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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..dcc2be3 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #50699 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/50699) diff --git a/old/50699-8.txt b/old/50699-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index f721881..0000000 --- a/old/50699-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,6937 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Baled Hay, by Bill Nye - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Baled Hay - A Drier Book than Walt Whitman's "Leaves o' Grass" - -Author: Bill Nye - -Illustrator: F. Opper - -Release Date: December 15, 2015 [EBook #50699] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BALED HAY *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - - - - - - -BALED HAY - -By Bill Nye - -A Drier Book than Walt Whitman's "Leaves o' Grass." - -Author of "Bill Nye and Boomerang," - -"Forty Liars and Other Lies," - -"Goose-Neck Smith," - -"How Came Your Eye -Out, and Your Nose Not Skun?" Etc., Etc., Etc. - -_Heap cold day when Melican man no lite em blook_.—AH SIN. - -Illustrated by F. Opper, of "Puck" - -Chicago. New York, San Francisco: - -Belford, Clarke & Co - -1884 - -[Illustration: cover] - -[Illustration: 0007] - -[Illustration: 0009] - - - - -DEDICATION. - -TO MY WIFE: - -Who has courteously and heroically laughed at my feeble and emaciated -jokes, even when she did not feel like it; who has again and again -started up and agitated successfully the flagging and reluctant -applause, who has courageously held my coat through this trying ordeal, -and who, even now, as I write this, is in the front yard warning people -to keep off the premises until I have another lucid interval, - -This Volume is Affectionately Inscribed, - -BY THE - -AUTHOR. - -PIAZZA TO THE THIRD VOLUME. - -There can really be no excuse for this last book of trite and beautiful -sayings. I do not attempt, in any way, to palliate this great wrong. I -would not do so even if I had an idea what palliate meant. - -It will, however, add one more to the series of books for which I am to -blame, and the pleasure of travel will be very much enhanced, for me, at -least. - -There is one friend I always meet on the trains when I travel. He is the -news agent. He comes to me with my own books in his arms, and tells me -over and over again of their merits. He means it, too. What object could -he have in coming to me, not knowing who I am, and telling me of their -great worth? Why would he talk that way to me if he did not really feel -it? - -That is one reason I travel so much. When 1 get gloomy and heartsick, -I like to get on a train and be assured once more, by a total stranger, -that my books have never been successfully imitated. - -Some authors like to have a tall man, with a glazed grip-sack, and whose -breath is stronger than his intellect, selling their works; but I do not -prefer that way. - -I like the candor and ingenuousness of the train-boy. He does not come -to the front door while you are at prayers, and ring the bell till the -hat-rack falls down, and then try to sell you a book containing 2,000 -receipts for the blind staggers. He leans gently over you as you look -out the car window, and he puts some pecan meats in your hand, and -thus wins your trusting heart. Then he sells you a book, and takes an -interest in you. - -This book will go to swell the newsboy's armful, and if there be any -excuse, under the sun, for its publication, aside from the royalty; that -is it. - -I have taken great care to thoroughly eradicate anything that would have -the appearance of poetry in this work, and there is not a thought or -suggestion contained in it that would soil the most delicate fabric. - -Do not read it all at once, however, in order to see whether he -married the girl or not. Take a little at a time, and it will cure -gloom on the "_similia simili-bus curanter_" principle. If you read -it all at once, and it gives you the heaves, I am glad of it, and you -deserve it. I will not bind myself to write the obituary of such people. - -Hudson, Wis., Sept, 5,1883. - - - - -BALED HAY - -A NOVEL NOVELETTE - -|I NEVER wrote a novel, because I always thought it required more of -a mashed-rasp-berry imagination than I could muster, but I was the -business manager, once, for a year and a half, of a little two-bit -novelette that has never been published. - -I now propose to publish it, because I cannot keep it to myself any -longer. - -Allow me, therefore, to reminisce. - -Harry Bevans was an old schoolmate of mine in the days of and although -Bevans was not his sure-enough name, it will answer for the purposes -herein set forth. At the time of which I now speak he was more bashful -than a book agent, and was trying to promote a cream-colored mustache -and buff "Donegals" on the side. - -Suffice it to say that he was madly in love with Fanny Buttonhook, and -too bashful to say so by telephone. - -Her name wasn't Buttonhook, but I will admit it for the sake of -argument. Harry lived over at Kalamazoo, we will say, and Fanny at -Oshkosh. These were not the exact names of the towns, but I desire to -bewilder the public a little in order to avoid any harassing disclosures -in the future. It is always well enough, I find, to deal gently will -those who are alive and moderately muscular. - -Young Bevans was not specially afraid of old man Buttonhook, or his -wife. He didn't dread the enraged parent worth a cent. He wasn't afraid -of anybody under the cerulean dome, in fact, except Miss Buttonhook; -but when she sailed down the main street, Harry lowered his colors and -dodged into the first place he found open, whether it was a millinery -store or a livery stable. - -Once, in an unguarded moment, he passed so near her that the gentle -south wind caught up the cherry ribbon that Miss Buttonhook wore at her -throat, and slapped Mr. Bevans across the cheek with it before he knew -what ailed him. There was a little vision of straw hat, brown hair, -and pink-and-white cuticle, as it were, a delicate odor of violets, the -"swish" of a summer silk, and my friend, Mr. Bevans, put his hand to his -head, like a man who has a sun-stroke, and fell into a drug store and a -state of wild mash, ruin and helpless chaos. - -His bashfulness was not seated nor chronic. It was the varioloid, and -didn't hurt him only when Miss Buttonhook was present, or in sight. He -was polite and chatty with other girls, and even dared to be blithe and -gay sometimes, too, but when Frances loomed up in the distance, he would -climb a rail fence nine feet high to evade her. - -He told me once that he wished I would erect the frame-work of a -letter to Fanny, in which he desired to ask that he might open up a -correspondence with her. He would copy and mail it, he said, and he was -sure that I, being a disinterested party, would be perfectly calm. - -I wrote a letter for him, of which I was moderately proud. It would melt -the point on a lightning rod, it seemed to me, for it was just as full -of gentleness and poetic soothe as it could be, and Tupper, Webster's -Dictionary and my scrap-book had to give down first rate. Still it was -manly and square-toed. It was another man's confession, and I made it -bulge out with frankness and candor. - -As luck would have it, I went over to Oshkosh about the time Harry's -prize epistle reached that metropolis, and having been a confidant -of Miss B's from early childhood, I had the pleasure of reading Bev's -letter, and advising the young lady about the correspondence. - -Finally a bright thought struck her. She went over to an easy chair, and -sat down on her foot, coolly proposing that I should outline a letter -replying to Harry's, in a reserved and rather frigid manner, yet bidding -him dare to hope that if his orthography and punctuation continued -correct, he might write occasionally, though it must be considered -entirely _sub rosa_ and abnormally _entre nous_ on account of "Pa." - -By the way, "Pa" was a druggist, and one of the salts of the -earth--Epsom salts, of course. - -I agreed to write the letter, swore never to reveal the secret workings -of the order, the grips, explanations, passwords and signals, and then -wrote her a nice, demure, startled-fawn letter, as brief as the collar -to a party dress, and as solemn as the Declaration of Independence. - -Then I said good-by, and returned to my own home, which was neither -in Kalamazoo nor Oshkosh. There I received a flat letter from 'William -Henry Bevans, inclosing one from Fanny, and asking for suggestions as -to a reply. Her letter was in Miss Buttonhook's best vein. I remember -having written it myself. - -Well, to cut a long story short, every other week I wrote a letter for -Fanny, and on intervening weeks I wrote one for the lover at Kalamazoo. -By keeping copies of all letters written, I had a record showing where I -was, and avoided saying the same pleasant things twice. - -Thus the short, sweet summer scooted past. The weeks were filled -with gladness, and their memory even now comes back to me, like a -wood-violet-scented vision. A wood-violet-scented vision comes high, but -it is necessary in this place. - -Toward winter the correspondence grew a little tedious, owing to the -fact that I had a large, and tropical boil on the back of my neck, which -refused to declare its intentions or come to a focus for three weeks. In -looking over the letters of both lovers yesterday, I could tell by the -tone of each just where this boil began to grow up, as it were, between -two fond hearts. - -This feeling grew till the middle of December, when there was a red-hot -quarrel. It was exciting and spirited, and after I had alternately -flattered myself first from Kalamazoo and then from Oshkosh, it was -a genuine luxury to have a row with myself through the medium of the -United States mails. - -Then I made up and got reconciled. I thought it would be best to secure -harmony before the holidays so that Harry could go over to Oshkosh and -spend Christmas. I therefore wrote a letter for Harry in which he said -he had, no doubt, been hasty, and he was sorry. It should not occur -again. The days had been like weary ages since their quarrel, he -said--vicariously, of course--and the light had been shut out of his -erstwhile joyous life. Death would be a luxury unless she forgave him, -and Hades would be one long, sweet picnic and lawn festival unless she -blessed him with her smile. - -You can judge how an old newspaper reporter, with a scarlet imagination, -would naturally dash the color into another man's picture of humility -and woe. - -She replied--by proxy--that he was not to blame. It was her waspish -temper and cruel thoughtlessness. She wished he would come over and take -dinner with them on Christmas day and she would tell him how sorry she -was. When the man admits that he's a brute and the woman says she's -sorry, it behooves the eagle eye of the casual spectator to look up into -the blue sky for a quarter of an hour, till the reconciliation has had -a chance and the brute has been given time to wipe a damp sob from his -coat-collar. - -I was invited to the Christmas dinner. As a successful reversible -amanuensis I thought I deserved it. I was proud and happy. I had passed -through a lover's quarrel and sailed in with whitewinged peace on time, -and now I reckoned that the second joint, with an irregular fragment -of cranberry jelly, and some of the dressing, and a little of the white -meat please, was nothing more than right. - -Mr. Bevans forgot to be bashful twice during the day, and even smiled -once also. He began to get acquainted with Fanny after dinner, and -praised her beautiful letters. She blushed clear up under her "wave," -and returned the compliment. - -That was natural. When he praised her letters I did not wonder, and -when she praised his I admitted that she was eminently correct. I never -witnessed better taste on the part of two young and trusting hearts. - -After Christmas I thought they would both feel like buying a manual and -doing their own writing, but they did not dare to do so evidently. They -seemed to be afraid the change would be detected, so I piloted them into -the middle of the succeeding fall, and then introduced the crisis into -both their lives. - -It was a success. - -I felt about as well as though I were to be cut down myself, and married -off in the very prime of life. Fanny wore the usual clothing adopted -by young ladies who are about to be sacrificed to a great horrid man. I -cannot give the exact description of her trousseau, but she looked like -a hazel-eyed angel, with a freckle on the bridge of her nose. The -groom looked a little scared, and moved his gloved hands as though they -weighed twenty-one pounds apiece. - -However, it's all over now. I was up there recently to see them. They -are quite happy. Not too happy, but just happy enough. They call their -oldest son Birdie. I wanted them to call him William, but they were -headstrong and named him Birdie. That wounded my pride, and so I called -him Earlie Birdie. - - - - -GREELEY AID RUM. - -|WHEN I visit Greeley I am asked over and over again as to the practical -workings of woman suffrage in Wyoming, and when I go back to Wyoming I -am asked how prohibition works practically in Greeley, Col. By telling -varied and pleasing lies about both I manage to have a good deal of fun, -and also keep the two elements on the anxious seat. - -There are two sides to both questions, and some day when I get time -and have convalesced a little more, I am going to write a large book -relating to these two matters. At present I just want to say a word -about the colony which bears the name of the Tribune philosopher, and -nestles so lovingly at the chilly feet of the Rocky mountains. As I -write, Greeley is apparently an oasis in the desert. It looks like -a fertile island dropped down from heaven in a boundless stretch of -buffalo grass, sage hens and cunning little prairie dogs. And yet you -could not come here as a stranger, and within the colonial barbed wire -fence, procure a bite of cold rum if you were President of the United -States, with a rattlesnake bite as large as an Easter egg concealed -about your person. You can, however, become acquainted, if you are of a -social nature and keep your eyes open. - -I do not say this because I have been thirsty these few past weeks and -just dropped on the game, as Aristotle would say, but just to prove that -men are like boys, and when you tell them they can't have any particular -thing, that is the thing they are apt to desire with a feverish yearn. -That is why the thirstful man in Maine drinks from the gas fixture; why -the Kansas drinkist gets his out of a rain-water barrel, and why other -miracles too numerous to mention are performed. - -Whisky is more bulky and annoying to carry about in the coat-tail -pocket than a plug of tobacco, but there have been cases where it was -successfully done. I was shown yesterday a little corner that would hold -six or eight bushels. It was in the wash-room of a hotel, and was about -half full. So were the men who came there, for before night the entire -place was filled with empty whisky bottles of every size, shape and -smell. The little fat bottle with the odor of gin and livery stable was -there, and the large flat bottle that you get at Evans, four miles away, -generally filled with something that tastes like tincture of capsicum, -spirits of ammonia and lingering death, is also represented in this -great congress of cosmopolitan bottles sucked dry and the cork gnawed -half up. - -When I came to Greeley, I was still following the course of treatment -prescribed by my Laramie City physician, and with the rest, I was -required to force down three adult doses of brandy per day. He used -to taste the prescription at times to see if it had been properly -compounded. Shortly after my arrival here I ran out of this remedy -and asked a friend to go and get the bottle refilled. He was a man not -familiar with Greeley in its moisture-producing capacity, and he was -unable to procure the vile demon in the town for love or wealth. The -druggist even did not keep it, and although he met crowds of men with -tears in their eyes and breath like a veteran bung-starter, he had to -go to Evans for the required opiate. This I use externally, now, on the -vagrant dog who comes to me to be fondled and who goes away with his -hair off. Central Colorado is full of partially bald dogs who have wiped -their wet, cold noses on me, not wisely but too well. - - - - -ABOUT SAW MILLS. - -River Falls, Wis., May 80. - -|I HAVE just returned from a trip up the North Wisconsin railway, where -I went to catch a string of codfish, and anything else that might be -contagious. The trip was a pleasant one and productive of great good in -many ways. I am hardening myself to railway traveling, like Timberline -Jones' man, so that I can stand the return journey to Laramie in July. - -Northern Wisconsin is the place where the "foreign lumber" comes from -which we use in Laramie in the erection of our palatial residences. I -visited the mill last week that furnished the lumber used in the Oasis -hotel at Greeley. They yank a big wet log into that mill and turn it -into cash as quick as a railroad man can draw his salary out of the pay -car. The log is held on a carriage by means of iron dogs while it is -being worked into lumber. These iron dogs are not like those we see on -the front steps of a brown stone house occasionally. They are another -breed of dogs. - -[Illustration: 0027] - -The managing editor of the mill lays out the log in his mind, and works -it into dimension stuff, shingle holts, slabs, edgings, two by fours, -two by eights, two by sixes, etc., so as to use the goods to the best -advantage, just as a woman takes a dress pattern and cuts it so she -won't have to piece the front breadths, and will still have enough left -to make a polonaise for the last-summer gown. - -I stood there for a long time watching the various saws and listening -to their monotonous growl, and wishing that I had been born a successful -timber thief instead of a poor boy without a rag to my back. - -At one of these mills, not long ago, a man backed up to get away from -the carriage, and thoughtlessly backed against a large saw that was -revolving at the rate of about 200 times a minute. The saw took a large -chew of tobacco from the plug he had in his pistol pocket, and then -began on him. - -But there's no use going into details. Such things are not cheerful. -They gathered him up out of the sawdust and put him in a nail keg and -carried him away, but he did not speak again. Life was quite extinct. -Whether it was the nervous shock that killed him, or the concussion of -the cold saw against his liver that killed him, no one ever knew. - -The mill shut down a couple of hours so that the head sawyer could file -his saw, and then work was resumed once more. - -We should learn from this never to lean on the buzz saw when it moveth -itself aright. - - - - -EXPERIMENTS WITH OLD CHEESE. - -|A RECENT article in a dairy paper is entitled, "Experiments with Old -Cheese." We have experimented some on the venerable cheese, too. One -plan is to administer chloroform first, then perform the operation while -the cheese is under its influence. This renders the experiment entirely -painless, and at the same time it is more apt to keep quiet. After the -operation the cheese may be driven a few miles in the open air, which -will do away with the effects of the chloroform. - - - - -THE RAG-CARPET. - -|WITH the threatened eruption of the rag carpet as a kind of venerable -successor to the genuine Boston-made Turkish rug, there comes a wail on -the part of the male portion of humanity, and a protest on the part of -all health-loving humanity. - -I rise at this moment as the self-appointed representative of poor, -down-trodden and long-suffering man. Already lady friends are looking -with avaricious and covetous eyes on my spring suit, and, in fancy, -constructing a stripe of navy blue, while some other man's spring -clothes are already spotted for the "hit-or-miss" stripe of this -time-honored humbug. - -It does seem to me that there is enough sorrowing toil going for nothing -already; enough of back ache and delirium, without tearing the shirts -off a man's back to sew into a big ball, and then weave into a -rag carpet made to breathe death and disease, with its prehistoric -perspiration and its modern drug store dyes. - -The rug now commonly known as the Turkish prayer rug, has a sad, worn -look, but it does not come up to the rag carpet of the dear old home. - -Around it there clusters, perhaps, a tradition of an Oriental falsehood, -but the rag carpet of the dear old home, rich in association, is an -heir-loom that passes down from generation to generation, like the horse -blanket of forgotten years or the ragbag of the dear, dead past. Here is -found the stripe of all-wool delaine that was worn by one who is now -in the golden hence, or, stricken with the Dakota fever, living in the -squatter's home; and there is the fragment of underclothes prematurely -jerked from the back of the husband and father before the silver of a -century had crept into his hair. There is no question but the dear old -rag carpet, with poisonous greens and sickly yellows and brindle -browns and doubtful blacks, is a big thing. It looks kind of modest and -unpretending, and yet speaks of the dead past, and smells of the antique -and the garret. - -It represents the long months when aching fingers first sewed the -garments, then the first dash of gravy on the front breadth, the -maddening cry, the wild effort to efface it with benzine, the sorrowful -defeat, the dusty grease-spot standing like a pork-gravy plaque upon the -face of the past, the glad relinquishment of the garment, the attack -of the rag-carpet fiend upon it, the hurried crash as it was torn into -shreds and sewn together, then the mad plunge of the dust-powdered mass -into the reeking bath of Paris green or copperas, then the weaver's -gentle racket, and at last the pale, consumptive, freckled, sickly -panorama of outrageous coloring, offending the eye, the nose, the thorax -and the larynx, to be trodden under feet of men, and to yield up -its precious dose of destroying poisons from generation even unto -generation. - -It is not a thing of beauty, for it looks like the colored engraving -of a mortified lung. It is not economical, for the same time devoted -to knocking out the brains of frogs and collecting their hams for the -metropolitan market would yield infinitely more; and it is not worth -much as an heirloom, for within the same time a mortgage may be placed -upon the old homestead which will pass down from father to son, even to -nations yet unborn, and attract more attention in the courts than all -the rag carpets that it would require to span the broad, spangled dome -of heaven. - -I often wonder that Oscar Wilde, the pale patron of the good, the true -and the beautiful, did not rise in his might and knock the essential -warp and filling out of the rag carpet. Oscar did not do right, or he -would have stood up in his funny clothes and fought for reform at so -much per fight. While he made fun of the Chicago water works, a grateful -public would have buried him in cut flowers if, instead, he had warped -it to the rag carpet and the approaching dude. - -A TRYING SITUATION. - -|THERE are a great many things in life which go to atone for the -disappointments and sorrows which one meets," but when a young man's -rival takes the fair Matilda to see the baseball game, and sits under -an umbrella beside her, and is at the height of enjoyment, and gets the -benefit of a "hot ball" in the pit of his stomach, there is a nameless -joy settles down in the heart of the lonesome young man, such as the -world can neither give nor take away. - - - - -ONE KIND OF A BOY. - -|I AM always sorry to see a youth get irritated and pack up his clothes, -in the heat of debate, and leave the home nest. His future is a little -doubtful, and it is hard to prognosticate whether he will fracture -limestone for the streets of a great city, or become President of the -United States; but there is a beautiful and luminous life ahead of him -in comparison with that of the boy who obstinately refuses to leave the -home nest. - -The boy who cannot summon the moral courage some day to uncoil the -tendrils of his heart from the clustering idols of the household, to -grapple with outrageous fortune, ought to be taken by the ear and led -away out into the great untried realm of space. - -While the great world throbs on, he sighs and refuses to throb. While -other young men put on their seal-brown overalls and wrench the laurel -wreath and other vegetables from cruel fate, the youth who dangles near -the old nest, and eats the hard-earned groceries of his father, shivers -on the brink of life's great current and sheds the scalding tear. - -He is the young-man-afraid-of-the-sawbuck, the human being with the -unlaundried spinal column. The only vital question that may be said to -agitate his pseudo brain is, whether he shall marry and bring his wife -to the home nest, or marry and tear loose from his parents to live -with his father-in-law. Finally he settles it and compromises by living -alternately with each. - -How the old folks yearn to see him. How their aged eyes light up when -he comes with his growing family to devour everything in sight and yawn -through the space between meals. This is the heyday of his life; the -high noon of the boy who never ventured to ride the yearling colt, or to -be yanked through the shimmering sunlight at the tail of a two-year-old. -He never dared to have any fun because he might bump his nose and make -it bleed on his clean clothes. He never surreptitiously cut the copper -wire off the lightning rod to snare suckers with, and he never went in -swimming because the great, rude boys might duck him or paint him with -mud. He shunned the green apple of boyhood, and did not slide down hill -because he would have to pull his sled back to the top again. - -Now, he borrows other people's newspapers, eats the provisions of -others, and sits on the counter of the grocery till the proprietor calls -him a counter irritant. - -There can be nothing more un-American than this flabby polyp, this -one-horse tadpole that never becomes a frog. The average American would -rather burst up in business six times in four years, and settle for nine -cents on the dollar, than to lead such a life. He would rather be an -active bankrupt than a weak and bilious barnacle on the clam-shell of -home. - -The true American would rather work himself into luxury or the lunatic -asylum than to hang like a great wart upon the face of nature. This -young man is not in accordance with the Yankee schedule, and yet I do -not want to say that he belongs to any other nation. Foreign powers may -have been wrong; trans-Atlantic nations may have erred, and the system -of European government may have been erroneous, but I would not come out -and charge them with this horrible responsibility. They never harmed me, -and I will not tarnish their fair fame with this grave indictment. - -He will breathe a certain amount of atmosphere, and absorb a given -amount of feed for a few years, and then the full-grown biped will leave -the home nest at last. The undertaker will come and get him and take -what there is left of him out to the cemetery. That will be all. There -can be no deep abiding sorrow for him here; public buildings will not be -draped in mourning, and you can get your mail at the usual hour when he -dies. The band will not play a sadder strain because the fag-end of -a human failure has tapered down to death, and the soft and shapeless -features are still. You will have no trouble getting a draft cashed on -that day, and the giddy throng will join the picnic as they had made -arrangements to do. - - - - -THE CHAMPION MEAN MAN. - -|LARAMIE has the champion mean man. He has a Sunday handkerchief made -to order with scarlet spots on it, which he sticks up to his nose just -before the plate starts round, and leaves the church like a house on -fire. So after he has squeezed out the usual amount of gospel, he -slips around the corner and goes home ten cents ahead, and has his -self-adjusting nose-bleed handkerchief for another trip. - - - - -FRATERNAL SPARRING. - -|I HAVE just returned from a little two-handed tournament with the -gloves. I have filled my nose with cotton waste so that I shall not soak -this sketch in gore as I write. - -I needed a little healthful exercise and was looking for something that -would be full of vigorous enthusiasm, and at the same time promote the -healthful flow of blood to the muscles. This was rather difficult. -I tried most everything, but failed. Being a sociable being (joke) I -wanted other people to help me exercise, or go along with me when I -exercised. Some men can go away to a desert isle and have fun with -dumb-bells and a horizontal bar, but to me it would seem dull and -commonplace after a while, and I would yearn for more humanity. - -Two of us finally concluded to play billiards; but we were only amateurs -and the owner intimated that he would want the table for Fourth of July, -so we broke off in the middle of the first game and I paid for it. - -Then a younger brother said he had a set of boxing-gloves in his room, -and although I was the taller and had longer arms, he would hold up as -long its he could., and I might hammer him until I gained strength and -finally got well. - -I accepted this offer because I had often regretted that I had not made -myself familiar with this art, and also because I knew it would create -a thrill of interest and fire me with ambition, and that's what a -hollow-eyed invalid needs to put him on the road to recovery. - -The boxing-glove is a large fat mitten, with an abnormal thumb and a -string at the wrist by which you tie it on, so that when you feed it to -your adversary he cannot swallow it and choke himself. I had never -seen any boxing-gloves before, but my brother said they were soft and -wouldn't hurt anybody. So we took off some of our raiment and put them -on. Then we shook hands. I can remember distinctly yet that we shook -hands. That was to show that we were friendly and would not slay each -other. - -My brother is a great deal younger than I am and so I warned him not to -get excited and come for me with anything that would look like wild and -ungovernable fury, because I might, in the heat of debate, pile his jaw -up on his forehead and fill his ear full of sore thumb. He said that was -all right and he would try to be cool and collected. - -Then we put our right toes together and I told him to be on his guard. -At that moment I dealt him a terrific blow aimed at his nose, but -through a clerical error of mine it went over his shoulder and spent -itself in the wall of the room, shattering a small holly-wood bracket, -for which I paid him $3.75 afterward. I did not wish to buy the bracket -because I had two at home, but he was arbitrary about it and I bought -it. - -We then took another athletic posture, and in two seconds the air was -full of poulticed thumb and buckskin mitten. I soon detected a chance -to put one in where my brother could smell of it, but I never knew just -where it struck, for at that moment I ran up against something with the -pit of my stomach that made me throw up the sponge along with some other -groceries, the names of which I cannot now recall. - -My brother then proposed that we take off the gloves, but I thought I -had not sufficiently punished him, and that another round would complete -the conquest, which was then almost within my grasp. I took a bismuth -powder and squared myself, but in warding off a left-hander, I forgot -about my adversary's right and ran my nose into the middle of his -boxing-glove. Fearing that I had injured him, I retreated rapidly on my -elbows and shoulder-blades to the corner of the room, thus giving him -ample time to recover. By this means my younger brother's features were -saved, and are to-day as symmetrical as my own. - -I can still cough up pieces of boxing-gloves, and when I close my eyes -I can see calcium lights and blue phosphorescent gleams across the -horizon; but I am thoroughly convinced that there is no physical -exercise which yields the same amount of health and elastic vigor to -the puncher that the manly art does. To the punchee, also, it affords a -large wad of glad surprises and nose bleed, which cannot be hurtful to -those who hanker for the pleasing nervous shock, the spinal jar and the -pyrotechnic concussion. - -That is why I shall continue the exercises after I have practiced with -a mule or a cow-catcher two or three weeks, and feel a little more -confidence in myself. - - - - -CHIPETA'S ADDRESS TO THE UTES. - -|PEOPLE of my tribe! the sorrowing widow of the dead Ouray speaks to -you. She comes to you, not as the squaw of the dead chieftain, to rouse -you to war and victory, but to weep with you over the loss of her people -and the greed of the pale face. - -The fair Colorado, over whose Rocky mountains we have roamed and hunted -in the olden time, is now overrun by the silver-plated Senator and the -soft-eyed dude. - -We are driven to a small corner of the earth to die, while the oppressor -digs gopher holes in the green grass and sells them to the speculator of -the great cities toward the rising sun. - -Through the long, cold winter my people have passed, in want and cold, -while the conqueror of the peaceful Ute has worn $250 night-shirts and -filled his pale skin with pie. - -Chipeta addresses you as the weeping squaw of a great man whose bones -will one day nourish the cucumber vine. Ouray now sleeps beneath the -brown grass of the canyon, where the soft spring winds may stir the dead -leaves, and the young coyote may come and monkey o'er his grave. Ouray -was ignorant in the ways of the pale face. He could not go to Congress, -for he was not a citizen of the United States. He had not taken out -his second papers. He was a simple child of the forest, but he stuck -to Chipeta. He loved Chipeta like a hired man. That is why the widowed -squaw weeps over him. - -A few more years and I shall join Ouray--my chief, Ouray the big Injun -from away up the gulch. His heart is still open to me. Chipeta could -trust him, even among tire smiling maidens of her tribe. Ouray was true. -There was no funny business in his nature. He loved not the garb of the -pale face, but won my heart while he wore a saddle-blanket and a look of -woe. - -Chipeta looks to the north and the south, and all about are the graves -of her people. The refinement of the oppressor has come, with its -divorce and schools and gin cocktails and flour bread and fall -elections, and we linger here like a boil on the neck of a fat man. - -Even while I talk to you, the damp winds of April are sighing through my -vertebras, and I've got more pains in my back than a conservatory. - -Weep with the widowed Chipeta. Bow your heads and howl, for our harps -are hung on the willows and our wild goose is cooked. - -Who will be left to mourn at Chipeta's grave? None but the starving -pappooses of my nation. We stand in the gray mist of spring like dead -burdocks in the field of the honest farmer, and the chilly winds of -departing winter make us hump and gather like a burnt boot. - -All we can do is to wail. We are the red-skinned wailers from Wailtown. - -Colorado is no more the home of the Ute. It is the dwelling place of -the bonanza Senator, who doesn't know the difference between the plan of -salvation and the previous question. - -Chipeta cannot vote. Chipeta cannot pay taxes to a great nation, but you -will be apt to hear her gentle voice, and her mellow racket will fill -the air till her tongue is cold, and they tuck the buffalo robe about -her and plant her by the side of her dead chieftain, where the south -wind and the sage hen are singing. - -[Illustration: 0046] - - - - -BILL NYE'S CAT. - -(BY PERMISSION.) - -|I AM not fond of cats, as a general rule. I never yearned to have one -around the house. My idea always was, that I could have trouble enough -in a legitimate way without adding a cat to my woes. With a belligerent -cook and a communistic laundress, it seems to me most anybody ought to -be unhappy enough without a cat. - -I never owned one until a tramp cat came to our house one day during the -present autumn, and tearfully asked to be loved. He didn't have anything -in his make-up that was calculated to win anybody's love, but he seemed -contented with a little affection,--one ear was gone and his tail was -bald for six inches at the end, and he was otherwise well calculated to -win confidence and sympathy. Though we could not be madly in love with -him, we decided to be friends, and give him a chance to win the general -respect. - -Everything would have turned out all right if the bobtail waif had not -been a little given to investigation. He wanted to know more about the -great world in which he lived, so he began by inspecting my house. He -got into the store-room closet and found a place where the carpenter had -not completed his job. This is a feature of the Laramie artisan's style. -He leaves little places in unobserved corners generally, so that he can -come back some day and finish it at an additional cost of fifty dollars. -This cat observed that he could enter at this point and go all over the -imposing structure between the flooring and the ceiling. He proceeded to -do so. - -***** - -We will now suppose that a period of two days has passed. The wide halls -and spacious façades of the Nye mansion are still. The lights in the -banquet-hall are extinguished, and the ice-cream freezer is hushed to -rest in the wood-sned. A soft and tearful yowl, deepened into a regular -ring-tail-peeler, splits the solemn night in twain. Nobody seemed to -know where it came from. - -I rose softly and went to where the sound had seemed to well up from. It -was not there. - -I stood on a piece of cracker in the diningroom a moment, waiting for it -to come again. This time it came from the boudoir of our French artist -in soup-bone symphonies and pie--Mademoiselle Bridget O'Dooley. I went -there and opened the door softly, so as to let the cat out without -disturbing the giant mind-that had worn itself out during the day in the -kitchen, bestowing a dry shampoo to the china. - -Then I changed my mind and came out. Several articles of vertu, beside -Bridget, followed me with some degree of vigor. - -The next time the tramp cat yowled he seemed to be in the recesses of -the bath-room. I went down stairs and investigated. In doing so I -drove my superior toe into my foot, out of sight, with a door that I -encountered. My wife joined me in the search. She could not do much, but -she aided me a thousand times by her counsel. If it had not been for -her mature advice I might have lost much of the invigorating exercise of -that memorable night. - -Toward morning we discovered that the cat was between the floor of the -children's play-room and the ceiling of the dining-room. We tried till -daylight to persuade the cat to come out and get acquainted, but he -would not. - -At last we decided that the quickest way to get the poor little thing -out was to let him die in there, and then we could tear up that portion -of the house and get him out. While he lived we couldn't keep him still -long enough to tear a hole in the house and get at him. - -It was a little unpleasant for a day or two waiting for death to come -to his relief, for he seemed to die hard, but at last the unearthly -midnight yowl was still. The plaintive little voice ceased to vibrate on -the still and pulseless air. Later, we found, however, that he was not -dead. In a lucid interval he had discovered the hole in the store-room -where he entered, and, as we found afterward a gallon of coal-oil -spilled in a barrel of cut loaf-sugar, we concluded that he had escaped -by that route. - -That was the only time that I ever kept a cat, and I didn't do it then -because I was suffering for something to fondle. I've got a good deal -of surplus affection, I know, but I don't have to spread it out over a -stump-tail orphan cat. - - - - -AUTUMN THOUGHTS. - -|IN the Rocky mountains now the eternal whiteness is stealing down -toward the foot-hills and the brown mantle of October hangs softly on -the swelling divide, while along the winding streams, cottonwood and -willow are turned to gold, and the deep green of the solemn pines lies -farther back against the soft blue of the autumn sky. The sigh of the -approaching storm is heard at eventide, and the hostile Indian comes -into the reservation to get some arnica for his chilblain, and to heal -up the old feeling of intolerance on the part, of the pale face. - -He leaves the glorious picture of mountain and glen; the wide sweep of -magnificent nature, where a thousand gorgeous dyes are spread over the -remains of the dead summer, and folding his tepee, he steals into the -home of the white man that he may be once more at peace with the world. - -The hectic of the dying year saddens and depresses him, for is it not -an emblem to him of the death of his race? Is it not to him an assurance -that in the golden ultimately, the red man will be sought for on the -face of the earth and he will not be able to represent. He will not -be there either in person or by proxy. Here and there may be found the -little silent mounds with some glass beads and teeth in them, but the -silent warrior with the Roman nose will not be there. - -[Illustration: 0051] - -The Indian agent will have a large, conservative cemetery on his hands, -and the brave warrior will be marching single file through the corridors -of the hence. - -At this moment he does not look romantic. Clothed in a coffee sack and a -little brief authority, he would not make a good vignette on a $5 bill. -His wife, too, looks careworn, and the old glad light is not in her -eye. Pier gunny-sack dolman is not what it once was, and her beautifully -arched foot has spread out over the reservation more than it used to. -Her step has lost its old elasticity, and so have her suspenders. - -Autumn brings to her nothing but regret for the past and hopelessness -for the future. The cold and cruel winter will bring her nothing but -bitter memories and condemned government grub. The solemn hush of nature -and the gorgeous coloring of the forest do not awake a thrill in her -wild heart. She cares not for the dead summer or the mellow mist of the -grand old mountains. - -She doesn't care two cents. She knows that no sealskin sacque will come -to her on the Christmas trees, and the glad welcome of the placid and -select oyster is not for her. - -Is it surprising, then, that to this decaying belle of an old family -the sparkle of hope is unknown? Can we wonder, as we contemplate her -history, that to her the soldier pantaloons of last year, and the -bullwhacker's straw hat of '79, are obnoxious? - -She is like her sex, and her joy is fractured by the knowledge that her -moccasins are down at the heel, and her stockings existing in the realms -of fancy. We should not look with scorn upon Mrs. Rise-up-William-Riley, -for hope is dead in her breast, and the wigwam is desolate in the -sage-brush. - -Daughter of a great nation, we are not mad at you. You are not to be -blamed because the republican party has busted your crust. We do not -hate you because you eat your steak-rare and wear your own hair. It is -your own right to do so if you wish. Brace up, therefore, and take a -tumble, as it were, and try to be cheerful. We will not massacre you if -you will not massacre us. All we want is peace, and you can wear what -you like, only wear something, if you please, when you come into our -society. We do not ask you to conform strictly to our false and peculiar -costumes, but wear something to protect you from the chilling blasts of -winter and you will win our respect. You needn't mingle in our society -much if you do not choose to, but wrap yourself up in most any kind -of clothing that will silence the tongue of slander, and try to quit -drinking. You would get along first-rate if you would only let liquor -alone. Do not try to drown your sorrows in the flowing bowl. It's -expensive and unsatisfactory. Take our advice and swear off. We have -tried it, and we know what we are talking about. - -You have a glorious future before you, if you will cease to drink -the vintage of the pale face, and monkey with petty larceny. Look at -Pocahontas and Mrs. Tecumseh. They didn't drink. They were women of -no more ability than you have, but they were high-toned, and they got -there, Eli. Now they are known to history along with Cornwallis and -Payne. You can do the same if you choose to. Do not be content to lead a -yellow dog around by a string and get inebriated, but rise up out of the -alkali dust, and resolve that you will shun the demon of drink. - -You ought to be ashamed of yourself. - - - - -THE MAN WHO INTERRUPTS. - -|I DO not, as a rule, thirst for the blood of my fellow-man. I am -willing that the law should in all ordinary cases take its course, but -when we begin to discuss the man who breaks into a conversation and -ruins it with his own irrelevant ideas, regardless of the feelings -of humanity, I am not a law and order man. The spirit of the "Red -Vigilanter" is roused in my breast and I hunger for the blood of that -man. - -Interrupters are of two classes: First, the common plug who thinks -aloud, and whose conversation wanders with his so-called mind. He breaks -into the saddest and sweetest of sentiment, and the choicest and -most tearful of pathos, with the remorseless ignorance that marks a -stump-tail cow in a dahlia bed. He is the bull in my china shop, -the wormwood in my wine, and the kerosene in my maple syrup. I am shy in -conversation, and my unfettered flights of poesy and sentiment are rare, -but this man is always near to mar all with a remark, or a marginal -note, or a story or a bit of politics, ready to bust my beautiful dream -and make me wish that his name might be carved on a marble slab in some -quiet cemetery, far away. - -Dear reader, did you ever meet this man--or his wife? Did you ever -strike some beautiful thought and begin to reel it off to your friends -only to be shut off in the middle of a sentence by this choice and -banner idiot of conversation? If so, come and sit by me, and you may -pour your woes into my ear, and I in turn will pour a few gallons into -your listening ear. - -I do not care to talk more than my share of the time, but I would be -glad to arrive at a conclusion just to see how it would seem. I would be -so pleased and so joyous to follow up an anecdote till I had reached the -"nub," as it were, to chase argument home to conviction, and to clinch -assertion with authority and evidence. - -The second class of interrupters is even worse. It consists of the -man--and, I am pained to state, his wife also--who see the general drift -of your remarks and finish out your story, your gem of thought or -your argument. It is very seldom that they do this as you would do it -yourself, but they are kind and thoughtful and their services are always -at hand. No matter how busy they may be, they will leave their own work -and fly to your aid. With the light of sympathy in their eyes, they -rush into the conversation, and, partaking of your own zeal, they take -the words from your mouth, and cheerfully suck the juice out of your -joke, handing back the rind and hoping for reward. That is where they -get left, so far as I am concerned. I am almost always ready to repay -rudeness with rudeness, and cold preserved gall with such acrid sarcasm -as I may be able to secure at the moment. No one will ever know how I -yearn for the blood of the interrupter. At night I camp on his trail, -and all the day I thirst for his warm life's current. In my dreams I am -cutting his scalp loose with a case-knife, while my fingers are twined -in his clustering hair. I walk over him and promenade across his abdomen -as I slumber. I hear his ribs crack, and I see his tongue hang over his -shoulder as he smiles death's mirthful smile. - -I do not interrupt a man no more than I would tell him he lied. I give -him a chance to win applause or decomposed eggs from the audience, -according to what he has to say, and according to the profundity of -his profund. All I want is a similar chance and room according to my -strength. Common decency ought to govern conversation without its being -necessary to hire an umpire armed with a four-foot club, to announce who -is at the bat and who is on deck. - -It is only once in a week or two that the angel troubles the waters and -stirs up the depths of my conversational powers, and then the chances -are that some leprous old nasty toad who has been hanging on the brink -of decent society for two weeks, slides in with a low kerplunk, and my -fair blossom of thought that has been trying for weeks to bloom, -withers and goes to seed, while the man with the chilled steel and -copper-riveted brow, and a wad of self-esteem on his intellectual -balcony as big as an inkstand, walks slowly away to think of some other -dazzling gem, and thus be ready to bust my beautiful phantom, and tear -out my high-priced bulbs of fancy the next time I open my mouth. - - - - -THE ROCKY MOUKTAIN COW. - -|THE attention of the Rocky Mountain Detective Association is -respectfully called to a large bay cow, who is hanging around this place -under an assumed name. She has no visible means of support, and has -been seen trying to catch the combination to the safes of several of our -business men here. She has also stolen into our lot several times and -eaten two or three lengths of stovepipe that we neglected to lock up. - - - - -PRESERVING EGGS. - -|THE Scientific American gives this as an excellent mode of preserving -eggs: "Take fresh, ones, put a dozen or more into a small willow basket, -and immerse this for five seconds in boiling water, containing about -five pounds of common brown sugar per gallon, then pack, when cool, -small ends down, in an intimate mixture of one part of finely powdered -charcoal and two of dry bran. In this way they will last six months or -more. The scalding water causes the formation of a thin skin of hard -albumen near the inner surface of the shell, and the sugar of syrup -closes all the pores." - -The Scientific American neglects, however, to add that when you open -them six months after they were picked and preserved, the safest way is -to open them out in the alley with a revolver, at sixteen paces. When -you have succeeded in opening one, you can jump on a fleet horse and get -out of the country before the nut brown flavor catches up with you. - - - - -HUMAN' NATURE ON THE HALF-SHELL. - -|I AM up here in River Falls, Wisconsin, and patiently waiting for the -snow-banks to wilt away and gentle spring to come again. Gentle spring, -as I go to press, hath not yet loomed up. Nothing in fact hath loomed -up, as yet, save the great Dakota boom. Everybody, from the servant -girl with the symphony in smut on her face and the boundless waste of -freckles athwart her nose, up to the normal school graduate, with enough -knowledge to start a grist mill for the gods, has "a claim" in the -promised land, the great wild goose orchard and tadpole aquarium of the -new Northwest. - -The honest farmer deserts his farm, around which clusters a thousand -memories of the past, and buckling on his web feet, he flees to the frog -ponds of the great northern watershed, to make a "tree claim," and be -happy. - -Such is life. We battle on bravely for years, cutting out white-oak -grubs, and squashing army worms on a shingle, in order that we may dwell -beneath our own vine and plum tree, and then we sell and take wings -toward a wild, unknown country, where land is dirt cheap, where the -wicked cease from troubling and the weary are at rest. - -That is where we get left, if I may be allowed an Americanism, or -whatever it is. We are never at rest. The more we emigrate the more -worthless, unsatisfied and trifling we become. I have seen the same -family go through Laramie City six times because they knew not of -contentment. The first time they went west in a Pullman car "for their -health." The husband rashly told a sad-eyed man that he lied, and in a -little while the sun was obscured by loose teeth and hair. The ground -was torn up and vegetation was killed where the discussion was held. - -Then the family went home to Toledo. They went in a day coach and said a -Pullman car was full of malaria and death. Their relatives made sport -of them and lifted up their yawp and yawped at them insomuch that the -yawpness thereof was as the town caucus for might. Then the tourists on -the following spring packed up two pillows, and a pink comforter, and -a change of raiment, and gat them onto the emigrant train and journeyed -into the land which is called Arizona, where the tarantula climbeth up -on the innerside of the pantaloon and tickleth the limb of the pilgrim -as he journeyeth, and behold he getteth in his work, and the leg of that -man is greater than it was aforetime, even like unto the leg of a piano. - -A FRIGID ROUTE. - -|THERE'S no doubt but that the Fort Collins route to the North Park, is -a good, practicable route, but the only man who has started out over it -this spring fetched up in the New Jerusalem. - -The trouble with that line of travel is, that the temperature is too -short. The summer on the Fort Collins route is noted mainly for its -brevity. It lasts about as long as an ordinary eclipse of the sun. - -The man who undertook to go over the road this spring on snow shoes, -with a load consisting of ten cents' worth of fine cut tobacco, has not -been heard from yet at either end of the line, and he is supposed to -have perished, or else he is still in search of an open polar sea. - -It is hoped that dog days will bring him to the surface, but if the -winter comes on as early this fall as there are grave reasons to fear, -a man couldn't get over the divide in the short space of time which will -intervene between Decoration day and Christmas. - -We hate to discourage people who have an idea of going over the Fort -Collins road to North Park, but would suggest that preparations be made -in advance for about five hundred St. Bernard dogs and a large supply -of arctic whisky, to be placed on file where it can be got at without a -moment's delay. - - - - -TOO CONTIGUOUS. - -|THERE is a firm on Coyote creek, in New Jersey, that would like to -advertise in _The Boomerang_, and the members of the firm are evidently -good square men, although they are not large. They lack about four feet -in stature of being large enough to come within the range of our vision. - -They have got more pure gall to the superficial foot than anybody we -ever heard of. It seems that the house has a lot of vermifuge to feed -plants, and a bedbug tonic that it wants to bring before the public, and -it wants us to devote a quarter of a column every day to the merits of -these bug and worm discouragers, and then take our pay out of tickets in -the drawing of a brindle dog next spring. - -We might as well come right out end state that we are not publishing -this paper for our health, nor because we like to loll around in -luxury all day in the voluptuous office of the staff. We have mercenary -motives, and we can't work off wheezy parlor organs and patent corn -plasters and threshing machines very well. We desire the scads. We can -use them in our business, and we are gathering them in just as fast as -we can. At the present time we are pretty well supplied with rectangular -churns and stem-winding mouse traps. We do not need them, It takes too -much time to hypothecate them. - -In closing, we will add, that New Jersey people will not be charged much -more for advertising space than Wyoming people. We have made special -rates so that we can give the patrons of the East almost as good terms -as our home advertisers. - - - - -THE AMENDE HONORABLE. - -|IT is rather interesting to watch the manner by which old customs have -been slightly changed and handed down from age to age. Peculiarities of -old traditions still linger among us, and are forked over to posterity -like a wappy-jawed teapot or a long-time mortgage.. No one can explain -it, but the fact still remains patent that some of the oddities of our -ancestors continue to appear from time to time, clothed in the changing -costumes of the prevailing fashion. - -Along with these choice antiquities, and carrying the nut-brown flavor -of the dead and relentless years, comes the amende honorable. From the -original amende in which the offender appeared in public clothed only in -a cotton-flannel shirt, and with a rope about his neck as an evidence a -formal recantation, down to this day when (sometimes) the pale editor, -in a stickful of type, admits that "his informant was in error," the -amende honorable has marched along with the easy tread of time. The -blue-eyed moulder of public opinion, with one suspender hanging down -at his side, and writing on a sheet of news-copy paper, has a more -extensive costume, perhaps, than the old-time offender who bowed in the -dust in the midst of the great populace, and with a halter under his ear -admitted his offense, but he does not feel any more cheerful over it. - -I have been called upon several times to make the amende honorable, and -I admit that it is not an occasion of mirth and merriment. People who -come into the editorial office to invest in a retraction are generally -very healthy, and have a stiff, reserved manner that no cheerfulness of -hospitality can soften.. - -I remember of an accident of this kind which occurred last summer in my -office, while I was writing something scathing. A large map with an air -of profound perspiration about him, and a plaid flannel shirt, stepped -into the middle of the room, and breathed in the air that I was not -using. He said he would give me four minutes in which to retract, and -pulled out a watch by which to ascertain the exact time. - -[Illustration: 0067] - -I asked him if he would not allow me a moment or two to go over to the -telegraph office and to wire my parents of my awful death. He said I -could walk out of that door when I walked over his dead body. Then I -waited a long time, until he told me my time was up, and asked what -I was waiting for. I told him I was waiting for him to die, so that I -could walk over his dead body. How could I walk over a corpse until life -was extinct? - -He stood and looked at me first in astonishment, afterward in pity. -Finally tears welled up in his eyes, and plowed their way down his brown -and grimy face. Then he said that I need not fear him. "You are safe," -said he. "A youth who is so patient and so cheerful as you are--who -would wait for a healthy man to die so that you could meander over his -pulseless remnants, ought not to die a violent death. A soft-eyed seraph -like you, who is no more conversant with the ways of this world than -that, ought to be put in a glass vial of alcohol and preserved. I came -up here to kill you and throw you into the rain-water barrel, but now -that I know what a patient disposition you have, I shudder to think of -the crime I was about to commit." - - - - -JOAQUIN AND JUNIATA. - -|JOAQUIN MILLER has just published a new book called "The Shadows of -Shasta." It is based on the Hiawatha, Blue Juniata romance, which the -average poet seems competent to yank loose from the history of the -sore-eyed savage at all times. - -Whenever a dead-beat poet strikes bedrock and don't have shekels enough -to buy a bowl of soup, he writes an inspired ode to the unfettered -horse-thief of the west. - -It is all right so far as we know. If the poet will wear out the -smoke-tanned child of the forest writing poetry about him, and then if -the child of the forest will rise up in his death struggle and mash the -never-dying soul out of the white-livered poet, everything will be O.K., -and we will pay the funeral expenses. - -If it could be so arranged that the poet and the bright Alfarita -bug-eater and the bilious wild-eyed bard of the backwoods could be shut -up in a corral for six weeks together, with nothing to eat but each -other, it would be a big thing for humanity. We said once that we -wouldn't dictate to this administration, but let it flicker along alone. -We just throw out the above as a suggestion, however, hoping that it -will not be ignored. - - - - -SOME VAGUE THOUGHTS. - -|SPRING, gentle, touchful, tuneful, breezeful, soothful spring is here. -It has not been here more than twenty minutes, and my arctics stand -where I can reach them in case it should change its mind. - -The bobolink sits on the basswood vines, and the thrush in the -gooseberry tree is as melodious as a hired man. The robin is building -his nest--or rather her nest, I should say, perhaps--in the boughs -of the old willow that was last year busted by thunder--I beg your -pardon--by lightning, I should say. The speckled calf dines teat-a-teat -with his mother, and strawberries are like a baldheaded man's brow--they -come high, but we can't get along without them. - -I never was more tickled to meet gentle spring than I am now. It -stirs up my drug-soaked remains, and warms the genial current of life -considerably. I frolicked around in the grass this afternoon and filled -my pockets full of 1000-legged worms, and other little mementoes of -the season. The little hare-foot boy now comes forth and walks with -a cautious tread at first, like a blind horse; but toward the golden -autumn the backs of his feet will look like a warty toad, and there will -be big cracks in them, and one toe will be wrapped up in part of a bed -quilt, and he will show it with pride to crowded houses. - -Last night I lay awake for several hours thinking about Mr. Sherrod and -how long we had been separated, and I was wondering how many weary days -would have to elapse before we would again look into each other's eyes -and hold each other by the hand, when the loud and violent concussion of -a revolver shot near West Main street and Cascade avenue rent the sable -robe of night. I rose and lit the gas to see if I had been hit. Then -I examined my pockets to see if I had been robbed of my led pencil and -season pass. I found that I had not. - -This morning I learned that a young doctor, who had been watching his -own house from a distance during the evening, had discovered that, -taking advantage of the husband's absence, a blonde dry goods clerk had -called to see the crooked but lonely wife. The doctor waited until -the young man had been in the house long enough to get pretty well -acquainted, and then he went in himself to see that the youth was making -himself perfectly comfortable. - -There was a wild dash toward the window, made by a blonde man with his -pantaloons in his hand, the spatter of a bullet in the wall over the -young man's head and then all was still for a moment save the low sob -of a woman with her head covered up by the bed clothes. Then the two men -clinched and the doctor injected the barrel of a thirty-two self-cocker -up the bridge of the young man's nose, knocked him under the wash stand, -yanked him out by the hem of his garment and jarred him into the coal -bucket, kicked him up on a corner bracket and then swept the quivering -ruins into the street with a stub-broom. He then lit the chandelier and -told his sobbing wife that she wasn't just the temperament for him and -he was afraid that their paths might diverge. He didn't care much -for company and society while she seemed to yearn for such things -constantly. He came right out and admitted that he was of a nervous -temperament and quick tempered. He loved her, but he had such an -irritable, fiery disposition that he guessed he would have to excuse -her; so he escorted her out to the gate and told her where the best -hotel was, came in, drove out the cat, blew out the light and retired. - -Some men seem almost like brutes in their treatment of their wives. They -come home at some eccentric hour of the night, and because they have -to sleep on the lounge, they get mad and try to shoot holes in the -lambrequins, and look at their wives in a harsh, rude tone of voice. I -tell you it's tough. - - - - -THE YOUMORIST. - -|You are an youmorist, are you not?" queried a long-billed pelican -addressing a thoughtful, mental athlete, on the Milwaukee & St. Paul -road the other day. - -"Yes, sir," said the sorrowful man, brushing away a tear. "I am an -youmorist. I am not very much so, but still I can see that I am drifting -that way. And yet I was once joyous and happy as you are. Only a few -years ago, before I was exposed to this malady, I was as blithe as a -speckled yearling, and recked not of aught--nor anything else, either. -Now my whole life is blasted. I do not dare to eat pie or preserves, -and no one tells funny stories when I am near. They regard me as a -professional, and when I get in sight the 'scrub nine' close up and wait -for me to entertain the crowd and waddle around the ring." - -"What do you mean by that?" murmured the purple-nosed interrogation -point. - -"Mean? Why, I mean that whether I'm drawing a salary or not, I'm -expected to be the 'life of the party.' I don't want to be the life of -the party. I want to let some one else be the life of the party. I want -to get up the reputation of being as cross as a bear with a sore head. -I want people to watch their children for fear I'll swallow them. I want -to take my low-cut-evening-dress smile and put it in the bureau drawer, -and tell the world I've got a cancer in my stomach, and the heaves and -hypochondria, and a malignant case of leprosy." - -"Do you mean to say that you do not feel facetious all the time, and -that you get weary of being an youmorist?" - -"Yes, hungry interlocutor. Yes, low-browed student, yes. I am not always -tickled. Did you ever have a large, angry, and abnormally protuberent -boil somewhere on your person where it seemed to be in the way? Did you -ever have such a boil as a traveling companion, and then get introduced -to people as an youmorist? You have not? Well, then, you do not know all -there is of suffering in this sorrow-streaked world. When wealthy people -die why don't they endow a cast-iron castle with a draw-bridge to it and -call it the youmorists' retreat? Why don't they do some good with their -money instead of fooling it away on those who are comparatively happy?" - -"But how did you come to git to be an youmorist?" - -"Well, I don't know. I blame my parents some. They might have prevented -it if they'd taken it in time, but they didn't. They let it run on till -it got established, and now its no use to go to the Hot Springs or to -the mountains, or have an operation performed. You let a man get the -name of being an youmorist and he doesn't dare to register at the -hotels, and he has to travel anonymously, and mark his clothes with his -wife's name, or the public will lynch him if he doesn't say something -youmorous. - -"Where is your boy to-night?" continued the gloomy humorist. "Do you -know where he is? Is he at home under your watchful eye, or is he away -somewhere nailing the handles on his first little joke? Parent, beware. -Teach your boy to beware. Watch him night and day, or all at once, -when he is beyond your jurisdiction, he will grow pale. He will have a -far-away look in his eye, and the bright, rosy lad will have become the -flatchested, joyless youmorist. - -"It's hard to speak unkindly of our parents, but mingled with my own -remorse I shall always murmur to myself, and ask over and over, why did -not my parents rescue me while they could? Why did they allow my -chubby little feet to waddle down to the dangerous ground on which the -sad-eyed youmorist must forever stand? - -"Partner, do not forget what I have said to-day. 'Whether your child -be a son or daughter, it matters not. Discourage the first sign of -approaching humor. It is easier to bust the backbone of the first -little, tender jokelet that sticks its head through the virgin soil, -than it is to allow the slimy folds of your son's youmorous lecture to -be wrapped about you, and to bring your gray hairs with sorrow to the -grave." - - - - -MY CABINET. - -|I HAVE made a small collection of wild, western things during the past -seven years, and have put them together, hoping some day, when I get -feeble, to travel with the aggregation and erect a large monument of -kopecks for my executors, administrators and assigns forever. - -Beginning with the skull of old Hi-lo-Jack-and-the-game, a Sioux -brave, the collection takes in my wonderful bird, known as the -Walk-up-the-creek, and another _vara avis_, with carnivorous bill and -web feet, which has astonished everyone except the taxidermist and -myself. An old grizzly bear hunter--who has plowed corn all his life and -don't know a coyote from a Maverick steer--looked at it last fall and -pronounced it a "kingfisher," said he had killed one like it a year ago. -Then I knew that he was a pilgrim and a stranger, and that he had bought -his buckskin coat and bead-trimmed moccasins at Niagara Falls, for the -bird is constructed of an eagle's head, a canvas back duck's bust and -feet, with the balance sage hen and baled hay. - -Last fall I desired to add to my rare collection a large hornet's nest. -I had an embalmed tarantula and her porcelain-lined nest, and I desired -to add to these the gray and airy home of the hornet. I procured one of -the large size after cold weather and hung it in my cabinet by a string. -I forgot about it until this spring. When warm weather came, something -reminded me of it. I think it was a hornet. He jogged my memory in some -way and called my attention to it. Memory is not located where I -thought it was. It seemed as though whenever he touched me he awakened a -memory--a warm memory with a red place all around it. - -Then some more hornets came and began to rake up old personalities. -I remember that one of them lit on my upper lip. He thought it was a -rosebud. When he went away it looked like a gladiola bulb. I wrapped a -wet sheet around it to take out the warmth and reduce the swelling so -that I could go through the folding doors and tell my wife about it. - -Hornets lit ah over me and walked around on my person. I did not dare -to scrape them off because they are so sensitive. You have to be very -guarded in your conduct toward a hornet. - -I remember once while I was watching the busy little hornet gathering -honey and June bugs from the bosom of a rose, years ago, I stirred him -up with a club, more as a practical joke than anything else, and he came -and lit in my sunny hair--that was when I wore my own hair and he walked -around through my gleaming tresses quite awhile, making tracks as large -as a watermelon all over my head. If he hadn't run out of tracks my head -would have looked like a load of summer squashes. I remember I had to -thump my head against the smoke-house in order to smash him, and I had -to comb him out with a fine comb, and wear a waste-paper basket two -weeks for a hat. - -Much has been said of the hornet, but he has an odd, quaint way after -all, that is forever new. - - - - -HEALTH FOOD. - -|WHILE trying to reconstruct a telescoped spine and put some new copper -rivets in the lumbar vertebrae, this spring, I have had occasion to -thoroughly investigate the subject of so-called health food, such as -gruels, beef tea inundations, toasts, oat meal mush, bran mash, soups, -condition powders, graham gem, ground feed, pepsin, laudable mush, and -other hen feed usually poked into the invalid who is too weak to defend -himself. - -Of course it stands to reason that the reluctant and fluttering spirit -may not be won back to earth, and joy once more beam in the leaden eye -unless due care be taken relative to the food by means of which nature -may be made to assert herself. - -I do not care to say to the world through the columns of the Free Press, -that we may woo from eternity the trembling life with pie. Welsh rabbit -and other wild game will not do at first. But I think I am speaking the -sentiments of a large and emaciated constituency when I say, that there -is getting to be a strong feeling against oat meal submerged in milk and -in favor of strawberry short cake. - -I almost ate myself into an early grave in April by flying into the face -of Providence and demoralizing old Gastric with oat meal. I ate oat meal -two weeks, and at the end of that time my friends were telegraphed for, -but before it was too late, I threw off the shackles that bound me. With -a desperation born of a terrible apprehension, I rose and shook off -the fatal oat meal habit and began to eat beefsteak. At first life hung -trembling in the balance and there was no change in the quotations of -beef, but later on there was a slight, delicate bloom on the wan cheek, -and range cattle that had barely escaped a long, severe winter on the -plains, began to apprehend a new danger and to seek the secluded canyons -of the inaccessible mountains. - -I often thought while I was eating health food and waiting for death, -how the doctor and other invited guests at the post mortem would start -back in amazement to find the remnants of an eminent man filled with -bran! - -Through all the painful hours of the long, long night and the eventless -day, while the mad throng rushed onward like a great river toward -eternity's ocean, this thought was uppermost in my mind. I tried to get -the physician to promise that he would not expose me, and show the -world what a hollow mockery I had been, and how I had deceived my best -friends. I told him the whole truth, and asked him to spare my family -the humiliation of knowing that though I might have led a blameless -life, my sunny exterior was only a thin covering for bran and shorts and -middlings, cracked wheat and pearl barley. - -I dreamed last night of being in a large city where the streets were -paved with dry toast, and the buildings were roofed with toast, and the -soil was bran and oat meal, and the water was beef tea and gruel. All at -once it came over me that I had solved the great mystery of death, and -had been consigned to a place of eternal punishment. The thought was -horrible! A million eternities in a city built of dry toast and oat -meal! A home for never-ending cycles of ages, where the principal hotel -and the post-office building and the opera house were all built of -toast, and the fire department squirted gruel at the devouring element -forever! - -It was only a dream, but it has made me more thoughtful, and people -notice that I am not so giddy as I was. - -A NEW POET. - -|A NEW and dazzling literary star has risen above the horizon, and is -just about to shoot athwart the starry vault of poesy. How wisely are -all things ordered, and how promptly does the new star begin to beam, -upon the decline of the old. - -Hardly had the sweet singer of Michigan commenced to wane and to -flicker, when, rising above the western hills, the glad light of the -rising star is seen, and adown the canyons and gulches of the Rocky -mountains comes the melodious cadences of the poet of the Greeley Eye. - -Couched in the rough terms of the west; robed in the untutored language -of the Michael Angelo slang of the miner and the cowboy, the poet at -first twitters a little on a bough far up the canyon, gradually waking -the echoes, until the song is taken up and handed back by every rock and -crag along the rugged ramparts of the mighty mountain barrier. - -Listen to the opening stanza of "The Dying Cowboy and the Preacher:" - -``So, old gospel shark, they tell me I must die; - -``That the wheels of life's wagon have rolled into their last rut, - -``Well, I will "pass in my checks" without a whimper or a cry, - -``And die as I have lived--"a hard nut."= - -This is no time-worn simile, no hackneyed illustration or bald-headed -decrepit comparison, but a new, fresh illustration that appeals to the -western character, and lifts the very soul out of the kinks, as it were. - -"Wheels of life's wagon have rolled into their last rut." - -Ah! how true to nature and yet how grand. How broad and sweeping. How -melodious and yet how real. Hone but the true poet would have thought to -compare the close of life to the sudden and unfortunate chuck of the off -hind wheel of a lumber wagon into a rut. - -In fancy we can see it all. We hear the low, sad kerplunk of the wheel, -the loud burst of earnest, logical profanity, and then all is still. - -How and then the swish of a mule's tail through the air, or the sigh of -the rawhide as it shimmers and hurtles through the silent air, and then -a calm falls upon the scene. Anon, the driver bangs the mule that is -ostensibly pulling his daylights out, but who is, in fact, humping up -like an angle worm, without pulling a pound. - -Then the poet comes to the close of the cowboy's career in this style: - -```"Do I repent?" No--of nothing present or past; - -```So skip, old preach, on gospel pap I won't be fed; - -```My breath comes hard; I--am going--but--I--am game to - -`````the--last. - -```And reckless of the future, as the present, the cowboy was - -`````dead.= - -If we could write poetry like that, do you think we would plod along -the dreary pathway of the journalist? Do you suppose that if we had the -heaven-born gift of song to such a degree that we could take hold of the -hearts of millions and warble two or three little ditties like that, -or write an effigy before breakfast, or construct an ionic, anapestic -twitter like the foregoing, that we would carry in our own coal, and -trim our own lamps, and wear a shirt two weeks at a time? - -No, sir, he would hie us away to Europe or Salt Lake, and let our hair -grow long, and we would write some obituary truck that would make people -disgusted with life, and they would sigh for death that they might leave -their insurance and their obituaries to their survivors. - -A WORD IN SELF-DEFENSE. - -|IT might be well in closing to say a word in defense of myself. - -The varied and uniformly erroneous notions expressed recently as to my -plans for the future, naturally call for some kind of an expression on -this point over my own signature. In the first place, it devolves upon -me to regain my health in full if it takes fourteen years. I shall not, -therefore, "publish a book," - -"prepare an youmorous lecture," - -"visit -Florida," - -"probate the estate of Lydia E. Pinkham, deceased," nor -make any other grand break till I have once more the old vigor and -elasticity, and gurgling laugh of other days. - -In the meantime, let it be remembered that my home is in Laramie City, -and that unless the common council pass an ordinance against it, I shall -return in July if I can make the trip between snow storms, and evade the -peculiarities of a tardy and reluctant spring. Bill Nye. - - - - -PINES FOE HIS OLD HOME - -|TOM FAGAN, of this city, has a wild horse that don't seem to take -to the rush and hurry and turmoil of a metropolis. He has been so -accustomed to the glad, free air of the plains and mountains that the -hampered and false life of a throbbing city, with its myriad industries, -makes him nervous and unhappy. He sighs for the boundless prairie and -the pure breath of the lifegiving mountain atmosphere. So taciturn is -he in fact, and so cursed by homesickness and weariness of an artificial -and unnatural horse society here in Laramie, that he refuses to eat -anything and is gradually pining away. Sometimes he takes a light lunch -out of Mr. Fagan's arm, but for days and days he utterly loathes food. -He also loathes those who try to go into the stable and fondle him. -He isn't apparently very much on the fondle. He don't yearn for human -society, but seems to want to be by himself and think it over. - -The wild horse in stories soon learns to love his master and stay by him -and carry him through flood or fire, and generally knows more than the -Cyclopedia Brittanica; but this horse is not the historical horse that -they put into wild Arabian falsehoods. He is just a plain, unassuming -wild horse of Wyoming descent, whose pedigree is slightly clouded, and -who is sensitive on the question of his ancestry. All he wants is just -to be let alone, and most everybody has decided that he is right. They -came do that conclusion after they had soaked their persons in arnica -and glued themselves together with poultices. - -[Illustration: 0089] - -Perhaps, after a while, he will conclude to eat hay and grow up with -the country, but now he sighs for his native bunch-grass and the buffalo -wallow wherein he has heretofore made his lair. We don't wonder much, -though, that a horse who has lived in the country should be a little -rattled here when he finds the electric light, and bicycles, and lawn -mowers, and Uncle Tom's Cabin troupes, and baled hay at $20 per ton. It -makes him as wild and skittish as it does an eighteen-year-old girl the -first time she comes into town, and for the first time is met by the -blare of trumpets, and the oriental wealth of the circus with its -deformed camels and uniformed tramps driving its miles of cages with -no animals in them. The great natural world and the giddy maelstrom -of seething, perspiring humanity, peculiar to the city world, are two -separate and distinct existences. - - - - -ONE TOUCH OF NATURE. - -|UP in Polk county, Wisconsin, not long ago, a man who had lost eight -children by diphtheria, while the ninth hovered between life and death -with the same disease, went to the-health officer of the town and asked -aid to prevent the spread of the terrible scourge. The health officer -was cool and collected. He did not get excited over the anguish of the -father whose last child was at that moment hovering upon the outskirts -of immortality. He calmly investigated the matter, and never for a -moment lost sight of the fact that he was a town officer and a professed -Christian. - -"You ask aid, I understand," said he, "to prevent the spread of the -disease, and also that the town shall assist you in procuring new and -necessary clothing to replace that which you have been compelled to burn -in order to stop the further inroads of diphtheria. Am I right?" The -poor man answered affirmatively. - -"May I ask if your boys who died were Christian boys, and whether they -improved their gospel opportunities and attended the Sabbath school, or -whether they were profane and given over to Sabbath-breaking?" - -The bereft father said that his boys had never made a profession of -Christianity; that they were hardly old enough to do so, and that they -might have missed some gospel opportunities owing to the fact that they -were poor, and hadn't clothes fit to wear to Sabbath school. Possibly, -too, they had met with wicked companions, and had been taught to swear; -he could not say but they might have sworn, although he thought they -would have turned out to be good boys had they lived. - -"I am sorry that the case is so bad," said the health officer. "I am led -to believe that God has seen fit to visit you with affliction in order -to express His Divine disapproval of profanity, and I cannot help you. -It ill becomes us poor, weak worms of the dust to meddle with the just -judgments of God. Whether as an individual or as a _quasi corporation_, -it is well to allow the Almighty to work out His great plan of -salvation, and to avoid all carnal interference with the works of God." - -The old man went back to his desolated home and to the bedside of his -only living child. I met him yesterday and he told me all about it. - -"I am not a professor of religion," said he, "but I tell you, Mr. Nye, -I can't believe that this board of health has used me right. Somehow I -ain't worried about my little fellers that is gone. - -"They was little fellers, anyway, and they wasn't posted on the plan of -salvation, but they was always kind and they always minded me and their -mother. If God is using diphtheria agin perfanity this season they -didn't know it. They was too young to know about it and I was too poor -to take the papers, so I didn't know it nuther. I just thought that -Christ was partial to kids like mine, just the same as He used to be -2,000 years ago when the country was new. I admit that my little shavers -never went to Sabbath school much, and I wasn't scholar enough to throw -much light onto God's system of retribution, but I told 'em to behave -themselves, and they did, and we had a good deal of fun together--me and -the boys--and they was so bright, and square, and cute that I didn't see -how they could fall under divine wrath, and I don't believe they did. - -"I could tell you lots of smart little things that they used to do, Mr. -Nye, but they wa'n't mean and cussed. They was just frolicky and gay -sometimes because they felt good. I don't believe God had it in for 'em -bekuz they was like other boys, do you? Fer if I thought so it would -kind o' harden me and the old lady and make us sour on all creation. - -"Mind you, I don't kick because I'm left alone here in the woods, and -the sun don't seem to shine, and the birds seems a little backward about -singin' this spring, and the house is so quiet, and she is still all -the time and cries in the night when she thinks I am asleep. All that -is tough, Mr. Nye--tough as old Harry, too--but its so, and I ain't -murmurin', but when the board of health says to me that the Ruler of -the Universe is makin' a tower of Northern Wisconsin, mowin' down little -boys with sore throat because they say 'gosh,' I can't believe it. - -"I know that people who ain't familiar with the facts will shake their -heads and say that I am a child of wrath, but I can't help it, All I can -do is to go up there under the trees where them little graves is, and -think how all-fired pleasant to me them little, short lives was, and -how every one of them little fellers was welcome when he come, poor as -I was, and how I rastled with poor crops and pine stumps to buy cloze -for 'em, and didn't care a cent for style as long as they was well. -That's the kind of heretic I am, and if God is like a father that -settles it, He wouldn't wipe out my family just to establish discipline, -I don't believe. The plan of creation must be on a bigger scale than -that, it seems to me, or else it's more or less of a fizzle. - -"That board of health is better read than I am. It takes the papers and -can add up figures, and do lots of things that I can't do; but when -them fellers tell me that they represent the town of Balsam Lake and the -Kingdom of Heaven, my morbid curiosity is aroused, and I want to see the -stiffykits of election." - - - - -HOW TO PUT UP A STOVE-PIPE. - -|PUTTING up stove-pipe is easy enough, if you only go at it right. In -the morning, breakfast on some light, nutritious diet, and drink two -cups of hot coffee; after which put on a suit of old clothes--or new -ones, if you can get them on time--put on an old pair of buckskin -gloves, and, when everything is ripe for the fatal blow, go and get a -good hardware man who understands his business. If this rule be strictly -adhered to, the gorgeous eighteen-karat-stem-winding profanity of the -present day may be very largely diminished, and the world made better. - - - - -FUN OF BEING A PUBLISHER. - -|BEING a publisher is not all sunshine, joy and johnny-jump-ups, -although the gentle and tractable reader may at times think so. - -A letter was received two years ago by the publishers of this book, on -the outside of which was the request to the "P. Master of Chicago to -give to the most reliable man in Chicago and oblige." - -The P. Master thereupon gave the letter to Messrs. Belford, Clarke & -Co., who have sent it to me as a literary curiosity. I want it to go -down to posterity, so I put it in this great work. I simply change the -names, and where words are too obscure, doctor them up a little: - -Butler, Bates county, Mo., Jan. the 2, 1881. - -I have a novle fresh and pure from the pen, wich I would like to be -examined by you. I wish to bring it before the public the ensuing -summer. - -I have wrote a good deal for the press, and always with great success. I -wrote once an article on the growth of pie plant wich was copied fur and -wide. You may have heard of me through my poem on "The Cold, Damp Sea or -the Murmuring Wave and its Sad Kerplunk." - -I dashed it off one summer day for the Scabtown _Herald_. - -In it, I enter the fair field of fancy and with exquisite word-painting, -I lead the reader on and on till he forgets that breakfast is ready, -and follows the thrilling career of Algonquin and his own fair-haired -Sciataca through page after page of delirious joy and poetic rithum. - -In this novle, I have wove a woof of possibilities, criss-crossed with -pictures of my own wild, unfettered fancy, which makes it a work at once -truthful and yet sufficiently unnatural to make it egorly sot for by the -great reading world. - -The plot of the novle is this: - -Algonquin is a poor artist, who paints lovely sunsets and things, -nights, and cuts cordwood during the day, struggling to win a competence -so that he can sue for the hand of Sciataca, the wealthy daughter of a -plumber. - -She does not love him much, and treats him coldly; but he perseveres -till one of his exquisite pictures is egorly snapt up by a wealthy man -at $2. The man afterwards turns out to be Sciataca's pa. - -He says unkind things of Algonquin, and intimates that he is a better -artist in four-foot wood than he is as a sunset man. He says that -Algonquin is more of a Michael Angelo in basswood than anywhere else, -and puts a wet blanket on Sciataca's love for Algonquin. - -Then Sciataca grows colder than ever to Algonquin, and engages herself -to a wealthy journalist. - -Just as the wedding is about to take place, Algonquin finds that he is -by birth an Ohio man. Sciataca repents and marries her first love. -He secures the appointment of governor of Wyoming, and they remove to -Cheyenne. - -Then there are many little bursts of pictureskness and other things that -I would like to see in print. - -I send also a picture of myself which I would like to have in the book. -Tell the artist to tone down the freckles so that the features may be -seen by the observer, and put on a diamond pin, so that it will have the -appearance of wealth, which the author of a book generally wears. - -It is not wrote very good, but that won't make any difference when it is -in print. - -When the reading public begins to devour it, and the scads come rolling -in, you can deduct enough for to pay your expenses of printing and -pressing, and send me the balance by post-office money order. Please get -it on the market as soon as possible, as I need a Swiss muzzlin and some -other togs suitable to my position in liturary circles. Yours truly, -Luella Blinker. - - - - -LINGERIE. - -|A LADY'S underwear is politely spoken of as "lingerie," but the great -horrid man crawls into his decrepit last year's undershirt every Monday -morning, and swears because his new underclothes are so "lingerie" about -making their appearance. - - - - -FRUIT. - -|A CLASS of croakers that one meets with everywhere, have steadily -maintained that fruit cannot be raised in this Territory. In -conversation with a small boy yesterday, we learned that this is not -true. It is very simple and easy to do, even in this rigorous climate. -He showed us how it is done. He has a small and delicately constructed -harpoon with a tail to it--the apparatus attached to a long string. He -goes into the nearest market, and while the clerk is cutting out some -choice steaks for the man with the store teeth, the boy throws his -harpoon and hauls in on the string. In this way he raises all kinds of -fruit, not only for his own use, but he has some to sell. - -He showed us some that he raised. It was as good as any of the fruit -that we buy here, only that there was a little hole on one side, but -that don't hurt the fruit for immediate use. He "puts some down," but -don't can or dry any. He says that he applies his where he feels the -worst. When he feels as though a Greening or a Bellflower would help -him, he goes out and picks it. He showed us a string with a grappling -hook attached, on which he had raised a bushel of assorted fruit this -fall, and it wasn't a very good string, either. - - - - -THE BONE OF CONTENTION. - -|TWO self-accused humorists of Ohio have had a fight over the authorship -of the facetious phenomenon and laugh-jerking success, "Who ever saw -a tree box?" The bone of contention between these two gigantic minds, -evidently, is not their funny-bone. - - - - -CONGRATULATORY. - -|I CANNOT close this letter without writing my congratulations to Mr. -Raymond, of _Tribune_, upon the position of Notary Public, which he -has secured. True merit cannot long go unrewarded. I, too, am a Notary -Public. So is Patterson of the Georgetown _Miner_. And yet we were all -once poor boys, unknown and unrecognized. Patterson was the son of a -wealthy editor in Michigan, who wished "Sniktau" to be a minister of the -everlasting gospel, but "Snik." knew that he was destined to enter upon -a wider and more important field. He devoted himself to the study of -profanity in all its various branches, until now he can swear more -men, and do a bigger "so-help-me-God" business than any other -go-as-you-please affidavit man in Colorado. - -I have held my office through a part of the administration of Grant, and -all of the Hayes administration, so far, and all through the countless -political changes of the territorial administration. I state this with a -pardonable pride. It shows it was not the result of political influence -or party, but was the natural outgrowth of official rectitude and just -dealing toward all. When a man comes before me to make affidavit or to -acknowledge a deed, I recognize no party, no friend. They are all served -alike and charged alike. - -I was appointed to this high official position under the administration -of Governor Thayer. At that time C. O. D. French was secretary. I had to -lubricate the wheels of government before I could catch on, as it were. -C. O. D. French wanted $5. I sent it to him. I wrote him that when the -people seemed determined to foist upon me the high official honor of -Notary Public, the paltry sum of $5 should not stand in the way. I have -held the position ever since. Political enemies have endeavored to tear -to pieces my record, both officially and socially, but through evil and -good report, I have still held it. - -The nation to-day looks to her notaries public for her crowning glory -and successful future. In their hands rest the might and the grandeur -and the glory which, like a halo, in the years to come, will encircle -the brow of Columbia. I feel the responsibility that rests upon me, and -I tremble with the mighty weight of weal or woe for a great nation which -hangs upon my every official act. I presume Mr. Raymond feels the same -way. He ought, certainly, for the eyes of a great republic watch us with -feverish anxiety. It is an awful position to be placed in. Let those who -tread the lower walks of life envy not the brain-and-nerve-destroying -position of the notary public, whose every movement is portentous, and -great with its burden of good or ill for nations unborn. That is what -is making an old man of me before my time, and sprinkling my strawberry -blonde hair with gray. - - - - -THE AGONY IS OVER. - -|IT has occurred to us that the destruction of timber near the -Continental Divide, in Colorado, which is also called, "The Backbone of -the Continent," will naturally be a severe blow to the lumber region of -Colorado. - -We began studying on this joke last summer, and have wrestled -prayerfully with it ever since, with the above result. Do not think, -O gay, lighthearted reader, that these jokes are spontaneous, and that -mirth is pumped out of the recesses of the editor's brain as a grocer -pumps coal oil out of a tin tank. They come with fasting and sadness, -and vexation of spirit, and groanings that cannot be uttered, and -weeping and gnashing of teeth. Now that we are over this joke safely, no -doubt that we shall begin to flesh up again. - - - - -OSTRICH CAVALRY. - -|THE question of mounting the United States cavalry upon ostriches, as -a matter of economy, is being agitated on the strength of their easy -propagation in Arizona and New Mexico. There being now one hundred and -seventeen of these birds in that region, the result of the increase -from nine of them imported several years ago. However successful ostrich -farming may be in and of itself, we cannot speak too highly of the -feasibility of using the bird for cavalry purposes. It is an established -fact that the ostrich is very swift and will live for days without food, -and be verier viceable all the time. - -A detachment of ostrich cavalry could light out across the enemy's -country like the wind, and easily distance an equal force mounted upon -horses, and after several days' march, instead of a weary, worn, and -jaded-out lot of horses, there would be a flock of ostriches, hungry but -in good spirits, and the quartermasters could issue some empty bottles, -and some sardine boxes, and some government socks, and an old blue -overcoat or two, and the irons from an old ambulance, to each bird; and -at evening, while the white tents were glimmering in the twilight, -the birds would lie in a little knot chewing their cud constantly, and -snoring in a subdued way that would shake the earth for miles around. - -One great difficulty would be to keep a sufficient guard around the arms -and ammunition to prevent the cavalry from eating them up. Think of -a half dozen ostriches breaking into an inclosure while the guard -was asleep, or off duty, and devouring fifteen or twenty rounds of -ammunition in one night, or stealing into the place where the artillery -was encamped, and filling themselves up with shells and round shot, and -Greek fire and gatling guns. - - - - -AN ELECTRIC BELT. - -|A CHEYENNE man who was once mildly struck by lightning, calls it an -"electric belt." - - - - -THE ANNUAL WAIL - -|AS usual, the regular fall wail of the eastern press on the Indian -question, charging that the Indians never committed any depredations -unless grossly abused, has arrived. We are unpacking it this morning and -marking the price on it. Some of it is on manifold, and the remainder -on ordinary telegraph paper. It will be closed out very cheap. Parties -wishing to supply boarding schools with essays and compositions, cannot -do better than to apply at once. We are selling Boston lots, with large -brass-mounted words, at two and three cents per pound. Every package -draws a prize of a two-pound can of baked beans. If large orders are -received from any one person, we will set up the wail and start it to -running, free of cost. It may be attached to any newspaper in a few -minutes, and the merest child can readily understand it. It is very -simple. But it is not as simple as the tallowy poultice on the average -eastern paper, who grinds them out at $4 per week, and found. - -We also have some old wails, two or three years old--and older--that -have never been used, which we will sell very low. Old Sioux wails, -Modoc wails, etc., etc. They do not seem to meet with a ready sale in -the west, and we rather suspect it's because we are too near the scene -of the Indian troubles. Parties who have been shot at, scalped, or had -their wives and children massacred by the Indians, do not buy eastern -wails. - -Eastern wails are meant for the eastern market, and if we can get this -old stock off our hands, we will hereafter treat the Indian question in -our plain, matter of fact way. - -The namby-pamby style of Indian editorial and molasses-candy-gush that -New Englanders are now taking in, makes us tired. Life is too short. It -is but a span. Only as a tale that has been told. Just like the coming -of a guest, who gets his meal ticket punched, grabs a tooth pick, and -skins out. - -Then why do we fool away the golden years that the Creator has given us -for mental improvement and spiritual elevation, in trying to fill up the -enlightened masses with an inferior article of taffy? - -Every man who knows enough to feed himself out of a maple trough, knows, -or ought to know, that the Indian is treacherous, dishonest, diabolical -and devilish in the extreme, and that he is only waiting the opportunity -to spread out a little juvenile hell over the fair face of nature if -you give him one-sixteenth of a chance. He will wear pants and comb his -hair, and pray and be a class leader at the agency for fifty-nine years, -if he knows that in the summer of the sixtieth year he can murder a few -Colorado settlers and beat out the brains of the industrious farmers. - -Industry is the foe of the red man. He is a warrior. He has royal blood -in his veins, and the vermin of the Montezumas dance the German over -his filthy carcass. That's the kind of a hair pin he is. He never works. -Nobody but Chinamen and plebians ever work. - - - - -HE WAS NOT A BURGLAR. - -|THE young man who was seen climbing in a window on Center street -yesterday, was not a burglar as some might suppose, but on the contrary -he was a man whose wife had left the keys to the house lying on the -mantel, and locked them in by means of a spring lock on the front -door. He did not climb in the window because he preferred that way, but -because the door unlocked better from the inside. - - - - -BEST ON, BLESSED MEMORY. - -|ONE of the attractions of life at the Cheyenne Indian agency, is the -reserved seat ticket to the regular slaughter-house matinee. The agency -butchers kill at the rate of ten bullocks per hour while at work, and so -great was the rush to the slaughter-pens for the internal economy of -the slaughtered animals, that Major Love found it necessary to erect a -box-office and gate, where none but those holding tickets could enter -and provide themselves with these delicacies. - -This is not a sensation, it is the plain truth, and we desire to call -the attention of those who love and admire the Indian at a distance of -2,000 miles, and to the aesthetic love for the beautiful which prompts -the crooked-fanged and dusky bride of old Fly-up-the-Creek to rob the -soap-grease man and the glue factory, that she may make a Cheyenne -holiday. As a matter of fact, common decency will not permit us to enter -into a discussion of this matter. Firstly, it would not be fit for the -high order of readers who are now paying their money for _The Boomerang_; -and secondly, the Indian maiden at the present moment stands on a lofty -crag of the Rocky mountains, beautiful in her wild simplicity, wearing -the fringed garments of her tribe. To the sentimentalist she appears -outlined against the glorious sky of the new west, wearing a coronet of -eagle's feathers, and a health-corset trimmed with fantastic bead-work -and wonderful and impossible designs in savage art. - -Shall we then rush in and with ruthless hand shatter this beautiful -picture? Shall we portray her as she appears on her return from the -great slaughter-house benefit and moral aggregation of digestive -mementoes? Shall we draw a picture of her clothed in a horse-blanket, -with a necklace of the false teeth of the pale face, and her coarse -unkempt hair hanging over her smoky features and clinging to her warty, -bony neck? No, no. Far be it from us to destroy the lovely vision of -copper-colored grace and smoke-tanned beauty, which the freckled student -of the effete east has erected in the rose-hued chambers of fancy. Let -her dwell there as the plump-limbed princess of a brave people. Let her -adorn the hat-rack of his imagination--proud, beautiful, grand, gloomy -and peculiar--while as a matter of fact she is at that moment -leaving the vestibule of the slaughter-house, conveying in the soiled -lap-robe--which is her sole adornment--the mangled lungs of a Texas -steer. - -No man shall ever say that we have busted the beautiful Cigar Sign -Vision that he has erected in his memory. Let the graceful Indian queen -that has lived on in his heart ever since he studied history and saw the -graphic picture of the landing of Columbus, in which Columbus is just -unsheathing his bread knife, and the stage Indians are fleeing to the -tall brush; let her, we say, still live on. The ruthless hand that -writes nothing but everlasting truth, and the stub pencil that yanks -the cloak of the false and artificial from cold and perhaps unpalatable -fact, null spare this little imaginary Indian maiden with a back-comb -and gold garters. Let her withstand the onward march of centuries while -the true Indian maiden eats the fricasseed locust of the plains and -wears the cavalry pants of progress. We may be rough and thoughtless -many times, but we cannot come forward and ruthlessly shatter the red -goddess at whose shrine the far-away student of Black-hawk and other -fourth-reader warriors, worship. - -As we said, we decline to pull the cloak from the true Indian maiden of -to-day and show her as she is. That cloak may be all she has on, and no -gentleman will be rude even to the daughter of Old Bob-Tail-Flush, the -Cheyenne brave. - -A JUDICIAL WARBLER - -|JACOB BEESON BLAIR, who has been recently renominated as associate -justice of the Supreme Court of Wyoming, and judge of the second -judicial district, with his headquarters at this place, is one of the -most able and consistent officials that Wyoming ever had. I might go -further and say that he stands at the head of them all. A year ago, -as an evidence of his popularity, I will say that he was unanimously -nominated to represent the Territory in Congress, which nomination he -gracefully declined. He has put his spare capital into mines, and -shown that he is a resident of Wyoming, and not of the classic halls of -Washington, or the sea-beat shores of "Maryland, my Maryland." - -Two years ago I had the pleasure of making a trip to the mines on -Douglas creek, or, as it was then called, Last Chance, in company with -Judge Blair and Delegate Downey, owners of the Keystone gold mine in -that district. The party also included Governor Hoyt, Assayer Murphy, -Postmaster Hayford, and several other prominent men. Judge Brown and -Sheriff Boswell were also in the party at the mine. Judge Blair is, -by natural choice, a Methodist, and renewed our spiritual strength -throughout the trip in a way that was indeed pleasant and profitable. -The Judge sings in a soft, subdued kind of a way that makes the walls of -the firmament crack, and the heavens roll together like a scroll. When -he sings--= - -```How tedious and tasteless the hours - -````When Jesus no longer I see,= - -the coyotes and jack-rabbits within a radius of seventy-five miles, hunt -their respective holes, and remain there till the danger has passed. - -Looking at the Judge as he sits on the bench singeing the road agent for -ten years in solitary confinement, one would not think he could warble -so when he gets into the mountains. But he can. He is a regular prima -donna, so to speak. - -When he starts to sing, the sound is like an Æolian harp, sighing -through the pine forests and dying away upon the silent air. Gradually -it swells into the wild melody of the hotel gong. - -A FIRE AT A BALL. - -|DOWN at Gunnison last week a large, select ball was given in a hall, -one end of which was partitioned off for sleeping rooms. A young man -who slept in one of these rooms, and who felt grieved because he had not -been invited, and had to roll around and suffer while the glad throng -tripped the light bombastic toe, at last discovered a knot-hole in -the partition through which he could watch the giddy multitude. While -peeping through the knot-hole, he discovered that one of the dancers, -who had an aperture in the heel of his shoe and another in his sock to -correspond, was standing by the wall with the ventilated foot near the -knot-hole. It was but the work of a moment to hold a candle against this -exposed heel until the thick epidermis had been heated red hot. Then -there was a wail that rent the battlements above and drowned the blasts -of the music. There was a wild scared cry of "fire": a frightened -throng rushing hither and thither, and then, where mirth and music and -rum had gladdened the eye and reddened the cheek a moment ago, all was -still save the low convulsive titter of a scantily clad man, as he lay -on the floor of his donjon tower and dug his nails in the floor. - -A LITTLE PUFF. - -|SOME time ago the Cheyenne _Sun_ noticed that Judge Crosby, known to -Colorado and Wyoming people quite well, was making strenuous efforts, -with some show of success, to obtain the appointment of Associate -Justice of the Supreme Court of Wyoming. Since that, I have noticed with -great sorrow that the President, in his youthful thoughtlessness and -juvenile independence, has appointed another man for the position. - -I speak of this because so many Colorado and Wyoming people knew Mr. -Crosby and had an interest in him, as I might say. Some of us only knew -him fifty cents worth, while others knew him for various amounts up to -$5 and $10. He was an earnest, unflagging and industrious borrower. When -times were dull he used to borrow of me. Then I would throw up my hands -and let him go through me. It was not a hazardous act at all on my part. - -The Judge knew everybody, and everybody knew him, and seemed nervous -when they saw him, for fear that the regular assessment was about to be -made. Every few days he wanted "to buy a pair of socks," but he never -bought them. Forty or fifty of us got together and compared notes the -other day. We ascertained that not less than $100 had been contributed -to the Crosby Sock Fund during his stay here, and yet the old man wore -the same socks to Washington that he had worn in the San Juan country. -A like amount was also contributed to the Wash Bill Fund, and still -he never had any washing done. We often wondered why so much money was -squandered on laundry expenses, and yet, that he should have the general -perspective and spicy fragrance of a Mormon emigrant train. He used to -come into my office and be sociable with me because he was a journalist. -It surprised me at first to meet a journalist who never changed his -shirt. I thought that journalists, as a rule, wore diamond studs and -had to be looked at through smoked glass. - -He liked me. He told me so one day when we were alone, and after I had -promised to tell no one. Then he asked me for a quarter. I told him I -had nothing less than a fifty-cent piece. He said he would go and get it -changed. I said it would be a shame for an old man, and lame at that, to -go out and get it changed; so I said I would go. I went out and played -thirteen of my eternal revolving games of billiards, and about dusk -went back to the office whistling a merry roundelay, knowing that he had -starved out and gone away. I found him at my desk, where he had written -to every Senator and Representative in Congress, and every man who had -ever been a Senator or Representative in Congress; likewise every man, -woman and child who ever expected to be a Senator or a Representative -in Congress; also, to every superintendent and passenger agent of every -known line of railway, for a pass to every known point of the civilized -world, and this correspondence he had used my letter heads, and -envelopes and stamps, and he wasn't done either. He was just getting -animated and warming up to his work, and perspiring so that I had -to open the hall door and burn some old gum overshoes and other -disinfectants before I could breathe. - -A large society is being formed here and in Cheyenne, called the "Crosby -Sufferer Aid Association." It is for the purpose of furnishing speedy -relief to the sufferers from the Crosby outbreak. We desire the -cooperation and assistance of Colorado philanthropists, and will, so -far as possible, furnish relief to Colorado sufferers from the great -scourge. - -Later.--Henry Rothschild Crosby, Esq., passed through here a few -evenings since, on his way to Evanston, Wyoming, where he takes charge -of his office as receiver of public moneys for the western land office. - -Henry seems to feel as though I had not stood by him through his -political struggle at Washington. At least I learn from other parties -that he does not seem to hunger and thirst after my genial society, and -thinks that what little influence I may have had, has not been used in -his interest. - -That is where Henry hit the nail on the head, with that far-sighted -statesmanship and clear, unerring logic for which he is so remarkable. - -I do not blame those who were instrumental in securing his appointment, -remember. Not at all. No doubt I would have done the same thing if I -had been in Washington all winter, and Henry had hovered around me -for breakfast, and for lunch, and for dinner, and for supper, and -for between meals, and for picnics, and had borrowed my money, and my -overcoat, and my meal ticket, and my bath ticket, and my pool checks, -and my socks, and my _robs de nuit_, and my tooth brush, and my gas and -writing materials and stationery; but it should be born in mind that I -am a resident of Wyoming. I have property here and it behooves me to do -and say what I can for the interests of our people. I may have to borrow -some things myself some day and I don't want to find, then, that they -have all been borrowed. - -Let Hank stand back a little while and give the other boys a chance. - -[Note.--In order to give the gentle reader an idea of Mr. Crosby's -personal appearance, I have consented to draw a picture of him myself. -It isn't very pretty, but it is horribly accurate. It is so life-like, -that it seems as though I could almost detect his maroon-colored -breath.--B. N] - -[Illustration: 0122] - - - - -GENIUS AND WHISKY. - -|I SEE in a recent issue of the _Sun_ a short article clipped from a -Sidney paper, relative to William Henry Harrison, which brings to my -mind fresh recollections of the long ago. I knew William too. I knew him -for a small amount which I wish I had now, to give to suffering Ireland. -He came upon me in the prime of summer time and said he was a newspaper -man. That always gets me. When a man says to me that he is a newspaper -man, and proves it by showing the usual discouraging state of resources -and liabilities, I always come forward with the collateral. - -William wanted to go into the mountains and recover his exhausted -nerve-force, and build up his brain-power with our dry, bracing air. He -knew Mr. Foley, who was then working a claim in Last Chance, so he went -out there to tone up his exhausted energies. He went out there, and -after a few weeks a note came in from the man with the historical -cognomen, asking me to send him a gallon of best Old Crow. I went to -my guide book and encyclopoedia and ascertained that this was a kind of -drink. I then purchased the amount and sent it on. - -Mr. Foley said that William stayed by the jug till it was dry, and -then he came into town. I met him on the street and asked him how his -intellect seemed after his picnic in the mountains. He said she was all -right now, and he felt just as though he could do the entire staff work -on the New York _Herald_ for two weeks and not sweat a hair. But he -didn't pay for the Old Crow. It slipped his mind. When time hung heavy -on my hands, I used to write William a note and cheerfully dun him for -the amount. I would also ask him how his intellect seemed by this time, -and also make other little jocular remarks. But he has never forwarded -the amount. If the bill had been for pantaloons, or grub, or other -luxuries, I might have excused him, but when I loan a man money for a -staple like whisky. I don't think it's asking too much to hope that in -the flight of time it would be paid back. However, I can't help it now. -It's about time that another bogus journalist should put in an -appearance. I have a few dollars ahead, and I am yearning to lay out the -sum on struggling genius. - - - - -THE TWO-HEADED GIRL - -|THE cultivated two-headed girl has visited the west. It is very rare -that a town the size of Laramie experiences the rare treat of witnessing -anything so enjoyable. In addition to the mental feast which such a -thing affords, one goes away feeling better--feeling that life has more -in it to live for, and is not after all such a vale of tears as he had -at times believed it. - -Through the trials and disappointments of this earthly pilgrimage, -the soul is at times cast down and discouraged. Man struggles against -ill-fortune and unlooked-for woes, year after year, until he becomes -misanthropical and soured, but when a two-headed girl comes along and -he sees her it cheers him up. She speaks to his better nature in two -different languages at one and the same time, and at one price. - -When I went to the show I felt gloomy and apprehensive. The eighteenth -ballot had been taken and the bulletins seemed to have a tiresome -sameness. The future of the republic was not encouraging. I felt as -though, if I could get first cost for the blasted thing, I would sell -it. - -I had also been breaking in a pair of new boots that day, and spectators -had been betting wildly on the boots, while I had no backers at three -o'clock in the afternoon, and had nearly decided to withdraw on the last -ballot. I went to the entertainment feeling as though I should criticise -it severely. - -The two-headed girl is not beautiful. Neither one of her, in fact, is -handsome. There is quite a similarity between the two, probably because -they have been in each other's society a great deal and have adopted the -same ways. - -She is an Ethiopian by descent and natural choice, being about the same -complexion as Frank Miller's oil blacking, price ten cents. - -She was at one time a poor slave, but by her winning ways and genuine -integrity and genius, she has won her way to the hearts of the American -people. She has thoroughly demonstrated the fact that two heads are -better than one. - -A good sized audience welcomed this popular favorite. When she came -forward to the footlights and made her two-ply bow she was greeted by -round after round of applause from the _elite_ of the city. - -I felt pleased and gratified. The fact that a recent course of -scientific lectures here was attended by from fifteen to thirty people, -and the present brilliant success of the two-headed girl proved to me, -beyond a doubt, that we live in an age of thought and philosophical -progress. - -Science may be all right in its place, but does it make the world -better? Does it make a permanent improvement on the minds and thoughts -of the listener? Do we go away from such a lecture feeling that we have -made a grand stride toward a glad emancipation from the mental thraldom -of ignorance and superstition? Do people want to be assailed, year after -year, with a nebular theory, and the Professor Huxley theory of natural -selections and things of that nature? - -No! 1,000 times no! - -They need to be led on quietly by an appeal to their better natures. -They need to witness a first-class bureau of monstrosities, such as men -with heads as big as a band wagon, women with two heads, Cardiff giants, -men with limbs bristling out all over them like the velvety bloom on a -prickly pear. - -When I get a little leisure, and can attend to it, - -I am going to organize a grand constellation of living wonders of this -kind, and make thirteen or fourteen hundred farewell tours with it, not -so much to make money, but to meet a long-felt, want of the American -people for something which will give a higher mental tone to the tastes -of those who never lag in their tireless march toward perfection. - - - - -THE CULTIVATION OF GUM. - -|AN idea has occurred to us, that, situated as we are at a considerable -elevation, and being comparatively out of the line of tropical growth, -we should try to propagate plants that will withstand the severe winter -and the sudden and sometimes fatal surprise of spring. Plants in -this locality worry along very well through the winter in a kind of -semi-unconscious state, but when spring drops down on them about the -Fourth of July they are not prepared for it, and they yield to the -severe nervous shock and pass with a gentle gliding motion up the flume. - -This has suggested to our mind the practicability of cultivating the -chewing-gum plant. We advance this thought with some timidity, knowing -that our enemies will use all these novel and untried ideas against us -in a presidential campaign; but the good of the country is what we are -after and we do not want to be misunderstood. - -Chewing-gum is rapidly advancing in price, and the demand is far beyond -the supply. The call for gum is co-extensive with the onward move of -education. They may be said to go hand in hand. Wherever institutions -of learning are found, there you will see the tall, graceful form of the -chewing-gum tree rising toward heaven with its branches extending toward -all humanity. - -Here, in Wyoming, we could easily propagate this plant. It is hardy and -don't seem to care whether winter lingers in the lap of spring or not. -We have the figures, also, to substantiate this article. We will figure -on the basis of twenty boxes of gum to the plant--and this is a very low -estimate, indeed--then the plants may easily be three feet apart. This -would be 3,097,600 plants to the acre, or 61,952,000 boxes, containing -100 chews in each box, or 6,195,200,000 chews to the acre. We have a -million acres that could be used in this way, which would yield in a -good year 6,195,200,000,000,000 chews at one cent each. - -The reader will see at a glance that this is no wild romantic notion -on our part, but a terrible reality. Wyoming could easily supply the -present demand and wag the jaws of nations yet unborn. It makes us tired -to think of it. - -Of course, anything like this will meet with strong opposition on the -part of those who have no faith in enterprises, but let a joint stock -company be formed with sufficient capital to purchase the tools and -gum seed, and we will be responsible for the result. Very likely -the ordinary spruce gum (made of lard and resin) would be best as an -experiment, after which the prize-package gum plant could be tried. - -These experiments could be followed up with a trial of the gum drop, gum -overshoe, gum arabic and other varieties of gum. Doctor Hayford would be -a good man to take hold of this. Col. Donnellan says, however, that he -don't think it is practical. No use of enlarging on this subject--it -will never be tried. Probably the town is full of people who are -willing to chew the gum, but wouldn't raise a hand toward starting a -gum orchard. We are sick and tired of pointing out different avenues to -wealth only to be laughed at and ridiculed. - - - - -WE HAVE REASONED IT OUT. - -|A HOME magazine comes to us this week, in which we find the following, -connected with a society article. After alluding to the young men of -the nineteenth century, and their peculiarities, it continues: "In -fact, many of the more fashionable strains are all black, except the -distinctive white feet and snout, so noticeable at this epoch in our -history." - -This, it would seem, will make a radical change in the prevailing young -man. With white feet and white snout, the masher must also be black -aside from those features. This will add the charm of extreme novelty to -our social gatherings, and furnish sufficient excuse for a man like us, -with blonde rind and strawberry blonde feet, staying at home, with the -ban of society and a loose smoking jacket on him. - -Farther on, this peculiar essay says: "He is noted for his wonderfully -fine blood, the bone is fine, the hair thin, the carcass long but broad, -straight and deep-sided, with smooth skin, susceptible to no mange or -other skin diseases." - -We almost busted our capacity trying to figure out this startler in the -fashion line, and wore ourself down to a mere geometrical line in our -endeavor to fathom this thing when, yesterday, in reading an article -in the same paper entitled, "The Berkshire Hog," we discovered that the -sentences above referred to had evidently been omitted by the foreman, -and put in the society article. It is unnecessary to state that a -blessed calm has settled down in the heart of this end of _The Boomerang_. -Time, at last, makes all things size up in proper shape. Blessed be the -time which matures the human mind and the promissory note. - - - - -CARVING SCHOOLS. - -|THEY are agitating the matter of instituting carving schools in the -east, so that the rising generation will be able to pass down through -the corridors of time without its lap full of dressing and its bosom -laden with gravy and remorse. The students at this school will wear -barbed-wire masks while practicing. These masks will be similar to those -worn by German students, who slice each other up while obtaining an -education. - - - - -DIGNITY. - -|COLONEL INGERSOLL said, at Omaha the other day, that he hated a -dignified man and that he never knew one who had a particle of sense; -that such men never learned, and were constantly forgetting something. - -Josh Billings says that gravity is no more the sign of mental strength -than a paper collar is the evidence of a shirt. - -This leads us to say that the man who ranks as a dignified snoozer, and -banks on winning wealth and a deathless name through this one source of -strength, is in the most unenviable position of any one we know. Dignity -does not draw. It answers in place of intellectual tone for twenty -minutes, but after awhile it fails to get there. Dignity works all right -in a wooden Indian or a drum major, but the man who desires to draw a -salary through life and to be sure of a visible means of support, will -do well to make some other provision than a haughty look and the air -of patronage. Colonel Ingersoll may be wrong in the matter of future -punishment, but his head is pretty level on the dignity question. -Dignity works all right with a man who is worth a million dollars and -has some doubts about his suspenders; but the man who is to get a large -sum of money before he dies, and get married and accomplish some good, -must place himself before his fellow men in the attitude of one who has -ideas that are not too lonely and isolated. - -Let us therefore aim higher than simply to appear cold and austere. Let -us study to aid in the advancement of humanity and the increase of baled -information. Let us struggle to advance and improve the world, even -though in doing so we may get into ungraceful positions and at times -look otherwise than pretty. Thus shall we get over the ground, and -though we may do it in the eccentric style of the camel, we will get -there, as we said before, and we will have camped and eaten our supper -while the graceful and dignified pedestrian lingers along the trail. - -Works, not good clothes and dignity, are the grand hailing sign, and he -who halts and refuses to jump over an obstacle because he may not do -it so as to appear as graceful as a gazelle, will not arrive until the -festivities are over. - -A SNORT OF AGONY. - -|OUR attention has been called to a remark made by the New York -_Tribune_, which would intimate that the journal referred to didn't -like Acting-Postmaster F. Hatton, and characterizing the editor of The -Boomerang as a "journalistic pal" of General Hatton's. We certainly -regret that circumstances have made it necessary for us to rebuke the -_Tribune_ and speak, harshly to it. Frank Hatton may be a journalistic -pal of ours. Perhaps so. We would be glad to class him as a journalistic -pal of ours, even though he may not have married rich. We think just as -much of General Hatton as though he had married wealthy. We can't all -marry rich and travel over the country, and edit our papers vicariously. -That is something that can only happen to the blessed few. - -It would be nice for us to go to Europe and have our _pro tem._ editor -at home working for $20 per week, and telegraphing us every few minutes -to know whether he should support Cornell or Folger. The pleasure of -being an editor is greatly enhanced by such privileges, and we often -feel that if we could get away from the hot, close office of The -Boomerang, and roam around over Scandahoovia and the Bosphorus, and -mould the policy of _The Boomerang_ by telegraph, and wear a cork helmet -and tight pants, we would be far happier. Still it may be that Whitelaw -Reid is no happier with his high priced wife and his own record of -crime, than we are in our simplicity here in the wild and rugged west, -as we write little epics for our one-horse paper, and borrow tobacco of -the foreman. - -It is not all of life to live, nor all of death to die. We should live -for a purpose, Mr. Reid, not aimlessly like a blind Indian, 200 miles -from the reservation at Christmas-tide. - -Now, Mr. Reid, if you will just tell Mr. Nicholson, when you get back -home, that in referring to us as a journalistic pal of Frank Hatton he -has exceeded his authority, we will feel grateful to you--and so will -Mr. Hatton. If you don't do it, we shall be called upon to stop the -_Tribune_, and subscribe for _Harper's Weekly_. This we should dislike -to do very much, because we have taken the _Tribune_ for years. We used -to take it when the editor stayed at home and wrote for it. Our -father used to take the _Tribune_, too. He is the editor of the Omaha -_Republican_, and needs a good New York paper, but he has quit taking -the _Tribune_. He said he must withdraw his patronage from a paper that -is edited by a tourist. All the Nyes will now stop taking the _Tribune_, -and all subscribe for some other dreary paper. We don't know just -whether it will be _Harper's Weekly_, or the _Shroud_. - -Later.--Mr. Reid went through here on Tuesday, and told us that he -might have been wrong in referring to us as a journalistic pal of Frank -Hatton, and in fact did not know that the _Tribune_ had said so. He -simply told Nicholson to kind of generally go for the administration, -and turn over a great man every morning with his scathing pen, and -probably Nicholson had kind of run out of great men, and tackled the -North American Indian fighter of _The Boomerang_. Mr. Reid also said, as -he rubbed some camphor ice on his nose, and borrowed a dollar from his -wife to buy his supper here, that when he got back to New York, he was -going to write some pieces for the _Tribune_ himself. He was afraid he -couldn't trust Nicholson, and the paper had now got where it needed an -editor right by it all the time. He said also that he couldn't afford -to be wakened up forty times a night to write telegrams to New York, -telling the _Tribune_ who to indorse for governor. It was a nuisance, he -said, to stand at the center of a way station telegraph office, in his -sun-flower night shirt, and write telegrams to Nicholson, telling him -who to sass the next morning. Once, he said, he telegraphed him to -dismember a journalistic pal of Frank Hatton's, and the operator made a -mistake. So the next morning the _Tribune_ had a regular old ring-tail -peeler of an editorial, which planted one of Mr. Reid's special friends -in an early grave. So we may know from this that moulding the course of -a great paper by means of red messages, is fraught with some unpleasant -features. - -[Illustration: 0137] - - - - -ALWAYS BOOM AT THE TOP. - -|YOUNG man, do not stand lounging on the threshold of the glorious -future, while the coming years are big with possibilities, but take off -your coat and spit on your hands and win the wealth which the world will -yield you. You may not be able to write a beautiful poem, and die of -starvation; but you can go to work humbly as a porter and buy a whisk -broom, and wear people's clothes out with it, and in five years you can -go to Europe in your own special car. As the strawberry said to the box, -"there is always room at the top." - - - - -INACCURATE. - -|ONCE more has Laramie been, slandered and traduced. Once more our free -and peculiar style has been spoken lightly of and our pride trailed in -the dust. - -Last week the _Police Gazette_, an illustrated family journal of great -merit, appeared with a half page steel engraving, executed by one of the -old masters, representing two Laramie girls on horseback yanking a fly -drummer along the street at a gallop, because he tried to make a mash on -them and they did not yearn for his love. - -There are two or three little errors in the illustration, to which we -desire to call the attention of the eastern reader of Michael Angelo -masterpieces that appear in the Police Gazette. First, the saloon or -hurdy-gurdy shown in the left foreground is not the exact representation -of any building in Laramie, and the dobe pig pens and A tents of which -the town seems to be composed, are not true to nature. - -Again, the streets do not look like the streets of Laramie. They look -more like the public thoroughfares of Tie City or Jerusalem. Then the -girls do not look like Laramie girls, and we are acquainted with all the -girls in town, and consider ourself a judge of those matters. The girls -in this illustration look too much as though they had mingled a great -deal with the people of the world. They do not have that shy, frightened -and pure look that they ought to have. They appear to be that kind of -girls that one finds in the crowded metropolis under the gas light, -yearning to get acquainted with some one. - -There are several features of the illustration which we detect as -erroneous, and among the rest we might mention, casually, that the -incident illustrated never occurred here at all. Aside from these little -irregularities above named, the picture is no doubt a correct one. We -realize fully that times get dull even in New York sometimes, and it is -necessary, occasionally, to draw on the imagination, but the _Gazette_ -artist ought to pick up some hard town like Cheyenne, and let us alone -awhile. - - - - -THE WESTERN "CHAP." - -|FEW know how voraciously we go for anything in the fashion line. Many -of our exchanges are fashion magazines, and nothing is read with such -avidity as these highly pictorial aggregations of literature. If -there are going to be any changes in the male wardrobe this winter, it -behooves us to know what they are. We intend to do so. It is our high -prerogative and glorious privilege to live in a land of information. -If we do not provide ourself with a few, it is our own fault. Man has -spanned the ocean with an electric cable, and runs his street cars -with another cable that puts people out of their misery as quick as -a giant-powder caramel in a man's chest-protector, under certain -circumstances. Science has done almost everything for us, except to -pay our debts without leaning toward repudiation. We are making rapid -strides in the line of progression. That is, the scientists are. Every -little while you can hear a scientist burst a basting thread off his -overalls, while making a stride. - -It is equally true that we are marching rapidly along in the line of -fashion. Change, unceasing change, is the war cry, and he who undertakes -to go through the winter with the stage costumes of the previous winter, -will find, as Voltaire once said, that it is a cold day. - -We look with great concern upon the rapid changes which a few weeks have -made. The full voluptuous swell and broad cincha of the chaparajo have -given place to the tight pantaletts with feathers on them, conveying -the idea that they cannot be removed until death, or an earthquake shall -occur.. - -"Chaps," as they are vulgarly called, deserve more than a passing -notice. They are made of leather with fronts of dog-skin with the hair -on. The inside breadths are of calf or sheep-skin, made plain, -but trimmed down the side seam with buckskin bugles and oil-tanned -bric-a-brac of the time of Michael Angelo Kelley. On the front are plain -pockets used for holding the ball programme and the "pop." The pop is a -little design in nickel and steel, which is often used as an inhaler. -It clears out the head, and leaves the nasal passages and phrenological -chart out on the sidewalk, where pure air is abundant. "Chaps" are -rather attractive while the wearer is on horseback, or walking toward -you, but when he chasses and "all waltz to places," you discern that -the seat of the garment has been postponed _sine die_. This, at first, -induces a pang in the breast of the beholder. Later, however, you become -accustomed to the barren and perhaps even stern demeanor of the wearer. -You gradually gain control of yourself and master your raging desire -to rush up and pin the garment together. The dance goes on. The _elite_ -take an adult's dose of ice-cream and other refreshments; the leader of -the mad waltz glides down the hall with his mediæval "chaps," swishing -along as he sails; the violin gives a last shriek; the superior fiddle -rips the robe of night wide open, with a parting bzzzzt; the mad frolic -is over, and $5 have gone into the dim and unfrequented freight depot of -the frog-pond-environed past. - - - - -AN INCIDENT OF THE CAMPAIGN. - -|COLONEL THOMAS JUNIUS DAYTON entered the democratic headquarters -on Second street, a few nights ago, having been largely engaged, -previously, in talking over the political situation, with sugar in it. -The first person he saw on entering, was an individual in the back part -of the room, writing. - -Colonel Dayton ordered him out. - -The man would not go, maintaining that he had a right to meet together -in democratic headquarters as often as he desired. The Colonel still -insisted that he was an outsider and could have nothing in common -with the patriotic band of bourbons whose stamping ground he had thus -entered. - -Finally the excitement became so great that a man was called in to -umpire the game and sponge off the hostiles, but before blood was shed a -peacemaker asked Colonel Dayton what the matter was with him. - -"This man is a Democrat. I've known him for years. What's the reason you -don't want him in here?" - -"That's all right," said the Colonel, with his eyes starting from their -sockets with indignation, "you people can be easily fooled. I cannot. I -know him to be a spy in our camp. I have smelled his breath and find he -is not up in the Ohio degree. I have also discovered him to be able to -read and write. He cannot answer a single democratic test. He is a -bogus bourbon, and my sentiments are that he should be gently but firmly -fired. If the band will play something in D that is kind of tremulous, I -will take off my coat and throw the gentleman over into a vacant lot. -I think I know a Democrat when I see him. Perhaps you do not. He cannot -respond to a single grand hailing sign. He hasn't the cancelled internal -revenue stamp on his nose, and his breath lacks that spicy election odor -which we know so well. Away with him! Fling his palpitating remains over -the drawbridge and walk on him. Spread him out on the ramparts and jam -him into the culverin. Those are my sentiments. We want no electroplate -Democrats here. This is the stronghold of the highly aesthetic and -excessively _bon-ton_, Andrew Jackson peeler, and if justice cannot be -done to this usurper by the party, I shall have to go out and get an -infirm hoe handle and administer about $9 worth of rebuke myself." - -He went out after the hoe handle, and while absent, the stranger said he -didn't want to be the cause of any ill feeling, or to stand in the way -of the prosperity of his party, so he would not remain. He put on his -hat and stole out into the night, a quiet martyr to the blind rage of -Colonel Dayton, and has not since been seen. - - - - -WHY DO THEY DO IT? - -|BEN HILL, died, after suffering intolerable anguish from a tobacco -cancer, caused by excessive smoking. The consumers of the western-made -cigar are now and then getting a nice little dose of leprosy from the -Chinese constructed cigars of San Francisco, and yet people go right on -inviting the most horrible diseases known to science, by smoking, and -smoking to excess. Why do they do it? It is one of those deep, dark -mysteries that nothing but death can unravel. We cannot fathom it, -that's certain. (Give us a light, please.) - - - - -TWO STYLES. - -|ONE of the peculiarities of correspondence is witnessed at this office -every day, to which we desire to call the attention of our growing girls -and boys, who ought to know that there is a long way and a short way of -saying things on paper; a right way and a wrong way to express thoughts -on a postal card, just as there is in conversation. We all admire the -business man who is terse and to the point, and we dislike the man -who hangs on to the door knob as though life was a never-ending summer -dream, and refuses to say good-bye. It's so with correspondence. In -touching upon the letters received at this office, we refer to a car -load received at this office during the past year, relating to sample -copies. Still they are a good specimen of the different styles of doing -the same thing. - -For instance, here is a line which tells the story in brief, without -wearing out your eyes and days by ponderous phrases and useless -verbiage. "Useless verbiage and frothy surplusage" is a synonym which -we discovered in '75, while excavating for the purpose of laying the -foundations of our imposing residence up the gulch. Persons using the -same will please fork over ten per cent of the gross receipts: - -_"Bangor, Maine, 11-10-82._ - -_"Find 10c for which send sample copy Boomerang to above address. Yours, -etc.,_ - -_"Thomas Billings."_ - -Some would have said "please" find inclosed ten cents. That is not -absolutely necessary. If you put ten cents in the letter that covers all -seeming lack of politeness and it's all right. If, however, you are out -of a job, and have nothing else to do but to write for sample copies -of papers, and wait for the department at Washington to allow you a -pension, you might say, "Please find inclosed," etc., otherwise the ten -cents will make it all right. - -Here's another style, which evinces a peculiarity we do not admire. It -bespeaks the man who thinks that life and its associations are given us -in order to wear out the time, waiting patiently meanwhile for Gabriel -to render his little overture. - -It occurs to us that life is real, life is earnest, and so forth. We -cannot sit here in the gathering gloom and read four pages of a letter, -which only expresses what ought to have been expressed in four lines. -We feel that we are here to do the greatest good to the greatest-number, -and we dislike the correspondent who hangs on to the literary door knob, -so to speak, and absorbs our time, which is worth $5.35 per hour. - -Here we go-- - -"New Centreville, Wis., Nov. 8, 1882. - -"Mr. William Nye, esq., Laramie City, Wyoming: - -"Dear Sir:--I have often saw in our home papers little pieces cut out of -your paper The Larmy Boomerang, yet I have never saw the paper itself. -I hardly pick up a paper, from the Fireside. Friend to the Christian at -Work, that I do not see something or a nother from your faseshus pen and -credited to _The Boomerang_. I have asked our bookstore for a copy of the -paper, and he said go to grass, there wasn't no such perioddickle in -existence. He is a liar; but I did not tell him so because I am just -recovering from a case of that kind now, which swelled both eyes shet -and placed me under the doctor's care. - -"It was the result of a campaign lie, and at this moment I do not -remember whether it was the other man or me which told it. Things got -confused and I am not clear on the matter now. - -"I send ten cents in postage stamps, hoping you will favor me with -a speciment copy of _The Boomerang_ and I may suscribe. I send postage -stamps because they are more convenient to me, and I suppose that you -can use them all right as you must have a good deal of writing to do. I -intend to read the paper thorrow and give my folks the benefit also. I -love to read humerrus pieces to my children and my wife and hear their -gurgly laugh well up like a bobollink's. I now take an estern paper -which is gloomy in its tendencies, and I call it the Morg. It looks at -the dark side of life and costs $3 a year and postage. - -"So send the speciment if you please and I will probbly suscribe for The -Boomerang, as I have saw a good many extrax from it in our papers here -and I have not as yet saw your paper." - - - - -GOSHALLHEMLOCK SALVE. - -|THE bullwacking, mule-skinning proprieter of a life-giving salve wants -us to advertise for him, and to state that, with his Goshallhemlock -salve he "can cure all chronicle diseases whatever." - -"We would do it if we could, sweet being; but owing to the fullness of -the paper and the foreman, we must turn you cruelly away. - -"Yours truly, - -"James Letson." - - - - -THE STAGE BALD-HEAD. - -|MOST everyone, who was not born blind, knows that the stage bald-head -is a delusion and a snare. The only all-wool, yard-wide bald-head we -remember on the American stage, is that of Dunstan Kirke as worn by the -veteran Couldock. - -Effie Ellsler wears her own hair and so does Couldock, but Couldock -wears his the most. It is the most worn anyhow. - -What we started out to say, is, that the stage bald-head and the average -stage whiskers make us weary with life. The stage bald-head is generally -made of the internal economy of a cow, dried so that it shines, and -cut to fit the head as tightly as a potatoe sack would naturally fit a -billiard cue. It is generally about four shades whiter than the red -face of the wearer, or _vice versa_. We do not know which is the worst -violation of eternal fitness, the red-faced man who wears a deathly -white bald-head, or the pale young actor who wears a florid roof on his -intellect. Sometimes in starring through the country and playing ten -or fifteen hundred engagements, a bald-head gets soiled. We notice that -when a show gets to Laramie the chances are that the bald-head of the -leading old man is so soiled that he really needs a sheep-dip shampoo. -Another feature of this accessory of the stage is its singular failure -to fit. It is either a little short at both ends, or it hangs over the -skull in large festoons, and wens and warts, in such a way as to make -the audience believe that the wearer has dropsy of the brain. - -You can never get a stage bald-head near enough like nature to fool the -average house-fly. A fly knows in two moments whether it is the genuine, -or only a base imitation, and the bald-head of the theatre fills him -with nausea and disgust. Nature, at all times hard to imitate, preserves -her bald head as she does her sunny skies and deep blue seas, far beyond -the reach of the weak, fallible, human imitator. Baldness is like fame, -it cannot be purchased. It must be acquired. Some men may be born bald, -some may acquire baldness, and others may have baldness thrust upon -them, but they generally acquire it. - -"The stage beard is also rather dizzy, as a rule. It looks as much like -a beard that grew there, as a cow's tail would if tied to the bronze dog -on the front porch. When you tie a heavy black beard on a young actor, -whose whole soul would be churned up if he smoked a full-fledged cigar, -he looks about as savage as a bowl of mush and milk struck with a club." - - - - -FATHERLY WORDS. - -|N. W. P., writes:--"I am a young man twenty-five years old. I am in -love with a young lady of seventeen. Her mind being very different -from mine, I have not told her of my love, nor asked to call on her. I -thought her so giddy that she did not want any steady company. She is -a great lover of amusement. She is a perfect lady in her deportment, -although she is more like a child of fourteen than a young lady of -seventeen. I think she is very pretty, but she seems to enjoy flirting -to the greatest extent. One evening at a party I asked her to promenade -with me, and she would not do it. I then asked her to allow me to bring -her refreshments, which she would not do. I then asked her to let me -take her home when she was ready to go, and the answer was, 'No, I will -not do any such thing,' and turning round she left me. I have met her -several times since. She always bows to me. Everywhere she meets me -she recognizes me pleasantly. How, did I do wrong in asking her those -privileges at the party, I having no introduction to her? I am still in -love with her." - -After she had refused to promenade with you, and had declined to permit -you to bring her refreshments, it was pressing matters rather too far -for you to ask her to allow you to accompany her home "whenever she was -ready to go." Still, as she treats you kindly whenever you meet, it is -evident that you did not offend her very deeply. Perhaps she sees that -you love her, and does not wish to discourage you. - -You were, no doubt, a little previous in trying to get acquainted with -the young lady. She may be giddy, but she has just about sized you up -in shape, and no doubt, if you keep on trying to love her without her -knowledge or consent, she will hit you with something, and put a Swiss -sunset over your eye. Do not yearn to win her affections all at once. -Give her twenty or thirty years in which to see your merits. You will -have more to entitle you to her respect by that time, no doubt. During -that time you may rise to be president and win a deathless name. - -The main thing you have to look out for now, however, is to restrain -yourself from marrying people who do not want to marry you. That style -of freshness will, in thirty or forty years, wear away. If it does not, -probably the vigorous big brother of some young lady of seventeen, will -consign you to the silent tomb. Do not try to promenade with a young -lady unless she gives her consent. Do not marry anyone against her -wishes. Give the girl a chance. She will appreciate it, and even though -she may not marry you, she will permit you to sit on the fence and -watch her when she goes to marry some one else. Do not be despondent. -Be courageous, and some day, perhaps, you will get there. At present the -horizon is a little bit foggy. - -As you say, she may be so giddy that she doesn't want steady company. -There is a glimmer of hope in that. She may be waiting till she gets -over the agony and annoyance of teething before she looks seriously into -the matters of matrimony. If that should turn out to be the case we are -not surprised. Give her a chance to grow up, and in the meantime, go and -learn the organ grinder's profession and fix yourself so that you can -provide for a family. Sometimes a girl only seventeen years old is able -to discern that a young intellectual giant like you is not going to make -a dazzling success of life as a husband. Brace up and try to forget your -sorrow, N. W. P., and you may be happy yet. - - - - -THE GOOD TIME COMING. - -|ANGORA cloth is a Parisian novelty. Shaggy woolen goods are all the -rage, and this Angora cloth is a perfect type of shaggy materials. It is -a soft, downy article, like the fur of an Angora cat. Very showy -toilets are of Angora cloth, trimmed with velvet applique work to form -passementerie. - -Angora cloth may be fashionable, but the odor of the Angora goat is -losing favor. A herd of these goats crossed the Sierra Nevadas during -the autumn, and as soon as they got over the range, we knew it at -Laramie just as well as we knew of the earthquake shock on the 7th -instant. - -The Angora goat is very quiet in other respects; but as a fragrant -shrub, he certainly demands attention. A little band of Angora goats has -been quartered in Laramie City lately, and though they have been well -behaved, they have made them have opened the casement to let in the -glorious air of heaven. In letting in the glorious air of heaven, we -have in several instances let in a good deal of the mohair industry and -some seductive fragrance. - -There is a glowing prospect that within the next year a bone fertilizer -mill, a soap emporium and a glue factory will have been started here; -and now, with the Angora goat looming up in the distance with his -molasses-candy horns, his erect, but tremulous and undecided tail -piercing the atmosphere, and the seductive odor peculiar to this fowl, -we feel that life in Wyoming will not, after all, be a hollow mockery. -Heretofore we have been compelled to worry along with polygamy and the -odor of the alkali flat; but times are changing now, and we will one day -have all the wonderful and complicated smells of Chicago at our door. -Then will the desert indeed blossom as the rose, and the mountain lion -and "Billy the Kid" will lie down together. - - - - -MANIA FOR MARKING CLOTHES. - -|THE most quiet, unobtrusive man I ever knew," said Buck Bramel to a -Boomekang man, "was a young fellow who went into North Park in an early -day from the Salmon river. He was also reserved and taciturn among the -miners, and never made any suggestions if he could avoid it. He was also -the most thoughtful man about other people's comfort I ever knew. - -"I went into the cabin one day where he was lying on the bed, and told -him I had decided to go into Laramie for a couple of weeks to do some -trading. I put my valise down on the floor and was going out, when he -asked me if my clothes were marked. I told him that I never marked my -clothes. If the washerwoman wanted to mix up my wardrobe with that of a -female seminary, I would have to stand it, I supposed. - -"He thought I ought to mark my clothes before I went away, and said he -would attend to it for me. So he took down his revolver and put three -shots through the valise. - -[Illustration: 0161] - -"After that a coolness sprang up between us, and the warm friendship -that had existed so long was more or less busted. After that he marked -a man's clothes over in Leadville in the same way, only the man had them -on at the time. He seemed to have a mania on that subject, and as they -had no insanity experts at Leadville in those days, they thought the -most economical way to examine his brain would be to hang him, and then -send the brain to New York in a baking powder can. - -"So they hung him one night to the bough of a sighing mountain pine. - -"The autopsy was, of course, crude; but they sawed open his head and -scooped out the brain with a long handled spoon and sent it on to -New York. By some mistake or other it got mixed up with some sample -specimens of ore from 'The Brindle Tom Cat' discovery, and was sent to -the assayer in New York instead of the insanity smelter and refiner, as -was intended. - -"The result was that the assayer wrote a very touching and grieved -letter to the boys, saying that he was an old man anyway, and he wished -they would consider his gray hairs and not try to palm off their old -groceries on him. He might have made errors in his assays, perhaps--all -men were more or less liable to mistakes--but he flattered himself that -he could still distinguish between a piece of blossom rock and a can -of decomposed lobster salad, even if it was in a baking-powder can. He -hoped they would not try to be facetious at his expense any more, but -use him as they would like to be treated themselves when they got old -and began to totter down toward the silent tomb. - -"This is why we never knew to a dead moral certainty, whether he was O. -K. in the upper story, or not." - - - - -REGARDING THE NOSE. - -|THE annals of surgery contain many cases where the nose has been cut -or torn off, and being replaced has grown fast again, recovering its -jeopardized functions. One of the earliest, 1680, is related by the -surgeon (Fioraventi) who happened to be near by when a man's nose, -having been cut off, had fallen in the sand. He remarks that he took it -up, washed it, replaced it, and that it grew together. - -Still, this is a little bit hazardous, and in warm weather the nose -might refuse to catch on. It would be mortifying in the extreme to have -the nose drop off in a dish of ice-cream at a large banquet. Not only -would it be disagreeable to the owner of the nose, but to those who sat -near him. - -He adds the address of the owner of the repaired nose, and requests -any doubter to go and examine for himself. Régnault, in the _Gazette -Salutaire_, 1714, tells of a patient whose nose was bitten off by a -smuggler. The owner of the nose wrapped it in a bit of cloth and sought -Régnault, who, "although the part was cold, reset it, and it became -attached." - -This is another instance where, by being sufficiently previous, the -nose was secured and handed down to future generations. Yet, as we said -before, it is a little bit risky, and a nose of that character cannot -be relied upon at all times. After a nose has once seceded it cannot be -expected to still adhere to the old constitution with such loyalty as -prior to that change. - -Although these cases call for more credulity than most of us have to -spare, yet later cases, published in trustworthy journals, would seem -to corroborate this. In the _Clinical Annals_ and _Medical Gazette_, of -Heidelberg, 1830, there are sixteen similar cases cited by the surgeon -(Dr. Hofacker) who was appointed by the senate to attend the duels of -the students. - -It seems that during these duels it is not uncommon for a student to -slice off the nose of his adversary, and lay it on the table until the -duel is over. After that the surgeon puts it on with mucilage and it -never misses a meal, but keeps right on growing. - -The wax nose is attractive, but in a warm room it is apt to get excited -and wander down into the mustache, or it may stray away under the -collar, and when the proprietor goes to wipe this feature he does not -wipe anything but space. A gold nose that opens on one side and is -engraved, with hunter case and key wind, is attractive, especially on -a bright day. The coin-silver nose is very well in its way, but rather -commonplace unless designed to match the tea service and the knives and -forks. In that case, good taste is repaid by admiration and pleasure on -the part of the guest. - -The _papier-maché_ nose is durable and less liable to become cold and -disagreeable. It is also lighter and not liable to season crack. - -False noses are made of _papier-maché_, leather, gold, silver and wax. -These last are fitted to spectacles or springs, and are difficult to -distinguish from a true nose. - -Tycho Brahe lost his nose in a duel and wore a golden one, which he -attached to his face with cement, which he always carried about. - -This was a good scheme, as it found him always prepared for accidents. -He could, at any moment, repair to a dressing room, or even slide into -an alley where he could avoid the prying gaze of the vulgar world, and -glue his nose on. Of course he ran the risk of getting it on crooked and -a little out of line with his other features, but this would naturally -only attract attention and fix the minds of those with whom he might -be called upon to converse. A man with his nose glued on wrong side up, -could hold the attention of an audience for hours, when any other man -would seem tedious and uninteresting. - - - - -SOMETHING TOO MUCH OF THIS. - -|THE Pawnee Republican, of the 13th, innocently and impertinently, -remarks: "Fred Nye, father of Bill Aye, the humorist, is the editor -of the Omaha _Republican, vice_Datus Brooks, gone to Europe."--_Omaha -Herald._ - -Will the press of the country please provide us with a few more parents? -Old Jim Nye and several other valuable fathers of ours having already -clomb the golden elevator, we now feel like a comparative orphan. The -time was when we could hold a reunion of our parents and have a pretty -big time, but it's a mighty lonely thing to stand on the shores of time -and see your parents whittled down to three or four young men no bigger -than Fred Aye, of the _Republican_. - - - - -COLOR BLINDNESS. - -|THE _Paper World_ says there's no use talking, the newspaper men of the -press are to-day becoming more and more "color blind." In other words, -they have lost that subtle flavor of description for which the public -yearns. They have missed that wonderful spice and aroma of narration -which is the life of all newspaper work. - -We do not take this to ourself at all, but we desire before we say one -word, to make a few remarks. _The Boomerang_ has been charged with erring -on the other side and coloring things a little too high. Sir Garnet -Wolseley, in a private letter to us during the late Egyptian assault -and battery, stated that if we erred at all it was on the highly colored -side. - -There is an excuse for lack of spice and all that sort of thing in the -newspaper world. The men who write for our dailies, as a rule, have to -write about two miles per day, and they ought not to be kicked if it is -not as interesting as "Uncle Tom's Cabin," or "Leaves o' Grass." - -We have done some 900 miles of writing ourself during our short, sharp -and decisive career, and we know what we are talking about. Those things -we wrote at a time when we were spreading our graceful characters over -ten acres of paper per day, were not thrilling. They did not catch the -public eye, but were just naturally consigned to oblivion's bottomless -maw. - -Read that last sentence twice; it will do you no harm. - -The public, it seems to us, has created a false standard of merit for -the newspaper. People take a big daily and pay $10 per year for it -because it is the biggest paper in the world, and then don't read a -quarter of it. They are doing a smart thing, no doubt, but it is killing -the feverish young men with throbbing brains, who are doing the work. -Would you consider that a large pair of shoes or a large wife should be -sought for just because you can get more material for the same price? -Not much, Mary Ann! - -Excellence is what we seek, not bulk. Write better things and less of -them, and you will do better, and the public will be pleased to see the -change. - -Should anyone who reads these words be suffering from an insatiable -hunger for a paper that aims at elegance of diction, high-toned logic -and pink cambric sentiment, at a moderate price, he will do well to -call at this office and look over our goods. Samples sent free on -application, to any part of the United States or Europe. We refer to -Herbert Spencer, the Laramie National Bank, and the postmaster of this -city, as to our reputation for truth and veracity. - -A LITTLE PREVIOUS. - -|SPEAKING of elections and returns, brings back to our memory the -time when it was pretty close in a certain congressional district in -Wisconsin, where W. T. Price is now putting up a job on the Democrats. - -In those days returns didn't come in by telegraph, but on horseback and -on foot, and it was annoying to wait for figures by which to determine -the result. At Hudson the politicians had made a pretty close estimate, -but were waiting, one evening after election, at a saloon on Buckeye -street, for something definite from Eau Claire county. The session was -very dull, and to cheer up the little Spartan hand some one suggested -that old Judge Wetherby ought to "set 'em up." Judge Wetherby was a -staunch old Democrat and had rigidly treated himself for twenty years, -and just as rigidly refused to treat anybody else. The result was that -he had secured a vigorous bloom on his own nose, but had never put the -glass to his neighbor's lips. He intimated on this occasion, however, -that if he could get encouraging news from Eau Claire for the Democrats, -he would turn loose. The party waited until midnight, and had just -decided to go home, when a travel-worn horseman rode up to the door. He -was very reticent, and as he was a stranger, no one seemed to want -to open up a conversation with him, till at last Judge Wetherby, who -couldn't keep the great question of politics out of his mind, asked him -what part of the country he had come from. "Just got in from Eau Claire -county," was the reply. - -"How did Eau Claire county go?" was the Judge's next question. "O, -I don't pay no attention to politics, but they told me it went 453 -majority for the Democrats." - -Thereupon the judge threw his hat in the air and for the first and last -time in his life, treated the entire crowd of Republicans and Democrats -alike. It was very late when he went home, also very late when he got -down town the next day. - -When he did come down he was surprised to find a Republican brass band -out, and the news all over the city that the Republican candidate had -been elected by several hundred majority. In the afternoon he learned -that Hod Taylor, now clergyman to Marseilles, had hired a tramp to ride -into the Buckeye saloon the previous evening and report as stated, in -order to bring about a good state of feeling on the Judge's part. Judge -Wetherby, since that time, is regarded as the most skeptical Democrat in -that congressional district, and even if he were to be assured over and -over again that his party was victorious, he would still doubt. It is -such things as these that go a long way toward encouraging a feeling of -distrust between the parties, and causes politicians to be looked upon -with great mistrust.. - -Although Mr. Taylor is now in France attending to the affairs of his -government, and trying to become familiar with the French language, he -often pauses in his work as the memory of this little incident comes -over his mind, and a hot tear falls on the report he is making out to -send on to the Secretary of State at Washington. Can it be that his hard -heart is at last touched with remorse? - - - - -IS DUELING MURDER? - -|SOMEBODY wants to know whether dueling is murder, and we reply in -clarion tones that it depends largely on how fatal it is. Dueling with -monogram note paper, at a distance of 1,200 yards, is not murder. - - - - -HEAP GONE. - -|ANOTHER land-mark of Laramie has gone. Another wreck has been strewn -upon the sands of time. Another gay bark has gone to pieces upon the -cruel rocks, and above the broken spars and jib-boom, and foretop -gallant royal mainbrace, and spanker-boom euchre deck, the cold, damp -tide is moaning. - -We refer to L. W. Shroeder, who recently left this place incog., also in -debt, largely, to various people of this gay and festive metropolis. - -Laramie has been the home, at various times, of some of the most -classical dead-beats of modern times; but Shroeder was the noblest, the -most grand and colossal of dead-beats that has ever visited our shores. -Born with unusual abilities in this direction, he early learned how to -enlarge and improve upon the talents thus bestowed upon him, and here -in Laramie, he soon won a place at the front as a man who purchased -everything and paid for nothing. He had a way of approaching the grocer -and the merchant that was well calculated to deceive, and he did, in -several instances, make representations, which we now learn, were false. - -He was, by profession, a carpenter and joiner, having learned the art -while cutting cordwood on the Missouri bottoms, near Omaha, for the -Collins Brothers. Here he rapidly won his way to the front rank, by -erecting some of the most commanding architectural ruins of which modern -wood assassination can boast. He would take a hatchet and a buck-saw and -carve out his fortune anywhere in the world, and it wouldn't cost him a -cent. He filled this whole trans-Missouri country with his fame, and his -promissory notes, and then skinned out and left us here to mourn. - -Good-bye, Shroeder. Wherever you go, we will remember you and hope that -you may succeed in piling up a monument of indebtedness as you did here. -You were industrious and untiring in your efforts to become a great -financial wreck, and success has crowned your efforts. We will not -grudge you the glory that coagulates about your massive brow. - - - - -THE EDITORIAL LAMP. - -|THERE is something unique about an editor's lamp that, enables most -anyone to select it from a large number of other lamps. It is _sui -generis_ and extremely original. The large metropolitan papers use gas -in the editorial rooms, and make up for the loss of the kerosene lamp -by furnishing their offices with some other article of furniture that is -equally attractive. - -_The Boomerang_ lamp, especially during the election, has had its -intensity wonderfully softened and toned down through various causes. -You can take most any other lamp and trim the wick so that it will -burn squarely and not smoke; but the editorial lamp is peculiar in this -respect. The wick gets so it will burn straight when you find that it -does not burn the oil. Then you get it filled and put in a new wick. -Experimenting with this you get your fingers perfumed with coal oil, and -spill some in your lap. Then you turn it up so you can see, and as you -get a flow of thought you look up to find that you have smutted up your -chimney, and you murmur something that you are glad no one is near to -hear. When our life-record is made up and handed down to posterity, if -a generous people will kindly overlook the remarks we have made over our -lamp, and also the little extemporaneous statements made at picnics, -we will do as much for the public and make this thing as near even as -possible. - - - - -DIFFICULT TO IDENTIFY. - -|A DEAD fisherman was taken to the San Francisco morgue the other day, -with nothing by which to identify him but his fish fine. There may be -features of difference between fish lines, but as a rule there is a -long, tame sweep of monotony about them which confuses the authorities -in tracing a man's antecedents. - - - - -THE MAROON SAUSAGE. - -|THE maroon sausage will be in favor this winter, as was the case last -season in our best circles. It will be caught up at the end and tied in -a plain knot with strings of the same. - - - - -TESTIMONIALS OF REGARD. - -|FRIDAY was a large day in the office of this paper. A delegation, -consisting of Ed. Walsh and J. J. Clarke, train dispatchers of this -division of the Union Pacific road, waited on the editor hereof with -two tokens of their esteem. One, consisting of a bird that had been -taxidermed at Wyoming station by the agent, Mr. Gulliher, the great -corn-canner of the west, aided by another man who has, up to this date, -evaded the authorities. As soon as he is captured, his name will be -given to the public. The bird is mainly constructed on the duck plan, -with web feet and spike tail. The material gave out, however, and the -artist was obliged to complete the bird by putting an eagle's head on -him. This gives the winged king of birds a low, squatty and plebian cast -of countenance, and bothers the naturalist in determining its class and -in diagnosing the case. With the piercing, keen eye of the eagle, and -the huge Roman nose peculiar to that bird, coupled with the pose of the -duck, we have a magnificent combination in the way of an ornithological -specimen. Science would be tickled to death to wrestle with this -feathered anomaly. - -The eagle looks as though he would like to soar first-rate if it were -not for circumstances over which he has no control, while the other -portions of his person would suggest that he would be glad to paddle -around an hour or two in the yielding-mud. We have placed this singular -circumstance where he can look down upon us in a reproachful way, while -we write abstruse articles upon the contiguity of the hence. - -The same committee also presented a bottle of what purported to be -ginger ale. It was wrapped up in a newspaper, and the cork was held in -place by a piece of copper wire. As we do not drink anything whatever -now, we presented it to the composing room, and told the boys to sail in -and have a grand debauch. - -Generosity is always rewarded, sooner or later. The office boy took it -into the composing room and partially opened it. Then it opened itself, -with a loud report that shook the dome of _The Boomerang_ office, and pied -a long article on yellow fever in Texas. Almost immediately after it -opened itself, it escaped into space. At least it filled the space box -of one of the cases full. - -There was only about a spoonful left in the bottle, and no one felt -as though he wanted to rob the rest, so it stands there yet. If Mr. -Gulliher could put up his goods in such shape as to avoid this high -degree of effervescence, he would succeed; but in canning corn and -bottling beer, he has so far put too much vigor into the goods, and when -you open them, they escape almost immediately. - -While we are grateful for the kind and thoughtful spirit shown, we -regret that we were unable to test the merits of the beverage without -collecting it from the sky, where it now is. - -It looks to us as though some day Mr. Gulliher, while engaged in canning -and bottling some of his gaseous goods, would be lifted over into the -middle of the holidays, and we warn him against being too reckless, or -he will certainly meander through the atmosphere sometime, and the place -that knew him once will know him no more forever. - -About two o'clock the following special was received: - -[Special to the Boomerang.] - -"[D. H. acct. charity.] - -"Wyoming, October 27. - -"Dear Bill Nye: - -"We made the run from Laramie to Wyoming in one hour. Gulliher says, do -not open that bottle; it might go off. He sent you the wrong bottle -by mistake. It is a preparation for annihilating tramps, and produces -instant dissolution. We, after careful inquiry and rigid investigation, -find that the bird is filled with dynamite, nitroglycerine, etc.--in -fact is an 'infernal machine,' and is set to go off at 3:30 this P.M." - - - - -THE CHINESE COMPOSITOR - -|THE Chinese compositor cannot sit at his case as our printers do, but -must walk from one case to another constantly, as the characters needed -cover such a large number, that they cannot be put into anything -like the space used in the English newspaper office. In setting up an -ordinary piece of manuscript, the Chinese printer will waltz up and down -the room for a few moments, and then go down stairs for a line of lower -case. Then he takes the elevator and goes up into the third story -after some caps, and then goes out into the woodshed for a handful of -astonishers. - -The successful Chinese compositor doesn't need to be so very -intelligent, but he must be a good pedestrian. He may work and walk -around over the building all day to set up a stick full, and then half -the people in this county couldn't read it, after all. - -"Clarke, Potter and Walsh." - - - - -SNOWED UNDER - -|WE have met the enemy, and we are his'n. - -We have made our remarks, and we are now ready to listen to the -gentleman from New York. We could have dug out, perhaps, and explained -about New York, but when almost every state in the Union rose up and -made certain statements yesterday, we found that the job of explaining -this matter thoroughly, would be wearisome and require a great deal of -time. - -We do not blame the Democracy for this. We are a little surprised, -however, and grieved. It will interfere with our wardrobe this winter. -With an overcoat on Wyoming, a plug hat on Iowa, a pair of pantaloons on -Pennsylvania, and boots on the general result, it looks now as though -we would probably go through the winter wrapped in a bed-quilt, and -profound meditation. - -We intended to publish an extra this morning, but the news was of such -a character, that we thought we would get along without it. What was -the use of publishing an extra with a Republican majority only in Red -Buttes. - -The cause of this great Democratic freshet in New York yesterday--but -why go into details, we all have an idea why it was so. The number of -votes would seem to indicate that there was a tendency toward Democracy -throughout the State. - -Now, in Pennsylvania, if you will look over the returns carefully--but -why should we take up your valuable time offering an explanation of a -political matter of the past. - -Under the circumstances some would go and yield to the soothing -influences of the maddening bowl, but we do not advise that. It would -only furnish temporary relief, and the recoil would be unpleasant. - -We resume our arduous duties with a feeling of extreme _ennui_, and with -that sense of surprise and astonishment that a man does who has had a -large brick block fall on him when he was not expecting it. Although -we feel a little lonely to-day--having met but a few Republicans on the -street, who were obliged to come out and do their marketing--we still -hope for the future. - -The grand old Republican party-- - -But that's what we said last week. It sounds hollow now and meaningless, -somehow, because our voice is a little hoarse, and we are snowed under -so deep that it is difficult for us to enunciate. - -Now about those bets. If the parties to whom we owe bets--and we owe -most everybody--will just agree to take the stakes, and not go into -details; not stop to ask us about the state of our mind, and talk -about how it was done, we don't care. We don't wish to have this thing -explained at all. We are not of an inquiring turn of mind. Just plain -facts are good enough for us, without any harrowing details. In the -meantime we are going to work to earn some more money to bet on the next -election. Judge Folger, and others, come over and see us when you have -time, and we will talk this matter over. Mr. B. Butler, we wish we had -your longevity. With a robust constitution, we find that most any man -can wear out cruel fate and get there at last. We do not feel so angry -as we do grieved and surprised. We are pained to see the American people -thus betray our confidence, and throw a large wardrobe into the hands of -the relentless foe. - - - - -ROUGH ON OSCAR. - -|SOMEBODY shook a log-cabin bed-quilt at Oscar Wilde, when he was in -this country, and it knocked him so crazy for two days, that a man had -to lead him around town by a bed-cord to prevent him from butting his -head against a lump of oat-meal mush, and scattering his brains all over -the Union. - - - - -THE POSTAL CARD. - -|NO one denies that the postal card is a great thing, and yet it makes -most people mad to get one This is because we naturally feel sensitive -about having our correspondence open to the eye of the postmaster and -postal clerk. Yet they do not read them. Postal employés hate a postal -card as cordially as anyone else. If they were banished and had nothing -to read but a package of postal cards, or a foreign book of statistics, -they would read the statistics. This wild hunger for postal cards on the -part of postmasters is all a myth. When the writer don't care who sees -his message, that knocks the curiosity out of those who handle those -messages. A man who would read a postal card without being compelled to -by some stringent statute, must be a little deranged. When you receive -one, you say, "Here's a message of so little importance that the writer -didn't care who saw it. I don't care much for it, myself." Then -you look it over and lay it away and forget it. Do you think that the -postmaster is going to wear out his young life in devouring literature -that the sendee don't feel proud of when he receives it? Hay, nay. - -During our official experience we have been placed where we could have -read postal cards time and again, and no one but the All-seeing Eye -would have detected it; but we have controlled ourself and closed -our eyes to the written message, refusing to take advantage of the -confidence reposed in us by our government, and those who thus trusted -us with their secrets. All over our great land every moment of the day -or night these little cards are being silently scattered, breathing -loving words inscribed with a hard lead pencil, and shedding information -upon sundered hearts, and they are as safe as though they had never been -breathed. - -They are safer, in most instances, because they cannot be read by -anybody in the whole world. - -That is why it irritates us to have some one open up a conversation by -saying, "You remember what that fellow wrote me from Cheyenne on that -postal card of the 25th, and how he rounded me up for not sending -him those goods?" Now we can't keep all those things in our head. It -requires too much of a strain to do it on the salary we receive. A man -with a very large salary and a tenacious memory might keep run of the -postal correspondence in a small office, but we cannot do it. We are not -accustomed to it, and it rattles and excites us. - -A CARD. - -|I HAVE just received a letter from my friend, Bill Nye, of The -Laramie City Boomerang, wherein he informs me that he is engaged to the -beautiful and accomplished Lydia E. Pinkham, of "Vegetable Compounds" -fame, and that the wedding will take place on next Christmas. To be -sure, I am expected at the wedding, and I'll be on hand, if I can -secure a clean shirt by that time, and the roads ain't too bad. But I'm -somewhat at a loss what to get as a suitable present, as Bill informs -me in a postscript to his letter, that gifts of bibles, albums, -nickel-plated pickle dishes, chromos with frames, and the like, will not -be in order, as it is utterly impossible to pawn articles of this kind -in Laramie City.--_The Bohemian_. - -We are sorry that the above letter, which we dashed off in a careless -moment, has been placed before the public, as later developments have -entirely changed the aspect of the matter; the engagement between -ourself and Lydia having been rudely broken by the young lady herself. -She has returned the solitaire filled ring, and henceforth we can be -nothing more to each other than friends. The promise which bade fair to -yield so much joy in the future has been ruthlessly yanked asunder, and -two young hearts must bleed through the coming years. Far be it from us -to say aught that would reflect upon the record of Miss Pinkham. - -It would only imperil her chances in the future, and deny her the sweet -satisfaction of gathering in another guileless sucker like us. The -truth, however, cannot be evaded, that Lydia is no longer young. She is -now in the sere and yellow leaf. The gurgle of girlhood, and the romping -careless grace of her childhood, are matters of ancient history alone. - -We might go on and tell how one thing brought on another, till the -quarrel occurred, and hot words and an assault and battery led to this -estrangement, but we will not do it. It would be wrong for a great, -strong man to take advantage of his strength and the public press, -to speak disparagingly of a young thing like Lyd. No matter how -unreasonably she may have treated us, we are dumb and silent on this -point. Journalists who have been invited, and have purchased costly -wedding presents, may ship the presents _by_ express, prepaid, and we -will accept them, and struggle along with our first great heart trouble, -while Lydia goes on in her mad career. - - - - -WHY WE ARE NOT GAY. - -|IT was the policy of this paper, from its inception, whatever that is, -to frown upon and discourage fraud wherever the latter has shown its -hideous front. In doing so, we have simply done our duty, and our reward -has been great, partially in the shape of money, and partially in the -shape of conscious rectitude and new subscribers. - -We shall continue this course until we are able to take a trip to -Europe, or until some large man comes into the office with a masked -battery and blows us out through the window into the mellow haze of an -eternal summer time. - -We have been waiting until the present time for about 100,000 shade -trees in this town to grow, and as they seem to be a little reluctant -about doing so, and the season being now far advanced, we feel safe in -saying that they are dead. They were purchased a year ago of a nursery -that purported to be O. K., and up to that time no one had ever breathed -a word against it. Now, however, unless those trees are replaced, we -shall be compelled to publish the name of that nursery in large, glaring -type, to the world. The trees looked a little under the weather when -they arrived, but we thought we could bring them out by nursing them. -They stood up in the spring breeze like a seed wart, however, and -refused to leave. They are still obstinate. The agent concluded to -leave, but the trees did not. We feel hurt about it, because people -come here from a distance and laugh at our hoe-handle forest. They speak -jeeringly of our wilderness of deceased elms, and sneer at our defunct -magnolias. We hate to cast a reflection on the house, but we also -dislike to be played for Chinamen when we are no such thing. - -We prefer to sit in the shade of the luxuriant telegraph pole, and -stroll at set of sun amid the umbrageous shadows of the barbed wire -fence, through which the sunlight glints and glitters to and fro. - -Nothing saddens us like death in any form, and 100,000 dead trees -scattered through the city, sticking their limbs up into the atmosphere -like a variety actress, bears down upon us with the leaden weight of an -ever-present gloom. - - - - -SCIENTIFIC. - -|THE Boomerang reporter, sent ont to find the North Pole, eighteen -months ago, has just been heard from. An exploring party recently found -portions of his remains in latitude 4-11-44, longitude sou'est by sou' -from the pole, and near the remains the following fragment of a diary: - -July 1,1881.--Have just been out searching for a sunstroke and signs of -a thaw. Saw nothing but ice floe and snow as far as the eye could reach. -Think we will have snow this evening unless the wind changes. - -July 2.--Spent the forenoon exploring to the northwest for right of way -for a new equatorial and North Pole railroad that I think would be of -immense value to commerce. The grade is easy, and the expense would be -slight. Ate my last dog to-day. Had intended him for the 4th, but got -too hungry, and ate him raw with vinegar; I wish I was at home eating -Boomerang paste. - -July 3.--We had quite a frost last night, and it looks this morning as -though the corn and small fruits must have suffered. It is now two weeks -since the last of the crew died and left me alone. Ate the leather -ends of my suspenders to-day for dinner. I did not need the suspenders, -anyway, for by tightening up my pants I find they will stay on all -right, and I don't look for any ladies to call, so that even if my pants -came off by some oversight or other, nobody would be shocked. - -July 4.--Saved up some tar roofing and a bottle of mucilage for my -Fourth of July dinner, and gorged myself to-day. The exercises were very -poorly attended and the celebration rather a failure. It is clouding up -in the west, and I'm afraid we're going to have snow. Seems to me we're -having an all-fired late spring here this year. - -July 5.--Didn't drink a drop yesterday. It was the quietest Fourth I -ever put in. I never felt so little remorse over the way I celebrated as -I do to-day. I didn't do a thing yesterday that I was ashamed of except -to eat the remainder of a box of shoe blacking for supper. To-day I ate -my last boot-heel, stewed. Looks as though we might have a hard winter. - -July 6.--Feel a little apprehension about something to eat. My credit -is all right here, but there is no competition, and prices are therefore -very high. Ice, however, is still firm. This would be a good ice-cream -country if there were any demand, but the country is so sparsely settled -that a man feels as lonesome here as a green-backer at a presidential -election. Ate a pound of cotton waste soaked in machine oil, to-day. -There is nothing left for to-morrow but ice-water and an old pocket-book -for dinner. Looks as though we might have snow. - -July 7.--This is a good, cool place to spend the summer if provisions -were more plenty. I am wearing a seal-skin undershirt with three woolen -overshirts and two bear-skin vests, to-day, and when the dew begins to -fall, I have to put on my buffalo ulster to keep off the night air. -I wish I was home. It seems pretty lonesome here since the other boys -died. I do not know what I will get for dinner to-morrow, unless the -neighbors bring in something. A big bear is coming down the hatchway, as -I write. I wish I could eat him. It would be the first square meal for -two months. It is, however, a little mixed whether I will eat him or he -eat me. It will be a cold day for me if he---------- - -Here the diary breaks off abruptly, and from the chewed up appearance of -the book, we are led to entertain a horrible fear as to his safety. - -[Illustration: 0191] - - - - -THE REVELATION RACKET IN UTAH. - -|OUR esteemed and extremely connubial contemporary, the _Deseret News_, -says in a recent editorial: - -"The Latter day Saints will rejoice to learn that the' vacancies which -have existed in the quorums of the twelve apostles and the first seven -presidents of seventies are now filled. During the conference recently -held, Elder Abram H. Cannon was unanimously chosen to be one of the -first seven presidents of seventies, and he was ordained to that office -on Monday, October 9th. Subsequently, the Lord, by revelation through -His servant, Prest. John Taylor, designated by name, Brothers George -Teasdale and Heber J. Grant, to be ordained to the apostleship, and -Brother Seymour B. Young to fill the remaining vacancy in the presidency -of the seventies. These brethren were ordained on Monday, October 16th, -the two apostles, under the hands of the first presidency and twelve, -and the other under the hands of the twelve and the presidency of the -seventies." - -Now, that's a convenient system of politics and civil service. When -there is a vacancy, the president, John Taylor, goes into his closet -and has a revelation which settles it all right. If the man appointed -vicariously by the Lord is not in every way satisfactory, he may be -discharged by the same process. Instead, therefore, of being required to -rally a large force of his friends to aid him in getting an appointment, -the aspirant arranges solely with the party who runs the revelation -business. It will be seen at a glance, therefore, that the man who can -get the job of revelating in Zion, has it pretty much his own way. We -would not care who made the laws of Utah if we could do its revelating -at so much per revelate. - -Think of the power it gives a man in a community of blind believers. -Imagine, if you please, the glorious possibilities in store for the -man who can successfully reveal the word of the Lord in an easy, -extemporaneous manner on five minutes notice. - -This prerogative does not confine itself to politics alone. The -impromptu revelator of the Jordan has revelations when he wants to evade -the payment of a bill. He gets a divine order also if he desires to -marry a beautiful maid or seal the new school ma'am to himself. He has -a leverage which he can bring to bear upon the people of his diocese at -all times, even more potent than the press, and it does not possess the -drawbacks that a newspaper does. You can run an aggressive paper if you -want to in this country, and up to the time of the funeral you have a -pretty active and enjoyable time, but after the grave has been filled up -with the clods of the valley and your widow has drawn her insurance, -you naturally ask, "What is the advantage to be gained by this fearless -style of journalism?" - -Still, even the inspired racket has its drawbacks. Last year, a little -incident occurred in a Mormon family down in southern Utah, which -weighed about nine pounds, and when the _ex officio_ husband, who had -been absent two years, returned, he acted kind of wild and surprised, -somehow, and as he went through the daily round of his work he could be -seen counting his fingers back and forth and looking at the almanac, -and adding up little amounts on the side of the barn with a piece of red -chalk. - -Finally, one of the inspired mob of that part of the vineyard thought it -was about time to get a revelation and go down there, so he did so. -He sailed up to the _de facto_ husband and _quasi_ parent and solemnly -straightened up some little irregularities as to dates, but the -revelation was received with disdain, and the revelator was sent home in -an old ore sack and buried in a peach basket. - -Sometimes there is, even in Utah, a manifestation of such irreverence -and open hostility to the church that it makes us shudder. - - - - -SAGE BRUSH TONIC. - -|WE have a scheme on hand which we believe will be even more -remunerative than the newspaper business, if successfully carried -out. It is to construct a national remedy and joy-to-the-world tonic, -composed of the carefully expressed juice of our Rocky mountain tropical -herb, known as the sage brush. Sage brush is known to possess wonderful -medicinal properties. It is bitter enough to act as a tonic and to -convey the idea of great strength. Our idea would be to have our -portrait on each bottle, to attract attention and aid in effecting a -cure. We have noticed that the homeliest men succeed best as patent -medicine inventors, and this would be right in our hand. - -The tonic could be erected at a cost of three cents per bottle, -delivered on the cars here, and after we got fairly to going we might -probably reduce even that price. At one dollar per bottle, we could -realize a living profit, and still do mankind a favor and turn loose -a boon to suffering humanity. It will make the hair grow, as everyone -knows, and it will stir up a torpid liver equally well. It just loves -to get after anything that is dormant. It might even help the Democratic -party, if it had a chance. - -Our plan would be to advertise liberally, for we know the advantages of -judicious advertising. Only last week a man on South C street had three -cows to sell, which fact he set forth in this paper at the usual rates. -Before he went to bed that evening the cows were sold and people were -filing in the front gate like a row of men at the general delivery of -the postoffice. The next morning a large mob of people was found camped -out in front of the house, and the railroad was giving excursion rates -to those who wanted to come in from the country to buy these cows that -had been sold the day before. - -We just quote this to show how advertising stirs the mighty deep and -wakes people up. We would make propositions to our brethren of the -press by which they could make some money out of the ad, too, instead of -telling them to put it in the middle of the telegraph page, surrounded -by pure reading matter, daily and weekly till forbid and pay when we get -ready. - -Publishers will find that we are not that kind of people. We shall aim -to do the square thing, and will throw in an electrotype, showing us -just discovering the sage brush, and exclaiming "Eureka," while we -prance around like a Zulu on the war path. Underneath this we will -write, "Yours for Health," or words to that effect, and everything will -be pleasant and nice. - -The Sage Brush Tonic will be made of two grades, one will be for -prohibition states and the other for states where prohibition is not in -general use. The prohibition tonic will contain, in addition to the sage -brush, a small amount of tansy and Jamaica ginger, to give it a bead and -prevent it from fermenting. A trial bottle will be sent to subscribers -of this paper, also a fitting little poem to be read at the funeral. -We will also publish death notice of those using the tonic, at one-half -rates. - - - - -LAME FROM HIS BERTH. - -|A SAD-EYED man, the other night, fell out of his bed into the aisle of -a Pullman car and skinned his knee. He now claims that he was lame from -his berth. When he passes Carbon he will be hung by request. - - - - -THE PUBLIC PRINTER. - - - - -VERY few of the great mass of humanity know who makes the beautiful -public document, with its plain, black binding and wealth of statistics. -Few stop to think that hidden away from the great work-a-day world, -with eyelids heavy and red, and with finger-nails black with antimony, -toiling on at his case hour after hour, the public printer, during -the sessions of Congress, is setting up the thrilling chapters of the -Congressional Record, and between times yanking the Washington press -backward and forward, with his suspenders hanging down, as he prints -this beautiful sea-side library of song. - -We are too prone to read that which gives us pleasure without thought -of the labor necessary to its creation. We glide gaily through the -Congressional Record, pleased with its more attractive features, viz: -its ayes and noes--little recking that Sterling P. Rounds, the public -printer, stands in the subdued gaslight with his stick half full, trying -to decipher the manuscript of some reticent representative, whose speech -was yesterday delivered to the janitor as he polished the porcelain -cuspidor of Congress. - -This is a day and age of the world when men take that which comes to -them, and do not stop to investigate the pain and toil it costs. They -never inquire into the mystery of manufacture, or try to learn the -details of its construction. Most of our libraries are replete with -books which we have received at the hands of a generous government, -and yet we treat those volumes with scorn and contumely. We jeer at the -footsore bugologist who has chased the large, green worm from tree to -tree, in order that we may be wise. We speak sneeringly of the man who -stuffs the woodtick, and paints the gaudy wings of the squash-bug that -we may know how often she orates. - -Year after year the entomologist treads the same weary road with his -bait-box tied to his waist, wooing to his laboratory the army-worm and -the sheep-scab larvæ in order that we, poor particles on the surface of -the great earth, may know how these minute creatures rise, flourish and -decay. - -Then the public printer throws in his case, rubs his finger and thumb -over a lump of alum, takes a chew of tobacco, and puts in type these -words of wisdom from the lips of gray-bearded savants, that knowledge -may be scattered over the broad republic. Patiently he goes on with -the click of type, anon in an absorbed way, while we, gay, thoughtless -mortals, wear out the long summer day at a basket picnic, with deft -fingers selecting the large red ant from our cold ham. - -Thus these books are made which come to us wrapped in manilla and -franked by the man we voted for last fall. Beautiful lithographs, -illustrating the different stages of hog cholera, deck their pages. Rich -oil paintings of gaudy tobacco worms chase each other from preface to -errata. Magnificent chromos of the foot and mouth disease appeal to us -from page after page, and statistics boil out between them, showing what -per cent of invalid or convalescent animals was sent abroad, and what -per cent was worked into oleomargarine and pressed corn beef. - -And what becomes of all this wealth of information--this mammoth -aggregation of costly knowledge? - -Cast ruthlessly away by a trifling, shallow, frivolous and -freckle-minded race! - -It is no more than right that Sterling P. Rounds should know this. How -it will gall his proud heart to know how his beautiful books, and -his chatty and spicy Congressional Record are treated by a jeering, -heartless throng! Do you suppose that I would perspire over doubtful -copy night after night, and then tread a job printing press all the next -day printing books at which the bloodless, soulless public sneered, and -the broad-browed talent of a cruel generation spit upon? Not exactly. - -I have a moderate amount of patience and self-control, but I am free -to say right here before the world, that if I had been in Mr. Rounds' -place, and had at great cost erected a scientific work upon "The Rise -and Fall of Botts in America," and a flippant nation of scoffers had -utilized that volume to press autumn leaves and scraggly ferns in, I -would rise in my proud might and mash the forms with a mallet, I would -jerk the lever of the Washington press into the middle of the effulgent -hence. I would kick over my case, wipe the roller on the frescoed walls, -and feed my statistics, to the hungry flames. - -No publisher has ever been treated more shabbily; no compositor has, in -the history of literature, been more rudely disregarded and derided. - -Think of this, dear reader, when you look carelessly over the brief -but wonderful career of the hop-louse, or with apparent _ennui_ dawdle -through the treatise on colic among silk-worms, and facial neuralgia -among fowls. - -This will not only please Mr. Rounds, the young and struggling -compositor, but it will gratify and encourage all the friends of -American progress and the lovers of learning throughout our whole land. - -A REPRODUCTIVE COMET. - -|AN exchange remarks: "The present comet in the eastern sky, which can -be distinctly seen by everyone at early morning, is certainly the most -remarkable one of the modern comets. Professor Lewis Swift, director -of the Warner observatory, Rochester, New York, states that the comet -grazed the sun so closely as to cause great disturbance, so much so, -that it has divided into no less than eight separate parts, all of which -can be distinctly seen by a good telescope. There is only one other -instance on record, where a comet has divided, that one being Biella's -comet of 1846, which separated into two parts. Applications have been -made to Mr. H. H. Warner, by parties who have noticed these cometary -offshoots, claiming the $200 prize for each one of them. Whether the -great comet will continue to produce a brood of smaller comets remains -to be seen." - -It is certainly to be hoped that it will not. If the comet is going -to multiply and replenish the earth, the average inhabitant had better -proceed in the direction of the tall timber. - -It excites and rattles us a good deal now to look out for what comets we -have on hand; but that is mild, compared with what we will experience -if the heavens are to be filled every spring with new laid comets, and -comets that haven't got their eyes open yet. Our astronomers are able -to figure on the old parent comets, and they know when to look for them, -too; but if twins are to burst upon our vision occasionally, and little -bob-tail orphan comets are to float around through space, we will have -to kind of get up and seek out another solar system, where we will be -safe from this comet foundling asylum. - -Instead of the calm sky of night, flooded with the glorious effulgence -of the silvery moon, surrounded by the twinkling stars, the coming sky -will be one grand Fourth of July exhibit of fireworks, with a thousand -little disobedient comets coming from the four corners of heaven in -search of the milky way. - -Possibly science may be wrong. We have known science to make bad little -breaks of that kind, and when it advertised a particular show to come -off, it was delayed by a wreck on the main track, or something of that -kind, so that people were disappointed. Let us hope that this is the -case now, and that the comets now loafing around through space -with their coat tails on fire will not become parents. It would be -scandalous. - -A LITTLE VAGUE. - -|A TALL, pleasant-looking gentleman, with quick, restless eyes, and the -air of a man who had been in a newspaper office before, dropped into The -Boomerang science department yesterday, and asked the pale, scholarly -blossom, who sat writing an epic on the alarming prevalence of pip and -its future as a national evil, if he could be permitted to read the -_Deseret News_. - -The scientist said certainly, and after a long and weary tussle got the -Mormon placque out of the ruins. - -"I used to be foreman on the _Deseret News_," said the gentleman with -the penetrating eye; "I worked on the News two years, and had a case on -the _Tribune_. I've been foreman of thirty-seven papers during my life, -but my most unfortunate experience was on the _Deseret News_. I wanted -the paper just now to see if they were still running an ad. that I had -some trouble with when I was there. - -"It was a contract we had with Dr. Balshazzer to advertise his Blue Eyed -Forget-me Not Perfume, Dr. Balshazzer's Red Tar Worm Buster, and Dr. -Balshazzer's Baled Brain Food and Tolurockandryeandcodliveroil. The Blue -Eyed Forget-me Not Perfume was to go solid in long primer, following -pure reading matter eod in daily and eowtf weekly. The Red Tar Worm -Buster was to go in nonpareil leaded, 192I.T.thFth98weow3mo, and repeat; -and the Baled Brain Food and Tolurock-andryecodliveroil was a six-inch -electrotype to go in on third page, following pure original humorous -matter, with six full head lines d&weod oct9tf, set in reading type -similar to copy; these to be inserted between pure religious news, with -no other advertising within four miles of the electro, or the reading -notices. - -"At the same time we were running old Monkeywrench's Kidney Scraper on -the same kind of a contract. The business manager did not remember this -when we took the contract, so that as soon as we began to run the two -there was a collision between the Tolurockandryeandcodliver-oil and the -Kidney Scraper right off. I spoke to the business manager about it, and -he was puzzled. He didn't exactly know what it was best to do under the -circumstances, and he hated to lose old Balshazzer's whole trade, for he -wouldn't run any of his ads unless he would take them all according to -his contract. - -"We tried to get him to let us run the BlueEyed Forget-me Not Perfume, -lapr9d&wly deod&wly 10:2t-eowtf; the Bed Tar Worm Buster, dol3 4t -da22tf aprlo-ly dol3tf, and the Brain Food and Tolurockandryecodliveroil -mchl8*ly jun4dtf&dangl8@gft>*&Sylds30tf&rsvpeod$, but he wouldn't do it. - -"I displayed his ad. top of column adjoining humorous column with -three line readers and astonishers without advertising marks or signs -according to copy and instructions to foreman, all omissions or errors -to be subject to fine and imprisonment. They were to go pdq $eoy*Octp&s* -and they were to be double leaded and headed with italic caps. Still -I said it had been some time since I saw the contract and I had been -suffering with brain fever six months in jail and possibly my memory -might be defective. I would go over it again and see if I was right. - -"The electrophones were to be blown in the bottle and the readers were -to be set in lower case slugs with guarantee of good faith and Rough -on Rats would not die in the house. Use Pinkham's Sozodont for itching, -freckles, bunions and croup. It saved my life. My good woman, why are -you bilious with em quads in solid minion. Eureka Jumbo Baking Powder -will not crack or fade in any climate sent on three months trial in -leaded brevier quoins and all wool column rules warranted to cure -rheumatism and army worms or money refunded. To be adjoining selected -miscellany or fancy brass dashes marked eodsyld&w*!*?--" At this moment -a dark browed man came in and told us that the young man was his charge -and on his way to Mount Pleasant asylum for the insane and that we would -have to excuse the intrusion. After subscribing for the paper and asking -us if we had heard from Ohio, he went. - -The scientist said afterward that he found it difficult to follow the -young man in some of his statements and that he was just going to ask -him to go over that again and say it slower, when the Mount Pleasant man -came in and interrupted the flow of conversation. - - - - -SAD DESTRUCTION. - -|THERE came very near being a holocaust in this office on Monday. An -absent-minded candidate for the legislature lit his cigar and gently -threw the match in the waste basket. Shortly after that we felt a -grateful warmth stealing up our back and melting the rubber in our -suspenders. The fire was promptly put under control by our editorial -fire department, but the basket is no longer fit to hold a large word. - - - - -THE IMMEDIATE REVOLTER - -|WYOMING has recently been a great sufferer, mainly through the carrying -of revolvers in the caboose of the overalls. There is no more need of -carrying a revolver in Wyoming than there is of carrying an upright -piano in the coat tail pocket. Those who carry revolvers generally die -by the revolver, and he who agitates the six-shooter, by the six-shooter -shall his blood be shed. When a man carries a gun he does so because he -has said or done something for which he expects to be attacked, so it is -safe to say that when a man goes about our peaceful streets, loaded, he -has been doing some, little trick or other, and has in advance prepared -himself for a Smith-&-Wesson matinee. The other class of men who suffer -from the revolver comprises the white-livered and effeminate parties -who ought to be arrested for wearing men's clothes, and who never shoot -anybody except by accident. Fortunately they sometimes shoot themselves, -and then the fool-killer puts his coat on and rests half an hour. We -have been writing these things and obituaries alternately for several -years, and yet there is no falling off in the mortality. For every man -who is righteously slain, there are about a million law-abiding men, -women and children murdered. Eternity's parquette is filled with people -who got there by the self-cocking revolver route. - -A man works twenty years to become known as a scholar, a newspaper man -and a gentleman, while the illiterate murderer springs into immediate -notoriety in a day, and the widow of his victim cannot even get her life -insurance. These things are what make people misanthropic and tenacious -of their belief in a hell. - -If revolvers could not be sold for less than $500 a piece, with a -guarantee on the part of the vendee, signed by good sureties, that he -would support the widows and orphans, you would see more longevity lying -around loose, and western cemeteries would cease to roll up such mighty -majorities. - - - - -THE SECRET OF HEALTH. - -|HEALTH journals are now asserting, that to maintain a sound -constitution you should lie only on the right side. The health journals -may mean well enough; but what are you going to do if you are editing a -Democratic paper? - - - - -HOUSEHOLD RECIPES. - -|TO remove oils, varnishes, resins, tar, oyster soup, currant jelly, and -other selections from the bill of fare, use benzine, soap and chloroform -cautiously with whitewash brush and garden hose. Then hang on wood pile -to remove the pungent effluvia of the benzine. - -To clean ceilings that have been smoked by kerosene lamps, or the -fragrance from fried salt pork, remove the ceiling, wash thoroughly with -borax, turpentine and rain water, then hang on the clothes line to dry. -Afterward pulverize and spread over the pie plant bed for spring wear. - -To remove starch and roughness from flatirons, hold the iron on a large -grindstone for twenty minutes or so, then wipe off carefully with a rag. -To make this effective, the grindstone should be in motion while the -iron is applied. Should the iron still stick to the goods when in use, -spit on it. - -To soften water for household purposes, put in an ounce of quicklime in -a certain quantity of water. If it is not sufficient, use less water or -more quicklime. Should the immediate lime continue to remain deliberate, -lay the water down on a stone and pound it with a base ball club. - -To give relief to a burn, apply the white of an egg. The yolk of the egg -may be eaten or placed on the shirt bosom, according to the taste of -the person. If the burn should occur on a lady, she may omit the last -instruction. - -To wash black silk stockings, prepare a tub of lather, composed of tepid -rain water and white soap, with a little ammonia. Then stand in the tub -till dinner is ready. Roll in a cloth to dry. Do not wring, but press -the water out. This will necessitate the removal of the stockings. - -If your hands are badly chapped, wet them in warm water, rub them all -over with Indian meal, then put on a coat of glycerine and keep them -in your pockets for ten days. If you have no pockets convenient, insert -them in the pocket of a friend. - -An excellent liniment for toothache or neuralgia, is made of sassafras, -oil of organum and a half ounce of tincture of capsicum, with half a -pint of alcohol. Soak nine yards of red flannel in this mixture, wrap it -around the head and then insert the head in a haystack till death comes -to your relief. - -To remove scars or scratches from the limbs of a piano, bathe the limb -in a solution of tepid water and tincture of sweet oil. Then apply -a strip of court plaster, and put the piano out on the lawn for the -children to play horse with. - -Woolen goods may be nicely washed if you put half an ox gall into two -gallons of tepid water. It might be well to put the goods in the water -also. If the mixture is not strong enough, put in another ox gall. -Should this fail to do the work, put in the entire ox, reserving the -tail for soup. The ox gall is comparatively useless for soup, and should -not be preserved as an article of diet. - - - - -WHAT IS LITERATURE? - -|A SQUASH-NOSED scientist from away up the creek, asks, "What is -literature!" Cast your eye over these logic-imbued columns, you -sun-dried savant from the remote precincts. Drink at the never-failing -Boomerang springs of forgotten lore, you dropsical wart of a false -and erroneous civilization. Read our "Address to the Duke of Stinking -Water," or the "Ode to the Busted Snoot of a Shattered Venus DeMilo," if -you want to fill up your thirsty soul with high-priced literature. Don't -go around hungering for literary pie while your eyes are closed and your -capacious ears are filled with bales of hay. - - - - -THE PREVIOUS HOTEL. - -|DOWN at Nathrop, Colorado, there is a large, new, and fine hotel, where -no guest ever ate or slept. It stands there near the South Park -track like the ghost of some nice, clean country inn. The reader will -naturally ask if the house is haunted, that no one stops at the very -attractive hotel in a country where good hotels are rare. No, it is not -that. It in not haunted so much as it would like to be. Though it is a -fine hotel, there is no town nearer it than Buena Vista, and no one is -going to do business at Buena Yista and go up to Nathrop on a hand-car -for his meals. - -It is a case where a smart aleck of a man built a hotel, and asked his -fellow citizens to come and form a town around him and make him rich. -Mr. Nathrop was rather an impulsive man, and one day he said something -that reflected on another impulsive man, and when people came and looked -for Nathrop, they found that his body was tangled up in the sage brush, -and his soul was marching on. - -The hotel was just completed, and the ladders, and the handsome lime -barrels, and hods, and old nail kegs, and fragments of laths, and pieces -of bricks, and scaffolds, and all those things that go to make life -desirable, are still there adorning the hotel and the front yard; but -there is no handsome man with a waxed mustache inside at the desk, -shaking his head sadly when he is asked for a room, and looking at you -with that high-born pity and contempt for your pleading, that the hotel -clerk--heir apparent to the universe--always keeps for those who go to -him with humility. - -There is no Senegambian, with a whisk broom, waiting to brush your -clothes off your back, and leave you arrayed in a birth-mark and the -earache, at twenty-five cents per brush. There is no young, fair masher, -strutting up and down the piazza, trying to look brainy and capable of -a thought. It is only a hollow mockery, for the chamber-maid with the -large slop-pail does not come at daylight to pound on your door, and -try to get in and fix up your room, and wake you up, and frighten you -to death with her shocking chaos of wart-environed and freckle-frescoed -beauty. - -There the new hotel will, no doubt, stand for ages, while a little way -off, in his quiet grave, the proprietor, laid to rest in an old linen -handkerchief, is sleeping away the years till he shall be awakened by -the last grand reveille. There's no use talking, it's tough. - - - - -ANECDOTE OF SPOTTED TAIL. - -|THE popularity of the above-named chieftain dates from a very trifling -little incident, as did that of many other men who are now great. - -Spotted Tail had never won much distinction up to that time, except as -the owner of an appetite, in the presence of which his tribe stood in -dumb and terrible awe. - -During the early days of what is now the great throbbing and ambitious -west, the tribe camped near Fort Sedgwick, and Big Mouth, a chief of -some importance, used to go over to the post regularly for the purpose -of filling his brindle hide full of "Fort Sedgwick Bloom of Youth." - -As a consequence of Big Mouth's fatal yearning for liquid damnation, he -generally got impudent, and openly announced on the parade ground that -he could lick the entire regular army. This used to offend some of the -blood-scarred heroes who had just arrived from West Point, and in the -heat of debate they would warm the venerable warrior about two feet -below the back of his neck with the fiat of their sabers. - -[Illustration: 0219] - -This was a gross insult to Big Mouth, and he went back to the camp, -where he found Spotted Tail eating a mule that had died of inflammatory -rheumatism. Big Mouth tearfully told the wild epicure of the way he had -been treated, and asked for a council of war. Spot picked his teeth with -a tent pin, and then told the defeated relic of a mighty race that if he -would quit strong drink, he would be subjected to fewer insults. - -Big Mouth then got irritated, and told S. Tail that his remarks showed -that he was standing, in with the aggressor, and was no friend to his -people. - -Spotted Tail said that Mr. B. Mouth was a liar, by yon high heaven, and -before there was time to think it over, he took a butcher knife, about -four feet long, from its scabbard and cut Mr. Big Mouth plumb in two -just between the umbilicus and the watch pocket. - -As the reader who is familiar with anatomy has already surmised, Big -Mouth died from the effects of this wound, and Spotted Tail was at once -looked upon as the Moses of his tribe. He readily rose to prominence, -and by his strict attention to the duties of his office, made for -himself a name as a warrior and a pie biter, at which the world turned -pale. - -This should teach us the importance of taking the tide at its flood, -which leads on to fortune, and to lay low when there is a hen on, as -Benjamin Franklin has so truly said. - - - - -THE ZEALOUS VOTER. - -|SPEAKING of New York politics," said Judge Hildreth, of Cummings, the -other day, "they have a cheerful way of doing business in Gotham, and at -first it rather surprised me. I went into New York a short time before -election, and a Democratic friend told me I had better go and get -registered so I could 'wote.' I did so, for I hate to lose the divine -right of suffrage, even when I'm a good way from home. - -"When election day came around, I went over to the polls in a body, -in the afternoon, but they wouldn't let me vote. I told them I was -registered all right, and that I had a right and must exercise it the -same as any other Democrat in this enlightened land, but they swore at -me and entreated me roughly, and told me to go there myself, and that I -had already voted once and couldn't do it any more. I had always thought -that New York was prone to vigilance and industry in the suffrage -business, and early and often was what I supposed was the grand hailing -sign. It made me mad, therefore, to have the city get so virtuous all at -once that it couldn't even let me vote once. - -"I was irritated and extremely ill-natured when I went back to Mr. -McGinnis, and told him. of the great trouble I had had with the judges -of election, and I denounced New York politics with a great deal of -fervor. - -"Mr. McGinnis said it was all right. - -"'That's aizy enough to me, George. Give me something difficult. Sit -down and rist yoursilf. Don't get excited and talk so loud. I know'd -yez was out lasht night wid the byes and you didn't feel like gettin' up -airly to go to the polls, so I got wan av the byes to go over and wote -your name. That's all roight, come here 'nd have someding.' - -"I saw at a glance that New York people were attending to these things -thoroughly and carefully, and since that when I hear that 'a full vote -hasn't been polled in New York city' for some unknown cause, I do not -think it is true. I look upon the statement with great reserve, for I -believe they vote people there who have been dead for centuries, and -people who have not yet arrived in this country, nor even expressed a -desire to come over. I am almost positive that they are still voting -the bones of old A. T. Stewart up in the doubtful wards, and as soon as -Charlie Ross is entitled to vote, he will most assuredly be permitted to -represent. - -"Why, there's one ward there where they vote the theatre ghosts and -the spirit of Hamlet's father hasn't missed an election for a hundred -years." - - - - -HOW TO PRESERVE TEETH - -|I FIND," said an old man to a Boomerang reporter, yesterday, "that -there is absolutely no limit to the durability of the teeth, if they are -properly taken care of. I never drink hot drinks, always brush my teeth -morning and evening, avoid all acids whatever, and although I am 65 -years old, my teeth are as good as ever they were." - -"And that is all you do to preserve your teeth, is it?" - -"Yes, sir; that's all--barring, perhaps, the fact that I put them in a -glass of soft water nights." - - - - -MR. BEECHER'S BRAIN. - -|MR. BEECHER, has raked in $2,000,000 with his brain. A good, tall, -bulging brow, and a brain that will give down like that, are rather -to be chosen than a blind lead, and an easy running cerebellum, than a -stone quarry with a silent but firm skunk in it. - - - - -OH, NO! - -|THE telephone line between Cheyenne and Laramie City will soon be in -operation. It won't work, however. It may be a success for a time, but -sooner or later Bill Nye will set his lopsided jaws at work in front -of the transmitter, and pour a few quarts of untutored lies into the -contribution box, which does service as a part of the telephone machine. -Then the wires will be yanked off the poles, a hissing torrent of -prevarication will blow the battery jars clean over into Utah, and the -listener at the Cheyenne end will be gathered up in a basket. Weeping -friends will hold a funeral over a pair of old boots and a fragment of -shoulder blade--the remains of the departed Cheyennese. It is a weird -and pixycal thing to be a natural born liar, but there are times when a -robust lie will successfully defy the unanimous inventive genius of the -age."--_Sun_. - -Oh, do not say those cruel words, kind friend. Do not throw it up to -us that we are weird and pixycal. Oh, believe us, kind sir, we may have -done wrong, but we never did that. We know that election is approaching, -and all sorts of bygone crookedness is raked up at that time, even when -a man is not a candidate for office, but we ask the public to scan our -record and see if the charge made by the _Sun_ is true. It may be that -years ago we escaped justice and fled to the west under an assumed name, -but no man ever before charged us with being weird and pixycal. We have -been in all kinds of society, perhaps, and mingled with people who were -our inferiors, having been pulled by the police once while visiting a -Democratic caucus, but that was our misfortune, not our fault. We were -not a member of the caucus and were therefore discharged, but even -little things like that ought to be forgotten. - -As for entering any one's apartments and committing a pixycal crime, we -state now without fear of successful contradiction, that it is not so. -It is no sign because a man in an unguarded moment entered the Rock -Creek eating house and gave way to his emotions, that he is a person to -be shunned. It was hunger, and not love for the questionable, that made -us go there. It is not because we are by nature weird or pixycal, for -we are not. We are not angry over this charge. It just simply hurts -and grieves us. It comes too, at a time when we are trying to lead a -different life, and while others are trying to lend us every aid and -encouragement. We have many friends in Cheyenne who want to see us come -up and take higher ground, but how can we do so if the press lends -its influence against us. That's just the way we feel about it. If the -public prints try to put us down and crush us in this manner, we will -probably get desperate and be just as weird and pixycal as we can be. - - - - -THE MARCH OF CIVILIZATION. - -|SPOKANE IKE," the Indian who killed a doctor last summer for failing -to cure his child, has been hanged. This shows the onward march of -civilization, and vouchsafes to us the time when a doctor's life will be -in less danger than that of his patient. - - - - -AN UNCLOUDED WELCOME. - -|N.P. WILLIS once said: "The sweetest thing in life is the unclouded -welcome of a wife." This is true, indeed, but when her welcome is -clouded with an atmosphere of angry words and coal scuttles, there is -something about it that makes a man want to go out in the woodshed and -sleep on the ice-chest. - - - - -THE PILLOW-SHAM HOLDER. - -|SOME enemy to mankind has recently invented an infernal machine known -as the pillow-sham holder, which is attached to the head of the bedstead -and works with a spiral spring. It is a kind of refined towel-rack on -which you hang your pillow-shams at night so they wont get busted by the -man of the house. The man of the house generally gets the pillow-shams -down under his feet when he undresses and polishes off his cunning -little toes on the lace poultice on which his wife prides herself. This -pillow-sham holder saves all this. You just yank your pillow-sham off -the bed and hang it on this high-toned sham holder, where it rests all -night. At least that's the intention. After a little while, however, the -spring gets weak, and the holder buckles to, or caves in, or whatever -you may call it, at the most unexpected moment. The slightest movement -on the part of the occupant of the bed, turns loose the pillow-sham -holder, and the slumberer gets it across the bridge of his or her nose, -as the case may be. Sometimes the vibration caused by a midnight snore, -will unhinge this weapon of the devil, and it will whack the sleeper -across the features in a way that scares him almost to death. If -you think it is a glad surprise to get a lick across the perceptive -faculties in the middle of a sound slumber, when you are dreaming of -elysium and high-priced peris and such things as that, just try the -death-dealing pillow-sham holder, and then report in writing to the -chairman of the executive committee. It is well calculated to fill the -soul with horror and amaze. A raven-black Saratoga wave, hanging on the -back of a chair, has been known to turn white in a single night as the -result of the sudden kerflummix of one of these cheerful articles of -furniture. - - - - -SOMETHING FRESH. - -|OUR Saturday dispatches announce that an infernal machine had just been -received at the office of Chief Justice Field, and later on, Justice -Field, who was in Wyoming Saturday, said to a reporter that the machine -was one that was sent to him in 1866, and that last week he sent it down -to a gun factory to have the powder taken out, as he wished to stuff it -and preserve it among the archives. - -With the aid of the telegraph and the facilities of the Associated -Press, it does seem as though we were living in an age of almost -miraculous possibilities. Here is an instance where an infernal machine -is sent to a prominent man, and in less than sixteen years the news is -flashed to the four quarters of the globe like lightning. How long will -it be before the whole bloody history of the war of the rebellion will -be sent to every hamlet in the land? How long before the safe arrival of -the ark, and the losses occasioned by the deluge, will be given to us in -dollars and cents? - -People don't fully realize the advantages we possess in this glorious -nineteenth century. They take all these things as a matter of course, -and forget how the palpitating brain palps for them, and how the -quivering nerve quivs on and on through the silent night in order that -humanity may keep informed in relation to ancient history. - -A BAKEFOOTED GODDESS. - -|THERE'S one little national matter that has been neglected about long -enough, it seems to us. If the goddess of liberty is allowed to go -barefoot for another century, her delicate toes will spread out over -this nation like the shadow of a great woe. - - - - -YANKED TO ETERNITY. - -|ONCE, when a section-crew came down the mountain on the South Park -road, from Alpine Tunnel to Buena Vista, a very singular thing occurred, -which has never been given to the public. Every one who knows anything -at all, knows that riding down that mountain on a push-car, descending -at the rate of over 200 feet to the mile, means utter destruction, -unless the brake is on. This brake is nothing more nor less then a -piece of scantling, which is applied between one of the wheels and the -car-bed, in such a way as to produce great friction. - -The section-crew referred to, got on at Hancock with their bronzed and -glowing hides as full of arsenic and rain-water as they could possibly -hold. Being recklessly drunk, they enjoyed the accumulated velocity of -the car wonderfully, until the section boss lost the break off the car, -and then there was a slight feeling of anxiety. The car at last acquired -a velocity like that of a young and frolicsome bob-tailed comet turned -loose in space. The boys began to get nervous at last, and asked each -other what should be done. - -There seemed to be absolutely nothing to do but to shoot onward into the -golden presently. - -All at once the section boss thought of something. He was drunk, but the -deadly peril of the moment suggested an idea. There was a rope on the -car which would do to tie to something heavy and cast off for an anchor. -The idea was only partially successful, however, for there was nothing -to tie to but a spike hammer. This was tried but it wouldn't work. Then -it was decided to tie it to some one of the crew and cast him loose -in order to save the lives of those who remained. It was a glorious -opportunity. It was a heroic thing to do. It was like Arnold -Winklered's great sacrifice, by which victory was gained by filling his -own system full of lances and making a toothpick holder of himself, in -order that his comrades might break through the ranks of their foes. - -George O'Malley, the section boss, said that he was willing that Patsy -McBride should snatch the laurels from outrageous fortune and bind them -on his brow, but Mr. McBride said he didn't care much for the encomiums -of the world. He hadn't lost any encomiums, and didn't want to trade his -liver for two dollars' worth of damaged laurels. - -Everyone declined. All seemed willing to go down into history without -any ten-line pay-local, and wanted someone else to get the effulgence. -Finally, it was decided that a man by the name of Christian Christianson -was the man to tie to. He had the asthma anyhow, and life wasn't much of -an object to him, so they said that, although he declined, he must take -the nomination, as he was in the hands of his friends. - -So they tied the rope around Christian and cast anchor. - -****** - -The car slowed up and at last stopped still. The plan had succeeded. -Five happy wives greeted their husbands that night as they returned from -the jaws of destruction. Christian Christianson did not return. The days -may come and the days may go, but Christian's wife will look up toward -the summit' of the snow-crowned mountains in vain. - -He will never entirely return. He has done so partially, of course, but -there are still missing fragments of him, and it looks as though he must -have lost his life. - - - - -WHY WE SHED THE SCALDING. - -|IN justice to ourself we desire to state that the Cheyenne _Sun_ has -villified us and placed us in a false position before the public. It has -stated that while at Rock Creek station, in the early part of the week, -we were taken for a peanutter, and otherwise ill-treated at the railroad -eating corral and omelette emporium, and that in consequence of such -treatment we shed great scalding tears as large as watermelons. This is -not true. We did shed the tears as above set forth, but not because of -ill-treatment on the part of the eating-house proprietor. - -It was the presence of death that broke our heart and opened the -fountains of our great deep, so to speak. When we poured the glucose -syrup on our pancakes, the stiff and cold remains of a large beetle and -two cunning little twin cockroaches fell out into our plate, and lay -there hushed in an eternal repose. - -Death to us is all powerful. The King of Terrors is to us the mighty -sovereign before whom we must all bow, from the mighty emperor down -to the meanest slave, from the railroad superintendent, riding in his -special car, down to the humblest humorist, all alike must some day curl -up and die. This saddens us at all times, but more peculiarly so when -Death, with his relentless lawn mower, has gathered in the young and -innocent. This was the case where two little twin cockroaches, whose -lives had been unspotted, and whose years had been unclouded by wrong -and selfishness, were called upon to meet death together. In the -stillness of the night, when others slept, these affectionate little -twins crept into the glucose syrup and died. - -We hope no one will misrepresent this matter. We did weep, and we are -not ashamed to own it. We sat there and sobbed until the tablecloth was -wet for four feet, and the venerable ham was floating around in tears. -It was not for ourself, however, that we wept. No unkindness on the part -of an eating-house ever provoked such a tornado of woe. We just weep -when we see death and are brought in close contact with it. And we were -not the only one that shed tears. Dickinson and Warren wept, strong -men as they were. Even the butter wept. Strong as it was it could not -control its emotions. - -We don't very often answer a newspaper attack, but when we are accused -of weeping till people have to take off their boots and wring out their -socks, we want the public to know what it is for. - - - - -ANOTHER SUGGESTION. - -|WE were surprised and grieved to see, on Monday evening, a man in the -dress circle at the performance of Hazel Kirke at Blackburn's Grand -Opera House, who had communed with the maddening bowl till he was -considerably elated. When Pitticus made a good hit, or Hazel struck a -moist lead, and everybody wept softly on the carpet, this man furnished -a war-whoop that not only annoyed the audience, but seemed also to break -up the actors a little. Later, he got more quiet, and at last went to -sleep and slid out of his chair on the floor. It is such little episodes -as these that make strangers dissatisfied with the glorious west. When -you go to see something touchful on the stage, you do not care to have -your finer feelings ruffled by the yells of a man who has got a corner -on delirium tremens. - -It is also humiliating to our citizens to be pulled up off the floor by -the coat-collar and steered out the door by a policeman. - -We hope that as progress is more plainly visible in Wyoming, and as we -get more and more refined, such things will be of less and less frequent -occurrence, till a man can go to see a theatrical performance with just -as much comfort as he would in New York and other eastern towns. - -Another point while we are discussing the performance of Hazel Kirke. -There were some present on Monday night, sitting hack in the third -balcony, who need a theatrical guide to aid them in discovering which -are the places to weep and which to gurgle. - -It was a little embarrassing to Miss Ellsler to make a grand dramatic -hit that was supposed to yank loose a freshet of woe, to be greeted with -a snort of demoniac laughter from the rear of the grand opera house. - -It seemed to unnerve her and surprise her, but she kept her balance and -her head. When death and ruin, and shame and dishonor, were pictured -in their tragic horror, the wild, unfettered humorist of a crude -civilization fairly yelled with delight. He thought that the tomb and -such things were intended to be synonymous with the minstrel show and -the circus. He thought that old Dunstan Kirke was there with his -sightless eyes to give Laramie the grandest, riproaringest tempest of -mirth that she had ever experienced. That is why we say that we will -never have a successful performance in the theatrical line, till some of -this class are provided with laugh-and-cry guide books. - - - - -PISCATORIAL AND EDITORIAL - -|A CORRESPONDENT of the New York _Post_ says that the codfish frequents -"the table lands of the sea." The codfish, no doubt, does this to secure -as nearly as possible a dry, bracing atmosphere. This pure air of the -submarine table lands gives to the codfish that breadth of chest and -depth of lungs which we have always noticed. - -The glad, free smile of the codfish is largely attributed to the -exhilaration of this oceanic altitoodleum. - -The correspondent further says, that "the cod subsists largely on the -sea cherry." Those who have not had the pleasure of seeing the codfish -climb the sea cherry tree in search of food, or clubbing the fruit from -the heavily-laden branches with chunks of coral, have missed a very fine -sight. - -The codfish, when at home rambling through the submarine forests, -does not wear his vest unbuttoned, as he does while loafing around the -grocery stores of the United States. - - - - -ANOTHER FEATHERED SONGSTER - -|A FORT STEELE taxidermist has presented this office with a stuffed -bird of prey about nine feet high, which we have put up in _The Boomerang_ -office, and hereby return thanks for. It is a kind of a cross between a -dodo and a meander-up-the-creek. Its neck is long, like the right of way -to a railway, and its legs need some sawdust to make them look healthy. -Those who subscribe for the paper, can look at this great work of art -free. - -This bird is noted for its brief and horizontal alimentary canal. It -has no devious digestive arrangements, but contents itself with an -economical and unostentatious trunk-line of digestion so simple that any -child can understand it. He (or she, as the case may be) in his (or her) -stocking feet can easily look over into next fall, and when standing in -our office, peers down at us from over the stove-pipe in a reproachful -way that fills us with remorse. - -We have labeled it "The Democrat Wading Up Salt Creek" and filed it away -near the skull of an Indian that we killed years ago when we got mad and -wiped out a whole tribe. The geological name of this bird we do not at -this moment recall, but it is one of those sorrowful-looking fowls that -stick their legs out behind when they fly, and are not good for food. - -Parties wishing to see the bird, and subscribe for the _Home Journal_ -can obtain an audience by kicking three times on the last hall door on -the left and throwing two dollars through the transom. - - - - -ABOUT THE OSTRICH - - - - -THERE is some prospect of ostrich farming developing into quite an -industry in the southwest, and it will sometime be a cold day when the -simple-minded rustic of that region will not have ostrich on toast if he -wants it. Ostrich farming, however, will always have its drawbacks. -The hen ostrich is not a good layer as a rule, only laying two eggs per -annum, which, being about the size of a porcelain wash bowl, make her -so proud that she takes the balance of the year for the purpose of -convalescing. - -The ostrich is chiefly valuable for the plumage which he wears, and -which, when introduced into the world of commerce, makes the husband -almost wish that he were dead. - -Probably the ostrich will not come into general use as an article of -food, few people caring for it, as the meat is coarse, and the gizzard -full of old hardware, and relics of wrecked trains and old irons left -where there has been a fire. - -Carving the ostrich is not so difficult as carving the quail, because -the joints are larger and one can find them with less trouble. Still, -the bird takes up a great deal of room at the table, and the best -circles are not using them. - -The ostrich does not set She don't have time. She does not squat down -over something and insist on hatching it out if it takes all summer, but -she just lays a couple of porcelain cuspidors in the hot sand when she -feels like it, and then goes away to the seaside to quiet her shattered -nerves. - - - - -TOO MUCH GOD AND NO FLOUR. - -|OLD CHIEF POCOTELLO, now at the Fort Hall agency, in answer to an -inquiry relative to the true Christian character of a former Indian -agent at that place, gave in very terse language the most accurate -description of a hypocrite that was ever given to the public. "Ugh! Too -much God and no flour." - - - - -WE ARE GETTING CYNICAL - -|IT begins to look now as though Major F. G. Wilson, who stopped here a -short time last week and week before, might be a gentleman in disguise. -He has done several things since he left here, that look to a man up -a tree like something irregular and peculiar. The major has not only -prevaricated, but he has done so in such a way as to beat his friends -and to make them yearn for his person in order that they may kick -him over into the inky night of space. He has represented himself as -confidential adviser and literary tourist of several prominent New York, -Chicago, Omaha and Tie Siding dailies, and had such good documents to -show in proof of his identity in that capacity that he has received -many courtesies which, as an ordinary American dead-beat, he might have -experienced great difficulty in securing. We simply state this in order -to put our esteemed contemporaries on their guard, so that they will -not let him spit in their overshoes and enjoy himself as he did here. He -wears a white hat on his head and a crooked tooth in the piazza of his -mouth. This pearly fang he uses to masticate and reduce little delicate -irregular fragments of plug tobacco, which he borrows of people who have -time to listen to the silvery tinkle of his bazoo. - -When last seen he was headed west, and will probably strike Eureka, -Nevada, in a week or two. His mission seems to be mainly to make people -feel a goneness in their exchequer, and to distribute tobacco dados over -the office stoves of our great land. He is a man who writes long letters -to the New York _Herald_ that are never printed. His freshly blown nose -is red, but his newspaper articles are not. He claims to represent the -Mutual Reserve Fund Life Association lately, too. The company represents -the Insurance and he attends to the Mutual Reserve Fund. He has mutually -reserved all the funds he could get hold of since he struck the west, -besides mutually reserving enough strong drink to eat a hole through the -Ames monument. - -Such men as Major Wilson make us suspicious of humanity, and very likely -the next man who comes along here and represents that he is a great man, -and wants five dollars on his well-rounded figure and fair fame will -have to be identified. We have helped forty or fifty such men to make a -bridal tour of Wyoming and now we are going to saw off and quit. When a -great journalist comes into this office again with an internal revenue -tax on his breath and nineteen dollars back on his baggage, we will -probably pick up a fifty pound chunk of North Park quartz and spread -his intellectual faculties around this building till it looks like the -Custer massacre. - - - - -ASK US SOMETHING DIFFICULT. - -|WHAT becomes of our bodies?" asks a soft eyed scientist, and we answer -in stentorian tones, that they get inside of a red flannel undershirt as -the maple turns to crimson and the sassafras to gold. Ask us something -difficult, ethereal being, if you want to see us get up and claw for our -library of public documents. - -A MINING EXPERIMENT - -|A MILD-EYED youth, wearing a dessert-spoon hat and polka-dot socks, -went into Middle Park the other day and claimed to be a mining expert. -The boys inveigled him into driving a stick of giant powder into a -drill-hole at the bottom of a shaft with an old axe, and now they are -trying to get him out of the ground with ammonia and a tooth-brush. - -A NEW INDUSTRY. - -|THE want column of the Chicago _News_ for October 10th has the -following: "Twelve frightful examples' wanted, to travel with Scott -Marble's new drama and appear in the realistic bar-room scene of the -'Drunkard's Daughter.' Arthur G. Cambridge, dramatic agent, 75 South -Clark street." - -This throws open a field of usefulness to a class of men who hitherto -have seen no prospect whatever for the future. It brings within the -reach of such men a business which, requiring no capital, still gives -the actor much time to do as he chooses. Beauty often wins for itself a -place in the great theatrical world, but it is rare that the tomato nose -and the watery eye secure a salary for their proprietors. Business must -be picking up when the wiggly legs and danger-signal nose will bring -so much per week and railroad fare. Perhaps prohibition has got the -"frightful example" business down to where it commands the notice of the -world because of its seldom condition. - - - - -THE MIMIC STAGE. - -|AT the performance of "The Phoenix" here, the other night, there was a -very affecting place where the play is transferred very quickly from -a street scene to the elegant apartments of Mr. Blackburn, the heavy -villain. The street scene had to be raised out of the way, and the -effect of the transition was somewhat marred by the reluctance of the -scenery in rolling up out of the way. It got about half way up, and -stopped there in an undecided manner, which annoyed the heavy villain -a good deal. He started to make some blood-curdling remarks about Mr. -Bludsoe, and had got pretty well warmed up when the scenery came down -with a bang on the stage. The artist who pulls up the curtain and fills -the hall lamps, then pulled the scene up so as to show the villain's -feet for fifteen or twenty minutes, but he couldn't get it any farther. -It seemed that the clothes line, by which the elaborate scenery is -operated, got tangled up some way, and this caused the delay. After that -another effort was made, and this time the street scene rolled up to -about the third story of a brick hotel shown in the foreground, and -stopped there, while the clarionet and first violin continued a kind of -sad tremulo. Then a dark hand, with a wart on one finger and an oriental -dollar store ring on another, came out from behind the wings and began -to wind the clothes-line carefully around the pole at the foot of the -scene. The villain then proceeded with his soliloquy, while the street -scene hung by one corner in such a way as to make a large warehouse on -the corner of the street stand at an angle of about forty-five degrees. - -Laramie will never feel perfectly happy until these little hitches are -dispensed with. Supposing that at some place in the play, where the -heroine is speaking soft and low to her lover and the proper moment has -arrived for her to pillow her sunny head upon his bosom, that street -scene should fetch loose, and come down with such momentum as to knock -the lovers over into the arms of the bass-viol player. Or suppose that -in some death-bed act this same scene, loaded with a telegraph pole at -the bottom, should settle down all at once in such a way as to leave the -death-bed out on the corner of Monroe and Clark streets, in front of a -candy store. - -Modern stage mechanism has now reached such a degree of perfection that -the stage carpenter does not go up on a step ladder, in the middle of a -play, and nail the corner of a scene to a stick of 2x4 scantling, while -a duel is going on near the step ladder. In all the larger theatres and -opera houses, now, they are not doing that way. - -Of course little incidents occur, however, even on the best stages, and -where the whole thing works all right. For instance, the other day, a -young actor, who was kneeling to a beautiful heiress down east, got a -little too far front, and some scenery, which was to come together -in the middle of the stage to pianissimo music, shut him outside and -divided the tableau in two, leaving the young actor apparently kneeling -at the foot of a street lamp, as though he might be hunting for a half a -dollar that he had just dropped on the sidewalk. - -There was a play in New York, not long ago, in which there was a kind of -military parade introduced, and the leader of a file of soldiers had his -instructions to march three times around the stage to martial music, and -then file off at the left, the whole column, of course, following him. -After marching once around, the stage manager was surprised to see the -leader deliberately wheel, and walk off the stage, at the left, with -the whole battalion following at his heels. The manager went to him -and abused him shamefully for his haste, and told him he had a mind -to discharge him; but the talented hack driver, who thus acted as the -military leader, and who had over-played himself by marching off the -stage ahead of time, said: - -[Illustration: 0249] - -"Well, confound it, you can discharge me if you want to, but what was a -man to do? Would you have me march around three times when my military -pants were coming off, and I knew it? Military pride, pomp, parade, -and circumstance, are all right; but it can be overdone. A military -squadron, detachment, or whatever it is, can make more of a parade, -under certain circumstances, than is advertised. I didn't want to give -people more show than they paid for, and I ask you to put yourself in my -place. When a man is paid three dollars a week to play a Roman soldier, -would you have him play the Greek slave? No, sir; I guess I know what -I'm hired to play, and I'm going to play it. When you want me to play -Adam in the Garden of Eden, just give me my fig leaf and salary enough -to make it interesting, and I will try and properly interpret the -character for you, or refund the money at the door." - - - - -DECLINE OF AMERICAN HUMOR - -|DEAR, mellow-voiced, starry-eyed reader, did you ever see something -about "the decline of American humor?" Well, we got a gob of American -humor, yesterday, written by a yahoo with pale pink hair, which was -entitled "Marriage in Mormondom on the Tontine Plan." Well, we declined -it. Decline of American humor. _Sabe?_ - - - - -CHICAGO CUSTOM HOUSE - -|THE Chicago custom house and post office, built from designs by Oscar -Wild, and other delirum tremens artists, is getting wiggly, and bids -fair to some day fall down and scrunch about 500 United States employes -into the great billowy sea of the eternal hence. It is a sick looking -structure, with little gothic warts on top, and red window sashes, and -little half-grown smoke houses sprouting out of it in different places. -It is grand, gloomy and peculiar, and looks as though it might be cursed -with an inward pain. - - - - -FOREIGN OPINION - -|WE are indebted to Fred J. Prouting, correspondent of the foreign and -British newspaper press, for a copy of the London _Daily_ of the 9th -inst., containing the following editorial notice: - -"If ever celebrity were attained unexpectedly, most assuredly it was -that thrust upon Bill Nye by Truthful James. It is just possible, -however, that the innumerable readers of Mr. Bret Harte's 'Heathen -Chinee' may have imagined Bill Nye and Ah Sin to be purely mythical -personages. So far as the former is concerned, any such conclusion now -appears to have been erroneous. Bill Nye is no more a phantom than any -other journalist, although the name of the organ which he 'runs' savors -more of fiction than of fact. But there is no doubt about the matter, -for the Washington correspondent of the New York _Tribune_ telegraphed -on the 29th instant, that Bill Nye had accepted a post under the -government. He has lately been domiciled in Laramie City, Wyoming -territory, and is editor of The Daily Boomerang. In reference to -Acting-Postmaster-Gen. Hatton's appointment of him as postmaster at -Laramie City, the opponent of Ah Sin writes an extremely humorous -letter, 'extending' his thanks, and advising his chief of his opinion -that his 'appointment is a triumph of eternal truth over error and -wrong.' Nye continues: 'It is one of the epochs, I may say, in the -nation's onward march toward political purity and perfection. I don't -know when I have noticed any stride in the affairs of state which has -so thoroughly impressed me with its wisdom.' In this quiet strain of -banter, Bill Nye continues to the end of his letter, which suggests the -opinion that whatever the official qualifications of the new postmaster -may be, the inhabitants of Laramie City must have a very readable -newspaper in The Daily Boomerang." - -While thanking our London contemporary for its gentle and harmless -remarks, we desire to correct an erroneous impression that the seems to -have as to our general style: The British press has in some way arrived -at the conclusion that the editor of this fashion-guide and mental -lighthouse on the rocky shores of time (terms cash), is a party with -wild tangled hair, and an like a tongue of flame. - -That is not the case, and therefore our English co-worker in the -great field of journalism is, no doubt, laboring under a popular -misapprehension. Could the editor of the _News_ look in upon us as we -pull down tome after tome of forgotten lore in our study; or, with a -glad smile, glance hurriedly over the postal card in transit through our -postoffice, he would see, not as he supposes, a wild and cruel slayer -of his fellow men, but a thoughtful, scholarly and choice fragment of -modern architecture, with lines of care about the firmly chiseled mouth, -and with the subdued and chastened air of a man who has run for the -legislature and failed to get there, Eli. - -The London _News_ is an older paper than ours, and we therefore -recognize the value of its kind notice. _The Boomerang_ is a young paper, -and has therefore only begun fairly to do much damage as a national -misfortune, but the time is not far distant, when, from Greenland's icy -mountains to India's coral strand, we propose to search out suffering -humanity and make death easier and more desirable, by introducing this -choice malady. - -Regarding the postoffice, we wish to state that we shall aim to make -it a great financial success, and furnish mail at all times to all who -desire it, whether they have any or not. We shall be pretty busy, of -course, attending to the office during the day, and writing scathing -editorials during the night, but we will try to snatch a moment now and -then to write a few letters for those who have been inquiring sadly and -hopelessly for letters during the past ten years. It is, indeed, a -dark and dreary world to the man who has looked in at the same general -delivery window nine times a day for ten years, and yet never received -a letter, nor even a confidential postal card from a commercial man, -stating that on the 5th of the following month he would strike the town -with a new and attractive line of samples. - -We should early learn to find put such suffering as that, and if we are -in the postoffice department we may be the means of much good by -putting new envelopes on our own dunning letters and mailing them to the -suffering and distressed. Let us, in our abundance, remember those who -have not been dunned for many a weary year. It will do them good, and we -will not feel the loss. - - - - -THEY HAVE CURBED THEIR WOE. - -|THEY say that Brigham Young's grave is looking as bare and desolate as -a boulevard now. At first, while her grief was fresh, his widow used to -march out there five abreast, and just naturally deluge the grave with -scalding tears, and at that time the green grass grew luxuriantly, and -the pig-weed waved in the soft summer air; but as she learned to control -her emotions, the humidity of the atmosphere disappeared, and grief's -grand irrigation failed to give down. We should learn from this that the -man who flatters himself that in marrying a whole precinct during life, -he is piling up for the future a large invoice of ungovernable woe, -is liable to get left. The prophet's tomb looks to-day like a deserted -buffalo wallow, while his widow has dried her tears, and is trying to -make a mash on the Utah commission. Such is life in the far west, and -such the fitting resting place of a red-headed old galvanized prophet, -who marries a squint-eyed fly-up-the-creek, and afterward gets a special -revelation requiring him to marry a female mass-meeting. Let us be -thankful for what we have, instead of yearning for a great wealth of -wife. Then the life insurance will not have to be scattered so, and -our friends will be spared the humiliating spectacle of a bereft and -sorrowing herd of widow, turned loose by the cold hand of death to -monkey o'er our tomb. - - - - -HUNG BY REQUEST. - -|THIS county has had two hemp carnivals during the past few weeks, and -it begins to look like old times again. In each case the murder was -unprovoked, and the victim a quiet gentleman. That is why there was a -popular feeling against the murderer, and a spontaneous ropestretching -benefit as a result. While we deplore the existence of a state of -affairs that would warrant these little expressions of feeling, we -cannot come right out and condemn the exercises which followed. - -The more we read the political record of the candidate for office, as -set forth in opposing journals, the more we feel that there are already -few enough good men in this country, so that we do not care to spare -any of them. If, therefore, the mischievous bad man is permitted to thin -them out this way, the day is not distant when we won't have good men -enough to run the newspapers, to say nothing of other avocations. - -We know that eastern people will speak of us as a ferocious tribe on -the Wyoming reservation, but we desire to call the attention of our more -law-abiding brethren to the fact that there has been in the past year a -lynching in almost every state in the Union, to say nothing of several -hundred cases where there should have been. Do you suppose Wyoming -young ladies would consent to play the waltz known as "Under the Elms," -composed by Walter Malley, if Walter had been as frolicsome here as he -was down on the Atlantic coast? Scarcely. We may be the creatures of -impulse here, but not that kind of impulse. - -Minneapolis hung a man during the past year, and so did Bloomington and -other high-toned towns, and shall we, because we are poor and lonely, -be denied this poor boon? We hope not. Because we have left the East and -moved out here to make some money and build up a new country, shall we -be refused the privileges we would have enjoyed if we had remained in -the states. We trow not. - -A telegraph pole with a remains hanging on it is not a cheerful -sight, but it has a tendency to annoy and mentally disturb those who -contemplate the violent death of some good man. It unnerves the brave -assassin and makes him restless and apprehensive. Death is always -depressing, but it is doubly so when it has that purple and suffocated -appearance which is noticeable in the features of the early fall fruit -of the telegraph pole. Lately, we will state, however, the telegraph -pole has fallen into disfavor, and is not much used, owing to a rumor -which gained circulation some time ago, to the effect that Jay Gould -intended to charge the vigilance committee rent. - -A COLORED GREEK SLATE. - -|A NUDE colored woman, as wild as a gorilla, startling the people of -the Marvel section of Missouri. She has been seen several times, and the -last time threw a young lady, who was horseback riding, into hysteria, -and with a grunt--not unlike that of a wild hog--jumped up and ran into -the forest. At the time of her discovery she was burrowing into the side -of the road, catching and eating crawfish, which she ate claws, hide and -all. She is very black, and foams at the mouth when angry, like a wild -animal at bay. She is probably a colored Greek slave in search of an -umbrella and the remainder of her wardrobe. Still, she may be a brunette -society belle, who went in swimming where a mud-turtle caught her by the -pink toe, and the nervous shock has unsettled her mind. - - - - -THE MELVILLES. - -|AN exchange says that Mrs. Melville has become deranged through excess -of joy over the unexpected return of her husband. Another one says that -it is thought that Lieutenant Melville is off his basement as a result -of exposure to the vigorous and bracing air of the north pole. Still -another says that Mr. Melville was always mean and hateful toward his -wife, and that when he was at home, she had to do her own washing and -wind the clock herself. From the different stories now floating about -relative to the Melville family, we are led to believe that he is a -kind and considerate husband, pleasant and good-natured toward his -wife--while asleep; and that she is a kind, beautiful and accomplished -wife--when she is sober. How many of our best wives are falling victims -to the alcoholic habit recently! How sad to think that, as husbands, we -will soon be left to wait and watch and vigil through the long, weary -night for that one to return who promised us on the nuptial day that she -would protect and love us. Ah, what a silent, but seductive foe to the -husband is rum! How it creeps into the home circle and snatches the -wife in the full blush and bloom of womanhood, while the pale, sad-eyed -husband sits at the sewing machine and barely makes enough to keep the -little ones from want. - -No one can fully realize, but he who has been there, so to speak, the -terrible shock that Mr. Melville received on the first evening that -his wife came staggering home. No one can tell how the pain froze his -throbbing gizzard, or how he shuddered in the darkness, and filled the -pillow-sham full of sobs when he first knew that she had got it up her -nose. Ah, what a picture of woe we see before us. There in the solemn -night, robed in? long, plainly constructed garment of pure white, -buttoned at the throat in a negligent manner, stands Mr. Melville with -his bare, tall brow glistening in the flickering rays of a kerosene -lamp, which he holds in his hand, while on the front porch stands the -wife who a few years ago promised to defend and protect him. She is a -little unsteady on her feet, and her hat is out of plumb. She tries to -be facetious, and asks him if that is where Mr. Melville lives. He looks -at her coldly and says it is, but unfortunately it is not an inebriate's -home and refuge for the budge demolisher. Then he bursts into tears, and -his sobs shake the entire ranch. But we draw a curtain over the scene. -***** - -A year later he may be discovered about two miles southwest of the north -pole. Cool, but happy. He is trying to forget his woe. He smells like -sperm-oil and looks like a bald-headed sausage, but the woe of drink is -forgotten.' - -How sad that he has returned and suffered again. What a mistake that he -did not remain where, instead of his wife's coolness, he would have had -only that of nature to contend against. - - - - -MENDING BROKEN NECKS. - -|THEY have successfully set a boy's broken neck, in Connecticut, and now -it looks as though the only way to kill a man is to take him about 200 -miles from any physician, and run him through a Hoe Perfecting Press. -If this thing continues, they will some day put some electricity into -Pharaoh's daughter and engage her as a ballet-dancer, along with other -tender pullets of her own age. - - - - -ARE YOU A MORMON? - -|WE are indebted to Elder Wilkins, of Logan, Utah, -first-assistant-general-tooly-muck-a-hi Z. C. M. I. and Z. W. of T. -U. O. M. and B. company, and president of the cache stake of Zion, -constituting last in the quorum of seventies, for the late edition of -the Mormon Guide and Hand Book of the Endowment House. It is a very -pleasant work to read, and makes the whole endowment scheme as clear to -the average mind as though he had been through it personally. - -Pictures of the endowment chemiloon and Z. C. M. I. bib are given -to show the novice exactly how they appear to the unclothed and -unregenerate vision. The convert, it seems, first goes to the desk, on -entering, and registers. Then she leaves her every-day clothes in the -baggage room and gets a check for them. The next thing on the programme -is a bath, called the farewell bath, because it is the last one taken by -the endowment victim. - -The convert is then anointed with machine oil from a cow's horn, after -which she is named something, supposed to be the celestial cognomen. -Then comes the endowment robe, which is a combination arrangement that -don't look pretty. After that, the apprentice to polygamy goes into an -impromptu garden of Eden, where the apple business is gone through with. -A thick-necked path-master from Logan takes the character of Adam, and a -pale-haired livery stable keeper from Salt Lake acts as the ruler of the -universe. This is not making light of a sacred subject. It is just the -simple, plain, horrible truth. - -[Illustration: 0265] - -The creation of the world is thus gone through with by these blatant -priests of Latter Day bogus sanctity, and the exercises are continued -after this fashion through all their disgusting details. We have no -time or inclination to enlarge upon them. Truth is sometimes nauseating, -especially while discussing the Mormon problem. - -If Brigham Young had lived, he would have helped out his church by a -revelation that would have knocked the daylights out of polygamy; but -as it is now, John Taylor, with his characteristic stubborness, will -not attend to it, his revelation machine being somewhat out of whack, -as Oscar Wilde would say, so that the anointing with the so-called -sanctified lubricant will continue till the United States sits down on -the whole grand farce. - - - - -CAUTION. - -|A MAN is going about the streets of Laramie claiming to be John the -Baptist. He has light hair and chin whiskers, is stout built and -looks like a farmer. We desire to warn those of our readers who may be -inclined to trust him, that he is not what he purports to be. We have -taken great pains to look the matter up, and find, as a result of our -research, that John the Baptist is dead. - -A BLOW TO THE GOVERNMENT - -|AT the October term of the district court we shall resign the office of -United States Commissioner for this judicial district, an office which -we have held so long, and with such great credit to ourself. Fearing -that in the hurry and rush of other business our contemporaries might -overlook the matter, we have consented to mention, briefly, the fact -that at the opening of court, Judge Blair will be called upon to accept -the resignation of one of our most tried and true officials, who has for -so long held up this corner of the great national fabric. - -It has been our solemn duty to examine the greaser who sold liquor -to our red brother, and filled him up with the deadly juice of the -sour-mash tree. It has devolved upon us to singe the soft-eyed lad who -stole baled hay from the reservation, and it has also been our glorious -privilege to examine, in a preliminary manner, the absent-minded party -who gathered unto himself the U. S. mule. - -We have attempted to resign before, but failed. One reason was, that it -was a novel proceeding in Wyoming, and no one seemed to know how to go -to work at it. No one had ever resigned before, and the matter had to be -hunted up and the law thoroughly understood. - -The office is one of great profit, as we have said before. It brings -wealth into the coffers of the U. S. Commissioner in a way that is well -calculated to turn the head of most people. We have, however, succeeded -in controlling ourself, and have so far suppressed that beastly pride -which wealth engenders. With a salary of $7.25 per annum, and lead -pencils, we have-steadily refused to go to Europe, preferring rather to -plod along here in the wild west, although we may never see the beauties -of a foreign shore. - -Official duty was at all times weighing upon our mind like a leaden -load. Oft in the stilly night we have been wakened by the oppressing -thought that, perhaps at that moment, on some distant reservation, some -pale-faced villain might be selling valley-tan to the gentle, untutored -Indian brave, and it has tortured us and robbed us of slumber and joy. -Now it is a relief to know that very soon we shall be free from this -great responsibility. If an Indian gets drunk on the reservation, or a -time-honored government mule is stolen, we shall not be expected to -get up in the night and administer swift and terrible justice to the -offender. Old-man-with-a-torpid-liver can go as drunk as he pleases on -the reservation. It does not come under our jurisdiction any more. We -can sleep now nights while some other man peels his coat, and acts as -the United States nemesis for this diocese. - -Sometime during the ensuing week we will turn over the lead pencil and -the blotting paper of the office to our successor. We leave the Indian -temperance movement in his hands. The United States mule, kleptomaniac -also, we leave with him. With a clear conscience and an unliquidated -claim against the government for $9.55, the earnings of the past two -years, we turn over the office, knowing that although we have sacrificed -our health, we have never evaded our duty, no matter how dangerous or -disagreeable. - -Yet we do not ask for any gold-headed cane as a mark of esteem on the -part of the government. We have a watch that does very well for us, so -that a testimonial consisting of a gold watch, costing $250, would be -unnecessary. Any little trinket of that kind would, of course, show -how ready the department of justice is to appreciate the work of an -efficient officer, but we do not look for it, nor ask it. A thoroughly -fumigated and disinfected conscience is all we want. That is enough for -us. Do not call out the band. Just let us retire from the office quietly -and unostentatiously. As regards the United States Commissionership, we -retire to private life. In the bosom of our family we will forget the -turbulent voyage of official life through which we have passed, and as -we monkey with the children around our hearthstone, we will shut our -eyes to the official suffering that is going on on all around us. - - - - -POISONS AND THEIR ANECDOTES. - -|AN amateur scientist sends us a long article written with a purple -pencil on both sides of twelve sheets of legal cap, and entitled -"Poisons and Their Anecdotes." - -Will the soft-eyed mullet-head please call and get it, also a lick over -the eye with a hot stove leg, and greatly oblige the weary throbbing -brain that, moulds the scientific course of this paper? - - - - -CORRESPONDENCE. - -Cheyenne, September 6, 1882. - -|THE party, consisting of Governor Hale and wife, Secretary Morgan and -wife, President Slack, of the "Wyoming Press Association, and wife, Mr. -Baird and myself, started out of Laramie, about 8:30 last evening, and -excurted along over the hill with some hesitation, arriving here this -morning at four o'clock. The engine at first slipped an eccentric on -Dale Creek bridge, and we remained there some time, delayed but happy. -Then, as the night wore away and the gray dawn came down over the broad -and mellow sweep of plain to the eastward, an engine ahead of us on a -freight train blew off her monkey-wrench, and we were delayed in the -neighborhood of Hazzard several more hours. Hazzard is a thriving town -on the eastern slope of the mountains, with glorious possibilities for a -town site. With gas and waterworks and a city debt of $200,000, Hazzard -will some day attract notice from the civilized world. If her vast -deposits of sand and alkali could be brought to the notice of capital, -Hazzard would some day take rank with such cities as Wilcox and Tie -City. - -Still we had a good deal of fun. We heard that Whitelaw Reid, of the New -York was on board, and we sent the porter into the other car after him. -Mr. Reid did not behave as we thought he would at first. We had presumed -that he was cold and distant in his manners, but he is not. As soon as -the first embarrassment of meeting us was over, he sailed right in and -did all the talking himself, just as any cultivated gentleman would. He -told us all about New York politics and how he was fighting the machine, -at the same time, however, casually dropping a remark or two that led us -to conclude that it was only one machine that didn't want another one -to win. He is a tall, rather fine-looking man, with a Grecian nose and -long, dark hair, which he does up in tin foil at night. I told him that -I was grieved to know that his hired man had, inadvertently no doubt, -referred to me in a manner that gave the American people an idea that -I was a good deal bigger man than I really was. I asked him whether he -wanted to apologize then and there or be thrown over Dale Creek bridge -into the rip-snorting torrent below. - -He said he didn't believe that such a remark had been made, but if -it had he would go home and kill the man who wrote it, if that would -poultice up my wounded heart. I said it would. If he would just mail -me the remains of the man who made the remark, not necessarily for -publication, but as a guarantee of good faith, it would be all right. - -We talked all night, and incurred the everlasting displeasure of a fat -man from San Francisco, who told the porter he wanted his money back -because he hadn't slept any all night. He seemed mad because we were -having a little harmless conversation among ourselves, and when the -clock in the steeple struck four he rolled over in his berth, gave a -large groan and then got up and dressed. Some people are so morbidly -nervous that they cannot sleep on a train, and they naturally get cross -and say ungentlemanly things. This man said some things while he was -dressing and buttoning his suspenders, that made my blood run cold. -A man who has no better control of his temper than that, ought not -to travel at all. He just simply makes a North American side-show of -himself. - -Cheyenne is very greatly improved since I was here last. The building -up of the corner opposite the Inter Ocean hotel has added greatly to -the attractiveness of the Magic City, and other work is being done which -enhances the beauty of the city very much. F. E. Warren is one of the -most enterprising and thoroughly vigorous western business men I ever -knew. He is an anomaly, I might say. When I say he is an anomaly, I -do not mean to reflect upon him in any way, though I do not know the -meaning of the word. I simply mean that he is the chief grand rustle of -a very rustling city. - - - - -WHAT THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY NEEDS. - -|THE candidate for county commissioner, on the Democratic ticket, of -Sweetwater county, keeps a drug store, and when a little girl burned -her arm against the cook stove, and her father went after a package of -Russia salve, the genial Bourbon gave her a box of "Rough on Rats." What -the Democratic party needs, is not so much a new platform, but a carload -of assorted brains that some female seminary had left over. - -A LETTER FROM LEADVILLE. - -Leadville, Colorado, Sept. 10. - -|THIS morning we rose at 4:30, and rode from Buena Vista to Leadville, -arriving at the Clarendon for breakfast. Our party has been reduced in -one way and another until there are only eight here to-day. Secretary -Morgan and family remained at Buena Vista on account of the illness -of Misa Lillie Morgan, who suffers severely from sea-sickness on the -mountain railroads. - -One thing I have not mentioned, and an incident certainly worthy of -note, was the sudden decision of our president, E. A. Slack, on Friday, -to remain at a little station on the South Parle road, above Como, while -the party continued on to Buena Vista. Mr. Slack is a man of iron will -and sudden impulses, as all who know him are aware. He got in a car at -the station referred to, and under the impression that it belonged to -our train, remained in it till he got impatient about something, and -asked a man who came in with a broom, why we were making such a stop at -that station. The man said that this car had been side-tracked, and the -train had gone sometime ago. - -Then Mr. Slack made the rash remark that he would remain there until the -next train. He acts readily in an emergency, and he saw at a glance that -the best thing that he could do would be to just stay there, and examine -the country until he could get the next train. He telegraphed us that -the fare was so high on our train that he would see if he couldn't -get better rates on the following day. In the meantime, he struck -Superintendent Egbert's special car, and rode around over the country -till morning, while our party took in Buena Vista. The city is but two -years old, but very thriving, and has 2,500 to 3,000 population. At -the depot we were met by Agent Smith, of the South Park road, who had -secured rooms for us at the Grand Park hotel. He had also arranged for -carriages to take us out to Cottonwood Hot Springs, about six miles -up Cottonwood creek, where we took supper. We found a first-class -sixty-four room hotel there, with hot baths, and everything comfortable -and neat. The proprietors are Messrs. Stafford and Hartenstein--the -latter having been a medical student under Dr. Agnew. After a -good-supper we returned to Buena Vista, where the home military company, -under Captain Johnson, led by the Buena Yista band, serenaded us. I -responded in a brief but telling speech, which I would give here if I -had not forgotten what it was. Some of the other members of the party -wanted to make the speech, but I said no, it would not be right. I was -representing the president, Mr. Slack, and wearing his overcoat, and -therefore it would devolve on me to make the grand opening remarks. -It was the greatest effort of my life, and town lots in Buena Vista -depreciated fifty per cent. - -We found A. D. Butler, formerly of Cheyenne, now at Buena Vista, also -Tom Campbell, well known to Laramie people, doing well at the new city, -and a prospective member of the Colorado legislature. George Marion, -formerly of Laramie, is also at Buena Vista, engaged in the retail -bridge trade. We also met Messrs. Leonard, of the and Kennedy, of the -_Herald_, who treated us the whitest kind. Mr. Leonard and wife went -with us yesterday over to Gunnison City. Billy Butler, formerly of -Laramie, is now at Buena Vista, successfully engaged in mining. - -Yesterday we put in the most happy day of the entire trip. Under the -very kind and thoughtful guidance of Superintendent E. Wilbur, of the -Gunnison division of the South Park road, we went over the mountain to -Gunnison and through the wonderful Alpine tunnel, the highest railroad -point in the United States, and with its approaches 2,600 feet long. -When you pass through the tunnel the brakeman makes you close your -window and take in your head. He does this for two reasons: first, you -can't see anything if you look out, and secondly, the company don't like -to hire an extra man to go through the tunnel twice a day and wipe the -remains of tourists off the walls. - -The newsboy told me that a tourist from Philadelphia once tried to wipe -his nose on the Alpine tunnel, while the train was in motion, and when -they got through into daylight, and his companions told him to take in -his head, he couldn't do it--because it was half a mile behind examining -the formation of the tunnel. Later, it was found that the man was dead. -The passengers said that they noticed a kind of crunching noise while -going through the tunnel that sounded like the smashing of false teeth, -but they paid no attention to it. - -Mr. Wilbur afterward told me that there had never been a passenger -killed on the road, so I may have been misled by this newsboy. Still, -he didn't look like a boy who would trifle with a man's feelings in that -way. - -However, I will leave the remainder of the Gunnison trip for another -letter, as this is already too long. - - - - -TABLE MANNERS OF CHILDREN. - -|YOUNG children who have to wait till older people have eaten all there -is in the house, should not open the dining-room door during the meal -and ask the host if he is going to eat all day. It makes the company -feel ill at ease, and lays up wrath in the parents' heart. - -Children should not appear displeased with the regular courses at -dinner, and then fill up on pie. Eat the less expensive food first, and -then organize a picnic in the preserves afterward. - -Do not close out the last of your soup by taking the plate in your mouth -and pouring the liquid down your childish neck. You might spill it on -your bosom, and it enlarges and distorts the mouth unnecessarily. - -When asked what part of the fowl you prefer, do not say you will take -the part that goes over the fence last. This remark is very humorous, -but the rising generation ought to originate some new table jokes that -will be worthy of the age in which we live. - -Children should early learn the use of the fork, and how to handle it. -This knowledge can be acquired by allowing them to pry up the carpet -tacks with this instrument, and other little exercises, such as the -parent mind may suggest. - -The child should be taught at once not to wave his bread around over the -table, while in conversation, or to fill his mouth full of potatoes, and -then converse in a rich tone of voice with some one out in the yard. -He might get his dinner down his trochea and cause his parents great -anxiety. - -In picking up a plate or saucer filled with soup or with moist food, the -child should be taught not to parboil his thumb in the contents of the -dish, and to avoid swallowing soup bones or other indigestible debris. - -Toothpicks are generally the last course, and children should not be -permitted to pick their teeth and kick the table through the other -exercises. While grace is being said at table, children should know that -it is a breach of good breeding to smouge fruit cake just because their -parents' heads are bowed down, and their attention for the moment turned -in another direction. Children ought not to be permitted to find fault -with the dinner, or fool with the cat while they are eating. Boys -should, before going to the table, empty all the frogs and grasshoppers -out of their pockets, or those insects might crawl out during the -festivities, and jump into the gravy. - -If a fly wades into your jelly up to his gambrels, do not mash him with -your spoon before all the guests, as death is at all times depressing -to those who are at dinner, and retards digestion. Take the fly out -carefully, with what naturally adheres to his person, and wipe him on -the table cloth. It will demonstrate your perfect command of yourself, -and afford much amusement for the company. Do not stand up in your chair -and try to spear a roll with your fork. It is not good manners to do so, -and you might slip and bust your crust, by so doing. Say "thank you," -and "much obliged," and "beg pardon," wherever you can work in -these remarks, as it throws people off their guard, and gives you an -opportunity to get in your work on the pastry and other bric-a-brac near -you at the time. - - - - -WHAT IT MEANT. - -|WHEN Billy Boot was a little boy, he was of a philosophical and -investigating turn of mind, and wanted to know almost everything. He -also desired to know it immediately. He could not wait for time to -develop his intellect, but he crowded things and wore out the patience -of his father, a learned savant, who was president of a livery stable in -Chicago. - -One day Billy ran across the grand hailing sign, which is generally -represented as a tapeworm in the beak of the American eagle, on which is -inscribed "E Pluribus Unum." Billy, of course, asked his father what "E -Pluribus Unum" meant. He wanted to gather in all the knowledge he could, -so that when he came out west he could associate with some of our best -men. - -[Illustration: 0283] - -"I admire your strong appetite for knowledge, Billy," said Mr. Root; -"you have a morbid craving for cold hunks of ancient history and -cyclopedia that does my soul good; and I am glad, too, that you come -to your father to get accurate data for your collection. That is right. -Your father will always lay aside his work at any time and gorge your -young mind with knowledge that will be as useful to you as a farrow cow. -'E Pluri-bus Unum' is an old Greek inscription that has been handed down -from generation to generation, preserved in brine, and signifies that -'the tail goes with the hide.'" - - - - -VOTERS IN UTAH. - -|THIS is the form of the oath required of voters in Utah under the new -law: - -Territory of Utah, County of Salt Lake. I ------------ being first duly -sworn (or affirmed), depose and say that I am over twenty-one years of -age, and have resided in the territory of Utah for six months, and in -the precinct of ---------- one month immediately preceding the date -thereof, and (if a male) am a native born or naturalized (as the case -may be) citizen of the United States and a tax payer in this territory. -(Or, if a female) I am native born, or naturalized, or the widow or -daughter (as the case may be) of a native born or naturalized citizen of -the United States. And I do further solemnly swear (or affirm) that I -am not a bigamist or polygamist; that I am not a violater of the laws of -the United States prohibiting bigamy or polygamy; that I do not live or -cohabit with more than one woman in the marriage relation, nor does any -relation exist between me and any woman which has been entered into or -continued in violation of said laws of the United States, prohibiting -bigamy or polygamy, (and if a woman) that I am not the wife of a -polygamist, nor have I entered into any relation with any man in -violation of the laws of the United States concerning polygamy or -bigamy. - -Subscribed and sworn to before me this ------ day of ----------, 1882. -Registration Officer ---------- Precinct. - -It will be seen that at the next election some of the brethren and -sisters in Zion will be disfranchised unless they do some pretty tall -swearing. This is a terrible state of affairs, and the whole civilized -world will feel badly to know that some of our people are going to be -left out in the cold, cold world with no voice and no vote just because -they have been too zealous in the wedlock business. - -Matrimony is a glorious thing, but it can be overdone. A man can become -a victim to the nuptial habit just the same as he can the opium habit. -It then assumes entire control over him, and he has to be chained up -or paralyzed with a club, or he would marry all creation. This law, -therefore, is salutary in its operations. It is intended as a gentle -check on those who have allowed themselves to become matrimony's -maniacs. If we marry one of the daughters of a family, and are happy -over it, is that any reason why we should marry the other daughters and -the old lady and the colored cook? We think not. It is natural for man -to acquire railroads and promissory notes and houses and lands, but he -should not undertake to acquire a corner on the wife trade. - -Hence we say the law is just and must be permitted to take its course, -even though it may disfranchise many of the most prominent pelicans of -the Mormon church. Matrimony in Utah has been allowed to run riot, as -it were. The cruel and relentless hand of this hydra-headed monster has -been laid upon the youngest and the fairest of the Mormon people. - -Matrimony has broken out there in a large family in some instances, and -has not even spared the widowed and toothless mother. It generally seeks -its prey among the youngest and fairest, but in Utah it has not spared -even the old and the infirm. Like a cruel epidemic, it has at first -raked in the blooming maidens of Mormondom and at last spotted the -lantern jawed dregs of foreign female emigration. In one community, this -great scourge entered and took all the women under forty-five, and then -got into a block where there were nineteen old women who didn't average -a tooth apiece, and swept them away like a cyclone. - -People who do not know anything of this great evil, can have no -knowledge of it. Those who have not investigated this question have -certainly failed to look into it. We cannot find out about this question -without ascertaining something of it. - - - - -INCONGRUITY - -|OUR attention has been called recently to an illustration by Hopkins -in a work called Forty Liars, in which a miner is represented as sliding -down a mountain in a gold pan with a handle on it. Mr. Hopkins, no -doubt, labors under a wrong impression of some kind, relative to the -gold pan. He seems to consider the gold pan and the frying pan as -synonymous. In this he is wrong. - -The gold pan is a large low pan without a handle and made of very -different metal from a skillet or frying pan. - -The artist should study as far as possible to imitate nature and not -make a fool of himself. Some artists consider it funny to represent a -farmer milking a cow on the wrong side. They also show the same farmer, -later on, plowing with a plow that turns the furrow over to the left, -another eccentricity of genius. There are many little things like this -that the artist should look into more closely so as not to bust up the -eternal fitness of things. - -We presume that Mr Hopkins would represent a gang of miners working a -placer with giant powder and washing out smelting ore in a tin dipper. -Its pretty hard, though, for an artist who never saw a mining camp, to -sit and watch a New York beer tournament and draw pictures of life in a -mining camp, and people ought not to expect too much. - - - - -RIDING DOWN A MOUNTAIN. - -|GUNNISON CITY is one of the peculiarities of a mining boom. It spreads -out and slops over the plain like a huge camp meeting, but without shape -or beauty. - -The plains there are red and sandy; the trees are not nearer than the -foot-hills; and the city, which claims 5,000 inhabitants, though 3,000 -would, no doubt, be more accurate, is composed of a wide area of ground, -with scattering houses that look lonely in the midst of the desolation. -Mining in Colorado, this season, has not advanced with the wonderful -impetus which characterized it in previous years. Wherever you go, you -hear first one reason, and then another, why good mines are not being -worked. There is trouble among the stock-holders; a game of freeze -out; lack of capital to put in proper machinery, or excessive railroad -freights, to pay which virtually paralyzes the reduction of ore owned by -men too poor to erect the expensive works necessary to the realization -of profit from the mines. - -Returning from Gunnison City, now, you rise at a rate of over 200 feet -to the mile, zig-zagging up the almost perpendicular mountain, near the -summit of which is the Alpine tunnel. As you near the tunnel, there is -a perpendicular and sometimes even a jutting wall above you, hundreds -of feet at your right, while far below you, on your left, is a yellow -streak, which at first you take to be an old mountain trail, but which -you soon discover is the circuitous track over which you have just come. - -Near here, while the road was being built, a fine span of horses balked -on the grade, and like all balky horses, proceeded to back off the road. -The owner got out of the wagon, and told them they could keep that thing -up if they wanted to, but he could not endorse their policy. They kept -backing off until the wagon went over the brink, and then there was a -little scratching of loose stones, the kaleidoscope of legs and hoofs, -a little rush and rumble, and the world was wealthier by one less balky -team. The owner never went down to see where they went to, or how they -lit. He was afraid they would not survive their injuries, so he did not -go down there. Later, the carrion crows and turkey buzzards indicated -where the refractory team had landed; and deep in the mountain gorge the -white bones lie amid the wreck of a lumber wagon, as monuments of equine -folly. - -On Saturday evening we had the pleasure of riding down the dizzy grade -from Hancock, a distance of eighteen miles, at which time we descended -a mile perpendicularly in a push car, with Superintendent Wilbur as -conductor and engineer. A push car is a plain flat-car, about as big as -a dining-table, with four wheels, and nothing to propel it but gravity, -and nothing to stop it but a sharpened piece of two-by-four scantling. -Hancock is near the Alpine tunnel, at the summit of the mountains, -about 11,000 feet high. Secretary Morgan, Mrs. Morgan, with their -little daughter Gertrude; E. A. Slack, of the _Sun_, Frank Clark, of the -_Leader_, Superintendent Wilbur and ourself, constituted the party. - -At first everybody was a little nervous with the accumulating velocity -of the car, and the yawning abyss below us; but later we got more -accustomed to it, and the solemn grandeur of the green pine-covered -canons, the lofty snow-covered peaks, apparently so near us; and the -rushing, foaming torrent far below us, were all we saw. Like lightning -we rounded the sharp curves where the road seemed to hang over instant -destruction, and we held our breath as we thought that, like Dutch -Charlie and other great men, only a piece of two-by-four scantling stood -between us and death. - -Again and again the abrupt curve loomed up ahead, and below us, while we -flew along the narrow gauge at such a pace that we were almost sure the -car would, leave the track before it would round such a point, and each -time the two-by-four went down on the drive wheel with a pressure that -sent up volumes of blue smoke. - -It was a wild, grand ride--so wild and grand in fact that even yet we -wake up at night with a start from a dream in which the same party -is riding down that canon at lightning speed, and Mr. Wilbur, in a -thoughtless moment, has dropped his pine brake overboard! - -Shades of Sam Patch, but wouldn't it scatter the average excurter over -southern Colorado if such a thing should happen some day! Why, the woods -would be full of them, and for years to come, the prospector along Chalk -Creek Canon would find pyrites of editorial poverty, and indications of -collar buttons, and fragments of Archimedean levers, and other mementoes -of the great editorial hegira of 1882. - - - - -CORRALED HIM. - -|LAST May Sheriff Boswell received a postal card from a man up near -Fort McKinney, describing a pair of horses that had just been stolen -and asking that Mr. Boswell would keep his eye peeled for the thief and -arrest him on sight. - -Last week the sheriff discovered the identical team with color, brands -and everything to correspond. He told the driver that he would have -to turn over that team and come along to the bastile. The man stoutly -protested his innocence and claimed that he owned the team, but Boswell -laughed him to scorn and said he often got such games of talk as that -when he arrested horse thieves. - -Just as they were going down into the damp corridors, Judge Blair met -the criminal, recognized him at once and called him by name. It seems -that he was the man who had originally written Boswell, and having found -his horses he had neglected to inform him. Thus, when he came to town -four months afterward, he got snatched. You not only have to call the -officer's attention to a larceny in this country, but it is absolutely -necessary that you call off the sleuth hound of eternal justice when -you have found the property, or you will be gathered in unless you can -identify yourself. Boswell's initials are N. K., and now the boys call -him Nemesis K. Boswell. - -|THE London _Lancet_ upsets the popular theory that abundant hair is -a sign of bodily or mental strength. The fact is, it says, that -notwithstanding the Samson precedent, the Chinese, who are the most -enduring of all races, are mostly bald; and as to the supposition that -long and thick hair is a sign of intellectuality, all antiquity, all -madhouses and all common observation are against it. The easily-wheedled -Esau was hairy. The mighty Caesar was bald. Long haired men are -generally weak and fanatical, and men with scant hair are the -philosophers, and soldiers, and statesmen, of the world. Oscar Wilde, -Theodore Tilton, and others of the long-haired fraternity, should read -these statements with soulful and heart-yearning delight. - -Will the editor of the _Lancet_ please step over to the saloon, opposite -the royal palace, and take something at our expense? Pard, we shake -with you. Count us in also. Reckon us along with Cæsar, and Elijah, and -Aristotle, please. Though young, we can show more polished intellect to -the superficial foot than many who have lived longer than we have. - -Will the editor of the _Lancet_ please put our name on his list of -subscribers and send the bill to us? What we want is a good, live paper -that knows something, and isn't afraid to say it. - -|WE were pained to see a large mule brought into town yesterday with -his side worn away until it looked very thin. It looked as though the -pensive mule had laid down to think over his past life, and being in the -company of seven other able-bodied mules, all of whom were attached to a -government freight wagon going down a mountain, this, particular animal, -while wrapped in a brown study, had been pulled several miles with so -much unction, as it were, that when the train stopped it was found that -this large and highly accomplished mule had worn his side off so thin -that you could see his inmost thoughts. - - - - -FIRMNESS. - -|WHEN we saw him, he looked as though, if he had his life to live over -again, he would select a different time to ponder over his previous -history. Sometimes a mule's firmness causes his teetotal and everlasting -overthrow. - -Firmness is a good thing in its place, but we should early learn that to -be firm, we need not stand up against a cyclone till our eternal economy -is blown into the tops of the neighboring trees. Moral courage is a good -thing, but it is useless unless you have a liver to go along with it. -Sometimes a man is required to lay down his life for his principles, but -the cases where he is expected to lay down his digester on the altar of -his belief, are comparatively seldom. - -We may often learn a valuable lesson from the stubborn mule, and guard -against the too protruberant use of our own ideas in opposition to other -powers against which it is useless to contend. It may be wrong for giant -powder to blow the top of a man's head off without cause, but repealed -contests have proved that even when giant powder is in the wrong, it is -eventually victorious. - -Let us, therefore, while reasonably fixed in our purpose, avoid the -display of a degree of firmness which will scatter us around over two -school districts, and confuse the coroner in his inquest. - - - - -PUT IN A SUMP. - -|THE president of the North Park and Vandaliar Mining Company not long -ago got a letter from the superintendent which closed by saying that -everything was working splendidly. The ore body was increasing, and -the quality and richness of the rock improving with every foot. He also -added that he had constructed a sump in the mine. - -The president having spent most of his life in military and political -affairs, had never found it necessary to use a sump, and so he didn't -know to a dead moral certainty what it was that the superintendent had -put in. - -He hoped, however, that the expense would not cripple the company, -and that by handling it carefully, they might escape damage from an -explosion of the sump at an unlooked-for time. - -He proceeded, however, to examine the unabridged, and found that it -meant a cistern, which is constructed at the bottom of a mine for the -purpose of collecting the water, and from which it is pumped. - -The president, having posted himself, concluded to go and have a little -conversation with one of the directors, who is a druggist in the city, -and see if he knew the nature of a sump. - -The president, in answer to the questions of the director relative to -the latest news from the mine, said that it was looking better all the -time, and that the superintendent had constructed a sump. - -The director never blinked his eye. He acted like a man who has lived on -sumps all his life. - -"Do you know what a sump is?" asked the president. "Why, of course, -anybody knows what a sump is. It's the place where they collect water -from a mine, and pump it from, to free the mine from water. A man who -don't know what a sump is, don't know his business, that's all I've got -to say." - -The president looked hurt about something. He hadn't looked for the -conversation to assume just exactly the shape that it had. Finally he -said, "Well you needn't point your withering sarcasm at me. I know what -a sump is. I just wanted to see whether a man who had been in the pill -business all his life, knew what a sump was. I knew you claimed to know -almost everything, but I didn't believe you was up on that word. Now, if -it's a proper question, I'd like to know just how long you have been so -all-fired fluent about mining terms." - -Then the director said that there was no use in putting on airs, and -swelling up with pride over a little thing like that. He, for one, -didn't propose to crow over other men who had not had the advantages -that he had, and he would be frank with the president, and admit that an -hour ago he didn't know the difference between a sump and a certiorari. - -It seems that a passenger, who had come in on the same coach that -brought in the superintendent's letter, had casually dropped the remark -to the director that Smith had put a sump in the "Endomile," and the -director had lit out for a dictionary without loss of time, so that when -the two great miners got together, they were both proud and confident. -Each was proud because he knew what a sump was, and confident that the -other one didn't know. - - - - -MINING AS A SCIENCE - -|THE study of mining as a science is one which brings with it a quiet -joy, which the novice knows nothing of. In Morrison's Mining Eights we -find the following: - -"If all classes of lode deposits are to be regarded as legally -identical, it follows that where a vein is pinched for a considerable -distance, it is lost to the owner; if its apex is found in the slide, it -can not be located as a lode. - -"The distinction which would relieve these points would be to allow the -dip to such lodes Only as have a _perpendicular base_ and are not on the -nature of _stratigraphical deposits!_ all the inconsistencies apparent -from the previous paragraph are the sequence to any other ruling. - -"If it be alleged that such holdings are not applicable to fissure -veins, at once a distinction is made between the two classes of veins in -their consideration under the act; and if a single distinction in their -legal status be admitted, no reason can be alleged against further -distinctions with reference to their essential points at difference." - -How, few who have not toiled over the long and wearisome works upon -mining as a legal branch of human knowledge, would care a cold, dead -clam, whether such lodes as have perpendicular bases, or those which -have stratigraphical deposits, are to be allowed under the law in -relation to pinched out or intersecting veins. - -But to the student, whose whole life is wrapped up in the investigation -of this beautiful mystery, these logical sequences break upon his mind -with a beautiful effulgence that fills him with unstratified and purely -igneous or nomicaseous joy. - -Reading farther in the thrilling work, above referred to, we find this -little garland of fragrant literary wood violets: - -"Another point to be guarded against in the conveyance of a segregated -portion of a claim on a fissure vein, is, that a line drawn at right -angles to the side lines at the surface, and which is intended as the -dividing fine between the part retained and the part sold, may, when -carried vertically downward, cut off the vein on its dip in such a way -as to divide it, for instance, at the surface. It begins 'at the west -end of discovery shaft,' it may leave the bottom of such shaft entirely -in the west fraction of the lode within a comparatively few feet of -sinking. Such result, or a similar result, will invariably occur where -the vein has a dip, unless the end lines are at an exact right angle to -the strike of the vein." - -Now, however, supposing that, for the sake of argument, the above be -true; but, in addition thereto, a segregation of non-metallic vertically -heterogeneous quartzite in non-conformity to presupposed notions of -horizontal deposits of mineral in place should be agatized and -truncated with diverging lines meeting at the point of intersection and -disappearing with the pinched veins or departing from known proximity -in company with the dividends, we have then to consider whether a winze -coming in at this juncture and pinching out the assessments, would -thereby invalidate tertiary flux, and thereby, in the light of a close -legal examination of the slide, bar out the placer or riparian rights -of contesting parties, or, if so, why in thunder should it not, or -at least, what could be done about it in case the same or a totally -different set of surrounding circumstances should or should not take -place? - - - - -DRAWBACKS OF ROYALTY. - -|IT seems from our late dispatches that the prevailing assassin has -made his appearance in England, and has fired at Her Royal Tallness, the -Queen. The dispatch does not say why the man fired at Victoria, but the -chances are that she at some time in a careless moment refused him the -appointment of Book-keeper to the Queen's Livery Stable Extraordinary, -or neglected to confirm his nomination to the position as Usher -Plenipotentiary to the Royal Bath Room and Knight of the Queen's -Cuspidor. - -Royalty gets it in the nose every day or two, and yet after the family -has hung onto the salary for several centuries it does not occur to -the average king that he could strike a job as humorist on some London -paper, at about the same salary and with none of the annoyances. The -most of those people who have worn a great, heavy cast iron crown, with -diamonds on it as big as a peanut, have become so attached to it that -they can't swear off in a moment. - -We do not see where the orchestra comes in on a thing like that. The -average American would rather sell mining stock, and get wealthy without -a tail on his name and his hair all worn off with a crown two sizes too -large for him, than to be King of the Cannibal Islands with a missionary -baby on toast twice a day. - - - - -ENGLISH HUMOR - -|THE London _Spectator_ says that "the humor of the United States, if -closely examined, will be found to depend in a great measure on -the ascendancy which the principle of utility has gained over the -imaginations of a rather imaginative people." The humor of England, if -closely examined, will be found just about ready to drop over the picket -fence into the arena, but never quite making connections. If we scan -the English literary horizon, we will find the humorist up a tall tree, -depending from a sharp knot thereof by the slack of his overalls. He is -just out of sight at the time you look in that direction. He always has -a man working in his place, however. The man who works in his place -is just paring down the half sole, and newly pegging a joke, that has -recently been sent in by the foreman for repairs. - - - - -ABOUT THE AUTOPSY. - -|WE have been carefully reading and investigating the report of Dr. -Lamb, relative to the anatomical condition of the late remnants of -Charles J. Gluiteau, and also a partial or minority report furnished by -the other two doctors, who got on their ear at the time of the autopsy. -We are permitted to print the fragment of a private letter addressed -personally to the editor from one of these gentlemen, whose name we are -not permitted to use. He says: - -"We found the late lamented, and after looking him over thoroughly, and -removing what works he had inside of him, agreed, almost at once, that -he was dead. This was the only point upon which we agreed. - -"Shortly after we began to remove the internal economy of the deceased, -some little discussion arose between Doc Lamb and myself about the -extravasation of blood in the right pectoralis and the peculiar position -of the dewflicker on the dome of the diaphragm. I made a suggestion -about the causes that had led to this, stating, in my opinion, the -pericarditis had crossed the median line and congested the dewdad. - -"He said it was no such thing, and that I didn't know the difference -between a malpighian capsule and an abdominal viscera. - -"That insulted me, but I held my temper, going on with my work, removing -the gall-bladder and other things, as though nothing had been said. - -"By and by, Lamb said I'd better quit fooling with the pancreas, and -come and help him. Then he advanced a tom-fool theory about an adhesion -of the dura mater to the jib-boom, or some medical rot or other, and I -told him that I thought he was wrong, and I didn't believe deceased -had any dura mater. Lamb flared up then, and struck at me with a bloody -towel. I then grabbed a fragment of liver, and pasted him in the nose. -I don't allow any sawbone upstart to impose on me, if I know it. He then -called me a very opprobrious epithet, indeed, and struck me in the eye -with a kidney. Then the fight became disgraceful, and by the time we -got through, the late lamented was considerably scattered. Here lay -a second-hand lobe of liver, while over there was the apex of a lung -hanging on a gas fixture. It was a pretty lively scrimmage, and made -quite a feeling between us. I still think, however, that I was right in -standing up for my theory, and when an old pelican like Lamb thinks he -can scare me into St. Vitus' dance, he fools himself. The fact is, -he don't know a gall-bladder from the gout, and he couldn't tell a -lobulated tumor from the side of a house. I told him so, too, while I -was putting some court plaster on my nose, after he pasted me with an -old prison bedstead. Lamb would get along better with me if he would -curb his violent temper. I guess he thought so, too, when I broke his -false teeth and jammed them so far back into his oesophagus that he got -blue in the face. I never allow a secondhand horse doctor to impose on -me, if I know it, and it is time Doc Lamb took a grand aborescent tumble -to himself." - -A FEW CALM WORDS. - -|A LONDON paper tells how when a certain Dean of Chester was all ready -to perform a marriage between persons of high standing, the bride was -very late. When she reached the altar, to the question, "Wilt thou take -this man?" she replied in most distinct tones, "I will not." On retiring -with the Dean to the vestry, she explained that her late arrival was -not her fault, and that the bridegroom had accosted her on her arrival -at the church with, "G--d d----n you, if this is the way you begin -you'll find it to to your cost when you're my wife." - -That was no way to open up a honeymoon. They are not doing that way -recently, and in the bon ton and dishabille select and etcetera -society of the more metropolitan cities, such a remark would at once be -considered as outre and Corpus Christi. - -The groom should stop and consider that sometimes the most annoying -accidents occur to a young lady in dressing. Suppose for instance that -in stooping over to button her shoe she breaks a spoke in her corset and -has to send it to the blacksmith shop, do you think that the groom is -justified in kicking over the altar and dragging his affianced up the -aisle by the hair of the head? We would rather suggest that he would -not. There are other distressing accidents which may happen at such -a time to the prospective bride, but we forbear to enter into the -harrowing details. No man with the finer feelings of a gentleman will -ever knock his new wife down in the church and tramp on her, until he -knows to a reasonable degree of certainty that he is right. It may be -annoying, of course, to the groom to stand and look out of the window -for half an hour while the bride is allaying the hemorrhage of a pimple -on her nose with a powder puff, but then, great hemlock! if a man can't -endure that and smile, how will he behave when the clothesline falls -down and the baby gets a kernel of corn up its nose? - -These are questions which naturally occur to the candid and thinking -mind and command our attention. The groom who would swear at his wife -for being a few minutes late at the altar, would kill her and throw her -stiffened remains over into the sheep corral if she allowed the twins to -eat crackers in his bed and scatter the crumbs over his couch. - -Let us look these matters calmly in the face, and not allow ourselves to -drift away into space. - - - - -DON'T LIKE OUR STYLE. - -|OSCAR WILDE closes his remarks about - -America thus: "But it is in the decay of manners that the thoughtful and -well-bred American has cause for regret. I have repeatedly said this, -but I am told in reply: 'We are still a young country, and you must -not be too severe upon us.' 'Yes,' I answer, 'but when your country -was still younger, it's manners were better. They have never been equal -since to what they were in Washington's time, a man whose manners were -irreproachable. I believe a most serious problem for the American people -to consider, is the cultivation of better manners among its people. -It is the most noticeable, the most painful defect in American -civilization." Yes, Oscar, you are, in a measure, correct. Our manners -are a little decayed. So also were the eggs with which you were greeted -in some of our cities. That may have given you a wrong impression as to -our manners and their state of health. We just want to straighten out -any little error of judgment on your part as to American customs, and to -impress upon your mind the fact that the decayed article which, in most -cases you considered our miasma-impregnated etiquette, was what is known -among savants as decayed cabbage. - - - - -MR. T. WILSON. - -|THE gentleman above referred to has accomplished one of the most -remarkable feats known to modern science. Though uneducated, and perhaps -inexperienced, he has attracted toward himself the notice of the world. - -Though he was once a poor boy, unnoticed and unknown, he has risen to -the proud eminence from which, with pride, and covered with glory and -sore places, he may survey the civilized world. He entered upon an -argument with Mr. Sullivan, knowing the mental strength and powers -of his adversary, and yet he never flinched. He stood up before his -powerful antagonist, and acquired a national reputation, and a large -octagonal breadth of black and blue intellect, which are the envy and -admiration of 50,000,000 people. - -This should be a convincing argument to our growing youth of the -possibilities in store for the earnest, untiring and enthusiastic -thumper. It is an example of the wonderful triumph of mind over matter. -It shows how certain intellectual developments may be acquired -almost instantaneously. It demonstrates at once that phrenological -protuberances may be grown more rapidly and more spontaneously than the -scientist has ever been willing to admit. - -A few weeks ago, Tug Wilson was as obscure as the greenback party. Now -he is known from ocean to ocean, and his fame is as universal as is that -of Dr. Tanner, the starvation prima donna of the world. Few men have the -intellectual stamina to withstand the strain of such an argument as -he did, but he left the arena with a collection of knobs and arnica -clustering around his brow, which he justly merited, and the world will -not grudge him this meagre acquisition. It was due to his own exertions -and his own prowess, and there is no American so mean as to wrest it -from him. - -Thousands of our own boys, who to-day are spearing frogs, or bathing in -the rivers of their native land and parading on the shingly beach with -no clothes on to speak of, are left to choose between such a career of -usefulness and greatness of brow, and the hum-drum life of a bilious -student and pale, sad congressman. Will you rise to the proud pinnacle -of fame as a pugilist, boys, or will you plug along as a sorrowing, -overworked statesman? Now, in the spring-time of your lives, choose -between the two, and abide the consequences. - - - - -ETIQUETTE OF THE NAPKIN - -|IT has been stated, and very truly too, that the law of the napkin -is but vaguely understood It may be said, however, on the start, that -custom and good breeding have uttered the decree that it is in poor -taste to put the napkin in the pocket and carry it away. - -The rule of etiquette is becoming more and more thoroughly established, -that the napkin should be left at the house of the host or hostess, -after dinner. - -There has been a good deal of discussion, also, upon the matter of -folding the napkin after dinner, and whether it should be so disposed -of, or negligently tossed into the gravy boat. If, however, it can be -folded easily, and without attracting too much attention and prolonging -the session for several hours, it should be so arranged, and placed -beside the plate, where it may be easily found by the hostess, and -returned to her neighbor from whom she borrowed it for the occasion. If, -however, the lady of the house is not doing her own work, the napkin may -be carefully jammed into a globular wad, and fired under the table, to -convey the idea of utter recklessness and pampered abandon. - -The use of the finger bowl is also a subject of much importance to the -bon ton guest who gorges himself at the expense of his friends. - -The custom of drinking out of the finger bowl, though not entirely -obsolete, has been limited to the extent that good breeding does not now -permit the guest to quaff the water from his finger howl, unless he does -so prior to using it as a finger bowl. - -Thus it will be seen that social customs are slowly but surely cutting -down and circumscribing the rights and privileges of the masses. - -At the court of Eugenie, the customs of the table were very rigid, and -the most prominent guest of H. R. H. was liable to get the G. B. if -he spread his napkin on his lap, and cut his egg in two with a carving -knife. The custom was that the napkin should be hung on one knee, and -the egg busted at the big end and scooped out with a spoon. - -A prominent American, at her table, one day, in an unguarded moment, -shattered the shell of a soft-boiled egg with his knife, and, while -prying it apart, both thumbs were erroneously jammed into the true -inwardness of the fruit with so much momentum that the juice took him in -the eye, thus blinding him and maddening him to such a degree, that -he got up and threw the remnants into the bosom of the hired man -plenipotentiary, who stood near the table, scratching his ear with a -tray. As may readily be supposed, there was a painful interim during -which it was hard to tell for five or six minutes whether the prominent -American or the hired man would come out on top; but at last the -American, with the egg in his eye, got the ear of the high-priced hired -man in among his back teeth, and the honor of our beloved flag was -vindicated. - - - - -AN INFERNAL MACHINE. - -|A SINGULAR thing occurred in England the other day, and in view of its -truth, and also in order that the American side of the affair may be -shown in the correct light, we give the facts as they occurred, having -obtained our information directly from the parties who were implicated -in the affair. We hesitate to take hold of the subject, but our duty to -the American people demands some action, and we do not falter. - -During the past winter there arrived in London a suspicious-looking -metallic box, with a peculiar thumb-screw or button on the top. It was -sent by mail, and was addressed to a prominent land owner. This -gentleman had been on the watch for some explosive machine for some -time, and when it was brought to him, he at once turned it over to the -authorities for investigation. The police force, detective force and -chemists were called in, and requested to ascertain the nature of the -infernal machine, and, if possible, where it came from. - -Experts examined the box, and, with the aid of a cord attached to -the suspicious button on top, pulled open the metallic box without -explosion. The substance contained therein, was of a dark color, with a -strong smell of ammonia. All kinds of tests were made by the experts, in -order to ascertain of what kind of combustible it was composed. The odor -was carefully noted, as well as the taste, and then there was a careful -chemical analysis made, which was barren of result. In the midst of -the general alarm, the London papers, with large scare-heads and -astonishers, gave full and elaborate reports of the attempt upon the -life of a prominent man, through the agency of a new and very peculiar -machine, loaded with an explosive, of which scientists could gain no -knowledge or information whatever. - -It looked as though the assassin was far in advance of science, or at -least of professional chemists, and the matter was about to be given up -in despair, when the following letter arrived from San Antonio, Texas, -United States of America: - -"My Dear Sir:--I sent you by a recent mail, prepaid, a small metallic -box of bat guano, from the caves of Texas, for analysis and experiment. -Please acknowledge receipt of saine. - -"Morton Frewen." - -Then the experts went home. They felt as though science had done all it -could in this case, and they needed rest, and perfect calm, and change -of scene. They hadn't seen their families for some time, and they wanted -to go home and get acquainted with their wives. They didn't ask for -any pay for their services. They just said it was in the interest of -science, and they couldn't have the heart to charge anything for it. One -chemist started off without his umbrella, and never went back after it. - -When he got home he was troubled with nausea, and they had to feed him -on cracker toast for several weeks. - -We tell this incident simply to vindicate America. The London papers -did not give all the proceedings, and we feel it our duty to place the -United States upon a square footing with England in this matter. Of -course it is a little tough on the experts, but when we know our duty -to our magnificent country and the land that gave us birth, there is no -earthly power we fear, no terrestrial snoozer who can deter us from its -performance. - - - - -THE CODFISH. - -|THIS tropical bird very seldom wings his way so far west as Wyoming. -He loves the sea breezes and humid atmosphere of the Atlantic ocean, and -when isolated in this mountain clime, pines for his native home. - -The codfish cannot sing, but is prized for his beautiful plumage and -seductive odor. - -The codfish of commerce is devoid of digestive apparatus, and is more or -less permeated with salt. - -Codfish on toast is not as expensive as quail on toast. - -The codfish ball is made of the shattered remains of the adult codfish, -mixed with the tropical Irish potato of commerce. - -The codfish has a great wealth of glad, unfettered smile. When he laughs -at anything, he has that same wide waste of mirth and back teeth that -Mr. Talmage has. The Wyoming codfish is generally dead. Death, in most -cases, is the result of exposure and loss of appetite. No one can look -at the codfish of commerce, and not shed a tear. Far from home, with his -system filled with salt, while his internal economy is gone, there is an -air of sadness and homesickness and briny hopelessness about him that no -one can see unmoved. - -It is in our home life, however, that the codfish makes himself felt -and remembered. When he enters our household, we feel his all pervading -presence, like the perfume of wood violets, or the seductive odor of a -dead mouse in the piano. - -Friends may visit us and go away, to be forgotten with the advent of -a new face; but the cold, calm, silent corpse of the codfish cannot be -forgotten. Its chastened influence permeates the entire ranch. It steals -into the parlor, like an unbidden guest, and flavors the costly curtains -and the high-priced lambrequins. It enters the dark closet and dallies -lovingly with your swallowtail coat. It goes into your sleeping -apartment, and makes its home in your glove box and your handkerchief -case. - -That is why we say that it is a solemn thing to take the life of a -codfish. We would not do it. We would pass him by, a thousand times, no -matter how ferocious he might be, rather than take his life, and have -our once happy home haunted forever by his unholy presence. - - - - -HIS AGED MOTHER. - -|AN exchange says that "the James boys had a morose and ugly -disposition." This may be regarded as authentic. The James boys were not -only morose, but they were at times irritable and even boorish. Some of -their acts would seem to savor of the most coarse and rude of impulses. -Jesse James at different times killed over fifty men. This would show -that his disposition must have been soured by some great sorrow. A -person who fills the New Jerusalem with people, or kills a majority of -the republican voters of a precinct, or the entire board of directors -of a national bank, or who remorselessly kills all the first-class -passengers on a through train, just because he feels crochety and -disagreeable, must be morose and sullen in his disposition. No man, who -is healthy and full of animal spirits, could massacre the ablebodied -voters of a whole village, unless he felt cross and taciturn naturally. - -There should have been a post mortem examination of Mr. James to -determine what was the matter with him. We were in favor of a post -mortem examination of Mr. James twelve years ago, but there seemed to be -a feeling of reluctance on the part of the authorities about holding it. -No one seemed to doubt the propriety of such a movement, but there was -a kind of vague hesitation by the proper officials on account of his -mother. There has been a vast amount of thoughtfulness manifested by -the Missouri people on behalf of Jesse's mother. For nearly twenty years -they have put off the post mortem examination of Mr. James, because they -knew that his mother would feel wretched and gloomy when she saw her son -with his vitals in one market basket, and his vertebræ in another. The -American people hate like sin to step in between a mother and her child, -and create unpleasant sensations. - -Mr. Pinkerton was the most considerate. At first he said he would hold -an autopsy on Mr. James right away, but it consumed so much time holding -autopsies on his detectives, that he postponed Jesse's post mortem for -a long time. He also hoped that after the lapse of years, may be, Mr. -James would become enfeebled so that he could steal up behind him, some -night, and stun him with a Chicago pie; but Jesse seemed vigorous, up to -a late date, and out of respect for his aged mother, the Chicago sleuth -hounds of justice have spared him. - -Detectives are sometimes considered hardhearted and unloving in their -natures, but this is not the case. Very few of them can bear to witness -the shedding of blood, especially their own blood. Sometimes they find -it necessary to kill a man in order to restore peace to the country, but -they very rarely kill a man like James. This is partly due to the fact -that they hate to cut a man like that right down, before he has a chance -to repent. They are prone to give him probation, and yet another chance -to turn. Still, there are lots of mean, harsh, unthinking people who do -not give the detectives credit for this. - - - - -BUSINESS LETTERS. - -|ALL business letters, as a rule, demand some kind of an answer, -especially those containing money. To neglect the reply to a letter is -an insult, unless the letter failed to contain a stamp. In your reply, -first acknowledge the receipt of the letter, then the receipt of the -money, whatever it is. - -Letters asking for money or the payment of a bill, may be postponed from -time to time if necessary. No man should reply to such a letter while -angry. If the amount is small and you are moderately hot, wait two days. -If the sum is quite large and you are tempted to write an insulting -letter, wait two weeks, or until you have thoroughly cooled down. - -Business letters should be written on plain, neat paper, with your name -and business neatly printed at the top by the Boomekang job printer. - -Letters from railroad companies referring to important improvements, -etc., etc., should contain pass, not for publication, but as a guarantee -of good faith. - -Neat and beautiful penmanship is very desirable in business -correspondence, but it is most important that you should not spell God -with a little g or codfish with a k. Ornamental penmanship is good, but -it will not take the cuss off if you don't know how to spell. - -Read your letter over carefully after you have written it, if you can; -if not, send it with an apology about the rush of business. - -In ordering goods, state whether you will remit soon or whether the -account should be placed in the refrigerator. - - - - -DANGER OF GARDENING. - -|A COLORADO book agent writes us about as follows: - -"For some time past it has been my desire to insure my life for the -benefit of my family, but I knew the public sentiment so well that I -feared it could not be done. I knew that there was a deep and bitter -enmity against book agents, which I found had pervaded the insurance -world to such an extent that I would be unable to obtain insurance at a -reasonable premium. - -"The popular belief is that book agents are shot on sight and their -mangled bodies thrown into the tall grass or fed to the coyotes. - -"I found, however, that I could get my life insured for two thousand -dollars by paying a premium of twelve dollars per year, as a book agent. -This was far better than anything I had ever looked for. The question -arose as to whether I worked in my garden or not, and I was forced to -admit that I did. It ought to reduce the premium if a man works in his -garden, and thus, by short periods of vigorous exercise, prolongs his -life, but it don't seem to be that way. They charged me an additional -three dollars on the premium, because I toiled a little among my pet -rutabagas. - -"I don't know what the theory is about this matter. Perhaps the company -labors under the impression that a thousand-legged worm might crawl into -my ear and kill me, or a purple-top turnip might explode and knock my -brains out. - -"Of course, in the midst of life we are in death, but I always used to -think I was safer mashing my squash-bugs and hoeing my blue-eyed beans -than when I was on the road, dodging bulldogs and selling books. - -"Perhaps some amateur gardener, in a careless moment, at some time or -other, has been stabbed in the diaphragm by a murderous radish, or a -watermelon may have stolen up to some man, in years gone by, and brained -him with part of a picket fence. There must be statistics somewhere -by which the insurance companies have arrived at this high rate on -gardeners. If you know anything of this matter, I wish you would write -me, for if hoeing sweet corn and cultivating string beans is going to -sock me into an early grave I want to know it." - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Baled Hay, by Bill Nye - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BALED HAY *** - -***** This file should be named 50699-8.txt or 50699-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/0/6/9/50699/ - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Baled Hay - A Drier Book than Walt Whitman's "Leaves o' Grass" - -Author: Bill Nye - -Illustrator: F. Opper - -Release Date: December 15, 2015 [EBook #50699] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BALED HAY *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - - - - - -</pre> - - <div style="height: 8em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h1> - BALED HAY - </h1> - <h2> - By Bill Nye - </h2> - <h4> - A Drier Book than Walt Whitman's "Leaves o' Grass." - </h4> - <h4> - Author of "Bill Nye and Boomerang," "Forty Liars and Other Lies," - "Goose-Neck Smith," "How Came Your Eye Out, and Your Nose Not Skun?" Etc., - Etc., Etc. - </h4> - <h3> - <i>Heap cold day when Melican man no lite em blook</i>.—AH SIN. - </h3> - <h2> - Illustrated by F. Opper, of "Puck" - </h2> - <h4> - Chicago. New York, San Francisco: - </h4> - <h4> - Belford, Clarke & Co - </h4> - <h3> - 1884 - </h3> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%"> - <img src="images/cover.jpg" alt="cover " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/cover.jpg"><i>Original</i></a> - </h5> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0007.jpg" alt="0007 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0007.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0009.jpg" alt="0009 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0009.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <p> - <b>CONTENTS</b> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> DEDICATION. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> BALED HAY </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> GREELEY AID RUM. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> ABOUT SAW MILLS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> EXPERIMENTS WITH OLD CHEESE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> THE RAG-CARPET. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> ONE KIND OF A BOY. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> THE CHAMPION MEAN MAN. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> FRATERNAL SPARRING. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> CHIPETA'S ADDRESS TO THE UTES. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> BILL NYE'S CAT. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> AUTUMN THOUGHTS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> THE MAN WHO INTERRUPTS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> THE ROCKY MOUKTAIN COW. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> PRESERVING EGGS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> HUMAN' NATURE ON THE HALF-SHELL. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> TOO CONTIGUOUS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> THE AMENDE HONORABLE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> JOAQUIN AND JUNIATA. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> SOME VAGUE THOUGHTS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> THE YOUMORIST. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> MY CABINET. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> HEALTH FOOD. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> PINES FOE HIS OLD HOME </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> ONE TOUCH OF NATURE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0026"> HOW TO PUT UP A STOVE-PIPE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> FUN OF BEING A PUBLISHER. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> LINGERIE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> FRUIT. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0030"> THE BONE OF CONTENTION. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0031"> CONGRATULATORY. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0032"> THE AGONY IS OVER. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0033"> OSTRICH CAVALRY. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0034"> AN ELECTRIC BELT. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0035"> THE ANNUAL WAIL </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0036"> HE WAS NOT A BURGLAR. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0037"> BEST ON, BLESSED MEMORY. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0038"> GENIUS AND WHISKY. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0039"> THE TWO-HEADED GIRL </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0040"> THE CULTIVATION OF GUM. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0041"> WE HAVE REASONED IT OUT. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0042"> CARVING SCHOOLS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0043"> DIGNITY. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0044"> ALWAYS BOOM AT THE TOP. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0045"> INACCURATE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0046"> THE WESTERN "CHAP." </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0047"> AN INCIDENT OF THE CAMPAIGN. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0048"> WHY DO THEY DO IT? </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0049"> TWO STYLES. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0050"> GOSHALLHEMLOCK SALVE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0051"> THE STAGE BALD-HEAD. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0052"> FATHERLY WORDS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0053"> THE GOOD TIME COMING. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0054"> MANIA FOR MARKING CLOTHES. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0055"> REGARDING THE NOSE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0056"> SOMETHING TOO MUCH OF THIS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0057"> COLOR BLINDNESS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0058"> IS DUELING MURDER? </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0059"> HEAP GONE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0060"> THE EDITORIAL LAMP. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0061"> DIFFICULT TO IDENTIFY. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0062"> THE MAROON SAUSAGE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0063"> TESTIMONIALS OF REGARD. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0064"> THE CHINESE COMPOSITOR </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0065"> SNOWED UNDER </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0066"> ROUGH ON OSCAR. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0067"> THE POSTAL CARD. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0068"> WHY WE ARE NOT GAY. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0069"> SCIENTIFIC. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0070"> THE REVELATION RACKET IN UTAH. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0071"> SAGE BRUSH TONIC. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0072"> LAME FROM HIS BERTH. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0073"> THE PUBLIC PRINTER. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0075"> SAD DESTRUCTION. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0076"> THE IMMEDIATE REVOLTER </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0077"> THE SECRET OF HEALTH. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0078"> HOUSEHOLD RECIPES. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0079"> WHAT IS LITERATURE? </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0080"> THE PREVIOUS HOTEL. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0081"> ANECDOTE OF SPOTTED TAIL. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0082"> THE ZEALOUS VOTER. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0083"> HOW TO PRESERVE TEETH </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0084"> MR. BEECHER'S BRAIN. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0085"> OH, NO! </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0086"> THE MARCH OF CIVILIZATION. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0087"> AN UNCLOUDED WELCOME. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0088"> THE PILLOW-SHAM HOLDER. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0089"> SOMETHING FRESH. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0090"> YANKED TO ETERNITY. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0091"> WHY WE SHED THE SCALDING. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0092"> ANOTHER SUGGESTION. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0093"> PISCATORIAL AND EDITORIAL </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0094"> ANOTHER FEATHERED SONGSTER </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0096"> ABOUT THE OSTRICH </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0098"> TOO MUCH GOD AND NO FLOUR. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0099"> WE ARE GETTING CYNICAL </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0100"> ASK US SOMETHING DIFFICULT. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0101"> THE MIMIC STAGE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0102"> DECLINE OF AMERICAN HUMOR </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0103"> CHICAGO CUSTOM HOUSE </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0104"> FOREIGN OPINION </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0105"> THEY HAVE CURBED THEIR WOE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0106"> HUNG BY REQUEST. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0107"> THE MELVILLES. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0108"> MENDING BROKEN NECKS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0109"> ARE YOU A MORMON? </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0110"> CAUTION. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0111"> POISONS AND THEIR ANECDOTES. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0112"> CORRESPONDENCE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0113"> WHAT THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY NEEDS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0114"> TABLE MANNERS OF CHILDREN. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0115"> WHAT IT MEANT. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0116"> VOTERS IN UTAH. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0117"> INCONGRUITY </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0118"> RIDING DOWN A MOUNTAIN. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0119"> CORRALED HIM. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0120"> FIRMNESS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0121"> PUT IN A SUMP. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0122"> MINING AS A SCIENCE </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0123"> DRAWBACKS OF ROYALTY. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0124"> ENGLISH HUMOR </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0125"> ABOUT THE AUTOPSY. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0126"> DON'T LIKE OUR STYLE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0127"> MR. T. WILSON. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0128"> ETIQUETTE OF THE NAPKIN </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0129"> AN INFERNAL MACHINE. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0130"> THE CODFISH. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0131"> HIS AGED MOTHER. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0132"> BUSINESS LETTERS. </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0133"> DANGER OF GARDENING. </a> - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - DEDICATION. - </h2> - <h3> - TO MY WIFE: - </h3> - <p> - Who has courteously and heroically laughed at my feeble and emaciated - jokes, even when she did not feel like it; who has again and again started - up and agitated successfully the flagging and reluctant applause, who has - courageously held my coat through this trying ordeal, and who, even now, - as I write this, is in the front yard warning people to keep off the - premises until I have another lucid interval, - </p> - <p> - This Volume is Affectionately Inscribed, - </p> - <h3> - BY THE - </h3> - <h3> - AUTHOR. - </h3> - <h3> - PIAZZA TO THE THIRD VOLUME. - </h3> - <p> - There can really be no excuse for this last book of trite and beautiful - sayings. I do not attempt, in any way, to palliate this great wrong. I - would not do so even if I had an idea what palliate meant. - </p> - <p> - It will, however, add one more to the series of books for which I am to - blame, and the pleasure of travel will be very much enhanced, for me, at - least. - </p> - <p> - There is one friend I always meet on the trains when I travel. He is the - news agent. He comes to me with my own books in his arms, and tells me - over and over again of their merits. He means it, too. What object could - he have in coming to me, not knowing who I am, and telling me of their - great worth? Why would he talk that way to me if he did not really feel - it? - </p> - <p> - That is one reason I travel so much. When 1 get gloomy and heartsick, I - like to get on a train and be assured once more, by a total stranger, that - my books have never been successfully imitated. - </p> - <p> - Some authors like to have a tall man, with a glazed grip-sack, and whose - breath is stronger than his intellect, selling their works; but I do not - prefer that way. - </p> - <p> - I like the candor and ingenuousness of the train-boy. He does not come to - the front door while you are at prayers, and ring the bell till the - hat-rack falls down, and then try to sell you a book containing 2,000 - receipts for the blind staggers. He leans gently over you as you look out - the car window, and he puts some pecan meats in your hand, and thus wins - your trusting heart. Then he sells you a book, and takes an interest in - you. - </p> - <p> - This book will go to swell the newsboy's armful, and if there be any - excuse, under the sun, for its publication, aside from the royalty; that - is it. - </p> - <p> - I have taken great care to thoroughly eradicate anything that would have - the appearance of poetry in this work, and there is not a thought or - suggestion contained in it that would soil the most delicate fabric. - </p> - <p> - Do not read it all at once, however, in order to see whether he married - the girl or not. Take a little at a time, and it will cure gloom on the "<i>similia - simili-bus curanter</i>" principle. If you read it all at once, and it - gives you the heaves, I am glad of it, and you deserve it. I will not bind - myself to write the obituary of such people. - </p> - <p> - Hudson, Wis., Sept, 5,1883. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - BALED HAY - </h2> - <h3> - A NOVEL NOVELETTE - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> NEVER wrote a - novel, because I always thought it required more of a mashed-rasp-berry - imagination than I could muster, but I was the business manager, once, for - a year and a half, of a little two-bit novelette that has never been - published. - </p> - <p> - I now propose to publish it, because I cannot keep it to myself any - longer. - </p> - <p> - Allow me, therefore, to reminisce. - </p> - <p> - Harry Bevans was an old schoolmate of mine in the days of and although - Bevans was not his sure-enough name, it will answer for the purposes - herein set forth. At the time of which I now speak he was more bashful - than a book agent, and was trying to promote a cream-colored mustache and - buff "Donegals" on the side. - </p> - <p> - Suffice it to say that he was madly in love with Fanny Buttonhook, and too - bashful to say so by telephone. - </p> - <p> - Her name wasn't Buttonhook, but I will admit it for the sake of argument. - Harry lived over at Kalamazoo, we will say, and Fanny at Oshkosh. These - were not the exact names of the towns, but I desire to bewilder the public - a little in order to avoid any harassing disclosures in the future. It is - always well enough, I find, to deal gently will those who are alive and - moderately muscular. - </p> - <p> - Young Bevans was not specially afraid of old man Buttonhook, or his wife. - He didn't dread the enraged parent worth a cent. He wasn't afraid of - anybody under the cerulean dome, in fact, except Miss Buttonhook; but when - she sailed down the main street, Harry lowered his colors and dodged into - the first place he found open, whether it was a millinery store or a - livery stable. - </p> - <p> - Once, in an unguarded moment, he passed so near her that the gentle south - wind caught up the cherry ribbon that Miss Buttonhook wore at her throat, - and slapped Mr. Bevans across the cheek with it before he knew what ailed - him. There was a little vision of straw hat, brown hair, and - pink-and-white cuticle, as it were, a delicate odor of violets, the - "swish" of a summer silk, and my friend, Mr. Bevans, put his hand to his - head, like a man who has a sun-stroke, and fell into a drug store and a - state of wild mash, ruin and helpless chaos. - </p> - <p> - His bashfulness was not seated nor chronic. It was the varioloid, and - didn't hurt him only when Miss Buttonhook was present, or in sight. He was - polite and chatty with other girls, and even dared to be blithe and gay - sometimes, too, but when Frances loomed up in the distance, he would climb - a rail fence nine feet high to evade her. - </p> - <p> - He told me once that he wished I would erect the frame-work of a letter to - Fanny, in which he desired to ask that he might open up a correspondence - with her. He would copy and mail it, he said, and he was sure that I, - being a disinterested party, would be perfectly calm. - </p> - <p> - I wrote a letter for him, of which I was moderately proud. It would melt - the point on a lightning rod, it seemed to me, for it was just as full of - gentleness and poetic soothe as it could be, and Tupper, Webster's - Dictionary and my scrap-book had to give down first rate. Still it was - manly and square-toed. It was another man's confession, and I made it - bulge out with frankness and candor. - </p> - <p> - As luck would have it, I went over to Oshkosh about the time Harry's prize - epistle reached that metropolis, and having been a confidant of Miss B's - from early childhood, I had the pleasure of reading Bev's letter, and - advising the young lady about the correspondence. - </p> - <p> - Finally a bright thought struck her. She went over to an easy chair, and - sat down on her foot, coolly proposing that I should outline a letter - replying to Harry's, in a reserved and rather frigid manner, yet bidding - him dare to hope that if his orthography and punctuation continued - correct, he might write occasionally, though it must be considered - entirely <i>sub rosa</i> and abnormally <i>entre nous</i> on account of - "Pa." - </p> - <p> - By the way, "Pa" was a druggist, and one of the salts of the earth—Epsom - salts, of course. - </p> - <p> - I agreed to write the letter, swore never to reveal the secret workings of - the order, the grips, explanations, passwords and signals, and then wrote - her a nice, demure, startled-fawn letter, as brief as the collar to a - party dress, and as solemn as the Declaration of Independence. - </p> - <p> - Then I said good-by, and returned to my own home, which was neither in - Kalamazoo nor Oshkosh. There I received a flat letter from 'William Henry - Bevans, inclosing one from Fanny, and asking for suggestions as to a - reply. Her letter was in Miss Buttonhook's best vein. I remember having - written it myself. - </p> - <p> - Well, to cut a long story short, every other week I wrote a letter for - Fanny, and on intervening weeks I wrote one for the lover at Kalamazoo. By - keeping copies of all letters written, I had a record showing where I was, - and avoided saying the same pleasant things twice. - </p> - <p> - Thus the short, sweet summer scooted past. The weeks were filled with - gladness, and their memory even now comes back to me, like a - wood-violet-scented vision. A wood-violet-scented vision comes high, but - it is necessary in this place. - </p> - <p> - Toward winter the correspondence grew a little tedious, owing to the fact - that I had a large, and tropical boil on the back of my neck, which - refused to declare its intentions or come to a focus for three weeks. In - looking over the letters of both lovers yesterday, I could tell by the - tone of each just where this boil began to grow up, as it were, between - two fond hearts. - </p> - <p> - This feeling grew till the middle of December, when there was a red-hot - quarrel. It was exciting and spirited, and after I had alternately - flattered myself first from Kalamazoo and then from Oshkosh, it was a - genuine luxury to have a row with myself through the medium of the United - States mails. - </p> - <p> - Then I made up and got reconciled. I thought it would be best to secure - harmony before the holidays so that Harry could go over to Oshkosh and - spend Christmas. I therefore wrote a letter for Harry in which he said he - had, no doubt, been hasty, and he was sorry. It should not occur again. - The days had been like weary ages since their quarrel, he said—vicariously, - of course—and the light had been shut out of his erstwhile joyous - life. Death would be a luxury unless she forgave him, and Hades would be - one long, sweet picnic and lawn festival unless she blessed him with her - smile. - </p> - <p> - You can judge how an old newspaper reporter, with a scarlet imagination, - would naturally dash the color into another man's picture of humility and - woe. - </p> - <p> - She replied—by proxy—that he was not to blame. It was her - waspish temper and cruel thoughtlessness. She wished he would come over - and take dinner with them on Christmas day and she would tell him how - sorry she was. When the man admits that he's a brute and the woman says - she's sorry, it behooves the eagle eye of the casual spectator to look up - into the blue sky for a quarter of an hour, till the reconciliation has - had a chance and the brute has been given time to wipe a damp sob from his - coat-collar. - </p> - <p> - I was invited to the Christmas dinner. As a successful reversible - amanuensis I thought I deserved it. I was proud and happy. I had passed - through a lover's quarrel and sailed in with whitewinged peace on time, - and now I reckoned that the second joint, with an irregular fragment of - cranberry jelly, and some of the dressing, and a little of the white meat - please, was nothing more than right. - </p> - <p> - Mr. Bevans forgot to be bashful twice during the day, and even smiled once - also. He began to get acquainted with Fanny after dinner, and praised her - beautiful letters. She blushed clear up under her "wave," and returned the - compliment. - </p> - <p> - That was natural. When he praised her letters I did not wonder, and when - she praised his I admitted that she was eminently correct. I never - witnessed better taste on the part of two young and trusting hearts. - </p> - <p> - After Christmas I thought they would both feel like buying a manual and - doing their own writing, but they did not dare to do so evidently. They - seemed to be afraid the change would be detected, so I piloted them into - the middle of the succeeding fall, and then introduced the crisis into - both their lives. - </p> - <p> - It was a success. - </p> - <p> - I felt about as well as though I were to be cut down myself, and married - off in the very prime of life. Fanny wore the usual clothing adopted by - young ladies who are about to be sacrificed to a great horrid man. I - cannot give the exact description of her trousseau, but she looked like a - hazel-eyed angel, with a freckle on the bridge of her nose. The groom - looked a little scared, and moved his gloved hands as though they weighed - twenty-one pounds apiece. - </p> - <p> - However, it's all over now. I was up there recently to see them. They are - quite happy. Not too happy, but just happy enough. They call their oldest - son Birdie. I wanted them to call him William, but they were headstrong - and named him Birdie. That wounded my pride, and so I called him Earlie - Birdie. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - GREELEY AID RUM. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>HEN I visit - Greeley I am asked over and over again as to the practical workings of - woman suffrage in Wyoming, and when I go back to Wyoming I am asked how - prohibition works practically in Greeley, Col. By telling varied and - pleasing lies about both I manage to have a good deal of fun, and also - keep the two elements on the anxious seat. - </p> - <p> - There are two sides to both questions, and some day when I get time and - have convalesced a little more, I am going to write a large book relating - to these two matters. At present I just want to say a word about the - colony which bears the name of the Tribune philosopher, and nestles so - lovingly at the chilly feet of the Rocky mountains. As I write, Greeley is - apparently an oasis in the desert. It looks like a fertile island dropped - down from heaven in a boundless stretch of buffalo grass, sage hens and - cunning little prairie dogs. And yet you could not come here as a - stranger, and within the colonial barbed wire fence, procure a bite of - cold rum if you were President of the United States, with a rattlesnake - bite as large as an Easter egg concealed about your person. You can, - however, become acquainted, if you are of a social nature and keep your - eyes open. - </p> - <p> - I do not say this because I have been thirsty these few past weeks and - just dropped on the game, as Aristotle would say, but just to prove that - men are like boys, and when you tell them they can't have any particular - thing, that is the thing they are apt to desire with a feverish yearn. - That is why the thirstful man in Maine drinks from the gas fixture; why - the Kansas drinkist gets his out of a rain-water barrel, and why other - miracles too numerous to mention are performed. - </p> - <p> - Whisky is more bulky and annoying to carry about in the coat-tail pocket - than a plug of tobacco, but there have been cases where it was - successfully done. I was shown yesterday a little corner that would hold - six or eight bushels. It was in the wash-room of a hotel, and was about - half full. So were the men who came there, for before night the entire - place was filled with empty whisky bottles of every size, shape and smell. - The little fat bottle with the odor of gin and livery stable was there, - and the large flat bottle that you get at Evans, four miles away, - generally filled with something that tastes like tincture of capsicum, - spirits of ammonia and lingering death, is also represented in this great - congress of cosmopolitan bottles sucked dry and the cork gnawed half up. - </p> - <p> - When I came to Greeley, I was still following the course of treatment - prescribed by my Laramie City physician, and with the rest, I was required - to force down three adult doses of brandy per day. He used to taste the - prescription at times to see if it had been properly compounded. Shortly - after my arrival here I ran out of this remedy and asked a friend to go - and get the bottle refilled. He was a man not familiar with Greeley in its - moisture-producing capacity, and he was unable to procure the vile demon - in the town for love or wealth. The druggist even did not keep it, and - although he met crowds of men with tears in their eyes and breath like a - veteran bung-starter, he had to go to Evans for the required opiate. This - I use externally, now, on the vagrant dog who comes to me to be fondled - and who goes away with his hair off. Central Colorado is full of partially - bald dogs who have wiped their wet, cold noses on me, not wisely but too - well. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ABOUT SAW MILLS. - </h2> - <h3> - River Falls, Wis., May 80. - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> HAVE just - returned from a trip up the North Wisconsin railway, where I went to catch - a string of codfish, and anything else that might be contagious. The trip - was a pleasant one and productive of great good in many ways. I am - hardening myself to railway traveling, like Timberline Jones' man, so that - I can stand the return journey to Laramie in July. - </p> - <p> - Northern Wisconsin is the place where the "foreign lumber" comes from - which we use in Laramie in the erection of our palatial residences. I - visited the mill last week that furnished the lumber used in the Oasis - hotel at Greeley. They yank a big wet log into that mill and turn it into - cash as quick as a railroad man can draw his salary out of the pay car. - The log is held on a carriage by means of iron dogs while it is being - worked into lumber. These iron dogs are not like those we see on the front - steps of a brown stone house occasionally. They are another breed of dogs. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0027.jpg" alt="0027 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0027.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - The managing editor of the mill lays out the log in his mind, and works it - into dimension stuff, shingle holts, slabs, edgings, two by fours, two by - eights, two by sixes, etc., so as to use the goods to the best advantage, - just as a woman takes a dress pattern and cuts it so she won't have to - piece the front breadths, and will still have enough left to make a - polonaise for the last-summer gown. - </p> - <p> - I stood there for a long time watching the various saws and listening to - their monotonous growl, and wishing that I had been born a successful - timber thief instead of a poor boy without a rag to my back. - </p> - <p> - At one of these mills, not long ago, a man backed up to get away from the - carriage, and thoughtlessly backed against a large saw that was revolving - at the rate of about 200 times a minute. The saw took a large chew of - tobacco from the plug he had in his pistol pocket, and then began on him. - </p> - <p> - But there's no use going into details. Such things are not cheerful. They - gathered him up out of the sawdust and put him in a nail keg and carried - him away, but he did not speak again. Life was quite extinct. Whether it - was the nervous shock that killed him, or the concussion of the cold saw - against his liver that killed him, no one ever knew. - </p> - <p> - The mill shut down a couple of hours so that the head sawyer could file - his saw, and then work was resumed once more. - </p> - <p> - We should learn from this never to lean on the buzz saw when it moveth - itself aright. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - EXPERIMENTS WITH OLD CHEESE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> RECENT article in - a dairy paper is entitled, "Experiments with Old Cheese." We have - experimented some on the venerable cheese, too. One plan is to administer - chloroform first, then perform the operation while the cheese is under its - influence. This renders the experiment entirely painless, and at the same - time it is more apt to keep quiet. After the operation the cheese may be - driven a few miles in the open air, which will do away with the effects of - the chloroform. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE RAG-CARPET. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>ITH the threatened - eruption of the rag carpet as a kind of venerable successor to the genuine - Boston-made Turkish rug, there comes a wail on the part of the male - portion of humanity, and a protest on the part of all health-loving - humanity. - </p> - <p> - I rise at this moment as the self-appointed representative of poor, - down-trodden and long-suffering man. Already lady friends are looking with - avaricious and covetous eyes on my spring suit, and, in fancy, - constructing a stripe of navy blue, while some other man's spring clothes - are already spotted for the "hit-or-miss" stripe of this time-honored - humbug. - </p> - <p> - It does seem to me that there is enough sorrowing toil going for nothing - already; enough of back ache and delirium, without tearing the shirts off - a man's back to sew into a big ball, and then weave into a rag carpet made - to breathe death and disease, with its prehistoric perspiration and its - modern drug store dyes. - </p> - <p> - The rug now commonly known as the Turkish prayer rug, has a sad, worn - look, but it does not come up to the rag carpet of the dear old home. - </p> - <p> - Around it there clusters, perhaps, a tradition of an Oriental falsehood, - but the rag carpet of the dear old home, rich in association, is an - heir-loom that passes down from generation to generation, like the horse - blanket of forgotten years or the ragbag of the dear, dead past. Here is - found the stripe of all-wool delaine that was worn by one who is now in - the golden hence, or, stricken with the Dakota fever, living in the - squatter's home; and there is the fragment of underclothes prematurely - jerked from the back of the husband and father before the silver of a - century had crept into his hair. There is no question but the dear old rag - carpet, with poisonous greens and sickly yellows and brindle browns and - doubtful blacks, is a big thing. It looks kind of modest and unpretending, - and yet speaks of the dead past, and smells of the antique and the garret. - </p> - <p> - It represents the long months when aching fingers first sewed the - garments, then the first dash of gravy on the front breadth, the maddening - cry, the wild effort to efface it with benzine, the sorrowful defeat, the - dusty grease-spot standing like a pork-gravy plaque upon the face of the - past, the glad relinquishment of the garment, the attack of the rag-carpet - fiend upon it, the hurried crash as it was torn into shreds and sewn - together, then the mad plunge of the dust-powdered mass into the reeking - bath of Paris green or copperas, then the weaver's gentle racket, and at - last the pale, consumptive, freckled, sickly panorama of outrageous - coloring, offending the eye, the nose, the thorax and the larynx, to be - trodden under feet of men, and to yield up its precious dose of destroying - poisons from generation even unto generation. - </p> - <p> - It is not a thing of beauty, for it looks like the colored engraving of a - mortified lung. It is not economical, for the same time devoted to - knocking out the brains of frogs and collecting their hams for the - metropolitan market would yield infinitely more; and it is not worth much - as an heirloom, for within the same time a mortgage may be placed upon the - old homestead which will pass down from father to son, even to nations yet - unborn, and attract more attention in the courts than all the rag carpets - that it would require to span the broad, spangled dome of heaven. - </p> - <p> - I often wonder that Oscar Wilde, the pale patron of the good, the true and - the beautiful, did not rise in his might and knock the essential warp and - filling out of the rag carpet. Oscar did not do right, or he would have - stood up in his funny clothes and fought for reform at so much per fight. - While he made fun of the Chicago water works, a grateful public would have - buried him in cut flowers if, instead, he had warped it to the rag carpet - and the approaching dude. - </p> - <h3> - A TRYING SITUATION. - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HERE are a great - many things in life which go to atone for the disappointments and sorrows - which one meets," but when a young man's rival takes the fair Matilda to - see the baseball game, and sits under an umbrella beside her, and is at - the height of enjoyment, and gets the benefit of a "hot ball" in the pit - of his stomach, there is a nameless joy settles down in the heart of the - lonesome young man, such as the world can neither give nor take away. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ONE KIND OF A BOY. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> AM always sorry - to see a youth get irritated and pack up his clothes, in the heat of - debate, and leave the home nest. His future is a little doubtful, and it - is hard to prognosticate whether he will fracture limestone for the - streets of a great city, or become President of the United States; but - there is a beautiful and luminous life ahead of him in comparison with - that of the boy who obstinately refuses to leave the home nest. - </p> - <p> - The boy who cannot summon the moral courage some day to uncoil the - tendrils of his heart from the clustering idols of the household, to - grapple with outrageous fortune, ought to be taken by the ear and led away - out into the great untried realm of space. - </p> - <p> - While the great world throbs on, he sighs and refuses to throb. While - other young men put on their seal-brown overalls and wrench the laurel - wreath and other vegetables from cruel fate, the youth who dangles near - the old nest, and eats the hard-earned groceries of his father, shivers on - the brink of life's great current and sheds the scalding tear. - </p> - <p> - He is the young-man-afraid-of-the-sawbuck, the human being with the - unlaundried spinal column. The only vital question that may be said to - agitate his pseudo brain is, whether he shall marry and bring his wife to - the home nest, or marry and tear loose from his parents to live with his - father-in-law. Finally he settles it and compromises by living alternately - with each. - </p> - <p> - How the old folks yearn to see him. How their aged eyes light up when he - comes with his growing family to devour everything in sight and yawn - through the space between meals. This is the heyday of his life; the high - noon of the boy who never ventured to ride the yearling colt, or to be - yanked through the shimmering sunlight at the tail of a two-year-old. He - never dared to have any fun because he might bump his nose and make it - bleed on his clean clothes. He never surreptitiously cut the copper wire - off the lightning rod to snare suckers with, and he never went in swimming - because the great, rude boys might duck him or paint him with mud. He - shunned the green apple of boyhood, and did not slide down hill because he - would have to pull his sled back to the top again. - </p> - <p> - Now, he borrows other people's newspapers, eats the provisions of others, - and sits on the counter of the grocery till the proprietor calls him a - counter irritant. - </p> - <p> - There can be nothing more un-American than this flabby polyp, this - one-horse tadpole that never becomes a frog. The average American would - rather burst up in business six times in four years, and settle for nine - cents on the dollar, than to lead such a life. He would rather be an - active bankrupt than a weak and bilious barnacle on the clam-shell of - home. - </p> - <p> - The true American would rather work himself into luxury or the lunatic - asylum than to hang like a great wart upon the face of nature. This young - man is not in accordance with the Yankee schedule, and yet I do not want - to say that he belongs to any other nation. Foreign powers may have been - wrong; trans-Atlantic nations may have erred, and the system of European - government may have been erroneous, but I would not come out and charge - them with this horrible responsibility. They never harmed me, and I will - not tarnish their fair fame with this grave indictment. - </p> - <p> - He will breathe a certain amount of atmosphere, and absorb a given amount - of feed for a few years, and then the full-grown biped will leave the home - nest at last. The undertaker will come and get him and take what there is - left of him out to the cemetery. That will be all. There can be no deep - abiding sorrow for him here; public buildings will not be draped in - mourning, and you can get your mail at the usual hour when he dies. The - band will not play a sadder strain because the fag-end of a human failure - has tapered down to death, and the soft and shapeless features are still. - You will have no trouble getting a draft cashed on that day, and the giddy - throng will join the picnic as they had made arrangements to do. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE CHAMPION MEAN MAN. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">L</span>ARAMIE has the - champion mean man. He has a Sunday handkerchief made to order with scarlet - spots on it, which he sticks up to his nose just before the plate starts - round, and leaves the church like a house on fire. So after he has - squeezed out the usual amount of gospel, he slips around the corner and - goes home ten cents ahead, and has his self-adjusting nose-bleed - handkerchief for another trip. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - FRATERNAL SPARRING. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> HAVE just - returned from a little two-handed tournament with the gloves. I have - filled my nose with cotton waste so that I shall not soak this sketch in - gore as I write. - </p> - <p> - I needed a little healthful exercise and was looking for something that - would be full of vigorous enthusiasm, and at the same time promote the - healthful flow of blood to the muscles. This was rather difficult. I tried - most everything, but failed. Being a sociable being (joke) I wanted other - people to help me exercise, or go along with me when I exercised. Some men - can go away to a desert isle and have fun with dumb-bells and a horizontal - bar, but to me it would seem dull and commonplace after a while, and I - would yearn for more humanity. - </p> - <p> - Two of us finally concluded to play billiards; but we were only amateurs - and the owner intimated that he would want the table for Fourth of July, - so we broke off in the middle of the first game and I paid for it. - </p> - <p> - Then a younger brother said he had a set of boxing-gloves in his room, and - although I was the taller and had longer arms, he would hold up as long - its he could., and I might hammer him until I gained strength and finally - got well. - </p> - <p> - I accepted this offer because I had often regretted that I had not made - myself familiar with this art, and also because I knew it would create a - thrill of interest and fire me with ambition, and that's what a - hollow-eyed invalid needs to put him on the road to recovery. - </p> - <p> - The boxing-glove is a large fat mitten, with an abnormal thumb and a - string at the wrist by which you tie it on, so that when you feed it to - your adversary he cannot swallow it and choke himself. I had never seen - any boxing-gloves before, but my brother said they were soft and wouldn't - hurt anybody. So we took off some of our raiment and put them on. Then we - shook hands. I can remember distinctly yet that we shook hands. That was - to show that we were friendly and would not slay each other. - </p> - <p> - My brother is a great deal younger than I am and so I warned him not to - get excited and come for me with anything that would look like wild and - ungovernable fury, because I might, in the heat of debate, pile his jaw up - on his forehead and fill his ear full of sore thumb. He said that was all - right and he would try to be cool and collected. - </p> - <p> - Then we put our right toes together and I told him to be on his guard. At - that moment I dealt him a terrific blow aimed at his nose, but through a - clerical error of mine it went over his shoulder and spent itself in the - wall of the room, shattering a small holly-wood bracket, for which I paid - him $3.75 afterward. I did not wish to buy the bracket because I had two - at home, but he was arbitrary about it and I bought it. - </p> - <p> - We then took another athletic posture, and in two seconds the air was full - of poulticed thumb and buckskin mitten. I soon detected a chance to put - one in where my brother could smell of it, but I never knew just where it - struck, for at that moment I ran up against something with the pit of my - stomach that made me throw up the sponge along with some other groceries, - the names of which I cannot now recall. - </p> - <p> - My brother then proposed that we take off the gloves, but I thought I had - not sufficiently punished him, and that another round would complete the - conquest, which was then almost within my grasp. I took a bismuth powder - and squared myself, but in warding off a left-hander, I forgot about my - adversary's right and ran my nose into the middle of his boxing-glove. - Fearing that I had injured him, I retreated rapidly on my elbows and - shoulder-blades to the corner of the room, thus giving him ample time to - recover. By this means my younger brother's features were saved, and are - to-day as symmetrical as my own. - </p> - <p> - I can still cough up pieces of boxing-gloves, and when I close my eyes I - can see calcium lights and blue phosphorescent gleams across the horizon; - but I am thoroughly convinced that there is no physical exercise which - yields the same amount of health and elastic vigor to the puncher that the - manly art does. To the punchee, also, it affords a large wad of glad - surprises and nose bleed, which cannot be hurtful to those who hanker for - the pleasing nervous shock, the spinal jar and the pyrotechnic concussion. - </p> - <p> - That is why I shall continue the exercises after I have practiced with a - mule or a cow-catcher two or three weeks, and feel a little more - confidence in myself. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHIPETA'S ADDRESS TO THE UTES. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">P</span>EOPLE of my tribe! - the sorrowing widow of the dead Ouray speaks to you. She comes to you, not - as the squaw of the dead chieftain, to rouse you to war and victory, but - to weep with you over the loss of her people and the greed of the pale - face. - </p> - <p> - The fair Colorado, over whose Rocky mountains we have roamed and hunted in - the olden time, is now overrun by the silver-plated Senator and the - soft-eyed dude. - </p> - <p> - We are driven to a small corner of the earth to die, while the oppressor - digs gopher holes in the green grass and sells them to the speculator of - the great cities toward the rising sun. - </p> - <p> - Through the long, cold winter my people have passed, in want and cold, - while the conqueror of the peaceful Ute has worn $250 night-shirts and - filled his pale skin with pie. - </p> - <p> - Chipeta addresses you as the weeping squaw of a great man whose bones will - one day nourish the cucumber vine. Ouray now sleeps beneath the brown - grass of the canyon, where the soft spring winds may stir the dead leaves, - and the young coyote may come and monkey o'er his grave. Ouray was - ignorant in the ways of the pale face. He could not go to Congress, for he - was not a citizen of the United States. He had not taken out his second - papers. He was a simple child of the forest, but he stuck to Chipeta. He - loved Chipeta like a hired man. That is why the widowed squaw weeps over - him. - </p> - <p> - A few more years and I shall join Ouray—my chief, Ouray the big - Injun from away up the gulch. His heart is still open to me. Chipeta could - trust him, even among tire smiling maidens of her tribe. Ouray was true. - There was no funny business in his nature. He loved not the garb of the - pale face, but won my heart while he wore a saddle-blanket and a look of - woe. - </p> - <p> - Chipeta looks to the north and the south, and all about are the graves of - her people. The refinement of the oppressor has come, with its divorce and - schools and gin cocktails and flour bread and fall elections, and we - linger here like a boil on the neck of a fat man. - </p> - <p> - Even while I talk to you, the damp winds of April are sighing through my - vertebras, and I've got more pains in my back than a conservatory. - </p> - <p> - Weep with the widowed Chipeta. Bow your heads and howl, for our harps are - hung on the willows and our wild goose is cooked. - </p> - <p> - Who will be left to mourn at Chipeta's grave? None but the starving - pappooses of my nation. We stand in the gray mist of spring like dead - burdocks in the field of the honest farmer, and the chilly winds of - departing winter make us hump and gather like a burnt boot. - </p> - <p> - All we can do is to wail. We are the red-skinned wailers from Wailtown. - </p> - <p> - Colorado is no more the home of the Ute. It is the dwelling place of the - bonanza Senator, who doesn't know the difference between the plan of - salvation and the previous question. - </p> - <p> - Chipeta cannot vote. Chipeta cannot pay taxes to a great nation, but you - will be apt to hear her gentle voice, and her mellow racket will fill the - air till her tongue is cold, and they tuck the buffalo robe about her and - plant her by the side of her dead chieftain, where the south wind and the - sage hen are singing. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0046.jpg" alt="0046 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0046.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - BILL NYE'S CAT. - </h2> - <h3> - (BY PERMISSION.) - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> AM not fond of - cats, as a general rule. I never yearned to have one around the house. My - idea always was, that I could have trouble enough in a legitimate way - without adding a cat to my woes. With a belligerent cook and a communistic - laundress, it seems to me most anybody ought to be unhappy enough without - a cat. - </p> - <p> - I never owned one until a tramp cat came to our house one day during the - present autumn, and tearfully asked to be loved. He didn't have anything - in his make-up that was calculated to win anybody's love, but he seemed - contented with a little affection,—one ear was gone and his tail was - bald for six inches at the end, and he was otherwise well calculated to - win confidence and sympathy. Though we could not be madly in love with - him, we decided to be friends, and give him a chance to win the general - respect. - </p> - <p> - Everything would have turned out all right if the bobtail waif had not - been a little given to investigation. He wanted to know more about the - great world in which he lived, so he began by inspecting my house. He got - into the store-room closet and found a place where the carpenter had not - completed his job. This is a feature of the Laramie artisan's style. He - leaves little places in unobserved corners generally, so that he can come - back some day and finish it at an additional cost of fifty dollars. This - cat observed that he could enter at this point and go all over the - imposing structure between the flooring and the ceiling. He proceeded to - do so. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <p> - We will now suppose that a period of two days has passed. The wide halls - and spacious façades of the Nye mansion are still. The lights in the - banquet-hall are extinguished, and the ice-cream freezer is hushed to rest - in the wood-sned. A soft and tearful yowl, deepened into a regular - ring-tail-peeler, splits the solemn night in twain. Nobody seemed to know - where it came from. - </p> - <p> - I rose softly and went to where the sound had seemed to well up from. It - was not there. - </p> - <p> - I stood on a piece of cracker in the diningroom a moment, waiting for it - to come again. This time it came from the boudoir of our French artist in - soup-bone symphonies and pie—Mademoiselle Bridget O'Dooley. I went - there and opened the door softly, so as to let the cat out without - disturbing the giant mind-that had worn itself out during the day in the - kitchen, bestowing a dry shampoo to the china. - </p> - <p> - Then I changed my mind and came out. Several articles of vertu, beside - Bridget, followed me with some degree of vigor. - </p> - <p> - The next time the tramp cat yowled he seemed to be in the recesses of the - bath-room. I went down stairs and investigated. In doing so I drove my - superior toe into my foot, out of sight, with a door that I encountered. - My wife joined me in the search. She could not do much, but she aided me a - thousand times by her counsel. If it had not been for her mature advice I - might have lost much of the invigorating exercise of that memorable night. - </p> - <p> - Toward morning we discovered that the cat was between the floor of the - children's play-room and the ceiling of the dining-room. We tried till - daylight to persuade the cat to come out and get acquainted, but he would - not. - </p> - <p> - At last we decided that the quickest way to get the poor little thing out - was to let him die in there, and then we could tear up that portion of the - house and get him out. While he lived we couldn't keep him still long - enough to tear a hole in the house and get at him. - </p> - <p> - It was a little unpleasant for a day or two waiting for death to come to - his relief, for he seemed to die hard, but at last the unearthly midnight - yowl was still. The plaintive little voice ceased to vibrate on the still - and pulseless air. Later, we found, however, that he was not dead. In a - lucid interval he had discovered the hole in the store-room where he - entered, and, as we found afterward a gallon of coal-oil spilled in a - barrel of cut loaf-sugar, we concluded that he had escaped by that route. - </p> - <p> - That was the only time that I ever kept a cat, and I didn't do it then - because I was suffering for something to fondle. I've got a good deal of - surplus affection, I know, but I don't have to spread it out over a - stump-tail orphan cat. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - AUTUMN THOUGHTS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>N the Rocky - mountains now the eternal whiteness is stealing down toward the foot-hills - and the brown mantle of October hangs softly on the swelling divide, while - along the winding streams, cottonwood and willow are turned to gold, and - the deep green of the solemn pines lies farther back against the soft blue - of the autumn sky. The sigh of the approaching storm is heard at eventide, - and the hostile Indian comes into the reservation to get some arnica for - his chilblain, and to heal up the old feeling of intolerance on the part, - of the pale face. - </p> - <p> - He leaves the glorious picture of mountain and glen; the wide sweep of - magnificent nature, where a thousand gorgeous dyes are spread over the - remains of the dead summer, and folding his tepee, he steals into the home - of the white man that he may be once more at peace with the world. - </p> - <p> - The hectic of the dying year saddens and depresses him, for is it not an - emblem to him of the death of his race? Is it not to him an assurance that - in the golden ultimately, the red man will be sought for on the face of - the earth and he will not be able to represent. He will not be there - either in person or by proxy. Here and there may be found the little - silent mounds with some glass beads and teeth in them, but the silent - warrior with the Roman nose will not be there. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0051.jpg" alt="0051 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0051.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - The Indian agent will have a large, conservative cemetery on his hands, - and the brave warrior will be marching single file through the corridors - of the hence. - </p> - <p> - At this moment he does not look romantic. Clothed in a coffee sack and a - little brief authority, he would not make a good vignette on a $5 bill. - His wife, too, looks careworn, and the old glad light is not in her eye. - Pier gunny-sack dolman is not what it once was, and her beautifully arched - foot has spread out over the reservation more than it used to. Her step - has lost its old elasticity, and so have her suspenders. - </p> - <p> - Autumn brings to her nothing but regret for the past and hopelessness for - the future. The cold and cruel winter will bring her nothing but bitter - memories and condemned government grub. The solemn hush of nature and the - gorgeous coloring of the forest do not awake a thrill in her wild heart. - She cares not for the dead summer or the mellow mist of the grand old - mountains. - </p> - <p> - She doesn't care two cents. She knows that no sealskin sacque will come to - her on the Christmas trees, and the glad welcome of the placid and select - oyster is not for her. - </p> - <p> - Is it surprising, then, that to this decaying belle of an old family the - sparkle of hope is unknown? Can we wonder, as we contemplate her history, - that to her the soldier pantaloons of last year, and the bullwhacker's - straw hat of '79, are obnoxious? - </p> - <p> - She is like her sex, and her joy is fractured by the knowledge that her - moccasins are down at the heel, and her stockings existing in the realms - of fancy. We should not look with scorn upon Mrs. Rise-up-William-Riley, - for hope is dead in her breast, and the wigwam is desolate in the - sage-brush. - </p> - <p> - Daughter of a great nation, we are not mad at you. You are not to be - blamed because the republican party has busted your crust. We do not hate - you because you eat your steak-rare and wear your own hair. It is your own - right to do so if you wish. Brace up, therefore, and take a tumble, as it - were, and try to be cheerful. We will not massacre you if you will not - massacre us. All we want is peace, and you can wear what you like, only - wear something, if you please, when you come into our society. We do not - ask you to conform strictly to our false and peculiar costumes, but wear - something to protect you from the chilling blasts of winter and you will - win our respect. You needn't mingle in our society much if you do not - choose to, but wrap yourself up in most any kind of clothing that will - silence the tongue of slander, and try to quit drinking. You would get - along first-rate if you would only let liquor alone. Do not try to drown - your sorrows in the flowing bowl. It's expensive and unsatisfactory. Take - our advice and swear off. We have tried it, and we know what we are - talking about. - </p> - <p> - You have a glorious future before you, if you will cease to drink the - vintage of the pale face, and monkey with petty larceny. Look at - Pocahontas and Mrs. Tecumseh. They didn't drink. They were women of no - more ability than you have, but they were high-toned, and they got there, - Eli. Now they are known to history along with Cornwallis and Payne. You - can do the same if you choose to. Do not be content to lead a yellow dog - around by a string and get inebriated, but rise up out of the alkali dust, - and resolve that you will shun the demon of drink. - </p> - <p> - You ought to be ashamed of yourself. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE MAN WHO INTERRUPTS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> DO not, as a - rule, thirst for the blood of my fellow-man. I am willing that the law - should in all ordinary cases take its course, but when we begin to discuss - the man who breaks into a conversation and ruins it with his own - irrelevant ideas, regardless of the feelings of humanity, I am not a law - and order man. The spirit of the "Red Vigilanter" is roused in my breast - and I hunger for the blood of that man. - </p> - <p> - Interrupters are of two classes: First, the common plug who thinks aloud, - and whose conversation wanders with his so-called mind. He breaks into the - saddest and sweetest of sentiment, and the choicest and most tearful of - pathos, with the remorseless ignorance that marks a stump-tail cow in a - dahlia bed. He is the bull in my china shop, the wormwood in my wine, and - the kerosene in my maple syrup. I am shy in conversation, and my - unfettered flights of poesy and sentiment are rare, but this man is always - near to mar all with a remark, or a marginal note, or a story or a bit of - politics, ready to bust my beautiful dream and make me wish that his name - might be carved on a marble slab in some quiet cemetery, far away. - </p> - <p> - Dear reader, did you ever meet this man—or his wife? Did you ever - strike some beautiful thought and begin to reel it off to your friends - only to be shut off in the middle of a sentence by this choice and banner - idiot of conversation? If so, come and sit by me, and you may pour your - woes into my ear, and I in turn will pour a few gallons into your - listening ear. - </p> - <p> - I do not care to talk more than my share of the time, but I would be glad - to arrive at a conclusion just to see how it would seem. I would be so - pleased and so joyous to follow up an anecdote till I had reached the - "nub," as it were, to chase argument home to conviction, and to clinch - assertion with authority and evidence. - </p> - <p> - The second class of interrupters is even worse. It consists of the man—and, - I am pained to state, his wife also—who see the general drift of - your remarks and finish out your story, your gem of thought or your - argument. It is very seldom that they do this as you would do it yourself, - but they are kind and thoughtful and their services are always at hand. No - matter how busy they may be, they will leave their own work and fly to - your aid. With the light of sympathy in their eyes, they rush into the - conversation, and, partaking of your own zeal, they take the words from - your mouth, and cheerfully suck the juice out of your joke, handing back - the rind and hoping for reward. That is where they get left, so far as I - am concerned. I am almost always ready to repay rudeness with rudeness, - and cold preserved gall with such acrid sarcasm as I may be able to secure - at the moment. No one will ever know how I yearn for the blood of the - interrupter. At night I camp on his trail, and all the day I thirst for - his warm life's current. In my dreams I am cutting his scalp loose with a - case-knife, while my fingers are twined in his clustering hair. I walk - over him and promenade across his abdomen as I slumber. I hear his ribs - crack, and I see his tongue hang over his shoulder as he smiles death's - mirthful smile. - </p> - <p> - I do not interrupt a man no more than I would tell him he lied. I give him - a chance to win applause or decomposed eggs from the audience, according - to what he has to say, and according to the profundity of his profund. All - I want is a similar chance and room according to my strength. Common - decency ought to govern conversation without its being necessary to hire - an umpire armed with a four-foot club, to announce who is at the bat and - who is on deck. - </p> - <p> - It is only once in a week or two that the angel troubles the waters and - stirs up the depths of my conversational powers, and then the chances are - that some leprous old nasty toad who has been hanging on the brink of - decent society for two weeks, slides in with a low kerplunk, and my fair - blossom of thought that has been trying for weeks to bloom, withers and - goes to seed, while the man with the chilled steel and copper-riveted - brow, and a wad of self-esteem on his intellectual balcony as big as an - inkstand, walks slowly away to think of some other dazzling gem, and thus - be ready to bust my beautiful phantom, and tear out my high-priced bulbs - of fancy the next time I open my mouth. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE ROCKY MOUKTAIN COW. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE attention of - the Rocky Mountain Detective Association is respectfully called to a large - bay cow, who is hanging around this place under an assumed name. She has - no visible means of support, and has been seen trying to catch the - combination to the safes of several of our business men here. She has also - stolen into our lot several times and eaten two or three lengths of - stovepipe that we neglected to lock up. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - PRESERVING EGGS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE Scientific - American gives this as an excellent mode of preserving eggs: "Take fresh, - ones, put a dozen or more into a small willow basket, and immerse this for - five seconds in boiling water, containing about five pounds of common - brown sugar per gallon, then pack, when cool, small ends down, in an - intimate mixture of one part of finely powdered charcoal and two of dry - bran. In this way they will last six months or more. The scalding water - causes the formation of a thin skin of hard albumen near the inner surface - of the shell, and the sugar of syrup closes all the pores." - </p> - <p> - The Scientific American neglects, however, to add that when you open them - six months after they were picked and preserved, the safest way is to open - them out in the alley with a revolver, at sixteen paces. When you have - succeeded in opening one, you can jump on a fleet horse and get out of the - country before the nut brown flavor catches up with you. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - HUMAN' NATURE ON THE HALF-SHELL. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> AM up here in - River Falls, Wisconsin, and patiently waiting for the snow-banks to wilt - away and gentle spring to come again. Gentle spring, as I go to press, - hath not yet loomed up. Nothing in fact hath loomed up, as yet, save the - great Dakota boom. Everybody, from the servant girl with the symphony in - smut on her face and the boundless waste of freckles athwart her nose, up - to the normal school graduate, with enough knowledge to start a grist mill - for the gods, has "a claim" in the promised land, the great wild goose - orchard and tadpole aquarium of the new Northwest. - </p> - <p> - The honest farmer deserts his farm, around which clusters a thousand - memories of the past, and buckling on his web feet, he flees to the frog - ponds of the great northern watershed, to make a "tree claim," and be - happy. - </p> - <p> - Such is life. We battle on bravely for years, cutting out white-oak grubs, - and squashing army worms on a shingle, in order that we may dwell beneath - our own vine and plum tree, and then we sell and take wings toward a wild, - unknown country, where land is dirt cheap, where the wicked cease from - troubling and the weary are at rest. - </p> - <p> - That is where we get left, if I may be allowed an Americanism, or whatever - it is. We are never at rest. The more we emigrate the more worthless, - unsatisfied and trifling we become. I have seen the same family go through - Laramie City six times because they knew not of contentment. The first - time they went west in a Pullman car "for their health." The husband - rashly told a sad-eyed man that he lied, and in a little while the sun was - obscured by loose teeth and hair. The ground was torn up and vegetation - was killed where the discussion was held. - </p> - <p> - Then the family went home to Toledo. They went in a day coach and said a - Pullman car was full of malaria and death. Their relatives made sport of - them and lifted up their yawp and yawped at them insomuch that the - yawpness thereof was as the town caucus for might. Then the tourists on - the following spring packed up two pillows, and a pink comforter, and a - change of raiment, and gat them onto the emigrant train and journeyed into - the land which is called Arizona, where the tarantula climbeth up on the - innerside of the pantaloon and tickleth the limb of the pilgrim as he - journeyeth, and behold he getteth in his work, and the leg of that man is - greater than it was aforetime, even like unto the leg of a piano. - </p> - <h3> - A FRIGID ROUTE. - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HERE'S no doubt - but that the Fort Collins route to the North Park, is a good, practicable - route, but the only man who has started out over it this spring fetched up - in the New Jerusalem. - </p> - <p> - The trouble with that line of travel is, that the temperature is too - short. The summer on the Fort Collins route is noted mainly for its - brevity. It lasts about as long as an ordinary eclipse of the sun. - </p> - <p> - The man who undertook to go over the road this spring on snow shoes, with - a load consisting of ten cents' worth of fine cut tobacco, has not been - heard from yet at either end of the line, and he is supposed to have - perished, or else he is still in search of an open polar sea. - </p> - <p> - It is hoped that dog days will bring him to the surface, but if the winter - comes on as early this fall as there are grave reasons to fear, a man - couldn't get over the divide in the short space of time which will - intervene between Decoration day and Christmas. - </p> - <p> - We hate to discourage people who have an idea of going over the Fort - Collins road to North Park, but would suggest that preparations be made in - advance for about five hundred St. Bernard dogs and a large supply of - arctic whisky, to be placed on file where it can be got at without a - moment's delay. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - TOO CONTIGUOUS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HERE is a firm on - Coyote creek, in New Jersey, that would like to advertise in <i>The - Boomerang</i>, and the members of the firm are evidently good square men, - although they are not large. They lack about four feet in stature of being - large enough to come within the range of our vision. - </p> - <p> - They have got more pure gall to the superficial foot than anybody we ever - heard of. It seems that the house has a lot of vermifuge to feed plants, - and a bedbug tonic that it wants to bring before the public, and it wants - us to devote a quarter of a column every day to the merits of these bug - and worm discouragers, and then take our pay out of tickets in the drawing - of a brindle dog next spring. - </p> - <p> - We might as well come right out end state that we are not publishing this - paper for our health, nor because we like to loll around in luxury all day - in the voluptuous office of the staff. We have mercenary motives, and we - can't work off wheezy parlor organs and patent corn plasters and threshing - machines very well. We desire the scads. We can use them in our business, - and we are gathering them in just as fast as we can. At the present time - we are pretty well supplied with rectangular churns and stem-winding mouse - traps. We do not need them, It takes too much time to hypothecate them. - </p> - <p> - In closing, we will add, that New Jersey people will not be charged much - more for advertising space than Wyoming people. We have made special rates - so that we can give the patrons of the East almost as good terms as our - home advertisers. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE AMENDE HONORABLE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>T is rather - interesting to watch the manner by which old customs have been slightly - changed and handed down from age to age. Peculiarities of old traditions - still linger among us, and are forked over to posterity like a wappy-jawed - teapot or a long-time mortgage.. No one can explain it, but the fact still - remains patent that some of the oddities of our ancestors continue to - appear from time to time, clothed in the changing costumes of the - prevailing fashion. - </p> - <p> - Along with these choice antiquities, and carrying the nut-brown flavor of - the dead and relentless years, comes the amende honorable. From the - original amende in which the offender appeared in public clothed only in a - cotton-flannel shirt, and with a rope about his neck as an evidence a - formal recantation, down to this day when (sometimes) the pale editor, in - a stickful of type, admits that "his informant was in error," the amende - honorable has marched along with the easy tread of time. The blue-eyed - moulder of public opinion, with one suspender hanging down at his side, - and writing on a sheet of news-copy paper, has a more extensive costume, - perhaps, than the old-time offender who bowed in the dust in the midst of - the great populace, and with a halter under his ear admitted his offense, - but he does not feel any more cheerful over it. - </p> - <p> - I have been called upon several times to make the amende honorable, and I - admit that it is not an occasion of mirth and merriment. People who come - into the editorial office to invest in a retraction are generally very - healthy, and have a stiff, reserved manner that no cheerfulness of - hospitality can soften.. - </p> - <p> - I remember of an accident of this kind which occurred last summer in my - office, while I was writing something scathing. A large map with an air of - profound perspiration about him, and a plaid flannel shirt, stepped into - the middle of the room, and breathed in the air that I was not using. He - said he would give me four minutes in which to retract, and pulled out a - watch by which to ascertain the exact time. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0067.jpg" alt="0067 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0067.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - I asked him if he would not allow me a moment or two to go over to the - telegraph office and to wire my parents of my awful death. He said I could - walk out of that door when I walked over his dead body. Then I waited a - long time, until he told me my time was up, and asked what I was waiting - for. I told him I was waiting for him to die, so that I could walk over - his dead body. How could I walk over a corpse until life was extinct? - </p> - <p> - He stood and looked at me first in astonishment, afterward in pity. - Finally tears welled up in his eyes, and plowed their way down his brown - and grimy face. Then he said that I need not fear him. "You are safe," - said he. "A youth who is so patient and so cheerful as you are—who - would wait for a healthy man to die so that you could meander over his - pulseless remnants, ought not to die a violent death. A soft-eyed seraph - like you, who is no more conversant with the ways of this world than that, - ought to be put in a glass vial of alcohol and preserved. I came up here - to kill you and throw you into the rain-water barrel, but now that I know - what a patient disposition you have, I shudder to think of the crime I was - about to commit." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - JOAQUIN AND JUNIATA. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">J</span>OAQUIN MILLER has - just published a new book called "The Shadows of Shasta." It is based on - the Hiawatha, Blue Juniata romance, which the average poet seems competent - to yank loose from the history of the sore-eyed savage at all times. - </p> - <p> - Whenever a dead-beat poet strikes bedrock and don't have shekels enough to - buy a bowl of soup, he writes an inspired ode to the unfettered - horse-thief of the west. - </p> - <p> - It is all right so far as we know. If the poet will wear out the - smoke-tanned child of the forest writing poetry about him, and then if the - child of the forest will rise up in his death struggle and mash the - never-dying soul out of the white-livered poet, everything will be O.K., - and we will pay the funeral expenses. - </p> - <p> - If it could be so arranged that the poet and the bright Alfarita bug-eater - and the bilious wild-eyed bard of the backwoods could be shut up in a - corral for six weeks together, with nothing to eat but each other, it - would be a big thing for humanity. We said once that we wouldn't dictate - to this administration, but let it flicker along alone. We just throw out - the above as a suggestion, however, hoping that it will not be ignored. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - SOME VAGUE THOUGHTS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">S</span>PRING, gentle, - touchful, tuneful, breezeful, soothful spring is here. It has not been - here more than twenty minutes, and my arctics stand where I can reach them - in case it should change its mind. - </p> - <p> - The bobolink sits on the basswood vines, and the thrush in the gooseberry - tree is as melodious as a hired man. The robin is building his nest—or - rather her nest, I should say, perhaps—in the boughs of the old - willow that was last year busted by thunder—I beg your pardon—by - lightning, I should say. The speckled calf dines teat-a-teat with his - mother, and strawberries are like a baldheaded man's brow—they come - high, but we can't get along without them. - </p> - <p> - I never was more tickled to meet gentle spring than I am now. It stirs up - my drug-soaked remains, and warms the genial current of life considerably. - I frolicked around in the grass this afternoon and filled my pockets full - of 1000-legged worms, and other little mementoes of the season. The little - hare-foot boy now comes forth and walks with a cautious tread at first, - like a blind horse; but toward the golden autumn the backs of his feet - will look like a warty toad, and there will be big cracks in them, and one - toe will be wrapped up in part of a bed quilt, and he will show it with - pride to crowded houses. - </p> - <p> - Last night I lay awake for several hours thinking about Mr. Sherrod and - how long we had been separated, and I was wondering how many weary days - would have to elapse before we would again look into each other's eyes and - hold each other by the hand, when the loud and violent concussion of a - revolver shot near West Main street and Cascade avenue rent the sable robe - of night. I rose and lit the gas to see if I had been hit. Then I examined - my pockets to see if I had been robbed of my led pencil and season pass. I - found that I had not. - </p> - <p> - This morning I learned that a young doctor, who had been watching his own - house from a distance during the evening, had discovered that, taking - advantage of the husband's absence, a blonde dry goods clerk had called to - see the crooked but lonely wife. The doctor waited until the young man had - been in the house long enough to get pretty well acquainted, and then he - went in himself to see that the youth was making himself perfectly - comfortable. - </p> - <p> - There was a wild dash toward the window, made by a blonde man with his - pantaloons in his hand, the spatter of a bullet in the wall over the young - man's head and then all was still for a moment save the low sob of a woman - with her head covered up by the bed clothes. Then the two men clinched and - the doctor injected the barrel of a thirty-two self-cocker up the bridge - of the young man's nose, knocked him under the wash stand, yanked him out - by the hem of his garment and jarred him into the coal bucket, kicked him - up on a corner bracket and then swept the quivering ruins into the street - with a stub-broom. He then lit the chandelier and told his sobbing wife - that she wasn't just the temperament for him and he was afraid that their - paths might diverge. He didn't care much for company and society while she - seemed to yearn for such things constantly. He came right out and admitted - that he was of a nervous temperament and quick tempered. He loved her, but - he had such an irritable, fiery disposition that he guessed he would have - to excuse her; so he escorted her out to the gate and told her where the - best hotel was, came in, drove out the cat, blew out the light and - retired. - </p> - <p> - Some men seem almost like brutes in their treatment of their wives. They - come home at some eccentric hour of the night, and because they have to - sleep on the lounge, they get mad and try to shoot holes in the - lambrequins, and look at their wives in a harsh, rude tone of voice. I - tell you it's tough. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE YOUMORIST. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">Y</span>ou are an - youmorist, are you not?" queried a long-billed pelican addressing a - thoughtful, mental athlete, on the Milwaukee & St. Paul road the other - day. - </p> - <p> - "Yes, sir," said the sorrowful man, brushing away a tear. "I am an - youmorist. I am not very much so, but still I can see that I am drifting - that way. And yet I was once joyous and happy as you are. Only a few years - ago, before I was exposed to this malady, I was as blithe as a speckled - yearling, and recked not of aught—nor anything else, either. Now my - whole life is blasted. I do not dare to eat pie or preserves, and no one - tells funny stories when I am near. They regard me as a professional, and - when I get in sight the 'scrub nine' close up and wait for me to entertain - the crowd and waddle around the ring." - </p> - <p> - "What do you mean by that?" murmured the purple-nosed interrogation point. - </p> - <p> - "Mean? Why, I mean that whether I'm drawing a salary or not, I'm expected - to be the 'life of the party.' I don't want to be the life of the party. I - want to let some one else be the life of the party. I want to get up the - reputation of being as cross as a bear with a sore head. I want people to - watch their children for fear I'll swallow them. I want to take my - low-cut-evening-dress smile and put it in the bureau drawer, and tell the - world I've got a cancer in my stomach, and the heaves and hypochondria, - and a malignant case of leprosy." - </p> - <p> - "Do you mean to say that you do not feel facetious all the time, and that - you get weary of being an youmorist?" - </p> - <p> - "Yes, hungry interlocutor. Yes, low-browed student, yes. I am not always - tickled. Did you ever have a large, angry, and abnormally protuberent boil - somewhere on your person where it seemed to be in the way? Did you ever - have such a boil as a traveling companion, and then get introduced to - people as an youmorist? You have not? Well, then, you do not know all - there is of suffering in this sorrow-streaked world. When wealthy people - die why don't they endow a cast-iron castle with a draw-bridge to it and - call it the youmorists' retreat? Why don't they do some good with their - money instead of fooling it away on those who are comparatively happy?" - </p> - <p> - "But how did you come to git to be an youmorist?" - </p> - <p> - "Well, I don't know. I blame my parents some. They might have prevented it - if they'd taken it in time, but they didn't. They let it run on till it - got established, and now its no use to go to the Hot Springs or to the - mountains, or have an operation performed. You let a man get the name of - being an youmorist and he doesn't dare to register at the hotels, and he - has to travel anonymously, and mark his clothes with his wife's name, or - the public will lynch him if he doesn't say something youmorous. - </p> - <p> - "Where is your boy to-night?" continued the gloomy humorist. "Do you know - where he is? Is he at home under your watchful eye, or is he away - somewhere nailing the handles on his first little joke? Parent, beware. - Teach your boy to beware. Watch him night and day, or all at once, when he - is beyond your jurisdiction, he will grow pale. He will have a far-away - look in his eye, and the bright, rosy lad will have become the - flatchested, joyless youmorist. - </p> - <p> - "It's hard to speak unkindly of our parents, but mingled with my own - remorse I shall always murmur to myself, and ask over and over, why did - not my parents rescue me while they could? Why did they allow my chubby - little feet to waddle down to the dangerous ground on which the sad-eyed - youmorist must forever stand? - </p> - <p> - "Partner, do not forget what I have said to-day. 'Whether your child be a - son or daughter, it matters not. Discourage the first sign of approaching - humor. It is easier to bust the backbone of the first little, tender - jokelet that sticks its head through the virgin soil, than it is to allow - the slimy folds of your son's youmorous lecture to be wrapped about you, - and to bring your gray hairs with sorrow to the grave." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - MY CABINET. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> HAVE made a small - collection of wild, western things during the past seven years, and have - put them together, hoping some day, when I get feeble, to travel with the - aggregation and erect a large monument of kopecks for my executors, - administrators and assigns forever. - </p> - <p> - Beginning with the skull of old Hi-lo-Jack-and-the-game, a Sioux brave, - the collection takes in my wonderful bird, known as the Walk-up-the-creek, - and another <i>vara avis</i>, with carnivorous bill and web feet, which - has astonished everyone except the taxidermist and myself. An old grizzly - bear hunter—who has plowed corn all his life and don't know a coyote - from a Maverick steer—looked at it last fall and pronounced it a - "kingfisher," said he had killed one like it a year ago. Then I knew that - he was a pilgrim and a stranger, and that he had bought his buckskin coat - and bead-trimmed moccasins at Niagara Falls, for the bird is constructed - of an eagle's head, a canvas back duck's bust and feet, with the balance - sage hen and baled hay. - </p> - <p> - Last fall I desired to add to my rare collection a large hornet's nest. I - had an embalmed tarantula and her porcelain-lined nest, and I desired to - add to these the gray and airy home of the hornet. I procured one of the - large size after cold weather and hung it in my cabinet by a string. I - forgot about it until this spring. When warm weather came, something - reminded me of it. I think it was a hornet. He jogged my memory in some - way and called my attention to it. Memory is not located where I thought - it was. It seemed as though whenever he touched me he awakened a memory—a - warm memory with a red place all around it. - </p> - <p> - Then some more hornets came and began to rake up old personalities. I - remember that one of them lit on my upper lip. He thought it was a - rosebud. When he went away it looked like a gladiola bulb. I wrapped a wet - sheet around it to take out the warmth and reduce the swelling so that I - could go through the folding doors and tell my wife about it. - </p> - <p> - Hornets lit ah over me and walked around on my person. I did not dare to - scrape them off because they are so sensitive. You have to be very guarded - in your conduct toward a hornet. - </p> - <p> - I remember once while I was watching the busy little hornet gathering - honey and June bugs from the bosom of a rose, years ago, I stirred him up - with a club, more as a practical joke than anything else, and he came and - lit in my sunny hair—that was when I wore my own hair and he walked - around through my gleaming tresses quite awhile, making tracks as large as - a watermelon all over my head. If he hadn't run out of tracks my head - would have looked like a load of summer squashes. I remember I had to - thump my head against the smoke-house in order to smash him, and I had to - comb him out with a fine comb, and wear a waste-paper basket two weeks for - a hat. - </p> - <p> - Much has been said of the hornet, but he has an odd, quaint way after all, - that is forever new. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - HEALTH FOOD. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>HILE trying to - reconstruct a telescoped spine and put some new copper rivets in the - lumbar vertebrae, this spring, I have had occasion to thoroughly - investigate the subject of so-called health food, such as gruels, beef tea - inundations, toasts, oat meal mush, bran mash, soups, condition powders, - graham gem, ground feed, pepsin, laudable mush, and other hen feed usually - poked into the invalid who is too weak to defend himself. - </p> - <p> - Of course it stands to reason that the reluctant and fluttering spirit may - not be won back to earth, and joy once more beam in the leaden eye unless - due care be taken relative to the food by means of which nature may be - made to assert herself. - </p> - <p> - I do not care to say to the world through the columns of the Free Press, - that we may woo from eternity the trembling life with pie. Welsh rabbit - and other wild game will not do at first. But I think I am speaking the - sentiments of a large and emaciated constituency when I say, that there is - getting to be a strong feeling against oat meal submerged in milk and in - favor of strawberry short cake. - </p> - <p> - I almost ate myself into an early grave in April by flying into the face - of Providence and demoralizing old Gastric with oat meal. I ate oat meal - two weeks, and at the end of that time my friends were telegraphed for, - but before it was too late, I threw off the shackles that bound me. With a - desperation born of a terrible apprehension, I rose and shook off the - fatal oat meal habit and began to eat beefsteak. At first life hung - trembling in the balance and there was no change in the quotations of - beef, but later on there was a slight, delicate bloom on the wan cheek, - and range cattle that had barely escaped a long, severe winter on the - plains, began to apprehend a new danger and to seek the secluded canyons - of the inaccessible mountains. - </p> - <p> - I often thought while I was eating health food and waiting for death, how - the doctor and other invited guests at the post mortem would start back in - amazement to find the remnants of an eminent man filled with bran! - </p> - <p> - Through all the painful hours of the long, long night and the eventless - day, while the mad throng rushed onward like a great river toward - eternity's ocean, this thought was uppermost in my mind. I tried to get - the physician to promise that he would not expose me, and show the world - what a hollow mockery I had been, and how I had deceived my best friends. - I told him the whole truth, and asked him to spare my family the - humiliation of knowing that though I might have led a blameless life, my - sunny exterior was only a thin covering for bran and shorts and middlings, - cracked wheat and pearl barley. - </p> - <p> - I dreamed last night of being in a large city where the streets were paved - with dry toast, and the buildings were roofed with toast, and the soil was - bran and oat meal, and the water was beef tea and gruel. All at once it - came over me that I had solved the great mystery of death, and had been - consigned to a place of eternal punishment. The thought was horrible! A - million eternities in a city built of dry toast and oat meal! A home for - never-ending cycles of ages, where the principal hotel and the post-office - building and the opera house were all built of toast, and the fire - department squirted gruel at the devouring element forever! - </p> - <p> - It was only a dream, but it has made me more thoughtful, and people notice - that I am not so giddy as I was. - </p> - <h3> - A NEW POET. - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> NEW and dazzling - literary star has risen above the horizon, and is just about to shoot - athwart the starry vault of poesy. How wisely are all things ordered, and - how promptly does the new star begin to beam, upon the decline of the old. - </p> - <p> - Hardly had the sweet singer of Michigan commenced to wane and to flicker, - when, rising above the western hills, the glad light of the rising star is - seen, and adown the canyons and gulches of the Rocky mountains comes the - melodious cadences of the poet of the Greeley Eye. - </p> - <p> - Couched in the rough terms of the west; robed in the untutored language of - the Michael Angelo slang of the miner and the cowboy, the poet at first - twitters a little on a bough far up the canyon, gradually waking the - echoes, until the song is taken up and handed back by every rock and crag - along the rugged ramparts of the mighty mountain barrier. - </p> - <p> - Listen to the opening stanza of "The Dying Cowboy and the Preacher:" - </p> - <p> - ``So, old gospel shark, they tell me I must die; - </p> - <p> - ``That the wheels of life's wagon have rolled into their last rut, - </p> - <p> - ``Well, I will "pass in my checks" without a whimper or a cry, - </p> - <p> - ``And die as I have lived—"a hard nut."= - </p> - <p> - This is no time-worn simile, no hackneyed illustration or bald-headed - decrepit comparison, but a new, fresh illustration that appeals to the - western character, and lifts the very soul out of the kinks, as it were. - </p> - <p> - "Wheels of life's wagon have rolled into their last rut." - </p> - <p> - Ah! how true to nature and yet how grand. How broad and sweeping. How - melodious and yet how real. Hone but the true poet would have thought to - compare the close of life to the sudden and unfortunate chuck of the off - hind wheel of a lumber wagon into a rut. - </p> - <p> - In fancy we can see it all. We hear the low, sad kerplunk of the wheel, - the loud burst of earnest, logical profanity, and then all is still. - </p> - <p> - How and then the swish of a mule's tail through the air, or the sigh of - the rawhide as it shimmers and hurtles through the silent air, and then a - calm falls upon the scene. Anon, the driver bangs the mule that is - ostensibly pulling his daylights out, but who is, in fact, humping up like - an angle worm, without pulling a pound. - </p> - <p> - Then the poet comes to the close of the cowboy's career in this style: - </p> - <p> - ```"Do I repent?" No—of nothing present or past; - </p> - <p> - ```So skip, old preach, on gospel pap I won't be fed; - </p> - <p> - ```My breath comes hard; I—am going—but—I—am game - to - </p> - <p> - `````the—last. - </p> - <p> - ```And reckless of the future, as the present, the cowboy was - </p> - <p> - `````dead.= - </p> - <p> - If we could write poetry like that, do you think we would plod along the - dreary pathway of the journalist? Do you suppose that if we had the - heaven-born gift of song to such a degree that we could take hold of the - hearts of millions and warble two or three little ditties like that, or - write an effigy before breakfast, or construct an ionic, anapestic twitter - like the foregoing, that we would carry in our own coal, and trim our own - lamps, and wear a shirt two weeks at a time? - </p> - <p> - No, sir, he would hie us away to Europe or Salt Lake, and let our hair - grow long, and we would write some obituary truck that would make people - disgusted with life, and they would sigh for death that they might leave - their insurance and their obituaries to their survivors. - </p> - <h3> - A WORD IN SELF-DEFENSE. - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>T might be well in - closing to say a word in defense of myself. - </p> - <p> - The varied and uniformly erroneous notions expressed recently as to my - plans for the future, naturally call for some kind of an expression on - this point over my own signature. In the first place, it devolves upon me - to regain my health in full if it takes fourteen years. I shall not, - therefore, "publish a book," - </p> - <p> - "prepare an youmorous lecture," - </p> - <p> - "visit Florida," - </p> - <p> - "probate the estate of Lydia E. Pinkham, deceased," nor make any other - grand break till I have once more the old vigor and elasticity, and - gurgling laugh of other days. - </p> - <p> - In the meantime, let it be remembered that my home is in Laramie City, and - that unless the common council pass an ordinance against it, I shall - return in July if I can make the trip between snow storms, and evade the - peculiarities of a tardy and reluctant spring. Bill Nye. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - PINES FOE HIS OLD HOME - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>OM FAGAN, of this - city, has a wild horse that don't seem to take to the rush and hurry and - turmoil of a metropolis. He has been so accustomed to the glad, free air - of the plains and mountains that the hampered and false life of a - throbbing city, with its myriad industries, makes him nervous and unhappy. - He sighs for the boundless prairie and the pure breath of the lifegiving - mountain atmosphere. So taciturn is he in fact, and so cursed by - homesickness and weariness of an artificial and unnatural horse society - here in Laramie, that he refuses to eat anything and is gradually pining - away. Sometimes he takes a light lunch out of Mr. Fagan's arm, but for - days and days he utterly loathes food. He also loathes those who try to go - into the stable and fondle him. He isn't apparently very much on the - fondle. He don't yearn for human society, but seems to want to be by - himself and think it over. - </p> - <p> - The wild horse in stories soon learns to love his master and stay by him - and carry him through flood or fire, and generally knows more than the - Cyclopedia Brittanica; but this horse is not the historical horse that - they put into wild Arabian falsehoods. He is just a plain, unassuming wild - horse of Wyoming descent, whose pedigree is slightly clouded, and who is - sensitive on the question of his ancestry. All he wants is just to be let - alone, and most everybody has decided that he is right. They came do that - conclusion after they had soaked their persons in arnica and glued - themselves together with poultices. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0089.jpg" alt="0089 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0089.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - Perhaps, after a while, he will conclude to eat hay and grow up with the - country, but now he sighs for his native bunch-grass and the buffalo - wallow wherein he has heretofore made his lair. We don't wonder much, - though, that a horse who has lived in the country should be a little - rattled here when he finds the electric light, and bicycles, and lawn - mowers, and Uncle Tom's Cabin troupes, and baled hay at $20 per ton. It - makes him as wild and skittish as it does an eighteen-year-old girl the - first time she comes into town, and for the first time is met by the blare - of trumpets, and the oriental wealth of the circus with its deformed - camels and uniformed tramps driving its miles of cages with no animals in - them. The great natural world and the giddy maelstrom of seething, - perspiring humanity, peculiar to the city world, are two separate and - distinct existences. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ONE TOUCH OF NATURE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">U</span>P in Polk county, - Wisconsin, not long ago, a man who had lost eight children by diphtheria, - while the ninth hovered between life and death with the same disease, went - to the-health officer of the town and asked aid to prevent the spread of - the terrible scourge. The health officer was cool and collected. He did - not get excited over the anguish of the father whose last child was at - that moment hovering upon the outskirts of immortality. He calmly - investigated the matter, and never for a moment lost sight of the fact - that he was a town officer and a professed Christian. - </p> - <p> - "You ask aid, I understand," said he, "to prevent the spread of the - disease, and also that the town shall assist you in procuring new and - necessary clothing to replace that which you have been compelled to burn - in order to stop the further inroads of diphtheria. Am I right?" The poor - man answered affirmatively. - </p> - <p> - "May I ask if your boys who died were Christian boys, and whether they - improved their gospel opportunities and attended the Sabbath school, or - whether they were profane and given over to Sabbath-breaking?" - </p> - <p> - The bereft father said that his boys had never made a profession of - Christianity; that they were hardly old enough to do so, and that they - might have missed some gospel opportunities owing to the fact that they - were poor, and hadn't clothes fit to wear to Sabbath school. Possibly, - too, they had met with wicked companions, and had been taught to swear; he - could not say but they might have sworn, although he thought they would - have turned out to be good boys had they lived. - </p> - <p> - "I am sorry that the case is so bad," said the health officer. "I am led - to believe that God has seen fit to visit you with affliction in order to - express His Divine disapproval of profanity, and I cannot help you. It ill - becomes us poor, weak worms of the dust to meddle with the just judgments - of God. Whether as an individual or as a <i>quasi corporation</i>, it is - well to allow the Almighty to work out His great plan of salvation, and to - avoid all carnal interference with the works of God." - </p> - <p> - The old man went back to his desolated home and to the bedside of his only - living child. I met him yesterday and he told me all about it. - </p> - <p> - "I am not a professor of religion," said he, "but I tell you, Mr. Nye, I - can't believe that this board of health has used me right. Somehow I ain't - worried about my little fellers that is gone. - </p> - <p> - "They was little fellers, anyway, and they wasn't posted on the plan of - salvation, but they was always kind and they always minded me and their - mother. If God is using diphtheria agin perfanity this season they didn't - know it. They was too young to know about it and I was too poor to take - the papers, so I didn't know it nuther. I just thought that Christ was - partial to kids like mine, just the same as He used to be 2,000 years ago - when the country was new. I admit that my little shavers never went to - Sabbath school much, and I wasn't scholar enough to throw much light onto - God's system of retribution, but I told 'em to behave themselves, and they - did, and we had a good deal of fun together—me and the boys—and - they was so bright, and square, and cute that I didn't see how they could - fall under divine wrath, and I don't believe they did. - </p> - <p> - "I could tell you lots of smart little things that they used to do, Mr. - Nye, but they wa'n't mean and cussed. They was just frolicky and gay - sometimes because they felt good. I don't believe God had it in for 'em - bekuz they was like other boys, do you? Fer if I thought so it would kind - o' harden me and the old lady and make us sour on all creation. - </p> - <p> - "Mind you, I don't kick because I'm left alone here in the woods, and the - sun don't seem to shine, and the birds seems a little backward about - singin' this spring, and the house is so quiet, and she is still all the - time and cries in the night when she thinks I am asleep. All that is - tough, Mr. Nye—tough as old Harry, too—but its so, and I ain't - murmurin', but when the board of health says to me that the Ruler of the - Universe is makin' a tower of Northern Wisconsin, mowin' down little boys - with sore throat because they say 'gosh,' I can't believe it. - </p> - <p> - "I know that people who ain't familiar with the facts will shake their - heads and say that I am a child of wrath, but I can't help it, All I can - do is to go up there under the trees where them little graves is, and - think how all-fired pleasant to me them little, short lives was, and how - every one of them little fellers was welcome when he come, poor as I was, - and how I rastled with poor crops and pine stumps to buy cloze for 'em, - and didn't care a cent for style as long as they was well. That's the kind - of heretic I am, and if God is like a father that settles it, He wouldn't - wipe out my family just to establish discipline, I don't believe. The plan - of creation must be on a bigger scale than that, it seems to me, or else - it's more or less of a fizzle. - </p> - <p> - "That board of health is better read than I am. It takes the papers and - can add up figures, and do lots of things that I can't do; but when them - fellers tell me that they represent the town of Balsam Lake and the - Kingdom of Heaven, my morbid curiosity is aroused, and I want to see the - stiffykits of election." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0026" id="link2H_4_0026"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - HOW TO PUT UP A STOVE-PIPE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">P</span>UTTING up - stove-pipe is easy enough, if you only go at it right. In the morning, - breakfast on some light, nutritious diet, and drink two cups of hot - coffee; after which put on a suit of old clothes—or new ones, if you - can get them on time—put on an old pair of buckskin gloves, and, - when everything is ripe for the fatal blow, go and get a good hardware man - who understands his business. If this rule be strictly adhered to, the - gorgeous eighteen-karat-stem-winding profanity of the present day may be - very largely diminished, and the world made better. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - FUN OF BEING A PUBLISHER. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">B</span>EING a publisher - is not all sunshine, joy and johnny-jump-ups, although the gentle and - tractable reader may at times think so. - </p> - <p> - A letter was received two years ago by the publishers of this book, on the - outside of which was the request to the "P. Master of Chicago to give to - the most reliable man in Chicago and oblige." - </p> - <p> - The P. Master thereupon gave the letter to Messrs. Belford, Clarke & - Co., who have sent it to me as a literary curiosity. I want it to go down - to posterity, so I put it in this great work. I simply change the names, - and where words are too obscure, doctor them up a little: - </p> - <p> - Butler, Bates county, Mo., Jan. the 2, 1881. - </p> - <p> - I have a novle fresh and pure from the pen, wich I would like to be - examined by you. I wish to bring it before the public the ensuing summer. - </p> - <p> - I have wrote a good deal for the press, and always with great success. I - wrote once an article on the growth of pie plant wich was copied fur and - wide. You may have heard of me through my poem on "The Cold, Damp Sea or - the Murmuring Wave and its Sad Kerplunk." - </p> - <p> - I dashed it off one summer day for the Scabtown <i>Herald</i>. - </p> - <p> - In it, I enter the fair field of fancy and with exquisite word-painting, I - lead the reader on and on till he forgets that breakfast is ready, and - follows the thrilling career of Algonquin and his own fair-haired Sciataca - through page after page of delirious joy and poetic rithum. - </p> - <p> - In this novle, I have wove a woof of possibilities, criss-crossed with - pictures of my own wild, unfettered fancy, which makes it a work at once - truthful and yet sufficiently unnatural to make it egorly sot for by the - great reading world. - </p> - <p> - The plot of the novle is this: - </p> - <p> - Algonquin is a poor artist, who paints lovely sunsets and things, nights, - and cuts cordwood during the day, struggling to win a competence so that - he can sue for the hand of Sciataca, the wealthy daughter of a plumber. - </p> - <p> - She does not love him much, and treats him coldly; but he perseveres till - one of his exquisite pictures is egorly snapt up by a wealthy man at $2. - The man afterwards turns out to be Sciataca's pa. - </p> - <p> - He says unkind things of Algonquin, and intimates that he is a better - artist in four-foot wood than he is as a sunset man. He says that - Algonquin is more of a Michael Angelo in basswood than anywhere else, and - puts a wet blanket on Sciataca's love for Algonquin. - </p> - <p> - Then Sciataca grows colder than ever to Algonquin, and engages herself to - a wealthy journalist. - </p> - <p> - Just as the wedding is about to take place, Algonquin finds that he is by - birth an Ohio man. Sciataca repents and marries her first love. He secures - the appointment of governor of Wyoming, and they remove to Cheyenne. - </p> - <p> - Then there are many little bursts of pictureskness and other things that I - would like to see in print. - </p> - <p> - I send also a picture of myself which I would like to have in the book. - Tell the artist to tone down the freckles so that the features may be seen - by the observer, and put on a diamond pin, so that it will have the - appearance of wealth, which the author of a book generally wears. - </p> - <p> - It is not wrote very good, but that won't make any difference when it is - in print. - </p> - <p> - When the reading public begins to devour it, and the scads come rolling - in, you can deduct enough for to pay your expenses of printing and - pressing, and send me the balance by post-office money order. Please get - it on the market as soon as possible, as I need a Swiss muzzlin and some - other togs suitable to my position in liturary circles. Yours truly, - Luella Blinker. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - LINGERIE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> LADY'S underwear - is politely spoken of as "lingerie," but the great horrid man crawls into - his decrepit last year's undershirt every Monday morning, and swears - because his new underclothes are so "lingerie" about making their - appearance. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - FRUIT. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> CLASS of croakers - that one meets with everywhere, have steadily maintained that fruit cannot - be raised in this Territory. In conversation with a small boy yesterday, - we learned that this is not true. It is very simple and easy to do, even - in this rigorous climate. He showed us how it is done. He has a small and - delicately constructed harpoon with a tail to it—the apparatus - attached to a long string. He goes into the nearest market, and while the - clerk is cutting out some choice steaks for the man with the store teeth, - the boy throws his harpoon and hauls in on the string. In this way he - raises all kinds of fruit, not only for his own use, but he has some to - sell. - </p> - <p> - He showed us some that he raised. It was as good as any of the fruit that - we buy here, only that there was a little hole on one side, but that don't - hurt the fruit for immediate use. He "puts some down," but don't can or - dry any. He says that he applies his where he feels the worst. When he - feels as though a Greening or a Bellflower would help him, he goes out and - picks it. He showed us a string with a grappling hook attached, on which - he had raised a bushel of assorted fruit this fall, and it wasn't a very - good string, either. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0030" id="link2H_4_0030"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE BONE OF CONTENTION. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>WO self-accused - humorists of Ohio have had a fight over the authorship of the facetious - phenomenon and laugh-jerking success, "Who ever saw a tree box?" The bone - of contention between these two gigantic minds, evidently, is not their - funny-bone. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0031" id="link2H_4_0031"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CONGRATULATORY. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> CANNOT close this - letter without writing my congratulations to Mr. Raymond, of <i>Tribune</i>, - upon the position of Notary Public, which he has secured. True merit - cannot long go unrewarded. I, too, am a Notary Public. So is Patterson of - the Georgetown <i>Miner</i>. And yet we were all once poor boys, unknown - and unrecognized. Patterson was the son of a wealthy editor in Michigan, - who wished "Sniktau" to be a minister of the everlasting gospel, but - "Snik." knew that he was destined to enter upon a wider and more important - field. He devoted himself to the study of profanity in all its various - branches, until now he can swear more men, and do a bigger - "so-help-me-God" business than any other go-as-you-please affidavit man in - Colorado. - </p> - <p> - I have held my office through a part of the administration of Grant, and - all of the Hayes administration, so far, and all through the countless - political changes of the territorial administration. I state this with a - pardonable pride. It shows it was not the result of political influence or - party, but was the natural outgrowth of official rectitude and just - dealing toward all. When a man comes before me to make affidavit or to - acknowledge a deed, I recognize no party, no friend. They are all served - alike and charged alike. - </p> - <p> - I was appointed to this high official position under the administration of - Governor Thayer. At that time C. O. D. French was secretary. I had to - lubricate the wheels of government before I could catch on, as it were. C. - O. D. French wanted $5. I sent it to him. I wrote him that when the people - seemed determined to foist upon me the high official honor of Notary - Public, the paltry sum of $5 should not stand in the way. I have held the - position ever since. Political enemies have endeavored to tear to pieces - my record, both officially and socially, but through evil and good report, - I have still held it. - </p> - <p> - The nation to-day looks to her notaries public for her crowning glory and - successful future. In their hands rest the might and the grandeur and the - glory which, like a halo, in the years to come, will encircle the brow of - Columbia. I feel the responsibility that rests upon me, and I tremble with - the mighty weight of weal or woe for a great nation which hangs upon my - every official act. I presume Mr. Raymond feels the same way. He ought, - certainly, for the eyes of a great republic watch us with feverish - anxiety. It is an awful position to be placed in. Let those who tread the - lower walks of life envy not the brain-and-nerve-destroying position of - the notary public, whose every movement is portentous, and great with its - burden of good or ill for nations unborn. That is what is making an old - man of me before my time, and sprinkling my strawberry blonde hair with - gray. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0032" id="link2H_4_0032"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE AGONY IS OVER. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>T has occurred to - us that the destruction of timber near the Continental Divide, in - Colorado, which is also called, "The Backbone of the Continent," will - naturally be a severe blow to the lumber region of Colorado. - </p> - <p> - We began studying on this joke last summer, and have wrestled prayerfully - with it ever since, with the above result. Do not think, O gay, - lighthearted reader, that these jokes are spontaneous, and that mirth is - pumped out of the recesses of the editor's brain as a grocer pumps coal - oil out of a tin tank. They come with fasting and sadness, and vexation of - spirit, and groanings that cannot be uttered, and weeping and gnashing of - teeth. Now that we are over this joke safely, no doubt that we shall begin - to flesh up again. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0033" id="link2H_4_0033"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - OSTRICH CAVALRY. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE question of - mounting the United States cavalry upon ostriches, as a matter of economy, - is being agitated on the strength of their easy propagation in Arizona and - New Mexico. There being now one hundred and seventeen of these birds in - that region, the result of the increase from nine of them imported several - years ago. However successful ostrich farming may be in and of itself, we - cannot speak too highly of the feasibility of using the bird for cavalry - purposes. It is an established fact that the ostrich is very swift and - will live for days without food, and be verier viceable all the time. - </p> - <p> - A detachment of ostrich cavalry could light out across the enemy's country - like the wind, and easily distance an equal force mounted upon horses, and - after several days' march, instead of a weary, worn, and jaded-out lot of - horses, there would be a flock of ostriches, hungry but in good spirits, - and the quartermasters could issue some empty bottles, and some sardine - boxes, and some government socks, and an old blue overcoat or two, and the - irons from an old ambulance, to each bird; and at evening, while the white - tents were glimmering in the twilight, the birds would lie in a little - knot chewing their cud constantly, and snoring in a subdued way that would - shake the earth for miles around. - </p> - <p> - One great difficulty would be to keep a sufficient guard around the arms - and ammunition to prevent the cavalry from eating them up. Think of a half - dozen ostriches breaking into an inclosure while the guard was asleep, or - off duty, and devouring fifteen or twenty rounds of ammunition in one - night, or stealing into the place where the artillery was encamped, and - filling themselves up with shells and round shot, and Greek fire and - gatling guns. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0034" id="link2H_4_0034"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - AN ELECTRIC BELT. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> CHEYENNE man who - was once mildly struck by lightning, calls it an "electric belt." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0035" id="link2H_4_0035"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE ANNUAL WAIL - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>S usual, the - regular fall wail of the eastern press on the Indian question, charging - that the Indians never committed any depredations unless grossly abused, - has arrived. We are unpacking it this morning and marking the price on it. - Some of it is on manifold, and the remainder on ordinary telegraph paper. - It will be closed out very cheap. Parties wishing to supply boarding - schools with essays and compositions, cannot do better than to apply at - once. We are selling Boston lots, with large brass-mounted words, at two - and three cents per pound. Every package draws a prize of a two-pound can - of baked beans. If large orders are received from any one person, we will - set up the wail and start it to running, free of cost. It may be attached - to any newspaper in a few minutes, and the merest child can readily - understand it. It is very simple. But it is not as simple as the tallowy - poultice on the average eastern paper, who grinds them out at $4 per week, - and found. - </p> - <p> - We also have some old wails, two or three years old—and older—that - have never been used, which we will sell very low. Old Sioux wails, Modoc - wails, etc., etc. They do not seem to meet with a ready sale in the west, - and we rather suspect it's because we are too near the scene of the Indian - troubles. Parties who have been shot at, scalped, or had their wives and - children massacred by the Indians, do not buy eastern wails. - </p> - <p> - Eastern wails are meant for the eastern market, and if we can get this old - stock off our hands, we will hereafter treat the Indian question in our - plain, matter of fact way. - </p> - <p> - The namby-pamby style of Indian editorial and molasses-candy-gush that New - Englanders are now taking in, makes us tired. Life is too short. It is but - a span. Only as a tale that has been told. Just like the coming of a - guest, who gets his meal ticket punched, grabs a tooth pick, and skins - out. - </p> - <p> - Then why do we fool away the golden years that the Creator has given us - for mental improvement and spiritual elevation, in trying to fill up the - enlightened masses with an inferior article of taffy? - </p> - <p> - Every man who knows enough to feed himself out of a maple trough, knows, - or ought to know, that the Indian is treacherous, dishonest, diabolical - and devilish in the extreme, and that he is only waiting the opportunity - to spread out a little juvenile hell over the fair face of nature if you - give him one-sixteenth of a chance. He will wear pants and comb his hair, - and pray and be a class leader at the agency for fifty-nine years, if he - knows that in the summer of the sixtieth year he can murder a few Colorado - settlers and beat out the brains of the industrious farmers. - </p> - <p> - Industry is the foe of the red man. He is a warrior. He has royal blood in - his veins, and the vermin of the Montezumas dance the German over his - filthy carcass. That's the kind of a hair pin he is. He never works. - Nobody but Chinamen and plebians ever work. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0036" id="link2H_4_0036"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - HE WAS NOT A BURGLAR. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE young man who - was seen climbing in a window on Center street yesterday, was not a - burglar as some might suppose, but on the contrary he was a man whose wife - had left the keys to the house lying on the mantel, and locked them in by - means of a spring lock on the front door. He did not climb in the window - because he preferred that way, but because the door unlocked better from - the inside. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0037" id="link2H_4_0037"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - BEST ON, BLESSED MEMORY. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>NE of the - attractions of life at the Cheyenne Indian agency, is the reserved seat - ticket to the regular slaughter-house matinee. The agency butchers kill at - the rate of ten bullocks per hour while at work, and so great was the rush - to the slaughter-pens for the internal economy of the slaughtered animals, - that Major Love found it necessary to erect a box-office and gate, where - none but those holding tickets could enter and provide themselves with - these delicacies. - </p> - <p> - This is not a sensation, it is the plain truth, and we desire to call the - attention of those who love and admire the Indian at a distance of 2,000 - miles, and to the aesthetic love for the beautiful which prompts the - crooked-fanged and dusky bride of old Fly-up-the-Creek to rob the - soap-grease man and the glue factory, that she may make a Cheyenne - holiday. As a matter of fact, common decency will not permit us to enter - into a discussion of this matter. Firstly, it would not be fit for the - high order of readers who are now paying their money for <i>The Boomerang</i>; - and secondly, the Indian maiden at the present moment stands on a lofty - crag of the Rocky mountains, beautiful in her wild simplicity, wearing the - fringed garments of her tribe. To the sentimentalist she appears outlined - against the glorious sky of the new west, wearing a coronet of eagle's - feathers, and a health-corset trimmed with fantastic bead-work and - wonderful and impossible designs in savage art. - </p> - <p> - Shall we then rush in and with ruthless hand shatter this beautiful - picture? Shall we portray her as she appears on her return from the great - slaughter-house benefit and moral aggregation of digestive mementoes? - Shall we draw a picture of her clothed in a horse-blanket, with a necklace - of the false teeth of the pale face, and her coarse unkempt hair hanging - over her smoky features and clinging to her warty, bony neck? No, no. Far - be it from us to destroy the lovely vision of copper-colored grace and - smoke-tanned beauty, which the freckled student of the effete east has - erected in the rose-hued chambers of fancy. Let her dwell there as the - plump-limbed princess of a brave people. Let her adorn the hat-rack of his - imagination—proud, beautiful, grand, gloomy and peculiar—while - as a matter of fact she is at that moment leaving the vestibule of the - slaughter-house, conveying in the soiled lap-robe—which is her sole - adornment—the mangled lungs of a Texas steer. - </p> - <p> - No man shall ever say that we have busted the beautiful Cigar Sign Vision - that he has erected in his memory. Let the graceful Indian queen that has - lived on in his heart ever since he studied history and saw the graphic - picture of the landing of Columbus, in which Columbus is just unsheathing - his bread knife, and the stage Indians are fleeing to the tall brush; let - her, we say, still live on. The ruthless hand that writes nothing but - everlasting truth, and the stub pencil that yanks the cloak of the false - and artificial from cold and perhaps unpalatable fact, null spare this - little imaginary Indian maiden with a back-comb and gold garters. Let her - withstand the onward march of centuries while the true Indian maiden eats - the fricasseed locust of the plains and wears the cavalry pants of - progress. We may be rough and thoughtless many times, but we cannot come - forward and ruthlessly shatter the red goddess at whose shrine the - far-away student of Black-hawk and other fourth-reader warriors, worship. - </p> - <p> - As we said, we decline to pull the cloak from the true Indian maiden of - to-day and show her as she is. That cloak may be all she has on, and no - gentleman will be rude even to the daughter of Old Bob-Tail-Flush, the - Cheyenne brave. - </p> - <h3> - A JUDICIAL WARBLER - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">J</span>ACOB BEESON BLAIR, - who has been recently renominated as associate justice of the Supreme - Court of Wyoming, and judge of the second judicial district, with his - headquarters at this place, is one of the most able and consistent - officials that Wyoming ever had. I might go further and say that he stands - at the head of them all. A year ago, as an evidence of his popularity, I - will say that he was unanimously nominated to represent the Territory in - Congress, which nomination he gracefully declined. He has put his spare - capital into mines, and shown that he is a resident of Wyoming, and not of - the classic halls of Washington, or the sea-beat shores of "Maryland, my - Maryland." - </p> - <p> - Two years ago I had the pleasure of making a trip to the mines on Douglas - creek, or, as it was then called, Last Chance, in company with Judge Blair - and Delegate Downey, owners of the Keystone gold mine in that district. - The party also included Governor Hoyt, Assayer Murphy, Postmaster Hayford, - and several other prominent men. Judge Brown and Sheriff Boswell were also - in the party at the mine. Judge Blair is, by natural choice, a Methodist, - and renewed our spiritual strength throughout the trip in a way that was - indeed pleasant and profitable. The Judge sings in a soft, subdued kind of - a way that makes the walls of the firmament crack, and the heavens roll - together like a scroll. When he sings—= - </p> - <p> - ```How tedious and tasteless the hours - </p> - <p> - ````When Jesus no longer I see,= - </p> - <p> - the coyotes and jack-rabbits within a radius of seventy-five miles, hunt - their respective holes, and remain there till the danger has passed. - </p> - <p> - Looking at the Judge as he sits on the bench singeing the road agent for - ten years in solitary confinement, one would not think he could warble so - when he gets into the mountains. But he can. He is a regular prima donna, - so to speak. - </p> - <p> - When he starts to sing, the sound is like an Æolian harp, sighing through - the pine forests and dying away upon the silent air. Gradually it swells - into the wild melody of the hotel gong. - </p> - <h3> - A FIRE AT A BALL. - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">D</span>OWN at Gunnison - last week a large, select ball was given in a hall, one end of which was - partitioned off for sleeping rooms. A young man who slept in one of these - rooms, and who felt grieved because he had not been invited, and had to - roll around and suffer while the glad throng tripped the light bombastic - toe, at last discovered a knot-hole in the partition through which he - could watch the giddy multitude. While peeping through the knot-hole, he - discovered that one of the dancers, who had an aperture in the heel of his - shoe and another in his sock to correspond, was standing by the wall with - the ventilated foot near the knot-hole. It was but the work of a moment to - hold a candle against this exposed heel until the thick epidermis had been - heated red hot. Then there was a wail that rent the battlements above and - drowned the blasts of the music. There was a wild scared cry of "fire": a - frightened throng rushing hither and thither, and then, where mirth and - music and rum had gladdened the eye and reddened the cheek a moment ago, - all was still save the low convulsive titter of a scantily clad man, as he - lay on the floor of his donjon tower and dug his nails in the floor. - </p> - <h3> - A LITTLE PUFF. - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">S</span>OME time ago the - Cheyenne <i>Sun</i> noticed that Judge Crosby, known to Colorado and - Wyoming people quite well, was making strenuous efforts, with some show of - success, to obtain the appointment of Associate Justice of the Supreme - Court of Wyoming. Since that, I have noticed with great sorrow that the - President, in his youthful thoughtlessness and juvenile independence, has - appointed another man for the position. - </p> - <p> - I speak of this because so many Colorado and Wyoming people knew Mr. - Crosby and had an interest in him, as I might say. Some of us only knew - him fifty cents worth, while others knew him for various amounts up to $5 - and $10. He was an earnest, unflagging and industrious borrower. When - times were dull he used to borrow of me. Then I would throw up my hands - and let him go through me. It was not a hazardous act at all on my part. - </p> - <p> - The Judge knew everybody, and everybody knew him, and seemed nervous when - they saw him, for fear that the regular assessment was about to be made. - Every few days he wanted "to buy a pair of socks," but he never bought - them. Forty or fifty of us got together and compared notes the other day. - We ascertained that not less than $100 had been contributed to the Crosby - Sock Fund during his stay here, and yet the old man wore the same socks to - Washington that he had worn in the San Juan country. A like amount was - also contributed to the Wash Bill Fund, and still he never had any washing - done. We often wondered why so much money was squandered on laundry - expenses, and yet, that he should have the general perspective and spicy - fragrance of a Mormon emigrant train. He used to come into my office and - be sociable with me because he was a journalist. It surprised me at first - to meet a journalist who never changed his shirt. I thought that - journalists, as a rule, wore diamond studs and had to be looked at through - smoked glass. - </p> - <p> - He liked me. He told me so one day when we were alone, and after I had - promised to tell no one. Then he asked me for a quarter. I told him I had - nothing less than a fifty-cent piece. He said he would go and get it - changed. I said it would be a shame for an old man, and lame at that, to - go out and get it changed; so I said I would go. I went out and played - thirteen of my eternal revolving games of billiards, and about dusk went - back to the office whistling a merry roundelay, knowing that he had - starved out and gone away. I found him at my desk, where he had written to - every Senator and Representative in Congress, and every man who had ever - been a Senator or Representative in Congress; likewise every man, woman - and child who ever expected to be a Senator or a Representative in - Congress; also, to every superintendent and passenger agent of every known - line of railway, for a pass to every known point of the civilized world, - and this correspondence he had used my letter heads, and envelopes and - stamps, and he wasn't done either. He was just getting animated and - warming up to his work, and perspiring so that I had to open the hall door - and burn some old gum overshoes and other disinfectants before I could - breathe. - </p> - <p> - A large society is being formed here and in Cheyenne, called the "Crosby - Sufferer Aid Association." It is for the purpose of furnishing speedy - relief to the sufferers from the Crosby outbreak. We desire the - cooperation and assistance of Colorado philanthropists, and will, so far - as possible, furnish relief to Colorado sufferers from the great scourge. - </p> - <p> - Later.—Henry Rothschild Crosby, Esq., passed through here a few - evenings since, on his way to Evanston, Wyoming, where he takes charge of - his office as receiver of public moneys for the western land office. - </p> - <p> - Henry seems to feel as though I had not stood by him through his political - struggle at Washington. At least I learn from other parties that he does - not seem to hunger and thirst after my genial society, and thinks that - what little influence I may have had, has not been used in his interest. - </p> - <p> - That is where Henry hit the nail on the head, with that far-sighted - statesmanship and clear, unerring logic for which he is so remarkable. - </p> - <p> - I do not blame those who were instrumental in securing his appointment, - remember. Not at all. No doubt I would have done the same thing if I had - been in Washington all winter, and Henry had hovered around me for - breakfast, and for lunch, and for dinner, and for supper, and for between - meals, and for picnics, and had borrowed my money, and my overcoat, and my - meal ticket, and my bath ticket, and my pool checks, and my socks, and my - <i>robs de nuit</i>, and my tooth brush, and my gas and writing materials - and stationery; but it should be born in mind that I am a resident of - Wyoming. I have property here and it behooves me to do and say what I can - for the interests of our people. I may have to borrow some things myself - some day and I don't want to find, then, that they have all been borrowed. - </p> - <p> - Let Hank stand back a little while and give the other boys a chance. - </p> - <p> - [Note.—In order to give the gentle reader an idea of Mr. Crosby's - personal appearance, I have consented to draw a picture of him myself. It - isn't very pretty, but it is horribly accurate. It is so life-like, that - it seems as though I could almost detect his maroon-colored breath.—B. - N] - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0009" id="linkimage-0009"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0122.jpg" alt="0122 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0122.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0038" id="link2H_4_0038"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - GENIUS AND WHISKY. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> SEE in a recent - issue of the <i>Sun</i> a short article clipped from a Sidney paper, - relative to William Henry Harrison, which brings to my mind fresh - recollections of the long ago. I knew William too. I knew him for a small - amount which I wish I had now, to give to suffering Ireland. He came upon - me in the prime of summer time and said he was a newspaper man. That - always gets me. When a man says to me that he is a newspaper man, and - proves it by showing the usual discouraging state of resources and - liabilities, I always come forward with the collateral. - </p> - <p> - William wanted to go into the mountains and recover his exhausted - nerve-force, and build up his brain-power with our dry, bracing air. He - knew Mr. Foley, who was then working a claim in Last Chance, so he went - out there to tone up his exhausted energies. He went out there, and after - a few weeks a note came in from the man with the historical cognomen, - asking me to send him a gallon of best Old Crow. I went to my guide book - and encyclopoedia and ascertained that this was a kind of drink. I then - purchased the amount and sent it on. - </p> - <p> - Mr. Foley said that William stayed by the jug till it was dry, and then he - came into town. I met him on the street and asked him how his intellect - seemed after his picnic in the mountains. He said she was all right now, - and he felt just as though he could do the entire staff work on the New - York <i>Herald</i> for two weeks and not sweat a hair. But he didn't pay - for the Old Crow. It slipped his mind. When time hung heavy on my hands, I - used to write William a note and cheerfully dun him for the amount. I - would also ask him how his intellect seemed by this time, and also make - other little jocular remarks. But he has never forwarded the amount. If - the bill had been for pantaloons, or grub, or other luxuries, I might have - excused him, but when I loan a man money for a staple like whisky. I don't - think it's asking too much to hope that in the flight of time it would be - paid back. However, I can't help it now. It's about time that another - bogus journalist should put in an appearance. I have a few dollars ahead, - and I am yearning to lay out the sum on struggling genius. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0039" id="link2H_4_0039"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE TWO-HEADED GIRL - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE cultivated - two-headed girl has visited the west. It is very rare that a town the size - of Laramie experiences the rare treat of witnessing anything so enjoyable. - In addition to the mental feast which such a thing affords, one goes away - feeling better—feeling that life has more in it to live for, and is - not after all such a vale of tears as he had at times believed it. - </p> - <p> - Through the trials and disappointments of this earthly pilgrimage, the - soul is at times cast down and discouraged. Man struggles against - ill-fortune and unlooked-for woes, year after year, until he becomes - misanthropical and soured, but when a two-headed girl comes along and he - sees her it cheers him up. She speaks to his better nature in two - different languages at one and the same time, and at one price. - </p> - <p> - When I went to the show I felt gloomy and apprehensive. The eighteenth - ballot had been taken and the bulletins seemed to have a tiresome - sameness. The future of the republic was not encouraging. I felt as - though, if I could get first cost for the blasted thing, I would sell it. - </p> - <p> - I had also been breaking in a pair of new boots that day, and spectators - had been betting wildly on the boots, while I had no backers at three - o'clock in the afternoon, and had nearly decided to withdraw on the last - ballot. I went to the entertainment feeling as though I should criticise - it severely. - </p> - <p> - The two-headed girl is not beautiful. Neither one of her, in fact, is - handsome. There is quite a similarity between the two, probably because - they have been in each other's society a great deal and have adopted the - same ways. - </p> - <p> - She is an Ethiopian by descent and natural choice, being about the same - complexion as Frank Miller's oil blacking, price ten cents. - </p> - <p> - She was at one time a poor slave, but by her winning ways and genuine - integrity and genius, she has won her way to the hearts of the American - people. She has thoroughly demonstrated the fact that two heads are better - than one. - </p> - <p> - A good sized audience welcomed this popular favorite. When she came - forward to the footlights and made her two-ply bow she was greeted by - round after round of applause from the <i>elite</i> of the city. - </p> - <p> - I felt pleased and gratified. The fact that a recent course of scientific - lectures here was attended by from fifteen to thirty people, and the - present brilliant success of the two-headed girl proved to me, beyond a - doubt, that we live in an age of thought and philosophical progress. - </p> - <p> - Science may be all right in its place, but does it make the world better? - Does it make a permanent improvement on the minds and thoughts of the - listener? Do we go away from such a lecture feeling that we have made a - grand stride toward a glad emancipation from the mental thraldom of - ignorance and superstition? Do people want to be assailed, year after - year, with a nebular theory, and the Professor Huxley theory of natural - selections and things of that nature? - </p> - <p> - No! 1,000 times no! - </p> - <p> - They need to be led on quietly by an appeal to their better natures. They - need to witness a first-class bureau of monstrosities, such as men with - heads as big as a band wagon, women with two heads, Cardiff giants, men - with limbs bristling out all over them like the velvety bloom on a prickly - pear. - </p> - <p> - When I get a little leisure, and can attend to it, - </p> - <p> - I am going to organize a grand constellation of living wonders of this - kind, and make thirteen or fourteen hundred farewell tours with it, not so - much to make money, but to meet a long-felt, want of the American people - for something which will give a higher mental tone to the tastes of those - who never lag in their tireless march toward perfection. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0040" id="link2H_4_0040"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE CULTIVATION OF GUM. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>N idea has - occurred to us, that, situated as we are at a considerable elevation, and - being comparatively out of the line of tropical growth, we should try to - propagate plants that will withstand the severe winter and the sudden and - sometimes fatal surprise of spring. Plants in this locality worry along - very well through the winter in a kind of semi-unconscious state, but when - spring drops down on them about the Fourth of July they are not prepared - for it, and they yield to the severe nervous shock and pass with a gentle - gliding motion up the flume. - </p> - <p> - This has suggested to our mind the practicability of cultivating the - chewing-gum plant. We advance this thought with some timidity, knowing - that our enemies will use all these novel and untried ideas against us in - a presidential campaign; but the good of the country is what we are after - and we do not want to be misunderstood. - </p> - <p> - Chewing-gum is rapidly advancing in price, and the demand is far beyond - the supply. The call for gum is co-extensive with the onward move of - education. They may be said to go hand in hand. Wherever institutions of - learning are found, there you will see the tall, graceful form of the - chewing-gum tree rising toward heaven with its branches extending toward - all humanity. - </p> - <p> - Here, in Wyoming, we could easily propagate this plant. It is hardy and - don't seem to care whether winter lingers in the lap of spring or not. We - have the figures, also, to substantiate this article. We will figure on - the basis of twenty boxes of gum to the plant—and this is a very low - estimate, indeed—then the plants may easily be three feet apart. - This would be 3,097,600 plants to the acre, or 61,952,000 boxes, - containing 100 chews in each box, or 6,195,200,000 chews to the acre. We - have a million acres that could be used in this way, which would yield in - a good year 6,195,200,000,000,000 chews at one cent each. - </p> - <p> - The reader will see at a glance that this is no wild romantic notion on - our part, but a terrible reality. Wyoming could easily supply the present - demand and wag the jaws of nations yet unborn. It makes us tired to think - of it. - </p> - <p> - Of course, anything like this will meet with strong opposition on the part - of those who have no faith in enterprises, but let a joint stock company - be formed with sufficient capital to purchase the tools and gum seed, and - we will be responsible for the result. Very likely the ordinary spruce gum - (made of lard and resin) would be best as an experiment, after which the - prize-package gum plant could be tried. - </p> - <p> - These experiments could be followed up with a trial of the gum drop, gum - overshoe, gum arabic and other varieties of gum. Doctor Hayford would be a - good man to take hold of this. Col. Donnellan says, however, that he don't - think it is practical. No use of enlarging on this subject—it will - never be tried. Probably the town is full of people who are willing to - chew the gum, but wouldn't raise a hand toward starting a gum orchard. We - are sick and tired of pointing out different avenues to wealth only to be - laughed at and ridiculed. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0041" id="link2H_4_0041"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - WE HAVE REASONED IT OUT. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> HOME magazine - comes to us this week, in which we find the following, connected with a - society article. After alluding to the young men of the nineteenth - century, and their peculiarities, it continues: "In fact, many of the more - fashionable strains are all black, except the distinctive white feet and - snout, so noticeable at this epoch in our history." - </p> - <p> - This, it would seem, will make a radical change in the prevailing young - man. With white feet and white snout, the masher must also be black aside - from those features. This will add the charm of extreme novelty to our - social gatherings, and furnish sufficient excuse for a man like us, with - blonde rind and strawberry blonde feet, staying at home, with the ban of - society and a loose smoking jacket on him. - </p> - <p> - Farther on, this peculiar essay says: "He is noted for his wonderfully - fine blood, the bone is fine, the hair thin, the carcass long but broad, - straight and deep-sided, with smooth skin, susceptible to no mange or - other skin diseases." - </p> - <p> - We almost busted our capacity trying to figure out this startler in the - fashion line, and wore ourself down to a mere geometrical line in our - endeavor to fathom this thing when, yesterday, in reading an article in - the same paper entitled, "The Berkshire Hog," we discovered that the - sentences above referred to had evidently been omitted by the foreman, and - put in the society article. It is unnecessary to state that a blessed calm - has settled down in the heart of this end of <i>The Boomerang</i>. Time, - at last, makes all things size up in proper shape. Blessed be the time - which matures the human mind and the promissory note. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0042" id="link2H_4_0042"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CARVING SCHOOLS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HEY are agitating - the matter of instituting carving schools in the east, so that the rising - generation will be able to pass down through the corridors of time without - its lap full of dressing and its bosom laden with gravy and remorse. The - students at this school will wear barbed-wire masks while practicing. - These masks will be similar to those worn by German students, who slice - each other up while obtaining an education. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0043" id="link2H_4_0043"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - DIGNITY. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">C</span>OLONEL INGERSOLL - said, at Omaha the other day, that he hated a dignified man and that he - never knew one who had a particle of sense; that such men never learned, - and were constantly forgetting something. - </p> - <p> - Josh Billings says that gravity is no more the sign of mental strength - than a paper collar is the evidence of a shirt. - </p> - <p> - This leads us to say that the man who ranks as a dignified snoozer, and - banks on winning wealth and a deathless name through this one source of - strength, is in the most unenviable position of any one we know. Dignity - does not draw. It answers in place of intellectual tone for twenty - minutes, but after awhile it fails to get there. Dignity works all right - in a wooden Indian or a drum major, but the man who desires to draw a - salary through life and to be sure of a visible means of support, will do - well to make some other provision than a haughty look and the air of - patronage. Colonel Ingersoll may be wrong in the matter of future - punishment, but his head is pretty level on the dignity question. Dignity - works all right with a man who is worth a million dollars and has some - doubts about his suspenders; but the man who is to get a large sum of - money before he dies, and get married and accomplish some good, must place - himself before his fellow men in the attitude of one who has ideas that - are not too lonely and isolated. - </p> - <p> - Let us therefore aim higher than simply to appear cold and austere. Let us - study to aid in the advancement of humanity and the increase of baled - information. Let us struggle to advance and improve the world, even though - in doing so we may get into ungraceful positions and at times look - otherwise than pretty. Thus shall we get over the ground, and though we - may do it in the eccentric style of the camel, we will get there, as we - said before, and we will have camped and eaten our supper while the - graceful and dignified pedestrian lingers along the trail. - </p> - <p> - Works, not good clothes and dignity, are the grand hailing sign, and he - who halts and refuses to jump over an obstacle because he may not do it so - as to appear as graceful as a gazelle, will not arrive until the - festivities are over. - </p> - <h3> - A SNORT OF AGONY. - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>UR attention has - been called to a remark made by the New York <i>Tribune</i>, which would - intimate that the journal referred to didn't like Acting-Postmaster F. - Hatton, and characterizing the editor of The Boomerang as a "journalistic - pal" of General Hatton's. We certainly regret that circumstances have made - it necessary for us to rebuke the <i>Tribune</i> and speak, harshly to it. - Frank Hatton may be a journalistic pal of ours. Perhaps so. We would be - glad to class him as a journalistic pal of ours, even though he may not - have married rich. We think just as much of General Hatton as though he - had married wealthy. We can't all marry rich and travel over the country, - and edit our papers vicariously. That is something that can only happen to - the blessed few. - </p> - <p> - It would be nice for us to go to Europe and have our <i>pro tem.</i> - editor at home working for $20 per week, and telegraphing us every few - minutes to know whether he should support Cornell or Folger. The pleasure - of being an editor is greatly enhanced by such privileges, and we often - feel that if we could get away from the hot, close office of The - Boomerang, and roam around over Scandahoovia and the Bosphorus, and mould - the policy of <i>The Boomerang</i> by telegraph, and wear a cork helmet - and tight pants, we would be far happier. Still it may be that Whitelaw - Reid is no happier with his high priced wife and his own record of crime, - than we are in our simplicity here in the wild and rugged west, as we - write little epics for our one-horse paper, and borrow tobacco of the - foreman. - </p> - <p> - It is not all of life to live, nor all of death to die. We should live for - a purpose, Mr. Reid, not aimlessly like a blind Indian, 200 miles from the - reservation at Christmas-tide. - </p> - <p> - Now, Mr. Reid, if you will just tell Mr. Nicholson, when you get back - home, that in referring to us as a journalistic pal of Frank Hatton he has - exceeded his authority, we will feel grateful to you—and so will Mr. - Hatton. If you don't do it, we shall be called upon to stop the <i>Tribune</i>, - and subscribe for <i>Harper's Weekly</i>. This we should dislike to do - very much, because we have taken the <i>Tribune</i> for years. We used to - take it when the editor stayed at home and wrote for it. Our father used - to take the <i>Tribune</i>, too. He is the editor of the Omaha <i>Republican</i>, - and needs a good New York paper, but he has quit taking the <i>Tribune</i>. - He said he must withdraw his patronage from a paper that is edited by a - tourist. All the Nyes will now stop taking the <i>Tribune</i>, and all - subscribe for some other dreary paper. We don't know just whether it will - be <i>Harper's Weekly</i>, or the <i>Shroud</i>. - </p> - <p> - Later.—Mr. Reid went through here on Tuesday, and told us that he - might have been wrong in referring to us as a journalistic pal of Frank - Hatton, and in fact did not know that the <i>Tribune</i> had said so. He - simply told Nicholson to kind of generally go for the administration, and - turn over a great man every morning with his scathing pen, and probably - Nicholson had kind of run out of great men, and tackled the North American - Indian fighter of <i>The Boomerang</i>. Mr. Reid also said, as he rubbed - some camphor ice on his nose, and borrowed a dollar from his wife to buy - his supper here, that when he got back to New York, he was going to write - some pieces for the <i>Tribune</i> himself. He was afraid he couldn't - trust Nicholson, and the paper had now got where it needed an editor right - by it all the time. He said also that he couldn't afford to be wakened up - forty times a night to write telegrams to New York, telling the <i>Tribune</i> - who to indorse for governor. It was a nuisance, he said, to stand at the - center of a way station telegraph office, in his sun-flower night shirt, - and write telegrams to Nicholson, telling him who to sass the next - morning. Once, he said, he telegraphed him to dismember a journalistic pal - of Frank Hatton's, and the operator made a mistake. So the next morning - the <i>Tribune</i> had a regular old ring-tail peeler of an editorial, - which planted one of Mr. Reid's special friends in an early grave. So we - may know from this that moulding the course of a great paper by means of - red messages, is fraught with some unpleasant features. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0010" id="linkimage-0010"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0137.jpg" alt="0137 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0137.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0044" id="link2H_4_0044"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ALWAYS BOOM AT THE TOP. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">Y</span>OUNG man, do not - stand lounging on the threshold of the glorious future, while the coming - years are big with possibilities, but take off your coat and spit on your - hands and win the wealth which the world will yield you. You may not be - able to write a beautiful poem, and die of starvation; but you can go to - work humbly as a porter and buy a whisk broom, and wear people's clothes - out with it, and in five years you can go to Europe in your own special - car. As the strawberry said to the box, "there is always room at the top." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0045" id="link2H_4_0045"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - INACCURATE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>NCE more has - Laramie been, slandered and traduced. Once more our free and peculiar - style has been spoken lightly of and our pride trailed in the dust. - </p> - <p> - Last week the <i>Police Gazette</i>, an illustrated family journal of - great merit, appeared with a half page steel engraving, executed by one of - the old masters, representing two Laramie girls on horseback yanking a fly - drummer along the street at a gallop, because he tried to make a mash on - them and they did not yearn for his love. - </p> - <p> - There are two or three little errors in the illustration, to which we - desire to call the attention of the eastern reader of Michael Angelo - masterpieces that appear in the Police Gazette. First, the saloon or - hurdy-gurdy shown in the left foreground is not the exact representation - of any building in Laramie, and the dobe pig pens and A tents of which the - town seems to be composed, are not true to nature. - </p> - <p> - Again, the streets do not look like the streets of Laramie. They look more - like the public thoroughfares of Tie City or Jerusalem. Then the girls do - not look like Laramie girls, and we are acquainted with all the girls in - town, and consider ourself a judge of those matters. The girls in this - illustration look too much as though they had mingled a great deal with - the people of the world. They do not have that shy, frightened and pure - look that they ought to have. They appear to be that kind of girls that - one finds in the crowded metropolis under the gas light, yearning to get - acquainted with some one. - </p> - <p> - There are several features of the illustration which we detect as - erroneous, and among the rest we might mention, casually, that the - incident illustrated never occurred here at all. Aside from these little - irregularities above named, the picture is no doubt a correct one. We - realize fully that times get dull even in New York sometimes, and it is - necessary, occasionally, to draw on the imagination, but the <i>Gazette</i> - artist ought to pick up some hard town like Cheyenne, and let us alone - awhile. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0046" id="link2H_4_0046"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE WESTERN "CHAP." - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">F</span>EW know how - voraciously we go for anything in the fashion line. Many of our exchanges - are fashion magazines, and nothing is read with such avidity as these - highly pictorial aggregations of literature. If there are going to be any - changes in the male wardrobe this winter, it behooves us to know what they - are. We intend to do so. It is our high prerogative and glorious privilege - to live in a land of information. If we do not provide ourself with a few, - it is our own fault. Man has spanned the ocean with an electric cable, and - runs his street cars with another cable that puts people out of their - misery as quick as a giant-powder caramel in a man's chest-protector, - under certain circumstances. Science has done almost everything for us, - except to pay our debts without leaning toward repudiation. We are making - rapid strides in the line of progression. That is, the scientists are. - Every little while you can hear a scientist burst a basting thread off his - overalls, while making a stride. - </p> - <p> - It is equally true that we are marching rapidly along in the line of - fashion. Change, unceasing change, is the war cry, and he who undertakes - to go through the winter with the stage costumes of the previous winter, - will find, as Voltaire once said, that it is a cold day. - </p> - <p> - We look with great concern upon the rapid changes which a few weeks have - made. The full voluptuous swell and broad cincha of the chaparajo have - given place to the tight pantaletts with feathers on them, conveying the - idea that they cannot be removed until death, or an earthquake shall - occur.. - </p> - <p> - "Chaps," as they are vulgarly called, deserve more than a passing notice. - They are made of leather with fronts of dog-skin with the hair on. The - inside breadths are of calf or sheep-skin, made plain, but trimmed down - the side seam with buckskin bugles and oil-tanned bric-a-brac of the time - of Michael Angelo Kelley. On the front are plain pockets used for holding - the ball programme and the "pop." The pop is a little design in nickel and - steel, which is often used as an inhaler. It clears out the head, and - leaves the nasal passages and phrenological chart out on the sidewalk, - where pure air is abundant. "Chaps" are rather attractive while the wearer - is on horseback, or walking toward you, but when he chasses and "all waltz - to places," you discern that the seat of the garment has been postponed <i>sine - die</i>. This, at first, induces a pang in the breast of the beholder. - Later, however, you become accustomed to the barren and perhaps even stern - demeanor of the wearer. You gradually gain control of yourself and master - your raging desire to rush up and pin the garment together. The dance goes - on. The <i>elite</i> take an adult's dose of ice-cream and other - refreshments; the leader of the mad waltz glides down the hall with his - mediæval "chaps," swishing along as he sails; the violin gives a last - shriek; the superior fiddle rips the robe of night wide open, with a - parting bzzzzt; the mad frolic is over, and $5 have gone into the dim and - unfrequented freight depot of the frog-pond-environed past. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0047" id="link2H_4_0047"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - AN INCIDENT OF THE CAMPAIGN. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">C</span>OLONEL THOMAS - JUNIUS DAYTON entered the democratic headquarters on Second street, a few - nights ago, having been largely engaged, previously, in talking over the - political situation, with sugar in it. The first person he saw on - entering, was an individual in the back part of the room, writing. - </p> - <p> - Colonel Dayton ordered him out. - </p> - <p> - The man would not go, maintaining that he had a right to meet together in - democratic headquarters as often as he desired. The Colonel still insisted - that he was an outsider and could have nothing in common with the - patriotic band of bourbons whose stamping ground he had thus entered. - </p> - <p> - Finally the excitement became so great that a man was called in to umpire - the game and sponge off the hostiles, but before blood was shed a - peacemaker asked Colonel Dayton what the matter was with him. - </p> - <p> - "This man is a Democrat. I've known him for years. What's the reason you - don't want him in here?" - </p> - <p> - "That's all right," said the Colonel, with his eyes starting from their - sockets with indignation, "you people can be easily fooled. I cannot. I - know him to be a spy in our camp. I have smelled his breath and find he is - not up in the Ohio degree. I have also discovered him to be able to read - and write. He cannot answer a single democratic test. He is a bogus - bourbon, and my sentiments are that he should be gently but firmly fired. - If the band will play something in D that is kind of tremulous, I will - take off my coat and throw the gentleman over into a vacant lot. I think I - know a Democrat when I see him. Perhaps you do not. He cannot respond to a - single grand hailing sign. He hasn't the cancelled internal revenue stamp - on his nose, and his breath lacks that spicy election odor which we know - so well. Away with him! Fling his palpitating remains over the drawbridge - and walk on him. Spread him out on the ramparts and jam him into the - culverin. Those are my sentiments. We want no electroplate Democrats here. - This is the stronghold of the highly aesthetic and excessively <i>bon-ton</i>, - Andrew Jackson peeler, and if justice cannot be done to this usurper by - the party, I shall have to go out and get an infirm hoe handle and - administer about $9 worth of rebuke myself." - </p> - <p> - He went out after the hoe handle, and while absent, the stranger said he - didn't want to be the cause of any ill feeling, or to stand in the way of - the prosperity of his party, so he would not remain. He put on his hat and - stole out into the night, a quiet martyr to the blind rage of Colonel - Dayton, and has not since been seen. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0048" id="link2H_4_0048"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - WHY DO THEY DO IT? - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">B</span>EN HILL, died, - after suffering intolerable anguish from a tobacco cancer, caused by - excessive smoking. The consumers of the western-made cigar are now and - then getting a nice little dose of leprosy from the Chinese constructed - cigars of San Francisco, and yet people go right on inviting the most - horrible diseases known to science, by smoking, and smoking to excess. Why - do they do it? It is one of those deep, dark mysteries that nothing but - death can unravel. We cannot fathom it, that's certain. (Give us a light, - please.) - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0049" id="link2H_4_0049"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - TWO STYLES. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>NE of the - peculiarities of correspondence is witnessed at this office every day, to - which we desire to call the attention of our growing girls and boys, who - ought to know that there is a long way and a short way of saying things on - paper; a right way and a wrong way to express thoughts on a postal card, - just as there is in conversation. We all admire the business man who is - terse and to the point, and we dislike the man who hangs on to the door - knob as though life was a never-ending summer dream, and refuses to say - good-bye. It's so with correspondence. In touching upon the letters - received at this office, we refer to a car load received at this office - during the past year, relating to sample copies. Still they are a good - specimen of the different styles of doing the same thing. - </p> - <p> - For instance, here is a line which tells the story in brief, without - wearing out your eyes and days by ponderous phrases and useless verbiage. - "Useless verbiage and frothy surplusage" is a synonym which we discovered - in '75, while excavating for the purpose of laying the foundations of our - imposing residence up the gulch. Persons using the same will please fork - over ten per cent of the gross receipts: - </p> - <p> - <i>"Bangor, Maine, 11-10-82.</i> - </p> - <p> - <i>"Find 10c for which send sample copy Boomerang to above address. Yours, - etc.,</i> - </p> - <p> - <i>"Thomas Billings."</i> - </p> - <p> - Some would have said "please" find inclosed ten cents. That is not - absolutely necessary. If you put ten cents in the letter that covers all - seeming lack of politeness and it's all right. If, however, you are out of - a job, and have nothing else to do but to write for sample copies of - papers, and wait for the department at Washington to allow you a pension, - you might say, "Please find inclosed," etc., otherwise the ten cents will - make it all right. - </p> - <p> - Here's another style, which evinces a peculiarity we do not admire. It - bespeaks the man who thinks that life and its associations are given us in - order to wear out the time, waiting patiently meanwhile for Gabriel to - render his little overture. - </p> - <p> - It occurs to us that life is real, life is earnest, and so forth. We - cannot sit here in the gathering gloom and read four pages of a letter, - which only expresses what ought to have been expressed in four lines. We - feel that we are here to do the greatest good to the greatest-number, and - we dislike the correspondent who hangs on to the literary door knob, so to - speak, and absorbs our time, which is worth $5.35 per hour. - </p> - <p> - Here we go— - </p> - <p> - "New Centreville, Wis., Nov. 8, 1882. - </p> - <p> - "Mr. William Nye, esq., Laramie City, Wyoming: - </p> - <p> - "Dear Sir:—I have often saw in our home papers little pieces cut out - of your paper The Larmy Boomerang, yet I have never saw the paper itself. - I hardly pick up a paper, from the Fireside. Friend to the Christian at - Work, that I do not see something or a nother from your faseshus pen and - credited to <i>The Boomerang</i>. I have asked our bookstore for a copy of - the paper, and he said go to grass, there wasn't no such perioddickle in - existence. He is a liar; but I did not tell him so because I am just - recovering from a case of that kind now, which swelled both eyes shet and - placed me under the doctor's care. - </p> - <p> - "It was the result of a campaign lie, and at this moment I do not remember - whether it was the other man or me which told it. Things got confused and - I am not clear on the matter now. - </p> - <p> - "I send ten cents in postage stamps, hoping you will favor me with a - speciment copy of <i>The Boomerang</i> and I may suscribe. I send postage - stamps because they are more convenient to me, and I suppose that you can - use them all right as you must have a good deal of writing to do. I intend - to read the paper thorrow and give my folks the benefit also. I love to - read humerrus pieces to my children and my wife and hear their gurgly - laugh well up like a bobollink's. I now take an estern paper which is - gloomy in its tendencies, and I call it the Morg. It looks at the dark - side of life and costs $3 a year and postage. - </p> - <p> - "So send the speciment if you please and I will probbly suscribe for The - Boomerang, as I have saw a good many extrax from it in our papers here and - I have not as yet saw your paper." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0050" id="link2H_4_0050"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - GOSHALLHEMLOCK SALVE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE bullwacking, - mule-skinning proprieter of a life-giving salve wants us to advertise for - him, and to state that, with his Goshallhemlock salve he "can cure all - chronicle diseases whatever." - </p> - <p> - "We would do it if we could, sweet being; but owing to the fullness of the - paper and the foreman, we must turn you cruelly away. - </p> - <p> - "Yours truly, - </p> - <p> - "James Letson." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0051" id="link2H_4_0051"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE STAGE BALD-HEAD. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>OST everyone, who - was not born blind, knows that the stage bald-head is a delusion and a - snare. The only all-wool, yard-wide bald-head we remember on the American - stage, is that of Dunstan Kirke as worn by the veteran Couldock. - </p> - <p> - Effie Ellsler wears her own hair and so does Couldock, but Couldock wears - his the most. It is the most worn anyhow. - </p> - <p> - What we started out to say, is, that the stage bald-head and the average - stage whiskers make us weary with life. The stage bald-head is generally - made of the internal economy of a cow, dried so that it shines, and cut to - fit the head as tightly as a potatoe sack would naturally fit a billiard - cue. It is generally about four shades whiter than the red face of the - wearer, or <i>vice versa</i>. We do not know which is the worst violation - of eternal fitness, the red-faced man who wears a deathly white bald-head, - or the pale young actor who wears a florid roof on his intellect. - Sometimes in starring through the country and playing ten or fifteen - hundred engagements, a bald-head gets soiled. We notice that when a show - gets to Laramie the chances are that the bald-head of the leading old man - is so soiled that he really needs a sheep-dip shampoo. Another feature of - this accessory of the stage is its singular failure to fit. It is either a - little short at both ends, or it hangs over the skull in large festoons, - and wens and warts, in such a way as to make the audience believe that the - wearer has dropsy of the brain. - </p> - <p> - You can never get a stage bald-head near enough like nature to fool the - average house-fly. A fly knows in two moments whether it is the genuine, - or only a base imitation, and the bald-head of the theatre fills him with - nausea and disgust. Nature, at all times hard to imitate, preserves her - bald head as she does her sunny skies and deep blue seas, far beyond the - reach of the weak, fallible, human imitator. Baldness is like fame, it - cannot be purchased. It must be acquired. Some men may be born bald, some - may acquire baldness, and others may have baldness thrust upon them, but - they generally acquire it. - </p> - <p> - "The stage beard is also rather dizzy, as a rule. It looks as much like a - beard that grew there, as a cow's tail would if tied to the bronze dog on - the front porch. When you tie a heavy black beard on a young actor, whose - whole soul would be churned up if he smoked a full-fledged cigar, he looks - about as savage as a bowl of mush and milk struck with a club." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0052" id="link2H_4_0052"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - FATHERLY WORDS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">N</span>. W. P., writes:—"I - am a young man twenty-five years old. I am in love with a young lady of - seventeen. Her mind being very different from mine, I have not told her of - my love, nor asked to call on her. I thought her so giddy that she did not - want any steady company. She is a great lover of amusement. She is a - perfect lady in her deportment, although she is more like a child of - fourteen than a young lady of seventeen. I think she is very pretty, but - she seems to enjoy flirting to the greatest extent. One evening at a party - I asked her to promenade with me, and she would not do it. I then asked - her to allow me to bring her refreshments, which she would not do. I then - asked her to let me take her home when she was ready to go, and the answer - was, 'No, I will not do any such thing,' and turning round she left me. I - have met her several times since. She always bows to me. Everywhere she - meets me she recognizes me pleasantly. How, did I do wrong in asking her - those privileges at the party, I having no introduction to her? I am still - in love with her." - </p> - <p> - After she had refused to promenade with you, and had declined to permit - you to bring her refreshments, it was pressing matters rather too far for - you to ask her to allow you to accompany her home "whenever she was ready - to go." Still, as she treats you kindly whenever you meet, it is evident - that you did not offend her very deeply. Perhaps she sees that you love - her, and does not wish to discourage you. - </p> - <p> - You were, no doubt, a little previous in trying to get acquainted with the - young lady. She may be giddy, but she has just about sized you up in - shape, and no doubt, if you keep on trying to love her without her - knowledge or consent, she will hit you with something, and put a Swiss - sunset over your eye. Do not yearn to win her affections all at once. Give - her twenty or thirty years in which to see your merits. You will have more - to entitle you to her respect by that time, no doubt. During that time you - may rise to be president and win a deathless name. - </p> - <p> - The main thing you have to look out for now, however, is to restrain - yourself from marrying people who do not want to marry you. That style of - freshness will, in thirty or forty years, wear away. If it does not, - probably the vigorous big brother of some young lady of seventeen, will - consign you to the silent tomb. Do not try to promenade with a young lady - unless she gives her consent. Do not marry anyone against her wishes. Give - the girl a chance. She will appreciate it, and even though she may not - marry you, she will permit you to sit on the fence and watch her when she - goes to marry some one else. Do not be despondent. Be courageous, and some - day, perhaps, you will get there. At present the horizon is a little bit - foggy. - </p> - <p> - As you say, she may be so giddy that she doesn't want steady company. - There is a glimmer of hope in that. She may be waiting till she gets over - the agony and annoyance of teething before she looks seriously into the - matters of matrimony. If that should turn out to be the case we are not - surprised. Give her a chance to grow up, and in the meantime, go and learn - the organ grinder's profession and fix yourself so that you can provide - for a family. Sometimes a girl only seventeen years old is able to discern - that a young intellectual giant like you is not going to make a dazzling - success of life as a husband. Brace up and try to forget your sorrow, N. - W. P., and you may be happy yet. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0053" id="link2H_4_0053"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE GOOD TIME COMING. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>NGORA cloth is a - Parisian novelty. Shaggy woolen goods are all the rage, and this Angora - cloth is a perfect type of shaggy materials. It is a soft, downy article, - like the fur of an Angora cat. Very showy toilets are of Angora cloth, - trimmed with velvet applique work to form passementerie. - </p> - <p> - Angora cloth may be fashionable, but the odor of the Angora goat is losing - favor. A herd of these goats crossed the Sierra Nevadas during the autumn, - and as soon as they got over the range, we knew it at Laramie just as well - as we knew of the earthquake shock on the 7th instant. - </p> - <p> - The Angora goat is very quiet in other respects; but as a fragrant shrub, - he certainly demands attention. A little band of Angora goats has been - quartered in Laramie City lately, and though they have been well behaved, - they have made them have opened the casement to let in the glorious air of - heaven. In letting in the glorious air of heaven, we have in several - instances let in a good deal of the mohair industry and some seductive - fragrance. - </p> - <p> - There is a glowing prospect that within the next year a bone fertilizer - mill, a soap emporium and a glue factory will have been started here; and - now, with the Angora goat looming up in the distance with his - molasses-candy horns, his erect, but tremulous and undecided tail piercing - the atmosphere, and the seductive odor peculiar to this fowl, we feel that - life in Wyoming will not, after all, be a hollow mockery. Heretofore we - have been compelled to worry along with polygamy and the odor of the - alkali flat; but times are changing now, and we will one day have all the - wonderful and complicated smells of Chicago at our door. Then will the - desert indeed blossom as the rose, and the mountain lion and "Billy the - Kid" will lie down together. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0054" id="link2H_4_0054"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - MANIA FOR MARKING CLOTHES. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE most quiet, - unobtrusive man I ever knew," said Buck Bramel to a Boomekang man, "was a - young fellow who went into North Park in an early day from the Salmon - river. He was also reserved and taciturn among the miners, and never made - any suggestions if he could avoid it. He was also the most thoughtful man - about other people's comfort I ever knew. - </p> - <p> - "I went into the cabin one day where he was lying on the bed, and told him - I had decided to go into Laramie for a couple of weeks to do some trading. - I put my valise down on the floor and was going out, when he asked me if - my clothes were marked. I told him that I never marked my clothes. If the - washerwoman wanted to mix up my wardrobe with that of a female seminary, I - would have to stand it, I supposed. - </p> - <p> - "He thought I ought to mark my clothes before I went away, and said he - would attend to it for me. So he took down his revolver and put three - shots through the valise. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0011" id="linkimage-0011"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0161.jpg" alt="0161 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0161.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - "After that a coolness sprang up between us, and the warm friendship that - had existed so long was more or less busted. After that he marked a man's - clothes over in Leadville in the same way, only the man had them on at the - time. He seemed to have a mania on that subject, and as they had no - insanity experts at Leadville in those days, they thought the most - economical way to examine his brain would be to hang him, and then send - the brain to New York in a baking powder can. - </p> - <p> - "So they hung him one night to the bough of a sighing mountain pine. - </p> - <p> - "The autopsy was, of course, crude; but they sawed open his head and - scooped out the brain with a long handled spoon and sent it on to New - York. By some mistake or other it got mixed up with some sample specimens - of ore from 'The Brindle Tom Cat' discovery, and was sent to the assayer - in New York instead of the insanity smelter and refiner, as was intended. - </p> - <p> - "The result was that the assayer wrote a very touching and grieved letter - to the boys, saying that he was an old man anyway, and he wished they - would consider his gray hairs and not try to palm off their old groceries - on him. He might have made errors in his assays, perhaps—all men - were more or less liable to mistakes—but he flattered himself that - he could still distinguish between a piece of blossom rock and a can of - decomposed lobster salad, even if it was in a baking-powder can. He hoped - they would not try to be facetious at his expense any more, but use him as - they would like to be treated themselves when they got old and began to - totter down toward the silent tomb. - </p> - <p> - "This is why we never knew to a dead moral certainty, whether he was O. K. - in the upper story, or not." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0055" id="link2H_4_0055"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - REGARDING THE NOSE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE annals of - surgery contain many cases where the nose has been cut or torn off, and - being replaced has grown fast again, recovering its jeopardized functions. - One of the earliest, 1680, is related by the surgeon (Fioraventi) who - happened to be near by when a man's nose, having been cut off, had fallen - in the sand. He remarks that he took it up, washed it, replaced it, and - that it grew together. - </p> - <p> - Still, this is a little bit hazardous, and in warm weather the nose might - refuse to catch on. It would be mortifying in the extreme to have the nose - drop off in a dish of ice-cream at a large banquet. Not only would it be - disagreeable to the owner of the nose, but to those who sat near him. - </p> - <p> - He adds the address of the owner of the repaired nose, and requests any - doubter to go and examine for himself. Régnault, in the <i>Gazette - Salutaire</i>, 1714, tells of a patient whose nose was bitten off by a - smuggler. The owner of the nose wrapped it in a bit of cloth and sought - Régnault, who, "although the part was cold, reset it, and it became - attached." - </p> - <p> - This is another instance where, by being sufficiently previous, the nose - was secured and handed down to future generations. Yet, as we said before, - it is a little bit risky, and a nose of that character cannot be relied - upon at all times. After a nose has once seceded it cannot be expected to - still adhere to the old constitution with such loyalty as prior to that - change. - </p> - <p> - Although these cases call for more credulity than most of us have to - spare, yet later cases, published in trustworthy journals, would seem to - corroborate this. In the <i>Clinical Annals</i> and <i>Medical Gazette</i>, - of Heidelberg, 1830, there are sixteen similar cases cited by the surgeon - (Dr. Hofacker) who was appointed by the senate to attend the duels of the - students. - </p> - <p> - It seems that during these duels it is not uncommon for a student to slice - off the nose of his adversary, and lay it on the table until the duel is - over. After that the surgeon puts it on with mucilage and it never misses - a meal, but keeps right on growing. - </p> - <p> - The wax nose is attractive, but in a warm room it is apt to get excited - and wander down into the mustache, or it may stray away under the collar, - and when the proprietor goes to wipe this feature he does not wipe - anything but space. A gold nose that opens on one side and is engraved, - with hunter case and key wind, is attractive, especially on a bright day. - The coin-silver nose is very well in its way, but rather commonplace - unless designed to match the tea service and the knives and forks. In that - case, good taste is repaid by admiration and pleasure on the part of the - guest. - </p> - <p> - The <i>papier-maché</i> nose is durable and less liable to become cold and - disagreeable. It is also lighter and not liable to season crack. - </p> - <p> - False noses are made of <i>papier-maché</i>, leather, gold, silver and - wax. These last are fitted to spectacles or springs, and are difficult to - distinguish from a true nose. - </p> - <p> - Tycho Brahe lost his nose in a duel and wore a golden one, which he - attached to his face with cement, which he always carried about. - </p> - <p> - This was a good scheme, as it found him always prepared for accidents. He - could, at any moment, repair to a dressing room, or even slide into an - alley where he could avoid the prying gaze of the vulgar world, and glue - his nose on. Of course he ran the risk of getting it on crooked and a - little out of line with his other features, but this would naturally only - attract attention and fix the minds of those with whom he might be called - upon to converse. A man with his nose glued on wrong side up, could hold - the attention of an audience for hours, when any other man would seem - tedious and uninteresting. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0056" id="link2H_4_0056"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - SOMETHING TOO MUCH OF THIS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE Pawnee - Republican, of the 13th, innocently and impertinently, remarks: "Fred Nye, - father of Bill Aye, the humorist, is the editor of the Omaha <i>Republican, - vice</i>Datus Brooks, gone to Europe."—<i>Omaha Herald.</i> - </p> - <p> - Will the press of the country please provide us with a few more parents? - Old Jim Nye and several other valuable fathers of ours having already - clomb the golden elevator, we now feel like a comparative orphan. The time - was when we could hold a reunion of our parents and have a pretty big - time, but it's a mighty lonely thing to stand on the shores of time and - see your parents whittled down to three or four young men no bigger than - Fred Aye, of the <i>Republican</i>. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0057" id="link2H_4_0057"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - COLOR BLINDNESS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE <i>Paper World</i> - says there's no use talking, the newspaper men of the press are to-day - becoming more and more "color blind." In other words, they have lost that - subtle flavor of description for which the public yearns. They have missed - that wonderful spice and aroma of narration which is the life of all - newspaper work. - </p> - <p> - We do not take this to ourself at all, but we desire before we say one - word, to make a few remarks. <i>The Boomerang</i> has been charged with - erring on the other side and coloring things a little too high. Sir Garnet - Wolseley, in a private letter to us during the late Egyptian assault and - battery, stated that if we erred at all it was on the highly colored side. - </p> - <p> - There is an excuse for lack of spice and all that sort of thing in the - newspaper world. The men who write for our dailies, as a rule, have to - write about two miles per day, and they ought not to be kicked if it is - not as interesting as "Uncle Tom's Cabin," or "Leaves o' Grass." - </p> - <p> - We have done some 900 miles of writing ourself during our short, sharp and - decisive career, and we know what we are talking about. Those things we - wrote at a time when we were spreading our graceful characters over ten - acres of paper per day, were not thrilling. They did not catch the public - eye, but were just naturally consigned to oblivion's bottomless maw. - </p> - <p> - Read that last sentence twice; it will do you no harm. - </p> - <p> - The public, it seems to us, has created a false standard of merit for the - newspaper. People take a big daily and pay $10 per year for it because it - is the biggest paper in the world, and then don't read a quarter of it. - They are doing a smart thing, no doubt, but it is killing the feverish - young men with throbbing brains, who are doing the work. Would you - consider that a large pair of shoes or a large wife should be sought for - just because you can get more material for the same price? Not much, Mary - Ann! - </p> - <p> - Excellence is what we seek, not bulk. Write better things and less of - them, and you will do better, and the public will be pleased to see the - change. - </p> - <p> - Should anyone who reads these words be suffering from an insatiable hunger - for a paper that aims at elegance of diction, high-toned logic and pink - cambric sentiment, at a moderate price, he will do well to call at this - office and look over our goods. Samples sent free on application, to any - part of the United States or Europe. We refer to Herbert Spencer, the - Laramie National Bank, and the postmaster of this city, as to our - reputation for truth and veracity. - </p> - <h3> - A LITTLE PREVIOUS. - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">S</span>PEAKING of - elections and returns, brings back to our memory the time when it was - pretty close in a certain congressional district in Wisconsin, where W. T. - Price is now putting up a job on the Democrats. - </p> - <p> - In those days returns didn't come in by telegraph, but on horseback and on - foot, and it was annoying to wait for figures by which to determine the - result. At Hudson the politicians had made a pretty close estimate, but - were waiting, one evening after election, at a saloon on Buckeye street, - for something definite from Eau Claire county. The session was very dull, - and to cheer up the little Spartan hand some one suggested that old Judge - Wetherby ought to "set 'em up." Judge Wetherby was a staunch old Democrat - and had rigidly treated himself for twenty years, and just as rigidly - refused to treat anybody else. The result was that he had secured a - vigorous bloom on his own nose, but had never put the glass to his - neighbor's lips. He intimated on this occasion, however, that if he could - get encouraging news from Eau Claire for the Democrats, he would turn - loose. The party waited until midnight, and had just decided to go home, - when a travel-worn horseman rode up to the door. He was very reticent, and - as he was a stranger, no one seemed to want to open up a conversation with - him, till at last Judge Wetherby, who couldn't keep the great question of - politics out of his mind, asked him what part of the country he had come - from. "Just got in from Eau Claire county," was the reply. - </p> - <p> - "How did Eau Claire county go?" was the Judge's next question. "O, I don't - pay no attention to politics, but they told me it went 453 majority for - the Democrats." - </p> - <p> - Thereupon the judge threw his hat in the air and for the first and last - time in his life, treated the entire crowd of Republicans and Democrats - alike. It was very late when he went home, also very late when he got down - town the next day. - </p> - <p> - When he did come down he was surprised to find a Republican brass band - out, and the news all over the city that the Republican candidate had been - elected by several hundred majority. In the afternoon he learned that Hod - Taylor, now clergyman to Marseilles, had hired a tramp to ride into the - Buckeye saloon the previous evening and report as stated, in order to - bring about a good state of feeling on the Judge's part. Judge Wetherby, - since that time, is regarded as the most skeptical Democrat in that - congressional district, and even if he were to be assured over and over - again that his party was victorious, he would still doubt. It is such - things as these that go a long way toward encouraging a feeling of - distrust between the parties, and causes politicians to be looked upon - with great mistrust.. - </p> - <p> - Although Mr. Taylor is now in France attending to the affairs of his - government, and trying to become familiar with the French language, he - often pauses in his work as the memory of this little incident comes over - his mind, and a hot tear falls on the report he is making out to send on - to the Secretary of State at Washington. Can it be that his hard heart is - at last touched with remorse? - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0058" id="link2H_4_0058"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - IS DUELING MURDER? - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">S</span>OMEBODY wants to - know whether dueling is murder, and we reply in clarion tones that it - depends largely on how fatal it is. Dueling with monogram note paper, at a - distance of 1,200 yards, is not murder. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0059" id="link2H_4_0059"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - HEAP GONE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>NOTHER land-mark - of Laramie has gone. Another wreck has been strewn upon the sands of time. - Another gay bark has gone to pieces upon the cruel rocks, and above the - broken spars and jib-boom, and foretop gallant royal mainbrace, and - spanker-boom euchre deck, the cold, damp tide is moaning. - </p> - <p> - We refer to L. W. Shroeder, who recently left this place incog., also in - debt, largely, to various people of this gay and festive metropolis. - </p> - <p> - Laramie has been the home, at various times, of some of the most classical - dead-beats of modern times; but Shroeder was the noblest, the most grand - and colossal of dead-beats that has ever visited our shores. Born with - unusual abilities in this direction, he early learned how to enlarge and - improve upon the talents thus bestowed upon him, and here in Laramie, he - soon won a place at the front as a man who purchased everything and paid - for nothing. He had a way of approaching the grocer and the merchant that - was well calculated to deceive, and he did, in several instances, make - representations, which we now learn, were false. - </p> - <p> - He was, by profession, a carpenter and joiner, having learned the art - while cutting cordwood on the Missouri bottoms, near Omaha, for the - Collins Brothers. Here he rapidly won his way to the front rank, by - erecting some of the most commanding architectural ruins of which modern - wood assassination can boast. He would take a hatchet and a buck-saw and - carve out his fortune anywhere in the world, and it wouldn't cost him a - cent. He filled this whole trans-Missouri country with his fame, and his - promissory notes, and then skinned out and left us here to mourn. - </p> - <p> - Good-bye, Shroeder. Wherever you go, we will remember you and hope that - you may succeed in piling up a monument of indebtedness as you did here. - You were industrious and untiring in your efforts to become a great - financial wreck, and success has crowned your efforts. We will not grudge - you the glory that coagulates about your massive brow. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0060" id="link2H_4_0060"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE EDITORIAL LAMP. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HERE is something - unique about an editor's lamp that, enables most anyone to select it from - a large number of other lamps. It is <i>sui generis</i> and extremely - original. The large metropolitan papers use gas in the editorial rooms, - and make up for the loss of the kerosene lamp by furnishing their offices - with some other article of furniture that is equally attractive. - </p> - <p> - <i>The Boomerang</i> lamp, especially during the election, has had its - intensity wonderfully softened and toned down through various causes. You - can take most any other lamp and trim the wick so that it will burn - squarely and not smoke; but the editorial lamp is peculiar in this - respect. The wick gets so it will burn straight when you find that it does - not burn the oil. Then you get it filled and put in a new wick. - Experimenting with this you get your fingers perfumed with coal oil, and - spill some in your lap. Then you turn it up so you can see, and as you get - a flow of thought you look up to find that you have smutted up your - chimney, and you murmur something that you are glad no one is near to - hear. When our life-record is made up and handed down to posterity, if a - generous people will kindly overlook the remarks we have made over our - lamp, and also the little extemporaneous statements made at picnics, we - will do as much for the public and make this thing as near even as - possible. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0061" id="link2H_4_0061"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - DIFFICULT TO IDENTIFY. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> DEAD fisherman - was taken to the San Francisco morgue the other day, with nothing by which - to identify him but his fish fine. There may be features of difference - between fish lines, but as a rule there is a long, tame sweep of monotony - about them which confuses the authorities in tracing a man's antecedents. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0062" id="link2H_4_0062"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE MAROON SAUSAGE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE maroon sausage - will be in favor this winter, as was the case last season in our best - circles. It will be caught up at the end and tied in a plain knot with - strings of the same. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0063" id="link2H_4_0063"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - TESTIMONIALS OF REGARD. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">F</span>RIDAY was a large - day in the office of this paper. A delegation, consisting of Ed. Walsh and - J. J. Clarke, train dispatchers of this division of the Union Pacific - road, waited on the editor hereof with two tokens of their esteem. One, - consisting of a bird that had been taxidermed at Wyoming station by the - agent, Mr. Gulliher, the great corn-canner of the west, aided by another - man who has, up to this date, evaded the authorities. As soon as he is - captured, his name will be given to the public. The bird is mainly - constructed on the duck plan, with web feet and spike tail. The material - gave out, however, and the artist was obliged to complete the bird by - putting an eagle's head on him. This gives the winged king of birds a low, - squatty and plebian cast of countenance, and bothers the naturalist in - determining its class and in diagnosing the case. With the piercing, keen - eye of the eagle, and the huge Roman nose peculiar to that bird, coupled - with the pose of the duck, we have a magnificent combination in the way of - an ornithological specimen. Science would be tickled to death to wrestle - with this feathered anomaly. - </p> - <p> - The eagle looks as though he would like to soar first-rate if it were not - for circumstances over which he has no control, while the other portions - of his person would suggest that he would be glad to paddle around an hour - or two in the yielding-mud. We have placed this singular circumstance - where he can look down upon us in a reproachful way, while we write - abstruse articles upon the contiguity of the hence. - </p> - <p> - The same committee also presented a bottle of what purported to be ginger - ale. It was wrapped up in a newspaper, and the cork was held in place by a - piece of copper wire. As we do not drink anything whatever now, we - presented it to the composing room, and told the boys to sail in and have - a grand debauch. - </p> - <p> - Generosity is always rewarded, sooner or later. The office boy took it - into the composing room and partially opened it. Then it opened itself, - with a loud report that shook the dome of <i>The Boomerang</i> office, and - pied a long article on yellow fever in Texas. Almost immediately after it - opened itself, it escaped into space. At least it filled the space box of - one of the cases full. - </p> - <p> - There was only about a spoonful left in the bottle, and no one felt as - though he wanted to rob the rest, so it stands there yet. If Mr. Gulliher - could put up his goods in such shape as to avoid this high degree of - effervescence, he would succeed; but in canning corn and bottling beer, he - has so far put too much vigor into the goods, and when you open them, they - escape almost immediately. - </p> - <p> - While we are grateful for the kind and thoughtful spirit shown, we regret - that we were unable to test the merits of the beverage without collecting - it from the sky, where it now is. - </p> - <p> - It looks to us as though some day Mr. Gulliher, while engaged in canning - and bottling some of his gaseous goods, would be lifted over into the - middle of the holidays, and we warn him against being too reckless, or he - will certainly meander through the atmosphere sometime, and the place that - knew him once will know him no more forever. - </p> - <p> - About two o'clock the following special was received: - </p> - <p> - [Special to the Boomerang.] - </p> - <p> - "[D. H. acct. charity.] - </p> - <p> - "Wyoming, October 27. - </p> - <p> - "Dear Bill Nye: - </p> - <p> - "We made the run from Laramie to Wyoming in one hour. Gulliher says, do - not open that bottle; it might go off. He sent you the wrong bottle by - mistake. It is a preparation for annihilating tramps, and produces instant - dissolution. We, after careful inquiry and rigid investigation, find that - the bird is filled with dynamite, nitroglycerine, etc.—in fact is an - 'infernal machine,' and is set to go off at 3:30 this P.M." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0064" id="link2H_4_0064"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE CHINESE COMPOSITOR - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE Chinese - compositor cannot sit at his case as our printers do, but must walk from - one case to another constantly, as the characters needed cover such a - large number, that they cannot be put into anything like the space used in - the English newspaper office. In setting up an ordinary piece of - manuscript, the Chinese printer will waltz up and down the room for a few - moments, and then go down stairs for a line of lower case. Then he takes - the elevator and goes up into the third story after some caps, and then - goes out into the woodshed for a handful of astonishers. - </p> - <p> - The successful Chinese compositor doesn't need to be so very intelligent, - but he must be a good pedestrian. He may work and walk around over the - building all day to set up a stick full, and then half the people in this - county couldn't read it, after all. - </p> - <p> - "Clarke, Potter and Walsh." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0065" id="link2H_4_0065"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - SNOWED UNDER - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span> E have met the - enemy, and we are his'n. - </p> - <p> - We have made our remarks, and we are now ready to listen to the gentleman - from New York. We could have dug out, perhaps, and explained about New - York, but when almost every state in the Union rose up and made certain - statements yesterday, we found that the job of explaining this matter - thoroughly, would be wearisome and require a great deal of time. - </p> - <p> - We do not blame the Democracy for this. We are a little surprised, - however, and grieved. It will interfere with our wardrobe this winter. - With an overcoat on Wyoming, a plug hat on Iowa, a pair of pantaloons on - Pennsylvania, and boots on the general result, it looks now as though we - would probably go through the winter wrapped in a bed-quilt, and profound - meditation. - </p> - <p> - We intended to publish an extra this morning, but the news was of such a - character, that we thought we would get along without it. What was the use - of publishing an extra with a Republican majority only in Red Buttes. - </p> - <p> - The cause of this great Democratic freshet in New York yesterday—but - why go into details, we all have an idea why it was so. The number of - votes would seem to indicate that there was a tendency toward Democracy - throughout the State. - </p> - <p> - Now, in Pennsylvania, if you will look over the returns carefully—but - why should we take up your valuable time offering an explanation of a - political matter of the past. - </p> - <p> - Under the circumstances some would go and yield to the soothing influences - of the maddening bowl, but we do not advise that. It would only furnish - temporary relief, and the recoil would be unpleasant. - </p> - <p> - We resume our arduous duties with a feeling of extreme <i>ennui</i>, and - with that sense of surprise and astonishment that a man does who has had a - large brick block fall on him when he was not expecting it. Although we - feel a little lonely to-day—having met but a few Republicans on the - street, who were obliged to come out and do their marketing—we still - hope for the future. - </p> - <p> - The grand old Republican party— - </p> - <p> - But that's what we said last week. It sounds hollow now and meaningless, - somehow, because our voice is a little hoarse, and we are snowed under so - deep that it is difficult for us to enunciate. - </p> - <p> - Now about those bets. If the parties to whom we owe bets—and we owe - most everybody—will just agree to take the stakes, and not go into - details; not stop to ask us about the state of our mind, and talk about - how it was done, we don't care. We don't wish to have this thing explained - at all. We are not of an inquiring turn of mind. Just plain facts are good - enough for us, without any harrowing details. In the meantime we are going - to work to earn some more money to bet on the next election. Judge Folger, - and others, come over and see us when you have time, and we will talk this - matter over. Mr. B. Butler, we wish we had your longevity. With a robust - constitution, we find that most any man can wear out cruel fate and get - there at last. We do not feel so angry as we do grieved and surprised. We - are pained to see the American people thus betray our confidence, and - throw a large wardrobe into the hands of the relentless foe. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0066" id="link2H_4_0066"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ROUGH ON OSCAR. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">S</span>OMEBODY shook a - log-cabin bed-quilt at Oscar Wilde, when he was in this country, and it - knocked him so crazy for two days, that a man had to lead him around town - by a bed-cord to prevent him from butting his head against a lump of - oat-meal mush, and scattering his brains all over the Union. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0067" id="link2H_4_0067"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE POSTAL CARD. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">N</span>O one denies that - the postal card is a great thing, and yet it makes most people mad to get - one This is because we naturally feel sensitive about having our - correspondence open to the eye of the postmaster and postal clerk. Yet - they do not read them. Postal employés hate a postal card as cordially as - anyone else. If they were banished and had nothing to read but a package - of postal cards, or a foreign book of statistics, they would read the - statistics. This wild hunger for postal cards on the part of postmasters - is all a myth. When the writer don't care who sees his message, that - knocks the curiosity out of those who handle those messages. A man who - would read a postal card without being compelled to by some stringent - statute, must be a little deranged. When you receive one, you say, "Here's - a message of so little importance that the writer didn't care who saw it. - I don't care much for it, myself." Then you look it over and lay it away - and forget it. Do you think that the postmaster is going to wear out his - young life in devouring literature that the sendee don't feel proud of - when he receives it? Hay, nay. - </p> - <p> - During our official experience we have been placed where we could have - read postal cards time and again, and no one but the All-seeing Eye would - have detected it; but we have controlled ourself and closed our eyes to - the written message, refusing to take advantage of the confidence reposed - in us by our government, and those who thus trusted us with their secrets. - All over our great land every moment of the day or night these little - cards are being silently scattered, breathing loving words inscribed with - a hard lead pencil, and shedding information upon sundered hearts, and - they are as safe as though they had never been breathed. - </p> - <p> - They are safer, in most instances, because they cannot be read by anybody - in the whole world. - </p> - <p> - That is why it irritates us to have some one open up a conversation by - saying, "You remember what that fellow wrote me from Cheyenne on that - postal card of the 25th, and how he rounded me up for not sending him - those goods?" Now we can't keep all those things in our head. It requires - too much of a strain to do it on the salary we receive. A man with a very - large salary and a tenacious memory might keep run of the postal - correspondence in a small office, but we cannot do it. We are not - accustomed to it, and it rattles and excites us. - </p> - <h3> - A CARD. - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> HAVE just - received a letter from my friend, Bill Nye, of The Laramie City Boomerang, - wherein he informs me that he is engaged to the beautiful and accomplished - Lydia E. Pinkham, of "Vegetable Compounds" fame, and that the wedding will - take place on next Christmas. To be sure, I am expected at the wedding, - and I'll be on hand, if I can secure a clean shirt by that time, and the - roads ain't too bad. But I'm somewhat at a loss what to get as a suitable - present, as Bill informs me in a postscript to his letter, that gifts of - bibles, albums, nickel-plated pickle dishes, chromos with frames, and the - like, will not be in order, as it is utterly impossible to pawn articles - of this kind in Laramie City.—<i>The Bohemian</i>. - </p> - <p> - We are sorry that the above letter, which we dashed off in a careless - moment, has been placed before the public, as later developments have - entirely changed the aspect of the matter; the engagement between ourself - and Lydia having been rudely broken by the young lady herself. She has - returned the solitaire filled ring, and henceforth we can be nothing more - to each other than friends. The promise which bade fair to yield so much - joy in the future has been ruthlessly yanked asunder, and two young hearts - must bleed through the coming years. Far be it from us to say aught that - would reflect upon the record of Miss Pinkham. - </p> - <p> - It would only imperil her chances in the future, and deny her the sweet - satisfaction of gathering in another guileless sucker like us. The truth, - however, cannot be evaded, that Lydia is no longer young. She is now in - the sere and yellow leaf. The gurgle of girlhood, and the romping careless - grace of her childhood, are matters of ancient history alone. - </p> - <p> - We might go on and tell how one thing brought on another, till the quarrel - occurred, and hot words and an assault and battery led to this - estrangement, but we will not do it. It would be wrong for a great, strong - man to take advantage of his strength and the public press, to speak - disparagingly of a young thing like Lyd. No matter how unreasonably she - may have treated us, we are dumb and silent on this point. Journalists who - have been invited, and have purchased costly wedding presents, may ship - the presents <i>by</i> express, prepaid, and we will accept them, and - struggle along with our first great heart trouble, while Lydia goes on in - her mad career. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0068" id="link2H_4_0068"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - WHY WE ARE NOT GAY. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>T was the policy - of this paper, from its inception, whatever that is, to frown upon and - discourage fraud wherever the latter has shown its hideous front. In doing - so, we have simply done our duty, and our reward has been great, partially - in the shape of money, and partially in the shape of conscious rectitude - and new subscribers. - </p> - <p> - We shall continue this course until we are able to take a trip to Europe, - or until some large man comes into the office with a masked battery and - blows us out through the window into the mellow haze of an eternal summer - time. - </p> - <p> - We have been waiting until the present time for about 100,000 shade trees - in this town to grow, and as they seem to be a little reluctant about - doing so, and the season being now far advanced, we feel safe in saying - that they are dead. They were purchased a year ago of a nursery that - purported to be O. K., and up to that time no one had ever breathed a word - against it. Now, however, unless those trees are replaced, we shall be - compelled to publish the name of that nursery in large, glaring type, to - the world. The trees looked a little under the weather when they arrived, - but we thought we could bring them out by nursing them. They stood up in - the spring breeze like a seed wart, however, and refused to leave. They - are still obstinate. The agent concluded to leave, but the trees did not. - We feel hurt about it, because people come here from a distance and laugh - at our hoe-handle forest. They speak jeeringly of our wilderness of - deceased elms, and sneer at our defunct magnolias. We hate to cast a - reflection on the house, but we also dislike to be played for Chinamen - when we are no such thing. - </p> - <p> - We prefer to sit in the shade of the luxuriant telegraph pole, and stroll - at set of sun amid the umbrageous shadows of the barbed wire fence, - through which the sunlight glints and glitters to and fro. - </p> - <p> - Nothing saddens us like death in any form, and 100,000 dead trees - scattered through the city, sticking their limbs up into the atmosphere - like a variety actress, bears down upon us with the leaden weight of an - ever-present gloom. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0069" id="link2H_4_0069"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - SCIENTIFIC. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE Boomerang - reporter, sent ont to find the North Pole, eighteen months ago, has just - been heard from. An exploring party recently found portions of his remains - in latitude 4-11-44, longitude sou'est by sou' from the pole, and near the - remains the following fragment of a diary: - </p> - <p> - July 1,1881.—Have just been out searching for a sunstroke and signs - of a thaw. Saw nothing but ice floe and snow as far as the eye could - reach. Think we will have snow this evening unless the wind changes. - </p> - <p> - July 2.—Spent the forenoon exploring to the northwest for right of - way for a new equatorial and North Pole railroad that I think would be of - immense value to commerce. The grade is easy, and the expense would be - slight. Ate my last dog to-day. Had intended him for the 4th, but got too - hungry, and ate him raw with vinegar; I wish I was at home eating - Boomerang paste. - </p> - <p> - July 3.—We had quite a frost last night, and it looks this morning - as though the corn and small fruits must have suffered. It is now two - weeks since the last of the crew died and left me alone. Ate the leather - ends of my suspenders to-day for dinner. I did not need the suspenders, - anyway, for by tightening up my pants I find they will stay on all right, - and I don't look for any ladies to call, so that even if my pants came off - by some oversight or other, nobody would be shocked. - </p> - <p> - July 4.—Saved up some tar roofing and a bottle of mucilage for my - Fourth of July dinner, and gorged myself to-day. The exercises were very - poorly attended and the celebration rather a failure. It is clouding up in - the west, and I'm afraid we're going to have snow. Seems to me we're - having an all-fired late spring here this year. - </p> - <p> - July 5.—Didn't drink a drop yesterday. It was the quietest Fourth I - ever put in. I never felt so little remorse over the way I celebrated as I - do to-day. I didn't do a thing yesterday that I was ashamed of except to - eat the remainder of a box of shoe blacking for supper. To-day I ate my - last boot-heel, stewed. Looks as though we might have a hard winter. - </p> - <p> - July 6.—Feel a little apprehension about something to eat. My credit - is all right here, but there is no competition, and prices are therefore - very high. Ice, however, is still firm. This would be a good ice-cream - country if there were any demand, but the country is so sparsely settled - that a man feels as lonesome here as a green-backer at a presidential - election. Ate a pound of cotton waste soaked in machine oil, to-day. There - is nothing left for to-morrow but ice-water and an old pocket-book for - dinner. Looks as though we might have snow. - </p> - <p> - July 7.—This is a good, cool place to spend the summer if provisions - were more plenty. I am wearing a seal-skin undershirt with three woolen - overshirts and two bear-skin vests, to-day, and when the dew begins to - fall, I have to put on my buffalo ulster to keep off the night air. I wish - I was home. It seems pretty lonesome here since the other boys died. I do - not know what I will get for dinner to-morrow, unless the neighbors bring - in something. A big bear is coming down the hatchway, as I write. I wish I - could eat him. It would be the first square meal for two months. It is, - however, a little mixed whether I will eat him or he eat me. It will be a - cold day for me if he————— - </p> - <p> - Here the diary breaks off abruptly, and from the chewed up appearance of - the book, we are led to entertain a horrible fear as to his safety. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0012" id="linkimage-0012"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0191.jpg" alt="0191 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0191.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0070" id="link2H_4_0070"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE REVELATION RACKET IN UTAH. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>UR esteemed and - extremely connubial contemporary, the <i>Deseret News</i>, says in a - recent editorial: - </p> - <p> - "The Latter day Saints will rejoice to learn that the' vacancies which - have existed in the quorums of the twelve apostles and the first seven - presidents of seventies are now filled. During the conference recently - held, Elder Abram H. Cannon was unanimously chosen to be one of the first - seven presidents of seventies, and he was ordained to that office on - Monday, October 9th. Subsequently, the Lord, by revelation through His - servant, Prest. John Taylor, designated by name, Brothers George Teasdale - and Heber J. Grant, to be ordained to the apostleship, and Brother Seymour - B. Young to fill the remaining vacancy in the presidency of the seventies. - These brethren were ordained on Monday, October 16th, the two apostles, - under the hands of the first presidency and twelve, and the other under - the hands of the twelve and the presidency of the seventies." - </p> - <p> - Now, that's a convenient system of politics and civil service. When there - is a vacancy, the president, John Taylor, goes into his closet and has a - revelation which settles it all right. If the man appointed vicariously by - the Lord is not in every way satisfactory, he may be discharged by the - same process. Instead, therefore, of being required to rally a large force - of his friends to aid him in getting an appointment, the aspirant arranges - solely with the party who runs the revelation business. It will be seen at - a glance, therefore, that the man who can get the job of revelating in - Zion, has it pretty much his own way. We would not care who made the laws - of Utah if we could do its revelating at so much per revelate. - </p> - <p> - Think of the power it gives a man in a community of blind believers. - Imagine, if you please, the glorious possibilities in store for the man - who can successfully reveal the word of the Lord in an easy, - extemporaneous manner on five minutes notice. - </p> - <p> - This prerogative does not confine itself to politics alone. The impromptu - revelator of the Jordan has revelations when he wants to evade the payment - of a bill. He gets a divine order also if he desires to marry a beautiful - maid or seal the new school ma'am to himself. He has a leverage which he - can bring to bear upon the people of his diocese at all times, even more - potent than the press, and it does not possess the drawbacks that a - newspaper does. You can run an aggressive paper if you want to in this - country, and up to the time of the funeral you have a pretty active and - enjoyable time, but after the grave has been filled up with the clods of - the valley and your widow has drawn her insurance, you naturally ask, - "What is the advantage to be gained by this fearless style of journalism?" - </p> - <p> - Still, even the inspired racket has its drawbacks. Last year, a little - incident occurred in a Mormon family down in southern Utah, which weighed - about nine pounds, and when the <i>ex officio</i> husband, who had been - absent two years, returned, he acted kind of wild and surprised, somehow, - and as he went through the daily round of his work he could be seen - counting his fingers back and forth and looking at the almanac, and adding - up little amounts on the side of the barn with a piece of red chalk. - </p> - <p> - Finally, one of the inspired mob of that part of the vineyard thought it - was about time to get a revelation and go down there, so he did so. He - sailed up to the <i>de facto</i> husband and <i>quasi</i> parent and - solemnly straightened up some little irregularities as to dates, but the - revelation was received with disdain, and the revelator was sent home in - an old ore sack and buried in a peach basket. - </p> - <p> - Sometimes there is, even in Utah, a manifestation of such irreverence and - open hostility to the church that it makes us shudder. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0071" id="link2H_4_0071"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - SAGE BRUSH TONIC. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>E have a scheme on - hand which we believe will be even more remunerative than the newspaper - business, if successfully carried out. It is to construct a national - remedy and joy-to-the-world tonic, composed of the carefully expressed - juice of our Rocky mountain tropical herb, known as the sage brush. Sage - brush is known to possess wonderful medicinal properties. It is bitter - enough to act as a tonic and to convey the idea of great strength. Our - idea would be to have our portrait on each bottle, to attract attention - and aid in effecting a cure. We have noticed that the homeliest men - succeed best as patent medicine inventors, and this would be right in our - hand. - </p> - <p> - The tonic could be erected at a cost of three cents per bottle, delivered - on the cars here, and after we got fairly to going we might probably - reduce even that price. At one dollar per bottle, we could realize a - living profit, and still do mankind a favor and turn loose a boon to - suffering humanity. It will make the hair grow, as everyone knows, and it - will stir up a torpid liver equally well. It just loves to get after - anything that is dormant. It might even help the Democratic party, if it - had a chance. - </p> - <p> - Our plan would be to advertise liberally, for we know the advantages of - judicious advertising. Only last week a man on South C street had three - cows to sell, which fact he set forth in this paper at the usual rates. - Before he went to bed that evening the cows were sold and people were - filing in the front gate like a row of men at the general delivery of the - postoffice. The next morning a large mob of people was found camped out in - front of the house, and the railroad was giving excursion rates to those - who wanted to come in from the country to buy these cows that had been - sold the day before. - </p> - <p> - We just quote this to show how advertising stirs the mighty deep and wakes - people up. We would make propositions to our brethren of the press by - which they could make some money out of the ad, too, instead of telling - them to put it in the middle of the telegraph page, surrounded by pure - reading matter, daily and weekly till forbid and pay when we get ready. - </p> - <p> - Publishers will find that we are not that kind of people. We shall aim to - do the square thing, and will throw in an electrotype, showing us just - discovering the sage brush, and exclaiming "Eureka," while we prance - around like a Zulu on the war path. Underneath this we will write, "Yours - for Health," or words to that effect, and everything will be pleasant and - nice. - </p> - <p> - The Sage Brush Tonic will be made of two grades, one will be for - prohibition states and the other for states where prohibition is not in - general use. The prohibition tonic will contain, in addition to the sage - brush, a small amount of tansy and Jamaica ginger, to give it a bead and - prevent it from fermenting. A trial bottle will be sent to subscribers of - this paper, also a fitting little poem to be read at the funeral. We will - also publish death notice of those using the tonic, at one-half rates. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0072" id="link2H_4_0072"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - LAME FROM HIS BERTH. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> SAD-EYED man, the - other night, fell out of his bed into the aisle of a Pullman car and - skinned his knee. He now claims that he was lame from his berth. When he - passes Carbon he will be hung by request. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0073" id="link2H_4_0073"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE PUBLIC PRINTER. - </h2> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0074" id="link2H_4_0074"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <p> - </p> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">V</span>ERY few of the - great mass of humanity know who makes the beautiful - </p> - <p> - public document, with its plain, black binding and wealth of statistics. - Few stop to think that hidden away from the great work-a-day world, with - eyelids heavy and red, and with finger-nails black with antimony, toiling - on at his case hour after hour, the public printer, during the sessions of - Congress, is setting up the thrilling chapters of the Congressional - Record, and between times yanking the Washington press backward and - forward, with his suspenders hanging down, as he prints this beautiful - sea-side library of song. - </p> - <p> - We are too prone to read that which gives us pleasure without thought of - the labor necessary to its creation. We glide gaily through the - Congressional Record, pleased with its more attractive features, viz: its - ayes and noes—little recking that Sterling P. Rounds, the public - printer, stands in the subdued gaslight with his stick half full, trying - to decipher the manuscript of some reticent representative, whose speech - was yesterday delivered to the janitor as he polished the porcelain - cuspidor of Congress. - </p> - <p> - This is a day and age of the world when men take that which comes to them, - and do not stop to investigate the pain and toil it costs. They never - inquire into the mystery of manufacture, or try to learn the details of - its construction. Most of our libraries are replete with books which we - have received at the hands of a generous government, and yet we treat - those volumes with scorn and contumely. We jeer at the footsore bugologist - who has chased the large, green worm from tree to tree, in order that we - may be wise. We speak sneeringly of the man who stuffs the woodtick, and - paints the gaudy wings of the squash-bug that we may know how often she - orates. - </p> - <p> - Year after year the entomologist treads the same weary road with his - bait-box tied to his waist, wooing to his laboratory the army-worm and the - sheep-scab larvæ in order that we, poor particles on the surface of the - great earth, may know how these minute creatures rise, flourish and decay. - </p> - <p> - Then the public printer throws in his case, rubs his finger and thumb over - a lump of alum, takes a chew of tobacco, and puts in type these words of - wisdom from the lips of gray-bearded savants, that knowledge may be - scattered over the broad republic. Patiently he goes on with the click of - type, anon in an absorbed way, while we, gay, thoughtless mortals, wear - out the long summer day at a basket picnic, with deft fingers selecting - the large red ant from our cold ham. - </p> - <p> - Thus these books are made which come to us wrapped in manilla and franked - by the man we voted for last fall. Beautiful lithographs, illustrating the - different stages of hog cholera, deck their pages. Rich oil paintings of - gaudy tobacco worms chase each other from preface to errata. Magnificent - chromos of the foot and mouth disease appeal to us from page after page, - and statistics boil out between them, showing what per cent of invalid or - convalescent animals was sent abroad, and what per cent was worked into - oleomargarine and pressed corn beef. - </p> - <p> - And what becomes of all this wealth of information—this mammoth - aggregation of costly knowledge? - </p> - <p> - Cast ruthlessly away by a trifling, shallow, frivolous and freckle-minded - race! - </p> - <p> - It is no more than right that Sterling P. Rounds should know this. How it - will gall his proud heart to know how his beautiful books, and his chatty - and spicy Congressional Record are treated by a jeering, heartless throng! - Do you suppose that I would perspire over doubtful copy night after night, - and then tread a job printing press all the next day printing books at - which the bloodless, soulless public sneered, and the broad-browed talent - of a cruel generation spit upon? Not exactly. - </p> - <p> - I have a moderate amount of patience and self-control, but I am free to - say right here before the world, that if I had been in Mr. Rounds' place, - and had at great cost erected a scientific work upon "The Rise and Fall of - Botts in America," and a flippant nation of scoffers had utilized that - volume to press autumn leaves and scraggly ferns in, I would rise in my - proud might and mash the forms with a mallet, I would jerk the lever of - the Washington press into the middle of the effulgent hence. I would kick - over my case, wipe the roller on the frescoed walls, and feed my - statistics, to the hungry flames. - </p> - <p> - No publisher has ever been treated more shabbily; no compositor has, in - the history of literature, been more rudely disregarded and derided. - </p> - <p> - Think of this, dear reader, when you look carelessly over the brief but - wonderful career of the hop-louse, or with apparent <i>ennui</i> dawdle - through the treatise on colic among silk-worms, and facial neuralgia among - fowls. - </p> - <p> - This will not only please Mr. Rounds, the young and struggling compositor, - but it will gratify and encourage all the friends of American progress and - the lovers of learning throughout our whole land. - </p> - <h3> - A REPRODUCTIVE COMET. - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>N exchange - remarks: "The present comet in the eastern sky, which can be distinctly - seen by everyone at early morning, is certainly the most remarkable one of - the modern comets. Professor Lewis Swift, director of the Warner - observatory, Rochester, New York, states that the comet grazed the sun so - closely as to cause great disturbance, so much so, that it has divided - into no less than eight separate parts, all of which can be distinctly - seen by a good telescope. There is only one other instance on record, - where a comet has divided, that one being Biella's comet of 1846, which - separated into two parts. Applications have been made to Mr. H. H. Warner, - by parties who have noticed these cometary offshoots, claiming the $200 - prize for each one of them. Whether the great comet will continue to - produce a brood of smaller comets remains to be seen." - </p> - <p> - It is certainly to be hoped that it will not. If the comet is going to - multiply and replenish the earth, the average inhabitant had better - proceed in the direction of the tall timber. - </p> - <p> - It excites and rattles us a good deal now to look out for what comets we - have on hand; but that is mild, compared with what we will experience if - the heavens are to be filled every spring with new laid comets, and comets - that haven't got their eyes open yet. Our astronomers are able to figure - on the old parent comets, and they know when to look for them, too; but if - twins are to burst upon our vision occasionally, and little bob-tail - orphan comets are to float around through space, we will have to kind of - get up and seek out another solar system, where we will be safe from this - comet foundling asylum. - </p> - <p> - Instead of the calm sky of night, flooded with the glorious effulgence of - the silvery moon, surrounded by the twinkling stars, the coming sky will - be one grand Fourth of July exhibit of fireworks, with a thousand little - disobedient comets coming from the four corners of heaven in search of the - milky way. - </p> - <p> - Possibly science may be wrong. We have known science to make bad little - breaks of that kind, and when it advertised a particular show to come off, - it was delayed by a wreck on the main track, or something of that kind, so - that people were disappointed. Let us hope that this is the case now, and - that the comets now loafing around through space with their coat tails on - fire will not become parents. It would be scandalous. - </p> - <h3> - A LITTLE VAGUE. - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> TALL, - pleasant-looking gentleman, with quick, restless eyes, and the air of a - man who had been in a newspaper office before, dropped into The Boomerang - science department yesterday, and asked the pale, scholarly blossom, who - sat writing an epic on the alarming prevalence of pip and its future as a - national evil, if he could be permitted to read the <i>Deseret News</i>. - </p> - <p> - The scientist said certainly, and after a long and weary tussle got the - Mormon placque out of the ruins. - </p> - <p> - "I used to be foreman on the <i>Deseret News</i>," said the gentleman with - the penetrating eye; "I worked on the News two years, and had a case on - the <i>Tribune</i>. I've been foreman of thirty-seven papers during my - life, but my most unfortunate experience was on the <i>Deseret News</i>. I - wanted the paper just now to see if they were still running an ad. that I - had some trouble with when I was there. - </p> - <p> - "It was a contract we had with Dr. Balshazzer to advertise his Blue Eyed - Forget-me Not Perfume, Dr. Balshazzer's Red Tar Worm Buster, and Dr. - Balshazzer's Baled Brain Food and Tolurockandryeandcodliveroil. The Blue - Eyed Forget-me Not Perfume was to go solid in long primer, following pure - reading matter eod in daily and eowtf weekly. The Red Tar Worm Buster was - to go in nonpareil leaded, 192I.T.thFth98weow3mo, and repeat; and the - Baled Brain Food and Tolurock-andryecodliveroil was a six-inch electrotype - to go in on third page, following pure original humorous matter, with six - full head lines d&weod oct9tf, set in reading type similar to copy; - these to be inserted between pure religious news, with no other - advertising within four miles of the electro, or the reading notices. - </p> - <p> - "At the same time we were running old Monkeywrench's Kidney Scraper on the - same kind of a contract. The business manager did not remember this when - we took the contract, so that as soon as we began to run the two there was - a collision between the Tolurockandryeandcodliver-oil and the Kidney - Scraper right off. I spoke to the business manager about it, and he was - puzzled. He didn't exactly know what it was best to do under the - circumstances, and he hated to lose old Balshazzer's whole trade, for he - wouldn't run any of his ads unless he would take them all according to his - contract. - </p> - <p> - "We tried to get him to let us run the BlueEyed Forget-me Not Perfume, - lapr9d&wly deod&wly 10:2t-eowtf; the Bed Tar Worm Buster, dol3 4t - da22tf aprlo-ly dol3tf, and the Brain Food and Tolurockandryecodliveroil - mchl8*ly jun4dtf&dangl8@gft>*&Sylds30tf&rsvpeod$, but he - wouldn't do it. - </p> - <p> - "I displayed his ad. top of column adjoining humorous column with three - line readers and astonishers without advertising marks or signs according - to copy and instructions to foreman, all omissions or errors to be subject - to fine and imprisonment. They were to go pdq $eoy*Octp&s* and they - were to be double leaded and headed with italic caps. Still I said it had - been some time since I saw the contract and I had been suffering with - brain fever six months in jail and possibly my memory might be defective. - I would go over it again and see if I was right. - </p> - <p> - "The electrophones were to be blown in the bottle and the readers were to - be set in lower case slugs with guarantee of good faith and Rough on Rats - would not die in the house. Use Pinkham's Sozodont for itching, freckles, - bunions and croup. It saved my life. My good woman, why are you bilious - with em quads in solid minion. Eureka Jumbo Baking Powder will not crack - or fade in any climate sent on three months trial in leaded brevier quoins - and all wool column rules warranted to cure rheumatism and army worms or - money refunded. To be adjoining selected miscellany or fancy brass dashes - marked eodsyld&w*!*?—" At this moment a dark browed man came in - and told us that the young man was his charge and on his way to Mount - Pleasant asylum for the insane and that we would have to excuse the - intrusion. After subscribing for the paper and asking us if we had heard - from Ohio, he went. - </p> - <p> - The scientist said afterward that he found it difficult to follow the - young man in some of his statements and that he was just going to ask him - to go over that again and say it slower, when the Mount Pleasant man came - in and interrupted the flow of conversation. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0075" id="link2H_4_0075"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - SAD DESTRUCTION. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HERE came very - near being a holocaust in this office on Monday. An absent-minded - candidate for the legislature lit his cigar and gently threw the match in - the waste basket. Shortly after that we felt a grateful warmth stealing up - our back and melting the rubber in our suspenders. The fire was promptly - put under control by our editorial fire department, but the basket is no - longer fit to hold a large word. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0076" id="link2H_4_0076"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE IMMEDIATE REVOLTER - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>YOMING has - recently been a great sufferer, mainly through the carrying of revolvers - in the caboose of the overalls. There is no more need of carrying a - revolver in Wyoming than there is of carrying an upright piano in the coat - tail pocket. Those who carry revolvers generally die by the revolver, and - he who agitates the six-shooter, by the six-shooter shall his blood be - shed. When a man carries a gun he does so because he has said or done - something for which he expects to be attacked, so it is safe to say that - when a man goes about our peaceful streets, loaded, he has been doing - some, little trick or other, and has in advance prepared himself for a - Smith-&-Wesson matinee. The other class of men who suffer from the - revolver comprises the white-livered and effeminate parties who ought to - be arrested for wearing men's clothes, and who never shoot anybody except - by accident. Fortunately they sometimes shoot themselves, and then the - fool-killer puts his coat on and rests half an hour. We have been writing - these things and obituaries alternately for several years, and yet there - is no falling off in the mortality. For every man who is righteously - slain, there are about a million law-abiding men, women and children - murdered. Eternity's parquette is filled with people who got there by the - self-cocking revolver route. - </p> - <p> - A man works twenty years to become known as a scholar, a newspaper man and - a gentleman, while the illiterate murderer springs into immediate - notoriety in a day, and the widow of his victim cannot even get her life - insurance. These things are what make people misanthropic and tenacious of - their belief in a hell. - </p> - <p> - If revolvers could not be sold for less than $500 a piece, with a - guarantee on the part of the vendee, signed by good sureties, that he - would support the widows and orphans, you would see more longevity lying - around loose, and western cemeteries would cease to roll up such mighty - majorities. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0077" id="link2H_4_0077"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE SECRET OF HEALTH. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">H</span>EALTH journals are - now asserting, that to maintain a sound constitution you should lie only - on the right side. The health journals may mean well enough; but what are - you going to do if you are editing a Democratic paper? - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0078" id="link2H_4_0078"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - HOUSEHOLD RECIPES. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>O remove oils, - varnishes, resins, tar, oyster soup, currant jelly, and other selections - from the bill of fare, use benzine, soap and chloroform cautiously with - whitewash brush and garden hose. Then hang on wood pile to remove the - pungent effluvia of the benzine. - </p> - <p> - To clean ceilings that have been smoked by kerosene lamps, or the - fragrance from fried salt pork, remove the ceiling, wash thoroughly with - borax, turpentine and rain water, then hang on the clothes line to dry. - Afterward pulverize and spread over the pie plant bed for spring wear. - </p> - <p> - To remove starch and roughness from flatirons, hold the iron on a large - grindstone for twenty minutes or so, then wipe off carefully with a rag. - To make this effective, the grindstone should be in motion while the iron - is applied. Should the iron still stick to the goods when in use, spit on - it. - </p> - <p> - To soften water for household purposes, put in an ounce of quicklime in a - certain quantity of water. If it is not sufficient, use less water or more - quicklime. Should the immediate lime continue to remain deliberate, lay - the water down on a stone and pound it with a base ball club. - </p> - <p> - To give relief to a burn, apply the white of an egg. The yolk of the egg - may be eaten or placed on the shirt bosom, according to the taste of the - person. If the burn should occur on a lady, she may omit the last - instruction. - </p> - <p> - To wash black silk stockings, prepare a tub of lather, composed of tepid - rain water and white soap, with a little ammonia. Then stand in the tub - till dinner is ready. Roll in a cloth to dry. Do not wring, but press the - water out. This will necessitate the removal of the stockings. - </p> - <p> - If your hands are badly chapped, wet them in warm water, rub them all over - with Indian meal, then put on a coat of glycerine and keep them in your - pockets for ten days. If you have no pockets convenient, insert them in - the pocket of a friend. - </p> - <p> - An excellent liniment for toothache or neuralgia, is made of sassafras, - oil of organum and a half ounce of tincture of capsicum, with half a pint - of alcohol. Soak nine yards of red flannel in this mixture, wrap it around - the head and then insert the head in a haystack till death comes to your - relief. - </p> - <p> - To remove scars or scratches from the limbs of a piano, bathe the limb in - a solution of tepid water and tincture of sweet oil. Then apply a strip of - court plaster, and put the piano out on the lawn for the children to play - horse with. - </p> - <p> - Woolen goods may be nicely washed if you put half an ox gall into two - gallons of tepid water. It might be well to put the goods in the water - also. If the mixture is not strong enough, put in another ox gall. Should - this fail to do the work, put in the entire ox, reserving the tail for - soup. The ox gall is comparatively useless for soup, and should not be - preserved as an article of diet. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0079" id="link2H_4_0079"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - WHAT IS LITERATURE? - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> SQUASH-NOSED - scientist from away up the creek, asks, "What is literature!" Cast your - eye over these logic-imbued columns, you sun-dried savant from the remote - precincts. Drink at the never-failing Boomerang springs of forgotten lore, - you dropsical wart of a false and erroneous civilization. Read our - "Address to the Duke of Stinking Water," or the "Ode to the Busted Snoot - of a Shattered Venus DeMilo," if you want to fill up your thirsty soul - with high-priced literature. Don't go around hungering for literary pie - while your eyes are closed and your capacious ears are filled with bales - of hay. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0080" id="link2H_4_0080"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE PREVIOUS HOTEL. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">D</span>OWN at Nathrop, - Colorado, there is a large, new, and fine hotel, where no guest ever ate - or slept. It stands there near the South Park track like the ghost of some - nice, clean country inn. The reader will naturally ask if the house is - haunted, that no one stops at the very attractive hotel in a country where - good hotels are rare. No, it is not that. It in not haunted so much as it - would like to be. Though it is a fine hotel, there is no town nearer it - than Buena Vista, and no one is going to do business at Buena Yista and go - up to Nathrop on a hand-car for his meals. - </p> - <p> - It is a case where a smart aleck of a man built a hotel, and asked his - fellow citizens to come and form a town around him and make him rich. Mr. - Nathrop was rather an impulsive man, and one day he said something that - reflected on another impulsive man, and when people came and looked for - Nathrop, they found that his body was tangled up in the sage brush, and - his soul was marching on. - </p> - <p> - The hotel was just completed, and the ladders, and the handsome lime - barrels, and hods, and old nail kegs, and fragments of laths, and pieces - of bricks, and scaffolds, and all those things that go to make life - desirable, are still there adorning the hotel and the front yard; but - there is no handsome man with a waxed mustache inside at the desk, shaking - his head sadly when he is asked for a room, and looking at you with that - high-born pity and contempt for your pleading, that the hotel clerk—heir - apparent to the universe—always keeps for those who go to him with - humility. - </p> - <p> - There is no Senegambian, with a whisk broom, waiting to brush your clothes - off your back, and leave you arrayed in a birth-mark and the earache, at - twenty-five cents per brush. There is no young, fair masher, strutting up - and down the piazza, trying to look brainy and capable of a thought. It is - only a hollow mockery, for the chamber-maid with the large slop-pail does - not come at daylight to pound on your door, and try to get in and fix up - your room, and wake you up, and frighten you to death with her shocking - chaos of wart-environed and freckle-frescoed beauty. - </p> - <p> - There the new hotel will, no doubt, stand for ages, while a little way - off, in his quiet grave, the proprietor, laid to rest in an old linen - handkerchief, is sleeping away the years till he shall be awakened by the - last grand reveille. There's no use talking, it's tough. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0081" id="link2H_4_0081"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ANECDOTE OF SPOTTED TAIL. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE popularity of - the above-named chieftain dates from a very trifling little incident, as - did that of many other men who are now great. - </p> - <p> - Spotted Tail had never won much distinction up to that time, except as the - owner of an appetite, in the presence of which his tribe stood in dumb and - terrible awe. - </p> - <p> - During the early days of what is now the great throbbing and ambitious - west, the tribe camped near Fort Sedgwick, and Big Mouth, a chief of some - importance, used to go over to the post regularly for the purpose of - filling his brindle hide full of "Fort Sedgwick Bloom of Youth." - </p> - <p> - As a consequence of Big Mouth's fatal yearning for liquid damnation, he - generally got impudent, and openly announced on the parade ground that he - could lick the entire regular army. This used to offend some of the - blood-scarred heroes who had just arrived from West Point, and in the heat - of debate they would warm the venerable warrior about two feet below the - back of his neck with the fiat of their sabers. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0013" id="linkimage-0013"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0219.jpg" alt="0219 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0219.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - This was a gross insult to Big Mouth, and he went back to the camp, where - he found Spotted Tail eating a mule that had died of inflammatory - rheumatism. Big Mouth tearfully told the wild epicure of the way he had - been treated, and asked for a council of war. Spot picked his teeth with a - tent pin, and then told the defeated relic of a mighty race that if he - would quit strong drink, he would be subjected to fewer insults. - </p> - <p> - Big Mouth then got irritated, and told S. Tail that his remarks showed - that he was standing, in with the aggressor, and was no friend to his - people. - </p> - <p> - Spotted Tail said that Mr. B. Mouth was a liar, by yon high heaven, and - before there was time to think it over, he took a butcher knife, about - four feet long, from its scabbard and cut Mr. Big Mouth plumb in two just - between the umbilicus and the watch pocket. - </p> - <p> - As the reader who is familiar with anatomy has already surmised, Big Mouth - died from the effects of this wound, and Spotted Tail was at once looked - upon as the Moses of his tribe. He readily rose to prominence, and by his - strict attention to the duties of his office, made for himself a name as a - warrior and a pie biter, at which the world turned pale. - </p> - <p> - This should teach us the importance of taking the tide at its flood, which - leads on to fortune, and to lay low when there is a hen on, as Benjamin - Franklin has so truly said. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0082" id="link2H_4_0082"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE ZEALOUS VOTER. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">S</span>PEAKING of New - York politics," said Judge Hildreth, of Cummings, the other day, "they - have a cheerful way of doing business in Gotham, and at first it rather - surprised me. I went into New York a short time before election, and a - Democratic friend told me I had better go and get registered so I could - 'wote.' I did so, for I hate to lose the divine right of suffrage, even - when I'm a good way from home. - </p> - <p> - "When election day came around, I went over to the polls in a body, in the - afternoon, but they wouldn't let me vote. I told them I was registered all - right, and that I had a right and must exercise it the same as any other - Democrat in this enlightened land, but they swore at me and entreated me - roughly, and told me to go there myself, and that I had already voted once - and couldn't do it any more. I had always thought that New York was prone - to vigilance and industry in the suffrage business, and early and often - was what I supposed was the grand hailing sign. It made me mad, therefore, - to have the city get so virtuous all at once that it couldn't even let me - vote once. - </p> - <p> - "I was irritated and extremely ill-natured when I went back to Mr. - McGinnis, and told him. of the great trouble I had had with the judges of - election, and I denounced New York politics with a great deal of fervor. - </p> - <p> - "Mr. McGinnis said it was all right. - </p> - <p> - "'That's aizy enough to me, George. Give me something difficult. Sit down - and rist yoursilf. Don't get excited and talk so loud. I know'd yez was - out lasht night wid the byes and you didn't feel like gettin' up airly to - go to the polls, so I got wan av the byes to go over and wote your name. - That's all roight, come here 'nd have someding.' - </p> - <p> - "I saw at a glance that New York people were attending to these things - thoroughly and carefully, and since that when I hear that 'a full vote - hasn't been polled in New York city' for some unknown cause, I do not - think it is true. I look upon the statement with great reserve, for I - believe they vote people there who have been dead for centuries, and - people who have not yet arrived in this country, nor even expressed a - desire to come over. I am almost positive that they are still voting the - bones of old A. T. Stewart up in the doubtful wards, and as soon as - Charlie Ross is entitled to vote, he will most assuredly be permitted to - represent. - </p> - <p> - "Why, there's one ward there where they vote the theatre ghosts and the - spirit of Hamlet's father hasn't missed an election for a hundred years." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0083" id="link2H_4_0083"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - HOW TO PRESERVE TEETH - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> FIND," said an - old man to a Boomerang reporter, yesterday, "that there is absolutely no - limit to the durability of the teeth, if they are properly taken care of. - I never drink hot drinks, always brush my teeth morning and evening, avoid - all acids whatever, and although I am 65 years old, my teeth are as good - as ever they were." - </p> - <p> - "And that is all you do to preserve your teeth, is it?" - </p> - <p> - "Yes, sir; that's all—barring, perhaps, the fact that I put them in - a glass of soft water nights." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0084" id="link2H_4_0084"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - MR. BEECHER'S BRAIN. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>R. BEECHER, has - raked in $2,000,000 with his brain. A good, tall, bulging brow, and a - brain that will give down like that, are rather to be chosen than a blind - lead, and an easy running cerebellum, than a stone quarry with a silent - but firm skunk in it. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0085" id="link2H_4_0085"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - OH, NO! - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE telephone line - between Cheyenne and Laramie City will soon be in operation. It won't - work, however. It may be a success for a time, but sooner or later Bill - Nye will set his lopsided jaws at work in front of the transmitter, and - pour a few quarts of untutored lies into the contribution box, which does - service as a part of the telephone machine. Then the wires will be yanked - off the poles, a hissing torrent of prevarication will blow the battery - jars clean over into Utah, and the listener at the Cheyenne end will be - gathered up in a basket. Weeping friends will hold a funeral over a pair - of old boots and a fragment of shoulder blade—the remains of the - departed Cheyennese. It is a weird and pixycal thing to be a natural born - liar, but there are times when a robust lie will successfully defy the - unanimous inventive genius of the age."—<i>Sun</i>. - </p> - <p> - Oh, do not say those cruel words, kind friend. Do not throw it up to us - that we are weird and pixycal. Oh, believe us, kind sir, we may have done - wrong, but we never did that. We know that election is approaching, and - all sorts of bygone crookedness is raked up at that time, even when a man - is not a candidate for office, but we ask the public to scan our record - and see if the charge made by the <i>Sun</i> is true. It may be that years - ago we escaped justice and fled to the west under an assumed name, but no - man ever before charged us with being weird and pixycal. We have been in - all kinds of society, perhaps, and mingled with people who were our - inferiors, having been pulled by the police once while visiting a - Democratic caucus, but that was our misfortune, not our fault. We were not - a member of the caucus and were therefore discharged, but even little - things like that ought to be forgotten. - </p> - <p> - As for entering any one's apartments and committing a pixycal crime, we - state now without fear of successful contradiction, that it is not so. It - is no sign because a man in an unguarded moment entered the Rock Creek - eating house and gave way to his emotions, that he is a person to be - shunned. It was hunger, and not love for the questionable, that made us go - there. It is not because we are by nature weird or pixycal, for we are - not. We are not angry over this charge. It just simply hurts and grieves - us. It comes too, at a time when we are trying to lead a different life, - and while others are trying to lend us every aid and encouragement. We - have many friends in Cheyenne who want to see us come up and take higher - ground, but how can we do so if the press lends its influence against us. - That's just the way we feel about it. If the public prints try to put us - down and crush us in this manner, we will probably get desperate and be - just as weird and pixycal as we can be. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0086" id="link2H_4_0086"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE MARCH OF CIVILIZATION. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">S</span>POKANE IKE," the - Indian who killed a doctor last summer for failing to cure his child, has - been hanged. This shows the onward march of civilization, and vouchsafes - to us the time when a doctor's life will be in less danger than that of - his patient. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0087" id="link2H_4_0087"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - AN UNCLOUDED WELCOME. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">N</span>.P. WILLIS once - said: "The sweetest thing in life is the unclouded welcome of a wife." - This is true, indeed, but when her welcome is clouded with an atmosphere - of angry words and coal scuttles, there is something about it that makes a - man want to go out in the woodshed and sleep on the ice-chest. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0088" id="link2H_4_0088"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE PILLOW-SHAM HOLDER. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">S</span>OME enemy to - mankind has recently invented an infernal machine known as the pillow-sham - holder, which is attached to the head of the bedstead and works with a - spiral spring. It is a kind of refined towel-rack on which you hang your - pillow-shams at night so they wont get busted by the man of the house. The - man of the house generally gets the pillow-shams down under his feet when - he undresses and polishes off his cunning little toes on the lace poultice - on which his wife prides herself. This pillow-sham holder saves all this. - You just yank your pillow-sham off the bed and hang it on this high-toned - sham holder, where it rests all night. At least that's the intention. - After a little while, however, the spring gets weak, and the holder - buckles to, or caves in, or whatever you may call it, at the most - unexpected moment. The slightest movement on the part of the occupant of - the bed, turns loose the pillow-sham holder, and the slumberer gets it - across the bridge of his or her nose, as the case may be. Sometimes the - vibration caused by a midnight snore, will unhinge this weapon of the - devil, and it will whack the sleeper across the features in a way that - scares him almost to death. If you think it is a glad surprise to get a - lick across the perceptive faculties in the middle of a sound slumber, - when you are dreaming of elysium and high-priced peris and such things as - that, just try the death-dealing pillow-sham holder, and then report in - writing to the chairman of the executive committee. It is well calculated - to fill the soul with horror and amaze. A raven-black Saratoga wave, - hanging on the back of a chair, has been known to turn white in a single - night as the result of the sudden kerflummix of one of these cheerful - articles of furniture. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0089" id="link2H_4_0089"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - SOMETHING FRESH. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>UR Saturday - dispatches announce that an infernal machine had just been received at the - office of Chief Justice Field, and later on, Justice Field, who was in - Wyoming Saturday, said to a reporter that the machine was one that was - sent to him in 1866, and that last week he sent it down to a gun factory - to have the powder taken out, as he wished to stuff it and preserve it - among the archives. - </p> - <p> - With the aid of the telegraph and the facilities of the Associated Press, - it does seem as though we were living in an age of almost miraculous - possibilities. Here is an instance where an infernal machine is sent to a - prominent man, and in less than sixteen years the news is flashed to the - four quarters of the globe like lightning. How long will it be before the - whole bloody history of the war of the rebellion will be sent to every - hamlet in the land? How long before the safe arrival of the ark, and the - losses occasioned by the deluge, will be given to us in dollars and cents? - </p> - <p> - People don't fully realize the advantages we possess in this glorious - nineteenth century. They take all these things as a matter of course, and - forget how the palpitating brain palps for them, and how the quivering - nerve quivs on and on through the silent night in order that humanity may - keep informed in relation to ancient history. - </p> - <h3> - A BAKEFOOTED GODDESS. - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HERE'S one little - national matter that has been neglected about long enough, it seems to us. - If the goddess of liberty is allowed to go barefoot for another century, - her delicate toes will spread out over this nation like the shadow of a - great woe. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0090" id="link2H_4_0090"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - YANKED TO ETERNITY. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>NCE, when a - section-crew came down the mountain on the South Park road, from Alpine - Tunnel to Buena Vista, a very singular thing occurred, which has never - been given to the public. Every one who knows anything at all, knows that - riding down that mountain on a push-car, descending at the rate of over - 200 feet to the mile, means utter destruction, unless the brake is on. - This brake is nothing more nor less then a piece of scantling, which is - applied between one of the wheels and the car-bed, in such a way as to - produce great friction. - </p> - <p> - The section-crew referred to, got on at Hancock with their bronzed and - glowing hides as full of arsenic and rain-water as they could possibly - hold. Being recklessly drunk, they enjoyed the accumulated velocity of the - car wonderfully, until the section boss lost the break off the car, and - then there was a slight feeling of anxiety. The car at last acquired a - velocity like that of a young and frolicsome bob-tailed comet turned loose - in space. The boys began to get nervous at last, and asked each other what - should be done. - </p> - <p> - There seemed to be absolutely nothing to do but to shoot onward into the - golden presently. - </p> - <p> - All at once the section boss thought of something. He was drunk, but the - deadly peril of the moment suggested an idea. There was a rope on the car - which would do to tie to something heavy and cast off for an anchor. The - idea was only partially successful, however, for there was nothing to tie - to but a spike hammer. This was tried but it wouldn't work. Then it was - decided to tie it to some one of the crew and cast him loose in order to - save the lives of those who remained. It was a glorious opportunity. It - was a heroic thing to do. It was like Arnold Winklered's great sacrifice, - by which victory was gained by filling his own system full of lances and - making a toothpick holder of himself, in order that his comrades might - break through the ranks of their foes. - </p> - <p> - George O'Malley, the section boss, said that he was willing that Patsy - McBride should snatch the laurels from outrageous fortune and bind them on - his brow, but Mr. McBride said he didn't care much for the encomiums of - the world. He hadn't lost any encomiums, and didn't want to trade his - liver for two dollars' worth of damaged laurels. - </p> - <p> - Everyone declined. All seemed willing to go down into history without any - ten-line pay-local, and wanted someone else to get the effulgence. - Finally, it was decided that a man by the name of Christian Christianson - was the man to tie to. He had the asthma anyhow, and life wasn't much of - an object to him, so they said that, although he declined, he must take - the nomination, as he was in the hands of his friends. - </p> - <p> - So they tied the rope around Christian and cast anchor. - </p> - <h3> - ****** - </h3> - <p> - The car slowed up and at last stopped still. The plan had succeeded. Five - happy wives greeted their husbands that night as they returned from the - jaws of destruction. Christian Christianson did not return. The days may - come and the days may go, but Christian's wife will look up toward the - summit' of the snow-crowned mountains in vain. - </p> - <p> - He will never entirely return. He has done so partially, of course, but - there are still missing fragments of him, and it looks as though he must - have lost his life. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0091" id="link2H_4_0091"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - WHY WE SHED THE SCALDING. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>N justice to - ourself we desire to state that the Cheyenne <i>Sun</i> has villified us - and placed us in a false position before the public. It has stated that - while at Rock Creek station, in the early part of the week, we were taken - for a peanutter, and otherwise ill-treated at the railroad eating corral - and omelette emporium, and that in consequence of such treatment we shed - great scalding tears as large as watermelons. This is not true. We did - shed the tears as above set forth, but not because of ill-treatment on the - part of the eating-house proprietor. - </p> - <p> - It was the presence of death that broke our heart and opened the fountains - of our great deep, so to speak. When we poured the glucose syrup on our - pancakes, the stiff and cold remains of a large beetle and two cunning - little twin cockroaches fell out into our plate, and lay there hushed in - an eternal repose. - </p> - <p> - Death to us is all powerful. The King of Terrors is to us the mighty - sovereign before whom we must all bow, from the mighty emperor down to the - meanest slave, from the railroad superintendent, riding in his special - car, down to the humblest humorist, all alike must some day curl up and - die. This saddens us at all times, but more peculiarly so when Death, with - his relentless lawn mower, has gathered in the young and innocent. This - was the case where two little twin cockroaches, whose lives had been - unspotted, and whose years had been unclouded by wrong and selfishness, - were called upon to meet death together. In the stillness of the night, - when others slept, these affectionate little twins crept into the glucose - syrup and died. - </p> - <p> - We hope no one will misrepresent this matter. We did weep, and we are not - ashamed to own it. We sat there and sobbed until the tablecloth was wet - for four feet, and the venerable ham was floating around in tears. It was - not for ourself, however, that we wept. No unkindness on the part of an - eating-house ever provoked such a tornado of woe. We just weep when we see - death and are brought in close contact with it. And we were not the only - one that shed tears. Dickinson and Warren wept, strong men as they were. - Even the butter wept. Strong as it was it could not control its emotions. - </p> - <p> - We don't very often answer a newspaper attack, but when we are accused of - weeping till people have to take off their boots and wring out their - socks, we want the public to know what it is for. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0092" id="link2H_4_0092"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ANOTHER SUGGESTION. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>E were surprised - and grieved to see, on Monday evening, a man in the dress circle at the - performance of Hazel Kirke at Blackburn's Grand Opera House, who had - communed with the maddening bowl till he was considerably elated. When - Pitticus made a good hit, or Hazel struck a moist lead, and everybody wept - softly on the carpet, this man furnished a war-whoop that not only annoyed - the audience, but seemed also to break up the actors a little. Later, he - got more quiet, and at last went to sleep and slid out of his chair on the - floor. It is such little episodes as these that make strangers - dissatisfied with the glorious west. When you go to see something touchful - on the stage, you do not care to have your finer feelings ruffled by the - yells of a man who has got a corner on delirium tremens. - </p> - <p> - It is also humiliating to our citizens to be pulled up off the floor by - the coat-collar and steered out the door by a policeman. - </p> - <p> - We hope that as progress is more plainly visible in Wyoming, and as we get - more and more refined, such things will be of less and less frequent - occurrence, till a man can go to see a theatrical performance with just as - much comfort as he would in New York and other eastern towns. - </p> - <p> - Another point while we are discussing the performance of Hazel Kirke. - There were some present on Monday night, sitting hack in the third - balcony, who need a theatrical guide to aid them in discovering which are - the places to weep and which to gurgle. - </p> - <p> - It was a little embarrassing to Miss Ellsler to make a grand dramatic hit - that was supposed to yank loose a freshet of woe, to be greeted with a - snort of demoniac laughter from the rear of the grand opera house. - </p> - <p> - It seemed to unnerve her and surprise her, but she kept her balance and - her head. When death and ruin, and shame and dishonor, were pictured in - their tragic horror, the wild, unfettered humorist of a crude civilization - fairly yelled with delight. He thought that the tomb and such things were - intended to be synonymous with the minstrel show and the circus. He - thought that old Dunstan Kirke was there with his sightless eyes to give - Laramie the grandest, riproaringest tempest of mirth that she had ever - experienced. That is why we say that we will never have a successful - performance in the theatrical line, till some of this class are provided - with laugh-and-cry guide books. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0093" id="link2H_4_0093"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - PISCATORIAL AND EDITORIAL - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> CORRESPONDENT of - the New York <i>Post</i> says that the codfish frequents "the table lands - of the sea." The codfish, no doubt, does this to secure as nearly as - possible a dry, bracing atmosphere. This pure air of the submarine table - lands gives to the codfish that breadth of chest and depth of lungs which - we have always noticed. - </p> - <p> - The glad, free smile of the codfish is largely attributed to the - exhilaration of this oceanic altitoodleum. - </p> - <p> - The correspondent further says, that "the cod subsists largely on the sea - cherry." Those who have not had the pleasure of seeing the codfish climb - the sea cherry tree in search of food, or clubbing the fruit from the - heavily-laden branches with chunks of coral, have missed a very fine - sight. - </p> - <p> - The codfish, when at home rambling through the submarine forests, does not - wear his vest unbuttoned, as he does while loafing around the grocery - stores of the United States. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0094" id="link2H_4_0094"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ANOTHER FEATHERED SONGSTER - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> FORT STEELE - taxidermist has presented this office with a stuffed bird of prey about - nine feet high, which we have put up in <i>The Boomerang</i> office, and - hereby return thanks for. It is a kind of a cross between a dodo and a - meander-up-the-creek. Its neck is long, like the right of way to a - railway, and its legs need some sawdust to make them look healthy. Those - who subscribe for the paper, can look at this great work of art free. - </p> - <p> - This bird is noted for its brief and horizontal alimentary canal. It has - no devious digestive arrangements, but contents itself with an economical - and unostentatious trunk-line of digestion so simple that any child can - understand it. He (or she, as the case may be) in his (or her) stocking - feet can easily look over into next fall, and when standing in our office, - peers down at us from over the stove-pipe in a reproachful way that fills - us with remorse. - </p> - <p> - We have labeled it "The Democrat Wading Up Salt Creek" and filed it away - near the skull of an Indian that we killed years ago when we got mad and - wiped out a whole tribe. The geological name of this bird we do not at - this moment recall, but it is one of those sorrowful-looking fowls that - stick their legs out behind when they fly, and are not good for food. - </p> - <p> - Parties wishing to see the bird, and subscribe for the <i>Home Journal</i> - can obtain an audience by kicking three times on the last hall door on the - left and throwing two dollars through the transom. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0096" id="link2H_4_0096"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ABOUT THE OSTRICH - </h2> - <p> - </p> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span> HERE is some - prospect of ostrich farming developing into quite an industry in the - southwest, and it will sometime be a cold day when the simple-minded - rustic of that region will not have ostrich on toast if he wants it. - Ostrich farming, however, will always have its drawbacks. The hen ostrich - is not a good layer as a rule, only laying two eggs per annum, which, - being about the size of a porcelain wash bowl, make her so proud that she - takes the balance of the year for the purpose of convalescing. - </p> - <p> - The ostrich is chiefly valuable for the plumage which he wears, and which, - when introduced into the world of commerce, makes the husband almost wish - that he were dead. - </p> - <p> - Probably the ostrich will not come into general use as an article of food, - few people caring for it, as the meat is coarse, and the gizzard full of - old hardware, and relics of wrecked trains and old irons left where there - has been a fire. - </p> - <p> - Carving the ostrich is not so difficult as carving the quail, because the - joints are larger and one can find them with less trouble. Still, the bird - takes up a great deal of room at the table, and the best circles are not - using them. - </p> - <p> - The ostrich does not set She don't have time. She does not squat down over - something and insist on hatching it out if it takes all summer, but she - just lays a couple of porcelain cuspidors in the hot sand when she feels - like it, and then goes away to the seaside to quiet her shattered nerves. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0098" id="link2H_4_0098"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - TOO MUCH GOD AND NO FLOUR. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>LD CHIEF - POCOTELLO, now at the Fort Hall agency, in answer to an inquiry relative - to the true Christian character of a former Indian agent at that place, - gave in very terse language the most accurate description of a hypocrite - that was ever given to the public. "Ugh! Too much God and no flour." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0099" id="link2H_4_0099"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - WE ARE GETTING CYNICAL - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>T begins to look - now as though Major F. G. Wilson, who stopped here a short time last week - and week before, might be a gentleman in disguise. He has done several - things since he left here, that look to a man up a tree like something - irregular and peculiar. The major has not only prevaricated, but he has - done so in such a way as to beat his friends and to make them yearn for - his person in order that they may kick him over into the inky night of - space. He has represented himself as confidential adviser and literary - tourist of several prominent New York, Chicago, Omaha and Tie Siding - dailies, and had such good documents to show in proof of his identity in - that capacity that he has received many courtesies which, as an ordinary - American dead-beat, he might have experienced great difficulty in - securing. We simply state this in order to put our esteemed contemporaries - on their guard, so that they will not let him spit in their overshoes and - enjoy himself as he did here. He wears a white hat on his head and a - crooked tooth in the piazza of his mouth. This pearly fang he uses to - masticate and reduce little delicate irregular fragments of plug tobacco, - which he borrows of people who have time to listen to the silvery tinkle - of his bazoo. - </p> - <p> - When last seen he was headed west, and will probably strike Eureka, - Nevada, in a week or two. His mission seems to be mainly to make people - feel a goneness in their exchequer, and to distribute tobacco dados over - the office stoves of our great land. He is a man who writes long letters - to the New York <i>Herald</i> that are never printed. His freshly blown - nose is red, but his newspaper articles are not. He claims to represent - the Mutual Reserve Fund Life Association lately, too. The company - represents the Insurance and he attends to the Mutual Reserve Fund. He has - mutually reserved all the funds he could get hold of since he struck the - west, besides mutually reserving enough strong drink to eat a hole through - the Ames monument. - </p> - <p> - Such men as Major Wilson make us suspicious of humanity, and very likely - the next man who comes along here and represents that he is a great man, - and wants five dollars on his well-rounded figure and fair fame will have - to be identified. We have helped forty or fifty such men to make a bridal - tour of Wyoming and now we are going to saw off and quit. When a great - journalist comes into this office again with an internal revenue tax on - his breath and nineteen dollars back on his baggage, we will probably pick - up a fifty pound chunk of North Park quartz and spread his intellectual - faculties around this building till it looks like the Custer massacre. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0100" id="link2H_4_0100"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ASK US SOMETHING DIFFICULT. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>HAT becomes of our - bodies?" asks a soft eyed scientist, and we answer in stentorian tones, - that they get inside of a red flannel undershirt as the maple turns to - crimson and the sassafras to gold. Ask us something difficult, ethereal - being, if you want to see us get up and claw for our library of public - documents. - </p> - <h3> - A MINING EXPERIMENT - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> MILD-EYED youth, - wearing a dessert-spoon hat and polka-dot socks, went into Middle Park the - other day and claimed to be a mining expert. The boys inveigled him into - driving a stick of giant powder into a drill-hole at the bottom of a shaft - with an old axe, and now they are trying to get him out of the ground with - ammonia and a tooth-brush. - </p> - <h3> - A NEW INDUSTRY. - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE want column of - the Chicago <i>News</i> for October 10th has the following: "Twelve - frightful examples' wanted, to travel with Scott Marble's new drama and - appear in the realistic bar-room scene of the 'Drunkard's Daughter.' - Arthur G. Cambridge, dramatic agent, 75 South Clark street." - </p> - <p> - This throws open a field of usefulness to a class of men who hitherto have - seen no prospect whatever for the future. It brings within the reach of - such men a business which, requiring no capital, still gives the actor - much time to do as he chooses. Beauty often wins for itself a place in the - great theatrical world, but it is rare that the tomato nose and the watery - eye secure a salary for their proprietors. Business must be picking up - when the wiggly legs and danger-signal nose will bring so much per week - and railroad fare. Perhaps prohibition has got the "frightful example" - business down to where it commands the notice of the world because of its - seldom condition. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0101" id="link2H_4_0101"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE MIMIC STAGE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>T the performance - of "The Phoenix" here, the other night, there was a very affecting place - where the play is transferred very quickly from a street scene to the - elegant apartments of Mr. Blackburn, the heavy villain. The street scene - had to be raised out of the way, and the effect of the transition was - somewhat marred by the reluctance of the scenery in rolling up out of the - way. It got about half way up, and stopped there in an undecided manner, - which annoyed the heavy villain a good deal. He started to make some - blood-curdling remarks about Mr. Bludsoe, and had got pretty well warmed - up when the scenery came down with a bang on the stage. The artist who - pulls up the curtain and fills the hall lamps, then pulled the scene up so - as to show the villain's feet for fifteen or twenty minutes, but he - couldn't get it any farther. It seemed that the clothes line, by which the - elaborate scenery is operated, got tangled up some way, and this caused - the delay. After that another effort was made, and this time the street - scene rolled up to about the third story of a brick hotel shown in the - foreground, and stopped there, while the clarionet and first violin - continued a kind of sad tremulo. Then a dark hand, with a wart on one - finger and an oriental dollar store ring on another, came out from behind - the wings and began to wind the clothes-line carefully around the pole at - the foot of the scene. The villain then proceeded with his soliloquy, - while the street scene hung by one corner in such a way as to make a large - warehouse on the corner of the street stand at an angle of about - forty-five degrees. - </p> - <p> - Laramie will never feel perfectly happy until these little hitches are - dispensed with. Supposing that at some place in the play, where the - heroine is speaking soft and low to her lover and the proper moment has - arrived for her to pillow her sunny head upon his bosom, that street scene - should fetch loose, and come down with such momentum as to knock the - lovers over into the arms of the bass-viol player. Or suppose that in some - death-bed act this same scene, loaded with a telegraph pole at the bottom, - should settle down all at once in such a way as to leave the death-bed out - on the corner of Monroe and Clark streets, in front of a candy store. - </p> - <p> - Modern stage mechanism has now reached such a degree of perfection that - the stage carpenter does not go up on a step ladder, in the middle of a - play, and nail the corner of a scene to a stick of 2x4 scantling, while a - duel is going on near the step ladder. In all the larger theatres and - opera houses, now, they are not doing that way. - </p> - <p> - Of course little incidents occur, however, even on the best stages, and - where the whole thing works all right. For instance, the other day, a - young actor, who was kneeling to a beautiful heiress down east, got a - little too far front, and some scenery, which was to come together in the - middle of the stage to pianissimo music, shut him outside and divided the - tableau in two, leaving the young actor apparently kneeling at the foot of - a street lamp, as though he might be hunting for a half a dollar that he - had just dropped on the sidewalk. - </p> - <p> - There was a play in New York, not long ago, in which there was a kind of - military parade introduced, and the leader of a file of soldiers had his - instructions to march three times around the stage to martial music, and - then file off at the left, the whole column, of course, following him. - After marching once around, the stage manager was surprised to see the - leader deliberately wheel, and walk off the stage, at the left, with the - whole battalion following at his heels. The manager went to him and abused - him shamefully for his haste, and told him he had a mind to discharge him; - but the talented hack driver, who thus acted as the military leader, and - who had over-played himself by marching off the stage ahead of time, said: - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0014" id="linkimage-0014"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0249.jpg" alt="0249 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0249.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - "Well, confound it, you can discharge me if you want to, but what was a - man to do? Would you have me march around three times when my military - pants were coming off, and I knew it? Military pride, pomp, parade, and - circumstance, are all right; but it can be overdone. A military squadron, - detachment, or whatever it is, can make more of a parade, under certain - circumstances, than is advertised. I didn't want to give people more show - than they paid for, and I ask you to put yourself in my place. When a man - is paid three dollars a week to play a Roman soldier, would you have him - play the Greek slave? No, sir; I guess I know what I'm hired to play, and - I'm going to play it. When you want me to play Adam in the Garden of Eden, - just give me my fig leaf and salary enough to make it interesting, and I - will try and properly interpret the character for you, or refund the money - at the door." - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0102" id="link2H_4_0102"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - DECLINE OF AMERICAN HUMOR - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">D</span>EAR, - mellow-voiced, starry-eyed reader, did you ever see something about "the - decline of American humor?" Well, we got a gob of American humor, - yesterday, written by a yahoo with pale pink hair, which was entitled - "Marriage in Mormondom on the Tontine Plan." Well, we declined it. Decline - of American humor. <i>Sabe?</i> - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0103" id="link2H_4_0103"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHICAGO CUSTOM HOUSE - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE Chicago custom - house and post office, built from designs by Oscar Wild, and other delirum - tremens artists, is getting wiggly, and bids fair to some day fall down - and scrunch about 500 United States employes into the great billowy sea of - the eternal hence. It is a sick looking structure, with little gothic - warts on top, and red window sashes, and little half-grown smoke houses - sprouting out of it in different places. It is grand, gloomy and peculiar, - and looks as though it might be cursed with an inward pain. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0104" id="link2H_4_0104"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - FOREIGN OPINION - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>E are indebted to - Fred J. Prouting, correspondent of the foreign and British newspaper - press, for a copy of the London <i>Daily</i> of the 9th inst., containing - the following editorial notice: - </p> - <p> - "If ever celebrity were attained unexpectedly, most assuredly it was that - thrust upon Bill Nye by Truthful James. It is just possible, however, that - the innumerable readers of Mr. Bret Harte's 'Heathen Chinee' may have - imagined Bill Nye and Ah Sin to be purely mythical personages. So far as - the former is concerned, any such conclusion now appears to have been - erroneous. Bill Nye is no more a phantom than any other journalist, - although the name of the organ which he 'runs' savors more of fiction than - of fact. But there is no doubt about the matter, for the Washington - correspondent of the New York <i>Tribune</i> telegraphed on the 29th - instant, that Bill Nye had accepted a post under the government. He has - lately been domiciled in Laramie City, Wyoming territory, and is editor of - The Daily Boomerang. In reference to Acting-Postmaster-Gen. Hatton's - appointment of him as postmaster at Laramie City, the opponent of Ah Sin - writes an extremely humorous letter, 'extending' his thanks, and advising - his chief of his opinion that his 'appointment is a triumph of eternal - truth over error and wrong.' Nye continues: 'It is one of the epochs, I - may say, in the nation's onward march toward political purity and - perfection. I don't know when I have noticed any stride in the affairs of - state which has so thoroughly impressed me with its wisdom.' In this quiet - strain of banter, Bill Nye continues to the end of his letter, which - suggests the opinion that whatever the official qualifications of the new - postmaster may be, the inhabitants of Laramie City must have a very - readable newspaper in The Daily Boomerang." - </p> - <p> - While thanking our London contemporary for its gentle and harmless - remarks, we desire to correct an erroneous impression that the seems to - have as to our general style: The British press has in some way arrived at - the conclusion that the editor of this fashion-guide and mental lighthouse - on the rocky shores of time (terms cash), is a party with wild tangled - hair, and an like a tongue of flame. - </p> - <p> - That is not the case, and therefore our English co-worker in the great - field of journalism is, no doubt, laboring under a popular - misapprehension. Could the editor of the <i>News</i> look in upon us as we - pull down tome after tome of forgotten lore in our study; or, with a glad - smile, glance hurriedly over the postal card in transit through our - postoffice, he would see, not as he supposes, a wild and cruel slayer of - his fellow men, but a thoughtful, scholarly and choice fragment of modern - architecture, with lines of care about the firmly chiseled mouth, and with - the subdued and chastened air of a man who has run for the legislature and - failed to get there, Eli. - </p> - <p> - The London <i>News</i> is an older paper than ours, and we therefore - recognize the value of its kind notice. <i>The Boomerang</i> is a young - paper, and has therefore only begun fairly to do much damage as a national - misfortune, but the time is not far distant, when, from Greenland's icy - mountains to India's coral strand, we propose to search out suffering - humanity and make death easier and more desirable, by introducing this - choice malady. - </p> - <p> - Regarding the postoffice, we wish to state that we shall aim to make it a - great financial success, and furnish mail at all times to all who desire - it, whether they have any or not. We shall be pretty busy, of course, - attending to the office during the day, and writing scathing editorials - during the night, but we will try to snatch a moment now and then to write - a few letters for those who have been inquiring sadly and hopelessly for - letters during the past ten years. It is, indeed, a dark and dreary world - to the man who has looked in at the same general delivery window nine - times a day for ten years, and yet never received a letter, nor even a - confidential postal card from a commercial man, stating that on the 5th of - the following month he would strike the town with a new and attractive - line of samples. - </p> - <p> - We should early learn to find put such suffering as that, and if we are in - the postoffice department we may be the means of much good by putting new - envelopes on our own dunning letters and mailing them to the suffering and - distressed. Let us, in our abundance, remember those who have not been - dunned for many a weary year. It will do them good, and we will not feel - the loss. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0105" id="link2H_4_0105"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THEY HAVE CURBED THEIR WOE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HEY say that - Brigham Young's grave is looking as bare and desolate as a boulevard now. - At first, while her grief was fresh, his widow used to march out there - five abreast, and just naturally deluge the grave with scalding tears, and - at that time the green grass grew luxuriantly, and the pig-weed waved in - the soft summer air; but as she learned to control her emotions, the - humidity of the atmosphere disappeared, and grief's grand irrigation - failed to give down. We should learn from this that the man who flatters - himself that in marrying a whole precinct during life, he is piling up for - the future a large invoice of ungovernable woe, is liable to get left. The - prophet's tomb looks to-day like a deserted buffalo wallow, while his - widow has dried her tears, and is trying to make a mash on the Utah - commission. Such is life in the far west, and such the fitting resting - place of a red-headed old galvanized prophet, who marries a squint-eyed - fly-up-the-creek, and afterward gets a special revelation requiring him to - marry a female mass-meeting. Let us be thankful for what we have, instead - of yearning for a great wealth of wife. Then the life insurance will not - have to be scattered so, and our friends will be spared the humiliating - spectacle of a bereft and sorrowing herd of widow, turned loose by the - cold hand of death to monkey o'er our tomb. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0106" id="link2H_4_0106"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - HUNG BY REQUEST. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HIS county has had - two hemp carnivals during the past few weeks, and it begins to look like - old times again. In each case the murder was unprovoked, and the victim a - quiet gentleman. That is why there was a popular feeling against the - murderer, and a spontaneous ropestretching benefit as a result. While we - deplore the existence of a state of affairs that would warrant these - little expressions of feeling, we cannot come right out and condemn the - exercises which followed. - </p> - <p> - The more we read the political record of the candidate for office, as set - forth in opposing journals, the more we feel that there are already few - enough good men in this country, so that we do not care to spare any of - them. If, therefore, the mischievous bad man is permitted to thin them out - this way, the day is not distant when we won't have good men enough to run - the newspapers, to say nothing of other avocations. - </p> - <p> - We know that eastern people will speak of us as a ferocious tribe on the - Wyoming reservation, but we desire to call the attention of our more - law-abiding brethren to the fact that there has been in the past year a - lynching in almost every state in the Union, to say nothing of several - hundred cases where there should have been. Do you suppose Wyoming young - ladies would consent to play the waltz known as "Under the Elms," composed - by Walter Malley, if Walter had been as frolicsome here as he was down on - the Atlantic coast? Scarcely. We may be the creatures of impulse here, but - not that kind of impulse. - </p> - <p> - Minneapolis hung a man during the past year, and so did Bloomington and - other high-toned towns, and shall we, because we are poor and lonely, be - denied this poor boon? We hope not. Because we have left the East and - moved out here to make some money and build up a new country, shall we be - refused the privileges we would have enjoyed if we had remained in the - states. We trow not. - </p> - <p> - A telegraph pole with a remains hanging on it is not a cheerful sight, but - it has a tendency to annoy and mentally disturb those who contemplate the - violent death of some good man. It unnerves the brave assassin and makes - him restless and apprehensive. Death is always depressing, but it is - doubly so when it has that purple and suffocated appearance which is - noticeable in the features of the early fall fruit of the telegraph pole. - Lately, we will state, however, the telegraph pole has fallen into - disfavor, and is not much used, owing to a rumor which gained circulation - some time ago, to the effect that Jay Gould intended to charge the - vigilance committee rent. - </p> - <h3> - A COLORED GREEK SLATE. - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> NUDE colored - woman, as wild as a gorilla, startling the people of the Marvel section of - Missouri. She has been seen several times, and the last time threw a young - lady, who was horseback riding, into hysteria, and with a grunt—not - unlike that of a wild hog—jumped up and ran into the forest. At the - time of her discovery she was burrowing into the side of the road, - catching and eating crawfish, which she ate claws, hide and all. She is - very black, and foams at the mouth when angry, like a wild animal at bay. - She is probably a colored Greek slave in search of an umbrella and the - remainder of her wardrobe. Still, she may be a brunette society belle, who - went in swimming where a mud-turtle caught her by the pink toe, and the - nervous shock has unsettled her mind. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0107" id="link2H_4_0107"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE MELVILLES. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>N exchange says - that Mrs. Melville has become deranged through excess of joy over the - unexpected return of her husband. Another one says that it is thought that - Lieutenant Melville is off his basement as a result of exposure to the - vigorous and bracing air of the north pole. Still another says that Mr. - Melville was always mean and hateful toward his wife, and that when he was - at home, she had to do her own washing and wind the clock herself. From - the different stories now floating about relative to the Melville family, - we are led to believe that he is a kind and considerate husband, pleasant - and good-natured toward his wife—while asleep; and that she is a - kind, beautiful and accomplished wife—when she is sober. How many of - our best wives are falling victims to the alcoholic habit recently! How - sad to think that, as husbands, we will soon be left to wait and watch and - vigil through the long, weary night for that one to return who promised us - on the nuptial day that she would protect and love us. Ah, what a silent, - but seductive foe to the husband is rum! How it creeps into the home - circle and snatches the wife in the full blush and bloom of womanhood, - while the pale, sad-eyed husband sits at the sewing machine and barely - makes enough to keep the little ones from want. - </p> - <p> - No one can fully realize, but he who has been there, so to speak, the - terrible shock that Mr. Melville received on the first evening that his - wife came staggering home. No one can tell how the pain froze his - throbbing gizzard, or how he shuddered in the darkness, and filled the - pillow-sham full of sobs when he first knew that she had got it up her - nose. Ah, what a picture of woe we see before us. There in the solemn - night, robed in? long, plainly constructed garment of pure white, buttoned - at the throat in a negligent manner, stands Mr. Melville with his bare, - tall brow glistening in the flickering rays of a kerosene lamp, which he - holds in his hand, while on the front porch stands the wife who a few - years ago promised to defend and protect him. She is a little unsteady on - her feet, and her hat is out of plumb. She tries to be facetious, and asks - him if that is where Mr. Melville lives. He looks at her coldly and says - it is, but unfortunately it is not an inebriate's home and refuge for the - budge demolisher. Then he bursts into tears, and his sobs shake the entire - ranch. But we draw a curtain over the scene. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <p> - A year later he may be discovered about two miles southwest of the north - pole. Cool, but happy. He is trying to forget his woe. He smells like - sperm-oil and looks like a bald-headed sausage, but the woe of drink is - forgotten.' - </p> - <p> - How sad that he has returned and suffered again. What a mistake that he - did not remain where, instead of his wife's coolness, he would have had - only that of nature to contend against. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0108" id="link2H_4_0108"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - MENDING BROKEN NECKS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HEY have - successfully set a boy's broken neck, in Connecticut, and now it looks as - though the only way to kill a man is to take him about 200 miles from any - physician, and run him through a Hoe Perfecting Press. If this thing - continues, they will some day put some electricity into Pharaoh's daughter - and engage her as a ballet-dancer, along with other tender pullets of her - own age. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0109" id="link2H_4_0109"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ARE YOU A MORMON? - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>E are indebted to - Elder Wilkins, of Logan, Utah, first-assistant-general-tooly-muck-a-hi Z. - C. M. I. and Z. W. of T. U. O. M. and B. company, and president of the - cache stake of Zion, constituting last in the quorum of seventies, for the - late edition of the Mormon Guide and Hand Book of the Endowment House. It - is a very pleasant work to read, and makes the whole endowment scheme as - clear to the average mind as though he had been through it personally. - </p> - <p> - Pictures of the endowment chemiloon and Z. C. M. I. bib are given to show - the novice exactly how they appear to the unclothed and unregenerate - vision. The convert, it seems, first goes to the desk, on entering, and - registers. Then she leaves her every-day clothes in the baggage room and - gets a check for them. The next thing on the programme is a bath, called - the farewell bath, because it is the last one taken by the endowment - victim. - </p> - <p> - The convert is then anointed with machine oil from a cow's horn, after - which she is named something, supposed to be the celestial cognomen. Then - comes the endowment robe, which is a combination arrangement that don't - look pretty. After that, the apprentice to polygamy goes into an impromptu - garden of Eden, where the apple business is gone through with. A - thick-necked path-master from Logan takes the character of Adam, and a - pale-haired livery stable keeper from Salt Lake acts as the ruler of the - universe. This is not making light of a sacred subject. It is just the - simple, plain, horrible truth. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0015" id="linkimage-0015"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0265.jpg" alt="0265 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0265.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - The creation of the world is thus gone through with by these blatant - priests of Latter Day bogus sanctity, and the exercises are continued - after this fashion through all their disgusting details. We have no time - or inclination to enlarge upon them. Truth is sometimes nauseating, - especially while discussing the Mormon problem. - </p> - <p> - If Brigham Young had lived, he would have helped out his church by a - revelation that would have knocked the daylights out of polygamy; but as - it is now, John Taylor, with his characteristic stubborness, will not - attend to it, his revelation machine being somewhat out of whack, as Oscar - Wilde would say, so that the anointing with the so-called sanctified - lubricant will continue till the United States sits down on the whole - grand farce. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0110" id="link2H_4_0110"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CAUTION. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> MAN is going - about the streets of Laramie claiming to be John the Baptist. He has light - hair and chin whiskers, is stout built and looks like a farmer. We desire - to warn those of our readers who may be inclined to trust him, that he is - not what he purports to be. We have taken great pains to look the matter - up, and find, as a result of our research, that John the Baptist is dead. - </p> - <h3> - A BLOW TO THE GOVERNMENT - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>T the October term - of the district court we shall resign the office of United States - Commissioner for this judicial district, an office which we have held so - long, and with such great credit to ourself. Fearing that in the hurry and - rush of other business our contemporaries might overlook the matter, we - have consented to mention, briefly, the fact that at the opening of court, - Judge Blair will be called upon to accept the resignation of one of our - most tried and true officials, who has for so long held up this corner of - the great national fabric. - </p> - <p> - It has been our solemn duty to examine the greaser who sold liquor to our - red brother, and filled him up with the deadly juice of the sour-mash - tree. It has devolved upon us to singe the soft-eyed lad who stole baled - hay from the reservation, and it has also been our glorious privilege to - examine, in a preliminary manner, the absent-minded party who gathered - unto himself the U. S. mule. - </p> - <p> - We have attempted to resign before, but failed. One reason was, that it - was a novel proceeding in Wyoming, and no one seemed to know how to go to - work at it. No one had ever resigned before, and the matter had to be - hunted up and the law thoroughly understood. - </p> - <p> - The office is one of great profit, as we have said before. It brings - wealth into the coffers of the U. S. Commissioner in a way that is well - calculated to turn the head of most people. We have, however, succeeded in - controlling ourself, and have so far suppressed that beastly pride which - wealth engenders. With a salary of $7.25 per annum, and lead pencils, we - have-steadily refused to go to Europe, preferring rather to plod along - here in the wild west, although we may never see the beauties of a foreign - shore. - </p> - <p> - Official duty was at all times weighing upon our mind like a leaden load. - Oft in the stilly night we have been wakened by the oppressing thought - that, perhaps at that moment, on some distant reservation, some pale-faced - villain might be selling valley-tan to the gentle, untutored Indian brave, - and it has tortured us and robbed us of slumber and joy. Now it is a - relief to know that very soon we shall be free from this great - responsibility. If an Indian gets drunk on the reservation, or a - time-honored government mule is stolen, we shall not be expected to get up - in the night and administer swift and terrible justice to the offender. - Old-man-with-a-torpid-liver can go as drunk as he pleases on the - reservation. It does not come under our jurisdiction any more. We can - sleep now nights while some other man peels his coat, and acts as the - United States nemesis for this diocese. - </p> - <p> - Sometime during the ensuing week we will turn over the lead pencil and the - blotting paper of the office to our successor. We leave the Indian - temperance movement in his hands. The United States mule, kleptomaniac - also, we leave with him. With a clear conscience and an unliquidated claim - against the government for $9.55, the earnings of the past two years, we - turn over the office, knowing that although we have sacrificed our health, - we have never evaded our duty, no matter how dangerous or disagreeable. - </p> - <p> - Yet we do not ask for any gold-headed cane as a mark of esteem on the part - of the government. We have a watch that does very well for us, so that a - testimonial consisting of a gold watch, costing $250, would be - unnecessary. Any little trinket of that kind would, of course, show how - ready the department of justice is to appreciate the work of an efficient - officer, but we do not look for it, nor ask it. A thoroughly fumigated and - disinfected conscience is all we want. That is enough for us. Do not call - out the band. Just let us retire from the office quietly and - unostentatiously. As regards the United States Commissionership, we retire - to private life. In the bosom of our family we will forget the turbulent - voyage of official life through which we have passed, and as we monkey - with the children around our hearthstone, we will shut our eyes to the - official suffering that is going on on all around us. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0111" id="link2H_4_0111"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - POISONS AND THEIR ANECDOTES. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>N amateur - scientist sends us a long article written with a purple pencil on both - sides of twelve sheets of legal cap, and entitled "Poisons and Their - Anecdotes." - </p> - <p> - Will the soft-eyed mullet-head please call and get it, also a lick over - the eye with a hot stove leg, and greatly oblige the weary throbbing brain - that, moulds the scientific course of this paper? - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0112" id="link2H_4_0112"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CORRESPONDENCE. - </h2> - <h3> - Cheyenne, September 6, 1882. - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE party, - consisting of Governor Hale and wife, Secretary Morgan and wife, President - Slack, of the "Wyoming Press Association, and wife, Mr. Baird and myself, - started out of Laramie, about 8:30 last evening, and excurted along over - the hill with some hesitation, arriving here this morning at four o'clock. - The engine at first slipped an eccentric on Dale Creek bridge, and we - remained there some time, delayed but happy. Then, as the night wore away - and the gray dawn came down over the broad and mellow sweep of plain to - the eastward, an engine ahead of us on a freight train blew off her - monkey-wrench, and we were delayed in the neighborhood of Hazzard several - more hours. Hazzard is a thriving town on the eastern slope of the - mountains, with glorious possibilities for a town site. With gas and - waterworks and a city debt of $200,000, Hazzard will some day attract - notice from the civilized world. If her vast deposits of sand and alkali - could be brought to the notice of capital, Hazzard would some day take - rank with such cities as Wilcox and Tie City. - </p> - <p> - Still we had a good deal of fun. We heard that Whitelaw Reid, of the New - York was on board, and we sent the porter into the other car after him. - Mr. Reid did not behave as we thought he would at first. We had presumed - that he was cold and distant in his manners, but he is not. As soon as the - first embarrassment of meeting us was over, he sailed right in and did all - the talking himself, just as any cultivated gentleman would. He told us - all about New York politics and how he was fighting the machine, at the - same time, however, casually dropping a remark or two that led us to - conclude that it was only one machine that didn't want another one to win. - He is a tall, rather fine-looking man, with a Grecian nose and long, dark - hair, which he does up in tin foil at night. I told him that I was grieved - to know that his hired man had, inadvertently no doubt, referred to me in - a manner that gave the American people an idea that I was a good deal - bigger man than I really was. I asked him whether he wanted to apologize - then and there or be thrown over Dale Creek bridge into the rip-snorting - torrent below. - </p> - <p> - He said he didn't believe that such a remark had been made, but if it had - he would go home and kill the man who wrote it, if that would poultice up - my wounded heart. I said it would. If he would just mail me the remains of - the man who made the remark, not necessarily for publication, but as a - guarantee of good faith, it would be all right. - </p> - <p> - We talked all night, and incurred the everlasting displeasure of a fat man - from San Francisco, who told the porter he wanted his money back because - he hadn't slept any all night. He seemed mad because we were having a - little harmless conversation among ourselves, and when the clock in the - steeple struck four he rolled over in his berth, gave a large groan and - then got up and dressed. Some people are so morbidly nervous that they - cannot sleep on a train, and they naturally get cross and say - ungentlemanly things. This man said some things while he was dressing and - buttoning his suspenders, that made my blood run cold. A man who has no - better control of his temper than that, ought not to travel at all. He - just simply makes a North American side-show of himself. - </p> - <p> - Cheyenne is very greatly improved since I was here last. The building up - of the corner opposite the Inter Ocean hotel has added greatly to the - attractiveness of the Magic City, and other work is being done which - enhances the beauty of the city very much. F. E. Warren is one of the most - enterprising and thoroughly vigorous western business men I ever knew. He - is an anomaly, I might say. When I say he is an anomaly, I do not mean to - reflect upon him in any way, though I do not know the meaning of the word. - I simply mean that he is the chief grand rustle of a very rustling city. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0113" id="link2H_4_0113"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - WHAT THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY NEEDS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE candidate for - county commissioner, on the Democratic ticket, of Sweetwater county, keeps - a drug store, and when a little girl burned her arm against the cook - stove, and her father went after a package of Russia salve, the genial - Bourbon gave her a box of "Rough on Rats." What the Democratic party - needs, is not so much a new platform, but a carload of assorted brains - that some female seminary had left over. - </p> - <h3> - A LETTER FROM LEADVILLE. - </h3> - <p> - Leadville, Colorado, Sept. 10. - </p> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HIS morning we - rose at 4:30, and rode from Buena Vista to Leadville, arriving at the - Clarendon for breakfast. Our party has been reduced in one way and another - until there are only eight here to-day. Secretary Morgan and family - remained at Buena Vista on account of the illness of Misa Lillie Morgan, - who suffers severely from sea-sickness on the mountain railroads. - </p> - <p> - One thing I have not mentioned, and an incident certainly worthy of note, - was the sudden decision of our president, E. A. Slack, on Friday, to - remain at a little station on the South Parle road, above Como, while the - party continued on to Buena Vista. Mr. Slack is a man of iron will and - sudden impulses, as all who know him are aware. He got in a car at the - station referred to, and under the impression that it belonged to our - train, remained in it till he got impatient about something, and asked a - man who came in with a broom, why we were making such a stop at that - station. The man said that this car had been side-tracked, and the train - had gone sometime ago. - </p> - <p> - Then Mr. Slack made the rash remark that he would remain there until the - next train. He acts readily in an emergency, and he saw at a glance that - the best thing that he could do would be to just stay there, and examine - the country until he could get the next train. He telegraphed us that the - fare was so high on our train that he would see if he couldn't get better - rates on the following day. In the meantime, he struck Superintendent - Egbert's special car, and rode around over the country till morning, while - our party took in Buena Vista. The city is but two years old, but very - thriving, and has 2,500 to 3,000 population. At the depot we were met by - Agent Smith, of the South Park road, who had secured rooms for us at the - Grand Park hotel. He had also arranged for carriages to take us out to - Cottonwood Hot Springs, about six miles up Cottonwood creek, where we took - supper. We found a first-class sixty-four room hotel there, with hot - baths, and everything comfortable and neat. The proprietors are Messrs. - Stafford and Hartenstein—the latter having been a medical student - under Dr. Agnew. After a good-supper we returned to Buena Vista, where the - home military company, under Captain Johnson, led by the Buena Yista band, - serenaded us. I responded in a brief but telling speech, which I would - give here if I had not forgotten what it was. Some of the other members of - the party wanted to make the speech, but I said no, it would not be right. - I was representing the president, Mr. Slack, and wearing his overcoat, and - therefore it would devolve on me to make the grand opening remarks. It was - the greatest effort of my life, and town lots in Buena Vista depreciated - fifty per cent. - </p> - <p> - We found A. D. Butler, formerly of Cheyenne, now at Buena Vista, also Tom - Campbell, well known to Laramie people, doing well at the new city, and a - prospective member of the Colorado legislature. George Marion, formerly of - Laramie, is also at Buena Vista, engaged in the retail bridge trade. We - also met Messrs. Leonard, of the and Kennedy, of the <i>Herald</i>, who - treated us the whitest kind. Mr. Leonard and wife went with us yesterday - over to Gunnison City. Billy Butler, formerly of Laramie, is now at Buena - Vista, successfully engaged in mining. - </p> - <p> - Yesterday we put in the most happy day of the entire trip. Under the very - kind and thoughtful guidance of Superintendent E. Wilbur, of the Gunnison - division of the South Park road, we went over the mountain to Gunnison and - through the wonderful Alpine tunnel, the highest railroad point in the - United States, and with its approaches 2,600 feet long. When you pass - through the tunnel the brakeman makes you close your window and take in - your head. He does this for two reasons: first, you can't see anything if - you look out, and secondly, the company don't like to hire an extra man to - go through the tunnel twice a day and wipe the remains of tourists off the - walls. - </p> - <p> - The newsboy told me that a tourist from Philadelphia once tried to wipe - his nose on the Alpine tunnel, while the train was in motion, and when - they got through into daylight, and his companions told him to take in his - head, he couldn't do it—because it was half a mile behind examining - the formation of the tunnel. Later, it was found that the man was dead. - The passengers said that they noticed a kind of crunching noise while - going through the tunnel that sounded like the smashing of false teeth, - but they paid no attention to it. - </p> - <p> - Mr. Wilbur afterward told me that there had never been a passenger killed - on the road, so I may have been misled by this newsboy. Still, he didn't - look like a boy who would trifle with a man's feelings in that way. - </p> - <p> - However, I will leave the remainder of the Gunnison trip for another - letter, as this is already too long. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0114" id="link2H_4_0114"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - TABLE MANNERS OF CHILDREN. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">Y</span>OUNG children who - have to wait till older people have eaten all there is in the house, - should not open the dining-room door during the meal and ask the host if - he is going to eat all day. It makes the company feel ill at ease, and - lays up wrath in the parents' heart. - </p> - <p> - Children should not appear displeased with the regular courses at dinner, - and then fill up on pie. Eat the less expensive food first, and then - organize a picnic in the preserves afterward. - </p> - <p> - Do not close out the last of your soup by taking the plate in your mouth - and pouring the liquid down your childish neck. You might spill it on your - bosom, and it enlarges and distorts the mouth unnecessarily. - </p> - <p> - When asked what part of the fowl you prefer, do not say you will take the - part that goes over the fence last. This remark is very humorous, but the - rising generation ought to originate some new table jokes that will be - worthy of the age in which we live. - </p> - <p> - Children should early learn the use of the fork, and how to handle it. - This knowledge can be acquired by allowing them to pry up the carpet tacks - with this instrument, and other little exercises, such as the parent mind - may suggest. - </p> - <p> - The child should be taught at once not to wave his bread around over the - table, while in conversation, or to fill his mouth full of potatoes, and - then converse in a rich tone of voice with some one out in the yard. He - might get his dinner down his trochea and cause his parents great anxiety. - </p> - <p> - In picking up a plate or saucer filled with soup or with moist food, the - child should be taught not to parboil his thumb in the contents of the - dish, and to avoid swallowing soup bones or other indigestible debris. - </p> - <p> - Toothpicks are generally the last course, and children should not be - permitted to pick their teeth and kick the table through the other - exercises. While grace is being said at table, children should know that - it is a breach of good breeding to smouge fruit cake just because their - parents' heads are bowed down, and their attention for the moment turned - in another direction. Children ought not to be permitted to find fault - with the dinner, or fool with the cat while they are eating. Boys should, - before going to the table, empty all the frogs and grasshoppers out of - their pockets, or those insects might crawl out during the festivities, - and jump into the gravy. - </p> - <p> - If a fly wades into your jelly up to his gambrels, do not mash him with - your spoon before all the guests, as death is at all times depressing to - those who are at dinner, and retards digestion. Take the fly out - carefully, with what naturally adheres to his person, and wipe him on the - table cloth. It will demonstrate your perfect command of yourself, and - afford much amusement for the company. Do not stand up in your chair and - try to spear a roll with your fork. It is not good manners to do so, and - you might slip and bust your crust, by so doing. Say "thank you," and - "much obliged," and "beg pardon," wherever you can work in these remarks, - as it throws people off their guard, and gives you an opportunity to get - in your work on the pastry and other bric-a-brac near you at the time. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0115" id="link2H_4_0115"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - WHAT IT MEANT. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>HEN Billy Boot was - a little boy, he was of a philosophical and investigating turn of mind, - and wanted to know almost everything. He also desired to know it - immediately. He could not wait for time to develop his intellect, but he - crowded things and wore out the patience of his father, a learned savant, - who was president of a livery stable in Chicago. - </p> - <p> - One day Billy ran across the grand hailing sign, which is generally - represented as a tapeworm in the beak of the American eagle, on which is - inscribed "E Pluribus Unum." Billy, of course, asked his father what "E - Pluribus Unum" meant. He wanted to gather in all the knowledge he could, - so that when he came out west he could associate with some of our best - men. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0016" id="linkimage-0016"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0283.jpg" alt="0283 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0283.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - "I admire your strong appetite for knowledge, Billy," said Mr. Root; "you - have a morbid craving for cold hunks of ancient history and cyclopedia - that does my soul good; and I am glad, too, that you come to your father - to get accurate data for your collection. That is right. Your father will - always lay aside his work at any time and gorge your young mind with - knowledge that will be as useful to you as a farrow cow. 'E Pluri-bus - Unum' is an old Greek inscription that has been handed down from - generation to generation, preserved in brine, and signifies that 'the tail - goes with the hide.'" - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0116" id="link2H_4_0116"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - VOTERS IN UTAH. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HIS is the form of - the oath required of voters in Utah under the new law: - </p> - <p> - Territory of Utah, County of Salt Lake. I —————— - being first duly sworn (or affirmed), depose and say that I am over - twenty-one years of age, and have resided in the territory of Utah for six - months, and in the precinct of ————— one - month immediately preceding the date thereof, and (if a male) am a native - born or naturalized (as the case may be) citizen of the United States and - a tax payer in this territory. (Or, if a female) I am native born, or - naturalized, or the widow or daughter (as the case may be) of a native - born or naturalized citizen of the United States. And I do further - solemnly swear (or affirm) that I am not a bigamist or polygamist; that I - am not a violater of the laws of the United States prohibiting bigamy or - polygamy; that I do not live or cohabit with more than one woman in the - marriage relation, nor does any relation exist between me and any woman - which has been entered into or continued in violation of said laws of the - United States, prohibiting bigamy or polygamy, (and if a woman) that I am - not the wife of a polygamist, nor have I entered into any relation with - any man in violation of the laws of the United States concerning polygamy - or bigamy. - </p> - <p> - Subscribed and sworn to before me this ——— day of - —————, 1882. Registration Officer ————— - Precinct. - </p> - <p> - It will be seen that at the next election some of the brethren and sisters - in Zion will be disfranchised unless they do some pretty tall swearing. - This is a terrible state of affairs, and the whole civilized world will - feel badly to know that some of our people are going to be left out in the - cold, cold world with no voice and no vote just because they have been too - zealous in the wedlock business. - </p> - <p> - Matrimony is a glorious thing, but it can be overdone. A man can become a - victim to the nuptial habit just the same as he can the opium habit. It - then assumes entire control over him, and he has to be chained up or - paralyzed with a club, or he would marry all creation. This law, - therefore, is salutary in its operations. It is intended as a gentle check - on those who have allowed themselves to become matrimony's maniacs. If we - marry one of the daughters of a family, and are happy over it, is that any - reason why we should marry the other daughters and the old lady and the - colored cook? We think not. It is natural for man to acquire railroads and - promissory notes and houses and lands, but he should not undertake to - acquire a corner on the wife trade. - </p> - <p> - Hence we say the law is just and must be permitted to take its course, - even though it may disfranchise many of the most prominent pelicans of the - Mormon church. Matrimony in Utah has been allowed to run riot, as it were. - The cruel and relentless hand of this hydra-headed monster has been laid - upon the youngest and the fairest of the Mormon people. - </p> - <p> - Matrimony has broken out there in a large family in some instances, and - has not even spared the widowed and toothless mother. It generally seeks - its prey among the youngest and fairest, but in Utah it has not spared - even the old and the infirm. Like a cruel epidemic, it has at first raked - in the blooming maidens of Mormondom and at last spotted the lantern jawed - dregs of foreign female emigration. In one community, this great scourge - entered and took all the women under forty-five, and then got into a block - where there were nineteen old women who didn't average a tooth apiece, and - swept them away like a cyclone. - </p> - <p> - People who do not know anything of this great evil, can have no knowledge - of it. Those who have not investigated this question have certainly failed - to look into it. We cannot find out about this question without - ascertaining something of it. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0117" id="link2H_4_0117"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - INCONGRUITY - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>UR attention has - been called recently to an illustration by Hopkins in a work called Forty - Liars, in which a miner is represented as sliding down a mountain in a - gold pan with a handle on it. Mr. Hopkins, no doubt, labors under a wrong - impression of some kind, relative to the gold pan. He seems to consider - the gold pan and the frying pan as synonymous. In this he is wrong. - </p> - <p> - The gold pan is a large low pan without a handle and made of very - different metal from a skillet or frying pan. - </p> - <p> - The artist should study as far as possible to imitate nature and not make - a fool of himself. Some artists consider it funny to represent a farmer - milking a cow on the wrong side. They also show the same farmer, later on, - plowing with a plow that turns the furrow over to the left, another - eccentricity of genius. There are many little things like this that the - artist should look into more closely so as not to bust up the eternal - fitness of things. - </p> - <p> - We presume that Mr Hopkins would represent a gang of miners working a - placer with giant powder and washing out smelting ore in a tin dipper. Its - pretty hard, though, for an artist who never saw a mining camp, to sit and - watch a New York beer tournament and draw pictures of life in a mining - camp, and people ought not to expect too much. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0118" id="link2H_4_0118"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - RIDING DOWN A MOUNTAIN. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">G</span>UNNISON CITY is - one of the peculiarities of a mining boom. It spreads out and slops over - the plain like a huge camp meeting, but without shape or beauty. - </p> - <p> - The plains there are red and sandy; the trees are not nearer than the - foot-hills; and the city, which claims 5,000 inhabitants, though 3,000 - would, no doubt, be more accurate, is composed of a wide area of ground, - with scattering houses that look lonely in the midst of the desolation. - Mining in Colorado, this season, has not advanced with the wonderful - impetus which characterized it in previous years. Wherever you go, you - hear first one reason, and then another, why good mines are not being - worked. There is trouble among the stock-holders; a game of freeze out; - lack of capital to put in proper machinery, or excessive railroad - freights, to pay which virtually paralyzes the reduction of ore owned by - men too poor to erect the expensive works necessary to the realization of - profit from the mines. - </p> - <p> - Returning from Gunnison City, now, you rise at a rate of over 200 feet to - the mile, zig-zagging up the almost perpendicular mountain, near the - summit of which is the Alpine tunnel. As you near the tunnel, there is a - perpendicular and sometimes even a jutting wall above you, hundreds of - feet at your right, while far below you, on your left, is a yellow streak, - which at first you take to be an old mountain trail, but which you soon - discover is the circuitous track over which you have just come. - </p> - <p> - Near here, while the road was being built, a fine span of horses balked on - the grade, and like all balky horses, proceeded to back off the road. The - owner got out of the wagon, and told them they could keep that thing up if - they wanted to, but he could not endorse their policy. They kept backing - off until the wagon went over the brink, and then there was a little - scratching of loose stones, the kaleidoscope of legs and hoofs, a little - rush and rumble, and the world was wealthier by one less balky team. The - owner never went down to see where they went to, or how they lit. He was - afraid they would not survive their injuries, so he did not go down there. - Later, the carrion crows and turkey buzzards indicated where the - refractory team had landed; and deep in the mountain gorge the white bones - lie amid the wreck of a lumber wagon, as monuments of equine folly. - </p> - <p> - On Saturday evening we had the pleasure of riding down the dizzy grade - from Hancock, a distance of eighteen miles, at which time we descended a - mile perpendicularly in a push car, with Superintendent Wilbur as - conductor and engineer. A push car is a plain flat-car, about as big as a - dining-table, with four wheels, and nothing to propel it but gravity, and - nothing to stop it but a sharpened piece of two-by-four scantling. Hancock - is near the Alpine tunnel, at the summit of the mountains, about 11,000 - feet high. Secretary Morgan, Mrs. Morgan, with their little daughter - Gertrude; E. A. Slack, of the <i>Sun</i>, Frank Clark, of the <i>Leader</i>, - Superintendent Wilbur and ourself, constituted the party. - </p> - <p> - At first everybody was a little nervous with the accumulating velocity of - the car, and the yawning abyss below us; but later we got more accustomed - to it, and the solemn grandeur of the green pine-covered canons, the lofty - snow-covered peaks, apparently so near us; and the rushing, foaming - torrent far below us, were all we saw. Like lightning we rounded the sharp - curves where the road seemed to hang over instant destruction, and we held - our breath as we thought that, like Dutch Charlie and other great men, - only a piece of two-by-four scantling stood between us and death. - </p> - <p> - Again and again the abrupt curve loomed up ahead, and below us, while we - flew along the narrow gauge at such a pace that we were almost sure the - car would, leave the track before it would round such a point, and each - time the two-by-four went down on the drive wheel with a pressure that - sent up volumes of blue smoke. - </p> - <p> - It was a wild, grand ride—so wild and grand in fact that even yet we - wake up at night with a start from a dream in which the same party is - riding down that canon at lightning speed, and Mr. Wilbur, in a - thoughtless moment, has dropped his pine brake overboard! - </p> - <p> - Shades of Sam Patch, but wouldn't it scatter the average excurter over - southern Colorado if such a thing should happen some day! Why, the woods - would be full of them, and for years to come, the prospector along Chalk - Creek Canon would find pyrites of editorial poverty, and indications of - collar buttons, and fragments of Archimedean levers, and other mementoes - of the great editorial hegira of 1882. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0119" id="link2H_4_0119"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CORRALED HIM. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">L</span>AST May Sheriff - Boswell received a postal card from a man up near Fort McKinney, - describing a pair of horses that had just been stolen and asking that Mr. - Boswell would keep his eye peeled for the thief and arrest him on sight. - </p> - <p> - Last week the sheriff discovered the identical team with color, brands and - everything to correspond. He told the driver that he would have to turn - over that team and come along to the bastile. The man stoutly protested - his innocence and claimed that he owned the team, but Boswell laughed him - to scorn and said he often got such games of talk as that when he arrested - horse thieves. - </p> - <p> - Just as they were going down into the damp corridors, Judge Blair met the - criminal, recognized him at once and called him by name. It seems that he - was the man who had originally written Boswell, and having found his - horses he had neglected to inform him. Thus, when he came to town four - months afterward, he got snatched. You not only have to call the officer's - attention to a larceny in this country, but it is absolutely necessary - that you call off the sleuth hound of eternal justice when you have found - the property, or you will be gathered in unless you can identify yourself. - Boswell's initials are N. K., and now the boys call him Nemesis K. - Boswell. - </p> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE London <i>Lancet</i> - upsets the popular theory that abundant hair is a sign of bodily or mental - strength. The fact is, it says, that notwithstanding the Samson precedent, - the Chinese, who are the most enduring of all races, are mostly bald; and - as to the supposition that long and thick hair is a sign of - intellectuality, all antiquity, all madhouses and all common observation - are against it. The easily-wheedled Esau was hairy. The mighty Caesar was - bald. Long haired men are generally weak and fanatical, and men with scant - hair are the philosophers, and soldiers, and statesmen, of the world. - Oscar Wilde, Theodore Tilton, and others of the long-haired fraternity, - should read these statements with soulful and heart-yearning delight. - </p> - <p> - Will the editor of the <i>Lancet</i> please step over to the saloon, - opposite the royal palace, and take something at our expense? Pard, we - shake with you. Count us in also. Reckon us along with Cæsar, and Elijah, - and Aristotle, please. Though young, we can show more polished intellect - to the superficial foot than many who have lived longer than we have. - </p> - <p> - Will the editor of the <i>Lancet</i> please put our name on his list of - subscribers and send the bill to us? What we want is a good, live paper - that knows something, and isn't afraid to say it. - </p> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>E were pained to - see a large mule brought into town yesterday with his side worn away until - it looked very thin. It looked as though the pensive mule had laid down to - think over his past life, and being in the company of seven other - able-bodied mules, all of whom were attached to a government freight wagon - going down a mountain, this, particular animal, while wrapped in a brown - study, had been pulled several miles with so much unction, as it were, - that when the train stopped it was found that this large and highly - accomplished mule had worn his side off so thin that you could see his - inmost thoughts. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0120" id="link2H_4_0120"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - FIRMNESS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>HEN we saw him, he - looked as though, if he had his life to live over again, he would select a - different time to ponder over his previous history. Sometimes a mule's - firmness causes his teetotal and everlasting overthrow. - </p> - <p> - Firmness is a good thing in its place, but we should early learn that to - be firm, we need not stand up against a cyclone till our eternal economy - is blown into the tops of the neighboring trees. Moral courage is a good - thing, but it is useless unless you have a liver to go along with it. - Sometimes a man is required to lay down his life for his principles, but - the cases where he is expected to lay down his digester on the altar of - his belief, are comparatively seldom. - </p> - <p> - We may often learn a valuable lesson from the stubborn mule, and guard - against the too protruberant use of our own ideas in opposition to other - powers against which it is useless to contend. It may be wrong for giant - powder to blow the top of a man's head off without cause, but repealed - contests have proved that even when giant powder is in the wrong, it is - eventually victorious. - </p> - <p> - Let us, therefore, while reasonably fixed in our purpose, avoid the - display of a degree of firmness which will scatter us around over two - school districts, and confuse the coroner in his inquest. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0121" id="link2H_4_0121"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - PUT IN A SUMP. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE president of - the North Park and Vandaliar Mining Company not long ago got a letter from - the superintendent which closed by saying that everything was working - splendidly. The ore body was increasing, and the quality and richness of - the rock improving with every foot. He also added that he had constructed - a sump in the mine. - </p> - <p> - The president having spent most of his life in military and political - affairs, had never found it necessary to use a sump, and so he didn't know - to a dead moral certainty what it was that the superintendent had put in. - </p> - <p> - He hoped, however, that the expense would not cripple the company, and - that by handling it carefully, they might escape damage from an explosion - of the sump at an unlooked-for time. - </p> - <p> - He proceeded, however, to examine the unabridged, and found that it meant - a cistern, which is constructed at the bottom of a mine for the purpose of - collecting the water, and from which it is pumped. - </p> - <p> - The president, having posted himself, concluded to go and have a little - conversation with one of the directors, who is a druggist in the city, and - see if he knew the nature of a sump. - </p> - <p> - The president, in answer to the questions of the director relative to the - latest news from the mine, said that it was looking better all the time, - and that the superintendent had constructed a sump. - </p> - <p> - The director never blinked his eye. He acted like a man who has lived on - sumps all his life. - </p> - <p> - "Do you know what a sump is?" asked the president. "Why, of course, - anybody knows what a sump is. It's the place where they collect water from - a mine, and pump it from, to free the mine from water. A man who don't - know what a sump is, don't know his business, that's all I've got to say." - </p> - <p> - The president looked hurt about something. He hadn't looked for the - conversation to assume just exactly the shape that it had. Finally he - said, "Well you needn't point your withering sarcasm at me. I know what a - sump is. I just wanted to see whether a man who had been in the pill - business all his life, knew what a sump was. I knew you claimed to know - almost everything, but I didn't believe you was up on that word. Now, if - it's a proper question, I'd like to know just how long you have been so - all-fired fluent about mining terms." - </p> - <p> - Then the director said that there was no use in putting on airs, and - swelling up with pride over a little thing like that. He, for one, didn't - propose to crow over other men who had not had the advantages that he had, - and he would be frank with the president, and admit that an hour ago he - didn't know the difference between a sump and a certiorari. - </p> - <p> - It seems that a passenger, who had come in on the same coach that brought - in the superintendent's letter, had casually dropped the remark to the - director that Smith had put a sump in the "Endomile," and the director had - lit out for a dictionary without loss of time, so that when the two great - miners got together, they were both proud and confident. Each was proud - because he knew what a sump was, and confident that the other one didn't - know. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0122" id="link2H_4_0122"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - MINING AS A SCIENCE - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE study of mining - as a science is one which brings with it a quiet joy, which the novice - knows nothing of. In Morrison's Mining Eights we find the following: - </p> - <p> - "If all classes of lode deposits are to be regarded as legally identical, - it follows that where a vein is pinched for a considerable distance, it is - lost to the owner; if its apex is found in the slide, it can not be - located as a lode. - </p> - <p> - "The distinction which would relieve these points would be to allow the - dip to such lodes Only as have a <i>perpendicular base</i> and are not on - the nature of <i>stratigraphical deposits!</i> all the inconsistencies - apparent from the previous paragraph are the sequence to any other ruling. - </p> - <p> - "If it be alleged that such holdings are not applicable to fissure veins, - at once a distinction is made between the two classes of veins in their - consideration under the act; and if a single distinction in their legal - status be admitted, no reason can be alleged against further distinctions - with reference to their essential points at difference." - </p> - <p> - How, few who have not toiled over the long and wearisome works upon mining - as a legal branch of human knowledge, would care a cold, dead clam, - whether such lodes as have perpendicular bases, or those which have - stratigraphical deposits, are to be allowed under the law in relation to - pinched out or intersecting veins. - </p> - <p> - But to the student, whose whole life is wrapped up in the investigation of - this beautiful mystery, these logical sequences break upon his mind with a - beautiful effulgence that fills him with unstratified and purely igneous - or nomicaseous joy. - </p> - <p> - Reading farther in the thrilling work, above referred to, we find this - little garland of fragrant literary wood violets: - </p> - <p> - "Another point to be guarded against in the conveyance of a segregated - portion of a claim on a fissure vein, is, that a line drawn at right - angles to the side lines at the surface, and which is intended as the - dividing fine between the part retained and the part sold, may, when - carried vertically downward, cut off the vein on its dip in such a way as - to divide it, for instance, at the surface. It begins 'at the west end of - discovery shaft,' it may leave the bottom of such shaft entirely in the - west fraction of the lode within a comparatively few feet of sinking. Such - result, or a similar result, will invariably occur where the vein has a - dip, unless the end lines are at an exact right angle to the strike of the - vein." - </p> - <p> - Now, however, supposing that, for the sake of argument, the above be true; - but, in addition thereto, a segregation of non-metallic vertically - heterogeneous quartzite in non-conformity to presupposed notions of - horizontal deposits of mineral in place should be agatized and truncated - with diverging lines meeting at the point of intersection and disappearing - with the pinched veins or departing from known proximity in company with - the dividends, we have then to consider whether a winze coming in at this - juncture and pinching out the assessments, would thereby invalidate - tertiary flux, and thereby, in the light of a close legal examination of - the slide, bar out the placer or riparian rights of contesting parties, - or, if so, why in thunder should it not, or at least, what could be done - about it in case the same or a totally different set of surrounding - circumstances should or should not take place? - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0123" id="link2H_4_0123"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - DRAWBACKS OF ROYALTY. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>T seems from our - late dispatches that the prevailing assassin has made his appearance in - England, and has fired at Her Royal Tallness, the Queen. The dispatch does - not say why the man fired at Victoria, but the chances are that she at - some time in a careless moment refused him the appointment of Book-keeper - to the Queen's Livery Stable Extraordinary, or neglected to confirm his - nomination to the position as Usher Plenipotentiary to the Royal Bath Room - and Knight of the Queen's Cuspidor. - </p> - <p> - Royalty gets it in the nose every day or two, and yet after the family has - hung onto the salary for several centuries it does not occur to the - average king that he could strike a job as humorist on some London paper, - at about the same salary and with none of the annoyances. The most of - those people who have worn a great, heavy cast iron crown, with diamonds - on it as big as a peanut, have become so attached to it that they can't - swear off in a moment. - </p> - <p> - We do not see where the orchestra comes in on a thing like that. The - average American would rather sell mining stock, and get wealthy without a - tail on his name and his hair all worn off with a crown two sizes too - large for him, than to be King of the Cannibal Islands with a missionary - baby on toast twice a day. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0124" id="link2H_4_0124"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ENGLISH HUMOR - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE London <i>Spectator</i> - says that "the humor of the United States, if closely examined, will be - found to depend in a great measure on the ascendancy which the principle - of utility has gained over the imaginations of a rather imaginative - people." The humor of England, if closely examined, will be found just - about ready to drop over the picket fence into the arena, but never quite - making connections. If we scan the English literary horizon, we will find - the humorist up a tall tree, depending from a sharp knot thereof by the - slack of his overalls. He is just out of sight at the time you look in - that direction. He always has a man working in his place, however. The man - who works in his place is just paring down the half sole, and newly - pegging a joke, that has recently been sent in by the foreman for repairs. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0125" id="link2H_4_0125"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ABOUT THE AUTOPSY. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>E have been - carefully reading and investigating the report of Dr. Lamb, relative to - the anatomical condition of the late remnants of Charles J. Gluiteau, and - also a partial or minority report furnished by the other two doctors, who - got on their ear at the time of the autopsy. We are permitted to print the - fragment of a private letter addressed personally to the editor from one - of these gentlemen, whose name we are not permitted to use. He says: - </p> - <p> - "We found the late lamented, and after looking him over thoroughly, and - removing what works he had inside of him, agreed, almost at once, that he - was dead. This was the only point upon which we agreed. - </p> - <p> - "Shortly after we began to remove the internal economy of the deceased, - some little discussion arose between Doc Lamb and myself about the - extravasation of blood in the right pectoralis and the peculiar position - of the dewflicker on the dome of the diaphragm. I made a suggestion about - the causes that had led to this, stating, in my opinion, the pericarditis - had crossed the median line and congested the dewdad. - </p> - <p> - "He said it was no such thing, and that I didn't know the difference - between a malpighian capsule and an abdominal viscera. - </p> - <p> - "That insulted me, but I held my temper, going on with my work, removing - the gall-bladder and other things, as though nothing had been said. - </p> - <p> - "By and by, Lamb said I'd better quit fooling with the pancreas, and come - and help him. Then he advanced a tom-fool theory about an adhesion of the - dura mater to the jib-boom, or some medical rot or other, and I told him - that I thought he was wrong, and I didn't believe deceased had any dura - mater. Lamb flared up then, and struck at me with a bloody towel. I then - grabbed a fragment of liver, and pasted him in the nose. I don't allow any - sawbone upstart to impose on me, if I know it. He then called me a very - opprobrious epithet, indeed, and struck me in the eye with a kidney. Then - the fight became disgraceful, and by the time we got through, the late - lamented was considerably scattered. Here lay a second-hand lobe of liver, - while over there was the apex of a lung hanging on a gas fixture. It was a - pretty lively scrimmage, and made quite a feeling between us. I still - think, however, that I was right in standing up for my theory, and when an - old pelican like Lamb thinks he can scare me into St. Vitus' dance, he - fools himself. The fact is, he don't know a gall-bladder from the gout, - and he couldn't tell a lobulated tumor from the side of a house. I told - him so, too, while I was putting some court plaster on my nose, after he - pasted me with an old prison bedstead. Lamb would get along better with me - if he would curb his violent temper. I guess he thought so, too, when I - broke his false teeth and jammed them so far back into his oesophagus that - he got blue in the face. I never allow a secondhand horse doctor to impose - on me, if I know it, and it is time Doc Lamb took a grand aborescent - tumble to himself." - </p> - <h3> - A FEW CALM WORDS. - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> LONDON paper - tells how when a certain Dean of Chester was all ready to perform a - marriage between persons of high standing, the bride was very late. When - she reached the altar, to the question, "Wilt thou take this man?" she - replied in most distinct tones, "I will not." On retiring with the Dean to - the vestry, she explained that her late arrival was not her fault, and - that the bridegroom had accosted her on her arrival at the church with, "G—d - d——n you, if this is the way you begin you'll find it to to - your cost when you're my wife." - </p> - <p> - That was no way to open up a honeymoon. They are not doing that way - recently, and in the bon ton and dishabille select and etcetera society of - the more metropolitan cities, such a remark would at once be considered as - outre and Corpus Christi. - </p> - <p> - The groom should stop and consider that sometimes the most annoying - accidents occur to a young lady in dressing. Suppose for instance that in - stooping over to button her shoe she breaks a spoke in her corset and has - to send it to the blacksmith shop, do you think that the groom is - justified in kicking over the altar and dragging his affianced up the - aisle by the hair of the head? We would rather suggest that he would not. - There are other distressing accidents which may happen at such a time to - the prospective bride, but we forbear to enter into the harrowing details. - No man with the finer feelings of a gentleman will ever knock his new wife - down in the church and tramp on her, until he knows to a reasonable degree - of certainty that he is right. It may be annoying, of course, to the groom - to stand and look out of the window for half an hour while the bride is - allaying the hemorrhage of a pimple on her nose with a powder puff, but - then, great hemlock! if a man can't endure that and smile, how will he - behave when the clothesline falls down and the baby gets a kernel of corn - up its nose? - </p> - <p> - These are questions which naturally occur to the candid and thinking mind - and command our attention. The groom who would swear at his wife for being - a few minutes late at the altar, would kill her and throw her stiffened - remains over into the sheep corral if she allowed the twins to eat - crackers in his bed and scatter the crumbs over his couch. - </p> - <p> - Let us look these matters calmly in the face, and not allow ourselves to - drift away into space. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0126" id="link2H_4_0126"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - DON'T LIKE OUR STYLE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span> SCAR WILDE closes - his remarks about America thus: "But it is in the decay of manners that - the thoughtful and well-bred American has cause for regret. I have - repeatedly said this, but I am told in reply: 'We are still a young - country, and you must not be too severe upon us.' 'Yes,' I answer, 'but - when your country was still younger, it's manners were better. They have - never been equal since to what they were in Washington's time, a man whose - manners were irreproachable. I believe a most serious problem for the - American people to consider, is the cultivation of better manners among - its people. It is the most noticeable, the most painful defect in American - civilization." Yes, Oscar, you are, in a measure, correct. Our manners are - a little decayed. So also were the eggs with which you were greeted in - some of our cities. That may have given you a wrong impression as to our - manners and their state of health. We just want to straighten out any - little error of judgment on your part as to American customs, and to - impress upon your mind the fact that the decayed article which, in most - cases you considered our miasma-impregnated etiquette, was what is known - among savants as decayed cabbage. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0127" id="link2H_4_0127"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - MR. T. WILSON. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE gentleman above - referred to has accomplished one of the most remarkable feats known to - modern science. Though uneducated, and perhaps inexperienced, he has - attracted toward himself the notice of the world. - </p> - <p> - Though he was once a poor boy, unnoticed and unknown, he has risen to the - proud eminence from which, with pride, and covered with glory and sore - places, he may survey the civilized world. He entered upon an argument - with Mr. Sullivan, knowing the mental strength and powers of his - adversary, and yet he never flinched. He stood up before his powerful - antagonist, and acquired a national reputation, and a large octagonal - breadth of black and blue intellect, which are the envy and admiration of - 50,000,000 people. - </p> - <p> - This should be a convincing argument to our growing youth of the - possibilities in store for the earnest, untiring and enthusiastic thumper. - It is an example of the wonderful triumph of mind over matter. It shows - how certain intellectual developments may be acquired almost - instantaneously. It demonstrates at once that phrenological protuberances - may be grown more rapidly and more spontaneously than the scientist has - ever been willing to admit. - </p> - <p> - A few weeks ago, Tug Wilson was as obscure as the greenback party. Now he - is known from ocean to ocean, and his fame is as universal as is that of - Dr. Tanner, the starvation prima donna of the world. Few men have the - intellectual stamina to withstand the strain of such an argument as he - did, but he left the arena with a collection of knobs and arnica - clustering around his brow, which he justly merited, and the world will - not grudge him this meagre acquisition. It was due to his own exertions - and his own prowess, and there is no American so mean as to wrest it from - him. - </p> - <p> - Thousands of our own boys, who to-day are spearing frogs, or bathing in - the rivers of their native land and parading on the shingly beach with no - clothes on to speak of, are left to choose between such a career of - usefulness and greatness of brow, and the hum-drum life of a bilious - student and pale, sad congressman. Will you rise to the proud pinnacle of - fame as a pugilist, boys, or will you plug along as a sorrowing, - overworked statesman? Now, in the spring-time of your lives, choose - between the two, and abide the consequences. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0128" id="link2H_4_0128"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - ETIQUETTE OF THE NAPKIN - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>T has been stated, - and very truly too, that the law of the napkin is but vaguely understood - It may be said, however, on the start, that custom and good breeding have - uttered the decree that it is in poor taste to put the napkin in the - pocket and carry it away. - </p> - <p> - The rule of etiquette is becoming more and more thoroughly established, - that the napkin should be left at the house of the host or hostess, after - dinner. - </p> - <p> - There has been a good deal of discussion, also, upon the matter of folding - the napkin after dinner, and whether it should be so disposed of, or - negligently tossed into the gravy boat. If, however, it can be folded - easily, and without attracting too much attention and prolonging the - session for several hours, it should be so arranged, and placed beside the - plate, where it may be easily found by the hostess, and returned to her - neighbor from whom she borrowed it for the occasion. If, however, the lady - of the house is not doing her own work, the napkin may be carefully jammed - into a globular wad, and fired under the table, to convey the idea of - utter recklessness and pampered abandon. - </p> - <p> - The use of the finger bowl is also a subject of much importance to the bon - ton guest who gorges himself at the expense of his friends. - </p> - <p> - The custom of drinking out of the finger bowl, though not entirely - obsolete, has been limited to the extent that good breeding does not now - permit the guest to quaff the water from his finger howl, unless he does - so prior to using it as a finger bowl. - </p> - <p> - Thus it will be seen that social customs are slowly but surely cutting - down and circumscribing the rights and privileges of the masses. - </p> - <p> - At the court of Eugenie, the customs of the table were very rigid, and the - most prominent guest of H. R. H. was liable to get the G. B. if he spread - his napkin on his lap, and cut his egg in two with a carving knife. The - custom was that the napkin should be hung on one knee, and the egg busted - at the big end and scooped out with a spoon. - </p> - <p> - A prominent American, at her table, one day, in an unguarded moment, - shattered the shell of a soft-boiled egg with his knife, and, while prying - it apart, both thumbs were erroneously jammed into the true inwardness of - the fruit with so much momentum that the juice took him in the eye, thus - blinding him and maddening him to such a degree, that he got up and threw - the remnants into the bosom of the hired man plenipotentiary, who stood - near the table, scratching his ear with a tray. As may readily be - supposed, there was a painful interim during which it was hard to tell for - five or six minutes whether the prominent American or the hired man would - come out on top; but at last the American, with the egg in his eye, got - the ear of the high-priced hired man in among his back teeth, and the - honor of our beloved flag was vindicated. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0129" id="link2H_4_0129"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - AN INFERNAL MACHINE. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> SINGULAR thing - occurred in England the other day, and in view of its truth, and also in - order that the American side of the affair may be shown in the correct - light, we give the facts as they occurred, having obtained our information - directly from the parties who were implicated in the affair. We hesitate - to take hold of the subject, but our duty to the American people demands - some action, and we do not falter. - </p> - <p> - During the past winter there arrived in London a suspicious-looking - metallic box, with a peculiar thumb-screw or button on the top. It was - sent by mail, and was addressed to a prominent land owner. This gentleman - had been on the watch for some explosive machine for some time, and when - it was brought to him, he at once turned it over to the authorities for - investigation. The police force, detective force and chemists were called - in, and requested to ascertain the nature of the infernal machine, and, if - possible, where it came from. - </p> - <p> - Experts examined the box, and, with the aid of a cord attached to the - suspicious button on top, pulled open the metallic box without explosion. - The substance contained therein, was of a dark color, with a strong smell - of ammonia. All kinds of tests were made by the experts, in order to - ascertain of what kind of combustible it was composed. The odor was - carefully noted, as well as the taste, and then there was a careful - chemical analysis made, which was barren of result. In the midst of the - general alarm, the London papers, with large scare-heads and astonishers, - gave full and elaborate reports of the attempt upon the life of a - prominent man, through the agency of a new and very peculiar machine, - loaded with an explosive, of which scientists could gain no knowledge or - information whatever. - </p> - <p> - It looked as though the assassin was far in advance of science, or at - least of professional chemists, and the matter was about to be given up in - despair, when the following letter arrived from San Antonio, Texas, United - States of America: - </p> - <p> - "My Dear Sir:—I sent you by a recent mail, prepaid, a small metallic - box of bat guano, from the caves of Texas, for analysis and experiment. - Please acknowledge receipt of saine. - </p> - <p> - "Morton Frewen." - </p> - <p> - Then the experts went home. They felt as though science had done all it - could in this case, and they needed rest, and perfect calm, and change of - scene. They hadn't seen their families for some time, and they wanted to - go home and get acquainted with their wives. They didn't ask for any pay - for their services. They just said it was in the interest of science, and - they couldn't have the heart to charge anything for it. One chemist - started off without his umbrella, and never went back after it. - </p> - <p> - When he got home he was troubled with nausea, and they had to feed him on - cracker toast for several weeks. - </p> - <p> - We tell this incident simply to vindicate America. The London papers did - not give all the proceedings, and we feel it our duty to place the United - States upon a square footing with England in this matter. Of course it is - a little tough on the experts, but when we know our duty to our - magnificent country and the land that gave us birth, there is no earthly - power we fear, no terrestrial snoozer who can deter us from its - performance. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0130" id="link2H_4_0130"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THE CODFISH. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HIS tropical bird - very seldom wings his way so far west as Wyoming. He loves the sea breezes - and humid atmosphere of the Atlantic ocean, and when isolated in this - mountain clime, pines for his native home. - </p> - <p> - The codfish cannot sing, but is prized for his beautiful plumage and - seductive odor. - </p> - <p> - The codfish of commerce is devoid of digestive apparatus, and is more or - less permeated with salt. - </p> - <p> - Codfish on toast is not as expensive as quail on toast. - </p> - <p> - The codfish ball is made of the shattered remains of the adult codfish, - mixed with the tropical Irish potato of commerce. - </p> - <p> - The codfish has a great wealth of glad, unfettered smile. When he laughs - at anything, he has that same wide waste of mirth and back teeth that Mr. - Talmage has. The Wyoming codfish is generally dead. Death, in most cases, - is the result of exposure and loss of appetite. No one can look at the - codfish of commerce, and not shed a tear. Far from home, with his system - filled with salt, while his internal economy is gone, there is an air of - sadness and homesickness and briny hopelessness about him that no one can - see unmoved. - </p> - <p> - It is in our home life, however, that the codfish makes himself felt and - remembered. When he enters our household, we feel his all pervading - presence, like the perfume of wood violets, or the seductive odor of a - dead mouse in the piano. - </p> - <p> - Friends may visit us and go away, to be forgotten with the advent of a new - face; but the cold, calm, silent corpse of the codfish cannot be - forgotten. Its chastened influence permeates the entire ranch. It steals - into the parlor, like an unbidden guest, and flavors the costly curtains - and the high-priced lambrequins. It enters the dark closet and dallies - lovingly with your swallowtail coat. It goes into your sleeping apartment, - and makes its home in your glove box and your handkerchief case. - </p> - <p> - That is why we say that it is a solemn thing to take the life of a - codfish. We would not do it. We would pass him by, a thousand times, no - matter how ferocious he might be, rather than take his life, and have our - once happy home haunted forever by his unholy presence. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0131" id="link2H_4_0131"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - HIS AGED MOTHER. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>N exchange says - that "the James boys had a morose and ugly disposition." This may be - regarded as authentic. The James boys were not only morose, but they were - at times irritable and even boorish. Some of their acts would seem to - savor of the most coarse and rude of impulses. Jesse James at different - times killed over fifty men. This would show that his disposition must - have been soured by some great sorrow. A person who fills the New - Jerusalem with people, or kills a majority of the republican voters of a - precinct, or the entire board of directors of a national bank, or who - remorselessly kills all the first-class passengers on a through train, - just because he feels crochety and disagreeable, must be morose and sullen - in his disposition. No man, who is healthy and full of animal spirits, - could massacre the ablebodied voters of a whole village, unless he felt - cross and taciturn naturally. - </p> - <p> - There should have been a post mortem examination of Mr. James to determine - what was the matter with him. We were in favor of a post mortem - examination of Mr. James twelve years ago, but there seemed to be a - feeling of reluctance on the part of the authorities about holding it. No - one seemed to doubt the propriety of such a movement, but there was a kind - of vague hesitation by the proper officials on account of his mother. - There has been a vast amount of thoughtfulness manifested by the Missouri - people on behalf of Jesse's mother. For nearly twenty years they have put - off the post mortem examination of Mr. James, because they knew that his - mother would feel wretched and gloomy when she saw her son with his vitals - in one market basket, and his vertebræ in another. The American people - hate like sin to step in between a mother and her child, and create - unpleasant sensations. - </p> - <p> - Mr. Pinkerton was the most considerate. At first he said he would hold an - autopsy on Mr. James right away, but it consumed so much time holding - autopsies on his detectives, that he postponed Jesse's post mortem for a - long time. He also hoped that after the lapse of years, may be, Mr. James - would become enfeebled so that he could steal up behind him, some night, - and stun him with a Chicago pie; but Jesse seemed vigorous, up to a late - date, and out of respect for his aged mother, the Chicago sleuth hounds of - justice have spared him. - </p> - <p> - Detectives are sometimes considered hardhearted and unloving in their - natures, but this is not the case. Very few of them can bear to witness - the shedding of blood, especially their own blood. Sometimes they find it - necessary to kill a man in order to restore peace to the country, but they - very rarely kill a man like James. This is partly due to the fact that - they hate to cut a man like that right down, before he has a chance to - repent. They are prone to give him probation, and yet another chance to - turn. Still, there are lots of mean, harsh, unthinking people who do not - give the detectives credit for this. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0132" id="link2H_4_0132"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - BUSINESS LETTERS. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>LL business - letters, as a rule, demand some kind of an answer, especially those - containing money. To neglect the reply to a letter is an insult, unless - the letter failed to contain a stamp. In your reply, first acknowledge the - receipt of the letter, then the receipt of the money, whatever it is. - </p> - <p> - Letters asking for money or the payment of a bill, may be postponed from - time to time if necessary. No man should reply to such a letter while - angry. If the amount is small and you are moderately hot, wait two days. - If the sum is quite large and you are tempted to write an insulting - letter, wait two weeks, or until you have thoroughly cooled down. - </p> - <p> - Business letters should be written on plain, neat paper, with your name - and business neatly printed at the top by the Boomekang job printer. - </p> - <p> - Letters from railroad companies referring to important improvements, etc., - etc., should contain pass, not for publication, but as a guarantee of good - faith. - </p> - <p> - Neat and beautiful penmanship is very desirable in business - correspondence, but it is most important that you should not spell God - with a little g or codfish with a k. Ornamental penmanship is good, but it - will not take the cuss off if you don't know how to spell. - </p> - <p> - Read your letter over carefully after you have written it, if you can; if - not, send it with an apology about the rush of business. - </p> - <p> - In ordering goods, state whether you will remit soon or whether the - account should be placed in the refrigerator. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0133" id="link2H_4_0133"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - DANGER OF GARDENING. - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> COLORADO book - agent writes us about as follows: "For some time past it has been my - desire to insure my life for the benefit of my family, but I knew the - public sentiment so well that I feared it could not be done. I knew that - there was a deep and bitter enmity against book agents, which I found had - pervaded the insurance world to such an extent that I would be unable to - obtain insurance at a reasonable premium. - </p> - <p> - "The popular belief is that book agents are shot on sight and their - mangled bodies thrown into the tall grass or fed to the coyotes. - </p> - <p> - "I found, however, that I could get my life insured for two thousand - dollars by paying a premium of twelve dollars per year, as a book agent. - This was far better than anything I had ever looked for. The question - arose as to whether I worked in my garden or not, and I was forced to - admit that I did. It ought to reduce the premium if a man works in his - garden, and thus, by short periods of vigorous exercise, prolongs his - life, but it don't seem to be that way. They charged me an additional - three dollars on the premium, because I toiled a little among my pet - rutabagas. - </p> - <p> - "I don't know what the theory is about this matter. Perhaps the company - labors under the impression that a thousand-legged worm might crawl into - my ear and kill me, or a purple-top turnip might explode and knock my - brains out. - </p> - <p> - "Of course, in the midst of life we are in death, but I always used to - think I was safer mashing my squash-bugs and hoeing my blue-eyed beans - than when I was on the road, dodging bulldogs and selling books. - </p> - <p> - "Perhaps some amateur gardener, in a careless moment, at some time or - other, has been stabbed in the diaphragm by a murderous radish, or a - watermelon may have stolen up to some man, in years gone by, and brained - him with part of a picket fence. There must be statistics somewhere by - which the insurance companies have arrived at this high rate on gardeners. - If you know anything of this matter, I wish you would write me, for if - hoeing sweet corn and cultivating string beans is going to sock me into an - early grave I want to know it." - </p> - <div style="height: 6em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Baled Hay, by Bill Nye - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BALED HAY *** - -***** This file should be named 50699-h.htm or 50699-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/0/6/9/50699/ - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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