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diff --git a/49728-0.txt b/49728-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9efe8aa --- /dev/null +++ b/49728-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1134 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 49728 *** + +HOW TO SETTLE ACCOUNTS WITH YOUR LAUNDRESS. + +AN ORIGINAL FARCE, IN ONE ACT. + +BY J. STIRLING COYNE. + +_First performed at the Theatre Royal, Adelphi, Monday, July _26, +1847. + + + +Dramatis Personæ + +WHITTINGTON WIDGETTS (A West-end Tailor) Mr. Wright. + +BARNEY TWILL (Widgett's Page and Light Porter) Mr. Ryan. + +JACOB BROWN (A Hairdresser at the Opera) Mr. Munyard. + +POSTMAN Mr. Lindon. + +WAITER Mr. Mitchenson. + +MDLLE. CHERI BOUNCE (An Opera Dancer) Miss E. Harding. + +MARY WHITE (A Young Laundress) Miss Woolgar. + + +TIME OF REPRESENTATION.--Fifty minutes. + + + +COSTUME. + +WHITTINGTON WIDGETTS.--_First dress:_ Blue coat; white vest; gray plaid +trousers. _Second dress:_ Green coat; pink vest. _Third dress:_ Black +coat. + +BARNEY TWILL.--Green page's suit. + +JACOB BROWN.--Puce frock coat; blue vest; nankeen trousers. + +MDLLE. CHERI BOUNCE.--Fashionable silk dress; blue satin visite, +trimmed with lace; pink bonnet. + +MARY WHITE.--_First dress:_ Pink print dress; green shawl; and straw +bonnet. _Second dress:_ Blue blouse; drab leggings; red cravat; and +fancy cap. _Third dress:_ Drab paletot; white vest; and trousers. + + + +STAGE DIRECTIONS. + +EXITS AND ENTRANCES.--R. means _Right;_ L. _Left;_ D. F. _Door in +Flat;_ R. D. _Right Door; _L. D. _Left Door;_ S. E. _Second Entrance;_ +U. E. _Upper Entrance;_ M. D. _Middle Door;_ L. U. E. _Left Upper +Entrance;_ R. U. E. _Right Upper Entrance;_ L. S. E. _Left Second +Entrance;_ P. S. _Prompt Side;_ O. P. _Opposite Prompt._ + +RELATIVE POSITIONS.--R. means _Right;_ L. _Left;_ C. _Centre;_ R. C. +_Right of Centre;_ L. C. _Left of Centre._ + + R. RC. C. LC. L. + +*** _The Reader is supposed to be on the Stage, facing the Audience._ + + + + +HOW TO SETTLE ACCOUNTS WITH YOUR LAUNDRESS. + +SCENE.--_A Tailor's Show-room, Jermyn-street, handsomely fitted up +with cheval glass, large round table in centre, fashionable chairs, +&c. A dummy figure, dressed in the extreme mode, near window. Articles +of gentlemen's attire exhibited in window, L. U. E. Door of entrance +to street, L. S. E. Fireplace and chimney-glass, R. E. Door to +Widgetts' chamber, R. S. E. Large pair of folding-doors, C. F., +opening towards the stage; beyond these doors, a passage to the +kitchen, in which stands a stillion, with a water-butt standing on it. +At the end of this passage, the door of the kitchen. A round table, +C., with writing materials and lighted candle upon it. A print of the +fashions and tailor's patterns cut in brown paper on the wall. Table +at back, L., on which is a table lamp. Another table at back, R., on +which is a bottle of brandy and glasses. TWILL discovered brushing the +coat on the dummy figure, and singing a verse of an Irish song. A +postman's knock at door, L._ + +TWILL. Whist! I'll bet a pinny that's the post. + +(_Runs to door and opens it._) + +_POSTMAN appears._ + +POST. Mr. Widgetts! + +(_Gives letter to Twill._) + +TWILL. Thank you, sir. Maybe you've got a bit of a letter for me, from +my poor mother in Ireland? I'm not particular--the first that comes to +hand in the bundle will do. + +POST. No, I haven't one for you. + +TWILL. Thank you, sir. Maybe you'd have one the next time. Good-bye, +sir. + +[_Postman goes away. Twill, reading the address on the letter._ + +"Whittington Widgetts, Esquire." Ow wow! Esquire! the devil a ha'porth +less. "Whittington Widgetts, Esquire, Hierokosma, Jarmyn Street." +Hierokosma! That's French for a tailor's shop. By the Attorney-General +'twould give a man a headache in his elbow to write such a cramp word. +(_Smells the letter._) Why then it smells elegant intirely. (_Goes to +door, R., and enters while speaking._) Mr. Widgetts, here's a letter +for you, sir. + +(_Returns immediately from the room, re-commences his song, and begins +to brush the figure again. A church clock in the neighbourhood strikes +eight._) + +WID. Twill! + +(_Speaking from the door of chamber, R._) + +TWILL. There, listen to that row. That master of mine will persist in +calling me Twill, though he knows my name is Barney Toole, because +Twill, he says, is genteeler. + +WID. What o'clock is that, Twill? + +TWILL. Eight o'clock, sir. + +WID. Put up the shutters. + +TWILL. What the devil can he mean? We never shut until nine o'clock. + +_Enter WIDGETTS from chamber, R., kissing a note which he holds._ + +WID. Well, don't you hear me? Put up the shutters and close the +establishment, directly. + +TWILL. Of coorse, sir. Never say it twice. + +(_Twill runs out by door, L., and is seen putting up the window +shutters outside._) + +WID. This night I devote to the tender union of love and lobsters. The +adorable Ma'amselle Cheri Bounce, the ballet dancer, at last consents +to partake a little quiet supper with me here this evening. I must +read her charming note once more. (_Reads._) "Ma'amselle Cheri Bounce +presents compliments to Mr. Whittington Widgetts, will feel happy to +sup with Mr. W. W. this evening. Ma'amselle C. B. fears that female +notions don't correspond with supping with a single gent, but lobsters +is stronger than prudence, therefore trusts to indulgence; at nine +o'clock precise. P.S.--I'll come in my blue visite and my native +innocence, and hopes you'll treat them with proper delicacy." +Glorious! Angelic creature! (_Kisses the letter and puts it in his +waistcoat pocket._) Oh! Widgetts, you lucky rascal, to have the +happiness of a private and confidential supper with that magnificent +girl, whose image has never left my mind since the evening I danced +with her at the Casino. (_Calls._) Twill! + +TWILL. (_entering from door, L._) Sir? + +WID. You must run directly to the tavern, over the way, and order them +to send a roast fowl and lobster, in the shell, here, at nine o'clock. + +TWILL. Roast fowl, sir? + +WID. And lobster. He--hem! I expect a particular party to sup with me. + +TWILL. Coorse you'll want cigars, sir? + +WID. No. The party, Twill, is a lady and don't smoke. + +TWILL. A lady! Tare my agers, sir. Does the lady bring the lady's maid +with her? + +WID. Don't be impertinent, Twill, but listen to me. The party I expect +is Ma'amselle Cheri Bounce, a splendid creature, who dances on a +limited income, with the strictest regard to propriety, at the Opera +House, and gives lessons to private pupils in the _pokar_ and the +waltz _ah do tongs_. + +TWILL. Whoo! She must be a switcher. (_Going._) I'll run directly, +sir. + +WID. Stay! I must make myself attractive for the interesting occasion. +Give me the coat that has just been finished for Sir Chippin Porrage, +and the waistcoat that's to be sent home to-morrow morning for the +Honourable Cecil Harrowgate's wedding. (_Twill hands a dress coat and +waistcoat from the table, L._) I'll give them an air of gentility by +wearing them this evening. That will do. There, be off now. + +TWILL. Ha, ha! By the powers o' war, when you get them on your back, +sir, you'll be like Mulligan's dog, your own father wouldn't know you. + +_Widgetts carries the coat and waistcoat into his bed-room, R., Twill +is going towards door, L., when MARY WHITE, the laundress, enters, +carrying a basket of clothes under her arm._ + +MARY. Here, Twill, take my basket, good chap. Is master at home? + +TWILL. (_Takes basket._) Yes, he _is_ at home. (_Aside._) Take my +basket, good chap. Well, there's no bearing the impudence of the lower +orders. (_Sets down basket, R., and calls at door, R._) Please, sir, +here's the laundress come for your clothes. (_Crosses to door, L. +Aside._) Good chap! + +[_Exit, R._ + +WID. (_entering, R., aside._) She always comes at an awkward crisis. +(_Mary takes off her shawl and sits, L._) Mary, my dear, you're rather +late this evening. + +MARY. Oh dear, yes! I've been half over the town for my customers' +washing, and I'm almost tired to death, but I left yours for last, +that we might have a comfortable chat together. Stop a minute though +till I take off my clogs. + +[_She goes into the kitchen passing through the folding-doors._ + +WID. (_Apart._) The poor creature loves me to distraction, but she's +painfully familiar; she forgets that our positions are materially +altered since I was a journeyman tailor in a two pair back, struggling +to make love and trousers for the small remuneration of fifteen +shillings a week. Mary White is an uncommon nice girl--as a laundress, +but my sentiments is changed respecting her as a wife. + +_MARY WHITE re-enters and comes down, L._ + +MARY. Now, Widgy, dear---- Oh, good gracious, what a love of a +waistcoat you've on! Let me look at it, do? Well, it's a real beauty. + +WID. Stylish, eh? The last Paris touch. + +MARY. You used not to wear such waistcoats as that when you lived in +Fuller's Rents. + +WID. Oh, no, no! Ha, ha! (_Aside._) I wish she'd cut Fuller's Rents. + +MARY. Do you know, Widgy, I don't think you're at all improved since +you fell in for that fortune, by a legacy you never expected. When you +lived in Fuller's Rents you used to walk out with me on a Sunday. You +never walk with me at all now. + +WID. Walking's vulgar, my dear. + +MARY. And you sometimes used to take me at half-price to the theatres. + +WID. Theatres is low, my dear. + +MARY. And you remember how we used to go together to Greenwich, with a +paper of ham sandwiches in my basket, and sit under the trees in the +park, and talk, and laugh--law! how we used to laugh to be sure!--and +then you used to talk of love and constancy and connubial felicitude +in a little back parlour, and a heap of beautiful things. + +WID. (_Aside._) A heap of rubbish. + +MARY. And you know, Widgy, dear, when we enter that happy state---- + +WID. What state do you allude to, Miss White? + +MARY. The marriage state, of course. + +WID. Oh, indeed. Ah! + +MARY. You don't forget, I hope, that I have your promissory note on +the back of twenty-nine unpaid washing bills to make me your lawful +wife. (_Produces several papers._) There they are--and there's the +last of them. (_Reads._) "Six months after date I promise to marry +Miss Mary White." There, sir, you're due next Monday. + +WID. Am I! Then I'm afraid I sha'n't be prepared to take myself up. +I'll let myself be protested. + +MARY. No, you sha'n't; you've been protested often enough. I can't be +put off any longer, and understand me, Mr. Widgetts, I _won't_ +neither. + +WID. (_Aside._) There's a savage hymeneal look in her eye that makes +me shiver in my Alberts. I must soothe her a little or I shall have a +scene. Why, Mary, my dear, now don't be angry, you know it's one of my +jokes. + +MARY. Well, you'd better not try any more of them, for I don't like +them. No woman does. + +WID. No, of course, no woman does. Ha, ha, ha! Quite proper too, my +dear. + +MARY. Well, now that matter's settled, I'll go and collect your soiled +things, for it's getting late. + +WID. Do so, Mary; you'll find them in my room as usual. (_Sits at +table, L. C._) I'll make out the list as you call them out. (_Mary +White enters room, R., and Widgetts prepares to write._) She's +resolved to make me her victim and I don't know how to get rid of her. +I'd give---- + +MARY. (_Inside._) Four shirts. + +WID. (_Writes._) Four shirts. She's a perfect treasure at shirt +buttons; but what is shirt buttons to a bosom that beats for another. + +MARY. (_Inside._) One false front. + +WID. (_Writes._) One false front. She'd make a comfortable little wife +if she only had---- + +MARY. (_Inside._) A pair of white trousers. + +WID. (_Writes._) A pair of white trousers. Ah! I wore those ducks at +the Casino last Wednesday, and Ma'amselle Cheri Bounce observed, while +I was handing her a glass of champagne---- Ecod, 'tis well I +recollected it--I've forgotten to order champagne for my supper. I +must run over to the tavern myself and tell them to send some. + +[_Snatches up his hat and exit, L._ + +MARY. (_Entering with the white waistcoat worn by Widgetts at first, +and a note in her hand._) Well, you're a pretty careless fellow, to +leave your letters in your waistcoat pocket. Where is he gone to? +(_Examines the note curiously. Reads._) "Whittington Widgetts, Esq." +It's a woman's hand. I've a good mind to read it. I've no secrets from +him and he has none from me--or, at least he oughtn't to--so it can be +no harm. (_Opens note and reads hastily._) "Ma'amselle Cheri +Bounce"--Ah!--"compliments--happy to sup with Mr. W. W. this +evening--female notions--single gent--lobsters is stronger than +prudence--therefore trusts to indulgence, at nine o'clock precise." +Oh, the minx! (_Reads._) "P.S.--I'll come in my blue visite and my +native innocence." Oh, Widgetts, the false deceitful wretch, to +deceive me and wash out all his promises; to wring my heart and mangle +my affections like that. (_Sobbing._) But I--I--don't care not a pin's +point; no, I despise him and hate him worse than poison, and +I'll--I'll--I'll--tell him so. (_Sobbing._) I'll--I'll---- + +_Enter JACOB BROWN, L. door._ + +BROWN. (_Angrily._) Where's Widgetts! I want to see Widgetts. + +MARY. Then you want to see a good-for-nothing fellow. + +BROWN. Exactly, and I shouldn't mind adding that I consider him an +numbug. + +MARY. A wretch! + +BROWN. Most decidedly. + +MARY. A puppy! + +BROWN. Not a doubt of it. You see we're unanimous in our verdict. That +man, ma'am, has been a _reptile_ in my path, a _wiper_ to all _my_ +hopes, and an _adder_ to all my woes; he has lacerated my heart and +singed the tender buds of young affection here. + +(_Lays his hands on his bosom._) + +MARY. Ah! What has he done? + +BROWN. He has _done me_, ma'am--_me_, Brown; that's what he's done. +Cut me out with Ma'amselle Cheri Bounce. + +MARY. Cheri Bounce! Ah! (_Aside._) She that's to sup to-night with +Widgetts. + +BROWN. I'm an 'airdresser, ma'am, my name's Brown, and I've a +professional engagement at the Opera House, where I cultivate romance +and ringlets amongst the ladies of the ballet. There I first beheld +the lovely Cheri Bounce, the very image of the wax Wenus in my shop +window. I loved her, not for her foreign grace, but for her native +hair. Oh, she had such a head of real hair; and, oh, the showers of +tears and the bottles of Macassar oil that I've poured upon it nobody +would believe! Well, I toasted her for two years regularly, and at +length she consented to become _Brown_. Well, we were to have been +married, I had bought my wedding suit, when this fellow Widgetts, came +to take the curl out of my happiness. We quarrelled about him last +Saturday, and grew so warm that we've been cool ever since. But that's +not all. This very day, I heard that she had accepted an invitation to +sup with him to-night; but I'll prevent _that;_ he shall fight me--one +of us must fall--let him choose his own weapons--curling irons if he +likes. + +MARY. Don't be rash, Brown. Widgetts has deceived _me_ and wronged +_you;_ we must take a better way of being revenged on him. + +BROWN. How? What way? Tell me! I'll do anything to be down on +Widgetts. + +MARY. Then you must assist me in a scheme I've just thought of. Here, +carry this stuffed gentleman into the kitchen there. + +(_Pointing to dummy figure._) + +BROWN. This chap! Come along, old fellow. (_Takes him up._) Why he's a +regular railway speculator--nothing but a man of straw. + +MARY. (_Taking a gown and other articles of female attire out of her +basket._) Aye, here's a gown, petticoat, and stockings--(_takes a pair +of green boots out of her pocket_)--and a pair of green boots. Now, +Brown, you must dress the figure in these clothes. + +(_Gives him clothes._) + +BROWN. Dress him in these! Why, bless you, I don't know how. I'm not a +lady's maid. + +MARY. Oh, never mind; you'll manage very well! There, make haste, and +do as I tell you. + +BROWN. Well, I'm only made to order, so I'll try and do my best. + +[_Exit through the folding-doors into the passage, and then through +the door beyond into kitchen._ + +MARY. (_Sits at table, R. C._) Now to write to Widgetts and tell him +of my melancholy end. (_Writes and reads._) "Base man,--I have +discovered the truth of your falsity, and know all about the lobsters +and the cretur that's to sup with you to-night. Oh, Widgetts, once, +you swore to love none but Mary _White;_ but now, your vows is _blew_ +to the winds. I sha'n't trouble you no more with my _mangled_ +feelings, for I'm going to drown myself in the water-butt in your +kitchen; where you'll find me. Adieu, Widgetts! I forgive you; but I +know that my ghost and them lobsters will sit heavy on your stomach +to-night. So no more at present from your departed--MARY WHITE." + +BROWN. (_Coming into the passage from the kitchen and showing the +figure dressed in the clothes given him by Mary._) Here she is. Will +she do? + +MARY. Oh! beautifully! Ha, ha, ha, ha! I can't help laughing at the +droll figure I cut. (_Folds and directs the letter._) There lies the +train that's to blow up Widgetts. (_Rises._) Now, Brown, we must pop +her head downwards into the water-butt. + +BROWN. Well, that's easily done. + +MARY. (_Widgetts heard singing in the street._) Hark! I hear Widgetts +coming. Quick, we must get out by the back door quietly. + +[_Mary White exits into the passage, and closes the folding-doors +after her._ + +_Enter WIDGETTS by street door, L._ + +WID. I've ordered the champagne--these opera girls all drink +champagne, when they can get it. I wonder is _she_ here still. (_Looks +into chamber, R._) Ah, bravo! She's gone. (_Sees the letter on table, +C._) Ah, a letter--for me? (_Opens it carelessly, starts, and reads to +himself._) Oh, oh, oh! What? (_Reads._) "Mary White--I'm going to +drown myself in the water-butt, where you'll find me." Gracious +powers! "Adieu, Widgetts, I forgive you." Poor dear soul. "But my +ghost, and them lobsters will sit heavy on your stomach to-night." +Horrible idea! It can't be true--she'd never go to commit such a +catastrophe in my establishment. Make a coroner's inquest of herself +in my private water-butt, when the Thames is open to all! No, she's +only said so to frighten me. (_Throws letter on the floor and goes to +folding-doors._) Why Mary, Mary, my dear, don't be foolish! Ha, ha, +ha, ha! I know it's one of your jokes. Ha, ha! Little rogue! Ha! ha! +Ha! ha! (_Throws open folding-doors and discovers the dummy figure, +which has been dressed in female garments, with the legs and part of +the dress sticking out of the water-butt, a pair of women's green +boots on the feet of the figure. Widgetts totters back, horrified at +the sight._) Oh, oh, oh! She done it. She's there, with her legs +sticking out of the water-butt, and her green Sunday boots on her +feet--and the vital spark extinct. Oh, it's too dreadful a sight for +human feelings them legs, and them green boots. (_Returns, and closes +the folding-doors._) What an awful sensation 'twill make when it's +found out; they'll have my _head_ in all the print shops, and my +_tale_ in all the newspapers--I shall be brought out at half the +theatres too. They'll make _three_ shocking acts of one fatal act at +the Victoria, and they'll have the real water and water-butt at the +Surrey. (_Rises._) What's to be done? I'm in a desperate state of +mind, and feel as if I could take my own measure for an unmade coffin. + +TWILL. (_Who has entered at the last words._) I've ordered it, sir, +for nine precisely. + +WID. (_Starts._) Ordered it? What? + +TWILL. The fowl and the lobster in the shell. + +WID. Oh, ha! I was thinking of another _shell_. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Light +the lamp, Twill. (_With forced gaiety._) We'll have a jolly night. Ha, +ha, ha, ha! + + "Old King Cole was a jolly old soul, and a jolly old soul was he; + He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl, + And he called for his fiddlers three." + +TWILL. Ay, master, that's the way to drown old care. + +WID. Drown who, sir? Do you mean, sir, that anyone is drowned in this +establishment? + +TWILL. Me, sir, not I, sir--I only---- + +WID. Go and lay the table for supper. (_Twill picks up Mary White's +letter from the floor, twists it into an allumette, and lighting it at +the candle, lights with it the lamp on table at back. Widgetts walking +about in a state of agitation and endeavouring to sing._) It's an +awful business; but at all events, they can't charge me with the deed. +I have her letter to prove she made away with herself; _that_ will +clear me. (_Searches his pockets hastily._) Where is it? What have I +done with it? (_Looking about the floor._) Eh, no, no! Twill, Twill, +have you seen a letter lying about here? + +TWILL. Letter! I found a piece of crumpled paper on the floor, that +I've lighted the lamp with; there's a bit of it left though. + +(_Gives him a fragment of the burnt letter_) + +WID. (_Glances hastily at it._) Oh, heivings, you've lighted the lamp, +and snuffed out the candle of my precious existence! + +TWILL. Why, what's the matter, Mr. Widgetts? You are going to faint. +Stop, till I'll fetch you a glass of water from the water-butt. + +WID. (_Interposing to prevent Twill going to the kitchen._) Water! +Forbear! + +TWILL. Bless me, how dreadful you look. + +WID. Do I? Ah, very likely! I've been seized with a sudden swimming in +the water-butt--the head--the head, I mean. + +TWILL. By my sowl, I see how it is--the murder's out. + +WID. (_Collaring him._) Murder--what murder do you allude to? Who's +done it, sir? Speak! + +TWILL. Asy, Mr. Widgetts--asy, sir--sure I know you've been taking a +drop too much. + +WID. A drop! (_Aside._) The word puts me in a cold perspiration. Oh, +ay! Ha, ha, ha! You may go, Twill; I sha'n't want you any longer. +Stop! You haven't had any enjoyment lately; there's an order for the +Adelphi; go there, my boy, and be happy. (_Gives him a card._) + +TWILL. Oh, thank you, sir. May be I'm not a lucky boy. + +[_Exit Twill hastily, L._ + +WID. Now he's gone, I can reflect upon my terrible situation. _She_ +must be removed. But how? That's the point. + +_He stands, buried in thought, as MARY WHITE, disguised as a boy, +wearing an old blouse, enters._ + +MARY. Aei--aei--yoo-- + +WID. Eh! Who are you? What do you want? + +MARY. E-eh? You must speak up, I'm rather hard of hearing. + +WID. (_Bawling._) I say, what do you want? + +MARY. I'm Mary White, the laundress's, young man, and I'm come to +carry home her basket of clothes. + +WID. The devil! (_Speaking very loud._) She's gone, my good +fellow--she's been gone these two hours. + +MARY. Two hours! Well, I'm in no hurry, I can stop. But I may as well +eat my supper while I'm waiting. I've got a plummy slice of ham in my +pocket--(_pulls a crust of bread and a slice of ham wrapped in a +play-bill, from her pocket_)--and a play-bill too, for a table-cloth. +(_Spreading bill on table._) I think that's coming it rather genteel. +(_Takes a clasp knife out of her pocket._) Fond of ham, old fellow? + +WID. (_At the opposite side of table._) Why, you impudent young +vagabond, you don't mean to say you're agoing to sup here? Be off, and +be damn'd to you. + +MARY. Well, you _are_ a regular brick, and I don't mind if I do take +some of your pickles. + +WID. (_Bawls._) Zounds! I say, you mustn't sup here. + +MARY. Mustn't sup here. (_Rises._) Why didn't you say so at once? +Never mind, I'll go into the kitchen, and take it there. (_Going._) + +WID. (_Alarmed._) To the kitchen! (_Holds her._) Not for the world. +You quite misunderstood me. Don't disturb yourself. Sit down, do. +(_Pushes her again into the chair. Aside._) What's to become of me? +I'd pitch him into the street, only I'm afraid of making a +disturbance. There's no making him hear. Ecod! I know what I'll do; +I'll run and borrow the speaking-trumpet that I saw this morning +hanging at Smith, the broker's, door, and speak to him through _that_. +(_Going, returns._) Stay! The devil might tempt him to peep into the +kitchen, I'll lock the door. + +[_Locks the folding-door, goes through pantomime, expressive of sorrow +for his victim in the water-butt, and exit, L._ + +MARY. (_Jumping up and laughing._) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho, ho! +Oh, dear, never was anything managed so cleverly. Ha, ha, ha, ha! +(_Throwing off cap and neckerchief._) To think that he didn't know me; +and what a rage he was in. Well, now I'm ready for him in another +character. (_Takes off her leggings and blouse, and appears dressed as +a young man of fashion. Surveys herself in the cheval-glass._) Yes, it +will do--it will do--a very smart little fellow, not extensive, but +uncommonly well got up. These were the clothes that poor Brown got to +be married in; they fit me to a nicety. (_Knock at door_, L.) Come in. + +_Enter two WAITERS, L., carrying tray with supper, covered dishes, +plates, bottles, &c._ + +WAI. Supper, sir, ordered by Mr. Widgetts. + +MARY. Supper! Oh, yes! All right. Mr. Widgetts is out, but he'll be +back presently; leave it on this table if you please. (_Waiter places +tray on table, R., back._) There, that will do! Plates, knives, and +forks. All right! You need not wait, young man. + +WAI. Thank you, sir. Anything else, sir? + +MARY. No; everything is beautiful, thank you. + +WAI. Thank you, sir. Good night, sir. + +MARY. Good night. + +[_Exit Waiters, L. Mary looks under the covers._] + +Lobsters, roast fowl, kidneys. Ah, the ungrateful wretch never asked +me to such a supper; but never mind. Hark, I hear him returning. + +[_She throws the blouse, hat, and gaiters, into the clothes-basket and +carries all into the chamber, R._ + +WID. (_Entering, L., and shouting through speaking-trumpet._) Now, +young fell--low, I sa--a--ay! Hey, he's gone and the coast's clear! +(_Sees supper-tray._) Oh! What! They've sent the supper from the +tavern. I quite forgot it. Dear me, this dreadful affair has so upset +me and given me such a turn that I doubt I'll never come straight +again. What will Ma'amselle Cheri Bounce think of me? I dare say she's +been here and gone? Everybody's gone but my interesting victim. Ah, +she's still there, standing, with all her imperfections, on her head +in the water-butt! Well, I suppose everyone has his lot, but mine's a +lot I don't know how to dispose of. I must remove the body from the +establishment at all events, and I'll do it now, while the house is +still. (_Goes to folding-doors and puts key in the lock._) I haven't +strength to open the door with them green boots kicking at my +conscience! Courage, Widgetts--courage! Be a man--though you are but a +tailor. Stay! I'll take a thimbleful of brandy first. (_Takes bottle +from table and pours out a glass, which he drinks._) Ah, that's a +reviver. (_Drinks and comes down._) Betts has raised the standard of +British spirit in my heart. (_Drinks._) Well, we all want comfort in +this miserable world. (_Drinks._) There's poor Mary White gone on a +weeping and _wailing_ voyage to that bourne from whence no traveller +gets a return ticket. (_Mary laughs in room, R._) Ah, what's that? A +laugh. It had a hollow and inhuman sound. Could it be _she?_ (_Points +to folding-doors._) Mary--a--a--a--how do I know--she may have been +turned into something horrible. The fiend of the water butt, perhaps. +She may come to me at night--she said she would. Oh, Lord! The idea of +the ghost of a damp laundress at your back. (_Shudders._) +W--h--h--h--hew! (_Mary laughs._) There, it is again, that demoniac +laugh. I wish I could peep into the kitchen! But I daren't, lest I +should see her glaring at me with one eye through the bung-hole of the +water-butt. Bless me, how my knees keep giving double knocks upon each +other. (_Mary sings in room._) Ah, surely that's singing! (_Listens._) +Ghosts haven't got a singing license. Hark! 'Tis somebody committing +vocal violence in my bedroom. (_Goes to door of bed-chamber, R., and +looks in._) Hey, there's a young fellow making himself quite at home +in my establishment. I am not aware I ever saw him before. What had I +better do? Go in and ask him what he wants? No; that might be +dangerous. 'Twill be safer in my present peculiar position to appear +as a stranger. Let me see. I have it--capital idea--the waiter from +the tavern with the supper--I think I could _do_ a waiter. It's only, +"Coming, sir, in _one_ minute--coming; two brandies and water, coming, +sir." (_He ties one of the supper napkins round his neck for a white +cravat, changes his coat for an old black one that hangs on the back +of a chair, while doing so he looks into the room now and again._) +There goes my Macassar oil and my Circassian cream. There, my eau de +cologne too, that cost me half-a-guinea a bottle. An impudent rascal! +D----n me, if he's not rummaging my drawers! That's free and easy at +all events. Come, I think I'm pretty well disguised now. (_Looks at +himself in the cheval-glass._) No; confound it, this face of mine will +never do--it might be known. I want a pair of whiskers to hide it. +Ecod, I've hit it again. This chair--(_takes knife from table and cuts +open the stuffed seat of the chair_)--there's enough hair in it to +whisker a regiment of Turks. + +(_Pulls a handful of the hair out of the chair-seat, goes to the +chimney-glass and arranges it round his chin so as to look like a pair +of large whiskers._) + +_Enter from room, R., MARY WHITE, still dressed as a young man, and +drying her hands with a towel._ + +MARY. (_Aside and laughing._) Heavens, what a figure. + +WID. Hem! A----I beg your pardon--but you seem--a--eh---- + +MARY. Exactly. And who are you? + +WID. Me--I--a--ah--I'm--a--the waiter--from the tavern. + +MARY. Perhaps, then, you can tell me where I can find Mr. Widgetts? + +WID. Not exactly. You've particular business with him? + +MARY. Rather. In fact--I don't mind telling you--I'm one of the +detective police. + +WID. (_Alarmed._) You!--a gentleman? + +MARY. Oh, yes, we go about in all manner of disguises, when we want to +pick up a shy bird. Now, I'm looking for Widgetts, and I shouldn't +mind giving five pounds if you could tell me where to lay my hand upon +him. + +(_Lays her hand on Widgetts' shoulder, who starts._) + +WID. Ah! Ha, ha, ha! Five pounds! Is it a--very serious business, eh? + +MARY. Merely a hanging matter. + +WID. Nothing more? (_Aside._) The dreadful deed's discovered. I'll be +off. Hem, well, I'll go and look after Mr. Widgetts. + +MARY. No, no; you must stop here. I've no doubt I shall want you +presently. + +_Enter MADEMOISELLE CHERI BOUNCE, L._ + +CHERI. I beg pardon. + +WID. (_Aside._) Zounds! Ma'amselle Cheri Bounce. + +CHERI. I expected to meet a gent--Mr. Widgetts. + +MARY. Who invited you to supper? + +(_Crosses to L._) + +WID. (_Aside._) How did the fellow know that? + +MARY. My friend, Widgetts, has been obliged to leave home rather +suddenly, but he has left me here to perform the agreeable for him. +Supper, you see, is waiting, Ma'amselle. + +WID. (_Coming forward._) Allow me to observe---- + +MARY. Lay the table. + +WID. (_Aside._) The rascal's not going to eat my supper! + +(_Lays the table, C._) + +CHERI. (_Aside._) Really a very nice young man. + +MARY. My name is Spraggs--Spraggs, ma'amselle. Like my friend, +Widgetts, I'm dotingly fond of the girls--aw--paws'itive fact--can't +help it, never could, and don't think I ever shall. Let me take your +shawl. (_Takes off Cheri Bounce's shawl._) A divine figure--demme! + +WID. (_Coming between them._) Allow me to observe---- + +MARY. Lay the table, waiter. + +WID. (_Aside._) D--n the table. (_Lays the plates and dishes and +places the chairs. Mary White gallants Mdlle. Cheri Bounce, apart. +Widgetts, C., polishing a plate, furiously._) Here's a pleasant +situation, waiter at my own supper, and afraid to open my mouth. The +rascal's making love to her, and she likes it! Hang 'em, I wish I +could strangle them. + +(_Mary White and Mdlle. Cheri Bounce laughing._) + +CHERI. Oh, you droll wretch, you're ten times funnier than that stupid +Widgetts. + +MARY. Hang Widgetts. + +WID. (_Coming between them._) I beg your pardon. + +MARY. What d'ye want? Is the table laid? + +WID. (_Aside._) D--n the table. (_Returns to table, and bawls out._) +Supper's ready! + +MARY. Ah! (_To Cheri Bounce._) Come, my dear. + +(_Widgetts seats himself at table._) + +MARY. What! + +WID. (_Jumps up._) Beg pardon--I vacate. + +(_Mary White, R., and Cheri Bounce, L., seat themselves at table._) + +MARY. Now, my dear ma'amselle, here are fowl, and lobster, and +kidneys. + +WID. (_Aside._) I wish they were sticking in his gizzard. + +MARY. Now then, waiter, be alive, and take your tin. + +(_Claps one of the dish covers on Widgetts' head, who snatches it off, +and flings it away in a rage._) + +WID. Allow me to observe---- + +MARY. There's no bread, my good fellow. + +WID. Coming. (_Aside._) D--n the bread. + +(_Goes to a table at back, on which is a loaf of bread and rolls._) + +MARY. What part of the fowl shall I send you, ma'amselle? + +CHERI. The funny idea, Mr. Spraggs, if you please. + +MARY. The funny idea! Well, I never! + +CHERI. The merry thought, you know. + +MARY. Oh, to be sure! Yes, the funny idea. + +(_Cutting the fowl._) + +WID. Bread. + +(_Claps the loaf of bread on the dish before Mary White, who throws it +at him._) + +MARY. Roll, stupid. Plates, waiter. (_Widgetts puts the roll under his +arm, and hands plates to Mary White._) Allow me to add a kidney. They +look beautiful. + +CHERI. Thank you. + +(_Mary White puts some fowl and a sausage on the plate, which she +gives to Widgetts for Mdlle. Cheri Bounce, and then helps herself._) + +WID. (_Comes down with the plate in his hand._) How uncommon savoury +it smells. He's not looking. + +(_Takes the kidney off the plate, and puts it in his pocket._) + +MARY. Waiter. (_Widgetts lays the plate before Mdlle. Cheri Bounce._) +Open that champagne, waiter. + +WID. (_Aside._) My champagne, too! + +(_Opening a bottle of champagne._) + +MARY. (_Helps Mdlle. Cheri Bounce._) I hope you liked your kidney. + +CHERI. What kidney, Mr. Spraggs? + +WID. (_Snatching the kidney out of his pocket, and putting it, +unperceived, on Mdlle. Cheri Bounce's plate._) Why, that kidney. + +CHERI. Dear me, I didn't perceive it before. + +(_Widgetts places champagne on the table._) + +MARY. Celery, waiter. (_Widgetts goes to table at back for celery. +Mary White fills two glasses of champagne, and drinks with Mdlle. +Cheri Bounce. Widgetts returns with stalks of celery in his coat +pocket, and, without being perceived, takes the champagne bottle, +fills a glass for himself, comes down and drinks, R._) I say, +Ma'amselle, this is rare fun. + +CHERI. Glorious! + +MARY. I'll give you, the absent Widgetts. + +CHERI. I've no objection to drink poor Widgetts' health, but I don't +at all wish for his company. He's such a particularly conceited fool. + +WID. (_Aside, and scarcely able to restrain himself._) Do I look like +a fool? (_They drink. Widgetts comes to the table._) As the sole +surviving friend of Mr. Widgetts, will you allow me to say---- + +(_Presses the plate to his breast. Knock at door, L._) + +MARY. Hold your tongue and open the door. + +(_Mary White and Ma'amselle Cheri Bounce rise._) + +CHERI. Perhaps 'tis Widgetts. + +WID. No, it isn't. Widgetts is--elsewhere. + +(_Knocking at door, L._) + +BROWN. (_Outside door._) Open the door. I must come in. + +CHERI. Heavens! That's Brown's voice. If he finds me here I shall be +ruined. + +(_Alarmed._) + +WID. Don't let him in. + +(_Runs to door, L._) + +CHERI. Where on earth can I conceal myself? Ah, here! (_Throws open +folding doors. Widgetts stands transfixed with terror; Mdlle. Cheri +Bounce screams in a state of dreadful alarm._) Oh, oh, oh! There's a +woman drowned in the water-butt. + +MARY. 'Tis Mary White, the laundress. Widgetts murdered her. + +WID. I'll be d----d if he did! + +MARY. Never mind, he'll be hanged for it all the same. + +[_Exit through folding-doors which she closes after her._ + +WID. Widgetts hanged! You might as well hang me. + +CHERI. Good heavens! What a horrid place I've got into. (_Knocking at +door, L., Brown outside calling_ "Let me in! Open the door.") Oh, that +Brown will make another victim of _me!_ + +(_Runs into chamber, R._) + +_Enter BROWN, L._ + +BROWN. Where is she? Where's Mademoiselle Cheri Bounce? I know she's +here. + +WID. I beg your pardon, she left here half an hour ago! I called the +cab for her myself--a patent hansom, No. 749. + +BROWN. Where's Widgetts, then? Where's the villain Widgetts, the +destroyer of my happiness? + +WID. My good fellow, don't be outrageous! Mr. Widgetts is +unfortunately absent--he's gone to close the eyes of a dying uncle, +and won't be back to-night. + +_Enter TWILL, L._ + +TWILL. Oh, please, sir, they wouldn't admit the order at the Adelphi! +(_Sees Widgetts and bursts into a fit of laughter._) Ha, ha, ha, ha! +Why surely this ain't Guy Faux day, Mr. Widgetts? + +BROWN. Widgetts! + +CHERI. (_At door, R._) Widgetts? + +(_Retires._) + +TWILL. Of course! That's Mr. Widgetts, my master; I'll never deny him. + +WID. (_Aside._) Then I've nothing for it but a bolt--out of my bedroom +window. + +(_Rushes into chamber, R.; Mdlle. Cheri Bounce screams inside. +Widgetts rushes out again followed by Mdlle. Cheri Bounce beating him +with her umbrella._) + +CHERI. Stop him! Don't let him escape! He has murdered a woman. + +TWILL. Murdered a woman? Oh, the dirty blackguard, what a taste he +had. + +(_Brown attempts to seize him, but Widgetts strikes his hat over his +eyes, runs round the table, and runs to door, L., against which Twill +has placed his back._) + +TWILL. (_In a boxing attitude._) No, you don't. + +(_Brown now collars him, and Cheri Bounce beats him with her +umbrella._) + +BROWN. Ha, have I got you at last--(_shaking him_)--villain! + +WID. Help! Murder! Police! Help! + +TWILL. (_Dancing at door, L._) Police! Here's an illigant row. Go it, +little one--fire away, umbrella! She don't lay it into him at all. + +WID. Stop, stop, stop! Spare the remnant of an injured tailor's life. +You think I cut off Mary White's thread; but I didn't! The horrid act +was her own deed. She got jealous of me, and mixed her proud spirit +with too much water. She'd tell you so herself, poor soul, if she +could. + +MARY. (_Speaking inside folding doors in a solemn voice._) No, she +wouldn't. + +WID. Angels and bannisters support me. (_Drops on his knees. Mdlle. +Cheri Bounce throws herself into the arms of Brown. General +consternation._) 'Tis her voice--her ghost is come back to walk the +earth in them green boots. Injured shade, speak for me, if ghosts have +parts of speech, and tell them I'm innocent. + +MARY. (_Inside._) You caused my death by your falsity. + +WID. O-oh! I know it; but sooner than you should have made an object +of yourself, I'd have married you ten times over. + +MARY. (_Inside._) And would you marry me now, if I was living? + +WID. I would--to-morrow morning. + +MARY. (_Runs out._) Then, Whittington, I'm your loving Mary again. + +WID. (_Jumps up and tries to avoid her, she follows him._) Hollo! +No--keep off. (_She embraces him._) Hey! Bless me, you're neither damp +or dead; on the contrary you're remarkably warm and lively. But, are +you sure you're not a water nymph, and that you have not got private +apartments in the Thames or the New River? + +MARY. No, Widgy; don't be afraid, 'twas only a trick of mine, to +plague you for your inconstancy. (_Pointing to water butt._) She's not +_me_, but the dummy figure, dressed up in some of my clothes. + +WID. Ah, I've been finely hoaxed! And where's the detective policeman, +that eat my lobster, and drank my wine? + +MARY. Why, of course, he's here. + +(_Points to herself._) + +WID. Oh, you villain! But what's to be done with Brown? + +(_Brown and Mdlle. Cheri Bounce, who have been conversing at the back, +during the later part of the dialogue, come down._) + +BROWN. Ask Ma'amselle here, for she's consented to be Mrs. Brown, next +Monday, and as for this little affair of the supper I was in the plot +with Mary. + +WID. I hope you were not in the water-butt with her; but, never mind, +I don't want any further explanation. I've had my lesson--(_to +Audience_)--and I hope you have all profited by it. Now, if there's +any single, good-looking young fellow here, wants a bit of advice. +Eh--there's my friend, Smith. Smith, my dear boy, when you invite a +female friend to a quiet bit of supper, mind there's no water-butt on +the premises; and I mention this confidentially to all you bachelors, +if your laundress is young and pretty, you had better pay your washing +bills regularly; and don't, like me, get yourself into a scrape, by +not knowing "How to Settle Accounts with Your Laundress." + + + _Disposition of the Characters at the Fall of the Curtain._ + + CHERI BOUNCE. BROWN. MARY W. WIDGETTS. TWILL. + R. L. + + + + +Transcriber's Note + +This transcription is based on pp. 11-19 of Dicks' Standard Plays No. +1006. The images used in this transcription have been posted on the +Internet Archive at: + + archive.org/details/CoyneLaundress + +In addition, a microform copy of the same edition, which was made +available by the University of California, Davis, was used as a +secondary source. + +In general, this transcription attempts to retain the formatting, +punctuation and spelling of the source text. In a few cases where the +quality of the printing made a word or a punctuation mark hard to +read, the obvious reading was considered the correct reading without +comment. A few changes were made to smooth out some of the +inconsistent editing of the source text. + +The following changes were made: + +-- p. 11: (Widgett's Page and Light Porter)--Changed "Widgett's" to +"Widgetts'". + +-- p. 13: since the evening I danced with her at the Casino. +(_Calls,_) Twill!--Changed the comma after "_Calls_" to a period. + +-- p. 14: MARY. And your remember how we used to go together to +Greenwich--Change "your" to "you". + +-- p. 14: law! how we use to laugh to be sure!--Changed "use" to +"used". + +-- p. 14: and a heap of beautiful thing.--Changed "thing" to "things". + +-- p. 15: to wring my heart and mangle my affections like that, +(_Sobbing._)--Changed the comma after "that" to a period. + +-- p. 15: (_Lays his hands on his bosom._--Added a closing parenthesis +for consistency. + +-- p. 16: you don't mean to say your agoing to sup here?--Changed +"your" to "you're". + +-- p. 16: (_Pushes her again into the chair._ (_Aside._)--Deleted the +opening parenthesis before "_Aside_". + +-- p. 17: _Enter two WAITERS, L, carrying tray with supper, covered +dishes, plates, bottles, &c._--Inserted a period after "L". + +-- p. 17: Its only, "Coming, sir, in _one_ minute..."--Changed "Its" +to "It's". + +-- p. 17: Pulls a handful of the hair out of the chair-seat, goes to +to the chimney-glass--Deleted the second "to" after "goes". + +-- p. 17: You've particular business with him.--Changed the period to +a question mark. + +-- p. 18: CHERI. Oh, you droll wretch, you've ten times +funnier--Changed "you've" to "you're". + +-- p. 18: MARY. There's no bread, my good fellow--Added a period to +the end of the sentence. + +-- p. 18: MARY (_Helps Mdlle. Cheri Bounce._)--Inserted a period after +the character title "MARY". + +-- p. 18: MARG. Celery, waiter.--Changed "MARG." to "MARY." + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of How to Settle Accounts with your +Laundress, by J. Stirling Coyne + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 49728 *** |