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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ee5dd94 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #50097 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/50097) diff --git a/old/50097-8.txt b/old/50097-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index edb8243..0000000 --- a/old/50097-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,5053 +0,0 @@ -Project Gutenberg's Lady Huntworth's Experiment, by Richard Claude Carton - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Lady Huntworth's Experiment - An original comedy in three acts - -Author: Richard Claude Carton - -Release Date: September 30, 2015 [EBook #50097] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT *** - - - - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, Clarity and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) - - - - - - - - - - LADY HUNTWORTH'S - EXPERIMENT - - ~An Original Comedy in Three Acts~ - - - BY - R. C. CARTON - AUTHOR OF "LIBERTY HALL," ETC., ETC., ETC. - - COPYRIGHT, 1904, BY SAMUEL FRENCH. - - CAUTION:--Professionals and Amateurs are hereby notified - that this play is fully copyrighted under the existing laws of - the United States Government, and nobody is allowed - to do this play without first having obtained - permission of Samuel French, 24 West - 22d St., New York City, U. S. A. - - NEW YORK - SAMUEL FRENCH - PUBLISHER - 24 WEST 22D STREET - - LONDON - SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD. - 26 SOUTHAMPTON ST. - STRAND, LONDON, W. C. - - - - -LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. - - _Produced at the Criterion Theatre, London, 26th April, 1900._ - - - - -CHARACTERS. - - - CAPTAIN DORVASTON (late Bengal Cavalry) Mr. Arthur Bourchier. - - REV. AUDLEY PILLENGER (Vicar of - Stillford, in the parish of Droneborough) Mr. Eric Lewis. - - REV. HENRY THORSBY (his Curate) Mr. A. E. Matthews. - - GANDY (Man-servant at the Vicarage) Mr. Ernest Hendrie. - - NEWSPAPER BOY Master R. Denny. - - MR. CRAYLL Mr. Dion Boucicault. - - MISS HANNAH PILLENGER (Rev. Audley's - sister) Miss Fanny Coleman. - - LUCY PILLENGER (their Niece) Miss Gertrude Elliot. - - KEZIAH (Servant at the Vicarage) Miss Polly Emery. - - CAROLINE RAYWARD (Cook at the - Vicarage) Miss Compton. - - - - - ACT I. - - THE VICARAGE GARDEN.--Morning. - - ACT II. - - THE VICARAGE KITCHEN.--The same evening. - - ACT III. - - THE VICARAGE LIBRARY.--Next morning. - -[Illustration: _Act I._ _Scene Plot._ - -_Scene--Back of Vicarage with Garden._] - -[Illustration: PLAN OF BREAKFAST TABLE.--ACT I. - -FACING DOWN STAGE. - - _Note 1._--Those articles _not_ marked with an asterisk are - discovered. - - _Note 2._--Those articles marked with an asterisk are brought on. - - _Note 3._--Great care must be used in setting the table.] - -[Illustration: _Act II._ _Scene Plot._ - -_Scene--Vicar's Kitchen._] - -[Illustration: _Act II._ - -_Position of Articles discovered and where placed when brought on, -which must be very exact_] - -[Illustration: _Act III._ _Scene Plot._ - -_Scene--Vicar's Study._] - - ACT I. PROPERTY PLOT. - - Circular Table, L.C. 4 Rustic Chairs, Round Table, L.C. - Seat round Tree, R.C. Parsley-bed, L.I.E. - Small Rustic Table, L. of Tree R.C. Bench in front of Window. - Table Cloth } - 4 Napkins in Rings } - 4 Large Plates } - 4 Small Plates } - 4 Cups, Saucers, and Spoons } _Discovered set on_ - 4 Large Knives and Forks } _Breakfast Table_ - 4 Small Knives } _on_ - Large Fork and Spoon } _Butler's Tray_ L.C. - 1 Cruet } - Slop Basin } - Milk in Jug } - Sugar in Basin with Tongs } - - Butter in Dish with Knife } - Jam in Dish with Spoon } - Toast in Toast-rack } - Kidneys in Entrée Dish } _All off_ L.O.E. - Tea in Tea-pot (4 people) } _for_ - Large Oval Salver } GANDY. - Large Circular Salver } - Small Card Salver } - 3 Eggs in stand and Spoons } - - 2 White Pudding Basins } - Fork } - White China Dish } - 2 Eggs in Basin } _All off_ L.U.E. - Bottle Salad Oil } _for_ - Medium-sized Salver } CAROLINE. - Syphon of Potash } - Whiskey in Decanter } - 2 Tumblers. } - - Door Bell to Ring in Kitchen. - - Letters in Tree R.C., _Discovered_. Letters for Thorsby, L. - "Standard" with par. } _In American cloth Wrapper_ - "Sporting Life" } _for_ - 6 various papers } _Boy off_ L. - Flowers in Bowl for Lucy _off_ L.U.E. - Five Letters for Gandy _off_ R.U.E. - Tobacco Pouch } - Pipe } - Matches and Match-box } _For_ DORVASTON. - Marriage Settlement } - Orchid for DORVASTON _off_ R. "2" E. - Cigars in case for CRAYLL. Chimes _off_ L.U.E. - - - ACT II. PROPERTY PLOT. - - Kitchen Table, L.C. 2 Kitchen Chairs. Kettle on Stove. - Cake in Tin in Oven down Stage. - Kitchen Fender and Fire-irons. Hearth-rug. - - Clock } - Tin Jelly Moulds } _On Mantelpiece._ - Candlesticks } - - Jelly Moulds on Walls above Mantel. - Candle in Stand and Matches on Bracket above Fireplace. - Meal-sack above Fireplace. Towel on Roller above Meat-Jack. - - Plates in Rack above Sink } - Warm Water in Bowl on Sink } _In Scullery._ - - Work-box containing Pudding Cloth, } - Needle, &c. } - Glass Tray } _All in Window._ - Newspaper ("Standard") } - Plate Basket } - - 1 Meat Cover on Wall over Meat-Jack. - Almanac on Wall. Brooms and Pail in Cupboard. - Looking-glass on Flat between Garden-door and Larder. - Mat outside Garden-door. - - Cheese Dish } - Large Butter Dish } _In Larder._ - Fruit Salad } - - 4 Cheese Plates } - 4 Fruit Plates } _On Dresser._ - 1 Wine Glass } - - Dresser Furnished. - - 2 Glass Cloths } - "Family Herald" } _In Kitchen Table Drawer._ - - Orchid in Specimen-glass in Window. Stuffed Fish in Cases. - Ham on Dish for Keziah. Canary in Cage, hanging in Window. - - Salmon on Dish } - 4 Plates } - 4 Fish Knives and Forks } - 4 Teaspoons } _Discovered on Table._ - Piece of Rag } - Radishes in Water in Bowl } - Radishes in Dish } - - 2 Chickens on Dish } - Salad Bowl } - 4 Plates } _1st Load on Butler's Tray._ - 4 Knives and Forks } - - Fruit Salad } - 4 Plates, Forks, and Spoons } _2nd Load._ - - Whiskey Syphon and Glass } - 4 Tumblers, 4 Claret Glasses } - Bread Platter and Knife } - Cheese Dish and Butter Dish } _3rd Load._ - Radish Dish, 4 Knives, and 4 Plates } - - HAND PROPERTIES. - - Hand-bag for GANDY } - Music Case for DORVASTON } _Off_ R.I.E. - Cigars in Case } - Pins for CAROLINE. Letter in Letter-case for CRAYLL. - - ACT III. PROPERTY PLOT. - - Oak Table R.C. and Cover. 3 Oak Chairs R.L. and Top of Table. - Davenport R. Oak Chair at Davenport. Armchair in Alcove L. - Library Steps Alcove R. Settle above Fireplace. Fender and - Fire-irons. 2 Large Rugs. Stair Carpet and Rods on Stairs. - Pictures on Walls. - - "Bradshaw" } - Box of Safety Matches } _On Mantelpiece dt._ - - Electric Push below Fireplace. Books in Bookcase. - 2 pairs Green Plush Curtains and 1 single ditto. - 2 Spring Blinds fitted to Window. - - HAND PROPERTIES. - - 2 Coffee Cups (coloured) } - Milk in Milk-jug } _All on Japanese Tray for_ - Sugar in Basin and Tongs } CAROLINE, L. - Bread and Butter on Plate } - - Lady's shoe } - Sprig of Syringa } _For_ CAROLINE, L. - - Cigarettes in Case for DORVASTON. - Wedding Ring for THORSBY. - Lawyer's Letter for CAROLINE. - - Papers:-- - "Standard," "Sporting Life." - "Church Times" for GANDY, R. - - * * * * * - -NOTE.--Properties are marked with a small asterisk showing their -position. - -The crosses with numbers in Act I. show where the chairs are moved to; -the C. one is not moved at all. - -All doors want proper locks on. The gate in Act I. wants a latch and -spring to make it spring to. - -Inside Broom Cupboard must have small bolt for DORVASTON to bolt when -inside. - -The down-stage oven must open to receive cake in tin. It should have -iron fixings on to make realistic noise. - - - - -LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT. - - - - -ACT I. - - SCENE.--_The Vicarage Garden, according to plan._ - - TIME.--_Early morning._ - - (_After the curtain rises_ THORSBY _enters at gate_ L. I. E., - _looks at French window, crosses and looks at kitchen window, - goes over cautiously to the tree_ R.; _he mounts on the seat and - extracts a letter from the cavity in the tree, replacing it with - one of his own; he then stands leaning against the tree, while he - opens, kisses, and begins to read the letter; while he is doing - this_, GANDY _comes out of the house with toast in rack and jam - on dish on salver; he catches sight of_ THORSBY; _crosses to top - of table_ L.) - - -GAN. Good morning, Mr. Thorsby! - -THOR. (_startled, squashes letter into his pocket_) Eh! Oh, good -morning! I was--I--wanted to see Mr. Pillenger. - -GAN. Mr. Pillenger ain't much in the 'abit of climbin' trees before -breakfast. (_puts jam on table_) - -THOR. No, of course not. (_he jumps down_) I thought I saw a bird's -nest, (_looks_) I was mistaken; but feeling (BOY _heard whistling the -A.M.B._) rather warm after my walk, I fancied it would be cooler under -the branches. My object, in fact, was---- - -GAN. Shady! (_crosses down_ L. _of table_) - -THOR. What? - -GAN. I was sayin' it's shady under the h'oak. (_puts toast on table_) - -THOR. Exactly. - - (NEWSBOY _enters at gate, crosses to_ C. _and calls towards - kitchen window_.) - -BOY. Papiers! - -GAN. Late again! (_crosses in front of table_) - -BOY. No, I ain't. (_turns and faces_ GANDY) - -GAN. Yes, you h'are. (_looks at silver watch_) Four minutes and a -half late. (THORSBY _sits_ R. _and reads letter_) Your prospects of a -Christmas-box are darkenin' week by week. - -BOY. Well, but I say, Gandy! (_crosses down_ C.) - -GAN. Mr. Gandy! A leetle more respect might assist your grandmother's -next h'application to the coal and blanket fund. Now, is this to-day's -"Standard?" - -BOY. Yus! (_giving it_) - -GAN. Very good. And the other papers? - -BOY. "Sportin' Life!" (_gives it_) - -THOR. "Sporting Life!" (BOY _sees jam, and works round to top of -table_) That's rather an innovation, isn't it? - -GAN. (_crosses to_ THORSBY C.) It's for Captain Dorvaston. We deplore -it, but we're 'elpless. (_places papers on table_ R. C., _startles_ BOY -_and comes towards him_. BOY _backs towards gate. To_ BOY) Go along -with you, and, mind me, if there's any more tip-cat down our road, I -call at the police station. - -BOY. All right. Keep your 'air on. (_goes off, singing the chorus of -A.M.B._) - - (LUCY _comes out of house with bowl of flowers_.) - -LUCY. Good morning, Mr. Thorsby! (C.) - -THOR. Good morning! (_rises_) - -LUCY. You're an early visitor. (_puts bowl on table_) - -THOR. Yes, I--I was---- - -GAN. (_has crossed and turns at porch_) Bird's nestin'! (_he goes in -through porch_) - -LUCY. (_they both watch him off_, LUCY _goes up a little and down -again_) What does he mean? - -THOR. He caught me standing up on that seat. I had just found your -letter, (_she hushes him_) and I had to give some explanation. - -LUCY. And couldn't you rise to anything better than that? My dear -Harry, what an idiot you are. - -THOR. You see, I greatly dislike any deviation from the truth. - -LUCY. Truth is a luxury very few of us can afford. When you and I are -married---- - -THOR. (_advancing_) Darling! (_rushes to embrace her, she waves him -off_) - -LUCY. Stay where you are! All the back windows have eyes to them. -Muslin curtains don't count. When we are married---- (_crosses_ L.) - -THOR. In fact, after to-morrow---- - -LUCY. Oh, Harry, do shut up a minute. You object to shams, how is a -properly organised household to be carried on without 'em? (_sits_ -R. _of breakfast table_) Suppose I'm up to my neck in something -important--putting finishing touches to a new ball-dress, we'll -say--and some female horror calls--mustn't I be out because I happen to -be at home? Deviation from the truth! My dear boy, I should deviate for -all I was worth. So you got my letter? - -THOR. Yes. - -LUCY. And your answer? - -THOR. I posted it in our usual letter box. (_going to tree_) - -LUCY. All right, I'll get it directly. Does it give full directions? - -THOR. I think so. (_comes_ C.) - -LUCY. Got the special license? - -THOR. Yes. (_makes to embrace her, she puts him off and points to -windows_) - -LUCY. You've arranged with old Bristowe? - -THOR. Yes. - -LUCY. And we bike over to Ingledene Church--what time? Early of course? - -THOR. I said nine. - -LUCY. Very well. (_rises_) Now you'd better go. (_he objects_) They'll -be coming out to breakfast. - -THOR. (_again advancing_) Darling! - -LUCY. (_motions him off again_) Back windows! (_crosses up_ C. _to -house to see if they have been seen_) - -THOR. (_turning towards her_) I was going to say that I can't help -regretting the way we are treating Captain Dorvaston. - -LUCY. You mind your own business. (_she crosses down_ R. _and leans on -rustic table_) Captain Dorvaston is in my department. - -THOR. I never fully understood how you came to be engaged. (_crosses to -her_) - -LUCY. Simple enough. My father was a colonel who did some rather big -things on the Indian frontier, and in a dust up with one of the native -Princes got himself into rather a tight corner. Jack Dorvaston--he was -only a subaltern then--pulled him out of it, and in fact saved his -life; so when the governor died a year or two later, he left a strong -wish behind that the Captain should marry me. - -THOR. I understand. - -LUCY. (_crosses round and sits on tree seat_ R.) It was a queer way -of showing his gratitude, seeing that I was then a particularly -unattractive child, all elbows and knees. - -THOR. Lucy! - -LUCY. It's all right, don't be nervous; time has softened them -down. (_beckons him nearer_) I have a notion that Jack has always -funked the thing, but his colonel had given his orders, (_he sits on -table_) don't you see? And that was enough for _him_. I don't regard -discipline--military or parental--with the same amount of respect. -British freedom means the right to make a fool of one's self in one's -own way. You're my way, and that's enough for _you_. (_he tries to take -her hand, she draws it away_) Back windows! - -THOR. I suppose no one guesses that we----? - -LUCY. Mean business! No, with the exception possibly of Cook. - -THOR. Cook! (_he looks at her in surprise_) - -LUCY. Somehow I've a notion she's tumbled to it. - -THOR. Would it matter? Would she----? - -LUCY. Prattle about it? No, I think she rather likes me--tolerates -would be a better word. - -THOR. Tolerates? A woman of that class? - -LUCY. Cook is a very great personage; she rules the vicarage. Auntie -made a show of resistance at first, but Uncle and Jack have been abject -slaves from the start. - -THOR. Really? - -LUCY. Oh yes; when a woman is striking in appearance, evidently has a -past history, and can make an omelette, I don't see what's going to -stop her. - -THOR. What's her history? - -LUCY. How should I know? She was recommended to us by the Duchess -of Sturton at the time she opened the bazaar--you remember. Local -philanthropic? - -THOR. Then you've nothing tangible to go on? - -LUCY. Not from a masculine standpoint. (_rises_) Cook doesn't give -herself away, but, like Achilles, she has one vulnerable point, and in -the same locality. - -THOR. How is that? (_rising with_ LUCY) - -LUCY. She wears the neatest, quietest shoes imaginable, only I happened -to notice they have Louis heels. (_he looks in wonder_) That tells you -nothing--the inference is too subtle; but it's quite enough for me. -(GANDY _appears with butter on tray, he comes right of table_) Make a -dignified clerical exit--here comes Gandy. - -THOR. (_takes hat and backs to_ C.) I think I won't wait, Miss Lucy. -(GANDY _coughs_, THORSBY _turns nervously, and looks at him_) So will -you kindly give my message to Mr. Pillenger? - -LUCY. Certainly! - -THOR. Thank you. (_crosses to gate_ L.) Good morning! - -LUCY. Good morning. (_he looks towards_ LUCY--_catches_ GANDY'S _eye -and exits through gate_. LUCY _is applauding his exit when_ GANDY -_turns and hides her action_. LUCY _sits on garden chair and opens the -"Standard"_) Gandy! what is there for breakfast? (GANDY _has crossed to -top of table and placed butter on it_) - -GAN. H'eggs! - -LUCY. Poached? - -GAN. Biled. - -LUCY. Auntie said poached. - -GAN. Cook said biled. - -LUCY. Oh! There's some fish, isn't there? - -GAN. Kidneys. - -LUCY. But Auntie particularly mentioned fish. - -GAN. Cook thought kidneys would be _preferable_. - -LUCY. Oh! (_she reads paper_) - - (MR. PILLENGER _comes out_ C. _looking at his watch_.) - -PIL. Ah, Lucy! breakfast not ready? (LUCY _rises and crosses to_ C.) - -LUCY. Breakfast is late--as usual. - -PIL. As usual? What do you mean by as usual? - -LUCY. I mean--as usual. (_returns to seat_) - -PIL. Cook is most punctual. If some trivial hitch has occurred -this morning, I daresay a perfectly reasonable explanation will be -forthcoming. (_takes "Sporting Life" off table_) - -GAN. Kidneys was late! (_at table_) - -PIL. Kidneys was late! (_to_ LUCY)--er--were late. I knew it! That man -Skeggs' meat--which I more than suspect of being colonial--is never -delivered in time. (_to_ GANDY) Explain to Cook that the delay is of -no consequence, and beg her not to hurry. - -GAN. (_speaking as he goes_) She won't hurry! (_he goes into the -house_; PIL. _and_ LUCY _look at each other_; PIL. _then opens paper -and sees his mistake_.) - -PIL. (_takes "Standard" from_ LUCY) If I shall not be depriving you of -the "Standard"----? - -LUCY. Not at all! (_she picks up "Sporting Life"_) I'll have a look at -Jack's "Sporting Life." - -PIL. (_crossing to table, turn to her_) By the way, during the--I -trust--brief interval of time that must elapse before your marriage -with Captain Dorvaston, you might hint to him that the newspaper he -favours is at variance with the general tone of a pious household. - -LUCY. I'll mention it. - -PIL. I am obliged to you. (_crosses and sits_ L.) - - (MISS PILLENGER _comes out through French window_.) - -MISS P. Good morning, Audley! - -PIL. Good morning. (LUCY _rises, crosses and kisses_ MISS PILLENGER -_and returns_ R.) - -MISS P. Well, Lucy! - -LUCY. Good morning, Auntie. - -MISS P. Is breakfast not ready? (_looking at table through glasses_) - -PIL. No, it isn't ready--not quite ready. I have no doubt it's _nearly_ -ready. - -MISS P. I shall really have to speak sharply to Cook. (_moves towards -kitchen_) - -PIL. I see no necessity for any--er--drastic step of that description. -The delay is due to that man Skeggs. - -MISS P. Skeggs? (_returns to_ C.) - -PIL. Skeggs. It is also traceable, in a minor degree to yourself--your -injudicious selection of kidneys. - -MISS P. Kidneys? - -PIL. Yes; you are aware of my preference for fish, and therefore I -consider the substitution of kidneys---- - -MISS P. I ordered fish--and I did _not_ order kidneys. Cook is entirely -responsible for the change, and I shall certainly---- (_moves towards -kitchen again_) - -PIL. Hannah! Hannah! If Cook understood your order, which is by no -means obvious (MISS PILLENGER _crosses round and sits_ L.), she was -doubtless influenced by--er--by Lucy's partiality for kidneys. - -LUCY. I never touch them. - -PIL. Well, she couldn't know that. Really I think this discussion has -been sufficiently prolonged. - - (GANDY _comes out with breakfast. He places large salver with tea - in tea-pot, dish of kidneys, and eggs in stand on chair at top_ - R. _of table_. MR. PILLENGER _hands him the "Standard," which he - puts on back of chair. He then places eggs and dish of kidneys on - table, takes tea-pot and tray up, and crosses to_ L. _to place - it in position; he then removes cover of kidney dish, and slowly - exits through porch_.) - -PIL. Here is the breakfast. Let us endeavor to approach it in a seemly -spirit. Where is Captain Dorvaston? (LUCY _crosses to_ L.) Upon my -word, Lucy, considering the ties that will unite you, I hope _very_ -shortly, to Captain Dorvaston, I think he might conform to my rules. - -LUCY. Jack was late last night. (_sits and takes napkin out of ring_) - -PIL. He _was_. Creaking boots after midnight are a serious infliction. - -LUCY. I'll call up to him if you like. - -PIL. I should be indebted. (LUCY _rises and goes up_ C. MR. PILLENGER -_takes napkin out of ring and puts it inside his collar_) - -LUCY. (_goes up stage_) Jack! Jack! (CAPTAIN DORVASTON _opens window, -he is in his shirt sleeves_) - -DOR. Hulloa! - -LUCY. Breakfast! - -DOR. What say, little woman? - -LUCY. Breakfast! Kidneys! Devilled! (MR. PILLENGER, MISS PILLENGER -_and_ GANDY _all start_) - -PIL. Tut! tut! Broiled--broiled! - -DOR. Right-O! down in a minute! (_he shuts the window._ LUCY _returns -to the table_) - -MISS P. What are your plans for to-day, Audley? (MISS PILLENGER _has -undone napkin and is pouring out tea_) - -PIL. I expect to be rather busy. - -LUCY. It's sermon day, isn't it? (_hands toast to_ MR. PILLENGER, _and -takes an egg and toast herself_) - -PIL. It _is_. So I trust your piano practice will be reduced to a -minimum. - -LUCY. I'm going down to the village. I suppose you'll have broken the -back of it by lunch time. - -PIL. Possibly--probably! - - (DORVASTON _comes out from French window; takes_ - LUCY'S _hand between both his caressingly_.) - -DOR. 'Fraid I'm a bit late. How are you, sir? (_bowing to_ MR. -PILLENGER _and_ MISS PILLENGER) - -PIL. In my ordinary health, I am obliged to you. - -DOR. You look astonishing fit. (_sits_) Now d'you know, I feel as jumpy -as a flea. - -MISS P. Captain Dorvaston! - -DOR. Fact, ma'am! (_takes his napkin out of ring_) How are _you_ this -morning? - -MISS P. Without being actually indisposed, I feel---- (_hands tea to_ -LUCY) - -DOR. Chippy--I know; same here. Where are those kidneys you were -shouting about, Lucy? (MR. PILLENGER _hands them_) Thanks! (MR. -PILLENGER _passes kidneys to_ DORVASTON, _which he serves himself_) - -LUCY. You kept it up again last night, Jack? - -DOR. I had a gentle flutter at the Plough and Rainbow. There was a -little pool, so of course I went in. - -MISS P. I hope you changed your things, (DORVASTON _and_ LUCY _laugh_) -Captain Dorvaston. Damp clothing is so very dangerous. - -LUCY. Pool is a kind of billiards, Auntie. - -MISS P. Oh, I misunderstood! Your tea, Captain Dorvaston. (_she hands -tea to_ DORVASTON) - -DOR. Thank you, ma'am. (PILLENGER _hands salt, etc._) - -LUCY. How did you do over it? (_hands toast to_ DORVASTON) - -DOR. So so. I took a few lives at the finish. - -MISS P. Dear me! It sounds rather a bloodthirsty pastime. - -DOR. There was a man there named Crayll--nailing good player! Potted -'em just as he liked. He seemed to be a thirsty little beggar. I should -say he took a bit of knowing. - -LUCY. Who's that, Jack? - -DOR. This fellah Crayll. He's stopping at the Plough and -Thingummy--we're going to try a horse together. - -LUCY. To-day? - -DOR. Yes. Said he'd call round some time this morning. (_pause_) - -PIL. Hannah, we must dine earlier this evening, in view of the Penny -Reading. - -DOR. Another of those festive gatherings! Hope you don't expect me to -tip 'em anything this time? - -PIL. No, Captain Dorvaston; your contribution on the last occasion may -have been well intentioned--I judge no man, and will hope so---- - -DOR. Thought it was just the thing to wake 'em up after that -Shakespearian bit of yours--The Ball of Worsted. - -PIL. The Fall of Wolsey! - -MISS P. I was not present last time. What did Captain Dorvaston read? - -DOR. It was an account of the last American glove fight, don't you know? - -MISS P. Oh! - -PIL. Described with a wealth of technical detail. (_hands his cup -to_ MISS PILLENGER) The whole occurrence was most regrettable. I was -observing, Hannah, we shall have to dine earlier---- - -MISS P. I had some idea of making it a cold meal. - -PIL. Cold meal! A most unpleasant suggestion. Cold food, especially in -the evening, has a tendency to lie heavy on the stom--er--that is, I -see nothing feasible in the notion. - -DOR. Oh no, hang it all, ma'am! Cold stuff ain't the kind of thing to -do a Penny Reading on. - -MISS P. I thought under the circumstances it might be easier for Cook. - -PIL. Eh? - -DOR. What? (_long pause, the men look at her_) - -MISS P. But as you both object---- - -DOR. Hold on, ma'am! - -PIL. One moment, Hannah! - -MISS P. I will explain to Cook. - -PIL. Hannah! Hannah! You're so hasty. - -DOR. Hannah--ma'am--pity to be hasty. - -PIL. If you will permit me to explain myself, Captain Dorvaston? I have -no wish, Hannah, to add weight to Cook's very arduous duties. - -DOR. Hear, hear! (_slaps the table_) - -PIL. (_raising his voice_) And therefore it seems to me--er--unmanly to -lay stress upon possible digestive difficulties which fortitude and a -little pepsin should enable us to face with calmness. Let the meal be a -cold one. (LUCY _has folded up napkin again, and taken "Standard" from -back of chair, and is reading it_) - -DOR. Point of fact, it makes a pleasant change. - -MISS P. But, Audley! - -PIL. The question is decided. We will not pursue the subject. (_pause_) - -DOR. (_to_ LUCY) Anything in the paper? - -LUCY. There's something about the Huntworth Divorce case. - -PIL. We have no wish to hear any news relating to such a matter. - -DOR. But it's an old business, ain't it? When I was at Malta last year, -the chaps used to chat about it at mess. - -LUCY. Lord Huntworth brought the divorce, didn't he? - -PIL. Yes, Lord Huntworth was the petitioner. It was a sad case. - -DOR. I know Bob Carruthers. - -LUCY. Who's he? (_rises and crosses up to_ DORVASTON--_still reading -the paper_) - -DOR. The co---- - -PIL. Tut! tut! - -DOR. Bob was an extraordinary good chap! - -PIL. How can any individual be described as good who has occupied the -position of--er--a co-respondent? - -DOR. Bob managed it. - -PIL. You seem to ignore poor Lord Huntworth. - -DOR. Didn't know Huntworth--did know Bob. He once lent me a monkey when -I wanted it badly--lent it when _he_ wanted it badly. Devilish good -chap! - -PIL. Tut! tut! - -DOR. Beg pardon, sir--slipped out. - -LUCY. Did you know _Lady_ Huntworth, Jack? (_crosses to_ R. _and sits -under tree_) - -DOR. No. Heard she was a nice woman. - -PIL. Nice? - -DOR. So fellahs who met her used to say. - -MISS P. But I always understood the suit was undefended. - -PIL. Entirely undefended. - -DOR. Matrimonial thimblerig is a confusing game to watch. - -PIL. Thimblerig? - -DOR. Three thimbles, don't you know? Husband--wife--and the other chap. -(MR. PILLENGER _looks up_) Well, what I meant to say was, it ain't easy -for the looker-on to say which thimble the fault is under. By-the-bye, -I saw something in the paper about Lady Huntworth the other day. - -PIL. Surely the whole affair is uninteresting and unsavory? - -DOR. Noosance to forget a thing! What was the bit you were reading, -Lucy? - -LUCY. That yesterday the rule was made absolute. What does that mean? - -DOR. Only that the time was up. They keep 'em in blinkers for six -months after the verdict. (DORVASTON _draws napkin through the ring_) -But that wasn't what I read? What the devil was it now? - -PIL. Tut! Really! Really! I think we've all finished, haven't we? -(GANDY _appears with letters, three of which_ MR. PILLENGER _takes, and -two_ MISS PILLENGER) Hannah, you will probably wish to interview Cook. -(DORVASTON _rises, takes chair_ R., _sits and begins to load his pipe_) - -MISS P. I will see her in your presence. (GANDY _has come back to top -of table_) Gandy, will you ask Cook to come to me? I wish to give her -my orders. - -GAN. H'orders? (DORVASTON _fills pipe and lights it_) - -MISS P. Orders. - -GAN. I'll name it to her. (_slowly exits through porch_) - -PIL. (_opening letter, which he holds during the whole scene with_ -COOK) Hannah, I would suggest that whatever you have to say to Cook may -be said calmly and without undue severity. - -MISS P. (_opening letters which she holds during the whole scene with_ -COOK) That should be left to my discretion; a stand must be made -somewhere. - - (CAROLINE _has come out of kitchen during this; she - advances to the table_.) - -CAR. You wished to speak to me? (_the men turn and face her_) - -MISS P. Yes, Cook. I want to give you the orders for to-day's dinner. - -CAR. Certainly! What do you fancy? What would you all like? (_she -glances round, both men beam at her_) - -MISS P. Before we speak of that I have a word to say with regard to the -breakfast. - -CAR. To-morrow's breakfast? - -MISS P. No, to-day's. I am very much astonished and annoyed. - -PIL. Tut, tut! - -CAR. What was wrong with the breakfast? When I sent it out it looked -all right. - -MISS P. Why were my directions disregarded? I ordered the eggs to be -poached--you boiled them; I mentioned fried bacon--none came to table; -I requested you to procure fish--you gave us kidneys. Now what have you -to say? - -CAR. I'm afraid I forgot about the eggs? I haven't any other excuse to -offer. - -PIL. A most reasonable explanation! - -DOR. Things do slip one's memory. (MISS PILLENGER _glares at_ DORVASTON) - -CAR. I didn't cook any bacon; it had got rather low, and I didn't think -the result would please you. - -PIL. Impossible to cut rashers from bacon that is--er--practically -non-existent. - -DOR. Thing no fellah could do! (MISS PILLENGER _glares at him_) - -CAR. I remember you did mention fish, but you've had a good deal of -fish lately, so I thought I'd try you with kidneys. But if there has -been any inconvenience, I'm sorry. - -PIL. There has been no inconvenience. - -DOR. None at all. (MISS PILLENGER _glares at_ DORVASTON) - -PIL. Hannah, I think we may pass (as they say in the House of Commons) -to the orders of the day. - -DOR. Hear, hear! (PILLENGER _looks at him_) - -MISS P. Well, Cook, since you express your regret (DORVASTON _and_ LUCY -_laugh_) I will say no more. Now as to this evening, you will be in -sole charge of the house, (_both men look up_) as I have given Keziah -permission to go to the Penny Reading--so I think we will make it a -cold meal, as that will entail less washing up. - -CAR. Just as you like. - -MISS P. We will begin with salmon. - -CAR. (_reflectively_) Salmon? Yes, you might have salmon. - -MISS P. Pickled salmon. - -CAR. Oh, no, not pickled! (_both men shake their heads_) That would be -a pity! I'll make you a mayonnaise. - -PIL. Delightful! - -DOR. Rippin'! - -CAR. I shall want some lettuces. I'll tell Gandy. - -MISS P. After that we will have two cold ducklings. - -CAR. Ducklings? It's late for ducklings. - -PIL. Maturity in poultry is to be deprecated. - -DOR. Leathery beasts at this time of the year. (MISS PILLENGER _glares -at_ DORVASTON) - -MISS P. Then why not a gosling? - -CAR. It's early for geese. - -DOR. Deuced early! - -PIL. Entirely premature. - -MISS P. When I mentioned a goose I was thinking of Mr. Pillenger. -(DORVASTON _and_ LUCY _laugh_) - -PIL. Tut, tut! Hannah! - -DOR. Hope, ma'am, when you mentioned a duck, you were thinking of _me_. - -MISS P. I fail to understand you. My brother is exceedingly partial to -goose. - -CAR. There's a ham in cut, so I think we'd better fall back on fowls. -It isn't easy to do anything very novel with cold fowls, but if I stuff -and glaze them, I've no doubt they'll pass muster. - -MISS P. But, Cook, I---- - -CAR. You like sweets, of course? - -MISS P. Certainly, you had better make us---- - -CAR. Will you leave the sweets to me? I want to try a new kind of fruit -salad; it's my first attempt, but you'll find it will be all right--and -perhaps I might throw in a shape of jelly--we'll see. - -MISS P. But---- - -CAR. What time will you dine?--at least it isn't dinner--what time will -you sup? - -MISS P. At seven to-night, instead of half-past. - -CAR. Seven! I shall be ready. Is there anything else you wish to say to -me? - -MISS P. No, Cook; I don't suppose anything will be gained by my saying -any more. (_turns away and reads letters_) - -CAR. Very good! (_takes kidney dish off table_, MR. PILLENGER -_assisting her; she crosses_ C.) - -DOR. (_speaking eagerly_) Ah! here's that bit about Lady Huntworth. -(CAROLINE _looks round at him in a startled manner_) It's in the -Agony column. (_reads_) "Will Lady Huntworth communicate with Messrs. -Brampton and Stokes, Capel Court, on a matter of considerable -importance?" - -PIL. Why should we resume the discussion of that disgraceful woman? -(CAROLINE _turns and looks at him_) - -MISS P. Why, indeed? (CAROLINE _looks at her_) - -DOR. (_to_ LUCY) When we were talking just now, couldn't remember where -I'd read that. Hate to forget a thing. - -MISS P. Cook! (CAROLINE _stands thinking quietly_) Cook! - -CAR. I--beg your pardon! - -MISS P. We needn't keep you, if you quite understand about the supper. - -CAR. Oh, quite, thanks! (_exit into kitchen_; DORVASTON _rises, looks -after her_ U. B.) - -MISS P. Don't you think that woman has a very singular manner? - -PIL. Singular! No, she is certainly superior--very superior. - -MISS P. (_rises, crosses_ C.) She is _so_ superior that she seems above -taking my orders. - - (GANDY _comes out during this and continues clearing away. He - places_ MR. PILLENGER'S _chair up_ B. C. _and_ MISS PILLENGER'S - _chair up_ L. _above gate. Folds cloth over tray, and takes it - into the kitchen. Then comes back, folds up table and takes it - away into house before cue, "This is July."_) - -DOR. I wouldn't say that, (_crosses to_ C.), ma'am; she met you half -way over the salmon. (_returns to window._ MISS PILLENGER _goes up with -dignity and enters house through French window_) - -PIL. (_rises, crosses_ C.) Thorsby is late. I expected him to call. - -LUCY. He came early this morning, but he wouldn't wait. - -PIL. Tut, tut! He knows I wished to see him. I have two christenings at -one-thirty, and an interment at three. However, Lucy and--er--Captain -Dorvaston (_crosses and brings_ DORVASTON _down_) as you are together -for once--I will avail myself of the opportunity to say a few serious -words to you both. (DORVASTON _and_ LUCY _look at each other nervously_) - -DOR. Peg away, sir! (LUCY _stands near table_ R. DORVASTON _stands -centre_) - -PIL. I have no wish to appear unduly inquisitive on a subject with -which I have merely an indirect concern (_sits_ R. _of table_) but may -I enquire if you have fixed the time that will make you both--that will -make us all happy? (_puts arm on table and leans back._ LUCY _and_ -DORVASTON _again look at each other_) Has a date been arrived at? - -LUCY. Not precisely. - -DOR. Not to a day or so. - -PIL. Have you settled on the week or the month? - -DOR. No, we haven't got as far as that. But something was said about -the autumn. - -LUCY. The late autumn. - -PIL. (_has been leaning his arm on the table--now sits up and faces -them_) The late autumn! (_sits up_) But last autumn something was said -about the early spring; the question was then relegated to the late -summer. This is July, and where are we? (_he leans back and is about -to rest his arm on table, but_ GANDY _has just removed it, with the -result that he loses his balance and comes on his hand_. DORVASTON -_goes to his assistance_) - -DOR. Allow me, sir! - -PIL. Thank you. I was unaware that Gandy had removed the table. But, to -resume what I was saying--can you give me any definite information? - -DOR. You see, sir, I haven't worried Lucy, because I know girls are apt -to be a bit--a bit---- - -PIL. Well? - -DOR. Noosance! I've lost a word. Girls are apt to be a bit---- - -LUCY. Coy. - -DOR. That's it! Thanks, little woman--a bit coy. (_comes to_ PILLENGER) - -PIL. Coy! (_rises, comes_ C.) Well, the expression hardly seems to me -to convey Lucy's habitual demeanour; but in any case she is of age. -(_to_ LUCY) You were twenty-one last week I think? - -LUCY. Yes, I was. - -PIL. Your small fortune is carefully tied up. - -DOR. Quite right, sir, so it ought to be. - -PIL. Captain Dorvaston (_patting him on the shoulder_) is in a firm -financial position. - -DOR. Pretty fair as things go. - -PIL. Then why any further delay? Why not August? Nice seaside month. My -own thoughts are turning towards Eastbourne. - -DOR. I had an offer from a fellah I know to go halves in a shoot this -August, (_going to_ LUCY) but I wouldn't let that stand in the way, not -for a moment. - -LUCY. Thanks, Jack, (_crosses down_ R. _a little_) - -PIL. Take my advice, let no trivial obstacle intervene between you. Let -there be no postponement or interruption. - -DOR. There shan't be, sir. (CAROLINE _comes out from porch_) - -PIL. That's well! (_they shake hands_) That's well! - -CAR. Gandy! (_both men turn round to her without releasing hands_) - -PIL. Do you want anything, Cook? (_crosses up to her_ L.) - -DOR. Anything I could do? (_they both go up_, DORVASTON _on her_ R.) - -CAR. I wanted Gandy for a second. - -PIL. Certainly. He was here just now. - -DOR. Saw him a minute ago. - -PIL. I'll call him. (_goes_ L.) Gandy! - -DOR. Fancy he went this way. (_goes_ R.) Gandy! - -PIL. Sorry to detain you! Gandy! - -DOR. Noosance having to wait! Gandy! - -CAR. Pray don't bother about it; I only wanted him to pick me some -parsley. - -PIL. No trouble at all. Where _is_ Gandy? - -DOR. What's happened to the beggar? Could I--er--take on the job? - -PIL. Tut, tut! absurd! How should you know the proper way to--er--pick -parsley? - -DOR. Never too old to learn, sir. (_to_ CAROLINE) Where should I be -likely to drop across it? - -CAR. There's a small parsley bed over there (_she points left_) - -DOR. Right-O! (_crosses_ L., _kneels_) - -CAR. But it's really too bad to trouble you. (_crosses_ C. MR. -PILLENGER _goes with_ CAROLINE _on her_ L.) - -DOR. Not a bit! To oblige you I'd pick oakum! (_he kneels and picks -parsley_) - -PIL. I--er--regret--that--er--the absence of Gandy--as to which I shall -require some explanation, should have caused you all this inconvenience. - -CAR. It doesn't signify. Captain Dorvaston is doing the work very -nicely. - -DOR. Fact is I've broken out in a new place. Where shall I put the -pieces? (_holding up parsley_) - -CAR. In this dish. (MR. PILLENGER _takes dish from her, and_ DORVASTON -_snatches it from him--puts parsley in it, and holds it out_) - -DOR. It's very easy when you get into the swing of it. Will that be -enough? - -CAR. Plenty, thanks. - -DOR. There! (_rises, crosses to hand her bowl_; PILLENGER _trying to -get hold of it_) - -CAR. I'm much obliged. - -DOR. Don't you think I should make a good gardener? - -CAR. Capital, I should say. (_crosses to porch_) - -PIL. Tut! tut! (_she goes up stage_) - -DOR. Cook! Cook! (_she turns round_) If I try for the situation will -you give me a character? - -CAR. I'm afraid I haven't one to spare! (_he laughs; she returns to the -kitchen_) - -DOR. (_going up to window, then turns to_ PILLENGER) By George she's a -devilish--er---- - -PIL. Tut! tut! (_up_ L. C.; LUCY _knocks on the table two or three -times to draw their attention_) - -DOR. Just so, sir; but I mean she _is_--don't you know--isn't she? - -PIL. (_crosses down_ L. C.) She is undoubtedly possessed of great -refinement for anyone in her present sphere. - -DOR. Refinement! (_crosses down_ R. C.) - -PIL. We gathered from the Duchess of Sturton that Cook had seen better -days. Her Grace is somewhat vague conversationally; but we understood -as much as that. - -DOR. (_confidentially, he hides_ LUCY _from_ PILLENGER'S _view_) Funny -thing a woman like that should be running loose. Odd she hasn't married -some fellah. - -PIL. It is singular--in fact remarkable. For a certain type of man she -would make--I should say--an admirable wife. - -DOR. Just the wife for a soldier man! - -PIL. Pardon me, I disagree with you. No--she has a quietude, a -dignified reserve--that would fit her to preside over the household -of a staid medical man--or a barrister in fair practice--who was no -longer young--or even--a--a---- (_catches_ DORVASTON'S _eye_) But we're -wasting the morning. (_crosses_ L.) - -LUCY. Don't say that, uncle. (_they both stare at her_) - -PIL. Lucy! (_crosses to top of chair_ R.) - -DOR. Hulloa, little woman! Still there? - -LUCY. Yes, I'm still here. - -DOR. By George, sir, (_crosses and sits on chair facing the others_) -weren't we all chatting over something? - -PIL. I--er--think I was urging you both--to--er---- - -LUCY. You were urging us to name the day--and to avoid any kind of -trivial interruption. (_the men look at each other_) - -PIL. I--believe that is so. - -LUCY. And Jack agreed. - -DOR. Yes. - -LUCY. And I chimed in with the general sentiment. But of course--at the -time--it was impossible to foresee the parsley, (_the two men exchange -glances--she rises_) I'm going down to the village. I punctured a tire -yesterday, and I've got to fetch my bike. - -PIL. I must get to work. I'm late as it is. (_crosses_ C. _looking at -watch_) - -DOR. Make it a ten minutes' sermon, sir, weather's extr'ordinary hot. - -PIL. I beg, Captain Dorvaston, you will spare me any such irreverent -suggestions; and I trust that if you must sleep in a sacred edifice, -you will render your slumber less aggressive. (_moves to French window_) - -LUCY. You do snore, Jack--you nearly drowned the second lesson last -Sunday. - -PIL. (_turning to_ LUCY) _You_ are not blameless. As his future wife, -it is your duty--and--er--privilege--to nudge him. For what purpose has -Heaven given you elbows? (_he goes into house. Slight pause._ DORVASTON -_puts pipe away_. LUCY _crosses up, turns to chair_ R.) - -LUCY. Jack! - -DOR. Yes, little woman? - -LUCY. Do you care for me? - -DOR. 'Course I do! - -LUCY. How much? (_crosses to chair and kneels on it_) - -DOR. How much? (_rises, crosses_ C.) Well, I'm a bad hand at explaining -things. - -LUCY. For instance, would you give up a big thing for my sake? - -DOR. What sort of big thing? - -LUCY. An Empire? - -DOR. Oh, yes. - -LUCY. A peerage? - -DOR. Oh, Lord, yes! - -LUCY. Would you give up--a dish of parsley? - -DOR. (_long puzzled look_) What do you mean? I--don't understand. - -LUCY. You're a humbug! - -DOR. Sorry you think that. - -LUCY. Well, do something to please me. - -DOR. Anything I can. - -LUCY. Fetch me an orchid, (_he looks surprised_) to wear this -evening--there are lots in the orchid house--will you? - -DOR. 'Course I will. - -LUCY. Thanks. (DORVASTON _crosses up_ R. LUCY _crosses_ L. C., _and_ -DORVASTON _crosses down to her_) - -DOR. (_places hands upon_ LUCY'S _shoulder and speaking over her -shoulder_) Little woman! Ever since the time when your dear old dad -first gave us the word of command, I've always had a pretty clear -notion where the word duty came in; so when once you've pulled yourself -together, and named the day, I mean to pull myself together and do my -level damnedest to make you happy. D'you see? (_turns her round_) - -LUCY. (_facing him_) Yes, I see. (_puts hand on his shoulder_) I'm -quite sure you mean all you say, and it's nice of you to say it, and to -mean it. The only thing is, you seem to be entering upon a matrimonial -campaign without any transports. - -DOR. I don't follow. - -LUCY. (_takes him by the lapels of coat_) When I said you were a -humbug, I meant there is one person you are always trying to deceive. - -DOR. Who's that? - -LUCY. Jack Dorvaston! (_he looks bewildered_) Don't you mind what I -say; go and fetch my orchid. (_turns him round and pushes him away. He -pauses, rubs his head reflectively, and at last strolls off_ R. LUCY -_goes over to the tree and sits for a moment in thought. She suddenly -remembers the letter in tree, and jumps on seat to get it._ CAROLINE -_has come out, bringing with her two pudding basins which she places on -the seat under the garden window; she comes down to table_ R. _to take -up the newspaper, she catches sight of_ LUCY _who is trying to get the -letter out of cavity_) - -CAR. (_coming_ C.) Shall I do that? - -LUCY. Oh, Cook, is that you? (_turning quickly_) You startled me. - -CAR. Did I? I'm sorry. - -LUCY. What was it you said? - -CAR. I offered to get your letter for you. I have a longer reach. - -LUCY. What letter? (_jumps down_) - -CAR. The latest one from Mr. Thorsby. - -LUCY. Cook! How dare you? - -CAR. I'm not naturally timid. - -LUCY. You are excessively impertinent. - -CAR. Am I? Very likely. But as that is your opinion, I'll chance a -rather rude question--When are you going to bolt with Mr. Thorsby? - -LUCY. What do you mean? I'm foolish to listen to you at all. I shall go -to my uncle and aunt and tell them what you've just said. (_comes close -to_ COOK, _then wavers and takes a step back_) - -CAR. (_pause_) If I am mistaken about you and Mr. Thorsby, you would be -quite right to tell them. Am I mistaken? (LUCY _tries to brave her, but -her head droops_) Quite so! Then I think I would get the compromising -letter out of the tree and say no more about it--unless you'll let _me_ -do it. (_makes a movement to get letter_) - -LUCY. Oh, no! (_she jumps hastily on seat and gets letter_) There! I -don't care if you _do_ know. Anybody may know after to-morrow. - -CAR. So it's to be to-morrow? - -LUCY. (_jumps down_) Yes, it is. I am bound to trust you--I can't help -myself; so if you choose to give the whole thing away, you can. - -CAR. I shan't do that. On the contrary, I should like to do any little -thing I could to help you. (LUCY _looks in wonder_) - -LUCY. Thank you. (_slight pause; sits_) How did you find -out--about--us? (_looking at_ COOK) - -CAR. (_goes up a step_) Two or three Sundays ago--I was coming home -about ten in the evening--it was my Sunday out--and as I came round the -corner, you and Mr. Thorsby were outside the gate. - -LUCY. Oh! (_her eyes drop_) - -CAR. You were supposed to be spending the evening with your friend Mrs. -Bronson, if you remember? - -LUCY. Yes. - -CAR. You didn't hear me coming and Mr. Thorsby said good-night to you. - -LUCY. Oh! - -CAR. He said it--very thoroughly. - -LUCY. Yes--I believe he did. - -CAR. That was how I found out. - -LUCY. (_after slight pause_) How funny it seems to be talking to you -about it all. What did you think--when you saw--what you saw? - -CAR. I was rather amused. - -LUCY. What did you think of _me_? - -CAR. Need we go into that? - -LUCY. I should like you to say. - -CAR. Well, to tell you the truth, I thought you weren't going quite -straight. - -LUCY. Because of Captain Dorvaston? - -CAR. Yes. - -LUCY. I don't care for Captain Dorvaston--and I do care for Mr. -Thorsby. Surely it's better to marry the man you love? - -CAR. I daresay it would be. I have nothing to say against Mr. -Thorsby--he seems a very pleasant young fellow. I shouldn't think he -would take to drink (LUCY _looks in surprise_) or turn out badly to any -special extent. Of course, one can't tell beforehand. - -LUCY. Cook! (_surprised_) - -CAR. It would be all right if you weren't engaged to another man. - -LUCY. But Jack isn't in love with _me_! (_rises_) - -CAR. You think not? - -LUCY. He likes me, and he wouldn't admit to anybody--certainly not to -himself--that I wasn't all the world to him, and a bit over; but in the -way of _real_ love he doesn't care a rap for _me_. He doesn't care--a -sprig of parsley! (_they look at each other_, COOK _smiles_, _and then_ -LUCY _takes it up_) - -CAR. Ah! that makes a difference. (_slight pause_) Well, I must see to -the mayonnaise. (_she turns and goes up to the seat under the kitchen -window, she begins to break eggs into the basin._ LUCY _goes up to -porch and sits on it, leaning her head against the pillar_) - -LUCY. Do you know, I think you've been trying to be very kind to me? - -CAR. Not at all. - -LUCY. I was wondering--if you would tell me a little--about yourself. - -CAR. Tell you what? - -LUCY. Tell me--about--your life. - -CAR. My life! No. It's waste of time to discuss failures. - -LUCY. You are a riddle--because you are--pardon me--a lady. - -CAR. Well? - -LUCY. And yet--yet--(_looking away_) Who are you? What are you? - -CAR. The Vicar's cook. (_their eyes meet_) You will do me a favor, Miss -Pillenger, if you will leave it at that. - -LUCY. Oh, certainly! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be inquisitive. - - (_Church clock chimes the half-hour._) - -CAR. I'm sure you didn't. - -LUCY. I ought to go down to the village. (_crosses to French window_) - -CAR. (_takes up fork and begins to stir eggs_) Don't let me make you -late for any appointment. (COOK _puts bowl on window_; LUCY _tries to -laugh, and exits through French window_) - - (DORVASTON _enters with large orchid_.) - -DOR. Here you are, little woman,. (_looks for_ LUCY) - -CAR. She has gone down to the village. - -DOR. Hulloa! Are you there, Cook? (_goes to her_) - -CAR. Yes. - -DOR. Doing a bit of al fresco cooking? - -CAR. I'm mixing the mayonnaise. - -DOR. Are you, by George! That's devilish interesting. I suppose, now, -the kitchen's a bit hot for things that go off color. - -CAR. Yes. - -DOR. Eggs, for instance. (_sits_ R. _of_ COOK) I suppose you start with -eggs as a ground plan--and then--and then you beat 'em. I often thought -I should like to beat eggs. (_seriously_) - -CAR. (_rising_) You can beat these; at least, you can stir them, if -you've a fancy that way. I want to baste my two fowls. - -DOR. Oh! (_disappointed, stops stirring_) - -CAR. (_she gives him the basin; pause; rises and turns to porch_) Don't -leave off stirring till I come back. - -DOR. (_beginning to stir_) Not for worlds. (COOK _turns_) But basting -now, basting must be an unusual engrossing branch of the science. -Couldn't I come and watch you baste? - -CAR. (_standing at entrance to porch_) No; go on with the eggs please. -That orchid seems rather in your way. - -DOR. Got it for Lucy to wear to-night. - -CAR. Give it me. - -DOR. Thanks! (_gives it to her_) - -CAR. Tell her I'm taking care of it. (_going_) - -DOR. I say, Cook! - -CAR. (_pausing_) Yes. - -DOR. I want awfully to have a chat with you. (_edging to end of bench_) - -CAR. You're chatting now. (_leans against post and faces_ DORVASTON) - -DOR. Can't talk here--people about--and there's the basting. - -CAR. That's true. - -DOR. You'll be all alone this evening. Don't fancy I shall want much -of the Penny Reading--a ha'porth will be plenty. Thought I'd stroll -back--and _then_, don't you understand? - -CAR. I think I understand _you_, but I'm doubtful if you quite -understand me. I've an idea that what you want to say wouldn't interest -me at all. - -DOR. (_rises_) You're wrong. I don't mean an atom of harm--swear I -don't. What I want to say I would say before anybody--only I'd rather -talk it over quietly. May I come? - -CAR. If you like. - -DOR. Then you believe in me? - -CAR. (_pauses_) Yes, I think I do. What time are you likely to be back? - -DOR. Round about nine thirty. - -CAR. Nine thirty! All right! Don't forget to stir the eggs (_he begins -eagerly_) Very gently. (_enters porch and then kitchen._ DORVASTON -_watches her off and is looking through window, still stirring, when_ -PILLENGER _comes out of French window_) - -PIL. Captain Dorvaston! Captain Dorvaston! Captain Dorvaston! -(DORVASTON _turns to him_) If you are at leisure I should be glad -if---- (_seeing basin and pointing to it_) What is that? - -DOR. Fancy they call it a pudden basin. - -PIL. What are you----? why should you----? - -DOR. I'm stirring the eggs for the mayonnaise. Cook asked me to. - -PIL. Tut, tut! I have received a letter from the lawyers, respecting -the draught copy of your marriage settlement. I gave it to you. May I -ask you to fetch it! - -DOR. Just now, sir? - -PIL. Naturally. Why not? - -DOR. Promised I wouldn't leave off stirring. Look here, sir, if I fetch -the paper, will you go on with the eggs? (_gives him basin--they both -stir--so as not to stop_) - -PIL. Well, rather than cause--er--domestic inconvenience (_takes -basin_) but have the goodness to make haste. The position is not -without embarrassment. - -DOR. I'll look sharp, sir. (_crosses up back_) Don't forget to stir -very gently. - -PIL. The caution is quite superfluous. (_crosses to back of chair_ R.) - - (MISS PILLENGER _comes out followed by_ LUCY; _both - dressed for walking_.) - -DOR. Hulloa, ma'am! Going for a prowl? - -MISS P. Fowl? (_crosses_ C.) - -PIL. Tut, tut! (_conceals the basin behind him_) - -MISS P. (_crossing to him_) You here, Audley? I am accompanying Lucy to -the village. I imagined you were writing your sermon. - -PIL. I have been delayed by--er--unforeseen interruptions (DORVASTON -_tells_ LUCY _about basin; she goes up behind_ PILLENGER _and taps -it_) You are yourself wasting the freshness of the morning. - -MISS P. I thought the moment was opportune for the purchase of your new -socks. - -PIL. Tut, tut! - -MISS P. But you have given me no instructions as to pattern or texture. - -PIL. Both are indifferent to me. I rely on your taste and judgment. - -MISS P. I will go then. (_she moves_ L.; DORVASTON _opens gate and -stands talking to her_; LUCY _laughs_) - -PIL. What is amusing you, Lucy? - -LUCY. I was laughing because---- - -PIL. I have no wish to hear. I object to frivolity. - -LUCY. Do you, uncle? (_crosses_ L.) Wait for me, Auntie. (_turns to_ -DORVASTON) Jack, where's my orchid? - -DOR. Cook is taking care of it. - -LUCY. (_looking at_ PILLENGER) What a treasure Cook is. (_looking at_ -DORVASTON) I wonder what any of us would do without her? (_exit. The -two men face each other for a second_) - -DOR. (_laughs_) Sorry I let you in, sir, (_coming_ C.) but Lucy won't -say anything. I'll be back directly--and, I say, you won't forget to -stir very gently? (_exit off_) - -PIL. (_angrily_) No, I won't! No, I won't! No, I won't! (_crosses; -sits_ R. _of table, stirs violently for a moment, then remembers and -slows down_; COOK _comes out_) - -CAR. Captain Dorvaston! (_sees_ PILLENGER) Is Captain Dorvaston---- -(_he turns round_) Oh, you've got it! (_comes to top of table_) - -PIL. The basin? Yes. I was compelled to interrupt Captain Dorvaston, so -I was endeavoring to supply his place; I fear with poor results. (_puts -paper on seat_) - -CAR. Let me look? (_takes basin, crosses a little_ C.) Thanks. (_she -looks at it_) Oh, no--it's all right. - -PIL. I am relieved to hear it. Still, it probably needs -the--er--hum--the final touch of the artist. (_she turns to go_) You -don't care for--er--compliments? - -CAR. (_looking round_) No! (_coming_ C.) - -PIL. Rather an unkind restriction. - -CAR. A bird of some experience is apt to change its first opinion of -bird-lime. - -PIL. Yes, very true. But compliments that are the expression of honest -and--er--respectful appreciation--what of them? - -CAR. I don't know. I've never met that kind of compliment. If you'll -excuse me, I'll go back to the fowls. (_going up_) - -PIL. (_he follows her between tree and table to porch_) I have no right -to detain you from more congenial society. (_door bell heard_) But I -have something I particularly wish to say to you. (_she looks at him_) -Something I wish to explain. - -CAR. Certainly! What is it? - -PIL. My explanation might--in fact, would occupy some time. (_door bell -heard more violently_) The present moment is obviously ill-chosen for -the purpose. You will be the sole occupant of the house this evening. - -CAR. Shall I? - -PIL. _Every_body--Keziah included--is going to the Penny Reading--even -Gandy has asked permission to visit his aged mother. - -CAR. Has he an aged mother? I didn't know. - -PIL. He doesn't lay much stress on her--she suffers from spasms, and is -a Nonconformist. - -CAR. Well? - -PIL. I thought if I came back early from the Parish room, I could -explain what I--er--wish to explain. (_very violent ring at bell -without interruption_) - -CAR. You would discuss this all-important matter in the kitchen? - -PIL. If you--er--see no objection. - -CAR. It's your kitchen, and your responsibility; but if I were you I -wouldn't explain. - -PIL. Do you prohibit me from doing so? - -CAR. No, come if you like. What time am I to expect you? - -PIL. About nine o'clock. It's a quiet hour, and usually free from -callers. - -CAR. We'll hope it will prove so. Very well--till nine o'clock then. -(_she goes into kitchen--he crosses up to French window at_ COOK'S -_exit, still looking after her, buried in thought_. CRAYLL _comes -through gateway, stands at steps, sees_ PILLENGER _and speaks_) - -CRAY. Mornin'! (PILLENGER _does not hear, so_ CRAYLL _prods him in back -with stick_) Mornin'. - -PIL. Eh! Oh, good morning! (_comes_ C.) - -CRAY. What time's the funeral? - -PILL. Funeral? - -CRAY. Ain't anybody dead? I rang your beastly front door bell till my -arm ached; so I turned it up and came round to the back. - -PIL. My butler--er--my male servant--is rather remiss. But to the best -of my knowledge, he is still alive. - -CRAY. Damn sorry for it. - -PIL. Tut, tut! - -CRAY. What's the matter? - -PIL. I cannot countenance such language. My sacred calling---- - -CRAY. (_looking at him more attentively_) Oh, I see! Didn't know you -were a magpie. Come to think of it, s'pose I passed your place of -business a little way up the road, (_pointing up_ L.) - -PIL. Er--hum--yes. - -CRAY. Oh, well then, I take back the damn. After all, it don't do to -open one's front door too quick. S'pose you thought I was the Water -Rate. (_puts foot on chair, pulls out handkerchief, and dusts boot_) - -PIL. No, sir. - -CRAY. Gas? - -PIL. Certainly not. - -CRAY. Then what the devil did you think? (_dusts other boot_) - -PIL. I had no theory on the subject; and as to your language--I really -must beg---- - -CRAY. Beg? Yes, that's your trade. Same time I'll take back the devil. -We don't often part company. Talking of the devil, did you ever have -D.T.? - -PIL. D.T.? D.T.? If you refer to the "Daily Telegraph," I usually read -the "Standard." - -CRAY. No, no! D.T. Jim-jams! - -PIL. Jim-jams? - -CRAY. Delirium tremens--ever had 'em? - -PIL. Eh? What? Never, sir, never! - -CRAY. Lucky beast! Well, when you _do_ have 'em, you'll know 'em again. -I've had 'em twice. - -PIL. Really! - -CRAY. The last bout was a blazer. A man generally sees snakes, or rats, -or spiders. It was spiders with me. (_makes movement of spider on_ -PILLENGER'S _chest_) - -PIL. Was it indeed? - -CRAY. Yes--fat brutes with as many legs to 'em as an Empire ballet--all -over the walls by day--all over the bed at night. If you lit a candle -you saw 'em--if you didn't you felt 'em. Pah! filthy devils! (_sits -exhausted_) Could I have a whiskey and soda? - -PIL. You haven't mentioned the object of your visit. - -CRAY. Man named Dorvaston hangs out here, don't he? - -PIL. Captain Dorvaston is my guest at present. - -CRAY. Thought so. Promised to look him up. We're goin' to price -a horse--a nailer--risin' thirteen--and well up to Dorvaston's -weight--which is sayin' somethin'. - -PIL. Captain Dorvaston's physique is substantial. - -CRAY. If he stood on your foot, I expect you'd ask him to move. - -PIL. Probably! - -CRAY. He's goin' to be somethin' to you by marriage, ain't he? - -PIL. He is affianced to my niece. - -CRAY. Hope he'll like it. (_takes cigar out of case_) - -PIL. Why should he not, sir? - -CRAY. I daresay you stick up for marriage--double blessedness and all -that kind of muck. (_biting end of cigar_) - -PIL. I regard the married state as best calculated to confer the -greatest happiness that--er--the---- - -CRAY. Have you ever bin married? (_looking up at him_) - -PIL. No. - -CRAY. (_lights cigar_) I thought not. You beggars are always jawin' -about what you don't understand. You've never had D.T., but that -wouldn't stop you preaching about drink. You've never bin married, and -yet you get up in the pulpit and talk about Hell as if you knew the -country. - -PIL. May I ask, Mr.--er---- - -CRAY. Crayll. - -PIL. May I enquire, Mr. Crayll, if _you_ are married? - -CRAY. (_blows out light and smiles_) Not at present. - - (DORVASTON _comes out_.) - -PIL. Ah! Here is Captain Dorvaston. - -DOR. (_coming to_ PILLENGER C.) There's the paper you wanted, sir. It -took a bit of finding. Keziah cleaned my room out yesterday. (_gives it -to him_) Hulloa, Crayll! (_slaps him on back and crosses_ L.) - -CRAY. Hulloa! (_rises_) - -PIL. (_to_ DORVASTON) Now you have come, I will ask Mr. Crayll to -excuse me. - -CRAY. Don't name it. (_crosses to_ L.) Dorvaston will see to me. I -daresay he knows where the whiskey's kept. (DORVASTON _laughs and goes -up a step or two with_ PILLENGER) - -PIL. (_aside_) Surely a most offensive person. (_crosses up_) - -DOR. He's all right, sir. He takes a bit of knowing. (PILLENGER _goes -into the house_) - -CRAY. Now, for the Lord's sake get me a drop of whiskey to wash the -parson out of my mouth. - -DOR. (C.) Whiskey it is! Take potash with it? - -CRAY. A little potash. (_crosses_ R.) - -DOR. Right-O! Have a look at "Sporting Life"? - -CRAY. What d'ye fancy for the Leger? - -DOR. Centipede! It's a dead snip. You should have a bit on it. - -CRAY. No, thank ye. Don't like the name--it's too spidery. (DORVASTON -_goes up to kitchen window unseen by_ CRAYLL. CRAYLL _crosses behind -chair, gets "Sporting Life," comes round_ L. _of table, puts hat on -ground, stick behind him, and starts to read paper_) - -DOR. Cook! Cook! (_at window_ COOK _appears_) - -CAR. Yes? - -DOR. Fact is, friend of mine has just turned up, and he's unusual -thirsty. Would you bring him out a whiskey and potash? - -CAR. Certainly. - -DOR. Very kind of you--extr'ordinary kind. - -CAR. Not at all. (_she disappears from window._ DORVASTON _goes back -to_ CRAYLL) - -DOR. Look here, I'll run up and put another coat on, and then we'll -start. - -CRAY. How about the whiskey? - -DOR. It'll be here directly. (_exits through French window_) - -CRAY. Thank ye. (_he resumes the newspaper_; COOK _comes to table_ R. -_with small tray containing whiskey, etc.; she brings it down to small -table, and speaks before putting the tray down_) - -CAR. Whiskey and potash! - -CRAY. All right! (_he puts down cigar on tray and turns slowly, the -paper falls. They face each other in mutual astonishment_) - -CRAY. Goodness a'mighty! (_slight pause_) Is that you? (_she is -silent_) Is that you? (_speaking louder_) - -CAR. Yes--what then? - -CRAY. Phew! (_wipes his forehead_) When I saw you standin' there, -dressed like that, I thought I'd got 'em again. Damned if I didn't. - -CAR. Why? - -CRAY. Why, who'd expect to see Lady Huntworth masqueradin' as a cook. - -CAR. I'm not Lady Huntworth any longer. Surely Lord Huntworth is the -last person who should need the reminder. - -CRAY. I'm not Lord Huntworth down here. My name's Crayll for the -present. - -CAR. Really? - -CRAY. I'm keepin' out of the way--for--reasons. - -CAR. The local police don't strike me as being very shrewd. - -CRAY. Police! What d'you mean? It's duns I'm hidin' from. - -CAR. Duns! - -CRAY. It's debt--it ain't crime. - -CAR. Ah! not yet. Well, good-day, Mr. Crayll. I must go back to my -cooking. (_crosses up_) - -CRAY. Here, hold on. Damn it, don't be in such a hurry. (_crosses down_ -C.) I want to talk to you. - -CAR. I have to baste the fowls. - -CRAY. Curse the beastly fowls. I must see you alone for half-an-hour, -d'you hear? - -CAR. I hear. - -CRAY. It's infernal important. Will you meet me to-night? - -CAR. No. - -CRAY. Why not? What are you afraid of? - -CAR. I'm not afraid of _you_. I think you know that. - -CRAY. That long fool will be back in a minute. You'll see me somehow -to-night, because--you've damned well got to--d'you understand? - -CAR. I haven't the smallest notion why you want to see me, but since -fate has played me a final dirty trick by throwing us together again, -perhaps we _had_ better understand each other. So you can come here -this evening for half-an-hour. I shall be alone. You had better tap at -the window. - -CRAY. That'll do--I'll come. - -CAR. What time shall I have the honor? - -CRAY. I'll get here about nine. - -CAR. (_smiling_) Nine! You must make it earlier than that. I expect I -shall be rather busy about nine. - -CRAY. Eight-thirty then. - -CAR. Yes, that would suit me. (_crosses to porch and then stops_) - -CRAY. (_turns and sees she is in hesitation_) Is there anything else? - -CAR. (_crosses down_ C. _to him_) As you seem to want to talk about -something important you might break through a rule for once--and turn -up in a possible condition. - -CRAY. Not come drunk--is that what you mean? - -CAR. No, I don't want to be unreasonable. At that time in the evening -you are certain to be drunk,--but try not to be _too_ drunk to be -coherent. I'll expect you at eight-thirty. (_she goes up stage, stands -at kitchen window; after she has gone_ CRAYLL _picks up cigar from tray -and draws at it, finding it out he throws it down violently and swears. -He then pours out whiskey and drinks._ DORVASTON _comes out dressed for -walking_) - -DOR. Ready, old chap? (CRAYLL _half chokes_) - -CRAY. In half-a-minute. (_drinks more whiskey_) - -DOR. (_speaking across to_ COOK) Ah! Cook! friend and I are going for a -stroll. - -CAR. It's a pleasant day for walking. - -DOR. How is our mayonnaise coming on? (CRAYLL _looks up on hearing -this_) - -CAR. Very well, I think. - -DOR. That's all right! (_to_ CRAYLL, _who has been listening vacantly_) -Shall we get along? - -CRAY. Yes. (DORVASTON _goes out at the gate_; CRAYLL _puts hat on, -takes stick, rises, crosses_ L. C., _and looks back. As he does so_, -COOK _turns and looks at him_) Goodness A'mighty. (_he then goes out at -gate_) - - (_After he has gone_ COOK _comes down to the rustic table - and takes up "Standard."_) - -CAR. (_reads_) "Will Lady Huntworth communicate with Brampton and -Stokes, Capel-Court, on a matter of considerable importance?" (_she -stands in thought for a moment, then turns and goes up, reading the -paper as she goes_) - - CURTAIN. - - - - -ACT II. - - SCENE.--_The Vicarage kitchen, according to plan._ - - TIME.--_Evening._ - - (_As curtain rises_ COOK _takes salmon to larder_ R. U. E. _and - returns to table down_ L. _with fruit salad_; GANDY _enters with - butler's tray; crosses to_ R. _of table_; KEZIAH _enters and - takes ham to larder and returns to dresser_.) - - -GAN. Sweets, Cook! - -CAR. Quite ready! (_clearing tray of chicken dish and plates_) They -seem to have taken very kindly to the stuffed fowls. - -GAN. Oh, horful! There's 'ardly a gizzard left for hus to make a supper -of. Dorvaston's the worst. - -KEZ. (_at dresser_) Oh, and master too. (_takes plates_) I thought he'd -'ave bust 'imself--I did reelly. (_crosses to top of_ GANDY, _places -plates on butler's tray_) - -GAN. They told me to look sharp. It's wonderful they don't want a rest. -(CAROLINE _holds up dish of fruit salad_; GANDY _takes dish in both -hands admiringly; then lets_ COOK _put it on tray_) So that's it, Cook? -It looks lovely. - -CAR. Glad you like it. - -GAN. (_takes up tray_) It ain't no good _me_ likin' it, I shan't get -none--they'll see to that. (_moves to_ R. KEZIAH _moves to follow him_) -Keziah, don't you come. You'll never wait at table--your mind can't -rise above 'anding bread when nobody wants it. (_she returns to top of -table; he carries tray to door_ R., _then pauses_) It _do_ look lovely. -Let's pray to 'eaven they don't eat it all. (_he goes out_; COOK -_crosses to larder with chicken and back round top down to_ L.) - -KEZ. (_at top of table clearing_) Gandy's a bit narked to-night. (_rubs -knives with a piece of rag_) When there's a bit of anythink extra for -supper, 'e does grodge it to 'em, don't 'e? Now with me it's, as you -may say, different. If any trifle takes me fancy--such as a breast of -chicken--or what not--while it's bein' carved I simply turn me 'ead -away. - -CAR. (L. _of table arranging plates_) Take these plates into the -scullery. - -KEZ. Yus, Cook. Not as it always answers. (COOK _crosses to larder with -salad dish_) I wes 'anding that sauce stuff--I forgot what you call it, -Cook---- - -CAR. Mayonnaise. (_at larder; crosses back to_ L. _of table and begins -to put radishes in bowl into glass dish_) - -KEZ. Yus, Cook, that was it--in a butter boat. Well, I was 'anding it -to old Madam as the Captain cut himself off--oh, such a slice of 'am--I -dote on 'am, I do, reelly. Well, I had to shet me eyes, and just then -Gandy hustled me with 'is elbow, and me wrist turned, as you may say, -sudden like, and I upset the myanneasy on to milady's gown. She did -talk to me a treat. (_takes fish plates to scullery_; GANDY _enters -hastily, stands_ C.) - -GAN. Now then, Keziah, one claret glass short. That's your silly fault. -(KEZIAH _crosses to dresser, gets glass and hands it to_ GANDY R.; -_then returns to dresser for plates_) - -CAR. Do they seem to fancy the fruit salad? - -GAN. Fancy it! Dorvaston and the governor are both in their second -'elpings. It's 'ideous to see 'em--'ideaous! - -KEZ. (_at dresser_) I shall be awful late with me washin' up. (_crosses -to window with plates_) I shall miss a good 'alf of it. - -CAR. (_crosses to larder for cheese_) I'll wash the glass and silver -for you. - -KEZ. (_crosses to top of table and takes chicken plates to scullery, -leaving four forks on table_) That's wonderful good of you, Cook; it is -reelly. D'you know I'm in two minds which 'at to wear. - -CAR. Are you? (_crosses from larder to table_ R. _with cheese, places -it at top of table_) - -KEZ. (_fingering top of chair_ L.) The straw's tasty; but the large 'at -with the flowers is more dressy like. - -CAR. I wouldn't wear the large one with the flowers. (_returning to -larder for butter_) - -KEZ. Wouldn't you now? - -CAR. (_stops on her way to larder_ C.) It might have been made in the -Old Kent Road. - -KEZ. Might it, now? Is that in London? (_sits_ L.) - -CAR. Yes. (_crosses to_ R. _of table with butter, and stands at the -head_) - -KEZ. At the shop where I bought it, they told me as it was copied from -a London pattern, so I dessay you're right, Cook. Well, I could wear -the straw, but--(GANDY _enters with tray_--KEZIAH _rises, crosses to -window ledge for cheese plates_) - -GAN. (_speaking sadly_) Now then, cheese--cheese. (COOK _is at top of -table clearing butler's tray_) - -CAR. I see they've finished the fruit salad. - -GAN. Finished it! Of course they've finished it. It's 'eartbreakin'. -Put the dish away, and let me try to forget it. - -KEZ. (_comes down to table_ L.) 'As the Governor still bin goin' it? -(_putting cheese plates on butler's tray_; COOK _places cheese and -butter on butler's tray_) - -GAN. I should think 'e 'ad. Ah! and it will pay 'im out. This night's -work'll lie 'eavy on 'im. I know 'is constitooshon. Ready, Cook! A bit -of that cheddar all round ought to just settle 'em. (COOK _takes fruit -dish to larder_, KEZIAH _crosses to top of table, and puts radishes on -butler's tray_. GANDY _hurries out_.) - -KEZ. As I was sayin', Cook, (_calls_) as I was sayin' I could wear the -straw, only I'm wishful to look me best, cos the young gentleman as I'm -walkin' out with at present'll be there. - -CAR. Oh! (_crosses to_ R. _of table, takes cloth out of drawer, and -back to_ C.) - -KEZ. We shan't be able to sit together, cos of old Madam--"I don't -allow no followers," she said when I come after the place--"I don't -allow no followers"--You know 'er sniffy way? (KEZIAH _takes plates to -scullery, leaving spoons on table_) - -CAR. (_puts cloth on table, crosses to mantel and gets matches off -bracket_) What does your young gentleman do when he isn't following? - -KEZ. Didn't I tell you? (_comes back to table_) 'E's at Bilkins, (_sits -on table_ R.) the pork butchers. You remember that pound of sausages -that came from me aunt at Cambridge? (COOK _nods_) That was 'im--'e -began with sausages--(COOK _lights gas over stove_ L.) next comes along -a photograph frame, last week _pig's feet_ and a _shell pin-cushion_. -'E's free 'anded, as you may say. - -CAR. He must be. (_crosses to_ R.) - -KEZ. Won't you be feelin' lonesome (COOK _lights gas_ R. _and leaves -match-box on dresser_) this evenin'? All of us out--and Gandy goin' to -see 'is mother. She lives two stations down the line and used to take -in washin'. - -CAR. No, I don't fancy I shall feel lonesome. - -KEZ. I'll (_jumps off table, comes round and sits on chair_ R. _and -gets book out of drawer_) lend you my girl's "Special Monthly Journal." -There's a most _interestin'_ tale in this number. It's in 'ere. There's -an _'url_ and 'e goes ridin' through a wood and 'e's all dressed up in -armour, you know--just like the dish covers. (COOK _crosses to window, -gets knife basket and comes down to top of table_) I say, Cook, when -you lived in London did _you_ ever see any 'urls? - -CAR. One or two. - -KEZ. And do they dress themselves up like that? - -CAR. Not as a rule. (_cleaning spoons and putting them in basket_) - -KEZ. My word, I wish I'd bin born a toff! They must find life come easy. - -CAR. (_at top of table_) Not always. Trouble is like a postman--sooner -or later he knocks at _every_ door. - -KEZ. Why, they can eat and drink just what they like. - -CAR. No. After a time their doctors have a word to say. - -KEZ. And they can wear just what suits 'em. - -CAR. They wear whatever their dressmakers and tailors tell them to -wear--whether it suits them or not. It generally doesn't. - -KEZ. Any'ow they don't 'ave to pay for their breakages. - -CAR. In the long run they pay just as heavily for their breakages as -you do for yours. (_crosses and replaces basket on window ledge and -comes down_ L.) - -KEZ. My word! Think of that now! (GANDY _enters and puts down tray on -table_; KEZIAH _jumps up and crosses to head of table_) - -GAN. That's over. (_sits_) I'm fair sick of it. The governor is rushin' -on to 'is fate. (COOK _takes off the bread, cheese and glasses and -puts them on lower end of table_; KEZIAH _takes up cheese plates, -knives, butter and radish dish, leaving the syphon, decanter of whiskey -and one glass till the last_) Took radishes with 'is cheese. (KEZIAH -_looks horrified_) Keziah, I have brought out the Captain's whiskey and -syphon--I shan't be 'ere to-night, so you must take 'em up to 'is room -the last thing, d'ye 'ear? - -KEZ. I 'ear. (_she takes whiskey, soda, and glass to window ledge_) - -GAN. I've done most of the clearin' away. (COOK _takes cheese to -larder_) - -CAR. (_to_ KEZIAH) Bring me the bowl, Keziah, and then you can put your -things on. (KEZIAH _crosses to table, takes butler's tray and places -it against wall above meat jack, then goes to scullery for bowl. To_ -GANDY, _coming out of larder and crossing_ L.) Will you have your -supper now? (KEZIAH _brings hot water to top of table; then takes glass -radish dish and butter dish into larder_) - -GAN. No, thank'ee. They've put me off it. I shall try to pick a bit by -and bye when I get to mother's. - -CAR. (_to_ GANDY) Is your mother a good cook? (L. _of table_) - -GAN. No, she ain't; far from it! 'Er jints are flabby, and 'er pie -crust is h'ashfelt. - -KEZ. (_coming out of larder_) Is there anything more, Cook, as I can do? - -CAR. No, thanks. (COOK _takes plates into scullery_) - -KEZ. Good night, Gandy. (_crosses to door_ R.) - -GAN. Not so much Gandy! _Mr._ Gandy would do you more credit, and might -lead to a cap ribbon at Christmas. (COOK _comes out of scullery, takes -large radish bowl and re-enters scullery_) It's 'ard on a respectable -man to mix with such riff-raff. - -KEZ. Riff-raff your own self. Why, for two pins--I'd---- - -CAR. Keziah! (_at scullery door, crosses_ L. _again_) - -KEZ. (_meekly_) Yus, Cook! (C.) - -CAR. Go and dress. - -KEZ. Yus, Cook; I'm sorry as I spoke hasty before you. - -CAR. Very well, go along; you'll be late. - -KEZ. Yus, Cook. (_she goes quietly to door_ R., _then turns and speaks -very respectfully_) Good-night, Mr. Gandy. (_she then goes out_) - -GAN. (COOK _takes bread to larder top way and returns round top_ L.) -That's the worst of domestic service--one 'as to put up with the cheek -of h'underlings. It ain't a fit life for such as h'us--we're a good -many cuts above it. (_he rises_) Well, Cook, I shall 'ave to change my -coat, so if you will excuse me---- - -CAR. Certainly! (_washing glasses_) - -GAN. But before I go to-night, I should like 'alf a word with you about -a little matter which 'as bin floatin' on the top of my mind for this -month past. - -CAR. Won't it keep? - -GAN. No, it won't--not if you was to put it in the refrigerator. - -CAR. People change their minds sometimes. - -GAN. I shan't change my mind. - -CAR. Well, change your coat, or you'll miss your train. (_he moves -towards the door, as he does so_ LUCY _enters dressed for the evening, -but with cloak on_) - -LUCY. Cook! I've come for my orchid. (_crosses to_ C.) - -CAR. I'll fetch it. (_crosses to window_; LUCY _crosses to chair_ R. -_of table_) - -LUCY. Gandy, I thought you were going to see your mother to-night. - -GAN. So I h'am, miss--I am just h'off. (_goes out_ R.) - -CAR. Here it is. (_crosses down_ R. _of_ LUCY) - -LUCY. Thanks! - -CAR. Shall I pin it in? - -LUCY. Thanks! (COOK _arranges the flower_) - -CAR. What time to-morrow do you take the plunge? - -LUCY. Oh, quite early in the morning, before anybody is up. Mr. Thorsby -will fetch me. - -CAR. I see. - -LUCY. Why did you want to know? - -CAR. So that I should think of you and wish you luck. - -LUCY. I don't see what reason you have to wish me luck. - -CAR. You're a nice child--and I was always fond of children. - - (DORVASTON _comes in--he is in evening dress with light overcoat - and carries a small music-case--he doesn't see_ LUCY _at first_.) - -DOR. I say, Cook, I--ah! (COOK _backs and he sees_ LUCY) I--hulloa, -Lucy! - -LUCY. Well, Jack, what do _you_ want? (COOK _retires round top of table -down_ L. _and resumes her glass-washing_) - -DOR. I--ah--I--wanted--to--er--(_seeing orchid_) Of course, I came to -fetch your orchid. - -LUCY. You needn't have troubled. (_looks at_ COOK) I fetched it myself. - -DOR. Didn't know, don't you know! - -LUCY. Have you got my music? - -DOR. Got it here. (_showing music-case_) - -LUCY. That's right. Is Auntie ready? - -DOR. Fancy she's waiting in the hall. (_crosses to_ R.) - -LUCY. Oh! then I must go. (_crosses to_ R.) Good-night, Cook. Thanks -for taking care of the flower. - -CAR. Not at all! Good-night! - -LUCY. (_turning at door_) Are you coming, Jack? - -DOR. In a second. Thought perhaps Cook would give me a light. (_takes -out cigar case_) - -LUCY. Very well, we'll go on. You can catch us up. You needn't hurry. -(_she goes out door_ R.) - -DOR. (_holding cigar_) May I? - -CAR. There's a box of matches on the dresser. (DORVASTON _crosses to -dresser for matches, lights his cigar. She washes glass and silver_) - -DOR. (_crosses to top of table_) This is a devilish snug kitchen. D'you -know, I'd much rather stop here--and watch you doing--whatever you are -doing--what _are_ you doing? - -CAR. Washing up. (_washing glasses_) - -DOR. Are you, by George? Washing up, now. How is that generally done? -(_at top of table_) - -CAR. With water and a tea-cloth. - -DOR. It must be an awful fag. When it comes to work, seems to me you -women beat us hollow. - -CAR. You have your drill--and parade--and fighting, too, in these days. - -DOR. Fighting ain't work--it's fun. - -CAR. Each to his trade! I prefer cooking and washing up. (_they both -laugh_) Oughtn't you to go? - -DOR. Yes, I'll get along. I say, you haven't forgotten--nine-thirty? - -CAR. No, but I was hoping you had. - -DOR. Upon my soul, what I want to say won't take ten minutes. Hulloa! -cigar's out. I'll just light up again, you don't mind? (_he goes to -dresser for matches._ PILLENGER _looks in at window_) - -PIL. Cook! - -CAR. Yes! - -PIL. I just wished to say one word. (_he comes in at the back door_) I -wish (_closes door, takes off hat, and sees_ DORVASTON, _who has turned -at the moment_) Tut!--dear me! - -DOR. Hulloa, sir! - -PIL. I imagined you had accompanied my sister and Lucy. They have -started. - -DOR. Came in here to fetch the orchid! - -PIL. What orchid? - -DOR. The orchid--and I hadn't a match--and Lucy had got it already, -don't you see--so Cook gave me one--and--that's how it was, don't you -know. - -PIL. Cook gave you an orchid? - -DOR. No, a light. - -PIL. Then why allude to an orchid? However, it is quite immaterial. - -CAR. You said you wished to speak to me, Mr. Pillenger! - -PIL. (_coming a little to her_) I desired to express my approval--my -warm approval--of the excellent meal you gave us this evening; but I -fear I have not sufficient time to do justice to the theme. - -DOR. (R.) By George, sir, you did justice to the fruit salad? - -PIL. Very possibly, Captain Dorvaston, but I may remind you that your -own appreciation assumed a very practical form. - -CAR. Won't you both be rather late? (_they both look at each other and -then go up to the door_) - -PIL. (_turning at garden door_) I fear we shall. I may have to return -early--I am conscious of the approach of a headache. - -DOR. Deuced odd thing! I feel a bit off colour--doubt if I shall manage -to see it through. - -PIL. Tut, tut! you look singularly well! Merely fancy, I'm sure. -(_opens door_) Good-night, Cook! - -CAR. Good-night! (PILLENGER _goes out at back door_) - -DOR. (_following_) Good-night, Cook! - -CAR. Good-night! - -DOR. (_turning at door and speaking in whisper_) Nine-thirty! (COOK -_nods--he goes out. After a second_ MR. PILLENGER _puts his head in at -the window_) - -PIL. Cook! you remember our appointment? Nine o'clock. - -DOR. (_in the distance_) Are you coming, sir? - -PIL. (_to_ DORVASTON) Yes--in one moment! (_to_ COOK) Nine! you quite -understand? - -CAR. (_calmly_) Quite! - -PIL. Thank you. I thought I would just recall it to your memory. I'm -coming, Captain Dorvaston! (_he goes_; COOK _continues her work_; GANDY -_enters_ R., _is crossing to door, stops, comes to top of table_ R.; -_he has changed his dress and carries a small hand-bag; he puts this -down and his hat, and hastily consults silver watch_) - -GAN. Cook, I'm a leetle pressed for time--but I find I've just got -three minutes and a 'alf to waste. - -CAR. Well, what is it? (_washing glasses_ L.) - -GAN. I'll come straight to the pint. I've saved money--I'm sick of -service, and I want to settle down. I know of a eatin' 'ouse to be -'ad--good situation--terms moderate--part cash down--remainder in -monthly instalments. Will you marry me and take over the kitchen -department? - -CAR. No. - -GAN. (COOK _crosses to oven and kneels and opens it_) Don't be 'asty -now. We should crush all local competition. Think it over careful. -(_looks at his watch again_) I can give you a minute and a 'alf. I'm a -staid respectable man, and I want a staid respectable wife. - -CAR. (_kneeling at oven_ L., _looks over her shoulder_) And do I strike -you in that light? - -GAN. You do. - -CAR. That is a very unexpected compliment. (_rises, places cake on -table_ L.) - -GAN. (_comes down to chair_ R.) Yes, Cook; since I met you I've come -to see there's things in life as I didn't suspect. (COOK _stops -work_) You've showed me the superiority of braized beef over biled -beef--you've rewealed the difference between 'aricot and 'ash--before -you came apple fritters was to me a mere flash in the frying pan. -(_suddenly stopping and looking at his watch_) Now I wouldn't 'urry -you, but time's on the move. 'Ow's it to be? - -CAR. It's to be no! - -GAN. Oh! - -CAR. I wish the eating-house every success, but I don't intend to marry. - -GAN. But couldn't you----? - -CAR. No, I couldn't. Don't miss your train. - -GAN. Well, (_takes up bag and hat_) it's a disappointment, but if you -say it's to be like that---- - -CAR. It's to be like that. (_she resumes her work_) Good-night. - -GAN. (_goes slowly up stage, pauses, turns--is about to speak, thinks -better of it_) Good-night. (_he goes out at back door._ COOK _takes -cake to larder, and then crosses back to window, brings glass tray -down to top of table and puts glasses on it_. KEZIAH _rushes in after -a slight pause, hastily dressed for walking, with large hat trimmed -lavishly with flowers_) - -KEZ. Ready at last, Cook! I'm always a cow's tail, ain't I? Thought I -should never get into this dress. Miss Fletcher sent it 'ome so tight, -I can't 'ardly bear myself, and no 'ook and eye at the neck, if you -please. (_crosses to_ COOK) Lend us a pin, there's a dear! (COOK _gives -her one, and stands watching her_) Thanks! (_crosses to looking-glass -on wall_, R. U. E., _and fastens her collar with pin_.) I'll talk to -me lady when I pay 'er. (_turning sees_ COOK _looking at her_) You're -looking at the 'at? Yus, I 'ad to wear the big one, the straw didn't go -with this dress, (_comes_ C.) It made me look almost common like. Well, -I must step it. (_goes up_) - -CAR. You've forgotten your gloves. - -KEZ. Got 'em in my pocket--can't put 'em on yet--me hands is too 'ot. -Am I all right at the back? This skirt seems to kick up. (_turns her -back to_ COOK, _and kicks her foot up at the same time at back, looking -over shoulder_) - -CAR. Not more than it does in front. - -KEZ. That's a blessing. (_opens door_) 'Arry war! (_she goes, leaving -back door open._ COOK _takes glass tray to window, crosses and shuts -door_ R.; _crosses and takes bowl to scullery, pours out water and -wipes her hands, gets plate basket (chimes strike three-quarters) comes -down_ L., _puts spoons in basket, crosses to_ R. _and exit. There is -a slight pause, then_ CRAYLL _looks in at window, he taps twice, then -whistles softly--there is another slight pause, then_ COOK _comes back -and crosses_ C.) - -CRAY. (_at window_) Oh! there you are! Anybody about? - -CAR. No. Come in, the door is open. (_crosses to_ L., _he enters_) - -CRAY. Well, I've got here. (_he stands leaning against the door_) - -CAR. So I see. - -CRAY. There's a beast of a dog somewhere on the premises, ain't there? - -CAR. Yes, but he's chained up, and he's rather particular about his -food; you needn't be nervous. (CRAYLL _slams door and crosses_ C.) - -CRAY. (_looking round kitchen_) And these are your quarters, are they? -You've brought your pigs to a nice market. (_she is silent_) Well? - -CAR. Well? - -CRAY. Why don't you speak? - -CAR. I was waiting for you to begin. - -CRAY. Don't you feel the damned degradation of your position? - -CAR. No. You seem to forget I was your wife for nearly ten years. - -CRAY. Ah! Have you any whiskey? - -CAR. No! - -CRAY. (_seeing decanter on slab in window_) Why, what's this? - -CAR. That belongs to Captain Dorvaston. - -CRAY. That's all right. (_crosses to window_) He knows me. He won't -mind. (COOK _sits_ L. CRAY _stands at window with whiskey, syphon, and -glass in hand_) A cook! That's what beats me. Why a cook? - -CAR. It was an experiment. - -CRAY. If you were broke (_comes to top of table and pours out whiskey_) -why didn't you try the stage? The divorce would have given you a leg up. - -CAR. How did you find me out? - -CRAY. Accident! (_takes a drink and crosses_ C.) I came down here -because I thought your pal the Duchess might give me the straight tip -as to your whereabouts. My spottin' you was a bit of luck. - -CAR. You must be very hard up? - -CRAY. Oh! it's bin a rotten season! Nothin's paid me. Had some big -stable information for Doncaster week--that didn't pay me, couldn't -even win place money. Tried the Stock Exchange; damned if that paid -me--jumped in at the top of the market, crawled out at the bottom. -(_crosses to chair_) Then there was the trial---- - -CAR. Ah! I suppose the law expenses were heavy? - -CRAY. Oh, devilish! - -CAR. Bribing the servants must have been rather a serious item! - -CRAY. What d'ye mean? - -CAR. That was a most elaborate story my maid Thompson told the -jury--Thompson was not very intelligent. It must have involved a great -deal of careful rehearsal. - -CRAY. We needn't go into all that. (_puts glass on table_) - -CAR. You are astonished to find me here. What did you think I should do? - -CRAY. Thought you were with Carruthers. - -CAR. No, you didn't. (_he looks at her, tries to brave it out, but -his eyes fall_) You had been dangling your title before the eyes of a -certain rich widow, but I see by the papers (_he pours out whiskey_) -she has slipped through those shaking fingers of yours and is going to -marry another man. - -CRAY. (_taking up glass nervously and drinking_) Yes; women are damned -shifty. - -CAR. Your notion didn't come off, but that was why you trumped up your -case against me, knowing it was all a lie. - -CRAY. You didn't deny it? - -CAR. No. - -CRAY. Neither did he? - -CAR. No. Bob is a good fellow--and a good friend. He helped me. - -CRAY. Helped you to cheat the law! - -CAR. Helped me to cheat the law that ties a woman to such a man as you. - -CRAY. That was the game, was it? - -CAR. Why did you want to find me out? By the way, (_crosses to window -and brings down "Standard" to top of table_), has that anything to do -with it? - -CRAY. How do you mean? - -CAR. (_watching him closely_) To-day's "Standard." There's a little -advertisement in the agony column. - -CRAY. I--can't see--light's bad. Read it out! - -CAR. (_crosses to gas_ L., _takes paper and reads_) "Will Lady -Huntworth communicate with Messrs. Brampton and Stokes, Capel-Court, on -a matter of considerable importance?" (_crosses to_ L. _of table and -throws paper down_) Did you know of that? - -CRAY. No. Who are Brampton and Stokes? Never heard of 'em. - -CAR. (_leaning over table with one hand on it for support_) Then why -have you been hunting me up? I hadn't a shilling--you saw to that. - -CRAY. (_after slight pause, makes to touch her hand_) I wanted you -to--come--back. - -CAR. What? - -CRAY. I'm willin'--to bury the past. (COOK _looks at him_) Well, I tell -you, I want to bury the past. - -CAR. (_pause, she puts hand on chair_) Before we talk of burying the -past, I should like you to look down into the still open grave---- - -CRAY. (_shudders_) Filthy way of talkin'! - -CAR. (_sits_ L.) When I married you I was thirty--quite old enough to -know better! but I'd spent my youth in nursing my father. When he died -I inherited a fortune--and my freedom--without much notion what to do -with either. That was a bad year for me. I lost my father and I found -you. (CRAYLL _scowls at her_) I don't know what crime I had committed -that fate should sentence me to ten years' penal servitude. But my -father had wished it and so did your mother. You had been a little -wild, they said, but all you needed was gentle guidance. I believed -them, but my gentle guidance that was to work miracles generally -took the shape of helping you up to bed in the small hours, when the -difficulty of adjusting the latchkey had been overcome. - -CRAY. Look here, it 'pears to me you're trying to be 'fensive. - -CAR. That was my life for ten years. The dregs of your fortune and the -whole of mine gradually melted away--in cards--(_he pours out drink_) -racing, drink--and a few extra establishments. - -CRAY. You never grumbled about th' extra 'stablishments. - -CAR. (_rises in disgust_) Oh, no! I only mention them now--to fill -up the picture of our home life. With regard to your gambling and -drunkenness I was sorry for myself, but in the matter of your -infidelities I was sorry for the other women. - -CRAY. Your language's 'fensive--damned 'fensive! - -CAR. At the finish we had a pleasant little chat; you hadn't a sixpence -left--or a friend either--except Bob Carruthers. He had lent you more -than he could afford and he was sick of it. You tried to get me to ask -him again. I wouldn't. It was on that occasion you reached up and tried -to strike me. (_touches him on shoulder_) Do you remember? - -CRAY. Momentary irritation--regretted it d'rectly! - -CAR. (_returns paper to window_) We parted that night. The place was -sold up, and I didn't hear of you again till you commenced proceedings -for our divorce. (_he moves chair and faces her_) Then I went to Bob. -He offered to see me through--engage counsel and all that. It would -have been easy to smash your case, (_crosses and stands over him_) but -that would have left me tied to you; so I asked him if he would join me -in making no defence. He pointed out what society would think of me. I -said I knew enough of society to care nothing for its bad opinion. He -did as I wished, so you got your decree nisi and the sympathy of the -public. (_crosses to top of table again_) - -CRAY. All this is beastly 'fensive. (_leans limply over back of chair_) - -CAR. My only problem was how to live. I couldn't teach or make dresses -or typewrite. There was only one thing I could do properly--I could -cook. It was always a fad of mine. I used often to prepare little -dishes for my father--in the old days--and while I was trying to see -my way, I met Millicent Sturton. I told her everything, and asked her -to help me. She had influence with these good people--so I resumed my -own name and became the vicar's cook. (_pause_; COOK _has gradually -crossed_ L. _again_. CRAYLL _moves chair back to table and drinks_) Now -you understand everything! I'll say good-bye. I'm likely to be rather -busy this evening. - -CRAY. Don't say goo'bye. I wan' you to come back. My 'ntentions are -disin'ersted. Won't you come back? - -CAR. (_stands with hands behind her back_) Not while there's a crossing -to be swept--or a box of matches to be sold. - -CRAY. (_rising unsteadily--leaning over table_) S'pose I was to--give -th' show away--d'you think they'd keep a woman like you--a woman who -was n'torious? - -CAR. No! - -CRAY. Very well, then I can squash you. Word from me'd sweep you into -the gutter--an' if you don' come back--I'll do it. I'll show you what -comes of r'fusin' disin'ested offer. (_she laughs and shrugs her -shoulders_) Don' laugh at me, you fool! I'll do it! I'll drag you off -your damned high horse, I'll--I'll--(_raises his arm to strike her_) - -CAR. No, you won't! (_pauses; his arm slowly falls and he sways about -limply_) you're too anxious to keep your own identity secret just now -to say anything about mine. Isn't that so--Mr. Crayll? - -CRAY. (_swaying about_) Tha's true, tha's true! Le's be frien's--shall -we? Don' le's be touchy. If you'll come back, I'll do the right -thing--marry you again--marry you anywhere you like--St. Paul's -Cathedral, if you like. Come back and be a comfort to ailin' man. -(_sinks into chair_) Le's have 'nother honeymoon. Shall we? Le's kiss -an' be friends; but first le's have a little more whiskey. (_taking -whiskey_) Shall we? - -CAR. (_removing the tumbler, etc._) No, we won't have any more -whiskey--in fact, I think we had better go now. (_she takes whiskey -syphon and glass to window, and looks out_) - -CRAY. (_who is now maudlin_) Not friendly! No r'sumption of former -'fectionate footin', same time--no desire to remain--where not wanted. -(_puts cap on_) Where's cigar case? Want cigar--smoke going home. (_he -very sleepily takes out letter case from his outside pocket_) Oh, here -'tish! (_as he holds it, he begins to doze, his arm falls its full -length, and a letter falls out of case--his head falls right back, and -he breathes heavily. He falls gradually into a deep sleep. She watches -him quietly, then comes round to the right of him_) - -CAR. (_pause_) Wake up! (_shakes him_) You mustn't sleep here. - -CRAY. (_muttering_) Want cigar! - -CAR. Want a cigar? But this is your letter case. (_she takes it from -him, and puts it into his outside pocket_ R. _She then sees the -fallen letter_) And you've dropped something. (_she picks it up--he -snores_) Looks like a writ. (_she glances at it_) Messrs. Brampton and -Stokes (_she pauses and looks at him_) Ah! my first idea was right -(_crosses to gas with letter round to fireplace and reads it under -the gas_) "Messrs. Brampton and Stokes present their compliments to -Lord Huntworth, and would be greatly obliged if he could place them in -communication with the lady who was till very recently his wife. The -reason for the application is urgent, as information has been received -from an Australian firm of solicitors that Lady Huntworth has succeeded -to a considerable fortune through the death of an uncle. (_she again -turns and looks at him_) Messrs. Brampton and Stokes would greatly -appreciate an early reply. Capel Court. May 9th." More than two months -ago! Ah! (_slight pause, crosses to top of table, and leans over it_) -Lord Huntworth, you will do me the favour to wake up. (_he snores_) I -thought I had said everything I had to say, but I find I was wrong. -(_she stops and listens, then puts letter hurriedly inside her dress_) -What's that? Did I hear the gate go? (_crosses to window, then crosses -to_ CRAYLL _and shakes him and pulls him up_) Wake up--you mustn't be -found here. (_she pulls him up_) - -CRAY. Wha's matter? - -CAR. I must put you somewhere; you wouldn't be easy to explain away. -(_she half-supports, half-carries him up and into scullery; when there -she allows him to droop into a sitting position against the sink; -she then shuts the scullery door_) Quite like old times! (_looks out -of window--brings work-box down, goes up to door and listens._ MR. -PILLENGER _enters_) - -PIL. Hum! Cook! (_at door_) - -CAR. Yes? - -PIL. May I come in? - -CAR. Certainly! (_crosses to chair_ R. _and sits, takes out pudding -cloth and starts to hem it_) - - (MR. PILLENGER _enters at back door_.) - -PIL. I--er--explained to Miss Pillenger that I thought it advisable to -return home early--as I was feeling somewhat indisposed. - -CAR. (_looks up at him_) Then you would like to go to bed? I'll let -Miss Pillenger in. (_looks at door_ L.) - -PIL. That is not necessary, I gave her my latchkey. I fear I must admit -my illness has no--er--tangible existence. - -CAR. Oh! - -PIL. I trust I am not interrupting any--er--domestic occupation? - -CAR. I have to hem some pudding cloths, but I can listen while I work. -What do you want to say to me? (_she begins sewing_; PILLENGER _crosses -to top of table, puts hat down; as he crosses_ COOK _looks at door_ L.) - -PIL. I--er--find some difficulty in approaching the subject. It is one -with which I have been hitherto--quite unfamiliar. - -CAR. Perhaps if you sat down it might be easier. - -PIL. Er--thank you. (_crosses to fire and stands with back to it_) The -suggestion is very considerate. (_he makes several efforts to begin, -but baulks himself_) During the few months you have been with us--you -must have noticed that you had roused--in me--a strong feeling--(_she -looks up at him_) of--er--of interest? - -CAR. I saw it--I didn't notice it. - -PIL. Exactly! (_moves to back of chair_ L.) You would -not--care--perhaps, to give me a somewhat larger measure of -your--er--confidence--touching the--er--the past. - -CAR. (_stops work for a moment_) No; I think we'll leave the past alone. - -PIL. I may possibly persuade you to be less reticent--when I have -submitted my--er--my proposal to you. - -CAR. Proposal? (_resumes work_) - -PIL. Yes. After such reasonable hesitation as should precede the taking -of any important step, I have decided to offer you an alternative to -your present life, the nature of which you may have already guessed. - -CAR. (_smiling back_) I suppose _you_ are the alternative? - -PIL. (_moves to top of table near her_) Precisely. I ask you to -be--er--to be my wife. - -CAR. (_smiles_) Thanks! (_stops work_) - -PIL. I am no longer young, but my health is good, with the exception -of a little periodic gout. My temper, if not invariably equable, is -what a long succession of curates has made it; and as to worldly -considerations, without being a rich man, my position is an independent -one. - -CAR. It ought to be. - -PIL. I beg your pardon? - -CAR. You say you don't speak without consideration. Have you considered -what your sister would say? - -PIL. (_moves round to_ L.) It is a point to which I have devoted -very exhaustive attention. At first she might not welcome the idea -with--er--absolute enthusiasm. (_sits_ L.) - -CAR. No, she might not. Have you also considered what the world would -say? - -PIL. The world? - -CAR. It's rather a tolerant world where a man is concerned, but it -holds special views about clergymen, and it wouldn't stand the notion -of a vicar marrying his cook. - -PIL. The social disparity between us is far more apparent than real. -Your present vocation must be the outcome of caprice--or temporary -necessity. - -CAR. Take it at that. (_puts work in box_) What do you know of me? I -may be an adventuress--in fact, most of the evidence points that way. -At any rate I have no intention of marrying. (_smiles_) I have said the -same thing once before this evening in reply to a similar proposition -from Gandy. (_rises and crosses back of her chair and leans on chair_) - -PIL. Gandy? Did he dare? - -CAR. He did. (_smiling_) This seems to be rather a susceptible -household. (_crosses to window and looks out_) - -PIL. (_rising_) You haven't given me a conclusive answer? - -CAR. (_hearing footsteps_) Haven't I? I thought I had. - -PIL. (_crosses to_ C.) You may require a little time for final -reflection. - -CAR. I think not. (_looking out of window_) - -PIL. Nevertheless, if you will spare me your attention. - -CAR. One moment! I thought I heard a step on the path. (_she looks out -of window_) Yes, it's Captain Dorvaston. - -PIL. (_crosses to door and looks out, returns and takes hat from -table_) You don't say so? That is highly inconvenient. What had I -better do? - -CAR. I think you had better go to bed. - -PIL. An opportunity like the present is so difficult to obtain. He will -merely pass through to his room. I'll wait in the scullery. (_makes for -it_) - -CAR. (_puts hand on door_) The scullery is rather in confusion. (_goes -back to window and looks out_) - -PIL. Then the larder is probably available. (_goes towards it_) - -CAR. I really wouldn't wait if I were you. - -PIL. (_speaking from entrance to larder_) I do so on my own initiative. -There are several arguments I wish to---- - -CAR. (_at window_) He's coming. - -PIL. Oh! (_hastily goes in and closes larder door_) - - (DORVASTON _simultaneously enters at garden door_) - -DOR. Well, Cook, I've got back. May I come in? - -CAR. If you like. (_drops down_ L. DORVASTON _enters and locks door -after him_) You needn't have locked the door. - -DOR. Don't you keep it locked? - -CAR. I do generally--it doesn't matter. (_sits_ L.) - -DOR. The governor was seedy and left early. - -CAR. Yes, he came back. - -DOR. Gone to bed, I s'pose? (_she is silent and has resumed her work_) -I tried to think of something a bit more novel, but I couldn't, so I -had to tell the old lady I wasn't feeling fit myself. - -CAR. Why did you trouble? - -DOR. (_crosses to top of table and puts hat down_) Oh, well, don't you -know, I wanted to say something to you. - -CAR. Yes. (_stops work_) - -DOR. I'm a bad hand at getting my notions into words. P'raps if you go -on doing--whatever you're doing--I may manage to make a start. (_she -resumes work_) That ought to look exceptional pretty when it's finished. - -CAR. Do you think so? - -DOR. Yes! What--is it? - -CAR. A pudding cloth. - -DOR. Jove! You don't say so? (_laughs_) I say, you mustn't think me an -awful ass! - -CAR. It doesn't matter what I think. - -DOR. It matters to me. - -CAR. It oughtn't to matter. (_pause--he takes up the weekly journal_) - -DOR. Been doing a bit of reading? (_sits on table_ R. _corner_) - -CAR. No. That belongs to Keziah. - -DOR. This sounds promising. (_reads_) "The belted Earl entered the -lists with lance in rest. His shield bore for device a bar sinister -with Fleur de Lys rampant." That ain't heraldry! - -CAR. Yes, it is, (_looking up_) "Family Heraldry." (_he laughs_) I -don't want to hurry you, but it's getting late. - -DOR. (_rises_) Well, I--I hope you haven't misunderstood my--object -in--bothering you? - -CAR. I should like to think I had. - -DOR. I don't follow. - -CAR. Members of your profession don't generally make an appointment -with cook in order to assure her of their respect. - -DOR. Some of us may be a bit rackety, but we know a lady when we see -one, and we shouldn't treat her any different because she chose to -pretend to be a cook. - -CAR. Pretend? - -DOR. (_crosses_ C. _and gets gradually to chair_ R. _of table_) Why, -any duffer could see--_I_ can see you were never meant to be what -you are. These things generally come about through loss of coin--for -instance, a woman's father speculates, and the home goes biff. He shuts -up in his stride, and she takes up the running. Now what that woman -wants is a friend to give her the lead over the fences--a friend who -don't want anything from her--will you keep your eye on that?--who -don't want anything from her, but who would like awfully to do her a -turn, if she'd let him. I think that goes into the four corners of what -I wanted to say. (_sits_) - -CAR. (_rising_) Do you know you're a wonderfully good fellow? - -DOR. Oh, rot! Well, may I be--a little use to somebody for once? - -CAR. I won't borrow money of you, if you meant that. - -DOR. False pride! - -CAR. No, that isn't it. - -DOR. It's a devilish odd thing that every good woman is a bit of a -coward, and she's always afraid of what people will say, especially if -it isn't true. - -CAR. That description fits me less than any woman in the world. - -DOR. You won't let me be of use to you, because I happen to be a man, -and you happen to be a woman--ain't that so? (_rises_) I see how it is. -I've made an ass of myself. You won't have my help or my friendship. - -CAR. (_rises_) I don't need the help, but I'll take the friendship. - -DOR. Thanks! - -CAR. (_shuts work-box_) What I thought about you was wrong. I beg your -pardon. - -DOR. Oh, that's all right! - -CAR. (_leans on box_) Now, will you do me a little favour? - -DOR. Anything! (_leans over table_) - -CAR. Will you go to bed? (_he backs with surprise_) They mustn't come -back and find you here. - -DOR. Of course not, I'll go at once; and if at any time you should want -a pal, you'll let me---- - -CAR. Hush! (_crosses to door and opens it_) I fancy I heard the key -in the front door. (_she listens_) Yes, it is them. Miss Pillenger is -saying she wants to speak to me. - -DOR. (_takes up hat_) By George! I'd better nip into the scullery. -(_crosses to scullery_) - -CAR. No! - -DOR. The larder? (_crosses to it_) - -CAR. No. Go into the garden. - -DOR. Of course! Stupid of me! (_he tries the door_) - -CAR. Make haste. - -DOR. Can't get the beastly door open. Something's wrong with the key. - -CAR. You'll be too late! (_advances towards him_) - -DOR. Here! (_opens door_) What's this? Ah, the broom cupboard, any port -in a storm! (_goes in_; COOK _shuts door and stands there for a moment_) - - (MISS PILLENGER _enters_.) - -MISS P. Cook, I remembered I hadn't ordered to-morrow's breakfast. -(_crosses and sits_ R. _of table_) - -CAR. No. What would you like? (_crosses to top of table_) - -MISS P. (_sitting_ R. _of table_) Has Keziah returned? - -CAR. Not yet. - -MISS P. Both my brother and Captain Dorvaston were too unwell to remain -with us. They have doubtless gone to bed, so I will ask you to go -upstairs very quietly. - -CAR. Certainly! I think I hear Keziah. (_she goes to back-door_) - -MISS P. She is very late. (_pause_) Why don't you open the door? - -CAR. The key sticks a little. - -MISS P. It should be oiled. (COOK _opens the door and admits_ KEZIAH, -_who doesn't see_ MISS PILLENGER) - -KEZ. Oh, Cook, I did enjoy myself a treat! 'E was there--and when I -come out---- (_comes_ C. _and sees_ MISS PILLENGER) Oh lor! - -MISS P. Keziah! - -KEZ. Yes, mum. - -MISS P. Why are you so late? - -KEZ. I dunno, mum. - -MISS P. Who is the person you spoke of when you came in? - -KEZ. What person, mum? - -MISS P. You said distinctly _he_ was there. - -KEZ. Oh, that was me sister's 'usband's brother, mum. (_winks at_ COOK) -'E's a plumber, and Church of England. - -MISS P. You are aware I don't allow followers? - -KEZ. 'E don't follow _me_, mum. I did give 'im good evenin', bein', as -you may say, relations, and 'e told me as my sister 'as just 'ad 'er -_seventh_, and both doin' well, and---- - -MISS P. That will do. I hope you are telling the truth. - -KEZ. Oh yes, mum, it's gorspel, it is reely! - -MISS P. Mind you go upstairs quietly; your master is unwell. - -KEZ. Yes, mum. (_goes to door again, winks at_ COOK) Good night, mum. - -MISS P. Good night! (KEZIAH _goes out_) I'm afraid, Cook, you must have -had a rather dull evening. - -CAR. No, I haven't been dull. (_puts box on window-ledge and returns_) -You were going to speak about the breakfast. - -MISS P. Yes. Let me see, we shall have fish. (_noise in cupboard_) What -was that? I heard a noise in that cupboard. - -CAR. It may have been a mouse. - -MISS P. I didn't know we had any mice. You had better set a trap -to-morrow. - -CAR. You mentioned fish? Will you have it grilled? - -MISS P. No, fried with egg and breadcrumbs. (_noise in cupboard is -repeated more loudly_) That can't be a mouse. The cat must have got -shut up in there. - -CAR. The cat is in the scullery. - -MISS P. Then it must be a strange cat. (_rises and crosses to_ R. C.) - -CAR. (_going to cupboard, her hand on knob_) Strange cats sometimes fly -at you. If you'll go, I'll see to it. I'm not nervous. - -MISS P. (_advances to cupboard_) Neither am I. I prefer to see for -myself. (_waves_ COOK _back_) How this door sticks. (_she pulls at -the handle of the door, which at last opens, discovering_ DORVASTON) -Captain Dorvaston! (_he comes out sheepishly; pause_) May I ask -you to explain this? (DORVASTON _looks first at_ MISS P. _then at_ -COOK--_takes his hat off_) - -DOR. Well, ma'am, it ain't exactly easy to make the thing clear. - -MISS P. I see. (_speaking at_ COOK) The explanation is only too -obvious. My niece has gone to her room, so I shall not disturb her -to-night, but to-morrow it will be my painful duty to tell her -everything. (_moves a step to the door_) - -DOR. I say, ma'am, just a moment. - -MISS P. (_moves toward_ COOK _and stops_) As to you, Cook, I will--or, -rather, Mr. Pillenger--will speak to you in the morning. - -CAR. (_smiling_) Very well! (_at top of table._ MISS PILLENGER _moves -to go_--DORVASTON _intercepts her_) - -DOR. Look here, ma'am--upon my soul you must listen. I wanted to say -something to Cook. It was nothing--anybody might have heard it. - -MISS P. Then why conceal yourself in the broom cupboard? - -DOR. I know the broom cupboard ain't easy to get out of. I could -explain better, only I feel in such an awful hat---- - -MISS P. You are not wearing your hat! - -DOR. No, but--really, you know, I simply wanted-- - -CAR. Captain Dorvaston, don't trouble; whatever you may say Miss -Pillenger won't believe you. - -MISS P. That is true. There are things that cannot be explained away. -The broom cupboard is one of them. (_going_) - -DOR. But I say, ma'am! (_moves again_) - -MISS P. (_motions him away_) Good-night, Captain Dorvaston. (_he opens -door, she goes out._ DORVASTON _and_ COOK _look at each other, she -smiles_) - -DOR. (_after pause_) I've made a nice mess of it. - -CAR. You have rather. (_closes cupboard door, returns_ L.) - -DOR. If nature allowed a fella to kick himself, I'd do it with the -greatest pleasure. (_comes to_ R. _and puts hat down on table_) To drag -you into such a beastly muddle! And I did so want to do you a turn. - -CAR. I know you did. You meant kindly, and I'm very grateful. Go to bed -and forget all about it. - -DOR. There'll be an awful row to-morrow. I'm not thinking of myself, -I'm thinking about you. - -CAR. You needn't worry about me. Oddly enough, I've had news to-night -that makes this affair very unimportant. Now I must really ask you to -go. - -DOR. All right, I'll be off. But, I say--you do forgive me? - -CAR. Of course I forgive you. - -DOR. Thanks. Good-night! - -CAR. Good-night! (_he goes to door_ R., _then returns to table for his -hat. As he does so_ PILLENGER _cautiously emerges from the larder. The -two men face each other_) - -PIL. Hum! Tut, tut! (COOK _turns and sits_ L.) - -DOR. Hulloa, sir! Were you in there? - -PIL. Yes--I--er--was. - -DOR. What, all the time? - -PIL. I had an important reason for desiring a few minutes' conversation -with--er--Cook. - -CAR. Mr. Pillenger shared your wish that I should better myself. - -DOR. That's devilish lucky, because, as you were a witness, you can -clean the slate for us, and back up what I say. - -PIL. You fail to perceive that my perfectly innocent sojourn in the -larder would be as difficult of plausible explanation as your own -regrettable occupancy of the broom cupboard. - -DOR. Jove, yes, that's true! What had we better do? - -CAR. The first step--especially as you are both invalids (_the men look -at each other_) is for you to go to bed. - -PIL. The suggestion is most judicious. (_they both start for the door_; -PILLENGER _stops Dorvaston_) I think, Captain Dorvaston, I will precede -you by a few minutes. The stairs have a tendency to creak, and would -certainly do so under our combined weight. Good-night. - -DOR. Good-night, sir. - -PIL. (_is going but pauses_) With your permission I will remove my -boots. (_he does so_) It would not be fair to disturb the household. -Good-night! (_he goes out with a boot in each hand, and his hat under -his arm_) - -DOR. (_crosses and sits_ R.) By George! then the governor was there all -the time. - -CAR. Yes, I was well provided with chaperonage. (_turns to mantel and -puts gas out, takes candlestick from bracket and crosses to window_) - -DOR. It don't get you out of the mess, that's the worst of it. - -CAR. (_shutting the window and then crossing to larder_) You needn't -mind me. - -DOR. I'm bound to mind you. Are you sure there's nothing I could do to -help you--in any sort of way? - -CAR. No. (_shuts door; her eye goes to scullery_) Well, there is one -thing you could do for me--if you really mean what you say. - -DOR. I swear I do! (_rises_) - -CAR. (_crosses_ C.) What I should want you to do would be rather a -nuisance. Are you sure you wouldn't mind? - -DOR. Try me. - -CAR. Well, there's a man in the scullery. - -DOR. Another man! - -CAR. Yes. I fancy you'll find he is asleep against the sink. - -DOR. Is he, by George? - -CAR. Might I trouble you to fetch him out? (_crosses to dresser and -lights candle_) - -DOR. Eh? What? Oh, certainly! (_he goes to scullery, opens door and -discovers_ CRAYLL _asleep in a sitting position_; DORVASTON _picks -him up, places him in a chair_ R. _of table_) There you are! (COOK -_crosses with candle, and light falls on_ CRAYLL'S _face_) Why, it's -Crayll! (_looks at_ COOK) - -CAR. Yes. - -DOR. He's as drunk as a fiddler. - -CAR. Yes. He called on me this evening, rather to my inconvenience. - -DOR. Did he? - -CAR. Might I ask you--to put him somewhere for me? (DORVASTON _looks at -her wonderingly_) There's a dry ditch--at the end of the garden--that -would do. - -DOR. Anything you wish, of course. - -CAR. Thanks! (_turns_ B. _gas out_) - -DOR. Then you know Crayll? - -CAR. Yes. (_turning to_ DORVASTON) He was my husband at one time. -(_turns out gas_) - -DOR. (_in an amazed whisper_) What! - -CAR. Good-night! (_she goes out quietly at door_ R.) - - _The stage is now dark except the moonlight which streams in at - door._ DORVASTON _stands transfixed with astonishment--then he - puts on his hat--goes up and opens the back door--returns--picks - up_ CRAYLL _and carries him up stage. As he does so the_ - - CURTAIN FALLS. - - - - -ACT III. - - SCENE.--_The Vicarage Library (according to plan)._ - - TIME.--_Early next morning._ - - (_When the Act opens the stage is dark, but the morning sun - shines in through the chinks of the shutters_; LUCY _enters - in white biking costume; she steals downstairs, puts jacket - on chair_ R., _crosses to_ O.P. _windows, opens shutters, and - draws curtains--crosses to back and does the same; then waves - handkerchief to_ THORSBY, _and runs up stairs again; stands - looking off, to see no one has heard; after a moment_ THORSBY - _enters; steals to balustrade and kisses_ LUCY'S _hand, which is - on the balustrade_.) - - -THOR. Darling! - -LUCY. Hush! - -THOR. Mustn't I?--on our wedding day? - -LUCY. No! - -THOR. Oh! - -LUCY. At least--whatever you wish to convey to me must be done in dumb -show. - -THOR. I see. (_he kisses her_) - -LUCY. Mind my hat. (_looks off_) When we have been married a few years -you'll realize that my hats must be treated very respectfully. - -THOR. I suppose the household is still in bed? - -LUCY. Yes. (_crosses to settle and sits on_ R. _end_) I crept -downstairs feeling like a burglar. I had one awful moment--I stumbled -over Auntie's shoes--they were outside her door. - -THOR. My dearest--that was rather careless. (_leans on post_) - -LUCY. Careless! Auntie's shoes aren't easy to avoid in a narrow -passage. It was all right. Uncle and Aunty were still asleep--I could -hear them---- - -THOR. And Captain Dorvaston? - -LUCY. Oh! I expect Jack was asleep, too, not dreaming the hour of his -emancipation was at hand. Poor old Jack! I wish he was coming with us. - -THOR. Hum! Do you? - -LUCY. I wish he could have given me away. - -THOR. I--hardly share that feeling. - -LUCY. You don't know him; he'd have done it in a minute if I'd asked -him. I'd have told him all about it, only he's such a clumsy old -duffer; he might have given me away in a different sense. - -THOR. You seem to place great reliance on his affection for you. - -LUCY. He has tons of affection for me--tons--but not love--at least, -not the business article you and I deal in. (THORSBY _goes to embrace -her, she waves him off_) By the way, Harry, (_she is putting on her -gloves_) there are one or two points we have never properly settled. - -THOR. What are they? - -LUCY. I mean to be a clinking parson's wife. - -THOR. Darling! (_moves to her, she waves him off as before_) - -LUCY. Hold on! I mean to be a clinking parson's wife, but I have my -limitations. Church on Sunday--how many times? - -THOR. (_hesitatingly_) Three? - -LUCY. Oh, no! Mornings generally, evenings sometimes, afternoons never. - -THOR. Never? - -LUCY. Never! (THORSBY _moves to_ C.; LUCY _rises and follows_) Now -you're shocked--your face has grown a couple of inches longer. Well, -if I'm not orthodox enough for you it's off, and I'll go back to bed -again. (_moves to go_) - -THOR. Lucy dear, (_catches her arm_) in answer to what you said, I -shall merely exact one promise. - -LUCY. Which is? - -THOR. That in all things--and in all seasons--you will do--or not -do--whatever you please. Do you promise? - -LUCY. (_after slight pause. She puts left hand on shoulder_) Harry, I -do promise; it shall be exactly as you say. Indeed, indeed, I'll keep -my word. Now then, fasten my glove, and we'll go and get it over. (_he -proceeds to fasten her glove, as_ CAROLINE _enters, carrying a small -tray with coffee, bread and butter, etc.; she also carries a large shoe -under her arm_) - -CAR. (_at top of stairs_) I beg your pardon. (LUCY _and_ THORSBY _are -much startled_. THORSBY _moves away towards table_ R.C.) - -LUCY. Cook! - -THOR. Dear me! - -CAR. I hope I didn't startle you? - -LUCY. Oh, no! - -THOR. Not at all! - -CAR. (_comes down, and stands at bottom of stairs_) I thought you might -like a cup of coffee (_smiling_) to help you face the ordeal. - -LUCY. Was that why you wanted to know last night what time I meant to -start? - -CAR. No. I told you I wanted to think of you, and wish you luck. The -coffee was an afterthought. - -LUCY. I see. - -CAR. Won't you both sit down and have it comfortably? - -LUCY. Is it safe to wait? (_crosses up_ C. _and looks off--anxiously_) - -CAR. Quite. - -LUCY. Keziah? - -CAR. Keziah is not awake--I wrapped the alarum in a blanket. (LUCY -_crosses to top_; THORSBY _to_ R.; COOK _crosses to top of chair and -puts tray on table and shoe on chair_ L.; LUCY _and_ THORSBY _then sit_) - -LUCY. It has probably dawned on you, Harry, that Cook is a good friend -of ours? - -THOR. It has, indeed! (_he rises, bows--sits again_) - -CAR. Cook was once young herself--it was some years ago--but she -hasn't forgotten the circumstances. (_to_ LUCY) Milk and sugar? - -LUCY. Thanks. (_she holds cup to her_) - -CAR. Mr. Thorsby? - -THOR. If you please--two lumps. (_she hands cup to him_) - -CAR. Bread and butter? (_they both take some_) It isn't up to -much--yesterday's loaf--but it was the best I could do. And how do you -both feel? Nervous? - -LUCY. Beastly nervous! (_eating_) - -THOR. (_eating_) The moment is naturally a solemn one. I feel anxious, -but not nervous. (_takes up cup and drinks_) - -LUCY. Oh, it's all right for you; you've tied up such a lot of poor -misguided people, that you know the words backwards. It's different -with me--I know I shall bungle it. - -CAR. There are only three words that really signify. - -LUCY. Which three? - -CAR. Love, honor, and obey. - -LUCY. I think I can manage the first two, but I mean to slur the third, -(THORSBY _drops cup in saucer_) cough, or sneeze or something. - -THOR. (_to_ CAROLINE, _smiling_) That sounds rather an alarming -prospect. Don't you pity me? - -CAR. (_glancing at_ LUCY, _and also smiling_) No, I don't think I do. -(_crosses_ C.) How do you go to Church? - -LUCY. (_rising_) We are going to bike there. By-the-bye, would you tell -somebody--Auntie or Jack--anybody will do--that I've run over to see my -friend, Jenny Thornton, and they're not to wait breakfast? - -THOR. (_rising_) My dear Lucy, ought we to involve a third person in -our deception? - -CAR. The third person hasn't a very tender conscience in such matters. -(_to_ LUCY) I'll tell your little fib for you with pleasure. - -LUCY. (_leans over chair, sees shoe_) There, Harry, I knew she would. -Thank you, Cook. (_taking up the shoe which_ COOK _has placed on a -chair_) What's this? - -CAR. (C.) I wanted to throw a shoe after you, and that was the only one -I could find. It's one of your Aunt's--she put it outside her door to -be cleaned. - -THOR. Dear me! It looks rather formidable. - -CAR. It _is_ large! We'll hope that the luck it brings will be -proportionate. Now, I should say it was time for you to go. - -THOR. (_going up to window_) Yes, I don't think we ought to delay. - -LUCY. (_puts shoe down again, crosses up to window, and down to below -table_ C.) All right, come along. Stop a second though. I say, Harry, -have you got everything? - -THOR. (_returns from_ R.) Got everything? (COOK _crosses to back of -table, and puts things on tray_) - -LUCY. Everybody's fee. I should like to do the thing well. - -THOR. Yes. - -LUCY. How about the ring? - -THOR. Eh? Oh, yes, I--(_searching his pockets_) I bought it yesterday. -(_still searching_) - -LUCY. Very likely, but have you got it with you to-day? - -THOR. I certainly think so. I have a distinct recollection of putting -it in my waistcoat pocket. (_still searching_) - -LUCY. You've lost it. (_to_ COOK) There's a pretty mess! - -THOR. Ah! here it is. (COOK _crosses to_ C.) There is a hole in the -pocket, and it had slipped down into the lining. - -LUCY. (_to_ COOK) Thank goodness! That would have been a nice thing, -wouldn't it? - -CAR. (_to_ LUCY) Will you wear this? It's only syringa, but it looks -like orange blossom. (LUCY _and_ THORSBY _exchange glances_) I picked -it for you this morning. - -LUCY. (_fixing it_) You _have_ been kind to me, and I've no means of -thanking you. Will you stoop down and let me kiss you? (COOK _does so_) -I'm afraid that's all I can do. - -CAR. I'm quite repaid. I fancy Mr. Thorsby agrees with me. (LUCY -_crosses up to window_) - -THOR. (_goes up_ R. _a little; takes_ LUCY'S _coat with him_) Good-bye! -May I add my thanks also? - -CAR. Not at all. Good-bye. - -LUCY. (_crosses down again to_ COOK) It isn't good-bye--we're coming -back as soon as it's over; and we mean to tell everything to everybody. -So we shall see you again. - -CAR. One never knows what may happen. I think we'll make it good-bye. -(_puts hand on_ LUCY'S _shoulder_) Now, go along and get married, and -live happy ever after, as they do in the fairy tales. (THORSBY _goes -out of the window_; LUCY _follows, but turns and kisses her hand. They -go_) - - (COOK _follows them to the verandah, and throws shoe as she returns - for tray_. DORVASTON _enters from_ O. P. _door_.) - -DOR. Hulloa! Good-morning! - -CAR. (_at top of table_) Good morning. Rather a close shave. - -DOR. I beg your pardon? - -CAR. Nothing! (_is taking up tray_) - -DOR. (_at top of table_ R. _of_ COOK) Look here, don't go. I want to -have half a word with you. - -CAR. Well? - -DOR. I--saw to that little job. - -CAR. Yes? - -DOR. I--put him in the ditch. - -CAR. Thanks. Did he say anything? - -DOR. (_top of table_) He muttered something about another whiskey, and -that he would like to be called about nine. Now would you mind telling -me a little about it all? Give you my word it ain't mere curiosity, -it's interest in you and everything that concerns you. - -CAR. (_at back of chair_ L.) I told you the chief thing last night. Mr. -Crayll was my husband at one time. - -DOR. You say he was your husband. - -CAR. Yes. We are divorced. - -DOR. Oh, that was it! (_pause_) I haven't known your--er--I haven't -known Crayll more than a day or two, but I can see he's an awful little -swine. I suppose he treated you anyhow? - -CAR. Yes. Is there anything else you would like me to tell you? - -DOR. It's extraordinary good of you to give me your confidence. - -CAR. You've earned it. (_takes tray, and turns_) - -DOR. (_crosses behind her, to her_ L.) Well then, I say, what are you -going to do now? - -CAR. See to the breakfast. - -DOR. No, no! I mean about--Miss Pillenger--and--the broom cupboard. -There'll be an infernal row, and I'm afraid you'll get beans. - -CAR. (_smiles_) I'm used to handling all kinds of vegetables. -(DORVASTON _laughs too_) As I told you last night, it doesn't matter. - -DOR. (_sits_ L. _of table_) But, by George, it _does_ matter! When I -asked you then to let me be of use to you, I put it to you as a favor, -now I ask it as a right. I got you into this mess, simply through my -beastly clumsiness, and you've got to let me see you through it somehow. - -CAR. (_back of table_) News has reached me, in rather a roundabout way, -that I have come into some money; so you see I'm independent--of Miss -Pillenger--and the broom cupboard. - -DOR. Really? - -CAR. Really! - -DOR. You're not--pulling my leg? - -CAR. (_smiling_) No! - -DOR. Then I'm devilish glad for your sake, and devilish sorry for my -own. I thought at last I saw my way--to doing you a turn. - -CAR. (_places her hand on chair at back of_ DORVASTON) My life hasn't -been a very pleasant one, but in one respect I've been lucky, I have -known two men who honestly tried to befriend a woman. - -DOR. Who was the other chap? - -CAR. His name is Carruthers. - -DOR. Not old Bob? (_rises and backs_ C.) - -CAR. (_affirmatively_) Old Bob. - -DOR. Why, he's a dear pal of mine! - -CAR. Is he? - -DOR. And did he try to be a pal to _you_? - -CAR. I was thinking of his kindness to Lady Huntworth. - -DOR. Ah, how about Lady Huntworth? Did you know her? - -CAR. Yes! (_smiling_) We are rather intimate--like myself she was -unfortunate in her choice of a husband. - -DOR. Huntworth brought the divorce, didn't he? - -CAR. Yes. Thinking he saw his way to marrying another woman, with -another fortune, he brought his suit against his wife and your friend. - -DOR. Damn him! Pardon! couldn't help it. (_crosses and kneels on chair_ -L. _of table_) - -CAR. The whole thing was utterly untrue and I know she asked Bob to -join her in making no defence rather than remain Lady Huntworth. - -DOR. The only thing that rather fogs me is, when the verdict was once -given, why didn't Bob marry her? - -CAR. He did suggest it. - -DOR. Well? - -CAR. She said no. - -DOR. Why did she do that? - -CAR. She knew he didn't care for _her_, nor she for _him_--at least not -in that way. - -DOR. (_rises, crosses_ C.) Still, it was game of her to refuse! There -ain't many women placed as she was who'd have done it. (_goes up and -leans on balustrade, thinking_) - -CAR. Perhaps not. (_pause--takes up tray and crosses_ C.; _as she -moves_ C. DORVASTON _turns and places hand on tray_) I must go now. - -DOR. No, wait one minute. I'm going on duty directly. My duty is to -make Lucy a happy little woman and I mean to do it. But you seem to -be going down rather a lonely road and I want you to remember that -somewhere or other there is an old duffer lumbering about the world who -will never forget you--will you remember? - -CAR. I shall remember. (_pulls tray away_) Now I really can't stay any -longer. (_crosses to first step_) - -DOR. (_holding out his hand_) I say! (_she turns--places tray on -balustrade_) Will you? - -CAR. Of course! Why not? (_they shake hands_) - -DOR. Supposing I'd been a free man, do you think you--could---- - -CAR. Oh! (_draws hand away and takes up tray, moves to second step_) -That opens out a very large question. I haven't time to answer that. - -DOR. (_touches her on shoulder, she turns_) I wonder if we shall ever -come across each other in the future? - -CAR. (_looking at him_) More unlikely things have happened. (_mounts -third step, turns to him_) Good-bye! (_exit_) - - (DORVASTON _sinks into big chair lost in thought, takes out - cigarette case_. GANDY _enters, door_ R., _and is crossing the - stage_.) - -DOR. Good morning! (GANDY _crosses from_ O.P. _to steps_) - -GAN. Mornin'. (C.) - -DOR. Got a match about you? - -GAN. No. (_crosses to mantel_) There should be a box 'ere. (_goes to -mantel_) There is! (_he brings them to_ DORVASTON) - -DOR. (_taking them, rises_) Thanks! I suppose the papers haven't come -yet? - -GAN. They 'aven't. - -DOR. You seem a trifle down. Not quite your own bright self, are you? -(_lights cigarette_) - -GAN. I ain't! - -DOR. You went to see your mother, didn't you? - -GAN. Yes. - -DOR. Hope you found her feeling fit? - -GAN. She's fit enough! It's me. - -DOR. What's the matter? (_hands back matches_) - -GAN. Weal cutlet for supper--that's wot's the matter! (DORVASTON -_crosses up back to window_. GANDY _puts matches on mantelpiece_) I've -always done my dooty by mother, so I picked a bit, and then I went -to bed and dreamt I was superintendin' my own funeral. Weal cutlet! -(_crosses up steps_) Mother gets above herself. - -DOR. (_at window_) Have you tried a drop of brandy? - -GAN. I 'ave. (_first step_) - -DOR. I should try another. - -GAN. (_second step_) I mean to. (DORVASTON _strolls out through the -window and off_ R. MISS PILLENGER _enters_ L., GANDY _giving way_) - -MISS P. Gandy, can you tell me what has happened to my shoes? - -GAN. No. - -MISS P. I put them outside my door last night, but this morning I find -one of them still uncleaned and the other has disappeared. You haven't -seen it, I suppose? - -GAN. I 'aven't. - -MISS P. Very singular! (_crosses to window up back._ GANDY _goes up -stairs_) Have you seen Miss Lucy? She is not in her room! - -GAN. No. - - (MR. PILLENGER _enters_ L. GANDY _gives way. He has cut his cheek - while shaving and is wearing a piece of black sticking plaster._) - -PIL. Good morning! - -MISS P. Good morning, Audley. - -PIL. (_to_ GANDY) Has the post come? - -GAN. No, it ain't. (_he goes off_ L.) - -MISS P. You appear to have had an accident. - -PIL. Accident! - -MISS P. In completing your toilette. - -PIL. Eh? Hum--yes. The razor slipped. My nervous system is slightly -disorganized. - -MISS P. The result of last night. - -PIL. (_startled_) Last night? I--er--fail to understand you. - -MISS P. I was referring to your indisposition. - -PIL. Oh!--Ah!--exactly. (_crosses to window_) - -MISS P. Are you going out? - -PIL. I thought the fresh morning air might be beneficial. - -MISS P. I must ask you to remain. I have a most painful subject to -talk over with you. (_sits_ R.) - -PIL. Need we deal with it now? Painful subjects should never be -discussed on an empty--before breakfast. - -MISS P. It does not admit of delay. We may have to face a serious -scandal. - -PIL. (_crosses to chair_ L.) Scandal! I trust, Hannah, you are weighing -your words very carefully. - -MISS P. I am not in the habit of speaking heedlessly. What I have to -tell you refers to Cook--(DORVASTON _appears at the window--he has_ -MISS PILLENGER'S _shoe in his hand_)--and to Captain Dorvaston. - - (DORVASTON _enters smoking_.) - -PIL. Ah! here--is--er--Captain Dorvaston. (_he crosses to_ L. _and -indicates to_ DORVASTON _that_ MISS PILLENGER _is in the room_. -DORVASTON _throws cigarette away and comes to top of chair_ R. C.) - -DOR. Good morning, sir. Good morning, ma'am! (MISS PILLENGER _bows -frigidly_. DORVASTON _crosses to chair_) - -PIL. Hannah was just--er--mentioning, as you entered, that--you---- - -DOR. (_quietly beating the back of chair with shoe_) Yes, I fancied I -caught my name. What were you saying, ma'am? - -MISS P. I was saying, Captain Dorvaston---- (_she notices the shoe_) -What are you doing with that shoe? - -DOR. Just picked it up. - -MISS P. Why did you touch it? Your doing so seems to me to be strangely -wanting in delicacy. - -DOR. Don't see anything indelicate in picking up an old shoe. I found -it on the garden path. - -MISS P. My shoe on the garden path! - -DOR. Yours! I thought it was Gandy's. - -MISS P. If you thought to keep me a prisoner in my room by the removal -of my shoe, the expedient was abortive. I have several other pairs. - -DOR. Don't know what the deuce you're driving at, ma'am. Sorry I -disturbed the thing. Shall I put it back? - -MISS P. I will thank you to restore it to me. (DORVASTON _hands shoe, -and_ MISS PILLENGER _crosses, and puts it on cabinet_ R.) Thank you! -(_she returns and sits_ L. _of table_) Now, with your permission, I -will resume what I was saying to Mr. Pillenger when you came in. (_the -men exchange glances_) I warned you last night I should consider it my -duty to acquaint Lucy with the details of--my--very painful discovery -(DORVASTON _starts to go off at window_; PILLENGER _follows his -example upstairs_) but I find she has gone out for a walk--at least -so I imagine. Well--Audley--Audley (MISS PILLENGER _calls_ PILLENGER -_back, and he calls_ DORVASTON _back_; PILLENGER _sits on settle, and_ -DORVASTON _leans on balustrade_) Well, Audley, the painful discovery I -allude to was this. After returning home last night I had occasion to -visit the kitchen in order to speak to Cook for a moment. While doing -so, I heard a mysterious noise. I investigated its origin, and found -Captain Dorvaston concealed in the broom cupboard. He was unable to -give me any lucid explanation. I now leave the matter in your hands. -(_slight pause_) - -DOR. I don't know whether it's much good me saying anything--is it, sir? - -PIL. (_rises_) I think otherwise. (DORVASTON _surprised_) I shall be -very happy to hear anything you care to tell me. Appearances are often -misleading. - -MISS P. But, Audley, surely---- - -PIL. Hannah, the matter has now been submitted to my judgment. I shall -not approach it in a spirit of carping doubt. If our dear friend can -give us his personal assurance that the whole thing was--a--little joke -for instance---- - -MISS P. A little joke! - -PIL. If he could tell us that in concealing himself in the--er--broom -cupboard, he had an idea of jumping out suddenly and startling somebody -by saying "Boo"--not you particularly--but Cook, or Keziah, or -myself---- - -MISS P. You? What should you be doing in the kitchen? - -PIL. No--that is so; but still, though I deprecate practical joking -as a rule, I should consider the explanation as not being without a -certain measure of antecedent plausibility. - -MISS P. You appear to be putting words into Captain Dorvaston's mouth. - -PIL. No, pardon me, I merely say that such a line of defence would -carry conviction to an unbiased mind. The army is proverbially a -light-hearted profession. - -DOR. Well, sir, I'm afraid I can't exactly say that. - -MISS P. There! - -PIL. In any case, Hannah, our friend Dorvaston is Lucy's -responsibility. (_leans on mantel_) - -MISS P. At all events, Cook is _yours_! - -PIL. Eh? Hum--yes---- - -MISS P. You will of course ring the bell and discharge her. - -PIL. I--really think we should endeavour to avoid any---- - -MISS P. (_rises_) Her continued presence in the house would be an -insult to _me_. - -PIL. (_loudly_) To avoid any appearance of temper--do you hear me, -Hannah?--of temper. - -DOR. (_coming to_ MISS PILLENGER) Upon my soul, ma'am, Cook hadn't -anything to do with it. I was there against her wish. - -PIL. (_crossing to_ C.) Surely that is a most convincing testimony. - -DOR. I know last night things didn't look quite square, but whatever -fault there _was_, was my fault. - -PIL. Precisely! No doubt! (_the men look at each other_) - -DOR. I was chatting to Cook--it was a stoopid thing to do--but there -was no harm in it. - -PIL. None whatever, I feel sure. - -DOR. In fact, the governor knows there wasn't! - -MISS P. How should my brother know? - -PIL. Hum!--tut--tut! - -DOR. How! Why, because he was in the lar---- (_pause_, MISS PILLENGER -_stares, both men stare at each other with their mouths open_) - -PIL. (_eagerly_) I was sure to take a broad-minded view. Doubtless that -is our friend's meaning. - -DOR. Yes, that is what I meant. It got late, and I heard you coming, -ma'am, and I knew you're a bit strict, don't you know! - -PIL. Quite so! - -DOR. And as I was supposed to be seedy, I thought you'd take my being -there the wrong way, don't you see? So I--nipped into the broom -cupboard, don't you understand? (_crosses up back_) - -PIL. (_crosses to top of table_) To a moderately impartial intelligence -the whole thing is as clear as day, and really reflects discredit on no -one. - -MISS P. Is it your intention to say nothing to Cook on the subject? - -PIL. I think we should give her to understand that careful -investigation has tended to modify our original misconception of the -true facts of the case. - -MISS P. (_rising_) Then, Audley, I have this to say---- (_crosses to_ -R.) - - (GANDY _enters_ L.) - -GAN. (_at top of steps_) I've just found a gent in the dry ditch at the -end of the garden. - -PIL. (_pause_) A gent in the ditch! (DORVASTON _crosses to balustrade_) -What gent?--er--gentleman? - -GAN. 'E was asleep and I shook 'im--'e grunted, and I shook 'im again. -'E says his name's Crayll, and 'e'd like to see you. - -PIL. Crayll! (_to_ DORVASTON) That is the person who called on you -yesterday? - -DOR. Yes, I know him. - -PIL. He wished to see _me_? (_to_ GANDY) - -GAN. 'E said so. - -PIL. Show him in. (GANDY _goes out_. DORVASTON _crosses_ L.) Surely a -most singular circumstance! Why did he go to sleep in my ditch? (MISS -PILLENGER _crosses up to top of window_) - -DOR. I suppose, as he's an acquaintance of mine, he thought you -wouldn't object. - -PIL. He must be very eccentric. (_crosses to_ R. _corner_) - -DOR. Yes, he's a rum sort of chap! (GANDY _enters, followed by_ CRAYLL, -_who looks rather dilapidated_) - -GAN. Mr. Crayll! (_at top of steps--he goes out_--CRAYLL _is at top of -steps_) - -CRAY. Good mornin'! (_at top of steps_) - -PIL. Good morning! - -CRAY. (_to_ DORVASTON) How are you? (_crosses down and puts hat on -settle_) - -DOR. How are you? - -CRAY. Think I'll sit down. (_crosses_ R.) Feel rather shaky. (_he sits_ -L. _of table_; DORVASTON _is standing with his back to the fireplace_) - -PIL. By all means. (_indicating_ MISS PILLENGER) My sister! - -CRAY. Oh! (_he nods carelessly_) - -PIL. But, my dear sir, (_sits_ R.) I understand you passed the -night--or some portion of it--in er--the ditch? - -CRAY. 'Pears I did. - -PIL. But--how did you get there? - -CRAY. How the devil should I know? - -PIL. Tut, tut! - -CRAY. I must have bin sprung last night, that's about the size of it. -I seem to recollect somebody pickin' me up, and then chuckin' me down -again, like a sack of coals. (_to_ PILLENGER) It wasn't you, was it? - -PIL. Certainly not! But you seem to be shivering. May I offer you -anything? - -MISS P. (_from back of table--coming down a little_) A hot cup of tea? - -CRAY. Tea be damned! - -PIL. Tut! (MISS PILLENGER _is shocked, and goes up_) - -CRAY. No, I should like a hair of the dog that bit me. - -PIL. (_rises excitedly and leans over table_) Bitten by a dog! Good -Heavens! My dear sir, the place should be cauterised at once--no time -should be lost! - -CRAY. Oh, don't be such an ass! I mean whiskey. (_looking closely at_ -PILLENGER) What's that on your face? What is it? What's that filthy -black thing crawling over your face? - -PIL. I--er--you probably---- - -CRAY. What is it? (_loudly--rises excitedly_) Why the devil don't you -tell me what it is? - -PIL. A slight accident in shaving. My razor is somewhat out of -condition--merely sticking plaster. - -CRAY. Oh! (_subsiding_) Thought it was a spider. (_pause_) I want to -talk to you. - -PIL. Yes. (_sits_) - -CRAY. Want to say a word or two about your Cook. (DORVASTON _makes a -slight movement_; MISS PILLENGER _crosses down to chair_) - -PIL. Indeed! - -CRAY. I s'pose you didn't know much about her when you took her. Did -you? - -MISS P. No. - -PIL. Hannah, permit me! In answer to your inquiry, I may say we -obtained the highest testimonials from the Duchess of Sturton. - -CRAY. Oh yes, that's all right--they're pals. (_all start_) Did she -tell you your Cook was married. - -MISS P. Married? - -PIL. Hannah! Hannah! No, sir, she did not. - -CRAY. Well she _is_. Did she say she was a well-known society woman, -who wasn't living with her husband? - -MISS P. Good gracious! - -PIL. Her Grace did not mention the fact--if it _is_ a fact. - -CRAY. It _is_--you may lay your shirt on it. That ain't quite the sort -of party you want in your kitchen, is it? Now I happen to know the -husband'd be willin' to overlook the past--and take her back again---- - -PIL. Er--really? - -CRAY. He's a good-natured beggar, and he don't bear malice. He put it -to her, but she's an obstinate devil--she didn't listen to reason. Now -it struck me that as you're a magpie---- - -PIL. Tut! - -MISS P. A magpie? - -CRAY. Beg pardon--I mean as you're a parson, with your eye on the -marriage service--"Those who Heaven joined" and all that kind of -thing--you might see your way to chuckin' her out, neck and crop, -without a character--D'you see?--and so bring her to a sense of dooty. - -MISS P. Really, Audley, there is something to be said for this -gentleman's suggestion. - -PIL. Whatever course it may ultimately be desirable for me to adopt, I -shall require more definite information than I at present possess as to -the intentions and--er--general identity--of the alleged husband. - -CRAY. You can have it. I'm her husband. - -PIL. You! (MISS PILLENGER _also conveys surprise_) - -CRAY. Yes, you ask her; she'll admit she's been married all right. - -MISS P. I'll ring for her at once. (_makes movement, rises and crosses -to_ L.) - -CRAY. (_hastily_) Hold hard! Stop that, old woman! (MISS PILLENGER -_pauses_) I don't want to see her--there wouldn't be any good in -that--the meeting would be painful all round. (_rising_) No! you do -what I say--tell her to pack up her traps and go--and then my arms -will be open to her. (MISS PILLENGER _returns and sits_) Good mornin'! -(_crosses_ C.) - - (CRAYLL _goes_ L., DORVASTON _intercepts him_.) - -DOR. You're not leaving us? - -CRAY. Yes, I am! - -DOR. I think not! - -CRAY. What d'you mean? I suppose I can go when I like? (_moves forward_) - -DOR. You will go when I like; and before you do, you've got to face -the lady you've just been trying to injure. Sit down there (_pointing -to settle_) and don't move, or I shall hurt you! (CRAYLL _hesitates_) -Sit down! (CRAYLL _sits sulkily_) Now I'm going to ring the bell, and -Mr. Pillenger will send for Mrs. Crayll; but if you try to get away, I -shall probably hurt you rather badly. Do you follow me? - -CRAY. Yes. - -DOR. That's all right. (_crosses and rings bell; to_ MR. PILLENGER) -Sorry to take the business out of your hands, sir, but we've got to see -it through, don't you know? - -PIL. I think it would undoubtedly be desirable. (GANDY _enters_) -Will you ask Mrs.--er--I mean--er--kindly inform Cook we should like -to speak to her. (GANDY _goes out_, MISS PILLENGER _sits; long pause, -during which no one moves_) Er--wonderful how the--eh--fine weather -lasts! (_another pause_) - - (_Then_ CAROLINE _enters in outdoor costume; she is putting on her - gloves. She comes down the steps and advances quietly to the - table._) - -CAR. You have something to say to me? - -MISS P. Yes, we have. - -CAR. That is fortunate, because I have something to say to you. - -PIL. (MISS PILLENGER _makes to speak_) Hannah, you will greatly oblige -me by remaining silent. We wished, Cook---- - -CAR. (_near chair_ C.) Pardon me, Mr. Pillenger, I have no longer any -claim to that title--I beg to hand in my resignation. - -PIL. You contemplate leaving us? - -CAR. Yes. I've sent for a fly. - -MISS P. Audley, since this lady objects to be referred to as Cook, I -think you should address her by her name--her real name. - -CAR. (_glancing at_ MISS PILLENGER) I doubt if you know it. - -MISS P. We are better informed than you imagine, Mrs. Crayll! - -CAR. Oh, that's it! - -PIL. (_rises_) My dear madam, pray believe the--er--somewhat startling -information came to us unsought. Our informant was that gentleman. -(_points to_ CRAYLL) - -CAR. What gentleman? - -DOR. (_to_ CRAYLL) You can stand up now. (CRAYLL _rises and crosses -down_ L. C., _and advances a step or two_. COOK _turns and sees him_) - -CAR. I see! (_slight pause_) Well, what has he told you? - -MISS P. This gentleman came here this morning to beg us---- - -CAR. To turn me out? - -MISS P. Be that as it may, he is anxious to make an appeal to his, I -fear, misguided wife. - -CAR. Is he indeed? - -CRAY. I've been tellin' 'em I want you to come back--man can't say -more, can he? - -CAR. What else did he tell you? - -MISS P. He mentioned you were a well-known woman in society--and that -you had been living apart from your husband. - -CAR. Quite so! Was that all he said? - -PIL. I think that embraced the whole of Mr. Crayll's statement. -(_pause_) - -CAR. Up to a certain point he told the truth. I did marry him some -years ago. - -MISS P. You concealed the fact when you entered our service. - -CAR. It wasn't a thing I felt inclined to boast of. As he was so -confidential, it seems odd he forgot to tell you we were recently -divorced. - -PIL. Divorced! - -MISS P. Divorced! - -CAR. There is one other thing--I think it is only fair you should know -what a distinguished individual you have been entertaining in the -person of Mr. Crayll. - -CRAY. Keep your infernal tongue between your teeth! - -CAR. This gentleman---- - -CRAY. I shan't stay here to be baited--and badgered. (_going_) - -DOR. (_advancing_) You'll stay where you are! - -CAR. This gentleman is Lord Huntworth, I am--I was Lady Huntworth. -(_all convey astonishment_) Last night Lord Huntworth dropped in the -kitchen a letter. It was from a firm of solicitors. - -CRAY. (_putting his hand to his breast pocket_) Damn! - -CAR. Telling him I had inherited a large sum of money. Lord Huntworth -is rather hard up just now. There is nothing unusual in the -circumstance, but I mention it because it explains the reason of his -generous offer to condone the past. (_pause_) Here is your letter; -(_producing it_) you needn't trouble to answer it--I shall call on -Messrs. Brampton and Stokes in the course of the day. (CRAYLL _snatches -the letter_) I don't think we need detain you any longer, need we? -(CRAYLL _turns for hat_ L., _snarls at_ DORVASTON _and exits up steps_; -CAROLINE _watches him off_) - -PIL. Is it actually the case that you are the Lady Huntworth? - -CAR. (_turns to the_ PILLENGERS) Yes, I am the Lady Huntworth who is so -widely and so very unfavourably known. (_turns to_ DORVASTON) Would you -oblige me by ringing the bell, Captain Dorvaston? - -DOR. Certainly? (_he does so_) - -CAR. (_again speaking to the_ PILLENGERS) If I thought there was even -a chance that you could understand my doing what I have done I would -try to make it clear to you, but you couldn't--I should only waste your -time and my own. (GANDY _enters_) Gandy, has the fly come? - -GAN. It 'as. - -CAR. Thanks! Good-bye! (_she holds out her hand, he takes it -respectfully_) We've been good friends, haven't we? - -GAN. We 'ave; servin' with you 'as bin a honour. (_exit_) - -CAR. (_smiling and to the_ PILLENGERS) Mr. Pillenger--(_he rises_) -You have done everything in your power to render my little experiment -a pleasant one. I am grateful; and if your thoughts should ever turn -in my direction I hope you will let your mind dwell on the excellence -of my curried chicken, rather than on the supposed hopelessness of my -moral character. Good-bye. - -PIL. (_bows sadly_) Good-bye! (_sits disconsolate_; COOK _nods to_ MR. -PILLENGER _pleasantly; then turns and gives a very stately bow to_ MISS -PILLENGER, _who stiffly returns it_; COOK _then goes_ L., _but pauses -as she mounts the steps and speaks to_ DORVASTON) - -CAR. We have already taken leave of each other, but it has occurred to -me that perhaps you might care to let me hear from you. I am leaving -England for some time, but that address will find me. (_gives a card to -him_) Poste Restante, Brussels. - -DOR. Poste Restante, Brussels. - -CAR. Yes. Good-bye! - -DOR. (_with a sigh_) Good-bye! (_sits down on settle; she goes out_) - - (_After she has gone_ DORVASTON _sits pensively on the settle; - there is a pause; all three sit staring at nothing; then_ GANDY - _enters with newspapers at window; he goes to_ PILLENGER.) - -GAN. (_crosses to_ R. _to_ PILLENGER) "Standard!" (PILLENGER _takes -it, but allows it to drop by his side_; GANDY _then crosses to_ MISS -PILLENGER) "Church Times!" (_he then crosses to_ DORVASTON _and hands -him the other paper_) "Sportin' Life!" (PILLENGER _and_ DORVASTON _pick -up papers and try to read_; MISS DORVASTON _reads_, GANDY _goes up two -steps, then turns_) 'Ow about dinner? - -PIL. Eh? - -DOR. What? - -GAN. 'Ow about dinner? - -PIL. Don't dare allude to it. (_rises and sits at exit_) - -DOR. Get out of the room! (_rises and sits at exit_) - - (GANDY _goes out, the two men open their papers firmly and - begin to read_; LUCY _enters at window followed nervously by_ - THORSBY--LUCY _dragging him into_ C.; LUCY _is_ L. C., THORSBY R. - C.) - -LUCY. Good-morning, everybody! - -MISS P. Good morning! - -PIL. (_not looking up_) Good morning! - -DOR. (_doing the same_) Good morning! - -LUCY. I've brought Mr. Thorsby with me. - -MISS P. Good day, Mr. Thorsby! (_he bows_) - -DOR. (_not looking round_) Ah, Thorsby! (THORSBY _bows_) - -DOR. (_not looking round_) How are you, Thorsby? (THORSBY _bows once -more_) - -LUCY. We've just been married. - - MISS P. } What? (_all rise and throw down papers_; - PIL. } DORVASTON _immediately takes Bradshaw off_ - DOR. } _mantel and sits on settle looking out trains_) - -LUCY. Uncle, it wasn't Harry's doing, so if you feel riled you -must pitch into me. I'm responsible. Harry hated the deception all -through--didn't you? - -THOR. I---- - -LUCY. All right, don't interrupt. We started early, biked over to -Ingledene Church--did the trick--rode back, and we want everybody's -blessing, and a good breakfast. - -PIL. As you are practically independent of my control I fear I have no -power to withhold the blessing. The good breakfast may be less easily -obtained. - -LUCY. Why? - -PIL. Cook has left us? (_crosses up to desk_ R., _kicking the papers -from his feet viciously as he goes_) - -LUCY. Oh! I'm sorry! She got up early, and made us some coffee, (_takes -hat up_ R. C.) - -DOR. Then she knew? - -LUCY. Of course she did! I told her. - -MISS P. She would naturally take a prominent part in any duplicity. -(_crossing to window_; THORSBY _goes up after her to make his peace_) - -LUCY. That's all rot. She was a real good sort--a long way better than -most of us (_she goes to_ DORVASTON) Jack, old boy! - -DOR. Yes, little woman? (_sitting_ L. _looking at Bradshaw_) - -LUCY. You're the only one that matters. I cared for Harry--and you -didn't care for me--did you? Tell me you didn't, or I shall hate -myself. You'd have married me and tried to look pleasant, but it would -have taken you all your time. Now, Jack, I want to hear you take your -oath you don't mind. - -DOR. (_rises_) Mind! (_rings bell, returns, and takes_ LUCY _by both -hands_) My dear child, you don't know what a turn you've done me by -throwing me over for a better man. Mind? (_crosses to_ THORSBY, _claps -him on the shoulder_) My dear Thorsby, I wish you all the luck you -could wish yourself--and you'll get it! A chap who could carry out a -thing of this kind in such an exceptional way has all the makings of a -future bishop. (GANDY _enters_) Pack my things at once; I must catch -the 11:15 to town. (GANDY _goes out_) - -LUCY. Going to leave us? - -DOR. (_crosses to_ LUCY) I must, little woman--but I won't forget -to send you a wedding present--silver mug--no, that's later! (LUCY -_crosses to_ THORSBY U. B. _To_ PILLENGER) Good-bye, sir. (PILLENGER -_rises, and they shake hands across the table, he then sits again_) -Keep your head up and your liver active. - -PIL. Good-bye! - -DOR. (_to_ MISS PILLENGER) Good-bye, ma'am. I mean to be quite -respectable by the time we meet again. (_they shake hands_) - -MISS P. I hope so. - -DOR. (_to_ THORSBY) Good-bye, young fellah! Give that little filly her -head, and she won't want the whip. (_crosses_ L. _of_ LUCY _and the -others_) Good-bye, little woman! (_kisses her_) God bless you! (_kisses -her--runs up steps_) - -LUCY. Good-bye, dear old boy! (_leans over balustrade; he is going_) -You'll let us hear from you? - -DOR. Yes! (_runs up steps_) - -LUCY. Where will a letter find you? - -DOR. (_hastily taking out card and looking at it. Turns to her_) Poste -Restante, Brussels! (_as he goes off the_ - - CURTAIN FALLS. - - - - - - TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES - - - Silently corrected simple spelling, grammar, and typographical - errors. - - Retained anachronistic and non-standard spellings as printed. - - Enclosed italics font in _underscores_. - - Enclosed distinctive font in ~tildes~. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Lady Huntworth's Experiment, by -Richard Claude Carton - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT *** - -***** This file should be named 50097-8.txt or 50097-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/0/0/9/50097/ - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, Clarity and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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} -.ph4 { font-size: medium; margin: 1.12em auto; } - -.xxsmall {font-size: xx-small;} -.xsmall {font-size: x-small;} -.small {font-size: small;} -.medium {font-size: medium;} -.large {font-size: large;} -.xlarge {font-size: x-large;} -.xxlarge {font-size: xx-large;} - -div#titlepage { - text-align: center; - page-break-before: always; - page-break-after: always; -} -div#titlepage p { - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; - font-weight: bold; - line-height: 1.5; - margin-top: 3em; -} - -div.chapter {page-break-before: always;} - -/* Case Study: Title Pages */ - -div#halftitle -{ - text-align: center; - page-break-before: always; - page-break-after: always; -} -@media screen -{ - #halftitle - { - margin: 6em 0; - } -} -@media print, handheld -{ - #halftitle - { - page-break-before: always; - page-break-after: always; - margin: 0; - padding-top: 6em; - } -} - -/* Easy Epub/Cover */ - -.covercaption {font-weight: bold; font-size: small;} -@media handheld { - .covercaption { display: none; } -} - -div.tnotes {background-color: #eeeeee; border: 1px solid black; padding: 1em;} -.covernote {visibility: hidden; display: none;} -@media handheld { - .covernote {visibility: visible; display: block;} -} - - </style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -Project Gutenberg's Lady Huntworth's Experiment, by Richard Claude Carton - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Lady Huntworth's Experiment - An original comedy in three acts - -Author: Richard Claude Carton - -Release Date: September 30, 2015 [EBook #50097] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT *** - - - - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, Clarity and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) - - - - - - -</pre> - -<div class="tnotes covernote"> - <p>The cover image was created by the transcriber and is placed in the public domain.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> -<div id="titlepage"> - -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h1>LADY HUNTWORTH'S -EXPERIMENT</h1> - -<p class="xlarge"><span class="old-english">An Original Comedy in Three Acts</span></p> - - -<p class="p6">BY<br /> -<span class="xlarge">R. C. CARTON<br /></span> -AUTHOR OF "LIBERTY HALL," ETC., ETC., ETC.</p> - -<p class="p6"><span class="smcap">Copyright, 1904, by Samuel French.</span></p> - -<p class="p6">CAUTION:—Professionals and Amateurs are hereby notified -that this play is fully copyrighted under the existing laws of -the United States Government, and nobody is allowed -to do this play without first having obtained -permission of Samuel French, 24 West -22d St., New York City, U. S. A.</p> - -<p class="p6"><span class="smcap">New York</span><br /> -<span class="large">SAMUEL FRENCH<br /></span> -PUBLISHER<br /> -24 WEST 22<span class="smcap">D</span> STREET</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">London</span><br /> -<span class="large">SAMUEL FRENCH, <span class="smcap">Ltd.</span><br /></span> -<span class="smcap">26 Southampton St.<br /> -Strand, London, W. C.</span> -</p> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2><a name="LADY_HUNTWORTHS_EXPERIMENT" id="LADY_HUNTWORTHS_EXPERIMENT">LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT.</a></h2> - -<p class="center"><i>Produced at the Criterion Theatre, London, 26th April, 1900.</i> -</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="CHARACTERS."> -<caption>CHARACTERS.</caption> - - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Captain Dorvaston</span> (late Bengal Cavalry)</td> - <td>Mr. Arthur Bourchier.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Rev. Audley Pillenger</span> (Vicar of - Stillford, in the parish of Droneborough)</td> - <td>Mr. Eric Lewis.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Rev. Henry Thorsby</span> (his Curate)</td> - <td>Mr. A. E. Matthews.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Gandy</span> (Man-servant at the Vicarage)</td> - <td>Mr. Ernest Hendrie.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Newspaper Boy</span></td> - <td>Master R. Denny.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Mr. Crayll</span></td> - <td>Mr. Dion Boucicault.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Miss Hannah Pillenger</span> (Rev. Audley's - sister)</td> - <td>Miss Fanny Coleman.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Lucy Pillenger</span> (their Niece)</td> - <td>Miss Gertrude Elliot.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Keziah</span> (Servant at the Vicarage)</td> - <td>Miss Polly Emery.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Caroline Rayward</span> (Cook at the - Vicarage)</td> - <td>Miss Compton.</td> - </tr> -</table></div> - - - - -<p class="center"><a href="#ACT_I">ACT I.</a></p> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Vicarage Garden.</span>—Morning.</p> - -<p class="center"><a href="#ACT_II">ACT II.</a></p> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Vicarage Kitchen.</span>—The same evening.</p> - -<p class="center"><a href="#ACT_III">ACT III.</a></p> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Vicarage Library.</span>—Next morning. -</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<div class="caption"><p><i>Act I.</i> <i>Scene Plot.</i></p></div> -<img src="images/illus_003.jpg" width="700" height="334" alt="" /> - -<div class="caption"><p><i>Scene—Back of Vicarage with Garden.</i></p></div> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<div class="caption"><p><span class="smcap">Plan of Breakfast Table.—Act I.</span></p></div> -<img src="images/illus_004.jpg" width="700" height="691" alt="" /> - -<div class="caption"><p>FACING DOWN STAGE.</p></div> -</div> - - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p><i>Note 1.</i>—Those articles <i>not</i> marked with an asterisk are -discovered.</p> - -<p><i>Note 2.</i>—Those articles marked with an asterisk are -brought on.</p> - -<p><i>Note 3.</i>—Great care must be used in setting the table.</p></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<div class="caption"><p><i>Act II.</i> <i>Scene Plot.</i></p></div> -<img src="images/illus_005.jpg" width="700" height="314" alt="" /> - -<div class="caption"><p><i>Scene—Vicar's Kitchen.</i></p></div> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 475px;"> -<div class="caption"><p><i>Act II.</i></p> - -<p><i>Position of Articles discovered and where -placed when brought on, which must be very -exact</i></p></div> -<img src="images/illus_006.jpg" width="475" height="700" alt="" /> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> -<div class="caption"><p><i>Act III.</i> <i>Scene Plot.</i></p></div> -<img src="images/illus_007.jpg" width="700" height="252" alt="" /> - -<div class="caption"><p><i>Scene—Vicar's Study.</i></p></div> -</div> - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="PROPERTY PLOT"> - <tr> - <th>ACT I.</th> - <th>PROPERTY PLOT.</th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Circular Table, <span class="smcap">L.C.</span></td> - <td>4 Rustic Chairs, Round Table, <span class="smcap">L.C.</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Seat round Tree, <span class="smcap">R.C.</span></td> - <td>Parsley-bed, <span class="smcap">L.I.E.</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Small Rustic Table, <span class="smcap">L.</span> of Tree <span class="smcap">R.C.</span></td> - <td>Bench in front of Window.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Table Cloth</td> - <td rowspan="12" class="tdc bl bb bt"><i>Discovered set on Breakfast Table on Butler's Tray</i> <span class="smcap">L.C.</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>4 Napkins in Rings</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>4 Large Plates</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>4 Small Plates</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>4 Cups, Saucers, and Spoons</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>4 Large Knives and Forks</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>4 Small Knives</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Large Fork and Spoon</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>1 Cruet</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Slop Basin</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Milk in Jug</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Sugar in Basin with Tongs</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Butter in Dish with Knife</td> - <td rowspan="9" class="tdc bl bb bt"><i>All off</i> <span class="smcap">L.O.E.</span> - <i>for</i> - <span class="smcap">Gandy</span>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Jam in Dish with Spoon</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Toast in Toast-rack</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Kidneys in Entrée Dish</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Tea in Tea-pot (4 people)</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Large Oval Salver</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Large Circular Salver</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Small Card Salver</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>3 Eggs in stand and Spoons</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>2 White Pudding Basins</td> - <td rowspan="9" class="tdc bl bb bt"><i>All off</i> <span class="smcap">L.U.E.</span> - <i>for</i> - <span class="smcap">Caroline</span>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Fork</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>White China Dish</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>2 Eggs in Basin</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Bottle Salad Oil</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Medium-sized Salver</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Syphon of Potash</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Whiskey in Decanter</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>2 Tumblers.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2" class="tdc">Door Bell to Ring in Kitchen.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Letters in Tree <span class="smcap">R.C.</span>, <i>Discovered</i>.</td> - <td>Letters for Thorsby, <span class="smcap">L.</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>"Standard" with par.</td> - <td rowspan="3" class="tdc bl bb bt"><i>In American cloth Wrapper for Boy off</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>"Sporting Life"</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>6 various papers</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Flowers in Bowl for Lucy <i>off</i> <span class="smcap">L.U.E.</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Five Letters for Gandy <i>off</i> <span class="smcap">R.U.E.</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Tobacco Pouch</td> - <td rowspan="4" class="tdc bl bb bt"><i>For</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Pipe</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Matches and Match-box</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Marriage Settlement</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Orchid for <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>off</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> "2" <span class="smcap">E.</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Cigars in case for <span class="smcap">Crayll</span>.</td> - <td>Chimes <i>off</i> <span class="smcap">L.U.E.</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <th>ACT II.</th> - <th>PROPERTY PLOT.</th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Kitchen Table, <span class="smcap">L.C.</span></td> - <td>2 Kitchen Chairs.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Kettle on Stove.</td> - <td>Cake in Tin in Oven down Stage.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Kitchen Fender and Fire-irons.</td> - <td>Hearth-rug.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Clock</td> - <td rowspan="3" class="tdc bl bb bt"><i>On Mantelpiece.</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Tin Jelly Moulds</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Candlesticks</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Jelly Moulds on Walls above Mantel.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Candle in Stand and Matches on Bracket above Fireplace.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Meal-sack above Fireplace.</td> - <td>Towel on Roller above Meat-Jack.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Plates in Rack above Sink</td> - <td rowspan="2" class="tdc bl bb bt"><i>In Scullery.</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Warm Water in Bowl on Sink</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Work-box containing Pudding Cloth, Needle, &c.</td> - <td rowspan="4" class="tdc bl bb bt"><i>All in Window.</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Glass Tray</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Newspaper ("Standard")</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Plate Basket</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>1 Meat Cover on Wall over Meat-Jack.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Almanac on Wall.</td> - <td>Brooms and Pail in Cupboard.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Looking-glass on Flat between Garden-door and Larder.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Mat outside Garden-door.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Cheese Dish</td> - <td rowspan="3" class="tdc bl bb bt"><i>In Larder.</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Large Butter Dish</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Fruit Salad</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>4 Cheese Plates</td> - <td rowspan="3" class="tdc bl bb bt"><i>On Dresser.</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>4 Fruit Plates</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>1 Wine Glass</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Dresser Furnished.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>2 Glass Cloths</td> - <td rowspan="2" class="tdc bl bb bt"><i>In Kitchen Table Drawer.</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>"Family Herald"</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Orchid in Specimen-glass in Window.</td> - <td>Stuffed Fish in Cases.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Ham on Dish for Keziah.</td> - <td>Canary in Cage, hanging in Window.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Salmon on Dish</td> - <td rowspan="7" class="tdc bl bb bt"><i>Discovered on Table.</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>4 Plates</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>4 Fish Knives and Forks</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>4 Teaspoons</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Piece of Rag</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Radishes in Water in Bowl</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Radishes in Dish</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>2 Chickens on Dish</td> - <td rowspan="4" class="tdc bl bb bt"><i>1st Load on Butler's Tray.</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Salad Bowl</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>4 Plates</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>4 Knives and Forks</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Fruit Salad</td> - <td rowspan="2" class="tdc bl bb bt"><i>2nd Load.</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>4 Plates, Forks, and Spoons</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Whiskey Syphon and Glass</td> - <td rowspan="5" class="tdc bl bb bt"><i>3rd Load.</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>4 Tumblers, 4 Claret Glasses</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Bread Platter and Knife</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Cheese Dish and Butter Dish</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Radish Dish, 4 Knives, and 4 Plates</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2" class="tdc"><span class="smcap">Hand Properties.</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Hand-bag for <span class="smcap">Gandy</span></td> - <td rowspan="3" class="tdc bl bb bt"><i>Off</i> <span class="smcap">R.I.E.</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Music Case for <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Cigars in Case</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Pins for <span class="smcap">Caroline</span>.</td> - <td>Letter in Letter-case for <span class="smcap">Crayll</span>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <th>ACT III.</th> - <th>PROPERTY PLOT.</th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Oak Table <span class="smcap">R.C.</span> and Cover.</td> - <td>3 Oak Chairs <span class="smcap">R.L.</span> and Top of Table.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Davenport <span class="smcap">R.</span> Oak Chair at Davenport.</td> - <td>Armchair in Alcove <span class="smcap">L.</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Library Steps Alcove <span class="smcap">R.</span></td> - <td>Settle above Fireplace.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Fender and Fire-irons.</td> - <td>2 Large Rugs.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Stair Carpet and Rods on Stairs.</td> - <td>Pictures on Walls.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>"Bradshaw"</td> - <td rowspan="2" class="tdc bl bb bt"><i>On Mantelpiece dt.</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Box of Safety Matches</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Electric Push below Fireplace.</td> - <td>Books in Bookcase.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>2 pairs Green Plush Curtains and 1 single ditto.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>2 Spring Blinds fitted to Window.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td colspan="2" class="tdc"><span class="smcap">Hand Properties.</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>2 Coffee Cups (coloured)</td> - <td rowspan="4" class="tdc bl bb bt"><i>All on Japanese Tray for</i> - <span class="smcap">Caroline</span>, <span class="smcap">L.</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Milk in Milk-jug</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Sugar in Basin and Tongs</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Bread and Butter on Plate</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Lady's shoe</td> - <td rowspan="2" class="tdc bl bb bt"><i>For</i> <span class="smcap">Caroline</span>, <span class="smcap">L.</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Sprig of Syringa</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Cigarettes in Case for <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Wedding Ring for <span class="smcap">Thorsby</span>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Lawyer's Letter for <span class="smcap">Caroline</span>.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>Papers:—</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdp">"Standard," "Sporting Life."</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class="tdp">"Church Times" for <span class="smcap">Gandy</span>, <span class="smcap">R.</span></td> - </tr> -</table></div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>NOTE.—Properties are marked with a small asterisk -showing their position.</p> - -<p>The crosses with numbers in Act I. show where the chairs -are moved to; the C. one is not moved at all.</p> - -<p>All doors want proper locks on. The gate in Act I. -wants a latch and spring to make it spring to.</p> - -<p>Inside Broom Cupboard must have small bolt for <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> -to bolt when inside.</p> - -<p>The down-stage oven must open to receive cake in tin. -It should have iron fixings on to make realistic noise.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p> - - - - -<p class="ph2"><a name="LADY_HUNTWORTHS_EXPERIMENT2" id="LADY_HUNTWORTHS_EXPERIMENT2">LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT.</a></p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_I" id="ACT_I">ACT I.</a></h3> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Scene.</span>—<i>The Vicarage Garden, according to plan.</i></p> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Time.</span>—<i>Early morning.</i> -</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<i>After the curtain rises</i> <span class="smcap">Thorsby</span> <i>enters at gate</i> <span class="smcap">L. I. E.</span>, -<i>looks at French window, crosses and looks at kitchen -window, goes over cautiously to the tree</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>; <i>he mounts -on the seat and extracts a letter from the cavity in -the tree, replacing it with one of his own; he then -stands leaning against the tree, while he opens, kisses, -and begins to read the letter; while he is doing this</i>, -<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>comes out of the house with toast in rack and -jam on dish on salver; he catches sight of</i> <span class="smcap">Thorsby</span>; -<i>crosses to top of table</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p></div> - - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Good morning, Mr. Thorsby!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> (<i>startled, squashes letter into his pocket</i>) -Eh! Oh, good morning! I was—I—wanted to see Mr. -Pillenger.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Mr. Pillenger ain't much in the 'abit of climbin' -trees before breakfast. (<i>puts jam on table</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> No, of course not. (<i>he jumps down</i>) I -thought I saw a bird's nest, (<i>looks</i>) I was mistaken; -but feeling (<span class="smcap">Boy</span> <i>heard whistling the A.M.B.</i>) rather -warm after my walk, I fancied it would be cooler under -the branches. My object, in fact, was——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Shady! (<i>crosses down</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span> <i>of table</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> What?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> I was sayin' it's shady under the h'oak. (<i>puts -toast on table</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Exactly.</p> - -<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Newsboy</span> <i>enters at gate, crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span> <i>and calls towards -kitchen window</i>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Boy.</span> Papiers!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Late again! (<i>crosses in front of table</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Boy.</span> No, I ain't. (<i>turns and faces</i> <span class="smcap">Gandy</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Yes, you h'are. (<i>looks at silver watch</i>) Four -minutes and a half late. (<span class="smcap">Thorsby</span> <i>sits</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>and reads -letter</i>) Your prospects of a Christmas-box are darkenin' -week by week.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Boy.</span> Well, but I say, Gandy! (<i>crosses down</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Mr. Gandy! A leetle more respect might assist -your grandmother's next h'application to the coal and -blanket fund. Now, is this to-day's "Standard?"</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Boy.</span> Yus! (<i>giving it</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Very good. And the other papers?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Boy.</span> "Sportin' Life!" (<i>gives it</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> "Sporting Life!" (<span class="smcap">Boy</span> <i>sees jam, and works -round to top of table</i>) That's rather an innovation, isn't -it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> (<i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">Thorsby</span> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) It's for Captain Dorvaston. -We deplore it, but we're 'elpless. (<i>places -papers on table</i> <span class="smcap">R. C.</span>, <i>startles</i> <span class="smcap">Boy</span> <i>and comes towards -him</i>. <span class="smcap">Boy</span> <i>backs towards gate. To</i> <span class="smcap">Boy</span>) Go along with -you, and, mind me, if there's any more tip-cat down -our road, I call at the police station.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Boy.</span> All right. Keep your 'air on. (<i>goes off, singing -the chorus of A.M.B.</i>)</p> - -<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>comes out of house with bowl of flowers</i>.)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Good morning, Mr. Thorsby! (<span class="smcap">C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Good morning! (<i>rises</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> You're an early visitor. (<i>puts bowl on table</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Yes, I—I was——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> (<i>has crossed and turns at porch</i>) Bird's -nestin'! (<i>he goes in through porch</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> (<i>they both watch him off</i>, <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>goes up a -little and down again</i>) What does he mean?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> He caught me standing up on that seat. I -had just found your letter, (<i>she hushes him</i>) and I -had to give some explanation.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> And couldn't you rise to anything better than -that? My dear Harry, what an idiot you are.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> You see, I greatly dislike any deviation from -the truth.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Truth is a luxury very few of us can afford. -When you and I are married——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> (<i>advancing</i>) Darling! (<i>rushes to embrace -her, she waves him off</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Stay where you are! All the back windows -have eyes to them. Muslin curtains don't count. When -we are married—— (<i>crosses</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> In fact, after to-morrow——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Oh, Harry, do shut up a minute. You object -to shams, how is a properly organised household to be -carried on without 'em? (<i>sits</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>of breakfast table</i>) -Suppose I'm up to my neck in something important—putting -finishing touches to a new ball-dress, we'll say—and -some female horror calls—mustn't I be out because -I happen to be at home? Deviation from the -truth! My dear boy, I should deviate for all I was -worth. So you got my letter?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> And your answer?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> I posted it in our usual letter box. (<i>going to -tree</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> All right, I'll get it directly. Does it give -full directions?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> I think so. (<i>comes</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Got the special license?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Yes. (<i>makes to embrace her, she puts him off -and points to windows</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> You've arranged with old Bristowe?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> And we bike over to Ingledene Church—what -time? Early of course?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> I said nine.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Very well. (<i>rises</i>) Now you'd better go. (<i>he -objects</i>) They'll be coming out to breakfast.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> (<i>again advancing</i>) Darling!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> (<i>motions him off again</i>) Back windows! -(<i>crosses up</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span> <i>to house to see if they have been seen</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> (<i>turning towards her</i>) I was going to say -that I can't help regretting the way we are treating -Captain Dorvaston.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> You mind your own business. (<i>she crosses -down</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>and leans on rustic table</i>) Captain Dorvaston -is in my department.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> I never fully understood how you came to be -engaged. (<i>crosses to her</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Simple enough. My father was a colonel who<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> -did some rather big things on the Indian frontier, and -in a dust up with one of the native Princes got himself -into rather a tight corner. Jack Dorvaston—he was -only a subaltern then—pulled him out of it, and in fact -saved his life; so when the governor died a year or two -later, he left a strong wish behind that the Captain -should marry me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> I understand.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> (<i>crosses round and sits on tree seat</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>) It -was a queer way of showing his gratitude, seeing that -I was then a particularly unattractive child, all elbows -and knees.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Lucy!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> It's all right, don't be nervous; time has -softened them down. (<i>beckons him nearer</i>) I have a -notion that Jack has always funked the thing, but his -colonel had given his orders, (<i>he sits on table</i>) don't -you see? And that was enough for <i>him</i>. I don't regard -discipline—military or parental—with the same amount -of respect. British freedom means the right to make a -fool of one's self in one's own way. You're my way, -and that's enough for <i>you</i>. (<i>he tries to take her hand, -she draws it away</i>) Back windows!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> I suppose no one guesses that we——?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Mean business! No, with the exception possibly -of Cook.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Cook! (<i>he looks at her in surprise</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Somehow I've a notion she's tumbled to it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Would it matter? Would she——?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Prattle about it? No, I think she rather likes -me—tolerates would be a better word.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Tolerates? A woman of that class?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Cook is a very great personage; she rules the -vicarage. Auntie made a show of resistance at first, -but Uncle and Jack have been abject slaves from the -start.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Really?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Oh yes; when a woman is striking in appearance, -evidently has a past history, and can make an -omelette, I don't see what's going to stop her.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> What's her history?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> How should I know? She was recommended -to us by the Duchess of Sturton at the time she opened -the bazaar—you remember. Local philanthropic?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Then you've nothing tangible to go on?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Not from a masculine standpoint. (<i>rises</i>) -Cook doesn't give herself away, but, like Achilles, she -has one vulnerable point, and in the same locality.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> How is that? (<i>rising with</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> She wears the neatest, quietest shoes imaginable, -only I happened to notice they have Louis heels. -(<i>he looks in wonder</i>) That tells you nothing—the inference -is too subtle; but it's quite enough for me. -(<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>appears with butter on tray, he comes right -of table</i>) Make a dignified clerical exit—here comes -Gandy.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> (<i>takes hat and backs to</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) I think I won't -wait, Miss Lucy. (<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>coughs</i>, <span class="smcap">Thorsby</span> <i>turns nervously, -and looks at him</i>) So will you kindly give my -message to Mr. Pillenger?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Certainly!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Thank you. (<i>crosses to gate</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>) Good morning!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Good morning. (<i>he looks towards</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span>—<i>catches</i> -<span class="smcap">Gandy's</span> <i>eye and exits through gate</i>. <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>is -applauding his exit when</i> <span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>turns and hides her -action</i>. <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>sits on garden chair and opens the -"Standard"</i>) Gandy! what is there for breakfast? -(<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>has crossed to top of table and placed butter -on it</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> H'eggs!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Poached?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Biled.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Auntie said poached.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Cook said biled.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Oh! There's some fish, isn't there?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Kidneys.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> But Auntie particularly mentioned fish.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Cook thought kidneys would be <i>preferable</i>.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Oh! (<i>she reads paper</i>)</p> - -<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Mr. Pillenger</span> <i>comes out</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span> <i>looking at his watch</i>.)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Ah, Lucy! breakfast not ready? (<span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>rises -and crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Breakfast is late—as usual.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> As usual? What do you mean by as usual?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> I mean—as usual. (<i>returns to seat</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Cook is most punctual. If some trivial hitch -has occurred this morning, I daresay a perfectly reasonable -explanation will be forthcoming. (<i>takes "Sporting -Life" off table</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Kidneys was late! (<i>at table</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Kidneys was late! (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span>)—er—were late. -I knew it! That man Skeggs' meat—which I more than -suspect of being colonial—is never delivered in time.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> -(<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Gandy</span>) Explain to Cook that the delay is of no -consequence, and beg her not to hurry.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> (<i>speaking as he goes</i>) She won't hurry! (<i>he -goes into the house</i>; <span class="smcap">Pil.</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>look at each other</i>; -<span class="smcap">Pil.</span> <i>then opens paper and sees his mistake</i>.)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>takes "Standard" from</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span>) If I shall not -be depriving you of the "Standard"——?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Not at all! (<i>she picks up "Sporting Life"</i>) -I'll have a look at Jack's "Sporting Life."</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>crossing to table, turn to her</i>) By the way, -during the—I trust—brief interval of time that must -elapse before your marriage with Captain Dorvaston, -you might hint to him that the newspaper he favours -is at variance with the general tone of a pious household.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> I'll mention it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I am obliged to you. (<i>crosses and sits</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> <i>comes out through French window</i>.)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Good morning, Audley!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Good morning. (<span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>rises, crosses and kisses</i> -<span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> <i>and returns</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Well, Lucy!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Good morning, Auntie.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Is breakfast not ready? (<i>looking at table -through glasses</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> No, it isn't ready—not quite ready. I have no -doubt it's <i>nearly</i> ready.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> I shall really have to speak sharply to Cook. -(<i>moves towards kitchen</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I see no necessity for any—er—drastic step of -that description. The delay is due to that man Skeggs.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Skeggs? (<i>returns to</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Skeggs. It is also traceable, in a minor degree -to yourself—your injudicious selection of kidneys.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Kidneys?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Yes; you are aware of my preference for fish, -and therefore I consider the substitution of kidneys——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> I ordered fish—and I did <i>not</i> order kidneys. -Cook is entirely responsible for the change, and I shall -certainly—— (<i>moves towards kitchen again</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Hannah! Hannah! If Cook understood your -order, which is by no means obvious (<span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> -<i>crosses round and sits</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>), she was doubtless influenced -by—er—by Lucy's partiality for kidneys.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> I never touch them.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Well, she couldn't know that. Really I think -this discussion has been sufficiently prolonged.</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>comes out with breakfast. He places large salver -with tea in tea-pot, dish of kidneys, and eggs in stand -on chair at top</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>of table</i>. <span class="smcap">Mr. Pillenger</span> <i>hands -him the "Standard," which he puts on back of chair. -He then places eggs and dish of kidneys on table, takes -tea-pot and tray up, and crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span> <i>to place it in -position; he then removes cover of kidney dish, and -slowly exits through porch</i>.)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Here is the breakfast. Let us endeavor to approach -it in a seemly spirit. Where is Captain Dorvaston? -(<span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>) Upon my word, Lucy, considering -the ties that will unite you, I hope <i>very</i> shortly, -to Captain Dorvaston, I think he might conform to my -rules.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Jack was late last night. (<i>sits and takes -napkin out of ring</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> He <i>was</i>. Creaking boots after midnight are a -serious infliction.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> I'll call up to him if you like.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I should be indebted. (<span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>rises and goes up</i> -<span class="smcap">C.</span> <span class="smcap">Mr. Pillenger</span> <i>takes napkin out of ring and puts it -inside his collar</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> (<i>goes up stage</i>) Jack! Jack! (<span class="smcap">Captain Dorvaston</span> -<i>opens window, he is in his shirt sleeves</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Hulloa!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Breakfast!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> What say, little woman?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Breakfast! Kidneys! Devilled! (<span class="smcap">Mr. Pillenger</span>, -<span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>all start</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Tut! tut! Broiled—broiled!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Right-O! down in a minute! (<i>he shuts the -window.</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>returns to the table</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> What are your plans for to-day, Audley? -(<span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> <i>has undone napkin and is pouring out -tea</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I expect to be rather busy.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> It's sermon day, isn't it? (<i>hands toast to</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. -Pillenger</span>, <i>and takes an egg and toast herself</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> It <i>is</i>. So I trust your piano practice will be -reduced to a minimum.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> I'm going down to the village. I suppose -you'll have broken the back of it by lunch time.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Possibly—probably!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p> - -<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>comes out from French window; takes</i> -<span class="smcap">Lucy's</span> <i>hand between both his caressingly</i>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> 'Fraid I'm a bit late. How are you, sir? (<i>bowing -to</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Pillenger</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> In my ordinary health, I am obliged to you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> You look astonishing fit. (<i>sits</i>) Now d'you -know, I feel as jumpy as a flea.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Captain Dorvaston!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Fact, ma'am! (<i>takes his napkin out of ring</i>) -How are <i>you</i> this morning?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Without being actually indisposed, I feel—— (<i>hands -tea to</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Chippy—I know; same here. Where are those -kidneys you were shouting about, Lucy? (<span class="smcap">Mr. Pillenger</span> -<i>hands them</i>) Thanks! (<span class="smcap">Mr. Pillenger</span> <i>passes kidneys -to</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>, <i>which he serves himself</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> You kept it up again last night, Jack?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I had a gentle flutter at the Plough and Rainbow. -There was a little pool, so of course I went in.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> I hope you changed your things, (<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> -<i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>laugh</i>) Captain Dorvaston. Damp clothing -is so very dangerous.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Pool is a kind of billiards, Auntie.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Oh, I misunderstood! Your tea, Captain -Dorvaston. (<i>she hands tea to</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Thank you, ma'am. (<span class="smcap">Pillenger</span> <i>hands salt, -etc.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> How did you do over it? (<i>hands toast to</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> So so. I took a few lives at the finish.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Dear me! It sounds rather a bloodthirsty -pastime.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> There was a man there named Crayll—nailing -good player! Potted 'em just as he liked. He seemed -to be a thirsty little beggar. I should say he took a -bit of knowing.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Who's that, Jack?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> This fellah Crayll. He's stopping at the Plough -and Thingummy—we're going to try a horse together.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> To-day?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Yes. Said he'd call round some time this morning. -(<i>pause</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Hannah, we must dine earlier this evening, in -view of the Penny Reading.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Another of those festive gatherings! Hope you -don't expect me to tip 'em anything this time?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> No, Captain Dorvaston; your contribution on<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> -the last occasion may have been well intentioned—I -judge no man, and will hope so——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Thought it was just the thing to wake 'em up -after that Shakespearian bit of yours—The Ball of -Worsted.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> The Fall of Wolsey!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> I was not present last time. What did Captain -Dorvaston read?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> It was an account of the last American glove -fight, don't you know?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Oh!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Described with a wealth of technical detail. -(<i>hands his cup to</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span>) The whole occurrence -was most regrettable. I was observing, Hannah, -we shall have to dine earlier——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> I had some idea of making it a cold meal.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Cold meal! A most unpleasant suggestion. -Cold food, especially in the evening, has a tendency to -lie heavy on the stom—er—that is, I see nothing feasible -in the notion.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Oh no, hang it all, ma'am! Cold stuff ain't the -kind of thing to do a Penny Reading on.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> I thought under the circumstances it might -be easier for Cook.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Eh?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> What? (<i>long pause, the men look at her</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> But as you both object——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Hold on, ma'am!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> One moment, Hannah!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> I will explain to Cook.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Hannah! Hannah! You're so hasty.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Hannah—ma'am—pity to be hasty.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> If you will permit me to explain myself, Captain -Dorvaston? I have no wish, Hannah, to add weight -to Cook's very arduous duties.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Hear, hear! (<i>slaps the table</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>raising his voice</i>) And therefore it seems to -me—er—unmanly to lay stress upon possible digestive -difficulties which fortitude and a little pepsin should -enable us to face with calmness. Let the meal be a -cold one. (<span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>has folded up napkin again, and taken -"Standard" from back of chair, and is reading it</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Point of fact, it makes a pleasant change.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> But, Audley!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> The question is decided. We will not pursue -the subject. (<i>pause</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span>) Anything in the paper?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> There's something about the Huntworth Divorce -case.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> We have no wish to hear any news relating to -such a matter.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> But it's an old business, ain't it? When I was -at Malta last year, the chaps used to chat about it at -mess.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Lord Huntworth brought the divorce, didn't he?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Yes, Lord Huntworth was the petitioner. It -was a sad case.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I know Bob Carruthers.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Who's he? (<i>rises and crosses up to</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>—<i>still -reading the paper</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> The co——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Tut! tut!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Bob was an extraordinary good chap!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> How can any individual be described as good -who has occupied the position of—er—a co-respondent?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Bob managed it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> You seem to ignore poor Lord Huntworth.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Didn't know Huntworth—did know Bob. He -once lent me a monkey when I wanted it badly—lent -it when <i>he</i> wanted it badly. Devilish good chap!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Tut! tut!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Beg pardon, sir—slipped out.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Did you know <i>Lady</i> Huntworth, Jack? -(<i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>and sits under tree</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> No. Heard she was a nice woman.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Nice?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> So fellahs who met her used to say.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> But I always understood the suit was undefended.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Entirely undefended.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Matrimonial thimblerig is a confusing game to -watch.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Thimblerig?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Three thimbles, don't you know? Husband—wife—and -the other chap. (<span class="smcap">Mr. Pillenger</span> <i>looks up</i>) -Well, what I meant to say was, it ain't easy for the -looker-on to say which thimble the fault is under. By-the-bye, -I saw something in the paper about Lady -Huntworth the other day.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Surely the whole affair is uninteresting and -unsavory?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Noosance to forget a thing! What was the bit -you were reading, Lucy?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> That yesterday the rule was made absolute. -What does that mean?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Only that the time was up. They keep 'em in -blinkers for six months after the verdict. (<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> -<i>draws napkin through the ring</i>) But that wasn't what -I read? What the devil was it now?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Tut! Really! Really! I think we've all finished, -haven't we? (<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>appears with letters, three -of which</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Pillenger</span> <i>takes, and two</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span>) -Hannah, you will probably wish to interview Cook. -(<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>rises, takes chair</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>, <i>sits and begins to load -his pipe</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> I will see her in your presence. (<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> -<i>has come back to top of table</i>) Gandy, will you ask -Cook to come to me? I wish to give her my orders.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> H'orders? (<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>fills pipe and lights it</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Orders.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> I'll name it to her. (<i>slowly exits through porch</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>opening letter, which he holds during the -whole scene with</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span>) Hannah, I would suggest that -whatever you have to say to Cook may be said calmly -and without undue severity.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> (<i>opening letters which she holds during the -whole scene with</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span>) That should be left to my discretion; -a stand must be made somewhere.</p> - -<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Caroline</span> <i>has come out of kitchen during this; she -advances to the table</i>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> You wished to speak to me? (<i>the men turn -and face her</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Yes, Cook. I want to give you the orders -for to-day's dinner.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Certainly! What do you fancy? What would -you all like? (<i>she glances round, both men beam at -her</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Before we speak of that I have a word to -say with regard to the breakfast.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> To-morrow's breakfast?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> No, to-day's. I am very much astonished and -annoyed.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Tut, tut!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> What was wrong with the breakfast? When I -sent it out it looked all right.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Why were my directions disregarded? I -ordered the eggs to be poached—you boiled them; I -mentioned fried bacon—none came to table; I requested -you to procure fish—you gave us kidneys. Now what -have you to say?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I'm afraid I forgot about the eggs? I haven't -any other excuse to offer.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> A most reasonable explanation!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Things do slip one's memory. (<span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> -<i>glares at</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I didn't cook any bacon; it had got rather low, -and I didn't think the result would please you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Impossible to cut rashers from bacon that is—er—practically -non-existent.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Thing no fellah could do! (<span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> -<i>glares at him</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I remember you did mention fish, but you've -had a good deal of fish lately, so I thought I'd try you -with kidneys. But if there has been any inconvenience, -I'm sorry.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> There has been no inconvenience.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> None at all. (<span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> <i>glares at</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Hannah, I think we may pass (as they say in -the House of Commons) to the orders of the day.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Hear, hear! (<span class="smcap">Pillenger</span> <i>looks at him</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Well, Cook, since you express your regret -(<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>laugh</i>) I will say no more. Now -as to this evening, you will be in sole charge of the -house, (<i>both men look up</i>) as I have given Keziah permission -to go to the Penny Reading—so I think we -will make it a cold meal, as that will entail less washing -up.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Just as you like.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> We will begin with salmon.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>reflectively</i>) Salmon? Yes, you might have -salmon.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Pickled salmon.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Oh, no, not pickled! (<i>both men shake their -heads</i>) That would be a pity! I'll make you a mayonnaise.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Delightful!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Rippin'!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I shall want some lettuces. I'll tell Gandy.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> After that we will have two cold ducklings.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Ducklings? It's late for ducklings.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Maturity in poultry is to be deprecated.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Leathery beasts at this time of the year. (<span class="smcap">Miss -Pillenger</span> <i>glares at</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Then why not a gosling?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> It's early for geese.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Deuced early!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Entirely premature.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> When I mentioned a goose I was thinking -of Mr. Pillenger. (<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>laugh</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Tut, tut! Hannah!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Hope, ma'am, when you mentioned a duck, you -were thinking of <i>me</i>.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> I fail to understand you. My brother is exceedingly -partial to goose.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> There's a ham in cut, so I think we'd better -fall back on fowls. It isn't easy to do anything very -novel with cold fowls, but if I stuff and glaze them, I've -no doubt they'll pass muster.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> But, Cook, I——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> You like sweets, of course?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Certainly, you had better make us——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Will you leave the sweets to me? I want to -try a new kind of fruit salad; it's my first attempt, -but you'll find it will be all right—and perhaps I might -throw in a shape of jelly—we'll see.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> But——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> What time will you dine?—at least it isn't dinner—what -time will you sup?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> At seven to-night, instead of half-past.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Seven! I shall be ready. Is there anything -else you wish to say to me?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> No, Cook; I don't suppose anything will be -gained by my saying any more. (<i>turns away and reads -letters</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Very good! (<i>takes kidney dish off table</i>, <span class="smcap">Mr. -Pillenger</span> <i>assisting her; she crosses</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>speaking eagerly</i>) Ah! here's that bit about -Lady Huntworth. (<span class="smcap">Caroline</span> <i>looks round at him in a -startled manner</i>) It's in the Agony column. (<i>reads</i>) -"Will Lady Huntworth communicate with Messrs. -Brampton and Stokes, Capel Court, on a matter of considerable -importance?"</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Why should we resume the discussion of that -disgraceful woman? (<span class="smcap">Caroline</span> <i>turns and looks at him</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Why, indeed? (<span class="smcap">Caroline</span> <i>looks at her</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span>) When we were talking just now, -couldn't remember where I'd read that. Hate to forget -a thing.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Cook! (<span class="smcap">Caroline</span> <i>stands thinking quietly</i>) -Cook!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I—beg your pardon!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> We needn't keep you, if you quite understand -about the supper.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Oh, quite, thanks! (<i>exit into kitchen</i>; <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> -<i>rises, looks after her</i> <span class="smcap">U. B.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Don't you think that woman has a very -singular manner?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Singular! No, she is certainly superior—very -superior.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> (<i>rises, crosses</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) She is <i>so</i> superior that -she seems above taking my orders.</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>comes out during this and continues clearing -away. He places</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Pillenger's</span> <i>chair up</i> <span class="smcap">B. C.</span> <i>and</i> -<span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger's</span> <i>chair up</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span> <i>above gate. Folds cloth -over tray, and takes it into the kitchen. Then comes -back, folds up table and takes it away into house before -cue, "This is July."</i>)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I wouldn't say that, (<i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>), ma'am; she -met you half way over the salmon. (<i>returns to window.</i> -<span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> <i>goes up with dignity and enters -house through French window</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>rises, crosses</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) Thorsby is late. I expected -him to call.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> He came early this morning, but he wouldn't -wait.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Tut, tut! He knows I wished to see him. I -have two christenings at one-thirty, and an interment at -three. However, Lucy and—er—Captain Dorvaston -(<i>crosses and brings</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>down</i>) as you are together -for once—I will avail myself of the opportunity -to say a few serious words to you both. (<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> -<i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>look at each other nervously</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Peg away, sir! (<span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>stands near table</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> -<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>stands centre</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I have no wish to appear unduly inquisitive on -a subject with which I have merely an indirect concern -(<i>sits</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>of table</i>) but may I enquire if you have fixed the -time that will make you both—that will make us all -happy? (<i>puts arm on table and leans back.</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>and</i> -<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>again look at each other</i>) Has a date been -arrived at?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Not precisely.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Not to a day or so.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Have you settled on the week or the month?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> No, we haven't got as far as that. But something -was said about the autumn.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> The late autumn.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>has been leaning his arm on the table—now -sits up and faces them</i>) The late autumn! (<i>sits up</i>) -But last autumn something was said about the early -spring; the question was then relegated to the late sum<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span>mer. -This is July, and where are we? (<i>he leans back -and is about to rest his arm on table, but</i> <span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>has -just removed it, with the result that he loses his balance -and comes on his hand</i>. <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>goes to his -assistance</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Allow me, sir!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Thank you. I was unaware that Gandy had -removed the table. But, to resume what I was saying—can -you give me any definite information?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> You see, sir, I haven't worried Lucy, because -I know girls are apt to be a bit—a bit——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Well?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Noosance! I've lost a word. Girls are apt to -be a bit——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Coy.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> That's it! Thanks, little woman—a bit coy. -(<i>comes to</i> <span class="smcap">Pillenger</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Coy! (<i>rises, comes</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) Well, the expression -hardly seems to me to convey Lucy's habitual demeanour; -but in any case she is of age. (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span>) -You were twenty-one last week I think?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Yes, I was.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Your small fortune is carefully tied up.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Quite right, sir, so it ought to be.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Captain Dorvaston (<i>patting him on the shoulder</i>) -is in a firm financial position.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Pretty fair as things go.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Then why any further delay? Why not August? -Nice seaside month. My own thoughts are turning -towards Eastbourne.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I had an offer from a fellah I know to go halves -in a shoot this August, (<i>going to</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span>) but I wouldn't -let that stand in the way, not for a moment.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Thanks, Jack, (<i>crosses down</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>a little</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Take my advice, let no trivial obstacle intervene -between you. Let there be no postponement or interruption.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> There shan't be, sir. (<span class="smcap">Caroline</span> <i>comes out -from porch</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> That's well! (<i>they shake hands</i>) That's well!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Gandy! (<i>both men turn round to her without -releasing hands</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Do you want anything, Cook? (<i>crosses up to -her</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Anything I could do? (<i>they both go up</i>, <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> -<i>on her</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I wanted Gandy for a second.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Certainly. He was here just now.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Saw him a minute ago.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I'll call him. (<i>goes</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>) Gandy!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Fancy he went this way. (<i>goes</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>) Gandy!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Sorry to detain you! Gandy!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Noosance having to wait! Gandy!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Pray don't bother about it; I only wanted him -to pick me some parsley.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> No trouble at all. Where <i>is</i> Gandy?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> What's happened to the beggar? Could I—er—take -on the job?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Tut, tut! absurd! How should you know the -proper way to—er—pick parsley?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Never too old to learn, sir. (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Caroline</span>) -Where should I be likely to drop across it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> There's a small parsley bed over there (<i>she -points left</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Right-O! (<i>crosses</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>, <i>kneels</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> But it's really too bad to trouble you. (<i>crosses</i> -<span class="smcap">C.</span> <span class="smcap">Mr. Pillenger</span> <i>goes with</i> <span class="smcap">Caroline</span> <i>on her</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Not a bit! To oblige you I'd pick oakum! -(<i>he kneels and picks parsley</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I—er—regret—that—er—the absence of Gandy—as -to which I shall require some explanation, should -have caused you all this inconvenience.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> It doesn't signify. Captain Dorvaston is doing -the work very nicely.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Fact is I've broken out in a new place. Where -shall I put the pieces? (<i>holding up parsley</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> In this dish. (<span class="smcap">Mr. Pillenger</span> <i>takes dish from -her, and</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>snatches it from him—puts parsley -in it, and holds it out</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> It's very easy when you get into the swing of -it. Will that be enough?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Plenty, thanks.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> There! (<i>rises, crosses to hand her bowl</i>; <span class="smcap">Pillenger</span> -<i>trying to get hold of it</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I'm much obliged.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Don't you think I should make a good gardener?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Capital, I should say. (<i>crosses to porch</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Tut! tut! (<i>she goes up stage</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Cook! Cook! (<i>she turns round</i>) If I try for -the situation will you give me a character?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I'm afraid I haven't one to spare! (<i>he laughs; -she returns to the kitchen</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>going up to window, then turns to</i> <span class="smcap">Pillenger</span>) -By George she's a devilish—er——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Tut! tut! (<i>up</i> <span class="smcap">L. C</span>.; <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>knocks on the table -two or three times to draw their attention</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Just so, sir; but I mean she <i>is</i>—don't you know—isn't -she?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>crosses down</i> <span class="smcap">L. C.</span>) She is undoubtedly possessed -of great refinement for anyone in her present -sphere.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Refinement! (<i>crosses down</i> <span class="smcap">R. C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> We gathered from the Duchess of Sturton that -Cook had seen better days. Her Grace is somewhat -vague conversationally; but we understood as much as -that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>confidentially, he hides</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>from</i> <span class="smcap">Pillenger's</span> -<i>view</i>) Funny thing a woman like that should be -running loose. Odd she hasn't married some fellah.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> It is singular—in fact remarkable. For a certain -type of man she would make—I should say—an -admirable wife.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Just the wife for a soldier man!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Pardon me, I disagree with you. No—she has -a quietude, a dignified reserve—that would fit her to -preside over the household of a staid medical man—or -a barrister in fair practice—who was no longer young—or -even—a—a—— (<i>catches</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston's</span> <i>eye</i>) But -we're wasting the morning. (<i>crosses</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Don't say that, uncle. (<i>they both stare at -her</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Lucy! (<i>crosses to top of chair</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Hulloa, little woman! Still there?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Yes, I'm still here.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> By George, sir, (<i>crosses and sits on chair facing -the others</i>) weren't we all chatting over something?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I—er—think I was urging you both—to—er——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> You were urging us to name the day—and to -avoid any kind of trivial interruption. (<i>the men look -at each other</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I—believe that is so.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> And Jack agreed.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> And I chimed in with the general sentiment. -But of course—at the time—it was impossible to foresee -the parsley, (<i>the two men exchange glances—she -rises</i>) I'm going down to the village. I punctured a -tire yesterday, and I've got to fetch my bike.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I must get to work. I'm late as it is. (<i>crosses</i> -<span class="smcap">C.</span> <i>looking at watch</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Make it a ten minutes' sermon, sir, weather's -extr'ordinary hot.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I beg, Captain Dorvaston, you will spare me -any such irreverent suggestions; and I trust that if -you must sleep in a sacred edifice, you will render your -slumber less aggressive. (<i>moves to French window</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> You do snore, Jack—you nearly drowned the -second lesson last Sunday.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>turning to</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span>) <i>You</i> are not blameless. As -his future wife, it is your duty—and—er—privilege—to -nudge him. For what purpose has Heaven given -you elbows? (<i>he goes into house. Slight pause.</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> -<i>puts pipe away</i>. <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>crosses up, turns to chair</i> -<span class="smcap">R.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Jack!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Yes, little woman?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Do you care for me?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> 'Course I do!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> How much? (<i>crosses to chair and kneels on -it</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> How much? (<i>rises, crosses</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) Well, I'm a -bad hand at explaining things.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> For instance, would you give up a big thing -for my sake?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> What sort of big thing?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> An Empire?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Oh, yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> A peerage?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Oh, Lord, yes!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Would you give up—a dish of parsley?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>long puzzled look</i>) What do you mean? I—don't -understand.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> You're a humbug!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Sorry you think that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Well, do something to please me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Anything I can.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Fetch me an orchid, (<i>he looks surprised</i>) to -wear this evening—there are lots in the orchid house—will -you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> 'Course I will.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Thanks. (<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>crosses up</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> -<i>crosses</i> <span class="smcap">L. C.</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>crosses down to her</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>places hands upon</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy's</span> <i>shoulder and speaking -over her shoulder</i>) Little woman! Ever since the -time when your dear old dad first gave us the word -of command, I've always had a pretty clear notion -where the word duty came in; so when once you've -pulled yourself together, and named the day, I mean -to pull myself together and do my level damnedest to -make you happy. D'you see? (<i>turns her round</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> (<i>facing him</i>) Yes, I see. (<i>puts hand on his -shoulder</i>) I'm quite sure you mean all you say, and -it's nice of you to say it, and to mean it. The only thing -is, you seem to be entering upon a matrimonial campaign -without any transports.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I don't follow.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> (<i>takes him by the lapels of coat</i>) When I -said you were a humbug, I meant there is one person -you are always trying to deceive.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Who's that?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Jack Dorvaston! (<i>he looks bewildered</i>) -Don't you mind what I say; go and fetch my orchid. -(<i>turns him round and pushes him away. He pauses, -rubs his head reflectively, and at last strolls off</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> -<i>goes over to the tree and sits for a moment in thought. -She suddenly remembers the letter in tree, and jumps -on seat to get it.</i> <span class="smcap">Caroline</span> <i>has come out, bringing with -her two pudding basins which she places on the seat -under the garden window; she comes down to table</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> -<i>to take up the newspaper, she catches sight of</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> -<i>who is trying to get the letter out of cavity</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>coming</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) Shall I do that?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Oh, Cook, is that you? (<i>turning quickly</i>) -You startled me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Did I? I'm sorry.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> What was it you said?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I offered to get your letter for you. I have a -longer reach.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> What letter? (<i>jumps down</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> The latest one from Mr. Thorsby.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Cook! How dare you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I'm not naturally timid.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> You are excessively impertinent.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Am I? Very likely. But as that is your opinion, -I'll chance a rather rude question—When are you -going to bolt with Mr. Thorsby?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> What do you mean? I'm foolish to listen to -you at all. I shall go to my uncle and aunt and tell -them what you've just said. (<i>comes close to</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span>, <i>then -wavers and takes a step back</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>pause</i>) If I am mistaken about you and Mr. -Thorsby, you would be quite right to tell them. Am I -mistaken? (<span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>tries to brave her, but her head droops</i>) -Quite so! Then I think I would get the compromising -letter out of the tree and say no more about it—unless -you'll let <i>me</i> do it. (<i>makes a movement to get -letter</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Oh, no! (<i>she jumps hastily on seat and gets<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span> -letter</i>) There! I don't care if you <i>do</i> know. Anybody -may know after to-morrow.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> So it's to be to-morrow?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> (<i>jumps down</i>) Yes, it is. I am bound to -trust you—I can't help myself; so if you choose to -give the whole thing away, you can.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I shan't do that. On the contrary, I should -like to do any little thing I could to help you. (<span class="smcap">Lucy</span> -<i>looks in wonder</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Thank you. (<i>slight pause; sits</i>) How did -you find out—about—us? (<i>looking at</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>goes up a step</i>) Two or three Sundays ago—I -was coming home about ten in the evening—it was my -Sunday out—and as I came round the corner, you and -Mr. Thorsby were outside the gate.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Oh! (<i>her eyes drop</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> You were supposed to be spending the evening -with your friend Mrs. Bronson, if you remember?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> You didn't hear me coming and Mr. Thorsby -said good-night to you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Oh!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> He said it—very thoroughly.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Yes—I believe he did.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> That was how I found out.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> (<i>after slight pause</i>) How funny it seems to -be talking to you about it all. What did you think—when -you saw—what you saw?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I was rather amused.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> What did you think of <i>me</i>?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Need we go into that?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> I should like you to say.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Well, to tell you the truth, I thought you -weren't going quite straight.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Because of Captain Dorvaston?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> I don't care for Captain Dorvaston—and I do -care for Mr. Thorsby. Surely it's better to marry the -man you love?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I daresay it would be. I have nothing to say -against Mr. Thorsby—he seems a very pleasant young -fellow. I shouldn't think he would take to drink (<span class="smcap">Lucy</span> -<i>looks in surprise</i>) or turn out badly to any special extent. -Of course, one can't tell beforehand.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Cook! (<i>surprised</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> It would be all right if you weren't engaged to -another man.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> But Jack isn't in love with <i>me</i>! (<i>rises</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> You think not?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> He likes me, and he wouldn't admit to anybody—certainly -not to himself—that I wasn't all the -world to him, and a bit over; but in the way of <i>real</i> -love he doesn't care a rap for <i>me</i>. He doesn't care—a -sprig of parsley! (<i>they look at each other</i>, <span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>smiles</i>, -<i>and then</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>takes it up</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Ah! that makes a difference. (<i>slight pause</i>) -Well, I must see to the mayonnaise. (<i>she turns and -goes up to the seat under the kitchen window, she begins -to break eggs into the basin.</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>goes up to porch -and sits on it, leaning her head against the pillar</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Do you know, I think you've been trying to -be very kind to me?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Not at all.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> I was wondering—if you would tell me a little—about -yourself.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Tell you what?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Tell me—about—your life.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> My life! No. It's waste of time to discuss -failures.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> You are a riddle—because you are—pardon -me—a lady.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Well?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> And yet—yet—(<i>looking away</i>) Who are you? -What are you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> The Vicar's cook. (<i>their eyes meet</i>) You will -do me a favor, Miss Pillenger, if you will leave it at -that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Oh, certainly! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to -be inquisitive.</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>Church clock chimes the half-hour.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I'm sure you didn't.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> I ought to go down to the village. (<i>crosses -to French window</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>takes up fork and begins to stir eggs</i>) Don't -let me make you late for any appointment. (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>puts -bowl on window</i>; <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>tries to laugh, and exits through -French window</i>)</p> - -<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>enters with large orchid</i>.)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Here you are, little woman,. (<i>looks for</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> She has gone down to the village.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Hulloa! Are you there, Cook? (<i>goes to her</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Doing a bit of al fresco cooking?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I'm mixing the mayonnaise.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Are you, by George! That's devilish interesting. -I suppose, now, the kitchen's a bit hot for things -that go off color.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Eggs, for instance. (<i>sits</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>of</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span>) I suppose -you start with eggs as a ground plan—and then—and -then you beat 'em. I often thought I should like to -beat eggs. (<i>seriously</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>rising</i>) You can beat these; at least, you can -stir them, if you've a fancy that way. I want to baste -my two fowls.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Oh! (<i>disappointed, stops stirring</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>she gives him the basin; pause; rises and -turns to porch</i>) Don't leave off stirring till I come -back.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>beginning to stir</i>) Not for worlds. (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> -<i>turns</i>) But basting now, basting must be an unusual -engrossing branch of the science. Couldn't I come and -watch you baste?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>standing at entrance to porch</i>) No; go on -with the eggs please. That orchid seems rather in -your way.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Got it for Lucy to wear to-night.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Give it me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Thanks! (<i>gives it to her</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Tell her I'm taking care of it. (<i>going</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I say, Cook!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>pausing</i>) Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I want awfully to have a chat with you. (<i>edging -to end of bench</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> You're chatting now. (<i>leans against post and -faces</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Can't talk here—people about—and there's the -basting.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> That's true.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> You'll be all alone this evening. Don't fancy -I shall want much of the Penny Reading—a ha'porth -will be plenty. Thought I'd stroll back—and <i>then</i>, don't -you understand?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I think I understand <i>you</i>, but I'm doubtful if -you quite understand me. I've an idea that what you -want to say wouldn't interest me at all.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>rises</i>) You're wrong. I don't mean an atom -of harm—swear I don't. What I want to say I would -say before anybody—only I'd rather talk it over quietly. -May I come?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> If you like.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Then you believe in me?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>pauses</i>) Yes, I think I do. What time are -you likely to be back?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Round about nine thirty.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Nine thirty! All right! Don't forget to stir -the eggs (<i>he begins eagerly</i>) Very gently. (<i>enters porch -and then kitchen.</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>watches her off and is -looking through window, still stirring, when</i> <span class="smcap">Pillenger</span> -<i>comes out of French window</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Captain Dorvaston! Captain Dorvaston! Captain -Dorvaston! (<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>turns to him</i>) If you are -at leisure I should be glad if—— (<i>seeing basin and pointing -to it</i>) What is that?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Fancy they call it a pudden basin.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> What are you——? why should you——?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I'm stirring the eggs for the mayonnaise. -Cook asked me to.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Tut, tut! I have received a letter from the -lawyers, respecting the draught copy of your marriage -settlement. I gave it to you. May I ask you to fetch -it!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Just now, sir?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Naturally. Why not?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Promised I wouldn't leave off stirring. Look -here, sir, if I fetch the paper, will you go on with the -eggs? (<i>gives him basin—they both stir—so as not to -stop</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Well, rather than cause—er—domestic inconvenience -(<i>takes basin</i>) but have the goodness to make -haste. The position is not without embarrassment.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I'll look sharp, sir. (<i>crosses up back</i>) Don't -forget to stir very gently.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> The caution is quite superfluous. (<i>crosses to -back of chair</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>)</p> - -<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> <i>comes out followed by</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span>; <i>both -dressed for walking</i>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Hulloa, ma'am! Going for a prowl?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Fowl? (<i>crosses</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Tut, tut! (<i>conceals the basin behind him</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> (<i>crossing to him</i>) You here, Audley? I am -accompanying Lucy to the village. I imagined you were -writing your sermon.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I have been delayed by—er—unforeseen interruptions -(<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>tells</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>about basin; she<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> -goes up behind</i> <span class="smcap">Pillenger</span> <i>and taps it</i>) You are yourself -wasting the freshness of the morning.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> I thought the moment was opportune for -the purchase of your new socks.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Tut, tut!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> But you have given me no instructions as -to pattern or texture.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Both are indifferent to me. I rely on your taste -and judgment.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> I will go then. (<i>she moves</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>; <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> -<i>opens gate and stands talking to her</i>; <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>laughs</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> What is amusing you, Lucy?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> I was laughing because——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I have no wish to hear. I object to frivolity.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Do you, uncle? (<i>crosses</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>) Wait for me, -Auntie. (<i>turns to</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>) Jack, where's my orchid?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Cook is taking care of it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> (<i>looking at</i> <span class="smcap">Pillenger</span>) What a treasure -Cook is. (<i>looking at</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>) I wonder what any -of us would do without her? (<i>exit. The two men face -each other for a second</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>laughs</i>) Sorry I let you in, sir, (<i>coming</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) -but Lucy won't say anything. I'll be back directly—and, -I say, you won't forget to stir very gently? (<i>exit -off</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>angrily</i>) No, I won't! No, I won't! No, I -won't! (<i>crosses; sits</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>of table, stirs violently for a -moment, then remembers and slows down</i>; <span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>comes -out</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Captain Dorvaston! (<i>sees</i> <span class="smcap">Pillenger</span>) Is Captain -Dorvaston—— (<i>he turns round</i>) Oh, you've got -it! (<i>comes to top of table</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> The basin? Yes. I was compelled to interrupt -Captain Dorvaston, so I was endeavoring to supply his -place; I fear with poor results. (<i>puts paper on seat</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Let me look? (<i>takes basin, crosses a little</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) -Thanks. (<i>she looks at it</i>) Oh, no—it's all right.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I am relieved to hear it. Still, it probably needs -the—er—hum—the final touch of the artist. (<i>she turns -to go</i>) You don't care for—er—compliments?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>looking round</i>) No! (<i>coming</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Rather an unkind restriction.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> A bird of some experience is apt to change its -first opinion of bird-lime.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Yes, very true. But compliments that are the -expression of honest and—er—respectful appreciation—what -of them?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I don't know. I've never met that kind of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> -compliment. If you'll excuse me, I'll go back to the -fowls. (<i>going up</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>he follows her between tree and table to porch</i>) -I have no right to detain you from more congenial society. -(<i>door bell heard</i>) But I have something I particularly -wish to say to you. (<i>she looks at him</i>) Something -I wish to explain.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Certainly! What is it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> My explanation might—in fact, would occupy -some time. (<i>door bell heard more violently</i>) The present -moment is obviously ill-chosen for the purpose. -You will be the sole occupant of the house this evening.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Shall I?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> <i>Every</i>body—Keziah included—is going to the -Penny Reading—even Gandy has asked permission to -visit his aged mother.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Has he an aged mother? I didn't know.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> He doesn't lay much stress on her—she suffers -from spasms, and is a Nonconformist.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Well?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I thought if I came back early from the Parish -room, I could explain what I—er—wish to explain. -(<i>very violent ring at bell without interruption</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> You would discuss this all-important matter -in the kitchen?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> If you—er—see no objection.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> It's your kitchen, and your responsibility; but -if I were you I wouldn't explain.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Do you prohibit me from doing so?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No, come if you like. What time am I to expect -you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> About nine o'clock. It's a quiet hour, and usually -free from callers.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> We'll hope it will prove so. Very well—till -nine o'clock then. (<i>she goes into kitchen—he crosses -up to French window at</i> <span class="smcap">Cook's</span> <i>exit, still looking after -her, buried in thought</i>. <span class="smcap">Crayll</span> <i>comes through gateway, -stands at steps, sees</i> <span class="smcap">Pillenger</span> <i>and speaks</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Mornin'! (<span class="smcap">Pillenger</span> <i>does not hear, so</i> <span class="smcap">Crayll</span> -<i>prods him in back with stick</i>) Mornin'.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Eh! Oh, good morning! (<i>comes</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> What time's the funeral?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pill.</span> Funeral?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Ain't anybody dead? I rang your beastly -front door bell till my arm ached; so I turned it up -and came round to the back.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> My butler—er—my male servant—is rather<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span> -remiss. But to the best of my knowledge, he is still -alive.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Damn sorry for it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Tut, tut!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> What's the matter?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I cannot countenance such language. My sacred -calling——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> (<i>looking at him more attentively</i>) Oh, I see! -Didn't know you were a magpie. Come to think of it, -s'pose I passed your place of business a little way up -the road, (<i>pointing up</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Er—hum—yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Oh, well then, I take back the damn. After -all, it don't do to open one's front door too quick. S'pose -you thought I was the Water Rate. (<i>puts foot on chair, -pulls out handkerchief, and dusts boot</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> No, sir.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Gas?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Certainly not.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Then what the devil did you think? (<i>dusts -other boot</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I had no theory on the subject; and as to your -language—I really must beg——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Beg? Yes, that's your trade. Same time I'll -take back the devil. We don't often part company. -Talking of the devil, did you ever have D.T.?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> D.T.? D.T.? If you refer to the "Daily Telegraph," -I usually read the "Standard."</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> No, no! D.T. Jim-jams!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Jim-jams?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Delirium tremens—ever had 'em?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Eh? What? Never, sir, never!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Lucky beast! Well, when you <i>do</i> have 'em, -you'll know 'em again. I've had 'em twice.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Really!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> The last bout was a blazer. A man generally -sees snakes, or rats, or spiders. It was spiders with -me. (<i>makes movement of spider on</i> <span class="smcap">Pillenger's</span> <i>chest</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Was it indeed?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Yes—fat brutes with as many legs to 'em as -an Empire ballet—all over the walls by day—all over -the bed at night. If you lit a candle you saw 'em—if -you didn't you felt 'em. Pah! filthy devils! (<i>sits exhausted</i>) -Could I have a whiskey and soda?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> You haven't mentioned the object of your visit.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Man named Dorvaston hangs out here, don't -he?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Captain Dorvaston is my guest at present.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Thought so. Promised to look him up. -We're goin' to price a horse—a nailer—risin' thirteen—and -well up to Dorvaston's weight—which is sayin' -somethin'.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Captain Dorvaston's physique is substantial.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> If he stood on your foot, I expect you'd ask -him to move.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Probably!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> He's goin' to be somethin' to you by marriage, -ain't he?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> He is affianced to my niece.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Hope he'll like it. (<i>takes cigar out of case</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Why should he not, sir?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> I daresay you stick up for marriage—double -blessedness and all that kind of muck. (<i>biting end of -cigar</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I regard the married state as best calculated -to confer the greatest happiness that—er—the——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Have you ever bin married? (<i>looking up at -him</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> No.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> (<i>lights cigar</i>) I thought not. You beggars -are always jawin' about what you don't understand. -You've never had D.T., but that wouldn't stop you preaching -about drink. You've never bin married, and yet -you get up in the pulpit and talk about Hell as if you -knew the country.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> May I ask, Mr.—er——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Crayll.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> May I enquire, Mr. Crayll, if <i>you</i> are married?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> (<i>blows out light and smiles</i>) Not at present.</p> - -<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>comes out</i>.)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Ah! Here is Captain Dorvaston.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>coming to</i> <span class="smcap">Pillenger</span> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) There's the paper -you wanted, sir. It took a bit of finding. Keziah -cleaned my room out yesterday. (<i>gives it to him</i>) -Hulloa, Crayll! (<i>slaps him on back and crosses</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Hulloa! (<i>rises</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>) Now you have come, I will -ask Mr. Crayll to excuse me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Don't name it. (<i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>) Dorvaston -will see to me. I daresay he knows where the -whiskey's kept. (<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>laughs and goes up a -step or two with</i> <span class="smcap">Pillenger</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>aside</i>) Surely a most offensive person. (<i>crosses -up</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> He's all right, sir. He takes a bit of knowing. -(<span class="smcap">Pillenger</span> <i>goes into the house</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Now, for the Lord's sake get me a drop of -whiskey to wash the parson out of my mouth.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<span class="smcap">C.</span>) Whiskey it is! Take potash with it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> A little potash. (<i>crosses</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Right-O! Have a look at "Sporting Life"?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> What d'ye fancy for the Leger?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Centipede! It's a dead snip. You should -have a bit on it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> No, thank ye. Don't like the name—it's too -spidery. (<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>goes up to kitchen window unseen -by</i> <span class="smcap">Crayll</span>. <span class="smcap">Crayll</span> <i>crosses behind chair, gets -"Sporting Life," comes round</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span> <i>of table, puts hat on -ground, stick behind him, and starts to read paper</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Cook! Cook! (<i>at window</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>appears</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Fact is, friend of mine has just turned up, and -he's unusual thirsty. Would you bring him out a -whiskey and potash?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Certainly.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Very kind of you—extr'ordinary kind.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Not at all. (<i>she disappears from window.</i> -<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>goes back to</i> <span class="smcap">Crayll</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Look here, I'll run up and put another coat on, -and then we'll start.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> How about the whiskey?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> It'll be here directly. (<i>exits through French -window</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Thank ye. (<i>he resumes the newspaper</i>; -<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>comes to table</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>with small tray containing whiskey, -etc.; she brings it down to small table, and speaks -before putting the tray down</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Whiskey and potash!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> All right! (<i>he puts down cigar on tray and -turns slowly, the paper falls. They face each other in -mutual astonishment</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Goodness a'mighty! (<i>slight pause</i>) Is that -you? (<i>she is silent</i>) Is that you? (<i>speaking louder</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes—what then?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Phew! (<i>wipes his forehead</i>) When I saw -you standin' there, dressed like that, I thought I'd got -'em again. Damned if I didn't.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Why?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Why, who'd expect to see Lady Huntworth -masqueradin' as a cook.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I'm not Lady Huntworth any longer. Surely<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> -Lord Huntworth is the last person who should need the -reminder.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> I'm not Lord Huntworth down here. My -name's Crayll for the present.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Really?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> I'm keepin' out of the way—for—reasons.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> The local police don't strike me as being very -shrewd.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Police! What d'you mean? It's duns I'm -hidin' from.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Duns!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> It's debt—it ain't crime.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Ah! not yet. Well, good-day, Mr. Crayll. I -must go back to my cooking. (<i>crosses up</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Here, hold on. Damn it, don't be in such a -hurry. (<i>crosses down</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) I want to talk to you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I have to baste the fowls.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Curse the beastly fowls. I must see you alone -for half-an-hour, d'you hear?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I hear.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> It's infernal important. Will you meet me -to-night?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Why not? What are you afraid of?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I'm not afraid of <i>you</i>. I think you know that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> That long fool will be back in a minute. -You'll see me somehow to-night, because—you've -damned well got to—d'you understand?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I haven't the smallest notion why you want to -see me, but since fate has played me a final dirty trick -by throwing us together again, perhaps we <i>had</i> better -understand each other. So you can come here this -evening for half-an-hour. I shall be alone. You had -better tap at the window.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> That'll do—I'll come.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> What time shall I have the honor?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> I'll get here about nine.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>smiling</i>) Nine! You must make it earlier -than that. I expect I shall be rather busy about nine.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Eight-thirty then.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes, that would suit me. (<i>crosses to porch and -then stops</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> (<i>turns and sees she is in hesitation</i>) Is there -anything else?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>crosses down</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span> <i>to him</i>) As you seem to -want to talk about something important you might -break through a rule for once—and turn up in a possible -condition.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Not come drunk—is that what you mean?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No, I don't want to be unreasonable. At that -time in the evening you are certain to be drunk,—but -try not to be <i>too</i> drunk to be coherent. I'll expect you -at eight-thirty. (<i>she goes up stage, stands at kitchen -window; after she has gone</i> <span class="smcap">Crayll</span> <i>picks up cigar from -tray and draws at it, finding it out he throws it down -violently and swears. He then pours out whiskey and -drinks.</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>comes out dressed for walking</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Ready, old chap? (<span class="smcap">Crayll</span> <i>half chokes</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> In half-a-minute. (<i>drinks more whiskey</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>speaking across to</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span>) Ah! Cook! friend -and I are going for a stroll.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> It's a pleasant day for walking.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> How is our mayonnaise coming on? (<span class="smcap">Crayll</span> -<i>looks up on hearing this</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Very well, I think.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> That's all right! (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Crayll</span>, <i>who has been -listening vacantly</i>) Shall we get along?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Yes. (<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>goes out at the gate</i>; <span class="smcap">Crayll</span> -<i>puts hat on, takes stick, rises, crosses</i> <span class="smcap">L. C.</span>, <i>and looks -back. As he does so</i>, <span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>turns and looks at him</i>) -Goodness A'mighty. (<i>he then goes out at gate</i>)</p> - -<p class="center">(<i>After he has gone</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>comes down to the rustic table -and takes up "Standard."</i>) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>reads</i>) "Will Lady Huntworth communicate -with Brampton and Stokes, Capel-Court, on a matter of -considerable importance?" (<i>she stands in thought for -a moment, then turns and goes up, reading the paper -as she goes</i>)</p> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Curtain.</span> -</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_II" id="ACT_II">ACT II.</a></h3> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Scene.</span>—<i>The Vicarage kitchen, according to plan.</i></p> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Time.</span>—<i>Evening.</i> -</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<i>As curtain rises</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>takes salmon to larder</i> <span class="smcap">R. U. E.</span> -<i>and returns to table down</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span> <i>with fruit salad</i>; <span class="smcap">Gandy</span> -<i>enters with butler's tray; crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>of table</i>; -<span class="smcap">Keziah</span> <i>enters and takes ham to larder and returns -to dresser</i>.)</p></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p> - - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Sweets, Cook!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Quite ready! (<i>clearing tray of chicken dish -and plates</i>) They seem to have taken very kindly to -the stuffed fowls.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Oh, horful! There's 'ardly a gizzard left for -hus to make a supper of. Dorvaston's the worst.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> (<i>at dresser</i>) Oh, and master too. (<i>takes -plates</i>) I thought he'd 'ave bust 'imself—I did reelly. -(<i>crosses to top of</i> <span class="smcap">Gandy</span>, <i>places plates on butler's tray</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> They told me to look sharp. It's wonderful -they don't want a rest. (<span class="smcap">Caroline</span> <i>holds up dish of -fruit salad</i>; <span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>takes dish in both hands admiringly; -then lets</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>put it on tray</i>) So that's it, Cook? It -looks lovely.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Glad you like it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> (<i>takes up tray</i>) It ain't no good <i>me</i> likin' it, -I shan't get none—they'll see to that. (<i>moves to</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> -<span class="smcap">Keziah</span> <i>moves to follow him</i>) Keziah, don't you come. -You'll never wait at table—your mind can't rise above -'anding bread when nobody wants it. (<i>she returns to -top of table; he carries tray to door</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>, <i>then pauses</i>) -It <i>do</i> look lovely. Let's pray to 'eaven they don't eat -it all. (<i>he goes out</i>; <span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>crosses to larder with chicken -and back round top down to</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> (<i>at top of table clearing</i>) Gandy's a bit narked -to-night. (<i>rubs knives with a piece of rag</i>) When -there's a bit of anythink extra for supper, 'e does grodge -it to 'em, don't 'e? Now with me it's, as you may say, -different. If any trifle takes me fancy—such as a breast -of chicken—or what not—while it's bein' carved I simply -turn me 'ead away.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<span class="smcap">L.</span> <i>of table arranging plates</i>) Take these plates -into the scullery.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> Yus, Cook. Not as it always answers. (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> -<i>crosses to larder with salad dish</i>) I wes 'anding that -sauce stuff—I forgot what you call it, Cook——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Mayonnaise. (<i>at larder; crosses back to</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span> <i>of -table and begins to put radishes in bowl into glass dish</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> Yus, Cook, that was it—in a butter boat. Well, -I was 'anding it to old Madam as the Captain cut himself -off—oh, such a slice of 'am—I dote on 'am, I do, -reelly. Well, I had to shet me eyes, and just then -Gandy hustled me with 'is elbow, and me wrist turned, -as you may say, sudden like, and I upset the myanneasy -on to milady's gown. She did talk to me a treat. (<i>takes -fish plates to scullery</i>; <span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>enters hastily, stands</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Now then, Keziah, one claret glass short. -That's your silly fault. (<span class="smcap">Keziah</span> <i>crosses to dresser, gets<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> -glass and hands it to</i> <span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <span class="smcap">R.</span>; <i>then returns to dresser -for plates</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Do they seem to fancy the fruit salad?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Fancy it! Dorvaston and the governor are -both in their second 'elpings. It's 'ideous to see 'em—'ideaous!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> (<i>at dresser</i>) I shall be awful late with me -washin' up. (<i>crosses to window with plates</i>) I shall -miss a good 'alf of it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>crosses to larder for cheese</i>) I'll wash the -glass and silver for you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> (<i>crosses to top of table and takes chicken plates -to scullery, leaving four forks on table</i>) That's wonderful -good of you, Cook; it is reelly. D'you know I'm -in two minds which 'at to wear.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Are you? (<i>crosses from larder to table</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>with -cheese, places it at top of table</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> (<i>fingering top of chair</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>) The straw's tasty; -but the large 'at with the flowers is more dressy like.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I wouldn't wear the large one with the flowers. -(<i>returning to larder for butter</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> Wouldn't you now?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>stops on her way to larder</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) It might have -been made in the Old Kent Road.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> Might it, now? Is that in London? (<i>sits</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes. (<i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>of table with butter, and -stands at the head</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> At the shop where I bought it, they told me as -it was copied from a London pattern, so I dessay you're -right, Cook. Well, I could wear the straw, but—(<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> -<i>enters with tray</i>—<span class="smcap">Keziah</span> <i>rises, crosses to window ledge -for cheese plates</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> (<i>speaking sadly</i>) Now then, cheese—cheese. -(<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>is at top of table clearing butler's tray</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I see they've finished the fruit salad.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Finished it! Of course they've finished it. -It's 'eartbreakin'. Put the dish away, and let me try -to forget it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> (<i>comes down to table</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>) 'As the Governor -still bin goin' it? (<i>putting cheese plates on butler's -tray</i>; <span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>places cheese and butter on butler's tray</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> I should think 'e 'ad. Ah! and it will pay 'im -out. This night's work'll lie 'eavy on 'im. I know 'is -constitooshon. Ready, Cook! A bit of that cheddar all -round ought to just settle 'em. (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>takes fruit dish -to larder</i>, <span class="smcap">Keziah</span> <i>crosses to top of table, and puts radishes -on butler's tray</i>. <span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>hurries out</i>.)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> As I was sayin', Cook, (<i>calls</i>) as I was sayin'<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> -I could wear the straw, only I'm wishful to look me -best, cos the young gentleman as I'm walkin' out with -at present'll be there.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Oh! (<i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>of table, takes cloth out of -drawer, and back to</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> We shan't be able to sit together, cos of old -Madam—"I don't allow no followers," she said when I -come after the place—"I don't allow no followers"—You -know 'er sniffy way? (<span class="smcap">Keziah</span> <i>takes plates to scullery, -leaving spoons on table</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>puts cloth on table, crosses to mantel and gets -matches off bracket</i>) What does your young gentleman -do when he isn't following?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> Didn't I tell you? (<i>comes back to table</i>) 'E's -at Bilkins, (<i>sits on table</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>) the pork butchers. You -remember that pound of sausages that came from me -aunt at Cambridge? (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>nods</i>) That was 'im—'e -began with sausages—(<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>lights gas over stove</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>) -next comes along a photograph frame, last week <i>pig's -feet</i> and a <i>shell pin-cushion</i>. 'E's free 'anded, as you -may say.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> He must be. (<i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> Won't you be feelin' lonesome (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>lights gas</i> -<span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>and leaves match-box on dresser</i>) this evenin'? All -of us out—and Gandy goin' to see 'is mother. She lives -two stations down the line and used to take in washin'.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No, I don't fancy I shall feel lonesome.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> I'll (<i>jumps off table, comes round and sits on -chair</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>and gets book out of drawer</i>) lend you my -girl's "Special Monthly Journal." There's a most <i>interestin'</i> -tale in this number. It's in 'ere. There's an <i>'url</i> -and 'e goes ridin' through a wood and 'e's all dressed -up in armour, you know—just like the dish covers. -(<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>crosses to window, gets knife basket and comes -down to top of table</i>) I say, Cook, when you lived in -London did <i>you</i> ever see any 'urls?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> One or two.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> And do they dress themselves up like that?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Not as a rule. (<i>cleaning spoons and putting -them in basket</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> My word, I wish I'd bin born a toff! They -must find life come easy.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>at top of table</i>) Not always. Trouble is like -a postman—sooner or later he knocks at <i>every</i> door.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> Why, they can eat and drink just what they -like.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No. After a time their doctors have a word -to say.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> And they can wear just what suits 'em.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> They wear whatever their dressmakers and tailors -tell them to wear—whether it suits them or not. It -generally doesn't.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> Any'ow they don't 'ave to pay for their breakages.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> In the long run they pay just as heavily -for their breakages as you do for yours. (<i>crosses -and replaces basket on window ledge and comes -down</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> My word! Think of that now! (<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>enters -and puts down tray on table</i>; <span class="smcap">Keziah</span> <i>jumps up and -crosses to head of table</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> That's over. (<i>sits</i>) I'm fair sick of it. The -governor is rushin' on to 'is fate. (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>takes off the -bread, cheese and glasses and puts them on lower end -of table</i>; <span class="smcap">Keziah</span> <i>takes up cheese plates, knives, butter -and radish dish, leaving the syphon, decanter of whiskey -and one glass till the last</i>) Took radishes with -'is cheese. (<span class="smcap">Keziah</span> <i>looks horrified</i>) Keziah, I have -brought out the Captain's whiskey and syphon—I shan't -be 'ere to-night, so you must take 'em up to 'is room -the last thing, d'ye 'ear?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> I 'ear. (<i>she takes whiskey, soda, and glass to -window ledge</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> I've done most of the clearin' away. (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> -<i>takes cheese to larder</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Keziah</span>) Bring me the bowl, Keziah, and -then you can put your things on. (<span class="smcap">Keziah</span> <i>crosses to -table, takes butler's tray and places it against wall -above meat jack, then goes to scullery for bowl. To</i> -<span class="smcap">Gandy</span>, <i>coming out of larder and crossing</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>) Will you -have your supper now? (<span class="smcap">Keziah</span> <i>brings hot water to -top of table; then takes glass radish dish and butter -dish into larder</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> No, thank'ee. They've put me off it. I shall -try to pick a bit by and bye when I get to mother's.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Gandy</span>) Is your mother a good cook? (<span class="smcap">L.</span> -<i>of table</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> No, she ain't; far from it! 'Er jints are flabby, -and 'er pie crust is h'ashfelt.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> (<i>coming out of larder</i>) Is there anything -more, Cook, as I can do?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No, thanks. (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>takes plates into scullery</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> Good night, Gandy. (<i>crosses to door</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Not so much Gandy! <i>Mr.</i> Gandy would do you -more credit, and might lead to a cap ribbon at Christmas. -(<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>comes out of scullery, takes large radish<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span> -bowl and re-enters scullery</i>) It's 'ard on a respectable -man to mix with such riff-raff.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> Riff-raff your own self. Why, for two pins—I'd——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Keziah! (<i>at scullery door, crosses</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span> <i>again</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> (<i>meekly</i>) Yus, Cook! (<span class="smcap">C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Go and dress.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> Yus, Cook; I'm sorry as I spoke hasty before -you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Very well, go along; you'll be late.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> Yus, Cook. (<i>she goes quietly to door</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>, <i>then -turns and speaks very respectfully</i>) Good-night, Mr. -Gandy. (<i>she then goes out</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>takes bread to larder top way and returns -round top</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>) That's the worst of domestic service—one -'as to put up with the cheek of h'underlings. -It ain't a fit life for such as h'us—we're a good many -cuts above it. (<i>he rises</i>) Well, Cook, I shall 'ave to -change my coat, so if you will excuse me——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Certainly! (<i>washing glasses</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> But before I go to-night, I should like 'alf a -word with you about a little matter which 'as bin -floatin' on the top of my mind for this month past.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Won't it keep?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> No, it won't—not if you was to put it in the -refrigerator.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> People change their minds sometimes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> I shan't change my mind.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Well, change your coat, or you'll miss your -train. (<i>he moves towards the door, as he does so</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> -<i>enters dressed for the evening, but with cloak on</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Cook! I've come for my orchid. (<i>crosses to</i> -<span class="smcap">C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I'll fetch it. (<i>crosses to window</i>; <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>crosses -to chair</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>of table</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Gandy, I thought you were going to see your -mother to-night.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> So I h'am, miss—I am just h'off. (<i>goes out</i> -<span class="smcap">R.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Here it is. (<i>crosses down</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>of</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Thanks!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Shall I pin it in?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Thanks! (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>arranges the flower</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> What time to-morrow do you take the plunge?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Oh, quite early in the morning, before anybody -is up. Mr. Thorsby will fetch me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I see.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Why did you want to know?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> So that I should think of you and wish you -luck.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> I don't see what reason you have to wish me -luck.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> You're a nice child—and I was always fond of -children.</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>comes in—he is in evening dress with light -overcoat and carries a small music-case—he doesn't -see</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>at first</i>.)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I say, Cook, I—ah! (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>backs and he sees</i> -<span class="smcap">Lucy</span>) I—hulloa, Lucy!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Well, Jack, what do <i>you</i> want? (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>retires -round top of table down</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span> <i>and resumes her glass-washing</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I—ah—I—wanted—to—er—(<i>seeing orchid</i>) -Of course, I came to fetch your orchid.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> You needn't have troubled. (<i>looks at</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span>) -I fetched it myself.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Didn't know, don't you know!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Have you got my music?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Got it here. (<i>showing music-case</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> That's right. Is Auntie ready?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Fancy she's waiting in the hall. (<i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Oh! then I must go. (<i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>) Good-night, -Cook. Thanks for taking care of the flower.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Not at all! Good-night!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> (<i>turning at door</i>) Are you coming, Jack?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> In a second. Thought perhaps Cook would -give me a light. (<i>takes out cigar case</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Very well, we'll go on. You can catch us up. -You needn't hurry. (<i>she goes out door</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>holding cigar</i>) May I?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> There's a box of matches on the dresser. (<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> -<i>crosses to dresser for matches, lights his cigar. -She washes glass and silver</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>crosses to top of table</i>) This is a devilish -snug kitchen. D'you know, I'd much rather stop here—and -watch you doing—whatever you are doing—what -<i>are</i> you doing?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Washing up. (<i>washing glasses</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Are you, by George? Washing up, now. How -is that generally done? (<i>at top of table</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> With water and a tea-cloth.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> It must be an awful fag. When it comes to -work, seems to me you women beat us hollow.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> You have your drill—and parade—and fighting, -too, in these days.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Fighting ain't work—it's fun.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Each to his trade! I prefer cooking and washing -up. (<i>they both laugh</i>) Oughtn't you to go?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Yes, I'll get along. I say, you haven't forgotten—nine-thirty?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No, but I was hoping you had.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Upon my soul, what I want to say won't take -ten minutes. Hulloa! cigar's out. I'll just light up -again, you don't mind? (<i>he goes to dresser for matches.</i> -<span class="smcap">Pillenger</span> <i>looks in at window</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Cook!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I just wished to say one word. (<i>he comes in -at the back door</i>) I wish (<i>closes door, takes off hat, -and sees</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>, <i>who has turned at the moment</i>) -Tut!—dear me!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Hulloa, sir!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I imagined you had accompanied my sister and -Lucy. They have started.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Came in here to fetch the orchid!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> What orchid?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> The orchid—and I hadn't a match—and Lucy -had got it already, don't you see—so Cook gave me -one—and—that's how it was, don't you know.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Cook gave you an orchid?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> No, a light.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Then why allude to an orchid? However, it is -quite immaterial.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> You said you wished to speak to me, Mr. Pillenger!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>coming a little to her</i>) I desired to express -my approval—my warm approval—of the excellent meal -you gave us this evening; but I fear I have not sufficient -time to do justice to the theme.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<span class="smcap">R.</span>) By George, sir, you did justice to the -fruit salad?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Very possibly, Captain Dorvaston, but I may remind -you that your own appreciation assumed a very -practical form.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Won't you both be rather late? (<i>they both look -at each other and then go up to the door</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>turning at garden door</i>) I fear we shall. I -may have to return early—I am conscious of the approach -of a headache.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Deuced odd thing! I feel a bit off colour—doubt -if I shall manage to see it through.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Tut, tut! you look singularly well! Merely -fancy, I'm sure. (<i>opens door</i>) Good-night, Cook!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Good-night! (<span class="smcap">Pillenger</span> <i>goes out at back door</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>following</i>) Good-night, Cook!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Good-night!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>turning at door and speaking in whisper</i>) -Nine-thirty! (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>nods—he goes out. After a second</i> -<span class="smcap">Mr. Pillenger</span> <i>puts his head in at the window</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Cook! you remember our appointment? Nine -o'clock.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>in the distance</i>) Are you coming, sir?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>) Yes—in one moment! (<i>to</i> -<span class="smcap">Cook</span>) Nine! you quite understand?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>calmly</i>) Quite!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Thank you. I thought I would just recall it to -your memory. I'm coming, Captain Dorvaston! (<i>he -goes</i>; <span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>continues her work</i>; <span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>enters</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>, <i>is -crossing to door, stops, comes to top of table</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>; <i>he has -changed his dress and carries a small hand-bag; he -puts this down and his hat, and hastily consults silver -watch</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Cook, I'm a leetle pressed for time—but I find -I've just got three minutes and a 'alf to waste.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Well, what is it? (<i>washing glasses</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> I'll come straight to the pint. I've saved money—I'm -sick of service, and I want to settle down. I -know of a eatin' 'ouse to be 'ad—good situation—terms -moderate—part cash down—remainder in monthly instalments. -Will you marry me and take over the kitchen -department?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>crosses to oven and kneels and opens it</i>) -Don't be 'asty now. We should crush all local competition. -Think it over careful. (<i>looks at his watch -again</i>) I can give you a minute and a 'alf. I'm a staid -respectable man, and I want a staid respectable wife.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>kneeling at oven</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>, <i>looks over her shoulder</i>) -And do I strike you in that light?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> You do.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> That is a very unexpected compliment. (<i>rises, -places cake on table</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> (<i>comes down to chair</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>) Yes, Cook; since I -met you I've come to see there's things in life as I -didn't suspect. (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>stops work</i>) You've showed me -the superiority of braized beef over biled beef—you've -rewealed the difference between 'aricot and 'ash—before -you came apple fritters was to me a mere flash -in the frying pan. (<i>suddenly stopping and looking at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> -his watch</i>) Now I wouldn't 'urry you, but time's on -the move. 'Ow's it to be?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> It's to be no!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Oh!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I wish the eating-house every success, but I -don't intend to marry.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> But couldn't you——?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No, I couldn't. Don't miss your train.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Well, (<i>takes up bag and hat</i>) it's a disappointment, -but if you say it's to be like that——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> It's to be like that. (<i>she resumes her work</i>) -Good-night.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> (<i>goes slowly up stage, pauses, turns—is about -to speak, thinks better of it</i>) Good-night. (<i>he goes out -at back door.</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>takes cake to larder, and then -crosses back to window, brings glass tray down to top -of table and puts glasses on it</i>. <span class="smcap">Keziah</span> <i>rushes in after -a slight pause, hastily dressed for walking, with large -hat trimmed lavishly with flowers</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> Ready at last, Cook! I'm always a cow's tail, -ain't I? Thought I should never get into this dress. -Miss Fletcher sent it 'ome so tight, I can't 'ardly bear -myself, and no 'ook and eye at the neck, if you please. -(<i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span>) Lend us a pin, there's a dear! (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> -<i>gives her one, and stands watching her</i>) Thanks! -(<i>crosses to looking-glass on wall</i>, <span class="smcap">R. U. E.</span>, <i>and fastens -her collar with pin</i>.) I'll talk to me lady when I pay -'er. (<i>turning sees</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>looking at her</i>) You're looking -at the 'at? Yus, I 'ad to wear the big one, the straw -didn't go with this dress, (<i>comes</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) It made me look -almost common like. Well, I must step it. (<i>goes up</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> You've forgotten your gloves.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> Got 'em in my pocket—can't put 'em on yet—me -hands is too 'ot. Am I all right at the back? This -skirt seems to kick up. (<i>turns her back to</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span>, <i>and -kicks her foot up at the same time at back, looking -over shoulder</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Not more than it does in front.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> That's a blessing. (<i>opens door</i>) 'Arry war! -(<i>she goes, leaving back door open.</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>takes glass -tray to window, crosses and shuts door</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>; <i>crosses and -takes bowl to scullery, pours out water and wipes her -hands, gets plate basket (chimes strike three-quarters) -comes down</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>, <i>puts spoons in basket, crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>and -exit. There is a slight pause, then</i> <span class="smcap">Crayll</span> <i>looks in at -window, he taps twice, then whistles softly—there is -another slight pause, then</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>comes back and crosses</i> -<span class="smcap">C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> (<i>at window</i>) Oh! there you are! Anybody -about?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No. Come in, the door is open. (<i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>, -<i>he enters</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Well, I've got here. (<i>he stands leaning against -the door</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> So I see.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> There's a beast of a dog somewhere on the -premises, ain't there?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes, but he's chained up, and he's rather particular -about his food; you needn't be nervous. (<span class="smcap">Crayll</span> -<i>slams door and crosses</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> (<i>looking round kitchen</i>) And these are your -quarters, are they? You've brought your pigs to a nice -market. (<i>she is silent</i>) Well?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Well?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Why don't you speak?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I was waiting for you to begin.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Don't you feel the damned degradation of your -position?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No. You seem to forget I was your wife for -nearly ten years.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Ah! Have you any whiskey?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> (<i>seeing decanter on slab in window</i>) Why, -what's this?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> That belongs to Captain Dorvaston.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> That's all right. (<i>crosses to window</i>) He -knows me. He won't mind. (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>sits</i> <span class="smcap">L. Cray</span> <i>stands -at window with whiskey, syphon, and glass in hand</i>) A -cook! That's what beats me. Why a cook?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> It was an experiment.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> If you were broke (<i>comes to top of table and -pours out whiskey</i>) why didn't you try the stage? The -divorce would have given you a leg up.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> How did you find me out?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Accident! (<i>takes a drink and crosses</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) I -came down here because I thought your pal the Duchess -might give me the straight tip as to your whereabouts. -My spottin' you was a bit of luck.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> You must be very hard up?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Oh! it's bin a rotten season! Nothin's paid -me. Had some big stable information for Doncaster -week—that didn't pay me, couldn't even win place -money. Tried the Stock Exchange; damned if that paid -me—jumped in at the top of the market, crawled out -at the bottom. (<i>crosses to chair</i>) Then there was the -trial——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Ah! I suppose the law expenses were heavy?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Oh, devilish!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Bribing the servants must have been rather a -serious item!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> What d'ye mean?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> That was a most elaborate story my maid -Thompson told the jury—Thompson was not very intelligent. -It must have involved a great deal of careful -rehearsal.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> We needn't go into all that. (<i>puts glass on -table</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> You are astonished to find me here. What did -you think I should do?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Thought you were with Carruthers.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No, you didn't. (<i>he looks at her, tries to brave -it out, but his eyes fall</i>) You had been dangling your -title before the eyes of a certain rich widow, but I see -by the papers (<i>he pours out whiskey</i>) she has slipped -through those shaking fingers of yours and is going to -marry another man.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> (<i>taking up glass nervously and drinking</i>) -Yes; women are damned shifty.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Your notion didn't come off, but that was why -you trumped up your case against me, knowing it was -all a lie.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> You didn't deny it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Neither did he?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No. Bob is a good fellow—and a good friend. -He helped me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Helped you to cheat the law!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Helped me to cheat the law that ties a woman -to such a man as you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> That was the game, was it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Why did you want to find me out? By the way, -(<i>crosses to window and brings down "Standard" to -top of table</i>), has that anything to do with it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> How do you mean?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>watching him closely</i>) To-day's "Standard." -There's a little advertisement in the agony column.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> I—can't see—light's bad. Read it out!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>crosses to gas</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>, <i>takes paper and reads</i>) -"Will Lady Huntworth communicate with Messrs. -Brampton and Stokes, Capel-Court, on a matter of considerable -importance?" (<i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span> <i>of table and -throws paper down</i>) Did you know of that?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> No. Who are Brampton and Stokes? Never -heard of 'em.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>leaning over table with one hand on it for support</i>) -Then why have you been hunting me up? I -hadn't a shilling—you saw to that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> (<i>after slight pause, makes to touch her hand</i>) -I wanted you to—come—back.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> What?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> I'm willin'—to bury the past. (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>looks at -him</i>) Well, I tell you, I want to bury the past.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>pause, she puts hand on chair</i>) Before we -talk of burying the past, I should like you to look down -into the still open grave——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> (<i>shudders</i>) Filthy way of talkin'!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>sits</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>) When I married you I was thirty—quite -old enough to know better! but I'd spent my youth -in nursing my father. When he died I inherited a -fortune—and my freedom—without much notion what -to do with either. That was a bad year for me. I lost -my father and I found you. (<span class="smcap">Crayll</span> <i>scowls at her</i>) -I don't know what crime I had committed that fate -should sentence me to ten years' penal servitude. But -my father had wished it and so did your mother. You -had been a little wild, they said, but all you needed was -gentle guidance. I believed them, but my gentle guidance -that was to work miracles generally took the -shape of helping you up to bed in the small hours, when -the difficulty of adjusting the latchkey had been overcome.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Look here, it 'pears to me you're trying to be -'fensive.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> That was my life for ten years. The dregs of -your fortune and the whole of mine gradually melted -away—in cards—(<i>he pours out drink</i>) racing, drink—and -a few extra establishments.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> You never grumbled about th' extra 'stablishments.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>rises in disgust</i>) Oh, no! I only mention -them now—to fill up the picture of our home life. With -regard to your gambling and drunkenness I was sorry -for myself, but in the matter of your infidelities I was -sorry for the other women.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Your language's 'fensive—damned 'fensive!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> At the finish we had a pleasant little chat; you -hadn't a sixpence left—or a friend either—except Bob -Carruthers. He had lent you more than he could afford -and he was sick of it. You tried to get me to ask him -again. I wouldn't. It was on that occasion you reached -up and tried to strike me. (<i>touches him on shoulder</i>) -Do you remember?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Momentary irritation—regretted it d'rectly!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>returns paper to window</i>) We parted that -night. The place was sold up, and I didn't hear of you -again till you commenced proceedings for our divorce. -(<i>he moves chair and faces her</i>) Then I went to Bob. -He offered to see me through—engage counsel and all -that. It would have been easy to smash your case, -(<i>crosses and stands over him</i>) but that would have left -me tied to you; so I asked him if he would join me in -making no defence. He pointed out what society would -think of me. I said I knew enough of society to care -nothing for its bad opinion. He did as I wished, so -you got your decree nisi and the sympathy of the public. -(<i>crosses to top of table again</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> All this is beastly 'fensive. (<i>leans limply over -back of chair</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> My only problem was how to live. I couldn't -teach or make dresses or typewrite. There was only -one thing I could do properly—I could cook. It was -always a fad of mine. I used often to prepare little -dishes for my father—in the old days—and while I was -trying to see my way, I met Millicent Sturton. I told -her everything, and asked her to help me. She had -influence with these good people—so I resumed my own -name and became the vicar's cook. (<i>pause</i>; <span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>has -gradually crossed</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span> <i>again</i>. <span class="smcap">Crayll</span> <i>moves chair back -to table and drinks</i>) Now you understand everything! -I'll say good-bye. I'm likely to be rather busy this evening.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Don't say goo'bye. I wan' you to come back. -My 'ntentions are disin'ersted. Won't you come -back?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>stands with hands behind her back</i>) Not -while there's a crossing to be swept—or a box of -matches to be sold.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> (<i>rising unsteadily—leaning over table</i>) -S'pose I was to—give th' show away—d'you think they'd -keep a woman like you—a woman who was n'torious?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Very well, then I can squash you. Word from -me'd sweep you into the gutter—an' if you don' come -back—I'll do it. I'll show you what comes of r'fusin' -disin'ested offer. (<i>she laughs and shrugs her shoulders</i>) -Don' laugh at me, you fool! I'll do it! I'll drag you -off your damned high horse, I'll—I'll—(<i>raises his arm -to strike her</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No, you won't! (<i>pauses; his arm slowly falls -and he sways about limply</i>) you're too anxious to keep<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> -your own identity secret just now to say anything -about mine. Isn't that so—Mr. Crayll?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> (<i>swaying about</i>) Tha's true, tha's true! Le's -be frien's—shall we? Don' le's be touchy. If you'll -come back, I'll do the right thing—marry you again—marry -you anywhere you like—St. Paul's Cathedral, if -you like. Come back and be a comfort to ailin' man. -(<i>sinks into chair</i>) Le's have 'nother honeymoon. Shall -we? Le's kiss an' be friends; but first le's have a little -more whiskey. (<i>taking whiskey</i>) Shall we?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>removing the tumbler, etc.</i>) No, we won't -have any more whiskey—in fact, I think we had better -go now. (<i>she takes whiskey syphon and glass to window, -and looks out</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> (<i>who is now maudlin</i>) Not friendly! No -r'sumption of former 'fectionate footin', same time—no -desire to remain—where not wanted. (<i>puts cap on</i>) -Where's cigar case? Want cigar—smoke going home. -(<i>he very sleepily takes out letter case from his outside -pocket</i>) Oh, here 'tish! (<i>as he holds it, he begins to -doze, his arm falls its full length, and a letter falls out -of case—his head falls right back, and he breathes heavily. -He falls gradually into a deep sleep. She watches -him quietly, then comes round to the right of him</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>pause</i>) Wake up! (<i>shakes him</i>) You mustn't -sleep here.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> (<i>muttering</i>) Want cigar!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Want a cigar? But this is your letter case. -(<i>she takes it from him, and puts it into his outside -pocket</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>She then sees the fallen letter</i>) And you've -dropped something. (<i>she picks it up—he snores</i>) -Looks like a writ. (<i>she glances at it</i>) Messrs. Brampton -and Stokes (<i>she pauses and looks at him</i>) Ah! -my first idea was right (<i>crosses to gas with letter round -to fireplace and reads it under the gas</i>) "Messrs. -Brampton and Stokes present their compliments to -Lord Huntworth, and would be greatly obliged if he -could place them in communication with the lady who -was till very recently his wife. The reason for the -application is urgent, as information has been received -from an Australian firm of solicitors that Lady Huntworth -has succeeded to a considerable fortune through -the death of an uncle. (<i>she again turns and looks at -him</i>) Messrs. Brampton and Stokes would greatly appreciate -an early reply. Capel Court. May 9th." More -than two months ago! Ah! (<i>slight pause, crosses to -top of table, and leans over it</i>) Lord Huntworth, you -will do me the favour to wake up. (<i>he snores</i>) I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> -thought I had said everything I had to say, but I find I -was wrong. (<i>she stops and listens, then puts letter -hurriedly inside her dress</i>) What's that? Did I hear -the gate go? (<i>crosses to window, then crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">Crayll</span> -<i>and shakes him and pulls him up</i>) Wake up—you -mustn't be found here. (<i>she pulls him up</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Wha's matter?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I must put you somewhere; you wouldn't be -easy to explain away. (<i>she half-supports, half-carries -him up and into scullery; when there she allows him -to droop into a sitting position against the sink; she -then shuts the scullery door</i>) Quite like old times! -(<i>looks out of window—brings work-box down, goes up -to door and listens.</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Pillenger</span> <i>enters</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Hum! Cook! (<i>at door</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> May I come in?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Certainly! (<i>crosses to chair</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>and sits, takes -out pudding cloth and starts to hem it</i>)</p> - -<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Mr. Pillenger</span> <i>enters at back door</i>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I—er—explained to Miss Pillenger that I -thought it advisable to return home early—as I was -feeling somewhat indisposed.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>looks up at him</i>) Then you would like to go -to bed? I'll let Miss Pillenger in. (<i>looks at door</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> That is not necessary, I gave her my latchkey. -I fear I must admit my illness has no—er—tangible existence.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Oh!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I trust I am not interrupting any—er—domestic -occupation?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I have to hem some pudding cloths, but I can -listen while I work. What do you want to say to me? -(<i>she begins sewing</i>; <span class="smcap">Pillenger</span> <i>crosses to top of table, -puts hat down; as he crosses</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>looks at door</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I—er—find some difficulty in approaching the -subject. It is one with which I have been hitherto—quite -unfamiliar.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Perhaps if you sat down it might be easier.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Er—thank you. (<i>crosses to fire and stands with -back to it</i>) The suggestion is very considerate. (<i>he -makes several efforts to begin, but baulks himself</i>) -During the few months you have been with us—you -must have noticed that you had roused—in me—a strong -feeling—(<i>she looks up at him</i>) of—er—of interest?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I saw it—I didn't notice it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Exactly! (<i>moves to back of chair</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>) You -would not—care—perhaps, to give me a somewhat larger -measure of your—er—confidence—touching the—er—the -past.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>stops work for a moment</i>) No; I think we'll -leave the past alone.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I may possibly persuade you to be less reticent—when -I have submitted my—er—my proposal to you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Proposal? (<i>resumes work</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Yes. After such reasonable hesitation as should -precede the taking of any important step, I have decided -to offer you an alternative to your present life, -the nature of which you may have already guessed.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>smiling back</i>) I suppose <i>you</i> are the alternative?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>moves to top of table near her</i>) Precisely. I -ask you to be—er—to be my wife.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>smiles</i>) Thanks! (<i>stops work</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I am no longer young, but my health is good, -with the exception of a little periodic gout. My temper, -if not invariably equable, is what a long succession -of curates has made it; and as to worldly considerations, -without being a rich man, my position is an independent -one.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> It ought to be.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I beg your pardon?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> You say you don't speak without consideration. -Have you considered what your sister would say?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>moves round to</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>) It is a point to which I -have devoted very exhaustive attention. At first she -might not welcome the idea with—er—absolute enthusiasm. -(<i>sits</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No, she might not. Have you also considered -what the world would say?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> The world?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> It's rather a tolerant world where a man is -concerned, but it holds special views about clergymen, -and it wouldn't stand the notion of a vicar marrying his -cook.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> The social disparity between us is far more -apparent than real. Your present vocation must be the -outcome of caprice—or temporary necessity.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Take it at that. (<i>puts work in box</i>) What do -you know of me? I may be an adventuress—in fact, -most of the evidence points that way. At any rate I -have no intention of marrying. (<i>smiles</i>) I have said -the same thing once before this evening in reply to a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span> -similar proposition from Gandy. (<i>rises and crosses -back of her chair and leans on chair</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Gandy? Did he dare?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> He did. (<i>smiling</i>) This seems to be rather a -susceptible household. (<i>crosses to window and looks -out</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>rising</i>) You haven't given me a conclusive -answer?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>hearing footsteps</i>) Haven't I? I thought I -had.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) You may require a little time -for final reflection.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I think not. (<i>looking out of window</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Nevertheless, if you will spare me your attention.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> One moment! I thought I heard a step on the -path. (<i>she looks out of window</i>) Yes, it's Captain Dorvaston.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>crosses to door and looks out, returns and takes -hat from table</i>) You don't say so? That is highly -inconvenient. What had I better do?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I think you had better go to bed.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> An opportunity like the present is so difficult -to obtain. He will merely pass through to his room. -I'll wait in the scullery. (<i>makes for it</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>puts hand on door</i>) The scullery is rather in -confusion. (<i>goes back to window and looks out</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Then the larder is probably available. (<i>goes towards -it</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I really wouldn't wait if I were you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>speaking from entrance to larder</i>) I do so on -my own initiative. There are several arguments I wish -to——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>at window</i>) He's coming.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Oh! (<i>hastily goes in and closes larder door</i>)</p> - -<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>simultaneously enters at garden door</i>) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Well, Cook, I've got back. May I come in?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> If you like. (<i>drops down</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>enters -and locks door after him</i>) You needn't have locked -the door.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Don't you keep it locked?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I do generally—it doesn't matter. (<i>sits</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> The governor was seedy and left early.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes, he came back.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Gone to bed, I s'pose? (<i>she is silent and has resumed -her work</i>) I tried to think of something a bit<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span> -more novel, but I couldn't, so I had to tell the old lady -I wasn't feeling fit myself.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Why did you trouble?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>crosses to top of table and puts hat down</i>) Oh, -well, don't you know, I wanted to say something to -you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes. (<i>stops work</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I'm a bad hand at getting my notions into -words. P'raps if you go on doing—whatever you're doing—I -may manage to make a start. (<i>she resumes work</i>) -That ought to look exceptional pretty when it's finished.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Do you think so?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Yes! What—is it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> A pudding cloth.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Jove! You don't say so? (<i>laughs</i>) I say, you -mustn't think me an awful ass!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> It doesn't matter what I think.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> It matters to me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> It oughtn't to matter. (<i>pause—he takes up the -weekly journal</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Been doing a bit of reading? (<i>sits on table</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> -<i>corner</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No. That belongs to Keziah.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> This sounds promising. (<i>reads</i>) "The belted -Earl entered the lists with lance in rest. His shield -bore for device a bar sinister with Fleur de Lys rampant." -That ain't heraldry!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes, it is, (<i>looking up</i>) "Family Heraldry." -(<i>he laughs</i>) I don't want to hurry you, but it's getting -late.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>rises</i>) Well, I—I hope you haven't misunderstood -my—object in—bothering you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I should like to think I had.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I don't follow.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Members of your profession don't generally -make an appointment with cook in order to assure her -of their respect.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Some of us may be a bit rackety, but we know -a lady when we see one, and we shouldn't treat her -any different because she chose to pretend to be a cook.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Pretend?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>crosses</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span> <i>and gets gradually to chair</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>of -table</i>) Why, any duffer could see—<i>I</i> can see you were -never meant to be what you are. These things generally -come about through loss of coin—for instance, -a woman's father speculates, and the home goes biff. -He shuts up in his stride, and she takes up the running. -Now what that woman wants is a friend to give<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span> -her the lead over the fences—a friend who don't want -anything from her—will you keep your eye on that?—who -don't want anything from her, but who would like -awfully to do her a turn, if she'd let him. I think that -goes into the four corners of what I wanted to say. -(<i>sits</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>rising</i>) Do you know you're a wonderfully -good fellow?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Oh, rot! Well, may I be—a little use to somebody -for once?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I won't borrow money of you, if you meant -that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> False pride!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No, that isn't it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> It's a devilish odd thing that every good woman -is a bit of a coward, and she's always afraid of what -people will say, especially if it isn't true.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> That description fits me less than any woman in -the world.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> You won't let me be of use to you, because I -happen to be a man, and you happen to be a woman—ain't -that so? (<i>rises</i>) I see how it is. I've made an -ass of myself. You won't have my help or my friendship.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>rises</i>) I don't need the help, but I'll take the -friendship.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Thanks!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>shuts work-box</i>) What I thought about you -was wrong. I beg your pardon.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Oh, that's all right!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>leans on box</i>) Now, will you do me a little -favour?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Anything! (<i>leans over table</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Will you go to bed? (<i>he backs with surprise</i>) -They mustn't come back and find you here.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Of course not, I'll go at once; and if at any -time you should want a pal, you'll let me——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Hush! (<i>crosses to door and opens it</i>) I fancy -I heard the key in the front door. (<i>she listens</i>) Yes, -it is them. Miss Pillenger is saying she wants to speak -to me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>takes up hat</i>) By George! I'd better nip into -the scullery. (<i>crosses to scullery</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> The larder? (<i>crosses to it</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No. Go into the garden.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Of course! Stupid of me! (<i>he tries the door</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Make haste.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Can't get the beastly door open. Something's -wrong with the key.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> You'll be too late! (<i>advances towards him</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Here! (<i>opens door</i>) What's this? Ah, the -broom cupboard, any port in a storm! (<i>goes in</i>; <span class="smcap">Cook</span> -<i>shuts door and stands there for a moment</i>)</p> - -<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> <i>enters</i>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Cook, I remembered I hadn't ordered to-morrow's -breakfast. (<i>crosses and sits</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>of table</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No. What would you like? (<i>crosses to top of -table</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> (<i>sitting</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>of table</i>) Has Keziah returned?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Not yet.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Both my brother and Captain Dorvaston were -too unwell to remain with us. They have doubtless gone -to bed, so I will ask you to go upstairs very quietly.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Certainly! I think I hear Keziah. (<i>she goes -to back-door</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> She is very late. (<i>pause</i>) Why don't you -open the door?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> The key sticks a little.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> It should be oiled. (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>opens the door and -admits</i> <span class="smcap">Keziah</span>, <i>who doesn't see</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> Oh, Cook, I did enjoy myself a treat! 'E was -there—and when I come out—— (<i>comes</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span> <i>and sees</i> <span class="smcap">Miss -Pillenger</span>) Oh lor!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Keziah!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> Yes, mum.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Why are you so late?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> I dunno, mum.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Who is the person you spoke of when you -came in?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> What person, mum?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> You said distinctly <i>he</i> was there.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> Oh, that was me sister's 'usband's brother, mum. -(<i>winks at</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span>) 'E's a plumber, and Church of England.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> You are aware I don't allow followers?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> 'E don't follow <i>me</i>, mum. I did give 'im good -evenin', bein', as you may say, relations, and 'e told me -as my sister 'as just 'ad 'er <i>seventh</i>, and both doin' well, -and——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> That will do. I hope you are telling the -truth.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> Oh yes, mum, it's gorspel, it is reely!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Mind you go upstairs quietly; your master -is unwell.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Kez.</span> Yes, mum. (<i>goes to door again, winks at</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span>) -Good night, mum.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Good night! (<span class="smcap">Keziah</span> <i>goes out</i>) I'm afraid, -Cook, you must have had a rather dull evening.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No, I haven't been dull. (<i>puts box on window-ledge -and returns</i>) You were going to speak about the -breakfast.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Yes. Let me see, we shall have fish. (<i>noise -in cupboard</i>) What was that? I heard a noise in that -cupboard.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> It may have been a mouse.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> I didn't know we had any mice. You had -better set a trap to-morrow.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> You mentioned fish? Will you have it grilled?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> No, fried with egg and breadcrumbs. (<i>noise -in cupboard is repeated more loudly</i>) That can't be -a mouse. The cat must have got shut up in there.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> The cat is in the scullery.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Then it must be a strange cat. (<i>rises and -crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">R. C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>going to cupboard, her hand on knob</i>) Strange -cats sometimes fly at you. If you'll go, I'll see to it. -I'm not nervous.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> (<i>advances to cupboard</i>) Neither am I. I -prefer to see for myself. (<i>waves</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>back</i>) How this -door sticks. (<i>she pulls at the handle of the door, which -at last opens, discovering</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>) Captain Dorvaston! -(<i>he comes out sheepishly; pause</i>) May I ask you -to explain this? (<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>looks first at</i> <span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> <i>then -at</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span>—<i>takes his hat off</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Well, ma'am, it ain't exactly easy to make the -thing clear.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> I see. (<i>speaking at</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span>) The explanation -is only too obvious. My niece has gone to her room, -so I shall not disturb her to-night, but to-morrow it will -be my painful duty to tell her everything. (<i>moves a -step to the door</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I say, ma'am, just a moment.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> (<i>moves toward</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>and stops</i>) As to you, -Cook, I will—or, rather, Mr. Pillenger—will speak to -you in the morning.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>smiling</i>) Very well! (<i>at top of table.</i> <span class="smcap">Miss -Pillenger</span> <i>moves to go</i>—<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>intercepts her</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Look here, ma'am—upon my soul you must -listen. I wanted to say something to Cook. It was nothing—anybody -might have heard it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Then why conceal yourself in the broom -cupboard?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I know the broom cupboard ain't easy to get -out of. I could explain better, only I feel in such an -awful hat——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> You are not wearing your hat!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> No, but—really, you know, I simply wanted—</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Captain Dorvaston, don't trouble; whatever you -may say Miss Pillenger won't believe you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> That is true. There are things that cannot -be explained away. The broom cupboard is one of them. -(<i>going</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> But I say, ma'am! (<i>moves again</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> (<i>motions him away</i>) Good-night, Captain -Dorvaston. (<i>he opens door, she goes out.</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>and</i> -<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>look at each other, she smiles</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>after pause</i>) I've made a nice mess of it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> You have rather. (<i>closes cupboard door, returns</i> -<span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> If nature allowed a fella to kick himself, I'd -do it with the greatest pleasure. (<i>comes to</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>and puts -hat down on table</i>) To drag you into such a beastly -muddle! And I did so want to do you a turn.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I know you did. You meant kindly, and I'm -very grateful. Go to bed and forget all about it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> There'll be an awful row to-morrow. I'm not -thinking of myself, I'm thinking about you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> You needn't worry about me. Oddly enough, -I've had news to-night that makes this affair very unimportant. -Now I must really ask you to go.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> All right, I'll be off. But, I say—you do forgive -me?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Of course I forgive you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Thanks. Good-night!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Good-night! (<i>he goes to door</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>, <i>then returns -to table for his hat. As he does so</i> <span class="smcap">Pillenger</span> <i>cautiously -emerges from the larder. The two men face each other</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Hum! Tut, tut! (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>turns and sits</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Hulloa, sir! Were you in there?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Yes—I—er—was.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> What, all the time?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I had an important reason for desiring a few -minutes' conversation with—er—Cook.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Mr. Pillenger shared your wish that I should -better myself.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> That's devilish lucky, because, as you were a -witness, you can clean the slate for us, and back up -what I say.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> You fail to perceive that my perfectly innocent -sojourn in the larder would be as difficult of plausible -explanation as your own regrettable occupancy of the -broom cupboard.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Jove, yes, that's true! What had we better do?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> The first step—especially as you are both invalids -(<i>the men look at each other</i>) is for you to go to -bed.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> The suggestion is most judicious. (<i>they both -start for the door</i>; <span class="smcap">Pillenger</span> <i>stops Dorvaston</i>) I think, -Captain Dorvaston, I will precede you by a few minutes. -The stairs have a tendency to creak, and would certainly -do so under our combined weight. Good-night.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Good-night, sir.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>is going but pauses</i>) With your permission -I will remove my boots. (<i>he does so</i>) It would not be -fair to disturb the household. Good-night! (<i>he goes -out with a boot in each hand, and his hat under his -arm</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>crosses and sits</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>) By George! then the -governor was there all the time.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes, I was well provided with chaperonage. -(<i>turns to mantel and puts gas out, takes candlestick -from bracket and crosses to window</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> It don't get you out of the mess, that's the worst -of it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>shutting the window and then crossing to -larder</i>) You needn't mind me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I'm bound to mind you. Are you sure there's -nothing I could do to help you—in any sort of way?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No. (<i>shuts door; her eye goes to scullery</i>) -Well, there is one thing you could do for me—if you -really mean what you say.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I swear I do! (<i>rises</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>crosses</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) What I should want you to do -would be rather a nuisance. Are you sure you wouldn't -mind?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Try me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Well, there's a man in the scullery.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Another man!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes. I fancy you'll find he is asleep against -the sink.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Is he, by George?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Might I trouble you to fetch him out? (<i>crosses -to dresser and lights candle</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Eh? What? Oh, certainly! (<i>he goes to scullery, -opens door and discovers</i> <span class="smcap">Crayll</span> <i>asleep in a sitting -position</i>; <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>picks him up, places him in a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> -chair</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>of table</i>) There you are! (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>crosses with -candle, and light falls on</i> <span class="smcap">Crayll's</span> <i>face</i>) Why, it's -Crayll! (<i>looks at</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> He's as drunk as a fiddler.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes. He called on me this evening, rather to -my inconvenience.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Did he?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Might I ask you—to put him somewhere for me? -(<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>looks at her wonderingly</i>) There's a dry -ditch—at the end of the garden—that would do.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Anything you wish, of course.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Thanks! (<i>turns</i> <span class="smcap">B.</span> <i>gas out</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Then you know Crayll?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes. (<i>turning to</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>) He was my husband -at one time. (<i>turns out gas</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>in an amazed whisper</i>) What!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Good-night! (<i>she goes out quietly at door</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>)</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p><i>The stage is now dark except the moonlight which -streams in at door.</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>stands transfixed -with astonishment—then he puts on his hat—goes -up and opens the back door—returns—picks up</i> <span class="smcap">Crayll</span> -<i>and carries him up stage. As he does so the</i></p></div> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Curtain Falls</span>. -</p> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><a name="ACT_III" id="ACT_III">ACT III.</a></h3> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Scene.</span>—<i>The Vicarage Library (according to plan).</i></p> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Time.</span>—<i>Early next morning.</i> -</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<i>When the Act opens the stage is dark, but the morning -sun shines in through the chinks of the shutters</i>; <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> -<i>enters in white biking costume; she steals downstairs, -puts jacket on chair</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>, <i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">O.P.</span> <i>windows, opens -shutters, and draws curtains—crosses to back and does -the same; then waves handkerchief to</i> <span class="smcap">Thorsby</span>, <i>and -runs up stairs again; stands looking off, to see no one -has heard; after a moment</i> <span class="smcap">Thorsby</span> <i>enters; steals to -balustrade and kisses</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy's</span> <i>hand, which is on the -balustrade</i>.)</p></div> - - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Darling!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Hush!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Mustn't I?—on our wedding day?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> No!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Oh!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> At least—whatever you wish to convey to me -must be done in dumb show.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> I see. (<i>he kisses her</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Mind my hat. (<i>looks off</i>) When we have -been married a few years you'll realize that my hats -must be treated very respectfully.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> I suppose the household is still in bed?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Yes. (<i>crosses to settle and sits on</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>end</i>) I -crept downstairs feeling like a burglar. I had one awful -moment—I stumbled over Auntie's shoes—they were outside -her door.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> My dearest—that was rather careless. (<i>leans -on post</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Careless! Auntie's shoes aren't easy to avoid -in a narrow passage. It was all right. Uncle and Aunty -were still asleep—I could hear them——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> And Captain Dorvaston?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Oh! I expect Jack was asleep, too, not dreaming -the hour of his emancipation was at hand. Poor old -Jack! I wish he was coming with us.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Hum! Do you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> I wish he could have given me away.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> I—hardly share that feeling.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> You don't know him; he'd have done it in a -minute if I'd asked him. I'd have told him all about it, -only he's such a clumsy old duffer; he might have given -me away in a different sense.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> You seem to place great reliance on his affection -for you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> He has tons of affection for me—tons—but not -love—at least, not the business article you and I deal -in. (<span class="smcap">Thorsby</span> <i>goes to embrace her, she waves him off</i>) -By the way, Harry, (<i>she is putting on her gloves</i>) there -are one or two points we have never properly settled.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> What are they?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> I mean to be a clinking parson's wife.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Darling! (<i>moves to her, she waves him off -as before</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Hold on! I mean to be a clinking parson's -wife, but I have my limitations. Church on Sunday—how -many times?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> (<i>hesitatingly</i>) Three?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Oh, no! Mornings generally, evenings sometimes, -afternoons never.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Never?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Never! (<span class="smcap">Thorsby</span> <i>moves to</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>; <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>rises and -follows</i>) Now you're shocked—your face has grown a -couple of inches longer. Well, if I'm not orthodox -enough for you it's off, and I'll go back to bed again. -(<i>moves to go</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Lucy dear, (<i>catches her arm</i>) in answer to -what you said, I shall merely exact one promise.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Which is?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> That in all things—and in all seasons—you -will do—or not do—whatever you please. Do you -promise?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> (<i>after slight pause. She puts left hand on -shoulder</i>) Harry, I do promise; it shall be exactly as -you say. Indeed, indeed, I'll keep my word. Now then, -fasten my glove, and we'll go and get it over. (<i>he proceeds -to fasten her glove, as</i> <span class="smcap">Caroline</span> <i>enters, carrying -a small tray with coffee, bread and butter, etc.; she also -carries a large shoe under her arm</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>at top of stairs</i>) I beg your pardon. (<span class="smcap">Lucy</span> -<i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Thorsby</span> <i>are much startled</i>. <span class="smcap">Thorsby</span> <i>moves away -towards table</i> <span class="smcap">R.C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Cook!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Dear me!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I hope I didn't startle you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Oh, no!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Not at all!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>comes down, and stands at bottom of stairs</i>) -I thought you might like a cup of coffee (<i>smiling</i>) to -help you face the ordeal.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Was that why you wanted to know last night -what time I meant to start?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> No. I told you I wanted to think of you, and -wish you luck. The coffee was an afterthought.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> I see.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Won't you both sit down and have it comfortably?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Is it safe to wait? (<i>crosses up</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span> <i>and looks -off—anxiously</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Quite.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Keziah?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Keziah is not awake—I wrapped the alarum in -a blanket. (<span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>crosses to top</i>; <span class="smcap">Thorsby</span> <i>to</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>; <span class="smcap">Cook</span> -<i>crosses to top of chair and puts tray on table and shoe -on chair</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>; <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Thorsby</span> <i>then sit</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> It has probably dawned on you, Harry, that -Cook is a good friend of ours?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> It has, indeed! (<i>he rises, bows—sits again</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Cook was once young herself—it was some years<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> -ago—but she hasn't forgotten the circumstances. (<i>to</i> -<span class="smcap">Lucy</span>) Milk and sugar?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Thanks. (<i>she holds cup to her</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Mr. Thorsby?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> If you please—two lumps. (<i>she hands cup -to him</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Bread and butter? (<i>they both take some</i>) It -isn't up to much—yesterday's loaf—but it was the best -I could do. And how do you both feel? Nervous?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Beastly nervous! (<i>eating</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> (<i>eating</i>) The moment is naturally a solemn -one. I feel anxious, but not nervous. (<i>takes up cup -and drinks</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Oh, it's all right for you; you've tied up such -a lot of poor misguided people, that you know the words -backwards. It's different with me—I know I shall -bungle it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> There are only three words that really signify.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Which three?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Love, honor, and obey.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> I think I can manage the first two, but I mean -to slur the third, (<span class="smcap">Thorsby</span> <i>drops cup in saucer</i>) cough, -or sneeze or something.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Caroline</span>, <i>smiling</i>) That sounds rather -an alarming prospect. Don't you pity me?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>glancing at</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span>, <i>and also smiling</i>) No, I -don't think I do. (<i>crosses</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) How do you go to -Church?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> (<i>rising</i>) We are going to bike there. By-the-bye, -would you tell somebody—Auntie or Jack—anybody -will do—that I've run over to see my friend, Jenny -Thornton, and they're not to wait breakfast?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> (<i>rising</i>) My dear Lucy, ought we to involve -a third person in our deception?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> The third person hasn't a very tender conscience -in such matters. (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span>) I'll tell your little -fib for you with pleasure.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> (<i>leans over chair, sees shoe</i>) There, Harry, -I knew she would. Thank you, Cook. (<i>taking up the -shoe which</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>has placed on a chair</i>) What's this?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<span class="smcap">C.</span>) I wanted to throw a shoe after you, and -that was the only one I could find. It's one of your -Aunt's—she put it outside her door to be cleaned.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Dear me! It looks rather formidable.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> It <i>is</i> large! We'll hope that the luck it brings -will be proportionate. Now, I should say it was time for -you to go.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> (<i>going up to window</i>) Yes, I don't think we -ought to delay.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> (<i>puts shoe down again, crosses up to window, -and down to below table</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) All right, come along. -Stop a second though. I say, Harry, have you got -everything?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> (<i>returns from</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>) Got everything? (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> -<i>crosses to back of table, and puts things on tray</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Everybody's fee. I should like to do the thing -well.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> How about the ring?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Eh? Oh, yes, I—(<i>searching his pockets</i>) I -bought it yesterday. (<i>still searching</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Very likely, but have you got it with you to-day?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> I certainly think so. I have a distinct recollection -of putting it in my waistcoat pocket. (<i>still -searching</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> You've lost it. (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span>) There's a pretty -mess!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> Ah! here it is. (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) There -is a hole in the pocket, and it had slipped down into the -lining.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span>) Thank goodness! That would -have been a nice thing, wouldn't it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span>) Will you wear this? It's only -syringa, but it looks like orange blossom. (<span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>and</i> -<span class="smcap">Thorsby</span> <i>exchange glances</i>) I picked it for you this -morning.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> (<i>fixing it</i>) You <i>have</i> been kind to me, and -I've no means of thanking you. Will you stoop down -and let me kiss you? (<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>does so</i>) I'm afraid that's -all I can do.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I'm quite repaid. I fancy Mr. Thorsby agrees -with me. (<span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>crosses up to window</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> (<i>goes up</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>a little; takes</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy's</span> <i>coat with -him</i>) Good-bye! May I add my thanks also?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Not at all. Good-bye.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> (<i>crosses down again to</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span>) It isn't good-bye—we're -coming back as soon as it's over; and we -mean to tell everything to everybody. So we shall see -you again.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> One never knows what may happen. I think -we'll make it good-bye. (<i>puts hand on</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy's</span> <i>shoulder</i>) -Now, go along and get married, and live happy ever -after, as they do in the fairy tales. (<span class="smcap">Thorsby</span> <i>goes out -of the window</i>; <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>follows, but turns and kisses her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> -hand. They go</i>)</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>follows them to the verandah, and throws shoe as -she returns for tray</i>. <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>enters from</i> <span class="smcap">O. P.</span> -<i>door</i>.)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Hulloa! Good-morning!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>at top of table</i>) Good morning. Rather a -close shave.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I beg your pardon?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Nothing! (<i>is taking up tray</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>at top of table</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>of</i> <span class="smcap">Cook</span>) Look here, don't -go. I want to have half a word with you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Well?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I—saw to that little job.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I—put him in the ditch.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Thanks. Did he say anything?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>top of table</i>) He muttered something about -another whiskey, and that he would like to be called -about nine. Now would you mind telling me a little -about it all? Give you my word it ain't mere curiosity, -it's interest in you and everything that concerns you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>at back of chair</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>) I told you the chief thing -last night. Mr. Crayll was my husband at one time.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> You say he was your husband.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes. We are divorced.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Oh, that was it! (<i>pause</i>) I haven't known -your—er—I haven't known Crayll more than a day or -two, but I can see he's an awful little swine. I suppose -he treated you anyhow?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes. Is there anything else you would like me -to tell you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> It's extraordinary good of you to give me your -confidence.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> You've earned it. (<i>takes tray, and turns</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>crosses behind her, to her</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>) Well then, I -say, what are you going to do now?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> See to the breakfast.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> No, no! I mean about—Miss Pillenger—and—the -broom cupboard. There'll be an infernal row, and -I'm afraid you'll get beans.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>smiles</i>) I'm used to handling all kinds of -vegetables. (<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>laughs too</i>) As I told you -last night, it doesn't matter.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>sits</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span> <i>of table</i>) But, by George, it <i>does</i> matter! -When I asked you then to let me be of use to you, I put -it to you as a favor, now I ask it as a right. I got you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> -into this mess, simply through my beastly clumsiness, -and you've got to let me see you through it somehow.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>back of table</i>) News has reached me, in rather -a roundabout way, that I have come into some money; -so you see I'm independent—of Miss Pillenger—and the -broom cupboard.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Really?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Really!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> You're not—pulling my leg?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>smiling</i>) No!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Then I'm devilish glad for your sake, and devilish -sorry for my own. I thought at last I saw my way—to -doing you a turn.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>places her hand on chair at back of</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>) -My life hasn't been a very pleasant one, but in one respect -I've been lucky, I have known two men who honestly -tried to befriend a woman.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Who was the other chap?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> His name is Carruthers.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Not old Bob? (<i>rises and backs</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>affirmatively</i>) Old Bob.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Why, he's a dear pal of mine!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Is he?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> And did he try to be a pal to <i>you</i>?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I was thinking of his kindness to Lady Huntworth.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Ah, how about Lady Huntworth? Did you -know her?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes! (<i>smiling</i>) We are rather intimate—like -myself she was unfortunate in her choice of a husband.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Huntworth brought the divorce, didn't he?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes. Thinking he saw his way to marrying -another woman, with another fortune, he brought his -suit against his wife and your friend.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Damn him! Pardon! couldn't help it. (<i>crosses -and kneels on chair</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span> <i>of table</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> The whole thing was utterly untrue and I know -she asked Bob to join her in making no defence rather -than remain Lady Huntworth.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> The only thing that rather fogs me is, when -the verdict was once given, why didn't Bob marry her?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> He did suggest it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Well?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> She said no.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Why did she do that?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> She knew he didn't care for <i>her</i>, nor she for -<i>him</i>—at least not in that way.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>rises, crosses</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) Still, it was game of her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span> -to refuse! There ain't many women placed as she was -who'd have done it. (<i>goes up and leans on balustrade, -thinking</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Perhaps not. (<i>pause—takes up tray and crosses</i> -<span class="smcap">C.</span>; <i>as she moves</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>turns and places hand on -tray</i>) I must go now.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> No, wait one minute. I'm going on duty directly. -My duty is to make Lucy a happy little woman -and I mean to do it. But you seem to be going down -rather a lonely road and I want you to remember that -somewhere or other there is an old duffer lumbering -about the world who will never forget you—will you -remember?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I shall remember. (<i>pulls tray away</i>) Now I -really can't stay any longer. (<i>crosses to first step</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>holding out his hand</i>) I say! (<i>she turns—places -tray on balustrade</i>) Will you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Of course! Why not? (<i>they shake hands</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Supposing I'd been a free man, do you think -you—could——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Oh! (<i>draws hand away and takes up tray, -moves to second step</i>) That opens out a very large -question. I haven't time to answer that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>touches her on shoulder, she turns</i>) I wonder -if we shall ever come across each other in the future?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>looking at him</i>) More unlikely things have -happened. (<i>mounts third step, turns to him</i>) Good-bye! -(<i>exit</i>)</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>sinks into big chair lost in thought, takes -out cigarette case</i>. <span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>enters, door</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>, <i>and is -crossing the stage</i>.)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Good morning! (<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>crosses from</i> <span class="smcap">O.P.</span> <i>to -steps</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Mornin'. (<span class="smcap">C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Got a match about you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> No. (<i>crosses to mantel</i>) There should be a -box 'ere. (<i>goes to mantel</i>) There is! (<i>he brings them -to</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>taking them, rises</i>) Thanks! I suppose the -papers haven't come yet?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> They 'aven't.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> You seem a trifle down. Not quite your own -bright self, are you? (<i>lights cigarette</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> I ain't!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> You went to see your mother, didn't you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Hope you found her feeling fit?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> She's fit enough! It's me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> What's the matter? (<i>hands back matches</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Weal cutlet for supper—that's wot's the matter! -(<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>crosses up back to window</i>. <span class="smcap">Gandy</span> -<i>puts matches on mantelpiece</i>) I've always done my -dooty by mother, so I picked a bit, and then I went to -bed and dreamt I was superintendin' my own funeral. -Weal cutlet! (<i>crosses up steps</i>) Mother gets above -herself.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>at window</i>) Have you tried a drop of brandy?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> I 'ave. (<i>first step</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I should try another.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> (<i>second step</i>) I mean to. (<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>strolls -out through the window and off</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> -<i>enters</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>, <span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>giving way</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Gandy, can you tell me what has happened -to my shoes?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> No.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> I put them outside my door last night, but -this morning I find one of them still uncleaned and the -other has disappeared. You haven't seen it, I suppose?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> I 'aven't.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Very singular! (<i>crosses to window up back.</i> -<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>goes up stairs</i>) Have you seen Miss Lucy? She -is not in her room!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> No.</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<span class="smcap">Mr. Pillenger</span> <i>enters</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span> <span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>gives way. He has -cut his cheek while shaving and is wearing a piece -of black sticking plaster.</i>)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Good morning!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Good morning, Audley.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Gandy</span>) Has the post come?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> No, it ain't. (<i>he goes off</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> You appear to have had an accident.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Accident!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> In completing your toilette.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Eh? Hum—yes. The razor slipped. My nervous -system is slightly disorganized.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> The result of last night.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>startled</i>) Last night? I—er—fail to understand -you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> I was referring to your indisposition.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Oh!—Ah!—exactly. (<i>crosses to window</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Are you going out?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I thought the fresh morning air might be beneficial.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> I must ask you to remain. I have a most<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span> -painful subject to talk over with you. (<i>sits</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Need we deal with it now? Painful subjects -should never be discussed on an empty—before breakfast.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> It does not admit of delay. We may have -to face a serious scandal.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>crosses to chair</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>) Scandal! I trust, Hannah, -you are weighing your words very carefully.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> I am not in the habit of speaking heedlessly. -What I have to tell you refers to Cook—(<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> -<i>appears at the window—he has</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger's</span> <i>shoe -in his hand</i>)—and to Captain Dorvaston.</p> - -<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>enters smoking</i>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Ah! here—is—er—Captain Dorvaston. (<i>he -crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span> <i>and indicates to</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>that</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> -<i>is in the room</i>. <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>throws cigarette away -and comes to top of chair</i> <span class="smcap">R. C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Good morning, sir. Good morning, ma'am! -(<span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> <i>bows frigidly</i>. <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>crosses to -chair</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Hannah was just—er—mentioning, as you entered, -that—you——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>quietly beating the back of chair with shoe</i>) -Yes, I fancied I caught my name. What were you saying, -ma'am?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> I was saying, Captain Dorvaston—— (<i>she -notices the shoe</i>) What are you doing with that shoe?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Just picked it up.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Why did you touch it? Your doing so seems -to me to be strangely wanting in delicacy.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Don't see anything indelicate in picking up an -old shoe. I found it on the garden path.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> My shoe on the garden path!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Yours! I thought it was Gandy's.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> If you thought to keep me a prisoner in my -room by the removal of my shoe, the expedient was -abortive. I have several other pairs.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Don't know what the deuce you're driving at, -ma'am. Sorry I disturbed the thing. Shall I put it back?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> I will thank you to restore it to me. (<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> -<i>hands shoe, and</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> <i>crosses, and -puts it on cabinet</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>) Thank you! (<i>she returns and -sits</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span> <i>of table</i>) Now, with your permission, I will resume -what I was saying to Mr. Pillenger when you -came in. (<i>the men exchange glances</i>) I warned you -last night I should consider it my duty to acquaint Lucy -with the details of—my—very painful discovery (<span class="smcap">Dor<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span>vaston</span> -<i>starts to go off at window</i>; <span class="smcap">Pillenger</span> <i>follows -his example upstairs</i>) but I find she has gone out for -a walk—at least so I imagine. Well—Audley—Audley -(<span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> <i>calls</i> <span class="smcap">Pillenger</span> <i>back, and he calls</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> -<i>back</i>; <span class="smcap">Pillenger</span> <i>sits on settle, and</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> -<i>leans on balustrade</i>) Well, Audley, the painful discovery -I allude to was this. After returning home last -night I had occasion to visit the kitchen in order to -speak to Cook for a moment. While doing so, I heard -a mysterious noise. I investigated its origin, and found -Captain Dorvaston concealed in the broom cupboard. -He was unable to give me any lucid explanation. I -now leave the matter in your hands. (<i>slight pause</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I don't know whether it's much good me saying -anything—is it, sir?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>rises</i>) I think otherwise. (<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>surprised</i>) -I shall be very happy to hear anything you -care to tell me. Appearances are often misleading.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> But, Audley, surely——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Hannah, the matter has now been submitted to -my judgment. I shall not approach it in a spirit of -carping doubt. If our dear friend can give us his -personal assurance that the whole thing was—a—little -joke for instance——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> A little joke!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> If he could tell us that in concealing himself -in the—er—broom cupboard, he had an idea of jumping -out suddenly and startling somebody by saying -"Boo"—not you particularly—but Cook, or Keziah, or -myself——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> You? What should you be doing in the -kitchen?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> No—that is so; but still, though I deprecate -practical joking as a rule, I should consider the explanation -as not being without a certain measure of -antecedent plausibility.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> You appear to be putting words into Captain -Dorvaston's mouth.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> No, pardon me, I merely say that such a line -of defence would carry conviction to an unbiased mind. -The army is proverbially a light-hearted profession.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Well, sir, I'm afraid I can't exactly say that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> There!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> In any case, Hannah, our friend Dorvaston is -Lucy's responsibility. (<i>leans on mantel</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> At all events, Cook is <i>yours</i>!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Eh? Hum—yes——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> You will of course ring the bell and discharge -her.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I—really think we should endeavour to avoid -any——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> (<i>rises</i>) Her continued presence in the house -would be an insult to <i>me</i>.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>loudly</i>) To avoid any appearance of temper—do -you hear me, Hannah?—of temper.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>coming to</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span>) Upon my soul, -ma'am, Cook hadn't anything to do with it. I was there -against her wish.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>crossing to</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) Surely that is a most convincing -testimony.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I know last night things didn't look quite -square, but whatever fault there <i>was</i>, was my fault.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Precisely! No doubt! (<i>the men look at each -other</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I was chatting to Cook—it was a stoopid thing -to do—but there was no harm in it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> None whatever, I feel sure.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> In fact, the governor knows there wasn't!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> How should my brother know?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Hum!—tut—tut!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> How! Why, because he was in the lar—— (<i>pause</i>, -<span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> <i>stares, both men stare at each -other with their mouths open</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>eagerly</i>) I was sure to take a broad-minded -view. Doubtless that is our friend's meaning.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Yes, that is what I meant. It got late, and I -heard you coming, ma'am, and I knew you're a bit strict, -don't you know!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Quite so!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> And as I was supposed to be seedy, I thought -you'd take my being there the wrong way, don't you -see? So I—nipped into the broom cupboard, don't you -understand? (<i>crosses up back</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>crosses to top of table</i>) To a moderately impartial -intelligence the whole thing is as clear as day, -and really reflects discredit on no one.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Is it your intention to say nothing to Cook -on the subject?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I think we should give her to understand that -careful investigation has tended to modify our original -misconception of the true facts of the case.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> (<i>rising</i>) Then, Audley, I have this to say—— (<i>crosses -to</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>)</p> - -<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>enters</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> (<i>at top of steps</i>) I've just found a gent in the -dry ditch at the end of the garden.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>pause</i>) A gent in the ditch! (<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> -<i>crosses to balustrade</i>) What gent?—er—gentleman?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> 'E was asleep and I shook 'im—'e grunted, and -I shook 'im again. 'E says his name's Crayll, and 'e'd -like to see you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Crayll! (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>) That is the person -who called on you yesterday?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Yes, I know him.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> He wished to see <i>me</i>? (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Gandy</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> 'E said so.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Show him in. (<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>goes out</i>. <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> -<i>crosses</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>) Surely a most singular circumstance! Why -did he go to sleep in my ditch? (<span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> <i>crosses -up to top of window</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I suppose, as he's an acquaintance of mine, he -thought you wouldn't object.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> He must be very eccentric. (<i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>corner</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Yes, he's a rum sort of chap! (<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>enters, -followed by</i> <span class="smcap">Crayll</span>, <i>who looks rather dilapidated</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> Mr. Crayll! (<i>at top of steps—he goes out</i>—<span class="smcap">Crayll</span> -<i>is at top of steps</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Good mornin'! (<i>at top of steps</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Good morning!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>) How are you? (<i>crosses down -and puts hat on settle</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> How are you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Think I'll sit down. (<i>crosses</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>) Feel rather -shaky. (<i>he sits</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span> <i>of table</i>; <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>is standing with -his back to the fireplace</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> By all means. (<i>indicating</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span>) -My sister!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Oh! (<i>he nods carelessly</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> But, my dear sir, (<i>sits</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>) I understand you -passed the night—or some portion of it—in er—the -ditch?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> 'Pears I did.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> But—how did you get there?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> How the devil should I know?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Tut, tut!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> I must have bin sprung last night, that's about -the size of it. I seem to recollect somebody pickin' me -up, and then chuckin' me down again, like a sack of -coals. (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Pillenger</span>) It wasn't you, was it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Certainly not! But you seem to be shivering. -May I offer you anything?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> (<i>from back of table—coming down a little</i>) -A hot cup of tea?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Tea be damned!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Tut! (<span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> <i>is shocked, and goes up</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> No, I should like a hair of the dog that bit -me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>rises excitedly and leans over table</i>) Bitten -by a dog! Good Heavens! My dear sir, the place should -be cauterised at once—no time should be lost!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Oh, don't be such an ass! I mean whiskey. -(<i>looking closely at</i> <span class="smcap">Pillenger</span>) What's that on your -face? What is it? What's that filthy black thing crawling -over your face?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I—er—you probably——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> What is it? (<i>loudly—rises excitedly</i>) Why -the devil don't you tell me what it is?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> A slight accident in shaving. My razor is somewhat -out of condition—merely sticking plaster.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Oh! (<i>subsiding</i>) Thought it was a spider. -(<i>pause</i>) I want to talk to you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Yes. (<i>sits</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Want to say a word or two about your Cook. -(<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>makes a slight movement</i>; <span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> -<i>crosses down to chair</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Indeed!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> I s'pose you didn't know much about her when -you took her. Did you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> No.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Hannah, permit me! In answer to your inquiry, -I may say we obtained the highest testimonials -from the Duchess of Sturton.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Oh yes, that's all right—they're pals. (<i>all -start</i>) Did she tell you your Cook was married.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Married?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Hannah! Hannah! No, sir, she did not.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Well she <i>is</i>. Did she say she was a well-known -society woman, who wasn't living with her husband?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Good gracious!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Her Grace did not mention the fact—if it <i>is</i> a -fact.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> It <i>is</i>—you may lay your shirt on it. That -ain't quite the sort of party you want in your kitchen, -is it? Now I happen to know the husband'd be willin' -to overlook the past—and take her back again——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Er—really?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> He's a good-natured beggar, and he don't bear -malice. He put it to her, but she's an obstinate devil—she -didn't listen to reason. Now it struck me that -as you're a magpie——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Tut!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> A magpie?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Beg pardon—I mean as you're a parson, with -your eye on the marriage service—"Those who Heaven -joined" and all that kind of thing—you might see your -way to chuckin' her out, neck and crop, without a character—D'you -see?—and so bring her to a sense of dooty.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Really, Audley, there is something to be -said for this gentleman's suggestion.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Whatever course it may ultimately be desirable -for me to adopt, I shall require more definite information -than I at present possess as to the intentions and—er—general -identity—of the alleged husband.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> You can have it. I'm her husband.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> You! (<span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> <i>also conveys surprise</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Yes, you ask her; she'll admit she's been married -all right.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> I'll ring for her at once. (<i>makes movement, -rises and crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> (<i>hastily</i>) Hold hard! Stop that, old woman! -(<span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> <i>pauses</i>) I don't want to see her—there -wouldn't be any good in that—the meeting would -be painful all round. (<i>rising</i>) No! you do what I say—tell -her to pack up her traps and go—and then my -arms will be open to her. (<span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> <i>returns and -sits</i>) Good mornin'! (<i>crosses</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>)</p> - -<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Crayll</span> <i>goes</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>, <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>intercepts him</i>.) -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> You're not leaving us?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Yes, I am!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> I think not!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> What d'you mean? I suppose I can go when -I like? (<i>moves forward</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> You will go when I like; and before you do, -you've got to face the lady you've just been trying to -injure. Sit down there (<i>pointing to settle</i>) and don't -move, or I shall hurt you! (<span class="smcap">Crayll</span> <i>hesitates</i>) Sit -down! (<span class="smcap">Crayll</span> <i>sits sulkily</i>) Now I'm going to ring -the bell, and Mr. Pillenger will send for Mrs. Crayll; -but if you try to get away, I shall probably hurt you -rather badly. Do you follow me?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> That's all right. (<i>crosses and rings bell; to</i> -<span class="smcap">Mr. Pillenger</span>) Sorry to take the business out of your -hands, sir, but we've got to see it through, don't you -know?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I think it would undoubtedly be desirable.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span> -(<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>enters</i>) Will you ask Mrs.—er—I mean—er—kindly -inform Cook we should like to speak to her. -(<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>goes out</i>, <span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> <i>sits; long pause, during -which no one moves</i>) Er—wonderful how the—eh—fine -weather lasts! (<i>another pause</i>)</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<i>Then</i> <span class="smcap">Caroline</span> <i>enters in outdoor costume; she is putting -on her gloves. She comes down the steps and -advances quietly to the table.</i>)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> You have something to say to me?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Yes, we have.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> That is fortunate, because I have something to -say to you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span> <i>makes to speak</i>) Hannah, you -will greatly oblige me by remaining silent. We wished, -Cook——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>near chair</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>) Pardon me, Mr. Pillenger, I -have no longer any claim to that title—I beg to hand in -my resignation.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> You contemplate leaving us?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes. I've sent for a fly.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Audley, since this lady objects to be referred -to as Cook, I think you should address her by her name—her -real name.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>glancing at</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span>) I doubt if you -know it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> We are better informed than you imagine, -Mrs. Crayll!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Oh, that's it!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>rises</i>) My dear madam, pray believe the—er—somewhat -startling information came to us unsought. -Our informant was that gentleman. (<i>points to</i> <span class="smcap">Crayll</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> What gentleman?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Crayll</span>) You can stand up now. (<span class="smcap">Crayll</span> -<i>rises and crosses down</i> <span class="smcap">L. C.</span>, <i>and advances a step or -two</i>. <span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>turns and sees him</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> I see! (<i>slight pause</i>) Well, what has he told -you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> This gentleman came here this morning to -beg us——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> To turn me out?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Be that as it may, he is anxious to make an -appeal to his, I fear, misguided wife.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Is he indeed?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> I've been tellin' 'em I want you to come back—man -can't say more, can he?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> What else did he tell you?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> He mentioned you were a well-known woman -in society—and that you had been living apart from -your husband.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Quite so! Was that all he said?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> I think that embraced the whole of Mr. Crayll's -statement. (<i>pause</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Up to a certain point he told the truth. I did -marry him some years ago.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> You concealed the fact when you entered -our service.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> It wasn't a thing I felt inclined to boast of. -As he was so confidential, it seems odd he forgot to -tell you we were recently divorced.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Divorced!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Divorced!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> There is one other thing—I think it is only fair -you should know what a distinguished individual you -have been entertaining in the person of Mr. Crayll.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> Keep your infernal tongue between your teeth!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> This gentleman——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> I shan't stay here to be baited—and badgered. -(<i>going</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>advancing</i>) You'll stay where you are!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> This gentleman is Lord Huntworth, I am—I -was Lady Huntworth. (<i>all convey astonishment</i>) Last -night Lord Huntworth dropped in the kitchen a letter. -It was from a firm of solicitors.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Cray.</span> (<i>putting his hand to his breast pocket</i>) -Damn!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Telling him I had inherited a large sum of -money. Lord Huntworth is rather hard up just now. -There is nothing unusual in the circumstance, but I -mention it because it explains the reason of his generous -offer to condone the past. (<i>pause</i>) Here is your -letter; (<i>producing it</i>) you needn't trouble to answer -it—I shall call on Messrs. Brampton and Stokes in the -course of the day. (<span class="smcap">Crayll</span> <i>snatches the letter</i>) I don't -think we need detain you any longer, need we? (<span class="smcap">Crayll</span> -<i>turns for hat</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>, <i>snarls at</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>and exits up steps</i>; -<span class="smcap">Caroline</span> <i>watches him off</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Is it actually the case that you are the Lady -Huntworth?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>turns to the</i> <span class="smcap">Pillengers</span>) Yes, I am the Lady -Huntworth who is so widely and so very unfavourably -known. (<i>turns to</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>) Would you oblige me -by ringing the bell, Captain Dorvaston?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Certainly? (<i>he does so</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>again speaking to the</i> <span class="smcap">Pillengers</span>) If I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> -thought there was even a chance that you could understand -my doing what I have done I would try to make -it clear to you, but you couldn't—I should only waste -your time and my own. (<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>enters</i>) Gandy, has -the fly come?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> It 'as.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Thanks! Good-bye! (<i>she holds out her hand, -he takes it respectfully</i>) We've been good friends, -haven't we?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> We 'ave; servin' with you 'as bin a honour. -(<i>exit</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> (<i>smiling and to the</i> <span class="smcap">Pillengers</span>) Mr. Pillenger—(<i>he -rises</i>) You have done everything in your power -to render my little experiment a pleasant one. I am -grateful; and if your thoughts should ever turn in my -direction I hope you will let your mind dwell on the -excellence of my curried chicken, rather than on the -supposed hopelessness of my moral character. Good-bye.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>bows sadly</i>) Good-bye! (<i>sits disconsolate</i>; -<span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>nods to</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Pillenger</span> <i>pleasantly; then turns and -gives a very stately bow to</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span>, <i>who stiffly -returns it</i>; <span class="smcap">Cook</span> <i>then goes</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span>, <i>but pauses as she mounts -the steps and speaks to</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> We have already taken leave of each other, but -it has occurred to me that perhaps you might care to -let me hear from you. I am leaving England for -some time, but that address will find me. (<i>gives a -card to him</i>) Poste Restante, Brussels.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Poste Restante, Brussels.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Car.</span> Yes. Good-bye!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>with a sigh</i>) Good-bye! (<i>sits down on settle; -she goes out</i>)</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<i>After she has gone</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>sits pensively on the settle; -there is a pause; all three sit staring at nothing; -then</i> <span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>enters with newspapers at window; he -goes to</i> <span class="smcap">Pillenger</span>.)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> (<i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span> <i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Pillenger</span>) "Standard!" -(<span class="smcap">Pillenger</span> <i>takes it, but allows it to drop by his side</i>; -<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>then crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span>) "Church -Times!" (<i>he then crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>and hands him -the other paper</i>) "Sportin' Life!" (<span class="smcap">Pillenger</span> <i>and</i> -<span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>pick up papers and try to read</i>; <span class="smcap">Miss -Dorvaston</span> <i>reads</i>, <span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>goes up two steps, then turns</i>) -'Ow about dinner?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Eh?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> What?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Gan.</span> 'Ow about dinner?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Don't dare allude to it. (<i>rises and sits at exit</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Get out of the room! (<i>rises and sits at exit</i>)</p> - -<div class="hangindent"> - -<p>(<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>goes out, the two men open their papers firmly -and begin to read</i>; <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>enters at window followed -nervously by</i> <span class="smcap">Thorsby</span>—<span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>dragging him into</i> <span class="smcap">C.</span>; -<span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>is</i> <span class="smcap">L. C.</span>, <span class="smcap">Thorsby</span> <span class="smcap">R. C.</span>)</p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Good-morning, everybody!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Good morning!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> (<i>not looking up</i>) Good morning!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>doing the same</i>) Good morning!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> I've brought Mr. Thorsby with me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> Good day, Mr. Thorsby! (<i>he bows</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>not looking round</i>) Ah, Thorsby! (<span class="smcap">Thorsby</span> -<i>bows</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>not looking round</i>) How are you, Thorsby? -(<span class="smcap">Thorsby</span> <i>bows once more</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> We've just been married.</p> - -<div class="left"> -<table width="100%" border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Miss P."> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span></td> - <td rowspan="3" class="bl">What? (<i>all rise and throw down papers</i>; - <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span> <i>immediately takes Bradshaw off</i> - <i>mantel and sits on settle looking out trains</i>)</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Pil.</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Dor.</span></td> - </tr> -</table></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Uncle, it wasn't Harry's doing, so if you feel -riled you must pitch into me. I'm responsible. Harry -hated the deception all through—didn't you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Thor.</span> I——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> All right, don't interrupt. We started early, -biked over to Ingledene Church—did the trick—rode -back, and we want everybody's blessing, and a good -breakfast.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> As you are practically independent of my control -I fear I have no power to withhold the blessing. The -good breakfast may be less easily obtained.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Why?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Cook has left us? (<i>crosses up to desk</i> <span class="smcap">R.</span>, <i>kicking -the papers from his feet viciously as he goes</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Oh! I'm sorry! She got up early, and made -us some coffee, (<i>takes hat up</i> <span class="smcap">R. C.</span>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Then she knew?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Of course she did! I told her.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> She would naturally take a prominent part -in any duplicity. (<i>crossing to window</i>; <span class="smcap">Thorsby</span> <i>goes up -after her to make his peace</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> That's all rot. She was a real good sort—a -long way better than most of us (<i>she goes to</i> <span class="smcap">Dorvaston</span>) -Jack, old boy!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Yes, little woman? (<i>sitting</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span> <i>looking at Bradshaw</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> You're the only one that matters. I cared for -Harry—and you didn't care for me—did you? Tell me -you didn't, or I shall hate myself. You'd have married -me and tried to look pleasant, but it would have taken -you all your time. Now, Jack, I want to hear you take -your oath you don't mind.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>rises</i>) Mind! (<i>rings bell, returns, and takes</i> -<span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>by both hands</i>) My dear child, you don't know -what a turn you've done me by throwing me over for a -better man. Mind? (<i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">Thorsby</span>, <i>claps him on -the shoulder</i>) My dear Thorsby, I wish you all the luck -you could wish yourself—and you'll get it! A chap who -could carry out a thing of this kind in such an exceptional -way has all the makings of a future bishop. -(<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>enters</i>) Pack my things at once; I must catch -the 11:15 to town. (<span class="smcap">Gandy</span> <i>goes out</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Going to leave us?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span>) I must, little woman—but I -won't forget to send you a wedding present—silver mug—no, -that's later! (<span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">Thorsby</span> <span class="smcap">U. B.</span> <i>To</i> -<span class="smcap">Pillenger</span>) Good-bye, sir. (<span class="smcap">Pillenger</span> <i>rises, and they -shake hands across the table, he then sits again</i>) Keep -your head up and your liver active.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Pil.</span> Good-bye!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Pillenger</span>) Good-bye, ma'am. I mean -to be quite respectable by the time we meet again. (<i>they -shake hands</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss P.</span> I hope so.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Thorsby</span>) Good-bye, young fellah! Give -that little filly her head, and she won't want the whip. -(<i>crosses</i> <span class="smcap">L.</span> <i>of</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>and the others</i>) Good-bye, little -woman! (<i>kisses her</i>) God bless you! (<i>kisses her—runs -up steps</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Good-bye, dear old boy! (<i>leans over balustrade; -he is going</i>) You'll let us hear from you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> Yes! (<i>runs up steps</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Where will a letter find you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dor.</span> (<i>hastily taking out card and looking at it. -Turns to her</i>) Poste Restante, Brussels! (<i>as he goes -off the</i></p> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Curtain Falls</span>. -</p> - -<div id="transnote"> -<div class="chapter"></div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h2><a name="TRANSCRIBERS_NOTES" id="TRANSCRIBERS_NOTES">TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES</a></h2> - - -<p>Silently corrected simple spelling, grammar, and typographical errors.</p> - -<p>Retained anachronistic and non-standard spellings as printed.</p> -</div> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Lady Huntworth's Experiment, by -Richard Claude Carton - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LADY HUNTWORTH'S EXPERIMENT *** - -***** This file should be named 50097-h.htm or 50097-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/0/0/9/50097/ - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, Clarity and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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