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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..52e5524 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #50093 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/50093) diff --git a/old/50093-0.txt b/old/50093-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index e609acd..0000000 --- a/old/50093-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2364 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Keeping Up with William, by Irving Bacheller - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Keeping Up with William - In which the Honorable Socrates Potter Talks of the Relative - Merits of Sense Common and Preferred - -Author: Irving Bacheller - -Illustrator: Gaar Williams - -Release Date: September 30, 2015 [EBook #50093] -Last Updated: March 12, 2018 - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK KEEPING UP WITH WILLIAM *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - - - - - - -KEEPING UP WITH WILLIAM - -In Which the Honorable Socrates Potter Talks of the Relative Merits of -Sense Common and Preferred - -By Irving Bacheller - -Author of Keeping Up With Lizzie. The Light In the Clearing, Etc. - -With Cartoons by Gaar Williams - -1918 - -[Illustration: 0008] - -[Illustration: 0009] - -TO THE CHILDREN OF FRANCE AND BELGIUM--MADE FATHERLESS BY -WILLIAMISM--WHOSE WRONGS HAVE ENLISTED THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN AGAINST THE -MISLED HOSTS OF GERMANY, I DEDICATE THIS BOOK AND THE PROCEEDS OF ITS -SALE. - -KEEPING UP WITH WILLIAM - - - - -CHAPTER I.--WHICH OPENS FIRE ON THE EXACTING INDUSTRY OF SUPERING - -The new year of 1918 was not a month old the day I went up to -Connecticut to see the Honorable Socrates Potter. I found the famous -country lawyer sitting in the very same chair from which, seven years -ago, he had told me the story of keeping up with Lizzie. His feet rested -peacefully on a table in front of him as he sat reading a law book. -Logs were burning in the fireplace. A spaniel dog lay dozing on a rug in -front of it. What a delightful flavor of old times and good tobacco was -in that inner office of his--with its portraits of Lincoln and his war -cabinet, of Silas Wright and Daniel Webster and Rufus Choate and Charles -Sumner, with its old rifle and powder horn hanging above the modest -mantel and its cases of worn law books! Beyond the closed door were busy -clerks and clicking typewriters, for Mr. Potter's business had grown -to large proportions, but here was peace and the atmosphere of -deliberation. There was never any haste in this small factory of -opinions. - -“Hello! Have you come for another book?” he asked. - -“Always looking for another book,” I answered. “It's about time that you -got into this big fight between Democracy and--” - -“Deviltry,” he interrupted with a stern look. “By thunder I've offered -to take up the sword but they say I'm too old to fight. I don't believe -it. My great grandfather fought at Lexington when he was sixty-four.” - -“You can do more good with some conversation than you could with a -sword or a gun,” I urged. “I've come up here to touch the button and now -you're expected to say something for the boys at the front and the folks -at home. Just turn your search-light on the general situation.” - -“Well, I have quite a stock of shrapnel and liquid fire for the rear -line of the Germans,” he began. “My searchlight is a modest kind of a -lantern but we'll see what we can do with it. - -“This time we'll talk on the subject of keeping up with William. - -“The other day, in the rooms of the Connecticut Historical Society, I -was reading the diary of one Abigail Foote written in 1775. This, as I -remember it, was an average day in her life: Mended mother's hood, set a -red dye, hetchelled flax with Hannah, spun four pounds of whole wool, -spun thread for harness twine, worked on a cheese basket, read a sermon -of Doddridge's, scoured the pewter, milked the cows, carded wool, got -supper ready, went to bed at nine. - -“I wish you to note that she went to bed at nine. Do you think that a -modern girl would knock off at nine? Not at all. She sticks to her task -until midnight and even longer. Abigail had only to be an ordinary human -being with nothing to do but work. The modern girl must have the beauty -of a goddess, the grace of a gazelle, the digestion of an ostrich, the -endurance of a horse and the remorse of a human being. It is a large -contract. “We are all familiar with the diary of a modern girl. Its -average day would be about as follows: Got up. Neck felt like a string -on a toy balloon. Had some toast and coffee. Had my hair dressed and -nails manicured. Put a new ribbon on my dog and walked him around the -block. Went to meeting of the charity committee. Learned that there -were many people out of work. Went to see the doctor who warned me about -overeating and late hours. Same old chestnut! Lunched with Mabel. Ate -half a pound of chocolates and so much cake that the butler had a -frightened look. Home again. Dressed. Went with mama to a lecture on the -insane. Mama woke me at five. It was all over. Went to Gladys's tea. -Danced half an hour. Home again. Dressed. Spent fifteen minutes with -papa and my dog. Went with Harry and mama to Gwendolyn's party. Danced -until midnight. Home at one. Nearly frozen. Talk about long hours and -poor pay and insufficient clothing; this reminds one of the story of -Washington's army in the worst winter of the revolution. - -“Now, both of these girls toiled. - -“The one in productive work with the wool and the flax. It was done -mostly for the comfort of others. The modern girl wears herself out -supering. Do you know what it means to super? It is to follow the -exacting industry of being superior.” - -“Superior to what?” I asked. - -“To productive work,” he went on. “Their toil is all in the service of -themselves and in pursuit of their own pleasure. - -“That's what's the matter with this old earth. For many years more -than half its people have been supering--wasting their time in busy -idleness--on the high road to deviltry. You don't have to think twice -to decide that it is about the most dangerous of all crimes, my friend, -because it is the straight way to all crime. It leads direct to deceit, -theft, adultery and murder. It kills the sense of brotherhood in the -heart of man. It kills the spirit of Democracy. The world is being -strafed for it, in my opinion. - -“Now the center and headquarters of all supering is Prussia--the home of -the superman--and Bill Hohenzollern, the Godful, is the head and front -of the whole push. - -“There are two kinds of superiority--real and assumed. Real superiority -is largely unconscious of itself. It can never be inherited--there's the -important fact about it. You will recall that there are only three cases -on record of a great father begetting a great son. The son is apt to -have a sense of inherited superiority. It destroys everything worth -while in him. - -“Of all the defects that flesh is heir to, a sense of inherited -superiority is the most deplorable. It is worse than insanity or idiocy -or curvature of the spine. There are millions of acres of land in Europe -occupied by nothing but a sense of inherited superiority; there are -millions of hands and intellects in Europe occupied by nothing but -a sense of inherited superiority, while billions of wealth have been -devoted to its service and embellishment. A man who has even a small -amount of it needs a force of porters and footmen to help him tote it -around, and a guard to keep watch for fear that some one will grab his -superiority and run off with it when his back is turned. - -“A full equipment of inherited superiority, decorated with a title, a -special dialect, a lot of old armor and university junk, stuck out so -that there wasn't room for more than one outfit in a township. Most -of the bloodshed has been caused by the blunders or the hoggishness -of inherited superiority. It is the nursing bottle of insanity and the -Mellin's Food of crime. - -“Now hot air has been the favorite dissipation of kings. James the First -was one of the world's greatest consumers of hot air; enough to put -him into business with the Almighty. To be sure, it was not a full -partnership. It was no absolute Hohenzollern monopoly of mortal -participation. - -“There are two kinds of sense in men--common and preferred, plain and -fancy. The common has become the great asset of mankind; the preferred -its great liability. Our forefathers had large holdings of the common, -certain kings and their favorites of the preferred. The preferred -represented an immense bulk of inherited superiority and an alleged pipe -line leading from the king's throne to Paradise, and connected with the -fount of every blessing by the best religious plumbers. It always drew -dividends, whether the common got anything or not. The preferred holders -ran the plant and insisted that they held a first mortgage on it. When -they tried to foreclose with military power to back them, some of our -forefathers got out. - -“We, their sons, are now crossing the seas to take up that ancient issue -between sense common and preferred and to determine the rights of each. -We are fighting for the foundations of Democracy--the dictates of common -sense. - -“For the sake of saving time, I hope you will grant me license to resort -to the economy of slang. A man might do worse these days. There is one -great destroyer of common sense. It is hot air. I remember how scared of -it the Yankees used to be. They were most economical with their praise. -I never heard a word of it in my youth. It came to me after some travel -now and then--never to my face. They knew the deadly power of it--those -Yankees. - -[Illustration: 0025] - -“Now hot air has been the favorite dissipation of kings. James the First -was one of the world's' great consumers of hot air. He and his family -and friends took all that Great Britain could produce--never, I am glad -to say, a large amount, but enough to put James into business with the -Almighty. To be sure, it was not a full partnership. It was no absolute -Hohenzollern monopoly of mortal participation. It was comparatively -modest, but it was enough to outrage the common sense of the English. -After all, divine partnerships were not for the land of Fielding and -Smollett and Swift and Dickens and Thackeray. Too much humor there. Too -much liberty of the tongue and pen. Too great a gift for ridicule. Where -there is ridicule there can be no self-appointed counselors of God, and -handmade halos of divinity find their way to the garbage heap. - -“Now, if we are to have sound common sense, we must have humor, and if -we are to have humor we must have liberty. There can be no crowned or -mitered knave, no sacred, fawning idiot, who is immune from ridicule; no -little tin deities who can safely slash you with a sword unless you give -them the whole of the sidewalk. Humor would take care of them; not the -exuberance that is born in the wine-press or the beer-vat--humor is no -by-product of the brewery---but the merriment that comes when common -sense has been vindicated by ridicule. - -“Solemnity is often wedded to Conceit, and their children have committed -all the crimes on record. You may always look for the devil in the -neighborhood of some solemn and conceited ass who has inherited power -and who, like the one that Balaam rode, speaks for the Almighty. So, -when the devil came back, he steered for the most solemn and perfect ass -on the face of the earth--Bill Hohenzollern. - -“In his soul the devil began to destroy the common sense of a race with -the atmosphere of hell--hot air. We have seen its effect. It inflates -the intellect. It produces the pneumatic, rubber brain--the brain that -keeps its friends busy with the pump of adulation; the brain stretched -to hold its conceit, out of which we can hear the hot air leaking in -streams of boastfulness. The divine afflatus of an emperor is apt to -make as much disturbance as a leaky steam-pipe. When the pumpers cease -because they are weary, it becomes irritated. Then all hands to the -pumps again. Soon there is no illusion of grandeur too absurd to be -real, no indictment of idiotic presumption which it is unwilling to -admit. - -“By and by it breaks into the realm of the infinite and hastens to -the succor of God, for, to the pneumatic brain, God is slow and -old-fashioned. Thereafter it infests the heavenly throne and seeks to -turn it into a plant for the manufacture of improved morals, and, so as -to insure their popularity, every agent for these morals is to carry -a sword and a gun and a license to use them. The alleged improvement -consists in taking all the nots out of the ten commandments. Nots are -irritating to certain people who have plans for murder, rape, arson, and -piracy. - -“Hohenzollern and Krupp had taken the Lord into partnership and begun -to give Him lessons in efficiency. Moreover, they were not to be free -lessons. The lessons were to be paid for, but they were willing to give -Him easy terms, for which they were to show Him how to hasten the slow -process of evolution. Evolution was hindered and delayed by sentiment -and emotion. - -“Sentiment and emotion were a needless inheritance. Hohenzollern and -Krupp proposed to cut them out of life and abolish tears. Tears consumed -the time and strength of the people. They were factors of inefficiency. -What was the use of crying over spilled milk and dead people? Tears were -in the nature of a luxury. The poor could not afford them. Life was not -going to be lived any longer--it was to be conducted. It was to be a -kind of a hurried Cook's tour. Nobody would have to think or feel. All -that would be attended to by the proper official. Life was to be reduced -to a merciless iron plan like that of the beehive--the most perfect -example of efficiency in nature, with its two purposes of storage and -race perpetuation. - -“No one ever saw a bee shedding tears or worrying about the murder of a -drone. - -“The ideal of Germany was to be that of the insect. To the bee there is -nothing in the world but bees, enemies, and the nectar in flowers; to -the German there was to be nothing in the world but Germans, enemies, -and loot With no wall of pity and sentiment between them and other races -they could rain showers of bursting lyddite on the unsuspecting, and -after that the will of the Kaiser and God would be respected. The firm -would prosper. It is not the first time that conceit and Kultur have -hitched their wagon to infinity. It is the old scheme of Nero and -Caligula---the ancient dream of the pneumatic prince. He can rule a -great nation, but first he must fool it. First he must induce his people -to part with their common sense and take some preferred--a dangerous -quality of preferred. This he can do in a generation by the systematic -use of hot air. - -“You may think that this endangered the national morals, but do not be -hasty. The morals were being looked after. - -[Illustration: 0035] - -“Every school, every pulpit, every newspaper, every book, became a -pumping-station for hot air impregnated with the new morals. Poets, -philosophers, orators, teachers, statesmen, romancers, were summoned to -the pumps: Rivers of beer and wine flowed into the national abdomen and -were converted into mental and moral flatulency. - -“For thirty years Germany had been on a steady dream diet. -Every school, every pulpit, every newspaper, every book, became a -pumping-station for hot air impregnated with the new morals. Poets, -philosophers, orators, teachers, states' men, romancers, were summoned -to the pumps. - -“Morning hate with its coffee and prayers, its hourly self-contentment -with its toil, its evening superiority with its beer and frankfurters. -History was falsified, philosophy bribed, religion coerced and -corrupted, conscience silenced--at first by sophistry, then by the iron -hand. Hot air was blowing from all sides. It was no gentle breeze. It -was a simoom, a tornado. No one could stand before it--not even a sturdy -Liebknecht or an unsullied Harden. - -“Germany was inebriated with a sense of its mental grandeur and moral -pulchritude. Now moral pulchritude is like a forest flower. It can not -stand the fierce glare of publicity; you can not handle it as you would -handle sausages and dye and fertilizer. Observe how the German military -party is advertising its moral pulchritude--one hundred per cent, pure, -blue ribbon, _spurlos versenkt_, honest-to-God morality!--the kind that -made hell famous. - -“I don't blame than at all. How would any one know that they had it if -they did not advertise it? - -“It is easy to accept the hot-air treatment for common sense--easy even -for sober-minded men. The cocaine habit is not more swiftly acquired -and brings a like sense of comfort and exhilaration. Slowly the Germans -yielded to its sweet inducement. They began to believe that they were -supermen--the chosen people; they thanked God that they were not like -other men. Their first crime was that of grabbing everything in the -heaven of holy promise. It would appear that those clever Prussians had -arranged with St. Peter for all the reserved seats--nothing but standing -room left Heaven was to be a place exclusively for the lovers of -frankfurters and sauerkraut and Limburger cheese. - -“God was altogether their God. Of course! Was He not a member of the -firm of Hohenzollern & Krupp? And, being so, other races were a bore and -an embarrassment. Would He not gladly be rid of them? Certainly. Other -races were God's enemies, and therefore German enemies. So it became the -right and duty of the Germans to reach out and possess the earth and its -fulness. The day had arrived. There was nothing in the world but Germans -and enemies and loot. - -“Their great leader, in their name, had claimed a swinish monopoly of -God's favor. His was not the contention of James the First, that all -true kings enjoy divine-right--oh, not at all! Bill had grown rather -husky and had got his feet in the trough, and was going to crowd the -others out of it. He was the one and only. And as he crowded, he began -to pray, and his prayers came out of lips which had confessed robbery -and violated good faith and inspired deeds of inhuman frightfulness. His -prayers were therefore nothing more nor less than hot air aimed at the -ear of the Almighty and carrying with them the flavor of the swine-yard. -In all this Church and people stood by him. It would seem that the devil -had taken both unto a high mountain and showed them the kingdoms of the -earth and their glory, and that they had yielded to his blandishments. - -“Now the thing that has happened to the criminal is this. In one way -or another, he loses his common sense. He ceases to see things in their -just relations and proportions. The difference between right and wrong -dwindles and disappears from his vision. He convinces himself that he -has a right to at least a part of the property of other people. Often he -acquires a comic sense of righteousness. - -[Illustration: 0045] - -“I have lately been in the devastated regions of northern France. I -have seen whole cities of no strategic value which the German armies had -destroyed by dynamite before leaving them to a silence like that of the -grave--the slow-wrought walls of old cathedrals and public buildings -tumbled into hopeless ruin; the châteaux, the villas, the little houses -of the poor, shaken into heaps of moldering rubbish. And I see in it -a sign of that greater devastation which covers the land of William -II--the devastation of the spirit of the German people; for where is -that moral grandeur of which Heine and Goethe and Schiller and Luther -were the far-heard compelling voices? I tell you it has all been leveled -into heaps of moldering rubbish--a thousand times more melancholy than -any in France. - -“Behold the common sense of Germany become the sense that is common -only among criminals! The sooner we recognize that, the better. They are -really burglars in this great house of God we inhabit, seeking to rob it -of its best possessions--Hindenburglars! In this war we must give them -the consideration due a burglar, and only that. We must hit them how and -where we may. We are bound by no nice regard for fair play. We must kill -the burglar or the burglar will kill us. - -“When I went away to the battle-front, a friend said to me: - -“'Try to learn how this incredible thing came about and why it -continues. That is what every one wishes to know.' - -“Well, hot air was the cause of it. Now why does it continue? My answer -is, bone-head--mostly plumed bone-head. - -“Think of those diplomats who were twenty years in Germany and yet knew -nothing of what was going on around them and of its implications! You -say that they did know, and that they warned their peoples? Well, -then, you may shift the bone-heads on to other shoulders. Think of the -diplomatic failures that have followed! - -“I bow my head to the people of England and to the incomparable valor -of her armies and fleets. My friendly criticism is aimed at the one and -only point in which she could be said to resemble Germany, viz., in a -certain limited encouragement of supermen. - -“Now, if the last three years have taught us anything, it is this: the -superman is going to be unsupered. Considering the high cost of up-keep -and continuous adulation, he does not pay. He is in the nature of a -needless tax upon human life and security. His mistakes, even, to use no -harsher word, have slaughtered more human beings than there are in the -world. The born gentleman and professional aristocrat, with a hot-air -receiver on his name, who lives in a tower of inherited superiority and -looks down at life through hazy distance with a telescope, has and can -have no common sense. He is a good soldier, he knows the habits of the -grouse and the stag, he can give an admirable dinner, he understands the -principles of international law, but when international law turns into -international anarchy he is not big enough to find the way of common -sense through the emergency. He has not that intimate knowledge of human -nature which comes only of a long and close contact with human, beings. -Without that knowledge he will know no more of what is in the other -fellow's mind and the bluff that covers it in a critical clash of wits -than a baby sucking its bottle in a perambulator. He fails, and the cost -of his failure no man can estimate. He stands discredited. As a public -servant he is going into disuse and his going vindicates the judgment of -our forefathers as to like holders of sense preferred. - -“Now is the time when all men must choose between two ideals: -Behold the common sense of Germany become the sense that is common only -among criminals! The sooner we recognize that, the better. They are -really burglars in this great house of God we inhabit, seeking to rob it -of its best possessions--Hindenburglars! the proud and merciless heart -on the one hand, that of the humble and contrite heart on the other; -between the Hun and the Anglo-Saxon, between evil and good. Faced by -such an issue I declare myself ready to lay all that I have or may have -on the old altar of our common faith. - -“My friend, be of good cheer. The God of our Fathers has not been -Kaisered or Krupped or hurried in the least. There is no danger that -Heaven will be Teutonized. - -“The shouting and the tumult dies--The captains and the kings depart--! -Still stands Thine ancient sacrifice. - -“An humble and a contrite heart Lord God of hosts, be with us yet. - -“Lest we forget--lest we forget - -“Lest we forget the innumerable dead who have nobly died, and the host -of the living who with a just and common sense and love of honor have -sent them forth to die. Lest we forget that we and our allies have not -been above reproach; that there were signs of decadence among us--in the -growing love of ease and idleness, in the tango dance of literature and -lust, in the exaltation of pleasure, in a very definite degeneration of -our moral fiber. - -“Lest we forget that our spirit is being purified in the furnace of war -and the shadow of death. Do you remember the protest of those poilus -when some unclean plays were sent to the battle front for their -entertainment? - -“'We are not pigs'--that was the message they sent back. - -“Lest we forget that the spirit of man has been lifted up out of the -mud and dust of the battle lines, out of the body tortured with pain and -weariness and vermin, out of the close companionship of the dead into -high association on the bloody altar of liberty and sacrifice. - -“Lest we forget that the spirit of our own boys shall be thus lifted up, -and our duty to put our house in order and make it a fit place for them -to live in when they shall have returned to it from battle-fields swept, -as a soldier has written, by the cleansing winds of God.” - - - - -CHAPTER II.--WHICH TEACHES THAT ONE SHOULD NEVER HITCH HIS CONSCIENCE TO -A POST AS IF IT WERE A NANNY-GOAT AND GO OFF AND LEAVE IT - - -Truth is a great teacher but she often quarrels with the cook,” said -Mr. Potter, while looking at his watch. - -He went to the telephone and called his home and presently began to -address his wife as follows: - -“Hello, Betsy! Say, don't expect me 'till I come. I'm in trouble. A -feller came in here and started the war all over again and there's no -tellin' when it'll end. I do not want an inconclusive peace.” - -As he hung up the telephone his stenographer came in to say good night. -Mr. Potter took his old rifle off the wall, dusted It with a desk cloth -and said: - -“My great grandfather used that in the battle of Lexington.” - -He squinted down its long barrel while he gave these instructions to his -helper. - -“Joe, send down to The Sign of the Flapjack, née Child's, and order -corned beef hash and poached eggs and apple pie and coffee for two.” - -He turned to me and asked: - -“Any amendments to propose to that ticket?” - -“None,” I answered. - -“Then we will consider it elected. Have the table spread here by the -fire, if you please.” - -He filled and lighted his pipe, settled down in an easy chair and began -again, with his gun resting across his knees: “The superors try to -square themselves by giving to the poor. It doesn't work. Often we do -more harm than good by giving to the poor. Kindness, sympathy, loving -counsel and the brotherly hand can accomplish much. But the charily of -cold cash is a questionable thing. The girl who knits a pair of socks -accomplishes a larger net result to the good than the one that gives -ten pairs to charity. The girl who did the knitting really produced -something. She had made the world better off by one pair of socks. There -is no doubt about that. The girl who has bought and given away ten pairs -has produced nothing. She has made the world in general no better off. -She is a slacker. She is trying to make her money do her work for her. - -“The time has come when the world in general has to be considered by -each of us. Civilized humanity has been compacted into a unit. It is -threatened by famine and tyranny. All the money there is can not save -us from these perils unless a lot of people get busy who are now doing -nothing but eat and play. Money has become a very cheap and vulgar -thing--almost every one has money these days. - -“The time of the great assessment has come and the Lord God is taking -His inventory. Everything is being measured and valued; even your -usefulness, my friend. What are you producing? Is it enough to feed and -clothe yourself and family, even? Corn and potatoes and wheat and wool -are more than money these days. If you don't help to produce them, you -are, more or less, a dead weight. - -“The idle lands in America ought to get busy. How? The rich men should -begin to cultivate them. I know one such man who is growing two hundred -and fifty acres of potatoes in Florida where nothing has grown before, -and it is estimated his yield will be at least fifty thousand bushels. -Now, that man is doing a real service to Democracy. - -“When the monster of war is devouring the fruitfulness of the earth and -stopping the labor of those who produce it, there is only one remedy. -We must increase that fruitfulness so that there shall be enough to feed -the monster and the people at home. If this is to be done, every one -must work. In such a situation, the idleness of the able-bodied becomes -a disgrace, and his dinner the food of remorse. - -“Get busy. I do not mean that we should never play. I do mean that every -day we should do a fair day's work with our hands and brain for the good -of the world at large. - -“The war has established two brotherhoods, my friend--that's the big -thing about it. A brotherhood of democracy and a brotherhood of slaves. - -“This brotherhood of slaves has been created by the leprous soul of Bill -Hohenzollern. He has broken down the will of the average man in Germany -and established his own in place of it. He has yoked his people with the -slaves of Turkey and Bulgaria, and with them has overawed the will of -the Austro-Hungarians, mostly a decent people. The will of the Kaiser -has spread over middle Europe like a plague. The name of the plague is -Williamism. We have caught it in America.” - -“In America!” I exclaimed. - -“In America,” Mr. Potter went on. “The quarantine officer has been -bribed. He has left the door open and the plague has come in. The name -of that officer is Human Conscience. Williamism can make no progress -save through the carelessness or neglect of the human conscience. - -“Long ago the German people turned over their consciences to the Kaiser -and the Bundesrath with a license to use them as they thought best. The -people said to themselves: 'The Kaiser enjoys the special protection and -favor of the Lord. He is an intimate friend with a pull. He ought to -be able to make a more expert use of our consciences than we could -ourselves. Therefore, we will appoint him our representative and -proxy at the Court of Heaven. If he and his friends decide, after due -consultation with God, that we had better violate good faith and break -our treaties and seize the property of other races and indulge in -murder, rape, arson and piracy, we will do it. To be sure such action -would seem to be wrong, but that is only because we are common cattle. -We are the best herd of common cattle there is, but we are not supermen. -The Bundesrath, the Kaiser and God ought to know what is right. - -“Now that, in effect, is exactly what they said to themselves. A people -may prosper and come to no violent trouble under such a plan. But the -fact is, they are living around the crater of a moral Vesuvius. - -“For two generations all seemed to be going well with the Germans. -William I was a fairly decent-minded man. Bismarck was unscrupulous but -careful. He stepped softly after he had bitten a chunk out of France. He -held the throne in restraint until William, the Godful, jumped upon it -with a wild yell of heavenly inspiration that startled the world. He was -going to take no advice from Mr. Bismarck--not a bit! Right away he -appointed himself secretary of war and attorney general of the Almighty. -No such astonishing familiarity with omnipotence had been seen since the -time of Moses. - -“There is an ancient legend which says that, when Cæsar invaded Gaul, -an old bowman of the north, having been captured and brought to the -headquarters of the great Consul, said: - -“'Hello, Julius! I am with you.' - -“It was like Bill Hohenzollern, only Bill didn't say 'Hello, Julius!' -The whole world stood aghast. - -“Bismarck stepped down and out. He must have seen what was coming. - -“Now this young lunatic should have been examined and condemned and sent -to an asylum as a paranoiac. Instead of that, he was given full power -and allowed to endow and develop a school of bribed historians and -lunatic philosophers to justify his plans---Treitschke, Nietzsche, -Bernhardi, backed by the throne and all the supermaniacs that surrounded -it. They created the new morality of Williamism in which all human -decency was disemboweled and God and the devil exchanged crowns. Gosh -almighty! It seems incredible now that we look back upon it. - -“From the beginning there has been a flavor of the little tin god about -these Hohenzollern fellers. Frederick the Great had a menacing rattle of -self-assertion, like that of a Ford car going to a country picnic. -His favorite dissipation was kicking soldiers. It was a way he had of -advertising his superiority. - -“Macaulay tells us that he needed proximity and not provocation to kick -a soldier. What a brave Captain he was! Funny, isn't it, how the -great Captains have managed to take care of themselves. Died on -hair mattresses, every one of them except two, Gustavus Adolphus and -Stonewall Jackson. - -“The only man who ever insulted me by just shaking my hand was a -mule-eared Hohenzollern chap known as Prince Heinrich of Prussia. I can -never forget that you-to-hell air of his as he took my hand as if it was -a clod of dirt, without even a look at me. I have always been sorry that -I didn't invite him to the sidewalk. - -“William II began to strut in the military and hot-air game as soon as -he ascended the throne, and lost no opportunity to tighten his hold upon -the consciences of his people. - -“Let me tell you the story of - - -THE MISLAID CONSCIENCE. - -“I used to know a feller here of the name of Sam Hopkins. He worked for -a client of mine who ran a lock factory. Sam had been a poor lad--sold -newspapers on the street night and morning. My client liked him and took -him over to the big shop and taught him the trade of making locks -and paid his board until he was able to earn it. Sam became an expert -mechanic and shoved money into his coffers every Saturday night. By and -by he had a wife and three children and a comfortable home and a goodly -amount of spondoolix earning interest. Now for the chance to accomplish -all that he was indebted to my friend and client. - -“By and by Sam joined the Trade Union. Nobody could find any fault -with Sam for uniting with his fellow workers to accomplish any fair and -reasonable purpose. But Sam had given to the Trade Union exactly what -the Germans had given to the Kaiser and the Bundesrath. He had, -in effect, turned his conscience over to the Union, which had full -authority to do as it thought best with this sacred piece of property. -Sam didn't realize what he had done until the Union ordered him to -strike. - -“To be sure it was a limited proprietorship over his conscience which -Sam had given to the Union. He could keep and use it until the Union -called for it. He had given a kind of note payable in the use of his -conscience _on demand_. - -“Sam had no quarrel with the works--no more quarrel than the Germans had -with the Belgians--not a bit. He was more than satisfied with his wages -and his hours and his general treatment His conscience told him that -his duty was to keep at work. But he discovered suddenly that he had no -right to the use of his own conscience. He had deeded it, on demand, -to the Union--lock, stock and barrel. Sam had become a kind of German -soldier. - -“War was declared. Some of the faithful servants of the big shop were -slain. Others were injured; a part of the properly was wrecked. Sam -tried to do the right thing, but couldn't. He went with the German army. - -“Now, a man's conscience is given to him for his own use--exclusively -for his own use. There's nothing truer than this: A man's conscience -is like his tooth-brush--it should have but one proprietor. You can not -leave it lying around like an old pair of shoes. Your umbrella is not -as easily lost. It is like your right hand. You can not lay it away--you -can not lend it, and the more you use it the better it is and the less -you use it the weaker it is. Either disuse or misuse will injure it and -possibly deprive you of its service. - -“Now, Sam's conscience got mislaid in the shuffle. He suddenly -discovered that he hadn't any. I guess it was rather small at best. It -was through this loss that I came to know about him. He was out of work -for seven months and got to drinking. Idleness and regret and the loss -of friends turned him toward the downward path of women, wine and -song. He is now in a Federal prison for counterfeiting--the victim of -Williamism. - -“Now just what had happened to Sam had happened to every man in the -German army. In that deal with the Kaiser his conscience had got -mislaid. He was ready to cut off the hands of a child or torture a -wounded man or shoot an inoffensive civilian. His officers encouraged -him to do it and his conscience was not on duty. It had been turned over -to the Kaiser and the Bundesrath. It had got lost in the shuffle. - -“I have told you that William had made the ideal of Germany that of the -insect. Let me be sure that you get my meaning. - -“Have you watched a hive of bees in bright summer weather? Well, you -will find that the workers wear out their wings in two weeks and die. -The hive has only two purposes--storage and race perpetuation. - -[Illustration: 0065] - -These purposes are carried out with ruthless and perfect efficiency. - -The drones are stung to death as soon as they are discovered. The worker -will starve and die for the queen. The welfare of the hive is the main -thing--that of the individual of no account whatever. The ants live and -die on the same general plan. - -“So I say that the ideal of Williamism is that of the insect. The hive -is the empire. Its main purposes are storage and race perpetuation. -Its chief aim is efficiency. The nation is everything; the individual -nothing. The individual is to work and store and is not even to take the -time to cry if he feels like it. - -“The hive has only two purposes--storage and race perpetuation. These -purposes are carried out with ruthless and perfect efficiency. The -drones are stung to death as soon as they are discovered. - -“In Berlin fifty-three per cent, of the workers live with their -families in two rooms. - -“Now I deny that the main purposes of human life are storage and race -perpetuation and efficiency. If that were true, the man that had the -most cash and wives and children would be the greatest man in the world. - -“A few years ago a man died in England. He had only a few books and -about five hundred dollars in money. Yet he was called one of the -greatest men in the world. Every one took off his hat to that man -because he had _Character_, He was Cardinal Newman. - -“Lincoln died poor and he was about the homeliest, awkwardest man -in America, and yet the whole world mourned for him because he had -accumulated _Character._ - -“That is the great thing, and the main purpose of life is to develop -character in _individuals_. That development comes mostly through -failure. Success is the worst of teachers. - -“If one were to estimate the greatness of a people he would disregard -its armies and navies and the splendor of its cities and the deposits in -its banks, and go out to that people and appraise the character of its -_average man_,--his respect for honor and decency and especially his -respect for that great, world embracing unit known as human rights. - -“Right here I must tell you the story of - - -THE LEATHERHEAD MONARCH. - -“There was once a man who was born successful. He inherited success and -for many years kept it coming his way. Did you ever hear of a man of the -name of Shote? Of course not. Neither did I. That's one reason why I am -going to call him Shote--John Shote, if you please. My story is -strictly true, but I would ask no one to believe the name of its leading -character. - -“John was a great success. Some people called him a great man. Indeed, -everybody took off his hat and said: 'How do you do, Mr. Shote?' or -words to that effect when he came along. - -“I suppose you will think that Mr. Shote only nodded and passed on, but -he was not so bad as that. No, he answered: 'Very well, thank you,' and -went about his business. He failed to return your solicitude but did not -wonder at it. - -“He lived in a neighboring town--let us call it Shoteville--and was -soon, indeed, the principal Shote of Shoteville. The business was there. -It had always prospered. When his father died, John took the crown and -became a swearing, rantankerous tyrant. - -“He inaugurated a system of efficiency. He trusted nobody. There was an -indicator at the entrance of the big building and every worker great and -small had to touch a button on this indicator when he left or entered -the place. He had a kind of guillotine in the office and every day heads -fell into the basket. But when a man left Mr. Shote it was a point to -his credit in Shoteville. It showed that he was above being sworn at. It -was a kind of recommendation--a thing to boast of. Every one in the shop -was sooner or later called by Mr. Shote “a damn leather head.” It was a -kind of initiation. If he accepted the classification and remained -Mr. Shote decided that he was amenable to discipline and thought him a -promising man. Outsiders looked down upon him. The men who stayed year -after year and endured the insults of Mr. Shote were known in that -community as 'the damn leatherheads.' - -“Every worker was a wheel or a shaft or a lever in the big machine. -When, worn or broken, he was cast aside. - -“It will be seen that Mr. Shote was one of the followers of William. -In his office were busts of Julius and Augustus Caesar and portraits -of Napoleon and Frederick the Great. He worshiped power and kicked the -common soldier. - -“While he was in America, I am glad to say he was not an American--not -really. To be sure he was born here and voted here, but he was really a -Prussian and his shop was a little kingdom in the midst of a democracy. - -“Mr. Shote really thought himself one of the noblest men that ever -lived. He was a great success even as a thinker. A man can think himself -into anything he pleases from a lobster to a saint. Just where he got -off I leave the reader to judge. - -“Unfortunately, Mr. Shote believed his own thoughts--all of them. It is -a dangerous habit to acquire--that of believing oneself--believe me. If -there's any one that requires careful corroboration it's yourself. Mr. -Shote could not help believing his own thoughts--they were so commanding -and imperious. - -“Whatever else we may say of him he was honest, as men go. He paid his -debts promptly and kept his credit high and even gave large sums to -charity. - -“His great lack was common sense; his great failing an uncontrolled -temper. When you become the pivot around which the whole world revolves -you are apt to get hot and noisy. The world bears down rather hard. So -Mr. Shote squeaked and roared with anger every day of his life. - -“His great vice was too much efficiency. No man in the plant had any -power of initiative, due to the fact that Mr. Shote had no faith in any -one but himself. The plant proceeded on an iron plan. - -“Now, every big thing that was ever accomplished has been the work of -some individual who at a critical moment has broken away from plans and -made his own orders and acted on them--the kind of thing that Grant -did at Appomattox; the kind of thing that Lincoln did in his great -proclamation. Bill Hohenzollern would have called it inefficiency. - -“Just that kind of thing would have saved Mr. Shote in the critical -moment of his career. That moment fell upon him like a thunderbolt out -of a dear sky one day. - -“If you sow Williamism you are bound to reap it Mr. Shote's lavish crop -ripened suddenly. - -“The 'Leatherheads' decided one day to meet efficiency with -_efficiency_. They were right Mr. Shote had been running a little -kingdom in America and the 'Leatherheads' founded one of their own. They -had started a union and appointed an emperor and told him to go ahead -and outkaiser the king. They struck for higher wages and fewer hours. -Mr. Shote was away at one of his palaces in the South. - -“Now all the trouble might have ended in a decent compromise that day if -the boss of the 'Leatherheads' on duty at the time had had the power and -courage to act on his own judgment and do a really big thing for once in -his life. He didn't have it. The wheels stopped. - -“The king returned. His irritation was heard in distant places. He would -never yield. His men were no longer 'Leatherheads.' They were inversely -promoted. It was a critical time in the business. The plant went into -default on its contracts. The king stood firm; so did the workers. - -“The plant was idle for months. It was the beginning of the end of Mr. -Shote's prosperity. His rivals captured his best men and his customers -and most of the good will he had enjoyed. The business went down like a -house of cards. - -“We often say that business is business here in America. It isn't so. -Business is more, much more than mere business here in America. It is -friendship, it is personality, it is credit--the credit for good sense -and square dealing and high character--a character that is shared in -some measure by every servant of the enterprise, be he manager or errand -boy. - -“That cohesive power that flows out of a great personality into the -whole structure of a business was not in the warp and woof of Mr. -Shote's commercial ramifications. They came to grief. So did Mr. Shote. - -“Then we discovered suddenly that Mr. Shote had two wives and two -families. As a husband and a father he had enjoyed a success at once -unusual and unsuspected. A superman is generally super married. He had -acquired imperial morals. The second wife appealed to the courts in a -wild yell for her stopped allowance and the result was that, in a short -time, Mr. Shote stood alone and universally despised between two family -fires. His efficiency had gone too far. - -“Again I say, success is the worst of teachers--save to those who sit in -the grand stand while it is working out its failure. Unfortunately, it -gave the laboring men of this country a lesson in Williamism which has -spread over America. I wish the workers all success in getting their -just share of the fruits of commerce, but let it be done by fair, -democratic methods and not through Williamism. - -“Above all no man should hitch his conscience to a post as if it were a -mule or a nanny-goat and go off and leave it. - -“It is to be hoped that the patriotic Samuel Gompers will not abandon -his pursuit of Williamism even after the war ends. - -“The big point of the whole thing is this: One day the Leatherhead -Monarch, came into this office, closed the door behind him, sat down -beside me and said: - -“'Mr. Potter, I see that I have the intellect of an idiot. What shall I -do to be saved?' - -“At last he had learned something--a really serviceable and important -fact--and he had learned it not by success but by failure.” - -As he approached his climax, Mr. Potter had shown a little annoyance -at the arrival of the waiter and the hash and the eggs and the pie. Mr. -Potter rose, stood his rifle in a corner and said: - -“I regret that my climax and this wandering Ganymede with his load of -hash should have arrived at the same moment.” - -The waiter spread the table in front of the fireplace. Mr. Potter put a -coin in his hand and pointing at the door said: - -“Go hence and come not back until to-morrow.” - -He placed chairs by the table and we sat down. - -“Is this pie, apple, that I see before me the handle toward my hand?” he -playfully remarked, as he lifted a firm built piece of pie in his hand -and began to eat it in the old fashion. “Bread may be the staff of life, -but pie is the light in its windows. I don't want to be hurried by its -invitation, so I guess I'll get it out of the way.” - - - - -CHAPTER III.--WHICH PRESENTS THE STORY OF THE SMOTHERED SON - - -Our dinner over, Mr. Potter put a new log on the fire. Then we set the -table aside and lighted our cigars. - -“There is another sector in the line of the Williamites that is pretty -thoroughly dug in,” said the Honorable Socrates, as he put his feet upon -the fender and leaned back comfortably in his chair. “Let me tell you -the story of - - -THE SMOTHERED SON. - -“She was a Williamistic widow--the relict of the late Samuel Butters. - -“She was also a Shrimpstone, of Kalamazoo. My friend, why do you sit -there in cold indifference when I mention a fact so inspiring?” - -“Who were the Shrimpstones?” I inquired. - -“The Shrimpstones! Jiminy crickets! Is it possible that you are not -familiar with the fame of Joshua Shrimpstone?” - -“I have to plead guilty,” was my answer. - -“To tell you the truth, so do I,” he went on, “but my own ignorance -never surprises me. There is so much of it that a little more or less -does not matter. It is the ignorance of so many of my fellow -countrymen regarding this important subject that fills me with pity and -astonishment. I have never met a man who could give me the slightest -information regarding the Shrimpstones. - -“It would seem that Mrs. Butters enjoys an arrogant and heartless -monopoly of all knowledge about them. One does not feel like asking her -to dispel his ignorance when she speaks the word 'Shrimpstone' as if it -opened vistas of incomparable splendor and inspiration. No, there are -things which even a lawyer can not do. There is a special look -in her eye and a lyrical note in her voice when she says 'my -grandfather, the late Joshua Shrimpstone.' I imagine that Bill -Hohenzollern looks like that when he says: 'My grandfather, Frederick -the Great' But I imagine, too, that Bill's manner is a bit more casual. - -“I had done some business for Mrs. Butters now and then, and one day she -came to get my advice on a strictly personal matter. Her son, John -Shrimpstone Butters, was just out of college. She had expected Butters & -Bronson, of the great corset factory, in which she had a considerable -interest, to take him into the firm and give him a commanding position -in the office. As they had not come forward with an invitation, she had -asked them for that favor. They had refused--actually and firmly -refused--and what do you think they had offered John--a great grandson -of Joshua Shrimpstone? Why, they had offered him a place as errand boy -at five dollars a week. They actually expected him to begin at the -bottom of the ladder and work his way up as if he were nothing more than -the ambitious son of a ditch digger. Mrs. Butters lost her self-control -and sobbed as she confided the distressing fact to me. - -“I told her that I would have a talk with Bill Bronson, the head of the -firm, and see what could be done about it, and she left me. - -“In my talk with him, Bill said: - -“'We should like to do anything we can for Mrs. Butters's boy but all -we can do is to give him a chance--the same chance that my own boy will -have. He can begin at the bottom and we will push him along from one -department to another as rapidly as he can master its details. He must -learn every process from the making to the delivery of the goods. Above -all, he must learn to be a good salesman. After a few years he might -become the Butters of Butters & Bronson if he were willing to work -hard.' - -“I wired Mrs. Butters to call again at my office. She called. I told her -what Bill Bronson had said to me. - -“'What!' she exclaimed. 'He expects my son to become a common drummer -and travel around selling goods to little shopkeepers! Impossible!' - -“'Why?' I asked. - -“'Because he does not have to. My grandfather, the late Joshua -Shrimp-stone, left us enough so that we do not have to do that kind of -thing. Besides. I do not think it is necessary. My son has intelligence -enough to learn those menial pursuits without having to do them.' - -“'You are wrong,' I said. 'The American way is to begin at the bottom. -It's a very good way--the only way by which one may be thoroughly -prepared for management. In that way he gets hold of the sense that is -common in the rank and file of his army, and knowing that, he will know -what to do in every emergency.' - -“'If that is true, John might as well have been born poor. Does his -position and the fact that I have five thousand shares of stock count -for nothing?' - -“'Well, you get dividends on the stock. If you expect to get dividends -also on the position that you got from your grandfather you are wrong. -In this country we have no crown princes who begin at the top. Inherited -superiority is an amusing thing to look at but a poor foundation for -credit. In this country we bank on demonstrated superiority.' - -“Mrs. Butters rose and haughtily withdrew from my office with the pride -of the Shrimpstones glittering in her eye. - -“Now, John Butters was a good fellow. He was over-mothered. Indeed, the -word for it is smothered. He was like a man cast into the sea with a -Shrimpstone tied around his neck. He would have done well with half a -chance. I never saw a man so badly in need of poverty, so damned with -affectionate, gilded, comfortable female despotism. She bought one -business after another for him and put him in at the top. He has failed -in all these undertakings. His way is littered with broken crowns and -the wreckage of little kingdoms. - -“Now his youth is gone and he is the same useless, ineffective good -fellow that he was in the beginning. For years he and his mother have -been sitting on that high horse of hers and galloping around to the -amusement of all beholders. He has got tired of it and jumped off and -settled down as the clerk of a wife who takes him lightly. - -“He is the victim of assumed superiority which is nothing more or less -than Williamism.” - - - - -CHAPTER IV.--WHICH HANDS OUT SOME SOME COMMON TO THE SUPERERS IN AMERICA - - -The Honorable Socrates Potter went to the typewriter and got some oil -and a cloth and began to clean the gun of his great grandfather as he -talked. - -“You see, William says: To hell with the common man. Let him do the work -and the fighting. We'll take the product of toil and the loot of war and -enjoy ourselves. We will not have a thing to do but super. If we glut -the officers of the army and our leading citizens with, the product and -the loot, they'll stand by us. - -“Is it not significant that the number of plutocrats in Germany has -doubled since the war began? William proposes to make human slaughter a -business. He is running a giant butcher shop. - -“Every idler, every superer is an ally of William and an enemy of -Democracy.” - -“But they seem to get the best of it--these superers,” I suggested. -“They have a lot of fun.” - -“They seem to, but, soon or late, they learn it hasn't paid. They come -to grief or insanity--these slackers in the game of life. Let me tell -you the little story of - - -THE WEDDING TOURIST. - -“She had the most curious and painful brainful of sense preferred in the -whole show. - -“When I was a small boy my pocket was one day dispossessed of some green -apples, a quantity of horse nails and lead sinkers, a squirt gun, a -bird's nest; a piece of beeswax and a hawk's wing. This collection would -rank high as an exhibit of eccentric assets, but the contents of this -lady's mind belongs in the same alcove. - -“It is to be credited to Alabama where she was born about sixty years -before I met her in Paris last summer. She had a charming southern -accent. It was the best thing she had. I liked it. I like all those -little provincialisms which have the flavor of their native air and -soil. Why shouldn't the manner of decent men and women grow in the way -of nature out of their environment? I love the drawl that is the natural -product of New England, the quaint, indolent slur of Dixieland, the -breezy dialect of the Far West. If they all talked alike what a dull -country we should have! - -“Certain of the schools are trying to force a common method of speech. -It is the dialect of Mayfair and Fifth Avenue. It would seem that they -wish to turn us into human bricks of the same size, grade and color. -Under the encouragement of Mr. Henry James, whose slender Americanism -perished at last in formal expatriation, our New York and New England -girls have begun to talk like Duchesses. But among women of the South -and the Far West, you may still hear the real, genuine American talk. To -me it is refreshing. - -“At least this may be said for The Wedding Tourist--she was no -school-made, rococo Duchess. She was as real and unaffected as a bale of -hay. - -“Sometimes I call her The Grasshopper Widow because she was always -on the move. She had hopped twice around the world and back. When she -needed a husband she reached out and grabbed one and hastened away on -another wedding tour as if nothing had happened. - -“To her, life was a series of wedding tours. She had jumped from one -honeymoon to another in the most casual and engaging fashion. She was, -indeed, a kind of professional honey-mooner who from the beginning of -her matrimonial career had enjoyed the pseudonym of Baby. Inns, table -d'hôtes, ruins, art galleries, theaters, scenery and honey-fuglement had -filled her life. - -“She had explored the capitals of the world with real feminine -curiosity. She had loved their music and doted upon their art and tasted -their religion and rustled in their silks and generally beat the bushes -to see what would run out. - -“When we first met, a remark of hers suggested my query: - -“'Was your husband a Yale man?' - -“'Which one? I've had two an' a half.' - -“'Two and a half I I never heard of a fractional husband before.' - -“'My first husband was only half a man, suh. I married my guardian when -I was sixteen. He nevah would do a thing between trips but sit around -an' eat an' drink mint juleps. We went on our wedding tour and I kept -him going for two years, but it was hard work. Nearly wore me out. He -was like one of those toys that you have to wind up before it will go. -Always had a pain in his feet--nevah could dance or do a thing but just -sit, or ride on the cars or in a spring wagon. Lordy, girls! don't evah -marry a man 'til you've tried his feet an' have confidence in 'em. Now, -you hear me! He nevah did do a thing to please me but call me “Baby.” - -“The next man I married had a sistuh with a weak mind by the name of -Peggy. I had to look after her an' she'd take out her mind, like, an' -open it an' show it to everybody that came into the house, an' turn it -inside out as if she was right proud of it. Honestly, it reminded me of -my boy when he got his first watch--how he'd open it an' show you the -works an' then hold it up to your ear so you could hear it tick. That's -what Peggy was always doing with her mind, recitin' poetry or showin' -you pearls of thought taken out of the clam beds of her intellect. It -certainly was awful! - -“Tercy Higginbottom had a wooden leg an' limped some, but the worst -thing about him was Peggy. I have erected a monument a mile high to that -man in the graveyard of my memory. He was right good to me. He would -stump around all day lookin' at sights and take me to the theater in the -evening and to supper afterwards and nevah murmured. Sometimes his leg -got sore but he kept up. - -“'I married him in Paris. We started off on our weddin' tour an' it -lasted about fifteen years. We traveled an' traveled all that time. We -played we was just married and on our honeymoon. - -“'He used to say: “Baby, what a wonderful time we are having on this -wedding tour.”' - -“'We had two children--a boy and a girl. Once a year we'd come back to -Paris and spend two or three months with them.' - -“'You didn't take them with you?' - -“'We left them with Mr. Higginbottom's mothah an' a nurse an' governess. -Peggy, the sistuh with a weak mind, went with us--she was all the care -we needed. She knew enough to hook an' button my dresses an' help me -pack. She was the only black spot in all those happy years. - -“'Percy took care o' my jewels. It was all he had to do.' - -“'A tender husband and a watch dog of the jewels!' I remarked. - -“'And there were hours when it kept him mighty busy--you hear me. I -can't help laughin' whenever I think of it. - -“'Once we missed one of my rings. We thought it had been stolen. The -hotel manager had every maid and bell boy brought into our room and -searched. Suddenly Percy found it in a waistcoat pocket. - -“'One evening we were gettin' off a steamer. Suddenly I slapped my hand -on my breast and yelled: - -“'“My sunburst! Lord o' mercy! it's gone!”' - -“'I was suah that I had put it on. We ran back up the gangway. We had -only five minutes. Peggy fainted away--she was that weak-minded. You -didn't dare sneeze for fear she would faint away. Percy grabbed her. I -ran for the stateroom an' found the sunburst where I had left it under -my pillow. We were all in, believe me--it nearly killed us. When -we moved Percy always called the roll like: “The ruby ring,” an' I -answered, “Here.”' - -“The jade necklace.” - -“Here.” Like that, until we knew that we had them all. That evening we -didn't have time. - -“'But we certainly did see the world until we lost something better than -all the jewels. Lordy! Lordy! what a world it is!' - -“'The boy died when he was eight. We were in Cairo. We hurried back to -Paris. Mr. Higginbottom was nevah the same after that. I nevah could get -him out of Paris again. He died there. - -“'My next husband was the dearest and best man that evah did live. I met -him here in Paris. His name was Horton. Weighed three hundred and fifty -pounds. Some man! I says to myself: Now here's a man that'll las' me as -long as I live. He drank too much, but I soon cured him o' that. He gave -it up entirely an' our weddin' tour lasted 'til he died.' - -“'Perhaps it wore him out,' I suggested. - -“'No, he liked it and we were just as happy as two turtle doves. When -I asked him to do anything, he would always say: “Well, Baby, you know -best.”' - -“'But he couldn't walk much. Weight was his great weakness. If you were -jus' to think of him as a husband he was a little heavy; but no man is -perfect.' - -“'We had a big limousine an' he toted me around in that an' hired a maid -to climb stairs an' go to the churches an' theaters an' art galleries -with me.' - -“'My daughtah had married an' settled in Chicago. One Decembah we -thought it would be nice to go and spend Christmas with her. I just -thought I'd stop beating around and get acquainted with my own family. -We left Paris on the tenth and reached Chicago on the twenty-second. I -called my daughtah on the telephone from our hotel.' - -“'“My goodness! Is that you?” she said. - -“'“Yes,” I said, “we have come all the way from Paris to spend Christmas -with you.” - -“'I'm awfully sorry, mothah,” she says. “The house will be full -Christmas Day, but we'll have you for New Yeah's.” - -“She stopped and wiped the tears from her eyes. - -“'Say, I felt as if I had been hit with an axe. My husband said: - -“'Well, Baby, I guess they don't want us. Don't you mind. We'll have a -good Christinas dinner here at the hotel and then we'll go and spend a -month in New York.” - -“'I stopped traveling and went to thinking. Poor Mr. Horton didn't live -long. Now he's gone an' I haven't anybody. No, my daughtah does not -care for me. Her ol' nurse lives with her--an ignorant French woman. I -offered to work hard if she would send that nurse away an' take me to -live with her. She wouldn't do it--no, suh! She loves that nurse an' -doesn't care for me--not the snap of her fingah. I have been trying to -get a chance to work for the Red Cross. My money is about gone. They -say money talks but all it evah says to me is “good-by.” My daughtah's -husband has offered me a small allowance, but I will not take their -money--no, suh! One wants affection from her daughtah--not charily! -Lordy! what a world it is an' what fools we are!' - -“'You've been playing ever since you were a little girl, and you're -tired.' - -“'Yes, I'm tired. I remember how my big brother used to come an' plague -me an' break my toys. That is what Death has been doing to me. Wouldn't -let me alone. I reckon he saw how foolish I was. I've seen about -everything but I think the grandest sight in the world would be some one -who was glad to see _me_. You can't make friends an' be always on the -move.' - -“I suppose she had come back to Paris to comb the beach for another -wreck. But her beauty was gone--so was her occupation of Baby. - -“Often, I wonder just how the story is to end--the story of that -pathetic woman who was reaping what she had sown--the harvest of the -childless mother. - -“Well, anyhow, at last, common sense had landed in her intellect. She -had never given it a chance before. Hadn't stood still long enough.” - - - - -CHAPTER V. WHICH DROPS A FEW ROUNDS OF SHRAPNEL ON THE HUNS IN AMERICA - - -Mr. Potter had got through with the gun. He rose and went to the wash -basin as if intending to wash his hands. He turned suddenly as if he -thought Germany were more in need of a washing. He strode toward me with -a new idea gleaming in his eye and said: - -“Darn it, I ain't got time to wash now. These Germans claim that they -are the freest people in the world, and they are right.” - -He thumped the table with a shut fist as he resumed his talk. - -“One kind of liberty thrives under the Hohenzollerns: license is the -precise word for it--not liberty--license to eat and drink and be sorry- --to satisfy the appetites of the flesh. The great crowd will stand a lot -of tampering with its rights if you give it a good time--a broad -privilege of self-indulgence. The Germans were a great people when Bill -Hohenzollern took the reins of power--good-natured, industrious, God- -fearing. The young men were encouraged to found their happiness on the -sands of women, wine and song. - -“The wine press and the beer vat are the indispensable adjuncts of -Hohenzollerism. Alcohol is the balm of the mislaid conscience, the -nourishment of the big-head and the pneumatic brain. These things lead -to worse things. Swinish indulgence leads to the morals of the -swine-yard. - -“The church began to lose its power. The clergy were treated as -Frederick treated the common soldier. They were kicked into servility. -At first this kicking was politely done. Often the sore part was salved -by the gift of a hundred marks. They were treated like hired men. They -were to understand that they were just humble servants and that the -Kaiser needed none of their advice. He knew all about the plans of God. -Of course, in a little while, no man of brains and character would go -near a pulpit. The priests of God became servile sycophants. The people -ceased to respect them. The church had lost its power. To Germany it was -an immeasurable loss. - -“In France I found good evidence of the utter depravity of the German -soldier. God knows I would not have thought it possible--the raping, -the maiming of children, the daughters of whole communities carried into -bondage. I would have thought that the decency common among dogs, even, -in a Christian country, these days, would have shielded the helpless -from such cruelty. It is evident that the officers gave countenance and -encouragement to these crimes, or they could not have been accomplished. -At the knowledge of these things, a cry of shame for their brothers in -Germany has risen from the lips of all civilized men the world over. - -“The infamy goes back to the men higher up--to Bill Hohenzollern and his -gang of pirates and highwaymen. They have slain the soul of Germany. - -[Illustration: 0101] - -“I am told by men who have lived there that in certain provinces a -chaste woman is a thing unknown. Let us hope this exaggerates the truth. -As to that I have no knowledge. But that the land of the Kaiser has lost -its chivalry I have no doubt whatever. The loss of chivalry stands for -the loss of conscience--for moral degradation. A man's value as a man -may be accurately measured by his respect for women. A man who has no -respect for women will have respect for your rights only because he has -to. He would steal your purse if he dared. He is rotten to the core. -Moreover, unless women are pure there can be no purity because they have -the tender soul of childhood in their keeping. - -“We ought to establish a moral quarantine here and save ourselves from -the peril of German leprosy. It has arrived. It is spreading. You will -find its symptoms in our theaters, now largely in the hands of the -Germans. - -“I have traveled much these late years and have failed to find an -American city in which there was not one or more plays or moving -pictures which reflected the morals of the swine-yard. There I have -found girls and boys and children who are to make the life of America, -drinking at the fountain of pollution, cleverly designed by the sex -maniacs who live in the white lights of Broadway. On every sort of -specious pretext--mostly that of warning the young--spaniel youths -and porcelain-faced daughters of iniquity are paraded in libidinous -enterprises. The cabarets and brothels of New York, with their fist -fights between young women, their desperate, bull-dog encounters between -sex maniacs, their ogling, besotted degenerates, sometimes with a -lame pretense of a moral and sometimes without it, are shown for the -entertainment of young America. - -“The Huns have already invaded America, my friend. They are armed with -things more deadly than guns and bullets. Their gun is the camera, their -ammunition, the moving picture. That picture penetrates to the heart -and soul of the young and no surgery can remove it. To them, seeing is -believing. - -“A man is mostly the sum of his memories. Think back and tell me what -you remember of your childhood. It's the pictures you saw. I think the -first thing I remember is the picture of a cat which my mother drew on a -slate for me--a highly benevolent cat it was. The one I have remembered -best is that of my mother standing in the morning sunlight among the -hollyhocks by the open door and waving her handkerchief to me the day I -went away to school. How often it has flashed out of my memory in these -last forty years. There is no power like that of a picture for good or -evil in the life of a child. Pictures are, indeed, the universal -language of childhood. - -“Now what is there in this special claim of the sex mongers that the -truth about life--however hideous and revolting it may be--would best -be known of all? Just this--it should be made known but not publicly in -books and theaters. It should not be made a familiar thing--sitting at -meat and lying down in bed with the sensitive imagination of the young. -That will be sure to make it the one great truth of life. I prefer -the privacy of home and the loving caution of a mother, taking care to -impart the whole truth with its setting of perils and with no glamour -of romance about it. I would as soon have my daughter's feet enter a -brothel as her brain. She might shake the dust from her feet. - -“What were the fruits of this home method in old New England? I would -remind these European Americans who provide our amusements for us that -the world has never seen a civilization like that of old New England. -I am not saying that it had no faults, but its human product has justly -excited the wonder and admiration of the world. There was not much of -it. You could pick up those six little states and set them down within -the boundaries of Minnesota and have 19,200 square miles to spare. Yet -they gave to the world in the space of forty years, men of the stamp of -Daniel Webster, Silas Wright, Charles Sumner, William Lloyd Garrison, -William M. Evarts, George F. Edmunds, James G. Blaine, E. J. Phelps, -Rufus Choate, Henry Ward Beecher, Dr. Channing, Lyman Abbott, Ralph -Waldo Emerson, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Henry W. Longfellow, John G. -Whittier, James Russell Lowell, Edmund C. Stedman, the Dwights, the -Washburns. - -“Wouldn't that seem to be doing fairly well? - -“Now the fact is, men and women long for inspiration to a nobler life. -There are those who will tell you that the crowds who go to hear Billy -Sunday, do it simply to be amused. It is not true. It is a deeper thing. -They go, driven by soul hunger. They long for wholesome food for -the spirit. They wish to be stirred to nobler action and feel the -inspiration of better ideals. They come by tens of thousands. - -“There never was a clean, uplifting, noble work of fiction that did not -number its readers by the million. There never was a strong inspiring -play--like _Peter Pan_ or _Shore Acres_--that failed to play to the full -capacity of the house in which it was presented for years. - -“Why then, ask us to wallow in all uncleanness--in the swine-yard of -humanity? - -“It is because uncleanness is cheaper and easier to get and is sure of -an audience equally large and less discriminating; it is because these -Huns care only for their own pockets and not a fig for the public good. - -“Now, here is a work for the women of America. Here is a battle front on -which they can fight the Huns. Men can help and will help, but they are -busy with the more obvious and commonplace problems. This is a job of -housecleaning. It is primarily a woman's job--that of setting in -order the great house of America and looking after the welfare of its -children. There is no greater work to be done than that of regenerating -the theater. They can do it if they will.” - - - - -CHAPTER VI.--WHICH IS MOSTLY FOR THE BOYS OF OUR ARMY - - -The Honorable Socrates Potter hung up the old rifle and washed his -hands. There was a very gentle look in his eyes as he began pacing the -floor. I saw: that another mood was coming. - -“We must learn that wealth is no excuse for idleness or pride,” he went -on. “Every one must find his work and do it, or come to grief--that is -the conclusion of the whole matter. We have our European Americans--our -Mislaid Consciences, our Leatherhead Monarchs, our Smothered Sons, our -Shrimpstones, our Wedding Tourists. We must use the slipper with a firm -but kindly hand, and remind them that they are of the Hohenzollern -breed and request them to fall in line and get the pace and spirit of -Democracy. - -“With all our faults we are, in the main, sound and healthy. Our average -man can be relied upon. He is our heart and sinew. We need not boast of -him. He is willing to give all rather than see the spirit of man yield -an inch of the progress it has made. That is enough to say of him. If -any European country can match him, we are glad and he is glad--not -envious. - -“Our average man would enjoy a drink now and then, but in many of our -states he has said: 'If the good of humanity demands it, let there be -prohibition--anyhow we will give it a trial.' - -“The trouble with Russia lies in the fact that among its people there -are no individuals--no men trained in the use of the intellect and the -conscience. Its people are like bricks, all of the same shape, size -and color--all two inches wide and six inches long. They have a common -denominator of material and a common numerator of ignorance. Between -them and their rulers there has been no average man to speak for them, -so the people are helpless. They know not what to say or do. They have -been Kerenskyed and Trotskyfied and driven about like cattle. - -“The Germans have an average man, but he has suffered himself to be -Williamized. His conscience has been mislaid. - -[Illustration: 0117] - -“Since 1860 this average man of ours has given of his blood and -substance for the ideals of Democracy and with not the remotest hope of -gain. His God is the father of the whole human family--a God of progress -whose aim is not the selfish enjoyment of a favored few, but the welfare -of all men the world over. His aim is, in short, common sense--a common -sense of honor and decency and brotherhood in the great family. - -“Again we fight for this ideal--driven to it by the hateful conduct of -our brothers in Germany. - -“I wish you would say for me to the folks at home that there is a great -opportunity in this big common purpose of ours--an opportunity to drop -all outworn and unessential differences of creed and get together. Let -us inaugurate the Ismless Sunday and cut out the waste--the waste of -rent and interest and coal and light and energy. Let us cut out the -empty seats and the empty preachers and the quarrelsome brothers and -sisters and get together in the biggest meeting-house in town on a -basis of common sense--the common sense of the fatherhood of God and the -brotherhood of man with Christ as the great example. Let us not worry -and quarrel as to whether Christ was God or man. He was the first -and greatest Democrat and would have us work together in peace for -Democracy. That is the important thing. - -“Tell those ladies who sit around the fireplace knitting sweaters and -indulging in delicious chills of pessimism, to quit. There should be -an asylum for the misery lovers who sit in snug security and dream of -misfortunes--Zeppelin raids, submarine bombardments and the end of the -world. They grab at every straw of pessimism. Nothing pleases them so -much as to find fault with the Government, which is doing its best with -a difficult problem, and mighty well at that. - -“Tell them to stop shooting at the pianist. He is the only one we have. -All faces to the front! The spirit of Democracy is _confidence_ in the -justice and the success of its cause. Let there be no discordant voices -in our chorus. - -“That reminds me of the story of - - -THE CUFFING OF ANN MARIA. - -“In the town of my birth there lived a hen-pecked farmer of the name of -Amos Swope. He was a peaceful and contented soul without any good excuse -for it. His wife, Ann Maria, was a scold and a fault finder. She had -pecked upon Amos for years. When she got tired her sister came and -helped her. My father used to say that they reminded him of Philo -Scott's pet crane. Philo used to lead him around with a big cork stuck -on the end of his bill. - -“'What is that cork on his bill for?' my father asked. - -“'So's 't he can't peck,' said Philo. - -“'Can he peck?' - -“'Tolerable severe, an' when he hits anything he calcallates to put a -hole in it, an' he ain't often disapp'inted. One day my dog, Christmas, -tackled him and the old crane fetched Christmas a peck on the forward -an' I ain't seen that dog since. He's just naturally mean an' he ain't -never learnt how to control himself.' - -“So it was with Ann Maria and her sister. But Amos used to sit as quiet -and unconcerned as an old tree with a pair of wood-peckers knockin' away -at it. He never pecked back but once. - -“They had gone up to the St. Lawrence to camp out an' fish for a week or -so--Amos and his boy, Bill, and Ann Maria and her sister. One day when -they were landing a big fish they got into the stiff current above the -Long Sault. Something had to be done right away. Amos dropped his tackle -and began pulling on the oars. Bill went to work with his paddle. The -women began to complain an' move around and rock the boat. They knew -they were going to be drowned. They insisted upon it with loud cries. -Amos, in the midst of heroic efforts, tried to quiet them. They -continued to cry out and when the boat shipped water they dodged. It was -a bad situation. - -“Amos fetched Ann Maria a cuff and told her to dry up an' sit still. The -women obeyed him. When they were out of danger he said: - -“'It ain't fair to expect a man to rassle with a strong current an' run -an insane asylum all in the same minute. If ye can't help, don't hinder. -You two have been rockin' the boat for years an' I guess it's about time -ye quit.' - -“People used to say that Ann Maria turned over a new leaf and behaved -herself proper after that. - -“There's some folks that are pecking at the country these days. We're -in the current of the Long Sault and Uncle Sam has the oars. We should -remember that if we can't help we mustn't hinder. We can help William a -lot by just yelling and rocking the boat. - -“I wish you would say to the boys in camp on both sides of the ocean -that I should like to go and share their work and perils. Last autumn -I crossed the French and British lines where hostile shells were -bursting--sometimes uncomfortably near me--and went within ninety feet -of the German trenches. I have tried the perils which our boys will have -to suffer, but, unfortunately, I am too old to fight with them. - -“It is a great privilege they enjoy--that of going out to battle for -honor and decency and the good of the world. They have entered the great -university of common sense. There is no other like it. What a school -is that comradeship of the camp and the trenches! For the first time in -history the whole civilized world stands shoulder to shoulder.” - -“Do you think our boys are likely to profit by their experience?” I -asked. - -“It all depends on the boy. - -“Let me tell you a story just as I heard it from the lips of an American -soldier lad. I would call it: - - -THE ALL HE LIFE - -“He was a big, broad shouldered, brawny man with a rugged manner of -speech. He described himself very well when he said to me: I can think -as pure white as anybody but I want to talk like a he man.' - -“He had been wounded by a burst of shrapnel and was not badly hurt, -although one side of his face looked as if it had been raked by the -claws of a leopard. He had told me that for a day after the accident -he had heard a sound in his head 'like two skeletons rassling on a tin -roof.' - -“Who but an American soldier in France would talk like that? Indeed -I found that he was from Kansas City and had the mixed dialect of the -midcountry. - -“'Do you think it makes ye better or worse--this game of war?' I asked. - -“'Well, sir, I'd say better,' he answered. 'Ye get things measured up -right, over here. Ye learn how to use yer thinker. Nobody knows what -peace and home and friends are worth 'til they're gone and ye don't know -whether you're ever going to see 'em again or not It ain't a bad thing -to live the all he life a while and see the family in dreams. They look -so gol durnably different. I reckon it's helped me. Maybe I better -tell ye a little story and you'll see what I mean. It'll be a Christmas -story. - -“'We were in the ruined city of Peronne that Christmas Day. My friend -and I were homesick and had tramped across country from the camp of our -engineering corps to send a message to our wives in Kansas City, and -to blow ourselves to a good dinner with a bottle of wine and cigars if -money could buy 'em. We were a little over beaned and tea!--gosh! we -were soaked in it, and that French tobacco reminded me of my father's -cure for the epizootic. We had been gander-dancing on a new railroad for -weeks. We were shovel tired and kind o' man weary. By thunder! we hadn't -seen a woman in three months. - -“'You who see women every day don't realize that they're a pretty -necessary part of the scenery. Oh, you don't miss 'em for a week or -so, but by and by you begin to find out there's something wrong. Things -don't look right. The hole in the doughnut is too big. You'd be kind -o' glad to hear what somebody said at the Woman's Club, and all about -Betsey Baker's new pink silk, and how shabby that one old dress of -your wife's was getting to be. You'd like to see a set o' skirts come -along--I _guess._ It would kind o' comfort you. If you didn't have -pretty good self-control you'd get up and wave your hat and holler. - -“'Then--_children_--that's another thing you miss. We don't see 'em on -the battle front--ne'er a one! What a hole they make in the world when -you take 'em out of it!--especially if you've got some of your own. They -come to me in my dreams--the wife and babies! I'll bet ye there's -more'n a thousand of 'em crowding into that big camp every night, about -dream-time, and looking for theirs. - -“'Oh, I wouldn't have ye get the idea that we set and sob and talk mush -and look sorrowful there. If you just grabbed a look at us and went on -you'd say we were no Hamlets. Gosh, no! We play cards and joke and laugh -and tell stories a plenty. You wouldn't get what's down under it all -unless some feller kind o' confessed and turned state's evidence. No, -sir--I don't believe you would. - -“'I'm just telling ye enough to make ye understand why We went out to -Peronne that Christmas Day and what happened to us there. I speak -French pretty glib--that's another reason why we went. My mother was -a Louisiana French woman. I got it from her when I was a little -chap--never forgot it--and I bossed a gang of Frenchmen for two years. - -“'We found a man who ran a little grocery shop and restaurant down in -one of the old cellars. He had had a fine big café up-stairs before the -German army swatted the town with dynamite. He was a sad little man who -lived down there in the lamplight with his wife. The Huns had carried -their two daughters away with them. He had cleaned the litter out of his -cellars and repaired their walls and so they had a home and something to -do. - -“'I asked him if he could get up a good dinner for us. - -“'“Oui, Monsieur,” he answered promptly. “I can get you a fine duck and -celery and preserved strawberries, and I could make a little pastry.” - -“'“How much for the dinner?” - -“'“Thirty francs--I can not make it less.” - -“'“Make it forty and we'll call it a bargain,” I urged. - -“'You should have seen the smile on his face then. - -“'“Les Americans! They always talk like that--God be with them!” he -said. “Trust me, Monsieur. I will make you happy.” - -“'Dinner would be ready in two hours and we went out for a walk and -a look at the waste of ruins. It seemed as if there were miles of -them--honestly! You see they loaded every basement with dynamite and -wired the whole place and then touched the button. Down it came. There -isn't a roof standing. We tramped about looking for relics. It was a -pretty day and warm in the sunlight. - -“'Suddenly a woman, dressed in black, with a little girl about six years -old--spick and span and pretty as a picture--came along. They looked -like angels to us. Didn't seem so they was exactly human. We stood -watching 'em. - -“'I reckon I'd have give about a year o' my life for a day's use o' that -kid--honestly. I'd just like to have got down on the ground and rolled -and hollered and tickled and tossed her just as I used to play with my -own kids. My hands itched to get hold of her. We followed along behind -'em kind o' hankerin' and a wishin'. She was a pretty little thing as ye -ever looked at, with curly hair hanging down on her shoulders and shiny, -silver buckled slippers and white stockin's. I just wanted to frame up -some kind of excuse to speak to 'em, but I suppose they wouldn't have -understood me. - -“'They stopped and looked around a minute and then the woman opened -an iron gate and they went into one of the old dooryards. When we came -along we saw that the woman was sitting amongst the rubbish and crying. - -“'“It's her home--dummed if it ain't,” I whispered. - -“'I reckon 'twas natural for 'em to come back to it on Christmas -Day--plumb natural to come back to where they had been happy once with -all the family around. What a place! You'd think that an earthquake -and a cyclone had gone into partnership for about a minute and done a -smashing business. About half the back wall was standing and there hung -a little corner of the attic floor and the wind had blown the dirt up -there and some flowers and grass all withered by the cold had sprung up -in it, and beyond that was an old baby carriage with a ragged top and a -spinning-wheel. - -“'The little girl didn't seem to notice her mother. She was running -around on the ruins and picking up broken dishes. I reckon that kid had -got used to the crying of men and women. The sight of grief didn't worry -her any more--not a bit. She was flying around like a bird on the ruins. - -“'We sat down behind some bushes by the iron fence just to see what -happened. - -“'By and by I heard the little girl call in a voice that kind o' made me -swaller--honest it was as sweet as the first bird song in the spring. - -“'“Mother! Mother!” she called. - -“'“What is it--little one!” the mother answered. - -“'“Dinner's ready.” - -“Talk about silver bells! Say, mister, never again! Honest, I never heard -a sound like the voice of that kid. It kind o' floored me--sure thing! -Up there at the front we just hear the growling of cannon and the -whinnying of horses and the swearing of men day and night. Maybe that's -why the kid's voice took hold of us that way. I don't know. After I had -heard it I felt as if I could walk to Kansas City. Honest Injun! - -“'We peeked through the bushes and saw that the little girl had dragged -a board between her and her mother and covered it with broken dishes. -Then she began to chitter-chatter. - -“'Here's some lovely soup and there's a fine goose and a great bowl full -of the best jelly that ever was and potatoes and celery and spinach and -everything that you like, mother. It's a Christmas dinner you know. -Papa will sit here and Henri will sit there and we are going to have the -grandest time.” - -“'So the little chatter-box went on--good deal like a fine lady--and her -mother said: - -“'“Papa! Henri! They are not here! They will eat no more with? us.” - -“'“Why?” - -“'”_Mort pour la patrie_--both of them! my child!” - -“'“No, mother, they are here. I can see them just as plain! Come, -mother, they are waiting!” - -“'Oh, by thunder! If I only had a mind like that I said to myself--a -mind that hadn't got so kind of stiff and sore and muscle bound--a mind -that was so clean and supple and that hadn't forgotten how to believe in -the things I do not see. Or do ye suppose that the clear eyes of a kid -can realty see things that we can't? - -“'“God bless you--nay little saviour! You know how to make me -happy--don't ye?” said the mother with her handkerchief at her eyes. - -“Then they both sat down there and began to eat that ghostly dinner with -the ghosts of the dead. - -“'Gosh all hemlock! I just shut my eyes and heard a sound like a wind -blowing in my head. I turned and whispered to my pal.' - -“'“You stay here. I'll be back right away.”' - -“Then I sloped on my tiptoes. Went to the cellar and found that man -and brought him with me. I told him to invite them to dinner and that I -would pay for it. I didn't care if it took the last sous marquee in my -breeches. - -“When we got back they were both singing _The Marseillaise_, that -my mother taught me when I was a kid, as they sat at their Christmas -dinner: - - - Amour sacré de la patrie - - Conduis soutiens nos bras vengeurs - - Liberté Liberté cherie, - - Combats avec tes défenseurs! - - -“They heard us coming and stopped. Can ye beat it? Say, mister, the -boches might as well try to conquer the birds of the air. - -“The man knew them. They had been well off and respectable folks in -Peronne before the war. Now they were refugees living on charity in a -distant village. - -“'We gave them a part of our dinner but I do not think they were as -happy in the cellar as they had been with the ghosts. They were very -glum but we--well, ye know, sir, I reckon they helped our Christmas a -lot. You bet I do. - -“'Ye know I had him put three extra plates at oar table--one for Mary -and one for little Kate and one for my roguish boy Bill. Say, I had -learned something from that kid--you bet. It isn't necessary for me to -fall asleep to have 'em with me now. - -“The eats! Say, Fred Harvey wouldn't be deuce high with that little -Frenchman. - -“'We had _some_ dinner, don't you doubt it, my friend, and forgot that -there was a war. - -“'And ye know the funny part of it is this: Mary wrote me of her dream -that she and the kids had dinner with me on Christmas Day.' - -“I have told you this story because it gives you a day in the life of an -American soldier, with its psychological background and a glimpse of the -fatherless children. If you were one of the boys in khaki I would remind -you that, after all, there is only one great thing in the world--man. -What an extension of human sympathy and understanding is coming to you, -my bright young soldier lad! As it comes it will go out in some measure -to the duller fellows who share your thought and meat and perils. - -“You will have a wiser brain, a nobler spirit and a stronger body. This -digging and marching and sweating in the open is the best thing that can -happen to you. I often thought that no wiser thing could be done for our -college boys than mobilize them every summer and send them to camp in -the wheat-fields for two or three months of hard work. - -“What's the matter with an army of peace, with its companies, regiments -and divisions, doing, under military discipline, constructive instead of -destructive work--doing the things that need most to be done, getting -in the harvests or building roads? It might give a part of its time each -day to military training, especially to rifle practise. It would be a -school of Democracy. Its best product would be spirit, its next best -brawn, and last of all the work done. - -“You will encounter perils in France, my brave lad, and the least of -them will be those of the battle-field. It is when you go to Paris on -leave that I would have you look out for yourself. - -“I'm not much of a preacher. I am not so foolish as to think that all -wisdom is in the Bible. To speak honestly, I am inclined to think that -there are many things in the Bible which oughtn't to be there. The -Kaiser seems to me to be imitating the sanctified slayers of the Old -Testament. You will find chapters there which read like a report of the -German General Staff after a successful drive. It is there that crazy -Bill finds his warrant for disemboweling so many people and mistreating -his prisoners. That kind of history should be summarily deprived of the -odor of sanctity, in my humble opinion. - -“But there is one sentence of Scripture that I would have you -remember--my brave, fine fellows who are to fight under this flag -of ours. Having lived some fifty years and been a somewhat careful -observer, I would call it the most impressive sentence ever written. It -is full of vital truth. Every young man ought to read it once a day and -think of it as often as he is tempted. It is from the book of Job and it -says: - -“'His bones are full of the sin of his youth, which shall lie down with -him in the dust.' - -“Think it over, boys. Think of that word 'bones' which indicates how -deeply it lays hold of you, and of the clause 'which shall lie down with -him in the dust,' which indicates that only death can break its hold. - -“Don't let the optimistic young doctors fool you. It is a serious -matter. You can get along with the mud and vermin of the trenches. They -will only afflict the outside of you. The main thing is to keep clean -inside. Don't allow your life currents to be polluted. See that you -bring bade to your home a clean body. - -“You will do this, unless, when you go to Paris or to some other city, -on leave, you fall for that French wine and lose your head in the -process. Let it alone, I beg of you, and remember that your greatest -peril is not on the battle-field. - -“Do not for a moment lose faith in the issue. 'The cause of Liberty -bequeathed from sire to son, though baffled oft is ever won.' - -“I have seen how eagerly, how cheerfully the young men at the front -give their lives for something greater than they. It has filled me with -wonder. - -“I have a little farm out here on the hills. It has helped me to -understand the world I live in and especially these boys. How often -I have seen the winds of autumn strip the grove and garden of their -loveliness until nothing was left but dead stalks and bare branches. -The captains and the kings had departed. I have seen them returning--the -delicate green of the new leaves in spring, the grass, the violets, and -here are the familiar sprouts of the poison ivy. I thought that I had -tom the last of it out of the ground last summer, but here it is. - -“Everything passes away but it returns, and the noxious ivy is the -most persistent returner of all. I am busy fighting it every spring and -summer. - -“So it is with this world of men. Caesar dies, despotism is uprooted, as -we thought, and we discover that they have returned and are busy growing -and spreading their roots. Everything returns if you give it a chance. -Herod has returned and is slaying the male children. Pilate has returned -and is sitting in judgment. - -[Illustration: 0141] - -“Do you tell me that Jesus Christ will return? Nay, I tell you He has -already returned. He is in the camps and on the battle-fields of France -and Belgium. He is in the hearts of the young men who are dying as He -died to make men free. - -“So, my young soldier lads of Great Britain, France, Italy and the -United States, I take off my hat and bare my gray head when you march by -me, for I know why you are so brave.” - -It was near midnight when the country lawyer and I left his office and -headed up the main street of the village toward his home. After a moment -of silence we reached the public square and then he directed my eyes -toward the glowing lamp of Jupiter in the sky. - -“When you get to wondering at God's neglect of His duty, it's a good -idea to go out and take a look at the stars riding up there in the -sunlight,” he said. “I guess this little world of ours has got to take -care of itself. Kind o' looks to me as if God had enough of His own work -to do, especially when so many of us are loafing. I don't see how we -can complain if we do have to 'tend to our own business. We've been -depending a long time on prayer an' indolence an' good luck while we let -the weeds grow in the garden. I rather guess we'll have to do our own -hoein'. Every man to his hoe! And let's take care that the weeds don't -get too far ahead of us again. - -“If this planet is to be a safe and decent place to live upon, there -should be an International School Commission agreed as to one main -purpose--that of cultivating good will between the races which inhabit -it. Of course, no power could remove all the lies from history, but I -hope that the lies and also the truth of it could be so put as to rob -them of the seed of bitterness, even against the Germans.” - -THE END - - - - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Keeping Up with William, by Irving Bacheller - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK KEEPING UP WITH WILLIAM *** - -***** This file should be named 50093-0.txt or 50093-.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/0/0/9/50093/ - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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Thus, we do not -necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper -edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search -facility: www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. - diff --git a/old/50093-0.zip b/old/50093-0.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 1017d7f..0000000 --- a/old/50093-0.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/50093-8.txt b/old/50093-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 0b4571c..0000000 --- a/old/50093-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2363 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Keeping Up with William, by Irving Bacheller - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Keeping Up with William - In which the Honorable Socrates Potter Talks of the Relative - Merits of Sense Common and Preferred - -Author: Irving Bacheller - -Illustrator: Gaar Williams - -Release Date: September 30, 2015 [EBook #50093] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK KEEPING UP WITH WILLIAM *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - - - - - - -KEEPING UP WITH WILLIAM - -In Which the Honorable Socrates Potter Talks of the Relative Merits of -Sense Common and Preferred - -By Irving Bacheller - -Author of Keeping Up With Lizzie. The Light In the Clearing, Etc. - -With Cartoons by Gaar Williams - -1918 - -[Illustration: 0008] - -[Illustration: 0009] - -TO THE CHILDREN OF FRANCE AND BELGIUM--MADE FATHERLESS BY -WILLIAMISM--WHOSE WRONGS HAVE ENLISTED THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN AGAINST THE -MISLED HOSTS OF GERMANY, I DEDICATE THIS BOOK AND THE PROCEEDS OF ITS -SALE. - -KEEPING UP WITH WILLIAM - - - - -CHAPTER I.--WHICH OPENS FIRE ON THE EXACTING INDUSTRY OF SUPERING - -The new year of 1918 was not a month old the day I went up to -Connecticut to see the Honorable Socrates Potter. I found the famous -country lawyer sitting in the very same chair from which, seven years -ago, he had told me the story of keeping up with Lizzie. His feet rested -peacefully on a table in front of him as he sat reading a law book. -Logs were burning in the fireplace. A spaniel dog lay dozing on a rug in -front of it. What a delightful flavor of old times and good tobacco was -in that inner office of his--with its portraits of Lincoln and his war -cabinet, of Silas Wright and Daniel Webster and Rufus Choate and Charles -Sumner, with its old rifle and powder horn hanging above the modest -mantel and its cases of worn law books! Beyond the closed door were busy -clerks and clicking typewriters, for Mr. Potter's business had grown -to large proportions, but here was peace and the atmosphere of -deliberation. There was never any haste in this small factory of -opinions. - -"Hello! Have you come for another book?" he asked. - -"Always looking for another book," I answered. "It's about time that you -got into this big fight between Democracy and--" - -"Deviltry," he interrupted with a stern look. "By thunder I've offered -to take up the sword but they say I'm too old to fight. I don't believe -it. My great grandfather fought at Lexington when he was sixty-four." - -"You can do more good with some conversation than you could with a -sword or a gun," I urged. "I've come up here to touch the button and now -you're expected to say something for the boys at the front and the folks -at home. Just turn your search-light on the general situation." - -"Well, I have quite a stock of shrapnel and liquid fire for the rear -line of the Germans," he began. "My searchlight is a modest kind of a -lantern but we'll see what we can do with it. - -"This time we'll talk on the subject of keeping up with William. - -"The other day, in the rooms of the Connecticut Historical Society, I -was reading the diary of one Abigail Foote written in 1775. This, as I -remember it, was an average day in her life: Mended mother's hood, set a -red dye, hetchelled flax with Hannah, spun four pounds of whole wool, -spun thread for harness twine, worked on a cheese basket, read a sermon -of Doddridge's, scoured the pewter, milked the cows, carded wool, got -supper ready, went to bed at nine. - -"I wish you to note that she went to bed at nine. Do you think that a -modern girl would knock off at nine? Not at all. She sticks to her task -until midnight and even longer. Abigail had only to be an ordinary human -being with nothing to do but work. The modern girl must have the beauty -of a goddess, the grace of a gazelle, the digestion of an ostrich, the -endurance of a horse and the remorse of a human being. It is a large -contract. "We are all familiar with the diary of a modern girl. Its -average day would be about as follows: Got up. Neck felt like a string -on a toy balloon. Had some toast and coffee. Had my hair dressed and -nails manicured. Put a new ribbon on my dog and walked him around the -block. Went to meeting of the charity committee. Learned that there -were many people out of work. Went to see the doctor who warned me about -overeating and late hours. Same old chestnut! Lunched with Mabel. Ate -half a pound of chocolates and so much cake that the butler had a -frightened look. Home again. Dressed. Went with mama to a lecture on the -insane. Mama woke me at five. It was all over. Went to Gladys's tea. -Danced half an hour. Home again. Dressed. Spent fifteen minutes with -papa and my dog. Went with Harry and mama to Gwendolyn's party. Danced -until midnight. Home at one. Nearly frozen. Talk about long hours and -poor pay and insufficient clothing; this reminds one of the story of -Washington's army in the worst winter of the revolution. - -"Now, both of these girls toiled. - -"The one in productive work with the wool and the flax. It was done -mostly for the comfort of others. The modern girl wears herself out -supering. Do you know what it means to super? It is to follow the -exacting industry of being superior." - -"Superior to what?" I asked. - -"To productive work," he went on. "Their toil is all in the service of -themselves and in pursuit of their own pleasure. - -"That's what's the matter with this old earth. For many years more -than half its people have been supering--wasting their time in busy -idleness--on the high road to deviltry. You don't have to think twice -to decide that it is about the most dangerous of all crimes, my friend, -because it is the straight way to all crime. It leads direct to deceit, -theft, adultery and murder. It kills the sense of brotherhood in the -heart of man. It kills the spirit of Democracy. The world is being -strafed for it, in my opinion. - -"Now the center and headquarters of all supering is Prussia--the home of -the superman--and Bill Hohenzollern, the Godful, is the head and front -of the whole push. - -"There are two kinds of superiority--real and assumed. Real superiority -is largely unconscious of itself. It can never be inherited--there's the -important fact about it. You will recall that there are only three cases -on record of a great father begetting a great son. The son is apt to -have a sense of inherited superiority. It destroys everything worth -while in him. - -"Of all the defects that flesh is heir to, a sense of inherited -superiority is the most deplorable. It is worse than insanity or idiocy -or curvature of the spine. There are millions of acres of land in Europe -occupied by nothing but a sense of inherited superiority; there are -millions of hands and intellects in Europe occupied by nothing but -a sense of inherited superiority, while billions of wealth have been -devoted to its service and embellishment. A man who has even a small -amount of it needs a force of porters and footmen to help him tote it -around, and a guard to keep watch for fear that some one will grab his -superiority and run off with it when his back is turned. - -"A full equipment of inherited superiority, decorated with a title, a -special dialect, a lot of old armor and university junk, stuck out so -that there wasn't room for more than one outfit in a township. Most -of the bloodshed has been caused by the blunders or the hoggishness -of inherited superiority. It is the nursing bottle of insanity and the -Mellin's Food of crime. - -"Now hot air has been the favorite dissipation of kings. James the First -was one of the world's greatest consumers of hot air; enough to put -him into business with the Almighty. To be sure, it was not a full -partnership. It was no absolute Hohenzollern monopoly of mortal -participation. - -"There are two kinds of sense in men--common and preferred, plain and -fancy. The common has become the great asset of mankind; the preferred -its great liability. Our forefathers had large holdings of the common, -certain kings and their favorites of the preferred. The preferred -represented an immense bulk of inherited superiority and an alleged pipe -line leading from the king's throne to Paradise, and connected with the -fount of every blessing by the best religious plumbers. It always drew -dividends, whether the common got anything or not. The preferred holders -ran the plant and insisted that they held a first mortgage on it. When -they tried to foreclose with military power to back them, some of our -forefathers got out. - -"We, their sons, are now crossing the seas to take up that ancient issue -between sense common and preferred and to determine the rights of each. -We are fighting for the foundations of Democracy--the dictates of common -sense. - -"For the sake of saving time, I hope you will grant me license to resort -to the economy of slang. A man might do worse these days. There is one -great destroyer of common sense. It is hot air. I remember how scared of -it the Yankees used to be. They were most economical with their praise. -I never heard a word of it in my youth. It came to me after some travel -now and then--never to my face. They knew the deadly power of it--those -Yankees. - -[Illustration: 0025] - -"Now hot air has been the favorite dissipation of kings. James the First -was one of the world's' great consumers of hot air. He and his family -and friends took all that Great Britain could produce--never, I am glad -to say, a large amount, but enough to put James into business with the -Almighty. To be sure, it was not a full partnership. It was no absolute -Hohenzollern monopoly of mortal participation. It was comparatively -modest, but it was enough to outrage the common sense of the English. -After all, divine partnerships were not for the land of Fielding and -Smollett and Swift and Dickens and Thackeray. Too much humor there. Too -much liberty of the tongue and pen. Too great a gift for ridicule. Where -there is ridicule there can be no self-appointed counselors of God, and -handmade halos of divinity find their way to the garbage heap. - -"Now, if we are to have sound common sense, we must have humor, and if -we are to have humor we must have liberty. There can be no crowned or -mitered knave, no sacred, fawning idiot, who is immune from ridicule; no -little tin deities who can safely slash you with a sword unless you give -them the whole of the sidewalk. Humor would take care of them; not the -exuberance that is born in the wine-press or the beer-vat--humor is no -by-product of the brewery---but the merriment that comes when common -sense has been vindicated by ridicule. - -"Solemnity is often wedded to Conceit, and their children have committed -all the crimes on record. You may always look for the devil in the -neighborhood of some solemn and conceited ass who has inherited power -and who, like the one that Balaam rode, speaks for the Almighty. So, -when the devil came back, he steered for the most solemn and perfect ass -on the face of the earth--Bill Hohenzollern. - -"In his soul the devil began to destroy the common sense of a race with -the atmosphere of hell--hot air. We have seen its effect. It inflates -the intellect. It produces the pneumatic, rubber brain--the brain that -keeps its friends busy with the pump of adulation; the brain stretched -to hold its conceit, out of which we can hear the hot air leaking in -streams of boastfulness. The divine afflatus of an emperor is apt to -make as much disturbance as a leaky steam-pipe. When the pumpers cease -because they are weary, it becomes irritated. Then all hands to the -pumps again. Soon there is no illusion of grandeur too absurd to be -real, no indictment of idiotic presumption which it is unwilling to -admit. - -"By and by it breaks into the realm of the infinite and hastens to -the succor of God, for, to the pneumatic brain, God is slow and -old-fashioned. Thereafter it infests the heavenly throne and seeks to -turn it into a plant for the manufacture of improved morals, and, so as -to insure their popularity, every agent for these morals is to carry -a sword and a gun and a license to use them. The alleged improvement -consists in taking all the nots out of the ten commandments. Nots are -irritating to certain people who have plans for murder, rape, arson, and -piracy. - -"Hohenzollern and Krupp had taken the Lord into partnership and begun -to give Him lessons in efficiency. Moreover, they were not to be free -lessons. The lessons were to be paid for, but they were willing to give -Him easy terms, for which they were to show Him how to hasten the slow -process of evolution. Evolution was hindered and delayed by sentiment -and emotion. - -"Sentiment and emotion were a needless inheritance. Hohenzollern and -Krupp proposed to cut them out of life and abolish tears. Tears consumed -the time and strength of the people. They were factors of inefficiency. -What was the use of crying over spilled milk and dead people? Tears were -in the nature of a luxury. The poor could not afford them. Life was not -going to be lived any longer--it was to be conducted. It was to be a -kind of a hurried Cook's tour. Nobody would have to think or feel. All -that would be attended to by the proper official. Life was to be reduced -to a merciless iron plan like that of the beehive--the most perfect -example of efficiency in nature, with its two purposes of storage and -race perpetuation. - -"No one ever saw a bee shedding tears or worrying about the murder of a -drone. - -"The ideal of Germany was to be that of the insect. To the bee there is -nothing in the world but bees, enemies, and the nectar in flowers; to -the German there was to be nothing in the world but Germans, enemies, -and loot With no wall of pity and sentiment between them and other races -they could rain showers of bursting lyddite on the unsuspecting, and -after that the will of the Kaiser and God would be respected. The firm -would prosper. It is not the first time that conceit and Kultur have -hitched their wagon to infinity. It is the old scheme of Nero and -Caligula---the ancient dream of the pneumatic prince. He can rule a -great nation, but first he must fool it. First he must induce his people -to part with their common sense and take some preferred--a dangerous -quality of preferred. This he can do in a generation by the systematic -use of hot air. - -"You may think that this endangered the national morals, but do not be -hasty. The morals were being looked after. - -[Illustration: 0035] - -"Every school, every pulpit, every newspaper, every book, became a -pumping-station for hot air impregnated with the new morals. Poets, -philosophers, orators, teachers, statesmen, romancers, were summoned to -the pumps: Rivers of beer and wine flowed into the national abdomen and -were converted into mental and moral flatulency. - -"For thirty years Germany had been on a steady dream diet. -Every school, every pulpit, every newspaper, every book, became a -pumping-station for hot air impregnated with the new morals. Poets, -philosophers, orators, teachers, states' men, romancers, were summoned -to the pumps. - -"Morning hate with its coffee and prayers, its hourly self-contentment -with its toil, its evening superiority with its beer and frankfurters. -History was falsified, philosophy bribed, religion coerced and -corrupted, conscience silenced--at first by sophistry, then by the iron -hand. Hot air was blowing from all sides. It was no gentle breeze. It -was a simoom, a tornado. No one could stand before it--not even a sturdy -Liebknecht or an unsullied Harden. - -"Germany was inebriated with a sense of its mental grandeur and moral -pulchritude. Now moral pulchritude is like a forest flower. It can not -stand the fierce glare of publicity; you can not handle it as you would -handle sausages and dye and fertilizer. Observe how the German military -party is advertising its moral pulchritude--one hundred per cent, pure, -blue ribbon, _spurlos versenkt_, honest-to-God morality!--the kind that -made hell famous. - -"I don't blame than at all. How would any one know that they had it if -they did not advertise it? - -"It is easy to accept the hot-air treatment for common sense--easy even -for sober-minded men. The cocaine habit is not more swiftly acquired -and brings a like sense of comfort and exhilaration. Slowly the Germans -yielded to its sweet inducement. They began to believe that they were -supermen--the chosen people; they thanked God that they were not like -other men. Their first crime was that of grabbing everything in the -heaven of holy promise. It would appear that those clever Prussians had -arranged with St. Peter for all the reserved seats--nothing but standing -room left Heaven was to be a place exclusively for the lovers of -frankfurters and sauerkraut and Limburger cheese. - -"God was altogether their God. Of course! Was He not a member of the -firm of Hohenzollern & Krupp? And, being so, other races were a bore and -an embarrassment. Would He not gladly be rid of them? Certainly. Other -races were God's enemies, and therefore German enemies. So it became the -right and duty of the Germans to reach out and possess the earth and its -fulness. The day had arrived. There was nothing in the world but Germans -and enemies and loot. - -"Their great leader, in their name, had claimed a swinish monopoly of -God's favor. His was not the contention of James the First, that all -true kings enjoy divine-right--oh, not at all! Bill had grown rather -husky and had got his feet in the trough, and was going to crowd the -others out of it. He was the one and only. And as he crowded, he began -to pray, and his prayers came out of lips which had confessed robbery -and violated good faith and inspired deeds of inhuman frightfulness. His -prayers were therefore nothing more nor less than hot air aimed at the -ear of the Almighty and carrying with them the flavor of the swine-yard. -In all this Church and people stood by him. It would seem that the devil -had taken both unto a high mountain and showed them the kingdoms of the -earth and their glory, and that they had yielded to his blandishments. - -"Now the thing that has happened to the criminal is this. In one way -or another, he loses his common sense. He ceases to see things in their -just relations and proportions. The difference between right and wrong -dwindles and disappears from his vision. He convinces himself that he -has a right to at least a part of the property of other people. Often he -acquires a comic sense of righteousness. - -[Illustration: 0045] - -"I have lately been in the devastated regions of northern France. I -have seen whole cities of no strategic value which the German armies had -destroyed by dynamite before leaving them to a silence like that of the -grave--the slow-wrought walls of old cathedrals and public buildings -tumbled into hopeless ruin; the chteaux, the villas, the little houses -of the poor, shaken into heaps of moldering rubbish. And I see in it -a sign of that greater devastation which covers the land of William -II--the devastation of the spirit of the German people; for where is -that moral grandeur of which Heine and Goethe and Schiller and Luther -were the far-heard compelling voices? I tell you it has all been leveled -into heaps of moldering rubbish--a thousand times more melancholy than -any in France. - -"Behold the common sense of Germany become the sense that is common -only among criminals! The sooner we recognize that, the better. They are -really burglars in this great house of God we inhabit, seeking to rob it -of its best possessions--Hindenburglars! In this war we must give them -the consideration due a burglar, and only that. We must hit them how and -where we may. We are bound by no nice regard for fair play. We must kill -the burglar or the burglar will kill us. - -"When I went away to the battle-front, a friend said to me: - -"'Try to learn how this incredible thing came about and why it -continues. That is what every one wishes to know.' - -"Well, hot air was the cause of it. Now why does it continue? My answer -is, bone-head--mostly plumed bone-head. - -"Think of those diplomats who were twenty years in Germany and yet knew -nothing of what was going on around them and of its implications! You -say that they did know, and that they warned their peoples? Well, -then, you may shift the bone-heads on to other shoulders. Think of the -diplomatic failures that have followed! - -"I bow my head to the people of England and to the incomparable valor -of her armies and fleets. My friendly criticism is aimed at the one and -only point in which she could be said to resemble Germany, viz., in a -certain limited encouragement of supermen. - -"Now, if the last three years have taught us anything, it is this: the -superman is going to be unsupered. Considering the high cost of up-keep -and continuous adulation, he does not pay. He is in the nature of a -needless tax upon human life and security. His mistakes, even, to use no -harsher word, have slaughtered more human beings than there are in the -world. The born gentleman and professional aristocrat, with a hot-air -receiver on his name, who lives in a tower of inherited superiority and -looks down at life through hazy distance with a telescope, has and can -have no common sense. He is a good soldier, he knows the habits of the -grouse and the stag, he can give an admirable dinner, he understands the -principles of international law, but when international law turns into -international anarchy he is not big enough to find the way of common -sense through the emergency. He has not that intimate knowledge of human -nature which comes only of a long and close contact with human, beings. -Without that knowledge he will know no more of what is in the other -fellow's mind and the bluff that covers it in a critical clash of wits -than a baby sucking its bottle in a perambulator. He fails, and the cost -of his failure no man can estimate. He stands discredited. As a public -servant he is going into disuse and his going vindicates the judgment of -our forefathers as to like holders of sense preferred. - -"Now is the time when all men must choose between two ideals: -Behold the common sense of Germany become the sense that is common only -among criminals! The sooner we recognize that, the better. They are -really burglars in this great house of God we inhabit, seeking to rob it -of its best possessions--Hindenburglars! the proud and merciless heart -on the one hand, that of the humble and contrite heart on the other; -between the Hun and the Anglo-Saxon, between evil and good. Faced by -such an issue I declare myself ready to lay all that I have or may have -on the old altar of our common faith. - -"My friend, be of good cheer. The God of our Fathers has not been -Kaisered or Krupped or hurried in the least. There is no danger that -Heaven will be Teutonized. - -"The shouting and the tumult dies--The captains and the kings depart--! -Still stands Thine ancient sacrifice. - -"An humble and a contrite heart Lord God of hosts, be with us yet. - -"Lest we forget--lest we forget - -"Lest we forget the innumerable dead who have nobly died, and the host -of the living who with a just and common sense and love of honor have -sent them forth to die. Lest we forget that we and our allies have not -been above reproach; that there were signs of decadence among us--in the -growing love of ease and idleness, in the tango dance of literature and -lust, in the exaltation of pleasure, in a very definite degeneration of -our moral fiber. - -"Lest we forget that our spirit is being purified in the furnace of war -and the shadow of death. Do you remember the protest of those poilus -when some unclean plays were sent to the battle front for their -entertainment? - -"'We are not pigs'--that was the message they sent back. - -"Lest we forget that the spirit of man has been lifted up out of the -mud and dust of the battle lines, out of the body tortured with pain and -weariness and vermin, out of the close companionship of the dead into -high association on the bloody altar of liberty and sacrifice. - -"Lest we forget that the spirit of our own boys shall be thus lifted up, -and our duty to put our house in order and make it a fit place for them -to live in when they shall have returned to it from battle-fields swept, -as a soldier has written, by the cleansing winds of God." - - - - -CHAPTER II.--WHICH TEACHES THAT ONE SHOULD NEVER HITCH HIS CONSCIENCE TO -A POST AS IF IT WERE A NANNY-GOAT AND GO OFF AND LEAVE IT - - -Truth is a great teacher but she often quarrels with the cook," said -Mr. Potter, while looking at his watch. - -He went to the telephone and called his home and presently began to -address his wife as follows: - -"Hello, Betsy! Say, don't expect me 'till I come. I'm in trouble. A -feller came in here and started the war all over again and there's no -tellin' when it'll end. I do not want an inconclusive peace." - -As he hung up the telephone his stenographer came in to say good night. -Mr. Potter took his old rifle off the wall, dusted It with a desk cloth -and said: - -"My great grandfather used that in the battle of Lexington." - -He squinted down its long barrel while he gave these instructions to his -helper. - -"Joe, send down to The Sign of the Flapjack, ne Child's, and order -corned beef hash and poached eggs and apple pie and coffee for two." - -He turned to me and asked: - -"Any amendments to propose to that ticket?" - -"None," I answered. - -"Then we will consider it elected. Have the table spread here by the -fire, if you please." - -He filled and lighted his pipe, settled down in an easy chair and began -again, with his gun resting across his knees: "The superors try to -square themselves by giving to the poor. It doesn't work. Often we do -more harm than good by giving to the poor. Kindness, sympathy, loving -counsel and the brotherly hand can accomplish much. But the charily of -cold cash is a questionable thing. The girl who knits a pair of socks -accomplishes a larger net result to the good than the one that gives -ten pairs to charity. The girl who did the knitting really produced -something. She had made the world better off by one pair of socks. There -is no doubt about that. The girl who has bought and given away ten pairs -has produced nothing. She has made the world in general no better off. -She is a slacker. She is trying to make her money do her work for her. - -"The time has come when the world in general has to be considered by -each of us. Civilized humanity has been compacted into a unit. It is -threatened by famine and tyranny. All the money there is can not save -us from these perils unless a lot of people get busy who are now doing -nothing but eat and play. Money has become a very cheap and vulgar -thing--almost every one has money these days. - -"The time of the great assessment has come and the Lord God is taking -His inventory. Everything is being measured and valued; even your -usefulness, my friend. What are you producing? Is it enough to feed and -clothe yourself and family, even? Corn and potatoes and wheat and wool -are more than money these days. If you don't help to produce them, you -are, more or less, a dead weight. - -"The idle lands in America ought to get busy. How? The rich men should -begin to cultivate them. I know one such man who is growing two hundred -and fifty acres of potatoes in Florida where nothing has grown before, -and it is estimated his yield will be at least fifty thousand bushels. -Now, that man is doing a real service to Democracy. - -"When the monster of war is devouring the fruitfulness of the earth and -stopping the labor of those who produce it, there is only one remedy. -We must increase that fruitfulness so that there shall be enough to feed -the monster and the people at home. If this is to be done, every one -must work. In such a situation, the idleness of the able-bodied becomes -a disgrace, and his dinner the food of remorse. - -"Get busy. I do not mean that we should never play. I do mean that every -day we should do a fair day's work with our hands and brain for the good -of the world at large. - -"The war has established two brotherhoods, my friend--that's the big -thing about it. A brotherhood of democracy and a brotherhood of slaves. - -"This brotherhood of slaves has been created by the leprous soul of Bill -Hohenzollern. He has broken down the will of the average man in Germany -and established his own in place of it. He has yoked his people with the -slaves of Turkey and Bulgaria, and with them has overawed the will of -the Austro-Hungarians, mostly a decent people. The will of the Kaiser -has spread over middle Europe like a plague. The name of the plague is -Williamism. We have caught it in America." - -"In America!" I exclaimed. - -"In America," Mr. Potter went on. "The quarantine officer has been -bribed. He has left the door open and the plague has come in. The name -of that officer is Human Conscience. Williamism can make no progress -save through the carelessness or neglect of the human conscience. - -"Long ago the German people turned over their consciences to the Kaiser -and the Bundesrath with a license to use them as they thought best. The -people said to themselves: 'The Kaiser enjoys the special protection and -favor of the Lord. He is an intimate friend with a pull. He ought to -be able to make a more expert use of our consciences than we could -ourselves. Therefore, we will appoint him our representative and -proxy at the Court of Heaven. If he and his friends decide, after due -consultation with God, that we had better violate good faith and break -our treaties and seize the property of other races and indulge in -murder, rape, arson and piracy, we will do it. To be sure such action -would seem to be wrong, but that is only because we are common cattle. -We are the best herd of common cattle there is, but we are not supermen. -The Bundesrath, the Kaiser and God ought to know what is right. - -"Now that, in effect, is exactly what they said to themselves. A people -may prosper and come to no violent trouble under such a plan. But the -fact is, they are living around the crater of a moral Vesuvius. - -"For two generations all seemed to be going well with the Germans. -William I was a fairly decent-minded man. Bismarck was unscrupulous but -careful. He stepped softly after he had bitten a chunk out of France. He -held the throne in restraint until William, the Godful, jumped upon it -with a wild yell of heavenly inspiration that startled the world. He was -going to take no advice from Mr. Bismarck--not a bit! Right away he -appointed himself secretary of war and attorney general of the Almighty. -No such astonishing familiarity with omnipotence had been seen since the -time of Moses. - -"There is an ancient legend which says that, when Csar invaded Gaul, -an old bowman of the north, having been captured and brought to the -headquarters of the great Consul, said: - -"'Hello, Julius! I am with you.' - -"It was like Bill Hohenzollern, only Bill didn't say 'Hello, Julius!' -The whole world stood aghast. - -"Bismarck stepped down and out. He must have seen what was coming. - -"Now this young lunatic should have been examined and condemned and sent -to an asylum as a paranoiac. Instead of that, he was given full power -and allowed to endow and develop a school of bribed historians and -lunatic philosophers to justify his plans---Treitschke, Nietzsche, -Bernhardi, backed by the throne and all the supermaniacs that surrounded -it. They created the new morality of Williamism in which all human -decency was disemboweled and God and the devil exchanged crowns. Gosh -almighty! It seems incredible now that we look back upon it. - -"From the beginning there has been a flavor of the little tin god about -these Hohenzollern fellers. Frederick the Great had a menacing rattle of -self-assertion, like that of a Ford car going to a country picnic. -His favorite dissipation was kicking soldiers. It was a way he had of -advertising his superiority. - -"Macaulay tells us that he needed proximity and not provocation to kick -a soldier. What a brave Captain he was! Funny, isn't it, how the -great Captains have managed to take care of themselves. Died on -hair mattresses, every one of them except two, Gustavus Adolphus and -Stonewall Jackson. - -"The only man who ever insulted me by just shaking my hand was a -mule-eared Hohenzollern chap known as Prince Heinrich of Prussia. I can -never forget that you-to-hell air of his as he took my hand as if it was -a clod of dirt, without even a look at me. I have always been sorry that -I didn't invite him to the sidewalk. - -"William II began to strut in the military and hot-air game as soon as -he ascended the throne, and lost no opportunity to tighten his hold upon -the consciences of his people. - -"Let me tell you the story of - - -THE MISLAID CONSCIENCE. - -"I used to know a feller here of the name of Sam Hopkins. He worked for -a client of mine who ran a lock factory. Sam had been a poor lad--sold -newspapers on the street night and morning. My client liked him and took -him over to the big shop and taught him the trade of making locks -and paid his board until he was able to earn it. Sam became an expert -mechanic and shoved money into his coffers every Saturday night. By and -by he had a wife and three children and a comfortable home and a goodly -amount of spondoolix earning interest. Now for the chance to accomplish -all that he was indebted to my friend and client. - -"By and by Sam joined the Trade Union. Nobody could find any fault -with Sam for uniting with his fellow workers to accomplish any fair and -reasonable purpose. But Sam had given to the Trade Union exactly what -the Germans had given to the Kaiser and the Bundesrath. He had, -in effect, turned his conscience over to the Union, which had full -authority to do as it thought best with this sacred piece of property. -Sam didn't realize what he had done until the Union ordered him to -strike. - -"To be sure it was a limited proprietorship over his conscience which -Sam had given to the Union. He could keep and use it until the Union -called for it. He had given a kind of note payable in the use of his -conscience _on demand_. - -"Sam had no quarrel with the works--no more quarrel than the Germans had -with the Belgians--not a bit. He was more than satisfied with his wages -and his hours and his general treatment His conscience told him that -his duty was to keep at work. But he discovered suddenly that he had no -right to the use of his own conscience. He had deeded it, on demand, -to the Union--lock, stock and barrel. Sam had become a kind of German -soldier. - -"War was declared. Some of the faithful servants of the big shop were -slain. Others were injured; a part of the properly was wrecked. Sam -tried to do the right thing, but couldn't. He went with the German army. - -"Now, a man's conscience is given to him for his own use--exclusively -for his own use. There's nothing truer than this: A man's conscience -is like his tooth-brush--it should have but one proprietor. You can not -leave it lying around like an old pair of shoes. Your umbrella is not -as easily lost. It is like your right hand. You can not lay it away--you -can not lend it, and the more you use it the better it is and the less -you use it the weaker it is. Either disuse or misuse will injure it and -possibly deprive you of its service. - -"Now, Sam's conscience got mislaid in the shuffle. He suddenly -discovered that he hadn't any. I guess it was rather small at best. It -was through this loss that I came to know about him. He was out of work -for seven months and got to drinking. Idleness and regret and the loss -of friends turned him toward the downward path of women, wine and -song. He is now in a Federal prison for counterfeiting--the victim of -Williamism. - -"Now just what had happened to Sam had happened to every man in the -German army. In that deal with the Kaiser his conscience had got -mislaid. He was ready to cut off the hands of a child or torture a -wounded man or shoot an inoffensive civilian. His officers encouraged -him to do it and his conscience was not on duty. It had been turned over -to the Kaiser and the Bundesrath. It had got lost in the shuffle. - -"I have told you that William had made the ideal of Germany that of the -insect. Let me be sure that you get my meaning. - -"Have you watched a hive of bees in bright summer weather? Well, you -will find that the workers wear out their wings in two weeks and die. -The hive has only two purposes--storage and race perpetuation. - -[Illustration: 0065] - -These purposes are carried out with ruthless and perfect efficiency. - -The drones are stung to death as soon as they are discovered. The worker -will starve and die for the queen. The welfare of the hive is the main -thing--that of the individual of no account whatever. The ants live and -die on the same general plan. - -"So I say that the ideal of Williamism is that of the insect. The hive -is the empire. Its main purposes are storage and race perpetuation. -Its chief aim is efficiency. The nation is everything; the individual -nothing. The individual is to work and store and is not even to take the -time to cry if he feels like it. - -"The hive has only two purposes--storage and race perpetuation. These -purposes are carried out with ruthless and perfect efficiency. The -drones are stung to death as soon as they are discovered. - -"In Berlin fifty-three per cent, of the workers live with their -families in two rooms. - -"Now I deny that the main purposes of human life are storage and race -perpetuation and efficiency. If that were true, the man that had the -most cash and wives and children would be the greatest man in the world. - -"A few years ago a man died in England. He had only a few books and -about five hundred dollars in money. Yet he was called one of the -greatest men in the world. Every one took off his hat to that man -because he had _Character_, He was Cardinal Newman. - -"Lincoln died poor and he was about the homeliest, awkwardest man -in America, and yet the whole world mourned for him because he had -accumulated _Character._ - -"That is the great thing, and the main purpose of life is to develop -character in _individuals_. That development comes mostly through -failure. Success is the worst of teachers. - -"If one were to estimate the greatness of a people he would disregard -its armies and navies and the splendor of its cities and the deposits in -its banks, and go out to that people and appraise the character of its -_average man_,--his respect for honor and decency and especially his -respect for that great, world embracing unit known as human rights. - -"Right here I must tell you the story of - - -THE LEATHERHEAD MONARCH. - -"There was once a man who was born successful. He inherited success and -for many years kept it coming his way. Did you ever hear of a man of the -name of Shote? Of course not. Neither did I. That's one reason why I am -going to call him Shote--John Shote, if you please. My story is -strictly true, but I would ask no one to believe the name of its leading -character. - -"John was a great success. Some people called him a great man. Indeed, -everybody took off his hat and said: 'How do you do, Mr. Shote?' or -words to that effect when he came along. - -"I suppose you will think that Mr. Shote only nodded and passed on, but -he was not so bad as that. No, he answered: 'Very well, thank you,' and -went about his business. He failed to return your solicitude but did not -wonder at it. - -"He lived in a neighboring town--let us call it Shoteville--and was -soon, indeed, the principal Shote of Shoteville. The business was there. -It had always prospered. When his father died, John took the crown and -became a swearing, rantankerous tyrant. - -"He inaugurated a system of efficiency. He trusted nobody. There was an -indicator at the entrance of the big building and every worker great and -small had to touch a button on this indicator when he left or entered -the place. He had a kind of guillotine in the office and every day heads -fell into the basket. But when a man left Mr. Shote it was a point to -his credit in Shoteville. It showed that he was above being sworn at. It -was a kind of recommendation--a thing to boast of. Every one in the shop -was sooner or later called by Mr. Shote "a damn leather head." It was a -kind of initiation. If he accepted the classification and remained -Mr. Shote decided that he was amenable to discipline and thought him a -promising man. Outsiders looked down upon him. The men who stayed year -after year and endured the insults of Mr. Shote were known in that -community as 'the damn leatherheads.' - -"Every worker was a wheel or a shaft or a lever in the big machine. -When, worn or broken, he was cast aside. - -"It will be seen that Mr. Shote was one of the followers of William. -In his office were busts of Julius and Augustus Caesar and portraits -of Napoleon and Frederick the Great. He worshiped power and kicked the -common soldier. - -"While he was in America, I am glad to say he was not an American--not -really. To be sure he was born here and voted here, but he was really a -Prussian and his shop was a little kingdom in the midst of a democracy. - -"Mr. Shote really thought himself one of the noblest men that ever -lived. He was a great success even as a thinker. A man can think himself -into anything he pleases from a lobster to a saint. Just where he got -off I leave the reader to judge. - -"Unfortunately, Mr. Shote believed his own thoughts--all of them. It is -a dangerous habit to acquire--that of believing oneself--believe me. If -there's any one that requires careful corroboration it's yourself. Mr. -Shote could not help believing his own thoughts--they were so commanding -and imperious. - -"Whatever else we may say of him he was honest, as men go. He paid his -debts promptly and kept his credit high and even gave large sums to -charity. - -"His great lack was common sense; his great failing an uncontrolled -temper. When you become the pivot around which the whole world revolves -you are apt to get hot and noisy. The world bears down rather hard. So -Mr. Shote squeaked and roared with anger every day of his life. - -"His great vice was too much efficiency. No man in the plant had any -power of initiative, due to the fact that Mr. Shote had no faith in any -one but himself. The plant proceeded on an iron plan. - -"Now, every big thing that was ever accomplished has been the work of -some individual who at a critical moment has broken away from plans and -made his own orders and acted on them--the kind of thing that Grant -did at Appomattox; the kind of thing that Lincoln did in his great -proclamation. Bill Hohenzollern would have called it inefficiency. - -"Just that kind of thing would have saved Mr. Shote in the critical -moment of his career. That moment fell upon him like a thunderbolt out -of a dear sky one day. - -"If you sow Williamism you are bound to reap it Mr. Shote's lavish crop -ripened suddenly. - -"The 'Leatherheads' decided one day to meet efficiency with -_efficiency_. They were right Mr. Shote had been running a little -kingdom in America and the 'Leatherheads' founded one of their own. They -had started a union and appointed an emperor and told him to go ahead -and outkaiser the king. They struck for higher wages and fewer hours. -Mr. Shote was away at one of his palaces in the South. - -"Now all the trouble might have ended in a decent compromise that day if -the boss of the 'Leatherheads' on duty at the time had had the power and -courage to act on his own judgment and do a really big thing for once in -his life. He didn't have it. The wheels stopped. - -"The king returned. His irritation was heard in distant places. He would -never yield. His men were no longer 'Leatherheads.' They were inversely -promoted. It was a critical time in the business. The plant went into -default on its contracts. The king stood firm; so did the workers. - -"The plant was idle for months. It was the beginning of the end of Mr. -Shote's prosperity. His rivals captured his best men and his customers -and most of the good will he had enjoyed. The business went down like a -house of cards. - -"We often say that business is business here in America. It isn't so. -Business is more, much more than mere business here in America. It is -friendship, it is personality, it is credit--the credit for good sense -and square dealing and high character--a character that is shared in -some measure by every servant of the enterprise, be he manager or errand -boy. - -"That cohesive power that flows out of a great personality into the -whole structure of a business was not in the warp and woof of Mr. -Shote's commercial ramifications. They came to grief. So did Mr. Shote. - -"Then we discovered suddenly that Mr. Shote had two wives and two -families. As a husband and a father he had enjoyed a success at once -unusual and unsuspected. A superman is generally super married. He had -acquired imperial morals. The second wife appealed to the courts in a -wild yell for her stopped allowance and the result was that, in a short -time, Mr. Shote stood alone and universally despised between two family -fires. His efficiency had gone too far. - -"Again I say, success is the worst of teachers--save to those who sit in -the grand stand while it is working out its failure. Unfortunately, it -gave the laboring men of this country a lesson in Williamism which has -spread over America. I wish the workers all success in getting their -just share of the fruits of commerce, but let it be done by fair, -democratic methods and not through Williamism. - -"Above all no man should hitch his conscience to a post as if it were a -mule or a nanny-goat and go off and leave it. - -"It is to be hoped that the patriotic Samuel Gompers will not abandon -his pursuit of Williamism even after the war ends. - -"The big point of the whole thing is this: One day the Leatherhead -Monarch, came into this office, closed the door behind him, sat down -beside me and said: - -"'Mr. Potter, I see that I have the intellect of an idiot. What shall I -do to be saved?' - -"At last he had learned something--a really serviceable and important -fact--and he had learned it not by success but by failure." - -As he approached his climax, Mr. Potter had shown a little annoyance -at the arrival of the waiter and the hash and the eggs and the pie. Mr. -Potter rose, stood his rifle in a corner and said: - -"I regret that my climax and this wandering Ganymede with his load of -hash should have arrived at the same moment." - -The waiter spread the table in front of the fireplace. Mr. Potter put a -coin in his hand and pointing at the door said: - -"Go hence and come not back until to-morrow." - -He placed chairs by the table and we sat down. - -"Is this pie, apple, that I see before me the handle toward my hand?" he -playfully remarked, as he lifted a firm built piece of pie in his hand -and began to eat it in the old fashion. "Bread may be the staff of life, -but pie is the light in its windows. I don't want to be hurried by its -invitation, so I guess I'll get it out of the way." - - - - -CHAPTER III.--WHICH PRESENTS THE STORY OF THE SMOTHERED SON - - -Our dinner over, Mr. Potter put a new log on the fire. Then we set the -table aside and lighted our cigars. - -"There is another sector in the line of the Williamites that is pretty -thoroughly dug in," said the Honorable Socrates, as he put his feet upon -the fender and leaned back comfortably in his chair. "Let me tell you -the story of - - -THE SMOTHERED SON. - -"She was a Williamistic widow--the relict of the late Samuel Butters. - -"She was also a Shrimpstone, of Kalamazoo. My friend, why do you sit -there in cold indifference when I mention a fact so inspiring?" - -"Who were the Shrimpstones?" I inquired. - -"The Shrimpstones! Jiminy crickets! Is it possible that you are not -familiar with the fame of Joshua Shrimpstone?" - -"I have to plead guilty," was my answer. - -"To tell you the truth, so do I," he went on, "but my own ignorance -never surprises me. There is so much of it that a little more or less -does not matter. It is the ignorance of so many of my fellow -countrymen regarding this important subject that fills me with pity and -astonishment. I have never met a man who could give me the slightest -information regarding the Shrimpstones. - -"It would seem that Mrs. Butters enjoys an arrogant and heartless -monopoly of all knowledge about them. One does not feel like asking her -to dispel his ignorance when she speaks the word 'Shrimpstone' as if it -opened vistas of incomparable splendor and inspiration. No, there are -things which even a lawyer can not do. There is a special look -in her eye and a lyrical note in her voice when she says 'my -grandfather, the late Joshua Shrimpstone.' I imagine that Bill -Hohenzollern looks like that when he says: 'My grandfather, Frederick -the Great' But I imagine, too, that Bill's manner is a bit more casual. - -"I had done some business for Mrs. Butters now and then, and one day she -came to get my advice on a strictly personal matter. Her son, John -Shrimpstone Butters, was just out of college. She had expected Butters & -Bronson, of the great corset factory, in which she had a considerable -interest, to take him into the firm and give him a commanding position -in the office. As they had not come forward with an invitation, she had -asked them for that favor. They had refused--actually and firmly -refused--and what do you think they had offered John--a great grandson -of Joshua Shrimpstone? Why, they had offered him a place as errand boy -at five dollars a week. They actually expected him to begin at the -bottom of the ladder and work his way up as if he were nothing more than -the ambitious son of a ditch digger. Mrs. Butters lost her self-control -and sobbed as she confided the distressing fact to me. - -"I told her that I would have a talk with Bill Bronson, the head of the -firm, and see what could be done about it, and she left me. - -"In my talk with him, Bill said: - -"'We should like to do anything we can for Mrs. Butters's boy but all -we can do is to give him a chance--the same chance that my own boy will -have. He can begin at the bottom and we will push him along from one -department to another as rapidly as he can master its details. He must -learn every process from the making to the delivery of the goods. Above -all, he must learn to be a good salesman. After a few years he might -become the Butters of Butters & Bronson if he were willing to work -hard.' - -"I wired Mrs. Butters to call again at my office. She called. I told her -what Bill Bronson had said to me. - -"'What!' she exclaimed. 'He expects my son to become a common drummer -and travel around selling goods to little shopkeepers! Impossible!' - -"'Why?' I asked. - -"'Because he does not have to. My grandfather, the late Joshua -Shrimp-stone, left us enough so that we do not have to do that kind of -thing. Besides. I do not think it is necessary. My son has intelligence -enough to learn those menial pursuits without having to do them.' - -"'You are wrong,' I said. 'The American way is to begin at the bottom. -It's a very good way--the only way by which one may be thoroughly -prepared for management. In that way he gets hold of the sense that is -common in the rank and file of his army, and knowing that, he will know -what to do in every emergency.' - -"'If that is true, John might as well have been born poor. Does his -position and the fact that I have five thousand shares of stock count -for nothing?' - -"'Well, you get dividends on the stock. If you expect to get dividends -also on the position that you got from your grandfather you are wrong. -In this country we have no crown princes who begin at the top. Inherited -superiority is an amusing thing to look at but a poor foundation for -credit. In this country we bank on demonstrated superiority.' - -"Mrs. Butters rose and haughtily withdrew from my office with the pride -of the Shrimpstones glittering in her eye. - -"Now, John Butters was a good fellow. He was over-mothered. Indeed, the -word for it is smothered. He was like a man cast into the sea with a -Shrimpstone tied around his neck. He would have done well with half a -chance. I never saw a man so badly in need of poverty, so damned with -affectionate, gilded, comfortable female despotism. She bought one -business after another for him and put him in at the top. He has failed -in all these undertakings. His way is littered with broken crowns and -the wreckage of little kingdoms. - -"Now his youth is gone and he is the same useless, ineffective good -fellow that he was in the beginning. For years he and his mother have -been sitting on that high horse of hers and galloping around to the -amusement of all beholders. He has got tired of it and jumped off and -settled down as the clerk of a wife who takes him lightly. - -"He is the victim of assumed superiority which is nothing more or less -than Williamism." - - - - -CHAPTER IV.--WHICH HANDS OUT SOME SOME COMMON TO THE SUPERERS IN AMERICA - - -The Honorable Socrates Potter went to the typewriter and got some oil -and a cloth and began to clean the gun of his great grandfather as he -talked. - -"You see, William says: To hell with the common man. Let him do the work -and the fighting. We'll take the product of toil and the loot of war and -enjoy ourselves. We will not have a thing to do but super. If we glut -the officers of the army and our leading citizens with, the product and -the loot, they'll stand by us. - -"Is it not significant that the number of plutocrats in Germany has -doubled since the war began? William proposes to make human slaughter a -business. He is running a giant butcher shop. - -"Every idler, every superer is an ally of William and an enemy of -Democracy." - -"But they seem to get the best of it--these superers," I suggested. -"They have a lot of fun." - -"They seem to, but, soon or late, they learn it hasn't paid. They come -to grief or insanity--these slackers in the game of life. Let me tell -you the little story of - - -THE WEDDING TOURIST. - -"She had the most curious and painful brainful of sense preferred in the -whole show. - -"When I was a small boy my pocket was one day dispossessed of some green -apples, a quantity of horse nails and lead sinkers, a squirt gun, a -bird's nest; a piece of beeswax and a hawk's wing. This collection would -rank high as an exhibit of eccentric assets, but the contents of this -lady's mind belongs in the same alcove. - -"It is to be credited to Alabama where she was born about sixty years -before I met her in Paris last summer. She had a charming southern -accent. It was the best thing she had. I liked it. I like all those -little provincialisms which have the flavor of their native air and -soil. Why shouldn't the manner of decent men and women grow in the way -of nature out of their environment? I love the drawl that is the natural -product of New England, the quaint, indolent slur of Dixieland, the -breezy dialect of the Far West. If they all talked alike what a dull -country we should have! - -"Certain of the schools are trying to force a common method of speech. -It is the dialect of Mayfair and Fifth Avenue. It would seem that they -wish to turn us into human bricks of the same size, grade and color. -Under the encouragement of Mr. Henry James, whose slender Americanism -perished at last in formal expatriation, our New York and New England -girls have begun to talk like Duchesses. But among women of the South -and the Far West, you may still hear the real, genuine American talk. To -me it is refreshing. - -"At least this may be said for The Wedding Tourist--she was no -school-made, rococo Duchess. She was as real and unaffected as a bale of -hay. - -"Sometimes I call her The Grasshopper Widow because she was always -on the move. She had hopped twice around the world and back. When she -needed a husband she reached out and grabbed one and hastened away on -another wedding tour as if nothing had happened. - -"To her, life was a series of wedding tours. She had jumped from one -honeymoon to another in the most casual and engaging fashion. She was, -indeed, a kind of professional honey-mooner who from the beginning of -her matrimonial career had enjoyed the pseudonym of Baby. Inns, table -d'htes, ruins, art galleries, theaters, scenery and honey-fuglement had -filled her life. - -"She had explored the capitals of the world with real feminine -curiosity. She had loved their music and doted upon their art and tasted -their religion and rustled in their silks and generally beat the bushes -to see what would run out. - -"When we first met, a remark of hers suggested my query: - -"'Was your husband a Yale man?' - -"'Which one? I've had two an' a half.' - -"'Two and a half I I never heard of a fractional husband before.' - -"'My first husband was only half a man, suh. I married my guardian when -I was sixteen. He nevah would do a thing between trips but sit around -an' eat an' drink mint juleps. We went on our wedding tour and I kept -him going for two years, but it was hard work. Nearly wore me out. He -was like one of those toys that you have to wind up before it will go. -Always had a pain in his feet--nevah could dance or do a thing but just -sit, or ride on the cars or in a spring wagon. Lordy, girls! don't evah -marry a man 'til you've tried his feet an' have confidence in 'em. Now, -you hear me! He nevah did do a thing to please me but call me "Baby." - -"The next man I married had a sistuh with a weak mind by the name of -Peggy. I had to look after her an' she'd take out her mind, like, an' -open it an' show it to everybody that came into the house, an' turn it -inside out as if she was right proud of it. Honestly, it reminded me of -my boy when he got his first watch--how he'd open it an' show you the -works an' then hold it up to your ear so you could hear it tick. That's -what Peggy was always doing with her mind, recitin' poetry or showin' -you pearls of thought taken out of the clam beds of her intellect. It -certainly was awful! - -"Tercy Higginbottom had a wooden leg an' limped some, but the worst -thing about him was Peggy. I have erected a monument a mile high to that -man in the graveyard of my memory. He was right good to me. He would -stump around all day lookin' at sights and take me to the theater in the -evening and to supper afterwards and nevah murmured. Sometimes his leg -got sore but he kept up. - -"'I married him in Paris. We started off on our weddin' tour an' it -lasted about fifteen years. We traveled an' traveled all that time. We -played we was just married and on our honeymoon. - -"'He used to say: "Baby, what a wonderful time we are having on this -wedding tour."' - -"'We had two children--a boy and a girl. Once a year we'd come back to -Paris and spend two or three months with them.' - -"'You didn't take them with you?' - -"'We left them with Mr. Higginbottom's mothah an' a nurse an' governess. -Peggy, the sistuh with a weak mind, went with us--she was all the care -we needed. She knew enough to hook an' button my dresses an' help me -pack. She was the only black spot in all those happy years. - -"'Percy took care o' my jewels. It was all he had to do.' - -"'A tender husband and a watch dog of the jewels!' I remarked. - -"'And there were hours when it kept him mighty busy--you hear me. I -can't help laughin' whenever I think of it. - -"'Once we missed one of my rings. We thought it had been stolen. The -hotel manager had every maid and bell boy brought into our room and -searched. Suddenly Percy found it in a waistcoat pocket. - -"'One evening we were gettin' off a steamer. Suddenly I slapped my hand -on my breast and yelled: - -"'"My sunburst! Lord o' mercy! it's gone!"' - -"'I was suah that I had put it on. We ran back up the gangway. We had -only five minutes. Peggy fainted away--she was that weak-minded. You -didn't dare sneeze for fear she would faint away. Percy grabbed her. I -ran for the stateroom an' found the sunburst where I had left it under -my pillow. We were all in, believe me--it nearly killed us. When -we moved Percy always called the roll like: "The ruby ring," an' I -answered, "Here."' - -"The jade necklace." - -"Here." Like that, until we knew that we had them all. That evening we -didn't have time. - -"'But we certainly did see the world until we lost something better than -all the jewels. Lordy! Lordy! what a world it is!' - -"'The boy died when he was eight. We were in Cairo. We hurried back to -Paris. Mr. Higginbottom was nevah the same after that. I nevah could get -him out of Paris again. He died there. - -"'My next husband was the dearest and best man that evah did live. I met -him here in Paris. His name was Horton. Weighed three hundred and fifty -pounds. Some man! I says to myself: Now here's a man that'll las' me as -long as I live. He drank too much, but I soon cured him o' that. He gave -it up entirely an' our weddin' tour lasted 'til he died.' - -"'Perhaps it wore him out,' I suggested. - -"'No, he liked it and we were just as happy as two turtle doves. When -I asked him to do anything, he would always say: "Well, Baby, you know -best."' - -"'But he couldn't walk much. Weight was his great weakness. If you were -jus' to think of him as a husband he was a little heavy; but no man is -perfect.' - -"'We had a big limousine an' he toted me around in that an' hired a maid -to climb stairs an' go to the churches an' theaters an' art galleries -with me.' - -"'My daughtah had married an' settled in Chicago. One Decembah we -thought it would be nice to go and spend Christmas with her. I just -thought I'd stop beating around and get acquainted with my own family. -We left Paris on the tenth and reached Chicago on the twenty-second. I -called my daughtah on the telephone from our hotel.' - -"'"My goodness! Is that you?" she said. - -"'"Yes," I said, "we have come all the way from Paris to spend Christmas -with you." - -"'I'm awfully sorry, mothah," she says. "The house will be full -Christmas Day, but we'll have you for New Yeah's." - -"She stopped and wiped the tears from her eyes. - -"'Say, I felt as if I had been hit with an axe. My husband said: - -"'Well, Baby, I guess they don't want us. Don't you mind. We'll have a -good Christinas dinner here at the hotel and then we'll go and spend a -month in New York." - -"'I stopped traveling and went to thinking. Poor Mr. Horton didn't live -long. Now he's gone an' I haven't anybody. No, my daughtah does not -care for me. Her ol' nurse lives with her--an ignorant French woman. I -offered to work hard if she would send that nurse away an' take me to -live with her. She wouldn't do it--no, suh! She loves that nurse an' -doesn't care for me--not the snap of her fingah. I have been trying to -get a chance to work for the Red Cross. My money is about gone. They -say money talks but all it evah says to me is "good-by." My daughtah's -husband has offered me a small allowance, but I will not take their -money--no, suh! One wants affection from her daughtah--not charily! -Lordy! what a world it is an' what fools we are!' - -"'You've been playing ever since you were a little girl, and you're -tired.' - -"'Yes, I'm tired. I remember how my big brother used to come an' plague -me an' break my toys. That is what Death has been doing to me. Wouldn't -let me alone. I reckon he saw how foolish I was. I've seen about -everything but I think the grandest sight in the world would be some one -who was glad to see _me_. You can't make friends an' be always on the -move.' - -"I suppose she had come back to Paris to comb the beach for another -wreck. But her beauty was gone--so was her occupation of Baby. - -"Often, I wonder just how the story is to end--the story of that -pathetic woman who was reaping what she had sown--the harvest of the -childless mother. - -"Well, anyhow, at last, common sense had landed in her intellect. She -had never given it a chance before. Hadn't stood still long enough." - - - - -CHAPTER V. WHICH DROPS A FEW ROUNDS OF SHRAPNEL ON THE HUNS IN AMERICA - - -Mr. Potter had got through with the gun. He rose and went to the wash -basin as if intending to wash his hands. He turned suddenly as if he -thought Germany were more in need of a washing. He strode toward me with -a new idea gleaming in his eye and said: - -"Darn it, I ain't got time to wash now. These Germans claim that they -are the freest people in the world, and they are right." - -He thumped the table with a shut fist as he resumed his talk. - -"One kind of liberty thrives under the Hohenzollerns: license is the -precise word for it--not liberty--license to eat and drink and be sorry- --to satisfy the appetites of the flesh. The great crowd will stand a lot -of tampering with its rights if you give it a good time--a broad -privilege of self-indulgence. The Germans were a great people when Bill -Hohenzollern took the reins of power--good-natured, industrious, God- -fearing. The young men were encouraged to found their happiness on the -sands of women, wine and song. - -"The wine press and the beer vat are the indispensable adjuncts of -Hohenzollerism. Alcohol is the balm of the mislaid conscience, the -nourishment of the big-head and the pneumatic brain. These things lead -to worse things. Swinish indulgence leads to the morals of the -swine-yard. - -"The church began to lose its power. The clergy were treated as -Frederick treated the common soldier. They were kicked into servility. -At first this kicking was politely done. Often the sore part was salved -by the gift of a hundred marks. They were treated like hired men. They -were to understand that they were just humble servants and that the -Kaiser needed none of their advice. He knew all about the plans of God. -Of course, in a little while, no man of brains and character would go -near a pulpit. The priests of God became servile sycophants. The people -ceased to respect them. The church had lost its power. To Germany it was -an immeasurable loss. - -"In France I found good evidence of the utter depravity of the German -soldier. God knows I would not have thought it possible--the raping, -the maiming of children, the daughters of whole communities carried into -bondage. I would have thought that the decency common among dogs, even, -in a Christian country, these days, would have shielded the helpless -from such cruelty. It is evident that the officers gave countenance and -encouragement to these crimes, or they could not have been accomplished. -At the knowledge of these things, a cry of shame for their brothers in -Germany has risen from the lips of all civilized men the world over. - -"The infamy goes back to the men higher up--to Bill Hohenzollern and his -gang of pirates and highwaymen. They have slain the soul of Germany. - -[Illustration: 0101] - -"I am told by men who have lived there that in certain provinces a -chaste woman is a thing unknown. Let us hope this exaggerates the truth. -As to that I have no knowledge. But that the land of the Kaiser has lost -its chivalry I have no doubt whatever. The loss of chivalry stands for -the loss of conscience--for moral degradation. A man's value as a man -may be accurately measured by his respect for women. A man who has no -respect for women will have respect for your rights only because he has -to. He would steal your purse if he dared. He is rotten to the core. -Moreover, unless women are pure there can be no purity because they have -the tender soul of childhood in their keeping. - -"We ought to establish a moral quarantine here and save ourselves from -the peril of German leprosy. It has arrived. It is spreading. You will -find its symptoms in our theaters, now largely in the hands of the -Germans. - -"I have traveled much these late years and have failed to find an -American city in which there was not one or more plays or moving -pictures which reflected the morals of the swine-yard. There I have -found girls and boys and children who are to make the life of America, -drinking at the fountain of pollution, cleverly designed by the sex -maniacs who live in the white lights of Broadway. On every sort of -specious pretext--mostly that of warning the young--spaniel youths -and porcelain-faced daughters of iniquity are paraded in libidinous -enterprises. The cabarets and brothels of New York, with their fist -fights between young women, their desperate, bull-dog encounters between -sex maniacs, their ogling, besotted degenerates, sometimes with a -lame pretense of a moral and sometimes without it, are shown for the -entertainment of young America. - -"The Huns have already invaded America, my friend. They are armed with -things more deadly than guns and bullets. Their gun is the camera, their -ammunition, the moving picture. That picture penetrates to the heart -and soul of the young and no surgery can remove it. To them, seeing is -believing. - -"A man is mostly the sum of his memories. Think back and tell me what -you remember of your childhood. It's the pictures you saw. I think the -first thing I remember is the picture of a cat which my mother drew on a -slate for me--a highly benevolent cat it was. The one I have remembered -best is that of my mother standing in the morning sunlight among the -hollyhocks by the open door and waving her handkerchief to me the day I -went away to school. How often it has flashed out of my memory in these -last forty years. There is no power like that of a picture for good or -evil in the life of a child. Pictures are, indeed, the universal -language of childhood. - -"Now what is there in this special claim of the sex mongers that the -truth about life--however hideous and revolting it may be--would best -be known of all? Just this--it should be made known but not publicly in -books and theaters. It should not be made a familiar thing--sitting at -meat and lying down in bed with the sensitive imagination of the young. -That will be sure to make it the one great truth of life. I prefer -the privacy of home and the loving caution of a mother, taking care to -impart the whole truth with its setting of perils and with no glamour -of romance about it. I would as soon have my daughter's feet enter a -brothel as her brain. She might shake the dust from her feet. - -"What were the fruits of this home method in old New England? I would -remind these European Americans who provide our amusements for us that -the world has never seen a civilization like that of old New England. -I am not saying that it had no faults, but its human product has justly -excited the wonder and admiration of the world. There was not much of -it. You could pick up those six little states and set them down within -the boundaries of Minnesota and have 19,200 square miles to spare. Yet -they gave to the world in the space of forty years, men of the stamp of -Daniel Webster, Silas Wright, Charles Sumner, William Lloyd Garrison, -William M. Evarts, George F. Edmunds, James G. Blaine, E. J. Phelps, -Rufus Choate, Henry Ward Beecher, Dr. Channing, Lyman Abbott, Ralph -Waldo Emerson, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Henry W. Longfellow, John G. -Whittier, James Russell Lowell, Edmund C. Stedman, the Dwights, the -Washburns. - -"Wouldn't that seem to be doing fairly well? - -"Now the fact is, men and women long for inspiration to a nobler life. -There are those who will tell you that the crowds who go to hear Billy -Sunday, do it simply to be amused. It is not true. It is a deeper thing. -They go, driven by soul hunger. They long for wholesome food for -the spirit. They wish to be stirred to nobler action and feel the -inspiration of better ideals. They come by tens of thousands. - -"There never was a clean, uplifting, noble work of fiction that did not -number its readers by the million. There never was a strong inspiring -play--like _Peter Pan_ or _Shore Acres_--that failed to play to the full -capacity of the house in which it was presented for years. - -"Why then, ask us to wallow in all uncleanness--in the swine-yard of -humanity? - -"It is because uncleanness is cheaper and easier to get and is sure of -an audience equally large and less discriminating; it is because these -Huns care only for their own pockets and not a fig for the public good. - -"Now, here is a work for the women of America. Here is a battle front on -which they can fight the Huns. Men can help and will help, but they are -busy with the more obvious and commonplace problems. This is a job of -housecleaning. It is primarily a woman's job--that of setting in -order the great house of America and looking after the welfare of its -children. There is no greater work to be done than that of regenerating -the theater. They can do it if they will." - - - - -CHAPTER VI.--WHICH IS MOSTLY FOR THE BOYS OF OUR ARMY - - -The Honorable Socrates Potter hung up the old rifle and washed his -hands. There was a very gentle look in his eyes as he began pacing the -floor. I saw: that another mood was coming. - -"We must learn that wealth is no excuse for idleness or pride," he went -on. "Every one must find his work and do it, or come to grief--that is -the conclusion of the whole matter. We have our European Americans--our -Mislaid Consciences, our Leatherhead Monarchs, our Smothered Sons, our -Shrimpstones, our Wedding Tourists. We must use the slipper with a firm -but kindly hand, and remind them that they are of the Hohenzollern -breed and request them to fall in line and get the pace and spirit of -Democracy. - -"With all our faults we are, in the main, sound and healthy. Our average -man can be relied upon. He is our heart and sinew. We need not boast of -him. He is willing to give all rather than see the spirit of man yield -an inch of the progress it has made. That is enough to say of him. If -any European country can match him, we are glad and he is glad--not -envious. - -"Our average man would enjoy a drink now and then, but in many of our -states he has said: 'If the good of humanity demands it, let there be -prohibition--anyhow we will give it a trial.' - -"The trouble with Russia lies in the fact that among its people there -are no individuals--no men trained in the use of the intellect and the -conscience. Its people are like bricks, all of the same shape, size -and color--all two inches wide and six inches long. They have a common -denominator of material and a common numerator of ignorance. Between -them and their rulers there has been no average man to speak for them, -so the people are helpless. They know not what to say or do. They have -been Kerenskyed and Trotskyfied and driven about like cattle. - -"The Germans have an average man, but he has suffered himself to be -Williamized. His conscience has been mislaid. - -[Illustration: 0117] - -"Since 1860 this average man of ours has given of his blood and -substance for the ideals of Democracy and with not the remotest hope of -gain. His God is the father of the whole human family--a God of progress -whose aim is not the selfish enjoyment of a favored few, but the welfare -of all men the world over. His aim is, in short, common sense--a common -sense of honor and decency and brotherhood in the great family. - -"Again we fight for this ideal--driven to it by the hateful conduct of -our brothers in Germany. - -"I wish you would say for me to the folks at home that there is a great -opportunity in this big common purpose of ours--an opportunity to drop -all outworn and unessential differences of creed and get together. Let -us inaugurate the Ismless Sunday and cut out the waste--the waste of -rent and interest and coal and light and energy. Let us cut out the -empty seats and the empty preachers and the quarrelsome brothers and -sisters and get together in the biggest meeting-house in town on a -basis of common sense--the common sense of the fatherhood of God and the -brotherhood of man with Christ as the great example. Let us not worry -and quarrel as to whether Christ was God or man. He was the first -and greatest Democrat and would have us work together in peace for -Democracy. That is the important thing. - -"Tell those ladies who sit around the fireplace knitting sweaters and -indulging in delicious chills of pessimism, to quit. There should be -an asylum for the misery lovers who sit in snug security and dream of -misfortunes--Zeppelin raids, submarine bombardments and the end of the -world. They grab at every straw of pessimism. Nothing pleases them so -much as to find fault with the Government, which is doing its best with -a difficult problem, and mighty well at that. - -"Tell them to stop shooting at the pianist. He is the only one we have. -All faces to the front! The spirit of Democracy is _confidence_ in the -justice and the success of its cause. Let there be no discordant voices -in our chorus. - -"That reminds me of the story of - - -THE CUFFING OF ANN MARIA. - -"In the town of my birth there lived a hen-pecked farmer of the name of -Amos Swope. He was a peaceful and contented soul without any good excuse -for it. His wife, Ann Maria, was a scold and a fault finder. She had -pecked upon Amos for years. When she got tired her sister came and -helped her. My father used to say that they reminded him of Philo -Scott's pet crane. Philo used to lead him around with a big cork stuck -on the end of his bill. - -"'What is that cork on his bill for?' my father asked. - -"'So's 't he can't peck,' said Philo. - -"'Can he peck?' - -"'Tolerable severe, an' when he hits anything he calcallates to put a -hole in it, an' he ain't often disapp'inted. One day my dog, Christmas, -tackled him and the old crane fetched Christmas a peck on the forward -an' I ain't seen that dog since. He's just naturally mean an' he ain't -never learnt how to control himself.' - -"So it was with Ann Maria and her sister. But Amos used to sit as quiet -and unconcerned as an old tree with a pair of wood-peckers knockin' away -at it. He never pecked back but once. - -"They had gone up to the St. Lawrence to camp out an' fish for a week or -so--Amos and his boy, Bill, and Ann Maria and her sister. One day when -they were landing a big fish they got into the stiff current above the -Long Sault. Something had to be done right away. Amos dropped his tackle -and began pulling on the oars. Bill went to work with his paddle. The -women began to complain an' move around and rock the boat. They knew -they were going to be drowned. They insisted upon it with loud cries. -Amos, in the midst of heroic efforts, tried to quiet them. They -continued to cry out and when the boat shipped water they dodged. It was -a bad situation. - -"Amos fetched Ann Maria a cuff and told her to dry up an' sit still. The -women obeyed him. When they were out of danger he said: - -"'It ain't fair to expect a man to rassle with a strong current an' run -an insane asylum all in the same minute. If ye can't help, don't hinder. -You two have been rockin' the boat for years an' I guess it's about time -ye quit.' - -"People used to say that Ann Maria turned over a new leaf and behaved -herself proper after that. - -"There's some folks that are pecking at the country these days. We're -in the current of the Long Sault and Uncle Sam has the oars. We should -remember that if we can't help we mustn't hinder. We can help William a -lot by just yelling and rocking the boat. - -"I wish you would say to the boys in camp on both sides of the ocean -that I should like to go and share their work and perils. Last autumn -I crossed the French and British lines where hostile shells were -bursting--sometimes uncomfortably near me--and went within ninety feet -of the German trenches. I have tried the perils which our boys will have -to suffer, but, unfortunately, I am too old to fight with them. - -"It is a great privilege they enjoy--that of going out to battle for -honor and decency and the good of the world. They have entered the great -university of common sense. There is no other like it. What a school -is that comradeship of the camp and the trenches! For the first time in -history the whole civilized world stands shoulder to shoulder." - -"Do you think our boys are likely to profit by their experience?" I -asked. - -"It all depends on the boy. - -"Let me tell you a story just as I heard it from the lips of an American -soldier lad. I would call it: - - -THE ALL HE LIFE - -"He was a big, broad shouldered, brawny man with a rugged manner of -speech. He described himself very well when he said to me: I can think -as pure white as anybody but I want to talk like a he man.' - -"He had been wounded by a burst of shrapnel and was not badly hurt, -although one side of his face looked as if it had been raked by the -claws of a leopard. He had told me that for a day after the accident -he had heard a sound in his head 'like two skeletons rassling on a tin -roof.' - -"Who but an American soldier in France would talk like that? Indeed -I found that he was from Kansas City and had the mixed dialect of the -midcountry. - -"'Do you think it makes ye better or worse--this game of war?' I asked. - -"'Well, sir, I'd say better,' he answered. 'Ye get things measured up -right, over here. Ye learn how to use yer thinker. Nobody knows what -peace and home and friends are worth 'til they're gone and ye don't know -whether you're ever going to see 'em again or not It ain't a bad thing -to live the all he life a while and see the family in dreams. They look -so gol durnably different. I reckon it's helped me. Maybe I better -tell ye a little story and you'll see what I mean. It'll be a Christmas -story. - -"'We were in the ruined city of Peronne that Christmas Day. My friend -and I were homesick and had tramped across country from the camp of our -engineering corps to send a message to our wives in Kansas City, and -to blow ourselves to a good dinner with a bottle of wine and cigars if -money could buy 'em. We were a little over beaned and tea!--gosh! we -were soaked in it, and that French tobacco reminded me of my father's -cure for the epizootic. We had been gander-dancing on a new railroad for -weeks. We were shovel tired and kind o' man weary. By thunder! we hadn't -seen a woman in three months. - -"'You who see women every day don't realize that they're a pretty -necessary part of the scenery. Oh, you don't miss 'em for a week or -so, but by and by you begin to find out there's something wrong. Things -don't look right. The hole in the doughnut is too big. You'd be kind -o' glad to hear what somebody said at the Woman's Club, and all about -Betsey Baker's new pink silk, and how shabby that one old dress of -your wife's was getting to be. You'd like to see a set o' skirts come -along--I _guess._ It would kind o' comfort you. If you didn't have -pretty good self-control you'd get up and wave your hat and holler. - -"'Then--_children_--that's another thing you miss. We don't see 'em on -the battle front--ne'er a one! What a hole they make in the world when -you take 'em out of it!--especially if you've got some of your own. They -come to me in my dreams--the wife and babies! I'll bet ye there's -more'n a thousand of 'em crowding into that big camp every night, about -dream-time, and looking for theirs. - -"'Oh, I wouldn't have ye get the idea that we set and sob and talk mush -and look sorrowful there. If you just grabbed a look at us and went on -you'd say we were no Hamlets. Gosh, no! We play cards and joke and laugh -and tell stories a plenty. You wouldn't get what's down under it all -unless some feller kind o' confessed and turned state's evidence. No, -sir--I don't believe you would. - -"'I'm just telling ye enough to make ye understand why We went out to -Peronne that Christmas Day and what happened to us there. I speak -French pretty glib--that's another reason why we went. My mother was -a Louisiana French woman. I got it from her when I was a little -chap--never forgot it--and I bossed a gang of Frenchmen for two years. - -"'We found a man who ran a little grocery shop and restaurant down in -one of the old cellars. He had had a fine big caf up-stairs before the -German army swatted the town with dynamite. He was a sad little man who -lived down there in the lamplight with his wife. The Huns had carried -their two daughters away with them. He had cleaned the litter out of his -cellars and repaired their walls and so they had a home and something to -do. - -"'I asked him if he could get up a good dinner for us. - -"'"Oui, Monsieur," he answered promptly. "I can get you a fine duck and -celery and preserved strawberries, and I could make a little pastry." - -"'"How much for the dinner?" - -"'"Thirty francs--I can not make it less." - -"'"Make it forty and we'll call it a bargain," I urged. - -"'You should have seen the smile on his face then. - -"'"Les Americans! They always talk like that--God be with them!" he -said. "Trust me, Monsieur. I will make you happy." - -"'Dinner would be ready in two hours and we went out for a walk and -a look at the waste of ruins. It seemed as if there were miles of -them--honestly! You see they loaded every basement with dynamite and -wired the whole place and then touched the button. Down it came. There -isn't a roof standing. We tramped about looking for relics. It was a -pretty day and warm in the sunlight. - -"'Suddenly a woman, dressed in black, with a little girl about six years -old--spick and span and pretty as a picture--came along. They looked -like angels to us. Didn't seem so they was exactly human. We stood -watching 'em. - -"'I reckon I'd have give about a year o' my life for a day's use o' that -kid--honestly. I'd just like to have got down on the ground and rolled -and hollered and tickled and tossed her just as I used to play with my -own kids. My hands itched to get hold of her. We followed along behind -'em kind o' hankerin' and a wishin'. She was a pretty little thing as ye -ever looked at, with curly hair hanging down on her shoulders and shiny, -silver buckled slippers and white stockin's. I just wanted to frame up -some kind of excuse to speak to 'em, but I suppose they wouldn't have -understood me. - -"'They stopped and looked around a minute and then the woman opened -an iron gate and they went into one of the old dooryards. When we came -along we saw that the woman was sitting amongst the rubbish and crying. - -"'"It's her home--dummed if it ain't," I whispered. - -"'I reckon 'twas natural for 'em to come back to it on Christmas -Day--plumb natural to come back to where they had been happy once with -all the family around. What a place! You'd think that an earthquake -and a cyclone had gone into partnership for about a minute and done a -smashing business. About half the back wall was standing and there hung -a little corner of the attic floor and the wind had blown the dirt up -there and some flowers and grass all withered by the cold had sprung up -in it, and beyond that was an old baby carriage with a ragged top and a -spinning-wheel. - -"'The little girl didn't seem to notice her mother. She was running -around on the ruins and picking up broken dishes. I reckon that kid had -got used to the crying of men and women. The sight of grief didn't worry -her any more--not a bit. She was flying around like a bird on the ruins. - -"'We sat down behind some bushes by the iron fence just to see what -happened. - -"'By and by I heard the little girl call in a voice that kind o' made me -swaller--honest it was as sweet as the first bird song in the spring. - -"'"Mother! Mother!" she called. - -"'"What is it--little one!" the mother answered. - -"'"Dinner's ready." - -"Talk about silver bells! Say, mister, never again! Honest, I never heard -a sound like the voice of that kid. It kind o' floored me--sure thing! -Up there at the front we just hear the growling of cannon and the -whinnying of horses and the swearing of men day and night. Maybe that's -why the kid's voice took hold of us that way. I don't know. After I had -heard it I felt as if I could walk to Kansas City. Honest Injun! - -"'We peeked through the bushes and saw that the little girl had dragged -a board between her and her mother and covered it with broken dishes. -Then she began to chitter-chatter. - -"'Here's some lovely soup and there's a fine goose and a great bowl full -of the best jelly that ever was and potatoes and celery and spinach and -everything that you like, mother. It's a Christmas dinner you know. -Papa will sit here and Henri will sit there and we are going to have the -grandest time." - -"'So the little chatter-box went on--good deal like a fine lady--and her -mother said: - -"'"Papa! Henri! They are not here! They will eat no more with? us." - -"'"Why?" - -"'"_Mort pour la patrie_--both of them! my child!" - -"'"No, mother, they are here. I can see them just as plain! Come, -mother, they are waiting!" - -"'Oh, by thunder! If I only had a mind like that I said to myself--a -mind that hadn't got so kind of stiff and sore and muscle bound--a mind -that was so clean and supple and that hadn't forgotten how to believe in -the things I do not see. Or do ye suppose that the clear eyes of a kid -can realty see things that we can't? - -"'"God bless you--nay little saviour! You know how to make me -happy--don't ye?" said the mother with her handkerchief at her eyes. - -"Then they both sat down there and began to eat that ghostly dinner with -the ghosts of the dead. - -"'Gosh all hemlock! I just shut my eyes and heard a sound like a wind -blowing in my head. I turned and whispered to my pal.' - -"'"You stay here. I'll be back right away."' - -"Then I sloped on my tiptoes. Went to the cellar and found that man -and brought him with me. I told him to invite them to dinner and that I -would pay for it. I didn't care if it took the last sous marquee in my -breeches. - -"When we got back they were both singing _The Marseillaise_, that -my mother taught me when I was a kid, as they sat at their Christmas -dinner: - - - Amour sacr de la patrie - - Conduis soutiens nos bras vengeurs - - Libert Libert cherie, - - Combats avec tes dfenseurs! - - -"They heard us coming and stopped. Can ye beat it? Say, mister, the -boches might as well try to conquer the birds of the air. - -"The man knew them. They had been well off and respectable folks in -Peronne before the war. Now they were refugees living on charity in a -distant village. - -"'We gave them a part of our dinner but I do not think they were as -happy in the cellar as they had been with the ghosts. They were very -glum but we--well, ye know, sir, I reckon they helped our Christmas a -lot. You bet I do. - -"'Ye know I had him put three extra plates at oar table--one for Mary -and one for little Kate and one for my roguish boy Bill. Say, I had -learned something from that kid--you bet. It isn't necessary for me to -fall asleep to have 'em with me now. - -"The eats! Say, Fred Harvey wouldn't be deuce high with that little -Frenchman. - -"'We had _some_ dinner, don't you doubt it, my friend, and forgot that -there was a war. - -"'And ye know the funny part of it is this: Mary wrote me of her dream -that she and the kids had dinner with me on Christmas Day.' - -"I have told you this story because it gives you a day in the life of an -American soldier, with its psychological background and a glimpse of the -fatherless children. If you were one of the boys in khaki I would remind -you that, after all, there is only one great thing in the world--man. -What an extension of human sympathy and understanding is coming to you, -my bright young soldier lad! As it comes it will go out in some measure -to the duller fellows who share your thought and meat and perils. - -"You will have a wiser brain, a nobler spirit and a stronger body. This -digging and marching and sweating in the open is the best thing that can -happen to you. I often thought that no wiser thing could be done for our -college boys than mobilize them every summer and send them to camp in -the wheat-fields for two or three months of hard work. - -"What's the matter with an army of peace, with its companies, regiments -and divisions, doing, under military discipline, constructive instead of -destructive work--doing the things that need most to be done, getting -in the harvests or building roads? It might give a part of its time each -day to military training, especially to rifle practise. It would be a -school of Democracy. Its best product would be spirit, its next best -brawn, and last of all the work done. - -"You will encounter perils in France, my brave lad, and the least of -them will be those of the battle-field. It is when you go to Paris on -leave that I would have you look out for yourself. - -"I'm not much of a preacher. I am not so foolish as to think that all -wisdom is in the Bible. To speak honestly, I am inclined to think that -there are many things in the Bible which oughtn't to be there. The -Kaiser seems to me to be imitating the sanctified slayers of the Old -Testament. You will find chapters there which read like a report of the -German General Staff after a successful drive. It is there that crazy -Bill finds his warrant for disemboweling so many people and mistreating -his prisoners. That kind of history should be summarily deprived of the -odor of sanctity, in my humble opinion. - -"But there is one sentence of Scripture that I would have you -remember--my brave, fine fellows who are to fight under this flag -of ours. Having lived some fifty years and been a somewhat careful -observer, I would call it the most impressive sentence ever written. It -is full of vital truth. Every young man ought to read it once a day and -think of it as often as he is tempted. It is from the book of Job and it -says: - -"'His bones are full of the sin of his youth, which shall lie down with -him in the dust.' - -"Think it over, boys. Think of that word 'bones' which indicates how -deeply it lays hold of you, and of the clause 'which shall lie down with -him in the dust,' which indicates that only death can break its hold. - -"Don't let the optimistic young doctors fool you. It is a serious -matter. You can get along with the mud and vermin of the trenches. They -will only afflict the outside of you. The main thing is to keep clean -inside. Don't allow your life currents to be polluted. See that you -bring bade to your home a clean body. - -"You will do this, unless, when you go to Paris or to some other city, -on leave, you fall for that French wine and lose your head in the -process. Let it alone, I beg of you, and remember that your greatest -peril is not on the battle-field. - -"Do not for a moment lose faith in the issue. 'The cause of Liberty -bequeathed from sire to son, though baffled oft is ever won.' - -"I have seen how eagerly, how cheerfully the young men at the front -give their lives for something greater than they. It has filled me with -wonder. - -"I have a little farm out here on the hills. It has helped me to -understand the world I live in and especially these boys. How often -I have seen the winds of autumn strip the grove and garden of their -loveliness until nothing was left but dead stalks and bare branches. -The captains and the kings had departed. I have seen them returning--the -delicate green of the new leaves in spring, the grass, the violets, and -here are the familiar sprouts of the poison ivy. I thought that I had -tom the last of it out of the ground last summer, but here it is. - -"Everything passes away but it returns, and the noxious ivy is the -most persistent returner of all. I am busy fighting it every spring and -summer. - -"So it is with this world of men. Caesar dies, despotism is uprooted, as -we thought, and we discover that they have returned and are busy growing -and spreading their roots. Everything returns if you give it a chance. -Herod has returned and is slaying the male children. Pilate has returned -and is sitting in judgment. - -[Illustration: 0141] - -"Do you tell me that Jesus Christ will return? Nay, I tell you He has -already returned. He is in the camps and on the battle-fields of France -and Belgium. He is in the hearts of the young men who are dying as He -died to make men free. - -"So, my young soldier lads of Great Britain, France, Italy and the -United States, I take off my hat and bare my gray head when you march by -me, for I know why you are so brave." - -It was near midnight when the country lawyer and I left his office and -headed up the main street of the village toward his home. After a moment -of silence we reached the public square and then he directed my eyes -toward the glowing lamp of Jupiter in the sky. - -"When you get to wondering at God's neglect of His duty, it's a good -idea to go out and take a look at the stars riding up there in the -sunlight," he said. "I guess this little world of ours has got to take -care of itself. Kind o' looks to me as if God had enough of His own work -to do, especially when so many of us are loafing. I don't see how we -can complain if we do have to 'tend to our own business. We've been -depending a long time on prayer an' indolence an' good luck while we let -the weeds grow in the garden. I rather guess we'll have to do our own -hoein'. Every man to his hoe! And let's take care that the weeds don't -get too far ahead of us again. - -"If this planet is to be a safe and decent place to live upon, there -should be an International School Commission agreed as to one main -purpose--that of cultivating good will between the races which inhabit -it. Of course, no power could remove all the lies from history, but I -hope that the lies and also the truth of it could be so put as to rob -them of the seed of bitterness, even against the Germans." - -THE END - - - - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Keeping Up with William, by Irving Bacheller - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK KEEPING UP WITH WILLIAM *** - -***** This file should be named 50093-8.txt or 50093-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/0/0/9/50093/ - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Keeping Up with William - In which the Honorable Socrates Potter Talks of the Relative - Merits of Sense Common and Preferred - -Author: Irving Bacheller - -Illustrator: Gaar Williams - -Release Date: September 30, 2015 [EBook #50093] -Last Updated: March 12, 2018 - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK KEEPING UP WITH WILLIAM *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - - - - - -</pre> - <div style="height: 8em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h1> - KEEPING UP WITH WILLIAM - </h1> - <h4> - In Which the Honorable Socrates Potter Talks of the Relative Merits of - Sense Common and Preferred - </h4> - <h2> - By Irving Bacheller - </h2> - <h4> - Author of Keeping Up With Lizzie. The Light In the Clearing, Etc. - </h4> - <h3> - With Cartoons by Gaar Williams - </h3> - <h5> - 1918 - </h5> - <p> - <br /> <br /> <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:65%;"> - <img src="images/0008.jpg" alt="0008m " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0008.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:65%;"> - <img src="images/0009.jpg" alt="0009m " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0009.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - TO THE CHILDREN OF FRANCE AND BELGIUM—MADE FATHERLESS BY WILLIAMISM—WHOSE - WRONGS HAVE ENLISTED THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN AGAINST THE MISLED HOSTS OF - GERMANY, I DEDICATE THIS BOOK AND THE PROCEEDS OF ITS SALE. - </p> - <h3> - KEEPING UP WITH WILLIAM - </h3> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <p> - <b>CONTENTS</b> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I.—WHICH OPENS FIRE ON THE EXACTING - INDUSTRY OF SUPERING </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II.—WHICH TEACHES THAT ONE SHOULD - NEVER HITCH HIS CONSCIENCE TO </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III.—WHICH PRESENTS THE STORY OF - THE SMOTHERED SON </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV.—WHICH HANDS OUT SOME SOME - COMMON TO THE SUPERERS IN AMERICA </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. WHICH DROPS A FEW ROUNDS OF SHRAPNEL - ON THE HUNS IN AMERICA </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI.—WHICH IS MOSTLY FOR THE BOYS OF - OUR ARMY </a> - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER I.—WHICH OPENS FIRE ON THE EXACTING INDUSTRY OF SUPERING - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he new year of - 1918 was not a month old the day I went up to Connecticut to see the - Honorable Socrates Potter. I found the famous country lawyer sitting in - the very same chair from which, seven years ago, he had told me the story - of keeping up with Lizzie. His feet rested peacefully on a table in front - of him as he sat reading a law book. Logs were burning in the fireplace. A - spaniel dog lay dozing on a rug in front of it. What a delightful flavor - of old times and good tobacco was in that inner office of his—with - its portraits of Lincoln and his war cabinet, of Silas Wright and Daniel - Webster and Rufus Choate and Charles Sumner, with its old rifle and powder - horn hanging above the modest mantel and its cases of worn law books! - Beyond the closed door were busy clerks and clicking typewriters, for Mr. - Potter's business had grown to large proportions, but here was peace and - the atmosphere of deliberation. There was never any haste in this small - factory of opinions. - </p> - <p> - “Hello! Have you come for another book?” he asked. - </p> - <p> - “Always looking for another book,” I answered. “It's about time that you - got into this big fight between Democracy and—” - </p> - <p> - “Deviltry,” he interrupted with a stern look. “By thunder I've offered to - take up the sword but they say I'm too old to fight. I don't believe it. - My great grandfather fought at Lexington when he was sixty-four.” - </p> - <p> - “You can do more good with some conversation than you could with a sword - or a gun,” I urged. “I've come up here to touch the button and now you're - expected to say something for the boys at the front and the folks at home. - Just turn your search-light on the general situation.” - </p> - <p> - “Well, I have quite a stock of shrapnel and liquid fire for the rear line - of the Germans,” he began. “My searchlight is a modest kind of a lantern - but we'll see what we can do with it. - </p> - <p> - “This time we'll talk on the subject of keeping up with William. - </p> - <p> - “The other day, in the rooms of the Connecticut Historical Society, I was - reading the diary of one Abigail Foote written in 1775. This, as I - remember it, was an average day in her life: Mended mother's hood, set a - red dye, hetchelled flax with Hannah, spun four pounds of whole wool, spun - thread for harness twine, worked on a cheese basket, read a sermon of - Doddridge's, scoured the pewter, milked the cows, carded wool, got supper - ready, went to bed at nine. - </p> - <p> - “I wish you to note that she went to bed at nine. Do you think that a - modern girl would knock off at nine? Not at all. She sticks to her task - until midnight and even longer. Abigail had only to be an ordinary human - being with nothing to do but work. The modern girl must have the beauty of - a goddess, the grace of a gazelle, the digestion of an ostrich, the - endurance of a horse and the remorse of a human being. It is a large - contract. “We are all familiar with the diary of a modern girl. Its - average day would be about as follows: Got up. Neck felt like a string on - a toy balloon. Had some toast and coffee. Had my hair dressed and nails - manicured. Put a new ribbon on my dog and walked him around the block. - Went to meeting of the charity committee. Learned that there were many - people out of work. Went to see the doctor who warned me about overeating - and late hours. Same old chestnut! Lunched with Mabel. Ate half a pound of - chocolates and so much cake that the butler had a frightened look. Home - again. Dressed. Went with mama to a lecture on the insane. Mama woke me at - five. It was all over. Went to Gladys's tea. Danced half an hour. Home - again. Dressed. Spent fifteen minutes with papa and my dog. Went with - Harry and mama to Gwendolyn's party. Danced until midnight. Home at one. - Nearly frozen. Talk about long hours and poor pay and insufficient - clothing; this reminds one of the story of Washington's army in the worst - winter of the revolution. - </p> - <p> - “Now, both of these girls toiled. - </p> - <p> - “The one in productive work with the wool and the flax. It was done mostly - for the comfort of others. The modern girl wears herself out supering. Do - you know what it means to super? It is to follow the exacting industry of - being superior.” - </p> - <p> - “Superior to what?” I asked. - </p> - <p> - “To productive work,” he went on. “Their toil is all in the service of - themselves and in pursuit of their own pleasure. - </p> - <p> - “That's what's the matter with this old earth. For many years more than - half its people have been supering—wasting their time in busy - idleness—on the high road to deviltry. You don't have to think twice - to decide that it is about the most dangerous of all crimes, my friend, - because it is the straight way to all crime. It leads direct to deceit, - theft, adultery and murder. It kills the sense of brotherhood in the heart - of man. It kills the spirit of Democracy. The world is being strafed for - it, in my opinion. - </p> - <p> - “Now the center and headquarters of all supering is Prussia—the home - of the superman—and Bill Hohenzollern, the Godful, is the head and - front of the whole push. - </p> - <p> - “There are two kinds of superiority—real and assumed. Real - superiority is largely unconscious of itself. It can never be inherited—there's - the important fact about it. You will recall that there are only three - cases on record of a great father begetting a great son. The son is apt to - have a sense of inherited superiority. It destroys everything worth while - in him. - </p> - <p> - “Of all the defects that flesh is heir to, a sense of inherited - superiority is the most deplorable. It is worse than insanity or idiocy or - curvature of the spine. There are millions of acres of land in Europe - occupied by nothing but a sense of inherited superiority; there are - millions of hands and intellects in Europe occupied by nothing but a sense - of inherited superiority, while billions of wealth have been devoted to - its service and embellishment. A man who has even a small amount of it - needs a force of porters and footmen to help him tote it around, and a - guard to keep watch for fear that some one will grab his superiority and - run off with it when his back is turned. - </p> - <p> - “A full equipment of inherited superiority, decorated with a title, a - special dialect, a lot of old armor and university junk, stuck out so that - there wasn't room for more than one outfit in a township. Most of the - bloodshed has been caused by the blunders or the hoggishness of inherited - superiority. It is the nursing bottle of insanity and the Mellin's Food of - crime. - </p> - <p> - “Now hot air has been the favorite dissipation of kings. James the First - was one of the world's greatest consumers of hot air; enough to put him - into business with the Almighty. To be sure, it was not a full - partnership. It was no absolute Hohenzollern monopoly of mortal - participation. - </p> - <p> - “There are two kinds of sense in men—common and preferred, plain and - fancy. The common has become the great asset of mankind; the preferred its - great liability. Our forefathers had large holdings of the common, certain - kings and their favorites of the preferred. The preferred represented an - immense bulk of inherited superiority and an alleged pipe line leading - from the king's throne to Paradise, and connected with the fount of every - blessing by the best religious plumbers. It always drew dividends, whether - the common got anything or not. The preferred holders ran the plant and - insisted that they held a first mortgage on it. When they tried to - foreclose with military power to back them, some of our forefathers got - out. - </p> - <p> - “We, their sons, are now crossing the seas to take up that ancient issue - between sense common and preferred and to determine the rights of each. We - are fighting for the foundations of Democracy—the dictates of common - sense. - </p> - <p> - “For the sake of saving time, I hope you will grant me license to resort - to the economy of slang. A man might do worse these days. There is one - great destroyer of common sense. It is hot air. I remember how scared of - it the Yankees used to be. They were most economical with their praise. I - never heard a word of it in my youth. It came to me after some travel now - and then—never to my face. They knew the deadly power of it—those - Yankees. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:65%;"> - <img src="images/0025.jpg" alt="0025m " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0025.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - “Now hot air has been the favorite dissipation of kings. James the First - was one of the world's' great consumers of hot air. He and his family and - friends took all that Great Britain could produce—never, I am glad - to say, a large amount, but enough to put James into business with the - Almighty. To be sure, it was not a full partnership. It was no absolute - Hohenzollern monopoly of mortal participation. It was comparatively - modest, but it was enough to outrage the common sense of the English. - After all, divine partnerships were not for the land of Fielding and - Smollett and Swift and Dickens and Thackeray. Too much humor there. Too - much liberty of the tongue and pen. Too great a gift for ridicule. Where - there is ridicule there can be no self-appointed counselors of God, and - handmade halos of divinity find their way to the garbage heap. - </p> - <p> - “Now, if we are to have sound common sense, we must have humor, and if we - are to have humor we must have liberty. There can be no crowned or mitered - knave, no sacred, fawning idiot, who is immune from ridicule; no little - tin deities who can safely slash you with a sword unless you give them the - whole of the sidewalk. Humor would take care of them; not the exuberance - that is born in the wine-press or the beer-vat—humor is no - by-product of the brewery—-but the merriment that comes when common - sense has been vindicated by ridicule. - </p> - <p> - “Solemnity is often wedded to Conceit, and their children have committed - all the crimes on record. You may always look for the devil in the - neighborhood of some solemn and conceited ass who has inherited power and - who, like the one that Balaam rode, speaks for the Almighty. So, when the - devil came back, he steered for the most solemn and perfect ass on the - face of the earth—Bill Hohenzollern. - </p> - <p> - “In his soul the devil began to destroy the common sense of a race with - the atmosphere of hell—hot air. We have seen its effect. It inflates - the intellect. It produces the pneumatic, rubber brain—the brain - that keeps its friends busy with the pump of adulation; the brain - stretched to hold its conceit, out of which we can hear the hot air - leaking in streams of boastfulness. The divine afflatus of an emperor is - apt to make as much disturbance as a leaky steam-pipe. When the pumpers - cease because they are weary, it becomes irritated. Then all hands to the - pumps again. Soon there is no illusion of grandeur too absurd to be real, - no indictment of idiotic presumption which it is unwilling to admit. - </p> - <p> - “By and by it breaks into the realm of the infinite and hastens to the - succor of God, for, to the pneumatic brain, God is slow and old-fashioned. - Thereafter it infests the heavenly throne and seeks to turn it into a - plant for the manufacture of improved morals, and, so as to insure their - popularity, every agent for these morals is to carry a sword and a gun and - a license to use them. The alleged improvement consists in taking all the - nots out of the ten commandments. Nots are irritating to certain people - who have plans for murder, rape, arson, and piracy. - </p> - <p> - “Hohenzollern and Krupp had taken the Lord into partnership and begun to - give Him lessons in efficiency. Moreover, they were not to be free - lessons. The lessons were to be paid for, but they were willing to give - Him easy terms, for which they were to show Him how to hasten the slow - process of evolution. Evolution was hindered and delayed by sentiment and - emotion. - </p> - <p> - “Sentiment and emotion were a needless inheritance. Hohenzollern and Krupp - proposed to cut them out of life and abolish tears. Tears consumed the - time and strength of the people. They were factors of inefficiency. What - was the use of crying over spilled milk and dead people? Tears were in the - nature of a luxury. The poor could not afford them. Life was not going to - be lived any longer—it was to be conducted. It was to be a kind of a - hurried Cook's tour. Nobody would have to think or feel. All that would be - attended to by the proper official. Life was to be reduced to a merciless - iron plan like that of the beehive—the most perfect example of - efficiency in nature, with its two purposes of storage and race - perpetuation. - </p> - <p> - “No one ever saw a bee shedding tears or worrying about the murder of a - drone. - </p> - <p> - “The ideal of Germany was to be that of the insect. To the bee there is - nothing in the world but bees, enemies, and the nectar in flowers; to the - German there was to be nothing in the world but Germans, enemies, and loot - With no wall of pity and sentiment between them and other races they could - rain showers of bursting lyddite on the unsuspecting, and after that the - will of the Kaiser and God would be respected. The firm would prosper. It - is not the first time that conceit and Kultur have hitched their wagon to - infinity. It is the old scheme of Nero and Caligula—-the ancient - dream of the pneumatic prince. He can rule a great nation, but first he - must fool it. First he must induce his people to part with their common - sense and take some preferred—a dangerous quality of preferred. This - he can do in a generation by the systematic use of hot air. - </p> - <p> - “You may think that this endangered the national morals, but do not be - hasty. The morals were being looked after. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:65%;"> - <img src="images/0035.jpg" alt="0035m " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0035.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - “Every school, every pulpit, every newspaper, every book, became a - pumping-station for hot air impregnated with the new morals. Poets, - philosophers, orators, teachers, statesmen, romancers, were summoned to - the pumps: Rivers of beer and wine flowed into the national abdomen and - were converted into mental and moral flatulency. - </p> - <p> - “For thirty years Germany had been on a steady dream diet. Every school, - every pulpit, every newspaper, every book, became a pumping-station for - hot air impregnated with the new morals. Poets, philosophers, orators, - teachers, states' men, romancers, were summoned to the pumps. - </p> - <p> - “Morning hate with its coffee and prayers, its hourly self-contentment - with its toil, its evening superiority with its beer and frankfurters. - History was falsified, philosophy bribed, religion coerced and corrupted, - conscience silenced—at first by sophistry, then by the iron hand. - Hot air was blowing from all sides. It was no gentle breeze. It was a - simoom, a tornado. No one could stand before it—not even a sturdy - Liebknecht or an unsullied Harden. - </p> - <p> - “Germany was inebriated with a sense of its mental grandeur and moral - pulchritude. Now moral pulchritude is like a forest flower. It can not - stand the fierce glare of publicity; you can not handle it as you would - handle sausages and dye and fertilizer. Observe how the German military - party is advertising its moral pulchritude—one hundred per cent, - pure, blue ribbon, <i>spurlos versenkt</i>, honest-to-God morality!—the - kind that made hell famous. - </p> - <p> - “I don't blame than at all. How would any one know that they had it if - they did not advertise it? - </p> - <p> - “It is easy to accept the hot-air treatment for common sense—easy - even for sober-minded men. The cocaine habit is not more swiftly acquired - and brings a like sense of comfort and exhilaration. Slowly the Germans - yielded to its sweet inducement. They began to believe that they were - supermen—the chosen people; they thanked God that they were not like - other men. Their first crime was that of grabbing everything in the heaven - of holy promise. It would appear that those clever Prussians had arranged - with St. Peter for all the reserved seats—nothing but standing room - left Heaven was to be a place exclusively for the lovers of frankfurters - and sauerkraut and Limburger cheese. - </p> - <p> - “God was altogether their God. Of course! Was He not a member of the firm - of Hohenzollern & Krupp? And, being so, other races were a bore and an - embarrassment. Would He not gladly be rid of them? Certainly. Other races - were God's enemies, and therefore German enemies. So it became the right - and duty of the Germans to reach out and possess the earth and its - fulness. The day had arrived. There was nothing in the world but Germans - and enemies and loot. - </p> - <p> - “Their great leader, in their name, had claimed a swinish monopoly of - God's favor. His was not the contention of James the First, that all true - kings enjoy divine-right—oh, not at all! Bill had grown rather husky - and had got his feet in the trough, and was going to crowd the others out - of it. He was the one and only. And as he crowded, he began to pray, and - his prayers came out of lips which had confessed robbery and violated good - faith and inspired deeds of inhuman frightfulness. His prayers were - therefore nothing more nor less than hot air aimed at the ear of the - Almighty and carrying with them the flavor of the swine-yard. In all this - Church and people stood by him. It would seem that the devil had taken - both unto a high mountain and showed them the kingdoms of the earth and - their glory, and that they had yielded to his blandishments. - </p> - <p> - “Now the thing that has happened to the criminal is this. In one way or - another, he loses his common sense. He ceases to see things in their just - relations and proportions. The difference between right and wrong dwindles - and disappears from his vision. He convinces himself that he has a right - to at least a part of the property of other people. Often he acquires a - comic sense of righteousness. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:65%;"> - <img src="images/0045.jpg" alt="0045m " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0045.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - “I have lately been in the devastated regions of northern France. I have - seen whole cities of no strategic value which the German armies had - destroyed by dynamite before leaving them to a silence like that of the - grave—the slow-wrought walls of old cathedrals and public buildings - tumbled into hopeless ruin; the châteaux, the villas, the little houses of - the poor, shaken into heaps of moldering rubbish. And I see in it a sign - of that greater devastation which covers the land of William II—the - devastation of the spirit of the German people; for where is that moral - grandeur of which Heine and Goethe and Schiller and Luther were the - far-heard compelling voices? I tell you it has all been leveled into heaps - of moldering rubbish—a thousand times more melancholy than any in - France. - </p> - <p> - “Behold the common sense of Germany become the sense that is common only - among criminals! The sooner we recognize that, the better. They are really - burglars in this great house of God we inhabit, seeking to rob it of its - best possessions—Hindenburglars! In this war we must give them the - consideration due a burglar, and only that. We must hit them how and where - we may. We are bound by no nice regard for fair play. We must kill the - burglar or the burglar will kill us. - </p> - <p> - “When I went away to the battle-front, a friend said to me: - </p> - <p> - “'Try to learn how this incredible thing came about and why it continues. - That is what every one wishes to know.' - </p> - <p> - “Well, hot air was the cause of it. Now why does it continue? My answer - is, bone-head—mostly plumed bone-head. - </p> - <p> - “Think of those diplomats who were twenty years in Germany and yet knew - nothing of what was going on around them and of its implications! You say - that they did know, and that they warned their peoples? Well, then, you - may shift the bone-heads on to other shoulders. Think of the diplomatic - failures that have followed! - </p> - <p> - “I bow my head to the people of England and to the incomparable valor of - her armies and fleets. My friendly criticism is aimed at the one and only - point in which she could be said to resemble Germany, viz., in a certain - limited encouragement of supermen. - </p> - <p> - “Now, if the last three years have taught us anything, it is this: the - superman is going to be unsupered. Considering the high cost of up-keep - and continuous adulation, he does not pay. He is in the nature of a - needless tax upon human life and security. His mistakes, even, to use no - harsher word, have slaughtered more human beings than there are in the - world. The born gentleman and professional aristocrat, with a hot-air - receiver on his name, who lives in a tower of inherited superiority and - looks down at life through hazy distance with a telescope, has and can - have no common sense. He is a good soldier, he knows the habits of the - grouse and the stag, he can give an admirable dinner, he understands the - principles of international law, but when international law turns into - international anarchy he is not big enough to find the way of common sense - through the emergency. He has not that intimate knowledge of human nature - which comes only of a long and close contact with human, beings. Without - that knowledge he will know no more of what is in the other fellow's mind - and the bluff that covers it in a critical clash of wits than a baby - sucking its bottle in a perambulator. He fails, and the cost of his - failure no man can estimate. He stands discredited. As a public servant he - is going into disuse and his going vindicates the judgment of our - forefathers as to like holders of sense preferred. - </p> - <p> - “Now is the time when all men must choose between two ideals: Behold the - common sense of Germany become the sense that is common only among - criminals! The sooner we recognize that, the better. They are really - burglars in this great house of God we inhabit, seeking to rob it of its - best possessions—Hindenburglars! the proud and merciless heart on - the one hand, that of the humble and contrite heart on the other; between - the Hun and the Anglo-Saxon, between evil and good. Faced by such an issue - I declare myself ready to lay all that I have or may have on the old altar - of our common faith. - </p> - <p> - “My friend, be of good cheer. The God of our Fathers has not been Kaisered - or Krupped or hurried in the least. There is no danger that Heaven will be - Teutonized. - </p> - <p> - “The shouting and the tumult dies—The captains and the kings depart—! - Still stands Thine ancient sacrifice. - </p> - <p> - “An humble and a contrite heart Lord God of hosts, be with us yet. - </p> - <p> - “Lest we forget—lest we forget - </p> - <p> - “Lest we forget the innumerable dead who have nobly died, and the host of - the living who with a just and common sense and love of honor have sent - them forth to die. Lest we forget that we and our allies have not been - above reproach; that there were signs of decadence among us—in the - growing love of ease and idleness, in the tango dance of literature and - lust, in the exaltation of pleasure, in a very definite degeneration of - our moral fiber. - </p> - <p> - “Lest we forget that our spirit is being purified in the furnace of war - and the shadow of death. Do you remember the protest of those poilus when - some unclean plays were sent to the battle front for their entertainment? - </p> - <p> - “'We are not pigs'—that was the message they sent back. - </p> - <p> - “Lest we forget that the spirit of man has been lifted up out of the mud - and dust of the battle lines, out of the body tortured with pain and - weariness and vermin, out of the close companionship of the dead into high - association on the bloody altar of liberty and sacrifice. - </p> - <p> - “Lest we forget that the spirit of our own boys shall be thus lifted up, - and our duty to put our house in order and make it a fit place for them to - live in when they shall have returned to it from battle-fields swept, as a - soldier has written, by the cleansing winds of God.” - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER II.—WHICH TEACHES THAT ONE SHOULD NEVER HITCH HIS CONSCIENCE - TO - </h2> - <h3> - A POST AS IF IT WERE A NANNY-GOAT AND GO OFF AND LEAVE IT - </h3> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>ruth is a great - teacher but she often quarrels with the cook,” said Mr. Potter, while - looking at his watch. - </p> - <p> - He went to the telephone and called his home and presently began to - address his wife as follows: - </p> - <p> - “Hello, Betsy! Say, don't expect me 'till I come. I'm in trouble. A feller - came in here and started the war all over again and there's no tellin' - when it'll end. I do not want an inconclusive peace.” - </p> - <p> - As he hung up the telephone his stenographer came in to say good night. - Mr. Potter took his old rifle off the wall, dusted It with a desk cloth - and said: - </p> - <p> - “My great grandfather used that in the battle of Lexington.” - </p> - <p> - He squinted down its long barrel while he gave these instructions to his - helper. - </p> - <p> - “Joe, send down to The Sign of the Flapjack, née Child's, and order corned - beef hash and poached eggs and apple pie and coffee for two.” - </p> - <p> - He turned to me and asked: - </p> - <p> - “Any amendments to propose to that ticket?” - </p> - <p> - “None,” I answered. - </p> - <p> - “Then we will consider it elected. Have the table spread here by the fire, - if you please.” - </p> - <p> - He filled and lighted his pipe, settled down in an easy chair and began - again, with his gun resting across his knees: “The superors try to square - themselves by giving to the poor. It doesn't work. Often we do more harm - than good by giving to the poor. Kindness, sympathy, loving counsel and - the brotherly hand can accomplish much. But the charily of cold cash is a - questionable thing. The girl who knits a pair of socks accomplishes a - larger net result to the good than the one that gives ten pairs to - charity. The girl who did the knitting really produced something. She had - made the world better off by one pair of socks. There is no doubt about - that. The girl who has bought and given away ten pairs has produced - nothing. She has made the world in general no better off. She is a - slacker. She is trying to make her money do her work for her. - </p> - <p> - “The time has come when the world in general has to be considered by each - of us. Civilized humanity has been compacted into a unit. It is threatened - by famine and tyranny. All the money there is can not save us from these - perils unless a lot of people get busy who are now doing nothing but eat - and play. Money has become a very cheap and vulgar thing—almost - every one has money these days. - </p> - <p> - “The time of the great assessment has come and the Lord God is taking His - inventory. Everything is being measured and valued; even your usefulness, - my friend. What are you producing? Is it enough to feed and clothe - yourself and family, even? Corn and potatoes and wheat and wool are more - than money these days. If you don't help to produce them, you are, more or - less, a dead weight. - </p> - <p> - “The idle lands in America ought to get busy. How? The rich men should - begin to cultivate them. I know one such man who is growing two hundred - and fifty acres of potatoes in Florida where nothing has grown before, and - it is estimated his yield will be at least fifty thousand bushels. Now, - that man is doing a real service to Democracy. - </p> - <p> - “When the monster of war is devouring the fruitfulness of the earth and - stopping the labor of those who produce it, there is only one remedy. We - must increase that fruitfulness so that there shall be enough to feed the - monster and the people at home. If this is to be done, every one must - work. In such a situation, the idleness of the able-bodied becomes a - disgrace, and his dinner the food of remorse. - </p> - <p> - “Get busy. I do not mean that we should never play. I do mean that every - day we should do a fair day's work with our hands and brain for the good - of the world at large. - </p> - <p> - “The war has established two brotherhoods, my friend—that's the big - thing about it. A brotherhood of democracy and a brotherhood of slaves. - </p> - <p> - “This brotherhood of slaves has been created by the leprous soul of Bill - Hohenzollern. He has broken down the will of the average man in Germany - and established his own in place of it. He has yoked his people with the - slaves of Turkey and Bulgaria, and with them has overawed the will of the - Austro-Hungarians, mostly a decent people. The will of the Kaiser has - spread over middle Europe like a plague. The name of the plague is - Williamism. We have caught it in America.” - </p> - <p> - “In America!” I exclaimed. - </p> - <p> - “In America,” Mr. Potter went on. “The quarantine officer has been bribed. - He has left the door open and the plague has come in. The name of that - officer is Human Conscience. Williamism can make no progress save through - the carelessness or neglect of the human conscience. - </p> - <p> - “Long ago the German people turned over their consciences to the Kaiser - and the Bundesrath with a license to use them as they thought best. The - people said to themselves: 'The Kaiser enjoys the special protection and - favor of the Lord. He is an intimate friend with a pull. He ought to be - able to make a more expert use of our consciences than we could ourselves. - Therefore, we will appoint him our representative and proxy at the Court - of Heaven. If he and his friends decide, after due consultation with God, - that we had better violate good faith and break our treaties and seize the - property of other races and indulge in murder, rape, arson and piracy, we - will do it. To be sure such action would seem to be wrong, but that is - only because we are common cattle. We are the best herd of common cattle - there is, but we are not supermen. The Bundesrath, the Kaiser and God - ought to know what is right. - </p> - <p> - “Now that, in effect, is exactly what they said to themselves. A people - may prosper and come to no violent trouble under such a plan. But the fact - is, they are living around the crater of a moral Vesuvius. - </p> - <p> - “For two generations all seemed to be going well with the Germans. William - I was a fairly decent-minded man. Bismarck was unscrupulous but careful. - He stepped softly after he had bitten a chunk out of France. He held the - throne in restraint until William, the Godful, jumped upon it with a wild - yell of heavenly inspiration that startled the world. He was going to take - no advice from Mr. Bismarck—not a bit! Right away he appointed - himself secretary of war and attorney general of the Almighty. No such - astonishing familiarity with omnipotence had been seen since the time of - Moses. - </p> - <p> - “There is an ancient legend which says that, when Cæsar invaded Gaul, an - old bowman of the north, having been captured and brought to the - headquarters of the great Consul, said: - </p> - <p> - “'Hello, Julius! I am with you.' - </p> - <p> - “It was like Bill Hohenzollern, only Bill didn't say 'Hello, Julius!' The - whole world stood aghast. - </p> - <p> - “Bismarck stepped down and out. He must have seen what was coming. - </p> - <p> - “Now this young lunatic should have been examined and condemned and sent - to an asylum as a paranoiac. Instead of that, he was given full power and - allowed to endow and develop a school of bribed historians and lunatic - philosophers to justify his plans—-Treitschke, Nietzsche, Bernhardi, - backed by the throne and all the supermaniacs that surrounded it. They - created the new morality of Williamism in which all human decency was - disemboweled and God and the devil exchanged crowns. Gosh almighty! It - seems incredible now that we look back upon it. - </p> - <p> - “From the beginning there has been a flavor of the little tin god about - these Hohenzollern fellers. Frederick the Great had a menacing rattle of - self-assertion, like that of a Ford car going to a country picnic. His - favorite dissipation was kicking soldiers. It was a way he had of - advertising his superiority. - </p> - <p> - “Macaulay tells us that he needed proximity and not provocation to kick a - soldier. What a brave Captain he was! Funny, isn't it, how the great - Captains have managed to take care of themselves. Died on hair mattresses, - every one of them except two, Gustavus Adolphus and Stonewall Jackson. - </p> - <p> - “The only man who ever insulted me by just shaking my hand was a - mule-eared Hohenzollern chap known as Prince Heinrich of Prussia. I can - never forget that you-to-hell air of his as he took my hand as if it was a - clod of dirt, without even a look at me. I have always been sorry that I - didn't invite him to the sidewalk. - </p> - <p> - “William II began to strut in the military and hot-air game as soon as he - ascended the throne, and lost no opportunity to tighten his hold upon the - consciences of his people. - </p> - <p> - “Let me tell you the story of - </p> - <h3> - THE MISLAID CONSCIENCE. - </h3> - <p> - “I used to know a feller here of the name of Sam Hopkins. He worked for a - client of mine who ran a lock factory. Sam had been a poor lad—sold - newspapers on the street night and morning. My client liked him and took - him over to the big shop and taught him the trade of making locks and paid - his board until he was able to earn it. Sam became an expert mechanic and - shoved money into his coffers every Saturday night. By and by he had a - wife and three children and a comfortable home and a goodly amount of - spondoolix earning interest. Now for the chance to accomplish all that he - was indebted to my friend and client. - </p> - <p> - “By and by Sam joined the Trade Union. Nobody could find any fault with - Sam for uniting with his fellow workers to accomplish any fair and - reasonable purpose. But Sam had given to the Trade Union exactly what the - Germans had given to the Kaiser and the Bundesrath. He had, in effect, - turned his conscience over to the Union, which had full authority to do as - it thought best with this sacred piece of property. Sam didn't realize - what he had done until the Union ordered him to strike. - </p> - <p> - “To be sure it was a limited proprietorship over his conscience which Sam - had given to the Union. He could keep and use it until the Union called - for it. He had given a kind of note payable in the use of his conscience - <i>on demand</i>. - </p> - <p> - “Sam had no quarrel with the works—no more quarrel than the Germans - had with the Belgians—not a bit. He was more than satisfied with his - wages and his hours and his general treatment His conscience told him that - his duty was to keep at work. But he discovered suddenly that he had no - right to the use of his own conscience. He had deeded it, on demand, to - the Union—lock, stock and barrel. Sam had become a kind of German - soldier. - </p> - <p> - “War was declared. Some of the faithful servants of the big shop were - slain. Others were injured; a part of the properly was wrecked. Sam tried - to do the right thing, but couldn't. He went with the German army. - </p> - <p> - “Now, a man's conscience is given to him for his own use—exclusively - for his own use. There's nothing truer than this: A man's conscience is - like his tooth-brush—it should have but one proprietor. You can not - leave it lying around like an old pair of shoes. Your umbrella is not as - easily lost. It is like your right hand. You can not lay it away—you - can not lend it, and the more you use it the better it is and the less you - use it the weaker it is. Either disuse or misuse will injure it and - possibly deprive you of its service. - </p> - <p> - “Now, Sam's conscience got mislaid in the shuffle. He suddenly discovered - that he hadn't any. I guess it was rather small at best. It was through - this loss that I came to know about him. He was out of work for seven - months and got to drinking. Idleness and regret and the loss of friends - turned him toward the downward path of women, wine and song. He is now in - a Federal prison for counterfeiting—the victim of Williamism. - </p> - <p> - “Now just what had happened to Sam had happened to every man in the German - army. In that deal with the Kaiser his conscience had got mislaid. He was - ready to cut off the hands of a child or torture a wounded man or shoot an - inoffensive civilian. His officers encouraged him to do it and his - conscience was not on duty. It had been turned over to the Kaiser and the - Bundesrath. It had got lost in the shuffle. - </p> - <p> - “I have told you that William had made the ideal of Germany that of the - insect. Let me be sure that you get my meaning. - </p> - <p> - “Have you watched a hive of bees in bright summer weather? Well, you will - find that the workers wear out their wings in two weeks and die. The hive - has only two purposes—storage and race perpetuation. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:65%;"> - <img src="images/0065.jpg" alt="0065m " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0065.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - These purposes are carried out with ruthless and perfect efficiency. - </p> - <p> - The drones are stung to death as soon as they are discovered. The worker - will starve and die for the queen. The welfare of the hive is the main - thing—that of the individual of no account whatever. The ants live - and die on the same general plan. - </p> - <p> - “So I say that the ideal of Williamism is that of the insect. The hive is - the empire. Its main purposes are storage and race perpetuation. Its chief - aim is efficiency. The nation is everything; the individual nothing. The - individual is to work and store and is not even to take the time to cry if - he feels like it. - </p> - <p> - “The hive has only two purposes—storage and race perpetuation. These - purposes are carried out with ruthless and perfect efficiency. The drones - are stung to death as soon as they are discovered. - </p> - <p> - “In Berlin fifty-three per cent, of the workers live with their families - in two rooms. - </p> - <p> - “Now I deny that the main purposes of human life are storage and race - perpetuation and efficiency. If that were true, the man that had the most - cash and wives and children would be the greatest man in the world. - </p> - <p> - “A few years ago a man died in England. He had only a few books and about - five hundred dollars in money. Yet he was called one of the greatest men - in the world. Every one took off his hat to that man because he had <i>Character</i>, - He was Cardinal Newman. - </p> - <p> - “Lincoln died poor and he was about the homeliest, awkwardest man in - America, and yet the whole world mourned for him because he had - accumulated <i>Character.</i> - </p> - <p> - “That is the great thing, and the main purpose of life is to develop - character in <i>individuals</i>. That development comes mostly through - failure. Success is the worst of teachers. - </p> - <p> - “If one were to estimate the greatness of a people he would disregard its - armies and navies and the splendor of its cities and the deposits in its - banks, and go out to that people and appraise the character of its <i>average - man</i>,—his respect for honor and decency and especially his - respect for that great, world embracing unit known as human rights. - </p> - <p> - “Right here I must tell you the story of - </p> - <h3> - THE LEATHERHEAD MONARCH. - </h3> - <p> - “There was once a man who was born successful. He inherited success and - for many years kept it coming his way. Did you ever hear of a man of the - name of Shote? Of course not. Neither did I. That's one reason why I am - going to call him Shote—John Shote, if you please. My story is - strictly true, but I would ask no one to believe the name of its leading - character. - </p> - <p> - “John was a great success. Some people called him a great man. Indeed, - everybody took off his hat and said: 'How do you do, Mr. Shote?' or words - to that effect when he came along. - </p> - <p> - “I suppose you will think that Mr. Shote only nodded and passed on, but he - was not so bad as that. No, he answered: 'Very well, thank you,' and went - about his business. He failed to return your solicitude but did not wonder - at it. - </p> - <p> - “He lived in a neighboring town—let us call it Shoteville—and - was soon, indeed, the principal Shote of Shoteville. The business was - there. It had always prospered. When his father died, John took the crown - and became a swearing, rantankerous tyrant. - </p> - <p> - “He inaugurated a system of efficiency. He trusted nobody. There was an - indicator at the entrance of the big building and every worker great and - small had to touch a button on this indicator when he left or entered the - place. He had a kind of guillotine in the office and every day heads fell - into the basket. But when a man left Mr. Shote it was a point to his - credit in Shoteville. It showed that he was above being sworn at. It was a - kind of recommendation—a thing to boast of. Every one in the shop - was sooner or later called by Mr. Shote “a damn leather head.” It was a - kind of initiation. If he accepted the classification and remained Mr. - Shote decided that he was amenable to discipline and thought him a - promising man. Outsiders looked down upon him. The men who stayed year - after year and endured the insults of Mr. Shote were known in that - community as 'the damn leatherheads.' - </p> - <p> - “Every worker was a wheel or a shaft or a lever in the big machine. When, - worn or broken, he was cast aside. - </p> - <p> - “It will be seen that Mr. Shote was one of the followers of William. In - his office were busts of Julius and Augustus Caesar and portraits of - Napoleon and Frederick the Great. He worshiped power and kicked the common - soldier. - </p> - <p> - “While he was in America, I am glad to say he was not an American—not - really. To be sure he was born here and voted here, but he was really a - Prussian and his shop was a little kingdom in the midst of a democracy. - </p> - <p> - “Mr. Shote really thought himself one of the noblest men that ever lived. - He was a great success even as a thinker. A man can think himself into - anything he pleases from a lobster to a saint. Just where he got off I - leave the reader to judge. - </p> - <p> - “Unfortunately, Mr. Shote believed his own thoughts—all of them. It - is a dangerous habit to acquire—that of believing oneself—believe - me. If there's any one that requires careful corroboration it's yourself. - Mr. Shote could not help believing his own thoughts—they were so - commanding and imperious. - </p> - <p> - “Whatever else we may say of him he was honest, as men go. He paid his - debts promptly and kept his credit high and even gave large sums to - charity. - </p> - <p> - “His great lack was common sense; his great failing an uncontrolled - temper. When you become the pivot around which the whole world revolves - you are apt to get hot and noisy. The world bears down rather hard. So Mr. - Shote squeaked and roared with anger every day of his life. - </p> - <p> - “His great vice was too much efficiency. No man in the plant had any power - of initiative, due to the fact that Mr. Shote had no faith in any one but - himself. The plant proceeded on an iron plan. - </p> - <p> - “Now, every big thing that was ever accomplished has been the work of some - individual who at a critical moment has broken away from plans and made - his own orders and acted on them—the kind of thing that Grant did at - Appomattox; the kind of thing that Lincoln did in his great proclamation. - Bill Hohenzollern would have called it inefficiency. - </p> - <p> - “Just that kind of thing would have saved Mr. Shote in the critical moment - of his career. That moment fell upon him like a thunderbolt out of a dear - sky one day. - </p> - <p> - “If you sow Williamism you are bound to reap it Mr. Shote's lavish crop - ripened suddenly. - </p> - <p> - “The 'Leatherheads' decided one day to meet efficiency with <i>efficiency</i>. - They were right Mr. Shote had been running a little kingdom in America and - the 'Leatherheads' founded one of their own. They had started a union and - appointed an emperor and told him to go ahead and outkaiser the king. They - struck for higher wages and fewer hours. Mr. Shote was away at one of his - palaces in the South. - </p> - <p> - “Now all the trouble might have ended in a decent compromise that day if - the boss of the 'Leatherheads' on duty at the time had had the power and - courage to act on his own judgment and do a really big thing for once in - his life. He didn't have it. The wheels stopped. - </p> - <p> - “The king returned. His irritation was heard in distant places. He would - never yield. His men were no longer 'Leatherheads.' They were inversely - promoted. It was a critical time in the business. The plant went into - default on its contracts. The king stood firm; so did the workers. - </p> - <p> - “The plant was idle for months. It was the beginning of the end of Mr. - Shote's prosperity. His rivals captured his best men and his customers and - most of the good will he had enjoyed. The business went down like a house - of cards. - </p> - <p> - “We often say that business is business here in America. It isn't so. - Business is more, much more than mere business here in America. It is - friendship, it is personality, it is credit—the credit for good - sense and square dealing and high character—a character that is - shared in some measure by every servant of the enterprise, be he manager - or errand boy. - </p> - <p> - “That cohesive power that flows out of a great personality into the whole - structure of a business was not in the warp and woof of Mr. Shote's - commercial ramifications. They came to grief. So did Mr. Shote. - </p> - <p> - “Then we discovered suddenly that Mr. Shote had two wives and two - families. As a husband and a father he had enjoyed a success at once - unusual and unsuspected. A superman is generally super married. He had - acquired imperial morals. The second wife appealed to the courts in a wild - yell for her stopped allowance and the result was that, in a short time, - Mr. Shote stood alone and universally despised between two family fires. - His efficiency had gone too far. - </p> - <p> - “Again I say, success is the worst of teachers—save to those who sit - in the grand stand while it is working out its failure. Unfortunately, it - gave the laboring men of this country a lesson in Williamism which has - spread over America. I wish the workers all success in getting their just - share of the fruits of commerce, but let it be done by fair, democratic - methods and not through Williamism. - </p> - <p> - “Above all no man should hitch his conscience to a post as if it were a - mule or a nanny-goat and go off and leave it. - </p> - <p> - “It is to be hoped that the patriotic Samuel Gompers will not abandon his - pursuit of Williamism even after the war ends. - </p> - <p> - “The big point of the whole thing is this: One day the Leatherhead - Monarch, came into this office, closed the door behind him, sat down - beside me and said: - </p> - <p> - “'Mr. Potter, I see that I have the intellect of an idiot. What shall I do - to be saved?' - </p> - <p> - “At last he had learned something—a really serviceable and important - fact—and he had learned it not by success but by failure.” - </p> - <p> - As he approached his climax, Mr. Potter had shown a little annoyance at - the arrival of the waiter and the hash and the eggs and the pie. Mr. - Potter rose, stood his rifle in a corner and said: - </p> - <p> - “I regret that my climax and this wandering Ganymede with his load of hash - should have arrived at the same moment.” - </p> - <p> - The waiter spread the table in front of the fireplace. Mr. Potter put a - coin in his hand and pointing at the door said: - </p> - <p> - “Go hence and come not back until to-morrow.” - </p> - <p> - He placed chairs by the table and we sat down. - </p> - <p> - “Is this pie, apple, that I see before me the handle toward my hand?” he - playfully remarked, as he lifted a firm built piece of pie in his hand and - began to eat it in the old fashion. “Bread may be the staff of life, but - pie is the light in its windows. I don't want to be hurried by its - invitation, so I guess I'll get it out of the way.” - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER III.—WHICH PRESENTS THE STORY OF THE SMOTHERED SON - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>ur dinner over, - Mr. Potter put a new log on the fire. Then we set the table aside and - lighted our cigars. - </p> - <p> - “There is another sector in the line of the Williamites that is pretty - thoroughly dug in,” said the Honorable Socrates, as he put his feet upon - the fender and leaned back comfortably in his chair. “Let me tell you the - story of - </p> - <h3> - THE SMOTHERED SON. - </h3> - <p> - “She was a Williamistic widow—the relict of the late Samuel Butters. - </p> - <p> - “She was also a Shrimpstone, of Kalamazoo. My friend, why do you sit there - in cold indifference when I mention a fact so inspiring?” - </p> - <p> - “Who were the Shrimpstones?” I inquired. - </p> - <p> - “The Shrimpstones! Jiminy crickets! Is it possible that you are not - familiar with the fame of Joshua Shrimpstone?” - </p> - <p> - “I have to plead guilty,” was my answer. - </p> - <p> - “To tell you the truth, so do I,” he went on, “but my own ignorance never - surprises me. There is so much of it that a little more or less does not - matter. It is the ignorance of so many of my fellow countrymen regarding - this important subject that fills me with pity and astonishment. I have - never met a man who could give me the slightest information regarding the - Shrimpstones. - </p> - <p> - “It would seem that Mrs. Butters enjoys an arrogant and heartless monopoly - of all knowledge about them. One does not feel like asking her to dispel - his ignorance when she speaks the word 'Shrimpstone' as if it opened - vistas of incomparable splendor and inspiration. No, there are things - which even a lawyer can not do. There is a special look in her eye and a - lyrical note in her voice when she says 'my grandfather, the late Joshua - Shrimpstone.' I imagine that Bill Hohenzollern looks like that when he - says: 'My grandfather, Frederick the Great' But I imagine, too, that - Bill's manner is a bit more casual. - </p> - <p> - “I had done some business for Mrs. Butters now and then, and one day she - came to get my advice on a strictly personal matter. Her son, John - Shrimpstone Butters, was just out of college. She had expected Butters - & Bronson, of the great corset factory, in which she had a - considerable interest, to take him into the firm and give him a commanding - position in the office. As they had not come forward with an invitation, - she had asked them for that favor. They had refused—actually and - firmly refused—and what do you think they had offered John—a - great grandson of Joshua Shrimpstone? Why, they had offered him a place as - errand boy at five dollars a week. They actually expected him to begin at - the bottom of the ladder and work his way up as if he were nothing more - than the ambitious son of a ditch digger. Mrs. Butters lost her - self-control and sobbed as she confided the distressing fact to me. - </p> - <p> - “I told her that I would have a talk with Bill Bronson, the head of the - firm, and see what could be done about it, and she left me. - </p> - <p> - “In my talk with him, Bill said: - </p> - <p> - “'We should like to do anything we can for Mrs. Butters's boy but all we - can do is to give him a chance—the same chance that my own boy will - have. He can begin at the bottom and we will push him along from one - department to another as rapidly as he can master its details. He must - learn every process from the making to the delivery of the goods. Above - all, he must learn to be a good salesman. After a few years he might - become the Butters of Butters & Bronson if he were willing to work - hard.' - </p> - <p> - “I wired Mrs. Butters to call again at my office. She called. I told her - what Bill Bronson had said to me. - </p> - <p> - “'What!' she exclaimed. 'He expects my son to become a common drummer and - travel around selling goods to little shopkeepers! Impossible!' - </p> - <p> - “'Why?' I asked. - </p> - <p> - “'Because he does not have to. My grandfather, the late Joshua - Shrimp-stone, left us enough so that we do not have to do that kind of - thing. Besides. I do not think it is necessary. My son has intelligence - enough to learn those menial pursuits without having to do them.' - </p> - <p> - “'You are wrong,' I said. 'The American way is to begin at the bottom. - It's a very good way—the only way by which one may be thoroughly - prepared for management. In that way he gets hold of the sense that is - common in the rank and file of his army, and knowing that, he will know - what to do in every emergency.' - </p> - <p> - “'If that is true, John might as well have been born poor. Does his - position and the fact that I have five thousand shares of stock count for - nothing?' - </p> - <p> - “'Well, you get dividends on the stock. If you expect to get dividends - also on the position that you got from your grandfather you are wrong. In - this country we have no crown princes who begin at the top. Inherited - superiority is an amusing thing to look at but a poor foundation for - credit. In this country we bank on demonstrated superiority.' - </p> - <p> - “Mrs. Butters rose and haughtily withdrew from my office with the pride of - the Shrimpstones glittering in her eye. - </p> - <p> - “Now, John Butters was a good fellow. He was over-mothered. Indeed, the - word for it is smothered. He was like a man cast into the sea with a - Shrimpstone tied around his neck. He would have done well with half a - chance. I never saw a man so badly in need of poverty, so damned with - affectionate, gilded, comfortable female despotism. She bought one - business after another for him and put him in at the top. He has failed in - all these undertakings. His way is littered with broken crowns and the - wreckage of little kingdoms. - </p> - <p> - “Now his youth is gone and he is the same useless, ineffective good fellow - that he was in the beginning. For years he and his mother have been - sitting on that high horse of hers and galloping around to the amusement - of all beholders. He has got tired of it and jumped off and settled down - as the clerk of a wife who takes him lightly. - </p> - <p> - “He is the victim of assumed superiority which is nothing more or less - than Williamism.” - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER IV.—WHICH HANDS OUT SOME SOME COMMON TO THE SUPERERS IN - AMERICA - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he Honorable - Socrates Potter went to the typewriter and got some oil and a cloth and - began to clean the gun of his great grandfather as he talked. - </p> - <p> - “You see, William says: To hell with the common man. Let him do the work - and the fighting. We'll take the product of toil and the loot of war and - enjoy ourselves. We will not have a thing to do but super. If we glut the - officers of the army and our leading citizens with, the product and the - loot, they'll stand by us. - </p> - <p> - “Is it not significant that the number of plutocrats in Germany has - doubled since the war began? William proposes to make human slaughter a - business. He is running a giant butcher shop. - </p> - <p> - “Every idler, every superer is an ally of William and an enemy of - Democracy.” - </p> - <p> - “But they seem to get the best of it—these superers,” I suggested. - “They have a lot of fun.” - </p> - <p> - “They seem to, but, soon or late, they learn it hasn't paid. They come to - grief or insanity—these slackers in the game of life. Let me tell - you the little story of - </p> - <h3> - THE WEDDING TOURIST. - </h3> - <p> - “She had the most curious and painful brainful of sense preferred in the - whole show. - </p> - <p> - “When I was a small boy my pocket was one day dispossessed of some green - apples, a quantity of horse nails and lead sinkers, a squirt gun, a bird's - nest; a piece of beeswax and a hawk's wing. This collection would rank - high as an exhibit of eccentric assets, but the contents of this lady's - mind belongs in the same alcove. - </p> - <p> - “It is to be credited to Alabama where she was born about sixty years - before I met her in Paris last summer. She had a charming southern accent. - It was the best thing she had. I liked it. I like all those little - provincialisms which have the flavor of their native air and soil. Why - shouldn't the manner of decent men and women grow in the way of nature out - of their environment? I love the drawl that is the natural product of New - England, the quaint, indolent slur of Dixieland, the breezy dialect of the - Far West. If they all talked alike what a dull country we should have! - </p> - <p> - “Certain of the schools are trying to force a common method of speech. It - is the dialect of Mayfair and Fifth Avenue. It would seem that they wish - to turn us into human bricks of the same size, grade and color. Under the - encouragement of Mr. Henry James, whose slender Americanism perished at - last in formal expatriation, our New York and New England girls have begun - to talk like Duchesses. But among women of the South and the Far West, you - may still hear the real, genuine American talk. To me it is refreshing. - </p> - <p> - “At least this may be said for The Wedding Tourist—she was no - school-made, rococo Duchess. She was as real and unaffected as a bale of - hay. - </p> - <p> - “Sometimes I call her The Grasshopper Widow because she was always on the - move. She had hopped twice around the world and back. When she needed a - husband she reached out and grabbed one and hastened away on another - wedding tour as if nothing had happened. - </p> - <p> - “To her, life was a series of wedding tours. She had jumped from one - honeymoon to another in the most casual and engaging fashion. She was, - indeed, a kind of professional honey-mooner who from the beginning of her - matrimonial career had enjoyed the pseudonym of Baby. Inns, table d'hôtes, - ruins, art galleries, theaters, scenery and honey-fuglement had filled her - life. - </p> - <p> - “She had explored the capitals of the world with real feminine curiosity. - She had loved their music and doted upon their art and tasted their - religion and rustled in their silks and generally beat the bushes to see - what would run out. - </p> - <p> - “When we first met, a remark of hers suggested my query: - </p> - <p> - “'Was your husband a Yale man?' - </p> - <p> - “'Which one? I've had two an' a half.' - </p> - <p> - “'Two and a half I I never heard of a fractional husband before.' - </p> - <p> - “'My first husband was only half a man, suh. I married my guardian when I - was sixteen. He nevah would do a thing between trips but sit around an' - eat an' drink mint juleps. We went on our wedding tour and I kept him - going for two years, but it was hard work. Nearly wore me out. He was like - one of those toys that you have to wind up before it will go. Always had a - pain in his feet—nevah could dance or do a thing but just sit, or - ride on the cars or in a spring wagon. Lordy, girls! don't evah marry a - man 'til you've tried his feet an' have confidence in 'em. Now, you hear - me! He nevah did do a thing to please me but call me “Baby.” - </p> - <p> - “The next man I married had a sistuh with a weak mind by the name of - Peggy. I had to look after her an' she'd take out her mind, like, an' open - it an' show it to everybody that came into the house, an' turn it inside - out as if she was right proud of it. Honestly, it reminded me of my boy - when he got his first watch—how he'd open it an' show you the works - an' then hold it up to your ear so you could hear it tick. That's what - Peggy was always doing with her mind, recitin' poetry or showin' you - pearls of thought taken out of the clam beds of her intellect. It - certainly was awful! - </p> - <p> - “Tercy Higginbottom had a wooden leg an' limped some, but the worst thing - about him was Peggy. I have erected a monument a mile high to that man in - the graveyard of my memory. He was right good to me. He would stump around - all day lookin' at sights and take me to the theater in the evening and to - supper afterwards and nevah murmured. Sometimes his leg got sore but he - kept up. - </p> - <p> - “'I married him in Paris. We started off on our weddin' tour an' it lasted - about fifteen years. We traveled an' traveled all that time. We played we - was just married and on our honeymoon. - </p> - <p> - “'He used to say: “Baby, what a wonderful time we are having on this - wedding tour.”' - </p> - <p> - “'We had two children—a boy and a girl. Once a year we'd come back - to Paris and spend two or three months with them.' - </p> - <p> - “'You didn't take them with you?' - </p> - <p> - “'We left them with Mr. Higginbottom's mothah an' a nurse an' governess. - Peggy, the sistuh with a weak mind, went with us—she was all the - care we needed. She knew enough to hook an' button my dresses an' help me - pack. She was the only black spot in all those happy years. - </p> - <p> - “'Percy took care o' my jewels. It was all he had to do.' - </p> - <p> - “'A tender husband and a watch dog of the jewels!' I remarked. - </p> - <p> - “'And there were hours when it kept him mighty busy—you hear me. I - can't help laughin' whenever I think of it. - </p> - <p> - “'Once we missed one of my rings. We thought it had been stolen. The hotel - manager had every maid and bell boy brought into our room and searched. - Suddenly Percy found it in a waistcoat pocket. - </p> - <p> - “'One evening we were gettin' off a steamer. Suddenly I slapped my hand on - my breast and yelled: - </p> - <p> - “'"My sunburst! Lord o' mercy! it's gone!”' - </p> - <p> - “'I was suah that I had put it on. We ran back up the gangway. We had only - five minutes. Peggy fainted away—she was that weak-minded. You - didn't dare sneeze for fear she would faint away. Percy grabbed her. I ran - for the stateroom an' found the sunburst where I had left it under my - pillow. We were all in, believe me—it nearly killed us. When we - moved Percy always called the roll like: “The ruby ring,” an' I answered, - “Here.”' - </p> - <p> - “The jade necklace.” - </p> - <p> - “Here.” Like that, until we knew that we had them all. That evening we - didn't have time. - </p> - <p> - “'But we certainly did see the world until we lost something better than - all the jewels. Lordy! Lordy! what a world it is!' - </p> - <p> - “'The boy died when he was eight. We were in Cairo. We hurried back to - Paris. Mr. Higginbottom was nevah the same after that. I nevah could get - him out of Paris again. He died there. - </p> - <p> - “'My next husband was the dearest and best man that evah did live. I met - him here in Paris. His name was Horton. Weighed three hundred and fifty - pounds. Some man! I says to myself: Now here's a man that'll las' me as - long as I live. He drank too much, but I soon cured him o' that. He gave - it up entirely an' our weddin' tour lasted 'til he died.' - </p> - <p> - “'Perhaps it wore him out,' I suggested. - </p> - <p> - “'No, he liked it and we were just as happy as two turtle doves. When I - asked him to do anything, he would always say: “Well, Baby, you know - best.”' - </p> - <p> - “'But he couldn't walk much. Weight was his great weakness. If you were - jus' to think of him as a husband he was a little heavy; but no man is - perfect.' - </p> - <p> - “'We had a big limousine an' he toted me around in that an' hired a maid - to climb stairs an' go to the churches an' theaters an' art galleries with - me.' - </p> - <p> - “'My daughtah had married an' settled in Chicago. One Decembah we thought - it would be nice to go and spend Christmas with her. I just thought I'd - stop beating around and get acquainted with my own family. We left Paris - on the tenth and reached Chicago on the twenty-second. I called my - daughtah on the telephone from our hotel.' - </p> - <p> - “'"My goodness! Is that you?” she said. - </p> - <p> - “'"Yes,” I said, “we have come all the way from Paris to spend Christmas - with you.” - </p> - <p> - “'I'm awfully sorry, mothah,” she says. “The house will be full Christmas - Day, but we'll have you for New Yeah's.” - </p> - <p> - “She stopped and wiped the tears from her eyes. - </p> - <p> - “'Say, I felt as if I had been hit with an axe. My husband said: - </p> - <p> - “'Well, Baby, I guess they don't want us. Don't you mind. We'll have a - good Christinas dinner here at the hotel and then we'll go and spend a - month in New York.” - </p> - <p> - “'I stopped traveling and went to thinking. Poor Mr. Horton didn't live - long. Now he's gone an' I haven't anybody. No, my daughtah does not care - for me. Her ol' nurse lives with her—an ignorant French woman. I - offered to work hard if she would send that nurse away an' take me to live - with her. She wouldn't do it—no, suh! She loves that nurse an' - doesn't care for me—not the snap of her fingah. I have been trying - to get a chance to work for the Red Cross. My money is about gone. They - say money talks but all it evah says to me is “good-by.” My daughtah's - husband has offered me a small allowance, but I will not take their money—no, - suh! One wants affection from her daughtah—not charily! Lordy! what - a world it is an' what fools we are!' - </p> - <p> - “'You've been playing ever since you were a little girl, and you're - tired.' - </p> - <p> - “'Yes, I'm tired. I remember how my big brother used to come an' plague me - an' break my toys. That is what Death has been doing to me. Wouldn't let - me alone. I reckon he saw how foolish I was. I've seen about everything - but I think the grandest sight in the world would be some one who was glad - to see <i>me</i>. You can't make friends an' be always on the move.' - </p> - <p> - “I suppose she had come back to Paris to comb the beach for another wreck. - But her beauty was gone—so was her occupation of Baby. - </p> - <p> - “Often, I wonder just how the story is to end—the story of that - pathetic woman who was reaping what she had sown—the harvest of the - childless mother. - </p> - <p> - “Well, anyhow, at last, common sense had landed in her intellect. She had - never given it a chance before. Hadn't stood still long enough.” - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER V. WHICH DROPS A FEW ROUNDS OF SHRAPNEL ON THE HUNS IN AMERICA - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>r. Potter had got - through with the gun. He rose and went to the wash basin as if intending - to wash his hands. He turned suddenly as if he thought Germany were more - in need of a washing. He strode toward me with a new idea gleaming in his - eye and said: - </p> - <p> - “Darn it, I ain't got time to wash now. These Germans claim that they are - the freest people in the world, and they are right.” - </p> - <p> - He thumped the table with a shut fist as he resumed his talk. - </p> - <p> - “One kind of liberty thrives under the Hohenzollerns: license is the - precise word for it—not liberty—license to eat and drink and - be sorry- -to satisfy the appetites of the flesh. The great crowd will - stand a lot of tampering with its rights if you give it a good time—a - broad privilege of self-indulgence. The Germans were a great people when - Bill Hohenzollern took the reins of power—good-natured, industrious, - God- fearing. The young men were encouraged to found their happiness on - the sands of women, wine and song. - </p> - <p> - “The wine press and the beer vat are the indispensable adjuncts of - Hohenzollerism. Alcohol is the balm of the mislaid conscience, the - nourishment of the big-head and the pneumatic brain. These things lead to - worse things. Swinish indulgence leads to the morals of the swine-yard. - </p> - <p> - “The church began to lose its power. The clergy were treated as Frederick - treated the common soldier. They were kicked into servility. At first this - kicking was politely done. Often the sore part was salved by the gift of a - hundred marks. They were treated like hired men. They were to understand - that they were just humble servants and that the Kaiser needed none of - their advice. He knew all about the plans of God. Of course, in a little - while, no man of brains and character would go near a pulpit. The priests - of God became servile sycophants. The people ceased to respect them. The - church had lost its power. To Germany it was an immeasurable loss. - </p> - <p> - “In France I found good evidence of the utter depravity of the German - soldier. God knows I would not have thought it possible—the raping, - the maiming of children, the daughters of whole communities carried into - bondage. I would have thought that the decency common among dogs, even, in - a Christian country, these days, would have shielded the helpless from - such cruelty. It is evident that the officers gave countenance and - encouragement to these crimes, or they could not have been accomplished. - At the knowledge of these things, a cry of shame for their brothers in - Germany has risen from the lips of all civilized men the world over. - </p> - <p> - “The infamy goes back to the men higher up—to Bill Hohenzollern and - his gang of pirates and highwaymen. They have slain the soul of Germany. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:65%;"> - <img src="images/0101.jpg" alt="0101m " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0101.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - “I am told by men who have lived there that in certain provinces a chaste - woman is a thing unknown. Let us hope this exaggerates the truth. As to - that I have no knowledge. But that the land of the Kaiser has lost its - chivalry I have no doubt whatever. The loss of chivalry stands for the - loss of conscience—for moral degradation. A man's value as a man may - be accurately measured by his respect for women. A man who has no respect - for women will have respect for your rights only because he has to. He - would steal your purse if he dared. He is rotten to the core. Moreover, - unless women are pure there can be no purity because they have the tender - soul of childhood in their keeping. - </p> - <p> - “We ought to establish a moral quarantine here and save ourselves from the - peril of German leprosy. It has arrived. It is spreading. You will find - its symptoms in our theaters, now largely in the hands of the Germans. - </p> - <p> - “I have traveled much these late years and have failed to find an American - city in which there was not one or more plays or moving pictures which - reflected the morals of the swine-yard. There I have found girls and boys - and children who are to make the life of America, drinking at the fountain - of pollution, cleverly designed by the sex maniacs who live in the white - lights of Broadway. On every sort of specious pretext—mostly that of - warning the young—spaniel youths and porcelain-faced daughters of - iniquity are paraded in libidinous enterprises. The cabarets and brothels - of New York, with their fist fights between young women, their desperate, - bull-dog encounters between sex maniacs, their ogling, besotted - degenerates, sometimes with a lame pretense of a moral and sometimes - without it, are shown for the entertainment of young America. - </p> - <p> - “The Huns have already invaded America, my friend. They are armed with - things more deadly than guns and bullets. Their gun is the camera, their - ammunition, the moving picture. That picture penetrates to the heart and - soul of the young and no surgery can remove it. To them, seeing is - believing. - </p> - <p> - “A man is mostly the sum of his memories. Think back and tell me what you - remember of your childhood. It's the pictures you saw. I think the first - thing I remember is the picture of a cat which my mother drew on a slate - for me—a highly benevolent cat it was. The one I have remembered - best is that of my mother standing in the morning sunlight among the - hollyhocks by the open door and waving her handkerchief to me the day I - went away to school. How often it has flashed out of my memory in these - last forty years. There is no power like that of a picture for good or - evil in the life of a child. Pictures are, indeed, the universal language - of childhood. - </p> - <p> - “Now what is there in this special claim of the sex mongers that the truth - about life—however hideous and revolting it may be—would best - be known of all? Just this—it should be made known but not publicly - in books and theaters. It should not be made a familiar thing—sitting - at meat and lying down in bed with the sensitive imagination of the young. - That will be sure to make it the one great truth of life. I prefer the - privacy of home and the loving caution of a mother, taking care to impart - the whole truth with its setting of perils and with no glamour of romance - about it. I would as soon have my daughter's feet enter a brothel as her - brain. She might shake the dust from her feet. - </p> - <p> - “What were the fruits of this home method in old New England? I would - remind these European Americans who provide our amusements for us that the - world has never seen a civilization like that of old New England. I am not - saying that it had no faults, but its human product has justly excited the - wonder and admiration of the world. There was not much of it. You could - pick up those six little states and set them down within the boundaries of - Minnesota and have 19,200 square miles to spare. Yet they gave to the - world in the space of forty years, men of the stamp of Daniel Webster, - Silas Wright, Charles Sumner, William Lloyd Garrison, William M. Evarts, - George F. Edmunds, James G. Blaine, E. J. Phelps, Rufus Choate, Henry Ward - Beecher, Dr. Channing, Lyman Abbott, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Oliver Wendell - Holmes, Henry W. Longfellow, John G. Whittier, James Russell Lowell, - Edmund C. Stedman, the Dwights, the Washburns. - </p> - <p> - “Wouldn't that seem to be doing fairly well? - </p> - <p> - “Now the fact is, men and women long for inspiration to a nobler life. - There are those who will tell you that the crowds who go to hear Billy - Sunday, do it simply to be amused. It is not true. It is a deeper thing. - They go, driven by soul hunger. They long for wholesome food for the - spirit. They wish to be stirred to nobler action and feel the inspiration - of better ideals. They come by tens of thousands. - </p> - <p> - “There never was a clean, uplifting, noble work of fiction that did not - number its readers by the million. There never was a strong inspiring play—like - <i>Peter Pan</i> or <i>Shore Acres</i>—that failed to play to the - full capacity of the house in which it was presented for years. - </p> - <p> - “Why then, ask us to wallow in all uncleanness—in the swine-yard of - humanity? - </p> - <p> - “It is because uncleanness is cheaper and easier to get and is sure of an - audience equally large and less discriminating; it is because these Huns - care only for their own pockets and not a fig for the public good. - </p> - <p> - “Now, here is a work for the women of America. Here is a battle front on - which they can fight the Huns. Men can help and will help, but they are - busy with the more obvious and commonplace problems. This is a job of - housecleaning. It is primarily a woman's job—that of setting in - order the great house of America and looking after the welfare of its - children. There is no greater work to be done than that of regenerating - the theater. They can do it if they will.” - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER VI.—WHICH IS MOSTLY FOR THE BOYS OF OUR ARMY - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he Honorable - Socrates Potter hung up the old rifle and washed his hands. There was a - very gentle look in his eyes as he began pacing the floor. I saw: that - another mood was coming. - </p> - <p> - “We must learn that wealth is no excuse for idleness or pride,” he went - on. “Every one must find his work and do it, or come to grief—that - is the conclusion of the whole matter. We have our European Americans—our - Mislaid Consciences, our Leatherhead Monarchs, our Smothered Sons, our - Shrimpstones, our Wedding Tourists. We must use the slipper with a firm - but kindly hand, and remind them that they are of the Hohenzollern breed - and request them to fall in line and get the pace and spirit of Democracy. - </p> - <p> - “With all our faults we are, in the main, sound and healthy. Our average - man can be relied upon. He is our heart and sinew. We need not boast of - him. He is willing to give all rather than see the spirit of man yield an - inch of the progress it has made. That is enough to say of him. If any - European country can match him, we are glad and he is glad—not - envious. - </p> - <p> - “Our average man would enjoy a drink now and then, but in many of our - states he has said: 'If the good of humanity demands it, let there be - prohibition—anyhow we will give it a trial.' - </p> - <p> - “The trouble with Russia lies in the fact that among its people there are - no individuals—no men trained in the use of the intellect and the - conscience. Its people are like bricks, all of the same shape, size and - color—all two inches wide and six inches long. They have a common - denominator of material and a common numerator of ignorance. Between them - and their rulers there has been no average man to speak for them, so the - people are helpless. They know not what to say or do. They have been - Kerenskyed and Trotskyfied and driven about like cattle. - </p> - <p> - “The Germans have an average man, but he has suffered himself to be - Williamized. His conscience has been mislaid. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:65%;"> - <img src="images/0117.jpg" alt="0117m " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0117.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - “Since 1860 this average man of ours has given of his blood and substance - for the ideals of Democracy and with not the remotest hope of gain. His - God is the father of the whole human family—a God of progress whose - aim is not the selfish enjoyment of a favored few, but the welfare of all - men the world over. His aim is, in short, common sense—a common - sense of honor and decency and brotherhood in the great family. - </p> - <p> - “Again we fight for this ideal—driven to it by the hateful conduct - of our brothers in Germany. - </p> - <p> - “I wish you would say for me to the folks at home that there is a great - opportunity in this big common purpose of ours—an opportunity to - drop all outworn and unessential differences of creed and get together. - Let us inaugurate the Ismless Sunday and cut out the waste—the waste - of rent and interest and coal and light and energy. Let us cut out the - empty seats and the empty preachers and the quarrelsome brothers and - sisters and get together in the biggest meeting-house in town on a basis - of common sense—the common sense of the fatherhood of God and the - brotherhood of man with Christ as the great example. Let us not worry and - quarrel as to whether Christ was God or man. He was the first and greatest - Democrat and would have us work together in peace for Democracy. That is - the important thing. - </p> - <p> - “Tell those ladies who sit around the fireplace knitting sweaters and - indulging in delicious chills of pessimism, to quit. There should be an - asylum for the misery lovers who sit in snug security and dream of - misfortunes—Zeppelin raids, submarine bombardments and the end of - the world. They grab at every straw of pessimism. Nothing pleases them so - much as to find fault with the Government, which is doing its best with a - difficult problem, and mighty well at that. - </p> - <p> - “Tell them to stop shooting at the pianist. He is the only one we have. - All faces to the front! The spirit of Democracy is <i>confidence</i> in - the justice and the success of its cause. Let there be no discordant - voices in our chorus. - </p> - <p> - “That reminds me of the story of - </p> - <h3> - THE CUFFING OF ANN MARIA. - </h3> - <p> - “In the town of my birth there lived a hen-pecked farmer of the name of - Amos Swope. He was a peaceful and contented soul without any good excuse - for it. His wife, Ann Maria, was a scold and a fault finder. She had - pecked upon Amos for years. When she got tired her sister came and helped - her. My father used to say that they reminded him of Philo Scott's pet - crane. Philo used to lead him around with a big cork stuck on the end of - his bill. - </p> - <p> - “'What is that cork on his bill for?' my father asked. - </p> - <p> - “'So's 't he can't peck,' said Philo. - </p> - <p> - “'Can he peck?' - </p> - <p> - “'Tolerable severe, an' when he hits anything he calcallates to put a hole - in it, an' he ain't often disapp'inted. One day my dog, Christmas, tackled - him and the old crane fetched Christmas a peck on the forward an' I ain't - seen that dog since. He's just naturally mean an' he ain't never learnt - how to control himself.' - </p> - <p> - “So it was with Ann Maria and her sister. But Amos used to sit as quiet - and unconcerned as an old tree with a pair of wood-peckers knockin' away - at it. He never pecked back but once. - </p> - <p> - “They had gone up to the St. Lawrence to camp out an' fish for a week or - so—Amos and his boy, Bill, and Ann Maria and her sister. One day - when they were landing a big fish they got into the stiff current above - the Long Sault. Something had to be done right away. Amos dropped his - tackle and began pulling on the oars. Bill went to work with his paddle. - The women began to complain an' move around and rock the boat. They knew - they were going to be drowned. They insisted upon it with loud cries. - Amos, in the midst of heroic efforts, tried to quiet them. They continued - to cry out and when the boat shipped water they dodged. It was a bad - situation. - </p> - <p> - “Amos fetched Ann Maria a cuff and told her to dry up an' sit still. The - women obeyed him. When they were out of danger he said: - </p> - <p> - “'It ain't fair to expect a man to rassle with a strong current an' run an - insane asylum all in the same minute. If ye can't help, don't hinder. You - two have been rockin' the boat for years an' I guess it's about time ye - quit.' - </p> - <p> - “People used to say that Ann Maria turned over a new leaf and behaved - herself proper after that. - </p> - <p> - “There's some folks that are pecking at the country these days. We're in - the current of the Long Sault and Uncle Sam has the oars. We should - remember that if we can't help we mustn't hinder. We can help William a - lot by just yelling and rocking the boat. - </p> - <p> - “I wish you would say to the boys in camp on both sides of the ocean that - I should like to go and share their work and perils. Last autumn I crossed - the French and British lines where hostile shells were bursting—sometimes - uncomfortably near me—and went within ninety feet of the German - trenches. I have tried the perils which our boys will have to suffer, but, - unfortunately, I am too old to fight with them. - </p> - <p> - “It is a great privilege they enjoy—that of going out to battle for - honor and decency and the good of the world. They have entered the great - university of common sense. There is no other like it. What a school is - that comradeship of the camp and the trenches! For the first time in - history the whole civilized world stands shoulder to shoulder.” - </p> - <p> - “Do you think our boys are likely to profit by their experience?” I asked. - </p> - <p> - “It all depends on the boy. - </p> - <p> - “Let me tell you a story just as I heard it from the lips of an American - soldier lad. I would call it: - </p> - <h3> - THE ALL HE LIFE - </h3> - <p> - “He was a big, broad shouldered, brawny man with a rugged manner of - speech. He described himself very well when he said to me: I can think as - pure white as anybody but I want to talk like a he man.' - </p> - <p> - “He had been wounded by a burst of shrapnel and was not badly hurt, - although one side of his face looked as if it had been raked by the claws - of a leopard. He had told me that for a day after the accident he had - heard a sound in his head 'like two skeletons rassling on a tin roof.' - </p> - <p> - “Who but an American soldier in France would talk like that? Indeed I - found that he was from Kansas City and had the mixed dialect of the - midcountry. - </p> - <p> - “'Do you think it makes ye better or worse—this game of war?' I - asked. - </p> - <p> - “'Well, sir, I'd say better,' he answered. 'Ye get things measured up - right, over here. Ye learn how to use yer thinker. Nobody knows what peace - and home and friends are worth 'til they're gone and ye don't know whether - you're ever going to see 'em again or not It ain't a bad thing to live the - all he life a while and see the family in dreams. They look so gol - durnably different. I reckon it's helped me. Maybe I better tell ye a - little story and you'll see what I mean. It'll be a Christmas story. - </p> - <p> - “'We were in the ruined city of Peronne that Christmas Day. My friend and - I were homesick and had tramped across country from the camp of our - engineering corps to send a message to our wives in Kansas City, and to - blow ourselves to a good dinner with a bottle of wine and cigars if money - could buy 'em. We were a little over beaned and tea!—gosh! we were - soaked in it, and that French tobacco reminded me of my father's cure for - the epizootic. We had been gander-dancing on a new railroad for weeks. We - were shovel tired and kind o' man weary. By thunder! we hadn't seen a - woman in three months. - </p> - <p> - “'You who see women every day don't realize that they're a pretty - necessary part of the scenery. Oh, you don't miss 'em for a week or so, - but by and by you begin to find out there's something wrong. Things don't - look right. The hole in the doughnut is too big. You'd be kind o' glad to - hear what somebody said at the Woman's Club, and all about Betsey Baker's - new pink silk, and how shabby that one old dress of your wife's was - getting to be. You'd like to see a set o' skirts come along—I <i>guess.</i> - It would kind o' comfort you. If you didn't have pretty good self-control - you'd get up and wave your hat and holler. - </p> - <p> - “'Then—<i>children</i>—that's another thing you miss. We don't - see 'em on the battle front—ne'er a one! What a hole they make in - the world when you take 'em out of it!—especially if you've got some - of your own. They come to me in my dreams—the wife and babies! I'll - bet ye there's more'n a thousand of 'em crowding into that big camp every - night, about dream-time, and looking for theirs. - </p> - <p> - “'Oh, I wouldn't have ye get the idea that we set and sob and talk mush - and look sorrowful there. If you just grabbed a look at us and went on - you'd say we were no Hamlets. Gosh, no! We play cards and joke and laugh - and tell stories a plenty. You wouldn't get what's down under it all - unless some feller kind o' confessed and turned state's evidence. No, sir—I - don't believe you would. - </p> - <p> - “'I'm just telling ye enough to make ye understand why We went out to - Peronne that Christmas Day and what happened to us there. I speak French - pretty glib—that's another reason why we went. My mother was a - Louisiana French woman. I got it from her when I was a little chap—never - forgot it—and I bossed a gang of Frenchmen for two years. - </p> - <p> - “'We found a man who ran a little grocery shop and restaurant down in one - of the old cellars. He had had a fine big café up-stairs before the German - army swatted the town with dynamite. He was a sad little man who lived - down there in the lamplight with his wife. The Huns had carried their two - daughters away with them. He had cleaned the litter out of his cellars and - repaired their walls and so they had a home and something to do. - </p> - <p> - “'I asked him if he could get up a good dinner for us. - </p> - <p> - “'"Oui, Monsieur,” he answered promptly. “I can get you a fine duck and - celery and preserved strawberries, and I could make a little pastry.” - </p> - <p> - “'"How much for the dinner?” - </p> - <p> - “'"Thirty francs—I can not make it less.” - </p> - <p> - “'"Make it forty and we'll call it a bargain,” I urged. - </p> - <p> - “'You should have seen the smile on his face then. - </p> - <p> - “'"Les Americans! They always talk like that—God be with them!” he - said. “Trust me, Monsieur. I will make you happy.” - </p> - <p> - “'Dinner would be ready in two hours and we went out for a walk and a look - at the waste of ruins. It seemed as if there were miles of them—honestly! - You see they loaded every basement with dynamite and wired the whole place - and then touched the button. Down it came. There isn't a roof standing. We - tramped about looking for relics. It was a pretty day and warm in the - sunlight. - </p> - <p> - “'Suddenly a woman, dressed in black, with a little girl about six years - old—spick and span and pretty as a picture—came along. They - looked like angels to us. Didn't seem so they was exactly human. We stood - watching 'em. - </p> - <p> - “'I reckon I'd have give about a year o' my life for a day's use o' that - kid—honestly. I'd just like to have got down on the ground and - rolled and hollered and tickled and tossed her just as I used to play with - my own kids. My hands itched to get hold of her. We followed along behind - 'em kind o' hankerin' and a wishin'. She was a pretty little thing as ye - ever looked at, with curly hair hanging down on her shoulders and shiny, - silver buckled slippers and white stockin's. I just wanted to frame up - some kind of excuse to speak to 'em, but I suppose they wouldn't have - understood me. - </p> - <p> - “'They stopped and looked around a minute and then the woman opened an - iron gate and they went into one of the old dooryards. When we came along - we saw that the woman was sitting amongst the rubbish and crying. - </p> - <p> - “'"It's her home—dummed if it ain't,” I whispered. - </p> - <p> - “'I reckon 'twas natural for 'em to come back to it on Christmas Day—plumb - natural to come back to where they had been happy once with all the family - around. What a place! You'd think that an earthquake and a cyclone had - gone into partnership for about a minute and done a smashing business. - About half the back wall was standing and there hung a little corner of - the attic floor and the wind had blown the dirt up there and some flowers - and grass all withered by the cold had sprung up in it, and beyond that - was an old baby carriage with a ragged top and a spinning-wheel. - </p> - <p> - “'The little girl didn't seem to notice her mother. She was running around - on the ruins and picking up broken dishes. I reckon that kid had got used - to the crying of men and women. The sight of grief didn't worry her any - more—not a bit. She was flying around like a bird on the ruins. - </p> - <p> - “'We sat down behind some bushes by the iron fence just to see what - happened. - </p> - <p> - “'By and by I heard the little girl call in a voice that kind o' made me - swaller—honest it was as sweet as the first bird song in the spring. - </p> - <p> - “'"Mother! Mother!” she called. - </p> - <p> - “'"What is it—little one!” the mother answered. - </p> - <p> - “'"Dinner's ready.” - </p> - <p> - “Talk about silver bells! Say, mister, never again! Honest, I never heard - a sound like the voice of that kid. It kind o' floored me—sure - thing! Up there at the front we just hear the growling of cannon and the - whinnying of horses and the swearing of men day and night. Maybe that's - why the kid's voice took hold of us that way. I don't know. After I had - heard it I felt as if I could walk to Kansas City. Honest Injun! - </p> - <p> - “'We peeked through the bushes and saw that the little girl had dragged a - board between her and her mother and covered it with broken dishes. Then - she began to chitter-chatter. - </p> - <p> - “'Here's some lovely soup and there's a fine goose and a great bowl full - of the best jelly that ever was and potatoes and celery and spinach and - everything that you like, mother. It's a Christmas dinner you know. Papa - will sit here and Henri will sit there and we are going to have the - grandest time.” - </p> - <p> - “'So the little chatter-box went on—good deal like a fine lady—and - her mother said: - </p> - <p> - “'"Papa! Henri! They are not here! They will eat no more with? us.” - </p> - <p> - “'"Why?” - </p> - <p> - “'“<i>Mort pour la patrie</i>—both of them! my child!” - </p> - <p> - “'"No, mother, they are here. I can see them just as plain! Come, mother, - they are waiting!” - </p> - <p> - “'Oh, by thunder! If I only had a mind like that I said to myself—a - mind that hadn't got so kind of stiff and sore and muscle bound—a - mind that was so clean and supple and that hadn't forgotten how to believe - in the things I do not see. Or do ye suppose that the clear eyes of a kid - can realty see things that we can't? - </p> - <p> - “'"God bless you—nay little saviour! You know how to make me happy—don't - ye?” said the mother with her handkerchief at her eyes. - </p> - <p> - “Then they both sat down there and began to eat that ghostly dinner with - the ghosts of the dead. - </p> - <p> - “'Gosh all hemlock! I just shut my eyes and heard a sound like a wind - blowing in my head. I turned and whispered to my pal.' - </p> - <p> - “'"You stay here. I'll be back right away.”' - </p> - <p> - “Then I sloped on my tiptoes. Went to the cellar and found that man and - brought him with me. I told him to invite them to dinner and that I would - pay for it. I didn't care if it took the last sous marquee in my breeches. - </p> - <p> - “When we got back they were both singing <i>The Marseillaise</i>, that my - mother taught me when I was a kid, as they sat at their Christmas dinner:= - </p> - <p> - ````Amour sacré de la patrie - </p> - <p> - ````Conduis soutiens nos bras vengeurs - </p> - <p> - ````Liberté Liberté cherie, - </p> - <p> - ````Combats avec tes défenseurs!= - </p> - <p> - “They heard us coming and stopped. Can ye beat it? Say, mister, the boches - might as well try to conquer the birds of the air. - </p> - <p> - “The man knew them. They had been well off and respectable folks in - Peronne before the war. Now they were refugees living on charity in a - distant village. - </p> - <p> - “'We gave them a part of our dinner but I do not think they were as happy - in the cellar as they had been with the ghosts. They were very glum but we—well, - ye know, sir, I reckon they helped our Christmas a lot. You bet I do. - </p> - <p> - “'Ye know I had him put three extra plates at oar table—one for Mary - and one for little Kate and one for my roguish boy Bill. Say, I had - learned something from that kid—you bet. It isn't necessary for me - to fall asleep to have 'em with me now. - </p> - <p> - “The eats! Say, Fred Harvey wouldn't be deuce high with that little - Frenchman. - </p> - <p> - “'We had <i>some</i> dinner, don't you doubt it, my friend, and forgot - that there was a war. - </p> - <p> - “'And ye know the funny part of it is this: Mary wrote me of her dream - that she and the kids had dinner with me on Christmas Day.' - </p> - <p> - “I have told you this story because it gives you a day in the life of an - American soldier, with its psychological background and a glimpse of the - fatherless children. If you were one of the boys in khaki I would remind - you that, after all, there is only one great thing in the world—man. - What an extension of human sympathy and understanding is coming to you, my - bright young soldier lad! As it comes it will go out in some measure to - the duller fellows who share your thought and meat and perils. - </p> - <p> - “You will have a wiser brain, a nobler spirit and a stronger body. This - digging and marching and sweating in the open is the best thing that can - happen to you. I often thought that no wiser thing could be done for our - college boys than mobilize them every summer and send them to camp in the - wheat-fields for two or three months of hard work. - </p> - <p> - “What's the matter with an army of peace, with its companies, regiments - and divisions, doing, under military discipline, constructive instead of - destructive work—doing the things that need most to be done, getting - in the harvests or building roads? It might give a part of its time each - day to military training, especially to rifle practise. It would be a - school of Democracy. Its best product would be spirit, its next best - brawn, and last of all the work done. - </p> - <p> - “You will encounter perils in France, my brave lad, and the least of them - will be those of the battle-field. It is when you go to Paris on leave - that I would have you look out for yourself. - </p> - <p> - “I'm not much of a preacher. I am not so foolish as to think that all - wisdom is in the Bible. To speak honestly, I am inclined to think that - there are many things in the Bible which oughtn't to be there. The Kaiser - seems to me to be imitating the sanctified slayers of the Old Testament. - You will find chapters there which read like a report of the German - General Staff after a successful drive. It is there that crazy Bill finds - his warrant for disemboweling so many people and mistreating his - prisoners. That kind of history should be summarily deprived of the odor - of sanctity, in my humble opinion. - </p> - <p> - “But there is one sentence of Scripture that I would have you remember—my - brave, fine fellows who are to fight under this flag of ours. Having lived - some fifty years and been a somewhat careful observer, I would call it the - most impressive sentence ever written. It is full of vital truth. Every - young man ought to read it once a day and think of it as often as he is - tempted. It is from the book of Job and it says: - </p> - <p> - “'His bones are full of the sin of his youth, which shall lie down with - him in the dust.' - </p> - <p> - “Think it over, boys. Think of that word 'bones' which indicates how - deeply it lays hold of you, and of the clause 'which shall lie down with - him in the dust,' which indicates that only death can break its hold. - </p> - <p> - “Don't let the optimistic young doctors fool you. It is a serious matter. - You can get along with the mud and vermin of the trenches. They will only - afflict the outside of you. The main thing is to keep clean inside. Don't - allow your life currents to be polluted. See that you bring bade to your - home a clean body. - </p> - <p> - “You will do this, unless, when you go to Paris or to some other city, on - leave, you fall for that French wine and lose your head in the process. - Let it alone, I beg of you, and remember that your greatest peril is not - on the battle-field. - </p> - <p> - “Do not for a moment lose faith in the issue. 'The cause of Liberty - bequeathed from sire to son, though baffled oft is ever won.' - </p> - <p> - “I have seen how eagerly, how cheerfully the young men at the front give - their lives for something greater than they. It has filled me with wonder. - </p> - <p> - “I have a little farm out here on the hills. It has helped me to - understand the world I live in and especially these boys. How often I have - seen the winds of autumn strip the grove and garden of their loveliness - until nothing was left but dead stalks and bare branches. The captains and - the kings had departed. I have seen them returning—the delicate - green of the new leaves in spring, the grass, the violets, and here are - the familiar sprouts of the poison ivy. I thought that I had tom the last - of it out of the ground last summer, but here it is. - </p> - <p> - “Everything passes away but it returns, and the noxious ivy is the most - persistent returner of all. I am busy fighting it every spring and summer. - </p> - <p> - “So it is with this world of men. Caesar dies, despotism is uprooted, as - we thought, and we discover that they have returned and are busy growing - and spreading their roots. Everything returns if you give it a chance. - Herod has returned and is slaying the male children. Pilate has returned - and is sitting in judgment. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0009" id="linkimage-0009"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:65%;"> - <img src="images/0141.jpg" alt="0141m " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0141.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - “Do you tell me that Jesus Christ will return? Nay, I tell you He has - already returned. He is in the camps and on the battle-fields of France - and Belgium. He is in the hearts of the young men who are dying as He died - to make men free. - </p> - <p> - “So, my young soldier lads of Great Britain, France, Italy and the United - States, I take off my hat and bare my gray head when you march by me, for - I know why you are so brave.” - </p> - <p> - It was near midnight when the country lawyer and I left his office and - headed up the main street of the village toward his home. After a moment - of silence we reached the public square and then he directed my eyes - toward the glowing lamp of Jupiter in the sky. - </p> - <p> - “When you get to wondering at God's neglect of His duty, it's a good idea - to go out and take a look at the stars riding up there in the sunlight,” - he said. “I guess this little world of ours has got to take care of - itself. Kind o' looks to me as if God had enough of His own work to do, - especially when so many of us are loafing. I don't see how we can complain - if we do have to 'tend to our own business. We've been depending a long - time on prayer an' indolence an' good luck while we let the weeds grow in - the garden. I rather guess we'll have to do our own hoein'. Every man to - his hoe! And let's take care that the weeds don't get too far ahead of us - again. - </p> - <p> - “If this planet is to be a safe and decent place to live upon, there - should be an International School Commission agreed as to one main purpose—that - of cultivating good will between the races which inhabit it. Of course, no - power could remove all the lies from history, but I hope that the lies and - also the truth of it could be so put as to rob them of the seed of - bitterness, even against the Germans.” - </p> - <h3> - THE END - </h3> - <div style="height: 6em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Keeping Up with William, by Irving Bacheller - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK KEEPING UP WITH WILLIAM *** - -***** This file should be named 50093-h.htm or 50093-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/0/0/9/50093/ - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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-The Project Gutenberg EBook of Keeping Up with William, by Irving Bacheller
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-to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
-
-
-
-Title: Keeping Up with William
- In which the Honorable Socrates Potter Talks of the Relative
- Merits of Sense Common and Preferred
-
-Author: Irving Bacheller
-
-Illustrator: Gaar Williams
-
-Release Date: September 30, 2015 [EBook #50093]
-Last Updated: March 12, 2018
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: UTF-8
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK KEEPING UP WITH WILLIAM ***
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-Produced by David Widger from page images generously
-provided by the Internet Archive
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-
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-</pre>
- <div style="height: 8em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h1>
- KEEPING UP WITH WILLIAM
- </h1>
- <h4>
- In Which the Honorable Socrates Potter Talks of the Relative Merits of
- Sense Common and Preferred
- </h4>
- <h2>
- By Irving Bacheller
- </h2>
- <h4>
- Author of Keeping Up With Lizzie. The Light In the Clearing, Etc.
- </h4>
- <h3>
- With Cartoons by Gaar Williams
- </h3>
- <h5>
- 1918
- </h5>
- <p>
- <br /> <br /> <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:65%;">
- <img src="images/0008.jpg" alt="0008m " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0008.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:65%;">
- <img src="images/0009.jpg" alt="0009m " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0009.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- TO THE CHILDREN OF FRANCE AND BELGIUM—MADE FATHERLESS BY WILLIAMISM—WHOSE
- WRONGS HAVE ENLISTED THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN AGAINST THE MISLED HOSTS OF
- GERMANY, I DEDICATE THIS BOOK AND THE PROCEEDS OF ITS SALE.
- </p>
- <h3>
- KEEPING UP WITH WILLIAM
- </h3>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <p>
- <b>CONTENTS</b>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I.—WHICH OPENS FIRE ON THE EXACTING
- INDUSTRY OF SUPERING </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II.—WHICH TEACHES THAT ONE SHOULD
- NEVER HITCH HIS CONSCIENCE TO </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III.—WHICH PRESENTS THE STORY OF
- THE SMOTHERED SON </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV.—WHICH HANDS OUT SOME SOME
- COMMON TO THE SUPERERS IN AMERICA </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. WHICH DROPS A FEW ROUNDS OF SHRAPNEL
- ON THE HUNS IN AMERICA </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI.—WHICH IS MOSTLY FOR THE BOYS OF
- OUR ARMY </a>
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER I.—WHICH OPENS FIRE ON THE EXACTING INDUSTRY OF SUPERING
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he new year of
- 1918 was not a month old the day I went up to Connecticut to see the
- Honorable Socrates Potter. I found the famous country lawyer sitting in
- the very same chair from which, seven years ago, he had told me the story
- of keeping up with Lizzie. His feet rested peacefully on a table in front
- of him as he sat reading a law book. Logs were burning in the fireplace. A
- spaniel dog lay dozing on a rug in front of it. What a delightful flavor
- of old times and good tobacco was in that inner office of his—with
- its portraits of Lincoln and his war cabinet, of Silas Wright and Daniel
- Webster and Rufus Choate and Charles Sumner, with its old rifle and powder
- horn hanging above the modest mantel and its cases of worn law books!
- Beyond the closed door were busy clerks and clicking typewriters, for Mr.
- Potter's business had grown to large proportions, but here was peace and
- the atmosphere of deliberation. There was never any haste in this small
- factory of opinions.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Hello! Have you come for another book?” he asked.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Always looking for another book,” I answered. “It's about time that you
- got into this big fight between Democracy and—”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Deviltry,” he interrupted with a stern look. “By thunder I've offered to
- take up the sword but they say I'm too old to fight. I don't believe it.
- My great grandfather fought at Lexington when he was sixty-four.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “You can do more good with some conversation than you could with a sword
- or a gun,” I urged. “I've come up here to touch the button and now you're
- expected to say something for the boys at the front and the folks at home.
- Just turn your search-light on the general situation.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Well, I have quite a stock of shrapnel and liquid fire for the rear line
- of the Germans,” he began. “My searchlight is a modest kind of a lantern
- but we'll see what we can do with it.
- </p>
- <p>
- “This time we'll talk on the subject of keeping up with William.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The other day, in the rooms of the Connecticut Historical Society, I was
- reading the diary of one Abigail Foote written in 1775. This, as I
- remember it, was an average day in her life: Mended mother's hood, set a
- red dye, hetchelled flax with Hannah, spun four pounds of whole wool, spun
- thread for harness twine, worked on a cheese basket, read a sermon of
- Doddridge's, scoured the pewter, milked the cows, carded wool, got supper
- ready, went to bed at nine.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I wish you to note that she went to bed at nine. Do you think that a
- modern girl would knock off at nine? Not at all. She sticks to her task
- until midnight and even longer. Abigail had only to be an ordinary human
- being with nothing to do but work. The modern girl must have the beauty of
- a goddess, the grace of a gazelle, the digestion of an ostrich, the
- endurance of a horse and the remorse of a human being. It is a large
- contract. “We are all familiar with the diary of a modern girl. Its
- average day would be about as follows: Got up. Neck felt like a string on
- a toy balloon. Had some toast and coffee. Had my hair dressed and nails
- manicured. Put a new ribbon on my dog and walked him around the block.
- Went to meeting of the charity committee. Learned that there were many
- people out of work. Went to see the doctor who warned me about overeating
- and late hours. Same old chestnut! Lunched with Mabel. Ate half a pound of
- chocolates and so much cake that the butler had a frightened look. Home
- again. Dressed. Went with mama to a lecture on the insane. Mama woke me at
- five. It was all over. Went to Gladys's tea. Danced half an hour. Home
- again. Dressed. Spent fifteen minutes with papa and my dog. Went with
- Harry and mama to Gwendolyn's party. Danced until midnight. Home at one.
- Nearly frozen. Talk about long hours and poor pay and insufficient
- clothing; this reminds one of the story of Washington's army in the worst
- winter of the revolution.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now, both of these girls toiled.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The one in productive work with the wool and the flax. It was done mostly
- for the comfort of others. The modern girl wears herself out supering. Do
- you know what it means to super? It is to follow the exacting industry of
- being superior.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Superior to what?” I asked.
- </p>
- <p>
- “To productive work,” he went on. “Their toil is all in the service of
- themselves and in pursuit of their own pleasure.
- </p>
- <p>
- “That's what's the matter with this old earth. For many years more than
- half its people have been supering—wasting their time in busy
- idleness—on the high road to deviltry. You don't have to think twice
- to decide that it is about the most dangerous of all crimes, my friend,
- because it is the straight way to all crime. It leads direct to deceit,
- theft, adultery and murder. It kills the sense of brotherhood in the heart
- of man. It kills the spirit of Democracy. The world is being strafed for
- it, in my opinion.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now the center and headquarters of all supering is Prussia—the home
- of the superman—and Bill Hohenzollern, the Godful, is the head and
- front of the whole push.
- </p>
- <p>
- “There are two kinds of superiority—real and assumed. Real
- superiority is largely unconscious of itself. It can never be inherited—there's
- the important fact about it. You will recall that there are only three
- cases on record of a great father begetting a great son. The son is apt to
- have a sense of inherited superiority. It destroys everything worth while
- in him.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Of all the defects that flesh is heir to, a sense of inherited
- superiority is the most deplorable. It is worse than insanity or idiocy or
- curvature of the spine. There are millions of acres of land in Europe
- occupied by nothing but a sense of inherited superiority; there are
- millions of hands and intellects in Europe occupied by nothing but a sense
- of inherited superiority, while billions of wealth have been devoted to
- its service and embellishment. A man who has even a small amount of it
- needs a force of porters and footmen to help him tote it around, and a
- guard to keep watch for fear that some one will grab his superiority and
- run off with it when his back is turned.
- </p>
- <p>
- “A full equipment of inherited superiority, decorated with a title, a
- special dialect, a lot of old armor and university junk, stuck out so that
- there wasn't room for more than one outfit in a township. Most of the
- bloodshed has been caused by the blunders or the hoggishness of inherited
- superiority. It is the nursing bottle of insanity and the Mellin's Food of
- crime.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now hot air has been the favorite dissipation of kings. James the First
- was one of the world's greatest consumers of hot air; enough to put him
- into business with the Almighty. To be sure, it was not a full
- partnership. It was no absolute Hohenzollern monopoly of mortal
- participation.
- </p>
- <p>
- “There are two kinds of sense in men—common and preferred, plain and
- fancy. The common has become the great asset of mankind; the preferred its
- great liability. Our forefathers had large holdings of the common, certain
- kings and their favorites of the preferred. The preferred represented an
- immense bulk of inherited superiority and an alleged pipe line leading
- from the king's throne to Paradise, and connected with the fount of every
- blessing by the best religious plumbers. It always drew dividends, whether
- the common got anything or not. The preferred holders ran the plant and
- insisted that they held a first mortgage on it. When they tried to
- foreclose with military power to back them, some of our forefathers got
- out.
- </p>
- <p>
- “We, their sons, are now crossing the seas to take up that ancient issue
- between sense common and preferred and to determine the rights of each. We
- are fighting for the foundations of Democracy—the dictates of common
- sense.
- </p>
- <p>
- “For the sake of saving time, I hope you will grant me license to resort
- to the economy of slang. A man might do worse these days. There is one
- great destroyer of common sense. It is hot air. I remember how scared of
- it the Yankees used to be. They were most economical with their praise. I
- never heard a word of it in my youth. It came to me after some travel now
- and then—never to my face. They knew the deadly power of it—those
- Yankees.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:65%;">
- <img src="images/0025.jpg" alt="0025m " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0025.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- “Now hot air has been the favorite dissipation of kings. James the First
- was one of the world's' great consumers of hot air. He and his family and
- friends took all that Great Britain could produce—never, I am glad
- to say, a large amount, but enough to put James into business with the
- Almighty. To be sure, it was not a full partnership. It was no absolute
- Hohenzollern monopoly of mortal participation. It was comparatively
- modest, but it was enough to outrage the common sense of the English.
- After all, divine partnerships were not for the land of Fielding and
- Smollett and Swift and Dickens and Thackeray. Too much humor there. Too
- much liberty of the tongue and pen. Too great a gift for ridicule. Where
- there is ridicule there can be no self-appointed counselors of God, and
- handmade halos of divinity find their way to the garbage heap.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now, if we are to have sound common sense, we must have humor, and if we
- are to have humor we must have liberty. There can be no crowned or mitered
- knave, no sacred, fawning idiot, who is immune from ridicule; no little
- tin deities who can safely slash you with a sword unless you give them the
- whole of the sidewalk. Humor would take care of them; not the exuberance
- that is born in the wine-press or the beer-vat—humor is no
- by-product of the brewery—-but the merriment that comes when common
- sense has been vindicated by ridicule.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Solemnity is often wedded to Conceit, and their children have committed
- all the crimes on record. You may always look for the devil in the
- neighborhood of some solemn and conceited ass who has inherited power and
- who, like the one that Balaam rode, speaks for the Almighty. So, when the
- devil came back, he steered for the most solemn and perfect ass on the
- face of the earth—Bill Hohenzollern.
- </p>
- <p>
- “In his soul the devil began to destroy the common sense of a race with
- the atmosphere of hell—hot air. We have seen its effect. It inflates
- the intellect. It produces the pneumatic, rubber brain—the brain
- that keeps its friends busy with the pump of adulation; the brain
- stretched to hold its conceit, out of which we can hear the hot air
- leaking in streams of boastfulness. The divine afflatus of an emperor is
- apt to make as much disturbance as a leaky steam-pipe. When the pumpers
- cease because they are weary, it becomes irritated. Then all hands to the
- pumps again. Soon there is no illusion of grandeur too absurd to be real,
- no indictment of idiotic presumption which it is unwilling to admit.
- </p>
- <p>
- “By and by it breaks into the realm of the infinite and hastens to the
- succor of God, for, to the pneumatic brain, God is slow and old-fashioned.
- Thereafter it infests the heavenly throne and seeks to turn it into a
- plant for the manufacture of improved morals, and, so as to insure their
- popularity, every agent for these morals is to carry a sword and a gun and
- a license to use them. The alleged improvement consists in taking all the
- nots out of the ten commandments. Nots are irritating to certain people
- who have plans for murder, rape, arson, and piracy.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Hohenzollern and Krupp had taken the Lord into partnership and begun to
- give Him lessons in efficiency. Moreover, they were not to be free
- lessons. The lessons were to be paid for, but they were willing to give
- Him easy terms, for which they were to show Him how to hasten the slow
- process of evolution. Evolution was hindered and delayed by sentiment and
- emotion.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Sentiment and emotion were a needless inheritance. Hohenzollern and Krupp
- proposed to cut them out of life and abolish tears. Tears consumed the
- time and strength of the people. They were factors of inefficiency. What
- was the use of crying over spilled milk and dead people? Tears were in the
- nature of a luxury. The poor could not afford them. Life was not going to
- be lived any longer—it was to be conducted. It was to be a kind of a
- hurried Cook's tour. Nobody would have to think or feel. All that would be
- attended to by the proper official. Life was to be reduced to a merciless
- iron plan like that of the beehive—the most perfect example of
- efficiency in nature, with its two purposes of storage and race
- perpetuation.
- </p>
- <p>
- “No one ever saw a bee shedding tears or worrying about the murder of a
- drone.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The ideal of Germany was to be that of the insect. To the bee there is
- nothing in the world but bees, enemies, and the nectar in flowers; to the
- German there was to be nothing in the world but Germans, enemies, and loot
- With no wall of pity and sentiment between them and other races they could
- rain showers of bursting lyddite on the unsuspecting, and after that the
- will of the Kaiser and God would be respected. The firm would prosper. It
- is not the first time that conceit and Kultur have hitched their wagon to
- infinity. It is the old scheme of Nero and Caligula—-the ancient
- dream of the pneumatic prince. He can rule a great nation, but first he
- must fool it. First he must induce his people to part with their common
- sense and take some preferred—a dangerous quality of preferred. This
- he can do in a generation by the systematic use of hot air.
- </p>
- <p>
- “You may think that this endangered the national morals, but do not be
- hasty. The morals were being looked after.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:65%;">
- <img src="images/0035.jpg" alt="0035m " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0035.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- “Every school, every pulpit, every newspaper, every book, became a
- pumping-station for hot air impregnated with the new morals. Poets,
- philosophers, orators, teachers, statesmen, romancers, were summoned to
- the pumps: Rivers of beer and wine flowed into the national abdomen and
- were converted into mental and moral flatulency.
- </p>
- <p>
- “For thirty years Germany had been on a steady dream diet. Every school,
- every pulpit, every newspaper, every book, became a pumping-station for
- hot air impregnated with the new morals. Poets, philosophers, orators,
- teachers, states' men, romancers, were summoned to the pumps.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Morning hate with its coffee and prayers, its hourly self-contentment
- with its toil, its evening superiority with its beer and frankfurters.
- History was falsified, philosophy bribed, religion coerced and corrupted,
- conscience silenced—at first by sophistry, then by the iron hand.
- Hot air was blowing from all sides. It was no gentle breeze. It was a
- simoom, a tornado. No one could stand before it—not even a sturdy
- Liebknecht or an unsullied Harden.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Germany was inebriated with a sense of its mental grandeur and moral
- pulchritude. Now moral pulchritude is like a forest flower. It can not
- stand the fierce glare of publicity; you can not handle it as you would
- handle sausages and dye and fertilizer. Observe how the German military
- party is advertising its moral pulchritude—one hundred per cent,
- pure, blue ribbon, <i>spurlos versenkt</i>, honest-to-God morality!—the
- kind that made hell famous.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I don't blame than at all. How would any one know that they had it if
- they did not advertise it?
- </p>
- <p>
- “It is easy to accept the hot-air treatment for common sense—easy
- even for sober-minded men. The cocaine habit is not more swiftly acquired
- and brings a like sense of comfort and exhilaration. Slowly the Germans
- yielded to its sweet inducement. They began to believe that they were
- supermen—the chosen people; they thanked God that they were not like
- other men. Their first crime was that of grabbing everything in the heaven
- of holy promise. It would appear that those clever Prussians had arranged
- with St. Peter for all the reserved seats—nothing but standing room
- left Heaven was to be a place exclusively for the lovers of frankfurters
- and sauerkraut and Limburger cheese.
- </p>
- <p>
- “God was altogether their God. Of course! Was He not a member of the firm
- of Hohenzollern & Krupp? And, being so, other races were a bore and an
- embarrassment. Would He not gladly be rid of them? Certainly. Other races
- were God's enemies, and therefore German enemies. So it became the right
- and duty of the Germans to reach out and possess the earth and its
- fulness. The day had arrived. There was nothing in the world but Germans
- and enemies and loot.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Their great leader, in their name, had claimed a swinish monopoly of
- God's favor. His was not the contention of James the First, that all true
- kings enjoy divine-right—oh, not at all! Bill had grown rather husky
- and had got his feet in the trough, and was going to crowd the others out
- of it. He was the one and only. And as he crowded, he began to pray, and
- his prayers came out of lips which had confessed robbery and violated good
- faith and inspired deeds of inhuman frightfulness. His prayers were
- therefore nothing more nor less than hot air aimed at the ear of the
- Almighty and carrying with them the flavor of the swine-yard. In all this
- Church and people stood by him. It would seem that the devil had taken
- both unto a high mountain and showed them the kingdoms of the earth and
- their glory, and that they had yielded to his blandishments.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now the thing that has happened to the criminal is this. In one way or
- another, he loses his common sense. He ceases to see things in their just
- relations and proportions. The difference between right and wrong dwindles
- and disappears from his vision. He convinces himself that he has a right
- to at least a part of the property of other people. Often he acquires a
- comic sense of righteousness.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:65%;">
- <img src="images/0045.jpg" alt="0045m " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0045.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- “I have lately been in the devastated regions of northern France. I have
- seen whole cities of no strategic value which the German armies had
- destroyed by dynamite before leaving them to a silence like that of the
- grave—the slow-wrought walls of old cathedrals and public buildings
- tumbled into hopeless ruin; the châteaux, the villas, the little houses of
- the poor, shaken into heaps of moldering rubbish. And I see in it a sign
- of that greater devastation which covers the land of William II—the
- devastation of the spirit of the German people; for where is that moral
- grandeur of which Heine and Goethe and Schiller and Luther were the
- far-heard compelling voices? I tell you it has all been leveled into heaps
- of moldering rubbish—a thousand times more melancholy than any in
- France.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Behold the common sense of Germany become the sense that is common only
- among criminals! The sooner we recognize that, the better. They are really
- burglars in this great house of God we inhabit, seeking to rob it of its
- best possessions—Hindenburglars! In this war we must give them the
- consideration due a burglar, and only that. We must hit them how and where
- we may. We are bound by no nice regard for fair play. We must kill the
- burglar or the burglar will kill us.
- </p>
- <p>
- “When I went away to the battle-front, a friend said to me:
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Try to learn how this incredible thing came about and why it continues.
- That is what every one wishes to know.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “Well, hot air was the cause of it. Now why does it continue? My answer
- is, bone-head—mostly plumed bone-head.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Think of those diplomats who were twenty years in Germany and yet knew
- nothing of what was going on around them and of its implications! You say
- that they did know, and that they warned their peoples? Well, then, you
- may shift the bone-heads on to other shoulders. Think of the diplomatic
- failures that have followed!
- </p>
- <p>
- “I bow my head to the people of England and to the incomparable valor of
- her armies and fleets. My friendly criticism is aimed at the one and only
- point in which she could be said to resemble Germany, viz., in a certain
- limited encouragement of supermen.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now, if the last three years have taught us anything, it is this: the
- superman is going to be unsupered. Considering the high cost of up-keep
- and continuous adulation, he does not pay. He is in the nature of a
- needless tax upon human life and security. His mistakes, even, to use no
- harsher word, have slaughtered more human beings than there are in the
- world. The born gentleman and professional aristocrat, with a hot-air
- receiver on his name, who lives in a tower of inherited superiority and
- looks down at life through hazy distance with a telescope, has and can
- have no common sense. He is a good soldier, he knows the habits of the
- grouse and the stag, he can give an admirable dinner, he understands the
- principles of international law, but when international law turns into
- international anarchy he is not big enough to find the way of common sense
- through the emergency. He has not that intimate knowledge of human nature
- which comes only of a long and close contact with human, beings. Without
- that knowledge he will know no more of what is in the other fellow's mind
- and the bluff that covers it in a critical clash of wits than a baby
- sucking its bottle in a perambulator. He fails, and the cost of his
- failure no man can estimate. He stands discredited. As a public servant he
- is going into disuse and his going vindicates the judgment of our
- forefathers as to like holders of sense preferred.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now is the time when all men must choose between two ideals: Behold the
- common sense of Germany become the sense that is common only among
- criminals! The sooner we recognize that, the better. They are really
- burglars in this great house of God we inhabit, seeking to rob it of its
- best possessions—Hindenburglars! the proud and merciless heart on
- the one hand, that of the humble and contrite heart on the other; between
- the Hun and the Anglo-Saxon, between evil and good. Faced by such an issue
- I declare myself ready to lay all that I have or may have on the old altar
- of our common faith.
- </p>
- <p>
- “My friend, be of good cheer. The God of our Fathers has not been Kaisered
- or Krupped or hurried in the least. There is no danger that Heaven will be
- Teutonized.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The shouting and the tumult dies—The captains and the kings depart—!
- Still stands Thine ancient sacrifice.
- </p>
- <p>
- “An humble and a contrite heart Lord God of hosts, be with us yet.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Lest we forget—lest we forget
- </p>
- <p>
- “Lest we forget the innumerable dead who have nobly died, and the host of
- the living who with a just and common sense and love of honor have sent
- them forth to die. Lest we forget that we and our allies have not been
- above reproach; that there were signs of decadence among us—in the
- growing love of ease and idleness, in the tango dance of literature and
- lust, in the exaltation of pleasure, in a very definite degeneration of
- our moral fiber.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Lest we forget that our spirit is being purified in the furnace of war
- and the shadow of death. Do you remember the protest of those poilus when
- some unclean plays were sent to the battle front for their entertainment?
- </p>
- <p>
- “'We are not pigs'—that was the message they sent back.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Lest we forget that the spirit of man has been lifted up out of the mud
- and dust of the battle lines, out of the body tortured with pain and
- weariness and vermin, out of the close companionship of the dead into high
- association on the bloody altar of liberty and sacrifice.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Lest we forget that the spirit of our own boys shall be thus lifted up,
- and our duty to put our house in order and make it a fit place for them to
- live in when they shall have returned to it from battle-fields swept, as a
- soldier has written, by the cleansing winds of God.”
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER II.—WHICH TEACHES THAT ONE SHOULD NEVER HITCH HIS CONSCIENCE
- TO
- </h2>
- <h3>
- A POST AS IF IT WERE A NANNY-GOAT AND GO OFF AND LEAVE IT
- </h3>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>ruth is a great
- teacher but she often quarrels with the cook,” said Mr. Potter, while
- looking at his watch.
- </p>
- <p>
- He went to the telephone and called his home and presently began to
- address his wife as follows:
- </p>
- <p>
- “Hello, Betsy! Say, don't expect me 'till I come. I'm in trouble. A feller
- came in here and started the war all over again and there's no tellin'
- when it'll end. I do not want an inconclusive peace.”
- </p>
- <p>
- As he hung up the telephone his stenographer came in to say good night.
- Mr. Potter took his old rifle off the wall, dusted It with a desk cloth
- and said:
- </p>
- <p>
- “My great grandfather used that in the battle of Lexington.”
- </p>
- <p>
- He squinted down its long barrel while he gave these instructions to his
- helper.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Joe, send down to The Sign of the Flapjack, née Child's, and order corned
- beef hash and poached eggs and apple pie and coffee for two.”
- </p>
- <p>
- He turned to me and asked:
- </p>
- <p>
- “Any amendments to propose to that ticket?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “None,” I answered.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Then we will consider it elected. Have the table spread here by the fire,
- if you please.”
- </p>
- <p>
- He filled and lighted his pipe, settled down in an easy chair and began
- again, with his gun resting across his knees: “The superors try to square
- themselves by giving to the poor. It doesn't work. Often we do more harm
- than good by giving to the poor. Kindness, sympathy, loving counsel and
- the brotherly hand can accomplish much. But the charily of cold cash is a
- questionable thing. The girl who knits a pair of socks accomplishes a
- larger net result to the good than the one that gives ten pairs to
- charity. The girl who did the knitting really produced something. She had
- made the world better off by one pair of socks. There is no doubt about
- that. The girl who has bought and given away ten pairs has produced
- nothing. She has made the world in general no better off. She is a
- slacker. She is trying to make her money do her work for her.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The time has come when the world in general has to be considered by each
- of us. Civilized humanity has been compacted into a unit. It is threatened
- by famine and tyranny. All the money there is can not save us from these
- perils unless a lot of people get busy who are now doing nothing but eat
- and play. Money has become a very cheap and vulgar thing—almost
- every one has money these days.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The time of the great assessment has come and the Lord God is taking His
- inventory. Everything is being measured and valued; even your usefulness,
- my friend. What are you producing? Is it enough to feed and clothe
- yourself and family, even? Corn and potatoes and wheat and wool are more
- than money these days. If you don't help to produce them, you are, more or
- less, a dead weight.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The idle lands in America ought to get busy. How? The rich men should
- begin to cultivate them. I know one such man who is growing two hundred
- and fifty acres of potatoes in Florida where nothing has grown before, and
- it is estimated his yield will be at least fifty thousand bushels. Now,
- that man is doing a real service to Democracy.
- </p>
- <p>
- “When the monster of war is devouring the fruitfulness of the earth and
- stopping the labor of those who produce it, there is only one remedy. We
- must increase that fruitfulness so that there shall be enough to feed the
- monster and the people at home. If this is to be done, every one must
- work. In such a situation, the idleness of the able-bodied becomes a
- disgrace, and his dinner the food of remorse.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Get busy. I do not mean that we should never play. I do mean that every
- day we should do a fair day's work with our hands and brain for the good
- of the world at large.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The war has established two brotherhoods, my friend—that's the big
- thing about it. A brotherhood of democracy and a brotherhood of slaves.
- </p>
- <p>
- “This brotherhood of slaves has been created by the leprous soul of Bill
- Hohenzollern. He has broken down the will of the average man in Germany
- and established his own in place of it. He has yoked his people with the
- slaves of Turkey and Bulgaria, and with them has overawed the will of the
- Austro-Hungarians, mostly a decent people. The will of the Kaiser has
- spread over middle Europe like a plague. The name of the plague is
- Williamism. We have caught it in America.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “In America!” I exclaimed.
- </p>
- <p>
- “In America,” Mr. Potter went on. “The quarantine officer has been bribed.
- He has left the door open and the plague has come in. The name of that
- officer is Human Conscience. Williamism can make no progress save through
- the carelessness or neglect of the human conscience.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Long ago the German people turned over their consciences to the Kaiser
- and the Bundesrath with a license to use them as they thought best. The
- people said to themselves: 'The Kaiser enjoys the special protection and
- favor of the Lord. He is an intimate friend with a pull. He ought to be
- able to make a more expert use of our consciences than we could ourselves.
- Therefore, we will appoint him our representative and proxy at the Court
- of Heaven. If he and his friends decide, after due consultation with God,
- that we had better violate good faith and break our treaties and seize the
- property of other races and indulge in murder, rape, arson and piracy, we
- will do it. To be sure such action would seem to be wrong, but that is
- only because we are common cattle. We are the best herd of common cattle
- there is, but we are not supermen. The Bundesrath, the Kaiser and God
- ought to know what is right.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now that, in effect, is exactly what they said to themselves. A people
- may prosper and come to no violent trouble under such a plan. But the fact
- is, they are living around the crater of a moral Vesuvius.
- </p>
- <p>
- “For two generations all seemed to be going well with the Germans. William
- I was a fairly decent-minded man. Bismarck was unscrupulous but careful.
- He stepped softly after he had bitten a chunk out of France. He held the
- throne in restraint until William, the Godful, jumped upon it with a wild
- yell of heavenly inspiration that startled the world. He was going to take
- no advice from Mr. Bismarck—not a bit! Right away he appointed
- himself secretary of war and attorney general of the Almighty. No such
- astonishing familiarity with omnipotence had been seen since the time of
- Moses.
- </p>
- <p>
- “There is an ancient legend which says that, when Cæsar invaded Gaul, an
- old bowman of the north, having been captured and brought to the
- headquarters of the great Consul, said:
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Hello, Julius! I am with you.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “It was like Bill Hohenzollern, only Bill didn't say 'Hello, Julius!' The
- whole world stood aghast.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Bismarck stepped down and out. He must have seen what was coming.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now this young lunatic should have been examined and condemned and sent
- to an asylum as a paranoiac. Instead of that, he was given full power and
- allowed to endow and develop a school of bribed historians and lunatic
- philosophers to justify his plans—-Treitschke, Nietzsche, Bernhardi,
- backed by the throne and all the supermaniacs that surrounded it. They
- created the new morality of Williamism in which all human decency was
- disemboweled and God and the devil exchanged crowns. Gosh almighty! It
- seems incredible now that we look back upon it.
- </p>
- <p>
- “From the beginning there has been a flavor of the little tin god about
- these Hohenzollern fellers. Frederick the Great had a menacing rattle of
- self-assertion, like that of a Ford car going to a country picnic. His
- favorite dissipation was kicking soldiers. It was a way he had of
- advertising his superiority.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Macaulay tells us that he needed proximity and not provocation to kick a
- soldier. What a brave Captain he was! Funny, isn't it, how the great
- Captains have managed to take care of themselves. Died on hair mattresses,
- every one of them except two, Gustavus Adolphus and Stonewall Jackson.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The only man who ever insulted me by just shaking my hand was a
- mule-eared Hohenzollern chap known as Prince Heinrich of Prussia. I can
- never forget that you-to-hell air of his as he took my hand as if it was a
- clod of dirt, without even a look at me. I have always been sorry that I
- didn't invite him to the sidewalk.
- </p>
- <p>
- “William II began to strut in the military and hot-air game as soon as he
- ascended the throne, and lost no opportunity to tighten his hold upon the
- consciences of his people.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Let me tell you the story of
- </p>
- <h3>
- THE MISLAID CONSCIENCE.
- </h3>
- <p>
- “I used to know a feller here of the name of Sam Hopkins. He worked for a
- client of mine who ran a lock factory. Sam had been a poor lad—sold
- newspapers on the street night and morning. My client liked him and took
- him over to the big shop and taught him the trade of making locks and paid
- his board until he was able to earn it. Sam became an expert mechanic and
- shoved money into his coffers every Saturday night. By and by he had a
- wife and three children and a comfortable home and a goodly amount of
- spondoolix earning interest. Now for the chance to accomplish all that he
- was indebted to my friend and client.
- </p>
- <p>
- “By and by Sam joined the Trade Union. Nobody could find any fault with
- Sam for uniting with his fellow workers to accomplish any fair and
- reasonable purpose. But Sam had given to the Trade Union exactly what the
- Germans had given to the Kaiser and the Bundesrath. He had, in effect,
- turned his conscience over to the Union, which had full authority to do as
- it thought best with this sacred piece of property. Sam didn't realize
- what he had done until the Union ordered him to strike.
- </p>
- <p>
- “To be sure it was a limited proprietorship over his conscience which Sam
- had given to the Union. He could keep and use it until the Union called
- for it. He had given a kind of note payable in the use of his conscience
- <i>on demand</i>.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Sam had no quarrel with the works—no more quarrel than the Germans
- had with the Belgians—not a bit. He was more than satisfied with his
- wages and his hours and his general treatment His conscience told him that
- his duty was to keep at work. But he discovered suddenly that he had no
- right to the use of his own conscience. He had deeded it, on demand, to
- the Union—lock, stock and barrel. Sam had become a kind of German
- soldier.
- </p>
- <p>
- “War was declared. Some of the faithful servants of the big shop were
- slain. Others were injured; a part of the properly was wrecked. Sam tried
- to do the right thing, but couldn't. He went with the German army.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now, a man's conscience is given to him for his own use—exclusively
- for his own use. There's nothing truer than this: A man's conscience is
- like his tooth-brush—it should have but one proprietor. You can not
- leave it lying around like an old pair of shoes. Your umbrella is not as
- easily lost. It is like your right hand. You can not lay it away—you
- can not lend it, and the more you use it the better it is and the less you
- use it the weaker it is. Either disuse or misuse will injure it and
- possibly deprive you of its service.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now, Sam's conscience got mislaid in the shuffle. He suddenly discovered
- that he hadn't any. I guess it was rather small at best. It was through
- this loss that I came to know about him. He was out of work for seven
- months and got to drinking. Idleness and regret and the loss of friends
- turned him toward the downward path of women, wine and song. He is now in
- a Federal prison for counterfeiting—the victim of Williamism.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now just what had happened to Sam had happened to every man in the German
- army. In that deal with the Kaiser his conscience had got mislaid. He was
- ready to cut off the hands of a child or torture a wounded man or shoot an
- inoffensive civilian. His officers encouraged him to do it and his
- conscience was not on duty. It had been turned over to the Kaiser and the
- Bundesrath. It had got lost in the shuffle.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I have told you that William had made the ideal of Germany that of the
- insect. Let me be sure that you get my meaning.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Have you watched a hive of bees in bright summer weather? Well, you will
- find that the workers wear out their wings in two weeks and die. The hive
- has only two purposes—storage and race perpetuation.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:65%;">
- <img src="images/0065.jpg" alt="0065m " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0065.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- These purposes are carried out with ruthless and perfect efficiency.
- </p>
- <p>
- The drones are stung to death as soon as they are discovered. The worker
- will starve and die for the queen. The welfare of the hive is the main
- thing—that of the individual of no account whatever. The ants live
- and die on the same general plan.
- </p>
- <p>
- “So I say that the ideal of Williamism is that of the insect. The hive is
- the empire. Its main purposes are storage and race perpetuation. Its chief
- aim is efficiency. The nation is everything; the individual nothing. The
- individual is to work and store and is not even to take the time to cry if
- he feels like it.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The hive has only two purposes—storage and race perpetuation. These
- purposes are carried out with ruthless and perfect efficiency. The drones
- are stung to death as soon as they are discovered.
- </p>
- <p>
- “In Berlin fifty-three per cent, of the workers live with their families
- in two rooms.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now I deny that the main purposes of human life are storage and race
- perpetuation and efficiency. If that were true, the man that had the most
- cash and wives and children would be the greatest man in the world.
- </p>
- <p>
- “A few years ago a man died in England. He had only a few books and about
- five hundred dollars in money. Yet he was called one of the greatest men
- in the world. Every one took off his hat to that man because he had <i>Character</i>,
- He was Cardinal Newman.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Lincoln died poor and he was about the homeliest, awkwardest man in
- America, and yet the whole world mourned for him because he had
- accumulated <i>Character.</i>
- </p>
- <p>
- “That is the great thing, and the main purpose of life is to develop
- character in <i>individuals</i>. That development comes mostly through
- failure. Success is the worst of teachers.
- </p>
- <p>
- “If one were to estimate the greatness of a people he would disregard its
- armies and navies and the splendor of its cities and the deposits in its
- banks, and go out to that people and appraise the character of its <i>average
- man</i>,—his respect for honor and decency and especially his
- respect for that great, world embracing unit known as human rights.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Right here I must tell you the story of
- </p>
- <h3>
- THE LEATHERHEAD MONARCH.
- </h3>
- <p>
- “There was once a man who was born successful. He inherited success and
- for many years kept it coming his way. Did you ever hear of a man of the
- name of Shote? Of course not. Neither did I. That's one reason why I am
- going to call him Shote—John Shote, if you please. My story is
- strictly true, but I would ask no one to believe the name of its leading
- character.
- </p>
- <p>
- “John was a great success. Some people called him a great man. Indeed,
- everybody took off his hat and said: 'How do you do, Mr. Shote?' or words
- to that effect when he came along.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I suppose you will think that Mr. Shote only nodded and passed on, but he
- was not so bad as that. No, he answered: 'Very well, thank you,' and went
- about his business. He failed to return your solicitude but did not wonder
- at it.
- </p>
- <p>
- “He lived in a neighboring town—let us call it Shoteville—and
- was soon, indeed, the principal Shote of Shoteville. The business was
- there. It had always prospered. When his father died, John took the crown
- and became a swearing, rantankerous tyrant.
- </p>
- <p>
- “He inaugurated a system of efficiency. He trusted nobody. There was an
- indicator at the entrance of the big building and every worker great and
- small had to touch a button on this indicator when he left or entered the
- place. He had a kind of guillotine in the office and every day heads fell
- into the basket. But when a man left Mr. Shote it was a point to his
- credit in Shoteville. It showed that he was above being sworn at. It was a
- kind of recommendation—a thing to boast of. Every one in the shop
- was sooner or later called by Mr. Shote “a damn leather head.” It was a
- kind of initiation. If he accepted the classification and remained Mr.
- Shote decided that he was amenable to discipline and thought him a
- promising man. Outsiders looked down upon him. The men who stayed year
- after year and endured the insults of Mr. Shote were known in that
- community as 'the damn leatherheads.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “Every worker was a wheel or a shaft or a lever in the big machine. When,
- worn or broken, he was cast aside.
- </p>
- <p>
- “It will be seen that Mr. Shote was one of the followers of William. In
- his office were busts of Julius and Augustus Caesar and portraits of
- Napoleon and Frederick the Great. He worshiped power and kicked the common
- soldier.
- </p>
- <p>
- “While he was in America, I am glad to say he was not an American—not
- really. To be sure he was born here and voted here, but he was really a
- Prussian and his shop was a little kingdom in the midst of a democracy.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Mr. Shote really thought himself one of the noblest men that ever lived.
- He was a great success even as a thinker. A man can think himself into
- anything he pleases from a lobster to a saint. Just where he got off I
- leave the reader to judge.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Unfortunately, Mr. Shote believed his own thoughts—all of them. It
- is a dangerous habit to acquire—that of believing oneself—believe
- me. If there's any one that requires careful corroboration it's yourself.
- Mr. Shote could not help believing his own thoughts—they were so
- commanding and imperious.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Whatever else we may say of him he was honest, as men go. He paid his
- debts promptly and kept his credit high and even gave large sums to
- charity.
- </p>
- <p>
- “His great lack was common sense; his great failing an uncontrolled
- temper. When you become the pivot around which the whole world revolves
- you are apt to get hot and noisy. The world bears down rather hard. So Mr.
- Shote squeaked and roared with anger every day of his life.
- </p>
- <p>
- “His great vice was too much efficiency. No man in the plant had any power
- of initiative, due to the fact that Mr. Shote had no faith in any one but
- himself. The plant proceeded on an iron plan.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now, every big thing that was ever accomplished has been the work of some
- individual who at a critical moment has broken away from plans and made
- his own orders and acted on them—the kind of thing that Grant did at
- Appomattox; the kind of thing that Lincoln did in his great proclamation.
- Bill Hohenzollern would have called it inefficiency.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Just that kind of thing would have saved Mr. Shote in the critical moment
- of his career. That moment fell upon him like a thunderbolt out of a dear
- sky one day.
- </p>
- <p>
- “If you sow Williamism you are bound to reap it Mr. Shote's lavish crop
- ripened suddenly.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The 'Leatherheads' decided one day to meet efficiency with <i>efficiency</i>.
- They were right Mr. Shote had been running a little kingdom in America and
- the 'Leatherheads' founded one of their own. They had started a union and
- appointed an emperor and told him to go ahead and outkaiser the king. They
- struck for higher wages and fewer hours. Mr. Shote was away at one of his
- palaces in the South.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now all the trouble might have ended in a decent compromise that day if
- the boss of the 'Leatherheads' on duty at the time had had the power and
- courage to act on his own judgment and do a really big thing for once in
- his life. He didn't have it. The wheels stopped.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The king returned. His irritation was heard in distant places. He would
- never yield. His men were no longer 'Leatherheads.' They were inversely
- promoted. It was a critical time in the business. The plant went into
- default on its contracts. The king stood firm; so did the workers.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The plant was idle for months. It was the beginning of the end of Mr.
- Shote's prosperity. His rivals captured his best men and his customers and
- most of the good will he had enjoyed. The business went down like a house
- of cards.
- </p>
- <p>
- “We often say that business is business here in America. It isn't so.
- Business is more, much more than mere business here in America. It is
- friendship, it is personality, it is credit—the credit for good
- sense and square dealing and high character—a character that is
- shared in some measure by every servant of the enterprise, be he manager
- or errand boy.
- </p>
- <p>
- “That cohesive power that flows out of a great personality into the whole
- structure of a business was not in the warp and woof of Mr. Shote's
- commercial ramifications. They came to grief. So did Mr. Shote.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Then we discovered suddenly that Mr. Shote had two wives and two
- families. As a husband and a father he had enjoyed a success at once
- unusual and unsuspected. A superman is generally super married. He had
- acquired imperial morals. The second wife appealed to the courts in a wild
- yell for her stopped allowance and the result was that, in a short time,
- Mr. Shote stood alone and universally despised between two family fires.
- His efficiency had gone too far.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Again I say, success is the worst of teachers—save to those who sit
- in the grand stand while it is working out its failure. Unfortunately, it
- gave the laboring men of this country a lesson in Williamism which has
- spread over America. I wish the workers all success in getting their just
- share of the fruits of commerce, but let it be done by fair, democratic
- methods and not through Williamism.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Above all no man should hitch his conscience to a post as if it were a
- mule or a nanny-goat and go off and leave it.
- </p>
- <p>
- “It is to be hoped that the patriotic Samuel Gompers will not abandon his
- pursuit of Williamism even after the war ends.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The big point of the whole thing is this: One day the Leatherhead
- Monarch, came into this office, closed the door behind him, sat down
- beside me and said:
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Mr. Potter, I see that I have the intellect of an idiot. What shall I do
- to be saved?'
- </p>
- <p>
- “At last he had learned something—a really serviceable and important
- fact—and he had learned it not by success but by failure.”
- </p>
- <p>
- As he approached his climax, Mr. Potter had shown a little annoyance at
- the arrival of the waiter and the hash and the eggs and the pie. Mr.
- Potter rose, stood his rifle in a corner and said:
- </p>
- <p>
- “I regret that my climax and this wandering Ganymede with his load of hash
- should have arrived at the same moment.”
- </p>
- <p>
- The waiter spread the table in front of the fireplace. Mr. Potter put a
- coin in his hand and pointing at the door said:
- </p>
- <p>
- “Go hence and come not back until to-morrow.”
- </p>
- <p>
- He placed chairs by the table and we sat down.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Is this pie, apple, that I see before me the handle toward my hand?” he
- playfully remarked, as he lifted a firm built piece of pie in his hand and
- began to eat it in the old fashion. “Bread may be the staff of life, but
- pie is the light in its windows. I don't want to be hurried by its
- invitation, so I guess I'll get it out of the way.”
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER III.—WHICH PRESENTS THE STORY OF THE SMOTHERED SON
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>ur dinner over,
- Mr. Potter put a new log on the fire. Then we set the table aside and
- lighted our cigars.
- </p>
- <p>
- “There is another sector in the line of the Williamites that is pretty
- thoroughly dug in,” said the Honorable Socrates, as he put his feet upon
- the fender and leaned back comfortably in his chair. “Let me tell you the
- story of
- </p>
- <h3>
- THE SMOTHERED SON.
- </h3>
- <p>
- “She was a Williamistic widow—the relict of the late Samuel Butters.
- </p>
- <p>
- “She was also a Shrimpstone, of Kalamazoo. My friend, why do you sit there
- in cold indifference when I mention a fact so inspiring?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Who were the Shrimpstones?” I inquired.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The Shrimpstones! Jiminy crickets! Is it possible that you are not
- familiar with the fame of Joshua Shrimpstone?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I have to plead guilty,” was my answer.
- </p>
- <p>
- “To tell you the truth, so do I,” he went on, “but my own ignorance never
- surprises me. There is so much of it that a little more or less does not
- matter. It is the ignorance of so many of my fellow countrymen regarding
- this important subject that fills me with pity and astonishment. I have
- never met a man who could give me the slightest information regarding the
- Shrimpstones.
- </p>
- <p>
- “It would seem that Mrs. Butters enjoys an arrogant and heartless monopoly
- of all knowledge about them. One does not feel like asking her to dispel
- his ignorance when she speaks the word 'Shrimpstone' as if it opened
- vistas of incomparable splendor and inspiration. No, there are things
- which even a lawyer can not do. There is a special look in her eye and a
- lyrical note in her voice when she says 'my grandfather, the late Joshua
- Shrimpstone.' I imagine that Bill Hohenzollern looks like that when he
- says: 'My grandfather, Frederick the Great' But I imagine, too, that
- Bill's manner is a bit more casual.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I had done some business for Mrs. Butters now and then, and one day she
- came to get my advice on a strictly personal matter. Her son, John
- Shrimpstone Butters, was just out of college. She had expected Butters
- & Bronson, of the great corset factory, in which she had a
- considerable interest, to take him into the firm and give him a commanding
- position in the office. As they had not come forward with an invitation,
- she had asked them for that favor. They had refused—actually and
- firmly refused—and what do you think they had offered John—a
- great grandson of Joshua Shrimpstone? Why, they had offered him a place as
- errand boy at five dollars a week. They actually expected him to begin at
- the bottom of the ladder and work his way up as if he were nothing more
- than the ambitious son of a ditch digger. Mrs. Butters lost her
- self-control and sobbed as she confided the distressing fact to me.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I told her that I would have a talk with Bill Bronson, the head of the
- firm, and see what could be done about it, and she left me.
- </p>
- <p>
- “In my talk with him, Bill said:
- </p>
- <p>
- “'We should like to do anything we can for Mrs. Butters's boy but all we
- can do is to give him a chance—the same chance that my own boy will
- have. He can begin at the bottom and we will push him along from one
- department to another as rapidly as he can master its details. He must
- learn every process from the making to the delivery of the goods. Above
- all, he must learn to be a good salesman. After a few years he might
- become the Butters of Butters & Bronson if he were willing to work
- hard.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “I wired Mrs. Butters to call again at my office. She called. I told her
- what Bill Bronson had said to me.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'What!' she exclaimed. 'He expects my son to become a common drummer and
- travel around selling goods to little shopkeepers! Impossible!'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Why?' I asked.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Because he does not have to. My grandfather, the late Joshua
- Shrimp-stone, left us enough so that we do not have to do that kind of
- thing. Besides. I do not think it is necessary. My son has intelligence
- enough to learn those menial pursuits without having to do them.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'You are wrong,' I said. 'The American way is to begin at the bottom.
- It's a very good way—the only way by which one may be thoroughly
- prepared for management. In that way he gets hold of the sense that is
- common in the rank and file of his army, and knowing that, he will know
- what to do in every emergency.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'If that is true, John might as well have been born poor. Does his
- position and the fact that I have five thousand shares of stock count for
- nothing?'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Well, you get dividends on the stock. If you expect to get dividends
- also on the position that you got from your grandfather you are wrong. In
- this country we have no crown princes who begin at the top. Inherited
- superiority is an amusing thing to look at but a poor foundation for
- credit. In this country we bank on demonstrated superiority.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “Mrs. Butters rose and haughtily withdrew from my office with the pride of
- the Shrimpstones glittering in her eye.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now, John Butters was a good fellow. He was over-mothered. Indeed, the
- word for it is smothered. He was like a man cast into the sea with a
- Shrimpstone tied around his neck. He would have done well with half a
- chance. I never saw a man so badly in need of poverty, so damned with
- affectionate, gilded, comfortable female despotism. She bought one
- business after another for him and put him in at the top. He has failed in
- all these undertakings. His way is littered with broken crowns and the
- wreckage of little kingdoms.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now his youth is gone and he is the same useless, ineffective good fellow
- that he was in the beginning. For years he and his mother have been
- sitting on that high horse of hers and galloping around to the amusement
- of all beholders. He has got tired of it and jumped off and settled down
- as the clerk of a wife who takes him lightly.
- </p>
- <p>
- “He is the victim of assumed superiority which is nothing more or less
- than Williamism.”
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER IV.—WHICH HANDS OUT SOME SOME COMMON TO THE SUPERERS IN
- AMERICA
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he Honorable
- Socrates Potter went to the typewriter and got some oil and a cloth and
- began to clean the gun of his great grandfather as he talked.
- </p>
- <p>
- “You see, William says: To hell with the common man. Let him do the work
- and the fighting. We'll take the product of toil and the loot of war and
- enjoy ourselves. We will not have a thing to do but super. If we glut the
- officers of the army and our leading citizens with, the product and the
- loot, they'll stand by us.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Is it not significant that the number of plutocrats in Germany has
- doubled since the war began? William proposes to make human slaughter a
- business. He is running a giant butcher shop.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Every idler, every superer is an ally of William and an enemy of
- Democracy.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “But they seem to get the best of it—these superers,” I suggested.
- “They have a lot of fun.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “They seem to, but, soon or late, they learn it hasn't paid. They come to
- grief or insanity—these slackers in the game of life. Let me tell
- you the little story of
- </p>
- <h3>
- THE WEDDING TOURIST.
- </h3>
- <p>
- “She had the most curious and painful brainful of sense preferred in the
- whole show.
- </p>
- <p>
- “When I was a small boy my pocket was one day dispossessed of some green
- apples, a quantity of horse nails and lead sinkers, a squirt gun, a bird's
- nest; a piece of beeswax and a hawk's wing. This collection would rank
- high as an exhibit of eccentric assets, but the contents of this lady's
- mind belongs in the same alcove.
- </p>
- <p>
- “It is to be credited to Alabama where she was born about sixty years
- before I met her in Paris last summer. She had a charming southern accent.
- It was the best thing she had. I liked it. I like all those little
- provincialisms which have the flavor of their native air and soil. Why
- shouldn't the manner of decent men and women grow in the way of nature out
- of their environment? I love the drawl that is the natural product of New
- England, the quaint, indolent slur of Dixieland, the breezy dialect of the
- Far West. If they all talked alike what a dull country we should have!
- </p>
- <p>
- “Certain of the schools are trying to force a common method of speech. It
- is the dialect of Mayfair and Fifth Avenue. It would seem that they wish
- to turn us into human bricks of the same size, grade and color. Under the
- encouragement of Mr. Henry James, whose slender Americanism perished at
- last in formal expatriation, our New York and New England girls have begun
- to talk like Duchesses. But among women of the South and the Far West, you
- may still hear the real, genuine American talk. To me it is refreshing.
- </p>
- <p>
- “At least this may be said for The Wedding Tourist—she was no
- school-made, rococo Duchess. She was as real and unaffected as a bale of
- hay.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Sometimes I call her The Grasshopper Widow because she was always on the
- move. She had hopped twice around the world and back. When she needed a
- husband she reached out and grabbed one and hastened away on another
- wedding tour as if nothing had happened.
- </p>
- <p>
- “To her, life was a series of wedding tours. She had jumped from one
- honeymoon to another in the most casual and engaging fashion. She was,
- indeed, a kind of professional honey-mooner who from the beginning of her
- matrimonial career had enjoyed the pseudonym of Baby. Inns, table d'hôtes,
- ruins, art galleries, theaters, scenery and honey-fuglement had filled her
- life.
- </p>
- <p>
- “She had explored the capitals of the world with real feminine curiosity.
- She had loved their music and doted upon their art and tasted their
- religion and rustled in their silks and generally beat the bushes to see
- what would run out.
- </p>
- <p>
- “When we first met, a remark of hers suggested my query:
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Was your husband a Yale man?'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Which one? I've had two an' a half.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Two and a half I I never heard of a fractional husband before.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'My first husband was only half a man, suh. I married my guardian when I
- was sixteen. He nevah would do a thing between trips but sit around an'
- eat an' drink mint juleps. We went on our wedding tour and I kept him
- going for two years, but it was hard work. Nearly wore me out. He was like
- one of those toys that you have to wind up before it will go. Always had a
- pain in his feet—nevah could dance or do a thing but just sit, or
- ride on the cars or in a spring wagon. Lordy, girls! don't evah marry a
- man 'til you've tried his feet an' have confidence in 'em. Now, you hear
- me! He nevah did do a thing to please me but call me “Baby.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “The next man I married had a sistuh with a weak mind by the name of
- Peggy. I had to look after her an' she'd take out her mind, like, an' open
- it an' show it to everybody that came into the house, an' turn it inside
- out as if she was right proud of it. Honestly, it reminded me of my boy
- when he got his first watch—how he'd open it an' show you the works
- an' then hold it up to your ear so you could hear it tick. That's what
- Peggy was always doing with her mind, recitin' poetry or showin' you
- pearls of thought taken out of the clam beds of her intellect. It
- certainly was awful!
- </p>
- <p>
- “Tercy Higginbottom had a wooden leg an' limped some, but the worst thing
- about him was Peggy. I have erected a monument a mile high to that man in
- the graveyard of my memory. He was right good to me. He would stump around
- all day lookin' at sights and take me to the theater in the evening and to
- supper afterwards and nevah murmured. Sometimes his leg got sore but he
- kept up.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'I married him in Paris. We started off on our weddin' tour an' it lasted
- about fifteen years. We traveled an' traveled all that time. We played we
- was just married and on our honeymoon.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'He used to say: “Baby, what a wonderful time we are having on this
- wedding tour.”'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'We had two children—a boy and a girl. Once a year we'd come back
- to Paris and spend two or three months with them.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'You didn't take them with you?'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'We left them with Mr. Higginbottom's mothah an' a nurse an' governess.
- Peggy, the sistuh with a weak mind, went with us—she was all the
- care we needed. She knew enough to hook an' button my dresses an' help me
- pack. She was the only black spot in all those happy years.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Percy took care o' my jewels. It was all he had to do.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'A tender husband and a watch dog of the jewels!' I remarked.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'And there were hours when it kept him mighty busy—you hear me. I
- can't help laughin' whenever I think of it.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Once we missed one of my rings. We thought it had been stolen. The hotel
- manager had every maid and bell boy brought into our room and searched.
- Suddenly Percy found it in a waistcoat pocket.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'One evening we were gettin' off a steamer. Suddenly I slapped my hand on
- my breast and yelled:
- </p>
- <p>
- “'"My sunburst! Lord o' mercy! it's gone!”'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'I was suah that I had put it on. We ran back up the gangway. We had only
- five minutes. Peggy fainted away—she was that weak-minded. You
- didn't dare sneeze for fear she would faint away. Percy grabbed her. I ran
- for the stateroom an' found the sunburst where I had left it under my
- pillow. We were all in, believe me—it nearly killed us. When we
- moved Percy always called the roll like: “The ruby ring,” an' I answered,
- “Here.”'
- </p>
- <p>
- “The jade necklace.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Here.” Like that, until we knew that we had them all. That evening we
- didn't have time.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'But we certainly did see the world until we lost something better than
- all the jewels. Lordy! Lordy! what a world it is!'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'The boy died when he was eight. We were in Cairo. We hurried back to
- Paris. Mr. Higginbottom was nevah the same after that. I nevah could get
- him out of Paris again. He died there.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'My next husband was the dearest and best man that evah did live. I met
- him here in Paris. His name was Horton. Weighed three hundred and fifty
- pounds. Some man! I says to myself: Now here's a man that'll las' me as
- long as I live. He drank too much, but I soon cured him o' that. He gave
- it up entirely an' our weddin' tour lasted 'til he died.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Perhaps it wore him out,' I suggested.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'No, he liked it and we were just as happy as two turtle doves. When I
- asked him to do anything, he would always say: “Well, Baby, you know
- best.”'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'But he couldn't walk much. Weight was his great weakness. If you were
- jus' to think of him as a husband he was a little heavy; but no man is
- perfect.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'We had a big limousine an' he toted me around in that an' hired a maid
- to climb stairs an' go to the churches an' theaters an' art galleries with
- me.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'My daughtah had married an' settled in Chicago. One Decembah we thought
- it would be nice to go and spend Christmas with her. I just thought I'd
- stop beating around and get acquainted with my own family. We left Paris
- on the tenth and reached Chicago on the twenty-second. I called my
- daughtah on the telephone from our hotel.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'"My goodness! Is that you?” she said.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'"Yes,” I said, “we have come all the way from Paris to spend Christmas
- with you.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “'I'm awfully sorry, mothah,” she says. “The house will be full Christmas
- Day, but we'll have you for New Yeah's.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “She stopped and wiped the tears from her eyes.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Say, I felt as if I had been hit with an axe. My husband said:
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Well, Baby, I guess they don't want us. Don't you mind. We'll have a
- good Christinas dinner here at the hotel and then we'll go and spend a
- month in New York.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “'I stopped traveling and went to thinking. Poor Mr. Horton didn't live
- long. Now he's gone an' I haven't anybody. No, my daughtah does not care
- for me. Her ol' nurse lives with her—an ignorant French woman. I
- offered to work hard if she would send that nurse away an' take me to live
- with her. She wouldn't do it—no, suh! She loves that nurse an'
- doesn't care for me—not the snap of her fingah. I have been trying
- to get a chance to work for the Red Cross. My money is about gone. They
- say money talks but all it evah says to me is “good-by.” My daughtah's
- husband has offered me a small allowance, but I will not take their money—no,
- suh! One wants affection from her daughtah—not charily! Lordy! what
- a world it is an' what fools we are!'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'You've been playing ever since you were a little girl, and you're
- tired.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Yes, I'm tired. I remember how my big brother used to come an' plague me
- an' break my toys. That is what Death has been doing to me. Wouldn't let
- me alone. I reckon he saw how foolish I was. I've seen about everything
- but I think the grandest sight in the world would be some one who was glad
- to see <i>me</i>. You can't make friends an' be always on the move.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “I suppose she had come back to Paris to comb the beach for another wreck.
- But her beauty was gone—so was her occupation of Baby.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Often, I wonder just how the story is to end—the story of that
- pathetic woman who was reaping what she had sown—the harvest of the
- childless mother.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Well, anyhow, at last, common sense had landed in her intellect. She had
- never given it a chance before. Hadn't stood still long enough.”
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER V. WHICH DROPS A FEW ROUNDS OF SHRAPNEL ON THE HUNS IN AMERICA
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>r. Potter had got
- through with the gun. He rose and went to the wash basin as if intending
- to wash his hands. He turned suddenly as if he thought Germany were more
- in need of a washing. He strode toward me with a new idea gleaming in his
- eye and said:
- </p>
- <p>
- “Darn it, I ain't got time to wash now. These Germans claim that they are
- the freest people in the world, and they are right.”
- </p>
- <p>
- He thumped the table with a shut fist as he resumed his talk.
- </p>
- <p>
- “One kind of liberty thrives under the Hohenzollerns: license is the
- precise word for it—not liberty—license to eat and drink and
- be sorry- -to satisfy the appetites of the flesh. The great crowd will
- stand a lot of tampering with its rights if you give it a good time—a
- broad privilege of self-indulgence. The Germans were a great people when
- Bill Hohenzollern took the reins of power—good-natured, industrious,
- God- fearing. The young men were encouraged to found their happiness on
- the sands of women, wine and song.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The wine press and the beer vat are the indispensable adjuncts of
- Hohenzollerism. Alcohol is the balm of the mislaid conscience, the
- nourishment of the big-head and the pneumatic brain. These things lead to
- worse things. Swinish indulgence leads to the morals of the swine-yard.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The church began to lose its power. The clergy were treated as Frederick
- treated the common soldier. They were kicked into servility. At first this
- kicking was politely done. Often the sore part was salved by the gift of a
- hundred marks. They were treated like hired men. They were to understand
- that they were just humble servants and that the Kaiser needed none of
- their advice. He knew all about the plans of God. Of course, in a little
- while, no man of brains and character would go near a pulpit. The priests
- of God became servile sycophants. The people ceased to respect them. The
- church had lost its power. To Germany it was an immeasurable loss.
- </p>
- <p>
- “In France I found good evidence of the utter depravity of the German
- soldier. God knows I would not have thought it possible—the raping,
- the maiming of children, the daughters of whole communities carried into
- bondage. I would have thought that the decency common among dogs, even, in
- a Christian country, these days, would have shielded the helpless from
- such cruelty. It is evident that the officers gave countenance and
- encouragement to these crimes, or they could not have been accomplished.
- At the knowledge of these things, a cry of shame for their brothers in
- Germany has risen from the lips of all civilized men the world over.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The infamy goes back to the men higher up—to Bill Hohenzollern and
- his gang of pirates and highwaymen. They have slain the soul of Germany.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:65%;">
- <img src="images/0101.jpg" alt="0101m " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0101.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- “I am told by men who have lived there that in certain provinces a chaste
- woman is a thing unknown. Let us hope this exaggerates the truth. As to
- that I have no knowledge. But that the land of the Kaiser has lost its
- chivalry I have no doubt whatever. The loss of chivalry stands for the
- loss of conscience—for moral degradation. A man's value as a man may
- be accurately measured by his respect for women. A man who has no respect
- for women will have respect for your rights only because he has to. He
- would steal your purse if he dared. He is rotten to the core. Moreover,
- unless women are pure there can be no purity because they have the tender
- soul of childhood in their keeping.
- </p>
- <p>
- “We ought to establish a moral quarantine here and save ourselves from the
- peril of German leprosy. It has arrived. It is spreading. You will find
- its symptoms in our theaters, now largely in the hands of the Germans.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I have traveled much these late years and have failed to find an American
- city in which there was not one or more plays or moving pictures which
- reflected the morals of the swine-yard. There I have found girls and boys
- and children who are to make the life of America, drinking at the fountain
- of pollution, cleverly designed by the sex maniacs who live in the white
- lights of Broadway. On every sort of specious pretext—mostly that of
- warning the young—spaniel youths and porcelain-faced daughters of
- iniquity are paraded in libidinous enterprises. The cabarets and brothels
- of New York, with their fist fights between young women, their desperate,
- bull-dog encounters between sex maniacs, their ogling, besotted
- degenerates, sometimes with a lame pretense of a moral and sometimes
- without it, are shown for the entertainment of young America.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The Huns have already invaded America, my friend. They are armed with
- things more deadly than guns and bullets. Their gun is the camera, their
- ammunition, the moving picture. That picture penetrates to the heart and
- soul of the young and no surgery can remove it. To them, seeing is
- believing.
- </p>
- <p>
- “A man is mostly the sum of his memories. Think back and tell me what you
- remember of your childhood. It's the pictures you saw. I think the first
- thing I remember is the picture of a cat which my mother drew on a slate
- for me—a highly benevolent cat it was. The one I have remembered
- best is that of my mother standing in the morning sunlight among the
- hollyhocks by the open door and waving her handkerchief to me the day I
- went away to school. How often it has flashed out of my memory in these
- last forty years. There is no power like that of a picture for good or
- evil in the life of a child. Pictures are, indeed, the universal language
- of childhood.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now what is there in this special claim of the sex mongers that the truth
- about life—however hideous and revolting it may be—would best
- be known of all? Just this—it should be made known but not publicly
- in books and theaters. It should not be made a familiar thing—sitting
- at meat and lying down in bed with the sensitive imagination of the young.
- That will be sure to make it the one great truth of life. I prefer the
- privacy of home and the loving caution of a mother, taking care to impart
- the whole truth with its setting of perils and with no glamour of romance
- about it. I would as soon have my daughter's feet enter a brothel as her
- brain. She might shake the dust from her feet.
- </p>
- <p>
- “What were the fruits of this home method in old New England? I would
- remind these European Americans who provide our amusements for us that the
- world has never seen a civilization like that of old New England. I am not
- saying that it had no faults, but its human product has justly excited the
- wonder and admiration of the world. There was not much of it. You could
- pick up those six little states and set them down within the boundaries of
- Minnesota and have 19,200 square miles to spare. Yet they gave to the
- world in the space of forty years, men of the stamp of Daniel Webster,
- Silas Wright, Charles Sumner, William Lloyd Garrison, William M. Evarts,
- George F. Edmunds, James G. Blaine, E. J. Phelps, Rufus Choate, Henry Ward
- Beecher, Dr. Channing, Lyman Abbott, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Oliver Wendell
- Holmes, Henry W. Longfellow, John G. Whittier, James Russell Lowell,
- Edmund C. Stedman, the Dwights, the Washburns.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Wouldn't that seem to be doing fairly well?
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now the fact is, men and women long for inspiration to a nobler life.
- There are those who will tell you that the crowds who go to hear Billy
- Sunday, do it simply to be amused. It is not true. It is a deeper thing.
- They go, driven by soul hunger. They long for wholesome food for the
- spirit. They wish to be stirred to nobler action and feel the inspiration
- of better ideals. They come by tens of thousands.
- </p>
- <p>
- “There never was a clean, uplifting, noble work of fiction that did not
- number its readers by the million. There never was a strong inspiring play—like
- <i>Peter Pan</i> or <i>Shore Acres</i>—that failed to play to the
- full capacity of the house in which it was presented for years.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Why then, ask us to wallow in all uncleanness—in the swine-yard of
- humanity?
- </p>
- <p>
- “It is because uncleanness is cheaper and easier to get and is sure of an
- audience equally large and less discriminating; it is because these Huns
- care only for their own pockets and not a fig for the public good.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now, here is a work for the women of America. Here is a battle front on
- which they can fight the Huns. Men can help and will help, but they are
- busy with the more obvious and commonplace problems. This is a job of
- housecleaning. It is primarily a woman's job—that of setting in
- order the great house of America and looking after the welfare of its
- children. There is no greater work to be done than that of regenerating
- the theater. They can do it if they will.”
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER VI.—WHICH IS MOSTLY FOR THE BOYS OF OUR ARMY
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he Honorable
- Socrates Potter hung up the old rifle and washed his hands. There was a
- very gentle look in his eyes as he began pacing the floor. I saw: that
- another mood was coming.
- </p>
- <p>
- “We must learn that wealth is no excuse for idleness or pride,” he went
- on. “Every one must find his work and do it, or come to grief—that
- is the conclusion of the whole matter. We have our European Americans—our
- Mislaid Consciences, our Leatherhead Monarchs, our Smothered Sons, our
- Shrimpstones, our Wedding Tourists. We must use the slipper with a firm
- but kindly hand, and remind them that they are of the Hohenzollern breed
- and request them to fall in line and get the pace and spirit of Democracy.
- </p>
- <p>
- “With all our faults we are, in the main, sound and healthy. Our average
- man can be relied upon. He is our heart and sinew. We need not boast of
- him. He is willing to give all rather than see the spirit of man yield an
- inch of the progress it has made. That is enough to say of him. If any
- European country can match him, we are glad and he is glad—not
- envious.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Our average man would enjoy a drink now and then, but in many of our
- states he has said: 'If the good of humanity demands it, let there be
- prohibition—anyhow we will give it a trial.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “The trouble with Russia lies in the fact that among its people there are
- no individuals—no men trained in the use of the intellect and the
- conscience. Its people are like bricks, all of the same shape, size and
- color—all two inches wide and six inches long. They have a common
- denominator of material and a common numerator of ignorance. Between them
- and their rulers there has been no average man to speak for them, so the
- people are helpless. They know not what to say or do. They have been
- Kerenskyed and Trotskyfied and driven about like cattle.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The Germans have an average man, but he has suffered himself to be
- Williamized. His conscience has been mislaid.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:65%;">
- <img src="images/0117.jpg" alt="0117m " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0117.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- “Since 1860 this average man of ours has given of his blood and substance
- for the ideals of Democracy and with not the remotest hope of gain. His
- God is the father of the whole human family—a God of progress whose
- aim is not the selfish enjoyment of a favored few, but the welfare of all
- men the world over. His aim is, in short, common sense—a common
- sense of honor and decency and brotherhood in the great family.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Again we fight for this ideal—driven to it by the hateful conduct
- of our brothers in Germany.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I wish you would say for me to the folks at home that there is a great
- opportunity in this big common purpose of ours—an opportunity to
- drop all outworn and unessential differences of creed and get together.
- Let us inaugurate the Ismless Sunday and cut out the waste—the waste
- of rent and interest and coal and light and energy. Let us cut out the
- empty seats and the empty preachers and the quarrelsome brothers and
- sisters and get together in the biggest meeting-house in town on a basis
- of common sense—the common sense of the fatherhood of God and the
- brotherhood of man with Christ as the great example. Let us not worry and
- quarrel as to whether Christ was God or man. He was the first and greatest
- Democrat and would have us work together in peace for Democracy. That is
- the important thing.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Tell those ladies who sit around the fireplace knitting sweaters and
- indulging in delicious chills of pessimism, to quit. There should be an
- asylum for the misery lovers who sit in snug security and dream of
- misfortunes—Zeppelin raids, submarine bombardments and the end of
- the world. They grab at every straw of pessimism. Nothing pleases them so
- much as to find fault with the Government, which is doing its best with a
- difficult problem, and mighty well at that.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Tell them to stop shooting at the pianist. He is the only one we have.
- All faces to the front! The spirit of Democracy is <i>confidence</i> in
- the justice and the success of its cause. Let there be no discordant
- voices in our chorus.
- </p>
- <p>
- “That reminds me of the story of
- </p>
- <h3>
- THE CUFFING OF ANN MARIA.
- </h3>
- <p>
- “In the town of my birth there lived a hen-pecked farmer of the name of
- Amos Swope. He was a peaceful and contented soul without any good excuse
- for it. His wife, Ann Maria, was a scold and a fault finder. She had
- pecked upon Amos for years. When she got tired her sister came and helped
- her. My father used to say that they reminded him of Philo Scott's pet
- crane. Philo used to lead him around with a big cork stuck on the end of
- his bill.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'What is that cork on his bill for?' my father asked.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'So's 't he can't peck,' said Philo.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Can he peck?'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Tolerable severe, an' when he hits anything he calcallates to put a hole
- in it, an' he ain't often disapp'inted. One day my dog, Christmas, tackled
- him and the old crane fetched Christmas a peck on the forward an' I ain't
- seen that dog since. He's just naturally mean an' he ain't never learnt
- how to control himself.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “So it was with Ann Maria and her sister. But Amos used to sit as quiet
- and unconcerned as an old tree with a pair of wood-peckers knockin' away
- at it. He never pecked back but once.
- </p>
- <p>
- “They had gone up to the St. Lawrence to camp out an' fish for a week or
- so—Amos and his boy, Bill, and Ann Maria and her sister. One day
- when they were landing a big fish they got into the stiff current above
- the Long Sault. Something had to be done right away. Amos dropped his
- tackle and began pulling on the oars. Bill went to work with his paddle.
- The women began to complain an' move around and rock the boat. They knew
- they were going to be drowned. They insisted upon it with loud cries.
- Amos, in the midst of heroic efforts, tried to quiet them. They continued
- to cry out and when the boat shipped water they dodged. It was a bad
- situation.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Amos fetched Ann Maria a cuff and told her to dry up an' sit still. The
- women obeyed him. When they were out of danger he said:
- </p>
- <p>
- “'It ain't fair to expect a man to rassle with a strong current an' run an
- insane asylum all in the same minute. If ye can't help, don't hinder. You
- two have been rockin' the boat for years an' I guess it's about time ye
- quit.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “People used to say that Ann Maria turned over a new leaf and behaved
- herself proper after that.
- </p>
- <p>
- “There's some folks that are pecking at the country these days. We're in
- the current of the Long Sault and Uncle Sam has the oars. We should
- remember that if we can't help we mustn't hinder. We can help William a
- lot by just yelling and rocking the boat.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I wish you would say to the boys in camp on both sides of the ocean that
- I should like to go and share their work and perils. Last autumn I crossed
- the French and British lines where hostile shells were bursting—sometimes
- uncomfortably near me—and went within ninety feet of the German
- trenches. I have tried the perils which our boys will have to suffer, but,
- unfortunately, I am too old to fight with them.
- </p>
- <p>
- “It is a great privilege they enjoy—that of going out to battle for
- honor and decency and the good of the world. They have entered the great
- university of common sense. There is no other like it. What a school is
- that comradeship of the camp and the trenches! For the first time in
- history the whole civilized world stands shoulder to shoulder.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Do you think our boys are likely to profit by their experience?” I asked.
- </p>
- <p>
- “It all depends on the boy.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Let me tell you a story just as I heard it from the lips of an American
- soldier lad. I would call it:
- </p>
- <h3>
- THE ALL HE LIFE
- </h3>
- <p>
- “He was a big, broad shouldered, brawny man with a rugged manner of
- speech. He described himself very well when he said to me: I can think as
- pure white as anybody but I want to talk like a he man.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “He had been wounded by a burst of shrapnel and was not badly hurt,
- although one side of his face looked as if it had been raked by the claws
- of a leopard. He had told me that for a day after the accident he had
- heard a sound in his head 'like two skeletons rassling on a tin roof.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “Who but an American soldier in France would talk like that? Indeed I
- found that he was from Kansas City and had the mixed dialect of the
- midcountry.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Do you think it makes ye better or worse—this game of war?' I
- asked.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Well, sir, I'd say better,' he answered. 'Ye get things measured up
- right, over here. Ye learn how to use yer thinker. Nobody knows what peace
- and home and friends are worth 'til they're gone and ye don't know whether
- you're ever going to see 'em again or not It ain't a bad thing to live the
- all he life a while and see the family in dreams. They look so gol
- durnably different. I reckon it's helped me. Maybe I better tell ye a
- little story and you'll see what I mean. It'll be a Christmas story.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'We were in the ruined city of Peronne that Christmas Day. My friend and
- I were homesick and had tramped across country from the camp of our
- engineering corps to send a message to our wives in Kansas City, and to
- blow ourselves to a good dinner with a bottle of wine and cigars if money
- could buy 'em. We were a little over beaned and tea!—gosh! we were
- soaked in it, and that French tobacco reminded me of my father's cure for
- the epizootic. We had been gander-dancing on a new railroad for weeks. We
- were shovel tired and kind o' man weary. By thunder! we hadn't seen a
- woman in three months.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'You who see women every day don't realize that they're a pretty
- necessary part of the scenery. Oh, you don't miss 'em for a week or so,
- but by and by you begin to find out there's something wrong. Things don't
- look right. The hole in the doughnut is too big. You'd be kind o' glad to
- hear what somebody said at the Woman's Club, and all about Betsey Baker's
- new pink silk, and how shabby that one old dress of your wife's was
- getting to be. You'd like to see a set o' skirts come along—I <i>guess.</i>
- It would kind o' comfort you. If you didn't have pretty good self-control
- you'd get up and wave your hat and holler.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Then—<i>children</i>—that's another thing you miss. We don't
- see 'em on the battle front—ne'er a one! What a hole they make in
- the world when you take 'em out of it!—especially if you've got some
- of your own. They come to me in my dreams—the wife and babies! I'll
- bet ye there's more'n a thousand of 'em crowding into that big camp every
- night, about dream-time, and looking for theirs.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Oh, I wouldn't have ye get the idea that we set and sob and talk mush
- and look sorrowful there. If you just grabbed a look at us and went on
- you'd say we were no Hamlets. Gosh, no! We play cards and joke and laugh
- and tell stories a plenty. You wouldn't get what's down under it all
- unless some feller kind o' confessed and turned state's evidence. No, sir—I
- don't believe you would.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'I'm just telling ye enough to make ye understand why We went out to
- Peronne that Christmas Day and what happened to us there. I speak French
- pretty glib—that's another reason why we went. My mother was a
- Louisiana French woman. I got it from her when I was a little chap—never
- forgot it—and I bossed a gang of Frenchmen for two years.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'We found a man who ran a little grocery shop and restaurant down in one
- of the old cellars. He had had a fine big café up-stairs before the German
- army swatted the town with dynamite. He was a sad little man who lived
- down there in the lamplight with his wife. The Huns had carried their two
- daughters away with them. He had cleaned the litter out of his cellars and
- repaired their walls and so they had a home and something to do.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'I asked him if he could get up a good dinner for us.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'"Oui, Monsieur,” he answered promptly. “I can get you a fine duck and
- celery and preserved strawberries, and I could make a little pastry.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “'"How much for the dinner?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “'"Thirty francs—I can not make it less.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “'"Make it forty and we'll call it a bargain,” I urged.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'You should have seen the smile on his face then.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'"Les Americans! They always talk like that—God be with them!” he
- said. “Trust me, Monsieur. I will make you happy.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Dinner would be ready in two hours and we went out for a walk and a look
- at the waste of ruins. It seemed as if there were miles of them—honestly!
- You see they loaded every basement with dynamite and wired the whole place
- and then touched the button. Down it came. There isn't a roof standing. We
- tramped about looking for relics. It was a pretty day and warm in the
- sunlight.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Suddenly a woman, dressed in black, with a little girl about six years
- old—spick and span and pretty as a picture—came along. They
- looked like angels to us. Didn't seem so they was exactly human. We stood
- watching 'em.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'I reckon I'd have give about a year o' my life for a day's use o' that
- kid—honestly. I'd just like to have got down on the ground and
- rolled and hollered and tickled and tossed her just as I used to play with
- my own kids. My hands itched to get hold of her. We followed along behind
- 'em kind o' hankerin' and a wishin'. She was a pretty little thing as ye
- ever looked at, with curly hair hanging down on her shoulders and shiny,
- silver buckled slippers and white stockin's. I just wanted to frame up
- some kind of excuse to speak to 'em, but I suppose they wouldn't have
- understood me.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'They stopped and looked around a minute and then the woman opened an
- iron gate and they went into one of the old dooryards. When we came along
- we saw that the woman was sitting amongst the rubbish and crying.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'"It's her home—dummed if it ain't,” I whispered.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'I reckon 'twas natural for 'em to come back to it on Christmas Day—plumb
- natural to come back to where they had been happy once with all the family
- around. What a place! You'd think that an earthquake and a cyclone had
- gone into partnership for about a minute and done a smashing business.
- About half the back wall was standing and there hung a little corner of
- the attic floor and the wind had blown the dirt up there and some flowers
- and grass all withered by the cold had sprung up in it, and beyond that
- was an old baby carriage with a ragged top and a spinning-wheel.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'The little girl didn't seem to notice her mother. She was running around
- on the ruins and picking up broken dishes. I reckon that kid had got used
- to the crying of men and women. The sight of grief didn't worry her any
- more—not a bit. She was flying around like a bird on the ruins.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'We sat down behind some bushes by the iron fence just to see what
- happened.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'By and by I heard the little girl call in a voice that kind o' made me
- swaller—honest it was as sweet as the first bird song in the spring.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'"Mother! Mother!” she called.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'"What is it—little one!” the mother answered.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'"Dinner's ready.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Talk about silver bells! Say, mister, never again! Honest, I never heard
- a sound like the voice of that kid. It kind o' floored me—sure
- thing! Up there at the front we just hear the growling of cannon and the
- whinnying of horses and the swearing of men day and night. Maybe that's
- why the kid's voice took hold of us that way. I don't know. After I had
- heard it I felt as if I could walk to Kansas City. Honest Injun!
- </p>
- <p>
- “'We peeked through the bushes and saw that the little girl had dragged a
- board between her and her mother and covered it with broken dishes. Then
- she began to chitter-chatter.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Here's some lovely soup and there's a fine goose and a great bowl full
- of the best jelly that ever was and potatoes and celery and spinach and
- everything that you like, mother. It's a Christmas dinner you know. Papa
- will sit here and Henri will sit there and we are going to have the
- grandest time.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “'So the little chatter-box went on—good deal like a fine lady—and
- her mother said:
- </p>
- <p>
- “'"Papa! Henri! They are not here! They will eat no more with? us.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “'"Why?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “'“<i>Mort pour la patrie</i>—both of them! my child!”
- </p>
- <p>
- “'"No, mother, they are here. I can see them just as plain! Come, mother,
- they are waiting!”
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Oh, by thunder! If I only had a mind like that I said to myself—a
- mind that hadn't got so kind of stiff and sore and muscle bound—a
- mind that was so clean and supple and that hadn't forgotten how to believe
- in the things I do not see. Or do ye suppose that the clear eyes of a kid
- can realty see things that we can't?
- </p>
- <p>
- “'"God bless you—nay little saviour! You know how to make me happy—don't
- ye?” said the mother with her handkerchief at her eyes.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Then they both sat down there and began to eat that ghostly dinner with
- the ghosts of the dead.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Gosh all hemlock! I just shut my eyes and heard a sound like a wind
- blowing in my head. I turned and whispered to my pal.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “'"You stay here. I'll be back right away.”'
- </p>
- <p>
- “Then I sloped on my tiptoes. Went to the cellar and found that man and
- brought him with me. I told him to invite them to dinner and that I would
- pay for it. I didn't care if it took the last sous marquee in my breeches.
- </p>
- <p>
- “When we got back they were both singing <i>The Marseillaise</i>, that my
- mother taught me when I was a kid, as they sat at their Christmas dinner:=
- </p>
- <p>
- ````Amour sacré de la patrie
- </p>
- <p>
- ````Conduis soutiens nos bras vengeurs
- </p>
- <p>
- ````Liberté Liberté cherie,
- </p>
- <p>
- ````Combats avec tes défenseurs!=
- </p>
- <p>
- “They heard us coming and stopped. Can ye beat it? Say, mister, the boches
- might as well try to conquer the birds of the air.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The man knew them. They had been well off and respectable folks in
- Peronne before the war. Now they were refugees living on charity in a
- distant village.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'We gave them a part of our dinner but I do not think they were as happy
- in the cellar as they had been with the ghosts. They were very glum but we—well,
- ye know, sir, I reckon they helped our Christmas a lot. You bet I do.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Ye know I had him put three extra plates at oar table—one for Mary
- and one for little Kate and one for my roguish boy Bill. Say, I had
- learned something from that kid—you bet. It isn't necessary for me
- to fall asleep to have 'em with me now.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The eats! Say, Fred Harvey wouldn't be deuce high with that little
- Frenchman.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'We had <i>some</i> dinner, don't you doubt it, my friend, and forgot
- that there was a war.
- </p>
- <p>
- “'And ye know the funny part of it is this: Mary wrote me of her dream
- that she and the kids had dinner with me on Christmas Day.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “I have told you this story because it gives you a day in the life of an
- American soldier, with its psychological background and a glimpse of the
- fatherless children. If you were one of the boys in khaki I would remind
- you that, after all, there is only one great thing in the world—man.
- What an extension of human sympathy and understanding is coming to you, my
- bright young soldier lad! As it comes it will go out in some measure to
- the duller fellows who share your thought and meat and perils.
- </p>
- <p>
- “You will have a wiser brain, a nobler spirit and a stronger body. This
- digging and marching and sweating in the open is the best thing that can
- happen to you. I often thought that no wiser thing could be done for our
- college boys than mobilize them every summer and send them to camp in the
- wheat-fields for two or three months of hard work.
- </p>
- <p>
- “What's the matter with an army of peace, with its companies, regiments
- and divisions, doing, under military discipline, constructive instead of
- destructive work—doing the things that need most to be done, getting
- in the harvests or building roads? It might give a part of its time each
- day to military training, especially to rifle practise. It would be a
- school of Democracy. Its best product would be spirit, its next best
- brawn, and last of all the work done.
- </p>
- <p>
- “You will encounter perils in France, my brave lad, and the least of them
- will be those of the battle-field. It is when you go to Paris on leave
- that I would have you look out for yourself.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I'm not much of a preacher. I am not so foolish as to think that all
- wisdom is in the Bible. To speak honestly, I am inclined to think that
- there are many things in the Bible which oughtn't to be there. The Kaiser
- seems to me to be imitating the sanctified slayers of the Old Testament.
- You will find chapters there which read like a report of the German
- General Staff after a successful drive. It is there that crazy Bill finds
- his warrant for disemboweling so many people and mistreating his
- prisoners. That kind of history should be summarily deprived of the odor
- of sanctity, in my humble opinion.
- </p>
- <p>
- “But there is one sentence of Scripture that I would have you remember—my
- brave, fine fellows who are to fight under this flag of ours. Having lived
- some fifty years and been a somewhat careful observer, I would call it the
- most impressive sentence ever written. It is full of vital truth. Every
- young man ought to read it once a day and think of it as often as he is
- tempted. It is from the book of Job and it says:
- </p>
- <p>
- “'His bones are full of the sin of his youth, which shall lie down with
- him in the dust.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “Think it over, boys. Think of that word 'bones' which indicates how
- deeply it lays hold of you, and of the clause 'which shall lie down with
- him in the dust,' which indicates that only death can break its hold.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Don't let the optimistic young doctors fool you. It is a serious matter.
- You can get along with the mud and vermin of the trenches. They will only
- afflict the outside of you. The main thing is to keep clean inside. Don't
- allow your life currents to be polluted. See that you bring bade to your
- home a clean body.
- </p>
- <p>
- “You will do this, unless, when you go to Paris or to some other city, on
- leave, you fall for that French wine and lose your head in the process.
- Let it alone, I beg of you, and remember that your greatest peril is not
- on the battle-field.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Do not for a moment lose faith in the issue. 'The cause of Liberty
- bequeathed from sire to son, though baffled oft is ever won.'
- </p>
- <p>
- “I have seen how eagerly, how cheerfully the young men at the front give
- their lives for something greater than they. It has filled me with wonder.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I have a little farm out here on the hills. It has helped me to
- understand the world I live in and especially these boys. How often I have
- seen the winds of autumn strip the grove and garden of their loveliness
- until nothing was left but dead stalks and bare branches. The captains and
- the kings had departed. I have seen them returning—the delicate
- green of the new leaves in spring, the grass, the violets, and here are
- the familiar sprouts of the poison ivy. I thought that I had tom the last
- of it out of the ground last summer, but here it is.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Everything passes away but it returns, and the noxious ivy is the most
- persistent returner of all. I am busy fighting it every spring and summer.
- </p>
- <p>
- “So it is with this world of men. Caesar dies, despotism is uprooted, as
- we thought, and we discover that they have returned and are busy growing
- and spreading their roots. Everything returns if you give it a chance.
- Herod has returned and is slaying the male children. Pilate has returned
- and is sitting in judgment.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0009" id="linkimage-0009"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:65%;">
- <img src="images/0141.jpg" alt="0141m " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0141.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- “Do you tell me that Jesus Christ will return? Nay, I tell you He has
- already returned. He is in the camps and on the battle-fields of France
- and Belgium. He is in the hearts of the young men who are dying as He died
- to make men free.
- </p>
- <p>
- “So, my young soldier lads of Great Britain, France, Italy and the United
- States, I take off my hat and bare my gray head when you march by me, for
- I know why you are so brave.”
- </p>
- <p>
- It was near midnight when the country lawyer and I left his office and
- headed up the main street of the village toward his home. After a moment
- of silence we reached the public square and then he directed my eyes
- toward the glowing lamp of Jupiter in the sky.
- </p>
- <p>
- “When you get to wondering at God's neglect of His duty, it's a good idea
- to go out and take a look at the stars riding up there in the sunlight,”
- he said. “I guess this little world of ours has got to take care of
- itself. Kind o' looks to me as if God had enough of His own work to do,
- especially when so many of us are loafing. I don't see how we can complain
- if we do have to 'tend to our own business. We've been depending a long
- time on prayer an' indolence an' good luck while we let the weeds grow in
- the garden. I rather guess we'll have to do our own hoein'. Every man to
- his hoe! And let's take care that the weeds don't get too far ahead of us
- again.
- </p>
- <p>
- “If this planet is to be a safe and decent place to live upon, there
- should be an International School Commission agreed as to one main purpose—that
- of cultivating good will between the races which inhabit it. Of course, no
- power could remove all the lies from history, but I hope that the lies and
- also the truth of it could be so put as to rob them of the seed of
- bitterness, even against the Germans.”
- </p>
- <h3>
- THE END
- </h3>
- <div style="height: 6em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
-<pre xml:space="preserve">
-
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