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diff --git a/old/50180-0.txt b/old/50180-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index ad71657..0000000 --- a/old/50180-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,8468 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Penelope, by W. Somerset Maugham - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Penelope - A Comedy in Three Acts - -Author: W. Somerset Maugham - -Release Date: October 11, 2015 [EBook #50180] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PENELOPE *** - - - - -Produced by Chuck Greif and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - - _PENELOPE_ - - _THE PLAYS OF - WILLIAM SOMERSET MAUGHAM_ - - Uniformly bound cloth, 2s 6d; paper covers, 1s 6d each - - _LADY FREDERICK_ - _JACK STRAW_ - _A MAN OF HONOUR_ - _MRS. DOT_ - _THE EXPLORER_ - - - _NOVELS BY THE SAME AUTHOR_ - - Price 6s each - - _THE EXPLORER_ - _THE MAGICIAN_ - _THE MERRY-GO-ROUND_ - _MRS. CRADDOCK_ - - _LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN_ - - - - - _PENELOPE_ - - _A COMEDY_ - - _In Three Acts_ - - _BY W. S. MAUGHAM_ - - _LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN_ - _MCMXII_ - - _Copyright 1912_ - -This play, originally called _Man and Wife_, was produced at the Comedy -Theatre on Saturday, January 9, 1909, with the following cast: - - - DR. O’FARRELL W. GRAHAM BROWNE - PROFESSOR GOLIGHTLY ALFRED BISHOP - DAVENPORT BARLOW ERIC LEWIS - MR. BEADSWORTH HERBERT ROSS - MR. ANDERSON J. H. BREWER - MRS. FERGUSSON NORMA WHALLEY - MRS. GOLIGHTLY KATE BISHOP - MRS. WATSON MRS. CHARLES CALVERT - PEYTON E. ARTHUR JONES - PENELOPE MARIE TEMPEST - - - - - _CHARACTERS_ - - - PENELOPE - DR. O’FARRELL - PROFESSOR GOLIGHTLY - MRS. GOLIGHTLY - MR. DAVENPORT BARLOW - MRS. FERGUSSON - MR. BEADSWORTH - MRS. WATSON - A PATIENT - PEYTON - - -SCENE: _Dr. O’Farrell’s house in John Street, Mayfair_ - -TIME: _The Present Day_ - -_The Performing Rights of this play are fully protected, and permission -to perform it, whether by Amateurs or Professionals, must be obtained in -advance from the author’s Sole Agent, R. Golding Bright, 20 Green -Street, Leicester Square, London, W.C., from whom all particulars can be -obtained._ - - - - - PENELOPE - - - - -THE FIRST ACT - - - SCENE: _A drawing-room in_ O’FARRELL’S _house in John Street. It is - very prettily but not extravagantly furnished. The_ O’FARRELLS _are - a young married couple of modest income_. - - _It is between six and seven in the evening._ - - PEYTON, _a neat parlour-maid, opens the door and shows in_ MR. - DAVENPORT BARLOW. - - BARLOW _is a short, self-important person of middle age. He is very - bald, red in the face, and wears a small, neatly curled moustache; - he is dressed in the height of fashion. His manner is fussy and - pompous. He comes forward as though he expected to find some one in - the room. Seeing that it is empty, he stops and looks at_ PEYTON. - _He cannot make out why there is no one to receive him._ - -BARLOW. - -[_In a tone of surprise._] Is Mrs. O’Farrell not here? - -PEYTON. - -No, sir. - -BARLOW. - -H’m.... Will you let her know I’ve come? - -PEYTON. - -Mrs. O’Farrell is not at home, sir. - -BARLOW. - -Not at home?... But.... - -PEYTON. - -Mrs. O’Farrell said, would you kindly sit down and make yourself -comfortable? And I was to give you the _Morning Post_. - -BARLOW. - -[_Pompously._] I can’t imagine why Mrs. O’Farrell should think I haven’t -read the _Morning Post_ at six o’clock in the evening. - -PEYTON. - -[_Imperturbably._] And Mrs. O’Farrell said, will you have a whisky and -soda, sir? - -BARLOW. - -But when is Mrs. O’Farrell coming in? - -PEYTON. - -I don’t know at all, sir. - -BARLOW. - -But she telegraphed to me this afternoon, asking me to come and see her -at once. - -PEYTON. - -Yes, sir; I took the telegram to the post office myself. - -BARLOW. - -It seems very extraordinary that she should have gone out. The matter -was of considerable importance. - -PEYTON. - -[_Politely._] Yes, sir. - -BARLOW. - -Very well, I’ll sit down and wait. But I can’t stay long. I’m dining at -... no matter. - -PEYTON. - -Very good, sir. - - [PEYTON _goes out_. BARLOW _goes to a looking-glass, takes a little - brush out of his pocket, and brushes his moustache_. PEYTON _comes - in again with a small tray on which are a decanter, a syphon, and a - glass_. - -BARLOW. - -Oh, thank you. Did you say you had the _Morning Post_? - -PEYTON. - -Yes, sir. [_She hands it to him. - -BARLOW. - -Ah, thank you. - - [PEYTON _goes out_. BARLOW _helps himself to a whisky and soda, - turns to the fashionable intelligence in the paper, and begins to - read it with a little smile of self-satisfaction_. - -BARLOW. - -[_Half to himself._] The Duchess of St. Erth returned to Wales -yesterday. The Marchioness of Mereston has arrived at 89 Grosvenor -Square. The Marchioness of Serlo and Lady Eleanor King leave for Paris -this morning. - - [PEYTON _comes in, followed by_ MRS. GOLIGHTLY. MRS. GOLIGHTLY _is - an extremely stout, good-natured lady of middle age. She is very - active, but short of breath. She gives one a continual impression - of having just run up a steep hill. She is_ DAVENPORT BARLOW’S - _sister_. - -PEYTON. - -Mrs. Golightly. - -BARLOW. - -Isabel! - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -Are you here, Davenport? Where’s Penelope? - -BARLOW. - -[_As if it were the most extraordinary thing in the world._] She’s out! - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Astonished._] Out? - - [_She turns to_ PEYTON _with a look of inquiry_. - -PEYTON. - -Mrs. O’Farrell said, would you kindly sit down and make yourself -comfortable, ma’am? And I was to bring you the _Church Times_. - -BARLOW. - -But.... - -PEYTON. - -[_Calmly._] And Mrs. O’Farrell said, will you have a strong cup of tea, -ma’am? - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -I’m surprised that Mrs. O’Farrell should have gone out, because she -expected me. - -PEYTON. - -[_Handing_ MRS. GOLIGHTLY _a paper_.] Yes, ma’am. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Taking it._] What is this? - -PEYTON. - -The _Church Times_, ma’am. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -[_With a look of exasperation at_ BARLOW.] Oh, thank you.... I think I -will have a cup of tea, please. - -PEYTON. - -Very good, ma’am. - - [_Exit._ - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -I wonder why on earth Penelope should insist on my reading the _Church -Times_. - -BARLOW. - -I’ve just had a telegram from her. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -So have I, asking me to come at once. [_With a ray of light._] Perhaps -we shall find some explanation in the _Church Times_. - -BARLOW. - -Nonsense. What can the _Church Times_ have to do with the Archduchess -Anastasia? - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -My dear Davenport, what are you talking about? - - [PEYTON _enters to announce_ PROFESSOR GOLIGHTLY _and immediately - afterwards goes out_. GOLIGHTLY _is a tall, spare man with grey - hair, well groomed and alert. He is neatly dressed, quite tidy, and - might just as well be a lawyer or a doctor as a professor of - mathematics. He is clean-shaven._ - -PEYTON. - -Professor Golightly. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Hulloa, Davenport! [_To his wife._] My dear, you’re the last person I -expected to find here. I thought there was a meeting of the Missionary -Society at the Albert Hall. - - [PEYTON _comes in with a tray on which are tea-things, a glass of - barley-water, and a copy of the “Athenæum_.” - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -Oh, thank you. - -PEYTON. - -[_To_ GOLIGHTLY.] Mrs. O’Farrell said, will you have a glass of -barley-water, sir? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Barley-water! - -PEYTON. - -And I was to bring you the _Athenæum_. We couldn’t get this week’s, sir, -but this is last week’s, and Mrs. O’Farrell hopes it will do as well. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_With a faint smile._] It’s very kind of you to have taken so much -trouble. - -PEYTON. - -Thank you, sir. - - [_Exit._ - -GOLIGHTLY. - -What on earth does Penelope want me to do with last week’s _Athenæum_ -and a glass of barley-water? - -BARLOW. - -Well, presumably she wants you to drink the one and to read the other. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_To his wife._] My dear, I think it’s very hard that you should have -brought up our only child on the idea that my favourite form of -refreshment is barley-water. - -BARLOW. - -It looks as if Penelope expected you, too. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -I’ve just had a wire from her. - -BARLOW. - -Have you? I wonder why on earth she wired to you. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -It’s so extraordinary that she shouldn’t be here. It makes me feel very -nervous. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Well, frankly, I couldn’t make head or tail of it, so I jumped into a -motor cab and came round from the club at once. - - [PEYTON _comes in, followed by_ BEADSWORTH. _He is a middle-aged - solicitor, with a benign manner._ - -PEYTON. - -Mr. Beadsworth. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Well, I’m hanged. - -BARLOW. - -My dear Charles, I wish you wouldn’t be slangy. It’s gone out in our -set. - -BEADSWORTH. - -[_Shaking hands with_ MRS. GOLIGHTLY.] I’ve just had a telegram from -Penelope asking me to come at once. [_Turning to_ PEYTON.] Will you let -Mrs. O’Farrell know I’m here? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -She’s out. - -PEYTON. - -Mrs. O’Farrell said, would you make yourself comfortable, sir, and we’ve -got the _Law Times_ if you’d like to read it, and will you have a glass -of port, sir? - - [BEADSWORTH _looks round at the others in bewilderment_. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -By all means have a glass of port, and I’ll swop it for my barley-water. - -BEADSWORTH. - -[_To_ PEYTON.] Thank you. - -PEYTON. - -[_Handing him the paper._] Very good, sir. - - [_Exit._ - -BEADSWORTH. - -What does she want me to do with the _Law Times_? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -I asked the same question when Peyton handed me last week’s _Athenæum_, -and Davenport, with the perspicacity that distinguishes him, answered: -read it. - -BEADSWORTH. - -Can you tell me what Penelope wants? Her telegram suggested that she -wished to see me not as an old friend, but in my official capacity as -the family solicitor. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -I haven’t an idea. I thought her telegram most mysterious. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -I wish she’d come in. I’m beginning to be dreadfully uneasy. - -BARLOW. - -[_Rather pompously._] I think I can put your minds at rest. I am in a -position to explain the whole matter to you. The telegram she sent me -makes it perfectly clear. I daresay you know that the Archduchess -Anastasia is a patient of Dickie’s. And a very nice patient for him to -have. I’ve never met her, though I happen to know several members of her -family, and she’s a very cultivated, pleasant woman. I’ve always said to -Dickie that that is the sort of practice he ought to get. The middle -classes do a doctor no good. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -My dear Davenport, do go on with your story. - -BARLOW. - -Well, it appears that the Archduchess Anastasia has signified her desire -to know Penelope. Very charming and graceful action on her part, and -just like her. Of course she’s extremely grateful to Dickie for all he’s -done. He’s worked a miraculous cure, and I daresay she’s heard that -Penelope is my niece. It’s a maxim you can always go on: royalty knows -everything. And the long and the short of it is that she’s coming to -lunch here. Of course Penelope knows nothing about these matters, and in -a state of great excitement she’s sent for me. It’s the best thing she -could do. I can tell her everything. I’ve lived in that set all my life. -It’s nothing to be particularly proud about--mere accident of birth--I -happen to be a gentleman. A certain family. Well, there it is, you see. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -But do you mean to say that Penelope wired all that to you? It must have -cost her a perfect fortune. - -BARLOW. - -She put it a little more briefly, of course, but that was the gist of -it. - -BEADSWORTH. - -I can’t imagine why she should send for me because a royalty is coming -to luncheon with her. It was very inconvenient to get away. I had a -dozen people waiting to see me, and I was obliged to slip out by the -back door in order to avoid them. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -But what are the exact words of the wire she sent you, Davenport? - -BARLOW. - -You can see it if you like. [_Taking it from his pocket and reading._] -“Come at once. Archduchess Anastasia. Penelope.” - -GOLIGHTLY. - -But d’you mean to say that you made up all that story out of those three -words? - -BARLOW. - -Penelope knew I had a certain amount of intelligence. She didn’t want to -waste her money, so she just put what was essential, and left me to -gather the rest. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -But my telegram says nothing about the Archduchess Anastasia. - -BARLOW. - -What did Penelope say to you? - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Taking out the telegram._] “Come at once! Grave scandal! Central -African Mission. Penelope.” - -BARLOW. - -But that’s absurd. You know how stupid the Post Office is. They must -have made a mistake. I know that the Pomeranian Royal Family is very -odd, but there _are_ limits, and I can’t imagine the Archduchess -Anastasia being mixed up in a scandal with a Central African missionary. - -BEADSWORTH. - -Well, my wire merely said: “Come at once; six and eightpence. Penelope.” - -BARLOW. - -Six and eightpence! Why six and eightpence? - -BEADSWORTH. - -I don’t know. That is why I lost no time in coming. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_With a twinkle._] My impression is that the Archduchess Anastasia, -instead of paying Dickie’s bill for miraculously curing her, has eloped -with a missionary, and Penelope, by aid of the law [_with a gesture -towards_ BEADSWORTH], wants to recover the money. - -BARLOW. - -It’s nonsense! You’re so unpractical, Charles. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -[_To her husband._] But you had a telegram too, dear. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -“Come at once. Decimal 7035. Penelope.” - -BARLOW. - -How very odd. - - [_The door is softly opened and_ PENELOPE _slips in; for a moment - the others do not see her, and she stands smiling at them_. - GOLIGHTLY _catches sight of her. All the others turn._] - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Penelope. - -THE OTHERS. - -Penelope. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Coming forward and kissing_ MRS. GOLIGHTLY.] Good evening, mamma! - -BARLOW. - -[_Eagerly._] Well? - -PENELOPE. - -Well, papa. [_She puts her face up for him to kiss._] - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Anxiously._] Now, Penelope. - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, Mr. Beadsworth, how nice of you to come. [_She shakes hands with -him._] Kiss me, Uncle Davenport. [_She calmly puts up her face. With -some irritation he kisses her._] - -PENELOPE. - -Thank you.... Was your whisky and soda quite right? [_Looking round._] -And the port? Father, you haven’t touched the barley-water. You -ungrateful old thing! - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Exasperated._] My dear, for goodness’ sake explain. - -BARLOW. - -Where have you been all this time? - -PENELOPE. - -I--I’ve been sitting in the consulting-room. [_With a roguish smile._] I -watched you all come in. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Rather injured._] Peyton said you were out. - -BARLOW. - -Really, Penelope, I think your behaviour is outrageous. - -PENELOPE. - -You see, I thought if I saw you one after the other as you came in, I -should have to make four scenes instead of one. It would have been very -exhausting and not nearly so effective. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Are you going to make a scene? - -PENELOPE. - -[_With the greatest satisfaction._] I’m going to make a dreadful scene -in a minute. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -Now, my dear, before you go any further, for goodness’ sake tell us what -you meant by your telegrams. - -PENELOPE. - -Well, you see, I wanted you all to come immediately, and I thought the -best thing was to trail your ruling passions under your noses. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -Do you understand what she means, Charles? - -PENELOPE. - -My dear mother, it’s the simplest thing in the world. You spend your -life in converting the heathen--from a distance--and I knew if I -mentioned the Central African Mission you’d fly here on the wings of the -wind. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -In point of fact I came in an omnibus. But do you mean to tell me that -there has been no scandal in connection with the Central African -Mission? - -PENELOPE. - -[_Smiling._] I’m dreadfully sorry to disappoint you, mother. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -And what in heaven’s name made you wire decimal 7035 to me? - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, that’s our telephone number, and I just put decimal instead of -Gerrard. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -I thought the figures were strangely familiar. - -PENELOPE. - -And there you are, you see. - -BARLOW. - -[_Chuckling._] I think it’s a capital idea. And she just flung the words -six and eightpence at you, Beadsworth, and knew she’d fetch the lawyer. - -PENELOPE. - -[_To_ BEADSWORTH.] You’re not cross with me, are you? - - [_He shakes his head, smiling._ - -BARLOW. - -And now, my dear, that you’ve disposed of them, tell me all about the -Archduchess Anastasia. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Looking at him blankly._] The Archduchess Anastasia? But I invented -her. - -BARLOW. - -What d’you mean, you invented her? I know her well, I’ve known her for -years. I know her whole family. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Rather embarrassed, but trying not to laugh._] Well, you see--I wanted -you to come, too. And.... - -BARLOW. - -I don’t understand what you mean at all, Penelope. You mention one of my -most intimate friends, and then you tell me you invented her. - -PENELOPE. - -I’m awfully sorry. I really didn’t know there was such a person, and I -thought I’d made her up out of my own head.... [_With a chuckle._] I -think it was rather clever of me to hit upon some one you know so well. - -BARLOW. - -I don’t know why you should think the mere mention of the Archduchess’s -name would make me come here. - -PENELOPE. - -Well, you see, I know that you go out a great deal, and you know such -crowds of people. I felt quite sure that if there were an Archduchess -Anastasia you’d know her, and [_with a wave of the hand_] well, there it -is you see. - - [BARLOW _fumes silently, but does not answer_. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -Now, Penelope, tell us what you really do want. - -PENELOPE. - -[_In matter-of-fact tones._] I want to divorce Dickie. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -What! - -GOLIGHTLY. - -My dear child. - -BARLOW. - -Good gracious! - - [_These three speeches are said simultaneously._ - -PENELOPE. - -[_Ruefully._] I intended to make such a scene, and now you’ve made me -blurt it all out in three words. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -But I don’t understand. - -PENELOPE. - -I’ll say it again, shall I? I want to divorce Dickie. - -BEADSWORTH. - -You don’t really mean it, do you? - -PENELOPE. - -[_Indignantly._] Of course I mean it. I’m never going to speak to him -again. That’s to say, I shall have a scene with him first. I’m quite -determined to have a scene with somebody. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -And where is Dickie now? - -PENELOPE. - -He’s on his way home with the usual story. [_With a sudden break in her -voice._] Oh, if you only knew how utterably miserable I am. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -My darling, is it really serious? - -PENELOPE. - -[_Desperately._] Oh, what can I do to make you all understand? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -The best way would be to begin at the beginning, and tell us all about -it coherently. - -BARLOW. - -[_Pompously._] My dear Charles, this is not the kind of matter in which -you can be of any use. You’re a mathematician, and you’re not expected -to know anything about practical affairs. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Faintly ironic._] I apologise profusely. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -[_To_ PENELOPE, _to ask her to speak_.] Darling? - -PENELOPE. - -Well, the first thing is that I simply dote upon Dickie. I’ve never -loved any one else, and I never shall. - -BEADSWORTH. - -That’s a very satisfactory confession after four years of matrimony. - -PENELOPE. - -Five years, three months, and two days. And every day I’ve loved Dickie -more. - -BEADSWORTH. - -I’ve never seen a more devoted couple. - -PENELOPE. - -We’ve never had a quarrel. We’ve never even been cross with one another. -It’s been a honeymoon that’s never come to an end. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -Well? - -PENELOPE. - -And now I’ve discovered that he’s been lying to me for the last month. -He’s been coming home dreadfully late, and when I’ve asked him where -he’s been, he’s said that he had to see a patient who was very ill--such -an interesting case--and it worried him so much that he was obliged to -go to his club and have a rubber to settle his nerves. And the -interesting case and the rubber of bridge are Ada Fergusson. - -BARLOW. - -[_Pompously._] But who is Ada Fergusson? I’ve never heard of her. - -PENELOPE. - -Ada Fergusson’s a great friend of mine. And I hate her. I always knew -she was a cat. For the last four weeks Dickie’s been spending every -afternoon with her from four till seven. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Raising his eyebrows._] But do you always ask your husband where he’s -been when he comes in? - -PENELOPE. - -[_Impatiently._] My dear papa, what has that got to do with it? We all -know that you’re an old dear, and the greatest mathematician in the -world, but you know nothing about life at all. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -I apologise again. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -Give him a sheet of paper and a pencil, Penelope, and he’ll amuse -himself by doing sums while we talk the matter out. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Pushing writing materials over to him._] There you are, papa. - -BEADSWORTH. - -But how did you find out? - -PENELOPE. - -[_Impatiently._] Oh, what does it matter how I found out! I’ve got all -sorts of proofs. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -You could knock me down with a feather. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_With a smile._] My dear! - -BARLOW. - -I am not in the least surprised. - -PENELOPE. - -Uncle Davenport! - -BARLOW. - -I have expected it all along. You will remember, Isabel, that I was -against the marriage from the beginning. I said, one doesn’t marry a -doctor. One sometimes meets them in society when they’ve had their -angles rubbed off a little and perhaps have been knighted, but one never -meets their wives. We suppose they do marry, but they don’t marry any -one we know. I may be old-fashioned, but I stick to my opinion that -there are only three possible professions for a gentleman, the law, the -army, and the church. - -PENELOPE. - -My dear Uncle Davenport, you’re talking nonsense. - -BARLOW. - -[_Huffily._] You ask me for my opinion, and I give it you. I regret that -you should think it nonsense. - -BEADSWORTH. - -And what are you proposing to do now? - -PENELOPE. - -[_With great determination._] I’m never going to live with Dickie again. -As soon as I’ve seen him I shall leave this house for ever. - -BEADSWORTH. - -You’re proposing to have a few words with him? - -PENELOPE. - -Several. I’m going to tell him that I despise him, and that I hate him; -I’m going to throw my wedding ring in his face, and then I shall sweep -out of the room. - -BEADSWORTH. - -Have you really made up your mind that you won’t forgive him? - -PENELOPE. - -Nothing would induce me ever to speak to him again if it weren’t that I -want to tell him exactly what I think of him. - -BARLOW. - -Besides, you’ve got your family to think of. Of course you must leave -him. You see, that is what I say, you’re not safe with people of no -birth. I look upon all this as a blessing in disguise. - -BEADSWORTH. - -Do you wish to bring an action for judicial separation? - -PENELOPE. - -My dear Mr. Beadsworth, what are you talking about! I’m going to divorce -him. I’m going to make an awful scandal. - -BEADSWORTH. - -Well, I suppose we could arrange that at a pinch with the help of the -newspapers. Has he ever been cruel to you? - -PENELOPE. - -Good heavens, no! That’s what makes me so angry. The last month he’s -been more perfectly charming and delightful than ever. Oh, I wish I -could do something really unpleasant to Ada Fergusson. Something with -boiling oil in it. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -I am shocked, frankly shocked. I would never have thought that Dickie -could be so wicked. - -BARLOW. - -Family life in England is going to the dogs. That is the long and short -of it. - - [_Suddenly_ PENELOPE _catches sight of what_ GOLIGHTLY _has been - diligently writing_. _She gives the paper a startled look and then - turns round._ - -PENELOPE. - -Mother, a dreadful thing has happened. Papa has suddenly become a -drivelling lunatic. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -My dear, what are you saying? - -PENELOPE. - -He’s been adding two and two together all over that piece of paper, and -he makes it five every time. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -Charles! - - [PENELOPE _hands the sheet to_ BARLOW. - -PENELOPE. - -Look. - -BARLOW. - -Two and two are five. Two and two are five. - - [_He passes it on to_ BEADSWORTH. - -BEADSWORTH. - -Two and two are five. Two and two are five. - -BARLOW. - -I knew this would happen. I’ve been expecting it for years. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -Charles, pull yourself together. - -PENELOPE. - -Papa, you don’t really think that two and two are five? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -On the contrary, I’m convinced that two and two are four. - -PENELOPE. - -Then why on earth have you made it five? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Do you know why you buy Pears’ soap? - -PENELOPE. - -I expect you’ve been working too hard, father dear. Why don’t you go and -lie down for half an hour? And when Dickie comes in he’ll give you a -tonic. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -You buy Pears’ soap because you’re told on fifty thousand hoardings that -it’s matchless for the complexion. - -PENELOPE. - -That’s not funny, papa, that’s silly. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -You’ve only got to say a thing often enough, and all the world will -believe it. And when the world believes it, it’s very hard to say if -it’s true or not. - -PENELOPE. - -What has that got to do with two and two? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -I thought if I wrote “two and two are five” often enough I might come to -think it true. - -PENELOPE. - -But if you wrote it a million times it wouldn’t be any truer. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -That is the conclusion I’m regretfully forced to. - -PENELOPE. - -Well? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -The whole of life is merely a matter of adding two and two together and -getting the right answer. - -BARLOW. - -My dear Charles, if you’re going to discuss life I think there’s no need -for me to stay. I’ve told you for twenty years that you’re a scholar and -a recluse. I have lived in the world, and I’m a practical man. If -Penelope wants to consult me, I am at her service; if not.... - -PENELOPE. - -Hold your tongue, Uncle Davenport. - -BARLOW. - -Really, Penelope. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -During the last five years I’ve seen you adding two and two together -and making them about seventy-nine. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -I don’t know what you’re talking about, Charles. Dickie’s behaviour is -abominable, and there are no excuses for him. It’s a mere matter of -common morality. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -My dear, I have no objection to you talking common morality if you’ll -let me talk common sense. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -My dear Charles, they’re the same thing. - -PENELOPE. - -If you think you can make me forgive Dickie by telling me that you were -a wicked old thing yourself in your youth, I may as well tell you at -once that it won’t wash. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Outraged._] What are you talking about, my dear? - -PENELOPE. - -Well, I’ve noticed that when a woman discovers that her husband has been -unfaithful, her male relations invariably try to console her by telling -her how shockingly they’ve treated their own wives. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -My dear, I was going to confess nothing of the sort. I never confess. - -PENELOPE. - -Of course, if it were the other way about, and mamma had kicked over the -traces a little.... - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -Darling, can you see me performing an acrobatic feat of that character? - -PENELOPE. - -Go on, papa. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -I think you’ve treated Dickie shamefully. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Astounded._] I? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -If your mother had behaved to me as you’ve behaved to Dickie, I should -certainly have taken to drink. - -PENELOPE. - -But I’ve been a perfect angel. I’ve simply worshipped the ground he -walked on. I’ve loved him as no man was ever loved before. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -No man could stand it. - -PENELOPE. - -Papa, what do you mean? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -My dear, you’ve loved him morning, noon, and night. You’ve loved him -when he talked, and you’ve loved him when he was silent. You’ve loved -him walking, you’ve loved him eating, you’ve loved him sleeping. He’s -never been able to escape from your love. - -PENELOPE. - -But I couldn’t help it. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -You need not have shown it. - -PENELOPE. - -And do you mean to say that justifies him in philandering with Ada -Fergusson? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -It excuses him. - -PENELOPE. - -What beasts men must be! - -GOLIGHTLY. - -No; but strange as it may seem to you, they’re human beings. When you -were a child you doted on strawberry ices. - -PENELOPE. - -I dote on them still. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Would you like to eat strawberry ice for breakfast, lunch, tea, and -dinner every day for a month? - -PENELOPE. - -Good heavens! the thought fills me with horror. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Poor Dickie has lived on strawberry ice for five years. It’s been his -only means of sustenance. - -PENELOPE. - -[_With consternation._] Oh! - -GOLIGHTLY. - -You’ve never let him go out without coming into the hall to put on his -hat and kiss him good-bye; he’s never come into the house without you -running down to help him off with his coat and kiss him welcome. When he -sat down after breakfast in the morning to read his paper and smoke his -pipe, I’ve seen you sit down on the arm of his chair and put your arm -round his neck. - -BARLOW. - -[_Outraged._] Penelope! - -PENELOPE. - -Do you think it was very awful? - -BARLOW. - -My dear child! - -PENELOPE. - -[_To_ BEADSWORTH.] Did Mrs. Beadsworth never sit on the arm of your -chair when you were smoking your pipe? - -BEADSWORTH. - -I must confess I’m thankful my wife occupied those moments in attending -to her household duties. - -PENELOPE. - -You are a lot of horrid old things. I ask you to come here to sympathise -with me, and you’re perfectly brutal to me. - -BARLOW. - -My dear Penelope, there are limits. - -PENELOPE. - -Well, I don’t care; I’m going to divorce him. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Let’s do another little simple addition, shall we? Perhaps two and two -will make four a second time. - -PENELOPE. - -I don’t know that I much like being a mathematician’s daughter. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Don’t you think, instead of divorcing your husband, it would be better -to win back his affection? - -PENELOPE. - -I don’t want his affection. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Smiling._] Are you sure you wouldn’t if you could get it? - - [PENELOPE _looks at her father for a moment, then goes up to him - quickly_. - -PENELOPE. - -[_With tears in her voice._] Papa, d’you think I ever could win back his -love? You say I’ve lost it through my own fault. Oh, I don’t know what -to do without him. I’ve been so wretched since I knew. I’ve tried to put -a cheerful face on it, but if you knew what I feel in my heart.... Oh, -the brutes, why didn’t they hide it from me? - -BARLOW. - -My dear Penelope, I expected you to have more spirit. He’s a person of -no family. I should have thought you were well rid of him. - -PENELOPE. - -Uncle Davenport, if you say a word against him, I will immediately have -an attack of hysterics. - -BARLOW. - -What you expect your father to be able to tell you I can’t imagine. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Smiling._] Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings, Davenport.... - -BARLOW. - -I shouldn’t have thought one could describe you as either. But, in any -case, I can stay no longer. - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, no, don’t go yet, Uncle Davenport. - -BARLOW. - -It appears that my advice is not wanted, and I promised to look in on -dear Lady Hollington before dinner. - -PENELOPE. - -Do telephone to her that you can’t come. You’ll find a telephone in my -sitting-room. - -BARLOW. - -[_Shrugging his shoulders._] I’m too indulgent. People don’t rate me at -my proper value. - - [_He goes out._ - -PENELOPE. - -Papa, say you’ll get Dickie back for me. I want him. I want him. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -My dear, it’s very simple. It merely requires a great deal of tact, a -great deal of courage, and a great deal of self-control. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Ironically._] Nothing else? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -A good deal. You must never let yourself out of hand; you must keep -guard on your tongue and your eyes and your smiles--and your temper. - -PENELOPE. - -I think you said it was very simple. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Is Ada Fergusson pretty? - -PENELOPE. - -No, she’s perfectly hideous. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Is she? That makes it more serious. - -PENELOPE. - -Why? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -If a man falls in love with a pretty woman, he falls out of it. But if -he falls in love with a plain one, he’ll be in love with her all his -life. - -PENELOPE. - -You take a load off my mind. Ada Fergusson’s extremely attractive. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Then you’ll get him back. - -PENELOPE. - -Tell me exactly what to do, and I’ll do it. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Give him his head. - -PENELOPE. - -Is that all? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -It means a good deal. When he comes in, don’t make a scene, but be -charming to him. For once, don’t ask him where he’s been. When he leaves -you, don’t ask him where he’s going, nor at what time he’ll be back. -Don’t let him know that you have the least suspicion that anything has -happened. On the contrary, take every opportunity of throwing him into -Ada Fergusson’s society. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -Charles, you’re asking Penelope to connive at immorality. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -When every difficulty disappears, Dickie will find half the savour of -the intrigue gone. Half your battle is won. Leave the rest to time and -Ada Fergusson. Let Ada Fergusson sit on the arm of his chair when he -wants to read his paper. Let him account to Ada Fergusson for all his -movements. Under such circumstances a woman is always on tenterhooks, -and consequently she’s always exacting. Whenever there’s a pause in the -conversation, Ada Fergusson will say, Do you care for me as much as ever -you did? That speech is the rope around love’s throat. Whenever he wants -to go away, Ada Fergusson will implore him to stay five minutes longer. -Those five minutes that a man stays against his will are the nails in -love’s coffin. Each time he leaves her Ada Fergusson will say, At what -time will you be back? That question is the earth shovelled into love’s -grave. - - [_All this while_ PENELOPE _has been staring at_ GOLIGHTLY _with - astonishment_. - -PENELOPE. - -Where did you learn all this, father? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_With a deprecating shrug._] It’s a mere matter of adding two and two -together, my darling. - -PENELOPE. - -I had no idea that mathematics were so interesting--nor so immoral. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -What do you think of it? - -PENELOPE. - -But if Dickie falls out of love with Ada Fergusson there’s no reason why -he should fall in love again with me. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -You must make him. - -PENELOPE. - -I wish I knew how. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -It only requires a little more tact, a little more courage, and a little -more self-control. - -PENELOPE. - -But if I acquire so many virtues I shan’t be a woman, but a monster, and -how can he love me then? - -BEADSWORTH. - -[_From the window._] There’s a car stopping at the door. - -PENELOPE. - -Listen.... I can hear a key being turned. It must be Dickie. - -BEADSWORTH. - -What are you going to do? - -PENELOPE. - -[_Hesitating._] What do you think, mamma? - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -My dear, I highly disapprove of your father’s idea, and I can’t imagine -how it ever came into his head, but I’m bound to say I think there’s -some sense in it. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Making up her mind._] I’ll try. Remember, no one knows anything that -has happened. You’ll back me up, mamma, won’t you? - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -You’re not going to ask me to tell a pack of lies, darling? - -PENELOPE. - -Only white ones, mother. If there’s a whopper to tell, I’ll tell it -myself. - -BEADSWORTH. - -But what about Barlow? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -He’s a man of the world. He’s sure to put his foot in it. - -PENELOPE. - -I’ll settle him. - - [BARLOW _comes in_. - -PENELOPE. - -Ah! - -BARLOW. - -I could not get on to her. I don’t know what’s the matter with those -telephone girls. Hussies! - -PENELOPE. - -Uncle Davenport, I find I’ve been entirely mistaken about Dickie. He’s -not to blame in any way. - -BARLOW. - -Good gracious me! And Ada Fergusson? - -PENELOPE. - -Is, I have no doubt, no worse than anybody else. - -BARLOW. - -This is a surprise. How on earth have you come to this conclusion? - -PENELOPE. - -By adding two and two together. - -BARLOW. - -Upon my word! I must say, it annoys me that I should have been forced to -break an important engagement for no reason. I should have thought.... - -PENELOPE. - -[_Interrupting._] Uncle Davenport, it’s quite bad enough that I should -be done out of a scene, but if you’re going to make one it’s more than I -can stand. - -BEADSWORTH. - -Well, as I can’t be of any more use to you, I think I’ll get back to the -bosom of my family. - -PENELOPE. - -Of course, I look upon this as a professional visit. - -BEADSWORTH. - -Oh, nonsense! - -PENELOPE. - -I couldn’t dream of accepting your services for nothing. You must really -let me know what I owe you. - -BEADSWORTH. - -I really don’t know what to say. - -PENELOPE. - -Dickie charges a guinea when he goes to see anybody. - -BEADSWORTH. - -You only mentioned six and eightpence in your telegram. - -PENELOPE. - -Very well, I’ll owe you that. It would really make me feel more -comfortable. - -BEADSWORTH. - -You’re not going to hand it over in hard cash? - -PENELOPE. - -I wasn’t thinking of paying you. But I’d like to think I owed it you. -You see, then, I shan’t feel under any obligation. - -BEADSWORTH. - -In that case I surrender. Good-bye. - -PENELOPE. - -Good-bye. - -BARLOW. - -Good-bye, Beadsworth. You must come and dine with me at the club one of -these days. - -BEADSWORTH. - -I should like to. Good-bye. - - [_Exit._ - -BARLOW. - -Very nice fellow. Quite a gentleman. No one would think he was a -solicitor. I shall ask him to dinner with one or two people who don’t -matter. - -PENELOPE. - -There’s Dickie. D’you hear him whistling? He’s evidently in the best of -spirits. - - [DICKIE _comes in. He is a good-looking, well-dressed, professional - man of five-and-thirty. He has boisterous spirits and high good - humour. He is seldom put out of countenance. He has a charm of - manner which explains_ PENELOPE’S _infatuation_. - -DICKIE. - -Hulloa! I couldn’t make out what had become of you, Pen. - -PENELOPE. - -Why? - -DICKIE. - -You generally come down to meet me when I get in. - - [PENELOPE _gives a slight start and conceals a smile_. - -PENELOPE. - -My sainted mother is here. - -DICKIE. - -[_Gaily._] That’s no reason why you should neglect a devoted husband. -[_Shaking hands with_ MRS. GOLIGHTLY.] How is your sainted mother? -Hulloa, Uncle Davenport, what price duchesses to-day? - -BARLOW. - -I beg your pardon. I don’t know what you mean. - -DICKIE. - -[_Looking round at the decanters and glasses with which the room is -scattered._] I say, you’ve been doing yourselves rather proud, haven’t -you? Who’s been drinking port? - -PENELOPE. - -Nobody. It’s an empty glass. - -DICKIE. - -That’s how providence behaves to me. Deliberately puts temptation in my -way. It’s simply poison. Gout in my family, you know. My ancestors have -lived on colchicum for a hundred years. I feel a tingling in my toes at -the mere sight of a bottle of port. And yet I drink it. - - [_He fills himself a glass and sips it with great content._ - -BARLOW. - -It’s a great mistake, of course, to think that gout is a mark of good -family. The porter of my club is a martyr to it. - -DICKIE. - -Perhaps he’s the illegitimate son of an earl. You should ask him if he -has a strawberry mark on his left shoulder. What’s the matter, Pen? - -PENELOPE. - -[_Astonished._] With me? - -DICKIE. - -I thought you seemed a bit under the weather. - -PENELOPE. - -Why? - -DICKIE. - -I don’t know. You’re not quite up to your usual form, are you? You’ve -not asked me what I’ve been doing to-day. As a rule you’re so interested -in my movements. - -PENELOPE. - -[_With a glance at her father._] I thought you’d tell me if you wanted -to. - -DICKIE. - -I say, I do think that’s a bit thick. I go slaving my very soul out to -provide you with a motor and nice frocks and things, and you don’t take -the smallest interest in what I do. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Smiling._] Well, what have you been doing this afternoon? - -DICKIE. - -[_With a sigh of relief._] Oh, I’ve had the very deuce of a day. I’ve -got a very interesting case on just now. Taking up a lot of my time. Of -course, it worries me rather, but I suppose all these things come in the -day’s march. Well, I spent the best part of an hour there. - -PENELOPE. - -An hour? - -DICKIE. - -Yes, we had a consultation, you know. - -PENELOPE. - -But you had a consultation yesterday. - -DICKIE. - -Yesterday? Yes, she’s a fussy old thing. She’s always wanting -consultations. - -PENELOPE. - -That’s jolly, isn’t it? - -DICKIE. - -I don’t think it is. It looks as if she hadn’t really confidence in me. - -PENELOPE. - -On the other hand, you can charge double, can’t you? - -DICKIE. - -Yes, of course, it has that advantage. - -PENELOPE. - -I’ve been hankering after an ermine stole for a long time. I shall buy -it now. - -DICKIE. - -[_His face falling._] Oh, but I haven’t been paid yet. - -PENELOPE. - -They’ll be only too glad to wait. And it’s such a bargain. - -DICKIE. - -[_To change the conversation._] Well, after my consultation I was so -fagged that I had to go into the club to have a rubber of Bridge. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -By the way, what is the name of your patient? - -DICKIE. - -The name of my patient? - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, yes, I was telling papa that you’d got a new patient who was -bringing in pots of money. I couldn’t remember her name. - -DICKIE. - -[_Embarrassed._] Oh--er, Mrs. Mac.... - -PENELOPE. - -Mrs. Mac what? - -DICKIE. - -Mrs. Macnothing. - -BARLOW. - -How d’you mean, Mrs. Macnothing? I’ve never heard of a family called -Macnothing. - -DICKIE. - -No, of course, her name isn’t Macnothing. - -BARLOW. - -But you distinctly said it was Mrs. Macnothing. - -DICKIE. - -Now, my dear Pen, did I say anything about Macnothing? - -PENELOPE. - -Well, what is her name then? - -DICKIE. - -I’ve been telling you for the last ten minutes. Her name’s Mrs. Mack. - -BARLOW. - -Why on earth didn’t you say so at once? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -How did you find such a profitable patient? - -DICKIE. - -Oh, it was a great piece of luck. She heard about me from that little -friend of yours, Pen. What is her name? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -You seem to have a very bad memory for names, Dickie. You should make a -knot in your handkerchief. - -DICKIE. - -It’s a friend of Pen’s. [_Pretending to try and remember._] Her -husband’s in the navy, stationed at Malta, isn’t he? - -PENELOPE. - -Ada Fergusson. - -DICKIE. - -That’s it, of course. Mrs. Fergusson. - -BARLOW. - -One of the Fergussons of Kingarth, I suppose? - -DICKIE. - -I don’t know at all. Quite a nice little thing, I thought. I must -confess that she didn’t interest me very much. - - [PEYTON _comes in to announce_ MRS. FERGUSSON. MRS. FERGUSSON _is a - handsome, showy woman of about thirty_. - -PEYTON. - -Mrs. Fergusson. - - [DICKIE _is filled with consternation_. PEYTON _goes out. There is - a very brief moment of embarrassment, but_ PENELOPE _quickly - recovers herself and goes up to the visitor effusively_. - -PENELOPE. - -How d’you do? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Is it a preposterous hour to pay a call? - -PENELOPE. - -Of course not. I’m always delighted to see you. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I’ve been shopping the whole afternoon, and it suddenly occurred to me -that I hadn’t seen you for ages. - -PENELOPE. - -Do you know my sainted mother? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -How d’you do? - -PENELOPE. - -This is my noble father, and this is my uncle. - -BARLOW. - -How d’you do? - - [_He is evidently much struck by_ MRS. FERGUSSON. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Turning blandly to_ DICKIE.] You haven’t forgotten me? - -DICKIE. - -Of course not. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -We haven’t met for ages, have we? - -DICKIE. - -Simply ages. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I passed you in Piccadilly the other day, and you cut me dead. - -DICKIE. - -I’m so sorry, I’m so short-sighted. - -PENELOPE. - -Dickie, you’re not at all short-sighted. How can you tell such fibs? - -BARLOW. - -[_With pompous gallantry._] Dickie feels that only a physical impediment -can excuse a man for not seeing a pretty woman. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Oh, how very nice of you to say that. - -BARLOW. - -Not at all, not at all. - -PENELOPE. - -I wanted to thank you for getting Dickie such a splendid patient. - -DICKIE. - -[_Hastily, seeing her look of astonishment._] I’ve just been telling my -wife about Mrs. Mack. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Not in the least understanding._] Oh, yes. - -DICKIE. - -It was really awfully good of you to tell her to send for me. I’ve been -to see her this afternoon. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Understanding._] Oh, yes. I like to do all I can for people. I hope -you’ll find her a nice patient. - -PENELOPE. - -She seems to require a lot of visits. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Yes, she was only telling me the other day how much she liked Dr. -O’Farrell. I’m afraid she’s very ill, poor dear. - -DICKIE. - -To tell you the truth, I’m extremely worried about her. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -It’s a great comfort to all her friends to know that Dr. O’Farrell is -looking after her. - -BARLOW. - -I’ve been wondering if she’s one of the Staffordshire Macks or one of -the Somersetshire Macks. - -DICKIE. - -I don’t know at all. - -BARLOW. - -How d’you mean you don’t know at all? She must be one or the other. - -DICKIE. - -I don’t see that it matters either way. - -PENELOPE. - -What is she like? - -DICKIE. - -Oh, I don’t know. Like everybody else, I suppose. - -PENELOPE. - -Don’t be silly, Dickie. You must know if she’s fat or thin. - -DICKIE. - -[_Looking at_ MRS. FERGUSSON.] I should say fat, wouldn’t you? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Obese. - -PENELOPE. - -Yes? - -DICKIE. - -She has grey hair. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -All in little corkscrew curls. - -DICKIE. - -[_Laughing._] Yes. I wonder how she does them. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -She has very pretty blue eyes, hasn’t she? - -DICKIE. - -Yes, very pretty blue eyes. - -PENELOPE. - -What is her Christian name? - -DICKIE. - -Er--I don’t know at all. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Promptly._] Catherine. - -PENELOPE. - -Catherine Mack? Mother, it’s your old friend Catherine Mack. What an -extraordinary coincidence! - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Catherine Mack. Why, of course, I remember her perfectly. Little grey -corkscrew curls and very pretty blue eyes. - -PENELOPE. - -Wouldn’t she like mamma to go and see her? - -DICKIE. - -I’m afraid she can’t see any one just yet. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -You must tell her how sorry we are to hear she’s so ill. - -DICKIE. - -Oh, yes, I’ll give her any message you like. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Rather stiffly, getting up._] I think I ought to be going. Will you -come, Charles? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Yes, my dear. - -PENELOPE. - -Good-bye, mother, darling. - - [_They talk aside as_ MRS. GOLIGHTLY _is helped on with her cloak_. - DICKIE _is left practically alone with_ MRS. FERGUSSON. - -DICKIE. - -[_In an undertone._] I say, what the dickens have you come here for -now? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -You didn’t tell me when I should see you to-morrow. - -DICKIE. - -Good heavens, you might have rung me up on the telephone. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Oh, I never trust the telephone. - -DICKIE. - -How do you mean you never trust the telephone? Are you in the habit.... - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Dickie! - -DICKIE. - -I beg your pardon, I didn’t mean that. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Why on earth did you invent that cock-and-bull story about Mrs. Mack? - -DICKIE. - -I didn’t. It invented itself. I was obliged to account for my movements. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -D’you mean to say your wife asks you where you’ve been and where you’re -going? How like a woman. [_Innocently._] By the way, what are you doing -this evening? - -DICKIE. - -[_With amusement._] Oh, Penelope and I are dining at the Carlton grill -room, and going to a music hall. - - [BARLOW _comes up to them_. - -BARLOW. - -Good-bye, Mrs. Fergusson. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Effusively._] Good-bye. - -BARLOW. - -[_To_ PENELOPE, _as he shakes hands with her_.] Devilish fine woman. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Pretending to be outraged._] Uncle Davenport! - -BARLOW. - -Good-bye, dear. Quite a lady. - -PENELOPE. - -Good-bye. - - [BARLOW _and_ MRS. GOLIGHTLY _go out_. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_As he is following._] Are you all right? - -PENELOPE. - -Yes, leave it to me. I’m beginning to feel my feet. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_With a smile._] I noticed it. - - [GOLIGHTLY _goes out_. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Charming man your uncle is, Penelope. So distinguished. - -PENELOPE. - -You’ve made a conquest of him. He told me you were a devilish fine -woman. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Not really? Men often tell me I’m a womanly woman. - -PENELOPE. - -I daresay it means the same thing. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -But I must fly too. I really had no idea it was so late. - -PENELOPE. - -Are you doing anything to-night? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Oh, no! I live very quietly. There’s nothing that I enjoy more than an -evening all by myself, with a book. - -PENELOPE. - -You used to be so fond of going out. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I know that my husband prefers me to remain at home. And when I think of -him bravely serving his country in a foreign land I have no heart for -gaiety. - -PENELOPE. - -What a charming nature you have. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_To_ DICKIE.] My husband’s in a man-of-war. He’s stationed at Malta, -you know. It’s so dreadful that my health forces me to remain in -England. - -PENELOPE. - -I wonder if you’d do me a great kindness. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -My dear, I’ll always do anything for an old friend. - -PENELOPE. - -The fact is, I’ve had a perfectly fiendish headache the whole afternoon. - -DICKIE. - -[_Triumphantly._] I knew there was something the matter with you the -moment I came in. - -PENELOPE. - -We’ve got a couple of stalls for a music hall to-night. It would be -awfully kind of you if you’d go with Dickie instead of me. - - [_A look of intelligence passes between_ DICKIE _and_ MRS. - FERGUSSON. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I? - -PENELOPE. - -Dickie hates going out alone, and I simply can’t stir. You can have a -jolly little dinner together at a restaurant, and you can go on -afterwards. - -DICKIE. - -Are you really sure you can’t go, Pen? - -PENELOPE. - -It’s absolutely out of the question. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Don’t you think Dr. O’Farrell ought to stay and look after you? - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, no! It’ll do him good to go out. He’s been working so dreadfully -hard. This afternoon he had a consultation that lasted nearly an hour. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_To_ DICKIE.] Would you like me to come with you? - -DICKIE. - -I should love it, if it wouldn’t bore you. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Then I shall be delighted. - -PENELOPE. - -Thanks so much. But it’s getting very late. I think you ought to start -at once. - -DICKIE. - -You’re sure you don’t mind my leaving you, Penelope? - -PENELOPE. - -Positive. - -DICKIE. - -Well, just wait a moment, and I’ll make you up a dose of something. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Hastily._] Oh, no, I promise you I’m much better without medicine. - -DICKIE. - -Nonsense. Of course I must give you something. - - [_He goes out._ - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -That’s the advantage of having a doctor in the family. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Crossly._] Yes, it’s a great advantage. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I do envy you, having your husband always at hand. When I think of mine -bravely serving his country--and you know, every doctor I go to tells me -it would be most dangerous for me to join him. - - [DICKIE _comes in with a little medicine glass, filled with a milky - fluid_. - -DICKIE. - -Here it is. - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, no, Dickie, I’d much rather not. - -DICKIE. - -Don’t be silly, darling. This’ll pull you together like anything. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I’m sure she ought to lie down. - -PENELOPE. - -No, I think I’d rather stand up if you don’t mind. - -DICKIE. - -How extraordinarily unreasonable you are! Now lie down on this sofa. - -PENELOPE. - -Of course, if I absolutely must. - - [_She lies down on a sofa._ - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -We must make you comfortable before we go. - -DICKIE. - -Let’s put all the cushions behind her. Is that nice? - -PENELOPE. - -Yes, thank you. - -DICKIE. - -Poor little thing. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I’m sure she ought to have something over her feet. - -DICKIE. - -Let’s put this rug over her feet. There. Now take this medicine.... -There.... - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, no, Dickie. I’ll take it after you’ve gone. I really will. I promise -you I’ll take it. - -DICKIE. - -Why on earth can’t you take it now? - -PENELOPE. - -Well, I hate making faces before you. - -DICKIE. - -But I’ve often seen you make faces. - -PENELOPE. - -Yes, at you. That’s quite a different thing. - -DICKIE. - -Now, take it like a good girl. - -PENELOPE. - -After you’ve gone. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_With great determination._] I’m not going to stir from this room till -you’ve taken it. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Resigned._] Give it me. Hold my nose, Dickie. - - [_She swallows it and makes a face._ - -Oh, I wish I’d never married you, Dickie. - -DICKIE. - -It’ll make you feel like one o’clock. - -PENELOPE. - -I don’t want to feel like one o’clock. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Good-bye. So sorry you’re feeling seedy. - -DICKIE. - -Good-bye, darling. - -PENELOPE. - -I hope you’ll have an awfully good time. - - [DICKIE _and_ MRS. FERGUSSON _go out_. PENELOPE _springs up, throws - the cushions angrily aside, makes one or two quick steps towards - the door as though to call them back, then stops_. - -PENELOPE. - -No, I won’t. I won’t. - - [_She comes slowly back, then sinks down and bursts into tears._ - -END OF THE FIRST ACT. - - - - -THE SECOND ACT - - - SCENE: DR. O’FARRELL’S _consulting-room. It is a comfortably - furnished room, with engravings on the walls, photographs in silver - frames, and flowers on the chimney-piece. There is a large desk on - one side, with papers on it, books, and a reading-lamp. There is a - revolving-chair for_ DICKIE _to sit in, and a chair on the other - side of the desk for the patient. On a side table are a microscope, - a stand for test tubes, one or two medicine bottles, a row of large - bottles containing chemicals, and an electric lamp. There is a sofa - without arms for patients to lie upon, and there are two or three - chairs besides. On the shelves are medical books. On a little table - is a pile of “Lancets.”_ - - DICKIE _is sitting at his desk, with his stethoscope still in his - ears. A patient is standing up, buttoning up his braces. He puts on - his waistcoat and coat as the conversation proceeds. He is a very - timid little man, with a bald head and gold spectacles. He has an - intensely nervous, apologetic manner._ - -DICKIE. - -I’ll just write you out a prescription, shall I? - -PATIENT. - -Oh, it’s too good of you. I’m afraid I’m giving you so much trouble. - -DICKIE. - -Not at all. Now what would you like me to give you? - -PATIENT. - -[_Dreadfully embarrassed._] Oh, whatever you like, please. It’s too good -of you. - -DICKIE. - -You know, there’s not much the matter with you. - -PATIENT. - -Oh, I’m so sorry. I really, really.... - -DICKIE. - -I should have thought you’d be rather pleased. - -PATIENT. - -[_Apologetically._] Yes, of course, I’m very much pleased. I didn’t mean -that. I’ve taken up so much of your time. - -DICKIE. - -It’s only out of the people who’ve got nothing the matter with them that -I make a living. The people who are ill either get well or die, and -that’s the end of them. - -PATIENT. - -Yes, I see. I never thought of that. Beautiful day it is, isn’t it? - -DICKIE. - -Won’t you sit down? - -PATIENT. - -Oh, it’s too good of you. Thank you, thank you. I’m afraid I’m taking up -so much of your time. - -DICKIE. - -I always make my patients sit on the other side of my desk since one of -them suddenly saw a snake on me, and flung himself at my throat in order -to save me from being bitten. He nearly throttled me in the process, and -when I knelt on his chest, he said I was an ungrateful devil, and he -wouldn’t interfere with the snakes next time they went for me. - -PATIENT. - -[_Extremely agitated._] Oh, but you don’t think there’s any danger of my -flying at your throat, do you? - -DICKIE. - -[_With a laugh._] No, of course not. - -PATIENT. - -I drink nothing for my luncheon, and only claret and water for my -dinner. - -DICKIE. - -I suppose you wouldn’t think you’d had your money’s worth if I gave you -no medicine? - -PATIENT. - -Oh, it’s too good of you, but I think, for my wife’s sake, I’d like to -take something. - -DICKIE. - -Well, look here, I’ve given you some strychnine to buck you up, and some -bismuth to quiet you down. Take it three times a day after meals. - -PATIENT. - -Oh, thank you so much. I’m sure it’s just what I want. And now--er. And -now--er.... - - [_He gets up, overcome with embarrassment._ - -DICKIE. - -I think there’s nothing more I can do for you. - -PATIENT. - -No, er--thank you very much. I--er--it’s so good of you to have taken so -much trouble. Yes, er.... - -DICKIE. - -[_Understanding._] Oh.... My fee is two guineas. - -PATIENT. - -[_Infinitely relieved._] Oh, thank you so much. That’s just what I -wanted to ask you. Shall I write you a cheque? - -DICKIE. - -We always prefer to have it in hard cash, you know, in case it’s a bogus -cheque. - -PATIENT. - -Oh, certainly. It’s too good of you. I thought you mightn’t like it. - -DICKIE. - -It’s extraordinary how nervous people are about giving a doctor money. -If you only knew how jolly glad he is to get it. - -PATIENT. - -Yes. Thank you very much. - - [_The patient takes two guineas out of his pocket and puts them - nervously on the chimney-piece._ - -DICKIE. - -Hang it all, man, not on the mantelpiece. There are limits. - -PATIENT. - -Oh, I beg your pardon. I’m so sorry. - -DICKIE. - -We always like it put on the desk. - -PATIENT. - -I don’t often come and consult doctors. - -DICKIE. - -I can see that. If you did you’d probably give me two pounds and say you -hadn’t got two shillings on you, especially if you were a woman. - -PATIENT. - -You don’t say so. Really it never occurred to me. - -DICKIE. - -Thank you. Well, good-bye. - -PATIENT. - -Good-bye, and thank you so much. Beautiful day, isn’t it? Good-bye. - - [DICKIE _leads him to the door and shows him out. At the door he - sees_ GOLIGHTLY. - -DICKIE. - -Hulloa! Come in, won’t you? [_Calling upstairs._] Pen, here’s your noble -parent. - - [GOLIGHTLY _comes in_. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -I was just going up to see Pen. - -DICKIE. - -Come and sit down here, and we’ll have a smoke. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Aren’t you expecting patients? - -DICKIE. - -Oh, it’s just on five o’clock. I don’t suppose any one else will come. -We might have tea down here. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -How are things going? - -DICKIE. - -Rotten. Look here, a wretched two guineas. That’s all I’ve made this -afternoon. - - [PENELOPE _comes in_. - -PENELOPE. - -Well, father? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Kiss your noble parent, my child. You’ve got a new dress on. - -PENELOPE. - -I rather like it, don’t you? - -DICKIE. - -Is that another new frock, Pen? - -PENELOPE. - -Yes, darling. Why? - -DICKIE. - -Oh, nothing. - -PENELOPE. - -The wife of a fashionable physician has to spend a lot of money on her -clothes. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Dickie was lamenting that times were very bad. - -DICKIE. - -What can you expect with this beastly weather! Fine, dry, cold day after -day. We haven’t had a fog this autumn. It doesn’t give one a chance. Of -course everybody keeps well. Times are getting worse and worse. -Everybody has decent drains now. An officious Government gives people -pure water. If it weren’t for patent medicines and the _malade -imaginaire_ half the doctors in London would starve. - -PENELOPE. - -Never mind, Dickie. There may be a motor accident just outside our front -door one of these days. - -DICKIE. - -It would be just like my luck if they were all killed outright. No, what -I want is a really good epidemic, a very complicated form of influenza -that’d keep people on their backs for about a month. - -PENELOPE. - -And supposing I got it? - -DICKIE. - -Well, if you got it that bounder on the other side of the street would -have to treat you. And he couldn’t charge you as you’re my wife, and -he’d simply grind his teeth at having to waste his time. - -PENELOPE. - -The bounder on the other side of the street is Dr. Rogers. I like him -much better than Dickie. - -DICKIE. - -Pompous ass. - -PENELOPE. - -He’s got such a pleasant bedside manner. - -DICKIE. - -You’ve never seen my bedside manner. [_Looking at his hands._] I say, I -must just go and wash my hands, they’re covered with Picric Acid. - - [_Exit._ - -PENELOPE. - -Where’s mother? Converting the heathen? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -From the safe distance of the Albert Hall. - -PENELOPE. - -[_With a change of manner._] I’m glad you came alone. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Is anything the matter? - -PENELOPE. - -[_Breaking out._] I can’t go on with it any longer. I’ve come to the end -of my strength. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Is Dickie still ...? - -PENELOPE. - -Yes. I can’t imagine what he sees in her. I sit and watch her sometimes -and wonder what she has that I haven’t got. You don’t think I’m plain, -do you? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Certainly not. If you had been I should have exposed you at your birth, -like the ancient Spartans. - -PENELOPE. - -There are lots of men who are willing to tell me that I’m extremely -attractive. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Why don’t you let them? - -PENELOPE. - -My dear father, you’re the most immoral parent I’ve ever come across. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_With a little deprecatory shrug._] It might be politic. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Shaking her head._] No, I don’t know whether I shall ever get Dickie -back again, but I don’t want to get him back by exciting his jealousy. I -don’t want his love if I can only have it by making him think other men -are in love with me. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Remember that two and two never make five. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Impatiently._] It’s easy enough to give advice. You’ve only got to sit -still and watch. I’ve got to do things. And the worst of it is that -doing things means doing nothing. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -My dear. - -PENELOPE. - -Now, father, don’t look as if you didn’t understand or I shall throw -something at your head. It wouldn’t be so bad if I could be up and -doing, but I just have to sit still and keep my temper. You don’t know -what I’ve suffered this month with a smiling face. I’ve laughed while my -heart ached. I’ve chaffed Dickie when I’ve known he was just going to -meet Ada Fergusson. I’ve arranged little parties so that they might be -together. I haven’t even dared to cry by myself in case Ada Fergusson -should see that my eyes were red and tell Dickie. He’s seen her every -day, every single day for the last month, and all the time I’ve been -cheerful and pleasant and amusing. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -But how does he manage to get the time? - -PENELOPE. - -Of course he’s been neglecting his practice. He’s sent his assistant to -people he ought to have seen himself. You remember Mrs. Mack, don’t you? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Smiling._] The imaginary Mrs. Mack? Yes. - -PENELOPE. - -If you knew how I hated Mrs. Mack! She’s been having operations. She has -an operation about once a week, and Dickie goes off for the whole day in -his car. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -She must have the constitution of a boa-constrictor. - -PENELOPE. - -And the curious thing is that she always has an operation when there’s a -race meeting. She had an operation for the Duke of York’s Stakes at -Kempton; and she had another operation for the Cesarewitch, and a third -for Sandown. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -How very singular. - -PENELOPE. - -It is till you know that Ada Fergusson adores racing. And the thing that -makes me so furious is that I’m quite certain Dickie puts on her money -for her; and when her horse wins she pockets the profits, and when it -loses she doesn’t pay her stake. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -That sounds very nasty of her. What makes you think it? - -PENELOPE. - -I do it myself.... Poor Dickie, it’s going to cost him a lot of money -this month. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Why? - -PENELOPE. - -Because whenever he goes out for the day I have to console myself by -buying something. I generally choose something rather dear. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -I don’t remember that I advised that in the treatment of a volatile -husband. - -PENELOPE. - -No, I added it of my own accord. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -But why did you send for me to-day? - -PENELOPE. - -Because the end has come. And I can’t stand it any longer. This morning -Dickie said that Mrs. Mack was well enough to be moved, and he was -going to take her over to Paris to put her in the Riviera train. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Do you mean to say that.... - -PENELOPE. - -[_With an angry shrug of the shoulders._] Ada Fergusson wants a little -jaunt in Paris. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -What are you going to do? - -PENELOPE. - -I’m going to tell him he must choose between us. I’m going to do -everything I can to prevent him from going. And I mean to let him know -that if he goes it’s the end. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Oh! - -PENELOPE. - -Don’t say oh! Say I’m quite right. Say it’s the only thing to do. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -But I think you’re quite wrong. - -PENELOPE. - -Wrong! - -GOLIGHTLY. - -You don’t suppose he wants to go to Paris. No man in his senses would -take the risk. - -PENELOPE. - -Then why is he going? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Because she’s making him. And once a woman in these circumstances makes -a man do what he doesn’t want to, it’s the beginning of the end. - -PENELOPE. - -How d’you know? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -I don’t know. I guess it. - -PENELOPE. - -It seems to me that a lifetime spent in the study of mathematics has -resulted in some very various knowledge. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Be a good girl, Pen, and let them go. - - [_There is a pause while_ PENELOPE, _resting her face on her hands, - looks straight at her father. She thinks the matter out._ - -PENELOPE. - -You were right when you said I should want a great deal of tact, and a -great deal of patience, and a great deal of self-control. My word! - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Smiling._] Well? - -PENELOPE. - -I’ll do nothing. I’ll hold my tongue, I’ll smile, I’ll make jokes, -but.... - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Yes? - -PENELOPE. - -I want some hats badly. I’ll just go and ring up Françoise and tell her -to send me all she’s got in the shop. - - [DICKIE _comes in_. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -I was just going. - -DICKIE. - -I’m sorry. Why so soon? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -I promised to fetch my wife. - -PENELOPE. - -You must come back. This is the first time I’ve been separated from -Dickie since our marriage, and I shall want to hide my head in the -maternal bosom while my noble father pats my hand. - -DICKIE. - -I wish you wouldn’t take it so calmly, Pen. You might be a bit cut up. - -PENELOPE. - -But, darling, I’m making every preparation to have fit after fit of -violent hysterics. I can’t do more. - -DICKIE. - -Rot me, that’s right. - -PENELOPE. - -[_With meaning._] After all, Dickie, I know you wouldn’t go if you could -help it. It’s only because you feel it’s your duty, isn’t it? - - [DICKIE _is rather uncomfortable, but says nothing_. GOLIGHTLY - _breaks the momentary silence_. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Why are you going by night? - -DICKIE. - -[_Relieved._] Oh, you see, there’s so much less of a crowd. It’s more -convenient when you’re carting an invalid about. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Gaily._] It’ll be great fun, because you’ll see all the gay young men -who are making a little excursion to Paris with the object of their -affections. I’m told they always go by night so that no one should see -them on the journey. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Well, I must be getting on or I shall be late. _Au revoir._ - -PENELOPE. - -Don’t be too long, father, in case my emotions get the better of me -before you come back. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Nodding._] I may see you later, Dickie. - - [_He goes out._ PENELOPE _makes as if to follow him_. - -PENELOPE. - -I’m going upstairs to have tea. - -DICKIE. - -[_Rather stiffly._] I’d like to have a little talk with you, Pen. - -PENELOPE. - -Then come up into the drawing-room. - -DICKIE. - -I’d rather talk to you down here. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Sitting down._] Very well. Talk. - -DICKIE. - -You can send for the tea if you like. - -PENELOPE. - -No; I’ll let it stand and ruin my digestion. - -DICKIE. - -[_Taking papers out of his pocket and giving them to_ PENELOPE.] D’you -know what these are? - -PENELOPE. - -[_With a charming smile._] Bills, darling? - -DICKIE. - -I can see they’re bills, thank you! - -PENELOPE. - -[_Flourishing one of them._] This is for the frock I’ve got on. You -wouldn’t think it cost so much, would you? [_Looking down at it._] You -see, you have to pay for the cut. - -DICKIE. - -[_Trying to keep his temper._] And what do you expect me to do with -them? - -PENELOPE. - -[_Indifferently._] You can put them in the waste-paper basket if you -like, but it would be shorter to pay them. - -DICKIE. - -[_Flying into a passion._] Now, look here, Pen. It’s perfectly -preposterous. You know I’m not going to stand this sort of thing. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Apparently much astonished, quite good-humouredly._] Darling, you’re -not going to make a scene for a few little things I’ve bought myself. I -was positively in rags, and I thought you liked me to dress neatly. - -DICKIE. - -Hang it all, I’m a poor man, and you’ve spent more than a hundred and -fifty pounds in this one month. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Calmly._] Does it come to as much as that? It’s lucky you’ve got such -a good patient in Mrs. Mack, isn’t it? - - [_He gives her a suspicious look, but to get away from_ MRS. MACK - _breaks out angrily_. - -DICKIE. - -Senseless extravagance I call it. Now look here, here’s thirty-five -pounds for a dress in blue cloth--absurd price to pay--on 9th of -October. - -PENELOPE. - -Duke of York’s Stakes at Kempton. - -DICKIE. - -How d’you mean, Duke of York’s Stakes at Kempton? - -PENELOPE. - -I just happen to remember they were on that day because Madame Claude -was so surprised to see me. It was only by the merest chance that she -hadn’t gone to the races herself. - -DICKIE. - -But what on earth put it into your head to go and buy a blue cloth -dress? - -PENELOPE. - -[_Sweetly._] Well, you see, darling, it was the day of the first -operation that was performed on Mrs. Mack. And you were away all day, -and I felt awfully depressed and lonely. And I knew how anxious you -were, and it made me anxious, so I just went and ordered a blue cloth to -cheer myself up a bit. - - [DICKIE _looks at her for a moment, then looks down at the bill, is - about to speak, but says nothing_. PENELOPE _watches him_. - -DICKIE. - -[_Suddenly._] And look here, on the 13th of October there’s an ermine -stole and a muff. - -PENELOPE. - -Yes, that was the second operation on poor Mrs. Mack. - -DICKIE. - -I say, I think it’s a bit thick. - -PENELOPE. - -Well, I had to do something while you were away. And it made me feel so -miserable to see everybody driving off with race glasses to Liverpool -Street. - -DICKIE. - -I beg your pardon. - -PENELOPE. - -You see, the 13th of October was the Cesarewitch. - -DICKIE. - -And I suppose all the others are to be explained in the same way. -[_Looking at a bill._] October 22. - -PENELOPE. - -Sandown Races. - - [DICKIE _looks through the bill crossly, but does not speak_. - -[_Innocently._] I wonder why you always had your operations on the same -day as an important race meeting. - -DICKIE. - -I suppose you think it odd? - -PENELOPE. - -A little. - -DICKIE. - -Well, it isn’t odd at all. It’s one of old Peter Marsden’s cranky ways. -I told you it was Peter Marsden who did the operations, didn’t I? -[PENELOPE _nods_.] The fact is, he’s simply mad on racing. And he’s lost -such a pot of money that he always fixes an important operation for the -same day as a race meeting so that he absolutely won’t be able to go to -it. - -PENELOPE. - -Funny old thing. - - [DICKIE _looks up suspiciously_. - -[_With a laugh._] Peter Marsden, not you, darling. - -DICKIE. - -Now look here, Pen, we’ll say no more about these bills. I’ll pay them -this time.... - -PENELOPE. - -I knew you would. - -DICKIE. - -But there must be no more of them. - -PENELOPE. - -I really don’t know why you should make such a fuss. After all, you’ve -been earning simply heaps and heaps of money with Mrs. Mack. - -DICKIE. - -We mustn’t count our chickens before they’re hatched. I haven’t had a -penny out of her yet. - -PENELOPE. - -But now that she’s going away you can send in your bill. - -DICKIE. - -Oh, I couldn’t possibly. It would kill her. - -PENELOPE. - -Don’t you think you might risk it? - -DICKIE. - -I think you’re awfully heartless, Pen. You forget that I’m very much -attached to the old lady. I look upon her as a friend as well as a -patient. - -PENELOPE. - -Perhaps she’ll leave you something in her will. We want a new electric -brougham, don’t we? - -DICKIE. - -Oh, I shouldn’t accept it. I have the strongest feeling against doctors -getting legacies from their patients. - -PENELOPE. - -Well, you’ll be able to charge at least a hundred and fifty pounds for -taking her to Paris. - -DICKIE. - -[_With a start._] Pen! - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, you made me jump. - -DICKIE. - -You’re not proposing to buy anything more? - -PENELOPE. - -Well, darling, I know that when I get up to-morrow morning and you’re -not here, I shall feel dreadfully lonely and depressed. - -DICKIE. - -[_Interrupting._] Have your sainted mother to stay with you. - -PENELOPE. - -And it’s struck me that I simply haven’t got a hat I can wear. - -DICKIE. - -[_Sternly._] Penelope. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Persuasively._] It’ll make my frocks last so much longer if I have -some nice hats. You see, you ring the changes, and people think you have -a new gown on. - -DICKIE. - -And may I venture to inquire how many hats you’ll want to overcome your -depression? - -PENELOPE. - -[_Decidedly._] Three. - -DICKIE. - -I never heard anything so preposterous. - -PENELOPE. - -Now look here, Dickie, I’m willing to meet you half way; I promise you -they shan’t cost more than five pounds each. You can afford that out of -the hundred and fifty. - -DICKIE. - -The fact is, Pen, that Mrs. Mack is more a friend than a patient, and -she’s not so well to do as I thought. I’m proposing to make no charge -for accompanying her to Paris. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Quite firmly._] Oh, no, Dickie, I won’t hear of it. You’ve got a wife -to think of--if you died to-morrow I should be totally unprovided for. -You have no right to be quixotic. It’s not fair to me. - - [DICKIE _is just going to answer when_ PEYTON _comes in_. - -PEYTON. - -A lady wishes to see you, sir. - -DICKIE. - -[_Irritably._] At this hour? - -PEYTON. - -It’s Mrs. Watson, sir. - -DICKIE. - -Oh, yes, I know. Show her in. - - [_Exit_ PEYTON. - -DICKIE. - -Thank heaven, there’s somebody. I’ll get a few guineas out of her at all -events. [_Looking at his case book._] Four visits. That’ll be five -guineas. By Jove, I want them. - -PENELOPE. - -What’s the matter with her? - -DICKIE. - -I don’t know, but I’m pretending I do. And she probably won’t find out. - -PENELOPE. - -I’ll leave you. I must just telephone to some one. - - [_She goes out._ DICKIE _walks up and down irritably. When_ MRS. - WATSON _appears he at once puts on his professional manner, and is - very bland and affable_. MRS. WATSON _is a little, old lady in - black_. - -DICKIE. - -Well, Mrs. Watson? - -MRS. WATSON. - -You mustn’t mind my coming so late. I know you don’t see any one after -five, but I’m going away. - -DICKIE. - -I’m delighted to see you. I promise you that. - -MRS. WATSON. - -I’m starting for the Riviera with my daughter to-morrow, and I thought -I’d like to see you again before I went. - -DICKIE. - -Of course. And how have you been getting on? - -MRS. WATSON. - -[_With the keenest satisfaction._] Oh! I don’t get on. I never get -better. - -DICKIE. - -Have you been taking your medicine regularly? - -MRS. WATSON. - -[_Cheerfully._] Yes; but it doesn’t do me any good. - -DICKIE. - -Let’s try your knee jerks, shall we? - - [MRS. WATSON _crosses one leg over the other, and_ DICKIE _taps - below the knee; the leg is slightly jerked up_. - -DICKIE. - -That seems right enough. - -MRS. WATSON. - -Sir Benjamin Broadstairs tried everything, and he couldn’t cure me; and -then I went to Sir William Wilson, and he told me not to do any of the -things that Sir Benjamin Broadstairs told me to do, and I got worse and -worse! - -DICKIE. - -You seem uncommonly cheerful about it. - -MRS. WATSON. - -I’ve been to every doctor in London, and they all say I’m a wonderful -case. I like being examined by doctors, and they take such an interest -in me. The hours and hours they’ve spent over me. I can never be -grateful enough for all the kindness I’ve had from them. - -DICKIE. - -It’s very nice of you to say so. I think I’ll try you on something else -to-day. - -MRS. WATSON. - -Oh! make it nice and strong; won’t you, doctor? - -DICKIE. - -You seem to like your medicine with some body in it. - -MRS. WATSON. - -Well, I like taking medicines. It’s something to do; and now my -daughter’s married I’m very much alone. I think I’ve taken every -medicine in the Pharmacopœia, and they’ve none of them done me any -good. - -DICKIE. - -[_Handing her a prescription._] Well, perhaps this will. You must take -it three times a day before meals. - -MRS. WATSON. - -[_Looking at it._] Oh! but I’ve had this before, Dr. O’Farrell. Sir -Arthur Thomas gave me this only a few months ago. - -DICKIE. - -Well, try it again. Perhaps you didn’t give it a fair chance. - -MRS. WATSON. - -I was reading in the _Lancet_ the other day that a German doctor had -discovered a new medicine which does nerve cases such a lot of good. I’m -sure it’s the very thing for me. - -DICKIE. - -What on earth were you reading the _Lancet_ for? - -MRS. WATSON. - -Oh, I always read the _Lancet_ and the _British Medical Journal_. You -see, my poor husband had to take them in for his practice. - -DICKIE. - -[_With a gasp._] You don’t mean to say your husband was a doctor? - -MRS. WATSON. - -Oh, I thought I told you that I was a doctor’s widow. - - [DICKIE _tries to master his agitation while_ MRS. WATSON _prattles - on_. - -MRS. WATSON. - -I can never bear to hear doctors spoken badly of. They never do me any -good, but they’ve been kindness itself. I’ve only once been rudely -treated, and that--if you’ll believe it--was by a mere nobody. I told -him all my symptoms, and he said to me, Madam, can you eat? Yes, I said. -I have breakfast in the morning and a little soup at eleven o’clock; and -then I have lunch, and I always make a good tea, and I eat a little -dinner at half-past seven, and before I go to bed I have some bread and -milk. Then he said, Madam, can you sleep? Yes, I said, for an old woman -I sleep very well; I sleep eight or nine hours regularly. Then he said, -Madam, can you walk? Oh! yes, I said, I always make a point of walking -four miles a day. Then he said, My opinion is that you’ve got nothing -the matter with you at all. Good afternoon. - -DICKIE. - -Fancy. - -MRS. WATSON. - -Well, I just looked him up and down, and I said to him, Sir, your -opinion is not shared by Sir Benjamin Broadstairs, or Sir William -Wilson, or Sir Arthur Thomas. And I didn’t even offer him a fee, but I -just swept out of the room. [_Archly._] You won’t give me that new -medicine? - -DICKIE. - -Honestly, I don’t think it’s quite what you want. - -MRS. WATSON. - -Very well. I expect you know best. And now I mustn’t take up any more of -your time. - -DICKIE. - -[_Sarcastically._] Oh, it’s of no value, thank you. - -MRS. WATSON. - -[_Persuasively._] Will you tell me what I owe you? - -DICKIE. - -Oh, as a doctor’s widow, of course, I couldn’t dream of accepting a fee. - -MRS. WATSON. - -That is kind of you. But you must allow me to give you a little present. - -DICKIE. - -[_Rather feebly, but brightening up a little._] Oh, really, you know.... - -MRS. WATSON. - -I’ve seen every doctor in London of any importance, and they’ve none of -them charged me a penny, but I always make them a little present. I know -that you doctors have to go out in all weathers, and you never wrap -yourselves up. So I give them a woollen comforter. - - [_She takes out of her bag a large red woollen comforter._ - -DICKIE. - -[_Blankly._] Oh, thank you very much. - -MRS. WATSON. - -I made it myself. - -DICKIE. - -Did you! - -MRS. WATSON. - -And Sir Benjamin promised to wear his every winter. You’ll find it so -warm. - -DICKIE. - -I’m very grateful to you. - -MRS. WATSON. - -And now, good-bye, and thank you so much. - -DICKIE. - -When you come back from the Riviera, you might do worse than consult Dr. -Rogers. He lives just at the other end of the street, you know. He’s -very good in cases like yours. - -MRS. WATSON. - -Thank you so much. - -DICKIE. - -Good-bye. - - [_She goes out, and he shuts the door. He runs to the other and - calls out._ - -DICKIE. - -Pen! Pen! - -PENELOPE’S VOICE. - -Yes. - - [_There is a knock at the door._ - -DICKIE. - -[_Irritably._] Come in. - - [MRS. WATSON _enters_. - -MRS. WATSON. - -I knew there was something I wanted to ask you particularly, and I -nearly forgot it. Sir Benjamin Broadstairs said I ought never to eat -anything but toast, and Sir William Wilson said he didn’t think toast -was at all good for me, and I only ought to eat bread. Now, I wonder -what I had better do? - -DICKIE. - -[_Seriously, as if he were deliberating._] Well, if I were you, I’d eat -bread toasted only on one side. - -MRS. WATSON. - -Thank you so much. Good-bye. I hope you’ll like the comforter. - -DICKIE. - -I’m sure I shall. Good-bye. - - [_She goes out again, and_ DICKIE _shuts the door_. - -DICKIE. - -Pen! Pen! - - [PENELOPE _comes in by the other door_. - -PENELOPE. - -What is the matter? - - [DICKIE _goes up to her furiously with the comforter in his hands_. - -DICKIE. - -Look! That’s my fee! That! - -PENELOPE. - -It’s a woollen comforter. - -DICKIE. - -Don’t be idiotic, Penelope. I can see it’s a woollen comforter. - -PENELOPE. - -But what’s the meaning of it? - -DICKIE. - -She’s a doctor’s widow. Of course I couldn’t charge her anything. She -kept it dark till to-day. I’ll tell you what, doctors’ widows oughtn’t -to be allowed to survive their husbands. - -PENELOPE. - -Oh! - -DICKIE. - -When you’re my widow, Pen, you go right up one side of Harley Street and -then right down the other and see them all. - -PENELOPE. - -But supposing I’m not ill? - -DICKIE. - -Hang it all, when you’ve lost me the least you can do is to enjoy -indifferent health. - - [PEYTON _comes in_. - -PEYTON. - -If you please, sir, Mrs. Watson says, may she just see you for one -minute. - -DICKIE. - -[_Resigned._] Yes. - - [_Exit_ PEYTON. - -DICKIE. - -What the dickens does she want now? - - [PEYTON _shows_ MRS. WATSON _in_. - -MRS. WATSON. - -You’ll think you’ve never seen the last of me. - -DICKIE. - -[_Blandly._] Not at all. Not at all. - -MRS. WATSON. - -I’ve been thinking about what you said about toasting my bread on one -side.... On which side shall I put the butter? - -DICKIE. - -[_With his chin in his hand._] H’m. H’m. You must put the butter on the -toasted side. - -MRS. WATSON. - -Oh, thank you. Now just one more question, do you think a little jam -would hurt me? - -DICKIE. - -No, I don’t think a little jam would hurt you, but you mustn’t put it on -the same side as you put the butter. - -MRS. WATSON. - -Oh, thank you. Good afternoon. I’m so much obliged. - -DICKIE. - -Not at all. Not at all. - - [MRS. WATSON _goes out_. - -DICKIE. - -[_Shaking his fist at the door._] Suttee.... That’s the word. Suttee. - -PENELOPE. - -Dickie, what are you talking about? - -DICKIE. - -I’ve been trying to think of it for ten minutes. That’s what doctors’ -widows ought to do--Suttee. Like the Hindoos. - -PENELOPE. - -Burn themselves alive at their husbands’ death? - -DICKIE. - -You’ve hit it. Suttee. That’s the word. - -PENELOPE. - -But, darling, I should hate to grace your funeral by making a bonfire of -myself. - -DICKIE. - -Oh, you have no affection for me. - -PENELOPE. - -Lots, but that’s asking a great deal, isn’t it? - -DICKIE. - -No, you don’t care for me as much as you used to. You’re quite -different. I’ve noticed lots of things. - -PENELOPE. - -[_With a rapid glance at him, but keeping her chaffing manner._] Oh, -nonsense. - -DICKIE. - -You’ve changed lately. You never come down to see me off in the morning, -and you don’t ask me at what time I’m coming back. You always used to -sit on the arm of my chair after breakfast when I was smoking my pipe -and reading the paper. - -PENELOPE. - -You must have hated it, didn’t you? - -DICKIE. - -Of course I hated it, but it showed you were fond of me, and now that -you don’t do it any more I miss it. - - [PEYTON _comes in, followed by_ MRS. FERGUSSON, _and withdraws_. - -PEYTON. - -Mrs. Fergusson. - - [DICKIE _gives a slight start, and shows faint signs of annoyance. - He cannot make out what_ MRS. FERGUSSON _has come for_. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -The maid told me you were here, so I asked her to show me straight in. I -hope you don’t mind. - -PENELOPE. - -Of course not. We’re delighted to see you anywhere. Won’t you have some -tea? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -No, thank you. The fact is, I’ve come to see Dr. O’Farrell -professionally. - -PENELOPE. - -You’re not ill? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I’ve not been very well lately, and I thought I’d like to see a doctor. -[_To_ DICKIE.] Will you treat me? - -DICKIE. - -I’ll do anything I can for you. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -But it must be really a professional visit. You know, I want to pay. - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, nonsense, Dickie couldn’t dream of accepting money from one of my -friends. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -No, I’ve got the strictest principles on that point. I think it’s too -bad of people to want a doctor to treat them for nothing. I really -insist on paying the usual fee. - -DICKIE. - -Oh, well, we’ll discuss that later. - -PENELOPE. - -I’ll leave you alone, shall I? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Do you mind, dear? It makes me a little uncomfortable to discuss my -symptoms before a third party. - -PENELOPE. - -Of course. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -We shall only be five minutes. - -PENELOPE. - -I warn you that Dickie’s medicines are perfectly beastly. - - [_She goes out._ - -DICKIE. - -I’m sorry you’re seedy. You were all right yesterday. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Laughing._] I’ve never been better in my life, thank you. - - [DICKIE _is rather taken aback_. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -That’s the advantage of you being a doctor. When I want to see you alone -I can do it under your wife’s very nose. Don’t you think it was rather -ingenious? - -DICKIE. - -[_Dryly._] Very. - - [_She gives a little laugh. She gets up and steps cautiously to the - door, and suddenly flings it open._ - -DICKIE. - -What on earth are you doing? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I wanted to see if Penelope was listening. - -DICKIE. - -[_Rather sharply._] Of course she wasn’t listening. That’s about the -last thing she’d do. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Oh, my dear, don’t get in a temper about it. Lots of women do listen, -you know. - -DICKIE. - -Do they? I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting them. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Fiddle. - -DICKIE. - -Then will you tell me in what way I can be of use to you? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Good-humouredly._] Certainly not, if you ask me as crossly as that. -You may kiss my hand. [_He does so._] That’s right. Still cross? - -DICKIE. - -No. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Do you love me as much as ever? - -DICKIE. - -Yes. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -You wouldn’t say no if you didn’t, would you? - -DICKIE. - -No. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Brute! - -DICKIE. - -[_Rather impatiently._] I say, what on earth have you come for? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -You _are_ nice to me to-day. - -DICKIE. - -Well, when I left you yesterday we fixed up everything. I gave you your -ticket, and I wrote down the time the train started. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Well, for one thing I wanted to see Penelope. - -DICKIE. - -Why? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -It amuses me to see her simplicity. I get a lot of pleasure in looking -at her and thinking how little she suspects what is going on under her -very nose. She’s the most trusting person I ever met in my life. - -DICKIE. - -If you want to know anything, it makes me feel devilish uncomfortable. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -My poor, dear boy, what _are_ you talking about? - -DICKIE. - -It wouldn’t be so bad if we had to take any precautions. But she trusts -us absolutely. Why, she’s always throwing us together. It never enters -her head that there can be the least reason for suspicion. It’s like -knocking a man down who can’t defend himself. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I suppose that means that you no longer love me? - -DICKIE. - -Of course I love you. Good heavens, I’ve told you so till I’m blue in -the face. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Oh, no, you no longer love me. Men only begin to have scruples when they -stop caring for you. - - [DICKIE _gives a sigh of resignation. This is not the first scene - he has had to put up with._ - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I’ve sacrificed everything for your sake. And now you insult me. And -when I think of my poor husband bravely serving his country in a foreign -land! Oh, it’s cruel, cruel! - -DICKIE. - -But I’ve only said it made me feel low down to treat Penelope badly. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -You don’t think of my feelings. You don’t think how I feel. What about -my husband? - -DICKIE. - -Well, you see I don’t happen to know your husband, and I do know my -wife. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Don’t be so stupid. Of course you know your wife. - -DICKIE. - -That’s why I don’t like behaving like an utter cad. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -If you really loved me you would think of nothing but me, nothing, -nothing, nothing. - - [_She puts her handkerchief to her eyes._ - -DICKIE. - -Oh, I say, don’t cry. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I shall cry. I’ve never been treated like this before. If you don’t love -me any more, why don’t you say so? - -DICKIE. - -Yes, I do love you. But.... - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -But what? - -DICKIE. - -[_Nervously._] Well--er--I think it would be much better if we--put the -trip to Paris off for a bit. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Gasping with anger._] Oh! Oh! Oh! - -DICKIE. - -Penelope’s so blindly confident. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I’ll never speak to you again. I wish I had never met you. Oh, how can -you insult me like this! - - [_She begins to sob._ - -DICKIE. - -Oh, Lord! Oh, Lord! I say, don’t cry. I didn’t mean to be horrid. I’m -awfully sorry. - - [_He tries to take away her hands from her face._ - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Don’t touch me. Don’t come near me. - -DICKIE. - -I’ll do anything you like if you won’t cry. I say, just think if -Penelope came in--I was only thinking of the risk to you. Of course, -there’s nothing I’d like so much as a jaunt over the Channel. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Is that true? - -DICKIE. - -Yes. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Do you really want me to come? - -DICKIE. - -Of course I do, if you don’t mind the risk. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_With a smile._] Oh, I’ll make that all right. - -DICKIE. - -Why, what are you going to do? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Wait a minute or two and you’ll see. - - [_She is perfectly composed again, and in high good-humour._ - -DICKIE. - -We might tell Penelope that we’re ready. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Very well. [_As_ DICKIE _goes to the door_.] Oh, I quite forgot. I’ve -simply got a head like a sieve. - -DICKIE. - -What’s the matter? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Well, I almost forgot the very thing I came to see you about. And all -through you making a scene. - -DICKIE. - -Did I make a scene? I wasn’t aware of it. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I want to ask you something. You won’t be angry, will you? - -DICKIE. - -I shouldn’t think so. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Of course it’s nothing very important really, but it’s just a little -awkward to ask. - -DICKIE. - -Oh, nonsense. Of course I’ll do anything I can. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Well, a friend of mine on the Stock Exchange gave me a splendid tip, -and.... - -DICKIE. - -It hasn’t come off. I know those splendid tips. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Oh, but it’s bound to be all right, only there are some differences to -pay. I don’t quite understand what it all means, but Solly Abrahams.... - -DICKIE. - -[_Interrupting._] Is that your friend on the Stock Exchange? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Yes, why? - -DICKIE. - -Oh, nothing. Good old Scotch name, that’s all. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Solly says I must send him a cheque for a hundred and eighty pounds. - - [DICKIE _gives a slight start, and his face falls_. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -And it’s just a little awkward for me to pay that just now. You see my -income is always paid me half-yearly, and I really haven’t got a hundred -and eighty pounds in the bank. I never borrow--it’s a thing I can’t -bear--and I felt the only person I could come to now was you. - -DICKIE. - -I’m sure that’s awfully nice of you, not to say flattering. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I knew you’d give it me at once, and, of course, I’ll pay you back out -of my profits. - -DICKIE. - -Oh, that’s very good of you. I’ll see what I can do. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Would it be too much trouble if I asked you to write out a cheque now? -It’ll be such a weight off my mind. - -DICKIE. - -Of course. I’ll be only too glad. By the way, what are the shares -called? - - [_He sits down at his desk and writes a cheque._ - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Oh, it’s a gold mine. It’s called the Johannesburg and New Jerusalem. - -DICKIE. - -The name inspires confidence. - - [_He gives her the cheque._ - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Thanks, so much. It’s awfully good of you. Now just write out a little -prescription so as to have something to show Penelope. - -DICKIE. - -You forget nothing. - - [_He writes._ - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -And I must give you a fee. - -DICKIE. - -Oh, I wouldn’t bother about that. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Oh yes, I insist. Besides, it makes it look so much more probable. - - [_She looks in her purse._ - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Oh, how stupid of me! I’ve only got a two-shilling bit in my purse. You -don’t happen to have a couple of sovereigns on you. - -DICKIE. - -Oh, yes, I think I have. The only money I’ve earned to-day. - - [_He takes them out of his pocket and gives them to_ _Mrs. - Fergusson_. _She puts them on the desk with a two-shilling piece._ - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Thank you.... There. That looks a most imposing fee. You must leave it -on there for Penelope to see. - -DICKIE. - -Shall I call her? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I will. [_She goes to the door and calls._] Penelope, we’ve quite done. - -DICKIE. - -[_Hearing voices upstairs._] Hulloa, there’s our Uncle Davenport. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Oh, I met him in the park the other day. He made himself so pleasant. He -asked me if I was a Fergusson of Glengary. I didn’t know what he meant, -but I said I was, and he seemed so pleased. - -DICKIE. - -You’d better not let him know you were a Miss Jones or he’ll have a fit. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Oh, I shall tell him I’m a Jones of Llandudno. I think that sounds -rather smart. - -DICKIE. - -You have what one might politely describe as a remarkable power of -invention. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I don’t know about that, but I am a womanly woman, and that’s why men -like me. - - [PENELOPE _and_ BARLOW _come in_. - -BARLOW. - -Ah, Mrs. Fergusson, this is a delightful surprise. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -You wicked, wicked man, I am told you’re such a rake. - -PENELOPE. - -Uncle Davenport? - -BARLOW. - -[_Delighted._] Ah, ah. Tales out of school, Mrs. Fergusson. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -If I’d known what a reputation you had I wouldn’t have let you talk to -me for half an hour in the park. - -BARLOW. - -[_Bubbling over with delight._] Oh, you mustn’t listen to all you hear. -A man who goes out as much as I do is sure to get talked about. Our -world is so small and so censorious. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Dr. O’Farrell has been writing a prescription for me. I haven’t been -very well lately. - -BARLOW. - -Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that. You look the picture of health and -extremely handsome. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Oh, you horrid cruel thing! I wanted you to sympathise with me and tell -me how ill I looked. - -BARLOW. - -If you will allow me to call on you I can promise to sympathise with -you, but I’m afraid I shall never be able to tell you that you look -anything but charming. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -That’s too nice of you. You must come and see me the moment I get back -from Paris. - - [DICKIE _gives a start_. - -PENELOPE. - -Are you going to Paris? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I came on purpose to tell you. Really, I’ve got a head like a sieve. -Poor Mrs. Mack has asked me if I would go as far as Paris with her. A -most unfortunate thing has happened. Her maid’s mother has suddenly -died, and the poor thing naturally wants to go to the funeral. And -so.... - -PENELOPE. - -Mrs. Mack has asked you to go in her maid’s place? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Only for two days, of course. Now, I want to know, dear, tell me -honestly, do you mind? - -PENELOPE. - -I? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Some women are so funny. I thought you mightn’t like the idea of my -going with Dr. O’Farrell as far as Paris, and, of course, we shall be -travelling back together. - -PENELOPE. - -What nonsense! Of course, I’m only too glad. It’ll be so nice for Dickie -to have some one to travel with. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Then that settles it. I like to do everything above board, you know. - -BARLOW. - -[_Seeing the guineas on the desk._] I see you’ve been raking in the -shekels, Dickie. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Oh, that’s my fee. I insisted on paying a fee--I particularly want you -to know that, Penelope--I’m so scrupulous about that sort of thing. - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, but Dickie can’t accept it. [_To_ DICKIE.] You are a grasping old -thing! - -DICKIE. - -I’m sure I didn’t want the money. - -PENELOPE. - -You really must take it back, Ada. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Putting up a defensive hand._] No, I couldn’t really. It’s one of my -principles. - -PENELOPE. - -I know your principles are excellent, but I really shouldn’t like Dickie -to accept a fee for seeing my greatest friend. - - [PENELOPE _takes up the money and gives it to_ MRS. FERGUSSON. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Oh, well, of course, if you take it like that, I don’t know what to do. - -PENELOPE. - -Put it in your purse and say no more about it. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Oh, it’s too good of you. - - [_She puts it in her purse._ DICKIE’S _face falls as he sees his - own money disappearing_. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -And now I must really fly. [_Holding out her hand to_ BARLOW.] Good-bye. -Don’t forget to come and see me, but, remember, I shall expect to hear -all about that little ballet-girl. - -BARLOW. - -[_Delighted to be thought so gay._] You mustn’t ask me to be indiscreet. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_To_ PENELOPE.] Good-bye, dear. - -PENELOPE. - -I’ll come to the door with you. - - [PENELOPE _and_ MRS. FERGUSSON _go out_. - -DICKIE. - -[_Going to the telephone._] I don’t believe you’ve ever known a -ballet-girl in your life. - -BARLOW. - -No, but it pleases women of our class to think one is hand and glove -with persons of that profession. - -DICKIE. - -Central 1234. If they only knew that nine ballet-girls out of ten go -home every night to their children and a husband in the suburbs! I just -want to ring up my broker. Is that you, Robertson? I say, d’you know -anything about a mine called the Johannesburg and New Jerusalem? Rotten? -I thought as much. That’s all, thank you. [_He puts on the receiver--to -himself, acidly._] A hundred and eighty pounds gone bang. - -BARLOW. - -Look here, Dickie, now that you have a moment to spare you might give me -a little professional advice. Of course, I shan’t pay you. - -DICKIE. - -Good Lord! I might as well be a hospital. I’m not even supported by -voluntary contributions. - -BARLOW. - -The fact is, I’ve noticed lately that I’m not so thin as I was. - -DICKIE. - -It can’t have required great perspicacity to notice that. - -BARLOW. - -I’m not asking you for repartee, Dickie, but advice. - -DICKIE. - -You don’t want to bother about a figure at your time of life. - -BARLOW. - -To tell you the truth, I have an inkling that I’ve made something of an -impression on a very charming lady.... - -DICKIE. - -[_Interrupting._] Take my advice and marry her quickly before the -impression wears off. - -BARLOW. - -Strange as it may appear to you, she’s a married woman. - -DICKIE. - -Then don’t hesitate--do a bolt. - -BARLOW. - -What do you mean, Dickie? - -DICKIE. - -My dear Uncle Davenport, I’m young enough to be your son; philandering -with a married woman is the most exaggerated form of amusement that’s -ever been invented. Take care! That’s all I say. Take care! - -BARLOW. - -Why? - -DICKIE. - -She’ll bind you hand and foot, and put a halter round your neck and lead -you about by it. She’ll ask you ten times a day if you love her, and -each time you get up to go away she’ll make a scene to force you to stay -longer. Each time you put on your hat she’ll pin you down to the exact -hour of your next visit. - -BARLOW. - -But all women do that. It only shows that they like you. - -DICKIE. - -Yes, I suppose all women do that--except Pen. Pen never bothers. She -never asks you if you love her. She never keeps you when you want to -get away. She never insists on knowing all your movements. And when you -leave her she never asks that fatal, fiendish question, at what time -will you be back? - -BARLOW. - -Well, my boy, if my wife were as indifferent to me as that, I should ask -myself who the other feller was. - -DICKIE. - -What the dickens do you mean by that? - -BARLOW. - -My dear Dickie, it’s woman’s nature to be exacting. If she’s in love -with you she’s always a nuisance, and a very charming nuisance too, to -my mind. I like it. - -DICKIE. - -You are not suggesting that Penelope.... - -BARLOW. - -Now, my dear boy, I didn’t come to talk to you about Penelope, but about -my own health. - -DICKIE. - -[_Impatiently._] Oh, you’ve got chronic adiposity. That’s all that’s the -matter with you. - -BARLOW. - -Good gracious me, that sounds very alarming. And what shall I do for -it? - -DICKIE. - -[_Savagely, very quickly._] Give up wines, spirits and liqueurs, bread, -butter, milk, cream, sugar, potatoes, carrots, cauliflowers, peas, -turnips, rice, sago, tapioca, macaroni, jam, honey, and marmalade. - -BARLOW. - -But that’s not treatment, that’s homicide! - -DICKIE. - -[_Taking no notice._] Put on a sweater and run round the park every -morning before breakfast. Let’s have a look at your liver. - -BARLOW. - -But, my dear Dickie.... - -DICKIE. - -Lie down on that sofa. Now don’t make a fuss about it. I’m not going to -kill you. [BARLOW _lies down_.] Put your knees up. - -BARLOW. - -[_As_ DICKIE _feels his liver_.] She’s a fine, dashing woman. There’s no -doubt about that. - -DICKIE. - -Let yourself go quite loose. Who’s a fine, dashing woman? - -BARLOW. - -Mrs. Fergusson. - - [DICKIE _starts. He gives_ BARLOW _a look, and then walks away, - open-mouthed_. - -BARLOW. - -Dickie, Dickie. - - [_Much alarmed he gets off the sofa._ - -BARLOW. - -Is my liver very wrong? - -DICKIE. - -[_Completely abstracted._] It’s in a beastly state. I thought it would -be. - -BARLOW. - -[_In tragic tones._] Richard, tell me the worst at once. - -DICKIE. - -[_Impatiently._] Don’t be such an old donkey. Your liver’s as right as -mine is. There’s nothing the matter with you except that you do yourself -too well, and don’t take enough exercise. - -BARLOW. - -[_With unction._] I suppose one has to pay for being the most popular -diner-out of one’s time. - -DICKIE. - -[_Looking at him sharply._] Is it on Mrs. Fergusson that you’ve made -something of an impression? - -BARLOW. - -[_With great self-satisfaction._] My dear fellow, I am the last man to -give a woman away. - -DICKIE. - -Ah! - -BARLOW. - -Between ourselves, Dickie, do you think Mrs. Fergusson would find it -peculiar if I asked her to lunch with me _tête-à-tête_ at the Carlton? - -DICKIE. - -Peculiar! She’d jump at it. - -BARLOW. - -Do you think her husband would mind? - -DICKIE. - -Oh, her husband’s all right. He keeps on bravely serving his country in -a foreign land. - -BARLOW. - -It shows that she has a nice nature, or she wouldn’t have come to ask -Penelope if she minded your going to Paris together. - -DICKIE. - -Yes, she has a charming nature. - -BARLOW. - -Lucky dog, I wish I were going to Paris with her. - -DICKIE. - -[_Fervently._] I wish you were. - -BARLOW. - -Ha, ha. Well, well, I must be running away. I’m dining out as usual. -These good duchesses, they will not leave me alone. Good-bye. - - [_He goes out._ DICKIE _walks up and down the room thinking. In a - moment_ PENELOPE _puts her head in_. - -PENELOPE. - -I say, darling, oughtn’t you to be packing? - -DICKIE. - -Come in and let’s smoke a cigarette together. - -PENELOPE. - -All right. - - [_She takes a cigarette, which he lights for her._ - -PENELOPE. - -I hope you’ll have a splendid time in Paris. - - [_She sits down._ - -DICKIE. - -You never sit on the arm of my chair as you used to. - -PENELOPE. - -I’m horribly afraid I’m growing middle-aged. I’ve discovered how much -more comfortable it is to have a chair of my own. - -DICKIE. - -[_Trying to hide a slight embarrassment._] Weren’t you rather surprised -when Mrs. Fergusson told you she was going to Paris to-night? - -PENELOPE. - -Surprised? - - [PENELOPE _gives a little gurgle, tries to stifle it but cannot, - then, giving way, bursts into peal upon peal of laughter_. DICKIE - _watches her with increasing astonishment_. - -DICKIE. - -What on earth are you laughing at? - -PENELOPE. - -[_Bubbling over._] Darling, you must think me an old silly. Of course, I -knew you were going together. - -DICKIE. - -[_Thoroughly startled._] I don’t know what you’re talking about. - -PENELOPE. - -I have tried not to see anything, but you do make it so difficult. - -DICKIE. - -[_Making up his mind to be very haughty._] Will you have the goodness to -explain yourself? - -PENELOPE. - -My dear, of course I know all about it. - -DICKIE. - -I entirely fail to gather your meaning. What do you know all about? - -PENELOPE. - -About you and Ada, silly. - -DICKIE. - -[_Very haughtily._] Penelope, do you mean to say you suspect me of ...? - -PENELOPE. - -[_With an affectionate smile._] Darling! - -DICKIE. - -[_Suddenly alarmed._] What d’you know? - -PENELOPE. - -Everything. - - [_He gives a gasp and looks at_ PENELOPE _anxiously_. - -PENELOPE. - -I’ve been so amused to watch you during the last two months. - -DICKIE. - -Amused? - -PENELOPE. - -Upon my word, it’s been as good as a play. - -DICKIE. - -[_Quite at a loss._] Have you known all along? - -PENELOPE. - -My dear, didn’t you see that I did everything in the world to throw you -together? - -DICKIE. - -But I assure you there’s not a word of truth in it. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Good-humouredly._] Come, come, Dickie! - -DICKIE. - -But why haven’t you said anything? - -PENELOPE. - -I thought it would only embarrass you. I didn’t mean to say anything -to-day, but I couldn’t help laughing when you asked me if I was -surprised. - -DICKIE. - -Aren’t you angry? - -PENELOPE. - -Angry? What about? - -DICKIE. - -Aren’t you jealous? - -PENELOPE. - -Jealous? You must think me a little donkey. - -DICKIE. - -You took it as a matter of course? It amused you? It was as good as a -play? - -PENELOPE. - -Darling, we’ve been married for five years. It’s absurd to think there -could be anything between us after all that time. - -DICKIE. - -Oh, is it? I wasn’t aware of that fact. - -PENELOPE. - -The whole thing seemed to me of no importance. I was pleased to think -you were happy. - -DICKIE. - -[_Flying into a passion._] Well, I think it’s positively disgraceful, -Penelope. - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, my dear, don’t exaggerate. It was a harmless peccadillo. - -DICKIE. - -I’m not talking of my behaviour, but of yours. - -PENELOPE. - -Mine? - -DICKIE. - -Yes, scandalous I call it. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Quite disappointed._] And I thought it was so tactful. - -DICKIE. - -Tactful be blowed. You must be entirely devoid of any sense of decency. - -PENELOPE. - -My dear, _I_ haven’t done anything. - -DICKIE. - -That’s just it. You ought to have done something. You ought to have -kicked up a row; you ought to have made scenes; you ought to have -divorced me. But just to sit there and let it go on as if it were -nothing at all! It’s too monstrous. - -PENELOPE. - -I’m awfully sorry. If I’d known you wanted me to make a scene of course -I would have, but really it didn’t seem worth making a fuss about. - -DICKIE. - -I’ve never heard anything so callous, anything so cold-blooded, anything -so cynical. - -PENELOPE. - -You are difficult to please. - -DICKIE. - -But don’t you realise that I’ve treated you abominably. - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, no, you’ve always been the best and most discreet of husbands. - -DICKIE. - -No, I’ve been a bad husband. I’m man enough to acknowledge it. And I -mean to turn over a new leaf, Penelope; I will give Ada up. I promise -you never to see her again. - -PENELOPE. - -Darling, why should you cause her needless pain? After all, she’s an old -friend of mine. I think the least I can expect is that you should treat -her nicely. - -DICKIE. - -D’you mean to say you want it to go on? - -PENELOPE. - -It’s an arrangement that suits us all three. It amuses you, Ada has some -one to take her about, and I get a lot of new frocks. - -DICKIE. - -Frocks? - -PENELOPE. - -Yes, you see, I’ve been consoling my aching heart by replenishing my -wardrobe. - -DICKIE. - -So you’re willing to sacrifice our whole happiness to your frocks. Oh, -I’ve cherished a viper in my bosom. I may have acted like a perfect -beast, but, hang it all, I do know what’s right and wrong. I have a -moral sense. - -PENELOPE. - -It seems to have displaced your sense of humour. - -DICKIE. - -Do you know that all these weeks I’ve been tortured with remorse? I’ve -told myself every day that I was treating you shamefully, I’ve not had a -moment’s happiness. I’ve lived on a perfect rack. - -PENELOPE. - -It doesn’t seem to have had any serious effect on your health. - -DICKIE. - -And here have you been laughing up your sleeve all the time. It can’t go -on. - -PENELOPE. - -Upon my word, I don’t see why not? - -DICKIE. - -We’ve been mistaken in one another. I’m not the man to stand such a -position with indifference. And I’ve been mistaken in you, Penelope. I -thought you cared for me. - -PENELOPE. - -I dote upon you. - -DICKIE. - -That’s a jolly nice way of showing it. - -PENELOPE. - -That’s just what I thought it was. - -DICKIE. - -You’ve outraged all my better nature. - -PENELOPE. - -Then what do you propose to do? - -DICKIE. - -I’m going to do the only possible thing. Separate. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Hearing voices in the hall._] Here are papa and mamma. They said they -were coming back. - -DICKIE. - -I hope they’ll never find out what a wicked, cruel woman you are. It -would send down their grey hairs in sorrow to the grave. - -PENELOPE. - -But, my dear, they know all about it. - -DICKIE. - -What! Is there any one who doesn’t know? - -PENELOPE. - -We didn’t tell Uncle Davenport. He’s such a man of the world, he has no -sense of humour. - - [PEYTON _comes in to announce the_ GOLIGHTLYS, _then goes out_. - -PEYTON. - -Professor and Mrs. Golightly. - - [_The_ GOLIGHTLYS _come in_. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Kissing_ MRS. GOLIGHTLY.] Well, mother ... Papa, Dickie wants to -separate from me because I won’t divorce him. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -That doesn’t sound very logical. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -What has happened? - -PENELOPE. - -Nothing’s happened. I can’t make out why Dickie’s so cross. - -DICKIE. - -[_Indignantly._] Nothing! - -PENELOPE. - -I didn’t mean to say anything about it, but Dickie found out that we -knew all about his little love affair. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -My dear, how tactless of you! A man likes to keep those things from his -wife. - -DICKIE. - -And d’you know the attitude Penelope takes up? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -She hasn’t been making a scene? - -DICKIE. - -That’s just it. Any woman of feeling would make a scene. There must be -something radically wrong about her, or she would have wept and stamped -and torn her hair. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Mildly._] Oh, my dear boy, don’t you exaggerate the enormity of your -offence? - -DICKIE. - -There are no excuses for me. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -It was a mere trifle. It would show a lamentable want of humour in -Penelope if she took it seriously. - -DICKIE. - -D’you mean to say you agree with her? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -My dear fellow, we’re in the twentieth century. - -DICKIE. - -Oh! Mrs. Golightly, you spend your time in converting the heathen. Don’t -you think your own family needs some of your attention? - - [PENELOPE, _unseen by_ DICKIE, _makes a face at_ MRS. GOLIGHTLY - _to induce her to keep up the scene_. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -A long acquaintance with savage races has led me to the conclusion that -man is naturally a polygamous animal. - -DICKIE. - -My brain reels. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -I confess I was relieved to hear it was a married woman. It seems to -make it so much more respectable. - -DICKIE. - -It appears to me I’m the only moral man here. - -PENELOPE. - -Dickie, darling, _I_ haven’t been having an affair with the policeman. - -DICKIE. - -I wish you had. I wouldn’t have treated you like this. - -PENELOPE. - -I thought of it, but I didn’t like the colour of his moustache. - -DICKIE. - -I know I’m to blame. I’ve behaved like a perfect brute. - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, nonsense. - -DICKIE. - -Don’t contradict, Penelope. I’m thoroughly ashamed of myself. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Come, come! - -DICKIE. - -I repeat, there are no excuses for me. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -Poor fellow, he seems quite cut up. - -DICKIE. - -I haven’t a leg to stand on, but, by Jove, I’ve got a moral sense, and I -tell you all that I’m simply outraged. You’re overthrowing the -foundations of society. Whatever I’ve done, I’ve got more respect for -the sanctity of the home and the decencies of family life than all of -you put together. - - [_He flings towards the door, stops, and turns round to shake his - fist at them._ - -DICKIE. - -A moral sense. That’s what I’ve got. - - [_He goes out, slamming the door behind him._ - -PENELOPE. - -[_With a laugh._] Poor darling. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -What on earth made you blurt it all out? - -PENELOPE. - -She came here to-day, and I saw that he was sick to death of her.... -Mamma, you behaved like a heroine of romance. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -I shall never forgive myself for the dreadful things you’ve made me say. - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, yes, you will, mother. Fast an extra day all through next Lent. -It’ll be equally good for your soul and for your figure. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -Penelope! - -PENELOPE. - -[_To_ GOLIGHTLY.] I suddenly felt the moment had come. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Take care. - - [DICKIE _bursts violently into the room_. - -DICKIE. - -I say, what are these two confounded women doing in the hall? - -PENELOPE. - -What women? Oh, I know.... [_She goes to the door._] Please come in. -They’re from Françoise. The Modiste. - - [_The girls come in, laden with hat boxes._ - -PENELOPE. - -You told me I might get a hat or two to console myself for your trip to -Paris. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Very nice of you, Dickie. That shows you haven’t a selfish nature. - - [PENELOPE _makes another face at her mother_. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -You’ve never given me a free hand to buy hats, Charles. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -On the other hand, I’ve never taken little jaunts to Paris without you, -my dear. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -Some women are so lucky in their husbands. - - [_Meanwhile the girls have been taking hats out, and_ PENELOPE - _puts one on. She is perfectly delighted._ - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, isn’t this a dream? [_Looking at the other._] Oh! oh! Did you ever -see anything so lovely? Dickie, you are a dear. I’m so glad you’re going -to Paris. - -DICKIE. - -[_Furiously._] I’m not going to Paris. - -PENELOPE. - -What! - -DICKIE. - -Take all these hats away. - -PENELOPE. - -But Mrs. Mack? - -DICKIE. - -Mrs. Mack can go to the devil. - - [_He seizes the telephone._ - -DICKIE. - -Hulloa, hulloa. Gerrard 1234. Tell Mrs. Fergusson that Mrs. Mack has had -a relapse, and will not be able to go to Paris to-night. - -END OF THE SECOND ACT. - - - - -THE THIRD ACT - - - SCENE: PENELOPE’S _boudoir. It is an attractive room, furnished - with bright-coloured chintzes, and gay with autumn flowers and - great bunches of leaves. There is a large looking-glass. It is a - room to live in, and there are books and magazines scattered about. - Photographs of_ DICKIE _in every imaginable attitude_. - - PEN, _in a ravishing costume, is alone, standing in the middle of - the room. She looks at herself in the glass and turns right round, - smiling with satisfaction. She preens herself. Suddenly she sees - something she does not quite like; she frowns a little, then she - makes a face at herself, solemnly and elaborately curtsies, and - gaily throws herself a kiss._ - - PEYTON _comes in, followed by the_ GOLIGHTLYS. - -PEYTON. - -Professor and Mrs. Golightly. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Stretching out her arms._] Oh, my sainted mother! - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Out of breath._] I’ve never climbed up so many stairs in my life. - -PENELOPE. - -I told Peyton to bring you up here so that no one should come and bother -us. [_With a dramatic gesture._] My noble father! - -GOLIGHTLY. - -My chiyld! - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -Don’t be ridiculous, Pen. - -PENELOPE. - -Sit down, mamma, and get your breath back, because I’m just going to -take it away again. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -It sounds hardly worth while. - -PENELOPE. - -Dickie adores me. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -Is that all? - -PENELOPE. - -But it’s the most surprising, exquisite, wonderful thing in the world, -and I’m in the seventh heaven of delight. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -But has he told you so? - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, no, we’re not on speaking terms at present. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Ah, I suppose you express your mutual affection in dumb show. - -PENELOPE. - -He went out immediately after you left last night, and didn’t come home -till past twelve. I heard him stop at my door, so I huddled myself under -the bed-clothes and pretended to be fast asleep, but I just let my hand -drop carelessly over one side of the bed. Then he gave a tiny little -knock, and as I didn’t answer he came in, and he crept up on tip-toe, -and he looked at me as if--as if he’d like to eat me up. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Penelope, you’re romancing. How on earth could you know that? - -PENELOPE. - -[_Putting her finger at the back of her head._] I saw him through the -back of my head--there. And then he bent down and just touched my hand -with his lips. [_Showing her hand to_ GOLIGHTLY.] Look, that’s where he -kissed it--just on the knuckle. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Gravely looking at her hand._] It seems to have left no mark. - -PENELOPE. - -Don’t be silly. And then he crept softly out again, and I had the first -really good sleep I’ve had for a month. And this morning I had my -breakfast in bed, and when I got up he’d gone out. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -You haven’t seen him to-day at all? - -PENELOPE. - -No, he didn’t come in to luncheon. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -Well, Charles, I’m grateful that you never showed your passion for me by -keeping systematically out of my way. - -PENELOPE. - -But, my dear, it’s so simple. Of course, he’s in a dreadful temper. I’ve -made him feel a perfect fool, and he hates it. But, good heavens! after -five years I know how to deal with him when I’ve hurt his pride. I’ll -just give him a chance of saving his face, and then we’ll fall into one -another’s arms and be happy ever afterwards. - - [GOLIGHTLY, _who has been sitting near a table, draws a sheet of - paper towards him and begins, meditatively, to write_. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -But, darling, don’t waste the precious hours, do it at once. - -PENELOPE. - -No, I’m wiser than that. I’m not going to do anything till Ada Fergusson -is quite disposed of. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -Has anything been seen of her? - -PENELOPE. - -No, but I expect her here every minute. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -[_With a gasp._] Here? - -PENELOPE. - -She rang up last night and spoke [_imitating a man’s tones_] in a deep -voice, like this, so that I shouldn’t recognise her. She asked if Dickie -was at home, and I said he wasn’t. [_Imitating the man’s voice again._] -Will you ask him to ring up Mrs. Mack as soon as he comes back? Oh! I -said, I think he’s been at Mrs. Mack’s all the evening, and I rang off -quickly. And this morning I just took the receiver off, and I think by -now Ada must be in a pretty temper. - - [_She catches sight of_ GOLIGHTLY _and goes up to look at what he - is writing_. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Tapping the table sharply with her open hand._] Two and two don’t make -five, father. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -I never said they did, darling. - -PENELOPE. - -Then why are you writing it down? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -You seem to think they do, my dear; and I have the highest respect for -your intelligence. - -PENELOPE. - -Mamma, if you thought it absolutely necessary to provide a father for -your offspring, I wish you had chosen one who wasn’t quite so -irritating. - - [GOLIGHTLY _does not answer, but quietly adds two and two - together_. PENELOPE _watches him for a moment_. - -PENELOPE. - -D’you think I’m a perfect fool, father? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Yes, my dear. - -PENELOPE. - -Why? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -You’re preparing for Dickie once more an uninterrupted diet of -strawberry ices. - - [PENELOPE _goes up to her father and sits down opposite to him. She - takes the pencil out of his hand._ - -PENELOPE. - -Put that down, father, and tell me what you’re talking about. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Joining his hands and leaning back in his chair._] How are you going -to keep your husband’s love now you have got it back? - -PENELOPE. - -[_With a nod and a smile._] I’m never going to bore him with -demonstrations of affection. I’m never going to ask him if he loves me. -And when he goes out I’m never going to inquire at what time he’ll be -back. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Calmly._] And what will you do when the next pretty little grass-widow -throws herself at his head? - -PENELOPE. - -[_Rather outraged at the mere thought._] I hope he’ll duck and dodge -her. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_With a deprecating shrug of the shoulders._] Your mother, from her -unrivalled knowledge of heathen races, has told you that man is -naturally a polygamous animal. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -I shall never forgive myself. - -PENELOPE. - -Do you mean to say I’m to expect Dickie to have flirtations with half a -dozen different women? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -I only see one way to avoid it. - -PENELOPE. - -And what is that? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Be half a dozen different women yourself. - -PENELOPE. - -It sounds dreadfully exhausting. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Remember that man is by nature a hunter. But how the dickens can he -pursue if you’re always flinging yourself in his arms? Even the barndoor -hen gives her lawful mate a run for his money. - - [PENELOPE _looks from her father to her mother. She gives a little - sigh._ - -PENELOPE. - -It was so easy for me to love, honour, and obey him, and so delightful. -It never struck me that I ought to keep watch over my feelings. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -We all strive for happiness, but what would happiness be if it clung to -us like a poor relation? - -PENELOPE. - -[_Nodding her head._] Strawberry ice for breakfast, strawberry ice for -luncheon, and strawberry ice for tea. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Put a Rembrandt on your walls, and in a week you’ll pass it without a -glance. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Pulling out deprecating hands._] Papa, don’t batter me with metaphors. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_With a smile._] Well, you made your love too cheap, my dear. You -should have let your husband beg for it, and you made it a drug in the -market. Dole out your riches. Make yourself a fortress that must be -freshly stormed each day. Let him never know that he has all your heart. -He must think always that at the bottom of your soul there is a jewel of -great price that is beyond his reach. - -PENELOPE. - -Do you mean to say that I must be always on my guard? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -A wise woman never lets her husband be quite, quite sure of her. The -moment he is--[_with a shrug of the shoulders_]--Cupid puts on a top-hat -and becomes a churchwarden. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Huskily._] D’you think it’s worth all that? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -That is a question only you can answer. - -PENELOPE. - -I suppose you mean it depends on how much I love Dickie. [_A pause. -Tremulously._] I love him with all my heart, and if I can keep his love -everything is worth while. [_She rests her face on her hands, and looks -straight in front of her. Her voice is filled with tears._] But, oh, -father, why can’t we go back to the beginning when we loved one another -without a thought of wisdom or prudence? That was the real love. Why -couldn’t it last? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Tenderly._] Because you and Dickie are man and woman, my dear. - -PENELOPE. - -[_With a flash of her old spirit._] But my friends have husbands, and -they don’t philander with every pretty woman they meet. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Scylla and Charybdis. The price they pay is satiety. Would you rather -have the placid indifference of nine couples out of ten, or at the cost -of a little trouble and a little common sense keep Dickie loving you -passionately to the end of his days? - -PENELOPE. - -[_With a roguish twinkle._] You and mamma show no signs of being bored -to death with one another. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Your sainted mother has been systematically unfaithful to me for twenty -years. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -Charles! - -GOLIGHTLY. - -She has had an affair with the Additional Curates’ Society, and an -intrigue with the English Church Mission. She has flirted with Christian -Science, made eyes at Homœopathy, and her relations with -vegetarianism have left a distinct mark on her figure. How could I help -adoring a woman so depraved? - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Good-humouredly._] It’s monstrous of you to reproach me, Charles, when -you have conducted for years a harem of algebraical symbols. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Lifting up her hands in mock horror._] And to think that I never knew -how immoral my parents were! - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Patting his wife’s hand._] I think we must be the lucky ones, dear. -We’ve been married for twenty years.... - -PENELOPE. - -[_Interrupting._] Make it a quarter of a century, father. I really can’t -pass for less than twenty-four. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_To his wife._] And we seem to have got on pretty well, don’t we? - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Affectionately._] You’ve been very good to me, Charles, dear. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -We’ve clomb the hill together.... - -PENELOPE. - -Sh! sh! sh! I cannot allow my parents to flirt in my presence. I never -heard of such a thing. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -We tender our apologies. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Hearing a sound._] Listen. There’s Dickie. Father, quickly--what must -I do to make him love me always? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -In two words, lead him a devil of a life. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Ruefully._] If you only knew how I want to fly into his arms and -forget the wretched past! - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Don’t, but tell him you’re going for a motor trip. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Her face falling._] Supposing he lets me go? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -My dear, a merciful providence has given you roguish eyes and a sharp -tongue. Make use of them. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -Charles, I shall be thankful when you return to your mathematics. The -morals of that hussy X are already so bad that you can’t make _them_ -much worse. - -PENELOPE. - -The fact is, papa, that as a guide for the young you have rather -advanced views. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_With a grotesque, dramatic flourish._] Ungrateful child! And I, like -the pelican, have offered you my very heart to dine on. - - [DICKIE _comes in. He is a little embarrassed and uncomfortable._ - -DICKIE. - -May I come in? - -PENELOPE. - -Yes, do! - -DICKIE. - -[_Nodding to the_ GOLIGHTLYS.] How d’you do? - -GOLIGHTLY. - -[_To his wife._] Are you ready? - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -[_Getting up._] Yes. - -DICKIE. - -I hope I’m not driving you away. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Oh no, we only came in for ten minutes to say good-bye to Penelope. - - [DICKIE, _rather puzzled at this, gives_ PENELOPE _a quick look_. - -DICKIE. - -Are you ...? [_He stops._] - -GOLIGHTLY. - -I hope you’ll enjoy yourself, dear. - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, I’m sure I shall. - -MRS. GOLIGHTLY. - -Good-bye, darling. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Kissing her mother._] Good-bye. - - [_She goes to the bell and rings it._ - -GOLIGHTLY. - -We can find our way out. Don’t bother about Peyton. - -PENELOPE. - -I want to speak to her. - -GOLIGHTLY. - -Oh, I see. [_Nodding to_ DICKIE.] Good-bye. - - [_The_ GOLIGHTLYS _go out_. PENELOPE, _with a slight smile, lies - down on the sofa and takes up a magazine. She pays no attention to_ - DICKIE. _He gives her a sidelong glance and arranges his tie in the - glass._ PEYTON _comes in_. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Looking up from her magazine._] Oh, Peyton, you might pack up some -things for me in that little flat portmanteau of the doctor’s. Put my -green charmeuse in. - -PEYTON. - -Very well, ma’am. - -PENELOPE. - -You can call a cab in half an hour. - -PEYTON. - -Very well, ma’am. - - [_Exit._ - -DICKIE. - -Are you going away? - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, yes, didn’t I tell you? - -DICKIE. - -[_Stiffly._] No. - -PENELOPE. - -How stupid of me! You see, I was expecting you to spend two or three -days in Paris with Ada, and I arranged to motor down to Cornwall with -the Hendersons. - -DICKIE. - -But I gave up the trip to Paris so as not to annoy you. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Smiling._] It wouldn’t have annoyed me a bit, darling. - -DICKIE. - -It ought to have annoyed you. - -PENELOPE. - -In any case I’m afraid I can’t throw the Hendersons over. They’ve made -up a little _partie carrée_ so that we can play bridge in the evenings. - - [DICKIE _goes up to_ PEN _and sits on the sofa beside her_. - -DICKIE. - -Look here, Pen, let’s make it up. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Quite pleasantly._] But we haven’t quarrelled, have we? - -DICKIE. - -[_With a smile._] I don’t know whether I want to shake you or hug you. - -PENELOPE. - -Well, if I were you, I’d do neither. - -DICKIE. - -[_Taking her hands._] Pen, I want to talk seriously to you. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Releasing them, with a look at the clock._] Have you time? - -DICKIE. - -What on earth d’you mean? - -PENELOPE. - -You generally start off for Mrs. Mack’s about now. - - [DICKIE _gets up and walks up and down the room_. - -DICKIE. - -[_Resolutely._] Mrs. Mack’s dead. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Jumping off the sofa._] Dead! When’s the funeral? - -DICKIE. - -The date hasn’t been settled yet. - -PENELOPE. - -Well, now you’ll be able to send in your bill. - -DICKIE. - -[_Nervously._] Pen, Mrs. Mack never existed. - -PENELOPE. - -[_With a smile._] I never thought she did, darling. - -DICKIE. - -What! - - [PENELOPE _giggles_. - -DICKIE. - -D’you mean to say you knew all the time that I’d invented her? - -PENELOPE. - -I thought it was very nice of you to make up a plausible excuse for -being away so much. - -DICKIE. - -Then, when you bought all those things because I was making such a pot -of money, you were just pulling my leg. - -PENELOPE. - -[_With a smile._] Well.... - - [DICKIE _suddenly bursts into a shout of laughter_. - -DICKIE. - -[_When he recovers._] I say, you have scored us off. Upon my soul, you -are a wonderful little woman. I can’t think how I ever saw anything in -Ada Fergusson. - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, but I think she’s charming. - -DICKIE. - -What nonsense! You know you don’t. If you only knew the life she led me! - -PENELOPE. - -I suppose she often asked you if you really loved her? - -DICKIE. - -Ten times a day. - -PENELOPE. - -And when you left her, did she want to know exactly at what time you’d -come back? - -DICKIE. - -How did you know? - -PENELOPE. - -I guessed it. - -DICKIE. - -[_Going towards her as if to take her in his arms._] Oh, Pen, let’s -forget and forgive. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Getting out of his way._] There’s nothing to forgive, darling. - -DICKIE. - -[_Making a step towards her._] I suppose you want me to eat the -dust.... I have behaved like a perfect brute. I’m awfully sorry, and -I’ll never do it again. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Eluding him as though by accident._] I daresay the game isn’t worth -the candle. - -DICKIE. - -[_Trying to intercept her._] Don’t speak of it. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Keeping out of his reach._] And I was under the impression you were -having such a good time. - -DICKIE. - -I was feeling awfully conscience-stricken. - -PENELOPE. - -That’s where women have such an advantage over men. Their conscience -never strikes them till they’ve lost their figure and their complexion. - -DICKIE. - -[_Stopping._] I say, what are you running round the room for in that -ridiculous fashion? - -PENELOPE. - -I thought we were playing touch-last. - -DICKIE. - -Don’t be a little beast, Pen. You know you love me, and I simply dote -upon you.... I can’t do more than I have done. - -PENELOPE. - -What d’you want me to do? - -DICKIE. - -I want you to kiss and make friends. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Quite good-naturedly._] I think you’re a little previous, aren’t you? - -DICKIE. - -I suppose you’re thinking of Ada Fergusson. - -PENELOPE. - -I confess she hadn’t entirely slipped my mind. - -DICKIE. - -Hang Ada Fergusson! - -PENELOPE. - -I think that’s rather drastic punishment. After all, she did nothing but -succumb to your fatal fascination. - -DICKIE. - -That’s right, put all the blame on me. As if it were men who made the -running on these occasions! I never want to see her again. - -PENELOPE. - -How changeable you are. - -DICKIE. - -[_Going towards her eagerly._] I’m never going to change again. I’ve had -my lesson, and I’m going to be good in future. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Getting a chair between herself and him._] Anyhow, don’t you think -you’d better be off with the old love before you get on with the new? - -DICKIE. - -Yes, but you might help me. - -PENELOPE. - -You don’t want me by any chance to tell Ada Fergusson that you don’t -care for her any more? - -DICKIE. - -It’s a devilish awkward thing to say oneself. - -PENELOPE. - -I can imagine that the best-tempered woman would take it a little -amiss. - -DICKIE. - -I say, can’t you suggest something to help me out? - -PENELOPE. - -[_With a shrug of the shoulders._] My dear, since the days of Ariadne -there’s only been one satisfactory way of consoling a deserted maiden. - -DICKIE. - -[_With a jump._] Uncle Davenport! - -PENELOPE. - -What about Uncle Davenport? - -DICKIE. - -He told me yesterday he thought she was a devilish fine woman. - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, no, Dickie, I’m not going to allow you to sacrifice my only uncle. - -DICKIE. - -I’ll just ring him up and tell him she’s not gone to Paris. - -PENELOPE. - -No, Dickie. No, Dickie. No, Dickie! - -DICKIE. - -[_At the telephone._] Mayfair 7521. I promise you he shall come to no -harm. Before it gets serious we’ll tell him that she’s not a Jones of -Llandudno, but a Jones of Notting Hill Gate. - -PENELOPE. - -[_With a giggle._] I don’t think it’s quite nice what you’re doing. - -DICKIE. - -I think it’s horrid. I shall blame myself very much afterwards. - -PENELOPE. - -With your moral sense too. - -DICKIE. - -Hulloa, can I speak to Mr. Barlow? Hulloa, is that you, Uncle Davenport? -No, I didn’t go to Paris after all. [_With a wink at_ PENELOPE.] Mrs. -Mack had a sudden relapse, and couldn’t be moved. No, Mrs. Fergusson -hasn’t gone either. - - [PEYTON _comes in_. - -PEYTON. - -Mrs. Fergusson is in the drawing-room, ma’am. - -DICKIE. - -[_Speaking down the telephone._] What! Half a minute. Hold on. - -PENELOPE. - -I’ve been expecting her all the afternoon. Ask her if she wouldn’t mind -coming up here. - -PEYTON. - -Very well, ma’am. - - [_Exit._ - -DICKIE. - -I say, there’s no getting out of it. [_At the telephone._] Hulloa. Why -don’t you come round? Mrs. Fergusson is calling on Pen, and you can -arrange about your luncheon party then.... All right. Good-bye.... I -say, I’m going to bolt. - -PENELOPE. - -You coward! - -DICKIE. - -[_Pretending to be very dignified._] I’m not a coward, Penelope. I shall -be back in two minutes. But I’m thirsty, and I’m going to have a brandy -and soda. - - [_He bends down to kiss her, but she moves away._ - -DICKIE. - -I say, hang it all, you needn’t grudge me one kiss. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Smiling._] Wait till you’re off with the old love, my friend. - -DICKIE. - -I think it’s a bit thick that a man shouldn’t be allowed to embrace the -wife of his bosom. - -PENELOPE. - -You shall afterwards, if you’re good. - -DICKIE. - -I say, she’s just coming. What a blessing this room has two doors! - - [_He goes out._ PENELOPE _gets up, looks at herself in the glass, - arranges a stray lock of hair, and powders her nose_. ADA FERGUSSON - _comes in_. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Kissing her effusively._] Dearest ... I hope you don’t mind being -dragged up here. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Of course not. I like this room. I always think it’s just the place for -a heart-to-heart talk. - -PENELOPE. - -How nice you’re looking! - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -D’you like my frock? - -PENELOPE. - -I always think it suits you so well. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Acidly._] It is the first time I have put it on. - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, then I suppose I’ve seen one just like it on other people. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -You’ll think I’m coming here a great deal, dearest. - -PENELOPE. - -You know that Dickie and I are always glad to see you. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Is Dr. O’Farrell at home? I wanted to ask him something about the -medicine he prescribed for me yesterday. - -PENELOPE. - -Now don’t say you’ve come to see Dickie. I was hoping you’d come to see -me. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I wanted to kill two birds with one stone. - -PENELOPE. - -That is a feat of marksmanship which always gives one satisfaction. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I forget if you said that Dr. O’Farrell was at home. - -PENELOPE. - -You know, I think you must be the only person who’s known him ten -minutes without calling him Dickie. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I should have no confidence in him as a doctor if I did. - -PENELOPE. - -I never employ him myself. I always go to Dr. Rogers. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -You look as if you had robust health, dearest. - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, I just manage to trip along above ground to save funeral expenses. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Is Dr. O’Farrell quite well? - -PENELOPE. - -Tired. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Wondering why._] Oh? - - [_A slight pause._ - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I suppose you haven’t the least idea when he’ll be home? - -PENELOPE. - -I didn’t know he was out. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Oh, I beg your pardon. I thought you said he was out. - -PENELOPE. - -No. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I must have misunderstood you. - -PENELOPE. - -I think he’s lying down. You see he was with poor Mrs. Mack till twelve -o’clock last night. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_With a slight start._] Was he? - -PENELOPE. - -It’s so bad that she should have had a relapse when she seemed to be -going on so well. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Puzzled, but trying not to show it._] I was more distressed than I can -say. - -PENELOPE. - -And it must have been so inconvenient for you after you’d made all your -arrangements for going to Paris. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Oh, of course, I didn’t think of my convenience at all. - -PENELOPE. - -Dickie says the way you’ve nursed her is beyond all praise. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I think in this life we ought to do what we can for one another. I only -did my duty. - -PENELOPE. - -So few of us do that. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -When I think of my husband bravely serving his country in a foreign -land, I feel that I ought to do anything I can to help others. - - [PENELOPE _meditatively winks to herself_. - -PENELOPE. - -Were you there at the end? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Astounded._] What end? - -PENELOPE. - -You don’t mean to say you don’t know? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Penelope, I haven’t an idea what you’re talking about. - -PENELOPE. - -But Dickie was with Mrs. Mack all this morning. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -That’s absurd. - -PENELOPE. - -I wonder you weren’t sent for. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -But.... - - [_She is speechless with anger and amazement._ - -PENELOPE. - -Then you really don’t know? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Desperately._] I know nothing. - -PENELOPE. - -My poor, dear Ada. I’m distracted that I should have to give you this -bitter, bitter blow. Mrs. Mack is--dead. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Dead! - -PENELOPE. - -She died in Dickie’s arms, thanking him for all he’d done for her. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Impossible! - -PENELOPE. - -I don’t wonder you say that. She was quite frisky a day or two ago.... -Sit down, dear. You’re quite upset. You were very fond of her, weren’t -you? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Dead! - -PENELOPE. - -Why don’t you have a good cry? Can’t you find your handkerchief? Take -this. It’s very sad, isn’t it? And after all you’d done for her? - - [MRS. FERGUSSON _dabs her eyes with the handkerchief_. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Forcing herself to be natural._] It’s a great blow. - -PENELOPE. - -Oh, I know. I feel for you, dear. Dickie was devoted to her. He said -he’d never had such a patient. [_Putting her handkerchief to her own -eyes._] She died, with a smile on her lips, mentioning her dead -husband’s name. Dickie was so moved, he couldn’t eat any lunch, poor -boy; and we’re going to have a new landaulette. - - [DICKIE _comes in and stops at the door for a moment as he sees the - two women apparently in tears_. - -DICKIE. - -I say, what’s up? - -PENELOPE. - -[_With a sob._] I’ve just broken the news to poor Ada. - -DICKIE. - -What news? - -PENELOPE. - -She didn’t know that Mrs. Mack was--no more. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Trying to conceal her rage and mystification._] I certainly didn’t! - -PENELOPE. - -You ought to have let her know, Dickie. She would have liked to be--in -at the death. - -DICKIE. - -I wanted to spare you. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -It’s too kind of you. - -PENELOPE. - -I knew that was it. Dickie has such a kind heart. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_With restrained anger._] I have already noticed it. - -PENELOPE. - -[_To her husband._] And you were so fond of her, weren’t you? - -DICKIE. - -I looked upon her as a real friend. - -PENELOPE. - -I’ve told Ada that she expired in your arms, darling. - -DICKIE. - -With a smile on her lips. - -PENELOPE. - -That’s just what I said. Murmuring the name of her husband, who’d been -dead for forty years. What did you say the name was, Dickie? - -DICKIE. - -Walker, darling. - -PENELOPE. - -Tell Ada more. She wants to hear the details. - -DICKIE. - -She asked to be remembered to you. She sent her love to your husband. - -PENELOPE. - -She seems to have thought of everything. You must go to the funeral, -Dickie. - -DICKIE. - -Yes; I should like to show her that sign of respect. - -PENELOPE. - -[_To_ MRS. FERGUSSON.] Wouldn’t you like a glass of sherry, dearest? I -can see you’re quite upset. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -The--news has taken me by surprise. - -PENELOPE. - -To tell you the truth, I expected it last night. But I quite understand -your emotion. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I’m so much obliged for your sympathy. - -PENELOPE. - -I’m going to get you some sherry myself. - -DICKIE. - -Oh, let me. - -PENELOPE. - -No, stay with Ada, darling. You have such a way with you when one’s in -trouble. - -DICKIE. - -[_Edging off._] On an occasion like this a woman wants another woman -with her. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Preventing him from moving._] No, you know just the right thing to -say. I shall never forget how charming you were when our last cook gave -notice. - - [_She goes out._ MRS. FERGUSSON _springs to her feet_. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Now! - -DICKIE. - -Good heavens! You made me positively jump. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -What does all this mean? - -DICKIE. - -It means that Mrs. Mack, like the rest of us, is mortal. The funeral -takes place the day after to-morrow at Kensal Green. Friends kindly -accept this the only intimation. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -How can Mrs. Mack be dead? You know just as well as I do that she never -existed. - -DICKIE. - -Upon my word, I’m beginning to be not quite certain. I’ve talked about -her so much that she seems much more real than--than my bank balance, -for instance. And I could write a beautiful article for the _Lancet_ on -the case. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Furiously._] Oh! - -DICKIE. - -After all, she did have a rotten time of it, poor old lady. Operation -after operation. Life wasn’t worth living. She was bound to die. And I -call it a jolly happy release. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Where were you last night? - -DICKIE. - -I was at Mrs. Mack’s--no, of course, I wasn’t. I’m so used to saying -that that it slips out quite naturally. I’m awfully sorry. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -How can you tell me such lies? - -DICKIE. - -I don’t know. I suppose it’s growing into a habit. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I recommend you to keep them for Penelope. - -DICKIE. - -I suppose you think, then, they don’t matter? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Oh, she’s your wife. That’s quite another story. - -DICKIE. - -I see. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -What d’you mean by saying, I see? - -DICKIE. - -It was the only reply I could think of at the moment. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I’m sure you meant something by it. - - [PEYTON _comes in with a tray on which are two wine glasses and a - decanter. They keep silence till she has gone out._ - -DICKIE. - -Have a glass of sherry, will you? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -No. - -DICKIE. - -Well, I think I will if you don’t mind. [_He pours himself out a -glass._] I have an idea that sherry’s coming into fashion again. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Have you? - -DICKIE. - -I always think I have a knack of making myself pleasant under -difficulties. - - [_He drinks a glass of sherry to give himself courage._ - -DICKIE. - -Look here, I’ve got something to tell you that I’m afraid you won’t very -much like. I daresay you’ll think me an awful brute, but I’m bound to -say it. [MRS. FERGUSSON _does not answer, and after a moment’s pause he -goes on_.] The fact is, I’m not built the proper way for intrigue. All -these lies make me awfully uncomfortable. I don’t like to think I’m -treating Penelope badly. [_Another pause._] I may as well tell you the -whole truth bang out. I’ve discovered that I’m desperately in love with -Penelope. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Calmly._] And? - -DICKIE. - -[_Rather surprised._] And that’s all. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -And how do you imagine that interests me? - -DICKIE. - -[_Quite embarrassed._] I thought--er.... - - [MRS. FERGUSSON _goes into a peal of laughter_. DICKIE, _quite - taken aback, looks at her with astonishment_. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -You haven’t been under the impression that I ever cared for you? - -DICKIE. - -[_Trying to make it out._] No, no. Of course a man’s a conceited ass who -thinks a woman’s in love with him. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -You amused me when I first met you, but you’ve long ceased to do that. - -DICKIE. - -It’s kind of you to say so. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -It was convenient to have some one to do things for me. I’m a womanly -woman and.... - -DICKIE. - -You don’t know your way about. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -For the last month you’ve bored me to extinction. I’ve done everything -in my power to show you except say it right out. - -DICKIE. - -I’m afraid I’ve been very dense. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Dreadfully dense. - -DICKIE. - -But it was good of you to spare my feelings. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_With an amiable smile._] D’you think it would be rude if I described -you in your own words as a conceited ass? - -DICKIE. - -It might make our future acquaintance rather formal. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -There will be no future acquaintance. - -DICKIE. - -Then there’s nothing more to be said. - - [MRS. FERGUSSON _sweeps to the door. She stops._ - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Does Penelope adore you as blindly as when first I met you? - -DICKIE. - -I venture to think she’s as much in love with me as I am with her. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -What have you done with the letters I wrote to you? - -DICKIE. - -I did as we agreed. I burnt them at once. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I didn’t. I kept yours. - -DICKIE. - -I shouldn’t have thought they were interesting enough. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I have an idea that Penelope would find them positively absorbing. - -DICKIE. - -Why don’t you send them to her? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -If you have no objection, I think I will. - -DICKIE. - -They will tell her nothing that she doesn’t know already. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Coming back, startled._] You don’t mean to say you’ve told her? - -DICKIE. - -Of course not. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Well? - -DICKIE. - -She’s known it all along. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Known what? - -DICKIE. - -Everything. From the beginning. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Terrified._] How did she find out? - -DICKIE. - -Heaven only knows. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -It’s a trap! I might have known she wasn’t such a fool as she seemed. -She wants to divorce you, and she’s used me. My husband will never stand -that. - -DICKIE. - -I can imagine that even the most affectionate husband would draw the -line there. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Oh, don’t try and be funny now. - -DICKIE. - -I wasn’t. The funny part is yet to come. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -What? - -DICKIE. - -Well, you needn’t get into a state about it. Penelope’s not going to do -anything. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -But then, why ...? - -DICKIE. - -[_With a shrug of the shoulders._] She doesn’t care a hang. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I don’t understand. - -DICKIE. - -Don’t you? It’s very simple. It’s a matter of no importance. She’s glad -that I’ve been amused. If she only knew how much amusement I’ve got out -of it! She looks upon it in the light of a--of a change of air. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Furiously._] Oh! Oh! Oh! A fortnight’s golf at the seaside, I suppose. - -DICKIE. - -Something like that. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I’d sooner she divorced you. - -DICKIE. - -Thanks, I wouldn’t. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Oh, what a humiliation! I’ve been just a convenience because she had -other fish to fry. How sordid it makes the whole thing! And I was -yearning for romance. I would never have looked at you if I hadn’t -thought she doted on you. - -DICKIE. - -I have an idea that affairs of this sort are only romantic when they -happen to other people. When they happen to yourself--well, sordid’s -just the word. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Suddenly remembering._] And Mrs. Mack? - -DICKIE. - -She’s known all about that too. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -D’you mean that to-day when we ...? - -DICKIE. - -Mingled your tears? I think hers were about as real as yours. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -And she led me on to say one thing after another. - -DICKIE. - -I think she’s been pulling both our legs successfully. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -How on earth am I going to meet her now? - -DICKIE. - -She’ll be all right. She’ll be just as charming as ever. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -You fool! Don’t you see that if she’s charming to me it’s because she -thinks she’s prettier than I am, and cleverer than I am, and more -fascinating than I am? She doesn’t even despise me, she’s indifferent to -me. - - [_She goes to the glass and looks at herself._ - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_Furiously._] A change of air. - - [_The door opens slowly, and_ PENELOPE _comes in. She has changed - into motoring things._ MRS. FERGUSSON _gives a sudden gasp as she - sees her and turns her face away. For a moment_ PENELOPE _stands - still, looking at them reflectively_. DICKIE _aimlessly arranges - things on a table_. - -PENELOPE. - -[_With a faint smile._] I’m not disturbing you, am I? - -DICKIE. - -Er.... - -PENELOPE. - -Yes? - -DICKIE. - -Nothing. - - [_Suddenly, with a sob_, MRS. FERGUSSON _sinks into a chair, and - hiding her face bursts into tears_. PENELOPE _gives her a look of - surprise and goes swiftly up to her. She leans over her, with her - hand on_ MRS. FERGUSSON’S _shoulder_. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Almost tenderly._] What? Real tears? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_In a broken voice._] I feel so ridiculous. - -PENELOPE. - -[_With a little smile, as if she were talking to a child._] Don’t. Don’t -cry. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I look such a perfect fool. - -PENELOPE. - -It’s so tiresome of our little sins to look foolish when they’re found -out, instead of wicked. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I shall never respect myself again. - -PENELOPE. - -Dry your tears, dear. Uncle Davenport has just come, and he wants to -know if it’s respectable to ask you to lunch with him alone. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_With a suspicion of her old manner._] He’s so sympathetic. I’d like to -have a heart-to-heart talk with him. - -PENELOPE. - -You’ll find the Carlton a most suitable place. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Are my eyes red? - -PENELOPE. - -Not a bit. I’ll get you some powder. - - [_She takes the powder-box off a table, and_ MRS. FERGUSSON - _meditatively powders her nose_. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -I like him. He talks of all the duchesses by their Christian names. - - [PEYTON _announces_ BARLOW _and goes out_. - -PEYTON. - -Mr. Davenport Barlow. - - [_As he comes in_, MRS. FERGUSSON _finally and entirely regains her - usual manner_. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Kissing her uncle._] How d’you do? - -BARLOW. - -[_Advancing gallantly to_ MRS. FERGUSSON.] This is a pleasing surprise. -I was under the impression you were in Paris. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -No, poor Mrs. Mack was suddenly taken much worse. - -BARLOW. - -It is my gain. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -It’s too nice of you to say so, but I’m leaving London at once all the -same. - -BARLOW. - -But this is very sudden. What shall we do without you? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -You must blame Dr. O’Farrell. - -DICKIE. - -[_Astonished._] Me? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -He tells me that now I’m quite strong enough for a foreign climate, -and, of course, nothing will induce me to remain an hour away from my -husband if I’m not obliged to. - -BARLOW. - -But I thought he was bravely fighting for his country. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Well, you see, there doesn’t happen to be any fighting for him to do -just now, and he’s taken a very nice house at Malta. And I shall start -to-morrow. - -BARLOW. - -This is more distressing than I can say. And are you going straight -through? - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -No, I shall stop a day or two in Paris on my way. - -BARLOW. - -How very singular! I had made all arrangements to go to Paris to-morrow -myself. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -Then would you mind looking after me on the journey? You see, I’m a -womanly woman, and I’m quite helpless in the train by myself. - -BARLOW. - -I should look upon it as a privilege. And perhaps we might go to one or -two plays while you’re there. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -If you’ll promise not to take me to anything risky. - -BARLOW. - -Ha, ha, ha. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_To_ PENELOPE.] Well, dear, I must say good-bye to you. I’m afraid we -shan’t meet again for some time. - -PENELOPE. - -Good-bye. - - [_They kiss one another affectionately._ - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_To_ DICKIE.] Good-bye. If you hear of anything good on the Stock -Exchange, you might let me know. I think I shall cut my loss on -Johannesburg and New Jerusalems. - -DICKIE. - -I would. - -MRS. FERGUSSON. - -[_To_ BARLOW.] I have a cab downstairs. Can I give you a lift anywhere? - -BARLOW. - -It would be very kind of you. - - [_With a nod to_ DICKIE _she goes out_. - -BARLOW. - -[_Shaking hands with_ PENELOPE.] Charming creature. So dashing and a -thorough gentlewoman. - -PENELOPE. - -Now, mind, Uncle Davenport, no pranks. - -BARLOW. - -My dear, I’m not only the soul of honour, but fifty-two. - - [_Exit._ - -PENELOPE. - -[_As he goes out._] I suppose that does induce a platonic state of mind. - -DICKIE. - -[_With a sigh of relief._] Ouf! - - [PENELOPE _turns to a glass to arrange her hat_. DICKIE _watches - her with a smile_. - -Well? - -PENELOPE. - -[_Pretending to be surprised._] I beg your pardon? - -DICKIE. - -You promised to kiss me. - -PENELOPE. - -I didn’t. I promised to allow myself to be kissed. - -DICKIE. - -[_Taking her in his arms and kissing her._] You little beast. - -PENELOPE. - -Finished? - -DICKIE. - -Not nearly. - -PENELOPE. - -Then I’m afraid you must go on another time. I’ve got a taxi at the -door, and it’s costing twopence a minute. - -DICKIE. - -[_Stepping back._] What d’you want a taxi for? - -PENELOPE. - -[_With a laugh._] I thought that would chill your ardour. - -DICKIE. - -You’re not going on that beastly motor trip now? - -PENELOPE. - -Why on earth not? - -DICKIE. - -[_Half injured, half surprised._] Pen! - -PENELOPE. - -[_Looking at the watch on her wrist._] Good gracious, I’m keeping them -waiting. - -DICKIE. - -[_Taking both her hands._] Now don’t tease me. Go and take those horrid -motor things off, and let’s have a comfortable little tea together. And -tell Peyton you’re not at home. - -PENELOPE. - -I’m dreadfully sorry to disappoint you, but I’m afraid I can’t break an -engagement. - -DICKIE. - -You’re not serious? - -PENELOPE. - -Abnormally. - -DICKIE. - -But, Pen dear, everything’s different now. Don’t you know that I love -you? - -PENELOPE. - -It’s very nice of you to say so. - -DICKIE. - -Doesn’t it mean anything to you? - -PENELOPE. - -Not much. - -DICKIE. - -[_Beginning to be rather perplexed._] But, Pen dear, pull yourself -together. I love you just as much as you love me. - -PENELOPE. - -[_With a little smile._] But what makes you think I love you? - -DICKIE. - -[_Aghast._] You--you don’t mean to say that you don’t care for me any -more? - -PENELOPE. - -[_Judicially._] I--no longer feel that the world is coming to an end -when you go out of the room. - -DICKIE. - -What!... Why don’t you say straight out that you can’t bear the sight of -me? - -PENELOPE. - -Because it wouldn’t be quite true. I like you very well. - -DICKIE. - -Like me! I don’t want you to like me. I want you to love me. - -PENELOPE. - -I wish I could. It would save a lot of bother. - -DICKIE. - -I don’t understand. This is the most extraordinary thing I’ve ever heard -in my life. I always thought you adored me. - -PENELOPE. - -Why? - -DICKIE. - -Because I adore you. - -PENELOPE. - -Since when? - -DICKIE. - -Always, always, always. - -PENELOPE. - -Fancy. - -DICKIE. - -Oh, I know I made a fool of myself. I shall never cease to regret it. -D’you think I was happy? D’you think I had a jolly time? Not much.... I -suppose it’s that. You can’t forgive me? - -PENELOPE. - -Nonsense. Of course I forgive you. It doesn’t matter a bit. - -DICKIE. - -[_With a gesture of desperation._] The whole thing’s Greek to me. I -loved you always, Pen. I never ceased for a moment to love you. - -PENELOPE. - -My dear, you need not protest so much. It doesn’t very much interest me -either way. - -DICKIE. - -What a fool I was! I ought to have known that if you took it so calmly -it could only be because you didn’t care. If a woman doesn’t make scenes -it can only mean that she doesn’t love you.... You used to love me? - -PENELOPE. - -Yes. - -DICKIE. - -How can you be so fickle? I never thought you’d treat me like this. - - [PENELOPE _looks about as if she’d lost something_. - -DICKIE. - -What are you looking for? - -PENELOPE. - -I fancied you’d lost your sense of humour. I was just seeing if I could -find it. - -DICKIE. - -How can I have a sense of humour when I’m suffering? - -PENELOPE. - -[_Starting at the word._] Suffering? - -DICKIE. - -The tortures of the damned. I want you. I want your love. - - [_He does not see_ PENELOPE’S _face. An expression of remorse comes - into it at the pain she is causing him. She outlines a gesture - towards him, but quickly restrains herself._ - -PENELOPE. - -[_With a mocking laugh._] Poor darling. - -DICKIE. - -[_Furiously._] Don’t laugh at me. - -PENELOPE. - -I wasn’t. I was quite sorry for you. - -DICKIE. - -D’you think I want your pity? - -PENELOPE. - -I’m very unfortunate. I seem quite unable to please you. I think it’s -just as well that I’m going away for a week. - -DICKIE. - -[_Starting up._] No, you’re not going away. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Raising her eyebrows._] What makes you think that? - -DICKIE. - -Because I forbid you to. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Smiling._] And are you under the delusion that at your command I shall -fall flat on my face? - -DICKIE. - -I’m the master of this house, and I mean to make myself respected. - -PENELOPE. - -My dear, since you pay the rent and the taxes it’s quite right that you -should rule this house with a rod of iron if you wish it. Personally, at -the moment I only want to get out of it. - -DICKIE. - -You’re not going out of it. - -PENELOPE. - -Do you propose to keep me here against my will? - -DICKIE. - -Certainly, if needful. - -PENELOPE. - -H’m. - - [_She gets up and goes to the door. He intercepts her, locks the - door, and puts the key in his pocket._ - -PENELOPE. - -Brute force. - -DICKIE. - -I think it’s about time I showed you I’m not going to be made a perfect -fool of. - - [PENELOPE _shrugs her shoulders and sits down. Suddenly she - chuckles._ - -DICKIE. - -I don’t see anything to laugh at. - -PENELOPE. - -I do. It’s so mediæval. And are you going to feed me on bread and water? - -DICKIE. - -[_Angrily._] Ugh. [_He looks at her._] Now, look here, Pen, be -reasonable about it. Why the deuce d’you want to go for this stupid -trip? - -PENELOPE. - -I refuse to discuss the matter till you’ve opened the door. - -DICKIE. - -It’s not the time of year for a motor trip. [_Pause._ PENELOPE _looks -straight in front of her, taking no notice of what he says_.] It’ll rain -cats and dogs, and you’ll catch a beastly cold. You’ll probably get -pneumonia. [_Pause._] I’m feeling awfully run down, and I shouldn’t -wonder if I were sickening for something myself. [PENELOPE _smothers a -giggle and continues to stare into vacancy_. DICKIE _breaks out -passionately_.] But don’t you see that if I’m preventing you from going, -it’s because I can’t bear to let you out of my sight? I want you. I want -you always by me. I want you to love me.... Oh, if you only knew how -much I love you, you wouldn’t be so heartless. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Turning to him and speaking quite calmly._] But surely, if you cared -for me, you wouldn’t try to deprive me of a little enjoyment. You’d be -willing to sacrifice yourself sometimes. You’d have a certain regard for -my wishes. You wouldn’t put every absurd obstacle in the way when the -chance offers for me to have some amusement. - - [DICKIE _looks at her for a moment then turns away and walks up and - down, with downcast head. He takes the key out of his pocket and - silently puts it on the table beside her._ - -PENELOPE. - -What does that mean? - -DICKIE. - -[_In a broken voice._] You’re quite right. I’ve simply been beastly -selfish. I was only thinking of myself. I dare say I bore you. Perhaps -you’ll like me better when you’ve been away for a few days. - - [PENELOPE _is so moved that she can hardly keep up her acting any - longer. She struggles with herself, and in a moment masters the - desire to throw herself in his arms._ - -PENELOPE. - -Since you locked the door, perhaps you’ll be good enough to unlock it. - - [_Without a word he takes the key and goes to the door. He unlocks - it._ - -PENELOPE. - -Am I to understand that you offer no objection to my trip? - -DICKIE. - -If it’ll give you pleasure to go, I shall be pleased to think you’re -happy. I only want you to be happy. - -PENELOPE. - -Would you rather I stayed? - -DICKIE. - -No. - - [PENELOPE _gives a slight start. This is not at all what she - wants._ - -PENELOPE. - -Oh! - -DICKIE. - -I don’t know what I shall do without you. I feel as if I were only now -getting to know you. It’s as though--oh, I don’t know how to express it. - -PENELOPE. - -But you’ve just said you would rather I went. - -DICKIE. - -I don’t want to think of myself any more. I want to think only of you. -It makes me so happy to think of you, Pen. I want to sacrifice myself. - -PENELOPE. - -[_Relieved._] Will you go to my room and see if my bag has been taken -down? - - [_He goes out for a moment. She remains with an ecstatic look on - her face. He comes back._ - -DICKIE. - -Yes. Peyton’s taken it. - -PENELOPE. - -Then--[_she gives him a look from beneath her eye-lashes_]--ring and -tell her to bring it up again. - -DICKIE. - -[_Hardly able to believe his good fortune._] Pen! - -PENELOPE. - -Are you pleased? - -DICKIE. - -Oh, you’re much too good to me. I can’t tell you how grateful I am. Oh, -Pen, if you only knew how much I adore you! - - [_He falls on his knees and passionately kisses her hands. She can - hardly restrain herself from lifting him up and flinging her arms - round his neck._ - -DICKIE. - -Is there any chance for me at all? D’you think you’ll ever love me as -you used to? - -PENELOPE. - -How can I tell? - -DICKIE. - -Oh, why can’t we go back to the beginning? D’you remember how we loved -one another then? You used to come down with me every day when I went -out, and when I came back you always ran down to kiss me. And d’you -remember how you used to sit on my chair in the morning while I smoked -my pipe and we read the paper together? - -PENELOPE. - -[_Concealing a smile._] How you must have hated it! - -DICKIE. - -Hate it? I’ve never been so happy in my life. - -PENELOPE. - -At all events I hope we shall always continue to be good friends. - -DICKIE. - -[_Starting up._] Friends! What’s the good of offering me your friendship -when I’m starving for your love? How can you make me so unhappy? - -PENELOPE. - -[_Smiling indulgently._] But I’m not going to make you unhappy. I hope I -shall always be very pleasant and agreeable. - -DICKIE. - -What d’you think I care for that? Pen, promise that you’ll try to love -me? - -PENELOPE. - -[_With a smile._] Yes, I’ll try if you like. - -DICKIE. - -I’ll make you love me. I’ll never rest till I’m sure of your love. - -PENELOPE. - -And when you are sure of it I suppose you won’t care twopence for me any -more? - -DICKIE. - -Try me! Try me! - - [_He kisses her hands again. He does not see her face. She smiles - and shakes her head._ - -DICKIE. - -I never knew that you were so adorable. It fills me with rapture merely -to kiss your hands. - - [PENELOPE _gives a little laugh and releases herself_. - -PENELOPE. - -Now I must just go to the Hendersons and tell them I can’t come -motoring. - -DICKIE. - -Can’t you telephone? I don’t want to let you out of my sight. - -PENELOPE. - -They’re not on the telephone. It’ll be more convenient for me to go. - -DICKIE. - -Very well. If you must, I suppose you must. - - [_She smiles and goes to the door. When she reaches it he stops - her._ - -DICKIE. - -Oh, Pen! - -PENELOPE. - -Yes. - -DICKIE. - -At what time will you be back? - - [_Recognising the phrase, she gives a gesture of amusement, quickly - kisses her hand to him, and slips out of the door._ - - THE END. - - - BALLANTYNE & COMPANY LTD - TAVISTOCK STREET COVENT GARDEN - LONDON - - - - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Penelope, by W. 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