diff options
| author | nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org> | 2025-02-05 07:42:44 -0800 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org> | 2025-02-05 07:42:44 -0800 |
| commit | f129c4021bfd4587b16a88e13ff00b417fb86e11 (patch) | |
| tree | caf95aefd1a9502e6ffa68e53b7f2c7e6460ba0f /old/51113-0.txt | |
| parent | 8b68319cbe86a20ca30548691447b2413952d33b (diff) | |
Diffstat (limited to 'old/51113-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/51113-0.txt | 17854 |
1 files changed, 0 insertions, 17854 deletions
diff --git a/old/51113-0.txt b/old/51113-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 5311cd8..0000000 --- a/old/51113-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,17854 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Plays, vol. 1, by John Vanbrugh - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Plays, vol. 1 - -Author: John Vanbrugh - -Release Date: February 2, 2016 [EBook #51113] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PLAYS, VOL. 1 *** - - - - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, Mark C. Orton and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) - - - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - - PLAYS, - - - WRITTEN BY - - Sir =John Vanbrugh=. - - IN TWO VOLUMES. - - =Volume= the =First=. - - CONTAINING, - - The =Relapse=; Or, =Virtue= in =Danger=. - - The =Provok'd Wife=, with a new Scene. - - =Æsop=, in two =Parts=. - - The =False Friend=. - - * * * * * - - LONDON: - - Printed for =J. Rivington=, =T. Longman=, - =T. Lowndes=, =S. Caslon=, =C. Corbett=, - =S. Bladon=, =W. Nicoll=, =T. Evans=, - and =M. Waller=. - - MDCCLXXVI. - - - - -AN - -ACCOUNT - -OF THE - -LIFE and WRITINGS - -OF THE - -AUTHOR. - - -Sir _John Vanbrugh_, an eminent dramatic Writer, Son of Mr. _Giles -Vanbrugh_, of _London_, Merchant, was born in the Parish of _St. -Stephen_'s, _Wallbrook_, in 1666. The Family of _Vanbrugh_ were for -many Years Merchants of great Credit and Reputation, at _Antwerp_, and -came into _England_ in the reign of Queen _Elizabeth_, on account of -the Persecution for Religion. - -Sir _John_ received a very liberal Education, and at the Age of -nineteen, was sent by his Father to _France_, where he continued some -Years: He became very eminent for his Poetry, to which he discovered an -early propension. And, pity it is, that this agreeable Writer had not -discovered his Wit, without any Mixture of that Licentiousness, which, -tho' it pleased, tended to corrupt the Audience. - -_The Relapse_ was the first Play our Author produced, but not the first -he had written; for he had at that Time by him, all the Scenes of _The -Provok'd Wife_; but being then doubtful whether he should ever trust it -to the Stage, he flung it by, and thought no more of it: Why the last -written Play was first acted, and for what Reason they were given to -different Stages, what follows will explain. - -Upon our Author's first Step into public Life, when he was but an -Ensign in the Army, and had a Heart greatly above his Income, he -happened somewhere at his Winter Quarters, upon a slender Acquaintance -with Sir _Thomas Skipwith_, to receive a particular Obligation from -him; and many Years afterwards, when Sir _Thomas_'s Interest in a -Theatrical Patent (which he had a large Share in, though he little -concerned himself in the Conduct of it) was rising but very slowly, -Sir _John_ thought that to give it a lift by a new Comedy, might be -the handsomest Return he could make to those his former Favours; -accordingly he soon after finished _The Relapse, or, Virtue in Danger_, -which was acted at the Theatre in _Drury-Lane_, in 1696, with universal -Applause. - -Upon the Success of _The Relapse_, the late Lord _Hallifax_, who was a -favourer of _Betterton_'s Company, having formerly heard some Scenes -of _The Provok'd Wife_ read to him, engaged Sir _John Vanbrugh_ to -revise it, and give it to that Company. This was a Request not to be -refused to so eminent a Patron of the Muses as Lord _Hallifax_, who was -equally a Friend and Admirer of Sir _John_ himself; nor was Sir _Thomas -Skipwith_ in the least disobliged by so reasonable a Compliance. _The -Provok'd Wife_ was accordingly acted at the Theatre in _Lincoln's -Inn-Fields_ in 1697, with great Success. - -Tho' this Play met with so favourable a Reception, yet it was not -without its Enemies: People of the graver Sort blamed the looseness -of the Scenes, and the unguarded freedom of the Dialect; and indeed -Sir _John_ himself appears to have been sensible of the immorality -of his Scenes; for in the Year 1725, when this Play was revived, he -thought proper to substitute a new Scene in the fourth Act, in place of -another, in which, in the wantonness of his Wit, he had made a Rake -talk like a Rake, in the Habit of a Clergyman; to avoid which Offence, -he put the same Debauchee into the Undress of a Woman of Quality; by -which means the Follies he exposed in the Petticoat, appeared to the -Audience innocent and entertaining; which new Scene is now for the -first Time printed at the End of the Play. - -Soon after the Success of _The Provok'd Wife_, Sir _John_ produced the -Comedy of _Esop_, in two Parts, which was acted at the Theatre-Royal in -_Drury Lane_, in 1697. This was originally written in _French_ by Mr. -_Boursaut_, about six Years before; but the Scenes of Sir _Polydorus -Hogstye_, the Players, and the Beau, were added by our Author. This -Play contains a great deal of general Satire, and useful Morality; -notwithstanding which, it met with but a cold Reception from the -Audience, and its run ended in about nine Days. This seemed the more -surprizing, as the _French_ Comedy was played to crowded Audiences -for a Month together. The little Success this Piece met with on the -_English_ Stage, cannot be better accounted for than in the Words -of Mr. _Cibber_, who, speaking of this Play, makes the following -Observation: "The Character that delivers Precepts of Wisdom, is in -some sort severe upon the Auditor, for shewing him one wiser than -himself; but when Folly is his Object, he applauds himself for being -wiser than the Coxcomb he laughs at; and who is not more pleased with -an Occasion to commend, than to accuse himself?" - -The next Play our Author wrote, was _The False Friend_, a Comedy, which -was acted at the Theatre-Royal in _Drury Lane_, in 1702. - -In 1703, Sir _John_ formed a Project of building a stately Theatre -in the _Haymarket_, for which he had interest enough to get a -Subscription of thirty Persons of Quality, at one hundred Pounds each, -in consideration whereof, every Subscriber was for his own Life to be -admitted to whatever Entertainments should be publicly performed there, -without any farther Payment for Entrance. - -In 1706, when this House was finished, Mr. _Betterton_ and his -Co-partners, who then acted at the Theatre in _Lincoln's Inn-Fields_, -dissolved their Agreement, and put themselves under the direction -of Sir _John Vanbrugh_ and Mr. _Congreve_, imagining, perhaps, that -the Conduct of two such eminent Authors might give a more prosperous -turn to their Affairs; that the Plays it would now be their interest -to write for them, would soon recover the Town to a true Taste, and -be an Advantage that no other Company could hope for; and that till -such Plays could be written, the Grandeur of their House, as it was a -new spectacle, might allure the Crowd to support them: But, if these -were their Views, they soon found their Dependance upon them was too -sanguine; for though Sir _John_ was a very expeditious Writer, yet Mr. -_Congreve_ was too judicious to let any Thing come unfinished from -his Pen. Besides, every proper Convenience of a good Theatre had been -sacrificed to shew the Audience a vast triumphal Piece of Architecture, -in which, by Means of the spaciousness of the Dome, plays could not be -successfully represented, because the Actors could not be distinctly -heard. - -Not long before this Time, the _Italian_ Opera began to steal into -_England_, but in as rude a Disguise as possible: notwithstanding -which, the new Monster pleased, though it had neither Grace, Melody, -nor Action, to recommend it. To strike in therefore with the prevailing -Fashion, Sir _John_ and Mr. _Congreve_ opened their New Theatre with a -translated Opera, set to _Italian_ Music, called _The Triumph of Love_; -but it met with a very cool Reception, being performed only three -Times--to thin Houses. - -Immediately upon the Failure of this Opera, Sir _John Vanbrugh_ brought -on his Comedy, called _The Confederacy_, taken, but very greatly -improved, from _Les Bourgeoises à la Mode_, of Monsieur _D'Ancourt_. -The Success of this Play was not equal to its Merit; for it is written -with an uncommon Vein of Wit and Humour; which plainly shews that the -difficulty of hearing, distinctly, in that large Theatre, was no small -Impediment to the Applause that might have followed the same Actors on -any other Stage; and indeed every Play acted there before the House -was altered, seemed to suffer greatly from the same Inconvenience; for -what few could plainly hear, it was not likely many could applaud. In -a Word, the Prospect of Profits from this Theatre was so very barren, -that Mr. _Congreve_, in a few Months, gave up his Share in it wholly to -Sir _John Vanbrugh_; who, as he had a happier Talent of throwing the -_English_ Spirit into his Translations, than any other Author who had -borrowed from them, he in the same Season produced _The Mistake_, a -Comedy, taken from _Le D'epit Amoureux_, of _Moliere_; and _The Country -House_, a Farce, translated from _The French_, which has been acted at -all the Theatres with general Applause. - -Sir _John_ soon afterwards, thoroughly tired of Theatrical Affairs, -determined to get rid of his Patent on the best Terms he could; he -accordingly made an Offer to Mr. _Owen Swiney_ of his House, Clothes, -and Scenes, with the Queen's Licence to employ them, upon Payment of -the Rent of five Pounds upon every acting Day, and not to exceed 700 -_l._ in the Year; with which Proposal Mr. _Swiney_ soon complied, and -managed that Stage for some Time after. - -Sir _John_ is not a little to be admired for his Spirit, and -readiness in producing Plays so fast upon the Neck of one another; -for, notwithstanding his quick Dispatch, there is a clear and lively -Simplicity in his Wit, that neither wants the Ornaments of Learning, -nor has the least Smell of the Lamp, as the Face of a fine Woman, with -her Locks loose about her, may then be in its greatest Beauty; such -were his Productions, only adorned by Nature. And there is, besides, -something so catching to the Ear, and so easy to the Memory, in all he -writ, that it has been observed by all the Actors of those Times, the -Stile of no Author whatsoever gave their Memory less Trouble, than that -of Sir _John Vanbrugh_. And indeed his Wit and Humour was so little -laboured, that his most entertaining Scenes seem to be no more than -his common Conversation committed to Paper. As his Conceptions were so -full of Life and Humour, it is not much to be wondered at, if his Muse -should be sometimes too warm to wait the slow Pace of Judgment, or to -endure the Drudgery of forming a regular Fable to them. - -Besides the Plays already mentioned, Sir _John_ left behind him Part -of a Comedy, called _A Journey to London_, which has since been made -an entire Play of by Mr. _Cibber_, and called _The Provoked Husband_, -and was acted at the Theatre-Royal, in _Drury Lane_, in 1727, for -twenty-eight Nights successively, with universal Applause. - -In 1703, he was appointed Clarencieux King of Arms, and in 1706 was -commissioned by Queen _Anne_ to carry the Habit and Ensigns of the -Order of the Garter to King _George_ the First, then at _Hanover_; he -was likewise Comptroller-General of the Board of Works, and Surveyor -of the Gardens and Waters. In the Year 1714, he received the Order -of Knighthood; and in 1719 he married _Henrietta Maria_, Daughter -of Colonel _Yarborough_, of _Haslington_, near _York_, by whom he -had three Children; _Charles_ the eldest was killed at the Battle of -_Fontenoy_, the other two died young. - -Sir _John_ died at his House in _Scotland-Yard_, the 26th of _March_, -1726, and is interred in the Family Vault, under the Church of _St. -Stephen_'s, _Wallbrook_. - -[Illustration] - - - - -THE - -RELAPSE: - -OR, - -VIRTUE in DANGER: - -A - -COMEDY. - - - Being the Sequel of _The Fool in Fashion_. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -THE - -PREFACE. - - -To go about to excuse half the Defects this abortive Brat is come -into the World with, would be to provoke the Town with a long useless -Preface, when it is, I doubt, sufficiently soured already by a tedious -Play. - -I do therefore (with all the Humility of a repenting Sinner) confess, -it wants every thing----but length; and in that, I hope, the severest -Critick will be pleas'd to acknowledge I have not been wanting. But -my Modesty will sure atone for every thing, when the World shall -know it is so great, I am even to this Day insensible of those two -shining Graces in the Play (which some part of the Town is pleas'd to -compliment me with) Blasphemy and Bawdy. - -For my part, I cannot find them out: If there were any obscene -Expressions upon the Stage, here they are in the Print; for I have -dealt fairly, I have not sunk a Syllable, that cou'd (though by racking -of Mysteries) be rang'd under that Head; and yet I believe with a -steady Faith, there is not one Woman of a real Reputation in Town, -but when she has read it impartially over in her Closet, will find -it so innocent, she will think it no Affront to her Prayer-Book, to -lay it upon the same Shelf. So to them (with all manner of Deference) -I entirely refer my cause; and I am confident they will justify me -against those Pretenders to Good-manners, who at the same time have so -little Respect for the Ladies, they wou'd extract a bawdy Jest from an -Ejaculation, to put them out of countenance. But I expect to have these -well-bred Persons always my Enemies, since I am sure I shall never -write any thing lewd enough to make them my Friends. - -As for the Saints (your thorough-pac'd ones, I mean, with skrew'd Faces -and wry Mouths) I despair of them; for they are Friends to nobody: -They love nothing but their Altars and themselves; they have too much -Zeal to have any Charity; they make Debauches in Piety, as Sinners do -in Wine; and are as quarrelsome in their Religion, as other People are -in their Drink: so I hope nobody will mind what they say. But if any -Man (with flat plod Shoes, a little Band, greasy Hair, and a dirty -Face, who is wiser than I, at the Expence of being forty Years older), -happens to be offended at a Story of a Cock and a Bull, and a Priest -and a Bull-dog, I beg his pardon with all my Heart; which, I hope, I -shall obtain, by eating my Words, and making this publick Recantation. -I do therefore, for his Satisfaction, acknowledge I lyed, when I said, -they never quit their hold; for in that little time I have liv'd in the -World, I thank God I have seen them forc'd to it more than once; but -next time I will speak with more Caution and Truth, and only say, they -have very good Teeth. - -If I have offended any honest Gentleman of the Town, whose Friendship -or good Word is worth the having, I am very sorry for it; I hope they -will correct me as gently as they can, when they consider I have had -no other Design, in running a very great Risk, than to divert (if -possible) some part of their Spleen, in spite of their Wives and their -Taxes. - -One Word more about the Bawdy, and I have done. I own the first Night -this thing was acted, some Indecencies had like to have happened; but -it was not my Fault. - -The fine Gentleman of the Play, drinking his Mistress's Health in -_Nants_ Brandy, from six in the Morning to the time he waddled on -upon the Stage in the Evening, had toasted himself up to such a pitch -of Vigour, I confess I once gave _Amanda_ for gone, and am since -(with all due respect to Mrs. _Rogers_) very sorry she escaped; for -I am confident a certain Lady (let no one take it to herself that -is handsome) who highly blames the Play, for the Barrenness of the -Conclusion, would then have allowed it a very natural Close. - -[Illustration] - - - - -PROLOGUE. - - - Spoken by _Miss_ =Cross=. - - _Ladies, this Play in too much haste was writ, - To be o'ercharg'd with either Plot or Wit; - 'Twas got, conceiv'd, and born in six Weeks Space, - And Wit, you know, 's as slow in Growth----as Grace. - Sure it can ne'er be ripen'd to your Taste; - I doubt 'twill prove our Author bred too fast: - For mark 'em well, who with the Muses marry, - They rarely do conceive, but they miscarry. - 'Tis the hard Fate of those who are big with Rhyme, - Still to be brought-to-bed before their Time. - Of our late Poets, Nature few has made; - The greatest part----are only so by Trade. - Still want of something brings the scribbling Fit; - For want of Money some of 'em have writ, - And others do't, you see--for want of Wit. - Honour, they fancy, summons 'em to write, - So out they lug in resty Nature's spight, - As some of you spruce Beaux do--when you fight. - Yet let the Ebb of Wit be ne'er so low, - Some Glimpse of it a Man may hope to show, - Upon a Theme so ample----as a ~Beau~. - So, howsoe'er true Courage may decay, - Perhaps there's not one Smock-Face here to-day, - But's bold as ~Cæsar~--to attack a Play. - Nay, what's yet more, with an undaunted Face, } - To do the Thing with more heroick Grace, } - 'Tis six to four y' attack the strongest Place. } - You are such Hotspurs in this kind of Venture, - Where there's no Breach, just there you needs must enter. - But be advis'd---- - E'en give the Hero and the Critique o'er, } - For Nature sent you on another score; } - She formed her ~Beau~, for nothing but her Whore._ } - -[Illustration] - - - - -Dramatis Personæ. - - -MEN. - - Sir _Novelty Fashion_, newly created } - Lord _Foppington_, } Mr. _Cibber_. - Young _Fashion_, his Brother, Mr. _Kent_. - _Loveless_, Husband to _Amanda_, Mr. _Verbruggen_. - _Worthy_, a Gentleman of the Town, Mr. _Powel_. - Sir _Tunbelly Clumsey_, a Country Gentleman, Mr. _Bullock_. - Sir _John Friendly_, his Neighbour, Mr. _Mills_. - _Coupler_, a Matchmaker, Mr. _Johnson_. - _Bull_, Chaplain to Sir _Tunbelly_, Mr. _Simpson_. - _Syringe_, a Surgeon, Mr. _Haynes_. - _Lory_, Servant to Young _Fashion_, Mr. _Dogget_. - Shoemaker, Taylor, Perriwig-maker, &c. - - -WOMEN. - - _Amanda_, Wife to _Loveless_, Mrs. _Rogers_. - _Berinthia_, her Cousin, a young Widow, Mrs. _Verbruggen_. - Miss _Hoyden_, a great Fortune, Daughter } - to Sir _Tunbelly_, } Mrs. _Cross_. - Nurse, her Governant, Mrs. _Powel_. - -[Illustration] - - THE - - RELAPSE; - - OR, - - VIRTUE in DANGER. - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ I. +SCENE+ I. - - - _Enter ~Loveless~, reading._ - - How true is that Philosophy which says - Our Heaven is seated in our Minds! - Through all the roving Pleasures of my Youth, - (Where Nights and Days seem all consum'd in Joy, - Where the false Face of Luxury - Display'd such Charms, - As might have shaken the most holy Hermit, - And made him totter at his Altar) - I never knew one Moment's Peace like this. - Here--in this little soft Retreat, - My thoughts unbent from all the Cares of Life, - Content with Fortune, - Eas'd from the grating Duties of Dependence, - From Envy free, Ambition under foot, - The raging Flame of wild destructive Lust - Reduc'd to a warm pleasing Fire of lawful Love, - My Life glides on, and all is well within. - - _Enter ~Amanda~._ - - Lov. _meeting her kindly._ - - How does the happy Cause of my Content, my dear _Amanda_? - You find me musing on my happy State, - And full of grateful Thoughts to Heaven, and you. - - _Aman._ Those grateful Offerings Heaven can't receive - With more Delight than I do: - Would I cou'd share with it as well - The Dispensations of its Bliss, - That I might search its choicest Favours out, - And shower 'em on your Head for ever. - - _Lov._ The largest Boons that Heaven thinks fit to grant - To Things it has decreed shall crawl on Earth, - Are in the Gift of Woman form'd like you. - Perhaps when Time shall be no more, - When the aspiring Soul shall take its Flight, - And drop this pond'rous Lump of Clay behind it, - It may have Appetites we know not of, - And Pleasures as refin'd as its Desires-- - But till that Day of Knowledge shall instruct me, - The utmost Blessing that my Thought can reach, - [_Taking her in his Arms._] Is folded in my Arms, and rooted in my - Heart. - - _Aman._ There let it grow for ever. - - _Lov._ Well said, _Amanda_--let it be for ever.-- - Wou'd Heaven grant that-- - - _Aman._ 'Twere all the Heaven I'd ask. - But we are clad in black Mortality, - And the dark Curtain of eternal Night - At last must drop between us. - - _Lov._ It must: that mournful Separation we must see. - A bitter Pill it is to all; but doubles its ungrateful Taste, - When Lovers are to swallow it; - - _Aman._ Perhaps that Pain may only be my Lot, - You possibly may be exempted from it; - Men find out softer ways to quench their Fires. - - _Lov._ Can you then doubt my Constancy, _Amanda_? - You'll find 'tis built upon a steady Basis---- - The Rock of Reason now supports my Love, - On which it stands so fix'd, - The rudest Hurricane of wild Desire - Wou'd, like the Breath of a soft slumbering Babe, - Pass by, and never shake it. - - _Aman._ Yet still 'tis safer to avoid the Storm; - The strongest Vessels, if they put to Sea, - May possibly be lost. - Wou'd I cou'd keep you here in this calm Port for ever! - Forgive the Weakness of a Woman, - I am uneasy at your going to stay so long in Town; - I know its false insinuating Pleasures; - I know the Force of its Delusions; - I know the Strength of its Attacks; - I know the weak Defence of Nature; - I know you are a Man--and I--a Wife. - - _Lov._ You know then all that needs to give you Rest, - For Wife's the strongest Claim that you can urge. - When you would plead your Title to my Heart, - On this you may depend; therefore be calm, - Banish your Fears, for they are Traitors to your Peace: - Beware of them, they are insinuating busy Things - That gossip to and fro, and do a World of Mischief - Where they come: But you shall soon be Mistress of 'em all, - I'll aid you with such Arms for their Destruction, - They never shall erect their Heads again. - You know the Business is indispensible, that obliges - Me to go to _London_, and you have no Reason, that I - Know of, to believe that I'm glad of the Occasion: - For my honest Conscience is my Witness, - I have found a due Succession of such Charms - In my Retirement here with you, - I have never thrown one roving Thought that way; - But since, against my Will, I'm dragg'd once more - To that uneasy Theatre of Noise, - I am resolv'd to make such use on't, - As shall convince you 'tis an old cast Mistress, - Who has been so lavish of her Favours, - She's now grown Bankrupt of her Charms, - And has not one Allurement left to move me. - - _Aman._ Her Bow, I do believe, is grown so weak, - Her Arrows (at this distance) cannot hurt you, - But in approaching 'em you give 'em Strength: - The Dart that has not far to fly, - Will put the best of Armour to a dangerous Trial. - - _Lov._ That Trial past, and y'are at ease for ever; - When you have seen the Helmet prov'd, - You'll apprehend no more for him that wears it: - Therefore to put a lasting Period to your Fears, - I am resolv'd, this once, to launch into Temptation. - I'll give you an Essay of all my Virtues; - My former boon Companions of the Bottle - Shall fairly try what Charms are left in Wine: - I'll take my Place amongst them, - They shall hem me in, - Sing Praises to their God, and drink his Glory; - Turn wild Enthusiasts for his sake, - And Beasts to do him Honour: - Whilst I, a stubborn Atheist, - Sullenly look on, - Without one reverend Glass to his Divinity. - That for my Temperance, - Then for my Constancy---- - - _Aman._ Ay, there take heed. - - _Lov._ Indeed the Danger's small. - - _Aman._ And yet my Fears are great. - - _Lov._ Why are you so timorous? - - _Aman._ Because you are so bold. - - _Lov._ My Courage should disperse your Apprehensions. - - _Aman._ My Apprehensions should alarm your Courage. - - _Lov._ Fy, fy, _Amanda_, it is not kind thus to distrust me. - - _Aman._ And yet my Fears are founded on my Love. - - _Lov._ For if you can believe 'tis possible - I shou'd again relapse to my past Follies, - I must appear to you a thing - Of such an undigested Composition, - That but to think of me with Inclination, - Wou'd be a Weakness in your Taste, - Your Virtue scarce cou'd answer. - - _Aman._ 'Twou'd be a Weakness in my Tongue, - My Prudence cou'd not answer, - If I shou'd press you farther with my Fears; - I'll therefore trouble you no longer with 'em. - - _Lov._ Nor shall they trouble you much longer, - A little time shall shew you they were groundless; - This Winter shall be the fiery Trial of my Virtue; - Which, when it once has past, - You'll be convinc'd 'twas of no false Allay, - There all your Cares will end-- - - _Aman._ Pray Heaven they may! - - [_Exeunt Hand in Hand._ - - -+SCENE+, _Whitehall._ - - _Enter ~Young Fashion~, ~Lory~, and ~Waterman~._ - -_Young Fash._ Come, pay the Waterman, and take the Pormanteau. - -_Lory._ Faith, Sir, I think the Waterman had as good take the -Portmanteau, and pay himself. - -_Young Fash._ Why sure there's something left in't. - -_Lory._ But a solitary old Waistcoat, upon my Honour, Sir. - -_Young Fash._ Why, what's become of the blue Coat, Sirrah? - -_Lory._ Sir, 'twas eaten at _Gravesend_; the Reckoning came to thirty -Shillings, and your Privy-Purse was worth but two Half-Crowns. - -_Young Fash._ 'Tis very well. - -_Wat._ Pray, Master, will you please to dispatch me? - -_Young Fash._ Ay, here a----Canst thou change me a Guinea? - -_Lory._ [_Aside._] Good. - -_Wat._ Change a Guinea, Master! Ha, ha, your Honour's pleas'd to -compliment. - -_Young Fash._ I'gad I don't know how I shall pay thee then, for I have -nothing but Gold about me. - -_Lory._ [_Aside._]--Hum, hum. - -_Young Fash._ What dost thou expect, Friend? - -_Wat._ Why, Master, so far against Wind and Tide, is richly worth half -a Piece. - -_Young Fash._ Why, faith, I think thou art a good conscionable Fellow. -I'gad, I begin to have so good an Opinion of thy Honesty, I care not if -I leave my Portmanteau with thee, till I send thee thy Money. - -_Wat._ Ha! God bless your Honour; I should be as willing to trust you, -Master, but that you are, as a Man may say, a Stranger to me, and these -are nimble Times; there are a great many Sharpers stirring. [_Taking -up the Portmanteau._] Well, Master, when your Worship sends the Money, -your Portmanteau shall be forthcoming. My Name's _Tugg_, my Wife keeps -a Brandy-Shop in _Drab-Ally_ at _Wapping_. - -_Young Fash._ Very well; I'll send for't to-morrow. - - [_Exit Wat._ - -_Lory._ So--Now, Sir, I hope you'll own yourself a happy Man, you have -outliv'd all your Cares. - -_Young Fash._ How so, Sir? - -_Lory._ Why you have nothing left to take care of. - -_Young Fash._ Yes, Sirrah, I have myself and you to take care of still. - -_Lory._ Sir, if you cou'd but prevail with somebody else to do that for -you, I fancy we might both fare the better for't. - -_Young Fash._ Why, if thou canst tell me where to apply myself, I have -at present so little Money, and so much Humility about me, I don't know -but I may follow a Fool's Advice. - -_Lory._ Why then, Sir, your Fool advises you to lay aside all -Animosity, and apply to Sir _Novelty_, your elder Brother. - -_Young Fash._ Damn my elder Brother. - -_Lory._ With all my heart; but get him to redeem your Annuity, however. - -_Young Fash._ My Annuity! 'Sdeath, he's such a Dog, he would not give -his Powder-Puff to redeem my Soul. - -_Lory._ Look you, Sir, you must wheedle him, or you must starve. - -_Young Fash._ Look you, Sir, I will neither wheedle him, nor starve. - -_Lory._ Why? what will you do then? - -_Young Fash._ I'll go into the Army. - -_Lory._ You can't take the Oaths; you are a Jacobite. - -_Young Fash._ Thou may'st as well say I can't take Orders because I'm -an Atheist. - -_Lory._ Sir, I ask your Pardon; I find I did not know the Strength of -your Conscience, so well as I did the Weakness of your Purse. - -_Young Fash._ Methinks, Sir, a Person of your Experience should have -known, that the Strength of the Conscience proceeds from the Weakness -of the Purse. - -_Lory._ Sir, I am very glad to find you have a Conscience able to -take care of us, let it proceed from what it will; but I desire -you'll please to consider, that the Army alone will be but a scanty -Maintenance for a Person of your Generosity (at least as Rents now are -paid); I shall see you stand in damnable need of some auxiliary Guineas -for your _menu Plaisirs_; I will therefore turn Fool once more for your -Service, and advise you to go directly to your Brother. - -_Young Fash._ Art thou then so impregnable a Blockhead, to believe -he'll help me with a Farthing? - -_Lory._ Not if you treat him, _de haut en bas_, as you use to do. - -_Young Fash._ Why, how would'st have me treat him? - -_Lory._ Like a Trout, tickle him. - -_Young Fash._ I can't flatter---- - -_Lory._ Can you starve? - -_Young Fash._ Yes---- - -_Lory._ I can't; Good-by t'ye, Sir-- - - [_Going._ - -_Young Fash._ Stay, thou wilt distract me. What would'st thou have me -to say to him? - -_Lory._ Say nothing to him, apply yourself to his Favourites; speak to -his Perriwig, his Cravat, his Feather, his Snuff-box, and when you are -well with them----desire him to lend you a Thousand Pounds. I'll engage -you prosper. - -_Young Fash._ 'Sdeath and Furies! Why was that Coxcomb thrust into the -World before me? O Fortune--Fortune--thou art a Bitch, by Gad---- - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _A Dressing-Room_. - - _Enter Lord ~Foppington~ in his Night-Gown._ - -_Lord Fop._ Page---- - - [_Enter Page._ - -_Page._ Sir. - -_Lord Fop._ Sir! Pray, Sir, do me the Favour to teach your Tongue the -Title the King has thought fit to honour me with. - -_Page._ I ask your Lordship's Pardon, my Lord. - -_Lord Fop._ O, you can pronounce the Word then----I thought it would -have choak'd you----D'ye hear? - -_Page._ My Lord. - -_Lord Fop._ Call La Varole, I wou'd dress-- - - [_Exit Page._ - - _Solus._ - -Well, 'tis an unspeakable Pleasure to be a Man of Quality----Strike me -dumb----My Lord----Your Lordship----My Lord _Foppington_--_Ah! c'est -quelque chose de beau, que le Diable m'emporte_---- - -Why the Ladies were ready to puke at me, whilst I had nothing but Sir -_Novelty_ to recommend me to 'em----Sure whilst I was but a Knight, -I was a very nauseous Fellow----Well, 'tis Ten Thousand Pawnd well -given----stap my Vitals---- - - _Enter ~La Varole~._ - -Me Lord, de Shoemaker, de Taylor, de Hosier, de Sempstress, de Peru, be -all ready, if your Lordship please to dress. - -_Lord Fop._ 'Tis well, admit 'em. - -_La Var._ Hey, Messieurs, entrez. - - _Enter ~Taylor~, ~&c.~_ - -_Lord Fop._ So, Gentlemen, I hope you have all taken pains to shew -yourselves Masters in your Professions. - -_Tayl._ I think I may presume to say, Sir---- - -_La Var._ My Lord----you Clawn you. - -_Tayl._ Why, is he made a Lord?----My Lord, I ask your Lordship's -Pardon; my Lord, I hope, my Lord, your Lordship will please to own, -I have brought your Lordship as accomplish'd a Suit of Clothes, as -ever Peer of _England_ trode the Stage in, my Lord: Will your Lordship -please to try 'em now? - -_Lord Fop._ Ay, but let my People dispose the Glasses so, that I may -see myself before and behind; for I love to see myself all raund---- - - [_Whilst he puts on his Clothes, enter ~Young Fashion~ - and ~Lory~._ - -_Young Fash._ Hey-dey, what the Devil have we here? Sure my Gentleman's -grown a Favourite at Court, he has got so many People at his Levee. - -_Lo._ Sir, these People come in order to make him a Favourite at Court, -they are to establish him with the Ladies. - -_Young Fash._ Good God! to what an Ebb of Taste are Women fallen, that -it shou'd be in the power of a lac'd Coat to recommend a Gallant to -'em---- - -_Lo._ Sir, Taylors and Perriwig-makers are now become the Bawds of the -Nation, 'tis they debauch all the Women. - -_Young Fash._ Thou sayest true; for there's that Fop now, has not by -Nature wherewithal to move a Cook-maid, and by that time these Fellows -have done with him, I'gad he shall melt down a Countess----But now for -my Reception, I engage it shall be as cold a one, as a Courtier's to -his Friend, who comes to put him in mind of his Promise. - -_Lord Fop._ _to his Taylor._] Death and eternal Tartures! Sir, I say -the Packet's too high by a Foot. - -_Tayl._ My Lord, if it had been an Inch lower, it would not have held -your Lordship's Pocket-Handkerchief. - -_Lord Fop._ Rat my Packet-Handkerchief! Have not I a Page to carry it? -You may make him a Packet up to his Chin a purpose for it; but I will -not have mine come so near my Face. - -_Tayl._ 'Tis not for me to dispute your Lordship's Fancy. - -_Young Fash. to Lory._] His Lordship! _Lory_, did you observe that? - -_Lo._ Yes, Sir; I always thought 'twould end there. Now, I hope, you'll -have a little more Respect for him. - -_Young Fash._ Respect! Damn him for a Coxcomb; now has he ruin'd his -Estate to buy a Title, that he may be a Fool of the first Rate: But -let's accost him---- - -_To Lord Fop._] Brother, I'm your Humble Servant. - -_Lord Fop._ O Lard, _Tam_; I did not expect you in _England_: Brother, -I am glad to see you---- - -_Turning to his Taylor._] Look you, Sir. I shall never be reconcil'd -to this nauseous Packet; therefore pray get me another Suit with all -manner of Expedition, for this is my eternal Aversion. Mrs. _Callicoe_, -are not you of my Mind? - -_Semp._ O, directly, my Lord, it can never be too low-- - -_Lord Fop._ You are passitively in the right on't, for the Packet -becomes no part of the Body but the Knee. - -_Semp._ I hope your Lordship is pleas'd with your Steenkirk. - -_Lord Fop._ In love with it, stap my Vitals. Bring your Bill, you shall -be paid to-marrow-- - -_Semp._ I humbly thank your Honour-- - - [_Exit Semp._ - -_Lord Fop._ Hark thee, Shoemaker, these Shoes a'n't ugly, but they -don't fit me. - -_Shoe._ My Lord, my thinks they fit you very well. - -_Lord Fop._ They hurt me just below the Instep. - -_Shoe._ [_Feeling his Foot._] My Lord, they don't hurt you there. - -_Lord Fop._ I tell thee, they pinch me execrably. - -_Shoe._ My Lord, if they pinch you, I'll be bound to be hang'd, that's -all. - -_Lord Fop._ Why, wilt thou undertake to persuade me I cannot feel? - -_Shoe._ Your Lordship may please to feel what you think fit; but that -Shoe does not hurt you--I think I understand my Trade---- - -_Lord Fop._ Now by all that's great and powerful, thou art an -incomprehensible Coxcomb; but thou makest good Shoes, and so I'll bear -with thee. - -_Shoe._ My Lord, I have work'd for half the People of Quality in Town -these Twenty Years; and 'tis very hard I should not know when a Shoe -hurts, and when it don't. - -_Lord Fop._ Well, pr'ythee, begone about thy Business. - - [_Exit Shoe._ - -[_To the Hosier._] Mr. _Mend Legs_, a Word with you; the Calves of the -Stockings are thicken'd a little too much. They make my Legs look like -a Chairman's---- - -_Mend._ My Lord, my thinks they look mighty well. - -_Lord Fop._ Ay, but you are not so good a Judge of those things as I -am, I have study'd them all my Life; therefore pray let the next be the -thickness of a Crawn-piece less----[_Aside._] If the Town takes notice -my Legs are fallen away, 'twill be attributed to the Violence of some -new Intrigue. - -_To the Perriwig-maker._] Come, Mr. _Foretop_, let me see what you have -done, and then the Fatigue of the Morning will be over. - -_Foretop._ My Lord, I have done what I defy any Prince in _Europe_ to -out-do; I have made you a Perriwig so long, and so full of Hair, it -will serve you for a Hat and Cloak in all Weathers. - -_Lord Fop._ Then thou hast made me thy Friend to Eternity: Come, comb -it out. - -_Young Fash._ Well, _Lory_, What do'st think on't? A very friendly -Reception from a Brother after Three Years Absence! - -_Lory._ Why, Sir, 'tis your own Fault; we seldom care for those that -don't love what we love: if you wou'd creep into his Heart, you must -enter into his Pleasures--Here you have stood ever since you came in, -and have not commended any one thing that belongs to him. - -_Young Fash._ Nor never shall, while they belong to a Coxcomb. - -_Lory._ Then, Sir, you must be content to pick a hungry Bone. - -_Young Fash._ No, Sir, I'll crack it, and get to the Marrow before I -have done. - -_Lord Fop._ Gad's Curse! Mr. _Foretop_, you don't intend to put this -upon me for a full Perriwig? - -_Fore._ Not a full one, my Lord! I don't know what your Lordship may -please to call a full one, but I have cramm'd twenty Ounces of Hair -into it. - -_Lord Fop._ What it may be by Weight, Sir, I shall not dispute; but by -Tale, there are not nine Hairs on a side. - -_Fore._ O Lord! O Lord! O Lord! Why, as God shall judge me, your -Honor's Side-Face is reduc'd to the Tip of your Nose. - -_Lord Fop._ My Side-Face may be in an Eclipse for aught I know; but I'm -sure my Full-Face is like the Full-moon. - -_Fore._ Heaven bless my Eye-sight----[_Rubbing his Eyes._] Sure I look -thro' the wrong end of the Perspective; for by my Faith, an't please -your Honour, the broadest place I see in your Face does not seem to me -to be two Inches diameter. - -_Lord Fop._ If it did, it would just be two Inches too broad; for a -Perriwig to a Man, should be like a Mask to a Woman, nothing should be -seen but his Eyes-- - -_Fore._ My Lord, I have done; if you please to have more Hair in your -Wig, I'll put it in. - -_Lord Fop._ Passitively, yes. - -_Fore._ Shall I take it back now, my Lord? - -_Lord Fop._ No: I'll wear it to-day, tho' it shew such a manstrous pair -of Cheeks, stap my Vitals, I shall be taken for a Trumpeter. - - [_Exit ~Fore~._ - -_Young Fash._ Now your People of Business are gone, Brother, I hope I -may obtain a quarter of an Hour's Audience of you. - -_Lord Fop._ Faith, _Tam_, I must beg you'll excuse me at this time, for -I must away to the House of Lards immediately; my Lady _Teaser_'s Case -is to come on to-day, and I would not be absent for the Salvation of -Mankind. Hey, _Page_! Is the Coach at the Door? - -_Page._ Yes, my Lord. - -_Lord Fop._ You'll excuse me, Brother. - - [_Going._ - -_Young Fash._ Shall you be back at Dinner? - -_Lord Fop._ As Gad shall jedge me, I can't tell; for 'tis passible I -may dine with some of aur Hause at _Lacket_'s. - -_Young Fash._ Shall I meet you there? for I must needs talk with you. - -_Lord Fop._ That, I'm afraid, mayn't be so praper; far the Lards I -commonly eat with, are a People of a nice Conversation; and you know, -_Tam_, your Education has been a little at large: but if you'll stay -here, you'll find a Family Dinner. Hey, Fellow! What is there for -Dinner? There's Beef: I suppose my Brother will eat Beef. Dear _Tam_, -I'm glad to see thee in _England_, stap my Vitals. - - [_Exit, with his Equipage._ - -_Young Fash._ Hell and Furies, is this to be borne? - -_Lory._ Faith, Sir, I cou'd almost have given him a knock o' th' Pate -myself. - -_Young Fash._ 'Tis enough, I will now shew you the excess of my Passion -by being very calm: Come, _Lory_, lay your Loggerhead to mine, and in -cool Blood let us contrive his Destruction. - -_Lory._ Here comes a Head, Sir, would contrive it better than us both, -if he wou'd but join in the Confederacy. - - _Enter ~Coupler~._ - -_Young Fash._ By this Light, old _Coupler_ alive still! Why, how now, -Matchmaker, art thou here still to plague the World with Matrimony? You -old Bawd, how have you the Impudence to be hobbling out of your Grave -twenty Years after you are rotten! - -_Coup._ When you begin to rot, Sirrah, you'll go off like a Pippin, one -Winter will send you to the Devil. What Mischief brings you home again? -Ha! You young lascivious Rogue, you: Let me put my Hand into your -Bosom, Sirrah. - -_Young Fash._ Stand off, old _Sodom_. - -_Coup._ Nay, pr'ythee now don't be so coy. - -_Young Fash._ Keep your Hands to yourself, you old Dog you, or I'll -wring your Nose off. - -_Coup._ Hast thou then been a Year in _Italy_, and brought home a Fool -at last? By my Conscience, the young Fellows of this Age profit no more -by their going abroad, than they do by their going to Church. Sirrah, -Sirrah, if you are not hang'd before you come to my Years, you'll know -a Cock from a Hen. But come, I'm still a Friend to thy Person, tho' I -have a Contempt of thy Understanding; and therefore I would willingly -know thy Condition, that I may see whether thou standest in need of my -Assistance; for Widows swarm, my Boy, the Town's infested with 'em. - -_Young Fash._ I stand in need of any body's Assistance, that will help -me to cut my elder Brother's Throat, without the Risque of being hang'd -for him. - -_Coup._ I'gad, Sirrah, I cou'd help thee to do him almost as good a -turn, without the danger of being burnt in the Hand for't. - -_Young Fash._ Say'st thou so, old Satan? Shew me but that, and my Soul -is thine. - -_Coup._ Pox o'thy Soul! give me thy warm Body, Sirrah; I shall have a -substantial Title to't when I tell thee my Project. - -_Young Fash._ Out with it then, dear Dad, and take possession as soon -as thou wilt. - -_Coup._ Sayest thou so, my _Hephestion_? Why, then, thus lies the -Scene: but hold; who's that? If we are heard we are undone. - -_Young Fash._ What have you forgot _Lory_? - -_Coup._ Who, trusty _Lory_, is it thee? - -_Lory._ At your Service, Sir. - -_Coup._ Give me thy Hand, old Boy; I'gad I did not know thee again; but -I remember thy Honesty, tho' I did not thy Face; I think thou hadst -like to have been hang'd once or twice for thy Master. - -_Lory._ Sir, I was very near once having that Honour. - -_Coup._ Well, live and hope; don't be discourag'd; eat with him, and -drink with him, and do what he bids thee, and it may be thy Reward at -last, as well as another's. - -_To Young Fash._] Well, Sir, you must know I have done you the Kindness -to make up a Match for your Brother. - -_Young Fash._ I am very much beholden to you, truly. - -_Coup._ You may be, Sirrah, before the Wedding-day yet; the Lady is a -great Heiress; fifteen hundred Pound a year, and a great Bag of Money; -the Match is concluded, the Writings are drawn, and the Pipkin's to be -crack'd in a Fortnight--Now you must know, Stripling (with Respect to -your Mother), your Brother's the Son of a Whore. - -_Young Fash._ Good. - -_Coup._ He has given me a Bond of a Thousand Pounds for helping him to -this Fortune, and has promis'd me as much more in ready Money upon the -Day of Marriage; which, I understand by a Friend, he ne'er designs to -pay me; if therefore you will be a generous young Dog, and secure me -five thousand Pounds, I'll be a covetous old Rogue, and help you to the -Lady. - -_Young Fash._ I'gad, if thou can'st bring this about, I'll have thy -Statue cast in Brass. But don't you doat, you old Pandar you, when you -talk at this rate? - -_Coup._ That your youthful Parts shall judge of: This plump Partridge, -that I tell you of, lives in the Country, fifty Miles off, with her -honoured Parents, in a lonely old House which nobody comes near; -she never goes abroad, nor sees Company at home: To prevent all -Misfortunes, she has her Breeding within Doors, the Parson of the -Parish teaches her to play on the Bass-Viol, the Clerk to sing, her -Nurse to dress, and her Father to dance: In short, nobody can give you -admittance there but I; nor can I do it any other way, than by making -you pass for your Brother. - -_Young Fash._ And how the Devil wilt thou do that? - -_Coup._ Without the Devil's Aid, I warrant thee. Thy Brother's Face not -one of the Family ever saw; the whole Business has been manag'd by me, -and all the Letters go thro' my Hands: The last that was writ to Sir -_Tunbelly Clumsey_ (for that's the old Gentleman's Name) was to tell -him, his Lordship would be down in a Fortnight to consummate. Now you -shall go away immediately; pretend you writ that letter only to have -the romantick Pleasure of surprizing your Mistress; fall desperately -in Love, as soon as you see her; make that your Plea for marrying her -immediately; and when the fatigue of the Wedding-night's over, you -shall send me a swinging Purse of Gold, you Dog you. - -_Young Fash._ I'gad, old Dad, I'll put my Hand in thy Bosom now---- - -_Coup._ Ah, you young hot lusty Thief, let me muzzle you---- - - [_Kissing._ - -Sirrah, let me muzzle you. - -_Young Fash._ 'Psha, the old Letcher---- - - [Aside. - -_Coup._ Well; I'll warrant thou hast not a Farthing of Money in thy -Pocket now; no, one may see it in thy Face---- - -_Young Fash._ Not a Sous, by _Jupiter_. - -_Coup._ Must I advance then?--Well, Sirrah, be at my Lodgings in half -an Hour, and I'll see what may be done; we'll sign and seal, and eat -a Pullet, and when I have given thee some farther Instructions, thou -shalt hoist Sail and be gone----[_Kissing._]----T'other Buss, and so -adieu. - -_Young Fash._ Um, 'psha. - -_Coup._ Ah; you young warm Dog, you; what a delicious Night will the -Bride have on't! - - [_Exit Coupler._ - -_Young Fash._ So, _Lory_; Providence, thou seest, at last takes care of -Men of Merit: We are in a fair way to be great People. - -_Lo._ Ay, Sir, if the Devil don't step between the Cup and the Lip, as -he uses to do. - -_Young Fash._ Why, faith, he has play'd me many a damn'd Trick to spoil -my Fortune, and, I'gad, I'm almost afraid he's at work about it again -now; but if I should tell thee how, thou'dst wonder at me. - -_Lo._ Indeed, Sir, I shou'd not. - -_Young Fash._ How dost know? - -_Lo._ Because, Sir, I have wonder'd at you so often, I can wonder at -you no more. - -_Young Fash._ No! what wouldst thou say if a Qualm of Conscience should -spoil my Design? - -_Lo._ I wou'd eat my Words, and wonder more than ever. - -_Young Fash._ Why, faith, _Lory_, tho' I am a young Rake-hell, and -have play'd many a Roguish Trick; this is so full grown a Cheat, I find -I must take pains to come up to't; I have Scruples---- - -_Lo._ They are strong Symptoms of Death; if you find they increase, -pray, Sir, make your Will. - -_Young Fash._ No, my Conscience shan't starve me, neither. But thus far -I'll hearken to it; before I execute this Project, I'll try my Brother -to the bottom, I'll speak to him with the Temper of a Philosopher; -my Reasons (tho' they press him home) shall yet be cloth'd with so -much Modesty, not one of all the Truths they urge, shall be so naked -to offend his Sight: if he has yet so much Humanity about him, as to -assist me (tho' with a moderate Aid) I'll drop my Project at his Feet, -and shew him how I can do for him, much more than what I ask he'd do -for me. This one conclusive Trial of him I resolve to make-- - - _Succeed or no, still Victory's my Lot;_ } - _If I subdue his Heart, 'tis well; if not,_ } - _I shall subdue my Conscience to my Plot._ } - - [~Exeunt.~ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ II. +SCENE+ I. - - - _Enter ~Loveless~ and ~Amanda~._ - -_Lov._ How do you like these Lodgings, my Dear? For my part, I am so -well pleased with them, I shall hardly remove whilst we stay in Town, -if you are satisfy'd. - -_Aman._ I am satisfy'd with every thing that pleases you; else I had -not come to Town at all. - -_Lov._ O! a little of the Noise and Bustle of the World sweetens the -Pleasures of Retreat: We shall find the Charms of our Retirement -doubled, when we return to it. - -_Aman._ That pleasing Prospect will be my chiefest Entertainment, -whilst, much against my Will, I am obliged to stand surrounded with -these empty Pleasures, which 'tis so much the Fashion to be fond of. - -_Lov._ I own most of them are indeed but empty; nay, so empty, that one -would wonder by what Magick Power they act, when they induce us to be -vicious for their sakes. Yet some there are we may speak kindlier of: -There are Delights, of which a private Life is destitute, which may -divert an honest Man, and be a harmless Entertainment to a virtuous -Woman. The Conversation of the Town is one; and truly (with some small -Allowances) the Plays, I think, may be esteem'd another. - -_Aman._ The Plays, I must confess, have some small Charms; and wou'd -have more, wou'd they restrain that loose obscene Encouragement to -Vice, which shocks, if not the Virtue of some Women, at least the -Modesty of all. - -_Lov._ But till that Reformation can be made, I would not leave the -wholesome Corn for some intruding Tares that grow among it. Doubtless -the Moral of a well-wrought Scene is of prevailing Force----Last Night -there happen'd one that mov'd me strangely. - -_Aman._ Pray, what was that? - -_Lov._ Why 'twas about--but 'tis not worth repeating. - -_Aman._ Yes, pray let me know it. - -_Lov._ No, I think 'tis as well let alone. - -_Aman._ Nay, now you make me have a mind to know. - -_Lov._ 'Twas a foolish thing: You'd perhaps grow jealous shou'd I tell -it you, tho' without a Cause, Heaven knows. - -_Aman._ I shall begin to think I have cause, if you persist in making -it a Secret. - -_Lov._ I'll then convince you you have none, by making it no longer -so. Know then, I happen'd in the Play to find my very Character, only -with the Addition of a Relapse; which struck me so, I put a sudden Stop -to a most harmless Entertainment, which till then diverted me between -the Acts. 'Twas to admire the Workmanship of Nature, in the Face of -a young Lady that sat some distance from me, she was so exquisitely -handsome---- - -_Aman._ So exquisitely handsome! - -_Lov._ Why do you repeat my Words, my Dear? - -_Aman._ Because you seem'd to speak them with such Pleasure, I thought -I might oblige you with their Echo. - -_Lov._ Then you are alarmed, _Amanda_? - -_Aman._ It is my Duty to be so, when you are in danger. - -_Lov._ You are too quick in apprehending for me; all will be well when -you have heard me out. I do confess I gaz'd upon her, nay, eagerly I -gaz'd upon her. - -_Aman._ Eagerly! That's with Desire. - -_Lov._ No, I desir'd her not: I view'd her with a World of Admiration, -but not one Glance of Love. - -_Aman._ Take heed of trusting to such nice Distinctions. - -_Lov._ I did take heed; for observing in the Play, that he who seem'd -to represent me there, was, by an Accident like this, unwarily -surpriz'd into a Net, in which he lay a poor intangled Slave, and -brought a Train of Mischiefs on his Head, I snatch'd my Eyes away; they -pleaded hard for leave to look again, but I grew absolute, and they -obey'd. - -_Aman._ Were they the only things that were inquisitive? Had I been in -your place, my Tongue, I fancy, had been curious too: I shou'd have -ask'd her Name, and where she liv'd (yet still without Design:)--Who -was she, pray? - -_Lov._ Indeed I cannot tell. - -_Aman._ You will not tell. - -_Lov._ By all that's sacred, then, I did not ask. - -_Aman._ Nor do you know what Company was with her? - -_Lov._ I do not. - -_Aman._ Then I am calm again. - -_Lov._ Why, were you disturb'd? - -_Aman._ Had I then no cause? - -_Lov._ None certainly. - -_Aman._ I thought I had. - -_Lov._ But you thought wrong, _Amanda_; For turn the Case, and let -it be your Story; Should you come home, and tell me you had seen a -handsome Man, shou'd I grow jealous because you had Eyes? - -_Aman._ But shou'd I tell you he were exquisitely so; that I had gaz'd -on him with Admiration; that I had look'd with eager Eyes upon him; -shou'd you not think 'twere possible I might go one Step further, and -enquire his Name? - -_Lov._ [_Aside._] She has Reason on her side, I have talk'd too much; -but I must turn it off another way. [_To Aman._] Will you then make no -difference, _Amanda_, between the Language of our Sex and yours? There -is a Modesty restrains your Tongues, which makes you speak by halves -when you commend; but roving Flattery gives a loose to ours, which -makes us still speak double what we think: You shou'd not therefore, in -so strict a Sense, take what I said to her Advantage. - -_Aman._ Those Flights of Flattery, Sir, are to our Faces only: When -Women once are out of hearing, you are as modest in your Commendations -as we are. But I shan't put you to the trouble of farther Excuses; if -you please, this Business shall rest here. Only give me leave to wish, -both for your Peace and mine, that you may never meet this Miracle of -Beauty more. - -_Lov._ I am content. - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Serv._ Madam, there's a young Lady at the door in a Chair, desires -to know whether your Ladyship sees Company. I think her Name is -_Berinthia_. - -_Aman._ O dear! 'tis a Relation I have not seen this five Years. Pray -her to walk in. - - [_Exit Servant._ - -_To Lov._] Here's another Beauty for you. She was young when I saw her -last; but I hear she's grown extremely handsome. - -_Lov._ Don't you be jealous now, for I shall gaze upon her too. - - _Enter ~Berinthia~._ - -_Lov._ [_Aside._] Ha! By Heavens, the very Woman! - -_Ber._ [_Saluting Aman._] Dear _Amanda_, I did not expect to meet with -you in Town. - -_Aman._ Sweet Cousin, I'm overjoy'd to see you. [_To Lov._] Mr. -_Loveless_, here's a Relation and a Friend of mine, I desire you'll be -better acquainted with. - -_Lov._ [_Saluting Ber._] If my Wife never desires a harder thing, -Madam, her Request will be easily granted. - -_Ber._ [_To Aman._] I think, Madam, I ought to wish you Joy. - -_Aman._ Joy! Upon what? - -_Ber._ Upon your Marriage: You were a Widow when I saw you last. - -_Lov._ You ought rather, Madam, to wish me Joy upon that, since I am -the only Gainer. - -_Ber._ If she has got so good a Husband as the World reports, she has -gain'd enough to expect the Compliment of her Friends upon it. - -_Lov._ If the World is so favourable to me, to allow I deserve that -Title, I hope 'tis so just to my Wife, to own I derive it from her. - -_Ber._ Sir, it is so just to you both, to own you are, and deserve to -be, the happiest Pair that live in it. - -_Lov._ I'm afraid we shall lose that Character, Madam, whenever you -happen to change your Condition. - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Ser._ Sir, my Lord _Foppington_ presents his humble Service to you, -and desires to know how you do. He but just now heard you were in Town. -He's at the next Door; and if it be not inconvenient, he'll come and -wait upon you. - -_Lov._ Lord _Foppington_!--I know him not. - -_Ber._ Not his Dignity, perhaps, but you do his Person. 'Tis Sir -_Novelty_; he has bought a Barony, in order to marry a great Fortune: -His Patent has not been pass'd above eight-and-forty-Hours, and he has -already sent How do-ye's to all the Town, to make 'em acquainted with -his Title. - -_Lov._ Give my Service to his Lordship, and let him know, I am proud of -the Honour he intends me. - - [_Ex._. - -_Ser._ Sure this Addition of Quality must have so improv'd this -Coxcomb, he can't but be very good Company for a quarter of an Hour. - -_Aman._ Now it moves my Pity more than my Mirth, to see a Man whom -Nature has made no Fool, be so very industrious to pass for an Ass. - -_Lov._ No, there you are wrong, _Amanda_; you shou'd never bestow your -Pity upon those who take pains for your Contempt; Pity those whom -Nature abuses, but never those who abuse Nature. - -_Ber._ Besides, the Town wou'd be robb'd of one of its chiefest -Diversions, if it shou'd become a Crime to laugh at a Fool. - -_Aman._ I could never yet perceive the Town inclin'd to part with any -of its Diversions, for the sake of their being Crimes; but I have seen -it very fond of some, I think, had little else to recommend 'em. - -_Ber._ I doubt, _Amanda_, you are grown its Enemy, you speak with so -much warmth against it. - -_Aman._ I must confess I am not much its Friend. - -_Ber._ Then give me leave to make you mine, by not engaging in its -Quarrel. - -_Aman._ You have many stronger Claims than that, _Berinthia_, whenever -you think fit to plead your Title. - -_Lov._ You have done well to engage a Second, my Dear; for here comes -one will be apt to call you to an Account for your Country Principles. - - _Enter Lord_ Foppington. - -_Lord Fop._ [_To Lov._] Sir, I am your most humble Servant. - -_Lav._ I wish you Joy, my Lord. - -_Lord Fop._ O Laird, Sir----Madam, your Ladyship's welcome to Tawn. - -_Aman._ I wish your Lordship Joy. - -_Lord Fop._ O Heavens, Madam---- - -_Lov._ My Lord, this young Lady is a Relation of my Wife's. - -_Lord Fop._ [_Saluting her._] The beautifullest Race of People upon -Earth, Rat me. Dear _Loveless_, I am overjoy'd to see you have brought -your Family to Tawn again: I am, stap my Vitals--[_Aside._] For I -design to lie with your Wife. [_To Aman._] Far Gad's sake, Madam, haw -has your Ladyship been able to subsist thus long, under the Fatigue of -a Country Life? - -_Aman._ My life has been very far from that, my Lord, it has been a -very quiet one. - -_Lord Fop._ Why that's the Fatigue I speak of, Madam: For 'tis -impossible to be quiet, without thinking: Now thinking is to me the -greatest Fatigue in the World. - -_Aman._ Does not your Lordship love reading then? - -_Lord Fop._ Oh, passionately, Madam----But I never think of what I read. - -_Ber._ Why, can your Lordship read without thinking? - -_Lord Fop._ O Lard----Can your Ladyship pray without Devotion----Madam? - -_Aman._ Well, I must own I think Books the best Entertainment in the -World. - -_Lord Fop._ I am so much of your Ladyship's Mind, Madam, that I have a -private Gallery, where I walk sometimes, is furnished with nothing but -Books and Looking-glasses. Madam, I have gilded them, and rang'd 'em, -so prettily, before Gad, it is the most entertaining thing in the World -to walk and look upon 'em. - -_Aman._ Nay, I love a neat Library too; but 'tis, I think, the inside -of a Book shou'd recommend it most to us. - -_Lord Fop._ That, I must confess, I am not altogether so fand of. Far -to my mind the Inside of a Book, is to entertain one's self with the -forc'd Product of another Man's Brain. Naw I think a Man of Quality -and Breeding may be much diverted with the natural Sprauts of his own. -But to say the truth, Madam, let a Man love reading never so well, -when once he comes to know this Tawn, he finds so many better ways of -passing away the Four-and-twenty Hours, that 'twere ten thousand Pities -he shou'd consume his time in that. Far example, Madam, my Life; my -Life, Madam, is a perpetual Stream of Pleasure, that glides thro' such -a Variety of Entertainments, I believe the wisest of our Ancestors -never had the least Conception of any of 'em. - -I rise, Madam, about ten o'clock. I don't rise sooner, because 'tis the -worst thing in the World for the Complection; nat that I pretend to be -a Beau; but a Man must endeavour to look wholesome, lest he make to -nauseous a Figure in the Side-bax, the Ladies shou'd be compell'd to -turn their eyes upon the Play. So at Ten o'clock, I say, I rise. Naw, -if I find it a good Day, I resalve to take a Turn in the Park, and see -the fine Women; so huddle on my Clothes, and get dress'd by One. If it -be nasty Weather, I take a Turn in the Chocolate-house; where, as you -walk, Madam, you have the prettiest Prospect in the World; you have -Looking-glasses all round you----But I'm afraid I tire the Company. - -_Ber._ Not at all. Pray go on. - -_Lord Fop._ Why then, Ladies, from thence I go to Dinner at _Lacket_'s, -and there you are so nicely and delicately serv'd, that, stap my -Vitals, they can compose you a Dish, no bigger than a Saucer, shall -come to fifty Shillings; between eating my Dinner, and washing my -Mouth, Ladies, I spend my time, till I go to the Play; where, till Nine -o'clock, I entertain myself with looking upon the Company; and usually -dispose of one Hour more in leading them aut. So there's Twelve of the -Four-and-Twenty pretty well over. The other Twelve, Madam, are disposed -of in two Articles: In the first Four I toast myself drunk, and in -t'other Eight I sleep myself sober again. Thus, Ladies, you see my Life -is an eternal raund O of Delights. - -_Lov._ 'Tis a heavenly one, indeed! - -_Aman._ But, my Lord, you _Beaux_ spend a great deal of your Time in -Intrigues: You have given us no Account of them yet. - -_Lord Fop._ [_Aside._] Soh, she wou'd enquire into my Amours----That's -Jealousy----She begins to be in love with me. [_To Aman._] Why, -Madam----as to time for my Intrigues, I usually make Detachments of it -from my other Pleasures, according to the Exigency. Far your Ladyship -may please to take notice, that those who intrigue with Women of -Quality, have rarely occasion for above half an Hour at a time: People -of that Rank being under those Decorums, they can seldom give you a -larger View, than will justly serve to shoot 'em flying. So that the -Course of my other Pleasures is not very much interrupted by my Amours. - -_Lov._ But your Lordship now is become a Pillar of the State; you must -attend the weighty Affairs of the Nation. - -_Lord Fop._ Sir----as to weighty Affairs----I leave them to weighty -Heads. I never intend mine shall be a Burden to my Body. - -_Lov._ O, but you'll find the House will expect your Attendance. - -_Lord Fop._ Sir, you'll find the House will compound for my Appearance. - -_Lov._ But your Friends will take it ill if you don't attend their -particular Causes. - -_Lord Fop._ Not, Sir, if I come time enough to give 'em my particular -Vote. - -_Ber._ But pray, my Lord, how do you dispose of yourself on _Sundays_? -for that, methinks, shou'd hang wretchedly on your hands. - -_Lord Fop._ Why, faith, Madam----_Sunday_----is a vile day, I must -confess; I intend to move for leave to bring in a Bill, That Players -may work upon it, as well as the Hackney Coaches. Tho' this I must say -for the Government, it leaves us the Churches to entertain us----But -then again, they begin so abominable early, a Man must rise by -Candle-light to get dress'd by the Psalm. - -_Ber._ Pray which Church does your Lordship most oblige with your -Presence? - -_Lord Fop._ Oh, St. _James_'s, Madam----There's much the best Company. - -_Aman._ Is there good Preaching too? - -_Lord Fop._ Why, faith, Madam----I can't tell. A Man must have very -little to do there, that can give an Account of the Sermon. - -_Ber._ You can give us an Account of the Ladies, at least. - -_Lord Fop._ Or I deserve to be excommunicated--There is my Lady -_Tattle_, my Lady _Prate_, my Lady _Titter_, my Lady _Lear_, my Lady -_Giggle_, and my Lady _Grin_. These fit in the Front of the Boxes, and -all Church-time are the prettiest Company in the World, stap my Vitals. -[_To Aman._] Mayn't we hope for the Honour to see your Ladyship added -to our Society, Madam? - -_Aman._ Alas, my Lord, I am the worst Company in the World at Church: -I'm apt to mind the Prayers, or the Sermon, or---- - -_Lord Fop._ One is indeed strangely apt at Church to mind what one -should not do. But I hope, Madam, at one time or other, I shall have -the Honour to lead your Ladyship to your Coach there. [_Aside._] -Methinks she seems strangely pleas'd with every thing I say to -her--'Tis a vast pleasure to receive Encouragement from a Woman before -her Husband's Face----I have a good mind to pursue my Conquest, and -speak the thing plainly to her at once--I'gad, I'll do't, and that in -so Cavalier a manner, she shall be surpriz'd at it--Ladies, I'll take -my Leave: I'am afraid I begin to grow troublesome with the length of my -Visit. - -_Aman._ Your Lordship is too entertaining to grow troublesome any where. - -_Lord Fop._ [_Aside._] That now was as much as if she had said----Pray -lie with me. I'll let her see I'm quick of Apprehension. [_To Aman._] O -Lard, Madam, I had like to have forgot a Secret, I must needs tell your -Ladyship. [_To Lov._] Ned, you must not be so jealous now as to listen. - -_Lov._ Not I, my Lord; I'm too fashionable a Husband to pry into the -Secrets of my Wife. - -_Lord Fop._ [_To Aman. squeezing her Hand._] I am in love with you to -Desperation, strike me speechless. - -_Aman._ [_Giving him a Box o' th' Ear._] Then thus I return your -Passion----An impudent Fool! - -_Lord Fop._ Gad's Curse, Madam, I'm a Peer of the Realm. - -_Lov._ Hey; what the Devil, do you affront my Wife, Sir? Nay then-- - - [_They draw and fight. The Women run shrieking for Help._ - -_Aman._ Ah! What has my Folly done? Help! Murder, help! Part 'em, for -Heaven's sake. - -_Lord Fop._ [_Falling back, and leaning upon his Sword._] Ah----quite -thro' the Body----Stap my Vitals. - - _Enter Servants._ - -_Lov._ [_Running to him._] I hope I han't kill'd the Fool, -however----Bear him up! Where's your Wound? - -_Lord Fop._ Just thro' the Guts. - -_Lov._ Call a Surgeon there: Unbutton him quickly. - -_Lord Fop._ Ay, pray make haste. - -_Lov._ This Mischief you may thank yourself for. - -_Lord Fop._ I may so--Love's the Devil indeed, _Ned_. - - _Enter ~Syringe~ and Servant._ - -_Serv._ Here's Mr. _Syringe_, Sir, was just going by the Door. - -_Lord Fop._ He's the welcomest Man alive. - -_Syr._ Stand by, stand by, stand by. Pray, Gentlemen, stand by. Lord -have mercy upon us! Did you never see a Man run thro' the Body before? -Pray stand by. - -_Lord Fop._ Ah, Mr. _Syringe_.----I'm a dead Man. - -_Syr._ A dead Man, and I by----I shou'd laugh to see that, I'gad. - -_Lov._ Pr'ythee don't stand prating, but look upon his Wound. - -_Syr._ Why, what if I won't look upon his Wound this Hour, Sir? - -_Lov._ Why then he'll bleed to Death, Sir. - -_Syr._ Why, then I'll fetch him to life again, Sir. - -_Lov._ 'Slife, he's run thro' the Guts, I tell thee. - -_Syr._ Wou'd he were run thro' the Heart, I shou'd get the more Credit -by his Cure. Now I hope you are satisfy'd?----Come, now let me come at -him; now let me come at him. [_Viewing his Wound._] Oons, what a Gash -is here!--Why, Sir, a Man may drive a Coach and Six Horses into your -Body. - -_Lord Fop._ Ho---- - -_Syr._ Why, what the Devil, have you run the Gentleman thro' with a -Scythe?----[_Aside._] A little Prick between the Skin and the Ribs, -that's all. - -_Lov._ Let me see his Wound. - -_Syr._ Then you shall dress it, Sir; for if any body looks upon it, I -won't. - -_Lov._ Why, thou art the veriest Coxcomb I ever saw. - -_Syr._ Sir, I am not Matter of my Trade for nothing. - -_Lord Fop._ Surgeon! - -_Syr._ Well, Sir. - -_Lord Fop._ Is there any Hopes? - -_Syr._ Hopes!----I can't tell----What are you willing to give for your -Cure? - -_Lord Fop._ Five hundred Paunds with Pleasure. - -_Syr._ Why then perhaps there may be Hopes. But we must avoid further -Delay. Here, help the Gentleman into a Chair, and carry him to my House -presently, that's the properest place [_Aside._] to bubble him out of -his Money. Come, a Chair, a Chair quickly--There, in with him. - - [_They put him into a Chair._ - -_Lord Fop._ Dear _Loveless_----Adieu. If I die----I forgive thee; and -if I live----I hope thou wilt do as much by me. I am very sorry you -and I shou'd quarrel; but I hope here's an end on't, for if you are -satisfy'd----I am. - -_Lov._ I shall hardly think it worth my prosecuting any farther, so you -may be at rest, Sir. - -_Lord Fop._ Thou art a generous Fellow, strike me dumb. [_Aside._] But -thou hast an impertinent Wife, stap my Vitals. - -_Syr._ So, carry him off, carry him off, we shall have him prate -himself into a Fever by and by; carry him off. - - [_Ex. ~Serv.~ with ~L. Fop~._ - -_Aman._ Now on my Knees, my Dear, let me ask your pardon for my -Indiscretion, my own I never shall obtain. - -_Lov._ Oh, there's no harm done: You serv'd him well. - -_Aman._ He did indeed deserve it. But I tremble to think how dear my -indiscreet Resentment might have cost you. - -_Lov._ O, no matter; never trouble yourself about that. - -_Ber._ For Heaven's sake, what was't he did to you? - -_Aman._ O nothing; he only squeez'd me kindly by the Hand, and frankly -offer'd me a Coxcomb's Heart. I know I was to blame to resent it as I -did, since nothing but a Quarrel could ensue. But the Fool so surpriz'd -me with his Insolence, I was not Mistress of my Fingers. - -_Ber._ Now I dare swear, he thinks you had 'em at great Command, they -obey'd you so readily. - - _Enter ~Worthy~._ - -_Wor._ Save you, save you, good People; I'm glad to find you all alive; -I met a wounded Peer carrying off. For Heav'ns sake, what was the -matter? - -_Lov._ O, a Trifle: He would have lain with my Wife before my Face, so -she oblig'd him with a Box o'the Ear, and I run him thro' the Body: -That was all. - -_Wor._ _Bagatelle_ on all sides. But, pray, Madam, how long has this -noble Lord been an humble Servant of yours? - -_Aman._ This is the first I have heard on't. So I suppose 'tis his -Quality, more than his Love, has brought him into this Adventure. He -thinks his Title an authentick Passport to every Woman's Heart, below -the Degree of a Peeress. - -_Wor._ He's Coxcomb enough to think any thing. But I wou'd not have you -brought into Trouble for him: I hope there's no Danger of his Life? - -_Lov._ None at all: He's fallen into the Hands of a roguish Surgeon, -who I perceive designs to frighten a little Money out of him. But I saw -his Wound, 'tis nothing; he may go to the Play to-night, if he pleases. - -_Wor._ I'm glad you have corrected him without farther Mischief. And -now, Sir, if these Ladies have no farther Service for you, you'll -oblige me if you can go to the Place I spoke to you of t'other Day. - -_Lov._ With all my Heart. [_Aside._] Tho' I cou'd wish, methinks, to -stay and gaze a little longer on that Creature. Good God! How beautiful -she is!--But what have I to do with Beauty? I have already had my -Portion, and must not covet more. Come, Sir, when you please. - - [_To_ Wor. - -_Wor._ Ladies, your Servant. _Aman._ Mr. _Loveless_, pray one Word -with you before you go. - -_Lov. ~to~ Wor._] I'll overtake you, Sir: What wou'd my Dear? - -_Aman._ Only a Woman's foolish Question, How do you like my Cousin here? - -_Lov._ Jealous already, _Amanda_? - -_Aman._ Not at all; I ask you for another Reason. - -_Lov._ _Aside._] Whate'er her Reason be, I must not tell her true. [_To -Aman._] Why, I confess she's handsome. But you must not think I slight -your Kinswoman, if I own to you, of all the Women who may claim that -Character, she is the last wou'd triumph in my Heart. - -_Aman._ I'm satisfy'd. - -_Lov._ Now tell me why you ask'd? - -_Aman._ At Night I will. Adieu. - -_Lov._ I'm yours. [_Kissing her._] - - [_Exit Lov._ - -_Aman._ [_Aside._] I'm glad to find he does not like her; for I have a -great mind to persuade her to come and live with me. [_To Ber._] Now, -dear _Berinthia_, let me enquire a little into your Affairs: for I do -assure you, I am enough your Friend, to interest myself in every thing -that concerns you. - -_Ber._ You formerly have given me such Proofs on't, I shou'd be very -much to blame to doubt it; I am sorry I have no Secrets to trust you -with, that I might convince you how entire a Confidence I durst repose -in you. - -_Aman._ Why is it possible, that one so young and beautiful as you, -shou'd live and have no Secrets? - -_Ber._ What Secrets do you mean? - -_Aman._ Lovers. - -_Ber._ O Twenty; but not one secret one amongst 'em. Lovers in this -Age have too much Honour to do any thing under-hand; they do all -above-board. - -_Aman._ That now, methinks, wou'd make me hate a Man. - -_Ber._ But the Women of the Town are of another mind: For by this means -a Lady may, with the Expence of a few Coquet Glances, lead twenty Fools -about in a String, for two or three Years together. Whereas, if she -shou'd allow 'em greater Favours, and oblige 'em to Secrecy, she wou'd -not keep one of 'em a Fortnight. - -_Aman._ There's something indeed in That to satisfy the Vanity of a -Woman, but I can't comprehend how the Men find their Account in it. - -_Ber._ Their Entertainment, I must confess, is a Riddle to me. For -there's very few of them ever get farther than a Bow and an Ogle. I -have half a Score for my share, who follow me all over the Town; and -at the Play, the Park, and the Church, do, with their Eyes, say the -violent'st things to me----But I never hear any more of 'em. - -_Aman._ What can be the Reason of that? - -_Ber._ One Reason is, They don't know how to go farther. They have -had so little Practice, they don't understand the Trade. But besides -their Ignorance, you must know there is not one of my half-score Lovers -but what follows half a score Mistresses. Now their Affections being -divided amongst so many, are not strong enough for any one, to make 'em -pursue her to the Purpose. Like a young Puppy in a Warren, they have a -Flirt at all, and catch none. - -_Aman._ Yet they seem to have a Torrent of Love to dispose of. - -_Ber._ They have so: But 'tis like the River of a Modern Philosopher, -whose Works, tho' a Woman, I have read: it sets out with a violent -Stream, splits in a thousand Branches, and is all lost in the Sands. - -_Aman._ But do you think this River of Love runs all its Course without -doing any Mischief? Do you think it overflows nothing? - -_Ber._ O yes; 'tis true, it never breaks into any body's Ground that -has the least Fence about it; but it overflows all the Commons that -lie in its way. And this is the utmost Achievement of those dreadful -Champions in the Field of Love--the Beaux. - -_Aman._ But pr'ythee, _Berinthia_, instruct me a little farther; for I -am so great a Novice, I'm almost asham'd on't. My Husband's leaving me -whilst I was young and fond, threw me into that Depth of Discontent, -that ever since I have led so private and recluse a Life, my Ignorance -is scarce conceivable. I therefore fain would be instructed: Not, -Heaven knows, that what you call Intrigues have any Charms for me: -my Love and Principles are too well fix'd. The practick Part of all -unlawful Love is---- - -_Ber._ O 'tis abominable: But for the Speculative--that we must all -confess is entertaining. The Conversation of all the virtuous Women in -the Town turns upon that and new Clothes. - -_Aman._ Pray be so just then to me, to believe, 'tis with a World of -Innocency I wou'd enquire, Whether you think those Women we call Women -of Reputation, do really 'scape all other Men, as they do those Shadows -of 'em, the Beaux. - -_Ber._ O no, _Amanda_; there are a sort of Men make dreadful Work -amongst 'em: Men that may be call'd The Beaux Antipathy; for they agree -in nothing but walking upon two Legs. - - These have Brains: The Beau has none. - These are in Love with their Mistress: The Beau with himself. - They take care of her Reputation: He's industrious to destroy it. - They are decent: He's a Fop. - They are sound: He's rotten. - They are Men: He's an Ass. - -_Aman._ If this be their Character, I fancy we had here e'en now a -Pattern of 'em both. - -_Ber._ His Lordship and Mr. _Worthy_? - -_Aman._ The same. - -_Ber._ As for the Lord, he's eminently so; And for the other, I can -assure you, there's not a Man in Town who has a better Interest with -the Women, that are worth having an Interest with. But 'tis all -private: He's like a Back-stair Minister at Court, who, whilst the -reputed Favourites are sauntering in the Bed-chamber, is ruling the -Roast in the Closet. - -_Aman._ He answers then the Opinion I had ever of him. Heavens! What -a difference there is between a Man like him, and that vain nauseous -Fop, Sir _Novelty_! [_Taking her Hand._] I must acquaint you with a -Secret, Cousin. 'Tis not that Fool alone has talked to me of Love, -_Worthy_ has been tampering too: 'Tis true, he has done it in vain: Not -all his Charms or Art have power to shake me. My Love, my Duty, and -my Virtue, are such faithful Guards, I need not fear my Heart shou'd -e'er betray me. But what I wonder at is this: I find I did not start at -his Proposal, as when it came from one whom I contemn'd. I therefore -mention this Attempt, that I may learn from you whence it proceeds, -that Vice, which cannot change its Nature, shou'd so far change at -least its Shape, as that the self-same Crime propos'd from one shall -seem a Monster gaping at your Ruin, when from another it shall look so -kind, as tho' it were your Friend, and never meant to harm you. Whence -think you, can this Difference proceed? For 'tis not Love, Heaven knows. - -_Ber._ O no; I wou'd not for the World believe it were. But possibly, -shou'd there a dreadful Sentence pass upon you, to undergo the Rage -of both their Passions; the Pain you apprehend from one might seem so -trivial to the other, the Danger wou'd not quite so much alarm you. - -_Aman._ Fy, fy, _Berinthia_! you wou'd indeed alarm me, cou'd you -incline me to a Thought, that all the Merit of Mankind combin'd, cou'd -shake that tender Love I bear my Husband: No, he sits triumphant in my -Heart, and nothing can dethrone him. - -_Ber._ But shou'd he abdicate again, do you think you shou'd preserve -the vacant Throne ten tedious Winters more, in hopes of his return? - -_Aman._ Indeed I think I shou'd. Tho' I confess, after those -Obligations he has to me, shou'd he abandon me once more, my Heart -wou'd grow extremely urgent with me to root him thence, and cast him -out for ever. - -_Ber._ Were I that thing they call a slighted Wife, some Body shou'd -run the risque of being that thing they call--a Husband. - -_Aman._ O fy, _Berinthia_! No Revenge shou'd ever be taken against a -Husband: But to wrong his Bed is a Vengeance, which of all Vengeance---- - -_Ber._ Is the sweetest--ha, ha, ha! Don't I talk madly? - -_Aman._ Madly indeed. - -_Ber._ Yet I'm very innocent. - -_Aman._ That I dare swear you are. I know how to make Allowances for -your Humour: You were always very entertaining Company; but I find -since Marriage and Widowhood have shewn you the World a little, you are -very much improv'd. - -_Ber._ [_Aside._] Alack a-day, there has gone more than that to improve -me, if she knew all. - -_Aman._ For Heaven's sake, _Berinthia_, tell me what way I shall take -to persuade you to come and live with me? - -_Ber._ Why, one way in the World there is----and but one. - -_Aman._ Pray which is that? - -_Ber._ It is to assure me--I shall be very welcome. - -_Aman._ If that be all, you shall e'en lie here to-night. - -_Ber._ To-night? - -_Aman._ Yes, to-night. - -_Ber._ Why, the People where I lodge will think me mad. - -_Aman._ Let 'em think what they please. - -_Ber._ Say you so, _Amanda_? Why then they shall think what they -please: For I'm a young Widow, and I care not what any body thinks. Ah, -_Amanda_, it's a delicious thing to be a young Widow. - -_Aman._ You'll hardly make me think so. - -_Ber._ Phu, because you are in love with your Husband: but that is not -every Woman's Case. - -_Aman._ I hope 'twas yours, at least. - -_Ber._ Mine, say ye? Now I have a great mind to tell you a Lye, but I -shou'd do it so aukwardly, you'd find me out. - -_Aman._ Then e'en speak the Truth. - -_Ber._ Shall I?----Then after all, I did love him, _Amanda_----as a Nun -does Penance. _Aman._ Why did not you refuse to marry him, then? - -_Ber._ Because my Mother wou'd have whipt me. - -_Aman._ How did you live together? - -_Ber._ Like Man and Wife--asunder; - - He lov'd the Country, I the Town. - He Hawks and Hounds, I Coaches and Equipage. - He Eating and Drinking, I Carding and Playing. - He the Sound of a Horn, I the Squeak of a Fiddle. - We were dull Company at Table, worse a-bed. - Whenever we met, we gave one another the Spleen. - And never agreed but once, which was about lying alone. - -_Aman._ But tell me one thing truly and sincerely. - -_Ber._ What's that? - -_Aman._ Notwithstanding all these Jars, did not his Death at last -extremely trouble you? - -_Ber._ O yes: Not that my present Pangs were so very violent, but the -After-pains were intolerable. I was forc'd to wear a beastly Widow's -Band a Twelvemonth for't. - -_Aman._ Women, I find, have different Inclinations. - -_Ber._ Women, I find, keep different Company. When your Husband ran -away from you, if you had fallen into some of my Acquaintance, 'twou'd -have sav'd you many a Tear. But you go and live with a Grandmother, a -Bishop, and an old Nurse, which was enough to make any Woman break her -Heart for her Husband. Pray, _Amanda_, if ever you are a Widow again, -keep yourself so as I do. - -_Aman._ Why, do you then resolve you'll never marry? - -_Ber._ O, no; I resolve I will. - -_Aman._ How so? - -_Ber._ That I never may. - -_Aman._ You banter me. - -_Ber._ Indeed I don't. But I consider I'm a Woman, and form my -Resolutions accordingly. - -_Aman._ Well, my Opinion is, form what Resolution you will, Matrimony -will be the end on't. - -_Ber._ Faith it won't. - -_Aman._ How do you know? - -_Ber._ I'm sure on't. - -_Aman._ Why, do you think 'tis impossible for you to fall in love? - -_Ber._ No. - -_Aman._ Nay, but to grow so passionately fond, that nothing but the Man -you love can give you rest? - -_Ber._ Well, what then? - -_Aman._ Why, then you'll marry him. - -_Ber._ How do you know that? - -_Aman._ Why, what can you do else? - -_Ber._ Nothing--but sit and cry. - -_Aman._ Psha. - -_Ber._ Ah, poor _Amanda_, you have led a Country Life: But if you'll -consult the Widows of this Town, they'll tell you, you shou'd never -take a Lease of a House you can hire for a Quarter's Warning. - - [_Exeunt._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ III. - - - _Enter Lord ~Foppington~ and Servant._ - -_Lord Fop._ Hey, Fellow, let the Coach come to the Door. - -_Serv._ Will your Lordship venture so soon to expose yourself to the -Weather? - -_Lord Fop._ Sir, I will venture as soon as I can, to expose myself -to the Ladies: tho' give me my Cloke, however; for in that Side-bax, -what between the Air that comes in at the Door on one side, and the -intolerable Warmth of the Masks on t'other, a Man gets so many Heats -and Colds, 'twou'd destroy the Canstitution of a Harse. - -_Ser._ [_Putting on his Cloke._] I wish your Lordship wou'd please -to keep House a little longer, I'm afraid your Honour does not well -consider your Wound. - -_Lord Fop._ My Wound!----I wou'd not be in Eclipse another Day, tho' I -had as many Wounds in my Guts as I have had in my Heart. - - _Enter ~Young Fashion~._ - -_Young Fash._ Brother, your Servant. How do you find yourself to-day? - -_Lord Fop._ So well, that I have arder'd my Coach to the Door: So -there's no great Danger of Death this baut, _Tam_. - -_Young Fash._ I'm very glad of it. - -_Lord Fop._ _aside._] That I believe's a Lye. Pr'ythee, _Tam_, tell me -one thing: Did not your Heart cut a Caper up to your Mauth, when you -heard I was run thro' the Bady? - -_Young Fash._ Why do you think it shou'd? - -_Lord Fop._ Because I remember mine did so, when I heard my Father was -shat thro' the Head? - -_Young Fash._ It then did very ill. - -_Lord Fop._ Pr'ythee, why so? - -_Young Fash._ Because he us'd you very well. - -_Lord Fop._ Well?--naw strike me dumb, he starv'd me. He has let me -want a Thausand Women for want of a Thausand Paund. - -_Young Fash._ Then he hindered you from making a great many ill -Bargains; for I think no Woman is worth Money, that will take Money. - -_Lord Fop._ If I were a younger Brother, I shou'd think so too. - -_Young Fash._ Why, is it possible you can value a Woman that's to be -bought? - -_Lord Fop._ Pr'ythee, why not as well as a Pad-Nag? - -_Young Fash._ Because a Woman has a Heart to dispose of; a Horse has -none. - -_Lord Fop._ Look you, _Tam_, of all things that belang to a Woman, I -have an Aversion to her Heart; far when once a Woman has given you her -Heart----you can never get rid of the rest of her Bady. - -_Young Fash._ This is strange Doctrine: But pray in your Amours how is -it with your own Heart? - -_Lord Fop._ Why, my Heart in my Amours----is like----my Heart aut of -my Amours; _a la glace_. My Bady, _Tam_, is a Watch; and my Heart is -the Pendulum to it; whilst the Finger runs raund to every Hour in the -Circle, that still beats the same time. - -_Young Fash._ Then you are seldom much in love? - -_Lord Fop._ Never, Stap my Vitals. - -_Young Fash._ Why then did you make all this Bustle about _Amanda_? - -_Lord Fop._ Because she was a Woman of an insolent Virtue, and I -thought myself piqu'd in Honour to debauch her. - -_Young Fash._ Very well. [_Aside._] Here's a rare Fellow for you, -to have the spending of Five Thousand Pounds a-year. But now for my -Business with him. [_To Lord Fop._] Brother, tho' I know to talk of -Business (especially of Money) is a Theme not quite so entertaining to -you as that of the Ladies, my Necessities are such, I hope you'll have -patience to hear me. - -_Lord Fop._ The greatness of your Necessities, _Tam_, is the worst -Argument in the Warld far your being patiently heard. I do believe you -are going to make a very good Speech, but, strike me dumb, it has the -worst beginning of any Speech I have heard this Twelvemonth. - -_Young Fash._ I'm very sorry you think so. - -_Lord Fop._ I do believe thou art. But come, let's know thy Affair -quickly; for 'tis a new Play, and I shall be so rumpled and squeezed -with pressing thro' the Crawd, to get to my Servant, the Women will -think I have lain all Night in my Clothes. - -_Young Fash._ Why then (that I may not be the Author of so great a -Misfortune) my Case in a Word is this: The necessary Expences of my -Travels have so much exceeded the wretched Income of my Annuity, that -I have been forced to mortgage it for Five Hundred Pounds, which is -spent; so that unless you are so kind to assist me in redeeming it, I -know no Remedy but to take a Purse. - -_Lord Fop._ Why, Faith, _Tam_----to give you my Sense of the thing, -I do think taking a Purse the best Remedy in the Warld; for if you -succeed, you are reliev'd that way; if you are taken----you are -reliev'd t'other. - -_Young Fash._ I'm glad to see you are in so pleasant a Humour, I hope I -shall find the Effects on't. - -_Lord Fop._ Why, do you then really think it a reasonable thing I -should give you Five Hundred Paunds? - -_Young Fash._ I do not ask it as a Due, Brother, I am willing to -receive it as a Favour. - -_Lord Fop._ Thau art willing to receive it any haw, strike me -speechless. But these are damn'd times to give Money in: Taxes are so -great, Repairs so exorbitant, Tenants such Rogues, and Perriwigs so -dear, that the Devil take me, I'm reduc'd to that extremity in my Cash, -I have been farc'd to retrench in that one Article of sweet Pawder, -till I have braught it dawn to Five Guineas a Manth. Naw judge, _Tam_, -whether I can spare you Five hundred Paunds? - -_Young Fash._ If you can't, I must starve, that's all, [_Aside._] Damn -him. - -_Lord Fop._ All I can say is, you should have been a better Husband. - -_Young Fash._ 'Oons, if you can't live upon five thousand a-year, how -do you think I should do't upon two hundred? - -_Lord Fop._ Don't be in a Passion, _Tam_; far Passion is the most -unbecoming thing in the Warld----to the Face. Look you, I don't love to -say any thing to you to make you melancholy; but upon this occasion I -must take leave to put you in mind, that a Running Horse does require -more Attendance, than a Coach-Horse. Nature has made some difference -'twixt you and I. - -_Young Fash._ Yes, she has made you older. [_Aside._] Pox take her. - -_Lord Fop._ That is nat all. _Tam_. - -_Young Fash._ Why, what is there else? - -_Lord Fop._ [_Looking first upon himself, then upon his -Brother._]----Ask the Ladies. - -_Young Fash._ Why, thou Essence Bottle, thou Musk-Cat, dost thou then -think thou hast any Advantage over me, but what Fortune has given thee? - -_Lord Fop._ I do----stap my Vitals. - -_Young Fash._ Now, by all that's great and powerful, thou art the -Prince of Coxcombs. - -_Lord Fop._ Sir----I am praud of being at the Head of so prevailing a -Party. - -_Young Fash._ Will nothing then provoke thee?--Draw, Coward. - -_Lord Fop._ Look you, _Tam_, you know I have always taken you for a -mighty dull Fellow, and here is one of the foolishest Plats broke -out, that I have seen a long time. Your Paverty makes your Life so -burdensome to you, you would provoke me to a Quarrel, in hopes either -to slip thro' my Lungs into my Estate, or to get yourself run thro' the -Guts, to put an end to your Pain. But I will disappoint you in both -your Designs; far with the Temper of a Philasapher, and the Discretion -of a Statesman--I will go to the Play with my Sword in my Scabbard. - - [_Exit ~Lord Fop~._ - -_Young Fash._ So! Farewel, Snuff-Box. And now, Conscience, I defy thee. -_Lory!_ - - _Enter ~Lory~._ - -_Lo._ Sir. - -_Young Fash._ Here's rare News, _Lory_; his Lordship has given me a -Pill has purg'd off all my Scruples. - -_Lo._ Then my Heart's at ease again: For I have been in a lamentable -Fright, Sir, ever since your Conscience had the Impudence to intrude -into your Company. - -_Young Fash._ Be at peace, it will come there no more: My Brother has -given it a wring by the Nose, and I have kick'd it down Stairs. So run -away to the Inn; get the Horses ready quickly, and bring them to old -_Coupler_'s, without a Moment's Delay. - -_Lo._ Then, Sir, you are going straight about the Fortune. - -_Young Fash._ I am: away; fly, _Lory_. - -_Lo._ The happiest Day I ever saw. I'm upon the Wing already. - - [_Exeunt several ways._ - - -+SCENE+, _A Garden_. - - _Enter ~Loveless~ and Servant_. - -_Lov._ Is my Wife within? - -_Ser._ No, Sir, she has been gone out this Half-hour. - -_Lov._ 'Tis well; leave me. - - _Solus._ - - Sure Fate has yet some Business to be done, - Before _Amanda_'s Heart and mine must rest; - Else, why amongst those Legions of her Sex, - Which throng the World, - Shou'd she pick out for her Companion - The only one on Earth - Whom Nature has endow'd for her undoing? - Undoing was't, I said----Who shall undo her? - Is not her Empire fix'd? Am I not hers? - Did she not rescue me, a groveling Slave, - When, chain'd and bound by that black Tyrant Vice, - I labour'd in his vilest Drudgery? - Did she not ransom me, and set me free? - Nay, more: - When by my Follies sunk - To a poor tatter'd, despicable Beggar, - Did she not lift me up to envy'd Fortune? - Give me herself, and all that she possest? - Without a Thought of more Return, - Than what a poor repenting Heart might make her, - Han't she done this? And if she has, - Am I not strongly bound to love her for it? - To love her--Why, do I not love her then? - By Earth and Heaven, I do! - Nay, I have Demonstration that I do: - For I would sacrifice my Life to serve her. - Yet hold----If laying down my Life - Be Demonstration of my Love, - What is't I feel in favour of _Berinthia_? - For shou'd she be in danger, methinks, I cou'd incline - To risk it for her Service too; and yet I do not love her. - How then subsists my Proof?-- - --O, I have found it out. - What I would do for one, is Demonstration of my Love; - And if I'd do as much for t'other: it there is Demonstration - of my Friendship----Ay----it must be so. I find - I'm very much her Friend.--Yet let me ask myself one - puzzling Question more: - Whence springs this mighty Friendship all at once? - For our Acquaintance is of a later Date. Now Friendship's - said to be a Plant of tedious Growth, its Root - compos'd of tender Fibres, nice in their Taste, cautious - in spreading, check'd with the least Corruption in the - Soil, long ere it take, and longer still ere it appear to - do so; whilst mine is in a Moment shot so high, and fix'd - so fast, it seems beyond the Power of Storms to shake it. - I doubt it thrives too fast. - - [_Musing._ - - _Enter ~Berinthia~._ - - --Ah, she here!--Nay, then take heed, my Heart, for - there are Dangers towards. - -_Ber._ What makes you look so thoughtful, Sir? I hope you are not ill. - -_Lov._ I was debating, Madam, whether I was so or not; and that was it -which made me look so thoughtful. - -_Ber._ Is it then so hard a matter to decide? I thought all People had -been acquainted with their own Bodies, tho' few People know their own -Minds. - -_Lov._ What if the Distemper, I suspect, be in the Mind? - -_Ber._ Why then I'll undertake to prescribe you a Cure. - -_Lov._ Alas, you undertake you know not what. - -_Ber._ So far at least then allow me to be a Physician. - -_Lov._ Nay, I'll allow you so yet farther: For I have reason to -believe, shou'd I put myself into your Hands, you wou'd increase my -Distemper. - -_Ber._ Perhaps I might have Reasons from the College not to be too -quick in your Cure; but 'tis possible, I might find ways to give you -often Ease, Sir. - -_Lov._ Were I but sure of that, I'd quickly lay my Case before you. - -_Ber._ Whether you are sure of it or no, what Risk do you run in trying? - -_Lov._ O, a very great one. - -_Ber._ How? - -_Lov._ You might betray my Distemper to my Wife. - -_Ber._ And so lose all my Practice. - -_Lov._ Will you then keep my Secret? - -_Ber._ I will, if it don't burst me. - -_Lov._ Swear. - -_Ber._ I do. - -_Lov._ By what? - -_Ber._ By Woman. - -_Lov._ That's swearing by my Deity. Do it by your own, or I shan't -believe you. - -_Ber._ By Man then. - -_Lov._ I'm satisfy'd. Now hear my Symptoms, and give me your Advice. -The first were these: - - When 'twas my Chance to see you at the Play, - A random Glance you threw, at first alarm'd me, - I cou'd not turn my Eyes from whence the Danger came: - I gaz'd upon you, till you shot again, - And then my Fears came on me. - My Heart began to pant, my Limbs to tremble, - My Blood grew thin, my Pulse beat quick, - My Eyes grew hot and dim, and all the Frame of Nature - Shook with Apprehension. - 'Tis true, some small Recruits of Resolution - My Manhood brought to my Assistance, - And by their Help I made a Stand a while, - But found at last your Arrows flew so thick, - They cou'd not fail to pierce me; - So left the Field, - And fled for shelter to _Amanda_'s Arms. - What think you of these Symptoms, pray? - -_Ber._ Feverish every one of 'em. But what Relief pray did your Wife -afford you? - -_Lov._ Why, instantly she let me Blood, which for the present much -assuag'd my Flame. But when I saw you, out it burst again, and rag'd -with greater Fury than before. Nay, since you now appear, 'tis so -increas'd, that in a Moment, if you do not help me, I shall, whilst you -look on, consume to Ashes. - - [_Taking hold of her Hand._ - -_Ber._ [_Breaking from him._] O Lard, let me go: 'Tis the Plague, and -we shall all be infected. - -_Lov._ [_Catching her in his Arms, and kissing her._] Then we'll die -together, my charming Angel. - -_Ber._ O Ged----the Devil's in you. Lard, let me go, here's somebody -coming. - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Serv._ Sir, my Lady's come home, and desires to speak with you: She's -in her Chamber. - -_Lov._ Tell her I'm coming. - - [_Exit Serv._ - -_To Ber._ But before I go, one Glass of Nectar more to drink her Health. - -_Ber._ Stand off, or I shall hate you, by Heavens! - -_Lov._ [_Kissing her._] In Matters of Love, a Woman's Oath is no more -to be minded than a Man's. - -_Ber._ Um---- - - _Enter ~Worthy~._ - -_Wor._ Ha! What's here? my old Mistress, and so close, I'faith! I wou'd -not spoil her Sport for the Universe. - - [_He retires._ - -_Ber._ O Ged----Now do I pray to Heaven, [_Exit ~Loveless~ running._] -with all my Heart and Soul, that the Devil in Hell may take me, if -ever----I was better pleas'd in my Life--This Man has bewitch'd -me, that's certain. [_Sighing._] Well, I am condemn'd, but, Thanks -to Heaven, I feel myself each Moment more and more prepar'd for my -Execution--Nay, to that degree, I don't perceive I have the least fear -of Dying. No, I find, let the Executioner be but a Man, and there's -nothing will suffer with more Resolution than a Woman. Well, I never -had but one Intrigue yet: But I confess I long to have another. Pray -Heaven it end as the first did tho', that we may both grow weary at a -time; for 'tis a melancholy thing for Lovers to outlive one another. - - _Enter ~Worthy~._ - -_Wor._ [_Aside._] This Discovery's a lucky one, I hope to make a happy -use on't. That Gentlewoman there is no Fool; so I shall be able to make -her understand her Interest. [_To_ Ber.] Your Servant, Madam; I need -not ask you how you do, you have got so good a Colour. - -_Ber._ No better than I us'd to have, I suppose. - -_Wor._ A little more Blood in your Cheeks. - -_Ber._ The Weather's hot. - -_Wor._ If it were not, a Woman may have a Colour. - -_Ber._ What do you mean by that? - -_Wor._ Nothing. - -_Ber._ Why do you smile then? - -_Wor._ Because the Weather's hot. - -_Ber._ You'll never leave roguing, I see that. - -_Wor._ [_Putting his Finger to his Nose._] You'll never leave----I see -that. - -_Ber._ Well, I can't imagine what you drive at. Pray tell me what you -mean? - -_Wor._ Do you tell me, it's the same thing. - -_Ber._ I can't. - -_Wor._ Guess! - -_Ber._ I shall guess wrong. - -_Wor._ Indeed you won't. - -_Ber._ Psha! either tell, or let it alone. - -_Wor._ Nay, rather than let it alone, I will tell. But first I must put -you in mind that, after what has past 'twixt you and I, very few things -ought to be Secrets between us. - -_Ber._ Why what Secrets do we hide? I know of none. - -_Wor._ Yes, there are two; one I have hid from you, and t'other -you wou'd hide from me. You are fond of _Loveless_, which I have -discover'd; and I am fond of his Wife---- - -_Ber._ Which I have discover'd. - -_Wor._ Very well; now I confess your Discovery to be true, what do you -say to mine? - -_Ber._ Why, I confess----I wou'd swear 'twere false, if I thought you -were Fool enough to believe me. - -_Wor._ Now am I almost in Love with you again. Nay, I don't know but -I might be quite so, had I made one short Campaign with _Amanda_. -Therefore, if you find 'twould tickle your Vanity, to bring me down -once more to your Lure, e'en help me quickly to dispatch her Business, -that I may have nothing else to do, but to apply myself to yours. - -_Ber._ Do you then think, Sir, I am old enough to be a Bawd? - -_Wor._ No, but I think you are wise enough to---- - -_Ber._ To do what? - -_Wor._ To hoodwink _Amanda_ with a Gallant, that she mayn't see who is -her Husband's Mistress. - -_Ber._ [_Aside._] He has reason: The Hint's a good one. - -_Wor._ Well, Madam, what think you on't? - -_Ber._ I think you are so much a deeper Politician in these Affairs -than I am, that I ought to have a very great regard to your Advice. - -_Wor._ Then give me leave to put you in mind, that the most easy, safe, -and pleasant Situation for your own Amour, is the House in which you -now are; provided you keep _Amanda_ from any sort of Suspicion. That -the way to do that, is to engage her in an Intrigue of her own, making -yourself her Confidante. And the way to bring her to intrigue, is to -make her jealous of her Husband in a wrong place; which the more you -foment, the less you'll be suspected. This is my Scheme, in short; -which if you follow as you shou'd do, (my dear _Berinthia_) we may all -four pass the Winter very pleasantly. - -_Ber._ Well, I could be glad to have nobody's Sins to answer for but my -own. But where there is a Necessity-- - -_Wor._ Right! as you say, where there is a Necessity, a Christian is -bound to help his Neighbour. So, good _Berinthia_, lose no time, but -let us begin the Dance as fast as we can. - -_Ber._ Not till the Fiddles are in tune, pray, Sir. Your Lady's Strings -will be very apt to fly, I can tell you that, if they are wound up -too hastily. But if you'll have patience to skrew them to a pitch by -degrees, I don't doubt but she may endure to be play'd upon. - -_Wor._ Ay, and will make admirable Musick too, or I'm mistaken; but -have you had no private Closet Discourse with her yet about Males and -Females, and so forth, which may give you hopes in her Constitution; -for I know her Morals are the Devil against us. - -_Ber._ I have had so much Discourse with her, that I believe were she -once cur'd of her fondness to her Husband, the Fortress of her Virtue -wou'd not be so impregnable as she fancies. - -_Wor._ What! she runs, I'll warrant you, into that common Mistake of -fond Wives, who conclude themselves virtuous, because they can refuse a -Man they don't like, when they have got one they do. - -_Ber._ True, and there I think 'tis a presumptuous thing in a Woman -to assume the Name of Virtuous, till she has heartily hated her -Husband, and been soundly in love with somebody else. Whom if she has -withstood--then--much good may it do her! - -_Wor._ Well, so much for her Virtue. Now, one word of her Inclinations, -and every one to their Post. What Opinion do you find she has of me? - -_Ber._ What you cou'd wish; she thinks you handsome and discreet. - -_Wor._ Good, that's thinking half Seas over. One Tide more brings us -into Port. - -_Ber._ Perhaps it may, tho' still remember, there's a difficult Bar to -pass. - -_Wor._ I know there is, but I don't question I shall get well over it, -by the help of such a Pilot. - -_Ber._ You may depend upon your Pilot, she'll do the best she can; so -weigh Anchor, and be gone as soon as you please. - -_Wor._ I'm under Sail already. Adieu. - - [_Exit ~Wor~._ - -_Ber._ _Bon Voyage._ - - _Sola._ - - So, here's fine Work. What a Business have I undertaken! I'm a - very pretty Gentlewoman, truly; but there was no avoiding it: He'd - have ruin'd me, if I had refus'd him. Besides, faith, I begin to - fancy there may be as much pleasure in carrying on another body's - Intrigue, as one's own. This at least is certain, it exercises - almost all the entertaining Faculties of a Woman: For there's - employment for Hypocrisy, Invention, Deceit, Flattery, Mischief, - and Lying. - - _Enter ~Amanda~, her Woman following her._ - -_Wom._ If you please, Madam, only to say, whether you'll have me to buy -'em or not. - -_Aman._ Yes, no, go fiddle; I care not what you do. Pr'ythee leave me. - -_Wom._ I have done. - - [_Exit Wom._ - -_Ber._ What in the Name of _Jove_'s the matter with you? - -_Aman._ The matter, _Berinthia_! I'm almost mad, I'm plagu'd to death. - -_Ber._ Who is it that plagues you? - -_Aman._ Who do you think shou'd plague a Wife, but her Husband? - -_Ber._ O ho, is it come to that? We shall have you wish yourself a -Widow by and by. - -_Aman._ Wou'd I were any thing but what I am! A base ungrateful Man, -after what I have done for him, to use me thus! - -_Ber._ What, he has been ogling now, I'll warrant you? - -_Aman._ Yes, he has been ogling. - -_Ber._ And so you are jealous? Is that all? - -_Aman._ That all! Is jealousy then nothing? - -_Ber._ It shou'd be nothing, if I were in your Case. - -_Aman._ Why, what wou'd you do? - -_Ber._ I'd cure myself. - -_Aman._ How? - -_Ber._ Let Blood in the fond Vein: Care as little for my Husband as he -did for me. - -_Aman._ That would not stop his Course. - -_Ber._ Nor nothing else, when the Wind's in the warm Corner. Look you, -_Amanda_, you may build Castles in the Air, and fume, and fret, and -grow thin and lean, and pale and ugly, if you please. But I tell you, -no Man worth having is true to his Wife, or can be true to his Wife, or -ever was, or ever will be so. - -_Aman._ Do you then really think he's false to me? for I did but -suspect him. - -_Ber._ Think so? I know he's so. - -_Aman._ Is it possible? Pray tell me what you know. - -_Ber._ Don't press me then to name Names; for that I have sworn I won't -do. - -_Aman._ Well, I won't; but let me know all you can without Perjury. - -_Ber._ I'll let you know enough to prevent any wise Woman's dying -of the Pip; and I hope you'll pluck up your Spirits, and shew, upon -occasion, you can be as good a Wife as the best of 'em. - -_Aman._ Well, what a Woman, can do I'll endeavour. - -_Ber._ O, a Woman can do a great deal, if once she sets her mind to it. -Therefore pray don't stand trifling any longer, and teasing yourself -with this and that, and your Love and your Virtue, and I know not what. -But resolve to hold up your Head, get a tiptoe, and look over them all; -for to my certain knowledge your husband is a pickering elsewhere. - -_Aman._ You are sure on't? - -_Ber._ Positively, he fell in love at the Play. - -_Aman._ Right, the very same; do you know the ugly thing? - -_Ber._ Yes, I know her well enough; but she's no such ugly thing, -neither. - -_Aman._ Is she very handsome? - -_Ber._ Truly I think so. - -_Aman._ Hey-ho! - -_Ber._ What do you sigh for now? - -_Aman._ Oh my Heart! - -_Ber._ [_Aside._] Only the Pangs of Nature! she's in Labour of her -Love; Heaven send her a quick Delivery! I'm sure she has a good Midwife. - -_Aman._ I'm very ill, I must go to my Chamber; Dear _Berinthia_, don't -leave me a Moment. - -_Ber._ No, don't fear. [_Aside._] I'll see you safe brought-to-bed, -I'll warrant you. - - [_Exeunt, ~Amanda~ leaning upon ~Berinthia~._ - - -+SCENE+, _A Country-House_. - - _Enter ~Young~ Fashion and ~Lory~._ - -_Young Fash._ So, here's our Inheritance, _Lory_, if we can but get -into Possession. But, methinks, the Seat of our Family looks like -_Noah_'s Ark, as if the chief part on't were design'd for the Fowls of -the Air, and the Beasts of the Field. - -_Lo._ Pray, Sir, don't let your Head run upon the Orders of Building -here; get but the Heiress, let the Devil take the House. - -_Young Fash._ Get but the House, let the Devil take the Heiress, I say; -at least if she be as old _Coupler_ describes her. But come, we have -no time to squander. Knock at the Door. [Lory _knocks two or three -times._] What the Devil, have they got no Ears in this House? Knock -harder. - -_Lo._ I'gad, Sir, this will prove some inchanted Castle; we shall have -the Giant come out by and by with his Club, and beat our Brains out. - - [_Knocks again._ - -_Young Fash._ Hush! they come. - -_From within._] Who is there? - -_Lo._ Open the Door and see: Is that your Country Breeding? - -_Within._ Ay, but two Words to a Bargain: _Tummus_, is the Blunderbuss -prim'd? - -_Young Fash._ Oons, give 'em good Words, _Lory_; we shall be shot here -a Fortune-catching. - -_Lo._ I'gad, Sir, I think y'are in the right on't. Ho, Mr. What -d'ye-call-um.--[_Servant appears at the Window with a Blunderbuss._] -Weal naw, what's yar Business? - -_Young Fash._ Nothing, Sir, but to wait upon Sir _Tunbelly_, with your -leave. - -_Ser._ To weat upon Sir _Tunbelly_? Why, you'll find that's just as Sir -_Tunbelly_ pleases. - -_Young Fash._ But will you do me the Favour, Sir, to know whether Sir -_Tunbelly_ pleases or not? - -_Ser._ Why, look you, do you see, with good Words, much may be done. -_Ralph_, go thy weas, and ask Sir _Tunbelly_ if he pleases to be -waited upon. And, do'st hear? call to Nurse, that she may lock up Miss -_Hoyden_ before the Gates open. - -_Young Fash._ D'ye hear that, _Lory_? - -_Lo._ Ay, Sir, I'm afraid we shall find a difficult Jobb on't. Pray -Heaven that old Rogue _Coupler_ han't sent us to fetch Milk out of the -Gunroom! - -_Young Fash._ I'll warrant thee all will go well: See; the Door opens. - - _Enter Sir ~Tunbelly~, with his Servants arm'd with - Guns, Clubs, Pitchforks, Scythes, ~&c.~_ - -_Lo._ [_Running behind his Master._] O Lord, O Lord, O Lord, we are -both dead Men! - -_Young Fash._ Take heed, Fool, thy Fear will ruin us. - -_Lo._ My Fear, Sir--'Sdeath, Sir, I fear nothing. [_Aside._] Wou'd I -were well up to the Chin in a Horse-Pond! - -Sir _Tun._ Who is it here has any Business with me? - -_Young Fash._ Sir, 'tis I, if your Name be Sir _Tunbelly Clumsey_. - -Sir _Tun._ Sir, my Name is Sir _Tunbelly Clumsey_, whether you have any -Business with me or not. So you see I am not asham'd of my Name--nor my -Face--neither. - -_Young Fash._ Sir, you have no cause, that I know of. - -Sir _Tun._ Sir, if you have no cause neither, I desire to know who -you are; for till I know your Name, I shall not ask you to come into -my House; and when I know your Name--'tis six to four I don't ask you -neither. - -_Young Fash._ [_Giving him a Letter._] Sir, I hope you'll find this -Letter an Authentick Passport. - -Sir _Tun._ God's my life, I ask your Lordship's Pardon ten thousand -times. [_To his Servant._] Here, run in a-doors quickly: Get a -Scotch-Coal Fire in the great Parlour; set all the Turkey-work-Chairs -in their places; get the great Brass Candlesticks out; and be sure -stick the Sockets full of Laurel; run. [_Turning to ~Young Fash~._] My -Lord, I ask your Lordship's pardon. [_To other Servants._] And do you -hear, run away to Nurse, bid her let Miss _Hoyden_ loose again, and if -it was not shifting Day, let her put on a clean Tucker--quick! - - [_Exeunt Servants confusedly._ - -_To_ Young Fash.] I hope your Honour will excuse the disorder of my -Family; we are not us'd to receive Men of your Lordship's great Quality -every day; pray where are your Coaches and Servants, my Lord? - -_Young Fash._ Sir, that I might give you and your fair Daughter a proof -how impatient I am to be nearer akin to you, I left my Equipage to -follow me, and came away Post with only one servant. - -Sir _Tun._ Your Lordship does me too much Honour. It was exposing -your Person to too much Fatigue and Danger, I protest it was; but my -Daughter shall endeavour to make you what amends she can; and tho' I -say it, that shou'd not say it--_Hoyden_ has Charms. - -_Young Fash._ Sir, I am not a Stranger to them, tho' I am to her. -Common Fame has done her Justice. - -Sir _Tun._ My Lord, I am common Fame's very grateful humble Servant. My -Lord----my Girl's young: _Hoyden_ is young, my Lord; but this I must -say for her, what she wants in Art, she has by Nature; what she wants -in Experience, she has in Breeding; and what's wanting in her Age, is -made good in her Constitution. So pray, my Lord, walk in; pray, my -Lord, walk in. - -_Young Fash._ Sir, I wait upon you. - - [_Exeunt._ - - _Miss ~Hoyden~ sola._ - -Sure never no body was us'd as I am. I know well enough what other -Girls do, for all they think to make a Fool of me: It's well I have a -Husband a coming, or I'cod, I'd marry the Baker, I wou'd so. No body -can knock at the Gate, but presently I must be lockt up; and here's the -young Greyhound Bitch can run loose about the House all the day long, -she can; 'tis very well. - - _Nurse ~without~, opening the Door._ - - Miss _Hoyden_! Miss, Miss, Miss! Miss _Hoyden_! - - _Enter ~Nurse~._ - -_Miss._ Well, what do you make such a Noise for, ha! What do you din a -body's Ears for? Can't one be at quiet for you? - -_Nurse._ What do I din your Ears for? Here's one come will din your -Ears for you. - -_Miss._ What care I who's come? I care not a Fig who comes, nor who -goes, as long as I shall be lockt up like the Ale-Cellar. - -_Nurse._ That, Miss, is for fear you shou'd be drank before you are -ripe. - -_Miss._ O, don't you trouble your Head about that; I'm as ripe as you, -tho' not so mellow. - -_Nurse._ Very well; now I have a good mind to lock you up again, and -not let you see my Lord to-night. - -_Miss._ My Lord! Why, is my Husband come? - -_Nurse._ Yes, marry is he, and a goodly Person too. - -_Miss._ [_Hugging Nurse._] O my dear _Nurse_, forgive, me this once, -and I'll never misuse you again; no, if I do, you shall give me three -thumps on the Back, and a great pinch by the Cheek. - -_Nurse._ Ah the poor Thing, see how it melts; it's as full of -Good-Nature as an Egg's full of Meat. - -_Miss._ But, my dear Nurse, don't lie now; is he come, by your troth? - -_Nurse._ Yes, by my truly, is he. - -_Miss._ O Lord! I'll go and put on my lac'd Smock, tho' I am whipt till -the Blood run down my Heels for't. - - [_Exit running._ - -_Nurse._ Eh----the Lord succour thee, how thou art delighted! - - [_Exit after her._ - - _Enter Sir ~Tunbelly~ and ~Young Fashion~. A Servant - with Wine._ - -Sir _Tun._ My Lord, I'm proud of the Honour to see your Lordship within -my Doors: and I humbly crave leave to bid you welcome in a Cup of Sack -Wine. - -_Young Fash._ Sir, to your Daughter's Health. - - [_Drinks._ - -Sir _Tun._ Ah poor Girl, she'll be fear'd out of her Wits on her -Wedding Night; for, honestly speaking, she does not know a Man from a -Woman, but by his Beard, and his Breeches. - -_Young Fash._ Sir, I don't doubt she has had a virtuous Education, -which, with the rest of her Merit, makes me long to see her mine. I -wish you wou'd dispense with the Canonical Hour, and let it be this -very Night. - -Sir _Tun._ O not so soon, neither; that's shooting my Girl before you -bid her stand. No, give her fair warning, we'll sign and seal to-night -if you please; and this Day seven-night--let the Jade look to her -Quarters. - -_Young Fash._ This Day seven-night----Why, what do you take me for a -Ghost, Sir? 'Slife, Sir, I'm made of Flesh and Blood, and Bones and -Sinews, and can no more live a Week without your Daughter--than I can -live a Month with her. - - [_Aside._ - -Sir _Tun._ Oh, I'll warrant you, my Hero; young Men are hot, I know, -but they don't boil over at that rate, neither; besides, my Wench's -Wedding Gown is not come home yet. - -_Young Fash._ O, no matter, Sir; I'll take her in her Shift. [_Aside._] -A Pox of this old Fellow, he'll delay the Business till my damn'd Star -finds me out, and discovers me. [_To Sir ~Tun.~_] Pray, Sir, let it be -done without Ceremony; 'twill save Money. - -Sir _Tun._ Money----Save Money when _Hoyden_'s to be marry'd? Udswoons, -I'll give my Wench a Wedding-Dinner, tho' I go to Grass with the King -of _Assyria_ for't; and such a Dinner it shall be, as is not to be -cook'd in the poaching of an Egg. Therefore, my Noble Lord, have a -little Patience, we'll go and look over our Deeds and Settlements -immediately; and as for your Bride, tho' you may be sharp-set before -she's quite ready, I'll engage for my Girl, she stays your Stomach at -last. - - [_Exeunt._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ IV. +SCENE+ I. - - - _Enter Miss ~Hoyden~ and ~Nurse~._ - -_Nurse._ Well, Miss, how do you like your Husband that is to be? - -_Miss._ O Lord, Nurse, I'm so overjoy'd, I can scarce contain myself. - -_Nurse._ O, but you must have a care of being too fond; for Men now -a-days hate a Woman that loves 'em. - -_Miss._ Love him! Why do you think I love him, Nurse? I'cod, I -would not care if he were hang'd, so I were but once married to -him----No----that which pleases me, is to think what Work I'll make -when I get to _London_; for when I am a Wife and a Lady both, Nurse, -I'cod, I'll flant it with the best of 'em. - -_Nurse._ Look, look, if his Honour be not a coming to you; now if I -were sure you wou'd behave yourself handsomely, and not disgrace me -that have brought you up, I'd leave you alone together. - -_Miss._ That's my best Nurse, do as you wou'd be done by; trust us -together this once; and if I don't shew my Breeding from the Head to -the Foot of me, may I be twice married, and die a Maid! - -_Nurse._ Well, this once I'll venture you; but if you disparage me---- - -_Miss._ Never fear, I'll shew him my Parts, I'll warrant him. - - [_Exit ~Nurse~._ - - _Sola._ - -These old Women are so wise when they get a poor Girl into their -Clutches; but ere it be long, I shall know what's what, as well as the -best of 'em. - - _Enter ~Young Fashion~._ - -_Young Fash._ Your Servant, Madam, I'm glad to find you alone; for I -have something of Importance to speak to you about. - -_Miss._ Sir, (my Lord, I meant) you may speak to me about what you -please, I shall give you a civil Answer. - -_Young Fash._ You give me so obliging a one, it encourages me to tell -you in few Words, what I think both for your Interest and mine. Your -Father, I suppose you know, has resolv'd to make me happy in being your -Husband, and I hope I may depend upon your Consent, to perform what he -desires. - -_Miss._ Sir, I never disobey my Father in any thing but eating of green -Gooseberries. - -_Young Fash._ So good a Daughter must needs be an admirable Wife; I -am therefore impatient till you are mine, and hope you will so far -consider the Violence of my Love, that you won't have the Cruelty to -defer my Happiness so long as your Father designs it. - -_Miss._ Pray, my Lord, how long is it? - -_Young Fash._ Madam, a thousand Year----a whole Week. - -_Miss._ A Week!----why, I shall be an old Woman by that time. - -_Young Fash._ And I an old Man, which you'll find a greater Misfortune -than t'other. - -_Miss._ Why I thought it was to be to-morrow Morning, as soon as I was -up; I'm sure Nurse told me so. - -_Young Fash._ And it shall be to-morrow Morning still, if you'll -consent. - -_Miss._ If I'll consent! Why I thought I was to obey you as my Husband. - -_Young Fash._ That's when we are married; till then, I am to obey you. - -_Miss._ Why then if we are to take it by turns, it's the same thing: -I'll obey you now, and when we are married, you shall obey me. - -_Young Fash._ With all my heart; but I doubt we must get Nurse on our -side, or we shall hardly prevail with the Chaplain. - -_Miss._ No more we shan't indeed, for he loves her better than he loves -his Pulpit, and wou'd always be a preaching to her, by his good Will. - -_Young Fash._ Why then, my dear little Bedfellow, if you'll call her -hither, we'll try to persuade her presently. - -_Miss._ O Lord, I can tell you a way how to persuade her to any thing. - -_Young Fash._ How's that? - -_Miss._ Why tell her she's a wholesome, comely Woman----and give her -Half a Crown. - -_Young Fash._ Nay, if that will do, she shall have half a score of 'em. - -_Miss._ O Gemini, for half that she'd marry you herself: I'll run and -call her. - - [_Exit ~Miss~._ - - _~Young Fashion~ solus._ - -So, Matters go swimmingly; this is a rare Girl, i'faith; I shall have -a fine time of it with her at _London_. I'm much mistaken if she don't -prove a _March_ Hare all the Year round. What a scampering Chace will -she make on't, when me finds the whole Kennel of Beaux at her Tail! Hey -to the _Park_ and the Play, and the Church, and the Devil; she'll shew -them sport, I'll warrant 'em. But no matter, she brings an Estate will -afford me a separate Maintenance. - - _Enter ~Miss~ and ~Nurse~._ - -_Young Fash._ How do you do, good Mistress Nurse? I desir'd your young -Lady would give me leave to see you, that I might thank you for your -extraordinary Care and Conduct in her Education; pray accept of this -small Acknowledgement for it at present, and depend upon my farther -Kindness, when I shall be that happy thing her Husband. - -_Nurse._ [_Aside._] Gold by mackins! Your Honour's Goodness is too -great: alas! all I can boast of is, I gave her poor good Milk, and so -your Honour wou'd have said, an you had seen how the poor thing suck't -it----Eh, God's blessing on the sweet Face on't! how it us'd to hang -at this poor Teat, and suck and squeeze, and kick and sprawl it wou'd, -till the Belly on't was so full, it wou'd drop off like a Leech. - - [_~Miss~ to ~Nurse~, taking her angrily aside._ - -Pray one word with you; pr'ythee, Nurse, don't stand ripping up old -Stories, to make one asham'd before one's Love: do you think such -a fine proper Gentleman as he is, cares for a fiddlecome Tale of a -draggle-tail'd Girl;, if you have a mind to make him have a good -Opinion of a Woman, don't tell him what one did then, tell him what -one can do now. [_To_ Young Fash.] I hope your Honour will excuse my -Mismanners to whisper before you, it was only to give some orders about -the Family. - -_Young Fash._ O every thing, Madam, is to give way to Business; -besides, good Housewifery is a very commendable Quality in a young Lady. - -_Miss._ Pray, Sir, are the young Ladies good Housewives at London Town? -Do they darn their own Linen? - -_Young Fash._ O no, they study how to spend Money, not to save it. - -_Miss._ I'cod, I don't know but that may be better Sport than t'other, -ha, Nurse! - -_Young Fash._ Well, you shall have your Choice when you come there. - -_Miss._ Shall I----then by my troth I'll get there as fast as I can. - -_To Nurse._] His Honour desires you'll be so kind, as to let us be -marry'd to-morrow. - -_Nurse._ To-morrow, my dear Madam? - -_Young Fash._ Yes, to-morrow, sweet Nurse, privately; young Folks, you -know, are impatient, and Sir _Tunbelly_ wou'd make us stay a Week for -a Wedding-Dinner. Now all things being sign'd and seal'd, and agreed, -I fancy there cou'd be no great harm in practising a Scene or two of -Matrimony in private, if it were only to give us the better Assurance -when we come to play it in publick. - -_Nurse._ Nay, I must confess stolen Pleasures are sweet; but if you -shou'd be married now, what will you do when Sir _Tunbelly_ calls for -you to be wedded? - -_Miss._ Why then we will be married again. - -_Nurse._ What, twice, my Child? - -_Miss._ I'cod, I don't care how often I'm married, not I. - -_Young Fash._ Pray, Nurse, don't you be against your young Lady's good; -for by this means she'll have the pleasure of two Wedding-Days. - -_Miss to Nurse softly._] And of two Wedding-Nights too, Nurse. - -_Nurse._ Well, I'm such a tender-hearted Fool, I find I can refuse you -nothing; so you shall e'en follow your own Inventions. - -_Miss._ Shall I? [_Aside._] O Lord, I could leap over the Moon. - -_Young Fash._ Dear Nurse, this Goodness of yours shan't go unrewarded; -but now you must employ your Power with Mr. _Bull_ the Chaplain, that -he may do his friendly Office too, and then we shall be all happy; do -you think you can prevail with him? - -_Nurse._ Prevail with him----or he shall never prevail with me, I can -tell him that. - -_Miss._ My Lord, she has had him upon the hip this seven Year. - -_Young Fash._ I'm glad to hear it; however, to strengthen your Interest -with him, you may let him know I have several fat Livings in my Gift, -and that the first that falls shall be in your Disposal. - -_Nurse._ Nay, then I'll make him marry more Folks, than one, I'll -promise him. - -_Miss._ Faith, do, Nurse, make him marry you too; I'm sure he'll do't -for a fat Living; for he loves Eating more than he loves his _Bible_; -and I have often heard, him say, a fat Living was the best Meat in the -World. - -_Nurse._ Ay, and I'll make him commend the Sauce too, or I'll bring his -Gown to a Cassock, I will so. - -_Young Fash._ Well, Nurse, whilst you go and settle Matters with him, -your Lady and I will go and take a walk in the Garden. - -_Nurse._ I'll do your Honour's Business in the catching up of a Garter. - - [_Exit ~Nurse~._ - -_Young Fash._ [_Giving her his Hand._] Come, Madam, dare you venture -yourself alone with me? - -_Miss._ O dear, yes, Sir; I don't think you'll do any thing to me I -need be afraid on. - - _Enter ~Amanda~ and ~Berinthia~._ - - A SONG. - - I. - - _I Smile at Love, and all its Arts, - The Charming_ Cynthia _cry'd; - Take heed, for Love has piercing Darts, - A wounded Swain reply'd. - Once free and blest as you are now, - I trifled with his Charms; - I pointed at his little Bow, - And sported with his Arms; - Till urg'd too far, Revenge he cries, - A fated Shaft he drew; - It took its passage thro your Eyes, - And to my Heart it flew._ - - II. - - _To tear it thence I try'd in vain; - To strive I quickly found - Was only to increase the Pain, - And to enlarge the Wound. - Ah! much too well, I fear, you know - What pain I'm to endure, - Since what your Eyes alone cou'd do, - Your Heart alone can cure. - And That (grant Heaven I may mistake) - I doubt is doom'd to bear - A Burden for another's sake, - Who ill rewards its Care._ - -_Aman._ Well, now, _Berinthia_, I'm at leisure to hear what 'twas you -had to say to me. - -_Ber._ What I had to say, was only to echo the Sighs and Groans of a -dying Lover. - -_Aman._ Phu, will you never learn to talk in earnest of any thing? - -_Ber._ Why this shall be in earnest, if you please; for my part, I only -tell you Matter of Fact--you may take it which way you like best; but -if you'll follow the Women of the Town, you'll take it both ways; for -when a Man offers himself to one of them, first she takes him in jest, -and then she takes him in earnest. - -_Aman._ I'm sure there's so much jest and earnest in what you say to -me, I scarce know how to take it; but I think you have bewitched me, -for I don't find it possible to be angry with you, say what you will. - -_Ber._ I'm very glad to hear it, for I have no mind to quarrel with -you, for some Reasons that I'll not brag of; but quarrel or not, smile -or frown, I must tell you what I have suffer'd upon your account. - -_Aman._ Upon my account! - -_Ber._ Yes, upon yours; I have been forc'd to sit still and hear you -commended for two Hours together, without one Compliment to myself; now -don't you think a Woman has a blessed time of that? - -_Aman._ Alas! I shou'd have been unconcern'd at it; I never knew where -the Pleasure lay of being prais'd by the Men: but pray who was this -that commended me so? - -_Ber._ One you have a mortal Aversion to--Mr. _Worthy_: he us'd you -like a Text, he took you all to pieces, but spoke so learnedly upon -every Point, one might see the Spirit of the Church was in him: if you -are a Woman, you'd have been in an Extasy to have heard how feelingly -he handled your Hair, your Eyes, your Nose, your Mouth, your Teeth, -your Tongue, your Chin, your Neck, and so forth. Thus he preach'd for -an Hour; but when he came to use an Application, he observ'd that all -these, without a Gallant, were nothing--Now consider of what has been -said, and Heaven give you Grace to put it in practice! - -_Aman._ Alas! _Berinthia_, did I incline to a Gallant, (which you -know I do not) do you think a Man so nice as he, cou'd have the least -concern for such a plain unpolish'd thing as I am? It is impossible! - -_Ber._ Now have you a great mind to put me upon commending you. - -_Aman._ Indeed that was not my Design. - -_Ber._ Nay, if it were, it's all one, for I won't do't, I'll leave that -to your Looking-glass. But to shew you I have some Good-nature left, -I'll commend him, and may be that may do as well. - -_Aman._ You have a great mind to persuade me I am in love with him. - -_Ber._ I have a great mind to persuade you, you don't know what you are -in love with. - -_Aman._ I am sure I am not in love with him, nor never shall be; so let -that pass: but you were saying something you wou'd commend him for. - -_Ber._ O, you'd be glad to hear a good Character of him, however. - -_Aman._ Psha. - -_Ber._ Psha----Well, 'tis a foolish Undertaking for Women in these kind -of Matters, to pretend to deceive one another----Have not I been bred a -Woman as well as you? - -_Aman._ What then? - -_Ber._ Why then I understand my Trade so well, that whenever I am told -of a Man I like, I cry, Psha! But that I may spare you the pains of -putting me a second time in mind to commend him, I'll proceed, and give -you this account of him: That tho' 'tis possible he may have had Women -with as good Faces as your Ladyship's, (no Discredit to it neither) -yet you must know your cautious Behaviour, with that Reserve in your -Humour, has given him his Death's Wound; he mortally hates a Coquette; -he says 'tis impossible to love where he cannot esteem; and that no -Woman can be esteemed by a Man who has Sense, if she makes herself -cheap in the Eye of a Fool. That Pride to a Woman, is as necessary as -Humility to a Divine; and that far-fetch'd, and dear bought, is Meat -for Gentlemen, as well as for Ladies----In short, that every Woman who -has Beauty may set a price upon herself, and that by under-selling the -Market they ruin the Trade. This is his Doctrine, how do you like it? - -_Aman._ So well that, since I never intend to have a Gallant for -myself, if I were to recommend one to a Friend, he shou'd be the Man. - - _Enter ~Worthy~._ - -Bless me, he's here! pray Heaven he did not hear me! - -_Ber._ If he did, it won't hurt your Reputation; your Thoughts are as -safe in his Heart as in your own. - -_Wor._ I venture in at an unseasonable time of Night, Ladies; I hope if -I am troublesome, you'll use the same freedom in turning me out again. - -_Aman._ I believe it can't be late, for Mr. _Loveless_ is not come home -yet, and he usually keeps good Hours. - -_Wor._ Madam, I'm afraid he'll transgress a little to-night; for he -told me about half an Hour ago, he was going to sup with some Company, -he doubted would keep him out till three or four o'clock in the -Morning, and desir'd I would let my Servant acquaint you with it, that -you might not expect him: But my Fellow's a Blunder-head; so, lest he -should make some mistake, I thought it my Duty to deliver the Message -myself. - -_Aman._ I'm very sorry he shou'd give you that trouble, Sir: But---- - -_Ber._ But since he has, will you give me leave, Madam, to keep him to -play at Ombre with us? - -_Aman._ Cousin, you know you command my House. - -_Wor. to Ber._] And, Madam, you know you command me, tho' I'm a very -wretched Gamester. - -_Ber._ O you play well enough to lose your Money, and that's all the -Ladies require; so without any more Ceremony, let us go into the next -Room and call for the Cards. - -_Aman._ With all my heart. - - [_Exit ~Wor~. leading ~Aman~._ - -_Ber. sola._ Well, how this Business will end, Heaven knows; but she -seems to me to be in as fair a way----as a Boy is to be a Rogue, when -he's put Clerk to an Attorney. - - [_Exit ~Berinthia~._ - - -+SCENE+, Berinthia's _Chamber_. - - _Enter ~Loveless~ cautiously in the dark._ - -_Lov._ So, thus for all's well. I'm got into her Bed-Chamber, and I -think nobody has perceiv'd me steal into the House; my Wife don't -expect me home till four o'Clock; so if _Berinthia_ comes to Bed by -eleven, I shall have a Chace of five Hours. Let me see, where shall I -hide myself? Under her Bed? No; we shall have her Maid searching there -for something or other; her Closet's a better place, and I have a -Master-Key will open it: I'll e'en in there, and attack her just when -she comes to her Prayers, that's the most like to prove her critical -Minute; for then the Devil will be there to assist me. - - [_He opens the Closet, goes in, and shuts the door after him._ - - _Enter ~Berinthia~ with a Candle in her hand._ - -_Ber._ Well, sure I am the best-natur'd Woman in the World. I that love -Cards so well (there is but one thing upon the Earth I love better) -have pretended Letters to write, to give my Friends a _Tête-à-Tête_; -however, I'm innocent, for Picquet is the Game I set 'em to: at her -own peril be it, if she ventures to play with him at any other. But -now what shall I do with myself? I don't know how in the World to pass -my time; wou'd _Loveless_ were here to _badiner_ a little! Well, he's -a charming Fellow, I don't wonder his Wife's so fond of him. What if -I shou'd set down and think of him till I fall asleep, and dream of -the Lord knows what? O, but then if I shou'd dream we were married, I -shou'd be frighted out of my Wits. [_Seeing a Book._] What's this Book? -I think I had best go read. _O Splenetique!_ 'tis a Sermon. Well, I'll -go into my Closet, and read the _Plotting Sisters_. [_She opens the -Closet, sees ~Loveless~, and shrieks out._] O Lord, a Ghost, a Ghost, a -Ghost, a Ghost! - - _Enter ~Loveless~ running to her._ - -_Lov._ Peace, my Dear; it's no Ghost, take it in your Arms, you'll find -'tis worth a hundred of 'em. - -_Ber._ Run in again; here's somebody coming. - - _Enter Maid._ - -_Maid._ O Lord, Madam, what's the matter? - -_Ber._ O Heav'ns! I'm almost frighted out of my Wits. I thought verily -I had seen a Ghost, and 'twas nothing but the white Curtain, with -a black Hood pinn'd up against it; you may be gone again, I am the -fearfullest Fool.-- - - [_Exit Maid._ - - _Re-enter ~Loveless~._ - -_Lov._ Is the Coast clear? - -_Ber._ The Coast clear! I suppose you are clear, you'd never play such -a Trick as this else. - -_Lov._ I am very well pleas'd with my Trick thus far, and shall be so -till I have play'd it out, if it ben't your Fault: where's my Wife? - -_Ber._ At Cards. - -_Lov._ With whom? - -_Ber._ With _Worthy_. - -_Lov._ Then we are safe enough. - -_Ber._ You are so! Some Husbands wou'd be of another mind, if he were -at Cards with their Wives. - -_Lov._ And they'd be in the right on't too. But I dare trust -mine:----Besides, I know he's in love in another place, and he's not -one of those who court half a dozen at a time. - -_Ber._ Nay, the truth on't is, you'd pity him if you saw how uneasy he -is at being engag'd with us; but 'twas my Malice. I fancy'd he was to -meet his Mistress some where else, so did it to have the pleasure of -seeing him fret. - -_Lov._ What says _Amanda_ to my staying abroad so late? - -_Ber._ Why she's as much out of Humour as he, I believe they wish one -another at the Devil. - -_Lov._ Then I'm afraid they'll quarrel at Play, and soon throw up the -Cards: [_Offering in pull her into her Closet._] Therefore, my dear -charming Angel, let us make good use of our time. - -_Ber._ Heavens! what do you mean? - -_Lov._ Pray what do you think I mean? - -_Ber._ I don't know. - -_Lov._ I'll shew you. - -_Ber._ You may as well tell me. - -_Lov._ No, that wou'd make you blush worse than t'other. - -_Ber._ Why, do you intend to make me blush? - -_Lov._ Faith, I can't tell that; but if I do, it shall be in the dark. - - [_Pulling her._ - -_Ber._ O Heavens! I wou'd not be in the dark with you for all the World. - -_Lov._ I'll try that. - - [_Puts out the Candles._ - -_Ber._ O Lord! are you mad! What shall I do for Light? - -_Lov._ You'll do as well without it. - -_Ber._ Why, one can't find a Chair to sit down? - -_Lov._ Come into the Closet, Madam, there's Moonshine upon the Couch. - -_Ber._ Nay, never pull, for I will not go. - -_Lov._ Then you must be carried. - - [_Carrying her._ - -_Ber._ Help, help, I'm ravish'd, ruin'd, undone. O Lord, I shall never -be able to bear it. - - [_Very softly._ - - -+SCENE+, _Sir ~Tunbelly~'s House_. - - _Enter Miss ~Hoyden~, Nurse, ~Young Fashion~, and ~Bull~._ - -_Young Fash._ This quick dispatch of yours, Mr. _Bull_, I take so -kindly, it shall give you a claim to my Favour as long as I live, I do -assure you. - -_Miss._ And to mine too, I promise you. - -_Bull._ I most humbly thank your Honours; and I hope, since it has -been my Lot to join you in the holy Bands of Wedlock, you will so -well cultivate the Soil which I have crav'd a Blessing on, that your -Children may swarm about you like Bees about a Honey-Comb. - -_Miss._ I'cod with all my Heart, the more the merrier, I say; ha, Nurse. - - _Enter ~Lory~, taking his Master hastily aside._ - -_Lo._ One Word with you, for Heaven's sake. - -_Young Fash._ What the Devil's the matter? - -_Lo._ Sir, your Fortune's ruin'd, and I don't think your Life's worth -a quarter of an Hour's Purchase: Yonder's your Brother arriv'd with -two Coaches and six Horses, twenty Footmen and Pages, a Coat worth -fourscore Pound, and a Perriwig down to his Knees: So judge what will -become of your Lady's Heart. - -_Young Fash._ Death and Furies! 'tis impossible. - -_Lo._ Fiends and Spectres! Sir, 'tis true. - -_Young Fash._ Is he in the House yet? - -_Lo._ No, they are capitulating with him at the Gate; the Porter tells -him, he's come to run away with _Miss Hoyden_, and has cock'd the -Blunderbuss at him; your Brother swears Gad Damme, they are a parcel -of Clawns, and he had a good mind to break off the Match; but they -have given the Word for Sir _Tunbelly_, so I doubt all will come out -presently. Pray, Sir, resolve what you'll do this Moment, for I'gad -they'll maul you. - -_Young Fash._ Stay a little. [_To Miss._] My Dear, here's a troublesome -Business my Man tells me of; but don't be frighten'd, we shall be too -hard for the Rogue. Here's an impudent Fellow at the Gate (not knowing -I was come hither _incognito_) has taken my Name upon him, in hopes to -run away with you. - -_Miss._ O the Brazen-fac'd Varlet, it's well we are married, or may be -we might never have been so. - -_Young Fash._ [_Aside._] I'gad, like enough: Pr'ythee, dear Doctor, run -to Sir _Tunbelly_, and stop him from going to the Gate, before I speak -with him. - -_Bull._ I fly, my good Lord---- - - [_Exit ~Bull~._ - -_Nurse._ An't please your Honour, my Lady and I had best lock ourselves -up till the Danger be over. - -_Young Fash._ Ay, by all means. - -_Miss._ Not so fast, I won't be lock'd up any more. I'm marry'd. - -_Young Fash._ Yes, pray my Dear do, till we have seiz'd this Rascal. - -_Miss._ Nay, if you pray me, I'll do any thing. - - [_Exeunt ~Miss~ and ~Nurse~._ - -_Young Fash._ O! here's Sir _Tunbelly_ coming. [_To_ Lo.] Hark you, -Sirrah, things are better than you imagine; the Wedding's over. - -_Lo._ The Devil it is, Sir. - -_Young Fash._ Not a Word, all's safe: But Sir _Tunbelly_ don't know it, -nor must not yet; so I am resolv'd to brazen the Business out, and have -the Pleasure of turning the Impostor upon his Lordship, which I believe -may easily be done. - - _Enter Sir ~Tunbelly~, ~Chap.~ and ~Servants~ arm'd._ - -_Young Fash._ Did you ever hear, Sir, of so impudent an Undertaking? - -Sir _Tun._ Never, by the Mass, but we'll tickle him, I'll warrant him. - -_Young Fash._ They tell me, Sir, he has a great many People with him -disguis'd like Servants. - -Sir _Tun._ Ay, ay, Rogues enow; but I'll soon raise the Posse upon 'em. - -_Young Fash._ Sir, if you'll take my Advice, we'll go a shorter way -to work; I find, whoever this Spark is, he knows nothing of my being -privately here; so if you pretend to receive him civilly, he'll enter -without Suspicion; and as soon as he is within the Gate, we'll whip up -the Drawbridge upon his Back, let fly the Blunderbuss to disperse the -Crew, and so commit him to Gaol. - -Sir _Tun._ I'gad, your Lordship is an ingenious Person, and a very -great General; but shall we kill any of 'em, or not? - -_Young Fash._ No, no, fire over their Heads only to fright them; I'll -warrant the Regiment scours when the Colonel's a Prisoner. - -Sir _Tun._ Then come along, my Boys, and let your Courage be -great----for your Danger is but small. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _The Gate._ - - _Enter Lord ~Foppington~ and ~Followers~._ - -_Lord Fop._ A Pax of these Bumkinly People, will they open the Gate, or -do they desire I shou'd grow at their Moat-side like a Willow? [_To the -Porter._] Hey, Fellow--Pr'ythee do me the Favour, in as few words as -thou canst find to express thyself, to tell me whether thy Master will -admit me or not, that I may turn about my Coach, and be gone. - -_Por._ Here's my Master himself now at hand, he's of Age, he'll give -you his Answer. - - _Enter Sir ~Tunbelly~, and his Servants._ - -Sir _Tun._ My most noble Lord, I crave your pardon for making your -Honour wait so long; but my Orders to my servants have been to admit no -body without my Knowledge, for fear of some Attempts upon my Daughter, -the Times being full of Plots and Roguery. - -_Lord Fop._ Much Caution, I must confess, is a Sign of great Wisdom: -But, stap my Vitals, I have got a Cold enough to destroy a Porter--He, -hem-- - -Sir _Tun._ I am very sorry for't, indeed, my Lord; but if your Lordship -please to walk in, we'll help you to some brown Sugar-Candy. My Lord, -I'll shew you the way. - -_Lord Fop._ Sir, I follow you with pleasure. - - [_Exeunt._ - - [_As Lord ~Foppington~'s Servants go to follow him - in, they clap the Door against ~La Varole~._ - -_Servants within._ Nay, hold you me there, Sir. - -_La Var._ _Jernie, qu'est ce que veut dire ça?_ - -Sir _Tun._ [_Within._]----Fire, Porter. - -_Porter fires._----Have among you, my Masters. - -_La Var._ _Ah je suis mort_-- - - [_The servants all run off._ - -_Port._ Not one Soldier left, by the Mass. - - -+SCENE+ _changes into a Hall._ - - _Enter Sir ~Tunbelly~, the ~Chaplain~ and ~Servants~, with - Lord ~Foppington~ disarm'd._ - -Sir _Tun._ Come, bring him along, bring him along. - -_Lord Fop._ What the Pax do you mean, Gentlemen, is it Fair time, that -you are all drunk before Dinner? - -Sir _Tun._ Drunk, Sirrah! Here's an impudent Rogue for you! Drunk or -Sober, Bully, I'm a Justice of the Peace, and know how to deal with -Strolers. - -_Lord Fop._ Strolers! - -Sir _Tun._ Ay, Strolers; come, give an account of yourself; what's -your Name? where do you live? Do you pay Scot and Lot? Are you a -_Williamite_, or a _Jacobite_? Come. - -_Lord Fop._ And why dost thou ask me so many impertinent Questions? - -Sir _Tun._ Because I'll make you answer 'em before I have done with -you, you Rascal you. - -_Lord Fop._ Before Gad, all the Answer I can make thee to 'em, is, that -thou art a very extraordinary old Fellow; stap my Vitals-- - -Sir _Tun._ Nay, if you are for joaking with Deputy-Lieutenants, we know -how to deal with you: Here, draw a Warrant for him immediately. - -_Lord Fop._ A Warrant----what the Devil is't thou wou'dst be at, old -Gentleman? - -Sir _Tun._ I wou'd be at you, Sirrah, (if my Hands were not ty'd as a -Magistrate) and with these two double Fists beat your Teeth down your -Throat, you Dog you. - -_Lord Fop._ And why would'st thou spoil my Face at that rate? - -Sir _Tun._ For your Design to rob me of my Daughter, Villain. - -_Lord Fop._ Rab thee of thy Daughter----Now I do begin to believe I am -a-bed and a-sleep, and that all this is but a Dream--If it be, 'twill -be an agreeable Surprize enough, to waken by and by; and instead of the -impertinent Company of a nasty Country Justice, find my self perhaps in -the Arms of a Woman of Quality--[_To Sir ~Tun.~_] Pr'ythee, old Father, -wilt thou give me leave to ask thee one Question? - -Sir _Tun._ I can't tell whether I will or not, till I know what it is. - -_Lord Fop._ Why, then, it is, whether thou didst not write to my Lord -_Foppington_ to come down and marry thy Daughter? - -Sir _Tun._ Yes, marry did I, and my Lord _Foppington_ is come down, and -shall marry my Daughter before she's a Day older. - -_Lord Fop._ Now give me thy Hand, dear Dad, I thought we should -understand one another at last. - -Sir _Tun._ This Fellow's mad----here bind him Hand and Foot. - - [_They bind him down._ - -_Lord Fop._ Nay, pr'ythee, Knight, leave fooling, thy Jest begins to -grow dull. - -Sir _Tun._ Bind him, I say, he's mad----Bread and Water, a dark Room, -and a Whip, may bring him to his Senses again. - -_Lord Fop._ [_Aside._] I'gad, if I don't waken quickly, by all that I -can see, this is like to prove one of the most impertinent Dreams that -ever I dreamt in my Life. - - _Enter ~Miss~ and ~Nurse~._ [_~Miss~ going up to him._] - -_Miss._ Is this he that wou'd have run away with me? Fough, how -he stinks of sweets! Pray, Father, let him be dragg'd through the -Horse-Pond. - -_Lord Fop._ [_Aside._] This must be my Wife by her natural Inclination -to her Husband. - -_Miss._ Pray, Father, what do you intend to do with him? hang him? - -Sir _Tun._ That at least, Child. - -_Nurse._ Ay, and it's e'en too good for him too. - -_Lord Fop._ [_Aside._] _Madame la Governante_, I presume, hitherto this -appears to me to be one of the most extraordinary Families that ever -Man of Quality match'd into. - -Sir _Tun._ What's become of my Lord, Daughter? - -_Miss._ He's just coming, Sir. - -_Lord Fop._ [_Aside._] My Lord----What does he mean by that now? - - _Enter ~Young Fashion~ and ~Lory~._ - -_Seeing him._] Stap my Vitals, _Tam_, now the Dream's out. - -_Young Fash._ Is this the Fellow, Sir, that design'd to trick me of -your Daughter? - -Sir _Tun._ This is he, my Lord, how do you like him? Is not he a pretty -Fellow to get a Fortune? - -_Young Fash._ I find by his Dress, he thought your Daughter might be -taken with a Beau. - -_Miss._ O Gemini! Is this a Beau? let me see him again----ha! I find a -Beau is no such ugly thing neither. - -_Young Fash._ I'gad, she'll be in love with him presently; I'll e'en -have him sent away to Gaol. [_To_ Lord Fop.] Sir, tho' your Undertaking -shews you are a Person of no extraordinary Modesty, I suppose you han't -Confidence enough to expect much Favour from me. - -_Lord Fop._ Strike me dumb, _Tam_, thou art a very impudent Fellow. - -_Nurse._ Look if the Varlet has not the Frontery to call his Lordship -plain _Thomas_. - -_Bull._ The business is, he wou'd feign himself mad, to avoid going to -Gaol. - -_Lord Fop._ [_Aside._] That must be the Chaplain, by his unfolding of -Mysteries. - -Sir _Tun._ Come, is the Warrant writ? - -_Cler._ Yes, Sir. - -Sir _Tun._ Give me the Pen, I'll sign it----So now, Constable, away -with him. - -_Lord Fop._ Hold one Moment----Pray, Gentlemen; my Lord _Foppington_, -shall I beg one Word with your Lordship? - -_Nurse._ O ho, it's my Lord with him now; see how Afflictions will -humble Folks. - -_Miss._ Pray, my Lord, don't let him whisper too close, lest he bite -your Ear off. - -_Lord Fop._. I am not altogether so hungry, as your Ladyship is pleased -to imagine. [_To_ Young Fash.] Look you, _Tam_, I am sensible I have -not been so kind to you as I ought, but I hope you'll forget what's -past, and accept of the five thousand Pounds I offer; thou may'st live -in extreme Splendor with it; stap my Vitals. - -_Young Fash._ It's a much easier matter to prevent a Disease than to -cure it; a quarter of that Sum would have secur'd your Mistress; twice -as much won't redeem her. - - [_Leaving him._ - -Sir _Tun._ Well, what says he? - -_Young Fash._ Only the Rascal offer'd me a Bribe to let him go. - -Sir _Tun._ Ay, he shall go, with a Pox to him: Lead on, Constable. - -_Lord Fop._. One word more, and I've done. - -Sir _Tun._ Before Gad, thou art an impudent Fellow, to trouble the -Court at this rate, after thou art condemned; but speak once for all. - -_Lord Fop._ Why then once for all; I have at last luckily call'd to -mind, that there is a Gentleman of this Country, who I believe cannot -live far from this place, if he were here, would satisfy you, I am -_Novelty_, Baron of _Foppington_, with five thousand Pounds a year, -and that Fellow there a Rascal, not worth a Groat. - -Sir _Tun._ Very well; now who is this honest Gentleman you are so well -acquainted with. [_To_ Young Fash.] Come, Sir, we shall hamper him. - -_Lord Fop._ 'Tis Sir _John Friendly_. - -Sir _Tun._ So, he lives within half a Mile, and came down into the -Country but last Night; this bold-fac'd Fellow thought he had been at -_London_ still, and so quoted him; now we shall display him in his -Colours: I'll send for Sir _John_ immediately. Here, Fellow, away -presently; and desire my Neighbour he'll do me the favour to step over, -upon an extraordinary Occasion; and in the mean while you had best -secure this Sharper in the _Gate-House_. - -_Const._ An't please your Worship, he may chance to give us the Slip -thence: If I were worthy to advise, I think the Dog-kennel's a surer -Place. - -Sir _Tun._ With all my heart, anywhere. - -_Lord Fop._ Nay, for Heaven's sake, Sir, do me the favour to put me in -a clean Room, that I mayn't daub my Clothes. - -Sir _Tun._ O when you have married my Daughter, her Estate will afford -you new ones: Away with him. - -_Lord Fop._ A dirty Country Justice is a barbarous Magistrate, stap my -Vitals---- - - [_Exit Constable with Lord ~Foppington~._ - -_Young Fash._ [_Aside._] I gad I must prevent this Knight's coming, or -the House will grow soon too hot to hold me. - -_To_ Sir _Tun._] Sir, I fancy 'tis not worth while to trouble Sir -_John_ upon this impertinent Fellow's Desire: I'll send and call the -Messenger back---- - -Sir _Tun._ Nay, with all my heart; for to be sure he thought he was far -enough off, or the Rogue wou'd never have nam'd him. - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Serv._ Sir, I met Sir _John_ just lighting at the Gate; he's come to -wait upon you. - -Sir _Tun._ Nay, then it happens as one cou'd wish. - -_Young Fash._ [_Aside._] The Devil it does! _Lory_, you see how things -are, here will be a Discovery presently, and we shall have our Brains -beat out: For my Brother will be sure to swear he don't know me: -Therefore run into the Stable, take the two first Horses you can light -on, I'll slip out at the Back-Door, and we'll away immediately. - -_Lo._ What, and leave your Lady, Sir? - -_Young Fash._ There's no Danger in that, as long as I have taken -possession; I shall know how to treat with them well enough, if once I -am out of their reach. Away, I'll steal after thee. - - [_Exit ~Lory~, his Master follows - him out at one Door, as Sir ~John~ enters at t'other._ - - _Enter Sir ~John~._ - -Sir _Tun._ Sir _John_, you are the welcom'st Man alive; I had just -sent a Messenger to desire you'd step over, upon a very extraordinary -Occasion--we are all in Arms here. - -Sir _John._ How so? - -Sir _Tun._ Why, you must know----a sinical sort of a tawdry Fellow -here (I don't know who the Devil he is, not I) hearing, I suppose, -that the Match was concluded between my Lord _Foppington_ and my Girl -_Hoyden_, comes impudently to the Gate, and with a whole Pack of Rogues -in Liveries, wou'd have pass'd upon me for his Lordship: But what does -I? I comes up to him boldly at the Head of his Guards, takes him by the -Throat, strikes up his Heels, binds him Hand and Foot, dispatches a -Warrant, and commits him Prisoner to the Dog-kennel. - -Sir _John._ So, but how do you know but this was my Lord? for I was -told he set out from _London_ the Day before me, with a very fine -Retinue, and intended to come directly hither. - -Sir _Tun._ Why now to shew you how many Lies People raise in that -damn'd Town, he came two Nights ago Post, with only one Servant, and is -now in the House with me: But you don't know the Cream of the Jest yet; -this same Rogue, (that lies yonder Neck and Heels among the Hounds) -thinking you were out of the Country, quotes you for his Acquaintance, -and said, if you were here, you'd justify him to be Lord _Foppington_, -and I know not what. - -Sir _John._ Pray will you let me see him? - -Sir _Tun._ Ay, that you shall presently----here, fetch the Prisoner. - - [_Exit Servant._ - -Sir _John._ I wish there ben't some Mistake in the Business, where's my -Lord? I know him very well. - -Sir _Tun._ He was here just now; see for him, Doctor, tell him Sir -_John_ is here to wait upon him. - - [_Ex. Chaplain._ - -Sir _John._ I hope, Sir _Tunbelly_, the young Lady is not married yet. - -Sir _Tun._ No, things won't be ready this Week; but why do you say, you -hope she is not married? - -Sir _John._ Some foolish Fancies only, perhaps I'm mistaken. - - _Re-enter Chaplain._ - -_Bull._ Sir, his Lordship is just rid out to take the Air. - -Sir _Tun._ To take the Air! Is that his _London_ Breeding, to go to -take the Air, when Gentlemen come to visit him? - -Sir _John._ 'Tis possible he might want it, he might not be well, some -sudden Qualm perhaps. - - _Enter Constable, ~&c.~ with Lord ~Foppington~._ - -_Lord Fop._ Stap my Vitals, I'll have Satisfaction. - -Sir _John._ [_Running to him._] My dear Lord _Foppington_! - -_Lord Fop._ Dear _Friendly_, thou art come in the critical Minute, -strike me dumb. - -Sir _John._ Why, I little thought to have found you in Fetters. - -_Lord Fop._ Why truly the World must do me the justice to confess, I -do use to appear, a little more _degagé_: But this old Gentleman, not -liking the Freedom of my Air, has been pleased to skewer down my Arms -like a Rabbit. - -Sir _Tun._ Is it then possible that this shou'd be the true Lord -_Foppington_ at last? - -_Lord Fop._ Why what do you see in his Face to make you doubt of it? -Sir, without presuming to have any extraordinary Opinion of my Figure, -give me leave to tell you, if you had seen as many Lords as I have -done, you would not think it impossible a Person of a worse _Taille_ -than mine, might be a modern Man of Quality. - -Sir _Tun._ Unbind him, Slaves: my Lord, I'm struck dumb, I can only -beg Pardon by Signs; but if a Sacrifice will appease you, you shall -have it. Here, pursue this _Tartar_, bring him back----Away, I say, a -Dog, Oons----I'll cut off his Ears and his Tail, I'll draw out all his -Teeth, pull his skin over his Head----and----what shall I do more? - -Sir _John._ He does indeed deserve to be made an Example of. - -_Lord Fop._ He does deserve to be _chartrè_, stap my Vitals. - -Sir _Tun._ May I then hope I have your Honour's Pardon? - -_Lord Fop._ Sir, we Courtiers do nothing without a Bribe; that fair -young Lady might do Miracles. - -Sir _Tun._ _Hoyden_, come hither, _Hoyden_. - -_Lord Fop._ _Hoyden_ is her Name, Sir? - -Sir _Tun._ Yes, my Lord. - -_Lord Fop._ The prettiest Name for a Song I ever heard. - -Sir _Tun._ My Lord----here's my Girl, she's yours, she has a wholesome -Body, and virtuous Mind; she's a Woman complete, both in Flesh and in -Spirit; she has a Bag of mill'd Crowns, as scarce as they are, and -fifteen hundred a-year flitch'd fast to her Tail: so go thy ways, -_Hoyden_. - -_Lord Fop._ Sir, I do receive her like a Gentleman. - -Sir _Tun._ Then I'm a happy Man, I bless Heaven, and if your Lordship -will give me leave, I will, like a good Christian at _Christmas_, be -very drunk by way of Thanksgiving. Come, my noble Peer, I believe -Dinner's ready; if your Honour pleases to follow me, I'll lead you on -to the Attack of a Venison Pasty. - - [_Exit Sir ~Tun.~_ - -_Lord Fop._ Sir, I wait upon you: Will your Ladyship do me the favour -of your little Finger, Madam? - -_Miss._ My Lord, I'll follow you presently. I have a little Business -with my Nurse. - -_Lord Fop._ Your Ladyship's most humble Servant; come, Sir _John_, the -Ladies have _des Affaires_. - - [_Exeunt ~Lord Fop~. and Sir ~John~._ - -_Miss._ So, Nurse, we are finely brought to bed! What shall we do now? - -_Nurse._ Ah, dear Miss, we are all undone! Mr. _Bull_, you were us'd to -help a Woman to a Remedy. - - [_Crying._ - -_Bull._ A lack a-day, but it's past my Skill now, I can do nothing. - -_Nurse._ Who wou'd have thought that ever your Invention shou'd have -been drain'd so dry? - -_Miss._ Well, I have often thought old Folks Fools, and now I'm sure -they are so; I have found a way myself to secure us all. - -_Nurse._ Dear Lady, what's that? - -_Miss._ Why, if you two will be sure to hold your Tongues, and not say -a word of what's past, I'll e'en marry this Lord too. - -_Nurse._ What! two Husbands, my Dear? - -_Miss._ Why you had three, good Nurse, you may hold your Tongue. - -_Nurse._ Ay, but not all together, sweet Child. - -_Miss._ Psha, if you had, you'd ne'er thought much on't. - -_Nurse._ O but 'tis a Sin--Sweeting. - -_Bull._ Nay, that's my business to speak to, Nurse. I do confess, to -take two Husbands for the Satisfaction of the Flesh, is to commit the -Sin of Exorbitancy; but to do it for the Peace of the Spirit, is no -more than to be drunk by way of Physick: Besides, to prevent a Parent's -Wrath, is to avoid the Sin of Disobedience; for when the Parent's angry -the Child is froward. So that upon the whole Matter, I do think, tho' -Miss shou'd marry again, she may be sav'd. - -_Miss._ I'cod, and I will marry again then, and so there is an end of -the Story. - - [_Exeunt._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ V. +SCENE+ _London_. - - - _Enter ~Coupler~, ~Young Fashion~, and ~Lory~._ - -_Coup._ Well, and so Sir _John_ coming in-- - -_Young Fash._ And so Sir _John_ coming in, I thought it might be -Manners in me to go out, which I did, and getting on Horseback as fast -as I cou'd, rid away as if the Devil had been at the Rear of me; what -has happen'd since, Heav'n knows. - -_Coup._ I'gad, Sirrah, I know as well as Heaven. - -_Young Fash._ What do you know? - -_Coup._ That you are a Cuckold. - -_Young Fash._ The Devil I am! By who? - -_Coup._ By your Brother. - -_Young Fash._ My Brother! which way? - -_Coup._ The old way, he has lain with your Wife. - -_Young Fash._ Hell and Furies, what dost thou mean? - -_Coup._ I mean plainly, I speak no Parable. - -_Young Fash._ Plainly! Thou dost not speak common Sense, I cannot -understand one Word thou sayst. - -_Coup._ You will do soon, Youngster. In short, you left your Wife a -Widow, and she married again. - -_Young Fash._ It's a Lye. - -_Coup._----I'cod, if I were a young Fellow, I'd break your Head, Sirrah. - -_Young Fash._ Dear Dad, don't be angry, for I'm as mad as _Tom ~of~ -Bedlam_. - -_Coup._ When I had fitted you with a Wife, you shou'd have kept her. - -_Young Fash._ But is it possible the young Strumpet cou'd play such a -Trick? - -_Coup._ A young Strumpet, Sir----can play twenty Tricks. - -_Young Fash._ But pr'ythee instruct me a little farther; whence comes -thy Intelligence! - -_Coup._ From your Brother, in this Letter; there, you may read it. - - [_~Young Fashion~ reads._ - - Dear _Coupler_, - -[Pulling off his Hat,] _I Have only time to tell thee in three Lines, -or thereabouts, that here has been the Devil! That Rascal ~Tam~, -having stole the Letter thou hadst formerly writ for me to bring to -Sir ~Tunbelly~, form'd a damnable Design upon my Mistress, and was in -a fair way of Success when I arriv'd. But after having suffer'd some -Indignities (in which I have all daub'd my embroider'd Coat) I put him -to flight. I sent out a Party of Horse after him, in hopes to have made -him my Prisoner, which if I had done, I would have qualified him for -the Seraglio, stap my Vitals. The Danger I have thus narrowly 'scap'd, -has made me fortify myself against further Attempts, by entering -immediately into an Association with the young Lady, by which we engage -to stand by one another, as long as we both shall live. In short, the -Papers are seal'd, and the Contract is sign'd, so the Business of the -Lawyer is ~achevé~; but I defer the divine part of the thing till I -arrive at ~London~, not being willing to consummate in any other Bed -but my own._ - - Postscript, - -_'Tis possible I may be in the Tawn as soon as this Letter; for I find -the Lady is so violently in love with me, I have determin'd to make her -happy with all the Dispatch that is practicable, without disardering my -Coach Harses._ - -So, here's rare Work, I'faith! - -_Lo._ I'gad, Miss _Hoyden_ has laid about her bravely. - -_Coup._ I think my Country-Girl has play'd her part, as well as if she -had been born and bred in St. _James_'s Parish. - -_Young Fash._----That Rogue the Chaplain. - -_Lo._ And then that Jade the Nurse, Sir. - -_Young Fash._ And then that drunken Sot, _Lory_, Sir; that cou'd not -keep himself sober to be a Witness to the Marriage. - -_Lo._ Sir----with respect----I know very few drunken Sots that do keep -themselves sober. - -_Young Fash._ Hold your prating, Sirrah, or I'll break your Head; dear -_Coupler_, what's to be done? - -_Coup._ Nothing's to be done till the Bride and Bridegroom come to Town. - -_Young Fash._ Bride and Bridegroom! Death and Furies! I can't bear that -thou shouldst call them so. - -_Coup._ Why, what shall I call them, Dog and Cat? - -_Young Fash._ Not for the World, that sounds more like Man and Wife -than t'other. - -_Coup._ Well, if you'll hear of them in no Language, we'll leave them -for the Nurse and the Chaplain. - -_Young Fash._ The Devil and the Witch. - -_Coup._ When they come to Town---- - -_Lo._ We shall have stormy Weather. - -_Coup._ Will you hold your tongues, Gentlemen, or not? - -_Lo._ Mum. - -_Coup._ I say when they, come, we must find what Stuff they are made -of, whether the Churchman be chiefly compos'd of the Flesh, or the -Spirit; I presume the former----For as Chaplains now go, 'tis probable -he eats three Pound of Beef to the reading one Chapter----This gives -him carnal Desires, he wants Money, Preferment, Wine, a Whore; -therefore we must invite him to Supper, give him fat Capons, Sack and -Sugar, a Purse of Gold, and a Plump Sister. Let this be done, and I'll -warrant thee, my Boy, he speaks Truth like an Oracle. - -_Young Fash._ Thou art a profound Statesman, I allow it; but how shall -we gain the Nurse? - -_Coup._ O never fear the Nurse, if once you have got the Priest, for -the Devil always rides the Hag. Well, there's nothing more to be said -of the Matter at this time, that I know of; so let us go and enquire, -if there's any News of our People yet, perhaps they may be come. But -let me tell you one thing by the way, Sirrah, I doubt you have been an -idle Fellow; if thou hadst behav'd thyself as thou shoud'st have done, -the Girl wou'd never have left thee. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _~Berinthia~'s Apartment._ - - _Enter her ~Maid~, passing the Stage, follow'd by ~Worthy~._ - -_Wor._ Hem, Mrs. _Abigail_, is your Mistress to be spoken with? - -_Ab._ By you, Sir, I believe she may. - -_Wor._ Why 'tis by me I wou'd have her spoken with. - -_Ab._ I'll acquaint her, Sir. - - [_Exit ~Ab~._ - - _~Worthy~ solus._ - -One Lift more I must persuade her to give me, and then I'm mounted. -Well, a young Bawd, and a handsome one for my Money, 'tis they do the -Execution; I'll never go to an old one, but when I have occasion for a -Witch. Lewdness looks heavenly to a Woman, when an Angel appears in its -Cause; but when a Hag is Advocate, she thinks it comes from the Devil. -An old Woman has something so terrible in her Looks, that whilst she is -persuading your Mistress to forget she has a Soul, she stares Hell and -Damnation full in her Face. - - _Enter ~Berinthia~._ - -_Ber._ Well, Sir, what News bring you? - -_Wor._ No News, Madam, there's a Woman going to cuckold her Husband. - -_Ber._ _Amanda_? - -_Wor._ I hope so. - -_Ber._ Speed her well. - -_Wor._ Ay, but there must be a more than a God-speed, or your Charity -won't be worth a Farthing. - -_Ber._ Why, han't I done enough already? - -_Wor._ Not quite. - -_Ber._ What's the matter? - -_Wor._ The Lady has a Scruple still which you must remove. - -_Ber._ What's that? - -_Wor._ Her Virtue----she says. - -_Ber._ And do you believe her? - -_Wor._ No, but I believe it's what she takes for her Virtue; it's some -Relicks of lawful Love: she is not yet fully satisfy'd her Husband has -got another Mistress, which unless I can convince her of, I have opened -the Trenches in vain; for the Breach must be wider, before I dare storm -the Town. - -_Ber._ And so I'm to be your Engineer! - -_Wor._ I'm sure you know best how to manage the Battery. - -_Ber._ What think you of springing a Mine? I have a Thought just now -come into my Head, how to blow her up at once. - -_Wor._ That would be a Thought, indeed! - -_Ber._----Faith, I'll do't, and thus the Execution of it shall be. We -are all invited to my Lord _Foppington_'s to-night to Supper, he's -come to Town with his Bride, and maketh a Ball, with an Entertainment -of Musick. Now you must know, my Undoer here, _Loveless_, says he -must needs meet me about some private Business (I don't know what -'tis) before we go to the Company. To which end he has told his Wife -one Lye, and I have told her another. But to make her amends, I'll go -immediately, and tell her a solemn Truth. - -_Wor._ What's that? - -_Ber._ Why, I'll tell her, that to my certain Knowledge her Husband -has a Rendezvous with his Mistress this Afternoon; and that if she'll -give me her Word, she will be satisfy'd with the Discovery, without -making any violent Inquiry after the Woman, I'll direct her to a Place, -where she shall see them meet.--Now, Friend, this I fancy may help you -to a critical Minute. For home she must go again to dress. You, with -your good-breeding, come to wait upon us to the Ball, find her all -alone, her Spirit enflam'd against her Husband for his Treason, and her -Flesh in a Heat from some Contemplations upon the Treachery, her Blood -on a Fire, her Conscience in ice; a Lover to draw, and the Devil to -drive----Ah, poor _Amanda_! - -_Wor._ [_Kneeling._] Thou Angel of Light, let me fall down and adore -thee! - -_Ber._ Thou Minister of Darkness, get up again, for I hate to see the -Devil at his Devotions. - -_Wor._ Well, my incomparable _Berinthia_----How shall I requite you---- - -_Ber._ O ne'er trouble yourself about that: Virtue is its own Reward: -There's a Pleasure in doing good, which sufficiently pays itself. Adieu. - -_Wor._ Farewel, thou best of Women. - - [_Exeunt several ways._ - - _Enter ~Amanda~, meeting ~Berinthia~._ - -_Aman._ Who was that went from you? - -_Ber._ A Friend of yours. - -_Aman._ What does he want? - -_Ber._ Something you might spare him, and be ne'er the poorer. - -_Aman._ I can spare him nothing but my Friendship; my Love already's -all dispos'd of: Tho', I confess, to one ungrateful to my Bounty. - -_Ber._ Why there's the Mystery! You have been so bountiful, you have -cloy'd him. Fond Wives do by their Husbands, as barren Wives do by -their Lap-Dogs; cram them with Sweetmeats till they spoil their -Stomachs. - -_Aman._ Alas! Had you but seen how passionately fond he has been since -our last Reconciliation, you wou'd have thought it were impossible he -ever should have breath'd an Hour without me. - -_Ber._ Ay but there you thought wrong again, _Amanda_; you shou'd -consider, that in Matters of Love Men's Eyes are always bigger than -their Bellies. They have violent Appetites, 'tis true, but they have -soon din'd. - -_Aman._ Well; there's nothing upon Earth astonishes me more than Men's -Inconstancy. - -_Ber._ Now there's nothing upon Earth astonishes me less, when I -consider what they and we are compos'd of. For Nature has made them -Children, and us Babies. Now, _Amanda_, how we us'd our Babies, you may -remember. We were mad to have them, as soon as we saw them; kiss'd them -to pieces, as soon as we got them; then pull'd off their Clothes, saw -them naked, and so threw them away. - -_Aman._ But do you think all Men are of this Temper? - -_Ber._ All but one. - -_Aman._ Who's that? - -_Ber._ _Worthy_. - -_Aman._ Why, he's weary of his Wife too, you see. - -_Ber._ Ay, that's no Proof. - -_Aman._ What can be a greater? - -_Ber._ Being weary of his Mistress. - -_Aman._ Don't you think 'twere possible he might give you that too? - -_Ber._ Perhaps he might, if he were my Gallant; not if he were your's. - -_Aman._ Why do you think he shou'd be more constant to me, than he -wou'd to you? I'm sure I'm not so handsome. - -_Ber._ Kissing goes by Favour; he likes you best. - -_Aman._ Suppose he does; That's no Demonstration he wou'd be constant -to me. - -_Ber._ No, that I'll grant you: But there are other Reasons to expect -it; for you must know after all, _Amanda_, the Inconstancy we commonly -see in Men of Brains, does not so much proceed from the Uncertainty -of their Temper, as from the Misfortunes of their Love. A Man sees, -perhaps, an hundred Women he likes well enough for an Intrigue, and -away; but possibly, thro' the whole Course of his Life, does not find -above one, who is exactly what he could wish her: now her, 'tis a -thousand to one, he never gets. Either she is not to be had at all -(tho' that seldom happens, you'll say) or he wants those Opportunities -that are necessary to gain her; either she likes somebody else much -better than him, or uses him like a Dog, because he likes no body so -well as her. Still something or other Fate claps in the way between -them and the Woman they are capable of being fond of. And this makes -them wander about from Mistress to Mistress, like a Pilgrim from Town -to Town, who every Night must have a fresh lodging, and 's in haste to -be gone in the Morning. - -_Aman._ Tis possible there may be something in what you say; but what -do you infer from it, as to the Man we were talking of? - -_Ber._ Why, I infer, that you being the Woman in the World the most to -his Humour, 'tis not likely he would quit you for one that is less. - -_Aman._ That is not to be depended upon, for you see Mr. _Loveless_ -does so. - -_Ber._ What does Mr. _Loveless_ do? - -_Aman._ Why, he runs after something for Variety, I'm sure he does not -like so well as he does me. - -_Ber._ That's more than you know, Madam. - -_Aman._ No, I'm sure on't: I am not very vain, _Berinthia_; and yet -I'll lay my Life, if I could look into his Heart, he thinks I deserve -to be prefer'd to a thousand of her. - -_Ber._ Don't be too positive in that neither: A Million to one, but she -has the same Opinion of you. What wou'd you give to see her? - -_Aman._ Hang her, dirty Trull; tho' I really believe she's so ugly, -she'd cure me of my Jealousy. - -_Ber._ All the Men of Sense about Town say she's handsome. - -_Aman._ They are as often out in those things as any People. - -_Ber._ Then I'll give you further Proof----all the Women about Town -say, she's a Fool: Now I hope you are convinc'd? - -_Aman._ Whate'er she be, I'm satisfy'd he does not like her well enough -to bestow any thing more than a little outward Gallantry upon her. - -_Ber._ Outward Gallantry!----[_Aside._] I can't bear this. [_To -Aman._] Don't you think she's a Woman to be fobb'd off so. Come, I'm -too much your Friend, to suffer you should be thus grossly impos'd -upon, by a Man who does not deserve the least part about you, unless -he knew how to set a greater Value upon it. Therefore in one word, to -my certain knowledge, he is to meet her now, within a quarter of an -Hour, somewhere about that _Babylon_ of Wickedness, _Whitehall_. And if -you'll give me your Word that you'll be content with seeing her mask'd -in his Hand, without pulling her Headclothes off, I'll step immediately -to the Person, from whom I have my Intelligence, and send you word -whereabouts you may stand to see 'em meet. My Friend and I'll watch 'em -from another place, and dodge 'em to their private Lodging: But don't -you offer to follow 'em, lest you do it awkwardly, and spoil all. I'll -come home to you again, as soon as I have earth'd 'em, and give you an -account in what corner of the House the Scene of their Lewdness lies. - -_Aman._ If you can do this, _Berinthia_, he's a Villain. - -_Ber._ I can't help that, Men will be so. - -_Aman._ Well! I'll follow your Directions; for I shall never rest till -I know the worst of this matter. - -_Ber._ Pray, go immediately, and get yourself ready then. Put on some -of your Woman's Clothes, a great Scarf and a Mask, and you shall -presently receive Orders. [_Calls within._] Here, who's there? get me a -Chair quickly. - -_Serv._ There are Chairs at the Door, Madam. - -_Ber._ 'Tis well, I'm coming. - -_Aman._ But pray, _Berinthia_, before you go, tell me how I may know -this filthy Thing, if she would be so forward (as I suppose she will) -to come to the Rendezvous first; for, methinks, I would fain view her a -little. - -_Ber._ Why, she's about my heighth; and very well shap'd. - -_Aman._ I thought she had been a little crooked? - -_Ber._ O no, she's as straight as I am. But we lose time, come away. - - [_Exeunt._ - - _Enter ~Young Fashion~, meeting ~Lory~._ - -_Young Fash._ Well, will the Doctor come? - -_Lo._ Sir, I sent a Porter to him as you order'd me. He found him with -a Pipe of Tobacco and a great Tankard of Ale, which he said he wou'd -dispatch while I cou'd tell three, and be here. - -_Young Fash._ He does not suspect 'twas I that sent for him? - -_Lo._ Not a Jot, Sir, he divines as little for himself, as he does for -other Folks. - -_Young Fash._ Will he bring Nurse with him? - -_Lo._ Yes. - -_Young Fash._ That's well; where's _Coupler_? - -_Lo._ He's half way up the Stairs taking Breath; he must play his -Bellows a little, before he can get to the top. - - _Enter ~Coupler~._ - -_Young Fash._ O here he is. Well, old Phthisick, the Doctor's coming. - -_Coup._ Wou'd the Pox had the Doctor----I'm quite out of Wind [_To -Lo._] Set me a Chair, Sirrah. Ah----[_Sits down._] [_To Young Fash._] -Why the Plague can'st not thou lodge upon the Ground-Floor? - -_Young Fash._ Because I love to lie as near Heaven as I can. - -_Coup._ Pr'ythee let Heaven alone; ne'er affect tending that way: Thy -Center's downwards. - -_Young Fash_. That's impossible. I have too much ill Luck in this -World, to be damn'd in the next. - -_Coup._ Thou art out in thy Logick. Thy Major is true, but thy Minor is -false; for thou art the luckiest Fellow in the Universe. - -_Young Fash_. Make out that. - -_Coup._ I'll do't: Last Night the Devil ran away with the Parson of -_Fat-goose_ Living. - -_Young Fash._ If he had run away with the Parish too, what's that to me? - -_Coup._ I'll tell thee what it's to thee. This Living is worth five -hundred Pound a-year, and the Presentation of it is thine, if thou -can'st prove thyself a lawful Husband to Miss _Hoyden_. - -_Young Fash._ Say'st thou so, my Protector! then I'gad I shall have a -Brace of Evidences here presently. - -_Coup._ The Nurse and the Doctor? - -_Young Fash._ The same: The Devil himself won't have Interest enough to -make them withstand it. - -_Coup._ That we shall see presently: Here they come. - - _Enter ~Nurse~ and ~Chaplain~; they start back, seeing ~Young - Fashion~._ - -_Nurse._ Ah Goodness, _Roger_, we are betray'd. - -_Young Fash._ [_Laying hold on them._] Nay, nay, ne'er flinch for the -matter; for I have you safe. Come to your Trials immediately; I have no -time to give you Copies of your Indictment. There sits your Judge.-- - -_Both kneeling._ Pray, Sir, have Compassion on us. - -_Nurse._ I hope, Sir, my Years will move your Pity; I am an aged Woman. - -_Coup._ That is a moving Argument, indeed! - -_Coup._ [_To Bull._] Are not you a rogue of Sanctity? - -_Bull._ Sir, with respect to my Function, I do wear a Gown. I hope, -Sir, my Character will be consider'd; I am Heaven's Ambassador. - -_Coup._ Did not you marry this vigorous young Fellow to a plump young -buxom Wench? - -_Nurse._ [_To Bull._] Don't confess, _Roger_, unless you are hard put -to it, indeed? - -_Coup._ Come, out with't--Now is he chewing the Cud of his Roguery, and -grinding a Lye between his Teeth. - -_Bull._ Sir,----I cannot positively say----I say, Sir----positively I -cannot say---- - -_Coup._ Come, no Equivocation, no Roman Turns upon us. Consider thou -stand'st upon Protestant Ground, which will slip from under thee like -a _Tyburn_ Car; for in this Country we have always ten Hangmen for one -Jesuit. - -_Bull._ [_To Young Fash._] Pray, Sir, then will you but permit me to -speak one word in private with Nurse? - -_Young Fash._ Thou art always for doing something in private with Nurse. - -_Coup._ But pray let his Betters be serv'd before him for once. I would -do something in private with her myself; _Lory_, take care of this -Reverend Gownman in the next Room a little. Retire, Priest. [_Exit -~Lo~. with ~Bull~._]--Now, Virgin, I must put the matter home to you a -little: Do you think it might not be possible to make you speak Truth? - -_Nurse._ Alas! Sir, I don't know what you mean by Truth. - -_Coup._ Nay,'tis possible thou may'st be a Stranger to it. - -_Young Fash._ Come, Nurse, you and I were better Friends when we saw -one another last; and I still believe you are a very good Woman in -the bottom. I did deceive you and your young Lady, 'tis true, but I -always design'd to make a very good Husband to her, and to be a very -good Friend to you. And 'tis possible in the end, she might have found -herself happier and you richer, than ever my Brother will make you. - -_Nurse._ Brother! Why is your Worship then his Lordship's Brother! - -_Young Fash._ I am; which you should have known, if I durst have staid -to have told you; but I was forc'd to take Horse a little in haste, you -know. - -_Nurse._ You were, indeed, Sir: poor young Man, how he was bound to -scaure for't. Now won't your Worship be angry, if I confess the Truth -to you; when I found you were a Cheat (with respect be it spoken) I -verily believ'd Miss had got some pitiful Skip-Jack Varlet or other to -her Husband, or I had ne'er let her think of marrying again. - -_Coup._ But where was your Conscience all this while, Woman? Did not -that stare you in the Face with huge Saucer-eyes, and a great Horn upon -the Forehead? Did not you think you should be damn'd for such a Sin? Ha! - -_Young Fash._ Well said, Divinity, press that home upon her. - -_Nurse._ Why, in good truly, Sir, I had some fearful Thoughts on't, -and cou'd never be brought to consent, till Mr. _Bull_ said it was a -_Peckadilla_, and he'd secure my Soul for a Tythe-Pig. - -_Young Fash._ There was a Rogue for you. - -_Coup._ And he shall thrive accordingly: He shall have a good Living. -Come, honest _Nurse_, I see you have Butter in your Compound; you can -melt. Some Compassion you can have of this handsome young Fellow. - -_Nurse._ I have, indeed, Sir. - -_Young Fash._ Why, then, I'll tell you what you shall do for me. You -know what a warm Living here is fallen; and that it must be in the -Disposal of him who has the Disposal of Miss. Now if you and the Doctor -will agree to prove my Marriage, I'll present him to it, upon condition -he makes you his Bride. - -_Nurse._ Naw the Blessing of the Lord follow your good Worship both by -Night and by Day! Let him be fetch'd in by the Ears; I'll soon bring -his Nose to the Grindstone. - -_Coup._ [_Aside._] Well said, old Whit-Leather. Hey; bring in the -Prisoner there. - - _Enter ~Lory~ with ~Bull~._ - -_Coup._ Come, advance, holy Man! Here's your Duck does not think fit to -retire with you into the Chancel at this time; but she has a Proposal -to make to you in the Face of the Congregation. Come, _Nurse_, speak -for yourself; you are of Age. - -_Nurse._ _Roger_, are not you a wicked Man, _Roger_, to set your -Strength against a weak Woman, and persuade her it was no Sin to -conceal Miss's Nuptials? My Conscience flies in my Face for it, thou -Priest of _Baal_; and I find by woful Experience, thy Absolution is not -worth an old Cassock: therefore I am resolved to confess the Truth to -the whole World, tho' I die a Beggar for it. But his Worship overflows -with his Mercy, and his Bounty: He is not only pleas'd to forgive us -our Sins, but designs thou sha't squat thee down in _Fat-goose_ Living; -and, which is more than all, has prevail'd with me to become the Wife -of thy Bosom. - -_Young Fash._ All this I intend for you, Doctor. What you are to do for -me, I need not tell you. - -_Bull._ Your Worship's Goodness is unspeakable: Yet there is one thing -seems a Point of Conscience; and Conscience is a tender Babe. If I -shou'd bind myself, for the sake of this Living, to marry _Nurse_, and -maintain her afterwards, I doubt it might be look'd on as a kind of -Simony. - -_Coup._ [_Rising up._] If it were Sacrilege, the Living's worth it: -Therefore no more Words, good Doctor: but with the [_Giving ~Nurse~ to -him._] Parish----here----take the Parsonage-house. 'Tis true, 'tis a -little out of Repair; some Dilapidations there are to be made good; the -Windows are broke, the Wainscot is warp'd, the Ceilings are peel'd, and -the Walls are crack'd; but a little Glasing, Painting, White-wash, and -Plaster, will make it last thy time. - -_Bull._ Well, Sir, if it must be so, I shan't contend: What Providence -orders, I submit to. - -_Nurse._ And so do I, with all Humility. - -_Coup._ Why, that now was spoke like good People. Come, my -Turtle-Doves, let us go help this poor Pigeon to his wandering Mate -again: and after Institution and Induction, you shall all go a-cooing -together. - - [_Exeunt._ - - _Enter ~Amanda~, in a Scarf, &c. as just returned, her - Woman following her._ - -_Aman._ Pr'ythee, what care I who has been here? - -_Wom._ Madam, 'twas my Lady _Bridle_, and my Lady _Tiptoe_. - -_Aman._ My Lady _Fiddle_, and my Lady _Faddle_. What dost stand -troubling me with the Visits of a parcel of impertinent Women? When -they are well seam'd with the Small Pox, they won't be so fond of -shewing their Faces----There are more Coquettes about this Town-- - -_Wom._ Madam, I suppose, they only came to return your Ladyship's -Visit, according to the Custom of the World. - -_Aman._ Wou'd the World were on Fire, and you in the middle on't! Be -gone: leave me. - - [_Exit Wom._ - - _~Amanda~ sola._ - - At last I am convinc'd. My Eyes are Testimonies of his Falshood. - The base, ungrateful, perjur'd Villain---- - Good Gods--What slippery Stuff are Men compos'd of! - Sure the Account of their Creation's false, - And 'twas the Woman's Rib that they were form'd of. - But why am I thus angry? - This poor Relapse shou'd only move my Scorn. - 'Tis true, the roving Flights of his unfinish'd Youth - Had strong Excuses from the Plea of Nature: - Reason had thrown the Reins loose on his Neck, - And slipt him to unlimited Desire. - If therefore he went wrong, he had a Claim - To my Forgiveness, and I did him right. - But since the Years of Manhood rein him in, - And Reason, well digested into Thought, - Has pointed out the Course he ought to run; - If now he strays, - 'Twou'd be as weak and mean in me to pardon, - As it has been in him t' offend. But hold: - 'Tis an ill Cause indeed, where nothing's to be said for't. - My Beauty possibly is in the Wain: - Perhaps Sixteen has greater Charms for him: - Yes, there's the Secret. But let him know, - My Quiver's not entirely empty'd yet, - I still have Darts, and I can shoot 'em too; - They're not so blunt, but they can enter still; - The Want's not in my Power, but in my Will. - Virtue's his Friend; or, thro' another's Heart, - I yet cou'd find the way to make his smart. - - [_Going off, she meets ~Worthy~._ - -Ha! He here? Protect me, Heaven, for this looks ominous. - -_Wor._ You seem disorder'd, Madam; I hope there's no Misfortune -happen'd to you? - -_Aman._ None that will long disorder me, I hope. - -_Wor._ Whate'er it be disturbs you, I wou'd to Heaven 'twere in my -Power to bear the Pain, till I were able to remove the Cause. - -_Aman._ I hope ere long it will remove itself. At least, I have given -it warning to be gone. - - _Wor._ Wou'd I durst ask, Where 'tis the Thorn torments you? - Forgive me, if I grow inquisitive; - 'Tis only with desire to give you Ease. - -_Aman._ Alas! 'tis in a tender Part. It can't be drawn without a World -of Pain: Yet out it must; for it begins to fester in my Heart. - -_Wor._ If 'tis the Sting of unrequited Love, remove it instantly: I -have a Balm will quickly heal the Wound. - -_Aman._ You'll find the Undertaking difficult: The Surgeon who already -has attempted it, has much tormented me. - -_Wor._ I'll aid him with a gentler Hand--if you will give me leave. - -_Aman._ How soft soe'er the Hand may be, there still is Terror in the -Operation. - -_Wor._ Some few Preparatives would make it easy, could I persuade you -to apply 'em. Make Home Reflections, Madam, on your slighted Love: -Weigh well the Strength and Beauty of your Charms: Rouse up that Spirit -Women ought to bear, and slight your God, if he neglects his Angel. -With Arms of Ice receive his cold Embraces, and keep your Fire for -those who come in Flames. Behold a burning Lover at your Feet, his -Fever raging in his Veins. See how he trembles, how he pants! See how -he glows, how he consumes! Extend the Arms of Mercy to his Aid: his -Zeal may give him Title to your Pity, altho' his Merit cannot claim -your Love. - -_Aman._ Of all my feeble Sex, sure I must be the weakest, shou'd I -again presume to think on Love. [_Sighing._]--Alas! my Heart has been -too roughly treated. - -_Wor._ 'Twill find the greater Bliss in softer Usage. - -_Aman._ But where's that Usage to be found? - -_Wor._ 'Tis here, within this faithful Breast; which if you doubt, I'll -rip it up before your Eyes; lay all its Secrets open to your View; and -then you'll see 'twas sound. - -_Aman._ With just such honest Words as these, the worst of Men deceiv'd -me. - -_Wor._ He therefore merits all Revenge can do: his Fault is such, the -Extent and Stretch of Vengeance cannot reach it. O make me but your -Instrument of Justice; you'll find me execute it with such Zeal, as -shall convince you I abhor the Crime. - -_Aman._ The Rigour of an Executioner has more the Face of Cruelty than -Justice: And he who puts the Cord about the Wretch's Neck, is seldom -known to exceed him in his Morals. - -_Wor._ What Proof then can I give you of my Truth? - -_Aman._ There is on Earth but one. - -_Wor._ And is that in my Power? - -_Aman._ It is: And one that would so thoroughly convince me, I should -be apt to rate your Heart so high, I possibly might purchase't with a -part of mine. - -_Wor._ Then, Heav'n, thou art my Friend, and I am blest; for if 'tis -in my Power, my Will I'm sure will reach it. No matter what the Terms -may be, when such a Recompence is offer'd. O tell me quickly what this -Proof must be! What is it will convince you of my Love? - -_Aman._ I shall believe you love me as you ought, if from this Moment, -you forbear to ask whatever is unfit for me to grant.----You pause upon -it, Sir----I doubt on such hard Terms, a Woman's Heart is scarcely -worth the having. - -_Wor._ A Heart like yours, on any Terms is worth it; 'twas not on that -I paus'd: But I was thinking [_Drawing nearer to her._] whether some -things there may not be, which Women cannot grant without a Blush, and -yet which Men may take without Offence. [_Taking her Hand._] Your Hand -I fancy may be of the Number: O pardon me, if I commit a Rape upon it, -[_Kissing it eagerly._] and thus devour it with my Kisses! - -_Aman._ O Heavens! let me go. - -_Wor._ Never, whilst I have Strength to hold you here. [_Forcing her to -sit down on a Couch._] My Life, my Soul, my Goddess----O forgive me! - -_Aman._ O whither am I going? Help, Heaven, or I am lost. - -_Wor._ Stand neuter, Gods, this once I do invoke you. - -_Aman._ Then, save me, Virtue, and the Glory's thine. - -_Wor._ Nay, never strive. - -_Aman._ I will; and conquer too. My Forces rally bravely to my Aid, -[_Breaking from him._] and thus I gain the Day. - -_Wor._ Then mine as bravely double their Attack. [_Seizing her again._] -And thus I wrest it from you. Nay, struggle not; for all's in vain: On -Death or victory; I am determin'd. - -_Aman._ And so am I. [_Rushing from him._] Now keep your distance, or -we part for ever. - -_Wor._ [_Offering again._] For Heaven's sake---- - -_Aman._ [_Going._] Nay then, farewel. - -_Wor._ [_Kneeling and holding by her Clothes._] O stay, and see the -Magick Force of Love: Behold this raging Lion at your Feet, struck -dead with Fear, and tame as Charms can make him. What must I do to be -forgiven by you? - -_Aman._ Repent, and never more offend. - -_Wor._ Repentance for past Crimes is just and easy; but sin no more's a -Task too hard for Mortals. - -_Aman._ Yet those who hope for Heaven, must use their best Endeavours -to perform it. - -_Wor._ Endeavours we may use, but Flesh and Blood are got in t'other -Scale; and they are pond'rous things. - -_Aman._ Whate'er they are, there is a Weight in Resolution sufficient -for their Balance. The Soul, I do confess, is usually so careless of -its Charge, so soft, and so indulgent to Desire, it leaves the Reins -in the wild Hand of Nature, who, like a _Phaeton_, drives the fiery -Chariot, and sets the World on Flame. Yet still the Sovereignty is in -the Mind, whene'er it pleases to exert its Force. Perhaps you may not -think it worth your while to take such mighty pains for my Esteem; but -that I leave to you. - - You see the Price I set upon my Heart; } - Perhaps 'tis dear: But spite of all your Art, } - You'll find on cheaper Terms we ne'er shall part. } - - [_Exit ~Amanda~._ - - _~Worthy~ solus_. - -Sure there's Divinity about her; and she'as dispens'd some portion on't -to me. For what but now was the wild Flame of Love, or (to dissect that -specious Term) the vile, the gross Desires of Flesh and Blood, is in a -Moment turn'd to Adoration. The coarser Appetite of Nature's gone, and -'tis, methinks, the Food of Angels I require: how long this Influence -may last, Heaven knows. But in this Moment of my Purity, I cou'd on her -own Terms accept her Heart. Yes, lovely Woman, I can accept it. For now -'tis doubly worth my Care. Your Charms are much increas'd, since thus -adorn'd. When Truth's extorted from us, then we own the Robe of Virtue -is a graceful Habit. - - Cou'd Women but our secret Counsels scan, - Cou'd they but reach the deep Reserves of Man, - They'd wear it on, that That of Love might last; - For when they throw off one, we soon the other cast. - Their Sympathy is such---- - The Fate of one, the other scarce can fly-- - They live together, and together die. - - [_Exit._ - - _Enter ~Miss~ and ~Nurse~._ - -_Miss._ But is it sure and certain, say you, he's my Lord's own Brother? - -_Nurse._ As sure, as he's your lawful Husband. - -_Miss._ I'cod, if I had known that in time, I don't know but I might -have kept him; For, between you and I, Nurse, he'd have made a Husband -worth two of this I have. But which do you think you shou'd fancy most, -Nurse? - -_Nurse._ Why, truly, in my poor fancy, Madam, your first Husband is the -prettier Gentleman. - -_Miss._ I don't like my Lord's Shapes, Nurse. - -_Nurse._ Why in good truly, as a body may say, he is but a Slam. - -_Miss._ What do you think now he puts me in mind of? Don't you remember -a long, loose, shambling sort of a Horse my Father call'd _Washy_? - -_Nurse._ As like as two Twin-Brothers. - -_Miss._ I'cod, I have thought so a hundred times: 'Faith, I'm tired of -him. - -_Nurse._ Indeed, Madam, I think you had e'en as good stand to your -first Bargain. - -_Miss._ O but, Nurse, we han't considered the main thing yet. -If I leave my Lord, I must leave my Lady too: and when I rattle -about the Streets in my Coach, they'll only say, there goes -Mistress----Mistress----Mistress what? What's this Man's Name, I have -married, Nurse? - -_Nurse._ 'Squire _Fashion_. - -_Miss._ 'Squire _Fashion_ is it?----Well, 'Squire, that's better than -nothing: Do you think one cou'd not get him made a Knight, Nurse? - -_Nurse._ I don't know but one might, Madam, when the King's in a good -Humour. - -_Miss._ I'cod, that wou'd do rarely. For then he'd be as good a Man as -my Father, you know. - -_Nurse._ By'r Lady, and that's as good as the best of 'em. - -_Miss._ So 'tis, faith; for then I shall be my Lady, and your Ladyship -at every Word, that's all I have to care for. Ha, Nurse! But hark you -me, one thing more, and then I have done. I'm afraid, if I change my -Husband again, I shan't have so much Money to throw about, Nurse. - -_Nurse._ O, enough's as good as a Feast: Besides, Madam, one don't -know, but as much may fall to your share with the younger Brother, as -with the elder. For tho' these Lords have a power of Wealth, indeed; -yet as I have heard say, they give it all to their Sluts and their -Trulls, who joggle it about in their Coaches, with a Murrain to 'em, -whilst poor Madam sits sighing and wishing, and knotting and crying, -and has not a spare Half-Crown to buy her a _Practice of Piety_. - -_Miss._ O, but for that, don't deceive yourself, Nurse. For this I must -[_Snapping her Fingers._] say for my Lord, and a----for him: He's as -free as an open House at _Christmas_. For this very Morning he told me, -I shou'd have two hundred a-year to buy Pins. Now, Nurse, if he gives -me two hundred a-year to buy Pins, what do you think he'll give me to -buy fine Petticoats? - -_Nurse._ Ah, my Dearest, he deceives these faully, and he's no better -than a Rogue for his pains. These _Londoners_ have got a Gibberidge -with them, would confound a Gipsey. That which they call Pin-money, is -to buy their Wives every thing in the varsal World, down to their very -Shoe-tyes? Nay, I have heard Folks say, That some Ladies, if they will -have Gallants, as they call 'em, are forc'd to find them out of their -Pin-money too. - -_Miss._ Has he serv'd me so, say ye?----Then I'll be his Wife no -longer, that's fixt. Look, here he comes, with all the fine Folks at -'s heels. I'cod, Nurse, these _London_ Ladies will laugh till they -crack again, to see me slip my Collar, and run away from my Husband. -But, d'ye hear? Pray take care of one thing: When the Business comes to -break out, be sure you get between me and my Father, for you know his -Tricks; he'll knock me down. - -_Nurse._ I'll mind him, ne'er fear, Madam. - - _Enter Lord ~Foppington~, ~Loveless~, ~Worthy~, ~Amanda~, - and ~Berinthia~._ - -_Lord Fop._ Ladies and Gentlemen, you are all welcome. [_To_ Lov.] -_Loveless_----That's my Wife; pr'ythee do me the favour to salute -her: And do'st hear, [_Aside to him._] if thau hast a mind to try thy -Fartune, to be reveng'd of me, I won't take it ill, stap my Vitals. - -_Lov._ You need not fear, Sir, I'm too fond of my own Wife, to have the -least Inclination for yours. - - [_All salute Miss._ - -_Lord Fop._ [_Aside._] I'd give a thausand Paund he wou'd make Love to -her, that he may see she has sense enough to prefer me to him, tho' his -own Wife has not: [_Viewing him._]--He's a very beastly Fellow, in my -Opinion. - -_Miss._ [_Aside._] What a Power of fine Men there are in this _London_! -He that kist me first, is a goodly Gentleman, I promise you: Sure those -Wives have a rare time on't, that live here always. - - _Enter Sir ~Tunbelly~, with Musicians, Dancers, ~&c.~_ - -Sir _Tun._ Come, come in, good People, come in; come, tune your -Fiddles, tune your Fiddles. - -_To the Hautboys._] Bag-pipes, make ready there. Come, strike up. - - [_Sings._ - - _For this is ~Hoyden~'s Wedding-day; - And therefore we keep Holy-day, - And come to be merry._ - -Ha! there's my Wench, I'faith: Touch and take, I'll warrant her; she'll -breed like a tame Rabbit. - -_Miss._ [_Aside._] I'cod, I think my Father's gotten drunk before -Supper. - -Sir _Tun._ [_To ~Lov~. and ~Wor~._] Gentlemen, you are welcome. -[_Saluting ~Aman~. and ~Ber~._] Ladies, by your leave. Ha----They bill -like Turtles. Udsookers, they set my old Blood a-fire; I shall cuckold -some body before Morning. - -_Lord Fop._ [_To Sir ~Tun~._] Sir, you being Master of the -Entertainment, will you desire the Company to sit? - -Sir _Tun._ Oons, Sir,----I'm the happiest Man on this side the _Ganges_. - -_Lord Fop._ [_Aside._] This is a mighty unaccountable old Fellow. [_To -Sir ~Tun~._] I said, Sir, it wou'd be convenient to ask the Company to -sit. - -Sir _Tun._ Sit----with all my heart: Come, take your places, Ladies; -take your places, Gentlemen: Come, sit down, sit down; a Pox of -Ceremony, take your places. - - [_They sit, and the Mask begins._ - - Dialogue between _Cupid_ and _Hymen_. - - Cupid. 1. - - _Thou Bane to my Empire, thou Spring of Contest, - Thou Source of all Discord, thou Period to Rest; - Instruct me what Wretches in Bondage can see, - That the Aim of their Life is still pointed to thee._ - - Hymen. 2. - - _Instruct me, thou little impertinent God, - From whence all thy Subjects have taken the Mode - To grow fond of a Change, to whatever it be, - And I'll tell thee why those wou'd be bound, who are free._ - - Chorus. - - _For Change, we're for Change, to whatever it be, - We are neither contented with Freedom nor Thee. - Constancy's an empty Sound, - Heaven, and Earth, and all go round, - All the Works of Nature move, - And the Joys of Life and Love - Are in Variety._ - - Cupid. 3. - - _Were Love the Reward of a pains-taking Life, - Had a Husband the Art to be fond of his Wife; - Were Virtue so plenty, a Wife cou'd afford, - These very hard Times, to be true to her Lord; - Some specious Account might be given of those - Who are ty'd by the Tail, to be led by the Nose._ - - 4. - - _But since 'tis the Fate of a Man and his Wife, - To consume all their Days in Contention and Strife: - Since whatever the Bounty of Heaven may create her, - He's morally sure he shall heartily hate her; - I think 'twere much wiser to ramble at large, - And the Volleys of Love on the Herd to discharge._ - - Hymen. 5. - - _Some colour of Reason thy Counsel might bear, - Cou'd a Man have no more than his Wife to his share; - Or were I a Monarch so cruelly just, - To oblige a poor Wife to be true to her Trust; - But I have not pretended, for many Years past, - By marrying of People, to make 'em grow chaste._ - - 6. - - _I therefore advise thee to let me go on, - Thou'd find I'm the Strength and Support of thy Throne; - For hadst thou but Eyes, thou wouldst quickly perceive it, - How smoothly the Dart - Slips into the Heart - Of a Woman that's Wed; - Whilst the shivering Maid - Stands trembling, and wishing, but dare not receive it._ - - Chorus. - - _For Change,_ &c. - - _The Mask ended, enter ~Young Fash~, ~Coupler~, and ~Bull~._ - -Sir _Tun._ So, very fine, very fine, i'faith; this is something like a -Wedding; now if Supper were but ready, I'd say a short Grace; and if I -had such a Bedfellow as _Hoyden_ to night----I'd say as short Prayers. - -_Seeing Young Fash._ How now----what have we got here? A Ghost? Nay, it -must be so; for his Flesh and Blood cou'd never have dar'd to appear -before me. [_To him._] Ah, Rogue---- - -_Lord Fop._ Stap my Vitals, _Tam_ again? - -Sir _Tun._ My Lord, will you cut his Throat? Or shall I? - -_Lord Fop._ Leave him to me, Sir, if you please. Pr'ythee, _Tam_, be so -ingenuous now, as to tell me what thy Business is here? - -_Young Fash._ 'Tis with your Bride. - -_Lord Fop._ Thau art the impudent'st Fellow that Nature has yet spawn'd -into the Warld, strike me speechless. - -_Young Fash._ Why you know my Modesty wou'd have starv'd me; I sent it -a-begging to you, and you wou'd not give it a Groat. - -_Lord Fop._ And dost thau expect by an excess of Assurance to extart a -Maintenance fram me? - -_Young Fash._ [_Taking Miss by the Hand._] I do intend to extort your -Mistress from you, and that I hope will prove one. - -_Lord Fop._ I ever thaught _Newgate_ or _Bedlam_ wou'd be his Fartune, -and naw his Fate's decided. Pr'ythee, _Loveless_, dost knaw of ever a -Mad Doctor hard by? - -_Young Fash._ There's one at your Elbow will cure you presently. - -_To Bull._ Pr'ythee, Doctor, take him in hand quickly. - -_Lord Fop._ Shall I beg the Favour of you, Sir, to pull your Fingers -out of my Wife's Hand? - -_Young Fash._ His Wife! Look you there; now I hope you are all -satisfy'd he's mad. - -_Lord Fop._ Naw is it not impassible far me to penetrate what Species -of Fally it is thou art driving at? - -_Sir Tun._ Here, here, here, let me beat out his Brains, and that will -decide all. - -_Lord Fop._ No, pray, Sir, hold, we'll destray him presently according -to Law. - -_Young Fash._ [_To_ Bull.] Nay, then advance, Doctor: come, you are a -Man of Conscience, answer boldly to the Questions I shall ask: Did not -you marry me to this young Lady, before ever that Gentleman there saw -her Face? - -_Bull._ Since the Truth must out, I did. - -_Young Fash._ Nurse, sweet Nurse, were not you a Witness to it? - -_Nurse._ Since my Conscience bids me speak----I was. - -_Young Fash._ [_To Miss._] Madam, am not I your lawful Husband? - -_Miss._ Truly I can't tell, but you married me first. - -_Young Fash._ Now I hope you are all satisfy'd? - -Sir _Tun._ [_Offering to strike him, is held by ~Lov~. and ~Wor~._] -Oons and Thunder, you lye. - -_Lord Fop._ Pray, Sir, be calm, the Battle is in Disarder, but requires -more Canduct than Courage to rally our Forces. Pray, Dactar, one word -with you. - -_To_ Bull [_Aside._] Look you, Sir, tho' I will not presume to -calculate your Notions of Damnation, fram the Description you give -us of Hell, yet since there is at least a passibility you may have a -Pitchfark thrust in your Backside, methinks, it shou'd not be worth -your while to risk your Saul in the next Warld, for the sake of a -beggarly yaunger Brather, who is nat able to make your Bady happy in -this. - -_Bull._ Alas! my Lord, I have no worldly Ends; I speak the Truth, -Heaven knows. - -_Lord Fop._ Nay, pr'ythee, never engage Heaven in the matter; far, by -all I can see, 'tis like to prove a Business for the Devil. - -_Young Fash._ Come, pray, Sir, all above-board, no corrupting of -Evidences; if you please, this young Lady is my lawful Wife, and I'll -justify it in all the Courts of _England_; so your Lordship (who always -had a Passion for Variety) may go seek a new Mistress, if you think fit. - -_Lord Fop._ I am struck dumb with his Impudence, and cannot passitively -tell whether ever I shall speak again, or nat. - -Sir _Tun._ Then let me come and examine the Business a little, I'll -jerk the Truth out of 'em presently; here, give me my Dog-Whip. - -_Young Fash._ Look you, old Gentleman, 'tis in vain to make a Noise; -if you grow mutinous, I have some Friends within Call, have Swords by -their Sides, above four Foot long; therefore be calm, hear the Evidence -patiently, and when the Jury have given their Verdict, pass Sentence -according to Law: Here's honest _Coupler_ shall be Foreman, and ask as -many Questions as he pleases. - -_Coup._ All I have to ask is, whether Nurse persists in her Evidence? -The Parson, I dare swear, will never flinch from his. - -_Nurse._ [_To Sir ~Tun~. kneeling._] I hope in Heaven your Worship will -pardon me; I have served you long and faithfully, but in this thing I -was over-reach'd; your Worship, however, was deceiv'd as, well as I; -and if the Wedding-Dinner had been ready, you had put Madam to Bed with -him with your own Hands. - -Sir _Tun._ But how durst you do this, without acquainting of me? - -_Nurse._ Alas! if your Worship had seen how the poor Thing begg'd, and -pray'd, and clung, and twin'd about me, like Ivy to an old Wall, you -wou'd say, I who had suckled it, and swaddled it, and nurst it both wet -and dry, must have had a Heart of Adamant to refuse it. - -Sir _Tun._ Very well. - -_Young Fash._ Foreman, I expect your Verdict. - -_Coup._ Ladies and Gentlemen, what's your Opinions? - -_All._ A clear Case, a clear Case. - -_Coup._ Then, my young Folks, I wish you Joy. - -Sir _Tun._ [_To_ Young Fash.] Come hither, Stripling; if it be true, -then, that thou hast marry'd my Daughter, pr'ythee tell me who thou art? - -_Young Fash._ Sir, the best of my Condition is, I am your Son-in-law; -and the worst of it is, I am Brother to that Noble Peer there. - -Sir _Tun._ Art thou Brother to that Noble Peer----Why then, that Noble -Peer, and thee, and thy Wife, and the Nurse, and the Priest----may all -go and be damn'd together. - - [_Exit Sir ~Tun~._ - -_Lord Fop._ [_Aside._] Naw, for my part, I think the wisest thing a Man -can do with an aking Heart, is to put on a serene Countenance; for a -Philosaphical Air is the most becoming thing in the Warld to the Face -of a Person of Quality; I will therefore bear my Disgrace like a Great -Man, and let the People see I am above an Affrant. [_To_ Young Fash.] -Dear _Tam_, since Things are thus fallen aut, pr'ythee give me leave to -wish thee Jay. I do it _de bon Cœur_, strike me dumb: you have marry'd -a Woman beautiful in her Person, charming in her Airs, prudent in her -Canduct, canstant in her Inclinations, and of a nice Marality, split my -Wind-pipe. - -_Young Fash._ Your Lardship may keep up your Spirits with your Grimace, -if you please; I shall support mine with this Lady, and two thousand -Pound a-year. - -_Taking Miss._] Come, Madam: - - We once again, you see, are Man and Wife, - And now, perhaps, the Bargain's struck for Life: - If I mistake, and we shou'd part again. - At least you see you may have choice of Men: - Nay, shou'd the War at length such Havock make, - That Lovers shou'd grow scarce, yet for your sake, - Kind Heaven always will preserve a Beau-- - - _Pointing to_ Lord Fop.] You'll find his Lordship ready to come to. } - } - _Lord Fop._ Her Ladyship shall stap my Vitals, if I do. } - -[Illustration] - - - - -EPILOGUE, - - - Spoken by - - Lord =Foppington=. - - Gentlemen and Ladies, - - _These People have regal'd you here to-day - (In my Opinion) with a saucy Play; - In which the Author does presume to shew, - That Coxcomb,_ ab Origine--_was Beau. - Truly I think the thing of so much weight, } - That if some sharp Chastisement ben't his Fate, } - Gad's Curse, it may in time destroy the State. } - I hold no one its Friend, I must confess, - Who wou'd discauntenance you Men of Dress. - Far, give me leave t'abserve, good Clothes are Things - Have ever been of great Support to Kings: - All Treasons come fram Slovens; it is nat - Within the reach of Gentle Beaux to plat; - They have no Gall; no Spleen, no Teeth, no Stings, - Of all Gad's Creatures, the most harmless Things. - Thro' all Recard, no Prince was ever slain - By one who had a Feather in his Brain, - They're Men of too refin'd an Education, - To squabble with a Court--for a vile dirty Nation. - I'm very pasitive, you never saw - A tho'ro' Republican a finish'd Beau. - Nor truly shall you very often see - A ~Jacobite~ much better drest than he: - In short, thro' all the Courts that I have been in, - Your Men of Mischief--still are in faul Linen. - Did ever one yet dance the ~Tyburn~ Jigg, - With a free Air, or a well pawder'd Wig? - Did ever Highway-man yet bid you stand, - With a sweet bawdy Snuff-Box in his Hand? - Ar do you ever find they ask your Purse - As Men of Breeding do?----Ladies, Gad's Curse, - This Author is a Dag, and 'tis not fit - You shou'd allow him e'en one Grain of Wit: - To which, that his Pretence may ne'er be nam'd, - My humble Motion is----he may be damn'd._ - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -THE - -PROVOK'D WIFE. - -A - -COMEDY. - - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -PROLOGUE. - - - Spoken by Mrs. _Bracegirdle_. - - _Since 'tis th' Intent and Business of the Stage, - To copy out the Follies of the Age; - To hold to every Man a faithful Glass, - And shew him of what Species he's an Ass: - I hope the next that teaches in the School, - Will shew our Author he's a scribbling Fool. - And that the Satire may be sure to bite, } - Kind Heav'n! inspire some venom'd Priest to write, } - And grant some ugly Lady may indite. } - For I wou'd have him lash'd, by Heavens! I wou'd, - Till his Presumption swam away in Blood. - Three Plays at once proclaim a Face of Brass, } - No matter what they are; That's not the Case-- } - To write three Plays, e'en that's to be an Ass. } - But what I least forgive, he knows it too, - For to his Cost he lately has known you-- - Experience shews, to many a Writer's Smart, - You hold a Court where Mercy ne'er had part; - So much of the old Serpent's Sting you have, - You love to Damn, as Heaven delights to Save. - In foreign Parts, let a bold Volunteer, } - For Public Good, upon the Stage appear, } - He meets ten thousand Smiles to dissipate his Fear. } - All tickle on th' adventuring young Beginner, - And only scourge th' incorrigible Sinner; - They touch indeed his Faults, but with a Hand - So gentle, that his Merit still may stand; - Kindly they buoy the Follies of his Pen, - That he may shun 'em when he writes again. - But 'tis not so in this good-natur'd Town, } - All's one, an Ox, a Poet, or a Crown; } - Old ~England~'s Play was always knocking down._ } - - - - -Dramatis Personæ. - - -MEN. - - _Constant_, Mr. _Verbruggen_. - _Heartfree_, Mr. _Hudson_. - Sir _John Brute_, Mr. _Betterton_. - _Treble_, a Singing-Master, Mr. _Bowman_. - _Rasor_, Valet de Chambre to Sir _John Brute_, Mr. _Bowen_. - Justice of the Peace, Mr. _Bright_. - Lord _Rake_, } Companions to - Col. _Bully_, } Sir _John Brute_. - Constable _and_ Watch. - - -WOMEN. - - Lady _Brute_, Mrs. _Barry_. - _Belinda_, her Niece, Mrs. _Bracegirdle_. - Lady _Fancyfull_, Mrs. _Bowman_. - _Madamoiselle_, Mrs. _Willis_. - _Cornet_ and _Pipe_, Servants to Lady _Fancyfull_. - -[Illustration] - - THE - PROVOK'D WIFE. - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ I. +SCENE+ I. - - +SCENE+, _Sir ~John Brute~'s House_. - - - _Enter Sir ~John~, solus._ - -What cloying Meat is Love--when Matrimony's the Sauce to it! Two Years -Marriage has debauch'd my five Senses. Every thing I see, every thing -I hear, every thing I feel, every thing I smell, and every thing I -taste--methinks has Wife in't. No Boy was ever so weary of his Tutor, -no Girl of her Bib, no Nun of doing Penance, or old Maid of being -chaste, as I am of being married. Sure there's a secret Curse entail'd -upon the very Name of Wife. My Lady is a young Lady, a fine Lady, a -witty Lady, a virtuous Lady,--and yet I hate her. There is but one -thing on Earth I loath beyond her: That's Fighting. Would my Courage -come up to a fourth part of my Ill-Nature, I'd stand buff to her -Relations, and thrust her out of doors. But Marriage has sunk me down -to such an Ebb of Resolution, I dare not draw my Sword, tho' even to -get rid of my Wife. But here she comes. - - _Enter ~Lady Brute~._ - -_Lady Brute._ Do you dine at home to-day, Sir _John_? - -_Sir John._ Why, do you expect I should tell you what I don't know -myself? - -_Lady Brute._ I thought there was no harm in asking you. - -_Sir John._ If thinking wrong were an excuse for Impertinence, Women -might be justify'd in most things they say or do. - -_Lady Brute._ I'm sorry I have said any thing to displease you. - -_Sir John._ Sorrow for things past is of as little importance to me, as -my dining at home or abroad ought to be to you. - -_Lady Brute._ My Enquiry was only that I might have provided what you -lik'd. - -_Sir John._ Six to four you had been in the wrong there again; for what -I lik'd yesterday I don't like to-day; and what I like to-day, 'tis -odds I mayn't like to-morrow. - -_Lady Brute._ But if I had ask'd you what you lik'd? - -_Sir John._ Why then there wou'd have been more asking about it than -the thing was worth. - -_Lady Brute._ I wish I did but know how I might please you. - -_Sir John._ Ay, but that sort of Knowledge is not a Wife's Talent. - -_Lady Brute._ Whate'er my Talent is, I'm sure my Will has ever been to -make you easy. - -_Sir John._ If Women were to have their Wills, the World wou'd be -finely govern'd. - -_Lady Brute._ What reason have I given you to use me as you do of late? -It once was otherwise: You marry'd me for Love. - -_Sir John._ And you me for Money: So you have your Reward, and I have -mine. - -_Lady Brute._ What is it that disturbs you? - -_Sir John._ A Parson. - -_Lady Brute._ Why, what has he done to you? - -_Sir John._ He has married me. - - [_Exit Sir ~John~._ - - _Lady ~Brute~ sola._ - -The Devil's in the Fellow, I think----I was told before I married him, -that thus 'twou'd be: But I thought I had Charms enough to govern him; -and that where there was an Estate, a Woman must needs be happy; so -my Vanity has deceiv'd me, and my Ambition has made me uneasy. But -there's some Comfort still; if one wou'd be reveng'd of him, these are -good times; a Woman may have a Gallant, and a separate Maintenance -too--The surly Puppy--yet he's a Fool for't: for hitherto he has been -no Monster: But who knows how far he may provoke me? I never lov'd -him, yet I have been ever true to him; and that, in spite of all the -Attacks of Art and Nature upon a poor weak Woman's Heart, in favour of -a tempting Lover. Methinks so noble a Defence as I have made, shou'd -be rewarded with a better Usage--Or who can tell?----Perhaps a good -part of what I suffer from my Husband, may be a Judgment upon me for -my Cruelty to my Lover.----Lord, with what pleasure could I indulge -that Thought, were there but a Possibility of finding Arguments to -make it good!----And how do I know but there may?--Let me see----What -opposes?--My matrimonial Vow----Why, what did I vow? I think I promis'd -to be true to my Husband. Well; and he promis'd to be kind to me. But -he han't kept his Word----Why then I'm absolv'd from mine--Ay, that -seems clear to me. The Argument's good between the King and the People, -why not between the Husband and the Wife? O, but that Condition was not -exprest--No matter, 'twas understood. Well, by all I see, if I argue -the matter a little longer with myself, I shan't find so many Bug-bears -in the Way as I thought I shou'd. Lord, what fine Notions of Virtue do -we Women take up upon the Credit of old foolish Philosophers! Virtue's -its own Reward, Virtue's this, Virtue's that----Virtue's an Ass, and a -Gallant's worth forty on't. - - _Enter ~Belinda~._ - -_Lady Brute._ Good-morrow, dear Cousin. - -_Bel._ Good-morrow, Madam; you look pleas'd this Morning. - -_Lady Brute._ I am so. - -_Bel._ With what, pray? - -_Lady Brute._ With my Husband. - -_Bel._ Drown Husbands; for your's is a provoking Fellow: As he went out -just now, I pray'd him to tell me what time of Day 'twas; and he ask'd -me if I took him for the Church-Clock, that was oblig'd to tell all the -Parish. - -_Lady Brute._ He has been saying some good obliging things to me too. -In short, _Belinda_, he has us'd me so barbarously of late, that I -cou'd almost resolve to play the downright Wife--and cuckold him. - -_Bel._ That would be downright indeed. - -_Lady Brute._ Why, after all, there's more to be said for't than -you'd imagine, Child. I know, according to the strict Statute-Law of -Religion, I shou'd do wrong: But if there were a Court of Chancery in -Heav'n, I'm sure I shou'd cast him. - -_Bel._ If there were a House of Lords, you might. - -_Lady Brute._ In either I should infallibly carry my Cause. Why, he is -the first Aggressor, not I. - -_Bel._ Ay, but you know we must return Good for Evil. - -_Lady Brute._ That may be a Mistake in the Translation--Pr'ythee be of -my Opinion, _Belinda_; for I'm positive I'm in the right; and if you'll -keep up the Prerogative of a Woman, you'll likewise be positive you -are in the right, whenever you do any thing you have a mind to. But I -shall play the Fool, and jest on, till I make you begin to think I'm in -earnest. - -_Bel._ I shan't take the Liberty, Madam, to think of any thing that you -desire to keep a Secret from me. - -_Lady Brute._ Alas, my Dear, I have no Secrets. My Heart cou'd never -yet confine my Tongue. - -_Bel._ Your Eyes, you mean; for I'm sure I have seen them gadding, when -your Tongue has been lock'd up safe enough. - -_Lady Brute._ My Eyes gadding! Pr'ythee after who, Child? - -_Bel._ Why, after one that thinks you hate him, as much as I know you -love him. - -_Lady Brute._ _Constant_ you mean. - -_Bel._ I do so. - -_Lady Brute._ Lord, what shou'd put such a thing into your Head? - -_Bel._ That which puts things into most People's Heads, Observation. - -_Lady Brute._ Why what have you observ'd, in the Name of Wonder? - -_Bel._ I have observed you blush when you met him; force yourself away -from him; and then be out of humour with every thing about you: In a -Word, never was poor Creature so spurr'd on by Desire, and so rein'd in -with Fear. - -_Lady Brute._ How strong is Fancy! - -_Bel._ How weak is Woman! - -_Lady Brute._ Pr'ythee, Niece, have a better Opinion of your Aunt's -Inclination. - -_Bel._ Dear Aunt, have a better Opinion of your Niece's Understanding. - -_Lady Brute._ You'll make me angry. - -_Bel._ You'll make me laugh. - -_Lady Brute._ Then you are resolv'd to persist? - -_Bel._ Positively. - -_Lady Brute._ And all I can say---- - -_Bel._ Will signify nothing. - -_Lady Brute._ Tho' I should swear 'twere false-- - -_Bel._ I should think it true. - -_Lady Brute._ Then let us both forgive; [_Kissing her._] for we have -both offended: I, in making a Secret; you, in discovering it. - -_Bel._ Good Nature may do much: But you have more Reason to forgive -one, than I have to pardon t'other. - -_Lady Brute._ 'Tis true, _Belinda_, you have given me so many Proofs -of your Friendship, that my Reserve has been indeed a Crime: But that -you may more easily forgive me, remember, Child, that when our Nature -prompts us to a thing our Honour and Religion have forbid us; we wou'd -(wer't possible) conceal even from the Soul itself, the Knowledge of -the Body's Weakness. - -_Bel._ Well, I hope, to make your Friend amends, you'll hide nothing -from her for the future, tho' the Body shou'd still grow weaker and -weaker. - -_Lady Brute._ No, from this Moment I have no more Reserve; and for a -Proof of my Repentance, I own, _Belinda_, I'm in danger. Merit and -Wit assault me from without; Nature and Love sollicit me within; my -Husband's barbarous Usage piques me to Revenge; and _Satan_, catching -at the fair Occasion, throws in my way that Vengeance, which of all -Vengeance pleases Women best. - -_Bel._ 'Tis well _Constant_ don't know the Weakness of the -Fortification; for o' my Conscience he'd soon come on to the Assault. - -_Lady Brute._ Ay, and I'm afraid carry the Town too. But whatever you -may have observ'd, I have dissembled so well as to keep him ignorant. -So you see I'm no Coquette, _Belinda_: And if you follow my Advice, -you'll never be one neither. 'Tis true, Coquetry is one of the main -Ingredients in the natural Composition of a Woman; and I, as well as -others, cou'd be well enough pleas'd to see a Crowd of young Fellows -ogling, and glancing, and watching all Occasions to do forty foolish -officious Things: Nay, shou'd some of 'em push on, even to hanging or -drowning, why--'faith--if I shou'd let pure Woman alone, I shou'd e'en -be but too well pleas'd with it. - -_Bel._ I'll swear 'twould tickle me strangely. - -_Lady Brute._ But after all, 'tis a vicious Practice in us, to give -the least Encouragement but where we design to come to a Conclusion. -For 'tis an unreasonable thing to engage a Man in a Disease, which we -beforehand resolve we never will apply a Cure to. - -_Bel._ 'Tis true; but then a Woman must abandon one of the supreme -Blessings of her Life. For I am fully convinc'd, no Man has half that -Pleasure in possessing a Mistress, as a Woman has in jilting a Gallant. - -_Lady Brute._ The happiest Woman then on Earth must be our Neighbour. - -_Bel._ O the impertinent Composition! She has Vanity and Affectation -enough to make her a ridiculous Original, in spite of all that Art and -Nature ever furnish'd to any of her Sex before her. - -_Lady Brute._ She concludes all Men her Captives; and whatever Course -they take, it serves to confirm her in that Opinion. - -_Bel._ If they shun her, she thinks 'tis Modesty, and takes it for a -Proof of their Passion. - -_Lady Brute._ And if they are rude to her, 'tis Conduct, and done to -prevent Town-talk. - -_Bel._ When her Folly makes 'em laugh; she thinks they are pleased with -her Wit. - -_Lady Brute._ And when her Impertinence makes 'em dull, concludes they -are jealous of her Favours. - -_Bel._ All their Actions and their Words, she takes for granted, aim at -her. - -_Lady Brute._ And pities all other Women, because she thinks they envy -her. - -_Bel._ Pray, out of pity to ourselves, let us find a better Subject; -for I'm weary of this. Do you think your Husband inclined to Jealousy? - -_Lady Brute._ O, no; he does not love me well enough for that. Lord, -how wrong Men's Maxims are! They are seldom jealous of their Wives, -unless they are very fond of 'em; whereas they ought to consider the -Women's Inclinations; for there depends their Fate. Well, Men may talk; -But they are not so wise as we----that's certain. - -_Bel._ At least in our Affairs. - -_Lady Brute._ Nay, I believe we shou'd out-do 'em in the Business of -the State too: For, methinks, they do and undo, and make but bad Work -on't. - -_Bel._ Why then don't we get into the Intrigues of Government as well -as they? - -_Lady Brute._ Because we have Intrigues of our own, that make us more -Sport, Child. And so let's in and consider of 'em. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _A Dressing-Room_. - - _Enter Lady ~Fancyfull~, ~Madamoiselle~, and ~Cornet~._ - -_Lady Fan._ How do I look this Morning? - -_Cor._ Your Ladyship looks very ill, truly. - -_Lady Fan._ Lard, how ill-natur'd thou art, _Cornet_, to tell me so, -tho' the thing shou'd be true! Don't you know that I have Humility -enough to be but too easily out of Conceit with myself? Hold the Glass; -I dare swear that will have more Manners than you have. _Madamoiselle_, -let me have your Opinion too. - -_Madam._ My opinion pe, Matam, dat your Latyship never look so well in -your Life. - -_Lady Fan._ Well, the _French_ are the prettiest, obliging People; they -say the most acceptable, well-manner'd things--and never flatter. - -_Madam._ Your Latyship say great Justice inteed. - -_Lady Fan._ Nay, every thing's just in my House but _Cornet_. The -very Looking-Glass gives her the _Dementi_. But I'm almost afraid it -flatters me, it makes me look so very engaging. - - [_Looking affectedly in the Glass._ - -_Madam._ Inteed, Matam, your face pe handsomer den all de Looking-Glass -in de World, _croyez moy_. - -_Lady Fan._ But is it possible my Eyes can be so languishing--and so -very full of Fire? - -_Madam._ Matam, if de Glass was Burning-Glass, I believe your Eyes set -de Fire in de House. - -_Lady Fan._ You may take that Night-gown, _Madamoiselle_; get out of -the Room, _Cornet_; I can't endure you. This Wench, methinks, does look -so unsufferably ugly. - -_Madam._ Every ting look ugly, Matam, dat stand by your Latyship. - -_Lady Fan._ No really, _Madamoiselle_, methinks you look mighty pretty. - -_Madam._ Ah Matam! de Moon have no Eclat ven de Sun appear. - -_Lady Fan._ O pretty Expression! Have you ever been in Love, -_Madamoiselle_? - -Madam. _Ouy_, Matame. - - [_Sighing._ - -_Lady Fan._ And were you belov'd again? - -Madam. _Non_, Matame. - -_Lady Fan._ O ye Gods! What an unfortunate Creature shou'd I be in such -a Case! But Nature has made me nice, for my own Defence: I'm nice, -strangely nice, _Madamoiselle_; I believe were the Merit of whole -Mankind bestow'd upon one single Person, I shou'd still think the -Fellow wanted something to make it worth my while to take notice of -him; and yet I could love; nay, fondly love, were it possible to have -a thing made on purpose for me: For I'm not cruel, _Madamoiselle_; I'm -only nice. - -_Madam._ Ah Matam, I wish I was fine Gentleman for your sake. I do -all de ting in de World to get leetel way into your Heart. I make -Song, I make Verse, I give you de Serenade, I give great many Present -to _Madamoiselle_; I no eat, I no sleep, I be lean, I be mad, I hang -myself, I drown myself. _Ah ma chere Dame, que je vous aimerois!_ - - [_Embracing her._ - -_Lady Fan._ Well, the _French_ have strange obliging ways with 'em; you -may take those two pair of Gloves, _Madamoiselle_. - -_Madam._ Me humbly tanke my sweet Lady. - - _Enter ~Cornet~._ - -_Cor._ Madam, here's a Letter for your Ladyship by the Penny Post. - -_Lady Fan._ Some new Conquest, I'll warrant you. For without Vanity, -I look'd extremely clear last Night when I went to the Park.--O -agreeable! Here's a new Song made of me: And ready set too. O thou -welcome thing! [_Kissing it._] Call _Pipe_ hither, she shall sing it -instantly. - - _Enter ~Pipe~._ - -Here, sing me this new Song, _Pipe_. - - SONG. - - I. - - _Fly, fly, you happy Shepherds, fly; - Avoid ~Philira~'s Charms; - The Rigour of her Heart denies - The Heaven that's in her Arms. - Ne'er hope to gaze, and then retire, - Nor yielding, to be blest; - Nature, who form'd her Eyes of Fire, - Of Ice compos'd her Breast._ - - II. - - _Yet, lovely Maid, this once believe - A Slave whose Zeal you move; - The Gods, alas! your Youth deceive, - Their Heav'n consists in Love. - In spite of all the Thanks you owe, - You may reproach 'em this; - That where they did their Form bestow, - They have deny'd their Bliss._ - -_Lady Fan._ Well, there may be Faults, _Madamoiselle_, but the Design -is so very obliging, 'twou'd be a matchless Ingratitude in me to -discover 'em. - -Madam. _Ma foy, Madame_, I tink de Gentleman's Song tell you de Trute. -If you never love, you never be happy--Ah--_que l'aime l'amour moy_! - - _Enter Servant with another Letter._ - -_Ser._ Madam, here's another Letter for your Ladyship. - -_Lady Fan._ 'Tis this way I am importun'd every Morning, -_Madamoiselle_. Pray how do the _French_ Ladies when they are thus -_accablées_? - -_Madam._ Matam, dey never complain. _Au contraire_, when one _Frense_ -Laty have got hundred Lover--den she do all she can--to get a hundred -more. - -_Lady Fan._ Well, strike me dead, I think they have _le Gout bon_. For -'tis an unutterable Pleasure to be ador'd by all the Men, and envy'd -by all the Women----Yet I'll swear I'm concern'd at the Torture I give -'em. Lard, why was I form'd to make the whole Creation uneasy! But let -me read my Letter. [_Reads._] - - "If you have a mind to hear of your Faults, instead of being - prais'd for your Virtues, take the pains to walk in the Green-walk - in St. _James_'s with your Woman an Hour hence. You'll there - meet one, who hates you for some things, as he cou'd love - you for others, and therefore is willing to endeavour your - Reformation.----If you come to the Place I mention, you'll know who - I am: If you don't, you never shall: so take your Choice." - -This is strangely familiar, _Madamoiselle_; now have I a provoking -Fancy to know who this impudent Fellow is. - -_Madam._ Den take your Scarf and your Mask, and go to de Rendezvous. De -_Frense_ Laty do _justement comme ça_. - -_Lady Fan._ Rendezvous! What, rendezvous with a Man, _Madamoiselle_! - -Madam. _Eh, pourquoy non?_ - -_Lady Fan._ What, and a Man perhaps I never saw in my Life? - -Madam. _Tant mieux: c'est donc quelque chose de nouveau._ - -_Lady Fan._ Why, how do I know what Designs he may have? He may intend -to ravish me, for aught I know. - -_Madam._ Ravish!--_Bagatelle_. I would fain see one impudent Rogue -ravish _Madamoiselle: Ouy, je le voudrois_. - -_Lady Fan._.O, but my Reputation, _Madamoiselle!_ my Reputation! _Ah ma -chere Reputation!_ - -Madam. _Madame--Quand on la une fois perdue--On n'en est plus -embarassée._ - -_Lady Fan._ Fe, _Madamoiselle_, Fe! Reputation is a Jewel. - -Madam. _Qui coute bien chere, Madame._ - -_Lady Fan._ Why sure you would not sacrifice your Honour to your -Pleasure? - -Madam. _Je suis Philosophe._ - -_Lady Fan._ Bless me, how you talk! Why, what if Honour be a Burden, -_Madamoiselle_, must it not be borne? - -Madam. _Chaqu'un a sa façon--Quand quelque chose m'incommode moy--je -m'en defais vite._ - -_Lady Fan._ Get you gone, you little naughty _French-woman_, you; I vow -and swear I must turn you out of doors, if you talk thus. - -_Madam._ Turn me out of doors!----Turn yourself out of doors, and go -see what de Gentleman have to say to you--_Tenez_. _Voila_ [Giving -her her things hastily.] _vostre Esharpe_, _voila vostre Quoife_, -_voila vostre Masque_, _voila tout_. _Hey_, _Mercure_, _Coquin_: Call -one Chair for Matam, and one oder [_Calling within._] for me: _Va -t'en vite_. [Turning to her Lady, and helping her on hastily with -her things.] _Allons, Madame, depechez vous donc. Mon Dieu, quelles -Scrupules!_ - -_Lady Fan._ Well, for once, _Madamoiselle_, I'll follow your Advice, -out of the intemperate Desire I have to know who this ill-bred Fellow -is. But I have too much _Delicatesse_, to make a Practice on't. - -Madam. _Belle chose vrayment que la Delicatesse, lors qu'il s'agit de -se devertir--à ça--Vous voila equipés, partons.--He bien!--qu'avez vous -donc?_ - -Lady Fan. _J'ay peur._ - -Madam. _Je n'en ay point moy._ - -_Lady Fan._ I dare not go. - -Madam. _Demeurez donc._ - -Lady Fan. _Je suis poltrone._ - -Madam. _Tant pis pour vous._ - -_Lady Fan._ Curiosity's a wicked Devil. - -Madam. _C'est une charmante Sainte._ - -_Lady Fan._ It ruined our first Parents. - -Madam. _Elle a bien diverti leurs Enfans._ - -Lady Fan. _L'Honneur est contre._ - -Madam. _La Plaisir est pour._ - -_Lady Fan._ Must I then go? - -_Madam._ Must you go?--Must you eat, must you drink, must you sleep, -must you live? De Nature bid you do one, de Nature bid you do toder. -_Vous me ferez enrager._ - -_Lady Fan._ But when Reason corrects Nature, _Madamoiselle_---- - -Madam. _Elle est donc bien insolente, c'est sa Sœur aisnée._ - -_Lady Fan._ Do you then prefer your Nature to your Reason, -_Madamoiselle_? - -Madam. _Ouy da._ - -Lady Fan. _Pourquoy?_ - -_Madam._ Because my Nature make me merry, my Reason make me mad. - -Lady Fan. _Ah la mechante Françoise!_ - -Madam. _Ah la belle Angloise!_ - - [_Forcing her Lady off._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ II. - - -+SCENE+, _St. ~James~'s Park_. - - _Enter Lady ~Fancyfull and Madamoiselle~._ - -_Lady Fan._ Well, I vow, _Madamoiselle_, I'm strangely impatient to -know who this confident Fellow is. - - _Enter ~Heartfree~._ - -Look, there's _Heartfree_. But sure it can't be him; he's a profess'd -Woman-hater. Yet who knows what my wicked Eyes may have done? - -Madam. _Il nous approche, Madame._ - -_Lady Fan._ Yes, 'tis he: now will he be most intolerably cavalier, -tho' he should be in love with me. - -_Heart._ Madam, I'm your humble Servant; I perceive you have more -Humility and Good-Nature than I thought you had. - -_Lady Fan._ What you attribute to Humility and Good-Nature, Sir, may -perhaps be only due to Curiosity. I had a mind to know who 'twas had -ill manners enough to write that Letter. - - [_Throwing him his Letter._ - -_Heart._ Well, and now I hope you are satisfy'd. - -_Lady Fan._ I am so, Sir: Good by t'ye. - -_Heart._ Nay, hold there; tho' you have done your Business, I han't -done mine: By your Ladyship's leave, we must have one Moment's Prattle -together. Have you a mind to be the prettiest Woman about Town, or not? -How she stares upon me! What! this passes for an impertinent Question -with you now, because you think you are so already? - -_Lady Fan._ Pray, Sir, let me ask you a Question in my Turn: By what -Right do you pretend to examine me? - -_Heart._ By the same Right that the strong govern the weak, because I -have you in my power; for you cannot get so quickly to your Coach, but -I shall have time enough to make you hear every thing I have to say to -you. - -_Lady Fan._ These are strange Liberties you take, Mr. _Heartfree_. - -_Heart._ They are so, Madam, but there's no help for it; for know that -I have a Design upon you. - -_Lady Fan._ Upon me, Sir! - -_Heart._ Yes; and one that will turn to your Glory, and my Comfort, if -you will but be a little wiser than you use to be. - -_Lady Fan._ Very well, Sir. - -_Heart._ Let me see----Your Vanity, Madam, I take to be about some -eight Degrees higher than any Woman's in the Town, let t'other be who -she will; and my Indifference is naturally about the same Pitch. Now, -could you find the way to turn this Indifference into Fire and Flames, -methinks your Vanity ought to be satisfy'd; and this, perhaps, you -might bring about upon pretty reasonable Terms. - -_Lady Fan._ And pray at what rate would this Indifference be bought -off, if one shou'd have so depraved an Appetite to desire it? - -_Heart._ Why, Madam, to drive a Quaker's Bargain, and make but one word -with you, if I do part with it--you must lay me down--your Affectation. - -_Lady Fan._ My Affectation, Sir! - -_Heart._ Why, I ask you nothing but what you may very well spare. - -_Lady Fan._ You grow rude, Sir. Come, _Madamoiselle_, 'tis high time to -be gone. - -Madam. _Allons, allons, allons._ - -_Heart._ [_Stopping them._] Nay, you may as well stand still; for hear -me you shall, walk which way you please. - -_Lady Fan._ What mean you, Sir? - -_Heart._ I mean to tell you, that you are the most ungrateful Woman -upon Earth. - -_Lady Fan._ Ungrateful! To whom? - -_Heart._ To Nature. - -_Lady Fan._ Why, what has Nature done for me? - -_Heart._ What you have undone by Art! It made you handsome; it gave you -Beauty to a Miracle, a Shape without a Fault, Wit enough to make them -relish, and so turn'd you loose to your own Discretion; which has made -such work with you, that you are become the Pity of our Sex, and the -Jest of your own. There is not a Feature in your Face, but you have -found the way to teach it some affected Convulsion; your Feet, your -Hands, your very Fingers Ends are directed never to move without some -ridiculous Air or other; and your Language is a suitable Trumpet, to -draw people's Eyes upon the Raree-show. - -_Madam._ [aside] _Est ce qu'on fait l'amour en Angleterre comme ça?_ - -_Lady Fan._ [_Aside._] Now cou'd I cry for Madness, but that I know -he'd laugh at me for it. - -_Heart._ Now do you hate me for telling you the Truth, but that's -because you don't believe it is so; for were you once convinc'd of -that, you'd reform for your own sake. But 'tis as hard to persuade a -Woman to quit any thing that makes her ridiculous, as 'tis to prevail -with a Poet to see a Fault in his own Play. - -_Lady Fan._ Every Circumstance of nice Breeding must needs appear -ridiculous to one who has so natural an Antipathy to Good-manners. - -_Heart._ But suppose I could find the means to convince you, that the -whole World is of my Opinion, and that those who flatter and commend -you, do it to no other Intent, but to make you persevere in your Folly, -that they may continue in their Mirth. - -_Lady Fan._ Sir, tho' you and all that World you talk of shou'd be -so impertinently officious, as to think to persuade me I don't know -how to behave myself; I shou'd still have Charity enough for my own -Understanding, to believe myself in the right, and all you in the wrong. - -Madam. _Le voila mort._ - - [_Exeunt Lady ~Fancyfull~ and ~Madamoiselle~._ - -_Heart._ [_Gazing after her._] There her single Clapper has publish'd -the Sense of the whole Sex. Well, this once I have endeavour'd to wash -the Blackamoor white, but henceforward I'll sooner undertake to teach -Sincerity to a Courtier, Generosity to an Usurer, Honesty to a Lawyer, -nay, Humility to a Divine, than Discretion to a Woman I see has once -set her Heart upon playing the Fool. - - _Enter ~Constant~._ - -'Morrow, _Constant_. - -_Const._ Good-morrow, _Jack_! What are you doing here this Morning? - -_Heart._ Doing! Guess, if thou canst.----Why I have been endeavouring -to persuade my Lady _Fancyfull_, that she's the foolishest Woman about -Town. - -_Const._ A pretty Endeavour, truly! - -_Heart._ I have told her in as plain _English_ as I could speak, both -what the Town says of her, and what I think of her. In short, I have -us'd her as an absolute King would do _Magna Charta_. - -_Const._ And how does she take it? - -_Heart._ As Children do Pills; bite them, but can't swallow them. - -_Const._ But, pr'ythee, what has put it into your Head, of all Mankind, -to turn Reformer? - -_Heart._ Why one thing was, the Morning hung upon my Hands, I did not -know what to do with myself; and another was, that as little as I care -for Women, I cou'd not see with Patience one that Heaven had taken -such wondrous Pains about, be so very industrious to make herself the -Jack-pudding of the Creation. - -_Const._ Well, now could I almost wish to see my cruel Mistress make -the self-same Use of what Heaven has done for her, that so I might be -cur'd of a Disease that makes me so very uneasy; for Love, Love is the -Devil, _Heartfree_. - -_Heart._ And why do you let the Devil govern you? - -_Const._ Because I have more Flesh and Blood than Grace and -Self-denial. My dear, dear Mistress! 'S death! that so genteel a Woman -should be a Saint, when Religion's out of Fashion! - -_Heart._ Nay, she's much in the wrong, truly; but who knows how far -Time and good Example may prevail? - -_Const._ O! they have play'd their Parts in vain already: 'Tis now two -Years since that damned Fellow her Husband invited me to his Wedding; -and there was the first time I saw that charming Woman, whom I have -lov'd ever since, more than e'er a Martyr did his Soul; but she is -cold, my Friend, still cold as the Northern Star. - -_Heart._ So are all Women by Nature, which makes them so willing to be -warm'd. - -_Const._ O don't prophane the Sex! Pr'ythee, think them all Angels for -her sake; for she's virtuous even to a Fault. - -_Heart._ A Lover's Head is a good accountable Thing truly; he adores -his Mistress for being virtuous, and yet is very angry with her because -she won't be lewd. - -_Const._ Well, the only Relief I expect in my Misery, is to see thee -some Day or other as deeply engag'd as myself, which will force me to -be merry in the midst of all my Misfortunes. - -_Heart._ That Day will never come, be assur'd, _Ned_. Not but that I -can pass a Night with a Woman, and for the time, perhaps; make myself -as good Sport as you can do. Nay, I can court a Woman too, call her -Nymph, Angel, Goddess, what you please: But here's the Difference -'twixt you and I; I persuade a Woman she's an Angel, and she persuades -you she's one. Pr'ythee, let me tell you how I avoid falling in Love; -that which serves me for Prevention, may chance to serve you for a Cure. - -_Const._ Well, use the Ladies moderately then, and I'll hear you. - -_Heart._ That using them moderately undoes us all; but I'll use them -justly, and that you ought to be satisfied with. I always consider -a Woman, not as the Taylor, the Shoemaker, the Tire-woman, the -Sempstress, and (which is more than all that) the Poet makes her; but I -consider her as pure Nature has contrived her, and that more strictly -than I shou'd have done our old Grandmother _Eve_, had I seen her naked -in the Garden; for I consider her turn'd inside out. Her Heart well -examin'd, I find there Pride, Vanity, Covetousness, Indiscretion, but -above all things, Malice; plots eternally a-forging to destroy one -another's Reputations, and as honestly to charge the Levity of Men's -Tongues with the Scandal; hourly Debates how to make poor Gentlemen -in love with them, with no other Intent but to use them like Dogs -when they have done; a constant Desire of doing more Mischief, and an -everlasting War wag'd against Truth and Good-Nature. - -_Const._ Very well, Sir! An admirable Composition, truly! - -_Heart._ Then for her Outside, I consider it merely as an Outside; -she has a thin Tiffany Covering over just such Stuff as you and I are -made on. As for her Motion, her Mien, her Airs, and all those Tricks, -I know they affect you mightily. If you should see your Mistress at -a Coronation dragging her Peacock's Train, with all her State and -Insolence about her, 'twou'd strike you with all the awful Thoughts -that Heav'n itself could pretend to from you; whereas I turn the whole -Matter into a Jest, and suppose her strutting in the self-same stately -Manner, with nothing on her but her Stays and her under scanty quilted -Petticoat. - -_Const._ Hold thy profane Tongue; for I'll hear no more. - -_Heart._ What, you'll love on, then? - -_Const._ Yes, to Eternity. - -_Heart._ Yet you have no hopes at all? - -_Const._ None. - -_Heart._ Nay, the Resolution may be discreet enough; perhaps you have -found out some new Philosophy, that Love, like Virtue, is its own -Reward: So you and your Mistress will be as well content at a Distance, -as others that have less Learning are in coming together. - -_Const._ No; but if she should prove kind at last, my dear _Heartfree_-- - - [_Embracing him_. - -_Heart._ Nay, pr'ythee, don't take me for your Mistress; for Lovers are -very troublesome. - -_Const._ Well; who knows what Time may do? - -_Heart._ And just now he was sure Time could do nothing. - -_Const._ Yet not one kind Glance in two Years, is somewhat strange. - -_Heart._ Not strange at all; she don't like you, that's all the -Business. - -_Const._ Pr'ythee, don't distract me. - -_Heart._ Nay, you are a good handsome young Fellow, she might use you -better: Come, will you go see her? Perhaps she may have chang'd her -Mind; there's some Hopes as long as she's a Woman. - -_Const._ O, 'tis in vain to visit her! Sometimes to get a Sight of her, -I visit that Beast her Husband; but she certainly finds some Pretence -to quit the Room as soon as I enter. - -_Heart._ 'Tis much she don't tell him you have made Love to her too; -for that's another good-natur'd thing usual amongst Women, in which -they have several Ends. Sometimes 'tis to recommend their Virtue, that -they may be lewd with the greater Security. Sometimes 'tis to make -their Husbands fight, in hopes they may be kill'd, when their Affairs -require it should be so: but most commonly 'tis to engage two Men in -a Quarrel, that they may have the Credit of being fought for; and if -the Lover's kill'd in the Business, they cry, _Poor Fellow, he had ill -Luck_----and so they go to Cards. - -_Const._ Thy Injuries to Women are not to be forgiven. Look to't, if -ever thou dost fall into their Hands---- - -_Heart._ They can't use me worse than they do you, that speak well of -'em. O ho! here comes the Knight. - - _Enter Sir ~John Brute~._ - -_Heart._ Your humble Servant, Sir _John_. - -_Sir John._ Servant, Sir. - -_Heart._ How does all your Family? - -_Sir John._ Pox o' my Family! - -_Const._ How does your Lady? I han't seen her abroad a good while. - -_Sir John._ Do! I don't know how she does, not I; she was well enough -Yesterday; I han't been at home to-night. - -_Const._ What, were you out of Town? - -_Sir John._ Out of Town! No, I was drinking. - -_Const._ You are a true _Englishman_; don't know your own Happiness. If -I were married to such a Woman, I would not be from her a Night for all -the Wine in _France_. - -_Sir John._ Not from her!----'Oons----what a time should a Man have of -that! - -_Heart._ Why, there's no Division, I hope. - -_Sir John._ No; but there's a Conjunction, and that's worse; a Pox of -the Parson----Why the plague don't you two marry? I fancy I look like -the Devil to you. - -_Heart._ Why, you don't think you have Horns, do you? - -_Sir John._ No, I believe my Wife's Religion will keep her honest. - -_Heart._ And what will make her keep her Religion? - -_Sir John._ Persecution; and therefore she shall have it. - -_Heart._ Have a care, Knight! Women are tender things. - -_Sir John._ And yet, methinks, 'tis a hard Matter to break their Hearts. - -_Const._ Fy, fy! You have one of the best Wives in the World, and yet -you seem the most uneasy Husband. - -_Sir John._ Best Wives! The Woman's well enough; she has no Vice that -I know of, but she's a Wife, and--damn a Wife! If I were married to a -Hogshead of Claret, Matrimony would make me hate it. - -_Heart._ Why did you marry, then? You were old enough to know your own -Mind. - -_Sir John._ Why did I marry? I married because I had a mind to lie with -her, and she would not let me. - -_Heart._ Why did you not ravish her? - -_Sir John._ Yes, and so have hedg'd myself into forty Quarrels with her -Relations, besides buying my pardon: But more than all that, you must -know, I was afraid of being damn'd in those days: For I kept sneaking, -cowardly Company, Fellows that went to Church, said Grace to their -Meat, and had not the least Tincture of Quality about them. - -_Heart._ But I think you are got into a better Gang now? - -_Sir John._ Zoons, Sir, my Lord _Rake_ and I are Hand and Glove: I -believe we may get our Bones broke together to-night; have you a mind -to share a Frolick? - -_Const._ Not I, truly; my Talent lies to softer Exercises. - -_Sir John._ What, a Down-Bed and a Strumpet? A pox of Venery, I say. -Will you come and drink with me this Afternoon? - -_Const._ I can't drink to-day, but we'll come and sit an Hour with you, -if you will. - -_Sir John._ Phugh, Pox, sit an Hour! Why can't you drink? - -_Const._ Because I'm to see my Mistress. - -_Sir John._ Who's that? - -_Const._ Why, do you use to tell? - -_Sir John._ Yes. - -_Const._ So won't I. - -_Sir John._ Why? - -_Const._ Because 'tis a Secret. - -_Sir John._ Would my Wife knew it, 'twould be no Secret long. - -_Const._ Why, do you think she can't keep a Secret? - -_Sir John._ No more than she can keep _Lent_. - -_Heart._ Pr'ythee, tell it her to try, _Constant_. - -_Sir John._ No, pr'ythee, don't, that I mayn't be plagu'd with it. - -_Const._ I'll hold you a Guinea you don't make her tell it you. - -_Sir John._ I'll hold you a Guinea I do. - -_Const._ Which way? - -_Sir John._ Why, I'll beg her not to tell it me. - -_Heart._ Nay, if any thing does it, that will. - -_Const._ But do you think, Sir---- - -_Sir John._ Oons, Sir, I think a Woman and a Secret are the two -impertinentest Themes in the Universe: Therefore pray let's hear no -more of my Wife, nor your Mistress. Damn 'em both with all my heart, -and every thing else that daggles a Petticoat, except four generous -Whores, with _Betty Sands_ at the Head of 'em, who are drunk with my -Lord _Rake_ and I ten times in a Fortnight. - - [_Exit ~Sir John~._ - -_Const._ Here's a dainty Fellow for you! And the veriest Coward too. -But his Usage of his Wife makes me ready to stab the Villain. - -_Heart._ Lovers are short-sighted: All their Senses run into that of -Feeling. This Proceeding of his is the only thing on Earth can make -your Fortune. If any thing can prevail with her to accept of a Gallant, -'tis his ill Usage of her; for Women will do more for Revenge, than -they'll do for the Gospel. Pr'ythee, take heart, I have great hopes for -you: And since I can't bring you quite off of her, I'll endeavour to -bring you quite on; for a whining Lover is the damn'dest Companion upon -Earth. - -_Const._ My dear Friend, flatter me a little more with these Hopes; for -whilst they prevail, I have Heaven within me, and could melt with Joy. - -_Heart._ Pray, no melting yet; let things go farther first. This -afternoon, perhaps, we shall make some advance. In the mean while, -let's go dine at _Locket_'s, and let Hope get you a Stomach. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _Lady_ Fancyfull's _House_. - - _Enter Lady ~Fancyfull~ and ~Madamoiselle~._ - -_Lady Fan._ Did you ever see any thing so _importune, Madamoiselle_? - -_Madam._ Inteed, Matam, to say de trute, he want leetel Good-breeding. - -_Lady Fan._ Good-breeding! He wants to be caned, _Madamoiselle_: an -insolent Fellow! And yet let me expose my Weakness, 'tis the only Man -on Earth I cou'd resolve to dispense my Favours on, were he but a -fine Gentleman. Well! did Men but know how deep an Impression a fine -Gentleman makes in a Lady's Heart, they would reduce all their Studies -to that of Good-breeding alone. - - _Enter ~Cornet~._ - -_Cor._ Madam, here's Mr. _Treble_. He has brought home the Verses your -Ladyship made, and gave him to set. - -_Lady Fan._ O let him come in by all means. Now _Madamoiselle_, am I -going to be unspeakably happy. - - _Enter ~Treble~._ - -So, Mr. _Treble_, you have set my little Dialogue? - -_Treb._ Yes, Madam, and I hope your Ladyship will be pleased with it. - -_Lady Fan._ O, no doubt on't; for really, Mr. _Treble_, you set all -things to a wonder: But your Musick is in particular heavenly, when you -have my Words to clothe in't. - -_Treb._ Your Words themselves, Madam, have so much Musick in 'em, they -inspire me. - -_Lady Fan._ Nay, now you make me blush, Mr. _Treble_; but pray let's -hear what you have done. - -_Treb._ You shall, Madam. - -A SONG, to be sung between a Man and a Woman. - - M. _Ah lovely Nymph, the World's on fire; - Veil, veil those cruel Eyes_: - - W. _The World may then in Flames expire, - And boast that so it dies_. - - M. _But when all Mortals are destroy'd, - Who then shall sing your Praise?_ - - W. _Those who are fit to be employ'd: - The Gods shall Altars raise_. - -_Treb._ How does your Ladyship like it, Madam? - -_Lady Fan._ Rapture, Rapture, Mr. _Treble_! I'm all Rapture! O Wit and -Art, what Power have you when join'd! I must needs tell you the Birth -of this little Dialogue, Mr. _Treble_. Its Father was a Dream, and its -Mother was the Moon. I dream'd that by an unanimous Vote, I was chosen -Queen of that pale World; and that the first time I appear'd upon my -Throne----all my Subjects fell in love with me. Just then I wak'd, -and seeing Pen, Ink and Paper lie idle upon the Table, I slid into my -Morning-Gown, and writ this _impromptu_. - -_Treb._ So I guess the Dialogue, Madam, is suppos'd to be between your -Majesty and your first Minister of State. - -_Lady Fan._ Just: He, as Minister, advises me to trouble my Head -about the Welfare of my Subjects; which I, as Sovereign, find a very -impertinent Proposal. But is the Town so dull, Mr. _Treble_, it affords -us never another new Song? - -_Treb._ Madam, I have one in my Pocket, came out but Yesterday, if your -Ladyship pleases to let Mrs. _Pipe_ sing it. - -_Lady Fan._ By all means. Here, _Pipe_, make what Musick you can of -this Song, here. - - SONG. - - I. - - _Not an Angel dwells above, - Half so fair as her I love. - Heaven knows, how she'll receive me; - If she smiles, I'm blest indeed; - If she frowns, I'm quickly freed; - Heaven knows she ne'er can grieve me._ - - II. - - _None can love her more than I, - Yet she ne'er shall make me die. - If my Flame can never warm her, - Lasting Beauty I'll adore; - I shall never love her more, - Cruelty will so deform her._ - -_Lady Fan._ Very well: This is _Heartfree_'s Poetry without question. - -_Treb._ Won't your Ladyship please to sing yourself this Morning? - -_Lady Fan._ O Lord, Mr. _Treble_, my Cold is still so barbarous to -refuse me that Pleasure! He, he, hem. - -_Treb._ I'm very sorry for it, Madam: Methinks all Mankind should turn -Physicians for the Cure on't. - -_Lady Fan._ Why, truly, to give Mankind their due, there's few that -know me but have offer'd their Remedy. - -_Treb._ They have reason, Madam; for I know no body sings so near a -Cherubim as your Ladyship. - -_Lady Fan._ What I do, I owe chiefly to your Skill and Care, Mr. -_Treble_. People do flatter me, indeed, that I have a Voice, and a -_Je-ne-sçai-quoy_ in the Conduct of it, that will make Musick of any -thing. And truly I begin to believe so, since what happen'd t'other -Night: Wou'd you think it, Mr. _Treble_? Walking pretty late in the -Park, (for I often walk late in the Park, Mr _Treble_) a Whim took me -to sing _Chevy Chase_; and, wou'd you believe it? next Morning I had -three Copies of Verses, and six Billet-doux at my Levée upon it. - -_Treb._ And without all dispute you deserv'd as many more, Madam. Are -there any further Commands for your Ladyship's humble Servant? - -_Lady Fan._ Nothing more at this Time, Mr. _Treble_. But I shall expect -you here every Morning for this Month, to sing my little Matter there -to me. I'll reward you for your Pains. - -_Treb._ O Lord, Madam---- - -_Lady Fan._ Good-morrow, sweet Mr. _Treble_. - -_Treb._ Your Ladyship's most obedient Servant. - - [_Exit ~Treb~._ - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Serv._ Will your Ladyship please to dine yet? - -_Lady Fan._ Yes, let 'em serve. [_Exit Servant._] Sure this _Heartfree_ -has bewitch'd me, _Madamoiselle_. You can't imagine how oddly he -mixt himself in my Thoughts during my Rapture e'en now. I vow 'tis a -thousand Pities he is not more polish'd: Don't you think so? - -_Madam._ Matam, I tink it so great pity, dat if I was in your Ladyship -place, I take him home in my House, I lock him up in my Closet, and I -never let him go till I teach him every ting dat fine Laty expect from -fine Gentelman. - -_Lady Fan._ Why, truly, I believe I shou'd soon subdue his Brutality; -for without doubt, he has a strange _Penchant_ to grow fond of me, -in spite of his Aversion to the Sex, else he wou'd ne'er have taken -so much Pains about me. Lord, how proud wou'd some poor Creatures be -of such a Conquest! But I, alas! I don't know how to receive as a -Favour what I take to be so infinitely my Due. But what shall I do to -new-mould him, _Madamoiselle_? for till then he's my utter Aversion. - -_Madam._ Matam; you must laugh at him in all de place dat you meet him, -and turn into de reticule all he say, and all he do. - -_Lady Fan._ Why, truly, Satire has ever been of wondrous use to reform -Ill-manners. Besides, 'tis my particular Talent to ridicule Folks. I -can be severe, strangely severe, when I will, _Madamoiselle_----Give me -the Pen and Ink----I find myself whimsical----I'll write to him----Or -I'll let it alone, and be severe upon him that way [_Sitting down to -write, rising up again._]--Yet Active Severity is better than Passive. -[_Sitting down._]----'Tis as good let it alone, too; for every Lash I -give him, perhaps, he'll take for a Favour. [_Rising._]----Yet 'tis -a thousand pities so much Satire should be lost. [_Sitting._]---- -But if it shou'd have a wrong Effect upon him, 'twould distract me. -[_Rising._]----Well, I must write, tho', after all, [_Sitting._]----Or -I'll let it alone, which is the same thing. [_Rising._] - -Madam. _La voilà determinée._ - - [_Exeunt._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ III. - - -+SCENE+ _opens; Sir ~John~, Lady ~Brute~ and ~Belinda~ rising from the -Table._ - -_Sir John._ Here, take away the Things; I expect Company. But first -bring me a Pipe; I'll smoak. - - [_To a Servant._ - -_Lady Brute._ Lord, Sir _John_, I wonder you won't leave that nasty -Custom. - -_Sir John._ Pr'ythee, don't be impertinent. - -_Bel._ [_To Lady ~Brute~._] I wonder who those People are he expects -this Afternoon? - -_Lady Brute._ I'd give the World to know: Perhaps 'tis _Constant_--he -comes here sometimes: if it does prove him, I'm resolv'd I'll share the -Visit. - -_Bel._ We'll send for our Work, and sit here. - -_Lady Brute._ He'll choak us with his Tobacco. - -_Bel._ Nothing will choak us when we are doing what we have a mind to. -_Lovewell!_ - - _Enter ~Lovewell~._ - -_Lov._ Madam. - -_Lady Brute._ Here; bring my Cousin's Work and mine hither. - - [_Exit ~Lov~. and re-enters with their Work._ - -_Sir John._ Whu! Pox, can't you work somewhere else? - -_Lady Brute._ We shall be careful not to disturb you, Sir. - -_Bel._ Your Pipe would make you too thoughtful, Uncle, if you were left -alone; our Prittle-prattle will cure your Spleen. - -_Sir John._ Will it so, Mrs. Pert? Now I believe it will so increase -it, [_Sitting and smoaking._] I shall take my own House for a -Paper-mill. - -_Lady Brute._ [_To ~Bel~. aside._] Don't let's mind him; let him say -what he will. - -_Sir John._ A Woman's Tongue a Cure for the Spleen!--Oons--[_Aside._] -If a Man had got the Head-ach, they'd be for applying the same Remedy. - -_Lady Brute._ You have done a great deal, _Belinda_, since yesterday. - -_Bel._ Yes, I have work'd very hard; how do you like it? - -_Lady Brute._ O, 'tis the prettiest Fringe in the World. Well, Cousin, -you have the happiest Fancy: Pr'ythee, advise me about altering my -Crimson Petticoat. - -_Sir John._ A Pox o' your Petticoat! Here's such a Prating, a Man can't -digest his own Thoughts for you. - -_Lady Brute._ Don't answer him. [_Aside._] Well, what do you advise me? - -_Bel._ Why, really, I would not alter it at all. Methinks 'tis very -pretty as it is. - -_Lady Brute._ Ay, that's, true: But you know one grows weary of the -prettiest things in the World, when one has had 'em long. - -_Sir John._ Yes, I have taught her that. - -_Bel._ Shall we provoke him a little? - -_Lady Brute._ With all my Heart. _Belinda_, don't you long to be -marry'd? - -_Bel._ Why, there are some things in it I could like well enough. - -_Lady Brute._ What do you think you shou'd dislike? - -_Bel._ My Husband, a hundred to one else. - -_Lady Brute._ O ye wicked Wretch! Sure you don't speak as you think? - -_Bel._ Yes, I do: especially if he smoak'd Tobacco. - - [_He looks earnestly at 'em._ - -_Lady Brute._ Why, that many times takes off worse Smells. - -_Bel._ Then he must smell very ill indeed. - -_Lady Brute._ So some Men will, to keep their Wives from coming near -'em. - -_Bel._ Then those Wives shou'd cuckold 'em at a distance. - -_He rises in a Fury, throws his Pipe at 'em, and drives 'em out. As -they run off, ~Constant~ and ~Heartfree~ enter. Lady ~Brute~ runs -against ~Constant~._ - -_Sir John._. 'Oons, get you gone up Stairs, you confederating Strumpets -you, o I'll cuckold you, with a Vengeance! - -_Lady Brute._ O Lord, he'll beat us, he'll beat us. Dear, dear Mr. -_Constant_, save us! - - [_Exeunt._ - -_Sir John._ I'll cuckold you, with a Pox. - -_Const._ Heav'n! Sir _John_, what's the matter? - -_Sir John._ Sure, if Women had been ready created, the Devil, instead -of being kick'd down into Hell, had been marry'd. - -_Heart._ Why, what new Plague have you found now? - -_Sir John._ Why, these two Gentlewomen did but hear me say, I expected -you here this Afternoon; upon which they presently resolv'd to take up -the Room, o' purpose to plague me and my Friends. - -_Const._ Was that all? Why, we shou'd have been glad of their Company. - -_Sir John._ Then I should have been weary of yours; for I can't relish -both together. They found fault with my smoaking Tobacco, too; and said -Men stunk. But I have a good mind--to say something. - -_Const._ No, nothing against the Ladies, pray. - -_Sir John._ Split the Ladies! Come, will you sit down? Give us some -Wine, Fellow: You won't smoak? - -_Const._. No; nor drink, neither, at this time--I must ask your Pardon. - -_Sir John._ What, this Mistress of yours runs in your Head! I'll -warrant it's some such squeamish Minx as my Wife, that's grown so -dainty of late, she finds fault even with a dirty Shirt. - -_Heart._ That a Woman may do, and not be very dainty, neither. - -_Sir John._ Pox o' the Women! let's drink. Come, you shall take one -Glass, tho' I send for a Box of Lozenges to sweeten your Mouth after it. - -_Const._ Nay, if one Glass will satisfy you, I'll drink it, without -putting you to that Expence. - -_Sir John._ Why, that's honest. Fill some Wine, Sirrah: So here's to -you, Gentlemen--A Wife's the Devil. To your being both married. - - [_They drink._ - -_Heart._ O, your most humble Servant, Sir. - -_Sir John._ Well, how do you like my Wine? - -_Const._ 'Tis very good, indeed. - -_Heart._ 'Tis admirable. - -_Sir John._ Then give us t'other Glass. - -_Const._ No, pray excuse us now: We'll come another time, and then we -won't spare it. - -_Sir John._ This one Glass, and no more: Come, it shall be your -Mistress's Health: And that's a great Compliment from me, I assure you. - -_Const._ And 'tis a very obliging one to me: So give us the Glasses. - -_Sir John._ So: let her live-- - - [_Sir ~John~ coughs in the Glass._ - -_Heart._ And be kind. - -_Const._ What's the matter? Does it go the wrong way? - -_Sir John._ If I had Love enough to be jealous, I shou'd take this for -an ill Omen: For I never drank my Wife's Health in my Life, but I puk'd -in the Glass. - -_Const._ O, she's too virtuous to make a reasonable Man jealous. - -_Sir John._ Pox of her Virtue! If I cou'd but catch her Adulterating, I -might be divorc'd from her by Law. - -_Heart._ And so pay her a yearly Pension, to be a distinguish'd Cuckold. - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Serv._ Sir, there's my Lord _Rake_, Colonel _Bully_, and some other -Gentlemen at the _Blue-Posts_, desire your Company. - -_Sir John._ Cod's so, we are to consult about playing the Devil -to-night. - -_Heart._ Well, we won't hinder Business. - -_Sir John._ Methinks I don't know how to leave you, tho': But for once -I must make bold. Or look you; may be the Conference mayn't last long: -So, if you'll wait here half an hour, or an hour; if I don't come -then--why, then--I won't come at all. - -_Heart._ [_To ~Const~._] A good modest Proposition, truly! - - [_Aside._ - -_Const._ But let's accept on't, however. Who knows what may happen? - -_Heart._ Well, Sir, to shew you how fond we are of your Company, we'll -expect your Return as long as we can. - -_Sir John._ Nay, may be I mayn't stay at all. But Business, you know, -must be done. So your Servant--Or hark you, if you have a mind to -take a Frisk with us, I have an Interest with my Lord; I can easily -introduce you. - -_Const._ We are much beholden to you; but for my part, I'm engag'd -another way. - -_Sir John._ What! to your Mistress, I'll warrant. Pr'ythee, leave your -nasty Punk to entertain herself with her own lewd Thoughts, and make -one with us to-night. - -_Const._ Sir, 'tis Business that is to employ me. - -_Heart._ And me; and Business must be done, you know. - -_Sir John._ Ay, Women's Business, tho' the World were consum'd for't. - - [_Exit Sir ~John~._ - -_Const._ Farewel, Beast! And now, my dear Friend, would my Mistress -be but as complaisant as some Men's Wives, who think it a piece of -good Breeding to receive the Visits of their Husband's Friends in his -Absence! - -_Heart._ Why, for your sake I could forgive her, tho' she should be -so complaisant to receive something else in his Absence. But what way -shall we invent to see her? - -_Const._ O, ne'er hope it: Invention will prove as vain as Wishes. - - _Enter Lady ~Brute~ and ~Belinda~._ - -_Heart._ What do you think now, Friend? - -_Const._ I think I shall swoon. - -_Heart._ I'll speak first, then, whilst you fetch breath. - -_Lady Brute._ We think ourselves oblig'd, Gentlemen, to come and return -you thanks for your Knight-Errantry. We were just upon being devour'd -by the fiery Dragon. - -_Bel._ Did not his Fumes almost knock you down, Gentlemen? - -_Heart._ Truly, Ladies, we did undergo some Hardships; and should have -done more, if some greater Heroes than ourselves, hard by, had not -diverted him. - -_Const._ Tho' I'm glad of the Service you are pleas'd to say we have -done you, yet I'm sorry we could do it in no other way, than by making -ourselves privy to what you would perhaps have kept a Secret. - -_Lady Brute._ For Sir _John_'s part, I suppose he design'd it no -Secret, since he made so much Noise. And for myself, truly I'm not -much concern'd, since 'tis fallen only into this Gentleman's Hands and -yours; who, I have many Reasons to believe, will neither interpret nor -report any thing to my disadvantage. - -_Const._ Your good Opinion, Madam, was what I fear'd I never could have -merited. - -_Lady Brute._ Your Fears were vain, then, Sir; for I'm just to every -body. - -_Heart._ Pr'ythee, _Constant_, what is't you do to get the Ladies good -Opinions? for I'm a Novice at it. - -_Bel._ Sir, will you give me leave to instruct you? - -_Heart._ Yes, that I will, with all my Soul, Madam. - -_Bel._ Why, then, you must never be slovenly, never be out of humour, -fare well and cry Roast-meat, smoak Tobacco, nor drink but when you are -dry. - -_Heart._ That's hard. - -_Const._ Nay, if you take his Bottle from him, you break his Heart, -Madam. - -_Bel._ Why, is it possible the Gentleman can love Drinking? - -_Heart._ Only by way of Antidote. - -_Bel._ Against what, pray? - -_Heart._ Against Love, Madam. - -_Lady Brute._ Are you afraid of being in Love, Sir? - -_Heart._ I should, if there were any Danger of it. - -_Lady Brute._ Pray why so? - -_Heart._ Because I always had an Aversion to being us'd like a Dog. - -_Bel._ Why, truly, Men in Love are seldom us'd better. - -_Lady Brute._ But was you never in Love, Sir? - -_Heart._ No, I thank Heav'n, Madam. - -_Bel._ Pray, where got you your Learning, then? - -_Heart._ From other People's Expence. - -_Bel._ That's being a Spunger, Sir, which is scarce honest: If you'd -buy some Experience with your own Money, as 'twould be fairlier got, so -'twould stick longer by you. - - _Enter Footman._ - -_Foot._ Madam, here's my Lady _Fancyfull_, to wait upon your Ladyship. - -_Lady Brute._ Shield me, kind Heaven! What an Inundation of -Impertinence is here coming upon us! - - _Enter Lady ~Fancyfull~, who runs first to Lady ~Brute~, - then to ~Belinda~, kissing 'em._ - -_Lady Fan._ My dear Lady _Brute_, and sweet _Belinda_, methinks 'tis an -Age since I saw you. - -_Lady Brute._ Yet 'tis but three Days; sure you have pass'd your time -very ill, it seems so long to you. - -_Lady Fan._ Why, really, to confess the truth to you, I am so -everlastingly fatigu'd with the Addresses of unfortunate Gentlemen, -that, were it not for the Extravagancy of the Example, I shou'd e'en -tear out these wicked Eyes with my own Fingers, to make both myself and -Mankind easy. What think you on't, Mr. _Heartfree_, for I take you to -be my faithful Adviser? - -_Heart._ Why, truly, Madam--I think--every Project that is for the good -of Mankind ought to be encourag'd. - -_Lady Fan._ Then I have your Consent, Sir? - -_Heart._ To do whatever you please, Madam. - -_Lady Fan._ You had a much more limited Complaisance this Morning, -Sir. Would you believe it, Ladies? The Gentleman has been so exceeding -generous, to tell me of above fifty Faults, in less time than it was -well possible for me to commit two of 'em. - -_Const._ Why, truly, Madam, my Friend there is apt to be something -familiar with the Ladies. - -_Lady Fan._ He is, indeed, Sir; but he's wondrous charitable with -it: He has had the Goodness to design a Reformation, even down to my -Fingers-ends.----'Twas thus, I think, Sir, [_Opening her fingers in an -aukward manner._] you'd have had 'em stand--My Eyes, too, he did not -like: How was't you wou'd have directed 'em? Thus, I think. [_Staring -at him._]--Then there was something amiss in my Gait, too: I don't know -well how 'twas; but as I take it, he would have had me walk like him. -Pray, Sir, do me the Favour to take a turn or two about the Room, that -the Company may see you.--He's sullen, Ladies, and won't. But, to make -short, and give you as true an Idea as I can of the matter, I think -'twas much about this Figure, in general, he would have moulded me to: -But I was an obstinate Woman, and could not resolve to make myself -Mistress of his Heart, by growing as aukward as his Fancy. - - [_She walks aukwardly about, staring and looking ungainly, - then changes on a sudden to the Extremity of her - usual Affectation._ - -_Heart._. Just thus Women do, when they think we are in love with em, -or when they are so with us. - - [_Here ~Constant~ and Lady ~Brute~ talk together apart._ - -_Lady Fan._ 'Twould, however, be less Vanity for me to conclude the -former, than you the latter, Sir. - -_Heart._. Madam, all I shall presume to conclude, is, That if I wer in -love, you'd find the means to make me soon weary on't. - -_Lady Fan._ Not by Over-fondness, upon my Word, Sir. But pray let's -stop here; for you are so much govern'd by Instinct, I know you'll grow -brutish at last. - -_Bel._ [_Aside._] Now am I sure she's fond of him: I'll try to make her -jealous. Well, for my part, I should be glad to find somebody would be -so free with me, that I might know my Faults, and mend 'em. - -_Lady Fan._ Then pray let me recommend this Gentleman to you: I -have known him some time, and will be Surety for him, that upon a -very limited Encouragement on your side, you shall find an extended -Impudence on his. - -_Heart._ I thank you, Madam, for your Recommendation: But hating -Idleness, I'm unwilling to enter into a Place where I believe there -would be nothing to do. I was fond of serving your Ladyship, because I -knew you'd find me constant Employment. - -_Lady Fan._ I told you he'd be rude, _Belinda_. - -_Bel._ O, a little Bluntness is a sign of Honesty, which makes me -always ready to pardon it. So, Sir, if you have no other Exceptions to -my Service, but the fear of being idle in it, you may venture to lift -yourself: I shall find you Work, I warrant you. - -_Heart._ Upon those Terms I engage, Madam; and this (with your leave) I -take for Earnest. - - [_Offering to kiss her Hand._ - -_Bel._ Hold there, Sir; I'm none of your Earnest-givers. But if I'm -well serv'd, I give good Wages, and pay punctually. - - [_~Heartf~. and ~Bel~. seem to continue talking familiarly._ - -_Lady Fan._ [_Aside._] I don't like this jesting between 'em--Methinks -the Fool begins to look as if he were in earnest.----But then he must -be a Fool, indeed.----Lard, what a Difference there is between me and -her! [_Looking at ~Bel~. scornfully._] How I shou'd despise such a -Thing, if I were a Man!----What a Nose she has!--What a Chin----What -a Neck!----Then her Eyes----And the worst kissing Lips in the -Universe----No, no, he can never like her, that's positive----Yet I -can't suffer 'em together any longer. Mr. _Heartfree_, do you know that -you and I must have no Quarrel for all this? I can't forbear being a -little severe now and then: But Women, you know, may be allowed any -thing. - -_Heart._ Up to a certain Age, Madam. - -_Lady Fan._ Which I'm not yet past, I hope. - -_Heart._ [_Aside._] Nor never will, I dare swear. - -_Lady Fan._ [_To Lady ~Brute~._] Come, Madam, will your Ladyship be -Witness to our Reconciliation? - -_Lady Brute._ You agree, then, at last? - -_Heart._ [_Slightingly._] We forgive. - -_Lady Fan._ [_Aside._] That was a cold, ill-natur'd Reply. - -_Lady Brute._ Then there's no Challenges sent between you? - -_Heart._ Not from me, I promise. [_Aside to ~Constant~._] But that's -more than I'll do for her; for I know she can as well be damn'd as -forbear writing to me. - -_Const._ That I believe. But I think we had best be going, lest she -should suspect something, and be malicious. - -_Heart._ With all my heart. - -_Const._ Ladies, we are your humble Servants. I see Sir _John_ is quite -engag'd, 'twould be in vain to expect him. Come, _Heartfree_. - - [_Exit._ - -_Heart._ Ladies, your Servant. [_To ~Belinda~._] I hope, Madam, you -won't forget our Bargain; I'm to say what I please to you. - - [_Exit ~Heartfree~._ - -_Bel._ Liberty of Speech entire, Sir. - -_Lady Fan._ [_Aside._] Very pretty truly--But how the Blockhead went -out--languishing at her, and not a Look toward me!--Well, Churchmen may -talk, but Miracles are not ceas'd. For 'tis more than natural, such -a rude Fellow as he, and such a little Impertinent as she, should be -capable of making a Woman of my Sphere uneasy. But I can bear her sight -no longer----methinks she's grown ten times uglier than _Cornet_. I -must home, and study Revenge. [_To Lady ~Brute~._] Madam, your humble -Servant; I must take my leave. - -_Lady Brute._ What, going already, Madam? - -_Lady Fan._ I must beg you'll excuse me this once; for really I have -eighteen Visits to return this Afternoon: So you see I'm importun'd by -the Women as well as the Men. - -_Bel._ [_Aside._] And she's quits with them both. - -_Lady Fan._ [_Going._] Nay, you shan't go one Step out of the Room. - -_Lady Brute._ Indeed I'll wait upon you down. - -_Lady Fan._ No, sweet Lady _Brute_, you know I swoon at Ceremony. - -_Lady Brute._ Pray give me leave. - -_Lady Fan._ You know I won't. - -_Lady Brute._ Indeed I must. - -_Lady Fan._ Indeed you shan't. - -_Lady Brute._ Indeed I will. - -_Lady Fan._. Indeed you shan't. - -_Lady Brute._ Indeed I will. - -_Lady Fan._ Indeed you shan't. Indeed, indeed, indeed you shan't. - - [_Exit Lady ~Fan~. running; they follow._ - - _Re-enter Lady ~Brute~ sola._ - -This impertinent Woman has put me out of Humour for a Fortnight----What -an agreeable Moment has her foolish Visit interrupted! Lord, how like -a Torrent Love flows into the Heart, when once the Sluice of Desire is -open'd! Good Gods! What a Pleasure there is in doing what we should not -do! - - _Re-enter ~Constant~._ - -Ha! here again? - -_Const._ Tho' the renewing my Visit may seem a little irregular, I hope -I shall obtain your Pardon for it, Madam, when you know I only left the -Room, lest the Lady who was here should have been as malicious in her -Remarks as she's foolish in her Conduct. - -_Lady Brute._ He who has Discretion enough to be tender of a Woman's -Reputation, carries a Virtue about him may atone for a great many -Faults. - -_Const._ If it has a Title to atone for any, its Pretensions must needs -be strongest where the Crime is Love. I therefore hope I shall be -forgiven the Attempt I have made upon your Heart, since my Enterprize -has been a Secret to all the World but yourself. - -_Lady Brute._ Secrecy, indeed, in Sins of this kind, is an Argument -of weight to lessen the Punishment; but nothing's a Plea for a Pardon -entire, without a sincere Repentance. - -_Const._ If Sincerity in Repentance consists in Sorrow for offending, -no Cloyster ever inclos'd so true a Penitent as I should be. But I hope -it cannot be reckon'd an Offence to love where 'tis a Duty to adore. - -_Lady Brute._ 'Tis an Offence, a great one, where it would rob a Woman -of all she ought to be ador'd for--her Virtue. - -_Const._ Virtue?--Virtue, alas! is no more like the thing that's -call'd so, than 'tis like Vice itself. Virtue consists in Goodness, -Honour, Gratitude, Sincerity, and Pity; and not in peevish, snarling, -strait-lac'd Chastity. True Virtue, wheresoever it moves, still carries -an intrinsick Worth about it, and is in every Place, and in each Sex, -of equal Value. So is not Continence, you see: That Phantom of Honour, -which Men in every Age have so contemned, they have thrown it amongst -the Women to scrabble for. - -_Lady Brute._ If it be a thing of so little Value, why do you so -earnestly recommend it to your Wives and Daughters? - -_Const._ We recommend it to our Wives, Madam, because we wou'd keep 'em -to ourselves; and to our Daughters, because we wou'd dispose of 'em to -others. - -_Lady Brute._ 'Tis then, of some Importance, it seems, since you can't -dispose of them without it. - -_Const._ That Importance, Madam, lies in the Humour of the Country, not -in the Nature of the Thing. - -_Lady Brute._ How do you prove that, Sir? - -_Const._ From the Wisdom of a neighbouring Nation in a contrary -Practice. In Monarchies, things go by Whimsy; but Commonwealths weigh -all things in the Scale of Reason. - -_Lady Brute._ I hope we are not so very light a People, to bring up -Fashions without some ground. - -_Const._ Pray what does your Ladyship think of a powder'd Coat for deep -Mourning? - -_Lady Brute._ I think, Sir, your Sophistry has all the effect that you -can reasonably expect it should have; it puzzles, but don't convince. - -_Const._ I'm sorry for it. - -_Lady Brute._ I'm sorry to hear you say so. - -_Const._ Pray why? - -_Lady Brute._ Because, if you expected more from it, you have a worse -Opinion of my Understanding than I desire you should have. - -_Const._ [_Aside._] I comprehend her: She would have me set a Value -upon her Chastity, that I might think myself the more oblig'd to her -when she makes me a Present of it. [_To her._] I beg you will believe I -did but rally, Madam; I know you judge too well of Right and Wrong, to -be deceiv'd by Arguments like those. I hope you'll have so favourable -an Opinion of my Understanding too, to believe the thing call'd Virtue -has Worth enough with me, to pass for an eternal Obligation where'er -'tis sacrific'd. - -_Lady Brute._ It is, I think, so great a one as nothing can repay. - -_Const._ Yes; the making the Man you love your everlasting Debtor. - -_Lady Brute._ When Debtors once have borrow'd all we have to lend, they -are very apt to grow shy of their Creditors' Company. - -_Const._ That, Madam, is only when they are forc'd to borrow of -Usurers, and not of a generous Friend. Let us choose our Creditors, and -we are seldom so ungrateful to shun 'em. - -_Lady Brute._ What think you of Sir _John_, Sir? I was his free Choice. - -_Const._ I think he's married, Madam. - -_Lady Brute._ Does Marriage, then, exclude Men from your Rule of -Constancy? - -_Const._ It does. Constancy's a brave, free, haughty, generous Agent, -that cannot buckle to the Chains of Wedlock. There's a poor sordid -Slavery in Marriage, that turns the flowing Tide of Honour, and sinks -us to the lowest Ebb of Infamy. 'Tis a corrupted Soil: Ill-Nature, -Avarice, Sloth, Cowardice, and Dirt, are all its Product. - -_Lady Brute._ Have you no Exceptions to this general Rule, as well as -to t'other? - -_Const._ Yes; I would, after all, be an Exception to it myself, if you -were free in Power and Will to make me so. - -_Lady Brute._ Compliments are well plac'd where 'tis impossible to lay -hold on 'em. - -_Const._ I wou'd to Heaven 'twere possible for you to lay hold on mine, -that you might see it is no Compliment at all. But since you are -already dispos'd of, beyond Redemption, to one who does not know the -Value of the Jewel you have put into his Hands, I hope you wou'd not -think him greatly wrong'd, tho' it should sometimes be look'd on by a -Friend, who knows how to esteem it as he ought. - -_Lady Brute._ If looking on't alone wou'd serve his turn, the Wrong, -perhaps, might not be very great. - -_Const._ Why, what if he shou'd wear it now and then a Day, so he gave -good Security to bring it home again at Night? - -_Lady Brute._ Small Security, I fancy, might serve for that. One might -venture to take his Word. - -_Const._ Then, where's the Injury to the Owner? - -_Lady Brute._ 'Tis an Injury to him, if he think it one. For if -Happiness be seated in the Mind, Unhappiness must be so too. - -_Const._ Here I close with you, Madam, and draw my conclusive Argument -from your own Position: If the Injury lie in the Fancy, there needs -nothing but Secrecy to prevent the Wrong. - -_Lady Brute._ [_Going._] A surer way to prevent it, is to hear no more -Arguments in its behalf. - -_Const._ [_Following her._] But, Madam---- - -_Lady Brute._ But, Sir, 'tis my turn to be discreet now, and not suffer -too long a Visit. - -_Const._ [_Catching her Hand._] By Heaven, you shall not stir, till you -give me hopes that I shall see you again at some more convenient Time -and Place! - -_Lady Brute._ I give you just hopes enough----[_Breaking from him._] to -get loose from you: and that's all I can afford you at this time. - - [_Exit running._ - - _~Constant~ solus._ - -Now, by all that's great and good, she is a charming Woman! In what -Extasy of Joy she has left me! For she gave me Hope, did she not say -she gave me Hope?--Hope! Ay: what Hope? Enough to make me let her -go--Why, that's enough in Conscience. Or, no matter how 'twas spoke: -Hope was the Word: it came from her, and it was said to me. - - _Enter ~Heartfree~._ - -Ha, _Heartfree_! Thou hast done me noble Service in prattling to the -young Gentlewoman without there; come to my Arms, thou venerable Bawd, -and let me squeeze thee [_Embracing him eagerly._] as a new Pair of -Stays does a fat Country Girl, when she's carried to Court to stand for -a Maid of Honour. - -_Heart._ Why, what the Devil's all this Rapture for? - -_Const._ Rapture! There's ground for Rapture, Man; there's Hopes, my -_Heartfree_, Hopes, my Friend! - -_Heart._ Hopes! of what? - -_Const._ Why, Hopes that my Lady and I together (for 'tis more than one -Body's Work) should make Sir _John_ a Cuckold. - -_Heart._ Pr'ythee, what did she say to thee? - -_Const._ Say? What did she not say? She said that----says she--she -said--Zoons, I don't know what she said; but she look'd as if she said -every thing I'd have her. And so, if thou'lt go to the Tavern, I'll -treat thee with any thing that Gold can buy; I'll give all my Silver -amongst the Drawers, make a Bonfire before the Door; say the Plenipo's -have sign'd the Peace, and the Bank of _England_'s grown honest. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+ _opens; Lord ~Rake~, Sir ~John~, &c. at a Table, drinking._ - -_All._ Huzza! - -_Lord Rake._ Come, Boys, charge again----So--Confusion to all Order! -Here's Liberty of Conscience. - -_All._ Huzza! - -_Lord Rake._ I'll sing you a Song I made this Morning to this purpose. - -_Sir John._ 'Tis wicked, I hope. - -_Col. Bully._ Don't my Lord tell you he made it? - -_Sir John._ Well, then, let's ha't. - -Lord _Rake_ Sings. - - I. - - _What a Pother of late - Have they kept in the State, - About setting our Consciences free! - A Bottle has more - Dispensations in store, - Than the King and the State can decree._ - - II. - - _When my Head's full of Wine, - I o'erflow with Design, - And know no ~Penal-Laws~ that can curb me: - Whate'er I devise - Seems good in my Eyes, - And Religion ne'er dares to disturb me._ - - III. - - _No saucy Remorse - Intrudes in my Course, - Nor impertinent Notions of Evil; - So there's Claret in store, - In Peace I've my Whore, - And in Peace I jog on to the Devil._ - - All sing. _So there's Claret_, &c. - -_Lord Rake._ [Rep.] _And in Peace I jog on to the Devil._ Well, how do -you like it, Gentlemen? - -_All._ O, admirable! - -_Sir John._ I would not give a Fig for a Song that is not full of Sin -and Impudence. - -_Lord Rake._ Then my Muse is to your Taste. But drink away; the Night -steals upon us; we shall want Time to be lewd in. Hey, Page! Sally out, -Sirrah, and see what's doing in the Camp; we'll beat up their Quarters -presently. - -_Page._ I'll bring your Lordship an exact Account. - - [_Exit Page._ - -_Lord Rake._. Now let the Spirit of Clary go round. Fill me a Brimmer -Here's to our Forlorn Hope. Courage, Knight, Victory attends you. - -_Sir John._ And Laurels shall crown me; drink away, and be damn'd. - -_Lord Rake._ Again, Boys; t'other Glass, and damn Morality. - -_Sir John._ [_Drunk._] Ay--damn Morality--and damn the Watch. And let -the Constable be married. - -_All._ Huzza! - -_Re-enter Page._ - -_Lord Rake._ How are the Streets inhabited, Sirrah? - -_Page._ My Lord, 'tis Sunday-night; they are full of drunken Citizens. - -_Lord Rake._ Along, then, Boys, we shall have a Feast. - -_Col. Bully._ Along, noble Knight. - -_Sir John._ Ay----along, _Bully_; and he that says Sir _John Brute_ is -not as drunk and as religious as the drunkenest Citizen of them all--is -a Liar, and the Son of a Whore. - -_Col. Bully._ Why, that was bravely spoke, and like a free-born -_Englishman_. - -_Sir John._ What's that to you, Sir, whether I am an _Englishman_ or a -_Frenchman_? - -_Col. Bully._ Zoons, you are not angry, Sir? - -_Sir John._ Zoons, I am angry, Sir----for if I'm a free-born -_Englishman_, what have you to do even to talk of my Privileges? - -_Lord Rake._ Why, pr'ythee, Knight, don't quarrel here; leave private -Animosities to be decided by Day-light; let the Night be employ'd -against the publick Enemy. - -_Sir John._ My Lord, I respect you because you are a Man of Quality. -But I'll make that Fellow know, I am within a Hair's breadth as -absolute by my Privileges, as the King of _France_ is by his -Prerogative. He by his Prerogative takes Money where it is not his -due; I by my Privilege refuse paying it where I owe it. Liberty and -Property, and _Old England_, Huzza! - -_All._ Huzza! - - [_Exit Sir ~John~ reeling, all following him._ - - -+SCENE+, _A Bed-Chamber._ - - _Enter ~Lady Brute~ and ~Belinda~._ - -_Lady Brute._ Sure 'tis late, _Belinda_; I begin to be sleepy. - -_Bel._ Yes, 'tis near Twelve. Will you go to Bed? - -_Lady Brute._ To Bed, my Dear? And by that time I am fallen into a -sweet Sleep (or perhaps a sweet Dream, which is better and better) Sir -_John_ will come home roaring drunk, and be overjoy'd he finds me in a -Condition to be disturb'd. - -_Bel._ O, you need not fear him; he's in for all Night. The Servants -say he's gone to drink with my Lord _Rake_. - -_Lady Brute._ Nay, 'tis not very likely, indeed, such suitable Company -should part presently. What Hogs Men turn, _Belinda_, when they grow -weary of Women! - -_Bel._ And what Owls they are, whilst they are fond of 'em! - -_Lady Brute._ But That we may forgive well enough, because they are so -upon our accounts. - -_Bel._ We ought to do so, indeed; but 'tis a hard matter. For when a -Man is really in love, he looks so unsufferably silly, that tho' a -Woman lik'd him well enough before, she has then much ado to endure -the Sight of him: And this I take to be the Reason why Lovers are so -generally ill-us'd. - -_Lady Brute._ Well, I own, now, I'm well enough pleased to see a Man -look like an Ass for me. - -_Bel._ Ay, I'm pleas'd he should look like an Ass, too;--that is, I'm -pleased with myself for making him look so. - -_Lady Brute._ Nay, truly, I think if he'd find some other way to -express his Passion, 'twould be more to his advantage. - -_Bel._ Yes; for then a Woman might like his Passion and him too. - -_Lady Brute._ Yet, _Belinda_, after all, a Woman's Life would be but -a dull Business, if it were not for Men; and Men that can look like -Asses, too. We shou'd never blame Fate for the shortness of our Days; -our Time would hang wretchedly upon our Hands. - -_Bel._ Why, truly, they do help us off with a good share on't: For -were there no Men in the World, o'my Conscience, I shou'd be no longer -a-dressing than I'm a-saying my Prayers; nay, tho' it were Sunday: For -you know that one may go to Church without Stays on. - -_Lady Brute._ But don't you think Emulation might do something? For -every Woman you see desires to be finer than her Neighbour. - -_Bel._ That's only that the Men may like her better than her Neighbour. -No, if there were no Men, adieu fine Petticoats, we should be weary of -wearing 'em. - -_Lady Brute._ And adieu Plays, we should be weary of seeing 'em. - -_Bel._ Adieu _Hyde Park_, the Dust would choak us. - -_Lady Brute._ Adieu _St. James_'s, walking would tire us. - -_Bel._ Adieu _London_, the Smoke would stifle us. - -_Lady Brute._ And adieu going to Church, for Religion wou'd ne'er -prevail with us. - -_Both._ Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! - -_Bel._ Our Confession is so very hearty, sure we merit Absolution. - -_Lady Brute._ Not unless we go thro' with't, and confess all. So, -pr'ythee, for the Ease of our Consciences, let's hide nothing. - -_Bel._ Agreed. - -_Lady Brute._ Why, then, I confess, that I love to sit in the -Fore-front of a Box; for if one sits behind, there's two Acts gone, -perhaps, before one's found out. And when I am there, if I perceive the -Men whispering and looking upon me, you must know I cannot for my Life -forbear thinking they talk to my Advantage; and that sets a thousand -little tickling Vanities on foot---- - -_Bel._ Just my Case, for all the World; but go on. - -_Lady Brute._ I watch with Impatience for the next Jest in the Play, -that I might laugh, and shew my white Teeth. If the Poet has been -dull, and the Jest be long a-coming, I pretend to whisper one to my -Friend, and from thence fall into a little small Discourse, in which I -take occasion to shew my Face in all Humours, brisk, pleas'd, serious, -melancholy, languishing----Not that what we say to one another causes -any of these alterations. But---- - -_Bel._ Don't trouble yourself to explain. For if I'm not mistaken, you -and I have had some of these necessary Dialogues before now with the -same Intention. - -_Lady Brute._ Why, I swear, _Belinda_, some People do give strange -agreeable Airs to their Faces in speaking. Tell me true--Did you never -practise in the Glass? - -_Bel._ Why, did you? - -_Lady Brute._ Yes, 'faith, many a time. - -_Bel._ And I too, I own it; both how to speak myself, and how to look -when others speak. But my Glass and I could never yet agree what Face I -should make when they come blunt out with a nasty thing in a Play: For -all the Men presently look upon the Women, that's certain: so laugh we -must not, tho' our Stays burst for't, because that's telling Truth, and -owning we understand the Jest. And to look serious is so dull, when the -whole House is a laughing-- - -_Lady Brute._ Besides, that looking serious does really betray our -Knowledge in the matter, as much as laughing with the Company would do: -For if we did not understand the thing, we shou'd naturally do like -other People. - -_Bel._ For my part, I always take that occasion to blow my Nose. - -_Lady Brute._ You must blow your Nose half off, then, at some Plays. - -_Bel._ Why don't some Reformer or other be at the Poet for't? - -_Lady Brute._ Because he is not so sure of our private Approbation, -as of our publick Thanks. Well, sure there is not upon Earth so -impertinent a thing as Women's Modesty. - -_Bel._ Yes: Men's Fantasque, that obliges us to it. If we quit our -Modesty, they say we lose our Charms: and yet they know that very -Modesty is Affectation, and rail at our Hypocrisy. - -_Lady Brute._ Thus, one would think 'twere a hard matter to please 'em, -Niece; yet our kind Mother Nature has given us something that makes -amends for all. Let our Weakness be what it will, Mankind will still -be weaker; and whilst there is a World, 'tis Woman that will govern -it. But, pr'ythee, one Word of poor _Constant_ before we go to bed, if -it be but to furnish matter for Dreams: I dare swear he's talking of -me now, or thinking of me at least, tho' it be in the middle of his -Prayers. - -_Bel._ So he ought, I think; for you were pleas'd to make him a good -round Advance to-day, Madam. - -_Lady Brute._ Why, I have e'en plagu'd him enough to satisfy any -reasonable Woman: He has besieg'd me these two Years, to no purpose. - -_Bel._ And if he besieg'd you two Years more, he'd be well enough -pay'd, so he had the plundering of you at last. - -_Lady Brute._ That may be; but I'm afraid the Town won't be able to -hold out much longer: for to confess the Truth to you, _Belinda_, the -Garrison begins to grow mutinous. - -_Bel._ Then the sooner you capitulate, the better. - -_Lady Brute._ Yet, methinks, I wou'd fain stay a little longer to see -you fix'd too, that we might start together, and see who cou'd love -longest. What think you, if _Heartfree_ shou'd have a Month's Mind to -you? - -_Bel._ Why, 'faith, I cou'd almost be in love with him for despising -that foolish, affected Lady _Fancyfull_; but I'm afraid he's too cold -ever to warm himself by my Fire. - -_Lady Brute._ Then he deserves to be froze to death. Wou'd I were a Man -for your sake, dear Rogue! [_Kissing her._] - -_Bel._ You'd wish yourself a Woman again for your own, or the Men are -mistaken. But if I cou'd make a Conquest of this Son of _Bacchus_, and -rival his Bottle, what shou'd I do with him? He has no Fortune, I can't -marry him: and sure you wou'd not have me commit Fornication? - -_Lady Brute._ Why, if you did, Child, 'twould be but a good friendly -part; if 'twere only to keep me in countenance whilst I commit--you -know what. - -_Bel._ Well, if I can't resolve to serve you that way, I may perhaps -some other, as much to your Satisfaction. But pray how shall we -contrive to see these Blades again quickly? - -_Lady Brute._ We must e'en have recourse to the old way; make 'em an -Appointment 'twixt Jest and Earnest; 'twill look like a Frolick, and -that you know 's a very good thing to save a Woman's Blushes. - -_Bel._ You advise well; but where shall it be? - -_Lady Brute._ In _Spring Garden_. But they shan't know their Women, -till their Women pull off their Masks; for a Surprize is the most -agreeable thing in the World: And I find myself in a very good Humour, -ready to do 'em any good turn I can think on. - -_Bel._ Then pray write 'em the necessary Billet, without farther delay. - -_Lady Brute._ Let's go into your Chamber, then, and whilst you say your -Prayers I'll do it, Child. - - [_Exeunt._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ IV. - - -+SCENE+, _Covent Garden_. - - _Enter Lord ~Rake~, Sir ~John~, &c. with Swords drawn._ - -_Lord Rake._ Is the Dog dead? - -_Col. Bully._ No, damn him, I heard him wheeze. - -_Lord Rake._ How the Witch his Wife howl'd! - -_Col. Bully._ Ay, she'll alarm the Watch presently. - -_Lord Rake._ Appear, Knight, then; come, you have a good Cause to fight -for--there's a Man murder'd. - -_Sir John._ Is there? Then let his Ghost be satisfy'd; for I'll -sacrifice a Constable to it presently, and burn his Body upon his -wooden Chair. - - _Enter a Taylor, with a Bundle under his Arm._ - -_Col. Bully._ How now? What have we got here? A Thief. - -_Taylor._ No, an't please you, I'm no Thief. - -_Lord Rake._ That we'll see presently: Here, let the General examine -him. - -_Sir John._ Ay, ay, let me examine him, and I'll lay a hundred Pound I -find him guilty, in spite of his Teeth--for he looks--like a--sneaking -Rascal. Come, Sirrah, without Equivocation or mental Reservation, tell -me of what Opinion you are, and what Calling; for by them----I shall -guess at your Morals. - -_Taylor._ An't please you, I'm a Dissenting Journeyman Taylor. - -_Sir John._ Then, Sirrah, you love Lying by your Religion, and Theft -by your Trade: And so, that your Punishment may be suitable to your -Crimes--I'll have you first gagg'd--and then hang'd. - -_Tayl._ Pray, good worthy Gentlemen, don't abuse me: indeed I'm an -honest Man, and a good Workman, tho' I say it, that should not say it. - -_Sir John._ No Words, Sirrah, but attend your Fate. - -_Lord Rake._ Let me see what's in that Bundle. - -_Tayl._ An't please you, it is the Doctor of the Parish's Gown. - -_Lord Rake._ The Doctor's Gown!----Hark you, Knight, you won't stick at -abusing the Clergy, will you? - -_Sir John._ No, I'm drunk, and I'll abuse any thing--but my Wife; and -her I name--with Reverence. - -_Lord Rake._ Then you shall wear this Gown, whilst you charge the -Watch; that tho' the Blows fall upon you, the Scandal may light upon -the Church. - -_Sir John._ A generous Design----by all the Gods----give it me. - - [_Takes the Gown, and puts it on._ - -_Tayl._ O dear Gentlemen, I shall be quite undone, if you take the Gown. - -_Sir John._ Retire, Sirrah; and since you carry off your Skin--go home -and be happy. - -_Tayl._ [_Pausing._] I think I had e'en as good follow the Gentleman's -friendly Advice; for if I dispute any longer, who knows but the Whim -may take him to case me? These Courtiers are fuller of Tricks than they -are of Money; they'll sooner cut a Man's Throat, than pay his Bill. - - [_Exit ~Taylor~._ - -_Sir John._ So, how do you like my Shapes now? - -_Lord Rake._ This will do to a Miracle; he looks like a Bishop going to -the Holy War. But to your Arms, Gentlemen, the Enemy appears. - - _Enter Constable and Watch._ - -_Watch._ Stand! Who goes there? Come before the Constable. - -_Sir John._ The Constable is a Rascal----and you are the Son of a Whore. - -_Watch._ A good civil Answer for a Parson, truly! - -_Constab._ Methinks, Sir, a Man of your Coat might set a better Example. - -_Sir John._ Sirrah, I'll make you know----there are Men of my Coat can -set as bad Examples----as you can do, you Dog, you. - - [_Sir ~John~ strikes the Constable. They knock him down, - disarm him, and seize him. Lord Rake, &c. run away._ - -_Constab._ So, we have secur'd the Parson, however. - -_Sir John._ Blood, and Blood----and Blood. - -_Watch._ Lord have mercy upon us! How the wicked Wretch raves of Blood! -I'll warrant he has been murdering some body to-night. - -_Sir John._ Sirrah, there's nothing got by Murder but a Halter: My -Talent lies towards Drunkenness and Simony. - -_Watch._ Why, that now was spoke like a Man of Parts, Neighbours; 'tis -pity he shou'd be so disguised. - -_Sir John._ You lye----I'm not disguis'd; for I am drunk barefac'd. - -_Watch._ Look you there again--This is a mad Parson, Mr. _Constable_; -I'll lay a Pot of Ale upon 's Head, he's a good Preacher. - -_Constab._ Come, Sir, out of respect to your Calling, I shan't put you -into the Round-house; but we must secure you in our Drawing-room till -Morning, that you may do no Mischief. So, come along. - -_Sir John._ You may put me where you will, Sirrah, now you have -overcome me----But if I can't do Mischief, I'll think of Mischief--in -spite of your Teeth, you Dog, you. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _A Bed-Chamber._ - - _Enter ~Heartfree~ solus._ - -What the Plague ails me?----Love? No, I thank you for that, my -Heart's Rock still----Yet 'tis _Belinda_ that disturbs me; that's -positive----Well, what of all that? Must I love her for being -troublesome? At that rate I might love all the Women I meet, I'gad. But -hold!--Tho' I don't love her for disturbing me, yet she may disturb me, -because I love her----Ay, that may be, 'faith. I have dreamt of her, -that's certain----Well, so I have of my Mother; therefore what's that -to the purpose? Ay, but _Belinda_ runs in my Mind waking--and so does -many a damn'd thing that I don't care a Farthing for----Methinks, tho', -I would fain be talking to her, and yet I have no Business----Well, am -I the first Man that has had a Mind to do an impertinent thing? - - _Enter ~Constant~._ - -_Const._ How now, _Heartfree_? What makes you up and dress'd so soon? I -thought none but Lovers quarrell'd with their Beds; I expected to have -found you snoring, as I us'd to do. - -_Heart._ Why, 'faith, Friend, 'tis the Care I have of your Affairs, -that makes me so thoughtful; I have been studying all Night how to -bring your matter about with _Belinda_. - -_Const._ With _Belinda_? - -_Heart._ With my Lady, I mean: And, 'faith, I have mighty Hopes -on't. Sure you must be very well satisfied with her Behaviour to you -yesterday? - -_Const._ So well, that nothing but a Lover's Fears can make me doubt of -Success. But what can this sudden Change proceed from? - -_Heart._ Why, you saw her Husband beat her, did you not? - -_Const._ That's true: A Husband is scarce to be borne upon any terms, -much less when he fights with his Wife. Methinks, she shou'd e'en have -cuckolded him upon the very spot, to shew that after the Battle she was -Master of the Field. - -_Heart._ A Council of War of Women wou'd infallibly have advis'd her -to't. But, I confess, so agreeable a Woman as _Belinda_ deserves better -Usage. - -_Const._ _Belinda_ again! - -_Heart._ My Lady, I mean. What a Pox makes me blunder so to-day? -[_Aside._] A Plague of this treacherous Tongue! - -_Const._ Pr'ythee, look upon me seriously, _Heartfree_--Now answer me -directly: Is it my Lady, or _Belinda_, employs your careful Thoughts -thus? - -_Heart._ My Lady, or _Belinda_? - -_Const._ In Love; by this Light, in Love. - -_Heart._ In Love! - -_Const._ Nay, ne'er deny it; for thou'lt do it so aukwardly, 'twill but -make the Jest sit heavier about thee. My dear Friend, I give thee much -Joy. - -_Heart._ Why, pr'ythee, you won't persuade me to it, will you? - -_Const._ That she's Mistress of your Tongue, that's plain; and I know -you are so honest a Fellow, your Tongue and Heart always go together. -But how, but how the Devil? Pha, ha, ha, ha-- - -_Heart._ Hey-dey! Why, sure you don't believe it in earnest? - -_Const._ Yes, I do, because I see you deny it in jest. - -_Heart._ Nay, but look you, _Ned_--a----deny in jest----a----gadzooks, -you know I say----a----when a Man denies a thing in jest--a-- - -_Const._ Pha, ha, ha, ha, ha. - -_Heart._ Nay, then we shall have it: What, because a Man stumbles at a -Word: did you never make a Blunder? - -_Const._ Yes; for I am in Love, I own it. - -_Heart._ Then, so am I--Now laugh till thy Soul's glutted with Mirth. -[_Embracing him._] But, dear _Constant_, don't tell the Town on't. - -_Const._ Nay, then, 'twere almost pity to laugh at thee, after so -honest a Confession. But tell us a little, _Jack_, by what new-invented -Arms has this mighty Stroke been given? - -_Heart._ E'en by that unaccountable Weapon call'd _Je-ne-sçai-quoy_: -For every thing that can come within the Verge of Beauty, I have seen -it with indifference. - -_Const._ So in few Words, then, the _Je-ne-sçai-quoy_ has been too hard -for the quilted Petticoat. - -_Heart._ I'gad, I think the _Je-ne-sçai-quoy_ is in the quilted -Petticoat; at least 'tis certain, I ne'er think on't without----a----a -_Je-ne-sçai-quoy_ in every Part about me. - -_Const._ Well, but have all your Remedies lost their Virtue? Have you -turn'd her inside out yet? - -_Heart._ I dare not so much as think on't. - -_Const._ But don't the two Years Fatigue I have had discourage you? - -_Heart._ Yes: I dread what I foresee; yet cannot quit the Enterprize. -Like some Soldiers, whose Courage dwells more in their Honour, than -their Nature--on they go, tho' the Body trembles at what the Soul makes -it undertake. - -_Const._ Nay, if you expect your Mistress will use you as your -Profanations against her Sex deserve, you tremble justly. But how do -you intend to proceed, Friend? - -_Heart._ Thou know'st I'm but a Novice; be friendly, and advise me. - -_Const._ Why, look you, then: I'd have you--Serenade and a----write -a Song----Go to Church; Look like a Fool----Be very officious; Ogle, -write and lead out: And who knows but in a Year or two's time you may -be----call'd a troublesome Puppy, and sent about your Business. - -_Heart._ That's hard. - -_Const._ Yet thus it oft falls out with Lovers, Sir. - -_Heart._ Pox on me for making one of the Number! - -_Const._ Have a care: Say no saucy things; 'twill but augment your -Crime; and if your Mistress hears on't, increase your Punishment. - -_Heart._ Pr'ythee say something, then, to encourage me; you know I -help'd you in your Distress. - -_Const._ Why, then, to encourage you to Perseverance, tho' you may be -thoroughly ill-us'd for your Offences; I'll put you in mind, that even -the coyest Ladies of 'em all are made up of Desires, as well as we; and -tho' they do hold out a long time, they will capitulate at last. For -that thundering Engineer, Nature, does make such havock in the Town, -they must surrender at long run, or perish in their own Flames. - - _Enter a Footman._ - -_Foot._ Sir, there's a Porter without with a Letter; he desires to give -it into your own Hands. - -_Const._ Call him in. - - _Enter Porter._ - -_Const._ What, _Joe_! Is it thee? - -_Porter._ An't please you, Sir, I was order'd to deliver this into your -own Hands by two well-shap'd Ladies, at the _New Exchange_. I was at -your Honour's Lodgings, and your Servants sent me hither. - -_Const._ 'Tis well; are you to carry any Answer? - -_Porter._ No, my noble Master. They gave me my Orders, and whip they -were gone, like a Maidenhead at Fifteen. - -_Const._ Very well; there. - - [_Gives him Money._ - -_Porter._ God bless your Honour! - - [_Exit Porter._ - -_Const._ Now let's see what honest, trusty _Joe_ has brought us. - - _Reads._ - - _If you and your Play-Fellow can spare time from your Business and - Devotions, don't fail to be at ~Spring-Garden~ about Eight in the - Evening. You'll find nothing there but Women, so you need bring no - other Arms than what you usually carry about you._ - -So, Play-fellow: here's something to stay your Stomach till your -Mistress's Dish is ready for you. - -_Heart._ Some of our old batter'd Acquaintance. I won't go, not I. - -_Const._ Nay, that you can't avoid; there's Honour in the Case; 'tis a -Challenge, and I want a Second. - -_Heart._ I doubt I shall be but a very useless one to you; for I'm so -dishearten'd by this Wound _Belinda_ has given me, I don't think I -shall have Courage enough to draw my Sword. - -_Const._ O, if that be all, come along; I'll warrant you find Sword -enough for such Enemies as we have to deal withal. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _A Street_. - - _Enter Constable, &c. with Sir ~John~._ - -_Constab._ Come along, Sir; I thought to have let you slip this -Morning, because you were a Minister; but you are as drunk and as -abusive as ever. We'll see what the Justice of the Peace will say to -you. - -_Sir John._ And you shall see what I'll say to the Justice of the -Peace, Sirrah. - - [_They knock at the Door._ - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Constab._ Pray, acquaint his Worship, we have got an unruly Parson -here: We are unwilling to expose him, but don't know what to do with -him. - -_Serv._ I'll acquaint my Master. - - [_Exit Serv._ - -_Sir John._ You----Constable--What damn'd Justice is this? - -_Constab._ One that will take Care of you, I warrant you. - - _Enter Justice._ - -_Just._ Well, Mr. Constable, what's the Disorder here? - -_Constab._ An't please your Worship---- - -_Sir John._ Let me speak, and be damn'd: I'm a Divine, and can unfold -Mysteries better than you can do. - -_Just._ Sadness, sadness! A Minister so overtaken! Pray, Sir, give the -Constable leave to speak, and I'll hear you very patiently: I assure -you, Sir, I will. - -_Sir John._ Sir----You are a very civil Magistrate! Your most humble -Servant. - -_Constab._ An't please your Worship, then, he has attempted to beat the -Watch to-night, and swore---- - -_Sir John._ You lye. - -_Just._ Hold, pray, Sir, a little. - -_Sir John._ Sir, your very humble Servant. - -_Constab._ Indeed, Sir, he came at us without any Provocation, call'd -us Whores and Rogues, and laid us on with a great Quarter-staff. He was -in my Lord _Rake_'s Company: They have been playing the Devil to-night. - -_Just._ Hem----Hem----Pray, Sir----may you be Chaplain to my Lord? - -_Sir John._ Sir----I presume----I may if I will. - -_Just._ My meaning, Sir, is----Are you so? - -_Sir John._ Sir--You mean very well. - -_Just._ He, hem----hem----Under Favour, Sir, pray answer me directly. - -_Sir John._ Under Favour, Sir----Do you use to answer directly when you -are drunk? - -_Just._ Good lack, good lack! Here's nothing to be got from him: Pray, -Sir, may I crave your Name? - -_Sir John._ Sir----My Name's----[_He hiccups._] Hiccup, Sir. - -_Just._ Hiccup? Doctor _Hiccup_, I have known a great many Country -Parsons of that Name, especially down in the _Fenns_. Pray where do you -live, Sir? - -_Sir John._ Here----and there, Sir. - -_Just._ Why, what a strange Man is this! Where do you preach, Sir? Have -you any Cure? - -_Sir John._ Sir----I have----a very good Cure----for a Clap, at your -Service. - -_Just._ Lord have mercy upon us! - -_Sir John._ [_Aside._] This Fellow asks so many impertinent Questions, -I believe, I'gad, 'tis the Justice's Wife in the Justice's Clothes. - -_Just._ Mr. Constable, I vow and protest, I don't know what to do with -him. - -_Constab._ Truly, he has been but a troublesome Guest to us all Night. - -_Just._ I think, I had e'en best let him go about his Business; for I'm -unwilling to expose him. - -_Constab._ E'en what your Worship thinks fit. - -_Sir John._ Sir----not to interrupt Mr. Constable, I have a small -Favour to ask. - -_Just._ Sir, I open both my Ears to you. - -_Sir John._ Sir, your very humble Servant. I have a little urgent -Business calls upon me; and therefore I desire the Favour of you to -bring Matters to a Conclusion. - -_Just._ Sir, if I were sure that Business were not to commit more -Disorders, I wou'd release you. - -_Sir John._ None----By my Priesthood! - -_Just._ Then, Mr. Constable, you may discharge him. - -_Sir John._ Sir, your very humble Servant. If you please to accept of a -Bottle-- - -_Just._ I thank you, kindly, Sir; but I never drink in a Morning. -Good-by t'ye, Sir, good-by t'ye. - -_Sir John._ Good by t'ye, good Sir. [_Exit Justice._] So----now, Mr. -Constable, shall you and I go pick up a Whore together? - -_Constab._ No, thank you, Sir; my Wife's enough to satisfy any -reasonable Man. - -_Sir John._ [_Aside._] He, he, he, he--the Fool is married, then. Well, -you won't go? - -_Constab._ Not I, truly. - -_Sir John._ Then I'll go by myself; and you and your Wife may be -damn'd. - - [_Exit Sir ~John~._ - -_Constable._ [_Gazing after him._] Why, God a-mercy, Parson? - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _Spring-Garden_. - - _~Constant~ and ~Heartfree~ cross the Stage. As they go off, - enter Lady ~Fancyfull~ and ~Madamoiselle~ mask'd, and - dogging 'em._ - -_Const._ So; I think we are about the time appointed: let us walk up -this way. - - [_Exeunt._ - -_Lady Fan._ Good: Thus far I have dogg'd 'em without being discover'd. -'Tis infallibly some Intrigue that brings them to _Spring-Garden_. How -my poor Heart is torn and rackt with Fear and Jealousy! Yet let it be -any thing but that Flirt _Belinda_, and I'll try to bear it. But if it -prove her, all that's Woman in me shall be employ'd to destroy her. - - [_Exeunt after ~Constant~ and ~Heartfree~._ - - _Re-enter ~Constant~ and ~Heartfree~, Lady ~Fancyfull~ and - ~Madamoiselle~ still following at a Distance_. - -_Const._ I see no Females yet, that have any thing to say to us. I'm -afraid we are banter'd. - -_Heart._ I wish we were; for I'm in no Humour to make either them or -myself merry. - -_Const._ Nay, I'm sure you'll make them merry enough, if I tell 'em why -you are dull. But pr'ythee why so heavy and sad before you begin to be -ill us'd? - -_Heart._ For the same Reason, perhaps, that you are so brisk and -well pleas'd; because both Pains and Pleasures are generally more -considerable in Prospect, than when they come to pass. - - _Enter Lady ~Brute~ and ~Belinda~, mask'd and poorly dress'd._ - -_Const._ How now! who are these? Not our Game, I hope. - -_Heart._ If they are, we are e'en well enough serv'd, to come a-hunting -here, when we had so much better Game in Chase elsewhere. - -_Lady Fan._ [_To Madamoiselle._] So, those are their Ladies, without -doubt. But I'm afraid that _Doily_ Stuff is not worn for want of better -Clothes. They are the very Shape and Size of _Belinda_ and her Aunt. - -_Madam._ So dey be inteed, Matam. - -_Lady Fan._ We'll slip into this close Arbour, where we may hear all -they say. - - [_Exeunt Lady ~Fancyfull~ and ~Madamoiselle~._ - -_Lady Brute._ What, are you afraid of us, Gentlemen? - -_Heart._ Why, truly, I think we may, if Appearance don't lye. - -_Bel._ Do you always find Women what they appear to be, Sir? - -_Heart._ No, forsooth; but I seldom find 'em better than they appear to -be. - -_Bel._ Then the Outside's best, you think? - -_Heart._ 'Tis the honestest. - -_Const._ Have a care, _Heartfree_; you are relapsing again. - -_Lady Brute._ Why, does the Gentleman use to rail at Women? - -_Const._ He has done formerly. - -_Bel._ I suppose he had very good Cause for't. They did not use you so -well as you thought you deserv'd, Sir. - -_Lady Brute._ They made themselves merry at your Expence, Sir. - -_Bel._ Laugh'd when you sigh'd-- - -_Lady Brute._ Slept while you were waking-- - -_Bel._ Had your Porter beat-- - -_Lady Brute._ And threw your Billet-doux in the Fire. - -_Heart._ Hey-day, I shall do more than rail presently. - -_Bel._ Why, you won't beat us, will you? - -_Heart._ I don't know but I may. - -_Const._ What the Devil's coming here? Sir _John_ in a Gown----And -drunk, i'faith. - - _Enter Sir ~John~._ - -_Sir John._ What a Pox----here's _Constant_, _Heartfree_--and two -Whores, I'gad----O you covetous Rogues! what, have you never a spare -Punk for your Friend?----But I'll share with you. - - [_He seizes both the Women._ - -_Heart._ Why, what the plague have you been doing, Knight? - -_Sir John._ Why, I have been beating the Watch, and scandalizing the -Clergy. - -_Heart._ A very good Account, truly. - -_Sir John._ And what do you think I'll do next? - -_Const._. Nay, that no Man can guess. - -_Sir John._ Why, if you'll let me sup with you, I'll treat both your -Strumpets. - -_Lady Brute._ [_Aside._] O Lord, we're undone! - -_Heart._ No, we can't sup together, because we have some Affairs -elsewhere. But if you'll accept of these two Ladies, we'll be so -complaisant to you, to resign our Right in 'em. - -_Bel._ [_Aside._] Lord, what shall we do? - -_Sir John._ Let me see; their Clothes are such damn'd Clothes, they -won't pawn for the Reckoning. - -_Heart._ _Sir John_, your Servant. Rapture attend you! - -_Const._ Adieu, Ladies, make much of the Gentleman. - -_Lady Brute._ Why, sure, you won't leave us in the Hands of a drunken -Fellow to abuse us. - -_Sir John._ Who do you call a drunken Fellow, you Slut you? I'm a Man -of Quality; the King has made me a Knight. - - [_~Heart.~ runs off._ - -_Heart._ Ay, ay, you are in good Hands! Adieu, Adieu! - -_Lady Brute._ The Devil's Hands: Let me go, or I'll--For Heaven's sake, -protect us! - - [_She breaks from him, runs to ~Constant~, twitching off - her Mask, and clapping it on again._ - -_Sir John._ I'll Devil you, you Jade you. I'll demolish your ugly Face. - -_Const._ Hold a little, Knight, she swoons. - -_Sir John._ I'll swoon her. - -_Const._ Hey, _Heartfree_. - - _Re-enter ~Heartfree~. ~Belinda~ runs to him, and shews her - Face._ - -_Heart._ O Heavens! My dear Creature, stand there a little. - -_Const._ Pull him off, _Jack_. - -_Heart._ Hold, mighty Man; look ye, Sir, we did but jest with you. -These are Ladies of our Acquaintance that we had a mind to frighten a -little, but now you must leave us. - -_Sir John._ Oons, I won't leave you, not I. - -_Heart._ Nay, but you must, though; and therefore make no Words on't. - -_Sir John._ Then you are a couple of damned uncivil Fellows. And I hope -your Punks will give you Sauce to your Mutton. - - [_Exit Sir ~John~._ - -_Lady Brute._ Oh, I shall never come to myself again, I'm so frightened. - -_Const._ 'Twas a narrow 'Scape, indeed. - -_Bel._ Women must have Frolicks, you see, whatever they cost them. - -_Heart._ This might have proved a dear one, though. - -_Lady Brute._ You are the more obliged to us for the Risk we run upon -your Accounts. - -_Const._ And I hope you'll acknowledge something due to our -Knight-Errantry, Ladies. This is the second time we have delivered you. - -_Lady Brute._ 'Tis true; and since we see Fate has designed you for our -Guardians, 'twill make us the more willing to trust ourselves in your -Hands. But you must not have the worse Opinion of us for our innocent -Frolick. - -_Heart._ Ladies, you may command our Opinions in every thing that is to -your Advantage. - -_Bel._ Then, Sir, I command you to be of Opinion, That Women are -sometimes better than they appear to be. - - [_Lady ~Brute~ and ~Constant~ talk apart._ - -_Heart._ Madam, you have made a Convert of me in every thing. I'm grown -a Fool: I cou'd be fond of a Woman. - -_Bel._ I thank you, Sir, in the Name of the whole Sex. - -_Heart._ Which Sex nothing but yourself cou'd ever have aton'd for. - -_Bel._ Now has my Vanity a devilish Itch, to know in what my Merit -consists. - -_Heart._ In your Humility, Madam, that keeps you ignorant it consists -at all. - -_Bel._ One other Compliment, with that serious Face, and I hate you for -ever after. - -_Heart._ Some Women love to be abus'd: Is that it you wou'd be at? - -_Bel._ No, not that, neither: But I'd have Men talk plainly what's fit -for Women to hear; without putting 'em either to a real or an affected -Blush. - -_Heart._ Why, then, in as plain Terms as I can find to express myself, -I could love you even to--Matrimony itself a'most, I'gad. - -_Bel._ Just as Sir _John_ did her Ladyship there.----What think you? -Don't you believe one Month's time might bring you down to the same -Indifference, only clad in a little better Manners, perhaps? Well, you -Men are unaccountable things, mad till you have your Mistresses, and -then stark mad till you are rid of 'em again. Tell me honestly, Is not -your Patience put to a much severer Trial after Possession than before? - -_Heart._ With a great many I must confess it is, to our eternal -Scandal; but I----dear Creature, do but try me. - -_Bel._ That's the surest way, indeed, to know, but not the safest. [_To -Lady ~Brute~._] Madam, are not you for taking a Turn in the Great Walk? -It's almost dark, no body will know us. - -_Lady Brute._ Really I find myself something idle, _Belinda_: besides, -I doat upon this little odd private Corner. But don't let my lazy Fancy -confine you. [_Const. aside._] So, she wou'd be left alone with me; -that's well. - -_Bel._ Well, we'll take one Turn, and come to you again. [_To -~Heart~._] Come, Sir, shall we go pry into the Secrets of the Garden? -Who knows what Discoveries we may make? - -_Heart._ Madam, I'm at your Service. - -_Const._ [_To ~Heart~. aside._] Don't make too much haste back; for, -d'ye hear?----I may be busy. - -_Heart._ Enough. - - [_Exeunt ~Belinda~ and ~Heartfree~._ - -_Lady Brute._ Sure you think me scandalously free, Mr. _Constant_. I'm -afraid I shall lose your good Opinion of me. - -_Const._ My good Opinion, Madam, is like your Cruelty----ne'er to be -remov'd. - -_Lady Brute._ But if I should remove my Cruelty, then there's an end of -your good Opinion. - -_Const._ There is not so strict an Alliance between 'em, neither. 'Tis -certain I shou'd love you then better (if that be possible) than I do -now; and where I love, I always esteem. - -_Lady Brute._ Indeed, I doubt you much. Why, suppose you had a Wife, -and she should entertain a Gallant? - -_Const._ If I gave her just Cause, how cou'd I justly condemn her? - -_Lady Brute._ Ah! but you'd differ widely about just Causes. - -_Const._ But Blows can bear no Dispute. - -_Lady Brute._ Nor ill Manners much, truly. - -_Const._ Then no Woman upon Earth has so just a Cause as you have. - -_Lady Brute._ O, but a faithful Wife is a beautiful Character. - -_Const._ To a deserving Husband, I confess it is. - -_Lady Brute._ But can his Faults release my Duty? - -_Const._ In Equity, without doubt. And where Laws dispense with Equity, -Equity should dispense with Laws. - -_Lady Brute._ Pray let's leave this Dispute; for you Men have as much -Witchcraft in your Arguments, as Women have in their Eyes. - -_Const._ But whilst you attack me with your Charms, 'tis but reasonable -I assault you with mine. - -_Lady Brute._ The Case is not the same. What Mischief we do, we can't -help, and therefore are to be forgiven. - -_Const._ Beauty soon obtains Pardon for the Pain that it gives, when -it applies the Balm of Compassion to the Wound: But a fine Face, and a -hard Heart, is almost as bad as an ugly Face and a soft one; both very -troublesome to many a poor Gentleman. - -_Lady Brute._ Yes, and to many a poor Gentlewoman, too, I can assure -you. But pray, which of 'em is it that most afflicts you? - -_Const._ Your Glass and Conscience will inform you, Madam. But for -Heaven's sake (for now I must be serious), if Pity, or if Gratitude can -move you; [_Taking her Hand._] if Constancy and Truth have power to -tempt you; if Love, if Adoration can affect you; give me at least some -Hopes, that Time may do what you perhaps mean never to perform; 'twill -ease my Sufferings, tho' not quench my Flame. - -_Lady Brute._ Your Sufferings eas'd, your Flame wou'd soon abate: And -that I would preserve, not quench it, Sir. - -_Const._ Wou'd you preserve it, nourish it with Favours; for that's the -Food it naturally requires. - -_Lady Brute._ Yet on that natural Food 'twould surfeit soon, shou'd I -resolve to grant all you wou'd ask. - -_Const._ And in refusing all, you starve it. Forgive me, therefore, -since my Hunger rages, if I at last grow wild, and in my frenzy force -at least this from you. [_Kissing her Hand._] Or if you'd have my Flame -soar higher still, then grant me this, and this, and Thousands more; -[_Kissing first her Hand, then her Neck._] [_Aside._] For now's the -time she melts into Compassion. - -_Lady Brute._ [_Aside._] Poor Coward Virtue, how it shuns the Battle! O -Heavens! let me go. - -_Const._ Ay, go, ay: Where shall we go, my charming Angel----into this -private Arbour----Nay, let's lose no time----Moments are precious. - -_Lady Brute._ And Lovers wild. Pray let us stop here; at least for this -time. - -_Const._ 'Tis impossible; he that has power over you, can have none -over himself. - - _As he is forcing her into the Arbour, Lady ~Fancyfull~ and - ~Madamoiselle~ bolt out upon them, and run over the - Stage._ - -_Lady Brute._ Ah! I'm lost! - -_Lady Fan._ Fe, fe, fe, fe, fe. - -_Madam._ Fe, fe, fe, fe, fe. - -_Const._ Death and Furies, who are these? - -_Lady Brute._ O Heavens! I'm out of my Wits; if they knew me, I am -ruin'd. - -_Const._ Don't be frightened: Ten thousand to one they are Strangers to -you. - -_Lady Brute._ Whatever they are, I won't stay here a Moment longer. - -_Const._ Whither will you go? - -_Lady Brute._ Home, as if the Devil were in me. Lord, where's this -_Belinda_ now? - - _Enter ~Belinda~ and ~Heartfree~._ - -O! 'tis well you are come: I'm so frightened, my Hair stands an end. -Let's be gone, for Heaven's sake! - -_Bel._ Lord, what's the matter? - -_Lady Brute._ The Devil's the Matter; we are discovered. Here's a -couple of Women have done the most impertinent thing. Away, away, away, -away, away. - - [_Exit running._ - - _Re-enter Lady ~Fancyfull~ and ~Madamoiselle~._ - -_Lady Fan._ Well, _Madamoiselle_, 'tis a prodigious thing how Women can -suffer filthy Fellows to grow so familiar with 'em. - -Madam. _Ah Madame, il n'y a rien de si naturel._ - -_Lady Fan._ Fe, fe, fe! But, oh my Heart! O Jealousy! O Torture! I'm -upon the rack. What shall I do? My Lover's lost, I ne'er shall see -him mine. [_Pausing._]----But I may be reveng'd; and that's the same -thing. Ah sweet Revenge! Thou welcome Thought, thou healing Balsam to -my wounded Soul! Be but propitious on this one Occasion, I'll place my -Heaven in thee, for all my Life to come. - - To Woman how indulgent Nature's kind! - No Blast of Fortune long disturbs her Mind: - Compliance to her Fate supports her still; - If Love won't make her happy--Mischief will. - - [_Exeunt._ - - - - -+ACT+ V. - - -+SCENE+, _Lady_ Fancyfull's _House_. - - _Enter Lady ~Fancyfull~ and ~Madamoiselle~._ - -_Lady Fan._ Well, _Madamoiselle_, did you dog the filthy Things? - -Madam. _O que ouy, Madame._ - -_Lady Fan._ And where are they? - -Madam. _Au Logis._ - -_Lady Fan._ What, Men and all? - -Madam. _Tous ensemble._ - -_Lady Fan._ O Confidence! What, carry their Fellows to their own House? - -Madam. _C'est que le Mari n'y est pas._ - -_Lady Fan._ No; so I believe, truly. But he shall be there, and quickly -too, if I can find him out. Well, 'tis a prodigious thing, to see when -Men and Women get together, how they fortify one another in their -Impudence. But if that drunken Fool, her Husband, he to be found in -e'er a Tavern in Town, I'll send him amongst 'em: I'll spoil their -sport. - -Madam. _En verité, Madame, ce seroit domage._ - -_Lady Fan._ 'Tis in vain to oppose it, _Madamoiselle_; therefore never -go about it. For I am the steadiest Creature in the World--when I have -determin'd to do Mischief. So, come along. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _Sir ~John Brute~'s House_. - - _Enter ~Constant~, ~Heartfree~, Lady ~Brute~, ~Belinda~, and - ~Lovewell~._ - -_Lady Brute._ But are you sure you don't mistake, _Lovewell_? - -_Lov._ Madam, I saw 'em all go into the Tavern together, and my Master -was so drunk he cou'd scarce stand. - -_Lady Brute._ Then, Gentlemen, I believe we may venture to let you -stay, and play at Cards with us, an Hour or two: For they'll scarce -part till Morning. - -_Bel._ I think 'tis pity they should ever part. - -_Const._ The Company that's here, Madam. - -_Lady Brute._ Then, Sir, the Company that's here must remember to part -itself in time. - -_Const._ Madam, we don't intend to forfeit your future Favours by an -indiscreet Usage of this. The Moment you give us the Signal, we shan't -fail to make our Retreat. - -_Lady Brute._ Upon those Conditions, then, let us sit down to Cards. - - _Enter ~Lovewell~._ - -_Lov._ O Lord, Madam, here's my Master just staggering in upon you; -he has been quarrelsome yonder, and they have kick'd him out of the -Company. - -_Lady Brute._ Into the Closet, Gentlemen, for Heaven's sake; I'll -wheedle him to Bed, if possible. - - [_~Const.~ and ~Heart.~ run into the Closet._ - - _Enter Sir ~John~, all dirt and bloody._ - -_Lady Brute._ Ah----Ah----he's all over Blood! - -_Sir John._ What the plague does the Woman--squall for? Did you never -see a Man in Pickle before? - -_Lady Brute._ Lord, where have you been? - -_Sir John._ I have been at----Cuffs. - -_Lady Brute._ I fear that is not all. I hope you are not wounded. - -_Sir John._ Sound as a Roach, Wife. - -_Lady Brute._ I'm mighty glad to hear it. - -_Sir John._ You know--I think you lye. - -_Lady Brute._ You do me wrong to think so. For Heaven's my Witness; I -had rather see my own Blood trickle down, than yours. - -_Sir John._ Then will I be crucify'd. - -_Lady Brute._ 'Tis a hard Fate, I shou'd not be believ'd. - -_Sir John._ 'Tis a damn'd Atheistical Age, Wife. - -_Lady Brute._ I am sure I have given you a thousand tender Proofs, how -great my Care is of you. But, spite of all your cruel Thoughts, I'll -still persist, and at this Moment, if I can, persuade you to lie down -and sleep a little. - -_Sir John._ Why--do you think I am drunk--you Slut, you? - -_Lady Brute._ Heaven forbid I shou'd! But I'm afraid you are feverish. -Pray let me feel your Pulse. - -_Sir John._ Stand off, and be damn'd. - -_Lady Brute._ Why, I see your Distemper in your very Eyes. You are all -on Fire. Pray, go to Bed; let me intreat you. - -_Sir John._----Come, kiss me, then. - -_Lady Brute._ [_Kissing him._] There: Now go. [_Aside._] He stinks like -Poison. - -_Sir John._ I see it goes damnably against your Stomach--And -therefore--Kiss me again. - -_Lady Brute._ Nay, now you fool me. - -_Sir John._ Do't, I say. - -_Lady Brute._ [_Aside._] Ah, Lord have mercy upon me! Well--there: now -will you go? - -_Sir John._ Now, Wife, you shall see my Gratitude. You gave me two -Kisses--I'll give you--two hundred. - - [_Kisses, and tumbles her._ - -_Lady Brute._ O Lord! Pray, Sir John, be quiet. Heavens, what a Pickle -am I in! - -_Bel._ [_Aside._] If I were in her Pickle, I'd call my Gallant out of -the Closet, and he shou'd cudgel him soundly. - -_Sir John._ So, now you being as dirty and as nasty as myself, we may -go pig together. But first I must have a Cup of your cold Tea, Wife. - - [_Going to the Closet._ - -_Lady Brute._ O I'm ruin'd! There's none there, my Dear. - -_Sir John._ I'll warrant you I'll find some, my Dear. - -_Lady Brute._ You can't open the Door, the Lock's spoil'd; I have been -turning and turning the Key this half Hour to no purpose. I'll send for -the Smith to-morrow. - -_Sir John._ There's ne'er a Smith in _Europe_ can open a Door with -more Expedition than I can do----As for Example--Poh! [_He bursts -open the Door with his Foot._]----How now! What the Devil have we -got here?----_Constant_----_Heartfree_----And two Whores again, -I'gad----This is the worst cold Tea----that ever I met with in my -Life---- - - _Enter ~Constant~ and ~Heartfree~._ - -_Lady Brute._ [_Aside._] O Lord, what will become of us? - -_Sir John._ Gentlemen----I am your very humble Servant--I give you many -Thanks----I see you take Care of my Family----I shall do all I can to -return the Obligation. - -_Const._ Sir, how oddly soever this Business may appear to you, you -would have no cause to be uneasy, if you knew the Truth of all things; -your Lady is the most virtuous Woman in the World, and nothing has past -but an innocent Frolick. - -_Heart._ Nothing else, upon my Honour, Sir. - -_Sir John._ You are both very civil Gentlemen--And my Wife, there, is a -very civil Gentlewoman; therefore I don't doubt but many civil things -have past between you. Your very humble Servant. - -_Lady Brute._ [_Aside to ~Const~._] Pray be gone: He's so drunk he -can't hurt us to-night, and to-morrow Morning you shall hear from us. - -_Const._ I'll obey you, Madam. Sir, when you are cool, you'll -understand Reason better. So then I shall take the pains to inform -you. If not----I wear a Sword, Sir, and so good by t'ye. Come along, -_Heartfree_. - - [_Exit._ - -_Sir John._ Wear a Sword, Sir--And what of all that, Sir? He comes to -my House; eats my Meat; lies with my Wife; dishonours my Family; gets -a Bastard to inherit my Estate----And when I ask a civil Account of -all this--Sir, says he, I wear a Sword--Wear a Sword, Sir? Yes, Sir, -says he, I wear a Sword----It may be a good Answer at Cross-purposes; -but 'tis a damn'd one to a Man in my whimsical Circumstance----Sir, -says he, I wear a Sword! [_To Lady ~Brute~._] And what do you wear now? -ha! tell me. [_Sitting down in a great Chair._] What, you are modest, -and can't--Why, then, I'll tell you, you Slut, you. You wear----an -impudent, lewd Face----A damn'd designing Heart----And a Tail----and a -Tail full of----[_He falls fast asleep, snoaring._] - -_Lady Brute._ So; thanks to kind Heaven, he's fast for some Hours. - -_Bel._ 'Tis well he is so, that we may have time to lay our Story -handsomely; for we must lye like the Devil, to bring ourselves off. - -_Lady Brute._ What shall we say, _Belinda_? - -_Bel._ [_Musing._]----I'll tell you: It must all light upon _Heartfree_ -and I. We'll say he has courted me some time, but, for Reasons unknown -to us, has ever been very earnest the thing might be kept from Sir -_John_. That therefore hearing him upon the Stairs, he ran into the -Closet, tho' against our Will, and _Constant_ with him, to prevent -Jealousy. And to give this a good impudent Face of Truth, (that I may -deliver you from the trouble you are in) I'll e'en, if he pleases, -marry him. - -_Lady Brute._ I'm beholden to you, Cousin; but that wou'd be carrying -the Jest a little too far for your own sake: You know he's a younger -Brother, and has nothing. - -_Bel._ 'Tis true: But I like him, and have Fortune enough to keep above -Extremity: I can't say I would live with him in a Cell, upon Love and -Bread and Butter: But I had rather have the Man I love, and a middle -State of Life, than that Gentleman in the Chair there, and twice your -Ladyship's Splendour. - -_Lady Brute._ In truth, Niece, you are in the right on't; for I am -very uneasy with my Ambition. But, perhaps, had I married as you'll do, -I might have been as ill us'd. - -_Bel._ Some Risk, I do confess, there always is: But if a Man has the -least Spark either of Honour or Good-nature, he can never use a Woman -ill, that loves him, and makes his Fortune both. Yet I must own to -you, some little struggling I still have with this teazing Ambition -of ours; for Pride, you know, is as natural to a Woman, as 'tis to a -Saint. I can't help being fond of this Rogue; and yet it goes to my -Heart, to think I must never whisk to _Hyde-Park_ with above a Pair of -Horses; have no Coronet upon my Coach, nor a Page to carry up my Train. -But above all--that Business of Place--Well, taking place is a noble -Prerogative-- - -_Lady Brute._ Especially after a Quarrel-- - -_Bel._ Or of a Rival. But pray say no more on't, for fear I change my -Mind; for, o' my Conscience, wer't not for your Affair in the Balance, -I should go near to pick up some odious Man of Quality yet, and only -take poor _Heartfree_ for a Gallant. - -_Lady Brute._ Then him you must have, however things go? - -_Bel._ Yes. - -_Lady Brute._ Why, we may pretend what we will: but 'tis a hard matter -to live without the Man we love. - -_Bel._ Especially when we are married to the Man we hate. Pray tell me: -Do the Men of the Town ever believe us virtuous, when they see us do so? - -_Lady Brute._ O, no: Nor indeed, hardly, let us do what we will. The -most of them think, there is no such thing as Virtue, consider'd in -the strictest Notions of it; and therefore when you hear 'em say, -such a one is a Woman of Reputation, they only mean she's a Woman of -Discretion. For they consider we have no more Religion than they have, -nor so much Morality; and between you and I, _Belinda_, I'm afraid the -want of Inclination seldom protects any of us. - -_Bel._ But what think you of the Fear of being found out? - -_Lady Brute._ I think That never kept any Woman virtuous long. We -are not such Cowards, neither. No: Let us once pass Fifteen, and we -have too good an Opinion of our own Cunning, to believe the World can -penetrate into what we would keep a Secret. And so, in short, we cannot -reasonably blame the Men for judging of us by themselves. - -_Bel._ But sure we are not so wicked as they are, after all? - -_Lady Brute._ We are as wicked, Child, but our Vice lies another way: -Men have more Courage than we, so they commit more bold, impudent Sins. -They quarrel, fight, swear, drink, blaspheme, and the like: Whereas -we, being Cowards, only backbite, tell Lyes, cheat at Cards, and so -forth. But 'tis late: Let's end our Discourse for to-night, and, out of -an excess of Charity, take a small Care of that nasty, drunken Thing -there----Do but look at him, _Belinda_! - -_Bel._ Ah----'tis a savoury Dish. - -_Lady Brute._ As savoury as 'tis, I'm cloy'd with't. Pr'ythee call the -Butler to take it away. - -_Bel._ Call the Butler!----Call the Scavenger! [_To a Servant within._] -Who's there? Call _Rasor_! Let him take away his Master, scour him -clean with a little Sope and Sand, and so put him to Bed. - -_Lady Brute._ Come, _Belinda_, I'll e'en lie with you to-night; and in -the Morning we'll send for our Gentlemen to set this Matter even. - -_Bel._ With all my Heart. - -_Lady Brute._ Good Night, my Dear. - - [_Making a low Curtsy to Sir ~John~._ - -[_Both._] Ha, ha, ha! - - [_Exeunt._ - - _Enter ~Rasor~._ - -_Rasor._ My Lady there's a Wag--My Master there's a Cuckold. Marriage -is a slippery thing--Women have depraved Appetites.--My Lady's a Wag; I -have heard all; I have seen all; I understand all; and I'll tell all; -for my little _French-woman_ loves News dearly. This Story'll gain her -Heart, or nothing will. [_To his Master._] Come, Sir, your Head's too -full of Fumes at present, to make room for your Jealousy; but I reckon -we shall have rare work with you, when your Pate's empty. Come to your -Kennel, you cuckoldly, drunken Sot, you! - - [_Carries him out upon his Back._ - - -+SCENE+, _Lady_ Fancyfull's _House_. - - _Enter Lady ~Fancyfull~ and ~Madamoiselle~._ - -_Lady Fan._ But, why did not you tell me before, _Madamoiselle_, that -_Rasor_ and you were fond? - -_Madam._ De Modesty hinder me, Matam. - -_Lady Fan._ Why, truly, Modesty does often hinder us from doing things -we have an extravagant mind to. But does he love you well enough yet, -to do any thing you bid him? Do you think, to oblige you, he wou'd -speak Scandal? - -_Madam._ Matam, to oblige your Ladyship, he shall speak Blasphemy. - -_Lady Fan._ Why, then, _Madamoiselle_, I'll tell you what you shall -do. You shall engage him to tell his Master all that past at _Spring -Garden_: I have a mind he shou'd know what a Wife and a Niece he has -got. - -Madam. _Il le fera, Madame._ - - _Enter a Footman, who speaks to ~Madamoiselle~ apart._ - -_Foot._ _Madamoiselle_, yonder's Mr. _Rasor_ desires to speak with you. - -_Madam._ Tell him, I come presently. [_Exit Footman._] _Rasor_ be dare, -Matam. - -_Lady Fan._ That's fortunate. Well, I'll leave you together. And if you -find him stubborn, _Madamoiselle_--hark you--don't refuse him a few -little reasonable Liberties to put him into Humour. - -Madam. _Laissez moy faire._ - - [_Exit ~Lady~ Fancyfull._ - - [_~Rasor~ peeps in; and seeing Lady ~Fancyfull~ gone, runs - to ~Madamoiselle~, takes her about the Neck, and kisses her._ - -_Madam._ How now, Confidence? - -_Rasor._ How now, Modesty! - -_Madam._ Who make you so familiar, Sirrah? - -_Rasor._ My Impudence, Hussy. - -_Madam._ Stand off, Rogue-Face. - -_Rasor._ Ah----_Madamoiselle_----great News at our House. - -_Madam._ Why, vat be de matter? - -_Rasor._ The Matter?--Why, Uptails All's the Matter. - -Madam. _Tu te mocque de moy._ - -_Rasor._ Now do you long to know the Particulars: The Time when--The -Place where--The Manner how. But I don't tell you a Word more. - -_Madam._ Nay, den dou kill me, _Rasor_. - -_Rasor._ Come, kiss me, then. - - [_Clapping his Hands behind him._ - -_Madam._ Nay, pridee tell me. - -_Rasor._ Good by t' ye. - - [_Going._ - -_Madam._ Hold, hold: I will kiss dee. - - [_Kissing him._ - -_Rasor._ So, that's civil: Why, now, my pretty Poll, my Goldfinch, my -little Waterwagtail----you must know, that----Come, kiss me again. - -_Madam._ I won't kiss de no more. - -_Rasor._ Good by t' ye. - - [_Going._ - -Madam. _Doucement! ~Derre~: es tu content?_ - - [_Kissing him._ - -_Rasor._ So: Now I'll tell thee all. Why, the News is, That Cuckoldom -in Folio is newly printed; and Matrimony in Quarto is just going into -the Press. Will you buy any Books, _Madamoiselle_? - -Madam. _Tu parle comme un Libraire_; de Devil no understand dee. - -_Rasor._ Why, then, that I may make myself intelligible to a -Waiting-Woman, I'll speak like a Valet de Chambre. My Lady has -cuckolded my Master. - -Madam. _Bon._ - -_Rasor._ Which we take very ill from her Hands, I can tell her that. We -can't yet prove Matter of Fact upon her. - -Madam. _N'importe._ - -_Rasor._ But we can prove, that Matter of Fact had like to have been -upon her. - -Madam. _Ouy da._ - -_Rasor._ For we have such bloody Circumstances-- - -Madam. Sans doute. - -_Rasor._ That any Man of Parts may draw tickling Conclusions from 'em. - -Madam. _Fort bien._ - -_Rasor._ We found a couple of tight, well-built Gentlemen stufft into -her Ladyship's Closet. - -Madam. _Le Diable!_ - -_Rasor._ And I, in my particular Person, have discovered a most -damnable Plot, how to persuade my poor Master, that all this Hide and -Seek, this _Will_ in the _Whisp_, has no other meaning than a Christian -Marriage for sweet Mrs. _Belinda_. - -Madam. _Une Mariage?----Ah les Droles!_ - -_Rasor._ Don't you interrupt me, Hussy; 'tis agreed, I say. And my -innocent Lady, to wriggle herself out at the Back-door of the Business, -turns Marriage-Bawd to her Niece, and resolves to deliver up her fair -Body to be tumbled and mumbled by that young liquorish Whipster, -_Heartfree_. Now are you satisfy'd? - -_Madam._ No. - -_Rasor._ Right Woman; always gaping for more. - -_Madam._ Dis be all, den, dat dou know? - -_Rasor._ All? Aye, and a great deal, too, I think. - -_Madam._ Dou be Fool, dou know noting. _Ecoute, mon pauvre_ Rasor. Dou -sees des two Eyes?--Des two Eyes have see de Devil. - -_Rasor._ The Woman's mad. - -_Madam._ In _Spring-Garden_, dat Rogue _Constant_ meet dy Lady. - -Rasor. _Bon._ - -_Madam._----I'll tell dee no more. - -_Rasor._ Nay, pr'ythee, my Swan. - -_Madam._ Come, kiss me den. - - [_Clapping her Hands behind her as he did before._ - -_Rasor._ I won't kiss you, not I. - -_Madam._ Adieu. - - [_Going._ - -_Rasor._ Hold----Now proceed. - - [_Gives her a hearty Kiss._ - -Madam. _A ça_----I hide myself in one cunning Place, where I hear all, -and see all. First, dy drunken Master come _mal a propos_; but de Sot -no know his own dear Wife, so he leave her to her Sport--Den de Game -begin. De Lover say soft ting: De Lady look upon de Ground. [_As she -speaks, ~Rasor~ still acts the Man, and she the Woman._] He take her by -de Hand: She turn her Head on oder Way. Den he squeeze very hard: Den -she pull----very softly. Den he take her in his Arm: Den she give him -leetel pat. Den he kiss her Tettons. Den she say--Pish, nay see. Den he -tremble: Den she--sigh. Den he pull her into de Arbour: Den she pinch -him. - -_Rasor._ Aye, but not so hard, you Baggage, you. - -_Madam._ Den he grow bold: She grow weak, he tro her down, _il tombe -dessu, le Diable assiste, il emport tout_. [_~Rasor~ struggles with -her, as if he would throw her down._] Stand off, Sirrah! - -_Rasor._ You have set me a-fire, you Jade, you. - -_Madam._ Den go to de River, and quench dy self. - -_Rasor._ What an unnatural Harlot 'tis! - -_Madam._ _Rasor._ - - [_Looking languishingly on him._ - -_Rasor._ _Madamoiselle._ - -_Madam._ Dou no love me. - -_Rasor._ Not love thee?--More than a _Frenchman_ does Soup. - -_Madam._ Den dou will refuse nothing dat I bid dee? - -_Rasor._ Don't bid me be damn'd, then. - -_Madam._ No, only tell dy Master all I have tell dee of dy Laty. - -_Rasor._ Why, you little, malicious Strumpet, you, shou'd you like to -be serv'd so? - -_Madam._ Dou dispute den?--Adieu. - -_Rasor._ Hold--But why wilt thou make me such a Rogue, my Dear? - -Madam. _Voila un vrai Anglois! Il est amoureux, et cependant il veut -raisonner. Va t'en au Diable._ - -_Rasor._ Hold once more: In hopes thou'lt give me up thy Body, I resign -thee my Soul. - -Madam. _Bon, ecoute donc_;----If dou fail me----I never see de -more----If dou obey me----_Je m'abandonne a toy._ [_She takes him about -the Neck, and gives him a smacking Kiss._] - - [_Exit ~Madamoiselle~._ - -_Rasor._ [_Licking his Lips._] Not be a Rogue?----_Amor vincit Omnia._ - - [_Exit ~Rasor~._ - - _Enter Lady ~Fancyfull~ and ~Madamoiselle~._ - -_Lady Fan._ Marry, say ye? Will the two Things marry? - -Madam. _On le va faire, Madame._ - -_Lady Fan._ Look you, _Madamoiselle_--In short, I can't bear it----No; -I find I can't--If once I see 'em a-bed together, I shall have ten -thousand Thoughts in my Head will make me run distracted. Therefore -run and call _Rasor_ back immediately; for something must be done to -stop this impertinent Wedding. If I can but defer it four-and-twenty -Hours, I'll make such Work about Town, with that little pert Slut's -Reputation, he shall as soon marry a Witch. - -Madam. [_Aside._] _La voilà bien intentionnée._ - - [Exeunt. - - -+SCENE+, _~Constant~'s Lodgings_. - - _Enter ~Constant~ and ~Heartfree~._ - -_Const._ But what dost think will become of this Business? - -_Heart._ 'Tis easier to think what will not come on't. - -_Const._ What's that? - -_Heart._ A Challenge. I know the Knight too well for that; his dear -Body will always prevail upon his noble Soul to be quiet. - -_Const._ But tho' he dare not challenge me, perhaps he may venture to -challenge his Wife. - -_Heart._ Not if you whisper him in the Ear, you won't have him do't; -and there's no other way left, that I see. For as drunk as he was, -he'll remember you and I were where we shou'd not be; and I don't think -him quite Blockhead enough yet to be persuaded we were got into his -Wife's Closet only to peep into her Prayer-Book. - - _Enter a Servant with a Letter._ - -_Serv._ Sir, here's a Letter; a Porter brought it. - -_Const._ O ho, here's Instructions for us. - -_Reads:_ - - _The Accident that has happen'd has touch'd our Invention to the - quick. We wou'd fain come off, without your help; but find that's - impossible. In a Word, the whole Business must be thrown upon a - Matrimonial Intrigue between your Friend and mine. But if the - Parties are not fond enough to go quite through with the matter, - 'tis sufficient for our Turn, they own the Design. We'll find - Pretences enough to break the Match._ - - Adieu. - -----Well, Woman for Invention! How long wou'd my Block-Head have been -producing this!----Hey, _Heartfree_? What, musing, Man? Pr'ythee be -chearful. What say'st thou, Friend, to this matrimonial Remedy? - -_Heart._ Why, I say, 'tis worse than the Disease. - -_Const._ Here's a Fellow for you! There's Beauty and Money on her Side, -and Love up to the Ears on his: and yet---- - -_Heart._ And yet, I think, I may reasonably be allow'd to boggle at -marrying the Niece, in the very Moment that you are debauching the Aunt. - -_Const._ Why, truly, there may be something in that. But have not you a -good Opinion enough of your own Parts, to believe you cou'd keep a Wife -to yourself? - -_Heart._ I shou'd have, if I had a good Opinion enough of her's, to -believe she cou'd do as much by me. For to do 'em right, after all, the -Wife seldom rambles, till the Husband shews her the way. - -_Const._ 'Tis true, a Man of real Worth scarce ever is a Cuckold, but -by his own Fault. Women are not naturally lewd; there must be something -to urge 'em to it. They'll cuckold a Churl, out of Revenge; a Fool, -because they despise him; a Beast, because they loath him. But when -they make bold with a Man they once had a well-grounded Value for, 'tis -because they first see themselves neglected by him. - -_Heart._ Nay, were I well assured that I should never grow Sir _John_, -I ne'er shou'd fear _Belinda_, wou'd play my Lady. But our Weakness, -thou knowest, my Friend, consists in that very Change we so impudently -throw upon (indeed) a steadier and more generous Sex. - -_Const._ Why, 'faith, we are a little impudent in that matter, that's -the truth on't. But this is wonderful, to see you grown so warm an -Advocate for those whom (but t'other Day) you took so much Pains to -abuse. - -_Heart._ All Revolutions run into Extremes; the Bigot makes the boldest -Atheist; and the coyest Saint, the most extravagant Strumpet. But, -pr'ythee, advise me in this Good and Evil, this Life and Death, this -Blessing and Cursing, that's set before me. Shall I marry, or die a -Maid? - -_Const._ Why, 'faith, _Heartfree_, Matrimony is like an Army going -to engage. Love's the forlorn Hope, which is soon cut off; the -Marriage-Knot is the main Body, which may stand buff a long, long time; -and Repentance is the Rear-Guard, which rarely gives ground as long as -the main Body has a Being. - -_Heart._ Conclusion, then; you advise me to whore on, as you do. - -_Const._ That's not concluded yet. For tho' Marriage be a Lottery, in -which there are a wondrous many Blanks; yet there is one inestimable -Lot, in which the only Heaven on Earth is written. Wou'd your kind -Fate but guide your Hand to that, tho' I were wrapt in all that Luxury -itself could clothe me with, I still shou'd envy you. - -_Heart._ And justly, too; for to be capable of loving one, doubtless, -is better than to possess a thousand. But how far that Capacity's in -me, alas! I know not. - -_Const._ But you wou'd know. - -_Heart._ I wou'd so. - -_Const._ Matrimony will inform you. Come, one Flight of Resolution -carries you to the Land of Experience; where, in a very moderate time, -you'll know the Capacity of your Soul and your Body both, or I'm -mistaken. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _Sir ~John Brute~'s House_. - - _Enter Lady ~Brute~ and ~Belinda~._ - -_Bel._ Well, Madam, what Answer have you from 'em? - -_Lady Brute._ That they'll be here this Moment. I fancy 'twill end in -a Wedding: I'm sure he's a Fool if it don't. Ten thousand Pounds, and -such a Lass as you are, is no contemptible Offer to a younger Brother. -But are not you under strange Agitations? Pr'ythee, how does your Pulse -beat? - -_Bel._ High and low, I have much ado to be valiant: sure it must feel -very strange to go to Bed to a Man? - -_Lady Brute._ Um----it does feel a little odd at first; but it will -soon grow easy to you. - - _Enter ~Constant~ and ~Heartfree~._ - -_Lady Brute._ Good-morrow, Gentlemen: How have you slept after your -Adventure? - -_Heart._ Some careful Thoughts, Ladies, on your accounts, have kept us -waking. - -_Bel._ And some careful Thoughts on your own, I believe, have hindered -you from sleeping. Pray how does this matrimonial Project relish with -you? - -_Heart._ Why, 'faith, e'en as storming Towns does with Soldiers, where -the Hope of delicious Plunder banishes the Fear of being knock'd on the -Head. - -_Bel._ Is it then possible, after all, that you dare think of downright -lawful Wedlock? - -_Heart._ Madam, you have made me so fool-hardy, I dare do any thing. - -_Bel._ Then, Sir, I challenge you; and Matrimony's the Spot where I -expect you. - -_Heart._ 'Tis enough; I'll not fail. [_Aside._] So, now, I am in for -_Hobbes_'s Voyage; a great Leap in the Dark. - -_Lady Brute._ Well, Gentlemen, this Matter being concluded then, have -you got your Lessons ready? for Sir _John_ is grown such an Atheist of -late, he'll believe nothing upon easy Terms. - -_Const._ We'll find ways to extend his Faith, Madam. But pray how do -you find him this Morning? - -_Lady Brute._ Most lamentably morose, chewing the Cud after last -Night's Discovery, of which, however, he had but a confus'd Notion e'en -now. But I'm afraid the Valet de Chambre has told him all; for they -are very busy together at this Moment. When I told him of _Belinda_'s -Marriage, I had no other Answer but a Grunt: From which, you may draw -what Conclusions you think fit. But to your Notes, Gentlemen, he's here. - - _Enter Sir ~John~ and ~Rasor~._ - -_Const._ Good-morrow, Sir. - -_Heart._ Good-morrow, Sir _John_; I'm very sorry my Indiscretion shou'd -cause so much Disorder in your Family. - -_Sir John._ Disorders generally come from Indiscretion, Sir; 'tis no -strange thing at all. - -_Lady Brute._ I hope, my Dear, you are satisfied there was no wrong -intended you. - -_Sir John._ None, my Dove. - -_Bel._ If not, I hope my Consent to marry Mr. _Heartfree_ will convince -you. For as little as I know of Amours, Sir, I can assure you, one -Intrigue is enough to bring four People together, without further -Mischief. - -_Sir John._ And I know too, that Intrigues tend to Procreation of more -kinds than one. One Intrigue will beget another, as soon as beget a Son -or a Daughter. - -_Const._ I am very sorry, Sir, to see you still seem unsatisfy'd with a -Lady, whose more than common Virtue, I am sure were she my Wife, shou'd -meet a better Usage. - -_Sir John._ Sir, if her Conduct has put a Trick upon her Virtue, her -Virtue's the Bubble, but her Husband's the Loser. - -_Const._ Sir, you have receiv'd a sufficient Answer already, to justify -both her Conduct and mine. You'll pardon me for meddling in your -Family-affairs; but I perceive I am the Man you are jealous of, and -therefore it concerns me. - -_Sir John._ Wou'd it did not concern me, and then I shou'd not care who -it concern'd. - -_Const._ Well, Sir, if Truth and Reason won't content you, I know but -one way more, which, if you think fit, you may take. - -_Sir John._ Lord, Sir, you are very hasty! If I had been found at -Prayers in your Wife's Closet, I should have allow'd you twice as much -time to come to yourself in. - -_Const._ Nay, Sir, if Time be all you want, we have no Quarrel. - -_Heart._ I told you how the Sword wou'd work upon him. - - [_Sir ~John~ muses._ - -_Const._ Let him muse; however, I'll lay fifty Pound our Foreman brings -us in, Not Guilty. - -_Sir John._ [_Aside._] 'Tis well----'tis very well----In spite of -that young Jade's matrimonial Intrigue, I am a downright stinking -Cuckold----Here they are----Boo----[_Putting his hand to his -Forehead._] Methinks, I could butt with a Bull. What the Plague did I -marry her for? I knew she did not like me; if she had, she wou'd have -lain with me; for I wou'd have done so, because I lik'd her; but that's -past, and I have her. And now, what shall I do with her?----If I put -my Horns into my Pocket, she'll grow insolent----if I don't, that Goat -there, that Stallion, is ready to whip me thro' the Guts.--The Debate -then is reduced to this: Shall I die a Hero, or live a Rascal?----Why, -wiser Men than I have long since concluded, that a living Dog is better -than a dead Lion.----[_To ~Const.~ and ~Heart.~_] Gentlemen, now my -Wine and my Passion are governable, I must own, I have never observ'd -any Thing in my Wife's Course of Life, to back me in my Jealousy of -her: But Jealousy's a Mark of Love; so she need not trouble her Head -about it, as long as I make no more Words on't. - - _Lady ~Fancyfull~ enters disguis'd, and addresses to ~Belinda~ - apart._ - -_Const._ I'm glad to see your Reason rule at last. Give me your Hand: I -hope you'll look upon me as you are wont. - -_Sir John._ Your humble Servant. [_Aside._] A wheedling Son of a Whore! - -_Heart._ And that I may be sure you are Friends with me, too, pray give -me your Consent to wed your Niece. - -_Sir John._ Sir, you have it with all my Heart: Damn me if you han't. -[_Aside._] 'Tis time to get rid of her: A young, pert Pimp; she'll make -an incomparable Bawd in a little time. - - _Enter a Servant, who gives ~Heartfree~ a Letter._ - -_Bel._ _Heartfree_ your Husband, say you? 'Tis impossible. - -_Lady Fan._ Wou'd to kind Heaven it were! But 'tis too true; and in -the World there lives not such a Wretch. I'm young; and either I have -been flatter'd by my Friends, as well as Glass, or Nature has been -kind and generous to me. I had a Fortune, too, was greater far than he -could ever hope for; but with my Heart I am robb'd of all the rest. -I am slighted and I'm beggar'd both at once: I have scarce a bare -Subsistence from the Villain, yet dare complain to none; for he has -sworn if e'er 'tis known I'm his Wife, he'll murder me. - - [_Weeping._ - -_Bel._ The Traitor! - -_Lady Fan._ I accidentally was told he courted you: Charity soon -prevail'd upon me to prevent your Misery: And, as you see, I'm still so -generous even to him, as not to suffer he should do a thing for which -the Law might take away his Life. - - [_Weeping._ - -_Bel._ Poor Creature! how I pity her! - - [_They continue talking aside._ - -_Heart._ [_Aside._] Death and Damnation!----Let me read it again. -[Reads.] _Tho' I have a particular reason not to let you know who I am -till I see you; yet you'll easily believe 'tis a faithful Friend that -gives you this Advice. I have lain with ~Belinda (Good!)~--I have a -Child by her ~(Better and better!)~ which is now at Nurse; ~(Heaven -be prais'd)~ and I think the Foundation laid for another: ~(Ha!--Old -Truepenny!)~--No Rack cou'd have tortur'd this Story from me; but -Friendship has done it. I heard of your Design to marry her, and cou'd -not see you abus'd. Make use of my Advice, but keep my Secret till I -ask you for't again. Adieu._ - - [_Exit Lady ~Fancyfull~._ - -_Const._ [_To ~Bel~._] Come, Madam, shall we send for the Parson? I -doubt here's no Business for the Lawyer: Younger Brothers have nothing -to settle but their Hearts, and that I believe my Friend here has -already done very faithfully. - -_Bel._ [_Scornfully._] Are you sure, Sir, there are no old Mortgages -upon it? - -_Heart._ [_Coldly._] If you think there are, Madam, it mayn't be amiss -to defer the Marriage till you are sure they are paid off. - -_Bel._ [_Aside._] How the gall'd Horse kicks! - -[_To_ Heart.] We'll defer it as long as you please, Sir. - -_Heart._ The more time we take to consider on't, Madam, the less apt we -shall be to commit Oversights; therefore, if you please, we will put it -off for just nine Months. - -_Bel._ Guilty Consciences make Men Cowards; I don't wonder you want -time to resolve. - -_Heart._ And they make Women desperate; I don't wonder you are so -quickly determin'd. - -_Bel._ What does the Fellow mean? - -_Heart._ What does the Lady mean? - -_Sir John._ Zoons, what do you both mean? - - [_~Heart.~ and ~Bel.~ walk chasing about._ - -_Rasor._ [_Aside._] Here is so much Sport going to be spoil'd, it makes -me ready to weep again. A Pox o' this impertinent Lady _Fancyfull_, and -her Plots, and her _French-woman_ too; she's a whimsical, ill-natur'd -Bitch, and when I have got my Bones broke in her Service, 'tis ten to -one but my Recompence is a Clap; I hear them tittering without still. -I'cod, I'll e'en go lug them both in by the Ears, and discover the -Plot, to secure my Pardon. - - [_Exit ~Rasor~._ - -_Const._ Pr'ythee, explain, _Heartfree_. - -_Heart._ A fair Deliverance; thank my Stars and my Friend. - -_Bel._ 'Tis well it went no farther; a base Fellow! - -_Lady Brute._ What can be the meaning of all this? - -_Bel._ What's his Meaning, I don't know; but mine is, that if I had -married him----I had had no Husband. - -_Heart._ And what's her Meaning I don't know; but mine is, that if I -had married her--I had had Wife enough. - -_Sir John._ Your People of Wit have got such cramp ways of expressing -themselves, they seldom comprehend one another. Pox take you both, will -you speak that you may be understood! - - _Enter ~Rasor~ in Sackcloth, pulling in ~Lady Fancyfull~ - and ~Madamoiselle~._ - -_Rasor._ If they won't, here comes an Interpreter. - -_Lady Brute._ Heavens! what have we here? - -_Rasor._ A Villain----but a repenting Villain. Stuff which Saints in -all Ages have been made of. - -_All._ Rasor! - -_Lady Brute._ What means this sudden Metamorphose? - -_Rasor._ Nothing, without my Pardon. - -_Lady Brute._ What Pardon do you want? - -_Rasor._ _Imprimis_, Your Ladyship's; for a damnable Lie made upon -your spotless Virtue, and set to the Tune of _Spring-Garden_. [_To Sir -~John~._] Next, at my generous Master's Feet I bend, for interrupting -his more noble Thoughts with Phantoms of disgraceful Cuckoldom. [_To -~Const~._] Thirdly, I to this Gentleman apply, for making him the Hero -of my Romance. [_To ~Heart~._] Fourthly, your Pardon, noble Sir, I -ask, for clandestinely marrying you, without either bidding of Banns, -Bishop's Licence, Friends Consent----or your own Knowledge. [_To -~Bel~._] And, lastly, to my good young Lady's Clemency I come, for -pretending the Corn was sow'd in the Ground, before ever the Plough had -been in the Field. - -_Sir John._ [_Aside._] So that, after all, 'tis a moot point, whether I -am a Cuckold or not. - -_Bel._ Well, Sir, upon Condition you confess all, I'll pardon you -myself, and try to obtain as much from the rest of the Company. But I -must know, then, who 'tis has put you upon all this Mischief? - -_Rasor._ Satan, and his Equipage; Woman tempted me, Lust weakened -me----and so the Devil over-came me; as fell _Adam_, so fell I. - -_Bel._ Then pray, Mr. _Adam_, will you make us acquainted with your -_Eve_? - -_Rasor._ [_To ~Madam~._] Unmask, for the Honour of _France_. - -_All._ Madamoiselle! - -_Madam._ Me ask ten tousand Pardon of all de good Company. - -_Sir John._ Why, this Mystery thickens, instead of clearing up. [_To -~Rasor~._] You Son of a Whore, you, put us out of our Pain. - -_Rasor._ One Moment brings Sunshine. [_Shewing ~Madam~._] 'Tis true, -this is the Woman that tempted me, but this is the Serpent that -tempted the Woman; and if my Prayers might be heard, her Punishment -for so doing shou'd be like the Serpent's of old--[_Pulls off Lady -~Fancyfull~'s Mask._] She should lie upon her Face all the Days of her -Life. - -_All._ Lady _Fancyfull_! - -_Bel._ Impertinent! - -_Lady Brute._ Ridiculous! - -_All._ Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! - -_Bel._ I hope your Ladyship will give me leave to wish you Joy, since -you have own'd your Marriage yourself--[_To ~Heart~._] I vow 'twas -strangely wicked in you to think of another Wife, when you had one -already so charming as her Ladyship. - -_All._ Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! - -_Lady Fan._ [_Aside._] Confusion seize 'em, as it seizes me! - -Madam. _Que le Diable e toute ce Mauraut de ~Rasor~._ - -_Bel._ Your Ladyship seems disorder'd: A breeding Qualm, perhaps, Mr. -_Heartfree_: Your Bottle of Hungary Water to your Lady. Why, Madam, he -stands as unconcern'd, as if he were your Husband in earnest. - -_Lady Fan._ Your Mirth's as nauseous as yourself. _Belinda_, you think -you triumph over a Rival now: _Helas! ma pauvre fille._ Where'er I'm -Rival, there's no Cause for Mirth. No, my poor Wretch, 'tis from -another Principle I have acted. I knew that Thing there wou'd make -so perverse a Husband, and you so impertinent a Wife, that left your -mutual Plagues should make you both run mad, I charitably would have -broke the Match. He! he! he! he! he! - - [_Exit, laughing affectedly, ~Madamoiselle~ following her._ - -_Madam._ He! he! he! he! he! - -_All._ Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! - -_Sir John._ [_Aside._] Why, now, this Woman will be married to -somebody, too. - -_Bel._ Poor Creature! what a Passion she's in! But I forgive her. - -_Heart._ Since you have so much Goodness for her, I hope you'll pardon -my Offence, too, Madam. - -_Bel._ There will be no great Difficulty in that, since I am guilty of -an equal Fault. - -_Heart._ Then Pardons being past on all sides, pray let's to Church to -conclude the Day's Work. - -_Const._ But before you go, let me treat you, pray, with a Song a -new-married Lady made within this Week; it may be of use to you both. - - SONG. - - I. - - _When yielding first to ~Damon's~ Flame, - I sunk into his Arms; - He swore he'd ever be the same, - Then rifled all my Charms. - But fond of what he'd long desir'd, - Too greedy of his Prey, - My Shepherd's Flame, alas! expir'd - Before the Verge of Day._ - - II. - - _My Innocence in Lovers Wars - Reproach'd his quick Defeat; - Confus'd, asham'd, and bath'd in Tears, - I mourn'd his cold Retreat. - At length, Ah Shepherdess! cry'd he, - Wou'd you my Fire renew, - Alas, you must retreat like me, - I'm lost if you pursue._ - -_Heart._ So, Madam; now had the Parson but done his Business---- - -_Bel._ You'd be half weary of your Bargain. - -_Heart._ No, sure, I might dispense with one Night's Lodging. - -_Bel._ I'm ready to try, Sir. - -_Heart._ Then let's to Church: And if it be our Chance to disagree---- - -_Bel._ Take heed--the surly Husband's Fate you see. - - [_Exeunt omnes._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -EPILOGUE, - - - By Another Hand. - - Spoken by Lady =Brute= and =Belinda=. - - Lady Brute. _No Epilogue_! - - _Belinda._ _I swear I know of none._ } - _Lord! How shall we excuse it to the Town?_ } - - _Bel._ _Why, we must e'en say something of our own._ } - - Lady Brute. _Our own! Ay, that must needs be precious stuff._ - - _Bel._ _I'll lay my Life, they'll like it well enough. - Come, faith, begin----_ - - Lady Brute. _Excuse me, after you._ - - _Bel._ _Nay, pardon me for that, I know my Cue._ - - Lady Brute. _O for the World, I would not have Precedence._ - - _Bel._ _O Lord!_ - - Lady Brute. _I swear----_ - - _Bel._ _O fye!_ - - Lady Brute. _I'm all Obedience. - First then, know all, before our Doom is fixt, - The Third Day is for us----_ - - _Bel._ _Nay, and the Sixth._ - - Lady Brute. _We speak not from the Poet now, nor is it - His Cause--(I want a Rhyme)_ - - _Bel._ _That we sollicit._ - - Lady Brute. _Then sure you cannot have the Hearts to be severe - And damn us----_ - - _Bel._ _Damn us! Let 'em if they dare._ - - Lady Brute. _Why, if they should, what Punishment remains?_ - - _Bel._ _Eternal Exile from behind our Scenes._ - - Lady Brute. _But if they're kind, that Sentence we'll recal. - We can be grateful----_ - - _Bel._ _And have wherewithal._ - - Lady Brute. _But at Grand ~Treaties~ hope not to be trusted, - Before ~Preliminaries~ are adjusted._ - - _Bel._ _You know the Time, and we appoint the Place; - Where, if you please, we'll meet and sign the Peace._ - -[Illustration] - - Upon the revival of this Play in 1725, Sir _John Vanbrugh_ - thought proper to write the two following Scenes, in the room of - those printed Page 166,-168, 173, _&c. &c._ - - - - -+ACT+ IV. - - -+SCENE+, _Covent-Garden_. - - _Enter Lord ~Rake~, Sir ~John~, &c. with Swords drawn._ - -_Lord Rake._ Is the Dog dead? - -_Col. Bully._ No, damn him, I heard him wheeze. - -_Lord Rake._ How the Witch his Wife howl'd? - -_Col. Bully._ Aye, she'll alarm the Watch presently. - -_Lord Rake._ Appear, Knight, then: Come, you have a good Cause to fight -for, there's a Man murder'd. - -_Sir John._ Is there? Then let his Ghost be satisfy'd: for I'll -sacrifice a Constable to it presently, and burn his Body upon his -wooden Chair. - - _Enter a Taylor, with a Bundle under his Arm._ - -_Col. Bully._ How now! what have we got here? A Thief? - -_Taylor._ No an't please you, I'm no Thief. - -_Lord Rake._ That we'll see presently: Here! let the General examine -him. - -_Sir John._ Ay, ay, let me examine him; and I'll lay a hundred -Pound I find him guilty in spite of his Teeth----for he looks--like -a----sneaking Rascal. Come, Sirrah, without Equivocation or mental -Reservation, tell me of what Opinion you are, and what Calling; for by -them----I shall guess at your Morals. - -_Taylor._ An't please you, I'm a Dissenting Journeyman Woman's Taylor. - -_Sir John._ Then, Sirrah, you love Lying by your Religion, and Theft -by your Trade: And so, that your Punishment may be suitable to your -Crimes----I'll have you first gagg'd----and then hang'd. - -_Tayl._ Pray, good worthy Gentlemen, don't abuse me: Indeed I'm an -honest Man, and a good Workman, tho' I say it, that shou'd not say it. - -_Sir John._ No Words, Sirrah, but attend your Fate. - -_Lord Rake._ Let me see what's in that Bundle. - -_Tayl._ An't please you, it's my Lady's short Cloak and Sack. - -_Sir John._ What Lady, you Reptile, you? - -_Tayl._ My Lady _Brute_, an't please your Honour. - -_Sir John._ My Lady _Brute_! my Wife! the Robe of my Wife--with -Reverence let me approach it. The dear Angel is always taking Care of -me in Danger, and has sent me this Suit of Armour to protect me in this -Day of Battle; on they go. - -_All._ O brave Knight! - -_Lord Rake._ Live _Don Quixote_ the Second! - -_Sir John._ _Sancho_, my 'Squire, help me on with my Armour. - -_Tayl._ O dear Gentlemen! I shall be quite undone if you take the Sack. - -_Sir John._ Retire, Sirrah! and since you carry off your Skin, go home -and be happy. - -_Tayl._ I think I'd e'en as good follow the Gentleman's Advice, for -if I dispute any longer, who knows but the whim may take 'em to case -me--These Courtiers are fuller of Tricks than they are of Money: -they'll sooner break a Man's Bones, than pay his Bill. - - [_Exit ~Tayl~._ - -_Sir John._ So! how d'ye like my shapes now? - -_Lord Rake._ To a Miracle! He looks like a Queen of the _Amazons_--But -to your Arms! Gentlemen! The Enemy's upon their March--here's the -Watch-- - -_Sir John._ 'Oons! if it were _Alexander_ the Great, at the Head of -his Army, I would drive him into a Horse-Pond. - -_All._ Huzza! O brave Knight! - - _Enter Watchmen._ - -_Sir John._ See! Here he comes, with all his _Greeks_ about him--Follow -me, Boys. - -_Watch._ Hey-dey! Who have we got here?--Stand. - -_Sir John._ May-hap not! - -_Watch._ What are you all doing here in the Streets at this time -o'night? And who are you, Madam, that seem to be at the Head of this -noble Crew? - -_Sir John._ Sirrah, I am _Bonduca_, Queen of the _Welchmen_; and with a -Leek as long as my Pedigree, I will destroy your _Roman_ Legion in an -Instant--_Britons_, strike home. - - [_They fight off. ~Watch.~ return with Sir ~John~._ - -_Watch._ So! We have got the Queen, however! We'll make her pay well -for her Ransom--Come, Madam, will your Majesty please to walk before -the Constable? - -_Sir John._ The Constable's a Rascal! And you are a Son of a Whore! - -_Watch._ A most noble Reply, truly! If this be her royal Style, I'll -warrant her Maids of Honour prattle prettily: But we'll teach you some -of our Court Dialect before we part with you, Princess--Away with her -to the Round-house. - -_Sir John._ Hands off, you Ruffians! My Honour's dearer to me than my -Life; I hope you won't be uncivil. - -_Watch._ Away with her. - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _A Street_. - - _Enter Constable and Watchmen, with Sir ~John~._ - -_Constab._ Come, forsooth, come along, if you please! I once in -Compassion thought to have seen you safe home this Morning: But you -have been so rampant and abusive all Night, I shall see what the -Justice of Peace will say to you. - -_Sir John._ And you shall see what I'll say to the Justice of Peace. - - [_~Watchman~ knocks at the Door._ - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Constab._ Is Mr. Justice at home? - -_Serv._ Yes. - -_Constab._ Pray acquaint his Worship we have got an unruly Woman here, -and desire to know what he'll please to have done with her. - -_Serv._ I'll acquaint my Master. - - [_Exit Serv._ - -_Sir John._ Hark you, Constable, what cuckoldly Justice is this? - -_Const._ One that knows how to deal with such Romps as you are, I'll -warrant you. - - _Enter Justice._ - -_Just._ Well, Mr. Constable, what is the matter there? - -_Const._ An't please your Worship, this here comical sort of a -Gentlewoman has committed great Outrages to-night. She has been -frolicking with my Lord _Rake_ and his Gang; they attacked the Watch, -and I hear there has been a Man kill'd: I believe 'tis they have done -it. - -_Sir John._ Sir, there may have been Murder, for aught I know; and 'tis -a great Mercy there has not been a Rape too--that Fellow wou'd have -ravish'd me. - -_2d Watch._ Ravish! Ravish! O lud! O lud! O lud! Ravish her! Why, -please your Worship, I heard Mr. Constable say he believed she was -little better than a Maphrodite. - -_Just._ Why, truly, she does seem a little masculine about the Mouth. - -_2d Watch._ Yes, and about the Hands too, an't please your Worship; -I did but offer in mere civility to help her up the Steps into our -Apartment, and with her gripen Fist--ay, just so, Sir. - - [_Sir ~John~ knocks him down._ - -_Sir John._ I fell'd him to the Ground like an Ox. - -_Just._ Out upon this boisterous Woman! Out upon her. - -_Sir John._ Mr. Justice, he wou'd have been uncivil! It was in Defence -of my Honour, and I demand Satisfaction. - -_2d Watch._ I hope your Worship will satisfy her Honour in Bridewell; -that Fist of hers will make an admirable Hemp-beater. - -_Sir John._ Sir, I hope you will protect me against that libidinous -Rascal; I am a Woman of Quality and Virtue too, for all I am in an -Undress this Morning. - -_Just._ Why, she has really the Air of a Sort of a Woman a little -something out of the common----Madam, if you expect I shou'd be -favourable to you, I desire I may know who you are. - -_Sir John._ Sir, I am any body, at your Service. - -_Just._ Lady, I desire to know your Name? - -_Sir John._ Sir, my Name's _Mary_. - -_Just._ Ay, but your Sur-name, Madam? - -_Sir John._ Sir, my Sur-name's the very same with my Husband's. - -_Just._ A strange Woman this! Who is your Husband, pray? - -_Sir John._ Sir _John_. - -_Just._ Sir _John_ who? - -_Sir John._ Sir _John Brute_. - -_Just._ Is it possible, Madam, you can be my Lady _Brute_? - -_Sir John._ That happy Woman, Sir, am I; only a little in my Merriment -to-night. - -_Just._ I am concern'd for Sir _John_. - -_Sir John._ Truly, so am I. - -_Just._ I have heard he's an honest Gentleman---- - -_Sir John._ As ever drank. - -_Just._ Good lack! Indeed, Lady, I'm sorry he has such a Wife. - -_Sir John._ I am sorry he has any Wife at all. - -_Just._ And so perhaps may he----I doubt you have not given him a very -good Taste of Matrimony. - -_Sir John._ Taste, Sir! Sir, I have scorn'd to stint him to a Taste, I -have given him a full Meal of it. - -_Just._ Indeed I believe so! But pray, fair Lady, may he have given -you any Occasion for this extraordinary Conduct?--Does he not use you -well? - -_Sir John._ A little upon the rough sometimes. - -_Just._ Ay, any Man may be out of Humour now and then. - -_Sir John._ Sir, I love Peace and Quiet, and when a Woman don't find -that at home, she's apt sometimes to comfort herself with a few -innocent Diversions abroad. - -_Just._ I doubt he uses you but too well. Pray how does he as to that -weighty thing, Money? Does he allow you what is proper of that? - -_Sir John._ Sir, I have generally enough to pay the reckoning, if this -Son of a Whore of a Drawer wou'd but bring his Bill. - -_Just._ A strange Woman this--Does he spend a reasonable Portion of his -time at home, to the Comfort of his Wife and Children? - -_Sir John._ He never gave his Wife cause to repine at his being abroad -in his Life. - -_Just._ Pray, Madam, how may he be in the grand matrimonial Point----Is -he true to your Bed? - -_Sir John._ Chaste! Oons! This Fellow asks so many impertinent -Questions! I'gad, I believe it is the Justice's Wife in the Justice's -Clothes. - -_Just._ 'Tis a great pity he should have been thus disposed of--Pray, -Madam, (and then I've done) what may be your Ladyship's common Method -of Life, if I may presume so far? - -_Sir John._ Why, Sir, much that of a Woman of Quality. - -_Just._ Pray how may you generally pass your time, Madam? Your Morning, -for example. - -_Sir John._ Sir, like a Woman of Quality----I wake about two o'Clock in -the Afternoon----I stretch--and make a sign for my Chocolate----When -I have drank three Cups--I slide down again upon my Back, with my -Arms over my Head, while my two Maids put on my Stockings----Then -hanging upon their Shoulders, I am trail'd to my great Chair, where I -sit----and yawn----for my Breakfast----If it don't come presently, I -lie down upon my Couch to say my Prayers, while my Maid reads me the -Play-bills. - -_Just._ Very well, Madam. - -_Sir John._ When the Tea is brought in, I drink twelve regular Dishes, -with eight Slices of Bread and Butter----And half an Hour after, I send -to the Cook to know if the Dinner is almost ready. - -_Just._ So! Madam! - -_Sir John._ By that time my Head is half drest, I hear my Husband -swearing himself into a State of Perdition, that the Meat's all cold -upon the Table; to amend which, I come down in an Hour more, and have -it sent back to the Kitchen, to be all drest over again. - -_Just._ Poor Man! - -_Sir John._ When I have din'd, and my idle Servants are presumptuously -set down at their Ease, to do so too, I call for my Coach, to go visit -fifty dear Friends, of whom I hope I shall never find one at home, -while I shall live. - -_Just._ So! There's the Morning and Afternoon pretty well dispos'd -of--Pray, Madam, how do you pass your Evenings? - -_Sir John._ Like a Woman of Spirit, Sir, a great Spirit. Give me a Box -and Dice--Seven's the main, Oons! Sir, I set you a hundred Pound! Why, -do you think Women are married now-a-Days, to sit at home and mend -Napkins? Sir, we have nobler ways of passing time. - -_Just._ Mercy upon us, Mr. Constable, what will this Age come to? - -_Constab._ What will it come to, indeed, if such Women as these are not -set in the Stocks? - -_Sir John._ Sir, I have a little urgent Business calls upon me; and -therefore I desire the Favour of you to bring Matters to a Conclusion. - -_Just._ Madam, if I were sure that Business were not to commit more -Disorders, I wou'd release you. - -_Sir John._ None----by my virtue. - -_Just._ Then, Mr. Constable, you may discharge her. - -_Sir John._ Sir, your very humble Servant. If you please to accept of a -Bottle---- - -_Just._ I thank you, kindly, Madam; but I never drink in a Morning. -Good by t'ye. - -_Sir John._ Good-by-t'ye, good Sir. - - [_Exit Justice._ - -So----now, Mr. Constable, shall you and I go pick up a Whore together? - -_Constab._ No, thank you, Madam; my Wife's enough to satisfy any -reasonable Man. - -_Sir John._ [_Aside._] He, he, he, he, he----the Fool is married, then. -Well, you won't go? - -_Constab._ Not I, truly. - -_Sir John._ Then I'll go by myself; and you and your Wife may be damn'd. - - [_Exit Sir ~John~._ - -_Constable._ _gazing after her._] Why, God-a-mercy, Lady. - - [_Exeunt._ - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -_ESOP_: - -A - -COMEDY. - - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -PREFACE. - - -To speak for a Play, if it cannot speak for itself, is vain; and if it -can, it is needless. For one of these Reasons (I cannot yet tell which, -for it is now but the second Day of acting) I resolve to say nothing -for _Esop_, though I know he would be glad of Help; for let the best -happen that can, his Journey is up Hill, with a dead _English_ Weight -at the Tail of him. - -At _Paris_, indeed, he scrambled up something faster (for it was -up Hill there, too) than I am afraid he will do here: The _French_ -having more Mercury in their Heads, and less Beef and Pudding in their -Bellies. Our Solidity may set hard, what their Folly makes easy; for -Fools I own they are, you know we have found them so in the Conduct of -the War; I wish we may do so in the Management of the Peace; but that -is neither _Esop_'s Business nor mine. - -This Play, Gentlemen (or one not much unlike it), was writ in _French_ -about six Years since by one Monsieur _Boursaut_; it was play'd at -_Paris_ by the _French_ Comedians, and this was its Fate. - -The first Day it appeared, it was routed (People seldom being fond of -what they do not understand, their own sweet Persons excepted). The -second (by the help of some bold Knights-Errant) it rallied; the third -it advanced; the fourth it gave a vigorous Attack; and the fifth -put all the Feathers in Town to the scamper, pursuing them on to the -fourteenth, and then they cried out Quarter. - -It is not reasonable to expect _Esop_ should gain so great a Victory -here, since it is possible, by fooling with his Sword, I may have -turned the Edge on't. For I confess in the Translation I have not at -all stuck to the Original; nay, I have gone farther: I have wholly -added the fifth Act, and crouded a Country Gentleman into the fourth; -for which I ask Monsieur _Boursaut_'s Pardon with all my Heart, but -doubt I never shall obtain it for bringing him into such Company. -Though, after all, had I been so complaisant to have waited on his Play -Word for Word, it is possible, even that might not have ensured the -Success of it; for though it swam in _France_, it might have sunk in -_England_. Their Country abounds in Cork, ours in Lead. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -PROLOGUE. - - - _Gallants, we never yet produc'd a Play - With greater Fears than this we act to-day; - Barren of all the Graces of the Stage, - Barren of all that entertains this Age. - No Hero, no Romance, no Plot, no Shew, - No Rape, no Bawdy, no Intrigue, no Beau: - There's nothing in't with which we use to please ye; - With downright dull Instruction w'are to tease ye; - The Stage turns Pulpit, and the World's so fickle, - The Play-House in a Whim turns Conventicle. - But Preaching here must prove a hungry Trade; - The Patentees will find so, I'm afraid: - For tho' with heavenly Zeal you all abound, - As by your Lives and Morals may be found; - Tho' every Female here o'erflows with Grace, - And chaste ~Diana~'s written in her Face; - Tho' Maids renounce the Sweets of Fornication, - And one lewd Wife's not left in all the Nation; - Tho' Men grow true, and the foul Fiend defy; - Tho' Tradesmen cheat no more, nor Lawyers lye; - Tho' not one Spot be found on ~Levi~'s Tribe, - Nor one soft Courtier that will touch a Bribe; - Yet in the midst of such religious Days, - Sermons have never borne the Price of Plays._ - - - - -Dramatis Personæ. - - -MEN. - - _Esop_, Mr. _Cibber_. - _Learchus_, Governor of _Sysicus_, Mr. _Dogget_. - _Oronces_, in love with _Euphronia_, Mr. _Harland_. - - -WOMEN. - - _Euphronia_, Daughter to _Learchus_, in } Mrs. _Temple_. - love with _Oronces_, } - _Doris_, her Nurse, Mrs. _Verbruggen_. - - People who come to _Esop_, upon several Occasions, - independent one of another. - - Two Country Tradesmen, } Mr. _Pinkethman_ and - } Mr. _Smeton_. - _Roger_, a Country Bumpkin, Mr. _Haynes_. - _Quaint_, a Herald, Mr. _Pinkethman_. - _Fruitful_, an Inn-keeper, Mr. _Smeton_. - A Country Gentleman, Mr. _Pinkethman_. - A Priest, Musicians, &c. - _Hortensia_, an affected learned Lady, Mrs. _Kent_. - _Aminta_, a lewd Mother, Mrs. _Willis_. - _Forge-Will_, a Scrivener's Widow, Mrs. _Finch_. - _Fruitful_, Wife to the Inn-keeper, Mrs. _Powell_. - -[Illustration] - - _ESOP._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ I. +SCENE+ I. - - +SCENE+, Learchus's _House_. - - - _Enter ~Learchus~, ~Euphronia~, and ~Doris~._ - -_Lear._ At length I am blest with the sight of the World's Wonder, the -Delight of Mankind, the incomparable _Esop_. You had time to observe -him last Night, Daughter, as he sat at Supper with me. Tell me how you -like him, Child; is he not a charming Person? - -_Euph._ Charming! - -_Lear._ What say'st thou to him, _Doris_? Thou art a good Judge, a -Wench of a nice Palate. - -_Dor._ You wou'd not have me flatter, Sir? - -_Lear._ No, speak thy Thoughts boldly. - -_Dor._ Boldly, you say? - -_Lear._ Boldly, I say. - -_Dor._ Why, then, Sir, my Opinion of the Gentleman is, that he's uglier -than an old Beau. - -_Lear._ How! Impudence. - -_Dor._ Nay, if you are angry, Sir, second Thoughts are best; he's as -proper as a Pikeman, holds up his Head like a Dancing-Master, has the -Shape of a Barb, the Face of an Angel, the Voice of a Cherubim, the -Smell of a Civet-Cat---- - -_Lear._ In short, thou art Fool enough not to be pleas'd with him. - -_Dor._ Excuse me for that, Sir; I have Wit enough to make myself merry -with him---- - -_Lear._ If his Body's deform'd, his Soul is beautiful: Would to kind -Heaven, as he is, my Daughter cou'd but find the means to please him! - -_Euph._ To what End, dear Father? - -_Lear._ That he might be your Husband, dear Daughter. - -_Euph._ My Husband! Shield me, kind Heaven---- - -_Dor._ Psha! he has a mind to make us laugh, that's all. - -_Lear._ _Esop_, then, is not worth her Care, in thy Opinion? - -_Dor._ Why, truly, Sir, I'm always for making suitable Matches, and -don't much approve of breeding Monsters. I wou'd have nothing marry a -Baboon, but what has been got by a Monkey. - -_Lear._ How dar'st thou liken so incomparable a Man to so contemptible -a Beast? - -_Dor._. Ah, the Inconstancy of this World! Out of sight, out f Mind. -Your little Monkey is scarce cold in his Grave, and you have already -forgot what you us'd so much to admire: Do but call him to remembrance, -Sir, in his red Coat, new Gloves, little Hat, and clean Linen; then -discharge your Conscience, utter the Truth from your Heart, and tell us -whether he was not the prettier Gentleman of the two--By my Virginity, -Sir, (tho' that's but a slippery Oath, you'll say) had they made love -to me together, _Esop_ should have worn the Willow. - -_Lear._ Since nothing but an Animal will please thee, 'tis pity my -Monkey had not that Virginity thou hast sworn by. But I, whom Wisdom -charms even in the homeliest Dress, can never think the much-deserving -_Esop_ unworthy of my Daughter. - -_Dor._ Now, in the Name of Wonder, what is't you so admire in him? - - _Lear._ Hark, and thou shalt know; but you, _Euphronia_, - Be you more especially attentive. - 'Tis true he's plain; but that's, my Girl, a Trifle. - All manly Beauty's seated in the Soul; - And that of _Esop_, Envy's self must own, - Outshines whate'er the World has yet produc'd. - _Crœsus_, the prosperous Favourite of Heaven; - _Crœsus_, the happiest Potentate on Earth; - Whose Treasure (tho' immense) is the least Part - Of what he holds from Providence's Care, - Leans on his Shoulder as his grand Support, - Admires his Wisdom, doats upon his Truth, - And makes him Pilot to Imperial Sway. - But in this elevated Post of Power, - What's his Employ? Where does he point his Thoughts? - To live in Splendour, Luxury, and Ease, - Do endless Mischiefs, by neglecting Good, - And build his Family on other's Ruins? - No: - He serves the Prince, and serves the People too; - Is useful to the Rich, and helps the Poor; - There's nothing stands neglected, but himself. - With constant Pain, and yet with constant Joy, - From Place to Place throughout the Realm he goes, - With useful Lessons, form'd to every Rank: - The People learn Obedience from his Tongue, - The Magistrate is guided in Command, - The Prince is minded of a Father's Care, - The Subjects taught the Duty of a Child. - And as 'tis dangerous to be bold with Truth, - He often calls for Fable to his Aid, - Where, under abject Names of Beasts and Birds, - Virtue shines out, and Vice is cloath'd in Shame. - And thus, by inoffensive Wisdom's Force, - He conquers Folly wheresoe'er he moves: - This is his Portrait. - -_Dor._ A very good Picture of a very ill Face! - -_Lear._ Well, Daughter; what, not a Word? Is it possible any thing -that I am Father of can be untouch'd with so much Merit? - -_Euph._ My Duty may make all things possible: But _Esop_ is so ugly, -Sir-- - -_Lear._ His Soul has so much Beauty in't, your Reason ought to blind -your Eyes: Besides, my Interest is concern'd; his Power alarms me. -I know throughout the Kingdom he's the Scourge of evil Magistrates, -turns out Governors when they turn Tyrants; breaks Officers for false -Musters; excludes Judges from giving Sentence, when they have been -absent during the Trial; hangs Lawyers when they take Fees on both -Sides; forbids Physicians to take Money of those they don't cure. 'Tis -true, my Innocence ought to banish my Fears: But my Government, Child, -is too delicious a Morsel, not to set many a frail Mouth a-watering. -Who knows what Accusations Envy may produce? But all wou'd be secure, -if thou could'st touch the Heart of _Esop_. Let me blow up thy -Ambition, Girl; the Fire of that will make thy Eyes sparkle at him. -[_She sighs._]----What's that Sigh for, now? Ha! A young Husband, by -my Conscience: Ah Daughter, hadst thou a young Husband, he'd make thee -sigh indeed. I'll tell thee what he's compos'd of. He has a Wig full of -Pulvilio, a Pocket full of Dice, a Heart full of Treason, a Mouth full -of Lyes, a Belly full of Drink, a Carcase full of Plaisters, a Tail -full of Pox, and a Head full of----nothing. There's his Picture: wear -it at thy Heart, if thou can'st but here comes one of greater Worth. - - _Enter ~Esop~._ - -_Lear._ Good Morning to my noble Lord; your Excellency---- - -_Esop._ Softly, good Governor: I'm a poor Wanderer from Place to -Place; too weak to train the Weight of Grandeur with me! The Name of -Excellency's not for me. - -_Lear._ My noble Lord, 'tis due to your Imploy; your Predecessors -all---- - -_Esop._ My Predecessors all deserv'd it, Sir; they were great Men in -Wisdom, Birth and Service; whilst I, a poor, unknown, decrepid Wretch, -mounted aloft for Fortune's Pastime, expect each Moment to conclude the -Farce, by sinking to the Mud from whence I sprung. - -_Lear._ Great _Crœsus_'s Gratitude will still support you; his Coffers -all are open to your Will, your future Fortune's wholly in your Power. - -_Esop._ But 'tis a Power that I shall ne'er employ. - -_Lear._ Why so, my Lord? - -_Esop._ I'll tell you, Sir. - - _A hungry Goat, who had not eat - Some Nights and Days----(for want of Meat) - Was kindly brought at last, - By Providence's Care, - To better Cheer, - After a more than penitential Fast. - He found a Barn well stor'd with Grain: - To enter in requir'd some Pain; - But a delicious Bait - Makes the Way easy, tho' the Pass is strait. - Our Guest observing various Meats, - He put on a good modish Face, - He takes his Place, - He ne'er says Grace, - But where he likes, he there falls to and eats. - At length, with jaded Teeth and Jaws, - He made a Pause; - And finding still some room, - Fell to as he had done before, - For time to come laid in his Store; - And when his Guts cou'd hold no more, - He thought of going home. - But here he met the Glutton's Curse; - He found his Belly grown so great, - 'Twas vain to think of a Retreat, - Till he had render'd all he had eat, - And well he far'd no worse._ - -To the Application, Governor. - -_Lear._ 'Tis easy to be made, my Lord. - -_Esop._ I'm glad on't, Truth can never be too clear. [_Seeing -~Euph~._] Is this young Damsel your fair Daughter, Sir? - -_Lear._ 'Tis my Daughter, my good Lord: Fair too, if she appears such -in the Eyes of the unerring _Esop_. - -_Esop._ [_Going up to salute her._] I never saw so beautiful a Creature. - -_Lear._ [_Aside._] Now's the time; kiss soft, Girl, and fire him. - -_Esop._ [_Gazing at her._] How partial's Nature 'twixt her Form and -mine! - -_Lear._ [_Aside._] Look, look, look, how he gazes at her!----_Cupid_'s -hard at work, I see that already. Slap; there he hits him--if the Wench -would but do her Part. But see, see, how the perverse young Baggage -stands biting her Thumbs, and won't give him one kind Glance----Ah the -sullen Jade! Had it been a handsome strong Dog, of five-and-twenty, -she'd a fall'n a coquetting on't, with every Inch about her. But may be -'tis I that spoils Sport; I'll make a Pretence to leave them together. -Will your Lordship please to drink any Coffee this Morning? - -_Esop._ With all my Heart, Governor. - -_Lear._ Your Lordship will give me leave to go and order it myself; for -unless I am by, 'tis never perfect. - -_Esop._ Provided you leave me this fair Maid in Hostage for your -Return, I consent. - -_Lear._ My good Lord does my Daughter too much Honour. Ah that the -Wench wou'd but do her Part! [_Aside going off._]----Hark, you, -Hussy----[_Turning back to ~Euphronia~, aside._]----You can give -yourself Airs sometimes, you know you can. Do you remember what work -you made with yourself at Church t'other Day? Play your Tricks over -again, once more, for my Pleasure, and let me have a good Account of -this Statesman, or, d'ye hear?----You shall die a Maid; go chew upon -that; go. - - [_Exit ~Lear~._ - -_Esop._ Here I am left, fair Damsel, too much expos'd to your Charms, -not to fall your Victim. - -_Euph._ Your Fall will then be due to your own Weakness, Sir; for, -Heaven's my Witness, I neither endeavour nor wish to wound you. - -_Esop._ I understand you, Lady; your Heart's already dispos'd of; 'tis -seldom otherways, at your Age. - -_Euph._ My Heart dispos'd of! - -_Dor._ Nay, never mince the Matter, Madam. The Gentleman looks like a -civil Gentleman, e'en confess the Truth to him: He has a good Interest -with your Father, and no Doubt will employ it to break the Heathenish -Match he proposes to you. [_To ~Esop~._] Yes, Sir, my young Lady has -been in love these two Years, and that with as pretty a Fellow as ever -entered a Virgin's Heart; tall, strait, young, vigorous, good Clothes, -long Perriwig, clean Linen; in brief, he has every thing that's -necessary to set a young Lady a-longing, and to stay it when he has -done: but her Father, whose Ambition makes him turn Fool in his old -Age, comes with a back Stroke upon us, and spoils all our Sport. Wou'd -you believe it, Sir? He has propos'd to her to-day the most confounded -ugly Fellow! Look, if the very Thoughts of him don't set the poor Thing -a-crying! And you, Sir, have so much Power with the old Gentleman, that -one Word from you would set us all right again. If he will have her a -Wife, in the Name of _Venus_, let him provide her a handsome Husband, -and not throw her into the Paws of a Thing, that Nature, in a merry -Humour, has made half Man, half Monkey. - -_Esop._ Pray, what's this Monster's Name, Lady? - -_Euph._ No matter for his Name, Sir; my Father will know what you mean, -at first Word. - -_Esop._ But you shou'd not always chuse by the Outside alone: believe -me, fair Damsel, a fine Perriwig keeps many a Fool's Head from the -Weather: Have a Care of your young Gallant. - -_Dor._ There's no Danger, I have examin'd him; his Inside's as good as -his out! I say, he has Wit, and I think I know. - -_Euph._ Nay, she says true; he's even a Miracle of Wit and Beauty: Did -you but see him, you'd be yourself my Rival. - -_Esop._ Then you are resolv'd against the Monster? - -_Dor._ Fy, Sir, fy; I wonder you'll put her in Mind of that foul, -frightful Thing: We shall have her dream of nothing all Night but Bats -and Owls, and Toads and Hedge-hogs; and then we shall have such a -squeaking and squalling with her, the whole House will be in an Uproar: -Therefore, pray, Sir, name him no more, but use your Interest with her -Father, that she may never hear of him again. - -_Esop._ But if I shou'd be so generous to save you from the old -Gallant, what shall I say for your young one? - -_Euph._ O, Sir, you may venture to enlarge upon his Perfections; you -need not fear saying too much in his Praise. - -_Dor._ And pray, Sir, be as copious upon the Defects of t'other; you -need not fear out-running the Text there, neither, say the worst you -can. - -_Euph._ You may say, the first is the most graceful Man that _Asia_ -ever brought forth. - -_Dor._ And you may say the latter is the most deform'd Monster that -Copulation ever produc'd. - -_Euph._ Tell him that _Oronces_ (for that is his dear Name) has all the -Virtues that compose a perfect Hero. - -_Dor._ And tell him, that _Pigmy_ has all the Vices that go to equip an -Attorney. - -_Euph._ That to one I cou'd be true to the last Moment of my Life. - -_Dor._ That for t'other, she'd cuckold him the very Day of her -Marriage. This, Sir, in few Words, is the Theme you are desir'd to -preach upon. - -_Esop._ I never yet had one that furnish'd me with more Matter. - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Ser._ My Lord, there's a Lady below desires to speak with your Honour. - -_Esop._ What Lady? - -_Ser._ 'Tis my Lady--my Lady--[_To ~Doris~._] The Lady there, the -wise-Lady, the great Scholar, that Nobody can understand. - -_Dor._ O ho, is it she? Pray let's withdraw, and oblige her, Madam; -she's ready to swoon at the insipid Sight of one of her own Sex. - -_Euph._ You'll excuse us, Sir; we leave you to wiser Company. - - [_Exeunt ~Euph~. and ~Dor~._ - - _Enter ~Hortensia~._ - -_Hort._ The Deess, who from _Atropos_'s Breast preserves the Names of -Heroes and their Actions, proclaims your Fame throughout this mighty -Orb, and---- - -_Esop._ [_Aside._] Shield me, my Stars! What have you sent me here? For -Pity's Sake, good Lady, be more humane: My Capacity is too heavy, to -mount to your Style: If you wou'd have me know what you mean, please to -come down to my Understanding. - - _Hort._ I've something in my Nature soars too high - For vulgar Flight, I own; - But _Esop_'s Sphere must needs be within Call; - _Esop_ and I may sure converse together: - I know he's modest, but I likewise know - His Intellects are categorical. - -_Esop._ Now, by my Faith, Lady, I don't know what _Intellect_ is; and -methinks, _categorical_ sounds as if you call'd me Names. Pray, speak -that you may be understood: Language was design'd for it; indeed it was. - - _Hort._ Of vulgar Things in vulgar Phrase we talk; - But when of _Esop_ we must speak, - The Theme's too lofty for an humble Style: - _Esop_ is sure no common Character. - -_Esop._ No, truly; I am something particular. Yet if I am not mistaken, -what I have extraordinary about me, may be describ'd in very homely -Language. Here was a young Gentlewoman but just now pencil'd me out to -a Hair, I thought; and yet, I vow to God, the learned'st Word I heard -her make use of, was Monster. - - _Hort._ That was a Woman, Sir, a very Woman; - Her Cogitations all were on the outward Man: - But I strike deeper; 'tis the Mind I view. - The Soul's the worthy Object of my Care; - The Soul, that Sample of Divinity, that glorious - Ray of heavenly Light. The Soul, that awful - Throne of Thought, that sacred Seat of Contemplation. - The Soul, that noble Source of Wisdom, - That Fountain of Comfort, - That Spring of Joy, that happy Token of eternal - Life. The Soul, that---- - -_Esop._ Pray, Lady, are you married? - -_Hort._ Why that Question, Sir? - -_Esop._ Only that I might wait upon your Husband, to wish him Joy. - -_Hort._ When People of my Composition would marry, they first find -something of their own Species to join with; I never could resolve -to take a Thing of common Fabric to my Bed, lest, when his brutish -Inclinations prompt him, he shou'd make me Mother to a Form like his -own. - -_Esop._ Methinks, a Lady so extremely nice should be much at a Loss who -to converse with. - -_Hort._ I keep my Chamber, and converse with myself; 'tis better being -alone, than to mis-ally one's Conversation: Men are scandalous, and -Women are insipid: Discourse without Figure makes me sick at my Soul: -O the Charms of a Metaphor! What Harmony there is in the Words of -Erudition! The Musick of them is inimaginable. - -_Esop._ Will you hear a Fable, Lady? - -_Hort._ Willingly, Sir; the Apologue pleases me, when the Application -of it is just. - -_Esop._ It is, I'll answer for it. - - _Once on a Time a Nightingale, - To Changes prone, - Unconstant, fickle, whimsical, - (A Female one) - Who sung like others of her kind, - Hearing a well-taught Linnet's Airs, - Had other Matters in her Mind. - To imitate him she prepares; - Her Fancy strait was on the Wing: - I fly, quoth she, - As well as he; - I don't know why - I should not try - As well as he to sing. - From that Day forth she chang'd her Note, - She spoil'd her Voice, she strain'd her Throat: - She did, as learned Women do, - Till every Thing - That heard her sing - Wou'd run away from her----as I from you._ - - [_~Exit~ Esop ~running~._ - - _~Hortensia~ sola._ - -How grossly does this poor World suffer itself to be impos'd -upon!----_Esop_, a Man of Sense----Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! Alas, poor -Wretch! I shou'd not have known him but by his Deformity; his Soul's -as nauseous to my Understanding, as his odious Body to my Sense of -Feeling. Well, - - _'Mongst all the Wits that are allow'd to shine, - Methinks there's nothing yet approaches mine: - Sure I was sent the homely Age t'adorn; } - What Star, I know not, rul'd when I was born, } - But every Thing besides myself's my Scorn._ } - - [Exit. - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ II. - - - _Enter ~Euphronia~ and ~Doris~._ - -_Dor._ What, in the Name of _Jove_, 's the matter with you? Speak, for -Heaven's sake! - -_Euph._ Oh! what shall I do? _Doris_, I'm undone. - -_Dor._ What, ravish'd? - -_Euph._ No, ten times worse! Ten times worse! Unlace me, or I shall -swoon. - -_Dor._ Unlace you? Why, you are not thereabouts, I hope? - -_Euph._ No no, worse still; worse than all that. - -_Dor._ Nay, then 'tis bad, indeed. - - [_~Doris~ unlaces her._ - -There: How d'ye do now? - -_Euph._ So; 'tis going over. - -_Dor._ Courage, pluck up your Spirits: Well, now what's the matter? - -_Euph._ The matter! Thou shalt hear. Know that--that Cheat--_Esop_---- - -_Dor._ Like enough; speak: What has he done! That ugly ill-boding -Cyclops-- - -_Euph._ Why, instead of keeping his Promise, and speaking for -_Oronces_, he has not said one Word, but what has been for himself. And -by my Father's Order, before to-morrow Noon he's to marry me. - -_Dor._ He marry you! - -_Euph._ Am I in the wrong to be in this Despair? Tell me, _Doris_, if I -am to blame. - -_Dor._ To blame? No, by my troth. That ugly, old, treacherous piece -of Vermin--that melancholy Mixture of Impotence and Desire--does his -Mouth stand to a young Partridge? Ah the old Goat! And your Father! He -downright doats at last, then. - -_Euph._ Ah, _Doris_, what a Husband does he give me! And what a Lover -does he rob me of! Thou know'st 'em both; think of _Oronces_, and think -of _Esop_. - -_Dor._ [_Spitting._] A foul Monster! And yet, now I think on't, I'm -almost as angry at t'other too: Methinks he makes but a slow Voyage -on't, for a Man in Love: 'Tis now above two Months since he went to -_Lesbos_, to pack up the old Bones of his dead Father; sure he might -have made a little more Haste. - - _Enter ~Oronces~._ - -_Euph._ Oh! my Heart, what do I see? - -_Dor._ Talk of the Devil, and he's at your Elbow. - -_Oron._ My dear Soul! - - [_~Euph.~ runs and leaps about his Neck._ - -_Euph._ Why wou'd you stay so long from me? - -_Oron._ 'Twas not my Fault, indeed; the Winds---- - -_Dor._ The Winds! Will the Winds blow you your Mistress again? We -have had Winds too, and Waves into the Bargain; Storms and Tempests, -Sea-Monsters, and the Devil and all. She struggled as long as she -cou'd, but a Woman can do no more than she can do; when her Breath was -gone, down she sunk. - -_Oron._ What's the meaning of all this? - -_Dor._ There's meaning and mumping too: your Mistress is married: -that's all. - -_Oron._ Death and Furies---- - -_Euph._ [_Clinging about him._] Don't you frighten him too much, -neither, _Doris_. No, my Dear, I'm not yet executed, tho' I'm condemn'd. - -_Oron._ Condemn'd! To what? Speak! Quick! - -_Dor._ To be married. - -_Oron._ Married? When? How? Where? To what? To whom? - -_Dor. Esop, Esop, Esop, Esop, Esop._ - -_Oron._ Fiends and Spectres! What! That piece of Deformity! That -Monster! That Crump! - -_Dor._ The same, Sir, the same. I find he knows him. You might have -come home sooner. - -_Oron._ Dear _Euphronia_, ease me from my Pain. Swear that you neither -have nor will consent. I know this comes from your ambitious Father; -But you're too generous, too true to leave me: Millions of Kingdoms -ne'er wou'd shake my Faith, And I believe your Constancy as firm. - -_Euph._ You do me Justice, you shall find you do: For Racks and -Tortures, Crowns and Scepters join'd, shall neither fright me from my -Truth, nor tempt me to be false. On this you may depend. - -_Dor._ Wou'd to the Lord you wou'd find some other Place to make your -fine Speeches in! Don't you know that your dear Friend _Esop_'s coming -to receive his Visits here? In this great downy Chair, your pretty -little Husband Elect is to sit and hear all the Complaints of the Town: -One of Wisdom's chief Recompences being to be constantly troubled with -the Business of Fools. Pray, Madam, will you take the Gentleman by the -Hand, and lead him into your Chamber; and when you are there, don't -lie whining, and crying, and sighing, and wishing----[_Aside._] If -he had not been more modest than wise, he might have set such a Mark -upon the Goods before now, that ne'er a Merchant of 'em all wou'd have -bought 'em out of his Hands. But young Fellows are always in the wrong: -Either so impudent they are nauseous, or so modest they are useless. -Go; pray get you gone together. - -_Euph._ But if my Father catch us, we are ruin'd. - -_Dor._ By my Conscience, this Love will make us all turn Fools. Before -your Father can open the Door, can't he slip down the Back-stairs? I'm -sure he may, if you don't hold him; but that's the old Trade. Ah--Well, -get you gone, however----Hark----I hear the old Baboon cough; away! -[_Ex. ~Oron.~ and ~Euph.~ running._] Here he comes, with his ugly Beak -before him. Ah--a luscious Bedfellow, by my troth! - - _Enter ~Learchus~ and ~Esop~._ - -_Lear._ Well, _Doris_; what News from my Daughter? Is she prudent? - -_Dor._ Yes, very prudent. - -_Lear._ What says she? What does she do? - -_Dor._ Do? What shou'd she do? Tears her Cornet; bites her Thumbs; -throws her Fan in the Fire; thinks 'tis dark Night at Noon-day; dreams -of Monsters and Hobgoblins; raves in her Sleep of forc'd Marriage -and Cuckoldom; cries, _Avaunt_ Deformity; then wakens on a sudden, -with fifty Arguments at her Fingers-ends to prove the Lawfulness of -Rebellion in a Child, when a Parent turns Tyrant. - -_Lear._ Very fine! But all this shan't serve her turn. I have said the -Word, and will be obey'd----My Lord does her Honour. - -_Dor._ [_Aside._] Yes, and that's all he can do to her. [_To ~Lear~._] -But I can't blame the Gentleman, after all; he loves my Mistress, -because she's handsome; and she hates him, because he's ugly. I never -saw two People more in the right in my Life. [_To ~Esop~._] You'll -pardon me, Sir, I'm somewhat free. - -_Esop._ Why, a Ceremony wou'd but take up time. But, Governor, methinks -I have an admirable Advocate about your Daughter. - -_Lear._ Out of the Room, Impudence: be gone, I say. - -_Dor._ So I will: But you'll be as much in the wrong when I'm gone, as -when I'm here. And your Conscience, I hope, will talk as pertly to you -as I can do. - -_Esop._ If she treats me thus before my face, I may conclude I'm finely -handled behind my Back. - -_Dor._ I say the Truth here; and I can say no worse any where. - - [_Exit ~Doris~._ - -_Lear._ I hope your Lordship won't be concern'd at what this prattling -Wench bleats out: my Daughter will be govern'd. She's bred up to -Obedience. There may be some small Difficulty in weaning her from her -young Lover: But 'twon't be the first time she has been wean'd from a -Breast, my Lord. - -_Esop._ Does she love him fondly, Sir? - -_Lear._ Foolishly, my Lord. - -_Esop._ And he her? - -_Lear._ The same. - -_Esop._ Is he young? - -_Lear._ Yes, and vigorous. - -_Esop._ Rich? - -_Lear._ So, so. - -_Esop._ Well-born? - -_Lear._ He has good Blood in his Veins. - -_Esop._ Has he Wit? - -_Lear._ He had, before he was in Love. - -_Esop._ And handsome with all this? - -_Lear._ Or else we shou'd not have half so much trouble with him. - -_Esop._ Why do you, then, make her quit him for me? All the World knows -I am neither young, noble, nor rich: And as for my Beauty----Look you, -Governor, I'm honest. But when Children cry, they tell 'em _Esop_'s -a-coming. Pray, Sir, what is it makes you so earnest to force your -Daughter? - -_Lear._ Am I, then, to count for nothing the favour you are in at -Court? Father-in-law to the great _Esop_! What may not I aspire to? My -foolish Daughter, perhaps, mayn't be so well pleas'd with it, but we -wise Parents usually weigh our Children's Happiness in the Scale of our -own Inclinations. - -_Esop._ Well, Governor, let it be your Care, then, to make her consent. - -_Lear._ This Moment, my Lord, I reduce her either to Obedience, or to -Dust and Ashes. - - [_Exit ~Lear~._ - -_Esop._ Adieu. Now let in the People who come for Audience. - - [_~Esop~ sits in his Chair, reading of Papers._ - - _Enter two ordinary Tradesmen._ - -_1 Tra._ There he is, Neighbour: Do but look at him. - -_2 Tra._ Aye; one may know him: He's well mark'd. But do'st hear me? -What Title must we give him? for if we fail in that point, d'ye see me, -we shall never get our Business done. Courtiers love Titles almost as -well as they do Money, and that's a bold Word now. - -_1 Tra._ Why, I think we had best call him, his Grandeur. - -_2 Tra._ That will do; thou hast hit on't. Hold still, let me speak. -May it please your Grandeur---- - -_Esop._ There I interrupt you, Friend; I have a weak Body that will -ne'er be able to bear that Title. - -_2 Tra._ D'ye hear that, Neighbour? What shall we call him now? - -_1 Tra._ Why, call him, call him, his Excellency; try what that will do. - -_2 Tra._ May it please your Excellency---- - -_Esop._ Excellency's a long Word, it takes up too much time in -Business: Tell me what you'd have in few Words. - -_2 Tra._ - - Neighbour, this Man will never give - Ten thousand Pounds to be made a Lord. - But what shall I say to him now? - He puts me quite out of my play. - -_1 Tra._ Why e'en talk to him as we do to one another. - -_2 Tra._ Shall I? Why, so I will, then. Hem! Neighbour, we want a new -Governor, Neighbour. - -_Esop._ A new Governor, Friend? - -_2 Tra._ Aye, Friend. - -_Esop._ Why, what's the matter with your old one? - -_2 Tra._ - - What's the matter! - Why, he grows rich; that's the matter; - And he that's rich can't be innocent; that's all. - -_Esop._ Does he use any of you harshly? Or punish you without a Fault? - -_2 Tra._ No, but he grows as rich as a Miser; his Purse is so cramm'd, -'tis ready to burst again. - -_Esop._ When 'tis full, 'twill hold no more; a new Governor will have -an empty one. - -_2 Tra._ 'Fore Gad, Neighbour, the little Gentleman's in the right on't. - -_1 Tra._ - - Why, truly, I don't know but he may: - For now it comes in my Head, - It cost me more Money to fat my Hog, - Than to keep him fat when he was so. - Pr'ythee tell him we'll keep our old Governor. - -_2 Tra._ I'll do't. Why, look you, Sir, d'ye see me: Having seriously -consider'd of the matter, my Neighbour _Hobson_ and I here, we are -content to jog on a little longer with him we have: but if you'd do us -another Courtesy, you might. - -_Esop._ What's that, Friend? - -_2 Tra._ Why, that's this: Our King Crœsus is a very good Prince, -as a Man may say: But----a----but--Taxes are high, an't please you; -and----a----poor Men want Money, d'ye see me: 'Tis very hard, as we -think, that the Poor shou'd work to maintain the Rich. If there were no -Taxes, we shou'd do pretty well. - -_1 Tra._ Taxes, indeed, are very burdensome. - -_Esop._ I'll tell you a Story, Countrymen. - - _Once on a time, the Hands and Feet, - As Mutineers, grew mighty great; - They met, caball'd, and talk'd of Treason, - They swore by ~Jove~ they knew no Reason - The Belly shou'd have all the Meat-- } - It was a damn'd notorious Cheat } - They did the Work, and--Death and Hell, they'd eat. } - The Belly, who ador'd good Chear, - Had like t'have dy'd away for Fear: - Quoth he, Good Folks, you little know } - What 'tis you are about to do; } - If I am starv'd, what will become of you? } - We neither know nor care, cry'd they, - But this we will be bound to say, - We'll see you damn'd - Before we'll work, - And you receive the Pay. - With that the Hands to Pocket went - Full Wrist-band deep, - The Legs and Feet fell fast asleep: - Their Liberty they had redeem'd, - And all, except the Belly, seem'd - Extremely well content. - But mark what follow'd; 'twas not long - Before the right became the wrong; - The Mutineers were grown so weak, - They found 'twas more than time to squeak: - They call for work, but 'twas too late. - The Stomach (like an aged Maid, } - Shrunk up, for want of human Aid) } - The common Debt of Nature paid, } - And with its Destiny entrain'd their Fate._ } - -_Esop._ What think you of this Story, Friends, ha? Come, you look like -wise Men; I'm sure you understand what's for your good; in giving part -of what you have, you secure all the rest: If the King had no Money, -there cou'd be no Army; and if there were no Army, your Enemies would -be amongst you: One Day's Pillage wou'd be worse than twenty Years' -Taxes. What say ye? Is't not so? - -_2 Tra._ By my troth, I think he's in the right on't, again. Who'd -think that little Hump-back of his Shou'd have so much Brains in't, -Neighbour? - -_Esop._ Well, honest Men, is there any thing else that I can serve you -in? - -_1 Tra._ D'ye hear that, _Humphry_?----Why, that was civil now. But -Courtiers seldom want Good-breeding; let's give the Devil his due. Why, -to tell you the truth, honest Gentlemen, we had a whole Budget full of -Grievances to complain of. But I think----a----Ha, Neighbour? We had -e'en as good let 'em alone. - -_1 Tra._ Why good feath I think so too; for by all I can see, we are -like to make no great hond on't. Besides, between thee and me, I began -to daubt, whether aur Grievances do us such a plaguy deal of Mischief -as we fancy. - -_2 Tra._ Or put the Case they did, _Humphry_; I'se afraid he that goes -to a Courtier, in hope to get fairly rid of 'em, may be said (in our -Country Dialect) to take the wrong Sow by the Ear. But here's Neighbour -_Roger_, he's a Wit, let's leave him to him. - - [_Exeunt._ - - _Enter ~Roger~, a Country Bumkin, looks seriously upon ~Esop~; - then bursts out a laughing._ - -_Rog._ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Did ever Mon behold the like? Ha, ha, ha, -ha, ha! - -_Esop._ Hast thou any business with me, Friend? - - _Rog._ Yes, by my troth, have I; - But if _Roger_ were to be hang'd up for't, - Look you now, he cou'd not hold laughing: - What I have in my Mind, out it comes: But bar that; - I'se on honest Lad as well as another. - -_Esop._ My time's dearer to me than yours, Friend; have you any thing -to say to me? - -_Rog._ Gadswookers, do People use to ask for Folks when they have -nothing to say to 'em: I'se tell you my Business. - -_Esop._ Let's hear it. - -_Rog._ I have, as you see, a little Wit. - -_Esop._ True. - -_Rog._ I live in a Village hard by, and I'se the best Man in it, tho' -I say it that should not say it. I have good Drink in my Cellar, and -good Corn in my Barn: I have Cows and Oxen, Hogs and Sheep, Cocks and -Hens, and Geese and Turkeys: But the Truth will out, and so let it -out. I'se e'en tired of being call'd plain _Roger_. I has a Leathern -Purse, and in that Purse there's many a fair Half-crown, with the -King's sweet Face upon it, God bless him; and with his Money, I have a -mind to bind myself 'Prentice to a Courtier: 'Tis a good Trade, as I -have heard say; there's Money stirring: Let a Lad be but diligent, and -do what he's bid, he shall be let into the Secret, and share Part of -the Profits; I have not lived to these Years for nothing: Those that -will swim must go into deep water: I'se get our Wife _Joan_ to be the -Queen's Chamber-maid; and then----Crack, says me I; and forget all -my Acquaintance. But to come to the Business. You who are the King's -great Favourite, I desire you'd be pleas'd to sell me some of your -Friendship, that I may get a Court-Place. Come, you shall chuse me one -yourself; you look like a shrewd Man; by the Mass, you do. - -_Esop._ I chuse thee a Place! - -_Rog._ Yes, I wou'd willingly have it such a sort of a Place, as wou'd -cost little, and bring in a great deal; in a Word, much Profit, and -nothing to do. - -_Esop._ But you must name what Post you think wou'd suit your Humour. - -_Rog._ Why I'se pratty indifferent as to that: Secretary of State, or -Butler; twenty Shillings more, or twenty Shillings less, is not the -thing I stand upon. I'se no Hagler, Godswookers; and he that says I -am--'Zbud he lies: There's my Humour now. - -_Esop._ But hark you, Friend, you say you are well as you are, why then -do you desire to change? - -_Rog._ Why what a Question now is there for a Man of your Parts? I'm -well, d'ye see me; and what of all that? I desire to be better: There's -an Answer for you. [_Aside._] Let _Roger_ alone with him. - -_Esop._ Very well: This is reasoning; and I love a Man should reason -with me. But let us enquire a little whether your Reasons are good or -not. You say, at home you want for nothing? - -_Rog._ Nothing, 'fore _George_. - -_Esop._ You have good Drink? - -_Rog._ 'Zbud, the best i'th' Parish. [_Singing._] And dawne it merrily -goes, my Lad, and dawne it merrily goes. - -_Esop._ You eat heartily? - -_Rog._ I have a noble Stomach. - -_Esop._ You sleep well? - -_Rog._ Just as I drink, till I can sleep no longer. - -_Esop._ You have some honest Neighbours? - -_Rog._ Honest! 'Zbud we are all so, the Tawne raund, we live like -Breether; when one can sarve another, he does it with all his Heart and -Guts; when we have any thing that's good, we eat it together, Holidays -and Sundays we play at Nine-pins, tumble upon the Grass with wholesome -young Maids, laugh till we split, daunce till we are weary, eat till we -burst, drink till we are sleepy, then swap into Bed, and snore till we -rise to Breakfast. - -_Esop._ And all this thou wou'dst leave to go to Court? I'll tell thee -what once happen'd: - - _A Mouse, who long had liv'd at Court, } - (Yet ne'er the better Christian for't) } - Walking one Day to see some Country Sport, } - He met a home-bred Village-Mouse; - Who with an awkward Speech and Bow, } - That savour'd much of Cart and Plow, } - Made a shift, I know not how, } - T' invite him to his House. - Quoth he, My Lord, I doubt you'll find - Our Country Fare of homely kind; - But by my troth, you're welcome to't, - Y'ave that, and Bread and Cheese to boot: - And so they sat and din'd._ - - _Rog._ Very well. - - _Esop._ _The ~Courtier~ cou'd have eat at least - As much as any Houshold Priest, - But thought himself oblig'd in Feeding, - To shew the difference of Town breeding; - He pick'd and cull'd, and turn'd the Meat, - He champt and chew'd, and cou'd not eat: - No toothless Woman at Fourscore, - Was ever seen to mumble more. - He made a thousand ugly Faces, } - Which (as sometimes in Ladies cases) } - Were all design'd for Airs and Graces._ } - - _Rog._ Ha, ha! - - Esop. _At last he from the Table rose, - He pick'd his Teeth and blow'd his Nose, - And with an easy Negligence, - As tho' he lately came from France, - He made a careless sliding Bow: - 'Fore Gad, quoth he, I don't know how - I shall return your friendly Treat; - But if you'll take a bit of Meat - In Town with me, - You there shall see, - How we poor Courtiers eat._ - - _Rog._ Tit for tat; that was friendly. - - Esop. _There needed no more Invitation - To e'er a Country 'Squire i'th' Nation: - Exactly to the time he came, - Punctual as Woman when she meets - A Man between a pair of Sheets, - As good a Stomach, and as little Shame._ - - _Rog._ Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! - - Esop. _To say the Truth, he found good Chear, - With Wine, instead of Ale and Beer: - But just as they sat down to eat, - Came bouncing in a hungry Cat._ - - _Rog._ O Lord, O Lord, O Lord! - - Esop. _The nimble Courtier skipt from Table, - The 'Squire leapt too, as he was able: - It can't be said that they were beat, - It was no more than a Retreat; - Which when an Army, not to fight - By Day-light, runs away by Night, - Was ever judg'd a great and glorious Feat._ - - _Rog._ Ever, ever, ever. - - Esop. _The Cat retir'd, our Guests return, - The Danger past becomes their Scorn, - They fall to eating as before, - The Butler rumbles at the Door._ - - _Rog._ Good Lord! - - Esop. _To Boot and Saddle again they sound._ - - _Rog._ Ta ra, tan tan ta ra, ra ra tan ta ra. - - Esop. _They frown, as they wou'd stand their Ground, - But (like some of our Friends) they found - 'Twas safer much to scour._ - - _Rog._ Tantive, Tantive, Tantive, _&c._ - - Esop. _At length the 'Squire, who hated Arms, - Was so perplext with these Alarms, - He rose up in a kind of Heat, - Udswookers, quoth he, with all your Meat, - I will maintain, a Dish of Pease, - A Radish, and a Slice of Cheese, - With a good Desert of Ease, - Is much a better Treat. - However, - Since every Man shou'd have his due, - I own, Sir, I'm oblig'd to you - For your Intentions at your Board: - But Pox upon your courtly Crew----_ - -_Rog._ _Amen_, I pray the Lord. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Now the De'el -cuckold me if this Story be not worth a Sermon. Give me your Hond, -Sir.----If it had na' been for your friendly Advice, I was going to be -Fool enough to be Secretary of State. - -_Esop._ Well, go thy ways home, and be wiser for the future. - -_Rog._ And so I will: For that same Mause, your Friend, was a witty -Person, gadsbudlikins! and so our Wife _Joan_ shall know: For between -you and I, 'tis she has put me upon going to Court. Sir, she has been -so praud, so saucy, so rampant, ever since I brought her home a lac'd -Pinner, and a pink-colour'd pair of Shoe-strings, from _Tickledowne_ -Fair, the Parson o'th' Parish can't rule her; and that you'll say's -much. But so much for that. Naw I thank you for your good Counsel, -honest little Gentleman; and to shew you that I'se not ungrateful--give -me your Hond once more----If you'll take the pains but to walk dawne to -our Towne--a Word in your Ear----I'se send you so drunk whome again, -you shall remember friendly _Roger_ as long as you have Breath in your -Body. - - [_Exit ~Roger~_ - - _Esop. ~solus~._ - - Farewel, what I both envy and despise! - Thy Happiness and Ignorance provoke me. - How noble were the thing call'd Knowledge, - Did it but lead us to a Bliss like thine! - But there's a secret Curse in Wisdom's Train, } - Which on its Pleasures stamps perpetual Pain, } - And makes the wise Man Loser by his Gain. } - - [_Exit._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ III. - - - _Enter ~Esop~._ - -_Esop._ Who waits there? - - [_Enter Servant._ - -If there be any body that has Business with me, let 'em in. - -_Serv._ Yes, Sir. - - [_Exit Serv._ - - _Enter ~Quaint~, who stands at a distance, making a great - many fawning Bows._ - -_Esop._ Well, Friend, who are you? - -_Quaint._ My Name's _Quaint_, Sir, the profoundest of all your Honour's -humble Servants. - -_Esop._ And what may your Business be with me, Sir? - -_Quaint._ My Business, Sir, with every Man, is first of all to do him -Service. - -_Esop._ And your next is, I suppose, to be paid for't twice as much as -'tis worth. - -_Quaint._ Your Honour's most obedient humble Servant. - -_Esop._ Well, Sir, but upon what Account am I going to be oblig'd to -you? - -_Quaint._ Sir, I'm a Genealogist. - -_Esop._ A Genealogist! - -_Quaint._ At your Service, Sir. - -_Esop._ So, Sir? - -_Quaint._ Sir, I am inform'd from common Fame, as well as from some -little private familiar Intelligence, that your Wisdom is ent'ring into -Treaty with the _Primum Mobilè_ of Good and Evil, a fine Lady. I have -travell'd, Sir; I have read, Sir; I have consider'd, Sir; and I find, -Sir, that the Nature of a fine Lady is to be----a fine Lady, Sir; a -fine Lady's a fine Lady, Sir, all the World over;----she loves a fine -House, fine Furniture, fine Clothes, fine Liveries, fine Petticoats, -fine Smocks; and if she stops there--she's a fine Lady indeed, Sir. -But to come to my Point. It being the _Lydian_ Custom, that the fair -Bride should be presented on her Wedding-day with something that -may signify the Merit and the Worth of her dread Lord and Master, I -thought the noble _Esop_'s Pedigree might be the welcom'st Gift that he -could offer. If his Honour be of the same Opinion--I'll speak a bold -Word--there's ne'er a Herald in all _Asia_ shall put better Blood in -his Veins, than--Sir, your humble Servant, _Jacob Quaint_. - -_Esop._ Dost thou then know my Father, Friend? For I protest to thee I -am a Stranger to him. - -_Quaint._ Your Father, Sir? Ha, ha! I know every Man's Father, Sir; and -every Man's Grandfather, and every Man's Great Grandfather. Why, Sir, -I'm a Herald by Nature, my Mother was a _Welchwoman_. - -_Esop._ A _Welchwoman_? Pr'ythee of what Country is that? - -_Quaint._ That, Sir, is a Country in the World's Backside, where -every Man is born a Gentleman and a Genealogist. Sir, I cou'd tell my -Mother's Pedigree before I could speak plain; which, to shew you the -Depth of my Art, and the Strength of my Memory, I'll trundle you down -in an instant. _Noah_ had three Sons, _Shem_, _Ham_, and _Japhet_; -_Shem_---- - -_Esop._ Hold, I conjure thee, in the Name of all thy Ancestors. - -_Quaint._ Sir, I cou'd take it higher, but I begin at Noah for -brevity's sake. - -_Esop._ No more on't, I intreat thee. - -_Quaint._ Your Honour's impatient, perhaps, to hear your own Descent. -_A Word to the wise is enough._ Hem, hem! _Solomon_, the wise King of -_Judea_---- - -_Esop._ Hold, once more! - -_Quaint._ Ha, ha! Your Honour's modest, but----_Solomon_, the wise King -of _Judea_---- - -_Esop._ Was my Ancestor, was he not? - -_Quaint._ He was, my Lord, which no one sure can doubt, who observes -how much of Prince there hangs about you. - -_Esop._ What! Is't in my Mien? - -_Quaint._ You have something----wondrous noble in your Air. - -_Esop._ Personable too; view me well. - -_Quaint._ N----not Tall; but Majestick. - -_Esop._ My Shape? - -_Quaint._ A World of Symmetry in it. - -_Esop._ The Lump upon my Back? - -_Quaint._ N----not regular; but agreeable. - -_Esop._ Now by my Honesty thou art a Villain, Herald. But Flattery's a -Thrust I never fail to parry. 'Tis a Pass thou should'st reserve for -young Fencers; with Feints like those they're to be hit: I do not doubt -but thou hast found it so; hast not? - -_Quaint._ I must confess, Sir, I have sometimes made 'em bleed by't. -But I hope your Honour will please to excuse me, since, to speak the -Truth, I get my Bread by't, and maintain my Wife and Children: And -Industry, you know, Sir, is a commendable Thing. Besides, Sir, I have -debated the Business a little with my Conscience; for I'm like the rest -of my Neighbours, I'd willingly get Money, and be sav'd too, if the -Thing may be done upon any reasonable Terms: And so, Sir, I say, to -quiet my Conscience, I have found out at last, that Flattery is a Duty. - -_Esop._ A Duty! - -_Quaint._ Ay, Sir, a Duty: For the Duty of all Men is to make one -another pass their time as pleasantly as they can. Now, Sir, here's -a young Lord, who has a great deal of Land, a great deal of Title, a -great deal of Meat, a great deal of Noise, a great many Servants, and -a great many Diseases. I find him very dull, very restless, tir'd with -Ease, cloy'd with Plenty, a Burden to himself, and a Plague to his -Family. I begin to flatter: He springs off of the Couch; turns himself -round in the Glass; finds all I say true; cuts a Caper a yard high; his -Blood trickles round his Veins; his Heart's as light as his Heels; and -before I leave him----his Purse is as empty as his Head. So we both are -content; for we part much happier than we met. - -_Esop._ Admirable Rogue! What dost thou think of Murder and of Rape, -are not they Duties too? Wert not for such vile fawning Things as thou -art, young Nobles wou'd not long be what they are: They'd grow asham'd -of Luxury and Ease, and rouse up the old Spirit of their Fathers; leave -the pursuit of a poor frightned Hare, and make their Foes to tremble in -their stead; furnish their Heads with Sciences and Arts, and fill their -Hearts with Honour, Truth and Friendship; Be generous to some, and -just to all; drive home their Creditors with Bags of Gold, instead of -chasing 'em away with Swords and Staves; be faithful to their King and -Country both, and stab the Offerer of a Bribe from either; blush even -at a wandering Thought of Vice, and boldly own they durst be Friends to -Virtue; trembling at nothing but the Frowns of Heaven, and be no more -asham'd of Him that made 'em. - -_Quaint._ [_Aside._] If I stand to hear this Crump preach a little -longer, I shall be Fool enough perhaps to be bubbled out of my -Livelyhood, and so lose a Bird in the Hand for two in the Bush. Sir, -since I have not been able to bring you to a good Opinion of yourself, -'tis very probable I shall scarce prevail with you to have one of -me. But if you please to do me the favour to forget me, I shall ever -acknowledge myself----Sir, your most obedient, faithful, humble Servant. - -_Esop._ Hold; if I let thee go, and give thee nothing, thou'lt be apt -to grumble at me; and therefore----who waits there? - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Quaint._ [_Aside._] I don't like his Looks, by Gad. - -_Esop._ I'll present thee with a Token of my Love. - -_Quaint._ A--another time, Sir, will do as well. - -_Esop._ No; I love to be out of Debt, tho' 'tis being out of the -Fashion. So, d'ye hear! Give this honest Gentleman half a score good -Strokes on the Back with a Cudgel. - -_Quaint._ By no means in the World, Sir. - -_Esop._ Indeed, Sir, you shall take 'em. - -_Quaint._ Sir, I don't merit half your Bounty. - -_Esop._ O 'tis but a Trifle! - -_Quaint._ Your Generosity makes me blush. - - [_Looking about to make his Escape._ - -_Esop._ That's your Modesty, Sir. - -_Quaint._ Sir, you are pleased to compliment. But a----twenty Pedigrees -for a clear Coast. - - [_Running off, the Servant after him._ - -_Esop._ Wait upon him down Stairs, Fellow; I'd do't myself, were I but -nimble enough; but he makes haste, to avoid Ceremony. - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Serv._ Sir, here's a Lady in great haste, desires to speak with you. - -_Esop._ Let her come in. - - _Enter ~Aminta~, weeping._ - -_Amin._ O Sir, if you don't help me, I'm undone. - -_Esop._ What, what's the Matter, Lady? - -_Amin._ My Daughter, Sir, my Daughter's run away with a filthy Fellow. - -_Esop._ A slippery Trick indeed! - -_Amin._ For Heaven's sake, Sir, send immediately to pursue 'em, and -seize 'em. But 'tis in vain, 'twill be too late, 'twill be too late; -I'll warrant at this very Moment they are got together in a Room with -a Couch in't; all's gone, all's gone; tho' 'twere made of Gold, 'tis -lost: Oh! my Honour, my Honour. A forward Girl she was always; I saw -it in her Eyes the very Day of her Birth. - -_Esop._ That indeed was early; but how do you know she's gone with a -Fellow? - -_Amin._ I have e'en her own insolent Hand-writing for't: Sir, take but -the pains to read what a Letter she has left me. - -_Esop._ Reads. - - _I love and am belov'd, and that's the Reason I run away._ - -Short, but significant!----_I'm sure there's no Body knows better than -your Ladyship what Allowances are to be made to Flesh and Blood; I -therefore hope this from your Justice, that what you have done three -Times yourself, you'll pardon once in your Daughter._ _The Dickens!_ - -_Amin._ Now, Sir, what do you think of the Business? - -_Esop._ Why truly, Lady, I think it one of the most natural Businesses -I have met with a great while. I'll tell you a Story. - - _A Crab-fish once her Daughter told, - (In Terms that savour'd much of Scold) - She cou'd not bear to see her go - Sidle, sidle, to and fro: - The Devil's in the Wench, quoth she, - When so much Money has been paid - To polish you like me, - It makes me almost mad to see - Y'are still so awkward, an ungainly Jade. - Her Daughter smil'd, and look'd a-skew; } - She answer'd (for to give her her due) } - Pertly, as most Folks Daughters do: } - Madam, your Ladyship, quoth she, - Is pleas'd to blame in me - What, on Enquiry, you may find, - Admits a passable Excuse, - From a Proverb much in use, - ~That Cat will after kind~._ - -_Amin._ Sir, I took you to be a Man better bred, than to liken a Lady -to a Crab-fish. - -_Esop._ What I want in Good-breeding, Lady, I have in Truth and -Honesty: As what you have wanted in Virtue, you have had in a good Face. - -_Amin._ Have had, Sir! What I have had, I have still; and shall have a -great while, I hope. I'm no Grandmother, Sir. - -_Esop._ But in a fair way for't, Madam. - -_Amin._ Thanks to my Daughter's Forwardness then, not my Years. I'd -have you to know, Sir, I have never a Wrinkle in my Face. A young pert -Slut! Who'd think she shou'd know so much at her Age? - -_Esop._ Good Masters make quick Scholars, Lady; she has learn'd her -Exercise from you. - -_Amin._ But where's the Remedy, Sir? - -_Esop._ In trying if a good Example will reclaim her, as an ill one has -debauch'd her. Live private, and avoid Scandal. - -_Amin._ Never speak it; I can no more retire, than I can go to Church -twice on a Sunday. - -_Esop._ What, your youthful Blood boils in your Veins, I'll warrant? - -_Amin._ I have Warmth enough to endure the Air, old Gentleman. I need -not shut myself up in a House these twenty Years. - -_Esop._ [_Aside._] She takes a long Lease of Lewdness: She'll be an -admirable Tenant to Lust. - -_Amin._ [_Walking hastily to and fro._] People think when a Woman is -turn'd Forty, she's old enough to turn out of the World: But I say, -when a Woman is turn'd Forty, she's old enough to have more Wit. The -most can be said is, her Face is the worse for wearing: I'll answer -for all the rest of her Fabrick. The Men wou'd be to be pity'd, by my -troth, wou'd they, if we shou'd quit the Stage, and leave 'em nothing -but a parcel of young pert Sluts, that neither know how to speak -Sense, nor keep themselves clean. But, don't let 'em fear, we a'n't -going yet----[_~Esop~ stares upon her, and as she turns from him, runs -off the Stage._] How now! What left alone! An unmannerly Piece of -Deformity! Methinks he might have had Sense enough to have made Love -to me. But I have found Men strangely dull for the last ten or twelve -Years: Sure they'll mend in Time, or the World won't be worth living in. - - _For let Philosophers say all they can, - The Source of Women's Joys is plac'd in Man._ - - [Exit. - - _Enter ~Learchus~ and ~Euphronia~, ~Doris~ following at - a Distance._ - -_Lear._ [_To Euph._] I must tell you, Mistress, I'm too mild with you; -Parents shou'd never intreat their Children, nor will I hereafter. -Therefore, in a Word, let _Esop_ be lov'd, let _Oronces_ be hated; let -one be a Peacock, let t'other be a Bat: I'm Father, you are Daughter; I -command, and you shall obey. - -_Euph._ I never yet did otherwise; nor shall I now, Sir; but pray let -Reason guide you. - -_Lear._ So it does: But 'tis my own, not yours, Hussy. - -_Dor._ Ah--Well, I'll say no more; but were I in her Place, by the -Mass, I'd have a tug for't. - -_Lear._ Dæmon, born to distract me! Whence art thou, in the Name of -Fire and Brimstone? Have I not satisfy'd thee? Have I not paid thee -what's thy due? And have not I turn'd thee out of Doors, with Orders -never more to stride my Threshold, ha? Answer, abominable Spirit; what -is't that makes thee haunt me? - -_Dor._ A foolish Passion to do you good, in spite of your Teeth: Pox on -me for my Zeal, I say. - -_Lear._ And Pox on thee, and thy Zeal too, I say. - -_Dor._ Now if it were not for her Sake more than for yours, I'd leave -all to your own Management, to be reveng'd of you. But rather than I'll -see that sweet Thing sacrificed--I'll play the Devil in your House. - -_Lear._ Patience, I summon thee to my Aid. - -_Dor._ Passion, I defy thee; to the last Drop of my Blood I'll maintain -my Ground. What have you to charge me with? Speak! I love your Child -better than you do, and you can't bear that, ha? Is't not so? Nay, -'tis well y'are asham'd on't; there's some Sign of Grace still. Look -you, Sir, in a few Words, you'll make me mad; and 'twere enough to -make any Body mad (who has Brains enough to be so) to see so much -Virtue shipwreck'd at the very Port. The World never saw a Virgin -better qualify'd; so witty, so discreet, so modest, so chaste: in a -Word, I brought her up myself, and 'twould be the Death of me to see -so virtuous a Maid become a lewd Wife; which is the usual Effect of -Parents Pride and Covetousness. - -_Lear._ How, Strumpet! wou'd any Thing be able to debauch my Daughter? - -_Dor._ Your Daughter! Yes, your Daughter, and myself into the Bargain: -A Woman's but a Woman; and I'll lay a hundred Pound on Nature's side. -Come, Sir, few Words dispatch Business. Let who will be the Wife of -_Esop_, she's a Fool, or he's a Cuckold. But you'll never have a true -Notion of this Matter, till you suppose yourself in your Daughter's -Place. As thus: You are a pretty, soft, warm, wishing young Lady: I'm a -straight, proper, handsome, vigorous, young Fellow. You have a peevish, -positive, covetous, old Father, and he forces you to marry a little, -lean, crooked, dry, sapless Husband. This Husband's gone abroad, you -are left at home. I make you a Visit; find you all alone: the Servant -pulls to the Door; the Devil comes in at the Window. I begin to -wheedle, you begin to melt: you like my Person, and therefore believe -all I say: so first I make you an Atheist, and then I make you a Whore. -Thus the World goes, Sir. - -_Lear._ Pernicious Pestilence! Has not thy eternal Tongue run down its -Larum yet? - -_Dor._ Yes. - -_Lear._ Then go out of my House, Abomination. - -_Dor._ I'll not stir a Foot. - -_Lear._ Who waits there? Bring me my great Stick. - -_Dor._ Bring you a Stick! Bring you a Head-piece: That you'd call for, -if you knew your own wants. - -_Lear._ Death and Furies, the Devil and so forth! I shall run -distracted. - -_Euph._ Pray, Sir, don't be so angry at her. I'm sure she means well, -tho' she may have an odd way of expressing herself. - -_Lear._ What, you like her meaning? Who doubts it, Offspring of -_Venus_? But I'll make you stay your Stomach with Meat of my chusing, -you liquorish young Baggage you. In a Word, _Esop_'s the Man; and -to-morrow he shall be your Lord and Master. But since he can't be -satisfied unless he has your Heart, as well as all the rest of your -Trumpery, let me see you receive him in such a Manner that he may -think himself your Choice as well as mine; 'twill make him esteem your -Judgment: For we usually guess at other People's Understandings, by -their approving our Actions and liking our Faces. See here, the great -Man comes! [_To ~Dor~._] Follow me, Insolence; and leave 'em to express -their Passion to each other. [_To ~Euph~._] Remember my last Word to -you is, Obey. - -_Dor._ [_To ~Euph.~ aside._] And remember my last Advice to you is, -Rebel. - - [_Exit ~Lear.~ ~Dor.~ following him._ - -_Euph._ Alas, I'm good-natured; the last Thing that's said to me -usually leaves the deepest Impression. - - _Enter ~Esop~; they stand some Time without speaking._ - -_Esop._--They say, That Lovers, for want of Words, have Eyes to speak -with. I'm afraid you do not understand the Language of mine, since -yours, I find, will make no Answer to 'em. But I must tell you, Lady, -there is a numerous Train of youthful Virgins, that are endow'd with -Wealth and Beauty too, who yet have thought it worth their Pains and -Care to point their Darts at _Esop_'s homely Breast; whilst you so much -contemn what they pursue, that a young senseless Fop's preferr'd before -me. - -_Euph._ Did you but know that Fop you dare to term so, his very Looks -wou'd fright you into nothing. - -_Esop._ A very Bauble. - -_Euph._ How! - -_Esop._ A Butterfly. - -_Euph._ I can't bear it. - -_Esop._ A Parroquet can prattle and look gaudy. - -_Euph._ It may be so; but let me paint him and you in your proper -Colours, I'll do it exactly, and you shall judge which I ought to chuse. - -_Esop._ No, hold; I'm naturally not over-curious; besides, 'tis Pride -makes People have their Pictures drawn. - -_Euph._ Upon my Word, Sir, you may have yours taken a hundred times -before any Body will believe 'tis done upon that Account. - -_Esop._ [_Aside._] How severe she is upon me! You are resolv'd then to -persist, and be fond of your Feather; sigh for a Perriwig, and die for -a Cravat string. - -_Euph._ Methinks, Sir, you might treat with more respect what I've -thought fit to own I value; your Affronts to him are doubly such to me; -if you continue your provoking Language, you must expect my Tongue will -sally too; and if you are as wise as some would make you, you can't but -know I shou'd have Theme enough. - -_Esop._ But is it possible you can love so much as you pretend? - -_Euph._ Why do you question it? - -_Esop._ Because Nobody loves so much as they pretend: But hark you, -young Lady: Marriage is to last a long, long Time; and where one Couple -bless the sacred Knot, a Train of Wretches curse the Institution. You -are in an Age where Hearts are young and tender; a pleasing Object gets -Admittance soon. But since to Marriage there's annexed this dreadful -Word, _For ever_, the following Example ought to move you: - - _A Peacock once, of splendid show, - Gay, gaudy, foppish, vain----a Beau, - Attack'd a fond young Pheasant's Heart - With such Success, - He pleas'd her, tho' he made her smart; - He pierc'd her with so much Address, - She smil'd the Moment that he fixt his Dart. - A Cuckow in a neighbouring Tree, - Rich, honest, ugly, old----like me, - Lov'd her as he lov'd his Life: - No pamper'd Priest e'er study'd more - To make a virtuous Nun a Whore, - Than he to get her for his Wife: - But all his Offers still were vain, - His Limbs were weak, his Face was plain; - Beauty, Youth, and Vigour weigh'd - With the warm desiring Maid: - No Bird, she cry'd, wou'd serve her turn, - But what cou'd quench as well as burn; - She'd have a young Gallant: so one she had. - But 'ere a Month was come and gone, } - The Bride began to change her tone, } - She found a young Gallant was an inconstant one. } - She wander'd to a neighbouring Grove, - Where after musing long on Love, - She told her Confidant, she found, - When for one's Life one must be bound, - (Tho' Youth indeed was a delicious Bait) - An aged Husband, rich, tho' plain, } - Wou'd give a slavish Wife less Pain; } - And, what was more, was sooner slain, } - Which was a Thing of Weight._ - -Behold, young Lady, here, the Cuckow of the Fable; I'm deform'd, 'tis -true, yet I have found the Means to make a Figure amongst Men, that -well has recompens'd the Wrongs of Nature; my Rival's Beauty promises -you much; perhaps my homely Form might yield you more; at least, -consider on't, 'tis worth your Thought. - - _Euph._ I must confess, my Fortune wou'd be greater; - But what's a Fortune to a Heart like mine? - 'Tis true, I'm but a young Philosopher, - Yet in that little Space my Glass has run, - I've spent some Time in search of Happiness: - The fond Pursuit I soon observ'd of Riches, - Inclin'd me to enquire into their Worth: - I found their Value was not in themselves, - But in their Power to grant what we cou'd ask. - I then proceeded to my own Desires, - To know what State of Life wou'd suit with them: - I found 'em moderate in their Demands, - They neither ask'd for Title, State, or Power: - They slighted the aspiring Post of Envy: - 'Tis true, they trembled at the Name Contempt; - A general Esteem was all they wish'd; - And that I did not doubt might be obtain'd, - If furnish'd but with Virtue and Good-nature; - My Fortune prov'd sufficient to afford me - Conveniences of Life, and Independence. - This, Sir, was the Result of my Enquiry; - And by this Scheme of Happiness I build, - When I prefer the Man I love to you. - -_Esop._ How wise, how witty, and how cleanly, young Women grow, as soon -as ever they are in love! - -_Euph._ How foppish, how impertinent, and how nauseous are old Men, -when they pretend to be so too! - -_Esop._ How pert is Youth! - -_Euph._ How dull is Age! - -_Esop._ Why so sharp, young Lady? - -_Euph._ Why so blunt, old Gentleman? - -_Esop._ 'Tis enough; I'll to your Father, I know how to deal with -him, though I don't know how to deal with you. Before to-morrow Noon, -Damsel, Wife shall be written on your Brow. - - [_Exit ~Esop~._ - -_Euph._ Then before to-morrow Night, Statesman, Husband shall be stampt -upon your Forehead. - - [_Exit ~Euph~._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ IV. - - - _Enter ~Oronces~ and ~Doris~._ - -_Dor._ Patience, I beseech you. - -_Oron._ Patience! What, and see that lovely Creature thrown into the -Arms of that pedantick Monster! 'Sdeath, I'd rather see the World -reduc'd to A'toms, Mankind turn'd into Crawfish, and myself an old -Woman. - -_Dor._ So you think an old Woman a very unfortunate thing, I find; -but you are mistaken, Sir; she may plague other Folks, but she's as -entertaining to herself, as any one Part of the Creation. - -_Oron._ [_Walking to and fro._] She's the Devil----and I'm one of the -damn'd, I think. But I'll make somebody howl for't; I will so. - -_Dor._ You'll e'en do as all the young Fellows in the Town do, spoil -your own Sport: Ah----had young Mens Shoulders but old Courtiers Heads -upon 'em, what a delicious Time wou'd they have on't! For shame, be -wise; for your Mistress's sake at least use some Caution. - -_Oron._ For her sake I'll respect, even like a Deity, her Father. He -shall strike me, he shall tread upon me, and find me humbler even -than a crawling Worm, for I'll not turn again; but for _Esop_, that -unfinish'd Lump, that Chaos of Humanity, I'll use him----nay, expect -it, for I'll do it----the first Moment that I'll see him, I'll---- - -_Dor._ Not challenge him, I hope----'Twould be a pretty sight, truly, -to see _Esop_ drawn up in Battalia! Fye for shame, be wise once in your -Life; think of gaining Time, by putting off the Marriage for a Day or -two, and not of waging War with a Pigmy. Yonder's the old Gentleman -walking by himself in the Gallery; go and wheedle him, you know his -weak side; he's good-natur'd in the bottom. Stir up his old fatherly -Bowels a little, I'll warrant you'll move him at last: go, get you -gone, and play your Part discreetly. - -_Oron._ Well, I'll try; but if Words won't do with one, Blows shall -with t'other; by Heavens, they shall. - - [_Exit. ~Oron~._ - - _Doris ~sola~._ - -Nay, I reckon we shall have rare work on't bye and bye. Shield us, kind -Heaven! what Things are Men in love? Now they are Stocks and Stones; -then they are Fire and Quick-silver; first whining and crying, then -swearing and damning: This Moment they are in Love, and next Moment -they are out of Love: Ah--cou'd we but live without 'em--but 'tis in -vain to think on't. - - [_Exit._ - - _Enter ~Esop~ at one side of the Stage, Mrs. ~Forge-will~ - at t'other._ - -_Forg._ Sir, I'm your most devoted Servant! What I say is no -Compliment, I do assure you. - -_Esop._ Madam, as far as you are really mine, I believe I may venture -to assure you, I am yours. - -_Forg._ I suppose, Sir, you know that I'm a Widow. - -_Esop._ Madam, I don't so much as know you are a Woman. - -_Forg._ O surprizing! Why, I thought the whole Town had known it. Sir, -I have been a Widow this Twelvemonth. - -_Esop._ If a Body may guess at your Heart by your Petticoat, Lady, you -don't design to be so a Twelvemonth more. - -_Forg._ O bless me! Not a Twelvemonth! Why, my Husband has left me four -squalling Brats. Besides, Sir, I'm undone. - -_Esop._ You seem as chearful an undone Lady as I have met with. - -_Forg._ Alas, Sir, I have too great a Spirit ever to let Afflictions -spoil my Face. Sir, I'll tell you my Condition; and that will lead me -to my Business with you. Sir, my Husband was a Scriviner. - -_Esop._ The deuce he was: I thought he had been a Count, at least. - -_Forg._ Sir, it is not the first Time I have been taken for a Countess; -my Mother us'd to say, as I lay in my Cradle, I had the Air of a Woman -of Quality; and truly I have always liv'd like such. My Husband, -indeed, had something sneaking in him (as most Husbands have, you know, -Sir); but, from the Moment I set Foot in his House, bless me, what a -Change was there! His Pewter was turn'd into Silver, his Goloshoes into -a Glass Coach, and his little travelling Mare into a Pair of _Flanders_ -Horses. Instead of a greasy Cook-maid to wait at Table, I had four tall -Footmen in clean Linen; all Things became new and fashionable, and -nothing look'd aukward in my Family. My Furniture was the Wonder of my -Neighbourhood, and my Clothes the Admiration of the whole Town; I had -a Necklace that was envy'd by the Queen, and a Pair of Pendants that -set a Dutchess a-crying. In a Word, I saw nothing I lik'd but I bought -it; and my Husband, good Man, durst ne'er refuse paying for't. Thus I -liv'd, and I flourish'd, till he sicken'd and dy'd: but ere he was cold -in his Grave, his Creditors plunder'd my House. But, what pity it was -to see Fellows with dirty Shoes come into my best Rooms, and touch my -Hangings with their filthy Fingers! You won't blame me, Sir, if, with -all my Courage, I weep at this sensible Part of my Misfortune. - -_Esop._ A very sad Story, truly! - -_Forg._ But now, Sir, to my Business. Having been inform'd this -Morning, That the King has appointed a great Sum of Money for the -Marriage of young Women who have liv'd well, and are fallen to decay, -I am come to acquaint you I have two strapping Daughters, just fit for -the Matter, and to desire you'll help 'em to Portions out of the King's -Bounty; that they mayn't whine and pine, and be eaten up with the -Green-sickness, as half the young Women in the Town are, or wou'd be, -if there were not more Helps for the Disease than one. This, Sir, is my -Business. - -_Esop._ And this, Madam, is my Answer: - - _A crawling Toad, all speckled o'er, - Vain, gaudy, painted, patch'd----a Whore, - Seeing a well-fed Ox hard by, - Regards him with an envious Eye, - And (as the Poets tell) - Ye Gods, I cannot bear't, quoth she, - I'll burst, or be as big as he, - And so began to swell. - Her Friends and Kindred round her came, - They shew'd her she was much to blame, - The Thing was out of reach. - She told 'em they were busy Folk, - And when her Husband wou'd have spoke, - She bid him kiss her Br----. - With that they all e'en gave her o'er, - And she persisted as before, - Till with a deal of Strife - She swell'd at last so much her Spleen, - She burst like one that we have seen, - Who was a Scrivener's Wife._ - -This, Widow, I take to be your Case, and that of a great many others; -for this is an Age where most People get Falls, by clambering too -high, to reach at what they should not do. The Shoemaker's Wife -reduces her Husband to a Cobler, by endeavouring to be as spruce as -the Taylor's: The Taylor's brings hers to a Botcher, by going as fine -as the Mercer's: The Mercer's lowers hers to a Foreman, by perking up -to the Merchant's: The Merchant's wears hers to a Broker, by strutting -up to Quality: And Quality bring theirs to nothing, by striving to -out-do one another. If Women were humbler, Men wou'd be honester. Pride -brings Want, Want makes Rogues, Rogues come to be hang'd, and the Devil -alone's the Gainer. Go your ways home, Woman; and as your Husband -maintain'd you by his Pen, maintain yourself by your Needle; put your -great Girls to service, Imployment will keep them honest; much Work and -plain Diet will cure the Green-Sickness as well as a Husband---- - -_Forg._ Why, you pityful Pigmy; preaching, canting, Pickthank; you -little, sorry, crooked, dry, wither'd Eunuch, do you know that---- - -_Esop._ I know that I'm so deform'd you han't Wit enough to describe -me: But I have this good Quality, That a foolish Woman can never make -me angry. - -_Forg._ Can't she so? I'll try that, I will. - - [_She falls - upon him, holds his Hands, and boxes his Ears._ - -_Esop._ Help, help, help. - - _Enter Servants. She runs off, they after her._ - -_Esop._ Nay, e'en let her go----let her go----don't bring her back -again----I'm for making a Bridge of Gold for my Enemy to retreat -upon----I'm quite out of Breath----A terrible Woman, I protest. - - _Enter a Country Gentleman drunk, in a hunting Dress, - with a Huntsman, Groom, Falconer, and other Servants; - one leading a couple of Hounds, another Grey-Hounds, - a third a Spaniel, a fourth a Gun upon his - Shoulder, the Falconer a Hawk upon his Fist, ~&c.~_ - -_Gent._ Haux, haux, haux, haux, haux! Joular, there Boy, Joular, -Joular, Tinker, Pedlar, Miss, Miss, Miss, Miss, Miss--Blood and Oons--O -there he is; that must be he, I have seen his Picture [_Reeling upon_ -Esop].--Sir,--if your Name's _Esop_--I'm your humble Servant. - -_Esop._ Sir, my Name is _Esop_, at your Service. - -_Gent._ Why then, Sir--Compliments being past on both sides, with your -leave--we'll proceed to Business. Sir, I'm by Profession--a Gentleman -of--three thousand Pounds a Year--Sir, I keep a good Pack of Hounds, -a good Stable of Horses. [_To his Groom._] How many Horses have I, -Sirrah?--Sir, this is my Groom. - - [_Presenting him to ~Esop~._ - -_Groom._ Your Worship has six Coach-horses, (Cut and Long-Tail) two -Runners, half a dozen Hunters, four breeding Mares, and two blind -Stallions, besides Pads, Routs, and Dog-Horses. - -_Gent._ Look you there, Sir, I scorn to tell a Lye. He that questions -my Honour--he's a Son of a Whore. But to Business--Having heard, -Sir, that you were come to this Town, I have taken the Pains to come -hither too, tho' I had a great deal of Business upon my Hands, for I -have appointed three _Justices of the Peace_ to hunt with 'em this -Morning----and be drunk with 'em in the Afternoon. But the main Chance -must be look'd to--and that's this----I desire, Sir, you'll tell the -King from me--I don't like these Taxes--in one Word, as well as in -twenty--I don't like these Taxes. - -_Esop._ Pray, Sir, how high may you be tax'd? - -_Gent._ How high may I be tax'd, Sir! Why I may be tax'd, Sir--four -Shillings in the Pound, Sir; one half I pay in Money--and t'other half -I pay in Perjury, Sir: Hey, Joular, Joular, Joular. Haux, haux, haux, -haux, haux. Hoo, hoo----Here's the best Hound-bitch in _Europe_----Oons -is she. And I had rather kiss her than kiss my Wife----Rot me if I had -not----But, Sir, I don't like these Taxes. - -_Esop._ Why how wou'd you have the War carry'd on? - -_Gent._ War carried on, Sir!----Why, I had rather have no War carried -on at all, Sir, than pay Taxes. I don't desire to be ruin'd, Sir. - -_Esop._ Why you say, you have three thousand Pounds a Year. - -_Gent._ And so I have, Sir----_Lett-Acre!_----Sir, this is my Steward. -How much Land have I, _Lett-Acre_? - -_Lett-Acre._ Your Worship has three thausand Paunds a Year, as good -Lond as any's i'th' Caunty; and two thausand Paunds worth of Wood to -cut dawne at your Worship's Pleasure, and put the Money in your Pocket. - -_Gent._ Look you there, Sir, what have you to say to that? - -_Esop._ I have to say, Sir, that you may pay your Taxes in Money, -instead of Perjury, and still have a better Revenue than I'm afraid you -deserve. What Service do you do your King, Sir? - -_Gent._ None at all, Sir--I'm above it. - -_Esop._ What Service may you do your Country, pray? - -_Gent._ I'm Justice of the Peace----and Captain of the Militia. - -_Esop._ Of what use are you to your Kindred? - -_Gent._ I'm the Head of the Family, and have all the Estate. - -_Esop._ What Good do you do your Neighbours? - -_Gent._ I give them their Bellies full of Beef every time they come to -see me; and make 'em so drunk, they spew it up again before they go -away. - -_Esop._ How do you use your Tenants? - -_Gent._ Why, I skrew up their Rents till they break and run away, and -if I catch 'em again, I let 'em rot in a Gaol. - -_Esop._ How do you treat your Wife? - -_Gent._ I treat her all Day with Ill-nature and Tobacco, and all Night -with snoring and a dirty Shirt. - -_Esop._ How do you breed your Children? - -_Gent._ I breed my eldest Son----a Fool; my youngest breed themselves, -and my Daughters----have no Breeding at all. - -_Esop._ 'Tis very well, Sir; I shall be sure to speak to the King of -you; or if you think fit to remonstrate to him, by way of Petition or -Address, how reasonable it may be to let Men of your Importance go -Scot-free, in the Time of a necessary War, I'll deliver it in Council, -and speak to it as I ought. - -_Gent._ Why, Sir, I don't disapprove your Advice, but my Clerk is not -here, and I can't spell well. - -_Esop._ You may get it writ at your leisure, and send it me. But -because you are not much used to draw up Addresses, perhaps; I'll tell -you in general what kind of one this ought to be. - - * * * * * - -_May it please your Majesty_---- - -_To the Gent._] You'll excuse me, if I don't know your Name and Title. - -_Gent._ Sir _Polydorus Hogstye_, of _Beast-Hall_ in _Swine-County_. - -_Esop._ Very well. - -_May it please your Majesty; ~Polydorus Hogstye~, of ~Beast-hall~ in -~Swine-County~, most humbly represents, That he hates to pay Taxes, -the dreadful Consequences of 'em being inevitably these, That he must -retrench two Dishes in ten, where not above six of 'em are design'd for -Gluttony._ - -_Four Bottles out of twenty; where not above fifteen of 'em are for -Drunkenness._ - -_Six Horses out of thirty; of which not above twenty are kept for -State._ - -_And four Servants out of a Score; where one half do nothing but make -Work for t'other._ - -_To this deplorable Condition must your important Subject be reduc'd, -or forc'd to cut down his Timber, which he wou'd willingly persevere -against an ill run at Dice._ - -_And as to the Necessity of the War for the Security of the Kingdom, -he neither knows nor cares whether it be necessary or not._ - -_He concludes with his Prayers for your Majesty's Life, upon Condition -you will protect him and his Fox Hounds at Beast-Hall, without e'er a -Penny of Money._ - -_To the Gent._] This, Sir, I suppose, is much what you wou'd be at. - -_Gent._ Exactly, Sir; I'll be sure to have one drawn up to the -self-same purpose: and next Fox-Hunting I'll engage half the Company -shall set their Hands to't. Sir, I am your----most devoted Servant; and -if you please to let me see you at _Beast-Hall_, here's my Huntsman, -_Houndsfoot_, will shew you a Fox shall lead you through so many Hedges -and Briars, you shall have no more Clothes on your Back in half an -Hour's Time--than you had----in the Womb of your Mother. Haux, haux, -haux, &c. - - [_Exit shouting._ - -Esop. _O Tempora, O Mores!_ - - _Enter Mr. ~Fruitful~ and his Wife._ - -_Mr. Fruit._ Heavens preserve the noble _Esop_, grant him long Life and -happy Days. - -_Mrs. Fruit._ And send him a fruitful Wife, with a hopeful Issue! - -_Esop._ And what is it I'm to do for you, good People, to make you -amends for all these friendly Wishes? - -_Mr. Fruit._ Sir, here's myself and my Wife-- - -_Mrs. Fruit._ Sir, here's I and my Husband--[_To her Husband._] Let -me speak in my turn, Goodman _Forward_. [_To ~Esop~._] Sir, here's I -and my Husband, I say, think we have as good Pretensions to the King's -Favour as ever a Lord in the Land. - -_Esop._ If you have no better than some Lords in the Land, I hope you -won't expect much for your Service. - -_Mr. Fruit._ An't please you, you shall be Judge yourself. - -_Mrs. Fruit._ That's as he gives Sentence, Mr. _Littlewit_; who gave -you Power to come to a Reference? If he does not do us right, the -King himself shall; what's to be done here! [_To ~Esop~._] Sir, I'm -forc'd to correct my Husband a little; poor Man, he is not us'd to -Court-Business; but to give him his due, he's ready enough at some -Things: Sir, I have had twenty fine Children by him; fifteen of 'em are -alive, and alive like to be; five tall Daughters are wedded and bedded, -and ten proper Sons serve their King and their Country. - -_Esop._ A goodly Company, upon my Word! - -_Mrs. Fruit._ Would all Men take as much Pains for the peopling of the -Kingdom, we might tuck up our Aprons, and cry, A Fig for our Enemies; -but we have such a Parcel of Drones amongst us----Hold up your Head, -Husband----He's a little out of Countenance, Sir, because I chid -him; but the Man is a very good Man at the Bottom. But to come to my -Business, Sir, I hope his Majesty will think it reasonable to allow me -something for the Service I have done him; 'tis pity but Labour shou'd -be encourag'd, especially when what one has done, one has done't with a -Good-will. - -_Esop._ What Profession are you of, good People? - -_Mrs. Fruit._ My Husband's an Inn-keeper, Sir; he bears the Name, but I -govern the House. - -_Esop._ And what Posts are your Sons in, in the Service? - -_Mrs. Fruit._. Sir, there are four Monks. - -_Mr. Fruit._ Three Attorneys. - -_Mrs. Fruit._ Two Scriveners. - -_Mr. Fruit._ And an Exciseman. - -_Esop._ The deuce o'the Service; why, I thought they had been all in -the Army. - -_Mrs. Fruit._ Not one, Sir. - -_Esop._ No, so it seems, by my Troth: Ten Sons that serve their -Country, quotha! Monks, Attorneys, Scriveners and Excisemen, serve -their Country with a Vengeance: you deserve to be rewarded, truly; you -deserve to be hang'd, you wicked People, you. Get you gone out of my -sight: I never was so angry in my Life. - - [_Exit ~Esop~._ - -_Mr. Fruit. to his Wife._] So; who's in the right now, you or I? I told -you what wou'd come on't; you must be always a Breeding, and Breeding, -and the King wou'd take Care of 'em, and the Queen wou'd take Care of -'em: And always some Pretence or other there was. But now we have got a -great Kennel of Whelps, and the Devil will take Care of 'em, for aught -I see. For your Sons are all Rogues, and your Daughters are all Whores; -you know they are. - -_Mrs. Fruit._ What, you are a grudging of your Pains now, you lazy, -sluggish, flegmatick Drone. You have a Mind to die of a Lethargy, have -you? but I'll raise your Spirits for you, I will so. Get you gone home, -go; go home, you idle Sot, you; I'll raise your Spirits for you. - - [_Exit, pushing him before her._ - - _Re-enter ~Esop~._ - -_Esop. solus._] Monks, Attorneys, Scriveners, and Excisemen! - - _Enter ~Oronces~._ - -_Oron._ O here he is. Sir, I have been searching for you, to say two -Words to you. - -_Esop._ And now you have found me, Sir, what are they? - -_Oron._ They are, Sir----that my Name's Oronces: You comprehend me. - -_Esop._ I comprehend your Name. - -_Oron._ And not my Business? - -_Esop._ Not I, by my Troth. - -_Oron._ Then I shall endeavour to teach it you, Monsieur _Esop_. - -_Esop._ And I to learn it, Monsieur _Oronces_. - -_Oron._ Know, Sir----that I admire _Euphronia_. - -_Esop._ Know, Sir----that you are in the right on't. - -_Oron._ But I pretend, Sir, that Nobody else shall admire her. - -_Esop._ Then I pretend, Sir, she won't admire you. - -_Oron._ Why so, Sir? - -_Esop._ Because, Sir---- - -_Oron._ What, Sir? - -_Esop._ She's a Woman, Sir. - -_Oron._ What then, Sir? - -_Esop._ Why, then, Sir, she desires to be admir'd by every Man she -meets. - -_Oron._ Sir, you are too familiar. - -_Esop._ Sir, you are too haughty; I must soften that harsh Tone of -yours: It don't become you, Sir; it makes a Gentleman appear a Porter, -Sir: And that you may know the Use of good Language, I'll tell you what -once happen'd. _Once an a Time_---- - -_Oron._ I'll have none of your old Wives Fables, Sir, I have no Time to -lose; therefore, in a Word---- - -_Esop._ In a Word, be mild: For nothing else will do you Service. Good -Manners and soft Words have brought many a difficult Thing to pass. -Therefore hear me patiently. - - _A Cook one Day, who had been drinking, - (Only as many Times, you know, - You spruce, young, witty Beaux will do, - To avoid the dreadful Pain of thinking) - Had Orders sent him to behead - A Goose, like any Chaplain fed. - He took such Pains to set his Knife right, - 'T had done one good t'have lost one's Life by't. - But many Men have many Minds, - There's various Tastes in various Kinds: - A Swan (who by Mistake he seiz'd) - With wretched Life was better pleas'd: - For as he went to give the Blow, - In tuneful Notes she let him know, - She neither was a Goose, nor wish'd - To make her ~Exit~ so. - The Cook (who thought of nought but Blood, - Except it were the Grease, - For that you know's his Fees) - To hear her sing, in great Amazement stood. - Cod's fish! quoth he, 'twas well you spoke, - For I was just upon the Stroke: - Your Feathers have so much of Goose, - A drunken Cook cou'd do no less - Than think you one: That you'll confess: - But y' have a Voice so soft, so sweet, - That rather than you shall be eat, - The House shall starve for want of Meat: - And so he turn'd her loose._ - -_To ~Oron~._] Now, Sir, what say you? will you be the Swan, or the -Goose? - - _Oron._ The Choice can't, sure, be difficult to make; - I hope you will excuse my youthful Heat, - Young Men and Lovers have a Claim to Pardon: - But since the Faults of Age have no such Plea, - I hope you'll be more cautious of offending. - The Flame that warms _Euphronia_'s Heart and mine, - Has long, alas! been kindled in our Breasts: - Even Years are past since our two Souls were wed, - 'Twou'd be Adultery but to wish to part 'em. - And wou'd a Lump of Clay alone content you, - A Mistress cold and senseless in your Arms, - Without the least Remains or Signs of Life, - Except her Sighs to mourn her absent Lover? - Whilst you shou'd press her in your eager Arms, - With fond Desire and Extasy of Love, - Wou'd it not pierce you to the very Soul, - To see her Tears run trickling down her Cheeks, - And know their Fountain meant 'em all to me? - Cou'd you bear this? - Yet thus the Gods revenge themselves on those - Who stop the happy Course of mutual Love. - If you must be unfortunate one way, - Choose that where Justice may support your Grief, - And shun the weighty Curse of injur'd Lovers. - - _Esop._ Why, this is pleading like a Swan, indeed! - Were any Thing at Stake but my _Euphronia_---- - - _Oron._ Your _Euphronia_! Sir---- - - _Esop._ The Goose----take heed---- - Were any Thing, I say, at Stake but her, - Your Plea wou'd be too strong to be refus'd. - But our Debate's about a Lady, Sir, - That's young, that's beautiful, that's made for Love. - ----So am not I, you'll say: But you're mistaken; - I'm made to love, tho' not to be belov'd. - I have a Heart like yours; I've Folly too: - I've every Instrument of Love like others. - - _Oron._ But, Sir, you have not been so long a Lover; - Your Passion's young and tender, - 'Tis easy for you to become its Master: - Whilst I shou'd strive in vain; mine's old and fixt. - -_Esop._ The older 'tis, the easier to be govern'd; Were mine of as long -a standing, 'twere possible I might get the better on't. Old Passions -are like old Men; weak, and soon jostled into the Kennel. - -_Oron._ Yet Age sometimes is strong, even to the Verge of Life. - -_Esop._ Ah, but there our Comparison don't hold. - -_Oron._ You are too merry to be much in Love. - -_Esop._ And you too sad to be so long. - -_Oron._ My grief may end my Days, so quench my Flame, but nothing else -can e'er extinguish it. - -_Esop._ Don't be discourag'd, Sir, I have seen many a Man outlive his -Passion twenty Years. - -_Oron._ But I have sworn to die _Euphronia_'s Slave. - -_Esop._ A decay'd Face always absolves a Lover's Oath. - -_Oron._ Lovers whose Oaths are made to Faces, then; But 'tis -_Euphronia_'s Soul that I adore, which never can decay. - -_Esop._ I wou'd fain see a young Fellow in love with a Soul of -Threescore. - - _Oron._ Quit but _Euphronia_ to me, and you shall; - At least if Heaven's Bounty will afford us - But Years, enow to prove my Constancy, - And this is all I ask the Gods and you. - - [_Exit ~Oron~._ - - _~Esop~ solus._ - -A good Pretence, however, to beg long Life. How grosly do the -Inclinations of the Flesh impose upon the Simplicity of the Spirit! -Had this young Fellow but study'd Anatomy, he'd have found the Source -of his Passion lay far from his Mistress's Soul. Alas! alas! Had Women -no more Charms in their Bodies, than what they have in their Minds, we -should see more wise Men in the World, and much fewer Lovers and Poets. - - [_Exit._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ V. - - - _Enter ~Euphronia~ and ~Doris~._ - -_Euph._ Heavens! what is't you make me do, _Doris_? Apply myself to the -Man I loath; beg Favours from him I hate; seek a Reprieve from him I -abhor; 'tis low, 'tis mean, 'tis base in me. - -_Dor._ Why, you hate the Devil as much as you do _Esop_, or within a -small Matter, and should you think it a Scandal to pray him to let you -alone a Day or two, if he were going to run away with you; ha? - -_Euph._ I don't know what I think, nor what I say, nor what I do: But -sure thou'rt not my Friend thus to advise me. - -_Dor._ I advise! I advise nothing; e'en follow your own way; marry him, -and make much of him. I have a mind to see some of his Breed; if you -like it, I like it: He shan't breed out of me only; that's all I have -to take Care of. - -_Euph._ Pr'ythee don't distract me. - -_Dor._ Why, to-morrow's the Day, fix'd and firm, you know it; much -Meat, little Order, great many Relations, few Friends, Horse-play, -Noise, and bawdy Stories; all's ready for a complete Wedding. - -_Euph._ Oh! what shall I do? - -_Dor._ Nay, I know this makes you tremble; and yet your tender -Conscience scruples to drop one hypocritical Curtsy, and say, Pray, Mr. -_Esop_, be so kind to defer it a few Days longer. - -_Euph._ Thou know'st I cannot dissemble. - -_Dor._ I know you can dissemble well enough, when you shou'd not do't. -Do you remember how you us'd to plague your poor _Oronces_; make him -believe you loath'd him, when you cou'd have kiss'd the Ground he went -on; affront him in all publick Places; ridicule him in all Company; -abuse him wherever you went And when you had reduc'd him within an Ace -of hanging or drowning, then come home with Tears in your Eyes, and -cry, Now, _Doris_, let's go lock ourselves up, and talk of my dear -_Oronces_: Is not this true? - -_Euph._ Yes, yes, yes. But, pr'ythee, have some Compassion of me. Come, -I'll do any thing thou bid'st me----What shall I say to this Monster? -Tell me, and I'll obey thee. - -_Dor._ Nay, then there's some hopes of you. Why, you must tell -him----'Tis natural to you to dislike Folks at first sight: That since -you have consider'd him better, you find your Aversion abated: That -tho' perhaps it may be a hard Matter for you ever to think him a Beau, -you don't despair, in Time, of finding out his _Je-ne-sçai-quoy_. -And that on t'other side, tho' you have hitherto thought (as most -young Women do) that nothing cou'd remove your first Affection, yet -you have very great Hopes in the natural Inconstancy of your Sex. -Tell him, 'tis not impossible, a Change may happen, provided he gives -you Time: But that if he goes to force you, there's another Piece of -Nature peculiar to Women, which may chance to spoil all, and that's -Contradiction. Ring that Argument well in his Ears: He's a Philosopher; -he knows it has Weight in it. In short, wheedle, whine, flatter, lye, -weep, spare nothing; 'tis a moist Age, Women have Tears enow; and when -you have melted him down, and gain'd more Time, we'll employ it in -Closet-debates, how to cheat him to the end of the Chapter. - -_Euph._ But you don't consider, _Doris_, that by this Means I engage -myself to him; and can't afterwards with Honour retreat. - -_Dor._ Madam, I know the World--Honour's a Jest, when Jilting's useful. -Besides, he that wou'd have you break your Oath with _Oronces_, can -never have the Impudence to blame you, for cracking your Word with -himself. But who knows what may happen between the Cup and the Lip? Let -either of the old Gentlemen die, and we ride triumphant. Wou'd I could -but see the Statesman sick a little, I'd recommend a Doctor to him, -a Cousin of mine, a Man of Conscience, a wise Physician; tip but the -Wink, he understands you. - -_Euph._ Thou wicked Wench, wou'd'st poison him? - -_Dor._ I don't know what I wou'd do; I think, I study, I invent, and -somehow I will get rid of him. I do more for you, I'm sure, than you -and your Knight-Errant do together for yourselves. - -_Euph._ Alas, both he and I do all we can; thou know'st we do. - -_Dor._ Nay, I know y' are willing enough to get together; but y' are a -couple of helpless Things, Heaven knows. - -_Euph._ Our Stars, thou see'st, are bent to Opposition. - -_Dor._ Stars!--I'd fain see the Stars hinder me from running away with -a Man I lik'd. - -_Euph._ Ay, but thou know'st, should I disoblige my Father, he'd give -my Portion to my younger Sister. - -_Dor._ Ay, there the Shoe pinches, there's the Love of the Age! -Ah!----to what an Ebb of Passion are Lovers sunk in these Days! Give -me a Woman that runs away with a Man, when his whole Estate's pack'd -up in his Knap-sack: That tucks up her Coats to her Knees; and thro' -thick and thro' thin, from Quarters to Camp, trudges heartily on; with -a Child at her Back, another in her Arms, and a Brace in her Belly: -There's Flame with a Witness, where this is the Effects on't. But we -must have Love in a Feather-bed: Forsooth, a Coach and six Horses, -clean Linen, and Cawdle! Fie for shame. O ho! here comes our Man. Now -shew yourself a Woman, if you are one. - - _Enter ~Esop~._ - -_Esop._ I'm told, fair Virgin, you desire to speak with me. Lovers are -apt to flatter themselves; I take your Message for a Favour. I hope -'twas meant so. - -_Euph._ Favours from Women are so cheap of late, Men may expect 'em -truly, without Vanity. - -_Esop._ If the Women are so liberal, I think the Men are generous too, -on their Side: 'Tis a well-bred Age; thank Heaven; and a deal of -Civility there passes between the two Sexes. What Service is't that I -can do you, Lady? - -_Euph._ Sir, I have a small Favour to intreat you. - -_Esop._ What is't? I don't believe I shall refuse you. - -_Euph._ What if you shou'd promise me you won't? - -_Esop._ Why then I shou'd make a Divorce between my Good-breeding and -my Sense, which ought to be as sacred a Knot as that of Wedlock. - -_Euph._ Dare you not trust then, Sir, the Thing you love? - -_Esop._ Not when the Thing I love don't love me: Never. - -_Dor._ Trust is sometimes the Way to be belov'd. - -_Esop._ Ay, but 'tis oftener the way to be cheated. - -_Euph._ Pray promise me you'll grant my Suit. - -_Dor._ 'Tis a reasonable one, I'll give you my word for't. - -_Esop._ If it be so, I do promise to grant it. - -_Dor._ That's still leaving yourself Judge. - -_Esop._ Why, who's more concern'd in the Trial? - -_Dor._ But no Body ought to be Judge in their own Cause. - -_Esop._ Yet he that is so, is sure to have no wrong done him. - -_Dor._ But if he does wrong to others, that's worse. - -_Esop._ Worse for them, but not for him. - -_Dor._ True Politician, by my troth! - -_Esop._ Men must be so, when they have to do with Sharpers. - -_Euph._ If I shou'd tell you then there were a Possibility I might be -brought to love you, you'd scarce believe me. - -_Esop._ I shou'd hope as a Lover, and suspect as a Statesman. - -_Dor._ [_Aside._] Love and Wisdom! There's the Passion of the Age again. - -_Euph._ You have liv'd long, Sir, and observ'd much: Did you never see -Time produce strange Changes? - -_Esop._ Amongst Women, I must confess I have. - -_Euph._ Why, I'm a Woman, Sir. - -_Esop._ Why, truly, that gives me some Hopes. - -_Euph._ I'll encrease 'em, Sir; I have already been in Love two Years. - -_Dor._ And Time, you know, wears all things to tatters. - -_Esop._ Well observ'd. - -_Euph._ What, if you shou'd allow me some, to try what I can do? - -_Esop._ Why, truly, I would have Patience a Day or two, if there was as -much Probability of my being your new Gallant, as perhaps there may be -of changing your old one. - -_Dor._ She shall give you fair Play for't, Sir; Opportunity and Leave -to prattle, and that's what carries most Women in our Days. Nay, she -shall do more for you: You shall play with her Fan; squeeze her little -Finger; buckle her Shoe; read a Romance to her in the Arbour; and -saunter in the Woods on a Moonshiny Night. If this don't melt her, -she's no Woman, or you're no Man---- - -_Esop._ I'm not a Man to melt a Woman that Way: I know myself, and know -what they require. 'Tis thro' a Woman's Eye you pierce her Heart; and -I've no Darts can make their Entrance there. - -_Dor._ You are a great Statesman, Sir; but I find you know little of -our Matters. A Woman's Heart is to be enter'd forty Ways. Every Sense -she has about her keeps a Door to it. With a Smock-face, and a Feather, -you get in at her Eyes. With powerful Nonsense, in soft Words, you -creep in at her Ears. An essenc'd Peruke, and a sweet Handkerchief, -lets you in at her Nose. With a Treat, and a Box full of Sweetmeats, -you slip in at her Mouth: And if you wou'd enter by her Sense of -Feeling, 'tis as beaten a Road as the rest. What think you now, Sir? -_There are more Ways to the Wood than one_, you see. - -_Esop._ Why, you're an admirable Pilot; I don't doubt but you have -steer'd many a Ship safe to Harbour: But I'm an old stubborn Seaman; I -must sail by my own Compass still. - -_Euph._ And by your Obstinacy lose your Vessel. - -_Esop._ No: I'm just ent'ring into Port; we'll be married to-morrow. - -_Euph._ For Heaven's sake defer it some Days longer; I cannot love you -yet; indeed, I cannot. - -_Esop._ Nor never will, I dare swear. - -_Euph._ Why then will you marry me? - -_Esop._ Because I love you. - -_Euph._ If you lov'd me, you wou'd never make me miserable. - -_Esop._ Not if I lov'd you for your sake; but I love you for my own. - -_Dor._ [_Aside._] There's an old Rogue for you. - -_Euph._ [_Weeping._] Is there no way left? must I be wretched? - -_Esop._ 'Tis but resolving to be pleas'd. You can't imagine the -Strength of Resolution. I have seen a Woman resolve to be in the Wrong -all the Days of her Life; and by the help of her Resolution, she has -kept her Word to a Tittle. - -_Euph._ Methinks the Subject we're upon shou'd be of Weight enough to -make you serious. - -_Esop._ Right: To-morrow Morning pray be ready; you'll find me so: I'm -serious. Now I hope you are pleas'd. - - [_Turning away from her._ - -_Euph._ [_Going off weeping, and leaning upon ~Doris~._] Break, Heart! -for if than hold'st, I'm miserable. - -_Dor._ [_To ~Esop~._] Now may the Extravagance of a lewd Wife, with the -Insolence of a virtuous one, join hand in hand to bring thy grey Hairs -to the Grave. - - [_Exeunt ~Euphronia~ and ~Doris~._ - -_Esop._ My old Friend wishes me well to the last, I see. - - _Enter ~Learchus~ hastily, follow'd by ~Oronces~._ - -_Oron._ Pray hear me, Sir. - -_Lear._ 'Tis in vain; I'm resolv'd, I tell you. Most noble _Esop_, -since you are pleas'd to accept of my poor Offspring for your Consort, -be so charitable to my old Age, to deliver me from the Impertinence -of Youth, by making her your Wife this Instant; for there's a Plot -against my Life; they have resolv'd to teaze me to Death to-night, that -they may break the Match to-morrow Morning. Marry her this instant, I -intreat you. - -_Esop._ This instant, say you! - -_Lear._ This instant; this very instant. - -_Esop._ 'Tis enough; get all things ready; I'll be with you in a Moment. - - [_Exit ~Esop~._ - -_Lear._ Now, what say you, Mr. _Flame-fire_? I shall have the Whip-hand -of you presently. - -_Oron._ Defer it till to-morrow, Sir. - -_Lear._ That you may run away with her to-night; ha?----Sir, your most -obedient humble Servant. Hey, who waits there? Call my Daughter to me: -Quick. I'll give her her Dispatches presently. - - _Enter ~Euphronia~._ - -_Euph._ D'ye call, Sir. - -_Lear._ Yes, I do, Minx. Go shift yourself, and put on your best -Clothes. You are to be marry'd. - -_Euph._ Marry'd, Sir! - -_Lear._ Yes, marry'd, Madam; and that this Instant too. - -_Euph._ Dear Sir---- - -_Lear._ Not a Word: Obedience and a clean Smock; dispatch. - - [_Exit ~Euphronia~ weeping._ - -_~Learchus~ going off, turns to ~Oronces~._] Sir, your most obedient -humble Servant. - -_Oron._ Yet hear what I've to say. - -_Lear._ And what have you to say, Sir? - -_Oron._ Alas! I know not what I have to say! - -_Lear._ Very like so. That's a sure Sign he's in love now. - -_Oron._ Have you no Bowels? - -_Lear._ Ha, ha! Bowels in a Parent! Here's a young Fellow for you. -Hark thee, Stripling; being in a very merry Humour, I don't care if I -discover some paternal Secrets to thee. Know then, that how humoursome, -how whimsical soever we may appear, there's one fixt Principle that -runs thro' almost the whole Race of us; and that's to please ourselves. -Why do'st think I got my Daughter? Why, there was something in't that -pleased me. Why dost think I marry my Daughter? Why to please myself -still. And what is't that pleases me? Why, my Interest; what do'st -think it shou'd be? If _Esop_'s my Son-in-Law, he'll make me a Lord: If -thou art my Son-in-Law----thou'lt make me a Grandfather. Now I having -more Mind to be a Lord than a Grandfather, give my Daughter to him, -and not to thee. - -_Oron._ Then shall her Happiness weigh nothing with you? - -_Lear._ Not this.--If it did, I'd give her to thee, and not to him. - -_Oron._ Do you think forc'd Marriage the Way to keep Women virtuous? - -_Lear._ No; nor I don't Care whether Women are virtuous or not. - -_Oron._ You know your Daughter loves me? - -_Lear._ I do so. - -_Oron._ What, if the Children that _Esop_ may happen to father, shou'd -chance to be begot by me? - -_Lear._ Why, then _Esop_ wou'd be the Cuckold, not I. - -_Oron._ Is that all your Care? - -_Lear._ Yes: I speak as a Father. - -_Oron._ What think you of your Child's Concern in t'other World? - -_Lear._ Why, I think it my Child's Concern, not mine. I speak as a -Father. - -_Oron._ Do you remember you once gave me your Consent to wed your -Daughter? - -_Lear._ I did. - -_Oron._ Why did you so? - -_Lear._ Because you were the best Match that offer'd at that Time. I -did like a Father. - -_Oron._ Why then, Sir, I'll do like a Lover. I'll make you keep your -Word, or cut your Throat. - -_Lear._ Who waits there, ha? - - _Enter Servants._ - -_Lear._ Seize me that Bully there. Carry him to Prison, and keep him -safe. - - [_They seize him._ - -_Oron._ Why, you won't use me thus? - -_Lear._ Yes, but I will tho': Away with him. Sir, your most humble -Servant: I wish you a good Night's Rest; and as far as a merry Dream -goes, my Daughter's at your Service. - -_Oron._ Death and Furies! - - [_Exeunt Serv. with ~Oron~._ - -Lear. [singing.] _Dol, de tol dol, dol, de tol dol, Lilly Burleighre's -lodg'd in a Bough._ - - _Enter a Troop of Musicians, Dancers, ~&c.~_ - -_Lear._ How now! What have we got here? - -_Mus._ Sir, we are a Troop of trifling Fellows, Fiddlers and Dancers, -come to celebrate the Wedding of your fair Daughter, if your Honour -pleases to give us Leave. - -_Lear._ With all my Heart: But who do you take me for, Sir; ha? - -_1 Mus._ I take your Honour for our noble Governor of _Sysicus_. - -_Lear._ Governor of _Sysicus_! Governor of a Cheese-Cake! I'm -Father-in-Law to the great _Esop_, Sirrah. [_All bow to him._] -[_Aside._]----I shall be a great Man. Come, tune your Fiddles; -shake your Legs; get all things ready. My Son-in-Law will be here -presently----I shall be a great Man! - - [_Exit._ - -_1 Mus._ A great Marriage, Brother! What do'st think will be the End -on't? - -_2 Mus._ Why, I believe we shall see three Turns upon't. This old -Fellow here will turn Fool; his Daughter will turn Strumpet; and his -Son-in-Law will turn 'em both out of Doors. But that's nothing to -thee nor me, so long as we are paid for our Fiddling. So tune away, -Gentlemen. - -_1 Mus._ D'ye hear, Trumpets? When the Bride appears, salute her with -a melancholy Waft. 'Twill suit her Humour; for I guess she mayn't be -over-well pleas'd. - - _Enter ~Learchus~ with several Friends, and a Priest._ - -_Lear._ Gentlemen and Friends, y'are all welcome. I have sent to as -many of you as our short Time wou'd give me Leave, to desire you wou'd -be Witnesses of the Honour the great _Esop_ designs ourself and Family. -Hey; who attends there? Go let my Daughter know I wait for her. [_Exit -Servant._] 'Tis a vast Honour that is done me, Gentlemen! - -_2 Gent._ It is, indeed, my Lord. - -_Lear._ [_Aside._] Look you there; if they don't call me my Lord -already----I shall be a great Man! - - _Enter ~Euphronia~ weeping, and leaning upon ~Doris~, both - in deep Mourning._ - -_Lear._ How now! What's here! All in deep Mourning! Here's a provoking -Baggage for you! - - [_The Trumpets sound a melancholy Air till ~Esop~ appears; - and then the Violins and Hautboys strike up a ~Lancashire~ - Hornpipe._ - - _Enter ~Esop~ in a gay foppish Dress, Long Peruke, &c. a - gaudy Equipage of Pages and Footmen, all enter in an - airy brisk Manner._ - -_Esop._ _in an affected Tone to ~Euphronia~._] Gad take my Soul, -Ma'am, I hope I shall please you now----Gentlemen all, I'm your humble -Servant. I'm going to be a very happy Man, you see. [_To ~Euph~._] -When the Heat of the Ceremony's over, if your Ladyship pleases, -Ma'am, I'll wait upon you to take the Air in the Park. Hey, Page; -let there be a Coach and six Horses ready instantly. [_Observing -her Dress._]----I vow to Gad, Ma'am, I was so taken up with my good -Fortune, I did not observe the extreme Fancy of your Ladyship's -Wedding-Clothes----Infinitely pretty! as I hope to be sav'd; a World of -Variety, and not at all gaudy.----[_To ~Lear~._] My dear Father-in-Law, -embrace me. - -_Lear._ Your Lordship does me too much Honour. [_Aside._]----I shall be -a great Man! - -_Esop._ Come, Gentlemen, are all things ready? Where's the Priest? - -_Priest._ Here, my noble Lord. - -_Esop._ Most Reverend----will you please to say Grace that I may fall -to, for I am very hungry, and here's very good Meat. But where's my -Rival all this while? The least we can do, is to invite him to the -Wedding. - -_Lear._ My Lord, he's in Prison. - -_Esop._ In Prison! How so? - -_Lear._ He wou'd have murder'd me. - -_Esop._ A bloody Fellow! But let's see him, however. Send for him -quickly. Ha! Governor----that handsome Daughter of yours, I will so -mumble her---- - -_Lear._ I shall be a great Man! - - _Enter ~Oronces~ pinion'd and guarded._ - -_Esop._ O ho, here's my Rival! Then we have all we want. Advance, Sir, -if you please. I desire you'll do me the Favour to be a Witness to my -Marriage, lest one of these Days you shou'd take a fancy to dispute my -Wife with me. - -_Oron._ Do you then send for me to insult me? 'Tis base in you. - -_Esop._ I have no Time now to throw away upon Points of Generosity; I -have hotter Work upon my Hands. Come, Priest, advance. - -_Lear._ Pray, hold him fast there; he has the Devil and all of Mischief -in's Eye. - -_Esop._ [_To ~Euph~._] Will your Ladyship please, Ma'am, to give me -your fair Hand----Hey-dey! - - [_She refuses her Hand._ - -_Lear._ I'll give it you, my noble Lord, if she won't. [_Aside._] A -stubborn, self-will'd, stiff-neck'd Strumpet. - - [_~Learchus~ holds out her Hand to ~Esop~, who takes it; - ~Oronces~ stands on ~Esop~'s left Hand, and the Priest - before 'em._ - -_Esop._ Let my Rival stand next me: Of all Men, I'd have him be -satisfy'd. - -_Oron._ Barbarous, inhuman Monster! - -_Esop._ Now, Priest, do thy Office. - - [_Flourish with the Trumpets._ - - _Priest._ Since the eternal Laws of Fate decreed, - That he thy Husband, she thy Wife shou'd be, - May Heaven take you to its Care, - May _Jupiter_ look kindly down, } - Place on your Heads Contentment's Crown! } - And may his Godhead never frown } - Upon this happy Pair. - - [_Flourish again of Trumpets._ - - [_As the Priest pronounces the last Line, ~Esop~ joins ~Oronces~ - and ~Euphronia~'s Hands._ - -_Oron._ O happy Change! Blessings on Blessings wait on the generous -_Esop_! - - _Esop._ Happy, thrice happy, may you ever be, } - And if you think there's something due to me, } - Pay it in mutual Love and Constancy. } - - _Euph._ _to ~Esop~._] You'll pardon me, most generous Man, - If in the present Transports of my Soul, - Which you yourself have by your Bounty caus'd, - My willing Tongue is ty'd from uttering - The Thoughts that flow from a most grateful Heart. - - _Esop._ For what I've done, I merit little Thanks, - Since what I've done, my Duty bound me to. - I wou'd your Father had acquitted his: - But he who's such a Tyrant o'er his Children, - To sacrifice their Peace to his Ambition, - Is fit to govern nothing but himself. - - _To ~Lear~._] And, therefore, Sir, at my return to Court, - I shall take care this City may be sway'd - By more Humanity than dwells in you. - - _Lear. aside._] I shall be a great man! - - _Euph. To ~Esop~._] Had I not Reason, from your constant Goodness, - To judge your Bounty, Sir, is infinite, - I shou'd not dare to sue for farther Favours: - But pardon me, if imitating Heaven and you, - I easily forgive my aged Father, - And beg that _Esop_ would forgive him too. - - [_Kneeling to him._ - -_Esop._ The Injury he wou'd have done to you was great indeed: But -'twas a Blessing he design'd for me. If, therefore, you can pardon him, -I may. [_To ~Lear~._] Your injur'd Daughter, Sir, has on her Knees -intreated for her cruel, barbarous Father; and by her Goodness has -obtain'd her Suit. If, in the Remnant of your Days, you can find out -some way to recompense her, do it, that Men and Gods may pardon you, as -she and I have done. But, let me see, I have one Quarrel still to make -up. Where's my old Friend _Doris_? - -_Dor._ She's here, Sir, at your Service; and as much your Friend as -ever; true to her Principles, and firm to her Mistress. But she has a -much better Opinion of you now than she had half an Hour ago. - -_Esop._ She has reason: For my Soul appear'd then as deform'd as -my Body. But I hope now, one may so far mediate for t'other, that, -provided I don't make Love, the Women won't quarrel with me; for they -are worse Enemies even than they are Friends. Come, Gentlemen, I'll -humour my Dress a little longer, and share with you in the Diversions -these boon Companions have prepar'd us. Let's take our Places, and see -how they can divert us. - - _~Esop~ leads the Bride to her Place. All being seated, - there's a short Concert of Hautboys, Trumpets, &c. After which a - Dance between an old Man and a young Woman, who shuns him still - at he comes near her. At last he stops, and begins this Dialogue, - which they sing together._ - - Old Man. - - _Why so cold, and why so coy? - What I want in Youth and Fire, - I have in Love and in Desire: - To my Arms, my Love, my Joy! - Why so cold, and why so coy?_ - - Woman. - - _'Tis Sympathy, perhaps, with you; - You are cold, and I'm so too._. - - Old Man. - - _My Years alone have froze my Blood; - Youthful Heat in Female Charms, - Glowing in my aged Arms, - Wou'd melt it down once more into a Flood._ - - Woman. - - _Women, alas, like Flints, ne'er burn alone; - To make a Virgin know - There's Fire within the Stone, - Some manly Steel must boldly strike the Blow._ - - Old Man. - - _Assist me only with your Charms, - You'll find I'm Man, and still am bold; - You'll find I still can strike, tho' old: - I only want your Aid to raise my Arms._ - - Enter a Youth, who seizes on the young Woman. - - Youth. - - _Who talks of Charms, who talks of Aid? - I bring an Arm - That wants no Charm, - To rouze the Fire that's in a flinty Maid. - Retire, old Age: - ----Winter, begone: - Behold the youthful Spring comes gayly on. - Here, here's a Torch to light a Virgin's Fire! - To my Arms, my Love, my Joy; - When Women have what they desire, - They're neither cold nor coy._ - - [She takes him in her Arms. - - _The Song and Dances ended, ~Esop~ takes ~Euphronia~ and - ~Oronces~ by the Hands, leading them forwards._ - -_Esop._ By this Time, my young eager Couple, 'tis probable you wou'd -be glad to be alone; perhaps you'll have a Mind to go to Bed, even -without your Supper; for Brides and Bridegrooms eat little on their -Wedding-Night. But since, if Matrimony were worn as it ought to be, it -wou'd, perhaps, sit easier about us than it usually does, I'll give you -one Word of Counsel, and so I shall release you. When one is out of -Humour, let the other be dumb. Let your Diversions be such, as both may -have a Share in 'em. Never let Familiarity exclude Respect. Be clean in -your Clothes, but nicely so in your Persons. Eat at one Table, lie in -one Room, but sleep in two Beds: I'll tell the Ladies why: - - Turning to the Boxes. - - _In the sprightly Month of May, } - When Males and Females sport and play, } - And kiss and toy away the Day; } - An eager Sparrow and his Mate, } - Chirping on a Tree, were sat, } - Full of Love----and full of Prate. } - They talk'd of nothing but their Fires, - Of raging Heats, and strong Desires, - How true and faithful they wou'd be; - Of eternal Constancy; - Of this and that, and endless Joys, - And a thousand more such Toys: - Only Thing they apprehended, - Was that their Lives wou'd be so short, - They cou'd not finish half their Sport - Before their Days were ended. - But as from Bough to Bough they rove, - They chanc'd at last - In furious haste, - On a Twig with Birdlime spread, - (Want of a more downy Bed) - To act a Scene of Love. - Fatal it proved to both their Fires. - For tho' at length they broke away, } - And baulk'd the School-Boy of his Prey, } - Which made him weep the live-long Day, } - The Bridegroom, in the hasty strife, - Was stuck so fast to his dear Wife, - That tho' he us'd his utmost Art, - He quickly found it was in vain, - To put himself to further Pain, - They never more must part. - A gloomy Shade o'ercast his Brow; } - He found himself----I know not how: } - He look'd as Husbands often do. } - Where-e'er he mov'd, he felt her still, - She kiss'd him oft against his Will: - Abroad, at Home, at Bed and Board, - With favours she o'erwhelm'd her Lord. - Oft he turn'd his Head away, } - And seldom had a Word to say, } - Which absolutely spoil'd her Play, } - For she was better stor'd. - Howe'er, at length, her stock was spent, - (For Female Fires sometimes may be - Subject to Mortality;) - So Back to Back they sit, and sullenly repent. - But the mute Scene was quickly ended, - The Lady, for her share, pretended - The Want of Love lay at his Door; } - For her part, she had still in store } - Enough for him and twenty more, } - Which cou'd not be contended. - He answer'd her in homely Words, - (For Sparrows are but ill-bred Birds) - That he already had enjoy'd - So much, that truly he was cloy'd. - Which so provok'd her Spleen, - That after some good hearty Prayers, } - A Jostle, and some spiteful Tears, } - They fell together by the Ears, } - And ne'er were fond again._ - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - _ESOP._ - - - - -PART II. - - - _Enter Players._ - -_Esop._ Well, good People, who are all you? - -_Omnes._ Sir, we are Players. - -_Esop._ Players! What Players? - -_Play._ Why, Sir, we are Stage-Players, that's our Calling: Tho' we -play upon other Things too; some of us play upon the Fiddle; some play -upon the Flute; we play upon one another; we play upon the Town; and we -play upon the Patentees. - -_Esop._ Patentees! Pr'ythee, what are they? - -_Play._ Why, they are, Sir----Sir, they are----'Cod I don't know -what they are----Fish or Flesh----Masters or Servants----Sometimes -one----Sometimes t'other, I think----Just as we are in the Mood. - -_Esop._ Why, I thought they had a lawful Authority over you. - -_Play._ Lawful Authority, Sir!----Sir, we are free-born _Englishmen_, -we care not for Law nor Authority neither, when we are out of Humour. - -_Esop._ But I think they pretended at least to an Authority over you; -pray, upon what Foundation was it built? - -_Play._ Upon a rotten one----if you'll believe us. Sir, I'll tell you -what the Projectors did: They imbark'd twenty thousand Pound upon a -leaky Vessel----She was built at _Whitehall_; I think they call'd -her----the Patent----ay, the Patent: Her Keel was made of a Broad -Seal----and the King gave 'em a white Staff for their Main-Mast. She -was a pretty light Frigate to look upon, indeed: They spar'd nothing -to set her off; they gilded her, and painted her, and rigg'd, and -gunn'd her: And so sent her a Privateering. But the first Storm that -blew, down went the Mast, ashore went the Ship--Crack, says the Keel; -Mercy, cry'd the Pilot; but the Wind was so high, his Pray'rs cou'd not -be heard--so they split upon a Rock----that lay hid under a Petticoat. - -_Esop._ A very sad Story, this! But what became of the Ship's Company? - -_Play._ Why, Sir, your humble Servants here, who were the Officers, and -the best of the Sailors----(little _Ben_ amongst the rest) seiz'd on a -small Bark that lay to our Hand, and away we put to Sea again. To say -the truth, we were better mann'd than rigg'd, and Ammunition was plaguy -scarce amongst us.----However, a cruising we went, and some petty -small Prizes we have made; but the Blessing of Heaven not being among -us----or how the Devil 'tis, I cannot tell; but we are not rich. - -_Esop._ Well, but what became of the rest of the Crew? - -_Play._ Why, Sir, as for the Scoundrels, they, poor Dogs, stuck by the -Wreck. The Captain gave them Bread and Cheese, and good Words----He -told them, if they wou'd patch her up, and venture t'other Cruise, he'd -prefer 'em all; so to work they went, and to Sea they got her. - -_Esop._ I hope he kept his Word with 'em. - -_Play._ That he did; he made the Boatswain's Mate Lieutenant; he made -the Cook Doctor: He was forc'd to be Purser and Pilot, and Gunner -himself; and the Swabber took Orders to be Chaplain. - -_Esop._ But with such unskilful Officers, I'm afraid, they'll hardly -keep above Water long. - -_Play._ Why truly, Sir, we care not how soon they are under: But curst -Folks thrive, I think. I know nothing else that makes 'em swim. I'm -sure, by the Rules of Navigation, they ought to have over-set long -since; for they carry a great deal of Sail, and have very little -Ballast. - -_Esop._ I'm afraid you ruin one another. I fancy if you were all in a -Ship together again, you'd have less Work, and more Profit. - -_Play._ Ah, Sir----we are resolv'd we'll never sail under Captain -Patentee again. - -_Esop._ Pr'ythee, why so? - -_Play._ Sir, he has us'd us like Dogs. - -_Wom._----And Bitches too, Sir. - -_Esop._ I'm sorry to hear that; pray, how was't he treated you? - -_Play._ Sir, 'tis impossible to tell; he us'd us like the _English_ at -_Amboyna_---- - -_Esop._ But I wou'd know some Particulars: Tell me what 'twas he did to -you? - -_Play._ What he did, Sir?----Why, he did in the first Place, Sir----In -the first Place, Sir, he did----I'cod I don't know what he did----Can -you tell, Wife? - -_Wom._ Yes, marry can I; and a burning Shame it was too. - -_Play._ O, I remember now, Sir, he wou'd not give us Plums enough in -our Pudding. - -_Esop._ That indeed was very hard; but did he give you as many as he -promis'd you? - -_Play._ Yes, and more; but what of all that? We had not as many as we -had a mind to---- - -_1 Wom._ Sir, my Husband tells you Truth-- - -_Esop._ I believe he may; but what other Wrongs did he do you? - -_1 Wom._ Why, Sir, he did not treat me with Respect; 'twas not one Day -an three he would so much as bid me good-morrow-- - -_2 Wom._ Sir, he invited me to Dinner, and never drank my Health. - -_1 Wom._ Then he cock'd his Hat at Mrs. _Pert_. - -_2 Wom._ Yes, and told Mrs. _Slippery_ he had as good a Face as she had. - -_Esop._ Why, these were insufferable Abuses-- - -_2 Play._ Then, Sir, I did but come to him one Day--and tell him I -wanted fifty Pound, and what do you think he did by me, Sir?--Sir, he -turn'd round upon his Heel like a Top-- - -_1 Play._ But that was nothing to the Affront he put upon me, Sir. -I came to him, and in very civil words, as I thought, desir'd him to -double my Pay: Sir, wou'd you believe it? He had the Barbarity to ask -me if I intended to double my Work; and because I told him no, Sir--he -did use me, good Lord, how he did use me! - -_Esop._ Pr'ythee how? - -_1 Play._ Why, he walk'd off, and answered me never a Word. - -_Esop._ How had you Patience? - -_1 Play._ Sir, I had not Patience. I sent him a Challenge; and what do -you think his answer was?--He sent me Word I was a scoundrel Son of a -Whore, and he wou'd only fight me by Proxy---- - -_Esop._ Very fine! - -_1 Play._ At this rate, Sir, were we poor Dogs us'd--till one frosty -Morning down he comes amongst us--and very roundly tells us----That for -the future, no Purchase, no Pay. They that wou'd not work, shou'd not -eat----Sir, we at first ask'd him coolly and civilly----Why? His answer -was, Because the Town wanted Diversion, and he wanted Money----Our -Reply to this, Sir, was very short; but I think to the purpose. - -_Esop._ What was it? - -_1 Play._ It was, Sir, that so we wallow'd in Plenty and Ease----the -Town and he might be damn'd----This, Sir, is the true History of our -Separation----and we hope you'll stand our Friend---- - -_Esop._ I'll tell you what, Sirs---- - - _I once a Pack of Beagles knew---- - That much resembled I know who; - With a good Huntsman at their Tail, - In full Command, - With Whip in Hand, - They'd run apace - The chearful Chace, - And of their Game were seldom known to fail. - But being at length their chance to find - A Huntsman of a gentler Kind, - They soon perceiv'd the Rein was slack; - The Word went quickly thro' the Pack---- - They one and all cry'd Liberty; - This happy Moment we are free; - We'll range the Woods, - Like Nymphs and Gods, - And spend our Mouths in Praise of Mutiny. - With that, old ~Jowler~ trots away, - And ~Bowman~ singles out his Prey; - ~Thunder~ bellow'd thro' the Wood, - And swore he'd burst his Guts with Blood; - ~Venus~ tript it o'er the Plain, - With boundless Hopes of boundless Gain; - ----~Juno~, she slipt down the Hedge, - But left her sacred Word for Pledge, - That all she pickt up by the by---- - Shou'd to the public Treasury; - And well they might rely upon her; - For ~Juno~ was a Bitch of Honour. - In short, they all had Hopes to see - A heavenly Crop of Mutiny. - And so to reaping fell. - But in a little Time they found, - It was the Devil had till'd the Ground, - And brought the Seed from Hell. - The Pack divided, nothing throve: - Discord seiz'd the Throne of Love. - Want and Misery all endure; - All take pains, and all grow poor. - When they had toil'd the live-long Day, - And came at Night to view their Prey, - Oft, alas, so ill they'd sped, - That half went Supperless to Bed. - At length they all in Council sate, - Where at a very fair Debate, - It was agreed at last, - That Slavery with Ease and Plenty, - When Hounds were something turn'd of twenty, - Was much a better Fate, - Than 'twas to work and fast._ - -_1 Play._ Well, Sir----and what did they do then? - -_Esop._ Why they all went home to their Kennel again. If you think they -did wisely, you'll do well to follow their Example. - - [_Exit ~Esop~._ - -_1 Play._ Well, Beagles, what think you of the little Gentleman's -Advice? - -_2 Wom._ I think he's a little ugly Philosopher, and talks like a Fool. - -_1 Play._ Ay, why there 'tis now! If he had been a tall Handsome -Blockhead, he had talk'd like a wise Man. - -_2 Wom._ Why, do you think, Mr. _Jowler_, that we'll ever join again? - -_1 Play._ I do think, sweet Mrs. _Juno_, that if we do not join again, -you must be a little freer of your Carcase than you are, or you must -bring down your Pride to a Serge Petticoat. - -_1 Wom._ And do you think, Sir, after the Affronts I have receiv'd, the -Patent and I can ever be Friends? - -_1 Play._ I do think, Madam, that if my interest had not been more -affronted than your Face, the Patent and you had never been Foes. - -_1 Wom._ And so, Sir, then you have serious Thoughts of a -Reconciliation! - -_1 Play._ Madam, I do believe I may. - -_1 Wom._ Why then, Sir, give me Leave to tell you, that--make it my -Interest, and I'll have serious Thoughts on't too. - -_2 Wom._ Nay, if you are thereabouts, I desire to come into the Treaty. - -_3 Play._ And I. - -_4 Play._ And I. - -_1 Play._ And I. No separate Peace. None of your _Turin_ Play, I -beseech you. - -_1 Play._ Why then, since you are all so Christianly dispos'd----I -think we had best adjourn immediately to our Council-Chamber, choose -some potent Prince for Mediator and Guarantee----fix upon the Place of -Treaty, dispatch our Plenipo's, and whip up the Peace like an Oyster. -For, under the Rose, my Confederates, here is such a damn'd Discount -upon our Bills, I'm afraid, if we stand it out another Campaign, we -must live upon slender Subsistence. - - [_Exeunt._ - - _Enter ~Esop~; and a Country Gentleman, who walks to - and fro, looking angrily upon ~Esop~._ - -_Esop._ Have you any Business with me, Sir? - -_Gent._--I can't tell whether I have or not. - -_Esop._ You seem disturb'd, Sir? - -_Gent._ I'm always so at the Sight of a Courtier. - -_Esop._ Pray what may it be, that gives you so great an Antipathy to -'em? - -_Gent._ My Profession. - -_Esop._ What's that? - -_Gent._ Honesty. - -_Esop._ 'Tis an honest Profession. I hope, Sir, for the general Good of -Mankind, you are in some public Employment? - -_Gent._ So I am, Sir----no Thanks to the Court. - -_Esop._ You are then, I suppose, employ'd by---- - -_Gent._ My Country. - -_Esop._ Who have made you---- - -_Gent._ A Senator. - -_Esop._ Sir, I reverence you. - - [_Bowing._ - -_Gent._ Sir, you may reverence as low as you please; but I shall spare -none of you. Sir, I am intrusted by my Country with above ten Thousand -of their Grievances, and, in order to redress them, my Design is to -hang ten thousand Courtiers. - -_Esop._ Why, 'tis making short Work, I must confess; but are you sure, -Sir, that wou'd do't? - -_Gent._ Sure,----Ay, sure. - -_Esop._ How do you know? - -_Gent._ Why, the whole Country says so, and I at the Head of 'em. Now -let me see who dares say the contrary. - -_Esop._ Not I, truly. But, Sir, if you won't take it ill, I'll ask you -a Question or two. - -_Gent._ Sir, I shall take ill what I please. And if you, or e'er a -Courtier of you all pretend the contrary, I say, 'tis a Breach of -Privilege----Now put your Question, if you think fit. - -_Esop._ Why then, Sir, with all due regard to your Character, and your -Privilege too, I wou'd be glad to know what you chiefly complain of? - - _Gent._ Why, Sir, I do chiefly complain, that we have - A great many Ships, and very little Trade; - A great many Tenants, and very little Money; - A great many Soldiers, and very little fighting; - A great many _Gazettes_, and little good News; - A great many Statesmen, and very little Wisdom; - A great many Parsons, and not an Ounce of Religion. - -_Esop._ Why truly, Sir, I do confess these are Grievances very well -worth your redressing. And I perceive you are truly sensible of our -Diseases, but I'm afraid you are a little out in the Cure. - -_Gent._ Sir, I perceive you take me for a Country-Physician: but -you shall find, Sir, that a Country-Doctor is able to deal with a -Court-Quack; and to shew you that I do understand something of the -State of the Body-Politic, I will tell you, Sir, that I have heard a -wise Man say, the Court is the Stomach of the Nation, in which, if -the Business be not thoroughly digested, the whole Carcase will be in -Disorder. Now, Sir, I do find by the Feebleness of the Members, and -the Vapours that fly into the Head, that this same Stomach is full of -indigestions, which must be remov'd: And therefore, Sir, I am come Post -to Town with my Head full of _Crocus Metallorum_, and design to give -the Court a Vomit. - -_Esop._ Sir, the Physic you mention, tho' necessary sometimes, is of -too violent a Nature to be us'd without a great deal of Caution. I'm -afraid, you are a little too rash in your Prescriptions. Is it not -possible you may be mistaken in the Cause of the Distemper? - -_Gent._ Sir, I do not think it possible I shou'd be mistaken in any -thing. - -_Esop._ Have you been long a Senator? - -_Gent._ No, Sir. - -_Esop._ Have you been much about Town? - -_Gent._ No, Sir. - -_Esop._ Have you convers'd much with Men of Business? - -_Gent._ No, Sir. - -_Esop._ Have you made any serious Enquiry into the present Disorders of -the Nation? - -_Gent._ No, Sir. - -_Esop._ Have you ever heard what the Men now employ'd in Business have -to say for themselves? - -_Gent._ No, Sir. - -_Esop._ How then do you know they deserve to be punish'd for the -present Disorders in your Affairs? - -_Gent._ I'll tell you how I know. - -_Esop._ I would be glad to hear. - -_Gent._ Why, I know by this----I know it, I say, by this----that I'm -sure on't----And to give you Demonstration that I'm sure on't, there is -not one Man in a good Post in the Nation--but I'd give my Vote to hang -him: Now I hope you are convinc'd. - -_Esop._ As for Example: The first Minister of State, why wou'd you hang -him? - -_Gent._ Because he gives bad Counsel. - -_Esop._ How do you know? - -_Gent._ Why, they say so. - -_Esop._ And who would you put in his Room? - -_Gent._ One that would give better. - -_Esop._ Who's that? - -_Gent._ Myself. - -_Esop._ The Secretary of State, why wou'd you hang him? - -_Gent._ Because he has not good Intelligence. - -_Esop._ How do you know? - -_Gent._ I have heard so. - -_Esop._ And who would you put in his Place? - -_Gent._ My Father. - -_Esop._ The Treasurer, why would you hang him? - -_Gent._ Because he does not understand his Business. - -_Esop._ How do you know? - -_Gent._ I dreamt so. - -_Esop._ And who would you have succeed him? - -_Gent._ My Uncle. - -_Esop._ The Admiral, why would you hang him? - -_Gent._ Because he has not destroy'd the Enemies Ships. - -_Esop._ How do you know he could do it? - -_Gent._ Why, I believe so. - -_Esop._ And who would you have command in his Stead? - -_Gent._ My Brother. - -_Esop._ And the General, why would you hang him? - -_Gent._ Because he took ne'er a Town last Campaign. - -_Esop._ And how you do know it was in his Power? - -_Gent._ Why, I don't care a Souss whether 'twas in his power or not. -But I have a Son at home, a brave chopping Lad; he has been Captain -in the Militia these twelve Months, and I'd be glad to see him in his -Place. What do ye stare for, Sir? Ha! I'gad I tell you he'd scour -all to the Devil. He's none of your Fencers, none of your sa-sa Men. -_Numps_ is downright, that's his Play. You may see his Courage in his -Face: He has a Pair of Cheeks like two Bladders, a Nose as flat as your -Hand, and a Forehead like a Bull. - -_Esop._ In short, Sir, I find if you and your Family were provided for, -Things would soon grow better than they do. - -_Gent._ And so they wou'd, Sir. Clap me at the Head of the State, and -_Numps_ at the Head of the Army: He with his Club-Musquet, and I with -my Club Head-Piece, we'd soon put an End to your Business. - -_Esop._ I believe you wou'd indeed. And therefore, since I happen to be -acquainted with your extraordinary Abilities, I am resolv'd to give the -King an Account of you, and employ my Interest with him, that you and -your Son may have the Posts you desire. - -_Gent._ Will you, by the Lord?--Give me your Fist, Sir--the only honest -Courtier that ever I met with in my Life. - -_Esop._ But, Sir, when I have done you this mighty Piece of Service, I -shall have a small Request to beg of you, which I hope you won't refuse -me. - -_Gent._ What's that? - -_Esop._ Why, 'tis in behalf of the two Officers who are to be displac'd -to make Room for you and your Son. - -_Gent._ The Secretary and the General? - -_Esop._ The same. 'Tis pity they shou'd be quite out of Business: I -must therefore desire you'll let me recommend one of 'em to you for -your Bailiff, and t'other for your Huntsman. - -_Gent._ My Bailiff and my Huntsman!----Sir, that's not to be granted. - -_Esop._ Pray, why? - -_Gent._ Why?----Because one wou'd ruin my Land, and t'other wou'd spoil -my Fox-Hounds. - -_Esop._ Why do you think so? - -_Gent._ Why do I think so!----These Courtiers will ask the strangest -Questions!----Why, Sir, do you think that Men bred up to the State or -the Army, can understand the Business of Ploughing and Hunting? - -_Esop._ I did not know but they might. - -_Gent._ How cou'd you think so? - -_Esop._ Because I see Men bred up to Ploughing and Hunting, understand -the Business of the State and the Army. - -_Gent._ I'm shot----I ha'n't one Word to say for myself----I never was -so caught in my Life. - -_Esop._ I perceive, Sir, by your Looks, what I have said has made some -Impression upon you; and would, perhaps do more, if you wou'd give it -leave. [_Taking his Hand._] Come, Sir, tho' I am a Stranger to you, I -can be your Friend; my Favour at Court does not hinder me from being -a Lover of my Country. 'Tis my Nature, as well as Principle, to be -pleas'd with the Prosperity of Mankind. I wish all Things happy, and my -Study is to make them so. - -The Distempers of the Government (which I own are great) have employ'd -the Stretch of my Understanding, and the deepest of my Thoughts, -to penetrate the Cause, and to find out the Remedy. But alas! All -the Product of my Study is this, That I find there is too near a -Resemblance between the Diseases of the State and those of the Body, -for the most expert Minister to become a greater Master in one than the -College is in t'other: And how far their Skill extends, you may see by -this Lump upon my Back. Allowances in all Professions there must be, -since 'tis weak Man that is the weak Professor. Believe me, Senator, -for I have seen the Proof on't. The longest Beard amongst us is a Fool. -Cou'd you but stand behind the Curtain, and there observe the secret -Springs of State, you'd see, in all the Good or Evil that attends it, -ten Ounces of Chance for one Grain either of Wisdom or Roguery. - -You'd see, perhaps, a venerable Statesman sit fast asleep in a great -downy Chair; whilst, in that soft Vacation of his Thought, blind Chance -(or what at least we blindly call so) shall so dispose a thousand -secret Wheels, that when he awakes, he needs but write his Name, to -publish to the World some blest Event, for which his Statue shall be -rais'd in Brass. - -Perhaps a Moment thence, you shall behold him torturing his Brain; his -Thoughts all stretcht upon the Rack for publick Service. The live-long -Night, when all the World's at rest, consum'd in Care, and watching for -their Safety, then by a Whirlwind in his Fate, in spight of him, some -Mischief shall befall 'em, for which a furious Sentence strait shall -pass, and they shall vote him to the Scaffold. Even thus uncertain are -Rewards and Punishments; and even thus little do the People know, when -'tis the Statesman merits one or t'other. - -_Gent._ Now I do believe I am beginning to be a wise Man; for I never -till now perceived I was a Fool. But do you then really believe, Sir, -our Men in Business do the best they can? - -_Esop._ Many of 'em do: Some perhaps do not. But this you may depend -upon; he that is out of Business is the worst Judge in the World of him -that is in: First, Because he seldom knows any Thing of the Matter: -And, Secondly, Because he always desires to get his Place. - -_Gent._ And so, Sir, you turn the Tables upon the Plaintiff, and lay -the Fool and Knave at his Door. - -_Esop._ If I do him wrong, I'm sorry for't. Let him examine himself, -he'll find whether I do or not. - - [_Exit ~Esop~._ - -_Gent._----Examine!----I think I have had enough of that already. -There's nothing left, that I know of, but to give Sentence: And truly I -think, there's no great difficulty in that. A very pretty Fellow I am, -indeed! Here am I come bellowing and roaring two hundred Miles Post to -find myself an Ass; when, with one Quarter of an Hour's Consideration, -I might have made the self-same Discovery, without going over my -Threshold. Well! if ever they send me on their Errand to reform the -State again, I'll be damn'd. But this I'll do: I'll go home and reform -my Family if I can: Them I'm sure I know. There's my Father's a peevish -old Coxcomb: There's my Uncle's a drunken old Sot: There's my Brother's -a cowardly Bully: Son _Numps_ is a lubberly Whelp: I've a great ramping -Daughter, that stares like a Heifer: and a Wife that's a slatternly Sow. - - [_Exit._ - - _Enter a young, gay, airy Beau, who stands smiling - contemptibly upon ~Esop~._ - -_Esop._ Well, Sir, what are you? - -_Beau._ A Fool. - -_Esop._ That's impossible!----for if thou wert, thou'd'st think thyself -a wise Man. - -_Beau._ So I do--This is my own Opinion----the t'other's my Neighbour's. - - [_Walking airily about._ - -_Esop. gazing after him._] Have you any Business with me, Sir? - -_Beau._ Sir, I have Business with nobody, Pleasure's my Study. - -_Esop._ [_Aside._] An odd Fellow this!----Pray, Sir, who are you? - -_Beau._ I can't tell---- - -_Esop._----Do you know who I am? - -_Beau._ No, Sir: I'm a Favourite at Court, and I neither know myself, -nor any body else. - -_Esop._ Are you in any Employment? - -_Beau._ Yes. - -_Esop._ What is't? - -_Beau._ I don't know the Name on't. - -_Esop._ You know the Business on't, I hope? - -_Beau._ That I do--the Business of it is----to----put in a Deputy and -receive the Money. - -_Esop._----Pray, what may be your Name? - -_Beau._ Empty. - -_Esop._ Where do you live? - -_Beau._ In the Side-Box. - -_Esop._ What do you do there? - -_Beau._ I ogle the Ladies. - -_Esop._ To what Purpose? - -_Beau._ To no Purpose. - -_Esop._ Why then do you do it? - -_Beau._ Because they like it, and I like it. - -_Esop._ Wherein consists the Pleasure? - -_Beau._ In playing the Fool. - -_Esop._----Pray, Sir, what Age are you? - -_Beau._ Five and twenty my Body; my Head's about fifteen. - -_Esop._ Is your Father living? - -_Beau._ Dead, thank God. - -_Esop._ Has he been long so? - -_Beau._ Positively, yes. - -_Esop._ Where were you brought up? - -_Beau._ At School. - -_Esop._ What School? - -_Beau._ The School of _Venus_. - -_Esop._ Were you ever at the University? - -_Beau._ Yes. - -_Esop._ What Study did you follow there? - -_Beau._ My Bed-maker. - -_Esop._ How long did you stay? - -_Beau._ Till I had lost my Maidenhead. - -_Esop._ Why did you come away? - -_Beau._ Because I was expell'd. - -_Esop._ Where did you go then? - -_Beau._ To Court. - -_Esop._ Who took Care of your Education there? - -_Beau._ A Whore and a Dancing-Master. - -_Esop._ What did you gain by them? - -_Beau._ A _Minuet_, and the _Pox_. - -_Esop._ Have you an Estate? - -_Beau._ I had. - -_Esop._ What's become on't? - -_Beau._ Spent. - -_Esop._ In what? - -_Beau._ In a Twelvemonth. - -_Esop._ But how? - -_Beau._ Why, in Dressing, Drinking, Whoring, Claps, Dice, and -Scriveners. What do you think of me now, old Gentleman? - -_Esop._ Pray, what do you think of yourself? - -_Beau._ I don't think at all: I know how to bestow my Time better. - -_Esop._ Are you married? - -_Beau._ No----have you ever a Daughter to bestow upon me? - -_Esop._ She wou'd be well bestow'd. - -_Beau._ Why, I'm a strong young Dog, you old Put, you: She may be worse -coupled---- - -_Esop._ Have you then a Mind to a Wife, Sir? - -_Beau._ Yaw, _Mynheer_. - -_Esop._ What wou'd you do with her? - -_Beau._ Why, I'd take Care of her Affairs, rid her of all her Troubles, -her Maidenhead, and her Portion. - -_Esop._ And, pray, what Sort of Wife wou'd you be willing to throw -yourself away upon? - -_Beau._ Why, upon one that has Youth, Beauty, Quality, Virtue, Wit and -Money. - -_Esop._ And how may you be qualified yourself, to back you in your -Pretensions to such a one? - -_Beau._ Why, I am qualified with----a Perriwig----a Snuff-box--a -Feather----a----smooth Face----a Fool's Head----and a Patch. - -_Esop._ But one Question more: What Settlements can you make? - -_Beau._ Settlements!--Why, if she be a very great Heiress, indeed, I -believe I may settle----myself upon her for Life, and my Pox upon her -Children for ever. - -_Esop._ 'Tis enough; you may expect I'll serve you, if it lies in my -Way. But I wou'd not have you rely too much upon your Success, because -People sometimes are mistaken---- - -As for Example---- - - _An Ape there was of nimble Parts, - A great Intruder into Hearts, - As brisk, and gay, and full of Air, - As you or I, or any here; - Rich in his Dress, of splendid Shew, - And with an Head like any Beau: - Eternal Mirth was in his Face; - Where'er he went, - He was content, - So Fortune had but kindly sent - Some Ladies----and a Looking-glass. - Encouragement they always gave him, - Encouragement to play the Fool; - For soon they found it was a Tool - Wou'd hardly be so much in Love, - But that the mumbling of a Glove, - Or tearing of a Fan, wou'd save him. - These Bounties he accepts as Proof - Of Feats done by his Wit and Youth; - He gives their Freedom gone for ever, - Concludes each Female Heart undone, - Except that very Happy One - To which he'd please to do the Favour. - In short, so smooth his Matters went, - He guess'd, where'er his Thoughts were bent, - The Lady he must carry: - So put on a fine new Cravat, - He comb'd his Wig, he cock'd his Hat, - And gave it out he'd marry. - But here, alas! he found to 's Cost, - He had reckon'd long without his Host: - For wheresoe'er he made th' Attack, - Poor Pug with Shame was beaten back. - The first fair She he had in Chace, - Was a young Cat, extremely rich, - Her Mother was a noted Witch; - So, had the Daughter prov'd but civil, - He'd been related to the Devil. - But when he came - To urge his Flame, - She scratch'd him o'er the Face. - With that he went among the Bitches, - Such as had Beauty, Wit and Riches, - And swore Miss Maulkin, to her Cost, - Shou'd quickly see what she had lost: - But the poor, unlucky Swain - Miss'd his Shepherdess again; - His Fate was to miscarry. - It was his Destiny to find, - That Cats and Dogs are of a Mind, - When Monkies come to marry._ - -_Beau._ 'Tis very well;----'tis very well, old Spark; I say, 'tis very -well. Because I han't a Pair of plaid Shoes, and a dirty Shirt, you -think a Woman won't venture upon me for a Husband----Why, now to shew -you, old Father, how little you Philosophers know of the Ladies, I'll -tell you an Adventure of a Friend of mine. - - _A Band, a Bob-Wig, and a Feather, - Attack'd a Lady's Heart together. - The Band, in a most learned Plea, - Made up of deep Philosophy, - Told her, if she wou'd please to wed - A Reverend Beard, and take, instead - Of vigorous Youth, - Old solemn Truth, - With Books and Morals into Bed, - How happy she wou'd be. - The Bob, he talk'd of Management, - What wondrous Blessings Heaven sent - On Care, and Pains, and Industry; - And, truly, he must be so free - To own, he thought your airy Beaux, - With powder'd Wigs, and dancing Shoes, - Were good for nothing (mend his Soul!), - But prate, and talk, and play the Fool. - He said, 'twas Wealth gave Joy and Mirth; - And that to be the dearest Wife - Of one, who labour'd all his Life, - To make a Mine of Gold his own, - And not spend ~Sixpence~ when he'd done, - Was Heaven upon Earth. - When these two Blades had done, d' ye see, - The Feather (as it might be me) - Steps out, Sir, from behind the Skreen, - With such an Air, and such a Mien, - Look you, old Gentleman, in short, - He quickly spoil'd the Statesman's Sport. - It prov'd such Sunshine Weather, - That you must know, at the first Beck - The Lady leapt about his Neck, - And off they went together._ - -_To ~Esop~._] There's a Tale for your Tale, old Dad, and -so----_Serviteur_. - - [_Exeunt._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -THE - -FALSE FRIEND. - -A - -COMEDY. - - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -PROLOGUE. - - - Spoken by Capt. _Griffin_. - - _You dread Reformers of an impious Age, } - You awful Cat-o'-nine Tails to the Stage, } - This once be just, and in our Cause engage. } - To gain your Favour, we your Rules obey, } - And treat you with a moral Piece to-day; } - So moral, we're afraid 'twill damn the Play. } - For tho' y' ave long been leagu'd (as People tell) - To reduce the Power exorbitant of Hell; - No Troops you send, t' abate it in this Field, - But leave us still expos'd, to starve or yield. - Your Scouts, indeed, sometimes come stealing in, - T' observe this formidable Camp of Sin, - And whisper, if we'll piously declare, - What Aids you then will send, to help us thro' the War. - To this we answer, We're a feeble State, } - And cannot well afford to love or hate, } - So shou'd not meddle much in your Debate. } - But, since your Cause is good, thus far we'll go, - When ~Portugal~ declares, we'll do so too. - Our Cases, as we think, are much alike, - And on the same Conditions, we should strike; - Send to their Aid a hundred Men of War, - To ours, a hundred Squadrons of the Fair; - Rig out your Wives and Daughters all around, - (I mean, wh' are fit for Service, tight and sound) - And, for a Proof our Meaning is sincere, } - See but the Ships are good, and if you fear } - A Want of Equipage, we'll mann them here. } - These are the Terms on which you may engage - The Poet's Fire, to batter from the Stage: - Useful Ally! whose Friendship lets you in, - Upon the weak and naked Side of Sin. - Against your old Attack, the Foe's prepar'd, - Well fortify'd, and always on his Guard; - The sacred Shot you send are flung in vain; } - By Impious Hands, with insolent Disdain, } - They're gather'd up, and fir'd at you again. } - Thro' baffled Toils, and unsuccessful Cares, } - In Slaughter, Blood and Wounds, and pious Snares, } - Y' ave made a ~Flanders~ War these fifteen hundred Years. } - Change then your Scheme, if you'll your Foe annoy, - And the infernal ~Bajazet~ destroy; - Our Aid accept, - W' ave gentler Stratagems which may succeed; - We'll tickle 'em where you'd make 'em bleed: - In Sounds less harsh, we'll teach 'em to obey; } - In softer Strains the evil Spirit lay, } - And steal Immorality away._ } - -[Illustration] - - - - -Dramatis Personæ. - - -MEN. - - Don _Felix_, a Gentleman of _Valencia_, Capt. _Griffin_. - Don _Pedro_, } { Mr. _Wilks_. - Don _Guzman_, } Lovers of _Leonora_, { Mr. _Mills_. - Don _John_, } { Mr. _Cibber_. - _Lopez_, Servant to Don _John_, Mr. _Pinkethman_. - _Galindo_, Servant to Don _Guzman_, Mr. _Bullock_. - - -WOMEN. - - _Leonora_, Daughter to Don _Felix_, Mrs. _Rogers_. - _Isabella_, her Friend, and Sister to } - _Guzman_, } Mrs. _Kent_. - _Jacinta_, Woman to _Leonora_, Mrs. _Oldfield_. - - - +SCENE+, at _Valencia_. - -[Illustration] - - THE - FALSE FRIEND. - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ I. +SCENE+ I. - - +SCENE+, _Don ~John~'s Lodgings._ - - - _Enter Don ~John~ beating ~Lopez~._ - -_Lop._ Hold, Sir, hold; there's enough in all Conscience; I'm -reasonable, I ask no more; I'm content. - -Don _John._ Then there's a double Content, you Dog, and a Brace of -Contents more into the Bargain. Now is't well? - - [_Striking again and again._ - -_Lop._ O, mighty well, Sir; you'll never mend it; pray leave it as 'tis. - -Don _John._ Look you, you Jackanapes, if ever I hear an Offer at your -impertinent Advice again---- - -_Lop._ And why, Sir, will you stifle the most useful of my -Qualifications? - -Don _John._ Either, Sirrah, I pass for a very great Blockhead with you, -or you are pleas'd to reckon much upon my Patience. - -_Lop._ Your Patience, Sir, indeed is great: I feel at this Time forty -Proofs on't upon my Shoulders: But really, Sir, I wou'd advise you -to---- - -Don _John._ Again! I can bear thee no longer. Here, Pen and Ink, -I'll give thee thy Discharge: Did I take you for a Valet, or a -Privy-Counsellor, Sir? - -_Lop._ 'Tis confess'd, Sir, you took me but for humble Employment; but -my Intention was agreeably to surprize you with some superior Gifts -of Nature, to your faithful Slave. I profess, my noble Master, a most -perfect Knowledge of Men and Manners. Yours, gracious Sir, (with all -Respect I speak it) are not irreprehensible. And I'm afraid in Time, -Sir, I am indeed, they'll riggle you into some ill-favour'd Affair, -whence, with all my Understanding, I shall be puzzled to bring you off. - -Don _John._ Very well, Sir. - -_Lop._ And therefore, Sir, it is, that I, poor _Lopez_ as I am, -sometimes take leave to maralize. - -Don _John._ Go, go, moralize in the Market-place: I'm quite worn out. -Once more, march. - -_Lop._ Is the Sentence definitive? - -Don _John._ Positive. - -_Lop._ Then, pray, let us come to account, and see what Wages are due. - -Don _John._ Wages! Refund what you have had, you Rascal, you, for the -plague you have given me. - -_Lop._ Nay, if I must lose my Money; then let me claim another Right: -Losers have leave to speak. Therefore, advance, my Tongue, and say thy -Pleausure; tell this Master of mine, he shou'd die with shame at the -Life he leads: So much unworthy of a Man of Honour: Tell him---- - -Don _John._ I'll hear no more. - -_Lop._ You shall indeed, Sir. - -Don _John._ Here, take thy Money, and begone. - -_Lop._ Counters all; adieu, you glistring Spangles of the World; -farewel, ye Tempters of the Great, not me. Tell him---- - -Don _John._ Stay. - -_Lop._ Go on; tell him he's worse among the Women than a Ferret among -the Rabbits; at one and all, from the Princess to the Tripe-Woman; -handsome, ugly, old Women and Children, all go down. - -Don _John._ Very well. - -_Lop._ It is, indeed, Sir, and so are the Stories you tell them to -bring them to your Matters. The Handsome, she's all Divinity, to be -sure; the Ugly, she's so agreeable, were it not for her Virtue, she'd -be over-run with Lovers; the light, airy, Flipflap, she kills him with -her Motions; the dull, heavy-tail'd Maukin melts him down with her -Modesty; the scragged, lean, pale Face has a Shape for Destruction; -the fat over-grown Sow has an Air of Importance; the tall aukward -Trapes with her Majesty wounds; the little, short Trundle-tail shoots a -_Je-ne-sçay-quoy_: In a Word, they have all something for him----and he -has something for them all. - -Don _John._ And thus, you Fool, by a general Attack, I keep my Heart my -own; lie with them that like me, and care not Sixpence for them that -don't. - -_Lop._ Well said, well said; a very pretty Amusement, truly! But, pray, -Sir, by your leave (Ceremony aside) since you are pleas'd to clear up -into Conversation, what mighty Matters do you expect from boarding a -Woman, you know, is already Heart and Soul engag'd to another? - -Don _John._ Why, I expect her Heart and Soul shou'd disengage in a -Week. If you live a little longer with me, Sirrah, you'll know how to -instruct your next Master to the purpose; and therefore, that I may -charitably equip you for a new Service, now I'm turning you out of my -own, I'll let you know, that when a Woman loves a Man best, she's in -the most hopeful way of betraying him; for Love, like Fortune, turns -upon a Wheel, and is very much given to rising and falling. - -_Lop._ Like enough: But as much upon the Weathercock as the Ladies are; -there are some the Wind must blow hard to fetch them about: When such a -sturdy Hussy falls in your Honour's way, what account may Things turn -to then, an't please ye? - -Don _John._ They turn to a Bottle, you Puppy. - -_Lop._ I find they'll always turn to something; but when you pursue a -poor Woman, only to make her Lover jealous, what Pleasure can you take -in that? - -Don _John._ That Pleasure. - -_Lop._ Look you there, again. - -Don _John._ Why, Sirrah, d'ye think there's no Pleasure in spoiling -their Sport, when I can't make my own? - -_Lop._ O! to a good-natur'd Man, be sure there must; but, suppose, -instead of 'fending and proving with his Mistress, he shou'd come -to----a----parrying and thrusting with you; what becomes of your Joy, -then, my noble Master? - -Don _John._ Why, do you think I'm afraid to fight, you Rascal? - -_Lop._ I thought we were talking of what we lov'd, not what we fear'd, -Sir. - -Don _John._ Sir, I love every Thing that leads to what I love most. - -_Lop._ I know, Sir, you have often fought upon these Occasions. - -Don _John._ Therefore, that has been no stop to my Pleasures. - -_Lop._ But you have never been kill'd once, Sir; and when that happens, -you will for ever lose the Pleasure of---- - -Don _John._ [_Striking him._] Breaking your Head, you Rascal, which -will afflict me heartily. See who knocks so hard. - - [_Knocking._ - -_Lop._ Somebody that thinks I can hear no better than you think I can -feel. - - _Enter Don ~Guzman~._ - -Don _Guz._ Don _John de Alvarada_, is he here? - -_Lop._ There's the Man. Shew me such another, if you can find him. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Guz._ Don _John_, I desire to speak with you alone. - -Don _John._ You may speak before this Fellow, Sir; he's trusty. - -Don _Guz._ 'Tis an Affair of Honour, Sir. - -Don _John._ Withdraw, _Lopez_. - -_Lop._ Behind the Door I will, and no farther. [_Aside._] This Fellow -looks as if he came to save me a broken Head. - - [_~Lopez~ retires._ - -Don _Guz._ I call myself _Don Guzman de Torrellas_; you know what -Blood I spring from; I am a Cadet, and by consequence, not rich; but I -am esteem'd by Men of Honour: I have been forward to expose myself in -Battles abroad, and I have met with Applause in our Feasts at home. - -_Lop._ So much by way of Introduction. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _John._ I understand your Merit, Sir, and shou'd be glad to do as -much by your Business. - -Don _Guz._ Give Attention, and you'll be instructed. I love _Leonora_, -and from my Youth have done so. Long she rejected my Sighs, and -despised my Tears, but my Constancy at last hath vanquish'd. I have -found the way to her Heart, and nothing is wanting to compleat my Joy, -but the Consent of her Father, whom I cannot yet convince, that the -Wants in my Fortune are recompens'd by the Merits of my Person. - -_Lop._ He's a very dull Fellow, indeed. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Guz._ In the mean while, the Object of my Vows is a sharer in -my Grief, and the only Cordial we have is the Pleasure of a secret -Conversation, thro' a small Breach I have made in a thin Partition that -divides our Lodgings. I trust you, Don _John_, with this important -Secret; Friend or Enemy, you are noble, therefore keep it; I charge -your Honour with it. - -_Lop._ You cou'd not put it in better Hands. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Guz._ But more; my Passion for this Lady is not hid; all -_Valencia_ is acquainted with my Wishes, and approves my Choice. You -alone, Don _John de Alvarada_, seeming ignorant of my Vows, dare -traverse my Amour. - -Don _John._ Go on. - -_Lop._ These Words import War; lie close, _Lopez_. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Guz._ You are the _Argus_ of our Street and the Spy of _Leonora_; -whether _Diana_ by her borrow'd Light supplies the Absence of the -_Astrea_ of Day, or that the Shades of Night cover the Earth with -impenetrable Darkness; you still attend till _Aurora_'s Return, under -the Balcony of that adorable Beauty. - -Don _John._ So? - -Don _Guz._ Wherever she moves, you still follow as her Shadow, -at Church, at Plays: Be her Business with Heaven or Earth, your -Importunity is such, you'll share it. - -_Lop._ He is a forward Fellow, that's the Truth on't. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Guz._ But what's still farther, you take the Liberty to copy me; -my Words, my Actions, every Motion is no sooner mine, but your's. In -short, you ape me, Don; and to that point, I once design'd to stab -myself, and try if you wou'd follow me in that too. - -_Lop._ No, there the Monkey wou'd have left you. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Guz._ But to conclude. - -Don _John._ 'Tis Time. - -Don _Guz._ My Patience, Don, is now no more; and I pronounce, that -if henceforth I find you under _Leonora_'s Window, who never wish'd, -fond Man, to see you there; I, by the ways of Honour, shall fix you in -another Station. I leave you to consider on't.----Farewel. - - [_Exit ~Don~ Guz._ - -Don _John._ Hold, Sir, we had e'en as good do this honourable Deed now. - - _Re-enter ~Lopez~._ - -_Lop._ No, pray, Sir, let him go, and maybe you mayn't have Occasion to -do it at all. - -Don _John._ I thought at first the Coxcomb came upon another Subject, -which wou'd have embarrassed me much more. - -_Lop._ Now this was a Subject wou'd have embarrass'd me enough in all -Conscience. - -Don _John._ I was afraid he came to forbid me seeing his Sister, -_Isabella_, with whom I'm upon very good Terms. - -_Lop._ Why, now, that's a hard Case, when you have got a Man's Sister, -you can't leave him his Mistress. - -Don _John._ No, Changeling, I hate him enough, to love every Woman that -belongs to him: and the Fool has so provok'd me by this Threatning, -that I believe I shall have a Stroke at his Mother, before I think -myself even with him. - -_Lop._ A most admirable way to make up Accounts, truly! - -Don _John._ A Son of a Whore! s'death, I did not care Sixpence for the -Slut before, but now I'll have her Maidenhead in a Week, for fear the -Rogue shou'd marry her in ten Days. - -_Lop._ Mum; here's her Father: I'll warrant this old Spark comes to -correct our Way of living too. - - _Enter Don ~Felix~._ - -Don _Fel._ Don _John!_ - -Don _John._ Don _Felix!_ do I see you in my poor Dwelling? Pray, to -what lucky Accident do I owe this Honour? - -Don _Fel._ That I may speak to you without Constraint, pray send away -your Servant. - -_Lop._ What the Pox have I done to 'em, they are all so uneasy at my -Company? - - [_Aside._ - -Don _John._ Give us Chairs, and leave the Room. - -_Lop._ If this old Fellow comes to quarrel with us too, he'll at least -do us less harm. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Fel._ Won't you retire, Friend? - - [_Looking behind._ - -Don _John._ Be gone, Sirrah. - -_Lop. aside._] Pox take ye----you old Prig, you: But I shall be even -with you. - - [_Lopez hides himself._ - -Don _Fel._ You know me, Sir? - -Don _John._ I do, Sir. - -Don _Fel._ That I call myself---- - -Don _John._ Don Felix. - -Don _Fel._ That I am of the House of---- - -Don _John._ _Cabrera_, one of the first of _Valencia_. - -Don _Fel._ That my Estate is---- - -Don _John._ Great. - -Don _Fel._ You know that I have some Reputation in the World? - -Don _John._ I know your Reputation equals your Birth. - -Don _Fel._ And you are not ignorant, that Heaven, for the Consolation -of my grey Hairs, has given me an only Daughter, who is not deform'd? - -Don _John._ Beauteous as Light. - -Don _Fel._ Well shap'd, witty, and endow'd with-- - -Don _John._ All the good Qualities of Mind and Body. - -Don _Fel._ Since you are satisfy'd with all this, hearken, I pray, with -Attention, to the Business that brings me hither. - -Don _John._ I shall. - -Don _Fel._ We all know, Don _John_, some by their own Experience, some -by that of others, how nice a Gentleman's Honour is, and how easily -tarnish'd; an _Eclaircissement_ manag'd with Prudence, often prevents -Misfortunes, that, perhaps, might be upon the Point of attending us. I -have thought it my Duty to acquaint you, that I have seen your Designs -upon my Daughter: You pass Nights entire under her Window, as if you -were searching an Opportunity to get into my House; there is nobody -in the Town but has taken Notice of your Proceedings; you give the -Publick a Subject for disadvantageous Discourse; and tho' in reality -_Leonora_'s Virtue receives no Prejudice by it, her Reputation daily -runs some Risque. My Years have taught me to judge right of Things; and -yet, I have not been able to decide what your End can be; you can't -regard my Daughter on a foot of Gallantry; you know her Virtue, and my -Birth too well; and for a Wife you seem to have no Thought, since you -have yet made no Demand to me: What then is your Intention? You have -heard, perhaps, I have hearken'd to a Gentleman of _Toledo_, a Man of -Merit. I own I have, and I expect him daily here; but, Don _John_, if -'tis that which hinders you from declaring in form, I'll ease you of a -great deal of Trouble, which the Customs of the World impose upon these -Occasions, and, in a Word, I'll break with him, and give you _Leonora_. - -_Lop._ Good. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Fel._ You don't answer me! What is't that troubles you? - -Don _John._ That I have been such a Sot, old Gentleman, to hear you -with so much Patience. - - [_Rising._ - -Don _Fel._ How, Don! I'm more astonish'd at your Answer, than I was -with your Silence. - -Don _John._ Astonish'd! Why han't you talk'd to me of Marriage? He asks -me to marry, and wonders what I complain of! - -Don _Fel._ 'Tis well----'tis well, Don _John_, the Outrage is violent! -You insult me in your own House. But, know, Sir---- - - [_Rising._ - -Don _John._ But, know, Sir, there needs no Quarrel, if you please, Sir; -I like your Daughter very well; but for marrying her----_Serviteur_. - -Don _Fel._ Don _Guzman de Torrellas_ has not less Merit than you, Don. - -Don _John._ Agreed; what then? - -Don _Fel._ And yet I have refus'd him my Daughter. - -Don _John._ Why then, you have used him better than you have done me, -which I take very unkindly. - -Don _Fel._ I have us'd you, Sir---- - -Don _John._ Us'd me, Sir? you have us'd me very ill, to come into my -own House to seduce me. - -Don _Fel._ What Extravagance! - -Don _John._ What Persecution! - -Don _Fel._ Am I then to have no other Answer? - -Don _John._ Methinks, you have enough in all Conscience. - -Don _Fel._ Promise me, at least, you'll cease to love my Daughter. - -Don _John._ I won't affront your Family so far, neither. - -_Lop._ I'gad my Master shines to-day. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Fel._ Know, Don, that I can bear no more. - -_Lop._ If he cou'd, I think there's no more to lay upon him. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Fel._ If I find you continue to importune _Leonora_, I shall find -a way to satisfy my offended Honour, and punish your Presumption. - -Don _John._ You shall do what you please to me, provided you don't -marry me. - -Don _Fel._ Know, _Alvarada_, there are ways to revenge such outrageous -Affronts as these. - -Don _John._ I won't marry. - -Don _Fel._ 'Tis enough. - - [_Exit Don ~Felix~._ - - _Re-enter ~Lopez~._ - -_Lop._ So; the old Fellow's gone at last, and has carry'd great Content -along with him. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _John._ _Lopez_. - -_Lop._ Sir---- - -Don _John._ What dost think? He wou'd have marry'd me! - -_Lop._ Yes, he had found his Man. But you have been even with him. - -Don _John._ What! thou hast heard us then? - -_Lop._ Or I were no Valet: But, pray, what does your Honour intend to -do now? Will you continue the Siege of a Place, where, 'tis probable, -they will daily augment the Fortifications, when there are so many open -Towns you may march into, without the Trouble of opening the Trenches. - -Don _John._ I am going, _Lopez_, to double my Attacks: I'll beat -up her Quarters six Times a-night; I am now downright in Love: the -Difficulties pique me to the Attempt, and I'll conquer or I'll die. - -_Lop._ Why, to confess the Truth, Sir, I find you much upon my Taste in -this Matter: Difficulties are the Rocambole of Love; I never valu'd an -easy Conquest in my life. To rouse my Fire; the Lady must cry out, as -softly as ever she can, Have a Care, my Dear, my Mother has seen us: My -Brothers suspect me; my Husband may surprize us: O, dear Heart, have a -Care, I pray! Then, I play the Devil: But, when I come to a Fair-one, -where I may hang up my Cloak upon a Peg, get into my Gown and Slippers-- - -Don _John._ Impudent Rogue! - - [_Aside._ - -_Lop._ See her stretch'd upon the Couch, in great Security, with--My -Dear, come kiss me, we have nothing to fear--I droop, I yawn, I sleep. - -Don _John._ Well, Sir, whatever you do with your Fair-one, I am going -to be very busy with mine; I was e'en almost weary of her, but _Guzman_ -and this old Fellow have reviv'd my dying Fire; and so, have at her. - -_Lop._ 'Tis all mighty well, Sir; mighty well, Sir, as can be in the -World. But, if you wou'd have the Goodness to consider _en passant_, or -so, a little now and then about Swords and Daggers, and Rivals and old -Fellows, and Pistols and great Guns, and such like Baubles, only now -and then at leisure, Sir, not to interrupt Things of more Consequence. - -Don _John._ Thou art a cowardly Rascal, I have often consider'd that. - -_Lop._ Ay, that's true, Sir; and yet a Blunderbuss is presently -discharged out of a Garret-Window. - -Don _John._ Come, no more Words, but follow me: How now! what -Impertinence have we here now, to stop me? - - _Enter Don ~Pedro~._ - -_Lop._ 'Tis Don _Pedro_, or I'm a Dog. - -Don _John._ Impossible! Don _Pedro_ return'd! - -Don _Ped._ 'Tis I, my dearest Friend; I'm come to forget all the -Miseries of a long Absence in one happy Embrace. - - [_They embrace._ - -Don _John._ I'm overjoy'd to see you. - -Don _Ped._ Mine's not to be exprest. What, Friend _Lopez_ here still! -How dost do, _Lopez_? What, dost not know me? - -_Lop._ As well as my Father's Seal, Sir, when he sends me a Bill of -Exchange. - -Don _Ped._ Just as he was, I find, Galliard still. - -_Lop._ I find it very unwholesome to be otherwise, Sir. - -Don _John._ You have then quitted the Service in _Flanders_, I suppose. - -Don _Ped._ I have so, Friend! I have left the Ensigns of _Mars_, and am -listing myself in a softer Militia. - -Don _John._ Explain, pray. - -Don _Ped._ Why, when your Father's Death oblig'd you to leave -_Brussels_, and return hither to the plentiful Fortune he left you; -I stay'd in _Flanders_, very trist for your Lost, and past three -Years in the Trade of War. About two Months since, my Father writ to -me from _Toledo_, that he was going to marry me very advantageously -at _Valencia_: He sent me the Picture of the Lady, and I was so well -pleased with it, that I immediately got my _Congé_ and embark'd at -_Dunkirk_; I had a quick Passage to the _Groyne_, from whence, by the -way of _Madrid_, I am come hither with all the Speed I cou'd. I have, -you must know, been two Days in Town, but I have lain _Incognito_, that -I might inform myself of the Lady's Conduct I'm to marry; and I have -discover'd, that she's serv'd by two Cavaliers of Birth and Merit. But -tho' they have both given many Proofs of a most violent Passion, I -have found, for the Quiet of my Honour, that this virtuous Lady, out -of Modesty or Prudence, has shewn a perfect Indifference to them and -their Gallantries; her Fortune is considerable, her Birth is high, her -Manners irreproachable, and her Beauty so great, that nothing but my -Love can equal it. - -Don _John._ I have hearken'd to you, Don _Pedro_, with a great deal of -Attention, and Heaven's my Witness, I have a mighty Joy in seeing you; -but the Devil fetch me, it makes my Heart bleed, to hear you are going -to be married. - -Don _Ped._ Say no more of that, I desire you; we have always been -Friends, and I earnestly beg we ever may be so; but I am not come to -ask Counsel about my Marriage; my Party is taken, and my Inquiries have -so much heightened my Desire, that nothing can henceforth abate it. I -must, therefore, expect from you, dear Friend, that you won't oppose -it, but that you'll aid me in hast'ning the Moment of my Happiness. - -Don _John._ Since 'tis so impossible for you to resolve for your own -Good, I must submit to what you'll have me: But are not we to know the -Name of this Piece of Rarity, that is to do you this good Turn? - -Don _Ped._ You'll know it presently; for I'm going to carry you to her -House. - -Don _John._ You shall tell me, at least, who are her two Gallants. - -Don _Ped._ One, they cou'd not tell me his Name; t' other is----But -before we talk any more of these Affairs, can you let me dispose of -_Lopez_, till the Return of a Servant, I sent three Days ago to---- - -Don _John._ Carry News of you to _Papa_, I suppose. - -Don _Ped._ You are right; the good Man is thirty Leagues off, and I -have not seen him these six Years. - -Don _John._ _Lopez_, do you wait upon Don _Pedro_. - -_Lop._ With all my Heart. It's at least a Suspension of Boxes of the -Ear, and Kicks of the Backside. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Ped._ Then, honest _Lopez_, with your Master's Leave, go to the -New-Inn, the King of _France_ on Horseback, and see if my Servant's -return'd; I'll be there immediately, to charge thee with a Commission -of more Importance. - -_Lop._ I shall perform your Orders, Sir, both to your Satisfaction, and -my own Reputation. - - [_Exit ~Lopez~._ - -Don _John._ Very quaint. Well, old Acquaintance, you are going to be -married then? 'Tis resolved: Ha! - -Don _Ped._ So says my Star. - -Don _John._ The foolishest Star that has said any Thing a great while. - -Don _Ped._ Still the same, I see! Or, more than ever, resolv'd to love -nothing. - -Don _John._ Love nothing! Why, I'm in Love at this very Time. - -Don _Ped._ With what? - -Don _John._ A Woman. - -Don _Ped._ Impossible! - -Don _John._ True. - -Don _Ped._ And how came you in love with her? - -Don _John._ Why, I was ordered not to be in love with her. - -Don _Ped._ Then, there's more Humour than Love in't. - -Don _John._ There shall be what you please in't. But I shan't quit the -Gentlewoman, till I have convinced her there's something in't. - -Don _Ped._ Mayn't I know her Name? - -Don _John._ When you have let me into your conjugal Affection. - -Don _Ped._ Pray, stay here but till I have sent _Lopez_ to my -Father-in-law; I'll come back, and carry you with me in a Moment. - -Don _John._ I'll expect you. - -Don _Ped._ Adieu, dear Friend! May I in earnest see you quickly in Love! - - [_Exit Don ~Pedro~._ - -Don _John._ May I, without a Jest, see you quickly a Widower. - - _Don ~John~ solus._ - -He comes, he says, to marry a Woman of Quality that has two -Lovers----If it should be _Leonora_----But, why she? There are many, I -hope, in that Condition in _Valencia_----I'm a little embarrass'd about -it, however---- - - _Friendship, take heed; if Woman interfere, - Be sure the Hour of thy Destruction's near._ - - [Exit. - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ II. - - -+SCENE+, _Leonora_'s Apartment. - - _Enter ~Leonora~, ~Isabella~, and ~Jacinta~._ - -_Leon._ Dear _Isabella_, come in: How I am plagu'd with this -troublesome Wretch! _Jacinta_, have you shut the outer Gates? - -_Jacin._ I have, Madam. - -_Leo._ Shut the Window too; we shall have him get in there, by and bye. - -_Isab._ What's this you are in such Apprehensions of, pray? - -_Leo._ Nothing worth naming. - -_Isab._ You dissemble: Something of Love in the Case, I'll warrant you. - -_Leo._ The Reverse on't; 'tis Aversion. My Impertinent Star has -furnish'd me with a Lover for my Guard, who is never from my Window; he -persecutes me to Distraction; I affront him fifty Times a day; which -he receives with a Bow down to the Ground: In short, all I can do, is -doing nothing at all: He still persists in loving me, as much as I hate -him. - -_Isab._ Have a Care he don't get the better on't, for all that; for -when a Man loves a Woman well enough to persevere, 'tis odds but she -at last loves him well enough to make him give it over. But I think I -had as good take off my Scarf; for, since my Brother Don _Guzman_ knows -I'm with you, he won't quarrel at my return, for the Length of my Visit. - -_Leo._ If he shou'd, I shou'd quarrel with him, which few Things else -wou'd make me do. But methinks, _Isabella_, you are a little melancholy. - -_Isab._ And you a little thoughtful. - -_Leo._ Pray, tell me your Affliction. - -_Isab._ Pray don't conceal yours. - -_Leo._ Why, truly, my Heart is not at ease. - -_Isab._ Mine, I fear, never will. - -_Leo._ My Father's marrying me against my Inclination. - -_Isab._ My Brother is hind'ring me from marrying with mine. - -_Leo._ You know I love your Brother, Don _Guzman_. - -_Isab._ And you shall know, I'm uneasy for Don _John de Alvarada_. - -_Leo._ Don _John_! - -_Isab._ The same. - -_Leo._ Have you any Reason to hope for a Return? - -_Isab._ I think so. - -_Leo._ I'm afraid, my Dear, you abuse yourself. - -_Isab._ Why? - -_Leo._ Because he is already in Love with---- - -_Isab._ Who? - -_Leo._ Me. - -_Isab._ I wou'd not have you too positive in that, Madam, for I am very -sure that---- - -_Leo._ Madam, I am very sure that he's the troublesome Guest I just now -complain'd of: And you may believe---- - -_Isab._ Madam, I can never believe he's troublesome to any Body. - -_Leo._ O, dear Madam! But I'm sure I'm forc'd to keep my Windows shut, -till I'm almost dead with Heat; and that, I think, is troublesome. - -_Isab._ This Mistake is easily set right, _Leonora_; our Houses join, -and when he looks at my Window, you fancy 'tis at your's. - -_Leo._ But, when he attacks my Door, Madam, and almost breaks it down, -I don't know how in the World to fancy 'tis your's. - -_Isab._ A Man may do that to disguise his real Inclination. - -_Leo._ Nay, if you please, believe he's dying for you. I wish he were; -then I shou'd be troubled no more with him. Be sure, _Jacinta_, you -don't open a Window to-night. - -_Isab._ Not while I'm here, at least; for if he knows that, he may -chance to press in. - -_Leo._ Look you, _Isabella_, 'tis entirely alike to me, who he's fond -of; but I'm so much your Friend, I can't endure to see you deceiv'd. - -_Isab._ And since I have the same Kindness for you, _Leonora_, know, in -short, that my Brother is so alarm'd at his Passion for me, that he has -forbid him the Street. - -_Leo._ Bless my Soul! and don't you plainly see by that, he's jealous -of him upon my Account? - -_Isa._ [_Smiling._] He's jealous of his Honour, Madam, lest he shou'd -debauch his Sister. - -_Leo._ I say, he's jealous of his Love, lest he shou'd corrupt his -Mistress. - -_Isab._ But why all this Heat? If you love my Brother, why are you -concern'd Don _John_ shou'd love me? - -_Leo._ I'm not concern'd: I have no Designs upon him; I care not who he -loves. - -_Isab._ Why then are you angry? - -_Leo._ Why do you say he does not care for me! - -_Isab._ Well, to content you then, I know nothing certain, but that I -love him. - -_Leo._ And to content you; I know nothing so certain, as that I neither -love him, nor ever can love him: And so I hope we are Friends again. - -_Isab._ Kiss me, then, and let us never be otherwise. - -_Leo._ Agreed: [_They kiss._] And now, my Dear, as my Misfortune's -nearest, I am first to be pity'd; I am the most wretched Woman living. -My Father every Moment expects a Gentleman from _Flanders_, to whom he -has resolv'd to marry me. But neither Duty, nor Prudence, nor Danger, -nor Resolution, nor all I can summon to my Aid, can drive your Brother -from my Heart; but there he's fix'd to ruin me. - -_Jacin._ Madam, here's Don _Guzman_ at the Chamber-Door; he begs so -passionately to come in, sure you can't refuse him. - -_Leo._ Heav'ns! But does he consider to what he exposes me? - -_Jacin._ Madam, he considers nothing; if he did, I'd say he were an -impudent Fellow, to pretend to be in Love with you. - -_Leo._ Shall I venture, _Isabella_? - -_Isab._ You know best. - - _Enter Don ~Guzman~._ - -_Jacin._ Marry, methinks he knows best of us all, for here he comes. - -Don _Guz._ Forgive me, lovely _Leonora_; 'tis the last Time, perhaps, -that I may beg your Pity. My Rival is not far off: Excess of Modesty is -now our Ruin. Break through it, for this Moment you have left, and own, -to your old Father, how you love. He once did so himself; our Scene of -Sorrow may, perhaps, recall some small Remembrance of his tender Years, -and melt him into Mercy. - -_Leo._ Alas! Don _Guzman_---- - -_Jacin._ O Heavens! Madam---- - -_Leo._ What's the Matter? - -_Jacin._ Y' are undone; here's your Father. - -_Isab._ What an unlucky Accident! - -_Leo._ Has he seen Don _Guzman_? - -_Jacin._ Nay, the deuce knows. - -_Isab._ Where shall he hide himself? - -_Jacin._ In the Moon, if he can get thither. - - _Enter Don ~Felix~._ - -Don _Guz._ I must e'en stand it now. - -Don _Fel._ Good News, my Daughter, good News; I come to acquaint -you, that----How now? What's the Meaning of this? Don _Guzman_ in my -Daughter's Chamber! - -Don _Guz._ I see your Surprize, Sir, but you need not be disturb'd; -'twas some sudden Business with my Sister brought me here. - -Don _Fel._ 'Tis enough, Sir: I'm glad to find you here; you shall be a -Witness, that I know how to preserve the Honour of my Family. - -Don _Guz._ What mean you, Sir? - -Don _Fel._ To marry _Leonora_ this Moment. - -Don _Guz._ How say you? - -Don _Fel._ I say, you shall have nothing left to ask of me. - -Don _Guz._ Is't possible? O Heavens! what Joy I feel! - -Don _Fel._ _Leonora_, prepare your Hand and Heart. - -_Leo._ They both are ready, Sir; and in giving me the Man I love, you -charge me with a Debt of Gratitude can never be repay'd. - -Don _Guz._ [_Kneeling._] Upon my Knees, I thank the best of Men, for -blessing me with all that's blest in Woman. - -_Isab._ How well that kind, that gentle Look becomes him! - -_Jacin._ Now, methinks he looks like an old Rogue; I don't like his -Looks. - - [_Aside._ - - _Enter ~Lopez~._ - -_Lop._ To all whom it may concern, greeting, Don _Pedro Osorio_, -acknowledging himself most unworthy of the Honour intended him, in -the Person of the fair _Leonora_, addresses himself, by me, his small -Ambassador, to the Generosity of Don _Felix_, for leave to walk in and -take Possession. - -Don _Fel._ I had already given Order for his Entrance. - -Don _Guz._ What is't I hear? - -_Leo._ Support me. - -_Isab._ She faints. - -Don _Guz._ Look, Tyrant, here, and, if thou can'st, be cruel! - - [_Holding her._ - -Don _Fel._ Bring in Don _Pedro_. - -Don _Guz._ Barbarian! - -_Jacin._ Look up, Madam, for Heaven's sake; since you must marry the -Fellow, e'en make the most on't. - -_Leo._ Hoh---- - - _Enter Don ~Pedro~ and Don ~John~._ - -_Jacin._ So----How d'ye do now? Come, chear up. See, here he comes. -By my Troth, and a pretty turn'd Fellow. [_Aside._] He'll set all to -rights by to-morrow Morning, I'll answer for him. - -Don _Fel._ Don _Pedro_, you are welcome; let me embrace you. - -Don _Ped._ In what Terms, Sir, shall I express what I owe you for the -Honour you do me? And with what Prospect of Return can I receive this -inestimable Present? Your Picture, Madam, made what Impression Art -cou'd stamp, but Nature has done more. What Wounds your Sex can give, -or ours receive, I feel. - -Don _Fel._ Come, Son, (for I'm in haste to call you so)----But what's -this I see? ~Alvarada~ here! Whence, Sir, this Insolence; to come -within my Doors, after you know what has past? Who brought you here? - -Don _Ped._ 'Twas I, Sir. - -Don _Fel._ But do you know that he---- - -Don _Ped._ Sir, he's the best of my Friends. - -Don _Fel._ But do you know, I say, that he wou'd---- - -Don _Ped._ Hinder this Marriage, 'tis true. - -Don _Fel._ Yes, because he design'd---- - -Don _Ped._ I know his Design, Sir; 'tis to hinder all his Friends from -marrying. Pray forgive him. - -Don _Fel._ Then to prevent for ever his Designs here, come hither, -_Leonora_, and give Don _Pedro_ your Hand. - -Don _John._ Keep down, my kindling Jealousy: I've something tortures me -I never felt but now. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Ped._ [_To ~Leo~._] Why this Backwardness, Madam? Where a Father -chooses, a Daughter may with Modesty approve. Pray, give me your Hand. - -Don _Guz._ I cannot see it. - - [_Turning from 'em._ - -Don _Fel._ [_To ~Leo.~ aside._] Are you distracted? Will you let him -know your Folly? Give him your Hand, for Shame. - -_Leo._ Hoh! Don _Guzman_, I am yours. - - [_Sighing, and giving carelesly her Hand._ - -Don _Guz._ Madam! - - [_Turning._ - -Don _Fel._ What a fatal Slip! - - [_Aside._ - -_Leo._ 'Twas not to you I spoke, Sir. - -Don _Ped._ But him it was she nam'd, and thought on too, I fear. I'm -much alarm'd. - -Don _Fel._ [_To ~Leo~._] Repair what you have done, and look more -chearful on him. - -_Leo._ Repair what you have done, and kill me. - -Don _Fel._ Fool. - -_Leo._ Tyrant. - -_Jacin._ A very hum-drum Marriage this. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Guz._ Pray, Sister, let's retire; for I can bear this Sight no -longer. - -_Isab._ My Dear, farewel; I pity you, indeed. - -_Leo._ I am indeed an Object of your Pity. - - [_Exit Don ~Guz.~ and ~Isab.~_ - -Don _Fel._ Come, Daughter, come, my Son, let's to the Church, and tie -this happy Knot. - -Don _Ped._ I'll wait upon you, Sir. - - [_Exit Don ~Fel.~ leading ~Leo.~_ - -Don _John._ I love her, and I'll love her still. Fate do thy worst, -I'll on. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Ped._ To name another Man, in giving me her Hand! - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] How am I rackt and torn with Jealousy? - -Don _Ped._ 'Tis doubtless so, Don Guzman has her Heart. - - [_Aside._ - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] The Bridegroom's thoughtful. The Lady's Trip has -furnish'd him with some Matrimonial Reflections: They'll agree with -him at this Time perhaps, better than my Company. I'll leave him. Don -_Pedro_, adieu, we shall meet again at Night. - -Don _Ped._ Pray stay: I have need of a Friend's Counsel. - -Don _John._ What, already! - -Don _Ped._ Already. - -Don _John._ That's to say, you have already enough of Matrimony. - -Don _Ped._ I scarce know what I have, nor am I sure of what I am. - - _Enter ~Lopez~._ - -_Lop._ An't please your Honour, yonder's your Man _Bertrand_ just -arriv'd; his Horse and he are so tired of one another, that they both -came down upon the Pavement at the Stable-Door. - -Don _Ped._ [_To Don ~John~._] He brings News from my Father. - -_Lop._ I believe he does, and hasty News too; but if you stay till he -brings it hither, I believe it will come but slowly. But here's his -Packet; I suppose that will do as well as his Company. - - [_Gives a Letter._ - -Don _Ped._ [_Reads to himself._] My dear friend, here's ill News. - -Don _John._ What's the Matter? - -Don _Ped._ My poor old Father's dying. - -Don _John._ I'm mighty sorry for't; 'tis a weighty Stroke I must -confess; the Burden of his Estate will almost bear you down. But we -must submit to Heaven's good Will. - -Don _Ped._ You talk, _Alvarada_, like a perfect Stranger to that -Tenderness methinks every Son shou'd feel for a good Father: For my -part, I've receiv'd such repeated Proofs of an uncommon Affection from -mine, that the Loss of a Mistress could scarce touch me nearer. You'll -believe me, when you see me leave _Leonora_ a Virgin, till I have seen -the good old Man. - -Don _John._ That will be a Proof, indeed; Heaven's Blessing must needs -fall upon so dutiful a Son; but I don't know how its Judgments may deal -with so indifferent a Lover. - -Don _Ped._ O! I shall have Time enough to repair this seeming small -Neglect: But before I go, pray a Word or two with you alone. _Lopez_, -wait without. [_Exit ~Lop~._] You see, my dearest Friend, I am engag'd -with _Leonora_; perhaps I have done wrong; but 'tis gone too far, to -talk or think of a Retreat; I shall I go directly from this Place to -the Altar, and there seal the eternal Contract. That done, I'll take -Post to see my Father, if I can, before he dies. I leave then here -a young and beauteous Bride; but that which touches every String of -Thought, I fear, I leave her wishing I were _Guzman_. If it be so, no -doubt he knows it well; and he that knows he's lov'd by _Leonora_, -can let no fair Occasion pass to gain her; my Absence is his Friend, -but you are mine, and so the Danger's balanc'd. Into your Hands, my -Dear, my faithful _Alvarada_, [_Embracing him._] I put my Honour, I -put my Life; for both depend on _Leonora_'s Truth. Observe her Lover, -and----neglect not her. You are wise, you are active, you are brave and -true. You have all the Qualities that Man shou'd have for such a Trust; -and I by consequence have all the Assurance Man can have, you'll, as -you ought, discharge it. - -Don _John._ A very hopeful Business you wou'd have me undertake, keep -a Woman honest!--'Sdeath, I'd as soon undertake to keep _Portocarero_ -honest. Look you, we are Friends, intimate Friends; you must not be -angry if I talk freely. Women are naturally bent to Mischief, and their -Actions run in one continued Torrent till they die. But the less a -Torrent's check'd, the less Mischief it does; let it alone, perhaps -'twill only kiss the Banks and pass; but stop it, 'tis insatiable. - -Don _Ped._ I wou'd not stop it; but cou'd I gently turn its Course -where it might run, and vent itself with Innocence, I wou'd. _Leonora_ -of herself is virtuous; her Birth, Religion, Modesty and Sense, will -guide her Wishes where they ought to point. But yet, let Guards be what -they Will, that Place is safest that is ne'er attack'd. - -Don _John._ As far as I can serve you, in hind'ring _Guzman_'s -Approaches, you may command me. - -Don _Ped._ That's all I ask. - -Don _John._ Then all you ask is granted. - -Don _Ped._ I am at ease, farewel. - -Don _John._ Heaven bring you safe to us again. - - [_Exit Don ~Ped~._ - - _Don ~John~ solus._ - -Yes, I shall observe her, doubt it not. I wish no body may observe me, -for I find I'm no more Master of myself. Don _Guzman_'s Passion for her -adds to mine; but when I think on what Don _Pedro_ will reap, I'm Fire -and Flame. Something must be done: What, let Love direct, for I have -nothing else to guide me. - - _Enter ~Lopez~._ - -_Lop._ [_Aside._] Don _Pedro_ is mounting for his Journey, and -leaves a young, warm, liquorish Hussy with a watry Mouth, behind -him----Hum--If she falls handsomely in my Master's Way, let her look to -her----hist--there he is. Doing what? Thinking? That's new. And if any -Good comes on't, that will be newer still. - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] How! Abuse the Trust a Friend reposes in me? And -while he thinks me waking for his Peace, employ the stretch of Thought -to make him wretched? - -_Lop._ Not to interrupt your pious Meditations, Sir, pray have you -seen----Seen what, Fool? Why he can't see thee. I'gad, I believe the -little blind Bastard has whipt him through the Heart in earnest. - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] _Pedro_ wou'd never have done this by me----How -do I know that?----Why----he swore he was my Friend----Well; and I -swore I was his----Why then if I find I can break my Oath, why should -not I conclude he will do as much by his? - -_Lop._ [_Aside._] His Countenance begins to clear up: I suppose Things -may be drawing to a Conclusion. - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] Ay, 'tis just so: And I don't believe he wou'd -have debated the Matter half so long as I have done: I'gad I think I -have put myself to a great Expence of Morality about it. I'm sure, at -least, my Stock's out. But I have a Fund of Love, I hope may last a -little longer. O, are you there, Sir! - - [_Seeing ~Lop~._ - -_Lop._ I think so, Sir; I won't be positive in any thing. - -Don _John._ Follow me: I have some Business to employ you in, you'll -like. - - [_Exit Don ~John~._ - -_Lop._ I won't be positive in that neither. I guess what you are -going about--There's Roguery a-foot: This is at _Leonora_, who I know -hates him; nothing under a Rape will do't----He'll be hang'd----And -then, what becomes of thee, my little _Lopez_?----Why, the Honour to -a----dingle dangle by him. Which he'll have the Good-nature to be -mighty sorry for. But I may chance to be beforehand with him: If we -are not taken in the Fact, they'll perhaps do him the Honour to set a -Reward upon his Head. Which if they do, Don, I shall go near to follow -your moral Example, secure my Pardon, make my Fortune, and hang you up -for the Good of your Country. - - [_Exit._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ III. - - -+SCENE+, _Don_ Felix's _House_. - - _Enter Don ~Felix~, Don ~Pedro~, ~Leonora~, and ~Jacinta~._ - -Don _Fel._ How, Son! oblig'd to leave us immediately, say you? - -Don _Ped._ My ill Fortune, Sir, will have it so. - -_Leo._ [_Aside._] What can this be? - -Don _Fel._ Pray, what's the Matter? You surprise me. - -Don _Ped._ This Letter, Sir, will inform you. - -Don _Fel._ [Reads.] _My dear Son, ~Bertrand~ has brought me the welcome -News of your Return, and has given me your Letter; which has in some -Sort reviv'd my Spirits in the Extremity I am in. I daily expect my -Exit from this World. 'Tis now six Years since I have seen you; I -shou'd be glad to do it once again before I die: If you will give me -that Satisfaction, you must be speedy. Heaven preserve you._ - -[_~To Don~ Ped._] 'Tis enough: The Occasion I'm sorry for, but since -the Ties of Blood and Gratitude oblige you, far be it from me to hinder -you. Farewel, my Son, may you have a happy Journey; and if it be -Heaven's Will, may the sight of so good a Son revive so kind a Father. -I leave you to bid your Wife adieu. - - [_Exit ~Don~ Fel._ - -Don _Ped._ I must leave you, my lovely Bride; but 'tis with bitter -Pangs of Separation. Had I your Heart to chear me on my Way, I might -with such a Cordial run my Course: But that Support you want the Power -to give me. - -_Leo._ Who tells you so? - -Don _Ped._ My Eyes and Ears, and all the Pains I bear. - -_Leo._ When Eyes and Ears are much indulg'd, like favourite Servants -they are apt to abuse the too much Trust their Master places in 'em. - -Don _Ped._ If I'm abus'd, assist me with some fair Interpretation of -all that present Trouble and Disquiet, which is not in my Power to -overlook, nor yours to hide. - -_Leo._ You might methinks have spar'd my Modesty; and without forcing -me to name your Absence, have laid my Trouble there. - -Don _Ped._ No, no, my Fair Deluder, that's a Veil too thin to cover -what's so hard to hide; my Presence not my Absence is the Cause. Your -cold Reception at my first Approach, prepar'd me for the Stroke; and -'twas not long before your Mouth confirmed my Doom: Don _Guzman_, I am -yours. - -_Leo._ Is't then possible the Mouth shou'd utter one Name for another? - -Don _Ped._ Not at all, when it follows the Dictates of the Heart.---- - -_Leo._ Were it even so, what Wrong is from that Heart receiv'd, where -Duty and where Virtue are its Rulers? - -Don _Ped._ Where they preside, our Honour may be safe, yet our Minds be -on the Rack. - -_Leo._ This Discourse will scarce produce a Remedy; we'll end it, -therefore, if you please, and leave the rest to Time: Besides, the -Occasion of your Journey presses you. - -Don _Ped._ The Occasion of my Delay presses you, I fear, much more; you -count the tedious Minutes I am with you, and are reduc'd to mind me of -my Duty, to free yourself from my Sight. - -_Leo._ You urge this thing too far, and do me wrong. The Sentiments I -have for you are much more favourable than your Jealousy suffers 'em -to appear. But if my Heart has seem'd to lean another way, before you -had a Title to it, you ought not to conclude I shall suffer it to do so -long. - -Don _Ped._ I know you have Virtue, Gratitude and Truth; and therefore -'tis I love you to my Ruin. Cou'd I believe you false, Contempt would -soon release me from my Chains, which yet I can't but wish to wear for -ever: therefore indulge at least your Pity to your Slave; 'tis the soft -Path in which we tread to Love. I leave behind a tortur'd Heart to move -you: - - _Weigh well its Pains, think on its Passion too, } - Remember all its Torments spring from you; } - And if you cannot love, at least be true._ } - - [_Exit Don ~Pedro~._ - -_Jacin._ Now by my troth, Madam, I'm ready to cry. He's a pretty -Fellow, and deserves better Luck. - -_Leo._ I own he does: And his Behaviour wou'd engage any thing that -were unengag'd. But, alas! I want his Pity more than he does mine. - -_Jacin._ You do! Now I'm of another Mind. The Moment he sees your -Picture, he's in love with you; the Moment he's in love with you, he -imbarks; and, like Lightning, in a Moment more, he's here: Where you -are pleas'd to receive him with a Don _Guzman, I am yours_. Ah----poor -Man! - -_Leo._ I own, _Jacinta_, he's unfortunate, but still I say my Fate is -harder yet. The irresistible Passion I have for _Guzman_, renders Don -_Pedro_, with all his Merit, odious to me; yet I must in his favour, -make eternal War against the Strength of Inclination and the Man I love. - -_Jac._ [_Aside._] Um----If I were in her Case, I cou'd find an -Expedient for all this Matter. But she makes such a Bustle with her -Virtue, I dare not propose it to her. - -_Leo._ Besides, Don _Pedro_ possesses what he loves, but I must never -think on poor Don _Guzman_ more. - - [_Weeping._ - -_Jac._ Poor Don _Guzman_, indeed! We han't said a Word of the Pickle -he's in yet. Hark! somebody knocks----at the old Rendezvous. It's he, -on my Conscience. - -_Leo._ Let's be gone; I must think of him no more. - -_Jac._ Yes, let's be gone; but let's know whether 'tis he or not, first. - -_Leo._ No, _Jacinta_; I must not speak with him any more. [_Sighing._] -I'm married to another. - -_Jac._ Married to another! Well, Married to another; why, if one were -married to twenty others, one may give a civil Gentleman an Answer. - -_Leo._ Alas! what would'st thou have me to say to him? - -_Jac._ Say to him! Why, one may find twenty Things to say to a Man: -Say, that 'tis true you are married to another, and that 'twould be -a--Sin to think of any Body but your Husband; and that----you are -of a timorous Nature, and afraid of being damn'd; and that a----You -wou'd not have him die neither: That a----Folks are mortal, and Things -sometimes come strangely about, and a Widow's a Widow, and---- - -_Leo._ Peace, Levity [_Sighing._] But see who 'tis knocks. - -_Jac._ Who's there? - -_Isa._ [_Behind the Scenes._] 'Tis I, _Isabella_. - -_Leo._ _Isabella!_ What do you want, my Dear? - -_Isa._ Your Succour, for Heaven's sake, _Leonora_. My Brother will -destroy himself. - -_Leo._ Alas! it is not in my power to save him. - -_Isa._ Permit him but to speak to you; that possibly may do. - -_Leo._ Why have not I the Force to refuse him? - -Don _Guz._ [_Behind the Scenes._] Is it you I hear, my poor lost -Mistress? Am I so happy, once more to meet you, where I so often have -been blest! - -_Jac._ Courage, Madam, say a little something to him. - -Don _Guz._ Not one kind Word to a distracted Lover? No Pity for a -Wretch, you have made so miserable? - -_Leo._ The only Way to end that Misery, is to forget we ever thought of -Happiness! - -Don _Guz._ And is that in your Power? Ah, _Leonora_, you ne'er lov'd -like me. - -_Leo._ How I have lov'd, to Heaven I appeal! But Heaven does now permit -that Love no more. - -Don _Guz._ Why does it then permit us Life and Thought? Are we deceiv'd -in its Omnipotence? Is it reduc'd to find its Pleasures in its -Creatures Pain? - -_Leo._ In what, or where, the Joys of Heaven consist, lies deeper than -a Woman's Line can fathom; but this we know, a Wife must in her Husband -seek for hers, and, therefore, I must think of you no more.----Farewel. - - [_Exit ~Leo~._ - -Don _Guz._ Yet hear me, cruel _Leonora_. - -_Jac._ It must be another Time, then, for she's whipt off now. All the -Comfort I can give you, is, that I see she durst not trust herself any -longer in your Company. But hush, I hear a Noise, get you gone; we -shall be catch'd. - -_Leo._ [_Within._] _Jacinta!_ - -_Jac._ I come, I come, Madam. - - [_Exit ~Jac~._ - - _Enter ~Lopez~._ - -_Lop._ If I mistake not, there are a Brace of Lovers intend to take -some Pains about Madam, in her Husband's Absence. Poor Don _Pedro_! -Well; methinks a Man's in a very merry Mood, that marries a handsome -Wife: When I dispose of my Person, it shall be to an ugly one. They -take it so kindly, and are so full of Acknowledgment; watch you, wait -upon you, nurse you, humour you, are so fond, and so chaste. Or, if the -Hussy has Presumption enough to think of being otherwise, away with -her into the Mountains, fifty Leagues off; no Body opposes. If she's -mutinous, give her Discipline; every Body approves on't. Hang her, says -one, he's kinder than she deserves: Damn her, says another, why does -not he starve her? But, if she's handsome, Ah, the Brute, cries one: Ah -the _Turk_, cries t'other: Why don't she cuckold him, says this Fellow? -Why does not she poison him, says that? and away comes a Pacquet of -Epistles, to advise her to't. Ah poor Don _Pedro_! But enough: 'Tis -now Night, all's hush and still: every Body's a-bed, and what am I to -do? Why, as other trusty Domesticks, sit up to let the Thief in. But I -suppose he won't be here yet; with the help of a small Nap beforehand, -I shall be in a better Condition to perform the Duty of a Centinel, -when I go to my Post. This Corner will just fit me: Come, _Lopez_, lie -thee down, short Prayers, and to sleep. - - [_He lies down._ - - _Enter ~Jacinta~ with a Candle in her Hand._ - -_Jac._ So, I have put my poor Lady to Bed, with nothing but Sobs, -Tears, Sighs, Wishes, and a Pillow to mumble, instead of a Bridegroom, -poor Heart.----I pity her; but every Body has their Afflictions, and -by the Beads of my Grandmother, I have mine. Tell me, kind Gentlemen, -if I have not something to excite you? Methinks I have a rogueish Eye, -I'm sure I have a melting Heart. I'm soft, and warm, and sound, may -it please ye. Whence comes it then, this Rascal _Lopez_, who now has -been two Hours in the Family, has not yet thought it worth his while, -to make one Motion towards me? Not that the Blockhead's Charms have -moved me, but I'm angry mine han't been able to move him. I doubt, I -must begin with the Lubber: my Reputation's at stake upon't, and I must -rouze the Drone, somehow. - - _~Lopez~ rubbing his Eyes, and coming on._ - -_Lop._ What a damn'd Condition is that of a Valet! No sooner do I, in -comfortable Slumber, close my Eyes, but methinks my Master's upon me, -with fifty Slaps o' th' Back, for making him wait in the Street. I have -his Orders to let him in here to-night, and so I had e'en----Who's -that?----_Jacinta!_----Yes, a-caterwauling!--like enough. - -_Jac._ The Fellow's there; I had best not lose the Occasion. - -_Lop._ The Slut's handsome. I begin to kindle: But if my master shou'd -be at the Door----Why there let him be, till the Matter's over. - - [_Aside._ - -_Jac._ Shall I advance? - - [_Aside._ - -_Lop._ Shall I venture? - - [_Aside._ - -_Jac._ How severe a Look he has! - - [_Aside._ - -_Lop._ She seems very reserv'd. - - [_Aside._ - -_Jac._ If he shou'd put the Negative upon me. - - [_Aside._ - -_Lop._ She seems a Woman of great Discretion; I tremble. - - [_Aside._ - -_Jac._ Hang it, I must venture. - - [_Aside._ - -_Lop._ Faint Heart never won fair Lady. - - [_Aside._ - -_Jac._ _Lopez_! - -_Lop._ _Jacinta_! - -_Jac._ O dear Heart! Is't you? - -_Lop._ Charming _Jacinta_, fear me not. - -_Jac._ O ho! he begins to talk soft----then let us take upon us again. - - [_Aside._ - -_Lop._ Cruel _Jacinta_, whose Mouth (small as it is) has made but one -Morsel of my Heart. - -_Jac._ It's well he prevents me. I was going to leap about the Rascal's -Neck. - - [_Aside._ - -_Lop._ Barbare _Jacinta_, cast your Eyes On your poor _Lopez_, ere he -dies. - -_Jac._ Poetry too! Nay then I have done his Business. - - [_Aside._ - -_Lop._ Feel how I burn with hot desire, Ah! pity me, and quench my -Fire. Deaf, my fair Tyrant, deaf to my Woes! Nay, then, Barbarian, in -it goes. - - [_Drawing a Knife._ - -_Jac._ Why, how now, Jack Sauce? why, how now, Presumption? What -Encouragement have I given you, Jack-a-lent, to attack me with your -Tenders? I cou'd tear your Eyes out, Sirrah, for thinking I'm such a -one. What Indecency have you seen in my Behaviour, Impudence, that you -shou'd think me for your beastly Turn, you Goat, you? - -_Lop._ Patience, my much offended Goddess, 'tis honourably I wou'd -share your Bed. - -_Jac._ Peace, I say--Mr. _Liquorish_. I, for whom the most successful -Cavaliers employ their Sighs in vain, shall I look down upon a crawling -Worm? Pha--See that Crop Ear there, that Vermin that wants to eat at a -Table, would set his Master's Mouth a-watering. - -_Lop._ May I presume to make an humble Meal upon what savoury Remnants -he may leave? - -_Jac._ No. - -_Lop._ 'Tis hard! 'tis wondrous hard! - -_Jac._ Leave me. - -_Lop._ 'Tis pitiful, 'tis wondrous pitiful! - -_Jac._ Begone, I say. Thus, Ladies 'tis, perhaps, sometimes with you; -With Scorn you fly the Thing, which you pursue. - - [_Exit ~Jac~._ - -_Lop._ [_Solus._] 'Tis very well, Mrs. Flipflap, 'tis very well; -but do you hear----Tawdry, you are not so alluring as you think you -are----Comb-brush, nor I so much in love----your Maidenhead may chance -to grow mouldy with your Airs--the Pox be your Bedfellow; there's that -for you. Come, let's think no more on't. Sailors must meet with Storms; -my Master's going to Sea, too. He may chance to fare no better with the -Lady, than I have done with her _Abigail_: There may be foul Weather -there, too. I reckon, at present, he may be lying by under a Mizen, -at the Street-Door; I think it rains too, for his Comfort. What if I -shou'd leave him there an Hour or two, in fresco, and try to work off -the Amour that Way? No; People will be physick'd their own Way. But, -perhaps, I might save his Life by't----yes, and have my Bones broke, -for being so officious; therefore, if you are at the Door, Don John, -walk in, and take your Fortune. - - [_Opens the Door._ - - _Enter Don ~John~._ - -Don _John._ Hist! hist! - -_Lop._ Hist! hist! - -Don _John._ _Lopez_! - -_Lop._ [_Aside._] The Devil--Tread softly. - -Don _John._ Are they all asleep? - -_Lop._ Dead. - -Don _John._ Enough; shut the Door. - -_Lop._ 'Tis done. - -Don _John._ Now, begone. - -_Lop._ What! Shut the Door first, and then begone! Now, methinks, I -might as well have gone first, and then shut the Door. - -Don _John._ I bid you begone, you Dog, you, do you find the way. - -_Lop._ [_Aside._] Stark mad, and always so when a Woman's in chace. -But, Sir, will you keep your chief Minister out of the Secrets of your -State? Pray, let me know what this Night's Work is to be. - -Don _John._ No Questions, but march. - - [Lop. _goes to the Door, and returns_. - -_Lop._ Very well----But, Sir, shall I stay for you in the Street? - -Don _John._ No, nor stir out of the House. - -_Lop._ So: well, Sir, I'll do just as you have order'd me; I'll be -gone, and I'll stay; and I'll march, and I won't stir, and--just as you -say, Sir. - -Don _John._ I see you are afraid, you Rascal, you. - -_Lop._ Possibly. - -Don _John_. Well, be it so; but you shan't leave the House, Sir; -therefore, begone to your Hogstye, and wait further Orders. - -_Lop._ [_Aside._] But, first, I'll know how you intend to dispose of -yourself. - - [_~Lop.~ hides behind the Door._ - - _Don ~John~ solus._ - -Don _John._ All's hush and still; and I am at the Point of being -a happy----Villain. That Thought comes uninvited----Then, like an -uninvited Guest, let it be treated: Begone, Intruder. _Leonora_'s -Charms turn Vice to Virtue, Treason into Truth; Nature, who has made -her the supreme Object of our Desires, must needs have designed her the -Regulator of our Morals. Whatever points at her, is pointed right. We -are all her due, Mankind's the Dower which Heaven has settled on her; -and he's the Villain that would rob her of her Tribute. I, therefore, -as in Duty bound, will in, and pay her mine. - -_Lop._ [_Aside._] There he goes, i'faith; he seem'd as if he had a -Qualm just now; but he never goes without a Dram of Conscience-Water -about him, to set Matters right again. - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] This is her Door, 'tis lock'd; but I have a -Smith about me will make her Staple fly. - - [_Pulls out some Irons, and forces the Lock._ - -_Lop._ [_Aside._] Hark! hark! if he is not equipt for a Housebreaker, -too. Very well, he has provided two Strings to his Bow; if he 'scapes -the Rape, he may be hang'd upon the Burglary. - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] There, 'tis done, so: No Watch-Light burning? -[_Peeping into her Chamber._] All in darkness? So much the better, -'twill save a great deal of blushing on both Sides. Methinks I feel -myself mighty modest, I tremble too; that's not proper at this Time. Be -firm, my Courage, I have Business for thee--So--How am I now? Pretty -well. Then by your Leave, Don _Pedro_, I must supply your Neglect. -You should not have married till you were ready for Consummation; -a Maidenhead ought no more to lie upon a handsome Bride, than an -Impeachment upon an innocent Minister. - - [_~Don~ John enters the Chamber._ - -_Lop._ [_Coming forwards._] Well done, well done; God-a-mercy, my -little _Judas_. Unfortunate Don _Pedro_! thou hast left thy Purse in -the Hands of a Robber; and while thou art galloping to pay the last -Duty to thy Father, he's at least upon the Trot to pay the first to -thy Wife. Ah the Traitor! What a _Capilotade_ of Damnation will there -be cook'd up for him! But softly: Let's lay our Ear to the Door, and -pick up some Curiosities----I hear no Noise----There's no Light; we -shall have him blunder where he should not do, by and by----commit a -Rape upon her Tea-Table, perhaps, break all her China, and then she'll -be sure to hang him. But hark--now I hear--nothing; she does not say a -Word; she sleeps curiously. How if she shou'd take it all for a Dream, -now? Or her Virtue shou'd be fallen into an Apoplexy? Where the Pox -will all this end? - -_Leo._ [_Within._] _Jacinta_! _Beatrix_! _Fernandez_! Murder! Murder! -help! help! help! - -_Lop._ Now the Play begins, it opens finely. - -_Leo._ [_Within._] Father! _Alphonso!_ Save me, O save me! - -_Lop._ Comedy or Tragedy, for a Ducat! for fear of the latter, decamp -_Lopez_. - - [_Exit ~Lopez~._ - - -+SCENE+ _changes to ~Leonora~'s Bed-Chamber; discovers ~Leonora~ in a -Gown, holding Don ~John~ by the Sleeve._ - -_Leo._ Whoever you are, Villain, you shan't escape me; and tho' your -Efforts have been in vain, you shan't fail to receive the Recompence of -your Attempt: Help, ho, help there! help! - - [_Don ~John~ breaks from her, but can't find the Door._ - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] S'death, I shall be undone! Where is this damn'd -Door? - -_Leo._ He'll get away: a Light there, quickly. - - _Enter Don ~Guzman~ with his Sword drawn._ - -Don _Guz._ Where are you, fair Angel? I come to lose my Life in your -Defence. - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] That's _Guzman_'s Voice? The Devil has sent him: -But we are still in the dark; I have one _Tour_ yet--Impudence, be -my Aid. Light there, ho! Where is the Villain that durst attempt the -virtuous _Leonora_. - -Don _Guz._ His Life shall make her Satisfaction. - -Don _John._ Or mine shall fall in his pursuit. - -Don _Guz._ 'Tis by my Hands that she shall see him die. - -Don _John._ My Sword shall lay him bleeding at her Feet. - -_Leo._ [_Aside._] What can this mean? But here's Light at last, thank -the just bounteous Heaven. - -Don _John._ Enter with the Light there; but secure the Door, lest the -Traitor 'scape my Vengeance. - - _Enter Don ~Pedro~, with a Light, he finds ~Leonora~ between - them; both their Swords drawn._ - -_Leo._ O Heavens! what is't I see? - -Don _John._ Don _Pedro_ here! - -Don _Ped._ What monstrous Scene is this? - - [_Aside._ - -Don _Guz._ What Accident has brought him here? - - [_Aside._ - -Don _John._ How I'm intrigu'd, indeed. - - [_Aside._ - - [_Don ~Pedro~ steps back and shuts the Door._ - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] This Mystery must unfold before we part. What -Torments has my Fate provided me? Is this the Comfort I'm to reap, to -dry my Tears, for my poor Father's death? [_To ~Leo~._] Ah _Leonora_! - -_Leo._ [_Aside._] Alas! where will this end! - - [_Falling into a Chair._ - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] Naked! and thus attended at the dead of Night! My -Soul is froze at what I see. Confusion sits in all their Faces, and in -large Characters I read the Ruin of my Honour and my Love. - -[_To the Men._] Speak, Statues, if you yet have Power to speak, why at -this Time of Night you are found with _Leonora_?----None speak! Don -_John_, it is from you I ought to know. - -Don _John._ My Silence may inform you. - -Don _Ped._ Your Silence does inform me of my Shame, but I must have -some Information more; explain the whole. - -Don _John._ I shall. You remember, Don _Pedro_---- - -Don _Ped._ Be quick. - -Don _John._ You remember you charged me before you went---- - -Don _Ped._ I remember well; go on. - -Don _John._ With the Care of your Honour. - -Don _Ped._ I did; dispatch. - -Don _John._ Very well; you see Don _Guzman_ in this Apartment, you see -your Wife naked, and you see me, my Sword in my Hand;--that's all. - -Don _Ped._ [_Drawing upon Don ~Guz~._] 'Tis here, then, I am to revenge -my Wrongs. - -Don _Guz._ Hold. - -Don _Ped._ Villain, defend thyself. - -_Leo._ O Heaven! - -Don _Guz._ Yet hear me. - -Don _Ped._ What canst thou say? - -Don _Guz._ The Truth, as holy Heaven itself is Truth! I heard the -Shrieks and Cries of _Leonora_; what the Occasion was I knew not; -but she repeated them with so much Vehemence, I found, whatever her -Distress might be, her Succour must be sudden; so leapt the Wall that -parts our Houses, and flew to her Assistance. Don _John_ can, if he -please, inform you more. - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] Mankind's a Villain, and this may be true; yet -'tis too monstrous for a quick Conception. I shou'd be cautious how -I wrong Don _John_. Sure 'tis not right to balance. I yet have but -their Words against their Words; I know Don _John_ for my Friend, and -_Guzman_ for my Rival. What can be clearer? Yet hold! If _Leonora_'s -innocent, she may untangle all. Madam, I shou'd be glad to know (if I -have so much Interest left) which Way your Evidence will point my Sword. - -_Leo._ My Lord, I'm in the same Perplexity with you: All I can say -is this; one of them came to force me, t'other to save me: but the -Night confounding the Villainy of the Guilty with the Generosity of -the Innocent, I still am ignorant to which I owe my Gratitude, or my -Resentment. - -Don _Guz._ But, Madam, did you not hear me cry, I came to help you? - -_Leo._ I own it. - -Don _John._ And did you not hear me threaten to destroy the Author of -your Fears? - -_Leo._ I can't deny it. - -Don _Guz._ What can there be more to clear me? - -Don _John._ Or me? - -Don _Ped._ Yet one's a Villain still. - -[_Aside._] My Confusion but increases; yet why confus'd? It is, it must -be _Guzman_. But how came Don _John_ here? Right. _Guzman_ has said how -he came to her Aid, but _Alvarada_ cou'd not enter but by Treason. -Then perish---- - -Don _Guz._. Who? - -Don _John._ Who? - -Don _Ped._ Just Gods, instruct me who! - - _Don. ~Felix~ knocks._ - -Don _Fel._ [_Within._] Let me in, open the Door. - -_Leo._ 'Tis my Father. - -Don _Ped._ No Matter; keep the Door fast. [_Aside._] I'll have this -Matter go no further, till I can reach the Depth on't. Don _Guzman_, -leave the House; I must suspend my Vengeance for a Time. - -Don _Guz._ I obey you; but I'll lose my Life, or shew my Innocence. - - [_Exit Don ~Guz~._ - -Don _Fel._ [_Within._] Open the Door; why am I kept out? - -Don _Ped._ Don _John_, follow me by this back Way. And you, _Leonora_, -retire. - - [_Exit ~Leonora~._ - -Don _John._ [_Aside, following Don ~Ped~._] If Don _Guzman_'s Throat -were cut, would not this Bustle end?--Yes----Why then, if his Throat be -not cut, may this Bustle end me! - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ IV. - - -+SCENE+, _Don_ Guzman's _House_. - - _Enter Don ~Guzman~, and ~Galindo~._ - -Don _Guz._ _Galindo!_ - - [_Musing._ - -_Gal._ Sir. - -Don _Guz._ Try if you can see _Jacinta_, let her privately know I wou'd -fain speak with her. - -_Gal._ It shall be done, Sir. - - [_Exit. ~Gal~._ - - _Don ~Guzman~ solus._ - -Sure Villainy and Impudence were never on the Stretch before! This -Traitor has racked them till they crack. To what a Plunge the -Villain's _Tour_ has brought me. _Pedro_'s Resentment must at last be -pointed here: But that's a Trifle; had he not ruin'd me with _Leonora_, -I easily had pass'd him by the rest.----What's to be done? Which Way -shall I convince her of my Innocence? The Blood of him who has dar'd -declare me Guilty, may satisfy my Vengeance, but not aid my Love. No; -I'm lost with her for ever---- - - _Enter ~Jacinta~._ - -Speak: is't not so, _Jacinta_? Am I not ruin'd with the virtuous -_Leonora_? - -_Jacin._ One of you, I suppose, is. - -Don _Guz._ Which dost thou think? - -_Jacin._ Why he that came to spoil all; who shou'd it be? - -Don _Guz._ Pr'ythee be serious with me if thou can'st, for one small -Moment, and advise me which Way I shall take to convince her of my -Innocence, that it was I that came to do her Service. - -_Jacin._ Why, you both came to do her Service, did not you? - -Don _Guz._ Still trifling. - -_Jacin._ No, by my Troth, not I. - -Don _Guz._ Then turn thy Thoughts to ease me in my Torment, and be my -faithful Witness to her, that Heaven and Hell and all their Wrath I -imprecate, if ever once I knew one fleeting Thought that durst propose -to me so impious an Attempt. No, _Jacinta_, I love her well; but love -with that Humility, whatever Misery I feel, my Torture ne'er shall urge -me on to seize more than her Bounty gives me leave to take. - -_Jacin._ And the Murrain take such a Lover, and his Humility both, say -I. Why, sure, Sir, you are not in earnest in this Story; are you? - -Don _Guz._ Why dost thou question it? - -_Jacin._ Because I really and seriously thought you innocent. - -Don _Guz._ Innocent! What dost thou mean? - -_Jacin._ Mean! Why, what shou'd I mean? I mean that I concluded you -lov'd my Lady to that Degree, you cou'd not live without her: And that -the Thought of her being given up to another, made your Passion flame -out like Mount _Etna_: That upon this your Love got the Bridle in his -Teeth, and ran away with you into her Chamber, where that impertinent -Spy upon her and you, Don _John_, follow'd, and prevented farther -Proofs of your Affection. - -Don _Guz._ Why, sure---- - -_Jacin._ Why, sure, thus I thought it was, and thus she thinks it is. -If you have a Mind in the Depth of your Discretion, to convince her of -your Innocence--May your Innocence be your Reward! I'm sure were I in -her Place, you shou'd never have any other from me. - -Don _Guz._ Was there then no Merit in flying to her Assistance when I -heard her Cries? - -_Jacin._ As much as the Constable and the Watch might have pretended -to--something to drink. - -Don _Guz._ This is all Raillery; 'tis, impossible she can be pleas'd -with such an Attempt. - -_Jacin._ 'Tis impossible she can be pleas'd with being reduc'd to make -the Attempt upon you. - -Don _Guz._ But was this a proper Way to save her Blushes? - -_Jacin._ 'Twas in the dark; that's one Way. - -Don _Guz._ But it must look like downright Violation. - -_Jacin._ If it did not feel like it, what did that signify? Come, Sir, -Waggery apart: You know I'm your Servant; I have given you Proofs on't. -Therefore, don't distrust me now, if I tell you, this Quarrel may be -made up with the Wife, tho' perhaps not with the Husband. In short, she -thinks you were first in her Chamber, and has not the worse Opinion of -you for it; she makes Allowance for your Sufferings, and has still Love -enough for you, not to be displeas'd with the utmost Proofs you can -give, that you have still a warm Remain for her. - -Don _Guz._ If this be true, and that she thought 'twas me, why did me -cry out to expose me? - -_Jacin._ Because at this Time she did not think 'twas you. Will that -content you? And now she does think 'twas you, your Business is to -let her think so on; for, in a Word, I can see she's concern'd at the -Danger she has brought you into, and, I believe, wou'd be heartily glad -to see you well out on't. - -Don _Guz._----'Tis impossible she can forgive me. - -_Jacin._ Oons--Now Heaven forgive me, for I had a great Oath upon the -very Tip of my Tongue; you'd make one mad with your Impossibles, and -your Innocence, and your Humilities. 'Sdeath, Sir, do you think a Woman -makes no Distinction between the Assaults of a Man she likes and one -she don't? My Lady hates Don _John_, and if she thought 'twas he had -done this Job, she'd hang him for't in her own Garters; she likes you, -and if you shou'd do such another, you might still die in your Bed like -a Bishop, for her. - -Don _Guz._ Well, I'll dispute no farther. I put myself into thy Hands. -What am I to do next? - -_Jacin._ Why, do as she bids you; be in the Way at the old Rendezvous, -she'll take the first Occasion she can to speak to you; and when you -meet, do as I bid you, and instead of your Innocent and Humble, be -Guilty and Resolute. Your Mistress is now marry'd, Sir; consider that. -She has chang'd her Situation, and so must you your Battery. Attack a -Maid gently, a Wife warmly, and be as rugged with a Widow as you can. -Good bye t'ye, Sir. - - [_Exeunt several Ways._ - - -+SCENE+, _Don_ Felix's _House_. - - _Enter Don ~Pedro~ solus._ - -In what Distraction have I past this Night! Sure I shall never close my -Eyes again! No Rack can equal what I feel. Wounded in both my Honour -and my Love; they have pierc'd me in two tender Parts. Yet cou'd I take -my just Revenge, it wou'd in some Degree assuage my Smart. O! guide me -Heaven to that Cordial drop.----Hold! A Glance of Light I think begins -to----Yes----Right. When Yesterday I brought Don _John_ hither, was not -Don _Felix_ much disturb'd?----He was; and why?----That may be worth -enquiring. But something more occurs. At my Arrival in this City, was -I not told that two Cavaliers were warm in the Pursuit of _Leonora_? -One I remember well, they nam'd, 'twas _Guzman_: The other, I am yet a -Stranger to. I fear I shall not be so long----'Tis _Alvarada_! O the -Traitor! yet I may wrong him much. I have _Guzman_'s own Confession -that he past the Wall to come to _Leonora_----O! but 'twas to her -Assistance----And so it might, and he a Villain still.--There are -Assistances of various Sorts----What were her Wants?--That's dark--But -whatsoe'er they were, he came to her Assistance. Death be his Portion, -for his ready Service. - - _Enter Don ~Felix~._ - -Don _Fel._ You avoid me, Don _Pedro_; 'tis not well. Am I not your -Father, have you not Reason to believe I am your Friend? - -Don _Ped._ I have. - -Don _Fel._ Why do you not then treat me like a Father and a Friend? The -Mystery you make to me of last Night's Disturbance, I take unkindly -from you.--Come, tell me your Grief, that if I can I may assuage it. - -Don _Ped._ Nothing but Vengeance can give me ease. - -Don _Fel._ If I desire to know your Wrongs, 'tis to assist you in -revenging 'em. - -Don _Ped._ Know then, that last Night in this Apartment I found Don -_Guzman_ and Don _John_. - -Don _Fel._ _Guzman_ and _Alvarada_? - -Don _Ped._ Yes; and _Leonora_ almost naked between them, crying out for -Aid. - -Don _Fel._ Were they both guilty? - -Don _Ped._ One was come to force her, t'other to rescue her. - -Don _Fel._ Which was the Criminal? - -Don _Ped._ Of that I am yet ignorant. They accuse each other. - -Don _Fel._ Can't your Wife determine it? - -Don _Ped._ The Darkness of the Night put it out of her Power. - -Don _Fel._ But I perhaps may bring some Light to aid you. I have Part -in the Affront: And tho' my Arm's too old and weak to serve you, my -Counsel may be useful to your Vengeance. Know then, that Don _Guzman_ -has a long Time pursu'd my Daughter; and I as resolutely refus'd his -Suit; which, however, has not hindered him from searching all Occasions -to see and speak to her. Don _John_, on his Side---- - -Don _Ped._ Don _John_'s my Friend, and I am confident---- - -Don _Fel._ That Confidence destroys you. Hear my Charge, and be -yourself his Judge. He too has been a pressing Suitor to my Daughter. - -Don _Ped._ Impossible! - -Don _Fel._ To me myself, he has own'd his Love to her. - -Don _Ped._. Good Gods! Yet still this leaves the Mystery where it was; -this Charge is equal. - -Don _Fel._ 'Tis true; but yonder's one (if you can make her speak) I -have Reason, to believe can tell us more.----Ho, _Jacinta_! - - _Enter ~Jacinta~._ - -_Jacin._ Do you call me, Sir? - -Don _Fel._ Yes; Don _Pedro_ wou'd speak with you. [_To Don ~Pedro~ -aside._] I'll leave you with her; press her; press her both by Threats -and Promises, and if you find your Wife in Fault, old as I am, her -Father too, I'll raise my Arm to plunge this Dagger in her Breast, and -by that Firmness convince the world, my Honour's dearer to me than my -Child. - - [_Exit Don ~Fel~._ - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] Heaven grant me Power to stifle my Rage, till -'tis Time to let my Vengeance fly. _Jacinta_, come near: I have some -Business with you. - -_Jacin._ [_Aside._] His Business with me at this Time can be good for -nothing, I doubt. - -_Jacin._ [_To Don ~Ped~._] What Commands have you, Sir, for me? I'm not -very well. - -Don _Ped._ What's your Disorder? - -_Jacin._ A little Sort of a something towards an Ague, I think. - -Don _Ped._ You don't seem so ill, but you may tell me-- - -_Jacin._ O, I can tell you nothing, Sir, I assure you. - -Don _Ped._ You answer me before yon hear my Question. That looks as if -you knew---- - -_Jacin._ I know that what you are going to ask me, is a Secret I'm out -at. - -Don _Ped._ [_Offering her a Purse._] Then this shall let thee into it. - -_Jacin._ I know nothing of the Matter. - -Don _Ped._ Come, tell me all, and take thy Reward. - -_Jacin._ I know nothing of the Matter, I say. - -Don _Ped._ [_Drawing his Sword._] Speak; or by all the Flame and Fire -of Hell Eternal-- - -_Jacin._ O Lard, O Lard, O Lard! - -Don _Ped._ Speak, or th'art dead. - -_Jacin._ But if I do speak, shan't I be dead for all that? - -Don _Ped._ Speak, and thou art safe. - -_Jacin._ Well--O Lard--I'm so frighted--But if I must speak then--O -dear Heart--give me the Purse. - -Don _Ped._ There. - -_Jacin._ Why truly, between a Purse in one's Hand--and--a Sword in -one's Guts, I think there's little room left for Debate. - -Don _Ped._ Come begin, I'm impatient. - -_Jacin._ Begin! let me see, where shall I begin? At Don _Guzman_, I -think. - -Don _Ped._ What of him? - -_Jacin._ Why he has been in love with my Lady these six Years. - -Don _Ped._ I know it; but how has she received him? - -_Jacin._ Receive him! Why--as young Maids use to receive handsome -Fellows; at first ill, afterwards better. - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] Furies! Did they ever meet? - -_Jacin._ A little. - -Don _Ped._ By Day or Night? - -_Jacin._ Both. - -Don _Ped._ Distraction! Where was their Rendezvous? - -_Jacin._ Where they cou'd not do one another much good. - -Don _Ped._ As how? - -_Jacin._ As through a Hole in a Wall. - -Don _Ped._ The Strumpet banters me: Be serious, Insolence, or I shall -spoil your Gaiety; I'm not dispos'd to Mirth. - -_Jacin._ Why I am serious, if you like my Story the better for't. - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] How miserable a Wretch am I! - -_Jacin._ I tell you there's a Wall parts their two Houses, and in that -Wall there's a Hole. How the Wall came by the Hole, I can't tell; -mayhap by chance, mayhap by no chance; but there 'tis, and there they -use to prattle. - -Don _Ped._ And this is Truth? - -_Jacin._ I can't bate you a Word on't, Sir. - -Don _Ped._ When did they meet there last? - -_Jacin._ Yesterday; I suppose 'twas only to bid one another adieu. - -Don _Ped._ Ah, _Jacinta_, thou hast pierced my Soul! - -_Jacin._ [_Aside._] And yet I han't told you half I cou'd tell you, my -Don. - -Don _Ped._ Where is this Place you speak of? - -_Jacin._ There 'tis, if you are curious. - -Don _Ped._ When they wou'd speak with one another; what's the Call? - -_Jacin._ Tinkle, Tinkle. - -Don _Ped._ A Bell? - -_Jacin._ It is. - -Don _Ped._ Ring. - -_Jacin._ What do you mean, Sir? - -Don _Ped._ [_Hastily._] Ring. - -_Jacin._ 'Tis done. - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] I'll make use of her to examine him. Does he come? - -_Jacin._ Not yet. - -Don _Ped._ Pull again. - -_Jacin._ You must give him Time, Sir: My Lady always does so. - -Don _Ped._ I hear something. - -_Jacin._ 'Tis he. - -Don _Guz._ [_Within._] Who's there? - -Don _Ped._.. [_Softly._] Say you are _Leonora_. - - [_Dumb Shew of her Unwillingness and his Threatning._ - -_Jacin._ [_Softly._] 'Tis _Leonora_. - -Don _Guz._ What are your Commands, Madam? Is it possible so unfortunate -a Wretch as I can be capable of serving you? - - [_~Don~ Ped. whispers ~Jacinta~, who seems backwards to - speak._ - -_Jacin._ I come to ask you, how cou'd you so far forget that infinite -Regard you have professed, as to make an Attempt so dangerous both to -yourself and me; and which, with all the Esteem and Love I have ever -borne you, you scarce cou'd hope I ever shou'd forgive you. - -Don _Guz._ Alas! my Hopes and Fears were vanish'd too. My Counsel was -my Love and my Despair. If they advis'd me wrong, of them complain, for -it was you who made 'em my Directors. - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] The Villain owns the Fact. It seems he thinks he -has not so much to fear from her Resentment.----O Torture! - - _Enter ~Leonora~._ - -_Jacin._ [_Aside._] So, she's here; that's as I expected: now we are -blown up. - -_Leo._ [_Aside, not seeing them._] If I don't mistake, I heard Don -_Guzman_'s Call. I can't refuse to answer it. Forgive me, Gods, and let -my Woman's Weakness plead my Cause.--How! my Husband here! Nay then---- - -Don _Ped._ You seem disorder'd, Madam; pray, what may be the Cause? - -_Leo._ [_Confus'd._] I don't know, really; I'm not----I don't know -that---- - -Don _Ped._ You did not know that I was here, I guess? - -_Leo._ Yes, I did, and----came to speak with you. - -Don _Ped._ I'm not at present in a talking Humour, but if your Tongue -is set to Conversation, there's one behind the Wall will entertain you. - -Don _Guz._ But is it possible, fair _Leonora_, that you can pardon my -Attempt? - -Don _Ped._ [_To Leo._] You hear him, Madam; he dares own it to you. - -_Leo._ [_Aside._] _Jacinta_ winks; I guess what Scene they have been -acting here. My Part is now to play. - -[_To Don ~Ped~._] I see, Sir, he dares own it: Nor is he the first -lover has pressum'd beyond the Countenance he ever has receiv'd. Pray -draw near, and hear what he has more to say: It is my Interest you -shou'd know the Depth of all has ever passed between us. - -_Leo._ [_To Don ~Guz~._] I fain wou'd know, Don _Guzman_, whether in -the whole Conduct of my Life, you have known one step, that cou'd -encourage you to hope I ever cou'd be yours, but on the Terms of Honour -which you sought me? - -Don _Guz._ Not one. - -_Leo._ Why then should you believe I cou'd forgive the taking that by -Force, which you already were convinc'd I valu'd more the keeping, than -my Life? - -Don _Guz._ Had my Love been as temperate as yours, I with your Reason -had perhaps debated. But not in Reason, but in Flames, I flew to -_Leonora_. - -_Leo._ If strong Temptation be allow'd a Plea, Vice, in the worst -of Shapes, has much to urge:--No, cou'd any Thing have shaken me in -Virtue, it must have been the Strength of it in you. Had you shone -bright enough to dazzle me, I blindly might have missed the Path -I meant to tread: But now you have clear'd my Sight for ever. If, -therefore, from this Moment more you dare to let me know one Thought of -Love, though in the humblest Stile, expect to be a Sacrifice to him you -attempt to wrong.----Farewel! - - [_She retires from him._ - -Don _Guz._ O stay and hear me!--I have wrong'd myself; I'm -innocent!----By all that's sacred, just and good, I'm innocent! - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] What does he mean? - -Don _Guz._ I have own'd a Fact I am not guilty of! _Jacinta_ can inform -you; she knows I never---- - -_Jacin._ I know! The Man's mad: Pray, begone, Sir, my Lady will hear no -more; I'll shut him out, Madam, shan't I? - - [_She shuts the Hole._ - -_Leo._ I have no farther Business with him. - - _Enter ~Isabella~ hastily._ - -_Isab._ O Heavens, _Leonora_, where are you? Don _Pedro_, you can -assist me better. - -_Leo._ What's the Matter? - -Don _Ped._ What is it, Madam, I can serve you in? - -_Isab._ In what the Peace of my whole Life consists; the Safety of my -Brother! Don _John_'s Servant has this Moment left me a Letter for him, -which I have open'd, knowing there is an Animosity of some Time between -'em. - -Don _Ped._ Well, Madam! - -_Isab._ O dear, it is a Challenge, and what to do I know not; if I -shew it my Brother, he'll immediately fly to the Place appointed; and -if I don't, he'll be accus'd of Cowardice. One way I risque his Life, -t'other I ruin his Honour. - -Don _Ped._ What wou'd you have me do, Madam? - -_Isab._ I'll tell you, Sir: I only beg you'll go to the Place where -Don _John_ expects him; tell him I have intercepted his Letter, and -make him promise you he'll send no more: By this generous Charity you -may hinder two Men (whose, Piques are on a frivolous Occasion) from -murdering one another! And by this good Office, you'll repay the small -Debt you owe my Brother, for flying last Night to _Leonora_'s Succour; -and doubly pay the Obligation you have to me, upon the same Occasion. - -Don _Ped._ What Obligation, Madam? I am ignorant; pray inform me. - -_Isab._ 'Twas I, Sir, that first heard _Leonora_'s Cries, and rais'd my -Brother to her Aid. Pray let me receive the same Assistance from your -Prudence, which you have had from my Care, and my Brother's Generosity. -But, pray lose no Time. Don _John_ is perhaps already on the Spot, and -not meeting my Brother, may send a second Message, which may be fatal. - -Don _Ped._ Madam, be at rest; you shall be satisfy'd, I'll go this -Moment. I'll only ask you first whether you are sure you heard my Wife -call out for Succour, before your Brother past the Wall? - -_Isab._ I did; why do you ask that Question? - -Don _Ped._ I have a Reason, you may be sure. [_Aside._] Just Heaven, -I adore thee! The Truth at last shines clear, and by that Villain -_Alvarada_ I'm betray'd. But enough; I'll make Use of this Occasion for -my Vengeance. [_To ~Isab~._] Where, Madam, is it, Don _John_ is waiting? - -_Isab._ But here, in a small Field, behind the Garden. - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] His Blood shall do me Reason for his Treachery. - -_Isab._ Will you go there directly? - -Don _Ped._ I will. Be satisfy'd. - - [_Ex. ~Don Ped~._ - -_Leo._ You weep, _Isabella_? - -_Isab._ You see my Trouble for a Brother for whom I wou'd die, and a -Lover for whom I wou'd live. They both are Authors of my Grief. - -_Leo._ They both are Instruments of my Misfortune. - - [_Exeunt._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -+ACT+ V. - - - _Enter ~Lopez~._ - -Oho! my good Signior Don _John_, you are mistaken in your Man; I am -your humble Valet, 'tis true, and I am to obey you; but when you have -got the Devil in your Body, and are upon your Rantipole Adventures, you -shall _Quixote_ it by yourself, for _Lopez_. Yonder he is, waiting for -poor _Guzman_, with a Sword of a Fathom and a Half; a Dagger for close -engagement; and (if I don't mistake) a Pocket-pistol for extraordinary -Occasions. I think I am not in the wrong to keep a little out of the -Way: These Matters will end in a Court of Justice, or I'm wrong in my -Foresight: Now that being a Place where I am pretty well known, and not -over-much reputed, I believe 'tis best, neither to come in for Prisoner -nor Evidence. But hold; yonder comes another _Toledo_! Don _Guzman_ I -presume, but I presume wrong, it is--who is it? Don _Pedro_, by all the -Powers! What the Pox does he here, or what the Pox do I here? I'm sure -as Matters stand, I ought to fly him like a Creditor; but he sees me, -'tis too late to slip him. - - _Enter Don ~Pedro~._ - -Don _Ped._ How now, _Lopez_; where are you going? - -_Lop._ I'm going, Sir, I----I'm going--if you please----I'm going about -my Business. - -Don _Ped._ From whence do you come? - -_Lop._ Only, only, Sir, from--taking the Air a little, I'm mightily -muddled with a Whur----round about in my Head, for this Day or two; I'm -going home to be let Blood, as fast as I can, Sir. - -Don _Ped._ Hold, Sir; I'll let you Blood here. - -This Rascal may have borne some Part in this late Adventure: He's a -Coward; I'll try to frighten it out of him. - - [_Seizing him by the Collar, and drawing his Poniard._ - -You Traitor, you, y' are dead. - -_Lop._ Mercy, Don _Pedro_! - -Don _Ped._ Are you not a Villain? - - [_~Lop.~ kneeling._ - -_Lop._ Yes; if you please. - -Don _Ped._ Is there so great a one upon Earth? - -_Lop._ With respect to my Master----No. - -Don _Ped._ Prepare then to die! - -_Lop._ Give me but Time, and I will. But, noble Don _Pedro_, just Don -_Pedro_, generous Don _Pedro_, what is it I have done? - -Don _Ped._ What, if thou dar'st deny, I'll plunge this Dagger deep into -thy Throat, and drive the Falsehood to thy Heart again. Therefore, take -heed, and on thy Life declare, didst thou not this last night open my -Doors to let Don _Guzman_ in? - -_Lop._ Don _Guzman_! - -Don _Ped._ Don _Guzman_! Yes, Don _Guzman_, Traitor; him. - -_Lop._ Now may the Sky crush me, if I let in Don _Guzman_. - -Don _Ped._ Who did let you in then? It was not your Master, sure! If it -was him, you did your Duty; I have no more to say. - -_Lop._ Why then, if I let in any Body else, I'm a Son of a Whore. - - [_Rising._ - -Don _Ped._ Did he order you beforehand, or did you do it upon his -knocking? - -_Lop._ Why he--I'll tell you, Sir, he----pray put up that Brilliant, it -sparkles so in my Eyes, it almost blinds me--thank you, Sir. - - [_Don ~Ped.~ puts it up._ - -Why, Sir, I'll tell you just how the Matter was, but I hope you won't -consider me as a Party. - -Don _Ped._ Go on; thou art safe. - -_Lop._ Why then, Sir, when (for our Sins) you had left us, says my -Master to me, _Lopez_, says he, go and stay at old Don _Felix_'s House, -till Don _Pedro_ returns; they'll pass thee for his Servant, and think -he has order'd thee to stay there. And then, says he, dost hear, open -me the Door by _Leonora_'s Apartment to-night, for I have a little -Business, says he, to do there. - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] Perfidious Wretch! - -_Lop._ Indeed, I was at first a little resty, and stood off; being -suspicious (for I knew the Man) that there might be some ill -Intentions. But he knew me too, takes me upon the weak Side, whips out -a long Sword, and by the same Means makes me do the Thing, as you have -made me discover it.--[_Aside._] There's neither Liberty nor Property -in this Land, since the Blood of the _Bourbons_ came amongst us. - -Don _Ped._ Then you let him in, as he bid you? - -_Lop._ I did: If I had not, I had never lived to tell you the Story. -Yes, I let him in. - -Don _Ped._ And what follow'd? - -_Lop._ Why, he follow'd. - -Don _Ped._ What? - -_Lop._ His Inclinations. - -Don _Ped._ Which Way? - -_Lop._ The old Way:--To a Woman. - -Don _Ped._. Confound him! - -_Lop._ In short, he got to Madam's Chamber, and before he had been -there long, (tho' you know, Sir, a little Time goes a great Way in some -Matters) I heard such a clutter of small Shot, Murder, Murder, Murder, -Rape, Fire, Help, and so forth--But hold, here he comes himself, and -can give you a more circumstantial Account of the Skirmish. - -_Don Ped._ I thank thee, Heaven, at last, for having pointed me to the -Victim I am to sacrifice. - - [_Ex. ~Lop.~_ - - _Enter Don ~John~._ - -[_Drawing._] Villain, defend thyself. - -Don _John._ What do you mean? - -Don _Ped._ To punish a Traitor. - -Don _John._ Where is he? - -Don _Ped._ In the Heart of a sworn Friend. - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] I saw _Lopez_, go from him, without doubt he has -told him all. - - [_To Don ~Ped~._ - -Of what am I suspected? - -Don _Ped._ Of betraying the greatest Trust that Man cou'd place in Man. - -Don _John._ And by whom am I accus'd? - -Don _Ped._ By me: Have at thy Traitor's Heart! - -Don _John._ Hold! And be not quite a Madman.--_Pedro_, you know me -well: You know I am not backward upon these Occasions, nor shall I -refuse you any Satisfaction you'll demand; but first, I will be heard, -and tell you, That for a Man of Sense, you are pleas'd to make very odd -Conclusions. - -Don _Ped._ Why, what is it possible thou canst invent to clear thyself? - -Don _John._ To clear myself! Of what? I'm to be thank'd for what I -have done, and not reproach'd. I find I have been an Ass, and push'd -my Friendship to that Point, you find not Virtue in yourself enough to -conceive it in another. But henceforward, I shall be a better Husband -of it. - -_Don Ped._ I shou'd be loth to find Ingratitude cou'd e'er be justly -charg'd upon me: But after what your Servant has confess'd---- - -Don _John._ My Servant! Right, my Servant! The very Thing I guess'd. -Fye, fye, Don _Pedro_; is it from a Servant's Mouth a Friend condemns -a Friend? Or can Servants always judge at what their Master's outward -Actions point? But some Allowances I shou'd make for the wild -Agitation you must needs be in. I'm therefore calm, and thus far pass -all by. - -Don _Ped._ If you are innocent, Heaven be my Aid, that I may find you -so. But still---- - -Don _John._ But still you wrong me, if you still suspect. Hear then, -in short, my part of this Adventure. In order to acquit myself of the -Charge you laid upon me in your Absence, I went last night, just as -'twas dark, to view the several Approaches of the House where you had -left your Wife; and I observ'd not far from one of the back Doors, two -Persons in close eager Conference: I was disguis'd, so ventur'd to -pass near 'em, and by a Word or two I heard, I found 'twas _Guzman_ -talking to _Jacinta_. My Concern for your Honour, made me at first -resolve to call him to an immediate Account. But then reflecting that -I might possibly over-hear some Part of their Discourse, and by that -judge of _Leonora_'s Thoughts, I rein'd my Passion in; and by the help -of an advancing Buttress, which kept me from their Sight, I learnt the -black Conspiracy. Don _Guzman_ said, he had great Complaint to make; -and since his honourable Love had been so ill return'd, he could with -ease forgive himself, if by some rougher Means he should procure, what -Prayers and Tears and Sighs had urg'd in vain. - -Don _Ped._ Go on. - -Don _John._ His kind Assistant clos'd smoothly with him, and inform'd -him with what ease that very Night she'd introduce him to her Chamber. -At last, they parted, with this Agreement, that at some Overture in a -Wall, he should expect her to inform him when _Leonora_ was in Bed, and -all the Coast was clear. - -Don _Ped._ Dispatch the rest--Is't possible after all he should be -innocent! - -Don _John._ I must confess the Resolution taken, made me tremble -for you: How to prevent it now and for ever, was my next Care. I -immediately order'd _Lopez_ to go lie at Don _Felix_'s, and to open me -the Door when all the Family were in Bed. He did as I directed him. -I enter'd, and in the dark found my way to _Leonora_'s Apartment. I -found the Door open, at which I was surpriz'd. I thought I heard some -stirring in her Chamber, and in an Instant heard her cry for Aid. At -this I drew, and rush'd into the Room, which _Guzman_, alarm'd at, -cry'd out to her Assistance. His ready Impudence, I must confess, at -first quite struck me speechless; but in a Moment I regain'd my Tongue, -and loud proclaim'd the Traitor. - -Don _Ped._ Is't possible? - -Don _John._ Yet more: your Arrival hindring me at that Time from taking -Vengeance for your Wrong, I at this Instant expect him here, to punish -him (with Heaven's righteous Aid) for daring to attempt my Ruin with -the Man, whose Friendship I prefer to all the Blessings Heaven and -Earth dispense. And now, Don _Pedro_, I have told you this, if still -you have a Mind to take my Life, I shall defend it with the self-same -Warmth I intended to expose it in your Service. - - [_Draws._ - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] If I did not know he was in love with _Leonora_, -I could be easily surpriz'd with what he has told me. But--But yet 'tis -certain he has destroyed the Proofs against him; and if I only hold him -guilty as a Lover; why must Don _Guzman_ pass for innocent? Good Gods, -I am again returning to my Doubts! - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] I have at last reduc'd him to a Balance, but one -Lye more tost in, will turn the Scale. - -_To Don ~Ped.~_] One Obligation more, my Friend, you owe me; I thought -to have let it pass, but it shall out. Know then, I lov'd, like you, -the beauteous _Leonora_; but from the Moment I observ'd how deep her -Dart had pierc'd you, tore my Passion from my bleeding Heart, and -sacrific'd my Happiness to yours. Now, I have no more to plead; if -still you think your Vengeance is my due, come pay it me. - -Don _Ped._ Rather ten thousand Poignards strike me dead! O _Alvarada_! -can you forgive a wild distracted Friend? Gods! Whither was my jealous -Frenzy leading me? Can you forget this barbarous Injury? - -Don _John._ I can: No more. But for the future, think me what I am, a -faithful and a zealous Friend.--Retire, and leave me here. In a few -Moments I hope to bring you further Proofs on't. _Guzman_ I instantly -expect, leave me to do you Justice on him. - -Don _Ped._ That must not be. My Revenge can ne'er be satisfy'd by any -other Hand but this. - -Don _John._ Then let That do't. You'll in a Moment have an Opportunity. - -Don _Ped._ You mistake; he won't be here. - -Don _John._ How so? - -Don _Ped._ He has not had your Challenge. His Sister intercepted it, -and desired I wou'd come to prevent the Quarrel. - -Don _John._ What then is to be done? - -Don _Ped._ I'll go and find him out immediately. - -Don _John._ Very well: Or hold----[_Aside._] I must hinder 'em from -talking. Gossiping may discover me. Yes: let's go and find him: Or, let -me see----Aye,----'twill do better. - -Don _Ped._ What? - -Don _John._ Why----That the Punishment should suit the Crime. - -Don _Ped._ Explain. - -Don _John._ Attack him by his own Laws of War--'Twas in the Night he -would have had your Honour, and in the Night you ought to have his Life. - -Don _Ped._ His Treason cannot take the Guilt from mine. - -Don _John._ There is no Guilt in fair Retaliation. When 'tis a Point -of Honour sounds the Quarrel, the Laws of Sword-Men must be kept, 'tis -true: But if a Thief glides in to seize my Treasure, methinks I may -return the Favour on my Dagger's Point, as well as with my Sword of -Ceremony six Times as long. - -Don _Ped._ Yet still the nobler Method I wou'd choose; it better -satisfies the Vengeance of a Man of Honour. - -Don _John._ I own it, were you sure you shou'd succeed: But the Events -of Combats are uncertain. Your Enemy may 'scape you: You perhaps may -only wound him; you may be parted. Believe me, _Pedro_, the Injury's -too great for a Punctilio Satisfaction. - -Don _Ped._ Well, guide me as you please, so you direct me quickly to my -Vengeance. What do you propose? - -Don _John._ That which is as easy, as 'tis just to execute. The Wall he -passed, to attempt your Wife, let us get over to prevent his doing so -any more. 'Twill let us into a private Apartment by his Garden, where -every Evening in his amorous Solitudes he spends some Time alone, and -where I guess his late fair Scheme was drawn. The Deed done, we can -retreat the Way we enter'd; let me be your Pilot, 'tis now e'en dark, -and the most proper Time. - -Don _Ped._ Lead on; I'll follow you. - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] How many Villanies I'm forc'd to act, to keep -one secret! - - [_Exeunt._ - - -+SCENE+, _Don. ~Guzman~'s Apartments._ - - _Don ~Guzman~, sitting solus._ - -With what Rigour does this unfaithful Woman treat me! Is't possible it -can be me, who appeared to love me with so much Tenderness? How little -stress is to be laid upon a Woman's Heart! Sure they're not worth -those anxious Cares they give. [_Rising._] Then burst my Chains, and -give me Room to search for nobler Pleasures. I feel my Heart begin to -mutiny for Liberty; there is a Spirit in it yet, will struggle hard for -Freedom: but Solitude's the worst of Seconds. Ho! _Sancho_, _Galindo_, -who waits there? Bring some Lights.--Where are you? - - _Enter ~Galindo~, rubbing his Eyes, and drunk._ - -_Galin._ I can't well tell. Do you want me, Sir? - -Don _Guz._ Yes, Sir, I want you. Why am I left in the dark? What were -you doing? - -_Gal._ Doing, Sir! I was doing----what one does when one sleeps, Sir. - -Don _Guz._ Have you no Light without? - -_Galin._ [_Yawning._] Light!----No, Sir,----I have no Light. I'm us'd -to Hardship, I can sleep in the dark. - -Don _Guz._ You have been drinking, you Rascal, you are drunk. - -_Gal._ I have been drinking, Sir, 'tis true, but I am not drunk. Every -Man that is drunk, has been drinking, confess'd. But every Man that has -been drinking, is not drunk.----Confess that too. - -Don _Guz._ Who is't has put you in this Condition, you Sot? - -_Galin._ A very honest Fellow: Madam _Leonora_'s Coachman, nobody else. -I have been making a little debauch with Madam _Leonora_'s Coachman; -yes. - -Don _Guz._ How came you to drink with him, Beast? - -_Gal._ Only _per_ Complaisance, Sir. The Coachman was to be drunk upon -Madam's Wedding; and I being a Friend, was desired to take Part. - -Don _Guz._ And so, you Villain, you can make yourself merry, with what -renders me miserable. - -_Galin._ No, Sir, no; 'twas the Coachman was merry; I drank with Tears -in my Eyes. The remembrance of your Misfortunes made me so sad, so sad, -that every Cup I swallow'd was like a Cup of Poison to me. - -Don _Guz._ Without doubt. - -_Galin._ Yes; and to mortify myself upon melancholy Matters, I believe -I took down fifty; yes. - -Don _Guz._ Go fetch some Lights, you drunken Sot, you. - -_Galin._ I will, if I can find the [_Feeling for the Door and running -against it._] Door, that's so say----The Devil's in the Door; I think -'tis grown too little for me----Shrunk this wet Weather, I presume. - - [_Ex. ~Galin~._ - - _Don ~Guzman~ alone._ - -Absence, the old Remedy for Love, must e'en be mine: to stay and brave -the Danger, were Presumption: Farewel _Valencia_, then, and farewel, -_Leonora_. And if thou can'st, my Heart, redeem thy Liberty, secure it -by a Farewel eternal to her Sex. - - _Re-enter ~Galindo~ with a Candle, he falls, and puts - it out._ - -_Galin._ Here's light, Sir----So,---- - -Don _Guz._ Well done. You sottish [_Passing angrily into another -Chamber._] Rascal, come no more in my Sight. - - [_Ex. Don ~Guz~._ - -_Galin._ These Boards are so uneven----You shall see now I shall -neither find [_Rising and feeling about for the Candle._] the -Candle----nor the Candlestick; It shan't be for want of searching, -however. - -----O ho, have I got you? Enough, I'll look for your Companion -to-morrow. - - _Enter Don ~Pedro~ and Don ~John~._ - -Don _Ped._ Where are we now? - -Don _John._ We are in the Apartment I told you of----Softly----I hear -something stir----Ten to one but 'tis he. - -_Galin._ Don't I hear, somewhat?----No----when one has Wine in one's -Head, one has such a bustle in one's Ears. - -Don _Pedro._ [_To Don ~John~._] Who is that is talking to himself? - -Don _John._ 'Tis his Servant, I know his Voice, keep still. - -_Galin._ Well; since my Master has banished me his Sight, I'll redeem -by my Obedience, what I have lost by my Debauch. I'll go sleep twelve -Hours in some melancholy Hole where the Devil Shan't find me; yes. - - [_Exit ~Galindo~._ - -Don _John._ He's gone; but hush, I hear somebody coming. - -Don _Guz._ Ho there! will nobody bring Light? - - [_Behind the Scene._ - -Don _Ped._ 'Tis _Guzman_. - -Don _John._ 'Tis so, prepare. - -Don _Ped._ Shall I own my Weakness? I feel an inward Check; I wish this -could be done some other way. - -Don _John._ Distraction all! Is this a Time to balance? Think on the -Injury he would have done you, 'twill fortify your Arm, and guide your -Dagger to his Heart. - -Don _Ped._ Enough, I'll hesitate no more; be satisfy'd; hark! he's -coming. - - _Don ~Guzman~ passes the Stage._ - -Don _Guz._ I think these Rogues are resolved to leave me in the dark -all Night. - - [_Exit Don ~Guz~._ - -Don _John._ Now's your Time, follow him and strike home. - -Don _Ped._ To his Heart, if my Dagger will reach it. - - [_Don ~Pedro~ follows him._ - -Don _John._ [_Aside._] If one be kill'd, I'm satisfy'd; 'tis no great -Matter which. - - _Re-enter Don ~Guzman~, Don ~Pedro~ following him, - with his Dagger ready to strike._ - -Don _Guz._ [_Aside._] My Chamber Door's lock'd, and I think I hear -somebody tread----Who's there?----Nobody answers. But still I hear -something stir. Hola there! _Sancho_, are you all drunk? Some Lights -here, quickly. - - [_Exit._ - - _Don ~Guzman~ passes by the Corner where ~Don John~ stands, - and goes of the Stage; Dan ~Pedro~ following him, stabs - Don ~John~._ - -Don _Ped._ [_Aside._] I think I'm near him now:----Traitor, take that, -my Wife has sent it thee. - -Don _John._ Ah, I'm dead! - -Don _Ped._ Then thou hast thy Due. - -Don _John._ I have, indeed; 'tis I that have betray'd thee. - -Don _Ped._ And 'tis I that am reveng'd on thee for doing it. - -Don _John._ I wou'd have forc'd thy Wife. - -Don _Ped._ Die then with the Regret to have fail'd in thy Attempt. - -Don _John._ Farewel, if thou can'st forgive me-- - - [_Dies._ - -Don _Ped._ I have done the Deed, there's nothing left but to make our -Escape. Don _John_, where are you? Let's begone, I hear the Servants -coming. - - _~Lopez~ knocks hard at the Door._ - -_Lop._ Open there quickly, open the Door. - -Don _Ped._ That's _Lopez_, we shall be discover'd. But 'tis no great -Matter, the Crime will justify the Execution; but where's Don _John_? -Don _John_, where are you? - - _~Lopez~ knocks again._ - -_Lop._ Open the Door there, quickly. Madam, I saw 'em both pass the -Wall; the Devil's in't if any good comes on't. - -_Leo._ I am frightened out of my Senses: ho, _Isabella_! - -Don _Ped._ 'Tis _Leonora_. She's welcome. With her own Eyes let her see -her _Guzman_ dead. - - _Enter Don ~Guzman~, ~Leonora~, ~Isabella~, ~Jacinta~ and - ~Lopez~, with Lights._ - -Don _Ped._ Ha! what is't I see? _Guzman_ alive? Then who art thou? - - [_Looking on Don ~John~._ - -Don _Guz._ _Guzman_ alive! Yes, _Pedro_, _Guzman_ is alive. - -Don _Ped._ Then Heaven is just, and there's a Traitor dead. - -_Isabella weeps._] Alas, Don _John_! - -_Lop._ [_Looking upon Don ~John~._] _Bonus Nocius._ - -Don _Guz._ What has produced this bloody Scene? - -Don _Ped._ 'Tis I have been the Actor in't;----my Poignard, _Guzman_, -I intended in your Heart.----I thought your Crime deserv'd it: but I -did you wrong, and my Hand in searching the Innocent, has by Heaven's -justice been directed to the Guilty. Don _John_, with his last Breath, -confess'd himself the Offender.--Thus my Revenge is satisfied, and you -are clear'd. - -Don _Guz._ Good Heaven, how equitable are thy Judgments! - -Don _Ped._ [_To ~Leo~._] Come, Madam, my Honour now is satisfied, and -if you please my Love may be so too. - -_Leo._ If it is not, - - _You to yourself alone shall owe your Smart, - For where I've given my Hand, I'll give my Heart._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -EPILOGUE, - - - Spoken by Mrs. _Oldfield_. - - _What say you, Sirs, d'ye think my Lady'll 'scape? - 'Tis dev'lish hard to stand a Fav'rite's Rape. - Shou'd ~Guzman~, like Don ~John~, break in upon her, - For all her Virtue, Heaven have Mercy on her: - Her Strength, I doubt, 's in his Irresolution, - There's wond'rous Charms in vig'rous Execution. - Indeed you Men are Fools, you won't believe - What dreadful Things we Women can forgive: - I know but one we never do pass by, - And that you plague us with eternally; - When in your courtly Fears to disoblige, - You won't attack the Town which you beseige: - Your Guns are light, and planted out of Reach: - D'ye think with Billet-doux to make a Breach? - 'Tis Small-Shot all, and not a Stone will fly: - Walls fall by Cannon, and by firing nigh: - In sluggish dull Blockades you keep the Field, - And starve us ere we can with Honour yield. - In short---- - We can't receive those Terms you gently tender, - But storm, and we can answer our Surrender._ - - =END of the FIRST VOLUME= - - +PLAYS+ printed for =T. Lowndes=, - at 6d. each. - - A Bramule, by Dr. Trapp - Adventures of Half an Hour - Albion and Albanius, by Dryden - Alchymist, by Ben Johnson - Alcibiades, by Otway - All for Love, by Dryden - Ambitious Step-mother, by Rowe - Amboyna, by Dryden - Amphitryon, by Dryden - Anatomist, by Ravenscroft - Anna Bullen, by Bankes - As You Like It, by Shakespeare - Artful Husband, by Taverner - Athaliah, by Mr. Duncomb - Aurengzebe, by Dryden - - Bartholomew Fair, by Ben Johnson - Baffet Table, by Centlivre - Beaux Stratagem, by Farquhar - Beggar's Opera, by Gay - Biter, by Rowe - Bold Stroke for a Wife - British Enchanters, by Lansdown - Busiris, by Dr. Young - Busy Body, by Centlivre - - Caius Marius, by Otway - Careless Husband, by Cibber - Catiline, by Ben Johnson - Cato, by Addison - Chances, by D. Buckingham - Chaplet, by Mr. Mendez - Cleomenes, by Dryden - Cobler of Preston - Comedy of Errors, by Shakespeare - Conscious Lovers, by Cibber - Committee, by Sir R. Howard - Confederacy, by Vanbrugh - Conscious Lovers, by Steele - Constant Couple, by Farquhar - Contrivances, by Carey - Country Lasses, by B. Johnson - Country Wife, by Wycherly - Cymbeline, altered by Mr. Garrick - - Damon and Phillida, by Mr. Dibdin - Devil of a Wife - Devil to Pay, by Coffey - Distressed Mother, by Am. Philips - Don Carlos, by Otway - Double Dealer, by Congreve - Double Gallant, by Cibber - Dragon of Wantley - Drummer, by Addison - Duke and no Duke, by Sir A. Cockain - Duke of Guise, by Dryden - - Earl of Essex, by Bankes - Every Man in his Humour - - Fair Penitent, by Rowe - Fair Quaker of Deal, by C. Shadwell - False Friend - Fatal Curiosity - Fatal Secret, by Theobald - Fiora, or Hob in the Well - Fox, by Ben Johnson - Friendship in Fashion, by Otway - Funeral, by Sir R. Steele - - Gamesier, by Mrs. Centlivre - Gentle Shepherd - George Barnwell, by Lillo - Gloriana - Greenwich Park - - Hamlet, by Shakespeare - Henry IV. 2 Parts, by ditto - Henry V. by ditto - Henry VI. 3 Parts, by ditto - Henry VIII. by ditto - Henry V. by Aaron Hill - Honest Yorkshireman - - Jane Gray, by Rowe - Jane Shore, by Rowe - Inconstant, by Farquhar - - King John, by Shakespeare - King Lear, by ditto - King Lear, by Tate - - Limberham, by Dryden - Love for Love, by Congreve - Love in a Mist - Love in a Tub, by Etherege - Love makes a Man, by C. Cibber - Love's Last shift, by Cibber - Lying Lover, by Steele - - Macbeth, by Shakespeare - Man of Mode, by Etherege - Marianne, by Fenton - Measure for Measure, by Shakespeare - Merchant of Venice, by Shakespeare - Mistake, by Vanbrugh - Mourning Bride, by Congreve - Much ado about Nothing - Mustapha, by Lord Orrery - - Nonjurer, by C. Cibber - - Oedipus, by Dryden - Old Bachelor, by Congreve - Oroonoko, by Southern - Orphan, by Otway - Othello, by Shakespeare - - Perjured Husband - Perolla and Isidora, by C. Cibber - Phædra and Hippolitus, by Smith - Pilgrim, by Beaumont and Fletcher - Polly, by Mr. Gay - Prophetess, by Beaumont - Provok'd Husband, by C. Cibber - Provok'd Wife, by Vanbrugh - - Recruiting Officer, by Farquhar - Refusal, by Cibber - Rehearsal, by of Buck. - Relapse, by Vanbrugh. - Revenge, by Dr. Young. - Richard III. by C. Cibber. - -[Illustration] - - - - - - TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES - - - Silently corrected simple spelling, grammar, and typographical - errors. - - Retained anachronistic and non-standard spellings as printed. - - Enclosed italics font in _underscores_. - - Enclosed unitalicized font in ~tildes~. - - Enclosed unitalicized small cap font in =equals=. - - Enclosed letter-spaced characters in +plus signs+. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Plays, vol. 1, by John Vanbrugh - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PLAYS, VOL. 1 *** - -***** This file should be named 51113-0.txt or 51113-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/1/1/51113/ - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, Mark C. Orton and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, -set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to -copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to -protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project -Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you -charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you -do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the -rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose -such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and -research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do -practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is -subject to the trademark license, especially commercial -redistribution. - - - -*** START: FULL LICENSE *** - -THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE -PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK - -To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project -Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at -http://gutenberg.org/license). - - -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works - -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy -all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. -If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the -terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or -entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. - -1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement -and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" -or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the -collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an -individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are -located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from -copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative -works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg -are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project -Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by -freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of -this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with -the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by -keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project -Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. - -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in -a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check -the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement -before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or -creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project -Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning -the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United -States. - -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate -access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently -whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project -Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, -copied or distributed: - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived -from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is -posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied -and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees -or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work -with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the -work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 -through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the -Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or -1.E.9. - -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional -terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked -to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the -permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. - -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. - -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg-tm License. - -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any -word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or -distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than -"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version -posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), -you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a -copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon -request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other -form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided -that - -- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is - owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he - has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the - Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments - must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you - prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax - returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and - sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the - address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to - the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." - -- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm - License. You must require such a user to return or - destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium - and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of - Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any - money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days - of receipt of the work. - -- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set -forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from -both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael -Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the -Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. - -1.F. - -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm -collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain -"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or -corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual -property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a -computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by -your equipment. - -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. - -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with -your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with -the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a -refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity -providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to -receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy -is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further -opportunities to fix the problem. - -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER -WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO -WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. -If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the -law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be -interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by -the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any -provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. - -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance -with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, -promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, -harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, -that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do -or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm -work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any -Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. - - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm - -Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers -including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists -because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from -people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. -To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation -and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 -and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. - - -Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive -Foundation - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at -http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent -permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. -Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered -throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at -809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email -business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact -information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official -page at http://pglaf.org - -For additional contact information: - Dr. Gregory B. Newby - Chief Executive and Director - gbnewby@pglaf.org - - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide -spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To -SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any -particular state visit http://pglaf.org - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. -To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate - - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works. - -Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm -concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared -with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project -Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. - - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. -unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. - - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - http://www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |