path: root/49481-0.txt

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 49481 ***

TWICE KILLED

A FARCE
IN
ONE ACT

BY
JOHN OXENFORD

AUTHOR OF
Five Pounds Reward; Only a Half-penny; Reigning Favourite;
Dice of Death, &c. &c.

THOMAS HAILES LACY,
89, STRAND,
(_Opposite Southampton Street, Covent Garden Market_,)
LONDON.




TWICE KILLED.

_First performed at the Royal Olympic Theatre, November_ 26_th_, 1835.


CHARACTERS.

Mr. Euclid Facile            Mr. KEELEY.
Mr. Ralph Reckless           Mr. J. VINING.
Tom, (_his servant_)         Mr. SALTER.
Mr. Holdfast                 Mr. W. VINING.
Mr. Fergus Fable             Mr. COLLIER.
Robert                       Mr. BRAYNE.

Mrs. Facile                  Miss PAGET.
Miss Julia Flighty           Miss MALCOLM.
Fanny Pepper                 Mrs. ORGER.


COSTUMES.

FACILE.--Brown dress coat, black pantaloons, white waistcoat.

RECKLESS.--Green Newmarket cut coat, light waistcoat, fashionable
trousers.

FABLE.--Black suit.

MR. HOLDFAST.--Brown coat, dark trousers, and shoes.

TOM.--Grey livery coat, white knee breeches, top boots.

ROBERT.--Green livery coat, white knee breeches, ditto gaiters.

MRS. FACILE.--Black dress, ditto net apron, embroidered with flowers.

MISS FLIGHTY.--Plain white book muslin dress, white satin slip.

FANNY PEPPER.--Red dress, brown holland apron embroidered with green,
cuffs to match, red ribbon in cap.


Time of representation, 45 minutes.




TWICE KILLED.

SCENE I.--_A view by a river side; on the opposite bank are seen the
backs of houses--immersed in water, as at Blackwall, &c._

_Enter TOM, with a large hamper, L. H._

TOM. Come, this will do; though its utility exceeds its beauty; a
confoundedly ugly basket, though destined to hold most rare contents:
several sugar loaves, a canister of tea--black and green, almonds and
raisins in abundance, coffee, rice, and spices, bars of soap, starch
and powder, blue enough to stock a small shop. Dear Fanny! if her
heart is not won by such a store of valuables, it is indeed hard.

_Enter RECKLESS, L. H._

RECK. Ha, ha, ha, I've found her--What you here?

TOM. Yes, sir.

RECK. I have found her, I'll tell you; congratulate your fortunate
master, most faithful Thomas.

TOM. Have you indeed found Miss Julia, and how?

RECK. Simply saw her at a house window.

TOM. But you cannot get into that house.

RECK. No; but I have got my mark, the means of hitting that mark are
still in fortune's hands.

TOM. And in worse hands they could not be; sir, do give up this
scheme. You fall in love with a young lady at a boarding school,
correspond with her under a feigned name--

RECK. Yes, you know that arose from the fear of my cousin, old
Guineamore, hearing of these matters. I dared not trust my own lady
love. You are aware I have immense expectations from him, and that he
hates anything like adventures.

TOM. Yes, and Reginald de Mowbray is a much prettier name than Ralph
Reckless, but where was I? Oh, a feigned name. Well, the young lady's
governess finds out the correspondence, and very properly sends her to
her guardians, who takes her into the country, also very properly;
give up this scheme, sir--

RECK. Not I; when I have found the retreat of my charmer, the cavern
where the treasure is hid, shall I be craven knight enough to fear the
dragon that guards it? No, man, not I--so if you have not better
advice to give, we'll change the subject. What the devil is that great
basket for?

TOM. What? oh, that is an affair of the heart; you have confided all
your tender secrets to me, therefore I will do the same to you, sir,
if you will allow me.

RECK. Certainly, good Thomas, go on.

TOM. Why, a sort of a relation of mine--a grocer, died the other day,
without a will, and his stock in trade got divided among six of us. I
have borrowed this large crate from Delfs, the crockery-warehouseman,
to stow my share in; and am thinking I could not do the genteel thing
better, (as my sweetheart Fanny's in service, and has to find such
articles out of her wages,) than to make her a delicate present of the
groceries, to sweeten my progress in her affections--eh, sir?

RECK. Delicate indeed! that I should have so gallant a man in my
service; and where does this happy maiden reside?

TOM. You see that white house, the other side of the water? one of
those houses in the water.

RECK. What! the white one?

TOM. Yes, she is housemaid there.

RECK. Oh! ha, ha, ha! Ri tol de rol. (_dances._)

TOM. Hey day. Did you tell me to order a straight waistcoat, sir?

RECK. No! tol de rol, I have a thought--

TOM. Why, you do look remarkable thoughtful.

RECK. You see these three bright gold sovereigns?

TOM. Yes, sir! perhaps you will allow me to _feel_ them too?

RECK. So I will, Tom, on one condition! send _me_ in that basket
instead of the grocery, and carry me to the house where my Julia is
secluded.

TOM. Well, sir, but what will Fanny say?

RECK. Never mind her, there shall be a genteel note pinned outside the
basket, explaining the contents. Then, I'll give her a couple of
sovereigns, so pack up and be gone.

[_Exeunt L. H., TOM dragging the hamper._



SCENE II.--_A parlour.--In centre of stage a sofa, capable of being
made into a bed. At the back a globe, covered with a glazed cover. A
dining table and chair. A cupboard to open at top and bottom, R.--A
large window to open, L._

(_MRS. FACILE, with a pestle and mortar, and JULIA, R. H.,
discovered._

MRS. F. Really, my dear, the best advice I can give you, is to employ
yourself about something, it will divert your mind.

JULIA. Divert? I don't want to be diverted, I want to be miserable;
it's very unkind of you to try to console me.

MRS. F. I can only say I mean well, and I believe your guardian means
well.

JULIA. Yes, so is every horrid thing _meant_ well. Our governess used
to make us wash our hands in icy water in winter, and tell us it was
all for our good. I hate what is for our good.

MRS. F. But consider the impropriety of your forming at school, a
clandestine attachment with a young gentleman, of whose very residence
you are ignorant.

JULIA. And what is propriety? A creature of imagination, framed by old
maids under the inspiration of green tea.

MRS. F. Stop, stop--

JULIA. Oh, what times were those, when I used to look for a note from
Mowbray, in the key hole of the green gate, when I used to read it to
six especial confidants, who were all dying with envy; 'till one
quarrelled with me about a slice of my last cake, betrayed me to the
French teacher, who told the head teacher, who told the governess--and
then what an explosion! dragged off hither, without letting me even
send my address to De Mowbray. It is a fine thing to be a victim of
cruelty at seventeen. And now as you are so fond of giving advice, let
me ask you why you are so very severe to that unfortunate little man,
your husband?

MRS. F. What you call severity, arises from my strict sense of
propriety, of which I am sorry to say, Mr. Facile has not so strict a
sense.

JULIA. No! why for all I can see, the poor dear little man does
nothing but sit with his mathematical books before him all day,
looking just like our geography master. Then he is such a very easy
man.

MRS. F. The very thing I dread; he not only lets me have my own way,
but every one else too. He is the confidant of all the young ladies in
the village; the very servants ask his advice on every single point,
and he gives it--is never affronted.

JULIA. Dear, good-natured soul!

MRS. F. There's that Fanny Pepper has innumerable points to consult
him upon--a forward slut, who apes me in everything. If I wear
ringlets, she wears ringlets--makes her caps like mine. Now how do I
know what she may ask him--and if he can refuse nothing--think of
that!

_Enter EUCLID, reading, R. H._

EUCLID. "X plus Y equal to--" Ah, my dear, what are you doing?

MRS. F. Can you address me in that calm manner, after what I said this
morning about Fanny the housemaid?

EUCLID. True, my love, you did say something; but I don't remember
what it was.

MRS. F. Only been married three weeks--come down to spend the
honeymoon with your relation, Mr. Holdfast--and already the confidant
of all the maid servants, and don't remember what I said!

EUCLID. No, dear, I only remember the agreeable things you say.

MRS. F. How provokingly good-tempered! I am cruelly used by your
indifference.

EUCLID. Are you? upon my word I did not mean it. I am not indifferent,
am always thinking of you--given, a, b.

_Enter FANNY, L. H._

FANNY. Please ma'am, Miss--

EUCLID. Oh, I forgot! while I was out this morning, I bought this case
of drawing instruments for you--there, dear.

MRS. F. And so, sir, you hope to atone for your conduct by a paltry
present. (_runs to window and opens it._) Thus you atone, and thus I
treat the atonement. (_throws case out of window._)

FANNY. (_aside._) Lauk-a-dasy me; how fine that was. I wish my
sweetheart would quarrel with me, and send me something--would not I
shy it out of window!

MRS. F. There, sir, you see what I have done.

EUCLID. Yes, love, you threw the case out of the window.

MRS. F. And does it make no impression?

EUCLID. Why, it was your own; you had a right to do with it as you
liked; it was nothing to me, you know.

MRS. F. Oh! obduracy, in the disguise of good nature.

FANNY. Please ma'am--

MRS. F. What, Fanny, you here! (_aside to JULIA._) There, as I told
you, her hair dressed the same--the ribbons in the cap too. Well,
Fanny.

FANNY. Please, ma'am, Miss Weakley has sent to know if you are going
to call there this afternoon?

MRS. F. Oh, yes, certainly--poor Miss Weakley. Yes, I shall call.

FANNY. (_whispers to EUCLID._) I have something to shew you, sir, when
your good lady goes out.

MRS. F. I shall call--what's the girl waiting for? do you think I
can't _call?_

FANNY. Yes, you can, ma'am, pretty loud, too.

[_Exit, L. H._

MRS. F. And now, Mr. Facile, you ought to be ashamed to stand before
me thus.

EUCLID. Ought I? Well, then, I'll take myself down stairs. (_reads._)
"On gravity--descending bodies."

[_Exit, L. H._

JULIA. How can you be so cross?

MRS. F. Discipline, I tell you. But reach me the decanter of wine from
the shelf, that's a dear. (_pours contents of mortar into decanter._)
There--there's the sleeping draught for Miss Weakley; I made it from a
receipt book belonging to my grandmama. Such a draught! it will make
her sleep like Juliet's drug, worthy of the book from which it was
extracted.

_Enter TWO MEN with basket, L._

Well, my good people.

1st. MAN. We have brought this hamper for Miss Fanny Pepper, and the
footman told us to bring it up stairs.

MRS. F. Miss, indeed! Yes, it's right _Miss_ Fanny Pepper is Mr.
Holdfast's housemaid--you may leave the basket.

[_MEN do so and exeunt, L. H._

JULIA. Well, while your are finishing your draughts, and the like, I
will go and put on my bonnet to accompany you. With very different
feelings from the time when I used to put it on to meet De Mowbray at
the garden gate.

[_Exit R. H., with the bottle._

MRS. F. What's that? Oh! goodness, the basket moves--a man!

RECKLESS. (_jumps out._) Madam, madam! do not cry out, I entreat you!
I am a stranger, yet rely on your generosity.

MRS. F. But this strange intrusion?

RECK. It is useless to conceal anything. You have doubtless heard of
De Mowbray--I am he.

MRS. F. The clandestine lover of Miss Julia, a person about whom no
one knows anything. But as you have relied on my mercy, I will not
betray you--I will assist you.

RECK. Dear, kind madam!

MRS. F. I will assist you to get out, I say. Return into that basket;
two of the footman shall carry you out to any place you may name, no
one shall know of your being here.

RECK. (_aside._) Oh, curse such kindness! Madam, consider--get into
the basket again? I have a pattern of the wicker work impressed upon
me from head to foot at present, independent of the lumps and bruises
I have received.

MRS. F. I can offer no other alternative. I cannot encourage your
addresses to Miss Julia; then I must consider my own character. Return
into the basket, and I will go and order the footmen to come up
immediately.

RECK. Well, madam, if there is no alternative, send me to this
direction. (_gives card, and re-enters basket._) Be sure to tell them
to keep the right side upwards.

MRS. F. I will, sir; the contents of the basket shall be taken care of
to the full value of the article.

[_Exit, R. H._

RECK. And I am to go back like a glass milk-pot, am I not? (_gets
out._) Snail! leave thy shell. In thy mistress's house, Ralph
Reckless, and suffer thyself to be packed up like a fish, and sent off
as mute? No, no; I've given the lady my tailor's card for a direction.
Ha, ha, ha! (_looks in closet._) what have we here?--a broken pestle
and mortar, and a stone ball from the garden entrance. These shall go
in the basket, (_puts them in._) they will pass for me as well as I
did for grocery.

[_Exit L. H._

_Enter FANNY, L. H._

FANNY. How cross Missus Facile is, and only a visitor too! I shall
give her a bit of my mind if she goes on so, not but I like a woman of
spirit. How beautiful she did throw the thingummy-gig out of the
window--that was fine now; I can give the devil his due. (_goes to
window._) But, oh! there's a boat party--and, oh! there's my admirer,
Thomas--and, oh! he's sitting by a female--and, oh! (_hides her
face._) how shocking, horrid, disgusting--he kissed her; it is so
low-lived to kiss in the open air! He shall see how I'll trim his
jacket when I meet him again! I'll give--but what's this, a basket?
M-i-ss, Miss--F-a-n, Fan-n-y-ny, Fanny--Miss Fanny P-e-p, Pep--Miss
Fanny Pep-p-e-r, per--Miss Fanny Pepper. It's horrid writing, (_tears
off note._) a present, but I won't keep it; I'll--I'll do as Mrs.
Facile did, I'll shy it out of window into the water. (_tries to lift
it._) Oh, gemini, how heavy it is. Hush! there's footsteps.

EUCLID. (_without._) So is B to C.

FANNY. It is Mr. Facile; he has no pride, though he is a
gentleman--I'll call him. Mr. Facile!

_Enter EUCLID, L. H._

EUCLID. Well, Frances Pepper?

FANNY. (_aside._) I knew he'd come. I have a favour to ask--Are you
strong, Mr. Facile?

EUCLID. (_aside._) Now what the deuce should she ask that for?

FANNY. Strong in the arm, I mean?

EUCLID. Pretty well.

FANNY. You'll excuse the liberty--you are such a kind gentleman; but
could you oblige me by throwing this basket out of the window?

EUCLID. Why?

FANNY. Oh, sir, pardon me, it's a delicate affair.

EUCLID. Delicate affair, indeed, to throw that great basket out of the
window; a coal heaver would shine particularly in such a delicate
affair! Oh, nonsense!

FANNY. Please do, sir, I've a motive--heigho!

EUCLID. Oh, well--what will they ask me to do next? Here, girl, ask me
to do no more. It's confoundedly heavy! (_they lift the basket between
them, rest it on the window ledge, and push it off._) Oh, my shoulder!

FANNY. What a splash! Thank'ye, sir, thank'ye; it's gone to the bottom
of the river.

EUCLID. Yes, and nearly took my arm with it--oh! oh! oh! Let me
impress one thing on your memory. Frances Pepper, next time you want a
delicate affair managed, hire a ticket porter.

FANNY. Thank'ye, sir, thank'ye, sir, for throwing my basket out of
window. That faithless monster's present; I wish he had been here, I'd
have asked Mr. Facile to throw him after it; I'm sure he'd have done
it, he is so good-natured.

[_Exit, L. H._

EUCLID. Ha! ha! a whimsical request enough. See what it is to be of an
easy disposition. What the servants will ask next it is impossible to
say. I have already written six letters for the footman, and read as
many valentines for the women; and the other day the old nurse asked
me to tell her fortune, because she said my books looked like
conjuring books; but this basket-throwing--

_Enter MRS. FACILE, L. H._

is the strangest adventure I ever knew.

MRS. F. Oh, my dear, have you seen a basket--a large basket?

EUCLID. Yes.

MRS. F. Like a hamper, big enough to put you in.

EUCLID. Yes, yes, well--(_aside._) I had better not say I helped
Fanny, or she'll blow up.

MRS. F. Well, you'll promise not to say anything, give me your word.

EUCLID. My love, not I; upon my word.

MRS. F. What do you suppose is in that basket?

EUCLID. Oh, I don't know--pickled salmon. He! he! (_aside._) I shall
learn something.

MRS. F. It is a man.

EUCLID. Hey--what?

MRS. F. A man!

EUCLID. (_aside._) The devil it was. My sweetest, you must be
mistaken.

MRS. F. I heard him talk; he is De Mowbray, Julia's unknown lover. He
wanted to get out of the basket, but I told him I would have him
carried out of the house. You see I want to break off the connexion.

EUCLID. Egad! the connexion is broke off with a vengeance.

MRS. F. But how serious you look--quite uneasy.

EUCLID. Uneasy, I? Ha! ha! quite a mistake! man in a basket--devilish
droll! Ha! ha! ha! Oh! oh! oh!

_Enter ROBERT, R._

ROBERT. Please, ma'am, we can't find any basket; we have looked
everywhere.

MRS. F. No!

EUCLID. Not found it? How extraordinary! You could not have looked.

MRS. F. Ah! Fanny must have seen it and taken it. You may go. [_Exit
ROBERT, R._] I'm uneasy.

EUCLID. So am I. Uneasy, my dear--how absurd!

MRS. F. Why suppose that wild fellow has got out of the basket, Mr.
Holdfast may meet him.

EUCLID. My love, you need not give yourself the slightest uneasiness
on that score. I dare say he has escaped with the basket, out of the
window perhaps--oh! oh! oh!

MRS. F. Why you know that window looks upon the river.

EUCLID. (_aside._) I should rather think I did know it. La, so it
does, ha! ha! He could not get out of the window without tumbling into
the wa--ter. Ha! ha! Oh-h-h!

MRS. F. But I'll go and see after Julia; for if the mad headed couple
should meet, I dread the consequences. Be sure you do not tell Mr.
Holdfast, if he comes home, there was a man in the basket.

[_Exit, R. H._

EUCLID. No, I shall not betray the secret. Here's a pretty kettle of
fish! here's a nice business! I turned _Noyade_;--Oh, but it's
over--yes, over! I won't think about it. What business had a man in
that basket? I'll be comfortable; it was not my fault. I'll
read--divert my mind with study. "Hydrostatics--to find the specific
gravity of bodies, immerse the body in water." Curse Hydrostatics!

_Enter FANNY, L._

Oh, you are here, are you? You are a pretty article.

FANNY. Well, so all the men say.

EUCLID. How can you look at me with that confounded smirk, you
abandoned woman?

FANNY. Sir! do you mean to say I'm--

EUCLID. No--you are a damned deal worse; you are an accessory before
the fact.

FANNY. What fact?

EUCLID. An enormous fact--murder!

FANNY. Oh, Mr. Facile! Ha! ha! you are joking.

EUCLID. Joking, eh! It's all very fine for you to pretend you didn't
know a man was in that basket.

FANNY. Oh, a very fine trick. Ah, no, you are in fun; there was a note
tied; I have it in my pocket. (_pulls it out._) There, sir; pardon me
blushing if it says anything soft.

EUCLID. (_reading._) "Dear Fan--

FANNY. Deceitful wretch!

EUCLID. "Inclosed herewith you have my master."

FANNY. (_screams._) Oh!

EUCLID. Don't scream--don't scream! We shall be hanged if you scream.

FANNY. Oh, dear! oh, dear, oh, dear! Let me look; m-a-s, mas--t-e-r,
ter--master. It's right--oh, dear! oh, dear! (_sobs._) we're in a
pickle!

EUCLID. Yes, and so is our unfortunate victim. Then you did not know
it?

FANNY. No; you know I cannot read without help. I determined to throw
that wretch's presents out of the window. I was only thinking of the
present.

EUCLID. Ay, but I'm thinking of the future; I did you wrong. I see you
are innocent. We are both a couple of innocent--guilty, miserable
wretches. Why didn't you throw it in yourself? We'll finish this
letter though.

(_they stand close together, reading a letter._

_Enter RECKLESS, R._

RECK. (_aside._) I can't find Julia anywhere; and I dread every minute
lest I should meet some cursed person or other who might be more
curious than pleasant. Who's that? Bless my lucky stars! my old
friend Facile. I can't be mistaken. (_slaps on back._) Facile, my boy!

EUCLID. (_aside._) That's the constable. No, sir, not here; it came
from the window next door. What, Reckless! Ah, how do you do?
(_aside._) Where the deuce did he come from?

RECK. I won't say a word about the basket; I'll feign I called to see
him. How do you do, my boy? We have not seen one another these--

EUCLID. These four years. So you remember me, and came to call?

RECK. Yes, ahem!

EUCLID. Very kind. But how did you know I lived here?

RECK. Oh, I saw you at the window.

EUCLID. Come, come, we don't occupy the front, and the back of the
house is in the water.

RECK. Ahem! Oh, ah! I was rowing past a quarter of an hour ago.

EUCLID. Ah--h--h! And you saw me at the window, did you? You did not
see me do anything particular, did you?

RECK. No. (_aside._) Good reason, I never saw you at all. No.

EUCLID. Ha! ha! no, of course not. What was there particular for me to
do, eh?

RECK. (_aside._) What a strange manner he has!

FANNY. And I was not standing by him, was I?

RECK. No.

EUCLID. No, to be sure not.

RECK. What the devil does this mean? They seem uneasy about something.
I suppose he has been kissing the girl at the window. Ha! ha! I
understand you.

EUCLID. Eh? do you though?

FANNY. Oh, gemini, oh!

RECK. You are a sly fellow, Euclid. (_whispers._) Eh?

EUCLID. (_aside._) It's all right--no, no, wrong, I assure you. But
you always had such odd ideas--still in the same spirits.

RECK. Yes, I can always smile; like that water which wears a smooth
countenance, whatever is beneath its surface.

EUCLID. (_aside._) Curse his similes!

FANNY. (_aside._) I hates figurative language.

RECK. Gad! what a lumping I had in that basket--I feel quite knocked
up! (_aside._) A little refreshment--Euclid, my old friend, you know I
don't mind taking liberties with you--could you give me a glass of
wine?

FANNY. Yes, sir, I saw a bottle in the room where the bas--

EUCLID. Ah--h--hem! the store-room you mean. Fetch it.

[_Exit FANNY, R._

RECK. It will be rather acceptable, I assure you. I have just come off
a very unpleasant journey.

EUCLID. What? by the coach?

RECK. (_aside._) No, by the basket. You mentioned your wife. You are
married--and these are your lodgings?

EUCLID. For the present; I don't think I shall stay here.

RECK. Where shall you go then?

EUCLID. (_aside._) To Newgate, most likely. That, sir, depends
entirely upon circumstances.

_Enter FANNY with bottle and glass, R._

RECK. (_drinking._) Ha, ha! another--(_drinks._) very good--no, I
don't know that it is so very good. There's a queer twang in this
wine--have you ever noticed it?

EUCLID. No--you know I never touch wine.

RECK. Oh, I remember you patronise water. How queer I feel!

EUCLID. Patronise water! what do you mean by patronising water?
Oh--ha, ha! you mean I drink it.

RECK. Of course I do. Egad, I wish I had drank water instead of this
infernal stuff. I feel quite uncomfortable.

EUCLID. (_aside._) So do I.

FANNY. (_aside._) So do I.

RECK. Really, there was something wrong--

EUCLID. Nonsense--fancy--

RECK. (_puts his hand to his eyes._) There's a swimming--

(_EUCLID and FANNY run to window._

EUCLID. What is afloat?

RECK. Oh--h--h--I'm going! There was something wrong about that
wine--oh--wrong--very wrong--poison--wine--bad wine--poison! (_falls
senseless on the sofa. EUCLID and FANNY stare._)

FANNY. (_rubs her eyes._) What does this mean?

EUCLID. It means there's another victim. Oh, Fanny!

FANNY. Oh, sir!

EUCLID. (_smells._) There is something wrong in this wine.

FANNY. (_sobs._) Oh--h--h! Now I shall be hanged!

EUCLID. In all human probability. You have got two strings to your
bow. So shall I. What makes you pitch upon me for an accomplice?

FANNY. It was a mistake--oh--h!

EUCLID. But yours are such confounded mistakes. There's Mr. Basket in
the river--Reckless is here poisoned--you and I shall be hanged--that
makes four. We shall have seriously diminished the population.

FANNY. He had no business to want wine.

EUCLID. Dissipated wretch, to drink wine, except after dinner! How
intrusive to call on me--I did not ask him.

FANNY. What shall we do with him? Throw him out of the window after
Mr. Basket? Oh--

EUCLID. There are half a dozen boats passing. (_a double knock._) Oh,
there's a knock--they'll come up stairs!

FANNY. Oh, I shall faint!

EUCLID. At this crisis, stupid, thick headed girl! you must not faint
at this crisis--I want all your assistance. Lock the door. (_she locks
R. door._) We'll let him fall into the well of the sofa. (_they do so,
by pulling the mattress from under him. VOICES heard outside._)

HOLDFAST. (_without--knocking, R._) Euclid! Euclid!

MRS. FACILE. (_without, R._) Euclid! Euclid, my love!

FANNY. Oh dear, how heavy!

EUCLID. And there they are outside. There, put the mattress--that's
right--oh! Now I'll let them in.

FANNY. But Mrs. Facile must not find me locked up with you. You know
of what a queer turn of mind she is.

EUCLID. Well, here--(_takes cover off globe, and puts it on her head.
Takes up book._)

HOLD.    }
         } Euclid! Euclid!
MRS. F.  }

EUCLID. (_opens R. door._) Well, come in.

_Enter MR. HOLDFAST and MRS. FACILE, R._

MRS. F. Well sir, you hear us at last.

EUCLID. At last!--what did you call more than once, dear?

MRS. F. Once, indeed! we thought you had lost your hearing.

HOLD. Yes, and the door locked. The lady began to grow jealous. She
thought some one else might be locked in. Never mind, says I, there's
no murder going on.

MRS. F. But what were you doing, eh, dear?

EUCLID. Studying, to be sure--a new subject--how to make bodies occupy
the smallest space. Don't you see my book?

MRS. F. Yes, I see a book--upside down.

EUCLID. Eh? ahem! Ah, my dear, when you are so used to reading as I
am, you won't care which way a book stands.

MRS. F. And what's the matter?--you look as pale as a ghost.

EUCLID. Ghost!

HOLD. Ha! ha! ha! talking about ghosts, I expect my friend Fable. You
will be delighted with Fable--a strange fellow, who thinks a legend is
attached to every house--a firm believer in ghosts, goblins, and all
sorts of curiosities--and no wonder, for he himself is a greater
curiosity than all he believes in. But I hope we have not interrupted
your studies? We want your decision on a geographical discussion. I
maintain that Petersburgh is sixty degrees, north latitude--

MRS. F. Sixty-one and a half, my dear sir.

EUCLID. Sixty--

MRS. F. One and a half. Obstinate creature.

HOLD. Well, do not quarrel. Mr. Fergus Fable, my old friend's son,
will be here in a minute, and expects to find us a quiet family.

_Enter JULIA, R._

Here, Julia, you were at school last--what is the lattitude of
Petersburgh?

JULIA. I forget, I am sure--and the terrestial globe is gone to be
repaired. (_pointing to cover, which conceals FANNY._) It seems to
have come home.

HOLD. Take off the cover, Euclid.

EUCLID. (_aside._) Another incident! No, no--this globe is dreadfully
inaccurate--full of mistakes.

MRS. F. Nonsense, dear, it will do.

EUCLID. No, no, no.

JULIA. How very warm he is.

MRS. F. What is come to you? I may look at it, and will!

EUCLID. No, no; don't touch it!

MRS. F. But, Mr. Euclid, I insist--

HOLD. True, true--the globe was made to be looked at. Let us settle
our dispute.

EUCLID. The dispute will never be settled. (_MRS. FACILE advances
again to globe, EUCLID keeping her back; globe moves off, L._)

HOLD. Ha, ha, ha! the globe moves in an eccentric orbit--ha! ha!

MRS. F. I see it all; it is some evil creature concealed under the
globe cover! I'll follow it.

JULIA. So will I.

EUCLID. (_holding her back._) No, no, no!

HOLD. Ha! ha! ha!

_Enter FABLE, L. as they approach door._

Ah, Fable, my friend--how are you? You have come in time to meet--

EUCLID. A quiet family.

MRS. F. Sir, you are the murderer of--

EUCLID. Murderer--of what?

MRS. F. Of my happiness, sir.

EUCLID. Oh, that's all, is it? Ha! ha! that's nothing.

HOLD. Nay, Mr. Facile, you are going too far.

JULIA. He is getting a most horrid husband.

MRS. F. He'll break my heart! (_crying._)

FABLE. Crying, too! A charming family--and I seem to have called at a
crisis.

EUCLID. (_aside._) I have a thought! My dear, you know the gentleman
whom I threw--ahem!

MRS. F. Sir!

EUCLID. You know--the gentleman in the basket I mean.

MRS. F. Well?

EUCLID. (_aside._) He came in here--you lost him, you know--and
hearing Mr. Holdfast, I popped the cover on him--it was he. (_aside._)
I wish it had been!

MRS. F. Oh, is that all?--what a clever man you are, Euclid. That was
nothing, Mr. Holdfast--nothing at all.

HOLD. How very satisfactory!

MRS. F. Only a frolic of my husband's, funny little man. He meant to
astonish you.

HOLD. Egad, he succeeded, too! I never was so struck in my life!

FABLE. Nor I. I thought there was a legend attached to the house!

EUCLID. And yet, you see, you had doubts of my fidelity, when I was
only guilty of--(_aside._)--murder.

MRS. F. Do not be angry; you know appearances were against you.

HOLD. Well, what say you to a stroll on the banks of the river, while
supper is getting ready?

JULIA. Oh, delightful! this is the most romantic time, twilight.

FABLE. Yes, the very moment for a ghost story!

MRS. F. Come, Euclid--

FABLE. Well, then, come along, and I will tell you a most pleasant
story about the ghost of a man who was drowned near this spot.

[_Exeunt all but EUCLID, R._

EUCLID. Here I am alone at last. What an awful day I have had. Two
murders and a row! I wonder where my unfortunate accomplice is?

_Enter FANNY, L._

Ah, Fanny, heigho! How do you do, Fanny?

FANNY. Very ill, indeed, Mr. Facile; think of my nerves being in such
a weak state, from you know what.

EUCLID. Yes.

FANNY. And then my having to cut capers with that nasty thing over my
head; I should not wonder if I took to my bed and died.

EUCLID. Then you may think yourself very fortunate, I assure you. I
expect no such luck as to die in my bed.

FANNY. I tried to amuse myself; I took up an old volume of the Newgate
Calender.

EUCLID. Horrid book! It will be increased some pages soon, I dare say.

FANNY. It was about a man who murdered another man.

EUCLID. Only killed one man! A mere babe of innocence compared with
you and me; but I shall sit up all night, and you must do the same,
and we'll convey, you know what, out of here, and pitch it in the
river.

_Enter ROBERT, R., with cloth, knives, &c.; lays cloth._

Seem as if nothing had happened.

FANNY. Yes; but don't talk, Robert is looking.

ROBERT. Here, Fanny, help me to move this sofa. How remarkably heavy
it is; it feels heavier than usual.

FANNY. Heavy! I think it feels lighter than usual. Oh dear! there that
will do.

_Enter HOLDFAST, MRS. FACILE, JULIA, and FABLE, R. Exit ROBERT, L._

FABLE. A delightful family; the young lady evidently voted me a bore
every time I opened my mouth, and the old man calls ancient traditions
a humbug. (_aside._) Goths!

HOLD. You must be hungry, sir--have an appetite for your supper.

FABLE. Why, to tell you the truth, I am rather so; have not tasted a
morsel since one o'clock.

HOLD. Fortunate! we have a game supper to-night--grouse and ptarmigan,
which I think you'll enjoy.

FABLE. (_aside._) That's the first pleasant thing I've heard since I
came here.

EUCLID. (_aside._) But I have no appetite.

_Enter ROBERT, L._

ROBERT. (_entering._) Please, Mr. Fable, your man says there's not a
lodging to be had in the village.

HOLD. How unfortunate, and every bed here is occupied. (_FANNY, who is
going in and out with supper things, during this dialogue enters R.
with a tray._) Stop! I have it; that sofa will make up into a bed; you
shall have that. (_FANNY screams and drops the tray._)

FABLE. Capital family! servants drop the supper.

MRS. F. Careless slut, what did you drop the tray for?

FANNY. I tell you what, ma'am, I don't get no wages of you--you're
only a visitor, and I won't stand being talked to by you. So if you
attempts to blow me up, I'll give you a bit of my mind, more mayhap
than you like.

FABLE. There's another row! more quietness. Servants so civil--oh,
beautiful!

HOLD. Ha, ha, ha! a pretty business; it's too late to get anything.
Well, ladies and gents, I am very sorry--very sorry to send you
supperless to bed; but you see all the circumstances--the supper is
dropped, so I've no other course than to drop the subject.

FABLE. Splendid entertainment!

HOLD. We have nothing to do but to retire for the night, and leave
you, Fable, to repose on the sofa bed.

FANNY. Sir! Oh, oh!--sir, the sofa can't be made up--we have no bed.

EUCLID. (_aside._) Some good spirit inspired that thought--a reprieve.

FABLE. Oh, very well then, I'll lay down on the sofa as it is.
(_aside._) Charming accomodation!

HOLD. Why, my dear sir, I see no other course. I am very sorry you
came--

EUCLID. (_aside._) So am I.

HOLD. Under such awkward circumstances; always happy to see you, you
know.

MRS. F. Well, I think we may as well retire; don't you, Mr. Facile?

EUCLID. Ahem! My dear, I must--that is--yes, I must sit up rather
late, to finish a job I have in hand--an article for the Philosophical
Repository.

MRS. F. Ah, if your gallantry were equal to your philosophy, what a
different husband you would be.

[_Exeunt MRS. FACILE and JULIA, with candle, R._

HOLD. Good night; you will not find your night's rest spoiled by a hot
supper, Fergus, ha, ha, ha!

[_Exit, R._

EUCLID. (_whispers._) Fanny, as soon as he is asleep, you must come
here with me, bring your scissors, and we'll cut a certain gentleman
out of the side of the sofa; for we shall not be able to fish him up
while this fellow is asleep over him.

FANNY. Suppose we wake him.

EUCLID. Then we must kill him too.

[_Exit, R._

FABLE. Rather a pretty girl that! I'll talk to her. You need not hurry
yourself, my dear.

FANNY. I don't wish to keep you from sleeping, sir.

FABLE. I ain't at all sleepy.

FANNY. Horrid man! how inconvenient! (_aside._) You must be sleepy;
you ought to be sleepy; and the best thing you can do is, to go to
sleep as fast as you can, and continue sleeping as soundly as
possible.

[_Exit FANNY, R._

FABLE. I'll go to-morrow. Hang me if ever I met with such a family in
my life! (_lies down on sofa._) Such capering, quarrelling, blowing up
and fasting. Ugh! let me go to sleep and forget their existence.
(_EUCLID and FANNY are seen at the door R. with scissors and dark
lanthorn._) Charming family--supper dropped--(_dosing._)

EUCLID. He's going off.

FANNY. Yes, so shall I to-morrow. To _Merrikey_ most likely.

EUCLID. But now to business.

FANNY. Heigho! this is not making a business of a pleasure.

EUCLID. Look at his ugly face--he is asleep.

(_holds lanthorn in Fable's face._

FABLE. (_starting up and knocking lanthorn out of Euclid's hand with
his head._) What the devil is that? Oh, my head! There was a
flash--and a rap on the skull--and a jingle! What the devil can it
mean? (_stage dark._)

EUCLID. Now what shall we do? We are extinguished.

FANNY. Oh, my poor nerves! How thick-headed of the man to wake! We
shall never get the poor gentleman out.

FABLE. There is a kind of whispering noise. Egad! there must be a
legend attached to this house. I'm uncomfortable.

FANNY.   }
         }  So am I.
EUCLID.  }

EUCLID. We'll find the way out. Where's the door?

(_groping about--sneezes._

FABLE. The cat's in the room, sure. (_the mattress rises up and
down._) What on earth is this? there's something moves--there must be
a legend! Oh! keep quiet there!

FANNY. I can't find the door. Some one must have taken it off its
hinges.

EUCLID. Yes, and that cursed fellow is going to hallo.

(_RECKLESS darts up, throws the mattress, with FABLE on it, to a
considerable distance._

FABLE. Murder! the devil! thieves! fire! Mr. Holdfast!

_Enter HOLDFAST, with candle, R. EUCLID and FANNY throw their arms
round Reckless's neck._

HOLD. What an infernal noise! What is the meaning of all this? Three
hugging one another, and a fourth bawling out murder! Who the deuce is
this?

EUCLID. Oh, I forgot--you are not introduced. Mr. Holdfast, Mr.
Reckless--Mr. Reckless, Mr. Holdfast!

HOLD. Very proud--very happy. How the devil did he get here?

FANNY. You dear man, for keeping alive. Oh, you dear.

EUCLID. A particular friend of mine.

HOLD. A particular friend of Fanny's too, it seems? And what was the
matter with you, Fergus?

FABLE. Matter! Everything. Your sofa chucks people on the floor, Mr.
Holdfast.

(_bell rings._

HOLD. More visitors?

_Enter ROBERT, L._

ROBERT. A man wants to see Fanny Pepper. He has found a basket in the
river directed to--

FANNY. Send him away. I don't want it. Oh, I forgot that in my joy--I
forgot there was two of them. I will not have the basket.

EUCLID. No. Robert, kick the man down stairs and the basket after him.

HOLD. Nonsense! You don't know what's in the basket.

FANNY. Oh, but I do.

EUCLID. No, you don't.

FANNY. No, no--no more I do. But I hate baskets; they frightened me,
when a child, with a wicker-work rattle.

HOLD. It may be something valuable.

EUCLID. Well, what's that to us, if the girl don't want it? We have no
right to cram things down her throat.

TOM. (_without._) Mr. Reckless is here--I know he is.

RECK. That's my rascal's voice. I'm here.

_Enter TOM, drunk, L._

FANNY. That faithless Tom!

TOM. (_hiccups._) I've brought a letter, sir. (_gives letter._) I knew
you was here, 'cos you know I ha--ha-- And I know what the letter is
about, the bearer thereof told me thereof--old Guineamore is no more.

RECK. I am De Mowbray; my real name is Reckless. This letter will
convince you I have a handsome fortune at my disposal, if I may be
allowed to lay it at the feet of Miss Flighty.

EUCLID. Mowbray! Mowbray! here! You did not come in a basket, and see
my wife?

RECK. Yes, but I did though.

EUCLID. Then there's nobody killed, tol-de-rol! Fanny, there's nobody
killed.

_Enter MRS. FACILE and JULIA, R._

JULIA. De Mowbray!

RECK. Reckless, dear Julia, if you please.

HOLD. Yes, my dear, he is a gentleman of whom I approve, and you may
take him as soon as you please.

TOM. And, Fanny, we cannot do better than follow so good an example.
(_takes her hand._)

FABLE. A monstrous pleasant joke. Catch me here again in a hurry.

HOLD. What's all this about a basket?

EUCLID. Why this gentleman has been twice killed. I'll tell you all at
breakfast; now let us retire to rest after the troubles of this
eventful night, and contrive not to dream.

FANNY. At any rate not of bottles and baskets.

EUCLID. And now, ladies and gentlemen, that you've seen my friend,
Reckless "Twice Killed," let us hope that you will, at length, allow
him to live uninterruptedly--uninterruptedly, did I say? No; for if my
innocent delinquencies did serve to amuse you, I shall feel the
greatest pleasure in killing him twice more to-morrow.

TOM., FAN., MRS. F., EUC., JULIA, RECK., HOLD., FAB.
 R.                                              L.

CURTAIN.




Transcriber's Note

This transcription is based on images digitized by Google from a copy
made available by the Ohio State University and posted by the
HathiTrust at:

     catalog.hathitrust.org/Record/100593073

Because a few page scans had text cut off next to the margin, this
transcription has been compared with the text posted by the Victorian
Plays Project at:

     victorian.nuigalway.ie/modx/assets/docs/pdf/Vol24xivTwice.pdf

In general, this transcription attempts to retain the punctuation and
spelling of the source text. Variant spellings have been retained,
including "calender," "terrestial," "accomodation," and "dosing" (for
"dozing"), as have inconsistent spellings such as "lattitude" and
"latitude." Obvious errors have been corrected. The use of "its" and
"it's" has been made consistent.

The following changes were noted:

- Frontispiece: The punctuation of the caption text has been made
consistent with the script text.

- p. 3: though it's utility exceeds it's beauty--Changed "it's" to
"its" in both cases.

- p. 5: its very unkind of you--Changed "its" to "it's".

- p. 6: "X plus Y. equal to--"--Deleted the period after "Y".

- p. 8: [_MEN do so and exeunt., L. H._--Deleted the period after
"_exeunt_".

- p. 13: FANNY. (_screams,_) Oh!--Changed the comma after "_screams_"
to a period.

- p. 14: I was rowing past a quarter of ah hour ago.--Changed "ah" to
"an".

- p. 17: Mr. Feargus Fable, my old friend's son, will be here in a
minute--Changed "Feargus" to "Fergus" for consistency.

- p. 17: what is the lattitude of Petersburgh.--Changed the period
after "Petersburgh" to a question mark.

- p. 20: Careless slut, what did you drop the tray for:--Changed the
colon after "for" to a question mark.

- p. 21: always happy to see you, you know--Inserted a period after
"you know".

- p. 21: I must sit up rather rate, to finish a job--Changed "rate" to
"late".

- p. 24: TOM., FAN., MRS. F., EUC., JULIA., RECK., HOLD.,
FAB.--Deleted the period after "JULIA".






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