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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2478383 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #51108 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/51108) diff --git a/old/51108-0.txt b/old/51108-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 6ca1c69..0000000 --- a/old/51108-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,7303 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Medley Dialect Recitations Comprising A -Series of The Most Popular Selections i, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Medley Dialect Recitations Comprising A Series of The Most Popular Selections in German, French, Scotch - -Author: Various - -Editor: George M. Baker - -Release Date: February 2, 2016 [EBook #51108] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS *** - - - - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, David Edwards and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - - STANDARD ELOCUTIONARY BOOKS - - =FIVE-MINUTE READINGS FOR YOUNG LADIES.= Selected and adapted by - WALTER K. FOBES. Cloth. 50 cents. - - =FIVE-MINUTE DECLAMATIONS.= Selected and adapted by WALTER K. - FOBES, teacher of elocution and public reader; author of - "Elocution Simplified." Cloth. 50 cents. - - =FIVE-MINUTE RECITATIONS.= By WALTER K. FOBES. Cloth. 50 cents. - - Pupils in public schools on declamation days are limited to five - minutes each for the delivery of "pieces." There is a great - complaint of the scarcity of material for such a purpose, while - the injudicious pruning of eloquent extracts has often marred the - desired effects. To obviate these difficulties, new "Five-Minute" - books have been prepared by a competent teacher. - - =ELOCUTION SIMPLIFIED.= With an appendix on Lisping, Stammering, - and other Impediments of Speech. By WALTER K. FOBES, graduate of - the "Boston School of Oratory." 16mo. Cloth. 50 cents. Paper, 30 - cents. - - "The whole art of elocution is succinctly set forth in this small - volume, which might be judiciously included among the text-books of - schools."--_New Orleans Picayune._ - - =ADVANCED READINGS AND RECITATIONS.= By AUSTIN B. FLETCHER, A.M., - LL.B., Professor of Oratory, Brown University, and Boston - University School of Law. This book has been already adopted in a - large number of Universities, Colleges, Post-graduate Schools of - Law and Theology, Seminaries, etc. 12mo. Cloth. $1.50. - - "Professor Fletcher's noteworthy compilation has been made with - rare rhetorical judgment, and evinces a sympathy for the best forms - of literature, adapted to attract readers and speakers, and mould - their literary taste."--PROF. J. W. CHURCHILL, _Andover Theological - Seminary_. - - =THE COLUMBIAN SPEAKER.= Consisting of choice and animated pieces - for declamation and reading. By LOOMIS J. CAMPBELL, and ORIN - ROOT, Jun. 16mo. Cloth. 75 cents. - - Mr. Campbell, as one of the editors of "Worcester's Dictionaries," - the popular "Franklin Readers," and author of the successful - little work, "Pronouncing Hand-Book of 3,000 Words," is well known - as a thorough scholar. Mr. Root is an accomplished speaker and - instructor in the West, and both, through experience knowing the - need of such a work, are well qualified to prepare it. _It is a - genuine success._ - - =VOCAL AND ACTION-LANGUAGE, CULTURE AND EXPRESSION.= By E. N. - KIRBY, teacher of elocution in the Lynn High Schools. 12mo. - English cloth binding. Price, $1.25. - - "Teachers and students of the art of public speaking, in any of - its forms, will be benefited by a liberal use of this practical - hand-book."--_Prof. Churchill._ - - =KEENE'S SELECTIONS.= Selection for reading and elocution. A - hand-book for teachers and students. By J. W. KEENE, A.M., M.D. - Cloth. $1. - - "An admirable selection of practical pieces." - - =LITTLE PIECES FOR LITTLE SPEAKERS.= The primary school teacher's - assistant. By a practical teacher. 16mo. Illustrated. 75 cents. - Also in boards, 50 cents. Has had an immense sale. - - =THE MODEL SUNDAY-SCHOOL SPEAKER.= Containing selections in prose - and verse, from the most popular pieces and dialogues for - Sunday-school exhibitions. Illust. Cloth. 75 cents. Boards, 50 - cents "A book very much needed." - - LEE AND SHEPARD Publishers Boston - - - - - _BAKER'S DIALECT SERIES_ - - MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS - - COMPRISING A SERIES OF - - THE MOST POPULAR SELECTIONS - - In German, French, and Scotch - - - EDITED BY - - GEORGE M. BAKER - - COMPILER OF "THE READING CLUB AND HANDY SPEAKER," "THE - PREMIUM SPEAKER," "THE POPULAR SPEAKER," "THE - PRIZE SPEAKER," "THE HANDY SPEAKER," ETC. - - BOSTON - LEE AND SHEPARD, PUBLISHERS - NEW YORK - CHARLES T. DILLINGHAM - 1888 - - - COPYRIGHT, 1887, - - BY GEORGE M. BAKER. - - MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. - - RAND AVERY COMPANY, - ELECTROTYPERS AND PRINTERS, - BOSTON. - - - - -CONTENTS - - - PAGE - - Hans Breitmann's Party _Charles G. Leland_ 5 - - The Deutsch Maud Muller _Carl Pretzel_ 6 - - The Dutchman's Serenade 7 - - Dyin' Vords of Isaac _Anon._ 9 - - Lookout Mountain, 1863--Beutelsbach, _George L. Catlin_ 10 - 1880 - - Der Shoemaker's Poy 12 - - Der Drummer _Charles F. Adams_ 13 - - The Yankee and the Dutchman's Dog 14 - - Setting a Hen 16 - - "What's the Matter with that _Our Fat Contributor_ 17 - Nose?" - - Keepin' the De'il oot _Mrs. Findley Braden_ 19 - - The Puzzled Census-Taker _John G. Saxe_ 22 - - Dutch Security 23 - - The Frenchman and the Rats 24 - - Heinz von Stein _Charles G. Leland, from the - German_ 26 - - The Solemn Book-Agent _Detroit Free Press_ 27 - - The Mother-in-Law _Charles Follen Adams_ 28 - - Schneider's Tomatoes _Charles F. Adams_ 29 - - Dutch Humor 30 - - Squire Houston's Marriage Ceremony 31 - - Dot Delephone 31 - - The United Order of Half-Shells 33 - - Why no Scotchmen go to Heaven 35 - - Yawcob Strauss _C. F. Adams_ 36 - - Leedle Yawcob Strauss--what - he says _Arthur Dakin_ 37 - - Isaac Rosenthal on the Chinese - Question _Scribner's Monthly_ 38 - - "Der Dog und der Lobster" _Saul Sertrew_ 39 - - "Der Wreck of der Hezberus" 41 - - Signs and Omens 43 - - A Dutchman's Answer 44 - - The Vay Rube Hoffenstein sells 45 - - A Dutch Recruiting Officer 46 - - Dot Baby off Mine 47 - - Dot Leetle Tog under der Vagon 49 - - Schnitzerl's Velocipede _Hans Breitmann_ 50 - - The Latest Barbarie Frietchie 51 - - Mr. Hoffenstein's Bugle 52 - - Fritz and his Betsy fall out _George M. Warren_ 54 - - Cut, Cut Behind _Charles Follen Adams_ 57 - - Tickled all Oafer 58 - - An Error o' Judgment 59 - - Sockery Kadahcut's Kat 61 - - I vash so Glad I vash Here! 63 - - Dot Shly Leedle Raskel 64 - - A Jew's Trouble _Hurwood_ 65 - - Der Mule shtood on der Steamboad Deck _Anon._ 66 - - Teaching him the Business 67 - - Der Good-lookin Shnow 69 - - How Jake Schneider went Blind 71 - - The Dutchman and the Raven 72 - - The Dutchman who gave Mrs. - Scudder the Small-Pox 74 - - Ellen McJones Aberdeen _W. S. Gilbert_ 76 - - A Dutch Sermon 78 - - Shacob's Lament 79 - - Mr. Schmidt's Mistake _Charles F. Adams_ 81 - - John and Tibbie Davison's Dispute _Robert Leighton_ 82 - - Fritz und I _Charles F. Adams_ 84 - - A Tussle with Immigrants _Philip Douglass_ 86 - - A Doketor's Drubbles _George M. Warren_ 86 - - Charlie Machree _William J. Hoppin_ 90 - - A Dutchman's Dolly Varden _Anon._ 91 - - The Frenchmen and the Flea-Powder 92 - - The Frenchman and the Sheep's - Trotters 94 - - I vant to Fly 96 - - The Frenchman's Mistake 98 - - "Two Tollar?" _Detroit Free Press_ 100 - - A Frenchman on Macbeth _Anon._ 101 - - Like Mother used to Make _James Whitcomb Riley, in - New-York Mercury_ 101 - - John Chinaman's Protest 102 - - The Whistler 104 - - Mother's Doughnuts _Charles Follen Adams_ 105 - - Over the Left _W. C. Dornin_ 106 - - A Jolly Fat Friar 107 - - The Enoch of Calaveras _F. Bret Harte_ 107 - - Curly-Head _B. S. Brooks_ 109 - - Warning to Woman 111 - - An Exciting Contest 112 - - A Laughing Philosopher 114 - - In der Shweed Long Ago _Oofty Gooft_ 117 - - Dot Stupporn Pony _Harry Woodson_ 118 - - Spoopendyke opening Oysters _Stanley Huntley_ 119 - - To a Friend studying German _Charles Godfrey Leland_ 122 - - Tammy's Prize 124 - - The Scotchman at the Play 128 - - An Irish Love-Letter _Geo. M. Baker_ 133 - - - - -MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. - - - - -HANS BREITMANN'S PARTY. - - - Hans Breitmann gife a party: dey had piano playin'. - I felled in lofe mit a Merican frau; her name vos Matilda Yane. - She had haar as prown as a pretzel bun; her eyes were himmel-blue; - And ven she looket into mine she shplit mine heart into two. - - Hans Breitmann gife a party: I vent dar, you'll be pound. - I valzt mit der Matilda Yane, and vent shpinnin' round and round,-- - De pootiest fraulein in de house: she weighed two hoondert pound. - - Hans Breitmann gife a party: I tells you it cost him dear. - Dey rollt in more as seven kegs of foost-rate lager-bier; - And fenefer dey knocks de shpickets in, de Deutschers gife a cheer; - I dinks so fine a party not come to a hend dis year. - - Hans Breitmann gife a party: dere all vas Saus and Braus. - Ven de sooper coom in, de gompany did make demselfs to house; - Dey eat das Brod und Gansebrust, Bratwurst, und Broten fine, - And vash deir Abendessen down mit four barrels of Neckar wein. - - Hans Breitmann gife a party: ve all cot trunk as pigs. - I put mine mout' to a parrel of bier, and schwallowed up mit a schwigs. - And den I kissed Matilda Yane, and she schlog me on de kop; - And de gompany fight mit taple-legs till de conshtoble made us shtop. - - Hans Breitmann gife a party: vere is dat party now? - Vere is de lofely golten cloud dat float on de mountain's prow? - Vere is de Himmelstrahlende Stern, de star of de spirits' light? - All goned afay mit de lager-bier, afay in de Ewigkeit. - - CHARLES G. LELAND. - - - - -THE DEUTSCH MAUD MULLER. - - - Maud Muller, von summer afternoon, - Vas dending bar in her fadder's saloon. - She solt dot bier, und singed "Shoo Fly," - Und vinked at der men mit her lefd eye. - But, ven she looked oud on der shdreed, - Und saw dem gals all dressed so shweed, - Her song gifed oud on a ubber note, - Cause she had such a horse in her troat; - Und she vished she had shdamps to shpend, - So she might git such a Grecian Bend. - Hans Brinker valked shlowly down der shdreed, - Shmilin at all der gals he'd meed. - Old Hans vas rich, as I've been dold, - Had houses und lots und a barrel of gold. - He shdopped py der door; und pooty soon - He valked righd indo dot bier saloon. - Und he vinked ad Maud, und said, "My dear, - Gif me, if you pblease, a glass of bier." - She vend to the pblace vere der bier-keg shtood, - Und pringed him a glass dot vas fresh and goot. - "Dot's goot," said Hans: "dot's a better drink - As effer I had in mine life, I dink." - He dalked for a vhile, den said, "Goot tay;" - Und up der shdreed he took his vay. - Maud hofed a sigh, and said, "Oh, how - I'd like to been dot old man's frow! - Such shplendid close I den vood vear, - Dot all the gals around vood shdare. - In dot Union Park I'd drive all tay, - Und efery efenin go to der pblay." - Hans Brinker, doo, felt almighty gweer - (But dot might been von trinkin bier); - Und he says to himself, as he valked along - Humming der dune of a olt lofe-song, - "Dot's der finest gal I efer did see; - Und I vish dot my vife she cood be." - But here his solilligwy came to an end, - As he dinked of der gold dot she might shbend; - Und he maked up his mind dot, as for him, - He'd marry a gal mid lots of "din." - So he vent right off dot fery day, - Und married a vooman olt und gray. - He vishes now, but all in vain, - Dot he was free to marry again,-- - Free as he vas dat afdernoon, - When he met Maud Muller in dot bier-saloon. - Maud married a man mitoud some "soap;" - He vas lazy, too; bud she did hope - Dot he'd get bedder ven shildren came: - But ven they had, he vas yoost the same. - Und ofden now dem dears vill come - As she sits alone ven her day's work's done, - Und dinks of der day ven Hans called her "My dear," - Und asked her for a glass of bier; - But she don'd complain nor efer has: - Und oney says, "Dot coodn't vas." - - CARL PRETZEL. - - - - -THE DUTCHMAN'S SERENADE. - - - Vake up, my schveet! Vake up, my lofe! - Der moon dot can't been seen abofe. - Vake oud your eyes, und dough it's late, - I'll make you oud a serenate. - - Der shtreet dot's kinder dampy vet, - Und dhere vas no goot blace to set; - My fiddle's getting oud of dune, - So blease get vakey wery soon. - - O my lofe! my lofely lofe! - Am you avake ub dhere abofe, - Feeling sad und nice to hear - Schneider's fiddle schrabin near? - - Vell, anyvay, obe loose your ear, - Und try to saw if you kin hear - From dem bedclose vat you'm among, - Der little song I'm going to sung: - - * * * * * - - O lady, vake! Get vake! - Und hear der tale I'll tell; - Oh, you vot's schleebin' sound ub dhere, - I like you pooty vell! - - Your plack eyes dhem don't shine - Ven you'm ashleep--so vake! - (Yes, hurry up, und voke up quick, - For gootness cracious sake!) - - My schveet imbatience, lofe, - I hobe you vill oxcuse: - I'm singing schveetly (dhere, py Jinks! - Dhere goes a shtring proke loose!) - - O putiful, schveet maid! - Oh, vill she efer voke? - Der moon is mooning--(Jimminy! dhere - Anoder shtring vent proke!) - - Oh, say, old schleeby head! - (Now I vas getting mad-- - I'll holler now, und I don't care - Uf I vake up her dad!) - - I say, you schleeby, vake! - Vake oud! Vake loose! Vake ub! - Fire! Murder! Police! Vatch! - Oh, cracious! do vake ub! - - * * * * * - - Dot girl she schleebed--dot rain it rained, - Und I looked shtoopid like a fool, - Vhen mit my fiddle I shneaked off - So vet und shlobby like a mool! - - - - -DYIN' VORDS OF ISAAC. - - -Vhen Shicago vas a leedle villages, dher lifed dherein py dot Clark -Sdhreet out, a shentlemans who got some names like Isaacs; he geeb a -cloting store, mit goots dot vit you yoost der same like dhey vas made. -Isaacs vas a goot fellers, und makes goot pishness on his hause. Vell, -thrade got besser as der time he vas come, und dose leetle shtore vas -not so pig enuff like anudder shtore, und pooty gwick he locks out und -leaves der pblace. - -Now Yacob Schloffenheimer vas a shmard feller; und he dinks of he dook -der olt shtore, he got good pishness, und dose olt coostomers von -Isaac out. Von tay dhere comes a shentlemans on his store, und Yacob -quick say of der mans, "How you vas, mein freund? you like to look of -mine goots, aind it?"--"Nein," der mans say. "Vell, mein freund, it -makes me notting troubles to show dot goots."--"Nein; I don'd vood buy -sometings to-tay."--"Yoost come mit me vonce, mein freund, und I show -you sometings, und so hellup me gracious, I don'd ask you to buy dot -goots."--"Vell, I told you vat it vas, I don'd vood look at some tings -yoost now; I keebs a livery shtable; und I likes to see mein old freund -Mister Isaacs, und I came von Kaintucky out to see him vonce."--"Mister -Isaacs? Vell, dot ish pad; I vas sorry von dot. I dells you, mein -freund, Mister Isaacs he vas died. He vas mein brudder, und he vas not -mit us eny more. Yoost vhen he vas on his deat-ped, und vas dyin', he -says of me, 'Yacob, (dot ish mine names), und I goes me ofer mit his -petside, und he poods his hands of mine, und he says of me, 'Yacob' -ofer a man he shall come von Kaintucky out, mit ret hair, und mit plue -eyes, Yacob, sell him dings cheab;' und he lay ofer und died his last." - - _Anonymous._ - - - - -LOOKOUT MOUNTAIN, 1863--BEUTELSBACH, 1880. - - - "Yah, I shpeaks English a leetle: berhaps you shpeaks petter der - German." - "No, not a word."--"Vel den, meester, it hardt for to be oonderstandt. - I vos drei yahr in your country, I fights in der army mit Sherman-- - Twentiet Illinois Infantry--Fightin' Joe Hooker's commandt." - - "So you've seen service in Georgia--a veteran, eh?"--"Vell, I tell you - Shust how it vos. I vent ofer in sixty, und landt in Nei-York; - I sphends all mine money, gets sick, und near dies in der Hospiddal - Bellevue: - Ven I gets petter I tramps to Sheecago to look for some vork." - - "Pretty young then, I suppose?"--"Yah, svansig apout; und der peobles - Vot I goes to for to ask for some vork, dey hafe none for to geef; - Efery von laughs; but I holds my head ope shust so high as der - steeples. - Only dot var comes along, or I should have die, I belief." - - "Ever get wounded? I notice you walk rather lame and unsteady. - Pshaw! got a wooden leg, eh? What battle? At Lookout! don't say! - I was there too--wait a minute--your beer-glass is empty already - Call for another. There! tell me how 'twas you got wounded that day." - - "Vell, ve charge ope der side of her mountain--der sky vos all smoky - and hazy; - Ve fight all day long in der clouds, but I nefer get hit until night-- - But--I don't care to say mooch apout it. Der poys called me foolish - and crazy. - Und der doctor vot cut ofe my leg, he say, 'Goot'--dot it serf me - shust right. - - "But I dinks I vood do dot thing over again, shust der same, and no - matter - Vot any man say."--"Well, let's hear it--you needn't mind talking to - me, - For I was there, too, as I tell you--and Lor'! how the bullets did - patter - Around on that breastwork of boulders that sheltered our Tenth - Tennessee." - - "So? Dot vos a Tennessee regiment charged upon ours in de efening, - Shust before dark; und dey yell as dey charge, und ve geef a hurrah, - Der roar of der guns, it vos orful."--"Ah! yes, I remember, 'twas - deafening, - The hottest musketry firing that ever our regiment saw." - - "Und after ve drove dem back, und der night come on, I listen, - Und dinks dot I hear somepody a callin'--a voice dot cried, - 'Pring me some vater for Gott's sake'--I saw his pelt-bate glisten, - Oonder der moonlight, on der parapet, shust outside. - - "I dhrow my canteen ofer to vere he lie, but he answer - Dot his left handt vos gone, und his right arm proke mit a fall; - Den I shump ofer, und gife him to drink, but shust as I ran, sir, - Bang! come a sharp-shooter's pullet; und dot's how it vos--dot is all." - - "And they called you foolish and crazy, did they? Him you befriended-- - The 'reb,' I mean--what became of him? Did he ever come 'round?" - "Dey tell me he crawl to my side, und call till his strength vos all - ended, - Until dey come out mit der stretchers, und carry us off from der - ground. - - "But pefore ve go, he ask me my name, und says he, 'Yacob Keller, - You loses your leg for me, und some day, if both of us leefs, - I shows you I don't vorget'--but he most hafe died, de poor feller; - I nefer hear ofe him since. He don't get vell, I beliefs. - - "Only I alvays got der saddisfachshun ofe knowin'-- - Shtop! vots der matter? Here, take some peer, you're vite as a sheet-- - Shteady! your handt on my shoulder! my gootness! I dinks you vos goin' - To lose your senses avay, und fall right off mit der seat. - - "Geef me your handts. Vot! der left one gone? Und you vos a soldier - In dot same battle?--a Tennessee regiment?--dot's mighty queer-- - Berhaps after all you're--" "Yes, Yacob, God bless you old fellow, I - told you - I'd never--no, never forget you. I told you I'd come, and I'm here." - - GEORGE L. CATLIN. - - - - -DER SHOEMAKER'S POY. - - - Der meat-chopper hanged on der vhitevashed vall, - For no gustomers comed to der putcher's shtall; - Der sausage masheen was no longer in blay, - And der putcher poys all had a holiday. - Der shoemaker's poy comed dere to shlide - On der door of der zellar, but shtealed inside: - Mit der chopping masheen he peginned to make free, - Un he cried, "Dere ish nopody looking at me." - O! der shoemaker's poy, - Un, O! der shoemaker's poy! - - Der day goed avay, un der night comed on. - Ven der shoemaker vound dat his poy vas gone, - He called up his vrow, un der search pegan - To look for der poy, un vind him if dey can. - Dey seeked un asked for him at efery door,-- - At der putcher's, der paker's, un groshery shtore; - At der lager-pier cellar, der shtation-house; - But der answer dey getted vas, "Nix cum arous." - O! der shoemaker's poy, - Un, O! der shoemaker's poy! - - Dey seeked him all night, un dey seeked him next tay - Un for more as a mont vas der duyvil to pay, - In der alleys, der houses, un efery place round, - In der Toombs, in der rifer, un in der tog-pound. - Dey seeked him in vain undil veeks vas bast, - Un der shoemaker goed to his awl at _last_; - Un ven he'd passed py, all der peeples vould cry, - "Dere goes der shoemaker vot losed his poy!" - O! der shoemaker's poy, - Un, O! der shoemaker's poy! - - At lenkt der meat-chopping masheen vas in need: - Der putcher goed to it, un dere he seed - A pundle of pones; un der shoes vas dere - Vot der long-lost shoemaker's poy did vear. - His jaws were still vagging, un seemed to say, - "Ven no one vas here, I got in to blay: - It closed mit a shpring, un der poy so green - Vas made sausage-meat by der chopping masheen." - O! der shoemaker's poy, - Der _last_ of der shoemaker's poy! - - - - -DER DRUMMER. - - - Who puts oup at der pest hotel, - Und dakes his oysters on der schell, - Und mit der frauleins cuts a schwell? - Der drummer. - - Who vas it gomes indo mine schtore, - Drows down his pundles on der vloor, - Und nefer schtops to shut der door? - Der drummer. - - Who dakes me by der handt, unt say, - "Hans Pfeiffer, how you vas to-day?" - Und goes for peesnis righd avay? - Der drummer. - - Who sphreads his zamples in a trice, - Und dells me, "Look, und see how nice!" - Und says I gets "der bottom price"? - Der drummer. - - Who says der tings vas eggstra vine,-- - "Vrom Sharmany, ubon der Rhine,"-- - Und sheats me den dimes oudt of nine? - Der drummer. - - Who dells how sheap der goots vas bought, - Mooch less as vat I gould imbort, - But lets dem go as he vas "short"? - Der drummer. - - Who varrants all der goots to suit - Der gustomers ubon his route?-- - Und ven dey gomes dey vas no goot,-- - Der drummer. - - Who gomes aroundt ven I been oudt, - Drinks oup my bier, and eates mine _kraut_, - Und kiss Katrina in der mout? - Der drummer. - - Who, ven he gomes again dis vay, - Vill hear vot Pfeiffer has to say, - Und mit a plack eye goes avay? - Dot drummer. - - CHARLES F. ADAMS - - - - -THE YANKEE AND THE DUTCHMAN'S DOG. - - -Hiram was a quiet, peaceable sort of a Yankee, who lived on the same -farm on which his fathers had lived before him, and was generally -considered a pretty cute sort of a fellow,--always ready with a trick, -whenever it was of the least utility; yet, when he did play any of his -tricks, 'twas done in such an innocent manner, that his victim could do -no better than take it all in good part. - -Now, it happened that one of Hiram's neighbors sold a farm to a -tolerably green specimen of a Dutchman,--one of the real unintelligent, -stupid sort. - -Von Vlom Schlopsch had a dog, as Dutchmen often have, who was less -unintelligent than his master, and who had, since leaving his -"faderland," become sufficiently civilized not only to appropriate the -soil as common stock, but had progressed so far in the good work as to -obtain his dinners from the neighbors' sheepfold on the same principle. - -When Hiram discovered this propensity in the canine department of -the Dutchman's family, he walked over to his new neighbor's to enter -complaint, which mission he accomplished in the most natural method in -the world. - -"Wall, Von, your dog Blitzen's been killing my sheep." - -"Ya! dat ish bace--bad. He ish von goot tog: ya! dat ish bad!" - -"Sartain, it's bad; and you'll have to stop 'im." - -"Ya! dat ish allas goot; but ich weis nicht." - -"What's that you say? _he was niched?_ Wall, now look here, old feller! -nickin's no use. Crop 'im; cut the tail off close, chock up to his -trunk: that'll cure him." - -"Vat ish dat?" exclaimed the Dutchman, while a faint ray of -intelligence crept over his features. "Ya! dat ish goot. Dat cure von -sheep steal, eh?" - -"Sartain it will: he'll never touch sheep-meat again in this world," -said Hiram gravely. - -"Den come mit me. He von mity goot tog; all the way from Yarmany: I not -take one five dollar--but come mit me, and hold his tail, eh? Ich chop -him off." - -"Sartain," said Hiram: "I'll hold his tail if you want me tew; but you -must cut it up close." - -"Ya! dat ish right. Ich make 'im von goot tog. There, Blitzen, Blitzen! -come right here, you von sheep steal rashcull: I chop your tail in von -two pieces." - -The dog obeyed the summons; and the master tied his feet fore and aft, -for fear of accident, and, placing the tail in the Yankee's hand, -requested him to lay it across a large block of wood. - -"Chock up," said Hiram, as he drew the butt of the tail close over the -log. - -"Ya! dat ish right. Now, you von tief sheep, I learns you better luck," -said Von Vlom Schlopsch, as he raised the axe. - -It descended; and, as it did so, Hiram, with characteristic presence of -mind, gave a sudden jerk, and brought Blitzen's neck over the log; and -the head rolled over the other side. - -"Wall, I swow!" said Hiram with apparent astonishment, as he dropped -the headless trunk of the dog: "that was a _leetle_ too close." - -"Mine cootness!" exclaimed the Dutchman, "_you shust cut 'im off de -wrong end_!" - - - - -SETTING A HEN. - - - -I see dot most efferpody wrides someding for de shicken bapers nowtays, -und I tought praps meppe I can do dot too, so I wride all apout vat -dook blace mit me lasht summer. You know--oder uf you dond know, den I -dells you--dot Katrina (dot is mein vrow) und me, ve keep some shickens -for a long dime ago, und von tay she sait to me: "Sockery (dot is mein -name) vy dond you put some of de aigs under dot old plue hen shickens? -I dinks she vants to sate." "Vell," I sait, "meppe I guess I vill." So -I picked out some uf de pest aigs und dook um oud to de parn fare de -olt hen make her nesht in de side uf de hay-mow, poud five or six veet -up. Now you see I nefer vas ferry pig up und town, but I vas booty pig -all de vay around in de mittle, so I koodn't reach up dill I vent und -got a parrel do stant on. Vell, I klimet me on de parrel, und ven my -hed risht up by de nesht, dot old hen she gif me such a bick dot my -nose runs all ofer my face mit plood, und ven I todge pack dot plasted -old parrel he preak, und I vent town kershlam; py cholly, I didn't -tink I kood go inside a parrel pefore; but dere I vos, und I fit so -dite I koodn't get me oud efferway; my fest vas bushed vay up under my -arm-holes. - -Ven I fount I vas dite shtuck, I holler, "Katrina! Katrina!" und ven -she koom und see me shtuck in de parrel up to my arm-holes, mit my face -all plood und aigs, by cholly, she shust lait town on de hay und laft -und laft, till I got so mat I said, "Vot you lay dere und laf like a -olt vool, eh? Vy dond you koom bull me oud?" Und she sat up und said, -"Oh, vipe off your chin, und bull your fest town;" den she lait back -und laft like she voot split herself more as effer. Mat as I vas, I -tought to myself, Katrina, she shbeak English booty goot, but I only -sait, mit my greatest dignitude, "Katrina, vill you bull me oud dis -parrel?" und she see dot I look booty red, so she sait, "Of course I -vill, Sockery;" den she laidt me und de parrel town on our side, und I -dook holt de door-sill, und Katrina she bull on de parrel; but de first -bull she mate I yelled, "Donner und blitzen! sthop dat, by cholly, dere -is nails in de parrel!" You see de nails pent town ven I vent in, but -ven I koom oud dey schticks in me all de vay rount. - -Vell, to make a short shtory long, I told Katrina to go und dell -naper Hansman to pring a saw und saw me dis parrel off. Vell, he koom -und he like to shblit himself mit laf, too; but he roll me ofer, und -saw de parrel all de vay around off, und I git up mit haf a parrel -round my vaist; den Katrina she say, "Sockery, vait a little till I -get a battern of dot new ofer-skirt you haf on;" but I didn't sait -a vort. I shust got a knife oud und vittle de hoops off, und shling -dot confountet old parrel in dot voot-pile. Pimeby, ven I koom in de -house, Katrina she sait, so soft like, "Sockery, dond you goin to put -some aigs under dot olt plue hen?" Den I sait, in my deepest woice, -"Katrina, uf you uffer say dot to me again, I'll git a pill from -you--help me chiminy gracious!" und I dell you, she didn't say dot any -more! Vell, ven I shtep on a parrel now, I dond shtep on it; I git a -pox. - - - - -"WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THAT NOSE?" - - -Snyder kept a beer-saloon some years ago "over the Rhine." Snyder was -a ponderous Teuton of very irascible temper,--"sudden and quick in -quarrel,"--get mad in a minute. Nevertheless his saloon was a great -resort for the boys,--partly because of the excellence of his beer, and -partly because they liked to chafe "old Snyder" as they called him; -for, although his bark was terrific, experience had taught them that he -wouldn't bite. - -One day Snyder was missing; and it was explained by his "frau," -who "jerked" the beer that day, that he had "gone out fishing mit -der poys." The next day one of the boys, who was particularly fond -of "roasting" old Snyder, dropped in to get a glass of beer, and -discovered Snyder's nose, which was a big one at any time, swollen and -blistered by the sun, until it looked like a dead-ripe tomato. - -"Why, Snyder, what's the matter with your nose?" said the caller. - -"I peen out fishing mit der poys," replied Snyder, laying his finger -tenderly against his proboscis: "the sun it pes hot like ash der tifel, -unt I purns my nose. Nice nose, don't it?" And Snyder viewed it with -a look of comical sadness in the little mirror back of his bar. It -entered at once into the head of the mischievous fellow in front of -the bar to play a joke upon Snyder; so he went out and collected half -a dozen of his comrades, with whom he arranged that they should drop -in at the saloon one after another, and ask Snyder, "What's the matter -with that nose?" to see how long he would stand it. The man who put up -the job went in first with a companion, and, seating themselves at a -table called for beer. Snyder, brought it to them; and the new-comer -exclaimed as he saw him, "Snyder, what's the matter with your nose?" - -"I yust dell your frient here I peen out fishin' mit der poys, unt the -sun he purnt 'em--zwi lager--den cents--all right." - -Another boy rushes in. "Halloo, boys, you're ahead of me this time: -s'pose I'm in, though. Here, Snyder, bring me a glass of lager and -a pret"--(appears to catch a sudden glimpse of Snyder's nose, looks -wonderingly a moment, and then bursts out laughing)--"ha! ha! ha! Why, -Snyder,--ha!--ha!--what's the matter with that nose?" - -Snyder, of course, can't see any fun in having a burnt nose or having -it laughed at; and he says, in a tone sternly emphatic,-- - -"I've peen out fishing mit der poys, unt de sun it juse as hot like ash -dar tifel, unt I purnt my nose; dat ish all right." - -Another tormentor comes in, and insists on "setting 'em up" for the -whole house. "Snyder," says he, "fill up the boys' glasses, and -take a drink yourse----ho! ho! ho! ho! ha! ha! ha! Snyder, wha--ha! -ha!--what's the matter with that nose?" - -Snyder's brow darkens with wrath by this time, and his voice grows -deeper and sterner,-- - -"I peen out fishin' mit der poys on der Leedle Miami. De sun pese hot -like as--vel, I purn my pugle. Now, that is more vot I don't got to -say. Vot gind o' peseness? Dat ish all right; I purn my own nose, don't -it?" - -"Burn your nose,--burn all the hair off your head, for what I care; you -needn't get mad about it." - -It was evident that Snyder wouldn't stand more than one more tweak at -that nose; for he was tramping about behind his bar, and growling like -an exasperated old bear in his cage. Another one of his tormentors -walks in. Some one sings out to him, "Have a glass of beer, Billy?" - -"Don't care about any beer," says Billy, "but, Snyder, you may give -me one of your best ciga--Ha-a-a! ha! ha! ha! ho! ho! ho! he! he! he! -ah-h-h-ha! ha! ha! ha! Why--why--Snyder--who--who--ha-ha! ha! what's -the matter with that nose?" - -Snyder was absolutely fearful to behold by this time; his face was -purple with rage, all except his nose, which glowed like a ball of -fire. Leaning his ponderous figure far over the bar, and raising his -arm aloft to emphasize his words with it, he fairly roared,-- - -"I've been out fishin' mit ter poys. The sun it pese hot like ash never -vas. I purnt my nose. Now you no like dose nose, you yust take yose -nose unt wr-wr-wr-wring your mean American finger mit em! That's the -kind of man vot I am!" - -And Snyder was right. - - OUR FAT CONTRIBUTOR. - - - - -KEEPIN' THE DE'IL OOT. - - -He cam' to the door o' my heart the nicht Wat Birney kilt puir dog -Speed for worritin' his Sou'-Downs. - -An' the De'il was a bra knocker. "Dugald Moir," he ca'd, loud an' lang, -"opit the door!" - -"Nay," said I. "You maun stay oot." - -"But I ha'e summat to say." - -"I dinna care to listen." - -"It's a bit o' gude advice." - -"Keep it, then. You'll need it afore you dee." - -"But it's aboot Wat Birney. He murdered your auld dog Speed. You maun -ha'e revenge." - -"The colley was trespassin'." - -"Ay, but Wat kilt him i' cauld blood." - -"Weel, he had often warnt us baith to keep off o' his groun'." - -"But Wat Birney's bin a bad naybor for years." - -"An' sae ha'e I, for the matter o' that. We dinna speak." - -"Speed's death maun be revenged. Set Wat's fat straw-stack afire. It -wad mak' a gran' blaze." - -"Nay, nay!" I cried. "Gae lang noo. I willna be your partner i' ony -sich doin's!" - -At that, the De'il bided awee. But I cud hear him lashin' his tail just -outside my heart-door. It was bolted an' barred sae that he cudna walk -i'. "Dugald Moir," he ca'd again, "ha'e you buried puir Speed?" - -"Nay, Mister De'il. I canna pairt wi' him juist noo." - -"Wat's Sou'-Downs will nibble the sod aboon his grave. Better pop owre -ane or twa o' them. You ca' then feed your loss wi' a bit o' roast -mutton. It wad ainly be tooth for tooth." - -"I daurna, auld Timpter. The Maister's Book says: 'Return gude for -evil.' Wat's Sou'-Downs are nae mine to kill an' eat." - -"Hoot, mon! Was Speed his ain dog to shoot doon i' a minit?" - -"But he was worritin' the wee lambs o' the flock." - -Here the De'il knockit hard an' strong. "Dugald Moir, Wat ha'e a dog o' -his ain. Ca' him up, an' treat him to a bit o' poisoned meat. That wad -ainly be tit for tat." - -"Nay, again, Mister De'il. Wat's dog Bruce ance fished my bairn oot -o' the burn. He's a bra' beast, an' weel worth twa o' puir, meddlin' -Speed." - -"But that wad ainly mak' your revenge completer." - -"I willna tak' revenge. I'll do Wat sum gude turn i' place o' it. I -maun heap coals o' fire on his head." - -Then the De'il knockit ance mair. "Dugald Moir, I thocht you a mon o' -spirit! You'll be the butt o' the country-side. Get even wi' Wat Birney -while you ca'. It isna yet too late. He's cumin' up the glen. Speed's -killin' was an insult; wipe it oot wi' your fists." - -"But sister Bel luvs the lad. He'll be my ain brither sune. I wauna -lift a han' to my brither." - -"Whist! ha's nae mair your brither than I!" - -"Nay, an' thank God for that las'! Gang awa'. You canna enter the heart -o' Dugald Moir." - -There was a knock at the hoose door just then; an' Wat Birney hissel' -entered, wi' Bruce at his heels. Puir Speed lay deid between us. - -"W'at wad you ha'e?" I asked, stern-loike, for the De'il was batterin's -awa' at my heart's door. - -The lad held oot his han'. "I ha'e cam' to mak' peace. We maun be -friends." - -But I turned awa' i' anger. "We canna. Dinna ask it." - -Ay, but the De'il was knockit fas' an' loud then. But Wat Birney cud -not ken. - -"Bruce ha'e cam' to tak' Speed's place," he said. - -It was a bra' giftie, but I wadna heed. "I dinna want him," I cried. -"Bring Speed bac' to life--if you ca'." - -"I wish I cud, mon, for Bel's sake. We mauna quarrel." - -"Knockit him doon!" shouted the De'il, shrill as a bagpipe. - -I lifted my arm; but Wat was such a slender lad, I cudna strike. - -"Dinna you do it, Dugald. I canna forgi'e a blow," he said. "I kilt -puir Speed, but I'm baith ready an' willin' to gi'e you Bruce i' his -stead. It will ainly be a fair exchange. Here's the colley, an' my han' -on it. Cum, naybor, what say you?" - -"Say you willna ha'e his beast or his friendship," whispered the De'il, -peerin' i' through my heart's window. - -An' I said it. - -There were tears i' honest Wat's blu' een. "I'm sair fashed, Dugald. -I canna gae hame wi'oot your forgi'eness. It's w'at I cam' for, an' I -maun ha'e it. Dinna you min' the day I picht Jeanie oot o' the burn? -Ha'e you forgotten that, mon? Bruce an' I togither saved the lassie's -life." - -"Speed's murder ha'e crosst that oot," I cried. - -The De'il was for climbin' richt i' then, but I kept him bac' wi' my -next words. "Wat Birney, I may forgi'e you i' time, but it will ainly -be for Bel's sake. Gang awa'. The De'il is at wark. I'm nae my ainsel' -this nicht. Tak' puir Speed oot, an' bury him. I canna." - -The lad fell doon at my feet. "I maun ha'e your forgi'eness first, -Dugald Moir. Bel loves us baith, an' we maun love each ither. Say the -word noo; say, Wat, it's a' forgi'en an' forgotten." I thocht o' bonnie -sister Bel, an' said the words owre; but my heart wasna i' them. - -"You dinna mean it," said Wat sadly; "but I'll bury Speed a' the same." - -Then he went oot, draggin' the deid beast after him. I followed a' -unnoticed. Doon i' the glen he dug Speed's grave, an' laid the colley -i' it. When he had finished, he knelt aboon it, an' just prayed aloud. - -"Lord, forgi'e this day's hasty deed, an' help Dugald Moir to forgi'e -it too. He's sair angry wi' me, an' nae wi'oot cause. But thee kens dog -Speed weel earned my bullet. Ainly an hour sin he mangled two o' my -best Sou'-Downs. But Dugald's hate is worse than a'. I maun ha'e the -mon's love an' friendship." - -The De'il ga've a great boun' and left my heart's door as I rushed -roun' to Wat's side. - -"You shall ha'e baith frae this minit," I cried. An' then my arm stole -'boot the lad's neck, juist as I had seen Bel's do on mony a moonlit -nicht. He looked at me, bewildered. - -"I didna dream you wod hear. But it's juist God's ain gude answer. An' -noo you'll tak' Bruce i' Speed's place." - -"Yes," I said; for the De'il had vanished. - -Slowly we walked bac' to the hoose. Bel met us wi' a kiss for baith, -her black een beamin' wi' love and gladness. - -She wedded Wat sune after, an' for forty lang years he ha'e been a -bra', true brither. The De'il hasna visited me sin'. - - _Mrs. Findley Braden._ - - - - -THE PUZZLED CENSUS-TAKER. - - - "_Nein_" (pronounced _nine_) is the German for "_No_." - - "Got any boys?" the marshal said - To a lady from over the Rhine; - And the lady shook her flaxen head, - And civilly answered, "_Nein!_" - - "Got any girls?" the marshal said - To the lady from over the Rhine; - And again the lady shook her head, - And civilly answered, "_Nein!_" - - "But some are dead?" the marshal said - To the lady from over the Rhine; - And again the lady shook her head, - And civilly answered, "_Nein!_" - - "Husband, of course," the marshal said - To the lady from over the Rhine; - And again she shook her flaxen head, - And civilly answered, "_Nein!_" - - "The devil you have!" the marshal said - To the lady from over the Rhine; - And again she shook her flaxen head, - And civilly answered "_Nein!_" - - "Now, what do you mean by shaking your head, - And always answering 'Nine?'" - "_Ich kann nicht Englisch!_" civilly said - The lady from over the Rhine. - - JOHN G. SAXE. - - - - -DUTCH SECURITY. - - -Said Jake Metzenmaker to his sweetheart: - -"Loweeza, you vas a poody gal!" - -To which that bright-eyed young German damsel replied, "Shake, dot vas -nice; say it again." - -"Py golly!" Jake exclaimed; "you vas more peautiful ash a budder-cup, -and I hope you vill marry me right away." - -Then that sensible young woman responded: - -"Shake, I like dot marriage idea poody vell. I pelieve me it vas a -sensible peezness. Und I like you, Shake, more ash a gooble dimes. But -I vants seguridy." - -"Vants seguridy! I undershtand no such dhings," said Jake in amazement. - -"Nein? Right avay I dole you. Ouf you read dose babers, you find out it -vas a great peezness by married fellers to run aroundt the saloon, und -don't like to vork, und oufter the vife say some dhings she got a plack -eye, and then she vas goome by the bolice court for some seguridy for -make him do petter." - -"Put you don't vas pelieve I do such a dhings, Loweeza? I schwear dot, -my lofe--" - -"Schwear vas a leedle fence not more ash a gooble feed high, und you -shump over him ash easy ash you like. I pelieve you vas righdt now, -Shake. Put there vas a great risk, und I vant some seguridy for dose -dime vhen you vill be poss." - -"Und you von'd marry me vidout dot seguridy?" - -"I pelieve me, Shake, it vas petter ve got him now, ask py-und-py ouf -dot bolice court--ain'd id?" - -"Vell, vat seguridy you vant?" - -"I dink, anyvay, a tousand tollar pond vould be apout right." - -"A tousand tollars! I don't ouver I find some man vhat like to schain -hisself by such a gueldt." - -"If you don'd could find a friend mit dot much gonfidence py you, -Shake, vhat sort of a shance you dink I dake?" - - - - -THE FRENCHMAN AND THE RATS. - - - A Frenchman once, who was a merry wight, - Passing to town from Dover, in the night, - Near the roadside an alehouse chanced to spy, - And being rather tired, as well as dry, - Resolved to enter; but first he took a peep, - In hopes a supper he might get, and cheap. - He enters. "Hallo, garçon, if you please, - Bring me a leetel bit of bread and cheese, - And hallo, garçon, a pot of porter, too!" he said, - "Vich I shall take, and den myself to bed." - - His supper done, some scraps of cheese were left, - Which our poor Frenchman, thinking it no theft, - Into his pocket put; then slowly crept - To wished-for bed. But not a wink he slept; - For on the floor some sacks of flour were laid, - To which the rats a nightly visit paid. - Our hero now undressed, popped out the light, - Put on his cap, and bade the world good-night; - But first his breeches, which contained the fare, - Under his pillow he had placed with care. - - _Sans ceremonie_, soon the rats all ran, - And on the flour-sacks greedily began, - At which they gorged themselves; then, smelling round, - Under the pillow soon the cheese they found; - And, while at this they all regaling sat, - Their happy jaws disturbed the Frenchman's nap; - Who, half-awake, cries out, "Hallo, hallo! - Vat is dat nibble at my pillow so? - Ah, 'tis one big--one very big, huge rat! - Vat is it that he nibble, nibble at?" - - In vain our little hero sought repose; - Sometimes the vermin galloped o'er his nose. - And such the pranks they kept up all the night - That he, on end,--antipodes upright,-- - Bawling aloud, called stoutly for a light. - "Hallo, maison, garçon, I say! - Bring me the bill for what I have to pay." - The bill was brought; and, to his great surprise, - Ten shillings was the charge. He scarce believed his eyes. - With eager haste, he quickly runs it o'er, - And every time he viewed it thought it more. - - "Vy, zounds and zounds!" he cries, "I sall no pay; - Vat! charge ten shelangs for what I have _mangé_? - A leetel sop of portar, dis vile bed, - Vare all de rats do run about my head?" - "Plague on those rats!" the landlord muttered out; - "I wish, upon my word, that I could make 'em scout: - I'll pay him well that can."--"Vat's dat you say?" - "I'll pay him well that can."--"Attend to me, I pray: - Vill you dis charge forego, vat I am at, - If from your house I drive away de rat?" - "With all my heart," the jolly host replies. - "_Ecoutez donc, ami_," the Frenchman cries. - "_First den,--regardez_, if you please,-- - Bring to dis spot a leetel bread and cheese: - _Eh bien!_ a pot of porter too; - And den invite de rats to sup vid you; - And after dat,--no matter dey be villing,-- - For vat dey eat, you _charge_ dem just _ten shelang_: - And I am sure, ven dey behold de score, - Dey'll quit your house, and _never come no more_." - - - - -HEINZ VON STEIN. - - - Out rode from his wild, dark castle - The terrible Heinz von Stein; - He came to the door of a tavern, - And gazed on the swinging sign. - - He sat himself down at a table, - And growled for a bottle of wine; - Up came, with a flask and a corkscrew, - A maiden of beauty divine. - - Then, seized with a deep love longing, - He uttered, "O damosel mine, - Suppose you just give a few kisses - To the valorous Ritter von Stein!" - - But she answered, "The kissing business - Is entirely out of my line; - And I certainly will not begin it - On a countenance ugly as thine." - - Oh, then the bold knight was angry, - And cursed both coarse and fine; - And asked, "How much is the swindle - For your sour and nasty wine?" - - And fiercely he rode to the castle, - And set himself down to dine. - And this is the dreadful legend - Of the terrible Heinz von Stein. - - _Charles G. Leland, from the German._ - - - - -THE SOLEMN BOOK-AGENT. - - -He was tall, solemn, and dignified. One would have thought him a -Roman senator on his way to make a speech on finance. But he wasn't, -singularly enough, he wasn't. He was a book-agent. He wore a linen -duster; and his brow was furrowed with many care-lines, as if he had -been obliged to tumble out of bed every other night of his life to dose -a sick child. He called into a tailor-shop on Randolph Street, removed -his hat, took his "Lives of Eminent Philosophers" from its cambric bag, -and approached the tailor with,-- - -"I'd like to have you look at this rare work." - -"I haf no time," replied the tailor. - -"It is a work which every thinking man should delight to peruse," -continued the agent. - -"Zo?" said the tailor. - -"Yes. It is a work on which a great deal of deep thought has been -expended; and it is pronounced by such men as Wendell Phillips to be a -work without a rival in modern literature." - -"Makes anybody laugh when he zees it?" asked the tailor. - -"No, my friend: this is a deep, profound work, as I have already said. -It deals with such characters as Theocritus, Socrates, and Plato, and -Ralph Waldo Emerson. If you desire a work on which the most eminent -author of our day has spent years of study and research, you can find -nothing to compare with this." - -"Does it shpeak about how to glean cloze?" anxiously asked the man of -the goose. - -"My friend, this is no receipt-book, but an eminent work on philosophy, -as I have told you. Years were consumed in preparing this volume for -the press; and none but the clearest mind could have grasped the -subjects herein discussed. If you desire food for deep meditation, you -have it here." - -"Does dis pook say sumding about der Prussian war?" asked the tailor as -he threaded his needle. - -"My friend, this is not an every-day book, but a work on philosophy,--a -work which will soon be in the hands of every profound thinker in the -country. What is the art of philosophy? This book tells you. Who were, -and who are, our philosophers? Turn to these pages for a reply. As I -said before, I don't see how you can do without it." - -"And he don't haf any dings about some fun, eh?" inquired the tailor, -as the book was held to him. - -"My friend, must I again inform you that this is not an ephemeral -work, not a collection of nauseous trash, but a rare, deep work on -philosophy? Here, see the name of the author. That name alone should -be proof enough to your mind, that the work cannot be surpassed for -profundity of thought. Why, sir, Gerritt Smith testifies to the -greatness of this volume!" - -"I not knows Mr. Schmidt: I make no cloze mit him," returned the tailor -in a doubting voice. - -"Then you will let me leave your place without having secured your name -to this volume? I cannot believe it. Behold, what research! Turn these -leaves, and see these gems of richest thought! Ah! if we only had such -minds, and could wield such a pen! But we can read, and, in a measure, -we can be like him. Every family should have this noble work. Let me -put your name down: the book is only twelve dollars." - -"Zwelve dollars for der pook! Zwelve dollars, und he has noddings about -der war, und no fun in him, or say noddings how to get glean cloze! -What you take me for, mister? Go right away mit dat pook, or I call der -bolice, and haf you locked up pooty quick!" - - DETROIT FREE PRESS - - - - -THE MOTHER-IN-LAW. - - - Dhere vas many qveer dings in dis land of der free - I neffer could qvite understand; - Der beoples dhey all seem so deefrent to me - As dhose in mine own faderland. - Dhey gets blenty droubles, und indo mishaps - Mitout der least bit off a cause; - Und, vould you pelief it? dhose mean Yankee chaps, - Dhey fights mit dheir moder-in-laws! - - Shust dink off a vite man so vicked as dot! - Vhy not gife der oldt lady a show? - Who vas it gets oup, ven der night id vas hot, - Mit mine baby, I shust like to know? - Und den in der vinter vhen Katrine vas sick, - Und der mornings vas shnowy and raw, - Who made righdt avay oup dot fire so qvick? - Vhy, dot vas mine moder-in-law. - - Id vos von off dhose woman's righdts vellers I been, - Dhere vas noding dot's mean aboudt me; - Ven der oldt lady vishes to run dot masheen, - Vhy, I shust let her run id, you see. - Und vhen dot sly Yawcob vas cutting some dricks - (A block off der oldt chip he vas, yaw!), - Eef she goes for dot chap like some dousand of bricks, - Dot's all righdt! She's mine moder-in-law. - - Veek oudt und veek in, it vas alvays der same, - Dot voman vas boss off der house; - Budt, dhen, neffer mindt! I vos glad dot she came, - She vas kind to mine young Yawcob Strauss. - And vhen dhere vas vater to get vrom der spring, - Und firevood to shplit oup und saw, - She vas velcome to do it. Dhere's not anyding - Dot's too good for mine moder-in-law. - - _Charles Follen Adams._ - - - - -SCHNEIDER'S TOMATOES. - - -Schneider is very fond of tomatoes. Schneider has a friend in -the country who raises "garden sass, and sich." Schneider had an -invitation to visit this friend last week, and regale himself on his -favorite vegetable. His friend Pfeiffer being busy negotiating with -a city produce-dealer, on his arrival, Schneider thought he would -take a stroll in the garden, and see some of his favorites in their -pristine beauty. We will let him tell the rest of his story in his own -language,-- - -"Vell, I valks shust a liddle vhile roundt, vhen I sees some of dose -dermarters, vot vas so red und nice as I nefer dit see any more, und -I dinks I vill put mineself oudside about a gouple-a-tozen, shust to -geef me a liddle abbedite vor dinner. So I bulls off von ov der reddest -und pest lookin' ov dose dermarters, und dakes a pooty good pite out -ov dot, und vas chewing it oup pooty qvick, vhen--py shiminy!--I dort -I hat a peese of red-hot goals in mine mout, or vas chewing oup dwo or -dree bapers of needles; und I velt so pad, alreaty, dot mine eyes vas -vool of tears; und I mate vor an 'olt oken pucket,' vot I seen hangin' -in der vell, as I vas goomin' along. - -"Shust den mine vriend Pfeiffer game oup, und ask me vot mate me -veel so pad, und if any of mine vamily vas dead. I dold him dot I -vas der only von ov der vamily dot vas pooty sick; und den I ask him -vot kind of dermarters dose vas vot I hat shust peen bicking; und, -mine cracious! how dot landsman laughft, und said dot dose vas _red -beppers_, dot he vas raising vor bepper-sauce. You pet my life, I vas -mat. I radder you geef me feefty tollars as to eat some more ov dose -bepper-sauce dermarters." - - CHARLES F. ADAMS. - - - - -DUTCH HUMOR. - - -A German in a Western town, who has not paid much attention to learning -English, had a horse stolen from his barn the other night, whereupon he -advertised as follows:-- - -"Von nite, de oder day, ven I was bin awake in my shleep, I heare -sometings vat I tinks vas not yust right in my barn, an I out shumps to -bed, and runs mit the barn out; and ven I was dere coom, I seez dat my -pig gray-iron mare he vas bin tide loose, and run mit the staple off. -And who efer will him back pring, I yust so much pay him as vas bin -kushtomary." - - * * * * * - -An old Dutchman froze his nose. While thawing the frost out, he said: -"I haf carry dot nose fordy year, unt he nefer freeze hisself before. I -no understand dis ting." - - - - -SQUIRE HOUSTON'S MARRIAGE CEREMONY. - - - You bromish now, you goot man dare, - Vot sthands ubon de vloor, - To hab dish vooman for your vife, - Und lub her ebbermore; - To feed her vell mit sourkraut, - Peens, putthermilks und scheese, - Und in all dings to lend your aid, - Dat vill bromote her ease? - - "Yesh;" und you vooman sthandin dare, - Do bledge your vord dish tay, - Dat you vill took for your hoospand, - Dis man--und him obey; - Dat you vill ped und poard mit him, - Vosh, iron und mend his cloothes, - Laf ven he shmiles, veep ven he moorns, - Und chare his shoys und voes? - - Vell, den, I now, viddin dese valls, - Mit shoy, und not mit kreef, - Bronounch you bote to pe one mind, - Von name, von man, von beef; - I pooblish here dese holy pands, - Dese matthermoonial ties, - Pefore Got, mine frow, Hans und Poll, - Und all dese gazin eyes. - - Und, as de shacred Schripture says, - Vot God unites togedder - Let no man dare ashunder put, - Let no man dare dem sever. - Dare! britekroom, now schoost you sthop, - I'll hold tight fasht your collar, - Unteel you anshwer me dish ting, - Und dat's--_vare ish mine tollar_? - - - - -DOT DELEPHONE. - - -"I guess I haf to gif up my delephone already," said an old citizen -yesterday, as he entered the office of the company with a very long -face. - -"Why, what's the matter now?" - -"Oh, everyting! I got de delephone in mine house so as I could -shpeak mit der poys in der saloon down town, and mit my relations in -Springville; but I haf to give it up. I nefer haf so much droubles." - -"How?" - -"Vell, my poy Shon, in der saloon, he rings der pell, and calls opp, -und says an old frient of mine vants to see how she vorks. Dot ish all -right. I says, 'Hello!' und he say, 'Shtand back a leetle closer.' I -shtand back closer, und helloes again. Den he says, 'Shtand a leetle -off.' I shtand back a leetle off, und yells unce more; und he say, -'Shpeak louder!' I yells louder. It goes dat vhay ten minutes; und den -he says, 'Go to Texas, you old Dutchman!' You see?" - -"Yes." - -"And den mine brudder in Springville, he rings der pells und calls me -oop, und says how I vas dis efenings. I says I vhas feeling like some -colts; und he says, 'Who vants to puy some goats?' I says, 'Colts! -colts! colts!' Und he answers, 'Oh, coats! I thought you said goats.' -Ven I goes to ask him of he feels petter, I hears a voice crying oudt, -'Vot Dutchmans is dot on dis line, enyhow?' Den somepody answers, 'I -don't know, but I likes to punch his headt.' You see?" - -"Yes." - -"Vhell, somedimes my vife vhants to shpeak mit me ven I am down in der -saloon. She rings mine pell, und I says, 'Hello!' Nopody shpeaks to -me. She rings again, und I says, 'Hello!' like dunder. Den der central -office tells me to go aheads, und den tells me holdt on, und den tells -mine vife dot I am gone avay. I yells oudt, 'Dot is not so;' und -somepody says, 'How can I talk if dot old Dutchmans doan' keep shtill?' -You see?" - -"Yes." - -"Und ven I go in de bedt at night, somepody rings der pell like der -house vas on fire; und ven I shumps oudt, und says, 'Hello!' I hear -somepody saying, 'Kaiser, doan't you vhant to puy a dog?' I vants no -dog; und ven I tells 'em so, I hear some peoples laughing, 'Haw! haw! -haw!' You see?" - -"Yes." - -"Vell, you dake it oudt, dat ish all vhat it ish; und ven somepody -likes to shpeak mit me dey shall coom right avay by mine saloon. Oof -mine brudder ish sick, he shall got petter. Und oof somepody vhants to -puy a dog, apout two glock de morning, let him yust coom vere I can -tole him somedings, dat ish all." - - - - -THE UNITED ORDER OF HALF-SHELLS. - - -"My vhife all der time says to me, 'Carl Dunder, if you vhas to be kilt -by a butcher-cart or ice-wagon, or if some shteamboat plow you oop on -de river, I left mit no money. Vhy doan' you pe insured mit your life?' - -"Vhell, I tinks about dot a good deal. It vhas my duty dot my vhife und -Katie doan' go mit der poorhouse if I can help it, und I tink it vhas -pest to get some insurance. I shpeak to my frendt, Shon Plazes, vhas -about it, und Shon he says,-- - -"'Of course you vhant insurance. You come into my lodge of der United -Order of Half-shells. Dot vhas an order which only cost one dollar a -year, und if you die your family puts on shtyle mit der ten thousand -dollar in greenpacks. I calls a meeting right avhay mit your saloon, -und we put you through like some streaks of greased lightning.' - -"Vhell, I goes home and tells der old vhomans, und she says dot -vhas O. K. She doan's like to see me die; but if some shmall-pox or -yellow-fever comes to Detroit, und takes me avay, she likes to haf a -long funeral procession, und build me a grave-stone vhich reads dot -Carl Dunder vhas a goot husband, a kind fadder, und dot he vhas gone -to heaven only a leedle vhile before he vhas ready. I shpeak to my -daughter Katie, und she sheds some tears und dells me dot she looks as -cute as an angel in some mourning gloze for me. So it vhas all right, -und I sweep out my saloon, und about twenty men come in dot eafnings to -make me a Half-shell. - -"Oxcuse me if I vhas madt, und use some words like a pirate. My frendt, -Shon Plazes, vas dhere mit a red cap on his head, und a voice so solemn -dot I feels chills go up my pack. He calls de meeting to order, and -says I like to shoine and become a Half-shell. - -"'Does he like peer?' asks some mans in the gorner. - -"'He does,' said Shon Plazes. - -"'Und so do we!' yells all der meeting, and Shon says I was to come -down mit der peer. Dot was nineteen glasses. - -"Den Shon Plazes, he reads from a pook mit a plue cover dot man vhas -dying efery day so fast dot you can't count 'em, or somedins like dot, -und he calls oudt,-- - -"'Vhat shall safe dis man?' - -"Und eaferpody yells, 'Lager peer!' Dot means, I set him oop again, und -dot vhas nineteen glasses more. Den two men take me und vhalk me all -aroundt, und Shon Plazes he cries oudt,-- - -"'Ve vhas here to-day und gone to-morrow! In der midnight, when -eaferpody vhas ashleep, a tief comes und shteals our life away! Vhat -keeps dot tief afar off?' - -"Und eaferpody groans oudt like he vhas dying, 'Cool lager!' Dot means -I was to set 'em oop again, und dot vhas nineteen glasses more. Den -Shon Plazes he leads me twice around und says,-- - -"'Carl Dunder, you tinks you vhas made a Half-shell already, but you -vhas mistaken. Put out your left handt. Dot vhas goot. Now, my frendt, -vhat vas der foundation stone of liberty, equality, und brotection?' - -"Und eaferpody lifs oop his voice und groans out, 'All der lager a -man vhants!' Dot means, I vhas to tap a fresh keg; und I believe dot -growd drinks more as forty glasses. I doan' like it so previous like. -I didn't, but my frendt Shon Plazes tells me to lie down on der table -on my pack, und shut my eyes. Vhen I vhas in bosition he hit me three -dimes mit his fist in der stomach, und cries oudt,-- - -"'Vhen he vhas alife he vhas kind mit der boor; vhen he vhas death, we -forgot his faults. Brudders, vhat vhas der great brinciple dot leads to -charity und penevolence?' - -"Und eaferpody shumps to his feet und yells out, 'Some more lager and -cigars!' Vhell, I set 'em oop once more, und den I vhas so madt dot I -take my glub und clean dot crowd oudt mit der street. I belief he vas -a fraud on me. I belief Shon Plazes tells all der poys, und it vhas a -put-up shob. I lose my peer and cigars, und somebody carries off more -as ten bottles of vhiskey from my par, und I vhas no more a Half-shell -as yoo are. If dot vhas some vhey to insure me so dat my vhife und -Katie haf some mourning goods, und puy me a grave-stone mit a lamp on -top, I go out of pollytics right avay. Oxcuse me dot I shed some tears, -und kick oafer der shairs und tables, for I vhas madt like some cats on -a gloze-line." - - - - -WHY NO SCOTCHMEN GO TO HEAVEN. - - -Long years ago, in time so remote that history does not fix the epoch, -a dreadful war was waged by the king of Scotland. Scottish valor -prevailed; and the king of Scotland, elated by success, sent for his -prime minister. - -"Weel, Sandy," said he, "is there ne'er a king we canna conquer noo?" - -"An it please your majesty, I ken o' a king that your majesty canna -vanquish." - -"An' who is he, Sandy?" - -The prime minister, reverently looking up, said, "The King o' heaven." - -"The king of whaur, Sandy?" - -"The King o' heaven." - -The Scottish king did not understand, but was unwilling to exhibit any -ignorance. - -"Just gang your ways, Sandy, and tell King o' heaven to gi'e up his -dominions, or I'll come mysel' and ding him oot o' them; and mind you, -Sandy, you dinna come back to us until ye ha'e dune oor biddin'." - -The prime minister retired much perplexed, but met a priest, and, -re-assured, returned and presented himself. - -"Weel, Sandy," said the king, "ha'e ye seen the King o' heaven? and -what says he to our biddin'?" - -"An it please your majesty, I ha'e seen one o' his accredited -ministers." - -"Weel, and what says he?" - -"He says your majesty may e'en ha'e his kingdom for the axin' o' it." - -"Was he sae civil?" asked the king, warming to magnanimity. "Just -gang your ways back, Sandy, an' tell the King o' heaven that for his -civility the de'il a Scotchman shall set foot in his kingdom." - - - - -YAWCOB STRAUSS. - - - I haf von funny leedle poy, - Vot gomes schust to mine knee; - Der queerest schap, der createst rogue, - As efer you dit see. - He runs, und schumps, und schmashes dings - In all barts off der house; - But vot off dot? he was mine son, - Mine leedle Yawcob Strauss. - - He get der measles und der mumbs, - Und eferyding dot's oudt; - He sbills mine glass of lager bier, - Poots schnuff indo mine kraut. - He fills mine pipe mit limburg cheese: - Dot vas der roughest chouse; - I'd dake dot vrom no oder poy - But leedle Yawcob Strauss. - - He dakes der milk-ban for a dhrum, - Und cuts mine cane in dwo; - To make der schtiks to beat it mit,-- - Mine cracious, dot vas drue! - I dinks mine hed vas schplit abart, - He kicks oup sooch a touse: - But nefer mind; der poys vas few - Like dot young Yawcob Strauss. - - He asks me questions sooch as dese: - Who baints mine nose so red? - Who vas it cuts dot schmoodth blace oudt - Vrom der hair ubon mine hed? - Und vhere der plaze goes vrom der lamp - Vene'er der glim I douse. - How gan I all dose dings eggsblain - To dot schmall Yawcob Strauss? - - I somedimes dink I schall go vild - Mit sooch a grazy poy, - Und vish vonce more I gould haf rest, - Und beaceful dimes enshoy; - But ven he vas ashleep in ped, - So guiet as a mouse, - I prays der Lord, "dake anyding, - But leaf dot Yawcob Strauss." - - C. F. ADAMS. - - - - -LEEDLE YAWCOB STRAUSS--WHAT HE SAYS. - - - Maype somedimes you don't half szeen - Mine fahder told vhen he vas peen - Szo vild almost as never vas - Mit me; hees Leedle Yawcob Strauss, - Und all apout thdose tings because - Vit me he wasn't haf szome ease, - Nor schmoke hees bipe, nor schleep in peese - Nor eats szome schmall limburger scheese; - Nor dakes hees peer nor saurkraout, - Yen Leedle Yawcob was apout. - - Vell now! I shbiel hees lager peer? - Mine gootness! dot ish very queer; - Don't I haf seen him mit his handt, - Tdake vup some glass of lager, andt - Schoost ash he schmell him mit hees eye, - Shbiel him all in hees schtoomach? vy, - He shbiel more lager peer don I, - Andt thden he laff, und dance, und szing, - More like some poys don anythding. - - I took der meezles; vell I shbose - Dot thdere vas blenty left of thdose; - I poots der schnuff inder hees kraout, - So it make him don't scheeze so loudt, - I haf der mumps; vot if I is? - Mine vace don't got szer far abart - Nor pe szo pig nor redt as his. - - Und thden apout those limburg scheese; - Vell thdere I dhink dot I agrees - Mit him, dot it vos szomevat rouff, - But thden he szay vonce, dat enough - Vas schoost so petter nor a veest, - Und szo I think he kouldn't got - Enough, so scheap und quivck ash vot - He haf mit hees bipe full off dot. - - Thdose milk-ban dot I learn to blay, - I get dot drouble in thdis way: - Poot pottom up across my knee, - Schoost ash I szeen him do to me, - I tumps upon him mit ter stdick, - Und make der music pooty qvick; - Vy ish it dot hees hed't vas shblit - Vith sooch a leedle noise, ven it - Don't preak oup mit der noise dot he - Make, ven he tump dot stdick on me? - - Put ven I ask apout szome thdings, - Vot make hees nose szo redt, and prings - Der schoomth shbot oudt mitin his hedt; - I shbose dot I shall know apout - All of thdose thdings--ven I findt out, - Und szo I vait avhile, and szee - Vot der next drouble ish to pe, - Und if der meeschiefs thdake this blace, - I brays like vot dot fahder says - Tdake everyding dots in thdis house, - Put leave thdis leedle Yawcob Strauss. - - ARTHUR DAKIN. - - - - -ISAAC ROSENTHAL ON THE CHINESE QUESTION. - - -Mr. Rosenthal, who was proprietor of a clothing store in Avenue A, had -been mentioned to me as an unusually intelligent German Hebrew, and I -met him at the door of his store looking out for customers. As I paused -for a moment, he addressed me thus:-- - -"Gome righd in, mein liebe Herr! Don'd mind dot leedle tog. He vill -not pide you. I geeb him to trive avay de bad leedle poy in de -sthreed. You like to puy zome very coot glothing? I can zell you dot -goat--for--Nein! _Teufel!_ Id is not dot? So! And you vand to speak to -me aboud de Shinamen? Vell, I dell you dot you gome yust to de righd -blace. You bedder don'd go no furder. You yust gome in de back shtore. -You take ein glas bier? you smoke ein gut zigar?--no, not dot--I call -him real Havana, bud I make him up-shtairs. I gif you a bedder one as -dot. So! I lighd him for you. Now I shpeag mit you aboud dem Shinamen, -und you put vat I say in de baber, pecause de bublic ought to know -vat bad beoples dey ish. I keeb last year ein kleine shop mit mein -bruder--hish name is Zolomon--and ve haf yust as coot glothes as dem -dot you zee dere; and von day dere gome in ein, zwei, drei Shinamen, -and zay to me, 'How do, John?' and I dell him dot my name ish not John; -but he only laugh. Den he zay, 'You got some coot glothes, John? S'pose -hab got, mi likee see.' I haf such vay of shpeaking nefer heard, but I -can a leedle undershtand, and I t'ink dot he vill not know a coot goad -ven he zee id, and I show him some dot ish not of the brime qualidy, -and vill not last so long as dot kind as I show you, and I sharge him a -coot brice; and he look at him, and dry him on, and I dell him dot id -vill him very vell fit. Und den dish great rasgal he say to me dot he -has not much money got, but some leedle box of very coot tea, und he -make a pargain and shwop mit me. Und I t'ink dot I make mit him a coot -drade, und I give him de goat, and dake de dea; and he say, 'Chin chin, -John,' and go out, and I don'd never see him no more. Und vat you tink? -ven I open dot dea, I find him one inch coot, and below dot, noding but -yust rubbish, and some schmall bieces of iron to make him heavy. Und -so, mein liebe Herr, you can de reason undershtand dot I like not to -have dot Shinese beobles gome to New York." - - SCRIBNER'S MONTHLY. - - - - -"DER DOG UND DER LOBSTER." - - -(_From the New York Clipper._) - - Dot dog he vos dot kind of dog - Vot ketch dot ret so sly, - Und squeeze him mit his leetle teeth, - Und den dot ret vos die. - - Dot dog he vas onquisitive - Vareffer he vas go, - Und, like dot vooman, all der time - Someding he vants to know. - - Vone day, all by dot market-stand - Vare fish und clams dey sell, - Dot dog vas poke his nose aboud - Und find out vat he smell. - - Dot lobster he vas took dot snooze - Mit von eye open vide, - Und ven dot dog vas come along - Dot lobster he vas spied. - - Dot dog he smell him mit his nose, - Und scratch him mit his paws, - Und push dot lobster all aboud, - Und vonder vot he vas. - - Und den dot lobster he voke up, - Und crawl yoost like dot snail, - Und make vide open ov his claws, - Und grab dot doggie's tail. - - Und den so quick as never vas - Dot cry vent to der sky, - Und, like dem swallows vot dey sing, - Dot dog vas homeward fly. - - Yoost like dot dunderbolt he vent-- - Der sight vas awful grand. - Und every street dot dog vas turn, - Down vent dot apple-stand. - - Der shildren cry, der vimmin scream, - Der mens fall on der ground; - Und dot boliceman mit his club - Vas novare to pe found. - - I make dot run und call dot dog, - Und vistle awful kind; - Dot makes no difference vot I say, - Dot dog don't look pehind. - - Und pooty soon dot race vas end, - Dot dog vas lost his tail-- - Dot lobster I vas took him home, - Und cook him in dot pail. - - Dot moral vas, I tole you 'boud, - Pefore vas neffer known-- - Don't vant to find out too much dings - Dot vasn't ov your own! - - SAUL SERTREW. - - - - -"DER WRECK OF DER HEZBERUS." - - - (_Before Longfellow._) - - It vas der goot shkiff Hezberus, - Dot paddled cross der pond; - Und dare vas dare der skibber's gal, - Of whom he vas so fond. - - Green vos her eyes as summer peas, - Her cheeks I can't define, - Her boozum brown like pretzel cakes, - Her voice a vereful whine. - - Mit pibe in mouth der skibber sat, - Wrabbed in an old pea koad, - Und vatched his daughter koff and shneeze - Ven schmoke got down hur throad. - - Den up und spoke der paddle man, - "Look 'ere, let's turn ride back, - A schwan lives 'ere, der peebles say, - Vat likes to peck und hack. - - So let's turn back, mein master dear, - Und from this voyage refrain," - Der skibber blew schmoke oud his pibe, - Und schmiled mit grim dishdain. - - Den near und near der shkiff did got - To vare dot schwan hung out; - Until at last, mit telesgope, - Dey shpied his head und snowt. - - Vel, down it schwam und schmote der shkiff - Mit all its might und main, - Und made it shump dree times its length, - Und den shump back again. - - "Come 'ere, come 'ere! mein leedle gal, - Und do not dremble so, - For I can lick der biggest schwan - Dot you to me can show." - - He wrabbed her in his old pea koad,-- - His joy, his life, his soul; - Und mit a piece of paper twine - He lashed her to a pole. - - "Oh, dad, I hear der dinner bell! - I feel shust like grub-struck." - "Vel, hold yer tongue now, Mary Ann, - Und dry to bear your luck." - - "Oh, dad, I see dot schwan again! - He'll eat both you und me;" - But dad he answered not a vord, - For stiff und frized vas he. - - Den der goot girl she glasped her hands, - Und through her frost-bit nose - She said, "Now I avake to sleep," - Dot she might not be froze. - - Und dare, through rain and hurrycane, - Und through der schleet und schnow, - Der maiden prayed und begged der schwan - To pick up stakes und go. - - But no; he schwam up to der wreck, - Und den der fun began; - He knocked der fellers off der deck, - But left shweed Mary Ann. - - He picked und pecked der Hezberus, - Und lashed de pond to foam, - Und made de poor, wee, leedle shkiff - Look shust like honeycomb. - - Den by der board der long bean-pole - Und Mary Ann did go; - Und shust like lead der shkiff went down. - Der schwan he roared, Ho! ho! - - * * * * * - - At break of day, beside der pond, - Poor Mary Ann vas found; - Her form vas cold un frozen stiff, - Und to a bean-pole bound. - - - - -SIGNS AND OMENS. - - -"Hans, what do you think of signs and omens?" - -"Vell, I don't dinks mooch of dem dings, und I don't pelieve -averydings; but I dells you somedimes dere is someding in sooch dings -ash dose dings. Now, de oder night I sits und reads mine newspaper, und -mine frau she shpeak und say,-- - -"'Fritz, de dog ish howlin'.' - -"Vell, I don't dinks mooch of dem dings, und I goes on und reads mine -paper, und mine frau she say,-- - -"'Fritz, dere is somedings pad is happen--de dog ish howlin'.' - -"And den I gets oop mit mineself, and looks out troo de vines on de -porch; und de moon vas shinin', und mine leedle dog he shoomp right -up und down like averydings, and he park at the moon dat was shine so -prite ash never vas. Und as I hauled mine het in de winter de old voman -she say,-- - -"'Mind, Fritz, I dells you dere ish somedings pad ish happen. _De dog -ish howlin._' - -"Vell, I goes to pet, und I shleeps: und all night long, ven I vakes -up, dere vas dat dog howl outside; und ven I dream, I hear dat -howlin' vorser ash nefer. Und in de mornin' I kits oop und kits mine -_freestick_ (breakfast),--und mine frau she look at me, und say fery -solemn; - -"'Fritz, dere ish somedings ish happen. De dog vas howl all night.' - -"Und shoost den de newspaper comes in, and I opens him; und, by shings! -vot you dinks? _Dere vas a man died in Philadelphia!_" - - - - -A DUTCHMAN'S ANSWER. - - -Bill Jones was going to get married a day or two ago, and he forgot -whar de minister libed; so he started to find him out, so as to hab him -come to de house an' perform de marriage ceremony. So, arter getting -along down de road for two or free miles, he became fearful ob gettin' -on de wrong track. So he says to a big Dutchman "I say, can you tell -me where Mr. Swackelhammer, de preacher, lives?" and de Dutchman said, -"Yaw. You just valk de road up to de creek, an' down de pritch over up -shtreme, den you just go on till you cum to a road what vinds de woots -around a schoolhouse; but you don't take dat road. Vell, den you go -on till you meet a pig-pen shingled mit straw, den you durn de road -round de field, and go on till you come to pig red house. Den you turn -dat house around de barn, and see a road dat goes up in de woots. Den -you don't take dat road too. Den you go straight on, and de fust house -you meet is a hay-stack, and de next is a barrack. Vell, he don't live -dere. Den you will get a little furder, and you see a house on top de -hill, about a mile; and you go in dere an' ax de old voman, an' she -will tell you bedder as I can." - - - - -THE VAY RUBE HOFFENSTEIN SELLS. - - -"Herman," said a Poydras street merchant clothier, addressing his -clerk, "haf ye sold all of dose overgoats vat vas left over from last -vinter?" - -"No, sir; dere vas dree of dem left yet." - -"Vell, ye must sell 'em right avay, as de vinter vill not last, you -know, Herman. Pring me one uf de goats and I vill show you somedings -about de pisness. I vill dell you how ve vill sell dem out, und you -must learn de pisness, Herman; de vinter vas gone, you know, und ve hav -had dose goats in de store more as seex years." - -An eight-dollar overcoat was handed him by his clerk, and smoothing it -out, he took a buckskin money purse from the showcase, and, stuffing it -full of paper, dropped it into one of the pockets. - -"How, Herman, my poy," he continued," vatch me sell dat coat. I haf -sold over dirty-fife uf dem shust de same vay, und I vant to deech you -de pisness. Ven de next gustomer comes in de shop I vill show de vay -Rube Hoffenstein, my broder in Detroit, sells his cloding and udder -dings." - -A few minutes later a negro, in quest of a pair of suitable cheap -shoes, entered the store. The proprietor advanced smiling, and inquired: - -"Vat is it you vish?" - -"Yer got any cheap shoes hyar?" asked the negro. - -"Blenty of dem, my frent, blenty; at any price you vant." - -The negro stated that he wanted a pair of brogans, and soon his pedal -extremities were encased in them, and a bargain struck. As he was about -to leave, the proprietor called him back. - -"I ain't gwine ter buy nuffin else. I'se got all I want," said the -negro, sullenly. - -"Dot may be so, my dear sir," replied the proprietor, "but I shust -vants you to look at dis goat. It vas de pure Russian vool, und dis -dime last year you doan got dot same goat for dwenty-five dollars. -Mine gracious, clothing vos gone down to noding, and dere vas no money -in de pisness any longer. You vant someding dot vill keep you from de -vedder, und make you feel varm as summer dime. De gonsumption vas goin -round, und de doctors dell me it vas the vedder. More dan nine beoples -died roun vere I lif last veek. Dink of dot. Mine frent, dot goat vas -Russian vool, dick and hevy. Vy, Misder Jones, who owns de pank on -Canal streed, took that goat home mit him yesterday, and vore it all -day, but it vas a leetle dight agross de shoulders, und he brought it -pack shust a vile ago. Dry it on, my dear sir. Ah! dot vas all right. -Mister Jones vas a rich man, and he liked dot goat. How deep de pockets -vas, but it vas a leetle dight agross de shoulders." - -The negro buttoned up the coat, thrust his hands in the pockets, and -felt the purse. A peaceful smile played over his face when his touch -disclosed to his mind the contents of the pockets, but he choked down -his joy and inquired: - -"Who did you say wore this hyar coat?" - -"Vy, Mister Jones vot owns de bank on Canal streed." - -"What yer gwine to ax fur it?" - -"Dwenty dollars." - -"Dat's powerful high price fur dis coat, but I'll take it." - -"Herman, here, wrap up dis goat fur the schentleman, and throw in a -cravat; it will make him look nice mit de ladies." - -"Nebber mind, I'll keep the coat on," replied the negro, and pulling -out a roll of money, he paid for it and left the store. - -While he was around the next corner moaning over the stuffed purse, -Hoffenstein said to his clerk: - -"Herman, fix up anudder von of dose goats de same vay, and doan forget -to dell dem dot Mister Jones vot runs de pank on Canal streed vore it -yesterday." - - - - -A DUTCH RECRUITING OFFICER. - - -The reader must picture a stout, big-bellied, short-haired -recruiting-officer, with a blue cap, broad, stiff frontispiece, a -short sword, blue uniform a size too small, and a raw customer from -"Faderland," with wooden shoes and a long-tailed gray coat. The officer -was after recruits for a German regiment, and thus went for his -susceptible countryman:-- - -"Lo, dere, Hans! Be dat you?" - -"Yaw." - -"Come me to be a sojer man." - -"Nein!" - -"Yaw, come. It be so nice!" - -"Nein! I gets shoots." - -"Nix. Py tam! it is better as good. It been foon all de vile. You -enlists mit me, you gets nine hundred dollars bountish." - -"So?" - -"Yaw. And you gets such nice clothes as never vas. Shust look at me." - -"So?" - -"Yaw. And in the morning, ven de trum peets, dat ish de gurnel's -gompliments to come an' git your schnapps mit him." - -"So?" - -"Yaw. And purty soon, bime by, de trum peets again, and dat ish de -gurnel's gompliments to come eat some sourkrout un sausage mit him, py -dam!" - -"So, mynheer?" - -"Yaw, it ish so. Den purty soon, bime by, de trum peets, an' dat ish -de gurnel's gompliments to ride mit him in der carriage to see your -vrou or your Katrina. And den you rides mit him all over de city mit -him, and no costs you one tam cent. And bime by de trum peets, and dat -ish de gurnel's gompliments to come and schmoke a bipe mit him! And -den bime by, purty soon, right away, de trum peets de tuyful, and dat -ish de gurnel's gompliments to come and get you nine hundred tollars -bountish, I tinks, but guess not, py tam!" - -"Yaw! So goot?" - -"Yaw! And den de General and Bresident shake hands mit you, and you -eat krout mit de Bresident's vrou, and shust live like one fighting -rooster, by tam! And den in a little wile you say der Bresident be -one nice man, and you gets another hundred tollars bountish; and de -Bresident makes one grand general mit you, purty soon I guess, but I -tink not. You go mit me?" - -"Yaw!" - - - - -DOT BABY OFF MINE. - - - Mine cracious! mine cracious! shust look here und see - A Deutscher so habby as habby can pe! - Der beoples all dink dot no prains I haf got; - Vas grazy mit trinking, or someding like dot: - Id vasn't pecause I trinks lager und vine; - Id vas all on aggount off dot baby off mine. - - Dot schmall leedle vellow I dells you vas qveer; - Not mooch pigger roundt as a goot glass of peer; - Mit a bare-footed hed, und nose but a schpeck; - A mout dot goes most to der pack off his neck; - Und his leedle pink toes mit der rest all combine - To gif sooch a charm to dot baby off mine. - - I dells you dot baby vas von off der poys, - Und beats leedle Yawcob for making a noise. - He shust has pecun to shbeak goot English too; - Says "Mamma" und "Papa," und somedimes "Ah, goo!" - You don'd find a baby den dimes oudt off nine - Dot vas qvite so schmart as dot baby off mine. - - He grawls der vloor ofer, und drows dings aboudt, - Und poots eferyding he can find in his mout; - He dumbles der shtairs down, und falls vrom his chair, - Und gifes mine Katrina von derrible sckare. - Mine hair shtands like shquills on a mat borcubine - Ven I dinks off dose pranks off dot baby off mine. - - Dere vas someding, you pet, I don'd likes pooty vell,-- - To hear in der nighdt dimes dot young Deutscher yell, - Und dravel der ped-room midout many clo'es, - Vhile der chills down der shpine off mine pack quickly goes: - Dose leedle shimnasdic dricks vasn't so fine - Dot I cuts oup at nighdt mit dot baby off mine. - - Vell, dese leedle schafers vas going to pe men, - Und all of dese droubles vill peen ofer den: - Dey vill vear a vhite shirt-vront inshtead off a bib, - Und vouldn't got tucked oup at nighdt in deir crib. - Vell, vell, ven I'm feeble, und in life's decline, - May mine oldt age pe cheered py dot baby off mine! - - - - -DOT LEETLE TOG UNDER DER VAGON. - - - "Coom, vife," says goot oldt farmer Gray, - "Git on your tings: dot's markets-tay. - Ve'll go so quick vot ve can to town, - Und pack again 'fore dot sun coomes down. - _Shpot!_ No: ve'll leave oldt Shpot behint." - But Shpot he parked, und Shpot he vhined, - Und soon made out his toggish mind - To shteal avay under dot vagon. - - Avay dey vent at a merry pace; - But some sad coomes into dot farmer's face; - Und he said, "Poor Shpot! he did vant to come, - But maype dot's petter he's leaved at home. - He'll vatch de parn, und he'll vatch de cot, - Und keep dose cattles out of de lot." - "I'm not so sure of dot," growled Shpot, - On a dog-trot under dot vagon. - - So soon as all dose tings vas sold, - Und he gits his pay in silber und gold, - He shtarted home, a quarter past dark, - Across a lonesomely forest. _Hark!_ - A robber shumps from pehind a tree: - "Your money or your life!" says he. - It's a cross-eyed moon, so he don't can see - Dot leetle tog under de vagon. - - Den Shpot parked vonce, und vonce he vhined, - Und he grapped dot tief py de pants pehind; - He dragged him down in de mud und dirt; - He teared his coat, likevise his shirt; - Und dot tief in de mud got nearly drowned, - Und he don't could rise pooty kvick off de ground; - So his lecks und arms de farmer bound, - Und histed him into dot vagon. - - So Shpot he safed de farmer's life, - Also his money, likevise his vife; - Und now a hero grand und gay, - A silber necktie he vears to-day. - He goes verefer his master goes; - Und you bet he holds pooty high his nose, - Mit lots of frients, und not any foes,-- - Dot leetle tog under de vagon. - - - - -SCHNITZERL'S VELOCIPEDE. - - - Hans Schnitzerl made a velocipede, - Vone of dot newest kind; - It didn't hafe no vheel before, - Und der vasn't none pehind. - - Aber dere vas vone in de middle, dhough, - Dat's shust as sure as eggs; - Und he shtraddled across dot axle, - Mit de vheel between his legs. - - Und vhen he vants to shtart it off, - He paddled mit his feet, - Und soon he made it gone so fast - Dat eferytings he beat. - - He took it out on Broadway vonce, - Und shkeeted like de vind. - Phew! how he passed dot fancy schaps! - He leafed dem all pehind. - - Dem fellers on dose shtylish nags - Pulled up to see him pass; - Und der Deutschers, all ockstonished, cried, - "Potz tauzand! Vas ist das?" - - But faster shtill Herr Schnitzerl flew,-- - On, mit a ghastly schmile: - He didn't touch de ground, py Jinks, - Not vonce in half a mile. - - So vas it mit Herr Schnitzerl - Und his velocipede: - His feet both shlipped right inside out - Vhen at its extra shpeed. - - He falled upon dot vheel, of course: - Dot vheel like blitzen flew; - Und Schnitzerl, he vas schnicht in vacht, - Dot schliced him grode in two. - - _Hans Breitmann._ - - - - -THE LATEST BARBARIE FRIETCHIE. - - - Id was droo der sdreeds of Fredericksdown; - Der red-hot zun he vas shine him down. - - Bast der zaloons all filt mit bier, - Der rebel vellers valked on deir ear. - - All day droo Fredericksdown so fast, - Horses, und guns, und sozers bast. - - Der rebel flags he shone him out so bridt, - As if, by Jinks! he got some ridt. - - Vere vas der Onion flag? Der zun - He look him down not on a vun. - - Up jumped dot olt Miss Frietchie den, - Zo oldt by ninescore years and ten. - - She grabbed up der old flag der men haul down, - And fasen'd id quick by her nidtgown. - - Den she sot by der vindow ver all could see, - Dere vas none vot lofe dot flag so free. - - Purty soon come ridin' up Stonewall Jack, - Sittin' from der mittle of his horse's back. - - Under him brow he squint him's eyes. - Dot flag! Dot make him great surprise. - - Halt! each feller, make him sdill! - Fire! vas echoed from hill do hill. - - Id busted der sdrings from dot nidtgown, - But Barbarie Frietchie, she vas around. - - She grabbed the flag again so guick, - Und oud of the vindow her arms did sdick. - - "Obuse if you would dis olt bald head, - But leave alone dot flag!" she said. - - Zo soon, so guick as Jack could do, - He holler him oud mit a face so blue: - - "Who bulls a hair oud of dat bald head - Dies awful guick. Go aheat!" he said. - - Und all dot day, und all dot nite, - Till efery rebel vas oud of site, - - Und leave behind him dot Fredericksdown, - Dot flag he vas sthicken by dot nidtgown. - - Dame Barbarie Frietchie's vork is done, - She don't forever get some fun. - - Bully for her! und drop a tear - For dot old vomans midout some fear. - - - - -MR. HOFFENSTEIN'S BUGLE. - - -"Mr. Hoffenstein," said Herman, as he folded up a pair of pants, and -placed them on a pile, "if you don't haf any objections, I vould like -to get from de store avay von efening, und go mit de soldiers to de -Spanish Fort." - -"Vell, Herman, I dinks you had better keep avay from de soldiers," -replied Hoffenstein, "und stay mit de store, because, you know, you -don't can put any confidence mit de soldiers--I vill tell you vhy. Von -day, vile I vas in Vicksburg during de var, a cock-eyed soldier came -in my store mit an old bugle in his hand, und he looks around. I asks -him vat he vants, und he buys a couple of undershirts; den he tells -me to keep his bundle and his bugle behind de counter until he comes -back. After de cock-eyed soldier vent de store out, some more soldiers -come in und valk all around, vile dey look at de goods. 'Shentlemens,' -I says, 'do you vant anydings?'--'Ve are shust looking to see vat you -haf,' said one of dem; und after avile anodder says, 'Bill, shust look -dere at de bugle! de very ding de captain told us to get. You know ve -don't haf any bugle in de company for dree months.--How much you ask -for dot bugle?' I dells dem dot I don't can sell de bugle, because it -belongs to a man vat shust vent oud. 'I vill gif you fifty dollars for -it,' says de soldier, pulling his money oud. I dells him I don't can -sell it, because it vasn't mine. 'I vill gif you one hundred dollars,' -he said. Mine gr-r-acious! Herman, I vants to sell de bugle so bad dot -I vistles. De soldiers dells me, vile dey vas leaving de store, dot if -I buy de bugle from de man vot owns it, dey vill gif me one hundred und -dwendy-five dollars for it. I dells dem I vill do it. I sees a chance, -you know, Herman, to make some money py the oberation. Ven de cock-eyed -soldier comes back he says, 'Gif me my bundle und bugle; I got to go -to de camp.' I says, 'Mine frent, don't you vant to sell your bugle?' -He dells me no, und I says, 'My little boy, Leopold, vot plays in de -store, sees de bugle, und he goes all around crying shust so loud as -he can, because he don't get it. Six times I takes him in de yard und -vips him, und he comes right back und cries for de bugle. It shows, you -know, how much drouble a man vill haf mit a family. I vill gif you den -dollars for it, shust to please little Leopold.' De soldier von't dake -it; und at last I offer him fifty dollars, und he says, 'Vell, I vill -dake fifty dollars, because I can't vaste any more time: I haf to go -to de camp.' Afder he goes avay, I goes to de door, und vatches for de -soldiers vat vanted de bugle. I sees dem passing along de street, und -I says, 'My frents, I haf got de bugle;' und dey say, 'Vell, hang it! -vy don't you blow it?' Mine gr-r-acious! Herman, vat you dink? All dem -soldiers belong to de same crowd, und dey make de trick to swindle me. -Levi Cohen, across de street, he finds it out, und efery day he gets -boys to blow horns in front of mine store, so as to make me dink how I -vas swindled. Herman, I dink you had better stay mit de store." - - - - -FRITZ AND HIS BETSY FALL OUT. - - - Draw oop dem bapers, lawyer, und make 'em shtrong and lawful. - My house vas getting oopside oudt, und Baitsy she vas awful. - Dere's no use talkin', ve can't agree. Sooch aickshuns I naifer saw; - To tell you der troot, between you und me, she vas vorse as a - mudder-in-law. - Ven I virst got married mit Baitsy, I liked her pooty vell, - But now she vas got more stubborn vot nopody can dell; - I've talked mit her togedder, vor two veeks aifery tay, - Und der furder we vas togedder, der nearer ve vas avay. - - Dot all gommenced aboudt der Pible: I youst took it down vrom der - shelf,-- - Dot's a ding I naifer look into mooch: you know how dot vas, - yourself,-- - Und I vas a-reading 'boudt Daniel, how he shoomped in der lion's den, - Und youst a leedle farder along, I vas reading dem lines den - Vere it says, "Und Daniel got hees back oop--righdt oop against der - vall; - Bud der lions don'd vas shkared--dey didn't do none notting at all." - Und ven I read dot shapter dru, ve both vas a goot deal puzzled; - Und I says, "Baitsy, now I see how t'vas, dem lions must bin muzzled." - - She told me I vas lyin'; dot vas not vot it meant. - I said she vas anudder, und dot's youst der vay it vent; - Und den she vas got awful mad, und dold me to my vace, - "I vish, py shinks! dot Dan vas oudt, und you vas een hees blace." - "Vell," I says, "I'm villings to shange mit Daniel; let heem comb und - lif mit you, - Und I'll go and shoomp een der lion's den, und enshoy myself better'n - I do!" - - Bud vot een der dooce vould Daniel dink ov I ashk heem to shange mit - me? - He vould say, 'Oh, no! I know Baitsy too vell. I vould rather shtay - vere I be.' - She shoomped righdt gwick vor der broomshtick, und vas goin' to gife - me a douse; - Bud ven she turned roundt to shtruck me, she vas all alonein der house; - Dot's der reason I comb to talk to you aboudt der varm und homeshtead. - Dere moosht no vone trust Baitsy on my aggount: she left my board und - bedshtead. - - Vone day she vanted soam vater, und dold me to go oud und pump it. - I dold her I vouldn't do it, und ov she didn't like she could lump it. - She shoked me oop against der vall, und shut my vindpipe off; - I tell you I seen shtars dot time, und I dought my head vas off. - Py krashus! She's liable to kill me mit vatefer she gets her hands on, - Und I get mixed oop so, I can't tell vich endt my head shtands on. - She shtruck me vonce mit a cord-wood shtick, righdt on der shpine ov - my back. - - I lefd her home, und vrom dot day till dees--vor dree veeks--I didn't - comb back. - I dell you, Meesder Lawyer, it beats all vot I've endoored, - Besides der money I've baid oudt to keeb my life enshoored. - Der more I dink ov dese dings, der less I vant to, sir, - Und der more I dink ov Baitsy, der less I dink ov her. - - Der virst time I aifer met her, I vas shtruck mit her vinning vay; - Bud now a shange vas tooken blace--I get shtruck in a deafferent vay. - Dot time veil ve got married, she vas a lass een shkool, - Und I vas youst aboudt the same--alas! I vas a vool. - - She alvays used to shmile so nice venefer I shanced to meet her, - I didn't dought she vould become sooch an orvul oogly creetur; - Bud shoore I vas meesdaken, und I got beat like der dooce; - Ov you could only hear her, you'd dink her jaw vas loose. - - Vone day she says, "Shut oop your moudt! your blabbin' all der time!" - I says "I vouldn't do it"--dot's der kind ov a Dootchman I am. - Und den, bevore I knew it, she took me by soorbrise, - Und keeked me oudt der house, sir--righdt bevore my vace und eyes! - I tell you vat it vas, sir, I velt a goot deal put oudt, - To hafe my own belofed vife tell me to shut my moudt, - Und, because I dought I vouldn't, to keek me oudt der door. - Youst on aggount sooch aickshuns, dot's vy I veel so sore. - - I've yelled und shkolded at her until my droat vas hoarse; - Bud dot naifer didn't do no goot--she's gettin' vorse und vorse; - Und I've made oop my mind oudt, dot vas my only course - To comb here und get your adwice--und also a diworce. - - * * * * * - - You talk 'boudt bein' henpecked, und ruled by voman's tongue, - I tell you vat it is, sir, I'm vorse off den Prigham Young. - So wrode oop dot baper, lawyer, und draw it righdt avay, - Und I'll take it home to Baitsy, und see vot she vill say. - - Und den to-morrow morning I vill sell aiferyding I own, - Und bid Baitsy und our shild goot-by, und go oudt een der vorld alone. - Und ven I dink ov Baitsy a dousand milse avay, - I'll baed she'll vant to hafe me comb righdt back home und shtay. - Bud I naifer vill comb back again, unless she's tooken sick, - Ov she is, you tailegraf me to comb back pooty gwick. - Remaimber vot I tell you, und don'd keeb me in soosbense; - Youst bay the tailegrafer, und sharge to my oxbense. - - Dot puts me een mind ov someding dot I can't dink ov now; - I can't remaimber vot I vorget--dot beats all, ainyhow! - Oh! now I've got it--wrode it down, dot ven I'm dead und gone, - Baitsy'll bring back me to her, und bury me een der lawn. - Und on my tombstone let it read, in ledders large und blain, - "Here lies Shon Shtuffenheimer, and hees vife she is to blame." - Und I hope dot in a veek or two, righdt after I hafe died, - Baitsy und I vill both ov us be laying side by side. - - Und ven Gabreel blows hees drumpet oop, und all der dead shall rise, - Baitsy und I vill both shoomp oop, and vipe our veeping eyes; - Und den, if it looks doubtful, ve'll shtand righdt dere und vait, - Und ven no vone vas lookin', ve'll shkweeze dru der Golden Gate. - - GEORGE M. WARREN. - - - - -CUT, CUT BEHIND. - - - Vhen shnow und ice vas on der ground, - Und merry shleigh-bells shingle; - Vhen Shack Frost he vas peen around, - Und make mine oldt ears tingle-- - I hear dhose roguish gamins say, - "Let shoy pe unconfined!" - Und dhen dhey go for efry shleigh, - Und yell, "Cut, cut pehind!" - - It makes me shust feel young some more, - To hear dhose youngsters yell, - Und eef I don'd vas shtiff und sore, - Py shings! I shust vould--Vell, - Vhen some oldt pung was coomin' py, - I dink I'd feel inclined - To shump right in upon der shly, - Und shout, "Cut, cut pehind!" - - I mind me vot mine fader said - Vonce vhen I vas a poy, - Mit meeschief alvays in mine head, - Und fool of life und shoy. - "Now, Hans, keep off der shleighs," says he, - "Or else shust bear in mind, - I dake you righdt across my knee, - Und cut, cut, cut pehind!" - - Vell, dot vas years und years ago, - Und mine young Yawcob too, - Vas now shkydoodling droo der shnow, - Shust like I used to do; - Und ven der pungs coom py mine house, - I shust peeks droo der plind, - Und sings oudt, "Go id, Yawcob Strauss, - Cut, cut, cut, cut, pehind!" - - _Charles Follen Adams, in Harper's._ - - - - -TICKLED ALL OAFER. - - -The Chief of Police yesterday had a visit from an old farmer living out -on the Center Line road, who had a story to tell. After two or three -efforts, he began:-- - -"I vhas goin home, last night, ven I overtakes two men on der roadt. -Dose fellers dey laft, und saidt would I gif 'em a ride? I laft, too, -und say, 'shump in.'" - -"Yes, I understand." - -"Pooty queek one feller laft, und saidt he likes Dutchmens, 'cause his -uncle vas a Dutchmans. Dot vhas all right, und so I laft, too. I vhas -real tickled, und I shakes all oafer." - -"Yes." - -"In a leetle vhile one feller vhants me to shange a seven-tollar bill, -so as he could gif some money to der orphan assylums; und he lafts, ha! -ha! ha! Dot tickled me some more, und I lafts too. Den de odder feller, -he grabs me py der collar und pulls me down behind, und says dey looks -in my pockets for a shteampoat dot vos stolen from Detroit. Dot makes -us all laff, like some goot shoke." - -"It must have been funny." - -"It vhas. Dose fellers took out my wallet and counted oop der monish. -I had shust ten tollar; und dey laft, und said dot dey must go on some -trips to der seashore mit dot. Dot tickled me some more, und I laft, -too." - -"Well, what then?" - -"Vhell, den dey shumped oud, und put deir fingers on der noses, -und says, 'Goot-py, old Dutchmans,' und avhay dey goes like some -horse-races." - -"And you didn't laugh at that?" - -"Vhell, not pooty much. I vhas all ready to, but I shtopped. If dem -fellers vhas up to shokes, it was all right; but if they vhas robbers, -I vhants you to catch 'em, und gif 'em some pieces of my mind, like -dunder. I doan' like somepody to laff at me vhen they doan' feel -tickled all oafer." - - - - -AN ERROR O' JUDGMENT. - - -We are a quiet, law-abiding people doon here in Saltcoats. Indeed, I -havna seen a polisman for sax weeks, an' trooly when I think o' hoo -happy we a' are I'm aye reminded o' the hundred and thirty-third Saum. - -Being orderly folk, an' in oor beds at a proper oor, the street-lamps -are a' screwed oot every nicht at twal o'clock--an' quite late eneuch -tae, for if folk are no hame by that time they should be. Oor gas, -I may remark, is cheaper and better than the Glasgow thing; altho' -we don't make a great wark aboot it bein' equal ta sae mony "caunle -po'er," an' ither nonsense o' that kin'. Bein' savin' folk, moreover, -on nichts when the mune's up the lamps are no lichtit at a'. It wad be -o' nae use, you see, an' a perfect throwin' awa o' gas. But that brings -me to what I was goin' tae say. - -The ither nicht, though it wis vera dark, no a lamp was lichtet, a -matter that rather bothered the inhabitants. By-an'-by a few o' the -principal folk cam' doon tae my place jist as I wis closin', an' after -a bit crack we made up oor mind tae gie a ca' on the lamplighter. The -reg'lar man wis through at Kirkliston--he's East country himsel', if -I don't mistak he belangs tae Manuel--buryin' his wife's auntie; so it -wis jist, as ye micht say, a depute-proxy that wis daein' the wark. -Weel, we daunnert up tae this depute-proxy's hoose; bit he wis in bed, -on' a' oor chappin' at the door couldna rouse him. Seein' this, we -borrow't a lether, frae a slater that steys next door, an' twa o' the -ithers steadin' it, I crept up the rungs an' twirlt at the window wi' -my fingers, singin' a' the time-- - - O are ye sleeping, Wullie! - O are ye sleeping, Wullie! - O are ye---- - -"Whit ye oh-in' at?" cries Wullie, comin' tae the window: "a body wid -think it wis some lass you were serenadin'." - -"Wullie," says I solemnly, "what's this ye hae been daein' at a' at a'?" - -"I've been daein' naething but sleepin': it's you that's kicking up the -row." - -"But ye hivna lichtet the lamps the nicht." - -"This is no my nicht: it's the mune the nicht." - -"Surely ye've made a mistak, Wullie: there's nae mune that I see." - -"I've made nae mistak, for I lookit the almanac." - -"But will ye no listen tae reason? Put yer heid oot an' see for -yersel'." - -Wullie put his heid oot. "Woel," he says, "there's nae mune, certainly; -but ye surely widna hae me responsible for that. I go by the almanac; -an' if it says there's to be a mune, it's a' one tae me whether there's -nae mune or a million o' munes, not a lamp will I licht." - -"That's quite richt, Wullie: nae doot ye maun hae some rule to go -by--Gentlemen," I cries doon, "he has the best o' the argument: what am -I tae dae noo?" - -"Haul him oot the window," they cried up. - -"Oh! if ye're goin' tae begin fechtin' I'll come doon," I replies, "and -let some o' the rest o' ye up." But they cried, that I'd better jist -settle it when I wis there, so I says, "Wullie, whit almanac d'ye go -by? Is't Orr's, or the Belfast?" - -"Here it's up on the mantlepiece, ye can see it for yersel';" and he -took it doon, an' held it oot tae me, giein' me a cannle at the same -time to read it by. One look, hooever, explained the hale affair. -"Gracious guidness, Wullie," I cries, "this is last year's!" - -"Eh! what! last year's?" - -"It is that," says I. - -"Mr Kaye," says Wullie, "don't say another word. Wait a minute, an' -I'll put on my troosers, an' in hauf an oor every lamp'll be shinin' -sae that ye wid think it wis a general illumination." - -He wis as guid as his word; an' we a' accompanied him on his rounds, -an' the cheers the laddies gied as each lamp wis lichtet wid 'a' dune -yer hert guid. We had a meetin' in the coalree afterwards; an' I -proposed that Wullie, for his strict attention tae duty--it was only an -error o' judgment he had made, very different frae carelessness--should -get the first vacant place we had, at a guid wage; an' the motion wis -carried, an' Wullie an' us a' went hame happy. - - - - -SOCKERY KADAHCUT'S KAT. - - -Oh! I had de vorst dime lasd veek dot you effer saw. Katrina (dot vos -mine frau) vent avay to make a liddle bicnic, und as I vas been hafin' -de shake und agers und didn't feel pooty goot, I shtayed to home. - -Vell, as I vas valkin' arount de parn yart, I saw dot same olt plue hen -coom out from unter der parn sayin': "Kut, kut, ka-dah-kut; kut, kut, -ka-dah-kut," und dot puts me in mint of a shoke dot Katrina mait on me -von tay: she sait dot I autto vas bin a olt rooster, cos de hens called -me effery dime ven day lait a aigs. Dot vas a pooty goot shoke on me. -Vell, as I vas saying, I saw dot olt plue hen coom out from unter de -parn, und I tought to myself, meppy dere vas a nest of aigs unter dere; -so I pull oud half a tozzen more sdones, und mait a hole so pig as I -can crawl unter, und den as I vas crawlin' arount unter a lookin' for -some nest mit aigs, all at once I spiet de pootiest liddle kat vat I -effer seen; he vas all plack mit vite shtripes, und vas shnuggled ub in -a little pall fahst asleeb. - -Vell, ve vas bin vantin' a kat because dere vas so many mouses in de -house, und I tought uf I kin git dot von I'll make Katrina a little -surbrise barty; so I krawl along so sdill as never vas, till I got ub -close to him, den I mait a grab und I ketched him by the neck so dot -he dont kin pite me; but ach, mine gootness, vat shmell, vorse as a -huntred parrels of limburgher! _I tought I had stepped on someding dot -vas deat, und proke him mit my knees._ I vas most shoke mit dot shmell; -but I held dot liddle kat up close to me und klimb oud so kwick as I -can. Ven I got oud in de parn yart, dere vas pig Chake Moser goin' py, -und ven he seen me, he sait, "Sockery, you olt deutch fool, vot are you -doin' mit dot skunk?"--"Shkunk!" I sait, "I tought dot vas a liddle -kat;" und I drop him so quick like he was hot. - -Vell, Chake, he laf like he vould kill himself; und I ask him vot I kin -do to git me off dot shmell. He sait dot de only ding vas to be perried -in de ground till de earth absorp de shmell; und he sait he vould tig -de hole und fix me in, if I vish. Vell, I dink dot is very goot of -Chake, und I tought if I can get me dot shmell off before Katrina cooms -home, I von't say any ding about dot liddle kat to anypody. So Chake -dig de hole, und I sit down in it und vas perried up to de neck; den -Chake sait he vas in a hurry und he must go to de willage, und he vent -avay. Booty soon kwick a fly lite on my face, und I koodn't prush him -off, cos my arms vas perried doo; und booty soon more as a hundret -flies und effery ding vas krawl all ofer my het, und I shpit and plow, -und vink my face dill I tink I vas gone crazy. Bimepy I heart a noise -doun de roat, und I looked und dere vas apoud every man, vooman, und -shildren in de willage, mit shpades, mit bic-axes, mit shuffles, mit -efery dings, und all runnin rite ub de hill to my house; in a minnit -more as dwenty vas in der yart, und ven dey see me perried to de chin, -und vinkin und shpitten at dem flies, dere eyes shtuck oud more as a -half a feet, und Dick Klaus sait, "_Vot vas you doin dere, Sockery?_" - -Vell, I see dot dere vas no use drying to keep dot shdill, so I told -dem all aboud dot liddle kat; und, my chimminy cracious! you kood hear -dem fellows laff more as a mile. - -You see dot shackass of a Chake Moser run und told dem in de willage -dot dere vas a man perried alive up to Kadahcut's, so of course -eferypody coom to git him oud. - -Vell, dey tig me oud, und I trow away dem clothes, und vash, und vash; -but ven Katrina coom ad nide, I shmell so dot she mait me sleeb in de -parn for a whole veek. - -I tink I shall moof avay; eferypody vants to know if I vant to py a -kat, und I don'd kan shtand dis much longer yet. - - - - -I VASH SO GLAD I VASH HERE! - -A HUMOROUS RECITATION. - - -One who does not believe in immersion for baptism was holding a -protracted meeting, and one night preached on the subject of baptism. -In the course of his remarks he said that some believe it necessary -to go down into the water, and come up out of it, to be baptized. -But this he claimed to be fallacy; for the preposition "into" of the -Scripture should be rendered differently, as it does not mean _into_ at -all times. "Moses," he said, "we are told, went up into the mountain; -and the Saviour was taken up into a high mountain, etc. Now, we do not -suppose either went into a mountain, but went unto it. So with going -down into the water: it means simply going down close by or near to -the water, and being baptized in the ordinary way by sprinkling or -pouring." He carried this idea out fully, and in due season closed his -discourse, when an invitation was given for any one so disposed to rise -and express his thoughts. Quite a number of his brethren arose and -said they were glad they had been present on this occasion, that they -were well pleased with the sound sermon they had just heard, and felt -their souls greatly blessed. Finally, a corpulent gentleman of Teutonic -extraction, a stranger to all, arose and broke the silence that was -almost painful, as follows:-- - -"Mister Breacher, I is so glad I vash here to-night, for I has had -explained to my mint some dings dat I neffer could pelief before. Oh, -I is so glad dat into does not mean into at all, but shust close by or -near to; for now I can pelief many dings vot I could not pelief pefore. -We reat, Mr. Breacher, dat Taniel vash cast into de ten of lions, and -came out alife. Now I neffer could pelief dat, for wilet peasts would -shust eat him right off; but now it is fery clear to my mint. He vash -shust close py or near to, and tid not get into de ten at all. Oh, I -ish so glad I vash here to-night! Again, we reat dat de Heprew children -vash cast into de firish furnace, and dat always look like a peeg story -too, for they would have been purnt up; but it ish all blain to my mint -now, for dey was shust cast py or close to de firish furnace. Oh, I -vash so glad I vash here to-night! And den, Mr. Breacher, it ish said -dat Jonah vash cast into de sea, and taken into de whale's pelly. Now -I neffer could pelief dat. It alwish seemed to me to be a peeg fish -story, but it ish all blain to my mint now. He vash not into de whale's -pelly at all, but shump onto his pack and rode ashore. Oh, I vash so -glad I vash here to-night! - -"And now, Mr. Breacher, if you will shust exblain two more bassages of -Scriptures, I shall be oh, so happy dot I vash here to-night. One of -dem ish vere it saish de vicked shall be cast into a lake dat burns mit -fire and primstone alwish. Oh, Mr. Breacher, shall I be cast into dat -lake if I am vicked, or shust close py or near to--shust near enough to -be comfortable? Oh, I hope you tell me I shall be cast only shust py -a good vays off, and I will pe so glad I vash here to-night. De oder -bassage is dat vich saish, blessed are they who do these commandments, -dat dey may have right to de dree of life, and enter in droo de gates -of de city, and not shust close py or near to,--shust near enough to -see vat I have lost,--and I shall pe so glad I vash here to-night!" - - - - -DOT SHLY LEEDLE RASKEL. - - - I kin saw you, you shly leedle raskel, - A-beekin' ad me drough dot shair! - Come here righd away now und kiss me-- - You doughd I don't know you vas dere. - You all der dime hide from your fader, - Und subbose he can't see mit his eyes, - You vas goin' to fool me--eh, Fritzey?-- - Und gafe me a grade big surprise? - - Dot boy vas a rekular monkey-- - Dere vas noding so high he don'd glimb; - Und his mudder, she says dot his drousers - Vants new bosoms in dem all der dime. - He vas schmard, dough, dot same leedle feller, - Und he sings all der vile like a lark, - From vonce he gids up in der mornin' - Dill ve drofe him to bed afder dark. - - He's der bussiest von in der family, - Und I bed you de louder he sings - He vas raisin' der dickens mit some von-- - He vas up to all manner of dings. - He vos beekin' away, dot young raskel, - Drough der shair--Moly Hoses! vot's dot? - Dot "son-of-gun" mit a sceesors - Is cut off der dail of der cat! - - - - -A JEW'S TROUBLE. - -HURWOOD. - - -Vot a coundry dot is, anyvays! unt vot a peebles! Ye poor Shews don'd -got some quietness anyveres. Ve vas been persecooted! dot is vot it is. -Yust lisden vonce, vat droubles I haf by mineself. - -In the vorst blace my name vos Isaacs--dot is my lasd name: my vrond -name vas Solomon, unt I keeps me a nice leedle cloding schtore in de -Powery. You oughd to seen it vonce! I got me eferyt'ing in dot schtore. -Vell, von day last veek a nice cushdomer, vot liefed in Yarsey, come -in, unt I sells him a peautiful coat very sheep. Von he pud id on, id -vas a leedle, _yust a leedle_, full preasded in de pack; bud I got dot -coat ub in my handt, so he did nod know it vas too pig enough. I dold -him dot vas _peautiful_ fid--yusd like it vas made for him! - -"Of you don'd peleef dot," says I, "I galls my vife. Maria, don'd dot -coat fid dot shentlemans?" - -"Yah, Solomon, dot vas a loafly fid, for sure!" said Maria. - -So dot shentleman buy dot coat, and giefe me yust vot I asked, und -nefer said vonce, "I giefe you hafe of dot brice," or somedings like -dot, und I vas mad yust like a hornet dot I didn'd ask him dwice as -mooch! - -But vot has all dot got to do mit my droubles? - -Nix! - -Veil, go ahade! - -Von day I gone me oud for a leedle valk, und vas scmoking von of dose -real Hafana segars vot you buy dree for den cents, ven ub comes a pig, -bulled-headed mans, vot hafe his hair all viled off, und he busds me in -de schnood righd avay quick, pefore I know me some dings; unt, as my -nose don'd vas fery schmall, it hurd me like fury. - -"Vot de madder is, ain'd it?" said I. "Vot for you hid me dot vay?" - -"Pecause you vas a _Shew_; dot is vot de madder vas!" said that old -fighder. - -"Vell, vot if I vas a Shew? I don'd do somedings by you! I don'd know -you anyvays." - -Unt den he giefe id do me again righdt in my left ear. - -"Dot ish pecause you vas a Shew vot _killed de Saviour_! Dot is vy I -hid you; und I'll busd efery hook nose vot I meed!" - -"Vot hafe I got to do mit dot, anyvays? Id vas more ash a dousand years -ago ven dot habbened, und I vas nod borned yet! You pig shackass, vot -you means, anyvays?" - -"Vell," says old schwell headt, "dot makes me nod different! I don'd -hear me noding about it _till lasd nightd_, unt I'm going to 'put a -headt' on every Shew I see, for doin' it!" - -Vell, dot vas pig fool anyvays; so I left him and gone me home to -Maria, und she pud mustard boultice on my schmeller. I vill sent dot -feller up to blay "scheckers mit his nose," yust so soon as I catch him -again! - - - - -DER MULE SHTOOD ON DER STEAMBOAD DECK. - - - Der mule shtood on der steamboad deck, - For der land he wouldn't dread. - Dhey tied a halder rount his neck, - Und vacked him over der headt. - - But obstinate and braced he shtood, - As born der scene do rule. - A creature of der holt-back brood,-- - A shtubborn, shteadfast mule. - - Dhey cursed and shwore, bud he vould not go - Undill he felt inclined; - Und dough dhey dundered blow on blow, - He aldered nod his mind. - - Der boats-boy to der shore complained, - "Der varmint's bound do shtay!" - Shtill ubon dot olt mule's hide - Der sounding lash made blay. - - His masder from der shore reblied, - "Der boads aboud do sail; - As oder means in vain you've dried, - Subbose you dwist his dail. - - "I dhink dot dat vil magke him land." - Der boats-boy, brave, dough bale, - Den near drew mit oudstretched hand, - Do magke der dwist avail. - - Dhen game a kick of thunder sound! - Dot boy--oh, vhere vas he? - Ask of der vaves dot far around - Beheld him in der sea. - - For a moment nod a voice was heard; - Bud dot mule he vinked his eye, - As dhough to ask, to him occurred, - "How vas dot for high?" - - ANON. - - - - -TEACHING HIM THE BUSINESS. - - -"Herman," said a Poydras-street merchant clothier, addressing his -clerk, "haf ve sold all of dose overgoats vat vas left over from last -vinter?" - -"No, sir; dere vas dree of dem left yet." - -"Vell, ve must sell 'em right avay, as the vinter vill not last, you -know, Herman. Pring me one uf de goats und I vill show you somedings -about de pisness. I vill tell you how we vill sell dem oud, und you -must learn de bisness, Hermann; de vinter vas gone, you know, und ve -hav had dose goats in de store more es seex years." - -An eight-dollar overcoat was handed him by his clerk, and, smoothing it -out, he took a buckskin money-purse from the showcase, and stuffing it -full of paper, dropped it into one of the pockets. - -"Now, Herman, my poy," he continued, "vatch me sell dot goat. I haf -sold over dirty-fife uv dem shust de same vay, und I vant to deech you -de pisness. Yen de nexd gustomer comes in de shop I vill show de way -Rube Hoffenstein, mine broder in Detroit, sells his cloding und udder -dings." - -A few minutes later a negro, in quest of a suitable pair of cheap -shoes, entered the store. The proprietor advanced smiling, and -inquired-- - -"Vat is it you vish?" - -"Yer got any cheap shoes hyar?" asked the negro. - -"Blenty uf dem, my frient, blenty; at any brice you vant." - -The negro stated that he wanted a pair of brogans; and soon his pedal -extremities were encased in them, and a bargain struck. As he was about -to leave, the proprietor called him back. - -"I ain't gwine to buy nuffin' else. I'se got all I want," said the -negro sullenly. - -"Dot may be so, my dear sir," replied the proprietor, "but I shust -vants you to look at dis goat. It vas de pure Russian wool, und dis -dime last year you doan got dot same goat for twenty-five dollars. -Mine gracious! cloding vas gone down to noding, and der vas no money -in de pisness any longer. You vant someding dot vill keep you from de -vedder, und make you feel varm as summer-dime. De gonsumption vas going -round, und de doctors dell me it vas de vedder. More den nine beobles -died round vere I lif last week. Dink of dot! Mine frient, dot goat -vas Russian vool, dick und hevy. Vy, Misder Jones, who owns der pank -on Canal Streed, took dot goat home mit him yesterday, und vore it all -day; but it vas a leedle dight agross de shoulders, und he brought it -pack shust a vile ago. Dry it on, my dear sir. Ah! dot vas all righd. -Misder Jones vas a rich man und he liked dot goat. How deep de pockets -vas! but it vas a leedle dight agross de shoulders." - -The negro buttoned up the coat, thrust his hands in the pockets and -felt the purse. A peaceful smile played over his face when his touch -disclosed to his mind the contents of the pockets, but he choked down -his joy and inquired-- - -"Who did you say wore this hyar coat?" - -"Vy, Misder Jones, vot owns de pank on Canal Streed. - -"What yer gwine to ax for it?" - -"Dwenty dollars." - -"Dat's pow'ful high price fur dis coat, but I'll take it." - -"Herman! here, wrap up this goat for de schentleman and drow in a -cravat; it vill make him look nice mit de ladies." - -"Nebber mind, I'll keep de coat on," replied the negro; and pulling out -a roll of money he paid for it and left the store. - -While he was around the next corner moaning over the stuffed purse, -Hoffenstein said to his clerk:-- - -"Herman, fix up anudder vun of dose goats de same vay; and doan forget -to dell dem dot Misder Jones vot run de pank on Canal Streed vore it -yesterday." - - - - -DER GOOD-LOOKIN SHNOW. - - - Oh! dot shnow, dot goot-lookin shnow, - Vhich makes von der shky out on tings below, - Und yoost on der haus vhere der shingles vas grow, - You come mit some coldness, vherefer you go; - Valtzin und pblayin und zinging along,-- - Goot-lookin shnow, you dond cood done wrong. - Ofen of you make on some oldt gal's scheek, - It makes notting tifferent, ofer das shendlesom freak. - Goot-lookin shnow, von der glouds py der shky, - You vas bully mit cold vedder, und bully von high. - - Oh! dot shnow, dot goot-lookin shnow, - Yoost dis vay und vot you make vhen you go; - Fhlyin aroundt, you got matness mit fun, - Und fhreeze makes der nose of efery von; - Lafein, runnin, mit gwickness go py, - Yoost shtobbin a leedle, den pooty gwick fhly; - Und efen der togs, dot vas out in der vet, - Vood shnab at der bieces vhich makes on dhere hedt. - Der peobles vas grazy, und caddles vood crow - Und say how you vas, you goot-lookin shnow. - - Und so gwick you vas dhere, und der vedder did shnow, - Dhey shpeak out in dones so shweeder as low, - Und der shleigh-riders, too, vas gone py in der lite, - You dond cood saw dhem, dill quite out of site. - Schwimmen, shkimmen, fhlirdin dhey go - Rect on der tob of dot goot-lookin shnow. - Dot shnow vas vhite glean vhen it comes der shky down, - Und yoost so muddy like mud, vhen it comes of der town; - To been valked on py more as dwo hoondret fife feet, - Dill gwick, vas yoost lookin so phlack like der shtreet. - - Vell, I vas yoost lookin vonce so goot like dot shnow, - But I tumbled me off, und vay I did go; - Nicht so glean, like der mut dot growed on der shtreet, - I vas shcraped von der poots off, of der peobles I meet. - Dinkin und shworin, I like of I die, - To been shtiff like a mackerel mit no von to buy; - Vhile I trink me some lager to got a shquare meal, - I vas afraid von der ghosts mine pody vood shteal. - Got in Himmel! how ish dot? Vas I gone down so low, - Vhen I vonce vas so vhiteness like dot goot-lookin shnow? - - Yah, for dhrue, I vas told you, I vas vonce pure like dot shnow, - Mit blaindy of lofe, von mine heart out vas grow; - I dink von dhem efery von, and dhey dink von me too, - Und I vas humpugged mit fhladeries, dot's yoost vot dhey do. - Mine Fadder, Mudder, Gabruder der same, - Vas loose me some sympadies, und forget vonce mine name; - Und dot raskals who comes of me in der tarkness py nite, - Vood gone more as a plocks to got out of mine site, - Der coat von mine leeks und poots of mine toe, - Vas not gleaner as doze of dot goot-lookin shnow. - - It was gweer it shood been dot dot goot-lookin shnow - Vood make on a pad mans mit novhere to go; - Und how gweer it vood been, vhen yoost pehindt tay, - Ofer der hail und das vind mit mine pody vood pblay, - Hobbin, skibben, und me dedt like an eel-- - Mine mat vas got oop, never a vord could I shpeil, - To been zeen py der peobles who vas valk der town, - Who vas dickled mit pbleasures, of der shnow vas come down, - I yoost lay der ground, und gone died mit a woe, - Mid a pedgwilts und billows, von der goot-lookin shnow. - - - - -HOW JAKE SCHNEIDER WENT BLIND. - - -In Germantown, near Philadelphia, several years ago, a native, -simple-minded Dutchman, named Jacob Schneider, kept a liquor and -lager-beer saloon. Jacob was not only fond of drinking lager with -his customers, but would not refuse either corn-juice, red-eye, or -Jersey lightning, when asked to imbibe thereof in a social way--the -customer, of course, paying an extra half-dime for Jacob's drink. One -would not suppose that this friendly habit could, by any possibility, -bring trouble and vexation upon honest Jacob; but it did, as we shall -presently show. - -One eventful night it was observed that Schneider had shut up his -saloon and gone home full an hour earlier than usual. Being asked, next -day, what was the matter, he told the following droll story:-- - -"I shut up mine blace pecause I vas mat as ter tyfel, and vas humpugged -into der pargain. I'll tell you 'pout it. Yer see, dree or four young -shcamps gomes into mine saloon, and one says to me, 'Yacob, you got -some fresh lager?' I says 'yaas,' and I draws der lager; anoder von -says he vants gards, and I prings de gards, and da blays gards. Pimeby -noder says, 'Yacob, old poy, let's have some red-eye! and mind you, -Yacob, pring an extra glass for yourself.' Vell den, I prings der -pottle of ret-eye, and da drinks two dree dimes, and I drinks mit 'em -two dree dimes; and I gets so tam trunk dat I lies down on der pench -and goes to shleep. Ven I vakes up, der room ish dark as der tyfel, put -I hears der young chaps calling der gards; von says, 'bass!' nodder -says, 'left power!--right power!' den nodder von, he says, 'uker'd!' -and shwears like a drooper. Da vas all blaying at der taple, shust as -da vas ven I goes to shleep, but mine eyes vas nix--I could shust see -notting at all--the room vas bitch dark. So I dinks I vas plind, and I -feel pad, and I cry out, 'Oh, mine Gott! I p'lieve I'm shtruck plind!' -Den der young chaps leaves der taple and gomes vhere I vas, and makes -p'leeve da very sorry. One says, 'Poor Yacob! you can no see--vat -vill der poor man's vamerly do!' Nodder call me poor cuss, and says -I no pusiness to trink noding stronger dan lager. I got mat den--mat -as dunder--and I says to him, 'Vy, den, you vants me to drink it mit -you? I p'leeve you put shtuff in der liquor to make me plind!' Den he -laughs at me, and says I needn't trink if I didn't pe a mind to. Shust -den von little poy gomes to der door mit a lantern, and I finds der -drick da vas blaying me--I see shust as goot as ever! Der rascals had -plow out der lights, and make p'leeve play uker to vool me! I told 'em -'twas all humpug, and they petter glear out, for I vouldn't light up no -more. Dat's vat mine shaloon vas shut up for." - - - - -THE DUTCHMAN AND THE RAVEN. - - - Vonce upon a midnite dreary, as I pondered, veak and veary, - Ofer many a glass of lager, vot I drank in days of yore, - In my bed I vas faschd nabbing, ven I dream I heert some dapping, - As if some von gently drowing brickbats at my voodshed door; - "Dis dot Snyder poy," I muttered, "trying to preak my voodshed door-- - Only dis, und noding more." - - Yah, disdinctly I remember, it was in dot pleak December, - Und each seberate dying ember vos gone oud long pefore; - Dot nide I felt quoide heardy, for Louise vent to a bardy, - Und of cause I drunk more lager as I nefer did pefore; - But schdill I know dot somedings sthruck my oudside voodshed door-- - Only dot, und noding more. - - From oud mine bed I makes von jumb, und see vot vos dis drubble, - Mine Got! vot makes mine legs so veak? I feel so not pefore; - I sckarce could valk, I could not talk, mine mind was in a muddle; - But I dought vas Johnny Snyder dryin' to open schud mine door, - Und mit cabbage-sdumps to hit me, as he often doned pefore-- - Dis I said, und noding more. - - Py und py I vos got praver; den I takes mine gun and sabre, - Und schloly valks, midout mine pants, up to mine voodshed door; - Und dare for von half hour I sdood mitout no power, - So veak I vos I could not lift mine hands up any more; - But at vonce I got more polder, und I opened vide de door-- - Plack as darkness, noding more. - - Deep into dot plackness peeping, all around mine voodshed creeping, - Dreaming dreams no Dutchman efer dare to dream pefore. - Der silence vos unbroken, und der sdillness gave no token; - But I hear somepody spoken, "You vill vare dem pants no more." - "Vot is dot?" I cried, and someding answered back the vord, "No more." - Merely dis, und noding more. - - Back indo my bedroom turning, all mine sole mitin me burning, - Den vonce more I heert a tapping, someding louder as pefore. - Now I cries out, "Dunder vedder! vot the devil ish the madder?" - Surely dis ain't Johnny Snyder hitting cabbage mit mine door? - No! I dink dis cannot be, for I bet, by geminee! - 'Twas the vind, und noding more. - - Oben here I flung mine vindow, ven dere all at vonce came into - A ding just like a big plack cat I never saw pefore; - Von fearful vink he gafe me, not von moment sdoped nor sdayed he; - His pack he humped, und den he jumped upon mine bedroom door. - Dare he sat, und noding more. - - The air dew vas so funny, for it schmells no more like honey, - Und den I squease mine nose hard until it vas quide sore; - Den vonce I cried mid all my mide, "I vant to vare mine pants to-night, - Und of you dink dot I vos dighd, chust chumped down of dot floor;" - Again I heard it gently say: "You'll vare dem pants no more." - Dis it said, und noding more. - - "Profid," said I, "ding of efil; profid sdill, if dorg or devil, - For vot you comes into mine house? I vant you here no more; - Leafe no ding here as a doken of dot lie vich you hafe spoken; - You go home, I vas not joking, for I told you vonce pefore, - Chust dake dot smell frum out mine house, und jump down off mine door!" - But it vinked, und said no more. - - - - -THE DUTCHMAN WHO GAVE MRS. SCUDDER THE SMALL-POX. - - -Some years ago, a droll sort of a Dutchman was the driver of a stage in -New Jersey, and he passed daily through the small hamlet of Jericho. -One morning, just as the vehicle was starting from Squash Point, a -person came up and requested the driver to take in a small box, and -"leave it at Mrs. Scudder's, third house on the left after you get into -Jericho." - -"Yaas, oh yaas, Mr. Ellis, I knows der haus!" said the driver," I -pleeve der voman dakes in vashin', vor I always sees her mit her -clothes hung out." - -"You're right, that's the place," said Ellis (for that was the man's -name), "she washes for one of the steamboats." - -The box was thereupon duly deposited in the front boot, the driver took -his 'leven-penny bit for carrying it, and the stage started on its -winding way. In an hour or two, the four or five houses comprising the -village of Jericho hove in sight. In front of one of them, near the -door, a tall, muscular woman was engaged at a wash-tub; while lines of -white linen, fluttering in the wind, ornamented the adjoining lawn. The -stage stopped at the gate, when the following ludicrous dialogue, and -attendant circumstances, took place:-- - -Driver--Is dis Miss Scutter's haus? - -Woman [looking up, without stopping her work,]--Yes, I'm Mrs. Scudder. - -Driver--I'fe got der small pox in der stage; vill you come out and dake -it? - -Woman [suddenly throwing down the garment she was washing]--Got the -small-pox! Mercy on me! why do you stop here, you wicked man? You'd -better be off, quick as you can. [Runs into the house.] - -Driver mutters to himself--I vonder vat's der matter mit der fool; I'fe -goot mind to drow it over der fence. - -Upon second thought, he takes the box, gets off the stage, and carries -it into the house. But in an instant he reappears, followed by a broom -with an enraged woman at the end of it, who is shouting in a loud -voice-- - -"You git out of this! clear yourself quicker! You've no business to -come here exposing decent people to the small-pox; what do you mean by -it?" - -"I dells you it's der shmall _pox_!" exclaimed the Dutchman, -emphasising the word box as plainly as he could--"Ton't you -versteh?--der shmall _pox_ dat Misther Ellis sends to you." - -But Mrs. Scudder was too much excited to comprehend this explanation, -even if she had listened to it. Having it fixed in her mind that there -was a case of small-pox on the stage, and that the driver was asking -her to take into the house a passenger thus afflicted, her indignation -knew no bounds. "Clear out!" exclaimed she, excitedly, "I'll call the -men folks if you don't clear!" and then shouting at the top of her -voice, "Ike! you Ike! where are you?" Ike soon made his appearance, and -inquired-- - -"W-what's the matter, mother?" - -The driver answered--"I dells you now onct more, for der last time, -I'fe got der shmall pox; and Misther Ellis he dells me to gif it to -Miss Scutter, and if dat vrow ish Miss Scutter, vy she no dake der pox?" - -By this time several of the passengers had got off the stage to see the -fun, and one of them explained to Mrs. Scudder that it was a box, and -not small-pox, that the driver wished to leave with her. - -The woman had become so thoroughly frightened that she was still -incredulous, until a bright idea struck Ike. - -"Oh, mother!" exclaimed he," I know what 'tis--it's Madame Ellis's box -of laces, sent to be done up." - -With this explanation the affair was soon settled, and Mistress Scudder -received the Dutchman's "shmall pox" amidst the laughter and shouts of -the occupants of the old stage-coach. The driver joined in, although -he had not the least idea of what they were laughing at, and as the -vehicle rolled away, he added not a little to the mirth by saying, in -a triumphant tone of voice, "I vas pound ter gif der old vomans der -shmall pox, vether she vould dake it or not!" - - - - -ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN. - - - Macphairson Clonglocketty Angus McClan - Was the son of an elderly laboring man. - You've guessed him a Scotchman, shrewd reader, at sight, - And p'r'aps altogether, shrewd reader, you're right. - - From the bonnie blue Forth to the beastly Deeside, - Round by Dingwell and Wrath to the mouth of the Clyde, - There wasn't a child or a woman or man - Who could pipe with Clonglocketty Angus McClan. - - No other could wake such detestable groans - With reed and with chaunter, with bag and with drones. - All day and all night he delighted the chiels - With sniggering pibrochs and jiggety reels. - - He'd clamber a mountain and squat on the ground, - And the neighboring maidens would gather around - To list to his pipes and to gaze in his een, - Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen. - - All loved their McClan, save a Sassenach brute - Who came to the Highlands to fish and to shoot. - He dressed himself up in a Highlander way; - Though his name it was Pattison Corby Torbay. - - Torbay had incurred a good deal of expense - To make him a Scotchman in every sense; - But this is a matter, you'll readily own, - That isn't a question of tailors alone. - - A Sassenach chief may be bonnily built; - He may purchase a sporran, a bonnet, and kilt; - Stick a skean in his hose--wear an acre of stripes-- - But he cannot assume an affection for pipes. - - Clonglocketty's pipings all night and all day - Quite frenzied poor Pattison Corby Torbay. - The girls were amused at his singular spleen, - Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen. - - "Macphairson Clonglocketty Angus, my lad, - With pibrochs and reels you are driving me mad. - If you really must play on that horrid affair, - My goodness, play something resembling an air." - - Boiled over the blood of Macphairson McClan-- - The Clan of Clonglocketty rose as one man; - For all were enraged at the insult, I ween, - Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen. - - "Let's show," said McClan," to this Sassenach loon - That the bagpipes can play him a regular tune. - Let's see," said McClan, as he thoughtfully sat, - "'_In my Cottage_' is easy,--I'll practise at that." - - He blew at his "Cottage," and he blew with a will, - For a year, seven months, and a fortnight, until - (You'd hardly believe it) McClan, I declare, - Elicited something resembling an air. - - It was wild--it was fitful--as wild as the breeze: - It wandered about into several keys. - It was jerky, spasmodic, and harsh, I'm aware; - But still it distinctly suggested an air. - - The Sassenach screamed, and the Sassenach danced; - He shrieked in his agony, bellowed and pranced. - And the maidens who gathered rejoiced at the scene, - Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen. - - "Hech gather, hech gather, hech gather around; - And fill a' ye lugs wi' the exquisite sound. - An air fra' the bagpipes--beat that if you can! - Hurrah for Clonglocketty Angus McClan!" - - The fame of his piping spread over the land: - Respectable widows proposed for his hand, - And maidens came flocking to sit on the green, - Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen. - - One morning the fidgety Sassenach swore - He'd stand it no longer--he drew his claymore, - And (this was, I think, in extremely bad taste) - Divided Clonglocketty close to the waist. - - Oh, loud were the wailings for Angus McClan! - Oh, deep was the grief for that excellent man! - The maids stood aghast at the horrible scene, - Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen. - - It sorrowed poor Pattison Corby Torbay - To find them "take on" in this serious way. - He pitied the poor little fluttering birds, - And solaced their souls with the following words:-- - - "O maidens!" said Pattison, touching his hat, - "Don't blubber, my dears, for a fellow like that; - Observe, I'm a very superior man, - A much better fellow than Angus McClan." - - They smiled when he winked and addressed them as "dears," - And they all of them vowed, as they dried up their tears, - A pleasanter gentleman never was seen-- - Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen. - - W. S. GILBERT. - - - - -A DUTCH SERMON. - - -Mine friends, ven first you come here, you was poor; and now, friends, -you is prout; and you's gotten on your unicorns, ant dem vits you like -a dongs upon a hog's pack. Now, mine friends, let me dell you dis: a -man is a man if he's no pigger as my dumb. Ven Tavid vent out to fight -mit Goliah, he dook noting vid him but one sling. Now don't mistake -me, mine friends: it vas not a rum sling; no, nor a gin sling; no, -nor a mint vater sling; no: it was a sling made mit an hickory stick. -Now, ven Goliah sees Tavid coming, "You little dampt scoundrel, does -you comes to vight me? I vill give you to de birds of de fielt, and de -peasts of de air!" Tavid says, "Goliah, Goliah, de race is not always -mit de shwift, nor ish de battle mit de strong; and a man is a man if -he's no pigger ash my dumb." So Tavid he fixes a shtone in his sling, -and he drows it at Goliah, and knocks him rite in de vorehead; and -den Tavid takes Goliah's swort, and cuts off his head; and den all de -pretty cals comes out and strewed flowers in his way, and sung, "Saul -is a creat man, vor he has kilt his tousands; put Tavid is creater as -he, vor he has kilt Goliah." Now, mine friends, when you coes out to -vight mit te rebels, remember vat I dell you,--dat a man is a man if -he's no pigger as my dumb. - - - - -SHACOB'S LAMENT. - - - Oxcoose me if I shed some tears, - Und wipe my nose avay; - Und if a lump vos in my troat, - It comes up dere to shtay. - - My sadness I shall now unfoldt; - Und if dot tale of woe - Don'd do some Dutchmans any good, - Den I don't pelief I know. - - You see I fall myself in love; - Und effery night I goes - Across to Brooklyn by dot pridge, - All dressed in Sunday clothes. - - A vidder vomans vos der brize, - Her husband he vos dead; - Und all alone in this colt vorldt, - Dot vidder vos, she said. - - Her heart for love vos on der pine, - Und dot I like to see; - Und all der time I hoped dot heart - Vos on der pine for me. - - I keeps a butcher shop, you know, - Und in a stocking stout, - I put avay my gold and bills, - Und no one gets him oudt. - - If in der night some bank cashier - Goes skipping off mit cash, - I shleep so sound as nefer vos, - Vhile rich folks go to shmash. - - I court dot vidder sixteen months, - Dot vidder she courts me; - Und vhen I says, "Vill you be mine?" - She says, "You bet I'll be!" - - Ve vos engaged--oh, blessed fact! - I squeeze dot dimpled hand; - Her head upon my shoulder lays, - Shust like a bag of sand. - - "Before der vedding day vos set," - She vispers in mine ear, - "I like to say I haf to use - Some cash, my Jacob, dear. - - "I owns dis house and two big farms, - Und ponds und railroad shtock; - Und up in Yonkers I bossess - A grand big peesness block. - - "Der times vos dull, my butcher boy, - Der market vos no good; - Und if I sell"--I squeezed her handt - To show I understood. - - Next day--oxcoose my briny tears-- - Dot shtocking took a shrink; - I counted out twelf hundred in - Der cleanest kind o' chink. - - Und later, by two days or more, - Dot vidder shlopes avay; - Und leaves a note behindt for me, - In vhich dot vidder say,-- - - "DEAR SHAKE:-- - - Der rose vas redt, - Der violet blue-- - You see I've left, - Und you're left, too!" - - - - -MR. SCHMIDT'S MISTAKE. - - -I geeps me von leedle schtore town Proadway, und does a pooty goot -peesnis; bud I ton't got mooch gapital to vork mit, so I finds id hard -vork to get me all der gredits vot I vould like. Last veek I hear -aboud some goots dot a barty vas going to sell pooty sheap, und so I -writes dot man if he vould gife me der refusal of dose goots for a -gouple a days. He gafe me der refusal; dot is, he sait I gouldn't haf -dem. But he sait he vould gall on me, und see mine sthore; and den if -mine schtanding in peesnis vas goot, berhaps ve might do somedings -togedder. Vell, I vas behint mine gounter yesderday, ven a shentleman -gomes in, und dakes me py der hant, und say, "Mr. Schmidt, I pelieve." -I say, "Yaw," und den I dinks to mineself, "Dis vas de man vot has -dose goots to sell, und I musd dry to make some goot imbression mit -him so ve gould do some peesnis."--"Dis vas goot schtore," he says, -looking aroundt; "bud you ton't got a pooty pig schstock already." I -vas avraid to let him know dot I only hat 'bout a tousand tollars voort -off goots in der blace, so I says, "You ton't vould dink I hat more as -dree tousand tollars in dis leedle schtore, aind id?" He says, "You -ton't tole me! Vos dot bossible?" I says, "Yaw." I meant dot id _vas -bossible_, dough id vasn't so; vor I vas like Shorge Vashingtons ven -he cut town der "olt elm" on Poston Gommons mit his leedle hadget, und -gouldn't dell some lies aboudt id. "Vell," says der schentleman, "I -dinks you ought to know petter as anypody else vot you haf got in der -schtore;" und den he dakes a leedle book vrom his bocket oudt, und say, -"Vell, I poots you town vor dree tousand tollars." I ask him vat he -means py "poots me town;" und den he says he vas von off der daxmen, or -assessors of broperty, und he tank me so kindly as nefer vos, because -he say I vos sooch an honest Deutscher, und tidn't dry und sheat der -gofermants. I dells you vat it vos, I tidn't veel any more petter as a -hundord ber cent, ven dot man valks oudt off mine schtore, und der nexd -dime I makes free mit sdrangers, I vinds first deir peesnis oudt. - - CHARLES F. ADAMS. - - - - -JOHN AND TIBBIE DAVISON'S DISPUTE. - - - John Davison and Tibbie, his wife, - Sat toasting their taes ae nicht, - When something startit in the fluir, - And blinkit by their sicht. - - "Guidwife," quoth John, "did ye see that moose? - Whar sorra was the cat?" - "A moose?"--"Aye, a moose."--"Na, na, guidman: - It was'na a moose, 'twas a rat!" - - "Ow, ow, guidwife! to think ye've been - Sae lang aboot the hoose, - An' no to ken a moose frae a rat! - Yon was'na a rat! 'twas a moose!" - - "I've seen mair mice than you, guidman,-- - An' what think ye o' that? - Sae haud your tongue, an' say nae mair, - I tell ye, it was a rat!" - - "_Me_ haud my tongue for _you_, guidwife! - I'll be mester o' this hoose: - I saw't as plain as een could seet, - An' I tell ye, it was a moose!" - - "If you're the mester o' the hoose, - It's I'm the mistress o't; - An' _I_ ken best what's in the hoose: - Sae I tell ye, it was a rat!" - - "Weel, weel, guidwife, gae mak' the brose, - An' ca' it what ye please." - So up she rose, and made the brose, - While John sat toasting his taes. - - They supit, and supit, and supit the brose, - And aye their lips played smack: - They supit, and supit, and supit the brose, - Till their lugs began to crack. - - "Sic fules we were to fa' oot, guidwife, - Aboot a moose."--"A what? - It's a lee ye tell; an' I say again - It was'na a moose; 'twas a rat!" - - "Wad ye ca' me a leear to my very face? - My faith, but ye craw croose! - I tell ye, Tib, I never will bear't! - 'Twas a moose!"--"'Twas a rat!"--"'Twas a moose!" - - Wi' her spoon she strack him ower the pow. - "Ye dour auld doit, tak' that; - Gae to your bed, ye canker'd sumph,-- - 'Twas a rat!"--"'Twas a moose!"--"'Twas a rat!" - - She sent the brose caup at his heels, - As he hirpled ben the hoose; - Yet he shoved oot his head as he steekit the door, - And cried, "'Twas a moose! 'twas a moose!" - - But when the carle was fast asleep, - She paid him back for that, - And roared into his sleepin' lug, - "'Twas a rat! 'twas a rat! 'twas a rat!" - - The de'il be wi' me if I think - It was a beast ava!-- - Neist mornin', as she sweepit the fluir, - She faund wee Johnnie's ba'! - - ROBERT LEIGHTON. - - - - -FRITZ UND I. - - - Mynheer, blease helb a boor oldt man, - Vot gomes vrom Sharmany, - Mit Fritz, mine tog und only freund, - To geep me gompany. - - I haf no gelt to puy mine pread, - No blace to lay me down, - For ve vas vanderers, Fritz und I, - Und strangers in der down. - - Some beoples gife us dings to eadt, - Und some dey kicks us oudt, - Und say, "You ton't got peesnis here, - To sdroll der schtreets aboudt!" - - Vot's dat you say? You puy mine tog - To gife me pread to eadt? - I vas so boor as nefer vas, - But I vas no "tead peat." - - Vot! sell mine tog, mine leetle tog, - Dot vollows me aboudt, - Und vags his dail, like anydings, - Yene'er I dakes him oudt! - - Schust look at him, und see him schump! - He likes me pooty vell; - Und dere vas somedings 'bout dat tog, - Mynheer, I vouldn't sell. - - "Der collar?" Nein, 'tvas somedings else - Vrom vich I gould not bart; - Und if dot ding vas dook avay, - I dinks it prakes mine heart. - - "Vot vas it, den, aboudt dat tog," - You ashk, "dat's not vor sale?" - I dells you vat it ish, mine freund: - Tish der vag off dat tog's dail! - - CHARLES F. ADAMS. - - - - -A TUSSLE WITH IMMIGRANTS. - - -The Ethnological Society of North America wished me to photograph types -of immigrants arriving from Europe, at New York. - -Castle Garden is where all steerage passengers land; and I was allowed -every facility by the authorities. - -I began with an Italian, swarthy, under-sized, dressed in velveteen, -and scented with garlic. As I placed him in front of the camera, he -said:-- - -"Ah been here before. Ah no greenhorn. Ah know the ropes a. You take a -pictura don't cost you a centa; you don't pay me a dolla; ah make ah -face a so you don't getta the pictura. You don't picka me up a sardine. -I sale the banana lass year in New York." - -A Frenchman was the next subject. Tall, meagre, polite, and talkative. - -"Sare," he remarked, "ze photographie ees not to me for ze first -taime. Ze art of all kind faind himself at home in ma countrie--_la -belle France_. I also am artist. I make ze wall papaire to beautify ze -house. I am artist in ze pastepot, and ze scissaires. To faind already -a brothaire artist makes me to weep. Excuse me zat I weep. I remove to -you ze hat; I salute ze veritable artist." Then this artist tried to -kiss me, and because I repulsed him stood in gloomy majesty while I -photographed him. - -Following my French friend, a Scotchman was brought. He wished me to -take pictures of his entire family--eleven in all--and when informed -that only types, not families, were required, he broke forth:-- - -"I'm no able exactly to see why types should be needed, and no -families. A type is guid eneugh thing gin ye'll want to prent a -paper, but a lairge family o' braw lads an' bonnie lasses gangs a -lang distance in a new land, an' I'm free to say my ain family is the -lairgest ye'll see frae the ship." - -Even the stolid immigrants had to smile when the next subject was -brought. He was a young German, tight-sleeved, long-skirted, smiling, -and chatty. - -"Vell! Py jimmeny! you took my picture mid a box! How you done it I -gifs oop! Und you told me ov I move I spoil him alretty. Den I don'd -move. Ov a flea pites me, I don'd move,--ov you don'd stand me too -long. Ov a man gifs me a glass of peer, I don'd move. Ov I got hungry, -I don'd go to dinner all der vile. I shoost stand here like I vas a -dellygraff bole! Don'd it?" - -I finished the morning's work with a splendid specimen of a young -Irishman, who had, I suspect, been injudiciously "treated" by his -friends. - -As I placed him before the camera, he said:-- - -"Av' it's taking aim ye are, don't say I thrimbled. God knows I'm -willin' an' proud to die for ould Oireland! Foire! ye base murdherer, -to desthroy me the day I kem ashore!" - -Matters were explained, and he apologized. - -"Why didn't ye say ye wouldn't shoot? How would I know ye didn't have -dynamite in yer box? Av its only the picthure av me mug you want, take -it an' welkim. I'm no pig to be wantin' to kape a threasure hid from -the wurruld." - -In departing I explained to the group that I would present each one -with a copy of his picture if their addresses were furnished, and a -Babel of words followed me. - -"Ah don't want a picture a. Ah want a dolla!" - -"Sare, I am _comble de l'honneur_. I zank you, sare!" - -"I'm vara muckle ableeged till ye. I'll tak' a dozen on the same -tairms." - -"Ov I don'd send you dot address, never mind; you send me dot bicture, -ennyhow!" - -"Faith! Amerika's a darlin' counthry! The best word I got at home was, -Leve the way, ye vagabone! Here it is, Misther O'Ryan, will it plaze ye -have yer picther taken, an' where'll we send it for ye?" - - PHILIP DOUGLASS. - - - - -A DOKETOR'S DRUBBLES. - - - I youst to bin a doketor vonce, - Vat koored all kints ov gases; - Und in my bragtis I have met - A goot mainy _deaferent_ fases. - - Vor dwendy milse round vere I leved, - De beeple vas gwite seekly; - Boud vonce a veek I galled arount, - Und zo I vound um veekly. - - Soam vas seek mit vone decease, - Und soam dey had anoder, - Und soam you vooden't doght vood leve - Vrom one ent do de oder. - - Bud pooty soon I vound dot oud - My bocket book was dhry, - Und also my oxpensays - Vas runing oval high. - - So I vent oud gollecting; - Bud aifery vere I vent, - My batients vas oxhorseted,-- - Dey vas not vort a cendt. - - Und I vent und seed vone men, - He vas briefing hees preath lasht; - I doght de gwicker I got dot, - De sooner it vas kashed. - - So I showed de men hees node, - Und I dold heem do pay; - Hees dime vas shoost up, - Dot vos hees lasht tay. - - Hees hands vas in each bocked, - Und dots vy I doght so sdrange; - He died--und hees lasht vords vas, - "I don'd veel ainy shange." - - Und vone sed do me, "Doketor, - Howefer can I pay? - You know dot I'm not aple-- - I'm _vailing_ afery tay." - - Und anoder vailer dold me, - "Shoost valk you ride avay; - You got dot oll vat's due you - Ven comes de shoodgment-tay." - - I eshked vone men vor hees sheck, - Id vas yoost pefore hees deadth; - But I vound he hadn't no dime, - He vas drawing hees lasht breadth. - - Und I found _dish vash_ de drubble-- - Een my kase ainy vay-- - De beeple vot I doketored - Heddent _cents_ enoff to bay. - - You'f hurt dot goot old sayink, - Verein dot goot pook says-- - I dink id combs out desewise-- - "Soam rools ken vork bote vays." - - Und so it ess mit de doketor; - Of he eshkt a man to bay, - Und he tails him, "I ken't do id," - Hees shoor to die dot day. - - I vent beck to my offus, - Veeling dired dru und dru; - Und togedder mit dese drubble - I vash med and shleeby doo. - - I lade down on de sofy, - Und dried to haive a shnooze; - Bud een a doketors' offus, - Dot didn't vas no youse. - - I hurt soam kolling, "Doketor!" - Und I run ub do my shbout, - Und dese vords vent his ears down: - "_Vat's de metter mit your mout?_" - - Und den dot failer holleret,-- - Hees woice vas shdrong und glear, - Und dese vords vent de shpout oop,-- - "Dooce Dr. Sholtz leve hier?" - - Und gwickly beck my an-swear - Dot shbout vas goin dro: - "Dr. Sholtz, dot vas my name, sir, - Vat vood you hev me doo?" - - "Now let me eshk you doketor; - You shoore I'fe got dot righd? - Ish your name _Dr. Vriederick Sholtz_?" - Hee yelt mit oll hees mighd. - - I doght dot men was crazy-- - Oar meppy he vas dight. - I sed, "Yaas--'tvas Doketor Vriederick Sholtz, - Vat you vant dese dime off nighd?" - - Und I vas zo oxtonished, - Bud de naixt dings vat I hear, - Ven dot failer dold me, "Doketor, - How long hev you leefed hier?" - - Un den I vas oxcited, - I felt yooust like a row; - I sed, "I'fe leefed hier dwendy years: - Vat you vant, ainyhow?" - - Dot men he vas a villane, - Und dot's yoost vat I kin brove; - He singed oud to me lowdly, - "Vat's de reason you dond moofe?" - - I run down dru de shdairvay, - Und oud into de shdreed; - Bud I only hurt de bavemends - Klattering fashd agenshd hees feed. - - I reely dink sooch ekshuns - Shoot not be oferlooked; - Of I kood kaitch dot failer-- - Py cosh, hees coose vas kooked! - - Now I vood say doo de doketors, - Yoost pefore id vas doo late, - Dond naifer loose your batients, - Und you'll suckseed fushtrate. - - No metter vots de reason, - You naifer shood get vexed; - You may loose your bay in dese vorldt, - Bud you'll get id in de next. - - GEORGE M. WARREN. - - - - -CHARLIE MACHREE. - - - Come over, come over the river to me, - If ye are my laddie, bold Charlie Machree! - Here's Mary McPherson and Susy O'Linn, - Who say ye're faint-hearted, and dare not plunge in. - But the dark, rolling river, though deep as the sea, - I know cannot scare you, nor keep you from me; - For stout is your back, and strong is your arm, - And the heart in your bosom is faithful and warm. - Come over, come over the river to me, - If ye are my laddie, bold Charlie Machree! - I see him! I see him! He's plunged in the tide! - His strong arms are dashing the big waves aside. - Oh! the dark, rolling water shoots swift as the sea, - But blithe is the glance of his bonnie blue e'e; - His cheeks are like roses, twa buds on a bough,-- - Who says ye're faint-hearted, my brave laddie, now? - Ho, ho! foaming river, ye may roar as ye go; - But ye canna bear Charlie to the dark loch below. - Come over, come over the river to me, - My true-hearted laddie, _my_ Charlie Machree! - He's sinking! he's sinking! Oh, what shall I do! - Strike out, Charlie, boldly, ten strokes, and ye're through. - He's sinking, oh, Heaven! Ne'er fear, man, ne'er fear: - I've a kiss for ye, Charlie, as soon as ye're here! - He rises: I see him--five strokes, Charlie, mair-- - He's shaking the wet from his bonnie brown hair; - He conquers the current, he gains on the sea. - Ho, where is the swimmer like Charlie Machree! - Come over the river, but once come to me, - And I'll love ye forever, dear Charlie Machree! - He's sinking! he's gone! O God! it is I, - It is I who have killed him! Help! help!--he must die. - Help! help! Ah! he rises! Strike out, and ye're free! - Ho, bravely done, Charlie, once more, now, for me! - Now cling to the rock, now give me your hand,-- - Ye're safe, dearest Charlie, ye're safe on the land! - Come rest on my bosom, if there ye can sleep: - I canna speak to ye; I only can weep. - Ye've crossed the wild river, ye've risked all for me, - And I'll part frae ye never, dear Charlie Machree! - - WILLIAM J. HOPPIN. - - - - -A DUTCHMAN'S DOLLY VARDEN. - - -Vell, mine freund, you know dat I hav on my het dat leedle bump der -frenollogiggers say dat I hav great like for de ladies, aind it? Vell, -I vas goin' down de shtreet der tay after yesterday, und ven I comes to -der blace vat dey calls der corner, so der shtreet mit anoder shtreet -makes a nice leetle cross oder der leetle saw-buck, you know vat dat -is? So soon I comes to der blace, vot you tink? A nice leetle poy mit -great many papers in der hand goes by, and shust so soon as he goes by -he gifs me von leetle paper mitout notings. But it vas padder as vorse -vot I took dot leetle paper, and den I goes and makes me von mineself -von great pig fool. Vat you tink I on dot paper find,--you no guess dot -in twelve tousand year. I dell you vot I see on dot. It vas like diss: -"Come und see your Dolly Varden. She is lovely; she is putiful; she is -rich! You can she hav for most notings." Den der leetle paper gives der -number von der shtreet vare I could she find. It vas said Mr. Shteward, -py Proatvay oud. So soon I reads dot petter as goot, mine heart makes -me von pitty-pat, knock-knock. You know vat dat is. I no more knows -vare I lif, oder var I vas goin'. Dolly Varden! She vas rich; she vas -lovely; she vas putiful; und Dolly, dot vas shust so nice names, aind -it? Und der leetle poy dat me dot paper gives, made he on dot paper say -dot I can she hav for most notings. Der firsht ding vot mine eye come -against vas von dose leetle shticks mit der great American flag round -him, vot says dot dere viskers be taken off dere, und der hair be so -bright and shining made, also der placking boots. Denn I goes right -dere, und I pays dot man fifteen cent--fifteen cent! mind you dot! vile -dot he make mine hair der vay vot I shpeak von. Den, mit mine het up, -feeling dot I shust so pig as Carl Schurz, I goes after der shtreet for -to git me mine Dolly Varden. I vonders so soon I comes to der blace und -sees der pig shtore shop of Mister Shteward, vedder or not she owns all -dot nice buildings. Anoder leetle poy opens dot door so nicely, unt -he looks me in der face so shmilings dot I tinks praps it vos Dolly's -brudder; und mine heart he goes so hot like fire; most like der pig, -plazing Shecawgo fire. Und I says to der poy, so shweet I could, you -know, "You hav der sister here, aint it?" Denn der poy he look me mit -vonder, und he make dot het go so, like dot. I shpeaks no more mit -der poy, but I goes to der shtand, vare I sees von fine gentleman, und -I says, "I vould dot young lady see, vot der leetle poy givs me paper -von."--"Vot is dot?" says der shentlemans. Denn I says, "I vants mine -Dolly Varden!" Und der man says, "Dolly Varden! come dis vay ven you -blease." Und I follows dot man mit mine heart full von great tremblings -unt joy put togedder, shust like der apple und meat in der mince-pie. -Put vat is dot he do now? He go und show me a leetle piece von cloth, -mit great many putiful color. Denn I say, "You nixverstay me. I no vant -to see her dress. I vould see Dolly Varden she self." Dere goes more -vunder donn der poy hat over der face von der shentlemans, und he say, -"Dis is Dolly Varden." Denn I say, "Dolly Varden! Dolly Varden! Oh! I -no vant such voomans as dot." Und mine mind runs vay mit mine het, unt -mine het runs vay mit mine bodies, und mine bodies runs vay mit mine -feet, und der shtore is vay on der odder side von me. Und ven I see -again on der shtreet dot leetle poy I vould him pants make varm for dot -he gif me so much heart-ache. - -Und denn ven I tinks on vot I pees und vat I used to vas, I feels -I trow fifteen cent avay mitout sufficient cause. Den I feels mit -mineselfs so mad to trow avays fifteen cents--tree glass lager--for -notinks, dat I go very queeck and trown mineself in de try-tock, till I -vas vashit ashore mit a bar of soft-soap. - - ANONYMOUS. - - - - -THE FRENCHMAN AND THE FLEA-POWDER. - -A FAVORITE COMIC RECITATION. - - - A Frenchman once--so runs a certain ditty-- - Had crossed the Straits to famous London city - To get a living by the arts of France, - And teach his neighbor, rough John Bull, to dance. - But, lacking pupils, vain was all his skill: - His fortunes sank from low to lower still. - Until at last,--pathetic to relate,-- - Poor monsieur landed at starvation's gate. - Standing one day beside a cook-shop door, - And gazing in, with aggravation sore, - He mused within himself what he should do - To fill his empty maw, and pocket too. - By nature shrewd, he soon contrived a plan, - And thus to execute it straight began. - A piece of common brick he quickly found, - And with a harder stone to powder ground; - Then wrapped the dust in many a dainty piece - Of paper, labelled "Poison for de Fleas," - And sallied forth, his roguish trick to try, - To show his treasures, and to see who'd buy. - From street to street he cried with lusty yell, - "Here's grand and sovereign _flea-poudare_ to sell!" - And fickle Fortune seemed to smile at last, - For soon a woman hailed him as he passed; - Struck a quick bargain with him for the lot, - And made him five crowns richer on the spot. - Our wight, encouraged by this ready sale, - Went into business on a larger scale; - And soon, throughout all London, scattered he - The "only genuine poudare for de flea." - Engaged one morning in his new vocation - Of mingled boasting and dissimulation, - He thought he heard himself in anger called; - And, sure enough, the self-same woman bawled-- - In not a mild or very tender mood-- - From the same window where before she stood. - "Hey, there," said she, "you Monsher Powder-man! - Escape my clutches now, sir, if you can. - I'll let you dirty, thieving Frenchmen know - That decent people won't be cheated so." - Then spoke monsieur, and heaved a saintly sigh, - With humble attitude and tearful eye: - "Ah, madame! s'il vous plait, attendez vous, - I vill dis leetle ting _explain_ to you. - My poudare gran'! magnifique! why abuse him? - Aha! I show you _how to use him_, - First, you must wait until you _catch de flea_; - Den tickle he on de petite rib, you see; - And when he laugh--aha! he ope his throat; - Den _poke de poudare down_!--BEGAR! HE CHOKE." - - - - -THE FRENCHMAN AND THE SHEEP'S TROTTERS. - -A CELEBRATED COMIC RECITATION. - - - A monsieur from the Gallic shore, - Who, though not over-rich, wished to appear so, - Came over in a ship with friends a score-- - Poor emigrants, whose wealth, good lack! - Dwelt only on their ragged backs-- - Who thought him rich: they'd heard _him_ oft declare so, - For he was proud as Satan's self, - And often bragged about his pelf; - And as a proof--the least - That he could give--he promised when on land, - At the first inn, in style so grand, - To give _a feast_! - The Frenchmen jumped at such an offer. - Monsieur did not forget his proffer; - But at the first hotel on shore, - They stopped to lodge and board. - The Frenchman ordered in his way - A dinner to be done that day; - But here occurred a grievous bore:-- - Monsieur of English knew but little. - Tapps of French knew not a tittle. - In ordering dinner, therefore, 'tis no wonder - That they should make a blunder. - Whether the landlord knew, or no, - The sequel of my tale will show. - He blundered, and it cannot be denied, - To some small disadvantage on his side. - The order seemed immense to Boniface: - But more the expense, to him the greater fun; - For all that from the order he could trace, - Was,--"Messieur Bull, you lettee me have, I say, - Vich for vid cash, I sal you pay, - _Fifteen of those vid vich the sheep do run_!" - From which old Tapps could only understand - (But whether right or wrong, cared not a button), - That what monsieur desired, with air so grand, - _Was fifteen legs of mutton_! - "A dinner most enormous!" cried the elf. - "Zounds! each must eat a leg, near, to himself!" - However, they seemed a set of hungry curs; - And so, without more bother or demurs, - Tapps to his cook his orders soon expressed, - And fifteen legs of mutton quick were dressed. - And now around the table all elate, - The Frenchman's friends the dinner doth await. - Joy sparkled in each hungry urchin's eyes, - When they beheld, with glad surprise, - Tapps quick appear with leg of mutton hot, - Smoking, and just ejected from the pot! - Laughed, stared, and chuckled more and more, - When _two_ they saw, then _three_, then _four_! - And then a _fifth_ their eager glances blessed, - And then a _sixth_, larger than all the rest! - But soon the Frenchman's countenance did change, - To see the legs of mutton on the table. - Surprise and rage by turns - In his face burns, - While Tapps the table did arrange - As nice as he was able. - And while the Frenchmen for the feast prepared, - Thus, in a voice that quite the landlord scared, - Our hero said,-- - "Mon Dieu, monsieur! vy for you make - Dis vera great blundare and mistake? - Vy for you bring to me dese mouton legs?" - Tapps with a bow his pardon begs:-- - "I've done as you have ordered, sir," said he. - "Did you not order _fifteen legs_ of me? - _Six_ of which before your eyes appear, - And _nine besides_ are nearly done down-stair! - Here, John!"--"Go, hang you, Jean! you fool! you ass! - You one great clown to bring me to dis pass: - Take vay dis meat, for vich I sall no pay. - I did no order dat."--"What's that you say?" - Tapps answered with a frown and with a stare, - "You ordered fifteen legs of me, I'll swear, - Or _fifteen things with which the sheep do run_, - Which _means the same_:--I'm not so easy done." - "Parbleu, monsieur! vy you no comprehend? - You may take back de legs unto de pot: - I telle you, sare, 'tis not de legs I vant, - But _dese here leetel tings vid vich de sheep do trot_!" - "Why, hang it!" cried the landlord in a rage, - Which monsieur vainly tried to assuage, - "Hang it!" said he, as to the door he totters: - "Now, after all the trouble that I took, - These legs of mutton both to buy and cook, - It seems instead of _fifteen legs, - You merely wanted fifteen poor sheep's trotters_!" - - - - -I VANT TO FLY. - -A HUMOROUS RECITATION.--FRENCH DIALECT. - - -Shortly before the conclusion of the war with Napoleon, there were a -number of French officers in an inland town on their parole of honor. -Now, one gentleman being tired with the usual routine of eating, -drinking, gambling, smoking, etc., therefore, in order to amuse himself -otherwise, resolved to go a-fishing. His host supplied him with rod -and line, but, being in want of artificial flies, he went in search -of a fishing-tackle maker's shop. Having found one, kept by a plain, -painstaking John Bull, our Frenchman entered, and with a bow, a cringe, -and a shrug of the shoulders, thus began:-- - -"Ah, Monsieur Anglais! comment vous portez-vous?" - -"Eh! that's French," exclaimed the shopkeeper; "not that I understand -it, but I'm very well, if that's what you mean." - -"Bon, bon, ver good; den, sare, I sall tell you, I vant deux fly." - -"I dare say you do, mounseer," replied the Englishman, "and so do a -great many more of your outlandish gentry; but I'm a true-born Briton, -and can never consent to assist the enemies of my country to leave it, -particularly when they cost us so much to bring them here." - -"Ah, monsieur, you no comprehend! I shall repeate, I vant deux fly, on -the top of de vater." - -"Oh! what, you want to fly by water, do you? then I'm sure I can't -assist you; for we are at least a hundred miles from the seacoast, and -our canal is not navigable above ten or twelve miles from here." - -"Diable! sare, you are un stup of the block. I sall tell you once seven -times over again--I vant deux fly on the top of de vater, to dingle -dangle at the end of de long pole." - -"Ay, ay! you only fly, mounseer, by land or water, and if they catch -you, I'll be hanged if they won't dingle dangle you, as you call it, at -the end of a long pole." - -"Sacre un de Dieu! la blas! vat you mean by dat, enfer diable? you are -un bandit jack of de ass, Johnny de Bull. Ba, ba, you are effrontee, -and I disgrace me to parley vid you! I tell you, sare, dat I vant deux -fly on the top of de vater, to dingle dangle at the end of the long -pole, to la trap poisson." - -"What's that you say, you French mounseer--you'll lay a trap to poison -me and all my family, because I won't assist you to escape? why, the -like was never heard. Here, Betty, go for the constable." - -The constable soon arrived, who happened to be as ignorant as the -shopkeeper; and of course, it was not expected that a constable should -be a scholar. Thus the man of office began:-- - -"What's all this? Betty has been telling me that this here outlandish -Frenchman is going to poison you and all your family! Ay, ay, I -should like to catch him at it, that's all! Come, come to prison, you -delinquent." - -"No, sare, I sall not go to de prison; take me before de what you call -it--de ting that nibble de grass?" - -"Nibble grass? You mean sheep?" - -"No, I mean de--de"-- - -"Oh, you mean the cow!" - -"No, sare, not de cow; you stup Johnny bÅ“uf--I mean de cheval, vat you -ride. [Imitating.] Come, sare, gee up. Ah, ha!" - -"Oh, now I know! you mean a horse." - -"No, sare, I mean de horse's vife." - -"What, the mare?" - -"Oui, bon, yes, sare; take me to de mayor." - -This request was complied with; and the French officer soon stood -before the English magistrate, who, by chance, happened to be better -informed than his neighbors, and thus explained the dilemma of the -unfortunate Frenchman, to the satisfaction of all parties:-- - -"You have mistaken the intention of this honest gentleman: he did not -want to fly the country, but to go a-fishing, and for that purpose -went to your shop to purchase two flies, by way of bait, or, as he -expressed it, to la trap la poisson. Poisson, in French, is fish." - -"Why, ay," replied the shopkeeper, "that may be true, you are a -scholard, and so you know better than I. Poison: in French, may be very -good fish, but give me good old English roast beef." - - - - -THE FRENCHMAN'S MISTAKE. - -FRENCH DIALECT RECITATION. - - -Not long since, a sober, middle-aged gentleman was quietly dozing in -one of our railroad-trains, when his pleasant, drowsy meditations were -suddenly interrupted by the sharp voice of the individual by his side. -This was no less a personage than a dandified, hot-blooded, inquisitive -Frenchman, who raised his hairy visage close to that of the gentleman -he addressed. - -"Pardonnez, sare; but vat you do viz ze pictair--_hein_?" - -As he spoke, monsieur pointed to some beautiful steel-plate engravings -in frames, which the quiet gentleman held in his lap, and which suited -the fancy of the little French connoisseur precisely. - -The quiet gentleman looked at the inquisitive foreigner with a scowl -which he meant to be very forbidding, and made no reply. The Frenchman, -nothing daunted, once more approached his hairy visage into that of his -companion, and repeated the question:-- - -"Vat you do viz ze pictair--_hein_?" - -"I am taking them to Salem," replied the quiet gentleman gruffly. - -"Ha! you take 'em to sell 'em!" chimed in the shrill voice of the -Frenchman. "I be glad of zat, by gar! I like ze pictair. I buy 'em of -you, sare. Mow much you ask?" - -"They are not for sale," replied the sleepy gentleman, more thoroughly -awake, by the by, and not a little irritated. - -"_Hein_?" grunted monsieur in astonishment. "Vat you say, sare?" - -"I say I don't want to sell the pictures!" cried the other, at the top -of his voice. - -"By gar! _c'est drole_!" exclaimed the Frenchman, his eye beginning to -flash with passion. "It is one strange circumstance, _parbleu_! I ask -you vat you do viz ze pictair, and you say you take 'em to sell 'em, -and zen you vill not sell 'em! Vat you mean, sare--_hein_?" - -"I mean what I say," replied the other sharply. "I don't want to sell -the engravings, and I didn't say I did." - -"_Morbleu!_" sputtered monsieur, in a tone loud enough to attract -the attention of those of his fellow-travellers who were not already -listening; "_morbleu_! you mean to say I 'ave not any ear? _Non_, -monsieur, by gar I hear ver' well vat you tell me. You say you sell ze -pictair. Is it because I one Frenchman, zat you will not sell me ze -pictair?" - -The irritated gentleman, hoping to rid himself of the annoyance, turned -his back upon his assailant, and made no reply. - -But monsieur was not to be put off thus. He laid his hand on the -shoulder of the other, and, showing his small white teeth, exclaimed,-- - -"_Sacristie!_ monsieur, zis is too muche. You've give me one insult, -and I shall 'ave satisfaction." Still no reply. "By gar, monsieur," -continued the Frenchman, "you are not one gentleman. I shall call you -one _poltroon_--vat you call 'em?--coward!" - -"What do you mean?" retorted the other, afraid the affair was beginning -to get serious. "I haven't insulted you, sir." - -"Pardonnez, monsieur; but it is one grand insult! In America, perhaps -not; but in France, one blow your brains out." - -"For what, pray?" - -"For vat? _Parbleu!_ you call me one _menteur_--how you speak -'em--liar? you call me one liar? you call me one liar?" - -"Oh, no, sir! You misunderstood"-- - -"No, by gar! I've got ears. You say you vill sell ze pictair; and ven I -tell you vat you say, you say ze contrarie--zat is not so!" - -"But I didn't tell you I would sell the pictures," remonstrated the -man with the engravings, beginning to feel alarmed at the passion -manifested by the other. "You misunderstood"-- - -"I tell you no! It is not posseebl'! Ven I ask you vat you do viz ze -pictair, vat you say?" - -"I said I was taking them to Salem." - -"Yes, _parbleu_!" exclaimed monsieur, more angry than ever: "you say -you take 'em to sell 'em"-- - -"No, no!" interrupted the other, "not to _sell them_, but _Salem_--the -city of Salem." - -"Ze city of Sell 'em!" exclaimed the Frenchman, amid the roars of -laughter that greeted his ears. "_Sacristie!_ Zat is one grand mistake. -Pardon, monsieur! _Que je suis bête!_ Ze city of Sell 'em? Ha, ha! -I vill remember zat, by gar!" And he stroked his mustache with his -fingers, while the man with the engravings once more gave way to his -drowsy inclinations. - - - - -"TWO TOLLAR?" - - -[From the Detroit Free Press.] - -There was a slight blaze on the roof of a house on Russell Street a -few days ago; and when the insurance adjusters went up to make their -survey, they found that about two dollars would cover all the loss. - -"Two tollar!" exclaimed the owner when he heard the decision--"I can't -take no two tollar." - -"But you see for yourself that a dozen shingles and an hour's work will -make good all damages." - -"Gentlemens, you doan' put me off like dot. Vhen my vhife finds dot ve -vhas on fire, she screams boleece und murder, und falls down-shtairs. -Vould you let your vhife fall down-shtairs for dot sum? If so, I goes -home mit you und sees der fun." - -"We do not insure husbands and wives, but buildings," was the reply. - -"I know; but mein oldest poy, he runs for der fire-box, und falls a -picket-fence-oafer, und breaks his good clothes all to pieces. Two -tollar! Dot doan' bay me for goming oop here." - -"Yes, but we can only pay for actual damages." - -"Dot's all I vhant. Who stole my dog ven my house vhas on fire? Dot dog -ish gone, und he vhas ten tollar wort." - -"We didn't insure the dog." - -"Und maybe you don't insure dem poys who set on der fence und called -out, 'Dot ole Dutchman's red nose has set his house on fire!' Do you -oxpect I take such sass like dot for two tollar? Und vhen the firemens -come here dey break mein clothes-line down mit der ladders, und dey -spill wasser all oafer my carpets. Two tollar! Vhell, vhell! you go -right avhay from here, und I takes dot old insurance bolicy und steps -him into der mud!" - - - - -A FRENCHMAN ON MACBETH. - - -An enthusiastic French student of Shakspeare thus comments on the -tragedy of Macbeth:-- - -"Ah! your Mossieu' Shak-es-pier! He is -gr-r-aand--mysterieuse--sooblime! You 'ave reads ze Macabess--ze scene -of Mossieu' Macabess vis ze Vitch--eh? Superb sublimitee! W'en he say -to ze Vitch, 'Ar-r-roynt ye, Vitch!' she go away; but what she say -when she go away? She say she will do s'omesing dat aves got no naame! -Ah, ha! she say, 'I go, like ze r-r-aa-t vizout ze tail, but I'll do! -I'll do!' W'at she do? Ah, haviola le graand, mysterieuse Mossieu' -Shak-es-pier! She not say what she do!" - -This was "grand," to be sure; but the prowess of Macbeth, in his "bout" -with Macduff, awakens all the mercurial Frenchman's martial ardor:-- - -"Mossieu' Macabess, he see him come, clos' by: he say (proud -empressement), 'Come-o-o-n, Mossieu' Macduffs, and d----d be he who -first say enuffs!' Zen zey fi-i-ght-moche. Ah, ha! voila! Mossieu' -Macabess, vis his br-r-ight r-r-apier, 'pink' him, vat you call, in -his body. He 'ave gots mal d'estomac: he say, vis grand simplicite, -'Enoffs!' What for he say 'Enoffs'? 'Cause he got enoffs--plaanty: and -he expire r-right away, mediately, pretty quick! Ah, mes amis, Mossieu' -Shak-es-pier is rising man in La Belle France!" - - ANONYMOUS. - - - - -LIKE MOTHER USED TO MAKE. - - - "I was born in Indiany," said a stranger lank and slim, - As us fellers in the restaurant was kind o' guyin' him, - And Uncle Jake was slidin' him another pun'kin pie - And a extra cup o' coffee, with a twinkle in his eye,-- - "I was born in Indiany, more'n forty year ago; - And I hain't been back in twenty, and I'm workin' back'ards slow; - "But I've et in every restarunt 'twixt here and Santa Fee, - And I want to state, this coffee tastes like gittin' home to me! - "Pour us out another, daddy," says the feller, warmin' up, - A-speakin' 'crost a saucerful, as uncle tuck his cup. - "When I seed yer sign out yender," he went on to uncle Jake,-- - "'Come in and git some coffee like your mother used to make,'-- - I thought of my old mother and the Posey-county farm, - And me a little kid agin', a-hangin' on her arm; - And she set the pot a-bilin', broke the eggs, and poured 'em in"-- - And the feller kind o' halted with a trimble in his chin. - And uncle Jake he fetched the feller's coffee back, and stood - As solemn, for a minute, as a undertaker would. - - Then he sort o' turned, and tiptoed to'rds the kitchen-door; and next, - Here comes his old wife out with him, a-rubbin' of her specs; - And she rushes for the stranger, and she hollers out, "It's him! - Thank God, we've met him comin'! Don't you know your mother, Jim?" - And the feller, as he grabbed her, says, "You bet I hain't forgot." - But, wipin' of his eyes, says he, "Your coffee's mighty hot." - - _James Whitcomb Riley, in New-York Mercury._ - - - - -JOHN CHINAMAN'S PROTEST. - - - Melican man no wantee John Chinaman ally mo': - He no slay, "John, you velly good washee." - Not muchee: he slay, "John, I wipee flo' - Withee you if mo' comee this countlee." - What fo' - Melican man - No wantee - John Chinaman - Ally mo'? - - John Chinaman he no gettee dlunk heap: - He mind his own washee, washee, - Alle dayee long, and takee sleep, - Boil watel fo'--wat you call him?--oh, hashee! - What fo' - Melican man - No wantee - John Chinaman - Ally mo'? - - John Chinaman he no punchee head much; - He no, like Melican man, say "Hellee!" - He usee sloap, watel, sclubbin'-blush, - Ebly dayee to help fillee bellee. - What fo' - Melican man - No wantee - John Chinaman - Ally mo'? - - John Chinaman he vellee pool man; - He no have timee to fool away; - He workee allee dayee fast he can: - He no workee, he no gettee pay. - What fo' - Melican man - No wantee - John Chinaman - Ally mo'? - - John Chinaman no loafee lound the sleets; - He workee hald fo' makee livin': - He washee collals, shirtee, cuffee, sheets; - He do no beggin' or no t'iefin. - What fo' - Melican man - No wantee - John Chinaman - Ally mo'? - - John Chinaman he havee no votee: - Is that leason why he no wantee here? - He no go lound 'lection day, and shoutee, - Fightee evelybody smokee cigal, or dlink beer. - What fo' - Melican man - No wantee - John Chinaman - Ally mo'? - - M. F. D. - - - - -THE WHISTLER. - - - "You have heard,"--said a youth to his sweetheart, who stood - While he sat on a corn-sheaf, at daylight's decline,-- - "You have heard of the Danish boy's whistle of wood: - I wish that the Danish boy's whistle were mine." - - "And what would you do with it? Tell me," she said, - While an arch smile played over her beautiful face. - "I would blow it," he answered; "and then my fair maid - Would fly to my side, and would there take her place." - - "Is that all you wish for? Why, that may be yours - Without any magic!" the fair maiden cried: - "A favor so slight one's good-nature secures;" - And she playfully seated herself by his side. - - "I would blow it again," said the youth; "and the charm - Would work so, that not even modesty's check - Would be able to keep from my neck your white arm." - She smiled; and she laid her white arm round his neck. - - "Yet once more I would blow; and the music divine - Would bring me a third time an exquisite bliss,-- - You would lay your fair cheek to this brown one of mine: - And your lips, stealing past it, would give me a kiss." - - The maiden laughed out in her innocent glee,-- - "What a fool of yourself with the whistle you'd make! - For only consider how silly 'twould be - To sit there and whistle for what you might take." - - - - -MOTHER'S DOUGHNUTS. - - - EL DORADO, 1851. - - I've jest bin down ter Thompson's, boys, - 'N' feelin' kind o' blue, - I thought I'd look in at "The Ranch," - Ter find out what wuz new; - When I seen this sign a-hangin' - On a shanty by the lake: - "Here's whar yer gets yer doughnuts - Like yer mother used ter make." - - I've seen a grizzly show his teeth; - I've seen Kentucky Pete - Draw out his shooter, 'n' advise - A "tenderfoot" ter treat; - But nothin' ever tuk me down - 'N' made my benders shake, - Like that sign about the doughnuts - That my mother used ter make. - - A sort o' mist shut out the ranch; - 'N' standin' thar instead, - I seen an old white farmhouse, - With its doors all painted red. - A whiff came through the open door-- - Wuz I sleepin', or awake? - The smell wuz that of doughnuts - Like my mother used ter make. - - The bees wuz hummin' round the porch, - Whar honeysuckles grew; - A yellow dish of apple-sass - Wuz sittin' thar in view; - 'N' on the table, by the stove, - An old-time "johnny-cake," - 'N' a platter full of doughnuts - Like my mother used ter make. - - A patient form I seemed ter see, - In tidy dress of black: - I almost thought I heard the words, - "When will my boy come back?" - 'N' then--the old sign creaked; but now - It was the boss who spake: - "Here's whar yer gets yer doughnuts - Like yer mother used ter make." - - Well, boys, that kind o' broke me up; - 'N' ez I've struck pay gravel, - I ruther think I'll pack my kit, - Vamose the ranch, 'n' travel. - I'll make the old folks jubilant; - 'N' if I don't mistake, - I'll try some o' them doughnuts - Like my mother used ter make. - - _Charles Follen Adams._ - - - - -OVER THE LEFT. - - - Their deposits were _left over night_ in the bank,-- - In a bank without whisper of fault: - The amounts to their credit were placed on the books, - And were left over night in the vault. - - _To their credit_, I say it, the bank was locked tight, - Guarding thus against fire and theft; - A patrol on the walk, and a new 'lectric light, - Throwing beams to the _right_ and the _left_. - - * * * * * - - Just here the cashier he _left over night_, - Taking all but the house and the soil; - And the _long_ and the _short_ of the story is this,-- - He was _too long_ of stocks--_short_ of oil. - - A receiver was called, and he looked o'er the wreck, - And _received_ those who called--thus bereft. - "_Have you nothing left over?_" they timidly ask: - He answers, "_Yes, over the left_." - - _W. C. Dornin._ - - - - -A JOLLY FAT FRIAR. - - - A jolly fat friar loved liquor good store, - And he had drunk stoutly at supper; - He mounted his horse in the night at the door, - And he sat with his face at the crupper. - "Some rogue," quoth the friar, "quite dead to remorse, - Some thief, whom a halter will throttle, - Some scoundrel has cut off the head of my horse - While I was engaged at the bottle, - Which went gluggity, gluggity--glug--glug--glug." - - The tail of the steed pointed south on the dale, - 'Twas the friar's road home straight and level; - But when spurred a horse follows his nose, not his tail, - So he scampered due north like the devil. - "This new mode of docking," the friar then said, - "I perceive doesn't make a horse trot ill; - And 'tis cheap--for he never can eat off his head - While I am engaged at the bottle, - Which goes gluggity, gluggity--glug--glug--glug." - - The steed made a stop--in a pond he had got: - He was rather for drinking than grazing; - Quoth the friar, "'Tis strange, headless horses should trot; - But to drink with their tails is amazing!" - Turning round to see whence this phenomenon rose, - In the pond fell this son of a pottle. - Quoth he, "The head's found, for I'm under his nose; - I wish I were over a bottle, - Which goes gluggity, gluggity--glug--glug--glug." - - ANONYMOUS. - - - - -THE ENOCH OF CALAVERAS. - - - "Well, dog my cats! Say, stranger, - You must have travelled far! - Just flood your lower level - And light a fresh cigar. - Don't tell me in this weather! - You hoofed it all the way? - Well, slice my liver lengthwise! - Why, stranger, what's to pay? - - "Huntin' yer wife, you tell me: - Well, now dog-gone my skin! - She thought you dead and buried - And then bestowed her tin - Upon another fellow! - Just put it here, old pard! - Some fellows strike the soft things, - But you have hit it hard. - - "I'm right onto your feelin's, - I know how it would be, - If my own shrub slopped over - And got away from me. - Say, stranger; that old sage hen, - That's cookin' thar inside, - Is warranted the finest wool, - And just a square yard wide. - - "I wouldn't hurt yer, pardner, - But I tell _you_, no man - Was ever blessed as I am - With that old pelican. - It's goin' on some two year - Since she was j'ined to me, - She was a widder prior, - Her name was Sophy Lee-- - - "Good God! Old man, what's happened? - Her? She? Is that the one? - That's her? Your wife, you tell me? - Now reach down fer yer gun, - I never injured no man, - And no man me, but squealed, - And any one who takes her - Must do it d--d well heeled! - - "Listen? Surely. Certainly - I'll let you look at her. - Peek through the door, she's in thar, - Is that your furnitur'? - Speak, man, quick! You're mistaken! - No! Yours! You recognize - My wife, your wife the same one? - The man who says so, lies! - - "Don't mind what I say, pardner, - I'm not much on the gush, - But this thing comes down on me - Like fours upon a flush. - If that's your wife--hold--steady! - That bottle. Now, my coat, - She'll think me dead as you were. - My pipe. Thar. I'm afloat. - - "But let me leave a message. - No; tell her that I died, - No, no; not that way, either, - Just tell her that I cried. - It don't rain much. Now, pardner, - Be to her what I've been. - Or by the God that hates you, - You'll see me back again!" - - F. BRET HARTE. - - - - -CURLY-HEAD. - - - What are yer askin', stranger, about that lock o' har - That's kep' so nice and keerful in the family Bible thar? - Wal, then, I don't mind tellin', seein' as yer wants ter know. - It's from the head of our baby. Yes, that's him.--Stand up, Joe. - - Joe is our only baby, nigh on ter six foot tall; - And he'll be one-and-twenty comin' this next fall. - But he can't yet beat his daddy in the hay-field or the swales, - A-pitchin' on the wagon, or splittin' up the rails. - - For I was a famous chopper, jest eighteen year ago, - When this strange thing happened, that came to me and Joe. - Curly-head we called him then, sir--his hair is curly yet, - But them long silky ringlets I never shall forget. - - Them was tough times, stranger, when all around was new, - And all the kentry forests, with only "blazes" through. - We lived in the old log-house then, Sally and me and Joe, - In the old Black-river country, whar we made our clearin' show. - - Wal, one day I was choppin' nigh to our cabin door,-- - A day that I'll remember till kingdom come and more,-- - And Curly-head was playin' around among the chips; - A beauty, if I do say it, with rosy cheeks and lips. - - I don't know how it happened; but quicker'n I can tell, - Our Curly-head had stumbled, and lay thar whar he fell - On the log that I was choppin', with his yellow curls outspread; - And the heavy axe was fallin' right on his precious head; - - The next thing, I knew nothin', and all was dark around. - When I come to, I was lyin' stretched out thar on the ground; - And Curly-head was callin', "O daddy, don't do so!" - I caught him to my bosom, my own dear little Joe. - - All safe, sir. Not a sliver had touched his little head; - But one of his curls was lyin' thar on the log outspread. - It lay whar the axe was stickin', cut close by its sharpened edge; - And what then was my feelin's, per'aps, sir, you can jedge. - - I took the little ringlet, and pressed it to my lips; - Then I kneeled down and prayed, sir, right thar on the chips. - We put it in the Bible, whar I often read to Joe,-- - "The hairs of your head are numbered;" and, sir, I believe it's so. - - _B. S. Brooks._ - - - - -WARNING TO WOMAN. - - -"John," said Mrs. Sanscript to her husband one evening last week, -"I've been reading the paper."--"That's nothin'," grunted John: -"I've seen people before who read newspapers."--"Yes; but there are -several things in the paper I can't understand."--"Then don't read -'em."--"What do they mean by the strike, John? What is a strike, -anyhow?"--"A strike is where they have struck;" and Sanscript knocked -the ashes from his cigar. "I don't grasp your meaning exactly," said -Mrs. Sanscript, with a puzzled look. "Now, these strikers have stopped -all the railroad-trains in the country. Why did they do it?"--"To -prevent 'em from running."--"Yes, but why didn't they want trains -to run?"--"Because they wanted more money for running them."--"Do -they pay more for stopping trains than for running them?"--"No, you -stupid woman!"--"Then why in the world did they stop 'em? why didn't -they run more of 'em, or run 'em faster? Seems to me that would pay -better."--"Mary Ann, you will never surround the problem."--"Maybe -not, John. Some things are gotten up purposely to bother women. Now -here is a column headed 'Base-Ball.' What is base-ball, John?"--"Don't -you know what base-ball is? Happy woman! you have not lived in -vain."--"Here it says that 'The Hartfords could not collar Cumming's -curves.' What under the sun are Cumming's curves?"--"It's the way he -delivers the ball."--"Is the ball chained?"--"No, you booby!"--"Then -how does he deliver it?"--"I mean, pitches it."--"Oh! Now here it -says Jones muffed a ball after a hard run. What was a ball doing -after a hard run?"--"Hadn't you better confine your research to the -obituary and marriage columns, Mary, with an occasional advertisement -thrown in to vary the monotony?"--"Yes, but, John, I want to know! -There's Mrs. Racket, over the way, who goes to all the base-ball -games, and comes home to talk me blind about 'fly fouls,' 'base hits,' -'sky-scrapers,' and all those things. For heaven's sake, John, what -is a sky-scraper?"--"Compose yourself, old woman. You are treading on -dangerous ground; your feet are on slippery rocks, while raging billows -roll beneath."--"Mercy on me! What do you mean?"--"I mean, my dear -madam, that whenever a woman begins to pry about among three strikes, -fair balls, base hits, daisy cutters, home runs, and kindred subjects, -she's in danger of being lost."--"Well, I confess I'm completely lost -to know what this newspaper means when it says Addy stole a base, while -the spectators applauded. Have we come to such a pass that society -will applaud a theft? Why wasn't Addy arrested? Now here's Manning put -out by Start, assisted by Carey, and I can't see that he did any thing -wrong, either. Jemima Christopher! Here it says that Pike flew out. -I don't believe a word of it. I never saw a man fly yet, and I won't -believe it can be done till I see it with my own eyes. John, what makes -these newspaper men lie so horribly?" - -John was asleep; and Mrs. Sanscript turned gloomily, not to say -sceptically, to the letter-list for information. Newspapers were not -made for women. - - - - -AN EXCITING CONTEST. - - -We have doubts about the following story, which comes to us from the -interior; but the author is responsible for what he says, and his name -can be obtained upon application at this office. - -Last winter two of my neighbors, Mr. Miller and Mr. Grant, lost their -wives upon the same day; and both of the funerals took place three days -afterwards, the interments being made at the cemetery about the same -hour. As the two funeral parties were coming out of the burying-ground, -Miller met Grant; and, clasping each other's hand, they indulged in a -sympathetic squeeze, and the following conversation ensued:-- - -_Miller._ "I'm sorry for you. It's an unspeakable loss, isn't it?" - -_Grant._ "Awful! She was the best woman that ever lived." - -_Miller._ "She was, indeed. I never met her equal. She was a good wife -to me." - -_Grant._ "I was referring to my wife. There couldn't be two best, you -know." - -_Miller._ "Yes, I know. I know well enough that your wife couldn't hold -a candle to mine." - -_Grant._ "She couldn't, hey? Couldn't hold a candle! Why, she could -dance all round Mrs. Miller every day in the week, including Sundays, -and not half try! She was an unmitigated angel, take her any way you -would." - -_Miller._ "Oh! she was, was she? Well, I don't want to be personal; but -if I owned a cross-eyed angel with red hair and no teeth, and as bony -as an omnibus-horse, I'd kill her if she didn't die of her own accord. -Dance!--how could a woman dance that had feet like candle-boxes, and -lame at that?" - -_Grant._ "Better be cross-eyed than wear the kind of a red nose that -your wife flourished around this community. I bet it'll burn a hole -through the coffin-lid. And you pretend you're sorry she's gone. But -you can't impose on me: I know you're so glad you can hardly hold in. -She was the chuckle-headedest woman that ever disgraced a graveyard: -that's what _she_ was." - -_Miller._ "If you abuse my wife, I'll knock you down." - -_Grant._ "I'd like to see you try it." - -Then the two disconsolate widowers engaged in a hand-to-hand combat; -and, after tussling a while in the snow, the mourners pulled them -apart, just as Mr. Miller was about to insist upon his wife's virtues -by biting off Mr. Grant's nose. - -When they got home, Mr. Grant tied crape upon all his window-shutters -to show how deeply he mourned; and, as Miller knew that his grief for -Mrs. Miller was deeper, he not only decorated his shutters, but he -fixed five yards of black bombazine on the bell-pull, and dressed his -whole family in mourning. Then Grant determined that his duty to the -departed was not to let himself be beaten by a man who couldn't feel -any genuine sorrow: so he sewed a black flag on his lightning-rod, and -festooned the front of his house with black alpaca. - -Then Miller became excited; and he expressed his sense of bereavement -by painting his dwelling black, and by putting up a monument to Mrs. -Miller in his front-yard. Grant thereupon stained his yellow horse -with lampblack, tied crape to his cow's horn, daubed his dog with -ink, and began to wipe his nose on a black handkerchief. As soon as -Miller saw these proceedings, he spread a layer of charcoal all over -his front-yard, he assumed a black shirt, he corked the faces of his -family when they went to church, and he hired a colored man to stand on -his steps and cry for twelve hours every day. Just as Grant was about -to see this, and go it one better, he encountered Miss Lang, a young -lady from the city; and in a couple of weeks they were engaged. Then he -began to take in the evidences of his grief; and this made Miller so -mad, that he went around and proposed to Miss Jones, an old maid who -never had an offer before. She accepted him on the spot; and they were -married the day before Grant's wedding, which so disgusted him that he -would have given up Lang if she hadn't threatened him with a suit for -breach of promise. There is peace between the two families now; but, -when Mrs. Miller gets on the rampage sometimes, Mr. Miller mourns for -his first wife more than ever. - - - - -A LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. - - -Admiring my flowers, sir? P'raps you'd step inside the gate, and -walk round my little place? It ain't big, but there's plenty of -variety,--violets and cabbages, roses and artichokes. Any one that -didn't care for flowers 'ud be sure to find beauty in them young spring -onions. People's ideas differ very much, there ain't a doubt of it. One -man's very happy over a glass of whiskey and water, and another thinks -every thing 'ud go straight in this 'ere world if we all drank tea and -lemonade. And it's right enough: it keeps things even. We should have -the world a very one-sided affair if everybody pulled the same way. -Philosopher, am I? Well, I dunno. I've got a theory to be sure--every -one has nowadays; and mine is, that there is a joke to be found in -every mortal thing if only we look in the right place for it. But some -people don't know how to look for it. Why, sir, if you'll believe it, I -was talking to a man yesterday that couldn't see any thing to laugh at -in the naval demonstration. - -Am I independent? Well, I makes money by my fruit and vegetables, if -that's what you mean. But there's so many ways of being independent. -One man marries a woman with £20,000 a year, and calls that -independence. Another votes on the strongest side, and calls that being -independent. One takes up every new-fangled idea that comes out, and -says he's independent. Some calls impudence independence. There's not -a name as fits so many different articles. No! I've never bin married. -Somehow, I don't think married men see the fun in every thing same -as single ones. I don't mean to be disrespectful to the ladies, but -I do think they enjoy a good cry more than a good laugh. Was I ever -in love? and did I laugh then? Why, yes, never laughed heartier in my -life. It's a good many years ago now. I was living in lodgings down -Clerkenwell way, and the landlady's daughter was as pretty a creature -as ever you see, bright and cheery, like a robin, when first I knew -her. But, by and by, she grew pale and peaky,--used to go about the -house without singing, and had such big, sad-looking eyes. Her home -wasn't a particularly happy one, for her mother was a nagger. Perhaps -you've never come across a woman of that pertikler character. Well, -then, you should say double the prayers of ordinary people; for you've -much to be thankful for. I never looked at her without feeling that -her husband must have been very happy indeed when he got to heaven. I -sometimes think, sir, that women of this sort might be made use of, and -prisons, and all other kind of punishment, done away with: perhaps, -though, the lunatic asylums 'ud get too full. - -Well, I grew to be quite intimate with Bessie; and one evening, I don't -know how it was, she told me all her troubles. She was engaged to a -young man; and her mother wouldn't consent to them marrying, and was -always worrying her to break it off. I asked her if there were any -thing against him. Nothing, except that her mother had taken a dislike -to him: he wasn't very strong, but he was the best, cleverest, dearest -fellow that ever lived. All the time she was talking I felt a gnawing -sort of pain somewhere in my inside. First, I thought I must be hungry; -but, when I came to eat, all my food seemed to get in my throat, and -stick there. This won't do, old fellow, thinks I: there must be a joke -to be got out of it somewhere. So I set to consider; and there, clear -enough, it was. Why, the joke 'ud be to let Bessie marry her young -man, and see the pretty cheeks grow round and pink again. But how to -do it, there was the rub. I began to cultivate the old lady's society -with a view to finding out her weak point: for, being a woman, of -course she had a weak point; and, being a very ugly woman, what do you -think it was? Why, vanity, to be sure. I soon noticed a change in her. -She took her hair out of paper every day, instead of only on Sundays, -as she had been used to do; and she put on a clean cap sometimes, -and smirked whenever I passed her. Why, here's a bigger joke than I -bargained for, thinks I! While I've been studying the woman to find -out her weak point, she thinks I've been admiring her. But I soon saw -what use I could make of this. I went down into the kitchen when she -wasn't busy,--I knew it would be rather too hot other times,--and I got -talking about Bessie. "It's strange," I says, "that a fine-looking girl -like that shouldn't have a sweetheart. Things was different when you -was younger, I'll be bound." - -"As for that," says she, "Bessie has a sweetheart; but I don't approve -of him. He's not exactly the sort of man I expected for her." - -"But, lor'," I says, "you wouldn't go and keep that girl single! Think -what harm you may do yourself. You can't be so cruel as to give up -all idea of marrying agin! Why, you don't look forty." That wasn't -an untruth, for she looked fifty. She tossed her head, and told me -to go along. I didn't go along. I says, "There's no doubt lots of -young fellows 'ud be glad enough of a good-looking wife like you, but -mightn't care for a daughter as old as Miss Bessie." This seemed to -strike her very much. I followed it up, got talking to her day after -day, and always led the conversation to the same point. At last one day -when I came home from work, she says, "It's all settled. Bessie's going -to be married, and her Tom's coming here this evening." Then I went up -to my own room, and laughed till I cried. Presently I heard the little -girl run up-stairs as she hadn't run for many a long day, and I knew -she'd gone to put on a smart ribbon for Tom's sake. She tapped at my -door as she passed. Would I come down? somebody was there, and wanted -to know me. I called out that I was busy, and couldn't come; and she -went away. But after about an hour she came again. I was sitting in the -dark, thinking of a good many things; and before I had time to speak -she was down oh her knees beside me, and hiding her face. - -"You told me you were busy," she said; "and here you are all in the -dark and cold, and I can't bear any one to be dull or lonely to-night, -because I'm so very, very happy. And I know it's all through you. -Mother would never have given in of her own accord. You've always been -my friend when I wanted one very badly; and now you must be angry with -me, or you wouldn't stay away to-night. And you won't even speak to me. -Oh, whatever I've done to vex you, don't think of it any more!" - -She nestled up to me so close that her hair touched my coat-sleeve, and -her pretty eyes looked up all swimming with tears. I ground my teeth, -and clinched my hands, or--or I don't know what I mightn't ha' done. -You see the joke of this, sir, don't you? Here was the girl crying, and -asking me to forgive her, and like her a little; and there was I--not -disliking her a bit all the time. Ha, ha, ha! I had a hearty laugh at -her, and hurried with her down-stairs, and was introduced to Tom, and -I talked to the old lady, and drank the young people's health, and was -as happy as possible. And on the wedding-day I gave her away as if I -had been her father; and I sang a song and danced: and, when the time -came for Bessie to go away with her husband, I dried her eyes; for at -the last moment the tender-hearted little thing broke down, and cried, -and kissed us all, and asked her mother not to feel angry with her for -leaving her all alone; and then the mother cried, and what with having -so many eyes to wipe, I found myself wiping my own just as if it all -weren't a tremendous joke. - -How have they got on since? 'Bout as well as most people, I suppose: -she loves him, and takes care of him. And the mother's softened down a -bit since she's bin a grandmother. And as to my godson, there never was -such a boy. I have him with me as much as possible, and he's beginning -to see the joke of every thing almost as much as I do myself. And when -I die, all this little place'll belong to him, and he'll be a rich man: -so my death'll be the biggest joke of all, you see, sir. - - - - -IN DER SHWEED LONG AGO. - - - In der shweed long ago I dinked I vas shmard, - Und I dinked I did vant me a vife - To share all my money und sorrows und joys, - Und to helb me along drough my life. - I vanted a lady kind-hearted und goot, - Dot vas handsome und sensiple doo, - Dot cood blay der biano or cook a beefshdeak, - Darn my shdockings or made me a shdew. - - She must nod be doo shmall-seized or neider doo dall, - Und she musn'd be old or doo young, - Und ven I vas shboking had visdom enuff - To alwoys kebd quied her tongue. - She musd nod be doo dark or agin be doo lighd-- - A kinder bedwixed und bedween; - She musd nod knew doo leedle, or vorse, knew it all, - Or be vat some beebles call "creen." - - She musd be good-nadured, vear always a shmile, - No madder of dings did vent wrong; - Ven my friends came around for to make me a call, - Be ready to sung dem a song. - Of der lodge bisness habben'd to kebd me oud lade, - Und I come valdzing home "dighdly-shlighd," - She musd pet und caress me, und dank her good shdars - Dot I didn'd shdaid apsend all nighd. - - In a vord, be berfecd--mind, feature, und form-- - From her feet to der crown of her head. - Now, dot vas der damsel dot I had in view, - Und der von I vas villing to ved. - Dot's a long dime ago, and my head dot vas pald, - And I vas a pachelor shdill. - My gal, I hafe nefer saw shkibbing round loose-- - Vat's more, I don'd dink dot I vill. - - OOFTY GOOFT. - - - - -DOT STUPPORN PONY. - - - I growt so ferry heffy - Dot too much de walkin' pe, - So I pyed me of von pony; - But dot pettler he sheat me. - Bote eyes of him was limpy, - Bote leeks of him vas plint; - But dot vot prake of me mine heart - Dot pony vas oonkint. - - He keeck shust like a chackess, - Oop, town, pefore, pehint; - Und how to cure dot pony - I rollt oop in my mint. - Dot sympathee vas nonsense, - Shust efery dinks he preak; - Vhen sutton coomt von grant itee, - I tole you how I make: - - I keetch him mit de shafters, - But--outsite in instet-- - His het oop py dot vagon, - His dail vere vos his het. - Den--one, doo, tree--I schlag him. - Ach, himmel! how he keeck! - But vhen he fints he noddings stroock, - He stop dot pooty queeck. - - Den looks he oop aschtountet, - Oxcited pooty pat; - Den sutten makes he backvarts, - Like as of he vas mat - I laugh as I vas tying - Vhen I see him go dat vay; - Den on his haunch he stoomples town, - As he vas going to bray. - - How schamt he look, vateffer! - I tole him vat I dinks; - Doo dears drop oud his eyepalls, - Mit grief his dail he vinks. - Arount all right I toorn him, - His het pefore him now, - Und streecks!--he trives as goot und kind - As he vas peen my frau! - - HARRY WOODSON. - - - - -SPOOPENDYKE OPENING OYSTERS. - - -"My dear," queried Mr. Spoopendyke, "did you put those oysters on the -cellar floor with the round shells down, as I told you to?" - -"I did most of 'em," replied Mrs. Spoopendyke. "Some of 'em wouldn't -stay that way. They turned right over." - -"Must have been extraordinary intelligent oysters," murmured Mr. -Spoopendyke, eying her with suspicion. "Didn't any of 'em stand up on -end, and ask for the morning paper, did they?" - -"You know what I mean," fluttered Mrs. Spoopendyke. "They tipped over -sideways, and so I laid them on the flat shell." - -"That's right," grunted Mr. Spoopendyke. "You want to give an oyster -his own way, or you'll hurt his feelings. Suppose you bring up some of -those gifted oysters, and an oyster-knife, and we'll eat 'em." - -Mrs. Spoopendyke hurried away, and pattered back with the feast duly -set out on a tea-waiter, which she placed before Mr. Spoopendyke with a -flourish. - -"Now," said she, drawing up her sewing-chair, and resting her elbows on -her knees, and her chin on her hands, "when you get all you want, you -may open me some." - -Mr. Spoopendyke whirled the knife around his head, and brought it down -with a sharp crack. Then he clipped away at the end a moment, and -jabbed at what he supposed was the opening. The knife slipped, and -ploughed the bark off his thumb. - -"Won't come open, won't ye?" he shouted, fetching it another lick, and -jabbing away again. "Haven't completed your census of who's out here -working at ye, have ye?" and he brought it another whack. "P'rhaps ye -think I haven't fully made up my mind to inquire within, don't ye?" -and he rammed the point of the knife at it, knocking the skin off his -knuckles. - -"That isn't the way to open an oyster," suggested Mrs. Spoopendyke. - -"Look here," roared Mr. Spoopendyke, turning fiercely on his wife. -"Have you got any private understanding with this oyster? Has the -oyster confided in you the particular way in which he wants to be -opened?" - -"No-o!" stammered Mrs. Spoopendyke. "Only I thought"-- - -"This is no time for thought!" shouted Mr. Spoopendyke, banging away -at the edge of the shell. "This is the moment for battle; and if I've -happened to catch this oyster during office hours, he's going to enter -into relations with the undersigned. Come out, will ye?" he yelled, as -the knife flew up his sleeve. "Maybe ye don't recognize the voice of -Spoopendyke. Come out, ye measly coward, before ye make an enemy of -me for life!" and he belted away at the shell with the handle of the -knife, and spattered mud like a dredging-machine. - -"Let me get you a hammer to crack him with," recommended Mrs. -Spoopendyke, hovering over her husband in great perturbation. - -"Don't want any hammer," howled Mr. Spoopendyke, slamming around with -his knife. "S'pose I'm going to use brute force on a measly fish that -I could swallow alive if I could only get him out of his house? Open -your measly premises!" raved Mr. Spoopendyke, stabbing at the oyster -vindictively, and slicing his shirt-sleeve clear to the elbow. "Come -forth, and enjoy the society of Spoopendyke!" And the worthy gentleman -foamed at the mouth, and he sunk back in his chair, and contemplated -his stubborn foe with glaring eyes. - -"I'll tell you what to do," exclaimed Mrs. Spoopendyke, radiant with a -profound idea. "Crack him in the door." - -"That's the scheme," grinned Mr. Spoopendyke, with horrible contortions -of visage. "Fetch me the door. Set that door right before me on a -plate. This oyster is going to stay here. If you think this oyster is -going to enjoy any change of climate until he strikes the tropics of -Spoopendyke, you don't know the domestic habits of shell-fish. Loose -your hold!" squealed Mr. Spoopendyke, returning to the charge, and -fetching the bivalve a prodigious whack. "Come into the outer world, -where all is gay and beautiful. Come out, and let me introduce you to -my wife." And Mr. Spoopendyke laid the oyster on the arm of his chair, -and slugged him remorselessly. - -"Wait," squealed Mrs. Spoopendyke: "here's one with his mouth open," -and she pointed cautiously at a gaping oyster, who had evidently taken -down the shutters to see what the row was about. - -"Don't care a measly nickel with a hole in it," protested Mr. -Spoopendyke, thoroughly impatient. "Here's one that's going to open -his mouth, or the resurrection will find him still wrestling with -the ostensible head of this family. Ow!" and Mr. Spoopendyke, having -rammed the knife into the palm of his hand, slammed the oyster against -the chimney-piece, where it was shattered, and danced around the room -wriggling with wrath and agony. - -"Never mind the oysters, dear," cried Mrs. Spoopendyke, following him -around, and trying to disengage his wounded hand from his armpit. - -"Who's minding 'em?" roared Mr. Spoopendyke, standing on one leg, and -bending up double. "I tell ye that when I start to inflict discipline -on a narrow-minded oyster that won't either accept an invitation or -send regrets, he's going to mind me! Where's the oyster? Show me the -oyster! Arraign the oyster!" - -"Upon my word, you've opened him," giggled Mrs. Spoopendyke, picking up -the smashed bivalve between the tips of her thumb and forefinger. - -"Won't have him," sniffed Mr. Spoopendyke, eying the broken shell, -and firing his defeated enemy into the grate. "If I can't go in the -front-door of an oyster, I'm not going down the scuttle. That all comes -of laying 'em on the flat shell," he continued, suddenly recollecting -that his wife was to blame for the whole business. "Now you take the -rest of 'em down, and lay 'em as I told you to." - -"Yes, dear." - -"And another time you want any oysters, you sit around in the cellar, -and when they open their mouths you put sticks in. You hear?" - -"Yes, dear." - -And Mrs. Spoopendyke took the bivalves back, resolving that the next -time they were in demand they would crawl out of their shells, and walk -up-stairs arm in arm, before she would have any hand in the mutilation -of her poor, dear, suffering husband by bringing them up herself. - - STANLEY HUNTLEY. - - - - -TO A FRIEND STUDYING GERMAN. - - - Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache? - Denn set it on your card, - Dat all de nouns have shenders, - Und de shenders all are hard; - Dere ish also dings called pronoms, - Vitch it's shoost ash vell to know; - Boot ach! de verbs, or timevords-- - Dey'll vork you bitter voe. - - Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache? - Den you allatag moost go - To sinfonies, sonatas, - Or an oritorio. - Vhen you dinks you knows 'pout musik - More ash any oder man, - Be sure de soul of Deutschland - Into your soul ish ran. - - Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache? - Dou moost eat apout a peck - A veek of stinging sauerkraut, - Und sefen pounds of speck, - Mit Gott knows vot in vinegar, - Und deuce knows vot in rum; - Dish ish de only cerdain way - To make de accents coom. - - Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache? - Brepare dein soul to shtand - Soosh sendences ash ne'er vas heardt - In any oder land. - Till dou canst make parenteses - Intwisted--ohne zahl-- - Dann wirst du erst Deutschfertig seyn; - For a languashe ideal. - - Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache? - Dou must mitout all fear - Trink efery tay an gallon dry - Of foamin' Sherman beer. - Und de more you trinks, pe certain - More Deutsche you'll surely pe; - For Gambrinus is de Emperor - Of de whole of Shermany. - - Vill'st dou learn de Deutsche Sprache? - Be sholly, brav, an' treu, - For dat veller is kein Deutscher - Who ish not a sholly poy, - Find out vot means Gemuthlichkeit, - Und do it mitout fail, - In Sang und Klang dein Lebenlang, - A brick--gans Kreuzfidel. - - Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache? - If a shendleman dou art, - Denn shtrike right indo Deutschland - Und get a schveetes heart, - From Schwabenland or Sachsen, - Vhere now dis writer pees; - Und de bretty girls all wachsen - Shoost like apples on de drees. - - Boot if dou bee'st a laty, - Denn, on de odder hand, - Take a blonde moustachiod lofer - In de vine green Sherman land, - Und if you shoost kit married - (Vood mit vood soon makes a vire), - You'll learn to sprechen Deutsch, mein Kind, - Ash fast as you tesire. - - CHARLES GODFREY LELAND. - - - - -TAMMY'S PRIZE. - - -"Awa' wi' ye, Tammy man, awa' wi' ye to the schule, aye standin' -haverin'," and the old shoemaker looked up through his tear-dimmed -spectacles at his son, who was standing with his cap on and his book in -his hand. - -Tammy made a move to the door. "An' is't the truth, Tammy? and does the -maister say't himsel'? Say't ower again." - -The boy turned back, and stood looking on the ground. - -"It wasna muckle he said, fayther. He just said, 'It'll be Tammy -Rutherford that'll get the prize i' the coontin.'" - -"He said you, did he?" said the old man, as if he had heard it for the -first time, and not for the hundredth. - -Again Tammy made a move for the door; and again the fond father would -have called him back, had not the schoolbell at that instant rung out -loud and clear. - -"Ay, ay!" said he to himself, after his son had gone, "a right likely -lad, and a credit to his fayther;" and he bent again to the shoe he was -working at, though he could scarcely see it for the tears that started -in his eyes. - -The satisfied smile had not worn off his face when the figure of -a stout woman appeared at the door. The shoemaker took off his -spectacles, and wiped them, and then turned to the new-comer. - -"A bra' day till ye, Mistress Knicht. An' hoo'll ye be keepin'?" - -"Oh! brawly, Maister Rutherford. It's the sheen I've come aboot for my -guidman; the auld anes are sare crackit." - -"Aweel, mistress, the new anes'll be deen the morn. Set yersel' doon;" -and, complying with this invitation, she sat down. "An' hoo's yere -Sandie gettin' on at the schule, Mistress Knicht?" - -"'Deed, noo ye speak on't, he's a sare loon; he'll niver look at's -lessons." - -"He winna be ha'in' ony o' the prizes, I'm thinkin' at that gate." - -"Na, na; he'll niver bother his heed aboot them. But he's sayin' yer -Tam'll ha'e the coontin' prize." - -"Ye _dinna_ say sae! Weel, that is news." And he looked up with -ill-concealed pride. "The lad was talkin' o't himsel'; but 'deed I -niver thocht on't. But there's nae sayin'." - -"Aweel, guid-day to ye; and I'll look in the morn for the sheen." - -"An' are they sayin' Tam'll ha'e a prize?" continued the old man. - -"Ay, ay; the laddie was sayin' sae." And she went away. - -The shoemaker seemed to have fallen on a pleasant train of thought; for -he smiled away to himself, and occasionally picked up a boot, which -he as soon let drop. Visions of Tammy's future greatness rose before -his mind. Perhaps of too slight a fabric were they built; but he saw -Tammy a great and honored man, and Tammy's father leaning on his son's -greatness.... - -"Presairve us a'! it's mair nor half-six!" (half-past five.) And he -started up from his revery. "Schule'll hae been oot an 'oor, an' the -laddie's no hame." And he got up, and moved towards the door. The sun -was just sinking behind the horizon, and the light was dim in the -village street. He put up his hand to his eyes, and peered down in the -direction of the school. - -"What in a' the world's airth's keepin' him?" he muttered; and then -turning round he stumbled through the darkness of his workshop to the -little room behind. He filled an antiquated kettle, and set it on the -fire. Then he went to the cupboard, and brought out half a loaf, some -cheese, a brown teapot, and a mysterious parcel. He placed these on the -table, and then gravely and carefully unrolled the little parcel, which -turned out to be tea. - -"Presairve us, I can niver min' whaur ye put the tea, or hoo muckle. -It's an awfu' waicht on the min' to make tea." - -His wife had died two years before; and his little son, with the -assistance of a kindly neighbor, had managed to cook their humble -meals. Porridge was their chief fare; but a cup of tea was taken as a -luxury every evening. - -"I'm jist some fear't about it. I'll waicht till Tammas comes in;" and -he went out again to the door to see what news there was of his son. - -The sun had completely disappeared now; and the village would have been -quite dark had it not been for the light in the grocer's window, a few -doors down. - -The shoemaker leaned against his cottage, and tried to see if any one -were in sight; but not a soul seemed about, although now and then a -sound of laughter was borne up the street. - -The door of his next neighbor's house was wide open. He looked in, -and saw a woman standing at the fire, superintending some cooking -operation, with her back to him. - -"Is yer Jim in, mistress?" - -"Na," she said, without turning her head. "He'll be doon at some o' his -plays. He's nae been in frae the schule yet." - -"It's the same wi' Tam. Losh! I'm wunnerin, what's keepin' him." - -"Keepin' him, say ye? What wad keep a laddie?" - -Half satisfied, the shoemaker went back to his house, and found the -kettle singing merrily on the fire. He felt a little anxious. The boy -was always home in good time. He crept round again to his neighbor's. - -"I'm gettin' fear't about him," he said: "he's niver been sae late's -this." - -"Hoot, awa' wi' ye! he'll be doon, maybe, at the bathin' wi' the lave, -but I'll gang doon the village wi' ye, an' we'll soon fin' the laddie." - -She hastily put her bonnet on her head, for the night air was cold, and -they both stood together outside the cottage. - -He clutched her arm. What was that? Through the still night air, along -the dark street, came the sound of muffled feet and hushed voices, as -of those who bore a burden. With blanched face the old man tried to -speak, but he could not. A fearful thought came upon him.... - -They are coming nearer. They are stopping and crowding together, and -whispering low. The two listeners crept up to them; and there in the -middle of the group lay Tammy dead--drowned. - -With a loud shriek, "Tammy, my Tammy!" the old man fell down beside the -body of his son. - -They carried both in together into the little room behind the shop, and -went out quietly, leaving one of their number who volunteered to stay -all night. - -The shoemaker soon revived. He sat down on one side of the fire, and -the man who watched with him sat on the other. The kettle was soon -on the fire, and he watched its steam rising with a half-interested -indifference. Then at times he would seem to remember that something -had happened; and he would creep to the side of the bed where the body -lay, and gaze on the straight, handsome features and the bloodless -cheeks, quiet and cold in death. "Tammy, my man; my ain Tammy, speak to -me ance--jist ance--I'm awfu' lonesome-like." Then the watcher would -lead him quietly to his seat by the fire; and there they sat the whole -night long, till the stir of the outer world aroused them.... - -The school is filled with happy, pleasant faces. The prize day has -come. There stands the minister, looking very important, and the -schoolmaster very excited. The prizes are all arranged on a table -before the minister, and the forms for the prize-winners are before the -table. And now every thing is ready. The minister begins by telling -the parents present how he has examined the school, and found the -children quite up to the mark; and then he addresses a few words to -the children, winding up his remarks by telling them how at school he -had thought that "multiplication is a vexation," &c., but that now he -found the use of it. And then the children laughed, for they heard the -same speech every year; but it made the excitement greater when they -had the prizes to look at, as they shone on the table in their gorgeous -gilding, during the speech. And now the schoolmaster is going to read -out the prize-winners, and the children are almost breathless with -excitement,--you might have heard a pin drop,--when from the end of the -room, a figure totters forward, the figure of an old man, white-headed, -and with a strange, glassy look in his eye. He advances to where the -children are sitting, and takes his place amongst them. Every one looks -compassionately towards him, and women are drying their eyes with their -aprons. The schoolmaster hesitates a moment, and looks at the minister. -The minister nods to him, and he begins the list. It is with almost a -saddened look that the children come to take their prizes, for they -think of the sharp, bright, active playmate who was so lately with -them; and they gaze timidly towards his father who sits in their midst. - -"Thomas Rutherford," reads out the master, "gained the prize for -arithmetic." - -"I'll tak' Tam's prize for him. The laddie's na weel. He's awa'. I'll -tak' it;" and the shoemaker moved hastily up to the table. - -The minister handed him the book; and, silently taking it, he made his -way to the door.... - -A quiet old man moves listlessly about the village. He does nothing, -but every one has a kind word for him. He never walks towards the -river, but shudders when its name is mentioned. He sits in his workshop -often, and looks up expectantly when he hears the joyous shout of the -boys as they come out of school, and then a look of pain flits across -his face. He has one treasure,--a book, which he keeps along with his -family Bible, and he is never tired of reading through his blurred -spectacles the words on the first page:-- - - BARNES SCHOOL. -FIRST CLASS. -PRIZE FOR ARITHMETIC -AWARDED TO - THOMAS RUTHERFORD. - - - - -THE SCOTCHMAN AT THE PLAY. - - -After paying our money at the door, never while I live and breathe will -I forget what we saw and heard that night. It just looks to me, by -all the world, when I think on it, like a fairy dream. The place was -crowded to the full; Maister Glen and me having nearly got our ribs -dung in before we found a seat, the folks behind being obliged to mount -the back benches to get a sight. Right to the forehand of us was a -large green curtain, some five or six ells wide, a good deal the worse -of the wear, having seen service through two-three summers: and just -in the front of it were eight or ten penny candles stuck in a board -fastened to the ground, to let us see the players' feet like, when they -came on the stage; and even before they came on the stage; for, the -curtain being scrimpit in length, we saw legs and sandals moving behind -the scenes very neatly; while two blind fiddlers they had brought with -them played the bonniest ye ever heard. 'Od! the very music was worth a -sixpence of itself. - -The place, as I said before, was choke-full, just to excess; so that -one could scarcely breathe. Indeed, I never saw any part so crowded, -not even at a tent-preaching when the Rev. Mr. Roarer was giving his -discourses on the building of Solomon's Temple. We were obligated to -have the windows opened for a mouthful of fresh air, the barn being -as close as a baker's oven, my neighbor and me fanning our red faces -with our hats to keep us cool; and, though all were half stewed, we -certainly had the worst of it, the toddy we had taken having fermented -the blood of our bodies into a perfect fever. - -Just at the time that the two blind fiddlers were playing the "Downfall -of Paris" a hand-bell rang, and up goes the green curtain; being hauled -to the ceiling, as I observed with the tail of my eye, by a birkie -at the side, that had hold of a rope. So, on the music stopping, and -all becoming as still as that you might have heard a pin fall, in -comes a decent old gentleman at his leisure, well powdered, with an -old-fashioned coat on, waistcoat with flap-pockets, brown breeches -with buckles at the knees, and silk stockings with red gushats on a -blue ground. I never saw a man in such distress: he stamped about, -and better stamped about, dadding the end of his staff on the ground, -and imploring all the powers of heaven and earth to help him to find -out his runaway daughter, that had decamped with some ne'er-do-weel -loon of a half-pay captain, that keppit her in his arms from her -bedroom-window, up two pair of stairs. - -Every father and head of a family must have felt for a man in his -situation, thus to be robbed of his dear bairn, and an only daughter -too, as he told us over and over again, as the salt, salt tears ran -gushing down his withered face, and he aye blew his nose on his clean -calendered pocket-napkin. But, ye know, the thing was absurd to suppose -that we should know any inkling about the matter, having never seen -him or his daughter between the een before, and not kenning them by -headmark: so, though we sympathized with him, as folks ought to do -with a fellow-creature in affliction, we thought it best to hold our -tongues, to see what might cast up better than he expected. So out he -went stumping at the other side, determined, he said, to find them out, -though he should follow them to the world's end, Johnny Groat's house, -or something to that effect. - -Hardly was his back turned, and almost before ye could cry Jack -Robison, in comes the birkie and the very young lady the old gentleman -described, arm-and-arm together, smoodging and laughing like daft. Dog -on it! it was a shameless piece of business. As true as death, before -all the crowd of folk, he put his arm round her waist, and called her -his sweetheart, and love, and dearie, and darling, and every thing that -is fine. If they had been courting in a close together on a Friday -night, they could not have said more to one another, or gone greater -lengths. I thought such shame to be an eye-witness to sic on-goings, -that I was obliged at last to hold up my hat before my face, and look -down; though, for all that, the young lad, to be such a blackguard as -his conduct showed, was well enough faured, and had a good coat to his -back, with double gilt buttons and fashionable lapels, to say little of -a very well-made pair of buckskins, a thought the worse of the wear, to -be sure, but which, if they had been well cleaned, would have looked -almost as good as new. How they had come we never could learn, as we -neither saw chaise nor gig; but, from his having spurs on his boots, -it is more than likely that they had lighted at the back-door of the -barn from a horse, she riding on a pad behind him, maybe, with her hand -round his waist. - -The father looked to be a rich old bool, both from his manner of -speaking, and the rewards he seemed to offer for the apprehension of -his daughter; but, to be sure, when so many of us were present that -had an equal right to the spullaie, it would not be a great deal, a -thousand pounds, when divided. Still it was worth the looking after: so -we just bidit a wee. - -Things were brought to a bearing, howsoever, sooner than either -themselves, I dare say, or anybody else present, seemed to have the -least glimpse of: for, just in the middle of their fine goings-on, the -sound of a coming foot was heard; and the lassie, taking guilt to her, -cried out, "Hide me, hide me, for the sake of goodness! for yonder -comes my old father!" - -No sooner said than done. In he stappit her into a closet; and, after -shutting the door on her, he sat down upon a chair, pretending to -be asleep, in the twinkling of a walking-stick. The old father came -bouncing in; and, seeing the fellow as sound as a top, he ran forward -and gave him such a shake as if he would have shooken him all sundry; -which soon made him open his eyes as fast as he had steeked them. -After blackguarding the chield at no allowance, cursing him up hill -and down dale, and calling him by every name but a gentleman, he held -his staff over his crown, and, gripping him by the cuff of the neck, -asked him, in a fierce tone, what he had made of his daughter. Never -since I was born did I ever see such brazen-faced impudence! The rascal -had the brass to say at once, that he had not seen word or wittens of -the lassie for a month, though more than a hundred folk sitting in -his company had beheld him dauting her with his arm round her jimpy -waist not five minutes before. As a man, as a father, as an elder of -our kirk, my corruption was raised; for I aye hated lying as a poor -cowardly sin, and an inbreak on the Ten Commandments; and I found my -neighbor, Mr. Glen, fidgeting on the seat as well as me. So I thought -that whoever spoke first would have the best right to be entitled to -the reward: whereupon, just as he was in the act of rising up, I took -the word out of his mouth, saying, "Dinna believe him, auld gentleman; -dinna believe him, friend: he's telling a parcel of lees. Never saw her -for a month! It's no worth arguing, or calling witnesses: just open -that press-door, and ye'll see whether I'm speaking truth or not!" - -The old man stared, and looked dumfoundered; and the young one, instead -of running forward with his double nieves to strike me, the only thing -I was feared for, began a-laughing, as if I had done him a good turn. -But never since I had a being did I ever witness such an uproar and -noise as immediately took place. The whole house was so glad that the -scoundrel had been exposed, that they set up siccan a roar of laughter, -and thumped away at siccan a rate at the boards with their feet, that -at long and last, with pushing and fidgeting, clapping their hands, -and holding their sides, down fell the place they call the gallery, -all the folk in't being hurled topsy-turvy, headforemost, among the -sawdust on the floor below; their guffawing soon being turned to -howling, each one crying louder than another at the top note of their -voices, "Murder! murder! hold off me! murder! my ribs are in! murder! -I'm killed! I'm speechless!" and other lamentations to that effect: -so that a rush to the door took place, in the which every thing was -overturned; the door-keeper being wheeled away like wildfire; the furms -stramped to pieces; the lights knocked out; and the two blind fiddlers -dung headforemost over the stage, the bass-fiddle cracking like thunder -at every bruise. Such tearing and swearing, and tumbling and squealing, -was never witnessed in the memory of man since the building of Babel; -legs being likely to be broken, sides staved in, eyes knocked out, -and lives lost,--there being only one door, and that a small one: so -that, when we had been earned off our feet that length, my wind was -fairly gone; and a sick dwalm came over me, lights of all manner of -colors, red, blue, green, and orange, dancing before me, that entirely -deprived me of common sense; till, on opening my eyes in the dark, I -found myself leaning with my broadside against the wall on the opposite -side of the close. It was some time before I minded what had happened: -so, dreading skaith, I found first the one arm, and then the other, to -see if they were broken; syne my head; and finally both of my legs; -but all, as well as I could discover, was skin-whole and scart-free. -On perceiving this, my joy was without bounds, having a great notion -that I had been killed on the spot. So I reached round my hand very -thankfully to take out my pocket-napkin, to give my brow a wipe, when, -lo and behold! the tail of my Sunday's coat was fairly off and away, -docked by the hainch buttons. - -So much for plays and play-actors,--the first and last, I trust in -grace, that I shall ever see. But indeed I could expect no better, -after the warning that Maister Wiggie had more than once given us from -the pulpit on the subject. Instead, therefore, of getting my grand -reward for finding the old man's daughter, the whole covey of them, -no better than a set of swindlers, took leg-bail, and made that very -night a moonlight flitting; and Johnny Hammer, honest man, that had -wrought from sunrise to sunset for two days, fitting up their place by -contract, instead of being well paid for his trouble, as he deserved, -got nothing left him but a ruckle of his own good deals, all dung to -shivers. - - - - -AN IRISH LOVE-LETTER. - - A SCENE FROM GEORGE M. BAKER'S NEW PLAY (FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS - ONLY) IN THREE ACTS, ENTITLED "REBECCA'S TRIUMPH." - - -_Characters_: KATY, _an Irish servant_, GYP, _a colored girl_; DORA, _a -young lady_. - - (_Enter_ KATY, _with a letter in her hand_.) - -KATY (_turning letter over and over_). An' sure I got a love-lether -frum Patsy; an' phat will I do wid it I dunno. I can't rade, and the -misthress is away wid the company girls. How will I find out phat's -inside it? It's bothered I am intirely. - - (_Enter from_ L., _through_ C. _door_, DORA.) - -DORA. Ah, Katy! Is it ther yees are? Where's Mrs. Delaine's shawl? I -see it. (_Goes towards window_ R.) - -KATY. If yees plase, Miss Dora, might I be after troubling yees? - -DORA (_comes down_). Certainly, Katy. What's the trouble? - -KATY. If yees plase, I have a lether. - -DORA. From the ould counthry? - -KATY. No, indade: it's from--it's from--sure you'll be afther laughin' -if I tole yees. - -DORA. Then you needn't tell me, Katy; I can guess. It's a love-letter. - -KATY. An' who towld yees that? - -DORA. Yourself, Katy, by the blushes on your cheeks and the sparkle in -your eyes. You want me to read it for you? - -KATY. If yees plase, Miss Dora. (_Hands letter._) - -DORA (_opening letter_). I shall learn all your secrets, Katy. Perhaps -the young man would not like that. - -KATY. Thin yees moight shkip the sacrets. - -DORA (_laughs_). All right, Katy. (_Reads._) "Lovely Katy." - -KATY. That's me. Sure that's no sacret. - -DORA (_reads_). "I take me pin in hand wid a bating heart, to till yees -uv the sthrong wakeniss I have for yees." - -KATY. Yees moight shkip that. - -DORA (_reads_). "I have nather ate, dhrunk, nor slipt, for a wake." - -KATY. Will, that jist accounts for the wakeniss. - -DORA (_reads_). "Barrin' my thray males a day, an 'me pipe an' -tobacyer." - -KATY. An' he wid the hearty appetite! - -DORA (_reads_). "An' all me slapeliss nights are fill wid drames of -yees, Katy mavourneen." - -KATY. Sure he's the darlin'. - -DORA (_reads_). "I have yees phortygraff nailed to the hid uv me bid; -and ivery night, afther I've blown out the candle wid me fingers, I tak -a good look at it, an' if ye'll belave me, there's not a dry thread in -me eyes." - -KATY. Sure he was alwus tinder-hearted. - -DORA (_reads_). "If yees don't belave me, tak a good look at yees own -face before yees open the lether, and see if I have not cause to wape." - -KATY. Sure I ought to have known that before the lether came. - -DORA (_reads_). "If yees foind these tinder loins blotted wid tears, -it's all owing to the bad quality uv the ink, which has compilled me to -pin this wid a pincil." - -KATY. That's no mather. - -DORA (_reads_). "If yees don't recave this lether, or can't rade -it, niver moind: ye'll know that all that's in it is the truth, an' -nades nather radin' or writin' to till the same. So name the day, -Katy darlin', whin me single blissidniss is to exphire, an' the -mathrimoonial noose shlipped over the hid of yees lovin' and consolin' - - PATSY DOLAN. - -"P.S.--These last lines are the poethry uv love. - -"SECOND P.S.--To be rid fhirst. I inclose a ring for yees finger, which -same yees will find in me nixt lether." That's all, Katy. (_Hands back -letter._) - -KATY. It's jist illigant. I'm obleeged to yees. - -DORA (_takes shawl from chair_). Quite welcome, Katy. When you get -ready to name the day, I'll answer it for you. But be quick, Katy; for -the poor fellow will not live long on "only his thray males a day, an' -his pipe an' tobacyer." (_Runs off_ C. _to_ L.) - -KATY (_looks at letter_). Sure it's a darlin' lether, an' Patsy Dolan's -a broth uv a bye. - -_Enter_ R., GYP. - -GYP. Ah, dar you is, Katy! Whar's de misses? Whar's Miss Becky? Whar's -eberybody? - -KATY. In the garden, sure. Yees may coom in, if yees wipe yers fate. - -GYP. Yas, indeed! How yer was? And how's Patsy Dolan? - -KATY. He's will. I've jist recaved a lether from him. - -GYP. Dat so? Dat's good! Lub-letters am bery consolin' to de flutterin' -heart. Got a letter, hab you? S'pose you red it frough and frough. - -KATY. Sure I can't rade at all, at all. - -GYP. Dat so? Well, well! De ignoramance ob de foreign poperlation am -distressin'. - -KATY. Can you rade? - -GYP. Read? What you take me for? How else could I debour de heaps and -heaps ob lub-letters dat I constantly receibe from my adorers? - -KATY (_Aside._) Faith, I'd loike to hear Patsy's lether again. -(_Aloud._) Thin plase rade this for me. (_Hands letter._) - -GYP (_confused_). Wh-wh-what you take me fur? (_Aside._) Golly! she -cotch me den. (_Aloud._) No, chile: dose tender confections am fur you -alone, and dey shouldn't be composed to de world. - -KATY. An' sure yees can't rade. - -GYP. What's that? Can't read? (_Takes letter, and turns it round -several times._) Berry long letter. Want to hear it all? - -KATY. Ivery word. - -GYP (_Aside._) Mussn't gib in. Spec dase all alike. (_Aloud._) Ob -course, ob course. (_Pretends to read._) "Lubliest ob your sexes." - -KATY. Sure that's not there. - -GYP (_shows letter_). See fur yerself, see fur yerself. - -KATY. Go on wid the lether. - -GYP. "Sublimest ob de fair sexes, dis am a whale ob tears. Dar ain't no -sunshine of moonshine widout you." - -KATY. That's not thrue at all, at all. - -GYP (_shows letter_). Read it yerself, read yerself. - -KATY. Go on wid the lether. - -GYP. "De moon on de lake am beamin', de lubly sunflower perfumeries in -de garden, de tuneful frogs meliferously warble in de riber, an' de -breezes blow fro' de treeses; but my lub, my lub, whar, oh, whar am -she?" - -KATY. I don't belave-- - -GYP (AS BEFORE). See fur yerself, see fur yerself! - -KATY. Oh, quit yees talkin' an' talkin'. Go on wid the lether. - - GYP. "My lub she isn't hansum, - My lub she isn't fair; - But to cook de beef and 'taters - Can't beat her anywhar." - -Dat's potry, Katy, dat is; alwus find lots ob dat in lub-letters: it -gibs dem a flabor. - -KATY. I don't belave it's there. - -GYP (_as before_). See fur yerself, see fur yerself! - -KATY. Go on wid the lether. - -GYP. Luf me see, wha was I? "Come rest on dis yere head your aching -breast." Dey all got dat, Katy, an'--an' (_aside_), well, I'se jest -puzzled fur more: guess we'll hab some more poetry (_aloud_) an'--an'-- - - "We'll dance all night till broad daylight, - An' go home with de girls in de morning." - -KATY. It's no such thing! Yer desavin' me, so yees are! Me Patsy -wouldn't go home wid the girls at all, at all. - -GYP. See fur yerself, see fur yerself! - -KATY (_snatching letter_). So I will. It's false and desateful yees -are, for Miss Dora rid the lether, an'--an'--it was jist illegant, so -it was an' it's yersilf.--bad luck to the loikes ov yees, whin yees -can't rade! an' it's the blissid troth I'm tillin',--invintin' a bit -uv blarney to make trouble betwane a poor girl an' her Patsy. Away wid -yees! - - [_Exit door_ R. - -GYP. Well, I guess she fooled me dat time. No use. Dar's alwus trubble -interferin' in lub affairs, jest like domestic affairs: when man and -wife am fighting, ef you try to be a messenger ob peace, ef you don't -look out, you'll git de broomstick onto yer own head. [_Exit._ - - - YANKEE DIALECT RECITATIONS. - - Edited by GEORGE M. BAKER. - - _BOARDS 50 CENTS PAPER 30 CENTS._ - - LEE & SHEPARD, Publishers, Boston. - - CONTENTS. - - PAGE - - Goin' Somewhere _M. Quod_ 5 - - Old Farmer Grey Gets Photographed _John H. Yates_ 8 - - Speech of the Hon. Perverse Peabody - on the Acquisition of Cuba 10 - - Widder Green's Last Words 13 - - Widow Stebbins on HomÅ“opathy _C. F. Adams_ 14 - - Farmer Bent's Sheep-Washing 16 - - The Little Peach 17 - - Mr. Pickwick's Romantic Adventure - with a Middle-aged Lady in Yellow - Curl-Papers _Dickens_ 18 - - Goin' Home To-day _W. M. Carleton_ 24 - - Jakie on Watermelon Pickle 25 - - Putty and Varnish _Josh Billings_ 26 - - London Zoölogical Gardens 28 - - Aurelia's Unfortunate Young Man _Mark Twain_ 29 - - The Old Ways and the New _John H. Yates_ 31 - - The Bumpkin's Courtship 33 - - The Ballad of the Oysterman _Oliver Wendell Holmes_ 35 - - The Deck Hand and the Mule 36 - - A Lay of Real Life _Thomas Hood_ 37 - - Middlerib's Rheumatic Cure _R. J. Burdette_ 39 - - Two Fishers _Harper's Weekly_ 43 - - Jim Wolfe and the Cats _Mark Twain_ 44 - - Mr. Stiver's Horse _J. M. Bailey_ 46 - - Mosquitoes _Kaleb Keating_ 50 - - The City Man and the Setting Hen 51 - - The Owl Critic _James T. Fields_ 53 - - The Man with a Cold in His Head 54 - - Forcible Entry _J. M. Bailey_ 5? - - The Village Sewing Society 57 - - Yankee Courtship 59 - - The Patter of the Shingle 63 - - The Paper Don't Say 64 - - The Jonesville Singin' Quire _Betsey Bobbitt_ 65 - - The Knife-Grinder _George Canning_ 69 - - Malaria 70 - - The Story of the Bad Little Boy who - Didn't Come to Grief _Mark Twain_ 72 - - Mr. Caudle and His Second Wife _Douglas Jerrold_ 75 - - Mollie or Sadie 78 - - The Baffled Book Agent 79 - - She Would Be a Mason _James C. Leighton_ 80 - - The Loves of Lucinda _Mark Melville_ 83 - - Something Split 87 - - From the Sublime to the Ridiculous 88 - - A Howl in Rome _Bill Nye_ 89 - - Butterwick's Weakness 93 - - The Old Man Goes to Town _J. G. Swinnerton_ 95 - - Mr. Watkins Celebrates _Detroit Press_ 98 - - The Squire's Story _John PhÅ“nix_ 99 - - The Conversion of Colonel Quagg _George Augustus Sala_ 100 - - In the Surf 105 - - Variegated Dogs _Peck_ 107 - - Judge Pitman's Watch _Max Adeler_ 110 - - An Æsthetic Housekeeper 111 - - "Mebbe" Joe's True Fish Story 112 - - Aunt Sophronia Tabor at the Opera 114 - - The Village Choir _Andre's Journal_ 117 - - The Light From Over the Range 118 - - The Christening _E. T. Corbett_ 121 - - Mr. Covill Proves Mathematics _J. M. Bailey_ 123 - - Mary's Lamb on a New Principle 124 - - Address of Spottycus 125 - - Our Visitor, and What He Came For 128 - - In the Catacombs _H. H. Ballard_ 130 - - The Showman's Courtship _A. Ward_ 132 - - Clerical Wit 134 - - Greely's Ride _Mark Twain_ 135 - - No Yearning for the Beautiful _Max Adeler_ 138 - - A Very Naughty Little Girl's View of - Life 141 - - Burdock's Goat 142 - - Awfully Lovely Philosophy 145 - - Aunt Parsons' Story _Presbyterian Journal_ 146 - - The National Game 151 - - A Disturbance in Church _Max Adeler_ 153 - - The Engineer's Story _Eugene J. Hall_ 155 - - The Judge's Search for a Waterfall _Harper's Magazine_ 156 - - The Railroad Crossing 158 - - Asking the Gov'nor 159 - - Intensely Utter _Albany Chronicle_ 162 - - The Way Astors Are Made _J. M. Bailey_ 164 - - A Mysterious Disappearance _Dickens_ 166 - - - THE GRAND ARMY SPEAKER. - - Edited by GEORGE M. BAKER. - - _BOARDS 50 CENTS_ _PAPER 30 CENTS._ - - LEE & SHEPARD, Publishers, Boston. - - CONTENTS. - - PAGE - - The Rescue _John Brownjohn_ 5 - - Decoration _T. W. Higginson_ 8 - - The Little Black-eyed Rebel _Will Carleton_ 9 - - The Palmetto and the Pine _Mrs. Virginia L. French_ 11 - - Battle Hymn _Korner_ 13 - - The Song of the Dying 14 - - By the Alma River _Miss Mulock_ 15 - - At the Soldiers' Graves _Robert Collyer_ 17 - - The Sergeant of the Fiftieth 18 - - The Minute-men of '75 _George William Curtis_ 19 - - Blue and Gray 21 - - Custer's Last Charge _Frederick Whittaker_ 23 - - The Pride of Battery B _F. H. Gassaway_ 25 - - The Cavalry Charge _F. A. Durivage_ 27 - - The Last Redoubt 28 - - Kelly's Ferry _Benjamin F. Taylor_ 30 - - Noble Revenge 34 - - Civil War _Anonymous_ 35 - - "Dashing Rod," Trooper _S. Conant Foster_ 36 - - The Tramp of Shiloh _Joaquin Miller_ 38 - - The Sharpshooter's Miss _Frank H. Gassaway_ 40 - - The Fight at Lookout _R. L. Cary, jun._ 44 - - The Countersign was "Mary" _Margaret Eytinge_ 46 - - A Second Review of the Grand - Army _Bret Harte_ 47 - - The Bivouac of the Dead 49 - - The Tramp _George M. Baker_ 52 - - The Canteen 55 - - The Charge by the Ford 56 - - Harry Brandon _Edmund E. Price_ 58 - - Post Number Three _Sherman D. Richardson_ 59 - - The Patriot Spy _F. M. Finch_ 62 - - The Dandy Fifth _Frank H. Gassaway_ 63 - - The American Flag _Joseph Rodman Drake_ 66 - - Somebody's Darling _Anonymous_ 68 - - "Little Potter's" Story 69 - - The Bravest Boy in Town _Emma Huntington Nason_ 71 - - Our Folks _Ethel Lynn_ 74 - - "Picciola" 76 - - "Fall in" _Mary Clemmer_ 78 - - "The Boys who Never Got Home" _George W. Peck_ 79 - - Abraham Lincoln and the Poor - Woman 80 - - Elizabeth Zane _John S. Adams_ 82 - - Keenan's Charge 84 - - The Old Canteen 86 - - Mobile Bay 88 - - Ravenswood's Oath _A. Wallace Thaxter_ 90 - - The Story of the Swords _Adelaide Cilley Waldron_ 91 - - "Only a Crippled Soldier!" _J. Russell Fisher_ 93 - - Somebody's Pride _Clement Scott_ 97 - - My Wife and Child _Henry Rootes Jackson_ 98 - - The Song of the Drum _I. E. Diekenga_ 99 - - "Bay Billy" _Frank H. Gassaway_ 102 - - Sheridan's Ride 106 - - "Them Yankee Blankits" _Samuel W. Small_ 108 - - The Soldiers' Monument _John L. Swift_ 110 - - The Crutch in the Corner _John McIntosh_ 112 - - Roll-call 113 - - The Cruise of the Monitor _George M. Baker_ 115 - - Missing 117 - - Decoration Day _Mary Bassett Hussey_ 118 - - Back from the War _T. De Witt Talmage_ 120 - - A Piece of Bunting _Hon. F. W. Palmer_ 121 - - Grant's Strategy _Judge Veazey_ 123 - - The Charge at Valley Maloy 124 - - The Hero-woman _George Lippard_ 126 - - Union of Blue and Gray _Paul H. Hayne_ 130 - - After "Taps" _Horace Binney Sargent_ 131 - - The Soldier's Reprieve _Rosa Hartwick Thorpe_ 133 - - At Arlington _James R. Randall_ 135 - - The Man with the Musket _H. S. Taylor_ 137 - - A Baby Peacemaker _Herbert W. Collingwood_ 138 - - The Veterans _General Sherman_ 141 - - Barbara Frietchie _Whittier_ 142 - - What Saved the Union 144 - - Re-enlisted _Lucy Larcom_ 145 - - The Soldier's Dream _C. G. Fall_ 147 - - - IRISH DIALECT RECITATIONS. - - Edited by GEORGE M. BAKER. - - _BOARDS 50 CENTS_ _PAPER 30 CENTS._ - - LEE & SHEPARD, Publishers, Boston. - - CONTENTS. - - PAGE - - How Teddy Saved His Bacon 5 - - Mr. O'Hoolahan's Mistake 7 - - The Last of the Sarpints 9 - - The Irish Boy and the Priest 11 - - An Irish Wake 12 - - Biddy's Philosophy _R. H. Stoddard_ 14 - - Reflections on the Needle _Cormac O'Leary_ 15 - - The Red O'Neil _Thomas S. Collier_ 16 - - Deaf and Dumb _Anna F. Burnham_ 20 - - Mr. Murphy Explains His Son's Conduct 21 - - A Ram for Ould Oireland 22 - - The Gridiron _William B. Fowle_ 23 - - The "O'Meara Consolidated" _Va. City Enterprise_ 26 - - Paddy's Metamorphosis _Moore_ 28 - - The Widow O'Shane's Rent 29 - - Why Biddy and Pat Got Married 30 - - Don Squixet's Ghost _Harry Bolingbroke_ 31 - - Mr. O'Gallagher's Three Roads to - Learning _Captain Marryat_ 33 - - Two Irish Idyls _Alfred Perceval Graves_ 37 - - The Broken Pitcher 39 - - Paddy's Excelsior _Harper's Magazine_ 40 - - The Irish Philosopher 41 - - Mary Maloney's Philosophy _Philadelphia Bulletin_ 42 - - Bridget McRae's Wedding Anniversary _Nina Gray_ 44 - - Paddy O'Rafther _Samuel Lover_ 45 - - Pat's Reason 47 - - O'Branigan's Drill _W. W. Fink_ 47 - - Pat and the Pig 48 - - Pat and the Oysters 50 - - A Penitent _Margaret Eytinge_ 51 - - Mike McGaffaty's Dog _Mark Melville_ 51 - - Jimmy Butler and the Owl 53 - - Tipperary 56 - - Pat's Dream of Heaven 58 - - Biddy's Troubles 61 - - Make It Four, Yer Honor 62 - - The Post-Boy _Mrs C. J. Despard_ 64 - - That Fire at the Nolans' _Life_ 67 - - Ninety-Eight 70 - - Pat's Bondsman _Lilian A. Moulton_ 71 - - Washee, Washee _Joaquin Miller_ 73 - - Annie's Ticket 74 - - O'Thello _Harper's Magazine_ 76 - - Lanty Leary _Samuel Lover_ 77 - - Katie's Answer 78 - - Paddy's Dream 79 - - Lessons in Cookery _Detroit Free Press_ 80 - - The Irish Traveller 82 - - Teddy's Six Bulls 82 - - A Miracle _Charles H. Webber_ 84 - - Pat and Miss Skitty _Bessie Bently_ 84 - - At the Rising of the Moon _Leo Casey_ 86 - - The Irish Schoolmaster 87 - - How Dennis Took the Pledge 89 - - When McGue Puts the Baby to Sleep 90 - - The Confession _Samuel Lover_ 91 - - Father Phil's Collection _Samuel Lover_ 92 - - St. Patrick's Martyrs 100 - - Pat's Correspondence _W. M. Giffin_ 102 - - Little Pat and the Parson 104 - - Patrick O'Rouke and the Frogs _George W. Bungay_ 105 - - Widow Malone _Charles Lever_ 108 - - The Birth of St. Patrick _Samuel Lover_ 109 - - Murphy's Mystery of the Pork Barrel 110 - - Paddy Blake's Echo _Samuel Lover_ 111 - - A Cook of the Period 112 - - Larry's on the Force _Irwin Russell_ 113 - - Pat and the Frogs _R. M. T._ 114 - - Paddy's Courting _W. A. Eaton_ 116 - - A Bit of Gossip _Josephine Pollard_ 118 - - Paddy and His Pig 120 - - Teddy McGuire and Paddy O'Flynn _Amanda T. Jones_ 121 - - Paudeen O'Rafferty's Say-Voyage 125 - - Irish Astronomy _Charles G. Halpine_ 128 - - Paddy McGrath's Introduction to Mr. - Bruin 129 - - Larrie O'Dee _W. W. Fink_ 131 - - Irish Coquetry 132 - - - FOR SCHOOL EXERCISES AND EXHIBITIONS. - - =PARLOR VARIETIES= (Part III.). Plays, Pantomimes, Charades. By - OLIVIA LOVELL WILSON. Containing nineteen bright and witty - entertainments for amateur actors. Boards, 50 cents; paper, 30 - cents. - - =PARLOR VARIETIES= (Part I.). Plays, Pantomimes, and Charades. By - EMMA E. BREWSTER. 16mo. 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Price in - boards, illustrated cover, oblong, $1.00; each ballad separate, - in paper, 25 cents. - - =THE BOOK OF ELOQUENCE.= A Collection of Extracts, in Prose and - Verse, from the most famous Orators and Poets. New edition. By - CHARLES DUDLEY WARNER. Cloth, $1.50. - - =DIALOGUES FROM DICKENS.= For schools and home amusement. Selected - and arranged by W. ELIOT FETTE, A.M. First Series, Illustrated. - Cloth, $1.00. Second Series, Illustrated. Cloth, $1.00. - - The Dialogues in the above books are selected from the best points - of the stories, and can be extended by taking several scenes - together. - - =SOCIAL CHARADES AND PARLOR OPERA.= By M. T. CALDER. Containing - Operas, Charades, with Popular Tunes. Boards, 50 cents; paper, 30 - cents. - - =POETICAL DRAMAS.= For home and school. By MARY S. COBB. Containing - Short Poetical and Sacred Dramas, suitable for Sunday-school - entertainments, etc. Boards, 50 cents; paper, 30 cents. - - =FOOTLIGHT FROLICS.= School Opera, Charades, and Plays. By Mrs. - CHARLES E. FERNALD. Thirteen entertainments, including "Christmas - Capers," a capital "Tree" introduction. Boards, 50 cents; paper, - 30 cents. - - =COBWEBS.= A Juvenile Operetta. By Mrs. ELIZABETH P. GOODRICH, - author of "Young Folks' Opera," etc. 50 cents. - - =MOTHER GOOSE MASQUERADES.= (The Lawrence Mother Goose.) By E. - D. K. Containing full directions for getting up an "Evening of - Nonsense," Shadow-Plays, Pantomimes, Processions, Mimic Tableaux, - and all the favorite ways of delineating passages of Mother - Goose. _Just the book for exhibitions._ 50 cents net. - - =YOUNG FOLKS' OPERA.= An illustrated volume of Original Music and - Words, bright, light, and sensible. By that favorite composer for - the young, Mrs. ELIZABETH PARSONS GOODRICH. 8vo. Boards. $1.00. - - _Sold by all booksellers and newsdealers, and sent by mail, - postpaid, on receipt of price._ - - LEE & SHEPARD, Publishers, Boston. - - - NEW ELOCUTIONARY HAND-BOOK. - - EDITED BY GEORGE M. BAKER. - - IRISH DIALECT RECITATIONS. A series of the most popular Readings - and Recitations in prose and verse. Boards, 50 cents; paper, 30 - cents. - - [Illustration] - - NEGRO DIALECT RECITATIONS. A series of the most popular Readings in - prose and verse. Boards, 50 cents; paper, 30 cents. - - [Illustration] - - THE GRAND ARMY SPEAKER. A collection of the best Readings and - Recitations on the Civil War. Boards, 50 cents; paper, 30 cents. - - [Illustration] - - YANKEE DIALECT RECITATIONS. A humorous collection of the best - Stories and Poems for Reading and Recitations. Boards, 50 cents; - paper, 30 cents. - - [Illustration] - - MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. A series of the most popular German, - French, and Scotch Readings. Boards, 50 cents; paper, 30 cents. - - [Illustration] - - THE READING CLUB and Handy Speaker, No. 18. Paper, 15 cents. - Uniform with Nos. 1 to 17. - - BAKER'S HUMOROUS SPEAKER. A compilation of popular selections in - prose and verse in Irish, Dutch, Negro, and Yankee dialect. - Uniform with "The Handy Speaker," "The Prize Speaker," "The - Popular Speaker," "The Premium Speaker." Cloth, $1.00. - - - Sold by all Booksellers, and sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of - price, by the publishers, - - LEE & SHEPARD, Boston. - - - - - - TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES - - - TEACHING HIM THE BUSINESS on p. 67 is virtually identical to THE - VAY RUBE HOFFENSTEIN SELLS on p. 45. - - On p. 137, the second digit is missing from the page number for the - line "Forcible Entry _J. M. 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padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} - - </style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Medley Dialect Recitations Comprising A -Series of The Most Popular Selections i, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Medley Dialect Recitations Comprising A Series of The Most Popular Selections in German, French, Scotch - -Author: Various - -Editor: George M. Baker - -Release Date: February 2, 2016 [EBook #51108] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS *** - - - - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, David Edwards and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> - -<div class="tnotes covernote"> - <p>The cover image was created by the transcriber and is placed in the public domain.</p> -</div> - - - - -<p class="ph2">STANDARD ELOCUTIONARY BOOKS</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p><strong>FIVE-MINUTE READINGS FOR YOUNG LADIES.</strong> -Selected and adapted by <span class="smcap">Walter K. Fobes</span>. Cloth. 50 cents.</p> - -<p><strong>FIVE-MINUTE DECLAMATIONS.</strong> Selected and adapted by -<span class="smcap">Walter K. Fobes</span>, teacher of elocution and public reader; author -of "Elocution Simplified." Cloth. 50 cents.</p> - -<p><strong>FIVE-MINUTE RECITATIONS.</strong> By <span class="smcap">Walter K. Fobes</span>. Cloth. -50 cents.</p></div> - -<p>Pupils in public schools on declamation days are limited to five minutes -each for the delivery of "pieces." There is a great complaint of the scarcity -of material for such a purpose, while the injudicious pruning of eloquent -extracts has often marred the desired effects. To obviate these difficulties, -new "Five-Minute" books have been prepared by a competent teacher.</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p><strong>ELOCUTION SIMPLIFIED.</strong> With an appendix on Lisping, Stammering, -and other Impediments of Speech. By <span class="smcap">Walter K. Fobes</span>, -graduate of the "Boston School of Oratory." 16mo. Cloth. 50 cents. -Paper, 30 cents.</p></div> - -<p>"The whole art of elocution is succinctly set forth in this small volume, -which might be judiciously included among the text-books of schools."—<cite>New -Orleans Picayune.</cite></p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p><strong>ADVANCED READINGS AND RECITATIONS.</strong> By <span class="smcap">Austin</span> -<span class="smcap">B. Fletcher</span>, A.M., LL.B., Professor of Oratory, Brown University, -and Boston University School of Law. This book has been already -adopted in a large number of Universities, Colleges, Post-graduate -Schools of Law and Theology, Seminaries, etc. 12mo. Cloth. $1.50.</p></div> - -<p>"Professor Fletcher's noteworthy compilation has been made with rare -rhetorical judgment, and evinces a sympathy for the best forms of literature, -adapted to attract readers and speakers, and mould their literary taste."—<span class="smcap">Prof.</span> -<span class="smcap">J. W. Churchill</span>, <em>Andover Theological Seminary</em>.</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p><strong>THE COLUMBIAN SPEAKER.</strong> Consisting of choice and animated -pieces for declamation and reading. By <span class="smcap">Loomis J. Campbell</span>, -and <span class="smcap">Orin Root</span>, Jun. 16mo. Cloth. 75 cents.</p></div> - -<p>Mr. Campbell, as one of the editors of "Worcester's Dictionaries," the -popular "Franklin Readers," and author of the successful little work, -"Pronouncing Hand-Book of 3,000 Words," is well known as a thorough -scholar. Mr. Root is an accomplished speaker and instructor in the West, -and both, through experience knowing the need of such a work, are well -qualified to prepare it. <em>It is a genuine success.</em></p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p><strong>VOCAL AND ACTION-LANGUAGE, CULTURE AND</strong> -<strong>EXPRESSION.</strong> By <span class="smcap">E. N. Kirby</span>, teacher of elocution in the Lynn -High Schools. 12mo. English cloth binding. Price, $1.25.</p></div> - -<p>"Teachers and students of the art of public speaking, in any of its forms, -will be benefited by a liberal use of this practical hand-book."—<em>Prof. -Churchill.</em></p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p><strong>KEENE'S SELECTIONS.</strong> Selection for reading and elocution. A -hand-book for teachers and students. By <span class="smcap">J. W. Keene</span>, A.M., M.D. -Cloth. $1.</p></div> - -<p>"An admirable selection of practical pieces."</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p><strong>LITTLE PIECES FOR LITTLE SPEAKERS.</strong> The primary -school teacher's assistant. By a practical teacher. 16mo. Illustrated. -75 cents. Also in boards, 50 cents. Has had an immense sale.</p> - -<p><strong>THE MODEL SUNDAY-SCHOOL SPEAKER.</strong> Containing -selections in prose and verse, from the most popular pieces and dialogues -for Sunday-school exhibitions. Illust. Cloth. 75 cents. Boards, 50 cents -"A book very much needed."</p></div> - -<p class="center">LEE AND SHEPARD Publishers Boston -</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> -<div id="titlepage"> - -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<p class="large"><em><span class="smcap">Baker's Dialect Series</span></em></p> - -<h1>MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS<br /> - -<span class="medium">COMPRISING A SERIES OF</span><br /> - -<span class="xlarge">THE MOST POPULAR SELECTIONS<br /> - -In German, French, and Scotch</span></h1> - - -<p>EDITED BY</p> - -<p class="large">GEORGE M. BAKER</p> - -<p>COMPILER OF "THE READING CLUB AND HANDY SPEAKER," "THE -PREMIUM SPEAKER," "THE POPULAR SPEAKER," "THE -PRIZE SPEAKER," "THE HANDY SPEAKER," ETC.</p> - -<p class="large p6">BOSTON<br /> -LEE AND SHEPARD, PUBLISHERS<br /> -NEW YORK<br /> -CHARLES T. DILLINGHAM<br /> -1888 -</p> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span></p> - - -<p class="center p6"><span class="smcap">Copyright</span>, 1887,</p> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">By</span> GEORGE M. BAKER.</p> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Medley Dialect Recitations.</span></p> - -<p class="center p6">RAND AVERY COMPANY,<br /> -ELECTROTYPERS AND PRINTERS,<br /> -BOSTON. -</p> - - - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>CONTENTS</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="CONTENTS"> - <tr> - <th colspan="2"></th> - <th>PAGE</th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Hans Breitmann's Party</td> - <td><em>Charles G. Leland</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_5">5</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Deutsch Maud Muller</td> - <td><em>Carl Pretzel</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_6">6</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Dutchman's Serenade</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_7">7</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Dyin' Vords of Isaac</td> - <td><em>Anon.</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_9">9</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Lookout Mountain, 1863—Beutelsbach, 1880</td> - <td><em>George L. Catlin</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_10">10</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Der Shoemaker's Poy</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_12">12</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Der Drummer</td> - <td><em>Charles F. Adams</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_13">13</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Yankee and the Dutchman's Dog</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_14">14</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Setting a Hen</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_16">16</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>"What's the Matter with that Nose?"</td> - <td><em>Our Fat Contributor</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_17">17</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Keepin' the De'il oot</td> - <td><em>Mrs. Findley Braden</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_19">19</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Puzzled Census-Taker</td> - <td><em>John G. Saxe</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_22">22</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Dutch Security</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_23">23</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Frenchman and the Rats</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_24">24</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Heinz von Stein</td> - <td><em>Charles G. Leland, from the</em> <em>German</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_26">26</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Solemn Book-Agent</td> - <td><cite>Detroit Free Press</cite></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_27">27</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Mother-in-Law</td> - <td><em>Charles Follen Adams</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_28">28</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Schneider's Tomatoes</td> - <td><em>Charles F. Adams</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_29">29</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Dutch Humor</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_30">30</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Squire Houston's Marriage Ceremony</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_31">31</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Dot Delephone</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_31">31</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The United Order of Half-Shells</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_33">33</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Why no Scotchmen go to Heaven</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_35">35</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Yawcob Strauss</td> - <td><em>C. F. Adams</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_36">36</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Leedle Yawcob Strauss—what he says</td> - <td><em>Arthur Dakin</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_37">37</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Isaac Rosenthal on the Chinese Question</td> - <td><cite>Scribner's Monthly</cite></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_38">38</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>"Der Dog und der Lobster"</td> - <td><em>Saul Sertrew</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_39">39</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>"Der Wreck of der Hezberus"</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_41">41</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Signs and Omens</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_43">43</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Dutchman's Answer</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_44">44</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Vay Rube Hoffenstein sells</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_45">45</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Dutch Recruiting Officer</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_46">46</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Dot Baby off Mine</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_47">47</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Dot Leetle Tog under der Vagon</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_49">49</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Schnitzerl's Velocipede</td> - <td><em>Hans Breitmann</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_50">50</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Latest Barbarie Frietchie</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_51">51</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mr. Hoffenstein's Bugle</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_52">52</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Fritz and his Betsy fall out</td> - <td><em>George M. Warren</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_54">54</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Cut, Cut Behind</td> - <td><em>Charles Follen Adams</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_57">57</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Tickled all Oafer <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_58">58</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>An Error o' Judgment</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_59">59</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Sockery Kadahcut's Kat</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_61">61</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>I vash so Glad I vash Here!</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_63">63</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Dot Shly Leedle Raskel</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_64">64</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Jew's Trouble</td> - <td><em>Hurwood</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_65">65</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Der Mule shtood on der Steamboad Deck</td> - <td><em>Anon.</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_66">66</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Teaching him the Business</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_67">67</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Der Good-lookin Shnow</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_69">69</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>How Jake Schneider went Blind</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_71">71</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Dutchman and the Raven</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_72">72</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Dutchman who gave Mrs. Scudder the Small-Pox</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_74">74</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Ellen McJones Aberdeen</td> - <td><em>W. S. Gilbert</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_76">76</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Dutch Sermon</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_78">78</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Shacob's Lament</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_79">79</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mr. Schmidt's Mistake</td> - <td><em>Charles F. Adams</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_81">81</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>John and Tibbie Davison's Dispute</td> - <td><em>Robert Leighton</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_82">82</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Fritz und I</td> - <td><em>Charles F. Adams</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_84">84</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Tussle with Immigrants</td> - <td><em>Philip Douglass</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_86">86</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Doketor's Drubbles</td> - <td><em>George M. Warren</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_86">86</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Charlie Machree</td> - <td><em>William J. Hoppin</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_90">90</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Dutchman's Dolly Varden</td> - <td><em>Anon.</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_91">91</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Frenchmen and the Flea-Powder</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_92">92</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Frenchman and the Sheep's Trotters</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_94">94</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>I vant to Fly</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_96">96</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Frenchman's Mistake</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_98">98</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>"Two Tollar?"</td> - <td><cite>Detroit Free Press</cite></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_100">100</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Frenchman on Macbeth</td> - <td><em>Anon.</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_101">101</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Like Mother used to Make</td> - <td><em>James Whitcomb Riley, in</em> <cite>New-York Mercury</cite></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_101">101</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>John Chinaman's Protest</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_102">102</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Whistler</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_104">104</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mother's Doughnuts</td> - <td><em>Charles Follen Adams</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_105">105</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Over the Left</td> - <td><em>W. C. Dornin</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_106">106</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Jolly Fat Friar</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_107">107</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Enoch of Calaveras</td> - <td><em>F. Bret Harte</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_107">107</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Curly-Head</td> - <td><em>B. S. Brooks</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_109">109</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Warning to Woman</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_111">111</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>An Exciting Contest</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_112">112</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Laughing Philosopher</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_114">114</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>In der Shweed Long Ago</td> - <td><em>Oofty Gooft</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_117">117</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Dot Stupporn Pony</td> - <td><em>Harry Woodson</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_118">118</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Spoopendyke opening Oysters</td> - <td><em>Stanley Huntley</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_119">119</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>To a Friend studying German</td> - <td><em>Charles Godfrey Leland</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_122">122</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Tammy's Prize</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_124">124</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Scotchman at the Play</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_128">128</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>An Irish Love-Letter</td> - <td><em>Geo. M. Baker</em></td> - <td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_133">133</a></td> - </tr> -</table></div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p> -<p class="ph2">MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS.</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>HANS BREITMANN'S PARTY.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Hans Breitmann gife a party: dey had piano playin'.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I felled in lofe mit a Merican frau; her name vos Matilda Yane.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She had haar as prown as a pretzel bun; her eyes were himmel-blue;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And ven she looket into mine she shplit mine heart into two.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Hans Breitmann gife a party: I vent dar, you'll be pound.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I valzt mit der Matilda Yane, and vent shpinnin' round and round,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">De pootiest fraulein in de house: she weighed two hoondert pound.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Hans Breitmann gife a party: I tells you it cost him dear.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dey rollt in more as seven kegs of foost-rate lager-bier;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And fenefer dey knocks de shpickets in, de Deutschers gife a cheer;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I dinks so fine a party not come to a hend dis year.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Hans Breitmann gife a party: dere all vas Saus and Braus.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ven de sooper coom in, de gompany did make demselfs to house;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dey eat das Brod und Gansebrust, Bratwurst, und Broten fine,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And vash deir Abendessen down mit four barrels of Neckar wein.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Hans Breitmann gife a party: ve all cot trunk as pigs.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I put mine mout' to a parrel of bier, and schwallowed up mit a schwigs.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> -<span class="i0">And den I kissed Matilda Yane, and she schlog me on de kop;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And de gompany fight mit taple-legs till de conshtoble made us shtop.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Hans Breitmann gife a party: vere is dat party now?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vere is de lofely golten cloud dat float on de mountain's prow?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vere is de Himmelstrahlende Stern, de star of de spirits' light?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">All goned afay mit de lager-bier, afay in de Ewigkeit.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i36"><span class="smcap">Charles G. Leland.</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>THE DEUTSCH MAUD MULLER.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Maud Muller, von summer afternoon,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vas dending bar in her fadder's saloon.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She solt dot bier, und singed "Shoo Fly,"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und vinked at der men mit her lefd eye.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But, ven she looked oud on der shdreed,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und saw dem gals all dressed so shweed,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Her song gifed oud on a ubber note,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Cause she had such a horse in her troat;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und she vished she had shdamps to shpend,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">So she might git such a Grecian Bend.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Hans Brinker valked shlowly down der shdreed,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Shmilin at all der gals he'd meed.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Old Hans vas rich, as I've been dold,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Had houses und lots und a barrel of gold.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He shdopped py der door; und pooty soon<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He valked righd indo dot bier saloon.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und he vinked ad Maud, und said, "My dear,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Gif me, if you pblease, a glass of bier."<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She vend to the pblace vere der bier-keg shtood,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und pringed him a glass dot vas fresh and goot.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Dot's goot," said Hans: "dot's a better drink<br /></span> -<span class="i0">As effer I had in mine life, I dink."<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He dalked for a vhile, den said, "Goot tay;"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und up der shdreed he took his vay.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span> -<span class="i0">Maud hofed a sigh, and said, "Oh, how<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I'd like to been dot old man's frow!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Such shplendid close I den vood vear,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dot all the gals around vood shdare.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">In dot Union Park I'd drive all tay,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und efery efenin go to der pblay."<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Hans Brinker, doo, felt almighty gweer<br /></span> -<span class="i0">(But dot might been von trinkin bier);<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und he says to himself, as he valked along<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Humming der dune of a olt lofe-song,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Dot's der finest gal I efer did see;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und I vish dot my vife she cood be."<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But here his solilligwy came to an end,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">As he dinked of der gold dot she might shbend;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und he maked up his mind dot, as for him,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He'd marry a gal mid lots of "din."<br /></span> -<span class="i0">So he vent right off dot fery day,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und married a vooman olt und gray.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He vishes now, but all in vain,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dot he was free to marry again,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Free as he vas dat afdernoon,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">When he met Maud Muller in dot bier-saloon.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Maud married a man mitoud some "soap;"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He vas lazy, too; bud she did hope<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dot he'd get bedder ven shildren came:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But ven they had, he vas yoost the same.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und ofden now dem dears vill come<br /></span> -<span class="i0">As she sits alone ven her day's work's done,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und dinks of der day ven Hans called her "My dear,"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und asked her for a glass of bier;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But she don'd complain nor efer has:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und oney says, "Dot coodn't vas."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i38"><span class="smcap">Carl Pretzel.</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>THE DUTCHMAN'S SERENADE.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vake up, my schveet! Vake up, my lofe!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Der moon dot can't been seen abofe.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vake oud your eyes, und dough it's late,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I'll make you oud a serenate.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Der shtreet dot's kinder dampy vet,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und dhere vas no goot blace to set;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My fiddle's getting oud of dune,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">So blease get vakey wery soon.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">O my lofe! my lofely lofe!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Am you avake ub dhere abofe,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Feeling sad und nice to hear<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Schneider's fiddle schrabin near?<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vell, anyvay, obe loose your ear,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und try to saw if you kin hear<br /></span> -<span class="i0">From dem bedclose vat you'm among,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Der little song I'm going to sung:<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">*<span style="margin-left: 20%">*</span><span style="margin-left: 20%">*</span><span style="margin-left: 20%">*</span><span style="margin-left: 20%">*</span><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">O lady, vake! Get vake!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und hear der tale I'll tell;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Oh, you vot's schleebin' sound ub dhere,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I like you pooty vell!<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Your plack eyes dhem don't shine<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Ven you'm ashleep—so vake!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">(Yes, hurry up, und voke up quick,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">For gootness cracious sake!)<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">My schveet imbatience, lofe,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I hobe you vill oxcuse:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I'm singing schveetly (dhere, py Jinks!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dhere goes a shtring proke loose!)<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">O putiful, schveet maid!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Oh, vill she efer voke?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Der moon is mooning—(Jimminy! dhere<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Anoder shtring vent proke!)<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Oh, say, old schleeby head!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">(Now I vas getting mad—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I'll holler now, und I don't care<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Uf I vake up her dad!)<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I say, you schleeby, vake!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vake oud! Vake loose! Vake ub!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Fire! Murder! Police! Vatch!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Oh, cracious! do vake ub!<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">*<span style="margin-left: 20%">*</span><span style="margin-left: 20%">*</span><span style="margin-left: 20%">*</span><span style="margin-left: 20%">*</span><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Dot girl she schleebed—dot rain it rained,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und I looked shtoopid like a fool,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vhen mit my fiddle I shneaked off<br /></span> -<span class="i2">So vet und shlobby like a mool!<br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>DYIN' VORDS OF ISAAC.</h2> - - -<p>Vhen Shicago vas a leedle villages, dher lifed dherein py -dot Clark Sdhreet out, a shentlemans who got some names -like Isaacs; he geeb a cloting store, mit goots dot vit you -yoost der same like dhey vas made. Isaacs vas a goot fellers, -und makes goot pishness on his hause. Vell, thrade -got besser as der time he vas come, und dose leetle shtore -vas not so pig enuff like anudder shtore, und pooty gwick he -locks out und leaves der pblace.</p> - -<p>Now Yacob Schloffenheimer vas a shmard feller; und he -dinks of he dook der olt shtore, he got good pishness, und -dose olt coostomers von Isaac out. Von tay dhere comes a -shentlemans on his store, und Yacob quick say of der mans, -"How you vas, mein freund? you like to look of mine goots, -aind it?"—"Nein," der mans say. "Vell, mein freund, it -makes me notting troubles to show dot goots."—"Nein; I -don'd vood buy sometings to-tay."—"Yoost come mit me -vonce, mein freund, und I show you sometings, und so hellup -me gracious, I don'd ask you to buy dot goots."—"Vell, I -told you vat it vas, I don'd vood look at some tings yoost -now; I keebs a livery shtable; und I likes to see mein old -freund Mister Isaacs, und I came von Kaintucky out to see -him vonce."—"Mister Isaacs? Vell, dot ish pad; I vas -sorry von dot. I dells you, mein freund, Mister Isaacs he -vas died. He vas mein brudder, und he vas not mit us eny -more. Yoost vhen he vas on his deat-ped, und vas dyin', he -says of me, 'Yacob, (dot ish mine names), und I goes me -ofer mit his petside, und he poods his hands of mine, und he -says of me, 'Yacob' ofer a man he shall come von Kaintucky -out, mit ret hair, und mit plue eyes, Yacob, sell him dings -cheab;' und he lay ofer und died his last."</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p> - -<p class="right"><em>Anonymous.</em></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>LOOKOUT MOUNTAIN, 1863—BEUTELSBACH, -1880.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Yah, I shpeaks English a leetle: berhaps you shpeaks petter der German."<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"No, not a word."—"Vel den, meester, it hardt for to be oonderstandt.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I vos drei yahr in your country, I fights in der army mit Sherman—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Twentiet Illinois Infantry—Fightin' Joe Hooker's commandt."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"So you've seen service in Georgia—a veteran, eh?"—"Vell, I tell you<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Shust how it vos. I vent ofer in sixty, und landt in Nei-York;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I sphends all mine money, gets sick, und near dies in der Hospiddal Bellevue:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ven I gets petter I tramps to Sheecago to look for some vork."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Pretty young then, I suppose?"—"Yah, svansig apout; und der peobles<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vot I goes to for to ask for some vork, dey hafe none for to geef;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Efery von laughs; but I holds my head ope shust so high as der steeples.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Only dot var comes along, or I should have die, I belief."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Ever get wounded? I notice you walk rather lame and unsteady.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Pshaw! got a wooden leg, eh? What battle? At Lookout! don't say!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I was there too—wait a minute—your beer-glass is empty already<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Call for another. There! tell me how 'twas you got wounded that day."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Vell, ve charge ope der side of her mountain—der sky vos all smoky and hazy;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ve fight all day long in der clouds, but I nefer get hit until night—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But—I don't care to say mooch apout it. Der poys called me foolish and crazy.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und der doctor vot cut ofe my leg, he say, 'Goot'—dot it serf me shust right.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"But I dinks I vood do dot thing over again, shust der same, and no matter<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vot any man say."—"Well, let's hear it—you needn't mind talking to me,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For I was there, too, as I tell you—and Lor'! how the bullets did patter<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Around on that breastwork of boulders that sheltered our Tenth Tennessee."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"So? Dot vos a Tennessee regiment charged upon ours in de efening,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Shust before dark; und dey yell as dey charge, und ve geef a hurrah,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Der roar of der guns, it vos orful."—"Ah! yes, I remember, 'twas deafening,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The hottest musketry firing that ever our regiment saw."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Und after ve drove dem back, und der night come on, I listen,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und dinks dot I hear somepody a callin'—a voice dot cried,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">'Pring me some vater for Gott's sake'—I saw his pelt-bate glisten,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Oonder der moonlight, on der parapet, shust outside.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"I dhrow my canteen ofer to vere he lie, but he answer<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dot his left handt vos gone, und his right arm proke mit a fall;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Den I shump ofer, und gife him to drink, but shust as I ran, sir,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Bang! come a sharp-shooter's pullet; und dot's how it vos—dot is all."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"And they called you foolish and crazy, did they? Him you befriended—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The 'reb,' I mean—what became of him? Did he ever come 'round?"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Dey tell me he crawl to my side, und call till his strength vos all ended,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Until dey come out mit der stretchers, und carry us off from der ground.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"But pefore ve go, he ask me my name, und says he, 'Yacob Keller,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You loses your leg for me, und some day, if both of us leefs,<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> -<span class="i0">I shows you I don't vorget'—but he most hafe died, de poor feller;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I nefer hear ofe him since. He don't get vell, I beliefs.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Only I alvays got der saddisfachshun ofe knowin'—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Shtop! vots der matter? Here, take some peer, you're vite as a sheet—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Shteady! your handt on my shoulder! my gootness! I dinks you vos goin'<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To lose your senses avay, und fall right off mit der seat.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Geef me your handts. Vot! der left one gone? Und you vos a soldier<br /></span> -<span class="i0">In dot same battle?—a Tennessee regiment?—dot's mighty queer—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Berhaps after all you're—" "Yes, Yacob, God bless you old fellow, I told you<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I'd never—no, never forget you. I told you I'd come, and I'm here."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i38"><span class="smcap">George L. Catlin.</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>DER SHOEMAKER'S POY.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Der meat-chopper hanged on der vhitevashed vall,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For no gustomers comed to der putcher's shtall;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Der sausage masheen was no longer in blay,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And der putcher poys all had a holiday.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Der shoemaker's poy comed dere to shlide<br /></span> -<span class="i0">On der door of der zellar, but shtealed inside:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Mit der chopping masheen he peginned to make free,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Un he cried, "Dere ish nopody looking at me."<br /></span> -<span class="i8">O! der shoemaker's poy,<br /></span> -<span class="i8">Un, O! der shoemaker's poy!<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Der day goed avay, un der night comed on.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ven der shoemaker vound dat his poy vas gone,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He called up his vrow, un der search pegan<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To look for der poy, un vind him if dey can.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dey seeked un asked for him at efery door,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">At der putcher's, der paker's, un groshery shtore;<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span> -<span class="i0">At der lager-pier cellar, der shtation-house;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But der answer dey getted vas, "Nix cum arous."<br /></span> -<span class="i8">O! der shoemaker's poy,<br /></span> -<span class="i8">Un, O! der shoemaker's poy!<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Dey seeked him all night, un dey seeked him next tay<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Un for more as a mont vas der duyvil to pay,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">In der alleys, der houses, un efery place round,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">In der Toombs, in der rifer, un in der tog-pound.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dey seeked him in vain undil veeks vas bast,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Un der shoemaker goed to his awl at <em>last</em>;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Un ven he'd passed py, all der peeples vould cry,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Dere goes der shoemaker vot losed his poy!"<br /></span> -<span class="i8">O! der shoemaker's poy,<br /></span> -<span class="i8">Un, O! der shoemaker's poy!<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">At lenkt der meat-chopping masheen vas in need:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Der putcher goed to it, un dere he seed<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A pundle of pones; un der shoes vas dere<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vot der long-lost shoemaker's poy did vear.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">His jaws were still vagging, un seemed to say,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Ven no one vas here, I got in to blay:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">It closed mit a shpring, un der poy so green<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vas made sausage-meat by der chopping masheen."<br /></span> -<span class="i8">O! der shoemaker's poy,<br /></span> -<span class="i8">Der <em>last</em> of der shoemaker's poy!<br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>DER DRUMMER.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Who puts oup at der pest hotel,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und dakes his oysters on der schell,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und mit der frauleins cuts a schwell?<br /></span> -<span class="i14">Der drummer.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Who vas it gomes indo mine schtore,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Drows down his pundles on der vloor,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und nefer schtops to shut der door?<br /></span> -<span class="i14">Der drummer.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Who dakes me by der handt, unt say,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Hans Pfeiffer, how you vas to-day?"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und goes for peesnis righd avay?<br /></span> -<span class="i14">Der drummer.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Who sphreads his zamples in a trice,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und dells me, "Look, und see how nice!"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und says I gets "der bottom price"?<br /></span> -<span class="i14">Der drummer.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Who says der tings vas eggstra vine,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Vrom Sharmany, ubon der Rhine,"—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und sheats me den dimes oudt of nine?<br /></span> -<span class="i14">Der drummer.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Who dells how sheap der goots vas bought,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Mooch less as vat I gould imbort,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But lets dem go as he vas "short"?<br /></span> -<span class="i14">Der drummer.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Who varrants all der goots to suit<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Der gustomers ubon his route?—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und ven dey gomes dey vas no goot,—<br /></span> -<span class="i14">Der drummer.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Who gomes aroundt ven I been oudt,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Drinks oup my bier, and eates mine <em>kraut</em>,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und kiss Katrina in der mout?<br /></span> -<span class="i14">Der drummer.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Who, ven he gomes again dis vay,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vill hear vot Pfeiffer has to say,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und mit a plack eye goes avay?<br /></span> -<span class="i14">Dot drummer.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i28"><span class="smcap">Charles F. Adams</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>THE YANKEE AND THE DUTCHMAN'S -DOG.</h2> - - -<p>Hiram was a quiet, peaceable sort of a Yankee, who lived -on the same farm on which his fathers had lived before -him, and was generally considered a pretty cute sort of a -fellow,—always ready with a trick, whenever it was of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> -least utility; yet, when he did play any of his tricks, 'twas -done in such an innocent manner, that his victim could do -no better than take it all in good part.</p> - -<p>Now, it happened that one of Hiram's neighbors sold a -farm to a tolerably green specimen of a Dutchman,—one of -the real unintelligent, stupid sort.</p> - -<p>Von Vlom Schlopsch had a dog, as Dutchmen often have, -who was less unintelligent than his master, and who had, -since leaving his "faderland," become sufficiently civilized -not only to appropriate the soil as common stock, but had -progressed so far in the good work as to obtain his dinners -from the neighbors' sheepfold on the same principle.</p> - -<p>When Hiram discovered this propensity in the canine department -of the Dutchman's family, he walked over to his -new neighbor's to enter complaint, which mission he accomplished -in the most natural method in the world.</p> - -<p>"Wall, Von, your dog Blitzen's been killing my sheep."</p> - -<p>"Ya! dat ish bace—bad. He ish von goot tog: ya! dat -ish bad!"</p> - -<p>"Sartain, it's bad; and you'll have to stop 'im."</p> - -<p>"Ya! dat ish allas goot; but ich weis nicht."</p> - -<p>"What's that you say? <em>he was niched?</em> Wall, now look -here, old feller! nickin's no use. Crop 'im; cut the tail off -close, chock up to his trunk: that'll cure him."</p> - -<p>"Vat ish dat?" exclaimed the Dutchman, while a faint -ray of intelligence crept over his features. "Ya! dat ish -goot. Dat cure von sheep steal, eh?"</p> - -<p>"Sartain it will: he'll never touch sheep-meat again in -this world," said Hiram gravely.</p> - -<p>"Den come mit me. He von mity goot tog; all the way -from Yarmany: I not take one five dollar—but come mit -me, and hold his tail, eh? Ich chop him off."</p> - -<p>"Sartain," said Hiram: "I'll hold his tail if you want me -tew; but you must cut it up close."</p> - -<p>"Ya! dat ish right. Ich make 'im von goot tog. There, -Blitzen, Blitzen! come right here, you von sheep steal rashcull: -I chop your tail in von two pieces."</p> - -<p>The dog obeyed the summons; and the master tied his -feet fore and aft, for fear of accident, and, placing the tail -in the Yankee's hand, requested him to lay it across a large -block of wood.</p> - -<p>"Chock up," said Hiram, as he drew the butt of the tail -close over the log.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p> - -<p>"Ya! dat ish right. Now, you von tief sheep, I learns -you better luck," said Von Vlom Schlopsch, as he raised the -axe.</p> - -<p>It descended; and, as it did so, Hiram, with characteristic -presence of mind, gave a sudden jerk, and brought Blitzen's -neck over the log; and the head rolled over the other side.</p> - -<p>"Wall, I swow!" said Hiram with apparent astonishment, -as he dropped the headless trunk of the dog: "that -was a <em>leetle</em> too close."</p> - -<p>"Mine cootness!" exclaimed the Dutchman, "<em>you shust -cut 'im off de wrong end</em>!"</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>SETTING A HEN.</h2> - - - -<p>I see dot most efferpody wrides someding for de shicken bapers -nowtays, und I tought praps meppe I can do dot too, so I -wride all apout vat dook blace mit me lasht summer. You -know—oder uf you dond know, den I dells you—dot Katrina -(dot is mein vrow) und me, ve keep some shickens for a -long dime ago, und von tay she sait to me: "Sockery (dot is -mein name) vy dond you put some of de aigs under dot old -plue hen shickens? I dinks she vants to sate." "Vell," I sait, -"meppe I guess I vill." So I picked out some uf de pest aigs -und dook um oud to de parn fare de olt hen make her nesht in -de side uf de hay-mow, poud five or six veet up. Now you see -I nefer vas ferry pig up und town, but I vas booty pig all de -vay around in de mittle, so I koodn't reach up dill I vent und -got a parrel do stant on. Vell, I klimet me on de parrel, und -ven my hed risht up by de nesht, dot old hen she gif me such a -bick dot my nose runs all ofer my face mit plood, und ven I -todge pack dot plasted old parrel he preak, und I vent town -kershlam; py cholly, I didn't tink I kood go inside a parrel pefore; -but dere I vos, und I fit so dite I koodn't get me oud efferway; -my fest vas bushed vay up under my arm-holes.</p> - -<p>Ven I fount I vas dite shtuck, I holler, "Katrina! Katrina!" -und ven she koom und see me shtuck in de parrel up to my arm-holes, -mit my face all plood und aigs, by cholly, she shust lait -town on de hay und laft und laft, till I got so mat I said, "Vot -you lay dere und laf like a olt vool, eh? Vy dond you koom -bull me oud?" Und she sat up und said, "Oh, vipe off your -chin, und bull your fest town;" den she lait back und laft like<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> -she voot split herself more as effer. Mat as I vas, I tought to -myself, Katrina, she shbeak English booty goot, but I only sait, -mit my greatest dignitude, "Katrina, vill you bull me oud dis -parrel?" und she see dot I look booty red, so she sait, "Of -course I vill, Sockery;" den she laidt me und de parrel town -on our side, und I dook holt de door-sill, und Katrina she bull -on de parrel; but de first bull she mate I yelled, "Donner und -blitzen! sthop dat, by cholly, dere is nails in de parrel!" You -see de nails pent town ven I vent in, but ven I koom oud dey -schticks in me all de vay rount.</p> - -<p>Vell, to make a short shtory long, I told Katrina to go und -dell naper Hansman to pring a saw und saw me dis parrel off. -Vell, he koom und he like to shblit himself mit laf, too; but he -roll me ofer, und saw de parrel all de vay around off, und I -git up mit haf a parrel round my vaist; den Katrina she say, -"Sockery, vait a little till I get a battern of dot new ofer-skirt -you haf on;" but I didn't sait a vort. I shust got a knife oud -und vittle de hoops off, und shling dot confountet old parrel in -dot voot-pile. Pimeby, ven I koom in de house, Katrina she -sait, so soft like, "Sockery, dond you goin to put some aigs -under dot olt plue hen?" Den I sait, in my deepest woice, -"Katrina, uf you uffer say dot to me again, I'll git a pill from -you—help me chiminy gracious!" und I dell you, she didn't -say dot any more! Vell, ven I shtep on a parrel now, I dond -shtep on it; I git a pox.</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>"WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THAT -NOSE?"</h2> - - -<p>Snyder kept a beer-saloon some years ago "over the -Rhine." Snyder was a ponderous Teuton of very irascible -temper,—"sudden and quick in quarrel,"—get mad in a -minute. Nevertheless his saloon was a great resort for the -boys,—partly because of the excellence of his beer, and -partly because they liked to chafe "old Snyder" as they -called him; for, although his bark was terrific, experience -had taught them that he wouldn't bite.</p> - -<p>One day Snyder was missing; and it was explained by his -"frau," who "jerked" the beer that day, that he had -"gone out fishing mit der poys." The next day one of the -boys, who was particularly fond of "roasting" old Snyder, -dropped in to get a glass of beer, and discovered Snyder's<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> -nose, which was a big one at any time, swollen and blistered -by the sun, until it looked like a dead-ripe tomato.</p> - -<p>"Why, Snyder, what's the matter with your nose?" said -the caller.</p> - -<p>"I peen out fishing mit der poys," replied Snyder, laying -his finger tenderly against his proboscis: "the sun it -pes hot like ash der tifel, unt I purns my nose. Nice nose, -don't it?" And Snyder viewed it with a look of comical -sadness in the little mirror back of his bar. It entered at -once into the head of the mischievous fellow in front of -the bar to play a joke upon Snyder; so he went out and collected -half a dozen of his comrades, with whom he arranged -that they should drop in at the saloon one after another, and -ask Snyder, "What's the matter with that nose?" to see -how long he would stand it. The man who put up the job -went in first with a companion, and, seating themselves at a -table called for beer. Snyder, brought it to them; and the -new-comer exclaimed as he saw him, "Snyder, what's the -matter with your nose?"</p> - -<p>"I yust dell your frient here I peen out fishin' mit der poys, -unt the sun he purnt 'em—zwi lager—den cents—all right."</p> - -<p>Another boy rushes in. "Halloo, boys, you're ahead of -me this time: s'pose I'm in, though. Here, Snyder, bring -me a glass of lager and a pret"—(appears to catch a sudden -glimpse of Snyder's nose, looks wonderingly a moment, and -then bursts out laughing)—"ha! ha! ha! Why, Snyder,—ha!—ha!—what's -the matter with that nose?"</p> - -<p>Snyder, of course, can't see any fun in having a burnt -nose or having it laughed at; and he says, in a tone sternly -emphatic,—</p> - -<p>"I've peen out fishing mit der poys, unt de sun it juse as -hot like ash dar tifel, unt I purnt my nose; dat ish all right."</p> - -<p>Another tormentor comes in, and insists on "setting 'em -up" for the whole house. "Snyder," says he, "fill up the -boys' glasses, and take a drink yourse——ho! ho! ho! ho! -ha! ha! ha! Snyder, wha—ha! ha!—what's the matter -with that nose?"</p> - -<p>Snyder's brow darkens with wrath by this time, and his -voice grows deeper and sterner,—</p> - -<p>"I peen out fishin' mit der poys on der Leedle Miami. -De sun pese hot like as—vel, I purn my pugle. Now, -that is more vot I don't got to say. Vot gind o' peseness? -Dat ish all right; I purn my own nose, don't it?"</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p> - -<p>"Burn your nose,—burn all the hair off your head, for -what I care; you needn't get mad about it."</p> - -<p>It was evident that Snyder wouldn't stand more than one -more tweak at that nose; for he was tramping about behind -his bar, and growling like an exasperated old bear in his -cage. Another one of his tormentors walks in. Some one -sings out to him, "Have a glass of beer, Billy?"</p> - -<p>"Don't care about any beer," says Billy, "but, Snyder, -you may give me one of your best ciga—Ha-a-a! ha! ha! -ha! ho! ho! ho! he! he! he! ah-h-h-ha! ha! ha! ha! Why—why—Snyder—who—who—ha-ha! -ha! what's the -matter with that nose?"</p> - -<p>Snyder was absolutely fearful to behold by this time; his -face was purple with rage, all except his nose, which glowed -like a ball of fire. Leaning his ponderous figure far over the -bar, and raising his arm aloft to emphasize his words with -it, he fairly roared,—</p> - -<p>"I've been out fishin' mit ter poys. The sun it pese hot -like ash never vas. I purnt my nose. Now you no like -dose nose, you yust take yose nose unt wr-wr-wr-wring your -mean American finger mit em! That's the kind of man vot -I am!"</p> - -<p>And Snyder was right.</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Our Fat Contributor.</span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>KEEPIN' THE DE'IL OOT.</h2> - - -<p>He cam' to the door o' my heart the nicht Wat Birney -kilt puir dog Speed for worritin' his Sou'-Downs.</p> - -<p>An' the De'il was a bra knocker. "Dugald Moir," he -ca'd, loud an' lang, "opit the door!"</p> - -<p>"Nay," said I. "You maun stay oot."</p> - -<p>"But I ha'e summat to say."</p> - -<p>"I dinna care to listen."</p> - -<p>"It's a bit o' gude advice."</p> - -<p>"Keep it, then. You'll need it afore you dee."</p> - -<p>"But it's aboot Wat Birney. He murdered your auld dog -Speed. You maun ha'e revenge."</p> - -<p>"The colley was trespassin'."</p> - -<p>"Ay, but Wat kilt him i' cauld blood."</p> - -<p>"Weel, he had often warnt us baith to keep off o' his -groun'."</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p> - -<p>"But Wat Birney's bin a bad naybor for years."</p> - -<p>"An' sae ha'e I, for the matter o' that. We dinna speak."</p> - -<p>"Speed's death maun be revenged. Set Wat's fat straw-stack -afire. It wad mak' a gran' blaze."</p> - -<p>"Nay, nay!" I cried. "Gae lang noo. I willna be your -partner i' ony sich doin's!"</p> - -<p>At that, the De'il bided awee. But I cud hear him -lashin' his tail just outside my heart-door. It was bolted -an' barred sae that he cudna walk i'. "Dugald Moir," he -ca'd again, "ha'e you buried puir Speed?"</p> - -<p>"Nay, Mister De'il. I canna pairt wi' him juist noo."</p> - -<p>"Wat's Sou'-Downs will nibble the sod aboon his grave. -Better pop owre ane or twa o' them. You ca' then feed -your loss wi' a bit o' roast mutton. It wad ainly be tooth -for tooth."</p> - -<p>"I daurna, auld Timpter. The Maister's Book says: -'Return gude for evil.' Wat's Sou'-Downs are nae mine to -kill an' eat."</p> - -<p>"Hoot, mon! Was Speed his ain dog to shoot doon i' a -minit?"</p> - -<p>"But he was worritin' the wee lambs o' the flock."</p> - -<p>Here the De'il knockit hard an' strong. "Dugald Moir, -Wat ha'e a dog o' his ain. Ca' him up, an' treat him to a -bit o' poisoned meat. That wad ainly be tit for tat."</p> - -<p>"Nay, again, Mister De'il. Wat's dog Bruce ance fished -my bairn oot o' the burn. He's a bra' beast, an' weel worth -twa o' puir, meddlin' Speed."</p> - -<p>"But that wad ainly mak' your revenge completer."</p> - -<p>"I willna tak' revenge. I'll do Wat sum gude turn i' place -o' it. I maun heap coals o' fire on his head."</p> - -<p>Then the De'il knockit ance mair. "Dugald Moir, I -thocht you a mon o' spirit! You'll be the butt o' the country-side. -Get even wi' Wat Birney while you ca'. It isna -yet too late. He's cumin' up the glen. Speed's killin' was -an insult; wipe it oot wi' your fists."</p> - -<p>"But sister Bel luvs the lad. He'll be my ain brither -sune. I wauna lift a han' to my brither."</p> - -<p>"Whist! ha's nae mair your brither than I!"</p> - -<p>"Nay, an' thank God for that las'! Gang awa'. You -canna enter the heart o' Dugald Moir."</p> - -<p>There was a knock at the hoose door just then; an' Wat -Birney hissel' entered, wi' Bruce at his heels. Puir Speed -lay deid between us.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p> - -<p>"W'at wad you ha'e?" I asked, stern-loike, for the De'il -was batterin's awa' at my heart's door.</p> - -<p>The lad held oot his han'. "I ha'e cam' to mak' peace. -We maun be friends."</p> - -<p>But I turned awa' i' anger. "We canna. Dinna ask -it."</p> - -<p>Ay, but the De'il was knockit fas' an' loud then. But -Wat Birney cud not ken.</p> - -<p>"Bruce ha'e cam' to tak' Speed's place," he said.</p> - -<p>It was a bra' giftie, but I wadna heed. "I dinna want -him," I cried. "Bring Speed bac' to life—if you ca'."</p> - -<p>"I wish I cud, mon, for Bel's sake. We mauna quarrel."</p> - -<p>"Knockit him doon!" shouted the De'il, shrill as a bagpipe.</p> - -<p>I lifted my arm; but Wat was such a slender lad, I cudna -strike.</p> - -<p>"Dinna you do it, Dugald. I canna forgi'e a blow," he -said. "I kilt puir Speed, but I'm baith ready an' willin' to -gi'e you Bruce i' his stead. It will ainly be a fair exchange. -Here's the colley, an' my han' on it. Cum, naybor, what -say you?"</p> - -<p>"Say you willna ha'e his beast or his friendship," whispered -the De'il, peerin' i' through my heart's window.</p> - -<p>An' I said it.</p> - -<p>There were tears i' honest Wat's blu' een. "I'm sair -fashed, Dugald. I canna gae hame wi'oot your forgi'eness. -It's w'at I cam' for, an' I maun ha'e it. Dinna you min' the -day I picht Jeanie oot o' the burn? Ha'e you forgotten -that, mon? Bruce an' I togither saved the lassie's life."</p> - -<p>"Speed's murder ha'e crosst that oot," I cried.</p> - -<p>The De'il was for climbin' richt i' then, but I kept him -bac' wi' my next words. "Wat Birney, I may forgi'e you i' -time, but it will ainly be for Bel's sake. Gang awa'. The -De'il is at wark. I'm nae my ainsel' this nicht. Tak' puir -Speed oot, an' bury him. I canna."</p> - -<p>The lad fell doon at my feet. "I maun ha'e your forgi'eness -first, Dugald Moir. Bel loves us baith, an' we maun -love each ither. Say the word noo; say, Wat, it's a' forgi'en -an' forgotten." I thocht o' bonnie sister Bel, an' said -the words owre; but my heart wasna i' them.</p> - -<p>"You dinna mean it," said Wat sadly; "but I'll bury -Speed a' the same."</p> - -<p>Then he went oot, draggin' the deid beast after him. I fol<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span>lowed -a' unnoticed. Doon i' the glen he dug Speed's grave, -an' laid the colley i' it. When he had finished, he knelt -aboon it, an' just prayed aloud.</p> - -<p>"Lord, forgi'e this day's hasty deed, an' help Dugald Moir -to forgi'e it too. He's sair angry wi' me, an' nae wi'oot -cause. But thee kens dog Speed weel earned my bullet. -Ainly an hour sin he mangled two o' my best Sou'-Downs. -But Dugald's hate is worse than a'. I maun ha'e the mon's -love an' friendship."</p> - -<p>The De'il ga've a great boun' and left my heart's door as -I rushed roun' to Wat's side.</p> - -<p>"You shall ha'e baith frae this minit," I cried. An' then -my arm stole 'boot the lad's neck, juist as I had seen Bel's -do on mony a moonlit nicht. He looked at me, bewildered.</p> - -<p>"I didna dream you wod hear. But it's juist God's ain -gude answer. An' noo you'll tak' Bruce i' Speed's place."</p> - -<p>"Yes," I said; for the De'il had vanished.</p> - -<p>Slowly we walked bac' to the hoose. Bel met us wi' -a kiss for baith, her black een beamin' wi' love and gladness.</p> - -<p>She wedded Wat sune after, an' for forty lang years he -ha'e been a bra', true brither. The De'il hasna visited me -sin'.</p> - -<p class="right"><em>Mrs. Findley Braden.</em></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>THE PUZZLED CENSUS-TAKER.</h2> - - -<p class="center">"<i lang="de">Nein</i>" (pronounced <em>nine</em>) is the German for "<em>No</em>."</p> - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Got any boys?" the marshal said<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To a lady from over the Rhine;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And the lady shook her flaxen head,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And civilly answered, "<em>Nein!</em>"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Got any girls?" the marshal said<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To the lady from over the Rhine;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And again the lady shook her head,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And civilly answered, "<em>Nein!</em>"<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"But some are dead?" the marshal said<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To the lady from over the Rhine;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And again the lady shook her head,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And civilly answered, "<em>Nein!</em>"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Husband, of course," the marshal said<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To the lady from over the Rhine;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And again she shook her flaxen head,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And civilly answered, "<em>Nein!</em>"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"The devil you have!" the marshal said<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To the lady from over the Rhine;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And again she shook her flaxen head,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And civilly answered "<em>Nein!</em>"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Now, what do you mean by shaking your head,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And always answering 'Nine?'"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"<i lang="de">Ich kann nicht Englisch!</i>" civilly said<br /></span> -<span class="i2">The lady from over the Rhine.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i44"><span class="smcap">John G. Saxe.</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>DUTCH SECURITY.</h2> - - -<p>Said Jake Metzenmaker to his sweetheart:</p> - -<p>"Loweeza, you vas a poody gal!"</p> - -<p>To which that bright-eyed young German damsel replied, -"Shake, dot vas nice; say it again."</p> - -<p>"Py golly!" Jake exclaimed; "you vas more peautiful ash -a budder-cup, and I hope you vill marry me right away."</p> - -<p>Then that sensible young woman responded:</p> - -<p>"Shake, I like dot marriage idea poody vell. I pelieve me it -vas a sensible peezness. Und I like you, Shake, more ash a -gooble dimes. But I vants seguridy."</p> - -<p>"Vants seguridy! I undershtand no such dhings," said Jake -in amazement.</p> - -<p>"Nein? Right avay I dole you. Ouf you read dose babers, -you find out it vas a great peezness by married fellers to run -aroundt the saloon, und don't like to vork, und oufter the vife -say some dhings she got a plack eye, and then she vas goome -by the bolice court for some seguridy for make him do petter."</p> - -<p>"Put you don't vas pelieve I do such a dhings, Loweeza? I -schwear dot, my lofe—"</p> - -<p>"Schwear vas a leedle fence not more ash a gooble feed high,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> -und you shump over him ash easy ash you like. I pelieve you -vas righdt now, Shake. Put there vas a great risk, und I vant -some seguridy for dose dime vhen you vill be poss."</p> - -<p>"Und you von'd marry me vidout dot seguridy?"</p> - -<p>"I pelieve me, Shake, it vas petter ve got him now, ask py-und-py -ouf dot bolice court—ain'd id?"</p> - -<p>"Vell, vat seguridy you vant?"</p> - -<p>"I dink, anyvay, a tousand tollar pond vould be apout right."</p> - -<p>"A tousand tollars! I don't ouver I find some man vhat like -to schain hisself by such a gueldt."</p> - -<p>"If you don'd could find a friend mit dot much gonfidence -py you, Shake, vhat sort of a shance you dink I dake?"</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>THE FRENCHMAN AND THE RATS.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">A Frenchman once, who was a merry wight,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Passing to town from Dover, in the night,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Near the roadside an alehouse chanced to spy,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And being rather tired, as well as dry,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Resolved to enter; but first he took a peep,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">In hopes a supper he might get, and cheap.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He enters. "Hallo, garçon, if you please,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Bring me a leetel bit of bread and cheese,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And hallo, garçon, a pot of porter, too!" he said,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Vich I shall take, and den myself to bed."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">His supper done, some scraps of cheese were left,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Which our poor Frenchman, thinking it no theft,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Into his pocket put; then slowly crept<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To wished-for bed. But not a wink he slept;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For on the floor some sacks of flour were laid,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To which the rats a nightly visit paid.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Our hero now undressed, popped out the light,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Put on his cap, and bade the world good-night;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But first his breeches, which contained the fare,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Under his pillow he had placed with care.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><i lang="fr">Sans ceremonie</i>, soon the rats all ran,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And on the flour-sacks greedily began,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">At which they gorged themselves; then, smelling round,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Under the pillow soon the cheese they found;<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> -<span class="i0">And, while at this they all regaling sat,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Their happy jaws disturbed the Frenchman's nap;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Who, half-awake, cries out, "Hallo, hallo!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vat is dat nibble at my pillow so?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ah, 'tis one big—one very big, huge rat!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vat is it that he nibble, nibble at?"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">In vain our little hero sought repose;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Sometimes the vermin galloped o'er his nose.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And such the pranks they kept up all the night<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That he, on end,—antipodes upright,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Bawling aloud, called stoutly for a light.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Hallo, maison, garçon, I say!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Bring me the bill for what I have to pay."<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The bill was brought; and, to his great surprise,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ten shillings was the charge. He scarce believed his eyes.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With eager haste, he quickly runs it o'er,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And every time he viewed it thought it more.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Vy, zounds and zounds!" he cries, "I sall no pay;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vat! charge ten shelangs for what I have <em>mangé</em>?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A leetel sop of portar, dis vile bed,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vare all de rats do run about my head?"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Plague on those rats!" the landlord muttered out;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"I wish, upon my word, that I could make 'em scout:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I'll pay him well that can."—"Vat's dat you say?"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"I'll pay him well that can."—"Attend to me, I pray:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vill you dis charge forego, vat I am at,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">If from your house I drive away de rat?"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"With all my heart," the jolly host replies.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"<i lang="fr">Ecoutez donc, ami</i>," the Frenchman cries.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"<i lang="fr">First d'en,—regardez</i>, if you please,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Bring to dis spot a leetel bread and cheese:<br /></span> -<span class="i0"><i lang="fr">Eh bien!</i> a pot of porter too;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And den invite de rats to sup vid you;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And after dat,—no matter dey be villing,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For vat dey eat, you <em>charge</em> dem just <em>ten shelang</em>:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And I am sure, ven dey behold de score,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dey'll quit your house, and <em>never come no more</em>."<br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>HEINZ VON STEIN.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Out rode from his wild, dark castle<br /></span> -<span class="i2">The terrible Heinz von Stein;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He came to the door of a tavern,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And gazed on the swinging sign.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">He sat himself down at a table,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And growled for a bottle of wine;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Up came, with a flask and a corkscrew,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">A maiden of beauty divine.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Then, seized with a deep love longing,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He uttered, "O damosel mine,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Suppose you just give a few kisses<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To the valorous Ritter von Stein!"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">But she answered, "The kissing business<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Is entirely out of my line;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And I certainly will not begin it<br /></span> -<span class="i2">On a countenance ugly as thine."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Oh, then the bold knight was angry,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And cursed both coarse and fine;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And asked, "How much is the swindle<br /></span> -<span class="i2">For your sour and nasty wine?"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">And fiercely he rode to the castle,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And set himself down to dine.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And this is the dreadful legend<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Of the terrible Heinz von Stein.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i14"><em>Charles G. Leland, from the German.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>THE SOLEMN BOOK-AGENT.</h2> - - -<p>He was tall, solemn, and dignified. One would have -thought him a Roman senator on his way to make a speech -on finance. But he wasn't, singularly enough, he wasn't. -He was a book-agent. He wore a linen duster; and his -brow was furrowed with many care-lines, as if he had been -obliged to tumble out of bed every other night of his life to -dose a sick child. He called into a tailor-shop on Randolph -Street, removed his hat, took his "Lives of Eminent Philosophers" -from its cambric bag, and approached the tailor -with,—</p> - -<p>"I'd like to have you look at this rare work."</p> - -<p>"I haf no time," replied the tailor.</p> - -<p>"It is a work which every thinking man should delight to -peruse," continued the agent.</p> - -<p>"Zo?" said the tailor.</p> - -<p>"Yes. It is a work on which a great deal of deep thought -has been expended; and it is pronounced by such men as -Wendell Phillips to be a work without a rival in modern -literature."</p> - -<p>"Makes anybody laugh when he zees it?" asked the -tailor.</p> - -<p>"No, my friend: this is a deep, profound work, as I have -already said. It deals with such characters as Theocritus, -Socrates, and Plato, and Ralph Waldo Emerson. If you -desire a work on which the most eminent author of our day -has spent years of study and research, you can find nothing -to compare with this."</p> - -<p>"Does it shpeak about how to glean cloze?" anxiously -asked the man of the goose.</p> - -<p>"My friend, this is no receipt-book, but an eminent work -on philosophy, as I have told you. Years were consumed in -preparing this volume for the press; and none but the -clearest mind could have grasped the subjects herein discussed. -If you desire food for deep meditation, you have it -here."</p> - -<p>"Does dis pook say sumding about der Prussian war?" -asked the tailor as he threaded his needle.</p> - -<p>"My friend, this is not an every-day book, but a work on -philosophy,—a work which will soon be in the hands of -every profound thinker in the country. What is the art of -philosophy? This book tells you. Who were, and who are,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span> -our philosophers? Turn to these pages for a reply. As I -said before, I don't see how you can do without it."</p> - -<p>"And he don't haf any dings about some fun, eh?" -inquired the tailor, as the book was held to him.</p> - -<p>"My friend, must I again inform you that this is not an -ephemeral work, not a collection of nauseous trash, but a -rare, deep work on philosophy? Here, see the name of the -author. That name alone should be proof enough to your -mind, that the work cannot be surpassed for profundity of -thought. Why, sir, Gerritt Smith testifies to the greatness -of this volume!"</p> - -<p>"I not knows Mr. Schmidt: I make no cloze mit him," -returned the tailor in a doubting voice.</p> - -<p>"Then you will let me leave your place without having -secured your name to this volume? I cannot believe it. -Behold, what research! Turn these leaves, and see these -gems of richest thought! Ah! if we only had such minds, -and could wield such a pen! But we can read, and, in a -measure, we can be like him. Every family should have -this noble work. Let me put your name down: the book is -only twelve dollars."</p> - -<p>"Zwelve dollars for der pook! Zwelve dollars, und he -has noddings about der war, und no fun in him, or say -noddings how to get glean cloze! What you take me for, -mister? Go right away mit dat pook, or I call der bolice, -and haf you locked up pooty quick!"</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Detroit Free Press</span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>THE MOTHER-IN-LAW.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Dhere vas many qveer dings in dis land of der free<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I neffer could qvite understand;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Der beoples dhey all seem so deefrent to me<br /></span> -<span class="i2">As dhose in mine own faderland.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dhey gets blenty droubles, und indo mishaps<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Mitout der least bit off a cause;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und, vould you pelief it? dhose mean Yankee chaps,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dhey fights mit dheir moder-in-laws!<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Shust dink off a vite man so vicked as dot!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vhy not gife der oldt lady a show?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Who vas it gets oup, ven der night id vas hot,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Mit mine baby, I shust like to know?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und den in der vinter vhen Katrine vas sick,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und der mornings vas shnowy and raw,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Who made righdt avay oup dot fire so qvick?<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vhy, dot vas mine moder-in-law.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Id vos von off dhose woman's righdts vellers I been,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dhere vas noding dot's mean aboudt me;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ven der oldt lady vishes to run dot masheen,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vhy, I shust let her run id, you see.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und vhen dot sly Yawcob vas cutting some dricks<br /></span> -<span class="i2">(A block off der oldt chip he vas, yaw!),<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Eef she goes for dot chap like some dousand of bricks,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot's all righdt! She's mine moder-in-law.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Veek oudt und veek in, it vas alvays der same,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot voman vas boss off der house;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Budt, dhen, neffer mindt! I vos glad dot she came,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">She vas kind to mine young Yawcob Strauss.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And vhen dhere vas vater to get vrom der spring,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und firevood to shplit oup und saw,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She vas velcome to do it. Dhere's not anyding<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot's too good for mine moder-in-law.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i32"><em>Charles Follen Adams.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>SCHNEIDER'S TOMATOES.</h2> - - -<p>Schneider is very fond of tomatoes. Schneider has a -friend in the country who raises "garden sass, and sich." -Schneider had an invitation to visit this friend last week, -and regale himself on his favorite vegetable. His friend -Pfeiffer being busy negotiating with a city produce-dealer, on -his arrival, Schneider thought he would take a stroll in the -garden, and see some of his favorites in their pristine -beauty. We will let him tell the rest of his story in his -own language,—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p> - -<p>"Vell, I valks shust a liddle vhile roundt, vhen I sees some -of dose dermarters, vot vas so red und nice as I nefer dit see -any more, und I dinks I vill put mineself oudside about a -gouple-a-tozen, shust to geef me a liddle abbedite vor dinner. -So I bulls off von ov der reddest und pest lookin' ov dose -dermarters, und dakes a pooty good pite out ov dot, und vas -chewing it oup pooty qvick, vhen—py shiminy!—I dort -I hat a peese of red-hot goals in mine mout, or vas chewing -oup dwo or dree bapers of needles; und I velt so pad, alreaty, -dot mine eyes vas vool of tears; und I mate vor an 'olt -oken pucket,' vot I seen hangin' in der vell, as I vas -goomin' along.</p> - -<p>"Shust den mine vriend Pfeiffer game oup, und ask me -vot mate me veel so pad, und if any of mine vamily vas -dead. I dold him dot I vas der only von ov der vamily dot -vas pooty sick; und den I ask him vot kind of dermarters dose -vas vot I hat shust peen bicking; und, mine cracious! how -dot landsman laughft, und said dot dose vas <em>red beppers</em>, dot -he vas raising vor bepper-sauce. You pet my life, I vas -mat. I radder you geef me feefty tollars as to eat some -more ov dose bepper-sauce dermarters."</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Charles F. Adams.</span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>DUTCH HUMOR.</h2> - - -<p>A German in a Western town, who has not paid much -attention to learning English, had a horse stolen from his -barn the other night, whereupon he advertised as follows:—</p> - -<p>"Von nite, de oder day, ven I was bin awake in my -shleep, I heare sometings vat I tinks vas not yust right in -my barn, an I out shumps to bed, and runs mit the barn -out; and ven I was dere coom, I seez dat my pig gray-iron -mare he vas bin tide loose, and run mit the staple off. And -who efer will him back pring, I yust so much pay him as -vas bin kushtomary."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An old Dutchman froze his nose. While thawing the frost -out, he said: "I haf carry dot nose fordy year, unt he nefer -freeze hisself before. I no understand dis ting."</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>SQUIRE HOUSTON'S MARRIAGE CEREMONY.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">You bromish now, you goot man dare,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vot sthands ubon de vloor,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To hab dish vooman for your vife,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und lub her ebbermore;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To feed her vell mit sourkraut,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Peens, putthermilks und scheese,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und in all dings to lend your aid,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dat vill bromote her ease?<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Yesh;" und you vooman sthandin dare,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Do bledge your vord dish tay,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dat you vill took for your hoospand,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dis man—und him obey;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dat you vill ped und poard mit him,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vosh, iron und mend his cloothes,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Laf ven he shmiles, veep ven he moorns,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und chare his shoys und voes?<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vell, den, I now, viddin dese valls,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Mit shoy, und not mit kreef,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Bronounch you bote to pe one mind,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Von name, von man, von beef;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I pooblish here dese holy pands,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dese matthermoonial ties,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Pefore Got, mine frow, Hans und Poll,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und all dese gazin eyes.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Und, as de shacred Schripture says,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vot God unites togedder<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Let no man dare ashunder put,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Let no man dare dem sever.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dare! britekroom, now schoost you sthop,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I'll hold tight fasht your collar,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Unteel you anshwer me dish ting,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und dat's—<em>vare ish mine tollar</em>?<br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>DOT DELEPHONE.</h2> - - -<p>"I guess I haf to gif up my delephone already," said an -old citizen yesterday, as he entered the office of the company -with a very long face.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p> - -<p>"Why, what's the matter now?"</p> - -<p>"Oh, everyting! I got de delephone in mine house so as -I could shpeak mit der poys in der saloon down town, and -mit my relations in Springville; but I haf to give it up. I -nefer haf so much droubles."</p> - -<p>"How?"</p> - -<p>"Vell, my poy Shon, in der saloon, he rings der pell, and -calls opp, und says an old frient of mine vants to see how -she vorks. Dot ish all right. I says, 'Hello!' und he say, -'Shtand back a leetle closer.' I shtand back closer, und -helloes again. Den he says, 'Shtand a leetle off.' I shtand -back a leetle off, und yells unce more; und he say, 'Shpeak -louder!' I yells louder. It goes dat vhay ten minutes; -und den he says, 'Go to Texas, you old Dutchman!' You -see?"</p> - -<p>"Yes."</p> - -<p>"And den mine brudder in Springville, he rings der pells -und calls me oop, und says how I vas dis efenings. I says I -vhas feeling like some colts; und he says, 'Who vants to -puy some goats?' I says, 'Colts! colts! colts!' Und he -answers, 'Oh, coats! I thought you said goats.' Ven I -goes to ask him of he feels petter, I hears a voice crying -oudt, 'Vot Dutchmans is dot on dis line, enyhow?' Den -somepody answers, 'I don't know, but I likes to punch his -headt.' You see?"</p> - -<p>"Yes."</p> - -<p>"Vhell, somedimes my vife vhants to shpeak mit me ven -I am down in der saloon. She rings mine pell, und I says, -'Hello!' Nopody shpeaks to me. She rings again, und I -says, 'Hello!' like dunder. Den der central office tells me -to go aheads, und den tells me holdt on, und den tells mine -vife dot I am gone avay. I yells oudt, 'Dot is not so;' und -somepody says, 'How can I talk if dot old Dutchmans -doan' keep shtill?' You see?"</p> - -<p>"Yes."</p> - -<p>"Und ven I go in de bedt at night, somepody rings der pell -like der house vas on fire; und ven I shumps oudt, und -says, 'Hello!' I hear somepody saying, 'Kaiser, doan't you -vhant to puy a dog?' I vants no dog; und ven I tells 'em -so, I hear some peoples laughing, 'Haw! haw! haw!' You -see?"</p> - -<p>"Yes."</p> - -<p>"Vell, you dake it oudt, dat ish all vhat it ish; und ven<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span> -somepody likes to shpeak mit me dey shall coom right avay -by mine saloon. Oof mine brudder ish sick, he shall got -petter. Und oof somepody vhants to puy a dog, apout two -glock de morning, let him yust coom vere I can tole him -somedings, dat ish all."</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>THE UNITED ORDER OF HALF-SHELLS.</h2> - - -<p>"My vhife all der time says to me, 'Carl Dunder, if you -vhas to be kilt by a butcher-cart or ice-wagon, or if some -shteamboat plow you oop on de river, I left mit no money. -Vhy doan' you pe insured mit your life?'</p> - -<p>"Vhell, I tinks about dot a good deal. It vhas my duty -dot my vhife und Katie doan' go mit der poorhouse if I can -help it, und I tink it vhas pest to get some insurance. I -shpeak to my frendt, Shon Plazes, vhas about it, und Shon -he says,—</p> - -<p>"'Of course you vhant insurance. You come into my -lodge of der United Order of Half-shells. Dot vhas an -order which only cost one dollar a year, und if you die your -family puts on shtyle mit der ten thousand dollar in greenpacks. -I calls a meeting right avhay mit your saloon, und -we put you through like some streaks of greased lightning.'</p> - -<p>"Vhell, I goes home and tells der old vhomans, und she -says dot vhas O. K. She doan's like to see me die; but if -some shmall-pox or yellow-fever comes to Detroit, und takes -me avay, she likes to haf a long funeral procession, und build -me a grave-stone vhich reads dot Carl Dunder vhas a goot -husband, a kind fadder, und dot he vhas gone to heaven only -a leedle vhile before he vhas ready. I shpeak to my daughter -Katie, und she sheds some tears und dells me dot she -looks as cute as an angel in some mourning gloze for me. -So it vhas all right, und I sweep out my saloon, und about -twenty men come in dot eafnings to make me a Half-shell.</p> - -<p>"Oxcuse me if I vhas madt, und use some words like a -pirate. My frendt, Shon Plazes, vas dhere mit a red cap on -his head, und a voice so solemn dot I feels chills go up my -pack. He calls de meeting to order, and says I like to -shoine and become a Half-shell.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p> - -<p>"'Does he like peer?' asks some mans in the gorner.</p> - -<p>"'He does,' said Shon Plazes.</p> - -<p>"'Und so do we!' yells all der meeting, and Shon says -I was to come down mit der peer. Dot was nineteen -glasses.</p> - -<p>"Den Shon Plazes, he reads from a pook mit a plue cover -dot man vhas dying efery day so fast dot you can't count -'em, or somedins like dot, und he calls oudt,—</p> - -<p>"'Vhat shall safe dis man?'</p> - -<p>"Und eaferpody yells, 'Lager peer!' Dot means, I set -him oop again, und dot vhas nineteen glasses more. Den -two men take me und vhalk me all aroundt, und Shon Plazes -he cries oudt,—</p> - -<p>"'Ve vhas here to-day und gone to-morrow! In der midnight, -when eaferpody vhas ashleep, a tief comes und shteals -our life away! Vhat keeps dot tief afar off?'</p> - -<p>"Und eaferpody groans oudt like he vhas dying, 'Cool -lager!' Dot means I was to set 'em oop again, und dot -vhas nineteen glasses more. Den Shon Plazes he leads me -twice around und says,—</p> - -<p>"'Carl Dunder, you tinks you vhas made a Half-shell already, -but you vhas mistaken. Put out your left handt. -Dot vhas goot. Now, my frendt, vhat vas der foundation -stone of liberty, equality, und brotection?'</p> - -<p>"Und eaferpody lifs oop his voice und groans out, 'All -der lager a man vhants!' Dot means, I vhas to tap a fresh -keg; und I believe dot growd drinks more as forty glasses. -I doan' like it so previous like. I didn't, but my frendt -Shon Plazes tells me to lie down on der table on my pack, -und shut my eyes. Vhen I vhas in bosition he hit me three -dimes mit his fist in der stomach, und cries oudt,—</p> - -<p>"'Vhen he vhas alife he vhas kind mit der boor; vhen he -vhas death, we forgot his faults. Brudders, vhat vhas der -great brinciple dot leads to charity und penevolence?'</p> - -<p>"Und eaferpody shumps to his feet und yells out, 'Some -more lager and cigars!' Vhell, I set 'em oop once more, und -den I vhas so madt dot I take my glub und clean dot crowd -oudt mit der street. I belief he vas a fraud on me. I belief -Shon Plazes tells all der poys, und it vhas a put-up shob. I -lose my peer and cigars, und somebody carries off more as -ten bottles of vhiskey from my par, und I vhas no more a -Half-shell as yoo are. If dot vhas some vhey to insure me -so dat my vhife und Katie haf some mourning goods, und<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> -puy me a grave-stone mit a lamp on top, I go out of pollytics -right avay. Oxcuse me dot I shed some tears, und kick -oafer der shairs und tables, for I vhas madt like some cats -on a gloze-line."</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>WHY NO SCOTCHMEN GO TO HEAVEN.</h2> - - -<p>Long years ago, in time so remote that history does not -fix the epoch, a dreadful war was waged by the king of Scotland. -Scottish valor prevailed; and the king of Scotland, -elated by success, sent for his prime minister.</p> - -<p>"Weel, Sandy," said he, "is there ne'er a king we canna -conquer noo?"</p> - -<p>"An it please your majesty, I ken o' a king that your -majesty canna vanquish."</p> - -<p>"An' who is he, Sandy?"</p> - -<p>The prime minister, reverently looking up, said, "The -King o' heaven."</p> - -<p>"The king of whaur, Sandy?"</p> - -<p>"The King o' heaven."</p> - -<p>The Scottish king did not understand, but was unwilling -to exhibit any ignorance.</p> - -<p>"Just gang your ways, Sandy, and tell King o' heaven -to gi'e up his dominions, or I'll come mysel' and ding him -oot o' them; and mind you, Sandy, you dinna come back to -us until ye ha'e dune oor biddin'."</p> - -<p>The prime minister retired much perplexed, but met a -priest, and, re-assured, returned and presented himself.</p> - -<p>"Weel, Sandy," said the king, "ha'e ye seen the King o' -heaven? and what says he to our biddin'?"</p> - -<p>"An it please your majesty, I ha'e seen one o' his accredited -ministers."</p> - -<p>"Weel, and what says he?"</p> - -<p>"He says your majesty may e'en ha'e his kingdom for the -axin' o' it."</p> - -<p>"Was he sae civil?" asked the king, warming to magnanimity. -"Just gang your ways back, Sandy, an' tell the -King o' heaven that for his civility the de'il a Scotchman -shall set foot in his kingdom."</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>YAWCOB STRAUSS.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I haf von funny leedle poy,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vot gomes schust to mine knee;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Der queerest schap, der createst rogue,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">As efer you dit see.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He runs, und schumps, und schmashes dings<br /></span> -<span class="i2">In all barts off der house;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But vot off dot? he was mine son,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Mine leedle Yawcob Strauss.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">He get der measles und der mumbs,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und eferyding dot's oudt;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He sbills mine glass of lager bier,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Poots schnuff indo mine kraut.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He fills mine pipe mit limburg cheese:<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot vas der roughest chouse;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I'd dake dot vrom no oder poy<br /></span> -<span class="i2">But leedle Yawcob Strauss.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">He dakes der milk-ban for a dhrum,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und cuts mine cane in dwo;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To make der schtiks to beat it mit,—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Mine cracious, dot vas drue!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I dinks mine hed vas schplit abart,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He kicks oup sooch a touse:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But nefer mind; der poys vas few<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Like dot young Yawcob Strauss.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">He asks me questions sooch as dese:<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Who baints mine nose so red?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Who vas it cuts dot schmoodth blace oudt<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vrom der hair ubon mine hed?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und vhere der plaze goes vrom der lamp<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vene'er der glim I douse.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">How gan I all dose dings eggsblain<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To dot schmall Yawcob Strauss?<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I somedimes dink I schall go vild<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Mit sooch a grazy poy,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und vish vonce more I gould haf rest,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und beaceful dimes enshoy;<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span> -<span class="i0">But ven he vas ashleep in ped,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">So guiet as a mouse,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I prays der Lord, "dake anyding,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">But leaf dot Yawcob Strauss."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i32"><span class="smcap">C. F. Adams.</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>LEEDLE YAWCOB STRAUSS—WHAT -HE SAYS.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Maype somedimes you don't half szeen<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Mine fahder told vhen he vas peen<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Szo vild almost as never vas<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Mit me; hees Leedle Yawcob Strauss,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und all apout thdose tings because<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vit me he wasn't haf szome ease,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Nor schmoke hees bipe, nor schleep in peese<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Nor eats szome schmall limburger scheese;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Nor dakes hees peer nor saurkraout,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Yen Leedle Yawcob was apout.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vell now! I shbiel hees lager peer?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Mine gootness! dot ish very queer;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Don't I haf seen him mit his handt,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Tdake vup some glass of lager, andt<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Schoost ash he schmell him mit hees eye,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Shbiel him all in hees schtoomach? vy,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He shbiel more lager peer don I,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Andt thden he laff, und dance, und szing,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">More like some poys don anythding.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I took der meezles; vell I shbose<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dot thdere vas blenty left of thdose;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I poots der schnuff inder hees kraout,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">So it make him don't scheeze so loudt,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I haf der mumps; vot if I is?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Mine vace don't got szer far abart<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Nor pe szo pig nor redt as his.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Und thden apout those limburg scheese;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vell thdere I dhink dot I agrees<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Mit him, dot it vos szomevat rouff,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But thden he szay vonce, dat enough<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vas schoost so petter nor a veest,<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> -<span class="i0">Und szo I think he kouldn't got<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Enough, so scheap und quivck ash vot<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He haf mit hees bipe full off dot.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Thdose milk-ban dot I learn to blay,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I get dot drouble in thdis way:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Poot pottom up across my knee,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Schoost ash I szeen him do to me,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I tumps upon him mit ter stdick,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und make der music pooty qvick;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vy ish it dot hees hed't vas shblit<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vith sooch a leedle noise, ven it<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Don't preak oup mit der noise dot he<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Make, ven he tump dot stdick on me?<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Put ven I ask apout szome thdings,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vot make hees nose szo redt, and prings<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Der schoomth shbot oudt mitin his hedt;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I shbose dot I shall know apout<br /></span> -<span class="i0">All of thdose thdings—ven I findt out,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und szo I vait avhile, and szee<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vot der next drouble ish to pe,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und if der meeschiefs thdake this blace,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I brays like vot dot fahder says<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Tdake everyding dots in thdis house,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Put leave thdis leedle Yawcob Strauss.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i34"><span class="smcap">Arthur Dakin.</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>ISAAC ROSENTHAL ON THE CHINESE -QUESTION.</h2> - - -<p>Mr. Rosenthal, who was proprietor of a clothing store -in Avenue A, had been mentioned to me as an unusually -intelligent German Hebrew, and I met him at the door of his -store looking out for customers. As I paused for a moment, -he addressed me thus:—</p> - -<p>"Gome righd in, mein liebe Herr! Don'd mind dot leedle -tog. He vill not pide you. I geeb him to trive avay de bad -leedle poy in de sthreed. You like to puy zome very coot<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> -glothing? I can zell you dot goat—for—Nein! <em>Teufel!</em> -Id is not dot? So! And you vand to speak to me aboud de -Shinamen? Vell, I dell you dot you gome yust to de righd -blace. You bedder don'd go no furder. You yust gome in -de back shtore. You take ein glas bier? you smoke ein gut -zigar?—no, not dot—I call him real Havana, bud I make -him up-shtairs. I gif you a bedder one as dot. So! I lighd -him for you. Now I shpeag mit you aboud dem Shinamen, -und you put vat I say in de baber, pecause de bublic ought -to know vat bad beoples dey ish. I keeb last year ein kleine -shop mit mein bruder—hish name is Zolomon—and ve haf -yust as coot glothes as dem dot you zee dere; and von day -dere gome in ein, zwei, drei Shinamen, and zay to me, 'How -do, John?' and I dell him dot my name ish not John; but -he only laugh. Den he zay, 'You got some coot glothes, -John? S'pose hab got, mi likee see.' I haf such vay of -shpeaking nefer heard, but I can a leedle undershtand, and -I t'ink dot he vill not know a coot goad ven he zee id, and I -show him some dot ish not of the brime qualidy, and vill -not last so long as dot kind as I show you, and I sharge him -a coot brice; and he look at him, and dry him on, and I dell -him dot id vill him very vell fit. Und den dish great rasgal -he say to me dot he has not much money got, but some leedle -box of very coot tea, und he make a pargain and shwop mit -me. Und I t'ink dot I make mit him a coot drade, und I -give him de goat, and dake de dea; and he say, 'Chin chin, -John,' and go out, and I don'd never see him no more. Und -vat you tink? ven I open dot dea, I find him one inch coot, -and below dot, noding but yust rubbish, and some schmall -bieces of iron to make him heavy. Und so, mein liebe Herr, -you can de reason undershtand dot I like not to have dot -Shinese beobles gome to New York."</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Scribner's Monthly.</span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>"DER DOG UND DER LOBSTER."</h2> - -<p class="center">(<cite>From the New York Clipper.</cite>)</p> - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Dot dog he vos dot kind of dog<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vot ketch dot ret so sly,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und squeeze him mit his leetle teeth,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und den dot ret vos die.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Dot dog he vas onquisitive<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vareffer he vas go,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und, like dot vooman, all der time<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Someding he vants to know.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vone day, all by dot market-stand<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vare fish und clams dey sell,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dot dog vas poke his nose aboud<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und find out vat he smell.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Dot lobster he vas took dot snooze<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Mit von eye open vide,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und ven dot dog vas come along<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot lobster he vas spied.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Dot dog he smell him mit his nose,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und scratch him mit his paws,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und push dot lobster all aboud,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und vonder vot he vas.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Und den dot lobster he voke up,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und crawl yoost like dot snail,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und make vide open ov his claws,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und grab dot doggie's tail.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Und den so quick as never vas<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot cry vent to der sky,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und, like dem swallows vot dey sing,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot dog vas homeward fly.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Yoost like dot dunderbolt he vent—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Der sight vas awful grand.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und every street dot dog vas turn,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Down vent dot apple-stand.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Der shildren cry, der vimmin scream,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Der mens fall on der ground;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und dot boliceman mit his club<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vas novare to pe found.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I make dot run und call dot dog,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und vistle awful kind;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dot makes no difference vot I say,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot dog don't look pehind.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Und pooty soon dot race vas end,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot dog vas lost his tail—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dot lobster I vas took him home,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und cook him in dot pail.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Dot moral vas, I tole you 'boud,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Pefore vas neffer known—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Don't vant to find out too much dings<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot vasn't ov your own!<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i32"><span class="smcap">Saul Sertrew.</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>"DER WRECK OF DER HEZBERUS."</h2> - - -<p class="center">(<em>Before Longfellow.</em>) -</p> - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">It vas der goot shkiff Hezberus,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot paddled cross der pond;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und dare vas dare der skibber's gal,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Of whom he vas so fond.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Green vos her eyes as summer peas,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Her cheeks I can't define,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Her boozum brown like pretzel cakes,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Her voice a vereful whine.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Mit pibe in mouth der skibber sat,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Wrabbed in an old pea koad,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und vatched his daughter koff and shneeze<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Ven schmoke got down hur throad.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Den up und spoke der paddle man,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">"Look 'ere, let's turn ride back,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A schwan lives 'ere, der peebles say,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vat likes to peck und hack.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">So let's turn back, mein master dear,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und from this voyage refrain,"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Der skibber blew schmoke oud his pibe,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und schmiled mit grim dishdain.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Den near und near der shkiff did got<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To vare dot schwan hung out;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Until at last, mit telesgope,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dey shpied his head und snowt.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vel, down it schwam und schmote der shkiff<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Mit all its might und main,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und made it shump dree times its length,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und den shump back again.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Come 'ere, come 'ere! mein leedle gal,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und do not dremble so,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For I can lick der biggest schwan<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot you to me can show."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">He wrabbed her in his old pea koad,—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">His joy, his life, his soul;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und mit a piece of paper twine<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He lashed her to a pole.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Oh, dad, I hear der dinner bell!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I feel shust like grub-struck."<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Vel, hold yer tongue now, Mary Ann,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und dry to bear your luck."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Oh, dad, I see dot schwan again!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He'll eat both you und me;"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But dad he answered not a vord,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">For stiff und frized vas he.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Den der goot girl she glasped her hands,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und through her frost-bit nose<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She said, "Now I avake to sleep,"<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot she might not be froze.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Und dare, through rain and hurrycane,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und through der schleet und schnow,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Der maiden prayed und begged der schwan<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To pick up stakes und go.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">But no; he schwam up to der wreck,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und den der fun began;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He knocked der fellers off der deck,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">But left shweed Mary Ann.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">He picked und pecked der Hezberus,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und lashed de pond to foam,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und made de poor, wee, leedle shkiff<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Look shust like honeycomb.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Den by der board der long bean-pole<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und Mary Ann did go;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und shust like lead der shkiff went down.<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Der schwan he roared, Ho! ho!<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">*<span style="margin-left: 20%">*</span><span style="margin-left: 20%">*</span><span style="margin-left: 20%">*</span><span style="margin-left: 20%">*</span><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">At break of day, beside der pond,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Poor Mary Ann vas found;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Her form vas cold un frozen stiff,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und to a bean-pole bound.<br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>SIGNS AND OMENS.</h2> - - -<p>"Hans, what do you think of signs and omens?"</p> - -<p>"Vell, I don't dinks mooch of dem dings, und I don't pelieve -averydings; but I dells you somedimes dere is someding -in sooch dings ash dose dings. Now, de oder night I -sits und reads mine newspaper, und mine frau she shpeak -und say,—</p> - -<p>"'Fritz, de dog ish howlin'.'</p> - -<p>"Vell, I don't dinks mooch of dem dings, und I goes on -und reads mine paper, und mine frau she say,—</p> - -<p>"'Fritz, dere is somedings pad is happen—de dog ish -howlin'.'</p> - -<p>"And den I gets oop mit mineself, and looks out troo de -vines on de porch; und de moon vas shinin', und mine leedle -dog he shoomp right up und down like averydings, and he -park at the moon dat was shine so prite ash never vas. Und -as I hauled mine het in de winter de old voman she say,—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span></p> - -<p>"'Mind, Fritz, I dells you dere ish somedings pad ish -happen. <em>De dog ish howlin.</em>'</p> - -<p>"Vell, I goes to pet, und I shleeps: und all night long, ven -I vakes up, dere vas dat dog howl outside; und ven I dream, -I hear dat howlin' vorser ash nefer. Und in de mornin' I -kits oop und kits mine <em>freestick</em> (breakfast),—und mine frau -she look at me, und say fery solemn;</p> - -<p>"'Fritz, dere ish somedings ish happen. De dog vas howl -all night.'</p> - -<p>"Und shoost den de newspaper comes in, and I opens him; -und, by shings! vot you dinks? <em>Dere vas a man died in -Philadelphia!</em>"</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>A DUTCHMAN'S ANSWER.</h2> - - -<p>Bill Jones was going to get married a day or two ago, -and he forgot whar de minister libed; so he started to find -him out, so as to hab him come to de house an' perform de -marriage ceremony. So, arter getting along down de road -for two or free miles, he became fearful ob gettin' on de -wrong track. So he says to a big Dutchman "I say, can -you tell me where Mr. Swackelhammer, de preacher, lives?" -and de Dutchman said, "Yaw. You just valk de road up -to de creek, an' down de pritch over up shtreme, den you -just go on till you cum to a road what vinds de woots -around a schoolhouse; but you don't take dat road. Vell, -den you go on till you meet a pig-pen shingled mit straw, -den you durn de road round de field, and go on till you -come to pig red house. Den you turn dat house around de -barn, and see a road dat goes up in de woots. Den you -don't take dat road too. Den you go straight on, and de -fust house you meet is a hay-stack, and de next is a barrack. -Vell, he don't live dere. Den you will get a little -furder, and you see a house on top de hill, about a mile; -and you go in dere an' ax de old voman, an' she will tell -you bedder as I can."</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>THE VAY RUBE HOFFENSTEIN SELLS.</h2> - - -<p>"Herman," said a Poydras street merchant clothier, -addressing his clerk, "haf ye sold all of dose overgoats vat -vas left over from last vinter?"</p> - -<p>"No, sir; dere vas dree of dem left yet."</p> - -<p>"Vell, ye must sell 'em right avay, as de vinter vill not -last, you know, Herman. Pring me one uf de goats and I -vill show you somedings about de pisness. I vill dell you -how ve vill sell dem out, und you must learn de pisness, -Herman; de vinter vas gone, you know, und ve hav had -dose goats in de store more as seex years."</p> - -<p>An eight-dollar overcoat was handed him by his clerk, -and smoothing it out, he took a buckskin money purse from -the showcase, and, stuffing it full of paper, dropped it into -one of the pockets.</p> - -<p>"How, Herman, my poy," he continued," vatch me sell -dat coat. I haf sold over dirty-fife uf dem shust de same -vay, und I vant to deech you de pisness. Ven de next -gustomer comes in de shop I vill show de vay Rube Hoffenstein, -my broder in Detroit, sells his cloding and udder -dings."</p> - -<p>A few minutes later a negro, in quest of a pair of suitable -cheap shoes, entered the store. The proprietor advanced -smiling, and inquired:</p> - -<p>"Vat is it you vish?"</p> - -<p>"Yer got any cheap shoes hyar?" asked the negro.</p> - -<p>"Blenty of dem, my frent, blenty; at any price you vant."</p> - -<p>The negro stated that he wanted a pair of brogans, and -soon his pedal extremities were encased in them, and a -bargain struck. As he was about to leave, the proprietor -called him back.</p> - -<p>"I ain't gwine ter buy nuffin else. I'se got all I want," -said the negro, sullenly.</p> - -<p>"Dot may be so, my dear sir," replied the proprietor, -"but I shust vants you to look at dis goat. It vas de pure -Russian vool, und dis dime last year you doan got dot same -goat for dwenty-five dollars. Mine gracious, clothing vos -gone down to noding, and dere vas no money in de pisness -any longer. You vant someding dot vill keep you from de -vedder, und make you feel varm as summer dime. De -gonsumption vas goin round, und de doctors dell me it vas<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> -the vedder. More dan nine beoples died roun vere I lif last -veek. Dink of dot. Mine frent, dot goat vas Russian vool, -dick and hevy. Vy, Misder Jones, who owns de pank on -Canal streed, took that goat home mit him yesterday, and -vore it all day, but it vas a leetle dight agross de shoulders, -und he brought it pack shust a vile ago. Dry it on, my dear -sir. Ah! dot vas all right. Mister Jones vas a rich man, -and he liked dot goat. How deep de pockets vas, but it vas -a leetle dight agross de shoulders."</p> - -<p>The negro buttoned up the coat, thrust his hands in the -pockets, and felt the purse. A peaceful smile played over -his face when his touch disclosed to his mind the contents -of the pockets, but he choked down his joy and inquired:</p> - -<p>"Who did you say wore this hyar coat?"</p> - -<p>"Vy, Mister Jones vot owns de bank on Canal streed."</p> - -<p>"What yer gwine to ax fur it?"</p> - -<p>"Dwenty dollars."</p> - -<p>"Dat's powerful high price fur dis coat, but I'll take it."</p> - -<p>"Herman, here, wrap up dis goat fur the schentleman, -and throw in a cravat; it will make him look nice mit de -ladies."</p> - -<p>"Nebber mind, I'll keep the coat on," replied the negro, -and pulling out a roll of money, he paid for it and left the -store.</p> - -<p>While he was around the next corner moaning over the -stuffed purse, Hoffenstein said to his clerk:</p> - -<p>"Herman, fix up anudder von of dose goats de same vay, -and doan forget to dell dem dot Mister Jones vot runs de -pank on Canal streed vore it yesterday."</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>A DUTCH RECRUITING OFFICER.</h2> - - -<p>The reader must picture a stout, big-bellied, short-haired -recruiting-officer, with a blue cap, broad, stiff frontispiece, a -short sword, blue uniform a size too small, and a raw customer -from "Faderland," with wooden shoes and a long-tailed -gray coat. The officer was after recruits for a German -regiment, and thus went for his susceptible countryman:—</p> - -<p>"Lo, dere, Hans! Be dat you?"</p> - -<p>"Yaw."</p> - -<p>"Come me to be a sojer man."</p> - -<p>"Nein!"</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p> - -<p>"Yaw, come. It be so nice!"</p> - -<p>"Nein! I gets shoots."</p> - -<p>"Nix. Py tam! it is better as good. It been foon all de -vile. You enlists mit me, you gets nine hundred dollars -bountish."</p> - -<p>"So?"</p> - -<p>"Yaw. And you gets such nice clothes as never vas. -Shust look at me."</p> - -<p>"So?"</p> - -<p>"Yaw. And in the morning, ven de trum peets, dat -ish de gurnel's gompliments to come an' git your schnapps -mit him."</p> - -<p>"So?"</p> - -<p>"Yaw. And purty soon, bime by, de trum peets again, -and dat ish de gurnel's gompliments to come eat some sourkrout -un sausage mit him, py dam!"</p> - -<p>"So, mynheer?"</p> - -<p>"Yaw, it ish so. Den purty soon, bime by, de trum peets, -an' dat ish de gurnel's gompliments to ride mit him in der -carriage to see your vrou or your Katrina. And den you -rides mit him all over de city mit him, and no costs you one -tam cent. And bime by de trum peets, and dat ish de gurnel's -gompliments to come and schmoke a bipe mit him! -And den bime by, purty soon, right away, de trum peets de -tuyful, and dat ish de gurnel's gompliments to come and -get you nine hundred tollars bountish, I tinks, but guess -not, py tam!"</p> - -<p>"Yaw! So goot?"</p> - -<p>"Yaw! And den de General and Bresident shake hands -mit you, and you eat krout mit de Bresident's vrou, and -shust live like one fighting rooster, by tam! And den in a -little wile you say der Bresident be one nice man, and you -gets another hundred tollars bountish; and de Bresident -makes one grand general mit you, purty soon I guess, but I -tink not. You go mit me?"</p> - -<p>"Yaw!"</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>DOT BABY OFF MINE.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Mine cracious! mine cracious! shust look here und see<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A Deutscher so habby as habby can pe!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Der beoples all dink dot no prains I haf got;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vas grazy mit trinking, or someding like dot:<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span> -<span class="i0">Id vasn't pecause I trinks lager und vine;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Id vas all on aggount off dot baby off mine.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Dot schmall leedle vellow I dells you vas qveer;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Not mooch pigger roundt as a goot glass of peer;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Mit a bare-footed hed, und nose but a schpeck;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A mout dot goes most to der pack off his neck;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und his leedle pink toes mit der rest all combine<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To gif sooch a charm to dot baby off mine.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I dells you dot baby vas von off der poys,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und beats leedle Yawcob for making a noise.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He shust has pecun to shbeak goot English too;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Says "Mamma" und "Papa," und somedimes "Ah, goo!"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You don'd find a baby den dimes oudt off nine<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dot vas qvite so schmart as dot baby off mine.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">He grawls der vloor ofer, und drows dings aboudt,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und poots eferyding he can find in his mout;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He dumbles der shtairs down, und falls vrom his chair,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und gifes mine Katrina von derrible sckare.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Mine hair shtands like shquills on a mat borcubine<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ven I dinks off dose pranks off dot baby off mine.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Dere vas someding, you pet, I don'd likes pooty vell,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To hear in der nighdt dimes dot young Deutscher yell,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und dravel der ped-room midout many clo'es,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vhile der chills down der shpine off mine pack quickly goes:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dose leedle shimnasdic dricks vasn't so fine<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dot I cuts oup at nighdt mit dot baby off mine.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vell, dese leedle schafers vas going to pe men,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und all of dese droubles vill peen ofer den:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dey vill vear a vhite shirt-vront inshtead off a bib,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und vouldn't got tucked oup at nighdt in deir crib.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vell, vell, ven I'm feeble, und in life's decline,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">May mine oldt age pe cheered py dot baby off mine!<br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>DOT LEETLE TOG UNDER DER VAGON.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Coom, vife," says goot oldt farmer Gray,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Git on your tings: dot's markets-tay.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ve'll go so quick vot ve can to town,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und pack again 'fore dot sun coomes down.<br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Shpot!</em> No: ve'll leave oldt Shpot behint."<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But Shpot he parked, und Shpot he vhined,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und soon made out his toggish mind<br /></span> -<span class="i4">To shteal avay under dot vagon.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Avay dey vent at a merry pace;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But some sad coomes into dot farmer's face;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und he said, "Poor Shpot! he did vant to come,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But maype dot's petter he's leaved at home.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He'll vatch de parn, und he'll vatch de cot,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und keep dose cattles out of de lot."<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"I'm not so sure of dot," growled Shpot,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">On a dog-trot under dot vagon.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">So soon as all dose tings vas sold,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und he gits his pay in silber und gold,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He shtarted home, a quarter past dark,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Across a lonesomely forest. <em>Hark!</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0">A robber shumps from pehind a tree:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Your money or your life!" says he.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">It's a cross-eyed moon, so he don't can see<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Dot leetle tog under de vagon.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Den Shpot parked vonce, und vonce he vhined,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und he grapped dot tief py de pants pehind;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He dragged him down in de mud und dirt;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He teared his coat, likevise his shirt;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und dot tief in de mud got nearly drowned,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und he don't could rise pooty kvick off de ground;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">So his lecks und arms de farmer bound,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Und histed him into dot vagon.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">So Shpot he safed de farmer's life,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Also his money, likevise his vife;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und now a hero grand und gay,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A silber necktie he vears to-day.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span> -<span class="i0">He goes verefer his master goes;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und you bet he holds pooty high his nose,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Mit lots of frients, und not any foes,—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot leetle tog under de vagon.<br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>SCHNITZERL'S VELOCIPEDE.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Hans Schnitzerl made a velocipede,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vone of dot newest kind;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">It didn't hafe no vheel before,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und der vasn't none pehind.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Aber dere vas vone in de middle, dhough,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dat's shust as sure as eggs;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und he shtraddled across dot axle,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Mit de vheel between his legs.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Und vhen he vants to shtart it off,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He paddled mit his feet,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und soon he made it gone so fast<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dat eferytings he beat.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">He took it out on Broadway vonce,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und shkeeted like de vind.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Phew! how he passed dot fancy schaps!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He leafed dem all pehind.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Dem fellers on dose shtylish nags<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Pulled up to see him pass;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und der Deutschers, all ockstonished, cried,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">"Potz tauzand! Vas ist das?"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">But faster shtill Herr Schnitzerl flew,—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">On, mit a ghastly schmile:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He didn't touch de ground, py Jinks,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Not vonce in half a mile.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">So vas it mit Herr Schnitzerl<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und his velocipede:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">His feet both shlipped right inside out<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vhen at its extra shpeed.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">He falled upon dot vheel, of course:<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot vheel like blitzen flew;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und Schnitzerl, he vas schnicht in vacht,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot schliced him grode in two.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i32"><em>Hans Breitmann.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>THE LATEST BARBARIE FRIETCHIE.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Id was droo der sdreeds of Fredericksdown;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Der red-hot zun he vas shine him down.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Bast der zaloons all filt mit bier,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Der rebel vellers valked on deir ear.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">All day droo Fredericksdown so fast,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Horses, und guns, und sozers bast.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Der rebel flags he shone him out so bridt,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">As if, by Jinks! he got some ridt.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vere vas der Onion flag? Der zun<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He look him down not on a vun.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Up jumped dot olt Miss Frietchie den,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Zo oldt by ninescore years and ten.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">She grabbed up der old flag der men haul down,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And fasen'd id quick by her nidtgown.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Den she sot by der vindow ver all could see,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dere vas none vot lofe dot flag so free.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Purty soon come ridin' up Stonewall Jack,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Sittin' from der mittle of his horse's back.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Under him brow he squint him's eyes.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dot flag! Dot make him great surprise.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Halt! each feller, make him sdill!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Fire! vas echoed from hill do hill.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Id busted der sdrings from dot nidtgown,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But Barbarie Frietchie, she vas around.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">She grabbed the flag again so guick,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und oud of the vindow her arms did sdick.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Obuse if you would dis olt bald head,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But leave alone dot flag!" she said.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Zo soon, so guick as Jack could do,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He holler him oud mit a face so blue:<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Who bulls a hair oud of dat bald head<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dies awful guick. Go aheat!" he said.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Und all dot day, und all dot nite,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Till efery rebel vas oud of site,<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Und leave behind him dot Fredericksdown,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dot flag he vas sthicken by dot nidtgown.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Dame Barbarie Frietchie's vork is done,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She don't forever get some fun.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Bully for her! und drop a tear<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For dot old vomans midout some fear.<br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>MR. HOFFENSTEIN'S BUGLE.</h2> - - -<p>"Mr. Hoffenstein," said Herman, as he folded up a pair -of pants, and placed them on a pile, "if you don't haf any -objections, I vould like to get from de store avay von efening, -und go mit de soldiers to de Spanish Fort."</p> - -<p>"Vell, Herman, I dinks you had better keep avay from de -soldiers," replied Hoffenstein, "und stay mit de store, because, -you know, you don't can put any confidence mit de -soldiers—I vill tell you vhy. Von day, vile I vas in Vicksburg -during de var, a cock-eyed soldier came in my store mit<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> -an old bugle in his hand, und he looks around. I asks him -vat he vants, und he buys a couple of undershirts; den -he tells me to keep his bundle and his bugle behind de -counter until he comes back. After de cock-eyed soldier -vent de store out, some more soldiers come in und valk all -around, vile dey look at de goods. 'Shentlemens,' I says, 'do -you vant anydings?'—'Ve are shust looking to see vat you -haf,' said one of dem; und after avile anodder says, 'Bill, -shust look dere at de bugle! de very ding de captain told us -to get. You know ve don't haf any bugle in de company for -dree months.—How much you ask for dot bugle?' I dells -dem dot I don't can sell de bugle, because it belongs to a man -vat shust vent oud. 'I vill gif you fifty dollars for it,' says -de soldier, pulling his money oud. I dells him I don't can -sell it, because it vasn't mine. 'I vill gif you one hundred -dollars,' he said. Mine gr-r-acious! Herman, I vants to sell -de bugle so bad dot I vistles. De soldiers dells me, vile dey -vas leaving de store, dot if I buy de bugle from de man vot -owns it, dey vill gif me one hundred und dwendy-five dollars -for it. I dells dem I vill do it. I sees a chance, you know, -Herman, to make some money py the oberation. Ven de -cock-eyed soldier comes back he says, 'Gif me my bundle -und bugle; I got to go to de camp.' I says, 'Mine frent, -don't you vant to sell your bugle?' He dells me no, und I -says, 'My little boy, Leopold, vot plays in de store, sees de -bugle, und he goes all around crying shust so loud as he can, -because he don't get it. Six times I takes him in de yard -und vips him, und he comes right back und cries for de -bugle. It shows, you know, how much drouble a man vill -haf mit a family. I vill gif you den dollars for it, shust to -please little Leopold.' De soldier von't dake it; und at last -I offer him fifty dollars, und he says, 'Vell, I vill dake fifty -dollars, because I can't vaste any more time: I haf to go to -de camp.' Afder he goes avay, I goes to de door, und vatches -for de soldiers vat vanted de bugle. I sees dem passing -along de street, und I says, 'My frents, I haf got de bugle;' -und dey say, 'Vell, hang it! vy don't you blow it?' Mine -gr-r-acious! Herman, vat you dink? All dem soldiers belong -to de same crowd, und dey make de trick to swindle me. -Levi Cohen, across de street, he finds it out, und efery day -he gets boys to blow horns in front of mine store, so as to -make me dink how I vas swindled. Herman, I dink you -had better stay mit de store."</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>FRITZ AND HIS BETSY FALL OUT.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Draw oop dem bapers, lawyer, und make 'em shtrong and lawful.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My house vas getting oopside oudt, und Baitsy she vas awful.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dere's no use talkin', ve can't agree. Sooch aickshuns I naifer saw;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To tell you der troot, between you und me, she vas vorse as a mudder-in-law.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ven I virst got married mit Baitsy, I liked her pooty vell,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But now she vas got more stubborn vot nopody can dell;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I've talked mit her togedder, vor two veeks aifery tay,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und der furder we vas togedder, der nearer ve vas avay.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Dot all gommenced aboudt der Pible: I youst took it down vrom der shelf,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dot's a ding I naifer look into mooch: you know how dot vas, yourself,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und I vas a-reading 'boudt Daniel, how he shoomped in der lion's den,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und youst a leedle farder along, I vas reading dem lines den<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vere it says, "Und Daniel got hees back oop—righdt oop against der vall;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Bud der lions don'd vas shkared—dey didn't do none notting at all."<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und ven I read dot shapter dru, ve both vas a goot deal puzzled;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und I says, "Baitsy, now I see how t'vas, dem lions must bin muzzled."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">She told me I vas lyin'; dot vas not vot it meant.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I said she vas anudder, und dot's youst der vay it vent;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und den she vas got awful mad, und dold me to my vace,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"I vish, py shinks! dot Dan vas oudt, und you vas een hees blace."<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Vell," I says, "I'm villings to shange mit Daniel; let heem comb und lif mit you,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und I'll go and shoomp een der lion's den, und enshoy myself better'n I do!"<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Bud vot een der dooce vould Daniel dink ov I ashk heem to shange mit me?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He vould say, 'Oh, no! I know Baitsy too vell. I vould rather shtay vere I be.'<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She shoomped righdt gwick vor der broomshtick, und vas goin' to gife me a douse;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Bud ven she turned roundt to shtruck me, she vas all alonein der house;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dot's der reason I comb to talk to you aboudt der varm und homeshtead.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dere moosht no vone trust Baitsy on my aggount: she left my board und bedshtead.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vone day she vanted soam vater, und dold me to go oud und pump it.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I dold her I vouldn't do it, und ov she didn't like she could lump it.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She shoked me oop against der vall, und shut my vindpipe off;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I tell you I seen shtars dot time, und I dought my head vas off.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Py krashus! She's liable to kill me mit vatefer she gets her hands on,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und I get mixed oop so, I can't tell vich endt my head shtands on.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She shtruck me vonce mit a cord-wood shtick, righdt on der shpine ov my back.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I lefd her home, und vrom dot day till dees—vor dree veeks—I didn't comb back.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I dell you, Meesder Lawyer, it beats all vot I've endoored,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Besides der money I've baid oudt to keeb my life enshoored.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Der more I dink ov dese dings, der less I vant to, sir,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und der more I dink ov Baitsy, der less I dink ov her.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Der virst time I aifer met her, I vas shtruck mit her vinning vay;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Bud now a shange vas tooken blace—I get shtruck in a deafferent vay.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dot time veil ve got married, she vas a lass een shkool,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und I vas youst aboudt the same—alas! I vas a vool.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">She alvays used to shmile so nice venefer I shanced to meet her,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I didn't dought she vould become sooch an orvul oogly creetur;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Bud shoore I vas meesdaken, und I got beat like der dooce;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ov you could only hear her, you'd dink her jaw vas loose.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vone day she says, "Shut oop your moudt! your blabbin' all der time!"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I says "I vouldn't do it"—dot's der kind ov a Dootchman I am.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und den, bevore I knew it, she took me by soorbrise,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und keeked me oudt der house, sir—righdt bevore my vace und eyes!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I tell you vat it vas, sir, I velt a goot deal put oudt,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To hafe my own belofed vife tell me to shut my moudt,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und, because I dought I vouldn't, to keek me oudt der door.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Youst on aggount sooch aickshuns, dot's vy I veel so sore.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I've yelled und shkolded at her until my droat vas hoarse;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Bud dot naifer didn't do no goot—she's gettin' vorse und vorse;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und I've made oop my mind oudt, dot vas my only course<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To comb here und get your adwice—und also a diworce.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">*<span style="margin-left: 20%">*</span><span style="margin-left: 20%">*</span><span style="margin-left: 20%">*</span><span style="margin-left: 20%">*</span><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">You talk 'boudt bein' henpecked, und ruled by voman's tongue,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I tell you vat it is, sir, I'm vorse off den Prigham Young.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">So wrode oop dot baper, lawyer, und draw it righdt avay,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und I'll take it home to Baitsy, und see vot she vill say.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Und den to-morrow morning I vill sell aiferyding I own,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und bid Baitsy und our shild goot-by, und go oudt een der vorld alone.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und ven I dink ov Baitsy a dousand milse avay,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I'll baed she'll vant to hafe me comb righdt back home und shtay.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Bud I naifer vill comb back again, unless she's tooken sick,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ov she is, you tailegraf me to comb back pooty gwick.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Remaimber vot I tell you, und don'd keeb me in soosbense;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Youst bay the tailegrafer, und sharge to my oxbense.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Dot puts me een mind ov someding dot I can't dink ov now;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I can't remaimber vot I vorget—dot beats all, ainyhow!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Oh! now I've got it—wrode it down, dot ven I'm dead und gone,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Baitsy'll bring back me to her, und bury me een der lawn.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und on my tombstone let it read, in ledders large und blain,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Here lies Shon Shtuffenheimer, and hees vife she is to blame."<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und I hope dot in a veek or two, righdt after I hafe died,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Baitsy und I vill both ov us be laying side by side.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Und ven Gabreel blows hees drumpet oop, und all der dead shall rise,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Baitsy und I vill both shoomp oop, and vipe our veeping eyes;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und den, if it looks doubtful, ve'll shtand righdt dere und vait,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und ven no vone vas lookin', ve'll shkweeze dru der Golden Gate.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i36"><span class="smcap">George M. Warren.</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>CUT, CUT BEHIND.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vhen shnow und ice vas on der ground,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und merry shleigh-bells shingle;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vhen Shack Frost he vas peen around,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und make mine oldt ears tingle—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I hear dhose roguish gamins say,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">"Let shoy pe unconfined!"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und dhen dhey go for efry shleigh,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und yell, "Cut, cut pehind!"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">It makes me shust feel young some more,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To hear dhose youngsters yell,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und eef I don'd vas shtiff und sore,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Py shings! I shust vould—Vell,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vhen some oldt pung was coomin' py,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I dink I'd feel inclined<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To shump right in upon der shly,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und shout, "Cut, cut pehind!"<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I mind me vot mine fader said<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vonce vhen I vas a poy,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Mit meeschief alvays in mine head,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und fool of life und shoy.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Now, Hans, keep off der shleighs," says he,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">"Or else shust bear in mind,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I dake you righdt across my knee,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und cut, cut, cut pehind!"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vell, dot vas years und years ago,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und mine young Yawcob too,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vas now shkydoodling droo der shnow,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Shust like I used to do;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und ven der pungs coom py mine house,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I shust peeks droo der plind,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und sings oudt, "Go id, Yawcob Strauss,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Cut, cut, cut, cut, pehind!"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i20"><em>Charles Follen Adams, in Harper's.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>TICKLED ALL OAFER.</h2> - - -<p>The Chief of Police yesterday had a visit from an old -farmer living out on the Center Line road, who had a story -to tell. After two or three efforts, he began:—</p> - -<p>"I vhas goin home, last night, ven I overtakes two men -on der roadt. Dose fellers dey laft, und saidt would I gif -'em a ride? I laft, too, und say, 'shump in.'"</p> - -<p>"Yes, I understand."</p> - -<p>"Pooty queek one feller laft, und saidt he likes Dutchmens, -'cause his uncle vas a Dutchmans. Dot vhas all -right, und so I laft, too. I vhas real tickled, und I shakes -all oafer."</p> - -<p>"Yes."</p> - -<p>"In a leetle vhile one feller vhants me to shange a seven-tollar -bill, so as he could gif some money to der orphan -assylums; und he lafts, ha! ha! ha! Dot tickled me some -more, und I lafts too. Den de odder feller, he grabs me py -der collar und pulls me down behind, und says dey looks in -my pockets for a shteampoat dot vos stolen from Detroit. -Dot makes us all laff, like some goot shoke."</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span></p> - -<p>"It must have been funny."</p> - -<p>"It vhas. Dose fellers took out my wallet and counted -oop der monish. I had shust ten tollar; und dey laft, und -said dot dey must go on some trips to der seashore mit dot. -Dot tickled me some more, und I laft, too."</p> - -<p>"Well, what then?"</p> - -<p>"Vhell, den dey shumped oud, und put deir fingers on der -noses, und says, 'Goot-py, old Dutchmans,' und avhay dey -goes like some horse-races."</p> - -<p>"And you didn't laugh at that?"</p> - -<p>"Vhell, not pooty much. I vhas all ready to, but I -shtopped. If dem fellers vhas up to shokes, it was all -right; but if they vhas robbers, I vhants you to catch 'em, -und gif 'em some pieces of my mind, like dunder. I doan' -like somepody to laff at me vhen they doan' feel tickled all -oafer."</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>AN ERROR O' JUDGMENT.</h2> - - -<p>We are a quiet, law-abiding people doon here in Saltcoats. -Indeed, I havna seen a polisman for sax weeks, an' trooly -when I think o' hoo happy we a' are I'm aye reminded o' -the hundred and thirty-third Saum.</p> - -<p>Being orderly folk, an' in oor beds at a proper oor, the -street-lamps are a' screwed oot every nicht at twal o'clock—an' -quite late eneuch tae, for if folk are no hame by that -time they should be. Oor gas, I may remark, is cheaper and -better than the Glasgow thing; altho' we don't make a great -wark aboot it bein' equal ta sae mony "caunle po'er," an' -ither nonsense o' that kin'. Bein' savin' folk, moreover, on -nichts when the mune's up the lamps are no lichtit at a'. -It wad be o' nae use, you see, an' a perfect throwin' awa o' -gas. But that brings me to what I was goin' tae say.</p> - -<p>The ither nicht, though it wis vera dark, no a lamp was -lichtet, a matter that rather bothered the inhabitants. By-an'-by -a few o' the principal folk cam' doon tae my place -jist as I wis closin', an' after a bit crack we made up oor -mind tae gie a ca' on the lamplighter. The reg'lar man wis<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> -through at Kirkliston—he's East country himsel', if I don't -mistak he belangs tae Manuel—buryin' his wife's auntie; -so it wis jist, as ye micht say, a depute-proxy that wis daein' -the wark. Weel, we daunnert up tae this depute-proxy's -hoose; bit he wis in bed, on' a' oor chappin' at the door -couldna rouse him. Seein' this, we borrow't a lether, frae a -slater that steys next door, an' twa o' the ithers steadin' it, -I crept up the rungs an' twirlt at the window wi' my fingers, -singin' a' the time—</p> - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">O are ye sleeping, Wullie!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">O are ye sleeping, Wullie!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">O are ye——<br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> - -<p>"Whit ye oh-in' at?" cries Wullie, comin' tae the window: -"a body wid think it wis some lass you were serenadin'."</p> - -<p>"Wullie," says I solemnly, "what's this ye hae been daein' -at a' at a'?"</p> - -<p>"I've been daein' naething but sleepin': it's you that's -kicking up the row."</p> - -<p>"But ye hivna lichtet the lamps the nicht."</p> - -<p>"This is no my nicht: it's the mune the nicht."</p> - -<p>"Surely ye've made a mistak, Wullie: there's nae mune -that I see."</p> - -<p>"I've made nae mistak, for I lookit the almanac."</p> - -<p>"But will ye no listen tae reason? Put yer heid oot an' -see for yersel'."</p> - -<p>Wullie put his heid oot. "Woel," he says, "there's nae -mune, certainly; but ye surely widna hae me responsible for -that. I go by the almanac; an' if it says there's to be a -mune, it's a' one tae me whether there's nae mune or a million -o' munes, not a lamp will I licht."</p> - -<p>"That's quite richt, Wullie: nae doot ye maun hae some -rule to go by—Gentlemen," I cries doon, "he has the best -o' the argument: what am I tae dae noo?"</p> - -<p>"Haul him oot the window," they cried up.</p> - -<p>"Oh! if ye're goin' tae begin fechtin' I'll come doon," I -replies, "and let some o' the rest o' ye up." But they cried, -that I'd better jist settle it when I wis there, so I says, -"Wullie, whit almanac d'ye go by? Is't Orr's, or the -Belfast?"</p> - -<p>"Here it's up on the mantlepiece, ye can see it for yersel';" -and he took it doon, an' held it oot tae me, giein' me a cannle -at the same time to read it by. One look, hooever, explained<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> -the hale affair. "Gracious guidness, Wullie," I cries, "this -is last year's!"</p> - -<p>"Eh! what! last year's?"</p> - -<p>"It is that," says I.</p> - -<p>"Mr Kaye," says Wullie, "don't say another word. Wait -a minute, an' I'll put on my troosers, an' in hauf an oor -every lamp'll be shinin' sae that ye wid think it wis a general -illumination."</p> - -<p>He wis as guid as his word; an' we a' accompanied him on -his rounds, an' the cheers the laddies gied as each lamp wis -lichtet wid 'a' dune yer hert guid. We had a meetin' in the -coalree afterwards; an' I proposed that Wullie, for his strict -attention tae duty—it was only an error o' judgment he had -made, very different frae carelessness—should get the first -vacant place we had, at a guid wage; an' the motion wis -carried, an' Wullie an' us a' went hame happy.</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>SOCKERY KADAHCUT'S KAT.</h2> - - -<p>Oh! I had de vorst dime lasd veek dot you effer saw. -Katrina (dot vos mine frau) vent avay to make a liddle bicnic, -und as I vas been hafin' de shake und agers und didn't -feel pooty goot, I shtayed to home.</p> - -<p>Vell, as I vas valkin' arount de parn yart, I saw dot same -olt plue hen coom out from unter der parn sayin': "Kut, -kut, ka-dah-kut; kut, kut, ka-dah-kut," und dot puts me in -mint of a shoke dot Katrina mait on me von tay: she sait -dot I autto vas bin a olt rooster, cos de hens called me -effery dime ven day lait a aigs. Dot vas a pooty goot shoke -on me. Vell, as I vas saying, I saw dot olt plue hen coom -out from unter de parn, und I tought to myself, meppy dere -vas a nest of aigs unter dere; so I pull oud half a tozzen -more sdones, und mait a hole so pig as I can crawl unter, -und den as I vas crawlin' arount unter a lookin' for some -nest mit aigs, all at once I spiet de pootiest liddle kat vat I -effer seen; he vas all plack mit vite shtripes, und vas shnuggled -ub in a little pall fahst asleeb.</p> - -<p>Vell, ve vas bin vantin' a kat because dere vas so many -mouses in de house, und I tought uf I kin git dot von I'll -make Katrina a little surbrise barty; so I krawl along so sdill -as never vas, till I got ub close to him, den I mait a grab<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> -und I ketched him by the neck so dot he dont kin pite me; -but ach, mine gootness, vat shmell, vorse as a huntred parrels -of limburgher! <em>I tought I had stepped on someding dot -vas deat, und proke him mit my knees.</em> I vas most shoke mit -dot shmell; but I held dot liddle kat up close to me und -klimb oud so kwick as I can. Ven I got oud in de parn yart, -dere vas pig Chake Moser goin' py, und ven he seen me, -he sait, "Sockery, you olt deutch fool, vot are you doin' mit -dot skunk?"—"Shkunk!" I sait, "I tought dot vas a liddle -kat;" und I drop him so quick like he was hot.</p> - -<p>Vell, Chake, he laf like he vould kill himself; und I ask him -vot I kin do to git me off dot shmell. He sait dot de only ding -vas to be perried in de ground till de earth absorp de shmell; -und he sait he vould tig de hole und fix me in, if I vish. -Vell, I dink dot is very goot of Chake, und I tought if I can -get me dot shmell off before Katrina cooms home, I von't -say any ding about dot liddle kat to anypody. So Chake -dig de hole, und I sit down in it und vas perried up to de -neck; den Chake sait he vas in a hurry und he must go to -de willage, und he vent avay. Booty soon kwick a fly lite -on my face, und I koodn't prush him off, cos my arms vas -perried doo; und booty soon more as a hundret flies und -effery ding vas krawl all ofer my het, und I shpit and plow, -und vink my face dill I tink I vas gone crazy. Bimepy I -heart a noise doun de roat, und I looked und dere vas apoud -every man, vooman, und shildren in de willage, mit shpades, -mit bic-axes, mit shuffles, mit efery dings, und all runnin rite -ub de hill to my house; in a minnit more as dwenty vas in -der yart, und ven dey see me perried to de chin, und vinkin -und shpitten at dem flies, dere eyes shtuck oud more as a -half a feet, und Dick Klaus sait, "<em>Vot vas you doin dere, -Sockery?</em>"</p> - -<p>Vell, I see dot dere vas no use drying to keep dot shdill, -so I told dem all aboud dot liddle kat; und, my chimminy -cracious! you kood hear dem fellows laff more as a mile.</p> - -<p>You see dot shackass of a Chake Moser run und told dem -in de willage dot dere vas a man perried alive up to Kadahcut's, -so of course eferypody coom to git him oud.</p> - -<p>Vell, dey tig me oud, und I trow away dem clothes, und -vash, und vash; but ven Katrina coom ad nide, I shmell so -dot she mait me sleeb in de parn for a whole veek.</p> - -<p>I tink I shall moof avay; eferypody vants to know if I -vant to py a kat, und I don'd kan shtand dis much longer -yet.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>I VASH SO GLAD I VASH HERE!</h2> - -<p class="center">A HUMOROUS RECITATION.</p> - - -<p>One who does not believe in immersion for baptism was -holding a protracted meeting, and one night preached on -the subject of baptism. In the course of his remarks he -said that some believe it necessary to go down into the -water, and come up out of it, to be baptized. But this he -claimed to be fallacy; for the preposition "into" of the -Scripture should be rendered differently, as it does not mean -<em>into</em> at all times. "Moses," he said, "we are told, went up -into the mountain; and the Saviour was taken up into a -high mountain, etc. Now, we do not suppose either went -into a mountain, but went unto it. So with going down -into the water: it means simply going down close by or near -to the water, and being baptized in the ordinary way by -sprinkling or pouring." He carried this idea out fully, and -in due season closed his discourse, when an invitation was -given for any one so disposed to rise and express his thoughts. -Quite a number of his brethren arose and said they were -glad they had been present on this occasion, that they were -well pleased with the sound sermon they had just heard, -and felt their souls greatly blessed. Finally, a corpulent -gentleman of Teutonic extraction, a stranger to all, arose -and broke the silence that was almost painful, as follows:—</p> - -<p>"Mister Breacher, I is so glad I vash here to-night, for I -has had explained to my mint some dings dat I neffer could -pelief before. Oh, I is so glad dat into does not mean into -at all, but shust close by or near to; for now I can pelief -many dings vot I could not pelief pefore. We reat, Mr. -Breacher, dat Taniel vash cast into de ten of lions, and came -out alife. Now I neffer could pelief dat, for wilet peasts -would shust eat him right off; but now it is fery clear to -my mint. He vash shust close py or near to, and tid not -get into de ten at all. Oh, I ish so glad I vash here to-night! -Again, we reat dat de Heprew children vash cast -into de firish furnace, and dat always look like a peeg story -too, for they would have been purnt up; but it ish all blain -to my mint now, for dey was shust cast py or close to de -firish furnace. Oh, I vash so glad I vash here to-night! -And den, Mr. Breacher, it ish said dat Jonah vash cast into<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> -de sea, and taken into de whale's pelly. Now I neffer could -pelief dat. It alwish seemed to me to be a peeg fish story, -but it ish all blain to my mint now. He vash not into de -whale's pelly at all, but shump onto his pack and rode -ashore. Oh, I vash so glad I vash here to-night!</p> - -<p>"And now, Mr. Breacher, if you will shust exblain two -more bassages of Scriptures, I shall be oh, so happy dot I -vash here to-night. One of dem ish vere it saish de vicked -shall be cast into a lake dat burns mit fire and primstone -alwish. Oh, Mr. Breacher, shall I be cast into dat lake if I -am vicked, or shust close py or near to—shust near enough -to be comfortable? Oh, I hope you tell me I shall be cast -only shust py a good vays off, and I will pe so glad I vash -here to-night. De oder bassage is dat vich saish, blessed are -they who do these commandments, dat dey may have right -to de dree of life, and enter in droo de gates of de city, and -not shust close py or near to,—shust near enough to see vat -I have lost,—and I shall pe so glad I vash here to-night!"</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>DOT SHLY LEEDLE RASKEL.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I kin saw you, you shly leedle raskel,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">A-beekin' ad me drough dot shair!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Come here righd away now und kiss me—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">You doughd I don't know you vas dere.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You all der dime hide from your fader,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und subbose he can't see mit his eyes,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You vas goin' to fool me—eh, Fritzey?—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und gafe me a grade big surprise?<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Dot boy vas a rekular monkey—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dere vas noding so high he don'd glimb;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und his mudder, she says dot his drousers<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vants new bosoms in dem all der dime.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He vas schmard, dough, dot same leedle feller,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und he sings all der vile like a lark,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">From vonce he gids up in der mornin'<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dill ve drofe him to bed afder dark.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">He's der bussiest von in der family,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und I bed you de louder he sings<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He vas raisin' der dickens mit some von—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He vas up to all manner of dings.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He vos beekin' away, dot young raskel,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Drough der shair—Moly Hoses! vot's dot?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dot "son-of-gun" mit a sceesors<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Is cut off der dail of der cat!<br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>A JEW'S TROUBLE.</h2> - -<p class="center">HURWOOD.</p> - - -<p>Vot a coundry dot is, anyvays! unt vot a peebles! Ye -poor Shews don'd got some quietness anyveres. Ve vas been -persecooted! dot is vot it is. Yust lisden vonce, vat droubles -I haf by mineself.</p> - -<p>In the vorst blace my name vos Isaacs—dot is my lasd name: -my vrond name vas Solomon, unt I keeps me a nice leedle -cloding schtore in de Powery. You oughd to seen it vonce! -I got me eferyt'ing in dot schtore. Vell, von day last veek -a nice cushdomer, vot liefed in Yarsey, come in, unt I sells -him a peautiful coat very sheep. Von he pud id on, id vas -a leedle, <em>yust a leedle</em>, full preasded in de pack; bud I got -dot coat ub in my handt, so he did nod know it vas too pig -enough. I dold him dot vas <em>peautiful</em> fid—yusd like it vas -made for him!</p> - -<p>"Of you don'd peleef dot," says I, "I galls my vife. -Maria, don'd dot coat fid dot shentlemans?"</p> - -<p>"Yah, Solomon, dot vas a loafly fid, for sure!" said Maria.</p> - -<p>So dot shentleman buy dot coat, and giefe me yust vot I -asked, und nefer said vonce, "I giefe you hafe of dot brice," -or somedings like dot, und I vas mad yust like a hornet dot I -didn'd ask him dwice as mooch!</p> - -<p>But vot has all dot got to do mit my droubles?</p> - -<p>Nix!</p> - -<p>Veil, go ahade!</p> - -<p>Von day I gone me oud for a leedle valk, und vas scmoking -von of dose real Hafana segars vot you buy dree for den -cents, ven ub comes a pig, bulled-headed mans, vot hafe his -hair all viled off, und he busds me in de schnood righd avay<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span> -quick, pefore I know me some dings; unt, as my nose don'd -vas fery schmall, it hurd me like fury.</p> - -<p>"Vot de madder is, ain'd it?" said I. "Vot for you hid -me dot vay?"</p> - -<p>"Pecause you vas a <em>Shew</em>; dot is vot de madder vas!" -said that old fighder.</p> - -<p>"Vell, vot if I vas a Shew? I don'd do somedings by -you! I don'd know you anyvays."</p> - -<p>Unt den he giefe id do me again righdt in my left ear.</p> - -<p>"Dot ish pecause you vas a Shew vot <em>killed de Saviour</em>! -Dot is vy I hid you; und I'll busd efery hook nose vot I -meed!"</p> - -<p>"Vot hafe I got to do mit dot, anyvays? Id vas more ash -a dousand years ago ven dot habbened, und I vas nod borned -yet! You pig shackass, vot you means, anyvays?"</p> - -<p>"Vell," says old schwell headt, "dot makes me nod different! -I don'd hear me noding about it <em>till lasd nightd</em>, unt -I'm going to 'put a headt' on every Shew I see, for doin' -it!"</p> - -<p>Vell, dot vas pig fool anyvays; so I left him and gone me -home to Maria, und she pud mustard boultice on my schmeller. -I vill sent dot feller up to blay "scheckers mit his -nose," yust so soon as I catch him again!</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>DER MULE SHTOOD ON DER STEAMBOAD -DECK.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Der mule shtood on der steamboad deck,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">For der land he wouldn't dread.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dhey tied a halder rount his neck,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und vacked him over der headt.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">But obstinate and braced he shtood,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">As born der scene do rule.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A creature of der holt-back brood,—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">A shtubborn, shteadfast mule.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Dhey cursed and shwore, bud he vould not go<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Undill he felt inclined;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und dough dhey dundered blow on blow,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He aldered nod his mind.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Der boats-boy to der shore complained,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">"Der varmint's bound do shtay!"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Shtill ubon dot olt mule's hide<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Der sounding lash made blay.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">His masder from der shore reblied,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">"Der boads aboud do sail;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">As oder means in vain you've dried,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Subbose you dwist his dail.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"I dhink dot dat vil magke him land."<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Der boats-boy, brave, dough bale,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Den near drew mit oudstretched hand,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Do magke der dwist avail.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Dhen game a kick of thunder sound!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot boy—oh, vhere vas he?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ask of der vaves dot far around<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Beheld him in der sea.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">For a moment nod a voice was heard;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Bud dot mule he vinked his eye,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">As dhough to ask, to him occurred,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">"How vas dot for high?"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i38"><span class="smcap">Anon.</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>TEACHING HIM THE BUSINESS.</h2> - - -<p>"Herman," said a Poydras-street merchant clothier, addressing -his clerk, "haf ve sold all of dose overgoats vat vas -left over from last vinter?"</p> - -<p>"No, sir; dere vas dree of dem left yet."</p> - -<p>"Vell, ve must sell 'em right avay, as the vinter vill not -last, you know, Herman. Pring me one uf de goats und I -vill show you somedings about de pisness. I vill tell you -how we vill sell dem oud, und you must learn de bisness, -Hermann; de vinter vas gone, you know, und ve hav had -dose goats in de store more es seex years."</p> - -<p>An eight-dollar overcoat was handed him by his clerk, -and, smoothing it out, he took a buckskin money-purse from -the showcase, and stuffing it full of paper, dropped it into -one of the pockets.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p> - -<p>"Now, Herman, my poy," he continued, "vatch me sell -dot goat. I haf sold over dirty-fife uv dem shust de same -vay, und I vant to deech you de pisness. Yen de nexd gustomer -comes in de shop I vill show de way Rube Hoffenstein, -mine broder in Detroit, sells his cloding und udder -dings."</p> - -<p>A few minutes later a negro, in quest of a suitable pair of -cheap shoes, entered the store. The proprietor advanced -smiling, and inquired—</p> - -<p>"Vat is it you vish?"</p> - -<p>"Yer got any cheap shoes hyar?" asked the negro.</p> - -<p>"Blenty uf dem, my frient, blenty; at any brice you vant."</p> - -<p>The negro stated that he wanted a pair of brogans; and -soon his pedal extremities were encased in them, and a bargain -struck. As he was about to leave, the proprietor called -him back.</p> - -<p>"I ain't gwine to buy nuffin' else. I'se got all I want," -said the negro sullenly.</p> - -<p>"Dot may be so, my dear sir," replied the proprietor, "but -I shust vants you to look at dis goat. It vas de pure Russian -wool, und dis dime last year you doan got dot same goat -for twenty-five dollars. Mine gracious! cloding vas gone -down to noding, and der vas no money in de pisness any -longer. You vant someding dot vill keep you from de vedder, -und make you feel varm as summer-dime. De gonsumption -vas going round, und de doctors dell me it vas de -vedder. More den nine beobles died round vere I lif last -week. Dink of dot! Mine frient, dot goat vas Russian -vool, dick und hevy. Vy, Misder Jones, who owns der pank -on Canal Streed, took dot goat home mit him yesterday, und -vore it all day; but it vas a leedle dight agross de shoulders, -und he brought it pack shust a vile ago. Dry it on, my -dear sir. Ah! dot vas all righd. Misder Jones vas a rich -man und he liked dot goat. How deep de pockets vas! but -it vas a leedle dight agross de shoulders."</p> - -<p>The negro buttoned up the coat, thrust his hands in the -pockets and felt the purse. A peaceful smile played over -his face when his touch disclosed to his mind the contents of -the pockets, but he choked down his joy and inquired—</p> - -<p>"Who did you say wore this hyar coat?"</p> - -<p>"Vy, Misder Jones, vot owns de pank on Canal Streed.</p> - -<p>"What yer gwine to ax for it?"</p> - -<p>"Dwenty dollars."</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p> - -<p>"Dat's pow'ful high price fur dis coat, but I'll take it."</p> - -<p>"Herman! here, wrap up this goat for de schentleman and -drow in a cravat; it vill make him look nice mit de ladies."</p> - -<p>"Nebber mind, I'll keep de coat on," replied the negro; -and pulling out a roll of money he paid for it and left the -store.</p> - -<p>While he was around the next corner moaning over the -stuffed purse, Hoffenstein said to his clerk:—</p> - -<p>"Herman, fix up anudder vun of dose goats de same vay; -and doan forget to dell dem dot Misder Jones vot run de -pank on Canal Streed vore it yesterday."</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>DER GOOD-LOOKIN SHNOW.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Oh! dot shnow, dot goot-lookin shnow,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vhich makes von der shky out on tings below,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und yoost on der haus vhere der shingles vas grow,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You come mit some coldness, vherefer you go;<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Valtzin und pblayin und zinging along,—<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Goot-lookin shnow, you dond cood done wrong.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ofen of you make on some oldt gal's scheek,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">It makes notting tifferent, ofer das shendlesom freak.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Goot-lookin shnow, von der glouds py der shky,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You vas bully mit cold vedder, und bully von high.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Oh! dot shnow, dot goot-lookin shnow,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Yoost dis vay und vot you make vhen you go;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Fhlyin aroundt, you got matness mit fun,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und fhreeze makes der nose of efery von;<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Lafein, runnin, mit gwickness go py,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Yoost shtobbin a leedle, den pooty gwick fhly;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und efen der togs, dot vas out in der vet,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vood shnab at der bieces vhich makes on dhere hedt.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Der peobles vas grazy, und caddles vood crow<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und say how you vas, you goot-lookin shnow.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Und so gwick you vas dhere, und der vedder did shnow,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dhey shpeak out in dones so shweeder as low,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und der shleigh-riders, too, vas gone py in der lite,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You dond cood saw dhem, dill quite out of site.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span> -<span class="i4">Schwimmen, shkimmen, fhlirdin dhey go<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Rect on der tob of dot goot-lookin shnow.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dot shnow vas vhite glean vhen it comes der shky down,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und yoost so muddy like mud, vhen it comes of der town;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To been valked on py more as dwo hoondret fife feet,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dill gwick, vas yoost lookin so phlack like der shtreet.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vell, I vas yoost lookin vonce so goot like dot shnow,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But I tumbled me off, und vay I did go;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Nicht so glean, like der mut dot growed on der shtreet,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I vas shcraped von der poots off, of der peobles I meet.<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Dinkin und shworin, I like of I die,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">To been shtiff like a mackerel mit no von to buy;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vhile I trink me some lager to got a shquare meal,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I vas afraid von der ghosts mine pody vood shteal.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Got in Himmel! how ish dot? Vas I gone down so low,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vhen I vonce vas so vhiteness like dot goot-lookin shnow?<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Yah, for dhrue, I vas told you, I vas vonce pure like dot shnow,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Mit blaindy of lofe, von mine heart out vas grow;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I dink von dhem efery von, and dhey dink von me too,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und I vas humpugged mit fhladeries, dot's yoost vot dhey do.<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Mine Fadder, Mudder, Gabruder der same,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Vas loose me some sympadies, und forget vonce mine name;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und dot raskals who comes of me in der tarkness py nite,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vood gone more as a plocks to got out of mine site,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Der coat von mine leeks und poots of mine toe,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vas not gleaner as doze of dot goot-lookin shnow.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">It was gweer it shood been dot dot goot-lookin shnow<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vood make on a pad mans mit novhere to go;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und how gweer it vood been, vhen yoost pehindt tay,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ofer der hail und das vind mit mine pody vood pblay,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Hobbin, skibben, und me dedt like an eel—<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Mine mat vas got oop, never a vord could I shpeil,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To been zeen py der peobles who vas valk der town,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Who vas dickled mit pbleasures, of der shnow vas come down,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I yoost lay der ground, und gone died mit a woe,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Mid a pedgwilts und billows, von der goot-lookin shnow.<br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>HOW JAKE SCHNEIDER WENT BLIND.</h2> - - -<p>In Germantown, near Philadelphia, several years ago, a -native, simple-minded Dutchman, named Jacob Schneider, -kept a liquor and lager-beer saloon. Jacob was not only -fond of drinking lager with his customers, but would not -refuse either corn-juice, red-eye, or Jersey lightning, when -asked to imbibe thereof in a social way—the customer, of -course, paying an extra half-dime for Jacob's drink. One -would not suppose that this friendly habit could, by any -possibility, bring trouble and vexation upon honest Jacob; -but it did, as we shall presently show.</p> - -<p>One eventful night it was observed that Schneider had -shut up his saloon and gone home full an hour earlier than -usual. Being asked, next day, what was the matter, he told -the following droll story:—</p> - -<p>"I shut up mine blace pecause I vas mat as ter tyfel, and -vas humpugged into der pargain. I'll tell you 'pout it. Yer -see, dree or four young shcamps gomes into mine saloon, and -one says to me, 'Yacob, you got some fresh lager?' I says -'yaas,' and I draws der lager; anoder von says he vants -gards, and I prings de gards, and da blays gards. Pimeby -noder says, 'Yacob, old poy, let's have some red-eye! and -mind you, Yacob, pring an extra glass for yourself.' Vell -den, I prings der pottle of ret-eye, and da drinks two dree -dimes, and I drinks mit 'em two dree dimes; and I gets so -tam trunk dat I lies down on der pench and goes to shleep. -Ven I vakes up, der room ish dark as der tyfel, put I hears -der young chaps calling der gards; von says, 'bass!' nodder -says, 'left power!—right power!' den nodder von, he says, -'uker'd!' and shwears like a drooper. Da vas all blaying -at der taple, shust as da vas ven I goes to shleep, but mine -eyes vas nix—I could shust see notting at all—the room -vas bitch dark. So I dinks I vas plind, and I feel pad, and -I cry out, 'Oh, mine Gott! I p'lieve I'm shtruck plind!' -Den der young chaps leaves der taple and gomes vhere I vas, -and makes p'leeve da very sorry. One says, 'Poor Yacob! -you can no see—vat vill der poor man's vamerly do!' Nodder -call me poor cuss, and says I no pusiness to trink noding -stronger dan lager. I got mat den—mat as dunder—and -I says to him, 'Vy, den, you vants me to drink it mit you? -I p'leeve you put shtuff in der liquor to make me plind!'<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> -Den he laughs at me, and says I needn't trink if I didn't pe -a mind to. Shust den von little poy gomes to der door mit -a lantern, and I finds der drick da vas blaying me—I -see shust as goot as ever! Der rascals had plow out der -lights, and make p'leeve play uker to vool me! I told 'em -'twas all humpug, and they petter glear out, for I vouldn't -light up no more. Dat's vat mine shaloon vas shut up for."</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>THE DUTCHMAN AND THE RAVEN.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vonce upon a midnite dreary, as I pondered, veak and veary,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ofer many a glass of lager, vot I drank in days of yore,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">In my bed I vas faschd nabbing, ven I dream I heert some dapping,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">As if some von gently drowing brickbats at my voodshed door;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Dis dot Snyder poy," I muttered, "trying to preak my voodshed door—<br /></span> -<span class="i12">Only dis, und noding more."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Yah, disdinctly I remember, it was in dot pleak December,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und each seberate dying ember vos gone oud long pefore;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dot nide I felt quoide heardy, for Louise vent to a bardy,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und of cause I drunk more lager as I nefer did pefore;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But schdill I know dot somedings sthruck my oudside voodshed door—<br /></span> -<span class="i12">Only dot, und noding more.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">From oud mine bed I makes von jumb, und see vot vos dis drubble,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Mine Got! vot makes mine legs so veak? I feel so not pefore;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I sckarce could valk, I could not talk, mine mind was in a muddle;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But I dought vas Johnny Snyder dryin' to open schud mine door,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und mit cabbage-sdumps to hit me, as he often doned pefore—<br /></span> -<span class="i12">Dis I said, und noding more.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Py und py I vos got praver; den I takes mine gun and sabre,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und schloly valks, midout mine pants, up to mine voodshed door;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und dare for von half hour I sdood mitout no power,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">So veak I vos I could not lift mine hands up any more;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But at vonce I got more polder, und I opened vide de door—<br /></span> -<span class="i10">Plack as darkness, noding more.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Deep into dot plackness peeping, all around mine voodshed creeping,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dreaming dreams no Dutchman efer dare to dream pefore.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Der silence vos unbroken, und der sdillness gave no token;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But I hear somepody spoken, "You vill vare dem pants no more."<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Vot is dot?" I cried, and someding answered back the vord, "No more."<br /></span> -<span class="i10">Merely dis, und noding more.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Back indo my bedroom turning, all mine sole mitin me burning,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Den vonce more I heert a tapping, someding louder as pefore.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Now I cries out, "Dunder vedder! vot the devil ish the madder?"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Surely dis ain't Johnny Snyder hitting cabbage mit mine door?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">No! I dink dis cannot be, for I bet, by geminee!<br /></span> -<span class="i10">'Twas the vind, und noding more.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Oben here I flung mine vindow, ven dere all at vonce came into<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A ding just like a big plack cat I never saw pefore;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Von fearful vink he gafe me, not von moment sdoped nor sdayed he;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">His pack he humped, und den he jumped upon mine bedroom door.<br /></span> -<span class="i10">Dare he sat, und noding more.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">The air dew vas so funny, for it schmells no more like honey,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und den I squease mine nose hard until it vas quide sore;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Den vonce I cried mid all my mide, "I vant to vare mine pants to-night,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und of you dink dot I vos dighd, chust chumped down of dot floor;"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Again I heard it gently say: "You'll vare dem pants no more."<br /></span> -<span class="i12">Dis it said, und noding more.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Profid," said I, "ding of efil; profid sdill, if dorg or devil,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For vot you comes into mine house? I vant you here no more;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Leafe no ding here as a doken of dot lie vich you hafe spoken;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You go home, I vas not joking, for I told you vonce pefore,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Chust dake dot smell frum out mine house, und jump down off mine door!"<br /></span> -<span class="i12">But it vinked, und said no more.<br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>THE DUTCHMAN WHO GAVE MRS. -SCUDDER THE SMALL-POX.</h2> - - -<p>Some years ago, a droll sort of a Dutchman was the driver -of a stage in New Jersey, and he passed daily through the -small hamlet of Jericho. One morning, just as the vehicle -was starting from Squash Point, a person came up and requested -the driver to take in a small box, and "leave it at -Mrs. Scudder's, third house on the left after you get into -Jericho."</p> - -<p>"Yaas, oh yaas, Mr. Ellis, I knows der haus!" said the -driver," I pleeve der voman dakes in vashin', vor I always -sees her mit her clothes hung out."</p> - -<p>"You're right, that's the place," said Ellis (for that was -the man's name), "she washes for one of the steamboats."</p> - -<p>The box was thereupon duly deposited in the front boot, -the driver took his 'leven-penny bit for carrying it, and the -stage started on its winding way. In an hour or two, the -four or five houses comprising the village of Jericho hove in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> -sight. In front of one of them, near the door, a tall, muscular -woman was engaged at a wash-tub; while lines of white -linen, fluttering in the wind, ornamented the adjoining lawn. -The stage stopped at the gate, when the following ludicrous -dialogue, and attendant circumstances, took place:—</p> - -<p>Driver—Is dis Miss Scutter's haus?</p> - -<p>Woman [looking up, without stopping her work,]—Yes, -I'm Mrs. Scudder.</p> - -<p>Driver—I'fe got der small pox in der stage; vill you -come out and dake it?</p> - -<p>Woman [suddenly throwing down the garment she was -washing]—Got the small-pox! Mercy on me! why do you -stop here, you wicked man? You'd better be off, quick as -you can. [Runs into the house.]</p> - -<p>Driver mutters to himself—I vonder vat's der matter mit -der fool; I'fe goot mind to drow it over der fence.</p> - -<p>Upon second thought, he takes the box, gets off the stage, -and carries it into the house. But in an instant he reappears, -followed by a broom with an enraged woman at the -end of it, who is shouting in a loud voice—</p> - -<p>"You git out of this! clear yourself quicker! You've no -business to come here exposing decent people to the small-pox; -what do you mean by it?"</p> - -<p>"I dells you it's der shmall <em>pox</em>!" exclaimed the Dutchman, -emphasising the word box as plainly as he could—"Ton't -you versteh?—der shmall <em>pox</em> dat Misther Ellis -sends to you."</p> - -<p>But Mrs. Scudder was too much excited to comprehend -this explanation, even if she had listened to it. Having it -fixed in her mind that there was a case of small-pox on the -stage, and that the driver was asking her to take into the -house a passenger thus afflicted, her indignation knew no -bounds. "Clear out!" exclaimed she, excitedly, "I'll call -the men folks if you don't clear!" and then shouting at the -top of her voice, "Ike! you Ike! where are you?" Ike -soon made his appearance, and inquired—</p> - -<p>"W-what's the matter, mother?"</p> - -<p>The driver answered—"I dells you now onct more, for -der last time, I'fe got der shmall pox; and Misther Ellis he -dells me to gif it to Miss Scutter, and if dat vrow ish Miss -Scutter, vy she no dake der pox?"</p> - -<p>By this time several of the passengers had got off the stage -to see the fun, and one of them explained to Mrs. Scudder<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> -that it was a box, and not small-pox, that the driver wished -to leave with her.</p> - -<p>The woman had become so thoroughly frightened that -she was still incredulous, until a bright idea struck Ike.</p> - -<p>"Oh, mother!" exclaimed he," I know what 'tis—it's -Madame Ellis's box of laces, sent to be done up."</p> - -<p>With this explanation the affair was soon settled, and -Mistress Scudder received the Dutchman's "shmall pox" -amidst the laughter and shouts of the occupants of the old -stage-coach. The driver joined in, although he had not the -least idea of what they were laughing at, and as the vehicle -rolled away, he added not a little to the mirth by saying, in -a triumphant tone of voice, "I vas pound ter gif der old -vomans der shmall pox, vether she vould dake it or not!"</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Macphairson Clonglocketty Angus McClan<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Was the son of an elderly laboring man.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You've guessed him a Scotchman, shrewd reader, at sight,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And p'r'aps altogether, shrewd reader, you're right.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">From the bonnie blue Forth to the beastly Deeside,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Round by Dingwell and Wrath to the mouth of the Clyde,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">There wasn't a child or a woman or man<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Who could pipe with Clonglocketty Angus McClan.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">No other could wake such detestable groans<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With reed and with chaunter, with bag and with drones.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">All day and all night he delighted the chiels<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With sniggering pibrochs and jiggety reels.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">He'd clamber a mountain and squat on the ground,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And the neighboring maidens would gather around<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To list to his pipes and to gaze in his een,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">All loved their McClan, save a Sassenach brute<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Who came to the Highlands to fish and to shoot.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He dressed himself up in a Highlander way;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Though his name it was Pattison Corby Torbay.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Torbay had incurred a good deal of expense<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To make him a Scotchman in every sense;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But this is a matter, you'll readily own,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That isn't a question of tailors alone.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">A Sassenach chief may be bonnily built;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He may purchase a sporran, a bonnet, and kilt;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Stick a skean in his hose—wear an acre of stripes—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But he cannot assume an affection for pipes.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Clonglocketty's pipings all night and all day<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Quite frenzied poor Pattison Corby Torbay.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The girls were amused at his singular spleen,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Macphairson Clonglocketty Angus, my lad,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With pibrochs and reels you are driving me mad.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">If you really must play on that horrid affair,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My goodness, play something resembling an air."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Boiled over the blood of Macphairson McClan—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The Clan of Clonglocketty rose as one man;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For all were enraged at the insult, I ween,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Let's show," said McClan," to this Sassenach loon<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That the bagpipes can play him a regular tune.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Let's see," said McClan, as he thoughtfully sat,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"'<em>In my Cottage</em>' is easy,—I'll practise at that."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">He blew at his "Cottage," and he blew with a will,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For a year, seven months, and a fortnight, until<br /></span> -<span class="i0">(You'd hardly believe it) McClan, I declare,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Elicited something resembling an air.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">It was wild—it was fitful—as wild as the breeze:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">It wandered about into several keys.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">It was jerky, spasmodic, and harsh, I'm aware;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But still it distinctly suggested an air.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">The Sassenach screamed, and the Sassenach danced;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He shrieked in his agony, bellowed and pranced.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And the maidens who gathered rejoiced at the scene,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Hech gather, hech gather, hech gather around;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And fill a' ye lugs wi' the exquisite sound.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">An air fra' the bagpipes—beat that if you can!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Hurrah for Clonglocketty Angus McClan!"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">The fame of his piping spread over the land:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Respectable widows proposed for his hand,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And maidens came flocking to sit on the green,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">One morning the fidgety Sassenach swore<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He'd stand it no longer—he drew his claymore,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And (this was, I think, in extremely bad taste)<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Divided Clonglocketty close to the waist.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Oh, loud were the wailings for Angus McClan!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Oh, deep was the grief for that excellent man!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The maids stood aghast at the horrible scene,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">It sorrowed poor Pattison Corby Torbay<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To find them "take on" in this serious way.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He pitied the poor little fluttering birds,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And solaced their souls with the following words:—<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"O maidens!" said Pattison, touching his hat,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Don't blubber, my dears, for a fellow like that;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Observe, I'm a very superior man,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A much better fellow than Angus McClan."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">They smiled when he winked and addressed them as "dears,"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And they all of them vowed, as they dried up their tears,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A pleasanter gentleman never was seen—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Especially Ellen McJones Aberdeen.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i42"><span class="smcap">W. S. Gilbert.</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>A DUTCH SERMON.</h2> - - -<p>Mine friends, ven first you come here, you was poor; and -now, friends, you is prout; and you's gotten on your unicorns, -ant dem vits you like a dongs upon a hog's pack. Now, -mine friends, let me dell you dis: a man is a man if he's no -pigger as my dumb. Ven Tavid vent out to fight mit Goliah,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> -he dook noting vid him but one sling. Now don't mistake -me, mine friends: it vas not a rum sling; no, nor a gin sling; -no, nor a mint vater sling; no: it was a sling made mit an -hickory stick. Now, ven Goliah sees Tavid coming, "You -little dampt scoundrel, does you comes to vight me? I vill -give you to de birds of de fielt, and de peasts of de air!" -Tavid says, "Goliah, Goliah, de race is not always mit de -shwift, nor ish de battle mit de strong; and a man is a -man if he's no pigger ash my dumb." So Tavid he fixes -a shtone in his sling, and he drows it at Goliah, and knocks -him rite in de vorehead; and den Tavid takes Goliah's -swort, and cuts off his head; and den all de pretty cals -comes out and strewed flowers in his way, and sung, "Saul -is a creat man, vor he has kilt his tousands; put Tavid is -creater as he, vor he has kilt Goliah." Now, mine friends, -when you coes out to vight mit te rebels, remember vat I -dell you,—dat a man is a man if he's no pigger as my -dumb.</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>SHACOB'S LAMENT.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Oxcoose me if I shed some tears,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und wipe my nose avay;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und if a lump vos in my troat,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">It comes up dere to shtay.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">My sadness I shall now unfoldt;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und if dot tale of woe<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Don'd do some Dutchmans any good,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Den I don't pelief I know.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">You see I fall myself in love;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und effery night I goes<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Across to Brooklyn by dot pridge,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">All dressed in Sunday clothes.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">A vidder vomans vos der brize,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Her husband he vos dead;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und all alone in this colt vorldt,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot vidder vos, she said.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Her heart for love vos on der pine,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und dot I like to see;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und all der time I hoped dot heart<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vos on der pine for me.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I keeps a butcher shop, you know,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und in a stocking stout,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I put avay my gold and bills,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und no one gets him oudt.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">If in der night some bank cashier<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Goes skipping off mit cash,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I shleep so sound as nefer vos,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vhile rich folks go to shmash.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I court dot vidder sixteen months,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot vidder she courts me;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und vhen I says, "Vill you be mine?"<br /></span> -<span class="i2">She says, "You bet I'll be!"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Ve vos engaged—oh, blessed fact!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I squeeze dot dimpled hand;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Her head upon my shoulder lays,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Shust like a bag of sand.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Before der vedding day vos set,"<br /></span> -<span class="i2">She vispers in mine ear,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"I like to say I haf to use<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Some cash, my Jacob, dear.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"I owns dis house and two big farms,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und ponds und railroad shtock;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und up in Yonkers I bossess<br /></span> -<span class="i2">A grand big peesness block.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Der times vos dull, my butcher boy,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Der market vos no good;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und if I sell"—I squeezed her handt<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To show I understood.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Next day—oxcoose my briny tears—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot shtocking took a shrink;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I counted out twelf hundred in<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Der cleanest kind o' chink.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Und later, by two days or more,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot vidder shlopes avay;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und leaves a note behindt for me,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">In vhich dot vidder say,—<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">Dear Shake</span>:—<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i8">Der rose vas redt,<br /></span> -<span class="i10">Der violet blue—<br /></span> -<span class="i8">You see I've left,<br /></span> -<span class="i10">Und you're left, too!"<br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>MR. SCHMIDT'S MISTAKE.</h2> - - -<p>I geeps me von leedle schtore town Proadway, und does a -pooty goot peesnis; bud I ton't got mooch gapital to vork -mit, so I finds id hard vork to get me all der gredits vot I -vould like. Last veek I hear aboud some goots dot a barty -vas going to sell pooty sheap, und so I writes dot man if he -vould gife me der refusal of dose goots for a gouple a days. -He gafe me der refusal; dot is, he sait I gouldn't haf dem. -But he sait he vould gall on me, und see mine sthore; and -den if mine schtanding in peesnis vas goot, berhaps ve might -do somedings togedder. Vell, I vas behint mine gounter -yesderday, ven a shentleman gomes in, und dakes me py der -hant, und say, "Mr. Schmidt, I pelieve." I say, "Yaw," -und den I dinks to mineself, "Dis vas de man vot has dose -goots to sell, und I musd dry to make some goot imbression -mit him so ve gould do some peesnis."—"Dis vas goot -schtore," he says, looking aroundt; "bud you ton't got a -pooty pig schstock already." I vas avraid to let him know -dot I only hat 'bout a tousand tollars voort off goots in der -blace, so I says, "You ton't vould dink I hat more as dree -tousand tollars in dis leedle schtore, aind id?" He says, -"You ton't tole me! Vos dot bossible?" I says, "Yaw." -I meant dot id <em>vas bossible</em>, dough id vasn't so; vor I vas like -Shorge Vashingtons ven he cut town der "olt elm" on -Poston Gommons mit his leedle hadget, und gouldn't dell -some lies aboudt id. "Vell," says der schentleman, "I -dinks you ought to know petter as anypody else vot you haf -got in der schtore;" und den he dakes a leedle book vrom -his bocket oudt, und say, "Vell, I poots you town vor dree<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span> -tousand tollars." I ask him vat he means py "poots me -town;" und den he says he vas von off der daxmen, or -assessors of broperty, und he tank me so kindly as nefer -vos, because he say I vos sooch an honest Deutscher, und -tidn't dry und sheat der gofermants. I dells you vat it vos, -I tidn't veel any more petter as a hundord ber cent, ven dot -man valks oudt off mine schtore, und der nexd dime I makes -free mit sdrangers, I vinds first deir peesnis oudt.</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Charles F. Adams.</span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>JOHN AND TIBBIE DAVISON'S DISPUTE.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">John Davison and Tibbie, his wife,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Sat toasting their taes ae nicht,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">When something startit in the fluir,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And blinkit by their sicht.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Guidwife," quoth John, "did ye see that moose?<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Whar sorra was the cat?"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"A moose?"—"Aye, a moose."—"Na, na, guidman:<br /></span> -<span class="i2">It was'na a moose, 'twas a rat!"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Ow, ow, guidwife! to think ye've been<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Sae lang aboot the hoose,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">An' no to ken a moose frae a rat!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Yon was'na a rat! 'twas a moose!"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"I've seen mair mice than you, guidman,—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">An' what think ye o' that?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Sae haud your tongue, an' say nae mair,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I tell ye, it was a rat!"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"<em>Me</em> haud my tongue for <em>you</em>, guidwife!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I'll be mester o' this hoose:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I saw't as plain as een could seet,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">An' I tell ye, it was a moose!"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"If you're the mester o' the hoose,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">It's I'm the mistress o't;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">An' <em>I</em> ken best what's in the hoose:<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Sae I tell ye, it was a rat!"<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Weel, weel, guidwife, gae mak' the brose,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">An' ca' it what ye please."<br /></span> -<span class="i0">So up she rose, and made the brose,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">While John sat toasting his taes.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">They supit, and supit, and supit the brose,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And aye their lips played smack:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">They supit, and supit, and supit the brose,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Till their lugs began to crack.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Sic fules we were to fa' oot, guidwife,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Aboot a moose."—"A what?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">It's a lee ye tell; an' I say again<br /></span> -<span class="i2">It was'na a moose; 'twas a rat!"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Wad ye ca' me a leear to my very face?<br /></span> -<span class="i2">My faith, but ye craw croose!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I tell ye, Tib, I never will bear't!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">'Twas a moose!"—"'Twas a rat!"—"'Twas a moose!"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Wi' her spoon she strack him ower the pow.<br /></span> -<span class="i2">"Ye dour auld doit, tak' that;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Gae to your bed, ye canker'd sumph,—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">'Twas a rat!"—"'Twas a moose!"—"'Twas a rat!"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">She sent the brose caup at his heels,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">As he hirpled ben the hoose;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Yet he shoved oot his head as he steekit the door,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And cried, "'Twas a moose! 'twas a moose!"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">But when the carle was fast asleep,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">She paid him back for that,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And roared into his sleepin' lug,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">"'Twas a rat! 'twas a rat! 'twas a rat!"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">The de'il be wi' me if I think<br /></span> -<span class="i2">It was a beast ava!—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Neist mornin', as she sweepit the fluir,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">She faund wee Johnnie's ba'!<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i40"><span class="smcap">Robert Leighton.</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>FRITZ UND I.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Mynheer, blease helb a boor oldt man,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vot gomes vrom Sharmany,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Mit Fritz, mine tog und only freund,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To geep me gompany.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I haf no gelt to puy mine pread,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">No blace to lay me down,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For ve vas vanderers, Fritz und I,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und strangers in der down.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Some beoples gife us dings to eadt,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und some dey kicks us oudt,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und say, "You ton't got peesnis here,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To sdroll der schtreets aboudt!"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vot's dat you say? You puy mine tog<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To gife me pread to eadt?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I vas so boor as nefer vas,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">But I vas no "tead peat."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vot! sell mine tog, mine leetle tog,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot vollows me aboudt,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und vags his dail, like anydings,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Yene'er I dakes him oudt!<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Schust look at him, und see him schump!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He likes me pooty vell;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und dere vas somedings 'bout dat tog,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Mynheer, I vouldn't sell.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Der collar?" Nein, 'tvas somedings else<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vrom vich I gould not bart;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und if dot ding vas dook avay,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I dinks it prakes mine heart.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Vot vas it, den, aboudt dat tog,"<br /></span> -<span class="i2">You ashk, "dat's not vor sale?"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I dells you vat it ish, mine freund:<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Tish der vag off dat tog's dail!<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i30"><span class="smcap">Charles F. Adams.</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>A TUSSLE WITH IMMIGRANTS.</h2> - - -<p>The Ethnological Society of North America wished me to -photograph types of immigrants arriving from Europe, at -New York.</p> - -<p>Castle Garden is where all steerage passengers land; and -I was allowed every facility by the authorities.</p> - -<p>I began with an Italian, swarthy, under-sized, dressed in -velveteen, and scented with garlic. As I placed him in front -of the camera, he said:—</p> - -<p>"Ah been here before. Ah no greenhorn. Ah know -the ropes a. You take a pictura don't cost you a centa; you -don't pay me a dolla; ah make ah face a so you don't getta -the pictura. You don't picka me up a sardine. I sale the -banana lass year in New York."</p> - -<p>A Frenchman was the next subject. Tall, meagre, polite, -and talkative.</p> - -<p>"Sare," he remarked, "ze photographie ees not to me for -ze first taime. Ze art of all kind faind himself at home in -ma countrie—<i lang="fr">la belle France</i>. I also am artist. I make ze -wall papaire to beautify ze house. I am artist in ze pastepot, -and ze scissaires. To faind already a brothaire artist -makes me to weep. Excuse me zat I weep. I remove to -you ze hat; I salute ze veritable artist." Then this artist -tried to kiss me, and because I repulsed him stood in gloomy -majesty while I photographed him.</p> - -<p>Following my French friend, a Scotchman was brought. -He wished me to take pictures of his entire family—eleven -in all—and when informed that only types, not families, -were required, he broke forth:—</p> - -<p>"I'm no able exactly to see why types should be needed, -and no families. A type is guid eneugh thing gin ye'll -want to prent a paper, but a lairge family o' braw lads an' -bonnie lasses gangs a lang distance in a new land, an' I'm -free to say my ain family is the lairgest ye'll see frae the -ship."</p> - -<p>Even the stolid immigrants had to smile when the next -subject was brought. He was a young German, tight-sleeved, -long-skirted, smiling, and chatty.</p> - -<p>"Vell! Py jimmeny! you took my picture mid a box! -How you done it I gifs oop! Und you told me ov I move I -spoil him alretty. Den I don'd move. Ov a flea pites me, -I don'd move,—ov you don'd stand me too long. Ov a man<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> -gifs me a glass of peer, I don'd move. Ov I got hungry, I -don'd go to dinner all der vile. I shoost stand here like -I vas a dellygraff bole! Don'd it?"</p> - -<p>I finished the morning's work with a splendid specimen -of a young Irishman, who had, I suspect, been injudiciously -"treated" by his friends.</p> - -<p>As I placed him before the camera, he said:—</p> - -<p>"Av' it's taking aim ye are, don't say I thrimbled. God -knows I'm willin' an' proud to die for ould Oireland! -Foire! ye base murdherer, to desthroy me the day I kem -ashore!"</p> - -<p>Matters were explained, and he apologized.</p> - -<p>"Why didn't ye say ye wouldn't shoot? How would I -know ye didn't have dynamite in yer box? Av its only -the picthure av me mug you want, take it an' welkim. -I'm no pig to be wantin' to kape a threasure hid from the -wurruld."</p> - -<p>In departing I explained to the group that I would present -each one with a copy of his picture if their addresses were -furnished, and a Babel of words followed me.</p> - -<p>"Ah don't want a picture a. Ah want a dolla!"</p> - -<p>"Sare, I am <i lang="fr">comble de l'honneur</i>. I zank you, sare!"</p> - -<p>"I'm vara muckle ableeged till ye. I'll tak' a dozen on -the same tairms."</p> - -<p>"Ov I don'd send you dot address, never mind; you send -me dot bicture, ennyhow!"</p> - -<p>"Faith! Amerika's a darlin' counthry! The best word I -got at home was, Leve the way, ye vagabone! Here it is, -Misther O'Ryan, will it plaze ye have yer picther taken, an' -where'll we send it for ye?"</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Philip Douglass.</span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>A DOKETOR'S DRUBBLES.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I youst to bin a doketor vonce,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vat koored all kints ov gases;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und in my bragtis I have met<br /></span> -<span class="i2">A goot mainy <em>deaferent</em> fases.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vor dwendy milse round vere I leved,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">De beeple vas gwite seekly;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Boud vonce a veek I galled arount,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und zo I vound um veekly.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Soam vas seek mit vone decease,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und soam dey had anoder,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und soam you vooden't doght vood leve<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vrom one ent do de oder.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Bud pooty soon I vound dot oud<br /></span> -<span class="i2">My bocket book was dhry,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und also my oxpensays<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vas runing oval high.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">So I vent oud gollecting;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Bud aifery vere I vent,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My batients vas oxhorseted,—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dey vas not vort a cendt.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Und I vent und seed vone men,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He vas briefing hees preath lasht;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I doght de gwicker I got dot,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">De sooner it vas kashed.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">So I showed de men hees node,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und I dold heem do pay;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Hees dime vas shoost up,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot vos hees lasht tay.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Hees hands vas in each bocked,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und dots vy I doght so sdrange;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He died—und hees lasht vords vas,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">"I don'd veel ainy shange."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Und vone sed do me, "Doketor,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Howefer can I pay?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You know dot I'm not aple—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I'm <em>vailing</em> afery tay."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Und anoder vailer dold me,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">"Shoost valk you ride avay;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You got dot oll vat's due you<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Ven comes de shoodgment-tay."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I eshked vone men vor hees sheck,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Id vas yoost pefore hees deadth;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But I vound he hadn't no dime,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He vas drawing hees lasht breadth.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Und I found <em>dish vash</em> de drubble—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Een my kase ainy vay—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">De beeple vot I doketored<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Heddent <em>cents</em> enoff to bay.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">You'f hurt dot goot old sayink,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Verein dot goot pook says—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I dink id combs out desewise—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">"Soam rools ken vork bote vays."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Und so it ess mit de doketor;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Of he eshkt a man to bay,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und he tails him, "I ken't do id,"<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Hees shoor to die dot day.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I vent beck to my offus,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Veeling dired dru und dru;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und togedder mit dese drubble<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I vash med and shleeby doo.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I lade down on de sofy,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und dried to haive a shnooze;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Bud een a doketors' offus,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot didn't vas no youse.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I hurt soam kolling, "Doketor!"<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und I run ub do my shbout,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und dese vords vent his ears down:<br /></span> -<span class="i2">"<em>Vat's de metter mit your mout?</em>"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Und den dot failer holleret,—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Hees woice vas shdrong und glear,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und dese vords vent de shpout oop,—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">"Dooce Dr. Sholtz leve hier?"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Und gwickly beck my an-swear<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot shbout vas goin dro:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Dr. Sholtz, dot vas my name, sir,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vat vood you hev me doo?"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Now let me eshk you doketor;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">You shoore I'fe got dot righd?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ish your name <em>Dr. Vriederick Sholtz</em>?"<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Hee yelt mit oll hees mighd.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I doght dot men was crazy—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Oar meppy he vas dight.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I sed, "Yaas—'tvas Doketor Vriederick Sholtz,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vat you vant dese dime off nighd?"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Und I vas zo oxtonished,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Bud de naixt dings vat I hear,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ven dot failer dold me, "Doketor,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">How long hev you leefed hier?"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Un den I vas oxcited,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I felt yooust like a row;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I sed, "I'fe leefed hier dwendy years:<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vat you vant, ainyhow?"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Dot men he vas a villane,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und dot's yoost vat I kin brove;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He singed oud to me lowdly,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">"Vat's de reason you dond moofe?"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I run down dru de shdairvay,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und oud into de shdreed;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Bud I only hurt de bavemends<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Klattering fashd agenshd hees feed.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I reely dink sooch ekshuns<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Shoot not be oferlooked;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Of I kood kaitch dot failer—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Py cosh, hees coose vas kooked!<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Now I vood say doo de doketors,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Yoost pefore id vas doo late,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dond naifer loose your batients,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und you'll suckseed fushtrate.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">No metter vots de reason,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">You naifer shood get vexed;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You may loose your bay in dese vorldt,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Bud you'll get id in de next.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i28"><span class="smcap">George M. Warren.</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>CHARLIE MACHREE.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Come over, come over the river to me,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">If ye are my laddie, bold Charlie Machree!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Here's Mary McPherson and Susy O'Linn,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Who say ye're faint-hearted, and dare not plunge in.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But the dark, rolling river, though deep as the sea,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I know cannot scare you, nor keep you from me;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For stout is your back, and strong is your arm,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And the heart in your bosom is faithful and warm.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Come over, come over the river to me,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">If ye are my laddie, bold Charlie Machree!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I see him! I see him! He's plunged in the tide!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">His strong arms are dashing the big waves aside.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Oh! the dark, rolling water shoots swift as the sea,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But blithe is the glance of his bonnie blue e'e;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">His cheeks are like roses, twa buds on a bough,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Who says ye're faint-hearted, my brave laddie, now?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ho, ho! foaming river, ye may roar as ye go;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But ye canna bear Charlie to the dark loch below.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Come over, come over the river to me,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My true-hearted laddie, <em>my</em> Charlie Machree!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He's sinking! he's sinking! Oh, what shall I do!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Strike out, Charlie, boldly, ten strokes, and ye're through.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He's sinking, oh, Heaven! Ne'er fear, man, ne'er fear:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I've a kiss for ye, Charlie, as soon as ye're here!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He rises: I see him—five strokes, Charlie, mair—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He's shaking the wet from his bonnie brown hair;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He conquers the current, he gains on the sea.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ho, where is the swimmer like Charlie Machree!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Come over the river, but once come to me,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And I'll love ye forever, dear Charlie Machree!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He's sinking! he's gone! O God! it is I,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">It is I who have killed him! Help! help!—he must die.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Help! help! Ah! he rises! Strike out, and ye're free!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ho, bravely done, Charlie, once more, now, for me!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Now cling to the rock, now give me your hand,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ye're safe, dearest Charlie, ye're safe on the land!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Come rest on my bosom, if there ye can sleep:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I canna speak to ye; I only can weep.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ye've crossed the wild river, ye've risked all for me,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And I'll part frae ye never, dear Charlie Machree!<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i34"><span class="smcap">William J. Hoppin.</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>A DUTCHMAN'S DOLLY VARDEN.</h2> - - -<p>Vell, mine freund, you know dat I hav on my het dat -leedle bump der frenollogiggers say dat I hav great like for -de ladies, aind it? Vell, I vas goin' down de shtreet der tay -after yesterday, und ven I comes to der blace vat dey calls -der corner, so der shtreet mit anoder shtreet makes a nice -leetle cross oder der leetle saw-buck, you know vat dat is? -So soon I comes to der blace, vot you tink? A nice leetle poy -mit great many papers in der hand goes by, and shust so soon -as he goes by he gifs me von leetle paper mitout notings. -But it vas padder as vorse vot I took dot leetle paper, and -den I goes and makes me von mineself von great pig fool. -Vat you tink I on dot paper find,—you no guess dot in -twelve tousand year. I dell you vot I see on dot. It vas like -diss: "Come und see your Dolly Varden. She is lovely; she -is putiful; she is rich! You can she hav for most notings." -Den der leetle paper gives der number von der shtreet vare -I could she find. It vas said Mr. Shteward, py Proatvay -oud. So soon I reads dot petter as goot, mine heart makes -me von pitty-pat, knock-knock. You know vat dat is. I no -more knows vare I lif, oder var I vas goin'. Dolly Varden! -She vas rich; she vas lovely; she vas putiful; und Dolly, -dot vas shust so nice names, aind it? Und der leetle poy -dat me dot paper gives, made he on dot paper say dot I can she -hav for most notings. Der firsht ding vot mine eye come -against vas von dose leetle shticks mit der great American -flag round him, vot says dot dere viskers be taken off dere, -und der hair be so bright and shining made, also der placking -boots. Denn I goes right dere, und I pays dot man -fifteen cent—fifteen cent! mind you dot! vile dot he make -mine hair der vay vot I shpeak von. Den, mit mine het up, -feeling dot I shust so pig as Carl Schurz, I goes after der -shtreet for to git me mine Dolly Varden. I vonders so soon -I comes to der blace und sees der pig shtore shop of Mister -Shteward, vedder or not she owns all dot nice buildings. -Anoder leetle poy opens dot door so nicely, unt he looks me -in der face so shmilings dot I tinks praps it vos Dolly's -brudder; und mine heart he goes so hot like fire; most like -der pig, plazing Shecawgo fire. Und I says to der poy, so -shweet I could, you know, "You hav der sister here, aint -it?" Denn der poy he look me mit vonder, und he make<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span> -dot het go so, like dot. I shpeaks no more mit der poy, but -I goes to der shtand, vare I sees von fine gentleman, und I -says, "I vould dot young lady see, vot der leetle poy givs me -paper von."—"Vot is dot?" says der shentlemans. Denn I -says, "I vants mine Dolly Varden!" Und der man says, -"Dolly Varden! come dis vay ven you blease." Und I -follows dot man mit mine heart full von great tremblings -unt joy put togedder, shust like der apple und meat in der -mince-pie. Put vat is dot he do now? He go und show me -a leetle piece von cloth, mit great many putiful color. Denn -I say, "You nixverstay me. I no vant to see her dress. I -vould see Dolly Varden she self." Dere goes more vunder -donn der poy hat over der face von der shentlemans, und he -say, "Dis is Dolly Varden." Denn I say, "Dolly Varden! -Dolly Varden! Oh! I no vant such voomans as dot." Und -mine mind runs vay mit mine het, unt mine het runs vay -mit mine bodies, und mine bodies runs vay mit mine feet, -und der shtore is vay on der odder side von me. Und ven I -see again on der shtreet dot leetle poy I vould him pants -make varm for dot he gif me so much heart-ache.</p> - -<p>Und denn ven I tinks on vot I pees und vat I used to vas, -I feels I trow fifteen cent avay mitout sufficient cause. Den -I feels mit mineselfs so mad to trow avays fifteen cents—tree -glass lager—for notinks, dat I go very queeck and -trown mineself in de try-tock, till I vas vashit ashore mit a -bar of soft-soap.</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Anonymous.</span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>THE FRENCHMAN AND THE FLEA-POWDER.</h2> - -<p class="center">A FAVORITE COMIC RECITATION.</p> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">A Frenchman once—so runs a certain ditty—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Had crossed the Straits to famous London city<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To get a living by the arts of France,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And teach his neighbor, rough John Bull, to dance.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But, lacking pupils, vain was all his skill:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">His fortunes sank from low to lower still.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Until at last,—pathetic to relate,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Poor monsieur landed at starvation's gate.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span> -<span class="i0">Standing one day beside a cook-shop door,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And gazing in, with aggravation sore,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He mused within himself what he should do<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To fill his empty maw, and pocket too.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">By nature shrewd, he soon contrived a plan,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And thus to execute it straight began.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A piece of common brick he quickly found,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And with a harder stone to powder ground;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Then wrapped the dust in many a dainty piece<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Of paper, labelled "Poison for de Fleas,"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And sallied forth, his roguish trick to try,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To show his treasures, and to see who'd buy.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">From street to street he cried with lusty yell,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Here's grand and sovereign <em>flea-poudare</em> to sell!"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And fickle Fortune seemed to smile at last,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For soon a woman hailed him as he passed;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Struck a quick bargain with him for the lot,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And made him five crowns richer on the spot.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Our wight, encouraged by this ready sale,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Went into business on a larger scale;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And soon, throughout all London, scattered he<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The "only genuine poudare for de flea."<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Engaged one morning in his new vocation<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Of mingled boasting and dissimulation,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He thought he heard himself in anger called;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And, sure enough, the self-same woman bawled—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">In not a mild or very tender mood—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">From the same window where before she stood.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Hey, there," said she, "you Monsher Powder-man!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Escape my clutches now, sir, if you can.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I'll let you dirty, thieving Frenchmen know<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That decent people won't be cheated so."<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Then spoke monsieur, and heaved a saintly sigh,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With humble attitude and tearful eye:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Ah, madame! s'il vous plait, attendez vous,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I vill dis leetle ting <em>explain</em> to you.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My poudare gran'! magnifique! why abuse him?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Aha! I show you <em>how to use him</em>,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">First, you must wait until you <em>catch de flea</em>;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Den tickle he on de petite rib, you see;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And when he laugh—aha! he ope his throat;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Den <em>poke de poudare down</em>!—<span class="smcap">Begar! he choke.</span>"<br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>THE FRENCHMAN AND THE SHEEP'S -TROTTERS.</h2> - -<p class="center">A CELEBRATED COMIC RECITATION.</p> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">A monsieur from the Gallic shore,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Who, though not over-rich, wished to appear so,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Came over in a ship with friends a score—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Poor emigrants, whose wealth, good lack!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dwelt only on their ragged backs—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Who thought him rich: they'd heard <em>him</em> oft declare so,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">For he was proud as Satan's self,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And often bragged about his pelf;<br /></span> -<span class="i4">And as a proof—the least<br /></span> -<span class="i2">That he could give—he promised when on land,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">At the first inn, in style so grand,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">To give <em>a feast</em>!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The Frenchmen jumped at such an offer.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Monsieur did not forget his proffer;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">But at the first hotel on shore,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">They stopped to lodge and board.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The Frenchman ordered in his way<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A dinner to be done that day;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">But here occurred a grievous bore:—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Monsieur of English knew but little.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Tapps of French knew not a tittle.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">In ordering dinner, therefore, 'tis no wonder<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That they should make a blunder.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Whether the landlord knew, or no,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The sequel of my tale will show.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He blundered, and it cannot be denied,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To some small disadvantage on his side.<br /></span> -<span class="i2">The order seemed immense to Boniface:<br /></span> -<span class="i4">But more the expense, to him the greater fun;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For all that from the order he could trace,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Was,—"Messieur Bull, you lettee me have, I say,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Vich for vid cash, I sal you pay,<br /></span> -<span class="i6"><em>Fifteen of those vid vich the sheep do run</em>!"<br /></span> -<span class="i4">From which old Tapps could only understand<br /></span> -<span class="i6">(But whether right or wrong, cared not a button),<br /></span> -<span class="i4">That what monsieur desired, with air so grand,<br /></span> -<span class="i6"><em>Was fifteen legs of mutton</em>!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"A dinner most enormous!" cried the elf.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Zounds! each must eat a leg, near, to himself!"<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> -<span class="i0">However, they seemed a set of hungry curs;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And so, without more bother or demurs,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Tapps to his cook his orders soon expressed,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And fifteen legs of mutton quick were dressed.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And now around the table all elate,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The Frenchman's friends the dinner doth await.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Joy sparkled in each hungry urchin's eyes,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">When they beheld, with glad surprise,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Tapps quick appear with leg of mutton hot,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Smoking, and just ejected from the pot!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Laughed, stared, and chuckled more and more,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">When <em>two</em> they saw, then <em>three</em>, then <em>four</em>!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And then a <em>fifth</em> their eager glances blessed,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And then a <em>sixth</em>, larger than all the rest!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">But soon the Frenchman's countenance did change,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">To see the legs of mutton on the table.<br /></span> -<span class="i6">Surprise and rage by turns<br /></span> -<span class="i6">In his face burns,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">While Tapps the table did arrange<br /></span> -<span class="i4">As nice as he was able.<br /></span> -<span class="i4">And while the Frenchmen for the feast prepared,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Thus, in a voice that quite the landlord scared,<br /></span> -<span class="i18">Our hero said,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Mon Dieu, monsieur! vy for you make<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dis vera great blundare and mistake?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vy for you bring to me dese mouton legs?"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Tapps with a bow his pardon begs:—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"I've done as you have ordered, sir," said he.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Did you not order <em>fifteen legs</em> of me?<br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>Six</em> of which before your eyes appear,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And <em>nine besides</em> are nearly done down-stair!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Here, John!"—"Go, hang you, Jean! you fool! you ass!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You one great clown to bring me to dis pass:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Take vay dis meat, for vich I sall no pay.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I did no order dat."—"What's that you say?"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Tapps answered with a frown and with a stare,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"You ordered fifteen legs of me, I'll swear,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Or <em>fifteen things with which the sheep do run</em>,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Which <em>means the same</em>:—I'm not so easy done."<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Parbleu, monsieur! vy you no comprehend?<br /></span> -<span class="i2">You may take back de legs unto de pot:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I telle you, sare, 'tis not de legs I vant,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">But <em>dese here leetel tings vid vich de sheep do trot</em>!"<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> -<span class="i0">"Why, hang it!" cried the landlord in a rage,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Which monsieur vainly tried to assuage,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Hang it!" said he, as to the door he totters:<br /></span> -<span class="i2">"Now, after all the trouble that I took,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">These legs of mutton both to buy and cook,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">It seems instead of <em>fifteen legs,</em><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><em>You merely wanted fifteen poor sheep's trotters</em>!"<br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>I VANT TO FLY.</h2> - -<p class="center">A HUMOROUS RECITATION.—FRENCH DIALECT.</p> - - -<p>Shortly before the conclusion of the war with Napoleon, -there were a number of French officers in an inland town -on their parole of honor. Now, one gentleman being tired -with the usual routine of eating, drinking, gambling, smoking, -etc., therefore, in order to amuse himself otherwise, resolved -to go a-fishing. His host supplied him with rod and -line, but, being in want of artificial flies, he went in search -of a fishing-tackle maker's shop. Having found one, kept -by a plain, painstaking John Bull, our Frenchman entered, -and with a bow, a cringe, and a shrug of the shoulders, -thus began:—</p> - -<p>"Ah, Monsieur Anglais! comment vous portez-vous?"</p> - -<p>"Eh! that's French," exclaimed the shopkeeper; "not -that I understand it, but I'm very well, if that's what you -mean."</p> - -<p>"Bon, bon, ver good; den, sare, I sall tell you, I vant -deux fly."</p> - -<p>"I dare say you do, mounseer," replied the Englishman, -"and so do a great many more of your outlandish gentry; -but I'm a true-born Briton, and can never consent to assist -the enemies of my country to leave it, particularly when -they cost us so much to bring them here."</p> - -<p>"Ah, monsieur, you no comprehend! I shall repeate, I -vant deux fly, on the top of de vater."</p> - -<p>"Oh! what, you want to fly by water, do you? then I'm -sure I can't assist you; for we are at least a hundred miles -from the seacoast, and our canal is not navigable above -ten or twelve miles from here."</p> - -<p>"Diable! sare, you are un stup of the block. I sall tell -you once seven times over again—I vant deux fly on the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span> -top of de vater, to dingle dangle at the end of de long -pole."</p> - -<p>"Ay, ay! you only fly, mounseer, by land or water, and -if they catch you, I'll be hanged if they won't dingle dangle -you, as you call it, at the end of a long pole."</p> - -<p>"Sacre un de Dieu! la blas! vat you mean by dat, enfer -diable? you are un bandit jack of de ass, Johnny de Bull. -Ba, ba, you are effrontee, and I disgrace me to parley vid -you! I tell you, sare, dat I vant deux fly on the top of de -vater, to dingle dangle at the end of the long pole, to la -trap poisson."</p> - -<p>"What's that you say, you French mounseer—you'll lay -a trap to poison me and all my family, because I won't assist -you to escape? why, the like was never heard. Here, -Betty, go for the constable."</p> - -<p>The constable soon arrived, who happened to be as ignorant -as the shopkeeper; and of course, it was not expected -that a constable should be a scholar. Thus the man of -office began:—</p> - -<p>"What's all this? Betty has been telling me that this -here outlandish Frenchman is going to poison you and all -your family! Ay, ay, I should like to catch him at it, -that's all! Come, come to prison, you delinquent."</p> - -<p>"No, sare, I sall not go to de prison; take me before de -what you call it—de ting that nibble de grass?"</p> - -<p>"Nibble grass? You mean sheep?"</p> - -<p>"No, I mean de—de"—</p> - -<p>"Oh, you mean the cow!"</p> - -<p>"No, sare, not de cow; you stup Johnny bÅ“uf—I mean -de cheval, vat you ride. [Imitating.] Come, sare, gee up. -Ah, ha!"</p> - -<p>"Oh, now I know! you mean a horse."</p> - -<p>"No, sare, I mean de horse's vife."</p> - -<p>"What, the mare?"</p> - -<p>"Oui, bon, yes, sare; take me to de mayor."</p> - -<p>This request was complied with; and the French officer -soon stood before the English magistrate, who, by chance, -happened to be better informed than his neighbors, and -thus explained the dilemma of the unfortunate Frenchman, -to the satisfaction of all parties:—</p> - -<p>"You have mistaken the intention of this honest gentleman: -he did not want to fly the country, but to go a-fishing, -and for that purpose went to your shop to purchase<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> -two flies, by way of bait, or, as he expressed it, to la trap -la poisson. Poisson, in French, is fish."</p> - -<p>"Why, ay," replied the shopkeeper, "that may be true, -you are a scholard, and so you know better than I. Poison: -in French, may be very good fish, but give me good old -English roast beef."</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>THE FRENCHMAN'S MISTAKE.</h2> - -<p class="center">FRENCH DIALECT RECITATION.</p> - - -<p>Not long since, a sober, middle-aged gentleman was -quietly dozing in one of our railroad-trains, when his pleasant, -drowsy meditations were suddenly interrupted by the -sharp voice of the individual by his side. This was no -less a personage than a dandified, hot-blooded, inquisitive -Frenchman, who raised his hairy visage close to that of the -gentleman he addressed.</p> - -<p>"Pardonnez, sare; but vat you do viz ze pictair—<em>hein</em>?"</p> - -<p>As he spoke, monsieur pointed to some beautiful steel-plate -engravings in frames, which the quiet gentleman held -in his lap, and which suited the fancy of the little French -connoisseur precisely.</p> - -<p>The quiet gentleman looked at the inquisitive foreigner -with a scowl which he meant to be very forbidding, and -made no reply. The Frenchman, nothing daunted, once -more approached his hairy visage into that of his companion, -and repeated the question:—</p> - -<p>"Vat you do viz ze pictair—<em>hein</em>?"</p> - -<p>"I am taking them to Salem," replied the quiet gentleman -gruffly.</p> - -<p>"Ha! you take 'em to sell 'em!" chimed in the shrill -voice of the Frenchman. "I be glad of zat, by gar! I like -ze pictair. I buy 'em of you, sare. Mow much you ask?"</p> - -<p>"They are not for sale," replied the sleepy gentleman, -more thoroughly awake, by the by, and not a little irritated.</p> - -<p>"<em>Hein</em>?" grunted monsieur in astonishment. "Vat you -say, sare?"</p> - -<p>"I say I don't want to sell the pictures!" cried the other, -at the top of his voice.</p> - -<p>"By gar! <i lang="fr">c'est drole</i>!" exclaimed the Frenchman, his eye -beginning to flash with passion. "It is one strange circumstance, -<em>parbleu</em>! I ask you vat you do viz ze pictair,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> -and you say you take 'em to sell 'em, and zen you vill not -sell 'em! Vat you mean, sare—<em>hein</em>?"</p> - -<p>"I mean what I say," replied the other sharply. "I -don't want to sell the engravings, and I didn't say I did."</p> - -<p>"<em>Morbleu!</em>" sputtered monsieur, in a tone loud enough -to attract the attention of those of his fellow-travellers who -were not already listening; "<em>morbleu</em>! you mean to say I -'ave not any ear? <em>Non</em>, monsieur, by gar I hear ver' well -vat you tell me. You say you sell ze pictair. Is it because -I one Frenchman, zat you will not sell me ze pictair?"</p> - -<p>The irritated gentleman, hoping to rid himself of the -annoyance, turned his back upon his assailant, and made -no reply.</p> - -<p>But monsieur was not to be put off thus. He laid his -hand on the shoulder of the other, and, showing his small -white teeth, exclaimed,—</p> - -<p>"<em>Sacristie!</em> monsieur, zis is too muche. You've give -me one insult, and I shall 'ave satisfaction." Still no reply. -"By gar, monsieur," continued the Frenchman, "you are -not one gentleman. I shall call you one <em>poltroon</em>—vat you -call 'em?—coward!"</p> - -<p>"What do you mean?" retorted the other, afraid the -affair was beginning to get serious. "I haven't insulted -you, sir."</p> - -<p>"Pardonnez, monsieur; but it is one grand insult! In -America, perhaps not; but in France, one blow your brains -out."</p> - -<p>"For what, pray?"</p> - -<p>"For vat? <em>Parbleu!</em> you call me one <em>menteur</em>—how -you speak 'em—liar? you call me one liar? you call me -one liar?"</p> - -<p>"Oh, no, sir! You misunderstood"—</p> - -<p>"No, by gar! I've got ears. You say you vill sell ze -pictair; and ven I tell you vat you say, you say ze contrarie—zat -is not so!"</p> - -<p>"But I didn't tell you I would sell the pictures," remonstrated -the man with the engravings, beginning to feel -alarmed at the passion manifested by the other. "You -misunderstood"—</p> - -<p>"I tell you no! It is not posseebl'! Ven I ask you vat -you do viz ze pictair, vat you say?"</p> - -<p>"I said I was taking them to Salem."</p> - -<p>"Yes, <em>parbleu</em>!" exclaimed monsieur, more angry than -ever: "you say you take 'em to sell 'em"—</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p> - -<p>"No, no!" interrupted the other, "not to <em>sell them</em>, but -<em>Salem</em>—the city of Salem."</p> - -<p>"Ze city of Sell 'em!" exclaimed the Frenchman, amid -the roars of laughter that greeted his ears. "<em>Sacristie!</em> -Zat is one grand mistake. Pardon, monsieur! <i lang="fr">Que je suis -bête!</i> Ze city of Sell 'em? Ha, ha! I vill remember -zat, by gar!" And he stroked his mustache with his -fingers, while the man with the engravings once more gave -way to his drowsy inclinations.</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>"TWO TOLLAR?"</h2> - -<p class="center">[From the Detroit Free Press.]</p> - -<p>There was a slight blaze on the roof of a house on Russell -Street a few days ago; and when the insurance adjusters -went up to make their survey, they found that about two -dollars would cover all the loss.</p> - -<p>"Two tollar!" exclaimed the owner when he heard the -decision—"I can't take no two tollar."</p> - -<p>"But you see for yourself that a dozen shingles and an -hour's work will make good all damages."</p> - -<p>"Gentlemens, you doan' put me off like dot. Vhen my -vhife finds dot ve vhas on fire, she screams boleece und -murder, und falls down-shtairs. Vould you let your vhife -fall down-shtairs for dot sum? If so, I goes home mit you -und sees der fun."</p> - -<p>"We do not insure husbands and wives, but buildings," -was the reply.</p> - -<p>"I know; but mein oldest poy, he runs for der fire-box, -und falls a picket-fence-oafer, und breaks his good clothes all -to pieces. Two tollar! Dot doan' bay me for goming oop -here."</p> - -<p>"Yes, but we can only pay for actual damages."</p> - -<p>"Dot's all I vhant. Who stole my dog ven my house -vhas on fire? Dot dog ish gone, und he vhas ten tollar -wort."</p> - -<p>"We didn't insure the dog."</p> - -<p>"Und maybe you don't insure dem poys who set on der -fence und called out, 'Dot ole Dutchman's red nose has set -his house on fire!' Do you oxpect I take such sass like dot<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span> -for two tollar? Und vhen the firemens come here dey break -mein clothes-line down mit der ladders, und dey spill wasser -all oafer my carpets. Two tollar! Vhell, vhell! you go -right avhay from here, und I takes dot old insurance bolicy -und steps him into der mud!"</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>A FRENCHMAN ON MACBETH.</h2> - - -<p>An enthusiastic French student of Shakspeare thus comments -on the tragedy of Macbeth:—</p> - -<p>"Ah! your Mossieu' Shak-es-pier! He is gr-r-aand—mysterieuse—sooblime! -You 'ave reads ze Macabess—ze -scene of Mossieu' Macabess vis ze Vitch—eh? Superb -sublimitee! W'en he say to ze Vitch, 'Ar-r-roynt ye, -Vitch!' she go away; but what she say when she go away? -She say she will do s'omesing dat aves got no naame! Ah, -ha! she say, 'I go, like ze r-r-aa-t vizout ze tail, but I'll do! -I'll do!' W'at she do? Ah, haviola le graand, mysterieuse -Mossieu' Shak-es-pier! She not say what she do!"</p> - -<p>This was "grand," to be sure; but the prowess of Macbeth, -in his "bout" with Macduff, awakens all the mercurial -Frenchman's martial ardor:—</p> - -<p>"Mossieu' Macabess, he see him come, clos' by: he say -(proud empressement), 'Come-o-o-n, Mossieu' Macduffs, -and d——d be he who first say enuffs!' Zen zey fi-i-ght-moche. -Ah, ha! voila! Mossieu' Macabess, vis his br-r-ight -r-r-apier, 'pink' him, vat you call, in his body. He 'ave -gots mal d'estomac: he say, vis grand simplicite, 'Enoffs!' -What for he say 'Enoffs'? 'Cause he got enoffs—plaanty: -and he expire r-right away, mediately, pretty quick! Ah, -mes amis, Mossieu' Shak-es-pier is rising man in La Belle -France!"</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Anonymous.</span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>LIKE MOTHER USED TO MAKE.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"I was born in Indiany," said a stranger lank and slim,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">As us fellers in the restaurant was kind o' guyin' him,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And Uncle Jake was slidin' him another pun'kin pie<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And a extra cup o' coffee, with a twinkle in his eye,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"I was born in Indiany, more'n forty year ago;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And I hain't been back in twenty, and I'm workin' back'ards slow;<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span> -<span class="i0">"But I've et in every restarunt 'twixt here and Santa Fee,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And I want to state, this coffee tastes like gittin' home to me!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Pour us out another, daddy," says the feller, warmin' up,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A-speakin' 'crost a saucerful, as uncle tuck his cup.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"When I seed yer sign out yender," he went on to uncle Jake,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"'Come in and git some coffee like your mother used to make,'—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I thought of my old mother and the Posey-county farm,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And me a little kid agin', a-hangin' on her arm;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And she set the pot a-bilin', broke the eggs, and poured 'em in"—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And the feller kind o' halted with a trimble in his chin.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And uncle Jake he fetched the feller's coffee back, and stood<br /></span> -<span class="i0">As solemn, for a minute, as a undertaker would.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Then he sort o' turned, and tiptoed to'rds the kitchen-door; and next,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Here comes his old wife out with him, a-rubbin' of her specs;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And she rushes for the stranger, and she hollers out, "It's him!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Thank God, we've met him comin'! Don't you know your mother, Jim?"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And the feller, as he grabbed her, says, "You bet I hain't forgot."<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But, wipin' of his eyes, says he, "Your coffee's mighty hot."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i16"><em>James Whitcomb Riley, in New-York Mercury.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>JOHN CHINAMAN'S PROTEST.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Melican man no wantee John Chinaman ally mo':<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He no slay, "John, you velly good washee."<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Not muchee: he slay, "John, I wipee flo'<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Withee you if mo' comee this countlee."<br /></span> -<span class="i16">What fo'<br /></span> -<span class="i16">Melican man<br /></span> -<span class="i16">No wantee<br /></span> -<span class="i16">John Chinaman<br /></span> -<span class="i16">Ally mo'?<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">John Chinaman he no gettee dlunk heap:<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He mind his own washee, washee,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Alle dayee long, and takee sleep,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Boil watel fo'—wat you call him?—oh, hashee!<br /></span> -<span class="i18">What fo'<br /></span> -<span class="i18">Melican man<br /></span> -<span class="i18">No wantee<br /></span> -<span class="i18">John Chinaman<br /></span> -<span class="i18">Ally mo'?<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">John Chinaman he no punchee head much;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He no, like Melican man, say "Hellee!"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He usee sloap, watel, sclubbin'-blush,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Ebly dayee to help fillee bellee.<br /></span> -<span class="i18">What fo'<br /></span> -<span class="i18">Melican man<br /></span> -<span class="i18">No wantee<br /></span> -<span class="i18">John Chinaman<br /></span> -<span class="i18">Ally mo'?<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">John Chinaman he vellee pool man;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He no have timee to fool away;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He workee allee dayee fast he can:<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He no workee, he no gettee pay.<br /></span> -<span class="i18">What fo'<br /></span> -<span class="i18">Melican man<br /></span> -<span class="i18">No wantee<br /></span> -<span class="i18">John Chinaman<br /></span> -<span class="i18">Ally mo'?<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">John Chinaman no loafee lound the sleets;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He workee hald fo' makee livin':<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He washee collals, shirtee, cuffee, sheets;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He do no beggin' or no t'iefin.<br /></span> -<span class="i18">What fo'<br /></span> -<span class="i18">Melican man<br /></span> -<span class="i18">No wantee<br /></span> -<span class="i18">John Chinaman<br /></span> -<span class="i18">Ally mo'?<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">John Chinaman he havee no votee:<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Is that leason why he no wantee here?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He no go lound 'lection day, and shoutee,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Fightee evelybody smokee cigal, or dlink beer.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> -<span class="i18">What fo'<br /></span> -<span class="i18">Melican man<br /></span> -<span class="i18">No wantee<br /></span> -<span class="i18">John Chinaman<br /></span> -<span class="i18">Ally mo'?<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i48">M. F. D.<br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>THE WHISTLER.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"You have heard,"—said a youth to his sweetheart, who stood<br /></span> -<span class="i0">While he sat on a corn-sheaf, at daylight's decline,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"You have heard of the Danish boy's whistle of wood:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I wish that the Danish boy's whistle were mine."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"And what would you do with it? Tell me," she said,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">While an arch smile played over her beautiful face.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"I would blow it," he answered; "and then my fair maid<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Would fly to my side, and would there take her place."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Is that all you wish for? Why, that may be yours<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Without any magic!" the fair maiden cried:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"A favor so slight one's good-nature secures;"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And she playfully seated herself by his side.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"I would blow it again," said the youth; "and the charm<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Would work so, that not even modesty's check<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Would be able to keep from my neck your white arm."<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She smiled; and she laid her white arm round his neck.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Yet once more I would blow; and the music divine<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Would bring me a third time an exquisite bliss,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You would lay your fair cheek to this brown one of mine:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And your lips, stealing past it, would give me a kiss."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">The maiden laughed out in her innocent glee,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"What a fool of yourself with the whistle you'd make!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For only consider how silly 'twould be<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To sit there and whistle for what you might take."<br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>MOTHER'S DOUGHNUTS.</h2> - - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">El Dorado, 1851.</span> -</p> - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I've jest bin down ter Thompson's, boys,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">'N' feelin' kind o' blue,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I thought I'd look in at "The Ranch,"<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Ter find out what wuz new;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">When I seen this sign a-hangin'<br /></span> -<span class="i2">On a shanty by the lake:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Here's whar yer gets yer doughnuts<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Like yer mother used ter make."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I've seen a grizzly show his teeth;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I've seen Kentucky Pete<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Draw out his shooter, 'n' advise<br /></span> -<span class="i2">A "tenderfoot" ter treat;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But nothin' ever tuk me down<br /></span> -<span class="i2">'N' made my benders shake,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Like that sign about the doughnuts<br /></span> -<span class="i2">That my mother used ter make.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">A sort o' mist shut out the ranch;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">'N' standin' thar instead,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I seen an old white farmhouse,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">With its doors all painted red.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A whiff came through the open door—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Wuz I sleepin', or awake?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The smell wuz that of doughnuts<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Like my mother used ter make.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">The bees wuz hummin' round the porch,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Whar honeysuckles grew;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A yellow dish of apple-sass<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Wuz sittin' thar in view;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">'N' on the table, by the stove,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">An old-time "johnny-cake,"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">'N' a platter full of doughnuts<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Like my mother used ter make.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">A patient form I seemed ter see,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">In tidy dress of black:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I almost thought I heard the words,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">"When will my boy come back?"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">'N' then—the old sign creaked; but now<br /></span> -<span class="i2">It was the boss who spake:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Here's whar yer gets yer doughnuts<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Like yer mother used ter make."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Well, boys, that kind o' broke me up;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">'N' ez I've struck pay gravel,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I ruther think I'll pack my kit,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vamose the ranch, 'n' travel.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I'll make the old folks jubilant;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">'N' if I don't mistake,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I'll try some o' them doughnuts<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Like my mother used ter make.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i27"><em>Charles Follen Adams.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>OVER THE LEFT.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Their deposits were <em>left over night</em> in the bank,—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">In a bank without whisper of fault:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The amounts to their credit were placed on the books,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And were left over night in the vault.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><em>To their credit</em>, I say it, the bank was locked tight,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Guarding thus against fire and theft;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A patrol on the walk, and a new 'lectric light,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Throwing beams to the <em>right</em> and the <em>left</em>.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">*<span style="margin-left: 20%">*</span><span style="margin-left: 20%">*</span><span style="margin-left: 20%">*</span><span style="margin-left: 20%">*</span><br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Just here the cashier he <em>left over night</em>,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Taking all but the house and the soil;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And the <em>long</em> and the <em>short</em> of the story is this,—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He was <em>too long</em> of stocks—<em>short</em> of oil.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">A receiver was called, and he looked o'er the wreck,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And <em>received</em> those who called—thus bereft.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"<em>Have you nothing left over?</em>" they timidly ask:<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He answers, "<em>Yes, over the left</em>."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i50"><em>W. C. Dornin.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>A JOLLY FAT FRIAR.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">A jolly fat friar loved liquor good store,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And he had drunk stoutly at supper;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He mounted his horse in the night at the door,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And he sat with his face at the crupper.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"Some rogue," quoth the friar, "quite dead to remorse,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Some thief, whom a halter will throttle,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Some scoundrel has cut off the head of my horse<br /></span> -<span class="i2">While I was engaged at the bottle,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Which went gluggity, gluggity—glug—glug—glug."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">The tail of the steed pointed south on the dale,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">'Twas the friar's road home straight and level;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But when spurred a horse follows his nose, not his tail,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">So he scampered due north like the devil.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"This new mode of docking," the friar then said,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">"I perceive doesn't make a horse trot ill;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And 'tis cheap—for he never can eat off his head<br /></span> -<span class="i2">While I am engaged at the bottle,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Which goes gluggity, gluggity—glug—glug—glug."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">The steed made a stop—in a pond he had got:<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He was rather for drinking than grazing;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Quoth the friar, "'Tis strange, headless horses should trot;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">But to drink with their tails is amazing!"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Turning round to see whence this phenomenon rose,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">In the pond fell this son of a pottle.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Quoth he, "The head's found, for I'm under his nose;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I wish I were over a bottle,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Which goes gluggity, gluggity—glug—glug—glug."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i38"><span class="smcap">Anonymous.</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>THE ENOCH OF CALAVERAS.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Well, dog my cats! Say, stranger,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">You must have travelled far!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Just flood your lower level<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And light a fresh cigar.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> -<span class="i0">Don't tell me in this weather!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">You hoofed it all the way?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Well, slice my liver lengthwise!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Why, stranger, what's to pay?<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Huntin' yer wife, you tell me:<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Well, now dog-gone my skin!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She thought you dead and buried<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And then bestowed her tin<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Upon another fellow!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Just put it here, old pard!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Some fellows strike the soft things,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">But you have hit it hard.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"I'm right onto your feelin's,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I know how it would be,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">If my own shrub slopped over<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And got away from me.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Say, stranger; that old sage hen,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">That's cookin' thar inside,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Is warranted the finest wool,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And just a square yard wide.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"I wouldn't hurt yer, pardner,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">But I tell <em>you</em>, no man<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Was ever blessed as I am<br /></span> -<span class="i2">With that old pelican.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">It's goin' on some two year<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Since she was j'ined to me,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She was a widder prior,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Her name was Sophy Lee—<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Good God! Old man, what's happened?<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Her? She? Is that the one?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That's her? Your wife, you tell me?<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Now reach down fer yer gun,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I never injured no man,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And no man me, but squealed,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And any one who takes her<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Must do it d—d well heeled!<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Listen? Surely. Certainly<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I'll let you look at her.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Peek through the door, she's in thar,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Is that your furnitur'?<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> -<span class="i0">Speak, man, quick! You're mistaken!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">No! Yours! You recognize<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My wife, your wife the same one?<br /></span> -<span class="i2">The man who says so, lies!<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"Don't mind what I say, pardner,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I'm not much on the gush,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But this thing comes down on me<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Like fours upon a flush.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">If that's your wife—hold—steady!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">That bottle. Now, my coat,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She'll think me dead as you were.<br /></span> -<span class="i2">My pipe. Thar. I'm afloat.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"But let me leave a message.<br /></span> -<span class="i2">No; tell her that I died,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">No, no; not that way, either,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Just tell her that I cried.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">It don't rain much. Now, pardner,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Be to her what I've been.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Or by the God that hates you,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">You'll see me back again!"<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i32"><span class="smcap">F. Bret Harte.</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>CURLY-HEAD.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">What are yer askin', stranger, about that lock o' har<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That's kep' so nice and keerful in the family Bible thar?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Wal, then, I don't mind tellin', seein' as yer wants ter know.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">It's from the head of our baby. Yes, that's him.—Stand up, Joe.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Joe is our only baby, nigh on ter six foot tall;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And he'll be one-and-twenty comin' this next fall.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But he can't yet beat his daddy in the hay-field or the swales,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A-pitchin' on the wagon, or splittin' up the rails.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">For I was a famous chopper, jest eighteen year ago,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">When this strange thing happened, that came to me and Joe.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Curly-head we called him then, sir—his hair is curly yet,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But them long silky ringlets I never shall forget.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Them was tough times, stranger, when all around was new,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And all the kentry forests, with only "blazes" through.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">We lived in the old log-house then, Sally and me and Joe,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">In the old Black-river country, whar we made our clearin' show.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Wal, one day I was choppin' nigh to our cabin door,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A day that I'll remember till kingdom come and more,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And Curly-head was playin' around among the chips;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A beauty, if I do say it, with rosy cheeks and lips.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I don't know how it happened; but quicker'n I can tell,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Our Curly-head had stumbled, and lay thar whar he fell<br /></span> -<span class="i0">On the log that I was choppin', with his yellow curls outspread;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And the heavy axe was fallin' right on his precious head;<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">The next thing, I knew nothin', and all was dark around.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">When I come to, I was lyin' stretched out thar on the ground;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And Curly-head was callin', "O daddy, don't do so!"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I caught him to my bosom, my own dear little Joe.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">All safe, sir. Not a sliver had touched his little head;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But one of his curls was lyin' thar on the log outspread.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">It lay whar the axe was stickin', cut close by its sharpened edge;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And what then was my feelin's, per'aps, sir, you can jedge.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I took the little ringlet, and pressed it to my lips;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Then I kneeled down and prayed, sir, right thar on the chips.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">We put it in the Bible, whar I often read to Joe,—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">"The hairs of your head are numbered;" and, sir, I believe it's so.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i42"><em>B. S. Brooks.</em><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>WARNING TO WOMAN.</h2> - - -<p>"John," said Mrs. Sanscript to her husband one evening -last week, "I've been reading the paper."—"That's nothin'," -grunted John: "I've seen people before who read newspapers."—"Yes; -but there are several things in the paper -I can't understand."—"Then don't read 'em."—"What do -they mean by the strike, John? What is a strike, anyhow?"—"A -strike is where they have struck;" and Sanscript -knocked the ashes from his cigar. "I don't grasp your meaning -exactly," said Mrs. Sanscript, with a puzzled look. -"Now, these strikers have stopped all the railroad-trains in -the country. Why did they do it?"—"To prevent 'em from -running."—"Yes, but why didn't they want trains to run?"—"Because -they wanted more money for running them."—"Do -they pay more for stopping trains than for running -them?"—"No, you stupid woman!"—"Then why in the -world did they stop 'em? why didn't they run more of 'em, or -run 'em faster? Seems to me that would pay better."—"Mary -Ann, you will never surround the problem."—"Maybe -not, John. Some things are gotten up purposely to -bother women. Now here is a column headed 'Base-Ball.' -What is base-ball, John?"—"Don't you know what base-ball -is? Happy woman! you have not lived in vain."—"Here -it says that 'The Hartfords could not collar Cumming's -curves.' What under the sun are Cumming's -curves?"—"It's the way he delivers the ball."—"Is the -ball chained?"—"No, you booby!"—"Then how does he -deliver it?"—"I mean, pitches it."—"Oh! Now here it -says Jones muffed a ball after a hard run. What was a ball -doing after a hard run?"—"Hadn't you better confine your -research to the obituary and marriage columns, Mary, with -an occasional advertisement thrown in to vary the monotony?"—"Yes, -but, John, I want to know! There's Mrs. -Racket, over the way, who goes to all the base-ball games, -and comes home to talk me blind about 'fly fouls,' 'base -hits,' 'sky-scrapers,' and all those things. For heaven's -sake, John, what is a sky-scraper?"—"Compose yourself, -old woman. You are treading on dangerous ground; your -feet are on slippery rocks, while raging billows roll beneath."—"Mercy -on me! What do you mean?"—"I mean, my -dear madam, that whenever a woman begins to pry about -among three strikes, fair balls, base hits, daisy cutters, home<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> -runs, and kindred subjects, she's in danger of being lost."—"Well, -I confess I'm completely lost to know what this -newspaper means when it says Addy stole a base, while -the spectators applauded. Have we come to such a pass -that society will applaud a theft? Why wasn't Addy arrested? -Now here's Manning put out by Start, assisted by -Carey, and I can't see that he did any thing wrong, either. -Jemima Christopher! Here it says that Pike flew out. I -don't believe a word of it. I never saw a man fly yet, and -I won't believe it can be done till I see it with my own eyes. -John, what makes these newspaper men lie so horribly?"</p> - -<p>John was asleep; and Mrs. Sanscript turned gloomily, not -to say sceptically, to the letter-list for information. Newspapers -were not made for women.</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>AN EXCITING CONTEST.</h2> - - -<p>We have doubts about the following story, which comes -to us from the interior; but the author is responsible for -what he says, and his name can be obtained upon application -at this office.</p> - -<p>Last winter two of my neighbors, Mr. Miller and Mr. -Grant, lost their wives upon the same day; and both of the -funerals took place three days afterwards, the interments -being made at the cemetery about the same hour. As the -two funeral parties were coming out of the burying-ground, -Miller met Grant; and, clasping each other's hand, they indulged -in a sympathetic squeeze, and the following conversation -ensued:—</p> - -<p><em>Miller.</em> "I'm sorry for you. It's an unspeakable loss, -isn't it?"</p> - -<p><em>Grant.</em> "Awful! She was the best woman that ever -lived."</p> - -<p><em>Miller.</em> "She was, indeed. I never met her equal. She -was a good wife to me."</p> - -<p><em>Grant.</em> "I was referring to my wife. There couldn't be -two best, you know."</p> - -<p><em>Miller.</em> "Yes, I know. I know well enough that your wife -couldn't hold a candle to mine."</p> - -<p><em>Grant.</em> "She couldn't, hey? Couldn't hold a candle! -Why, she could dance all round Mrs. Miller every day in the -week, including Sundays, and not half try! She was an -unmitigated angel, take her any way you would."</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p> - -<p><em>Miller.</em> "Oh! she was, was she? Well, I don't want to -be personal; but if I owned a cross-eyed angel with red hair -and no teeth, and as bony as an omnibus-horse, I'd kill her -if she didn't die of her own accord. Dance!—how could a -woman dance that had feet like candle-boxes, and lame at -that?"</p> - -<p><em>Grant.</em> "Better be cross-eyed than wear the kind of a -red nose that your wife flourished around this community. -I bet it'll burn a hole through the coffin-lid. And you pretend -you're sorry she's gone. But you can't impose on me: -I know you're so glad you can hardly hold in. She was the -chuckle-headedest woman that ever disgraced a graveyard: -that's what <em>she</em> was."</p> - -<p><em>Miller.</em> "If you abuse my wife, I'll knock you down."</p> - -<p><em>Grant.</em> "I'd like to see you try it."</p> - -<p>Then the two disconsolate widowers engaged in a hand-to-hand -combat; and, after tussling a while in the snow, the -mourners pulled them apart, just as Mr. Miller was about -to insist upon his wife's virtues by biting off Mr. Grant's -nose.</p> - -<p>When they got home, Mr. Grant tied crape upon all his -window-shutters to show how deeply he mourned; and, as -Miller knew that his grief for Mrs. Miller was deeper, he -not only decorated his shutters, but he fixed five yards of -black bombazine on the bell-pull, and dressed his whole -family in mourning. Then Grant determined that his duty -to the departed was not to let himself be beaten by a man -who couldn't feel any genuine sorrow: so he sewed a black -flag on his lightning-rod, and festooned the front of his -house with black alpaca.</p> - -<p>Then Miller became excited; and he expressed his sense -of bereavement by painting his dwelling black, and by putting -up a monument to Mrs. Miller in his front-yard. Grant -thereupon stained his yellow horse with lampblack, tied -crape to his cow's horn, daubed his dog with ink, and began -to wipe his nose on a black handkerchief. As soon as Miller -saw these proceedings, he spread a layer of charcoal all over -his front-yard, he assumed a black shirt, he corked the faces -of his family when they went to church, and he hired a -colored man to stand on his steps and cry for twelve hours -every day. Just as Grant was about to see this, and go it -one better, he encountered Miss Lang, a young lady from the -city; and in a couple of weeks they were engaged. Then -he began to take in the evidences of his grief; and this<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span> -made Miller so mad, that he went around and proposed to -Miss Jones, an old maid who never had an offer before. -She accepted him on the spot; and they were married the -day before Grant's wedding, which so disgusted him that he -would have given up Lang if she hadn't threatened him -with a suit for breach of promise. There is peace between -the two families now; but, when Mrs. Miller gets on the -rampage sometimes, Mr. Miller mourns for his first wife -more than ever.</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>A LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.</h2> - - -<p>Admiring my flowers, sir? P'raps you'd step inside the -gate, and walk round my little place? It ain't big, but -there's plenty of variety,—violets and cabbages, roses and -artichokes. Any one that didn't care for flowers 'ud be sure -to find beauty in them young spring onions. People's ideas -differ very much, there ain't a doubt of it. One man's very -happy over a glass of whiskey and water, and another thinks -every thing 'ud go straight in this 'ere world if we all drank -tea and lemonade. And it's right enough: it keeps things -even. We should have the world a very one-sided affair if -everybody pulled the same way. Philosopher, am I? Well, -I dunno. I've got a theory to be sure—every one has nowadays; -and mine is, that there is a joke to be found in every -mortal thing if only we look in the right place for it. But -some people don't know how to look for it. Why, sir, if -you'll believe it, I was talking to a man yesterday that -couldn't see any thing to laugh at in the naval demonstration.</p> - -<p>Am I independent? Well, I makes money by my fruit -and vegetables, if that's what you mean. But there's so -many ways of being independent. One man marries a -woman with £20,000 a year, and calls that independence. -Another votes on the strongest side, and calls that being independent. -One takes up every new-fangled idea that -comes out, and says he's independent. Some calls impudence -independence. There's not a name as fits so many -different articles. No! I've never bin married. Somehow, I -don't think married men see the fun in every thing same as -single ones. I don't mean to be disrespectful to the ladies, -but I do think they enjoy a good cry more than a good<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span> -laugh. Was I ever in love? and did I laugh then? Why, -yes, never laughed heartier in my life. It's a good many -years ago now. I was living in lodgings down Clerkenwell -way, and the landlady's daughter was as pretty a creature as -ever you see, bright and cheery, like a robin, when first I -knew her. But, by and by, she grew pale and peaky,—used -to go about the house without singing, and had such big, -sad-looking eyes. Her home wasn't a particularly happy -one, for her mother was a nagger. Perhaps you've never -come across a woman of that pertikler character. Well, -then, you should say double the prayers of ordinary people; -for you've much to be thankful for. I never looked at her -without feeling that her husband must have been very -happy indeed when he got to heaven. I sometimes think, -sir, that women of this sort might be made use of, and -prisons, and all other kind of punishment, done away with: -perhaps, though, the lunatic asylums 'ud get too full.</p> - -<p>Well, I grew to be quite intimate with Bessie; and one -evening, I don't know how it was, she told me all her troubles. -She was engaged to a young man; and her mother -wouldn't consent to them marrying, and was always worrying -her to break it off. I asked her if there were any thing -against him. Nothing, except that her mother had taken a -dislike to him: he wasn't very strong, but he was the best, -cleverest, dearest fellow that ever lived. All the time she -was talking I felt a gnawing sort of pain somewhere in my -inside. First, I thought I must be hungry; but, when I came -to eat, all my food seemed to get in my throat, and stick -there. This won't do, old fellow, thinks I: there must be -a joke to be got out of it somewhere. So I set to consider; -and there, clear enough, it was. Why, the joke 'ud be to let -Bessie marry her young man, and see the pretty cheeks grow -round and pink again. But how to do it, there was the rub. -I began to cultivate the old lady's society with a view to -finding out her weak point: for, being a woman, of course -she had a weak point; and, being a very ugly woman, what -do you think it was? Why, vanity, to be sure. I soon noticed -a change in her. She took her hair out of paper every -day, instead of only on Sundays, as she had been used to do; -and she put on a clean cap sometimes, and smirked whenever -I passed her. Why, here's a bigger joke than I bargained -for, thinks I! While I've been studying the woman to find -out her weak point, she thinks I've been admiring her. But<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span> -I soon saw what use I could make of this. I went down -into the kitchen when she wasn't busy,—I knew it would be -rather too hot other times,—and I got talking about Bessie. -"It's strange," I says, "that a fine-looking girl like that -shouldn't have a sweetheart. Things was different when -you was younger, I'll be bound."</p> - -<p>"As for that," says she, "Bessie has a sweetheart; but -I don't approve of him. He's not exactly the sort of man I -expected for her."</p> - -<p>"But, lor'," I says, "you wouldn't go and keep that girl -single! Think what harm you may do yourself. You can't -be so cruel as to give up all idea of marrying agin! Why, -you don't look forty." That wasn't an untruth, for she -looked fifty. She tossed her head, and told me to go along. -I didn't go along. I says, "There's no doubt lots of young -fellows 'ud be glad enough of a good-looking wife like you, -but mightn't care for a daughter as old as Miss Bessie." -This seemed to strike her very much. I followed it up, got -talking to her day after day, and always led the conversation -to the same point. At last one day when I came home -from work, she says, "It's all settled. Bessie's going to be -married, and her Tom's coming here this evening." Then I -went up to my own room, and laughed till I cried. Presently -I heard the little girl run up-stairs as she hadn't run -for many a long day, and I knew she'd gone to put on a -smart ribbon for Tom's sake. She tapped at my door as -she passed. Would I come down? somebody was there, -and wanted to know me. I called out that I was busy, and -couldn't come; and she went away. But after about an hour -she came again. I was sitting in the dark, thinking of a -good many things; and before I had time to speak she was -down oh her knees beside me, and hiding her face.</p> - -<p>"You told me you were busy," she said; "and here you -are all in the dark and cold, and I can't bear any one to be -dull or lonely to-night, because I'm so very, very happy. -And I know it's all through you. Mother would never have -given in of her own accord. You've always been my friend -when I wanted one very badly; and now you must be angry -with me, or you wouldn't stay away to-night. And you -won't even speak to me. Oh, whatever I've done to vex -you, don't think of it any more!"</p> - -<p>She nestled up to me so close that her hair touched my -coat-sleeve, and her pretty eyes looked up all swimming<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span> -with tears. I ground my teeth, and clinched my hands, or—or -I don't know what I mightn't ha' done. You see the joke -of this, sir, don't you? Here was the girl crying, and asking -me to forgive her, and like her a little; and there was I—not -disliking her a bit all the time. Ha, ha, ha! I had a hearty -laugh at her, and hurried with her down-stairs, and was introduced -to Tom, and I talked to the old lady, and drank the -young people's health, and was as happy as possible. And -on the wedding-day I gave her away as if I had been her -father; and I sang a song and danced: and, when the time -came for Bessie to go away with her husband, I dried her -eyes; for at the last moment the tender-hearted little thing -broke down, and cried, and kissed us all, and asked her -mother not to feel angry with her for leaving her all alone; -and then the mother cried, and what with having so many -eyes to wipe, I found myself wiping my own just as if it all -weren't a tremendous joke.</p> - -<p>How have they got on since? 'Bout as well as most people, -I suppose: she loves him, and takes care of him. And -the mother's softened down a bit since she's bin a grandmother. -And as to my godson, there never was such a boy. -I have him with me as much as possible, and he's beginning -to see the joke of every thing almost as much as I do myself. -And when I die, all this little place'll belong to him, and -he'll be a rich man: so my death'll be the biggest joke of all, -you see, sir.</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>IN DER SHWEED LONG AGO.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">In der shweed long ago I dinked I vas shmard,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und I dinked I did vant me a vife<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To share all my money und sorrows und joys,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und to helb me along drough my life.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I vanted a lady kind-hearted und goot,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot vas handsome und sensiple doo,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dot cood blay der biano or cook a beefshdeak,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Darn my shdockings or made me a shdew.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">She must nod be doo shmall-seized or neider doo dall,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und she musn'd be old or doo young,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und ven I vas shboking had visdom enuff<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To alwoys kebd quied her tongue.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> -<span class="i0">She musd nod be doo dark or agin be doo lighd—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">A kinder bedwixed und bedween;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She musd nod knew doo leedle, or vorse, knew it all,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Or be vat some beebles call "creen."<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">She musd be good-nadured, vear always a shmile,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">No madder of dings did vent wrong;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ven my friends came around for to make me a call,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Be ready to sung dem a song.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Of der lodge bisness habben'd to kebd me oud lade,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und I come valdzing home "dighdly-shlighd,"<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She musd pet und caress me, und dank her good shdars<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot I didn'd shdaid apsend all nighd.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">In a vord, be berfecd—mind, feature, und form—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">From her feet to der crown of her head.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Now, dot vas der damsel dot I had in view,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und der von I vas villing to ved.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dot's a long dime ago, and my head dot vas pald,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And I vas a pachelor shdill.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My gal, I hafe nefer saw shkibbing round loose—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vat's more, I don'd dink dot I vill.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i38"><span class="smcap">Oofty Gooft.</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>DOT STUPPORN PONY.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I growt so ferry heffy<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot too much de walkin' pe,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">So I pyed me of von pony;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">But dot pettler he sheat me.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Bote eyes of him was limpy,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Bote leeks of him vas plint;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But dot vot prake of me mine heart<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dot pony vas oonkint.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">He keeck shust like a chackess,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Oop, town, pefore, pehint;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und how to cure dot pony<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I rollt oop in my mint.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span> -<span class="i0">Dot sympathee vas nonsense,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Shust efery dinks he preak;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vhen sutton coomt von grant itee,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I tole you how I make:<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I keetch him mit de shafters,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">But—outsite in instet—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">His het oop py dot vagon,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">His dail vere vos his het.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Den—one, doo, tree—I schlag him.<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Ach, himmel! how he keeck!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But vhen he fints he noddings stroock,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He stop dot pooty queeck.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Den looks he oop aschtountet,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Oxcited pooty pat;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Den sutten makes he backvarts,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Like as of he vas mat<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I laugh as I vas tying<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vhen I see him go dat vay;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Den on his haunch he stoomples town,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">As he vas going to bray.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">How schamt he look, vateffer!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I tole him vat I dinks;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Doo dears drop oud his eyepalls,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Mit grief his dail he vinks.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Arount all right I toorn him,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">His het pefore him now,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und streecks!—he trives as goot und kind<br /></span> -<span class="i2">As he vas peen my frau!<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i24"><span class="smcap">Harry Woodson.</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>SPOOPENDYKE OPENING OYSTERS.</h2> - - -<p>"My dear," queried Mr. Spoopendyke, "did you put those -oysters on the cellar floor with the round shells down, as I -told you to?"</p> - -<p>"I did most of 'em," replied Mrs. Spoopendyke. "Some -of 'em wouldn't stay that way. They turned right over."</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span></p> - -<p>"Must have been extraordinary intelligent oysters," -murmured Mr. Spoopendyke, eying her with suspicion. -"Didn't any of 'em stand up on end, and ask for the -morning paper, did they?"</p> - -<p>"You know what I mean," fluttered Mrs. Spoopendyke. -"They tipped over sideways, and so I laid them on the flat -shell."</p> - -<p>"That's right," grunted Mr. Spoopendyke. "You want -to give an oyster his own way, or you'll hurt his feelings. -Suppose you bring up some of those gifted oysters, and an -oyster-knife, and we'll eat 'em."</p> - -<p>Mrs. Spoopendyke hurried away, and pattered back with -the feast duly set out on a tea-waiter, which she placed -before Mr. Spoopendyke with a flourish.</p> - -<p>"Now," said she, drawing up her sewing-chair, and resting -her elbows on her knees, and her chin on her hands, -"when you get all you want, you may open me some."</p> - -<p>Mr. Spoopendyke whirled the knife around his head, and -brought it down with a sharp crack. Then he clipped away -at the end a moment, and jabbed at what he supposed was -the opening. The knife slipped, and ploughed the bark off -his thumb.</p> - -<p>"Won't come open, won't ye?" he shouted, fetching it -another lick, and jabbing away again. "Haven't completed -your census of who's out here working at ye, have -ye?" and he brought it another whack. "P'rhaps ye think -I haven't fully made up my mind to inquire within, don't -ye?" and he rammed the point of the knife at it, knocking -the skin off his knuckles.</p> - -<p>"That isn't the way to open an oyster," suggested Mrs. -Spoopendyke.</p> - -<p>"Look here," roared Mr. Spoopendyke, turning fiercely on -his wife. "Have you got any private understanding with -this oyster? Has the oyster confided in you the particular -way in which he wants to be opened?"</p> - -<p>"No-o!" stammered Mrs. Spoopendyke. "Only I -thought"—</p> - -<p>"This is no time for thought!" shouted Mr. Spoopendyke, -banging away at the edge of the shell. "This is the -moment for battle; and if I've happened to catch this oyster -during office hours, he's going to enter into relations with -the undersigned. Come out, will ye?" he yelled, as the -knife flew up his sleeve. "Maybe ye don't recognize the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span> -voice of Spoopendyke. Come out, ye measly coward, before -ye make an enemy of me for life!" and he belted away at -the shell with the handle of the knife, and spattered mud -like a dredging-machine.</p> - -<p>"Let me get you a hammer to crack him with," recommended -Mrs. Spoopendyke, hovering over her husband in -great perturbation.</p> - -<p>"Don't want any hammer," howled Mr. Spoopendyke, -slamming around with his knife. "S'pose I'm going to use -brute force on a measly fish that I could swallow alive if I -could only get him out of his house? Open your measly -premises!" raved Mr. Spoopendyke, stabbing at the oyster -vindictively, and slicing his shirt-sleeve clear to the elbow. -"Come forth, and enjoy the society of Spoopendyke!" And -the worthy gentleman foamed at the mouth, and he sunk -back in his chair, and contemplated his stubborn foe with -glaring eyes.</p> - -<p>"I'll tell you what to do," exclaimed Mrs. Spoopendyke, -radiant with a profound idea. "Crack him in the door."</p> - -<p>"That's the scheme," grinned Mr. Spoopendyke, with -horrible contortions of visage. "Fetch me the door. Set -that door right before me on a plate. This oyster is going -to stay here. If you think this oyster is going to enjoy any -change of climate until he strikes the tropics of Spoopendyke, -you don't know the domestic habits of shell-fish. -Loose your hold!" squealed Mr. Spoopendyke, returning to -the charge, and fetching the bivalve a prodigious whack. -"Come into the outer world, where all is gay and beautiful. -Come out, and let me introduce you to my wife." And Mr. -Spoopendyke laid the oyster on the arm of his chair, and -slugged him remorselessly.</p> - -<p>"Wait," squealed Mrs. Spoopendyke: "here's one with his -mouth open," and she pointed cautiously at a gaping oyster, -who had evidently taken down the shutters to see what the -row was about.</p> - -<p>"Don't care a measly nickel with a hole in it," protested -Mr. Spoopendyke, thoroughly impatient. "Here's one -that's going to open his mouth, or the resurrection will find -him still wrestling with the ostensible head of this family. -Ow!" and Mr. Spoopendyke, having rammed the knife into -the palm of his hand, slammed the oyster against the -chimney-piece, where it was shattered, and danced around -the room wriggling with wrath and agony.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p> - -<p>"Never mind the oysters, dear," cried Mrs. Spoopendyke, -following him around, and trying to disengage his wounded -hand from his armpit.</p> - -<p>"Who's minding 'em?" roared Mr. Spoopendyke, standing -on one leg, and bending up double. "I tell ye that -when I start to inflict discipline on a narrow-minded oyster -that won't either accept an invitation or send regrets, he's -going to mind me! Where's the oyster? Show me the -oyster! Arraign the oyster!"</p> - -<p>"Upon my word, you've opened him," giggled Mrs. Spoopendyke, -picking up the smashed bivalve between the tips -of her thumb and forefinger.</p> - -<p>"Won't have him," sniffed Mr. Spoopendyke, eying the -broken shell, and firing his defeated enemy into the grate. -"If I can't go in the front-door of an oyster, I'm not going -down the scuttle. That all comes of laying 'em on the flat -shell," he continued, suddenly recollecting that his wife was -to blame for the whole business. "Now you take the rest -of 'em down, and lay 'em as I told you to."</p> - -<p>"Yes, dear."</p> - -<p>"And another time you want any oysters, you sit around -in the cellar, and when they open their mouths you put -sticks in. You hear?"</p> - -<p>"Yes, dear."</p> - -<p>And Mrs. Spoopendyke took the bivalves back, resolving -that the next time they were in demand they would crawl -out of their shells, and walk up-stairs arm in arm, before -she would have any hand in the mutilation of her poor, dear, -suffering husband by bringing them up herself.</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Stanley Huntley.</span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>TO A FRIEND STUDYING GERMAN.</h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache?<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Denn set it on your card,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dat all de nouns have shenders,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und de shenders all are hard;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dere ish also dings called pronoms,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vitch it's shoost ash vell to know;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Boot ach! de verbs, or timevords—<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dey'll vork you bitter voe.<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache?<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Den you allatag moost go<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To sinfonies, sonatas,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Or an oritorio.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vhen you dinks you knows 'pout musik<br /></span> -<span class="i2">More ash any oder man,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Be sure de soul of Deutschland<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Into your soul ish ran.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache?<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dou moost eat apout a peck<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A veek of stinging sauerkraut,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und sefen pounds of speck,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Mit Gott knows vot in vinegar,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und deuce knows vot in rum;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dish ish de only cerdain way<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To make de accents coom.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache?<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Brepare dein soul to shtand<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Soosh sendences ash ne'er vas heardt<br /></span> -<span class="i2">In any oder land.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Till dou canst make parenteses<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Intwisted—ohne zahl—<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Dann wirst du erst Deutschfertig seyn;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">For a languashe ideal.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache?<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Dou must mitout all fear<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Trink efery tay an gallon dry<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Of foamin' Sherman beer.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und de more you trinks, pe certain<br /></span> -<span class="i2">More Deutsche you'll surely pe;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For Gambrinus is de Emperor<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Of de whole of Shermany.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vill'st dou learn de Deutsche Sprache?<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Be sholly, brav, an' treu,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For dat veller is kein Deutscher<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Who ish not a sholly poy,<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> -<span class="i0">Find out vot means Gemuthlichkeit,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und do it mitout fail,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">In Sang und Klang dein Lebenlang,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">A brick—gans Kreuzfidel.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vill'st dou learn de deutsche Sprache?<br /></span> -<span class="i2">If a shendleman dou art,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Denn shtrike right indo Deutschland<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Und get a schveetes heart,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">From Schwabenland or Sachsen,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Vhere now dis writer pees;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und de bretty girls all wachsen<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Shoost like apples on de drees.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Boot if dou bee'st a laty,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Denn, on de odder hand,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Take a blonde moustachiod lofer<br /></span> -<span class="i2">In de vine green Sherman land,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Und if you shoost kit married<br /></span> -<span class="i2">(Vood mit vood soon makes a vire),<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You'll learn to sprechen Deutsch, mein Kind,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Ash fast as you tesire.<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i20"><span class="smcap">Charles Godfrey Leland.</span><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>TAMMY'S PRIZE.</h2> - - -<p>"Awa' wi' ye, Tammy man, awa' wi' ye to the schule, -aye standin' haverin'," and the old shoemaker looked up -through his tear-dimmed spectacles at his son, who was -standing with his cap on and his book in his hand.</p> - -<p>Tammy made a move to the door. "An' is't the truth, -Tammy? and does the maister say't himsel'? Say't ower -again."</p> - -<p>The boy turned back, and stood looking on the ground.</p> - -<p>"It wasna muckle he said, fayther. He just said, 'It'll -be Tammy Rutherford that'll get the prize i' the coontin.'"</p> - -<p>"He said you, did he?" said the old man, as if he had -heard it for the first time, and not for the hundredth.</p> - -<p>Again Tammy made a move for the door; and again the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span> -fond father would have called him back, had not the schoolbell -at that instant rung out loud and clear.</p> - -<p>"Ay, ay!" said he to himself, after his son had gone, "a -right likely lad, and a credit to his fayther;" and he bent -again to the shoe he was working at, though he could -scarcely see it for the tears that started in his eyes.</p> - -<p>The satisfied smile had not worn off his face when the -figure of a stout woman appeared at the door. The shoemaker -took off his spectacles, and wiped them, and then -turned to the new-comer.</p> - -<p>"A bra' day till ye, Mistress Knicht. An' hoo'll ye be -keepin'?"</p> - -<p>"Oh! brawly, Maister Rutherford. It's the sheen I've come -aboot for my guidman; the auld anes are sare crackit."</p> - -<p>"Aweel, mistress, the new anes'll be deen the morn. Set -yersel' doon;" and, complying with this invitation, she sat -down. "An' hoo's yere Sandie gettin' on at the schule, -Mistress Knicht?"</p> - -<p>"'Deed, noo ye speak on't, he's a sare loon; he'll niver -look at's lessons."</p> - -<p>"He winna be ha'in' ony o' the prizes, I'm thinkin' at -that gate."</p> - -<p>"Na, na; he'll niver bother his heed aboot them. But -he's sayin' yer Tam'll ha'e the coontin' prize."</p> - -<p>"Ye <em>dinna</em> say sae! Weel, that is news." And he looked -up with ill-concealed pride. "The lad was talkin' o't himsel'; -but 'deed I niver thocht on't. But there's nae sayin'."</p> - -<p>"Aweel, guid-day to ye; and I'll look in the morn for the -sheen."</p> - -<p>"An' are they sayin' Tam'll ha'e a prize?" continued the -old man.</p> - -<p>"Ay, ay; the laddie was sayin' sae." And she went -away.</p> - -<p>The shoemaker seemed to have fallen on a pleasant train -of thought; for he smiled away to himself, and occasionally -picked up a boot, which he as soon let drop. Visions of -Tammy's future greatness rose before his mind. Perhaps -of too slight a fabric were they built; but he saw Tammy -a great and honored man, and Tammy's father leaning on -his son's greatness....</p> - -<p>"Presairve us a'! it's mair nor half-six!" (half-past five.) -And he started up from his revery. "Schule'll hae been -oot an 'oor, an' the laddie's no hame." And he got up, and -moved towards the door. The sun was just sinking behind -the horizon, and the light was dim in the village street.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span> -He put up his hand to his eyes, and peered down in the -direction of the school.</p> - -<p>"What in a' the world's airth's keepin' him?" he muttered; -and then turning round he stumbled through the -darkness of his workshop to the little room behind. He -filled an antiquated kettle, and set it on the fire. Then he -went to the cupboard, and brought out half a loaf, some -cheese, a brown teapot, and a mysterious parcel. He placed -these on the table, and then gravely and carefully unrolled -the little parcel, which turned out to be tea.</p> - -<p>"Presairve us, I can niver min' whaur ye put the tea, or -hoo muckle. It's an awfu' waicht on the min' to make tea."</p> - -<p>His wife had died two years before; and his little son, -with the assistance of a kindly neighbor, had managed to -cook their humble meals. Porridge was their chief fare; -but a cup of tea was taken as a luxury every evening.</p> - -<p>"I'm jist some fear't about it. I'll waicht till Tammas -comes in;" and he went out again to the door to see what -news there was of his son.</p> - -<p>The sun had completely disappeared now; and the village -would have been quite dark had it not been for the light in -the grocer's window, a few doors down.</p> - -<p>The shoemaker leaned against his cottage, and tried to see if -any one were in sight; but not a soul seemed about, although -now and then a sound of laughter was borne up the street.</p> - -<p>The door of his next neighbor's house was wide open. -He looked in, and saw a woman standing at the fire, superintending -some cooking operation, with her back to him.</p> - -<p>"Is yer Jim in, mistress?"</p> - -<p>"Na," she said, without turning her head. "He'll be doon -at some o' his plays. He's nae been in frae the schule yet."</p> - -<p>"It's the same wi' Tam. Losh! I'm wunnerin, what's -keepin' him."</p> - -<p>"Keepin' him, say ye? What wad keep a laddie?"</p> - -<p>Half satisfied, the shoemaker went back to his house, and -found the kettle singing merrily on the fire. He felt a little -anxious. The boy was always home in good time. He -crept round again to his neighbor's.</p> - -<p>"I'm gettin' fear't about him," he said: "he's niver been -sae late's this."</p> - -<p>"Hoot, awa' wi' ye! he'll be doon, maybe, at the bathin' -wi' the lave, but I'll gang doon the village wi' ye, an' we'll -soon fin' the laddie."</p> - -<p>She hastily put her bonnet on her head, for the night air -was cold, and they both stood together outside the cottage.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p> - -<p>He clutched her arm. What was that? Through the -still night air, along the dark street, came the sound of -muffled feet and hushed voices, as of those who bore a burden. -With blanched face the old man tried to speak, but -he could not. A fearful thought came upon him....</p> - -<p>They are coming nearer. They are stopping and crowding -together, and whispering low. The two listeners crept up -to them; and there in the middle of the group lay Tammy -dead—drowned.</p> - -<p>With a loud shriek, "Tammy, my Tammy!" the old man -fell down beside the body of his son.</p> - -<p>They carried both in together into the little room behind -the shop, and went out quietly, leaving one of their number -who volunteered to stay all night.</p> - -<p>The shoemaker soon revived. He sat down on one side -of the fire, and the man who watched with him sat on the -other. The kettle was soon on the fire, and he watched its -steam rising with a half-interested indifference. Then at -times he would seem to remember that something had happened; -and he would creep to the side of the bed where the -body lay, and gaze on the straight, handsome features and -the bloodless cheeks, quiet and cold in death. "Tammy, -my man; my ain Tammy, speak to me ance—jist ance—I'm -awfu' lonesome-like." Then the watcher would lead -him quietly to his seat by the fire; and there they sat the -whole night long, till the stir of the outer world aroused -them....</p> - -<p>The school is filled with happy, pleasant faces. The -prize day has come. There stands the minister, looking -very important, and the schoolmaster very excited. The -prizes are all arranged on a table before the minister, and -the forms for the prize-winners are before the table. And -now every thing is ready. The minister begins by telling -the parents present how he has examined the school, and -found the children quite up to the mark; and then he addresses -a few words to the children, winding up his remarks -by telling them how at school he had thought that "multiplication -is a vexation," &c., but that now he found the use -of it. And then the children laughed, for they heard the -same speech every year; but it made the excitement greater -when they had the prizes to look at, as they shone on the -table in their gorgeous gilding, during the speech. And -now the schoolmaster is going to read out the prize-winners,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span> -and the children are almost breathless with excitement,—you -might have heard a pin drop,—when from the end of -the room, a figure totters forward, the figure of an old man, -white-headed, and with a strange, glassy look in his eye. -He advances to where the children are sitting, and takes his -place amongst them. Every one looks compassionately -towards him, and women are drying their eyes with their -aprons. The schoolmaster hesitates a moment, and looks at -the minister. The minister nods to him, and he begins the -list. It is with almost a saddened look that the children -come to take their prizes, for they think of the sharp, -bright, active playmate who was so lately with them; and -they gaze timidly towards his father who sits in their midst.</p> - -<p>"Thomas Rutherford," reads out the master, "gained the -prize for arithmetic."</p> - -<p>"I'll tak' Tam's prize for him. The laddie's na weel. -He's awa'. I'll tak' it;" and the shoemaker moved hastily -up to the table.</p> - -<p>The minister handed him the book; and, silently taking -it, he made his way to the door....</p> - -<p>A quiet old man moves listlessly about the village. He -does nothing, but every one has a kind word for him. He -never walks towards the river, but shudders when its name -is mentioned. He sits in his workshop often, and looks up -expectantly when he hears the joyous shout of the boys as -they come out of school, and then a look of pain flits across -his face. He has one treasure,—a book, which he keeps -along with his family Bible, and he is never tired of reading -through his blurred spectacles the words on the first page:—</p> - -<p class="center">BARNES SCHOOL.<br /> -FIRST CLASS.<br /> -PRIZE FOR ARITHMETIC<br /> -AWARDED TO<br /> -THOMAS RUTHERFORD. -</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>THE SCOTCHMAN AT THE PLAY.</h2> - - -<p>After paying our money at the door, never while I live -and breathe will I forget what we saw and heard that night.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span> -It just looks to me, by all the world, when I think on it, like -a fairy dream. The place was crowded to the full; Maister -Glen and me having nearly got our ribs dung in before we -found a seat, the folks behind being obliged to mount the -back benches to get a sight. Right to the forehand of us -was a large green curtain, some five or six ells wide, a good -deal the worse of the wear, having seen service through two-three -summers: and just in the front of it were eight or -ten penny candles stuck in a board fastened to the ground, -to let us see the players' feet like, when they came on the -stage; and even before they came on the stage; for, the -curtain being scrimpit in length, we saw legs and sandals -moving behind the scenes very neatly; while two blind -fiddlers they had brought with them played the bonniest ye -ever heard. 'Od! the very music was worth a sixpence of -itself.</p> - -<p>The place, as I said before, was choke-full, just to excess; -so that one could scarcely breathe. Indeed, I never saw any -part so crowded, not even at a tent-preaching when the Rev. -Mr. Roarer was giving his discourses on the building of -Solomon's Temple. We were obligated to have the windows -opened for a mouthful of fresh air, the barn being as close -as a baker's oven, my neighbor and me fanning our red -faces with our hats to keep us cool; and, though all were -half stewed, we certainly had the worst of it, the toddy we -had taken having fermented the blood of our bodies into a -perfect fever.</p> - -<p>Just at the time that the two blind fiddlers were playing -the "Downfall of Paris" a hand-bell rang, and up goes the -green curtain; being hauled to the ceiling, as I observed -with the tail of my eye, by a birkie at the side, that had -hold of a rope. So, on the music stopping, and all becoming -as still as that you might have heard a pin fall, in comes -a decent old gentleman at his leisure, well powdered, with -an old-fashioned coat on, waistcoat with flap-pockets, brown -breeches with buckles at the knees, and silk stockings with -red gushats on a blue ground. I never saw a man in such -distress: he stamped about, and better stamped about, dadding -the end of his staff on the ground, and imploring all -the powers of heaven and earth to help him to find out his -runaway daughter, that had decamped with some ne'er-do-weel -loon of a half-pay captain, that keppit her in his arms -from her bedroom-window, up two pair of stairs.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p> - -<p>Every father and head of a family must have felt for a -man in his situation, thus to be robbed of his dear bairn, -and an only daughter too, as he told us over and over again, -as the salt, salt tears ran gushing down his withered face, -and he aye blew his nose on his clean calendered pocket-napkin. -But, ye know, the thing was absurd to suppose -that we should know any inkling about the matter, having -never seen him or his daughter between the een before, and -not kenning them by headmark: so, though we sympathized -with him, as folks ought to do with a fellow-creature in -affliction, we thought it best to hold our tongues, to see -what might cast up better than he expected. So out he went -stumping at the other side, determined, he said, to find them -out, though he should follow them to the world's end, -Johnny Groat's house, or something to that effect.</p> - -<p>Hardly was his back turned, and almost before ye could -cry Jack Robison, in comes the birkie and the very young -lady the old gentleman described, arm-and-arm together, -smoodging and laughing like daft. Dog on it! it was a -shameless piece of business. As true as death, before all -the crowd of folk, he put his arm round her waist, and -called her his sweetheart, and love, and dearie, and darling, -and every thing that is fine. If they had been courting in a -close together on a Friday night, they could not have said -more to one another, or gone greater lengths. I thought -such shame to be an eye-witness to sic on-goings, that I was -obliged at last to hold up my hat before my face, and look -down; though, for all that, the young lad, to be such a -blackguard as his conduct showed, was well enough faured, -and had a good coat to his back, with double gilt buttons -and fashionable lapels, to say little of a very well-made -pair of buckskins, a thought the worse of the wear, to be -sure, but which, if they had been well cleaned, would have -looked almost as good as new. How they had come we -never could learn, as we neither saw chaise nor gig; but, -from his having spurs on his boots, it is more than likely -that they had lighted at the back-door of the barn from a -horse, she riding on a pad behind him, maybe, with her -hand round his waist.</p> - -<p>The father looked to be a rich old bool, both from his -manner of speaking, and the rewards he seemed to offer -for the apprehension of his daughter; but, to be sure, when -so many of us were present that had an equal right to the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span> -spullaie, it would not be a great deal, a thousand pounds, when -divided. Still it was worth the looking after: so we just -bidit a wee.</p> - -<p>Things were brought to a bearing, howsoever, sooner than -either themselves, I dare say, or anybody else present, seemed -to have the least glimpse of: for, just in the middle of their -fine goings-on, the sound of a coming foot was heard; and -the lassie, taking guilt to her, cried out, "Hide me, hide -me, for the sake of goodness! for yonder comes my old -father!"</p> - -<p>No sooner said than done. In he stappit her into a closet; -and, after shutting the door on her, he sat down upon a -chair, pretending to be asleep, in the twinkling of a walking-stick. -The old father came bouncing in; and, seeing the -fellow as sound as a top, he ran forward and gave him such -a shake as if he would have shooken him all sundry; which -soon made him open his eyes as fast as he had steeked -them. After blackguarding the chield at no allowance, -cursing him up hill and down dale, and calling him by -every name but a gentleman, he held his staff over his -crown, and, gripping him by the cuff of the neck, asked him, -in a fierce tone, what he had made of his daughter. Never -since I was born did I ever see such brazen-faced impudence! -The rascal had the brass to say at once, that he had not -seen word or wittens of the lassie for a month, though more -than a hundred folk sitting in his company had beheld him -dauting her with his arm round her jimpy waist not five -minutes before. As a man, as a father, as an elder of our -kirk, my corruption was raised; for I aye hated lying as a -poor cowardly sin, and an inbreak on the Ten Commandments; -and I found my neighbor, Mr. Glen, fidgeting on -the seat as well as me. So I thought that whoever spoke -first would have the best right to be entitled to the reward: -whereupon, just as he was in the act of rising up, I took the -word out of his mouth, saying, "Dinna believe him, auld -gentleman; dinna believe him, friend: he's telling a parcel -of lees. Never saw her for a month! It's no worth -arguing, or calling witnesses: just open that press-door, and -ye'll see whether I'm speaking truth or not!"</p> - -<p>The old man stared, and looked dumfoundered; and the -young one, instead of running forward with his double -nieves to strike me, the only thing I was feared for, began -a-laughing, as if I had done him a good turn. But never<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span> -since I had a being did I ever witness such an uproar and -noise as immediately took place. The whole house was so -glad that the scoundrel had been exposed, that they set up -siccan a roar of laughter, and thumped away at siccan a -rate at the boards with their feet, that at long and last, with -pushing and fidgeting, clapping their hands, and holding -their sides, down fell the place they call the gallery, all the -folk in't being hurled topsy-turvy, headforemost, among the -sawdust on the floor below; their guffawing soon being -turned to howling, each one crying louder than another at -the top note of their voices, "Murder! murder! hold off me! -murder! my ribs are in! murder! I'm killed! I'm speechless!" -and other lamentations to that effect: so that a rush -to the door took place, in the which every thing was overturned; -the door-keeper being wheeled away like wildfire; -the furms stramped to pieces; the lights knocked out; -and the two blind fiddlers dung headforemost over the -stage, the bass-fiddle cracking like thunder at every bruise. -Such tearing and swearing, and tumbling and squealing, -was never witnessed in the memory of man since the building -of Babel; legs being likely to be broken, sides staved in, -eyes knocked out, and lives lost,—there being only one door, -and that a small one: so that, when we had been earned off -our feet that length, my wind was fairly gone; and a sick -dwalm came over me, lights of all manner of colors, red, -blue, green, and orange, dancing before me, that entirely -deprived me of common sense; till, on opening my eyes in -the dark, I found myself leaning with my broadside against -the wall on the opposite side of the close. It was some -time before I minded what had happened: so, dreading -skaith, I found first the one arm, and then the other, to see -if they were broken; syne my head; and finally both of my -legs; but all, as well as I could discover, was skin-whole and -scart-free. On perceiving this, my joy was without bounds, -having a great notion that I had been killed on the spot. -So I reached round my hand very thankfully to take out -my pocket-napkin, to give my brow a wipe, when, lo and -behold! the tail of my Sunday's coat was fairly off and -away, docked by the hainch buttons.</p> - -<p>So much for plays and play-actors,—the first and last, I -trust in grace, that I shall ever see. But indeed I could expect -no better, after the warning that Maister Wiggie had -more than once given us from the pulpit on the subject.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span> -Instead, therefore, of getting my grand reward for finding -the old man's daughter, the whole covey of them, no better -than a set of swindlers, took leg-bail, and made that very -night a moonlight flitting; and Johnny Hammer, honest -man, that had wrought from sunrise to sunset for two days, -fitting up their place by contract, instead of being well paid -for his trouble, as he deserved, got nothing left him but a -ruckle of his own good deals, all dung to shivers.</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2>AN IRISH LOVE-LETTER.</h2> - -<p class="center">A SCENE FROM GEORGE M. BAKER'S NEW PLAY (FOR FEMALE -CHARACTERS ONLY) IN THREE ACTS, ENTITLED -"REBECCA'S TRIUMPH."</p> - - -<p><em>Characters</em>: <span class="smcap">Katy</span>, <em>an Irish servant</em>, <span class="smcap">Gyp</span>, <em>a colored girl</em>; -<span class="smcap">Dora</span>, <em>a young lady</em>.</p> - -<p class="center">(<em>Enter</em> <span class="smcap">Katy</span>, <em>with a letter in her hand</em>.)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy</span> (<em>turning letter over and over</em>). An' sure I got a -love-lether frum Patsy; an' phat will I do wid it I dunno. -I can't rade, and the misthress is away wid the company -girls. How will I find out phat's inside it? It's bothered -I am intirely.</p> - -<p class="center">(<em>Enter from</em> <span class="smcap">L.</span>, <em>through</em> <span class="smcap">C.</span> <em>door</em>, <span class="smcap">Dora</span>.)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dora.</span> Ah, Katy! Is it ther yees are? Where's Mrs. -Delaine's shawl? I see it. (<em>Goes towards window</em> <span class="smcap">R.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> If yees plase, Miss Dora, might I be after troubling -yees?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dora</span> (<em>comes down</em>). Certainly, Katy. What's the -trouble?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> If yees plase, I have a lether.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dora.</span> From the ould counthry?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> No, indade: it's from—it's from—sure you'll be -afther laughin' if I tole yees.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dora.</span> Then you needn't tell me, Katy; I can guess. -It's a love-letter.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> An' who towld yees that?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dora.</span> Yourself, Katy, by the blushes on your cheeks -and the sparkle in your eyes. You want me to read it for -you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> If yees plase, Miss Dora. (<em>Hands letter.</em>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dora</span> (<em>opening letter</em>). I shall learn all your secrets, -Katy. Perhaps the young man would not like that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> Thin yees moight shkip the sacrets.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dora</span> (<em>laughs</em>). All right, Katy. (<em>Reads.</em>) "Lovely -Katy."</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> That's me. Sure that's no sacret.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dora</span> (<em>reads</em>). "I take me pin in hand wid a bating -heart, to till yees uv the sthrong wakeniss I have for yees."</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> Yees moight shkip that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dora</span> (<em>reads</em>). "I have nather ate, dhrunk, nor slipt, -for a wake."</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> Will, that jist accounts for the wakeniss.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dora</span> (<em>reads</em>). "Barrin' my thray males a day, an 'me -pipe an' tobacyer."</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> An' he wid the hearty appetite!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dora</span> (<em>reads</em>). "An' all me slapeliss nights are fill wid -drames of yees, Katy mavourneen."</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> Sure he's the darlin'.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dora</span> (<em>reads</em>). "I have yees phortygraff nailed to the -hid uv me bid; and ivery night, afther I've blown out the -candle wid me fingers, I tak a good look at it, an' if ye'll -belave me, there's not a dry thread in me eyes."</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> Sure he was alwus tinder-hearted.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dora</span> (<em>reads</em>). "If yees don't belave me, tak a good look -at yees own face before yees open the lether, and see if I -have not cause to wape."</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> Sure I ought to have known that before the -lether came.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dora</span> (<em>reads</em>). "If yees foind these tinder loins blotted -wid tears, it's all owing to the bad quality uv the ink, which -has compilled me to pin this wid a pincil."</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> That's no mather.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dora</span> (<em>reads</em>). "If yees don't recave this lether, or can't -rade it, niver moind: ye'll know that all that's in it is the -truth, an' nades nather radin' or writin' to till the same. -So name the day, Katy darlin', whin me single blissidniss is -to exphire, an' the mathrimoonial noose shlipped over the -hid of yees lovin' and consolin'</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Patsy Dolan</span>.</p> - -<p>"P.S.—These last lines are the poethry uv love.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></p> - -<p>"<span class="smcap">Second</span> P.S.—To be rid fhirst. I inclose a ring for -yees finger, which same yees will find in me nixt lether." -That's all, Katy. (<em>Hands back letter.</em>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> It's jist illigant. I'm obleeged to yees.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dora</span> (<em>takes shawl from chair</em>). Quite welcome, Katy. -When you get ready to name the day, I'll answer it for you. -But be quick, Katy; for the poor fellow will not live long -on "only his thray males a day, an' his pipe an' tobacyer." -(<em>Runs off</em> <span class="smcap">C.</span> <em>to</em> <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy</span> (<em>looks at letter</em>). Sure it's a darlin' lether, an' -Patsy Dolan's a broth uv a bye.</p> - -<p><em>Enter</em> <span class="smcap">R., Gyp.</span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gyp.</span> Ah, dar you is, Katy! Whar's de misses? Whar's -Miss Becky? Whar's eberybody?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> In the garden, sure. Yees may coom in, if yees -wipe yers fate.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gyp.</span> Yas, indeed! How yer was? And how's Patsy -Dolan?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> He's will. I've jist recaved a lether from him.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gyp.</span> Dat so? Dat's good! Lub-letters am bery consolin' -to de flutterin' heart. Got a letter, hab you? S'pose -you red it frough and frough.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> Sure I can't rade at all, at all.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gyp.</span> Dat so? Well, well! De ignoramance ob de -foreign poperlation am distressin'.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> Can you rade?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gyp.</span> Read? What you take me for? How else could -I debour de heaps and heaps ob lub-letters dat I constantly -receibe from my adorers?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy</span> (<em>Aside.</em>) Faith, I'd loike to hear Patsy's lether -again. (<em>Aloud.</em>) Thin plase rade this for me. (<em>Hands -letter.</em>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gyp</span> (<em>confused</em>). Wh-wh-what you take me fur? (<em>Aside.</em>) -Golly! she cotch me den. (<em>Aloud.</em>) No, chile: dose tender -confections am fur you alone, and dey shouldn't be composed -to de world.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> An' sure yees can't rade.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gyp.</span> What's that? Can't read? (<em>Takes letter, and turns -it round several times.</em>) Berry long letter. Want to hear it -all?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> Ivery word.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gyp</span> (<em>Aside.</em>) Mussn't gib in. Spec dase all alike.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> -(<em>Aloud.</em>) Ob course, ob course. (<em>Pretends to read.</em>) "Lubliest -ob your sexes."</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> Sure that's not there.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gyp</span> (<em>shows letter</em>). See fur yerself, see fur yerself.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> Go on wid the lether.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gyp.</span> "Sublimest ob de fair sexes, dis am a whale -ob tears. Dar ain't no sunshine of moonshine widout -you."</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> That's not thrue at all, at all.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gyp</span> (<em>shows letter</em>). Read it yerself, read yerself.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> Go on wid the lether.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gyp.</span> "De moon on de lake am beamin', de lubly sunflower -perfumeries in de garden, de tuneful frogs meliferously -warble in de riber, an' de breezes blow fro' de treeses; -but my lub, my lub, whar, oh, whar am she?"</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> I don't belave—</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gyp</span> (<span class="smcap">as before</span>). See fur yerself, see fur yerself!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> Oh, quit yees talkin' an' talkin'. Go on wid the -lether.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Gyp.</span> "My lub she isn't hansum,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">My lub she isn't fair;<br /></span> -<span class="i4">But to cook de beef and 'taters<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Can't beat her anywhar."<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p>Dat's potry, Katy, dat is; alwus find lots ob dat in lub-letters: -it gibs dem a flabor.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> I don't belave it's there.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gyp</span> (<em>as before</em>). See fur yerself, see fur yerself!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> Go on wid the lether.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gyp.</span> Luf me see, wha was I? "Come rest on dis yere -head your aching breast." Dey all got dat, Katy, an'—an' -(<em>aside</em>), well, I'se jest puzzled fur more: guess we'll hab -some more poetry (<em>aloud</em>) an'—an'—</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">"We'll dance all night till broad daylight,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">An' go home with de girls in de morning."<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy.</span> It's no such thing! Yer desavin' me, so yees are! -Me Patsy wouldn't go home wid the girls at all, at all.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gyp.</span> See fur yerself, see fur yerself!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Katy</span> (<em>snatching letter</em>). So I will. It's false and desateful -yees are, for Miss Dora rid the lether, an'—an'—it -was jist illegant, so it was an' it's yersilf.—bad luck to the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> -loikes ov yees, whin yees can't rade! an' it's the blissid -troth I'm tillin',—invintin' a bit uv blarney to make trouble -betwane a poor girl an' her Patsy. Away wid yees!</p> - -<p class="right">[<em>Exit door</em> <span class="smcap">R.</span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gyp.</span> Well, I guess she fooled me dat time. No use. -Dar's alwus trubble interferin' in lub affairs, jest like -domestic affairs: when man and wife am fighting, ef you -try to be a messenger ob peace, ef you don't look out, you'll -git de broomstick onto yer own head.</p> - -<p class="right">[<em>Exit.</em></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span></p> - -<p class="ph2">YANKEE DIALECT RECITATIONS.</p> - -<p class="center">Edited by GEORGE M. BAKER.</p> - -<p class="center"><em>BOARDS 50 CENTS PAPER 30 CENTS.</em></p> - -<p class="center">LEE & SHEPARD, Publishers, Boston. -</p> - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="YANKEE DIALECT RECITATIONS."> -<caption>CONTENTS.</caption> - <tr> - <th></th> - <th></th> - <th>PAGE</th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Goin' Somewhere</td> - <td><em>M. Quod</em></td> - <td class="tdr">5</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Old Farmer Grey Gets Photographed</td> - <td><em>John H. Yates</em></td> - <td class="tdr">8</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Speech of the Hon. Perverse Peabody on the Acquisition of Cuba</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">10</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Widder Green's Last Words</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">13</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Widow Stebbins on HomÅ“opathy</td> - <td><em>C. F. Adams</em></td> - <td class="tdr">14</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Farmer Bent's Sheep-Washing</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">16</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Little Peach</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">17</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mr. Pickwick's Romantic Adventure with a Middle-aged Lady in Yellow Curl-Papers</td> - <td><em>Dickens</em></td> - <td class="tdr">18</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Goin' Home To-day</td> - <td><em>W. M. Carleton</em></td> - <td class="tdr">24</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Jakie on Watermelon Pickle</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">25</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Putty and Varnish</td> - <td><em>Josh Billings</em></td> - <td class="tdr">26</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>London Zoölogical Gardens</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">28</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Aurelia's Unfortunate Young Man</td> - <td><em>Mark Twain</em></td> - <td class="tdr">29</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Old Ways and the New</td> - <td><em>John H. Yates</em></td> - <td class="tdr">31</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Bumpkin's Courtship</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">33</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Ballad of the Oysterman</td> - <td><em>Oliver Wendell Holmes</em></td> - <td class="tdr">35</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Deck Hand and the Mule</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">36</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Lay of Real Life</td> - <td><em>Thomas Hood</em></td> - <td class="tdr">37</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Middlerib's Rheumatic Cure</td> - <td><em>R. J. Burdette</em></td> - <td class="tdr">39</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Two Fishers</td> - <td><cite>Harper's Weekly</cite></td> - <td class="tdr">43</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Jim Wolfe and the Cats</td> - <td><em>Mark Twain</em></td> - <td class="tdr">44</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mr. Stiver's Horse</td> - <td><em>J. M. Bailey</em></td> - <td class="tdr">46</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mosquitoes</td> - <td><em>Kaleb Keating</em></td> - <td class="tdr">50</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The City Man and the Setting Hen</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">51</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Owl Critic</td> - <td><em>James T. Fields</em></td> - <td class="tdr">53</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Man with a Cold in His Head</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">54</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Forcible Entry</td> - <td><em>J. M. Bailey</em></td> - <td class="tdr">5?</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Village Sewing Society</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">57</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Yankee Courtship</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">59</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Patter of the Shingle</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">63</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Paper Don't Say</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">64</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Jonesville Singin' Quire</td> - <td><em>Betsey Bobbitt</em></td> - <td class="tdr">65</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Knife-Grinder</td> - <td><em>George Canning</em></td> - <td class="tdr">69</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Malaria</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">70<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Story of the Bad Little Boy who Didn't Come to Grief</td> - <td><em>Mark Twain</em></td> - <td class="tdr">72</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mr. Caudle and His Second Wife</td> - <td><em>Douglas Jerrold</em></td> - <td class="tdr">75</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mollie or Sadie</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">78</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Baffled Book Agent</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">79</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>She Would Be a Mason</td> - <td><em>James C. Leighton</em></td> - <td class="tdr">80</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Loves of Lucinda</td> - <td><em>Mark Melville</em></td> - <td class="tdr">83</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Something Split</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">87</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>From the Sublime to the Ridiculous</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">88</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Howl in Rome</td> - <td><em>Bill Nye</em></td> - <td class="tdr">89</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Butterwick's Weakness</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">93</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Old Man Goes to Town</td> - <td><em>J. G. Swinnerton</em></td> - <td class="tdr">95</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mr. Watkins Celebrates</td> - <td><em>Detroit Press</em></td> - <td class="tdr">98</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Squire's Story</td> - <td><em>John PhÅ“nix</em></td> - <td class="tdr">99</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Conversion of Colonel Quagg</td> - <td><em>George Augustus Sala</em></td> - <td class="tdr">100</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>In the Surf</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">105</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Variegated Dogs</td> - <td><em>Peck</em></td> - <td class="tdr">107</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Judge Pitman's Watch</td> - <td><em>Max Adeler</em></td> - <td class="tdr">110</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>An Æsthetic Housekeeper</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">111</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>"Mebbe" Joe's True Fish Story</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">112</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Aunt Sophronia Tabor at the Opera</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">114</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Village Choir</td> - <td><cite>Andre's Journal</cite></td> - <td class="tdr">117</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Light From Over the Range</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">118</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Christening</td> - <td><em>E. T. Corbett</em></td> - <td class="tdr">121</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mr. Covill Proves Mathematics</td> - <td><em>J. M. Bailey</em></td> - <td class="tdr">123</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mary's Lamb on a New Principle</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">124</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Address of Spottycus</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">125</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Our Visitor, and What He Came For</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">128</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>In the Catacombs</td> - <td><em>H. H. Ballard</em></td> - <td class="tdr">130</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Showman's Courtship</td> - <td><em>A. Ward</em></td> - <td class="tdr">132</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Clerical Wit</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">134</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Greely's Ride</td> - <td><em>Mark Twain</em></td> - <td class="tdr">135</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>No Yearning for the Beautiful</td> - <td><em>Max Adeler</em></td> - <td class="tdr">138</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Very Naughty Little Girl's View of Life</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">141</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Burdock's Goat</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">142</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Awfully Lovely Philosophy</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">145</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Aunt Parsons' Story</td> - <td><cite>Presbyterian Journal</cite></td> - <td class="tdr">146</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The National Game</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">151</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Disturbance in Church</td> - <td><em>Max Adeler</em></td> - <td class="tdr">153</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Engineer's Story</td> - <td><em>Eugene J. Hall</em></td> - <td class="tdr">155</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Judge's Search for a Waterfall</td> - <td><cite>Harper's Magazine</cite></td> - <td class="tdr">156</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Railroad Crossing</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">158</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Asking the Gov'nor</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">159</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Intensely Utter</td> - <td><cite>Albany Chronicle</cite></td> - <td class="tdr">162</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Way Astors Are Made</td> - <td><em>J. M. Bailey</em></td> - <td class="tdr">164</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Mysterious Disappearance</td> - <td><em>Dickens</em></td> - <td class="tdr">166</td> - </tr> -</table></div> -<div class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></div> -<p class="ph2">THE GRAND ARMY SPEAKER.</p> - -<p class="center">Edited by GEORGE M. BAKER.</p> - -<p class="center"><em>BOARDS 50 CENTS</em> <em>PAPER 30 CENTS.</em> -</p> - -<p class="center">LEE & SHEPARD, Publishers, Boston.</p> - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="THE GRAND ARMY SPEAKER."> -<caption>CONTENTS.</caption> - <tr> - <th></th> - <th></th> - <th>PAGE</th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Rescue</td> - <td><em>John Brownjohn</em></td> - <td class="tdr">5</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Decoration</td> - <td><em>T. W. Higginson</em></td> - <td class="tdr">8</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Little Black-eyed Rebel</td> - <td><em>Will Carleton</em></td> - <td class="tdr">9</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Palmetto and the Pine</td> - <td><em>Mrs. Virginia L. French</em></td> - <td class="tdr">11</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Battle Hymn</td> - <td><em>Korner</em></td> - <td class="tdr">13</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Song of the Dying</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">14</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>By the Alma River</td> - <td><em>Miss Mulock</em></td> - <td class="tdr">15</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>At the Soldiers' Graves</td> - <td><em>Robert Collyer</em></td> - <td class="tdr">17</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Sergeant of the Fiftieth</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">18</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Minute-men of '75</td> - <td><em>George William Curtis</em></td> - <td class="tdr">19</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Blue and Gray</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">21</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Custer's Last Charge</td> - <td><em>Frederick Whittaker</em></td> - <td class="tdr">23</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Pride of Battery B</td> - <td><em>F. H. Gassaway</em></td> - <td class="tdr">25</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Cavalry Charge</td> - <td><em>F. A. Durivage</em></td> - <td class="tdr">27</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Last Redoubt</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">28</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Kelly's Ferry</td> - <td><em>Benjamin F. Taylor</em></td> - <td class="tdr">30</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Noble Revenge</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">34</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Civil War</td> - <td><em>Anonymous</em></td> - <td class="tdr">35</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>"Dashing Rod," Trooper</td> - <td><em>S. Conant Foster</em></td> - <td class="tdr">36</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Tramp of Shiloh</td> - <td><em>Joaquin Miller</em></td> - <td class="tdr">38</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Sharpshooter's Miss</td> - <td><em>Frank H. Gassaway</em></td> - <td class="tdr">40</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Fight at Lookout</td> - <td><em>R. L. Cary, jun.</em></td> - <td class="tdr">44</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Countersign was "Mary"</td> - <td><em>Margaret Eytinge</em></td> - <td class="tdr">46</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Second Review of the Grand Army</td> - <td><em>Bret Harte</em></td> - <td class="tdr">47</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Bivouac of the Dead</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">49</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Tramp</td> - <td><em>George M. Baker</em></td> - <td class="tdr">52</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Canteen</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">55</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Charge by the Ford</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">56</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Harry Brandon</td> - <td><em>Edmund E. Price</em></td> - <td class="tdr">58</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Post Number Three</td> - <td><em>Sherman D. Richardson</em></td> - <td class="tdr">59</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Patriot Spy</td> - <td><em>F. M. Finch</em></td> - <td class="tdr">62</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Dandy Fifth</td> - <td><em>Frank H. Gassaway</em></td> - <td class="tdr">63</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The American Flag</td> - <td><em>Joseph Rodman Drake</em></td> - <td class="tdr">66</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Somebody's Darling</td> - <td><em>Anonymous</em></td> - <td class="tdr">68</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>"Little Potter's" Story</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">69<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Bravest Boy in Town</td> - <td><em>Emma Huntington Nason</em></td> - <td class="tdr">71</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Our Folks</td> - <td><em>Ethel Lynn</em></td> - <td class="tdr">74</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>"Picciola"</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">76</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>"Fall in"</td> - <td><em>Mary Clemmer</em></td> - <td class="tdr">78</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>"The Boys who Never Got Home"</td> - <td><em>George W. Peck</em></td> - <td class="tdr">79</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Abraham Lincoln and the Poor Woman</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">80</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Elizabeth Zane</td> - <td><em>John S. Adams</em></td> - <td class="tdr">82</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Keenan's Charge</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">84</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Old Canteen</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">86</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mobile Bay</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">88</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Ravenswood's Oath</td> - <td><em>A. Wallace Thaxter</em></td> - <td class="tdr">90</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Story of the Swords</td> - <td><em>Adelaide Cilley Waldron</em></td> - <td class="tdr">91</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>"Only a Crippled Soldier!"</td> - <td><em>J. Russell Fisher</em></td> - <td class="tdr">93</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Somebody's Pride</td> - <td><em>Clement Scott</em></td> - <td class="tdr">97</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>My Wife and Child</td> - <td><em>Henry Rootes Jackson</em></td> - <td class="tdr">98</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Song of the Drum</td> - <td><em>I. E. Diekenga</em></td> - <td class="tdr">99</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>"Bay Billy"</td> - <td><em>Frank H. Gassaway</em></td> - <td class="tdr">102</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Sheridan's Ride</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">106</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>"Them Yankee Blankits"</td> - <td><em>Samuel W. Small</em></td> - <td class="tdr">108</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Soldiers' Monument</td> - <td><em>John L. Swift</em></td> - <td class="tdr">110</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Crutch in the Corner</td> - <td><em>John McIntosh</em></td> - <td class="tdr">112</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Roll-call</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">113</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Cruise of the Monitor</td> - <td><em>George M. Baker</em></td> - <td class="tdr">115</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Missing</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">117</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Decoration Day</td> - <td><em>Mary Bassett Hussey</em></td> - <td class="tdr">118</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Back from the War</td> - <td><em>T. De Witt Talmage</em></td> - <td class="tdr">120</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Piece of Bunting</td> - <td><em>Hon. F. W. Palmer</em></td> - <td class="tdr">121</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Grant's Strategy</td> - <td><em>Judge Veazey</em></td> - <td class="tdr">123</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Charge at Valley Maloy</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">124</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Hero-woman</td> - <td><em>George Lippard</em></td> - <td class="tdr">126</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Union of Blue and Gray</td> - <td><em>Paul H. Hayne</em></td> - <td class="tdr">130</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>After "Taps"</td> - <td><em>Horace Binney Sargent</em></td> - <td class="tdr">131</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Soldier's Reprieve</td> - <td><em>Rosa Hartwick Thorpe</em></td> - <td class="tdr">133</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>At Arlington</td> - <td><em>James R. Randall</em></td> - <td class="tdr">135</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Man with the Musket</td> - <td><em>H. S. Taylor</em></td> - <td class="tdr">137</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Baby Peacemaker</td> - <td><em>Herbert W. Collingwood</em></td> - <td class="tdr">138</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Veterans</td> - <td><em>General Sherman</em></td> - <td class="tdr">141</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Barbara Frietchie</td> - <td><em>Whittier</em></td> - <td class="tdr">142</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>What Saved the Union</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">144</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Re-enlisted</td> - <td><em>Lucy Larcom</em></td> - <td class="tdr">145</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Soldier's Dream</td> - <td><em>C. G. Fall</em></td> - <td class="tdr">147</td> - </tr> -</table></div> -<p class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></p> -<p class="ph2">IRISH DIALECT RECITATIONS.</p> - -<p class="center">Edited by GEORGE M. BAKER.</p> - -<p class="center"><em>BOARDS 50 CENTS</em> <em>PAPER 30 CENTS.</em> -</p> - -<p class="center">LEE & SHEPARD, Publishers, Boston.</p> - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="IRISH DIALECT RECITATIONS"> -<caption>CONTENTS.</caption> - <tr> - <th></th> - <th></th> - <th>PAGE</th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>How Teddy Saved His Bacon</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">5</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mr. O'Hoolahan's Mistake</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">7</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Last of the Sarpints</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">9</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Irish Boy and the Priest</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">11</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>An Irish Wake</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">12</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Biddy's Philosophy</td> - <td><em>R. H. Stoddard</em></td> - <td class="tdr">14</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Reflections on the Needle</td> - <td><em>Cormac O'Leary</em></td> - <td class="tdr">15</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Red O'Neil</td> - <td><em>Thomas S. Collier</em></td> - <td class="tdr">16</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Deaf and Dumb</td> - <td><em>Anna F. Burnham</em></td> - <td class="tdr">20</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mr. Murphy Explains His Son's Conduct</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">21</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Ram for Ould Oireland</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">22</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Gridiron</td> - <td><em>William B. Fowle</em></td> - <td class="tdr">23</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The "O'Meara Consolidated"</td> - <td><cite>Va. City Enterprise</cite></td> - <td class="tdr">26</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Paddy's Metamorphosis</td> - <td><em>Moore</em></td> - <td class="tdr">28</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Widow O'Shane's Rent</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">29</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Why Biddy and Pat Got Married</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">30</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Don Squixet's Ghost</td> - <td><em>Harry Bolingbroke</em></td> - <td class="tdr">31</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mr. O'Gallagher's Three Roads to Learning</td> - <td><em>Captain Marryat</em></td> - <td class="tdr">33</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Two Irish Idyls</td> - <td><em>Alfred Perceval Graves</em></td> - <td class="tdr">37</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Broken Pitcher</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">39</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Paddy's Excelsior</td> - <td><cite>Harper's Magazine</cite></td> - <td class="tdr">40</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Irish Philosopher</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">41</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mary Maloney's Philosophy</td> - <td><cite>Philadelphia Bulletin</cite></td> - <td class="tdr">42</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Bridget McRae's Wedding Anniversary</td> - <td><em>Nina Gray</em></td> - <td class="tdr">44</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Paddy O'Rafther</td> - <td><em>Samuel Lover</em></td> - <td class="tdr">45</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Pat's Reason</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">47</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>O'Branigan's Drill</td> - <td><em>W. W. Fink</em></td> - <td class="tdr">47</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Pat and the Pig</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">48</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Pat and the Oysters</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">50</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Penitent</td> - <td><em>Margaret Eytinge</em></td> - <td class="tdr">51</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mike McGaffaty's Dog</td> - <td><em>Mark Melville</em></td> - <td class="tdr">51</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Jimmy Butler and the Owl</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">53</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Tipperary</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">56</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Pat's Dream of Heaven</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">58</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Biddy's Troubles</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">61<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Make It Four, Yer Honor</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">62</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Post-Boy</td> - <td><em>Mrs C. J. Despard</em></td> - <td class="tdr">64</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>That Fire at the Nolans'</td> - <td><em>Life</em></td> - <td class="tdr">67</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Ninety-Eight</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">70</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Pat's Bondsman</td> - <td><em>Lilian A. Moulton</em></td> - <td class="tdr">71</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Washee, Washee</td> - <td><em>Joaquin Miller</em></td> - <td class="tdr">73</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Annie's Ticket</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">74</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>O'Thello</td> - <td><cite>Harper's Magazine</cite></td> - <td class="tdr">76</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Lanty Leary</td> - <td><em>Samuel Lover</em></td> - <td class="tdr">77</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Katie's Answer</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">78</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Paddy's Dream</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">79</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Lessons in Cookery</td> - <td><cite>Detroit Free Press</cite></td> - <td class="tdr">80</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Irish Traveller</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">82</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Teddy's Six Bulls</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">82</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Miracle</td> - <td><em>Charles H. Webber</em></td> - <td class="tdr">84</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Pat and Miss Skitty</td> - <td><em>Bessie Bently</em></td> - <td class="tdr">84</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>At the Rising of the Moon</td> - <td><em>Leo Casey</em></td> - <td class="tdr">86</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Irish Schoolmaster</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">87</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>How Dennis Took the Pledge</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">89</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>When McGue Puts the Baby to Sleep</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">90</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Confession</td> - <td><em>Samuel Lover</em></td> - <td class="tdr">91</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Father Phil's Collection</td> - <td><em>Samuel Lover</em></td> - <td class="tdr">92</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>St. Patrick's Martyrs</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">100</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Pat's Correspondence</td> - <td><em>W. M. Giffin</em></td> - <td class="tdr">102</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Little Pat and the Parson</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">104</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Patrick O'Rouke and the Frogs</td> - <td><em>George W. Bungay</em></td> - <td class="tdr">105</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Widow Malone</td> - <td><em>Charles Lever</em></td> - <td class="tdr">108</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>The Birth of St. Patrick</td> - <td><em>Samuel Lover</em></td> - <td class="tdr">109</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Murphy's Mystery of the Pork Barrel</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">110</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Paddy Blake's Echo</td> - <td><em>Samuel Lover</em></td> - <td class="tdr">111</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Cook of the Period</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">112</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Larry's on the Force</td> - <td><em>Irwin Russell</em></td> - <td class="tdr">113</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Pat and the Frogs</td> - <td><em>R. M. T.</em></td> - <td class="tdr">114</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Paddy's Courting</td> - <td><em>W. A. Eaton</em></td> - <td class="tdr">116</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>A Bit of Gossip</td> - <td><em>Josephine Pollard</em></td> - <td class="tdr">118</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Paddy and His Pig</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">120</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Teddy McGuire and Paddy O'Flynn</td> - <td><em>Amanda T. Jones</em></td> - <td class="tdr">121</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Paudeen O'Rafferty's Say-Voyage</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">125</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Irish Astronomy</td> - <td><em>Charles G. Halpine</em></td> - <td class="tdr">128</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Paddy McGrath's Introduction to Mr. Bruin</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">129</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Larrie O'Dee</td> - <td><em>W. W. Fink</em></td> - <td class="tdr">131</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Irish Coquetry</td> - <td></td> - <td class="tdr">132</td> - </tr> -</table></div> -<div class="chapter"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a><br /><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<p class="ph2">FOR SCHOOL EXERCISES AND EXHIBITIONS.</p> - - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p><strong>PARLOR VARIETIES</strong> (Part III.). Plays, Pantomimes, Charades. -By <span class="smcap">Olivia Lovell Wilson</span>. Containing nineteen bright and witty -entertainments for amateur actors. Boards, 50 cents; paper, 30 cents.</p> - -<p><strong>PARLOR VARIETIES</strong> (Part I.). Plays, Pantomimes, and Charades. -By <span class="smcap">Emma E. Brewster</span>. 16mo. Boards, 50 cents; paper, 30 cents.</p> - -<p><strong>PARLOR VARIETIES</strong> (Part II.). Tableaux, Dialogues, Pantomimes, -etc. By <span class="smcap">Emma E. Brewster</span> and <span class="smcap">Lizzie B. Scribner</span>. Boards, 50 -cents; paper, 30 cents.</p> - -<p><strong>A BAKER'S DOZEN.</strong> Humorous Dialogues. Containing thirteen -popular pieces. Seven for male characters; six for female characters. -Boards, 60 cents.</p> - -<p><strong>THE GLOBE DRAMA.</strong> A new collection of original Dramas and -Comedies. By <span class="smcap">George M. Baker</span>. Author of Amateur Dramas, etc. -Illustrated. $1.50.</p> - -<p><strong>BALLADS IN BLACK.</strong> By <span class="smcap">F. E. Chase</span> and <span class="smcap">J. F. Goodridge</span>. A -Series of Original Readings, to be produced as <em>Shadow Pantomimes</em>. -With full directions for representation, by <span class="smcap">F. E. Chase</span>. Illustrated -with fifty full-page Silhouettes, by <span class="smcap">J. F. Goodridge</span>; containing the following -Pantomimes: Drink, Driggs and his Drouble, Orpheus the -Organ-Grinder, Anonymous, Cinderella, In Pawn. Price in boards, illustrated -cover, oblong, $1.00; each ballad separate, in paper, 25 cents.</p> - -<p><strong>THE BOOK OF ELOQUENCE.</strong> A Collection of Extracts, in Prose -and Verse, from the most famous Orators and Poets. New edition. By -<span class="smcap">Charles Dudley Warner</span>. Cloth, $1.50.</p> - -<p><strong>DIALOGUES FROM DICKENS.</strong> For schools and home amusement. -Selected and arranged by <span class="smcap">W. Eliot Fette</span>, A.M. First Series, -Illustrated. Cloth, $1.00. Second Series, Illustrated. Cloth, $1.00.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>The Dialogues in the above books are selected from the best points of the -stories, and can be extended by taking several scenes together.</p></div> - -<p><strong>SOCIAL CHARADES AND PARLOR OPERA.</strong> By <span class="smcap">M. T.</span> -<span class="smcap">Calder</span>. Containing Operas, Charades, with Popular Tunes. Boards, -50 cents; paper, 30 cents.</p> - -<p><strong>POETICAL DRAMAS.</strong> For home and school. By <span class="smcap">Mary S. Cobb</span>. -Containing Short Poetical and Sacred Dramas, suitable for Sunday-school -entertainments, etc. Boards, 50 cents; paper, 30 cents.</p> - -<p><strong>FOOTLIGHT FROLICS.</strong> School Opera, Charades, and Plays. By -Mrs. <span class="smcap">Charles E. Fernald</span>. Thirteen entertainments, including -"Christmas Capers," a capital "Tree" introduction. Boards, 50 cents; -paper, 30 cents.</p> - -<p><strong>COBWEBS.</strong> A Juvenile Operetta. By Mrs. <span class="smcap">Elizabeth P. Goodrich</span>, -author of "Young Folks' Opera," etc. 50 cents.</p> - -<p><strong>MOTHER GOOSE MASQUERADES.</strong> (The Lawrence Mother -Goose.) By E. D. K. Containing full directions for getting up an -"Evening of Nonsense," Shadow-Plays, Pantomimes, Processions, -Mimic Tableaux, and all the favorite ways of delineating passages of -Mother Goose. <em>Just the book for exhibitions.</em> 50 cents net.</p> - -<p><strong>YOUNG FOLKS' OPERA.</strong> An illustrated volume of Original Music -and Words, bright, light, and sensible. By that favorite composer for -the young, Mrs. <span class="smcap">Elizabeth Parsons Goodrich</span>. 8vo. Boards. $1.00.</p></div> - -<p class="center"><em>Sold by all booksellers and newsdealers, and sent by mail, postpaid, on -receipt of price.</em></p> - -<p class="center">LEE & SHEPARD, Publishers, Boston. -</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<p class="ph2">NEW ELOCUTIONARY HAND-BOOK.</p> - -<p class="center">EDITED BY GEORGE M. BAKER.</p> - - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>IRISH DIALECT RECITATIONS. -A series of the -most popular Readings and -Recitations in prose and verse. -Boards, 50 cents; paper, 30 cents.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 453px;"> -<img src="images/ad1.jpg" width="453" height="700" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p>NEGRO DIALECT RECITATIONS. -A series of the -most popular Readings in prose -and verse. Boards, 50 cents; -paper, 30 cents.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 446px;"> -<img src="images/ad2.jpg" width="446" height="700" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p>THE GRAND ARMY -SPEAKER. A collection of -the best Readings and Recitations -on the Civil War. Boards, -50 cents; paper, 30 cents.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 496px;"> -<img src="images/ad3.jpg" width="496" height="700" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p>YANKEE DIALECT RECITATIONS. -A humorous -collection of the best Stories and -Poems for Reading and Recitations. -Boards, 50 cents; paper, -30 cents.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 478px;"> -<img src="images/ad4.jpg" width="478" height="700" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p>MEDLEY DIALECT RECITATIONS. -A series of the -most popular German, French, -and Scotch Readings. Boards, -50 cents; paper, 30 cents.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 463px;"> -<img src="images/ad5.jpg" width="463" height="700" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p>THE READING CLUB and -Handy Speaker, No. 18. Paper, -15 cents. Uniform with Nos. 1 -to 17.</p> - -<p>BAKER'S HUMOROUS SPEAKER. A compilation of popular selections in prose -and verse in Irish, Dutch, Negro, and Yankee dialect. 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