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diff --git a/old/50097-8.txt b/old/50097-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index edb8243..0000000 --- a/old/50097-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,5053 +0,0 @@ -Project Gutenberg's Lady Huntworth's Experiment, by Richard Claude Carton - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Lady Huntworth's Experiment - An original comedy in three acts - -Author: Richard Claude Carton - -Release Date: September 30, 2015 [EBook #50097] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT *** - - - - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, Clarity and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) - - - - - - - - - - LADY HUNTWORTH'S - EXPERIMENT - - ~An Original Comedy in Three Acts~ - - - BY - R. C. CARTON - AUTHOR OF "LIBERTY HALL," ETC., ETC., ETC. - - COPYRIGHT, 1904, BY SAMUEL FRENCH. - - CAUTION:--Professionals and Amateurs are hereby notified - that this play is fully copyrighted under the existing laws of - the United States Government, and nobody is allowed - to do this play without first having obtained - permission of Samuel French, 24 West - 22d St., New York City, U. S. A. - - NEW YORK - SAMUEL FRENCH - PUBLISHER - 24 WEST 22D STREET - - LONDON - SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD. - 26 SOUTHAMPTON ST. - STRAND, LONDON, W. C. - - - - -LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. - - _Produced at the Criterion Theatre, London, 26th April, 1900._ - - - - -CHARACTERS. - - - CAPTAIN DORVASTON (late Bengal Cavalry) Mr. Arthur Bourchier. - - REV. AUDLEY PILLENGER (Vicar of - Stillford, in the parish of Droneborough) Mr. Eric Lewis. - - REV. HENRY THORSBY (his Curate) Mr. A. E. Matthews. - - GANDY (Man-servant at the Vicarage) Mr. Ernest Hendrie. - - NEWSPAPER BOY Master R. Denny. - - MR. CRAYLL Mr. Dion Boucicault. - - MISS HANNAH PILLENGER (Rev. Audley's - sister) Miss Fanny Coleman. - - LUCY PILLENGER (their Niece) Miss Gertrude Elliot. - - KEZIAH (Servant at the Vicarage) Miss Polly Emery. - - CAROLINE RAYWARD (Cook at the - Vicarage) Miss Compton. - - - - - ACT I. - - THE VICARAGE GARDEN.--Morning. - - ACT II. - - THE VICARAGE KITCHEN.--The same evening. - - ACT III. - - THE VICARAGE LIBRARY.--Next morning. - -[Illustration: _Act I._ _Scene Plot._ - -_Scene--Back of Vicarage with Garden._] - -[Illustration: PLAN OF BREAKFAST TABLE.--ACT I. - -FACING DOWN STAGE. - - _Note 1._--Those articles _not_ marked with an asterisk are - discovered. - - _Note 2._--Those articles marked with an asterisk are brought on. - - _Note 3._--Great care must be used in setting the table.] - -[Illustration: _Act II._ _Scene Plot._ - -_Scene--Vicar's Kitchen._] - -[Illustration: _Act II._ - -_Position of Articles discovered and where placed when brought on, -which must be very exact_] - -[Illustration: _Act III._ _Scene Plot._ - -_Scene--Vicar's Study._] - - ACT I. PROPERTY PLOT. - - Circular Table, L.C. 4 Rustic Chairs, Round Table, L.C. - Seat round Tree, R.C. Parsley-bed, L.I.E. - Small Rustic Table, L. of Tree R.C. Bench in front of Window. - Table Cloth } - 4 Napkins in Rings } - 4 Large Plates } - 4 Small Plates } - 4 Cups, Saucers, and Spoons } _Discovered set on_ - 4 Large Knives and Forks } _Breakfast Table_ - 4 Small Knives } _on_ - Large Fork and Spoon } _Butler's Tray_ L.C. - 1 Cruet } - Slop Basin } - Milk in Jug } - Sugar in Basin with Tongs } - - Butter in Dish with Knife } - Jam in Dish with Spoon } - Toast in Toast-rack } - Kidneys in Entrée Dish } _All off_ L.O.E. - Tea in Tea-pot (4 people) } _for_ - Large Oval Salver } GANDY. - Large Circular Salver } - Small Card Salver } - 3 Eggs in stand and Spoons } - - 2 White Pudding Basins } - Fork } - White China Dish } - 2 Eggs in Basin } _All off_ L.U.E. - Bottle Salad Oil } _for_ - Medium-sized Salver } CAROLINE. - Syphon of Potash } - Whiskey in Decanter } - 2 Tumblers. } - - Door Bell to Ring in Kitchen. - - Letters in Tree R.C., _Discovered_. Letters for Thorsby, L. - "Standard" with par. } _In American cloth Wrapper_ - "Sporting Life" } _for_ - 6 various papers } _Boy off_ L. - Flowers in Bowl for Lucy _off_ L.U.E. - Five Letters for Gandy _off_ R.U.E. - Tobacco Pouch } - Pipe } - Matches and Match-box } _For_ DORVASTON. - Marriage Settlement } - Orchid for DORVASTON _off_ R. "2" E. - Cigars in case for CRAYLL. Chimes _off_ L.U.E. - - - ACT II. PROPERTY PLOT. - - Kitchen Table, L.C. 2 Kitchen Chairs. Kettle on Stove. - Cake in Tin in Oven down Stage. - Kitchen Fender and Fire-irons. Hearth-rug. - - Clock } - Tin Jelly Moulds } _On Mantelpiece._ - Candlesticks } - - Jelly Moulds on Walls above Mantel. - Candle in Stand and Matches on Bracket above Fireplace. - Meal-sack above Fireplace. Towel on Roller above Meat-Jack. - - Plates in Rack above Sink } - Warm Water in Bowl on Sink } _In Scullery._ - - Work-box containing Pudding Cloth, } - Needle, &c. } - Glass Tray } _All in Window._ - Newspaper ("Standard") } - Plate Basket } - - 1 Meat Cover on Wall over Meat-Jack. - Almanac on Wall. Brooms and Pail in Cupboard. - Looking-glass on Flat between Garden-door and Larder. - Mat outside Garden-door. - - Cheese Dish } - Large Butter Dish } _In Larder._ - Fruit Salad } - - 4 Cheese Plates } - 4 Fruit Plates } _On Dresser._ - 1 Wine Glass } - - Dresser Furnished. - - 2 Glass Cloths } - "Family Herald" } _In Kitchen Table Drawer._ - - Orchid in Specimen-glass in Window. Stuffed Fish in Cases. - Ham on Dish for Keziah. Canary in Cage, hanging in Window. - - Salmon on Dish } - 4 Plates } - 4 Fish Knives and Forks } - 4 Teaspoons } _Discovered on Table._ - Piece of Rag } - Radishes in Water in Bowl } - Radishes in Dish } - - 2 Chickens on Dish } - Salad Bowl } - 4 Plates } _1st Load on Butler's Tray._ - 4 Knives and Forks } - - Fruit Salad } - 4 Plates, Forks, and Spoons } _2nd Load._ - - Whiskey Syphon and Glass } - 4 Tumblers, 4 Claret Glasses } - Bread Platter and Knife } - Cheese Dish and Butter Dish } _3rd Load._ - Radish Dish, 4 Knives, and 4 Plates } - - HAND PROPERTIES. - - Hand-bag for GANDY } - Music Case for DORVASTON } _Off_ R.I.E. - Cigars in Case } - Pins for CAROLINE. Letter in Letter-case for CRAYLL. - - ACT III. PROPERTY PLOT. - - Oak Table R.C. and Cover. 3 Oak Chairs R.L. and Top of Table. - Davenport R. Oak Chair at Davenport. Armchair in Alcove L. - Library Steps Alcove R. Settle above Fireplace. Fender and - Fire-irons. 2 Large Rugs. Stair Carpet and Rods on Stairs. - Pictures on Walls. - - "Bradshaw" } - Box of Safety Matches } _On Mantelpiece dt._ - - Electric Push below Fireplace. Books in Bookcase. - 2 pairs Green Plush Curtains and 1 single ditto. - 2 Spring Blinds fitted to Window. - - HAND PROPERTIES. - - 2 Coffee Cups (coloured) } - Milk in Milk-jug } _All on Japanese Tray for_ - Sugar in Basin and Tongs } CAROLINE, L. - Bread and Butter on Plate } - - Lady's shoe } - Sprig of Syringa } _For_ CAROLINE, L. - - Cigarettes in Case for DORVASTON. - Wedding Ring for THORSBY. - Lawyer's Letter for CAROLINE. - - Papers:-- - "Standard," "Sporting Life." - "Church Times" for GANDY, R. - - * * * * * - -NOTE.--Properties are marked with a small asterisk showing their -position. - -The crosses with numbers in Act I. show where the chairs are moved to; -the C. one is not moved at all. - -All doors want proper locks on. The gate in Act I. wants a latch and -spring to make it spring to. - -Inside Broom Cupboard must have small bolt for DORVASTON to bolt when -inside. - -The down-stage oven must open to receive cake in tin. It should have -iron fixings on to make realistic noise. - - - - -LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. - - - - -ACT I. - - SCENE.--_The Vicarage Garden, according to plan._ - - TIME.--_Early morning._ - - (_After the curtain rises_ THORSBY _enters at gate_ L. I. E., - _looks at French window, crosses and looks at kitchen window, - goes over cautiously to the tree_ R.; _he mounts on the seat and - extracts a letter from the cavity in the tree, replacing it with - one of his own; he then stands leaning against the tree, while he - opens, kisses, and begins to read the letter; while he is doing - this_, GANDY _comes out of the house with toast in rack and jam - on dish on salver; he catches sight of_ THORSBY; _crosses to top - of table_ L.) - - -GAN. Good morning, Mr. Thorsby! - -THOR. (_startled, squashes letter into his pocket_) Eh! Oh, good -morning! I was--I--wanted to see Mr. Pillenger. - -GAN. Mr. Pillenger ain't much in the 'abit of climbin' trees before -breakfast. (_puts jam on table_) - -THOR. No, of course not. (_he jumps down_) I thought I saw a bird's -nest, (_looks_) I was mistaken; but feeling (BOY _heard whistling the -A.M.B._) rather warm after my walk, I fancied it would be cooler under -the branches. My object, in fact, was---- - -GAN. Shady! (_crosses down_ L. _of table_) - -THOR. What? - -GAN. I was sayin' it's shady under the h'oak. (_puts toast on table_) - -THOR. Exactly. - - (NEWSBOY _enters at gate, crosses to_ C. _and calls towards - kitchen window_.) - -BOY. Papiers! - -GAN. Late again! (_crosses in front of table_) - -BOY. No, I ain't. (_turns and faces_ GANDY) - -GAN. Yes, you h'are. (_looks at silver watch_) Four minutes and a -half late. (THORSBY _sits_ R. _and reads letter_) Your prospects of a -Christmas-box are darkenin' week by week. - -BOY. Well, but I say, Gandy! (_crosses down_ C.) - -GAN. Mr. Gandy! A leetle more respect might assist your grandmother's -next h'application to the coal and blanket fund. Now, is this to-day's -"Standard?" - -BOY. Yus! (_giving it_) - -GAN. Very good. And the other papers? - -BOY. "Sportin' Life!" (_gives it_) - -THOR. "Sporting Life!" (BOY _sees jam, and works round to top of -table_) That's rather an innovation, isn't it? - -GAN. (_crosses to_ THORSBY C.) It's for Captain Dorvaston. We deplore -it, but we're 'elpless. (_places papers on table_ R. C., _startles_ BOY -_and comes towards him_. BOY _backs towards gate. To_ BOY) Go along -with you, and, mind me, if there's any more tip-cat down our road, I -call at the police station. - -BOY. All right. Keep your 'air on. (_goes off, singing the chorus of -A.M.B._) - - (LUCY _comes out of house with bowl of flowers_.) - -LUCY. Good morning, Mr. Thorsby! (C.) - -THOR. Good morning! (_rises_) - -LUCY. You're an early visitor. (_puts bowl on table_) - -THOR. Yes, I--I was---- - -GAN. (_has crossed and turns at porch_) Bird's nestin'! (_he goes in -through porch_) - -LUCY. (_they both watch him off_, LUCY _goes up a little and down -again_) What does he mean? - -THOR. He caught me standing up on that seat. I had just found your -letter, (_she hushes him_) and I had to give some explanation. - -LUCY. And couldn't you rise to anything better than that? My dear -Harry, what an idiot you are. - -THOR. You see, I greatly dislike any deviation from the truth. - -LUCY. Truth is a luxury very few of us can afford. When you and I are -married---- - -THOR. (_advancing_) Darling! (_rushes to embrace her, she waves him -off_) - -LUCY. Stay where you are! All the back windows have eyes to them. -Muslin curtains don't count. When we are married---- (_crosses_ L.) - -THOR. In fact, after to-morrow---- - -LUCY. Oh, Harry, do shut up a minute. You object to shams, how is a -properly organised household to be carried on without 'em? (_sits_ -R. _of breakfast table_) Suppose I'm up to my neck in something -important--putting finishing touches to a new ball-dress, we'll -say--and some female horror calls--mustn't I be out because I happen to -be at home? Deviation from the truth! My dear boy, I should deviate for -all I was worth. So you got my letter? - -THOR. Yes. - -LUCY. And your answer? - -THOR. I posted it in our usual letter box. (_going to tree_) - -LUCY. All right, I'll get it directly. Does it give full directions? - -THOR. I think so. (_comes_ C.) - -LUCY. Got the special license? - -THOR. Yes. (_makes to embrace her, she puts him off and points to -windows_) - -LUCY. You've arranged with old Bristowe? - -THOR. Yes. - -LUCY. And we bike over to Ingledene Church--what time? Early of course? - -THOR. I said nine. - -LUCY. Very well. (_rises_) Now you'd better go. (_he objects_) They'll -be coming out to breakfast. - -THOR. (_again advancing_) Darling! - -LUCY. (_motions him off again_) Back windows! (_crosses up_ C. _to -house to see if they have been seen_) - -THOR. (_turning towards her_) I was going to say that I can't help -regretting the way we are treating Captain Dorvaston. - -LUCY. You mind your own business. (_she crosses down_ R. _and leans on -rustic table_) Captain Dorvaston is in my department. - -THOR. I never fully understood how you came to be engaged. (_crosses to -her_) - -LUCY. Simple enough. My father was a colonel who did some rather big -things on the Indian frontier, and in a dust up with one of the native -Princes got himself into rather a tight corner. Jack Dorvaston--he was -only a subaltern then--pulled him out of it, and in fact saved his -life; so when the governor died a year or two later, he left a strong -wish behind that the Captain should marry me. - -THOR. I understand. - -LUCY. (_crosses round and sits on tree seat_ R.) It was a queer way -of showing his gratitude, seeing that I was then a particularly -unattractive child, all elbows and knees. - -THOR. Lucy! - -LUCY. It's all right, don't be nervous; time has softened them -down. (_beckons him nearer_) I have a notion that Jack has always -funked the thing, but his colonel had given his orders, (_he sits on -table_) don't you see? And that was enough for _him_. I don't regard -discipline--military or parental--with the same amount of respect. -British freedom means the right to make a fool of one's self in one's -own way. You're my way, and that's enough for _you_. (_he tries to take -her hand, she draws it away_) Back windows! - -THOR. I suppose no one guesses that we----? - -LUCY. Mean business! No, with the exception possibly of Cook. - -THOR. Cook! (_he looks at her in surprise_) - -LUCY. Somehow I've a notion she's tumbled to it. - -THOR. Would it matter? Would she----? - -LUCY. Prattle about it? No, I think she rather likes me--tolerates -would be a better word. - -THOR. Tolerates? A woman of that class? - -LUCY. Cook is a very great personage; she rules the vicarage. Auntie -made a show of resistance at first, but Uncle and Jack have been abject -slaves from the start. - -THOR. Really? - -LUCY. Oh yes; when a woman is striking in appearance, evidently has a -past history, and can make an omelette, I don't see what's going to -stop her. - -THOR. What's her history? - -LUCY. How should I know? She was recommended to us by the Duchess -of Sturton at the time she opened the bazaar--you remember. Local -philanthropic? - -THOR. Then you've nothing tangible to go on? - -LUCY. Not from a masculine standpoint. (_rises_) Cook doesn't give -herself away, but, like Achilles, she has one vulnerable point, and in -the same locality. - -THOR. How is that? (_rising with_ LUCY) - -LUCY. She wears the neatest, quietest shoes imaginable, only I happened -to notice they have Louis heels. (_he looks in wonder_) That tells you -nothing--the inference is too subtle; but it's quite enough for me. -(GANDY _appears with butter on tray, he comes right of table_) Make a -dignified clerical exit--here comes Gandy. - -THOR. (_takes hat and backs to_ C.) I think I won't wait, Miss Lucy. -(GANDY _coughs_, THORSBY _turns nervously, and looks at him_) So will -you kindly give my message to Mr. Pillenger? - -LUCY. Certainly! - -THOR. Thank you. (_crosses to gate_ L.) Good morning! - -LUCY. Good morning. (_he looks towards_ LUCY--_catches_ GANDY'S _eye -and exits through gate_. LUCY _is applauding his exit when_ GANDY -_turns and hides her action_. LUCY _sits on garden chair and opens the -"Standard"_) Gandy! what is there for breakfast? (GANDY _has crossed to -top of table and placed butter on it_) - -GAN. H'eggs! - -LUCY. Poached? - -GAN. Biled. - -LUCY. Auntie said poached. - -GAN. Cook said biled. - -LUCY. Oh! There's some fish, isn't there? - -GAN. Kidneys. - -LUCY. But Auntie particularly mentioned fish. - -GAN. Cook thought kidneys would be _preferable_. - -LUCY. Oh! (_she reads paper_) - - (MR. PILLENGER _comes out_ C. _looking at his watch_.) - -PIL. Ah, Lucy! breakfast not ready? (LUCY _rises and crosses to_ C.) - -LUCY. Breakfast is late--as usual. - -PIL. As usual? What do you mean by as usual? - -LUCY. I mean--as usual. (_returns to seat_) - -PIL. Cook is most punctual. If some trivial hitch has occurred -this morning, I daresay a perfectly reasonable explanation will be -forthcoming. (_takes "Sporting Life" off table_) - -GAN. Kidneys was late! (_at table_) - -PIL. Kidneys was late! (_to_ LUCY)--er--were late. I knew it! That man -Skeggs' meat--which I more than suspect of being colonial--is never -delivered in time. (_to_ GANDY) Explain to Cook that the delay is of -no consequence, and beg her not to hurry. - -GAN. (_speaking as he goes_) She won't hurry! (_he goes into the -house_; PIL. _and_ LUCY _look at each other_; PIL. _then opens paper -and sees his mistake_.) - -PIL. (_takes "Standard" from_ LUCY) If I shall not be depriving you of -the "Standard"----? - -LUCY. Not at all! (_she picks up "Sporting Life"_) I'll have a look at -Jack's "Sporting Life." - -PIL. (_crossing to table, turn to her_) By the way, during the--I -trust--brief interval of time that must elapse before your marriage -with Captain Dorvaston, you might hint to him that the newspaper he -favours is at variance with the general tone of a pious household. - -LUCY. I'll mention it. - -PIL. I am obliged to you. (_crosses and sits_ L.) - - (MISS PILLENGER _comes out through French window_.) - -MISS P. Good morning, Audley! - -PIL. Good morning. (LUCY _rises, crosses and kisses_ MISS PILLENGER -_and returns_ R.) - -MISS P. Well, Lucy! - -LUCY. Good morning, Auntie. - -MISS P. Is breakfast not ready? (_looking at table through glasses_) - -PIL. No, it isn't ready--not quite ready. I have no doubt it's _nearly_ -ready. - -MISS P. I shall really have to speak sharply to Cook. (_moves towards -kitchen_) - -PIL. I see no necessity for any--er--drastic step of that description. -The delay is due to that man Skeggs. - -MISS P. Skeggs? (_returns to_ C.) - -PIL. Skeggs. It is also traceable, in a minor degree to yourself--your -injudicious selection of kidneys. - -MISS P. Kidneys? - -PIL. Yes; you are aware of my preference for fish, and therefore I -consider the substitution of kidneys---- - -MISS P. I ordered fish--and I did _not_ order kidneys. Cook is entirely -responsible for the change, and I shall certainly---- (_moves towards -kitchen again_) - -PIL. Hannah! Hannah! If Cook understood your order, which is by no -means obvious (MISS PILLENGER _crosses round and sits_ L.), she was -doubtless influenced by--er--by Lucy's partiality for kidneys. - -LUCY. I never touch them. - -PIL. Well, she couldn't know that. Really I think this discussion has -been sufficiently prolonged. - - (GANDY _comes out with breakfast. He places large salver with tea - in tea-pot, dish of kidneys, and eggs in stand on chair at top_ - R. _of table_. MR. PILLENGER _hands him the "Standard," which he - puts on back of chair. He then places eggs and dish of kidneys on - table, takes tea-pot and tray up, and crosses to_ L. _to place - it in position; he then removes cover of kidney dish, and slowly - exits through porch_.) - -PIL. Here is the breakfast. Let us endeavor to approach it in a seemly -spirit. Where is Captain Dorvaston? (LUCY _crosses to_ L.) Upon my -word, Lucy, considering the ties that will unite you, I hope _very_ -shortly, to Captain Dorvaston, I think he might conform to my rules. - -LUCY. Jack was late last night. (_sits and takes napkin out of ring_) - -PIL. He _was_. Creaking boots after midnight are a serious infliction. - -LUCY. I'll call up to him if you like. - -PIL. I should be indebted. (LUCY _rises and goes up_ C. MR. PILLENGER -_takes napkin out of ring and puts it inside his collar_) - -LUCY. (_goes up stage_) Jack! Jack! (CAPTAIN DORVASTON _opens window, -he is in his shirt sleeves_) - -DOR. Hulloa! - -LUCY. Breakfast! - -DOR. What say, little woman? - -LUCY. Breakfast! Kidneys! Devilled! (MR. PILLENGER, MISS PILLENGER -_and_ GANDY _all start_) - -PIL. Tut! tut! Broiled--broiled! - -DOR. Right-O! down in a minute! (_he shuts the window._ LUCY _returns -to the table_) - -MISS P. What are your plans for to-day, Audley? (MISS PILLENGER _has -undone napkin and is pouring out tea_) - -PIL. I expect to be rather busy. - -LUCY. It's sermon day, isn't it? (_hands toast to_ MR. PILLENGER, _and -takes an egg and toast herself_) - -PIL. It _is_. So I trust your piano practice will be reduced to a -minimum. - -LUCY. I'm going down to the village. I suppose you'll have broken the -back of it by lunch time. - -PIL. Possibly--probably! - - (DORVASTON _comes out from French window; takes_ - LUCY'S _hand between both his caressingly_.) - -DOR. 'Fraid I'm a bit late. How are you, sir? (_bowing to_ MR. -PILLENGER _and_ MISS PILLENGER) - -PIL. In my ordinary health, I am obliged to you. - -DOR. You look astonishing fit. (_sits_) Now d'you know, I feel as jumpy -as a flea. - -MISS P. Captain Dorvaston! - -DOR. Fact, ma'am! (_takes his napkin out of ring_) How are _you_ this -morning? - -MISS P. Without being actually indisposed, I feel---- (_hands tea to_ -LUCY) - -DOR. Chippy--I know; same here. Where are those kidneys you were -shouting about, Lucy? (MR. PILLENGER _hands them_) Thanks! (MR. -PILLENGER _passes kidneys to_ DORVASTON, _which he serves himself_) - -LUCY. You kept it up again last night, Jack? - -DOR. I had a gentle flutter at the Plough and Rainbow. There was a -little pool, so of course I went in. - -MISS P. I hope you changed your things, (DORVASTON _and_ LUCY _laugh_) -Captain Dorvaston. Damp clothing is so very dangerous. - -LUCY. Pool is a kind of billiards, Auntie. - -MISS P. Oh, I misunderstood! Your tea, Captain Dorvaston. (_she hands -tea to_ DORVASTON) - -DOR. Thank you, ma'am. (PILLENGER _hands salt, etc._) - -LUCY. How did you do over it? (_hands toast to_ DORVASTON) - -DOR. So so. I took a few lives at the finish. - -MISS P. Dear me! It sounds rather a bloodthirsty pastime. - -DOR. There was a man there named Crayll--nailing good player! Potted -'em just as he liked. He seemed to be a thirsty little beggar. I should -say he took a bit of knowing. - -LUCY. Who's that, Jack? - -DOR. This fellah Crayll. He's stopping at the Plough and -Thingummy--we're going to try a horse together. - -LUCY. To-day? - -DOR. Yes. Said he'd call round some time this morning. (_pause_) - -PIL. Hannah, we must dine earlier this evening, in view of the Penny -Reading. - -DOR. Another of those festive gatherings! Hope you don't expect me to -tip 'em anything this time? - -PIL. No, Captain Dorvaston; your contribution on the last occasion may -have been well intentioned--I judge no man, and will hope so---- - -DOR. Thought it was just the thing to wake 'em up after that -Shakespearian bit of yours--The Ball of Worsted. - -PIL. The Fall of Wolsey! - -MISS P. I was not present last time. What did Captain Dorvaston read? - -DOR. It was an account of the last American glove fight, don't you know? - -MISS P. Oh! - -PIL. Described with a wealth of technical detail. (_hands his cup -to_ MISS PILLENGER) The whole occurrence was most regrettable. I was -observing, Hannah, we shall have to dine earlier---- - -MISS P. I had some idea of making it a cold meal. - -PIL. Cold meal! A most unpleasant suggestion. Cold food, especially in -the evening, has a tendency to lie heavy on the stom--er--that is, I -see nothing feasible in the notion. - -DOR. Oh no, hang it all, ma'am! Cold stuff ain't the kind of thing to -do a Penny Reading on. - -MISS P. I thought under the circumstances it might be easier for Cook. - -PIL. Eh? - -DOR. What? (_long pause, the men look at her_) - -MISS P. But as you both object---- - -DOR. Hold on, ma'am! - -PIL. One moment, Hannah! - -MISS P. I will explain to Cook. - -PIL. Hannah! Hannah! You're so hasty. - -DOR. Hannah--ma'am--pity to be hasty. - -PIL. If you will permit me to explain myself, Captain Dorvaston? I have -no wish, Hannah, to add weight to Cook's very arduous duties. - -DOR. Hear, hear! (_slaps the table_) - -PIL. (_raising his voice_) And therefore it seems to me--er--unmanly to -lay stress upon possible digestive difficulties which fortitude and a -little pepsin should enable us to face with calmness. Let the meal be a -cold one. (LUCY _has folded up napkin again, and taken "Standard" from -back of chair, and is reading it_) - -DOR. Point of fact, it makes a pleasant change. - -MISS P. But, Audley! - -PIL. The question is decided. We will not pursue the subject. (_pause_) - -DOR. (_to_ LUCY) Anything in the paper? - -LUCY. There's something about the Huntworth Divorce case. - -PIL. We have no wish to hear any news relating to such a matter. - -DOR. But it's an old business, ain't it? When I was at Malta last year, -the chaps used to chat about it at mess. - -LUCY. Lord Huntworth brought the divorce, didn't he? - -PIL. Yes, Lord Huntworth was the petitioner. It was a sad case. - -DOR. I know Bob Carruthers. - -LUCY. Who's he? (_rises and crosses up to_ DORVASTON--_still reading -the paper_) - -DOR. The co---- - -PIL. Tut! tut! - -DOR. Bob was an extraordinary good chap! - -PIL. How can any individual be described as good who has occupied the -position of--er--a co-respondent? - -DOR. Bob managed it. - -PIL. You seem to ignore poor Lord Huntworth. - -DOR. Didn't know Huntworth--did know Bob. He once lent me a monkey when -I wanted it badly--lent it when _he_ wanted it badly. Devilish good -chap! - -PIL. Tut! tut! - -DOR. Beg pardon, sir--slipped out. - -LUCY. Did you know _Lady_ Huntworth, Jack? (_crosses to_ R. _and sits -under tree_) - -DOR. No. Heard she was a nice woman. - -PIL. Nice? - -DOR. So fellahs who met her used to say. - -MISS P. But I always understood the suit was undefended. - -PIL. Entirely undefended. - -DOR. Matrimonial thimblerig is a confusing game to watch. - -PIL. Thimblerig? - -DOR. Three thimbles, don't you know? Husband--wife--and the other chap. -(MR. PILLENGER _looks up_) Well, what I meant to say was, it ain't easy -for the looker-on to say which thimble the fault is under. By-the-bye, -I saw something in the paper about Lady Huntworth the other day. - -PIL. Surely the whole affair is uninteresting and unsavory? - -DOR. Noosance to forget a thing! What was the bit you were reading, -Lucy? - -LUCY. That yesterday the rule was made absolute. What does that mean? - -DOR. Only that the time was up. They keep 'em in blinkers for six -months after the verdict. (DORVASTON _draws napkin through the ring_) -But that wasn't what I read? What the devil was it now? - -PIL. Tut! Really! Really! I think we've all finished, haven't we? -(GANDY _appears with letters, three of which_ MR. PILLENGER _takes, and -two_ MISS PILLENGER) Hannah, you will probably wish to interview Cook. -(DORVASTON _rises, takes chair_ R., _sits and begins to load his pipe_) - -MISS P. I will see her in your presence. (GANDY _has come back to top -of table_) Gandy, will you ask Cook to come to me? I wish to give her -my orders. - -GAN. H'orders? (DORVASTON _fills pipe and lights it_) - -MISS P. Orders. - -GAN. I'll name it to her. (_slowly exits through porch_) - -PIL. (_opening letter, which he holds during the whole scene with_ -COOK) Hannah, I would suggest that whatever you have to say to Cook may -be said calmly and without undue severity. - -MISS P. (_opening letters which she holds during the whole scene with_ -COOK) That should be left to my discretion; a stand must be made -somewhere. - - (CAROLINE _has come out of kitchen during this; she - advances to the table_.) - -CAR. You wished to speak to me? (_the men turn and face her_) - -MISS P. Yes, Cook. I want to give you the orders for to-day's dinner. - -CAR. Certainly! What do you fancy? What would you all like? (_she -glances round, both men beam at her_) - -MISS P. Before we speak of that I have a word to say with regard to the -breakfast. - -CAR. To-morrow's breakfast? - -MISS P. No, to-day's. I am very much astonished and annoyed. - -PIL. Tut, tut! - -CAR. What was wrong with the breakfast? When I sent it out it looked -all right. - -MISS P. Why were my directions disregarded? I ordered the eggs to be -poached--you boiled them; I mentioned fried bacon--none came to table; -I requested you to procure fish--you gave us kidneys. Now what have you -to say? - -CAR. I'm afraid I forgot about the eggs? I haven't any other excuse to -offer. - -PIL. A most reasonable explanation! - -DOR. Things do slip one's memory. (MISS PILLENGER _glares at_ DORVASTON) - -CAR. I didn't cook any bacon; it had got rather low, and I didn't think -the result would please you. - -PIL. Impossible to cut rashers from bacon that is--er--practically -non-existent. - -DOR. Thing no fellah could do! (MISS PILLENGER _glares at him_) - -CAR. I remember you did mention fish, but you've had a good deal of -fish lately, so I thought I'd try you with kidneys. But if there has -been any inconvenience, I'm sorry. - -PIL. There has been no inconvenience. - -DOR. None at all. (MISS PILLENGER _glares at_ DORVASTON) - -PIL. Hannah, I think we may pass (as they say in the House of Commons) -to the orders of the day. - -DOR. Hear, hear! (PILLENGER _looks at him_) - -MISS P. Well, Cook, since you express your regret (DORVASTON _and_ LUCY -_laugh_) I will say no more. Now as to this evening, you will be in -sole charge of the house, (_both men look up_) as I have given Keziah -permission to go to the Penny Reading--so I think we will make it a -cold meal, as that will entail less washing up. - -CAR. Just as you like. - -MISS P. We will begin with salmon. - -CAR. (_reflectively_) Salmon? Yes, you might have salmon. - -MISS P. Pickled salmon. - -CAR. Oh, no, not pickled! (_both men shake their heads_) That would be -a pity! I'll make you a mayonnaise. - -PIL. Delightful! - -DOR. Rippin'! - -CAR. I shall want some lettuces. I'll tell Gandy. - -MISS P. After that we will have two cold ducklings. - -CAR. Ducklings? It's late for ducklings. - -PIL. Maturity in poultry is to be deprecated. - -DOR. Leathery beasts at this time of the year. (MISS PILLENGER _glares -at_ DORVASTON) - -MISS P. Then why not a gosling? - -CAR. It's early for geese. - -DOR. Deuced early! - -PIL. Entirely premature. - -MISS P. When I mentioned a goose I was thinking of Mr. Pillenger. -(DORVASTON _and_ LUCY _laugh_) - -PIL. Tut, tut! Hannah! - -DOR. Hope, ma'am, when you mentioned a duck, you were thinking of _me_. - -MISS P. I fail to understand you. My brother is exceedingly partial to -goose. - -CAR. There's a ham in cut, so I think we'd better fall back on fowls. -It isn't easy to do anything very novel with cold fowls, but if I stuff -and glaze them, I've no doubt they'll pass muster. - -MISS P. But, Cook, I---- - -CAR. You like sweets, of course? - -MISS P. Certainly, you had better make us---- - -CAR. Will you leave the sweets to me? I want to try a new kind of fruit -salad; it's my first attempt, but you'll find it will be all right--and -perhaps I might throw in a shape of jelly--we'll see. - -MISS P. But---- - -CAR. What time will you dine?--at least it isn't dinner--what time will -you sup? - -MISS P. At seven to-night, instead of half-past. - -CAR. Seven! I shall be ready. Is there anything else you wish to say to -me? - -MISS P. No, Cook; I don't suppose anything will be gained by my saying -any more. (_turns away and reads letters_) - -CAR. Very good! (_takes kidney dish off table_, MR. PILLENGER -_assisting her; she crosses_ C.) - -DOR. (_speaking eagerly_) Ah! here's that bit about Lady Huntworth. -(CAROLINE _looks round at him in a startled manner_) It's in the -Agony column. (_reads_) "Will Lady Huntworth communicate with Messrs. -Brampton and Stokes, Capel Court, on a matter of considerable -importance?" - -PIL. Why should we resume the discussion of that disgraceful woman? -(CAROLINE _turns and looks at him_) - -MISS P. Why, indeed? (CAROLINE _looks at her_) - -DOR. (_to_ LUCY) When we were talking just now, couldn't remember where -I'd read that. Hate to forget a thing. - -MISS P. Cook! (CAROLINE _stands thinking quietly_) Cook! - -CAR. I--beg your pardon! - -MISS P. We needn't keep you, if you quite understand about the supper. - -CAR. Oh, quite, thanks! (_exit into kitchen_; DORVASTON _rises, looks -after her_ U. B.) - -MISS P. Don't you think that woman has a very singular manner? - -PIL. Singular! No, she is certainly superior--very superior. - -MISS P. (_rises, crosses_ C.) She is _so_ superior that she seems above -taking my orders. - - (GANDY _comes out during this and continues clearing away. He - places_ MR. PILLENGER'S _chair up_ B. C. _and_ MISS PILLENGER'S - _chair up_ L. _above gate. Folds cloth over tray, and takes it - into the kitchen. Then comes back, folds up table and takes it - away into house before cue, "This is July."_) - -DOR. I wouldn't say that, (_crosses to_ C.), ma'am; she met you half -way over the salmon. (_returns to window._ MISS PILLENGER _goes up with -dignity and enters house through French window_) - -PIL. (_rises, crosses_ C.) Thorsby is late. I expected him to call. - -LUCY. He came early this morning, but he wouldn't wait. - -PIL. Tut, tut! He knows I wished to see him. I have two christenings at -one-thirty, and an interment at three. However, Lucy and--er--Captain -Dorvaston (_crosses and brings_ DORVASTON _down_) as you are together -for once--I will avail myself of the opportunity to say a few serious -words to you both. (DORVASTON _and_ LUCY _look at each other nervously_) - -DOR. Peg away, sir! (LUCY _stands near table_ R. DORVASTON _stands -centre_) - -PIL. I have no wish to appear unduly inquisitive on a subject with -which I have merely an indirect concern (_sits_ R. _of table_) but may -I enquire if you have fixed the time that will make you both--that will -make us all happy? (_puts arm on table and leans back._ LUCY _and_ -DORVASTON _again look at each other_) Has a date been arrived at? - -LUCY. Not precisely. - -DOR. Not to a day or so. - -PIL. Have you settled on the week or the month? - -DOR. No, we haven't got as far as that. But something was said about -the autumn. - -LUCY. The late autumn. - -PIL. (_has been leaning his arm on the table--now sits up and faces -them_) The late autumn! (_sits up_) But last autumn something was said -about the early spring; the question was then relegated to the late -summer. This is July, and where are we? (_he leans back and is about -to rest his arm on table, but_ GANDY _has just removed it, with the -result that he loses his balance and comes on his hand_. DORVASTON -_goes to his assistance_) - -DOR. Allow me, sir! - -PIL. Thank you. I was unaware that Gandy had removed the table. But, to -resume what I was saying--can you give me any definite information? - -DOR. You see, sir, I haven't worried Lucy, because I know girls are apt -to be a bit--a bit---- - -PIL. Well? - -DOR. Noosance! I've lost a word. Girls are apt to be a bit---- - -LUCY. Coy. - -DOR. That's it! Thanks, little woman--a bit coy. (_comes to_ PILLENGER) - -PIL. Coy! (_rises, comes_ C.) Well, the expression hardly seems to me -to convey Lucy's habitual demeanour; but in any case she is of age. -(_to_ LUCY) You were twenty-one last week I think? - -LUCY. Yes, I was. - -PIL. Your small fortune is carefully tied up. - -DOR. Quite right, sir, so it ought to be. - -PIL. Captain Dorvaston (_patting him on the shoulder_) is in a firm -financial position. - -DOR. Pretty fair as things go. - -PIL. Then why any further delay? Why not August? Nice seaside month. My -own thoughts are turning towards Eastbourne. - -DOR. I had an offer from a fellah I know to go halves in a shoot this -August, (_going to_ LUCY) but I wouldn't let that stand in the way, not -for a moment. - -LUCY. Thanks, Jack, (_crosses down_ R. _a little_) - -PIL. Take my advice, let no trivial obstacle intervene between you. Let -there be no postponement or interruption. - -DOR. There shan't be, sir. (CAROLINE _comes out from porch_) - -PIL. That's well! (_they shake hands_) That's well! - -CAR. Gandy! (_both men turn round to her without releasing hands_) - -PIL. Do you want anything, Cook? (_crosses up to her_ L.) - -DOR. Anything I could do? (_they both go up_, DORVASTON _on her_ R.) - -CAR. I wanted Gandy for a second. - -PIL. Certainly. He was here just now. - -DOR. Saw him a minute ago. - -PIL. I'll call him. (_goes_ L.) Gandy! - -DOR. Fancy he went this way. (_goes_ R.) Gandy! - -PIL. Sorry to detain you! Gandy! - -DOR. Noosance having to wait! Gandy! - -CAR. Pray don't bother about it; I only wanted him to pick me some -parsley. - -PIL. No trouble at all. Where _is_ Gandy? - -DOR. What's happened to the beggar? Could I--er--take on the job? - -PIL. Tut, tut! absurd! How should you know the proper way to--er--pick -parsley? - -DOR. Never too old to learn, sir. (_to_ CAROLINE) Where should I be -likely to drop across it? - -CAR. There's a small parsley bed over there (_she points left_) - -DOR. Right-O! (_crosses_ L., _kneels_) - -CAR. But it's really too bad to trouble you. (_crosses_ C. MR. -PILLENGER _goes with_ CAROLINE _on her_ L.) - -DOR. Not a bit! To oblige you I'd pick oakum! (_he kneels and picks -parsley_) - -PIL. I--er--regret--that--er--the absence of Gandy--as to which I shall -require some explanation, should have caused you all this inconvenience. - -CAR. It doesn't signify. Captain Dorvaston is doing the work very -nicely. - -DOR. Fact is I've broken out in a new place. Where shall I put the -pieces? (_holding up parsley_) - -CAR. In this dish. (MR. PILLENGER _takes dish from her, and_ DORVASTON -_snatches it from him--puts parsley in it, and holds it out_) - -DOR. It's very easy when you get into the swing of it. Will that be -enough? - -CAR. Plenty, thanks. - -DOR. There! (_rises, crosses to hand her bowl_; PILLENGER _trying to -get hold of it_) - -CAR. I'm much obliged. - -DOR. Don't you think I should make a good gardener? - -CAR. Capital, I should say. (_crosses to porch_) - -PIL. Tut! tut! (_she goes up stage_) - -DOR. Cook! Cook! (_she turns round_) If I try for the situation will -you give me a character? - -CAR. I'm afraid I haven't one to spare! (_he laughs; she returns to the -kitchen_) - -DOR. (_going up to window, then turns to_ PILLENGER) By George she's a -devilish--er---- - -PIL. Tut! tut! (_up_ L. C.; LUCY _knocks on the table two or three -times to draw their attention_) - -DOR. Just so, sir; but I mean she _is_--don't you know--isn't she? - -PIL. (_crosses down_ L. C.) She is undoubtedly possessed of great -refinement for anyone in her present sphere. - -DOR. Refinement! (_crosses down_ R. C.) - -PIL. We gathered from the Duchess of Sturton that Cook had seen better -days. Her Grace is somewhat vague conversationally; but we understood -as much as that. - -DOR. (_confidentially, he hides_ LUCY _from_ PILLENGER'S _view_) Funny -thing a woman like that should be running loose. Odd she hasn't married -some fellah. - -PIL. It is singular--in fact remarkable. For a certain type of man she -would make--I should say--an admirable wife. - -DOR. Just the wife for a soldier man! - -PIL. Pardon me, I disagree with you. No--she has a quietude, a -dignified reserve--that would fit her to preside over the household -of a staid medical man--or a barrister in fair practice--who was no -longer young--or even--a--a---- (_catches_ DORVASTON'S _eye_) But we're -wasting the morning. (_crosses_ L.) - -LUCY. Don't say that, uncle. (_they both stare at her_) - -PIL. Lucy! (_crosses to top of chair_ R.) - -DOR. Hulloa, little woman! Still there? - -LUCY. Yes, I'm still here. - -DOR. By George, sir, (_crosses and sits on chair facing the others_) -weren't we all chatting over something? - -PIL. I--er--think I was urging you both--to--er---- - -LUCY. You were urging us to name the day--and to avoid any kind of -trivial interruption. (_the men look at each other_) - -PIL. I--believe that is so. - -LUCY. And Jack agreed. - -DOR. Yes. - -LUCY. And I chimed in with the general sentiment. But of course--at the -time--it was impossible to foresee the parsley, (_the two men exchange -glances--she rises_) I'm going down to the village. I punctured a tire -yesterday, and I've got to fetch my bike. - -PIL. I must get to work. I'm late as it is. (_crosses_ C. _looking at -watch_) - -DOR. Make it a ten minutes' sermon, sir, weather's extr'ordinary hot. - -PIL. I beg, Captain Dorvaston, you will spare me any such irreverent -suggestions; and I trust that if you must sleep in a sacred edifice, -you will render your slumber less aggressive. (_moves to French window_) - -LUCY. You do snore, Jack--you nearly drowned the second lesson last -Sunday. - -PIL. (_turning to_ LUCY) _You_ are not blameless. As his future wife, -it is your duty--and--er--privilege--to nudge him. For what purpose has -Heaven given you elbows? (_he goes into house. Slight pause._ DORVASTON -_puts pipe away_. LUCY _crosses up, turns to chair_ R.) - -LUCY. Jack! - -DOR. Yes, little woman? - -LUCY. Do you care for me? - -DOR. 'Course I do! - -LUCY. How much? (_crosses to chair and kneels on it_) - -DOR. How much? (_rises, crosses_ C.) Well, I'm a bad hand at explaining -things. - -LUCY. For instance, would you give up a big thing for my sake? - -DOR. What sort of big thing? - -LUCY. An Empire? - -DOR. Oh, yes. - -LUCY. A peerage? - -DOR. Oh, Lord, yes! - -LUCY. Would you give up--a dish of parsley? - -DOR. (_long puzzled look_) What do you mean? I--don't understand. - -LUCY. You're a humbug! - -DOR. Sorry you think that. - -LUCY. Well, do something to please me. - -DOR. Anything I can. - -LUCY. Fetch me an orchid, (_he looks surprised_) to wear this -evening--there are lots in the orchid house--will you? - -DOR. 'Course I will. - -LUCY. Thanks. (DORVASTON _crosses up_ R. LUCY _crosses_ L. C., _and_ -DORVASTON _crosses down to her_) - -DOR. (_places hands upon_ LUCY'S _shoulder and speaking over her -shoulder_) Little woman! Ever since the time when your dear old dad -first gave us the word of command, I've always had a pretty clear -notion where the word duty came in; so when once you've pulled yourself -together, and named the day, I mean to pull myself together and do my -level damnedest to make you happy. D'you see? (_turns her round_) - -LUCY. (_facing him_) Yes, I see. (_puts hand on his shoulder_) I'm -quite sure you mean all you say, and it's nice of you to say it, and to -mean it. The only thing is, you seem to be entering upon a matrimonial -campaign without any transports. - -DOR. I don't follow. - -LUCY. (_takes him by the lapels of coat_) When I said you were a -humbug, I meant there is one person you are always trying to deceive. - -DOR. Who's that? - -LUCY. Jack Dorvaston! (_he looks bewildered_) Don't you mind what I -say; go and fetch my orchid. (_turns him round and pushes him away. He -pauses, rubs his head reflectively, and at last strolls off_ R. LUCY -_goes over to the tree and sits for a moment in thought. She suddenly -remembers the letter in tree, and jumps on seat to get it._ CAROLINE -_has come out, bringing with her two pudding basins which she places on -the seat under the garden window; she comes down to table_ R. _to take -up the newspaper, she catches sight of_ LUCY _who is trying to get the -letter out of cavity_) - -CAR. (_coming_ C.) Shall I do that? - -LUCY. Oh, Cook, is that you? (_turning quickly_) You startled me. - -CAR. Did I? I'm sorry. - -LUCY. What was it you said? - -CAR. I offered to get your letter for you. I have a longer reach. - -LUCY. What letter? (_jumps down_) - -CAR. The latest one from Mr. Thorsby. - -LUCY. Cook! How dare you? - -CAR. I'm not naturally timid. - -LUCY. You are excessively impertinent. - -CAR. Am I? Very likely. But as that is your opinion, I'll chance a -rather rude question--When are you going to bolt with Mr. Thorsby? - -LUCY. What do you mean? I'm foolish to listen to you at all. I shall go -to my uncle and aunt and tell them what you've just said. (_comes close -to_ COOK, _then wavers and takes a step back_) - -CAR. (_pause_) If I am mistaken about you and Mr. Thorsby, you would be -quite right to tell them. Am I mistaken? (LUCY _tries to brave her, but -her head droops_) Quite so! Then I think I would get the compromising -letter out of the tree and say no more about it--unless you'll let _me_ -do it. (_makes a movement to get letter_) - -LUCY. Oh, no! (_she jumps hastily on seat and gets letter_) There! I -don't care if you _do_ know. Anybody may know after to-morrow. - -CAR. So it's to be to-morrow? - -LUCY. (_jumps down_) Yes, it is. I am bound to trust you--I can't help -myself; so if you choose to give the whole thing away, you can. - -CAR. I shan't do that. On the contrary, I should like to do any little -thing I could to help you. (LUCY _looks in wonder_) - -LUCY. Thank you. (_slight pause; sits_) How did you find -out--about--us? (_looking at_ COOK) - -CAR. (_goes up a step_) Two or three Sundays ago--I was coming home -about ten in the evening--it was my Sunday out--and as I came round the -corner, you and Mr. Thorsby were outside the gate. - -LUCY. Oh! (_her eyes drop_) - -CAR. You were supposed to be spending the evening with your friend Mrs. -Bronson, if you remember? - -LUCY. Yes. - -CAR. You didn't hear me coming and Mr. Thorsby said good-night to you. - -LUCY. Oh! - -CAR. He said it--very thoroughly. - -LUCY. Yes--I believe he did. - -CAR. That was how I found out. - -LUCY. (_after slight pause_) How funny it seems to be talking to you -about it all. What did you think--when you saw--what you saw? - -CAR. I was rather amused. - -LUCY. What did you think of _me_? - -CAR. Need we go into that? - -LUCY. I should like you to say. - -CAR. Well, to tell you the truth, I thought you weren't going quite -straight. - -LUCY. Because of Captain Dorvaston? - -CAR. Yes. - -LUCY. I don't care for Captain Dorvaston--and I do care for Mr. -Thorsby. Surely it's better to marry the man you love? - -CAR. I daresay it would be. I have nothing to say against Mr. -Thorsby--he seems a very pleasant young fellow. I shouldn't think he -would take to drink (LUCY _looks in surprise_) or turn out badly to any -special extent. Of course, one can't tell beforehand. - -LUCY. Cook! (_surprised_) - -CAR. It would be all right if you weren't engaged to another man. - -LUCY. But Jack isn't in love with _me_! (_rises_) - -CAR. You think not? - -LUCY. He likes me, and he wouldn't admit to anybody--certainly not to -himself--that I wasn't all the world to him, and a bit over; but in the -way of _real_ love he doesn't care a rap for _me_. He doesn't care--a -sprig of parsley! (_they look at each other_, COOK _smiles_, _and then_ -LUCY _takes it up_) - -CAR. Ah! that makes a difference. (_slight pause_) Well, I must see to -the mayonnaise. (_she turns and goes up to the seat under the kitchen -window, she begins to break eggs into the basin._ LUCY _goes up to -porch and sits on it, leaning her head against the pillar_) - -LUCY. Do you know, I think you've been trying to be very kind to me? - -CAR. Not at all. - -LUCY. I was wondering--if you would tell me a little--about yourself. - -CAR. Tell you what? - -LUCY. Tell me--about--your life. - -CAR. My life! No. It's waste of time to discuss failures. - -LUCY. You are a riddle--because you are--pardon me--a lady. - -CAR. Well? - -LUCY. And yet--yet--(_looking away_) Who are you? What are you? - -CAR. The Vicar's cook. (_their eyes meet_) You will do me a favor, Miss -Pillenger, if you will leave it at that. - -LUCY. Oh, certainly! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be inquisitive. - - (_Church clock chimes the half-hour._) - -CAR. I'm sure you didn't. - -LUCY. I ought to go down to the village. (_crosses to French window_) - -CAR. (_takes up fork and begins to stir eggs_) Don't let me make you -late for any appointment. (COOK _puts bowl on window_; LUCY _tries to -laugh, and exits through French window_) - - (DORVASTON _enters with large orchid_.) - -DOR. Here you are, little woman,. (_looks for_ LUCY) - -CAR. She has gone down to the village. - -DOR. Hulloa! Are you there, Cook? (_goes to her_) - -CAR. Yes. - -DOR. Doing a bit of al fresco cooking? - -CAR. I'm mixing the mayonnaise. - -DOR. Are you, by George! That's devilish interesting. I suppose, now, -the kitchen's a bit hot for things that go off color. - -CAR. Yes. - -DOR. Eggs, for instance. (_sits_ R. _of_ COOK) I suppose you start with -eggs as a ground plan--and then--and then you beat 'em. I often thought -I should like to beat eggs. (_seriously_) - -CAR. (_rising_) You can beat these; at least, you can stir them, if -you've a fancy that way. I want to baste my two fowls. - -DOR. Oh! (_disappointed, stops stirring_) - -CAR. (_she gives him the basin; pause; rises and turns to porch_) Don't -leave off stirring till I come back. - -DOR. (_beginning to stir_) Not for worlds. (COOK _turns_) But basting -now, basting must be an unusual engrossing branch of the science. -Couldn't I come and watch you baste? - -CAR. (_standing at entrance to porch_) No; go on with the eggs please. -That orchid seems rather in your way. - -DOR. Got it for Lucy to wear to-night. - -CAR. Give it me. - -DOR. Thanks! (_gives it to her_) - -CAR. Tell her I'm taking care of it. (_going_) - -DOR. I say, Cook! - -CAR. (_pausing_) Yes. - -DOR. I want awfully to have a chat with you. (_edging to end of bench_) - -CAR. You're chatting now. (_leans against post and faces_ DORVASTON) - -DOR. Can't talk here--people about--and there's the basting. - -CAR. That's true. - -DOR. You'll be all alone this evening. Don't fancy I shall want much -of the Penny Reading--a ha'porth will be plenty. Thought I'd stroll -back--and _then_, don't you understand? - -CAR. I think I understand _you_, but I'm doubtful if you quite -understand me. I've an idea that what you want to say wouldn't interest -me at all. - -DOR. (_rises_) You're wrong. I don't mean an atom of harm--swear I -don't. What I want to say I would say before anybody--only I'd rather -talk it over quietly. May I come? - -CAR. If you like. - -DOR. Then you believe in me? - -CAR. (_pauses_) Yes, I think I do. What time are you likely to be back? - -DOR. Round about nine thirty. - -CAR. Nine thirty! All right! Don't forget to stir the eggs (_he begins -eagerly_) Very gently. (_enters porch and then kitchen._ DORVASTON -_watches her off and is looking through window, still stirring, when_ -PILLENGER _comes out of French window_) - -PIL. Captain Dorvaston! Captain Dorvaston! Captain Dorvaston! -(DORVASTON _turns to him_) If you are at leisure I should be glad -if---- (_seeing basin and pointing to it_) What is that? - -DOR. Fancy they call it a pudden basin. - -PIL. What are you----? why should you----? - -DOR. I'm stirring the eggs for the mayonnaise. Cook asked me to. - -PIL. Tut, tut! I have received a letter from the lawyers, respecting -the draught copy of your marriage settlement. I gave it to you. May I -ask you to fetch it! - -DOR. Just now, sir? - -PIL. Naturally. Why not? - -DOR. Promised I wouldn't leave off stirring. Look here, sir, if I fetch -the paper, will you go on with the eggs? (_gives him basin--they both -stir--so as not to stop_) - -PIL. Well, rather than cause--er--domestic inconvenience (_takes -basin_) but have the goodness to make haste. The position is not -without embarrassment. - -DOR. I'll look sharp, sir. (_crosses up back_) Don't forget to stir -very gently. - -PIL. The caution is quite superfluous. (_crosses to back of chair_ R.) - - (MISS PILLENGER _comes out followed by_ LUCY; _both - dressed for walking_.) - -DOR. Hulloa, ma'am! Going for a prowl? - -MISS P. Fowl? (_crosses_ C.) - -PIL. Tut, tut! (_conceals the basin behind him_) - -MISS P. (_crossing to him_) You here, Audley? I am accompanying Lucy to -the village. I imagined you were writing your sermon. - -PIL. I have been delayed by--er--unforeseen interruptions (DORVASTON -_tells_ LUCY _about basin; she goes up behind_ PILLENGER _and taps -it_) You are yourself wasting the freshness of the morning. - -MISS P. I thought the moment was opportune for the purchase of your new -socks. - -PIL. Tut, tut! - -MISS P. But you have given me no instructions as to pattern or texture. - -PIL. Both are indifferent to me. I rely on your taste and judgment. - -MISS P. I will go then. (_she moves_ L.; DORVASTON _opens gate and -stands talking to her_; LUCY _laughs_) - -PIL. What is amusing you, Lucy? - -LUCY. I was laughing because---- - -PIL. I have no wish to hear. I object to frivolity. - -LUCY. Do you, uncle? (_crosses_ L.) Wait for me, Auntie. (_turns to_ -DORVASTON) Jack, where's my orchid? - -DOR. Cook is taking care of it. - -LUCY. (_looking at_ PILLENGER) What a treasure Cook is. (_looking at_ -DORVASTON) I wonder what any of us would do without her? (_exit. The -two men face each other for a second_) - -DOR. (_laughs_) Sorry I let you in, sir, (_coming_ C.) but Lucy won't -say anything. I'll be back directly--and, I say, you won't forget to -stir very gently? (_exit off_) - -PIL. (_angrily_) No, I won't! No, I won't! No, I won't! (_crosses; -sits_ R. _of table, stirs violently for a moment, then remembers and -slows down_; COOK _comes out_) - -CAR. Captain Dorvaston! (_sees_ PILLENGER) Is Captain Dorvaston---- -(_he turns round_) Oh, you've got it! (_comes to top of table_) - -PIL. The basin? Yes. I was compelled to interrupt Captain Dorvaston, so -I was endeavoring to supply his place; I fear with poor results. (_puts -paper on seat_) - -CAR. Let me look? (_takes basin, crosses a little_ C.) Thanks. (_she -looks at it_) Oh, no--it's all right. - -PIL. I am relieved to hear it. Still, it probably needs -the--er--hum--the final touch of the artist. (_she turns to go_) You -don't care for--er--compliments? - -CAR. (_looking round_) No! (_coming_ C.) - -PIL. Rather an unkind restriction. - -CAR. A bird of some experience is apt to change its first opinion of -bird-lime. - -PIL. Yes, very true. But compliments that are the expression of honest -and--er--respectful appreciation--what of them? - -CAR. I don't know. I've never met that kind of compliment. If you'll -excuse me, I'll go back to the fowls. (_going up_) - -PIL. (_he follows her between tree and table to porch_) I have no right -to detain you from more congenial society. (_door bell heard_) But I -have something I particularly wish to say to you. (_she looks at him_) -Something I wish to explain. - -CAR. Certainly! What is it? - -PIL. My explanation might--in fact, would occupy some time. (_door bell -heard more violently_) The present moment is obviously ill-chosen for -the purpose. You will be the sole occupant of the house this evening. - -CAR. Shall I? - -PIL. _Every_body--Keziah included--is going to the Penny Reading--even -Gandy has asked permission to visit his aged mother. - -CAR. Has he an aged mother? I didn't know. - -PIL. He doesn't lay much stress on her--she suffers from spasms, and is -a Nonconformist. - -CAR. Well? - -PIL. I thought if I came back early from the Parish room, I could -explain what I--er--wish to explain. (_very violent ring at bell -without interruption_) - -CAR. You would discuss this all-important matter in the kitchen? - -PIL. If you--er--see no objection. - -CAR. It's your kitchen, and your responsibility; but if I were you I -wouldn't explain. - -PIL. Do you prohibit me from doing so? - -CAR. No, come if you like. What time am I to expect you? - -PIL. About nine o'clock. It's a quiet hour, and usually free from -callers. - -CAR. We'll hope it will prove so. Very well--till nine o'clock then. -(_she goes into kitchen--he crosses up to French window at_ COOK'S -_exit, still looking after her, buried in thought_. CRAYLL _comes -through gateway, stands at steps, sees_ PILLENGER _and speaks_) - -CRAY. Mornin'! (PILLENGER _does not hear, so_ CRAYLL _prods him in back -with stick_) Mornin'. - -PIL. Eh! Oh, good morning! (_comes_ C.) - -CRAY. What time's the funeral? - -PILL. Funeral? - -CRAY. Ain't anybody dead? I rang your beastly front door bell till my -arm ached; so I turned it up and came round to the back. - -PIL. My butler--er--my male servant--is rather remiss. But to the best -of my knowledge, he is still alive. - -CRAY. Damn sorry for it. - -PIL. Tut, tut! - -CRAY. What's the matter? - -PIL. I cannot countenance such language. My sacred calling---- - -CRAY. (_looking at him more attentively_) Oh, I see! Didn't know you -were a magpie. Come to think of it, s'pose I passed your place of -business a little way up the road, (_pointing up_ L.) - -PIL. Er--hum--yes. - -CRAY. Oh, well then, I take back the damn. After all, it don't do to -open one's front door too quick. S'pose you thought I was the Water -Rate. (_puts foot on chair, pulls out handkerchief, and dusts boot_) - -PIL. No, sir. - -CRAY. Gas? - -PIL. Certainly not. - -CRAY. Then what the devil did you think? (_dusts other boot_) - -PIL. I had no theory on the subject; and as to your language--I really -must beg---- - -CRAY. Beg? Yes, that's your trade. Same time I'll take back the devil. -We don't often part company. Talking of the devil, did you ever have -D.T.? - -PIL. D.T.? D.T.? If you refer to the "Daily Telegraph," I usually read -the "Standard." - -CRAY. No, no! D.T. Jim-jams! - -PIL. Jim-jams? - -CRAY. Delirium tremens--ever had 'em? - -PIL. Eh? What? Never, sir, never! - -CRAY. Lucky beast! Well, when you _do_ have 'em, you'll know 'em again. -I've had 'em twice. - -PIL. Really! - -CRAY. The last bout was a blazer. A man generally sees snakes, or rats, -or spiders. It was spiders with me. (_makes movement of spider on_ -PILLENGER'S _chest_) - -PIL. Was it indeed? - -CRAY. Yes--fat brutes with as many legs to 'em as an Empire ballet--all -over the walls by day--all over the bed at night. If you lit a candle -you saw 'em--if you didn't you felt 'em. Pah! filthy devils! (_sits -exhausted_) Could I have a whiskey and soda? - -PIL. You haven't mentioned the object of your visit. - -CRAY. Man named Dorvaston hangs out here, don't he? - -PIL. Captain Dorvaston is my guest at present. - -CRAY. Thought so. Promised to look him up. We're goin' to price -a horse--a nailer--risin' thirteen--and well up to Dorvaston's -weight--which is sayin' somethin'. - -PIL. Captain Dorvaston's physique is substantial. - -CRAY. If he stood on your foot, I expect you'd ask him to move. - -PIL. Probably! - -CRAY. He's goin' to be somethin' to you by marriage, ain't he? - -PIL. He is affianced to my niece. - -CRAY. Hope he'll like it. (_takes cigar out of case_) - -PIL. Why should he not, sir? - -CRAY. I daresay you stick up for marriage--double blessedness and all -that kind of muck. (_biting end of cigar_) - -PIL. I regard the married state as best calculated to confer the -greatest happiness that--er--the---- - -CRAY. Have you ever bin married? (_looking up at him_) - -PIL. No. - -CRAY. (_lights cigar_) I thought not. You beggars are always jawin' -about what you don't understand. You've never had D.T., but that -wouldn't stop you preaching about drink. You've never bin married, and -yet you get up in the pulpit and talk about Hell as if you knew the -country. - -PIL. May I ask, Mr.--er---- - -CRAY. Crayll. - -PIL. May I enquire, Mr. Crayll, if _you_ are married? - -CRAY. (_blows out light and smiles_) Not at present. - - (DORVASTON _comes out_.) - -PIL. Ah! Here is Captain Dorvaston. - -DOR. (_coming to_ PILLENGER C.) There's the paper you wanted, sir. It -took a bit of finding. Keziah cleaned my room out yesterday. (_gives it -to him_) Hulloa, Crayll! (_slaps him on back and crosses_ L.) - -CRAY. Hulloa! (_rises_) - -PIL. (_to_ DORVASTON) Now you have come, I will ask Mr. Crayll to -excuse me. - -CRAY. Don't name it. (_crosses to_ L.) Dorvaston will see to me. I -daresay he knows where the whiskey's kept. (DORVASTON _laughs and goes -up a step or two with_ PILLENGER) - -PIL. (_aside_) Surely a most offensive person. (_crosses up_) - -DOR. He's all right, sir. He takes a bit of knowing. (PILLENGER _goes -into the house_) - -CRAY. Now, for the Lord's sake get me a drop of whiskey to wash the -parson out of my mouth. - -DOR. (C.) Whiskey it is! Take potash with it? - -CRAY. A little potash. (_crosses_ R.) - -DOR. Right-O! Have a look at "Sporting Life"? - -CRAY. What d'ye fancy for the Leger? - -DOR. Centipede! It's a dead snip. You should have a bit on it. - -CRAY. No, thank ye. Don't like the name--it's too spidery. (DORVASTON -_goes up to kitchen window unseen by_ CRAYLL. CRAYLL _crosses behind -chair, gets "Sporting Life," comes round_ L. _of table, puts hat on -ground, stick behind him, and starts to read paper_) - -DOR. Cook! Cook! (_at window_ COOK _appears_) - -CAR. Yes? - -DOR. Fact is, friend of mine has just turned up, and he's unusual -thirsty. Would you bring him out a whiskey and potash? - -CAR. Certainly. - -DOR. Very kind of you--extr'ordinary kind. - -CAR. Not at all. (_she disappears from window._ DORVASTON _goes back -to_ CRAYLL) - -DOR. Look here, I'll run up and put another coat on, and then we'll -start. - -CRAY. How about the whiskey? - -DOR. It'll be here directly. (_exits through French window_) - -CRAY. Thank ye. (_he resumes the newspaper_; COOK _comes to table_ R. -_with small tray containing whiskey, etc.; she brings it down to small -table, and speaks before putting the tray down_) - -CAR. Whiskey and potash! - -CRAY. All right! (_he puts down cigar on tray and turns slowly, the -paper falls. They face each other in mutual astonishment_) - -CRAY. Goodness a'mighty! (_slight pause_) Is that you? (_she is -silent_) Is that you? (_speaking louder_) - -CAR. Yes--what then? - -CRAY. Phew! (_wipes his forehead_) When I saw you standin' there, -dressed like that, I thought I'd got 'em again. Damned if I didn't. - -CAR. Why? - -CRAY. Why, who'd expect to see Lady Huntworth masqueradin' as a cook. - -CAR. I'm not Lady Huntworth any longer. Surely Lord Huntworth is the -last person who should need the reminder. - -CRAY. I'm not Lord Huntworth down here. My name's Crayll for the -present. - -CAR. Really? - -CRAY. I'm keepin' out of the way--for--reasons. - -CAR. The local police don't strike me as being very shrewd. - -CRAY. Police! What d'you mean? It's duns I'm hidin' from. - -CAR. Duns! - -CRAY. It's debt--it ain't crime. - -CAR. Ah! not yet. Well, good-day, Mr. Crayll. I must go back to my -cooking. (_crosses up_) - -CRAY. Here, hold on. Damn it, don't be in such a hurry. (_crosses down_ -C.) I want to talk to you. - -CAR. I have to baste the fowls. - -CRAY. Curse the beastly fowls. I must see you alone for half-an-hour, -d'you hear? - -CAR. I hear. - -CRAY. It's infernal important. Will you meet me to-night? - -CAR. No. - -CRAY. Why not? What are you afraid of? - -CAR. I'm not afraid of _you_. I think you know that. - -CRAY. That long fool will be back in a minute. You'll see me somehow -to-night, because--you've damned well got to--d'you understand? - -CAR. I haven't the smallest notion why you want to see me, but since -fate has played me a final dirty trick by throwing us together again, -perhaps we _had_ better understand each other. So you can come here -this evening for half-an-hour. I shall be alone. You had better tap at -the window. - -CRAY. That'll do--I'll come. - -CAR. What time shall I have the honor? - -CRAY. I'll get here about nine. - -CAR. (_smiling_) Nine! You must make it earlier than that. I expect I -shall be rather busy about nine. - -CRAY. Eight-thirty then. - -CAR. Yes, that would suit me. (_crosses to porch and then stops_) - -CRAY. (_turns and sees she is in hesitation_) Is there anything else? - -CAR. (_crosses down_ C. _to him_) As you seem to want to talk about -something important you might break through a rule for once--and turn -up in a possible condition. - -CRAY. Not come drunk--is that what you mean? - -CAR. No, I don't want to be unreasonable. At that time in the evening -you are certain to be drunk,--but try not to be _too_ drunk to be -coherent. I'll expect you at eight-thirty. (_she goes up stage, stands -at kitchen window; after she has gone_ CRAYLL _picks up cigar from tray -and draws at it, finding it out he throws it down violently and swears. -He then pours out whiskey and drinks._ DORVASTON _comes out dressed for -walking_) - -DOR. Ready, old chap? (CRAYLL _half chokes_) - -CRAY. In half-a-minute. (_drinks more whiskey_) - -DOR. (_speaking across to_ COOK) Ah! Cook! friend and I are going for a -stroll. - -CAR. It's a pleasant day for walking. - -DOR. How is our mayonnaise coming on? (CRAYLL _looks up on hearing -this_) - -CAR. Very well, I think. - -DOR. That's all right! (_to_ CRAYLL, _who has been listening vacantly_) -Shall we get along? - -CRAY. Yes. (DORVASTON _goes out at the gate_; CRAYLL _puts hat on, -takes stick, rises, crosses_ L. C., _and looks back. As he does so_, -COOK _turns and looks at him_) Goodness A'mighty. (_he then goes out at -gate_) - - (_After he has gone_ COOK _comes down to the rustic table - and takes up "Standard."_) - -CAR. (_reads_) "Will Lady Huntworth communicate with Brampton and -Stokes, Capel-Court, on a matter of considerable importance?" (_she -stands in thought for a moment, then turns and goes up, reading the -paper as she goes_) - - CURTAIN. - - - - -ACT II. - - SCENE.--_The Vicarage kitchen, according to plan._ - - TIME.--_Evening._ - - (_As curtain rises_ COOK _takes salmon to larder_ R. U. E. _and - returns to table down_ L. _with fruit salad_; GANDY _enters with - butler's tray; crosses to_ R. _of table_; KEZIAH _enters and - takes ham to larder and returns to dresser_.) - - -GAN. Sweets, Cook! - -CAR. Quite ready! (_clearing tray of chicken dish and plates_) They -seem to have taken very kindly to the stuffed fowls. - -GAN. Oh, horful! There's 'ardly a gizzard left for hus to make a supper -of. Dorvaston's the worst. - -KEZ. (_at dresser_) Oh, and master too. (_takes plates_) I thought he'd -'ave bust 'imself--I did reelly. (_crosses to top of_ GANDY, _places -plates on butler's tray_) - -GAN. They told me to look sharp. It's wonderful they don't want a rest. -(CAROLINE _holds up dish of fruit salad_; GANDY _takes dish in both -hands admiringly; then lets_ COOK _put it on tray_) So that's it, Cook? -It looks lovely. - -CAR. Glad you like it. - -GAN. (_takes up tray_) It ain't no good _me_ likin' it, I shan't get -none--they'll see to that. (_moves to_ R. KEZIAH _moves to follow him_) -Keziah, don't you come. You'll never wait at table--your mind can't -rise above 'anding bread when nobody wants it. (_she returns to top of -table; he carries tray to door_ R., _then pauses_) It _do_ look lovely. -Let's pray to 'eaven they don't eat it all. (_he goes out_; COOK -_crosses to larder with chicken and back round top down to_ L.) - -KEZ. (_at top of table clearing_) Gandy's a bit narked to-night. (_rubs -knives with a piece of rag_) When there's a bit of anythink extra for -supper, 'e does grodge it to 'em, don't 'e? Now with me it's, as you -may say, different. If any trifle takes me fancy--such as a breast of -chicken--or what not--while it's bein' carved I simply turn me 'ead -away. - -CAR. (L. _of table arranging plates_) Take these plates into the -scullery. - -KEZ. Yus, Cook. Not as it always answers. (COOK _crosses to larder with -salad dish_) I wes 'anding that sauce stuff--I forgot what you call it, -Cook---- - -CAR. Mayonnaise. (_at larder; crosses back to_ L. _of table and begins -to put radishes in bowl into glass dish_) - -KEZ. Yus, Cook, that was it--in a butter boat. Well, I was 'anding it -to old Madam as the Captain cut himself off--oh, such a slice of 'am--I -dote on 'am, I do, reelly. Well, I had to shet me eyes, and just then -Gandy hustled me with 'is elbow, and me wrist turned, as you may say, -sudden like, and I upset the myanneasy on to milady's gown. She did -talk to me a treat. (_takes fish plates to scullery_; GANDY _enters -hastily, stands_ C.) - -GAN. Now then, Keziah, one claret glass short. That's your silly fault. -(KEZIAH _crosses to dresser, gets glass and hands it to_ GANDY R.; -_then returns to dresser for plates_) - -CAR. Do they seem to fancy the fruit salad? - -GAN. Fancy it! Dorvaston and the governor are both in their second -'elpings. It's 'ideous to see 'em--'ideaous! - -KEZ. (_at dresser_) I shall be awful late with me washin' up. (_crosses -to window with plates_) I shall miss a good 'alf of it. - -CAR. (_crosses to larder for cheese_) I'll wash the glass and silver -for you. - -KEZ. (_crosses to top of table and takes chicken plates to scullery, -leaving four forks on table_) That's wonderful good of you, Cook; it is -reelly. D'you know I'm in two minds which 'at to wear. - -CAR. Are you? (_crosses from larder to table_ R. _with cheese, places -it at top of table_) - -KEZ. (_fingering top of chair_ L.) The straw's tasty; but the large 'at -with the flowers is more dressy like. - -CAR. I wouldn't wear the large one with the flowers. (_returning to -larder for butter_) - -KEZ. Wouldn't you now? - -CAR. (_stops on her way to larder_ C.) It might have been made in the -Old Kent Road. - -KEZ. Might it, now? Is that in London? (_sits_ L.) - -CAR. Yes. (_crosses to_ R. _of table with butter, and stands at the -head_) - -KEZ. At the shop where I bought it, they told me as it was copied from -a London pattern, so I dessay you're right, Cook. Well, I could wear -the straw, but--(GANDY _enters with tray_--KEZIAH _rises, crosses to -window ledge for cheese plates_) - -GAN. (_speaking sadly_) Now then, cheese--cheese. (COOK _is at top of -table clearing butler's tray_) - -CAR. I see they've finished the fruit salad. - -GAN. Finished it! Of course they've finished it. It's 'eartbreakin'. -Put the dish away, and let me try to forget it. - -KEZ. (_comes down to table_ L.) 'As the Governor still bin goin' it? -(_putting cheese plates on butler's tray_; COOK _places cheese and -butter on butler's tray_) - -GAN. I should think 'e 'ad. Ah! and it will pay 'im out. This night's -work'll lie 'eavy on 'im. I know 'is constitooshon. Ready, Cook! A bit -of that cheddar all round ought to just settle 'em. (COOK _takes fruit -dish to larder_, KEZIAH _crosses to top of table, and puts radishes on -butler's tray_. GANDY _hurries out_.) - -KEZ. As I was sayin', Cook, (_calls_) as I was sayin' I could wear the -straw, only I'm wishful to look me best, cos the young gentleman as I'm -walkin' out with at present'll be there. - -CAR. Oh! (_crosses to_ R. _of table, takes cloth out of drawer, and -back to_ C.) - -KEZ. We shan't be able to sit together, cos of old Madam--"I don't -allow no followers," she said when I come after the place--"I don't -allow no followers"--You know 'er sniffy way? (KEZIAH _takes plates to -scullery, leaving spoons on table_) - -CAR. (_puts cloth on table, crosses to mantel and gets matches off -bracket_) What does your young gentleman do when he isn't following? - -KEZ. Didn't I tell you? (_comes back to table_) 'E's at Bilkins, (_sits -on table_ R.) the pork butchers. You remember that pound of sausages -that came from me aunt at Cambridge? (COOK _nods_) That was 'im--'e -began with sausages--(COOK _lights gas over stove_ L.) next comes along -a photograph frame, last week _pig's feet_ and a _shell pin-cushion_. -'E's free 'anded, as you may say. - -CAR. He must be. (_crosses to_ R.) - -KEZ. Won't you be feelin' lonesome (COOK _lights gas_ R. _and leaves -match-box on dresser_) this evenin'? All of us out--and Gandy goin' to -see 'is mother. She lives two stations down the line and used to take -in washin'. - -CAR. No, I don't fancy I shall feel lonesome. - -KEZ. I'll (_jumps off table, comes round and sits on chair_ R. _and -gets book out of drawer_) lend you my girl's "Special Monthly Journal." -There's a most _interestin'_ tale in this number. It's in 'ere. There's -an _'url_ and 'e goes ridin' through a wood and 'e's all dressed up in -armour, you know--just like the dish covers. (COOK _crosses to window, -gets knife basket and comes down to top of table_) I say, Cook, when -you lived in London did _you_ ever see any 'urls? - -CAR. One or two. - -KEZ. And do they dress themselves up like that? - -CAR. Not as a rule. (_cleaning spoons and putting them in basket_) - -KEZ. My word, I wish I'd bin born a toff! They must find life come easy. - -CAR. (_at top of table_) Not always. Trouble is like a postman--sooner -or later he knocks at _every_ door. - -KEZ. Why, they can eat and drink just what they like. - -CAR. No. After a time their doctors have a word to say. - -KEZ. And they can wear just what suits 'em. - -CAR. They wear whatever their dressmakers and tailors tell them to -wear--whether it suits them or not. It generally doesn't. - -KEZ. Any'ow they don't 'ave to pay for their breakages. - -CAR. In the long run they pay just as heavily for their breakages as -you do for yours. (_crosses and replaces basket on window ledge and -comes down_ L.) - -KEZ. My word! Think of that now! (GANDY _enters and puts down tray on -table_; KEZIAH _jumps up and crosses to head of table_) - -GAN. That's over. (_sits_) I'm fair sick of it. The governor is rushin' -on to 'is fate. (COOK _takes off the bread, cheese and glasses and -puts them on lower end of table_; KEZIAH _takes up cheese plates, -knives, butter and radish dish, leaving the syphon, decanter of whiskey -and one glass till the last_) Took radishes with 'is cheese. (KEZIAH -_looks horrified_) Keziah, I have brought out the Captain's whiskey and -syphon--I shan't be 'ere to-night, so you must take 'em up to 'is room -the last thing, d'ye 'ear? - -KEZ. I 'ear. (_she takes whiskey, soda, and glass to window ledge_) - -GAN. I've done most of the clearin' away. (COOK _takes cheese to -larder_) - -CAR. (_to_ KEZIAH) Bring me the bowl, Keziah, and then you can put your -things on. (KEZIAH _crosses to table, takes butler's tray and places -it against wall above meat jack, then goes to scullery for bowl. To_ -GANDY, _coming out of larder and crossing_ L.) Will you have your -supper now? (KEZIAH _brings hot water to top of table; then takes glass -radish dish and butter dish into larder_) - -GAN. No, thank'ee. They've put me off it. I shall try to pick a bit by -and bye when I get to mother's. - -CAR. (_to_ GANDY) Is your mother a good cook? (L. _of table_) - -GAN. No, she ain't; far from it! 'Er jints are flabby, and 'er pie -crust is h'ashfelt. - -KEZ. (_coming out of larder_) Is there anything more, Cook, as I can do? - -CAR. No, thanks. (COOK _takes plates into scullery_) - -KEZ. Good night, Gandy. (_crosses to door_ R.) - -GAN. Not so much Gandy! _Mr._ Gandy would do you more credit, and might -lead to a cap ribbon at Christmas. (COOK _comes out of scullery, takes -large radish bowl and re-enters scullery_) It's 'ard on a respectable -man to mix with such riff-raff. - -KEZ. Riff-raff your own self. Why, for two pins--I'd---- - -CAR. Keziah! (_at scullery door, crosses_ L. _again_) - -KEZ. (_meekly_) Yus, Cook! (C.) - -CAR. Go and dress. - -KEZ. Yus, Cook; I'm sorry as I spoke hasty before you. - -CAR. Very well, go along; you'll be late. - -KEZ. Yus, Cook. (_she goes quietly to door_ R., _then turns and speaks -very respectfully_) Good-night, Mr. Gandy. (_she then goes out_) - -GAN. (COOK _takes bread to larder top way and returns round top_ L.) -That's the worst of domestic service--one 'as to put up with the cheek -of h'underlings. It ain't a fit life for such as h'us--we're a good -many cuts above it. (_he rises_) Well, Cook, I shall 'ave to change my -coat, so if you will excuse me---- - -CAR. Certainly! (_washing glasses_) - -GAN. But before I go to-night, I should like 'alf a word with you about -a little matter which 'as bin floatin' on the top of my mind for this -month past. - -CAR. Won't it keep? - -GAN. No, it won't--not if you was to put it in the refrigerator. - -CAR. People change their minds sometimes. - -GAN. I shan't change my mind. - -CAR. Well, change your coat, or you'll miss your train. (_he moves -towards the door, as he does so_ LUCY _enters dressed for the evening, -but with cloak on_) - -LUCY. Cook! I've come for my orchid. (_crosses to_ C.) - -CAR. I'll fetch it. (_crosses to window_; LUCY _crosses to chair_ R. -_of table_) - -LUCY. Gandy, I thought you were going to see your mother to-night. - -GAN. So I h'am, miss--I am just h'off. (_goes out_ R.) - -CAR. Here it is. (_crosses down_ R. _of_ LUCY) - -LUCY. Thanks! - -CAR. Shall I pin it in? - -LUCY. Thanks! (COOK _arranges the flower_) - -CAR. What time to-morrow do you take the plunge? - -LUCY. Oh, quite early in the morning, before anybody is up. Mr. Thorsby -will fetch me. - -CAR. I see. - -LUCY. Why did you want to know? - -CAR. So that I should think of you and wish you luck. - -LUCY. I don't see what reason you have to wish me luck. - -CAR. You're a nice child--and I was always fond of children. - - (DORVASTON _comes in--he is in evening dress with light overcoat - and carries a small music-case--he doesn't see_ LUCY _at first_.) - -DOR. I say, Cook, I--ah! (COOK _backs and he sees_ LUCY) I--hulloa, -Lucy! - -LUCY. Well, Jack, what do _you_ want? (COOK _retires round top of table -down_ L. _and resumes her glass-washing_) - -DOR. I--ah--I--wanted--to--er--(_seeing orchid_) Of course, I came to -fetch your orchid. - -LUCY. You needn't have troubled. (_looks at_ COOK) I fetched it myself. - -DOR. Didn't know, don't you know! - -LUCY. Have you got my music? - -DOR. Got it here. (_showing music-case_) - -LUCY. That's right. Is Auntie ready? - -DOR. Fancy she's waiting in the hall. (_crosses to_ R.) - -LUCY. Oh! then I must go. (_crosses to_ R.) Good-night, Cook. Thanks -for taking care of the flower. - -CAR. Not at all! Good-night! - -LUCY. (_turning at door_) Are you coming, Jack? - -DOR. In a second. Thought perhaps Cook would give me a light. (_takes -out cigar case_) - -LUCY. Very well, we'll go on. You can catch us up. You needn't hurry. -(_she goes out door_ R.) - -DOR. (_holding cigar_) May I? - -CAR. There's a box of matches on the dresser. (DORVASTON _crosses to -dresser for matches, lights his cigar. She washes glass and silver_) - -DOR. (_crosses to top of table_) This is a devilish snug kitchen. D'you -know, I'd much rather stop here--and watch you doing--whatever you are -doing--what _are_ you doing? - -CAR. Washing up. (_washing glasses_) - -DOR. Are you, by George? Washing up, now. How is that generally done? -(_at top of table_) - -CAR. With water and a tea-cloth. - -DOR. It must be an awful fag. When it comes to work, seems to me you -women beat us hollow. - -CAR. You have your drill--and parade--and fighting, too, in these days. - -DOR. Fighting ain't work--it's fun. - -CAR. Each to his trade! I prefer cooking and washing up. (_they both -laugh_) Oughtn't you to go? - -DOR. Yes, I'll get along. I say, you haven't forgotten--nine-thirty? - -CAR. No, but I was hoping you had. - -DOR. Upon my soul, what I want to say won't take ten minutes. Hulloa! -cigar's out. I'll just light up again, you don't mind? (_he goes to -dresser for matches._ PILLENGER _looks in at window_) - -PIL. Cook! - -CAR. Yes! - -PIL. I just wished to say one word. (_he comes in at the back door_) I -wish (_closes door, takes off hat, and sees_ DORVASTON, _who has turned -at the moment_) Tut!--dear me! - -DOR. Hulloa, sir! - -PIL. I imagined you had accompanied my sister and Lucy. They have -started. - -DOR. Came in here to fetch the orchid! - -PIL. What orchid? - -DOR. The orchid--and I hadn't a match--and Lucy had got it already, -don't you see--so Cook gave me one--and--that's how it was, don't you -know. - -PIL. Cook gave you an orchid? - -DOR. No, a light. - -PIL. Then why allude to an orchid? However, it is quite immaterial. - -CAR. You said you wished to speak to me, Mr. Pillenger! - -PIL. (_coming a little to her_) I desired to express my approval--my -warm approval--of the excellent meal you gave us this evening; but I -fear I have not sufficient time to do justice to the theme. - -DOR. (R.) By George, sir, you did justice to the fruit salad? - -PIL. Very possibly, Captain Dorvaston, but I may remind you that your -own appreciation assumed a very practical form. - -CAR. Won't you both be rather late? (_they both look at each other and -then go up to the door_) - -PIL. (_turning at garden door_) I fear we shall. I may have to return -early--I am conscious of the approach of a headache. - -DOR. Deuced odd thing! I feel a bit off colour--doubt if I shall manage -to see it through. - -PIL. Tut, tut! you look singularly well! Merely fancy, I'm sure. -(_opens door_) Good-night, Cook! - -CAR. Good-night! (PILLENGER _goes out at back door_) - -DOR. (_following_) Good-night, Cook! - -CAR. Good-night! - -DOR. (_turning at door and speaking in whisper_) Nine-thirty! (COOK -_nods--he goes out. After a second_ MR. PILLENGER _puts his head in at -the window_) - -PIL. Cook! you remember our appointment? Nine o'clock. - -DOR. (_in the distance_) Are you coming, sir? - -PIL. (_to_ DORVASTON) Yes--in one moment! (_to_ COOK) Nine! you quite -understand? - -CAR. (_calmly_) Quite! - -PIL. Thank you. I thought I would just recall it to your memory. I'm -coming, Captain Dorvaston! (_he goes_; COOK _continues her work_; GANDY -_enters_ R., _is crossing to door, stops, comes to top of table_ R.; -_he has changed his dress and carries a small hand-bag; he puts this -down and his hat, and hastily consults silver watch_) - -GAN. Cook, I'm a leetle pressed for time--but I find I've just got -three minutes and a 'alf to waste. - -CAR. Well, what is it? (_washing glasses_ L.) - -GAN. I'll come straight to the pint. I've saved money--I'm sick of -service, and I want to settle down. I know of a eatin' 'ouse to be -'ad--good situation--terms moderate--part cash down--remainder in -monthly instalments. Will you marry me and take over the kitchen -department? - -CAR. No. - -GAN. (COOK _crosses to oven and kneels and opens it_) Don't be 'asty -now. We should crush all local competition. Think it over careful. -(_looks at his watch again_) I can give you a minute and a 'alf. I'm a -staid respectable man, and I want a staid respectable wife. - -CAR. (_kneeling at oven_ L., _looks over her shoulder_) And do I strike -you in that light? - -GAN. You do. - -CAR. That is a very unexpected compliment. (_rises, places cake on -table_ L.) - -GAN. (_comes down to chair_ R.) Yes, Cook; since I met you I've come -to see there's things in life as I didn't suspect. (COOK _stops -work_) You've showed me the superiority of braized beef over biled -beef--you've rewealed the difference between 'aricot and 'ash--before -you came apple fritters was to me a mere flash in the frying pan. -(_suddenly stopping and looking at his watch_) Now I wouldn't 'urry -you, but time's on the move. 'Ow's it to be? - -CAR. It's to be no! - -GAN. Oh! - -CAR. I wish the eating-house every success, but I don't intend to marry. - -GAN. But couldn't you----? - -CAR. No, I couldn't. Don't miss your train. - -GAN. Well, (_takes up bag and hat_) it's a disappointment, but if you -say it's to be like that---- - -CAR. It's to be like that. (_she resumes her work_) Good-night. - -GAN. (_goes slowly up stage, pauses, turns--is about to speak, thinks -better of it_) Good-night. (_he goes out at back door._ COOK _takes -cake to larder, and then crosses back to window, brings glass tray -down to top of table and puts glasses on it_. KEZIAH _rushes in after -a slight pause, hastily dressed for walking, with large hat trimmed -lavishly with flowers_) - -KEZ. Ready at last, Cook! I'm always a cow's tail, ain't I? Thought I -should never get into this dress. Miss Fletcher sent it 'ome so tight, -I can't 'ardly bear myself, and no 'ook and eye at the neck, if you -please. (_crosses to_ COOK) Lend us a pin, there's a dear! (COOK _gives -her one, and stands watching her_) Thanks! (_crosses to looking-glass -on wall_, R. U. E., _and fastens her collar with pin_.) I'll talk to -me lady when I pay 'er. (_turning sees_ COOK _looking at her_) You're -looking at the 'at? Yus, I 'ad to wear the big one, the straw didn't go -with this dress, (_comes_ C.) It made me look almost common like. Well, -I must step it. (_goes up_) - -CAR. You've forgotten your gloves. - -KEZ. Got 'em in my pocket--can't put 'em on yet--me hands is too 'ot. -Am I all right at the back? This skirt seems to kick up. (_turns her -back to_ COOK, _and kicks her foot up at the same time at back, looking -over shoulder_) - -CAR. Not more than it does in front. - -KEZ. That's a blessing. (_opens door_) 'Arry war! (_she goes, leaving -back door open._ COOK _takes glass tray to window, crosses and shuts -door_ R.; _crosses and takes bowl to scullery, pours out water and -wipes her hands, gets plate basket (chimes strike three-quarters) comes -down_ L., _puts spoons in basket, crosses to_ R. _and exit. There is -a slight pause, then_ CRAYLL _looks in at window, he taps twice, then -whistles softly--there is another slight pause, then_ COOK _comes back -and crosses_ C.) - -CRAY. (_at window_) Oh! there you are! Anybody about? - -CAR. No. Come in, the door is open. (_crosses to_ L., _he enters_) - -CRAY. Well, I've got here. (_he stands leaning against the door_) - -CAR. So I see. - -CRAY. There's a beast of a dog somewhere on the premises, ain't there? - -CAR. Yes, but he's chained up, and he's rather particular about his -food; you needn't be nervous. (CRAYLL _slams door and crosses_ C.) - -CRAY. (_looking round kitchen_) And these are your quarters, are they? -You've brought your pigs to a nice market. (_she is silent_) Well? - -CAR. Well? - -CRAY. Why don't you speak? - -CAR. I was waiting for you to begin. - -CRAY. Don't you feel the damned degradation of your position? - -CAR. No. You seem to forget I was your wife for nearly ten years. - -CRAY. Ah! Have you any whiskey? - -CAR. No! - -CRAY. (_seeing decanter on slab in window_) Why, what's this? - -CAR. That belongs to Captain Dorvaston. - -CRAY. That's all right. (_crosses to window_) He knows me. He won't -mind. (COOK _sits_ L. CRAY _stands at window with whiskey, syphon, and -glass in hand_) A cook! That's what beats me. Why a cook? - -CAR. It was an experiment. - -CRAY. If you were broke (_comes to top of table and pours out whiskey_) -why didn't you try the stage? The divorce would have given you a leg up. - -CAR. How did you find me out? - -CRAY. Accident! (_takes a drink and crosses_ C.) I came down here -because I thought your pal the Duchess might give me the straight tip -as to your whereabouts. My spottin' you was a bit of luck. - -CAR. You must be very hard up? - -CRAY. Oh! it's bin a rotten season! Nothin's paid me. Had some big -stable information for Doncaster week--that didn't pay me, couldn't -even win place money. Tried the Stock Exchange; damned if that paid -me--jumped in at the top of the market, crawled out at the bottom. -(_crosses to chair_) Then there was the trial---- - -CAR. Ah! I suppose the law expenses were heavy? - -CRAY. Oh, devilish! - -CAR. Bribing the servants must have been rather a serious item! - -CRAY. What d'ye mean? - -CAR. That was a most elaborate story my maid Thompson told the -jury--Thompson was not very intelligent. It must have involved a great -deal of careful rehearsal. - -CRAY. We needn't go into all that. (_puts glass on table_) - -CAR. You are astonished to find me here. What did you think I should do? - -CRAY. Thought you were with Carruthers. - -CAR. No, you didn't. (_he looks at her, tries to brave it out, but -his eyes fall_) You had been dangling your title before the eyes of a -certain rich widow, but I see by the papers (_he pours out whiskey_) -she has slipped through those shaking fingers of yours and is going to -marry another man. - -CRAY. (_taking up glass nervously and drinking_) Yes; women are damned -shifty. - -CAR. Your notion didn't come off, but that was why you trumped up your -case against me, knowing it was all a lie. - -CRAY. You didn't deny it? - -CAR. No. - -CRAY. Neither did he? - -CAR. No. Bob is a good fellow--and a good friend. He helped me. - -CRAY. Helped you to cheat the law! - -CAR. Helped me to cheat the law that ties a woman to such a man as you. - -CRAY. That was the game, was it? - -CAR. Why did you want to find me out? By the way, (_crosses to window -and brings down "Standard" to top of table_), has that anything to do -with it? - -CRAY. How do you mean? - -CAR. (_watching him closely_) To-day's "Standard." There's a little -advertisement in the agony column. - -CRAY. I--can't see--light's bad. Read it out! - -CAR. (_crosses to gas_ L., _takes paper and reads_) "Will Lady -Huntworth communicate with Messrs. Brampton and Stokes, Capel-Court, on -a matter of considerable importance?" (_crosses to_ L. _of table and -throws paper down_) Did you know of that? - -CRAY. No. Who are Brampton and Stokes? Never heard of 'em. - -CAR. (_leaning over table with one hand on it for support_) Then why -have you been hunting me up? I hadn't a shilling--you saw to that. - -CRAY. (_after slight pause, makes to touch her hand_) I wanted you -to--come--back. - -CAR. What? - -CRAY. I'm willin'--to bury the past. (COOK _looks at him_) Well, I tell -you, I want to bury the past. - -CAR. (_pause, she puts hand on chair_) Before we talk of burying the -past, I should like you to look down into the still open grave---- - -CRAY. (_shudders_) Filthy way of talkin'! - -CAR. (_sits_ L.) When I married you I was thirty--quite old enough to -know better! but I'd spent my youth in nursing my father. When he died -I inherited a fortune--and my freedom--without much notion what to do -with either. That was a bad year for me. I lost my father and I found -you. (CRAYLL _scowls at her_) I don't know what crime I had committed -that fate should sentence me to ten years' penal servitude. But my -father had wished it and so did your mother. You had been a little -wild, they said, but all you needed was gentle guidance. I believed -them, but my gentle guidance that was to work miracles generally -took the shape of helping you up to bed in the small hours, when the -difficulty of adjusting the latchkey had been overcome. - -CRAY. Look here, it 'pears to me you're trying to be 'fensive. - -CAR. That was my life for ten years. The dregs of your fortune and the -whole of mine gradually melted away--in cards--(_he pours out drink_) -racing, drink--and a few extra establishments. - -CRAY. You never grumbled about th' extra 'stablishments. - -CAR. (_rises in disgust_) Oh, no! I only mention them now--to fill -up the picture of our home life. With regard to your gambling and -drunkenness I was sorry for myself, but in the matter of your -infidelities I was sorry for the other women. - -CRAY. Your language's 'fensive--damned 'fensive! - -CAR. At the finish we had a pleasant little chat; you hadn't a sixpence -left--or a friend either--except Bob Carruthers. He had lent you more -than he could afford and he was sick of it. You tried to get me to ask -him again. I wouldn't. It was on that occasion you reached up and tried -to strike me. (_touches him on shoulder_) Do you remember? - -CRAY. Momentary irritation--regretted it d'rectly! - -CAR. (_returns paper to window_) We parted that night. The place was -sold up, and I didn't hear of you again till you commenced proceedings -for our divorce. (_he moves chair and faces her_) Then I went to Bob. -He offered to see me through--engage counsel and all that. It would -have been easy to smash your case, (_crosses and stands over him_) but -that would have left me tied to you; so I asked him if he would join me -in making no defence. He pointed out what society would think of me. I -said I knew enough of society to care nothing for its bad opinion. He -did as I wished, so you got your decree nisi and the sympathy of the -public. (_crosses to top of table again_) - -CRAY. All this is beastly 'fensive. (_leans limply over back of chair_) - -CAR. My only problem was how to live. I couldn't teach or make dresses -or typewrite. There was only one thing I could do properly--I could -cook. It was always a fad of mine. I used often to prepare little -dishes for my father--in the old days--and while I was trying to see -my way, I met Millicent Sturton. I told her everything, and asked her -to help me. She had influence with these good people--so I resumed my -own name and became the vicar's cook. (_pause_; COOK _has gradually -crossed_ L. _again_. CRAYLL _moves chair back to table and drinks_) Now -you understand everything! I'll say good-bye. I'm likely to be rather -busy this evening. - -CRAY. Don't say goo'bye. I wan' you to come back. My 'ntentions are -disin'ersted. Won't you come back? - -CAR. (_stands with hands behind her back_) Not while there's a crossing -to be swept--or a box of matches to be sold. - -CRAY. (_rising unsteadily--leaning over table_) S'pose I was to--give -th' show away--d'you think they'd keep a woman like you--a woman who -was n'torious? - -CAR. No! - -CRAY. Very well, then I can squash you. Word from me'd sweep you into -the gutter--an' if you don' come back--I'll do it. I'll show you what -comes of r'fusin' disin'ested offer. (_she laughs and shrugs her -shoulders_) Don' laugh at me, you fool! I'll do it! I'll drag you off -your damned high horse, I'll--I'll--(_raises his arm to strike her_) - -CAR. No, you won't! (_pauses; his arm slowly falls and he sways about -limply_) you're too anxious to keep your own identity secret just now -to say anything about mine. Isn't that so--Mr. Crayll? - -CRAY. (_swaying about_) Tha's true, tha's true! Le's be frien's--shall -we? Don' le's be touchy. If you'll come back, I'll do the right -thing--marry you again--marry you anywhere you like--St. Paul's -Cathedral, if you like. Come back and be a comfort to ailin' man. -(_sinks into chair_) Le's have 'nother honeymoon. Shall we? Le's kiss -an' be friends; but first le's have a little more whiskey. (_taking -whiskey_) Shall we? - -CAR. (_removing the tumbler, etc._) No, we won't have any more -whiskey--in fact, I think we had better go now. (_she takes whiskey -syphon and glass to window, and looks out_) - -CRAY. (_who is now maudlin_) Not friendly! No r'sumption of former -'fectionate footin', same time--no desire to remain--where not wanted. -(_puts cap on_) Where's cigar case? Want cigar--smoke going home. (_he -very sleepily takes out letter case from his outside pocket_) Oh, here -'tish! (_as he holds it, he begins to doze, his arm falls its full -length, and a letter falls out of case--his head falls right back, and -he breathes heavily. He falls gradually into a deep sleep. She watches -him quietly, then comes round to the right of him_) - -CAR. (_pause_) Wake up! (_shakes him_) You mustn't sleep here. - -CRAY. (_muttering_) Want cigar! - -CAR. Want a cigar? But this is your letter case. (_she takes it from -him, and puts it into his outside pocket_ R. _She then sees the -fallen letter_) And you've dropped something. (_she picks it up--he -snores_) Looks like a writ. (_she glances at it_) Messrs. Brampton and -Stokes (_she pauses and looks at him_) Ah! my first idea was right -(_crosses to gas with letter round to fireplace and reads it under -the gas_) "Messrs. Brampton and Stokes present their compliments to -Lord Huntworth, and would be greatly obliged if he could place them in -communication with the lady who was till very recently his wife. The -reason for the application is urgent, as information has been received -from an Australian firm of solicitors that Lady Huntworth has succeeded -to a considerable fortune through the death of an uncle. (_she again -turns and looks at him_) Messrs. Brampton and Stokes would greatly -appreciate an early reply. Capel Court. May 9th." More than two months -ago! Ah! (_slight pause, crosses to top of table, and leans over it_) -Lord Huntworth, you will do me the favour to wake up. (_he snores_) I -thought I had said everything I had to say, but I find I was wrong. -(_she stops and listens, then puts letter hurriedly inside her dress_) -What's that? Did I hear the gate go? (_crosses to window, then crosses -to_ CRAYLL _and shakes him and pulls him up_) Wake up--you mustn't be -found here. (_she pulls him up_) - -CRAY. Wha's matter? - -CAR. I must put you somewhere; you wouldn't be easy to explain away. -(_she half-supports, half-carries him up and into scullery; when there -she allows him to droop into a sitting position against the sink; -she then shuts the scullery door_) Quite like old times! (_looks out -of window--brings work-box down, goes up to door and listens._ MR. -PILLENGER _enters_) - -PIL. Hum! Cook! (_at door_) - -CAR. Yes? - -PIL. May I come in? - -CAR. Certainly! (_crosses to chair_ R. _and sits, takes out pudding -cloth and starts to hem it_) - - (MR. PILLENGER _enters at back door_.) - -PIL. I--er--explained to Miss Pillenger that I thought it advisable to -return home early--as I was feeling somewhat indisposed. - -CAR. (_looks up at him_) Then you would like to go to bed? I'll let -Miss Pillenger in. (_looks at door_ L.) - -PIL. That is not necessary, I gave her my latchkey. I fear I must admit -my illness has no--er--tangible existence. - -CAR. Oh! - -PIL. I trust I am not interrupting any--er--domestic occupation? - -CAR. I have to hem some pudding cloths, but I can listen while I work. -What do you want to say to me? (_she begins sewing_; PILLENGER _crosses -to top of table, puts hat down; as he crosses_ COOK _looks at door_ L.) - -PIL. I--er--find some difficulty in approaching the subject. It is one -with which I have been hitherto--quite unfamiliar. - -CAR. Perhaps if you sat down it might be easier. - -PIL. Er--thank you. (_crosses to fire and stands with back to it_) The -suggestion is very considerate. (_he makes several efforts to begin, -but baulks himself_) During the few months you have been with us--you -must have noticed that you had roused--in me--a strong feeling--(_she -looks up at him_) of--er--of interest? - -CAR. I saw it--I didn't notice it. - -PIL. Exactly! (_moves to back of chair_ L.) You would -not--care--perhaps, to give me a somewhat larger measure of -your--er--confidence--touching the--er--the past. - -CAR. (_stops work for a moment_) No; I think we'll leave the past alone. - -PIL. I may possibly persuade you to be less reticent--when I have -submitted my--er--my proposal to you. - -CAR. Proposal? (_resumes work_) - -PIL. Yes. After such reasonable hesitation as should precede the taking -of any important step, I have decided to offer you an alternative to -your present life, the nature of which you may have already guessed. - -CAR. (_smiling back_) I suppose _you_ are the alternative? - -PIL. (_moves to top of table near her_) Precisely. I ask you to -be--er--to be my wife. - -CAR. (_smiles_) Thanks! (_stops work_) - -PIL. I am no longer young, but my health is good, with the exception -of a little periodic gout. My temper, if not invariably equable, is -what a long succession of curates has made it; and as to worldly -considerations, without being a rich man, my position is an independent -one. - -CAR. It ought to be. - -PIL. I beg your pardon? - -CAR. You say you don't speak without consideration. Have you considered -what your sister would say? - -PIL. (_moves round to_ L.) It is a point to which I have devoted -very exhaustive attention. At first she might not welcome the idea -with--er--absolute enthusiasm. (_sits_ L.) - -CAR. No, she might not. Have you also considered what the world would -say? - -PIL. The world? - -CAR. It's rather a tolerant world where a man is concerned, but it -holds special views about clergymen, and it wouldn't stand the notion -of a vicar marrying his cook. - -PIL. The social disparity between us is far more apparent than real. -Your present vocation must be the outcome of caprice--or temporary -necessity. - -CAR. Take it at that. (_puts work in box_) What do you know of me? I -may be an adventuress--in fact, most of the evidence points that way. -At any rate I have no intention of marrying. (_smiles_) I have said the -same thing once before this evening in reply to a similar proposition -from Gandy. (_rises and crosses back of her chair and leans on chair_) - -PIL. Gandy? Did he dare? - -CAR. He did. (_smiling_) This seems to be rather a susceptible -household. (_crosses to window and looks out_) - -PIL. (_rising_) You haven't given me a conclusive answer? - -CAR. (_hearing footsteps_) Haven't I? I thought I had. - -PIL. (_crosses to_ C.) You may require a little time for final -reflection. - -CAR. I think not. (_looking out of window_) - -PIL. Nevertheless, if you will spare me your attention. - -CAR. One moment! I thought I heard a step on the path. (_she looks out -of window_) Yes, it's Captain Dorvaston. - -PIL. (_crosses to door and looks out, returns and takes hat from -table_) You don't say so? That is highly inconvenient. What had I -better do? - -CAR. I think you had better go to bed. - -PIL. An opportunity like the present is so difficult to obtain. He will -merely pass through to his room. I'll wait in the scullery. (_makes for -it_) - -CAR. (_puts hand on door_) The scullery is rather in confusion. (_goes -back to window and looks out_) - -PIL. Then the larder is probably available. (_goes towards it_) - -CAR. I really wouldn't wait if I were you. - -PIL. (_speaking from entrance to larder_) I do so on my own initiative. -There are several arguments I wish to---- - -CAR. (_at window_) He's coming. - -PIL. Oh! (_hastily goes in and closes larder door_) - - (DORVASTON _simultaneously enters at garden door_) - -DOR. Well, Cook, I've got back. May I come in? - -CAR. If you like. (_drops down_ L. DORVASTON _enters and locks door -after him_) You needn't have locked the door. - -DOR. Don't you keep it locked? - -CAR. I do generally--it doesn't matter. (_sits_ L.) - -DOR. The governor was seedy and left early. - -CAR. Yes, he came back. - -DOR. Gone to bed, I s'pose? (_she is silent and has resumed her work_) -I tried to think of something a bit more novel, but I couldn't, so I -had to tell the old lady I wasn't feeling fit myself. - -CAR. Why did you trouble? - -DOR. (_crosses to top of table and puts hat down_) Oh, well, don't you -know, I wanted to say something to you. - -CAR. Yes. (_stops work_) - -DOR. I'm a bad hand at getting my notions into words. P'raps if you go -on doing--whatever you're doing--I may manage to make a start. (_she -resumes work_) That ought to look exceptional pretty when it's finished. - -CAR. Do you think so? - -DOR. Yes! What--is it? - -CAR. A pudding cloth. - -DOR. Jove! You don't say so? (_laughs_) I say, you mustn't think me an -awful ass! - -CAR. It doesn't matter what I think. - -DOR. It matters to me. - -CAR. It oughtn't to matter. (_pause--he takes up the weekly journal_) - -DOR. Been doing a bit of reading? (_sits on table_ R. _corner_) - -CAR. No. That belongs to Keziah. - -DOR. This sounds promising. (_reads_) "The belted Earl entered the -lists with lance in rest. His shield bore for device a bar sinister -with Fleur de Lys rampant." That ain't heraldry! - -CAR. Yes, it is, (_looking up_) "Family Heraldry." (_he laughs_) I -don't want to hurry you, but it's getting late. - -DOR. (_rises_) Well, I--I hope you haven't misunderstood my--object -in--bothering you? - -CAR. I should like to think I had. - -DOR. I don't follow. - -CAR. Members of your profession don't generally make an appointment -with cook in order to assure her of their respect. - -DOR. Some of us may be a bit rackety, but we know a lady when we see -one, and we shouldn't treat her any different because she chose to -pretend to be a cook. - -CAR. Pretend? - -DOR. (_crosses_ C. _and gets gradually to chair_ R. _of table_) Why, -any duffer could see--_I_ can see you were never meant to be what -you are. These things generally come about through loss of coin--for -instance, a woman's father speculates, and the home goes biff. He shuts -up in his stride, and she takes up the running. Now what that woman -wants is a friend to give her the lead over the fences--a friend who -don't want anything from her--will you keep your eye on that?--who -don't want anything from her, but who would like awfully to do her a -turn, if she'd let him. I think that goes into the four corners of what -I wanted to say. (_sits_) - -CAR. (_rising_) Do you know you're a wonderfully good fellow? - -DOR. Oh, rot! Well, may I be--a little use to somebody for once? - -CAR. I won't borrow money of you, if you meant that. - -DOR. False pride! - -CAR. No, that isn't it. - -DOR. It's a devilish odd thing that every good woman is a bit of a -coward, and she's always afraid of what people will say, especially if -it isn't true. - -CAR. That description fits me less than any woman in the world. - -DOR. You won't let me be of use to you, because I happen to be a man, -and you happen to be a woman--ain't that so? (_rises_) I see how it is. -I've made an ass of myself. You won't have my help or my friendship. - -CAR. (_rises_) I don't need the help, but I'll take the friendship. - -DOR. Thanks! - -CAR. (_shuts work-box_) What I thought about you was wrong. I beg your -pardon. - -DOR. Oh, that's all right! - -CAR. (_leans on box_) Now, will you do me a little favour? - -DOR. Anything! (_leans over table_) - -CAR. Will you go to bed? (_he backs with surprise_) They mustn't come -back and find you here. - -DOR. Of course not, I'll go at once; and if at any time you should want -a pal, you'll let me---- - -CAR. Hush! (_crosses to door and opens it_) I fancy I heard the key -in the front door. (_she listens_) Yes, it is them. Miss Pillenger is -saying she wants to speak to me. - -DOR. (_takes up hat_) By George! I'd better nip into the scullery. -(_crosses to scullery_) - -CAR. No! - -DOR. The larder? (_crosses to it_) - -CAR. No. Go into the garden. - -DOR. Of course! Stupid of me! (_he tries the door_) - -CAR. Make haste. - -DOR. Can't get the beastly door open. Something's wrong with the key. - -CAR. You'll be too late! (_advances towards him_) - -DOR. Here! (_opens door_) What's this? Ah, the broom cupboard, any port -in a storm! (_goes in_; COOK _shuts door and stands there for a moment_) - - (MISS PILLENGER _enters_.) - -MISS P. Cook, I remembered I hadn't ordered to-morrow's breakfast. -(_crosses and sits_ R. _of table_) - -CAR. No. What would you like? (_crosses to top of table_) - -MISS P. (_sitting_ R. _of table_) Has Keziah returned? - -CAR. Not yet. - -MISS P. Both my brother and Captain Dorvaston were too unwell to remain -with us. They have doubtless gone to bed, so I will ask you to go -upstairs very quietly. - -CAR. Certainly! I think I hear Keziah. (_she goes to back-door_) - -MISS P. She is very late. (_pause_) Why don't you open the door? - -CAR. The key sticks a little. - -MISS P. It should be oiled. (COOK _opens the door and admits_ KEZIAH, -_who doesn't see_ MISS PILLENGER) - -KEZ. Oh, Cook, I did enjoy myself a treat! 'E was there--and when I -come out---- (_comes_ C. _and sees_ MISS PILLENGER) Oh lor! - -MISS P. Keziah! - -KEZ. Yes, mum. - -MISS P. Why are you so late? - -KEZ. I dunno, mum. - -MISS P. Who is the person you spoke of when you came in? - -KEZ. What person, mum? - -MISS P. You said distinctly _he_ was there. - -KEZ. Oh, that was me sister's 'usband's brother, mum. (_winks at_ COOK) -'E's a plumber, and Church of England. - -MISS P. You are aware I don't allow followers? - -KEZ. 'E don't follow _me_, mum. I did give 'im good evenin', bein', as -you may say, relations, and 'e told me as my sister 'as just 'ad 'er -_seventh_, and both doin' well, and---- - -MISS P. That will do. I hope you are telling the truth. - -KEZ. Oh yes, mum, it's gorspel, it is reely! - -MISS P. Mind you go upstairs quietly; your master is unwell. - -KEZ. Yes, mum. (_goes to door again, winks at_ COOK) Good night, mum. - -MISS P. Good night! (KEZIAH _goes out_) I'm afraid, Cook, you must have -had a rather dull evening. - -CAR. No, I haven't been dull. (_puts box on window-ledge and returns_) -You were going to speak about the breakfast. - -MISS P. Yes. Let me see, we shall have fish. (_noise in cupboard_) What -was that? I heard a noise in that cupboard. - -CAR. It may have been a mouse. - -MISS P. I didn't know we had any mice. You had better set a trap -to-morrow. - -CAR. You mentioned fish? Will you have it grilled? - -MISS P. No, fried with egg and breadcrumbs. (_noise in cupboard is -repeated more loudly_) That can't be a mouse. The cat must have got -shut up in there. - -CAR. The cat is in the scullery. - -MISS P. Then it must be a strange cat. (_rises and crosses to_ R. C.) - -CAR. (_going to cupboard, her hand on knob_) Strange cats sometimes fly -at you. If you'll go, I'll see to it. I'm not nervous. - -MISS P. (_advances to cupboard_) Neither am I. I prefer to see for -myself. (_waves_ COOK _back_) How this door sticks. (_she pulls at -the handle of the door, which at last opens, discovering_ DORVASTON) -Captain Dorvaston! (_he comes out sheepishly; pause_) May I ask -you to explain this? (DORVASTON _looks first at_ MISS P. _then at_ -COOK--_takes his hat off_) - -DOR. Well, ma'am, it ain't exactly easy to make the thing clear. - -MISS P. I see. (_speaking at_ COOK) The explanation is only too -obvious. My niece has gone to her room, so I shall not disturb her -to-night, but to-morrow it will be my painful duty to tell her -everything. (_moves a step to the door_) - -DOR. I say, ma'am, just a moment. - -MISS P. (_moves toward_ COOK _and stops_) As to you, Cook, I will--or, -rather, Mr. Pillenger--will speak to you in the morning. - -CAR. (_smiling_) Very well! (_at top of table._ MISS PILLENGER _moves -to go_--DORVASTON _intercepts her_) - -DOR. Look here, ma'am--upon my soul you must listen. I wanted to say -something to Cook. It was nothing--anybody might have heard it. - -MISS P. Then why conceal yourself in the broom cupboard? - -DOR. I know the broom cupboard ain't easy to get out of. I could -explain better, only I feel in such an awful hat---- - -MISS P. You are not wearing your hat! - -DOR. No, but--really, you know, I simply wanted-- - -CAR. Captain Dorvaston, don't trouble; whatever you may say Miss -Pillenger won't believe you. - -MISS P. That is true. There are things that cannot be explained away. -The broom cupboard is one of them. (_going_) - -DOR. But I say, ma'am! (_moves again_) - -MISS P. (_motions him away_) Good-night, Captain Dorvaston. (_he opens -door, she goes out._ DORVASTON _and_ COOK _look at each other, she -smiles_) - -DOR. (_after pause_) I've made a nice mess of it. - -CAR. You have rather. (_closes cupboard door, returns_ L.) - -DOR. If nature allowed a fella to kick himself, I'd do it with the -greatest pleasure. (_comes to_ R. _and puts hat down on table_) To drag -you into such a beastly muddle! And I did so want to do you a turn. - -CAR. I know you did. You meant kindly, and I'm very grateful. Go to bed -and forget all about it. - -DOR. There'll be an awful row to-morrow. I'm not thinking of myself, -I'm thinking about you. - -CAR. You needn't worry about me. Oddly enough, I've had news to-night -that makes this affair very unimportant. Now I must really ask you to -go. - -DOR. All right, I'll be off. But, I say--you do forgive me? - -CAR. Of course I forgive you. - -DOR. Thanks. Good-night! - -CAR. Good-night! (_he goes to door_ R., _then returns to table for his -hat. As he does so_ PILLENGER _cautiously emerges from the larder. The -two men face each other_) - -PIL. Hum! Tut, tut! (COOK _turns and sits_ L.) - -DOR. Hulloa, sir! Were you in there? - -PIL. Yes--I--er--was. - -DOR. What, all the time? - -PIL. I had an important reason for desiring a few minutes' conversation -with--er--Cook. - -CAR. Mr. Pillenger shared your wish that I should better myself. - -DOR. That's devilish lucky, because, as you were a witness, you can -clean the slate for us, and back up what I say. - -PIL. You fail to perceive that my perfectly innocent sojourn in the -larder would be as difficult of plausible explanation as your own -regrettable occupancy of the broom cupboard. - -DOR. Jove, yes, that's true! What had we better do? - -CAR. The first step--especially as you are both invalids (_the men look -at each other_) is for you to go to bed. - -PIL. The suggestion is most judicious. (_they both start for the door_; -PILLENGER _stops Dorvaston_) I think, Captain Dorvaston, I will precede -you by a few minutes. The stairs have a tendency to creak, and would -certainly do so under our combined weight. Good-night. - -DOR. Good-night, sir. - -PIL. (_is going but pauses_) With your permission I will remove my -boots. (_he does so_) It would not be fair to disturb the household. -Good-night! (_he goes out with a boot in each hand, and his hat under -his arm_) - -DOR. (_crosses and sits_ R.) By George! then the governor was there all -the time. - -CAR. Yes, I was well provided with chaperonage. (_turns to mantel and -puts gas out, takes candlestick from bracket and crosses to window_) - -DOR. It don't get you out of the mess, that's the worst of it. - -CAR. (_shutting the window and then crossing to larder_) You needn't -mind me. - -DOR. I'm bound to mind you. Are you sure there's nothing I could do to -help you--in any sort of way? - -CAR. No. (_shuts door; her eye goes to scullery_) Well, there is one -thing you could do for me--if you really mean what you say. - -DOR. I swear I do! (_rises_) - -CAR. (_crosses_ C.) What I should want you to do would be rather a -nuisance. Are you sure you wouldn't mind? - -DOR. Try me. - -CAR. Well, there's a man in the scullery. - -DOR. Another man! - -CAR. Yes. I fancy you'll find he is asleep against the sink. - -DOR. Is he, by George? - -CAR. Might I trouble you to fetch him out? (_crosses to dresser and -lights candle_) - -DOR. Eh? What? Oh, certainly! (_he goes to scullery, opens door and -discovers_ CRAYLL _asleep in a sitting position_; DORVASTON _picks -him up, places him in a chair_ R. _of table_) There you are! (COOK -_crosses with candle, and light falls on_ CRAYLL'S _face_) Why, it's -Crayll! (_looks at_ COOK) - -CAR. Yes. - -DOR. He's as drunk as a fiddler. - -CAR. Yes. He called on me this evening, rather to my inconvenience. - -DOR. Did he? - -CAR. Might I ask you--to put him somewhere for me? (DORVASTON _looks at -her wonderingly_) There's a dry ditch--at the end of the garden--that -would do. - -DOR. Anything you wish, of course. - -CAR. Thanks! (_turns_ B. _gas out_) - -DOR. Then you know Crayll? - -CAR. Yes. (_turning to_ DORVASTON) He was my husband at one time. -(_turns out gas_) - -DOR. (_in an amazed whisper_) What! - -CAR. Good-night! (_she goes out quietly at door_ R.) - - _The stage is now dark except the moonlight which streams in at - door._ DORVASTON _stands transfixed with astonishment--then he - puts on his hat--goes up and opens the back door--returns--picks - up_ CRAYLL _and carries him up stage. As he does so the_ - - CURTAIN FALLS. - - - - -ACT III. - - SCENE.--_The Vicarage Library (according to plan)._ - - TIME.--_Early next morning._ - - (_When the Act opens the stage is dark, but the morning sun - shines in through the chinks of the shutters_; LUCY _enters - in white biking costume; she steals downstairs, puts jacket - on chair_ R., _crosses to_ O.P. _windows, opens shutters, and - draws curtains--crosses to back and does the same; then waves - handkerchief to_ THORSBY, _and runs up stairs again; stands - looking off, to see no one has heard; after a moment_ THORSBY - _enters; steals to balustrade and kisses_ LUCY'S _hand, which is - on the balustrade_.) - - -THOR. Darling! - -LUCY. Hush! - -THOR. Mustn't I?--on our wedding day? - -LUCY. No! - -THOR. Oh! - -LUCY. At least--whatever you wish to convey to me must be done in dumb -show. - -THOR. I see. (_he kisses her_) - -LUCY. Mind my hat. (_looks off_) When we have been married a few years -you'll realize that my hats must be treated very respectfully. - -THOR. I suppose the household is still in bed? - -LUCY. Yes. (_crosses to settle and sits on_ R. _end_) I crept -downstairs feeling like a burglar. I had one awful moment--I stumbled -over Auntie's shoes--they were outside her door. - -THOR. My dearest--that was rather careless. (_leans on post_) - -LUCY. Careless! Auntie's shoes aren't easy to avoid in a narrow -passage. It was all right. Uncle and Aunty were still asleep--I could -hear them---- - -THOR. And Captain Dorvaston? - -LUCY. Oh! I expect Jack was asleep, too, not dreaming the hour of his -emancipation was at hand. Poor old Jack! I wish he was coming with us. - -THOR. Hum! Do you? - -LUCY. I wish he could have given me away. - -THOR. I--hardly share that feeling. - -LUCY. You don't know him; he'd have done it in a minute if I'd asked -him. I'd have told him all about it, only he's such a clumsy old -duffer; he might have given me away in a different sense. - -THOR. You seem to place great reliance on his affection for you. - -LUCY. He has tons of affection for me--tons--but not love--at least, -not the business article you and I deal in. (THORSBY _goes to embrace -her, she waves him off_) By the way, Harry, (_she is putting on her -gloves_) there are one or two points we have never properly settled. - -THOR. What are they? - -LUCY. I mean to be a clinking parson's wife. - -THOR. Darling! (_moves to her, she waves him off as before_) - -LUCY. Hold on! I mean to be a clinking parson's wife, but I have my -limitations. Church on Sunday--how many times? - -THOR. (_hesitatingly_) Three? - -LUCY. Oh, no! Mornings generally, evenings sometimes, afternoons never. - -THOR. Never? - -LUCY. Never! (THORSBY _moves to_ C.; LUCY _rises and follows_) Now -you're shocked--your face has grown a couple of inches longer. Well, -if I'm not orthodox enough for you it's off, and I'll go back to bed -again. (_moves to go_) - -THOR. Lucy dear, (_catches her arm_) in answer to what you said, I -shall merely exact one promise. - -LUCY. Which is? - -THOR. That in all things--and in all seasons--you will do--or not -do--whatever you please. Do you promise? - -LUCY. (_after slight pause. She puts left hand on shoulder_) Harry, I -do promise; it shall be exactly as you say. Indeed, indeed, I'll keep -my word. Now then, fasten my glove, and we'll go and get it over. (_he -proceeds to fasten her glove, as_ CAROLINE _enters, carrying a small -tray with coffee, bread and butter, etc.; she also carries a large shoe -under her arm_) - -CAR. (_at top of stairs_) I beg your pardon. (LUCY _and_ THORSBY _are -much startled_. THORSBY _moves away towards table_ R.C.) - -LUCY. Cook! - -THOR. Dear me! - -CAR. I hope I didn't startle you? - -LUCY. Oh, no! - -THOR. Not at all! - -CAR. (_comes down, and stands at bottom of stairs_) I thought you might -like a cup of coffee (_smiling_) to help you face the ordeal. - -LUCY. Was that why you wanted to know last night what time I meant to -start? - -CAR. No. I told you I wanted to think of you, and wish you luck. The -coffee was an afterthought. - -LUCY. I see. - -CAR. Won't you both sit down and have it comfortably? - -LUCY. Is it safe to wait? (_crosses up_ C. _and looks off--anxiously_) - -CAR. Quite. - -LUCY. Keziah? - -CAR. Keziah is not awake--I wrapped the alarum in a blanket. (LUCY -_crosses to top_; THORSBY _to_ R.; COOK _crosses to top of chair and -puts tray on table and shoe on chair_ L.; LUCY _and_ THORSBY _then sit_) - -LUCY. It has probably dawned on you, Harry, that Cook is a good friend -of ours? - -THOR. It has, indeed! (_he rises, bows--sits again_) - -CAR. Cook was once young herself--it was some years ago--but she -hasn't forgotten the circumstances. (_to_ LUCY) Milk and sugar? - -LUCY. Thanks. (_she holds cup to her_) - -CAR. Mr. Thorsby? - -THOR. If you please--two lumps. (_she hands cup to him_) - -CAR. Bread and butter? (_they both take some_) It isn't up to -much--yesterday's loaf--but it was the best I could do. And how do you -both feel? Nervous? - -LUCY. Beastly nervous! (_eating_) - -THOR. (_eating_) The moment is naturally a solemn one. I feel anxious, -but not nervous. (_takes up cup and drinks_) - -LUCY. Oh, it's all right for you; you've tied up such a lot of poor -misguided people, that you know the words backwards. It's different -with me--I know I shall bungle it. - -CAR. There are only three words that really signify. - -LUCY. Which three? - -CAR. Love, honor, and obey. - -LUCY. I think I can manage the first two, but I mean to slur the third, -(THORSBY _drops cup in saucer_) cough, or sneeze or something. - -THOR. (_to_ CAROLINE, _smiling_) That sounds rather an alarming -prospect. Don't you pity me? - -CAR. (_glancing at_ LUCY, _and also smiling_) No, I don't think I do. -(_crosses_ C.) How do you go to Church? - -LUCY. (_rising_) We are going to bike there. By-the-bye, would you tell -somebody--Auntie or Jack--anybody will do--that I've run over to see my -friend, Jenny Thornton, and they're not to wait breakfast? - -THOR. (_rising_) My dear Lucy, ought we to involve a third person in -our deception? - -CAR. The third person hasn't a very tender conscience in such matters. -(_to_ LUCY) I'll tell your little fib for you with pleasure. - -LUCY. (_leans over chair, sees shoe_) There, Harry, I knew she would. -Thank you, Cook. (_taking up the shoe which_ COOK _has placed on a -chair_) What's this? - -CAR. (C.) I wanted to throw a shoe after you, and that was the only one -I could find. It's one of your Aunt's--she put it outside her door to -be cleaned. - -THOR. Dear me! It looks rather formidable. - -CAR. It _is_ large! We'll hope that the luck it brings will be -proportionate. Now, I should say it was time for you to go. - -THOR. (_going up to window_) Yes, I don't think we ought to delay. - -LUCY. (_puts shoe down again, crosses up to window, and down to below -table_ C.) All right, come along. Stop a second though. I say, Harry, -have you got everything? - -THOR. (_returns from_ R.) Got everything? (COOK _crosses to back of -table, and puts things on tray_) - -LUCY. Everybody's fee. I should like to do the thing well. - -THOR. Yes. - -LUCY. How about the ring? - -THOR. Eh? Oh, yes, I--(_searching his pockets_) I bought it yesterday. -(_still searching_) - -LUCY. Very likely, but have you got it with you to-day? - -THOR. I certainly think so. I have a distinct recollection of putting -it in my waistcoat pocket. (_still searching_) - -LUCY. You've lost it. (_to_ COOK) There's a pretty mess! - -THOR. Ah! here it is. (COOK _crosses to_ C.) There is a hole in the -pocket, and it had slipped down into the lining. - -LUCY. (_to_ COOK) Thank goodness! That would have been a nice thing, -wouldn't it? - -CAR. (_to_ LUCY) Will you wear this? It's only syringa, but it looks -like orange blossom. (LUCY _and_ THORSBY _exchange glances_) I picked -it for you this morning. - -LUCY. (_fixing it_) You _have_ been kind to me, and I've no means of -thanking you. Will you stoop down and let me kiss you? (COOK _does so_) -I'm afraid that's all I can do. - -CAR. I'm quite repaid. I fancy Mr. Thorsby agrees with me. (LUCY -_crosses up to window_) - -THOR. (_goes up_ R. _a little; takes_ LUCY'S _coat with him_) Good-bye! -May I add my thanks also? - -CAR. Not at all. Good-bye. - -LUCY. (_crosses down again to_ COOK) It isn't good-bye--we're coming -back as soon as it's over; and we mean to tell everything to everybody. -So we shall see you again. - -CAR. One never knows what may happen. I think we'll make it good-bye. -(_puts hand on_ LUCY'S _shoulder_) Now, go along and get married, and -live happy ever after, as they do in the fairy tales. (THORSBY _goes -out of the window_; LUCY _follows, but turns and kisses her hand. They -go_) - - (COOK _follows them to the verandah, and throws shoe as she returns - for tray_. DORVASTON _enters from_ O. P. _door_.) - -DOR. Hulloa! Good-morning! - -CAR. (_at top of table_) Good morning. Rather a close shave. - -DOR. I beg your pardon? - -CAR. Nothing! (_is taking up tray_) - -DOR. (_at top of table_ R. _of_ COOK) Look here, don't go. I want to -have half a word with you. - -CAR. Well? - -DOR. I--saw to that little job. - -CAR. Yes? - -DOR. I--put him in the ditch. - -CAR. Thanks. Did he say anything? - -DOR. (_top of table_) He muttered something about another whiskey, and -that he would like to be called about nine. Now would you mind telling -me a little about it all? Give you my word it ain't mere curiosity, -it's interest in you and everything that concerns you. - -CAR. (_at back of chair_ L.) I told you the chief thing last night. Mr. -Crayll was my husband at one time. - -DOR. You say he was your husband. - -CAR. Yes. We are divorced. - -DOR. Oh, that was it! (_pause_) I haven't known your--er--I haven't -known Crayll more than a day or two, but I can see he's an awful little -swine. I suppose he treated you anyhow? - -CAR. Yes. Is there anything else you would like me to tell you? - -DOR. It's extraordinary good of you to give me your confidence. - -CAR. You've earned it. (_takes tray, and turns_) - -DOR. (_crosses behind her, to her_ L.) Well then, I say, what are you -going to do now? - -CAR. See to the breakfast. - -DOR. No, no! I mean about--Miss Pillenger--and--the broom cupboard. -There'll be an infernal row, and I'm afraid you'll get beans. - -CAR. (_smiles_) I'm used to handling all kinds of vegetables. -(DORVASTON _laughs too_) As I told you last night, it doesn't matter. - -DOR. (_sits_ L. _of table_) But, by George, it _does_ matter! When I -asked you then to let me be of use to you, I put it to you as a favor, -now I ask it as a right. I got you into this mess, simply through my -beastly clumsiness, and you've got to let me see you through it somehow. - -CAR. (_back of table_) News has reached me, in rather a roundabout way, -that I have come into some money; so you see I'm independent--of Miss -Pillenger--and the broom cupboard. - -DOR. Really? - -CAR. Really! - -DOR. You're not--pulling my leg? - -CAR. (_smiling_) No! - -DOR. Then I'm devilish glad for your sake, and devilish sorry for my -own. I thought at last I saw my way--to doing you a turn. - -CAR. (_places her hand on chair at back of_ DORVASTON) My life hasn't -been a very pleasant one, but in one respect I've been lucky, I have -known two men who honestly tried to befriend a woman. - -DOR. Who was the other chap? - -CAR. His name is Carruthers. - -DOR. Not old Bob? (_rises and backs_ C.) - -CAR. (_affirmatively_) Old Bob. - -DOR. Why, he's a dear pal of mine! - -CAR. Is he? - -DOR. And did he try to be a pal to _you_? - -CAR. I was thinking of his kindness to Lady Huntworth. - -DOR. Ah, how about Lady Huntworth? Did you know her? - -CAR. Yes! (_smiling_) We are rather intimate--like myself she was -unfortunate in her choice of a husband. - -DOR. Huntworth brought the divorce, didn't he? - -CAR. Yes. Thinking he saw his way to marrying another woman, with -another fortune, he brought his suit against his wife and your friend. - -DOR. Damn him! Pardon! couldn't help it. (_crosses and kneels on chair_ -L. _of table_) - -CAR. The whole thing was utterly untrue and I know she asked Bob to -join her in making no defence rather than remain Lady Huntworth. - -DOR. The only thing that rather fogs me is, when the verdict was once -given, why didn't Bob marry her? - -CAR. He did suggest it. - -DOR. Well? - -CAR. She said no. - -DOR. Why did she do that? - -CAR. She knew he didn't care for _her_, nor she for _him_--at least not -in that way. - -DOR. (_rises, crosses_ C.) Still, it was game of her to refuse! There -ain't many women placed as she was who'd have done it. (_goes up and -leans on balustrade, thinking_) - -CAR. Perhaps not. (_pause--takes up tray and crosses_ C.; _as she -moves_ C. DORVASTON _turns and places hand on tray_) I must go now. - -DOR. No, wait one minute. I'm going on duty directly. My duty is to -make Lucy a happy little woman and I mean to do it. But you seem to -be going down rather a lonely road and I want you to remember that -somewhere or other there is an old duffer lumbering about the world who -will never forget you--will you remember? - -CAR. I shall remember. (_pulls tray away_) Now I really can't stay any -longer. (_crosses to first step_) - -DOR. (_holding out his hand_) I say! (_she turns--places tray on -balustrade_) Will you? - -CAR. Of course! Why not? (_they shake hands_) - -DOR. Supposing I'd been a free man, do you think you--could---- - -CAR. Oh! (_draws hand away and takes up tray, moves to second step_) -That opens out a very large question. I haven't time to answer that. - -DOR. (_touches her on shoulder, she turns_) I wonder if we shall ever -come across each other in the future? - -CAR. (_looking at him_) More unlikely things have happened. (_mounts -third step, turns to him_) Good-bye! (_exit_) - - (DORVASTON _sinks into big chair lost in thought, takes out - cigarette case_. GANDY _enters, door_ R., _and is crossing the - stage_.) - -DOR. Good morning! (GANDY _crosses from_ O.P. _to steps_) - -GAN. Mornin'. (C.) - -DOR. Got a match about you? - -GAN. No. (_crosses to mantel_) There should be a box 'ere. (_goes to -mantel_) There is! (_he brings them to_ DORVASTON) - -DOR. (_taking them, rises_) Thanks! I suppose the papers haven't come -yet? - -GAN. They 'aven't. - -DOR. You seem a trifle down. Not quite your own bright self, are you? -(_lights cigarette_) - -GAN. I ain't! - -DOR. You went to see your mother, didn't you? - -GAN. Yes. - -DOR. Hope you found her feeling fit? - -GAN. She's fit enough! It's me. - -DOR. What's the matter? (_hands back matches_) - -GAN. Weal cutlet for supper--that's wot's the matter! (DORVASTON -_crosses up back to window_. GANDY _puts matches on mantelpiece_) I've -always done my dooty by mother, so I picked a bit, and then I went -to bed and dreamt I was superintendin' my own funeral. Weal cutlet! -(_crosses up steps_) Mother gets above herself. - -DOR. (_at window_) Have you tried a drop of brandy? - -GAN. I 'ave. (_first step_) - -DOR. I should try another. - -GAN. (_second step_) I mean to. (DORVASTON _strolls out through the -window and off_ R. MISS PILLENGER _enters_ L., GANDY _giving way_) - -MISS P. Gandy, can you tell me what has happened to my shoes? - -GAN. No. - -MISS P. I put them outside my door last night, but this morning I find -one of them still uncleaned and the other has disappeared. You haven't -seen it, I suppose? - -GAN. I 'aven't. - -MISS P. Very singular! (_crosses to window up back._ GANDY _goes up -stairs_) Have you seen Miss Lucy? She is not in her room! - -GAN. No. - - (MR. PILLENGER _enters_ L. GANDY _gives way. He has cut his cheek - while shaving and is wearing a piece of black sticking plaster._) - -PIL. Good morning! - -MISS P. Good morning, Audley. - -PIL. (_to_ GANDY) Has the post come? - -GAN. No, it ain't. (_he goes off_ L.) - -MISS P. You appear to have had an accident. - -PIL. Accident! - -MISS P. In completing your toilette. - -PIL. Eh? Hum--yes. The razor slipped. My nervous system is slightly -disorganized. - -MISS P. The result of last night. - -PIL. (_startled_) Last night? I--er--fail to understand you. - -MISS P. I was referring to your indisposition. - -PIL. Oh!--Ah!--exactly. (_crosses to window_) - -MISS P. Are you going out? - -PIL. I thought the fresh morning air might be beneficial. - -MISS P. I must ask you to remain. I have a most painful subject to -talk over with you. (_sits_ R.) - -PIL. Need we deal with it now? Painful subjects should never be -discussed on an empty--before breakfast. - -MISS P. It does not admit of delay. We may have to face a serious -scandal. - -PIL. (_crosses to chair_ L.) Scandal! I trust, Hannah, you are weighing -your words very carefully. - -MISS P. I am not in the habit of speaking heedlessly. What I have to -tell you refers to Cook--(DORVASTON _appears at the window--he has_ -MISS PILLENGER'S _shoe in his hand_)--and to Captain Dorvaston. - - (DORVASTON _enters smoking_.) - -PIL. Ah! here--is--er--Captain Dorvaston. (_he crosses to_ L. _and -indicates to_ DORVASTON _that_ MISS PILLENGER _is in the room_. -DORVASTON _throws cigarette away and comes to top of chair_ R. C.) - -DOR. Good morning, sir. Good morning, ma'am! (MISS PILLENGER _bows -frigidly_. DORVASTON _crosses to chair_) - -PIL. Hannah was just--er--mentioning, as you entered, that--you---- - -DOR. (_quietly beating the back of chair with shoe_) Yes, I fancied I -caught my name. What were you saying, ma'am? - -MISS P. I was saying, Captain Dorvaston---- (_she notices the shoe_) -What are you doing with that shoe? - -DOR. Just picked it up. - -MISS P. Why did you touch it? Your doing so seems to me to be strangely -wanting in delicacy. - -DOR. Don't see anything indelicate in picking up an old shoe. I found -it on the garden path. - -MISS P. My shoe on the garden path! - -DOR. Yours! I thought it was Gandy's. - -MISS P. If you thought to keep me a prisoner in my room by the removal -of my shoe, the expedient was abortive. I have several other pairs. - -DOR. Don't know what the deuce you're driving at, ma'am. Sorry I -disturbed the thing. Shall I put it back? - -MISS P. I will thank you to restore it to me. (DORVASTON _hands shoe, -and_ MISS PILLENGER _crosses, and puts it on cabinet_ R.) Thank you! -(_she returns and sits_ L. _of table_) Now, with your permission, I -will resume what I was saying to Mr. Pillenger when you came in. (_the -men exchange glances_) I warned you last night I should consider it my -duty to acquaint Lucy with the details of--my--very painful discovery -(DORVASTON _starts to go off at window_; PILLENGER _follows his -example upstairs_) but I find she has gone out for a walk--at least -so I imagine. Well--Audley--Audley (MISS PILLENGER _calls_ PILLENGER -_back, and he calls_ DORVASTON _back_; PILLENGER _sits on settle, and_ -DORVASTON _leans on balustrade_) Well, Audley, the painful discovery I -allude to was this. After returning home last night I had occasion to -visit the kitchen in order to speak to Cook for a moment. While doing -so, I heard a mysterious noise. I investigated its origin, and found -Captain Dorvaston concealed in the broom cupboard. He was unable to -give me any lucid explanation. I now leave the matter in your hands. -(_slight pause_) - -DOR. I don't know whether it's much good me saying anything--is it, sir? - -PIL. (_rises_) I think otherwise. (DORVASTON _surprised_) I shall be -very happy to hear anything you care to tell me. Appearances are often -misleading. - -MISS P. But, Audley, surely---- - -PIL. Hannah, the matter has now been submitted to my judgment. I shall -not approach it in a spirit of carping doubt. If our dear friend can -give us his personal assurance that the whole thing was--a--little joke -for instance---- - -MISS P. A little joke! - -PIL. If he could tell us that in concealing himself in the--er--broom -cupboard, he had an idea of jumping out suddenly and startling somebody -by saying "Boo"--not you particularly--but Cook, or Keziah, or -myself---- - -MISS P. You? What should you be doing in the kitchen? - -PIL. No--that is so; but still, though I deprecate practical joking -as a rule, I should consider the explanation as not being without a -certain measure of antecedent plausibility. - -MISS P. You appear to be putting words into Captain Dorvaston's mouth. - -PIL. No, pardon me, I merely say that such a line of defence would -carry conviction to an unbiased mind. The army is proverbially a -light-hearted profession. - -DOR. Well, sir, I'm afraid I can't exactly say that. - -MISS P. There! - -PIL. In any case, Hannah, our friend Dorvaston is Lucy's -responsibility. (_leans on mantel_) - -MISS P. At all events, Cook is _yours_! - -PIL. Eh? Hum--yes---- - -MISS P. You will of course ring the bell and discharge her. - -PIL. I--really think we should endeavour to avoid any---- - -MISS P. (_rises_) Her continued presence in the house would be an -insult to _me_. - -PIL. (_loudly_) To avoid any appearance of temper--do you hear me, -Hannah?--of temper. - -DOR. (_coming to_ MISS PILLENGER) Upon my soul, ma'am, Cook hadn't -anything to do with it. I was there against her wish. - -PIL. (_crossing to_ C.) Surely that is a most convincing testimony. - -DOR. I know last night things didn't look quite square, but whatever -fault there _was_, was my fault. - -PIL. Precisely! No doubt! (_the men look at each other_) - -DOR. I was chatting to Cook--it was a stoopid thing to do--but there -was no harm in it. - -PIL. None whatever, I feel sure. - -DOR. In fact, the governor knows there wasn't! - -MISS P. How should my brother know? - -PIL. Hum!--tut--tut! - -DOR. How! Why, because he was in the lar---- (_pause_, MISS PILLENGER -_stares, both men stare at each other with their mouths open_) - -PIL. (_eagerly_) I was sure to take a broad-minded view. Doubtless that -is our friend's meaning. - -DOR. Yes, that is what I meant. It got late, and I heard you coming, -ma'am, and I knew you're a bit strict, don't you know! - -PIL. Quite so! - -DOR. And as I was supposed to be seedy, I thought you'd take my being -there the wrong way, don't you see? So I--nipped into the broom -cupboard, don't you understand? (_crosses up back_) - -PIL. (_crosses to top of table_) To a moderately impartial intelligence -the whole thing is as clear as day, and really reflects discredit on no -one. - -MISS P. Is it your intention to say nothing to Cook on the subject? - -PIL. I think we should give her to understand that careful -investigation has tended to modify our original misconception of the -true facts of the case. - -MISS P. (_rising_) Then, Audley, I have this to say---- (_crosses to_ -R.) - - (GANDY _enters_ L.) - -GAN. (_at top of steps_) I've just found a gent in the dry ditch at the -end of the garden. - -PIL. (_pause_) A gent in the ditch! (DORVASTON _crosses to balustrade_) -What gent?--er--gentleman? - -GAN. 'E was asleep and I shook 'im--'e grunted, and I shook 'im again. -'E says his name's Crayll, and 'e'd like to see you. - -PIL. Crayll! (_to_ DORVASTON) That is the person who called on you -yesterday? - -DOR. Yes, I know him. - -PIL. He wished to see _me_? (_to_ GANDY) - -GAN. 'E said so. - -PIL. Show him in. (GANDY _goes out_. DORVASTON _crosses_ L.) Surely a -most singular circumstance! Why did he go to sleep in my ditch? (MISS -PILLENGER _crosses up to top of window_) - -DOR. I suppose, as he's an acquaintance of mine, he thought you -wouldn't object. - -PIL. He must be very eccentric. (_crosses to_ R. _corner_) - -DOR. Yes, he's a rum sort of chap! (GANDY _enters, followed by_ CRAYLL, -_who looks rather dilapidated_) - -GAN. Mr. Crayll! (_at top of steps--he goes out_--CRAYLL _is at top of -steps_) - -CRAY. Good mornin'! (_at top of steps_) - -PIL. Good morning! - -CRAY. (_to_ DORVASTON) How are you? (_crosses down and puts hat on -settle_) - -DOR. How are you? - -CRAY. Think I'll sit down. (_crosses_ R.) Feel rather shaky. (_he sits_ -L. _of table_; DORVASTON _is standing with his back to the fireplace_) - -PIL. By all means. (_indicating_ MISS PILLENGER) My sister! - -CRAY. Oh! (_he nods carelessly_) - -PIL. But, my dear sir, (_sits_ R.) I understand you passed the -night--or some portion of it--in er--the ditch? - -CRAY. 'Pears I did. - -PIL. But--how did you get there? - -CRAY. How the devil should I know? - -PIL. Tut, tut! - -CRAY. I must have bin sprung last night, that's about the size of it. -I seem to recollect somebody pickin' me up, and then chuckin' me down -again, like a sack of coals. (_to_ PILLENGER) It wasn't you, was it? - -PIL. Certainly not! But you seem to be shivering. May I offer you -anything? - -MISS P. (_from back of table--coming down a little_) A hot cup of tea? - -CRAY. Tea be damned! - -PIL. Tut! (MISS PILLENGER _is shocked, and goes up_) - -CRAY. No, I should like a hair of the dog that bit me. - -PIL. (_rises excitedly and leans over table_) Bitten by a dog! Good -Heavens! My dear sir, the place should be cauterised at once--no time -should be lost! - -CRAY. Oh, don't be such an ass! I mean whiskey. (_looking closely at_ -PILLENGER) What's that on your face? What is it? What's that filthy -black thing crawling over your face? - -PIL. I--er--you probably---- - -CRAY. What is it? (_loudly--rises excitedly_) Why the devil don't you -tell me what it is? - -PIL. A slight accident in shaving. My razor is somewhat out of -condition--merely sticking plaster. - -CRAY. Oh! (_subsiding_) Thought it was a spider. (_pause_) I want to -talk to you. - -PIL. Yes. (_sits_) - -CRAY. Want to say a word or two about your Cook. (DORVASTON _makes a -slight movement_; MISS PILLENGER _crosses down to chair_) - -PIL. Indeed! - -CRAY. I s'pose you didn't know much about her when you took her. Did -you? - -MISS P. No. - -PIL. Hannah, permit me! In answer to your inquiry, I may say we -obtained the highest testimonials from the Duchess of Sturton. - -CRAY. Oh yes, that's all right--they're pals. (_all start_) Did she -tell you your Cook was married. - -MISS P. Married? - -PIL. Hannah! Hannah! No, sir, she did not. - -CRAY. Well she _is_. Did she say she was a well-known society woman, -who wasn't living with her husband? - -MISS P. Good gracious! - -PIL. Her Grace did not mention the fact--if it _is_ a fact. - -CRAY. It _is_--you may lay your shirt on it. That ain't quite the sort -of party you want in your kitchen, is it? Now I happen to know the -husband'd be willin' to overlook the past--and take her back again---- - -PIL. Er--really? - -CRAY. He's a good-natured beggar, and he don't bear malice. He put it -to her, but she's an obstinate devil--she didn't listen to reason. Now -it struck me that as you're a magpie---- - -PIL. Tut! - -MISS P. A magpie? - -CRAY. Beg pardon--I mean as you're a parson, with your eye on the -marriage service--"Those who Heaven joined" and all that kind of -thing--you might see your way to chuckin' her out, neck and crop, -without a character--D'you see?--and so bring her to a sense of dooty. - -MISS P. Really, Audley, there is something to be said for this -gentleman's suggestion. - -PIL. Whatever course it may ultimately be desirable for me to adopt, I -shall require more definite information than I at present possess as to -the intentions and--er--general identity--of the alleged husband. - -CRAY. You can have it. I'm her husband. - -PIL. You! (MISS PILLENGER _also conveys surprise_) - -CRAY. Yes, you ask her; she'll admit she's been married all right. - -MISS P. I'll ring for her at once. (_makes movement, rises and crosses -to_ L.) - -CRAY. (_hastily_) Hold hard! Stop that, old woman! (MISS PILLENGER -_pauses_) I don't want to see her--there wouldn't be any good in -that--the meeting would be painful all round. (_rising_) No! you do -what I say--tell her to pack up her traps and go--and then my arms -will be open to her. (MISS PILLENGER _returns and sits_) Good mornin'! -(_crosses_ C.) - - (CRAYLL _goes_ L., DORVASTON _intercepts him_.) - -DOR. You're not leaving us? - -CRAY. Yes, I am! - -DOR. I think not! - -CRAY. What d'you mean? I suppose I can go when I like? (_moves forward_) - -DOR. You will go when I like; and before you do, you've got to face -the lady you've just been trying to injure. Sit down there (_pointing -to settle_) and don't move, or I shall hurt you! (CRAYLL _hesitates_) -Sit down! (CRAYLL _sits sulkily_) Now I'm going to ring the bell, and -Mr. Pillenger will send for Mrs. Crayll; but if you try to get away, I -shall probably hurt you rather badly. Do you follow me? - -CRAY. Yes. - -DOR. That's all right. (_crosses and rings bell; to_ MR. PILLENGER) -Sorry to take the business out of your hands, sir, but we've got to see -it through, don't you know? - -PIL. I think it would undoubtedly be desirable. (GANDY _enters_) -Will you ask Mrs.--er--I mean--er--kindly inform Cook we should like -to speak to her. (GANDY _goes out_, MISS PILLENGER _sits; long pause, -during which no one moves_) Er--wonderful how the--eh--fine weather -lasts! (_another pause_) - - (_Then_ CAROLINE _enters in outdoor costume; she is putting on her - gloves. She comes down the steps and advances quietly to the - table._) - -CAR. You have something to say to me? - -MISS P. Yes, we have. - -CAR. That is fortunate, because I have something to say to you. - -PIL. (MISS PILLENGER _makes to speak_) Hannah, you will greatly oblige -me by remaining silent. We wished, Cook---- - -CAR. (_near chair_ C.) Pardon me, Mr. Pillenger, I have no longer any -claim to that title--I beg to hand in my resignation. - -PIL. You contemplate leaving us? - -CAR. Yes. I've sent for a fly. - -MISS P. Audley, since this lady objects to be referred to as Cook, I -think you should address her by her name--her real name. - -CAR. (_glancing at_ MISS PILLENGER) I doubt if you know it. - -MISS P. We are better informed than you imagine, Mrs. Crayll! - -CAR. Oh, that's it! - -PIL. (_rises_) My dear madam, pray believe the--er--somewhat startling -information came to us unsought. Our informant was that gentleman. -(_points to_ CRAYLL) - -CAR. What gentleman? - -DOR. (_to_ CRAYLL) You can stand up now. (CRAYLL _rises and crosses -down_ L. C., _and advances a step or two_. COOK _turns and sees him_) - -CAR. I see! (_slight pause_) Well, what has he told you? - -MISS P. This gentleman came here this morning to beg us---- - -CAR. To turn me out? - -MISS P. Be that as it may, he is anxious to make an appeal to his, I -fear, misguided wife. - -CAR. Is he indeed? - -CRAY. I've been tellin' 'em I want you to come back--man can't say -more, can he? - -CAR. What else did he tell you? - -MISS P. He mentioned you were a well-known woman in society--and that -you had been living apart from your husband. - -CAR. Quite so! Was that all he said? - -PIL. I think that embraced the whole of Mr. Crayll's statement. -(_pause_) - -CAR. Up to a certain point he told the truth. I did marry him some -years ago. - -MISS P. You concealed the fact when you entered our service. - -CAR. It wasn't a thing I felt inclined to boast of. As he was so -confidential, it seems odd he forgot to tell you we were recently -divorced. - -PIL. Divorced! - -MISS P. Divorced! - -CAR. There is one other thing--I think it is only fair you should know -what a distinguished individual you have been entertaining in the -person of Mr. Crayll. - -CRAY. Keep your infernal tongue between your teeth! - -CAR. This gentleman---- - -CRAY. I shan't stay here to be baited--and badgered. (_going_) - -DOR. (_advancing_) You'll stay where you are! - -CAR. This gentleman is Lord Huntworth, I am--I was Lady Huntworth. -(_all convey astonishment_) Last night Lord Huntworth dropped in the -kitchen a letter. It was from a firm of solicitors. - -CRAY. (_putting his hand to his breast pocket_) Damn! - -CAR. Telling him I had inherited a large sum of money. Lord Huntworth -is rather hard up just now. There is nothing unusual in the -circumstance, but I mention it because it explains the reason of his -generous offer to condone the past. (_pause_) Here is your letter; -(_producing it_) you needn't trouble to answer it--I shall call on -Messrs. Brampton and Stokes in the course of the day. (CRAYLL _snatches -the letter_) I don't think we need detain you any longer, need we? -(CRAYLL _turns for hat_ L., _snarls at_ DORVASTON _and exits up steps_; -CAROLINE _watches him off_) - -PIL. Is it actually the case that you are the Lady Huntworth? - -CAR. (_turns to the_ PILLENGERS) Yes, I am the Lady Huntworth who is so -widely and so very unfavourably known. (_turns to_ DORVASTON) Would you -oblige me by ringing the bell, Captain Dorvaston? - -DOR. Certainly? (_he does so_) - -CAR. (_again speaking to the_ PILLENGERS) If I thought there was even -a chance that you could understand my doing what I have done I would -try to make it clear to you, but you couldn't--I should only waste your -time and my own. (GANDY _enters_) Gandy, has the fly come? - -GAN. It 'as. - -CAR. Thanks! Good-bye! (_she holds out her hand, he takes it -respectfully_) We've been good friends, haven't we? - -GAN. We 'ave; servin' with you 'as bin a honour. (_exit_) - -CAR. (_smiling and to the_ PILLENGERS) Mr. Pillenger--(_he rises_) -You have done everything in your power to render my little experiment -a pleasant one. I am grateful; and if your thoughts should ever turn -in my direction I hope you will let your mind dwell on the excellence -of my curried chicken, rather than on the supposed hopelessness of my -moral character. Good-bye. - -PIL. (_bows sadly_) Good-bye! (_sits disconsolate_; COOK _nods to_ MR. -PILLENGER _pleasantly; then turns and gives a very stately bow to_ MISS -PILLENGER, _who stiffly returns it_; COOK _then goes_ L., _but pauses -as she mounts the steps and speaks to_ DORVASTON) - -CAR. We have already taken leave of each other, but it has occurred to -me that perhaps you might care to let me hear from you. I am leaving -England for some time, but that address will find me. (_gives a card to -him_) Poste Restante, Brussels. - -DOR. Poste Restante, Brussels. - -CAR. Yes. Good-bye! - -DOR. (_with a sigh_) Good-bye! (_sits down on settle; she goes out_) - - (_After she has gone_ DORVASTON _sits pensively on the settle; - there is a pause; all three sit staring at nothing; then_ GANDY - _enters with newspapers at window; he goes to_ PILLENGER.) - -GAN. (_crosses to_ R. _to_ PILLENGER) "Standard!" (PILLENGER _takes -it, but allows it to drop by his side_; GANDY _then crosses to_ MISS -PILLENGER) "Church Times!" (_he then crosses to_ DORVASTON _and hands -him the other paper_) "Sportin' Life!" (PILLENGER _and_ DORVASTON _pick -up papers and try to read_; MISS DORVASTON _reads_, GANDY _goes up two -steps, then turns_) 'Ow about dinner? - -PIL. Eh? - -DOR. What? - -GAN. 'Ow about dinner? - -PIL. Don't dare allude to it. (_rises and sits at exit_) - -DOR. Get out of the room! (_rises and sits at exit_) - - (GANDY _goes out, the two men open their papers firmly and - begin to read_; LUCY _enters at window followed nervously by_ - THORSBY--LUCY _dragging him into_ C.; LUCY _is_ L. C., THORSBY R. - C.) - -LUCY. Good-morning, everybody! - -MISS P. Good morning! - -PIL. (_not looking up_) Good morning! - -DOR. (_doing the same_) Good morning! - -LUCY. I've brought Mr. Thorsby with me. - -MISS P. Good day, Mr. Thorsby! (_he bows_) - -DOR. (_not looking round_) Ah, Thorsby! (THORSBY _bows_) - -DOR. (_not looking round_) How are you, Thorsby? (THORSBY _bows once -more_) - -LUCY. We've just been married. - - MISS P. } What? (_all rise and throw down papers_; - PIL. } DORVASTON _immediately takes Bradshaw off_ - DOR. } _mantel and sits on settle looking out trains_) - -LUCY. Uncle, it wasn't Harry's doing, so if you feel riled you -must pitch into me. I'm responsible. Harry hated the deception all -through--didn't you? - -THOR. I---- - -LUCY. All right, don't interrupt. We started early, biked over to -Ingledene Church--did the trick--rode back, and we want everybody's -blessing, and a good breakfast. - -PIL. As you are practically independent of my control I fear I have no -power to withhold the blessing. The good breakfast may be less easily -obtained. - -LUCY. Why? - -PIL. Cook has left us? (_crosses up to desk_ R., _kicking the papers -from his feet viciously as he goes_) - -LUCY. Oh! I'm sorry! She got up early, and made us some coffee, (_takes -hat up_ R. C.) - -DOR. Then she knew? - -LUCY. Of course she did! I told her. - -MISS P. She would naturally take a prominent part in any duplicity. -(_crossing to window_; THORSBY _goes up after her to make his peace_) - -LUCY. That's all rot. She was a real good sort--a long way better than -most of us (_she goes to_ DORVASTON) Jack, old boy! - -DOR. Yes, little woman? (_sitting_ L. _looking at Bradshaw_) - -LUCY. You're the only one that matters. I cared for Harry--and you -didn't care for me--did you? Tell me you didn't, or I shall hate -myself. You'd have married me and tried to look pleasant, but it would -have taken you all your time. Now, Jack, I want to hear you take your -oath you don't mind. - -DOR. (_rises_) Mind! (_rings bell, returns, and takes_ LUCY _by both -hands_) My dear child, you don't know what a turn you've done me by -throwing me over for a better man. Mind? (_crosses to_ THORSBY, _claps -him on the shoulder_) My dear Thorsby, I wish you all the luck you -could wish yourself--and you'll get it! A chap who could carry out a -thing of this kind in such an exceptional way has all the makings of a -future bishop. (GANDY _enters_) Pack my things at once; I must catch -the 11:15 to town. (GANDY _goes out_) - -LUCY. Going to leave us? - -DOR. (_crosses to_ LUCY) I must, little woman--but I won't forget -to send you a wedding present--silver mug--no, that's later! (LUCY -_crosses to_ THORSBY U. B. _To_ PILLENGER) Good-bye, sir. (PILLENGER -_rises, and they shake hands across the table, he then sits again_) -Keep your head up and your liver active. - -PIL. Good-bye! - -DOR. (_to_ MISS PILLENGER) Good-bye, ma'am. I mean to be quite -respectable by the time we meet again. (_they shake hands_) - -MISS P. I hope so. - -DOR. (_to_ THORSBY) Good-bye, young fellah! Give that little filly her -head, and she won't want the whip. (_crosses_ L. _of_ LUCY _and the -others_) Good-bye, little woman! (_kisses her_) God bless you! (_kisses -her--runs up steps_) - -LUCY. Good-bye, dear old boy! (_leans over balustrade; he is going_) -You'll let us hear from you? - -DOR. Yes! (_runs up steps_) - -LUCY. Where will a letter find you? - -DOR. (_hastily taking out card and looking at it. Turns to her_) Poste -Restante, Brussels! (_as he goes off the_ - - CURTAIN FALLS. - - - - - - TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES - - - Silently corrected simple spelling, grammar, and typographical - errors. - - Retained anachronistic and non-standard spellings as printed. - - Enclosed italics font in _underscores_. - - Enclosed distinctive font in ~tildes~. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Lady Huntworth's Experiment, by -Richard Claude Carton - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT *** - -***** This file should be named 50097-8.txt or 50097-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/0/0/9/50097/ - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, Clarity and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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