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diff --git a/old/50108-0.txt b/old/50108-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index a771643..0000000 --- a/old/50108-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1791 +0,0 @@ -Project Gutenberg's A Father's Legacy to his Daughters, by John Gregory - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: A Father's Legacy to his Daughters - -Author: John Gregory - -Release Date: October 1, 2015 [EBook #50108] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A FATHER'S LEGACY TO HIS DAUGHTERS *** - - - - -Produced by Clarity and the Online Distributed Proofreading -Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from -images generously made available by The Internet -Archive/American Libraries.) - - - - - - - - - -[Illustration: _To face the Title_ - - _T. Stothard delin._ _R. Cromek sculp. pupil of F. Bartolozzi R.A._ - - RELIGION. - _Published March 1st. 1797, by Cadell and Davies Strand._] - - - - - A - FATHER’S LEGACY - TO - HIS DAUGHTERS. - - _By the late DR. GREGORY, of Edinburgh._ - - A NEW EDITION. - - ILLUSTRATED WITH PLATES. - - LONDON: - - Printed for T. Cadell and W. Davies, Strand; J. - Walker, and Longman, Hurst, Rees, and Orme, - Paternoster Row; Vernor, Hood, and Sharpe, - Poultry; Scatcherd and Letterman, Avemaria - Lane; Lackington, Allen, and Co., Finsbury - Square; B. Crosby, Stationer’s Court; J. Booker, - New Bond Street; and J. Asperne, Cornhill. - - 1808. - - - _Wood & Innes, - Printers, Poppin’s Court, Fleet Street._ - - - - -PREFACE. - - -That the subsequent Letters were written by a tender father, in a -declining state of health, for the instruction of his daughters, and -not intended for the Public, is a circumstance which will recommend -them to every one who considers them in the light of admonition -and advice. In such domestic intercourse, no sacrifices are made -to prejudices, to customs, to fashionable opinions. Paternal love, -paternal care, speak their genuine sentiments, undisguised and -unrestrained. A father’s zeal for his daughter’s improvement in -whatever can make a woman amiable, with a father’s quick apprehension -of the dangers that too often arise, even from the attainment of -that very point, suggest his admonitions, and render him attentive -to a thousand little graces and little decorums, which would escape -the nicest moralist who should undertake the subject on uninterested -speculation. Every faculty is on the alarm, when the objects of such -tender affection are concerned. - -In the writer of these Letters, paternal tenderness and vigilance -were doubled, as he was at that time sole parent; death having before -deprived the young ladies of their excellent mother. His own precarious -state of health inspired him with the most tender solicitude for their -future welfare; and though he might have concluded, that the impression -made by his instruction and uniform example could never be effaced from -the memory of his children, yet his anxiety for their orphan condition -suggested to him this method of continuing to them those advantages. - -The Editor is encouraged to offer this Treatise to the Public, by -the very favourable reception which the rest of his father’s works -have met with. The Comparative View of the State of Man and other -Animals, and the Essay on the Office and Duties of a Physician, have -been very generally read; and if he is not deceived by the partiality -of his friends, he has reason to believe they have met with general -approbation. - -In some of those tracts the Author’s object was to improve the taste -and understanding of his reader; in others, to mend his heart; in -others, to point out to him the proper use of philosophy, by showing -its application to the duties of common life. In all his writings his -chief view was the good of his fellow-creatures; and those among his -friends, in whose taste and judgement he most confided, think the -publication of this small work will contribute to that general design, -and at the same time do honour to his memory, the Editor can no longer -hesitate to comply with their advice in communicating it to the Public. - - - - -A FATHER’S LEGACY TO HIS DAUGHTERS. - - - - -CONTENTS. - - - PAGE - - _Introduction_ 1 - - _Religion_ 11 - - _Conduct and Behaviour_ 31 - - _Amusements_ 55 - - _Friendship, Love, Marriage_ 73 - - - - -INTRODUCTION. - - -MY DEAR GIRLS; - -You had the misfortune to be deprived of your mother, at a time of -life when you were insensible of your loss, and could receive little -benefit, either from her instruction, or her example.--Before this -comes to your hands, you will likewise have lost your father. - -I have had many melancholy reflexions on the forlorn and helpless -situation you must be in, if it should please God to remove me from -you, before you arrive at that period of life, when you will be able -to think and act for yourselves. I know mankind too well. I know their -falsehood, their dissipation, their coldness to all the duties of -friendship and humanity. I know the little attention paid to helpless -infancy.--You will meet with few friends disinterested enough to do -you good offices, when you are incapable of making them any return, -by contributing to their interest or their pleasure, or even to the -gratification of their vanity. - -I have been supported under the gloom naturally arising from these -reflexions, by a reliance on the goodness of that Providence which has -hitherto preserved you, and given me the most pleasing prospect of -the goodness of your dispositions; and by the secret hope that your -mother’s virtues will entail a blessing on her children. - -The anxiety I have for your happiness has made me resolve to throw -together my sentiments relating to your future conduct in life. If I -live for some years, you will receive them with much greater advantage, -suited to your different geniuses and dispositions. If I die sooner, -you must receive them in this very imperfect manner,--the last proof of -my affection. - -You will all remember your father’s fondness, when perhaps every other -circumstance relating to him is forgotten. This remembrance, I hope, -will induce you to give a serious attention to the advices I am now -going to leave with you.--I can request this attention with the greater -confidence, as my sentiments on the most interesting points that regard -life and manners, were entirely correspondent to your mother’s, whose -judgment and taste I trusted much more than my own. - -You must expect that the advices which I shall give you will be very -imperfect, as there are many nameless delicacies, in female manners, -of which none but a woman can judge.--You will have one advantage by -attending to what I am going to leave, with you; you will hear at least -for once in your lives, the genuine sentiments of a man who has no -interest in flattering or deceiving you.--I shall throw my reflexions -together without any studied order; and shall only, to avoid confusion, -range them under a few general heads. - -You will see, in a little Treatise of mine just published, in what an -honourable point of view I have considered your sex; not as domestic -drudges, or the slaves of our pleasures, but as our companions and -equals; as designed to soften our hearts and polish our manners; and, -as Thomson finely says, - - To raise the virtues, animate the bliss, - And sweeten all the toils of human life. - -I shall not repeat what I have there said on this subject, and shall -only observe, that from the view I have given of your natural character -and place in society, there arises a certain propriety of conduct -peculiar to your sex. It is this peculiar propriety of female manners -of which I intend to give you my sentiments, without touching on those -general rules of conduct, by which men and women are equally bound. - -While I explain to you that system of conduct which I think will tend -most to your honour and happiness, I shall, at the same time, endeavour -to point out those virtues and accomplishments which render you most -respectable and most amiable in the eyes of my own sex. - - - - -RELIGION. - - -Though the duties of religion, strictly speaking, are equally binding -on both sexes, yet certain differences in their natural character and -education, render some vices in your sex particularly odious. The -natural hardness of our hearts, and strength of our passions, inflamed -by the uncontrolled licence we are too often indulged with in our -youth, are apt to render our manners more dissolute, and make us less -susceptible of the finer feelings of the heart. Your superior delicacy, -your modesty, and the usual severity of your education, preserve -you, in a great measure, from any temptation to those vices to which -we are most subjected. The natural softness and sensibility of your -dispositions particularly fit you for the practice of those duties -where the heart is chiefly concerned. And this, along with the natural -warmth of your imagination, renders you peculiarly susceptible of the -feelings of devotion. - -There are many circumstances in your situation that peculiarly -require the supports of religion to enable you to act in them with -spirit and propriety. Your whole life is often a life of suffering. You -cannot plunge into business, or dissipate yourselves in pleasure and -riot, as men too often do, when under the pressure of misfortunes. You -must bear your sorrows in silence, unknown and unpitied. You must often -put on a face of serenity and cheerfulness, when your hearts are torn -with anguish, or sinking in despair. Then your only resource is in the -consolations of religion. It is chiefly owing to these, that you bear -domestic misfortunes better than we do. - -But you are sometimes in very different circumstances, that equally -require the restraints of religion. The natural vivacity, and perhaps -the natural vanity of your sex, is very apt to lead you into a -dissipated state of life, that deceives you, under the appearance of -innocent pleasure; but which in reality wastes your spirits, impairs -your health, weakens all the superior faculties of your minds, and -often sullies your reputations. Religion, by checking this dissipation, -and rage for pleasure, enables you to draw more happiness, even from -those very sources of amusement, which, when too frequently applied to, -are often productive of satiety and disgust. - -Religion is rather a matter of sentiment than reasoning. The important -and interesting articles of faith are sufficiently plain. Fix your -attention on these, and do not meddle with controversy. If you get into -that, you plunge into a chaos, from which you will never be able to -extricate yourselves. It spoils the temper, and, I suspect, has no good -effect on the heart. - -Avoid all books, and all conversation, that tend to shake your faith -on those great points of religion, which should serve to regulate your -conduct, and on which your hopes of future and eternal happiness depend. - -Never indulge yourselves in ridicule on religious subjects; nor give -countenance to it in others, by seeming diverted with what they say. -This, to people of good breeding, will be a sufficient check. - -I wish you to go no further than the Scriptures for your religious -opinions. Embrace those you find clearly revealed. Never perplex -yourselves about such as you do not understand, but treat them with -silent and becoming reverence.--I would advise you to read only such -religious books as are addressed to the heart, such as inspire pious -and devout affections, such as are proper to direct you in your -conduct, and not such as tend to entangle you in the endless maze of -opinions and systems. - -Be punctual in the stated performance of your private devotions, -morning and evening. If you have any sensibility or imagination, -this will establish such an intercourse between you and the Supreme -Being, as will be of infinite consequence to you in life. It will -communicate an habitual cheerfulness to your tempers, give a firmness -and steadiness to your virtue, and enable you to go through all the -vicissitudes of human life with propriety and dignity. - -I wish you to be regular in your attendance on public worship, and -in receiving the communion. Allow nothing to interrupt your public or -private devotions, except the performance of some active duty in life, -to which they should always give place.--In your behaviour at public -worship, observe an exemplary attention and gravity. - -That extreme strictness which I recommend to you in these duties, -will be considered by many of your acquaintance as a superstitious -attachment to forms; but in the advices I give you on this and other -subjects, I have an eye to the spirit and manners of the age. There -is a levity and dissipation in the present manners, a coldness and -listlessness in whatever relates to religion, which cannot fail to -infect you, unless you purposely cultivate in your minds a contrary -bias, and make the devotional taste habitual. - -Avoid all grimace and ostentation in your religious duties. They are -the usual cloaks of hypocrisy; at least they show a weak and vain mind. - -Do not make religion a subject of common conversation in mixed -companies. When it is introduced, rather seem to decline it. At the -same time, never suffer any person to insult you by any foolish -ribaldry on your religious opinions, but show the same resentment you -would naturally do on being offered any other personal insult. But the -surest way to avoid this, is by a modest reserve on the subject, and by -using no freedom with others about their religious sentiments. - -Cultivate an enlarged charity for all mankind, however they may differ -from you in their religious opinions. That difference may probably -arise from causes in which you had no share, and from which you can -derive no merit. - -Show your regard to religion, by a distinguishing respect to all -its ministers, of whatever persuasion, who do not by their lives -dishonour their profession: but never allow them the direction of your -consciences, lest they taint you with the narrow spirit of their party. - -The best effect of your religion will be a diffusive humanity to all in -distress.--Set apart a certain proportion of your income as sacred to -charitable purposes. But in this, as well as in the practice of every -other duty, carefully avoid ostentation. Vanity is always defeating -her own purposes. Fame is one of the natural rewards of virtue. Do not -pursue her, and she will follow you. - -Do not confine your charity to giving money. You may have many -opportunities of showing a tender and compassionate spirit where your -money is not wanted.--There is a false and unnatural refinement in -sensibility, which makes some people shun the sight of every object -in distress. Never indulge this, especially where your friends or -acquaintances are concerned. Let the days of their misfortunes, when -the world forgets or avoids them, be the season for you to exercise -your humanity and friendship. The sight of human misery softens -the heart, and makes it better: it checks the pride of health and -prosperity, and the distress it occasions is amply compensated by the -consciousness of doing your duty, and by the secret endearment which -nature has annexed to all our sympathetic sorrows. - -Women are greatly deceived, when they think they recommend themselves -to our sex by their indifference about religion. Even those men who are -themselves unbelievers, dislike infidelity in you. Every man who knows -human nature, connects a religious taste in your sex with softness and -sensibility of heart; at least we always consider the want of it as a -proof of that hard and masculine spirit, which of all your faults we -dislike the most. Besides, men consider your religion as one of their -principal securities for that female virtue in which they are most -interested. If a gentleman pretends an attachment to any of you, and -endeavours to shake your religious principles, be assured he is either -a fool, or has designs on you which he dares not openly avow. - -You will probably wonder at my having educated you in a church -different from my own. The reason was plainly this: I looked on the -difference between our churches to be of no real importance, and that a -preference of one to the other was a mere matter of taste. Your mother -was educated in the church of England, and had an attachment to it, -and I had a prejudice in favour of every thing she liked. It never was -her desire that you should be baptised by a clergyman of the church of -England, or be educated in that church. On the contrary, the delicacy -of her regard to the smallest circumstance that could affect me in the -eye of the world, made her anxiously insist it might be otherwise. But -I could not yield to her in that kind of generosity.--When I lost her, -I became still more determined to educate you in that church, as I feel -a secret pleasure in doing every thing that appears to me to express my -affection and veneration for her memory.--I draw but a very faint and -imperfect picture of what your mother was, while I endeavour to point -out what you should be[A]. - - [A] The reader will remember, that such observations as respect - equally both the sexes, are all along as much as possible - avoided. - - - - -CONDUCT AND BEHAVIOUR. - -[Illustration: To face Page 26. - - _T. Stothard delin._ _R. Slann sculpt._ - - CONDUCT AND BEHAVIOUR. - _Published March 1st. 1797, by Cadell and Davies Strand._] - - -One of the chief beauties in a female character, is that modest -reserve, that retiring delicacy, which avoids the public eye, and is -disconcerted even at the gaze of admiration.--I do not wish you to be -insensible to applause. If you were, you must become, if not worse, at -least less amiable women. But you may be dazzled by that admiration -which yet rejoices your hearts. - -When a girl ceases to blush, she has lost the most powerful charm of -beauty. That extreme sensibility which it indicates may be a weakness -and incumbrance in our sex, as I have too often felt; but in yours it -is peculiarly engaging. Pedants, who think themselves philosophers, -ask why a woman should blush when she is conscious of no crime? It -is a sufficient answer, that nature has made you to blush when you -are guilty of no fault, and has forced us to love you because you do -so.--Blushing is so far from being necessarily an attendant on guilt, -that it is the usual companion of innocence. - -This modesty, which I think so essential in your sex, will naturally -dispose you to be rather silent in company, especially in a large -one.--People of sense and discernment will never mistake such silence -for dulness. One may take a share in conversation without uttering a -syllable. The expression in the countenance shows it, and this never -escapes an observing eye. - -I should be glad that you had an easy dignity in your behaviour at -public places, but not that confident ease, that unabashed countenance, -which seems to set the company at defiance. If, while a gentleman is -speaking to you, one of superior rank addresses you, do not let your -eager attention and visible preference betray the flutter of your -heart. Let your pride on this occasion preserve you from that meanness -into which your vanity would sink you. Consider that you expose -yourselves to the ridicule of the company, and affront one gentleman -only to swell the triumph of another, who perhaps thinks he does you -honour in speaking to you. - -Converse with men even of the first rank with that dignified modesty -which may prevent the approach of the most distant familiarity, and -consequently prevent them from feeling themselves your superiors. - -Wit is the most dangerous talent you can possess. It must be guarded -with great discretion and good-nature, otherwise it will create you -many enemies. Wit is perfectly consistent with softness and delicacy; -yet they are seldom found united. Wit is so flattering to vanity, that -they who possess it become intoxicated, and lose all self-command. - -Humour is a different quality. It will make your company much -solicited; but be cautious how you indulge it.--It is often a great -enemy to delicacy, and a still greater one to dignity of character. It -may sometimes gain you applause, but will never procure you respect. - -Be even cautious in displaying your good sense. It will be thought you -assume a superiority over the rest of the company.--But if you happen -to have any learning, keep it a profound secret, especially from the -men, who generally look with a jealous and malignant eye on a woman of -great parts, and a cultivated understanding. - -A man of real genius and candour is far superior to this meanness. But -such a one will seldom fall in your way; and if by accident he should, -do not be anxious to show the full extent of your knowledge. If he has -any opportunities of seeing you, he will soon discover it himself; -and if you have any advantages of person or manner, and keep your own -secret, he will probably give you credit for a great deal more than you -possess.--The great art of pleasing in conversation consists in making -the company pleased with themselves. You will more readily hear than -talk yourselves into their good graces. - -Beware of detraction, especially where your own sex are concerned. -You are generally accused of being particularly addicted to this -vice--I think, unjustly.--Men are fully as guilty of it when their -interests interfere.--As your interests more frequently clash, and as -your feelings are quicker than ours, your temptations to it are more -frequent. For this reason, be particularly tender of the reputation of -your own sex, especially when they happen to rival you in our regards. -We look on this as the strongest proof of dignity and true greatness of -mind. - -Show a compassionate sympathy to unfortunate women, especially to those -who are rendered so by the villany of men. Indulge a secret pleasure, -I may say pride, in being the friends and refuge of the unhappy, but -without the vanity of showing it. - -Consider every species of indelicacy in conversation, as shameful -in itself, and as highly disgusting to us. All double _entendre_ is -of this sort.--The dissoluteness of men’s education allows them to -be diverted with a kind of wit, which yet they have delicacy enough -to be shocked at, when it comes from your mouths, or even when you -hear it without pain and contempt.--Virgin purity is of that delicate -nature, that it cannot hear certain things without contamination. It -is always in your power to avoid these. No man, but a brute or a fool, -will insult a woman with conversation which he sees gives her pain; -nor will he dare to do it, if she resent the injury with a becoming -spirit.--There is a dignity in conscious virtue which is able to awe -the most shameless and abandoned of men. - -You will be reproached perhaps with prudery. By prudery is usually -meant an affectation of delicacy. Now I do not wish you to affect -delicacy; I wish you to possess it. At any rate, it is better to run -the risk of being thought ridiculous than disgusting. - -The men will complain of your reserve. They will assure you that a -franker behaviour would make you more amiable. But, trust me, they -are not sincere when they tell you so.--I acknowledge, that on some -occasions it might render you more agreeable as companions, but it -would make you less amiable as women;--an important distinction, which -many of your sex are not aware of.--After all, I wish you to have -great ease and openness in your conversation. I only point out some -considerations which ought to regulate your behaviour in that respect. - -Have a sacred regard to truth. Lying is a mean and despicable vice.--I -have known some women of excellent parts, who were so much addicted -to it, that they could not be trusted in the relation of any story, -especially if it contained any thing of the marvellous, or if they -themselves were the heroines of the tale. This weakness did not proceed -from a bad heart, but was merely the effect of vanity, or an unbridled -imagination.--I do not mean to censure that lively embellishment of a -humourous story, which is only intended to promote innocent mirth. - -There is a certain gentleness of spirit and manners extremely engaging -in your sex; not that indiscriminate attention, that unmeaning simper, -which smiles on all alike. This arises either from an affectation of -softness, or from perfect insipidity. - -There is a species of refinement in luxury, just beginning to prevail -among the gentlemen of this country, to which our ladies are yet as -great strangers as any women upon earth; I hope, for the honour of the -sex, they may ever continue so: I mean, the luxury of eating. It is a -despicable selfish vice in men, but in your sex it is beyond expression -indelicate and disgusting. - -Every one who remembers a few years back, is sensible of a very -striking change in the attention and respect formerly paid by the -gentlemen to the ladies. Their ’drawing-rooms are deserted; and after -dinner and supper, the gentlemen are impatient till they retire. -How they came to lose this respect, which nature and politeness so -well entitle them to, I shall not here particularly inquire. The -revolutions of manners in any country depend on causes very various and -complicated. I shall only observe, that the behaviour of the ladies in -the last age was very reserved and stately. It would now be reckoned -ridiculously stiff and formal. Whatever it was, it had certainly the -effect of making them more respected. - -A fine woman, like other fine things in nature, has her proper point -of view, from which she may be seen to most advantage. To fix this -point requires great judgment, and an intimate knowledge of the human -heart. By the present mode of female manners, the ladies seem to expect -that they shall regain their ascendency over us, by the fullest display -of their personal charms, by being always in our eye at public places, -by conversing with us with the same unreserved freedom as we do with -one another; in short, by resembling us as nearly as they possibly -can.--But a little time and experience will show the folly of this -expectation and conduct. - -The power of a fine woman over the hearts of men, of men of the finest -parts, is even beyond what she conceives. They are sensible of the -pleasing illusion, but they cannot, nor do they wish to dissolve it. -But if she is determined to dispel the charm, it certainly is in her -power: she may soon reduce the angel to a very ordinary girl. - -There is a native dignity in ingenuous modesty to be expected in your -sex, which is your natural protection from the familiarities of the -men, and which you should feel previous to the reflexion that it is -your interest to keep yourselves sacred from all personal freedoms. The -many nameless charms and endearments of beauty should be reserved to -bless the arms of the happy man to whom you give your heart, but who, -if he has the least delicacy, will despise them if he knows that they -have been prostituted to fifty men before him.--The sentiment, that a -woman may allow all innocent freedoms, provided her virtue is secure, -is both grossly indelicate and dangerous, and has proved fatal to many -of your sex. - -Let me now recommend to your attention, that elegance, which is not -so much a quality itself, as the high polish of every other. It is -what diffuses an ineffable grace over every look, every motion, every -sentence you utter. It gives that charm to beauty, without which it -generally fails to please. It is partly a personal quality, in which -respect it is the gift of nature; but I speak of it principally as a -quality of the mind. In a word, it is the perfection of taste in life -and manners;--every virtue and every excellency in their most graceful -and amiable forms. - -You may perhaps think that I want to throw every spark of nature out -of your composition, and to make you entirely artificial. Far from it. -I wish you to possess the most perfect simplicity of heart and manners. -I think you may possess dignity without pride, affability without -meanness, and simple elegance without affectation. Milton had my idea, -when he says of Eve, - - Grace was in all her steps, Heaven in her eye, - In every gesture dignity and love. - - - - -AMUSEMENTS. - -[Illustration: _To face Page 47._ - - _T. Stothard R.A. del._ _Medland sculp._ - - AMUSEMENTS. - _Published March 1st. 1797, by Cadell and Davies Strand_] - - -Every period of life has amusements which are natural and proper to it. -You may indulge the variety of your tastes in these, while you keep -within the bounds of that propriety which is suitable to your sex. - -Some amusements are conducive to health, as various kinds of exercise: -some are connected with qualities really useful, as different kinds -of women’s work, and all the domestic concerns of a family: some are -elegant accomplishments, as dress, dancing, music, and drawing. Such -books as improve your understandings, enlarge your knowledge, and -cultivate your taste, may be considered in a higher point of view than -mere amusements. There are a variety of others, which are neither -useful nor ornamental, such as play of different kinds. - -I would particularly recommend to you those exercises that oblige -you to be much abroad in the open air, such as walking, and riding on -horseback. This will give vigour to your constitutions, and a bloom -to your complexions. If you accustom yourselves to go abroad always -in chairs and carriages, you will soon become so enervated, as to be -unable to go out of doors without them. They are like most articles -of luxury, useful and agreeable when judiciously used; but when made -habitual, they become both insipid and pernicious. - -An attention to your health is a duty you owe to yourselves and to -your friends. Bad health seldom fails to have an influence on the -spirits and temper. The finest geniuses, the most delicate minds, have -very frequently a correspondent delicacy of bodily constitution, which -they are too apt to neglect. Their luxury lies in reading and late -hours, equal enemies to health and beauty. - -But though good health be one of the greatest blessings of life, never -make a boast of it, but enjoy it in grateful silence. We so naturally -associate the idea of female softness and delicacy with a correspondent -delicacy of constitution, that when a woman speaks of her great -strength, her extraordinary appetite, her ability to bear excessive -fatigue, we recoil at the description in a way she is little aware of. - -The intention of your being taught needle-work, knitting, and such -like, is not on account of the intrinsic value of all you can do -with your hands, which is trifling, but to enable you to judge more -perfectly of that kind of work, and to direct the execution of it -in others. Another principal end is to enable you to fill up, in a -tolerably agreeable way, some of the many solitary hours you must -necessarily pass at home.--It is a great article in the happiness of -life, to have your pleasures as independent of others as possible. By -continually gadding abroad in search of amusement, you lose the respect -of all your acquaintances, whom you oppress with those visits, which, -by a more discreet management, might have been courted. - -The domestic economy of a family is entirely a woman’s province, and -furnishes a variety of subjects for the exertion both of good sense and -good taste. If you ever come to have the charge of a family, it ought -to engage much of your time and attention; nor can you be excused from -this by any extent of fortune, though with a narrow one the ruin that -follows the neglect of it may be more immediate. - -I am at the greatest loss what to advise you in regard to books. -There is no impropriety in your reading history, or cultivating any -art or science to which genius or accident lead you. The whole volume -of Nature lies open to your eye, and furnishes an infinite variety -of entertainment. If I was sure that Nature had given you such -strong principles of taste and sentiment as would remain with you, -and influence your future conduct, with the utmost pleasure would I -endeavour to direct your reading in such a way as might form that taste -to the utmost perfection of truth and elegance. “But when I reflect -how easy it is to warm a girl’s imagination, and how difficult deeply -and permanently to affect her heart; how readily she enters into every -refinement of sentiment, and how easily she can sacrifice them to -vanity or convenience;” I think I may very probably do you an injury -by artificially creating a taste, which if Nature never gave it you, -would only serve to embarrass your future conduct.--I do not want to -_make_ you any thing: I want to know what Nature has made you, and to -perfect you on her plan. I do not wish you to have sentiments that -might perplex you: I wish you to have sentiments that may uniformly and -steadily guide you, and such as your hearts so thoroughly approve, that -you would not forego them for any consideration this world could offer. - -Dress is an important article in female life. The love of dress is -natural to you, and therefore it is proper and reasonable. Good sense -will regulate your expence in it, and good taste will direct you to -dress in such a way, as to conceal any blemishes, and set off your -beauties, if you have any, to the greatest advantage. But much delicacy -and judgment are required in the application of this rule. A fine woman -shows her charms to most advantage, when she seems most to conceal -them. The finest bosom in nature is not so fine as what imagination -forms. The most perfect elegance of dress appears always the most easy, -and the least studied. - -Do not confine your attention to dress to your public appearances. -Accustom yourselves to an habitual neatness, so that in the most -careless undress, in your most unguarded hours, you may have no reason -to be ashamed of your appearance.--You will not easily believe how -much we consider your dress as expressive of your characters. Vanity, -levity, slovenliness, folly, appear through it. An elegant simplicity -is an equal proof of taste and delicacy. - -In dancing, the principal points you are to attend to are ease -and grace. I would have you to dance with spirit: but never allow -yourselves to be so far transported with mirth, as to forget the -delicacy of your sex.--Many a girl dancing in the gaiety and innocence -of her heart, is thought to discover a spirit she little dreams of. - -I know no entertainment that gives such pleasure to any person of -sentiment or humour, as the theatre.--But I am sorry to say, there are -few English comedies a lady can see, without a shock to delicacy. You -will not readily suspect the comments gentlemen make on your behaviour -on such occasions. Men are often best acquainted with the most -worthless of your sex, and from them too readily form their judgement -of the rest. A virtuous girl often hears very indelicate things with -a countenance no-wise embarrassed, because in truth she does not -understand them. Yet this is most ungenerously ascribed to that command -of features, and that ready presence of mind, which you are thought -to possess in a degree far beyond us; or, by still more malignant -observers, it is ascribed to hardened effrontery. - -Sometimes a girl laughs with all the simplicity of unsuspecting -innocence, for no other reason but being infected with other people’s -laughing: she is then believed to know more than she should do.--If -she does happen to understand an improper thing, she suffers a very -complicated distress: she feels her modesty hurt in the most sensible -manner, and at the same time is ashamed of appearing conscious of the -injury. The only way to avoid these inconveniencies, is never to go to -a play that is particularly offensive to delicacy.--Tragedy subjects -you to no such distress.--Its sorrows will soften and ennoble your -hearts. - -I need say little about gaming, the ladies in this country being as -yet almost strangers to it.--It is a ruinous and incurable vice; and -as it leads to all the selfish and turbulent passions, is peculiarly -odious in your sex. I have no objection to your playing a little at any -kind of game, as a variety in your amusements; provided, that what you -can possibly lose is such a trifle as can neither interest you, nor -hurt you. - -In this, as well as in all important points of conduct, show a -determined resolution and steadiness. This is not in the least -inconsistent with that softness and gentleness so amiable in your sex. -On the contrary, it gives that spirit to a mild and sweet disposition, -without which it is apt to degenerate into insipidity. It makes you -respectable in your own eyes, and dignifies you in ours. - - - - -FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE. - -[Illustration: _To face Page 63._ - - _Stothard R.A. del._ _Neagle Sc._ - - MARRIAGE. - _Published March 1st. 1797, by Cadell and Davies Strand_] - - -The luxury and dissipation that prevails in genteel life, as it -corrupts the heart in many respects, so it renders it incapable of -warm, sincere, and steady friendship. A happy choice of friends -will be of the utmost consequence to you, as they may assist you by -their advice and good offices. But the immediate gratification which -friendship affords to a warm, open, and ingenuous heart, is of itself -sufficient motive to court it. - -In the choice of your friends, have your principal regard to goodness -of heart and fidelity. If they also possess taste and genius, that -will still make them more agreeable and useful companions. You -have particular reason to place confidence in those who have shown -affection for you in your early days, when you were incapable of -making them any return. This is an obligation for which you cannot be -too grateful.--When you read this, you will naturally think of your -mother’s friend, to whom you owe so much. - -If you have the good fortune to meet with any who deserve the name -of friends, unbosom yourself to them with the most unsuspicious -confidence. It is one of the world’s maxims, never to trust any person -with a secret, the discovery of which could give you any pain: but -it is the maxim of a little mind, and a cold heart, unless where it -is the effect of frequent disappointments and bad usage. An open -temper, if restrained but by tolerable prudence, will make you, on the -whole, much happier than a reserved suspicious one, although you may -sometimes suffer by it. Coldness and distrust are but the too certain -consequences of age and experience; but they are unpleasant feelings, -and need not be anticipated before their time. - -But however open you may be in talking of your own affairs, never -disclose the secrets of one friend to another. These are sacred -deposits, which do not belong to you, nor have you any right to make -use of them. - -There is another case, in which I suspect it is proper to be secret, -not so much from motives of prudence, as delicacy; I mean in love -matters. Though a woman has no reason to be ashamed of an attachment to -a man of merit, yet Nature, whose authority is superior to philosophy, -has annexed a sense of shame to it. It is even long before a woman of -delicacy dares avow to her own heart that she loves; and when all the -subterfuges of ingenuity to conceal it from herself fail, she feels -a violence done both to her pride and to her modesty. This, I should -imagine, must always be the case where she is not sure of a return to -her attachment. - -In such a situation, to lay the heart open to any person whatever, -does not appear to me consistent with the perfection of female -delicacy. But perhaps I am in the wrong.--At the same time I must tell -you, that, in point of prudence, it concerns you to attend well to the -consequences of such a discovery. These secrets, however important -in your own estimation, may appear very trifling to your friend, who -possibly will not enter into your feelings, but may rather consider -them as a subject of pleasantry. For this reason, love-secrets are of -all others the worst kept. But the consequences to you may be very -serious, as no man of spirit and delicacy ever valued a heart much -hackneyed in the ways of love. - -If, therefore, you must have a friend to pour out your heart to, -be sure of her honour and secrecy. Let her not be a married woman, -especially if she lives happily with her husband. There are certain -unguarded moments, in which such a woman, though the best and worthiest -of her sex, may let hints escape, which at other times, or to any -other person than her husband, she would be incapable of; nor will a -husband in this case feel himself under the same obligation of secrecy -and honour, as if you had put your confidence originally in himself, -especially on a subject which the world is apt to treat so lightly. - -If all other circumstances are equal, there are obvious advantages -in your making friends of one another. The ties of blood, and your -being so much united in one common interest, form an additional bond -of union to your friendship. If your brothers should have the good -fortune to have hearts susceptible of friendship, to possess truth, -honour, sense, and delicacy of sentiment, they are the fittest and most -unexceptionable confidants. By placing confidence in them, you will -receive every advantage which you could hope for from the friendship of -men, without any of the inconveniences that attend such connexions with -our sex. - -Beware of making confidants of your servants. Dignity not properly -understood very readily degenerates into pride, which enters into -no friendships, because it cannot bear an equal, and is so fond of -flattery as to grasp at it even from servants and dependants. The most -ultimate confidants, therefore, of proud people, are valets-de-chambre -and waiting-women. Show the utmost humanity to your servants; make -their situation as comfortable to them as possible: but if you make -them your confidants, you spoil them, and debase yourselves. - -Never allow any person, under the pretended sanction of friendship, to -be so familiar as to lose a proper respect for you. Never allow them -to teaze you on any subject that is disagreeable, or where you have -once taken your resolution. Many will tell you, that this reserve is -inconsistent with the freedom which friendship allows. But a certain -respect is as necessary in friendship as in love. Without it, you may -be liked as a child, but you will never be beloved as an equal. - -The temper and dispositions of the heart in your sex make you enter -more readily and warmly into friendships than men. Your natural -propensity to it is so strong, that you often run into intimacies -which you soon have sufficient cause to repent of; and this makes your -friendships so very fluctuating. - -Another great obstacle to the sincerity as well as steadiness of your -friendships, is the great clashing of your interests in the pursuits -of love, ambition, or vanity. For these reasons, it would appear at -first view more eligible for you to contract your friendships with the -men. Among other obvious advantages of an easy intercourse between the -two sexes, it occasions an emulation and exertion in each to excel -and be agreeable: hence their respective excellencies are mutually -communicated and blended. As their interests in no degree interfere, -there can be no foundation for jealousy, or suspicion of rivalship. The -friendship of a man for a woman is always blended with a tenderness, -which he never feels for one of his own sex, even where love is in no -degree concerned. Besides, we are conscious of a natural title you have -to our protection and good offices, and therefore we feel an additional -obligation of honour to serve you, and to observe an inviolable -secrecy, whenever you confide in us. - -But apply these observations with great caution. Thousands of women -of the best hearts and finest parts have been ruined by men who -approach them under the specious name of friendship. But supposing a -man to have the most undoubted honour, yet his friendship to a woman is -so near a-kin to love, that if she be very agreeable in her person, she -will probably very soon find a lover, where she only wished to meet a -friend.--Let me here, however, warn you against that weakness so common -among vain women, the imagination that every man who takes particular -notice of you is a lover. Nothing can expose you more to ridicule, than -the taking up a man on the suspicion of being your lover, who perhaps -never once thought of you in that view, and giving yourselves those -airs so common among silly women on such occasions. - -There is a kind of unmeaning gallantry much practised by some men, -which, if you have any discernment, you will find really very harmless. -Men of this sort will attend you to public places, and be useful to -you by a number of little observances, which those of a superior class -do not so well understand, or have not leisure to regard, or perhaps -are too proud to submit to. Look on the compliments of such men as -words of course, which they repeat to every agreeable woman of their -acquaintance. There is a familiarity they are apt to assume, which a -proper dignity in your behaviour will be easily able to check. - -There is a different species of men whom you may like as agreeable -companions, men of worth, taste, and genius, whose conversation, in -some respects, may be superior to what you generally meet with among -your own sex. It will be foolish in you to deprive yourselves of an -useful and agreeable acquaintance, merely because idle people say he is -your lover. Such a man may like your company, without having any design -on your person. - -People whose sentiments, and particularly whose tastes, correspond, -naturally like to associate together, although neither of them have -the most distant view of any further connexion. But as this similarity -of minds often gives rise to a more tender attachment than friendship, -it will be prudent to keep a watchful eye over yourselves, lest your -hearts become too far engaged before you are aware of it. At the same -time, I do not think that your sex, at least in this part of the world, -have much of that sensibility which disposes to such attachments. -What is commonly called love among you is rather gratitude, and a -partiality to the man who prefers you to the rest of your sex; and -such a man you often marry, with little of either personal esteem or -affection. Indeed, without an unusual share of natural sensibility, and -very peculiar good fortune, a woman in this country has very little -probability of marrying for love. - -It is a maxim laid down among you, and a very prudent one it is, -That love is not to begin on your part, but is entirely to be the -consequence of our attachment to you. Now, supposing a woman to have -sense and taste, she will not find many men to whom she can possibly -be supposed to bear any considerable share of esteem. Among these few -it is very great chance if any of them distinguishes her particularly. -Love, at least with us, is exceedingly capricious, and will not always -fix where reason says it should. But supposing one of them should -become particularly attached to her, it is still extremely improbable -that he should be the man in the world her heart most approved of. - -As, therefore, Nature has not given you that unlimited range -in your choice which we enjoy, she has wisely and benevolently -assigned to you a greater flexibility of taste on this subject. Some -agreeable qualities recommend a gentleman to your common good liking -and friendship. In the course of his acquaintance, he contracts an -attachment to you. When you perceive it, it excites your gratitude; -this gratitude rises into a preference, and this preference perhaps -at last advances to some degree of attachment, especially if it meets -with crosses and difficulties; for these, and a state of suspense, are -very great incitements to attachment, and are the food of love in both -sexes. If attachment was not excited in your sex in this manner, there -is not one of a million of you that could ever marry with any degree of -love. - -A man of taste and delicacy marries a woman because he loves her more -than any other. A woman of equal taste and delicacy marries him because -she esteems him, and because he gives her that preference. But if a -man unfortunately becomes attached to a woman whose heart is secretly -pre-engaged, his attachment, instead of obtaining a suitable return, -is particularly offensive; and if he persists to teaze her, he makes -himself equally the object of her scorn and aversion. - -The effects of love among men are diversified by their different -tempers. An artful man may counterfeit every one of them so as easily -to impose on a young girl of an open, generous, and feeling heart, if -she is not extremely on her guard. The finest parts in such a girl may -not always prove sufficient for her security. The dark and crooked -paths of cunning are unsearchable and inconceivable to an honourable -and elevated mind. - -The following, I apprehend, are the most genuine effects of -an honourable passion among the men, and the most difficult to -counterfeit. A man of delicacy often betrays his passion by his too -great anxiety to conceal it, especially if he has little hopes of -success. True love, in all its stages, seeks concealment, and never -expects success. It renders a man not only respectful, but timid to the -highest degree in his behaviour to the woman he loves. To conceal the -awe he stands in of her, he may sometimes affect pleasantry, but it -sits awkwardly on him, and he quickly relapses into seriousness, if not -into dulness. He magnifies all her real perfections in his imagination, -and is either blind to her failings, or converts them into beauties. -Like a person conscious of guilt, he is jealous that every eye observes -him; and to avoid this, he shuns all the little observances of common -gallantry. - -His heart and his character will be improved in every respect by his -attachment. His manners will become more gentle, and his conversation -more agreeable; but diffidence and embarrassment will always make -him appear to disadvantage in the company of his mistress. If the -fascination continue long, it will totally depress his spirit, and -extinguish every active, vigorous, and manly principle of his mind. -You will find this subject beautifully and pathetically painted in -Thomson’s Spring. - -When you observe in a gentleman’s behaviour these marks which I -have described above, reflect seriously what you are to do. If his -attachment is agreeable to you, I leave you to do as nature, good -sense, and delicacy shall direct you. If you love him, let me advise -you never to discover to him the full extent of your love; no, not -although you marry him. That sufficiently shows your preference, which -is all he is intitled to know. If he has delicacy, he will ask for no -stronger proof of your affection, for your sake; if he has sense, he -will not ask it for his own. This is an unpleasant truth, but it is my -duty to let you know it. Violent love cannot subsist, at least cannot -be expressed, for any time together, on both sides; otherwise the -certain consequence, however concealed, is satiety and disgust. Nature -in this case has laid the reserve on you. - -If you see evident proofs of a gentleman’s attachment, and are -determined to shut your heart against him, as you ever hope to be used -with generosity by the person who shall engage your own heart, treat -him honourably and humanely. Do not let him linger in a miserable -suspense, but be anxious to let him know your sentiments with regard to -him. - -However people’s hearts may deceive them, there is scarcely a person -that can love for any time without at least some distant hope of -success. If you really wish to undeceive a lover, you may do it in a -variety of ways. There is a certain species of easy familiarity in your -behaviour, which may satisfy him, if he has any discernment left, that -he has nothing to hope for. But perhaps your particular temper may not -admit of this.--You may easily show that you want to avoid his company; -but if he is a man whose friendship you wish to preserve, you may not -choose this method, because then you lose him in every capacity.--You -may get a common friend to explain matters to him, or fall on many -other devices, if you are seriously anxious to put him out of suspense. - -But if you are resolved against every such method, at least do not -shun opportunities of letting him explain himself. If you do this, you -act barbarously and unjustly. If he brings you to an explanation, give -him a polite, but resolute and decisive answer. In whatever way you -convey your sentiments to him, if he is a man of spirit and delicacy, -he will give you no further trouble, nor apply to your friends for -their intercession. This last is a method of courtship which every man -of spirit will disdain. He will never whine nor sue for your pity. -That would mortify him almost as much as your scorn. In short, you may -possibly break such a heart, but you can never bend it. Great pride -always accompanies delicacy, however concealed under the appearance of -the utmost gentleness and modesty, and is the passion of all others the -most difficult to conquer. - -There is a case where a woman may coquette justifiably to the utmost -verge which her conscience will allow. It is where a gentleman -purposely declines to make his addresses, till such time as he thinks -himself perfectly sure of her consent. This at bottom is intended -to force a woman to give up the undoubted privilege of her sex, the -privilege of refusing; it is intended to force her to explain herself, -in effect, before the gentleman deigns to do it, and by this means -to oblige her to violate the modesty and delicacy of her sex, and to -invert the clearest order of nature. All this sacrifice is proposed to -be made merely to gratify a most despicable vanity in a man who would -degrade the very woman whom he wishes to make his wife. - -It is of great importance to distinguish, whether a gentleman who has -the appearance of being your lover, delays to speak explicitly, from -the motive I have mentioned, or from a diffidence inseparable from -true attachment. In the one case you can scarcely use him too ill; in -the other, you ought to use him with great kindness: and the greatest -kindness you can show him if you are determined not to listen to his -addresses, is to let him know it as soon as possible. - -I know the many excuses with which women endeavour to justify -themselves to the world, and to their own consciences, when they act -otherwise. Sometimes they plead ignorance, or at least uncertainty, -of the gentleman’s real sentiments. That may sometimes be the case. -Sometimes they plead the decorum of their sex, which enjoins an equal -behaviour to all men, and forbids them to consider any man as a lover -till he has directly told them so.--Perhaps few women carry their ideas -of female delicacy and decorum so far as I do. But I must say you are -not intitled to plead the obligation of these virtues, in opposition -to the superior ones of gratitude, justice, and humanity. The man is -intitled to all these, who prefers you to the rest of your sex, and -perhaps whose greatest weakness is this very preference.--The truth of -the matter is, vanity, and the love of admiration, is so prevailing -a passion among you, that you may be considered to make a very great -sacrifice whenever you give up a lover, till every art of coquetry -fails to keep him, or till he forces you to an explanation. You can -be fond of the love, when you are indifferent to, or even when you -despise, the lover. - -But the deepest and most artful coquetry is employed by women of -superior taste and sense, to engage and fix the heart of a man whom -the world and whom they themselves esteem, although they are firmly -determined never to marry him. But his conversation amuses them, and -his attachment is the highest gratification to their vanity; nay, they -can sometimes be gratified with the utter ruin of his fortune, fame, -and happiness.--God forbid I should ever think so of all your sex! I -know many of them have principles, have generosity and dignity of soul -that elevate them above the worthless vanity I have been speaking of. - -Such a woman, I am persuaded, may always convert a lover, if she -cannot give him her affections, into a warm and steady friend, provided -he is a man of sense, resolution, and candour. If she explains herself -to him with a generous openness and freedom, he must feel the stroke as -a man: but he will likewise bear it as a man: what he suffers, he will -suffer in silence. Every sentiment of esteem will remain; but love, -though it requires very little food, and is easily surfeited with too -much, yet it requires some. He will view her in the light of a married -woman; and though passion subsides, yet a man of a candid and generous -heart always retains a tenderness for a woman he has once loved, and -who has used him well, beyond what he feels for any other of her sex. - -If he has not confided his own secret to any body, he has an undoubted -title to ask you not to divulge it. If a woman chooses to trust any of -her companions with her own unfortunate attachments, she may, as it is -her own affair alone; but if she has any generosity or gratitude, she -will not betray a secret which does not belong to her. - -Male coquetry is much more inexcusable than female, as well as more -pernicious; but it is rare in this country. Very few men will give -themselves the trouble to gain or retain any woman’s affections, unless -they have views on them either of an honourable or dishonourable kind. -Men employed in the pursuits of business, ambition, or pleasure, will -not give themselves the trouble to engage a woman’s affections, merely -from the vanity of conquest, and of triumphing over the heart of an -innocent and defenceless girl. Besides, people never value much what -is entirely in their power. A man of parts, sentiment, and address, -if he lays aside all regard to truth and humanity, may engage the -hearts of fifty women at the same time, and may likewise conduct his -coquetry with so much art, as to put it out of the power of any of -them to specify a single expression that could be said to be directly -expressive of love. - -This ambiguity of behaviour, this art of keeping one in suspense, is -the great secret of coquetry in both sexes. It is the more cruel in us, -because we can carry it what length we please, and continue it as long -as we please, without your being so much as at liberty to complain or -expostulate; whereas we can break our chain, and force you to explain, -whenever we become impatient of our situation. - -I have insisted the more particularly on this subject of courtship, -because it may most readily happen to you at that early period of life, -when you can have little experience or knowledge of the world; when -your passions are warm, and your judgments not arrived at such full -maturity as to be able to correct them.--I wish you to possess such -high principles of honour and generosity as will render you incapable -of deceiving, and at the same time to possess that acute discernment -which may secure you against being deceived. - -A woman, in this country, may easily prevent the first impressions of -love; and every motive of prudence and delicacy should make her guard -her heart against them, till such time as she has received the most -convincing proofs of the attachment of a man of such merit as will -justify a reciprocal regard. Your hearts indeed may be shut inflexibly -and permanently against all the merit a man can possess. That may be -your misfortune, but cannot be your fault. In such a situation, you -would be equally unjust to yourself and your lover, if you gave him -your hand when your heart revolted against him. But miserable will be -your fate, if you allow an attachment to steal on you before you are -sure of a return; or, what is infinitely worse, where there are wanting -those qualities which alone can insure happiness in a married state. - -I know nothing that renders a woman more despicable, than her -thinking it essential to happiness to be married. Besides the gross -indelicacy of the sentiment, it is a false one, as thousands of women -have experienced. But if it was true, the belief that it is so, and -the consequent impatience to be married, is the most effectual way to -prevent it. - -You must not think from this, that I do not wish you to marry. On -the contrary, I am of opinion, that you may attain a superior degree -of happiness in a married state, to what you can possibly find in any -other. I know the forlorn and unprotected situation of an old maid, the -chagrin and peevishness which are apt to infect their tempers, and the -great difficulty of making a transition, with dignity and cheerfulness, -from the period of youth, beauty, admiration, and respect, into the -calm, silent, unnoticed retreat of declining years. - -I see some unmarried women, of active, vigorous minds, and great -vivacity of spirits, degrading themselves, sometimes by entering -into a dissipated course of life, unsuitable to their years, and -exposing themselves to the ridicule of girls, who might have been -their grandchildren; sometimes by oppressing their acquaintances by -impertinent intrusions into their private affairs; and sometimes by -being the propagators of scandal and defamation. All this is owing to -an exuberant activity of spirit, which, if it had found employment -at home, would have rendered them respectable and useful members of -society. - -I see other women, in the same situation, gentle, modest, blessed with -sense, taste, delicacy, and every milder feminine virtue of the heart, -but of weak spirits, bashful, and timid: I see such women sinking -into obscurity and insignificance, and gradually losing every elegant -accomplishment; for this evident reason, that they are not united to -a partner who has sense, and worth, and taste, to know their value; -one who is able to draw forth their concealed qualities, and show -them to advantage; who can give that support to their feeble spirits -which they stand so much in need of; and who, by his affection and -tenderness, might make such a woman happy in exerting every talent, and -accomplishing herself in every elegant art that could contribute to his -amusement. - -In short, I am of opinion, that a married state, if entered into -from proper motives of esteem and affection, will be the happiest for -yourselves, make you most respectable in the eyes of the world, and -the most useful members of society. But I confess I am not enough of -a patriot to wish you to marry for the good of the public. I wish you -to marry for no other reason but to make yourselves happier. When I am -so particular in my advices about your conduct, I own my heart beats -with the fond hope of making you worthy the attachment of men who will -deserve you, and be sensible of your merit. But Heaven forbid you -should ever relinquish the ease and independence of a single life, to -become the slaves of a fool or tyrant’s caprice. - -As these have always been my sentiments, I shall do you but justice, -when I leave you in such independent circumstances as may lay you -under no temptation to do from necessity what you would never do from -choice.--This will likewise save you from that cruel mortification to a -woman of spirit, the suspicion that a gentleman thinks he does you an -honour or a favour when he asks you for his wife. - -If I live till you arrive at that age when you shall be capable to -judge for yourselves, and do not strangely alter my sentiments, I shall -act towards you in a very different manner from what most parents -do. My opinion has always been, that, when that period arrives, the -parental authority ceases. - -I hope I shall always treat you with that affection and easy -confidence which may dispose you to look on me as your friend. In that -capacity alone I shall think myself intitled to give you my opinion; in -the doing of which, I should think myself highly criminal, if I did not -to the utmost of my power endeavour to divest myself of all personal -vanity, and all prejudices in favour of my particular taste. If you did -not choose to follow my advice, I should not on that account cease to -love you as my children. Though my right to your obedience was expired, -yet I should think nothing could release me from the ties of nature and -humanity. - -You may perhaps imagine, that the reserved behaviour which I -recommend to you, and your appearing seldom at public places, must -cut off all opportunities of your being acquainted with gentlemen. I -am very far from intending this. I advise you to no reserve, but what -will render you more respected and beloved by our sex. I do not think -public places suited to make people acquainted together. They can only -be distinguished there by their looks and external behaviour. But it -is in private companies alone where you can expect easy and agreeable -conversation, which I should never wish you to decline. If you do not -allow gentlemen to become acquainted with you, you can never expect to -marry with attachment on either side.--Love is very seldom produced at -first sight; at least it must have, in that case, a very unjustifiable -foundation. True love is founded on esteem, in a correspondence of -tastes and sentiments, and steals on the heart imperceptibly. - -There is one advice I shall leave you, to which I beg your particular -attention. Before your affections come to be in the least engaged to -any man, examine your tempers, your tastes, and your hearts, very -severely, and settle in your own minds, what are the requisites to your -happiness in a married state; and, as it is almost impossible that you -should get every thing you wish, come to a steady determination what -you are to consider as essential, and what may be sacrificed. - -If you have hearts disposed by nature for love and friendship, -and possess those feelings which enable you to enter into all the -refinements and delicacies of these attachments, consider well, for -Heaven’s sake, and as you value your future happiness, before you give -them any indulgence. If you have the misfortune (for a very great -misfortune it commonly is to your sex) to have such a temper and such -sentiments deeply rooted in you, if you have spirit and resolution to -resist the solicitations of vanity, the persecution of friends (for you -will have lost the only friend that would never persecute you), and can -support the prospect of the many inconveniencies attending the state -of an old maid, which I formerly pointed out, then you may indulge -yourselves in that kind of sentimental reading and conversation which -is most correspondent to your feelings. - -But if you find, on a strict self-examination, that marriage is -absolutely essential to your happiness, keep the secret inviolable in -your own bosoms, for the reason I formerly mentioned; but shun, as -you would do the most fatal poison, all that species of reading and -conversation which warms the imagination, which engages and softens -the heart, and raises the taste above the level of common life. If -you do otherwise, consider the terrible conflict of passions this may -afterwards raise in your breasts. - -If this refinement once takes deep root in your minds, and you do -not obey its dictates, but marry from vulgar and mercenary views, you -may never be able to eradicate it entirely, and then it will embitter -all your married days. Instead of meeting with sense, delicacy, -tenderness, a lover, a friend, an equal companion, in a husband, you -may be tired with insipidity and dulness; shocked with indelicacy, or -mortified by indifference. You will find none to compassionate, or even -understand your sufferings; for your husbands may not use you cruelly, -and may give you as much money for your clothes, personal expense, and -domestic necessaries, as is suitable to their fortunes. The world would -therefore look on you as unreasonable women, and that did not deserve -to be happy, if you were not so.--To avoid these complicated evils, if -you are determined at all events to marry, I would advise you to make -all your reading and amusements of such a kind, as do not affect the -heart nor the imagination, except in the way of wit or humour. - -I have no view by these advices to lead your tastes; I only want to -persuade you of the necessity of knowing your own minds, which, though -seemingly very easy, is what your sex seldom attain on many important -occasions in life, but particularly on this of which I am speaking. -There is not a quality I more anxiously wish you to possess, than that -collected decisive spirit, which rests on itself, which enables you -to see where your true happiness lies, and to pursue it with the most -determined resolution. In matters of business follow the advice of -those who know them better than yourselves, and in whose integrity you -can confide; but in matters of taste, that depend on your own feelings, -consult no one friend whatever, but consult your own hearts. - -If a gentleman makes his addresses to you, or gives you reason to -believe he will do so, before you allow your affections to be engaged, -endeavour, in the most prudent and secret manner, to procure from your -friends every necessary piece of information concerning him; such as -his character for sense, his morals, his temper, fortune, and family; -whether it is distinguished for parts and worth, or for folly, knavery, -and loathsome hereditary diseases. When your friends inform you of -these, they have fulfilled their duty. If they go further, they have -not that deference for you which a becoming dignity on your part would -effectually command. - -Whatever your views are in marrying, take every possible precaution -to prevent their being disappointed. If fortune, and the pleasure it -brings, are your aim, it is not sufficient that the settlements of a -jointure and children’s provisions be ample, and properly secured; it -is necessary that you should enjoy the fortune during your own life. -The principal security you can have for this will depend on your -marrying a good-natured, generous man, who despises money, and who will -let you live where you can best enjoy that pleasure, that pomp and -parade of life, for which you married him. - -From what I have said, you will easily see that I could never pretend -to advise whom you should marry; but I can with great confidence advise -whom you should not marry. - -Avoid a companion that may entail any hereditary disease on your -posterity, particularly (that most dreadful of all human calamities) -madness. It is the height of imprudence to run into such a danger, and -in my opinion, highly criminal. - -Do not marry a fool; he is the most intractable of all animals; he is -led by his passions and caprices, and is incapable of hearing the voice -of reason. It may probably too hurt your vanity to have husbands for -whom you have reason to blush and tremble every time they open their -lips in company. But the worst circumstance that attends a fool, is his -constant jealousy of his wife being thought to govern him. This renders -it impossible to lead him, and he is continually doing absurd and -disagreeable things, for no other reason but to show he dares do them. - -A rake is always a suspicious husband, because he has only known the -most worthless of your sex. He likewise entails the worst diseases on -his wife and children, if he has the misfortune to have any. - -If you have a sense of religion yourselves, do not think of husbands -who have none. If they have tolerable understandings, they will be -glad that you have religion, for their own sakes, and for the sake -of their families; but it will sink you in their esteem. If they are -weak men, they will be continually teasing and shocking you about your -principles.--If you have children, you will suffer the most bitter -distress, in seeing all your endeavours to form their minds to virtue -and piety, all your endeavours to secure their present and eternal -happiness, frustrated and turned into ridicule. - -As I look on your choice of a husband to be of the greatest -consequence to your happiness, I hope you will make it with the utmost -circumspection. Do not give way to a sudden sally of passion, and -dignify it with the name of love.--Genuine love is not founded in -caprice; it is founded in nature, on honourable views, on virtue, on -similarity of tastes and sympathy of souls. - -If you have these sentiments, you will never marry any one, when you -are not in that situation, in point of fortune, which is necessary to -the happiness of either of you. What that competency may be, can only -be determined by your own tastes. It would be ungenerous in you to take -advantage of a lover’s attachment, to plunge him into distress; and if -he has any honour, no personal gratification will ever tempt him to -enter into any connexion which will render you unhappy. If you have as -much between you as to satisfy all your demands, it is sufficient. - -I shall conclude with endeavouring to remove a difficulty which must -naturally occur to any woman of reflexion on the subject of marriage. -What is to become of all those refinements of delicacy, that dignity -of manners, which checked all familiarities, and suspended desire -in respectful and awful admiration? In answer to this, I shall only -observe, that if motives of interest or vanity have had any share in -your resolutions to marry, none of these chimerical notions will give -you any pain; nay, they will very quickly appear as ridiculous in your -own eyes, as they probably always did in the eyes of your husbands. -They have been sentiments which have floated in your imaginations, but -have never reached your hearts. But if these sentiments have been truly -genuine, and if you have had the singular happy fate to attach those -who understand them, you have no reason to be afraid. - -Marriage, indeed, will at once dispel the enchantment raised by -external beauty; but the virtues and graces that first warmed the -heart, that reserve and delicacy which always left the lover something -further to wish, and often made him doubtful of your sensibility -or attachment, may and ought ever to remain. The tumult of passion -will necessarily subside; but it will be succeeded by an endearment, -that affects the heart in a more equal, more sensible, and tender -manner.--But I must check myself, and not indulge in descriptions that -may mislead you, and that too sensibly awake the remembrance of my -happier days, which, perhaps, it were better for me to forget for ever. - -I have thus given you my opinion on some of the most important -articles of your future life, chiefly calculated for that period when -you are just entering the world. I have endeavoured to avoid some -peculiarities of opinion, which, from their contradiction to the -general practice of the world, I might reasonably have suspected were -not so well founded. But, in writing to you, I am afraid my heart has -been too full, and too warmly interested, to allow me to keep this -resolution. This may have produced some embarrassment, and some seeming -contradictions. What I have written has been the amusement of some -solitary hours, and has served to divert some melancholy reflexions.--I -am conscious I undertook a task to which I was very unequal; but I have -discharged a part of my duty.--You will at least be pleased with it, as -the last mark of your father’s love and attention. - - -THE END. - - - _Wood & Innes_, - _Printers, Poppin’s Court, Fleet Street._ - - - - -Transcriber’s Note: - -Spelling has been retained as it appears in the original publication -except as follows: - - Page 75 - effect of frequent disdisappointments _changed to_ - effect of frequent disappointments - - Page 131 - have fufilled their duty _changed to_ - have fulfilled their duty - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's A Father's Legacy to his Daughters, by John Gregory - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A FATHER'S LEGACY TO HIS DAUGHTERS *** - -***** This file should be named 50108-0.txt or 50108-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/0/1/0/50108/ - -Produced by Clarity and the Online Distributed Proofreading -Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from -images generously made available by The Internet -Archive/American Libraries.) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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