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| committer | nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org> | 2025-02-05 00:39:38 -0800 |
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diff --git a/old/50331-h/50331-h.htm b/old/50331-h/50331-h.htm deleted file mode 100644 index 0e9fe19..0000000 --- a/old/50331-h/50331-h.htm +++ /dev/null @@ -1,5759 +0,0 @@ -<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" - "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> -<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> - <head> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> - <title> - The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Honeymoon, by Arnold Bennett. - </title> - <link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> - <style type="text/css"> - -body { - margin-left: 10%; - margin-right: 10%; -} - - h1,h2,h3 { - text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ - clear: both; -} - -p { - margin-top: .51em; - text-align: justify; - margin-bottom: .49em; -} - -.p2 {margin-top: 2em;} -.p4 {margin-top: 4em;} -.p6 {margin-top: 6em;} - -/* Easy Epub/HRs */ - -hr { - width: 33%; - margin-top: 2em; - margin-bottom: 2em; - margin-left: 33.5%; - margin-right: 33.5%; - clear: both; -} - -hr.tb {width: 45%; margin-left: 22.5%; margin-right: 22.5%;} -hr.chap {width: 65%; margin-left: 17.5%; margin-right: 17.5%;} - -ul { list-style-type: none; display: inline-block;} -li {text-align: left;} - -/* Case Study: Tables */ - -table { - margin-left: auto; - margin-right: auto; - text-align: left; - display: inline-block; -} - -caption {font-weight: bold;} - -.pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ - /* visibility: hidden; */ - position: absolute; - left: 92%; - font-size: smaller; - text-align: right; -} /* page numbers */ - -.hangindent { - text-indent: -2em; - margin-left: 10%; - margin-right: 10%; -} - -.bbox {border: solid thin; margin: .2em;} - -.center {text-align: center;} - -.smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} - -/* Transcriber's notes */ -#transnote {background-color: #E6E6FA; - color: black; - font-size: smaller; - padding: 0.5em; - margin-bottom: 5em; - font-family: Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", serif} - -/* Easy Epub/Headings */ - -.ph1, .ph2, .ph3 { text-align: center; text-indent: 0em; font-weight: bold; } -.ph1 { font-size: xx-large; margin: .67em auto; } -.ph2 { font-size: x-large; margin: .75em auto; } -.ph3 { font-size: large; margin: .83em auto; } - -.large {font-size: large;} -.xlarge {font-size: x-large;} - -div#titlepage { - text-align: center; - page-break-before: always; - page-break-after: always; -} -div#titlepage p { - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; - font-weight: bold; - line-height: 1.5; - margin-top: 3em; -} - -div.chapter {page-break-before: always;} - -/* Case Study: Title Pages */ - -div#halftitle -{ - text-align: center; - page-break-before: always; - page-break-after: always; -} -@media screen -{ - #halftitle - { - margin: 6em 0; - } -} -@media print, handheld -{ - #halftitle - { - page-break-before: always; - page-break-after: always; - margin: 0; - padding-top: 6em; - } -} - -/* Easy Epub/Cover */ - -.covercaption {font-weight: bold; font-size: small;} -@media handheld { - .covercaption { display: none; } -} - -div.tnotes {background-color: #eeeeee; border: 1px solid black; padding: 1em;} -.covernote {visibility: hidden; display: none;} -@media handheld { - .covernote {visibility: visible; display: block;} -} - -.directline { - position: absolute; - right: 11%; - width: 45%; - margin-left: 1em; - float: right; - text-align: right; -} - - </style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Honeymoon, by Arnold Bennett - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: The Honeymoon - A comedy in three acts - -Author: Arnold Bennett - -Release Date: October 28, 2015 [EBook #50331] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HONEYMOON *** - - - - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, Clarity and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) - - - - - - -</pre> - -<div class="tnotes covernote"> - <p>The cover image was created by the transcriber and is placed in the public domain.</p> -</div> -<div id="halftitle"> -<p class="ph1">THE HONEYMOON</p> -</div> - -<p class="ph2">WORKS BY ARNOLD BENNETT</p> - -<div class="center"> -<p class="ph3">NOVELS</p> - - -<ul><li><span class="smcap">A Man from the North</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Anna of the Five Towns</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Leonora</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">A Great Man</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Sacred and Profane Love</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Whom God hath Joined</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Buried Alive</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Old Wives' Tale</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Glimpse</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Helen with the High Hand</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Clayhanger</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Card</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Hilda Lessways</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Regent</span></li> -</ul> - - -<p class="ph3">FANTASIAS</p> - - -<ul><li><span class="smcap">The Grand Babylon Hotel</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Gates of Wrath</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Teresa of Watling Street</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Loot of Cities</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Hugo</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Ghost</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The City of Pleasure</span></li> -</ul> - - -<p class="ph3">SHORT STORIES</p> - - -<ul><li><span class="smcap">Tales of the Five Towns</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Grim Smile of the Five Towns</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Matador of the Five Towns</span></li> -</ul> - - -<p class="ph3">BELLES-LETTRES</p> - - -<ul><li><span class="smcap">Journalism for Women</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Fame and Fiction</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">How to become an Author</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Truth about an Author</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Reasonable Life</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">How to Live on Twenty-Four Hours a Day</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Human Machine</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Literary Taste</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Feast of St. Friend</span></li> -</ul> - - -<p class="ph3">DRAMA</p> - - -<ul><li><span class="smcap">Polite Farces</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Cupid and Common Sense</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">What the Public Wants</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Honeymoon</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Great Adventure</span></li> -</ul> - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p class="ph3">(In Collaboration with <span class="smcap">Eden Phillpotts</span>)</p> - - -<ul><li><span class="smcap">The Sinews of War: A Romance</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Statue: A Romance</span></li> -</ul> - - -<p class="ph3">(In Collaboration with <span class="smcap">Edward Knoblauch</span>)</p> - - -<ul><li><span class="smcap">Milestones</span></li> -</ul> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> -<div id="titlepage"> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - - -<h1>THE HONEYMOON<br /> - -<span class="large">A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS</span></h1> - - -<p class="p2">BY</p> - -<p class="xlarge">ARNOLD BENNETT</p> - -<p class="p6">THIRD EDITION</p> - -<p class="large p6">METHUEN & CO. LTD.<br /> -36 ESSEX STREET W.C.<br /> -LONDON -</p> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span></p> - -<div class="center p6 "> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Colophon"> - <tr> - <td><i>First Published</i></td> - <td><i>October 5th 1911</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><i>Second Edition</i></td> - <td><i>January 5th 1912</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><i>Third Edition</i></td> - <td><i>1914</i></td> - </tr> -</table><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> -<h2>CONTENTS</h2> -<div class="center"> -<ul><li><a href="#CHARACTERS">CHARACTERS</a></li> -<li><a href="#CAST_OF_THE_PLAY">CAST OF THE PLAY</a></li> -<li><a href="#NOTES_ON_CHARACTERS_IN">NOTES ON CHARACTERS IN ACT I</a></li> -<li><a href="#ACT_I">ACT I.</a></li> -<li><a href="#NOTES_ON_CHARACTERS_IN2">NOTES ON CHARACTERS IN ACT II</a></li> -<li><a href="#ACT_II">ACT II.</a></li> -<li><a href="#ACT_III">ACT III.</a></li> -<li><a href="#ARNOLD_BENNETT">ARNOLD BENNETT</a></li> -<li><a href="#TRANSCRIBERS_NOTES">TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES</a></li> -</ul> -</div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2><a name="CHARACTERS" id="CHARACTERS">CHARACTERS</a></h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="CHARACTERS"> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Flora Lloyd</span></td> - <td><i>Widow, aged 28.</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Mrs. Reach Haslam</span></td> - <td><i>A Novelist, aged 56.</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Mr. Reach Haslam</span></td> - <td><i>Her Husband, aged 58.</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Cedric Haslam</span></td> - <td><i>Their eldest Son, aged 32.</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Charles Haslam</span></td> - <td><i>Their second Son, aged 22.</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">The Bishop of Chelmsford</span></td> - <td><i>Aged 55.</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Mr. Frampington</span></td> - <td><i>Aged 30.</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Gaston</span></td> - <td><i>A Swiss Waiter, aged 23.</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Cuthbert</span></td> - <td><i>Mrs. Reach Haslam's Butler.</i></td> - </tr> -</table><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2><a name="CAST_OF_THE_PLAY" id="CAST_OF_THE_PLAY">CAST OF THE PLAY</a></h2> - - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="CAST OF THE PLAY"> -<caption><span class="smcap">as produced under the direction of Mr. Dion -Boucicault at the Royalty Theatre, -London, 6th Oct., 1911.</span> -</caption> - - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Flora Lloyd</span></td> - <td><span class="smcap">Miss</span> MARIE TEMPEST.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Mrs. Reach Haslam</span></td> - <td><span class="smcap">Miss</span> KATE SERJEANTSON.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Mr. Reach Haslam</span></td> - <td><span class="smcap">Mr.</span> DION BOUCICAULT.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Cedric Haslam</span></td> - <td><span class="smcap">Mr.</span> GRAHAM BROWNE.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Charles Haslam</span></td> - <td><span class="smcap">Mr.</span> BASIL HALLAM.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Bishop of Chelmsford</span></td> - <td><span class="smcap">Mr.</span> BERTE THOMAS.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Mr. Frampington</span></td> - <td><span class="smcap">Mr.</span> DENNIS EADIE.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Gaston</span></td> - <td><span class="smcap">Mr.</span> CECIL ROSE.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Cuthbert</span></td> - <td><span class="smcap">Mr.</span> HORTON COOPER.</td> - </tr> -</table><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></div> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2><a name="NOTES_ON_CHARACTERS_IN" id="NOTES_ON_CHARACTERS_IN">NOTES ON CHARACTERS IN -ACT I</a></h2> - - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora Lloyd.</span> Beautiful. Elegant. Charming. All -in the highest degree possible. The whole play -turns on these qualities in her.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric Haslam.</span> Renowned aviator. The taciturn -inventive Englishman. Very self-controlled, but -capable of passionate moments. Obstinate, with -enormous force of character. His movements, -gestures, and speech have a certain air of slow -indolence, but are at the same time marked by that -masculine harshness and brusqueness which would -specially appeal to a woman like Flora. No one -could guess from his demeanour that he is famous.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles Haslam.</span> Boyish. Impulsive. Very self-centred. -But very agreeable.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Reach Haslam.</span> Majestic. Richly dressed. -The foremost woman-novelist in England and -America. Her name a household word. No sense -of humour. But she is very, very far from being a -fool, and the part is not a low-comedy part. This -play shows the least sympathetic side of her.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Reach Haslam.</span> The husband of a celebrity. -Strong sense of sardonic humour, which has very -little outlet. Always exceedingly polite and even -deferential to his wife, yet preserving his own dignity. -A prim, dry, precise man.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> There are scores of Gastons in the hotels and -restaurants of the West End. He does not differ -from the type.</p></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span></p> - -<p class="p4">The Acting Rights of this Play are reserved. Applications -for permission to perform should be made to -Messrs. <span class="smcap">J. B. Pinker & Son</span>, Talbot House, Arundel -Street, Strand, London, W.C. 2, from whom all particulars -as to terms may be obtained.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p class="ph1 p6">THE HONEYMOON -</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2><a name="ACT_I" id="ACT_I">ACT I.</a></h2> - -<p><i>A sitting-room in the only hotel at a small seaside -resort in Essex. Old-fashioned Victorian -furniture, producing a picturesque general -effect. Some modern touch, such as a framed -coloured advertisement of pneumatic tyres.</i></p> - -<p><i>Door</i>, <span class="smcap">R.</span>, <i>leading to hall, principal entrance, and -kitchen. Door</i>, <span class="smcap">L.</span>, <i>leading through a porch to -the garden. A large window, divided into -three portions by stonework, at the back: the -panes are small; one of these portions is open, -the others are closed.</i></p> - -<p><i>Through the window can be seen a view of the -garden, and the sea in the distance. The -fireplace is not seen.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Flora</span> <i>are seated at either side of a -tea-table</i>.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Time</span>: <i>Afternoon in June. Sunshine.</i></p> - - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Another cup? (<span class="smcap">Cedric</span>, <i>looking at -her, makes no reply</i>.) Cedric! Another cup?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> -(<i>with a touch of very good-humoured impatience</i>).</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<span class="smcap">Cedric</span> <i>rises, goes round the table to her, -takes hold of her, and kisses her</i>.)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Standing over her, she looking up at -him.</i>) I've been wanting to do that for about -thirty solid minutes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Then why didn't you, my poor boy? -(<span class="smcap">Cedric</span> <i>gives a gesture to show that he doesn't -know why</i>) ... Instead of keeping us both -waiting like that! (<i>Reflective.</i>) And yet it's -barely three hours since you kissed me in the -vestry!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Vestry be dashed! And here's -another thing I've been wanting to do (<i>he -carefully kisses her ear</i>).</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> My ear!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Precisely, your ear! Strange!... And -I can tell you something even stranger. Shall -I? (<i>She nods.</i>) When I'm standing over you -I feel as if I should like to kill you! Yes, -really, Fluff! It takes me all of a sudden! -You know—when you lean out of a high -balcony and you feel you must jump—well, -it's that sort of a feeling.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> What particular <i>kind</i> of homicide?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Oh! (<i>at a loss</i>) a kind of a fierce -crushing. (<i>She smiles.</i>) You think it's justifiable?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I don't mind so long as I know my -risks.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>After staring at her, with a convinced -air.</i>) <i>We</i> shall get on together all right!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Yes, I think we're doing rather well so -far, considering (<i>turning the ring on his finger</i>).</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Considering what?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Considering how nervous we both are, -naturally (<i>drops his hand</i>).</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Moving away. Half to himself.</i>) -Yes, and we shall keep getting more nervous!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Resuming exactly the same matter-of-fact -tone as when she first put the question.</i>) -Another cup?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Similar tone.</i>) How many have I -had?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I don't know, dear.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I've had enough, then.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Well, about our programme. Suppose -we settle it a bit.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Yes, let's. (<i>Sits down.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I do think it was a lovely idea to start -off without any programme at all! Heaven -itself couldn't say where we shan't be this time -next week!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Well, subject to your approval, I don't -mind informing heaven that anyhow we shan't -be here.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Tired of this place—already?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> On the contrary! But it's too small<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span> -to hold a couple that have just walked out of -a vestry. One hotel, one flagstaff, one boat, -one sea. No pier, no tea-shop, no concert, -and very probably no moon.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Extraordinary how even three hours -of married life will change a man! You -always used to be rather keen on quietness, -solitude, old flannel suits, and so on.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Now look here, Fluff! This honeymoon -programme is important. Er—(<i>hesitates</i>).</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Nods.</i>) Let's talk as man to man.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> The fact is I've always had a very -distinct theory about honeymoons. Far from -the madding crowd is a mistake on a honeymoon.... -Solitude! Wherever you are, if -you're on a honeymoon, you'll get quite as -much solitude as is good for you every -twenty-four hours. Constant change and distraction—that's -what wants arranging for. -Solitude will arrange itself.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I didn't expect this from you, dear.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Hastily, apologetic.</i>) Simply a theory! -I've had no practical experience, and I'm -perfectly ready to sit at your feet in the -matter. Honestly, I don't care a straw. I -may be wrong, and if you——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Solemnly.</i>) You aren't wrong! -You're quite fearfully right!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>After staring at her with a convinced<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> -air.</i>) We <i>shall</i> get on together—that's a bedrock -certainty! Now this place ought to be -excellent for a beginning, but I should -imagine that about a couple of days of it -would do us.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I never suspected—no, really, I never -<i>did</i> suspect—that any man could have as -much common-sense, <i>before</i>hand, as you have, -Cedric. Not to speak of courage!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Cheek, you mean. But then, of -course, I <i>am</i> supposed to have a bit of nerve. -Well, that's settled. We are to travel, then.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> The point is, where?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Where would you like?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Radiantly.</i>) <i>Any</i>where.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> What about Paris?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Oh, not Paris.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Why not?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> We should be simply mobbed. My -dearest boy, have you ever heard speak of the -simplicity of genius?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I seem to have read about it somewhere, -perhaps in the ladies' papers.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Well, you won't understand it, because -you've got it—acutely.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> And here all these years I've been -taking myself for rather a crafty person!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Do you know how many times I've -counted your portrait in the weeklies this -year? One hundred and forty-six! And<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> -that's not reckoning the pictures where your -aeroplane's so high up that you only look like a -fly in a mouse-trap.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> In my simple mind I'd always -thought that the surest way never to be -recognised in the street was to have your -portrait in the papers.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> And then there's your likeness to -your mother! A hundred and fifty-one -thousand copies of your dear mother's last -novel sold up to yesterday—so I saw in the -"Telegraph." And then her new novel out -to-day!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I'm not suggesting that we should -camp out in Piccadilly for our honeymoon, -my dove and my love; I said Paris.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> All London will be in Paris.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> What—next week?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Every week. Excuse me asking a -pointed question, dearest, but have you ever -been to Paris—I mean, since the flood?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Yes. My knowledge of the unwieldy -goods department of the big railway stations -is probably matchless.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Well, if you'd stepped outside the -stations you'd know that Paris is now exclusively -inhabited by nice respectable people -from London and nice respectable people -from Arizona; and when they aren't cricking -their necks to look at aeroplanes, they're<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span> -improving their minds with your dear mother's -latest novel.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Mock serious.</i>) Will you believe me—I'd -no notion of this at all!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I tell you what—I wouldn't mind -going to Paris under an assumed name.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Oh, no!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Why not? It would be amusing.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I don't see myself travelling under a -false name. I suppose I am too English.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Well, I don't see myself in a Paris -hotel as the bride of the most celebrated -English aviator, and the daughter-in-law of -the most celebrated English lady-novelist. -I do not! (<i>With a characteristic gesture.</i>) -Mobbed isn't the word for what we should -be.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Gazing at her.</i>) You must have noticed -that I'm not what you'd call gushing. I've -known myself go for a month without using -a single superlative; but really, my most dear -girl, my Fluffiest, when you strike an attitude -like that, you're more marvellously and ineffably -adorable than ever. Your beauty, -your charm, your enormous slap-upness—(<i>changing -his tone</i>)—Well, ecstasy is not my -line.... I only said Paris because the mater -asked me if I thought we should be going -there, and I told her it was possible.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Will <i>she</i> be there?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> No, no! Only, if we <i>should</i> happen to -go there, she wanted me to count the panes of -glass in a lamp-post on the Alexander III. -bridge. One of her realistic details, you know. -I expect she's got her hero staring absently -up at that lamp-post—after an indiscreet -evening.... She may be depending on me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> But surely that isn't a reason why we -should go to Paris! Your dear mother might -have wanted to know the number of ribs -in the umbrella of the King of Siam—should -we have had to book to Bangkok?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I was only——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Husband, I must tell you something -about your mother. I've kept it a secret from -you. Do you know what made her give up -her terrific scheme of our being married in the -cathedral by the Bishop, surrounded by the -press of Europe?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I thought our angel-tongues persuaded -her out of it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Not at all. A threat did it. I dropped -in on her one day for a little private chat -while you were at Blackpool. She was just -going to arrange with the Bishop. I told her -confidentially—but of course <i>nicely</i>—that if -she wouldn't agree to us being married by a -curate at Chelmsford, with nobody but her and -your father and Charlie present, and nothing -whatever in the papers for at least a fortnight,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> -then I should insist on being married at a -registry office.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> The deuce you did! What did she -say?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> She merely said: "Of course your -wish is our law, Mrs. Lloyd." But the next -day she was calling me "Flora" again.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> The mater folded up like that?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> There! (<i>Laughing.</i>) Listen to your -own tone, dearest. Naturally she folded up. -She only needs proper treatment.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Well, I had a bit of a stir with her -when I decided to give up my amateur status; -but I must say as a rule I get on very well -with the mater.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> So do I. It's because I get on so well -with her that we had a curate to-day instead -of the Bishop. Rather a jolly curate, didn't -you think?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Struck me as a queer lot.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Of course they're all queer. I liked -him because when he asked me to sign my -name he didn't say (<i>imitating the snigger of a -curate</i>) "for the last time." They always do, -you know. It's almost part of the service, for -them. And if he had said it, I do believe I -should have screamed.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I say, Fluff, why after hiding this -secret for several weeks—it's practically a -double life that you've been leading—why<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span> -do you reveal it just at this particular -moment?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Oh—sheer caprice, my dearest! It -just popped into my head.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Somewhat troubled and awkward.</i>) -So your notion is that the mater's moral -empire over her family and the British public -might be checked without grave loss of -life, eh?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Cedric! (<span class="smcap">Cedric</span> <i>looks at her, arrested -and questioning</i>.) What's the rarest thing in -the world? Quick?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Common-sense, of course.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Oh! Good! I was afraid you might -say a well-cooked potato.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> You ought to know me better than -that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> But, Cedric, it's only now that we're -beginning to make each other's acquaintance.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> That's true! But how did <i>you</i> know -that common-sense is the rarest thing in the -world?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Because I've got so very little of it -myself. But even a very little will go a long -way. Now, have I told you that our marriage -isn't going to be like ordinary marriages—I -mean, really?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Well, you haven't exactly told me, -but you've allowed me to suspect the fact.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Most marriages, and especially most<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> -honeymoons, are third-rate simply because the -people concerned in them don't bring their -bit of common-sense to bear on the problems -that are (<i>mock platform manner</i>)—er—continually -arising. (<i>Laughing.</i>) I intend to -keep my bit of common-sense healthy by -constant exercise. Common-sense, steadily -applied, will solve any problem.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Emphatically.</i>) Any! (<i>After a pause.</i>) -Always provided——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Surprised.</i>) Always provided?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> My dear, in this outpouring of wisdom -I, too, must have my share. Common-sense -will solve any problem—any!—always provided -it is employed simultaneously with -politeness. During a long and varied career -as a bachelor, dear spouse (<i>mock platform -manner</i>), I have noticed that marriage is -usually the death of politeness between a -man and a woman. I have noticed that the -stronger the passion the weaker the manners. -Now, my theory is that politeness, instead of -decreasing with intimacy—should increase! -And when I say "politeness" I mean common, -superficial politeness. I don't mean the deep-down -sort of thing that you can only detect -with a divining-rod.... Pardon, you were -saying?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Cedric! (<i>Impulsively rushes to him -and kisses him.</i>) How <i>right</i> you are! It's<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> -exactly what I've been thinking for years. -Now, as to common-sense and the programme. -It would be against common-sense for us to -begin by annoying your mother. If you -really do think your mother would be in the -least upset by our not going to Paris, naturally -I shall be delighted to go. We could stop -just long enough to inspect the lamp-post—and -then off again.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Oh, no! Oh, no! Of course she -won't be upset!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> That's settled, then. Do you know -I've had the tiniest idea of going to Ostend, -and then taking the Orient express to Buda-Pesth? -I'm dying to see Hungary, simply dying.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> My dearest, your life shall be saved -regardless of cost.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I do want an expensive honeymoon. -Not because I'm extravagant, but because a -honeymoon is a solemn, important thing.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> A symbol.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> A symbol. And it ought to be done—well, -adequately.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Nineteen thousand pounds odd of -mine is now on deposit at my bank—all -honestly taken by me out of the pockets of -ratepayers of various important towns in less -than a year. And when that's gone I can -always get more at about the same rate, as -you know.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Cedric! There is to be no flying -during our honeymoon?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Certainly not!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> And it is to last a full month, naturally.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> A full calendar month—with no address -for letters.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Sigh of ecstatic anticipation.</i>) Two or -three days, you said, here?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Yes, don't you think it's enough?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Oh! quite. We shall be gone before -anybody's had time to guess—(<i>breaking off</i>). -Dearest, don't you think we came into the -hotel rather well?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Fine. No one could suspect that we -hadn't been <i>born</i> married. I was proud of -both of us.</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Gaston</span>, <span class="smcap">R.</span>) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> Shall I clear the table? (<i>Beginning -to do so before receiving permission.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Yes. (<span class="smcap">Flora</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Cedric</span> <i>rise</i>.)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> (<i>With a cheerful air, quite unconscious -of his impudent manner.</i>) I suppose you stay -here long time?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Determined to snub the waiter.</i>) -Really!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Why?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> Oh! honeymoon. Dull place. Fresh -married English people demand generally dull -place.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<span class="smcap">Flora</span> <i>collapses and exit hurriedly into -the garden</i>, <span class="smcap">L.</span> <span class="smcap">Cedric</span>, <i>with more -leisurely dignity, lights a cigarette and -is about to follow her when he stops and -turns</i>.)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> By the way, I don't think we <i>shall</i> -stay long.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> (<i>After looking at</i> <span class="smcap">Flora</span> <i>in the garden, -impartially and cheerfully</i>.) It is strange how -English people have shame of being married. -One would say it was a crime in England. A -young man and young lady in English hotel—they -like better that one should think they -not married. It is different in Switzerland. -In Switzerland we are proud. We tell all the -world. Why not?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> So you come from Switzerland?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> Oh, yes. I am not English (<i>eagerly.</i>) -Geneva. My father is a <i>fabricant</i>, a——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Manufacturer.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> Yes, manufacturer of door-mats. My -father makes door-mats for all the hotels in -Switzerland. Very big! Very important! -He says—I must go into the hotel business. -He will buy me a hotel. I learn everything. -We do that in Switzerland. We are <i>scientifique</i>. -I have been in the kitchens. Now I -am waiter. No shame. Nobody could guess -I am a gentleman.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> You mustn't be too hard on yourself, -my friend. And so you've come to England?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> My father says, Go to England. -Study the English <i>caractère</i> in England. -Very valuable. When I come to London I -could not speak English—no!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> When was that? Last week?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> No. It is a year, nearly. But I had -at once a situation, the first day, at the Grand -Babylon Hotel.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Rather awkward, wasn't it, not knowing -English?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> Yes. That fatigues one—to hear a -strange language all the day.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I meant for the customers.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> (<i>Nonchalant gesture.</i>) They are now -well habituated. Many of them learn French -or German, it saves time. English people are -so practical. They are not <i>logique</i>, but they -are practical. Now to-day I speak German, -Italian, as perfectly as English.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Remarkable! But surely a man of -your enormous ability is wasted in a sleepy -place like this.... Perhaps you find it -amusing, though.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> (<i>Shakes his head. Passionately.</i>) -Dull! It is for my health that I am here. -Sleepy! Ah, my God! (<i>Disdainfully.</i>) But -all England sleeps.... But next month I go -to Germany. I shall have done England.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> You like Germany.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> Ah! What a country! What -organisation! What science! Never sleeps! -Always conquers! (<i>Patronisingly.</i>) Do you -think in <i>your</i> business the Germans will not -conquer, at the end?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> My business?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> Yes. Aeroplanes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> So you know that?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> I know everything.... Look at -anileen!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Anileen?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> Yes. Anileen—colours.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Ah! You mean aniline dyes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> Yes, I said so.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> What about them?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> What about them? England -invented them. Germany has taken them -from you—all. That is science. All German -now. So with aeroplanes. England and -France—proud, very proud. But at the end, -you will see ... at the end.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Oh!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> And soon.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I say, if it isn't a rude question, how -<i>did</i> you guess that we were—er—on our -honeymoon? It might be useful for me to -know.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> Ah, now—again! I read, I study. -I alone in this sleepy place. By example, no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> -afternoon newspapers—none—came into this -place till I ordered one at the railway. I -insisted. "The Piccadilly Gazette"—you -know—Thackeray—"written by gentlemen -for gentlemen." I read it every day. Ah! -And is it not afraid of Germany!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Do you mean there's something about -my marriage in the "Piccadilly Gazette"?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> Yes. Do you want to read it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Well, I should rather like to see it, if -I'm not interfering with your studies.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> (<i>Taking paper out of his pocket.</i>) -There! (<i>Stands waiting in a suggestive attitude.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Accepting paper.</i>) Thanks! (<i>Looks -at him and gives him a tip.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> (<i>Pocketing the coin.</i>) Thanks!... -And you will see about Klopstock too. -(<i>Picking up tray.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> What about Klopstock?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> He comes to England soon as he has -flyed at Breslau. Ah! You will see! (<i>Exit</i> -<span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>with tray</i>.)</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<span class="smcap">Cedric</span> <i>sits down with paper, and begins -to read</i>.)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Quietly.</i>) Oh!</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<i>He drops the end of his cigarette into a -flower-pot; then takes a cigar from his<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> -case, cuts it, puts it in his mouth, and -produces a matchbox, but does not light -it.</i>)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Oh, indeed!</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<i>He goes to the window, and taps on one -of the closed panes. After a moment</i> -<span class="smcap">Flora</span> <i>appears at the open part of the -window</i>. <span class="smcap">Cedric</span>, <i>with a motion of the -hand, indicates that he wishes her to -enter</i>.)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Off, in a conspiratorial whisper.</i>) Has -the reader of hearts quite gone? (<span class="smcap">Cedric</span> -<i>nods</i>.) Come out. (<span class="smcap">Cedric</span> <i>beckons her inwards -with his finger</i>.)</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Flora</span>, <span class="smcap">L.</span>) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Oh, Cedric! What a blow! We're -the honeymoon couple now of Pixton-on-Sea. -How did he guess?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Scarcely listening to her.</i>) Fluff, read -this (<i>hands her paper with his finger on a -particular paragraph</i>). Top of second column.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Reads.</i>) "We are informed that Mr. -Cedric Haslam, the celebrated aviator (<span class="smcap">Cedric</span> -<i>shows surprise</i>) was married privately this -morning at Chelmsford to Mrs. Flora Lloyd, -widow of the late Mr. Artemus Lloyd, stockbroker, -who at one time was a well-known -figure in the Kaffir Circus. Mr. and Mrs.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> -Reach Haslam, the bridegroom's parents, and -his brother, Mr. Charles Haslam, were present. -The happy pair are spending the first part of -the honeymoon at Pixton-on-Sea. By a curious -coincidence, Mrs. Reach Haslam's new novel, -'The Wiving of the Chancellor,' appears on -the very day of the marriage of her eldest -son." (<i>Shaking her head.</i>) Only one thing is -possible. Flight. Immediate flight! And -plenty of it! Cedric, I suppose this is your -dear mother's doing?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I should doubt it. More probably -some accidental leakage. She hates the very -thought of self-advertisement.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Oh! I <i>know</i>. But I've always noticed -she's somewhat unlucky in the matter of -leakages. Your father ought to study plumbing.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Slightly impatient.</i>) That's nothing. -That's not what I wanted you to read. I -hadn't even noticed that. Look! (<i>Pointing -to a paragraph.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> "Dissensions in the Cabinet. Extraordinary -rumours."</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> No, no. (<i>Takes the paper and reads.</i>) -"The German Invasion. To-morrow, upon -the conclusion of the Breslau meeting, Herr -Klopstock will pack up his victorious new -mono-plane and start for England. He -announces his intention of trying within three<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> -weeks for the ten thousand pounds prize -recently offered by the Aero Club to the first -aviator who flies over Snowdon. Herr Klopstock, -who has already, we understand, taken -the whole of a hotel at Beddgelert for the -accommodation of his staff, is convinced that -his machine will rise easily to at least four -thousand feet. The Kaiser has just christened -the aeroplane the Black Eagle, by telegraph, -and has assured the renowned aviator and -ex-professor of the heartiest good wishes of -himself and his house. His youngest grandchild, -Prince—um—um—Fatherland—um—The -news will certainly create a considerable -sensation in England as it has done in Germany." -I should say it would.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Why should it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> What! The Kaiser's Black Eagle -flying over the highest mountain in England, -and getting ten thousand pounds for the job! -It's unthinkable! How does it strike you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> It strikes me that it would have been -much simpler and less expensive not to have -offered the ten thousand pounds. It's altogether -too tempting. Besides, it seems to me -anybody ought to be able to fly over a little -thing like Snowdon, seeing how they sail -over the Pyrenees and all that sort of thing.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> My adorable child, don't talk like a -member of the public. Henceforth you are in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> -the know. The fogs alone make Snowdon -worse than the Pyrenees. And then the Aero -Club has been clever enough to ordain that -the aviator is to start and land within four -miles of the summit. How is a man to get -off on such ground, and where is he to land -without breaking wood? And then the -business of finding his way! He's bound -to do a lot of corkscrewing to get up, and -nothing less than six thousand feet would be -safe.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>With a gesture dismissing all that.</i>) -Well, I don't think it's quite nice of Mr. Klopstock. -It ought to have occurred to him. -But then, it never does seem to occur to -Germans.... I've often noticed that in hotels. -They don't seem to perceive. (<i>Different tone.</i>) -Will he succeed?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> He <i>might</i>. I don't think he would; -not with his present horse-power; but he just -might.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Well, most probably he won't. And -then you can try in July as you originally -intended, and get the money after all. Then -there will have been some <i>sense</i> in the prize, -anyway.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> It isn't the money.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Surely it isn't the mountain?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Following his own thought.</i>) We've -got to come out on top in this business. I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span> -must get to business in the middle of next -week. It'll take a day to modify those wingtips, -and another to tune her up. Oh! I shall -be ready long before he is. But I'll give him -a chance to get nicely installed in his hotel. -I should like Herr Klopstock and his crew to -admire the beautiful scenery.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Casually.</i>) You must be at the works -next week?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> It's me or nobody! No use trying to -disguise that fact, Fluff!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Perhaps in the heat of the moment -you've forgotten that you happened to get -married this morning, Cedric.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I wish we hadn't happened to get -married this morning. (<i>She looks at him.</i>) I -mean, I wish we'd happened to get married -a week ago. Frantic nuisance! However, -there you are! It simply means we shall be -fixed up a bit sooner in the flat——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> But the flat won't be anything like -ready by next week.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Never mind, we'll sleep at the Grand -Babylon, or in the backyard. (<i>A little pause.</i>) -Of course as a nuisance it completely baffles -description.... To-day of all days.... However, -Fluff, as I said before with profound truth—there -you are! It would never do in this -world to give the German lot even a chance. -The thing's too spectacular—altogether too<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> -spectacular. If it was a question of beating -us quietly and for ever in technics or manufacture, -the B.P. wouldn't think twice about -it; but Snowdon is Snowdon, and a black -eagle is a black eagle, and (<i>comically</i>) in short, -madam, England will turn to your husband -in its hour of peril. In other words, Fluff, it's -up to me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Lightly.</i>) I say, Cedric.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Well?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I thought we were agreed about a full -calendar month.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>After a pause; as lightly as possible.</i>) -Do you mean you think I ought to let -Snowdon slide? Do you really——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Yes, of course. Don't you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> You aren't serious?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Persuasively.</i>) My dearest boy, is there -any reason why I shouldn't differ from you -and yet be serious?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> No, of course not. But in a case like -this—if there was anybody else to take my -place, I wouldn't mind. Of course Smith-James -could do it if only he would use our machine—but -he won't. Nothing would induce him to. -So as I keep on saying—there you are!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> But what does it matter? Is it -because the other man's machine has been -called the Black Eagle in a telegram that -you——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Yes, partly.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Oh! So that if this canvas-backed -duck flies first over a lump of mud called -Snowdon——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> But don't I tell you Snowdon is the -highest mountain in England?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> No, it isn't.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Pardon me. Three thousand five hundred -and seventy feet. The next highest is——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Well, you go and tell Lloyd George -that Snowdon is the highest mountain in -England, and see what you'll get.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Wales, then. It's all the same.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>With great charm.</i>) If you're thinking -of the ten thousand pounds, I don't mind -informing you, as a great secret, that I -wouldn't sell a single day of my honeymoon -with you for ten times ten thousand pounds. -But I told you I wanted an expensive honeymoon, -didn't I?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Shaking his head and with calm -certainty.</i>) The money doesn't influence me -that much! (<i>Snaps his fingers.</i>) I don't -wish to flatter myself, but I think I could -light your cigarette with a bank note as -gracefully as anybody. No——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> You're pulling away at that cigar of -yours, but I suppose you know it isn't lighted.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Isn't it? (<i>As he lights the cigar.</i>) -No! This Snowdon business. Well, it's a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> -symbol (<i>half to himself</i>). I wonder how I can -make you understand that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Fascinatingly.</i>) Oh! Force is unnecessary, -I understand that. But who was -it said just now that the honeymoon was a -symbol? It stands for all our married life. -It's the most exciting and interesting time we -shall ever have. And you can't put a honeymoon -off, you know. It isn't like a box of -cigars that you can keep in a cupboard and -enjoy one of them every now and then when -you've got a few minutes to spare. It must -happen now or never. You can't postpone it. -You can only kill it. (<i>Smiles lightly.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Taking hold of her, in a caressing -tone.</i>) She's tragic!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Disengaging herself.</i>) Oh, no!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Now just listen to me, Fluff. I'm -really thinking at least as much of you as of -myself. This affair is bound to have an -influence on my career.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> And what about its influence on mine?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Same thing. I suppose our interests -are identical.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> My poor simple boy, do you really -believe that?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Well, dash it, aren't you my wife?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> So far as I'm concerned, it would be -more correct to say that you're my husband. -In fact, you've got a career as my husband.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Anxious to be fair.</i>) Certainly. And -you as my wife. But——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> One second, dearest. You're unique as -an aviator, aren't you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Conventionally modest.</i>) Oh—well——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Now. Man to man. Give your modesty -a rest. Really, don't you consider you've -proved yourself unique in your line?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Hesitatingly, chivalrously.</i>) I suppose -I'm just about as unique in my line as -you are in yours, my dear.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Now that's very nice of you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Not at all.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Yes, it is, because it's exactly what I -wanted you to say. You've often said that -I'm unique, and I just wanted you to say it -again at this identical particular instant. Of -course I could have reminded you of it, but -that wouldn't have been quite so effective. -That's why it's very nice of you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> So you are unique—I'll say it as often -as you like.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I warn you, you're giving yourself -away.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Delighted!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I wouldn't care to repeat all the lovely -adjectives you've used about me. If you -weren't such a determined enemy of gush and -superlatives—people might suspect that sometimes -you exaggerated the tiniest bit when<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span> -you talked about me, <i>to</i> me. But of course <i>I</i> -know you never do exaggerate, at any rate -consciously, and <i>you</i> know you're a very good -judge.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> What of?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Us!... Now look here, Cedric, don't -you think it would be a pity to stop this -creature, who is so unique in her line, from -giving a full exhibition of her unique powers -at a unique moment; at the very height of -her career. You know, she'll never have -another opportunity like this of proving that -she really is unique in her line.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> What do you call her line? Let's be -clear.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Quietly, off-handedly, after a pause.</i>) -To charm. Merely that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> By God! She can do that. But -(<i>winningly, but half to himself</i>), I hardly know -how to put it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I think you do, dearest; but you're so -nice, you don't like to. You wanted to make -a comparison between the importance of your -line and the importance of mine. I admit all -that. I'm quite humble. I fully admit that -if Hyde Park were full of aviators and -Battersea Park were full of charming young -women, rather pretty and—er—chic—(<i>gesture -to show off her frock</i>)—I fully admit that not -a man among you would ever <i>dream</i>—of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> -crossing the river. I fully admit that if every -aviator in Europe gave up business to-morrow -the entire world would go into mourning, -whereas if all the charming women retired from -business they'd never be missed. Still——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Appreciative.</i>) You're a witty girl——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> We're both rather witty, aren't we, at -times?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> But the fact is I wasn't going to -make any comparison at all between our -respective lines. I was only going to point -out that you can keep on being charming all -the time. You're always charming; you're -always doing <i>your</i> line. Whereas for my line -I have to choose times and seasons—or rather -I don't choose 'em, they're chosen for me, as, -for instance, just now. Wherever we are, -honeymoon or no honeymoon, you're—well, -you're giving an exhibition flight.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Now, Cedric, your good nature's getting -the better of your sincerity. I'm not always -charming. Ask your dear mother. And have -you forgotten our historic shindy about the -length of your moustache scarcely three -months ago? I'm <i>not</i> always charming. And -I don't <i>want</i> to be always charming. Who -would? As for exhibition flights, you've -never seen me give one. You think you -have, but what you've seen up to now is -nothing. I don't mind telling you that I had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> -arranged a rather sensational exhibition flight -for the next month. It would last just thirty-one -days. I don't mind telling you that I've -thought a good deal about it, and made all -my elaborate preparations. It really would -be a pity to interfere with it. And you know -it can't be postponed. I don't choose time -and season any more than you do.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> But surely, Fluff, this flight can proceed, -as I say, wherever we are?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> You think so? And what about my -grandstand?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I shall always be your grandstand.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Shall you? I can only do my best -when I've got the undivided attention of my -audience. I hope I should never come <i>quite</i> -to earth, but I don't see myself being unique -in my line for the benefit of a man who is -busy (<i>with the faintest touch of irony in her -tone</i>) counting the misfires in his motor, or -dreaming about the barometer.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Naturally, if you don't see the importance -of this Snowdon business to us——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Consciously very charming again.</i>) But -I do see it perfectly well. A woman unique -in her own line is not necessarily a gaping -idiot in every other line. I admit the immense -importance of Snowdon to us. I won't argue. -In my time I've been told that I was too -well-dressed to be able to argue. I simply<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> -want to ask you this—what, for you, is the -<i>most</i> important thing in life? Now, let's be -straight. Have you married as a supreme -end, or is your supreme end to move yourself -about in the air without visible means of -support? Now (<i>smiling</i>), look me in the face, -and be a man.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> You're putting very fundamental -questions.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Is marriage a relaxation from flying, -or do you fly in order to have the means for -practising the whole art of marriage under -favourable conditions? Do you live most -intensely when you're battling with the breeze, -or when you're (<i>dropping her voice</i>) with me? -I only want to know. Because if you live -most intensely when you're with me, this -honeymoon should be worth more to us than -forty Snowdons.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>A little coldly.</i>) Say no more, -Snowdon is chucked. Of course, my position -is impossible. You have only to insist.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Losing her self-control.</i>) Insist? -Insist that you neglect an aeroplane so that -you can stay with me? My dear boy, I'm -incapable of taking such a mean advantage of -an aeroplane. An aeroplane can't insist. -And I can assure you I shan't.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Do you know that you're scarcely -logical?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Not logical? In not insisting?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Somewhat at a loss.</i>) I mean -generally. For instance, when we began, your -first argument was that we couldn't shorten -the honeymoon because the flat wouldn't be -ready.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> One can't think of everything at once. -You mustn't forget I've never been called to -the bar. If I'd known what was coming, -no doubt I should have prepared my case -and had it typewritten, and sent copies to -the press.... And then what about your -being illogical?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Me?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Yes. When I ask you for a straight -answer you protest that I'm putting very -fundamental questions. Did you expect me to -put shallow questions? Did you expect me -to enquire whether you'd used Pears' soap?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Now look here, Fluffiest——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Angry.</i>) Cedric, I wish you wouldn't -call me that. You've only started it since we -were married. I can stand Fluff, but I don't -like Fluffy, and my objection to Fluffiest is -intense.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I beg your pardon.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Recovering herself sweetly.</i>) It's I -who beg yours. For the moment I was forgetting -that "common superficial politeness" -that you ranked with common-sense.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> My dear child, everything's all right. -The honeymoon shall not be shortened by -a single day. Everything's absolutely all -right.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Shakes her head.</i>) It isn't. You're -only giving way to please me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Well, really—— (<i>laughing</i>).</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Cedric. Honestly. Yes or no. Do -you think I ought to yield to the aeroplane?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>They look at each other.</i>) I think you -oughtn't to ask quite such questions?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Agreeing.</i>) No. Such questions -ought to be asked earlier. But human nature -is so—human, that probably it wouldn't be -any use asking them any earlier. They -might even be considered rude. In fact, it <i>is</i> -considered rude for <i>fiancés</i> to worry each other -with any questions that really matter. (<i>Pause. -In a vague voice.</i>) Whether you prefer a flat or -a house, and the colour of the drawing-room -chairs—that's about as far as you are supposed -to go. (<i>Another pause.</i>) Well?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Approaching her.</i>) What?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Do you think I ought to yield to the -aeroplane?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Stands still, very firmly.</i>) My dear -girl, if you ask me to be straight, I think the -Snowdon business isn't a thing to be neglected. -(<i>Pause at high tension.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Plaintively.</i>) Common-sense doesn't<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> -seem to be such a wonderful cure for difficulties -after all. (<i>Fiercely.</i>) Oh! If I had -faith, wouldn't I just move that mountain into -the sea! (<i>Gives a sob.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Flora, what can I say?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Controlling herself.</i>) There's nothing -else to be said—by either of us. It's—it's -hopeless.</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Charles Haslam</span>, <span class="smcap">R.</span>, <i>cautiously. -He is in motoring attire.</i>)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> (<i>At the door, to someone outside.</i>) It's -all right. We've caught 'em (<i>within the -room</i>).</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Extremely puzzled; frowning.</i>) Hello!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Hello!... Flora, what's the -matter?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Collecting herself; ironically.</i>) Oh, -nothing! nothing! This is a nice kind idea -of yours, to come and relieve our solitude, but -did you expect us not to be startled?</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Reach Haslam</span>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Hello. (<span class="smcap">Mr. Reach Haslam</span> <i>gives -a deprecating gesture</i>.)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> My dear Flora!</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Reach Haslam</span>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Any more?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Gaston</span>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Well, this <i>is</i> a pleasure. Unusual -perhaps——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Reach Haslam.</span> My dear son, my dear -Flora—— (<i>Turns to</i> <i>Mr. Reach Haslam</i>.) -Father—— (<i>Stops.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Reach Haslam.</span> (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Gaston</span>, <i>who is -hovering inquisitively about</i>.) If there is the -slightest doubt in your mind as to the exact -geographical situation of the door——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gaston.</span> Please? (<i>Meaning "I beg your pardon, -I didn't catch what you said!"</i>)</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<span class="smcap">Mr. Reach Haslam</span> <i>goes to door</i>, <span class="smcap">R.</span>, <i>and -signals to</i> <span class="smcap">Gaston</span> <i>to depart. Exit</i> -<span class="smcap">Gaston</span>. <span class="smcap">Mr. Reach Haslam</span> <i>closes -door</i>.)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Aside to</i> <span class="smcap">Charles</span>.) What the hell's -up?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> (<i>Loudly.</i>) Well, Rick——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Charles, what did I tell you -before you came in? I'll thank you to go -and sit down over there. (<span class="smcap">Charles</span> <i>obeys</i>.)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Suppose we all sit down, shall we? -Well, what <i>did</i> you tell him before he came -in?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Sits.</i>) Believe me, Flora, I -never felt so unequal to a situation in my -life.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Look here, dad, do you mind telling -me in one word what this is all about?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Yes, your father will tell -you. The circumstances are exceedingly -difficult—in fact, painful. But they have -to be faced, and faced with dignity. The -various necessary steps must be taken, in -their proper order, very carefully. The first -step is to inform you and Flora of the facts. -Your father will inform you; as the head of -the family, and the fount of authority, the -statement comes more properly from him. I -decided that absolutely as we motored down. -(<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Reach Haslam</span>.) Dear——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> Yes, dear. (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Cedric</span> <i>and</i> -<span class="smcap">Flora</span>.) You know we went straight back to -town when you'd left the church. As soon as -we had——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Interrupting, to</i> <span class="smcap">Cedric</span> <i>and</i> -<span class="smcap">Flora</span>.) You needn't be alarmed. As I -said, the circumstances are painful, but once -faced as we shall face them, they really -amount to nothing. The principal thing was -to catch you in time. Thank heaven, we've -done that!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Thank my masterly and audacious -driving!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Staring him down.</i>) If we -had failed! (<i>Gesture of despair to</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Reach -Haslam</span>.) Dear——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Nodding to her politely.</i>) As -soon as we had finished lunch your mother<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> -set herself to work, her work being very much -behind——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Never mind all that. Do it -as gently as you can, but come to the point at -once. I am quite sure that is best.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> The telephone?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> The telephone.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Nodding to her politely.</i>) -We were rung up on the telephone. Your -mother was walking about in meditation, and -as she was nearest to the telephone she -answered it. She then said to me, "It's the -Bishop of Chelmsford." I was at the desk. -In another moment she asked me to come to -the telephone and listen for myself as she -could scarcely believe her ears. I did so, and -the Bishop—he was telephoning from the -Palace at Chelmsford—repeated at my request -what he had said to your mother, namely, -that that curate who—er—officiated this -morning, suddenly awakened to a sense of -beauty——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Sense of duty.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> I quite understood "beauty." -It's true the Bishop hasn't got a good -telephone voice—probably more impressive at -a confirmation than on the telephone. I -heard "beauty." However——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Sense of duty.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> No doubt you are right. I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span> -seemed to gather that it was Flora's beauty -that had roused his conscience.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Oh, no!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> That had what?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> (<i>Coming towards the group, unable -to control his impatience.</i>) Oh, hang it! The -curate was a sham curate—not a curate at all.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Taking it in.</i>) A sham curate!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> But surely such things don't happen?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> That's what many people -said when I made a shopwalker successfully -personate an archdeacon in "The Woman of -Kent." Everyone said so until Mr. Gladstone -wrote that he found the episode quite convincing. -You remember, dear?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> Vividly.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> I assure you it happens -quite frequently that from one cause or another -people who think they are married are not -married. Why, sometimes special Acts of -Parliament have to be passed in order to set -things right—when they've gone altogether -too far. I well recall that when I studied this -subject, as of course I did, coming across a -case in which, owing to a church having been -consecrated very carelessly, a lady who supposed -herself to be the legitimate mother of -sixteen children—poor thing——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Interrupting.</i>) But do you mean to -say we aren't married?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Well, of course, I want to -put it as gently as possible, but the fact is—— -(<i>looking at her husband</i>).</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> It would be an exaggeration -to say that you are married.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> If my idea had been accepted -of having the Bishop to officiate—and he would -have been only too enchanted—in the cathedral, -this dreadful thing could not have occurred. -No case of personating a bishop has ever been -known.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> But what are we to do?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> (<i>Airily.</i>) Well, you must make the -best of it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Outraged.</i>) Certainly not, -Charles, you are astounding. It would have -looked better of you if you had remained -outside in charge of the car. Make the best -of it, indeed! (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Reach Haslam</span>.) -Father——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Cedric</span>.) For the -moment a policy of masterly inactivity seems -to be indicated.</p> - -<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Curtain.</span>) -</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2><a name="NOTES_ON_CHARACTERS_IN2" id="NOTES_ON_CHARACTERS_IN2">NOTES ON CHARACTERS IN -ACT II</a></h2> - - -<p><span class="smcap">The Bishop of Chelmsford.</span> Celibate. The typical -Bishop who, while the bent of his mind is reactionary, -convinces himself that he is exceedingly -modern, and moving with the rapid times. No real -intellectual quality, but energetic and self-adaptive.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Frampington.</span> A bland young man, with perfect -manners and perfect sangfroid. A single-minded -person of immense intellectual and spiritual originality. -To himself he does not seem at all peculiar, -but merely natural.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cuthbert.</span> Just a plain modern butler. I particularly -do not want this trifling part to be embroidered -by the conventional butler "business." If any -genuine realistic butler "business" can be brought -into it, well and good.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2><a name="ACT_II" id="ACT_II">ACT II.</a></h2> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Reach Haslam's</span> <i>study. A large apartment, -richly and suitably furnished. The -retreat of one of the most successful, most -wealthy, and most majestic novelists in the -world. Large and splendid desk (for two -people, sitting opposite each other) about the -middle of the room. Door back leading to -hall, etc. Door</i>, <span class="smcap">L.</span>, <i>leading to drawing-room. -Down stage, left, a sofa, which is partly -hidden by a screen from the view of anyone -entering by door</i>, <span class="smcap">L.</span> <i>Date calendar on desk. -Telephone.</i></p> - -<p><i>All the</i> <span class="smcap">Haslams</span> <i>except</i> <span class="smcap">Charles</span> <i>are in evening -dress</i>. <span class="smcap">Flora</span> <i>is elaborately attired, with a -light Egyptian shawl on her shoulders, and -a fan.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Time</span>: <i>Same evening. Immediately after dinner.</i></p> - - -<p><i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Bishop</span> <i>is waiting, alone. Enter to him, -from door back</i>, <span class="smcap">Mrs. Reach Haslam</span> -<i>followed by</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Reach Haslam</span>.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>As she enters.</i>) Ah! Bishop. -How good of you! (<i>Shakes hands.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> (<i>Shaking hands with</i> <i>Mr. Reach -Haslam</i>.) My dear Mrs. Reach Haslam. -Not at all! I blush for my diocese—that such -a deplorable and distressing accident should -have occurred in it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Then it really is true?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> But I told you on the telephone.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> I know, I know! I was only -hoping against hope that perhaps after all you -might have found that the marriage was -legal.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> (<i>Shaking his head.</i>) No. His late -father was undoubtedly in orders, his late -brother also. But he himself was no more -ordained than you are. (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Reach -Haslam</span>, <i>who recoils</i>.) He presumed on his -relationships.... In fact, his sole qualification -seems to have been two old suits of his -brother's.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Well, after all, it is perhaps -better so.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Better, dear lady?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> I mean that you have -<i>not</i> brought good news at the eleventh -hour. Really—— (<i>Looking at</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Reach -Haslam</span>.)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>To whom the</i> <span class="smcap">Bishop</span>, -<i>puzzled, turns for an explanation</i>.) My wife, -with her novelist's instinct, perceives the -situation that would be created if we had to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span> -go into the drawing-room now and say to them -suddenly, "Well, you are married, after all."</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Excessively delicate. They -would naturally have to leave the house at once.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Quite so. I cannot tell you how -relieved I was to get your wire saying that -you had overtaken them in time. Young -people make such a mystery of the honeymoon -nowadays that often they don't even leave a -postal address. A dangerous innovation!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> Evidently.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> I gather that you have brought them -both here, poor things!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> It seemed the wisest course. -I consulted my husband, and he quite agreed -with me that in view of the unusual circumstances -we ought to act with the greatest -prudence—for <i>their</i> sakes! And so we -motored quietly back to town and got here -just in time for dinner. My son drove. I sat -by his side. There wasn't room for their heavy -luggage, and so Charlie is bringing that up by -train. Charles is my other son.... (<i>Sighs.</i>) -And here we are!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Admirable! It's a case of——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> As you were.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Just so! Really a terrible blow to -them—must have been! And to you, and to -you! An appalling shock! How have they -borne it?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Well—(<i>turning to</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. R. -Haslam</span>). Father, how should you say they -have borne it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> Grimly. That is—on the -grim side.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Ah!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Of course, my Lord, we are -taking it for granted that the matter can be -put right to-morrow, without fail, and beyond -question. I have tried to comfort them with -that absolute assurance.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> My dear lady. Without fail! At -any hour! <i>any</i> hour ... up to three o'clock. -That is why I have come specially to town—to -convince you by my presence of my horror -at the—er—crime, my sympathy with its -innocent victims, and my utter determination -that the ceremony shall be performed again -to-morrow morning under my personal supervision -and guarantee. I feel that I cannot do -too much.</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<i>During the last words enter</i> <span class="smcap">Cuthbert</span>, -<i>back, with salver of letters and press -cuttings, followed by parlour-maid with -a tray of newspaper packets</i>.)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Will you excuse my -husband while he deals with the post?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> I beg—— (<span class="smcap">Mr. Reach Haslam<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></span> -<i>sits down to desk and takes the post. Exeunt</i> -<span class="smcap">Servants</span>.)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> I ought to apologise for -receiving you in my study, but I thought—my -husband thought—we had better see you -first alone. Are those the press cuttings, -father?</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<span class="smcap">Mr. Reach Haslam</span>, <i>nodding, opens -press cuttings</i>.)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> But for this unfortunate <i>contretemps</i>, -what a charming coincidence that your new -book should be published to-day of all days!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> So you find time in your -busy life, Bishop, to keep abreast of modern -literature—even novels?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> <i>Even</i> novels! My dear lady, there is -no greater force for good.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Or for evil—alas!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Quite so! I have often thought—I -have indeed said so from the platform—that -the two most truly important influences for -good in our generation are your novels and -the leaflets of the National Society for Promoting -the Education of the Poor in the -Principles of the Established Church.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Indeed! Father, do you -recall that press-cutting?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Busy.</i>) No.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> It was reported in our Diocesan -Magazine.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> And yet, my dear Bishop, -I have more than once felt it my duty to -criticise the Church rather sharply in my -work.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> I know, I know. We bow the head, -we kiss the rod.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> In my new novel I am back -in politics again. Have you seen it yet?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> No, not yet. But I have already -ordered it from Boot's.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Boot's?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Yes, the cash chemists. I find their -circulating library the most economical of all. -And I have to be particular. As you know, -I publish every year a detailed account of all -my expenditure, personal and otherwise, and -too large a sum for books might be misconstrued -as self-indulgence, especially in a -bachelor.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Ah, yes. (<i>Handing him a -book.</i>) Here is a copy.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Pretty cover.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>To his wife, in a low tone.</i>) -Twenty-one columns.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Pleased.</i>) Really!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> (<i>Looking up.</i>) Twenty-one columns?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> We are treating you without -ceremony, my dear Bishop. My husband has<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span> -just calculated the total length of the reviews -of my book that have appeared in the London -papers on the first day. Of course we attach -no value whatever to the actual opinions -expressed—the critics have to work in such a -hurry—and they are so sadly unfitted for -their work, poor dears—but the amount of -space given is an excellent indication of the -public importance ascribed to the book.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> (<i>Who has been inspecting the book.</i>) -How true!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>To</i> Mr. <span class="smcap">Reach Haslam</span>.) -Anything special?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> No. "Surpassed herself," -seven or eight times. "Masterpiece," fourteen -times. The "Piccadilly Gazette" is unfavourable.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Very?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Better tell me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Deprecating gesture, reads.</i>) -"The book is of course admirable in workmanship, -knowledge and insight, but Mrs. -Reach Haslam has not, if the truth must be -told, surpassed herself."</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> If I'd known about that -when I saw their lady reporter this morning!...</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> (<i>Putting the book down.</i>) Enthralling -narrative! Enthralling! Now, my dear lady -(<i>rising</i>).</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Interrupting him.</i>) Please -sit down. As you are having a glimpse of -me in my profession to-night, I want to ask -you one or two professional questions—about -the psychology of that false curate.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> (<i>Sitting down again.</i>) Yes, yes. -Psychology. Just so.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> I never lose an opportunity -of gathering material. Father, will you mind -taking down? My husband is good enough -to act as my stenographer.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Touching!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Now I noticed nothing remarkable -about that curate.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> (<i>Agreeing.</i>) No. And yet, you know—curious -thing—he's a gentleman, quite! -Oh, quite! And I even remember once -meeting his father, when I was Court Chaplain, -at a garden party in aid of the Additional -Curates Society.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Repeating what he has written.</i>) -Curates Society.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> But why should he choose -to personate a curate? That is what is so -interesting to a novelist. Why a curate? -It couldn't have been for the money, or the -glory.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> Glory.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> The case is highly peculiar. He is -certainly not without means, or brains. My<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span> -opinion is that his action was due to excessive -intellectual curiosity. He told me he wanted -to feel what it was like to be a curate.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Yet he looked quite sane.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Oh, quite! Astonishing story! His -brother, through the influence of the Primate, -had been engaged as curate, by the Vicar of -St. Saviour's, Chelmsford, subject to an interview. -This brother had been doing some -chaplaining in Switzerland—just rough winter -work. On the way home he died suddenly in -Paris. Well, our friend of this morning -calmly took up the dead man's identity. -Came to Chelmsford, conquered the simple -Vicar, and was at once accepted. That was -two months ago.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> Ago.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> But how dangerous.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> So I pointed out to him. His reply -was that it was just the danger that had -attracted him—coupled with the desire to -understand why the members of his family -had had such a passion for curacy. It seems -that two of his sisters have espoused curates. -This will be a grievous blow for all of them.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> All of them.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> But why should the man be -struck with remorse just now?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Well, his explanation is that he was -so moved by the bride's beauty.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> Duty.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Beauty. (<i>Gesture of mild triumph -from</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Reach Haslam</span> <i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Reach -Haslam</span>.) He could not bear to think that -any action of his should cause—er—inconvenience -to a woman so beautiful. Hence he -came to me at once. Fortunately I happened -to be at the Palace.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Had he performed any -other marriages?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Happily none; but he had celebrated -ten funerals and four baptisms. However -these did not seem to trouble him in the -least, I regret to say. It was the wedding -alone that roused his conscience.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> Conscience.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Of course you sent for the -police.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> I trust and believe that he is now in -prison. But I did not send for the police. -The Church has its dignity to maintain -against the civil judicature in these modern -days. Also with so much irreligion—shall I -say?—flaunting in the very air, She must -avoid scandal—particularly local scandal. -London scandal is less deleterious. Accordingly -I brought the young man up to town -with me, and I put him into a cab for the -police-station, where he will surrender himself -of his own free will to the law. I prefer that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> -way. It is, perhaps, original; but nowadays -we Bishops have to be original.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> But do you really suppose -he has surrendered?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> I am sure of it. I cannot pretend to -your skill in reading character, dear lady, but -I know a gentleman at sight.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> Sight.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Of course, if one put such a -story into a novel, it would never be believed. -That's the worst of real life.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> And yet this distressing affair reminded -me strongly of the false archdeacon -in "The Woman of Kent."</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Pleased.</i>) Ah! You remember -my early book?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> (<i>Protestingly.</i>) My dear lady! You -have no more earnest student! And may I -add that from the first I found that episode -of the false archdeacon entirely convincing. -Its convincingness was one of the very few -points on which I shared the opinions of the -late Mr. Gladstone. "The Woman of Kent" -has always been a favourite of mine among -your novels. It must have had a vast -circulation.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> How many copies, father?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Without looking up from the -desk.</i>) One hundred and seventy-two thousand.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Wonderful memory!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Is it not? He knows more -about my books than I do myself, far more.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Touching. (<i>Rising.</i>) I must go—reluctantly. -Now what time shall we say for -to-morrow morning? I am absolutely at -your disposal.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> But do we understand that -you mean to conduct the ceremony in -person?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> I do. I wish particularly to show by -my presence at the altar my sense of what -complete reparation is due to you—due to -you all.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam</span>. I think we had better -consult Flora herself. (<i>Rings bell.</i>) As you -know, my original intention was that you -should be asked to preside at the ceremony. -But the young people insisted on a simple -curate—doubtless from modesty, my dear -Bishop.... Would that I had been firm in -the first instance!</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Cuthbert</span>, <i>back</i>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Is Mrs. Lloyd in the -drawing-room?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cuthbert.</span> Yes, ma'am.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> With Mr. Cedric?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cuthbert.</span> No, ma'am. She is alone.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Will you tell her that I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span> -should be very much obliged if she could join -us here for a moment.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cuthbert.</span> Yes, ma'am.... A representative -of the "Piccadilly Gazette" has just called, -ma'am—for information. A male representative.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> "The Piccadilly"! (<i>To</i> -<span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam</span>.) The audacity! (<i>To</i> -<span class="smcap">Cuthbert</span>.) About what? (<span class="smcap">Cuthbert</span> -<i>makes a gesture of embarrassment</i>.) You told -him to call again to-morrow?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cuthbert.</span> No, ma'am. He's waiting.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Father, would you mind -going out to him? (<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Cuthbert</span>.) I -really wonder at Cuthbert! (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Bishop</span>.) -We have an absolute rule against seeing -journalists after dinner. As you know, Bishop, -I detest notoriety. Hence our rule. And yet -Cuthbert allows this man to wait!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Going to door.</i>) Cuthbert -is not himself. Cuthbert has been staggered -by the events of the day. The strain of pretending -that nothing in the least unusual has -happened must be tremendous. Allowance -should be made for Cuthbert. How shall I -treat this invader?</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Bishop</span> <i>dips into the novel</i>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Well, without actually men<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span>tioning -their review, perhaps you might just -indicate by your manner——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> These journalists are so -obtuse, but still——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> I think perhaps if you said -that we cannot understand how a purely -private matter can interest the public, but that -if they <i>must</i> know, the Bishop is here in -person, and—— (<span class="smcap">Mr. Reach Haslam</span> <i>nods</i>.) -You think that will be judicious?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> Quite. (<i>Exit back.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> (<i>Putting down the book.</i>) Enthralling!</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Flora</span>, <span class="smcap">L.</span>) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Flora, darling, this is the -Bishop of Chelmsford—Mrs. Lloyd, my—er—prospective -daughter-in-law.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Stiffly.</i>) My lord.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> My dear young lady, I have already -tried to express to Mrs. Haslam my consternation, -my shame, at the——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Smiling coldly.</i>) I am sure that is -sufficient.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> The Bishop has come to -town specially to see us, Flora. In order to -guard against any possibility of further -accident, he has kindly suggested that he -should officiate himself to-morrow morning.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Bishop</span>.) It's really very good -of you.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Relieved.</i>) Is it not?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> At what hour? I am entirely at -your disposal.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Oh, any time!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Noon? If you come down by the -nine-fifteen train——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> That will do perfectly.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Where is Cedric, dear?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I have no idea. Shall I see? -(<i>Exit</i>, <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> The dear child has evidently been -much upset.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> We all have.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Ravishing creature! Who was Mr. -Lloyd?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> He seems to have been on -the Stock Exchange. He was a Chelmsford -man, and had a house just outside the -town.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Indeed! I never met him. Did he -leave a large fortune?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Oh, no! The house—not -much else, I believe.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Probably an admiration for your work -was the original basis of the—er——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Oh, no! I was first introduced -to Mrs. Lloyd by Charlie, my second -son. In fact, quite confidentially, Bishop; we -thought it was a match between <i>them</i>.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> But heaven decided otherwise?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Cedric decided otherwise.</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam</span>, <i>back</i>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> Flora tells me that it is -arranged for to-morrow.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Yes. I have just been hearing from -Mrs. Haslam how this beautiful young lady -has attracted both your sons.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> Very catching. Ran through -the family.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Ha, ha! (<i>Seriously.</i>) Ravishing -creature!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Has Charlie come yet?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> No.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> If he isn't here soon I fear -he'll be late for the office. And he's had no -sleep to-day, poor boy. (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Bishop</span>.) Charles -is the assistant manager of the circulation -department of the "Daily Sentinel," and his -hours are from 9.30 at night till three in the -morning.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> How trying! I'm afraid we little think -when we open our newspaper at breakfast—I -always read the "Sentinel"—we little think -what an immense amount of endeavour——</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Charles</span>, <i>back.</i>) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Hullo! Mater. No trace of any -dinner for me in the dining-room. Here you -stick me up with the luggage and all the dirty -work——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Charles, the Bishop of -Chelmsford.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> We have met once before, I think. -(<i>Shaking hands.</i>) Now, dear Mrs. Haslam -(<i>looking at his watch</i>), I have half an hour to -get to Liverpool Street.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> You return to Chelmsford -to-night?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Essential! I have a midnight procession -of drunkards. You know they call -me "the drunkards' Bishop." I am proud of -the title.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Shaking hands.</i>) Exceedingly -good of you to have come.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Not at all. The obligation is mine -for your forbearance. Now—may I presume -on our slight acquaintanceship? If at any -time you should think of adding a Bishop to -your wonderful gallery of contemporary portraits, -and I could be of assistance—need I -say more?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> I have already drawn two.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Really?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> Suffragans, my dear.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Bishop.</span> Ah! Suffragans! I thought I could -not have forgotten two Bishops. Till to-morrow -then, at noon. Young man, till -to-morrow. (<i>Shakes hands with</i> <span class="smcap">Charles</span>.)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>As</i> <span class="smcap">Bishop</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. R. -Haslam</span> <i>go out</i>.) Father, would you mind<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span> -speaking firmly to Cuthbert about Charlie's -dinner?</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smcap">Bishop</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Reach Haslam</span>, <i>back</i>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Why the Bishop?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> He came up specially to -arrange for to-morrow. Certainly it was the -least he could do.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> To-morrow?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> The wedding.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Oh yes, of course, I was forgetting.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Really, Charlie, you get -more and more absent-minded as you grow -older. I'm not sorry Cedric won't let you -meddle with aeroplanes. The wedding will -be at noon to-morrow. We go down by the -nine-fifteen.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> With all that luggage again! It -would have been simpler to leave it where it -was. Seven trunks! What with cabs, tips, -fares, excess, and a special omnibus, somebody -owes me one pound thirteen, not to speak of -compensation for the total loss of tea, dinner, -and temper.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Well, you are always -enthusiastic about Flora's clothes. We acted -for the best. We couldn't tell exactly what -would happen. Fortunately the Bishop saw -at once that it was his duty to take things in -hand himself.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> I should say that what the Bishop -saw was a chance of getting himself into one of -your books, mater.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> That also is possible.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> (<i>Imitating the</i> <span class="smcap">Bishop</span>.) "Need I -say more?" What a cuckoo!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Charles!</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Cedric</span>, <span class="smcap">L.</span>) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Has that dashed Bishop actually -departed? I began to think he was going to -spend the night here.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Cedric! I am ready to -make great allowances, but I <i>really</i> do not -know what has come over my sons.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Sorry, mother. (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Charles</span>.) Hello! -You back?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Flora's told you it's all -arranged for noon to-morrow?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> No. Haven't seen her.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Well, it is. And now, my -boys, you can't stay any longer in your -mother's study. My article for "Harper's" -must absolutely be finished to-night. Your -father and I had been expecting a placid -afternoon and evening of work.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> By the way, Rick. About that -Klopstock business. Of course you've seen -the papers. (<span class="smcap">Cedric</span> <i>nods</i>.)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Oh, yes. I quite intended<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span> -to mention that, Cedric; but really one has -had so many things to think about—and my -article, too! How very awkward it is, isn't it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> I met one of our johnnies at Liverpool -Street, and he was a little excited about -it. And I may inform you it isn't often our -johnnies do get excited.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Oh! (<i>Sits down on sofa.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> He told me they'd received a later -wire at the office, from Breslau, saying that -Klopstock has had a private trial over a -mountain near there—I forget the name—and -done it, my boy! Done it on his head!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Has he, indeed?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> And he'll be over here in a week or -ten days, it seems. They want to know at -the office exactly what you're going to do. -So I told the johnnie I should be seeing you -to-night, and I'd bring an official message. -I had to explain to him a bit what had -happened—couldn't help it. I suppose you'll -be forced to cut the honeymoon next week -and begin to get things into shape at once.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> It <i>is</i> annoying for you, dear, -and for Flora, too!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I shan't do any such thing.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> You surely won't let him——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I shan't do anything for a full month.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Do you mean to say you'll let -Klopstock get in first.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> If Klopstock chooses to try during -my honeymoon, I can't help that, can I? Let -somebody else have a shot. I'm not the only -aviator in England, confound it!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Cedric!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> You're the only aviator in England -that can get in front of Klopstock over -Snowdon.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I can't help that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> But, Cedric—surely your -duty——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Oh! d—— (<i>stopping himself</i>).</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Flora</span>. <i>As soon as she perceives</i> -<span class="smcap">Cedric</span>, <i>who has been hidden from her -by the screen, she makes as if to leave -the room again</i>.)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Recalling her.</i>) Flora.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>With false simplicity.</i>) So you <i>are</i> back, -Charlie. What an angel you've been to worry -yourself with all that big luggage.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlie.</span> Oh! That's all right (<i>surveying -her</i>). I see you had at least one frock in the -portmanteau. We were just discussing the -Snowdon flight. So you two have decided——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> No, we really settled nothing. Cedric -alone settles that, of course. All questions -relating to aeroplanes should be addressed to -the head of the flying department and not to -the firm.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Rising, with restrained savageness.</i>) -I tell you I shall do nothing whatever for a -full month. (<i>Exit</i>, <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> (<i>Trying to break the extreme awkwardness -caused by</i> <span class="smcap">Cedric's</span> <i>behaviour, in a -bantering but affectionate tone</i>.) I suspect the -fact is that the bones of a husband are doubly -precious in her sight.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> But you don't really think -there is any special danger, do you, Flora dear?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Of course not. If I wasn't convinced -that Cedric in his aeroplane is a great deal -safer than Charlie in a motor-car, or Paderewski -at the end of a concert, or a cabinet -minister at a public meeting, should I have -gone as far as marrying him?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Then, seeing how serious it -is for the country, why——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> My dear, you must ask Cedric. I -don't interfere with business.</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Cuthbert</span>, <i>back</i>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cuthbert.</span> A Mr. Frampington, to see the -Bishop, ma'am. I told him his Grace had -gone, and now he asks to see either you or -Mr. Haslam.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Mr. Frampington? Where -is your master?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cuthbert.</span> I believe he's in the kitchen at the -moment, ma'am.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Frampington?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Wasn't that the name of our young -hopeful this morning?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Brightening again.</i>) The imitation -curate? Of course it was!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> But surely——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cuthbert.</span> He bears no resemblance to a -curate, ma'am.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Then it is he! Oh! if it is, do let's -see him! In private life he must be extremely -interesting. (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Cuthbert</span>.) Show him in, -will you, please?</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Cuthbert</span>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Flora—really I don't know -what's come over you all!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> It seems to me that the curate has -come over us all.</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Cuthbert</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Frampington</span> <i>in -tourist attire</i>.)</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Cuthbert</span>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> (<i>In a quite natural, easy tone.</i>) -We meet again. I'm so sorry to disturb you, -Mrs. Haslam, but I'm in a slight difficulty, -and I hoped to find the Bishop here.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> The Bishop left a few -minutes ago.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Won't you sit down? (<i>Outraged glance<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span> -from</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam</span>. <span class="smcap">Frampington</span> <i>sits -down calmly</i>.) May one inquire what this -slight difficulty is?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> (<i>After a little hesitation.</i>) I -suppose the Bishop has explained everything?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> So far as everything is -capable of explanation, yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> I'm glad of that. It makes -the situation so much easier. No doubt the -Bishop gave you all the messages of apology -and regret that I asked him to deliver on -my behalf.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Reach Haslam.</span>) Did he?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> No. He only spoke for -himself.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> That was not nice of him.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> He told us you were a -gentleman——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> Generous!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> And that you had promised -to go to the police-station and give yourself -up of your own accord.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> Quite correct. And as soon -as I'd got something to eat I took a cab and -went to Vine Street. Well, they refused to -take me in.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Refused to take you in!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> Wouldn't even take my name.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> But did you tell them -clearly what you'd done—your crime?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> I was most explicit.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I suppose it <i>is</i> a crime.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> Oh, yes! It's a crime all -right. As far as the Bishop and I could -make out, it means anything up to three -years; but I must say the episcopal library -at Chelmsford isn't very strong in criminal law. -It seems to deal chiefly with vegetarianism -and drunkenness.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Brushing all this aside.</i>) I -may be dull, Mr.——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> Frampington.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> But I don't yet understand -why you've come here.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Mr. Frampington was going to explain -how it was the police-station was so inhospitable.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> The Inspector wouldn't believe -my story. He thought I was a practical joker.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> And don't you think you are?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> (<i>Judicially.</i>) Depends how -one looks at it. I feel sure I should have -been more convincing if I hadn't changed my -clothes. But the Bishop insisted on me doing -that, and so I put on the only suit I had. -And then I found I'd chosen a bad night. -Owing to these vivisection riots, they were -doing a big business in medical students at -Vine Street. In fact, my suspicion is that all -their cells were engaged. And there's another<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span> -thing—I don't think I ought to have gone to -Vine Street. Vine Street specialises in what -you may call West End cases—pocket-picking, -confidence tricks, murder, aristocratic inebriety, -and so on. It runs in a groove. But then -Vine Street was the only police-station that I -was personally acquainted with—a youthful -souvenir of Boatrace night—and so I went -there. It was a mistake.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> I'm afraid you didn't insist.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> Yes. I did. I insisted so -much that at last the Inspector got cross and -said that if I didn't clear he <i>should</i> lock me up.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> And wasn't that enough for -you, my man?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> (<i>Starting slightly at the appellation.</i>) -It was too much. I naturally wanted -to be locked up for the right thing. The -truth is the Inspector thought I was drunk—probably -because I was so calm. One of the -constables said I—er—smelt of drink.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> And did you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> Certainly not. Beyond half-a-pint -of Bordeaux at the Ritz, I assure you I -had had nothing whatever.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> The Ritz?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> Why not, madam?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> As you say, why not!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> It was handy for Vine Street, -and this being my last night of freedom, you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> -see—— As a novelist, Mrs. Haslam, you will -understand I had a natural desire to do myself -well.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> The only thing I understand -is that you seem to have come here for -the pleasure of hearing yourself talk.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> (<i>Rising simply.</i>) I beg your -pardon. I came here to ask the Bishop to -accompany me to the police-station as -corroborative evidence. When your servant -told me he wasn't here, the idea occurred to -me that perhaps some member of your family -wouldn't mind going with me—just to -identify me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Charlie, you'd better go on -your way to the office.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> That's all very well, but——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> It would be very good of you. -But I really think we ought to try another -police-station. Bow Street would be better—more -classical—if it isn't too much off your -beat.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Why don't you go to Liverpool -Street?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> But Liverpool Street is not a -police-station.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> No. But it's a railway station. -Chelmsford isn't the only place it leads to. -There's Harwich, for instance, the continent—— (<i>Smiles.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>In a low voice.</i>) Really, -Flora! Christianity can be carried too far.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Flora</span>.) I should be -caught. And, honestly, I prefer the new -experience which lies before me. It can't last -long. And new experiences are my hobby.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> But this is serious. You mayn't get a -long sentence, but when you're discharged -from prison you'll be a social outcast.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> Oh, no, I shan't. In two years -time I come into twenty thousand pounds.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I see.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Charles</span>.) May I -count on your help? (<i>Bowing adieu to</i> -<span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam</span>.) Madam. (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Flora</span>.) -Mrs. Lloyd, your sympathy is very remarkable, -and I appreciate it. Please accept my -sincerest apologies for any temporary inconvenience -I may have caused you. I assure -you, this morning I didn't realise until afterwards -the awful seriousness of what I'd done.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Neither did I. Well, good luck! -(<i>Shakes hands with him to the deep astonishment -of</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Reach Haslam</span>.)</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<span class="smcap">Frampington</span> <i>goes towards door</i>. -<span class="smcap">Charles</span> <i>uncertainly goes in the same -direction, then stops</i>.)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Frampington</span>.) Just wait in -the hall a moment, will you?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Frampington.</span> Certainly. (<i>Exit back.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Turning to</i> <span class="smcap">Flora</span>.) Well, -it's not often that I'm left speechless——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Look here, mater. You send me off -with this lunatic, but it doesn't seem to have -occurred to you that I've had no dinner. I -haven't even had time to wash.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Before he has finished.</i>) -Why <i>did</i> you shake hands with him, dear? -You were almost effusive.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I felt almost effusive.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> But don't you think he's off his nut?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Whatever he is, he's saved me from -something that's rather awful to think about.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> He's what?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I may as well tell you now—Cedric -and I aren't going to get married to-morrow.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Not going to—— (<i>stops</i>). -But you've just arranged with the Bishop!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I know. But that was simply my -cowardice. The truth is I hadn't the heart to -tell him. I felt that we could express ourselves -more comfortably in a telegram than by -word of mouth.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> <i>We!</i> But—but what's wrong -with to-morrow, Flora?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Nothing. It's no worse than any other -day. Only we aren't going to get married at all.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> But you <i>are</i> married—practically. -I mean——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Shakes her head.</i>) Not even theoretically.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>With a certain dignified -appeal.</i>) Flora, I'm not as young as you are. -I'm a hard working woman. My work is -terribly in arrear. But I've never broken a -contract yet, and I must finish to-night that -article of mine for "Harper's" on "A Remedy -for the Decline of the Birthrate in London -Society." The subject is delicate for a popular -magazine, and I need to have my mind free. -May I beg you to tell me exactly what you -mean, without being too witty?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I'm really very sorry. Very sorry. -If I'm witty, I honestly assure you it's an -oversight. All I can tell you is that Cedric -and I have had an extremely serious difference -of opinion, on a vital matter, and there's no -hope of our views being reconciled, and so we -aren't going to get married.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Not really!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Half to herself.</i>) And this -is all you can find to do, to help me with my -article! (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Flora</span>.) I suppose I must -imitate your calmness.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Winningly.</i>) Oh! please do.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> When did you and Cedric -settle this?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> We haven't settled it. Have we had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> -a moment alone together since we left Pixton? -<i>I've</i> settled it. One person can settle these -things.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Do you mean to say that -Cedric doesn't know what you're telling me?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Not unless he's listening behind the -door. I inform you before anyone.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Of course father and I both -noticed that you were far from being yourselves. -But we put it down to the shock and -disappointment.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> To the Frampington accident? Oh, -no! A Frampington accident might happen to -any unmarried couple. I'm afraid our gloom -was caused by nothing but a terrible fear.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Terrible fear?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Terrible fear lest neither of us would -have the audacity to profit by Mr. Frampington's -revelation.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Audacity! Your audacity -astounds me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Yes, it rather startles even me. Now, -will you mind telling Cedric?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> I! (<i>Looks at her. Then -exit</i>, <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Are you also struck dumb?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> I suppose the kick-up was about—Snowdon -versus honeymoon.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Charlie, how penetrating you are, -really! And you put it in a nutshell.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Well, when we burst into that hotel -this morning I could have sworn something -was wrong. Don't you remember I enquired -what was the matter? And just now when I -was asking Rick what he meant to do, it -didn't want any very powerful penetration to -see that there must have been a hades of a -rumpus between him and you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Puzzlingly.</i>) Oh! Didn't it? And -what's your opinion? Do you think Snowdon -ought to win?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Well, it's fiendishly important.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I know. But don't you think a -honeymoon's somehow more important?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> <i>Some</i> honeymoons might be.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> What should you have done in Cedric's -place?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> But look here, Flo, he <i>has</i> given -way, you know.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Yes, but against his judgment.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Well, he couldn't help that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> You're wrong, Charlie.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Am I?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Couldn't help it? If Cedric can't control -his judgment better than that, in a serious -matter, at the very start of the marriage, so -much the worse for him and for me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Perhaps so.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Charlie, there are some things that -you understand better than Cedric.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> That's what I always say, but no -one believes me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> It's true. Do you know I'm simply -shaking?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Fright? (<span class="smcap">Flora</span> <i>nods</i>.) I can -believe you are, but nobody'd guess it.</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Half-enter</i> <span class="smcap">Cedric</span>, <span class="smcap">L.</span>) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Stopping at half-opened door. To -somebody outside the room.</i>) What's that you -say? (<i>Exit again, leaving door ajar.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> You'd better go. Don't forget the -imitation curate's waiting for you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Frizzle the imitation curate.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> You'll be in the way here—don't you -see?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> But you're sending me off just at -the interesting part. And you'll all be gone -to bed before I get back from the office.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Yes, but I hope we shall all still be -alive to-morrow. Now—there's a dear, before -Cedric comes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> But—is it really serious? (<span class="smcap">Flora</span> -<i>nods</i>.) Then we shan't have to go to Chelmsford -to-morrow? (<span class="smcap">Flora</span> <i>shakes her head</i>.) -Nor any other day? (<span class="smcap">Flora</span> <i>shakes her head</i>. -<span class="smcap">Charles</span> <i>moves reluctantly towards the door</i>.) -Well, I can't realise it, and that's flat. I -say——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Yes?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Would you mind telling father or -mother to see that my supper is set for me -in the garden to-night? And something solid, -too!</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Cedric</span>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I will.</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Charles</span>, <i>back</i>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I see your mother's told you. Well, -what can I say to you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Sitting down.</i>) You might congratulate -me on the way I'm keeping calm -under stress.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> But why do you come in like this and -look at me like this?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Idle curiosity! Having received the -news from the mater, I was absurdly curious -to hear any remarks you might have to make -to me. So I came in—like this.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Cedric, I did it the best way I could. -I thought I would imitate the blandness of -the sham curate. You haven't seen him to-night, -but I may tell you he carries blandness -further than it has ever been carried before.... -I was afraid if I didn't do it at once -it might never be done. I could see the time -going on and going on, and me preparing -myself to do this thing in a nice, kind, tactful, -proper way, exactly as it should be done—and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> -never doing it—never beginning to do it! -And at last finding myself at Chelmsford to-morrow, -and hypnotised by your mother and -the Bishop. Cedric, I'm sure it's a mistake -to <i>prepare</i> to do a thing like this, leading up -to it, and so on. The best plan is to let it -go off with a frightful <i>bang</i>, anyhow, as I've -done! Then the worst happens at the start -instead of at the finish.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I quite see the argument.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>With a nod of the head towards the -door</i>, <span class="smcap">L.</span>) You've told her the reason?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> She'd half guessed it. I made it -seem as plausible as I could, in my taciturn -way. But you know it would need a course -of lectures to explain it properly.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I suppose I ought to depart hence. -Where is your mother now?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> She's briefly stating the facts to the -head of the family.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Cedric, don't you feel as if I'd lifted an -enormous weight off your chest? Candidly!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> No; but I feel as if we'd been sitting -all day in a stuffy railway carriage with a -window that wouldn't open, and there'd been -a collision that had pitched us clean through -it. I've got oxygen, but I'm dashed if I can -feel my legs.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> My dear Cedric, if you were seriously -injured you couldn't talk like that.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<i>Enter</i>, <span class="smcap">L.</span>, <i>during the last words</i>, <span class="smcap">Mrs. -Reach Haslam</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Reach -Haslam</span>, <i>very solemn</i>.)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Has Charlie gone?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Yes. By the way, he wants his supper -set in the garden—he asked me to tell you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Thank you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Something solid, he said.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Sitting down.</i>) Cedric, I -wish your father to hear for himself exactly -what the situation is. I naturally turn to him -and leave everything <i>to</i> him.... Now, father.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> So far as I've gathered, -there seems to be some slight difficulty as to -dates. To-day's the 20th—to-morrow will be -the 21st (<i>looking at date calendar</i>). Yes, -the 21st. Flora thinks the honeymoon -ought to end on the 21st <i>prox.</i>, whereas -Cedric thinks the honeymoon ought to end in -about ten days' time, say 1st <i>prox.</i> The -difference of opinion (<i>ironical stress</i>) on this -highly important matter, this fundamental -matter, is final. Hence Flora has absolutely -decided to break off the marriage.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> That's it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> Nothing could be simpler.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Flora, how can you sit there -and trifle with our deepest feelings, in this -utterly cynical manner?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Persuasively.</i>) I hope we aren't going -to converse as if we were characters in a -powerful novel of modern society. This is -real life, you know, let's talk as if we were -real people—do you mind?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Personally, I am not aware -of being unreal. But <i>you</i> seem to be unaware -that you are playing with tragic things.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> As I told Cedric in the first act——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Staggered beyond measure.</i>) -In the first act!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> My dear. I'm only trying to fall in -with your wish to turn this affair into a -tragedy. If it is a tragedy, the first act -occurred this morning. As I told Cedric this -morning, we've stumbled across a question -of vital principle. Is our marriage to be the -most important thing in our lives, or isn't it? -If it is, then nothing less than an earthquake -could possibly disturb the honeymoon, because -I suppose you'll admit the honeymoon is the -most urgent part of matrimony. If our -marriage is <i>not</i> to be the most important -thing in our lives—all right! That's a point -of view that I can understand; only—I don't -want to get married. And I won't! (<i>Pause.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Cedric, why don't you -speak?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Nothing to say.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Your silence is excessive.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Still persuasively.</i>) We solemnly -arrange our honeymoon. Then Cedric -happens to see a newspaper and he as good -as says, "Here's something more important -than our honeymoon. Our honeymoon must -give way to this." And after all, this terrific -something is nothing whatever but a purely -business matter—something to do with the -works.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Something to do with -England, with Cedric's career, with Cedric's -duty.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Turning to</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Reach Haslam</span>.) -Supposing Cedric one day said he couldn't -attend his father's funeral because his career -called him elsewhere, because England wanted -him, what should you say?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> I probably shouldn't open -my mouth.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> A funeral is different——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> It is. But I can't help thinking that -if circumstances oughtn't to prevent a man -from going to a funeral, they oughtn't to prevent -him from going to his own honeymoon.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I hope you won't lose sight of the fact -that I gave way to you absolutely about five -hours ago.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> That's the trouble.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Father!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> Yes, that's the trouble,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span> -because his giving way to her is a proof that -he didn't share her views. What Flora objects -to in Cedric is not what he does, but what he -thinks. She seems to me to have no use for -free-thinking in a husband.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I won't argue any further.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> But why not? Surely that -is unreasonable.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Because in an argument I always begin -rather well, but in the end I'm apt to get -beaten. So I just stop, especially when I -know I'm right. I'm a short distance woman. -All I say is—can you imagine me—<i>me</i>, -running off to Ostend with a man who had -sacrificed his career, and Snowdon, and all -England, unwillingly, in order to go ... what -gay little suppers we should have together!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> One day, perhaps when it's -too late, you'll realise that a wife's first duty, -and therefore her greatest joy, is to help her -husband. I know <i>I</i> realised it, at once. When -I was married, Reach was only earning three -hundred a year; he was a solicitor's managing -clerk—weren't you, father? I said to myself -that I ought to try to help him, and so I -began to write. And as a wife, I've been -doing my best to help him ever since. After -ten years I thought it advisable for him to -give up the law. How much did I pay -income-tax on last year, dear?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> Nineteen thousand four -hundred pounds.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> I don't boast, but you see -what comes of trying to do one's wifely duty!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Some women can do nothing but earn -money. (<span class="smcap">Cedric</span> <i>begins playing mechanically -with an object on the table</i>.) I can only spend -it. Two different talents! If I had a hundred -pounds to throw away at this moment, I know -what I should spend it on—— (<i>A pause. She -looks round; exerting all her wayward charm.</i>) -Come, why doesn't some one ask me what I -should spend it on?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Gloomily perfunctory.</i>) What -should you spend it on?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I should erect a statue to Mr. -Frampington. It would be a good thing if -there were a few more Frampingtons about, -just to give people who've got as far as the -vestry a chance of reconsidering their position.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Upon my word, Flora -(<i>cuttingly</i>), one would say, from your sparkling -wit, that you were quite in high spirits over -the situation.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Well, my dear, in one way I could cry -my eyes out, but in another I <i>am</i> rather -uplifted when I think of what Mr. Frampington -has saved us from.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Saved you from! (<i>Very -courteously and quietly.</i>) Really, I should<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> -have thought that any woman would have -been more than a little flattered at the -prospect of marrying into the Haslam family, -of being the wife of Cedric. No house in -London is more sought after than ours. It -isn't too much to say that Cedric is now one -of the most celebrated men in England——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Crossly.</i>) Look here, mater—— (<i>He -keeps his head down; he is still playing -with the object on the table.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Sharply.</i>) Cedric! (<span class="smcap">Mrs. -Reach Haslam</span> <i>looks at her husband, as if -expecting him majestically to reprove his son</i>.) -I wish you'd play with something else for a -change.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> I speak kindly, but I speak -plainly, and I'm not ashamed of doing so. I -say one of the most celebrated men in -England. Indeed, it wouldn't surprise me to -learn that among the masses of the people -Cedric is better known even than I am myself.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Mater, I'm off!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Severely to him.</i>) You'll -kindly stay where you are. There are times -when one ought to be frank. (<i>Still very -courteously and quietly to</i> <span class="smcap">Flora</span>.) You know -I was not at first altogether in favour of this -marriage—not what could be described as -uncontrollably enthusiastic about it. I have -appreciated your excellent qualities, but——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Smiling.</i>) Please don't expose me. -Comfort yourself with the thought of what -Mr. Frampington has saved <i>you</i> from.</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<span class="smcap">Mr. Reach Haslam</span> <i>rises softly and -goes towards door, back</i>.)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Where are you going, -father?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> I thought I'd just make sure -about Charlie's supper, before it slipped my -memory. (<i>Exit back.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Turning to</i> <span class="smcap">Flora</span> <i>again, -pained</i>.) You are forgetting the terrible -scandal that will ensue if you persist in your -present course, dear Flora. The honeymoon -actually begun! and then—this bombshell! -How shall we break it to the Bishop? How -can I ever look the Bishop in the face again! -How can I ever look anybody in the face -again?... To-day of all days, when my new -book has just come out! And with my article -to finish, on the decline of the birthrate -among the well-to-do classes!... How <i>can</i> we -explain to people that the marriage is broken -off when there's certain to be an account -of the wedding in every paper to-morrow -morning?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> That, at any rate, isn't my fault. By-the-way, -how <i>did</i> that paragraph get into the -"Piccadilly Gazette"? (<i>Mischievously.</i>) I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span> -suppose it must have slipped in while you -were looking the other way.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>With controlled acerbity.</i>) -When you begin to figure prominently in the -life of your country, Flora, you'll understand, -perhaps, a little better than you do now that -newspaper reporters, whatever their sex, -simply will not be denied. They reside on -the doorstep. One cannot be rude. At least -I can't.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I hope I never shall figure prominently -in the life of my country. But I want to -figure prominently in the life of my husband.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> The newspapers——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Excuse me, mater, but isn't this right -off the point?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>To herself.</i>) And I was -looking forward to a quiet half hour with my -press-cuttings!</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Silence.</i>)</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Reach Haslam</span> <i>cautiously, back</i>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Mildly cheerful.</i>) Well, -where have you got to?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I think we're gradually working back -again to the importance of marriage in the -life of the husband.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> That's better! That's -better! (<i>Sits.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Flora, you'll pardon me<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span> -offering my opinion, as an experienced student -of human nature, but when you say "the -importance of marriage," I think you really -mean your own individual importance. Personal -vanity is very misleading.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Oh! It is.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Your attitude might be -more defensible if you were a different <i>kind</i> -of woman. I don't say it would be more -defensible, but it might be.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Oh, look here, mater——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Cedric, may I venture to -converse in my own study?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Cedric</span>.) Don't you understand -that this is not your act? (<i>Rising.</i>) How a -different kind of woman?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Quietly courteous.</i>) I mean, -if you brought more to the marriage.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Money? I'm not rich, but you see -I'm rich enough to despise ten thousand -pounds.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Protesting.</i>) Flora! Please -don't mention such a thing! Have <i>I</i> mentioned -it? I think we Haslams are as capable -as anybody of despising ten thousand pounds. -(<i>Very kindly.</i>) No, I mean, if you had more -to show in the way of—shall I say?—striking -personal talent. You can have no <i>rôle</i> except -that of wife, purely social and domestic. And -yet your attitude seems somehow to claim the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span> -privileges of a—a great singer, or a great -pianist, or——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> A great novelist?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Imperturbable.</i>) No, no. -I was thinking more of public performers.... -Genius.... If you had genius, talents. Mind, -I'm not blaming you for not having them. I -make no reflection whatever.... Of course -you are good, I hope, and you're beautiful.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> So they say.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> But beauty is a mere gift—from -heaven.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> My dear, what's the difference between -a talent, and a gift from heaven? I remember -not very long since you were really quite -annoyed because the "Saturday Review," I -think it was, referred to you as "Mrs. Reach -Haslam, the talented novelist." Whereas you -are constantly being called the "gifted -novelist," and you like it. (<i>She begins to sit -down.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> Pardon me. "Like" is too -strong a word. My wife prefers to be mentioned -as "Mrs. Reach Haslam," simply—don't -you, dear? One doesn't expect to read -in the papers "Mr. Balfour, the talented -statesman," "Lord Northcliffe, the talented -statesman." One expects only "Mr. Balfour," -"Lord Northcliffe."</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Waving him graciously into<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span> -silence.</i> <i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Flora</span>.) I willingly admit, dear, -that in its origin a talent—like mine, if you -insist—<i>is</i> a gift from heaven. But what years -of study are necessary to perfect it! Whereas -mere beauty, charm——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Having sat down, and finally arranged -her fan and shawl, etc.</i>) It's taken me at least -seven years of intense study to learn to sit -down like that—and in another two years I -shall do it even better. (<i>With a delightful -smile.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Graciously lenient.</i>) But -seriously——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Seriously? (<i>Stopping, in a different -tone.</i>) My dear, did the Bishop say anything -when I left the room?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Say anything! About what?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> About me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> He remarked that you were -a ravishing creature.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Jokingly?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> No. He was quite serious.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> That's just it. If it was only frivolous, -empty-headed boys who were serious about it, -but it isn't. The most high-minded, middle-aged -men are serious about it. Why, even -chaffeurs and policemen are serious about it. -There must be <i>something</i> in it. Wherever I -go people are more serious about me than -about anybody else—even if singers and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span> -pianists happen to be present. If I arrive -late at the theatres I'm the play for at least -two minutes. And I assure you in the streets -it often occurs that men I don't know hurry -after me very seriously about it—even if I'm -veiled. And yet you and I have the same -dressmaker! It's always been like that—ever -since my first marriage. And it's getting -more and more marked. I don't mind telling -you, my dear, that my own secret view of my -importance is perhaps as modest as yours is -of yours—but what can you and I do against -the universal opinion? I've begin to bow -before the storm. It's the wisest course. -You talk about what I bring to the marriage -(<i>proudly</i>). I bring to the marriage the gift -of heaven, cultivated by the labour of a lifetime, -and, as to its value, there's only one -estimate, except yours (<i>with a catch in her -voice</i>)—and Cedric's! Cedric puts an aeroplane -higher.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I beg your pardon——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>With emotion.</i>) Yes, you do! Yes, -you do! When there came a conflict between -my honeymoon and your aeroplane, you decided -instantly against the honeymoon, before -I'd even been asked! You didn't even consult -me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Aeroplane! Aeroplane! You keep -on saying aeroplane, but——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Calmer.</i>) Listen. I know you've -given way. I know you've offered not to -sacrifice the honeymoon, but don't you really -think still in your own mind that the honeymoon -<i>ought</i> to be sacrificed? (<span class="smcap">Cedric</span> <i>does -not answer—pause</i>.) You know perfectly well -it's a relief to you that I've cried off! Come, -honestly now?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Warningly, under his breath.</i>) -Not <i>too</i> honestly.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Quietly.</i>) Yes, I <i>do</i> think part of the -honeymoon ought to be sacrificed. And I -never dreamed that you would think otherwise. -It's a difference of opinion that simply -staggers me. It doesn't only stagger me—it -frightens me. It makes one reflect, you know.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Then you <i>are</i> relieved? You're -grateful.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Moved and stammering.</i>) I ought to -be. Of course you're the only person who -could cry off.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> What do you mean?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Some things a man can't do.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Do you sit there and say that if I -hadn't cut the knot, you'd have gone on, and -you'd have let me go on, with a marriage you -didn't believe in? Because you're a man, and -there are some things a man can't do! Can't -a man show as much pluck as a woman? -That <i>does</i> settle it! (<i>Controlling herself.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Flora, you'll regret you've -thrown Cedric over. You'll certainly want to -come back to him.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Disdainfully.</i>) Shall I! (<i>Politely.</i>) -Good-night, Mrs. Haslam.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> But where are you going?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I don't know. How can I stay here? -My official connection with this house is -ended. I shall go to a hotel. Good-night. -<i>So</i> many thanks!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Rising and going to her; -firmly.</i>) I'm sure you'll oblige me by not -scandalising the servants. You can choose a -hotel to-morrow morning. I'll go with you -to your room, if I may. All your trunks will -be up there by this time.</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smcap">Flora</span>, <i>submissive, and</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. -Reach Haslam</span>, <i>back</i>.)</p> - -<p>(<span class="smcap">Mr. Reach Haslam</span> <i>slowly prepares -for work at desk</i>.)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I'm off into the garden. (<i>Pulls out -his cigarette case.</i>) (<i>Exit</i>, <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Aside as</i> <span class="smcap">Cedric</span> <i>goes</i>.) -Nincompoop!</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Reach Haslam</span>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Dear, before I go on with -that article, I should like to make a few notes<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> -on Flora's demeanour, while the thing's fresh in -my mind. One never knows when that kind -of stuff won't come in useful.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Where's the boy?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> In the garden. (<i>Half to -himself.</i>) Of all places!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Collecting her thoughts and -beginning to dictate.</i>) "Essentially hysterical -in a crisis, but does not pull a face before -weeping, probably owing to advice from -toilette specialist." Yes, full stop.</p> - -<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Curtain.</span>) -</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2><a name="ACT_III" id="ACT_III">ACT III.</a></h2> - -<p><i>Garden of the</i> <span class="smcap">Reach Haslams'</span> <i>house in Palace -Gardens. House front to the left. At the -back, shrubberies and trees. In centre, an -arbour or pergola, with the open side to the -footlights. Under the shelter of this a table, -with remains of a meal.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Time</span>: <i>Next morning 4 a.m. Magnificent sunrise</i>.</p> - - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric</span> <i>is sitting at the table, having finished -eating. He is still in evening dress, and -dishevelled.</i></p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Charles</span> <i>through shrubberies from -back. He wears the same costume as in -previous act, with hat, stick, etc.</i>)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Hello?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> So <i>you're</i> here, are you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Wiping his mouth.</i>) I am.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Well, what's happened?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> What do you mean?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> What do I mean? You and Flora, -of course!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Nothing more.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Then is it off?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>With a nervous laugh.</i>) Right bang -off! (<i>Pause.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> You look as if you'd been up all night.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Nods.</i>) What time is it? My watch -has stopped.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> About four. I'm a trifle late. (<i>Sits -down to table.</i>) Well, my boy, I've got a bit -of news for you. I don't know whether it'll -influence you, but—— (<i>startled</i>). Look here, -have you been eating my supper?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Was it for you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> I must say this really is a bit too -thick!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> How should I know it was for you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Of course you knew!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> It was all laid here. The fact is, I -went off to sleep. I must have slept solid for -about four hours. When I woke up just now, -I was as hungry as a dog, so I just—I never -thought——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Never thought be damned!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Awfully sorry. Here's some bread. -What's this news?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> (<i>Taking bread.</i>) What's the good -of being sorry? It was entirely on account -of you I had no tea yesterday and no dinner -either, and now I'm dashed if you haven't -gone and eaten my supper too!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> What's this news?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> (<i>Eating.</i>) If I hadn't had some -sultana at the office I don't know what I -should have done. I've a good mind not to -tell you! (<i>Taking paper from his pocket.</i>) -Here! This is a second edition, just off the -machines (<i>opening paper</i>). Oh, curse! Mind -the ink! (<i>Looking at his hands, after giving -paper to</i> <span class="smcap">Cedric</span>, <i>who examines it</i>.) There -you are! (<i>indicating a paragraph in the paper</i>).</p> - -<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Cedric</span> <i>reads, then rises</i>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>After reflection.</i>) See here, boy. -You just go to bed out of the way and don't -ever let on that you've shown me this paper -or even knew what there was in it. Do you -hear? (<i>Putting paper in his pocket.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> I hear. But why?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Never mind why.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> But the newsagent will deliver the -mater's copy here at eight o'clock, and by -half-past eight you may bet everybody in -the place——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I'm going to do something long before -eight o'clock.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> What are you going to do?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I'm going to see Flora, and tell her -I've altered my view completely. If she knew -I'd seen the paper she'd be bound to think -I'd only come round because of <i>that</i>, and she -wouldn't listen to me—don't you see, idiot?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> I see. But haven't you altered your -view because of that?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Coldly.</i>) What's that got to do with -you? The point is that at any rate I can go -honeymooning now with a free mind. That's -the point.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> And do you reckon all this'll be on -the straight?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I don't care whether it's on the straight -or not. (<i>Savagely.</i>) <i>I've got to have that -woman</i>—confound her! and I'm going to.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Where is she?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> She's in the spare room next to the -mater's.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> And how do you intend to get at her?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I'm going to call her, and ask her to -dress and come down at once. Then I shall -talk to her, here. With a bit of luck I may -be off with her and on the way to Colchester -at six o'clock. Is there plenty of petrol in the -stable?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Yes. I say—it's not <i>right</i>, you -know!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Shut up. (<i>Going.</i>) Did Fisher clean -the car last night?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> How do I know? He ought to have -done. I say——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Stopping.</i>) Well?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> I suppose you don't want any advice -from me?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> No. (<i>Turns and stops again.</i>) What?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> I was only going to say that you'd -better change those clothes and make yourself -look less of an absolute waster.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Well, of course! I expect I can -dress quicker than she can, can't I? I've -thought of all that.</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>He turns finally to leave.</i>) -</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Flora</span> <i>from house, meeting him. -She is fully dressed in morning street -attire, and carries a handbag.</i>)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Staggered.</i>) <i>Good</i> morning!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Staggered.</i>) Good <i>morning</i>!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Hello, Flo! What's the meaning of -this?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Couldn't sleep.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Hastily and nervously.</i>) I shall be -down in two jiffs. (<i>Aside to</i> <span class="smcap">Charles</span>.) See -you don't let her go. (<i>Exit into house.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I guessed you'd be having your supper -just about now. That's why I came down -here.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> (<i>Pleased.</i>) That's fine. Only I'm -not having my supper. Cedric's eaten it all. -He's been out here all night, and he's eaten -it all—except this (<i>showing bread</i>).</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> My poor boy! But here's a couple of -bananas. Have you ever tried banana sandwiches?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> No. Are they any good?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Are they any good! Never had a -banana sandwich! Shall I make you some?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> I wish you would. (<i>Silence, while -she sets about sandwiches.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Well, how long shall I have to wait?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Wait?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> To hear what happened to Mr. -Frampington, of course. Did they take him -in at Bow Street?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Oh, yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Do you know—I'm rather sorry. -Somehow I should have liked him to get -clear away. Here! (<i>Gives him a sandwich, -which he eats. Then solemnly</i>) Now, Charlie, -I'm going. I want to be gone before anybody's -up.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> What occurred last night?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Oh! terrific scenes! terrific scenes! -and I really can't face your mother this morning -at breakfast. I couldn't do it. And it's -quite unnecessary. So I'm going to the Great -Western Hotel. I shall pretend I've arrived -by a night train. And I want you to see that -my trunks are brought there later. Here! -(<i>Gives him another sandwich.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> All serene! Thanks! (<i>After -thought.</i>) I say—<i>I</i> rather like Frampington, -too.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Why?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> I don't know. It's due to him—somehow—I -feel like you feel.... I say, Flora, -has it ever occurred to you that I'm a mere -cipher in this house?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Really?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> I'm nobody. I'm pitched about -everywhere.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> You don't mean—my trunks?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Not a bit. Of course I don't. I -mean the way they treat me. Here Cedric's -a perfect duke, in his own line. But will he -have me on the works? Not much. Says I -must strike out for myself, and all sorts of -tommyrot. And in the end I'm set to night-work -like a blooming nigger. People might -think we were hard up for five quid a week, -instead of simply rolling in coin—rolling in -it! Why shouldn't I go round the world or -something! I'm only twenty-two.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> That all?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> I go out and work all night. Then -I come home and discover Cedric couldn't -find anything better to do than eat my supper. -Five servants in this house. But do you -suppose there'd have been the least chance of -me getting anything to eat before eight -o'clock, at the earliest, if you hadn't invented -these sandwiches? Not much! Thanks! -(<i>Takes two more.</i>) But that's not what I -meant. What I really meant was—who intro<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span>duced -my people to you? I did. I knew -you at the Baths Club six months before his -lordship Cedric and the mater kindly invited -themselves to have tea with me there, and -then I didn't count any more! Cedric simply -shovelled me up and chucked me into a corner. -In less than twenty-four hours he was in love -with you. But did he ask my permission? -Did he think about me for one instant? Not -much! The fact is, they simply make use -of me ... and so—I rather like Frampington. -Understand?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Of course, I'm sorry about what's -happened—as far as you are concerned. But -as far as Cedric's concerned, I can't help -thinking it serves him jolly well right. -Cedric's too cocksure—in everything.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> That's quite true.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> (<i>Hesitating.</i>) Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> What else have you got on your mind?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Well, I don't know if I ought to -tell you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Certainly you ought to tell me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> You think so?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Unless, of course, you agree with all -the things your dear mother's been saying -to me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> It's about Klopstock.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> About Klopstock?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> He's had an accident.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> What?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Broken his leg.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> How? Came down too quickly?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> No. Driving to his hotel last night -his motor ran into a statue of Bismarck, and -he was thrown out.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Motor cars are really too dangerous. -I wonder any aviator cares to trust himself to -them.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> (<i>Admiringly.</i>) Now it's very funny. -I often want to say things like that, only I -can never think of them. Cedric—he can -come out with them sometimes, and so can -the dad. But you're the only woman I ever -struck that could.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Charlie, you're a dear. I suppose -he'll be laid up for five or six weeks.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Who? Klopstock? You bet. You -see what it means?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Quite. What I don't see is why you -should have hesitated to tell me about it. -I suppose you've told Cedric?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Yes. I brought an early copy of -the paper with it in.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Where is it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Cedric's cleared off with it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Well, if Cedric knows, why shouldn't I?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Ask me another! Look here, I'm -giving the show away, but I've got my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span> -conscience to think of. This is a serious -matter. I mean—really serious! I don't like -it, but it's my duty to warn you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Well?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Cedric told me I wasn't to say a -word. He said I wasn't to let on that I'd -told <i>him</i>.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> And did you promise?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> I should think I didn't. Not me!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Had Cedric been out here all <i>night</i>?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> Yes. Told me he slept like a top -in that chair, then woke up and ate my -supper.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> But why should he want you not to say -anything about Klopstock? (<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Cedric</span>, -<i>in a lounge suit, somewhat awry, with a hat</i>. -<span class="smcap">Flora</span> <i>continues in the same tone to</i> <span class="smcap">Charles</span>.) -Here, have this last one (<i>offering him another -sandwich. To</i> <span class="smcap">Cedric</span>). It appears you've -been eating what doesn't belong to you. So -I've done my best with bananas and stale -bread to fill the breach.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charles.</span> (<i>Nervous.</i>) You've forgotten your -hair, my boy.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>With a gesture; low to</i> <span class="smcap">Charles</span>.) -Hook it! (<i>He repeats the gesture.</i>)</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Charles</span> <i>unwillingly, into house</i>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Primly.</i>) I'm just going. I meant -to leave before any of you were up. I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span> -thought that would be the wisest thing to do. -But Charles begged me to stop and look after -him a bit.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> What's he been entertaining you -with?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Oh! his grievances. They're rather -real, you know.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Do you know, when I went in just -now I was meaning to knock at your door -and ask you to get up at once. Curious -thing, that you should have been coming -downstairs at that very moment!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Why this desire to begin the day so -early?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Look here, Flora, let's go, now! -Fisher won't be up, but the car's cleaned and -there's plenty of petrol. Come on. Just you -and I.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Innocently.</i>) Where?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Chelmsford. I can wake the Bishop -and tell him we want the job done at eight -o'clock instead of twelve. Any old verger -and charwoman will do for witnesses. The -thing will be all over before the mater's out of -bed. We can telephone to 'em from Chelmsford -with the pleasing news. (<i>Pause. As</i> -<span class="smcap">Flora</span> <i>says nothing, he continues, rather less -confidently</i>.) It'll give 'em an appetite for -breakfast.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Ironically.</i>) Any other details?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>With rough persuasiveness.</i>) Come -on!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Ironically.</i>) Then you've decided that -we are to get married, after all?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Well, a marriage can't be broken off -like—like this! It's unthinkable. What -would any unprejudiced outsider say, if he -was asked? He'd say we were off our -blooming heads. The thing simply won't -bear examination. (<i>Moves towards her.</i>) -Come——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> And I'm to be carried by storm?.... -Great saving of argument!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Now listen——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Well?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Will you talk man to man? Straight?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> As one honest Injun to another!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Picking up a dish off the table.</i>) If -you make one more joke, I'll smash every -darned bit of crockery on this table. (<i>Gesture -of destruction.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Coldly.</i>) Now if I agree to listen -quietly and talk reasonably, it mustn't be -understood that I'm open to argument. (<i>Sits -down.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> All right, all right!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Because I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. -The thing that's—that's really upset our applecart -may seem perfectly childish to the unprejudiced -outsider. But I don't propose to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> -consult the unprejudiced outsider. Might as -well take the case before a jury and engage a -couple of K.C.'s. You know as well as I -know that it isn't perfectly childish. It isn't -childish at all. Its fundamental. We've been -unlucky. But then in another sense we've -been lucky. We're free. We aren't tied, -thank Heaven. Man to man, Cedric, it would -be too much humiliation—yes, humiliation—for -me to marry anybody that looks on marriage -as you look on it. And as it's just as impossible -for you to change your opinion as it -is for me to change mine, we shan't exactly -go down to Colchester this morning.... More's -the pity.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Well, I <i>have</i> changed my opinion. -So let's go.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> You've changed your opinion? How -have you changed your opinion?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I've sat there all this blessed night -thinking it over.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Really?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Yes. Do you suppose I could sleep -any more than you could? What do you -take me for? The more I thought it over, the -more I saw I'd been mistaken. Now—half a -minute! I can't honestly blame myself, you -know. And so I won't pretend to—especially -as we're talking straight. I told you what I -felt, right out, and then I offered to give way.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> -I couldn't do anything else. Well, you -wouldn't have that. Mind you, I think you -were quite right in refusing to let me give -way against my better judgment. I admire -you for that even more than I did. But I -don't give way now against my judgment—I -give way with it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> But how has your judgment altered? -Why?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I don't know. How <i>do</i> people's -judgments alter? I gradually saw the force -of what you'd said. <i>Of course</i> a man's -marriage must come in front of everything -else! <i>Of course</i> the idea of letting any -business matter interfere with the honeymoon -is monstrous! I cannot imagine how it was -I couldn't see that yesterday. The only -explanation is that up to yesterday I'd never -lived for anything except my job. Force of -habit! One has to get a bit used to a new -state of affairs. I suppose it was the sudden -shock of the news that sent me a bit off the -track. Look here, Flora, you don't want me -to go on in this strain. You don't want me -to grovel. I'm not the grovelling sort ... I -was mistaken.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>In a new quiet tone.</i>) Cedric, what -happened in your mother's study after I went -upstairs last night?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Nothing whatever. I cleared out<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> -instantly afterwards. I've been here ever -since, and I haven't spoken to a soul except -Charlie. Why?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Nothing.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> But why do you say "Nothing" like -that?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Cedric, I was just wondering how this -conversation of yours really did come about. -It occurred to me that perhaps something -might have happened—in business——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Nervous.</i>) How—"something"—in -business?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Something—I don't know—something -that would leave you free after all for a full -month, so that in being converted you wouldn't -have to sacrifice anything at all.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> But how could anything have -happened?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I don't know, but with that telephone -so handy in your mother's study—— All -manner of things happen nowadays over the -telephone—especially in the middle of the -night.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Relieved. Affecting a cheerful irony.</i>) -What notions she does get into her head! -My dear girl, nothing whatever has happened—so -far as I know. Of course nothing <i>could</i>. -My conversion, as you call it, is due simply -and solely to my thinking things over.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Honour bright?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Firmly.</i>) Certainly!... Then you -really imagined I was capable of such a—you -couldn't trust me——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> It isn't <i>you</i> I couldn't trust. It's the -human nature <i>in</i> you that I had my doubts -about. It's always so apt to get the better of -people, and make them play tricks they'd -never dream of by themselves.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Shocked but forgiving.</i>) Fluff!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Somewhat coldly.</i>) I'm only being -man to man.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Look here, Flora, it's barely twelve -hours since that vulgar idiot Klopstock shoved -himself into our honeymoon. Barely twelve -hours. We were in love with each other up -till then, weren't we? (<i>Silence.</i>) Weren't we?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Primly.</i>) Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Very much? (<i>Silence.</i>) I say very -much?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>More primly.</i>) Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Well, if you know as much about -human nature as you make out, you know -perfectly well that we must still be very much -in love with each other. I mean <i>now, here</i>! -Anyone might think, to hear some of the talk -that went on last night, and even to see us at -this moment, that we didn't care twopence for -each other. But a passion won't be knocked -on the head like that. You can't get over it—we're -still damnably in love. We've had a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> -row—good! It's been an infernal nuisance—good! -I've been an ass, if you like—good! -And what then? You're in love with a man -who's been an ass—that's all. But you <i>are</i> -in love with him. Moreover, he's ceased to be -an ass!... Now, Flora, one ass is enough. -Are you going to listen to reason or not?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> But your mother——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Picking up a piece of crockery and -dashing it violently to the ground; then, controlling -himself, after a pause, in a low, tense -voice.</i>) My mother be blowed!</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<i>A pause.</i> <span class="smcap">Mr.</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Reach Haslam</span> -<i>appear at the house-door. They show -surprise at the spectacle of</i> <span class="smcap">Flora</span> <i>and</i> -<span class="smcap">Cedric</span> <i>with an appealing undecided -gesture</i>.)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Advancing to meet</i> <span class="smcap">Cedric</span>.) Cedric!</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<span class="smcap">Flora</span> <i>suddenly perceives</i> <span class="smcap">Mr.</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. -Reach Haslam</span> <i>and completely changes -her attitude, going towards them</i>.)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Really——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Lightly.</i>) So we've <i>all</i> got up with -the sparrows!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> No. These two particular -sparrows have just come out for a breath of -air before retiring to their nest for the day. -(<i>Yawns.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Work is work, young lady,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span> -and insists on being done (<i>with meaning</i>), -whatever else happens or does not happen.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Ah! The birthrate article—has the -poor thing been declining all this time?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Anxious for his parents to depart.</i>) -Mother, you ought to go to bed at once—you -look absolutely exhausted.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Is it surprising? I was -just saying to your father that if this kind of -thing was likely to occur often I should have -to devise some way of procuring tea at -sunrise.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> But do you want some tea?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> I never want what I can't -have. I shall doubtless hold out till eight -o'clock.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Couldn't the dad make you some?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Impossible, child! At four -o'clock in the morning!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> The cook always locks up -the kitchen to keep Cuthbert and Fisher -out.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Seems odd that in a house like this -you can't have a cup of tea whenever you -happen to want it!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Coldly resenting this -criticism of her housekeeping.</i>) Father, shall -we go?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> May <i>I</i> give you some tea?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> It's very good of you to -offer me tea in my own garden, but——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>With great charm.</i>) Not at all. -(<i>Opening her bag.</i>) I have my Thermos. I -filled it yesterday before starting. You see, -we had no programme, and I didn't know -where we might ultimately be landed. Besides, -I never travel without it. (<i>She unscrews the -Thermos flask and pours out the steaming tea -into the patent cover. Then undoes a little -packet containing sugar.</i>) One lump, isn't it? -(<i>Handing the cup, with a spoon, to</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. -Reach Haslam</span>, <i>who accepts it</i>.) Sit down -and drink it. I guessed about forty places -where I <i>might</i> pour that tea out—and they -were all wrong! (<span class="smcap">Mrs. Reach Haslam</span> -<i>discovers that the tea is scalding</i>.) It <i>is</i> hot, -isn't it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Sipping.</i>) I'm afraid you -didn't sleep very well, Flora.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Why?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> You're down so exceedingly -early.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> The fact is, I could not get off to sleep.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Half to himself.</i>) I put a -complete set of my wife's novels in each of -the spare bedrooms only yesterday. (<i>With a -faint air of being puzzled.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Another cup?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> No, thanks. Excellent.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I'm so glad I was here. You know, -it's quite easy to have tea at any hour of the -night. But of course, with all your other -work, you can't be troubled with the little -details of housekeeping.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Nettled.</i>) My <i>other</i> work!... -No doubt when you're settled down with -Cedric you will be able to show him what -true housekeeping really is.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Settled down with Cedric!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> My dear, I had intended to -make no comment on the singular coincidence -of you and Cedric being here in the garden -at four in the morning. I did not mean to -inquire into the significance of this broken -crockery, nor of your attitude and tone to -Cedric before you caught sight of me. But -I am a trained observer. You may remember -that last night——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Mater, why don't you go to bed?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> You may remember that -last night I hinted that before very long you'd -probably be throwing yourself into Cedric's -arms (<i>benevolently</i>). And I'm delighted to -see that pride has not stood in your way. -Delighted! How you got him down here into -the garden I don't know, and it doesn't matter. -(<i>Slight pause.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Cedric</span>.) Anything to say?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> You're quite wrong, mother. The fact -is I've now come to the conclusion that Flora -was perfectly right last night.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> About what?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> In arguing that <i>nothing</i> ought to stand -in the way of the honeymoon. And I've just -been telling her so.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> But he forgot to tell me that there -<i>is</i> nothing now to stand in the way of the -honeymoon.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> What do you mean?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Klopstock has broken his leg and can't -move for at least six weeks. (<i>Startled movement -by</i> <span class="smcap">Cedric</span>. <i>Quietly gracious, to</i> <span class="smcap">Cedric</span>.) -Didn't you know? (<i>Silence.</i>) Cedric, didn't -you know?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>With gruff reluctance.</i>) Yes ... of -course, Charlie gave me away?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Charlie merely told me, as he told -you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Everything is all right, -then.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Do you think so? Cedric and I were -supposed to be talking like honest Injuns——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> Honest Injuns?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Well, as man to man, then. Anyway, -straight! And yet he positively assured me<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span> -that nothing had happened, to influence him -except my arguments. Whereas the fact was -he knew that owing to this broken leg he -could go away with a perfectly easy conscience. -My arguments hadn't influenced him -at all. His principles haven't really changed -at all! But now he's safe as regards Klopstock -he doesn't care a fig for his principles. -His mind is free for pleasure, now—it wasn't -before—and so in order to enjoy himself for a -month he'd sacrifice <i>any</i> principles. Just like -a man, that is! And there's something else. -He was so desperately and madly anxious to -have me that he told another simply appalling -cold-blooded fib. He said he had sat up all -through the night thinking over my arguments, -without a wink of sleep. I suppose he -thought that would touch me. Now the truth -is that he slept very well, and woke up with -such an appetite that he ate the whole of -Charlie's supper except two bananas. I won't -mention his references to his mother. But I -think I've said enough to show that I didn't -come down at four o'clock in the morning -precisely in order to throw myself into your -son's arms. Can you imagine a woman silly -enough to marry a man who on the very day -of the wedding would try to deceive her as -Cedric has tried to deceive me?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Majestic.</i>) Father! We<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> -had better go. (<i>She moves towards house. -After reflection, savagely to</i> <span class="smcap">Flora</span>, <i>over her -shoulder</i>.) I rejoice that the breach is now -definite.</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Exit into house.</i>)</p> - -<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Cedric</span> <i>moodily goes up garden out of sight</i>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Protesting.</i>) Hannah! -(<i>Half to himself, looking at his watch.</i>) An -inflammable hour—four o'clock!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> We seem to be left alone together.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Cheerfully.</i>) Yes, but I -must go.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> However do you manage to be -always so calm and cheerful? I've noticed -you in the most difficult situations——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> You have.... You see I've -my own private life to fall back on.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Interested.</i>) Have you? Where? I -never——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Tapping his forehead.</i>) Here!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I see.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> And my collection—that -always keeps me amused.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> Your collection?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> My collection of private -opinions (<i>tapping his head</i>). Here, too!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>Off.</i>) Father!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. R. Haslam.</span> (<i>With cheerful acquiescence.</i>) -Yes, my dear. (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Flora</span>.) Au revoir, I hope.</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Exit into house.</i>) -</p> - - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<i>Vague noise of</i> <span class="smcap">Cedric</span> <i>privately cursing -behind, out of sight</i>.)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Going up a little.</i>) Cedric, when you've -done swearing up there, I want to apologise -to you.</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Re-enter</i> <span class="smcap">Cedric</span>. <i>They look at each other.</i>) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Apologise?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> My human nature ran away with me. -My human nature couldn't resist the temptation -to fulfil your prayer. You demanded that -your mother should be blowed—and she has -been. Unfortunately it meant you being -blowed, too. Now let's go.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> Go where?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Innocently.</i>) To Chelmsford, of course. -Isn't there a newspaper train about a quarter -past five?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Shaking his head in a maze.</i>) I'm -dashed if I know where I am——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> I'm dashed if you are quite wide awake, -my poor boy. Can't you see how amply -you've proved that you look on marriage as -seriously as any woman could desire—more<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> -seriously than any woman ought to desire. -Last night you hesitated to sacrifice your -aeroplane to me. But this morning you tell -the most frightful lies on the chance of getting -hold of me—although I gave you every -encouragement to be truthful. You take the -most frightful risks of being found out. You'll -run any danger of trouble and unhappiness in -the future if only you can capture me now. -You smash crockery. You behave meanly, -<i>miserably</i>. You forfeit even your own self-respect. -Cedric, that is what I like. It's -just that that shows how much in earnest you -are. Your deeds are far superior to your -arguments.... Cedric——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> What?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> After all, your dear mother's prophecy -was quite correct. I <i>was</i> just going to throw -myself into your arms—but of course I -couldn't do it while she was there, could I? -(<i>Picks up Thermos cup, to screw it on to the -flask, holding it at arm's length.</i>) Henceforth, -sacred!</p> - -<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Cedric</span> <i>roughly seizes her and kisses her</i>.) -</p> - - -<p>(<i>After freeing herself, as she puts the flask in -the bag.</i>) It's a good thing I like them rough.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> What?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> A man—and his chin.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> (<i>Snatching at the bag and looking at -his watch.</i>) Let's go out by the garden.... -Probably find a cab. Motor would make too -much noise, and rouse the mater. She'll never -get over this.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Flora.</span> (<i>Calmly.</i>) Oh yes, she will. We all -shall. (<i>Stops.</i>) But my trunks, and yours?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cedric.</span> I'll wire to Charlie from Liverpool -Street to bring them down.... Confound -him!</p> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Curtain.</span> -</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p> - -<p class="center">The Gresham Press</p> - -<p class="center">UNWIN BROTHERS, LIMITED<br /> -WOKING AND LONDON -</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p> - - -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<div class="bbox"><div class="bbox"> -<h2><a name="ARNOLD_BENNETT" id="ARNOLD_BENNETT">ARNOLD BENNETT</a></h2> - - -<blockquote> - -<p>"It is the style which sets the seal of distinction on Mr. Bennett's -work, and he has not written for the moment but for posterity."—<i>Morning -Post.</i></p> - -<p>"Mr. Bennett writes novels as Fielding, Smollett, Dickens, -Thackeray wrote them—out of the abundance of his imagination, out -of an inordinate eagerness to produce human life in all its profusion."—<i>Daily -News.</i></p> - -<p>"The man is immense. In point of sheer observation, revelation -of character, fictional interpretation, and, above all, in the objective -attitude towards his art, Mr. Bennett stands on this work supreme -in English literature. His technique is consummate. His detail -and paring work, his dramatic sense, his subtlety, his penetration—these -things fill one with wonder."—<i>English Review.</i></p> - -<p>"Mr. Bennett is an astonishingly clever and judicious artist, he -has that sense of life without which no man can be a novelist; he -has humour, and humour's twin brother, pathos; he has all this -and much else as well; but the dominant characteristic of his mind -is its amazing versatility."—<i>Truth.</i></p> - -<p>"Mr. Bennett has the Trollopian gift of engaging our sympathy -with thoroughly ordinary, commonplace, undistinguished, third-rate -people, and investing them with qualities which excite -curiosity and even fascination. He has qualities which place him -in the forefront of living novelists."—<i>Spectator.</i></p> - -<p>"All of us who treasure our Balzac will be grateful for the literary -corner Mr. Bennett is making for himself in English middle-class -life."—<i>Sketch.</i></p> - -<p>"When we read Bennett, apart from the mere acute interest -created by the story he has to tell, we are at once humbled and -exalted by the revelation he forces upon us—humbled by the -mystery and miracle of human existence, exalted by the heavenly -gift of vision which lifts us beyond human despairs. Like Edwin, -at the close of 'Clayhanger,' we find ourselves 'braced to the -exquisite burden of life.' And that is the supreme achievement of -literature."—<i>Glasgow Herald.</i></p></blockquote> -</div> -<div class="bbox"> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span></p> - -<h3>The Regent</h3> - -<p><i>Crown 8vo, 6s.</i> <span class="directline"><i>Fourth Edition</i></span> -</p> - -<blockquote> - -<p>"We doubt whether any of Mr. Bennett's books is likely to give -more unmitigated amusement than 'The Regent'—a book full of -good humour and high spirits."—<i>Spectator.</i></p> - -<p>"Mr. Bennett is in the lightest of moods—the mood of pure high -spirits and burlesque."—<i>Daily Telegraph.</i></p></blockquote> - - -<h3>Clayhanger</h3> - -<p><i>Crown 8vo, 6s.</i> <span class="directline"><i>Eleventh Edition</i></span> -</p> - -<blockquote> - -<p>"In 'Clayhanger' Mr. Bennett has suddenly grown to full -stature, and at no moment of the story does he lose touch with -the warmth and glow of life."—<i>Star.</i></p> - -<p>"Mr. Bennett has here enlisted all the resources of his fertile -intellect, his observation, his keen perception, his essential idealism, -and set himself again to the production of a work that will surely -be memorable."—<i>Daily News.</i></p> - -<p>"A masterly story, well ordered, and alive with interest."—<i>Pall Mall Gazette.</i></p> - - -<p>"It is all admirably done ... masterly studies of feminine -character."—<i>Nation.</i></p> - -<p>"A great book, handled with an immense breadth and spaciousness, -and written in a style of perfect mastery."—<i>Morning Leader.</i></p></blockquote> - - -<h3>Hilda Lessways</h3> - -<p><i>Crown 8vo, 6s.</i> <span class="directline"><i>Eighth Edition</i></span> -</p> - -<blockquote> - -<p>"The book is packed with cleverness."—<i>Standard.</i></p> - -<p>"Mr. Bennett has established himself as a great novelist."—<i>Morning Leader.</i></p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p> - -<p>"A fine book in its truth, its comprehending sympathy, its -courage."—<i>Daily Chronicle.</i></p> - -<p>"Its realism is most expressive, and its artistry of a rare and -excellent kind."—<i>Pall Mall Gazette.</i></p> - -<p>"That 'Hilda Lessways' is as great as 'Clayhanger' cannot be -doubted. It is the epic soul of a woman, and every woman will -see in it a mirror of her own experience. It is full of the pity and -the beauty of life. It is ennobling, assuaging, restoring, and healing -in its vision of existence."—<i>Star.</i></p></blockquote> - - -<h3>The Matador of the Five Towns</h3> - -<p><i>Crown 8vo, 6s.</i> <span class="directline"><i>Second Edition</i></span> -</p> - -<p>A select number of short stories written by Mr. Bennett -during the last few years, now issued for the first time in -volume form.</p> - -<blockquote> - -<p>"Here, as elsewhere, Mr. Bennett has written with the hand of -the master."—<i>Dundee Advertiser.</i></p> - -<p>"A wealth of observation, insight, and creative power has gone -to the making of these tales."—<i>Daily Chronicle.</i></p> - -<p>"As full of subtle variety as the superficial greyness of everyday -life."—<i>Glasgow News.</i></p></blockquote> - - -<h3>A Man from the North</h3> - -<p><i>Crown 8vo, 6s.</i> <span class="directline"><i>Third Edition</i></span> -</p> - -<p>This is a new edition of a novel which has been out of -print for some years.</p> - -<blockquote> - -<p>"It is admirably fresh and brisk, vibrating with a wild, young -ecstasy. It is cleverly written, and strong in appeal to human -sympathy."—<i>Daily Chronicle.</i></p> - -<p>"A book that will come to the jaded novel reader as a splendid -surprise."—<i>Black and White.</i></p></blockquote> - - -<h3>The Card</h3> - -<p><i>Crown 8vo, 2s. net</i> <span class="directline"><i>Eleventh Edition</i></span> -</p> - -<blockquote> - -<p>"Mr. Bennett is in his liveliest form. It is true comedy of -character. He has created a type for eternal laughter ... he -has 'cheered us all up.'"—<i>Morning Post.</i></p> - -<p>"It is full of delightful touches of humour."—<i>Evening Standard.</i></p></blockquote> - - -<h3>Buried Alive</h3> - -<p><i>Crown 8vo, 2s. net</i> <span class="directline"><i>Fifth Edition</i></span> -</p> - -<p>This is a new edition of a novel which has been for some -little time out of print.</p> - -<blockquote> - -<p>"A most delightfully humorous story, which keeps the reader in -a bubble of laughter the whole way through."—<i>Daily Chronicle.</i></p> - -<p>"The novel is one of the most amusing we have read for some -time. The author is to be congratulated on a notable piece of -work."—<i>Birmingham Post.</i></p></blockquote> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p> - - -<h3>Anna of the Five Towns</h3> - -<p><i>Fcap. 8vo, 1s. net</i> <span class="directline"><i>Fourth Edition</i></span> -</p> - -<p>A new edition of a characteristic novel by Mr. Bennett, -which has been for some little time out of print. It is now -issued among Methuen's Shilling Novels.</p> - - -<h3>Teresa of Watling Street</h3> - -<p><i>Fcap. 8vo, 1s. net</i></p> - -<p>To a plot of the highest ingenuity, Mr. Bennett adds -his own minutely humorous and descriptive method. The -volume is issued among Methuen's Shilling Novels.</p> -</div> -<div class="bbox"> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - -<h2><a name="Three_Plays" id="Three_Plays"><i>Three Plays</i></a></h2> - - -<h3>The Honeymoon: a Comedy in -Three Acts</h3> - -<p><i>Crown 8vo, 2s. net</i> <span class="directline"><i>Third Edition</i></span> -</p> - -<blockquote> - -<p>"Full of a fine subtle humour, its dialogue is witty and unconventional, -and its characters all interesting."—<i>Aberdeen Free Press.</i></p> - -<p>"Excellently and wittily done. Far and away the neatest and -best sustained piece of work Mr. Bennett has written for the -theatre."—<i>Outlook.</i></p></blockquote> - - -<h3>Milestones: A Play in Three Acts</h3> - -<p class="center">(With Edward Knoblauch) -</p> - -<p><i>Crown 8vo, 2s. net</i> <span class="directline"><i>Sixth Edition</i></span> -</p> - -<p>This play is perhaps the first attempt to compress into -a single evening's entertainment the spectacle of a man's -whole existence.</p> - - -<h3>The Great Adventure: A Play of -Fancy in Four Acts</h3> - -<p><i>Crown 8vo, 2s. net</i> <span class="directline"><i>Third Edition</i></span> -</p> - -<p>This play gives the history of a very great English -Painter.</p> -</div> -<div class="bbox"> - -<p class="center">METHUEN & CO. LTD., <span class="smcap">36 Essex Street</span>, LONDON, W.C. -</p> - -</div></div> -<div id="transnote"> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2><a name="TRANSCRIBERS_NOTES" id="TRANSCRIBERS_NOTES">TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES</a></h2> - - -<p>Added table of contents.</p> - -<p>Silently corrected simple spelling, grammar, and typographical errors.</p> - -<p>Retained anachronistic and non-standard spellings as printed.</p> -</div> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Honeymoon, by Arnold Bennett - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HONEYMOON *** - -***** This file should be named 50331-h.htm or 50331-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/0/3/3/50331/ - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, Clarity and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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