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diff --git a/old/51108-0.txt b/old/51108-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 6ca1c69..0000000 --- a/old/51108-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,7303 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Medley Dialect Recitations Comprising A -Series of The Most Popular Selections i, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Medley Dialect Recitations Comprising A Series of The Most Popular Selections in German, French, Scotch - -Author: Various - -Editor: George M. Baker - -Release Date: February 2, 2016 [EBook #51108] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS *** - - - - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, David Edwards and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - - STANDARD ELOCUTIONARY BOOKS - - =FIVE-MINUTE READINGS FOR YOUNG LADIES.= Selected and adapted by - WALTER K. FOBES. Cloth. 50 cents. - - =FIVE-MINUTE DECLAMATIONS.= Selected and adapted by WALTER K. - FOBES, teacher of elocution and public reader; author of - "Elocution Simplified." Cloth. 50 cents. - - =FIVE-MINUTE RECITATIONS.= By WALTER K. FOBES. Cloth. 50 cents. - - Pupils in public schools on declamation days are limited to five - minutes each for the delivery of "pieces." There is a great - complaint of the scarcity of material for such a purpose, while - the injudicious pruning of eloquent extracts has often marred the - desired effects. To obviate these difficulties, new "Five-Minute" - books have been prepared by a competent teacher. - - =ELOCUTION SIMPLIFIED.= With an appendix on Lisping, Stammering, - and other Impediments of Speech. By WALTER K. FOBES, graduate of - the "Boston School of Oratory." 16mo. Cloth. 50 cents. Paper, 30 - cents. - - "The whole art of elocution is succinctly set forth in this small - volume, which might be judiciously included among the text-books of - schools."--_New Orleans Picayune._ - - =ADVANCED READINGS AND RECITATIONS.= By AUSTIN B. FLETCHER, A.M., - LL.B., Professor of Oratory, Brown University, and Boston - University School of Law. This book has been already adopted in a - large number of Universities, Colleges, Post-graduate Schools of - Law and Theology, Seminaries, etc. 12mo. Cloth. $1.50. - - "Professor Fletcher's noteworthy compilation has been made with - rare rhetorical judgment, and evinces a sympathy for the best forms - of literature, adapted to attract readers and speakers, and mould - their literary taste."--PROF. J. W. CHURCHILL, _Andover Theological - Seminary_. - - =THE COLUMBIAN SPEAKER.= Consisting of choice and animated pieces - for declamation and reading. By LOOMIS J. CAMPBELL, and ORIN - ROOT, Jun. 16mo. Cloth. 75 cents. - - Mr. Campbell, as one of the editors of "Worcester's Dictionaries," - the popular "Franklin Readers," and author of the successful - little work, "Pronouncing Hand-Book of 3,000 Words," is well known - as a thorough scholar. Mr. Root is an accomplished speaker and - instructor in the West, and both, through experience knowing the - need of such a work, are well qualified to prepare it. _It is a - genuine success._ - - =VOCAL AND ACTION-LANGUAGE, CULTURE AND EXPRESSION.= By E. N. - KIRBY, teacher of elocution in the Lynn High Schools. 12mo. - English cloth binding. Price, $1.25. - - "Teachers and students of the art of public speaking, in any of - its forms, will be benefited by a liberal use of this practical - hand-book."--_Prof. Churchill._ - - =KEENE'S SELECTIONS.= Selection for reading and elocution. A - hand-book for teachers and students. By J. W. KEENE, A.M., M.D. - Cloth. $1. - - "An admirable selection of practical pieces." - - =LITTLE PIECES FOR LITTLE SPEAKERS.= The primary school teacher's - assistant. By a practical teacher. 16mo. Illustrated. 75 cents. - Also in boards, 50 cents. Has had an immense sale. - - =THE MODEL SUNDAY-SCHOOL SPEAKER.= Containing selections in prose - and verse, from the most popular pieces and dialogues for - Sunday-school exhibitions. Illust. Cloth. 75 cents. Boards, 50 - cents "A book very much needed." - - LEE AND SHEPARD Publishers Boston - - - - - _BAKER'S DIALECT SERIES_ - - MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS - - COMPRISING A SERIES OF - - THE MOST POPULAR SELECTIONS - - In German, French, and Scotch - - - EDITED BY - - GEORGE M. BAKER - - COMPILER OF "THE READING CLUB AND HANDY SPEAKER," "THE - PREMIUM SPEAKER," "THE POPULAR SPEAKER," "THE - PRIZE SPEAKER," "THE HANDY SPEAKER," ETC. - - BOSTON - LEE AND SHEPARD, PUBLISHERS - NEW YORK - CHARLES T. DILLINGHAM - 1888 - - - COPYRIGHT, 1887, - - BY GEORGE M. BAKER. - - MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. - - RAND AVERY COMPANY, - ELECTROTYPERS AND PRINTERS, - BOSTON. - - - - -CONTENTS - - - PAGE - - Hans Breitmann's Party _Charles G. Leland_ 5 - - The Deutsch Maud Muller _Carl Pretzel_ 6 - - The Dutchman's Serenade 7 - - Dyin' Vords of Isaac _Anon._ 9 - - Lookout Mountain, 1863--Beutelsbach, _George L. Catlin_ 10 - 1880 - - Der Shoemaker's Poy 12 - - Der Drummer _Charles F. Adams_ 13 - - The Yankee and the Dutchman's Dog 14 - - Setting a Hen 16 - - "What's the Matter with that _Our Fat Contributor_ 17 - Nose?" - - Keepin' the De'il oot _Mrs. Findley Braden_ 19 - - The Puzzled Census-Taker _John G. Saxe_ 22 - - Dutch Security 23 - - The Frenchman and the Rats 24 - - Heinz von Stein _Charles G. Leland, from the - German_ 26 - - The Solemn Book-Agent _Detroit Free Press_ 27 - - The Mother-in-Law _Charles Follen Adams_ 28 - - Schneider's Tomatoes _Charles F. Adams_ 29 - - Dutch Humor 30 - - Squire Houston's Marriage Ceremony 31 - - Dot Delephone 31 - - The United Order of Half-Shells 33 - - Why no Scotchmen go to Heaven 35 - - Yawcob Strauss _C. F. Adams_ 36 - - Leedle Yawcob Strauss--what - he says _Arthur Dakin_ 37 - - Isaac Rosenthal on the Chinese - Question _Scribner's Monthly_ 38 - - "Der Dog und der Lobster" _Saul Sertrew_ 39 - - "Der Wreck of der Hezberus" 41 - - Signs and Omens 43 - - A Dutchman's Answer 44 - - The Vay Rube Hoffenstein sells 45 - - A Dutch Recruiting Officer 46 - - Dot Baby off Mine 47 - - Dot Leetle Tog under der Vagon 49 - - Schnitzerl's Velocipede _Hans Breitmann_ 50 - - The Latest Barbarie Frietchie 51 - - Mr. Hoffenstein's Bugle 52 - - Fritz and his Betsy fall out _George M. Warren_ 54 - - Cut, Cut Behind _Charles Follen Adams_ 57 - - Tickled all Oafer 58 - - An Error o' Judgment 59 - - Sockery Kadahcut's Kat 61 - - I vash so Glad I vash Here! 63 - - Dot Shly Leedle Raskel 64 - - A Jew's Trouble _Hurwood_ 65 - - Der Mule shtood on der Steamboad Deck _Anon._ 66 - - Teaching him the Business 67 - - Der Good-lookin Shnow 69 - - How Jake Schneider went Blind 71 - - The Dutchman and the Raven 72 - - The Dutchman who gave Mrs. - Scudder the Small-Pox 74 - - Ellen McJones Aberdeen _W. S. Gilbert_ 76 - - A Dutch Sermon 78 - - Shacob's Lament 79 - - Mr. Schmidt's Mistake _Charles F. Adams_ 81 - - John and Tibbie Davison's Dispute _Robert Leighton_ 82 - - Fritz und I _Charles F. Adams_ 84 - - A Tussle with Immigrants _Philip Douglass_ 86 - - A Doketor's Drubbles _George M. Warren_ 86 - - Charlie Machree _William J. Hoppin_ 90 - - A Dutchman's Dolly Varden _Anon._ 91 - - The Frenchmen and the Flea-Powder 92 - - The Frenchman and the Sheep's - Trotters 94 - - I vant to Fly 96 - - The Frenchman's Mistake 98 - - "Two Tollar?" _Detroit Free Press_ 100 - - A Frenchman on Macbeth _Anon._ 101 - - Like Mother used to Make _James Whitcomb Riley, in - New-York Mercury_ 101 - - John Chinaman's Protest 102 - - The Whistler 104 - - Mother's Doughnuts _Charles Follen Adams_ 105 - - Over the Left _W. C. Dornin_ 106 - - A Jolly Fat Friar 107 - - The Enoch of Calaveras _F. Bret Harte_ 107 - - Curly-Head _B. S. Brooks_ 109 - - Warning to Woman 111 - - An Exciting Contest 112 - - A Laughing Philosopher 114 - - In der Shweed Long Ago _Oofty Gooft_ 117 - - Dot Stupporn Pony _Harry Woodson_ 118 - - Spoopendyke opening Oysters _Stanley Huntley_ 119 - - To a Friend studying German _Charles Godfrey Leland_ 122 - - Tammy's Prize 124 - - The Scotchman at the Play 128 - - An Irish Love-Letter _Geo. M. Baker_ 133 - - - - -MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. - - - - -HANS BREITMANN'S PARTY. - - - Hans Breitmann gife a party: dey had piano playin'. - I felled in lofe mit a Merican frau; her name vos Matilda Yane. - She had haar as prown as a pretzel bun; her eyes were himmel-blue; - And ven she looket into mine she shplit mine heart into two. - - Hans Breitmann gife a party: I vent dar, you'll be pound. - I valzt mit der Matilda Yane, and vent shpinnin' round and round,-- - De pootiest fraulein in de house: she weighed two hoondert pound. - - Hans Breitmann gife a party: I tells you it cost him dear. - Dey rollt in more as seven kegs of foost-rate lager-bier; - And fenefer dey knocks de shpickets in, de Deutschers gife a cheer; - I dinks so fine a party not come to a hend dis year. - - Hans Breitmann gife a party: dere all vas Saus and Braus. - Ven de sooper coom in, de gompany did make demselfs to house; - Dey eat das Brod und Gansebrust, Bratwurst, und Broten fine, - And vash deir Abendessen down mit four barrels of Neckar wein. - - Hans Breitmann gife a party: ve all cot trunk as pigs. - I put mine mout' to a parrel of bier, and schwallowed up mit a schwigs. - And den I kissed Matilda Yane, and she schlog me on de kop; - And de gompany fight mit taple-legs till de conshtoble made us shtop. - - Hans Breitmann gife a party: vere is dat party now? - Vere is de lofely golten cloud dat float on de mountain's prow? - Vere is de Himmelstrahlende Stern, de star of de spirits' light? - All goned afay mit de lager-bier, afay in de Ewigkeit. - - CHARLES G. LELAND. - - - - -THE DEUTSCH MAUD MULLER. - - - Maud Muller, von summer afternoon, - Vas dending bar in her fadder's saloon. - She solt dot bier, und singed "Shoo Fly," - Und vinked at der men mit her lefd eye. - But, ven she looked oud on der shdreed, - Und saw dem gals all dressed so shweed, - Her song gifed oud on a ubber note, - Cause she had such a horse in her troat; - Und she vished she had shdamps to shpend, - So she might git such a Grecian Bend. - Hans Brinker valked shlowly down der shdreed, - Shmilin at all der gals he'd meed. - Old Hans vas rich, as I've been dold, - Had houses und lots und a barrel of gold. - He shdopped py der door; und pooty soon - He valked righd indo dot bier saloon. - Und he vinked ad Maud, und said, "My dear, - Gif me, if you pblease, a glass of bier." - She vend to the pblace vere der bier-keg shtood, - Und pringed him a glass dot vas fresh and goot. - "Dot's goot," said Hans: "dot's a better drink - As effer I had in mine life, I dink." - He dalked for a vhile, den said, "Goot tay;" - Und up der shdreed he took his vay. - Maud hofed a sigh, and said, "Oh, how - I'd like to been dot old man's frow! - Such shplendid close I den vood vear, - Dot all the gals around vood shdare. - In dot Union Park I'd drive all tay, - Und efery efenin go to der pblay." - Hans Brinker, doo, felt almighty gweer - (But dot might been von trinkin bier); - Und he says to himself, as he valked along - Humming der dune of a olt lofe-song, - "Dot's der finest gal I efer did see; - Und I vish dot my vife she cood be." - But here his solilligwy came to an end, - As he dinked of der gold dot she might shbend; - Und he maked up his mind dot, as for him, - He'd marry a gal mid lots of "din." - So he vent right off dot fery day, - Und married a vooman olt und gray. - He vishes now, but all in vain, - Dot he was free to marry again,-- - Free as he vas dat afdernoon, - When he met Maud Muller in dot bier-saloon. - Maud married a man mitoud some "soap;" - He vas lazy, too; bud she did hope - Dot he'd get bedder ven shildren came: - But ven they had, he vas yoost the same. - Und ofden now dem dears vill come - As she sits alone ven her day's work's done, - Und dinks of der day ven Hans called her "My dear," - Und asked her for a glass of bier; - But she don'd complain nor efer has: - Und oney says, "Dot coodn't vas." - - CARL PRETZEL. - - - - -THE DUTCHMAN'S SERENADE. - - - Vake up, my schveet! Vake up, my lofe! - Der moon dot can't been seen abofe. - Vake oud your eyes, und dough it's late, - I'll make you oud a serenate. - - Der shtreet dot's kinder dampy vet, - Und dhere vas no goot blace to set; - My fiddle's getting oud of dune, - So blease get vakey wery soon. - - O my lofe! my lofely lofe! - Am you avake ub dhere abofe, - Feeling sad und nice to hear - Schneider's fiddle schrabin near? - - Vell, anyvay, obe loose your ear, - Und try to saw if you kin hear - From dem bedclose vat you'm among, - Der little song I'm going to sung: - - * * * * * - - O lady, vake! Get vake! - Und hear der tale I'll tell; - Oh, you vot's schleebin' sound ub dhere, - I like you pooty vell! - - Your plack eyes dhem don't shine - Ven you'm ashleep--so vake! - (Yes, hurry up, und voke up quick, - For gootness cracious sake!) - - My schveet imbatience, lofe, - I hobe you vill oxcuse: - I'm singing schveetly (dhere, py Jinks! - Dhere goes a shtring proke loose!) - - O putiful, schveet maid! - Oh, vill she efer voke? - Der moon is mooning--(Jimminy! dhere - Anoder shtring vent proke!) - - Oh, say, old schleeby head! - (Now I vas getting mad-- - I'll holler now, und I don't care - Uf I vake up her dad!) - - I say, you schleeby, vake! - Vake oud! Vake loose! Vake ub! - Fire! Murder! Police! Vatch! - Oh, cracious! do vake ub! - - * * * * * - - Dot girl she schleebed--dot rain it rained, - Und I looked shtoopid like a fool, - Vhen mit my fiddle I shneaked off - So vet und shlobby like a mool! - - - - -DYIN' VORDS OF ISAAC. - - -Vhen Shicago vas a leedle villages, dher lifed dherein py dot Clark -Sdhreet out, a shentlemans who got some names like Isaacs; he geeb a -cloting store, mit goots dot vit you yoost der same like dhey vas made. -Isaacs vas a goot fellers, und makes goot pishness on his hause. Vell, -thrade got besser as der time he vas come, und dose leetle shtore vas -not so pig enuff like anudder shtore, und pooty gwick he locks out und -leaves der pblace. - -Now Yacob Schloffenheimer vas a shmard feller; und he dinks of he dook -der olt shtore, he got good pishness, und dose olt coostomers von -Isaac out. Von tay dhere comes a shentlemans on his store, und Yacob -quick say of der mans, "How you vas, mein freund? you like to look of -mine goots, aind it?"--"Nein," der mans say. "Vell, mein freund, it -makes me notting troubles to show dot goots."--"Nein; I don'd vood buy -sometings to-tay."--"Yoost come mit me vonce, mein freund, und I show -you sometings, und so hellup me gracious, I don'd ask you to buy dot -goots."--"Vell, I told you vat it vas, I don'd vood look at some tings -yoost now; I keebs a livery shtable; und I likes to see mein old freund -Mister Isaacs, und I came von Kaintucky out to see him vonce."--"Mister -Isaacs? Vell, dot ish pad; I vas sorry von dot. I dells you, mein -freund, Mister Isaacs he vas died. He vas mein brudder, und he vas not -mit us eny more. Yoost vhen he vas on his deat-ped, und vas dyin', he -says of me, 'Yacob, (dot ish mine names), und I goes me ofer mit his -petside, und he poods his hands of mine, und he says of me, 'Yacob' -ofer a man he shall come von Kaintucky out, mit ret hair, und mit plue -eyes, Yacob, sell him dings cheab;' und he lay ofer und died his last." - - _Anonymous._ - - - - -LOOKOUT MOUNTAIN, 1863--BEUTELSBACH, 1880. - - - "Yah, I shpeaks English a leetle: berhaps you shpeaks petter der - German." - "No, not a word."--"Vel den, meester, it hardt for to be oonderstandt. - I vos drei yahr in your country, I fights in der army mit Sherman-- - Twentiet Illinois Infantry--Fightin' Joe Hooker's commandt." - - "So you've seen service in Georgia--a veteran, eh?"--"Vell, I tell you - Shust how it vos. I vent ofer in sixty, und landt in Nei-York; - I sphends all mine money, gets sick, und near dies in der Hospiddal - Bellevue: - Ven I gets petter I tramps to Sheecago to look for some vork." - - "Pretty young then, I suppose?"--"Yah, svansig apout; und der peobles - Vot I goes to for to ask for some vork, dey hafe none for to geef; - Efery von laughs; but I holds my head ope shust so high as der - steeples. - Only dot var comes along, or I should have die, I belief." - - "Ever get wounded? I notice you walk rather lame and unsteady. - Pshaw! got a wooden leg, eh? What battle? At Lookout! don't say! - I was there too--wait a minute--your beer-glass is empty already - Call for another. There! tell me how 'twas you got wounded that day." - - "Vell, ve charge ope der side of her mountain--der sky vos all smoky - and hazy; - Ve fight all day long in der clouds, but I nefer get hit until night-- - But--I don't care to say mooch apout it. Der poys called me foolish - and crazy. - Und der doctor vot cut ofe my leg, he say, 'Goot'--dot it serf me - shust right. - - "But I dinks I vood do dot thing over again, shust der same, and no - matter - Vot any man say."--"Well, let's hear it--you needn't mind talking to - me, - For I was there, too, as I tell you--and Lor'! how the bullets did - patter - Around on that breastwork of boulders that sheltered our Tenth - Tennessee." - - "So? Dot vos a Tennessee regiment charged upon ours in de efening, - Shust before dark; und dey yell as dey charge, und ve geef a hurrah, - Der roar of der guns, it vos orful."--"Ah! yes, I remember, 'twas - deafening, - The hottest musketry firing that ever our regiment saw." - - "Und after ve drove dem back, und der night come on, I listen, - Und dinks dot I hear somepody a callin'--a voice dot cried, - 'Pring me some vater for Gott's sake'--I saw his pelt-bate glisten, - Oonder der moonlight, on der parapet, shust outside. - - "I dhrow my canteen ofer to vere he lie, but he answer - Dot his left handt vos gone, und his right arm proke mit a fall; - Den I shump ofer, und gife him to drink, but shust as I ran, sir, - Bang! come a sharp-shooter's pullet; und dot's how it vos--dot is all." - - "And they called you foolish and crazy, did they? Him you befriended-- - The 'reb,' I mean--what became of him? Did he ever come 'round?" - "Dey tell me he crawl to my side, und call till his strength vos all - ended, - Until dey come out mit der stretchers, und carry us off from der - ground. - - "But pefore ve go, he ask me my name, und says he, 'Yacob Keller, - You loses your leg for me, und some day, if both of us leefs, - I shows you I don't vorget'--but he most hafe died, de poor feller; - I nefer hear ofe him since. He don't get vell, I beliefs. - - "Only I alvays got der saddisfachshun ofe knowin'-- - Shtop! vots der matter? Here, take some peer, you're vite as a sheet-- - Shteady! your handt on my shoulder! my gootness! I dinks you vos goin' - To lose your senses avay, und fall right off mit der seat. - - "Geef me your handts. Vot! der left one gone? Und you vos a soldier - In dot same battle?--a Tennessee regiment?--dot's mighty queer-- - Berhaps after all you're--" "Yes, Yacob, God bless you old fellow, I - told you - I'd never--no, never forget you. I told you I'd come, and I'm here." - - GEORGE L. CATLIN. - - - - -DER SHOEMAKER'S POY. - - - Der meat-chopper hanged on der vhitevashed vall, - For no gustomers comed to der putcher's shtall; - Der sausage masheen was no longer in blay, - And der putcher poys all had a holiday. - Der shoemaker's poy comed dere to shlide - On der door of der zellar, but shtealed inside: - Mit der chopping masheen he peginned to make free, - Un he cried, "Dere ish nopody looking at me." - O! der shoemaker's poy, - Un, O! der shoemaker's poy! - - Der day goed avay, un der night comed on. - Ven der shoemaker vound dat his poy vas gone, - He called up his vrow, un der search pegan - To look for der poy, un vind him if dey can. - Dey seeked un asked for him at efery door,-- - At der putcher's, der paker's, un groshery shtore; - At der lager-pier cellar, der shtation-house; - But der answer dey getted vas, "Nix cum arous." - O! der shoemaker's poy, - Un, O! der shoemaker's poy! - - Dey seeked him all night, un dey seeked him next tay - Un for more as a mont vas der duyvil to pay, - In der alleys, der houses, un efery place round, - In der Toombs, in der rifer, un in der tog-pound. - Dey seeked him in vain undil veeks vas bast, - Un der shoemaker goed to his awl at _last_; - Un ven he'd passed py, all der peeples vould cry, - "Dere goes der shoemaker vot losed his poy!" - O! der shoemaker's poy, - Un, O! der shoemaker's poy! - - At lenkt der meat-chopping masheen vas in need: - Der putcher goed to it, un dere he seed - A pundle of pones; un der shoes vas dere - Vot der long-lost shoemaker's poy did vear. - His jaws were still vagging, un seemed to say, - "Ven no one vas here, I got in to blay: - It closed mit a shpring, un der poy so green - Vas made sausage-meat by der chopping masheen." - O! der shoemaker's poy, - Der _last_ of der shoemaker's poy! - - - - -DER DRUMMER. - - - Who puts oup at der pest hotel, - Und dakes his oysters on der schell, - Und mit der frauleins cuts a schwell? - Der drummer. - - Who vas it gomes indo mine schtore, - Drows down his pundles on der vloor, - Und nefer schtops to shut der door? - Der drummer. - - Who dakes me by der handt, unt say, - "Hans Pfeiffer, how you vas to-day?" - Und goes for peesnis righd avay? - Der drummer. - - Who sphreads his zamples in a trice, - Und dells me, "Look, und see how nice!" - Und says I gets "der bottom price"? - Der drummer. - - Who says der tings vas eggstra vine,-- - "Vrom Sharmany, ubon der Rhine,"-- - Und sheats me den dimes oudt of nine? - Der drummer. - - Who dells how sheap der goots vas bought, - Mooch less as vat I gould imbort, - But lets dem go as he vas "short"? - Der drummer. - - Who varrants all der goots to suit - Der gustomers ubon his route?-- - Und ven dey gomes dey vas no goot,-- - Der drummer. - - Who gomes aroundt ven I been oudt, - Drinks oup my bier, and eates mine _kraut_, - Und kiss Katrina in der mout? - Der drummer. - - Who, ven he gomes again dis vay, - Vill hear vot Pfeiffer has to say, - Und mit a plack eye goes avay? - Dot drummer. - - CHARLES F. ADAMS - - - - -THE YANKEE AND THE DUTCHMAN'S DOG. - - -Hiram was a quiet, peaceable sort of a Yankee, who lived on the same -farm on which his fathers had lived before him, and was generally -considered a pretty cute sort of a fellow,--always ready with a trick, -whenever it was of the least utility; yet, when he did play any of his -tricks, 'twas done in such an innocent manner, that his victim could do -no better than take it all in good part. - -Now, it happened that one of Hiram's neighbors sold a farm to a -tolerably green specimen of a Dutchman,--one of the real unintelligent, -stupid sort. - -Von Vlom Schlopsch had a dog, as Dutchmen often have, who was less -unintelligent than his master, and who had, since leaving his -"faderland," become sufficiently civilized not only to appropriate the -soil as common stock, but had progressed so far in the good work as to -obtain his dinners from the neighbors' sheepfold on the same principle. - -When Hiram discovered this propensity in the canine department of -the Dutchman's family, he walked over to his new neighbor's to enter -complaint, which mission he accomplished in the most natural method in -the world. - -"Wall, Von, your dog Blitzen's been killing my sheep." - -"Ya! dat ish bace--bad. He ish von goot tog: ya! dat ish bad!" - -"Sartain, it's bad; and you'll have to stop 'im." - -"Ya! dat ish allas goot; but ich weis nicht." - -"What's that you say? _he was niched?_ Wall, now look here, old feller! -nickin's no use. Crop 'im; cut the tail off close, chock up to his -trunk: that'll cure him." - -"Vat ish dat?" exclaimed the Dutchman, while a faint ray of -intelligence crept over his features. "Ya! dat ish goot. Dat cure von -sheep steal, eh?" - -"Sartain it will: he'll never touch sheep-meat again in this world," -said Hiram gravely. - -"Den come mit me. He von mity goot tog; all the way from Yarmany: I not -take one five dollar--but come mit me, and hold his tail, eh? Ich chop -him off." - -"Sartain," said Hiram: "I'll hold his tail if you want me tew; but you -must cut it up close." - -"Ya! dat ish right. Ich make 'im von goot tog. There, Blitzen, Blitzen! -come right here, you von sheep steal rashcull: I chop your tail in von -two pieces." - -The dog obeyed the summons; and the master tied his feet fore and aft, -for fear of accident, and, placing the tail in the Yankee's hand, -requested him to lay it across a large block of wood. - -"Chock up," said Hiram, as he drew the butt of the tail close over the -log. - -"Ya! dat ish right. Now, you von tief sheep, I learns you better luck," -said Von Vlom Schlopsch, as he raised the axe. - -It descended; and, as it did so, Hiram, with characteristic presence of -mind, gave a sudden jerk, and brought Blitzen's neck over the log; and -the head rolled over the other side. - -"Wall, I swow!" said Hiram with apparent astonishment, as he dropped -the headless trunk of the dog: "that was a _leetle_ too close." - -"Mine cootness!" exclaimed the Dutchman, "_you shust cut 'im off de -wrong end_!" - - - - -SETTING A HEN. - - - -I see dot most efferpody wrides someding for de shicken bapers nowtays, -und I tought praps meppe I can do dot too, so I wride all apout vat -dook blace mit me lasht summer. You know--oder uf you dond know, den I -dells you--dot Katrina (dot is mein vrow) und me, ve keep some shickens -for a long dime ago, und von tay she sait to me: "Sockery (dot is mein -name) vy dond you put some of de aigs under dot old plue hen shickens? -I dinks she vants to sate." "Vell," I sait, "meppe I guess I vill." So -I picked out some uf de pest aigs und dook um oud to de parn fare de -olt hen make her nesht in de side uf de hay-mow, poud five or six veet -up. Now you see I nefer vas ferry pig up und town, but I vas booty pig -all de vay around in de mittle, so I koodn't reach up dill I vent und -got a parrel do stant on. Vell, I klimet me on de parrel, und ven my -hed risht up by de nesht, dot old hen she gif me such a bick dot my -nose runs all ofer my face mit plood, und ven I todge pack dot plasted -old parrel he preak, und I vent town kershlam; py cholly, I didn't -tink I kood go inside a parrel pefore; but dere I vos, und I fit so -dite I koodn't get me oud efferway; my fest vas bushed vay up under my -arm-holes. - -Ven I fount I vas dite shtuck, I holler, "Katrina! Katrina!" und ven -she koom und see me shtuck in de parrel up to my arm-holes, mit my face -all plood und aigs, by cholly, she shust lait town on de hay und laft -und laft, till I got so mat I said, "Vot you lay dere und laf like a -olt vool, eh? Vy dond you koom bull me oud?" Und she sat up und said, -"Oh, vipe off your chin, und bull your fest town;" den she lait back -und laft like she voot split herself more as effer. Mat as I vas, I -tought to myself, Katrina, she shbeak English booty goot, but I only -sait, mit my greatest dignitude, "Katrina, vill you bull me oud dis -parrel?" und she see dot I look booty red, so she sait, "Of course I -vill, Sockery;" den she laidt me und de parrel town on our side, und I -dook holt de door-sill, und Katrina she bull on de parrel; but de first -bull she mate I yelled, "Donner und blitzen! sthop dat, by cholly, dere -is nails in de parrel!" You see de nails pent town ven I vent in, but -ven I koom oud dey schticks in me all de vay rount. - -Vell, to make a short shtory long, I told Katrina to go und dell -naper Hansman to pring a saw und saw me dis parrel off. Vell, he koom -und he like to shblit himself mit laf, too; but he roll me ofer, und -saw de parrel all de vay around off, und I git up mit haf a parrel -round my vaist; den Katrina she say, "Sockery, vait a little till I -get a battern of dot new ofer-skirt you haf on;" but I didn't sait -a vort. I shust got a knife oud und vittle de hoops off, und shling -dot confountet old parrel in dot voot-pile. Pimeby, ven I koom in de -house, Katrina she sait, so soft like, "Sockery, dond you goin to put -some aigs under dot olt plue hen?" Den I sait, in my deepest woice, -"Katrina, uf you uffer say dot to me again, I'll git a pill from -you--help me chiminy gracious!" und I dell you, she didn't say dot any -more! Vell, ven I shtep on a parrel now, I dond shtep on it; I git a -pox. - - - - -"WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THAT NOSE?" - - -Snyder kept a beer-saloon some years ago "over the Rhine." Snyder was -a ponderous Teuton of very irascible temper,--"sudden and quick in -quarrel,"--get mad in a minute. Nevertheless his saloon was a great -resort for the boys,--partly because of the excellence of his beer, and -partly because they liked to chafe "old Snyder" as they called him; -for, although his bark was terrific, experience had taught them that he -wouldn't bite. - -One day Snyder was missing; and it was explained by his "frau," -who "jerked" the beer that day, that he had "gone out fishing mit -der poys." The next day one of the boys, who was particularly fond -of "roasting" old Snyder, dropped in to get a glass of beer, and -discovered Snyder's nose, which was a big one at any time, swollen and -blistered by the sun, until it looked like a dead-ripe tomato. - -"Why, Snyder, what's the matter with your nose?" said the caller. - -"I peen out fishing mit der poys," replied Snyder, laying his finger -tenderly against his proboscis: "the sun it pes hot like ash der tifel, -unt I purns my nose. Nice nose, don't it?" And Snyder viewed it with -a look of comical sadness in the little mirror back of his bar. It -entered at once into the head of the mischievous fellow in front of -the bar to play a joke upon Snyder; so he went out and collected half -a dozen of his comrades, with whom he arranged that they should drop -in at the saloon one after another, and ask Snyder, "What's the matter -with that nose?" to see how long he would stand it. The man who put up -the job went in first with a companion, and, seating themselves at a -table called for beer. Snyder, brought it to them; and the new-comer -exclaimed as he saw him, "Snyder, what's the matter with your nose?" - -"I yust dell your frient here I peen out fishin' mit der poys, unt the -sun he purnt 'em--zwi lager--den cents--all right." - -Another boy rushes in. "Halloo, boys, you're ahead of me this time: -s'pose I'm in, though. Here, Snyder, bring me a glass of lager and -a pret"--(appears to catch a sudden glimpse of Snyder's nose, looks -wonderingly a moment, and then bursts out laughing)--"ha! ha! ha! Why, -Snyder,--ha!--ha!--what's the matter with that nose?" - -Snyder, of course, can't see any fun in having a burnt nose or having -it laughed at; and he says, in a tone sternly emphatic,-- - -"I've peen out fishing mit der poys, unt de sun it juse as hot like ash -dar tifel, unt I purnt my nose; dat ish all right." - -Another tormentor comes in, and insists on "setting 'em up" for the -whole house. "Snyder," says he, "fill up the boys' glasses, and -take a drink yourse----ho! ho! ho! ho! ha! ha! ha! Snyder, wha--ha! -ha!--what's the matter with that nose?" - -Snyder's brow darkens with wrath by this time, and his voice grows -deeper and sterner,-- - -"I peen out fishin' mit der poys on der Leedle Miami. De sun pese hot -like as--vel, I purn my pugle. Now, that is more vot I don't got to -say. Vot gind o' peseness? Dat ish all right; I purn my own nose, don't -it?" - -"Burn your nose,--burn all the hair off your head, for what I care; you -needn't get mad about it." - -It was evident that Snyder wouldn't stand more than one more tweak at -that nose; for he was tramping about behind his bar, and growling like -an exasperated old bear in his cage. Another one of his tormentors -walks in. Some one sings out to him, "Have a glass of beer, Billy?" - -"Don't care about any beer," says Billy, "but, Snyder, you may give -me one of your best ciga--Ha-a-a! ha! ha! ha! ho! ho! ho! he! he! he! -ah-h-h-ha! ha! ha! ha! Why--why--Snyder--who--who--ha-ha! ha! what's -the matter with that nose?" - -Snyder was absolutely fearful to behold by this time; his face was -purple with rage, all except his nose, which glowed like a ball of -fire. Leaning his ponderous figure far over the bar, and raising his -arm aloft to emphasize his words with it, he fairly roared,-- - -"I've been out fishin' mit ter poys. The sun it pese hot like ash never -vas. I purnt my nose. Now you no like dose nose, you yust take yose -nose unt wr-wr-wr-wring your mean American finger mit em! That's the -kind of man vot I am!" - -And Snyder was right. - - OUR FAT CONTRIBUTOR. - - - - -KEEPIN' THE DE'IL OOT. - - -He cam' to the door o' my heart the nicht Wat Birney kilt puir dog -Speed for worritin' his Sou'-Downs. - -An' the De'il was a bra knocker. "Dugald Moir," he ca'd, loud an' lang, -"opit the door!" - -"Nay," said I. "You maun stay oot." - -"But I ha'e summat to say." - -"I dinna care to listen." - -"It's a bit o' gude advice." - -"Keep it, then. You'll need it afore you dee." - -"But it's aboot Wat Birney. He murdered your auld dog Speed. You maun -ha'e revenge." - -"The colley was trespassin'." - -"Ay, but Wat kilt him i' cauld blood." - -"Weel, he had often warnt us baith to keep off o' his groun'." - -"But Wat Birney's bin a bad naybor for years." - -"An' sae ha'e I, for the matter o' that. We dinna speak." - -"Speed's death maun be revenged. Set Wat's fat straw-stack afire. It -wad mak' a gran' blaze." - -"Nay, nay!" I cried. "Gae lang noo. I willna be your partner i' ony -sich doin's!" - -At that, the De'il bided awee. But I cud hear him lashin' his tail just -outside my heart-door. It was bolted an' barred sae that he cudna walk -i'. "Dugald Moir," he ca'd again, "ha'e you buried puir Speed?" - -"Nay, Mister De'il. I canna pairt wi' him juist noo." - -"Wat's Sou'-Downs will nibble the sod aboon his grave. Better pop owre -ane or twa o' them. You ca' then feed your loss wi' a bit o' roast -mutton. It wad ainly be tooth for tooth." - -"I daurna, auld Timpter. The Maister's Book says: 'Return gude for -evil.' Wat's Sou'-Downs are nae mine to kill an' eat." - -"Hoot, mon! Was Speed his ain dog to shoot doon i' a minit?" - -"But he was worritin' the wee lambs o' the flock." - -Here the De'il knockit hard an' strong. "Dugald Moir, Wat ha'e a dog o' -his ain. Ca' him up, an' treat him to a bit o' poisoned meat. That wad -ainly be tit for tat." - -"Nay, again, Mister De'il. Wat's dog Bruce ance fished my bairn oot -o' the burn. He's a bra' beast, an' weel worth twa o' puir, meddlin' -Speed." - -"But that wad ainly mak' your revenge completer." - -"I willna tak' revenge. I'll do Wat sum gude turn i' place o' it. I -maun heap coals o' fire on his head." - -Then the De'il knockit ance mair. "Dugald Moir, I thocht you a mon o' -spirit! You'll be the butt o' the country-side. Get even wi' Wat Birney -while you ca'. It isna yet too late. He's cumin' up the glen. Speed's -killin' was an insult; wipe it oot wi' your fists." - -"But sister Bel luvs the lad. He'll be my ain brither sune. I wauna -lift a han' to my brither." - -"Whist! ha's nae mair your brither than I!" - -"Nay, an' thank God for that las'! Gang awa'. You canna enter the heart -o' Dugald Moir." - -There was a knock at the hoose door just then; an' Wat Birney hissel' -entered, wi' Bruce at his heels. Puir Speed lay deid between us. - -"W'at wad you ha'e?" I asked, stern-loike, for the De'il was batterin's -awa' at my heart's door. - -The lad held oot his han'. "I ha'e cam' to mak' peace. We maun be -friends." - -But I turned awa' i' anger. "We canna. Dinna ask it." - -Ay, but the De'il was knockit fas' an' loud then. But Wat Birney cud -not ken. - -"Bruce ha'e cam' to tak' Speed's place," he said. - -It was a bra' giftie, but I wadna heed. "I dinna want him," I cried. -"Bring Speed bac' to life--if you ca'." - -"I wish I cud, mon, for Bel's sake. We mauna quarrel." - -"Knockit him doon!" shouted the De'il, shrill as a bagpipe. - -I lifted my arm; but Wat was such a slender lad, I cudna strike. - -"Dinna you do it, Dugald. I canna forgi'e a blow," he said. "I kilt -puir Speed, but I'm baith ready an' willin' to gi'e you Bruce i' his -stead. It will ainly be a fair exchange. Here's the colley, an' my han' -on it. Cum, naybor, what say you?" - -"Say you willna ha'e his beast or his friendship," whispered the De'il, -peerin' i' through my heart's window. - -An' I said it. - -There were tears i' honest Wat's blu' een. "I'm sair fashed, Dugald. -I canna gae hame wi'oot your forgi'eness. It's w'at I cam' for, an' I -maun ha'e it. Dinna you min' the day I picht Jeanie oot o' the burn? -Ha'e you forgotten that, mon? Bruce an' I togither saved the lassie's -life." - -"Speed's murder ha'e crosst that oot," I cried. - -The De'il was for climbin' richt i' then, but I kept him bac' wi' my -next words. "Wat Birney, I may forgi'e you i' time, but it will ainly -be for Bel's sake. Gang awa'. The De'il is at wark. I'm nae my ainsel' -this nicht. Tak' puir Speed oot, an' bury him. I canna." - -The lad fell doon at my feet. "I maun ha'e your forgi'eness first, -Dugald Moir. Bel loves us baith, an' we maun love each ither. Say the -word noo; say, Wat, it's a' forgi'en an' forgotten." I thocht o' bonnie -sister Bel, an' said the words owre; but my heart wasna i' them. - -"You dinna mean it," said Wat sadly; "but I'll bury Speed a' the same." - -Then he went oot, draggin' the deid beast after him. I followed a' -unnoticed. Doon i' the glen he dug Speed's grave, an' laid the colley -i' it. When he had finished, he knelt aboon it, an' just prayed aloud. - -"Lord, forgi'e this day's hasty deed, an' help Dugald Moir to forgi'e -it too. He's sair angry wi' me, an' nae wi'oot cause. But thee kens dog -Speed weel earned my bullet. Ainly an hour sin he mangled two o' my -best Sou'-Downs. But Dugald's hate is worse than a'. I maun ha'e the -mon's love an' friendship." - -The De'il ga've a great boun' and left my heart's door as I rushed -roun' to Wat's side. - -"You shall ha'e baith frae this minit," I cried. An' then my arm stole -'boot the lad's neck, juist as I had seen Bel's do on mony a moonlit -nicht. He looked at me, bewildered. - -"I didna dream you wod hear. But it's juist God's ain gude answer. An' -noo you'll tak' Bruce i' Speed's place." - -"Yes," I said; for the De'il had vanished. - -Slowly we walked bac' to the hoose. Bel met us wi' a kiss for baith, -her black een beamin' wi' love and gladness. - -She wedded Wat sune after, an' for forty lang years he ha'e been a -bra', true brither. The De'il hasna visited me sin'. - - _Mrs. Findley Braden._ - - - - -THE PUZZLED CENSUS-TAKER. - - - "_Nein_" (pronounced _nine_) is the German for "_No_." - - "Got any boys?" the marshal said - To a lady from over the Rhine; - And the lady shook her flaxen head, - And civilly answered, "_Nein!_" - - "Got any girls?" the marshal said - To the lady from over the Rhine; - And again the lady shook her head, - And civilly answered, "_Nein!_" - - "But some are dead?" the marshal said - To the lady from over the Rhine; - And again the lady shook her head, - And civilly answered, "_Nein!_" - - "Husband, of course," the marshal said - To the lady from over the Rhine; - And again she shook her flaxen head, - And civilly answered, "_Nein!_" - - "The devil you have!" the marshal said - To the lady from over the Rhine; - And again she shook her flaxen head, - And civilly answered "_Nein!_" - - "Now, what do you mean by shaking your head, - And always answering 'Nine?'" - "_Ich kann nicht Englisch!_" civilly said - The lady from over the Rhine. - - JOHN G. SAXE. - - - - -DUTCH SECURITY. - - -Said Jake Metzenmaker to his sweetheart: - -"Loweeza, you vas a poody gal!" - -To which that bright-eyed young German damsel replied, "Shake, dot vas -nice; say it again." - -"Py golly!" Jake exclaimed; "you vas more peautiful ash a budder-cup, -and I hope you vill marry me right away." - -Then that sensible young woman responded: - -"Shake, I like dot marriage idea poody vell. I pelieve me it vas a -sensible peezness. Und I like you, Shake, more ash a gooble dimes. But -I vants seguridy." - -"Vants seguridy! I undershtand no such dhings," said Jake in amazement. - -"Nein? Right avay I dole you. Ouf you read dose babers, you find out it -vas a great peezness by married fellers to run aroundt the saloon, und -don't like to vork, und oufter the vife say some dhings she got a plack -eye, and then she vas goome by the bolice court for some seguridy for -make him do petter." - -"Put you don't vas pelieve I do such a dhings, Loweeza? I schwear dot, -my lofe--" - -"Schwear vas a leedle fence not more ash a gooble feed high, und you -shump over him ash easy ash you like. I pelieve you vas righdt now, -Shake. Put there vas a great risk, und I vant some seguridy for dose -dime vhen you vill be poss." - -"Und you von'd marry me vidout dot seguridy?" - -"I pelieve me, Shake, it vas petter ve got him now, ask py-und-py ouf -dot bolice court--ain'd id?" - -"Vell, vat seguridy you vant?" - -"I dink, anyvay, a tousand tollar pond vould be apout right." - -"A tousand tollars! I don't ouver I find some man vhat like to schain -hisself by such a gueldt." - -"If you don'd could find a friend mit dot much gonfidence py you, -Shake, vhat sort of a shance you dink I dake?" - - - - -THE FRENCHMAN AND THE RATS. - - - A Frenchman once, who was a merry wight, - Passing to town from Dover, in the night, - Near the roadside an alehouse chanced to spy, - And being rather tired, as well as dry, - Resolved to enter; but first he took a peep, - In hopes a supper he might get, and cheap. - He enters. "Hallo, garçon, if you please, - Bring me a leetel bit of bread and cheese, - And hallo, garçon, a pot of porter, too!" he said, - "Vich I shall take, and den myself to bed." - - His supper done, some scraps of cheese were left, - Which our poor Frenchman, thinking it no theft, - Into his pocket put; then slowly crept - To wished-for bed. But not a wink he slept; - For on the floor some sacks of flour were laid, - To which the rats a nightly visit paid. - Our hero now undressed, popped out the light, - Put on his cap, and bade the world good-night; - But first his breeches, which contained the fare, - Under his pillow he had placed with care. - - _Sans ceremonie_, soon the rats all ran, - And on the flour-sacks greedily began, - At which they gorged themselves; then, smelling round, - Under the pillow soon the cheese they found; - And, while at this they all regaling sat, - Their happy jaws disturbed the Frenchman's nap; - Who, half-awake, cries out, "Hallo, hallo! - Vat is dat nibble at my pillow so? - Ah, 'tis one big--one very big, huge rat! - Vat is it that he nibble, nibble at?" - - In vain our little hero sought repose; - Sometimes the vermin galloped o'er his nose. - And such the pranks they kept up all the night - That he, on end,--antipodes upright,-- - Bawling aloud, called stoutly for a light. - "Hallo, maison, garçon, I say! - Bring me the bill for what I have to pay." - The bill was brought; and, to his great surprise, - Ten shillings was the charge. He scarce believed his eyes. - With eager haste, he quickly runs it o'er, - And every time he viewed it thought it more. - - "Vy, zounds and zounds!" he cries, "I sall no pay; - Vat! charge ten shelangs for what I have _mangé_? - A leetel sop of portar, dis vile bed, - Vare all de rats do run about my head?" - "Plague on those rats!" the landlord muttered out; - "I wish, upon my word, that I could make 'em scout: - I'll pay him well that can."--"Vat's dat you say?" - "I'll pay him well that can."--"Attend to me, I pray: - Vill you dis charge forego, vat I am at, - If from your house I drive away de rat?" - "With all my heart," the jolly host replies. - "_Ecoutez donc, ami_," the Frenchman cries. - "_First den,--regardez_, if you please,-- - Bring to dis spot a leetel bread and cheese: - _Eh bien!_ a pot of porter too; - And den invite de rats to sup vid you; - And after dat,--no matter dey be villing,-- - For vat dey eat, you _charge_ dem just _ten shelang_: - And I am sure, ven dey behold de score, - Dey'll quit your house, and _never come no more_." - - - - -HEINZ VON STEIN. - - - Out rode from his wild, dark castle - The terrible Heinz von Stein; - He came to the door of a tavern, - And gazed on the swinging sign. - - He sat himself down at a table, - And growled for a bottle of wine; - Up came, with a flask and a corkscrew, - A maiden of beauty divine. - - Then, seized with a deep love longing, - He uttered, "O damosel mine, - Suppose you just give a few kisses - To the valorous Ritter von Stein!" - - But she answered, "The kissing business - Is entirely out of my line; - And I certainly will not begin it - On a countenance ugly as thine." - - Oh, then the bold knight was angry, - And cursed both coarse and fine; - And asked, "How much is the swindle - For your sour and nasty wine?" - - And fiercely he rode to the castle, - And set himself down to dine. - And this is the dreadful legend - Of the terrible Heinz von Stein. - - _Charles G. Leland, from the German._ - - - - -THE SOLEMN BOOK-AGENT. - - -He was tall, solemn, and dignified. One would have thought him a -Roman senator on his way to make a speech on finance. But he wasn't, -singularly enough, he wasn't. He was a book-agent. He wore a linen -duster; and his brow was furrowed with many care-lines, as if he had -been obliged to tumble out of bed every other night of his life to dose -a sick child. He called into a tailor-shop on Randolph Street, removed -his hat, took his "Lives of Eminent Philosophers" from its cambric bag, -and approached the tailor with,-- - -"I'd like to have you look at this rare work." - -"I haf no time," replied the tailor. - -"It is a work which every thinking man should delight to peruse," -continued the agent. - -"Zo?" said the tailor. - -"Yes. It is a work on which a great deal of deep thought has been -expended; and it is pronounced by such men as Wendell Phillips to be a -work without a rival in modern literature." - -"Makes anybody laugh when he zees it?" asked the tailor. - -"No, my friend: this is a deep, profound work, as I have already said. -It deals with such characters as Theocritus, Socrates, and Plato, and -Ralph Waldo Emerson. If you desire a work on which the most eminent -author of our day has spent years of study and research, you can find -nothing to compare with this." - -"Does it shpeak about how to glean cloze?" anxiously asked the man of -the goose. - -"My friend, this is no receipt-book, but an eminent work on philosophy, -as I have told you. Years were consumed in preparing this volume for -the press; and none but the clearest mind could have grasped the -subjects herein discussed. If you desire food for deep meditation, you -have it here." - -"Does dis pook say sumding about der Prussian war?" asked the tailor as -he threaded his needle. - -"My friend, this is not an every-day book, but a work on philosophy,--a -work which will soon be in the hands of every profound thinker in the -country. What is the art of philosophy? This book tells you. Who were, -and who are, our philosophers? Turn to these pages for a reply. As I -said before, I don't see how you can do without it." - -"And he don't haf any dings about some fun, eh?" inquired the tailor, -as the book was held to him. - -"My friend, must I again inform you that this is not an ephemeral -work, not a collection of nauseous trash, but a rare, deep work on -philosophy? Here, see the name of the author. That name alone should -be proof enough to your mind, that the work cannot be surpassed for -profundity of thought. Why, sir, Gerritt Smith testifies to the -greatness of this volume!" - -"I not knows Mr. Schmidt: I make no cloze mit him," returned the tailor -in a doubting voice. - -"Then you will let me leave your place without having secured your name -to this volume? I cannot believe it. Behold, what research! Turn these -leaves, and see these gems of richest thought! Ah! if we only had such -minds, and could wield such a pen! But we can read, and, in a measure, -we can be like him. Every family should have this noble work. Let me -put your name down: the book is only twelve dollars." - -"Zwelve dollars for der pook! Zwelve dollars, und he has noddings about -der war, und no fun in him, or say noddings how to get glean cloze! -What you take me for, mister? Go right away mit dat pook, or I call der -bolice, and haf you locked up pooty quick!" - - DETROIT FREE PRESS - - - - -THE MOTHER-IN-LAW. - - - Dhere vas many qveer dings in dis land of der free - I neffer could qvite understand; - Der beoples dhey all seem so deefrent to me - As dhose in mine own faderland. - Dhey gets blenty droubles, und indo mishaps - Mitout der least bit off a cause; - Und, vould you pelief it? dhose mean Yankee chaps, - Dhey fights mit dheir moder-in-laws! - - Shust dink off a vite man so vicked as dot! - Vhy not gife der oldt lady a show? - Who vas it gets oup, ven der night id vas hot, - Mit mine baby, I shust like to know? - Und den in der vinter vhen Katrine vas sick, - Und der mornings vas shnowy and raw, - Who made righdt avay oup dot fire so qvick? - Vhy, dot vas mine moder-in-law. - - Id vos von off dhose woman's righdts vellers I been, - Dhere vas noding dot's mean aboudt me; - Ven der oldt lady vishes to run dot masheen, - Vhy, I shust let her run id, you see. - Und vhen dot sly Yawcob vas cutting some dricks - (A block off der oldt chip he vas, yaw!), - Eef she goes for dot chap like some dousand of bricks, - Dot's all righdt! She's mine moder-in-law. - - Veek oudt und veek in, it vas alvays der same, - Dot voman vas boss off der house; - Budt, dhen, neffer mindt! I vos glad dot she came, - She vas kind to mine young Yawcob Strauss. - And vhen dhere vas vater to get vrom der spring, - Und firevood to shplit oup und saw, - She vas velcome to do it. Dhere's not anyding - Dot's too good for mine moder-in-law. - - _Charles Follen Adams._ - - - - -SCHNEIDER'S TOMATOES. - - -Schneider is very fond of tomatoes. Schneider has a friend in -the country who raises "garden sass, and sich." Schneider had an -invitation to visit this friend last week, and regale himself on his -favorite vegetable. His friend Pfeiffer being busy negotiating with -a city produce-dealer, on his arrival, Schneider thought he would -take a stroll in the garden, and see some of his favorites in their -pristine beauty. We will let him tell the rest of his story in his own -language,-- - -"Vell, I valks shust a liddle vhile roundt, vhen I sees some of dose -dermarters, vot vas so red und nice as I nefer dit see any more, und -I dinks I vill put mineself oudside about a gouple-a-tozen, shust to -geef me a liddle abbedite vor dinner. So I bulls off von ov der reddest -und pest lookin' ov dose dermarters, und dakes a pooty good pite out -ov dot, und vas chewing it oup pooty qvick, vhen--py shiminy!--I dort -I hat a peese of red-hot goals in mine mout, or vas chewing oup dwo or -dree bapers of needles; und I velt so pad, alreaty, dot mine eyes vas -vool of tears; und I mate vor an 'olt oken pucket,' vot I seen hangin' -in der vell, as I vas goomin' along. - -"Shust den mine vriend Pfeiffer game oup, und ask me vot mate me -veel so pad, und if any of mine vamily vas dead. I dold him dot I -vas der only von ov der vamily dot vas pooty sick; und den I ask him -vot kind of dermarters dose vas vot I hat shust peen bicking; und, -mine cracious! how dot landsman laughft, und said dot dose vas _red -beppers_, dot he vas raising vor bepper-sauce. You pet my life, I vas -mat. I radder you geef me feefty tollars as to eat some more ov dose -bepper-sauce dermarters." - - CHARLES F. ADAMS. - - - - -DUTCH HUMOR. - - -A German in a Western town, who has not paid much attention to learning -English, had a horse stolen from his barn the other night, whereupon he -advertised as follows:-- - -"Von nite, de oder day, ven I was bin awake in my shleep, I heare -sometings vat I tinks vas not yust right in my barn, an I out shumps to -bed, and runs mit the barn out; and ven I was dere coom, I seez dat my -pig gray-iron mare he vas bin tide loose, and run mit the staple off. -And who efer will him back pring, I yust so much pay him as vas bin -kushtomary." - - * * * * * - -An old Dutchman froze his nose. While thawing the frost out, he said: -"I haf carry dot nose fordy year, unt he nefer freeze hisself before. I -no understand dis ting." - - - - -SQUIRE HOUSTON'S MARRIAGE CEREMONY. - - - You bromish now, you goot man dare, - Vot sthands ubon de vloor, - To hab dish vooman for your vife, - Und lub her ebbermore; - To feed her vell mit sourkraut, - Peens, putthermilks und scheese, - Und in all dings to lend your aid, - Dat vill bromote her ease? - - "Yesh;" und you vooman sthandin dare, - Do bledge your vord dish tay, - Dat you vill took for your hoospand, - Dis man--und him obey; - Dat you vill ped und poard mit him, - Vosh, iron und mend his cloothes, - Laf ven he shmiles, veep ven he moorns, - Und chare his shoys und voes? - - Vell, den, I now, viddin dese valls, - Mit shoy, und not mit kreef, - Bronounch you bote to pe one mind, - Von name, von man, von beef; - I pooblish here dese holy pands, - Dese matthermoonial ties, - Pefore Got, mine frow, Hans und Poll, - Und all dese gazin eyes. - - Und, as de shacred Schripture says, - Vot God unites togedder - Let no man dare ashunder put, - Let no man dare dem sever. - Dare! britekroom, now schoost you sthop, - I'll hold tight fasht your collar, - Unteel you anshwer me dish ting, - Und dat's--_vare ish mine tollar_? - - - - -DOT DELEPHONE. - - -"I guess I haf to gif up my delephone already," said an old citizen -yesterday, as he entered the office of the company with a very long -face. - -"Why, what's the matter now?" - -"Oh, everyting! I got de delephone in mine house so as I could -shpeak mit der poys in der saloon down town, and mit my relations in -Springville; but I haf to give it up. I nefer haf so much droubles." - -"How?" - -"Vell, my poy Shon, in der saloon, he rings der pell, and calls opp, -und says an old frient of mine vants to see how she vorks. Dot ish all -right. I says, 'Hello!' und he say, 'Shtand back a leetle closer.' I -shtand back closer, und helloes again. Den he says, 'Shtand a leetle -off.' I shtand back a leetle off, und yells unce more; und he say, -'Shpeak louder!' I yells louder. It goes dat vhay ten minutes; und den -he says, 'Go to Texas, you old Dutchman!' You see?" - -"Yes." - -"And den mine brudder in Springville, he rings der pells und calls me -oop, und says how I vas dis efenings. I says I vhas feeling like some -colts; und he says, 'Who vants to puy some goats?' I says, 'Colts! -colts! colts!' Und he answers, 'Oh, coats! I thought you said goats.' -Ven I goes to ask him of he feels petter, I hears a voice crying oudt, -'Vot Dutchmans is dot on dis line, enyhow?' Den somepody answers, 'I -don't know, but I likes to punch his headt.' You see?" - -"Yes." - -"Vhell, somedimes my vife vhants to shpeak mit me ven I am down in der -saloon. She rings mine pell, und I says, 'Hello!' Nopody shpeaks to -me. She rings again, und I says, 'Hello!' like dunder. Den der central -office tells me to go aheads, und den tells me holdt on, und den tells -mine vife dot I am gone avay. I yells oudt, 'Dot is not so;' und -somepody says, 'How can I talk if dot old Dutchmans doan' keep shtill?' -You see?" - -"Yes." - -"Und ven I go in de bedt at night, somepody rings der pell like der -house vas on fire; und ven I shumps oudt, und says, 'Hello!' I hear -somepody saying, 'Kaiser, doan't you vhant to puy a dog?' I vants no -dog; und ven I tells 'em so, I hear some peoples laughing, 'Haw! haw! -haw!' You see?" - -"Yes." - -"Vell, you dake it oudt, dat ish all vhat it ish; und ven somepody -likes to shpeak mit me dey shall coom right avay by mine saloon. Oof -mine brudder ish sick, he shall got petter. Und oof somepody vhants to -puy a dog, apout two glock de morning, let him yust coom vere I can -tole him somedings, dat ish all." - - - - -THE UNITED ORDER OF HALF-SHELLS. - - -"My vhife all der time says to me, 'Carl Dunder, if you vhas to be kilt -by a butcher-cart or ice-wagon, or if some shteamboat plow you oop on -de river, I left mit no money. Vhy doan' you pe insured mit your life?' - -"Vhell, I tinks about dot a good deal. It vhas my duty dot my vhife und -Katie doan' go mit der poorhouse if I can help it, und I tink it vhas -pest to get some insurance. I shpeak to my frendt, Shon Plazes, vhas -about it, und Shon he says,-- - -"'Of course you vhant insurance. You come into my lodge of der United -Order of Half-shells. Dot vhas an order which only cost one dollar a -year, und if you die your family puts on shtyle mit der ten thousand -dollar in greenpacks. I calls a meeting right avhay mit your saloon, -und we put you through like some streaks of greased lightning.' - -"Vhell, I goes home and tells der old vhomans, und she says dot -vhas O. K. She doan's like to see me die; but if some shmall-pox or -yellow-fever comes to Detroit, und takes me avay, she likes to haf a -long funeral procession, und build me a grave-stone vhich reads dot -Carl Dunder vhas a goot husband, a kind fadder, und dot he vhas gone -to heaven only a leedle vhile before he vhas ready. I shpeak to my -daughter Katie, und she sheds some tears und dells me dot she looks as -cute as an angel in some mourning gloze for me. So it vhas all right, -und I sweep out my saloon, und about twenty men come in dot eafnings to -make me a Half-shell. - -"Oxcuse me if I vhas madt, und use some words like a pirate. My frendt, -Shon Plazes, vas dhere mit a red cap on his head, und a voice so solemn -dot I feels chills go up my pack. He calls de meeting to order, and -says I like to shoine and become a Half-shell. - -"'Does he like peer?' asks some mans in the gorner. - -"'He does,' said Shon Plazes. - -"'Und so do we!' yells all der meeting, and Shon says I was to come -down mit der peer. Dot was nineteen glasses. - -"Den Shon Plazes, he reads from a pook mit a plue cover dot man vhas -dying efery day so fast dot you can't count 'em, or somedins like dot, -und he calls oudt,-- - -"'Vhat shall safe dis man?' - -"Und eaferpody yells, 'Lager peer!' Dot means, I set him oop again, und -dot vhas nineteen glasses more. Den two men take me und vhalk me all -aroundt, und Shon Plazes he cries oudt,-- - -"'Ve vhas here to-day und gone to-morrow! In der midnight, when -eaferpody vhas ashleep, a tief comes und shteals our life away! Vhat -keeps dot tief afar off?' - -"Und eaferpody groans oudt like he vhas dying, 'Cool lager!' Dot means -I was to set 'em oop again, und dot vhas nineteen glasses more. Den -Shon Plazes he leads me twice around und says,-- - -"'Carl Dunder, you tinks you vhas made a Half-shell already, but you -vhas mistaken. Put out your left handt. Dot vhas goot. Now, my frendt, -vhat vas der foundation stone of liberty, equality, und brotection?' - -"Und eaferpody lifs oop his voice und groans out, 'All der lager a -man vhants!' Dot means, I vhas to tap a fresh keg; und I believe dot -growd drinks more as forty glasses. I doan' like it so previous like. -I didn't, but my frendt Shon Plazes tells me to lie down on der table -on my pack, und shut my eyes. Vhen I vhas in bosition he hit me three -dimes mit his fist in der stomach, und cries oudt,-- - -"'Vhen he vhas alife he vhas kind mit der boor; vhen he vhas death, we -forgot his faults. Brudders, vhat vhas der great brinciple dot leads to -charity und penevolence?' - -"Und eaferpody shumps to his feet und yells out, 'Some more lager and -cigars!' Vhell, I set 'em oop once more, und den I vhas so madt dot I -take my glub und clean dot crowd oudt mit der street. I belief he vas -a fraud on me. I belief Shon Plazes tells all der poys, und it vhas a -put-up shob. I lose my peer and cigars, und somebody carries off more -as ten bottles of vhiskey from my par, und I vhas no more a Half-shell -as yoo are. If dot vhas some vhey to insure me so dat my vhife und -Katie haf some mourning goods, und puy me a grave-stone mit a lamp on -top, I go out of pollytics right avay. Oxcuse me dot I shed some tears, -und kick oafer der shairs und tables, for I vhas madt like some cats on -a gloze-line." - - - - -WHY NO SCOTCHMEN GO TO HEAVEN. - - -Long years ago, in time so remote that history does not fix the epoch, -a dreadful war was waged by the king of Scotland. Scottish valor -prevailed; and the king of Scotland, elated by success, sent for his -prime minister. - -"Weel, Sandy," said he, "is there ne'er a king we canna conquer noo?" - -"An it please your majesty, I ken o' a king that your majesty canna -vanquish." - -"An' who is he, Sandy?" - -The prime minister, reverently looking up, said, "The King o' heaven." - -"The king of whaur, Sandy?" - -"The King o' heaven." - -The Scottish king did not understand, but was unwilling to exhibit any -ignorance. - -"Just gang your ways, Sandy, and tell King o' heaven to gi'e up his -dominions, or I'll come mysel' and ding him oot o' them; and mind you, -Sandy, you dinna come back to us until ye ha'e dune oor biddin'." - -The prime minister retired much perplexed, but met a priest, and, -re-assured, returned and presented himself. - -"Weel, Sandy," said the king, "ha'e ye seen the King o' heaven? and -what says he to our biddin'?" - -"An it please your majesty, I ha'e seen one o' his accredited -ministers." - -"Weel, and what says he?" - -"He says your majesty may e'en ha'e his kingdom for the axin' o' it." - -"Was he sae civil?" asked the king, warming to magnanimity. "Just -gang your ways back, Sandy, an' tell the King o' heaven that for his -civility the de'il a Scotchman shall set foot in his kingdom." - - - - -YAWCOB STRAUSS. - - - I haf von funny leedle poy, - Vot gomes schust to mine knee; - Der queerest schap, der createst rogue, - As efer you dit see. - He runs, und schumps, und schmashes dings - In all barts off der house; - But vot off dot? he was mine son, - Mine leedle Yawcob Strauss. - - He get der measles und der mumbs, - Und eferyding dot's oudt; - He sbills mine glass of lager bier, - Poots schnuff indo mine kraut. - He fills mine pipe mit limburg cheese: - Dot vas der roughest chouse; - I'd dake dot vrom no oder poy - But leedle Yawcob Strauss. - - He dakes der milk-ban for a dhrum, - Und cuts mine cane in dwo; - To make der schtiks to beat it mit,-- - Mine cracious, dot vas drue! - I dinks mine hed vas schplit abart, - He kicks oup sooch a touse: - But nefer mind; der poys vas few - Like dot young Yawcob Strauss. - - He asks me questions sooch as dese: - Who baints mine nose so red? - Who vas it cuts dot schmoodth blace oudt - Vrom der hair ubon mine hed? - Und vhere der plaze goes vrom der lamp - Vene'er der glim I douse. - How gan I all dose dings eggsblain - To dot schmall Yawcob Strauss? - - I somedimes dink I schall go vild - Mit sooch a grazy poy, - Und vish vonce more I gould haf rest, - Und beaceful dimes enshoy; - But ven he vas ashleep in ped, - So guiet as a mouse, - I prays der Lord, "dake anyding, - But leaf dot Yawcob Strauss." - - C. F. ADAMS. - - - - -LEEDLE YAWCOB STRAUSS--WHAT HE SAYS. - - - Maype somedimes you don't half szeen - Mine fahder told vhen he vas peen - Szo vild almost as never vas - Mit me; hees Leedle Yawcob Strauss, - Und all apout thdose tings because - Vit me he wasn't haf szome ease, - Nor schmoke hees bipe, nor schleep in peese - Nor eats szome schmall limburger scheese; - Nor dakes hees peer nor saurkraout, - Yen Leedle Yawcob was apout. - - Vell now! I shbiel hees lager peer? - Mine gootness! dot ish very queer; - Don't I haf seen him mit his handt, - Tdake vup some glass of lager, andt - Schoost ash he schmell him mit hees eye, - Shbiel him all in hees schtoomach? vy, - He shbiel more lager peer don I, - Andt thden he laff, und dance, und szing, - More like some poys don anythding. - - I took der meezles; vell I shbose - Dot thdere vas blenty left of thdose; - I poots der schnuff inder hees kraout, - So it make him don't scheeze so loudt, - I haf der mumps; vot if I is? - Mine vace don't got szer far abart - Nor pe szo pig nor redt as his. - - Und thden apout those limburg scheese; - Vell thdere I dhink dot I agrees - Mit him, dot it vos szomevat rouff, - But thden he szay vonce, dat enough - Vas schoost so petter nor a veest, - Und szo I think he kouldn't got - Enough, so scheap und quivck ash vot - He haf mit hees bipe full off dot. - - Thdose milk-ban dot I learn to blay, - I get dot drouble in thdis way: - Poot pottom up across my knee, - Schoost ash I szeen him do to me, - I tumps upon him mit ter stdick, - Und make der music pooty qvick; - Vy ish it dot hees hed't vas shblit - Vith sooch a leedle noise, ven it - Don't preak oup mit der noise dot he - Make, ven he tump dot stdick on me? - - Put ven I ask apout szome thdings, - Vot make hees nose szo redt, and prings - Der schoomth shbot oudt mitin his hedt; - I shbose dot I shall know apout - All of thdose thdings--ven I findt out, - Und szo I vait avhile, and szee - Vot der next drouble ish to pe, - Und if der meeschiefs thdake this blace, - I brays like vot dot fahder says - Tdake everyding dots in thdis house, - Put leave thdis leedle Yawcob Strauss. - - ARTHUR DAKIN. - - - - -ISAAC ROSENTHAL ON THE CHINESE QUESTION. - - -Mr. Rosenthal, who was proprietor of a clothing store in Avenue A, had -been mentioned to me as an unusually intelligent German Hebrew, and I -met him at the door of his store looking out for customers. As I paused -for a moment, he addressed me thus:-- - -"Gome righd in, mein liebe Herr! Don'd mind dot leedle tog. He vill -not pide you. I geeb him to trive avay de bad leedle poy in de -sthreed. You like to puy zome very coot glothing? I can zell you dot -goat--for--Nein! _Teufel!_ Id is not dot? So! And you vand to speak to -me aboud de Shinamen? Vell, I dell you dot you gome yust to de righd -blace. You bedder don'd go no furder. You yust gome in de back shtore. -You take ein glas bier? you smoke ein gut zigar?--no, not dot--I call -him real Havana, bud I make him up-shtairs. I gif you a bedder one as -dot. So! I lighd him for you. Now I shpeag mit you aboud dem Shinamen, -und you put vat I say in de baber, pecause de bublic ought to know -vat bad beoples dey ish. I keeb last year ein kleine shop mit mein -bruder--hish name is Zolomon--and ve haf yust as coot glothes as dem -dot you zee dere; and von day dere gome in ein, zwei, drei Shinamen, -and zay to me, 'How do, John?' and I dell him dot my name ish not John; -but he only laugh. Den he zay, 'You got some coot glothes, John? S'pose -hab got, mi likee see.' I haf such vay of shpeaking nefer heard, but I -can a leedle undershtand, and I t'ink dot he vill not know a coot goad -ven he zee id, and I show him some dot ish not of the brime qualidy, -and vill not last so long as dot kind as I show you, and I sharge him a -coot brice; and he look at him, and dry him on, and I dell him dot id -vill him very vell fit. Und den dish great rasgal he say to me dot he -has not much money got, but some leedle box of very coot tea, und he -make a pargain and shwop mit me. Und I t'ink dot I make mit him a coot -drade, und I give him de goat, and dake de dea; and he say, 'Chin chin, -John,' and go out, and I don'd never see him no more. Und vat you tink? -ven I open dot dea, I find him one inch coot, and below dot, noding but -yust rubbish, and some schmall bieces of iron to make him heavy. Und -so, mein liebe Herr, you can de reason undershtand dot I like not to -have dot Shinese beobles gome to New York." - - SCRIBNER'S MONTHLY. - - - - -"DER DOG UND DER LOBSTER." - - -(_From the New York Clipper._) - - Dot dog he vos dot kind of dog - Vot ketch dot ret so sly, - Und squeeze him mit his leetle teeth, - Und den dot ret vos die. - - Dot dog he vas onquisitive - Vareffer he vas go, - Und, like dot vooman, all der time - Someding he vants to know. - - Vone day, all by dot market-stand - Vare fish und clams dey sell, - Dot dog vas poke his nose aboud - Und find out vat he smell. - - Dot lobster he vas took dot snooze - Mit von eye open vide, - Und ven dot dog vas come along - Dot lobster he vas spied. - - Dot dog he smell him mit his nose, - Und scratch him mit his paws, - Und push dot lobster all aboud, - Und vonder vot he vas. - - Und den dot lobster he voke up, - Und crawl yoost like dot snail, - Und make vide open ov his claws, - Und grab dot doggie's tail. - - Und den so quick as never vas - Dot cry vent to der sky, - Und, like dem swallows vot dey sing, - Dot dog vas homeward fly. - - Yoost like dot dunderbolt he vent-- - Der sight vas awful grand. - Und every street dot dog vas turn, - Down vent dot apple-stand. - - Der shildren cry, der vimmin scream, - Der mens fall on der ground; - Und dot boliceman mit his club - Vas novare to pe found. - - I make dot run und call dot dog, - Und vistle awful kind; - Dot makes no difference vot I say, - Dot dog don't look pehind. - - Und pooty soon dot race vas end, - Dot dog vas lost his tail-- - Dot lobster I vas took him home, - Und cook him in dot pail. - - Dot moral vas, I tole you 'boud, - Pefore vas neffer known-- - Don't vant to find out too much dings - Dot vasn't ov your own! - - SAUL SERTREW. - - - - -"DER WRECK OF DER HEZBERUS." - - - (_Before Longfellow._) - - It vas der goot shkiff Hezberus, - Dot paddled cross der pond; - Und dare vas dare der skibber's gal, - Of whom he vas so fond. - - Green vos her eyes as summer peas, - Her cheeks I can't define, - Her boozum brown like pretzel cakes, - Her voice a vereful whine. - - Mit pibe in mouth der skibber sat, - Wrabbed in an old pea koad, - Und vatched his daughter koff and shneeze - Ven schmoke got down hur throad. - - Den up und spoke der paddle man, - "Look 'ere, let's turn ride back, - A schwan lives 'ere, der peebles say, - Vat likes to peck und hack. - - So let's turn back, mein master dear, - Und from this voyage refrain," - Der skibber blew schmoke oud his pibe, - Und schmiled mit grim dishdain. - - Den near und near der shkiff did got - To vare dot schwan hung out; - Until at last, mit telesgope, - Dey shpied his head und snowt. - - Vel, down it schwam und schmote der shkiff - Mit all its might und main, - Und made it shump dree times its length, - Und den shump back again. - - "Come 'ere, come 'ere! mein leedle gal, - Und do not dremble so, - For I can lick der biggest schwan - Dot you to me can show." - - He wrabbed her in his old pea koad,-- - His joy, his life, his soul; - Und mit a piece of paper twine - He lashed her to a pole. - - "Oh, dad, I hear der dinner bell! - I feel shust like grub-struck." - "Vel, hold yer tongue now, Mary Ann, - Und dry to bear your luck." - - "Oh, dad, I see dot schwan again! - He'll eat both you und me;" - But dad he answered not a vord, - For stiff und frized vas he. - - Den der goot girl she glasped her hands, - Und through her frost-bit nose - She said, "Now I avake to sleep," - Dot she might not be froze. - - Und dare, through rain and hurrycane, - Und through der schleet und schnow, - Der maiden prayed und begged der schwan - To pick up stakes und go. - - But no; he schwam up to der wreck, - Und den der fun began; - He knocked der fellers off der deck, - But left shweed Mary Ann. - - He picked und pecked der Hezberus, - Und lashed de pond to foam, - Und made de poor, wee, leedle shkiff - Look shust like honeycomb. - - Den by der board der long bean-pole - Und Mary Ann did go; - Und shust like lead der shkiff went down. - Der schwan he roared, Ho! ho! - - * * * * * - - At break of day, beside der pond, - Poor Mary Ann vas found; - Her form vas cold un frozen stiff, - Und to a bean-pole bound. - - - - -SIGNS AND OMENS. - - -"Hans, what do you think of signs and omens?" - -"Vell, I don't dinks mooch of dem dings, und I don't pelieve -averydings; but I dells you somedimes dere is someding in sooch dings -ash dose dings. Now, de oder night I sits und reads mine newspaper, und -mine frau she shpeak und say,-- - -"'Fritz, de dog ish howlin'.' - -"Vell, I don't dinks mooch of dem dings, und I goes on und reads mine -paper, und mine frau she say,-- - -"'Fritz, dere is somedings pad is happen--de dog ish howlin'.' - -"And den I gets oop mit mineself, and looks out troo de vines on de -porch; und de moon vas shinin', und mine leedle dog he shoomp right -up und down like averydings, and he park at the moon dat was shine so -prite ash never vas. Und as I hauled mine het in de winter de old voman -she say,-- - -"'Mind, Fritz, I dells you dere ish somedings pad ish happen. _De dog -ish howlin._' - -"Vell, I goes to pet, und I shleeps: und all night long, ven I vakes -up, dere vas dat dog howl outside; und ven I dream, I hear dat -howlin' vorser ash nefer. Und in de mornin' I kits oop und kits mine -_freestick_ (breakfast),--und mine frau she look at me, und say fery -solemn; - -"'Fritz, dere ish somedings ish happen. De dog vas howl all night.' - -"Und shoost den de newspaper comes in, and I opens him; und, by shings! -vot you dinks? _Dere vas a man died in Philadelphia!_" - - - - -A DUTCHMAN'S ANSWER. - - -Bill Jones was going to get married a day or two ago, and he forgot -whar de minister libed; so he started to find him out, so as to hab him -come to de house an' perform de marriage ceremony. So, arter getting -along down de road for two or free miles, he became fearful ob gettin' -on de wrong track. So he says to a big Dutchman "I say, can you tell -me where Mr. Swackelhammer, de preacher, lives?" and de Dutchman said, -"Yaw. You just valk de road up to de creek, an' down de pritch over up -shtreme, den you just go on till you cum to a road what vinds de woots -around a schoolhouse; but you don't take dat road. Vell, den you go -on till you meet a pig-pen shingled mit straw, den you durn de road -round de field, and go on till you come to pig red house. Den you turn -dat house around de barn, and see a road dat goes up in de woots. Den -you don't take dat road too. Den you go straight on, and de fust house -you meet is a hay-stack, and de next is a barrack. Vell, he don't live -dere. Den you will get a little furder, and you see a house on top de -hill, about a mile; and you go in dere an' ax de old voman, an' she -will tell you bedder as I can." - - - - -THE VAY RUBE HOFFENSTEIN SELLS. - - -"Herman," said a Poydras street merchant clothier, addressing his -clerk, "haf ye sold all of dose overgoats vat vas left over from last -vinter?" - -"No, sir; dere vas dree of dem left yet." - -"Vell, ye must sell 'em right avay, as de vinter vill not last, you -know, Herman. Pring me one uf de goats and I vill show you somedings -about de pisness. I vill dell you how ve vill sell dem out, und you -must learn de pisness, Herman; de vinter vas gone, you know, und ve hav -had dose goats in de store more as seex years." - -An eight-dollar overcoat was handed him by his clerk, and smoothing it -out, he took a buckskin money purse from the showcase, and, stuffing it -full of paper, dropped it into one of the pockets. - -"How, Herman, my poy," he continued," vatch me sell dat coat. I haf -sold over dirty-fife uf dem shust de same vay, und I vant to deech you -de pisness. Ven de next gustomer comes in de shop I vill show de vay -Rube Hoffenstein, my broder in Detroit, sells his cloding and udder -dings." - -A few minutes later a negro, in quest of a pair of suitable cheap -shoes, entered the store. The proprietor advanced smiling, and inquired: - -"Vat is it you vish?" - -"Yer got any cheap shoes hyar?" asked the negro. - -"Blenty of dem, my frent, blenty; at any price you vant." - -The negro stated that he wanted a pair of brogans, and soon his pedal -extremities were encased in them, and a bargain struck. As he was about -to leave, the proprietor called him back. - -"I ain't gwine ter buy nuffin else. I'se got all I want," said the -negro, sullenly. - -"Dot may be so, my dear sir," replied the proprietor, "but I shust -vants you to look at dis goat. It vas de pure Russian vool, und dis -dime last year you doan got dot same goat for dwenty-five dollars. -Mine gracious, clothing vos gone down to noding, and dere vas no money -in de pisness any longer. You vant someding dot vill keep you from de -vedder, und make you feel varm as summer dime. De gonsumption vas goin -round, und de doctors dell me it vas the vedder. More dan nine beoples -died roun vere I lif last veek. Dink of dot. Mine frent, dot goat vas -Russian vool, dick and hevy. Vy, Misder Jones, who owns de pank on -Canal streed, took that goat home mit him yesterday, and vore it all -day, but it vas a leetle dight agross de shoulders, und he brought it -pack shust a vile ago. Dry it on, my dear sir. Ah! dot vas all right. -Mister Jones vas a rich man, and he liked dot goat. How deep de pockets -vas, but it vas a leetle dight agross de shoulders." - -The negro buttoned up the coat, thrust his hands in the pockets, and -felt the purse. A peaceful smile played over his face when his touch -disclosed to his mind the contents of the pockets, but he choked down -his joy and inquired: - -"Who did you say wore this hyar coat?" - -"Vy, Mister Jones vot owns de bank on Canal streed." - -"What yer gwine to ax fur it?" - -"Dwenty dollars." - -"Dat's powerful high price fur dis coat, but I'll take it." - -"Herman, here, wrap up dis goat fur the schentleman, and throw in a -cravat; it will make him look nice mit de ladies." - -"Nebber mind, I'll keep the coat on," replied the negro, and pulling -out a roll of money, he paid for it and left the store. - -While he was around the next corner moaning over the stuffed purse, -Hoffenstein said to his clerk: - -"Herman, fix up anudder von of dose goats de same vay, and doan forget -to dell dem dot Mister Jones vot runs de pank on Canal streed vore it -yesterday." - - - - -A DUTCH RECRUITING OFFICER. - - -The reader must picture a stout, big-bellied, short-haired -recruiting-officer, with a blue cap, broad, stiff frontispiece, a -short sword, blue uniform a size too small, and a raw customer from -"Faderland," with wooden shoes and a long-tailed gray coat. The officer -was after recruits for a German regiment, and thus went for his -susceptible countryman:-- - -"Lo, dere, Hans! Be dat you?" - -"Yaw." - -"Come me to be a sojer man." - -"Nein!" - -"Yaw, come. It be so nice!" - -"Nein! I gets shoots." - -"Nix. Py tam! it is better as good. It been foon all de vile. You -enlists mit me, you gets nine hundred dollars bountish." - -"So?" - -"Yaw. And you gets such nice clothes as never vas. Shust look at me." - -"So?" - -"Yaw. And in the morning, ven de trum peets, dat ish de gurnel's -gompliments to come an' git your schnapps mit him." - -"So?" - -"Yaw. And purty soon, bime by, de trum peets again, and dat ish de -gurnel's gompliments to come eat some sourkrout un sausage mit him, py -dam!" - -"So, mynheer?" - -"Yaw, it ish so. Den purty soon, bime by, de trum peets, an' dat ish -de gurnel's gompliments to ride mit him in der carriage to see your -vrou or your Katrina. And den you rides mit him all over de city mit -him, and no costs you one tam cent. And bime by de trum peets, and dat -ish de gurnel's gompliments to come and schmoke a bipe mit him! And -den bime by, purty soon, right away, de trum peets de tuyful, and dat -ish de gurnel's gompliments to come and get you nine hundred tollars -bountish, I tinks, but guess not, py tam!" - -"Yaw! So goot?" - -"Yaw! And den de General and Bresident shake hands mit you, and you -eat krout mit de Bresident's vrou, and shust live like one fighting -rooster, by tam! And den in a little wile you say der Bresident be -one nice man, and you gets another hundred tollars bountish; and de -Bresident makes one grand general mit you, purty soon I guess, but I -tink not. You go mit me?" - -"Yaw!" - - - - -DOT BABY OFF MINE. - - - Mine cracious! mine cracious! shust look here und see - A Deutscher so habby as habby can pe! - Der beoples all dink dot no prains I haf got; - Vas grazy mit trinking, or someding like dot: - Id vasn't pecause I trinks lager und vine; - Id vas all on aggount off dot baby off mine. - - Dot schmall leedle vellow I dells you vas qveer; - Not mooch pigger roundt as a goot glass of peer; - Mit a bare-footed hed, und nose but a schpeck; - A mout dot goes most to der pack off his neck; - Und his leedle pink toes mit der rest all combine - To gif sooch a charm to dot baby off mine. - - I dells you dot baby vas von off der poys, - Und beats leedle Yawcob for making a noise. - He shust has pecun to shbeak goot English too; - Says "Mamma" und "Papa," und somedimes "Ah, goo!" - You don'd find a baby den dimes oudt off nine - Dot vas qvite so schmart as dot baby off mine. - - He grawls der vloor ofer, und drows dings aboudt, - Und poots eferyding he can find in his mout; - He dumbles der shtairs down, und falls vrom his chair, - Und gifes mine Katrina von derrible sckare. - Mine hair shtands like shquills on a mat borcubine - Ven I dinks off dose pranks off dot baby off mine. - - Dere vas someding, you pet, I don'd likes pooty vell,-- - To hear in der nighdt dimes dot young Deutscher yell, - Und dravel der ped-room midout many clo'es, - Vhile der chills down der shpine off mine pack quickly goes: - Dose leedle shimnasdic dricks vasn't so fine - Dot I cuts oup at nighdt mit dot baby off mine. - - Vell, dese leedle schafers vas going to pe men, - Und all of dese droubles vill peen ofer den: - Dey vill vear a vhite shirt-vront inshtead off a bib, - Und vouldn't got tucked oup at nighdt in deir crib. - Vell, vell, ven I'm feeble, und in life's decline, - May mine oldt age pe cheered py dot baby off mine! - - - - -DOT LEETLE TOG UNDER DER VAGON. - - - "Coom, vife," says goot oldt farmer Gray, - "Git on your tings: dot's markets-tay. - Ve'll go so quick vot ve can to town, - Und pack again 'fore dot sun coomes down. - _Shpot!_ No: ve'll leave oldt Shpot behint." - But Shpot he parked, und Shpot he vhined, - Und soon made out his toggish mind - To shteal avay under dot vagon. - - Avay dey vent at a merry pace; - But some sad coomes into dot farmer's face; - Und he said, "Poor Shpot! he did vant to come, - But maype dot's petter he's leaved at home. - He'll vatch de parn, und he'll vatch de cot, - Und keep dose cattles out of de lot." - "I'm not so sure of dot," growled Shpot, - On a dog-trot under dot vagon. - - So soon as all dose tings vas sold, - Und he gits his pay in silber und gold, - He shtarted home, a quarter past dark, - Across a lonesomely forest. _Hark!_ - A robber shumps from pehind a tree: - "Your money or your life!" says he. - It's a cross-eyed moon, so he don't can see - Dot leetle tog under de vagon. - - Den Shpot parked vonce, und vonce he vhined, - Und he grapped dot tief py de pants pehind; - He dragged him down in de mud und dirt; - He teared his coat, likevise his shirt; - Und dot tief in de mud got nearly drowned, - Und he don't could rise pooty kvick off de ground; - So his lecks und arms de farmer bound, - Und histed him into dot vagon. - - So Shpot he safed de farmer's life, - Also his money, likevise his vife; - Und now a hero grand und gay, - A silber necktie he vears to-day. - He goes verefer his master goes; - Und you bet he holds pooty high his nose, - Mit lots of frients, und not any foes,-- - Dot leetle tog under de vagon. - - - - -SCHNITZERL'S VELOCIPEDE. - - - Hans Schnitzerl made a velocipede, - Vone of dot newest kind; - It didn't hafe no vheel before, - Und der vasn't none pehind. - - Aber dere vas vone in de middle, dhough, - Dat's shust as sure as eggs; - Und he shtraddled across dot axle, - Mit de vheel between his legs. - - Und vhen he vants to shtart it off, - He paddled mit his feet, - Und soon he made it gone so fast - Dat eferytings he beat. - - He took it out on Broadway vonce, - Und shkeeted like de vind. - Phew! how he passed dot fancy schaps! - He leafed dem all pehind. - - Dem fellers on dose shtylish nags - Pulled up to see him pass; - Und der Deutschers, all ockstonished, cried, - "Potz tauzand! Vas ist das?" - - But faster shtill Herr Schnitzerl flew,-- - On, mit a ghastly schmile: - He didn't touch de ground, py Jinks, - Not vonce in half a mile. - - So vas it mit Herr Schnitzerl - Und his velocipede: - His feet both shlipped right inside out - Vhen at its extra shpeed. - - He falled upon dot vheel, of course: - Dot vheel like blitzen flew; - Und Schnitzerl, he vas schnicht in vacht, - Dot schliced him grode in two. - - _Hans Breitmann._ - - - - -THE LATEST BARBARIE FRIETCHIE. - - - Id was droo der sdreeds of Fredericksdown; - Der red-hot zun he vas shine him down. - - Bast der zaloons all filt mit bier, - Der rebel vellers valked on deir ear. - - All day droo Fredericksdown so fast, - Horses, und guns, und sozers bast. - - Der rebel flags he shone him out so bridt, - As if, by Jinks! he got some ridt. - - Vere vas der Onion flag? Der zun - He look him down not on a vun. - - Up jumped dot olt Miss Frietchie den, - Zo oldt by ninescore years and ten. - - She grabbed up der old flag der men haul down, - And fasen'd id quick by her nidtgown. - - Den she sot by der vindow ver all could see, - Dere vas none vot lofe dot flag so free. - - Purty soon come ridin' up Stonewall Jack, - Sittin' from der mittle of his horse's back. - - Under him brow he squint him's eyes. - Dot flag! Dot make him great surprise. - - Halt! each feller, make him sdill! - Fire! vas echoed from hill do hill. - - Id busted der sdrings from dot nidtgown, - But Barbarie Frietchie, she vas around. - - She grabbed the flag again so guick, - Und oud of the vindow her arms did sdick. - - "Obuse if you would dis olt bald head, - But leave alone dot flag!" she said. - - Zo soon, so guick as Jack could do, - He holler him oud mit a face so blue: - - "Who bulls a hair oud of dat bald head - Dies awful guick. Go aheat!" he said. - - Und all dot day, und all dot nite, - Till efery rebel vas oud of site, - - Und leave behind him dot Fredericksdown, - Dot flag he vas sthicken by dot nidtgown. - - Dame Barbarie Frietchie's vork is done, - She don't forever get some fun. - - Bully for her! und drop a tear - For dot old vomans midout some fear. - - - - -MR. HOFFENSTEIN'S BUGLE. - - -"Mr. Hoffenstein," said Herman, as he folded up a pair of pants, and -placed them on a pile, "if you don't haf any objections, I vould like -to get from de store avay von efening, und go mit de soldiers to de -Spanish Fort." - -"Vell, Herman, I dinks you had better keep avay from de soldiers," -replied Hoffenstein, "und stay mit de store, because, you know, you -don't can put any confidence mit de soldiers--I vill tell you vhy. Von -day, vile I vas in Vicksburg during de var, a cock-eyed soldier came -in my store mit an old bugle in his hand, und he looks around. I asks -him vat he vants, und he buys a couple of undershirts; den he tells -me to keep his bundle and his bugle behind de counter until he comes -back. After de cock-eyed soldier vent de store out, some more soldiers -come in und valk all around, vile dey look at de goods. 'Shentlemens,' -I says, 'do you vant anydings?'--'Ve are shust looking to see vat you -haf,' said one of dem; und after avile anodder says, 'Bill, shust look -dere at de bugle! de very ding de captain told us to get. You know ve -don't haf any bugle in de company for dree months.--How much you ask -for dot bugle?' I dells dem dot I don't can sell de bugle, because it -belongs to a man vat shust vent oud. 'I vill gif you fifty dollars for -it,' says de soldier, pulling his money oud. I dells him I don't can -sell it, because it vasn't mine. 'I vill gif you one hundred dollars,' -he said. Mine gr-r-acious! Herman, I vants to sell de bugle so bad dot -I vistles. De soldiers dells me, vile dey vas leaving de store, dot if -I buy de bugle from de man vot owns it, dey vill gif me one hundred und -dwendy-five dollars for it. I dells dem I vill do it. I sees a chance, -you know, Herman, to make some money py the oberation. Ven de cock-eyed -soldier comes back he says, 'Gif me my bundle und bugle; I got to go -to de camp.' I says, 'Mine frent, don't you vant to sell your bugle?' -He dells me no, und I says, 'My little boy, Leopold, vot plays in de -store, sees de bugle, und he goes all around crying shust so loud as -he can, because he don't get it. Six times I takes him in de yard und -vips him, und he comes right back und cries for de bugle. It shows, you -know, how much drouble a man vill haf mit a family. I vill gif you den -dollars for it, shust to please little Leopold.' De soldier von't dake -it; und at last I offer him fifty dollars, und he says, 'Vell, I vill -dake fifty dollars, because I can't vaste any more time: I haf to go -to de camp.' Afder he goes avay, I goes to de door, und vatches for de -soldiers vat vanted de bugle. I sees dem passing along de street, und -I says, 'My frents, I haf got de bugle;' und dey say, 'Vell, hang it! -vy don't you blow it?' Mine gr-r-acious! Herman, vat you dink? All dem -soldiers belong to de same crowd, und dey make de trick to swindle me. -Levi Cohen, across de street, he finds it out, und efery day he gets -boys to blow horns in front of mine store, so as to make me dink how I -vas swindled. Herman, I dink you had better stay mit de store." - - - - -FRITZ AND HIS BETSY FALL OUT. - - - Draw oop dem bapers, lawyer, und make 'em shtrong and lawful. - My house vas getting oopside oudt, und Baitsy she vas awful. - Dere's no use talkin', ve can't agree. Sooch aickshuns I naifer saw; - To tell you der troot, between you und me, she vas vorse as a - mudder-in-law. - Ven I virst got married mit Baitsy, I liked her pooty vell, - But now she vas got more stubborn vot nopody can dell; - I've talked mit her togedder, vor two veeks aifery tay, - Und der furder we vas togedder, der nearer ve vas avay. - - Dot all gommenced aboudt der Pible: I youst took it down vrom der - shelf,-- - Dot's a ding I naifer look into mooch: you know how dot vas, - yourself,-- - Und I vas a-reading 'boudt Daniel, how he shoomped in der lion's den, - Und youst a leedle farder along, I vas reading dem lines den - Vere it says, "Und Daniel got hees back oop--righdt oop against der - vall; - Bud der lions don'd vas shkared--dey didn't do none notting at all." - Und ven I read dot shapter dru, ve both vas a goot deal puzzled; - Und I says, "Baitsy, now I see how t'vas, dem lions must bin muzzled." - - She told me I vas lyin'; dot vas not vot it meant. - I said she vas anudder, und dot's youst der vay it vent; - Und den she vas got awful mad, und dold me to my vace, - "I vish, py shinks! dot Dan vas oudt, und you vas een hees blace." - "Vell," I says, "I'm villings to shange mit Daniel; let heem comb und - lif mit you, - Und I'll go and shoomp een der lion's den, und enshoy myself better'n - I do!" - - Bud vot een der dooce vould Daniel dink ov I ashk heem to shange mit - me? - He vould say, 'Oh, no! I know Baitsy too vell. I vould rather shtay - vere I be.' - She shoomped righdt gwick vor der broomshtick, und vas goin' to gife - me a douse; - Bud ven she turned roundt to shtruck me, she vas all alonein der house; - Dot's der reason I comb to talk to you aboudt der varm und homeshtead. - Dere moosht no vone trust Baitsy on my aggount: she left my board und - bedshtead. - - Vone day she vanted soam vater, und dold me to go oud und pump it. - I dold her I vouldn't do it, und ov she didn't like she could lump it. - She shoked me oop against der vall, und shut my vindpipe off; - I tell you I seen shtars dot time, und I dought my head vas off. - Py krashus! She's liable to kill me mit vatefer she gets her hands on, - Und I get mixed oop so, I can't tell vich endt my head shtands on. - She shtruck me vonce mit a cord-wood shtick, righdt on der shpine ov - my back. - - I lefd her home, und vrom dot day till dees--vor dree veeks--I didn't - comb back. - I dell you, Meesder Lawyer, it beats all vot I've endoored, - Besides der money I've baid oudt to keeb my life enshoored. - Der more I dink ov dese dings, der less I vant to, sir, - Und der more I dink ov Baitsy, der less I dink ov her. - - Der virst time I aifer met her, I vas shtruck mit her vinning vay; - Bud now a shange vas tooken blace--I get shtruck in a deafferent vay. - Dot time veil ve got married, she vas a lass een shkool, - Und I vas youst aboudt the same--alas! I vas a vool. - - She alvays used to shmile so nice venefer I shanced to meet her, - I didn't dought she vould become sooch an orvul oogly creetur; - Bud shoore I vas meesdaken, und I got beat like der dooce; - Ov you could only hear her, you'd dink her jaw vas loose. - - Vone day she says, "Shut oop your moudt! your blabbin' all der time!" - I says "I vouldn't do it"--dot's der kind ov a Dootchman I am. - Und den, bevore I knew it, she took me by soorbrise, - Und keeked me oudt der house, sir--righdt bevore my vace und eyes! - I tell you vat it vas, sir, I velt a goot deal put oudt, - To hafe my own belofed vife tell me to shut my moudt, - Und, because I dought I vouldn't, to keek me oudt der door. - Youst on aggount sooch aickshuns, dot's vy I veel so sore. - - I've yelled und shkolded at her until my droat vas hoarse; - Bud dot naifer didn't do no goot--she's gettin' vorse und vorse; - Und I've made oop my mind oudt, dot vas my only course - To comb here und get your adwice--und also a diworce. - - * * * * * - - You talk 'boudt bein' henpecked, und ruled by voman's tongue, - I tell you vat it is, sir, I'm vorse off den Prigham Young. - So wrode oop dot baper, lawyer, und draw it righdt avay, - Und I'll take it home to Baitsy, und see vot she vill say. - - Und den to-morrow morning I vill sell aiferyding I own, - Und bid Baitsy und our shild goot-by, und go oudt een der vorld alone. - Und ven I dink ov Baitsy a dousand milse avay, - I'll baed she'll vant to hafe me comb righdt back home und shtay. - Bud I naifer vill comb back again, unless she's tooken sick, - Ov she is, you tailegraf me to comb back pooty gwick. - Remaimber vot I tell you, und don'd keeb me in soosbense; - Youst bay the tailegrafer, und sharge to my oxbense. - - Dot puts me een mind ov someding dot I can't dink ov now; - I can't remaimber vot I vorget--dot beats all, ainyhow! - Oh! now I've got it--wrode it down, dot ven I'm dead und gone, - Baitsy'll bring back me to her, und bury me een der lawn. - Und on my tombstone let it read, in ledders large und blain, - "Here lies Shon Shtuffenheimer, and hees vife she is to blame." - Und I hope dot in a veek or two, righdt after I hafe died, - Baitsy und I vill both ov us be laying side by side. - - Und ven Gabreel blows hees drumpet oop, und all der dead shall rise, - Baitsy und I vill both shoomp oop, and vipe our veeping eyes; - Und den, if it looks doubtful, ve'll shtand righdt dere und vait, - Und ven no vone vas lookin', ve'll shkweeze dru der Golden Gate. - - GEORGE M. WARREN. - - - - -CUT, CUT BEHIND. - - - Vhen shnow und ice vas on der ground, - Und merry shleigh-bells shingle; - Vhen Shack Frost he vas peen around, - Und make mine oldt ears tingle-- - I hear dhose roguish gamins say, - "Let shoy pe unconfined!" - Und dhen dhey go for efry shleigh, - Und yell, "Cut, cut pehind!" - - It makes me shust feel young some more, - To hear dhose youngsters yell, - Und eef I don'd vas shtiff und sore, - Py shings! I shust vould--Vell, - Vhen some oldt pung was coomin' py, - I dink I'd feel inclined - To shump right in upon der shly, - Und shout, "Cut, cut pehind!" - - I mind me vot mine fader said - Vonce vhen I vas a poy, - Mit meeschief alvays in mine head, - Und fool of life und shoy. - "Now, Hans, keep off der shleighs," says he, - "Or else shust bear in mind, - I dake you righdt across my knee, - Und cut, cut, cut pehind!" - - Vell, dot vas years und years ago, - Und mine young Yawcob too, - Vas now shkydoodling droo der shnow, - Shust like I used to do; - Und ven der pungs coom py mine house, - I shust peeks droo der plind, - Und sings oudt, "Go id, Yawcob Strauss, - Cut, cut, cut, cut, pehind!" - - _Charles Follen Adams, in Harper's._ - - - - -TICKLED ALL OAFER. - - -The Chief of Police yesterday had a visit from an old farmer living out -on the Center Line road, who had a story to tell. After two or three -efforts, he began:-- - -"I vhas goin home, last night, ven I overtakes two men on der roadt. -Dose fellers dey laft, und saidt would I gif 'em a ride? I laft, too, -und say, 'shump in.'" - -"Yes, I understand." - -"Pooty queek one feller laft, und saidt he likes Dutchmens, 'cause his -uncle vas a Dutchmans. Dot vhas all right, und so I laft, too. I vhas -real tickled, und I shakes all oafer." - -"Yes." - -"In a leetle vhile one feller vhants me to shange a seven-tollar bill, -so as he could gif some money to der orphan assylums; und he lafts, ha! -ha! ha! Dot tickled me some more, und I lafts too. Den de odder feller, -he grabs me py der collar und pulls me down behind, und says dey looks -in my pockets for a shteampoat dot vos stolen from Detroit. Dot makes -us all laff, like some goot shoke." - -"It must have been funny." - -"It vhas. Dose fellers took out my wallet and counted oop der monish. -I had shust ten tollar; und dey laft, und said dot dey must go on some -trips to der seashore mit dot. Dot tickled me some more, und I laft, -too." - -"Well, what then?" - -"Vhell, den dey shumped oud, und put deir fingers on der noses, -und says, 'Goot-py, old Dutchmans,' und avhay dey goes like some -horse-races." - -"And you didn't laugh at that?" - -"Vhell, not pooty much. I vhas all ready to, but I shtopped. If dem -fellers vhas up to shokes, it was all right; but if they vhas robbers, -I vhants you to catch 'em, und gif 'em some pieces of my mind, like -dunder. I doan' like somepody to laff at me vhen they doan' feel -tickled all oafer." - - - - -AN ERROR O' JUDGMENT. - - -We are a quiet, law-abiding people doon here in Saltcoats. Indeed, I -havna seen a polisman for sax weeks, an' trooly when I think o' hoo -happy we a' are I'm aye reminded o' the hundred and thirty-third Saum. - -Being orderly folk, an' in oor beds at a proper oor, the street-lamps -are a' screwed oot every nicht at twal o'clock--an' quite late eneuch -tae, for if folk are no hame by that time they should be. Oor gas, -I may remark, is cheaper and better than the Glasgow thing; altho' -we don't make a great wark aboot it bein' equal ta sae mony "caunle -po'er," an' ither nonsense o' that kin'. Bein' savin' folk, moreover, -on nichts when the mune's up the lamps are no lichtit at a'. It wad be -o' nae use, you see, an' a perfect throwin' awa o' gas. But that brings -me to what I was goin' tae say. - -The ither nicht, though it wis vera dark, no a lamp was lichtet, a -matter that rather bothered the inhabitants. By-an'-by a few o' the -principal folk cam' doon tae my place jist as I wis closin', an' after -a bit crack we made up oor mind tae gie a ca' on the lamplighter. The -reg'lar man wis through at Kirkliston--he's East country himsel', if -I don't mistak he belangs tae Manuel--buryin' his wife's auntie; so it -wis jist, as ye micht say, a depute-proxy that wis daein' the wark. -Weel, we daunnert up tae this depute-proxy's hoose; bit he wis in bed, -on' a' oor chappin' at the door couldna rouse him. Seein' this, we -borrow't a lether, frae a slater that steys next door, an' twa o' the -ithers steadin' it, I crept up the rungs an' twirlt at the window wi' -my fingers, singin' a' the time-- - - O are ye sleeping, Wullie! - O are ye sleeping, Wullie! - O are ye---- - -"Whit ye oh-in' at?" cries Wullie, comin' tae the window: "a body wid -think it wis some lass you were serenadin'." - -"Wullie," says I solemnly, "what's this ye hae been daein' at a' at a'?" - -"I've been daein' naething but sleepin': it's you that's kicking up the -row." - -"But ye hivna lichtet the lamps the nicht." - -"This is no my nicht: it's the mune the nicht." - -"Surely ye've made a mistak, Wullie: there's nae mune that I see." - -"I've made nae mistak, for I lookit the almanac." - -"But will ye no listen tae reason? Put yer heid oot an' see for -yersel'." - -Wullie put his heid oot. "Woel," he says, "there's nae mune, certainly; -but ye surely widna hae me responsible for that. I go by the almanac; -an' if it says there's to be a mune, it's a' one tae me whether there's -nae mune or a million o' munes, not a lamp will I licht." - -"That's quite richt, Wullie: nae doot ye maun hae some rule to go -by--Gentlemen," I cries doon, "he has the best o' the argument: what am -I tae dae noo?" - -"Haul him oot the window," they cried up. - -"Oh! if ye're goin' tae begin fechtin' I'll come doon," I replies, "and -let some o' the rest o' ye up." But they cried, that I'd better jist -settle it when I wis there, so I says, "Wullie, whit almanac d'ye go -by? Is't Orr's, or the Belfast?" - -"Here it's up on the mantlepiece, ye can see it for yersel';" and he -took it doon, an' held it oot tae me, giein' me a cannle at the same -time to read it by. One look, hooever, explained the hale affair. -"Gracious guidness, Wullie," I cries, "this is last year's!" - -"Eh! what! last year's?" - -"It is that," says I. - -"Mr Kaye," says Wullie, "don't say another word. Wait a minute, an' -I'll put on my troosers, an' in hauf an oor every lamp'll be shinin' -sae that ye wid think it wis a general illumination." - -He wis as guid as his word; an' we a' accompanied him on his rounds, -an' the cheers the laddies gied as each lamp wis lichtet wid 'a' dune -yer hert guid. We had a meetin' in the coalree afterwards; an' I -proposed that Wullie, for his strict attention tae duty--it was only an -error o' judgment he had made, very different frae carelessness--should -get the first vacant place we had, at a guid wage; an' the motion wis -carried, an' Wullie an' us a' went hame happy. - - - - -SOCKERY KADAHCUT'S KAT. - - -Oh! I had de vorst dime lasd veek dot you effer saw. Katrina (dot vos -mine frau) vent avay to make a liddle bicnic, und as I vas been hafin' -de shake und agers und didn't feel pooty goot, I shtayed to home. - -Vell, as I vas valkin' arount de parn yart, I saw dot same olt plue hen -coom out from unter der parn sayin': "Kut, kut, ka-dah-kut; kut, kut, -ka-dah-kut," und dot puts me in mint of a shoke dot Katrina mait on me -von tay: she sait dot I autto vas bin a olt rooster, cos de hens called -me effery dime ven day lait a aigs. Dot vas a pooty goot shoke on me. -Vell, as I vas saying, I saw dot olt plue hen coom out from unter de -parn, und I tought to myself, meppy dere vas a nest of aigs unter dere; -so I pull oud half a tozzen more sdones, und mait a hole so pig as I -can crawl unter, und den as I vas crawlin' arount unter a lookin' for -some nest mit aigs, all at once I spiet de pootiest liddle kat vat I -effer seen; he vas all plack mit vite shtripes, und vas shnuggled ub in -a little pall fahst asleeb. - -Vell, ve vas bin vantin' a kat because dere vas so many mouses in de -house, und I tought uf I kin git dot von I'll make Katrina a little -surbrise barty; so I krawl along so sdill as never vas, till I got ub -close to him, den I mait a grab und I ketched him by the neck so dot -he dont kin pite me; but ach, mine gootness, vat shmell, vorse as a -huntred parrels of limburgher! _I tought I had stepped on someding dot -vas deat, und proke him mit my knees._ I vas most shoke mit dot shmell; -but I held dot liddle kat up close to me und klimb oud so kwick as I -can. Ven I got oud in de parn yart, dere vas pig Chake Moser goin' py, -und ven he seen me, he sait, "Sockery, you olt deutch fool, vot are you -doin' mit dot skunk?"--"Shkunk!" I sait, "I tought dot vas a liddle -kat;" und I drop him so quick like he was hot. - -Vell, Chake, he laf like he vould kill himself; und I ask him vot I kin -do to git me off dot shmell. He sait dot de only ding vas to be perried -in de ground till de earth absorp de shmell; und he sait he vould tig -de hole und fix me in, if I vish. Vell, I dink dot is very goot of -Chake, und I tought if I can get me dot shmell off before Katrina cooms -home, I von't say any ding about dot liddle kat to anypody. So Chake -dig de hole, und I sit down in it und vas perried up to de neck; den -Chake sait he vas in a hurry und he must go to de willage, und he vent -avay. Booty soon kwick a fly lite on my face, und I koodn't prush him -off, cos my arms vas perried doo; und booty soon more as a hundret -flies und effery ding vas krawl all ofer my het, und I shpit and plow, -und vink my face dill I tink I vas gone crazy. Bimepy I heart a noise -doun de roat, und I looked und dere vas apoud every man, vooman, und -shildren in de willage, mit shpades, mit bic-axes, mit shuffles, mit -efery dings, und all runnin rite ub de hill to my house; in a minnit -more as dwenty vas in der yart, und ven dey see me perried to de chin, -und vinkin und shpitten at dem flies, dere eyes shtuck oud more as a -half a feet, und Dick Klaus sait, "_Vot vas you doin dere, Sockery?_" - -Vell, I see dot dere vas no use drying to keep dot shdill, so I told -dem all aboud dot liddle kat; und, my chimminy cracious! you kood hear -dem fellows laff more as a mile. - -You see dot shackass of a Chake Moser run und told dem in de willage -dot dere vas a man perried alive up to Kadahcut's, so of course -eferypody coom to git him oud. - -Vell, dey tig me oud, und I trow away dem clothes, und vash, und vash; -but ven Katrina coom ad nide, I shmell so dot she mait me sleeb in de -parn for a whole veek. - -I tink I shall moof avay; eferypody vants to know if I vant to py a -kat, und I don'd kan shtand dis much longer yet. - - - - -I VASH SO GLAD I VASH HERE! - -A HUMOROUS RECITATION. - - -One who does not believe in immersion for baptism was holding a -protracted meeting, and one night preached on the subject of baptism. -In the course of his remarks he said that some believe it necessary -to go down into the water, and come up out of it, to be baptized. -But this he claimed to be fallacy; for the preposition "into" of the -Scripture should be rendered differently, as it does not mean _into_ at -all times. "Moses," he said, "we are told, went up into the mountain; -and the Saviour was taken up into a high mountain, etc. Now, we do not -suppose either went into a mountain, but went unto it. So with going -down into the water: it means simply going down close by or near to -the water, and being baptized in the ordinary way by sprinkling or -pouring." He carried this idea out fully, and in due season closed his -discourse, when an invitation was given for any one so disposed to rise -and express his thoughts. Quite a number of his brethren arose and -said they were glad they had been present on this occasion, that they -were well pleased with the sound sermon they had just heard, and felt -their souls greatly blessed. Finally, a corpulent gentleman of Teutonic -extraction, a stranger to all, arose and broke the silence that was -almost painful, as follows:-- - -"Mister Breacher, I is so glad I vash here to-night, for I has had -explained to my mint some dings dat I neffer could pelief before. Oh, -I is so glad dat into does not mean into at all, but shust close by or -near to; for now I can pelief many dings vot I could not pelief pefore. -We reat, Mr. Breacher, dat Taniel vash cast into de ten of lions, and -came out alife. Now I neffer could pelief dat, for wilet peasts would -shust eat him right off; but now it is fery clear to my mint. He vash -shust close py or near to, and tid not get into de ten at all. Oh, I -ish so glad I vash here to-night! Again, we reat dat de Heprew children -vash cast into de firish furnace, and dat always look like a peeg story -too, for they would have been purnt up; but it ish all blain to my mint -now, for dey was shust cast py or close to de firish furnace. Oh, I -vash so glad I vash here to-night! And den, Mr. Breacher, it ish said -dat Jonah vash cast into de sea, and taken into de whale's pelly. Now -I neffer could pelief dat. It alwish seemed to me to be a peeg fish -story, but it ish all blain to my mint now. He vash not into de whale's -pelly at all, but shump onto his pack and rode ashore. Oh, I vash so -glad I vash here to-night! - -"And now, Mr. Breacher, if you will shust exblain two more bassages of -Scriptures, I shall be oh, so happy dot I vash here to-night. One of -dem ish vere it saish de vicked shall be cast into a lake dat burns mit -fire and primstone alwish. Oh, Mr. Breacher, shall I be cast into dat -lake if I am vicked, or shust close py or near to--shust near enough to -be comfortable? Oh, I hope you tell me I shall be cast only shust py -a good vays off, and I will pe so glad I vash here to-night. De oder -bassage is dat vich saish, blessed are they who do these commandments, -dat dey may have right to de dree of life, and enter in droo de gates -of de city, and not shust close py or near to,--shust near enough to -see vat I have lost,--and I shall pe so glad I vash here to-night!" - - - - -DOT SHLY LEEDLE RASKEL. - - - I kin saw you, you shly leedle raskel, - A-beekin' ad me drough dot shair! - Come here righd away now und kiss me-- - You doughd I don't know you vas dere. - You all der dime hide from your fader, - Und subbose he can't see mit his eyes, - You vas goin' to fool me--eh, Fritzey?-- - Und gafe me a grade big surprise? - - Dot boy vas a rekular monkey-- - Dere vas noding so high he don'd glimb; - Und his mudder, she says dot his drousers - Vants new bosoms in dem all der dime. - He vas schmard, dough, dot same leedle feller, - Und he sings all der vile like a lark, - From vonce he gids up in der mornin' - Dill ve drofe him to bed afder dark. - - He's der bussiest von in der family, - Und I bed you de louder he sings - He vas raisin' der dickens mit some von-- - He vas up to all manner of dings. - He vos beekin' away, dot young raskel, - Drough der shair--Moly Hoses! vot's dot? - Dot "son-of-gun" mit a sceesors - Is cut off der dail of der cat! - - - - -A JEW'S TROUBLE. - -HURWOOD. - - -Vot a coundry dot is, anyvays! unt vot a peebles! Ye poor Shews don'd -got some quietness anyveres. Ve vas been persecooted! dot is vot it is. -Yust lisden vonce, vat droubles I haf by mineself. - -In the vorst blace my name vos Isaacs--dot is my lasd name: my vrond -name vas Solomon, unt I keeps me a nice leedle cloding schtore in de -Powery. You oughd to seen it vonce! I got me eferyt'ing in dot schtore. -Vell, von day last veek a nice cushdomer, vot liefed in Yarsey, come -in, unt I sells him a peautiful coat very sheep. Von he pud id on, id -vas a leedle, _yust a leedle_, full preasded in de pack; bud I got dot -coat ub in my handt, so he did nod know it vas too pig enough. I dold -him dot vas _peautiful_ fid--yusd like it vas made for him! - -"Of you don'd peleef dot," says I, "I galls my vife. Maria, don'd dot -coat fid dot shentlemans?" - -"Yah, Solomon, dot vas a loafly fid, for sure!" said Maria. - -So dot shentleman buy dot coat, and giefe me yust vot I asked, und -nefer said vonce, "I giefe you hafe of dot brice," or somedings like -dot, und I vas mad yust like a hornet dot I didn'd ask him dwice as -mooch! - -But vot has all dot got to do mit my droubles? - -Nix! - -Veil, go ahade! - -Von day I gone me oud for a leedle valk, und vas scmoking von of dose -real Hafana segars vot you buy dree for den cents, ven ub comes a pig, -bulled-headed mans, vot hafe his hair all viled off, und he busds me in -de schnood righd avay quick, pefore I know me some dings; unt, as my -nose don'd vas fery schmall, it hurd me like fury. - -"Vot de madder is, ain'd it?" said I. "Vot for you hid me dot vay?" - -"Pecause you vas a _Shew_; dot is vot de madder vas!" said that old -fighder. - -"Vell, vot if I vas a Shew? I don'd do somedings by you! I don'd know -you anyvays." - -Unt den he giefe id do me again righdt in my left ear. - -"Dot ish pecause you vas a Shew vot _killed de Saviour_! Dot is vy I -hid you; und I'll busd efery hook nose vot I meed!" - -"Vot hafe I got to do mit dot, anyvays? Id vas more ash a dousand years -ago ven dot habbened, und I vas nod borned yet! You pig shackass, vot -you means, anyvays?" - -"Vell," says old schwell headt, "dot makes me nod different! I don'd -hear me noding about it _till lasd nightd_, unt I'm going to 'put a -headt' on every Shew I see, for doin' it!" - -Vell, dot vas pig fool anyvays; so I left him and gone me home to -Maria, und she pud mustard boultice on my schmeller. I vill sent dot -feller up to blay "scheckers mit his nose," yust so soon as I catch him -again! - - - - -DER MULE SHTOOD ON DER STEAMBOAD DECK. - - - Der mule shtood on der steamboad deck, - For der land he wouldn't dread. - Dhey tied a halder rount his neck, - Und vacked him over der headt. - - But obstinate and braced he shtood, - As born der scene do rule. - A creature of der holt-back brood,-- - A shtubborn, shteadfast mule. - - Dhey cursed and shwore, bud he vould not go - Undill he felt inclined; - Und dough dhey dundered blow on blow, - He aldered nod his mind. - - Der boats-boy to der shore complained, - "Der varmint's bound do shtay!" - Shtill ubon dot olt mule's hide - Der sounding lash made blay. - - His masder from der shore reblied, - "Der boads aboud do sail; - As oder means in vain you've dried, - Subbose you dwist his dail. - - "I dhink dot dat vil magke him land." - Der boats-boy, brave, dough bale, - Den near drew mit oudstretched hand, - Do magke der dwist avail. - - Dhen game a kick of thunder sound! - Dot boy--oh, vhere vas he? - Ask of der vaves dot far around - Beheld him in der sea. - - For a moment nod a voice was heard; - Bud dot mule he vinked his eye, - As dhough to ask, to him occurred, - "How vas dot for high?" - - ANON. - - - - -TEACHING HIM THE BUSINESS. - - -"Herman," said a Poydras-street merchant clothier, addressing his -clerk, "haf ve sold all of dose overgoats vat vas left over from last -vinter?" - -"No, sir; dere vas dree of dem left yet." - -"Vell, ve must sell 'em right avay, as the vinter vill not last, you -know, Herman. Pring me one uf de goats und I vill show you somedings -about de pisness. I vill tell you how we vill sell dem oud, und you -must learn de bisness, Hermann; de vinter vas gone, you know, und ve -hav had dose goats in de store more es seex years." - -An eight-dollar overcoat was handed him by his clerk, and, smoothing it -out, he took a buckskin money-purse from the showcase, and stuffing it -full of paper, dropped it into one of the pockets. - -"Now, Herman, my poy," he continued, "vatch me sell dot goat. I haf -sold over dirty-fife uv dem shust de same vay, und I vant to deech you -de pisness. Yen de nexd gustomer comes in de shop I vill show de way -Rube Hoffenstein, mine broder in Detroit, sells his cloding und udder -dings." - -A few minutes later a negro, in quest of a suitable pair of cheap -shoes, entered the store. The proprietor advanced smiling, and -inquired-- - -"Vat is it you vish?" - -"Yer got any cheap shoes hyar?" asked the negro. - -"Blenty uf dem, my frient, blenty; at any brice you vant." - -The negro stated that he wanted a pair of brogans; and soon his pedal -extremities were encased in them, and a bargain struck. As he was about -to leave, the proprietor called him back. - -"I ain't gwine to buy nuffin' else. I'se got all I want," said the -negro sullenly. - -"Dot may be so, my dear sir," replied the proprietor, "but I shust -vants you to look at dis goat. It vas de pure Russian wool, und dis -dime last year you doan got dot same goat for twenty-five dollars. -Mine gracious! cloding vas gone down to noding, and der vas no money -in de pisness any longer. You vant someding dot vill keep you from de -vedder, und make you feel varm as summer-dime. De gonsumption vas going -round, und de doctors dell me it vas de vedder. More den nine beobles -died round vere I lif last week. Dink of dot! Mine frient, dot goat -vas Russian vool, dick und hevy. Vy, Misder Jones, who owns der pank -on Canal Streed, took dot goat home mit him yesterday, und vore it all -day; but it vas a leedle dight agross de shoulders, und he brought it -pack shust a vile ago. Dry it on, my dear sir. Ah! dot vas all righd. -Misder Jones vas a rich man und he liked dot goat. How deep de pockets -vas! but it vas a leedle dight agross de shoulders." - -The negro buttoned up the coat, thrust his hands in the pockets and -felt the purse. A peaceful smile played over his face when his touch -disclosed to his mind the contents of the pockets, but he choked down -his joy and inquired-- - -"Who did you say wore this hyar coat?" - -"Vy, Misder Jones, vot owns de pank on Canal Streed. - -"What yer gwine to ax for it?" - -"Dwenty dollars." - -"Dat's pow'ful high price fur dis coat, but I'll take it." - -"Herman! here, wrap up this goat for de schentleman and drow in a -cravat; it vill make him look nice mit de ladies." - -"Nebber mind, I'll keep de coat on," replied the negro; and pulling out -a roll of money he paid for it and left the store. - -While he was around the next corner moaning over the stuffed purse, -Hoffenstein said to his clerk:-- - -"Herman, fix up anudder vun of dose goats de same vay; and doan forget -to dell dem dot Misder Jones vot run de pank on Canal Streed vore it -yesterday." - - - - -DER GOOD-LOOKIN SHNOW. - - - Oh! dot shnow, dot goot-lookin shnow, - Vhich makes von der shky out on tings below, - Und yoost on der haus vhere der shingles vas grow, - You come mit some coldness, vherefer you go; - Valtzin und pblayin und zinging along,-- - Goot-lookin shnow, you dond cood done wrong. - Ofen of you make on some oldt gal's scheek, - It makes notting tifferent, ofer das shendlesom freak. - Goot-lookin shnow, von der glouds py der shky, - You vas bully mit cold vedder, und bully von high. - - Oh! dot shnow, dot goot-lookin shnow, - Yoost dis vay und vot you make vhen you go; - Fhlyin aroundt, you got matness mit fun, - Und fhreeze makes der nose of efery von; - Lafein, runnin, mit gwickness go py, - Yoost shtobbin a leedle, den pooty gwick fhly; - Und efen der togs, dot vas out in der vet, - Vood shnab at der bieces vhich makes on dhere hedt. - Der peobles vas grazy, und caddles vood crow - Und say how you vas, you goot-lookin shnow. - - Und so gwick you vas dhere, und der vedder did shnow, - Dhey shpeak out in dones so shweeder as low, - Und der shleigh-riders, too, vas gone py in der lite, - You dond cood saw dhem, dill quite out of site. - Schwimmen, shkimmen, fhlirdin dhey go - Rect on der tob of dot goot-lookin shnow. - Dot shnow vas vhite glean vhen it comes der shky down, - Und yoost so muddy like mud, vhen it comes of der town; - To been valked on py more as dwo hoondret fife feet, - Dill gwick, vas yoost lookin so phlack like der shtreet. - - Vell, I vas yoost lookin vonce so goot like dot shnow, - But I tumbled me off, und vay I did go; - Nicht so glean, like der mut dot growed on der shtreet, - I vas shcraped von der poots off, of der peobles I meet. - Dinkin und shworin, I like of I die, - To been shtiff like a mackerel mit no von to buy; - Vhile I trink me some lager to got a shquare meal, - I vas afraid von der ghosts mine pody vood shteal. - Got in Himmel! how ish dot? Vas I gone down so low, - Vhen I vonce vas so vhiteness like dot goot-lookin shnow? - - Yah, for dhrue, I vas told you, I vas vonce pure like dot shnow, - Mit blaindy of lofe, von mine heart out vas grow; - I dink von dhem efery von, and dhey dink von me too, - Und I vas humpugged mit fhladeries, dot's yoost vot dhey do. - Mine Fadder, Mudder, Gabruder der same, - Vas loose me some sympadies, und forget vonce mine name; - Und dot raskals who comes of me in der tarkness py nite, - Vood gone more as a plocks to got out of mine site, - Der coat von mine leeks und poots of mine toe, - Vas not gleaner as doze of dot goot-lookin shnow. - - It was gweer it shood been dot dot goot-lookin shnow - Vood make on a pad mans mit novhere to go; - Und how gweer it vood been, vhen yoost pehindt tay, - Ofer der hail und das vind mit mine pody vood pblay, - Hobbin, skibben, und me dedt like an eel-- - Mine mat vas got oop, never a vord could I shpeil, - To been zeen py der peobles who vas valk der town, - Who vas dickled mit pbleasures, of der shnow vas come down, - I yoost lay der ground, und gone died mit a woe, - Mid a pedgwilts und billows, von der goot-lookin shnow. - - - - -HOW JAKE SCHNEIDER WENT BLIND. - - -In Germantown, near Philadelphia, several years ago, a native, -simple-minded Dutchman, named Jacob Schneider, kept a liquor and -lager-beer saloon. Jacob was not only fond of drinking lager with -his customers, but would not refuse either corn-juice, red-eye, or -Jersey lightning, when asked to imbibe thereof in a social way--the -customer, of course, paying an extra half-dime for Jacob's drink. One -would not suppose that this friendly habit could, by any possibility, -bring trouble and vexation upon honest Jacob; but it did, as we shall -presently show. - -One eventful night it was observed that Schneider had shut up his -saloon and gone home full an hour earlier than usual. Being asked, next -day, what was the matter, he told the following droll story:-- - -"I shut up mine blace pecause I vas mat as ter tyfel, and vas humpugged -into der pargain. I'll tell you 'pout it. Yer see, dree or four young -shcamps gomes into mine saloon, and one says to me, 'Yacob, you got -some fresh lager?' I says 'yaas,' and I draws der lager; anoder von -says he vants gards, and I prings de gards, and da blays gards. Pimeby -noder says, 'Yacob, old poy, let's have some red-eye! and mind you, -Yacob, pring an extra glass for yourself.' Vell den, I prings der -pottle of ret-eye, and da drinks two dree dimes, and I drinks mit 'em -two dree dimes; and I gets so tam trunk dat I lies down on der pench -and goes to shleep. Ven I vakes up, der room ish dark as der tyfel, put -I hears der young chaps calling der gards; von says, 'bass!' nodder -says, 'left power!--right power!' den nodder von, he says, 'uker'd!' -and shwears like a drooper. Da vas all blaying at der taple, shust as -da vas ven I goes to shleep, but mine eyes vas nix--I could shust see -notting at all--the room vas bitch dark. So I dinks I vas plind, and I -feel pad, and I cry out, 'Oh, mine Gott! I p'lieve I'm shtruck plind!' -Den der young chaps leaves der taple and gomes vhere I vas, and makes -p'leeve da very sorry. One says, 'Poor Yacob! you can no see--vat -vill der poor man's vamerly do!' Nodder call me poor cuss, and says -I no pusiness to trink noding stronger dan lager. I got mat den--mat -as dunder--and I says to him, 'Vy, den, you vants me to drink it mit -you? I p'leeve you put shtuff in der liquor to make me plind!' Den he -laughs at me, and says I needn't trink if I didn't pe a mind to. Shust -den von little poy gomes to der door mit a lantern, and I finds der -drick da vas blaying me--I see shust as goot as ever! Der rascals had -plow out der lights, and make p'leeve play uker to vool me! I told 'em -'twas all humpug, and they petter glear out, for I vouldn't light up no -more. Dat's vat mine shaloon vas shut up for." - - - - -THE DUTCHMAN AND THE RAVEN. - - - Vonce upon a midnite dreary, as I pondered, veak and veary, - Ofer many a glass of lager, vot I drank in days of yore, - In my bed I vas faschd nabbing, ven I dream I heert some dapping, - As if some von gently drowing brickbats at my voodshed door; - "Dis dot Snyder poy," I muttered, "trying to preak my voodshed door-- - Only dis, und noding more." - - Yah, disdinctly I remember, it was in dot pleak December, - Und each seberate dying ember vos gone oud long pefore; - Dot nide I felt quoide heardy, for Louise vent to a bardy, - Und of cause I drunk more lager as I nefer did pefore; - But schdill I know dot somedings sthruck my oudside voodshed door-- - Only dot, und noding more. - - From oud mine bed I makes von jumb, und see vot vos dis drubble, - Mine Got! vot makes mine legs so veak? I feel so not pefore; - I sckarce could valk, I could not talk, mine mind was in a muddle; - But I dought vas Johnny Snyder dryin' to open schud mine door, - Und mit cabbage-sdumps to hit me, as he often doned pefore-- - Dis I said, und noding more. - - Py und py I vos got praver; den I takes mine gun and sabre, - Und schloly valks, midout mine pants, up to mine voodshed door; - Und dare for von half hour I sdood mitout no power, - So veak I vos I could not lift mine hands up any more; - But at vonce I got more polder, und I opened vide de door-- - Plack as darkness, noding more. - - Deep into dot plackness peeping, all around mine voodshed creeping, - Dreaming dreams no Dutchman efer dare to dream pefore. - Der silence vos unbroken, und der sdillness gave no token; - But I hear somepody spoken, "You vill vare dem pants no more." - "Vot is dot?" I cried, and someding answered back the vord, "No more." - Merely dis, und noding more. - - Back indo my bedroom turning, all mine sole mitin me burning, - Den vonce more I heert a tapping, someding louder as pefore. - Now I cries out, "Dunder vedder! vot the devil ish the madder?" - Surely dis ain't Johnny Snyder hitting cabbage mit mine door? - No! I dink dis cannot be, for I bet, by geminee! - 'Twas the vind, und noding more. - - Oben here I flung mine vindow, ven dere all at vonce came into - A ding just like a big plack cat I never saw pefore; - Von fearful vink he gafe me, not von moment sdoped nor sdayed he; - His pack he humped, und den he jumped upon mine bedroom door. - Dare he sat, und noding more. - - The air dew vas so funny, for it schmells no more like honey, - Und den I squease mine nose hard until it vas quide sore; - Den vonce I cried mid all my mide, "I vant to vare mine pants to-night, - Und of you dink dot I vos dighd, chust chumped down of dot floor;" - Again I heard it gently say: "You'll vare dem pants no more." - Dis it said, und noding more. - - "Profid," said I, "ding of efil; profid sdill, if dorg or devil, - For vot you comes into mine house? I vant you here no more; - Leafe no ding here as a doken of dot lie vich you hafe spoken; - You go home, I vas not joking, for I told you vonce pefore, - Chust dake dot smell frum out mine house, und jump down off mine door!" - But it vinked, und said no more. - - - - -THE DUTCHMAN WHO GAVE MRS. SCUDDER THE SMALL-POX. - - -Some years ago, a droll sort of a Dutchman was the driver of a stage in -New Jersey, and he passed daily through the small hamlet of Jericho. -One morning, just as the vehicle was starting from Squash Point, a -person came up and requested the driver to take in a small box, and -"leave it at Mrs. Scudder's, third house on the left after you get into -Jericho." - -"Yaas, oh yaas, Mr. Ellis, I knows der haus!" said the driver," I -pleeve der voman dakes in vashin', vor I always sees her mit her -clothes hung out." - -"You're right, that's the place," said Ellis (for that was the man's -name), "she washes for one of the steamboats." - -The box was thereupon duly deposited in the front boot, the driver took -his 'leven-penny bit for carrying it, and the stage started on its -winding way. In an hour or two, the four or five houses comprising the -village of Jericho hove in sight. In front of one of them, near the -door, a tall, muscular woman was engaged at a wash-tub; while lines of -white linen, fluttering in the wind, ornamented the adjoining lawn. The -stage stopped at the gate, when the following ludicrous dialogue, and -attendant circumstances, took place:-- - -Driver--Is dis Miss Scutter's haus? - -Woman [looking up, without stopping her work,]--Yes, I'm Mrs. Scudder. - -Driver--I'fe got der small pox in der stage; vill you come out and dake -it? - -Woman [suddenly throwing down the garment she was washing]--Got the -small-pox! Mercy on me! why do you stop here, you wicked man? You'd -better be off, quick as you can. [Runs into the house.] - -Driver mutters to himself--I vonder vat's der matter mit der fool; I'fe -goot mind to drow it over der fence. - -Upon second thought, he takes the box, gets off the stage, and carries -it into the house. But in an instant he reappears, followed by a broom -with an enraged woman at the end of it, who is shouting in a loud -voice-- - -"You git out of this! clear yourself quicker! You've no business to -come here exposing decent people to the small-pox; what do you mean by -it?" - -"I dells you it's der shmall _pox_!" exclaimed the Dutchman, -emphasising the word box as plainly as he could--"Ton't you -versteh?--der shmall _pox_ dat Misther Ellis sends to you." - -But Mrs. Scudder was too much excited to comprehend this explanation, -even if she had listened to it. Having it fixed in her mind that there -was a case of small-pox on the stage, and that the driver was asking -her to take into the house a passenger thus afflicted, her indignation -knew no bounds. "Clear out!" exclaimed she, excitedly, "I'll call the -men folks if you don't clear!" and then shouting at the top of her -voice, "Ike! you Ike! where are you?" Ike soon made his appearance, and -inquired-- - -"W-what's the matter, mother?" - -The driver answered--"I dells you now onct more, for der last time, -I'fe got der shmall pox; and Misther Ellis he dells me to gif it to -Miss Scutter, and if dat vrow ish Miss Scutter, vy she no dake der pox?" - -By this time several of the passengers had got off the stage to see the -fun, and one of them explained to Mrs. Scudder that it was a box, and -not small-pox, that the driver wished to leave with her. - -The woman had become so thoroughly frightened that she was still -incredulous, until a bright idea struck Ike. - -"Oh, mother!" exclaimed he," I know what 'tis--it's Madame Ellis's box -of laces, sent to be done up." - -With this explanation the affair was soon settled, and Mistress Scudder -received the Dutchman's "shmall pox" amidst the laughter and shouts of -the occupants of the old stage-coach. The driver joined in, although -he had not the least idea of what they were laughing at, and as the -vehicle rolled away, he added not a little to the mirth by saying, in -a triumphant tone of voice, "I vas pound ter gif der old vomans der -shmall pox, vether she vould dake it or not!" - - - - -ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN. - - - Macphairson Clonglocketty Angus McClan - Was the son of an elderly laboring man. - You've guessed him a Scotchman, shrewd reader, at sight, - And p'r'aps altogether, shrewd reader, you're right. - - From the bonnie blue Forth to the beastly Deeside, - Round by Dingwell and Wrath to the mouth of the Clyde, - There wasn't a child or a woman or man - Who could pipe with Clonglocketty Angus McClan. - - No other could wake such detestable groans - With reed and with chaunter, with bag and with drones. - All day and all night he delighted the chiels - With sniggering pibrochs and jiggety reels. - - He'd clamber a mountain and squat on the ground, - And the neighboring maidens would gather around - To list to his pipes and to gaze in his een, - Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen. - - All loved their McClan, save a Sassenach brute - Who came to the Highlands to fish and to shoot. - He dressed himself up in a Highlander way; - Though his name it was Pattison Corby Torbay. - - Torbay had incurred a good deal of expense - To make him a Scotchman in every sense; - But this is a matter, you'll readily own, - That isn't a question of tailors alone. - - A Sassenach chief may be bonnily built; - He may purchase a sporran, a bonnet, and kilt; - Stick a skean in his hose--wear an acre of stripes-- - But he cannot assume an affection for pipes. - - Clonglocketty's pipings all night and all day - Quite frenzied poor Pattison Corby Torbay. - The girls were amused at his singular spleen, - Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen. - - "Macphairson Clonglocketty Angus, my lad, - With pibrochs and reels you are driving me mad. - If you really must play on that horrid affair, - My goodness, play something resembling an air." - - Boiled over the blood of Macphairson McClan-- - The Clan of Clonglocketty rose as one man; - For all were enraged at the insult, I ween, - Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen. - - "Let's show," said McClan," to this Sassenach loon - That the bagpipes can play him a regular tune. - Let's see," said McClan, as he thoughtfully sat, - "'_In my Cottage_' is easy,--I'll practise at that." - - He blew at his "Cottage," and he blew with a will, - For a year, seven months, and a fortnight, until - (You'd hardly believe it) McClan, I declare, - Elicited something resembling an air. - - It was wild--it was fitful--as wild as the breeze: - It wandered about into several keys. - It was jerky, spasmodic, and harsh, I'm aware; - But still it distinctly suggested an air. - - The Sassenach screamed, and the Sassenach danced; - He shrieked in his agony, bellowed and pranced. - And the maidens who gathered rejoiced at the scene, - Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen. - - "Hech gather, hech gather, hech gather around; - And fill a' ye lugs wi' the exquisite sound. - An air fra' the bagpipes--beat that if you can! - Hurrah for Clonglocketty Angus McClan!" - - The fame of his piping spread over the land: - Respectable widows proposed for his hand, - And maidens came flocking to sit on the green, - Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen. - - One morning the fidgety Sassenach swore - He'd stand it no longer--he drew his claymore, - And (this was, I think, in extremely bad taste) - Divided Clonglocketty close to the waist. - - Oh, loud were the wailings for Angus McClan! - Oh, deep was the grief for that excellent man! - The maids stood aghast at the horrible scene, - Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen. - - It sorrowed poor Pattison Corby Torbay - To find them "take on" in this serious way. - He pitied the poor little fluttering birds, - And solaced their souls with the following words:-- - - "O maidens!" said Pattison, touching his hat, - "Don't blubber, my dears, for a fellow like that; - Observe, I'm a very superior man, - A much better fellow than Angus McClan." - - They smiled when he winked and addressed them as "dears," - And they all of them vowed, as they dried up their tears, - A pleasanter gentleman never was seen-- - Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen. - - W. S. GILBERT. - - - - -A DUTCH SERMON. - - -Mine friends, ven first you come here, you was poor; and now, friends, -you is prout; and you's gotten on your unicorns, ant dem vits you like -a dongs upon a hog's pack. Now, mine friends, let me dell you dis: a -man is a man if he's no pigger as my dumb. Ven Tavid vent out to fight -mit Goliah, he dook noting vid him but one sling. Now don't mistake -me, mine friends: it vas not a rum sling; no, nor a gin sling; no, -nor a mint vater sling; no: it was a sling made mit an hickory stick. -Now, ven Goliah sees Tavid coming, "You little dampt scoundrel, does -you comes to vight me? I vill give you to de birds of de fielt, and de -peasts of de air!" Tavid says, "Goliah, Goliah, de race is not always -mit de shwift, nor ish de battle mit de strong; and a man is a man if -he's no pigger ash my dumb." So Tavid he fixes a shtone in his sling, -and he drows it at Goliah, and knocks him rite in de vorehead; and -den Tavid takes Goliah's swort, and cuts off his head; and den all de -pretty cals comes out and strewed flowers in his way, and sung, "Saul -is a creat man, vor he has kilt his tousands; put Tavid is creater as -he, vor he has kilt Goliah." Now, mine friends, when you coes out to -vight mit te rebels, remember vat I dell you,--dat a man is a man if -he's no pigger as my dumb. - - - - -SHACOB'S LAMENT. - - - Oxcoose me if I shed some tears, - Und wipe my nose avay; - Und if a lump vos in my troat, - It comes up dere to shtay. - - My sadness I shall now unfoldt; - Und if dot tale of woe - Don'd do some Dutchmans any good, - Den I don't pelief I know. - - You see I fall myself in love; - Und effery night I goes - Across to Brooklyn by dot pridge, - All dressed in Sunday clothes. - - A vidder vomans vos der brize, - Her husband he vos dead; - Und all alone in this colt vorldt, - Dot vidder vos, she said. - - Her heart for love vos on der pine, - Und dot I like to see; - Und all der time I hoped dot heart - Vos on der pine for me. - - I keeps a butcher shop, you know, - Und in a stocking stout, - I put avay my gold and bills, - Und no one gets him oudt. - - If in der night some bank cashier - Goes skipping off mit cash, - I shleep so sound as nefer vos, - Vhile rich folks go to shmash. - - I court dot vidder sixteen months, - Dot vidder she courts me; - Und vhen I says, "Vill you be mine?" - She says, "You bet I'll be!" - - Ve vos engaged--oh, blessed fact! - I squeeze dot dimpled hand; - Her head upon my shoulder lays, - Shust like a bag of sand. - - "Before der vedding day vos set," - She vispers in mine ear, - "I like to say I haf to use - Some cash, my Jacob, dear. - - "I owns dis house and two big farms, - Und ponds und railroad shtock; - Und up in Yonkers I bossess - A grand big peesness block. - - "Der times vos dull, my butcher boy, - Der market vos no good; - Und if I sell"--I squeezed her handt - To show I understood. - - Next day--oxcoose my briny tears-- - Dot shtocking took a shrink; - I counted out twelf hundred in - Der cleanest kind o' chink. - - Und later, by two days or more, - Dot vidder shlopes avay; - Und leaves a note behindt for me, - In vhich dot vidder say,-- - - "DEAR SHAKE:-- - - Der rose vas redt, - Der violet blue-- - You see I've left, - Und you're left, too!" - - - - -MR. SCHMIDT'S MISTAKE. - - -I geeps me von leedle schtore town Proadway, und does a pooty goot -peesnis; bud I ton't got mooch gapital to vork mit, so I finds id hard -vork to get me all der gredits vot I vould like. Last veek I hear -aboud some goots dot a barty vas going to sell pooty sheap, und so I -writes dot man if he vould gife me der refusal of dose goots for a -gouple a days. He gafe me der refusal; dot is, he sait I gouldn't haf -dem. But he sait he vould gall on me, und see mine sthore; and den if -mine schtanding in peesnis vas goot, berhaps ve might do somedings -togedder. Vell, I vas behint mine gounter yesderday, ven a shentleman -gomes in, und dakes me py der hant, und say, "Mr. Schmidt, I pelieve." -I say, "Yaw," und den I dinks to mineself, "Dis vas de man vot has -dose goots to sell, und I musd dry to make some goot imbression mit -him so ve gould do some peesnis."--"Dis vas goot schtore," he says, -looking aroundt; "bud you ton't got a pooty pig schstock already." I -vas avraid to let him know dot I only hat 'bout a tousand tollars voort -off goots in der blace, so I says, "You ton't vould dink I hat more as -dree tousand tollars in dis leedle schtore, aind id?" He says, "You -ton't tole me! Vos dot bossible?" I says, "Yaw." I meant dot id _vas -bossible_, dough id vasn't so; vor I vas like Shorge Vashingtons ven -he cut town der "olt elm" on Poston Gommons mit his leedle hadget, und -gouldn't dell some lies aboudt id. "Vell," says der schentleman, "I -dinks you ought to know petter as anypody else vot you haf got in der -schtore;" und den he dakes a leedle book vrom his bocket oudt, und say, -"Vell, I poots you town vor dree tousand tollars." I ask him vat he -means py "poots me town;" und den he says he vas von off der daxmen, or -assessors of broperty, und he tank me so kindly as nefer vos, because -he say I vos sooch an honest Deutscher, und tidn't dry und sheat der -gofermants. I dells you vat it vos, I tidn't veel any more petter as a -hundord ber cent, ven dot man valks oudt off mine schtore, und der nexd -dime I makes free mit sdrangers, I vinds first deir peesnis oudt. - - CHARLES F. ADAMS. - - - - -JOHN AND TIBBIE DAVISON'S DISPUTE. - - - John Davison and Tibbie, his wife, - Sat toasting their taes ae nicht, - When something startit in the fluir, - And blinkit by their sicht. - - "Guidwife," quoth John, "did ye see that moose? - Whar sorra was the cat?" - "A moose?"--"Aye, a moose."--"Na, na, guidman: - It was'na a moose, 'twas a rat!" - - "Ow, ow, guidwife! to think ye've been - Sae lang aboot the hoose, - An' no to ken a moose frae a rat! - Yon was'na a rat! 'twas a moose!" - - "I've seen mair mice than you, guidman,-- - An' what think ye o' that? - Sae haud your tongue, an' say nae mair, - I tell ye, it was a rat!" - - "_Me_ haud my tongue for _you_, guidwife! - I'll be mester o' this hoose: - I saw't as plain as een could seet, - An' I tell ye, it was a moose!" - - "If you're the mester o' the hoose, - It's I'm the mistress o't; - An' _I_ ken best what's in the hoose: - Sae I tell ye, it was a rat!" - - "Weel, weel, guidwife, gae mak' the brose, - An' ca' it what ye please." - So up she rose, and made the brose, - While John sat toasting his taes. - - They supit, and supit, and supit the brose, - And aye their lips played smack: - They supit, and supit, and supit the brose, - Till their lugs began to crack. - - "Sic fules we were to fa' oot, guidwife, - Aboot a moose."--"A what? - It's a lee ye tell; an' I say again - It was'na a moose; 'twas a rat!" - - "Wad ye ca' me a leear to my very face? - My faith, but ye craw croose! - I tell ye, Tib, I never will bear't! - 'Twas a moose!"--"'Twas a rat!"--"'Twas a moose!" - - Wi' her spoon she strack him ower the pow. - "Ye dour auld doit, tak' that; - Gae to your bed, ye canker'd sumph,-- - 'Twas a rat!"--"'Twas a moose!"--"'Twas a rat!" - - She sent the brose caup at his heels, - As he hirpled ben the hoose; - Yet he shoved oot his head as he steekit the door, - And cried, "'Twas a moose! 'twas a moose!" - - But when the carle was fast asleep, - She paid him back for that, - And roared into his sleepin' lug, - "'Twas a rat! 'twas a rat! 'twas a rat!" - - The de'il be wi' me if I think - It was a beast ava!-- - Neist mornin', as she sweepit the fluir, - She faund wee Johnnie's ba'! - - ROBERT LEIGHTON. - - - - -FRITZ UND I. - - - Mynheer, blease helb a boor oldt man, - Vot gomes vrom Sharmany, - Mit Fritz, mine tog und only freund, - To geep me gompany. - - I haf no gelt to puy mine pread, - No blace to lay me down, - For ve vas vanderers, Fritz und I, - Und strangers in der down. - - Some beoples gife us dings to eadt, - Und some dey kicks us oudt, - Und say, "You ton't got peesnis here, - To sdroll der schtreets aboudt!" - - Vot's dat you say? You puy mine tog - To gife me pread to eadt? - I vas so boor as nefer vas, - But I vas no "tead peat." - - Vot! sell mine tog, mine leetle tog, - Dot vollows me aboudt, - Und vags his dail, like anydings, - Yene'er I dakes him oudt! - - Schust look at him, und see him schump! - He likes me pooty vell; - Und dere vas somedings 'bout dat tog, - Mynheer, I vouldn't sell. - - "Der collar?" Nein, 'tvas somedings else - Vrom vich I gould not bart; - Und if dot ding vas dook avay, - I dinks it prakes mine heart. - - "Vot vas it, den, aboudt dat tog," - You ashk, "dat's not vor sale?" - I dells you vat it ish, mine freund: - Tish der vag off dat tog's dail! - - CHARLES F. ADAMS. - - - - -A TUSSLE WITH IMMIGRANTS. - - -The Ethnological Society of North America wished me to photograph types -of immigrants arriving from Europe, at New York. - -Castle Garden is where all steerage passengers land; and I was allowed -every facility by the authorities. - -I began with an Italian, swarthy, under-sized, dressed in velveteen, -and scented with garlic. As I placed him in front of the camera, he -said:-- - -"Ah been here before. Ah no greenhorn. Ah know the ropes a. You take a -pictura don't cost you a centa; you don't pay me a dolla; ah make ah -face a so you don't getta the pictura. You don't picka me up a sardine. -I sale the banana lass year in New York." - -A Frenchman was the next subject. Tall, meagre, polite, and talkative. - -"Sare," he remarked, "ze photographie ees not to me for ze first -taime. Ze art of all kind faind himself at home in ma countrie--_la -belle France_. I also am artist. I make ze wall papaire to beautify ze -house. I am artist in ze pastepot, and ze scissaires. To faind already -a brothaire artist makes me to weep. Excuse me zat I weep. I remove to -you ze hat; I salute ze veritable artist." Then this artist tried to -kiss me, and because I repulsed him stood in gloomy majesty while I -photographed him. - -Following my French friend, a Scotchman was brought. He wished me to -take pictures of his entire family--eleven in all--and when informed -that only types, not families, were required, he broke forth:-- - -"I'm no able exactly to see why types should be needed, and no -families. A type is guid eneugh thing gin ye'll want to prent a -paper, but a lairge family o' braw lads an' bonnie lasses gangs a -lang distance in a new land, an' I'm free to say my ain family is the -lairgest ye'll see frae the ship." - -Even the stolid immigrants had to smile when the next subject was -brought. He was a young German, tight-sleeved, long-skirted, smiling, -and chatty. - -"Vell! Py jimmeny! you took my picture mid a box! How you done it I -gifs oop! Und you told me ov I move I spoil him alretty. Den I don'd -move. Ov a flea pites me, I don'd move,--ov you don'd stand me too -long. Ov a man gifs me a glass of peer, I don'd move. Ov I got hungry, -I don'd go to dinner all der vile. I shoost stand here like I vas a -dellygraff bole! Don'd it?" - -I finished the morning's work with a splendid specimen of a young -Irishman, who had, I suspect, been injudiciously "treated" by his -friends. - -As I placed him before the camera, he said:-- - -"Av' it's taking aim ye are, don't say I thrimbled. God knows I'm -willin' an' proud to die for ould Oireland! Foire! ye base murdherer, -to desthroy me the day I kem ashore!" - -Matters were explained, and he apologized. - -"Why didn't ye say ye wouldn't shoot? How would I know ye didn't have -dynamite in yer box? Av its only the picthure av me mug you want, take -it an' welkim. I'm no pig to be wantin' to kape a threasure hid from -the wurruld." - -In departing I explained to the group that I would present each one -with a copy of his picture if their addresses were furnished, and a -Babel of words followed me. - -"Ah don't want a picture a. Ah want a dolla!" - -"Sare, I am _comble de l'honneur_. I zank you, sare!" - -"I'm vara muckle ableeged till ye. I'll tak' a dozen on the same -tairms." - -"Ov I don'd send you dot address, never mind; you send me dot bicture, -ennyhow!" - -"Faith! Amerika's a darlin' counthry! The best word I got at home was, -Leve the way, ye vagabone! Here it is, Misther O'Ryan, will it plaze ye -have yer picther taken, an' where'll we send it for ye?" - - PHILIP DOUGLASS. - - - - -A DOKETOR'S DRUBBLES. - - - I youst to bin a doketor vonce, - Vat koored all kints ov gases; - Und in my bragtis I have met - A goot mainy _deaferent_ fases. - - Vor dwendy milse round vere I leved, - De beeple vas gwite seekly; - Boud vonce a veek I galled arount, - Und zo I vound um veekly. - - Soam vas seek mit vone decease, - Und soam dey had anoder, - Und soam you vooden't doght vood leve - Vrom one ent do de oder. - - Bud pooty soon I vound dot oud - My bocket book was dhry, - Und also my oxpensays - Vas runing oval high. - - So I vent oud gollecting; - Bud aifery vere I vent, - My batients vas oxhorseted,-- - Dey vas not vort a cendt. - - Und I vent und seed vone men, - He vas briefing hees preath lasht; - I doght de gwicker I got dot, - De sooner it vas kashed. - - So I showed de men hees node, - Und I dold heem do pay; - Hees dime vas shoost up, - Dot vos hees lasht tay. - - Hees hands vas in each bocked, - Und dots vy I doght so sdrange; - He died--und hees lasht vords vas, - "I don'd veel ainy shange." - - Und vone sed do me, "Doketor, - Howefer can I pay? - You know dot I'm not aple-- - I'm _vailing_ afery tay." - - Und anoder vailer dold me, - "Shoost valk you ride avay; - You got dot oll vat's due you - Ven comes de shoodgment-tay." - - I eshked vone men vor hees sheck, - Id vas yoost pefore hees deadth; - But I vound he hadn't no dime, - He vas drawing hees lasht breadth. - - Und I found _dish vash_ de drubble-- - Een my kase ainy vay-- - De beeple vot I doketored - Heddent _cents_ enoff to bay. - - You'f hurt dot goot old sayink, - Verein dot goot pook says-- - I dink id combs out desewise-- - "Soam rools ken vork bote vays." - - Und so it ess mit de doketor; - Of he eshkt a man to bay, - Und he tails him, "I ken't do id," - Hees shoor to die dot day. - - I vent beck to my offus, - Veeling dired dru und dru; - Und togedder mit dese drubble - I vash med and shleeby doo. - - I lade down on de sofy, - Und dried to haive a shnooze; - Bud een a doketors' offus, - Dot didn't vas no youse. - - I hurt soam kolling, "Doketor!" - Und I run ub do my shbout, - Und dese vords vent his ears down: - "_Vat's de metter mit your mout?_" - - Und den dot failer holleret,-- - Hees woice vas shdrong und glear, - Und dese vords vent de shpout oop,-- - "Dooce Dr. Sholtz leve hier?" - - Und gwickly beck my an-swear - Dot shbout vas goin dro: - "Dr. Sholtz, dot vas my name, sir, - Vat vood you hev me doo?" - - "Now let me eshk you doketor; - You shoore I'fe got dot righd? - Ish your name _Dr. Vriederick Sholtz_?" - Hee yelt mit oll hees mighd. - - I doght dot men was crazy-- - Oar meppy he vas dight. - I sed, "Yaas--'tvas Doketor Vriederick Sholtz, - Vat you vant dese dime off nighd?" - - Und I vas zo oxtonished, - Bud de naixt dings vat I hear, - Ven dot failer dold me, "Doketor, - How long hev you leefed hier?" - - Un den I vas oxcited, - I felt yooust like a row; - I sed, "I'fe leefed hier dwendy years: - Vat you vant, ainyhow?" - - Dot men he vas a villane, - Und dot's yoost vat I kin brove; - He singed oud to me lowdly, - "Vat's de reason you dond moofe?" - - I run down dru de shdairvay, - Und oud into de shdreed; - Bud I only hurt de bavemends - Klattering fashd agenshd hees feed. - - I reely dink sooch ekshuns - Shoot not be oferlooked; - Of I kood kaitch dot failer-- - Py cosh, hees coose vas kooked! - - Now I vood say doo de doketors, - Yoost pefore id vas doo late, - Dond naifer loose your batients, - Und you'll suckseed fushtrate. - - No metter vots de reason, - You naifer shood get vexed; - You may loose your bay in dese vorldt, - Bud you'll get id in de next. - - GEORGE M. WARREN. - - - - -CHARLIE MACHREE. - - - Come over, come over the river to me, - If ye are my laddie, bold Charlie Machree! - Here's Mary McPherson and Susy O'Linn, - Who say ye're faint-hearted, and dare not plunge in. - But the dark, rolling river, though deep as the sea, - I know cannot scare you, nor keep you from me; - For stout is your back, and strong is your arm, - And the heart in your bosom is faithful and warm. - Come over, come over the river to me, - If ye are my laddie, bold Charlie Machree! - I see him! I see him! He's plunged in the tide! - His strong arms are dashing the big waves aside. - Oh! the dark, rolling water shoots swift as the sea, - But blithe is the glance of his bonnie blue e'e; - His cheeks are like roses, twa buds on a bough,-- - Who says ye're faint-hearted, my brave laddie, now? - Ho, ho! foaming river, ye may roar as ye go; - But ye canna bear Charlie to the dark loch below. - Come over, come over the river to me, - My true-hearted laddie, _my_ Charlie Machree! - He's sinking! he's sinking! Oh, what shall I do! - Strike out, Charlie, boldly, ten strokes, and ye're through. - He's sinking, oh, Heaven! Ne'er fear, man, ne'er fear: - I've a kiss for ye, Charlie, as soon as ye're here! - He rises: I see him--five strokes, Charlie, mair-- - He's shaking the wet from his bonnie brown hair; - He conquers the current, he gains on the sea. - Ho, where is the swimmer like Charlie Machree! - Come over the river, but once come to me, - And I'll love ye forever, dear Charlie Machree! - He's sinking! he's gone! O God! it is I, - It is I who have killed him! Help! help!--he must die. - Help! help! Ah! he rises! Strike out, and ye're free! - Ho, bravely done, Charlie, once more, now, for me! - Now cling to the rock, now give me your hand,-- - Ye're safe, dearest Charlie, ye're safe on the land! - Come rest on my bosom, if there ye can sleep: - I canna speak to ye; I only can weep. - Ye've crossed the wild river, ye've risked all for me, - And I'll part frae ye never, dear Charlie Machree! - - WILLIAM J. HOPPIN. - - - - -A DUTCHMAN'S DOLLY VARDEN. - - -Vell, mine freund, you know dat I hav on my het dat leedle bump der -frenollogiggers say dat I hav great like for de ladies, aind it? Vell, -I vas goin' down de shtreet der tay after yesterday, und ven I comes to -der blace vat dey calls der corner, so der shtreet mit anoder shtreet -makes a nice leetle cross oder der leetle saw-buck, you know vat dat -is? So soon I comes to der blace, vot you tink? A nice leetle poy mit -great many papers in der hand goes by, and shust so soon as he goes by -he gifs me von leetle paper mitout notings. But it vas padder as vorse -vot I took dot leetle paper, and den I goes and makes me von mineself -von great pig fool. Vat you tink I on dot paper find,--you no guess dot -in twelve tousand year. I dell you vot I see on dot. It vas like diss: -"Come und see your Dolly Varden. She is lovely; she is putiful; she is -rich! You can she hav for most notings." Den der leetle paper gives der -number von der shtreet vare I could she find. It vas said Mr. Shteward, -py Proatvay oud. So soon I reads dot petter as goot, mine heart makes -me von pitty-pat, knock-knock. You know vat dat is. I no more knows -vare I lif, oder var I vas goin'. Dolly Varden! She vas rich; she vas -lovely; she vas putiful; und Dolly, dot vas shust so nice names, aind -it? Und der leetle poy dat me dot paper gives, made he on dot paper say -dot I can she hav for most notings. Der firsht ding vot mine eye come -against vas von dose leetle shticks mit der great American flag round -him, vot says dot dere viskers be taken off dere, und der hair be so -bright and shining made, also der placking boots. Denn I goes right -dere, und I pays dot man fifteen cent--fifteen cent! mind you dot! vile -dot he make mine hair der vay vot I shpeak von. Den, mit mine het up, -feeling dot I shust so pig as Carl Schurz, I goes after der shtreet for -to git me mine Dolly Varden. I vonders so soon I comes to der blace und -sees der pig shtore shop of Mister Shteward, vedder or not she owns all -dot nice buildings. Anoder leetle poy opens dot door so nicely, unt -he looks me in der face so shmilings dot I tinks praps it vos Dolly's -brudder; und mine heart he goes so hot like fire; most like der pig, -plazing Shecawgo fire. Und I says to der poy, so shweet I could, you -know, "You hav der sister here, aint it?" Denn der poy he look me mit -vonder, und he make dot het go so, like dot. I shpeaks no more mit -der poy, but I goes to der shtand, vare I sees von fine gentleman, und -I says, "I vould dot young lady see, vot der leetle poy givs me paper -von."--"Vot is dot?" says der shentlemans. Denn I says, "I vants mine -Dolly Varden!" Und der man says, "Dolly Varden! come dis vay ven you -blease." Und I follows dot man mit mine heart full von great tremblings -unt joy put togedder, shust like der apple und meat in der mince-pie. -Put vat is dot he do now? He go und show me a leetle piece von cloth, -mit great many putiful color. Denn I say, "You nixverstay me. I no vant -to see her dress. I vould see Dolly Varden she self." Dere goes more -vunder donn der poy hat over der face von der shentlemans, und he say, -"Dis is Dolly Varden." Denn I say, "Dolly Varden! Dolly Varden! Oh! I -no vant such voomans as dot." Und mine mind runs vay mit mine het, unt -mine het runs vay mit mine bodies, und mine bodies runs vay mit mine -feet, und der shtore is vay on der odder side von me. Und ven I see -again on der shtreet dot leetle poy I vould him pants make varm for dot -he gif me so much heart-ache. - -Und denn ven I tinks on vot I pees und vat I used to vas, I feels -I trow fifteen cent avay mitout sufficient cause. Den I feels mit -mineselfs so mad to trow avays fifteen cents--tree glass lager--for -notinks, dat I go very queeck and trown mineself in de try-tock, till I -vas vashit ashore mit a bar of soft-soap. - - ANONYMOUS. - - - - -THE FRENCHMAN AND THE FLEA-POWDER. - -A FAVORITE COMIC RECITATION. - - - A Frenchman once--so runs a certain ditty-- - Had crossed the Straits to famous London city - To get a living by the arts of France, - And teach his neighbor, rough John Bull, to dance. - But, lacking pupils, vain was all his skill: - His fortunes sank from low to lower still. - Until at last,--pathetic to relate,-- - Poor monsieur landed at starvation's gate. - Standing one day beside a cook-shop door, - And gazing in, with aggravation sore, - He mused within himself what he should do - To fill his empty maw, and pocket too. - By nature shrewd, he soon contrived a plan, - And thus to execute it straight began. - A piece of common brick he quickly found, - And with a harder stone to powder ground; - Then wrapped the dust in many a dainty piece - Of paper, labelled "Poison for de Fleas," - And sallied forth, his roguish trick to try, - To show his treasures, and to see who'd buy. - From street to street he cried with lusty yell, - "Here's grand and sovereign _flea-poudare_ to sell!" - And fickle Fortune seemed to smile at last, - For soon a woman hailed him as he passed; - Struck a quick bargain with him for the lot, - And made him five crowns richer on the spot. - Our wight, encouraged by this ready sale, - Went into business on a larger scale; - And soon, throughout all London, scattered he - The "only genuine poudare for de flea." - Engaged one morning in his new vocation - Of mingled boasting and dissimulation, - He thought he heard himself in anger called; - And, sure enough, the self-same woman bawled-- - In not a mild or very tender mood-- - From the same window where before she stood. - "Hey, there," said she, "you Monsher Powder-man! - Escape my clutches now, sir, if you can. - I'll let you dirty, thieving Frenchmen know - That decent people won't be cheated so." - Then spoke monsieur, and heaved a saintly sigh, - With humble attitude and tearful eye: - "Ah, madame! s'il vous plait, attendez vous, - I vill dis leetle ting _explain_ to you. - My poudare gran'! magnifique! why abuse him? - Aha! I show you _how to use him_, - First, you must wait until you _catch de flea_; - Den tickle he on de petite rib, you see; - And when he laugh--aha! he ope his throat; - Den _poke de poudare down_!--BEGAR! HE CHOKE." - - - - -THE FRENCHMAN AND THE SHEEP'S TROTTERS. - -A CELEBRATED COMIC RECITATION. - - - A monsieur from the Gallic shore, - Who, though not over-rich, wished to appear so, - Came over in a ship with friends a score-- - Poor emigrants, whose wealth, good lack! - Dwelt only on their ragged backs-- - Who thought him rich: they'd heard _him_ oft declare so, - For he was proud as Satan's self, - And often bragged about his pelf; - And as a proof--the least - That he could give--he promised when on land, - At the first inn, in style so grand, - To give _a feast_! - The Frenchmen jumped at such an offer. - Monsieur did not forget his proffer; - But at the first hotel on shore, - They stopped to lodge and board. - The Frenchman ordered in his way - A dinner to be done that day; - But here occurred a grievous bore:-- - Monsieur of English knew but little. - Tapps of French knew not a tittle. - In ordering dinner, therefore, 'tis no wonder - That they should make a blunder. - Whether the landlord knew, or no, - The sequel of my tale will show. - He blundered, and it cannot be denied, - To some small disadvantage on his side. - The order seemed immense to Boniface: - But more the expense, to him the greater fun; - For all that from the order he could trace, - Was,--"Messieur Bull, you lettee me have, I say, - Vich for vid cash, I sal you pay, - _Fifteen of those vid vich the sheep do run_!" - From which old Tapps could only understand - (But whether right or wrong, cared not a button), - That what monsieur desired, with air so grand, - _Was fifteen legs of mutton_! - "A dinner most enormous!" cried the elf. - "Zounds! each must eat a leg, near, to himself!" - However, they seemed a set of hungry curs; - And so, without more bother or demurs, - Tapps to his cook his orders soon expressed, - And fifteen legs of mutton quick were dressed. - And now around the table all elate, - The Frenchman's friends the dinner doth await. - Joy sparkled in each hungry urchin's eyes, - When they beheld, with glad surprise, - Tapps quick appear with leg of mutton hot, - Smoking, and just ejected from the pot! - Laughed, stared, and chuckled more and more, - When _two_ they saw, then _three_, then _four_! - And then a _fifth_ their eager glances blessed, - And then a _sixth_, larger than all the rest! - But soon the Frenchman's countenance did change, - To see the legs of mutton on the table. - Surprise and rage by turns - In his face burns, - While Tapps the table did arrange - As nice as he was able. - And while the Frenchmen for the feast prepared, - Thus, in a voice that quite the landlord scared, - Our hero said,-- - "Mon Dieu, monsieur! vy for you make - Dis vera great blundare and mistake? - Vy for you bring to me dese mouton legs?" - Tapps with a bow his pardon begs:-- - "I've done as you have ordered, sir," said he. - "Did you not order _fifteen legs_ of me? - _Six_ of which before your eyes appear, - And _nine besides_ are nearly done down-stair! - Here, John!"--"Go, hang you, Jean! you fool! you ass! - You one great clown to bring me to dis pass: - Take vay dis meat, for vich I sall no pay. - I did no order dat."--"What's that you say?" - Tapps answered with a frown and with a stare, - "You ordered fifteen legs of me, I'll swear, - Or _fifteen things with which the sheep do run_, - Which _means the same_:--I'm not so easy done." - "Parbleu, monsieur! vy you no comprehend? - You may take back de legs unto de pot: - I telle you, sare, 'tis not de legs I vant, - But _dese here leetel tings vid vich de sheep do trot_!" - "Why, hang it!" cried the landlord in a rage, - Which monsieur vainly tried to assuage, - "Hang it!" said he, as to the door he totters: - "Now, after all the trouble that I took, - These legs of mutton both to buy and cook, - It seems instead of _fifteen legs, - You merely wanted fifteen poor sheep's trotters_!" - - - - -I VANT TO FLY. - -A HUMOROUS RECITATION.--FRENCH DIALECT. - - -Shortly before the conclusion of the war with Napoleon, there were a -number of French officers in an inland town on their parole of honor. -Now, one gentleman being tired with the usual routine of eating, -drinking, gambling, smoking, etc., therefore, in order to amuse himself -otherwise, resolved to go a-fishing. His host supplied him with rod -and line, but, being in want of artificial flies, he went in search -of a fishing-tackle maker's shop. Having found one, kept by a plain, -painstaking John Bull, our Frenchman entered, and with a bow, a cringe, -and a shrug of the shoulders, thus began:-- - -"Ah, Monsieur Anglais! comment vous portez-vous?" - -"Eh! that's French," exclaimed the shopkeeper; "not that I understand -it, but I'm very well, if that's what you mean." - -"Bon, bon, ver good; den, sare, I sall tell you, I vant deux fly." - -"I dare say you do, mounseer," replied the Englishman, "and so do a -great many more of your outlandish gentry; but I'm a true-born Briton, -and can never consent to assist the enemies of my country to leave it, -particularly when they cost us so much to bring them here." - -"Ah, monsieur, you no comprehend! I shall repeate, I vant deux fly, on -the top of de vater." - -"Oh! what, you want to fly by water, do you? then I'm sure I can't -assist you; for we are at least a hundred miles from the seacoast, and -our canal is not navigable above ten or twelve miles from here." - -"Diable! sare, you are un stup of the block. I sall tell you once seven -times over again--I vant deux fly on the top of de vater, to dingle -dangle at the end of de long pole." - -"Ay, ay! you only fly, mounseer, by land or water, and if they catch -you, I'll be hanged if they won't dingle dangle you, as you call it, at -the end of a long pole." - -"Sacre un de Dieu! la blas! vat you mean by dat, enfer diable? you are -un bandit jack of de ass, Johnny de Bull. Ba, ba, you are effrontee, -and I disgrace me to parley vid you! I tell you, sare, dat I vant deux -fly on the top of de vater, to dingle dangle at the end of the long -pole, to la trap poisson." - -"What's that you say, you French mounseer--you'll lay a trap to poison -me and all my family, because I won't assist you to escape? why, the -like was never heard. Here, Betty, go for the constable." - -The constable soon arrived, who happened to be as ignorant as the -shopkeeper; and of course, it was not expected that a constable should -be a scholar. Thus the man of office began:-- - -"What's all this? Betty has been telling me that this here outlandish -Frenchman is going to poison you and all your family! Ay, ay, I -should like to catch him at it, that's all! Come, come to prison, you -delinquent." - -"No, sare, I sall not go to de prison; take me before de what you call -it--de ting that nibble de grass?" - -"Nibble grass? You mean sheep?" - -"No, I mean de--de"-- - -"Oh, you mean the cow!" - -"No, sare, not de cow; you stup Johnny bœuf--I mean de cheval, vat you -ride. [Imitating.] Come, sare, gee up. Ah, ha!" - -"Oh, now I know! you mean a horse." - -"No, sare, I mean de horse's vife." - -"What, the mare?" - -"Oui, bon, yes, sare; take me to de mayor." - -This request was complied with; and the French officer soon stood -before the English magistrate, who, by chance, happened to be better -informed than his neighbors, and thus explained the dilemma of the -unfortunate Frenchman, to the satisfaction of all parties:-- - -"You have mistaken the intention of this honest gentleman: he did not -want to fly the country, but to go a-fishing, and for that purpose -went to your shop to purchase two flies, by way of bait, or, as he -expressed it, to la trap la poisson. Poisson, in French, is fish." - -"Why, ay," replied the shopkeeper, "that may be true, you are a -scholard, and so you know better than I. Poison: in French, may be very -good fish, but give me good old English roast beef." - - - - -THE FRENCHMAN'S MISTAKE. - -FRENCH DIALECT RECITATION. - - -Not long since, a sober, middle-aged gentleman was quietly dozing in -one of our railroad-trains, when his pleasant, drowsy meditations were -suddenly interrupted by the sharp voice of the individual by his side. -This was no less a personage than a dandified, hot-blooded, inquisitive -Frenchman, who raised his hairy visage close to that of the gentleman -he addressed. - -"Pardonnez, sare; but vat you do viz ze pictair--_hein_?" - -As he spoke, monsieur pointed to some beautiful steel-plate engravings -in frames, which the quiet gentleman held in his lap, and which suited -the fancy of the little French connoisseur precisely. - -The quiet gentleman looked at the inquisitive foreigner with a scowl -which he meant to be very forbidding, and made no reply. The Frenchman, -nothing daunted, once more approached his hairy visage into that of his -companion, and repeated the question:-- - -"Vat you do viz ze pictair--_hein_?" - -"I am taking them to Salem," replied the quiet gentleman gruffly. - -"Ha! you take 'em to sell 'em!" chimed in the shrill voice of the -Frenchman. "I be glad of zat, by gar! I like ze pictair. I buy 'em of -you, sare. Mow much you ask?" - -"They are not for sale," replied the sleepy gentleman, more thoroughly -awake, by the by, and not a little irritated. - -"_Hein_?" grunted monsieur in astonishment. "Vat you say, sare?" - -"I say I don't want to sell the pictures!" cried the other, at the top -of his voice. - -"By gar! _c'est drole_!" exclaimed the Frenchman, his eye beginning to -flash with passion. "It is one strange circumstance, _parbleu_! I ask -you vat you do viz ze pictair, and you say you take 'em to sell 'em, -and zen you vill not sell 'em! Vat you mean, sare--_hein_?" - -"I mean what I say," replied the other sharply. "I don't want to sell -the engravings, and I didn't say I did." - -"_Morbleu!_" sputtered monsieur, in a tone loud enough to attract -the attention of those of his fellow-travellers who were not already -listening; "_morbleu_! you mean to say I 'ave not any ear? _Non_, -monsieur, by gar I hear ver' well vat you tell me. You say you sell ze -pictair. Is it because I one Frenchman, zat you will not sell me ze -pictair?" - -The irritated gentleman, hoping to rid himself of the annoyance, turned -his back upon his assailant, and made no reply. - -But monsieur was not to be put off thus. He laid his hand on the -shoulder of the other, and, showing his small white teeth, exclaimed,-- - -"_Sacristie!_ monsieur, zis is too muche. You've give me one insult, -and I shall 'ave satisfaction." Still no reply. "By gar, monsieur," -continued the Frenchman, "you are not one gentleman. I shall call you -one _poltroon_--vat you call 'em?--coward!" - -"What do you mean?" retorted the other, afraid the affair was beginning -to get serious. "I haven't insulted you, sir." - -"Pardonnez, monsieur; but it is one grand insult! In America, perhaps -not; but in France, one blow your brains out." - -"For what, pray?" - -"For vat? _Parbleu!_ you call me one _menteur_--how you speak -'em--liar? you call me one liar? you call me one liar?" - -"Oh, no, sir! You misunderstood"-- - -"No, by gar! I've got ears. You say you vill sell ze pictair; and ven I -tell you vat you say, you say ze contrarie--zat is not so!" - -"But I didn't tell you I would sell the pictures," remonstrated the -man with the engravings, beginning to feel alarmed at the passion -manifested by the other. "You misunderstood"-- - -"I tell you no! It is not posseebl'! Ven I ask you vat you do viz ze -pictair, vat you say?" - -"I said I was taking them to Salem." - -"Yes, _parbleu_!" exclaimed monsieur, more angry than ever: "you say -you take 'em to sell 'em"-- - -"No, no!" interrupted the other, "not to _sell them_, but _Salem_--the -city of Salem." - -"Ze city of Sell 'em!" exclaimed the Frenchman, amid the roars of -laughter that greeted his ears. "_Sacristie!_ Zat is one grand mistake. -Pardon, monsieur! _Que je suis bête!_ Ze city of Sell 'em? Ha, ha! -I vill remember zat, by gar!" And he stroked his mustache with his -fingers, while the man with the engravings once more gave way to his -drowsy inclinations. - - - - -"TWO TOLLAR?" - - -[From the Detroit Free Press.] - -There was a slight blaze on the roof of a house on Russell Street a -few days ago; and when the insurance adjusters went up to make their -survey, they found that about two dollars would cover all the loss. - -"Two tollar!" exclaimed the owner when he heard the decision--"I can't -take no two tollar." - -"But you see for yourself that a dozen shingles and an hour's work will -make good all damages." - -"Gentlemens, you doan' put me off like dot. Vhen my vhife finds dot ve -vhas on fire, she screams boleece und murder, und falls down-shtairs. -Vould you let your vhife fall down-shtairs for dot sum? If so, I goes -home mit you und sees der fun." - -"We do not insure husbands and wives, but buildings," was the reply. - -"I know; but mein oldest poy, he runs for der fire-box, und falls a -picket-fence-oafer, und breaks his good clothes all to pieces. Two -tollar! Dot doan' bay me for goming oop here." - -"Yes, but we can only pay for actual damages." - -"Dot's all I vhant. Who stole my dog ven my house vhas on fire? Dot dog -ish gone, und he vhas ten tollar wort." - -"We didn't insure the dog." - -"Und maybe you don't insure dem poys who set on der fence und called -out, 'Dot ole Dutchman's red nose has set his house on fire!' Do you -oxpect I take such sass like dot for two tollar? Und vhen the firemens -come here dey break mein clothes-line down mit der ladders, und dey -spill wasser all oafer my carpets. Two tollar! Vhell, vhell! you go -right avhay from here, und I takes dot old insurance bolicy und steps -him into der mud!" - - - - -A FRENCHMAN ON MACBETH. - - -An enthusiastic French student of Shakspeare thus comments on the -tragedy of Macbeth:-- - -"Ah! your Mossieu' Shak-es-pier! He is -gr-r-aand--mysterieuse--sooblime! You 'ave reads ze Macabess--ze scene -of Mossieu' Macabess vis ze Vitch--eh? Superb sublimitee! W'en he say -to ze Vitch, 'Ar-r-roynt ye, Vitch!' she go away; but what she say -when she go away? She say she will do s'omesing dat aves got no naame! -Ah, ha! she say, 'I go, like ze r-r-aa-t vizout ze tail, but I'll do! -I'll do!' W'at she do? Ah, haviola le graand, mysterieuse Mossieu' -Shak-es-pier! She not say what she do!" - -This was "grand," to be sure; but the prowess of Macbeth, in his "bout" -with Macduff, awakens all the mercurial Frenchman's martial ardor:-- - -"Mossieu' Macabess, he see him come, clos' by: he say (proud -empressement), 'Come-o-o-n, Mossieu' Macduffs, and d----d be he who -first say enuffs!' Zen zey fi-i-ght-moche. Ah, ha! voila! Mossieu' -Macabess, vis his br-r-ight r-r-apier, 'pink' him, vat you call, in -his body. He 'ave gots mal d'estomac: he say, vis grand simplicite, -'Enoffs!' What for he say 'Enoffs'? 'Cause he got enoffs--plaanty: and -he expire r-right away, mediately, pretty quick! Ah, mes amis, Mossieu' -Shak-es-pier is rising man in La Belle France!" - - ANONYMOUS. - - - - -LIKE MOTHER USED TO MAKE. - - - "I was born in Indiany," said a stranger lank and slim, - As us fellers in the restaurant was kind o' guyin' him, - And Uncle Jake was slidin' him another pun'kin pie - And a extra cup o' coffee, with a twinkle in his eye,-- - "I was born in Indiany, more'n forty year ago; - And I hain't been back in twenty, and I'm workin' back'ards slow; - "But I've et in every restarunt 'twixt here and Santa Fee, - And I want to state, this coffee tastes like gittin' home to me! - "Pour us out another, daddy," says the feller, warmin' up, - A-speakin' 'crost a saucerful, as uncle tuck his cup. - "When I seed yer sign out yender," he went on to uncle Jake,-- - "'Come in and git some coffee like your mother used to make,'-- - I thought of my old mother and the Posey-county farm, - And me a little kid agin', a-hangin' on her arm; - And she set the pot a-bilin', broke the eggs, and poured 'em in"-- - And the feller kind o' halted with a trimble in his chin. - And uncle Jake he fetched the feller's coffee back, and stood - As solemn, for a minute, as a undertaker would. - - Then he sort o' turned, and tiptoed to'rds the kitchen-door; and next, - Here comes his old wife out with him, a-rubbin' of her specs; - And she rushes for the stranger, and she hollers out, "It's him! - Thank God, we've met him comin'! Don't you know your mother, Jim?" - And the feller, as he grabbed her, says, "You bet I hain't forgot." - But, wipin' of his eyes, says he, "Your coffee's mighty hot." - - _James Whitcomb Riley, in New-York Mercury._ - - - - -JOHN CHINAMAN'S PROTEST. - - - Melican man no wantee John Chinaman ally mo': - He no slay, "John, you velly good washee." - Not muchee: he slay, "John, I wipee flo' - Withee you if mo' comee this countlee." - What fo' - Melican man - No wantee - John Chinaman - Ally mo'? - - John Chinaman he no gettee dlunk heap: - He mind his own washee, washee, - Alle dayee long, and takee sleep, - Boil watel fo'--wat you call him?--oh, hashee! - What fo' - Melican man - No wantee - John Chinaman - Ally mo'? - - John Chinaman he no punchee head much; - He no, like Melican man, say "Hellee!" - He usee sloap, watel, sclubbin'-blush, - Ebly dayee to help fillee bellee. - What fo' - Melican man - No wantee - John Chinaman - Ally mo'? - - John Chinaman he vellee pool man; - He no have timee to fool away; - He workee allee dayee fast he can: - He no workee, he no gettee pay. - What fo' - Melican man - No wantee - John Chinaman - Ally mo'? - - John Chinaman no loafee lound the sleets; - He workee hald fo' makee livin': - He washee collals, shirtee, cuffee, sheets; - He do no beggin' or no t'iefin. - What fo' - Melican man - No wantee - John Chinaman - Ally mo'? - - John Chinaman he havee no votee: - Is that leason why he no wantee here? - He no go lound 'lection day, and shoutee, - Fightee evelybody smokee cigal, or dlink beer. - What fo' - Melican man - No wantee - John Chinaman - Ally mo'? - - M. F. D. - - - - -THE WHISTLER. - - - "You have heard,"--said a youth to his sweetheart, who stood - While he sat on a corn-sheaf, at daylight's decline,-- - "You have heard of the Danish boy's whistle of wood: - I wish that the Danish boy's whistle were mine." - - "And what would you do with it? Tell me," she said, - While an arch smile played over her beautiful face. - "I would blow it," he answered; "and then my fair maid - Would fly to my side, and would there take her place." - - "Is that all you wish for? Why, that may be yours - Without any magic!" the fair maiden cried: - "A favor so slight one's good-nature secures;" - And she playfully seated herself by his side. - - "I would blow it again," said the youth; "and the charm - Would work so, that not even modesty's check - Would be able to keep from my neck your white arm." - She smiled; and she laid her white arm round his neck. - - "Yet once more I would blow; and the music divine - Would bring me a third time an exquisite bliss,-- - You would lay your fair cheek to this brown one of mine: - And your lips, stealing past it, would give me a kiss." - - The maiden laughed out in her innocent glee,-- - "What a fool of yourself with the whistle you'd make! - For only consider how silly 'twould be - To sit there and whistle for what you might take." - - - - -MOTHER'S DOUGHNUTS. - - - EL DORADO, 1851. - - I've jest bin down ter Thompson's, boys, - 'N' feelin' kind o' blue, - I thought I'd look in at "The Ranch," - Ter find out what wuz new; - When I seen this sign a-hangin' - On a shanty by the lake: - "Here's whar yer gets yer doughnuts - Like yer mother used ter make." - - I've seen a grizzly show his teeth; - I've seen Kentucky Pete - Draw out his shooter, 'n' advise - A "tenderfoot" ter treat; - But nothin' ever tuk me down - 'N' made my benders shake, - Like that sign about the doughnuts - That my mother used ter make. - - A sort o' mist shut out the ranch; - 'N' standin' thar instead, - I seen an old white farmhouse, - With its doors all painted red. - A whiff came through the open door-- - Wuz I sleepin', or awake? - The smell wuz that of doughnuts - Like my mother used ter make. - - The bees wuz hummin' round the porch, - Whar honeysuckles grew; - A yellow dish of apple-sass - Wuz sittin' thar in view; - 'N' on the table, by the stove, - An old-time "johnny-cake," - 'N' a platter full of doughnuts - Like my mother used ter make. - - A patient form I seemed ter see, - In tidy dress of black: - I almost thought I heard the words, - "When will my boy come back?" - 'N' then--the old sign creaked; but now - It was the boss who spake: - "Here's whar yer gets yer doughnuts - Like yer mother used ter make." - - Well, boys, that kind o' broke me up; - 'N' ez I've struck pay gravel, - I ruther think I'll pack my kit, - Vamose the ranch, 'n' travel. - I'll make the old folks jubilant; - 'N' if I don't mistake, - I'll try some o' them doughnuts - Like my mother used ter make. - - _Charles Follen Adams._ - - - - -OVER THE LEFT. - - - Their deposits were _left over night_ in the bank,-- - In a bank without whisper of fault: - The amounts to their credit were placed on the books, - And were left over night in the vault. - - _To their credit_, I say it, the bank was locked tight, - Guarding thus against fire and theft; - A patrol on the walk, and a new 'lectric light, - Throwing beams to the _right_ and the _left_. - - * * * * * - - Just here the cashier he _left over night_, - Taking all but the house and the soil; - And the _long_ and the _short_ of the story is this,-- - He was _too long_ of stocks--_short_ of oil. - - A receiver was called, and he looked o'er the wreck, - And _received_ those who called--thus bereft. - "_Have you nothing left over?_" they timidly ask: - He answers, "_Yes, over the left_." - - _W. C. Dornin._ - - - - -A JOLLY FAT FRIAR. - - - A jolly fat friar loved liquor good store, - And he had drunk stoutly at supper; - He mounted his horse in the night at the door, - And he sat with his face at the crupper. - "Some rogue," quoth the friar, "quite dead to remorse, - Some thief, whom a halter will throttle, - Some scoundrel has cut off the head of my horse - While I was engaged at the bottle, - Which went gluggity, gluggity--glug--glug--glug." - - The tail of the steed pointed south on the dale, - 'Twas the friar's road home straight and level; - But when spurred a horse follows his nose, not his tail, - So he scampered due north like the devil. - "This new mode of docking," the friar then said, - "I perceive doesn't make a horse trot ill; - And 'tis cheap--for he never can eat off his head - While I am engaged at the bottle, - Which goes gluggity, gluggity--glug--glug--glug." - - The steed made a stop--in a pond he had got: - He was rather for drinking than grazing; - Quoth the friar, "'Tis strange, headless horses should trot; - But to drink with their tails is amazing!" - Turning round to see whence this phenomenon rose, - In the pond fell this son of a pottle. - Quoth he, "The head's found, for I'm under his nose; - I wish I were over a bottle, - Which goes gluggity, gluggity--glug--glug--glug." - - ANONYMOUS. - - - - -THE ENOCH OF CALAVERAS. - - - "Well, dog my cats! Say, stranger, - You must have travelled far! - Just flood your lower level - And light a fresh cigar. - Don't tell me in this weather! - You hoofed it all the way? - Well, slice my liver lengthwise! - Why, stranger, what's to pay? - - "Huntin' yer wife, you tell me: - Well, now dog-gone my skin! - She thought you dead and buried - And then bestowed her tin - Upon another fellow! - Just put it here, old pard! - Some fellows strike the soft things, - But you have hit it hard. - - "I'm right onto your feelin's, - I know how it would be, - If my own shrub slopped over - And got away from me. - Say, stranger; that old sage hen, - That's cookin' thar inside, - Is warranted the finest wool, - And just a square yard wide. - - "I wouldn't hurt yer, pardner, - But I tell _you_, no man - Was ever blessed as I am - With that old pelican. - It's goin' on some two year - Since she was j'ined to me, - She was a widder prior, - Her name was Sophy Lee-- - - "Good God! Old man, what's happened? - Her? She? Is that the one? - That's her? Your wife, you tell me? - Now reach down fer yer gun, - I never injured no man, - And no man me, but squealed, - And any one who takes her - Must do it d--d well heeled! - - "Listen? Surely. Certainly - I'll let you look at her. - Peek through the door, she's in thar, - Is that your furnitur'? - Speak, man, quick! You're mistaken! - No! Yours! You recognize - My wife, your wife the same one? - The man who says so, lies! - - "Don't mind what I say, pardner, - I'm not much on the gush, - But this thing comes down on me - Like fours upon a flush. - If that's your wife--hold--steady! - That bottle. Now, my coat, - She'll think me dead as you were. - My pipe. Thar. I'm afloat. - - "But let me leave a message. - No; tell her that I died, - No, no; not that way, either, - Just tell her that I cried. - It don't rain much. Now, pardner, - Be to her what I've been. - Or by the God that hates you, - You'll see me back again!" - - F. BRET HARTE. - - - - -CURLY-HEAD. - - - What are yer askin', stranger, about that lock o' har - That's kep' so nice and keerful in the family Bible thar? - Wal, then, I don't mind tellin', seein' as yer wants ter know. - It's from the head of our baby. Yes, that's him.--Stand up, Joe. - - Joe is our only baby, nigh on ter six foot tall; - And he'll be one-and-twenty comin' this next fall. - But he can't yet beat his daddy in the hay-field or the swales, - A-pitchin' on the wagon, or splittin' up the rails. - - For I was a famous chopper, jest eighteen year ago, - When this strange thing happened, that came to me and Joe. - Curly-head we called him then, sir--his hair is curly yet, - But them long silky ringlets I never shall forget. - - Them was tough times, stranger, when all around was new, - And all the kentry forests, with only "blazes" through. - We lived in the old log-house then, Sally and me and Joe, - In the old Black-river country, whar we made our clearin' show. - - Wal, one day I was choppin' nigh to our cabin door,-- - A day that I'll remember till kingdom come and more,-- - And Curly-head was playin' around among the chips; - A beauty, if I do say it, with rosy cheeks and lips. - - I don't know how it happened; but quicker'n I can tell, - Our Curly-head had stumbled, and lay thar whar he fell - On the log that I was choppin', with his yellow curls outspread; - And the heavy axe was fallin' right on his precious head; - - The next thing, I knew nothin', and all was dark around. - When I come to, I was lyin' stretched out thar on the ground; - And Curly-head was callin', "O daddy, don't do so!" - I caught him to my bosom, my own dear little Joe. - - All safe, sir. Not a sliver had touched his little head; - But one of his curls was lyin' thar on the log outspread. - It lay whar the axe was stickin', cut close by its sharpened edge; - And what then was my feelin's, per'aps, sir, you can jedge. - - I took the little ringlet, and pressed it to my lips; - Then I kneeled down and prayed, sir, right thar on the chips. - We put it in the Bible, whar I often read to Joe,-- - "The hairs of your head are numbered;" and, sir, I believe it's so. - - _B. S. Brooks._ - - - - -WARNING TO WOMAN. - - -"John," said Mrs. Sanscript to her husband one evening last week, -"I've been reading the paper."--"That's nothin'," grunted John: -"I've seen people before who read newspapers."--"Yes; but there are -several things in the paper I can't understand."--"Then don't read -'em."--"What do they mean by the strike, John? What is a strike, -anyhow?"--"A strike is where they have struck;" and Sanscript knocked -the ashes from his cigar. "I don't grasp your meaning exactly," said -Mrs. Sanscript, with a puzzled look. "Now, these strikers have stopped -all the railroad-trains in the country. Why did they do it?"--"To -prevent 'em from running."--"Yes, but why didn't they want trains -to run?"--"Because they wanted more money for running them."--"Do -they pay more for stopping trains than for running them?"--"No, you -stupid woman!"--"Then why in the world did they stop 'em? why didn't -they run more of 'em, or run 'em faster? Seems to me that would pay -better."--"Mary Ann, you will never surround the problem."--"Maybe -not, John. Some things are gotten up purposely to bother women. Now -here is a column headed 'Base-Ball.' What is base-ball, John?"--"Don't -you know what base-ball is? Happy woman! you have not lived in -vain."--"Here it says that 'The Hartfords could not collar Cumming's -curves.' What under the sun are Cumming's curves?"--"It's the way he -delivers the ball."--"Is the ball chained?"--"No, you booby!"--"Then -how does he deliver it?"--"I mean, pitches it."--"Oh! Now here it -says Jones muffed a ball after a hard run. What was a ball doing -after a hard run?"--"Hadn't you better confine your research to the -obituary and marriage columns, Mary, with an occasional advertisement -thrown in to vary the monotony?"--"Yes, but, John, I want to know! -There's Mrs. Racket, over the way, who goes to all the base-ball -games, and comes home to talk me blind about 'fly fouls,' 'base hits,' -'sky-scrapers,' and all those things. For heaven's sake, John, what -is a sky-scraper?"--"Compose yourself, old woman. You are treading on -dangerous ground; your feet are on slippery rocks, while raging billows -roll beneath."--"Mercy on me! What do you mean?"--"I mean, my dear -madam, that whenever a woman begins to pry about among three strikes, -fair balls, base hits, daisy cutters, home runs, and kindred subjects, -she's in danger of being lost."--"Well, I confess I'm completely lost -to know what this newspaper means when it says Addy stole a base, while -the spectators applauded. Have we come to such a pass that society -will applaud a theft? Why wasn't Addy arrested? Now here's Manning put -out by Start, assisted by Carey, and I can't see that he did any thing -wrong, either. Jemima Christopher! Here it says that Pike flew out. -I don't believe a word of it. I never saw a man fly yet, and I won't -believe it can be done till I see it with my own eyes. John, what makes -these newspaper men lie so horribly?" - -John was asleep; and Mrs. Sanscript turned gloomily, not to say -sceptically, to the letter-list for information. Newspapers were not -made for women. - - - - -AN EXCITING CONTEST. - - -We have doubts about the following story, which comes to us from the -interior; but the author is responsible for what he says, and his name -can be obtained upon application at this office. - -Last winter two of my neighbors, Mr. Miller and Mr. Grant, lost their -wives upon the same day; and both of the funerals took place three days -afterwards, the interments being made at the cemetery about the same -hour. As the two funeral parties were coming out of the burying-ground, -Miller met Grant; and, clasping each other's hand, they indulged in a -sympathetic squeeze, and the following conversation ensued:-- - -_Miller._ "I'm sorry for you. It's an unspeakable loss, isn't it?" - -_Grant._ "Awful! She was the best woman that ever lived." - -_Miller._ "She was, indeed. I never met her equal. She was a good wife -to me." - -_Grant._ "I was referring to my wife. There couldn't be two best, you -know." - -_Miller._ "Yes, I know. I know well enough that your wife couldn't hold -a candle to mine." - -_Grant._ "She couldn't, hey? Couldn't hold a candle! Why, she could -dance all round Mrs. Miller every day in the week, including Sundays, -and not half try! She was an unmitigated angel, take her any way you -would." - -_Miller._ "Oh! she was, was she? Well, I don't want to be personal; but -if I owned a cross-eyed angel with red hair and no teeth, and as bony -as an omnibus-horse, I'd kill her if she didn't die of her own accord. -Dance!--how could a woman dance that had feet like candle-boxes, and -lame at that?" - -_Grant._ "Better be cross-eyed than wear the kind of a red nose that -your wife flourished around this community. I bet it'll burn a hole -through the coffin-lid. And you pretend you're sorry she's gone. But -you can't impose on me: I know you're so glad you can hardly hold in. -She was the chuckle-headedest woman that ever disgraced a graveyard: -that's what _she_ was." - -_Miller._ "If you abuse my wife, I'll knock you down." - -_Grant._ "I'd like to see you try it." - -Then the two disconsolate widowers engaged in a hand-to-hand combat; -and, after tussling a while in the snow, the mourners pulled them -apart, just as Mr. Miller was about to insist upon his wife's virtues -by biting off Mr. Grant's nose. - -When they got home, Mr. Grant tied crape upon all his window-shutters -to show how deeply he mourned; and, as Miller knew that his grief for -Mrs. Miller was deeper, he not only decorated his shutters, but he -fixed five yards of black bombazine on the bell-pull, and dressed his -whole family in mourning. Then Grant determined that his duty to the -departed was not to let himself be beaten by a man who couldn't feel -any genuine sorrow: so he sewed a black flag on his lightning-rod, and -festooned the front of his house with black alpaca. - -Then Miller became excited; and he expressed his sense of bereavement -by painting his dwelling black, and by putting up a monument to Mrs. -Miller in his front-yard. Grant thereupon stained his yellow horse -with lampblack, tied crape to his cow's horn, daubed his dog with -ink, and began to wipe his nose on a black handkerchief. As soon as -Miller saw these proceedings, he spread a layer of charcoal all over -his front-yard, he assumed a black shirt, he corked the faces of his -family when they went to church, and he hired a colored man to stand on -his steps and cry for twelve hours every day. Just as Grant was about -to see this, and go it one better, he encountered Miss Lang, a young -lady from the city; and in a couple of weeks they were engaged. Then he -began to take in the evidences of his grief; and this made Miller so -mad, that he went around and proposed to Miss Jones, an old maid who -never had an offer before. She accepted him on the spot; and they were -married the day before Grant's wedding, which so disgusted him that he -would have given up Lang if she hadn't threatened him with a suit for -breach of promise. There is peace between the two families now; but, -when Mrs. Miller gets on the rampage sometimes, Mr. Miller mourns for -his first wife more than ever. - - - - -A LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. - - -Admiring my flowers, sir? P'raps you'd step inside the gate, and -walk round my little place? It ain't big, but there's plenty of -variety,--violets and cabbages, roses and artichokes. Any one that -didn't care for flowers 'ud be sure to find beauty in them young spring -onions. People's ideas differ very much, there ain't a doubt of it. One -man's very happy over a glass of whiskey and water, and another thinks -every thing 'ud go straight in this 'ere world if we all drank tea and -lemonade. And it's right enough: it keeps things even. We should have -the world a very one-sided affair if everybody pulled the same way. -Philosopher, am I? Well, I dunno. I've got a theory to be sure--every -one has nowadays; and mine is, that there is a joke to be found in -every mortal thing if only we look in the right place for it. But some -people don't know how to look for it. Why, sir, if you'll believe it, I -was talking to a man yesterday that couldn't see any thing to laugh at -in the naval demonstration. - -Am I independent? Well, I makes money by my fruit and vegetables, if -that's what you mean. But there's so many ways of being independent. -One man marries a woman with £20,000 a year, and calls that -independence. Another votes on the strongest side, and calls that being -independent. One takes up every new-fangled idea that comes out, and -says he's independent. Some calls impudence independence. There's not -a name as fits so many different articles. No! I've never bin married. -Somehow, I don't think married men see the fun in every thing same -as single ones. I don't mean to be disrespectful to the ladies, but -I do think they enjoy a good cry more than a good laugh. Was I ever -in love? and did I laugh then? Why, yes, never laughed heartier in my -life. It's a good many years ago now. I was living in lodgings down -Clerkenwell way, and the landlady's daughter was as pretty a creature -as ever you see, bright and cheery, like a robin, when first I knew -her. But, by and by, she grew pale and peaky,--used to go about the -house without singing, and had such big, sad-looking eyes. Her home -wasn't a particularly happy one, for her mother was a nagger. Perhaps -you've never come across a woman of that pertikler character. Well, -then, you should say double the prayers of ordinary people; for you've -much to be thankful for. I never looked at her without feeling that -her husband must have been very happy indeed when he got to heaven. I -sometimes think, sir, that women of this sort might be made use of, and -prisons, and all other kind of punishment, done away with: perhaps, -though, the lunatic asylums 'ud get too full. - -Well, I grew to be quite intimate with Bessie; and one evening, I don't -know how it was, she told me all her troubles. She was engaged to a -young man; and her mother wouldn't consent to them marrying, and was -always worrying her to break it off. I asked her if there were any -thing against him. Nothing, except that her mother had taken a dislike -to him: he wasn't very strong, but he was the best, cleverest, dearest -fellow that ever lived. All the time she was talking I felt a gnawing -sort of pain somewhere in my inside. First, I thought I must be hungry; -but, when I came to eat, all my food seemed to get in my throat, and -stick there. This won't do, old fellow, thinks I: there must be a joke -to be got out of it somewhere. So I set to consider; and there, clear -enough, it was. Why, the joke 'ud be to let Bessie marry her young -man, and see the pretty cheeks grow round and pink again. But how to -do it, there was the rub. I began to cultivate the old lady's society -with a view to finding out her weak point: for, being a woman, of -course she had a weak point; and, being a very ugly woman, what do you -think it was? Why, vanity, to be sure. I soon noticed a change in her. -She took her hair out of paper every day, instead of only on Sundays, -as she had been used to do; and she put on a clean cap sometimes, -and smirked whenever I passed her. Why, here's a bigger joke than I -bargained for, thinks I! While I've been studying the woman to find -out her weak point, she thinks I've been admiring her. But I soon saw -what use I could make of this. I went down into the kitchen when she -wasn't busy,--I knew it would be rather too hot other times,--and I got -talking about Bessie. "It's strange," I says, "that a fine-looking girl -like that shouldn't have a sweetheart. Things was different when you -was younger, I'll be bound." - -"As for that," says she, "Bessie has a sweetheart; but I don't approve -of him. He's not exactly the sort of man I expected for her." - -"But, lor'," I says, "you wouldn't go and keep that girl single! Think -what harm you may do yourself. You can't be so cruel as to give up -all idea of marrying agin! Why, you don't look forty." That wasn't -an untruth, for she looked fifty. She tossed her head, and told me -to go along. I didn't go along. I says, "There's no doubt lots of -young fellows 'ud be glad enough of a good-looking wife like you, but -mightn't care for a daughter as old as Miss Bessie." This seemed to -strike her very much. I followed it up, got talking to her day after -day, and always led the conversation to the same point. At last one day -when I came home from work, she says, "It's all settled. Bessie's going -to be married, and her Tom's coming here this evening." Then I went up -to my own room, and laughed till I cried. Presently I heard the little -girl run up-stairs as she hadn't run for many a long day, and I knew -she'd gone to put on a smart ribbon for Tom's sake. She tapped at my -door as she passed. Would I come down? somebody was there, and wanted -to know me. I called out that I was busy, and couldn't come; and she -went away. But after about an hour she came again. I was sitting in the -dark, thinking of a good many things; and before I had time to speak -she was down oh her knees beside me, and hiding her face. - -"You told me you were busy," she said; "and here you are all in the -dark and cold, and I can't bear any one to be dull or lonely to-night, -because I'm so very, very happy. And I know it's all through you. -Mother would never have given in of her own accord. You've always been -my friend when I wanted one very badly; and now you must be angry with -me, or you wouldn't stay away to-night. And you won't even speak to me. -Oh, whatever I've done to vex you, don't think of it any more!" - -She nestled up to me so close that her hair touched my coat-sleeve, and -her pretty eyes looked up all swimming with tears. I ground my teeth, -and clinched my hands, or--or I don't know what I mightn't ha' done. -You see the joke of this, sir, don't you? Here was the girl crying, and -asking me to forgive her, and like her a little; and there was I--not -disliking her a bit all the time. Ha, ha, ha! I had a hearty laugh at -her, and hurried with her down-stairs, and was introduced to Tom, and -I talked to the old lady, and drank the young people's health, and was -as happy as possible. And on the wedding-day I gave her away as if I -had been her father; and I sang a song and danced: and, when the time -came for Bessie to go away with her husband, I dried her eyes; for at -the last moment the tender-hearted little thing broke down, and cried, -and kissed us all, and asked her mother not to feel angry with her for -leaving her all alone; and then the mother cried, and what with having -so many eyes to wipe, I found myself wiping my own just as if it all -weren't a tremendous joke. - -How have they got on since? 'Bout as well as most people, I suppose: -she loves him, and takes care of him. And the mother's softened down a -bit since she's bin a grandmother. And as to my godson, there never was -such a boy. I have him with me as much as possible, and he's beginning -to see the joke of every thing almost as much as I do myself. And when -I die, all this little place'll belong to him, and he'll be a rich man: -so my death'll be the biggest joke of all, you see, sir. - - - - -IN DER SHWEED LONG AGO. - - - In der shweed long ago I dinked I vas shmard, - Und I dinked I did vant me a vife - To share all my money und sorrows und joys, - Und to helb me along drough my life. - I vanted a lady kind-hearted und goot, - Dot vas handsome und sensiple doo, - Dot cood blay der biano or cook a beefshdeak, - Darn my shdockings or made me a shdew. - - She must nod be doo shmall-seized or neider doo dall, - Und she musn'd be old or doo young, - Und ven I vas shboking had visdom enuff - To alwoys kebd quied her tongue. - She musd nod be doo dark or agin be doo lighd-- - A kinder bedwixed und bedween; - She musd nod knew doo leedle, or vorse, knew it all, - Or be vat some beebles call "creen." - - She musd be good-nadured, vear always a shmile, - No madder of dings did vent wrong; - Ven my friends came around for to make me a call, - Be ready to sung dem a song. - Of der lodge bisness habben'd to kebd me oud lade, - Und I come valdzing home "dighdly-shlighd," - She musd pet und caress me, und dank her good shdars - Dot I didn'd shdaid apsend all nighd. - - In a vord, be berfecd--mind, feature, und form-- - From her feet to der crown of her head. - Now, dot vas der damsel dot I had in view, - Und der von I vas villing to ved. - Dot's a long dime ago, and my head dot vas pald, - And I vas a pachelor shdill. - My gal, I hafe nefer saw shkibbing round loose-- - Vat's more, I don'd dink dot I vill. - - OOFTY GOOFT. - - - - -DOT STUPPORN PONY. - - - I growt so ferry heffy - Dot too much de walkin' pe, - So I pyed me of von pony; - But dot pettler he sheat me. - Bote eyes of him was limpy, - Bote leeks of him vas plint; - But dot vot prake of me mine heart - Dot pony vas oonkint. - - He keeck shust like a chackess, - Oop, town, pefore, pehint; - Und how to cure dot pony - I rollt oop in my mint. - Dot sympathee vas nonsense, - Shust efery dinks he preak; - Vhen sutton coomt von grant itee, - I tole you how I make: - - I keetch him mit de shafters, - But--outsite in instet-- - His het oop py dot vagon, - His dail vere vos his het. - Den--one, doo, tree--I schlag him. - Ach, himmel! how he keeck! - But vhen he fints he noddings stroock, - He stop dot pooty queeck. - - Den looks he oop aschtountet, - Oxcited pooty pat; - Den sutten makes he backvarts, - Like as of he vas mat - I laugh as I vas tying - Vhen I see him go dat vay; - Den on his haunch he stoomples town, - As he vas going to bray. - - How schamt he look, vateffer! - I tole him vat I dinks; - Doo dears drop oud his eyepalls, - Mit grief his dail he vinks. - Arount all right I toorn him, - His het pefore him now, - Und streecks!--he trives as goot und kind - As he vas peen my frau! - - HARRY WOODSON. - - - - -SPOOPENDYKE OPENING OYSTERS. - - -"My dear," queried Mr. Spoopendyke, "did you put those oysters on the -cellar floor with the round shells down, as I told you to?" - -"I did most of 'em," replied Mrs. Spoopendyke. "Some of 'em wouldn't -stay that way. They turned right over." - -"Must have been extraordinary intelligent oysters," murmured Mr. -Spoopendyke, eying her with suspicion. "Didn't any of 'em stand up on -end, and ask for the morning paper, did they?" - -"You know what I mean," fluttered Mrs. Spoopendyke. "They tipped over -sideways, and so I laid them on the flat shell." - -"That's right," grunted Mr. Spoopendyke. "You want to give an oyster -his own way, or you'll hurt his feelings. Suppose you bring up some of -those gifted oysters, and an oyster-knife, and we'll eat 'em." - -Mrs. Spoopendyke hurried away, and pattered back with the feast duly -set out on a tea-waiter, which she placed before Mr. Spoopendyke with a -flourish. - -"Now," said she, drawing up her sewing-chair, and resting her elbows on -her knees, and her chin on her hands, "when you get all you want, you -may open me some." - -Mr. Spoopendyke whirled the knife around his head, and brought it down -with a sharp crack. Then he clipped away at the end a moment, and -jabbed at what he supposed was the opening. The knife slipped, and -ploughed the bark off his thumb. - -"Won't come open, won't ye?" he shouted, fetching it another lick, and -jabbing away again. "Haven't completed your census of who's out here -working at ye, have ye?" and he brought it another whack. "P'rhaps ye -think I haven't fully made up my mind to inquire within, don't ye?" -and he rammed the point of the knife at it, knocking the skin off his -knuckles. - -"That isn't the way to open an oyster," suggested Mrs. Spoopendyke. - -"Look here," roared Mr. Spoopendyke, turning fiercely on his wife. -"Have you got any private understanding with this oyster? Has the -oyster confided in you the particular way in which he wants to be -opened?" - -"No-o!" stammered Mrs. Spoopendyke. "Only I thought"-- - -"This is no time for thought!" shouted Mr. Spoopendyke, banging away -at the edge of the shell. "This is the moment for battle; and if I've -happened to catch this oyster during office hours, he's going to enter -into relations with the undersigned. Come out, will ye?" he yelled, as -the knife flew up his sleeve. "Maybe ye don't recognize the voice of -Spoopendyke. Come out, ye measly coward, before ye make an enemy of -me for life!" and he belted away at the shell with the handle of the -knife, and spattered mud like a dredging-machine. - -"Let me get you a hammer to crack him with," recommended Mrs. -Spoopendyke, hovering over her husband in great perturbation. - -"Don't want any hammer," howled Mr. Spoopendyke, slamming around with -his knife. "S'pose I'm going to use brute force on a measly fish that -I could swallow alive if I could only get him out of his house? Open -your measly premises!" raved Mr. Spoopendyke, stabbing at the oyster -vindictively, and slicing his shirt-sleeve clear to the elbow. "Come -forth, and enjoy the society of Spoopendyke!" And the worthy gentleman -foamed at the mouth, and he sunk back in his chair, and contemplated -his stubborn foe with glaring eyes. - -"I'll tell you what to do," exclaimed Mrs. Spoopendyke, radiant with a -profound idea. "Crack him in the door." - -"That's the scheme," grinned Mr. Spoopendyke, with horrible contortions -of visage. "Fetch me the door. Set that door right before me on a -plate. This oyster is going to stay here. If you think this oyster is -going to enjoy any change of climate until he strikes the tropics of -Spoopendyke, you don't know the domestic habits of shell-fish. Loose -your hold!" squealed Mr. Spoopendyke, returning to the charge, and -fetching the bivalve a prodigious whack. "Come into the outer world, -where all is gay and beautiful. Come out, and let me introduce you to -my wife." And Mr. Spoopendyke laid the oyster on the arm of his chair, -and slugged him remorselessly. - -"Wait," squealed Mrs. Spoopendyke: "here's one with his mouth open," -and she pointed cautiously at a gaping oyster, who had evidently taken -down the shutters to see what the row was about. - -"Don't care a measly nickel with a hole in it," protested Mr. -Spoopendyke, thoroughly impatient. "Here's one that's going to open -his mouth, or the resurrection will find him still wrestling with -the ostensible head of this family. Ow!" and Mr. Spoopendyke, having -rammed the knife into the palm of his hand, slammed the oyster against -the chimney-piece, where it was shattered, and danced around the room -wriggling with wrath and agony. - -"Never mind the oysters, dear," cried Mrs. Spoopendyke, following him -around, and trying to disengage his wounded hand from his armpit. - -"Who's minding 'em?" roared Mr. Spoopendyke, standing on one leg, and -bending up double. "I tell ye that when I start to inflict discipline -on a narrow-minded oyster that won't either accept an invitation or -send regrets, he's going to mind me! Where's the oyster? Show me the -oyster! Arraign the oyster!" - -"Upon my word, you've opened him," giggled Mrs. Spoopendyke, picking up -the smashed bivalve between the tips of her thumb and forefinger. - -"Won't have him," sniffed Mr. Spoopendyke, eying the broken shell, -and firing his defeated enemy into the grate. "If I can't go in the -front-door of an oyster, I'm not going down the scuttle. That all comes -of laying 'em on the flat shell," he continued, suddenly recollecting -that his wife was to blame for the whole business. "Now you take the -rest of 'em down, and lay 'em as I told you to." - -"Yes, dear." - -"And another time you want any oysters, you sit around in the cellar, -and when they open their mouths you put sticks in. You hear?" - -"Yes, dear." - -And Mrs. Spoopendyke took the bivalves back, resolving that the next -time they were in demand they would crawl out of their shells, and walk -up-stairs arm in arm, before she would have any hand in the mutilation -of her poor, dear, suffering husband by bringing them up herself. - - STANLEY HUNTLEY. - - - - -TO A FRIEND STUDYING GERMAN. - - - Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache? - Denn set it on your card, - Dat all de nouns have shenders, - Und de shenders all are hard; - Dere ish also dings called pronoms, - Vitch it's shoost ash vell to know; - Boot ach! de verbs, or timevords-- - Dey'll vork you bitter voe. - - Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache? - Den you allatag moost go - To sinfonies, sonatas, - Or an oritorio. - Vhen you dinks you knows 'pout musik - More ash any oder man, - Be sure de soul of Deutschland - Into your soul ish ran. - - Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache? - Dou moost eat apout a peck - A veek of stinging sauerkraut, - Und sefen pounds of speck, - Mit Gott knows vot in vinegar, - Und deuce knows vot in rum; - Dish ish de only cerdain way - To make de accents coom. - - Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache? - Brepare dein soul to shtand - Soosh sendences ash ne'er vas heardt - In any oder land. - Till dou canst make parenteses - Intwisted--ohne zahl-- - Dann wirst du erst Deutschfertig seyn; - For a languashe ideal. - - Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache? - Dou must mitout all fear - Trink efery tay an gallon dry - Of foamin' Sherman beer. - Und de more you trinks, pe certain - More Deutsche you'll surely pe; - For Gambrinus is de Emperor - Of de whole of Shermany. - - Vill'st dou learn de Deutsche Sprache? - Be sholly, brav, an' treu, - For dat veller is kein Deutscher - Who ish not a sholly poy, - Find out vot means Gemuthlichkeit, - Und do it mitout fail, - In Sang und Klang dein Lebenlang, - A brick--gans Kreuzfidel. - - Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache? - If a shendleman dou art, - Denn shtrike right indo Deutschland - Und get a schveetes heart, - From Schwabenland or Sachsen, - Vhere now dis writer pees; - Und de bretty girls all wachsen - Shoost like apples on de drees. - - Boot if dou bee'st a laty, - Denn, on de odder hand, - Take a blonde moustachiod lofer - In de vine green Sherman land, - Und if you shoost kit married - (Vood mit vood soon makes a vire), - You'll learn to sprechen Deutsch, mein Kind, - Ash fast as you tesire. - - CHARLES GODFREY LELAND. - - - - -TAMMY'S PRIZE. - - -"Awa' wi' ye, Tammy man, awa' wi' ye to the schule, aye standin' -haverin'," and the old shoemaker looked up through his tear-dimmed -spectacles at his son, who was standing with his cap on and his book in -his hand. - -Tammy made a move to the door. "An' is't the truth, Tammy? and does the -maister say't himsel'? Say't ower again." - -The boy turned back, and stood looking on the ground. - -"It wasna muckle he said, fayther. He just said, 'It'll be Tammy -Rutherford that'll get the prize i' the coontin.'" - -"He said you, did he?" said the old man, as if he had heard it for the -first time, and not for the hundredth. - -Again Tammy made a move for the door; and again the fond father would -have called him back, had not the schoolbell at that instant rung out -loud and clear. - -"Ay, ay!" said he to himself, after his son had gone, "a right likely -lad, and a credit to his fayther;" and he bent again to the shoe he was -working at, though he could scarcely see it for the tears that started -in his eyes. - -The satisfied smile had not worn off his face when the figure of -a stout woman appeared at the door. The shoemaker took off his -spectacles, and wiped them, and then turned to the new-comer. - -"A bra' day till ye, Mistress Knicht. An' hoo'll ye be keepin'?" - -"Oh! brawly, Maister Rutherford. It's the sheen I've come aboot for my -guidman; the auld anes are sare crackit." - -"Aweel, mistress, the new anes'll be deen the morn. Set yersel' doon;" -and, complying with this invitation, she sat down. "An' hoo's yere -Sandie gettin' on at the schule, Mistress Knicht?" - -"'Deed, noo ye speak on't, he's a sare loon; he'll niver look at's -lessons." - -"He winna be ha'in' ony o' the prizes, I'm thinkin' at that gate." - -"Na, na; he'll niver bother his heed aboot them. But he's sayin' yer -Tam'll ha'e the coontin' prize." - -"Ye _dinna_ say sae! Weel, that is news." And he looked up with -ill-concealed pride. "The lad was talkin' o't himsel'; but 'deed I -niver thocht on't. But there's nae sayin'." - -"Aweel, guid-day to ye; and I'll look in the morn for the sheen." - -"An' are they sayin' Tam'll ha'e a prize?" continued the old man. - -"Ay, ay; the laddie was sayin' sae." And she went away. - -The shoemaker seemed to have fallen on a pleasant train of thought; for -he smiled away to himself, and occasionally picked up a boot, which -he as soon let drop. Visions of Tammy's future greatness rose before -his mind. Perhaps of too slight a fabric were they built; but he saw -Tammy a great and honored man, and Tammy's father leaning on his son's -greatness.... - -"Presairve us a'! it's mair nor half-six!" (half-past five.) And he -started up from his revery. "Schule'll hae been oot an 'oor, an' the -laddie's no hame." And he got up, and moved towards the door. The sun -was just sinking behind the horizon, and the light was dim in the -village street. He put up his hand to his eyes, and peered down in the -direction of the school. - -"What in a' the world's airth's keepin' him?" he muttered; and then -turning round he stumbled through the darkness of his workshop to the -little room behind. He filled an antiquated kettle, and set it on the -fire. Then he went to the cupboard, and brought out half a loaf, some -cheese, a brown teapot, and a mysterious parcel. He placed these on the -table, and then gravely and carefully unrolled the little parcel, which -turned out to be tea. - -"Presairve us, I can niver min' whaur ye put the tea, or hoo muckle. -It's an awfu' waicht on the min' to make tea." - -His wife had died two years before; and his little son, with the -assistance of a kindly neighbor, had managed to cook their humble -meals. Porridge was their chief fare; but a cup of tea was taken as a -luxury every evening. - -"I'm jist some fear't about it. I'll waicht till Tammas comes in;" and -he went out again to the door to see what news there was of his son. - -The sun had completely disappeared now; and the village would have been -quite dark had it not been for the light in the grocer's window, a few -doors down. - -The shoemaker leaned against his cottage, and tried to see if any one -were in sight; but not a soul seemed about, although now and then a -sound of laughter was borne up the street. - -The door of his next neighbor's house was wide open. He looked in, -and saw a woman standing at the fire, superintending some cooking -operation, with her back to him. - -"Is yer Jim in, mistress?" - -"Na," she said, without turning her head. "He'll be doon at some o' his -plays. He's nae been in frae the schule yet." - -"It's the same wi' Tam. Losh! I'm wunnerin, what's keepin' him." - -"Keepin' him, say ye? What wad keep a laddie?" - -Half satisfied, the shoemaker went back to his house, and found the -kettle singing merrily on the fire. He felt a little anxious. The boy -was always home in good time. He crept round again to his neighbor's. - -"I'm gettin' fear't about him," he said: "he's niver been sae late's -this." - -"Hoot, awa' wi' ye! he'll be doon, maybe, at the bathin' wi' the lave, -but I'll gang doon the village wi' ye, an' we'll soon fin' the laddie." - -She hastily put her bonnet on her head, for the night air was cold, and -they both stood together outside the cottage. - -He clutched her arm. What was that? Through the still night air, along -the dark street, came the sound of muffled feet and hushed voices, as -of those who bore a burden. With blanched face the old man tried to -speak, but he could not. A fearful thought came upon him.... - -They are coming nearer. They are stopping and crowding together, and -whispering low. The two listeners crept up to them; and there in the -middle of the group lay Tammy dead--drowned. - -With a loud shriek, "Tammy, my Tammy!" the old man fell down beside the -body of his son. - -They carried both in together into the little room behind the shop, and -went out quietly, leaving one of their number who volunteered to stay -all night. - -The shoemaker soon revived. He sat down on one side of the fire, and -the man who watched with him sat on the other. The kettle was soon -on the fire, and he watched its steam rising with a half-interested -indifference. Then at times he would seem to remember that something -had happened; and he would creep to the side of the bed where the body -lay, and gaze on the straight, handsome features and the bloodless -cheeks, quiet and cold in death. "Tammy, my man; my ain Tammy, speak to -me ance--jist ance--I'm awfu' lonesome-like." Then the watcher would -lead him quietly to his seat by the fire; and there they sat the whole -night long, till the stir of the outer world aroused them.... - -The school is filled with happy, pleasant faces. The prize day has -come. There stands the minister, looking very important, and the -schoolmaster very excited. The prizes are all arranged on a table -before the minister, and the forms for the prize-winners are before the -table. And now every thing is ready. The minister begins by telling -the parents present how he has examined the school, and found the -children quite up to the mark; and then he addresses a few words to -the children, winding up his remarks by telling them how at school he -had thought that "multiplication is a vexation," &c., but that now he -found the use of it. And then the children laughed, for they heard the -same speech every year; but it made the excitement greater when they -had the prizes to look at, as they shone on the table in their gorgeous -gilding, during the speech. And now the schoolmaster is going to read -out the prize-winners, and the children are almost breathless with -excitement,--you might have heard a pin drop,--when from the end of the -room, a figure totters forward, the figure of an old man, white-headed, -and with a strange, glassy look in his eye. He advances to where the -children are sitting, and takes his place amongst them. Every one looks -compassionately towards him, and women are drying their eyes with their -aprons. The schoolmaster hesitates a moment, and looks at the minister. -The minister nods to him, and he begins the list. It is with almost a -saddened look that the children come to take their prizes, for they -think of the sharp, bright, active playmate who was so lately with -them; and they gaze timidly towards his father who sits in their midst. - -"Thomas Rutherford," reads out the master, "gained the prize for -arithmetic." - -"I'll tak' Tam's prize for him. The laddie's na weel. He's awa'. I'll -tak' it;" and the shoemaker moved hastily up to the table. - -The minister handed him the book; and, silently taking it, he made his -way to the door.... - -A quiet old man moves listlessly about the village. He does nothing, -but every one has a kind word for him. He never walks towards the -river, but shudders when its name is mentioned. He sits in his workshop -often, and looks up expectantly when he hears the joyous shout of the -boys as they come out of school, and then a look of pain flits across -his face. He has one treasure,--a book, which he keeps along with his -family Bible, and he is never tired of reading through his blurred -spectacles the words on the first page:-- - - BARNES SCHOOL. -FIRST CLASS. -PRIZE FOR ARITHMETIC -AWARDED TO - THOMAS RUTHERFORD. - - - - -THE SCOTCHMAN AT THE PLAY. - - -After paying our money at the door, never while I live and breathe will -I forget what we saw and heard that night. It just looks to me, by -all the world, when I think on it, like a fairy dream. The place was -crowded to the full; Maister Glen and me having nearly got our ribs -dung in before we found a seat, the folks behind being obliged to mount -the back benches to get a sight. Right to the forehand of us was a -large green curtain, some five or six ells wide, a good deal the worse -of the wear, having seen service through two-three summers: and just -in the front of it were eight or ten penny candles stuck in a board -fastened to the ground, to let us see the players' feet like, when they -came on the stage; and even before they came on the stage; for, the -curtain being scrimpit in length, we saw legs and sandals moving behind -the scenes very neatly; while two blind fiddlers they had brought with -them played the bonniest ye ever heard. 'Od! the very music was worth a -sixpence of itself. - -The place, as I said before, was choke-full, just to excess; so that -one could scarcely breathe. Indeed, I never saw any part so crowded, -not even at a tent-preaching when the Rev. Mr. Roarer was giving his -discourses on the building of Solomon's Temple. We were obligated to -have the windows opened for a mouthful of fresh air, the barn being -as close as a baker's oven, my neighbor and me fanning our red faces -with our hats to keep us cool; and, though all were half stewed, we -certainly had the worst of it, the toddy we had taken having fermented -the blood of our bodies into a perfect fever. - -Just at the time that the two blind fiddlers were playing the "Downfall -of Paris" a hand-bell rang, and up goes the green curtain; being hauled -to the ceiling, as I observed with the tail of my eye, by a birkie -at the side, that had hold of a rope. So, on the music stopping, and -all becoming as still as that you might have heard a pin fall, in -comes a decent old gentleman at his leisure, well powdered, with an -old-fashioned coat on, waistcoat with flap-pockets, brown breeches -with buckles at the knees, and silk stockings with red gushats on a -blue ground. I never saw a man in such distress: he stamped about, -and better stamped about, dadding the end of his staff on the ground, -and imploring all the powers of heaven and earth to help him to find -out his runaway daughter, that had decamped with some ne'er-do-weel -loon of a half-pay captain, that keppit her in his arms from her -bedroom-window, up two pair of stairs. - -Every father and head of a family must have felt for a man in his -situation, thus to be robbed of his dear bairn, and an only daughter -too, as he told us over and over again, as the salt, salt tears ran -gushing down his withered face, and he aye blew his nose on his clean -calendered pocket-napkin. But, ye know, the thing was absurd to suppose -that we should know any inkling about the matter, having never seen -him or his daughter between the een before, and not kenning them by -headmark: so, though we sympathized with him, as folks ought to do -with a fellow-creature in affliction, we thought it best to hold our -tongues, to see what might cast up better than he expected. So out he -went stumping at the other side, determined, he said, to find them out, -though he should follow them to the world's end, Johnny Groat's house, -or something to that effect. - -Hardly was his back turned, and almost before ye could cry Jack -Robison, in comes the birkie and the very young lady the old gentleman -described, arm-and-arm together, smoodging and laughing like daft. Dog -on it! it was a shameless piece of business. As true as death, before -all the crowd of folk, he put his arm round her waist, and called her -his sweetheart, and love, and dearie, and darling, and every thing that -is fine. If they had been courting in a close together on a Friday -night, they could not have said more to one another, or gone greater -lengths. I thought such shame to be an eye-witness to sic on-goings, -that I was obliged at last to hold up my hat before my face, and look -down; though, for all that, the young lad, to be such a blackguard as -his conduct showed, was well enough faured, and had a good coat to his -back, with double gilt buttons and fashionable lapels, to say little of -a very well-made pair of buckskins, a thought the worse of the wear, to -be sure, but which, if they had been well cleaned, would have looked -almost as good as new. How they had come we never could learn, as we -neither saw chaise nor gig; but, from his having spurs on his boots, -it is more than likely that they had lighted at the back-door of the -barn from a horse, she riding on a pad behind him, maybe, with her hand -round his waist. - -The father looked to be a rich old bool, both from his manner of -speaking, and the rewards he seemed to offer for the apprehension of -his daughter; but, to be sure, when so many of us were present that -had an equal right to the spullaie, it would not be a great deal, a -thousand pounds, when divided. Still it was worth the looking after: so -we just bidit a wee. - -Things were brought to a bearing, howsoever, sooner than either -themselves, I dare say, or anybody else present, seemed to have the -least glimpse of: for, just in the middle of their fine goings-on, the -sound of a coming foot was heard; and the lassie, taking guilt to her, -cried out, "Hide me, hide me, for the sake of goodness! for yonder -comes my old father!" - -No sooner said than done. In he stappit her into a closet; and, after -shutting the door on her, he sat down upon a chair, pretending to -be asleep, in the twinkling of a walking-stick. The old father came -bouncing in; and, seeing the fellow as sound as a top, he ran forward -and gave him such a shake as if he would have shooken him all sundry; -which soon made him open his eyes as fast as he had steeked them. -After blackguarding the chield at no allowance, cursing him up hill -and down dale, and calling him by every name but a gentleman, he held -his staff over his crown, and, gripping him by the cuff of the neck, -asked him, in a fierce tone, what he had made of his daughter. Never -since I was born did I ever see such brazen-faced impudence! The rascal -had the brass to say at once, that he had not seen word or wittens of -the lassie for a month, though more than a hundred folk sitting in -his company had beheld him dauting her with his arm round her jimpy -waist not five minutes before. As a man, as a father, as an elder of -our kirk, my corruption was raised; for I aye hated lying as a poor -cowardly sin, and an inbreak on the Ten Commandments; and I found my -neighbor, Mr. Glen, fidgeting on the seat as well as me. So I thought -that whoever spoke first would have the best right to be entitled to -the reward: whereupon, just as he was in the act of rising up, I took -the word out of his mouth, saying, "Dinna believe him, auld gentleman; -dinna believe him, friend: he's telling a parcel of lees. Never saw her -for a month! It's no worth arguing, or calling witnesses: just open -that press-door, and ye'll see whether I'm speaking truth or not!" - -The old man stared, and looked dumfoundered; and the young one, instead -of running forward with his double nieves to strike me, the only thing -I was feared for, began a-laughing, as if I had done him a good turn. -But never since I had a being did I ever witness such an uproar and -noise as immediately took place. The whole house was so glad that the -scoundrel had been exposed, that they set up siccan a roar of laughter, -and thumped away at siccan a rate at the boards with their feet, that -at long and last, with pushing and fidgeting, clapping their hands, -and holding their sides, down fell the place they call the gallery, -all the folk in't being hurled topsy-turvy, headforemost, among the -sawdust on the floor below; their guffawing soon being turned to -howling, each one crying louder than another at the top note of their -voices, "Murder! murder! hold off me! murder! my ribs are in! murder! -I'm killed! I'm speechless!" and other lamentations to that effect: -so that a rush to the door took place, in the which every thing was -overturned; the door-keeper being wheeled away like wildfire; the furms -stramped to pieces; the lights knocked out; and the two blind fiddlers -dung headforemost over the stage, the bass-fiddle cracking like thunder -at every bruise. Such tearing and swearing, and tumbling and squealing, -was never witnessed in the memory of man since the building of Babel; -legs being likely to be broken, sides staved in, eyes knocked out, -and lives lost,--there being only one door, and that a small one: so -that, when we had been earned off our feet that length, my wind was -fairly gone; and a sick dwalm came over me, lights of all manner of -colors, red, blue, green, and orange, dancing before me, that entirely -deprived me of common sense; till, on opening my eyes in the dark, I -found myself leaning with my broadside against the wall on the opposite -side of the close. It was some time before I minded what had happened: -so, dreading skaith, I found first the one arm, and then the other, to -see if they were broken; syne my head; and finally both of my legs; -but all, as well as I could discover, was skin-whole and scart-free. -On perceiving this, my joy was without bounds, having a great notion -that I had been killed on the spot. So I reached round my hand very -thankfully to take out my pocket-napkin, to give my brow a wipe, when, -lo and behold! the tail of my Sunday's coat was fairly off and away, -docked by the hainch buttons. - -So much for plays and play-actors,--the first and last, I trust in -grace, that I shall ever see. But indeed I could expect no better, -after the warning that Maister Wiggie had more than once given us from -the pulpit on the subject. Instead, therefore, of getting my grand -reward for finding the old man's daughter, the whole covey of them, -no better than a set of swindlers, took leg-bail, and made that very -night a moonlight flitting; and Johnny Hammer, honest man, that had -wrought from sunrise to sunset for two days, fitting up their place by -contract, instead of being well paid for his trouble, as he deserved, -got nothing left him but a ruckle of his own good deals, all dung to -shivers. - - - - -AN IRISH LOVE-LETTER. - - A SCENE FROM GEORGE M. BAKER'S NEW PLAY (FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS - ONLY) IN THREE ACTS, ENTITLED "REBECCA'S TRIUMPH." - - -_Characters_: KATY, _an Irish servant_, GYP, _a colored girl_; DORA, _a -young lady_. - - (_Enter_ KATY, _with a letter in her hand_.) - -KATY (_turning letter over and over_). An' sure I got a love-lether -frum Patsy; an' phat will I do wid it I dunno. I can't rade, and the -misthress is away wid the company girls. How will I find out phat's -inside it? It's bothered I am intirely. - - (_Enter from_ L., _through_ C. _door_, DORA.) - -DORA. Ah, Katy! Is it ther yees are? Where's Mrs. Delaine's shawl? I -see it. (_Goes towards window_ R.) - -KATY. If yees plase, Miss Dora, might I be after troubling yees? - -DORA (_comes down_). Certainly, Katy. What's the trouble? - -KATY. If yees plase, I have a lether. - -DORA. From the ould counthry? - -KATY. No, indade: it's from--it's from--sure you'll be afther laughin' -if I tole yees. - -DORA. Then you needn't tell me, Katy; I can guess. It's a love-letter. - -KATY. An' who towld yees that? - -DORA. Yourself, Katy, by the blushes on your cheeks and the sparkle in -your eyes. You want me to read it for you? - -KATY. If yees plase, Miss Dora. (_Hands letter._) - -DORA (_opening letter_). I shall learn all your secrets, Katy. Perhaps -the young man would not like that. - -KATY. Thin yees moight shkip the sacrets. - -DORA (_laughs_). All right, Katy. (_Reads._) "Lovely Katy." - -KATY. That's me. Sure that's no sacret. - -DORA (_reads_). "I take me pin in hand wid a bating heart, to till yees -uv the sthrong wakeniss I have for yees." - -KATY. Yees moight shkip that. - -DORA (_reads_). "I have nather ate, dhrunk, nor slipt, for a wake." - -KATY. Will, that jist accounts for the wakeniss. - -DORA (_reads_). "Barrin' my thray males a day, an 'me pipe an' -tobacyer." - -KATY. An' he wid the hearty appetite! - -DORA (_reads_). "An' all me slapeliss nights are fill wid drames of -yees, Katy mavourneen." - -KATY. Sure he's the darlin'. - -DORA (_reads_). "I have yees phortygraff nailed to the hid uv me bid; -and ivery night, afther I've blown out the candle wid me fingers, I tak -a good look at it, an' if ye'll belave me, there's not a dry thread in -me eyes." - -KATY. Sure he was alwus tinder-hearted. - -DORA (_reads_). "If yees don't belave me, tak a good look at yees own -face before yees open the lether, and see if I have not cause to wape." - -KATY. Sure I ought to have known that before the lether came. - -DORA (_reads_). "If yees foind these tinder loins blotted wid tears, -it's all owing to the bad quality uv the ink, which has compilled me to -pin this wid a pincil." - -KATY. That's no mather. - -DORA (_reads_). "If yees don't recave this lether, or can't rade -it, niver moind: ye'll know that all that's in it is the truth, an' -nades nather radin' or writin' to till the same. So name the day, -Katy darlin', whin me single blissidniss is to exphire, an' the -mathrimoonial noose shlipped over the hid of yees lovin' and consolin' - - PATSY DOLAN. - -"P.S.--These last lines are the poethry uv love. - -"SECOND P.S.--To be rid fhirst. I inclose a ring for yees finger, which -same yees will find in me nixt lether." That's all, Katy. (_Hands back -letter._) - -KATY. It's jist illigant. I'm obleeged to yees. - -DORA (_takes shawl from chair_). Quite welcome, Katy. When you get -ready to name the day, I'll answer it for you. But be quick, Katy; for -the poor fellow will not live long on "only his thray males a day, an' -his pipe an' tobacyer." (_Runs off_ C. _to_ L.) - -KATY (_looks at letter_). Sure it's a darlin' lether, an' Patsy Dolan's -a broth uv a bye. - -_Enter_ R., GYP. - -GYP. Ah, dar you is, Katy! Whar's de misses? Whar's Miss Becky? Whar's -eberybody? - -KATY. In the garden, sure. Yees may coom in, if yees wipe yers fate. - -GYP. Yas, indeed! How yer was? And how's Patsy Dolan? - -KATY. He's will. I've jist recaved a lether from him. - -GYP. Dat so? Dat's good! Lub-letters am bery consolin' to de flutterin' -heart. Got a letter, hab you? S'pose you red it frough and frough. - -KATY. Sure I can't rade at all, at all. - -GYP. Dat so? Well, well! De ignoramance ob de foreign poperlation am -distressin'. - -KATY. Can you rade? - -GYP. Read? What you take me for? How else could I debour de heaps and -heaps ob lub-letters dat I constantly receibe from my adorers? - -KATY (_Aside._) Faith, I'd loike to hear Patsy's lether again. -(_Aloud._) Thin plase rade this for me. (_Hands letter._) - -GYP (_confused_). Wh-wh-what you take me fur? (_Aside._) Golly! she -cotch me den. (_Aloud._) No, chile: dose tender confections am fur you -alone, and dey shouldn't be composed to de world. - -KATY. An' sure yees can't rade. - -GYP. What's that? Can't read? (_Takes letter, and turns it round -several times._) Berry long letter. Want to hear it all? - -KATY. Ivery word. - -GYP (_Aside._) Mussn't gib in. Spec dase all alike. (_Aloud._) Ob -course, ob course. (_Pretends to read._) "Lubliest ob your sexes." - -KATY. Sure that's not there. - -GYP (_shows letter_). See fur yerself, see fur yerself. - -KATY. Go on wid the lether. - -GYP. "Sublimest ob de fair sexes, dis am a whale ob tears. Dar ain't no -sunshine of moonshine widout you." - -KATY. That's not thrue at all, at all. - -GYP (_shows letter_). Read it yerself, read yerself. - -KATY. Go on wid the lether. - -GYP. "De moon on de lake am beamin', de lubly sunflower perfumeries in -de garden, de tuneful frogs meliferously warble in de riber, an' de -breezes blow fro' de treeses; but my lub, my lub, whar, oh, whar am -she?" - -KATY. I don't belave-- - -GYP (AS BEFORE). See fur yerself, see fur yerself! - -KATY. Oh, quit yees talkin' an' talkin'. Go on wid the lether. - - GYP. "My lub she isn't hansum, - My lub she isn't fair; - But to cook de beef and 'taters - Can't beat her anywhar." - -Dat's potry, Katy, dat is; alwus find lots ob dat in lub-letters: it -gibs dem a flabor. - -KATY. I don't belave it's there. - -GYP (_as before_). See fur yerself, see fur yerself! - -KATY. Go on wid the lether. - -GYP. Luf me see, wha was I? "Come rest on dis yere head your aching -breast." Dey all got dat, Katy, an'--an' (_aside_), well, I'se jest -puzzled fur more: guess we'll hab some more poetry (_aloud_) an'--an'-- - - "We'll dance all night till broad daylight, - An' go home with de girls in de morning." - -KATY. It's no such thing! Yer desavin' me, so yees are! Me Patsy -wouldn't go home wid the girls at all, at all. - -GYP. See fur yerself, see fur yerself! - -KATY (_snatching letter_). So I will. It's false and desateful yees -are, for Miss Dora rid the lether, an'--an'--it was jist illegant, so -it was an' it's yersilf.--bad luck to the loikes ov yees, whin yees -can't rade! an' it's the blissid troth I'm tillin',--invintin' a bit -uv blarney to make trouble betwane a poor girl an' her Patsy. Away wid -yees! - - [_Exit door_ R. - -GYP. Well, I guess she fooled me dat time. No use. Dar's alwus trubble -interferin' in lub affairs, jest like domestic affairs: when man and -wife am fighting, ef you try to be a messenger ob peace, ef you don't -look out, you'll git de broomstick onto yer own head. [_Exit._ - - - YANKEE DIALECT RECITATIONS. - - Edited by GEORGE M. BAKER. - - _BOARDS 50 CENTS PAPER 30 CENTS._ - - LEE & SHEPARD, Publishers, Boston. - - CONTENTS. - - PAGE - - Goin' Somewhere _M. Quod_ 5 - - Old Farmer Grey Gets Photographed _John H. Yates_ 8 - - Speech of the Hon. Perverse Peabody - on the Acquisition of Cuba 10 - - Widder Green's Last Words 13 - - Widow Stebbins on Homœopathy _C. F. Adams_ 14 - - Farmer Bent's Sheep-Washing 16 - - The Little Peach 17 - - Mr. Pickwick's Romantic Adventure - with a Middle-aged Lady in Yellow - Curl-Papers _Dickens_ 18 - - Goin' Home To-day _W. M. Carleton_ 24 - - Jakie on Watermelon Pickle 25 - - Putty and Varnish _Josh Billings_ 26 - - London Zoölogical Gardens 28 - - Aurelia's Unfortunate Young Man _Mark Twain_ 29 - - The Old Ways and the New _John H. Yates_ 31 - - The Bumpkin's Courtship 33 - - The Ballad of the Oysterman _Oliver Wendell Holmes_ 35 - - The Deck Hand and the Mule 36 - - A Lay of Real Life _Thomas Hood_ 37 - - Middlerib's Rheumatic Cure _R. J. Burdette_ 39 - - Two Fishers _Harper's Weekly_ 43 - - Jim Wolfe and the Cats _Mark Twain_ 44 - - Mr. Stiver's Horse _J. M. Bailey_ 46 - - Mosquitoes _Kaleb Keating_ 50 - - The City Man and the Setting Hen 51 - - The Owl Critic _James T. Fields_ 53 - - The Man with a Cold in His Head 54 - - Forcible Entry _J. M. Bailey_ 5? - - The Village Sewing Society 57 - - Yankee Courtship 59 - - The Patter of the Shingle 63 - - The Paper Don't Say 64 - - The Jonesville Singin' Quire _Betsey Bobbitt_ 65 - - The Knife-Grinder _George Canning_ 69 - - Malaria 70 - - The Story of the Bad Little Boy who - Didn't Come to Grief _Mark Twain_ 72 - - Mr. Caudle and His Second Wife _Douglas Jerrold_ 75 - - Mollie or Sadie 78 - - The Baffled Book Agent 79 - - She Would Be a Mason _James C. Leighton_ 80 - - The Loves of Lucinda _Mark Melville_ 83 - - Something Split 87 - - From the Sublime to the Ridiculous 88 - - A Howl in Rome _Bill Nye_ 89 - - Butterwick's Weakness 93 - - The Old Man Goes to Town _J. G. Swinnerton_ 95 - - Mr. Watkins Celebrates _Detroit Press_ 98 - - The Squire's Story _John Phœnix_ 99 - - The Conversion of Colonel Quagg _George Augustus Sala_ 100 - - In the Surf 105 - - Variegated Dogs _Peck_ 107 - - Judge Pitman's Watch _Max Adeler_ 110 - - An Æsthetic Housekeeper 111 - - "Mebbe" Joe's True Fish Story 112 - - Aunt Sophronia Tabor at the Opera 114 - - The Village Choir _Andre's Journal_ 117 - - The Light From Over the Range 118 - - The Christening _E. T. Corbett_ 121 - - Mr. Covill Proves Mathematics _J. M. Bailey_ 123 - - Mary's Lamb on a New Principle 124 - - Address of Spottycus 125 - - Our Visitor, and What He Came For 128 - - In the Catacombs _H. H. Ballard_ 130 - - The Showman's Courtship _A. Ward_ 132 - - Clerical Wit 134 - - Greely's Ride _Mark Twain_ 135 - - No Yearning for the Beautiful _Max Adeler_ 138 - - A Very Naughty Little Girl's View of - Life 141 - - Burdock's Goat 142 - - Awfully Lovely Philosophy 145 - - Aunt Parsons' Story _Presbyterian Journal_ 146 - - The National Game 151 - - A Disturbance in Church _Max Adeler_ 153 - - The Engineer's Story _Eugene J. Hall_ 155 - - The Judge's Search for a Waterfall _Harper's Magazine_ 156 - - The Railroad Crossing 158 - - Asking the Gov'nor 159 - - Intensely Utter _Albany Chronicle_ 162 - - The Way Astors Are Made _J. M. Bailey_ 164 - - A Mysterious Disappearance _Dickens_ 166 - - - THE GRAND ARMY SPEAKER. - - Edited by GEORGE M. BAKER. - - _BOARDS 50 CENTS_ _PAPER 30 CENTS._ - - LEE & SHEPARD, Publishers, Boston. - - CONTENTS. - - PAGE - - The Rescue _John Brownjohn_ 5 - - Decoration _T. W. Higginson_ 8 - - The Little Black-eyed Rebel _Will Carleton_ 9 - - The Palmetto and the Pine _Mrs. Virginia L. French_ 11 - - Battle Hymn _Korner_ 13 - - The Song of the Dying 14 - - By the Alma River _Miss Mulock_ 15 - - At the Soldiers' Graves _Robert Collyer_ 17 - - The Sergeant of the Fiftieth 18 - - The Minute-men of '75 _George William Curtis_ 19 - - Blue and Gray 21 - - Custer's Last Charge _Frederick Whittaker_ 23 - - The Pride of Battery B _F. H. Gassaway_ 25 - - The Cavalry Charge _F. A. Durivage_ 27 - - The Last Redoubt 28 - - Kelly's Ferry _Benjamin F. Taylor_ 30 - - Noble Revenge 34 - - Civil War _Anonymous_ 35 - - "Dashing Rod," Trooper _S. Conant Foster_ 36 - - The Tramp of Shiloh _Joaquin Miller_ 38 - - The Sharpshooter's Miss _Frank H. Gassaway_ 40 - - The Fight at Lookout _R. L. Cary, jun._ 44 - - The Countersign was "Mary" _Margaret Eytinge_ 46 - - A Second Review of the Grand - Army _Bret Harte_ 47 - - The Bivouac of the Dead 49 - - The Tramp _George M. Baker_ 52 - - The Canteen 55 - - The Charge by the Ford 56 - - Harry Brandon _Edmund E. Price_ 58 - - Post Number Three _Sherman D. Richardson_ 59 - - The Patriot Spy _F. M. Finch_ 62 - - The Dandy Fifth _Frank H. Gassaway_ 63 - - The American Flag _Joseph Rodman Drake_ 66 - - Somebody's Darling _Anonymous_ 68 - - "Little Potter's" Story 69 - - The Bravest Boy in Town _Emma Huntington Nason_ 71 - - Our Folks _Ethel Lynn_ 74 - - "Picciola" 76 - - "Fall in" _Mary Clemmer_ 78 - - "The Boys who Never Got Home" _George W. Peck_ 79 - - Abraham Lincoln and the Poor - Woman 80 - - Elizabeth Zane _John S. Adams_ 82 - - Keenan's Charge 84 - - The Old Canteen 86 - - Mobile Bay 88 - - Ravenswood's Oath _A. Wallace Thaxter_ 90 - - The Story of the Swords _Adelaide Cilley Waldron_ 91 - - "Only a Crippled Soldier!" _J. Russell Fisher_ 93 - - Somebody's Pride _Clement Scott_ 97 - - My Wife and Child _Henry Rootes Jackson_ 98 - - The Song of the Drum _I. E. Diekenga_ 99 - - "Bay Billy" _Frank H. Gassaway_ 102 - - Sheridan's Ride 106 - - "Them Yankee Blankits" _Samuel W. Small_ 108 - - The Soldiers' Monument _John L. Swift_ 110 - - The Crutch in the Corner _John McIntosh_ 112 - - Roll-call 113 - - The Cruise of the Monitor _George M. Baker_ 115 - - Missing 117 - - Decoration Day _Mary Bassett Hussey_ 118 - - Back from the War _T. De Witt Talmage_ 120 - - A Piece of Bunting _Hon. F. W. Palmer_ 121 - - Grant's Strategy _Judge Veazey_ 123 - - The Charge at Valley Maloy 124 - - The Hero-woman _George Lippard_ 126 - - Union of Blue and Gray _Paul H. Hayne_ 130 - - After "Taps" _Horace Binney Sargent_ 131 - - The Soldier's Reprieve _Rosa Hartwick Thorpe_ 133 - - At Arlington _James R. Randall_ 135 - - The Man with the Musket _H. S. Taylor_ 137 - - A Baby Peacemaker _Herbert W. Collingwood_ 138 - - The Veterans _General Sherman_ 141 - - Barbara Frietchie _Whittier_ 142 - - What Saved the Union 144 - - Re-enlisted _Lucy Larcom_ 145 - - The Soldier's Dream _C. G. Fall_ 147 - - - IRISH DIALECT RECITATIONS. - - Edited by GEORGE M. BAKER. - - _BOARDS 50 CENTS_ _PAPER 30 CENTS._ - - LEE & SHEPARD, Publishers, Boston. - - CONTENTS. - - PAGE - - How Teddy Saved His Bacon 5 - - Mr. O'Hoolahan's Mistake 7 - - The Last of the Sarpints 9 - - The Irish Boy and the Priest 11 - - An Irish Wake 12 - - Biddy's Philosophy _R. H. Stoddard_ 14 - - Reflections on the Needle _Cormac O'Leary_ 15 - - The Red O'Neil _Thomas S. Collier_ 16 - - Deaf and Dumb _Anna F. Burnham_ 20 - - Mr. Murphy Explains His Son's Conduct 21 - - A Ram for Ould Oireland 22 - - The Gridiron _William B. Fowle_ 23 - - The "O'Meara Consolidated" _Va. City Enterprise_ 26 - - Paddy's Metamorphosis _Moore_ 28 - - The Widow O'Shane's Rent 29 - - Why Biddy and Pat Got Married 30 - - Don Squixet's Ghost _Harry Bolingbroke_ 31 - - Mr. O'Gallagher's Three Roads to - Learning _Captain Marryat_ 33 - - Two Irish Idyls _Alfred Perceval Graves_ 37 - - The Broken Pitcher 39 - - Paddy's Excelsior _Harper's Magazine_ 40 - - The Irish Philosopher 41 - - Mary Maloney's Philosophy _Philadelphia Bulletin_ 42 - - Bridget McRae's Wedding Anniversary _Nina Gray_ 44 - - Paddy O'Rafther _Samuel Lover_ 45 - - Pat's Reason 47 - - O'Branigan's Drill _W. W. Fink_ 47 - - Pat and the Pig 48 - - Pat and the Oysters 50 - - A Penitent _Margaret Eytinge_ 51 - - Mike McGaffaty's Dog _Mark Melville_ 51 - - Jimmy Butler and the Owl 53 - - Tipperary 56 - - Pat's Dream of Heaven 58 - - Biddy's Troubles 61 - - Make It Four, Yer Honor 62 - - The Post-Boy _Mrs C. J. Despard_ 64 - - That Fire at the Nolans' _Life_ 67 - - Ninety-Eight 70 - - Pat's Bondsman _Lilian A. Moulton_ 71 - - Washee, Washee _Joaquin Miller_ 73 - - Annie's Ticket 74 - - O'Thello _Harper's Magazine_ 76 - - Lanty Leary _Samuel Lover_ 77 - - Katie's Answer 78 - - Paddy's Dream 79 - - Lessons in Cookery _Detroit Free Press_ 80 - - The Irish Traveller 82 - - Teddy's Six Bulls 82 - - A Miracle _Charles H. Webber_ 84 - - Pat and Miss Skitty _Bessie Bently_ 84 - - At the Rising of the Moon _Leo Casey_ 86 - - The Irish Schoolmaster 87 - - How Dennis Took the Pledge 89 - - When McGue Puts the Baby to Sleep 90 - - The Confession _Samuel Lover_ 91 - - Father Phil's Collection _Samuel Lover_ 92 - - St. Patrick's Martyrs 100 - - Pat's Correspondence _W. M. Giffin_ 102 - - Little Pat and the Parson 104 - - Patrick O'Rouke and the Frogs _George W. 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