em>, who waits there? Bring some Lights.—Where -are you?</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter <span class="antiqua">Galindo</span>, rubbing his Eyes, and drunk.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Galin.</em> I can't well tell. Do you want me, Sir?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Yes, Sir, I want you. Why am I left in -the dark? What were you doing?</p> - -<p><em>Gal.</em> Doing, Sir! I was doing——what one does -when one sleeps, Sir.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Have you no Light without?</p> - -<p><em>Galin.</em> [<em>Yawning.</em>] Light!—--No, Sir,——I have -no Light. I'm us'd to Hardship, I can sleep in the -dark.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_366" id="Page_366">[Pg 366]</a></span></p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> You have been drinking, you Rascal, you -are drunk.</p> - -<p><em>Gal.</em> I have been drinking, Sir, 'tis true, but I am -not drunk. Every Man that is drunk, has been drinking, -confess'd. But every Man that has been drinking, -is not drunk.——Confess that too.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Who is't has put you in this Condition, -you Sot?</p> - -<p><em>Galin.</em> A very honest Fellow: Madam <em>Leonora</em>'s -Coachman, nobody else. I have been making a little -debauch with Madam <em>Leonora</em>'s Coachman; yes.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> How came you to drink with him, Beast?</p> - -<p><em>Gal.</em> Only <em>per</em> Complaisance, Sir. The Coachman -was to be drunk upon Madam's Wedding; and I being -a Friend, was desired to take Part.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> And so, you Villain, you can make yourself -merry, with what renders me miserable.</p> - -<p><em>Galin.</em> No, Sir, no; 'twas the Coachman was merry; -I drank with Tears in my Eyes. The remembrance of -your Misfortunes made me so sad, so sad, that every -Cup I swallow'd was like a Cup of Poison to me.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Without doubt.</p> - -<p><em>Galin.</em> Yes; and to mortify myself upon melancholy -Matters, I believe I took down fifty; yes.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Go fetch some Lights, you drunken Sot, -you.</p> - -<p><em>Galin.</em> I will, if I can find the [<em>Feeling for the Door and running against it.</em>] -Door, that's so say——The -Devil's in the Door; I think 'tis -grown too little for me——Shrunk this wet Weather, -I presume.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Ex. <span class="antiqua">Galin</span>.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Don <span class="antiqua">Guzman</span> alone.</em> -</p> - -<p>Absence, the old Remedy for Love, must e'en be -mine: to stay and brave the Danger, were Presumption: -Farewel <em>Valencia</em>, then, and farewel, <em>Leonora</em>. And -if thou can'st, my Heart, redeem thy Liberty, secure it -by a Farewel eternal to her Sex.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_367" id="Page_367">[Pg 367]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Re-enter <span class="antiqua">Galindo</span> with a Candle, he falls, and puts -it out.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Galin.</em> Here's light, Sir——So,——</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Well done. You sottish [<em>Passing angrily into another Chamber.</em>] -Rascal, come no more in my -Sight.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Ex. Don <span class="antiqua">Guz</span>.</em></p> - -<p><em>Galin.</em> These Boards are so uneven—— -You shall see now I shall neither find [<em>Rising and feeling about for the Candle.</em>] -the Candle——nor the Candlestick; -It shan't be for want of searching, -however.</p> - -<p>----O ho, have I got you? Enough, I'll look for your -Companion to-morrow.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">Pedro</span> and Don <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Where are we now?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> We are in the Apartment I told you of——Softly——I -hear something stir——Ten to -one but 'tis he.</p> - -<p><em>Galin.</em> Don't I hear, somewhat?——No——when -one has Wine in one's Head, one has such a bustle in -one's Ears.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Pedro.</em> [<em>To Don <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em>] Who is that is talking -to himself?</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> 'Tis his Servant, I know his Voice, keep -still.</p> - -<p><em>Galin.</em> Well; since my Master has banished me his -Sight, I'll redeem by my Obedience, what I have lost by -my Debauch. I'll go sleep twelve Hours in some melancholy -Hole where the Devil Shan't find me; yes.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit <span class="antiqua">Galindo</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> He's gone; but hush, I hear somebody -coming.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Ho there! will nobody bring Light?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Behind the Scene.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> 'Tis <em>Guzman</em>.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> 'Tis so, prepare.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Shall I own my Weakness? I feel an inward -Check; I wish this could be done some other way.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_368" id="Page_368">[Pg 368]</a></span></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Distraction all! Is this a Time to balance? -Think on the Injury he would have done you, 'twill fortify -your Arm, and guide your Dagger to his Heart.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Enough, I'll hesitate no more; be satisfy'd; -hark! he's coming.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Don <span class="antiqua">Guzman</span> passes the Stage.</em> -</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> I think these Rogues are resolved to leave -me in the dark all Night.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit Don <span class="antiqua">Guz</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Now's your Time, follow him and strike -home.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> To his Heart, if my Dagger will reach it.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Don <span class="antiqua">Pedro</span> follows him.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] If one be kill'd, I'm satisfy'd; -'tis no great Matter which.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Re-enter Don <span class="antiqua">Guzman</span>, Don <span class="antiqua">Pedro</span> following him, -with his Dagger ready to strike.</em> -</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] My Chamber Door's lock'd, and -I think I hear somebody tread——Who's there?——Nobody -answers. But still I hear something stir. Hola -there! <em>Sancho</em>, are you all drunk? Some Lights here, -quickly.</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Don <span class="antiqua">Guzman</span> passes by the Corner where <span class="antiqua">Don John</span> stands, -and goes of the Stage; Dan <span class="antiqua">Pedro</span> following him, stabs -Don <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em> -</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>Aside.</em>] I think I'm near him now:——Traitor, -take that, my Wife has sent it thee.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Ah, I'm dead!</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Then thou hast thy Due.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I have, indeed; 'tis I that have betray'd -thee.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> And 'tis I that am reveng'd on thee for -doing it.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> I wou'd have forc'd thy Wife.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Die then with the Regret to have fail'd in -thy Attempt.</p> - -<p>Don <em>John.</em> Farewel, if thou can'st forgive me—</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Dies.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> I have done the Deed, there's nothing left -but to make our Escape. Don <em>John</em>, where are you? -Let's begone, I hear the Servants coming.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_369" id="Page_369">[Pg 369]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Lopez</span> knocks hard at the Door.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Open there quickly, open the Door.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> That's <em>Lopez</em>, we shall be discover'd. But -'tis no great Matter, the Crime will justify the Execution; -but where's Don <em>John</em>? Don <em>John</em>, where are you?</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em><span class="antiqua">Lopez</span> knocks again.</em> -</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> Open the Door there, quickly. Madam, I saw -'em both pass the Wall; the Devil's in't if any good -comes on't.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> I am frightened out of my Senses: ho, <em>Isabella</em>!</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> 'Tis <em>Leonora</em>. She's welcome. With her -own Eyes let her see her <em>Guzman</em> dead.</p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em>Enter Don <span class="antiqua">Guzman</span>, <span class="antiqua">Leonora</span>, <span class="antiqua">Isabella</span>, <span class="antiqua">Jacinta</span> and -<span class="antiqua">Lopez</span>, with Lights.</em> -</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Ha! what is't I see? <em>Guzman</em> alive? -Then who art thou?</p> - -<p class="directright">[<em>Looking on Don <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> <em>Guzman</em> alive! Yes, <em>Pedro</em>, <em>Guzman</em> is -alive.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> Then Heaven is just, and there's a Traitor -dead.</p> - -<p><em>Isabella weeps.</em>] Alas, Don <em>John</em>!</p> - -<p><em>Lop.</em> [<em>Looking upon Don <span class="antiqua">John</span>.</em>] <em>Bonus Nocius.</em></p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> What has produced this bloody Scene?</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> 'Tis I have been the Actor in't;——my -Poignard, <em>Guzman</em>, I intended in your Heart.——I -thought your Crime deserv'd it: but I did you wrong, -and my Hand in searching the Innocent, has by Heaven's -justice been directed to the Guilty. Don <em>John</em>, -with his last Breath, confess'd himself the Offender.—Thus -my Revenge is satisfied, and you are clear'd.</p> - -<p>Don <em>Guz.</em> Good Heaven, how equitable are thy -Judgments!</p> - -<p>Don <em>Ped.</em> [<em>To <span class="antiqua">Leo</span>.</em>] Come, Madam, my Honour now -is satisfied, and if you please my Love may be so too.</p> - -<p><em>Leo.</em> If it is not,</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>You to yourself alone shall owe your Smart,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For where I've given my Hand, I'll give my Heart.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_370" id="Page_370">[Pg 370]</a></span></p> -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/bar-384.jpg" width="700" height="80" alt="" /> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<h3><a name="EPILOGUE5" id="EPILOGUE5">EPILOGUE,</a></h3> - - -<p class="directcenter">Spoken by Mrs. <em>Oldfield</em>. -</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em><span class="smcap"><span class="fauxcap">W</span>hat</span> say you, Sirs, d'ye think my Lady'll 'scape?</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>'Tis dev'lish hard to stand a Fav'rite's Rape.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Shou'd <span class="antiqua">Guzman</span>, like Don <span class="antiqua">John</span>, break in upon her,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>For all her Virtue, Heaven have Mercy on her:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Her Strength, I doubt, 's in his Irresolution,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>There's wond'rous Charms in vig'rous Execution.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Indeed you Men are Fools, you won't believe</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>What dreadful Things we Women can forgive:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>I know but one we never do pass by,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And that you plague us with eternally;</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>When in your courtly Fears to disoblige,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>You won't attack the Town which you beseige:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Your Guns are light, and planted out of Reach:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>D'ye think with Billet-doux to make a Breach?</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>'Tis Small-Shot all, and not a Stone will fly:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Walls fall by Cannon, and by firing nigh:</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>In sluggish dull Blockades you keep the Field,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>And starve us ere we can with Honour yield.</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>In short——</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>We can't receive those Terms you gently tender,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>But storm, and we can answer our Surrender.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p class="directcenter"><span class="smcap">END of the FIRST VOLUME</span> -</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_371" id="Page_371">[Pg 371]</a></span></p> - -<p class="directcenter"><em class="gesperrt">PLAYS</em> printed for <span class="smcap">T. Lowndes</span>, -at 6d. each. -</p> - - -<div class="center"> -<ul><li class="ifrst">A Bramule, by Dr. Trapp</li> -<li>Adventures of Half an Hour</li> -<li>Albion and Albanius, by Dryden</li> -<li>Alchymist, by Ben Johnson</li> -<li>Alcibiades, by Otway</li> -<li>All for Love, by Dryden</li> -<li>Ambitious Step-mother, by Rowe</li> -<li>Amboyna, by Dryden</li> -<li>Amphitryon, by Dryden</li> -<li>Anatomist, by Ravenscroft</li> -<li>Anna Bullen, by Bankes</li> -<li>As You Like It, by Shakespeare</li> -<li>Artful Husband, by Taverner</li> -<li>Athaliah, by Mr. Duncomb</li> -<li>Aurengzebe, by Dryden</li> - -<li class="indx">Bartholomew Fair, by Ben Johnson</li> -<li>Baffet Table, by Centlivre</li> -<li>Beaux Stratagem, by Farquhar</li> -<li>Beggar's Opera, by Gay</li> -<li>Biter, by Rowe</li> -<li>Bold Stroke for a Wife</li> -<li>British Enchanters, by Lansdown</li> -<li>Busiris, by Dr. Young</li> -<li>Busy Body, by Centlivre</li> - -<li class="indx">Caius Marius, by Otway</li> -<li>Careless Husband, by Cibber</li> -<li>Catiline, by Ben Johnson</li> -<li>Cato, by Addison</li> -<li>Chances, by D. Buckingham</li> -<li>Chaplet, by Mr. Mendez</li> -<li>Cleomenes, by Dryden</li> -<li>Cobler of Preston</li> -<li>Comedy of Errors, by Shakespeare</li> -<li>Conscious Lovers, by Cibber</li> -<li>Committee, by Sir R. Howard</li> -<li>Confederacy, by Vanbrugh</li> -<li>Conscious Lovers, by Steele</li> -<li>Constant Couple, by Farquhar</li> -<li>Contrivances, by Carey</li> -<li>Country Lasses, by B. Johnson</li> -<li>Country Wife, by Wycherly</li> -<li>Cymbeline, altered by Mr. Garrick</li> - -<li class="indx">Damon and Phillida, by Mr. Dibdin</li> -<li>Devil of a Wife</li> -<li>Devil to Pay, by Coffey</li> -<li>Distressed Mother, by Am. Philips</li> -<li>Don Carlos, by Otway</li> -<li>Double Dealer, by Congreve</li> -<li>Double Gallant, by Cibber</li> -<li>Dragon of Wantley -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_372" id="Page_372">[Pg 372]</a></span></li> -<li>Drummer, by Addison</li> -<li>Duke and no Duke, by Sir A. Cockain</li> -<li>Duke of Guise, by Dryden</li> - -<li class="indx">Earl of Essex, by Bankes</li> -<li>Every Man in his Humour</li> - -<li class="indx">Fair Penitent, by Rowe</li> -<li>Fair Quaker of Deal, by C. Shadwell</li> -<li>False Friend</li> -<li>Fatal Curiosity</li> -<li>Fatal Secret, by Theobald</li> -<li>Fiora, or Hob in the Well</li> -<li>Fox, by Ben Johnson</li> -<li>Friendship in Fashion, by Otway</li> -<li>Funeral, by Sir R. Steele</li> - -<li class="indx">Gamesier, by Mrs. Centlivre</li> -<li>Gentle Shepherd</li> -<li>George Barnwell, by Lillo</li> -<li>Gloriana</li> -<li>Greenwich Park</li> - -<li class="indx">Hamlet, by Shakespeare</li> -<li>Henry IV. 2 Parts, by ditto</li> -<li>Henry V. by ditto</li> -<li>Henry VI. 3 Parts, by ditto</li> -<li>Henry VIII. by ditto</li> -<li>Henry V. by Aaron Hill</li> -<li>Honest Yorkshireman</li> - -<li class="indx">Jane Gray, by Rowe</li> -<li>Jane Shore, by Rowe</li> -<li>Inconstant, by Farquhar</li> - -<li class="indx">King John, by Shakespeare</li> -<li>King Lear, by ditto</li> -<li>King Lear, by Tate</li> - -<li class="indx">Limberham, by Dryden</li> -<li>Love for Love, by Congreve</li> -<li>Love in a Mist</li> -<li>Love in a Tub, by Etherege</li> -<li>Love makes a Man, by C. Cibber</li> -<li>Love's Last shift, by Cibber</li> -<li>Lying Lover, by Steele</li> - -<li class="indx">Macbeth, by Shakespeare</li> -<li>Man of Mode, by Etherege</li> -<li>Marianne, by Fenton</li> -<li>Measure for Measure, by Shakespeare</li> -<li>Merchant of Venice, by Shakespeare</li> -<li>Mistake, by Vanbrugh</li> -<li>Mourning Bride, by Congreve</li> -<li>Much ado about Nothing</li> -<li>Mustapha, by Lord Orrery</li> - -<li class="indx">Nonjurer, by C. Cibber</li> - -<li class="indx">Oedipus, by Dryden</li> -<li>Old Bachelor, by Congreve</li> -<li>Oroonoko, by Southern</li> -<li>Orphan, by Otway</li> -<li>Othello, by Shakespeare</li> - -<li class="indx">Perjured Husband</li> -<li>Perolla and Isidora, by C. Cibber</li> -<li>Phædra and Hippolitus, by Smith</li> -<li>Pilgrim, by Beaumont and Fletcher</li> -<li>Polly, by Mr. Gay</li> -<li>Prophetess, by Beaumont</li> -<li>Provok'd Husband, by C. Cibber</li> -<li>Provok'd Wife, by Vanbrugh</li> - -<li class="indx">Recruiting Officer, by Farquhar</li> -<li>Refusal, by Cibber</li> -<li>Rehearsal, by of Buck.</li> -<li>Relapse, by Vanbrugh.</li> -<li>Revenge, by Dr. Young.</li> -<li>Richard III. by C. Cibber.</li> -</ul> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<img src="images/wingding-385.jpg" width="700" height="157" alt="" /> -</div> - -<div id="transnote"> - -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2><a name="TRANSCRIBERS_NOTES" id="TRANSCRIBERS_NOTES">TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES</a></h2> - -<p class="drop-capw"><span class="smcap">Drop</span> caps began most of -the Scene beginnings in volume 1. However, did not use drop caps for -any scene beginnings in volume 1 to conform to standard used in volume -2.</p> - -<p>Silently corrected simple spelling, grammar, and typographical errors.</p> - -<p>Retained anachronistic and non-standard spellings as printed.</p></div> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Plays, vol. 1, by John Vanbrugh - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PLAYS, VOL. 1 *** - -***** This file should be named 51113-h.htm or 51113-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/1/1/51113/ - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, Mark C. 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