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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f8da5c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #50195 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/50195) diff --git a/old/50195-0.txt b/old/50195-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 0b7297b..0000000 --- a/old/50195-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,4007 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Practical Etiquette, by Cora C. (N. C.) Klein - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Practical Etiquette - -Author: Cora C. (N. C.) Klein - -Release Date: October 13, 2015 [EBook #50195] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards, Emmy and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - - -PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE - - BY N. C. - - _TWENTIETH THOUSAND_ - - _Entirely Re-written and - Enlarged_ - - CHICAGO - A. FLANAGAN. - - - - - COPYRIGHT, - - 1899, - - BY A. FLANAGAN - - - - -PREFACE. - - -The very extensive sale of Practical Etiquette, a sale that has -required the issuance of a large number of editions of the little -manual, has been very gratifying to its author, as was also the -commission of its publisher to re-write and enlarge the work. This -commission, however, brought with it a keen sense of responsibility, -for the author feels that a new work on etiquette can find a _raison -d’être_ only in a fairly successful attempt at answering practically -every question that can arise concerning social relations, at least -in ordinary social life. But to speak with authority on all matters -of “good form” is to speak dogmatically, and so to speak is in itself -not good form. Nevertheless, and in spite of this dilemma, the author -has attempted herein to decide, when compelled to do so, between -conflicting opinions in mere matters of social custom, and has given -as authority the opinion that seemed to her to conform most nearly -to common sense, embodying such opinion in an unqualified statement -without citing authority. Fortunately, social customs are now so nearly -uniform in all parts of the country, that one familiar with the ways of -good society in the West or in the North, is at home in good society in -the East or in the South. - -The author is under obligation to so many persons for suggestions and -advice, as well as to many authors, that it does not seem best to give -a list of the same, especially as such list could be only a partial -one, for many of her friends would not desire mention of their names. - - N. C. - -_Dec. 1, 1899._ - - - - -CONTENTS. - - - CHAPTER I. - INTRODUCTIONS 7 - CALLS 9 - CARDS 15 - VISITING 20 - - CHAPTER II. - NOTES OF INVITATION 21 - ANNOUNCEMENT CARDS 26 - WEDDING INVITATIONS 30 - ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS 32 - LETTERS 35 - LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION 39 - - CHAPTER III. - DINNERS 41 - LUNCHEONS 44 - BREAKFASTS 44 - TEAS 44 - RECEPTIONS 46 - DANCING PARTIES 46 - CARD PARTIES 47 - WEDDINGS 48 - WEDDING GIFTS 52 - WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES 53 - - CHAPTER IV. - CONVERSATION 56 - CHAPERONAGE 60 - MARRIAGE 62 - DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES 64 - - CHAPTER V. - DRESS 66 - GLOVES 69 - STREET ETIQUETTE 70 - TRAVELING 73 - BICYCLING 75 - TELEPHONING 76 - - CHAPTER VI. - THE TABLE AND SERVICE AT TABLE 79 - HABITS AT TABLE 86 - SERVANTS AND SERVING 94 - - CHAPTER VII. - FUNERALS 98 - MOURNING 100 - - CHAPTER VIII. - POLITENESS OF YOUNG CHILDREN 102 - SCHOOL-ROOM ETIQUETTE 108 - - CHAPTER IX. - OFFICIAL ETIQUETTE 111 - - CHAPTER X. - BUSINESS CORRESPONDENCE 113 - LETTERS OF APPLICATION, ETC. 116 - - CHAPTER XI. - GENERAL HINTS 124 - - - - -INTRODUCTION. - - “True politeness is to do and say - The kindest thing in the kindest way.” - - -If civil law is the outgrowth of regard for other people’s rights, -social law is equally the outgrowth of regard for other people’s -feelings and convenience. Social law is kindness and good-will and the -desire to be agreeable codified. A system of so much importance cannot -be unworthy of consideration. - -The very essence of good manners is self-possession, and -self-possession is another name for self-forgetfulness. Gentility is -neither in birth, manner, nor fashion, but in the mind. A high sense -of honor, a determination never to take a mean advantage of another, -and an adherence to truth, delicacy, and politeness towards those -with whom one may have dealings, are the essential and distinguishing -characteristics of a gentleman. - -Quietness in all things is an essential element to a well-bred person. -He shuns all outward display of his personality; he cares not to be -seen or heard; he eschews noisy and grandiloquent talk; he avoids -showy and noticeable costumes. His voice is low; his words simple; and -his actions grave. He holds himself habitually under restraint; his -words never seem to vibrate with emotion. - -Habits are said to be good or bad as the result of actions that are -right or wrong. A man of good habits is one who has for so long a time -practiced right thinking, speaking, and doing, that he acts properly -from force of habit. - -Good manners are not to be put on for particular occasions, like fine -clothes, but they should be one’s second nature. The simpler and more -easy and unconstrained one’s manners, the more he will impress people -with his good breeding. Affectation is one of the brazen marks of -vulgarity. - -[Illustration] - - - - -CHAPTER I. - -INTRODUCTIONS, CALLS, CARDS, VISITING. - - “A beautiful behavior gives a higher pleasure than - statues or pictures; it is the finest of the fine - arts.”—_Emerson._ - - -INTRODUCTIONS. - -In introducing persons, one should be careful to pronounce each name -distinctly. - -When either name is not perfectly understood, a repetition of it should -be requested of the person making the introduction. When introductions -are given, it is the man who should be presented to the woman; when two -women are introduced, it is the younger who is presented to the elder. -For example, in presenting Mr. Jones to Mrs. Smith, it is Mrs. Smith’s -name that is first mentioned. The word “introduce” is preferred to -“present.” Informal introductions are given by merely mentioning the -names; as, “Mrs. Smith, Mr. Jones,” and this is ordinarily sufficient. - -In introducing two sisters, the elder is “Miss Smith” and the younger -“Miss Virginia Smith.” - -When two women are introduced to each other, it is not necessary for -either to rise; a bow and a smile from each is sufficient. - -A woman does not rise when a man is presented to her, unless he is -very old or is a person of great importance. Upon being introduced, a -married woman may offer her hand to a man but it is not customary for a -young woman to do so. - -It is the duty of a man who attends a private entertainment, to have -himself presented to every member of the family whom he does not know. - -An introduction in the street car is very bad form. - -One should never forget that it is difficult, almost impossible, for -some people to remember names and faces, and that such people actually -suffer from their inability to recognize and call by name persons to -whom they may have been introduced recently. - -It is not uncommon to see one approach such a person, offer her hand, -and say, if there is not an immediate recognition, “I am afraid you -do not remember me,” while the person approached stands in agony, and -gradually makes an apology for her poor memory, and asks the name. - -One who is truly polite, who is at all thoughtful for another person’s -feelings, would not be the cause of such a scene. She would prevent it -by saying: “I am Mrs. Smith. I had the pleasure of meeting you at Mrs. -Brown’s luncheon last Thursday;” or something of the kind. - -Whenever one has reason to think his name or face may have been -forgotten, he should make himself known, in approaching another person, -by giving his name at least. - - -CALLS. - -A first call ought to be returned within a very short time. - -A lady when receiving rises as her callers enter, and they immediately -advance to pay their respects to her before speaking to others. - -A man takes any vacant chair, without troubling the hostess to look -after him. - -A man rises when women with whom he is talking rise to take their -leave. Women calling do not rise unless those who are leaving are -friends older than themselves. - -When taking leave, one ought to choose a moment when there is a lull in -the conversation, and then take leave of the hostess, letting one bow -include the others in the room. - -One month after the birth of a child, a call of congratulation is made -by acquaintances. - -A call of condolence is made within ten days after the death, if the -caller is on intimate terms with the family, or within a month if -otherwise. - -Calls of congratulation are due to the newly married, and to the -parents who gave the invitations to the marriage. - -A man invited by a woman to call upon her, cannot, without great -discourtesy, neglect to pay the call within a week. - -A lady will never keep a caller waiting, without sending word that she -will be in immediately. - -One ought always to return a call, but if the acquaintance is not -desirable, the first call may be the last. - -Some women only rise when their callers leave, others accompany them as -far as the drawing-room door; but it is always polite for a hostess to -accompany her visitors to the front door when they take their leave, -if there is not a servant on hand to open the door for them. The best -bred hostesses even go so far as to accompany their callers to the -elevator in a hotel or an apartment-house. Of course, if one has more -than one caller at a time, it would be discourteous to leave the others -to accompany one to the door; but, otherwise, it is rude to permit a -friend to go to the door alone, and get out as best she may. - -A bride who is “At Home after November first,” should make a point of -literally staying at home for an hour or two every afternoon during -the month of November and the early part of December. She should be -dressed to receive callers, and should have some dainty refreshments -ready to serve,—tea and sandwiches or cake. After the first week of -December the bride may begin to return her calls, calling first on -those who first called upon her, and so on. - -When the “at home” is a large and formal function, with engraved -invitations and all the accessories of hired waiters, an elaborate -repast, floral decorations, etc.,—such as a debutante’s coming out, a -wedding reception, or a reception to celebrate a wedding anniversary, -and other large entertainments of this order,—an after-call is -obligatory. But an ordinary “at home” does not demand another call, -for instance, the reception or “days” a bride has on her return from -her wedding trip, or when she is settled in her new home; or a tea or -“days” for which a hostess informally sends the invitations written or -engraved on her visiting cards, and receives with little ceremony and -serves only a modest menu. On the contrary, the hostess owes a return -call to all who attend; and only those who were invited, but were -unable to be present, are in debt to her. - -The length of time proper for one to stay at an “at home” depends -on circumstances. It is always a compliment to one’s hostess to -make a long visit at “a day”, for it implies that one is having a -pleasant time; but nobody should stay long enough to be a burden on -the hostess’s hospitality, or to detain her from her other guests. If -one finds that she does not know any one present, or if she is not -introduced to a congenial person with whom she can have a pleasant -chat, it would be wise for her to leave after a conventional ten or -fifteen minutes’ call. - -The calling code demands that soon after a second caller is announced, -the caller who was first present shall take leave of the hostess. The -reason for this rule is obvious: visitor number one has already had -a little time of uninterrupted _tête-à-tête_ with the hostess before -visitor number two appeared, and he or she should generously retire -first, so that visitor number two may have the same privilege. But -while this is the law, it depends somewhat on circumstances whether it -is always carried out. If the first caller is an intimate friend of -the hostess, and has come to have a long informal talk with her, and -the second caller is merely a formal visitor whose obvious intention -is to make a ceremonious visit, then the first comer may, with perfect -propriety, outstay the other; or if the hostess has particularly asked -the former to remain until after the latter goes, he may do so, and, of -course, if the first visitor has come for some special reason, and the -visitor who is announced later interrupts an important conversation, -which, for business or other reasons, should be continued, the former -is naturally justified in transgressing the calling code. All things -being equal, however, it is the place of the first comer to be the -first goer; and one must have a very good excuse for outstaying a -caller who comes later. - -Guests who are invited to attend one large reception which is given for -the express purpose of introducing a young woman into society, should -make a call after the reception, but if the _débutante_ is introduced -at a series of “days,” the callers need call but once, on one of the -“days.” - -An invitation to any kind of “day” or reception demands a card from -a person who is unable to attend the function; and the card should -be sent on the day of the reception, even if the invitation to the -function has been already answered, and even if an after-call is in -order. - -When one calls on an acquaintance who is staying with a relative, the -caller should ask for the latter (the hostess), even if she does not -know her, and she should leave one of her own and one of her husband’s -cards for her, as well as one of each for her friend. It is not -obligatory to leave two of her husband’s cards for each woman. Even -in the most formal visiting, it is optional whether one leaves one or -two cards. Probably the hostess will excuse herself altogether; but the -caller must show her the courtesy of asking for her. - -In making a call it is proper to give one’s card to the servant who -opens the door, if it is not a regular reception day; but on such an -occasion the card should be left either in the dressing-room or on the -hall table in passing out. - -In making a formal call ten minutes is quite long enough to stay. - -When one is returning visits and driving, it would be in very bad taste -to have the coachman get off his box and take the card to the door. It -is the woman’s place to deliver her card in person, unless she has a -footman to attend to it for her. - -In making an evening call a man should appear about half-past eight, -and remain an hour. Even if his visit is to the daughter, he should ask -for her mother. - -It is quite proper, when making calls with a friend, for one to write -her name in pencil on her friend’s card, if she has no card of her own -with her. - -Those women whose households are most modest find that the day “at -home” is a great convenience, since, having a special time for -receiving one’s friends, all necessary arrangements can be made -beforehand, and no embarrassing situations are apt to occur. - -When one calls on a friend who lives in a flat, she should, immediately -after ringing, call through the tube her name and that of the person -she wishes to see. - -A man leaves his overcoat, hat, and stick in the hall when making an -evening call; when calling in the afternoon he leaves his overcoat in -the hall, but carries his hat and stick into the drawing-room with him. - -When a daughter is in the parlor, and her mother is entertaining -callers, she should rise when her mother does in bidding them good-day. - -It is very improper for a young girl who is ill to receive men callers -in her room. - - -CARDS. - -When an invitation to a reception is sent in the name of several -women, a guest should leave or send cards for all whose names are on -the invitation. A woman leaves with her own cards the cards of those -members of her family who are unable to call. - -A young woman, when calling upon her friends with a young man who is a -stranger to them, should send his card with her own to the hostess and -other women of the household. - -In making formal calls a visitor invariably hands her cards to the -servant who opens the door with a card tray in her hand; when calling -informally one may simply give her name to the servant at the door, but -then leaves no card later. - -A married woman, when making formal calls, leaves one of her husband’s -and one of her own cards for the hostess and for every other woman she -asks for in the house, and one of her husband’s cards, besides, for -the host; but, while this is the rule for formal visiting, it is quite -permissible for a married woman, when calling on a number of women who -reside in the same house, to leave, besides her own and her husband’s -for the host and hostess, only one more of each for all the others. - -In making formal visits, and subsequent calls after the first formal -visit has been made, a married woman need leave only one of her -husband’s cards with her own; and in making a call in acknowledgment of -an invitation to an entertainment to which she alone was invited,—such -as a woman’s luncheon,—she should leave only one of her own. - -The fashionable visiting card varies in size; but for a married woman -it is generally pure white and very thin, with the name engraved in -ordinary script. For a woman who lives in the country, it is in good -taste to have the name of her country place put just where, if she were -in the city, her town address would be, which is in the left hand lower -corner. - -If a woman receives “at home” cards for “Tuesdays in February,” and is -prevented from calling on any of the Tuesdays, she should send her card -in an envelope, either by hand or mail, on the first Tuesday, and call -on the hostess at the earliest opportunity on some other day. - -A man should use a card engraved, as “Mr. George Wellington Smith,” not -omitting the prefix, with the address in one corner, if desired. The -size of the card varies from time to time, but it is smaller than a -woman’s card. - -The names of mother and daughter or daughters are often engraved on one -card; as, - - ................................. - . . - . MRS. JUDSON BROWN. . - . MISS ANNA BROWN. . - . . - ................................. - - ........................... - . . - . MRS. JUDSON BROWN. . - . THE MISSES BROWN. . - . . - ........................... - -The following is the usual form for an unmarried woman’s card: - - ........................... - . . - . MISS MAY BROWN, . - . . - . 12 PINE ST. . - ........................... - -It is quite proper for a woman to retain her deceased husband’s name on -her visiting cards; as, “Mrs. John Smith.” It is equally proper for her -to use “Mrs. Jane Smith” for the purpose. - -When a caller is met by the hostess at the door, she should drop her -card in the card receiver or leave it on the hall table on her way out. -The object of such a card is not to introduce people when visiting, but -as a reminder of the visit. - -“P. P. C.” cards should be left on the occasion of a long absence (of -over three months); on leaving town at the close of the season; on -leaving a neighborhood where one has resided for years, or where one -has resided for months and sometimes only for weeks, but not when -changing houses in the same neighborhood, not even when about to be -married, unless one’s future home is to be in another city. The words -_pour prendre congé_ signify to take leave. - -“R. S. V. P.” means “_Repondez s’il vous plait_,” which is the French -for “Answer, if you please.” - -Turning down the corner of a visiting card, meaning that the call was -made in person, is no longer in vogue. One might leave her card in -person, writing on it “With kind inquiries,” when sickness or death has -entered the household of a friend, and thus show a delicate courtesy. - -It is proper for a hostess to shake hands with a man visitor on his -arrival and at his departure. - -It is an evidence of very bad taste for a young woman to send wedding -cards to a married man without including his wife’s name, even if she -has no acquaintance whatever with her. - -A young girl who is not “out” does not have visiting cards. If she is -the oldest or only daughter and is in society, her cards have upon them -“Miss Smith.” - -A woman should never ask a man formally calling to take his hat, or a -woman to lay aside her wraps. - -A card sent to an afternoon reception represents one’s self. It should -be sent either by mail or messenger, and never by a friend to deposit -upon the receiver with her own card. - - -VISITING. - -A guest should always ascertain what are the usual hours of rising, -taking meals, and retiring, and then conform scrupulously to them. - -Guests should give as little trouble as possible, and never apologize -for the extra trouble their visit necessarily occasions. - -If a ride, drive, or walk is proposed by one of the family -entertaining, a guest should acquiesce as far as her strength will -allow, and do all in her power to seem pleased by the efforts made for -her entertainment. - -Upon taking one’s departure, it is expected—and reasonably, too—that -some acknowledgment be made of the pleasure that has been afforded one. - -It is also proper upon returning home to inform the friends just left -of one’s safe arrival. - - - - -CHAPTER II. - -NOTES OF INVITATION, ANNOUNCEMENT CARDS, WEDDING INVITATIONS, -ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS, LETTERS, LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. - - “Politeness is one of those advantages which we never - estimate rightly, but by the inconvenience of its - loss.”—_Samuel Johnson._ - - -NOTES OF INVITATION. - -Notes of invitation for evening parties are issued in the name of the -lady of the house; as, - -_Mrs. James Little requests the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. George White’s -company on Monday evening, March seventeenth, from nine to twelve -o’clock._[A] - -The expression “presents compliments” is obsolete, as is also the -term “polite,” which was formerly used in acceptances or regrets. The -English form of “kind” or “very kind” is now substituted in its place. - -A very acceptable form of invitation for a mother (if the mother is not -living, the father’s name may be so used) and daughter is this: - -_Mrs. and Miss Graves at Home, Thursday, October twenty-seventh, from -eight to eleven o’clock._ - -When a very large dinner party is to be given, the invitations should -be issued at least two weeks in advance; and if some very celebrated -people are to be invited, twenty-one days should elapse between sending -out the invitations and the day of the function. For a small affair ten -days’ notice is sufficient. Invitations to large teas should be sent -out fourteen days in advance, but for small ones a week’s notice is -sufficient. - -In answering an invitation sent out in the name of both mother and -daughter, one should address the mother. - -When sending out invitations to evening parties, it is customary to -denote the amusement feature, if there is to be one, by naming it -in the lower left hand corner; as, “Dancing,” or “Cards,” or “Fancy -dress and masks.” The hour is designated thus: “Dancing after nine,” -or “German at eight o’clock,” or “Supper at half after seven,” and -underneath “Dancing.” Sometimes a separate card is enclosed, reading -“Dancing at nine o’clock.” - - _Mrs. George Brown requests the pleasure of Miss Lee’s - company on Tuesday evening, January seventh, at nine - o’clock._ - - _Dancing._ _221 Thirty-fifth Street._ - -The correct form of invitation for an entertainment where an -elocutionist is to be the principal feature is worded as follows: - - _Mrs. James Smith requests the pleasure of Mr. and - Mrs. Brown’s company on Thursday evening, December the - first, at eight o’clock._ - - _124 Jewell Avenue._ - - _Reading by Professor William White._ - -An invitation to a rose or lawn party might read thus: - - MRS. JAMES SMITH. - THE MISSES SMITH. - AT HOME - TUESDAY EVENING, JUNE THE TWENTY-EIGHTH, - AT EIGHT O’CLOCK. - - ROSE PARTY TO MEET - 212 SHERIDAN AVENUE. THE MISSES WHITE. - -In writing invitations for a club for which one is acting as secretary -it would be wise to put them in the third person, and then there would -be no embarrassment about the arrangement of names. - -The words “reception” and “at home” are synonymous. Each means an -entertainment which takes place between certain stated hours in the -afternoon or evening, where refreshments are served, and no especial -order of amusement is provided, unless it is specified in the -invitations. To a “reception” or “at home” the hostess generally sends -invitations to all on her calling list. These large functions are -usually given for some especial purpose; as, to introduce a _débutante_ -into society, to celebrate a wedding anniversary, or for the bride and -groom after the wedding ceremony, or merely that the hostess may meet -all her friends. - -There is, however, a decided distinction between a reception or an “at -home” and a tea or “days.” An invitation to the first is engraved on a -sheet of note paper or a large sized card, and is formally worded. The -hours for the afternoon function are usually from four until seven, -and one may expect to find at the house or place of entertainment -decorations of flowers and greens, and quite an elaborate repast -provided; but an invitation to a tea or to “days” does not imply that -anything but the simplest kind of menu will be served, nor that any -but simple preparations will be made. The invitations to the latter -entertainments may be the hostess’s visiting cards with the address -and “tea at four o’clock” written in one corner; or if the hostess -prefers to receive informally on more than one day, she may have the -form “Fridays,” or “Fridays in February,” or “First and third Fridays -in February,” or whatever days she chooses, written or engraved on her -cards. - -The formal luncheon hour is from one to two o’clock. Afternoon teas are -usually at five. One’s visiting card can be used only for an invitation -for an afternoon “at home;” invitations to dinner or luncheon must be -written out. In sending out cards for a tea one should simply write the -date and the hour in the lower left-hand corner; in sending a note, -whether by messenger or post, the number of the house and the name of -the street should be written out in full. - -The following is a good form of invitation to an “at home” given by -several women: - - MRS. JAMES SMITH - MRS. CHARLES WHITE - MRS. FREDERICK BROWN - AT HOME - SATURDAY, APRIL THE SIXTEENTH - AT FOUR O’CLOCK - 112 MADISON STREET - -The usual form of an invitation to a luncheon is as follows: - - MRS. JAMES BROWN - REQUESTS THE PLEASURE OF YOUR COMPANY - AT LUNCHEON - ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL THE SIXTH, - AT ONE O’CLOCK. - -Below this and to the right would be the address, and the date on which -the invitation is written. - -The invitation for a musical may be worded as follows: - - _Mrs. James Smith requests the pleasure of Miss Brown’s - company on Friday afternoon, March seventeenth, at two - o’clock._ - - _Music._ - _R.S.V.P._ _24 Queen Avenue._ - - -ANNOUNCEMENT CARDS. - -The simplest way to announce an engagement is for each of the engaged -couple to write short notes of announcement on the same day to each -one’s relatives and near friends. All these notes are sent so that they -will be received at the same time. They are written in the first person -on dainty note paper, and the best form is the simplest. The character -of the note must depend on the intimacy between the writer and the -recipient. - -A pretty and fashionable sequence to the announcement is for the bride -to give a tea for the express purpose of receiving congratulations. -She may mention it in her notes of announcement, and her _fiancé_ may -mention in his notes that she will be at home on a certain day at a -certain hour. She should then receive with her mother or some older -relative, and she should have some light refreshment provided for her -callers. All her young friends will call, and all the relatives and -near friends of her _fiancé_. The _fiancé_ should be present at the -tea, or he may come before it is over, but he should not formally -receive with his betrothed. - -Engagements are often announced in the newspapers. - -Wedding announcements or invitations should be sent in envelopes -addressed to the father and mother of the family, to the daughter or -daughters (addressed as the Misses), and to each of the grown sons. -All these invitations in their envelopes may be enclosed in an outside -envelope addressed to the parents. - -A wedding invitation or announcement card should always be addressed to -both members of a married couple, even if the bride or groom who sends -it is acquainted with only one. - -The correct form for wedding announcement cards is as follows: - - MR. AND MRS. JOHN SMITH - ANNOUNCE THE MARRIAGE OF THEIR DAUGHTER, - ANNA - TO - MR. FRANK BROWN - ON SATURDAY, OCTOBER THE TWENTY-SECOND, - EIGHTEEN HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE. - WASHINGTON, D. C. - -The bride’s “at home” cards should be separate, but enclosed with the -announcements, and should read as follows: - - AT HOME - TUESDAY AFTERNOONS IN JANUARY. - 125 WEST FIFTEENTH STREET, - NEW YORK CITY. - -Announcement cards should be sent out immediately after the wedding -to every one on the bride’s and groom’s list. And, again, wedding -announcement cards need not be sent out in any one’s name. The -following is an example: - - MARRIED - ON WEDNESDAY, JANUARY THE EIGHTEENTH, - EIGHTEEN HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE - AT ST. THOMAS’ CHURCH - NEW YORK, - MARGARET BAKER WHITE - TO - WILLIAM BARTON. - -When a bride is an orphan it is customary for the cards announcing her -wedding to be sent in the name of one of her near relatives, or else -they may read simply like the one given above. - -Wedding announcement cards demand no acknowledgment from an -acquaintance of the bride who lives at a distance, unless a “day” or -“days” are mentioned on them, when it is obligatory to send visiting -cards on the “day” or the first one of the “days;” otherwise, if one -wishes to be particularly polite, one may send a visiting-card in -acknowledgment of the announcement, but it is not obligatory to do so. - -Wedding announcements are sent to friends at home as well as to -those abroad, because the cards are supposed, not only to suggest -remembrance, but to express a desire that the acquaintance should be -continued after the name is changed. - -The birth of a baby is announced in various ways, there being no -especial rules of etiquette for making the announcement. Sometimes -engraved cards bearing the baby’s name and date of birth are sent by -themselves in small envelopes, into which they fit exactly; sometimes -they go in an envelope with the mother’s visiting-card, and are written -instead of engraved. These cards should be attached to the mother’s -visiting cards by a piece of white baby ribbon, which is passed -through a hole made in the top of both cards and tied in a tiny bow. -They should be sent out when the mother is ready to receive calls. - - -WEDDING INVITATIONS. - -Wedding invitations should be issued at least two weeks before the day -of the affair. - -It is customary for the bridegroom to give to the bride’s mother a list -of his relatives and friends to whom he would like cards sent, and some -member of the bride’s family attends to it. - -When the guests at a wedding are limited to the immediate family, the -invitations may be personal notes sent by the bride’s mother. The notes -may read like the following: - - _My Dear Mary,—It will give us all much pleasure if - you will come to the very quiet wedding of my daughter - Catherine to Mr. John Martin, on Saturday, February the - fourth, at twelve o’clock, and remain to the little - breakfast that will follow the ceremony. Only the - members of the family will be present. Hoping that you - may be with us the fourth, I am,_ - - _Affectionately yours, - Anna Brown._ - -A formal invitation may read as follows: - - MR. AND MRS. JAMES M. MOORE - REQUEST THE PLEASURE OF YOUR PRESENCE AT - THE MARRIAGE OF THEIR DAUGHTER - ALICE - TO - CHARLES ALBERT SMITH, - THURSDAY EVENING, AUGUST TWENTY-FOURTH, - AT EIGHT O’CLOCK, - 121 SEVENTH STREET EAST, - DAVENPORT, IOWA, - 1899. - -Another form is as follows: - - MR. AND MRS. JOHN BROWN - REQUEST THE PLEASURE OF YOUR PRESENCE - AT THE - MARRIAGE BREAKFAST OF THEIR DAUGHTER - MARY LOUISE - AND - MR. CHARLES ALBERT SMITH, - ON THURSDAY, OCTOBER THE SIXTH, - FROM ONE UNTIL THREE O’CLOCK. - 15 PROSPECT STREET. - -If the bride is an orphan, or if there is any very good reason why her -parents’ names should not appear on the invitation, the latter may be -sent in the name of the married brother and his wife, or in the name of -whoever gives the bride the wedding reception. It may read as follows: - - MR. AND MRS. CHARLES SMITH - REQUEST THE HONOR OF YOUR PRESENCE - AT THE MARRIAGE OF THEIR SISTER - BERTHA WILD - TO - MR. JAMES MONTGOMERY BROWN, - ON WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER THE TWELFTH, - AT EIGHT O’CLOCK. - 2400 FIFTH STREET SOUTH. - -The following is a suitable form for an invitation for a silver wedding: - - TWENTY-FIFTH ANNIVERSARY. - MR. AND MRS. JOHN H. SMITH - AT HOME - SATURDAY EV’G, DECEMBER TWENTY-SEVENTH, - EIGHTEEN HUNDRED NINETY NINE, - FROM EIGHT TO ELEVEN O’CLOCK. - - -ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS. - -It is considered very rude not to reply to an invitation immediately, -either by note of acceptance or regret. - -In writing acceptances one should never use “will accept” for -“accepts,” or “to dinner” instead of “for dinner” or “to dine.” - -In accepting a dinner invitation one should repeat the hour named in -order that, if any mistake has been made, it may be corrected. - -An acceptance may be written as follows: - -_Mr. and Mrs. Frank Warren accept with pleasure Mrs. John Somers’ kind -invitation for Monday evening, October seventh._ - -The following is a good form for a note of regret: - -_Mr. and Mrs. James Swift regret that, owing to sickness, they are -unable to accept Mrs. Frank Hall’s kind invitation for Monday evening, -March 16th._ - -In writing regrets, when it is possible to do so, one should give the -reason for not accepting an invitation. - -The best bred people agree that an invitation to a wedding reception -or a wedding breakfast demands a response, whether or not a response -is requested. But it is another question when one receives only an -invitation to a church ceremony, or merely an announcement card with -no “at home” card enclosed, and does not know the bride and groom well -enough to call. If the cards are sent merely as a matter of courtesy -because of business relations or on account of a former intimacy in the -families, a call does not seem necessary. In such cases one must judge -more or less for herself, and do what seems natural. If one lives in a -small place and the bride comes there as a stranger, it is generally -the best way to call, whatever be the form of the cards received. - -Formal invitations to a church wedding do not demand an answer, unless -one is requested, until the day of the ceremony, when those unable to -attend acknowledge the invitation with visiting cards addressed to the -father and mother of the bride, or to whoever sends out the invitations -for the wedding. Invitations to a wedding reception and a bride’s “At -Home” demand no other acknowledgment than visiting cards sent on the -day of the function by those unable to attend. A formal invitation to -a house wedding demands the same acknowledgment as an invitation to a -church wedding. - -In acknowledging an invitation to a wedding, a single woman sends -one of her visiting cards in an envelope addressed to the mother and -father of the bride on the day of the wedding. A single man sends two -of his cards, and a married couple send one of the wife’s and two of -the husband’s cards. To the bride on her “At Home” day, cards should be -sent in exactly the same way. A wedding reception, if it takes place in -the evening, demands full dress. - -It is very courteous to acknowledge the reception of a “commencement” -invitation. - -It is very bad form to write “Congratulations” on one’s visiting card -and send it in answer to a wedding invitation. If one desires to send -her good wishes to the bride, then a personal note would be proper. - -It is also bad form to send a visiting card with “Regrets” written in -one corner instead of writing the proper note. - -If, having accepted an invitation, one changes her mind, she certainly -ought to give some reason when writing a note of apology. - - -LETTERS. - -In writing letters and notes of invitation, acceptance, regrets, or -introduction, certain and specific rules of etiquette, ordained by -custom, hold despotic sway; and unless one is acquainted with these, he -must be considered by those who are, as more or less uncultivated. - -In addressing an envelope one surely ought to know that the first line -of the address should be at or below the middle of the envelope, and -the address should be written in a plain hand devoid of flourishes. The -place for the stamp is always the upper right-hand corner. - -In no way is one’s culture sooner made known than by his manner of -writing a note or letter. - -In a formal business letter or in one commencing “Dear Sir” or “Dear -Madam,” the name of the person addressed is put at the end of the -letter in the left-hand corner, but it should not be repeated, if it is -used at the head of the letter. - -The writing of notes in the third person is now confined to notes of -invitations, acceptance, and regret. - -Nothing would show greater ignorance than signing one’s name to a note -written in the third person. - -In addressing a clergyman it is customary to commence with “Reverend -Sir.” Doctors of Divinity and of Medicine are thus distinguished: “The -Rev. James Swift, D. D.,” or “Rev. Dr. Swift;” “I. G. Latham, M. D.,” -or “Dr. Latham.” - -In writing to servants, it is customary to begin thus: “To Mary -Bates,—Mrs. White wishes, etc.” - -When a woman is writing to strangers who will not know whether to -address her in reply as “Mrs.” or “Miss,” the address of the writer -should be given in full, after signing her letter, as, “Mrs. Jane -Smith,” followed by the direction; or, if unmarried, the “Miss” should -be placed in marks of parenthesis preceding the signature. One should -never sign her name as “Mrs.” or “Miss.” - -The formal manner of address in a note or letter written in the -first person, is, “My Dear Mrs. Brown;” the less formal is “Dear -Mrs. Brown.” To an intimate friend one may use either. “Dear Mary” -is less formal than “My Dear Mary,” and yet to one who is near, -the real significance of the latter form is very sweet and full of -tender meaning. However, there are no rigid laws to regulate the -correspondence of friends. - -When a woman writes a personal note to a man, no matter how slight her -acquaintance may be with him, it should begin “My Dear Mr. Brown.” - -Ordinary social correspondence, when forwarded by the hand of an adult -socially equal with the sender, should not be sealed. If, for some -reason, a letter must be sealed, then the post or some other method of -letter conveyance should be used. - -The form “Addressed” on an envelope is merely the relic of an old legal -form that has no especial significance nowadays, but is put on the -envelope as a matter of courtesy. It means that the contents of the -envelope are for the person whose name is written on the outside. It is -very seldom used, and is quite superfluous. - -Only letters of unmarried women and widows are addressed with their -baptismal names. All letters of married women should bear their -husband’s names; as, “Mrs. John Howe.” - -Writing on the first, then on the third, then crosswise on the second -and fourth pages of a letter, facilitates the reading and is in -perfectly good form. - -It is very bad taste for a doctor’s wife to assume his title. An -invitation addressed to them should read “Dr. and Mrs. Jones.” - -One should not write “Mrs. John Brown, _née_ Lottie Smith,” because one -is not born with a Christian name; instead, one would write “Mrs. John -Brown, _née_ Smith.” - -The use of perfumed stationery is not general, nor is it in good taste. - -Any letter of congratulation received, even though it be from a person -with whom one has only a slight acquaintance, requires an answer. - -No matter how fond a young girl may feel of a man whom she has known -for years, any letters, when trouble comes to his family, should be -addressed to his wife and not to him. - -The fashion that obtains with reference to placing the date on a letter -is to place it in the upper right-hand corner; on a note it is usually -placed in the lower left-hand corner. - -A young girl who receives letters from a man at the post-office without -the knowledge of her mother is doing something wrong, which in time -she will certainly regret, and which, it is equally certain, will -result in trouble. - -It is not in the best taste to write letters of friendship on the -typewriter, but it will always be excused in the busy woman. - - -LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. - -Letters of introduction are to be regarded as certificates of -respectability and esteem, and should only be given by friends of the -person introduced and to friends. They should be brief and carefully -worded, intimating the mutual pleasure that one feels the acquaintance -will confer, but not complimenting the bearer so openly that he will -feel embarrassed in delivering the letter. Such letters are left -unsealed. - -There is no greater insult than to treat a letter of introduction with -indifference. A person thus introduced ought to be called upon at once, -and shown any other little attention within one’s power. In England -letters of introduction are called “tickets to soup.” - -In England the party holding a letter of introduction never takes it -himself, but sends it with his card. On the Continent the reverse is -the fashion. In America the English custom prevails, though where a -young man has a letter to one many years his senior or to one who is -to aid him in some enterprise, he takes it himself at once. - -A letter of introduction should be somewhat like the following: - - _My Dear Mr. Barnes:_ - - _This note will introduce to you my friend, Mr. Charles - Smith, whom I know you will be as glad to meet as he - will be glad to meet you._ - - _Mr. Smith is an old friend of mine, and any kindness - you may be able to show him will be very much - appreciated by me._ - - _Faithfully yours,_ - _Anna Martin White._ - -Before giving a letter of introduction one should be certain that the -persons introduced will be congenial to each other. Such a letter -puts a certain obligation on the person to whom it is addressed: he -will be obliged to show the bearer some attention and hospitality. It -is, therefore, not right to make the demand of a friend unless one is -certain that the acquaintanceship will compensate him for the trouble -he may take. - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote A: It is now quite common to omit marks of punctuation at the -end of lines in an invitation.] - - - - -CHAPTER III. - -DINNERS, LUNCHEONS, BREAKFASTS, TEAS, RECEPTIONS, DANCING PARTIES, -CARDS, PARTIES, WEDDINGS, WEDDING GIFTS, WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. - - “Manners aim to facilitate life, to get rid of - impediments.” - - -DINNERS.[B] - -A “dinner” is supposed to be an elaborate affair, with numerous courses -and ample service, and is usually given at seven or eight o’clock -in the evening. At a dinner the number of courses naturally varies -according to the taste and financial condition of the hostess. (For -arrangement of the table, see Chapter VI.) - -For a formal dinner the courses usually consist of soup, fish, a roast -with one or more vegetables, a salad, an ice or ice cream, cakes, -bonbons, and black coffee. Olives and salted almonds, jellies, etc., -generally appear in some of the courses. - -Although the following really belongs under the head of “The Table” and -“Service at Table,” a repetition here may not come amiss. - -The attendant places each dish, in succession, before the host or -hostess with the pile of plates. Each plate is supplied, taken by the -attendant on a small salver, and set, from the left, before the guest. -A second dish which belongs to the course is presented at the left of -the guest, who helps himself. As a rule the woman at the right of the -host, or the eldest woman, should be served first. As soon as a course -is finished, the plates are promptly removed, and the next course is -served in the same way. Before the dessert is brought on, all crumbs -should be brushed from the cloth. The finger bowls, which are brought -in on a napkin on a dessert-plate and set at the left of the plate, are -used by dipping the fingers in lightly and drying them on the napkin. -They should be half full of warm water with a bit of lemon floating in -it. When all have finished dessert, the hostess gives the signal, by -pushing back her chair, that dinner is ended, and the guests repair to -the drawing-room, the oldest leading and the youngest following last, -the men passing into the library or smoking-room. - -Seemingly, one should arrive at the house where one is invited to a -dinner or a luncheon at exactly the hour mentioned in the invitation; -but the proper thing at a formal function is to get to the house -ten minutes after the hour of the meal, and to be announced in the -drawing-room five minutes later. - -The host, with the guest of honor, leads the way into the dining-room -at a dinner; at a luncheon the hostess leads the way alone or with one -of the guests. - -Fifteen minutes is the longest time required to wait for a tardy guest -when the dinner hour was understood, as it always should be. - -If the hostess thinks the visitor has no acquaintances in the room, -she introduces her to two or three persons who are near her, and then, -counting on her knowledge of the customs of society, she will feel -quite sure that her guest will enjoy herself. - -A hostess should never reprove a servant before a guest, as it is -unpleasant for all concerned, and by passing over the annoyance -herself, it may escape the attention of others. - -No accident must seem to disturb a hostess, no disappointment embarrass -her. - -At formal dinner parties the servant who is detailed to attend -to the wants of the men guests hands each one, as he leaves the -dressing-room, an envelope containing a card bearing the name of the -woman whom he is to take to dinner. - - -LUNCHEONS. - -Luncheons are usually given between the hours of one and two o’clock in -the afternoon, and to them women only are invited. The menu is lighter -than for a dinner, and generally consists of sherbets, oyster patties, -scalloped oysters, sweet-breads, sandwiches, salads, ices, cheese -sticks, fruit, ice cream, cakes, bonbons, salted almonds, olives, and -black coffee, served in such number and order of courses as best suits -the hostess. - - -BREAKFASTS. - -The difference between a breakfast and a luncheon is very slight. On -the invitation the word breakfast is used instead of luncheon, and -the hour is earlier than for a luncheon. Also men and woman may meet -together for a breakfast, and therefore a few more solid courses -are advisable. Otherwise one may be guided entirely in giving the -entertainment by the rules which apply to a luncheon. - - -TEAS. - -A tea is the simplest and easiest kind of an entertainment to give, for -the only essential requisites for its success are prettily arranged -receiving-rooms, with as many flowers as one can afford; a gracious -hostess, who stands during the hours of the function to receive her -guests and is properly dressed in a becoming high-necked house dress; -a few other women, who also receive in pretty dresses; and a dainty -tea table, which may be presided over by a woman friend or two of the -hostess. It is only necessary to serve a modest menu of tea, chocolate -or bouillon, assorted sandwiches, fancy cakes, and bonbons. The other -factors to the tea’s success are pleasant weather and well trained -servants, who may assist in serving the tea and are alert to open and -close the door for the guests. - -At a formal function of any kind the guests leave their wraps in -dressing-rooms, where one or more maids should be on hand to assist -women in their dressing-room, and a man to perform the same services -in the men’s dressing-room; but at a small tea, where, as a rule, the -guests do not remove their street wraps, it is only necessary to have a -maid in the entrance hall to be ready, if called on, to do any service. - -It is not customary to offer refreshments to casual evening callers; -but if one has a regular evening for receiving, she may have a tea -table in the drawing-room, and serve tea, chocolate, sandwiches, cake, -etc., as in entertaining on the afternoon of a “day.” - - -RECEPTIONS. - -On the day of the reception, the hostess, with her assistants, should -receive the guests, standing at the door of the drawing-room. The -refreshment tables should be spread in the dining-room, and prettily -decorated with flowers, candles in candelabra or candlesticks, dishes -of bonbons and cakes, plates of sandwiches, and platters of salad. A -bouillon urn may stand at one end of the table with cups, and coffee -may be served from the other end. All that is necessary for the menu -is bouillon, easily prepared in the house from canned bouillon, -jellied tongue, chicken salad, and sandwiches, ices and cake, fruit, -and candies. Coffee and lemonade will suffice for beverages. If one -can afford to have a few pieces of music, so much the better. The -musicians should play from some hidden nook. One or two servants in the -dining-room, and one to open and shut the front door, will be all that -is necessary. - - -DANCING PARTIES. - -For the form of invitation refer to Chapter II. - -In selecting a company for a dancing party the hostess will naturally -choose only those who dance, and she should see, as far as possible, -that all the women are provided with partners. - -It is better to dance first with one acquaintance and then with -another, rather than to make one’s self conspicuous by giving a great -number of dances to one man. - -A man gives the first and last dances to his partner of the evening. - -No man should invite a young woman to attend a dress affair without -providing a carriage for her. When the party is small and informal, it -is allowable to go on the street-cars. - -At the end of the dance, the man should offer his arm to his partner, -and take at least one turn around the room before consigning her to her -seat. - -A man who can dance, and will not, ought to remain away from a ball. - -If for any reason a girl should refuse to dance with one man, she -should not accept another invitation for the same dance. - -An invitation to a ball may be asked for a friend who is a stranger in -town, and has had no opportunity of making the acquaintance of the one -who gives the ball. - -A man should not ask a girl, to whom he has been introduced for the -purpose of dancing with her, for more than two dances the same evening. - - -CARD PARTIES. - -If given, prizes should be carefully chosen, so that they may be in -good taste and desirable. The supper should be served at the card -tables after the playing is over. A large napkin should be spread on -the top of each table, and the refreshments served in courses. - - -WEDDINGS. - -For invitation forms see Chapter II. - -When a wedding takes place in a church that has but one entrance, the -customary way for the bridal procession to enter is for the groom and -best man to walk in just behind the minister, a little before the -others, and to take their places at the altar; then the ushers enter, -walking two by two; then the bridesmaids in the same order; then the -maid of honor alone; and last the bride on her father’s arm. The -bride’s family enter the church a few minutes before the minister and -the groom and bridal party. - -A bride goes up to the altar with her veil over her face, but comes -down with it thrown back. It is the duty of the maid of honor to throw -it back immediately after the ceremony is ended. - -When the bride’s mother gives her away at a church ceremony, she -usually walks up the aisle with the bride. After she has given her to -the groom, she steps quietly and unescorted to the front pew, where she -stays during the remainder of the service. The bride may walk up the -aisle with an attendant instead of with her mother, who in this case -steps from her seat in the front pew to the chancel when the time comes -for her to officiate, and steps back to her seat afterwards. - -The bride and the groom should stand at the wedding reception until -they have received the congratulations of all present, then, together, -they should walk into the room where the breakfast is to be served. The -others follow as they please, with the exception of the parents on both -sides. The groom’s father usually escorts the bride’s mother, and _vice -versa_. - -It is not the custom for a bride to remove her gloves at the wedding. -The inside seam of the ring finger of the glove should be ripped -beforehand; and when the time comes for the ring to be put on, the -bride merely slips off this glove finger, and puts it back again after -the ring is on her finger. - -At no wedding service is it proper for the bride to enter the church -alone. - -At a church or house wedding where the bride walks up the aisle with -her sister acting as the maid of honor, instead of with a gentleman -escort, she need not take the arm of her attendant, as both the ladies -will look more graceful if walking separately. The maid of honor should -carry a bouquet, and the bride a bouquet, prayer-book, or bible. - -At a home wedding the bride enters the room on the arm of her father. -With a short dress she would not wear a veil. - -The wearing of gloves at an informal wedding is entirely a matter of -taste. Recently at several large weddings they were omitted by the -entire bridal party. - -The prettiest way to make an aisle for the bridal party at a house -wedding is for four children to enter the room where the ceremony will -be, just before the bridal party comes in, and separate the guests -into two groups by stretching two pieces of white ribbon the length -of the room. A child stands at each end of the two pieces of ribbon, -holding it while the bridal party walks up between them, and during the -service. Ushers may hold the ribbons instead of the children, or the -ends may be fastened around plants which are placed at the requisite -points. - -Where there is no side door through which the groom and best man may -enter the room at a house wedding, they come in by the principal door -just before the bridal party and just after the minister. - -It is not customary for the men at a wedding party to kiss the bride; -that is a liberty taken only by the immediate members of the family. - -A bride, if she wishes, may omit the bridal veil, but she should then -wear a dainty bonnet or picture hat. The ushers and best men are -invited by the bridegroom. - -If the church wedding is a full dress one, followed by an evening -reception, it is proper to wear an evening gown. If it is in the -daytime, a handsome visiting dress and pretty bonnet are proper. - -At a daytime wedding the guests seldom remove their bonnets, although, -of course, heavy wraps are frequently laid aside. At an evening affair -one goes in full dress without anything on one’s head. The ushers -present the guests to the bridal party. The bridesmaids are spoken to -by the people they know, but it is not necessary that they should be -addressed by everybody. - -A bride may wear her wedding dress after her wedding day as much -or as little as she chooses. For the sake of sentiment many brides -like to preserve their wedding dresses intact to hand down to future -generations; but a girl who has to consider economy cannot afford to -consider sentiment, and often the wedding dress is converted into a -low dinner and evening gown soon after the wedding day. A bride may, -with perfect propriety, wear her wedding dress to the reception given -her after her wedding by the groom’s mother. Of course, she will wear -it just as it was when she was married, high in the neck, unless the -reception takes place in the evening and demands evening dress, when, -according to the conventions, it must be cut low. - -A bridegroom is always expected to furnish the bouquets that the bride, -bridesmaids, and all the bride’s attendants carry at the wedding. He -should learn from the bride the flowers she wishes, and should order -them several days before the wedding, so that they may be ready at the -bride’s house when the bridesmaids meet there to go together to the -church or to the place where the ceremony is held. - -Besides furnishing these bouquets, the groom provides the ushers and -best men with their _boutonnières_, and gives them also some small -souvenir, and, if he wishes, a bachelor dinner or supper a day or two -before the wedding. - -There are no wedding luncheons nowadays. Every entertainment of the -kind up to two o’clock is called a breakfast, and when it takes place -in the afternoon or evening it is called a reception. - - -WEDDING GIFTS. - -The idea that a wedding invitation necessitates a present has, -sensibly enough, gone out of fashion, and only those who are bound by -ties of blood or close friendship have the privilege of sending a gift -to the bride. - -Presents should be sent as soon after receiving the invitations as -possible. All wedding gifts, even from friends of the groom who may -never have met the bride, are sent to the bride; and, if marked, they -should be engraved with the initials or monogram of the bride’s maiden -name, or they may have her name in full. - -Wedding presents should be acknowledged by the bride-elect in a short -personal note, which should be written and sent immediately on receipt -of the present. - -When several friends combine in giving a present to the bride, she -should write a letter of thanks to each one separately, sending the -letters by post. - -It is perfectly proper to open a gift in the presence of the giver, and -express one’s pleasure and gratitude on the spot. Indeed, it is much -better form to do so than to wait until the giver has gone. - - -WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. - -The paper wedding, so termed, is celebrated one year after marriage. -Invitations should be issued on heavy gray paper or thin card-board. -Presents may consist of any article made of paper or _papier mâché_; -such, for instance, as books, engravings, etc. - -The wooden wedding is celebrated five years after marriage. Invitations -may be issued upon wooden cards, or wooden cards may be inclosed with -an invitation written or engraved upon a sheet of wedding note paper. -The presents may be anything made of wood, from a mustard spoon to a -house or set of furniture. - -The tin wedding comes ten years after marriage. Invitation cards are -sometimes covered with tin foil, or tin cards are inclosed, or, if -preferred, the invitation is printed on tin bronze paper. Presents -should consist of articles made of tin. - -The crystal wedding, fifteen years after marriage, is next in order. -Cards may be issued upon transparent paper, or upon note paper with a -card of isinglass inclosed. - -The china wedding takes place twenty years after marriage. -Semi-transparent cardboard will answer for the invitations. - -The silver wedding is celebrated on the twenty-fifth anniversary, -and is generally an occasion of much more importance than any of the -foregoing anniversaries. The invitations may be printed on silver -paper, and the presents are, of course, articles of silver. - -The golden wedding, celebrated on the fiftieth anniversary of the -marriage, may be said to be the one in which the young do homage to -the old. It should be conducted by the near relatives or friends of -the couple, and the occasion should be made one of retrospect, of -encouragement, and of congratulation. The invitations should be on -white paper in gold letters, and the presents should be of gold. - -At each of these anniversaries it is customary to have the marriage -ceremony re-performed, and all arrangements for the celebration are -made in about the same manner as for the first marriage. - -[Illustration] - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote B: In looking up any one point in this book,—as “dinners,” -for instance,—one will be obliged sometimes to refer to more than one -place. Chapter II., under “Notes of Invitation,” and Chapter I., under -its three different heads, contain more or less information concerning -“dinners,” which it seems difficult to classify anymore closely than -has been done.] - - - - -CHAPTER IV. - -CONVERSATION, CHAPERONAGE, MARRIAGE, DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES. - - “Manners are not idle, but are the fruit of noble - natures and of loyal minds.” - - -CONVERSATION. - -The late Dr. George Ripley was wont to say that the secret of being -agreeable in conversation was to be honorable to the ideas of others. -He affirmed that some people only half listened to you, because they -were considering, even while you spoke, with what fine words, what -wealth of wit, they should reply, and they began to speak almost before -your sentence had died upon your lips. These people, he said, might -be brilliant, witty, dazzling, but never could they be agreeable. You -do not love to talk to them. You feel that they are impatient for -their turn to come, and that they have no hospitality towards your -thoughts—none of that gentle friendliness which asks your idea and -makes much of it. This want of hospitality to other people’s ideas -often has its root in egotism, but it is equally apt to be the growth -of a secret want of self-confidence, a fear that one will not be ready -to take one’s own part well,—an uneasy self-consciousness which makes -real sympathetic attention to the ideas of others impossible. - -Agreeability, readiness in conversation, tact and graciousness of -manner are great aids to popularity. To possess these qualities one -must have marked consideration for others, and be ever ready to -manifest it. One should also be ready to recall faces and names. - -Though one has but few facts and ideas to draw upon, she may still, -by making sufficient effort, become a fair conversationalist. If one -despair in this direction, she may at least train herself to become an -interesting listener, and she will be surprised to find how popular she -will be; for three-quarters of the world like to talk, while to listen -intelligently is a great talent. The good listener, by her evident -interest in, and sympathetic attention to, the matter of conversation, -brings out all that is best in the one with whom she talks. Diffident -people forget their shyness in her presence, and leave her with the -comfortable and novel conviction that they have, after all, acquitted -themselves rather well. - -No well-bred person would be guilty of the gross rudeness of picking -up a book or magazine and “looking through” it while pretending to -pay heed to the talk of a friend. The assurance, “I am only looking at -the pictures of this magazine, not reading, and I hear every word you -say,” is no palliation of the offence. The speaker would be justified -in refusing to continue the conversation until the pictures had been -properly studied. If a speech is worth hearing, it is worthy of -respectful and earnest attention. - -No one should ever monopolize the conversation, unless he wishes to win -for himself the name of a bore. - -A well-educated and finely cultured person proclaims himself by the -simplicity and terseness of his language. - -In conversation all provincialisms, affectations of foreign accents, -mannerisms, exaggerations, and slang are detestable. - -Flippancy is as much an evidence of ill-breeding as is the perpetual -smile, the wandering eye, the vacant stare, or the half-open mouth of -the man who is preparing to break in upon the conversation. - -Interruption of the speech of others is a great sin against good -breeding. - -Anecdotes should be sparsely introduced into a conversation, lest they -become stale. Repartee must be indulged in with moderation. Puns are -considered vulgar by many. - -In addressing persons with titles, one ought always to add the name; -as, “What do you think, Doctor Graves?” not, “What do you think, -Doctor?” - -The great secret of talking well is to adapt one’s conversation -skillfully to the hearers. - -In a _tête-à-tête_ conversation, it is extremely ill-bred to drop the -voice to a whisper, or to converse on private matters. - -One should never try to hide the lips in talking by putting up the hand -or a fan. - -One should avoid long conversations in society with members of his own -family. - -If an unfinished conversation is continued after the entrance of a -visitor, its import should be explained to him. - -Though bores find their account in speaking ill or well of themselves, -it is the characteristic of a gentleman that he never speaks of himself -at all. La Buryere says: “The great charm of conversation consists less -in the display of one’s own wit and intelligence than in the power to -draw forth the resources of others; he who leaves one after a long -conversation, pleased with himself and the part _he_ has taken in the -discourse, will be the other’s warmest admirer.” - -In society the absent-minded man is uncivil. - -There are many persons who commence speaking before they know what -they are going to say. The ill-natured world, which never misses an -opportunity of being severe, declares them to be foolish and destitute -of brains. - -He who knows the world, will not be too bashful; he who knows himself, -will not be imprudent. - -There is no surer sign of vulgarity than the perpetual boasting of fine -things at home. - -One should be careful how freely he offers advice. - -If one keeps silent sometimes upon subjects of which he is known to be -a judge, his silence, when from ignorance, will not discover him. - -One should not argue a point when it is possible to avoid it, but when -he does argue, he should do so in a gentlemanly and dispassionate -manner. - -One should never notice any mistakes in the language of others. - - -CHAPERONAGE. - -The foreign custom that makes a chaperone indispensable where young -people are gathered together at places of public entertainment, has -long obtained in the cities of the East, and in all conventional -communities everywhere. No really fashionable party is made up without -a chaperone. - -A young woman condemns herself in the eyes of good society who is -observed to enter alone with a young man a place of public refreshment, -be the restaurant or tea room ever so select. Bred under other -conditions of a society so necessarily varying as that in our broad -America, a stranger visiting New York, for instance, might readily and -innocently make a mistake of this nature, and blush at finding herself -condemned for it. In the same category of offenses is ranked that of -maidens visiting places of public amusement under the escort of young -men alone. Many parts of the South and West allow this to be done -with the smiling consent of good society; but in Eastern cities it is -considered a violation of good form, and for the comfort, if not the -convenience, of the girl considering it, had better be ranked among the -lost privileges upon which social evolution may look back with fond -regret. - -It is always wisest, when a number of young people are to have a -party, to ask two or three married women to be present, not only for -propriety’s sake, but because there will then be no danger of anything -unwished for happening, inasmuch as it is the duty of the chaperones to -make all social entertainments smooth and pleasant. - -When it is necessary for a girl to pay long visits to a dentist’s -office, she should be accompanied either by her mother, or some woman -relative, or maid. - -The etiquette of chaperonage is much less strict for a young widow than -for an unmarried girl of the same age; but it is important and in good -taste for a woman who is a widow to be very quiet and inconspicuous in -all she does, giving by her behavior no opportunity for criticism. - - -MARRIAGE. - -A young girl’s own safety, as regards her present and future happiness, -demands that she receive attentions from only the best of young -men,—those of whom her reason would approve, if the acquaintance should -lead to more than acquaintance. - -Parents should carefully watch the young men who frequent their houses, -in order to see that undesirable intimacies are not formed with their -daughters, for friendships and intimacies soon lead to love. - -Many a girl, feeling convinced that she had loved unwisely, has entered -upon the married state with heart and reason at variance, when she -might have given up the acquaintance, in the beginning of it, very -easily. - -The most perfect reserve in courtship, even in cases of the most ardent -attachment, is indispensable to the confidence and trust of married -life to come. - -All public display of devotion should be avoided, for it tends to -lessen mutual respect, and it makes the actors ridiculous in the eyes -or others. It is quite possible for a man to show every conceivable -attention to the one to whom he is engaged, and yet to avoid committing -the slightest offence against delicacy or good taste. - -It is quite possible for a man to show attention, and even assiduity -up to a certain point, without becoming a lover; and it is equally -possible for the girl to let it be seen that he is not disagreeable to -her, without actually encouraging him. No man likes to be refused, and -no man of tact will risk a refusal. - -Long engagements are usually entered into by people who are quite -young, but who, for some reason, cannot marry. As the years go on their -tastes may change, and yet each may feel that honor binds the one to -the other. The woman chosen by a man when he is twenty-one is seldom -the woman he would chose when he is forty. When people marry young -they grow accustomed to each other, and, oddly enough, they grow to be -alike; but during a long engagement their tastes are apt to change, and -the result is apt to be anything but a happy one. Of course, there are -exceptions, but, generalizing, the long engagement is to be feared. - - -DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES. - -Etiquette is a comprehensive term, and its observances are nowhere more -to be desired than in the domestic circle. - -If husbands and wives, generally, would render each other half of the -little attentions they lavished upon each other before marriage, their -mutual happiness would be more than doubled. - -A wife should never let her husband have cause to complain that she is -more agreeable abroad than at home, nor see her negligent of dress and -manners at home when it is the reverse in company. - -If, unhappily, any misunderstandings or annoyances occur between -husband and wife, it is ill-bred and unjust for either to repeat them -to a third person. - -Faithful unto death in all things should be the motto of both husband -and wife; and forbearance with each other’s peculiarities, their -never-ending effort to attain. - -If a girl discovers very soon after her marriage that she has made -a mistake, it is wisest for her to make the best of it; she should -look for all that is good in her husband and try to forget that which -she dislikes. There are times when a legal separation is necessary, -but when people marry they marry for better or for worse, and if, -unfortunately, it should be for worse, even that does not release them -from the solemn vows which they have taken. - -It is not in good taste for a husband and wife to call each other by -endearing names in the presence of others. - -A man has no right whatever to open his wife’s mail, but a woman should -not receive any letters that she would not be willing that her husband -should see. - -[Illustration] - - - - -CHAPTER V. - -DRESS, GLOVES, STREET ETIQUETTE, TRAVELING, BICYCLING, TELEPHONING. - - “Refinement of character is said never to be found with - vulgarity of dress.” - - -DRESS. - -In appropriateness our people have something to learn, as has the -whole world, for that matter. Necklaces and jewels in the morning are -monstrous, no matter what the fashion of the moment may be, and there -will come a time when every one will look upon them with horror, as -every one, indeed, used to do. - -The day is past when latitude or great variety in dress is considered -original. Clothes, if they are startling at all, must be startling in -a degree to be borne. A train cannot be worn where only a short skirt -is in order, nor can an abbreviated drapery go where full dress is -required. A garden party, for instance, or an out-of-door tea at a -private house demands a muslin, a silk, or, at any rate, an elaborate -toilet, while at a golf club, such dress is absurd, except for the -elderly or non-players. In winter, frills and furbelows, if they are -worn at all, are worn at large teas, the plain tailor-made suit having -gone out for such purposes. However, it is difficult to follow the -vagaries of fashion in these regards. - -For morning wear, no dress can be too simple. Luncheons are growing -more and more informal. When distances are great, however, and one -dresses for calls in the part of town where the luncheon is, afterward, -more elaborateness of dress is allowed. - -The best advice to all girls upon the subject must be, not to be -overdressed, nor yet to be careless in the matter. They should attire -themselves according to their circumstances, and should, above all -things, avoid all extremes of fashion, as well as all eccentricities of -style. - -Only quiet colors should be worn either to church or on the street, -and wherever girls go they should endeavor to be unconscious of their -personal appearance. - -The woman who is overdressed at an afternoon reception is much more -uncomfortable than she who is gowned with the simplicity of a Quaker. A -well fitting wool gown, a becoming bonnet, a fresh pair of gloves, and -one is suitably dressed as a caller. - -A girl of fourteen should not wear her hair done up, and her gown -should come just below her ankles. - -It is not in good taste for a young girl to wear diamond rings; if she -is fortunate enough to possess them, let her keep them carefully until -she is older, and then she may wear them with perfect propriety. - -It is in very bad taste to wear a dressing-sacque when breakfasting -in a public dining-room of a hotel. Such an undress costume is only -permissible in one’s own room. - -A frock coat is, under no circumstances, a correct garment for a man -to wear at an evening dance, neither is a Tuxedo or dinner coat. The -proper dress is a full dress suit, with white vest and white string -tie. Possibly a dinner coat might be allowable at a very small and very -informal dance, but a frock coat never. - -A man should wear a white tie with a dress suit at any large formal -entertainment, such as a ball, the opera, a wedding reception, a -large dinner party, etc., and on all occasions where he wears a white -waistcoat. He should wear a black tie at the theater, at a small -dinner, in calling, and at home with his dinner coat. - -Evening dress may be as gay as one chooses to make it, though extremes -are not desirable. - -Dresses made a suitable length for walking are much more appropriate -for the street than those that are so long that their wearers become -street cleaners. - -Neatness in a lady’s dress is one of the first requisites. - -To dress well requires good taste, good sense, and refinement. - -The most appropriate and becoming dress is that which so harmonizes -with the figure that the apparel is unobserved. - -A hostess should be careful not to out-dress her guests. - -When going out one should consider the sort of company she is likely to -meet, and should dress accordingly. - -The idea that “dress makes the man” is a very false one, but a man -_does_ make, or select, rather, his dress, and is judged somewhat in -accordance with that selection. - -At a five o’clock church wedding the groom, best man, and ushers all -dress as nearly as possible alike. The proper costume or suit is a -black frock coat, gray trousers, black or fancy vesting waist coat, -white tie, _glacé_ gloves, patent leather boots, and a tall hat. - - -GLOVES. - -A young woman should of course wear gloves with a full evening dress to -any kind of an evening entertainment. - -On taking one’s seat at a dinner table or a card table one may remove -one’s gloves, but not until then; and at the theater or opera, gloves -should be worn throughout the performance and during the evening. - -A man wears light or white kid gloves to the opera, dances, a -reception, or any other formal evening entertainment, except a dinner. - -It is usual to remove one’s gloves when eating supper at an evening -affair, unless merely a cup of bouillon or an ice may be chosen, and -then there would be no impropriety in keeping on one’s gloves. - -A man wears gloves when calling, and removes them just before or just -after entering the parlor. Tan gloves may be worn at all hours of the -day; white or pearl ones are proper in the evening, when calling, or at -any place of amusement. - -No matter how long one’s gloves are, they should be entirely taken off -at supper, and be resumed again upon returning to the drawing-room or -after using the finger bowls, and before arising from the feast. - -To wear gloves while playing cards is an affectation of elegance. - - -STREET ETIQUETTE. - -A man offers his right arm, if either, to a woman on the street (also -in the house), that she may have her right hand free for holding her -parasol or guiding her train. Both common sense and gallantry assign -the woman’s place where it is for her greatest convenience, and that -is, undeniably, on the right of the man. - -The rule for giving the left arm was held good in those days when it -was necessary for men to pass to the left, thus keeping the sword-arm -free for self-protection or for the protection of the women, but now -the passing is all to the right. - -In walking with a woman a man chooses the outer side without any regard -as to its being either the right or the left. In walking with two women -he chooses the outer side also, and never walks between them. - -A man walking with a woman returns a bow made to her, lifting his hat, -although the one bowing is a stranger to him. - -Ladies do not talk or call across the street. - -Men should not smoke when driving or walking with women, nor on -promenades much frequented, where they cannot remove the cigar from the -mouth whenever meeting a woman. - -One should never stare at another. - -A man when meeting a woman who is walking and with whom he wishes to -converse, does not allow her to stand while talking, but turns and -walks with her. - -A man cannot refuse to return the bow of any respectable woman. If he -does not wish to recognize her he must avoid her. - -It is much less rude for women to return a recognition coldly, and upon -the next occasion to turn away or to avoid a meeting, than to give a -“cut direct.” - -A man precedes a woman in passing through a crowd; but women precede -men under ordinary circumstances. - -It is not proper for a young girl to walk alone with a young man after -dark, unless she is engaged to him or he is a near relative of hers. -A young woman should meet a young man with whom she has only a slight -acquaintance under her father’s or a proper guardian’s roof. When he -has become well acquainted with her and her family or friends, she may -take occasional walks with him alone in the afternoon, but never in the -evening. - -When two women meet in a door-way, the younger gives precedence to the -elder. - -A man does not first offer to shake hands with a woman unless he is -very well acquainted with her. - -When it becomes necessary for one to address a man or woman whose name -one does not know, it should be as “Sir” or “Madam.” - -It is very bad taste for young women to eat candy during a theatrical -performance, or, indeed, in any public place. - - -TRAVELING. - -One can travel all over the United States alone, and if she conducts -herself quietly, and as a lady should, she will receive all due -respect. At the same time it is perhaps a little wiser to have a friend -with one, or even, if that is not possible, to be put in the care of -some one who is making the same journey. - -When a young woman is traveling alone and is obliged to stay at a -hotel, she is shown to a reception room and sends for a clerk to come -to her. After the business arrangements are made, she either gives him -a card or tells him her name, and he registers for her. There is no -reason why she should go into a public room or register herself. - -It is not customary, unless one is without luggage, to pay in advance -at a hotel. - -Fees are usually given on leaving the steamer to the steward or -stewardess, deck steward, head waiter, waiter of the particular table -at which one has taken his meals, and any other servants who have made -themselves useful to him during the voyage. The amount of the fees -depends on the amount of the service that has been required, varying -from $1 to $5 for each. Living in lodgings abroad is much cheaper than -living in hotels, and in most of the large cities such accommodations -may be had at reasonable rates, and are very comfortable. The prices -for lodging vary according to location, etc. A steamer trunk should -suffice for a traveler who makes a short trip abroad and intends to -spend all his time traveling and sight-seeing. Money for a short -trip can be carried on the person, in a belt, or a pocket hung about -the neck. For a trip of some length a letter of credit is more -convenient, and can be obtained from any banking-house having foreign -connections. In some countries traveling in the second-class carriages -is very comfortable; in others it is not. In Italy a traveler can be -comfortable only by traveling first-class; in France second-class is -not bad; and in Germany and Great Britain it is perfectly comfortable, -and preferable to first-class in many respects. - -A rush and scramble at a railway ticket office is only carried on by -ill-bred people, or by those who appear so at the time. - -If a woman offers to seat herself beside a man, he should rise at once -and give her the choice of seats. - -No real gentlemen would be unmindful of the comfort and convenience of -women, while traveling, from a selfish motive. - -In the cars one has no right to keep a window open, if the current of -air thus produced annoys another. - -A woman should always be careful to thank a person for any little -attention he may bestow upon her while traveling. - - -BICYCLING. - -As to rules of politeness for bicyclers, one who is a true lady will -show herself to be one as surely when riding a wheel as at any other -time, not only by her costume, which will be unobtrusive in color, cut, -and adjustment, but by her manner, which will be even more quiet and -self-possessed than usual, as she well knows that by mounting a wheel -she makes herself more or less conspicuous. It goes without saying that -she will not ride fast enough to attract undue attention; that she will -not chew gum; and that she will not allow advances from strangers, -who may, like herself, be on a wheel, and, to all appearances, may be -gentlemen. Neither will she ride off alone after dark, nor take long -rides in the evening attended only by an escort. In the daytime, when -out only with a man friend, she will avoid stopping to rest under the -trees and in out of the way places. Too much care cannot be taken, -especially by young girls, as to appearances. Their very innocence and -ignorance lays them open to criticism. - - -TELEPHONING. - -For the benefit of those who but seldom make use of the telephone, and -consequently feel more or less ill at ease when attempting to use one, -and also for those who, from ignorance of the first laws of politeness, -or who, from thoughtlessness, ignore them, a few hints upon the subject -may not come amiss. It is after having called up “Central,” and been -given the number requested, that one often stands in need of no small -amount of tact and good breeding, as well as of some idea of the best -method of procedure. When there are several different persons using -the same line, two or three of them may mistake the call for theirs, -and all rush to the telephone at once. If at all stupid, or lacking in -politeness, they will make it quite unpleasant for each other. The one -entitled to speak should politely inquire for the one for whom she has -called at the telephone, also giving her own name as the one delivering -the message. If this does not suffice to enlighten those who sometimes -keep calling “hello,” “hello,” without waiting to learn if they are -the ones desired, the one talking should again announce herself, and -the name of the one to whom she wishes to speak. Then, occasionally, -even while in the midst of a conversation, some one will break in -with a “Hello!” “Who is it?” “What do you want?” etc., which is quite -distracting. If one can gain a hearing in no other way, it is well to -say: “Excuse me, I hold the line.” If this does not bring order out of -chaos, one should ring off and call again. - -One should be careful not to call up friends at inconvenient hours, -and when one is notified by a servant, or otherwise, that someone, the -name being given, is at the telephone wishing to speak with her, she -should certainly be as expeditious as possible in replying; for, by -holding the wire, she is inconveniencing others, as well as the one -who is waiting for her. No lady needs to be warned against speaking -discourteously under any circumstances to the telephone assistants at -the central office. It is in these little things that one shows herself -to be well-bred or not. - -None, of course, but the most informal of invitations can be delivered -by telephone. - -Servants should be taught always to answer the telephone politely and -intelligently. When answering, a servant should say whose residence it -is, if asked, not by giving the family name, as “Smith,” but as “Mr. -Smith,” and then, if asked who is at the instrument, she should reply, -“Mrs. Smith’s cook” or “maid.” - -One’s individual manners, and ordinary polite or impolite forms of -address, are very noticeable when accentuated by the telephone. - -[Illustration] - - - - -CHAPTER VI. - -THE TABLE AND SERVICE AT TABLE, HABITS AT TABLE, SERVANTS AND SERVING. - - “God may forgive sins, but awkwardness has no - forgiveness in Heaven or earth.”—_Hawthorne._ - - -THE TABLE AND SERVICE AT TABLE. - -The table looks best when not over-decorated. The housekeeper who -cannot make changes in her table decoration finds that a mirror -centerpiece is a background that multiplies the beauty of her flowers, -fruit, leaves, or whatever may constitute the decoration. - -A unique and effective decoration for a luncheon table is made of long, -narrow bouquets of white carnations, tied with bows of yellow satin -ribbon, and arranged so that the ribbons all meet in the center of the -table, while the points are directed towards the guests. The effect is -of a great golden-hearted daisy. - -A pretty conceit for decorating a dainty table is to cluster a number -of small palms together in the center of the table. Around these place -small ferns, while beyond the latter arrange yards of smilax so as to -conceal the pots. Outside of all have a flat border composed of loose -bunches of pinks, roses, and maiden-hair ferns. Tie these with wide -pink satin ribbons, a long end of which should extend from each bouquet -down to the place of each of the women guests, and have her name -painted in gold upon it. Then there should be _boutonnières_ of pink -carnations for the men. - -Menu cards are not ordinarily used at any but the most formal kind of -an entertainment. They are always seen at large functions, men’s public -dinners, etc., which are usually given in a hotel or restaurant; but -in a private house individual menu cards, whether at a dinner or a -luncheon, are exceptional. - -When the dinner is large and formal, or even when it numbers only eight -or ten, it is wise to have small cards with the names of the guests -at each place at the table, and, if the guests are strangers to each -other, to have a tray in the men’s dressing-room or hall where they -remove their coats and hats with tiny envelopes addressed to each, -containing little cards on which is written the name of the dinner -partner. The hostess must see that, as soon as two dinner partners are -in the receiving room before dinner, they meet each other, and have a -chance for a little conversation before the meal is announced; and she -should also make a point to introduce each woman before dinner to the -man who is to sit on the other side of her. - -Introductions are not proper at the table, and at a large dinner it is -awkward to introduce all one’s guests to each other before the meal. -At a small dinner, of course, it is not necessary to observe all this -formality, and the hostess may introduce her guests to each other -without much ceremony, when the company numbers only four or six; but -with more, each woman should be provided with a partner who escorts her -to the table. At a small function there need be but a few minutes of -waiting before the guests are all seated. The guest of honor sits at -the right of the host. - -As to the manner of arranging the table, there is some difference -of opinion. However, generally speaking, there should be a napkin, -squarely folded, in front of each guest, and at the left of it the -forks, _i. e._, a fish fork and a large and a small ordinary fork. -At the right of the napkin should be the knives and spoons, a glass, -bread-and-butter plate (if used), and a salt cellar; and in the center -of the table on an embroidered centerpiece or circular mirror, the -floral decorations. At the head of the table, upon an embroidered -square, are laid the tea service,—the urn, the cups and saucers, the -cream pitcher, sugar bowl, etc.; at the other end are placed the dishes -for serving. Scattered about on circular doilies are the dishes of -jelly, preserves, pickles (sweet and sour), olives, salted almonds, etc. - -Chafing-dishes are used to prepare such dishes as terrapin, oysters, or -whatever may be cooked absolutely on the table. A napkin and plate, or -tray, is best liked for removing crumbs. - -Finger bowls should always follow the last course at formal and -informal meals alike, except at breakfast, when, if fruit is the first -course, the finger-bowl is put on the table when the covers are laid -ready for the fruit course. - -Spoon-holders are no longer used, but if one should be fancied it would -be better to put the bowl of the spoon in the holder first. - -Unless one serves something more than wafers, small cakes, tea, and -chocolate on an “at home” day, napkins are not necessary; if, however, -there is some dish that will soil the fingers or the lips, then there -should be a pile of small napkins on the tea-table. - -Tooth-picks should not be put on the table, nor should they be used -outside one’s own room. - -It is not necessary to fold one’s napkin when only one meal is to be -eaten in the house in which one is staying. - -The day for tying cakes, sandwiches, etc., with ribbons has passed. - -The waitress should stand with a tray in her hand behind the host’s -chair to receive each plate as it is filled, passing it to the left -of the guest, and waiting for him to remove it. When the hostess is -pouring tea or coffee, the maid’s place is by her left side in waiting -for the cups. After that she should be on the alert to see when the -glasses need filling, or when there is bread, pickles, or anything to -be passed. When removing the plates it should be from the right side of -the guest, but everything should be offered at the left that the right -hand may be used to receive it. - -When a dish is passed and there is no maid in attendance, one should -help himself and pass it on. If a dish is standing near one, under such -circumstances, he may quite properly ask if he may help himself, and do -so. - -When a plate is passed for a helping, the knife and fork are laid well -to the side of the plate, so placed that they will not fall off, and -yet not be in the way of the server. - -All the appurtenances of each course should be removed before the -succeeding one is served. The bread-and-butter plates, however, should -be removed before the salad course, as crackers and cheese are passed -with this, the salad plate being used to hold all three things. - -The salted almonds should be started about the table by the hostess -soon after the guests are seated. Some hostesses possess cut-glass -or china individual dishes, on which the almonds are placed when the -guest helps himself, but it is quite usual for them to be placed on the -bread-and-butter plate. - -Bonbons should be passed by the maid when the coffee is served, and -eaten from the plate from which the finger-bowl and doily have been -removed. - -It is not important whether tumblers or goblets are used on the -dinner-table; each season brings its own custom. - -The bread-and-butter plates at a formal dinner serve the purpose -only of bread plates, as it is not customary to serve butter on such -occasions. If it is used, however, butter should be made into tiny -balls, and one or two placed on each bread-and-butter plate. - -It is customary to put the vegetables served with the meat on the -same plate. The use of individual dishes for vegetables is no longer -approved. - -Oranges are seldom served at dinner unless they are specially prepared, -that is, with the skin taken off, and the sections divided, in which -case the fruit is eaten from a fork. - -Cheese and crackers of some sort are always served with salad courses. - -At a formal dinner bouillon or consommé is usually served in -soup-plates. At a supper or luncheon it is oftenest served in cups. The -regulation cups are those having handles on each side. - -When oysters are served on the half-shell, they are usually placed upon -the table before the meal is announced. - -It is not customary to serve fruit as a first course at dinner, though -at a lunch it is quite proper. - -Grape-fruit must be served ice cold. It is served in two ways: either -it is cut in halves, midway between the blossom and the stem end, the -seeds removed, the pulp loosened with a sharp knife, but served in -the natural skin, to be eaten with a spoon; or the pulp and seeds are -entirely removed from the skin with a sharp knife, and the edible part -only served in deep dessert plates. Pulverized sugar should accompany -grape-fruit. - -In waiting upon plates, one should never pour gravy on the food, but -place it at one side. - -The salad course at dinner always succeeds the game course. - -After dinner coffee is served in small cups and without cream. In -many houses rock-candy, crushed in very small pieces, is used as a -substitute for sugar, the claim being made that it gives a purer -sweetness. - -Cut sugar is served with coffee, and powdered sugar with fruit or -oatmeal. - -Coffee may be served at the table or in the drawing-room as is best -liked. People are not asked if they will have it; it is served to them. -Only sugar is offered with black coffee. - - -HABITS AT TABLE. - -Nothing indicates the good breeding of a man so much as his manners -at table. There are a thousand little points to be observed, which, -although not absolutely necessary, distinctly stamp the refined and -well-bred man. A man may pass muster by dressing well, and may sustain -himself tolerably in conversation; but, if he is not nearly perfect in -table etiquette, dining will betray him. - -Any unpleasant peculiarity, abruptness, or coarseness of manner is -especially offensive at table. People are more easily disgusted at -that time than at any other. - -One should never rest the arms upon the table, but keep the left hand, -when not in use, lying quietly in the lap. - -A man guest should never precede his hostess into or out of the -dining-room, but should wait respectfully by the door for her to pass. - -A soup-plate should never be tilted for the last spoonful. - -The mouth should be kept closed in eating, and as little noise made as -possible. - -A goblet should be held by the stem, and not by the bowl. - -Bread should be broken and not cut before buttering it to eat. - -A knife should never be used at table except where one is unable to cut -his food with his fork; it should never be used in conveying food to -the mouth. - -A knife should be held by its handle, and the finger not allowed to -extend up on the blade. In eating with a fork it should be held in the -right hand. - -The fork is generally used with the tines curving upward. - -Olives are eaten from the fingers; pickles, from a fork. It is usual to -put either a small fork or a long-handled spoon with a small bowl on -the dish containing olives or pickles, and one should use it in helping -one’s self. - -The tips of the fingers are put in the finger-bowls and may then -moisten the lips. Both lips and finger tips are dried on the napkin, -which is not afterwards folded. - -Watermelons are eaten with a fork, and cantaloupes with either a spoon -or a fork. - -A baked potato should be eaten from the plate after it has been pushed -out of its skin by the fork. - -Dried beef is eaten with a fork. - -Grape seeds may be removed from the mouth with the fingers. The seeds -of watermelons should be taken from the fruit with a fork before the -fruit is put into the mouth. - -Fish bones are taken from the mouth with the fingers. Care, however, is -usually taken to leave as few bones as possible in the fish, since the -general use of the silver knife with the silver fork has made it easy -to separate the bones from the meat. - -Bananas are broken with a fork, and a piece is conveyed to the mouth on -a fork. - -When a servant offers one a dish, he should help himself without taking -it from her hand. - -When drinking from a cup, the spoon should be left in the saucer, where -it also remains when the cup is empty. - -It is not proper to eat gravy with bits of bread; instead, it should be -regarded as a sauce, and simply eaten on the meat of which it forms a -portion. - -It is decreed by custom that the small bones of any bird may be taken -in the fingers, and the meat eaten from the bone. But this must always -be done daintily. - -What is known as “layer cake” is eaten from a fork, and in serving it -one uses either a pie-knife or a tablespoon and a fork. - -Cheese is eaten with a fork. - -After-dinner coffee is taken directly from the cup, and not from the -spoon. - -Crackers should be eaten from the hand, and not be broken into soup. - -When bread is passed, one takes a slice as it is cut, and does not -break it and leave a portion on the plate. Bread is always eaten from -the fingers. - -Raw oysters are eaten with a small oyster-fork from the shell. In -helping one’s self to salt, the little salt-spoon is used, and the salt -is placed on the plate. - -When strawberries are served with their stems on, one picks one up by -the stem, dips it into the soft sugar at the side of the plate, and -eats it from the stem. Bonbons are eaten from the fingers. If a spoon -is in the dish from which they are served, then one uses it; if not, -the fingers are proper. - -An apple or a pear may be held on a fork, and pared with a knife; or it -may be quartered, and each quarter held in the fingers, and then pared. -Dates are eaten from the fingers. - -When one answers “thank you” to an invitation to partake of a certain -dish at the table, “yes” is meant. - -One should break a small piece of bread off the slice, then butter it -and eat it. Only very small children in the nursery bite from a slice -of buttered bread. - -One need not fear to take the last piece on the plate when it is -offered. It would be more impolite to refuse it. - -It is very bad form to pile up, or in any way arrange the plates or -small dishes put before one, for the benefit of the waiter. She should -do her own work, which is to take away the plates without any help. - -When one wishes for bread, or anything of that sort, he should simply -ask for it, either addressing his request to the servant or, if there -is none, to whomever the bread may be nearest, if it is on the table. - -Upon leaving the table, and the signal for leaving is given when the -hostess rises, one’s napkin should be placed upon the table unfolded, -unless one is to remain for another meal. - -At a formal dinner party the host should enter the dining-room first -and with the lady in whose honor the dinner is given; the hostess goes -into the dining-room last with the most important man guest, who should -be seated at her right. - -Where menus are used they should be placed on the left-hand side, -beside the forks. When the dinner is over, at a signal from the -hostess, the women rise and retire to the drawing-room, where coffee -is usually served, the men remaining in the dining-room for coffee and -cigars. - -Five o’clock tea may be served in a variety of ways: the hostess may -brew it herself in a teapot upon her tea-table in the parlor; she -may make it by pouring boiling water over a tea-ball; or it may be -served by either a man or maid servant in the dining-room. Its proper -accompaniments are sugar, cream, sliced lemon, and either wafers, thin -sandwiches, or cake. - -It is in better form to have a luncheon served at a large table, -especially when the guests do not number more than twenty, than to have -small tables. Two o’clock is the fashionable hour for a luncheon; -after it is over the guests usually disperse. - -A host, in entertaining at a hotel or a restaurant, even if he -entertains only one woman, should give the order for the meal himself, -and save her the slight embarrassment it may be for her to make her -own selection. The most courteous thing is for him to order the meal -beforehand, but if the occasion is very informal and he prefers to -wait until they are at the table, he should, after he and his guest -are seated, hand the menu to her and ask if she has any especial -preference, and then, respecting her wishes, give the order himself to -the waiter. - -If, however, friends happen in, and are asked informally to stay to -a meal at a hotel, they may order themselves what they want from the -menu, and, if necessary, the host or hostess of the occasion may pay -the bill before leaving the dining-room, but the bill should not be -paid until the guests have departed. - -In giving one’s order for dinner at the hotel, oysters come first, then -soup, fish, a roast or a bird, ices, whatever dessert may be desired, -and coffee. Very often a woman is well served, when she is alone, by -allowing the waiter to arrange a dinner for her. - -If the only guest at the family dinner-table is a man, he should not be -served until all the ladies of the family have been attended to. - -If the hostess is the only woman at the table, she is served first, -as a lady is of most importance from a social standpoint, and it is -always proper to attend to her wants first. After her the man who is a -visitor, or whose age gives him precedence, receives attention. - -The guest of honor at a tea arrives a little earlier than the other -guests, and remains somewhat later, but at a luncheon or dinner she -should appear at the regulation time. One should remove one’s gloves -at a luncheon, but the retaining of the hat is entirely a matter of -personal taste. - -The inconsiderate guest who arrives late for luncheon or dinner is -shown immediately into the dining-room, and the hostess does not leave -her guests, but simply rises and motions him to a seat when he enters -the room. - -Ten minutes is the time usually allowed for each course where more than -a six-course dinner is served. - -The correct and usual way of seating a bridal party at a wedding -entertainment is for the groom to sit at one end of the table, and -the bride at the other end, the best man on the bride’s right, and -the maid of honor or first bridemaid on the groom’s right. The other -bridemaids and ushers are placed wherever seems best. As a usual thing, -the parents of the bride and groom do not sit at the same table with -the immediate bridal party, but at another table, together with the -near relatives on both sides, and perhaps the minister who officiated -at the wedding and his wife; but if it seems desirable to have the -parents at the bridal table, it is perfectly proper to seat them there. - -There are certain distinctive features of a bridal table which must be -in evidence. One is the wedding or bride’s cake, and this cake should -be the central ornament, and should be surrounded with a wreath of -roses. The place-cards should have the initials of the bride and groom -woven together for decoration, and the souvenirs may be small satin -boxes containing wedding cake. - - -SERVANTS AND SERVING. - -There is so much to say upon the subject of servants, notwithstanding -so much has already been said, it is difficult to know where to begin. -But, in the first place, every woman should remember that servants are, -like herself, human, and that in our free America, they are becoming -very independent, not to say self-assertive. Thus a house mistress has -no small matter to deal with when she demands obedience and respectful -attention from girls who are generally ignorant, and often impudent -and ill-bred. The greatest strength of the mistress lies in her power -to control herself, and while she must demand respectfulness from her -servants, she can often avoid a clash with them by using a little tact. -If they are treated in a kind, though dignified, manner, unless very -degenerate, they will usually respond satisfactorily. - -One can speak, with perfect propriety, of the one servant employed as -“the maid,” but not as “our girl.” - -Servants should be expected to dress neatly, and where there is but -one, she should have a clean white apron ready to put on when answering -the door-bell, being prepared with a tray to receive the caller’s card. -She should also know, before answering the bell, who is in and who is -not at home, and what excuse, if any, to make for each one called for. - -Servants should never be allowed to call any member of the family from -a distance, as from the foot of the stairs, but should go to the one to -whom she wishes to speak, and deliver her message. - -It is hard to say, under all circumstances, what to expect of a nursery -governess, and what should be her privileges. To treat her with the -greatest consideration is well worth while; for one is compensated in -being able to get an intelligent, ladylike woman who may be trusted -to guide her charges wisely. One may ask a governess to sleep in the -same room with the children, dress and undress them, eat with them, and -teach them, and take the entire charge of them; but, of course, one -will provide some attractive place for her to sit during the evening, -while the children are asleep in her room. It is also necessary to see -that her meals are well cooked and carefully served, and to permit -her to be free one afternoon and evening every week. She should be -addressed as “Miss Smith,” not by her first name. - -It is expedient to supervise the work of the general house-work servant -as much as possible; and if it is more convenient for her to go up the -front stairs to announce callers, and to go down them to answer the -front door, certainly allow her to use the front stairs instead of the -back ones on occasions. A waitress or parlor-maid is no more privileged -to use the front stairs than a general house-work servant. A nurse may -be, with propriety, wherever her charges are allowed. - -If a maid is expected to wear a cap, it is usually furnished by the -lady of the house. - -It is good form to address the servants one knows when entering a -house, and to thank them for any attention. - -It is unfortunate that the English system of feeing has come into vogue -here. But it is quite customary now, for a guest, after a visit, even a -short one, to bestow upon a servant a small fee, say, of a dollar. - -[Illustration] - - - - -CHAPTER VII. - -FUNERALS, MOURNING. - - Civility implies self-sacrifice; it is the last touch, - the crowning perfection of a noble character.—_Mathews._ - - -FUNERALS. - -At no place is a lack of system, and an observance of formality, more -noticeable than at a funeral. An undertaker generally has charge -of the details, and where he is well informed and has sufficient -assistance, he can manage affairs nicely, but there is a great deal of -unostentatious service that may be done by friends, indeed, must be. -They can assist the servants in arranging the house, flowers, etc., -before the funeral; meet any who may call at the door; and in every way -stand between the afflicted family and the outside world. Of course -none but intimate friends can be of service at such a time. All others, -no matter how willing, can but call at the door with offers of service, -and even that should not be carried far enough to appear intrusive. - -At a house funeral the family remains upstairs, or in a side room, -and is not seen. The remains are in the drawing-room, where they are -usually viewed by those present when passing out. The clergyman stands -near the head of the casket, if in so doing his voice can be well -heard. If there is singing, it is usually done by a quartet or by a -smaller number of persons, who are seated at the head of the stairs out -of sight and unaccompanied by any musical instrument. Those who are not -going to the cemetery quietly disperse at the close of the service. -Carriages are in waiting for the family, and the cortege moves as soon -after the close of the service as possible. - -In the meantime the nurse (if one still remains at the house), or some -friend, with the assistance of the servants, makes everything look as -natural and pleasant as possible before the return of the family. If -visitors come in later, of course it depends upon circumstances whether -or not they should be admitted. - -Church funerals are more formal. The congregation assembles, and when -the carriages containing the family arrive, the organ plays softly, and -the procession enters, the relatives walking close to the casket, and -sitting as near it as possible. After the services the procession moves -out in the same order, and the people in the pews wait until is has -passed on. - -The crêpe that is hung at the door-bell has often combined with it -ribbon streamers, those for the aged being black, for a younger person -purple, and for a child white with white crêpe also. Flowers should be -sent to the bereaved, in due time after the death, in token of sympathy. - - -MOURNING. - -The putting on of mourning is a question that should be decided -entirely by those most deeply concerned. Many families never follow the -custom, and even wear white instead of black on the day of the funeral, -while others seem to consider the wearing of crêpe as a mark of respect -shown to the dead. To assume the expense such a change in clothing -would entail, may sometimes be placing a burden upon the living for -the sake of the dead, which certainly neither custom nor reason should -demand. Then, to many, the wearing of crêpe is so depressing that it -is a sin against one’s self to put it on. None but narrow-minded, -uncultivated persons would ever think of criticising one for not doing -so. Of course one would naturally feel like dressing in as subdued -colors as possible, if not in assuming half mourning (black and white, -lavendar, drab, etc.) if not deep black or crêpe. - -When mourning is worn by a wife for a husband, it is worn from one to -two years, at least. - -The question of wearing mourning for one’s betrothed must be decided -by one’s self, for it is purely a personal question that the laws of -etiquette do not govern. - -When crêpe is laid aside, black-bordered paper and black-bordered cards -are no longer proper. While wearing all black on the street, after -crêpe is laid aside, one may wear, with propriety, all white in the -house. - -While in deep mourning one does not go into society. All that mourning -etiquette demands is that one acknowledge her calls with her visiting -cards, which should be sent in return for a call within two weeks after -it is made, and should go by hand rather than by mail. - -One sends invitations to one’s friends who are in mourning, to show -that they are not forgotten. - - - - -CHAPTER VIII. - -POLITENESS OF YOUNG CHILDREN. - - Give a boy address and accomplishments, and you give - him the mastery of palaces and fortunes wherever he - goes.—_Ralph Waldo Emerson._ - - -A mother once asked a clergyman when she should begin to educate her -child, then three years old. “Madam,” was his reply, “you have lost -three years already.” - -As soon as the child can talk, its lessons in politeness should begin. -Among a child’s first words should be “please” and “thank you.” - -A child should never be allowed to leave the table, after it is old -enough to understand and to say it, without asking to be excused. - -A child should be taught to pass behind and not before one. - -Little boys should never be allowed to keep their hats on in the house. - -Children, when very young, should be taught to be generous and polite -to their little visitors, and, if necessary, to give up all of anything -where half will not do. - -Children should be taught to “take turns” in playing games, and that no -one should monopolize the pleasantest part of a game. - -Children soon feel a pride in being little ladies and gentlemen, rather -than in being rude and impolite. - -If mothers would impress upon their children’s minds how stupid they -appear when they stand staring at one without answering when addressed -with “good morning” or a like salutation, they would be anxious to know -what to say, and to say it. - -Children do not always know what to answer when addressed. They ought -to be taught, so that they may feel no embarrassment. - -When children inconvenience others, they ought to be taught to say -“excuse me” or “beg pardon.” - -In the cars, or in any public place, a boy or a girl should always -rise, and give his or her place to an older person. - -A child should always learn that it is both naughty and rude to -contradict, and to say “what for” and “why,” when told to do anything. - -A mother who is as careful of her child’s moral nature and manners as -of his physical nature, will guard him from naughty and rude playmates -as closely as she would from measles or whooping-cough. - -A mother should never allow any disrespect in her children’s manners -toward herself, nor toward any one older than they are. They should be -taught especially to reverence the aged. - -Habits of politeness and kindness to the poor are of great worth, and -easily formed in childhood. - -Virtue is born of good habits, and the formation of habits may be said -to constitute almost the whole work of education. - -Habits have been compared to handcuffs, easily put on and difficult to -rid one’s self of. - -Those parents who regulate their lives in accordance with the commands -of the Bible, find many verses which are of great assistance in -teaching politeness to young children, such as, “Be ye courteous one to -another,” “Be respectful to your elder,” “Do to others as ye would that -they should do to you,” etc. - -A child should be thoroughly trained with regard to table manners. The -well-bred child will not chew his food with his mouth half open, talk -with it in his mouth, nor make any unnecessary noises in eating; and he -will handle his knife and fork properly. - -Children should be taught that it is very rude to look into drawers or -boxes, or, in fact, to meddle with or handle anything away from home -that is not intended for them to play with. - -Children should be made to understand that they must not ask too many -questions promiscuously, such as, “Where are you going?” “What have you -there?” etc. - -A child should be taught never to tease a playmate’s mother, or to have -its own mother teased by a playmate. Teasing should not be allowed. - -Children should never be allowed to say “I won’t” and “I will,” even to -each other. - -Children should never be allowed to speak of an elder person by the -last name without the proper prefix. They should also be taught, in -addressing boys and girls, say, sixteen years of age, to use the -prefix, as “Miss” or “Mr.,” before the given name; thus “Miss Alice” -or “Mr. George.” In fact, all people should observe this rule in -addressing the young, except in case the older person is very familiar -with the younger, or in case the latter is too young to be so addressed. - -Children are now taught to say, “Yes, mamma,” “What, mamma?” “Thank -you, mamma,” “Yes, Mrs. Allen,” “What, Mrs. Allen?” etc., in preference -to “Yes, ma’am,” “No, ma’am,” etc. - -Children should be taught that it is rude to yawn without trying to -suppress it, or without concealing the mouth with the hand; to whistle -or hum in the presence of older persons; or to make any monotonous -noise with feet or hands, beating time, etc.; to play with napkin -rings, or any article at table during meal time; to pick the teeth -with the fingers; to trim or clean one’s nails outside one’s room; to -lounge anywhere in the presence of company; to place the elbows on the -table, or to lean upon it while eating; to speak of absent persons by -their first names, when they would not so address them if they were -present; to acquire the habit of saying “you know,” “says he,” “says -she;” to use slang words; to tattle; to hide the mouth with the hand -when speaking; to point at anyone or anything with the finger; to stare -at persons; to laugh at one’s own stories or remarks; to toss articles -instead of handing them; to leave the table with food in the mouth; to -take possession of a seat that belongs to another without instantly -rising upon his return; to leave anyone without saying “good-by;” to -interrupt any one in conversation; to push; to ridicule others; to -pass, without speaking, any one whom they know; etc. - -Some young people are not as particular as they should be about certain -articles of the toilet, such as combs, brushes, etc. One should always -have such things for his own individual use. It is exceedingly -impolite to use any toilet article belonging to another. - -It is ill-mannered to ask questions about affairs that do not concern -one, or to pry into the private affairs of one’s friends. To inquire -the cost of articles indiscriminately, is impudent. - -If parents are not at home when visitors come in, or are too busy to -see them at once, a child, in the absence of a maid, should politely -show them in, offer them a comfortable chair, show them anything he -thinks they will be interested in, and make every effort to entertain -them agreeably until such time as his parents can take his place. He -should then politely withdraw from the room. - -Children and young people should early learn not to monopolize the best -light or the most desirable seat in the room, but to look about when -anyone enters, whether a guest or an older member of their own family, -and see if by giving up their own place the new-comer may be made more -comfortable. - -A boy ought to show to his mother and sisters every attention he would -show to any other woman. Should they chance to meet on the street he -should politely raise his hat. He should allow them to pass first -through a door, give them the inside of the walk, help them into a -carriage, and everywhere and under all circumstances treat them with -politeness and deference. Girls should of course treat their brothers -in the same polite manner; for they can hardly expect to receive -attentions where they are unwilling to bestow them. - -Children, especially little boys, should be taught not to precede their -mothers, or any woman, into theaters, street cars, churches, elevators, -or into the house or even a room. - - -SCHOOL-ROOM ETIQUETTE. - - “Good manners are the shadows of virtues, if not - virtues themselves.” - -If teachers realized the inestimable amount of good they might -accomplish by giving a little time and thought to the manners of their -pupils, surely they would willingly give it. Those of their pupils who -have no proper training at home would thus gain a knowledge which, in -after life, would prove a blessing. And such a course acted upon by the -teacher would be of great assistance to the parents of those who are -well trained at home; for a large portion of a child’s time is spent in -school, and under conditions that require such training. - -Teachers must treat their scholars politely if they expect polite -treatment from them. - -Every teacher should see that no pupil is allowed to treat those of a -lower station in life with disrespect. - -It is a common occurrence for a teacher to speak with seeming -disrespect of a pupil’s parents, blaming them for the pupil’s lack of -interest in school, truancy, etc. Such a course is highly reprehensible -in the teacher, and gains the pupil’s ill-will. It is better to assume -that the parents would be displeased with anything wrong in the pupil, -and to appeal to the pupil for his mother’s or father’s sake. - -A teacher should never allow herself or himself to be addressed by -pupils as “Teacher,” but as Miss or Mr. Smith. - -If pupils would take pains to bid a teacher “good-morning” and -“good-night,” they would appear well in so doing, and easily give -pleasure to another. - -The entire atmosphere of a school-room is dependent upon trifles. Where -a teacher, by her own actions and in accordance with her requirements, -insures kindness and politeness from all to all, she may feel almost -sure of the success of her school. - -Young misses ought to be addressed by the teacher as “Miss Julia,” -“Miss Annie.” Young boys (too young to be addressed as Mr.) should be -addressed as “Master Brown,” “Master Jones,” etc. - -Teachers should use great discretion in reproving any unintentional -rudeness, especially on the part of those ignorant from lack of home -training. If such were reproved gently and privately, it would be -more efficacious and just. No one should be allowed to appear to -disadvantage from ignorance. - -Selfishness, untruthfulness, slang, rowdyism, egotism, or any show of -superiority should be corrected in the school-room. - -Young teachers hardly realize with what fear and dread mothers intrust -to them their carefully reared children, especially young ones. - -[Illustration] - - - - -CHAPTER X. - -OFFICIAL ETIQUETTE. - - “Good fashion rests on realty, and hates nothing so - much as pretenders.”—_Emerson._ - - -All presentations to foreign courts are made through the national -representatives, and from them is received all the information desired -in reference to the necessary forms and ceremonies. - -Kings and queens are addressed as “Your Majesty.” The Prince of Wales, -the crown princes, and all other princes and princesses are addressed -as “Your Royal Highness.” - -The President’s “levees” at Washington are open to all, and are -conducted very much as an ordinary “reception.” As one enters, an -official announces him, and he proceeds directly to the president and -his lady, and pays his respects. - -The door of the White House may be said never to be closed, and any -one who desires may call upon its occupants as upon those of any other -dwelling. He may not, however, obtain a personal interview. This, to be -secured, he must seek in the company of an official or intimate friend -of the president, who will be able to judge of the claims for attention -of a visitor. - -No particular style of dress is required to make one’s appearance at -the Republican Court. - -No refreshments are expected to be offered at a presidential reception. - -Custom does not require that the wife of the president of the United -States should return official calls. Exception is made in the case of -visiting Royalty. The wives of the foreign ambassadors should make the -first call upon the wife of the vice-president, as should the wives -of the cabinet officials. At a function given by officials of foreign -governments at Washington, the wife of the secretary of state takes -precedence over the wives of the foreign ambassadors. - -[Illustration] - - - - -CHAPTER XI. - -BUSINESS CORRESPONDENCE, APPLICATIONS, ETC. - - Since custom is the principal magistrate of human - life, let men by all means endeavor to obtain good - customs.—_Lord Bacon._ - - -CORRESPONDENCE. - -BUSINESS CORRESPONDENCE. - -Closely written postal cards and long letters meet with little favor -among business men; therefore it is important to make business -correspondence as plain and brief as possible. - -Names of places and persons should be written very plainly. - -When a letter is written in reply to another, the date of the letter to -which the reply is made should be given, and it is an excellent plan, -and one that saves much time, to give in a letter the substance of the -one to which it is a reply. This is especially desirable when accepting -a special offer made in such letter, thus: - - Mr. A. FLANAGAN, Chicago, Illinois. - - _Dear Sir:_ - - Your favor of Feb. 15, in which you offer us a discount - of 33-1/3 per cent. on your books, when purchased in - lots of 100 or more, came duly. We herewith enclose - our check for three hundred dollars ($300.), for which - please ship us, by freight the following: - - 100 copies of “Words; Their Use and Abuse.” - 100 “ “Getting on in the World.” - 100 “ “Hours with Men and Books.” - - Respectfully, - GEO. W. JONES & CO. - - Boulder, Colo., April 3, 1899. - - - Griggsville, Ill. MESSRS. HARPER & BROTHERS, New York. - - _Gentlemen:_ - - Enclosed is a post-office order for $3, for which - please send me Harper’s New Monthly Magazine for one - year, beginning with the May number. - - Respectfully, - (MISS) SARA BROWN. - -When writing a business letter, a married woman should sign her name as -she would sign it when writing any other letter; that is, by placing -her first name and surname in the usual position of the signature, and -adding, a little to the left-hand, her name in full, with the address, -thus: - - St. Paul, Minn., Nov. 9th, 1899. - - MESSRS. HARPER & BROTHERS, New York. - - _Gentlemen:_ - - Please send me one copy of “How Women Should Ride,” for - which you will find enclosed one dollar and twenty-five - cents ($1.25). - - Respectfully, - EMMA C. BOWEN. - MRS. CHARLES E. BOWEN, - 324 Dupont Avenue. - -When writing to a person or firm for information solely for one’s own -benefit, a postal card or a stamped envelope should be enclosed for a -reply. - -It is a too common custom among people unacquainted with the rules -of business, when sending an order to one firm, to enclose money to -be paid another, or with which to make small purchases in some other -line, to be sent in the package ordered from the firm with which the -correspondence is held. The proper way to do when one wishes to order -goods from different houses in the same city, and yet have all the -goods shipped in the same package, is to write an order to each firm -requesting the goods to be delivered to the firm with which one does -the most business, having, of course, notified such firm of his action. - -It has become so common among people to request everything “by return -mail” that business men look upon such requests as a mere form, rather -than as an evidence of urgency. If such urgency exists, it is well to -state the cause of it in a few words, and request immediate attention -to the order, thus: - - Harvard, Ill., Nov. 2, 1899. - - MESSRS. A. C. MCCLURG & CO., Chicago. - - _Gentlemen:_ - - I enclose herewith $2, for which please send me a copy - of Longfellow’s poetical works. You will oblige me by - sending the book by return mail, as I wish to use it on - the evening of the 4th inst. - - Respectfully, - JAMES WELLS. - -Whoever writes a caustic letter makes a mistake; for it will do no -good, even if there seems to be a cause for it, and if the assumed -cause proves to be simply a mistake the writer will be humiliated. - - -LETTERS OF APPLICATION. - -It is sometimes difficult to write a letter of application, because -one must speak of himself and of his ability to fill the position -sought, and to do so without seeming egotistic. If the applicant has -had experience in work similar to that for which he applies, a simple -statement of the fact, the length of time engaged in such work, the -reason for quitting his last position, and the name and address of his -former employer, should form the substance of his letter. If he has had -no experience, he should state what advantages he has had to qualify -himself for the work, and not boast that he could soon and easily learn -to do it. - -The following will exemplify the points: - - - 124 La Salle St., - Chicago, Sept. 24, 1899. - - MESSRS. A. G. BAKER & CO., - Kirkwood, Ohio. - - _Gentlemen:_ - - I am informed by a friend, Mr. C. A. Brooks, of your - village, that you are in want of a book-keeper, and - I desire to make application for the position. I am - a young man, but have had several years experience - in keeping books. I am now in charge of the books of - Messrs. Jones & Williams, of this city, to whom I - can refer you for information as to my ability and - character. I desire to go to the country, and should be - glad to work for you, if you can pay me $70 per month, - which is my present salary. - - Very respectfully, - T. R. MILLER. - - - Salem, Wis., May 15, 1899. - MESSRS. CLARK & WILLIAMS, - 107 State Street, Chicago. - - _Gentlemen:_ - - I am informed that your shipping clerk is soon to - leave, and that the position now held by him will be - vacant. I desire to apply for the same, but I am sorry - to state that I have not had any experience in this - particular line of work; however, I have been a general - clerk in a village store, and am familiar with simple - book-keeping, which would probably enable me to learn - the work of a shipping clerk in a reasonable length of - time. - - In case you should wish to engage me on trial, I would - gladly assist, without compensation, your present clerk - until the end of his engagement, which, I understand, - is about three weeks from date. - - My present employer is Mr. G. W. Webster, of this - place, and he will doubtless answer any inquiries - concerning my work that you may address him. - - Respectfully, - GEO. E. JOHNSON. - -Such letters should always contain a stamp for a reply. The stamp is -attached by its corner or by a pin to the head of the letter. - -Great precaution should always be taken not to send a letter with -insufficient postage on it; for the additional postage is collected -from the person to whom the letter is sent, and many business men look -upon such neglect as inexcusable, if they do not consider it dishonest, -inasmuch as it compels others to pay what the writer should have known -it was his duty to pay. - -An application for a position as teacher in a public school is often -very difficult to write, because it is necessary to say much, and to -say it, in some cases, to men who are not thoroughly familiar with -business principles. - -Before giving any forms, some suggestions which experience has taught -may be of great importance. The handwriting should be natural. If one -has a degree, he should not sign his name with it, but state in his -letter that he is a graduate, naming the institution from which he was -graduated. All boasting should be avoided. One should not ask a reply -by return mail, but he might enclose a postal card or a stamp with a -request to be informed when the board meets to consider applications. -One ought not to name as references persons who know nothing about his -work; for although they may, if consulted, endeavor to praise him, -they will show their ignorance of what he has done, and the board will -naturally assume that he has no better references. - -As a rule it is not advisable to give testimonials from ministers or -from county superintendents, unless the writers can say that they are -familiar with the teacher’s work, and have visited his school. Very -old testimonials should not be placed before a board. Indeed, it is -doubtful whether any testimonial, unless it comes from a competent -judge, is of value. - -If boards would consult one’s references, or seek information from -outside sources, it would be only just to all concerned; but as they -will not often do this, it is wise to send copies of two or three, -generally not more, good testimonials, and to have one or two of the -applicant’s friends write the board in his behalf. - -A letter of application, especially if for the position of -superintendent or that of principal, should be full and explicit, -specifying the opportunities the writer has had to prepare himself for -the position, rather than stating that he has done so-and-so, for in -the latter case it might seem like boasting. - -Sometimes a short letter, unless circumstances demand a long one, will -be most favorably received by a board. The writer once knew a very -important position to be obtained by a correspondence about as follows -(names of places, dates, etc., are omitted): - - TO THE HONORABLE BOARD OF EDUCATION. - - _Gentlemen:_ - - I learn through a friend in your county, that the - position of superintendent of your school is vacant. - If the position has not been filled, I desire to make - application for the same. I am a graduate of ————, and - have taught three years. I am now principal of the ———— - schools, but desire to teach in your State, as my home - is there. - - Respectfully, - ————————— - -A stamp was enclosed for a reply. The secretary of the board at once -wrote asking for references and stating the salary paid. The applicant -replied that he did not wish the position at the salary named, and -thanked the secretary for the trouble he had been given. - -Had the applicant written a long letter, setting forth the value of his -services, and urging the board to raise the salary, it is not probable -that a reply would have been received by him. The simple statement that -he did not want the position at the salary named, was evidence to the -board that he considered his services worth more, and, moreover, that -he had confidence that he would command more. The secretary replied -to the last short note, asking for references and at what salary he -would accept the position. The information was given, and in a few days -the applicant was requested to meet the board with the assurance that -the position would be given him if the interview proved satisfactory, -which it did. Afterwards the applicant was informed by the president of -the board that his short business-like letters, written in an almost -illegible but natural hand, obtained for him the place over nearly -one hundred applicants, many of whom were college graduates of long -experience in teaching, and who had basketfuls of testimonials, but not -one of whom had written even a fairly good letter of application. - -Many cities and towns have stated public examinations, which applicants -must attend before they can be employed. - -The impression of character and of qualification produced by a personal -interview is deemed so important that even minor appointments are -scarcely given to any one not personally known to one of the school -board, or to some one in whose professional judgment they have great -confidence. - -Preliminary inquiries about positions are most profitably made through -acquaintances, who can advise one whether to take any further steps. -One might write as follows: - - Chicago, Ill., Nov. 3, 1899. - - _My Dear Friend:_ - - May I trouble you to ascertain whether there is any - vacancy in the schools at Elgin, to which I would have - any prospect of an appointment? You will confer a great - favor upon me if you will ask the superintendent, - and let me know soon what he says. You can say to - him that after I finished the high school course at - Racine, I taught a term in a district school in Racine - County, Wis., and was one year in charge of a primary - department at Woodstock, and that I had charge of the - grammar department at the latter place last year. - - You know something of the work I have done, and I can - furnish testimonials from the school officers where I - have taught. - - Yours very truly, - EMMA C. BOWEN. - -If a favorable answer is received, something like the following form -may be used, which is also a form suitable to make application where -one is already acquainted, and where formal applications are expected. - - Chicago, Ill., Jan. 10, 1899. - - MR. C. E. RYAN, - Supt. of Public Schools, - Elgin, Ill. - - _Dear Sir:_ - - I desire to obtain a position in the schools of your - city. I enclose a letter from Mr. Henry Jones, a - director of Woodstock, where I last taught; and I - refer you to Mrs. Mary Smith, of Elgin. I prefer the - intermediate work, but would not object to any position - that I may be able to fill. - - I completed the course in the Racine High School, and - have taught a little more than two years, first in - a country school, then in a primary school a year at - Woodstock, where I afterward had charge of the grammar - room for a year. - - Please inform me when and by whom candidates are - examined, as well as what vacancies there are, and be - kind enough to make any suggestions that you think will - be helpful to me. - - Very respectfully, - (Miss) EMMA C. BOWEN. - -[Illustration] - - - - -CHAPTER XI. - -GENERAL HINTS. - - We remain shackled by timidity till we have learned to - speak and act with propriety.—_Samuel Johnson._ - - -A man raises his hat when walking with another, not only to his own -acquaintances, but to those persons who bow to his companion, whether -he is acquainted with them or not. - -If a man meets a woman in a hotel corridor or hall he should step -aside, allowing her to pass, and raising his hat. - -If in a public place a man hands a woman anything she has dropped, he -should raise his hat when offering it to her. A well-bred man raises -his hat after passing the fare of a woman in a car or coach. This does -not mean that he has any desire to become acquainted with her, but it -is his tribute to her sex. - -Slight inaccuracies in statements should not be corrected in the -presence of others. - -One should give her children, unless married, their Christian names -only, or say “my daughter” or “my son,” in speaking of them to anyone -excepting servants. - -Men remove their hats when in elevators in the presence of women. - -Men having occasion to pass before women seated in lecture and concert -rooms, and all other places, should “beg pardon,” and pass with their -faces, and not their backs, toward them. - -In going up or down stairs, a man precedes a woman or walks by her side. - -To indulge in ridicule of another, whether the subject be present or -absent, is to descend below the level of gentlemanly propriety. - -A reverence for religious observances and religious opinions is a -distinguishing trait of a refined mind. - -Religious topics should be avoided in conversation, except where all -are prepared to concur in a respectful treatment of the subject. In -mixed societies the subject should never be introduced. - -Frequent consultation of the watch or time-piece is impolite, either -when at home or abroad. If at home, it appears as if one were tired -of the company and wished them to be gone; if abroad, as if the hours -dragged heavily, and one were calculating how soon he would be released. - -It is very unbecoming to exhibit petulance or angry feeling, though it -is indulged in largely in almost every circle. The true gentleman does -not suffer his countenance to be easily ruffled. - -The right of privacy is sacred, and should always be respected. It -is exceedingly improper to enter a private room without knocking. No -relation, however intimate, will justify an abrupt intrusion upon a -private apartment. Likewise the trunk, boxes, packets, papers, or -letters of any individual, locked or unlocked, sealed or unsealed, -are sacred. It is ill-mannered even to open a book-case, or to read a -written paper lying open, without permission, expressed or implied. - -Members of the same family should never differ with each other in -public. - -One should never appear to be thinking of his own personal rights to -the resenting of a little slight, whether real or imaginary. - -In small communities where near neighbors, for convenience’s sake, -borrow back and forth, great care should be taken that the practice -does not become a nuisance, as it surely does when it is indulged in -too frequently, and when borrowed articles are not speedily returned -and in good condition. There should be no stinted measures in returning. - -Ostentation is snobbish, as is all too great profusion. - -To affect not to remember a person is despicable, and reflects only on -the pretender. - -Some conceited or ill-bred people imagine they make themselves -important and powerful by being rude and insulting. - -One is judged, to a great extent, by the character of his associates. - -One should be very careful how he asks for the loan of a book. If -interest is shown in one, its owner will offer it for perusal if -willing to lend it. When reading a borrowed book, one should take the -best of care of it, and return it as soon as possible. No real lady -or gentlemen will leave finger prints upon its pages, or turn down -its leaves in place of a book-mark, or scribble in it with a pencil, -or loan it to a third person without the knowledge and consent of the -owner. - -A lack of reverence in one in the house of God, implies low parentage, -or a coarse nature that is not subject to refinement. - -To whisper and laugh during any public entertainment proclaims one’s -ill-breeding, and invades the rights of others. - -One ought never to leave the house after the evening’s entertainment -without bidding the hostess good-night, and acknowledging the pleasure -the evening has afforded him. - -The business man has no stock-in-trade that pays him better than a good -address. - -It is only those persons and families whose position is not a secure -one, that are afraid to be seen outside their own social circle. - -One should never reprove servants or children before strangers. - -A true lady will not betray her astonishment at any violation of -conventional rules, least of all will she make it her province to -punish those who may make any such violation. - -If one, on meeting another, fails to recall the name, he should frankly -say so. - -One should never recall himself to the recollection of a casual -acquaintance without at the same time mentioning his name. - -In a flat-house a man should take his hat and coat into the apartment -where he is going to call, and not leave them in the hall on the first -floor. - -It is very bad taste, even in quite a large party, for young girls to -visit a man at his office. - -It is perfectly good form for a mother to invite to a little child’s -party children whose parents she does not know, or who have not yet -called upon her. The invitations go out in the child’s name and to the -child’s friends. - -It is extremely rude and ill-bred, when at a boarding-house or hotel -table, to criticise the food that is served. The fact that it is paid -for makes it none the less an evidence of bad manners. People who are -not satisfied where they are boarding should always leave; they have no -right to make others uncomfortable by their lack of good-breeding. - -Women of good-breeding do not permit themselves to “overlook” those to -whom courtesies are due. - -A man should learn to put his coat on in a public place of -entertainment so that he will not require assistance from the woman who -is with him. - -The young woman to whom a seat is offered should take it, unless her -companion is an older woman, when it would be quite proper to extend -the courtesy to her. - -It is very bad taste, even for a frolic, for a young girl to assume -boy’s clothes, or get herself up in any way that will tend to make -herself look masculine. - -There is no impropriety in giving to those men friends with whom one is -well acquainted, some trifling souvenir at Christmas or Easter, or on -birthdays. - -It is customary for a young man to send a young woman only such gifts -as flowers, candy, and books; and as these presents are sent merely -as a slight return for her hospitality and invitations to her house, -etc., it is not necessary for her to send him any gift in return. If, -however, a young woman and man are on intimate enough terms to exchange -presents, she may send him any small article for the desk or toilet; -such as a silver-handled whisk broom, court-plaster case, pen-wiper, -paper-cutter, or books, which are a good present and always acceptable -to any one. - -Nothing looks more ill-bred than to see a young man, under his parents’ -roof, devoting himself during a whole evening entirely to one young -woman to the ignoring of the others. - -A man who is escorting two women in the street should not walk between -them, but on the outside of both near the curb; at the theater or at -any place of amusement or at church, he should sit nearest to the -aisle, at the side of one of them. - -Unless there is some good reason why she needs his support, a man -seldom offers his arm to a woman he escorts, even in the evening. A -husband may offer his arm to his wife, of course, and a man may proffer -this help to an invalid or aged person. - -A little delicate perfume may be used with propriety, but a heavy -perfume, and one that scents the entire room in which the person who -uses it happens to be, is in very bad form. - -In opening a door from the hall to the drawing-room, a man should hold -it while a woman precedes him in entering. - -When one’s pardon is asked for some slight inattention, an inclination -of the head and a smile is the best answer. - -The words “gentleman friend” and “lady friend” have been so vulgarized -that most well-bred women now say “man friend” or “woman friend,” it -being taken for granted that they number among their friends only -ladies and gentlemen. - -Custom never condones liberties, no matter how slight, between young -men and women. - -When a woman is visiting, any acquaintance who should call upon her -should also ask for her hostess, and if she is absent leave a card for -her. - -It is considered very bad taste for a young girl to address a man with -whom her acquaintance is but slight by his Christian name. - -No young man has any right to spend the entire afternoon and evening -every Sunday at one particular house, to the annoyance of an entire -family, who do not like to make him conscious of the fact that they -consider him a bore. - -When a young man is paying a visit, and the older members of the family -are in the room, he should, in leaving, bid them good-night first, and -afterward say his farewell to the young girl on whom he has called. It -is in bad taste for her to go any further than the parlor door with him. - -Even if a correspondence is of a “purely friendly character,” it should -not exist between a married woman and a young man, or between a married -man and a young woman. - -It is not good taste to ask one’s men friends to buy tickets for -charity affairs. They do not like to refuse, and very often, though the -sum required may be small, they cannot afford it. - -There is very great harm in young girls meeting young men in -secret; the men will have no respect for the girls, and nothing but -mortification for the girls will be the result. - -It is quite proper to thank any public servant, such as a railroad -conductor, for any information he may give, but it is not necessary to -be effusive about it. - -It is not in good taste, nor even proper, for young women to go alone -to a hotel to dine with a man. - -When a girl is young and pretty, a Platonic friendship is very -difficult to keep up. - -When a man friend has driven a woman in town to go to church he should -take her direct to the church and leave her there while he drives where -his carriage and horses are to wait until after the service. Of course -he would walk to church and join her there. - -It is not in good taste for different members of a party to go off in -pairs, and spend the evening alone on the seashore. - -It is not wise for a young woman and young man living in the same city -to correspond. If meeting each other often they ought to be able to say -all that is necessary. - -One has no right whatever to read a postal card addressed to another -without permission. - -The very minute the married man begins to tell of his wife’s faults, -the time has come to cut his acquaintance. - -It is more than wrong for a young girl to receive visits from a married -man. - -In entering any public place a woman should precede a man, but going -down the aisle, the usher, of course, would precede her. - -A hostess stands to receive her visitors, but she does not advance to -meet them unless the visitor should be some one quite old or of such -importance that the visit is of great honor. The hostess extends her -hand to the men who call, as well as to the women. - -A woman is not supposed to recognize a man who is one of a group -standing in a public place, since a modest girl will not look close -enough at a group of men to recognize an acquaintance. - -No matter how well a woman may know a man, it would be in very bad form -to send him an invitation which does not include his wife, unless it -should be at some affair at which only men are to be present. - -A man should show as much courtesy to a woman in his employ as he does -to the women he meets in social life. - -It is not in good taste to visit at the home of one’s betrothed, unless -a personal invitation is received from his mother. - -Two women may attend, with perfect propriety, a place of amusement -without an escort. They should be, however, under such circumstances, -exceptionally quiet in their manners and their dress. - -In escorting a young woman home, a man should go up the steps with her, -wait until the door is opened, and, as she enters the house, raise his -hat and say good-night. - -If a young girl were very ill, there would be no impropriety in her -mother bringing her betrothed to see her, although, of course, she -would remain in the room during his visit. - -It is always proper and courteous for a person in church to share -either prayer-book or hymnal with anyone who may be without either. - -There is no impropriety in a woman’s permitting a man friend to assist -her in putting on her over-shoes. - -If one approves of the acting or the sentiment of the play, there is no -impropriety in expressing gentle applause, but a loud clapping of the -hands is decidedly vulgar. - -One should never prevent people from leaving his house when they -desire. That is not hospitality. It is tyranny; it is taking a mean -advantage of their unwillingness to offend. - -If a women lives in a boarding house and has only one room, it would -be very bad taste to receive any man visitor there. Even if it is not -quite so agreeable, they should be received in the public parlor. - -When a man and woman approach a hostess together, the hostess should -shake hands with the woman first. - -When a man calls on a woman, he shakes hands with her on his arrival; -but, unless he is very intimate in the house, a simple bow is -sufficient when he leaves. - -An unmarried woman writing her name in a hotel register should prefix -it with “Miss” in parentheses. - -When a man friend has taken a lady to a concert, she should thank him -for his kindness in having given her a pleasant evening. - -It is not advisable for a girl to deliberately “cut” any man. If -she wishes to discontinue her acquaintance with a man whom she -cannot respect, it may be done gradually, at first by the coolest of -greetings; then, by a look in the other direction; and in time all -recognition will cease. - -If a stranger takes occasion to be polite to one during a street-car -accident, all that is necessary is a polite “thank you.” - -When a man who is to escort a girl to an entertainment calls for her at -her own home, it is proper for her to appear with her wraps on, and be -ready to start at once. - -If a man is courteous enough to open the door of a store or any public -building for a woman, she should thank him. - -If a girl of sixteen goes to an evening affair, her mother should -arrange to have either a servant or a member of the family go after her -to bring her home. - -If the hostess opens the door for a man caller, she should precede him -in entering the parlor. - -After having taken a meal or having received any other kind of -entertainment at a private house, before leaving a guest should express -his thanks, or, rather his enjoyment, of the same to the hostess. This -courtesy from a young man or girl is very acceptable to elderly ladies. - -Queen Victoria has forgiven certain breaches of etiquette made in -ignorance, and left her guest to discover the mistake at another time. -It is a reprehensible host indeed who does otherwise, and so makes a -guest uncomfortable. Etiquette is all wrong and false when it makes one -forget the higher laws of courtesy or hospitality. - -[Illustration] - - - * * * * * - -Transcriber’s Notes: - -Obvious punctuation errors repaired. - -Page 5, repeated word “to” removed from text (cares not to be seen) - -Page 7, “introducd” changed to “introduced” (are introduced to each) - -Page 15, “BNOWN” changed to “BROWN” (MISS ANNA BROWN) - -Page 19, “furture” changed to “future” (one’s future home is) - -Page 20, “seen” changed to “seem” (in her power to seem) - -Page 32, “amd” changed to “and” (Mr. and Mrs. Charles) - -Page 43, “distrub” changed to “disturb” (to disturb a hostess) - -Page 48, repeated word “the” removed from text (tables after the -playing) - -Page 53, repeated word “be” removed from text (should be issued on) - -Page 54, “maché” changed to “mâché” (papier mâché) - -Page 74, “Britian” changed to “Britain” (Great Britain it is perfectly) - -Page 83, “wating” changed to “waiting” (in waiting for the cups) - -Page 85, “consumme” changed to “consommé” (bouillon or consommé) - -Page 85, “befor” changed to “before” (upon the table before) - -Page 96, “intellegent” changed to “intelligent” (an intelligent, -ladylike woman) - -Page 98, “noticable” changed to “noticeable” (formality, more -noticeable) - -Page 100, “couse” changed to “course” (Of course one would) - -Page 104, “other” changed to “others” (to others as ye would) - -Page 113, “humam” changed to “human” (of human life, let) - -Page 116, “humilated” changed to “humiliated” (writer will be -humiliated) - -Page 121, “ean” changed to “can” (who can advise one) - -Page 124, “XII” changed to “XI” (CHAPTER XI) - -Page 126, “justisy” changed to “justify” (will justify an abrupt) - -Page 131, “christian” changed to “Christian” (by his Christian name) - -Page 134, “enteres” changed to “enters” (and, as she enters the) - -Page 136, “diliberately” changed to “deliberately” (a girl to -deliberately) - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Practical Etiquette, by Cora C. 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(N. C.) Klein - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Practical Etiquette - -Author: Cora C. (N. C.) Klein - -Release Date: October 13, 2015 [EBook #50195] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards, Emmy and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<h1 class="faux">PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE</h1> -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 505px;"> -<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="505" height="800" alt="cover" /> -</div> -<hr class="chap" /> -<div class="chapter"></div> - - - - -<div class="maintitle">PRACTICAL -ETIQUETTE</div> - -<p class="center"><br /><br /><br /> -BY N. C.<br /> -<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> -<i>TWENTIETH THOUSAND</i><br /> -<br /><br /> -<i><small>Entirely Re-written and<br /> -Enlarged</small></i><br /> -<br /><br /><br /> -<small>CHICAGO</small><br /> -A. FLANAGAN.<br /> -</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<div class="chapter"></div> - -<p class="copyright"> -<span class="smcap">Copyright</span>,<br /> -1899,<br /> -<span class="smcap">By A. FLANAGAN</span><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> -<div class="chapter"></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[1]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2>PREFACE.</h2> - - -<p>The very extensive sale of Practical -Etiquette, a sale that has required the issuance -of a large number of editions of the -little manual, has been very gratifying to -its author, as was also the commission of its -publisher to re-write and enlarge the work. -This commission, however, brought with it -a keen sense of responsibility, for the author -feels that a new work on etiquette can find -a <i>raison d’être</i> only in a fairly successful -attempt at answering practically every question -that can arise concerning social relations, -at least in ordinary social life. But -to speak with authority on all matters of -“good form” is to speak dogmatically, and -so to speak is in itself not good form. -Nevertheless, and in spite of this dilemma, -the author has attempted herein to -decide, when compelled to do so, between -conflicting opinions in mere matters of -social custom, and has given as authority -the opinion that seemed to her to conform -most nearly to common sense, embodying<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[2]</a></span> -such opinion in an unqualified statement -without citing authority. Fortunately, -social customs are now so nearly uniform in -all parts of the country, that one familiar -with the ways of good society in the West -or in the North, is at home in good society -in the East or in the South.</p> - -<p>The author is under obligation to so -many persons for suggestions and advice, -as well as to many authors, that it does not -seem best to give a list of the same, especially -as such list could be only a partial one, for -many of her friends would not desire mention -of their names.</p> - -<p class="sig"> -N. C.<br /> -</p> - -<p><i>Dec. 1, 1899.</i></p> - -<hr class="chap" /> -<div class="chapter"></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2>CONTENTS.</h2> - - - - - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="Contents"> -<tr> -<td align="left">CHAPTER I.</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Introductions</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_7">7</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Calls</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_9">9</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Cards</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_15">15</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Visiting</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_20">20</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left"> </td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left">CHAPTER II.</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Notes of Invitation</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_21">21</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Announcement Cards</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_26">26</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Wedding Invitations</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_30">30</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Acceptances and Regrets</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_32">32</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Letters</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_35">35</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Letters of Introduction</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_39">39</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left"> </td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left">CHAPTER III.</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Dinners</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_41">41</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Luncheons</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_44">44</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Breakfasts</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_44">44</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Teas</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_44">44</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Receptions</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_46">46</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Dancing Parties</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_46">46</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Card Parties</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_47">47</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Weddings</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_48">48</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Wedding Gifts</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_52">52</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Wedding Anniversaries</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_53">53</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left"> </td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left">CHAPTER IV.</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Conversation</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_56">56</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Chaperonage</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_60">60</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Marriage</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_62">62</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Domestic Etiquette and Duties</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_64">64</a><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left"> </td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left">CHAPTER V.</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Dress</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_66">66</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Gloves</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_69">69</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Street Etiquette</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_70">70</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Traveling</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_73">73</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Bicycling</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_75">75</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Telephoning</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_76">76</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left"> </td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left">CHAPTER VI.</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">The Table and Service at Table</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_79">79</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Habits at Table</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_86">86</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Servants and Serving</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_94">94</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left"> </td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left">CHAPTER VII.</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Funerals</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_98">98</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Mourning</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_100">100</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left"> </td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left">CHAPTER VIII.</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Politeness of Young Children</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_102">102</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">School-Room Etiquette</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_108">108</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left"> </td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left">CHAPTER IX.</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Official Etiquette</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_111">111</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left"> </td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left">CHAPTER X.</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Business Correspondence</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_113">113</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">Letters of Application, etc.</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_116">116</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left"> </td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left">CHAPTER XI.</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td align="left" class="indent"><span class="smcap">General Hints</span></td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_124">124</a></td> -</tr> -</table> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> -<div class="chapter"></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2>INTRODUCTION.</h2> - -<div class="poetry-container"> - <div class="poetry"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“True politeness is to do and say</div> -<div class="verse"><span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The kindest thing in the kindest way.”</span></div> -</div></div> - - -<p>If civil law is the outgrowth of regard for -other people’s rights, social law is equally -the outgrowth of regard for other people’s -feelings and convenience. Social law is -kindness and good-will and the desire to be -agreeable codified. A system of so much -importance cannot be unworthy of consideration.</p> - -<p>The very essence of good manners is self-possession, -and self-possession is another -name for self-forgetfulness. Gentility is -neither in birth, manner, nor fashion, but in -the mind. A high sense of honor, a determination -never to take a mean advantage -of another, and an adherence to truth, -delicacy, and politeness towards those with -whom one may have dealings, are the essential -and distinguishing characteristics of a -gentleman.</p> - -<p>Quietness in all things is an essential -element to a well-bred person. He shuns -all outward display of his personality; he -cares not to be seen or heard; he eschews -noisy and grandiloquent talk; he avoids<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span> -showy and noticeable costumes. His voice -is low; his words simple; and his actions -grave. He holds himself habitually under -restraint; his words never seem to vibrate -with emotion.</p> - -<p>Habits are said to be good or bad as -the result of actions that are right or wrong. -A man of good habits is one who has for so -long a time practiced right thinking, speaking, -and doing, that he acts properly from -force of habit.</p> - -<p>Good manners are not to be put on for -particular occasions, like fine clothes, but -they should be one’s second nature. The -simpler and more easy and unconstrained -one’s manners, the more he will impress -people with his good breeding. Affectation -is one of the brazen marks of vulgarity.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 176px;"> -<img src="images/i-008.jpg" width="176" height="133" alt="decoration" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> -<div class="chapter"></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2><a id="CHAPTER_I"></a>CHAPTER I.<br /> - -<small><span class="smcap">Introductions, Calls, Cards, Visiting.</span></small></h2> - -<div class="blockquot2"> - -<p>“A beautiful behavior gives a higher pleasure -than statues or pictures; it is the finest of -the fine arts.”—<i>Emerson.</i></p></div> - - -<h3>INTRODUCTIONS.</h3> - -<p>In introducing persons, one should be -careful to pronounce each name distinctly.</p> - -<p>When either name is not perfectly understood, -a repetition of it should be requested -of the person making the introduction. -When introductions are given, it is the man -who should be presented to the woman; -when two women are introduced, it is the -younger who is presented to the elder. For -example, in presenting Mr. Jones to Mrs. -Smith, it is Mrs. Smith’s name that is first -mentioned. The word “introduce” is preferred -to “present.” Informal introductions -are given by merely mentioning the names; -as, “Mrs. Smith, Mr. Jones,” and this is -ordinarily sufficient.</p> - -<p>In introducing two sisters, the elder is -“Miss Smith” and the younger “Miss Virginia -Smith.”</p> - -<p>When two women are introduced to each -other, it is not necessary for either to rise; -a bow and a smile from each is sufficient.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span></p> - -<p>A woman does not rise when a man is -presented to her, unless he is very old or is -a person of great importance. Upon being -introduced, a married woman may offer her -hand to a man but it is not customary for a -young woman to do so.</p> - -<p>It is the duty of a man who attends a -private entertainment, to have himself presented -to every member of the family whom -he does not know.</p> - -<p>An introduction in the street car is very -bad form.</p> - -<p>One should never forget that it is difficult, -almost impossible, for some people to -remember names and faces, and that such -people actually suffer from their inability to -recognize and call by name persons to whom -they may have been introduced recently.</p> - -<p>It is not uncommon to see one approach -such a person, offer her hand, and say, if -there is not an immediate recognition, “I am -afraid you do not remember me,” while the -person approached stands in agony, and -gradually makes an apology for her poor -memory, and asks the name.</p> - -<p>One who is truly polite, who is at all -thoughtful for another person’s feelings, -would not be the cause of such a scene. -She would prevent it by saying: “I am -Mrs. Smith. I had the pleasure of meeting -you at Mrs. Brown’s luncheon last -Thursday;” or something of the kind.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span></p> - -<p>Whenever one has reason to think his -name or face may have been forgotten, he -should make himself known, in approaching -another person, by giving his name at least.</p> - - -<h3>CALLS.</h3> - -<p>A first call ought to be returned within a -very short time.</p> - -<p>A lady when receiving rises as her callers -enter, and they immediately advance to pay -their respects to her before speaking to -others.</p> - -<p>A man takes any vacant chair, without -troubling the hostess to look after him.</p> - -<p>A man rises when women with whom he -is talking rise to take their leave. Women -calling do not rise unless those who are -leaving are friends older than themselves.</p> - -<p>When taking leave, one ought to choose -a moment when there is a lull in the conversation, -and then take leave of the hostess, -letting one bow include the others in the -room.</p> - -<p>One month after the birth of a child, a -call of congratulation is made by acquaintances.</p> - -<p>A call of condolence is made within ten -days after the death, if the caller is on intimate -terms with the family, or within a -month if otherwise.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span></p> - -<p>Calls of congratulation are due to the -newly married, and to the parents who gave -the invitations to the marriage.</p> - -<p>A man invited by a woman to call upon -her, cannot, without great discourtesy, neglect -to pay the call within a week.</p> - -<p>A lady will never keep a caller waiting, -without sending word that she will be in -immediately.</p> - -<p>One ought always to return a call, but if -the acquaintance is not desirable, the first -call may be the last.</p> - -<p>Some women only rise when their callers -leave, others accompany them as far as the -drawing-room door; but it is always polite -for a hostess to accompany her visitors to -the front door when they take their leave, -if there is not a servant on hand to open the -door for them. The best bred hostesses -even go so far as to accompany their callers -to the elevator in a hotel or an apartment-house. -Of course, if one has more than one -caller at a time, it would be discourteous to -leave the others to accompany one to the -door; but, otherwise, it is rude to permit -a friend to go to the door alone, and get out -as best she may.</p> - -<p>A bride who is “At Home after November -first,” should make a point of literally -staying at home for an hour or two every -afternoon during the month of November<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span> -and the early part of December. She should -be dressed to receive callers, and should -have some dainty refreshments ready to -serve,—tea and sandwiches or cake. After -the first week of December the bride may -begin to return her calls, calling first on -those who first called upon her, and so on.</p> - -<p>When the “at home” is a large and formal -function, with engraved invitations and all -the accessories of hired waiters, an elaborate -repast, floral decorations, etc.,—such as a -debutante’s coming out, a wedding reception, -or a reception to celebrate a wedding anniversary, -and other large entertainments of -this order,—an after-call is obligatory. But -an ordinary “at home” does not demand -another call, for instance, the reception or -“days” a bride has on her return from her -wedding trip, or when she is settled in her -new home; or a tea or “days” for which a -hostess informally sends the invitations -written or engraved on her visiting cards, -and receives with little ceremony and serves -only a modest menu. On the contrary, the -hostess owes a return call to all who attend; -and only those who were invited, but were -unable to be present, are in debt to her.</p> - -<p>The length of time proper for one to stay -at an “at home” depends on circumstances. -It is always a compliment to one’s hostess -to make a long visit at “a day”, for it implies<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span> -that one is having a pleasant time; but -nobody should stay long enough to be a -burden on the hostess’s hospitality, or to -detain her from her other guests. If one -finds that she does not know any one present, -or if she is not introduced to a congenial -person with whom she can have a pleasant -chat, it would be wise for her to leave after -a conventional ten or fifteen minutes’ call.</p> - -<p>The calling code demands that soon after -a second caller is announced, the caller who -was first present shall take leave of the -hostess. The reason for this rule is obvious: -visitor number one has already had a little -time of uninterrupted <i>tête-à-tête</i> with the -hostess before visitor number two appeared, -and he or she should generously retire first, -so that visitor number two may have the -same privilege. But while this is the law, -it depends somewhat on circumstances -whether it is always carried out. If the -first caller is an intimate friend of the -hostess, and has come to have a long informal -talk with her, and the second caller -is merely a formal visitor whose obvious -intention is to make a ceremonious visit, -then the first comer may, with perfect propriety, -outstay the other; or if the hostess -has particularly asked the former to remain -until after the latter goes, he may do so, -and, of course, if the first visitor has come -for some special reason, and the visitor who<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span> -is announced later interrupts an important -conversation, which, for business or other -reasons, should be continued, the former is -naturally justified in transgressing the calling -code. All things being equal, however, -it is the place of the first comer to be the -first goer; and one must have a very good -excuse for outstaying a caller who comes -later.</p> - -<p>Guests who are invited to attend one large -reception which is given for the express purpose -of introducing a young woman into -society, should make a call after the reception, -but if the <i>débutante</i> is introduced at a -series of “days,” the callers need call but -once, on one of the “days.”</p> - -<p>An invitation to any kind of “day” or -reception demands a card from a person -who is unable to attend the function; and -the card should be sent on the day of the -reception, even if the invitation to the function -has been already answered, and even if -an after-call is in order.</p> - -<p>When one calls on an acquaintance who -is staying with a relative, the caller should -ask for the latter (the hostess), even if she -does not know her, and she should leave -one of her own and one of her husband’s -cards for her, as well as one of each for her -friend. It is not obligatory to leave two -of her husband’s cards for each woman.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span> -Even in the most formal visiting, it is optional -whether one leaves one or two cards. -Probably the hostess will excuse herself -altogether; but the caller must show her -the courtesy of asking for her.</p> - -<p>In making a call it is proper to give one’s -card to the servant who opens the door, if -it is not a regular reception day; but on -such an occasion the card should be left -either in the dressing-room or on the hall -table in passing out.</p> - -<p>In making a formal call ten minutes is -quite long enough to stay.</p> - -<p>When one is returning visits and driving, -it would be in very bad taste to have the -coachman get off his box and take the card -to the door. It is the woman’s place to deliver -her card in person, unless she has a -footman to attend to it for her.</p> - -<p>In making an evening call a man should -appear about half-past eight, and remain an -hour. Even if his visit is to the daughter, -he should ask for her mother.</p> - -<p>It is quite proper, when making calls -with a friend, for one to write her name in -pencil on her friend’s card, if she has no -card of her own with her.</p> - -<p>Those women whose households are most -modest find that the day “at home” is a -great convenience, since, having a special<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span> -time for receiving one’s friends, all necessary -arrangements can be made beforehand, -and no embarrassing situations are apt to -occur.</p> - -<p>When one calls on a friend who lives in a -flat, she should, immediately after ringing, -call through the tube her name and that of -the person she wishes to see.</p> - -<p>A man leaves his overcoat, hat, and stick -in the hall when making an evening call; -when calling in the afternoon he leaves his -overcoat in the hall, but carries his hat and -stick into the drawing-room with him.</p> - -<p>When a daughter is in the parlor, and -her mother is entertaining callers, she should -rise when her mother does in bidding them -good-day.</p> - -<p>It is very improper for a young girl who -is ill to receive men callers in her room.</p> - - -<h3>CARDS.</h3> - -<p>When an invitation to a reception is sent -in the name of several women, a guest -should leave or send cards for all whose -names are on the invitation. A woman -leaves with her own cards the cards of -those members of her family who are unable -to call.</p> - -<p>A young woman, when calling upon her -friends with a young man who is a stranger<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span> -to them, should send his card with her own -to the hostess and other women of the -household.</p> - -<p>In making formal calls a visitor invariably -hands her cards to the servant who -opens the door with a card tray in her -hand; when calling informally one may simply -give her name to the servant at the -door, but then leaves no card later.</p> - -<p>A married woman, when making formal -calls, leaves one of her husband’s and one -of her own cards for the hostess and for -every other woman she asks for in the -house, and one of her husband’s cards, besides, -for the host; but, while this is the -rule for formal visiting, it is quite permissible -for a married woman, when calling on -a number of women who reside in the same -house, to leave, besides her own and her -husband’s for the host and hostess, only one -more of each for all the others.</p> - -<p>In making formal visits, and subsequent -calls after the first formal visit has been -made, a married woman need leave only one -of her husband’s cards with her own; and -in making a call in acknowledgment of an -invitation to an entertainment to which she -alone was invited,—such as a woman’s luncheon,—she -should leave only one of her own.</p> - -<p>The fashionable visiting card varies in -size; but for a married woman it is generally<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span> -pure white and very thin, with the name -engraved in ordinary script. For a woman -who lives in the country, it is in good taste -to have the name of her country place put -just where, if she were in the city, her town -address would be, which is in the left hand -lower corner.</p> - -<p>If a woman receives “at home” cards for -“Tuesdays in February,” and is prevented -from calling on any of the Tuesdays, she -should send her card in an envelope, either -by hand or mail, on the first Tuesday, and -call on the hostess at the earliest opportunity -on some other day.</p> - -<p>A man should use a card engraved, as -“Mr. George Wellington Smith,” not -omitting the prefix, with the address in one -corner, if desired. The size of the card -varies from time to time, but it is smaller -than a woman’s card.</p> - -<p>The names of mother and daughter or -daughters are often engraved on one card; as,</p> - -<div class="bbox2"> -<div class="center"><br /> -<small>MRS. JUDSON BROWN.<br /> -MISS ANNA BROWN.</small><br /><br /> -</div></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox2"> -<div class="center"><br /> -<small>MRS. JUDSON BROWN.<br /> -THE MISSES BROWN.</small><br /> -<br /> -</div> -</div> - -<p>The following is the usual form for an -unmarried woman’s card:</p> - -<div class="bbox2"> -<div class="center"><br /> -<small>MISS MAY BROWN,</small></div> -<br /> -<small>12 PINE ST.</small><br /> -<br /> -</div> -</div> - -<p>It is quite proper for a woman to retain -her deceased husband’s name on her visiting -cards; as, “Mrs. John Smith.” It is equally -proper for her to use “Mrs. Jane Smith” -for the purpose.</p> - -<p>When a caller is met by the hostess at -the door, she should drop her card in the -card receiver or leave it on the hall table on -her way out. The object of such a card is -not to introduce people when visiting, but -as a reminder of the visit.</p> - -<p>“P. P. C.” cards should be left on the -occasion of a long absence (of over three<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span> -months); on leaving town at the close of the -season; on leaving a neighborhood where -one has resided for years, or where one has -resided for months and sometimes only for -weeks, but not when changing houses in the -same neighborhood, not even when about -to be married, unless one’s future home is -to be in another city. The words <i>pour -prendre congé</i> signify to take leave.</p> - -<p>“R. S. V. P.” means “<i>Repondez s’il vous -plait</i>,” which is the French for “Answer, -if you please.”</p> - -<p>Turning down the corner of a visiting -card, meaning that the call was made in -person, is no longer in vogue. One might -leave her card in person, writing on it -“With kind inquiries,” when sickness or -death has entered the household of a friend, -and thus show a delicate courtesy.</p> - -<p>It is proper for a hostess to shake hands -with a man visitor on his arrival and at his -departure.</p> - -<p>It is an evidence of very bad taste for a -young woman to send wedding cards to a -married man without including his wife’s -name, even if she has no acquaintance whatever -with her.</p> - -<p>A young girl who is not “out” does not -have visiting cards. If she is the oldest or -only daughter and is in society, her cards -have upon them “Miss Smith.”<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span></p> - -<p>A woman should never ask a man formally -calling to take his hat, or a woman to -lay aside her wraps.</p> - -<p>A card sent to an afternoon reception -represents one’s self. It should be sent -either by mail or messenger, and never by a -friend to deposit upon the receiver with her -own card.</p> - - -<h3>VISITING.</h3> - -<p>A guest should always ascertain what are -the usual hours of rising, taking meals, and -retiring, and then conform scrupulously to -them.</p> - -<p>Guests should give as little trouble as -possible, and never apologize for the extra -trouble their visit necessarily occasions.</p> - -<p>If a ride, drive, or walk is proposed by -one of the family entertaining, a guest -should acquiesce as far as her strength will -allow, and do all in her power to seem -pleased by the efforts made for her entertainment.</p> - -<p>Upon taking one’s departure, it is expected—and -reasonably, too—that some -acknowledgment be made of the pleasure -that has been afforded one.</p> - -<p>It is also proper upon returning home to -inform the friends just left of one’s safe -arrival.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> -<div class="chapter"></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2><a id="CHAPTER_II"></a>CHAPTER II.<br /> - -<small><span class="smcap">Notes of Invitation, Announcement<br /> -Cards, Wedding Invitations, Acceptances<br /> -and Regrets, Letters,<br /> -Letters of<br /> -Introduction.</span></small></h2> - -<div class="blockquot2"> - -<p>“Politeness is one of those advantages -which we never estimate rightly, but by the -inconvenience of its loss.”—<i>Samuel Johnson.</i></p></div> - - -<h3>NOTES OF INVITATION.</h3> - -<p>Notes of invitation for evening parties -are issued in the name of the lady of the -house; as,</p> - -<p><i>Mrs. James Little requests the pleasure of -Mr. and Mrs. George White’s company on -Monday evening, March seventeenth, from -nine to twelve o’clock.</i><a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a></p> - -<p>The expression “presents compliments” is -obsolete, as is also the term “polite,” which -was formerly used in acceptances or regrets. -The English form of “kind” or “very -kind” is now substituted in its place.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span></p> -<p>A very acceptable form of invitation for a -mother (if the mother is not living, the -father’s name may be so used) and daughter -is this:</p> - -<p><i>Mrs. and Miss Graves at Home, Thursday, -October twenty-seventh, from eight to -eleven o’clock.</i></p> - -<p>When a very large dinner party is to -be given, the invitations should be issued -at least two weeks in advance; and if some -very celebrated people are to be invited, -twenty-one days should elapse between -sending out the invitations and the day -of the function. For a small affair ten -days’ notice is sufficient. Invitations to -large teas should be sent out fourteen days -in advance, but for small ones a week’s notice -is sufficient.</p> - -<p>In answering an invitation sent out in the -name of both mother and daughter, one -should address the mother.</p> - -<p>When sending out invitations to evening -parties, it is customary to denote the amusement -feature, if there is to be one, by naming -it in the lower left hand corner; as, -“Dancing,” or “Cards,” or “Fancy dress -and masks.” The hour is designated thus: -“Dancing after nine,” or “German at eight -o’clock,” or “Supper at half after seven,” -and underneath “Dancing.” Sometimes a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span> -separate card is enclosed, reading “Dancing -at nine o’clock.”</p> - -<p><i>Mrs. George Brown requests the pleasure -of Miss Lee’s company on Tuesday evening, -January seventh, at nine o’clock.</i></p> - -<div> -<i>Dancing.</i> <span class="rightf"><i>221 Thirty-fifth Street.</i></span><br /> -</div> - -<p>The correct form of invitation for an entertainment -where an elocutionist is to be -the principal feature is worded as follows:</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>Mrs. James Smith requests the pleasure of -Mr. and Mrs. Brown’s company on Thursday -evening, December the first, at eight -o’clock.</i></p> - -<div class="right"> -<i>124 Jewell Avenue.</i><br /> -</div> - -<div class="center"><i>Reading by Professor William White.</i></div></div> - -<p>An invitation to a rose or lawn party -might read thus:</p> - - - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="invitation"> -<tr><td align="center" colspan="2"><span class="smcap">Mrs. James Smith.<br /> -The Misses Smith.<br /> -at home<br /> -Tuesday evening, June the twenty-eighth,<br /> -at eight o’clock.</span><br /></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><span class="smcap">rose party<br /> -212 Sheridan Avenue.</span></td> -<td align="center"><span class="smcap">to meet<br />The Misses White.</span><br /></td></tr> -</table></div> - - - -<p>In writing invitations for a club for which -one is acting as secretary it would be wise -to put them in the third person, and then -there would be no embarrassment about the -arrangement of names.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span></p> - -<p>The words “reception” and “at home” -are synonymous. Each means an entertainment -which takes place between certain -stated hours in the afternoon or evening, -where refreshments are served, and no -especial order of amusement is provided, -unless it is specified in the invitations. To -a “reception” or “at home” the hostess -generally sends invitations to all on her calling -list. These large functions are usually -given for some especial purpose; as, to -introduce a <i>débutante</i> into society, to celebrate -a wedding anniversary, or for the -bride and groom after the wedding ceremony, -or merely that the hostess may meet all her -friends.</p> - -<p>There is, however, a decided distinction -between a reception or an “at home” and a -tea or “days.” An invitation to the first is -engraved on a sheet of note paper or a large -sized card, and is formally worded. The -hours for the afternoon function are usually -from four until seven, and one may expect -to find at the house or place of entertainment -decorations of flowers and greens, and -quite an elaborate repast provided; but an -invitation to a tea or to “days” does not -imply that anything but the simplest kind -of menu will be served, nor that any but -simple preparations will be made. The -invitations to the latter entertainments may -be the hostess’s visiting cards with the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span> -address and “tea at four o’clock” written in -one corner; or if the hostess prefers to -receive informally on more than one day, -she may have the form “Fridays,” or “Fridays -in February,” or “First and third -Fridays in February,” or whatever days she -chooses, written or engraved on her cards.</p> - -<p>The formal luncheon hour is from one to -two o’clock. Afternoon teas are usually at -five. One’s visiting card can be used only -for an invitation for an afternoon “at home;” -invitations to dinner or luncheon must be -written out. In sending out cards for a tea -one should simply write the date and the -hour in the lower left-hand corner; in -sending a note, whether by messenger or -post, the number of the house and the name -of the street should be written out in full.</p> - -<p>The following is a good form of invitation -to an “at home” given by several women:</p> - -<div class="center"> -<span class="smcap">Mrs. James Smith<br /> -Mrs. Charles White<br /> -Mrs. Frederick Brown<br /> -at home<br /> -Saturday, April the sixteenth<br /> -at four o’clock</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 6em;"><span class="smcap">112 Madison Street</span></span><br /> -</div> - -<p>The usual form of an invitation to a -luncheon is as follows:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span></p> - -<p class="center"> -<span class="smcap">Mrs. James Brown<br /> -requests the pleasure of your company<br /> -at luncheon<br /> -on Wednesday, April the sixth,<br /> -at one o’clock.</span><br /> -</p> - -<p>Below this and to the right would be the -address, and the date on which the invitation -is written.</p> - -<p>The invitation for a musical may be -worded as follows:</p> - - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="invitation"> -<tr><td align="center" colspan="2"><p><i>Mrs. James Smith requests the pleasure of<br /> -Miss Brown’s company on Friday afternoon,<br /> -March seventeenth, at two o’clock.</i></p></td></tr> -<tr><td align="center"><i>Music.<br />R.S.V.P.</i> </td><td align="center"><i>24 Queen Avenue.</i></td></tr> -</table></div> -<p> <br /></p> - -<h3>ANNOUNCEMENT CARDS.</h3> - -<p>The simplest way to announce an engagement -is for each of the engaged couple to -write short notes of announcement on the -same day to each one’s relatives and near -friends. All these notes are sent so that -they will be received at the same time. -They are written in the first person on -dainty note paper, and the best form is the -simplest. The character of the note must -depend on the intimacy between the writer -and the recipient.</p> - -<p>A pretty and fashionable sequence to the -announcement is for the bride to give a tea<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span> -for the express purpose of receiving congratulations. -She may mention it in her -notes of announcement, and her <i>fiancé</i> may -mention in his notes that she will be at home -on a certain day at a certain hour. She -should then receive with her mother or some -older relative, and she should have some -light refreshment provided for her callers. -All her young friends will call, and all the -relatives and near friends of her <i>fiancé</i>. The -<i>fiancé</i> should be present at the tea, or he -may come before it is over, but he should -not formally receive with his betrothed.</p> - -<p>Engagements are often announced in the -newspapers.</p> - -<p>Wedding announcements or invitations -should be sent in envelopes addressed to -the father and mother of the family, to the -daughter or daughters (addressed as the -Misses), and to each of the grown sons. -All these invitations in their envelopes may -be enclosed in an outside envelope addressed -to the parents.</p> - -<p>A wedding invitation or announcement -card should always be addressed to both -members of a married couple, even if the -bride or groom who sends it is acquainted -with only one.</p> - -<p>The correct form for wedding announcement -cards is as follows:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span></p> - -<div class="center"> -<span class="smcap">Mr. and Mrs. John Smith<br /> -announce the marriage of their daughter,<br /> -Anna<br /> -to<br /> -Mr. Frank Brown<br /> -on Saturday, October the twenty-second,<br /> -eighteen hundred and ninety-nine.<br /> -Washington, D. C.</span><br /> -</div> - -<p>The bride’s “at home” cards should be -separate, but enclosed with the announcements, -and should read as follows:</p> - -<div class="center"> -<span class="smcap">At Home<br /> -Tuesday afternoons in January.<br /> -125 West Fifteenth Street,<br /> -New York City.</span><br /> -</div> - -<p>Announcement cards should be sent out -immediately after the wedding to every one -on the bride’s and groom’s list. And, again, -wedding announcement cards need not be -sent out in any one’s name. The following -is an example:</p> - -<div class="center"> -<span class="smcap">Married<br /> -on Wednesday, January the eighteenth,<br /> -eighteen hundred and ninety-nine<br /> -at St. Thomas’ Church<br /> -New York,<br /> -Margaret Baker White<br /> -to<br /> -William Barton.</span><br /> -</div><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span></p> - -<p>When a bride is an orphan it is customary -for the cards announcing her wedding to be -sent in the name of one of her near relatives, -or else they may read simply like the one -given above.</p> - -<p>Wedding announcement cards demand -no acknowledgment from an acquaintance -of the bride who lives at a distance, unless -a “day” or “days” are mentioned on them, -when it is obligatory to send visiting cards -on the “day” or the first one of the “days;” -otherwise, if one wishes to be particularly -polite, one may send a visiting-card in acknowledgment -of the announcement, but it -is not obligatory to do so.</p> - -<p>Wedding announcements are sent to -friends at home as well as to those abroad, -because the cards are supposed, not only to -suggest remembrance, but to express a desire -that the acquaintance should be continued -after the name is changed.</p> - -<p>The birth of a baby is announced in various -ways, there being no especial rules of -etiquette for making the announcement. -Sometimes engraved cards bearing the baby’s -name and date of birth are sent by themselves -in small envelopes, into which they -fit exactly; sometimes they go in an envelope -with the mother’s visiting-card, and are -written instead of engraved. These cards -should be attached to the mother’s visiting<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span> -cards by a piece of white baby ribbon, which -is passed through a hole made in the top of -both cards and tied in a tiny bow. They -should be sent out when the mother is -ready to receive calls.</p> - - -<h3>WEDDING INVITATIONS.</h3> - -<p>Wedding invitations should be issued at -least two weeks before the day of the affair.</p> - -<p>It is customary for the bridegroom to give -to the bride’s mother a list of his relatives -and friends to whom he would like cards -sent, and some member of the bride’s family -attends to it.</p> - -<p>When the guests at a wedding are limited -to the immediate family, the invitations -may be personal notes sent by the -bride’s mother. The notes may read like -the following:</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p><i>My Dear Mary,—It will give us all much pleasure -if you will come to the very quiet wedding of -my daughter Catherine to Mr. John Martin, on -Saturday, February the fourth, at twelve o’clock, -and remain to the little breakfast that will follow -the ceremony. Only the members of the family will -be present. Hoping that you may be with us the -fourth, I am,</i></p> - -<p class="sig"> -<span style="margin-right: 2em;"><i>Affectionately yours,</i></span><br /> -<i>Anna Brown.</i><br /> -</p></div> - -<p>A formal invitation may read as follows:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span></p> - -<div class="center"> -<span class="smcap">Mr. and Mrs. James M. Moore<br /> -request the pleasure of your presence at<br /> -the marriage of their daughter<br /> -Alice<br /> -to<br /> -Charles Albert Smith,<br /> -Thursday Evening, August twenty-fourth,<br /> -at eight o’clock,<br /> -121 Seventh Street East,<br /> -Davenport, Iowa,<br /> -1899.</span><br /> -</div> - -<p>Another form is as follows:</p> - -<div class="center"> -<span class="smcap">Mr. and Mrs. John Brown<br /> -request the pleasure of your presence<br /> -at the<br /> -marriage breakfast of their daughter<br /> -Mary Louise<br /> -and<br /> -Mr. Charles Albert Smith,<br /> -on Thursday, October the sixth,<br /> -from one until three o’clock.<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 6em;">15 Prospect Street.</span></span><br /> -</div> - -<p>If the bride is an orphan, or if there is -any very good reason why her parents’ names -should not appear on the invitation, the -latter may be sent in the name of the married -brother and his wife, or in the name of -whoever gives the bride the wedding reception. -It may read as follows:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span></p> - -<div class="center"> -<span class="smcap">Mr. and Mrs. Charles Smith<br /> -request the honor of your presence<br /> -at the marriage of their sister<br /> -Bertha Wild<br /> -to<br /> -Mr. James Montgomery Brown,<br /> -on Wednesday, October the twelfth,<br /> -at eight o’clock.<br /> -2400 Fifth Street South.</span><br /> -</div> - -<p>The following is a suitable form for an -invitation for a silver wedding:</p> - -<div class="center"> -<span class="smcap">Twenty-fifth Anniversary.<br /> -Mr. and Mrs. John H. Smith<br /> -at Home<br /> -Saturday Ev’g, December twenty-seventh,<br /> -Eighteen hundred ninety nine,<br /> -From eight to eleven o’clock.</span><br /> -</div> -<p> <br /></p> - -<h3>ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS.</h3> - -<p>It is considered very rude not to reply to -an invitation immediately, either by note -of acceptance or regret.</p> - -<p>In writing acceptances one should never -use “will accept” for “accepts,” or “to -dinner” instead of “for dinner” or “to -dine.”</p> - -<p>In accepting a dinner invitation one should -repeat the hour named in order that, if any -mistake has been made, it may be corrected.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span></p> - -<p>An acceptance may be written as follows:</p> - -<p><i>Mr. and Mrs. Frank Warren accept with -pleasure Mrs. John Somers’ kind invitation for -Monday evening, October seventh.</i></p> - -<p>The following is a good form for a note -of regret:</p> - -<p><i>Mr. and Mrs. James Swift regret that, -owing to sickness, they are unable to accept -Mrs. Frank Hall’s kind invitation for Monday -evening, March 16th.</i></p> - -<p>In writing regrets, when it is possible to -do so, one should give the reason for not -accepting an invitation.</p> - -<p>The best bred people agree that an invitation -to a wedding reception or a wedding -breakfast demands a response, whether or -not a response is requested. But it is another -question when one receives only an invitation -to a church ceremony, or merely an -announcement card with no “at home” card -enclosed, and does not know the bride and -groom well enough to call. If the cards -are sent merely as a matter of courtesy -because of business relations or on account -of a former intimacy in the families, a call -does not seem necessary. In such cases one -must judge more or less for herself, and do -what seems natural. If one lives in a small -place and the bride comes there as a -stranger, it is generally the best way to call, -whatever be the form of the cards received.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span></p> - -<p>Formal invitations to a church wedding -do not demand an answer, unless one is -requested, until the day of the ceremony, -when those unable to attend acknowledge -the invitation with visiting cards addressed -to the father and mother of the bride, or to -whoever sends out the invitations for the -wedding. Invitations to a wedding reception -and a bride’s “At Home” demand no -other acknowledgment than visiting cards -sent on the day of the function by those -unable to attend. A formal invitation to a -house wedding demands the same acknowledgment -as an invitation to a church -wedding.</p> - -<p>In acknowledging an invitation to a wedding, -a single woman sends one of her visiting -cards in an envelope addressed to the -mother and father of the bride on the day of -the wedding. A single man sends two of -his cards, and a married couple send one of -the wife’s and two of the husband’s cards. -To the bride on her “At Home” day, cards -should be sent in exactly the same way. A -wedding reception, if it takes place in the -evening, demands full dress.</p> - -<p>It is very courteous to acknowledge the -reception of a “commencement” invitation.</p> - -<p>It is very bad form to write “Congratulations” -on one’s visiting card and send it -in answer to a wedding invitation. If one<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span> -desires to send her good wishes to the bride, -then a personal note would be proper.</p> - -<p>It is also bad form to send a visiting card -with “Regrets” written in one corner instead -of writing the proper note.</p> - -<p>If, having accepted an invitation, one -changes her mind, she certainly ought to -give some reason when writing a note of -apology.</p> - - -<h3>LETTERS.</h3> - -<p>In writing letters and notes of invitation, -acceptance, regrets, or introduction, certain -and specific rules of etiquette, ordained by -custom, hold despotic sway; and unless one -is acquainted with these, he must be considered -by those who are, as more or less -uncultivated.</p> - -<p>In addressing an envelope one surely -ought to know that the first line of the -address should be at or below the middle -of the envelope, and the address should be -written in a plain hand devoid of flourishes. -The place for the stamp is always the upper -right-hand corner.</p> - -<p>In no way is one’s culture sooner made -known than by his manner of writing a note -or letter.</p> - -<p>In a formal business letter or in one -commencing “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madam,” -the name of the person addressed is put at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span> -the end of the letter in the left-hand corner, -but it should not be repeated, if it is -used at the head of the letter.</p> - -<p>The writing of notes in the third person -is now confined to notes of invitations, -acceptance, and regret.</p> - -<p>Nothing would show greater ignorance -than signing one’s name to a note written -in the third person.</p> - -<p>In addressing a clergyman it is customary -to commence with “Reverend Sir.” Doctors -of Divinity and of Medicine are thus -distinguished: “The Rev. James Swift, D. -D.,” or “Rev. Dr. Swift;” “I. G. Latham, -M. D.,” or “Dr. Latham.”</p> - -<p>In writing to servants, it is customary to -begin thus: “To Mary Bates,—Mrs. White -wishes, etc.”</p> - -<p>When a woman is writing to strangers who -will not know whether to address her in reply -as “Mrs.” or “Miss,” the address of -the writer should be given in full, after -signing her letter, as, “Mrs. Jane Smith,” -followed by the direction; or, if unmarried, -the “Miss” should be placed in marks of parenthesis -preceding the signature. One -should never sign her name as “Mrs.” or -“Miss.”</p> - -<p>The formal manner of address in a note -or letter written in the first person, is, “My<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span> -Dear Mrs. Brown;” the less formal is “Dear -Mrs. Brown.” To an intimate friend one -may use either. “Dear Mary” is less formal -than “My Dear Mary,” and yet to one -who is near, the real significance of the -latter form is very sweet and full of tender -meaning. However, there are no rigid laws -to regulate the correspondence of friends.</p> - -<p>When a woman writes a personal note to -a man, no matter how slight her acquaintance -may be with him, it should begin “My -Dear Mr. Brown.”</p> - -<p>Ordinary social correspondence, when -forwarded by the hand of an adult socially -equal with the sender, should not be sealed. -If, for some reason, a letter must be sealed, -then the post or some other method of -letter conveyance should be used.</p> - -<p>The form “Addressed” on an envelope is -merely the relic of an old legal form that -has no especial significance nowadays, but -is put on the envelope as a matter of -courtesy. It means that the contents of -the envelope are for the person whose -name is written on the outside. It is very -seldom used, and is quite superfluous.</p> - -<p>Only letters of unmarried women and -widows are addressed with their baptismal -names. All letters of married women should -bear their husband’s names; as, “Mrs. John -Howe.”<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span></p> - -<p>Writing on the first, then on the third, -then crosswise on the second and fourth -pages of a letter, facilitates the reading and -is in perfectly good form.</p> - -<p>It is very bad taste for a doctor’s wife to -assume his title. An invitation addressed -to them should read “Dr. and Mrs. Jones.”</p> - -<p>One should not write “Mrs. John Brown, -<i>née</i> Lottie Smith,” because one is not born -with a Christian name; instead, one would -write “Mrs. John Brown, <i>née</i> Smith.”</p> - -<p>The use of perfumed stationery is not -general, nor is it in good taste.</p> - -<p>Any letter of congratulation received, even -though it be from a person with whom one -has only a slight acquaintance, requires an -answer.</p> - -<p>No matter how fond a young girl may -feel of a man whom she has known for -years, any letters, when trouble comes to -his family, should be addressed to his wife -and not to him.</p> - -<p>The fashion that obtains with reference -to placing the date on a letter is to place it -in the upper right-hand corner; on a note it -is usually placed in the lower left-hand -corner.</p> - -<p>A young girl who receives letters from a -man at the post-office without the knowledge -of her mother is doing something<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span> -wrong, which in time she will certainly regret, -and which, it is equally certain, will -result in trouble.</p> - -<p>It is not in the best taste to write letters of -friendship on the typewriter, but it will always -be excused in the busy woman.</p> - - -<h3>LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.</h3> - -<p>Letters of introduction are to be regarded -as certificates of respectability and esteem, -and should only be given by friends of the -person introduced and to friends. They -should be brief and carefully worded, intimating -the mutual pleasure that one feels -the acquaintance will confer, but not complimenting -the bearer so openly that he -will feel embarrassed in delivering the letter. -Such letters are left unsealed.</p> - -<p>There is no greater insult than to treat a -letter of introduction with indifference. A -person thus introduced ought to be called -upon at once, and shown any other little -attention within one’s power. In England -letters of introduction are called “tickets to -soup.”</p> - -<p>In England the party holding a letter of -introduction never takes it himself, but -sends it with his card. On the Continent -the reverse is the fashion. In America the -English custom prevails, though where a -young man has a letter to one many years<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span> -his senior or to one who is to aid him in -some enterprise, he takes it himself at once.</p> - -<p>A letter of introduction should be somewhat -like the following:</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<i>My Dear Mr. Barnes:</i><br /> - -<p><i>This note will introduce to you my friend, Mr. -Charles Smith, whom I know you will be as glad -to meet as he will be glad to meet you.</i></p> - -<p><i>Mr. Smith is an old friend of mine, and any -kindness you may be able to show him will be very -much appreciated by me.</i></p> - -<p class="sig"> -<i><span style="margin-right: 2em;">Faithfully yours,</span></i><br /> -<i>Anna Martin White.</i><br /> -</p></div> - -<p>Before giving a letter of introduction one -should be certain that the persons introduced -will be congenial to each other. Such -a letter puts a certain obligation on the person -to whom it is addressed: he will be -obliged to show the bearer some attention -and hospitality. It is, therefore, not right -to make the demand of a friend unless one -is certain that the acquaintanceship will -compensate him for the trouble he may -take.</p> -<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTE:</h3> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A_1">[A]</a> It is now quite common to omit marks of punctuation -at the end of lines in an invitation.</p></div></div> - -<hr class="chap" /> -<div class="chapter"></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span></p> - - -<h2>CHAPTER III.<br /> - -<small><span class="smcap">Dinners, Luncheons, Breakfasts, Teas,<br /> -Receptions, Dancing Parties, Cards,<br /> -Parties, Weddings, Wedding<br /> -Gifts, Wedding Anniversaries.</span></small></h2> - -<div class="blockquot2"> - -<p>“Manners aim to facilitate life, to get rid of -impediments.”</p></div> - - -<h3>DINNERS.<a name="FNanchor_B_2" id="FNanchor_B_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_B_2" class="fnanchor">[B]</a></h3> - -<p>A “dinner” is supposed to be an elaborate -affair, with numerous courses and ample service, -and is usually given at seven or eight -o’clock in the evening. At a dinner the -number of courses naturally varies according -to the taste and financial condition of the -hostess. (For arrangement of the table, see -<a href="#CHAPTER_VI">Chapter VI</a>.)</p> - -<p>For a formal dinner the courses usually -consist of soup, fish, a roast with one or -more vegetables, a salad, an ice or ice cream, -cakes, bonbons, and black coffee. Olives -and salted almonds, jellies, etc., generally -appear in some of the courses.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span></p> -<p>Although the following really belongs -under the head of “The Table” and “Service -at Table,” a repetition here may not -come amiss.</p> - -<p>The attendant places each dish, in succession, -before the host or hostess with the -pile of plates. Each plate is supplied, taken -by the attendant on a small salver, and set, -from the left, before the guest. A second -dish which belongs to the course is presented -at the left of the guest, who helps -himself. As a rule the woman at the right -of the host, or the eldest woman, should be -served first. As soon as a course is finished, -the plates are promptly removed, and the -next course is served in the same way. -Before the dessert is brought on, all crumbs -should be brushed from the cloth. The -finger bowls, which are brought in on a -napkin on a dessert-plate and set at the left -of the plate, are used by dipping the fingers -in lightly and drying them on the napkin. -They should be half full of warm water with -a bit of lemon floating in it. When all -have finished dessert, the hostess gives the -signal, by pushing back her chair, that dinner -is ended, and the guests repair to the -drawing-room, the oldest leading and the -youngest following last, the men passing -into the library or smoking-room.</p> - -<p>Seemingly, one should arrive at the house -where one is invited to a dinner or a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span> -luncheon at exactly the hour mentioned in -the invitation; but the proper thing at a -formal function is to get to the house ten -minutes after the hour of the meal, and to -be announced in the drawing-room five -minutes later.</p> - -<p>The host, with the guest of honor, leads -the way into the dining-room at a dinner; -at a luncheon the hostess leads the way -alone or with one of the guests.</p> - -<p>Fifteen minutes is the longest time required -to wait for a tardy guest when the -dinner hour was understood, as it always -should be.</p> - -<p>If the hostess thinks the visitor has no -acquaintances in the room, she introduces -her to two or three persons who are near -her, and then, counting on her knowledge -of the customs of society, she will feel quite -sure that her guest will enjoy herself.</p> - -<p>A hostess should never reprove a servant -before a guest, as it is unpleasant for all -concerned, and by passing over the annoyance -herself, it may escape the attention of -others.</p> - -<p>No accident must seem to disturb a hostess, -no disappointment embarrass her.</p> - -<p>At formal dinner parties the servant who -is detailed to attend to the wants of the men -guests hands each one, as he leaves the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span> -dressing-room, an envelope containing a -card bearing the name of the woman whom -he is to take to dinner.</p> - - -<h3>LUNCHEONS.</h3> - -<p>Luncheons are usually given between the -hours of one and two o’clock in the afternoon, -and to them women only are invited. -The menu is lighter than for a dinner, and -generally consists of sherbets, oyster patties, -scalloped oysters, sweet-breads, sandwiches, -salads, ices, cheese sticks, fruit, ice cream, -cakes, bonbons, salted almonds, olives, and -black coffee, served in such number and -order of courses as best suits the hostess.</p> - - -<h3>BREAKFASTS.</h3> - -<p>The difference between a breakfast and a -luncheon is very slight. On the invitation -the word breakfast is used instead of luncheon, -and the hour is earlier than for a luncheon. -Also men and woman may meet together -for a breakfast, and therefore a few -more solid courses are advisable. Otherwise -one may be guided entirely in giving -the entertainment by the rules which apply -to a luncheon.</p> - - -<h3>TEAS.</h3> - -<p>A tea is the simplest and easiest kind of -an entertainment to give, for the only -essential requisites for its success are prettily<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span> -arranged receiving-rooms, with as many -flowers as one can afford; a gracious hostess, -who stands during the hours of the function -to receive her guests and is properly dressed -in a becoming high-necked house dress; a -few other women, who also receive in pretty -dresses; and a dainty tea table, which may -be presided over by a woman friend or two -of the hostess. It is only necessary to serve -a modest menu of tea, chocolate or bouillon, -assorted sandwiches, fancy cakes, and bonbons. -The other factors to the tea’s success -are pleasant weather and well trained servants, -who may assist in serving the tea -and are alert to open and close the door for -the guests.</p> - -<p>At a formal function of any kind the guests -leave their wraps in dressing-rooms, where -one or more maids should be on hand to assist -women in their dressing-room, and a man -to perform the same services in the men’s -dressing-room; but at a small tea, where, as -a rule, the guests do not remove their street -wraps, it is only necessary to have a maid -in the entrance hall to be ready, if called on, -to do any service.</p> - -<p>It is not customary to offer refreshments -to casual evening callers; but if one has a -regular evening for receiving, she may have -a tea table in the drawing-room, and serve -tea, chocolate, sandwiches, cake, etc., as in -entertaining on the afternoon of a “day.”<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span></p> - - -<h3>RECEPTIONS.</h3> - -<p>On the day of the reception, the hostess, -with her assistants, should receive the -guests, standing at the door of the drawing-room. -The refreshment tables should be -spread in the dining-room, and prettily -decorated with flowers, candles in candelabra -or candlesticks, dishes of bonbons and -cakes, plates of sandwiches, and platters of -salad. A bouillon urn may stand at one -end of the table with cups, and coffee may -be served from the other end. All that is -necessary for the menu is bouillon, easily -prepared in the house from canned bouillon, -jellied tongue, chicken salad, and sandwiches, -ices and cake, fruit, and candies. -Coffee and lemonade will suffice for beverages. -If one can afford to have a few pieces -of music, so much the better. The musicians -should play from some hidden nook. -One or two servants in the dining-room, and -one to open and shut the front door, will be -all that is necessary.</p> - - -<h3>DANCING PARTIES.</h3> - -<p>For the form of invitation refer to <a href="#CHAPTER_II">Chapter -II</a>.</p> - -<p>In selecting a company for a dancing -party the hostess will naturally choose only -those who dance, and she should see, as far -as possible, that all the women are provided -with partners.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span></p> - -<p>It is better to dance first with one acquaintance -and then with another, rather than to -make one’s self conspicuous by giving a -great number of dances to one man.</p> - -<p>A man gives the first and last dances to -his partner of the evening.</p> - -<p>No man should invite a young woman to -attend a dress affair without providing a -carriage for her. When the party is small -and informal, it is allowable to go on the -street-cars.</p> - -<p>At the end of the dance, the man should -offer his arm to his partner, and take at least -one turn around the room before consigning -her to her seat.</p> - -<p>A man who can dance, and will not, -ought to remain away from a ball.</p> - -<p>If for any reason a girl should refuse to -dance with one man, she should not accept -another invitation for the same dance.</p> - -<p>An invitation to a ball may be asked for a -friend who is a stranger in town, and has -had no opportunity of making the acquaintance -of the one who gives the ball.</p> - -<p>A man should not ask a girl, to whom he -has been introduced for the purpose of dancing -with her, for more than two dances the -same evening.</p> - - -<h3>CARD PARTIES.</h3> - -<p>If given, prizes should be carefully chosen, -so that they may be in good taste and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span> -desirable. The supper should be served at -the card tables after the playing is over. -A large napkin should be spread on the top -of each table, and the refreshments served -in courses.</p> - - -<h3>WEDDINGS.</h3> - -<p>For invitation forms see <a href="#CHAPTER_II">Chapter II</a>.</p> - -<p>When a wedding takes place in a church -that has but one entrance, the customary -way for the bridal procession to enter is -for the groom and best man to walk in just -behind the minister, a little before the others, -and to take their places at the altar; then -the ushers enter, walking two by two; then -the bridesmaids in the same order; then the -maid of honor alone; and last the bride on -her father’s arm. The bride’s family enter -the church a few minutes before the minister -and the groom and bridal party.</p> - -<p>A bride goes up to the altar with her veil -over her face, but comes down with it -thrown back. It is the duty of the maid -of honor to throw it back immediately after -the ceremony is ended.</p> - -<p>When the bride’s mother gives her away -at a church ceremony, she usually walks up -the aisle with the bride. After she has -given her to the groom, she steps quietly -and unescorted to the front pew, where she -stays during the remainder of the service.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span> -The bride may walk up the aisle with an -attendant instead of with her mother, who -in this case steps from her seat in the front -pew to the chancel when the time comes -for her to officiate, and steps back to her -seat afterwards.</p> - -<p>The bride and the groom should stand at -the wedding reception until they have received -the congratulations of all present, -then, together, they should walk into the -room where the breakfast is to be served. -The others follow as they please, with the -exception of the parents on both sides. The -groom’s father usually escorts the bride’s -mother, and <i>vice versa</i>.</p> - -<p>It is not the custom for a bride to remove -her gloves at the wedding. The inside -seam of the ring finger of the glove should -be ripped beforehand; and when the time -comes for the ring to be put on, the bride -merely slips off this glove finger, and puts -it back again after the ring is on her finger.</p> - -<p>At no wedding service is it proper for the -bride to enter the church alone.</p> - -<p>At a church or house wedding where the -bride walks up the aisle with her sister -acting as the maid of honor, instead of with -a gentleman escort, she need not take the -arm of her attendant, as both the ladies will -look more graceful if walking separately. -The maid of honor should carry a bouquet,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span> -and the bride a bouquet, prayer-book, or -bible.</p> - -<p>At a home wedding the bride enters the -room on the arm of her father. With a -short dress she would not wear a veil.</p> - -<p>The wearing of gloves at an informal -wedding is entirely a matter of taste. -Recently at several large weddings they -were omitted by the entire bridal party.</p> - -<p>The prettiest way to make an aisle for -the bridal party at a house wedding is for -four children to enter the room where the -ceremony will be, just before the bridal -party comes in, and separate the guests into -two groups by stretching two pieces of -white ribbon the length of the room. A -child stands at each end of the two pieces -of ribbon, holding it while the bridal party -walks up between them, and during the service. -Ushers may hold the ribbons instead -of the children, or the ends may be fastened -around plants which are placed at the requisite -points.</p> - -<p>Where there is no side door through -which the groom and best man may enter -the room at a house wedding, they come in -by the principal door just before the bridal -party and just after the minister.</p> - -<p>It is not customary for the men at a wedding -party to kiss the bride; that is a liberty<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span> -taken only by the immediate members -of the family.</p> - -<p>A bride, if she wishes, may omit the -bridal veil, but she should then wear a -dainty bonnet or picture hat. The ushers -and best men are invited by the bridegroom.</p> - -<p>If the church wedding is a full dress one, -followed by an evening reception, it is -proper to wear an evening gown. If it is -in the daytime, a handsome visiting dress -and pretty bonnet are proper.</p> - -<p>At a daytime wedding the guests seldom -remove their bonnets, although, of course, -heavy wraps are frequently laid aside. At -an evening affair one goes in full dress without -anything on one’s head. The ushers -present the guests to the bridal party. The -bridesmaids are spoken to by the people -they know, but it is not necessary that they -should be addressed by everybody.</p> - -<p>A bride may wear her wedding dress -after her wedding day as much or as little -as she chooses. For the sake of sentiment -many brides like to preserve their wedding -dresses intact to hand down to future generations; -but a girl who has to consider -economy cannot afford to consider sentiment, -and often the wedding dress is converted -into a low dinner and evening gown -soon after the wedding day. A bride may,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span> -with perfect propriety, wear her wedding -dress to the reception given her after her -wedding by the groom’s mother. Of course, -she will wear it just as it was when she was -married, high in the neck, unless the reception -takes place in the evening and demands -evening dress, when, according to the conventions, -it must be cut low.</p> - -<p>A bridegroom is always expected to furnish -the bouquets that the bride, bridesmaids, -and all the bride’s attendants carry -at the wedding. He should learn from the -bride the flowers she wishes, and should -order them several days before the wedding, -so that they may be ready at the -bride’s house when the bridesmaids meet -there to go together to the church or to the -place where the ceremony is held.</p> - -<p>Besides furnishing these bouquets, the -groom provides the ushers and best men -with their <i>boutonnières</i>, and gives them also -some small souvenir, and, if he wishes, a -bachelor dinner or supper a day or two before -the wedding.</p> - -<p>There are no wedding luncheons nowadays. -Every entertainment of the kind up -to two o’clock is called a breakfast, and -when it takes place in the afternoon or -evening it is called a reception.</p> - - -<h3>WEDDING GIFTS.</h3> - -<p>The idea that a wedding invitation necessitates<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span> -a present has, sensibly enough, gone -out of fashion, and only those who are -bound by ties of blood or close friendship -have the privilege of sending a gift to the -bride.</p> - -<p>Presents should be sent as soon after receiving -the invitations as possible. All wedding -gifts, even from friends of the groom -who may never have met the bride, are sent -to the bride; and, if marked, they should -be engraved with the initials or monogram -of the bride’s maiden name, or they may -have her name in full.</p> - -<p>Wedding presents should be acknowledged -by the bride-elect in a short personal -note, which should be written and sent immediately -on receipt of the present.</p> - -<p>When several friends combine in giving a -present to the bride, she should write a letter -of thanks to each one separately, sending -the letters by post.</p> - -<p>It is perfectly proper to open a gift in the -presence of the giver, and express one’s -pleasure and gratitude on the spot. Indeed, -it is much better form to do so than to wait -until the giver has gone.</p> - - -<h3>WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES.</h3> - -<p>The paper wedding, so termed, is celebrated -one year after marriage. Invitations -should be issued on heavy gray paper or<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span> -thin card-board. Presents may consist of -any article made of paper or <i>papier mâché;</i> -such, for instance, as books, engravings, -etc.</p> - -<p>The wooden wedding is celebrated five -years after marriage. Invitations may be -issued upon wooden cards, or wooden cards -may be inclosed with an invitation written -or engraved upon a sheet of wedding note -paper. The presents may be anything -made of wood, from a mustard spoon to a -house or set of furniture.</p> - -<p>The tin wedding comes ten years after -marriage. Invitation cards are sometimes -covered with tin foil, or tin cards are inclosed, -or, if preferred, the invitation is -printed on tin bronze paper. Presents -should consist of articles made of tin.</p> - -<p>The crystal wedding, fifteen years after -marriage, is next in order. Cards may be -issued upon transparent paper, or upon -note paper with a card of isinglass inclosed.</p> - -<p>The china wedding takes place twenty -years after marriage. Semi-transparent -cardboard will answer for the invitations.</p> - -<p>The silver wedding is celebrated on the -twenty-fifth anniversary, and is generally an -occasion of much more importance than any -of the foregoing anniversaries. The invitations -may be printed on silver paper, and -the presents are, of course, articles of silver.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span></p> - -<p>The golden wedding, celebrated on the -fiftieth anniversary of the marriage, may be -said to be the one in which the young do -homage to the old. It should be conducted -by the near relatives or friends of the -couple, and the occasion should be made -one of retrospect, of encouragement, and of -congratulation. The invitations should be -on white paper in gold letters, and the -presents should be of gold.</p> - -<p>At each of these anniversaries it is -customary to have the marriage ceremony -re-performed, and all arrangements for the -celebration are made in about the same -manner as for the first marriage.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 67px;"> -<img src="images/i-057.jpg" width="67" height="102" alt="decoration" /> -</div> - - -<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTE:</h3> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_B_2" id="Footnote_B_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_B_2">[B]</a> In looking up any one point in this book,—as -“dinners,” for instance,—one will be obliged sometimes -to refer to more than one place. <a href="#CHAPTER_II">Chapter II</a>., -under “Notes of Invitation,” and <a href="#CHAPTER_I">Chapter I</a>., under -its three different heads, contain more or less information -concerning “dinners,” which it seems difficult -to classify anymore closely than has been done.</p></div></div> - -<hr class="chap" /> -<div class="chapter"></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2><a id="CHAPTER_IV"></a>CHAPTER IV.<br /> - -<small><span class="smcap">Conversation, Chaperonage, Marriage,<br /> -Domestic Etiquette<br /> -and Duties.</span></small></h2> - -<div class="blockquot2"> - -<p>“Manners are not idle, but are the fruit of -noble natures and of loyal minds.”</p></div> - - -<h3>CONVERSATION.</h3> - -<p>The late Dr. George Ripley was wont to -say that the secret of being agreeable in -conversation was to be honorable to the -ideas of others. He affirmed that some -people only half listened to you, because -they were considering, even while you -spoke, with what fine words, what wealth -of wit, they should reply, and they began -to speak almost before your sentence had -died upon your lips. These people, he said, -might be brilliant, witty, dazzling, but -never could they be agreeable. You do not -love to talk to them. You feel that they -are impatient for their turn to come, and -that they have no hospitality towards your -thoughts—none of that gentle friendliness -which asks your idea and makes much of it. -This want of hospitality to other people’s -ideas often has its root in egotism, but it is -equally apt to be the growth of a secret<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span> -want of self-confidence, a fear that one will -not be ready to take one’s own part well,—an -uneasy self-consciousness which makes real -sympathetic attention to the ideas of others -impossible.</p> - -<p>Agreeability, readiness in conversation, -tact and graciousness of manner are great -aids to popularity. To possess these qualities -one must have marked consideration for -others, and be ever ready to manifest it. -One should also be ready to recall faces and -names.</p> - -<p>Though one has but few facts and ideas -to draw upon, she may still, by making sufficient -effort, become a fair conversationalist. -If one despair in this direction, she -may at least train herself to become an interesting -listener, and she will be surprised -to find how popular she will be; for three-quarters -of the world like to talk, while to -listen intelligently is a great talent. The -good listener, by her evident interest in, and -sympathetic attention to, the matter of conversation, -brings out all that is best in the -one with whom she talks. Diffident people -forget their shyness in her presence, and -leave her with the comfortable and novel -conviction that they have, after all, acquitted -themselves rather well.</p> - -<p>No well-bred person would be guilty of -the gross rudeness of picking up a book or<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span> -magazine and “looking through” it while -pretending to pay heed to the talk of a -friend. The assurance, “I am only looking -at the pictures of this magazine, not reading, -and I hear every word you say,” is no palliation -of the offence. The speaker would be -justified in refusing to continue the conversation -until the pictures had been properly -studied. If a speech is worth hearing, -it is worthy of respectful and earnest attention.</p> - -<p>No one should ever monopolize the conversation, -unless he wishes to win for himself -the name of a bore.</p> - -<p>A well-educated and finely cultured person -proclaims himself by the simplicity and -terseness of his language.</p> - -<p>In conversation all provincialisms, affectations -of foreign accents, mannerisms, exaggerations, -and slang are detestable.</p> - -<p>Flippancy is as much an evidence of ill-breeding -as is the perpetual smile, the -wandering eye, the vacant stare, or the half-open -mouth of the man who is preparing to -break in upon the conversation.</p> - -<p>Interruption of the speech of others is a -great sin against good breeding.</p> - -<p>Anecdotes should be sparsely introduced -into a conversation, lest they become stale. -Repartee must be indulged in with moderation. -Puns are considered vulgar by many.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span></p> - -<p>In addressing persons with titles, one -ought always to add the name; as, “What -do you think, Doctor Graves?” not, “What -do you think, Doctor?”</p> - -<p>The great secret of talking well is to -adapt one’s conversation skillfully to the -hearers.</p> - -<p>In a <i>tête-à-tête</i> conversation, it is extremely -ill-bred to drop the voice to a whisper, -or to converse on private matters.</p> - -<p>One should never try to hide the lips in -talking by putting up the hand or a fan.</p> - -<p>One should avoid long conversations in -society with members of his own family.</p> - -<p>If an unfinished conversation is continued -after the entrance of a visitor, its import -should be explained to him.</p> - -<p>Though bores find their account in speaking -ill or well of themselves, it is the characteristic -of a gentleman that he never -speaks of himself at all. La Buryere says: -“The great charm of conversation consists -less in the display of one’s own wit and -intelligence than in the power to draw forth -the resources of others; he who leaves one -after a long conversation, pleased with himself -and the part <i>he</i> has taken in the discourse, -will be the other’s warmest admirer.”</p> - -<p>In society the absent-minded man is -uncivil.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span></p> - -<p>There are many persons who commence -speaking before they know what they are -going to say. The ill-natured world, which -never misses an opportunity of being severe, -declares them to be foolish and destitute of -brains.</p> - -<p>He who knows the world, will not be too -bashful; he who knows himself, will not be -imprudent.</p> - -<p>There is no surer sign of vulgarity than -the perpetual boasting of fine things at -home.</p> - -<p>One should be careful how freely he -offers advice.</p> - -<p>If one keeps silent sometimes upon subjects -of which he is known to be a judge, -his silence, when from ignorance, will not -discover him.</p> - -<p>One should not argue a point when it is -possible to avoid it, but when he does argue, -he should do so in a gentlemanly and dispassionate -manner.</p> - -<p>One should never notice any mistakes in -the language of others.</p> - - -<h3>CHAPERONAGE.</h3> - -<p>The foreign custom that makes a chaperone -indispensable where young people are -gathered together at places of public entertainment, -has long obtained in the cities of -the East, and in all conventional communities<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span> -everywhere. No really fashionable -party is made up without a chaperone.</p> - -<p>A young woman condemns herself in the -eyes of good society who is observed to -enter alone with a young man a place of -public refreshment, be the restaurant or tea -room ever so select. Bred under other conditions -of a society so necessarily varying as -that in our broad America, a stranger visiting -New York, for instance, might readily -and innocently make a mistake of this -nature, and blush at finding herself condemned -for it. In the same category of -offenses is ranked that of maidens visiting -places of public amusement under the escort -of young men alone. Many parts of the -South and West allow this to be done with -the smiling consent of good society; but in -Eastern cities it is considered a violation of -good form, and for the comfort, if not the -convenience, of the girl considering it, had -better be ranked among the lost privileges -upon which social evolution may look back -with fond regret.</p> - -<p>It is always wisest, when a number of -young people are to have a party, to ask two -or three married women to be present, not -only for propriety’s sake, but because there -will then be no danger of anything unwished -for happening, inasmuch as it is the duty of -the chaperones to make all social entertainments -smooth and pleasant.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span></p> - -<p>When it is necessary for a girl to pay long -visits to a dentist’s office, she should be -accompanied either by her mother, or some -woman relative, or maid.</p> - -<p>The etiquette of chaperonage is much less -strict for a young widow than for an unmarried -girl of the same age; but it is important -and in good taste for a woman who -is a widow to be very quiet and inconspicuous -in all she does, giving by her behavior -no opportunity for criticism.</p> - - -<h3>MARRIAGE.</h3> - -<p>A young girl’s own safety, as regards her -present and future happiness, demands that -she receive attentions from only the best of -young men,—those of whom her reason -would approve, if the acquaintance should -lead to more than acquaintance.</p> - -<p>Parents should carefully watch the young -men who frequent their houses, in order to -see that undesirable intimacies are not -formed with their daughters, for friendships -and intimacies soon lead to love.</p> - -<p>Many a girl, feeling convinced that she had -loved unwisely, has entered upon the married -state with heart and reason at variance, -when she might have given up the acquaintance, -in the beginning of it, very easily.</p> - -<p>The most perfect reserve in courtship, -even in cases of the most ardent attachment,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span> -is indispensable to the confidence and trust -of married life to come.</p> - -<p>All public display of devotion should be -avoided, for it tends to lessen mutual respect, -and it makes the actors ridiculous in the -eyes or others. It is quite possible for a -man to show every conceivable attention to -the one to whom he is engaged, and yet to -avoid committing the slightest offence -against delicacy or good taste.</p> - -<p>It is quite possible for a man to show -attention, and even assiduity up to a certain -point, without becoming a lover; and it is -equally possible for the girl to let it be seen -that he is not disagreeable to her, without -actually encouraging him. No man likes -to be refused, and no man of tact will risk -a refusal.</p> - -<p>Long engagements are usually entered -into by people who are quite young, but -who, for some reason, cannot marry. As -the years go on their tastes may change, -and yet each may feel that honor binds the -one to the other. The woman chosen by a -man when he is twenty-one is seldom the -woman he would chose when he is forty. -When people marry young they grow -accustomed to each other, and, oddly -enough, they grow to be alike; but during -a long engagement their tastes are apt to -change, and the result is apt to be anything<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span> -but a happy one. Of course, there are exceptions, -but, generalizing, the long -engagement is to be feared.</p> - - -<h3>DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES.</h3> - -<p>Etiquette is a comprehensive term, and its -observances are nowhere more to be desired -than in the domestic circle.</p> - -<p>If husbands and wives, generally, would -render each other half of the little attentions -they lavished upon each other before marriage, -their mutual happiness would be -more than doubled.</p> - -<p>A wife should never let her husband have -cause to complain that she is more agreeable -abroad than at home, nor see her negligent of -dress and manners at home when it is the -reverse in company.</p> - -<p>If, unhappily, any misunderstandings or -annoyances occur between husband and -wife, it is ill-bred and unjust for either to -repeat them to a third person.</p> - -<p>Faithful unto death in all things should -be the motto of both husband and wife; and -forbearance with each other’s peculiarities, -their never-ending effort to attain.</p> - -<p>If a girl discovers very soon after her -marriage that she has made a mistake, it is -wisest for her to make the best of it; she -should look for all that is good in her husband -and try to forget that which she dislikes.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span> -There are times when a legal separation -is necessary, but when people marry -they marry for better or for worse, and if, -unfortunately, it should be for worse, even -that does not release them from the solemn -vows which they have taken.</p> - -<p>It is not in good taste for a husband and -wife to call each other by endearing names -in the presence of others.</p> - -<p>A man has no right whatever to open his -wife’s mail, but a woman should not receive -any letters that she would not be willing -that her husband should see.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 59px;"> -<img src="images/i-067.jpg" width="59" height="55" alt="decoration" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> -<div class="chapter"></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2>CHAPTER V.<br /> - -<small><span class="smcap">Dress, Gloves, Street Etiquette,<br /> -Traveling, Bicycling, Telephoning.</span></small></h2> - -<div class="blockquot2"> - -<p>“Refinement of character is said never to -be found with vulgarity of dress.”</p></div> - - -<h3>DRESS.</h3> - -<p>In appropriateness our people have something -to learn, as has the whole world, for -that matter. Necklaces and jewels in the -morning are monstrous, no matter what the -fashion of the moment may be, and there -will come a time when every one will look -upon them with horror, as every one, indeed, -used to do.</p> - -<p>The day is past when latitude or great -variety in dress is considered original. -Clothes, if they are startling at all, must be -startling in a degree to be borne. A train -cannot be worn where only a short skirt is -in order, nor can an abbreviated drapery go -where full dress is required. A garden -party, for instance, or an out-of-door tea at -a private house demands a muslin, a silk, -or, at any rate, an elaborate toilet, while at -a golf club, such dress is absurd, except for -the elderly or non-players. In winter, frills<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span> -and furbelows, if they are worn at all, are -worn at large teas, the plain tailor-made -suit having gone out for such purposes. -However, it is difficult to follow the vagaries -of fashion in these regards.</p> - -<p>For morning wear, no dress can be too -simple. Luncheons are growing more and -more informal. When distances are great, -however, and one dresses for calls in the -part of town where the luncheon is, afterward, -more elaborateness of dress is allowed.</p> - -<p>The best advice to all girls upon the subject -must be, not to be overdressed, nor yet -to be careless in the matter. They should -attire themselves according to their circumstances, -and should, above all things, avoid -all extremes of fashion, as well as all eccentricities -of style.</p> - -<p>Only quiet colors should be worn either -to church or on the street, and wherever -girls go they should endeavor to be unconscious -of their personal appearance.</p> - -<p>The woman who is overdressed at an -afternoon reception is much more uncomfortable -than she who is gowned with the -simplicity of a Quaker. A well fitting wool -gown, a becoming bonnet, a fresh pair of -gloves, and one is suitably dressed as a -caller.</p> - -<p>A girl of fourteen should not wear her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[68]</a></span> -hair done up, and her gown should come -just below her ankles.</p> - -<p>It is not in good taste for a young girl to -wear diamond rings; if she is fortunate -enough to possess them, let her keep them -carefully until she is older, and then she -may wear them with perfect propriety.</p> - -<p>It is in very bad taste to wear a dressing-sacque -when breakfasting in a public dining-room -of a hotel. Such an undress -costume is only permissible in one’s own -room.</p> - -<p>A frock coat is, under no circumstances, -a correct garment for a man to wear at an -evening dance, neither is a Tuxedo or dinner -coat. The proper dress is a full dress -suit, with white vest and white string tie. -Possibly a dinner coat might be allowable -at a very small and very informal dance, -but a frock coat never.</p> - -<p>A man should wear a white tie with a -dress suit at any large formal entertainment, -such as a ball, the opera, a wedding reception, -a large dinner party, etc., and on all occasions -where he wears a white waistcoat. He should -wear a black tie at the theater, at a small -dinner, in calling, and at home with his -dinner coat.</p> - -<p>Evening dress may be as gay as one -chooses to make it, though extremes are -not desirable.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[69]</a></span></p> - -<p>Dresses made a suitable length for walking -are much more appropriate for the street -than those that are so long that their wearers -become street cleaners.</p> - -<p>Neatness in a lady’s dress is one of the -first requisites.</p> - -<p>To dress well requires good taste, good -sense, and refinement.</p> - -<p>The most appropriate and becoming dress -is that which so harmonizes with the figure -that the apparel is unobserved.</p> - -<p>A hostess should be careful not to out-dress -her guests.</p> - -<p>When going out one should consider the -sort of company she is likely to meet, and -should dress accordingly.</p> - -<p>The idea that “dress makes the man” is -a very false one, but a man <i>does</i> make, or -select, rather, his dress, and is judged somewhat -in accordance with that selection.</p> - -<p>At a five o’clock church wedding the -groom, best man, and ushers all dress as -nearly as possible alike. The proper costume -or suit is a black frock coat, gray -trousers, black or fancy vesting waist coat, -white tie, <i>glacé</i> gloves, patent leather boots, -and a tall hat.</p> - - -<h3>GLOVES.</h3> - -<p>A young woman should of course wear -gloves with a full evening dress to any kind -of an evening entertainment.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[70]</a></span></p> - -<p>On taking one’s seat at a dinner table or -a card table one may remove one’s gloves, -but not until then; and at the theater or -opera, gloves should be worn throughout -the performance and during the evening.</p> - -<p>A man wears light or white kid gloves to -the opera, dances, a reception, or any other -formal evening entertainment, except a -dinner.</p> - -<p>It is usual to remove one’s gloves when -eating supper at an evening affair, unless -merely a cup of bouillon or an ice may be -chosen, and then there would be no impropriety -in keeping on one’s gloves.</p> - -<p>A man wears gloves when calling, and -removes them just before or just after entering -the parlor. Tan gloves may be worn -at all hours of the day; white or pearl -ones are proper in the evening, when calling, -or at any place of amusement.</p> - -<p>No matter how long one’s gloves are, they -should be entirely taken off at supper, and -be resumed again upon returning to the -drawing-room or after using the finger -bowls, and before arising from the feast.</p> - -<p>To wear gloves while playing cards is an -affectation of elegance.</p> - - -<h3>STREET ETIQUETTE.</h3> - -<p>A man offers his right arm, if either, to a -woman on the street (also in the house),<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[71]</a></span> -that she may have her right hand free for -holding her parasol or guiding her train. -Both common sense and gallantry assign the -woman’s place where it is for her greatest -convenience, and that is, undeniably, on the -right of the man.</p> - -<p>The rule for giving the left arm was -held good in those days when it was necessary -for men to pass to the left, thus keeping -the sword-arm free for self-protection or -for the protection of the women, but now -the passing is all to the right.</p> - -<p>In walking with a woman a man chooses -the outer side without any regard as to its -being either the right or the left. In walking -with two women he chooses the outer -side also, and never walks between them.</p> - -<p>A man walking with a woman returns a -bow made to her, lifting his hat, although -the one bowing is a stranger to him.</p> - -<p>Ladies do not talk or call across the street.</p> - -<p>Men should not smoke when driving or -walking with women, nor on promenades -much frequented, where they cannot remove -the cigar from the mouth whenever meeting -a woman.</p> - -<p>One should never stare at another.</p> - -<p>A man when meeting a woman who is -walking and with whom he wishes to converse, -does not allow her to stand while -talking, but turns and walks with her.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[72]</a></span></p> - -<p>A man cannot refuse to return the bow of -any respectable woman. If he does not -wish to recognize her he must avoid her.</p> - -<p>It is much less rude for women to return -a recognition coldly, and upon the next -occasion to turn away or to avoid a meeting, -than to give a “cut direct.”</p> - -<p>A man precedes a woman in passing -through a crowd; but women precede men -under ordinary circumstances.</p> - -<p>It is not proper for a young girl to walk -alone with a young man after dark, unless -she is engaged to him or he is a near relative -of hers. A young woman should meet a -young man with whom she has only a slight -acquaintance under her father’s or a proper -guardian’s roof. When he has become well -acquainted with her and her family or -friends, she may take occasional walks with -him alone in the afternoon, but never in the -evening.</p> - -<p>When two women meet in a door-way, -the younger gives precedence to the elder.</p> - -<p>A man does not first offer to shake hands -with a woman unless he is very well -acquainted with her.</p> - -<p>When it becomes necessary for one to -address a man or woman whose name one -does not know, it should be as “Sir” or -“Madam.”<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[73]</a></span></p> - -<p>It is very bad taste for young women to -eat candy during a theatrical performance, -or, indeed, in any public place.</p> - - -<h3>TRAVELING.</h3> - -<p>One can travel all over the United States -alone, and if she conducts herself quietly, -and as a lady should, she will receive all -due respect. At the same time it is perhaps -a little wiser to have a friend with one, or -even, if that is not possible, to be put in -the care of some one who is making the same -journey.</p> - -<p>When a young woman is traveling alone -and is obliged to stay at a hotel, she is -shown to a reception room and sends for a -clerk to come to her. After the business -arrangements are made, she either gives -him a card or tells him her name, and he -registers for her. There is no reason why -she should go into a public room or register -herself.</p> - -<p>It is not customary, unless one is without -luggage, to pay in advance at a hotel.</p> - -<p>Fees are usually given on leaving the -steamer to the steward or stewardess, deck -steward, head waiter, waiter of the particular -table at which one has taken his meals, -and any other servants who have made -themselves useful to him during the voyage. -The amount of the fees depends on the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span> -amount of the service that has been required, -varying from $1 to $5 for each. -Living in lodgings abroad is much cheaper -than living in hotels, and in most of the -large cities such accommodations may be -had at reasonable rates, and are very comfortable. -The prices for lodging vary according -to location, etc. A steamer trunk -should suffice for a traveler who makes -a short trip abroad and intends to spend -all his time traveling and sight-seeing. -Money for a short trip can be carried -on the person, in a belt, or a pocket -hung about the neck. For a trip of some -length a letter of credit is more convenient, -and can be obtained from any banking-house -having foreign connections. In some -countries traveling in the second-class carriages -is very comfortable; in others it is -not. In Italy a traveler can be comfortable -only by traveling first-class; in France -second-class is not bad; and in Germany -and Great Britain it is perfectly comfortable, -and preferable to first-class in many -respects.</p> - -<p>A rush and scramble at a railway ticket -office is only carried on by ill-bred people, -or by those who appear so at the time.</p> - -<p>If a woman offers to seat herself beside -a man, he should rise at once and give her -the choice of seats.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[75]</a></span></p> - -<p>No real gentlemen would be unmindful -of the comfort and convenience of women, -while traveling, from a selfish motive.</p> - -<p>In the cars one has no right to keep a -window open, if the current of air thus -produced annoys another.</p> - -<p>A woman should always be careful to -thank a person for any little attention he -may bestow upon her while traveling.</p> - - -<h3>BICYCLING.</h3> - -<p>As to rules of politeness for bicyclers, one -who is a true lady will show herself to be -one as surely when riding a wheel as at any -other time, not only by her costume, which -will be unobtrusive in color, cut, and adjustment, -but by her manner, which will be -even more quiet and self-possessed than -usual, as she well knows that by mounting -a wheel she makes herself more or less conspicuous. -It goes without saying that she -will not ride fast enough to attract undue -attention; that she will not chew gum; and -that she will not allow advances from strangers, -who may, like herself, be on a wheel, -and, to all appearances, may be gentlemen. -Neither will she ride off alone after dark, -nor take long rides in the evening attended -only by an escort. In the daytime, when -out only with a man friend, she will avoid -stopping to rest under the trees and in out of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[76]</a></span> -the way places. Too much care cannot be -taken, especially by young girls, as to appearances. -Their very innocence and ignorance -lays them open to criticism.</p> - - -<h3>TELEPHONING.</h3> - -<p>For the benefit of those who but seldom -make use of the telephone, and consequently -feel more or less ill at ease when attempting -to use one, and also for those who, from ignorance -of the first laws of politeness, or who, -from thoughtlessness, ignore them, a few -hints upon the subject may not come amiss. -It is after having called up “Central,” and -been given the number requested, that one -often stands in need of no small amount of tact -and good breeding, as well as of some idea of -the best method of procedure. When there -are several different persons using the same -line, two or three of them may mistake the -call for theirs, and all rush to the telephone -at once. If at all stupid, or lacking in -politeness, they will make it quite unpleasant -for each other. The one entitled to -speak should politely inquire for the one -for whom she has called at the telephone, -also giving her own name as the one delivering -the message. If this does not suffice -to enlighten those who sometimes keep -calling “hello,” “hello,” without waiting -to learn if they are the ones desired, the -one talking should again announce herself,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[77]</a></span> -and the name of the one to whom she -wishes to speak. Then, occasionally, even -while in the midst of a conversation, -some one will break in with a “Hello!” -“Who is it?” “What do you want?” etc., -which is quite distracting. If one can gain -a hearing in no other way, it is well to say: -“Excuse me, I hold the line.” If this does -not bring order out of chaos, one should -ring off and call again.</p> - -<p>One should be careful not to call up -friends at inconvenient hours, and when one -is notified by a servant, or otherwise, that -someone, the name being given, is at the -telephone wishing to speak with her, she -should certainly be as expeditious as possible -in replying; for, by holding the wire, -she is inconveniencing others, as well as the -one who is waiting for her. No lady needs -to be warned against speaking discourteously -under any circumstances to the telephone -assistants at the central office. It is -in these little things that one shows herself -to be well-bred or not.</p> - -<p>None, of course, but the most informal of -invitations can be delivered by telephone.</p> - -<p>Servants should be taught always to answer -the telephone politely and intelligently. -When answering, a servant should say -whose residence it is, if asked, not by giving -the family name, as “Smith,” but as<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[78]</a></span> -“Mr. Smith,” and then, if asked who is at -the instrument, she should reply, “Mrs. -Smith’s cook” or “maid.”</p> - -<p>One’s individual manners, and ordinary -polite or impolite forms of address, are very -noticeable when accentuated by the telephone.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 56px;"> -<img src="images/i-080.jpg" width="56" height="56" alt="" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> -<div class="chapter"></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2><a id="CHAPTER_VI"></a>CHAPTER VI.<br /> - -<small><span class="smcap">The Table and Service at Table,<br /> -Habits at Table, Servants<br /> -and Serving.</span></small></h2> - -<div class="blockquot2"> - -<p>“God may forgive sins, but awkwardness -has no forgiveness in Heaven or earth.”—<i>Hawthorne.</i></p></div> - - -<h3>THE TABLE AND SERVICE AT TABLE.</h3> - -<p>The table looks best when not over-decorated. -The housekeeper who cannot make -changes in her table decoration finds that a -mirror centerpiece is a background that -multiplies the beauty of her flowers, fruit, -leaves, or whatever may constitute the -decoration.</p> - -<p>A unique and effective decoration for a -luncheon table is made of long, narrow bouquets -of white carnations, tied with bows of -yellow satin ribbon, and arranged so that -the ribbons all meet in the center of the -table, while the points are directed towards -the guests. The effect is of a great golden-hearted -daisy.</p> - -<p>A pretty conceit for decorating a dainty -table is to cluster a number of small palms together -in the center of the table. Around -these place small ferns, while beyond the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[80]</a></span> -latter arrange yards of smilax so as to conceal -the pots. Outside of all have a flat -border composed of loose bunches of pinks, -roses, and maiden-hair ferns. Tie these with -wide pink satin ribbons, a long end of which -should extend from each bouquet down to -the place of each of the women guests, and -have her name painted in gold upon it. -Then there should be <i>boutonnières</i> of pink -carnations for the men.</p> - -<p>Menu cards are not ordinarily used at any -but the most formal kind of an entertainment. -They are always seen at large functions, -men’s public dinners, etc., which are -usually given in a hotel or restaurant; but -in a private house individual menu cards, -whether at a dinner or a luncheon, are exceptional.</p> - -<p>When the dinner is large and formal, or -even when it numbers only eight or ten, it -is wise to have small cards with the names -of the guests at each place at the table, -and, if the guests are strangers to each -other, to have a tray in the men’s dressing-room -or hall where they remove their coats -and hats with tiny envelopes addressed to -each, containing little cards on which is -written the name of the dinner partner. The -hostess must see that, as soon as two dinner -partners are in the receiving room before -dinner, they meet each other, and have a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[81]</a></span> -chance for a little conversation before the -meal is announced; and she should also -make a point to introduce each woman before -dinner to the man who is to sit on the -other side of her.</p> - -<p>Introductions are not proper at the table, -and at a large dinner it is awkward to introduce -all one’s guests to each other before -the meal. At a small dinner, of course, it -is not necessary to observe all this formality, -and the hostess may introduce her guests -to each other without much ceremony, when -the company numbers only four or six; but -with more, each woman should be provided -with a partner who escorts her to the table. -At a small function there need be but a -few minutes of waiting before the guests -are all seated. The guest of honor sits at the -right of the host.</p> - -<p>As to the manner of arranging the table, -there is some difference of opinion. However, -generally speaking, there should be a -napkin, squarely folded, in front of each -guest, and at the left of it the forks, <i>i. e.</i>, -a fish fork and a large and a small ordinary -fork. At the right of the napkin should be -the knives and spoons, a glass, bread-and-butter -plate (if used), and a salt cellar; and -in the center of the table on an embroidered -centerpiece or circular mirror, the floral -decorations. At the head of the table, upon<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span> -an embroidered square, are laid the tea service,—the -urn, the cups and saucers, the -cream pitcher, sugar bowl, etc.; at the other -end are placed the dishes for serving. Scattered -about on circular doilies are the dishes -of jelly, preserves, pickles (sweet and sour), -olives, salted almonds, etc.</p> - -<p>Chafing-dishes are used to prepare such -dishes as terrapin, oysters, or whatever may -be cooked absolutely on the table. A napkin -and plate, or tray, is best liked for -removing crumbs.</p> - -<p>Finger bowls should always follow the -last course at formal and informal meals -alike, except at breakfast, when, if fruit is -the first course, the finger-bowl is put on -the table when the covers are laid ready for -the fruit course.</p> - -<p>Spoon-holders are no longer used, but if -one should be fancied it would be better to -put the bowl of the spoon in the holder first.</p> - -<p>Unless one serves something more than -wafers, small cakes, tea, and chocolate on -an “at home” day, napkins are not necessary; -if, however, there is some dish that -will soil the fingers or the lips, then there -should be a pile of small napkins on the tea-table.</p> - -<p>Tooth-picks should not be put on the -table, nor should they be used outside one’s -own room.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[83]</a></span></p> - -<p>It is not necessary to fold one’s napkin -when only one meal is to be eaten in the -house in which one is staying.</p> - -<p>The day for tying cakes, sandwiches, etc., -with ribbons has passed.</p> - -<p>The waitress should stand with a tray in -her hand behind the host’s chair to receive -each plate as it is filled, passing it to the -left of the guest, and waiting for him to remove -it. When the hostess is pouring tea -or coffee, the maid’s place is by her -left side in waiting for the cups. After -that she should be on the alert to see when -the glasses need filling, or when there is -bread, pickles, or anything to be passed. -When removing the plates it should be from -the right side of the guest, but everything -should be offered at the left that the right -hand may be used to receive it.</p> - -<p>When a dish is passed and there is no -maid in attendance, one should help himself -and pass it on. If a dish is standing -near one, under such circumstances, he may -quite properly ask if he may help himself, -and do so.</p> - -<p>When a plate is passed for a helping, the -knife and fork are laid well to the side of -the plate, so placed that they will not fall -off, and yet not be in the way of the server.</p> - -<p>All the appurtenances of each course -should be removed before the succeeding<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[84]</a></span> -one is served. The bread-and-butter plates, -however, should be removed before the salad -course, as crackers and cheese are passed -with this, the salad plate being used to hold -all three things.</p> - -<p>The salted almonds should be started -about the table by the hostess soon after the -guests are seated. Some hostesses possess -cut-glass or china individual dishes, on -which the almonds are placed when the -guest helps himself, but it is quite usual for -them to be placed on the bread-and-butter -plate.</p> - -<p>Bonbons should be passed by the maid -when the coffee is served, and eaten from -the plate from which the finger-bowl and -doily have been removed.</p> - -<p>It is not important whether tumblers or -goblets are used on the dinner-table; each -season brings its own custom.</p> - -<p>The bread-and-butter plates at a formal -dinner serve the purpose only of bread -plates, as it is not customary to serve butter -on such occasions. If it is used, however, -butter should be made into tiny balls, -and one or two placed on each bread-and-butter -plate.</p> - -<p>It is customary to put the vegetables -served with the meat on the same plate. -The use of individual dishes for vegetables -is no longer approved.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[85]</a></span></p> - -<p>Oranges are seldom served at dinner unless -they are specially prepared, that is, -with the skin taken off, and the sections -divided, in which case the fruit is eaten -from a fork.</p> - -<p>Cheese and crackers of some sort are always -served with salad courses.</p> - -<p>At a formal dinner bouillon or consommé -is usually served in soup-plates. At a supper -or luncheon it is oftenest served in cups. -The regulation cups are those having handles -on each side.</p> - -<p>When oysters are served on the half-shell, -they are usually placed upon the table before -the meal is announced.</p> - -<p>It is not customary to serve fruit as a -first course at dinner, though at a lunch it -is quite proper.</p> - -<p>Grape-fruit must be served ice cold. It -is served in two ways: either it is cut in -halves, midway between the blossom and -the stem end, the seeds removed, the pulp -loosened with a sharp knife, but served -in the natural skin, to be eaten with a -spoon; or the pulp and seeds are entirely -removed from the skin with a sharp knife, -and the edible part only served in deep -dessert plates. Pulverized sugar should -accompany grape-fruit.</p> - -<p>In waiting upon plates, one should never<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[86]</a></span> -pour gravy on the food, but place it at one -side.</p> - -<p>The salad course at dinner always succeeds -the game course.</p> - -<p>After dinner coffee is served in small -cups and without cream. In many houses -rock-candy, crushed in very small pieces, is -used as a substitute for sugar, the claim -being made that it gives a purer sweetness.</p> - -<p>Cut sugar is served with coffee, and powdered -sugar with fruit or oatmeal.</p> - -<p>Coffee may be served at the table or in -the drawing-room as is best liked. People -are not asked if they will have it; it is -served to them. Only sugar is offered with -black coffee.</p> - - -<h3>HABITS AT TABLE.</h3> - -<p>Nothing indicates the good breeding of a -man so much as his manners at table. -There are a thousand little points to be observed, -which, although not absolutely -necessary, distinctly stamp the refined and -well-bred man. A man may pass muster by -dressing well, and may sustain himself tolerably -in conversation; but, if he is not -nearly perfect in table etiquette, dining will -betray him.</p> - -<p>Any unpleasant peculiarity, abruptness, -or coarseness of manner is especially offensive<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[87]</a></span> -at table. People are more easily disgusted -at that time than at any other.</p> - -<p>One should never rest the arms upon the -table, but keep the left hand, when not in -use, lying quietly in the lap.</p> - -<p>A man guest should never precede his -hostess into or out of the dining-room, but -should wait respectfully by the door for her -to pass.</p> - -<p>A soup-plate should never be tilted for -the last spoonful.</p> - -<p>The mouth should be kept closed in eating, -and as little noise made as possible.</p> - -<p>A goblet should be held by the stem, and -not by the bowl.</p> - -<p>Bread should be broken and not cut before -buttering it to eat.</p> - -<p>A knife should never be used at table except -where one is unable to cut his food -with his fork; it should never be used in -conveying food to the mouth.</p> - -<p>A knife should be held by its handle, and -the finger not allowed to extend up on the -blade. In eating with a fork it should be -held in the right hand.</p> - -<p>The fork is generally used with the tines -curving upward.</p> - -<p>Olives are eaten from the fingers; pickles, -from a fork. It is usual to put either a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[88]</a></span> -small fork or a long-handled spoon with a -small bowl on the dish containing olives -or pickles, and one should use it in helping -one’s self.</p> - -<p>The tips of the fingers are put in the -finger-bowls and may then moisten the -lips. Both lips and finger tips are dried on -the napkin, which is not afterwards folded.</p> - -<p>Watermelons are eaten with a fork, and -cantaloupes with either a spoon or a fork.</p> - -<p>A baked potato should be eaten from the -plate after it has been pushed out of its -skin by the fork.</p> - -<p>Dried beef is eaten with a fork.</p> - -<p>Grape seeds may be removed from the -mouth with the fingers. The seeds of -watermelons should be taken from the fruit -with a fork before the fruit is put into the -mouth.</p> - -<p>Fish bones are taken from the mouth -with the fingers. Care, however, is usually -taken to leave as few bones as possible in -the fish, since the general use of the silver -knife with the silver fork has made it easy -to separate the bones from the meat.</p> - -<p>Bananas are broken with a fork, and a -piece is conveyed to the mouth on a fork.</p> - -<p>When a servant offers one a dish, he -should help himself without taking it from -her hand.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[89]</a></span></p> - -<p>When drinking from a cup, the spoon -should be left in the saucer, where it also -remains when the cup is empty.</p> - -<p>It is not proper to eat gravy with bits of -bread; instead, it should be regarded as a -sauce, and simply eaten on the meat of -which it forms a portion.</p> - -<p>It is decreed by custom that the small -bones of any bird may be taken in the fingers, -and the meat eaten from the bone. -But this must always be done daintily.</p> - -<p>What is known as “layer cake” is eaten -from a fork, and in serving it one uses -either a pie-knife or a tablespoon and a -fork.</p> - -<p>Cheese is eaten with a fork.</p> - -<p>After-dinner coffee is taken directly from -the cup, and not from the spoon.</p> - -<p>Crackers should be eaten from the hand, -and not be broken into soup.</p> - -<p>When bread is passed, one takes a slice -as it is cut, and does not break it and leave -a portion on the plate. Bread is always -eaten from the fingers.</p> - -<p>Raw oysters are eaten with a small -oyster-fork from the shell. In helping -one’s self to salt, the little salt-spoon is -used, and the salt is placed on the plate.</p> - -<p>When strawberries are served with their -stems on, one picks one up by the stem,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[90]</a></span> -dips it into the soft sugar at the side of the -plate, and eats it from the stem. Bonbons -are eaten from the fingers. If a spoon is in -the dish from which they are served, then -one uses it; if not, the fingers are proper.</p> - -<p>An apple or a pear may be held on a fork, -and pared with a knife; or it may be quartered, -and each quarter held in the fingers, -and then pared. Dates are eaten from the -fingers.</p> - -<p>When one answers “thank you” to an -invitation to partake of a certain dish at the -table, “yes” is meant.</p> - -<p>One should break a small piece of bread -off the slice, then butter it and eat it. Only -very small children in the nursery bite from -a slice of buttered bread.</p> - -<p>One need not fear to take the last piece -on the plate when it is offered. It would -be more impolite to refuse it.</p> - -<p>It is very bad form to pile up, or in any -way arrange the plates or small dishes put -before one, for the benefit of the waiter. -She should do her own work, which is to -take away the plates without any help.</p> - -<p>When one wishes for bread, or anything -of that sort, he should simply ask for it, -either addressing his request to the servant -or, if there is none, to whomever the bread -may be nearest, if it is on the table.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[91]</a></span></p> - -<p>Upon leaving the table, and the signal -for leaving is given when the hostess rises, -one’s napkin should be placed upon the -table unfolded, unless one is to remain for -another meal.</p> - -<p>At a formal dinner party the host should -enter the dining-room first and with the -lady in whose honor the dinner is given; -the hostess goes into the dining-room last -with the most important man guest, who -should be seated at her right.</p> - -<p>Where menus are used they should be -placed on the left-hand side, beside the -forks. When the dinner is over, at a signal -from the hostess, the women rise and retire -to the drawing-room, where coffee is -usually served, the men remaining in the -dining-room for coffee and cigars.</p> - -<p>Five o’clock tea may be served in a variety -of ways: the hostess may brew it herself -in a teapot upon her tea-table in the -parlor; she may make it by pouring boiling -water over a tea-ball; or it may be served -by either a man or maid servant in the dining-room. -Its proper accompaniments are -sugar, cream, sliced lemon, and either wafers, -thin sandwiches, or cake.</p> - -<p>It is in better form to have a luncheon -served at a large table, especially when the -guests do not number more than twenty, -than to have small tables. Two o’clock is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[92]</a></span> -the fashionable hour for a luncheon; after -it is over the guests usually disperse.</p> - -<p>A host, in entertaining at a hotel or a restaurant, -even if he entertains only one -woman, should give the order for the meal -himself, and save her the slight embarrassment -it may be for her to make her own -selection. The most courteous thing is for -him to order the meal beforehand, but if -the occasion is very informal and he prefers -to wait until they are at the table, he -should, after he and his guest are seated, -hand the menu to her and ask if she has -any especial preference, and then, respecting -her wishes, give the order himself to -the waiter.</p> - -<p>If, however, friends happen in, and are -asked informally to stay to a meal at a -hotel, they may order themselves what they -want from the menu, and, if necessary, the -host or hostess of the occasion may pay the -bill before leaving the dining-room, but the -bill should not be paid until the guests have -departed.</p> - -<p>In giving one’s order for dinner at the -hotel, oysters come first, then soup, fish, a -roast or a bird, ices, whatever dessert -may be desired, and coffee. Very often a -woman is well served, when she is alone, by -allowing the waiter to arrange a dinner for -her.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span></p> - -<p>If the only guest at the family dinner-table -is a man, he should not be served -until all the ladies of the family have been -attended to.</p> - -<p>If the hostess is the only woman at the -table, she is served first, as a lady is of -most importance from a social standpoint, -and it is always proper to attend to her -wants first. After her the man who is a -visitor, or whose age gives him precedence, -receives attention.</p> - -<p>The guest of honor at a tea arrives a little -earlier than the other guests, and remains -somewhat later, but at a luncheon or dinner -she should appear at the regulation time. -One should remove one’s gloves at a luncheon, -but the retaining of the hat is entirely -a matter of personal taste.</p> - -<p>The inconsiderate guest who arrives late -for luncheon or dinner is shown immediately -into the dining-room, and the hostess -does not leave her guests, but simply rises -and motions him to a seat when he enters -the room.</p> - -<p>Ten minutes is the time usually allowed -for each course where more than a six-course -dinner is served.</p> - -<p>The correct and usual way of seating a -bridal party at a wedding entertainment is -for the groom to sit at one end of the table, -and the bride at the other end, the best<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[94]</a></span> -man on the bride’s right, and the maid of -honor or first bridemaid on the groom’s -right. The other bridemaids and ushers are -placed wherever seems best. As a usual -thing, the parents of the bride and groom -do not sit at the same table with the immediate -bridal party, but at another table, together -with the near relatives on both sides, -and perhaps the minister who officiated at -the wedding and his wife; but if it seems -desirable to have the parents at the bridal -table, it is perfectly proper to seat them -there.</p> - -<p>There are certain distinctive features of a -bridal table which must be in evidence. -One is the wedding or bride’s cake, and this -cake should be the central ornament, and -should be surrounded with a wreath of -roses. The place-cards should have the initials -of the bride and groom woven together -for decoration, and the souvenirs may be -small satin boxes containing wedding cake.</p> - - -<h3>SERVANTS AND SERVING.</h3> - -<p>There is so much to say upon the subject -of servants, notwithstanding so much has already -been said, it is difficult to know where -to begin. But, in the first place, every -woman should remember that servants are, -like herself, human, and that in our free -America, they are becoming very independent, -not to say self-assertive. Thus a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[95]</a></span> -house mistress has no small matter to deal -with when she demands obedience and respectful -attention from girls who are generally -ignorant, and often impudent and ill-bred. -The greatest strength of the mistress -lies in her power to control herself, and -while she must demand respectfulness from -her servants, she can often avoid a clash -with them by using a little tact. If they -are treated in a kind, though dignified, manner, -unless very degenerate, they will usually -respond satisfactorily.</p> - -<p>One can speak, with perfect propriety, of -the one servant employed as “the maid,” -but not as “our girl.”</p> - -<p>Servants should be expected to dress neatly, -and where there is but one, she should -have a clean white apron ready to put on -when answering the door-bell, being prepared -with a tray to receive the caller’s card. -She should also know, before answering the -bell, who is in and who is not at home, and -what excuse, if any, to make for each one -called for.</p> - -<p>Servants should never be allowed to call -any member of the family from a distance, -as from the foot of the stairs, but should go -to the one to whom she wishes to speak, -and deliver her message.</p> - -<p>It is hard to say, under all circumstances, -what to expect of a nursery governess, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[96]</a></span> -what should be her privileges. To treat -her with the greatest consideration is well -worth while; for one is compensated in being -able to get an intelligent, ladylike woman -who may be trusted to guide her charges -wisely. One may ask a governess to sleep -in the same room with the children, dress -and undress them, eat with them, and teach -them, and take the entire charge of them; -but, of course, one will provide some attractive -place for her to sit during the evening, -while the children are asleep in her room. -It is also necessary to see that her meals are -well cooked and carefully served, and to -permit her to be free one afternoon and evening -every week. She should be addressed -as “Miss Smith,” not by her first name.</p> - -<p>It is expedient to supervise the work of -the general house-work servant as much as -possible; and if it is more convenient for -her to go up the front stairs to announce -callers, and to go down them to answer the -front door, certainly allow her to use the -front stairs instead of the back ones on occasions. -A waitress or parlor-maid is no -more privileged to use the front stairs than -a general house-work servant. A nurse -may be, with propriety, wherever her charges -are allowed.</p> - -<p>If a maid is expected to wear a cap, it is -usually furnished by the lady of the house.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[97]</a></span></p> - -<p>It is good form to address the servants one -knows when entering a house, and to thank -them for any attention.</p> - -<p>It is unfortunate that the English system -of feeing has come into vogue here. But it -is quite customary now, for a guest, after a -visit, even a short one, to bestow upon a -servant a small fee, say, of a dollar.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 56px;"> -<img src="images/i-080.jpg" width="56" height="56" alt="decoration" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> -<div class="chapter"></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[98]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2>CHAPTER VII.<br /> - -<small><span class="smcap">Funerals, Mourning.</span></small></h2> - -<div class="blockquot2"> - -<p>Civility implies self-sacrifice; it is the last -touch, the crowning perfection of a noble -character.—<i>Mathews.</i></p></div> - - -<h3>FUNERALS.</h3> - -<p>At no place is a lack of system, and an -observance of formality, more noticeable than -at a funeral. An undertaker generally has -charge of the details, and where he is well -informed and has sufficient assistance, he -can manage affairs nicely, but there is a -great deal of unostentatious service that -may be done by friends, indeed, must be. -They can assist the servants in arranging -the house, flowers, etc., before the funeral; -meet any who may call at the door; -and in every way stand between the afflicted -family and the outside world. Of course -none but intimate friends can be of service -at such a time. All others, no matter how -willing, can but call at the door with offers -of service, and even that should not be carried -far enough to appear intrusive.</p> - -<p>At a house funeral the family remains upstairs, -or in a side room, and is not seen. -The remains are in the drawing-room, where -they are usually viewed by those present<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span> -when passing out. The clergyman stands -near the head of the casket, if in so doing -his voice can be well heard. If there is singing, -it is usually done by a quartet or by a -smaller number of persons, who are seated at -the head of the stairs out of sight and unaccompanied -by any musical instrument. -Those who are not going to the cemetery -quietly disperse at the close of the service. -Carriages are in waiting for the family, and -the cortege moves as soon after the close of -the service as possible.</p> - -<p>In the meantime the nurse (if one still -remains at the house), or some friend, with -the assistance of the servants, makes everything -look as natural and pleasant as possible -before the return of the family. If visitors -come in later, of course it depends upon -circumstances whether or not they should -be admitted.</p> - -<p>Church funerals are more formal. The -congregation assembles, and when the -carriages containing the family arrive, the -organ plays softly, and the procession enters, -the relatives walking close to the casket, -and sitting as near it as possible. After -the services the procession moves out in the -same order, and the people in the pews wait -until is has passed on.</p> - -<p>The crêpe that is hung at the door-bell -has often combined with it ribbon streamers,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[100]</a></span> -those for the aged being black, for a -younger person purple, and for a child -white with white crêpe also. Flowers -should be sent to the bereaved, in due time -after the death, in token of sympathy.</p> - - -<h3>MOURNING.</h3> - -<p>The putting on of mourning is a question -that should be decided entirely by those -most deeply concerned. Many families -never follow the custom, and even wear -white instead of black on the day of the -funeral, while others seem to consider the -wearing of crêpe as a mark of respect shown -to the dead. To assume the expense such -a change in clothing would entail, may -sometimes be placing a burden upon the -living for the sake of the dead, which certainly -neither custom nor reason should demand. -Then, to many, the wearing of -crêpe is so depressing that it is a sin against -one’s self to put it on. None but narrow-minded, -uncultivated persons would ever -think of criticising one for not doing so. -Of course one would naturally feel like dressing -in as subdued colors as possible, if -not in assuming half mourning (black and -white, lavendar, drab, etc.) if not deep -black or crêpe.</p> - -<p>When mourning is worn by a wife for a -husband, it is worn from one to two years, -at least.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[101]</a></span></p> - -<p>The question of wearing mourning for -one’s betrothed must be decided by one’s -self, for it is purely a personal question that -the laws of etiquette do not govern.</p> - -<p>When crêpe is laid aside, black-bordered -paper and black-bordered cards are no longer -proper. While wearing all black on the -street, after crêpe is laid aside, one may -wear, with propriety, all white in the house.</p> - -<p>While in deep mourning one does not go -into society. All that mourning etiquette -demands is that one acknowledge her calls -with her visiting cards, which should be -sent in return for a call within two weeks -after it is made, and should go by hand -rather than by mail.</p> - -<p>One sends invitations to one’s friends who -are in mourning, to show that they are not -forgotten.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> -<div class="chapter"></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[102]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2>CHAPTER VIII.<br /> - -<small><span class="smcap">Politeness of Young Children.</span></small></h2> - -<div class="blockquot2"> - -<p>Give a boy address and accomplishments, -and you give him the mastery of palaces and -fortunes wherever he goes.—<i>Ralph Waldo -Emerson.</i></p></div> - - -<p>A mother once asked a clergyman when -she should begin to educate her child, then -three years old. “Madam,” was his reply, -“you have lost three years already.”</p> - -<p>As soon as the child can talk, its lessons -in politeness should begin. Among a child’s -first words should be “please” and “thank -you.”</p> - -<p>A child should never be allowed to leave -the table, after it is old enough to understand -and to say it, without asking to be -excused.</p> - -<p>A child should be taught to pass behind -and not before one.</p> - -<p>Little boys should never be allowed to -keep their hats on in the house.</p> - -<p>Children, when very young, should be -taught to be generous and polite to their -little visitors, and, if necessary, to give up -all of anything where half will not do.</p> - -<p>Children should be taught to “take turns” -in playing games, and that no one should -monopolize the pleasantest part of a game.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[103]</a></span></p> - -<p>Children soon feel a pride in being little -ladies and gentlemen, rather than in being -rude and impolite.</p> - -<p>If mothers would impress upon their children’s -minds how stupid they appear when -they stand staring at one without answering -when addressed with “good morning” or a -like salutation, they would be anxious to -know what to say, and to say it.</p> - -<p>Children do not always know what to answer -when addressed. They ought to be -taught, so that they may feel no embarrassment.</p> - -<p>When children inconvenience others, they -ought to be taught to say “excuse me” or -“beg pardon.”</p> - -<p>In the cars, or in any public place, a boy -or a girl should always rise, and give his or -her place to an older person.</p> - -<p>A child should always learn that it is both -naughty and rude to contradict, and to say -“what for” and “why,” when told to do -anything.</p> - -<p>A mother who is as careful of her child’s -moral nature and manners as of his physical -nature, will guard him from naughty -and rude playmates as closely as she would -from measles or whooping-cough.</p> - -<p>A mother should never allow any disrespect -in her children’s manners toward herself,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span> -nor toward any one older than they -are. They should be taught especially to -reverence the aged.</p> - -<p>Habits of politeness and kindness to the -poor are of great worth, and easily formed -in childhood.</p> - -<p>Virtue is born of good habits, and the -formation of habits may be said to constitute -almost the whole work of education.</p> - -<p>Habits have been compared to handcuffs, -easily put on and difficult to rid one’s -self of.</p> - -<p>Those parents who regulate their lives in -accordance with the commands of the Bible, -find many verses which are of great assistance -in teaching politeness to young children, -such as, “Be ye courteous one to another,” -“Be respectful to your elder,” “Do -to others as ye would that they should do to -you,” etc.</p> - -<p>A child should be thoroughly trained -with regard to table manners. The well-bred -child will not chew his food with his -mouth half open, talk with it in his mouth, nor -make any unnecessary noises in eating; and -he will handle his knife and fork properly.</p> - -<p>Children should be taught that it is very -rude to look into drawers or boxes, or, in -fact, to meddle with or handle anything -away from home that is not intended for -them to play with.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[105]</a></span></p> - -<p>Children should be made to understand -that they must not ask too many questions -promiscuously, such as, “Where are you -going?” “What have you there?” etc.</p> - -<p>A child should be taught never to tease -a playmate’s mother, or to have its own -mother teased by a playmate. Teasing -should not be allowed.</p> - -<p>Children should never be allowed to say -“I won’t” and “I will,” even to each -other.</p> - -<p>Children should never be allowed to speak -of an elder person by the last name without -the proper prefix. They should also be -taught, in addressing boys and girls, say, -sixteen years of age, to use the prefix, as -“Miss” or “Mr.,” before the given name; -thus “Miss Alice” or “Mr. George.” In -fact, all people should observe this rule in -addressing the young, except in case the -older person is very familiar with the -younger, or in case the latter is too young -to be so addressed.</p> - -<p>Children are now taught to say, “Yes, -mamma,” “What, mamma?” “Thank you, -mamma,” “Yes, Mrs. Allen,” “What, -Mrs. Allen?” etc., in preference to “Yes, -ma’am,” “No, ma’am,” etc.</p> - -<p>Children should be taught that it is rude -to yawn without trying to suppress it, or<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[106]</a></span> -without concealing the mouth with the hand; -to whistle or hum in the presence of older -persons; or to make any monotonous noise -with feet or hands, beating time, etc.; to -play with napkin rings, or any article at -table during meal time; to pick the teeth -with the fingers; to trim or clean one’s nails -outside one’s room; to lounge anywhere in -the presence of company; to place the elbows -on the table, or to lean upon it while -eating; to speak of absent persons by their -first names, when they would not so address -them if they were present; to acquire the -habit of saying “you know,” “says he,” -“says she;” to use slang words; to tattle; to -hide the mouth with the hand when speaking; -to point at anyone or anything with -the finger; to stare at persons; to laugh at -one’s own stories or remarks; to toss -articles instead of handing them; to -leave the table with food in the mouth; to -take possession of a seat that belongs to -another without instantly rising upon his -return; to leave anyone without saying -“good-by;” to interrupt any one in conversation; -to push; to ridicule others; to pass, -without speaking, any one whom they know; -etc.</p> - -<p>Some young people are not as particular -as they should be about certain articles of -the toilet, such as combs, brushes, etc. One -should always have such things for his own<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[107]</a></span> -individual use. It is exceedingly impolite -to use any toilet article belonging to another.</p> - -<p>It is ill-mannered to ask questions about -affairs that do not concern one, or to pry -into the private affairs of one’s friends. To -inquire the cost of articles indiscriminately, -is impudent.</p> - -<p>If parents are not at home when visitors -come in, or are too busy to see them at once, -a child, in the absence of a maid, should -politely show them in, offer them a comfortable -chair, show them anything he -thinks they will be interested in, and make -every effort to entertain them agreeably -until such time as his parents can take his -place. He should then politely withdraw -from the room.</p> - -<p>Children and young people should early -learn not to monopolize the best light or -the most desirable seat in the room, but to -look about when anyone enters, whether a -guest or an older member of their own family, -and see if by giving up their own place -the new-comer may be made more comfortable.</p> - -<p>A boy ought to show to his mother and -sisters every attention he would show to any -other woman. Should they chance to meet -on the street he should politely raise his -hat. He should allow them to pass first -through a door, give them the inside of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[108]</a></span> -walk, help them into a carriage, and everywhere -and under all circumstances treat -them with politeness and deference. Girls -should of course treat their brothers in the -same polite manner; for they can hardly -expect to receive attentions where they are -unwilling to bestow them.</p> - -<p>Children, especially little boys, should be -taught not to precede their mothers, or any -woman, into theaters, street cars, churches, -elevators, or into the house or even a room.</p> - - -<h3>SCHOOL-ROOM ETIQUETTE.</h3> - -<div class="blockquot2"> -<p>“Good manners are the shadows of virtues, if not virtues -themselves.”</p></div> - -<p>If teachers realized the inestimable -amount of good they might accomplish by -giving a little time and thought to the -manners of their pupils, surely they would -willingly give it. Those of their pupils -who have no proper training at home would -thus gain a knowledge which, in after life, -would prove a blessing. And such a course -acted upon by the teacher would be of -great assistance to the parents of those who -are well trained at home; for a large portion -of a child’s time is spent in school, and -under conditions that require such training.</p> - -<p>Teachers must treat their scholars politely -if they expect polite treatment from -them.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[109]</a></span></p> - -<p>Every teacher should see that no pupil is -allowed to treat those of a lower station in -life with disrespect.</p> - -<p>It is a common occurrence for a teacher -to speak with seeming disrespect of a -pupil’s parents, blaming them for the -pupil’s lack of interest in school, truancy, -etc. Such a course is highly reprehensible -in the teacher, and gains the pupil’s ill-will. -It is better to assume that the parents -would be displeased with anything wrong -in the pupil, and to appeal to the pupil for -his mother’s or father’s sake.</p> - -<p>A teacher should never allow herself or -himself to be addressed by pupils as “Teacher,” -but as Miss or Mr. Smith.</p> - -<p>If pupils would take pains to bid a teacher -“good-morning” and “good-night,” they -would appear well in so doing, and easily -give pleasure to another.</p> - -<p>The entire atmosphere of a school-room is -dependent upon trifles. Where a teacher, by -her own actions and in accordance with her -requirements, insures kindness and politeness -from all to all, she may feel almost sure -of the success of her school.</p> - -<p>Young misses ought to be addressed by -the teacher as “Miss Julia,” “Miss Annie.” -Young boys (too young to be addressed as -Mr.) should be addressed as “Master -Brown,” “Master Jones,” etc.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[110]</a></span></p> - -<p>Teachers should use great discretion in -reproving any unintentional rudeness, especially -on the part of those ignorant from -lack of home training. If such were reproved -gently and privately, it would be -more efficacious and just. No one should -be allowed to appear to disadvantage from -ignorance.</p> - -<p>Selfishness, untruthfulness, slang, rowdyism, -egotism, or any show of superiority -should be corrected in the school-room.</p> - -<p>Young teachers hardly realize with what -fear and dread mothers intrust to them their -carefully reared children, especially young -ones.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 59px;"> -<img src="images/i-067.jpg" width="59" height="55" alt="decoration" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> -<div class="chapter"></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[111]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2>CHAPTER X.<br /> - -<small><span class="smcap">Official Etiquette.</span></small></h2> - -<div class="blockquot2"> - -<p>“Good fashion rests on realty, and hates -nothing so much as pretenders.”—<i>Emerson.</i></p></div> - - -<p>All presentations to foreign courts are -made through the national representatives, -and from them is received all the information -desired in reference to the necessary -forms and ceremonies.</p> - -<p>Kings and queens are addressed as “Your -Majesty.” The Prince of Wales, the crown -princes, and all other princes and princesses -are addressed as “Your Royal Highness.”</p> - -<p>The President’s “levees” at Washington -are open to all, and are conducted very much -as an ordinary “reception.” As one enters, -an official announces him, and he proceeds -directly to the president and his lady, and -pays his respects.</p> - -<p>The door of the White House may be -said never to be closed, and any one who -desires may call upon its occupants as upon -those of any other dwelling. He may not, -however, obtain a personal interview. This, -to be secured, he must seek in the company -of an official or intimate friend of the president, -who will be able to judge of the claims -for attention of a visitor.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[112]</a></span></p> - -<p>No particular style of dress is required to -make one’s appearance at the Republican -Court.</p> - -<p>No refreshments are expected to be offered -at a presidential reception.</p> - -<p>Custom does not require that the wife of -the president of the United States should return -official calls. Exception is made in the -case of visiting Royalty. The wives of the -foreign ambassadors should make the first -call upon the wife of the vice-president, as -should the wives of the cabinet officials. At -a function given by officials of foreign governments -at Washington, the wife of the -secretary of state takes precedence over the -wives of the foreign ambassadors.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 138px;"> -<img src="images/i-114.jpg" width="138" height="137" alt="decoration" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> -<div class="chapter"></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[113]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2>CHAPTER XI.<br /> - -<small><span class="smcap">Business Correspondence, Applications,<br /> -Etc.</span></small></h2> - -<div class="blockquot2"> - -<p>Since custom is the principal magistrate -of human life, let men by all means endeavor -to obtain good customs.—<i>Lord Bacon.</i></p></div> - - -<h3>CORRESPONDENCE.</h3> - -<h4>BUSINESS CORRESPONDENCE.</h4> - -<p>Closely written postal cards and long -letters meet with little favor among business -men; therefore it is important to make business -correspondence as plain and brief as -possible.</p> - -<p>Names of places and persons should be -written very plainly.</p> - -<p>When a letter is written in reply to another, -the date of the letter to which the -reply is made should be given, and it is an -excellent plan, and one that saves much -time, to give in a letter the substance of -the one to which it is a reply. This is -especially desirable when accepting a special -offer made in such letter, thus:</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -Mr. <span class="smcap">A. Flanagan</span>,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 4em;">Chicago, Illinois.</span><br /> - -<i>Dear Sir:</i> - -<p>Your favor of Feb. 15, in which you offer us -a discount of 33-1/3 per cent. on your books, when -purchased in lots of 100 or more, came duly. We<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[114]</a></span> -herewith enclose our check for three hundred dollars -($300.), for which please ship us, by freight -the following:</p> - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="order"> -<tr><td align="left">100</td><td align="left"> copies of </td><td align="left">“Words; Their Use and Abuse.”</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left">100</td><td align="center">“</td><td align="left">“Getting on in the World.”</td></tr> -<tr><td align="left">100</td><td align="center">“</td><td align="left">“Hours with Men and Books.”</td></tr> -</table></div> - - -<p class="sig"> -<span style="margin-right: 5em;">Respectfully,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Geo. W. Jones & Co.</span><br /> -</p> - -Boulder, Colo., April 3, 1899.</div> -<p> <br /></p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<div class="right">Griggsville, Ill.</div> -<span class="smcap">Messrs. Harper & Brothers</span>,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 12em;">New York.</span><br /> - -<i>Gentlemen:</i> - -<p>Enclosed is a post-office order for $3, for -which please send me Harper’s New Monthly -Magazine for one year, beginning with the May -number.</p> - -<p class="sig"> -<span style="margin-right: 8em;">Respectfully,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">(Miss) Sara Brown</span>.<br /> -</p></div> - -<p>When writing a business letter, a married -woman should sign her name as she would -sign it when writing any other letter; that -is, by placing her first name and surname in -the usual position of the signature, and adding, -a little to the left-hand, her name in -full, with the address, thus:</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> -<div class="right"> -St. Paul, Minn., Nov. 9th, 1899. -</div> - -<span class="smcap">Messrs. Harper & Brothers</span>,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 8em;">New York.</span><br /> - -<i>Gentlemen:</i> - -<p>Please send me one copy of “How Women -Should Ride,” for which you will find enclosed one -dollar and twenty-five cents ($1.25).</p> - -<div class="sig"> -<span style="margin-right: 6em;">Respectfully,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Emma C. Bowen</span>.<br /> -</div> -<span class="smcap">Mrs. Charles E. Bowen</span>,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 8em;">324 Dupont Avenue.</span><br /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[115]</a></span>When writing to a person or firm for information -solely for one’s own benefit, a -postal card or a stamped envelope should -be enclosed for a reply.</p> - -<p>It is a too common custom among people -unacquainted with the rules of business, -when sending an order to one firm, to enclose -money to be paid another, or with -which to make small purchases in some other -line, to be sent in the package ordered from -the firm with which the correspondence is -held. The proper way to do when one -wishes to order goods from different houses -in the same city, and yet have all the goods -shipped in the same package, is to write an -order to each firm requesting the goods -to be delivered to the firm with which one -does the most business, having, of course, -notified such firm of his action.</p> - -<p>It has become so common among people -to request everything “by return mail” that -business men look upon such requests as a -mere form, rather than as an evidence of -urgency. If such urgency exists, it is well -to state the cause of it in a few words, and -request immediate attention to the order, -thus:</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> -<div class="right"> -Harvard, Ill., Nov. 2, 1899.<br /> -</div> - -<span class="smcap">Messrs. A. C. McClurg & Co.</span>,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 8em;">Chicago.</span><br /> - -<i>Gentlemen:</i> - -<p>I enclose herewith $2, for which please send -me a copy of Longfellow’s poetical works. You<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[116]</a></span> -will oblige me by sending the book by return mail, -as I wish to use it on the evening of the 4th inst.</p> - -<p class="sig"> -<span style="margin-right: 6em;">Respectfully,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">James Wells</span>.<br /> -</p></div> - -<p>Whoever writes a caustic letter makes a -mistake; for it will do no good, even if there -seems to be a cause for it, and if the assumed -cause proves to be simply a mistake the -writer will be humiliated.</p> - - -<h4>LETTERS OF APPLICATION.</h4> - -<p>It is sometimes difficult to write a letter -of application, because one must speak of -himself and of his ability to fill the position -sought, and to do so without seeming -egotistic. If the applicant has had experience -in work similar to that for which he -applies, a simple statement of the fact, the -length of time engaged in such work, the -reason for quitting his last position, and the -name and address of his former employer, -should form the substance of his letter. If -he has had no experience, he should state -what advantages he has had to qualify himself -for the work, and not boast that he -could soon and easily learn to do it.</p> - -<p>The following will exemplify the points:</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> -<div class="right"> -<span style="margin-right: 2em;">124 La Salle St.,</span><br /> -Chicago, Sept. 24, 1899.<br /> -</div> - -<span class="smcap">Messrs. A. G. Baker & Co.</span>,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 8em;">Kirkwood, Ohio.</span><br /> - - -<i>Gentlemen:</i> - -<p>I am informed by a friend, Mr. C. A. -Brooks, of your village, that you are in want of a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[117]</a></span> -book-keeper, and I desire to make application for -the position. I am a young man, but have had -several years experience in keeping books. I am -now in charge of the books of Messrs. Jones & -Williams, of this city, to whom I can refer you for -information as to my ability and character. I desire -to go to the country, and should be glad to -work for you, if you can pay me $70 per month, -which is my present salary.</p> - -<p class="sig"> -<span style="margin-right: 4em;">Very respectfully,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">T. R. Miller</span>.<br /> -</p></div> - -<p> <br /></p> -<div class="blockquot"> -<div class="right"> -Salem, Wis., May 15, 1899.</div> - -<span class="smcap">Messrs. Clark & Williams</span>,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 6em;">107 State Street, Chicago.</span><br /> - -<i>Gentlemen:</i><br /> - -<p>I am informed that your shipping clerk is -soon to leave, and that the position now held by -him will be vacant. I desire to apply for the -same, but I am sorry to state that I have not had -any experience in this particular line of work; -however, I have been a general clerk in a village -store, and am familiar with simple book-keeping, -which would probably enable me to learn the -work of a shipping clerk in a reasonable length of -time.</p> - -<p>In case you should wish to engage me on -trial, I would gladly assist, without compensation, -your present clerk until the end of his engagement, -which, I understand, is about three weeks -from date.</p> - -<p>My present employer is Mr. G. W. Webster, -of this place, and he will doubtless answer any inquiries -concerning my work that you may address -him.</p> - -<p class="sig"> -<span style="margin-right: 4em;">Respectfully,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Geo. E. Johnson</span>.<br /> -</p></div> - -<p>Such letters should always contain a -stamp for a reply. The stamp is attached<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[118]</a></span> -by its corner or by a pin to the head of the -letter.</p> - -<p>Great precaution should always be taken -not to send a letter with insufficient postage -on it; for the additional postage is collected -from the person to whom the letter is sent, -and many business men look upon such -neglect as inexcusable, if they do not consider -it dishonest, inasmuch as it compels -others to pay what the writer should have -known it was his duty to pay.</p> - -<p>An application for a position as teacher in -a public school is often very difficult to -write, because it is necessary to say much, -and to say it, in some cases, to men who -are not thoroughly familiar with business -principles.</p> - -<p>Before giving any forms, some suggestions -which experience has taught may be -of great importance. The handwriting -should be natural. If one has a degree, he -should not sign his name with it, but state -in his letter that he is a graduate, naming -the institution from which he was graduated. -All boasting should be avoided. -One should not ask a reply by return mail, -but he might enclose a postal card or a -stamp with a request to be informed when -the board meets to consider applications. -One ought not to name as references persons -who know nothing about his work; for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[119]</a></span> -although they may, if consulted, endeavor -to praise him, they will show their ignorance -of what he has done, and the board -will naturally assume that he has no better -references.</p> - -<p>As a rule it is not advisable to give testimonials -from ministers or from county -superintendents, unless the writers can say -that they are familiar with the teacher’s -work, and have visited his school. Very -old testimonials should not be placed before -a board. Indeed, it is doubtful whether -any testimonial, unless it comes from a -competent judge, is of value.</p> - -<p>If boards would consult one’s references, -or seek information from outside sources, it -would be only just to all concerned; but as -they will not often do this, it is wise to -send copies of two or three, generally not -more, good testimonials, and to have one -or two of the applicant’s friends write the -board in his behalf.</p> - -<p>A letter of application, especially if for -the position of superintendent or that of -principal, should be full and explicit, specifying -the opportunities the writer has had -to prepare himself for the position, rather -than stating that he has done so-and-so, for -in the latter case it might seem like boasting.</p> - -<p>Sometimes a short letter, unless circumstances<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[120]</a></span> -demand a long one, will be most favorably -received by a board. The writer -once knew a very important position to be -obtained by a correspondence about as follows -(names of places, dates, etc., are omitted):</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<span class="smcap">To the Honorable Board of Education.</span><br /> - -<i>Gentlemen:</i> - -<p>I learn through a friend in your county, that -the position of superintendent of your school is vacant. -If the position has not been filled, I desire -to make application for the same. I am a graduate -of ——————, and have taught three years. -I am now principal of the —————— schools, but -desire to teach in your State, as my home is there.</p> - -<div class="sig"> -<span style="margin-right: 4em;">Respectfully,</span><br /> -——————<br /> -</div></div> - -<p>A stamp was enclosed for a reply. The -secretary of the board at once wrote asking -for references and stating the salary paid. -The applicant replied that he did not wish -the position at the salary named, and -thanked the secretary for the trouble he had -been given.</p> - -<p>Had the applicant written a long letter, -setting forth the value of his services, and -urging the board to raise the salary, it is -not probable that a reply would have been -received by him. The simple statement -that he did not want the position at the salary -named, was evidence to the board that -he considered his services worth more, and, -moreover, that he had confidence that he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[121]</a></span> -would command more. The secretary replied -to the last short note, asking for references -and at what salary he would accept -the position. The information was -given, and in a few days the applicant was -requested to meet the board with the assurance -that the position would be given him -if the interview proved satisfactory, which -it did. Afterwards the applicant was informed -by the president of the board that -his short business-like letters, written in an -almost illegible but natural hand, obtained -for him the place over nearly one hundred -applicants, many of whom were college -graduates of long experience in teaching, -and who had basketfuls of testimonials, but -not one of whom had written even a fairly -good letter of application.</p> - -<p>Many cities and towns have stated public -examinations, which applicants must attend -before they can be employed.</p> - -<p>The impression of character and of qualification -produced by a personal interview -is deemed so important that even minor appointments -are scarcely given to any one -not personally known to one of the school -board, or to some one in whose professional -judgment they have great confidence.</p> - -<p>Preliminary inquiries about positions are -most profitably made through acquaintances, -who can advise one whether to take any -further steps. One might write as follows:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[122]</a></span></p> - -<div class="blockquot"> -<div class="right"> -Chicago, Ill., Nov. 3, 1899.<br /> -</div> - -<i>My Dear Friend:</i> - -<p>May I trouble you to ascertain whether there -is any vacancy in the schools at Elgin, to which I -would have any prospect of an appointment? You -will confer a great favor upon me if you will ask the -superintendent, and let me know soon what he -says. You can say to him that after I finished the -high school course at Racine, I taught a term in a -district school in Racine County, Wis., and was one -year in charge of a primary department at Woodstock, -and that I had charge of the grammar department -at the latter place last year.</p> - -<p>You know something of the work I have -done, and I can furnish testimonials from the school -officers where I have taught.</p> - -<div class="sig"> -<span style="margin-right: 4em;">Yours very truly,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Emma C. Bowen</span>.<br /> -</div></div> - -<p>If a favorable answer is received, something -like the following form may be used, -which is also a form suitable to make application -where one is already acquainted, and -where formal applications are expected.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> -<div class="right"> -Chicago, Ill., Jan. 10, 1899.<br /> -</div> -<span class="smcap">Mr. C. E. Ryan</span>,<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 4em;">Supt. of Public Schools,</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 12em;">Elgin, Ill.</span><br /> - - -<i>Dear Sir:</i> - -<p>I desire to obtain a position in the schools of -your city. I enclose a letter from Mr. Henry Jones, -a director of Woodstock, where I last taught; and I -refer you to Mrs. Mary Smith, of Elgin. I prefer -the intermediate work, but would not object to any -position that I may be able to fill.</p> - -<p>I completed the course in the Racine High -School, and have taught a little more than two years,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[123]</a></span> -first in a country school, then in a primary school -a year at Woodstock, where I afterward had charge -of the grammar room for a year.</p> - -<p>Please inform me when and by whom candidates -are examined, as well as what vacancies -there are, and be kind enough to make any suggestions -that you think will be helpful to me.</p> - -<div class="sig"> -<span style="margin-right: 4em;">Very respectfully,</span><br /> -(Miss) <span class="smcap">Emma C. Bowen</span>.<br /> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 56px;"> -<img src="images/i-080.jpg" width="56" height="56" alt="decoration" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> -<div class="chapter"></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[124]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2>CHAPTER XI.<br /> - -<small>GENERAL HINTS.</small></h2> - -<div class="blockquot2"> - -<p>We remain shackled by timidity till we have -learned to speak and act with propriety.—<i>Samuel -Johnson.</i></p></div> - - -<p>A man raises his hat when walking with -another, not only to his own acquaintances, -but to those persons who bow to his companion, -whether he is acquainted with them -or not.</p> - -<p>If a man meets a woman in a hotel corridor -or hall he should step aside, allowing -her to pass, and raising his hat.</p> - -<p>If in a public place a man hands a woman -anything she has dropped, he should raise -his hat when offering it to her. A well-bred -man raises his hat after passing the -fare of a woman in a car or coach. This -does not mean that he has any desire to -become acquainted with her, but it is his -tribute to her sex.</p> - -<p>Slight inaccuracies in statements should -not be corrected in the presence of others.</p> - -<p>One should give her children, unless -married, their Christian names only, or say -“my daughter” or “my son,” in speaking -of them to anyone excepting servants.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[125]</a></span></p> - -<p>Men remove their hats when in elevators -in the presence of women.</p> - -<p>Men having occasion to pass before women -seated in lecture and concert rooms, and all -other places, should “beg pardon,” and -pass with their faces, and not their backs, -toward them.</p> - -<p>In going up or down stairs, a man precedes -a woman or walks by her side.</p> - -<p>To indulge in ridicule of another, whether -the subject be present or absent, is to descend -below the level of gentlemanly propriety.</p> - -<p>A reverence for religious observances and -religious opinions is a distinguishing trait -of a refined mind.</p> - -<p>Religious topics should be avoided in conversation, -except where all are prepared to -concur in a respectful treatment of the subject. -In mixed societies the subject should -never be introduced.</p> - -<p>Frequent consultation of the watch or -time-piece is impolite, either when at home or -abroad. If at home, it appears as if one -were tired of the company and wished them -to be gone; if abroad, as if the hours dragged -heavily, and one were calculating how soon -he would be released.</p> - -<p>It is very unbecoming to exhibit petulance -or angry feeling, though it is indulged<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[126]</a></span> -in largely in almost every circle. The true -gentleman does not suffer his countenance -to be easily ruffled.</p> - -<p>The right of privacy is sacred, and should -always be respected. It is exceedingly improper -to enter a private room without -knocking. No relation, however intimate, -will justify an abrupt intrusion upon -a private apartment. Likewise the trunk, -boxes, packets, papers, or letters of any individual, -locked or unlocked, sealed or unsealed, -are sacred. It is ill-mannered even -to open a book-case, or to read a written -paper lying open, without permission, expressed -or implied.</p> - -<p>Members of the same family should never -differ with each other in public.</p> - -<p>One should never appear to be thinking -of his own personal rights to the resenting -of a little slight, whether real or imaginary.</p> - -<p>In small communities where near neighbors, -for convenience’s sake, borrow back and -forth, great care should be taken that the -practice does not become a nuisance, as it -surely does when it is indulged in too frequently, -and when borrowed articles are -not speedily returned and in good condition. -There should be no stinted measures -in returning.</p> - -<p>Ostentation is snobbish, as is all too great -profusion.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[127]</a></span></p> - -<p>To affect not to remember a person is -despicable, and reflects only on the pretender.</p> - -<p>Some conceited or ill-bred people imagine -they make themselves important and powerful -by being rude and insulting.</p> - -<p>One is judged, to a great extent, by the -character of his associates.</p> - -<p>One should be very careful how he asks -for the loan of a book. If interest is shown -in one, its owner will offer it for perusal if -willing to lend it. When reading a borrowed -book, one should take the best of -care of it, and return it as soon as possible. -No real lady or gentlemen will leave finger -prints upon its pages, or turn down its -leaves in place of a book-mark, or scribble -in it with a pencil, or loan it to a third person -without the knowledge and consent of -the owner.</p> - -<p>A lack of reverence in one in the house of -God, implies low parentage, or a coarse nature -that is not subject to refinement.</p> - -<p>To whisper and laugh during any public -entertainment proclaims one’s ill-breeding, -and invades the rights of others.</p> - -<p>One ought never to leave the house after -the evening’s entertainment without bidding -the hostess good-night, and acknowledging -the pleasure the evening has afforded him.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[128]</a></span></p> - -<p>The business man has no stock-in-trade -that pays him better than a good address.</p> - -<p>It is only those persons and families -whose position is not a secure one, that are -afraid to be seen outside their own social -circle.</p> - -<p>One should never reprove servants or -children before strangers.</p> - -<p>A true lady will not betray her astonishment -at any violation of conventional rules, -least of all will she make it her province to -punish those who may make any such violation.</p> - -<p>If one, on meeting another, fails to recall -the name, he should frankly say so.</p> - -<p>One should never recall himself to the -recollection of a casual acquaintance without -at the same time mentioning his name.</p> - -<p>In a flat-house a man should take his hat -and coat into the apartment where he is going -to call, and not leave them in the hall -on the first floor.</p> - -<p>It is very bad taste, even in quite a large -party, for young girls to visit a man at his -office.</p> - -<p>It is perfectly good form for a mother -to invite to a little child’s party children -whose parents she does not know, or who -have not yet called upon her. The invitations -go out in the child’s name and to the -child’s friends.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[129]</a></span></p> - -<p>It is extremely rude and ill-bred, when at -a boarding-house or hotel table, to criticise -the food that is served. The fact that it is -paid for makes it none the less an evidence -of bad manners. People who are not satisfied -where they are boarding should always -leave; they have no right to make others -uncomfortable by their lack of good-breeding.</p> - -<p>Women of good-breeding do not permit -themselves to “overlook” those to whom -courtesies are due.</p> - -<p>A man should learn to put his coat on in -a public place of entertainment so that he -will not require assistance from the woman -who is with him.</p> - -<p>The young woman to whom a seat is offered -should take it, unless her companion -is an older woman, when it would be quite -proper to extend the courtesy to her.</p> - -<p>It is very bad taste, even for a frolic, for -a young girl to assume boy’s clothes, or get -herself up in any way that will tend to make -herself look masculine.</p> - -<p>There is no impropriety in giving to those -men friends with whom one is well acquainted, -some trifling souvenir at Christmas or -Easter, or on birthdays.</p> - -<p>It is customary for a young man to send -a young woman only such gifts as flowers,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[130]</a></span> -candy, and books; and as these presents are -sent merely as a slight return for her hospitality -and invitations to her house, etc., it is -not necessary for her to send him any gift -in return. If, however, a young woman -and man are on intimate enough terms to -exchange presents, she may send him any -small article for the desk or toilet; such as -a silver-handled whisk broom, court-plaster -case, pen-wiper, paper-cutter, or books, -which are a good present and always acceptable -to any one.</p> - -<p>Nothing looks more ill-bred than to see a -young man, under his parents’ roof, devoting -himself during a whole evening entirely -to one young woman to the ignoring of the -others.</p> - -<p>A man who is escorting two women in -the street should not walk between them, -but on the outside of both near the curb; at -the theater or at any place of amusement or -at church, he should sit nearest to the aisle, -at the side of one of them.</p> - -<p>Unless there is some good reason why she -needs his support, a man seldom offers his -arm to a woman he escorts, even in the -evening. A husband may offer his arm to -his wife, of course, and a man may proffer -this help to an invalid or aged person.</p> - -<p>A little delicate perfume may be used with -propriety, but a heavy perfume, and one<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[131]</a></span> -that scents the entire room in which the -person who uses it happens to be, is in very -bad form.</p> - -<p>In opening a door from the hall to the -drawing-room, a man should hold it while -a woman precedes him in entering.</p> - -<p>When one’s pardon is asked for some -slight inattention, an inclination of the -head and a smile is the best answer.</p> - -<p>The words “gentleman friend” and -“lady friend” have been so vulgarized that -most well-bred women now say “man -friend” or “woman friend,” it being taken -for granted that they number among their -friends only ladies and gentlemen.</p> - -<p>Custom never condones liberties, no matter -how slight, between young men and -women.</p> - -<p>When a woman is visiting, any acquaintance -who should call upon her should also -ask for her hostess, and if she is absent -leave a card for her.</p> - -<p>It is considered very bad taste for a -young girl to address a man with whom -her acquaintance is but slight by his Christian -name.</p> - -<p>No young man has any right to spend -the entire afternoon and evening every -Sunday at one particular house, to the annoyance -of an entire family, who do not<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[132]</a></span> -like to make him conscious of the fact that -they consider him a bore.</p> - -<p>When a young man is paying a visit, -and the older members of the family are in -the room, he should, in leaving, bid them -good-night first, and afterward say his farewell -to the young girl on whom he has -called. It is in bad taste for her to go any -further than the parlor door with him.</p> - -<p>Even if a correspondence is of a “purely -friendly character,” it should not exist between -a married woman and a young man, -or between a married man and a young -woman.</p> - -<p>It is not good taste to ask one’s men -friends to buy tickets for charity affairs. -They do not like to refuse, and very often, -though the sum required may be small, -they cannot afford it.</p> - -<p>There is very great harm in young girls -meeting young men in secret; the men will -have no respect for the girls, and nothing -but mortification for the girls will be the -result.</p> - -<p>It is quite proper to thank any public -servant, such as a railroad conductor, for -any information he may give, but it is not -necessary to be effusive about it.</p> - -<p>It is not in good taste, nor even proper, -for young women to go alone to a hotel to -dine with a man.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[133]</a></span></p> - -<p>When a girl is young and pretty, a Platonic -friendship is very difficult to keep up.</p> - -<p>When a man friend has driven a woman -in town to go to church he should take her -direct to the church and leave her there -while he drives where his carriage and -horses are to wait until after the service. Of -course he would walk to church and join -her there.</p> - -<p>It is not in good taste for different members -of a party to go off in pairs, and spend -the evening alone on the seashore.</p> - -<p>It is not wise for a young woman and -young man living in the same city to correspond. -If meeting each other often they -ought to be able to say all that is necessary.</p> - -<p>One has no right whatever to read a postal -card addressed to another without permission.</p> - -<p>The very minute the married man begins -to tell of his wife’s faults, the time has come -to cut his acquaintance.</p> - -<p>It is more than wrong for a young girl to -receive visits from a married man.</p> - -<p>In entering any public place a woman -should precede a man, but going down the -aisle, the usher, of course, would precede -her.</p> - -<p>A hostess stands to receive her visitors, -but she does not advance to meet them unless<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[134]</a></span> -the visitor should be some one quite old or -of such importance that the visit is of great -honor. The hostess extends her hand to -the men who call, as well as to the women.</p> - -<p>A woman is not supposed to recognize a -man who is one of a group standing in a -public place, since a modest girl will not -look close enough at a group of men to -recognize an acquaintance.</p> - -<p>No matter how well a woman may know -a man, it would be in very bad form to send -him an invitation which does not include -his wife, unless it should be at some affair -at which only men are to be present.</p> - -<p>A man should show as much courtesy to -a woman in his employ as he does to the -women he meets in social life.</p> - -<p>It is not in good taste to visit at the home -of one’s betrothed, unless a personal invitation -is received from his mother.</p> - -<p>Two women may attend, with perfect -propriety, a place of amusement without an -escort. They should be, however, under -such circumstances, exceptionally quiet in -their manners and their dress.</p> - -<p>In escorting a young woman home, a man -should go up the steps with her, wait until -the door is opened, and, as she enters the -house, raise his hat and say good-night.</p> - -<p>If a young girl were very ill, there would<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[135]</a></span> -be no impropriety in her mother bringing her -betrothed to see her, although, of course, -she would remain in the room during his -visit.</p> - -<p>It is always proper and courteous for a person -in church to share either prayer-book -or hymnal with anyone who may be without -either.</p> - -<p>There is no impropriety in a woman’s -permitting a man friend to assist her in -putting on her over-shoes.</p> - -<p>If one approves of the acting or the sentiment -of the play, there is no impropriety in -expressing gentle applause, but a loud -clapping of the hands is decidedly vulgar.</p> - -<p>One should never prevent people from -leaving his house when they desire. That -is not hospitality. It is tyranny; it is taking -a mean advantage of their unwillingness -to offend.</p> - -<p>If a women lives in a boarding house and -has only one room, it would be very bad taste -to receive any man visitor there. Even if -it is not quite so agreeable, they should be -received in the public parlor.</p> - -<p>When a man and woman approach a -hostess together, the hostess should shake -hands with the woman first.</p> - -<p>When a man calls on a woman, he shakes -hands with her on his arrival; but, unless<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[136]</a></span> -he is very intimate in the house, a simple -bow is sufficient when he leaves.</p> - -<p>An unmarried woman writing her name -in a hotel register should prefix it with -“Miss” in parentheses.</p> - -<p>When a man friend has taken a lady to -a concert, she should thank him for his -kindness in having given her a pleasant -evening.</p> - -<p>It is not advisable for a girl to deliberately -“cut” any man. If she wishes to discontinue -her acquaintance with a man whom -she cannot respect, it may be done gradually, -at first by the coolest of greetings; -then, by a look in the other direction; and -in time all recognition will cease.</p> - -<p>If a stranger takes occasion to be polite -to one during a street-car accident, all that -is necessary is a polite “thank you.”</p> - -<p>When a man who is to escort a girl to an -entertainment calls for her at her own -home, it is proper for her to appear with -her wraps on, and be ready to start at once.</p> - -<p>If a man is courteous enough to open the -door of a store or any public building for a -woman, she should thank him.</p> - -<p>If a girl of sixteen goes to an evening affair, -her mother should arrange to have -either a servant or a member of the family -go after her to bring her home.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[137]</a></span></p> - -<p>If the hostess opens the door for a man -caller, she should precede him in entering -the parlor.</p> - -<p>After having taken a meal or having received -any other kind of entertainment at a -private house, before leaving a guest -should express his thanks, or, rather his -enjoyment, of the same to the hostess. -This courtesy from a young man or girl is -very acceptable to elderly ladies.</p> - -<p>Queen Victoria has forgiven certain -breaches of etiquette made in ignorance, -and left her guest to discover the mistake -at another time. It is a reprehensible host -indeed who does otherwise, and so makes a -guest uncomfortable. Etiquette is all -wrong and false when it makes one forget -the higher laws of courtesy or hospitality.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 56px;"> -<img src="images/i-080.jpg" width="56" height="56" alt="" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="full" /> - -<div class="tnote"> -<div class="center"><b>Transcriber’s Notes:</b></div> - -<p>Obvious punctuation errors repaired.</p> - -<p>Page 5, repeated word “to” removed from text (cares not to be seen)</p> - -<p>Page 7, “introducd” changed to “introduced” (are introduced to each)</p> - -<p>Page 15, “BNOWN” changed to “BROWN” (MISS ANNA BROWN)</p> - -<p>Page 19, “furture” changed to “future” (one’s future home is)</p> - -<p>Page 20, “seen” changed to “seem” (in her power to seem)</p> - -<p>Page 32, “amd” changed to “and” (Mr. and Mrs. Charles)</p> - -<p>Page 43, “distrub” changed to “disturb” (to disturb a hostess)</p> - -<p>Page 48, repeated word “the” removed from text (tables after the playing)</p> - -<p>Page 53, repeated word “be” removed from text (should be issued on)</p> - -<p>Page 54, “maché” changed to “mâché” (papier mâché)</p> - -<p>Page 74, “Britian” changed to “Britain” (Great Britain it is perfectly)</p> - -<p>Page 83, “wating” changed to “waiting” (in waiting for the cups)</p> - -<p>Page 85, “consumme” changed to “consommé” (bouillon or consommé)</p> - -<p>Page 85, “befor” changed to “before” (upon the table before)</p> - -<p>Page 96, “intellegent” changed to “intelligent” (an intelligent, ladylike woman)</p> - -<p>Page 98, “noticable” changed to “noticeable” (formality, more noticeable)</p> - -<p>Page 100, “couse” changed to “course” (Of course one would)</p> - -<p>Page 104, “other” changed to “others” (to others as ye would)</p> - -<p>Page 113, “humam” changed to “human” (of human life, let)</p> - -<p>Page 116, “humilated” changed to “humiliated” (writer will be humiliated)</p> - -<p>Page 121, “ean” changed to “can” (who can advise one)</p> - -<p>Page 124, “XII” changed to “XI” (CHAPTER XI)</p> - -<p>Page 126, “justisy” changed to “justify” (will justify an abrupt)</p> - -<p>Page 131, “christian” changed to “Christian” (by his Christian name)</p> - -<p>Page 134, “enteres” changed to “enters” (and, as she enters the)</p> - -<p>Page 136, “diliberately” changed to “deliberately” (a girl to deliberately)</p> -</div> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Practical Etiquette, by Cora C. 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