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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/4930-0.txt b/4930-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c9b2287 --- /dev/null +++ b/4930-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3912 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Paste Jewels, by John Kendrick Bangs + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most +other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + + + + +Title: Paste Jewels + Being Seven Tales of Domestic Woe + + +Author: John Kendrick Bangs + + + +Release Date: September 16, 2014 [eBook #4930] +[This file was first posted on 27 March 2002] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PASTE JEWELS*** + + +Transcribed from the 1897 Harper and Brothers edition by David Price, +email ccx074@pglaf.org + + [Picture: Book cover] + + [Picture: Jane] + + + + + + PASTE JEWELS + + + _Being Seven Tales of Domestic Woe_ + + * * * * * + + BY + JOHN KENDRICK BANGS + + “They also serve who only stand and wait.” + + [Picture: Decorative graphic] + + NEW YORK & LONDON + HARPER & BROTHERS PUBLISHERS + 1897 + + * * * * * + + TO + + E. L. N. + + * * * * * + + + + +PREFACE + + +IT may interest the readers of this collection of tales, if there should +be any such, to know that the incidents upon which the stories are based +are unfortunately wholly truthful. They have one and all come under the +author’s observation during the past ten years, and with the exception of +“Mr. Bradley’s Jewel,” concerning whom it is expressly stated that she +was employed through lack of other available material, not one of the +servants herein made famous or infamous, as the case may be, was employed +except upon presentation of references written by responsible persons +that could properly have been given only to domestics of the most +sterling character. It is this last fact that points the moral of the +tales here presented, if it does not adorn them. + + J. K. B. + +YONKERS, N. Y., 1897 + + + + +CONTENTS + + PAGE +THE EMANCIPATION OF THADDEUS 3 +MR. BRADLEY’S JEWEL 45 +UNEXPECTED POMP AT THE PERKINS’S 71 +AN OBJECT-LESSON 101 +THE CHRISTMAS GIFTS OF THADDEUS 123 +A STRANGE BANQUET 149 +JANE 181 + + + + +THE EMANCIPATION OF THADDEUS + + +THEY were very young, and possibly too amiable. Thaddeus was but +twenty-four and Bessie twenty-two when they twain, made one, walked down +the middle aisle of St. Peter’s together. + +Everybody remarked how amiable she looked even then; not that a bride on +her way out of church should look unamiable, of course, but we all know +how brides do look, as a rule, on such occasions—looks difficult of +analysis, but strangely suggestive of determined timidity, if there can +be such a quality expressed in the human face. It is the natural +expression of one who knows that she has taken the most important step of +her life, and, on turning to face those who have been bidden to witness +the ceremony, observes that the sacredness of the occasion is somewhat +marred by the presence in church of the unbidden curiosity-seekers, who +have come for much the same reason as that which prompts them to go to +the theatre—to enjoy the spectacle. But Bessie’s face showed nothing but +that intense amiability for which she had all her life long been noted; +and as for Thaddeus, he never ceased to smile from the moment he turned +and faced the congregation until the carriage door closed upon him and +his bride, and then, of course, he had to, his lips being otherwise +engaged. Indeed, Thaddeus’s amiability was his greatest vice. He had +never been known to be ill-natured in his life but once, and that was +during the week that Bessie had kept him in suspense while she was making +up her mind not to say “No” to an important proposition he had made—a +proposition, by-the-way, which resulted in this very ceremony, and was +largely responsible for the trials and tribulations which followed. + +Thaddeus was rich—that is, he had an income and a vocation; a charming +little home was awaiting their coming, off in a convenient suburb; and, +best of all, Bessie was an accomplished house-keeper, having studied +under the best mistresses of that art to be found in the country. And +even if she had not completely mastered the art of keeping house, +Thaddeus was confident that all would go well with them, for their +waitress was a jewel, inherited from Bessie’s mother, and the cook, +though somewhat advanced in years, was beyond cavil, having been known to +the family of Thaddeus for a longer period than Thaddeus himself had +been. The only uncertain quantity in the household was Norah, the +up-stairs girl, who was not only new, but auburn-haired and of Celtic +extraction. + +Under such circumstances did the young couple start in life, and many +there were who looked upon them with envy. At first, of course, the +household did not run as smoothly as it might have done—meals were late, +and served with less ceremony than either liked; but, as Bessie said, as +she and Thaddeus were finishing their breakfast one morning, “What could +you expect?” + +To which Thaddeus, with his customary smile, replied “What, indeed! We +get along much better than I really thought we should with old Ellen.” + +Old Ellen was the cook, and she had been known to Thaddeus as “Old Ellen” +even before his lips were able to utter the words. + +“Ellen has her ways, and Jane has hers,” said Bessie. “After Jane has +got accustomed to Ellen’s way of getting breakfast ready, she will know +better how to go about her own work. I think, perhaps, cook’s manner is +a little harsh. She made Jane cry about the omelet this morning; but +Jane is teary, anyhow.” + +“It wouldn’t do to have Ellen oily and Jane watery,” Thaddeus answered. +“They’d mix worse than ever then. We’re in pretty good luck as it is.” + +“I think so, too, Teddy,” Bessie replied; “but Jane is so foolish. She +might have known better than to send the square platter down to Ellen for +an omelet, when the omelet was five times as long as it was broad.” + +“You always had square omelets, though, at your house—that is, whenever I +was there you had,” said Thaddeus. “And I suppose Jane’s notion is that +as things happened under your mother’s régime, so they ought to happen +here.” + +“Possibly that was her notion,” replied Bessie; “but, then, in your +family the omelets were oblong, and Ellen is too old to depart from her +traditions. Old people get set in their ways, and as long as results are +satisfactory, we ought not to be captious about methods.” + +“No, indeed, we shouldn’t,” smiled Thaddeus; “but I don’t want you to +give in to Ellen to too great an extent, my dear. This is your home, and +not my mother’s, and your ways must be the ways of the house.” + +“Ellen is all right,” returned Bessie, “and I am so delighted to have +her, because, you know, Teddy dear, she knows what you like even better, +perhaps, than I do—naturally so, having grown up in your family.” + +“Reverse that, my dear. Our family grew up on Ellen. She set the +culinary pace at home. Mother always let her have her own way, and it +may be she is a little spoiled.” + +“Do you know, Teddy, I wonder that, having had Ellen for so many years, +your mother was willing to give her up.” + +“Oh, I can explain that,” Thaddeus answered. “I’m the youngest, you +know; the rest of the family were old enough to be weaned. Besides, +father was getting old, and he had a notion that the comforts of a hotel +were preferable to the discomforts of house-keeping. Father likes to eat +meals at all hours, and the annunciator system of hotel life, by which +you can summon anything in an instant, from a shower-bath to a feast of +terrapin, was rather pleasing to him. He was always an admirer of the +tales of the genii, and he regards the electric button in a +well-appointed hotel as the nearest approach to the famous Aladdin lamp +known to science. You press the button, and your genii do the rest.” + +“But a hotel isn’t home,” said Bessie. + +“A hotel isn’t this home,” answered Thaddeus. “Love in a cottage for me; +but, Bessie, perhaps you—perhaps it wouldn’t be a bad idea for you to +speak to Jane and Ellen this morning about their differences. I am an +hour late now.” + +Then Thaddeus kissed Bessie, and went down to business. + +On Thaddeus’s departure Bessie’s cheerfulness also deserted her, and for +the first time in her life she felt that it would do her good if she +could fly out at somebody—somebody, however, who was not endeared to the +heart of Thaddeus, or too intimately related to her own family, which +left no one but Norah upon whom to vent the displeasure that she felt. +Norah was, therefore, sought out, and requested rather peremptorily to +say how long it had been since she had dusted the parlor; to which Norah +was able truthfully to answer, “This mornin’, mim.” Whereupon Bessie’s +desire to be disagreeable departed, and saying that Norah could now clean +the second-story front-room windows, she withdrew to her own snug +sewing-room until luncheon should be served. She was just a trifle put +out with Norah for being so efficient. There is nothing so affronting to +a young house-keeper as the discovery that the inherited family jewels, +upon whom much reliance has been placed, are as paste alongside of the +newly acquired bauble from whom little was expected. It was almost +unkind in Norah, Bessie thought, to be so impeccably conscientious when +Jane and Ellen were developing eccentricities; but there was the +consoling thought that when they had all been together a month or two +longer, their eccentricities would so shape themselves that they would +fit into one another, and ultimately bind the little domestic structure +more firmly together. + +“Perhaps if I let them alone,” Bessie said to herself, “they’ll forget +their differences more quickly. I guess, on the whole, I will say +nothing about it.” + +That night, when Thaddeus came home, the first thing he said to his wife +was: “Well, I suppose you were awfully firm this morning, eh? Went down +into the kitchen and roared like a little tyrant, eh? I really was +afraid to read the paper on the way home. Didn’t know but what I’d read +of a ‘Horrid Accident in High Life. Mrs. Thaddeus Perkins’s Endeavor to +Maintain Discipline in the Household Results Fatally. Two Old Family +Servants Instantly Killed, and Three of the Kitchen Table Legs Broken by +a Domestic Explosion!’” + +“Be serious, Thaddeus,” said Bessie. + +And Thaddeus became instantly serious. “They—they haven’t left us, have +they?” he whispered, in an awe-struck tone. + +“No. I—I thought I’d let them fight it out between themselves,” replied +Bessie. “You see, Thaddeus, servants are queer, and do not like to have +their differences settled by others than themselves. It’ll work out all +right, if we let them alone.” + +“I don’t know but that you are right,” said Thaddeus, after a few moments +of thought. “They’re both sensible girls, and capable of fighting their +own battles. Let’s have dinner. I’m hungry as a bear.” + +It was half-past six o’clock, and the usual hour for dinner. At 8.10 +dinner was served. The intervening time was consumed by Jane and Ellen +endeavoring to settle their differences by the silent, sniffy method—that +is, Jane would sniff, and Ellen would be silent; and then Ellen would +sniff, and Jane would be silent. As for Thaddeus and Bessie, they were +amused rather than angry to have the dear little broiled chicken Bessie +had provided served on the large beef-platter; and when the pease came up +in a cut-glass salad-dish, Thaddeus laughed outright, but Bessie’s eyes +grew moist. It was too evident that Jane and Ellen were not on speaking +terms, and there was strong need for some one to break the ice. +Fortunately, Bessie’s mother called that evening, and some of her time +was spent below-stairs. What she said there only Ellen and Jane knew, +but it had its effect, and for two or three weeks the jewels worked +almost as satisfactorily as did Norah, the new girl, and quite +harmoniously. + +“Bessie,” said Thaddeus, one night as they ate their supper, “does it +occur to you that the roast is a little overdone to-night?” + +“Yes, Teddy, it is very much overdone. I must speak to Ellen about it. +She is a little careless about some things. I’ve told her several times +that you like your beef rare.” + +“Well, I’d tell her again. Constant dropping of water on its surface +will wear away a stone, and I think, perhaps, the constant dropping of an +idea on a cook’s head may wear away some of the thickest parts of that—at +least, until it is worn thin enough for the idea to get through to where +her brain ought to be. You might say to her, too, that for several +nights past dinner has been cold.” + +“I’ll speak to her in the morning,” was Bessie’s reply; and the dear +little woman was true to her purpose. + +“She explained about the beef and the cold dinner, Ted,” she said, when +Thaddeus came home that afternoon. + +“Satisfactorily to all hands, I hope?” said Thaddeus, with his usual +smile. + +“Yes, perfectly. In fact, I wonder we hadn’t thought of it ourselves. +In the old home, you know, the dinner-hour was six o’clock, while here it +is half-past six.” + +“What has that got to do with it?” asked Thaddeus. + +“How obtuse of you, Teddy!” exclaimed Bessie. “Don’t you see, the poor +old thing has been so used to six-o’clock dinners that she has everything +ready for us at six? And if we are half an hour late, of course things +get cold; or if they are kept in the oven, as was the case with the beef +last night, they are apt to be overdone?” + +“Why, of course. Ha! Ha! Wonder I didn’t think of that,” laughed +Thaddeus, though his mirth did seem a little forced. “But—she’s—she’s +going to change, I suppose?” + +“She said she’d try,” Bessie replied. “She was really so very nice about +it, I hadn’t the heart to scold her.” + +“I’m glad,” was all Thaddeus said, and during the rest of the meal he was +silent. Once or twice he seemed on the verge of saying something, but +apparently changed his mind. + +“Are you tired to-night, dear?” said Bessie, as the dessert was served. + +“No. Why?” said Thaddeus, shortly. + +“Oh, nothing. I thought you seemed a little so,” Bessie answered. “You +mustn’t work too hard down-town.” + +“No, my dear girl,” he said. “I won’t, and I don’t. I was thinking all +through dinner about those girls down-stairs. Perhaps—perhaps I had +better talk to them, eh? You are so awfully kind-hearted, and it does +seem to me as though they imposed a little on you, that’s all. The salad +to-night was atrocious. It should have been kept on the ice, instead of +which it comes to the table looking like a last year’s bouquet.” + +Bessie’s eyes grew watery. “I’m afraid it was my fault,” she said. “I +ought to have looked after the salad myself. I always did at home. I +suppose Jane got it out expecting me to prepare it.” + +“Oh, well, never mind,” said Thaddeus, desirous of soothing the troubled +soul of his wife. “I wouldn’t have mentioned it, only Jane does too much +thinking, in a thoughtless way, anyhow. Servants aren’t paid to think.” + +“I’ll tell you what, Thaddeus,” said Bessie, her spirits returning, “we +are just as much to blame as they are; we’ve taken too much for granted, +and so have they. Suppose we spend the evening putting together a set of +rules for the management of the house? It will be lots of fun, and +perhaps it will do the girls good. They ought to understand that while +our parents have had their ways—and reasonable ways—there is no reason +why we should not have our ways.” + +“In other words,” said Thaddeus, “what we want to draw up is a sort of +Declaration of Independence.” + +“That’s it, exactly,” Bessie replied. + +“Better get a slate and write them on that,” suggested Thaddeus, with a +broad grin. “Then we can rub out whatever Jane and Ellen don’t like.” + +“I hate you when you are sarcastic,” said Bessie, with a pout, and then +she ran for her pad and pencil. + +The evening was passed as she had suggested, and when they retired that +night the house of Perkins was provided with a constitution and by-laws. + +“I don’t suppose I shall recognize my surroundings when I get back home +to-night,” said Thaddeus, when he waked up in the morning. + +“Why not?” asked Bessie. “What strange transformation is there to be?” + +“The discipline will be so strict,” answered Thaddeus. “I presume you +will put those rules of ours into operation right away?” + +“I have been thinking about that,” said Bessie, after a moment. “You +see, Thad, there are a great many things about running a house that +neither you nor I are familiar with yet, and it seems to me that maybe +we’d better wait a little while before we impose these rules on the +girls; it would be awkward to have to make changes afterwards, you know.” + +“There is something in that,” said Thaddeus; “but, after all, not so much +as you seem to think. All rules have exceptions. I’ve no doubt that the +cook will take exception to most of them.” + +“That’s what I’m afraid of, and as she’s so old I kind of feel as if I +ought to respect her feelings a little more than we would Norah’s, for +instance. I can just tell you I shall make Norah stand around.” + +“I think it would be a good plan if you did,” said Thaddeus. “I’m afraid +Norah will die if you don’t. She works too hard to be a real +servant—real servants stand around so much, you know.” + +“Don’t be flippant, Thaddeus. This is a very serious matter. Norah is a +good girl, as you say. She works so much and so quickly that she really +makes me tired, and I’m constantly oppressed with the thought that she +may get through with whatever she is doing before I can think of +something else to occupy her time. But with her we need have none of the +feeling that we have with Jane and Ellen. She is young, and susceptible +to new impressions. She can fall in with new rules, while the other two +might chafe under them. Now, I say we wait until we find out if we +cannot let well enough alone, and not raise discord in our home.” + +“There never was an Eden without its serpent,” sighed Thaddeus. “I don’t +exactly like the idea of fitting our rules to their idiosyncrasies.” + +“It isn’t that, dear. I don’t want that, either; but neither do we wish +to unnecessarily hamper them in their work by demanding that they shall +do it our way.” + +“Oh, well, you are the President of the Republic,” said Thaddeus. “You +run matters to suit yourself, and I believe we’ll have the most +prosperous institution in the world before we know it. If it were a +business matter, I’d have those rules or die; but I suppose you can’t run +a house as you would a business concern. I guess you are right. Keep +the rules a week. Why not submit ’em to your mother first?” + +“I thought of that,” said Bessie. “But then it occurred to me that as +Ellen had served always under your mother, it would be better if we +consulted her.” + +“I don’t,” said Thaddeus. “She’d be sure to tell you not to have any +rules, or, if she didn’t, she would advise you to consult with the cook +in the matter, which would result in Ellen’s becoming President, and you +and I taxpayers. She used to run our old house, and now see the +consequences!” + +“What are the consequences?” asked Bessie. + +“Mother and father have been driven into a hotel, and the children have +all been married.” + +“That’s awful,” laughed Bessie. + +And so the rules were filed away for future reference. That they would +have remained on file for an indefinite period if Thaddeus had not asked +a friend to spend a few weeks with him, I do not doubt. Bessie grew +daily more mistrustful of their value, and Thaddeus himself preferred the +comfort of a quiet though somewhat irregular mode of living to the +turmoil likely to follow the imposition of obnoxious regulations upon the +aristocrats below-stairs. But the coming of Thaddeus’s friend made a +difference. + +The friend was an elderly man, with a business and a system. He was a +man, for instance, who all his life had breakfasted at seven, lunched at +one, and dined at six-thirty, of which Thaddeus was aware when he invited +him to make his suburban home his headquarters while his own house was +being renovated and his family abroad. Thaddeus was also aware that the +breakfast and dinner hours under Bessie’s régime were nominally those of +his friend, and so he was able to assure Mr. Liscomb that his coming +would in no way disturb the usual serenity of the domestic pond. The +trusting friend came. Breakfast number one was served fifteen minutes +after the hour, and for the first time in ten years Mr. Liscomb was late +in arriving at his office. He had not quite recovered from the chagrin +consequent upon his tardiness when that evening he sat down to dinner at +Thaddeus’s house, served an hour and ten minutes late, Ellen having been +summoned by wire to town to buy a pair of shoes for one of her sister’s +children, the sister herself suffering from poverty and toothache. + +“I hope you were not delayed seriously this morning, Mr. Liscomb,” said +Bessie, after dinner. + +“Oh no, not at all!” returned Liscomb, polite enough to tell an untruth, +although its opposite was also a part of his system. + +“Ellen must be more prompt with breakfast,” said Thaddeus. “Seven, +sharp, is the hour. Did you speak to her about it?” + +“No, but I intend to,” answered Bessie. “I’ll tell her the first thing +after breakfast to-morrow. I meant to have spoken about it to-day, but +when I got down-stairs she had gone out.” + +“Was it her day out?” + +“No; but her sister is sick, and she was sent for. It was all right. +She left word where she was going with Jane.” + +“That was very considerate of her,” said Liscomb, politely. + +“Yes,” said Bessie. “Ellen’s a splendid woman.” + +Later on in the evening, about half-past nine, when Mr. Liscomb, wearied +with the excitement of the first irregular day he had known from boyhood, +retired, Thaddeus took occasion to say: + +“Bessie, I think you’d better tell Ellen about having breakfast promptly +in the morning to-night, before we go to bed.” + +“Very well,” returned Bessie, “I’ll go down now and do it;” and down she +went. In a moment she was back. “The poor thing was so tired,” she +said, “that she went to bed as soon as dinner was cooked, so I couldn’t +tell her.” + +“Why didn’t you send up word to her by Jane?” + +“Oh, she _must_ be asleep by this time!” + +“Oh!” said Thaddeus. + +It was nine o’clock the next morning when Ellen opened her eyes. +Breakfast had been served a half-hour earlier, Jane and Bessie having +cooked some eggs, which Bessie ate alone, since Thaddeus and Liscomb were +compelled to take the eight-o’clock train to town, hungry and forlorn. +Liscomb was very good-natured about it to Thaddeus, but his book-keeper +had a woful tale to tell of his employer’s irritability when he returned +home that night. As for Thaddeus, he spoke his mind very plainly—to +Liscomb. Bessie never knew what he said, nor did any of the servants; +but he said it to Liscomb, and, as Liscomb remarked later, he seemed like +somebody else altogether while speaking, he was so fierce and determined +about it all. That night a telegram came from Liscomb, saying that he +had been unexpectedly delayed, and that, as there were several matters +requiring his attention at his own home, he thought he would not be up +again until Sunday. + +Bessie was relieved, and Thaddeus was mad. + +“We _must_ have those rules,” he said. + +And so they were brought out. Ellen received them with stolid +indifference; Jane with indignation, if the slamming of doors in various +parts of the house that day betokened anything. Norah accepted them +without a murmur. It made no difference to Norah on what day she swept +the parlor, nor did she seem to care very much because her “days at home” +were shifted, so that her day out was Friday instead of Thursday. + +“Has Ellen said anything about the rules, my dear?” asked Thaddeus, a +week or two later. + +“Not a word,” returned Bessie. + +“Has she ‘looked’ anything?” + +“Volumes,” Bessie answered. + +“Does she take exception to any of them?” + +“No,” said Bessie, “and I’ve discovered why, too. She hasn’t read them.” + +Thaddeus was silent for a minute. Then he said, quite firmly for him, +“She must read them.” + +“_Must_ is a strong word, Teddy,” Bessie replied, “particularly since +Ellen can’t read.” + +“Then you ought to read them to her.” + +“That’s what I think,” Bessie answered, amiably. “I’m going to do it +very soon—day after to-morrow, I guess.” + +“What has Jane said?” asked Thaddeus, biting his lip. + +Bessie colored. Jane had expressed herself with considerable force, and +Bessie had been a little afraid to tell Thaddeus what she had said and +done. + +“Oh, nothing much,” she answered. “She—she said she’d never worn caps +like a common servant, and wasn’t going to begin now; and then she didn’t +like having to clean the silver on Saturday afternoons, because the +silver-powder got into her finger-nails; and that really is too bad, +Teddy, because Saturday night is the night her friends come to call, and +silver-powder is awfully hard to get out of your nails, you know; and, of +course, a girl wants to appear neat and clean when she has callers.” + +“Of course,” said Thaddeus. “And I judge by the appearance of the brass +fenders that she doesn’t like to polish them up on Wednesday because it +gives her a backache on Thursday, which is her day out.” + +Bessie’s eyes took on their watery aspect again. + +“Do the fenders look so very badly, Ted?” she asked. + +“They’re atrocious,” said Thaddeus. + +“I’m sorry, dear; but I did my best. I polished them myself this +afternoon; Jane had to go to a funeral.” + +“Oh, my!” cried Thaddeus. “This subject’s too much for me. Let’s go +out—somewhere, anywhere—to a concert. Music hath its charms to soothe a +savage breast, and my breast is simply the very essence of wildness +to-night. Put on your things, Bess, and hurry, or I’ll suffocate.” + +Bessie did as she was told, and before ten o’clock the happy pair had +forgotten their woes, nor do I think they would have remembered them +again that night had they not found on their return home that they were +locked out. + +At this even the too amiable Bessie was angry—very angry—unjustly, as it +turned out afterwards. + +“They weren’t to blame, after all,” she explained to Thaddeus, when he +came home the next night. “I spoke to them about it, and they all +thought we’d spend the night with your mother and father at the Oxford.” + +“They’re a thoughtful lot,” said Thaddeus. + +And so time passed. The “treasures” did as they pleased; the dubious +auburn-haired Norah continued her aggravating efficiency. Bessie’s days +were spent in anticipation of an interview of an unpleasant nature with +Jane or Ellen “to-morrow.” Thaddeus’s former smile grew less +perpetual—that is, it was always visible when Bessie was before him, but +when Bessie was elsewhere, so also was the token of Thaddeus’s +amiability. He chafed under the tyranny, but it never occurred to him +but once that it would be well for him to interview Ellen and Jane; and +then, summoning them fiercely, he addressed them mildly, ended the +audience with a smile, and felt himself beneath their sway more than +ever. + +Then something happened. A day came and went, and the morrow thereof +found Thaddeus dethroned from even his nominal position of head of the +house. There was a young Thaddeus, an eight-pound Thaddeus, a round, +red-cheeked, bald-headed Thaddeus that looked more like the Thaddeus of +old than Thaddeus did himself; and then, at a period in which man feels +himself the least among the insignificant, did our hero find happiness +unalloyed once more, for to the pride of being a father was added the +satisfaction of seeing Jane and Ellen acknowledge a superior. Make no +mistake, you who read. It was not to Thaddeus junior that these gems +bowed down. It was to the good woman who came in to care for the little +one and his mother that they humbled themselves. + +“She’s great,” said Thaddeus to himself, as he watched Jane bustling +about to obey the command of the temporary mistress of the situation as +she had never bustled before. + +“She’s a second Elizabeth,” chuckled Thaddeus, as he listened to an order +passed down the dumb-waiter shaft from the stout empress of the moment to +the trembling queen of the kitchen. + +“She’s a little dictatorial,” whispered Thaddeus to his newspaper, when +the monarch of all she surveyed gave him _his_ orders. “But there are +times, even in a Republic like this, when a dictator is an advantage. I +hate to see a woman cry, but the way Jane wept at the routing Mrs. Brown +gave her this morning was a finer sight than Niagara.” + +But, alas! this happy state of affairs could not last forever. Thaddeus +was just beginning to get on easy terms with Mrs. Brown when she was +summoned elsewhere. + +“Change of heir is necessary for one in her profession,” sighed Thaddeus; +and then, when he thought of resuming the reins himself, he sighed again, +and wished that Mrs. Brown might have remained a fixture in the household +forever. “Still,” he added, more to comfort himself than because he had +any decided convictions to express—“still, a baby in the house will make +a difference, and Ellen and Jane will behave better now that Bessie’s +added responsibilities put them more upon their honor.” + +For a time Thaddeus’s prophecy was correct. Ellen and Jane did do better +for nearly two months, and then—but why repeat the old story? Then they +lapsed, that is all, and became more tyrannical than ever. Bessie was so +busy with little Ted that the household affairs outside of the nursery +came under their exclusive control. Thaddeus stood it—I was going to say +nobly, but I think it were better put ignobly—but he had a good excuse +for so doing. + +“A baby is an awful care to its mother,” he said; “a responsibility that +takes up her whole time and attention. I don’t think I’d better +complicate matters by getting into a row with the servants.” + +And so it went. A year and another year passed. The pretty home was +beginning to look old. The bloom of its youth had most improperly +faded—for surely a home should never fade—but there was the boy, a +growing delight to his father, so why complain? Better this easy-going +life than one of domestic contention. + +Then on a sudden the boy fell ill. The doctor came—shook his head +gravely. + +“You must take him to the sea-shore,” he said. “It is his only chance.” + +And to the sea-shore they went, leaving the house in charge of the +treasures. + +“I have confidence in you,” said Thaddeus to Jane and Ellen on the +morning of the departure, “so I have decided to leave the house open in +your care. Mrs. Perkins wants you to keep it as you would if she were +here. Whatever you need to make yourselves comfortable, you may get. +Good-bye.” + +“What a comfort it is,” said Bessie, when they had reached the sea-shore, +and were indulging in their first bit of that woful luxury, +homesickness—“what a comfort it is to feel that the girls are there to +look after things! An empty house is such a temptation to thieves.” + +“Yes,” said Thaddeus. “I hope they won’t entertain too much, though.” + +“Ellen and Jane are too old for that sort of thing,” Bessie answered. + +“How about Norah?” + +“Oh, I forgot to tell you. There was nothing really for Norah to do, so +I told her she could go off and stay with her mother on board-wages.” + +“Good!” said Thaddeus, with a pleased smile. “It isn’t a bad idea to +save, particularly when you are staying at the sea-shore.” + +In this contented frame of mind they lived for several weeks. The boy +grew stronger every day, and finally Thaddeus felt that the child was +well enough to warrant his running back home for a night, “just to see +how things were going.” That the girls were faithful, of course, he did +not doubt; the regularity with which letters addressed to him at home—and +they were numerous—reached him convinced him of that; but the hamper +containing the week’s wash, which Ellen and Jane were to send, and which +had been expected on Thursday of the preceding week, had failed for once +to arrive; the boy had worn one dress four days, Thaddeus’s collars were +getting low, and altogether he was just a little uneasy about things. So +he availed himself of his opportunity and went home, taking with him a +friend, in consideration of whom he telegraphed ahead to Ellen to prepare +a good breakfast, not caring for dinner, since he and his companion +expected to dine at the club and go to the theatre before going out to +his home. + +The result would have been fatal to Bessie’s peace of mind had she heard +of it during her absence from home. But Thaddeus never told her, until +it was a matter of ancient history, that when he arrived at home, a +little after midnight, he found the place deserted, and was compelled to +usher his friend in through the parlor window; that from top to bottom +the mansion gave evidence of not having seen a broom or a dust-brush +since the departure of the family; that Jane had not been seen in the +neighborhood for one full week—this came from those living on adjoining +property; that Ellen had been absent since early that morning, and was +not expected to return for three days; and, crowning act of infamy, that +he, Thaddeus, and his friend were compelled to breakfast next morning +upon a half of a custard pie, a bit mouldy, found by the lord of the +manor on the fast-melting remains of a cake of ice in the refrigerator. +Whether it would have happened if Thaddeus had not been accompanied by a +friend, whose laughter incited him to great deeds, or not I am not +prepared to say, but something important did happen. Thaddeus rose to +the occasion, and committed an act, and committed it thoroughly. The +Thaddeus of old, the meek, long-suffering, too amiable Thaddeus, +disappeared. The famous smile was given no chance to play. His wife was +absent, and the smile was far away with her. Thaddeus, with one fell +blow, burst his fetters and became free. + +That afternoon, when he had returned to the seaboard, Bessie asked him, +“How was the house?” + +“Beautiful,” said Thaddeus, quite truthfully; for it was. + +“Did Ellen say anything about the hamper?” + +“Not a word.” + +“Did you speak to her about it?” + +“Nope.” + +“Oh, Teddy! How could you forget it?” + +To the lasting honor of Thaddeus be it said that he bore up under this +unflinchingly. + +“Did you have a good breakfast, Ted?” Bessie asked, returning to the +subject later. + +“Very,” said Thaddeus, thinking of the hearty meal he and his +fellow-sufferer had eaten at the club after getting back to town. “We +had a tomato omelet, coffee, toast, rice cakes, tenderloin steak, and +grits.” + +“Dear me!” smiled Bessie; she was so glad her Teddy had been so well +treated. “All that? Ellen must have laid herself out.” + +“Yes,” said Thaddeus; “I think she did.” + + * * * * * + +All the following week Thaddeus seemed to have a load on his mind—a load +which he resolutely refused to share with his wife—and on Friday he found +it necessary to go up to town. + +“I thought this was your vacation,” remonstrated Bessie. + +“Well, so it is,” said Thaddeus. “But—but I’ve got one or two matters to +attend to—matters of very great importance—so that I think I’ll have to +go.” + +“If you must, you must,” said Bessie. “But I think it’s horrid of your +partner to make you go back to town this hot weather.” + +“Don’t be cross with my partner,” said Thaddeus; “especially my partner +in this matter.” + +“Have you different partners for different matters?” queried Bessie. + +“Never mind about that, my dear; you’ll know all about it in time, so +don’t worry.” + +“All right, Teddy. But I don’t like to have you running away from me +when I’m at a hotel. I’d rather be home, anyhow. Can’t I go with you? +Little Ted is well enough now to go home.” + +“Not this time; but you can go up next Wednesday if you wish,” returned +Thaddeus, with a slight show of embarrassment. + +And so it was settled, and Thaddeus went to town. On Wednesday they all +left the sea-shore to return to Phillipseburg. + +“Oh, how lovely it looks!” ejaculated Bessie, as she entered the house, +Norah having opened the door. “But—er—where’s Jane, Norah?” + +“Cookin’ the dinner, mim.” + +“Why, Jane can’t cook.” + +“If you please, mim, this is a new Jane.” + +Bessie’s parasol fell to the floor. “A wha-a-at?” she cried. + +“A new Jane. Misther Perkins has dispinsed with old Jane and Ellen, +mim.” + +Bessie rushed up-stairs to her room and cried. The shock was too sudden. +She longed for Thaddeus, who had remained at the station collecting the +bath-tubs and other luxuries of the baby from the luggage-van, to come. +What did it all mean? Jane and Ellen gone! New girls in their places! + +And then Thaddeus came, and made all plain to the little woman, and when +he was all through she was satisfied. He had discharged the tyrants, and +had supplied their places. The latter was the important business which +had taken him to town. + +“But, Teddy,” Bessie said, with a smile, when she had heard all, “how did +poor mild little you ever have the courage to face those two women and +give them their discharge?” + +Teddy blushed. “I didn’t,” he answered, meekly; “I wrote it.” + +Five years have passed since then, and all has gone well. Thaddeus has +remained free, and, as he proudly observes, domestics now tremble at his +approach—that is, all except Norah, who remembers him as of old. Ellen +and Jane are living together in affluence, having saved their wages for +nearly the whole of their term of “service.” Bessie is happy in the +possession of two fine boys, to whom all her attention—all save a little +reserved for Thaddeus—is given; and, as for the dubious, auburn-haired, +and distinctly Celtic Norah, Thaddeus is afraid that she is developing +into a “treasure.” + +“Why do you think so?” Bessie asked him, when he first expressed that +fear. + +“Oh, she has the symptoms,” returned Thaddeus. “She has taken three +nights off this week.” + + + + +MR. BRADLEY’S JEWEL + + +THADDEUS was tired, and, therefore, Thaddeus was grumpy. One premise +only was necessary for the conclusion—in fact, it was the only premise +upon which a conclusion involving Thaddeus’s grumpiness could find a +foothold. If Thaddeus felt rested, everything in the world could go +wrong and he would smile as sweetly as ever; but with the slightest trace +of weariness in his system the smile would fade, wrinkles would gather on +his forehead, and grumpiness set in whether things were right or wrong. +On this special occasion to which I refer, things were just wrong enough +to give him a decent excuse—outside of his weariness—for his irritation. +Norah, the housemaid, had officiously undertaken to cover up the +shortcomings of John, who should have blacked Thaddeus’s boots, and who +had taken his day off without preparing the extra pair which the lord of +the manor had expected to wear that evening. It was nice of the +housemaid, of course, to try to black the extra pair to keep John out of +trouble, but she might have been more discriminating. It was not +necessary for her to polish, until they shone like Claude Lorraine +glasses, two right boots, one of which, paradoxical as it may seem, was +consequently the wrong boot; so that when Thaddeus came to dress for the +evening’s diversion there was nowhere to be found in his shoe-box a bit +of leathern gear in which his left foot might appear in polite society to +advantage. Possibly Thaddeus might have endured the pain of a right boot +on a left foot, had not Norah unfortunately chosen for that member a +box-toed boot, while for the right she had selected one with a very +decided acute angle at its toe-end. + +“Just like a woman!” ejaculated Thaddeus, angrily. + +“Yes,” returned Bessie, missing Thaddeus’s point slightly. “It was very +thoughtful of Norah to look after John’s work, knowing how important it +was to you.” + +Fortunately Thaddeus was out of breath trying to shine up the other +pointed-toe shoe, so that his only reply to this was a look, which +Bessie, absorbed as she was in putting the studs in Thaddeus’s shirt, did +not see. If she had seen it, I doubt if she would have been so entirely +happy as the tender little song she was humming softly to herself seemed +to indicate that she was. + +“Some people are born lucky!” growled Thaddeus, as he finished rubbing up +the left boot, giving it a satin finish which hardly matched the luminous +brilliance of its mate, though he said it would do. “There’s Bradley, +now; he never has any domestic woes of this sort, and he pays just half +what we do for his servants.” + +“Oh, Mr. Bradley. I don’t like him!” ejaculated Bessie. “You are always +talking about Mr. Bradley, as if he had an automaton for a servant.” + +“No, I don’t say he has an automaton,” returned Thaddeus. “Automatons +don’t often work, and Bradley’s jewel does. Her name is Mary, but +Bradley always calls her his jewel.” + +“I’ve heard of jewels,” said Bessie, thinking of the two Thaddeus and she +had begun their married life with, “but they’ve always seemed to me to be +paste emeralds—awfully green, and not worth much.” + +“There’s no paste emerald about Bradley’s girl,” said Thaddeus. “Why, he +says that woman has been in Mrs. Bradley’s employ for seven weeks now, +and she hasn’t broken a bit of china; never sweeps dust under the beds or +bureaus; keeps the silver polished so that it looks as if it were solid; +gets up at six every morning; cooks well; is civil, sober, industrious; +has no hangers-on—” + +“Is Mr. Bradley a realist or a romancer?” asked Bessie. + +“Why do you ask that?” replied Thaddeus. + +“That jewel story sounds like an _Arabian Nights_ tale,” said Bessie. “I +don’t believe that it is more than half true, and that half is +exaggerated.” + +“Well, it _is_ true,” said Thaddeus. “And, what is more, the girl helps +in the washing, plays with the children, and on her days out she stays at +home and does sewing.” + +Bessie laughed. “She must be a regular Koh-i-noor,” she said. “I +suppose Mr. Bradley pays her a thousand dollars a month.” + +“No, he doesn’t; he pays her twelve,” said Thaddeus. + +“Then he is just what I said he was,” snapped Bessie—“a mean thing. The +idea—twelve dollars a month for all that! Why, if she could prove she +was all that you say she is, she could make ten times that amount by +exhibiting herself. She is a curiosity. But if I were Mrs. Bradley I +wouldn’t have her in the house. So many virtues piled one on the other +are sure to make an unsafe structure, and I believe some poor, miserable +little vice will crop out somewhere and upset the whole thing.” + +“You are jealous,” said Thaddeus; and then he went out. + +The next day, meeting his friend Bradley on the street, Thaddeus greeted +him with a smile, and said, “Mrs. Perkins thinks you ought to take up +literature.” + +“Why so?” asked Bradley. + +“She thinks De Foe and Scott and Dumas and Stevenson would be thrown into +the depths of oblivion if you were to write up that jewel of yours,” said +Thaddeus. “She thinks your Mary is one of the finest, most imaginative +creations of modern days.” + +“She doubts her existence, eh?” smiled Bradley. + +“Well, she thinks she’s more likely to be a myth than a Smith,” said +Thaddeus. “She told me to ask you if Mary has a twin-sister, and to say +that if you hear of her having any relatives at all—and no domestic ever +lived who hadn’t—to send her their addresses. She’d like to employ a +few.” + +“I am sorry Mrs. Perkins is so blinded by jealousy,” said Bradley, with a +smile. “And I regret to say that Mary hasn’t a cousin on the whole +police force, or, in fact, any kind of a relative whatsoever, unless she +prevaricates.” + +“Too bad,” said Thaddeus. “I had a vague hope we could stock up on +jewels of her kind. Where did you get her, anyhow—Tiffany’s?” + +“No. At an unintelligence office,” said Bradley. “She was a last +resort. We had to have some one, and she was the only girl there. We +took her for a week on trial without references, and, by Jove! she turned +out a wonder.” + +Thaddeus grinned, and said: “Give her time, Bradley. By-the-way, at what +hours is she on exhibition? I’d like to see her.” + +“Come up to-night and test the truth of what I say,” said Bradley. “I +won’t let anybody know you are coming, and you’ll see her just as we see +her. What do you say?” + +The temptation was too strong for Thaddeus to resist, and so it was that +Bessie received a telegram that afternoon from her beloved, stating that +he would dine with Bradley, and return home on a late train. The +telegram concluded with the line, “_I’m going to appraise the escaped +crown-jewel_.” + +Bessie chuckled at this, and stayed up until long after the arrival of +the last train, so interested was she to hear from Thaddeus all about the +Bradley jewel, who, as she said, “seemed too good to be true”; but she +was finally forced to retire disappointed and somewhat anxious, for +Thaddeus did not return home that night. + +Somewhere in the neighborhood of eight o’clock the next morning Bessie +received a second telegram, which read as follows: + +“_Do not worry_. _I am all right_. _Will be home about nine_, _Have +breakfast_.” + +“Now I wonder what on earth can have kept him?” Bessie said. “Something +has happened, I am sure. Perhaps an accident on the elevated, or maybe—” + +She did not finish the sentence, but rushed into the library and snatched +up the morning paper, scanning its every column in the expectation, if +not hope, of finding that some horrible disaster had occurred, in which +her Thaddeus might have been involved. The paper disclosed nothing of +the sort. Only a few commonplace murders, the usual assortment of +defalcations, baseball prophecies, and political prognostications could +Bessie discover therein. Never, in fact, had the newspaper seemed so +uninteresting—not even a bargain-counter announcement was there—and with +an impatient, petulant stamp of her little foot she threw the journal +from her and returned to the dining-room. It was then half-past eight, +and, hardly able to contain herself with excitement, Bessie sat down by +the window, and almost, if not quite, counted every swing of the pendulum +that pushed the hands of the clock on to the desired hour. She could not +eat, and not until curiosity was gratified as to what it was that had +detained Thaddeus, and that, more singular still, was bringing him home +instead of sending him to business at nine o’clock in the morning, could +she, in fact, do anything? + +Finally, the grinding sounds of carriage wheels on the gravel road +without were heard, and in an instant Bessie was at the door to welcome +the prodigal. And what a Thaddeus it was that came home that morning! +His eyes showed conclusively that he had had no sleep, save the more or +less unsatisfactory napping which suburban residents get on the trains. +His beautiful pearl-gray scarf, that so became him when he left home the +previous morning, was not anywhere in sight. His cheek was scratched, +and every button that his vest had ever known had taken wings unto itself +and flown, Bessie knew not whither. And yet, tired out as he was, +dishevelled as he was, Thaddeus was not grumpy, but inclined rather to +explosive laughter as he entered the house. + +“Why, Thaddeus!” cried Bessie, in alarm. “What on earth is the matter +with you? You look as if you had been in a riot.” + +“That’s a pretty good guess, my dear,” returned Thaddeus, with a laugh, +“but not quite the right one.” + +“But tell me, what have you been doing? Where have you been?” + +“At Bradley’s, my love.” + +“You haven’t been—been quarrelling with Mr. Bradley?” + +“No. Bradley’s jewel has proved your husband’s Waterloo, as well as the +Sedan of Bradley himself,” returned Thaddeus, throwing his head back and +bursting out into a loud guffaw. + +“I am not good at riddles, Thaddeus,” said Bessie, “and I haven’t laughed +much myself since that last train came in last night and didn’t bring +you. I think you might tell me—” + +“Why, my dear little girl,” said Thaddeus, walking to her side and +kissing her, “I didn’t mean to keep you in suspense, and of course I’ll +tell you.” + +Then, as they ate their breakfast, Thaddeus explained. “I told Bradley +that you were a sceptic on the subject of his jewel,” he said, “and he +offered to prove that she was eighteen carats fine by taking me home with +him, an unexpected guest, by which act he would test her value to my +satisfaction. Of course, having cast doubts upon her excellence, I had +to accept, and at half-past five he and I boarded an elevated train for +Harlem. At six we stood before Bradley’s front door, and as he had left +his keys at the office, he rang the bell and waited. It was a long wait, +considering the presence of a jewel within doors. It must have lasted +fifteen minutes, and even that would have been but the beginning, in +spite of repeated and continuous pulling of the bell-handle, had we not +determined to enter through the reception-room window.” + +“Did you try the basement door?” queried Bessie, with a smile, for it +pleased her to hear that the jewel was not quite flawless. + +“Yes,” said Thaddeus. “We rang four times at the basement, and I should +say seven times at the front door, and then we took to the window. +Bradley’s is one of those narrow English-basement houses with a small +yard in front, so that the reception-room window is easy to reach by +climbing over the vault leading to the basement door, which is more or +less of a cellar entrance. Fortunately the window was unlocked. I say +fortunately, because it enabled us to get into the house, though if I +were sitting on a jury I think I should base an indictment—one of +criminal negligence—of the Jewel on the fact that it was unlocked. It +was just the hour, you know, when policemen yawn and sneak-thieves +prowl.” + +“How careless!” vouchsafed Bessie. + +“Very,” said Thaddeus. “But this time it worked for the good of all +concerned, although my personal appearance doesn’t give any indication +that I gained anything by it. In fact, it would have been better for me +if the house had been hermetically sealed.” + +“Don’t dally so much, Thaddeus,” put in Bessie. “I’m anxious to hear +what happened.” + +“Well, of course Bradley was very much concerned,” continued Thaddeus. +“It was bad enough not to be able to attract the maid’s attention by +ringing, but when he noticed that the house was as dark as pitch, and +that despite the clanging of the bell, which could be heard all over the +neighborhood, even his wife didn’t come to the door, he was worried; and +he was more worried than ever when he got inside. We lit the gas in the +hall, and walked back into the dining-room, where we also lighted up, and +such confusion as was there you never saw! The table-cloth was in a heap +on the floor; Bradley’s candelabra, of which he was always so proud, were +bent and twisted out of shape under the table; glasses broken beyond +redemption were strewn round about; and a mixture of pepper, salt, and +sugar was over everything.” + +“‘I believe there have been thieves here,’ said Bradley, his face turning +white. And then he went to the foot of the stairs and called up to his +wife, but there no answer. + +“Then he started on a dead run up the stair. Above all was in confusion, +as in the dining-room. Vases were broken, pictures hung awry on the +walls; but nowhere was Mrs. Bradley or one of the Bradley children to be +seen. + +“Then we began a systematic search of the house. Everywhere everything +was upside-down, and finally we came to a door on the third story back, +leading into the children’s play-room, and as we turned the knob and +tried to open it we heard Mrs. Bradley’s voice from within. + +“‘Who’s there?’ she said, her voice all of a tremble. + +“‘It is I!’ returned Bradley. ‘Open the door. What is the meaning of +all this?’ + +“‘Oh, I’m so glad you have come!’ returned Mrs. Bradley, with a sob, and +then we heard sounds as of the moving of heavy furniture. Mrs. Bradley, +for some as yet unexplained reason, seemed to have barricaded herself in. + +“Finally the door was opened, and Mrs. Bradley buried her face on her +husband’s shoulder and sobbed hysterically. + +“‘What on earth is the matter?’ asked Bradley, as his children followed +their mother’s lead, except that they buried their faces in his coat-tail +pockets. ‘What has happened?’ + +“‘Mary!’ gasped Mrs. Bradley.” + +“The jewel?” asked Bessie. + +“The same,” returned Thaddeus, with a smile. “She was the jewel, alas! +now deprived of her former glorious setting. + +“‘What’s the matter with Mary?’ asked Bradley. + +“‘She’s been behaving outrageously. I found her this morning,’ said Mrs. +Bradley, ‘rummaging through my escritoire, throwing things all over the +floor; and when I remonstrated she said she was looking for a sheet of +paper on which to write a letter. I told her she should have asked me +for it, and she replied impertinently that she never asked favors of +anybody. I told her to leave the room, and she declined to do it, +picking up a sofa-pillow and throwing it at me. I was so overcome I +nearly fainted.’” + +“I should think she would have been overcome! Such impudence!” said +Bessie. + +“Humph!” said Thaddeus. “That isn’t a marker to what followed. Why, +according to Mrs. Bradley’s story, that escaped Koh-i-noor called her all +sorts of horrible names, threw an empty ink-pot at a photograph of +Bradley himself, that stood on the mantel, and then, grabbing up a +whisk-broom, literally swept everything else there was on the mantel off +to the floor with it. This done, she began to overturn chairs with an +ardor born of temper, apparently; and, finally, Mrs. Bradley got so +frightened that she ran from the room, and the jewel started in pursuit. +Straight to the nursery ran the lady of the house—for there was where the +children were, playing house, no doubt, with little idea that jewels +sometimes deteriorated. Once in the nursery, Mrs. Bradley slammed the +door to, locked it, and then, still fearful, rolled before it the bureau +and the children’s cribs. After that the actions of the jewel could only +be surmised. The door was pounded and the atmosphere of the hall was +rent with violent harangues; then a hurried step was heard as the jewel +presumably sailed below-stairs; then crashings were heard—crashings which +might have indicated the smashing of windows, of picture-glass, of +mirrors, chairs, and other household appurtenances, after which, Mrs. +Bradley observed, all became still.” + +“Mercy! what a trial!” said Bessie. + +“And was she locked up in the nursery all day?” + +“From twelve until we rescued her at a little after six,” said Thaddeus. +“Then Bradley and I started out to find the jewel, if possible, and I +regret to say that it was possible. We found her asleep on the kitchen +table, and Bradley hadn’t any more sense than to try and wake her up. He +succeeded too well. For the next ten minutes she was the most wide-awake +woman you ever saw, and she kept us wide awake too. The minute she +opened her eyes and saw us standing before her, she sprang to her feet +and made a rush at Bradley, for which he was totally unprepared, the +consequence of which was that in an instant he found himself sitting in a +very undignified manner, for the head of the house, on the kitchen floor, +trying to collect his somewhat scattered faculties. + +“When she had persuaded Bradley to take a seat, she turned to shower her +attentions on me. I jumped to one side, but she managed to grab hold of +my vest, and hence its buttonless condition. By this time Bradley was on +his feet again, and, having had the temerity to face his jewel the second +time, he again came off second best, losing one of the button-holes of +his collar in the mêlée. I rushed in from behind, and flirtatiously, +perhaps, tried to grab hold of her hands, coming off the field minus a +necktie, but plus that picturesque scratch you see on my nose. Stopping +a moment to count up my profit and loss, I let Bradley make the next +assault, which resulted in a drawn battle, Bradley losing his watch and +his temper, the jewel losing her breath and her balance. So it went on +for probably three or four minutes longer, though we certainly acquired +several years of experience in those short minutes, until finally we +managed to conquer her. This done, we locked her up in a closet.” + +“Had she been at the cooking-sherry?” asked Bessie. + +“We thought so at first, and Bradley sent for a policeman,” said Thaddeus +“but when he came we found the poor creature too exhausted to be moved, +and in a very short while Mrs. Bradley decided that it was a case for a +doctor and not for a police-justice. So the doctor was summoned, and we +waited, dinnerless, in the dining-room for his verdict, and finally it +came. _Bradley’s jewel was insane_!” + +“Insane!” echoed Bessie. + +“Mad as a hatter,” replied Thaddeus. + +“Well, I declare!” said Bessie, thoughtfully. “But, Thaddeus, do you +know I am not surprised.” + +“Why, my dear?” he asked. + +“Because, Teddy, she was too perfect to be in her right mind.” + +And Thaddeus, after thinking it all over, was inclined to believe that +Bessie was in the right. + +“Yes, Bess, she was perfect—perfect in the way she did her work, perfect +in the way she smashed things, and nowhere did she more successfully show +the thoroughness with which she did everything than when it came to +removing the buttons from my vest. Isn’t it too bad that the only +perfect servant that ever lived should turn out to be a hopeless maniac? +But I must hurry off, or I’ll miss my train.” + +“You are not going down to town to-day?” asked Bessie. + +“To-day, above all other days, am I going down,” returned Thaddeus. “I +am enough of a barbarian to be unwilling to lose the chance of seeing +Bradley, and asking him how he and his jewel get along.” + +“Thaddeus!” + +“Why not, my dear?” + +“It would be too mean for anything.” + +“Well, perhaps you are right. I guess I won’t. But he has rubbed it +into me so much about our domestics that I hate to lose the chance to hit +back.” + +“Has he?” said Bessie, her face flushing indignantly, and, it may be +added, becomingly. “In that case, perhaps, you might—ha! ha!—perhaps you +might telegraph and ask him.” + +And Thaddeus did so. As yet he has received no reply. + + + + +UNEXPECTED POMP AT THE PERKINS’S + + +“MY dear,” said Thaddeus, one night, as he and Mrs. Perkins entered the +library after dinner, “that was a very good dinner to-night. Don’t you +think so?” + +“All except the salmon,” said Bessie, with a smile. + +“Salmon?” echoed Thaddeus. “Salmon? I did not see any salmon.” + +“No,” said Bessie, “that was just the trouble. It didn’t come up, +although it was in the house before dinner, I’m certain. I saw it +arrive.” + +“Ellen couldn’t have known you intended it for dinner,” said Thaddeus. + +“Yes, she knew it was for dinner,” returned Bessie, “but she made a +mistake as to whose dinner it was for. She supposed it was bought for +the kitchen-table, and when I went down-stairs to inquire about it a few +minutes ago it was fulfilling its assumed mission nobly. There wasn’t +much left but the tail and one fin.” + +“Well!” ejaculated Thaddeus, “I call that a pretty cool proceeding. Did +you give her a talking to?” + +“No,” Bessie replied, shortly; “I despise a domestic fuss, so I pretended +I’d gone down to talk about breakfast. We’ll have breakfast an hour or +two earlier to-morrow, dear.” + +“What’s that for?” queried Thaddeus, his eyes open wide with +astonishment. “You are not going shopping, are you?” + +“No, Teddy, I’m not; but when I got down-stairs and realized that Ellen +had made the natural mistake of supposing the fish was for the +down-stairs dinner, this being Friday, I had to think of something to +say, and nothing would come except that we wanted breakfast at seven +instead of at eight. It doesn’t do to have servants suspect you of +spying upon them, nor is it wise ever to appear flustered—so mamma +says—in their presence. I avoided both by making Ellen believe I’d come +down to order an early breakfast.” + +“You are a great Bessie,” said Thaddeus, with a laugh. “I admire you +more than ever, my dear, and to prove it I’d get up to breakfast if you’d +ordered it at 1 A.M.” + +“You’d be more likely to stay up to it,” said Bessie, “and then go to bed +after it.” + +“There’s your Napoleonic mind again,” said Thaddeus. “I should never +have thought of that way out of it. But, Bess,” he continued, “when I +was praising to-night’s dinner I had a special object in view. I think +Ellen cooks well enough now to warrant us in giving a dinner, don’t you?” + +“Well, it all depends on what we have for dinner,” said Bessie. “Ellen’s +biscuits are atrocious, I think, and you know how lumpy the oatmeal +always is.” + +“Suppose we try giving a dinner with the oatmeal and biscuit courses left +out?” suggested Thaddeus, with a grin. + +Bessie’s eyes twinkled. “You make very bright after-dinner speeches, +Teddy,” she said. “I don’t see why we can’t have a dinner with nothing +but pretty china, your sparkling conversation, and a few flowers strewn +about. It would be particularly satisfactory to me.” + +“They’re not all angels like you, my dear,” Thaddeus returned. “There’s +Bradley, for instance. He’d die of starvation before we got to the +second course in a dinner of that kind, and if there is any one thing +that can cast a gloom over a dinner, it is to have one of the guests die +of starvation right in the middle of it.” + +“Mr. Bradley would never do so ungentlemanly a thing,” said Bessie, +laughing heartily. “He is too considerate a man for that; he’d starve in +silence and without ostentation.” + +“Why this sudden access of confidence in Bradley?” queried Thaddeus. “I +thought you didn’t like him?” + +“Neither I did, until that Sunday he spent with us,” Bessie answered. +“I’ve admired him intensely ever since. Don’t you remember, we had lemon +pie for dinner—one I made myself?” + +“Yes, I remember,” said Thaddeus; “but I fail to see the connection +between lemon pie and Bradley. Bradley is not sour or crusty.” + +“You wouldn’t have failed to see if you’d watched Mr. Bradley at dinner,” +retorted Bessie. “He ate two pieces of it.” + +“And just because a man eats two pieces of lemon pie prepared by your own +fair hands you whirl about, and, from utterly disliking him, call him, +upon the whole, one of the most admirable products of the human race?” +said Thaddeus. + +“Not at all,” Bessie replied, with a broad smile; “but I did admire the +spirit and politeness of the man. On our way home from church in the +morning we were talking about the good times children have on their +little picnics, and Mr. Bradley said he never enjoyed a picnic in his +life, because every one he had ever gone to was ruined by the baleful +influence of lemon pie.” + +Thaddeus laughed. “Then he didn’t like lemon pie?” he asked. + +“No, he hated it,” said Bessie, joining in the laugh. “He added that the +original receipt for it came out of Pandora’s box.” + +“Poor Bradley!” cried Thaddeus, throwing his head back in a paroxysm of +mirth. “Hated pie—declared his feelings—and then to be confronted by it +at dinner.” + +“He behaved nobly,” said Bessie. “Ate his first piece like a man, and +then called for a second, like a hero, when you remarked that it was of +my make.” + +“You ought to have told him it wasn’t necessary, Bess,” said Thaddeus. + +“I felt that way myself at first,” Bessie explained; “but then I thought +I wouldn’t let him know I remembered what he had said.” + +“I fancy that was better,” said Thaddeus. “But about that dinner. What +do you say to our inviting the Bradleys, Mr. and Mrs. Phillips, the +Robinsons, and the Twinings?” + +“How many does that make? Eight besides ourselves?” asked Bessie, +counting upon her fingers. + +“Yes—ten altogether,” said Thaddeus. + +“It can’t be done, dear,” said Bessie. “We have only eight fruit +plates.” + +“Can’t you and I go without fruit?” Thaddeus asked. + +“Not very well,” laughed Bessie. “It would never do.” + +“They might think the fruit was poisoned if we did, eh?” suggested +Thaddeus. + +“Besides, Mary never could serve dinner for ten; eight is her number. +Last time we had ten people, don’t you remember, she dropped a tray full +of dishes, and poured the claret into the champagne glasses?” + +“Oh, yes, so she did,” said Thaddeus. “That’s how we came to have only +eight fruit plates. I remember. I don’t think it was the number of +people at the table, though. It was Twining caused the trouble, he had +just made the pleasant remark that he wouldn’t have an Irish servant in +his house, when Mary fired the salute.” + +“Then that settles it,” said Bessie. “We’ll cut the Twinings out, and +ask the others. I don’t care much for Mrs. Twining, anyhow; she’s +nothing but clothes and fidgets.” + +“And Twining doesn’t do much but ask you what you think of certain +things, and then tell you you are all wrong when he finds out,” said +Thaddeus. “Yes, it’s just as well to cut them off this time. We’ll make +it for eight, and have it a week from Thursday night.” + +“That’s Mary’s night off,” said Bessie. + +“Then how about having it Friday?” + +“That’s Maggie’s night off, and there won’t be anybody to mind the baby.” + +“Humph!” said Thaddeus. “I wish there were a baby safe-deposit company +somewhere. Can’t your mother come over and look after him?” + +“No,” said Bessie, “she can’t. The child always develops something every +time mother comes. Not, of course, that I believe she gives it to him, +but she looks for things, don’t you know.” + +“Yes,” said Thaddeus, “I know. Then make it Wednesday. That’s my busy +day down-town, and I shan’t be able to get home much before half-past +six, but if dinner is at seven, there will be time enough for me to +dress.” + +“Very well,” said Bessie. “I will write the invitations to-morrow, and, +meanwhile, you and I can get up the menu.” + +“Oysters to begin with, of course,” said Thaddeus. + +“I suppose so,” said Bessie, “though, you remember, the last time we had +oysters you had to open them, because the man from the market didn’t get +here until half-past seven.” + +“And Ellen had never opened any except with a tack-hammer,” said +Thaddeus. “Yes, I remember. But lightning never strikes twice in the +same place. Put down the oysters. Then we’ll have some kind of a +purée—celery purée, eh?” + +“That will be very good if Ellen can be induced to keep it thick.” + +“Perhaps we’d better tell her we want a celery consommé,” suggested +Thaddeus. “Then it will be sure to be as thick as a dictionary.” + +“I guess it will be all right,” said Bessie. “What kind of fish?” + +“Bradley likes salmon; Robinson likes sole; Phillips likes whitebait, and +so do I.” + +“We’ll have whitebait,” said Bessie, simply. “Then a saddle of mutton?” + +“Yes, and an entrée of some kind, and next individual ruddy ducks.” + +“No Roman punch?” + +“We can get along without that, I think,” said Thaddeus. “We want to +keep this dinner down to Mary’s comprehension, and I’m afraid she +wouldn’t know what to make of an ice in the middle of the dinner. The +chances are she’d want to serve it hot.” + +“All right, Teddy. What next?” + +“I would suggest a lemon pie for Bradley,” smiled Thaddeus. + +“What do you say to Ellen’s making one of her tipsy-cakes?” suggested +Bessie. + +“Just the thing,” said Thaddeus, smacking his lips with enthusiasm. “I +could eat a million of ’em. Then we can finish up with coffee and +fruit.” + +So it was settled. The invitations were sent out, and Bessie devoted her +energies for the next ten days to making ready. + +Ellen’s culinary powers were tested at every meal. For dinner one night +she was requested to prepare the purée, which turned out to be eminently +satisfactory. Thaddeus gave her a few practical lessons in the art of +opening oysters, an art of which he had become a master in his college +days—in fact, if his own words were to be believed, it was the sole +accomplishment he had there acquired which gave any significance whatever +to his degree of B. A.—so that in case the “fish gentleman” failed to +appear in time nothing disastrous might result. Other things on the menu +were also ordered at various times, and all went so well that when +Thaddeus left home on the chosen Wednesday morning, it was with a serene +sense of good times ahead. The invited guests had accepted, and +everything was promising. + +As Thaddeus had said, Wednesday was his busy day, and never had it been +busier than upon this occasion. Everything moved smoothly, but there was +a great deal to move, and finally, when all was done, and Thaddeus rose +to leave his desk, it was nearly six o’clock, and quite impossible for +him to reach home before seven. “I shall be late,” he said, as he +hurried off; and he was right. He arrived at home coincidently with his +guests, rushed to his room, and dressed. But one glimpse had he of +Bessie, and that was as they passed on the stairs, she hurrying down to +receive her guests, he hurrying up to change his clothes. + +“Oh, Thad!” was all she said, but to Thaddeus it was disconcerting. + +“What is the matter, dear?” he asked. + +“Nothing; I’ll tell you later. Hurry,” she gasped, “or the dinner will +be spoiled.” + +Thaddeus hurried as he never hurried before, and in fifteen minutes +walked, immaculate as to attire, into the drawing-room, where Bessie, her +color heightened to an unusual degree, and her usually bright eyes fairly +flaming with an unwonted brilliance, was entertaining the Bradleys, the +Phillipses, and the Robinsons. + +“Didn’t expect me, did you?” said Thaddeus, as he entered the room. + +“No,” said Bradley, dryly. “This is an unexpected pleasure. I didn’t +even know you were a friend of the family.” + +“Well, I am,” said Thaddeus. “One of the oldest friends I’ve got, in +fact, which is my sole excuse for keeping you waiting. Old friends are +privileged—eh, Mrs. Robinson?” + +“Dinner is served,” came a deep bass voice from the middle of the +doorway. + +Thaddeus jumped as if he had seen a ghost, and, turning to see what could +have caused the strange metamorphosis in the soprano tremolo of Mary’s +voice, was astonished to observe in the parting of the portières not the +more or less portly Mary, but a huge, burly, English-looking man, bowing +in a most effective and graceful fashion to Mrs. Bradley, and then +straightening himself up into a pose as rigid and uncompromising as that +of a marble statue. + +“What on earth—” began Thaddeus, with a startled look of inquiry at +Bessie. But she only shook her head, and put her finger to her lips, +enjoining silence, which Thaddeus, fortunately, had the good sense to +understand, even if his mind was not equal to the fathoming of that other +mystery, the pompous and totally unexpected butler. + +But if Thaddeus was surprised to see the butler, he was amazed at the +dinner which the butler served. Surely, he thought, if Ellen can prepare +a dinner like this, she ought to be above taking sixteen dollars and a +home a month. It was simply a regal repast. The oysters were delicious, +and the purée was superior to anything Thaddeus had ever eaten in the +line of soups in his life—only it was lobster purée, and ten times better +than Ellen’s general run of celery purée. He winked his eye to denote +his extreme satisfaction to Bessie when he thought no one was looking, +but was overwhelmed with mortification when he observed that the wink had +been seen by the overpowering butler, who looked sternly at him, as much +as to say, “’Ow wery wulgar!” + +“I must congratulate your cook upon her lobster purée, Mrs. Perkins,” +said Mr. Phillips. “It is delicious.” + +“Yes,” put in Thaddeus. “But you ought to taste her celery purée. She +is undoubtedly great on purées.” + +Bessie coughed slightly and shook her head at Thaddeus, and Thaddeus +thought he detected the germ of a smile upon the cold face of the butler. +He was not sure about it, but it curdled his blood just a little, because +that ghost of a smile seemed to have just a tinge of a sneer in it. + +“This isn’t the same cook you had last time, is it?” asked Bradley. + +“Yes,” said Thaddeus. “Same one, though it was my wife who made that +lem—” + +“Thaddeus,” interrupted Bessie, “Mrs. Robinson tells me that she and Mr. +Robinson are going down to New York to the theatre on Friday night. +Can’t we all go?” + +“Certainly,” said Thaddeus. “I’m in on any little diversion of that +sort. Why, what’s this?—er—why, yes, of course. Phillips, you’ll go; +and you, too, eh, Bradley?” + +Thaddeus was evidently much upset again; for, instead of the whitebait he +and Bessie had decided upon for their fish course, the butler had +entered, bearing in a toplofty fashion a huge silver platter, upon which +lay a superb salmon, beautifully cooked and garnished. This he was now +holding before Thaddeus, and stood awaiting his nod of approval before +serving it. Inasmuch as Thaddeus not only expected whitebait, but had +also never before seen the silver platter, it is hardly surprising that +he should sit staring at the fish in a puzzled sort of way. He recovered +shortly, however, gave the nod the butler was waiting for, and the dinner +proceeded. And what a dinner it was! Each new course in turn amazed +Thaddeus far more than the course that had preceded it; and now, when the +butler, whom Thaddeus had got more or less used to, came in bearing a +bottle of wine, followed by another stolid, well-dressed person, who +might have been his twin-brother and who was in reality no more than +assistant to the other, Thaddeus began to fear that the wine he had +partaken of had brought about that duplication of sight which is said to +be one of the symptoms of over-indulgence. Either that or he was +dreaming, he thought; and the alternative was not a pleasant one, for +Thaddeus did not over-indulge, and as a person of intellect he did not +deem it the proper thing to dream at the dinner-table, since the first +requisite of dreaming is falling asleep. This Thaddeus never did in +polite society. + +To say that he could scarcely contain himself for curiosity to know what +had occurred to bring about this singular condition of affairs is to put +it with a mildness which justice to Thaddeus compels me to term criminal. +Yet, to his credit be it said, that through the whole of the repast, +which lasted for two hours, he kept silent, and but for a slight +nervousness of manner no one would have suspected that he was not as he +had always been. Indeed, to none of the party, not even excepting his +wife, did Thaddeus appear to be anything but what he should be. But +when, finally, the ladies had withdrawn and the men remained over the +coffee and cigars, he was compelled to undergo a still severer test upon +his loyalty to Bessie, whose signal to him to accept all and say nothing +he was so nobly obeying. + +Bradley began it. “I didn’t know you’d changed from women to men +servants, Perkins?” + +“_Yes_,” said Thaddeus “we’ve changed.” + +“Rather good change, don’t you think?” + +“Splendid,” said Phillips. “That fellow served the dinner like a +prince.” + +“I don’t believe he’s any more than a duke, though,” said Bradley. “His +manner was quite ducal—in fact, too ducal, if Perkins will let me +criticise. He made me feel like a poor, miserable, red-blooded son of +the people. I wanted an olive, and, by Jove, I didn’t dare ask for it.” + +“That wasn’t his fault,” said Robinson, with a laugh. “You forget that +you live in a country where red blood is as good as blue. Where did you +get him, Thaddeus?” + +Thaddeus looked like a rat in a corner with a row of cats to the fore. + +“Oh!—we—er—we got him from—dear me! I never can remember. Mrs. Perkins +can tell you, though,” he stammered. “She looks after the menagerie.” + +“What’s his name?” asked Phillips. + +Thaddeus’s mind was a blank. He could not for the life of him think what +name a butler would be likely to have, but in a moment he summoned up +nerve enough to speak. + +“Grimmins,” he said, desperately. + +“Sounds like a Dickens’ character,” said Robinson. “Does he cost you +very much, Thad?” + +“Oh no—not so very much,” said Thaddeus, whose case was now so desperate +that he resolved to put a stop to it all. Unfortunately, his method of +doing so was not by telling the truth, but by a flight of fancy in which +he felt he owed it to Bessie to indulge. + +“No—he doesn’t cost much,” he repeated, boldly. “Fact is, he is a man +we’ve known for a great many years. He—er—he used to be butler in my +grandfather’s house in Philadelphia, and—er—and I was there a great deal +of the time as a boy, and Grimmins and I were great friends. When my +grandfather died Grimmins disappeared, and until last month I never heard +a word of him, and then he wrote to me stating that he was out of work +and poor as a fifty-cent table-d’hôte dinner, and would like employment +at nominal wages if he could get a home with it. We were just getting +rid of our waitress, and so I offered Grimmins thirty a month, board, +lodging, and clothes. He came on; I gave him one of my old dress-suits, +set him to work, and there you are.” + +“I thought you said a minute ago Mrs. Perkins got him?” said Bradley, who +is one of those disagreeable men with a memory. + +“I thought you were talking about the cook,” said Thaddeus, uneasily. +“Weren’t you talking about the cook?” + +“No; but we ought to have been,” said Phillips, with enthusiasm. “She’s +the queen of cooks. What do you pay her?” + +“Sixteen,” said Thaddeus, glad to get back on the solid ground of truth +once more. + +“What?” cried Phillips. “Sixteen, and can cook like that? Take me down +and introduce me, will you, Perkins? I’d like to offer her seventeen to +come and cook for me.” + +“Let’s join the ladies,” said Thaddeus, abruptly. “There’s no use of our +wasting our sweetness upon each other.” + +If the head of the house had expected to be relieved from his unfortunate +embarrassments by joining the ladies, he was doomed to bitter +disappointment, for the conversation abandoned at the table was resumed +in the drawing-room. The dinner had been too much of a success to be +forgotten readily. + +Thaddeus’s troubles were set going again when he overheard Phillips +saying to Bessie, “Thaddeus has been telling us the remarkable story of +Grimmins.” + +Nor were his woes lightened any when he caught Bessie’s reply: “Indeed? +What story is that?” + +“Why, the story of the butler—Grimmins, you know. How you came to get +him, and all that,” said Phillips. “Really, you are to be +congratulated.” + +“I am glad to know you feel that way,” said Bessie, simply, with a glance +at Thaddeus which was full of wonderment. + +“He is a treasure,” said Bradley; “but your cook is a whole chestful of +treasures. And how fortunate you and Thaddeus are! The idea of there +being anywhere in the world a person of such ability in her vocation, and +so poor a notion of her worth!” + +Thaddeus breathed again, now that the cook was under discussion. He knew +all about her. + +“Yes, indeed,” said Bessie. “He did well.” + +“I mean the cook,” returned Bradley. “You mean she did well, don’t you?” + +What Bessie would have answered, or what Thaddeus would have done next if +the conversation had been continued, can be a matter of unprofitable +speculation only, for at this point a wail from above-stairs showed that +Master Perkins had awakened, and the ladies, considerate of Bessie’s +maternal feelings, promptly rose to take their leave, and in ten minutes +she and Thaddeus were alone. + +“What on earth is the story of Grimmins, Thaddeus?” she asked, as the +door closed upon the departing guests. + +Thaddeus threw himself wearily down upon the sofa and explained. He told +her all he had said about the butler and the cook. + +“That’s the story of Grimmins,” he said, when he had finished. + +“Oh, dear me, dear me!” cried Bessie, “you told the men that, and I—I, +Thaddeus, told the women the truth. Why, it’s—it’s awful. You’ll never +hear the end of it.” + +“Well, now that they know the truth, Bess,” Thaddeus said, “suppose you +let me into the secret. What on earth is the meaning of all this—two +butlers, silver platters, dinner fit for the gods, and all?” + +“It’s all because of the tipsy-cake,” said Bessie. + +“The what?” asked Thaddeus, sitting up and gazing at his wife as if he +questioned her sanity. + +“The tipsy-cake,” she repeated. “I gave Ellen the bottle of brandy you +gave me for the tipsy-cake, and—and she drank half of it.” + +“And the other half?” + +“Mary drank that. They got word this morning that their brother was very +ill, and it upset them so I don’t believe they knew what they were doing; +but at one o’clock, when I went down to lunch, there was no lunch ready, +and when I descended into the kitchen to find out why, I found that the +fire had gone out, and both girls were—both girls were asleep on the +cellar floor. They’re there yet—locked in; and all through dinner I was +afraid they might come to, and—make a rumpus.” + +“And the dinner?” said Thaddeus, a light breaking through into his +troubled mind. + +“I telegraphed to New York to Partinelli at once, telling him to serve a +dinner for eight here to-night, supplying service, cook, dinner, and +everything, and at four o’clock these men arrived and took possession. +It was the only thing I could do, Thad, wasn’t it?” + +“It was, Bess,” said Thaddeus, gravely. “It was great; but—by Jove, I +wish I’d known, because—Did you really tell the ladies the truth about +it?” + +“Yes, I did,” said Bessie. “They were so full of praises for everything +that I didn’t think it was fair for me to take all the credit of it, so I +told them the whole thing.” + +“That was right, too,” said Thaddeus; “but those fellows will never let +me hear the end of that infernal Grimmins story. I almost wish we—” + +“You wish what, Teddy dear?” + +“I almost wish we had not attempted the tipsy-cake, and had stuck to my +original suggestion,” said Thaddeus. + +“What was that?” Bessie asked. + +“To have lemon pie for dessert, for Bradley’s sake,” answered Thaddeus, +as he locked the front door and turned off the gas. + + + + +AN OBJECT-LESSON + + +IT was early in the autumn. Mr. and Mrs. Perkins, with their two +hopefuls, had returned from a month of rest at the mountains, and the +question of school for Thaddeus junior came up. + +“He is nearly six years old,” said Bessie, “and I think he is quite +intelligent enough to go to school, don’t you?” + +“Well, if you want my honest opinion,” Thaddeus answered, “I think he’s +intelligent enough to go without school for another year at least. I +don’t want a hot-house boy, and I have always been opposed to forcing +these little minds that we are called upon by circumstances to direct. +It seems to me that the thing for us to do is to hold them back, if +anything. If Teddy goes to school now, he’ll be ready for college when +he is twelve. He’ll be graduated at sixteen, and at twenty he’ll be +practising law. At twenty-five he’ll be leader of the bar; and then—what +will there be left for him to achieve at fifty? Absolutely nothing.” + +Mrs. Perkins laughed. “You have great hopes for Teddy, haven’t you?” + +“Certainly I have,” Thaddeus replied; “and why shouldn’t I? Doesn’t he +combine all my good qualities plus yours? How can he be anything else +than great?” + +“I am afraid there’s a touch of vanity in you,” said Mrs. Perkins, with a +smile. “That remark certainly indicates it.” + +“No—it’s not vanity in me,” said Thaddeus. “It’s confidence in you. +You’ve assured me so often of my perfection that I am beginning to +believe in it; and as for your perfection, I’ve always believed in it. +Hence, when I see Teddy combining your perfect qualities with my own, I +regard him as a supernaturally promising person—that is, I do until he +begins to show the influence of contact with the hired man, and uses +language which he never got from you or from me.” + +“Granting that he is great at twenty-five,” said Mrs. Perkins, after a +few moments’ reflection, “is that such a horrible thing?” + +“It isn’t for the parents of the successful youth, but for the successful +youth himself it’s something awful,” returned Thaddeus, with a convincing +shake of the head. “If no one ever lived beyond the age of thirty-five +it wouldn’t be so bad, but think of living to be even so young as sixty, +with a big reputation to sustain through more than half of that period! +I wouldn’t want to have to sustain a big name for twenty-five years. +Success entails conspicuousness, and conspicuousness makes error almost a +crime. Put your mind on it for a moment. Think of Teddy here. How +nervous it would make him in everything he undertook to feel that the +eyes of the world were upon him. And take into consideration that other +peculiarity of human nature which leads us all, you and me as well as +every one else, to believe that the man who does not progress is going +backward, that there is no such thing as standing still; then think of a +man illustrious enough for seventy at twenty-five—at the limit of +success, with all those years before him, and no progress possible! No, +my dear. Don’t let’s talk of school for Teddy yet.” + +“I am sure I don’t want to force him,” said Mrs. Perkins, “but it +sometimes seems to me that he needs lessons in discipline. I can’t be +following around after him all the time, and it seems to me some days +that I do nothing but find fault with him. I don’t want him to think I’m +a stern mother; and when he tells me, as he did yesterday, that he wishes +I’d take a vacation for a month, I can’t blame him.” + +“Did he tell you that?” asked Thaddeus, with a chuckle. + +“Yes, he did,” replied Mrs. Perkins. “I’d kept him in a chair for an +hour because he would tease Tommy, and when finally I let him go I told +him that he was wearing me out with his naughtiness. About an hour later +he came back and said, ‘You have an awful hard time bringin’ me up, don’t +you?’ I said yes, and added that he might spare me the necessity of +scolding him so often, to which he replied that he’d try, but thought it +would be better if I’d take a vacation for a month. He hadn’t much hope +for his own improvement.” + +Thaddeus shook internally. + +“He’s perfectly wild, too, at times,” Mrs. Perkins continued. “He wants +to do such fearful things. I caught him sliding down the banisters +yesterday head-foremost, and you know how he was at the Mountain House +all summer long. Perfectly irrepressible.” + +“That’s very true,” said Thaddeus. “I was speaking of it to the doctor +up there, and asked him what he thought I’d better do.” + +“And what did he say?” asked Mrs. Perkins. + +“He stated his firm belief that there was nothing you or I could do to +get him down to a basis, but thought Hagenbeck might accomplish +something.” + +“No doubt he thought that,” cried Bessie. “No doubt everybody thought +that, but it wasn’t entirely Teddy’s fault. If there is anything in the +world that is well calculated to demoralize an active-minded, able-bodied +child, it is hotel life. Teddy was egged on to all sorts of +indiscretions by everybody in the hotel, from the bell-boys up. If he’d +stand on his head on the cashier’s desk, the cashier would laugh first, +and then, to get rid of him, would suggest that he go into the +dining-room and play with the headwaiter; and when he upset the contents +of his bait-box in Mrs. Harkaway’s lap, she interfered when I scolded +him, and said she liked it. What can you do when people talk that way?” + +“Get him to upset his bait-box in her lap again,” said Thaddeus. “I +think if he had been encouraged to do that as a regular thing, every +morning for a week, she’d have changed her tune.” + +“Well, it all goes to prove one thing,” said Mrs. Perkins, “and that is, +Teddy needs more care than we can give him personally. We are too +lenient. Whenever you start in to punish him it ends up with a game; +when I do it, and he says something funny, as he always does, I have to +laugh.” + +“How about the ounce-of-prevention idea?” suggested Thaddeus. “We’ve let +him go without a nurse for a year now—why can’t we employ a maid to look +after him—not to boss him, but to keep an eye on him—to advise him, and, +in case he declines to accept the advice, to communicate with us at once? +All he needs is directed occupation. As he is at present, he directs his +own occupation, with the result that the things he does are of an +impossible sort.” + +“That means another servant for me to manage,” sighed Mrs. Perkins. + +“True; but a servant is easier to manage than Teddy. You can discharge a +servant if she becomes impossible. We’ve got Teddy for keeps,” said +Thaddeus. + +“Very well—so be it,” said Mrs. Perkins. “You are right, I guess, about +school. He ought not to be forced, and I’d be worried about him all the +time he was away, anyhow.” + +So it was decided that Teddy should have a nurse, and for a day or two +the subject was dropped. Later on Mrs. Perkins reopened it. + +“I’ve been thinking all day about Teddy’s nurse, Thaddeus,” she said, one +evening after dinner. “I think it would be nice if we got him a French +nurse. Then he could learn French without any forcing.” + +“Good scheme,” said Thaddeus. “I approve of that. We might learn a +little French from her ourselves, too.” + +“That’s what I thought,” said Bessie and that point was decided. The new +nurse was to be French, and the happy parents drew beatific visions of +the ease with which they should some day cope with Parisian hotel-keepers +and others in that longed-for period when they should find themselves +able, financially, to visit the French capital. + +But— + +Ah! Those buts that come into our lives! Conjunctions they are called! +Are they not rather terminals? Are they not the forerunners of chaos in +the best-laid plans of mankind? If for every “but” that destroys our +plan of action there were ready always some better-succeeding plan, then +might their conjunctive force seem more potent; as life goes, however, +unhappily, they are not always so provided, and the English “but” takes +on its Gallic significance, which leads the Frenchman to define it as +meaning “the end.” + +There was an object-lesson in store for the Perkinses. + +On the Sunday following the discussion with which this story opens, the +Perkinses, always hospitable, though distinctly unsociable so far as the +returning of visits went, received a visit from their friends the +Bradleys. Ordinarily a visit from one’s town friends is no very great +undertaking for a suburban host or hostess, but when the town friends +have children from whom they are inseparable, and those children have +nurses who, whithersoever the children go, go there also, such a visit +takes on proportions the stupendousness of which I, being myself a +suburban entertainer, would prefer not to discuss, fearing lest some of +my friends with families, recalling these words, might consider my +remarks of a personal nature. Let me be content with saying, therefore, +that when the Bradleys, Mr. and Mrs., plus Master and Miss, plus Harriet, +the English nurse, came to visit the Perkins homestead that Sunday, it +was a momentous occasion for the host and hostess, and, furthermore, like +many another momentous occasion, was far-reaching in its results. + +In short, it provided the Perkins family with that object-lesson to which +I have already alluded. + +The Bradleys arrived on Sunday night, and as they came late little Harry +Bradley and the still smaller Jennie Bradley were tired, and hence not at +all responsive to the welcomes of the Perkinses, large or small. They +were excessively reticent. When Mrs. Perkins, kneeling before Master +Harry, asked him the wholly unnecessary question, “Why, is this Harry?” +he refused wholly to reply; nor could the diminutive Jennie be induced to +say anything but “Yumps” in response to a similar question put to her, +“Yumps” being, it is to be presumed, a juvenilism for “Yes, ma’am.” +Hence it was that the object-lesson did not begin to develop until +breakfast on Sunday morning. The first step in the lesson was taken at +that important meal, when Master Harry observed, in stentorian yet +sweetly soprano tones: + +“Hi wants a glarse o’ milk.” + +To which his nurse, standing behind his chair to relieve the Perkinses’ +maid of the necessity of looking after the Bradley hopefuls, replied: + +“’Ush, ’Arry, ’ush! Wite till yer arsked.” + +Mrs. Bradley nodded approval to Harriet, and observed quietly to Mrs. +Perkins that Harriet was such a treasure; she kept the children so well +in subjection. + +The incident passed without making any impression upon the minds of any +but Thaddeus junior, who, taking his cue from Harry, vociferously +asserted that he, too, wished a glass of milk, and in such terms as made +the assertion tantamount to an ultimatum. + +Then Miss Jennie seemed to think it was her turn. + +“Hi doan’t care fer stike. Hi wants chickin,” said she. “I’n’t there +goin’ ter be no kikes?” + +Mrs. Perkins laughed, though I strongly suspect that Thaddeus junior +would have been sent from the table had he ventured to express a similar +sentiment. Mrs. Bradley blushed; Bradley looked severe; Perkins had that +expression which all parents have when other people’s children are +involved, and which implies the thought, “If you were mine there’d be +trouble; but since you are not mine, how cunning you are!” But Harriet, +the nurse, met the problem. She said: + +“Popper’s goin’ ter have stike, Jinnie; m’yby Mr. Perkins’ll give yer +lots o’ gryvy. Hit i’n’t time fer the kikes.” + +Perhaps I ought to say to those who have not studied dialect as “she is +spoke” that the word m’yby is the Seven Dials idiom for maybe, itself +more or less an Americanism, signifying “perhaps,” while “kikes” is a +controvertible term for cakes. + +After breakfast, as a matter of course, the senior members of both +families attended divine service, then came dinner, and after dinner the +usual matching of the children began. The hopefuls of Perkins were +matched against the scions of Bradley. All four were brought down-stairs +and into the parental presence in the library. + +“Your Harry is a fine fellow, Mrs. Bradley,” said Thaddeus. + +“Yes, we think Harry is a very nice boy,” returned Mrs. Bradley, with a +fond glance at the youth. + +“Wot djer si about me, mar?” asked Harry. + +“Nothing, dear,” replied Mrs. Bradley, raising her eyebrows reprovingly. + +“Yes, yer did, too,” retorted Harry. “Yer said as ’ow hi were a good +boy.” + +“Well, ’e i’n’t, then,” interjected Jennie. “’E’s a bloomin’ mean un. +’E took a knoife an’ cut open me doll.” + +“’Ush, Jinnie, ’ush!” put in the nurse. “Don’t yer tell tiles on ’Arry. +’E didn’t mean ter ’urt yer doll. ’Twas a haxident.” + +“No, ’twasn’t a haxident,” said Jennie. “’E done it a-purpice.” + +“Well, wot if hi did?” retorted Harry. “Didn’t yer pull the tile off me +rockin’-’orse?” + +“Well, never mind,” said Bradley, seeing how strained things were +getting. “Don’t quarrel about it now. It’s all done and gone, and I +dare say you were both a little to blame.” + +“’Hi war’n’t!” said Harry, and then the subject was dropped. The +children romped in and out through the library and halls for some time, +and the Bradleys and Perkinses compared notes on various points of +interest to both. After a while they again reverted to the subject of +their children. + +“Does Harry go to school?” asked Bessie. + +“No, we think he’s too young yet,” returned Mrs. Bradley. “He learns a +little of something every day from Harriet, who is really a very superior +girl. She is a good servant. She hasn’t been in this country very long, +and is English to the core, as you’ve probably noticed, not only in her +way of comporting herself, but in her accent.” + +“Yes, I’ve observed it,” said Bessie. “What does she teach him?” + +“Oh, she tells him stories that are more or less instructive, and she +reads to him. She’s taught him one or two pretty little songs—ballads, +you know—too. Harry has a sweet little voice. Harry, dear, won’t you +sing that song about Mrs. Henry Hawkins for mamma?” + +“Don’t warn’ter,” said Harry. “Hi’m sick o’ that bloomin’ old song.” + +“Seems to me I’ve heard it,” said Thaddeus. “As I remember it, Harry, it +was very pretty.” + +“It is,” said Bradley. “It’s the one you mean—‘Oh, ’Lizer! dear ’Lizer! +Mrs. ’Ennery ’Awkins.’ Harry sings it well, too; but I say, Thad, you +ought to hear the nurse sing it. It’s great.” + +“I should think it might be.” + +“She has the accent down fine, you know.” + +“Sort of born to it, eh?” + +“Yes; you can’t cultivate that accent and get it just right.” + +“I’ll do ‘Dear Old Dutch’ for yer,” suggested Harry. “Hi likes thet +better ’n ‘Mrs. ’Awkins.’” + +So Harry deserted “Mrs. ’Awkins” and sang that other pathetic +coster-ballad, “Dear Old Dutch,” and, to the credit of Harriet, the +nurse, it must be said that he was marvellously well instructed. It +could not have been done better had the small vocalist been the own son +of a London coster-monger instead of the scion of an American family of +refinement. + +Thus the day passed. Jennie proved herself quite as proficient in the +dialect of Seven Dials as was Harry, or even Harriet, and when she +consented to stand on a chair and recite a few nursery rhymes, there was +not an unnoticed “h” that she did not, sooner or later, pick up and +attach to some other word to which it was not related, as she went along. + +In short, as far as their speech was concerned, thanks to association +with Harriet, Jennie and Harry were as perfect little cockneys as ever +ignored an aspirate. + +The visit of the Bradleys, like all other things, came to an end, and +Bessie, Thaddeus, and the children were once more left to themselves. +Teddy junior, it was observed, after his day with Harry, developed a +slight tendency to misplace the letter “h” in his conversation, but it +was soon corrected, and things ran smoothly as of yore. Only—the Only +being the natural sequence of the But referred to some time since—Mr. and +Mrs. Perkins changed their minds about the French nurse, and it came +about in this way: + +“Thaddeus,” said Bessie, after the Bradleys had departed, “what is the +tile of a rockin’-’orse?” + +“I don’t know. Why?” asked Thaddeus. + +“Why, don’t you remember,” she said, “young Harry Bradley accused Jennie +of pulling out the tile of his rockin’-’orse?” + +“Oh yes! Ha, ha!” laughed Thaddeus. “So she did. I know now. Tile is +cockney for tail.” + +“Did you notice the accent those children had?” + +“Yes.” + +“All got from the nurse, too?” + +“True.” + +“Ah, Teddy, what do you think of our getting a French maid, after all? +Don’t you think that we’d run a great risk?” + +“Of what?” + +“Of having Ted speak—er—cockney French.” + +“H’m—yes. Very likely,” said Thaddeus. “I’d thought of that myself, +and, I guess, perhaps we’d better stick to Irish.” + +“So do I. We can correct any tendency to a brogue, don’t you think?” + +“Certainly,” said Thaddeus. “Or, if we couldn’t, it wouldn’t be fatal to +the boy’s prospects. It might even help him if he—” + +“Help him? If what?” + +“If he ever went into polities,” said Perkins. + +And that was the object-lesson which a kindly fate gave to the Perkinses +in time to prevent their engaging a French maid for the children. + +As to its value as a lesson, as to the value of its results, those who +are familiar with French as spoken by nurse-instructed youths can best +judge. + +I am not unduly familiar with that or any other kind of French, but I +have ideas in the matter. + + + + +THE CHRISTMAS GIFTS OF THADDEUS + + +THAT you may thoroughly comprehend how it happened that on last Christmas +Day Thaddeus meted out gifts of value so unprecedented to the domestics +of what he has come to call his “menagerie”—the term menage having seemed +to him totally inadequate to express the state of affairs in his +household—I must go back to the beginning of last autumn, and narrate a +few of the incidents that took place between that period and the season +of Peace on Earth and Good-will to Men. Should I not do so there would +be many, I doubt not, who would deem Thaddeus’s course unjustifiable, +especially when we are all agreed that Christmas Day should be for all +sorts and conditions of men the gladdest, happiest day of all the year. + +Thaddeus and Bessie and the little Thad had returned to their attractive +home after an absence of two months in a section of the Adirondacks +whither the march of civilization had not carried such comforts as gas, +good beds, and other luxuries, to which the little family had become so +accustomed that real camp-life, with its beds of balsam, lights of +tallow, and “fried coffee,” possessed no charms for them. They were all +renewed in spirit and quite ready to embark once more upon the troubled +seas of house-keeping; and, as they saw it on that first night at home, +their crew was a most excellent one. The cook rose almost to the exalted +level of a chef in the estimation of Thaddeus as course upon course, to +the number of seven, each made up of some delicacy of the season, came to +the table and received the indorsement which comes from total +consumption. They were well served, too, these courses; and the two +heads of the family, when Mary, the waitress, would enter the butler’s +pantry, leaving them alone and unobserved, nodded their satisfaction to +each other across the snow-white cloth, and by means of certain +well-established signals, such as shaking their own hands and winking the +left eye simultaneously, with an almost vicious jerk of the head, +silently congratulated themselves upon the prospects of a peaceful future +in a domestic sense. + +“That was just the best dinner I have had in centuries,” said Thaddeus, +as they adjourned to the library after the meal was over. “The broiled +chicken was so good, Bess, that for a moment I wished I were a bachelor +again, so that I could have it all; and after I got over my first feeling +of hesitation over the oysters, and realized that it was September with +an R—belated, it is true, but still there—and ate six of them, I think I +could have gone down-stairs and given cook a diamond ring with seven +solitaires in it and a receipted bill for a seal-skin sacque. I don’t +see how we ever could have thought of discharging her last June, do you?” + +“It was a good dinner,” said Bessie, discreetly ignoring the allusion to +their intentions in June; for she had a well-defined recollection that at +that time Bridget had given signs of emotional insanity every time she +was asked to prepare a five-o’clock breakfast for Thaddeus and his +friends, to the number of six, who had acquired the habit of going off on +little shooting trips every Saturday, making the home of Thaddeus their +headquarters over Sunday, when the game the huntsmen had bagged the day +before had to be plucked, cleaned, and cooked by her own hands for +dinner. “And it was nicely selected, too,” she added. “I sometimes +think that I’ll let Bridget do the ordering at the market.” + +“H’m! Well,” said Thaddeus, shaking his head dubiously, “I haven’t a +doubt that Bridget could do it, and would be very glad to do it; but I +don’t believe in setting a cook up in business.” + +“How do you mean?” + +“I mean that I haven’t any doubt that Bridget would in a very short time +become a highly successful produce-broker with bull tendencies. The +chicken market would be buoyant, and the quotations on the Stock Exchange +of, say, B., S., and P.-U.-C.—otherwise, Beef, Succotash, and +Picked-Up-Codfish—would rise to the highest point in years. Why, my +dear, by Christmas-time cook would have our surplus in her own +pocket-book; and in the place of the customary five oranges and an apple +she would receive from the butcher a Christmas-card in the shape of a +check of massive, if not graceful, proportions. No, Bess, I think the +old way is the best.” + +“Perhaps it is. By-the-way, John has kept the grounds looking well, +hasn’t he? The lawn doesn’t seem to have a weed on it,” said Bessie, +walking to the window and gazing out at the soft velvety sward in the +glow of twilight. + +“Yes, it looks pretty well; but there’s a small heap of stuff over there +near the fence which rather inclines me to believe that the weeds have +been pulled out within the last few days—in fact, since you wrote to +announce our return. John is an energetic man in an emergency, and I +haven’t a doubt he has been here at least once a week ever since we left. +I’ll keep a record of John this fall.” + +And so the two contented home-comers talked happily along, and when they +closed their eyes in sleep that night they were, upon the whole, very +well satisfied with life. + +Weeks elapsed, and with them some of the air-castles collapsed. Whether +custom staled the infinite variety of the cook’s virtues, and age +withered the efficiency of Mary, the waitress, or whether something was +really and radically wrong with the girls, Thaddeus and Bessie could not +make out. Certain it was, however, that by slow degrees the satisfaction +for which that first dinner seemed to stand as guarantor wore away, and +dissatisfaction entered the household. Mary developed a fondness for +church at most inconvenient hours—hours at which in fact, neither +Thaddeus nor Bessie had ever supposed church could be. That it was +eternal they both knew, but they had always supposed there were +intermissions. Then the cook’s family, which had hitherto been +moderately healthful, began to show signs of invalidism, though no such +calamity as actual dissolution ever set its devastating step within the +charmed circle of her relatives. Cousins fell ill whom she alone could +comfort; nephews developed maladies for which she alone could care; and, +according to Thaddeus’s record, John had been compelled on penalty of a +fine to attend the funerals of some twenty-four deceased intimate friends +in less than two months, although the newspapers contained no mention of +the existence of a possible epidemic in the Celtic quarter. It is true +that John showed a more pronounced desire to make his absence less +inconvenient to his employer than did Mary and the cook, by providing a +substitute when the Ancient Order of Funereal Hibernians compelled him to +desert the post of duty; but Thaddeus declared the “remedy worse than the +disease,” for the reason that John’s substitute—his own +brother-in-law—was a weaver by trade, whose baskets the public did not +appreciate, and whose manner of cutting grass in the early fall and of +tending furnace later on was atrocious. + +“If I could hire that man in summer,” Thaddeus remarked one night when +John’s substitute had “fixed” the furnace so that the library resembled a +cold-storage room, “I think we could make this house an arctic paradise. +He seems to have a genius for taking warmth by the neck and shaking +enough degrees of heat out of it to turn a conflagration into an iceberg. +I think I’ll tell the Fire Commissioners about him.” + +“He can’t compare with John,” was Bessie’s answer to this. + +“No. I think that’s why John sends him here when he is off riding in +carriages in honor of his deceased chums. By the side of Dennis, John is +a jewel.” + +“John is very faithful with the furnace,” said Bessie. “He never lets it +go down. Why, day before yesterday I turned off every register in the +house, and even then had to open all the windows to keep from +suffocating.” + +“But that wasn’t all John, my dear,” said Thaddeus. “The Weather Bureau +had something to do with it. It was a warm day for this season of the +year, anyhow. If John could combine the two businesses of selling coal +and feeding furnaces, I think he would become a millionaire. And, +by-the-way, I think you ought to speak to him, Bess, about the windows. +Since you gave him the work of window-cleaning to do, it is evident that +he thinks I have nothing to say in the matter, for he persistently +ignores my requests that he clean them in squares as they are made, and +not rub up a little circle in the middle, so that they look like blocks +of opalescent glass with plate-glass bulls’-eyes let into the centre. +Look at them now.” + +“Dennis did that. John had to go to Mount Vernon with his militia +company to-day.” + +“Dennis is well named, for his name is—But never mind. I’ll credit John +with his twelfth day off in four weeks.” + +From John to Bridget, in the matter of days off, was an easy step, though +such was Bessie’s consummate diplomacy that Thaddeus would probably have +continued in ignorance of the extent to which Bridget absented herself +had they not both taken occasion one day to visit some relatives in +Philadelphia, and on their return home at night found no dinner awaiting +them. + +“What’s the matter now?” asked Thaddeus, a little crossly, perhaps, for +visiting relatives in Philadelphia irritated him—possibly because he and +they did not agree in politics, and their assumption that Thaddeus’s +party was entirely made up of the ignorant and self-seeking was galling +to him. “Why isn’t dinner ready?” + +“Mary says that an hour after we left cook got a telegram from New York +saying that her brother was dying, and she had to go right off.” + +“I thought that brother was dying last week?” + +“No; that was her mother’s brother, he got well. This is another person +entirely.” + +“Naturally,” snapped Thaddeus. “But next time we get a cook let’s have +one whose relatives are all dead, or in the old country, where they can’t +be reached. I’m tired of this business.” + +“Well, you shouldn’t be cross with me about it, Thad,” said Bessie, with +a teary look in her eyes. “I have to put up with a great deal more of it +than you have, only you never know of it. Why, I’ve cooked one-half of +my own luncheons in the last month.” + +“And the dinners, too, I’ll wager,” growled Thaddeus. + +“No; she’s always got home for dinner heretofore.” + +“Well, we’ll keep a record-book for her, too, then. And we’ll be +generous with her. We’ll allow her just as I was allowed in +college—twenty-five per cent. in cuts. If she has twenty-five and a +fifth per cent. she goes.” + +“I don’t think I understand,” said Bessie. + +“Well, we’ll put it this way: There are thirty days in a month. That +means ninety meals a month. If she cooks sixty-seven and a half of them +she can stay; if she fails to cook the other twenty-two and a half she +can stay; but woe be unto her if she slips up by even so little as a +millionth part of the sixty-eighth!” + +“I don’t see how you can manage the half part of it.” + +“We’ll leave that to her,” said Thaddeus, firmly; “and, what is more, +we’ll put John and Mary on the same basis, and Dennis we won’t have on +any basis at all. A man who will take advantage of his brother’s absence +at a wake to black the shoes of that brother’s only employer with +stove-polish is not the kind of a man I want to have around.” + +“It will be a very good plan,” said Bessie, “for all except Mary. Her +absences she cannot well avoid. She has to go to church.” + +“How many times a week does she have to go?” queried Thaddeus. + +“She is required to go to confession.” + +“Well, let her reform, and then she’ll have nothing to go to confession +for. I don’t believe that’s where she goes, either. I notice that +one-half those evenings she takes off, permitting me to mind the front +door, and enabling us both to acquire proficiency in the art of helping +ourselves at dinner, there’s a fireman’s ball or a policeman’s hop or a +letter-carriers’ theatre party going on somewhere in the county, and it’s +my belief the worshipping she does on these occasions is at the shrine of +Terpsichore or that of Melpomene, which is a heathen custom and not to be +tolerated here. If she’s so fond of living in church we can quote to her +Hamlet’s advice to Ophelia—‘Get thee to a nunnery!’ Why, Bess, I was +mortified to death the other night when Bradley dined here, he’s all the +time bragging about his menagerie, and I tried to bluff him out and make +him believe we were waited on by angels in disguise, and you know what +happened. He came, saw, and I was regularly knocked out. You let us in; +we waited on ourselves; cook had prepared the seven-o’clock dinner at +five to give her a chance to go to the hospital to see her brother-in-law +with the measles; John had one of his Central-African fires on, and +Bradley’s laughing about it yet.” + +“Mr. Bradley was very disagreeable the other night, anyhow,” sniffed +Bessie. “He acted as if he were camping out!” + +“Well, I can’t honestly say I blame him for that,” retorted Thaddeus. +“It only needed a balsam bed and a hole in the roof to let the rain in on +him to complete the illusion.” + +Finally, December came, and the tendencies of absenteeism on the part of +the servants showed no signs of abatement. They were remonstrated with, +but it made no difference. They didn’t go out, they declared, because +they wanted to, but because they had to. Cook couldn’t let her relatives +go unattended. Mary’s religious scruples simply dragged her out of the +house, try as she would to stay in; and as for John, as long as Dennis +was on hand to take his place he couldn’t see why Mr. Perkins was +dissatisfied. To tell the truth, John had recently imbibed some more or +less capitalistic—or anticapitalistic—doctrines, and he was quite +incapable of understanding why, if a street-contractor, for instance, was +permitted by the laws of the land to sublet the work for which he had +contracted, he, John, should not be permitted to sublet his contract to +Dennis, piecemeal, or even as a whole, if he saw fit to do so. + +Thaddeus, seeing that Bessie was very much upset by the condition of +affairs, had said little about it since Thanksgiving Day, when he had +said about as much as the subject warranted after a six-course dinner had +been hurried through in one hour, two courses having been omitted that +Bridget might catch the train leaving for New York at 3.10. Nor would he +have said anything further than the final words of dismissal had he not +come home late one afternoon to dress for a dinner at his club, when he +discovered that, owing to the usual causes, the week’s wash, which the +combined efforts of cook and waitress should have finished that day, was +delayed twenty-four hours, the consequence being that Thaddeus had to +telephone to the haberdashery for a dress-shirt and collar. + +“It’s bad enough having one’s wife buy these things for one, but when it +comes to having a salesman sell you over a telephone the style of shirt +and collar ‘he always wears himself,’ it is maddening,” began Thaddeus, +and then he went on at such an outrageous rate that Bessie became +hysterical, and Thaddeus’s conscience would not permit of his going out +at all that night, and that was the beginning of the end. + +“I’ll fix ’em at Christmas-time,” said Thaddeus. + +“You won’t forget them at Christmas, I hope, Thad,” said Bessie, whose +forgiving nature would not hear of anything so ungenerous as forgetting +the servants during the holidays. + +“No,” laughed Thaddeus. “I won’t forget ’em. I’ll give ’em all the very +things they like best.” + +“Oh, I see,” smiled Bessie. “On the coals-of-fire principle. Well, I +shouldn’t wonder but it would work admirably. Perhaps they’ll be so +ashamed they’ll do better.” + +“Perhaps—if the coals do not burn too deep,” said Thaddeus, with a +significant smile. + +Christmas Eve arrived, and little Thad’s tree was dressed, the gifts were +arranged beneath it, and all seemed in readiness for the dawning of the +festal day, when Bessie, taking a mental inventory of the packages and +discovering nothing among them for the servants save her own usual +contribution of a dress and a pair of gloves for each, turned and said to +Thaddeus: + +“Where are the hot coals?” + +“The what?” asked Thaddeus. + +“The coals of fire for the girls and John.” + +“Oh!” Thaddeus replied, “I have ’em in the library. I don’t think +they’ll go well with the tree.” + +“What are they?” queried Bess, with a natural show of curiosity. +“Checks?” + +“Yes, partly,” said Thaddeus. “Mary is to have a check for $16, Bridget +one for $18, and John one for $40.” + +“Why, Thaddeus, that’s extravagant. Now, my dear, there’s no use of your +doing anything of that—” + +“Wait and see,” said Thaddeus. + +“But, Teddy!” Bessie remonstrated. “Those are the amounts of their +wages. You will spoil them, and if I—” + +“As I said before, wait, Bess, wait!” said Thaddeus, calmly. “You’ll +understand the whole scheme to-morrow, after breakfast.” + +And she did, and when she did she almost wished for a moment that she +didn’t, for after breakfast Thaddeus summoned the three offenders into +his presence, and the effect was not altogether free from painful +features to the forgiving Bess. + +“Bridget,” Thaddeus said, “do you remember what Mrs. Perkins gave you +last Christmas?” + +“I do not!” replied Bridget, rather uncompromisingly; for it was a matter +of history that she thought Mrs. Perkins on the last Christmas festival +had shown signs of parsimony in giving her a calico gown instead of one +of silk. + +“Well, you won’t forget next year what you got this,” said Thaddeus, +dryly. “Here is an envelope containing $18, the amount of your wages +until January 1st. Mary, what did you get last Christmas?” + +“A box of candy, sir.” + +“Nothing else?” + +“I believe there was a dress of some kind. I gave it to my cousin.” + +“Good. I am glad you were so generous. Here is an envelope for you. It +has $16 in it, your wages up to January 1st.” + +Bessie stood in the doorway, a mute witness to what seemed to her an +incomprehensible scene. + +“John, what did you get?” + +“Five dollars an’ a day off.” + +“And a two-dollar bill for Dennis, eh?” + +“Dennis got that.” + +“True. Well, John, here’s $40 for you—that pays you until January 1st. +Now, it strikes me that, considering the behavior of you three people, I +am very generous to pay you your wages a week in advance, but I am not +going to stop there. I have studied you all very carefully, and I’ve +tried to discover what it is you are fondest of. Cook and Mary do not +seem to care much for dresses, though I believe there are dresses and +gloves under the tree for them, which fact they will doubtless forget by +next Christmas Day. The five dollars and a day off John seems to +remember, though from his manner of recalling it I do not think his +remembrance is a very pleasing one. Now I’ve found out what it is you +all like the best, and I’m going to give it to you.” + +Here the trio endeavored to appear gracious, though they were manifestly +uneasy and a bit dissatisfied with what John would have called “the luks +of t’ings.” + +“Cook, from the 1st of January, may go to her relatives, and stay until +they’re every one of them restored to health, if it takes forty years. +Mary may consider herself presented with sixty years’ vacation without +pay; and for you, John, I have written this letter of recommendation to +the proprietors of a large undertaking establishment in New York, who +will, I trust, engage you as a chief mourner, or perhaps hearse-driver, +for the balance of your days. At any rate, you, too, after January 1st, +may consider yourself free to go to any funeral or militia exercises, or +anything else you may choose to honor with your presence, at your own +expense. You are all given leave of absence without pay until further +notice. I wish you a merry Christmas. Good-morning.” + +There were no farewells in the house that day; and inasmuch as there was +no Christmas dinner either, Thaddeus and Bessie did not miss the service +of the waitress, who, when last seen, was walking airily off towards the +station, accompanied by the indignant John and a bundle-laden cook. Next +day their trunks went also. + +“It was rather a hard thing to do on Christmas Day, Thaddeus,” said +Bessie, a little later. + +“Oh no,” quibbled Thaddeus. “It was very easy under the circumstances, +and quite appropriate. This is the time of peace on earth and good-will +to men. The only way for us to have peace on earth was to get rid of +those two women; and as for John, he has my good-will, now that he is no +longer in my employ.” + + + + +A STRANGE BANQUET + + +“THADDEUS,” said Bessie to her husband as they sat at breakfast one +morning, shortly after the royal banquet over which “Grimmins” had +presided, “did you hear anything strange in the house last night? +Something like a footstep in the hall?” + +“No,” said Thaddeus. “I slept like a top last night. I didn’t hear +anything. Did you?” + +“I thought so,” said Bessie. “About two o’clock I waked up with a start, +and while it may have been a sort of waking dream, I was almost certain I +heard a rustling sound out in the hall, and immediately after a creaking +on the stairs, as though there was somebody there.” + +“Well, why on earth didn’t you wake me, Bess?” returned Thaddeus. “I +could easily have decided the matter by getting up and investigating.” + +“That was why I didn’t wake you, Teddy. I’d a great deal rather lose the +silver or anything else in the house a burglar might want than have you +hit on the head with a sand-club,” said Bessie. “You men are too brave.” + +“Thank you,” said Thaddeus, with a smile, as he thought of a certain +discussion he had had not long before at the club, in which he and +several other brave men had reached the unanimous conclusion that the +best thing to do at dead of night, with burglars in the house, was to +crawl down under the bedclothes and snore as loudly as possible. +“Nevertheless, my dear, you should have told me.” + +“I will next time,” said Bessie. + +“Was anything in the house disturbed?” Thaddeus asked. + +“No,” said Bessie. “Not a thing, as far as I can find out. Mary says +that everything was all right when she came down, and the cook apparently +found things straight, because she hasn’t said anything.” + +So Thaddeus and Bessie made up their minds that the latter had been +dreaming, and that nothing was wrong. Two or three days later, however, +they changed their minds on the subject. There was something decidedly +wrong, but what it was they could not discover. They were both awakened +by a rustling sound in the hallway, outside of their room, and this time +there was a creak on the stairs that was unmistakable. + +“Don’t move, Thaddeus,” said Bessie, in a terrified whisper, as Thaddeus +made a brave effort to get up and personally investigate. “I wouldn’t +have you hurt for all the world, and there isn’t a thing down-stairs they +can take that we can’t afford to lose.” + +Thaddeus felt very much as Bessie did, and it would have pleased him much +better to lie quietly where he was than run the risk of an encounter with +thieves. He had been brave enough in the company of men to advocate +cowardice in an emergency of just this sort, but now that this same +course was advocated by his wife, he saw it in a different light. +Prudence was possible, cowardice was not. He must get up, and get up he +did; but before going out of his room he secured his revolver, which had +lain untouched and unloaded in his bureau-drawer for two years, and then +advanced cautiously to the head of the stairs and listened—Bessie +meanwhile having buried her face in her pillow as a possible means of +assuaging her fears. It is singular what a soothing effect a soft +feather pillow sometimes has upon the agitated nerves if the nose of the +agitated person is thrust far enough into its yielding surface. + +“Who is there?” cried Thaddeus, standing at the head of the stairs, his +knees all of a shake, but whether from fear or from cold, as an admirer +of Thaddeus I prefer not to state. + +Apparently the stage-whisper in which this challenge to a possible +burglar was uttered rendered it unavailing, for there was no reply; but +that there was some one below who could reply Thaddeus was now convinced, +for there were sounds in the library—sounds, however, suggestive of undue +attention to domestic duties rather than of that which fate has mapped +out for house-breakers. The library floor was apparently being swept. + +“That’s the biggest idiot of a burglar I’ve ever heard of,” said +Thaddeus, returning to his room. + +“Wh-wha-what, d-dud-dear?” mumbled Mrs. Perkins, burying her ear in the +pillow for comfort now that she was compelled to take her nose away so +that she might talk intelligibly. + +“I say that burglar must be an idiot,” repeated Thaddeus. “What do you +suppose he is doing now?” + +“Wh-wha-what, d-dud-dear?” asked Bessie, apparently unable to think of +any formula other than this in speaking, since this was the second time +she had used it. + +“He is sweeping the library.” + +“Then you must not go down,” cried Bessie, sitting up, and losing her +fear for a moment in her anxiety for her husband’s safety. “A burglar +you might manage, but a maniac—” + +“I must go, Bess,” said Thaddeus, firmly. + +“Then I’m going with you,” said Mrs. Perkins, with equal firmness. + +“Now, Bess, don’t be foolish,” returned Thaddeus, his face assuming a +graver expression than his wife had ever seen there. “This is my work, +and it is none of yours. I positively forbid you to stir out of this +room. I shall be very careful, and you need have no concern for me. I +shall go down the backstairs and around by the porch, and peep in through +the library window first. The moonlight will be sufficient to enable me +to see all that is necessary.” + +“Very well,” acquiesced Bessie, “only do be careful.” + +Thaddeus donned his long bath-robe, put on his slippers, and started to +descend. The stairs were so dark that he could with difficulty +proceed—and perhaps it was just as well for Thaddeus that they were. If +there had been light enough for him to see two great glaring eyes that +stared at him through that darkness out from the passageway at the foot +of the stairs, upon which he turned his back when he went out upon the +porch, it is not unlikely that a very serious climax to his strange +experience would have been reached then and there. As it was, he saw +nothing, but kept straight ahead, stepped noiselessly out upon the +piazza, crept stealthily along in the soft light of the moon, until he +reached the library window. There he stopped and listened. All was +still within—so still that the beating of his heart seemed like the +hammering of a sledge upon an anvil by contrast. Then, raising himself +cautiously upon his toes, he peered through the window into the room, the +greater part of which was made visible by the wealth of the moon’s light +streaming into it. + +“Humph!” said Thaddeus, after he had directed his searching gaze into +every corner. “There isn’t anybody there at all. Most incomprehensible +thing I ever heard of.” + +Rising, he walked back to the piazza door, and went thence boldly into +the library and lit the gas. His piazza observations were then verified, +for the room was devoid of life, save for Thaddeus’s own presence; but +upon the floor before the hearth was a broom, and there were evidences +also that the sweeping sounds he had heard had been caused by no less an +instrument than this, for in the corner of the fireplace was a heap of +dust, cigar ashes, and scraps of paper, which Thaddeus remembered had +been upon the hearth in greater or less quantity when he had turned out +the gas to retire a few hours before. + +“This is a serious matter,” he said to himself. “Something is wrong, and +I doubt if there have been burglars in the house; but I can ascertain +that without trouble. If the doors and windows are all secure the +trouble is internal.” + +Every accessible door and window on the basement and first floor was +examined, and, with the exception of the piazza door, which Thaddeus +remembered to have unlocked himself a few minutes before, every lock was +fastened. The disturbance had come from within. + +“And Bess must never know it,” said he; “it would worry her to death.” +And then came a thought to Thaddeus’s mind that almost stopped the +beating of his heart. “Unless she has discovered it in my absence,” he +gasped. In an instant he was mounting the stairs to hasten to Bessie’s +side, as though some terrible thing were pursuing him. + +“Well, what was it, Ted?” she asked, as he entered the room. + +Perkins gave a sigh of relief. All was safe enough above-stairs at +least. + +“Nothing much,” said Thaddeus, in a moment. “There is no one below.” + +“But what could it have been?” + +“I haven’t the slightest idea,” said Thaddeus, “unless it was a stray cat +in the house. The sweeping sound may have been caused by a cat +scratching its collar—or purring—or—or—something. At any rate, things +appear to be all right, my dear, so let’s go to sleep.” + +Thaddeus’s assumed confidence in the rightness of everything, rather than +his explanations, was convincing to Mrs. Perkins, and in a very short +while she was sleeping the sleep of the just and serene; but to +Thaddeus’s eye there came no more sleep that night, and when morning came +he rose unrefreshed. There were two problems confronting him. The first +was to solve the mystery of the swept library floor; the second was to do +this without arousing his wife’s suspicions that anything was wrong. To +do the first he deemed it necessary to remain at home that day, which was +easy, for Thaddeus was more or less independent of office-work. + +“I’m glad you’re not going down,” said Mrs. Perkins, when he announced +his intention of remaining at home. “You will be able to make up for +your loss of sleep last night.” + +“Yes,” said Thaddeus. “It’s the only thing I can do, I’m so played out.” + +Breakfast passed off pleasantly in spite of a great drawback—the steak +was burned almost to a crisp, and the fried potatoes were like chips of +wood. + +“Margaret seems to be unfamiliar with the art of cooking this morning,” +said Thaddeus. + +“So it would seem,” said Bessie. “This steak is horrible.” + +“The worst part of it is,” said Thaddeus, “she has erred on the wrong +side. If the steak were underdone it wouldn’t be so bad. Isn’t it a +pity Edison can’t invent a machine to rarefy an overdone steak?” + +“That would be a fine idea,” smiled Bessie. “And to take a Saratoga chip +and make it less like a chip off a granite block.” + +“I don’t mind the potatoes so much,” said Thaddeus. “I can break them up +in a bowl of milk and secure a gastronomic novelty that, suitably +seasoned, isn’t at all bad, but the steak is hopeless.” + +“Maybe she heard that cat last night, and thought it was a burglar, just +as we did,” Bessie suggested. “I can’t account for a breakfast like this +in any other way, can you?” + +“No,” said Thaddeus, shortly, and then he had an idea; and when Thaddeus +had an idea he was apt to become extremely reticent. + +“Poor Thad!” thought Bessie, as she noted his sudden change of demeanor. +“He can’t stand loss of sleep.” + +The morning was spent by Thaddeus in the “noble pastime of snooping,” as +he called it. The house was searched by him in a casual sort of way from +top to bottom for a clew to the mystery, but without avail. Several +times he went below to the cellar, ostensibly to inspect his coal supply, +really to observe the demeanor of Margaret, the cook. Barring an unusual +pallor upon her cheek, she appeared to be as she always had been; but +with the waitress it was different. Mary was evidently excited over +something, but over what Thaddeus could not, of course, determine at that +time. Later in the day, however, the cause of her perturbation came out, +and Thaddeus’s effort to keep Bessie from anxiety over the occurrence of +the night before was rendered unavailing. It was at luncheon. The table +was set in a most peculiar fashion. The only china upon it was from an +old set which had been discarded a year previous to the time of this +story, and Bessie naturally wanted to know why, and the waitress broke +down. + +“It’s—it’s all we have, ma’am,” said she, her eyes filling with tears. + +“All we have?” echoed Mrs. Perkins in surprise. “Why, what do you mean? +Where is the other set?” + +“I don’t know,” protested the waitress. + +“You don’t know?” said Thaddeus, taking the matter in hand. “Why don’t +you know? Isn’t the china a part of your care?” + +“Yes, sir,” replied the maid, “but—it’s gone, sir, and I don’t know +where.” + +“When did you miss it?” asked Thaddeus. + +“Not until I came to set the table for lunch.” + +“Was it in its proper place at breakfast-time?” + +“I didn’t notice, sir. The breakfast dishes were all there, but I don’t +remember seeing the other plates. I didn’t think to look.” + +“Then it wasn’t a cat,” said Bessie, sinking back into her chair; “we +have been robbed.” + +“Well, it’s the first time on record, I guess, that thieves have ever +robbed a man of his china,” said Thaddeus, calmly. “Have you looked for +the plates?” he added, addressing the waitress. + +“No, sir,” she replied, simply. “Where could I look?” + +“That’s so—where?” said Bessie. “There isn’t much use looking for dishes +when they disappear like that. They aren’t like whisk-brooms or +button-hooks to be mislaid easily. We have been robbed; that’s all there +is about that.” + +“Oh, well,” said Thaddeus, “let’s eat lunch, and see about it +afterwards.” + +This was quite easy to say, but to eat under the circumstances was too +much for either of the young householders. The luncheon left the table +practically untouched; and when it was over Thaddeus called his man into +the house, wrote a note to the police-station, asking for an officer in +citizen’s clothes at once, and despatched it by him, with the injunction +to let very little grass grow under his feet on the way down to +headquarters. He then summoned the waitress into the library. + +“Have you said anything to Margaret about the china?” he asked. + +“Yes, sir,” she replied. + +“What did you say?” + +“I told her as how wasn’t it funny the way it had went, sir.” + +“And what did she say?” + +“Nothing, sir. Only she seemed to think it was funny, because she +laughed.” + +“And what did you say then?” + +“Nothing, Mr. Perkins. Margaret and me have very little conversation, +because she don’t fancy me, and prefers talkin’ to herself like.” + +“H’m!” said Thaddeus. “Talks to herself, does she?” + +“All the time, sir,” returned the waitress, “and she seems very fond of +it, sir. She laughs, and says things, and then laughs again. She does +it by the hour.” + +“How long has this been going on?” + +“About a week, sir. I noticed it first last time I had my day out. I +didn’t get in until nearly eleven o’clock, and I found her sitting at the +table havin’ supper and talkin’ and laughin’ like as though there was +folks around.” + +“She was entirely alone, was she?” asked Thaddeus. + +“Yes, sir.” + +“What did you do when you came in?” + +“I said ‘Hello’ to her and sat down opposite to her at the table, where +there was a place set, and I told her I was glad she had something to eat +and a place set for me, because I hadn’t had any supper and I was hungry, +sir.” + +“Did she make any reply?” + +“No, sir. She looked at me kind of indignant, and turned out the gas and +went up to bed, leaving me in the dark.” + +Thaddeus’s brow grew thoughtful again. It wrinkled into a half-dozen +lines as he asked: + +“Why didn’t you speak of this before?” + +“It ain’t for me to be telling tales, Mr. Perkins,” she said. “All cooks +as I’ve lived with is queer like, and I didn’t think any more about it.” + +“All right,” said Thaddeus. “You may go. Only, Mary, don’t speak of the +plates again to Margaret. Say as little to her as you can, in fact, +about anything. If you notice anything queer, report to me at once.” + +The waitress left the room, and Thaddeus turned to his desk. It was +plain from his appearance that light was beginning to be let in on places +that up to this point had been more or less dark to him, although, as a +matter of fact, he could not in any way account for the mystery of the +vanished plates any more than he could for the sweeping of the library in +the still hours of the night. He had an idea as to who the culprit was, +and what that idea was is plain enough to us, but the question of motive +was the great puzzle to him now. + +“If she did take them, why should she?” was the problem he was trying to +solve; and then, as if his trials were not already great enough for one +day, Bessie broke excitedly into the room. + +“Thaddeus!” she cried, “there’s something wrong in this house; my best +table-cloth is missing, our dessert-spoons are gone, and what do you +suppose has happened?” + +“I don’t know—a volcano has developed in the cellar, I suppose,” said +Thaddeus. + +“No,” said Bessie, “it isn’t as bad as that; but the ice-cream man has +telephoned up to know whether we want the cream for dinner or for eleven +o’clock, according to the order as he understands it.” + +“Well,” said Thaddeus, “I don’t see anything very unusual in an ice-cream +man’s needing to be told three or four times what is expected of him.” + +“But I never ordered any cream at all,” said Bessie. + +“Ah,” said Thaddeus, “that’s different. Did you tell Partinelli so?” + +“I did, and he said he was sure he wasn’t mistaken, because he had taken +the order himself.” + +“From you?” + +“No, from Margaret.” + +“Then it’s all right,” said Thaddeus; “it’s a clew that fits very nicely +into my theory of our recent household disturbances. If you will wait, I +think things will begin to develop very shortly, and then we shall be +able to dismiss this indictment against the cat we thought we heard last +night.” + +“Do you think Margaret is dishonest?” + +“I don’t know,” said Thaddeus. “I shouldn’t be surprised if she had +friends with taking ways; in other words, my dear, I suspect that +Margaret is in league with people outside of this house who profit by her +mistaken notions as to how to be generous; but I can’t prove it yet.” + +“But what are you going to do?” + +“Set a watch. I have sent for a detective,” said Thaddeus. + +This was too much for Bessie. She was simply overcome, and she sat +squarely down upon the arm-chair, which fortunately was immediately +behind her. I think that if it had not been, she would have plumped down +upon the floor. + +“Detective!” she gasped. + +“Exactly,” said Thaddeus, “and here he comes,” he added, as a carriage +was driven up to the door and one of the citizen police descended +therefrom. + +“You would better leave us to talk over this matter together,” said +Thaddeus, as he hastened to the door. “We shall be able to manage it +entirely, and the details might make you nervous.” + +“I couldn’t be more nervous than I am,” said Bessie; “but I’ll leave you +just the same.” + +Whereupon she went to her room, and Thaddeus, for an hour, was closeted +with the detective, to which he detailed the whole story. + +“It’s one of the two,” said the latter, when Thaddeus had finished, “and +I agree with you it is more likely to be the cook than the waitress. If +it was the waitress, she couldn’t have stood your examination as well as +you say she did. Perhaps I’d better see her, though, and talk to her +myself.” + +“No, I shouldn’t,” said Thaddeus “we’ll pass you off as a business +acquaintance of mine up from town, and you can stay all night and watch +developments.” + +So it was arranged. The detective was introduced into the family as a +correspondent of Thaddeus’s firm, and he settled down to watch the +household. Afternoon and evening went by without developments, and at +about eleven o’clock every light in the house was extinguished, and the +whole family, from the head of the house to the cook, had apparently +retired. + +At half-past eleven, however, there were decided signs of life within the +walls of Thaddeus’s home. The clew was working satisfactorily, and the +complete revelation of the mystery was close at hand. + +The remainder of the narrative can best be told in the words of the +detective: + +“When Mr. Perkins sent for me,” he said, “and told me all that had +happened, I made up my mind that he had a servant in his house for whom +the police had been on the lookout for some time. I thought she was a +certain Helen Malony, alias Bridget O’Shaughnessy, alias many other +names, who was nothing more nor less than the agent of a clever band of +thieves who had lifted thousands of dollars of swag in the line of +household silver, valuable books, diamonds, and other things from private +houses, where she had been employed in various capacities. I could not +understand why she should have made ’way with the dishes and Mrs. +Perkins’s table-cloth, but there’s no accounting for tastes of people in +that line of business, so I didn’t bother much trying to reason that +matter out. + +“After we’d had dinner and spent the evening in Mr. Perkins’s library, +the family went to bed, and I pretended to do the same. Instead of +really going to bed, I waited my chance and slipped down the stairs into +the dining-room, and got under the table. At eleven o’clock the +maidservants went up to their rooms, and at quarter-past there wasn’t a +light burning in the house. I sat there in the dining-room waiting, and +just as the clock struck half-past eleven I heard a noise out on the +stairs, and in less than half a minute a sulphur match was struck almost +over my head under the table, and there stood the cook, her face livid as +that of a dead person, and in her hand she held a candle, which she lit +with the match. From where I was I could see everything she did, which +was not much. She simply gathered up all the table fixings she could, +and started down-stairs into the kitchen with ’em. Then I went up to Mr. +Perkins’s room and called him. He put on his clothes and got out his +revolver, when we stole down-stairs together, leaving Mrs. Perkins +up-stairs, with her boy’s nurse and the waitress to keep her company. + +“In a second we were in the laundry, which was as dark as the ace of +spades, except where the light from four gas-jets in the kitchen streamed +in through the half-open door. Mr. Perkins was for pouncing in on the +cook at once, but I was after the rest of the gang as much as I was for +the cook, and I persuaded him to wait; and, by thunder, we were paid for +waiting. It was the queerest case I ever had. + +“That woman—looking for all the world like a creature from some other +part of the universe than this earth, her eyes burning like two huge +coals, her checks as yellow and clear as so much wax, and her lips +blue-white, with a great flaming red tongue sort of laid between +them—worked like a slave cleaning the floor, polishing the range, and +scrubbing the table. Then she dusted all the chairs, and, producing the +missing table-cloth, she laid it snow-white upon the table. In two +minutes more the lost china was brought to light out of the flour-barrel, +polished off, and set upon the table—enough for twenty people. The +dining-room things I had seen her take she arranged as tastefully as any +one could want, and then the finest lay-out in the way of salads, cakes, +fruits, and other good things I ever saw was brought in from the cellar. +To do all this took a marvellously short time. It was five minutes of +midnight went she got through, and then she devoted three minutes to +looking after herself. She whisked out a small hand-glass and touched up +her hair a bit. Then she washed her hands and pinned some roses on her +dress, smiled a smile I can never forget in my life, and opened the +kitchen door and went out. + +“‘She’s going to give a supper!’ whispered Mr. Perkins. + +“‘It looks like it,’ said I. ‘And a mighty fine one at that.’ + +“In a minute she came back with a pail, in which were four bottles of +champagne, in her hand. This she took into the cellar, returning to the +kitchen as the clock struck twelve. + +“Then the queerest part began,” said the detective. “For ten minutes by +the clock people were apparently arriving, though, as far as Mr. Perkins +or I could see, there wasn’t a soul in the kitchen besides Margaret. She +was talking away like one possessed. Every once in a while she’d stop in +the middle of a sentence and rush to the door and shake hands with some, +to us invisible, arrival. Then she’d walk in with them chatting and +laughing. Several times she went through the motion of taking people’s +hats, and finally, if we could judge from her actions, she had ’em all +seated at the table. She passed salads all around, helping each guest +herself. She sent them fruit and cakes, and then she brought out the +wine, which she distributed in the same fashion. She also apologized +because some ice-cream she had ordered hadn’t come. + +“When the invisible guests appeared to have had all they could eat, she +began the chatty part again, and never seemed to be disturbed but once, +when she requested some one not to sing so loud for fear of disturbing +the family. + +“Altogether it was the weirdest and rummest thing I’d ever seen in my +life. We watched it for one full hour, and then we quit because she did. +At one o’clock she apparently bade her guests good-night, after which she +gathered up and put away all the eatables there were left—and, of course, +everything but what she had eaten herself still remained—cleaned all the +dishes, restored them to their proper places in the dining-room pantry, +and went back up-stairs to her room. + +“Mr. Perkins and I didn’t know what to make of it. There wasn’t a thing +stolen, and it was clear to my mind that I’d done the woman an injustice +in connecting her with thieves. She was honest, except in so far as she +had ordered all those salads and creams and things from time to time on +Mr. Perkins’s account, which was easy enough for her to do, since Mrs. +Perkins let her do the ordering. There was only one explanation of the +matter. She was crazy, and I said so. + +“‘I fancy you are right,’ said Mr. Perkins. ‘We’ll have to send her to +an asylum!’ + +“‘That’s the thing,’ said I, ‘and we’d better do it the first thing in +the morning. I wouldn’t tackle her to-night, because she’s probably +excited, and like as not would make a great deal of trouble.’ + +“And that,” said the detective, “was where Mr. Perkins and I made our +mistake. Next morning she wasn’t to be found, and to this day I haven’t +heard a word of her. She disappeared just like that,” he said, snapping +his fingers. “Of course, I don’t mean to say that anything supernatural +occurred. She simply must have slipped down and out while we were +asleep. The front door was wide open in the morning, and a woman +answering to her description was seen to leave the Park station, five +miles from the Perkins house, on the six-thirty train that morning.” + +“And you have no idea where she is now?” I asked of the detective, when +he had finished. + +“No,” he answered, “not the slightest. For all I know she may be cooking +for you at this very minute.” + +With which comforting remark he left me. + +For my part, I hope the detective was wrong. If I thought there was a +possibility of Margaret’s ever being queen of my culinary department, I +should either give up house-keeping at once and join some simple +community where every man is his own chef, or dine forevermore on canned +goods. + + + + +JANE + + +SHE was quite the reverse of beautiful—to some she was positively +unpleasant to look upon; but that made no difference to Mrs. Thaddeus +Perkins, who, after long experience with domestics, had come to judge of +the value of a servant by her performance rather than by her appearance. +The girl—if girl she were, for she might have been thirty or sixty, so +far as any one could judge from a merely superficial glance at her face +and figure—was neat of aspect, and, what was more, she had come well +recommended. She bore upon her face every evidence of respectability and +character, as well as one or two lines which might have indicated years +or toothache—it was difficult to decide which. On certain days, when the +weather was very warm and she had much to do, the impression was that the +lines meant years, and many of them, accentuated as they were by her +pallor, the whiteness of her face making the lines seem almost black in +their intensity. When she smiled, however, which she rarely did—she was +solemn enough to have been a butler—one was impressed with the idea of +hours of pain from a wicked tooth. At any rate, she was engaged as +waitress, and put in charge of the first floor of the Perkins household. + +“I fancy we’ve at last got a real treasure,” said Mrs. Perkins. “There’s +no nonsense about Jane—I think.” The last two words were added +apologetically. + +“Where did you get her?” asked Thaddeus. “At an Imbecility Office?” + +“I don’t quite know what you mean—an Imbecility Office?” + +“Only my pet, private, and particular name for it, my dear. You would +speak of it as an Intelligence Office, no doubt,” was the reply. “My +observation of the fruit of Intelligence Offices has convinced me that +they deal in Imbecility.” + +“Not quite,” laughed Mrs. Perkins. “They look after Domestic Vacancies.” + +“Well, they do it with a vengeance,” said Perkins. “We’ve had more +vacancies in this house to do our cooking and our laundering and our +house-work generally than two able-bodied men could shake sticks at. It +seems to me that the domestic servant of to-day is fonder of +preoccupation than of occupation.” + +“Jane, I think, is different from the general run,” said Mrs. Perkins. +“As I said, she has no nonsense about her.” + +“Is she—an—an ornament to the scene—pretty, and all that?” asked Perkins. + +“Quite the reverse,” replied the little house-keeper. “She is as plain +as a—as a—” + +“Say hedge-fence and be done with it,” said Perkins. “I’m glad of it. +What’s the use of providing a good dinner for your friends if they are +going to spend all their time looking at the waitress? When I give a +dinner it makes me tired to have the men afterwards speak of the waitress +rather than of the _purée_ or the birds. If any domestic is to dominate +the repast at all it should be the cook.” + +“Service counts for a great deal, though, Ted,” suggested Mrs. Perkins. + +“True,” replied Thaddeus; “but on the whole, when I am starving, give me +a _filet béarnaise_ served by a sailor, rather than an empty plate +brought in in style by a butler of illustrious lineage and impressive +manner.” Then he added: “I hope she isn’t too homely, Bess—not a +‘clock-stopper,’ as the saying is. You don’t want people’s appetites +taken away when you’ve worked for hours on a menu calculated to tickle +the palates of your guests. Would her homeliness—ah—efface itself, for +instance, in the presence of a culinary creation, or is it likely to +overshadow everything with its ineffaceable completeness?” + +“I think she’ll do,” returned Mrs. Perkins; “especially with your +friends, who, it seems to me, would one and all insist upon finishing a +‘creation,’ as you call it, even if lightning should strike the house.” + +“From that point of view,” said he, “I’m confident that Jane will do.” + +So Jane came, and for a year, strange to relate, was all that her +references claimed for her. She was neat, clean, and capable. She was +sober and industrious. The wine had never been better served; the dinner +had rarely come to the table so hot. Had she been a butler of the first +magnitude she could not so have discouraged the idea of acquaintance; her +attraction, if anything, was a combination of her self-effacement and her +ugliness. The latter might have been noticed as she entered the +dining-room; it was soon forgotten in the unconsciously observed ease +with which she went through her work. + +“She’s fine,” said Perkins, after a dinner of twelve covers served by +Jane with a pantry assistant. “I’ve always had a sneaking notion that +nothing short of a butler could satisfy me, but now I think otherwise. +Jane is perfection, and there is nothing paralyzing about her, as there +is about most of those reduced swells who wait on tables nowadays.” + +In August the family departed for the mountains, and the house was left +in charge of Jane and the cook, and right faithfully did they fulfil the +requirements of their stewardship. The return in September found the +house cleaned from top to bottom. The hardwood floors and stairs shone +as they had rarely shone before, and as only an unlimited application of +what is vulgarly termed “elbow-grease” could make them shine. The linen +was immaculate. Ireland is not freer from snakes than was the house of +Perkins from cobwebs, and no speck of dust except those on the travellers +was visible. It was evident that even in the absence of the family Jane +was true to her ideals, and the heart of Mrs. Perkins was glad. +Furthermore, Jane had acquired a full third set of teeth, which seemed to +take some of the lines from her face, and, as Perkins observed, added +materially to the general effect of the surroundings, although they were +distressingly new. But, alas! they marked the beginning of the end. +Jane ceased to wait upon the table with that solemnity which is essential +to the manner of a “treasure”; she smiled occasionally, and where +hitherto she had treated the conversation at the table with stolid +indifference, a witticism would invariably now bring the new teeth unto +view. + +“Alas!” cried Thaddeus, “our butleress has evoluted backwards. She grins +like an ordinary waitress.” + +It was too true. The possession of brilliantly white teeth seemed to +have brought with it a desire to show them, which was destructive of that +dignity with which Jane had previously been hedged about, and substituted +for it a less desirable atmosphere of possible familiarity, which might +grow upon very slight provocation into intimacy, not to mention a nearer +approach to social equality. + +“I don’t suppose we can blame her exactly,” said Perkins, when discussing +one or two of Jane’s lapses from her old-time standard. “I haven’t a +doubt that if I’d gone for years without teeth, I’d become a regular +Cheshire cat, with a new, complete _édition de luxe_ of celluloid molars. +Still, I wish she’d paid more attention to the dinner and less to Mr. +Barlow’s conversation last night. She stood a whole minute, with the +salad-bowl in her hand, waiting for him to reach the point of his story +about the plumber who put a gas-pipe through Shakespeare’s tenor in +Westminster Abbey, and when he finished, and she smiled, you’d have +thought a dozen gravestones to the deceased’s memory had been conjured up +before us.” + +“It’s a small fault, Thaddeus,” returned Mrs. Perkins, “but I’ll speak to +her about it.” + +“Oh, I wouldn’t,” said Perkins; “let it go; she means well, and when we +got her we didn’t suspect she’d turn out such a jewel. She’s merely +approaching her norm, that is all. We ought to be thankful to have had +such perfection for one year. It’s too bad it couldn’t continue; but +what perfection does?” + +Nothing, therefore, was said, and Jane smiled on, yet waited most +acceptably and kept all things decently and in order—for a little while. +Along about Christmas-time a further decadence and additional flaw in the +jewel was discovered, and it was Perkins himself who discovered it. It +happened one day while he was at work alone in the house, Mrs. Perkins +having gone out shopping. A friend from Boston appeared—a friend +interested in bric-à-brac and china generally. Thaddeus, to whom a +luncheon in solitary grandeur was little short of abomination, invited +his Boston friend to stay and share pot-luck with him, knowing, hypocrite +that he was, that pot-luck did not mean pot-luck at all, but a course +luncheon which many men would have found all-sufficient at dinner. The +Boston friend accepted, and the luncheon was served by Jane. In the +course of the repast the visitor observed: + +“Pretty good china you have, Perkins.” + +“Yes,” returned Thaddeus, “pretty good. I’ve always had a _penchant_ for +china. My mother-in-law thinks I’m extravagant, and sometimes I think +she is right. You never saw my Capodimonte coffees, did you?” + +“No,” replied the Bostonian, “I never did. Where’d you get ’em?” + +“London,” replied Perkins, “last time I was over. You must see them, by +all means. Ah, Jane, hand Mr. Bunkerrill one of the Capodimonte +coffees.” + +“Wan o’ the what, sorr?” asked the treasure. + +Thaddeus blushed. To have his jewel go back on him at such a crisis was +excessively annoying. “One of those gold after-dinner coffee-cups—one of +the little ones, with the flowery raised figures,” he said, sharply. + +“Oh!” said Jane, “wan o’ thim with somebody else’s initial on the +bottom?” + +“Yes,” said Thaddeus, fuming inwardly. + +“Quite a connoisseur, that woman,” laughed the visitor, as Jane went +after the dinner-cup. “She’s observed the china mark. She know’s N +doesn’t stand for Perkins.” + +Thaddeus laughed weakly. “She probably thinks we got them second-hand,” +he said. + +“Very likely you did,” retorted the Bostonian, and Jane returned with the +desired cup. “An admirable specimen,” continued the connoisseur; and +them, turning the cup bottom upwards in search of the mark, he disclosed +to his own and Thaddeus’s astonished gaze no less an object than the +remains of a mashed green pea, a reminiscence of the last Perkins dinner, +and conclusive evidence that at times Jane was not as careful in the +washing of her china as she might have been. + +It would be futile and useless for me to attempt to describe the emotions +of Thaddeus. I fancy a large enough number of us having been through +similar experiences to comprehend the man’s mortification and his inward +wrath. It was too great to find suitable expression at the moment. +Nothing short of the absolute destruction of the cup and the annihilation +of Jane could have adequately expressed Perkins’s true feelings. He was +not by nature, however, a scene-maker—it would have been better if he had +been—so he said nothing, abiding by his rule, which seemed to be that the +man of the house would do better to reprehend the short-comings of a +delinquent servant by blowing up his wife rather than by going direct to +the core of the trouble and reading the maid a lecture. A great many men +adopt this same method. I do. It is the easiest, though it is possibly +prompted by that cowardice which is latent with us all. I never in my +life have discharged more than one servant, and I not only did not do it +gracefully, but discharged the wrong one; since which time I have left +all that sort of work to others more competent than I. Perkins’s method +was precisely thus. + +“I’m not going to interfere,” was his invariable remark in cases of the +kind under discussion; which was unwise, for if he had even scolded a +servant as he did his wife for the servant’s fault he might have secured +better service sooner or later. + +Unfortunately, when Mrs. Perkins reached home that night she was so very +tired with her exertions in the shops that Thaddeus hadn’t the heart to +tell her what had happened, and when morning came the episode was +forgotten. When it did recur to his mind it so happened that Mrs. +Perkins was out of reach. The result was that a month had passed before +Mrs. Perkins cane into possession of the facts, and it was then, of +course, too late to mention it to Jane. + +“You should have given her a good talking to at the time,” said Mrs. +Perkins. “It’s awful! I don’t know what has got into Jane. My best +table-cloth has got a great hole in it, and she is very careless with the +silver. My fruit-knife last night was not clean.” + +“I suppose _you_ spoke to her about that?” said Perkins, smiling. + +“Not exactly; I sent for another, and handed her the dirty one,” returned +Mrs. Perkins. “I guess she felt all that I could have said.” + +And time went on, and Jane continued to decay. She pulled corks from +olive-bottles with the carving-fork prongs and bent them backwards. She +developed a habit of going out and leaving her work undone. The powdered +sugar was allowed to resolve itself into small, hard, pill-shaped lumps +of various sizes. Breakfast had a way of being served cold. The coffee +was at times merely tepid; in short, it seemed as if she really ought to +be discharged; but then there was invariably some reason for postponing +the fatal hour. Either her kindness to the children or a week or two of +the old-time efficiency, her unyielding civility, her scrupulous honesty, +her willing acquiescence in any new duty imposed, an impression that she +was suffering, any one or all of these reasons kept her on in her place +until she became so much a fixture in the household, so much one of the +family, that the idea of getting rid of her seemed beyond the possibility +of realization. That the axe should fall her employers knew well, and +many a resolve was taken that at the end of the season she should go, yet +neither Mrs. Perkins nor her husband liked to tell her so. Her good +points were still too potent, although none could deny that all +confidence in her efficiency was shattered past repair. The situation +finally reached a point where it inspired reflections of a more or less +humorous order. + +“I tell you what I think,” said Thaddeus one evening, after a +particularly flagrant breach on Jane’s part, involving a streak of +cranberry sauce across a supposititiously clean plate: “you won’t +discharge her, Bess, and I won’t; suppose we send for Mr. Burke, and get +him to do it.” + +Mr. Burke was the one reliable man in town. It didn’t make much +difference what the Perkinses wanted done, they generally sent for Mr. +Burke to do it, largely because when he attempted a commission he saw it +through. A carpenter and builder by trade, he had for many years looked +after the repairs needful to the Perkins’ dwelling; he had come often +between Thaddeus and unskilled labor; he had made bookcases which were +dreams of convenience and sufficiently pleasing to the eye; he had “fixed +up” Mrs. Perkins’s garden; he had supplied the family with a new gardener +when the old one had taken on habits of drink, which destroyed not only +himself but the cabbages; he had kept an eye on the plumbers; he had put +up, taken down, and repaired awnings—in short, as Perkins said, he was a +“Universal.” Once, when a delicate piece of bric-à-brac had been broken +and the china-mender asserted that it could not be mended, Perkins had +said, “See if Burke can’t fix it,” and Burke had fixed it; and as final +tribute to this wonder, Perkins had said, in suffering: + +“My dear, I’m afraid I have appendicitis. Send for Mr. Burke.” + +“Mr. Burke!” echoed his wife. + +“Yes, Mr. Burke,” moaned the sufferer. “If my vermiform appendix is to +be removed, I’d rather have Mr. Burke do it with a chisel and saw than +any surgeon I know; and I won’t take ether either, because it is such a +satisfaction to see him work.” + +So, when this happy pair of house-holders had reached what might be +described as the grand climateric of their patience, and it was finally +decided that Jane’s usefulness was a thing of the past, and utterly +beyond redemption, Thaddeus naturally suggested turning to his faithful +friend, Mr. Burke, to rid them of their woes, and, indeed, but for Jane’s +own intervention, I fear that course would have proved the sole +alternative to her becoming an irremovable fixture in the household. But +it was Jane herself who solved the problem. + +It was two days after the cranberry episode that the solution came, and +it was in this wise: + +“Did ye send for me?” Jane asked, suddenly materializing in Mrs. +Perkins’s room. + +“No, Jane, I haven’t; why?” + +The girl began to shed tears. + +“Because—you’d ought to have, ma’am. I know well enough that I ain’t +satisfactory to you,” she returned, her voice quivering, “and I can’t be, +and I know you want me to go—and I—I’ve come to give you notice.” + +Then Mrs. Perkins looked at Jane with sorrow on her countenance, for she +had acquired an affection for her which the maid’s delinquencies had not +been able to efface. + +“Can’t you try and do better?” she asked. + +“No, ma’am,” returned Jane. “Not with the system—never. Mr. Perkins is +too easy, and you do be so soft-hearted it don’t keep a girl up to her +work. When I first come here, ma’am, not knowin’ ye well, I was afraid +to be anything but what was right, but the way you took accidents, and a +bit of a shortcomin’ once in a while, sort of took away my fear, and I’ve +been goin’ down hill ever since. Servant-girls is only human, Mrs. +Perkins.” + +Mrs. Perkins looked at Jane inquiringly. + +“We needs to be kept up to our work just as much as anybody else, and +when a lady like yourself is too easy, it gets a girl into bad habits, +and occasionally it does us good if the gentleman of the house will swear +at us, Mrs. Perkins, and sort of scare us, so it does. It was that that +was the making of me. The last place I was in, ma’am, I was so afraid of +both the missus and the gentleman that I didn’t dare to be careless; and +I didn’t dare be careless with you until I found you all the time +a-smilin’, whatever went wrong, and Mr. Perkins never sayin’ a word, +whether the dishes come to the table clean or not.” + +“Well, Jane,” said Mrs. Perkins, somewhat carried away by this course of +reasoning, “you haven’t been what we hoped—there is no denying that; but +knowing that you were disappointing us, why couldn’t you have made a +special effort?” + +“Oh, Mrs. Perkins,” sobbed the poor woman, “you don’t understand. We’re +all disappointin’ to them we loves, but—it’s them we fear—” + +“Then why aren’t you afraid of us?” + +Jane laughed through her tears. The idea was preposterous. + +“Afraid of you and Mr. Perkins? Ah!” she said, sadly, “if I only could +be—but I can’t. Why, Mrs. Perkins, if Mr. Perkins should come in here +now and swear at me the way Mr. Barley did when I worked there, I’d know +he was only puttin’ it on, and that inside he’d be laughin’ at me. No, +ma’am, it’s no use. I feel that I must go, or I’ll be forever ruined. +It was the cranberry showed me; a girl had ought to be discharged for +that. Dirty dinner plates isn’t excusable, and yet neither of you said a +word, and next week it’ll be the same way—so I’m goin’. You won’t send +me off, so I’ve got to do it myself.” + +“Very well, Jane,” said Mrs. Perkins; “if that is the way you feel about +it we’ll have to part, I suppose. I am sorry, but—” + +The sentence was not finished, for Jane rushed weeping from the room, and +within a few days, her place having been filled, the house knew her no +more, except as an occasional visitor, ostensibly to see the children. +Later she got a place to her satisfaction, and one night the Perkins were +invited to dine with Jane’s new employers. They went and found their +old-time “butler” at the very zenith of her powers. She served the +dinner as she had never served one in her palmiest days in the Perkins’s +dining-room; and when all was over, and when Mrs. Perkins went up-stairs +to don her wrap to return home, she found Jane above waiting to help her. + +“I am glad to see you so happy, Jane,” she said, as the girl held her +cloak. + +“Ah, ma’am, I’m not very happy.” + +“You ought to be, here. Your work to-night was perfect.” + +“Yes,” said Jane, “it had to be, for”—here her voice fell to a whisper—“I +don’t dare let it be different, ma’am. Mrs. Harkins is a regular divvle, +and the ould gentleman—well, ma’am, he do swear finer ’n any gentleman I +ever met. It’s just the place for me.” + +And Jane sighed as her old mistress left her. + +“Wasn’t she great, Bess?” said Thaddeus, on the way home. + +“She was, indeed,” replied Mrs. Perkins, with a smile. “It’s a pity I’m +not a divvle.” + +Thaddeus laughed. “That’s so,” he said; “or that I never learned to +swear like a gentleman, eh?” + + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PASTE JEWELS*** + + +******* This file should be named 4930-0.txt or 4930-0.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/4/9/3/4930 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + + + + +Title: Paste Jewels + Being Seven Tales of Domestic Woe + + +Author: John Kendrick Bangs + + + +Release Date: September 16, 2014 [eBook #4930] +[This file was first posted on 27 March 2002] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PASTE JEWELS*** +</pre> +<p>Transcribed from the 1897 Harper and Brothers edition by David +Price, email ccx074@pglaf.org</p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/coverb.jpg"> +<img alt= +"Book cover" +title= +"Book cover" + src="images/covers.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/fpb.jpg"> +<img alt= +"Jane" +title= +"Jane" + src="images/fps.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<h1>PASTE JEWELS</h1> +<p style="text-align: center"><i>Being Seven Tales of Domestic +Woe</i></p> + +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center"><span class="GutSmall">BY</span><br +/> +JOHN KENDRICK BANGS</p> +<blockquote><p style="text-align: center">“They also serve +who only stand and wait.”</p> +</blockquote> +<p style="text-align: center"> +<a href="images/tpb.jpg"> +<img alt= +"Decorative graphic" +title= +"Decorative graphic" + src="images/tps.jpg" /> +</a></p> +<p style="text-align: center"><span class="GutSmall">NEW YORK +& LONDON</span><br /> +HARPER & BROTHERS PUBLISHERS<br /> +1897</p> + +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center"><span +class="GutSmall">TO</span></p> +<p style="text-align: center">E. L. N.</p> + +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<h2>PREFACE</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> may interest the readers of this +collection of tales, if there should be any such, to know that +the incidents upon which the stories are based are unfortunately +wholly truthful. They have one and all come under the +author’s observation during the past ten years, and with +the exception of “Mr. Bradley’s Jewel,” +concerning whom it is expressly stated that she was employed +through lack of other available material, not one of the servants +herein made famous or infamous, as the case may be, was employed +except upon presentation of references written by responsible +persons that could properly have been given only to domestics of +the most sterling character. It is this last fact that +points the moral of the tales here presented, if it does not +adorn them.</p> +<p style="text-align: right">J. K. B.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Yonkers</span>, N. Y., 1897</p> +<h2>CONTENTS</h2> +<table> +<tr> +<td><p> </p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span +class="GutSmall">PAGE</span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Emancipation of +Thaddeus</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page3">3</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Mr. Bradley’s Jewel</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page45">45</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Unexpected Pomp at the +Perkins’s</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page71">71</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">An Object-Lesson</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page101">101</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Christmas Gifts of +Thaddeus</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page123">123</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">A Strange Banquet</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page149">149</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Jane</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page181">181</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +</table> +<h2><a name="page3"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 3</span>THE +EMANCIPATION OF THADDEUS</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">They</span> were very young, and possibly +too amiable. Thaddeus was but twenty-four and Bessie +twenty-two when they twain, made one, walked down the middle +aisle of St. Peter’s together.</p> +<p>Everybody remarked how amiable she looked even then; not that +a bride on her way out of church should look unamiable, of +course, but we all know how brides do look, as a rule, on such +occasions—looks difficult of analysis, but strangely +suggestive of determined timidity, if there can be such a quality +expressed in the human face. It is the natural expression +of one who knows that she has taken the most important step of +her life, and, on turning to face those who have been bidden to +witness the ceremony, observes that the sacredness of the +occasion is somewhat marred by the presence in church of the +unbidden curiosity-seekers, who have come for much the same +reason as that which prompts them to go to the theatre—to +enjoy the spectacle. But Bessie’s face showed nothing +but that intense amiability for which she had all her life long +been noted; and as for Thaddeus, he never ceased to smile from +the moment he turned and faced the congregation until the +carriage door closed upon him and his bride, and then, of course, +he had to, his lips being otherwise engaged. Indeed, +Thaddeus’s amiability was his greatest vice. He had +never been known to be ill-natured in his life but once, and that +was during the week that Bessie had kept him in suspense while +she was making up her mind not to say “No” to an +important proposition he had made—a proposition, +by-the-way, which resulted in this very ceremony, and was largely +responsible for the trials and tribulations which followed.</p> +<p>Thaddeus was rich—that is, he had an income and a +vocation; a charming little home was awaiting their coming, off +in a convenient suburb; and, best of all, Bessie was an +accomplished house-keeper, having studied under the best +mistresses of that art to be found in the country. And even +if she had not completely mastered the art of keeping house, +Thaddeus was confident that all would go well with them, for +their waitress was a jewel, inherited from Bessie’s mother, +and the cook, though somewhat advanced in years, was beyond +cavil, having been known to the family of Thaddeus for a longer +period than Thaddeus himself had been. The only uncertain +quantity in the household was Norah, the up-stairs girl, who was +not only new, but auburn-haired and of Celtic extraction.</p> +<p>Under such circumstances did the young couple start in life, +and many there were who looked upon them with envy. At +first, of course, the household did not run as smoothly as it +might have done—meals were late, and served with less +ceremony than either liked; but, as Bessie said, as she and +Thaddeus were finishing their breakfast one morning, “What +could you expect?”</p> +<p>To which Thaddeus, with his customary smile, replied +“What, indeed! We get along much better than I really +thought we should with old Ellen.”</p> +<p>Old Ellen was the cook, and she had been known to Thaddeus as +“Old Ellen” even before his lips were able to utter +the words.</p> +<p>“Ellen has her ways, and Jane has hers,” said +Bessie. “After Jane has got accustomed to +Ellen’s way of getting breakfast ready, she will know +better how to go about her own work. I think, perhaps, +cook’s manner is a little harsh. She made Jane cry +about the omelet this morning; but Jane is teary, +anyhow.”</p> +<p>“It wouldn’t do to have Ellen oily and Jane +watery,” Thaddeus answered. “They’d mix +worse than ever then. We’re in pretty good luck as it +is.”</p> +<p>“I think so, too, Teddy,” Bessie replied; +“but Jane is so foolish. She might have known better +than to send the square platter down to Ellen for an omelet, when +the omelet was five times as long as it was broad.”</p> +<p>“You always had square omelets, though, at your +house—that is, whenever I was there you had,” said +Thaddeus. “And I suppose Jane’s notion is that +as things happened under your mother’s régime, so +they ought to happen here.”</p> +<p>“Possibly that was her notion,” replied Bessie; +“but, then, in your family the omelets were oblong, and +Ellen is too old to depart from her traditions. Old people +get set in their ways, and as long as results are satisfactory, +we ought not to be captious about methods.”</p> +<p>“No, indeed, we shouldn’t,” smiled Thaddeus; +“but I don’t want you to give in to Ellen to too +great an extent, my dear. This is your home, and not my +mother’s, and your ways must be the ways of the +house.”</p> +<p>“Ellen is all right,” returned Bessie, “and +I am so delighted to have her, because, you know, Teddy dear, she +knows what you like even better, perhaps, than I +do—naturally so, having grown up in your family.”</p> +<p>“Reverse that, my dear. Our family grew up on +Ellen. She set the culinary pace at home. Mother +always let her have her own way, and it may be she is a little +spoiled.”</p> +<p>“Do you know, Teddy, I wonder that, having had Ellen for +so many years, your mother was willing to give her up.”</p> +<p>“Oh, I can explain that,” Thaddeus answered. +“I’m the youngest, you know; the rest of the family +were old enough to be weaned. Besides, father was getting +old, and he had a notion that the comforts of a hotel were +preferable to the discomforts of house-keeping. Father +likes to eat meals at all hours, and the annunciator system of +hotel life, by which you can summon anything in an instant, from +a shower-bath to a feast of terrapin, was rather pleasing to +him. He was always an admirer of the tales of the genii, +and he regards the electric button in a well-appointed hotel as +the nearest approach to the famous Aladdin lamp known to +science. You press the button, and your genii do the +rest.”</p> +<p>“But a hotel isn’t home,” said Bessie.</p> +<p>“A hotel isn’t this home,” answered +Thaddeus. “Love in a cottage for me; but, Bessie, +perhaps you—perhaps it wouldn’t be a bad idea for you +to speak to Jane and Ellen this morning about their +differences. I am an hour late now.”</p> +<p>Then Thaddeus kissed Bessie, and went down to business.</p> +<p>On Thaddeus’s departure Bessie’s cheerfulness also +deserted her, and for the first time in her life she felt that it +would do her good if she could fly out at +somebody—somebody, however, who was not endeared to the +heart of Thaddeus, or too intimately related to her own family, +which left no one but Norah upon whom to vent the displeasure +that she felt. Norah was, therefore, sought out, and +requested rather peremptorily to say how long it had been since +she had dusted the parlor; to which Norah was able truthfully to +answer, “This mornin’, mim.” Whereupon +Bessie’s desire to be disagreeable departed, and saying +that Norah could now clean the second-story front-room windows, +she withdrew to her own snug sewing-room until luncheon should be +served. She was just a trifle put out with Norah for being +so efficient. There is nothing so affronting to a young +house-keeper as the discovery that the inherited family jewels, +upon whom much reliance has been placed, are as paste alongside +of the newly acquired bauble from whom little was expected. +It was almost unkind in Norah, Bessie thought, to be so +impeccably conscientious when Jane and Ellen were developing +eccentricities; but there was the consoling thought that when +they had all been together a month or two longer, their +eccentricities would so shape themselves that they would fit into +one another, and ultimately bind the little domestic structure +more firmly together.</p> +<p>“Perhaps if I let them alone,” Bessie said to +herself, “they’ll forget their differences more +quickly. I guess, on the whole, I will say nothing about +it.”</p> +<p>That night, when Thaddeus came home, the first thing he said +to his wife was: “Well, I suppose you were awfully firm +this morning, eh? Went down into the kitchen and roared +like a little tyrant, eh? I really was afraid to read the +paper on the way home. Didn’t know but what I’d +read of a ‘Horrid Accident in High Life. Mrs. +Thaddeus Perkins’s Endeavor to Maintain Discipline in the +Household Results Fatally. Two Old Family Servants +Instantly Killed, and Three of the Kitchen Table Legs Broken by a +Domestic Explosion!’”</p> +<p>“Be serious, Thaddeus,” said Bessie.</p> +<p>And Thaddeus became instantly serious. +“They—they haven’t left us, have they?” +he whispered, in an awe-struck tone.</p> +<p>“No. I—I thought I’d let them fight it +out between themselves,” replied Bessie. “You +see, Thaddeus, servants are queer, and do not like to have their +differences settled by others than themselves. It’ll +work out all right, if we let them alone.”</p> +<p>“I don’t know but that you are right,” said +Thaddeus, after a few moments of thought. +“They’re both sensible girls, and capable of fighting +their own battles. Let’s have dinner. I’m +hungry as a bear.”</p> +<p>It was half-past six o’clock, and the usual hour for +dinner. At 8.10 dinner was served. The intervening +time was consumed by Jane and Ellen endeavoring to settle their +differences by the silent, sniffy method—that is, Jane +would sniff, and Ellen would be silent; and then Ellen would +sniff, and Jane would be silent. As for Thaddeus and +Bessie, they were amused rather than angry to have the dear +little broiled chicken Bessie had provided served on the large +beef-platter; and when the pease came up in a cut-glass +salad-dish, Thaddeus laughed outright, but Bessie’s eyes +grew moist. It was too evident that Jane and Ellen were not +on speaking terms, and there was strong need for some one to +break the ice. Fortunately, Bessie’s mother called +that evening, and some of her time was spent below-stairs. +What she said there only Ellen and Jane knew, but it had its +effect, and for two or three weeks the jewels worked almost as +satisfactorily as did Norah, the new girl, and quite +harmoniously.</p> +<p>“Bessie,” said Thaddeus, one night as they ate +their supper, “does it occur to you that the roast is a +little overdone to-night?”</p> +<p>“Yes, Teddy, it is very much overdone. I must +speak to Ellen about it. She is a little careless about +some things. I’ve told her several times that you +like your beef rare.”</p> +<p>“Well, I’d tell her again. Constant dropping +of water on its surface will wear away a stone, and I think, +perhaps, the constant dropping of an idea on a cook’s head +may wear away some of the thickest parts of that—at least, +until it is worn thin enough for the idea to get through to where +her brain ought to be. You might say to her, too, that for +several nights past dinner has been cold.”</p> +<p>“I’ll speak to her in the morning,” was +Bessie’s reply; and the dear little woman was true to her +purpose.</p> +<p>“She explained about the beef and the cold dinner, +Ted,” she said, when Thaddeus came home that afternoon.</p> +<p>“Satisfactorily to all hands, I hope?” said +Thaddeus, with his usual smile.</p> +<p>“Yes, perfectly. In fact, I wonder we hadn’t +thought of it ourselves. In the old home, you know, the +dinner-hour was six o’clock, while here it is half-past +six.”</p> +<p>“What has that got to do with it?” asked +Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“How obtuse of you, Teddy!” exclaimed +Bessie. “Don’t you see, the poor old thing has +been so used to six-o’clock dinners that she has everything +ready for us at six? And if we are half an hour late, of +course things get cold; or if they are kept in the oven, as was +the case with the beef last night, they are apt to be +overdone?”</p> +<p>“Why, of course. Ha! Ha! Wonder I +didn’t think of that,” laughed Thaddeus, though his +mirth did seem a little forced. +“But—she’s—she’s going to change, I +suppose?”</p> +<p>“She said she’d try,” Bessie replied. +“She was really so very nice about it, I hadn’t the +heart to scold her.”</p> +<p>“I’m glad,” was all Thaddeus said, and +during the rest of the meal he was silent. Once or twice he +seemed on the verge of saying something, but apparently changed +his mind.</p> +<p>“Are you tired to-night, dear?” said Bessie, as +the dessert was served.</p> +<p>“No. Why?” said Thaddeus, shortly.</p> +<p>“Oh, nothing. I thought you seemed a little +so,” Bessie answered. “You mustn’t work +too hard down-town.”</p> +<p>“No, my dear girl,” he said. “I +won’t, and I don’t. I was thinking all through +dinner about those girls down-stairs. Perhaps—perhaps +I had better talk to them, eh? You are so awfully +kind-hearted, and it does seem to me as though they imposed a +little on you, that’s all. The salad to-night was +atrocious. It should have been kept on the ice, instead of +which it comes to the table looking like a last year’s +bouquet.”</p> +<p>Bessie’s eyes grew watery. “I’m afraid +it was my fault,” she said. “I ought to have +looked after the salad myself. I always did at home. +I suppose Jane got it out expecting me to prepare it.”</p> +<p>“Oh, well, never mind,” said Thaddeus, desirous of +soothing the troubled soul of his wife. “I +wouldn’t have mentioned it, only Jane does too much +thinking, in a thoughtless way, anyhow. Servants +aren’t paid to think.”</p> +<p>“I’ll tell you what, Thaddeus,” said Bessie, +her spirits returning, “we are just as much to blame as +they are; we’ve taken too much for granted, and so have +they. Suppose we spend the evening putting together a set +of rules for the management of the house? It will be lots +of fun, and perhaps it will do the girls good. They ought +to understand that while our parents have had their +ways—and reasonable ways—there is no reason why we +should not have our ways.”</p> +<p>“In other words,” said Thaddeus, “what we +want to draw up is a sort of Declaration of +Independence.”</p> +<p>“That’s it, exactly,” Bessie replied.</p> +<p>“Better get a slate and write them on that,” +suggested Thaddeus, with a broad grin. “Then we can +rub out whatever Jane and Ellen don’t like.”</p> +<p>“I hate you when you are sarcastic,” said Bessie, +with a pout, and then she ran for her pad and pencil.</p> +<p>The evening was passed as she had suggested, and when they +retired that night the house of Perkins was provided with a +constitution and by-laws.</p> +<p>“I don’t suppose I shall recognize my surroundings +when I get back home to-night,” said Thaddeus, when he +waked up in the morning.</p> +<p>“Why not?” asked Bessie. “What strange +transformation is there to be?”</p> +<p>“The discipline will be so strict,” answered +Thaddeus. “I presume you will put those rules of ours +into operation right away?”</p> +<p>“I have been thinking about that,” said Bessie, +after a moment. “You see, Thad, there are a great +many things about running a house that neither you nor I are +familiar with yet, and it seems to me that maybe we’d +better wait a little while before we impose these rules on the +girls; it would be awkward to have to make changes afterwards, +you know.”</p> +<p>“There is something in that,” said Thaddeus; +“but, after all, not so much as you seem to think. +All rules have exceptions. I’ve no doubt that the +cook will take exception to most of them.”</p> +<p>“That’s what I’m afraid of, and as +she’s so old I kind of feel as if I ought to respect her +feelings a little more than we would Norah’s, for +instance. I can just tell you I shall make Norah stand +around.”</p> +<p>“I think it would be a good plan if you did,” said +Thaddeus. “I’m afraid Norah will die if you +don’t. She works too hard to be a real +servant—real servants stand around so much, you +know.”</p> +<p>“Don’t be flippant, Thaddeus. This is a very +serious matter. Norah is a good girl, as you say. She +works so much and so quickly that she really makes me tired, and +I’m constantly oppressed with the thought that she may get +through with whatever she is doing before I can think of +something else to occupy her time. But with her we need +have none of the feeling that we have with Jane and Ellen. +She is young, and susceptible to new impressions. She can +fall in with new rules, while the other two might chafe under +them. Now, I say we wait until we find out if we cannot let +well enough alone, and not raise discord in our home.”</p> +<p>“There never was an Eden without its serpent,” +sighed Thaddeus. “I don’t exactly like the idea +of fitting our rules to their idiosyncrasies.”</p> +<p>“It isn’t that, dear. I don’t want +that, either; but neither do we wish to unnecessarily hamper them +in their work by demanding that they shall do it our +way.”</p> +<p>“Oh, well, you are the President of the Republic,” +said Thaddeus. “You run matters to suit yourself, and +I believe we’ll have the most prosperous institution in the +world before we know it. If it were a business matter, +I’d have those rules or die; but I suppose you can’t +run a house as you would a business concern. I guess you +are right. Keep the rules a week. Why not submit +’em to your mother first?”</p> +<p>“I thought of that,” said Bessie. “But +then it occurred to me that as Ellen had served always under your +mother, it would be better if we consulted her.”</p> +<p>“I don’t,” said Thaddeus. +“She’d be sure to tell you not to have any rules, or, +if she didn’t, she would advise you to consult with the +cook in the matter, which would result in Ellen’s becoming +President, and you and I taxpayers. She used to run our old +house, and now see the consequences!”</p> +<p>“What are the consequences?” asked Bessie.</p> +<p>“Mother and father have been driven into a hotel, and +the children have all been married.”</p> +<p>“That’s awful,” laughed Bessie.</p> +<p>And so the rules were filed away for future reference. +That they would have remained on file for an indefinite period if +Thaddeus had not asked a friend to spend a few weeks with him, I +do not doubt. Bessie grew daily more mistrustful of their +value, and Thaddeus himself preferred the comfort of a quiet +though somewhat irregular mode of living to the turmoil likely to +follow the imposition of obnoxious regulations upon the +aristocrats below-stairs. But the coming of +Thaddeus’s friend made a difference.</p> +<p>The friend was an elderly man, with a business and a +system. He was a man, for instance, who all his life had +breakfasted at seven, lunched at one, and dined at six-thirty, of +which Thaddeus was aware when he invited him to make his suburban +home his headquarters while his own house was being renovated and +his family abroad. Thaddeus was also aware that the +breakfast and dinner hours under Bessie’s régime +were nominally those of his friend, and so he was able to assure +Mr. Liscomb that his coming would in no way disturb the usual +serenity of the domestic pond. The trusting friend +came. Breakfast number one was served fifteen minutes after +the hour, and for the first time in ten years Mr. Liscomb was +late in arriving at his office. He had not quite recovered +from the chagrin consequent upon his tardiness when that evening +he sat down to dinner at Thaddeus’s house, served an hour +and ten minutes late, Ellen having been summoned by wire to town +to buy a pair of shoes for one of her sister’s children, +the sister herself suffering from poverty and toothache.</p> +<p>“I hope you were not delayed seriously this morning, Mr. +Liscomb,” said Bessie, after dinner.</p> +<p>“Oh no, not at all!” returned Liscomb, polite +enough to tell an untruth, although its opposite was also a part +of his system.</p> +<p>“Ellen must be more prompt with breakfast,” said +Thaddeus. “Seven, sharp, is the hour. Did you +speak to her about it?”</p> +<p>“No, but I intend to,” answered Bessie. +“I’ll tell her the first thing after breakfast +to-morrow. I meant to have spoken about it to-day, but when +I got down-stairs she had gone out.”</p> +<p>“Was it her day out?”</p> +<p>“No; but her sister is sick, and she was sent for. +It was all right. She left word where she was going with +Jane.”</p> +<p>“That was very considerate of her,” said Liscomb, +politely.</p> +<p>“Yes,” said Bessie. “Ellen’s a +splendid woman.”</p> +<p>Later on in the evening, about half-past nine, when Mr. +Liscomb, wearied with the excitement of the first irregular day +he had known from boyhood, retired, Thaddeus took occasion to +say:</p> +<p>“Bessie, I think you’d better tell Ellen about +having breakfast promptly in the morning to-night, before we go +to bed.”</p> +<p>“Very well,” returned Bessie, “I’ll go +down now and do it;” and down she went. In a moment +she was back. “The poor thing was so tired,” +she said, “that she went to bed as soon as dinner was +cooked, so I couldn’t tell her.”</p> +<p>“Why didn’t you send up word to her by +Jane?”</p> +<p>“Oh, she <i>must</i> be asleep by this time!”</p> +<p>“Oh!” said Thaddeus.</p> +<p>It was nine o’clock the next morning when Ellen opened +her eyes. Breakfast had been served a half-hour earlier, +Jane and Bessie having cooked some eggs, which Bessie ate alone, +since Thaddeus and Liscomb were compelled to take the +eight-o’clock train to town, hungry and forlorn. +Liscomb was very good-natured about it to Thaddeus, but his +book-keeper had a woful tale to tell of his employer’s +irritability when he returned home that night. As for +Thaddeus, he spoke his mind very plainly—to Liscomb. +Bessie never knew what he said, nor did any of the servants; but +he said it to Liscomb, and, as Liscomb remarked later, he seemed +like somebody else altogether while speaking, he was so fierce +and determined about it all. That night a telegram came +from Liscomb, saying that he had been unexpectedly delayed, and +that, as there were several matters requiring his attention at +his own home, he thought he would not be up again until +Sunday.</p> +<p>Bessie was relieved, and Thaddeus was mad.</p> +<p>“We <i>must</i> have those rules,” he said.</p> +<p>And so they were brought out. Ellen received them with +stolid indifference; Jane with indignation, if the slamming of +doors in various parts of the house that day betokened +anything. Norah accepted them without a murmur. It +made no difference to Norah on what day she swept the parlor, nor +did she seem to care very much because her “days at +home” were shifted, so that her day out was Friday instead +of Thursday.</p> +<p>“Has Ellen said anything about the rules, my +dear?” asked Thaddeus, a week or two later.</p> +<p>“Not a word,” returned Bessie.</p> +<p>“Has she ‘looked’ anything?”</p> +<p>“Volumes,” Bessie answered.</p> +<p>“Does she take exception to any of them?”</p> +<p>“No,” said Bessie, “and I’ve +discovered why, too. She hasn’t read them.”</p> +<p>Thaddeus was silent for a minute. Then he said, quite +firmly for him, “She must read them.”</p> +<p>“<i>Must</i> is a strong word, Teddy,” Bessie +replied, “particularly since Ellen can’t +read.”</p> +<p>“Then you ought to read them to her.”</p> +<p>“That’s what I think,” Bessie answered, +amiably. “I’m going to do it very +soon—day after to-morrow, I guess.”</p> +<p>“What has Jane said?” asked Thaddeus, biting his +lip.</p> +<p>Bessie colored. Jane had expressed herself with +considerable force, and Bessie had been a little afraid to tell +Thaddeus what she had said and done.</p> +<p>“Oh, nothing much,” she answered. +“She—she said she’d never worn caps like a +common servant, and wasn’t going to begin now; and then she +didn’t like having to clean the silver on Saturday +afternoons, because the silver-powder got into her finger-nails; +and that really is too bad, Teddy, because Saturday night is the +night her friends come to call, and silver-powder is awfully hard +to get out of your nails, you know; and, of course, a girl wants +to appear neat and clean when she has callers.”</p> +<p>“Of course,” said Thaddeus. “And I +judge by the appearance of the brass fenders that she +doesn’t like to polish them up on Wednesday because it +gives her a backache on Thursday, which is her day +out.”</p> +<p>Bessie’s eyes took on their watery aspect again.</p> +<p>“Do the fenders look so very badly, Ted?” she +asked.</p> +<p>“They’re atrocious,” said Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“I’m sorry, dear; but I did my best. I +polished them myself this afternoon; Jane had to go to a +funeral.”</p> +<p>“Oh, my!” cried Thaddeus. “This +subject’s too much for me. Let’s go +out—somewhere, anywhere—to a concert. Music +hath its charms to soothe a savage breast, and my breast is +simply the very essence of wildness to-night. Put on your +things, Bess, and hurry, or I’ll suffocate.”</p> +<p>Bessie did as she was told, and before ten o’clock the +happy pair had forgotten their woes, nor do I think they would +have remembered them again that night had they not found on their +return home that they were locked out.</p> +<p>At this even the too amiable Bessie was angry—very +angry—unjustly, as it turned out afterwards.</p> +<p>“They weren’t to blame, after all,” she +explained to Thaddeus, when he came home the next night. +“I spoke to them about it, and they all thought we’d +spend the night with your mother and father at the +Oxford.”</p> +<p>“They’re a thoughtful lot,” said +Thaddeus.</p> +<p>And so time passed. The “treasures” did as +they pleased; the dubious auburn-haired Norah continued her +aggravating efficiency. Bessie’s days were spent in +anticipation of an interview of an unpleasant nature with Jane or +Ellen “to-morrow.” Thaddeus’s former +smile grew less perpetual—that is, it was always visible +when Bessie was before him, but when Bessie was elsewhere, so +also was the token of Thaddeus’s amiability. He +chafed under the tyranny, but it never occurred to him but once +that it would be well for him to interview Ellen and Jane; and +then, summoning them fiercely, he addressed them mildly, ended +the audience with a smile, and felt himself beneath their sway +more than ever.</p> +<p>Then something happened. A day came and went, and the +morrow thereof found Thaddeus dethroned from even his nominal +position of head of the house. There was a young Thaddeus, +an eight-pound Thaddeus, a round, red-cheeked, bald-headed +Thaddeus that looked more like the Thaddeus of old than Thaddeus +did himself; and then, at a period in which man feels himself the +least among the insignificant, did our hero find happiness +unalloyed once more, for to the pride of being a father was added +the satisfaction of seeing Jane and Ellen acknowledge a +superior. Make no mistake, you who read. It was not +to Thaddeus junior that these gems bowed down. It was to +the good woman who came in to care for the little one and his +mother that they humbled themselves.</p> +<p>“She’s great,” said Thaddeus to himself, as +he watched Jane bustling about to obey the command of the +temporary mistress of the situation as she had never bustled +before.</p> +<p>“She’s a second Elizabeth,” chuckled +Thaddeus, as he listened to an order passed down the dumb-waiter +shaft from the stout empress of the moment to the trembling queen +of the kitchen.</p> +<p>“She’s a little dictatorial,” whispered +Thaddeus to his newspaper, when the monarch of all she surveyed +gave him <i>his</i> orders. “But there are times, +even in a Republic like this, when a dictator is an +advantage. I hate to see a woman cry, but the way Jane wept +at the routing Mrs. Brown gave her this morning was a finer sight +than Niagara.”</p> +<p>But, alas! this happy state of affairs could not last +forever. Thaddeus was just beginning to get on easy terms +with Mrs. Brown when she was summoned elsewhere.</p> +<p>“Change of heir is necessary for one in her +profession,” sighed Thaddeus; and then, when he thought of +resuming the reins himself, he sighed again, and wished that Mrs. +Brown might have remained a fixture in the household +forever. “Still,” he added, more to comfort +himself than because he had any decided convictions to +express—“still, a baby in the house will make a +difference, and Ellen and Jane will behave better now that +Bessie’s added responsibilities put them more upon their +honor.”</p> +<p>For a time Thaddeus’s prophecy was correct. Ellen +and Jane did do better for nearly two months, and then—but +why repeat the old story? Then they lapsed, that is all, +and became more tyrannical than ever. Bessie was so busy +with little Ted that the household affairs outside of the nursery +came under their exclusive control. Thaddeus stood +it—I was going to say nobly, but I think it were better put +ignobly—but he had a good excuse for so doing.</p> +<p>“A baby is an awful care to its mother,” he said; +“a responsibility that takes up her whole time and +attention. I don’t think I’d better complicate +matters by getting into a row with the servants.”</p> +<p>And so it went. A year and another year passed. +The pretty home was beginning to look old. The bloom of its +youth had most improperly faded—for surely a home should +never fade—but there was the boy, a growing delight to his +father, so why complain? Better this easy-going life than +one of domestic contention.</p> +<p>Then on a sudden the boy fell ill. The doctor +came—shook his head gravely.</p> +<p>“You must take him to the sea-shore,” he +said. “It is his only chance.”</p> +<p>And to the sea-shore they went, leaving the house in charge of +the treasures.</p> +<p>“I have confidence in you,” said Thaddeus to Jane +and Ellen on the morning of the departure, “so I have +decided to leave the house open in your care. Mrs. Perkins +wants you to keep it as you would if she were here. +Whatever you need to make yourselves comfortable, you may +get. Good-bye.”</p> +<p>“What a comfort it is,” said Bessie, when they had +reached the sea-shore, and were indulging in their first bit of +that woful luxury, homesickness—“what a comfort it is +to feel that the girls are there to look after things! An +empty house is such a temptation to thieves.”</p> +<p>“Yes,” said Thaddeus. “I hope they +won’t entertain too much, though.”</p> +<p>“Ellen and Jane are too old for that sort of +thing,” Bessie answered.</p> +<p>“How about Norah?”</p> +<p>“Oh, I forgot to tell you. There was nothing +really for Norah to do, so I told her she could go off and stay +with her mother on board-wages.”</p> +<p>“Good!” said Thaddeus, with a pleased smile. +“It isn’t a bad idea to save, particularly when you +are staying at the sea-shore.”</p> +<p>In this contented frame of mind they lived for several +weeks. The boy grew stronger every day, and finally +Thaddeus felt that the child was well enough to warrant his +running back home for a night, “just to see how things were +going.” That the girls were faithful, of course, he +did not doubt; the regularity with which letters addressed to him +at home—and they were numerous—reached him convinced +him of that; but the hamper containing the week’s wash, +which Ellen and Jane were to send, and which had been expected on +Thursday of the preceding week, had failed for once to arrive; +the boy had worn one dress four days, Thaddeus’s collars +were getting low, and altogether he was just a little uneasy +about things. So he availed himself of his opportunity and +went home, taking with him a friend, in consideration of whom he +telegraphed ahead to Ellen to prepare a good breakfast, not +caring for dinner, since he and his companion expected to dine at +the club and go to the theatre before going out to his home.</p> +<p>The result would have been fatal to Bessie’s peace of +mind had she heard of it during her absence from home. But +Thaddeus never told her, until it was a matter of ancient +history, that when he arrived at home, a little after midnight, +he found the place deserted, and was compelled to usher his +friend in through the parlor window; that from top to bottom the +mansion gave evidence of not having seen a broom or a dust-brush +since the departure of the family; that Jane had not been seen in +the neighborhood for one full week—this came from those +living on adjoining property; that Ellen had been absent since +early that morning, and was not expected to return for three +days; and, crowning act of infamy, that he, Thaddeus, and his +friend were compelled to breakfast next morning upon a half of a +custard pie, a bit mouldy, found by the lord of the manor on the +fast-melting remains of a cake of ice in the refrigerator. +Whether it would have happened if Thaddeus had not been +accompanied by a friend, whose laughter incited him to great +deeds, or not I am not prepared to say, but something important +did happen. Thaddeus rose to the occasion, and committed an +act, and committed it thoroughly. The Thaddeus of old, the +meek, long-suffering, too amiable Thaddeus, disappeared. +The famous smile was given no chance to play. His wife was +absent, and the smile was far away with her. Thaddeus, with +one fell blow, burst his fetters and became free.</p> +<p>That afternoon, when he had returned to the seaboard, Bessie +asked him, “How was the house?”</p> +<p>“Beautiful,” said Thaddeus, quite truthfully; for +it was.</p> +<p>“Did Ellen say anything about the hamper?”</p> +<p>“Not a word.”</p> +<p>“Did you speak to her about it?”</p> +<p>“Nope.”</p> +<p>“Oh, Teddy! How could you forget it?”</p> +<p>To the lasting honor of Thaddeus be it said that he bore up +under this unflinchingly.</p> +<p>“Did you have a good breakfast, Ted?” Bessie +asked, returning to the subject later.</p> +<p>“Very,” said Thaddeus, thinking of the hearty meal +he and his fellow-sufferer had eaten at the club after getting +back to town. “We had a tomato omelet, coffee, toast, +rice cakes, tenderloin steak, and grits.”</p> +<p>“Dear me!” smiled Bessie; she was so glad her +Teddy had been so well treated. “All that? +Ellen must have laid herself out.”</p> +<p>“Yes,” said Thaddeus; “I think she +did.”</p> + +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p>All the following week Thaddeus seemed to have a load on his +mind—a load which he resolutely refused to share with his +wife—and on Friday he found it necessary to go up to +town.</p> +<p>“I thought this was your vacation,” remonstrated +Bessie.</p> +<p>“Well, so it is,” said Thaddeus. +“But—but I’ve got one or two matters to attend +to—matters of very great importance—so that I think +I’ll have to go.”</p> +<p>“If you must, you must,” said Bessie. +“But I think it’s horrid of your partner to make you +go back to town this hot weather.”</p> +<p>“Don’t be cross with my partner,” said +Thaddeus; “especially my partner in this matter.”</p> +<p>“Have you different partners for different +matters?” queried Bessie.</p> +<p>“Never mind about that, my dear; you’ll know all +about it in time, so don’t worry.”</p> +<p>“All right, Teddy. But I don’t like to have +you running away from me when I’m at a hotel. +I’d rather be home, anyhow. Can’t I go with +you? Little Ted is well enough now to go home.”</p> +<p>“Not this time; but you can go up next Wednesday if you +wish,” returned Thaddeus, with a slight show of +embarrassment.</p> +<p>And so it was settled, and Thaddeus went to town. On +Wednesday they all left the sea-shore to return to +Phillipseburg.</p> +<p>“Oh, how lovely it looks!” ejaculated Bessie, as +she entered the house, Norah having opened the door. +“But—er—where’s Jane, Norah?”</p> +<p>“Cookin’ the dinner, mim.”</p> +<p>“Why, Jane can’t cook.”</p> +<p>“If you please, mim, this is a new Jane.”</p> +<p>Bessie’s parasol fell to the floor. “A +wha-a-at?” she cried.</p> +<p>“A new Jane. Misther Perkins has dispinsed with +old Jane and Ellen, mim.”</p> +<p>Bessie rushed up-stairs to her room and cried. The shock +was too sudden. She longed for Thaddeus, who had remained +at the station collecting the bath-tubs and other luxuries of the +baby from the luggage-van, to come. What did it all +mean? Jane and Ellen gone! New girls in their +places!</p> +<p>And then Thaddeus came, and made all plain to the little +woman, and when he was all through she was satisfied. He +had discharged the tyrants, and had supplied their places. +The latter was the important business which had taken him to +town.</p> +<p>“But, Teddy,” Bessie said, with a smile, when she +had heard all, “how did poor mild little you ever have the +courage to face those two women and give them their +discharge?”</p> +<p>Teddy blushed. “I didn’t,” he +answered, meekly; “I wrote it.”</p> +<p>Five years have passed since then, and all has gone +well. Thaddeus has remained free, and, as he proudly +observes, domestics now tremble at his approach—that is, +all except Norah, who remembers him as of old. Ellen and +Jane are living together in affluence, having saved their wages +for nearly the whole of their term of +“service.” Bessie is happy in the possession of +two fine boys, to whom all her attention—all save a little +reserved for Thaddeus—is given; and, as for the dubious, +auburn-haired, and distinctly Celtic Norah, Thaddeus is afraid +that she is developing into a “treasure.”</p> +<p>“Why do you think so?” Bessie asked him, when he +first expressed that fear.</p> +<p>“Oh, she has the symptoms,” returned +Thaddeus. “She has taken three nights off this +week.”</p> +<h2><a name="page45"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 45</span>MR. +BRADLEY’S JEWEL</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">Thaddeus</span> was tired, and, therefore, +Thaddeus was grumpy. One premise only was necessary for the +conclusion—in fact, it was the only premise upon which a +conclusion involving Thaddeus’s grumpiness could find a +foothold. If Thaddeus felt rested, everything in the world +could go wrong and he would smile as sweetly as ever; but with +the slightest trace of weariness in his system the smile would +fade, wrinkles would gather on his forehead, and grumpiness set +in whether things were right or wrong. On this special +occasion to which I refer, things were just wrong enough to give +him a decent excuse—outside of his weariness—for his +irritation. Norah, the housemaid, had officiously +undertaken to cover up the shortcomings of John, who should have +blacked Thaddeus’s boots, and who had taken his day off +without preparing the extra pair which the lord of the manor had +expected to wear that evening. It was nice of the +housemaid, of course, to try to black the extra pair to keep John +out of trouble, but she might have been more +discriminating. It was not necessary for her to polish, +until they shone like Claude Lorraine glasses, two right boots, +one of which, paradoxical as it may seem, was consequently the +wrong boot; so that when Thaddeus came to dress for the +evening’s diversion there was nowhere to be found in his +shoe-box a bit of leathern gear in which his left foot might +appear in polite society to advantage. Possibly Thaddeus +might have endured the pain of a right boot on a left foot, had +not Norah unfortunately chosen for that member a box-toed boot, +while for the right she had selected one with a very decided +acute angle at its toe-end.</p> +<p>“Just like a woman!” ejaculated Thaddeus, +angrily.</p> +<p>“Yes,” returned Bessie, missing Thaddeus’s +point slightly. “It was very thoughtful of Norah to +look after John’s work, knowing how important it was to +you.”</p> +<p>Fortunately Thaddeus was out of breath trying to shine up the +other pointed-toe shoe, so that his only reply to this was a +look, which Bessie, absorbed as she was in putting the studs in +Thaddeus’s shirt, did not see. If she had seen it, I +doubt if she would have been so entirely happy as the tender +little song she was humming softly to herself seemed to indicate +that she was.</p> +<p>“Some people are born lucky!” growled Thaddeus, as +he finished rubbing up the left boot, giving it a satin finish +which hardly matched the luminous brilliance of its mate, though +he said it would do. “There’s Bradley, now; he +never has any domestic woes of this sort, and he pays just half +what we do for his servants.”</p> +<p>“Oh, Mr. Bradley. I don’t like him!” +ejaculated Bessie. “You are always talking about Mr. +Bradley, as if he had an automaton for a servant.”</p> +<p>“No, I don’t say he has an automaton,” +returned Thaddeus. “Automatons don’t often +work, and Bradley’s jewel does. Her name is Mary, but +Bradley always calls her his jewel.”</p> +<p>“I’ve heard of jewels,” said Bessie, +thinking of the two Thaddeus and she had begun their married life +with, “but they’ve always seemed to me to be paste +emeralds—awfully green, and not worth much.”</p> +<p>“There’s no paste emerald about Bradley’s +girl,” said Thaddeus. “Why, he says that woman +has been in Mrs. Bradley’s employ for seven weeks now, and +she hasn’t broken a bit of china; never sweeps dust under +the beds or bureaus; keeps the silver polished so that it looks +as if it were solid; gets up at six every morning; cooks well; is +civil, sober, industrious; has no hangers-on—”</p> +<p>“Is Mr. Bradley a realist or a romancer?” asked +Bessie.</p> +<p>“Why do you ask that?” replied Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“That jewel story sounds like an <i>Arabian Nights</i> +tale,” said Bessie. “I don’t believe that +it is more than half true, and that half is +exaggerated.”</p> +<p>“Well, it <i>is</i> true,” said Thaddeus. +“And, what is more, the girl helps in the washing, plays +with the children, and on her days out she stays at home and does +sewing.”</p> +<p>Bessie laughed. “She must be a regular +Koh-i-noor,” she said. “I suppose Mr. Bradley +pays her a thousand dollars a month.”</p> +<p>“No, he doesn’t; he pays her twelve,” said +Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“Then he is just what I said he was,” snapped +Bessie—“a mean thing. The idea—twelve +dollars a month for all that! Why, if she could prove she +was all that you say she is, she could make ten times that amount +by exhibiting herself. She is a curiosity. But if I +were Mrs. Bradley I wouldn’t have her in the house. +So many virtues piled one on the other are sure to make an unsafe +structure, and I believe some poor, miserable little vice will +crop out somewhere and upset the whole thing.”</p> +<p>“You are jealous,” said Thaddeus; and then he went +out.</p> +<p>The next day, meeting his friend Bradley on the street, +Thaddeus greeted him with a smile, and said, “Mrs. Perkins +thinks you ought to take up literature.”</p> +<p>“Why so?” asked Bradley.</p> +<p>“She thinks De Foe and Scott and Dumas and Stevenson +would be thrown into the depths of oblivion if you were to write +up that jewel of yours,” said Thaddeus. “She +thinks your Mary is one of the finest, most imaginative creations +of modern days.”</p> +<p>“She doubts her existence, eh?” smiled +Bradley.</p> +<p>“Well, she thinks she’s more likely to be a myth +than a Smith,” said Thaddeus. “She told me to +ask you if Mary has a twin-sister, and to say that if you hear of +her having any relatives at all—and no domestic ever lived +who hadn’t—to send her their addresses. +She’d like to employ a few.”</p> +<p>“I am sorry Mrs. Perkins is so blinded by +jealousy,” said Bradley, with a smile. “And I +regret to say that Mary hasn’t a cousin on the whole police +force, or, in fact, any kind of a relative whatsoever, unless she +prevaricates.”</p> +<p>“Too bad,” said Thaddeus. “I had a +vague hope we could stock up on jewels of her kind. Where +did you get her, anyhow—Tiffany’s?”</p> +<p>“No. At an unintelligence office,” said +Bradley. “She was a last resort. We had to have +some one, and she was the only girl there. We took her for +a week on trial without references, and, by Jove! she turned out +a wonder.”</p> +<p>Thaddeus grinned, and said: “Give her time, +Bradley. By-the-way, at what hours is she on +exhibition? I’d like to see her.”</p> +<p>“Come up to-night and test the truth of what I +say,” said Bradley. “I won’t let anybody +know you are coming, and you’ll see her just as we see +her. What do you say?”</p> +<p>The temptation was too strong for Thaddeus to resist, and so +it was that Bessie received a telegram that afternoon from her +beloved, stating that he would dine with Bradley, and return home +on a late train. The telegram concluded with the line, +“<i>I’m going to appraise the escaped +crown-jewel</i>.”</p> +<p>Bessie chuckled at this, and stayed up until long after the +arrival of the last train, so interested was she to hear from +Thaddeus all about the Bradley jewel, who, as she said, +“seemed too good to be true”; but she was finally +forced to retire disappointed and somewhat anxious, for Thaddeus +did not return home that night.</p> +<p>Somewhere in the neighborhood of eight o’clock the next +morning Bessie received a second telegram, which read as +follows:</p> +<p>“<i>Do not worry</i>. <i>I am all right</i>. +<i>Will be home about nine</i>, <i>Have breakfast</i>.”</p> +<p>“Now I wonder what on earth can have kept him?” +Bessie said. “Something has happened, I am +sure. Perhaps an accident on the elevated, or +maybe—”</p> +<p>She did not finish the sentence, but rushed into the library +and snatched up the morning paper, scanning its every column in +the expectation, if not hope, of finding that some horrible +disaster had occurred, in which her Thaddeus might have been +involved. The paper disclosed nothing of the sort. +Only a few commonplace murders, the usual assortment of +defalcations, baseball prophecies, and political prognostications +could Bessie discover therein. Never, in fact, had the +newspaper seemed so uninteresting—not even a +bargain-counter announcement was there—and with an +impatient, petulant stamp of her little foot she threw the +journal from her and returned to the dining-room. It was +then half-past eight, and, hardly able to contain herself with +excitement, Bessie sat down by the window, and almost, if not +quite, counted every swing of the pendulum that pushed the hands +of the clock on to the desired hour. She could not eat, and +not until curiosity was gratified as to what it was that had +detained Thaddeus, and that, more singular still, was bringing +him home instead of sending him to business at nine o’clock +in the morning, could she, in fact, do anything?</p> +<p>Finally, the grinding sounds of carriage wheels on the gravel +road without were heard, and in an instant Bessie was at the door +to welcome the prodigal. And what a Thaddeus it was that +came home that morning! His eyes showed conclusively that +he had had no sleep, save the more or less unsatisfactory napping +which suburban residents get on the trains. His beautiful +pearl-gray scarf, that so became him when he left home the +previous morning, was not anywhere in sight. His cheek was +scratched, and every button that his vest had ever known had +taken wings unto itself and flown, Bessie knew not whither. +And yet, tired out as he was, dishevelled as he was, Thaddeus was +not grumpy, but inclined rather to explosive laughter as he +entered the house.</p> +<p>“Why, Thaddeus!” cried Bessie, in alarm. +“What on earth is the matter with you? You look as if +you had been in a riot.”</p> +<p>“That’s a pretty good guess, my dear,” +returned Thaddeus, with a laugh, “but not quite the right +one.”</p> +<p>“But tell me, what have you been doing? Where have +you been?”</p> +<p>“At Bradley’s, my love.”</p> +<p>“You haven’t been—been quarrelling with Mr. +Bradley?”</p> +<p>“No. Bradley’s jewel has proved your +husband’s Waterloo, as well as the Sedan of Bradley +himself,” returned Thaddeus, throwing his head back and +bursting out into a loud guffaw.</p> +<p>“I am not good at riddles, Thaddeus,” said Bessie, +“and I haven’t laughed much myself since that last +train came in last night and didn’t bring you. I +think you might tell me—”</p> +<p>“Why, my dear little girl,” said Thaddeus, walking +to her side and kissing her, “I didn’t mean to keep +you in suspense, and of course I’ll tell you.”</p> +<p>Then, as they ate their breakfast, Thaddeus explained. +“I told Bradley that you were a sceptic on the subject of +his jewel,” he said, “and he offered to prove that +she was eighteen carats fine by taking me home with him, an +unexpected guest, by which act he would test her value to my +satisfaction. Of course, having cast doubts upon her +excellence, I had to accept, and at half-past five he and I +boarded an elevated train for Harlem. At six we stood +before Bradley’s front door, and as he had left his keys at +the office, he rang the bell and waited. It was a long +wait, considering the presence of a jewel within doors. It +must have lasted fifteen minutes, and even that would have been +but the beginning, in spite of repeated and continuous pulling of +the bell-handle, had we not determined to enter through the +reception-room window.”</p> +<p>“Did you try the basement door?” queried Bessie, +with a smile, for it pleased her to hear that the jewel was not +quite flawless.</p> +<p>“Yes,” said Thaddeus. “We rang four +times at the basement, and I should say seven times at the front +door, and then we took to the window. Bradley’s is +one of those narrow English-basement houses with a small yard in +front, so that the reception-room window is easy to reach by +climbing over the vault leading to the basement door, which is +more or less of a cellar entrance. Fortunately the window +was unlocked. I say fortunately, because it enabled us to +get into the house, though if I were sitting on a jury I think I +should base an indictment—one of criminal +negligence—of the Jewel on the fact that it was +unlocked. It was just the hour, you know, when policemen +yawn and sneak-thieves prowl.”</p> +<p>“How careless!” vouchsafed Bessie.</p> +<p>“Very,” said Thaddeus. “But this time +it worked for the good of all concerned, although my personal +appearance doesn’t give any indication that I gained +anything by it. In fact, it would have been better for me +if the house had been hermetically sealed.”</p> +<p>“Don’t dally so much, Thaddeus,” put in +Bessie. “I’m anxious to hear what +happened.”</p> +<p>“Well, of course Bradley was very much concerned,” +continued Thaddeus. “It was bad enough not to be able +to attract the maid’s attention by ringing, but when he +noticed that the house was as dark as pitch, and that despite the +clanging of the bell, which could be heard all over the +neighborhood, even his wife didn’t come to the door, he was +worried; and he was more worried than ever when he got +inside. We lit the gas in the hall, and walked back into +the dining-room, where we also lighted up, and such confusion as +was there you never saw! The table-cloth was in a heap on +the floor; Bradley’s candelabra, of which he was always so +proud, were bent and twisted out of shape under the table; +glasses broken beyond redemption were strewn round about; and a +mixture of pepper, salt, and sugar was over +everything.”</p> +<p>“‘I believe there have been thieves here,’ +said Bradley, his face turning white. And then he went to +the foot of the stairs and called up to his wife, but there no +answer.</p> +<p>“Then he started on a dead run up the stair. Above +all was in confusion, as in the dining-room. Vases were +broken, pictures hung awry on the walls; but nowhere was Mrs. +Bradley or one of the Bradley children to be seen.</p> +<p>“Then we began a systematic search of the house. +Everywhere everything was upside-down, and finally we came to a +door on the third story back, leading into the children’s +play-room, and as we turned the knob and tried to open it we +heard Mrs. Bradley’s voice from within.</p> +<p>“‘Who’s there?’ she said, her voice +all of a tremble.</p> +<p>“‘It is I!’ returned Bradley. +‘Open the door. What is the meaning of all +this?’</p> +<p>“‘Oh, I’m so glad you have come!’ +returned Mrs. Bradley, with a sob, and then we heard sounds as of +the moving of heavy furniture. Mrs. Bradley, for some as +yet unexplained reason, seemed to have barricaded herself in.</p> +<p>“Finally the door was opened, and Mrs. Bradley buried +her face on her husband’s shoulder and sobbed +hysterically.</p> +<p>“‘What on earth is the matter?’ asked +Bradley, as his children followed their mother’s lead, +except that they buried their faces in his coat-tail +pockets. ‘What has happened?’</p> +<p>“‘Mary!’ gasped Mrs. Bradley.”</p> +<p>“The jewel?” asked Bessie.</p> +<p>“The same,” returned Thaddeus, with a smile. +“She was the jewel, alas! now deprived of her former +glorious setting.</p> +<p>“‘What’s the matter with Mary?’ asked +Bradley.</p> +<p>“‘She’s been behaving outrageously. I +found her this morning,’ said Mrs. Bradley, +‘rummaging through my escritoire, throwing things all over +the floor; and when I remonstrated she said she was looking for a +sheet of paper on which to write a letter. I told her she +should have asked me for it, and she replied impertinently that +she never asked favors of anybody. I told her to leave the +room, and she declined to do it, picking up a sofa-pillow and +throwing it at me. I was so overcome I nearly +fainted.’”</p> +<p>“I should think she would have been overcome! Such +impudence!” said Bessie.</p> +<p>“Humph!” said Thaddeus. “That +isn’t a marker to what followed. Why, according to +Mrs. Bradley’s story, that escaped Koh-i-noor called her +all sorts of horrible names, threw an empty ink-pot at a +photograph of Bradley himself, that stood on the mantel, and +then, grabbing up a whisk-broom, literally swept everything else +there was on the mantel off to the floor with it. This +done, she began to overturn chairs with an ardor born of temper, +apparently; and, finally, Mrs. Bradley got so frightened that she +ran from the room, and the jewel started in pursuit. +Straight to the nursery ran the lady of the house—for there +was where the children were, playing house, no doubt, with little +idea that jewels sometimes deteriorated. Once in the +nursery, Mrs. Bradley slammed the door to, locked it, and then, +still fearful, rolled before it the bureau and the +children’s cribs. After that the actions of the jewel +could only be surmised. The door was pounded and the +atmosphere of the hall was rent with violent harangues; then a +hurried step was heard as the jewel presumably sailed +below-stairs; then crashings were heard—crashings which +might have indicated the smashing of windows, of picture-glass, +of mirrors, chairs, and other household appurtenances, after +which, Mrs. Bradley observed, all became still.”</p> +<p>“Mercy! what a trial!” said Bessie.</p> +<p>“And was she locked up in the nursery all +day?”</p> +<p>“From twelve until we rescued her at a little after +six,” said Thaddeus. “Then Bradley and I +started out to find the jewel, if possible, and I regret to say +that it was possible. We found her asleep on the kitchen +table, and Bradley hadn’t any more sense than to try and +wake her up. He succeeded too well. For the next ten +minutes she was the most wide-awake woman you ever saw, and she +kept us wide awake too. The minute she opened her eyes and +saw us standing before her, she sprang to her feet and made a +rush at Bradley, for which he was totally unprepared, the +consequence of which was that in an instant he found himself +sitting in a very undignified manner, for the head of the house, +on the kitchen floor, trying to collect his somewhat scattered +faculties.</p> +<p>“When she had persuaded Bradley to take a seat, she +turned to shower her attentions on me. I jumped to one +side, but she managed to grab hold of my vest, and hence its +buttonless condition. By this time Bradley was on his feet +again, and, having had the temerity to face his jewel the second +time, he again came off second best, losing one of the +button-holes of his collar in the mêlée. I +rushed in from behind, and flirtatiously, perhaps, tried to grab +hold of her hands, coming off the field minus a necktie, but plus +that picturesque scratch you see on my nose. Stopping a +moment to count up my profit and loss, I let Bradley make the +next assault, which resulted in a drawn battle, Bradley losing +his watch and his temper, the jewel losing her breath and her +balance. So it went on for probably three or four minutes +longer, though we certainly acquired several years of experience +in those short minutes, until finally we managed to conquer +her. This done, we locked her up in a closet.”</p> +<p>“Had she been at the cooking-sherry?” asked +Bessie.</p> +<p>“We thought so at first, and Bradley sent for a +policeman,” said Thaddeus “but when he came we found +the poor creature too exhausted to be moved, and in a very short +while Mrs. Bradley decided that it was a case for a doctor and +not for a police-justice. So the doctor was summoned, and +we waited, dinnerless, in the dining-room for his verdict, and +finally it came. <i>Bradley’s jewel was +insane</i>!”</p> +<p>“Insane!” echoed Bessie.</p> +<p>“Mad as a hatter,” replied Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“Well, I declare!” said Bessie, +thoughtfully. “But, Thaddeus, do you know I am not +surprised.”</p> +<p>“Why, my dear?” he asked.</p> +<p>“Because, Teddy, she was too perfect to be in her right +mind.”</p> +<p>And Thaddeus, after thinking it all over, was inclined to +believe that Bessie was in the right.</p> +<p>“Yes, Bess, she was perfect—perfect in the way she +did her work, perfect in the way she smashed things, and nowhere +did she more successfully show the thoroughness with which she +did everything than when it came to removing the buttons from my +vest. Isn’t it too bad that the only perfect servant +that ever lived should turn out to be a hopeless maniac? +But I must hurry off, or I’ll miss my train.”</p> +<p>“You are not going down to town to-day?” asked +Bessie.</p> +<p>“To-day, above all other days, am I going down,” +returned Thaddeus. “I am enough of a barbarian to be +unwilling to lose the chance of seeing Bradley, and asking him +how he and his jewel get along.”</p> +<p>“Thaddeus!”</p> +<p>“Why not, my dear?”</p> +<p>“It would be too mean for anything.”</p> +<p>“Well, perhaps you are right. I guess I +won’t. But he has rubbed it into me so much about our +domestics that I hate to lose the chance to hit back.”</p> +<p>“Has he?” said Bessie, her face flushing +indignantly, and, it may be added, becomingly. “In +that case, perhaps, you might—ha! ha!—perhaps you +might telegraph and ask him.”</p> +<p>And Thaddeus did so. As yet he has received no +reply.</p> +<h2><a name="page71"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +71</span>UNEXPECTED POMP AT THE PERKINS’S</h2> +<p>“<span class="smcap">My</span> dear,” said +Thaddeus, one night, as he and Mrs. Perkins entered the library +after dinner, “that was a very good dinner to-night. +Don’t you think so?”</p> +<p>“All except the salmon,” said Bessie, with a +smile.</p> +<p>“Salmon?” echoed Thaddeus. +“Salmon? I did not see any salmon.”</p> +<p>“No,” said Bessie, “that was just the +trouble. It didn’t come up, although it was in the +house before dinner, I’m certain. I saw it +arrive.”</p> +<p>“Ellen couldn’t have known you intended it for +dinner,” said Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“Yes, she knew it was for dinner,” returned +Bessie, “but she made a mistake as to whose dinner it was +for. She supposed it was bought for the kitchen-table, and +when I went down-stairs to inquire about it a few minutes ago it +was fulfilling its assumed mission nobly. There +wasn’t much left but the tail and one fin.”</p> +<p>“Well!” ejaculated Thaddeus, “I call that a +pretty cool proceeding. Did you give her a talking +to?”</p> +<p>“No,” Bessie replied, shortly; “I despise a +domestic fuss, so I pretended I’d gone down to talk about +breakfast. We’ll have breakfast an hour or two +earlier to-morrow, dear.”</p> +<p>“What’s that for?” queried Thaddeus, his +eyes open wide with astonishment. “You are not going +shopping, are you?”</p> +<p>“No, Teddy, I’m not; but when I got down-stairs +and realized that Ellen had made the natural mistake of supposing +the fish was for the down-stairs dinner, this being Friday, I had +to think of something to say, and nothing would come except that +we wanted breakfast at seven instead of at eight. It +doesn’t do to have servants suspect you of spying upon +them, nor is it wise ever to appear flustered—so mamma +says—in their presence. I avoided both by making +Ellen believe I’d come down to order an early +breakfast.”</p> +<p>“You are a great Bessie,” said Thaddeus, with a +laugh. “I admire you more than ever, my dear, and to +prove it I’d get up to breakfast if you’d ordered it +at 1 <span class="GutSmall">A.M.</span>”</p> +<p>“You’d be more likely to stay up to it,” +said Bessie, “and then go to bed after it.”</p> +<p>“There’s your Napoleonic mind again,” said +Thaddeus. “I should never have thought of that way +out of it. But, Bess,” he continued, “when I +was praising to-night’s dinner I had a special object in +view. I think Ellen cooks well enough now to warrant us in +giving a dinner, don’t you?”</p> +<p>“Well, it all depends on what we have for dinner,” +said Bessie. “Ellen’s biscuits are atrocious, I +think, and you know how lumpy the oatmeal always is.”</p> +<p>“Suppose we try giving a dinner with the oatmeal and +biscuit courses left out?” suggested Thaddeus, with a +grin.</p> +<p>Bessie’s eyes twinkled. “You make very +bright after-dinner speeches, Teddy,” she said. +“I don’t see why we can’t have a dinner with +nothing but pretty china, your sparkling conversation, and a few +flowers strewn about. It would be particularly satisfactory +to me.”</p> +<p>“They’re not all angels like you, my dear,” +Thaddeus returned. “There’s Bradley, for +instance. He’d die of starvation before we got to the +second course in a dinner of that kind, and if there is any one +thing that can cast a gloom over a dinner, it is to have one of +the guests die of starvation right in the middle of +it.”</p> +<p>“Mr. Bradley would never do so ungentlemanly a +thing,” said Bessie, laughing heartily. “He is +too considerate a man for that; he’d starve in silence and +without ostentation.”</p> +<p>“Why this sudden access of confidence in Bradley?” +queried Thaddeus. “I thought you didn’t like +him?”</p> +<p>“Neither I did, until that Sunday he spent with +us,” Bessie answered. “I’ve admired him +intensely ever since. Don’t you remember, we had +lemon pie for dinner—one I made myself?”</p> +<p>“Yes, I remember,” said Thaddeus; “but I +fail to see the connection between lemon pie and Bradley. +Bradley is not sour or crusty.”</p> +<p>“You wouldn’t have failed to see if you’d +watched Mr. Bradley at dinner,” retorted Bessie. +“He ate two pieces of it.”</p> +<p>“And just because a man eats two pieces of lemon pie +prepared by your own fair hands you whirl about, and, from +utterly disliking him, call him, upon the whole, one of the most +admirable products of the human race?” said Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“Not at all,” Bessie replied, with a broad smile; +“but I did admire the spirit and politeness of the +man. On our way home from church in the morning we were +talking about the good times children have on their little +picnics, and Mr. Bradley said he never enjoyed a picnic in his +life, because every one he had ever gone to was ruined by the +baleful influence of lemon pie.”</p> +<p>Thaddeus laughed. “Then he didn’t like lemon +pie?” he asked.</p> +<p>“No, he hated it,” said Bessie, joining in the +laugh. “He added that the original receipt for it +came out of Pandora’s box.”</p> +<p>“Poor Bradley!” cried Thaddeus, throwing his head +back in a paroxysm of mirth. “Hated +pie—declared his feelings—and then to be confronted +by it at dinner.”</p> +<p>“He behaved nobly,” said Bessie. “Ate +his first piece like a man, and then called for a second, like a +hero, when you remarked that it was of my make.”</p> +<p>“You ought to have told him it wasn’t necessary, +Bess,” said Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“I felt that way myself at first,” Bessie +explained; “but then I thought I wouldn’t let him +know I remembered what he had said.”</p> +<p>“I fancy that was better,” said Thaddeus. +“But about that dinner. What do you say to our +inviting the Bradleys, Mr. and Mrs. Phillips, the Robinsons, and +the Twinings?”</p> +<p>“How many does that make? Eight besides +ourselves?” asked Bessie, counting upon her fingers.</p> +<p>“Yes—ten altogether,” said Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“It can’t be done, dear,” said Bessie. +“We have only eight fruit plates.”</p> +<p>“Can’t you and I go without fruit?” Thaddeus +asked.</p> +<p>“Not very well,” laughed Bessie. “It +would never do.”</p> +<p>“They might think the fruit was poisoned if we did, +eh?” suggested Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“Besides, Mary never could serve dinner for ten; eight +is her number. Last time we had ten people, don’t you +remember, she dropped a tray full of dishes, and poured the +claret into the champagne glasses?”</p> +<p>“Oh, yes, so she did,” said Thaddeus. +“That’s how we came to have only eight fruit +plates. I remember. I don’t think it was the +number of people at the table, though. It was Twining +caused the trouble, he had just made the pleasant remark that he +wouldn’t have an Irish servant in his house, when Mary +fired the salute.”</p> +<p>“Then that settles it,” said Bessie. +“We’ll cut the Twinings out, and ask the +others. I don’t care much for Mrs. Twining, anyhow; +she’s nothing but clothes and fidgets.”</p> +<p>“And Twining doesn’t do much but ask you what you +think of certain things, and then tell you you are all wrong when +he finds out,” said Thaddeus. “Yes, it’s +just as well to cut them off this time. We’ll make it +for eight, and have it a week from Thursday night.”</p> +<p>“That’s Mary’s night off,” said +Bessie.</p> +<p>“Then how about having it Friday?”</p> +<p>“That’s Maggie’s night off, and there +won’t be anybody to mind the baby.”</p> +<p>“Humph!” said Thaddeus. “I wish there +were a baby safe-deposit company somewhere. Can’t +your mother come over and look after him?”</p> +<p>“No,” said Bessie, “she can’t. +The child always develops something every time mother +comes. Not, of course, that I believe she gives it to him, +but she looks for things, don’t you know.”</p> +<p>“Yes,” said Thaddeus, “I know. Then +make it Wednesday. That’s my busy day down-town, and +I shan’t be able to get home much before half-past six, but +if dinner is at seven, there will be time enough for me to +dress.”</p> +<p>“Very well,” said Bessie. “I will +write the invitations to-morrow, and, meanwhile, you and I can +get up the menu.”</p> +<p>“Oysters to begin with, of course,” said +Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“I suppose so,” said Bessie, “though, you +remember, the last time we had oysters you had to open them, +because the man from the market didn’t get here until +half-past seven.”</p> +<p>“And Ellen had never opened any except with a +tack-hammer,” said Thaddeus. “Yes, I +remember. But lightning never strikes twice in the same +place. Put down the oysters. Then we’ll have +some kind of a purée—celery purée, +eh?”</p> +<p>“That will be very good if Ellen can be induced to keep +it thick.”</p> +<p>“Perhaps we’d better tell her we want a celery +consommé,” suggested Thaddeus. “Then it +will be sure to be as thick as a dictionary.”</p> +<p>“I guess it will be all right,” said Bessie. +“What kind of fish?”</p> +<p>“Bradley likes salmon; Robinson likes sole; Phillips +likes whitebait, and so do I.”</p> +<p>“We’ll have whitebait,” said Bessie, +simply. “Then a saddle of mutton?”</p> +<p>“Yes, and an entrée of some kind, and next +individual ruddy ducks.”</p> +<p>“No Roman punch?”</p> +<p>“We can get along without that, I think,” said +Thaddeus. “We want to keep this dinner down to +Mary’s comprehension, and I’m afraid she +wouldn’t know what to make of an ice in the middle of the +dinner. The chances are she’d want to serve it +hot.”</p> +<p>“All right, Teddy. What next?”</p> +<p>“I would suggest a lemon pie for Bradley,” smiled +Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“What do you say to Ellen’s making one of her +tipsy-cakes?” suggested Bessie.</p> +<p>“Just the thing,” said Thaddeus, smacking his lips +with enthusiasm. “I could eat a million of +’em. Then we can finish up with coffee and +fruit.”</p> +<p>So it was settled. The invitations were sent out, and +Bessie devoted her energies for the next ten days to making +ready.</p> +<p>Ellen’s culinary powers were tested at every meal. +For dinner one night she was requested to prepare the +purée, which turned out to be eminently +satisfactory. Thaddeus gave her a few practical lessons in +the art of opening oysters, an art of which he had become a +master in his college days—in fact, if his own words were +to be believed, it was the sole accomplishment he had there +acquired which gave any significance whatever to his degree of B. +A.—so that in case the “fish gentleman” failed +to appear in time nothing disastrous might result. Other +things on the menu were also ordered at various times, and all +went so well that when Thaddeus left home on the chosen Wednesday +morning, it was with a serene sense of good times ahead. +The invited guests had accepted, and everything was +promising.</p> +<p>As Thaddeus had said, Wednesday was his busy day, and never +had it been busier than upon this occasion. Everything +moved smoothly, but there was a great deal to move, and finally, +when all was done, and Thaddeus rose to leave his desk, it was +nearly six o’clock, and quite impossible for him to reach +home before seven. “I shall be late,” he said, +as he hurried off; and he was right. He arrived at home +coincidently with his guests, rushed to his room, and +dressed. But one glimpse had he of Bessie, and that was as +they passed on the stairs, she hurrying down to receive her +guests, he hurrying up to change his clothes.</p> +<p>“Oh, Thad!” was all she said, but to Thaddeus it +was disconcerting.</p> +<p>“What is the matter, dear?” he asked.</p> +<p>“Nothing; I’ll tell you later. Hurry,” +she gasped, “or the dinner will be spoiled.”</p> +<p>Thaddeus hurried as he never hurried before, and in fifteen +minutes walked, immaculate as to attire, into the drawing-room, +where Bessie, her color heightened to an unusual degree, and her +usually bright eyes fairly flaming with an unwonted brilliance, +was entertaining the Bradleys, the Phillipses, and the +Robinsons.</p> +<p>“Didn’t expect me, did you?” said Thaddeus, +as he entered the room.</p> +<p>“No,” said Bradley, dryly. “This is an +unexpected pleasure. I didn’t even know you were a +friend of the family.”</p> +<p>“Well, I am,” said Thaddeus. “One of +the oldest friends I’ve got, in fact, which is my sole +excuse for keeping you waiting. Old friends are +privileged—eh, Mrs. Robinson?”</p> +<p>“Dinner is served,” came a deep bass voice from +the middle of the doorway.</p> +<p>Thaddeus jumped as if he had seen a ghost, and, turning to see +what could have caused the strange metamorphosis in the soprano +tremolo of Mary’s voice, was astonished to observe in the +parting of the portières not the more or less portly Mary, +but a huge, burly, English-looking man, bowing in a most +effective and graceful fashion to Mrs. Bradley, and then +straightening himself up into a pose as rigid and uncompromising +as that of a marble statue.</p> +<p>“What on earth—” began Thaddeus, with a +startled look of inquiry at Bessie. But she only shook her +head, and put her finger to her lips, enjoining silence, which +Thaddeus, fortunately, had the good sense to understand, even if +his mind was not equal to the fathoming of that other mystery, +the pompous and totally unexpected butler.</p> +<p>But if Thaddeus was surprised to see the butler, he was amazed +at the dinner which the butler served. Surely, he thought, +if Ellen can prepare a dinner like this, she ought to be above +taking sixteen dollars and a home a month. It was simply a +regal repast. The oysters were delicious, and the +purée was superior to anything Thaddeus had ever eaten in +the line of soups in his life—only it was lobster +purée, and ten times better than Ellen’s general run +of celery purée. He winked his eye to denote his +extreme satisfaction to Bessie when he thought no one was +looking, but was overwhelmed with mortification when he observed +that the wink had been seen by the overpowering butler, who +looked sternly at him, as much as to say, “’Ow wery +wulgar!”</p> +<p>“I must congratulate your cook upon her lobster +purée, Mrs. Perkins,” said Mr. Phillips. +“It is delicious.”</p> +<p>“Yes,” put in Thaddeus. “But you ought +to taste her celery purée. She is undoubtedly great +on purées.”</p> +<p>Bessie coughed slightly and shook her head at Thaddeus, and +Thaddeus thought he detected the germ of a smile upon the cold +face of the butler. He was not sure about it, but it +curdled his blood just a little, because that ghost of a smile +seemed to have just a tinge of a sneer in it.</p> +<p>“This isn’t the same cook you had last time, is +it?” asked Bradley.</p> +<p>“Yes,” said Thaddeus. “Same one, +though it was my wife who made that lem—”</p> +<p>“Thaddeus,” interrupted Bessie, “Mrs. +Robinson tells me that she and Mr. Robinson are going down to New +York to the theatre on Friday night. Can’t we all +go?”</p> +<p>“Certainly,” said Thaddeus. “I’m +in on any little diversion of that sort. Why, what’s +this?—er—why, yes, of course. Phillips, +you’ll go; and you, too, eh, Bradley?”</p> +<p>Thaddeus was evidently much upset again; for, instead of the +whitebait he and Bessie had decided upon for their fish course, +the butler had entered, bearing in a toplofty fashion a huge +silver platter, upon which lay a superb salmon, beautifully +cooked and garnished. This he was now holding before +Thaddeus, and stood awaiting his nod of approval before serving +it. Inasmuch as Thaddeus not only expected whitebait, but +had also never before seen the silver platter, it is hardly +surprising that he should sit staring at the fish in a puzzled +sort of way. He recovered shortly, however, gave the nod +the butler was waiting for, and the dinner proceeded. And +what a dinner it was! Each new course in turn amazed +Thaddeus far more than the course that had preceded it; and now, +when the butler, whom Thaddeus had got more or less used to, came +in bearing a bottle of wine, followed by another stolid, +well-dressed person, who might have been his twin-brother and who +was in reality no more than assistant to the other, Thaddeus +began to fear that the wine he had partaken of had brought about +that duplication of sight which is said to be one of the symptoms +of over-indulgence. Either that or he was dreaming, he +thought; and the alternative was not a pleasant one, for Thaddeus +did not over-indulge, and as a person of intellect he did not +deem it the proper thing to dream at the dinner-table, since the +first requisite of dreaming is falling asleep. This +Thaddeus never did in polite society.</p> +<p>To say that he could scarcely contain himself for curiosity to +know what had occurred to bring about this singular condition of +affairs is to put it with a mildness which justice to Thaddeus +compels me to term criminal. Yet, to his credit be it said, +that through the whole of the repast, which lasted for two hours, +he kept silent, and but for a slight nervousness of manner no one +would have suspected that he was not as he had always been. +Indeed, to none of the party, not even excepting his wife, did +Thaddeus appear to be anything but what he should be. But +when, finally, the ladies had withdrawn and the men remained over +the coffee and cigars, he was compelled to undergo a still +severer test upon his loyalty to Bessie, whose signal to him to +accept all and say nothing he was so nobly obeying.</p> +<p>Bradley began it. “I didn’t know you’d +changed from women to men servants, Perkins?”</p> +<p>“<i>Yes</i>,” said Thaddeus “we’ve +changed.”</p> +<p>“Rather good change, don’t you think?”</p> +<p>“Splendid,” said Phillips. “That +fellow served the dinner like a prince.”</p> +<p>“I don’t believe he’s any more than a duke, +though,” said Bradley. “His manner was quite +ducal—in fact, too ducal, if Perkins will let me +criticise. He made me feel like a poor, miserable, +red-blooded son of the people. I wanted an olive, and, by +Jove, I didn’t dare ask for it.”</p> +<p>“That wasn’t his fault,” said Robinson, with +a laugh. “You forget that you live in a country where +red blood is as good as blue. Where did you get him, +Thaddeus?”</p> +<p>Thaddeus looked like a rat in a corner with a row of cats to +the fore.</p> +<p>“Oh!—we—er—we got him from—dear +me! I never can remember. Mrs. Perkins can tell you, +though,” he stammered. “She looks after the +menagerie.”</p> +<p>“What’s his name?” asked Phillips.</p> +<p>Thaddeus’s mind was a blank. He could not for the +life of him think what name a butler would be likely to have, but +in a moment he summoned up nerve enough to speak.</p> +<p>“Grimmins,” he said, desperately.</p> +<p>“Sounds like a Dickens’ character,” said +Robinson. “Does he cost you very much, +Thad?”</p> +<p>“Oh no—not so very much,” said Thaddeus, +whose case was now so desperate that he resolved to put a stop to +it all. Unfortunately, his method of doing so was not by +telling the truth, but by a flight of fancy in which he felt he +owed it to Bessie to indulge.</p> +<p>“No—he doesn’t cost much,” he +repeated, boldly. “Fact is, he is a man we’ve +known for a great many years. He—er—he used to +be butler in my grandfather’s house in Philadelphia, +and—er—and I was there a great deal of the time as a +boy, and Grimmins and I were great friends. When my +grandfather died Grimmins disappeared, and until last month I +never heard a word of him, and then he wrote to me stating that +he was out of work and poor as a fifty-cent +table-d’hôte dinner, and would like employment at +nominal wages if he could get a home with it. We were just +getting rid of our waitress, and so I offered Grimmins thirty a +month, board, lodging, and clothes. He came on; I gave him +one of my old dress-suits, set him to work, and there you +are.”</p> +<p>“I thought you said a minute ago Mrs. Perkins got +him?” said Bradley, who is one of those disagreeable men +with a memory.</p> +<p>“I thought you were talking about the cook,” said +Thaddeus, uneasily. “Weren’t you talking about +the cook?”</p> +<p>“No; but we ought to have been,” said Phillips, +with enthusiasm. “She’s the queen of +cooks. What do you pay her?”</p> +<p>“Sixteen,” said Thaddeus, glad to get back on the +solid ground of truth once more.</p> +<p>“What?” cried Phillips. “Sixteen, and +can cook like that? Take me down and introduce me, will +you, Perkins? I’d like to offer her seventeen to come +and cook for me.”</p> +<p>“Let’s join the ladies,” said Thaddeus, +abruptly. “There’s no use of our wasting our +sweetness upon each other.”</p> +<p>If the head of the house had expected to be relieved from his +unfortunate embarrassments by joining the ladies, he was doomed +to bitter disappointment, for the conversation abandoned at the +table was resumed in the drawing-room. The dinner had been +too much of a success to be forgotten readily.</p> +<p>Thaddeus’s troubles were set going again when he +overheard Phillips saying to Bessie, “Thaddeus has been +telling us the remarkable story of Grimmins.”</p> +<p>Nor were his woes lightened any when he caught Bessie’s +reply: “Indeed? What story is that?”</p> +<p>“Why, the story of the butler—Grimmins, you +know. How you came to get him, and all that,” said +Phillips. “Really, you are to be +congratulated.”</p> +<p>“I am glad to know you feel that way,” said +Bessie, simply, with a glance at Thaddeus which was full of +wonderment.</p> +<p>“He is a treasure,” said Bradley; “but your +cook is a whole chestful of treasures. And how fortunate +you and Thaddeus are! The idea of there being anywhere in +the world a person of such ability in her vocation, and so poor a +notion of her worth!”</p> +<p>Thaddeus breathed again, now that the cook was under +discussion. He knew all about her.</p> +<p>“Yes, indeed,” said Bessie. “He did +well.”</p> +<p>“I mean the cook,” returned Bradley. +“You mean she did well, don’t you?”</p> +<p>What Bessie would have answered, or what Thaddeus would have +done next if the conversation had been continued, can be a matter +of unprofitable speculation only, for at this point a wail from +above-stairs showed that Master Perkins had awakened, and the +ladies, considerate of Bessie’s maternal feelings, promptly +rose to take their leave, and in ten minutes she and Thaddeus +were alone.</p> +<p>“What on earth is the story of Grimmins, +Thaddeus?” she asked, as the door closed upon the departing +guests.</p> +<p>Thaddeus threw himself wearily down upon the sofa and +explained. He told her all he had said about the butler and +the cook.</p> +<p>“That’s the story of Grimmins,” he said, +when he had finished.</p> +<p>“Oh, dear me, dear me!” cried Bessie, “you +told the men that, and I—I, Thaddeus, told the women the +truth. Why, it’s—it’s awful. +You’ll never hear the end of it.”</p> +<p>“Well, now that they know the truth, Bess,” +Thaddeus said, “suppose you let me into the secret. +What on earth is the meaning of all this—two butlers, +silver platters, dinner fit for the gods, and all?”</p> +<p>“It’s all because of the tipsy-cake,” said +Bessie.</p> +<p>“The what?” asked Thaddeus, sitting up and gazing +at his wife as if he questioned her sanity.</p> +<p>“The tipsy-cake,” she repeated. “I +gave Ellen the bottle of brandy you gave me for the tipsy-cake, +and—and she drank half of it.”</p> +<p>“And the other half?”</p> +<p>“Mary drank that. They got word this morning that +their brother was very ill, and it upset them so I don’t +believe they knew what they were doing; but at one o’clock, +when I went down to lunch, there was no lunch ready, and when I +descended into the kitchen to find out why, I found that the fire +had gone out, and both girls were—both girls were asleep on +the cellar floor. They’re there yet—locked in; +and all through dinner I was afraid they might come to, +and—make a rumpus.”</p> +<p>“And the dinner?” said Thaddeus, a light breaking +through into his troubled mind.</p> +<p>“I telegraphed to New York to Partinelli at once, +telling him to serve a dinner for eight here to-night, supplying +service, cook, dinner, and everything, and at four o’clock +these men arrived and took possession. It was the only +thing I could do, Thad, wasn’t it?”</p> +<p>“It was, Bess,” said Thaddeus, gravely. +“It was great; but—by Jove, I wish I’d known, +because—Did you really tell the ladies the truth about +it?”</p> +<p>“Yes, I did,” said Bessie. “They were +so full of praises for everything that I didn’t think it +was fair for me to take all the credit of it, so I told them the +whole thing.”</p> +<p>“That was right, too,” said Thaddeus; “but +those fellows will never let me hear the end of that infernal +Grimmins story. I almost wish we—”</p> +<p>“You wish what, Teddy dear?”</p> +<p>“I almost wish we had not attempted the tipsy-cake, and +had stuck to my original suggestion,” said Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“What was that?” Bessie asked.</p> +<p>“To have lemon pie for dessert, for Bradley’s +sake,” answered Thaddeus, as he locked the front door and +turned off the gas.</p> +<h2><a name="page101"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 101</span>AN +OBJECT-LESSON</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was early in the autumn. +Mr. and Mrs. Perkins, with their two hopefuls, had returned from +a month of rest at the mountains, and the question of school for +Thaddeus junior came up.</p> +<p>“He is nearly six years old,” said Bessie, +“and I think he is quite intelligent enough to go to +school, don’t you?”</p> +<p>“Well, if you want my honest opinion,” Thaddeus +answered, “I think he’s intelligent enough to go +without school for another year at least. I don’t +want a hot-house boy, and I have always been opposed to forcing +these little minds that we are called upon by circumstances to +direct. It seems to me that the thing for us to do is to +hold them back, if anything. If Teddy goes to school now, +he’ll be ready for college when he is twelve. +He’ll be graduated at sixteen, and at twenty he’ll be +practising law. At twenty-five he’ll be leader of the +bar; and then—what will there be left for him to achieve at +fifty? Absolutely nothing.”</p> +<p>Mrs. Perkins laughed. “You have great hopes for +Teddy, haven’t you?”</p> +<p>“Certainly I have,” Thaddeus replied; “and +why shouldn’t I? Doesn’t he combine all my good +qualities plus yours? How can he be anything else than +great?”</p> +<p>“I am afraid there’s a touch of vanity in +you,” said Mrs. Perkins, with a smile. “That +remark certainly indicates it.”</p> +<p>“No—it’s not vanity in me,” said +Thaddeus. “It’s confidence in you. +You’ve assured me so often of my perfection that I am +beginning to believe in it; and as for your perfection, +I’ve always believed in it. Hence, when I see Teddy +combining your perfect qualities with my own, I regard him as a +supernaturally promising person—that is, I do until he +begins to show the influence of contact with the hired man, and +uses language which he never got from you or from me.”</p> +<p>“Granting that he is great at twenty-five,” said +Mrs. Perkins, after a few moments’ reflection, “is +that such a horrible thing?”</p> +<p>“It isn’t for the parents of the successful youth, +but for the successful youth himself it’s something +awful,” returned Thaddeus, with a convincing shake of the +head. “If no one ever lived beyond the age of +thirty-five it wouldn’t be so bad, but think of living to +be even so young as sixty, with a big reputation to sustain +through more than half of that period! I wouldn’t +want to have to sustain a big name for twenty-five years. +Success entails conspicuousness, and conspicuousness makes error +almost a crime. Put your mind on it for a moment. +Think of Teddy here. How nervous it would make him in +everything he undertook to feel that the eyes of the world were +upon him. And take into consideration that other +peculiarity of human nature which leads us all, you and me as +well as every one else, to believe that the man who does not +progress is going backward, that there is no such thing as +standing still; then think of a man illustrious enough for +seventy at twenty-five—at the limit of success, with all +those years before him, and no progress possible! No, my +dear. Don’t let’s talk of school for Teddy +yet.”</p> +<p>“I am sure I don’t want to force him,” said +Mrs. Perkins, “but it sometimes seems to me that he needs +lessons in discipline. I can’t be following around +after him all the time, and it seems to me some days that I do +nothing but find fault with him. I don’t want him to +think I’m a stern mother; and when he tells me, as he did +yesterday, that he wishes I’d take a vacation for a month, +I can’t blame him.”</p> +<p>“Did he tell you that?” asked Thaddeus, with a +chuckle.</p> +<p>“Yes, he did,” replied Mrs. Perkins. +“I’d kept him in a chair for an hour because he would +tease Tommy, and when finally I let him go I told him that he was +wearing me out with his naughtiness. About an hour later he +came back and said, ‘You have an awful hard time +bringin’ me up, don’t you?’ I said yes, +and added that he might spare me the necessity of scolding him so +often, to which he replied that he’d try, but thought it +would be better if I’d take a vacation for a month. +He hadn’t much hope for his own improvement.”</p> +<p>Thaddeus shook internally.</p> +<p>“He’s perfectly wild, too, at times,” Mrs. +Perkins continued. “He wants to do such fearful +things. I caught him sliding down the banisters yesterday +head-foremost, and you know how he was at the Mountain House all +summer long. Perfectly irrepressible.”</p> +<p>“That’s very true,” said Thaddeus. +“I was speaking of it to the doctor up there, and asked him +what he thought I’d better do.”</p> +<p>“And what did he say?” asked Mrs. Perkins.</p> +<p>“He stated his firm belief that there was nothing you or +I could do to get him down to a basis, but thought Hagenbeck +might accomplish something.”</p> +<p>“No doubt he thought that,” cried Bessie. +“No doubt everybody thought that, but it wasn’t +entirely Teddy’s fault. If there is anything in the +world that is well calculated to demoralize an active-minded, +able-bodied child, it is hotel life. Teddy was egged on to +all sorts of indiscretions by everybody in the hotel, from the +bell-boys up. If he’d stand on his head on the +cashier’s desk, the cashier would laugh first, and then, to +get rid of him, would suggest that he go into the dining-room and +play with the headwaiter; and when he upset the contents of his +bait-box in Mrs. Harkaway’s lap, she interfered when I +scolded him, and said she liked it. What can you do when +people talk that way?”</p> +<p>“Get him to upset his bait-box in her lap again,” +said Thaddeus. “I think if he had been encouraged to +do that as a regular thing, every morning for a week, she’d +have changed her tune.”</p> +<p>“Well, it all goes to prove one thing,” said Mrs. +Perkins, “and that is, Teddy needs more care than we can +give him personally. We are too lenient. Whenever you +start in to punish him it ends up with a game; when I do it, and +he says something funny, as he always does, I have to +laugh.”</p> +<p>“How about the ounce-of-prevention idea?” +suggested Thaddeus. “We’ve let him go without a +nurse for a year now—why can’t we employ a maid to +look after him—not to boss him, but to keep an eye on +him—to advise him, and, in case he declines to accept the +advice, to communicate with us at once? All he needs is +directed occupation. As he is at present, he directs his +own occupation, with the result that the things he does are of an +impossible sort.”</p> +<p>“That means another servant for me to manage,” +sighed Mrs. Perkins.</p> +<p>“True; but a servant is easier to manage than +Teddy. You can discharge a servant if she becomes +impossible. We’ve got Teddy for keeps,” said +Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“Very well—so be it,” said Mrs. +Perkins. “You are right, I guess, about school. +He ought not to be forced, and I’d be worried about him all +the time he was away, anyhow.”</p> +<p>So it was decided that Teddy should have a nurse, and for a +day or two the subject was dropped. Later on Mrs. Perkins +reopened it.</p> +<p>“I’ve been thinking all day about Teddy’s +nurse, Thaddeus,” she said, one evening after dinner. +“I think it would be nice if we got him a French +nurse. Then he could learn French without any +forcing.”</p> +<p>“Good scheme,” said Thaddeus. “I +approve of that. We might learn a little French from her +ourselves, too.”</p> +<p>“That’s what I thought,” said Bessie and +that point was decided. The new nurse was to be French, and +the happy parents drew beatific visions of the ease with which +they should some day cope with Parisian hotel-keepers and others +in that longed-for period when they should find themselves able, +financially, to visit the French capital.</p> +<p>But—</p> +<p>Ah! Those buts that come into our lives! +Conjunctions they are called! Are they not rather +terminals? Are they not the forerunners of chaos in the +best-laid plans of mankind? If for every “but” +that destroys our plan of action there were ready always some +better-succeeding plan, then might their conjunctive force seem +more potent; as life goes, however, unhappily, they are not +always so provided, and the English “but” takes on +its Gallic significance, which leads the Frenchman to define it +as meaning “the end.”</p> +<p>There was an object-lesson in store for the Perkinses.</p> +<p>On the Sunday following the discussion with which this story +opens, the Perkinses, always hospitable, though distinctly +unsociable so far as the returning of visits went, received a +visit from their friends the Bradleys. Ordinarily a visit +from one’s town friends is no very great undertaking for a +suburban host or hostess, but when the town friends have children +from whom they are inseparable, and those children have nurses +who, whithersoever the children go, go there also, such a visit +takes on proportions the stupendousness of which I, being myself +a suburban entertainer, would prefer not to discuss, fearing lest +some of my friends with families, recalling these words, might +consider my remarks of a personal nature. Let me be content +with saying, therefore, that when the Bradleys, Mr. and Mrs., +plus Master and Miss, plus Harriet, the English nurse, came to +visit the Perkins homestead that Sunday, it was a momentous +occasion for the host and hostess, and, furthermore, like many +another momentous occasion, was far-reaching in its results.</p> +<p>In short, it provided the Perkins family with that +object-lesson to which I have already alluded.</p> +<p>The Bradleys arrived on Sunday night, and as they came late +little Harry Bradley and the still smaller Jennie Bradley were +tired, and hence not at all responsive to the welcomes of the +Perkinses, large or small. They were excessively +reticent. When Mrs. Perkins, kneeling before Master Harry, +asked him the wholly unnecessary question, “Why, is this +Harry?” he refused wholly to reply; nor could the +diminutive Jennie be induced to say anything but +“Yumps” in response to a similar question put to her, +“Yumps” being, it is to be presumed, a juvenilism for +“Yes, ma’am.” Hence it was that the +object-lesson did not begin to develop until breakfast on Sunday +morning. The first step in the lesson was taken at that +important meal, when Master Harry observed, in stentorian yet +sweetly soprano tones:</p> +<p>“Hi wants a glarse o’ milk.”</p> +<p>To which his nurse, standing behind his chair to relieve the +Perkinses’ maid of the necessity of looking after the +Bradley hopefuls, replied:</p> +<p>“’Ush, ’Arry, ’ush! Wite till +yer arsked.”</p> +<p>Mrs. Bradley nodded approval to Harriet, and observed quietly +to Mrs. Perkins that Harriet was such a treasure; she kept the +children so well in subjection.</p> +<p>The incident passed without making any impression upon the +minds of any but Thaddeus junior, who, taking his cue from Harry, +vociferously asserted that he, too, wished a glass of milk, and +in such terms as made the assertion tantamount to an +ultimatum.</p> +<p>Then Miss Jennie seemed to think it was her turn.</p> +<p>“Hi doan’t care fer stike. Hi wants +chickin,” said she. “I’n’t there +goin’ ter be no kikes?”</p> +<p>Mrs. Perkins laughed, though I strongly suspect that Thaddeus +junior would have been sent from the table had he ventured to +express a similar sentiment. Mrs. Bradley blushed; Bradley +looked severe; Perkins had that expression which all parents have +when other people’s children are involved, and which +implies the thought, “If you were mine there’d be +trouble; but since you are not mine, how cunning you +are!” But Harriet, the nurse, met the problem. +She said:</p> +<p>“Popper’s goin’ ter have stike, Jinnie; +m’yby Mr. Perkins’ll give yer lots o’ +gryvy. Hit i’n’t time fer the kikes.”</p> +<p>Perhaps I ought to say to those who have not studied dialect +as “she is spoke” that the word m’yby is the +Seven Dials idiom for maybe, itself more or less an Americanism, +signifying “perhaps,” while “kikes” is a +controvertible term for cakes.</p> +<p>After breakfast, as a matter of course, the senior members of +both families attended divine service, then came dinner, and +after dinner the usual matching of the children began. The +hopefuls of Perkins were matched against the scions of +Bradley. All four were brought down-stairs and into the +parental presence in the library.</p> +<p>“Your Harry is a fine fellow, Mrs. Bradley,” said +Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“Yes, we think Harry is a very nice boy,” returned +Mrs. Bradley, with a fond glance at the youth.</p> +<p>“Wot djer si about me, mar?” asked Harry.</p> +<p>“Nothing, dear,” replied Mrs. Bradley, raising her +eyebrows reprovingly.</p> +<p>“Yes, yer did, too,” retorted Harry. +“Yer said as ’ow hi were a good boy.”</p> +<p>“Well, ’e i’n’t, then,” +interjected Jennie. “’E’s a +bloomin’ mean un. ’E took a knoife an’ +cut open me doll.”</p> +<p>“’Ush, Jinnie, ’ush!” put in the +nurse. “Don’t yer tell tiles on +’Arry. ’E didn’t mean ter ’urt yer +doll. ’Twas a haxident.”</p> +<p>“No, ’twasn’t a haxident,” said +Jennie. “’E done it a-purpice.”</p> +<p>“Well, wot if hi did?” retorted Harry. +“Didn’t yer pull the tile off me +rockin’-’orse?”</p> +<p>“Well, never mind,” said Bradley, seeing how +strained things were getting. “Don’t quarrel +about it now. It’s all done and gone, and I dare say +you were both a little to blame.”</p> +<p>“’Hi war’n’t!” said Harry, and +then the subject was dropped. The children romped in and +out through the library and halls for some time, and the Bradleys +and Perkinses compared notes on various points of interest to +both. After a while they again reverted to the subject of +their children.</p> +<p>“Does Harry go to school?” asked Bessie.</p> +<p>“No, we think he’s too young yet,” returned +Mrs. Bradley. “He learns a little of something every +day from Harriet, who is really a very superior girl. She +is a good servant. She hasn’t been in this country +very long, and is English to the core, as you’ve probably +noticed, not only in her way of comporting herself, but in her +accent.”</p> +<p>“Yes, I’ve observed it,” said Bessie. +“What does she teach him?”</p> +<p>“Oh, she tells him stories that are more or less +instructive, and she reads to him. She’s taught him +one or two pretty little songs—ballads, you +know—too. Harry has a sweet little voice. +Harry, dear, won’t you sing that song about Mrs. Henry +Hawkins for mamma?”</p> +<p>“Don’t warn’ter,” said Harry. +“Hi’m sick o’ that bloomin’ old +song.”</p> +<p>“Seems to me I’ve heard it,” said +Thaddeus. “As I remember it, Harry, it was very +pretty.”</p> +<p>“It is,” said Bradley. “It’s the +one you mean—‘Oh, ’Lizer! dear +’Lizer! Mrs. ’Ennery +’Awkins.’ Harry sings it well, too; but I say, +Thad, you ought to hear the nurse sing it. It’s +great.”</p> +<p>“I should think it might be.”</p> +<p>“She has the accent down fine, you know.”</p> +<p>“Sort of born to it, eh?”</p> +<p>“Yes; you can’t cultivate that accent and get it +just right.”</p> +<p>“I’ll do ‘Dear Old Dutch’ for +yer,” suggested Harry. “Hi likes thet better +’n ‘Mrs. ’Awkins.’”</p> +<p>So Harry deserted “Mrs. ’Awkins” and sang +that other pathetic coster-ballad, “Dear Old Dutch,” +and, to the credit of Harriet, the nurse, it must be said that he +was marvellously well instructed. It could not have been +done better had the small vocalist been the own son of a London +coster-monger instead of the scion of an American family of +refinement.</p> +<p>Thus the day passed. Jennie proved herself quite as +proficient in the dialect of Seven Dials as was Harry, or even +Harriet, and when she consented to stand on a chair and recite a +few nursery rhymes, there was not an unnoticed “h” +that she did not, sooner or later, pick up and attach to some +other word to which it was not related, as she went along.</p> +<p>In short, as far as their speech was concerned, thanks to +association with Harriet, Jennie and Harry were as perfect little +cockneys as ever ignored an aspirate.</p> +<p>The visit of the Bradleys, like all other things, came to an +end, and Bessie, Thaddeus, and the children were once more left +to themselves. Teddy junior, it was observed, after his day +with Harry, developed a slight tendency to misplace the letter +“h” in his conversation, but it was soon corrected, +and things ran smoothly as of yore. Only—the Only +being the natural sequence of the But referred to some time +since—Mr. and Mrs. Perkins changed their minds about the +French nurse, and it came about in this way:</p> +<p>“Thaddeus,” said Bessie, after the Bradleys had +departed, “what is the tile of a +rockin’-’orse?”</p> +<p>“I don’t know. Why?” asked +Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“Why, don’t you remember,” she said, +“young Harry Bradley accused Jennie of pulling out the tile +of his rockin’-’orse?”</p> +<p>“Oh yes! Ha, ha!” laughed Thaddeus. +“So she did. I know now. Tile is cockney for +tail.”</p> +<p>“Did you notice the accent those children +had?”</p> +<p>“Yes.”</p> +<p>“All got from the nurse, too?”</p> +<p>“True.”</p> +<p>“Ah, Teddy, what do you think of our getting a French +maid, after all? Don’t you think that we’d run +a great risk?”</p> +<p>“Of what?”</p> +<p>“Of having Ted speak—er—cockney +French.”</p> +<p>“H’m—yes. Very likely,” said +Thaddeus. “I’d thought of that myself, and, I +guess, perhaps we’d better stick to Irish.”</p> +<p>“So do I. We can correct any tendency to a brogue, +don’t you think?”</p> +<p>“Certainly,” said Thaddeus. “Or, if we +couldn’t, it wouldn’t be fatal to the boy’s +prospects. It might even help him if he—”</p> +<p>“Help him? If what?”</p> +<p>“If he ever went into polities,” said Perkins.</p> +<p>And that was the object-lesson which a kindly fate gave to the +Perkinses in time to prevent their engaging a French maid for the +children.</p> +<p>As to its value as a lesson, as to the value of its results, +those who are familiar with French as spoken by nurse-instructed +youths can best judge.</p> +<p>I am not unduly familiar with that or any other kind of +French, but I have ideas in the matter.</p> +<h2><a name="page123"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 123</span>THE +CHRISTMAS GIFTS OF THADDEUS</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">That</span> you may thoroughly comprehend +how it happened that on last Christmas Day Thaddeus meted out +gifts of value so unprecedented to the domestics of what he has +come to call his “menagerie”—the term menage +having seemed to him totally inadequate to express the state of +affairs in his household—I must go back to the beginning of +last autumn, and narrate a few of the incidents that took place +between that period and the season of Peace on Earth and +Good-will to Men. Should I not do so there would be many, I +doubt not, who would deem Thaddeus’s course unjustifiable, +especially when we are all agreed that Christmas Day should be +for all sorts and conditions of men the gladdest, happiest day of +all the year.</p> +<p>Thaddeus and Bessie and the little Thad had returned to their +attractive home after an absence of two months in a section of +the Adirondacks whither the march of civilization had not carried +such comforts as gas, good beds, and other luxuries, to which the +little family had become so accustomed that real camp-life, with +its beds of balsam, lights of tallow, and “fried +coffee,” possessed no charms for them. They were all +renewed in spirit and quite ready to embark once more upon the +troubled seas of house-keeping; and, as they saw it on that first +night at home, their crew was a most excellent one. The +cook rose almost to the exalted level of a chef in the estimation +of Thaddeus as course upon course, to the number of seven, each +made up of some delicacy of the season, came to the table and +received the indorsement which comes from total +consumption. They were well served, too, these courses; and +the two heads of the family, when Mary, the waitress, would enter +the butler’s pantry, leaving them alone and unobserved, +nodded their satisfaction to each other across the snow-white +cloth, and by means of certain well-established signals, such as +shaking their own hands and winking the left eye simultaneously, +with an almost vicious jerk of the head, silently congratulated +themselves upon the prospects of a peaceful future in a domestic +sense.</p> +<p>“That was just the best dinner I have had in +centuries,” said Thaddeus, as they adjourned to the library +after the meal was over. “The broiled chicken was so +good, Bess, that for a moment I wished I were a bachelor again, +so that I could have it all; and after I got over my first +feeling of hesitation over the oysters, and realized that it was +September with an R—belated, it is true, but still +there—and ate six of them, I think I could have gone +down-stairs and given cook a diamond ring with seven solitaires +in it and a receipted bill for a seal-skin sacque. I +don’t see how we ever could have thought of discharging her +last June, do you?”</p> +<p>“It was a good dinner,” said Bessie, discreetly +ignoring the allusion to their intentions in June; for she had a +well-defined recollection that at that time Bridget had given +signs of emotional insanity every time she was asked to prepare a +five-o’clock breakfast for Thaddeus and his friends, to the +number of six, who had acquired the habit of going off on little +shooting trips every Saturday, making the home of Thaddeus their +headquarters over Sunday, when the game the huntsmen had bagged +the day before had to be plucked, cleaned, and cooked by her own +hands for dinner. “And it was nicely selected, +too,” she added. “I sometimes think that +I’ll let Bridget do the ordering at the market.”</p> +<p>“H’m! Well,” said Thaddeus, shaking +his head dubiously, “I haven’t a doubt that Bridget +could do it, and would be very glad to do it; but I don’t +believe in setting a cook up in business.”</p> +<p>“How do you mean?”</p> +<p>“I mean that I haven’t any doubt that Bridget +would in a very short time become a highly successful +produce-broker with bull tendencies. The chicken market +would be buoyant, and the quotations on the Stock Exchange of, +say, B., S., and P.-U.-C.—otherwise, Beef, Succotash, and +Picked-Up-Codfish—would rise to the highest point in +years. Why, my dear, by Christmas-time cook would have our +surplus in her own pocket-book; and in the place of the customary +five oranges and an apple she would receive from the butcher a +Christmas-card in the shape of a check of massive, if not +graceful, proportions. No, Bess, I think the old way is the +best.”</p> +<p>“Perhaps it is. By-the-way, John has kept the +grounds looking well, hasn’t he? The lawn +doesn’t seem to have a weed on it,” said Bessie, +walking to the window and gazing out at the soft velvety sward in +the glow of twilight.</p> +<p>“Yes, it looks pretty well; but there’s a small +heap of stuff over there near the fence which rather inclines me +to believe that the weeds have been pulled out within the last +few days—in fact, since you wrote to announce our +return. John is an energetic man in an emergency, and I +haven’t a doubt he has been here at least once a week ever +since we left. I’ll keep a record of John this +fall.”</p> +<p>And so the two contented home-comers talked happily along, and +when they closed their eyes in sleep that night they were, upon +the whole, very well satisfied with life.</p> +<p>Weeks elapsed, and with them some of the air-castles +collapsed. Whether custom staled the infinite variety of +the cook’s virtues, and age withered the efficiency of +Mary, the waitress, or whether something was really and radically +wrong with the girls, Thaddeus and Bessie could not make +out. Certain it was, however, that by slow degrees the +satisfaction for which that first dinner seemed to stand as +guarantor wore away, and dissatisfaction entered the +household. Mary developed a fondness for church at most +inconvenient hours—hours at which in fact, neither Thaddeus +nor Bessie had ever supposed church could be. That it was +eternal they both knew, but they had always supposed there were +intermissions. Then the cook’s family, which had +hitherto been moderately healthful, began to show signs of +invalidism, though no such calamity as actual dissolution ever +set its devastating step within the charmed circle of her +relatives. Cousins fell ill whom she alone could comfort; +nephews developed maladies for which she alone could care; and, +according to Thaddeus’s record, John had been compelled on +penalty of a fine to attend the funerals of some twenty-four +deceased intimate friends in less than two months, although the +newspapers contained no mention of the existence of a possible +epidemic in the Celtic quarter. It is true that John showed +a more pronounced desire to make his absence less inconvenient to +his employer than did Mary and the cook, by providing a +substitute when the Ancient Order of Funereal Hibernians +compelled him to desert the post of duty; but Thaddeus declared +the “remedy worse than the disease,” for the reason +that John’s substitute—his own +brother-in-law—was a weaver by trade, whose baskets the +public did not appreciate, and whose manner of cutting grass in +the early fall and of tending furnace later on was atrocious.</p> +<p>“If I could hire that man in summer,” Thaddeus +remarked one night when John’s substitute had +“fixed” the furnace so that the library resembled a +cold-storage room, “I think we could make this house an +arctic paradise. He seems to have a genius for taking +warmth by the neck and shaking enough degrees of heat out of it +to turn a conflagration into an iceberg. I think I’ll +tell the Fire Commissioners about him.”</p> +<p>“He can’t compare with John,” was +Bessie’s answer to this.</p> +<p>“No. I think that’s why John sends him here +when he is off riding in carriages in honor of his deceased +chums. By the side of Dennis, John is a jewel.”</p> +<p>“John is very faithful with the furnace,” said +Bessie. “He never lets it go down. Why, day +before yesterday I turned off every register in the house, and +even then had to open all the windows to keep from +suffocating.”</p> +<p>“But that wasn’t all John, my dear,” said +Thaddeus. “The Weather Bureau had something to do +with it. It was a warm day for this season of the year, +anyhow. If John could combine the two businesses of selling +coal and feeding furnaces, I think he would become a +millionaire. And, by-the-way, I think you ought to speak to +him, Bess, about the windows. Since you gave him the work +of window-cleaning to do, it is evident that he thinks I have +nothing to say in the matter, for he persistently ignores my +requests that he clean them in squares as they are made, and not +rub up a little circle in the middle, so that they look like +blocks of opalescent glass with plate-glass bulls’-eyes let +into the centre. Look at them now.”</p> +<p>“Dennis did that. John had to go to Mount Vernon +with his militia company to-day.”</p> +<p>“Dennis is well named, for his name is—But never +mind. I’ll credit John with his twelfth day off in +four weeks.”</p> +<p>From John to Bridget, in the matter of days off, was an easy +step, though such was Bessie’s consummate diplomacy that +Thaddeus would probably have continued in ignorance of the extent +to which Bridget absented herself had they not both taken +occasion one day to visit some relatives in Philadelphia, and on +their return home at night found no dinner awaiting them.</p> +<p>“What’s the matter now?” asked Thaddeus, a +little crossly, perhaps, for visiting relatives in Philadelphia +irritated him—possibly because he and they did not agree in +politics, and their assumption that Thaddeus’s party was +entirely made up of the ignorant and self-seeking was galling to +him. “Why isn’t dinner ready?”</p> +<p>“Mary says that an hour after we left cook got a +telegram from New York saying that her brother was dying, and she +had to go right off.”</p> +<p>“I thought that brother was dying last week?”</p> +<p>“No; that was her mother’s brother, he got +well. This is another person entirely.”</p> +<p>“Naturally,” snapped Thaddeus. “But +next time we get a cook let’s have one whose relatives are +all dead, or in the old country, where they can’t be +reached. I’m tired of this business.”</p> +<p>“Well, you shouldn’t be cross with me about it, +Thad,” said Bessie, with a teary look in her eyes. +“I have to put up with a great deal more of it than you +have, only you never know of it. Why, I’ve cooked +one-half of my own luncheons in the last month.”</p> +<p>“And the dinners, too, I’ll wager,” growled +Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“No; she’s always got home for dinner +heretofore.”</p> +<p>“Well, we’ll keep a record-book for her, too, +then. And we’ll be generous with her. +We’ll allow her just as I was allowed in +college—twenty-five per cent. in cuts. If she has +twenty-five and a fifth per cent. she goes.”</p> +<p>“I don’t think I understand,” said +Bessie.</p> +<p>“Well, we’ll put it this way: There are thirty +days in a month. That means ninety meals a month. If +she cooks sixty-seven and a half of them she can stay; if she +fails to cook the other twenty-two and a half she can stay; but +woe be unto her if she slips up by even so little as a millionth +part of the sixty-eighth!”</p> +<p>“I don’t see how you can manage the half part of +it.”</p> +<p>“We’ll leave that to her,” said Thaddeus, +firmly; “and, what is more, we’ll put John and Mary +on the same basis, and Dennis we won’t have on any basis at +all. A man who will take advantage of his brother’s +absence at a wake to black the shoes of that brother’s only +employer with stove-polish is not the kind of a man I want to +have around.”</p> +<p>“It will be a very good plan,” said Bessie, +“for all except Mary. Her absences she cannot well +avoid. She has to go to church.”</p> +<p>“How many times a week does she have to go?” +queried Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“She is required to go to confession.”</p> +<p>“Well, let her reform, and then she’ll have +nothing to go to confession for. I don’t believe +that’s where she goes, either. I notice that one-half +those evenings she takes off, permitting me to mind the front +door, and enabling us both to acquire proficiency in the art of +helping ourselves at dinner, there’s a fireman’s ball +or a policeman’s hop or a letter-carriers’ theatre +party going on somewhere in the county, and it’s my belief +the worshipping she does on these occasions is at the shrine of +Terpsichore or that of Melpomene, which is a heathen custom and +not to be tolerated here. If she’s so fond of living +in church we can quote to her Hamlet’s advice to +Ophelia—‘Get thee to a nunnery!’ Why, +Bess, I was mortified to death the other night when Bradley dined +here, he’s all the time bragging about his menagerie, and I +tried to bluff him out and make him believe we were waited on by +angels in disguise, and you know what happened. He came, +saw, and I was regularly knocked out. You let us in; we +waited on ourselves; cook had prepared the seven-o’clock +dinner at five to give her a chance to go to the hospital to see +her brother-in-law with the measles; John had one of his +Central-African fires on, and Bradley’s laughing about it +yet.”</p> +<p>“Mr. Bradley was very disagreeable the other night, +anyhow,” sniffed Bessie. “He acted as if he +were camping out!”</p> +<p>“Well, I can’t honestly say I blame him for +that,” retorted Thaddeus. “It only needed a +balsam bed and a hole in the roof to let the rain in on him to +complete the illusion.”</p> +<p>Finally, December came, and the tendencies of absenteeism on +the part of the servants showed no signs of abatement. They +were remonstrated with, but it made no difference. They +didn’t go out, they declared, because they wanted to, but +because they had to. Cook couldn’t let her relatives +go unattended. Mary’s religious scruples simply +dragged her out of the house, try as she would to stay in; and as +for John, as long as Dennis was on hand to take his place he +couldn’t see why Mr. Perkins was dissatisfied. To +tell the truth, John had recently imbibed some more or less +capitalistic—or anticapitalistic—doctrines, and he +was quite incapable of understanding why, if a street-contractor, +for instance, was permitted by the laws of the land to sublet the +work for which he had contracted, he, John, should not be +permitted to sublet his contract to Dennis, piecemeal, or even as +a whole, if he saw fit to do so.</p> +<p>Thaddeus, seeing that Bessie was very much upset by the +condition of affairs, had said little about it since Thanksgiving +Day, when he had said about as much as the subject warranted +after a six-course dinner had been hurried through in one hour, +two courses having been omitted that Bridget might catch the +train leaving for New York at 3.10. Nor would he have said +anything further than the final words of dismissal had he not +come home late one afternoon to dress for a dinner at his club, +when he discovered that, owing to the usual causes, the +week’s wash, which the combined efforts of cook and +waitress should have finished that day, was delayed twenty-four +hours, the consequence being that Thaddeus had to telephone to +the haberdashery for a dress-shirt and collar.</p> +<p>“It’s bad enough having one’s wife buy these +things for one, but when it comes to having a salesman sell you +over a telephone the style of shirt and collar ‘he always +wears himself,’ it is maddening,” began Thaddeus, and +then he went on at such an outrageous rate that Bessie became +hysterical, and Thaddeus’s conscience would not permit of +his going out at all that night, and that was the beginning of +the end.</p> +<p>“I’ll fix ’em at Christmas-time,” said +Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“You won’t forget them at Christmas, I hope, +Thad,” said Bessie, whose forgiving nature would not hear +of anything so ungenerous as forgetting the servants during the +holidays.</p> +<p>“No,” laughed Thaddeus. “I won’t +forget ’em. I’ll give ’em all the very +things they like best.”</p> +<p>“Oh, I see,” smiled Bessie. “On the +coals-of-fire principle. Well, I shouldn’t wonder but +it would work admirably. Perhaps they’ll be so +ashamed they’ll do better.”</p> +<p>“Perhaps—if the coals do not burn too deep,” +said Thaddeus, with a significant smile.</p> +<p>Christmas Eve arrived, and little Thad’s tree was +dressed, the gifts were arranged beneath it, and all seemed in +readiness for the dawning of the festal day, when Bessie, taking +a mental inventory of the packages and discovering nothing among +them for the servants save her own usual contribution of a dress +and a pair of gloves for each, turned and said to Thaddeus:</p> +<p>“Where are the hot coals?”</p> +<p>“The what?” asked Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“The coals of fire for the girls and John.”</p> +<p>“Oh!” Thaddeus replied, “I have ’em in +the library. I don’t think they’ll go well with +the tree.”</p> +<p>“What are they?” queried Bess, with a natural show +of curiosity. “Checks?”</p> +<p>“Yes, partly,” said Thaddeus. “Mary is +to have a check for $16, Bridget one for $18, and John one for +$40.”</p> +<p>“Why, Thaddeus, that’s extravagant. Now, my +dear, there’s no use of your doing anything of +that—”</p> +<p>“Wait and see,” said Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“But, Teddy!” Bessie remonstrated. +“Those are the amounts of their wages. You will spoil +them, and if I—”</p> +<p>“As I said before, wait, Bess, wait!” said +Thaddeus, calmly. “You’ll understand the whole +scheme to-morrow, after breakfast.”</p> +<p>And she did, and when she did she almost wished for a moment +that she didn’t, for after breakfast Thaddeus summoned the +three offenders into his presence, and the effect was not +altogether free from painful features to the forgiving Bess.</p> +<p>“Bridget,” Thaddeus said, “do you remember +what Mrs. Perkins gave you last Christmas?”</p> +<p>“I do not!” replied Bridget, rather +uncompromisingly; for it was a matter of history that she thought +Mrs. Perkins on the last Christmas festival had shown signs of +parsimony in giving her a calico gown instead of one of silk.</p> +<p>“Well, you won’t forget next year what you got +this,” said Thaddeus, dryly. “Here is an +envelope containing $18, the amount of your wages until January +1st. Mary, what did you get last Christmas?”</p> +<p>“A box of candy, sir.”</p> +<p>“Nothing else?”</p> +<p>“I believe there was a dress of some kind. I gave +it to my cousin.”</p> +<p>“Good. I am glad you were so generous. Here +is an envelope for you. It has $16 in it, your wages up to +January 1st.”</p> +<p>Bessie stood in the doorway, a mute witness to what seemed to +her an incomprehensible scene.</p> +<p>“John, what did you get?”</p> +<p>“Five dollars an’ a day off.”</p> +<p>“And a two-dollar bill for Dennis, eh?”</p> +<p>“Dennis got that.”</p> +<p>“True. Well, John, here’s $40 for +you—that pays you until January 1st. Now, it strikes +me that, considering the behavior of you three people, I am very +generous to pay you your wages a week in advance, but I am not +going to stop there. I have studied you all very carefully, +and I’ve tried to discover what it is you are fondest +of. Cook and Mary do not seem to care much for dresses, +though I believe there are dresses and gloves under the tree for +them, which fact they will doubtless forget by next Christmas +Day. The five dollars and a day off John seems to remember, +though from his manner of recalling it I do not think his +remembrance is a very pleasing one. Now I’ve found +out what it is you all like the best, and I’m going to give +it to you.”</p> +<p>Here the trio endeavored to appear gracious, though they were +manifestly uneasy and a bit dissatisfied with what John would +have called “the luks of t’ings.”</p> +<p>“Cook, from the 1st of January, may go to her relatives, +and stay until they’re every one of them restored to +health, if it takes forty years. Mary may consider herself +presented with sixty years’ vacation without pay; and for +you, John, I have written this letter of recommendation to the +proprietors of a large undertaking establishment in New York, who +will, I trust, engage you as a chief mourner, or perhaps +hearse-driver, for the balance of your days. At any rate, +you, too, after January 1st, may consider yourself free to go to +any funeral or militia exercises, or anything else you may choose +to honor with your presence, at your own expense. You are +all given leave of absence without pay until further +notice. I wish you a merry Christmas. +Good-morning.”</p> +<p>There were no farewells in the house that day; and inasmuch as +there was no Christmas dinner either, Thaddeus and Bessie did not +miss the service of the waitress, who, when last seen, was +walking airily off towards the station, accompanied by the +indignant John and a bundle-laden cook. Next day their +trunks went also.</p> +<p>“It was rather a hard thing to do on Christmas Day, +Thaddeus,” said Bessie, a little later.</p> +<p>“Oh no,” quibbled Thaddeus. “It was +very easy under the circumstances, and quite appropriate. +This is the time of peace on earth and good-will to men. +The only way for us to have peace on earth was to get rid of +those two women; and as for John, he has my good-will, now that +he is no longer in my employ.”</p> +<h2><a name="page149"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 149</span>A +STRANGE BANQUET</h2> +<p>“<span class="smcap">Thaddeus</span>,” said Bessie +to her husband as they sat at breakfast one morning, shortly +after the royal banquet over which “Grimmins” had +presided, “did you hear anything strange in the house last +night? Something like a footstep in the hall?”</p> +<p>“No,” said Thaddeus. “I slept like a +top last night. I didn’t hear anything. Did +you?”</p> +<p>“I thought so,” said Bessie. “About +two o’clock I waked up with a start, and while it may have +been a sort of waking dream, I was almost certain I heard a +rustling sound out in the hall, and immediately after a creaking +on the stairs, as though there was somebody there.”</p> +<p>“Well, why on earth didn’t you wake me, +Bess?” returned Thaddeus. “I could easily have +decided the matter by getting up and investigating.”</p> +<p>“That was why I didn’t wake you, Teddy. +I’d a great deal rather lose the silver or anything else in +the house a burglar might want than have you hit on the head with +a sand-club,” said Bessie. “You men are too +brave.”</p> +<p>“Thank you,” said Thaddeus, with a smile, as he +thought of a certain discussion he had had not long before at the +club, in which he and several other brave men had reached the +unanimous conclusion that the best thing to do at dead of night, +with burglars in the house, was to crawl down under the +bedclothes and snore as loudly as possible. +“Nevertheless, my dear, you should have told me.”</p> +<p>“I will next time,” said Bessie.</p> +<p>“Was anything in the house disturbed?” Thaddeus +asked.</p> +<p>“No,” said Bessie. “Not a thing, as +far as I can find out. Mary says that everything was all +right when she came down, and the cook apparently found things +straight, because she hasn’t said anything.”</p> +<p>So Thaddeus and Bessie made up their minds that the latter had +been dreaming, and that nothing was wrong. Two or three +days later, however, they changed their minds on the +subject. There was something decidedly wrong, but what it +was they could not discover. They were both awakened by a +rustling sound in the hallway, outside of their room, and this +time there was a creak on the stairs that was unmistakable.</p> +<p>“Don’t move, Thaddeus,” said Bessie, in a +terrified whisper, as Thaddeus made a brave effort to get up and +personally investigate. “I wouldn’t have you +hurt for all the world, and there isn’t a thing down-stairs +they can take that we can’t afford to lose.”</p> +<p>Thaddeus felt very much as Bessie did, and it would have +pleased him much better to lie quietly where he was than run the +risk of an encounter with thieves. He had been brave enough +in the company of men to advocate cowardice in an emergency of +just this sort, but now that this same course was advocated by +his wife, he saw it in a different light. Prudence was +possible, cowardice was not. He must get up, and get up he +did; but before going out of his room he secured his revolver, +which had lain untouched and unloaded in his bureau-drawer for +two years, and then advanced cautiously to the head of the stairs +and listened—Bessie meanwhile having buried her face in her +pillow as a possible means of assuaging her fears. It is +singular what a soothing effect a soft feather pillow sometimes +has upon the agitated nerves if the nose of the agitated person +is thrust far enough into its yielding surface.</p> +<p>“Who is there?” cried Thaddeus, standing at the +head of the stairs, his knees all of a shake, but whether from +fear or from cold, as an admirer of Thaddeus I prefer not to +state.</p> +<p>Apparently the stage-whisper in which this challenge to a +possible burglar was uttered rendered it unavailing, for there +was no reply; but that there was some one below who could reply +Thaddeus was now convinced, for there were sounds in the +library—sounds, however, suggestive of undue attention to +domestic duties rather than of that which fate has mapped out for +house-breakers. The library floor was apparently being +swept.</p> +<p>“That’s the biggest idiot of a burglar I’ve +ever heard of,” said Thaddeus, returning to his room.</p> +<p>“Wh-wha-what, d-dud-dear?” mumbled Mrs. Perkins, +burying her ear in the pillow for comfort now that she was +compelled to take her nose away so that she might talk +intelligibly.</p> +<p>“I say that burglar must be an idiot,” repeated +Thaddeus. “What do you suppose he is doing +now?”</p> +<p>“Wh-wha-what, d-dud-dear?” asked Bessie, +apparently unable to think of any formula other than this in +speaking, since this was the second time she had used it.</p> +<p>“He is sweeping the library.”</p> +<p>“Then you must not go down,” cried Bessie, sitting +up, and losing her fear for a moment in her anxiety for her +husband’s safety. “A burglar you might manage, +but a maniac—”</p> +<p>“I must go, Bess,” said Thaddeus, firmly.</p> +<p>“Then I’m going with you,” said Mrs. +Perkins, with equal firmness.</p> +<p>“Now, Bess, don’t be foolish,” returned +Thaddeus, his face assuming a graver expression than his wife had +ever seen there. “This is my work, and it is none of +yours. I positively forbid you to stir out of this +room. I shall be very careful, and you need have no concern +for me. I shall go down the backstairs and around by the +porch, and peep in through the library window first. The +moonlight will be sufficient to enable me to see all that is +necessary.”</p> +<p>“Very well,” acquiesced Bessie, “only do be +careful.”</p> +<p>Thaddeus donned his long bath-robe, put on his slippers, and +started to descend. The stairs were so dark that he could +with difficulty proceed—and perhaps it was just as well for +Thaddeus that they were. If there had been light enough for +him to see two great glaring eyes that stared at him through that +darkness out from the passageway at the foot of the stairs, upon +which he turned his back when he went out upon the porch, it is +not unlikely that a very serious climax to his strange experience +would have been reached then and there. As it was, he saw +nothing, but kept straight ahead, stepped noiselessly out upon +the piazza, crept stealthily along in the soft light of the moon, +until he reached the library window. There he stopped and +listened. All was still within—so still that the +beating of his heart seemed like the hammering of a sledge upon +an anvil by contrast. Then, raising himself cautiously upon +his toes, he peered through the window into the room, the greater +part of which was made visible by the wealth of the moon’s +light streaming into it.</p> +<p>“Humph!” said Thaddeus, after he had directed his +searching gaze into every corner. “There isn’t +anybody there at all. Most incomprehensible thing I ever +heard of.”</p> +<p>Rising, he walked back to the piazza door, and went thence +boldly into the library and lit the gas. His piazza +observations were then verified, for the room was devoid of life, +save for Thaddeus’s own presence; but upon the floor before +the hearth was a broom, and there were evidences also that the +sweeping sounds he had heard had been caused by no less an +instrument than this, for in the corner of the fireplace was a +heap of dust, cigar ashes, and scraps of paper, which Thaddeus +remembered had been upon the hearth in greater or less quantity +when he had turned out the gas to retire a few hours before.</p> +<p>“This is a serious matter,” he said to +himself. “Something is wrong, and I doubt if there +have been burglars in the house; but I can ascertain that without +trouble. If the doors and windows are all secure the +trouble is internal.”</p> +<p>Every accessible door and window on the basement and first +floor was examined, and, with the exception of the piazza door, +which Thaddeus remembered to have unlocked himself a few minutes +before, every lock was fastened. The disturbance had come +from within.</p> +<p>“And Bess must never know it,” said he; “it +would worry her to death.” And then came a thought to +Thaddeus’s mind that almost stopped the beating of his +heart. “Unless she has discovered it in my +absence,” he gasped. In an instant he was mounting +the stairs to hasten to Bessie’s side, as though some +terrible thing were pursuing him.</p> +<p>“Well, what was it, Ted?” she asked, as he entered +the room.</p> +<p>Perkins gave a sigh of relief. All was safe enough +above-stairs at least.</p> +<p>“Nothing much,” said Thaddeus, in a moment. +“There is no one below.”</p> +<p>“But what could it have been?”</p> +<p>“I haven’t the slightest idea,” said +Thaddeus, “unless it was a stray cat in the house. +The sweeping sound may have been caused by a cat scratching its +collar—or purring—or—or—something. +At any rate, things appear to be all right, my dear, so +let’s go to sleep.”</p> +<p>Thaddeus’s assumed confidence in the rightness of +everything, rather than his explanations, was convincing to Mrs. +Perkins, and in a very short while she was sleeping the sleep of +the just and serene; but to Thaddeus’s eye there came no +more sleep that night, and when morning came he rose +unrefreshed. There were two problems confronting him. +The first was to solve the mystery of the swept library floor; +the second was to do this without arousing his wife’s +suspicions that anything was wrong. To do the first he +deemed it necessary to remain at home that day, which was easy, +for Thaddeus was more or less independent of office-work.</p> +<p>“I’m glad you’re not going down,” said +Mrs. Perkins, when he announced his intention of remaining at +home. “You will be able to make up for your loss of +sleep last night.”</p> +<p>“Yes,” said Thaddeus. “It’s the +only thing I can do, I’m so played out.”</p> +<p>Breakfast passed off pleasantly in spite of a great +drawback—the steak was burned almost to a crisp, and the +fried potatoes were like chips of wood.</p> +<p>“Margaret seems to be unfamiliar with the art of cooking +this morning,” said Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“So it would seem,” said Bessie. “This +steak is horrible.”</p> +<p>“The worst part of it is,” said Thaddeus, +“she has erred on the wrong side. If the steak were +underdone it wouldn’t be so bad. Isn’t it a +pity Edison can’t invent a machine to rarefy an overdone +steak?”</p> +<p>“That would be a fine idea,” smiled Bessie. +“And to take a Saratoga chip and make it less like a chip +off a granite block.”</p> +<p>“I don’t mind the potatoes so much,” said +Thaddeus. “I can break them up in a bowl of milk and +secure a gastronomic novelty that, suitably seasoned, isn’t +at all bad, but the steak is hopeless.”</p> +<p>“Maybe she heard that cat last night, and thought it was +a burglar, just as we did,” Bessie suggested. +“I can’t account for a breakfast like this in any +other way, can you?”</p> +<p>“No,” said Thaddeus, shortly, and then he had an +idea; and when Thaddeus had an idea he was apt to become +extremely reticent.</p> +<p>“Poor Thad!” thought Bessie, as she noted his +sudden change of demeanor. “He can’t stand loss +of sleep.”</p> +<p>The morning was spent by Thaddeus in the “noble pastime +of snooping,” as he called it. The house was searched +by him in a casual sort of way from top to bottom for a clew to +the mystery, but without avail. Several times he went below +to the cellar, ostensibly to inspect his coal supply, really to +observe the demeanor of Margaret, the cook. Barring an +unusual pallor upon her cheek, she appeared to be as she always +had been; but with the waitress it was different. Mary was +evidently excited over something, but over what Thaddeus could +not, of course, determine at that time. Later in the day, +however, the cause of her perturbation came out, and +Thaddeus’s effort to keep Bessie from anxiety over the +occurrence of the night before was rendered unavailing. It +was at luncheon. The table was set in a most peculiar +fashion. The only china upon it was from an old set which +had been discarded a year previous to the time of this story, and +Bessie naturally wanted to know why, and the waitress broke +down.</p> +<p>“It’s—it’s all we have, +ma’am,” said she, her eyes filling with tears.</p> +<p>“All we have?” echoed Mrs. Perkins in +surprise. “Why, what do you mean? Where is the +other set?”</p> +<p>“I don’t know,” protested the waitress.</p> +<p>“You don’t know?” said Thaddeus, taking the +matter in hand. “Why don’t you know? +Isn’t the china a part of your care?”</p> +<p>“Yes, sir,” replied the maid, +“but—it’s gone, sir, and I don’t know +where.”</p> +<p>“When did you miss it?” asked Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“Not until I came to set the table for lunch.”</p> +<p>“Was it in its proper place at +breakfast-time?”</p> +<p>“I didn’t notice, sir. The breakfast dishes +were all there, but I don’t remember seeing the other +plates. I didn’t think to look.”</p> +<p>“Then it wasn’t a cat,” said Bessie, sinking +back into her chair; “we have been robbed.”</p> +<p>“Well, it’s the first time on record, I guess, +that thieves have ever robbed a man of his china,” said +Thaddeus, calmly. “Have you looked for the +plates?” he added, addressing the waitress.</p> +<p>“No, sir,” she replied, simply. “Where +could I look?”</p> +<p>“That’s so—where?” said Bessie. +“There isn’t much use looking for dishes when they +disappear like that. They aren’t like whisk-brooms or +button-hooks to be mislaid easily. We have been robbed; +that’s all there is about that.”</p> +<p>“Oh, well,” said Thaddeus, “let’s eat +lunch, and see about it afterwards.”</p> +<p>This was quite easy to say, but to eat under the circumstances +was too much for either of the young householders. The +luncheon left the table practically untouched; and when it was +over Thaddeus called his man into the house, wrote a note to the +police-station, asking for an officer in citizen’s clothes +at once, and despatched it by him, with the injunction to let +very little grass grow under his feet on the way down to +headquarters. He then summoned the waitress into the +library.</p> +<p>“Have you said anything to Margaret about the +china?” he asked.</p> +<p>“Yes, sir,” she replied.</p> +<p>“What did you say?”</p> +<p>“I told her as how wasn’t it funny the way it had +went, sir.”</p> +<p>“And what did she say?”</p> +<p>“Nothing, sir. Only she seemed to think it was +funny, because she laughed.”</p> +<p>“And what did you say then?”</p> +<p>“Nothing, Mr. Perkins. Margaret and me have very +little conversation, because she don’t fancy me, and +prefers talkin’ to herself like.”</p> +<p>“H’m!” said Thaddeus. “Talks to +herself, does she?”</p> +<p>“All the time, sir,” returned the waitress, +“and she seems very fond of it, sir. She laughs, and +says things, and then laughs again. She does it by the +hour.”</p> +<p>“How long has this been going on?”</p> +<p>“About a week, sir. I noticed it first last time I +had my day out. I didn’t get in until nearly eleven +o’clock, and I found her sitting at the table havin’ +supper and talkin’ and laughin’ like as though there +was folks around.”</p> +<p>“She was entirely alone, was she?” asked +Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“Yes, sir.”</p> +<p>“What did you do when you came in?”</p> +<p>“I said ‘Hello’ to her and sat down opposite +to her at the table, where there was a place set, and I told her +I was glad she had something to eat and a place set for me, +because I hadn’t had any supper and I was hungry, +sir.”</p> +<p>“Did she make any reply?”</p> +<p>“No, sir. She looked at me kind of indignant, and +turned out the gas and went up to bed, leaving me in the +dark.”</p> +<p>Thaddeus’s brow grew thoughtful again. It wrinkled +into a half-dozen lines as he asked:</p> +<p>“Why didn’t you speak of this before?”</p> +<p>“It ain’t for me to be telling tales, Mr. +Perkins,” she said. “All cooks as I’ve +lived with is queer like, and I didn’t think any more about +it.”</p> +<p>“All right,” said Thaddeus. “You may +go. Only, Mary, don’t speak of the plates again to +Margaret. Say as little to her as you can, in fact, about +anything. If you notice anything queer, report to me at +once.”</p> +<p>The waitress left the room, and Thaddeus turned to his +desk. It was plain from his appearance that light was +beginning to be let in on places that up to this point had been +more or less dark to him, although, as a matter of fact, he could +not in any way account for the mystery of the vanished plates any +more than he could for the sweeping of the library in the still +hours of the night. He had an idea as to who the culprit +was, and what that idea was is plain enough to us, but the +question of motive was the great puzzle to him now.</p> +<p>“If she did take them, why should she?” was the +problem he was trying to solve; and then, as if his trials were +not already great enough for one day, Bessie broke excitedly into +the room.</p> +<p>“Thaddeus!” she cried, “there’s +something wrong in this house; my best table-cloth is missing, +our dessert-spoons are gone, and what do you suppose has +happened?”</p> +<p>“I don’t know—a volcano has developed in the +cellar, I suppose,” said Thaddeus.</p> +<p>“No,” said Bessie, “it isn’t as bad as +that; but the ice-cream man has telephoned up to know whether we +want the cream for dinner or for eleven o’clock, according +to the order as he understands it.”</p> +<p>“Well,” said Thaddeus, “I don’t see +anything very unusual in an ice-cream man’s needing to be +told three or four times what is expected of him.”</p> +<p>“But I never ordered any cream at all,” said +Bessie.</p> +<p>“Ah,” said Thaddeus, “that’s +different. Did you tell Partinelli so?”</p> +<p>“I did, and he said he was sure he wasn’t +mistaken, because he had taken the order himself.”</p> +<p>“From you?”</p> +<p>“No, from Margaret.”</p> +<p>“Then it’s all right,” said Thaddeus; +“it’s a clew that fits very nicely into my theory of +our recent household disturbances. If you will wait, I +think things will begin to develop very shortly, and then we +shall be able to dismiss this indictment against the cat we +thought we heard last night.”</p> +<p>“Do you think Margaret is dishonest?”</p> +<p>“I don’t know,” said Thaddeus. +“I shouldn’t be surprised if she had friends with +taking ways; in other words, my dear, I suspect that Margaret is +in league with people outside of this house who profit by her +mistaken notions as to how to be generous; but I can’t +prove it yet.”</p> +<p>“But what are you going to do?”</p> +<p>“Set a watch. I have sent for a detective,” +said Thaddeus.</p> +<p>This was too much for Bessie. She was simply overcome, +and she sat squarely down upon the arm-chair, which fortunately +was immediately behind her. I think that if it had not +been, she would have plumped down upon the floor.</p> +<p>“Detective!” she gasped.</p> +<p>“Exactly,” said Thaddeus, “and here he +comes,” he added, as a carriage was driven up to the door +and one of the citizen police descended therefrom.</p> +<p>“You would better leave us to talk over this matter +together,” said Thaddeus, as he hastened to the door. +“We shall be able to manage it entirely, and the details +might make you nervous.”</p> +<p>“I couldn’t be more nervous than I am,” said +Bessie; “but I’ll leave you just the same.”</p> +<p>Whereupon she went to her room, and Thaddeus, for an hour, was +closeted with the detective, to which he detailed the whole +story.</p> +<p>“It’s one of the two,” said the latter, when +Thaddeus had finished, “and I agree with you it is more +likely to be the cook than the waitress. If it was the +waitress, she couldn’t have stood your examination as well +as you say she did. Perhaps I’d better see her, +though, and talk to her myself.”</p> +<p>“No, I shouldn’t,” said Thaddeus +“we’ll pass you off as a business acquaintance of +mine up from town, and you can stay all night and watch +developments.”</p> +<p>So it was arranged. The detective was introduced into +the family as a correspondent of Thaddeus’s firm, and he +settled down to watch the household. Afternoon and evening +went by without developments, and at about eleven o’clock +every light in the house was extinguished, and the whole family, +from the head of the house to the cook, had apparently +retired.</p> +<p>At half-past eleven, however, there were decided signs of life +within the walls of Thaddeus’s home. The clew was +working satisfactorily, and the complete revelation of the +mystery was close at hand.</p> +<p>The remainder of the narrative can best be told in the words +of the detective:</p> +<p>“When Mr. Perkins sent for me,” he said, +“and told me all that had happened, I made up my mind that +he had a servant in his house for whom the police had been on the +lookout for some time. I thought she was a certain Helen +Malony, alias Bridget O’Shaughnessy, alias many other +names, who was nothing more nor less than the agent of a clever +band of thieves who had lifted thousands of dollars of swag in +the line of household silver, valuable books, diamonds, and other +things from private houses, where she had been employed in +various capacities. I could not understand why she should +have made ’way with the dishes and Mrs. Perkins’s +table-cloth, but there’s no accounting for tastes of people +in that line of business, so I didn’t bother much trying to +reason that matter out.</p> +<p>“After we’d had dinner and spent the evening in +Mr. Perkins’s library, the family went to bed, and I +pretended to do the same. Instead of really going to bed, I +waited my chance and slipped down the stairs into the +dining-room, and got under the table. At eleven +o’clock the maidservants went up to their rooms, and at +quarter-past there wasn’t a light burning in the +house. I sat there in the dining-room waiting, and just as +the clock struck half-past eleven I heard a noise out on the +stairs, and in less than half a minute a sulphur match was struck +almost over my head under the table, and there stood the cook, +her face livid as that of a dead person, and in her hand she held +a candle, which she lit with the match. From where I was I +could see everything she did, which was not much. She +simply gathered up all the table fixings she could, and started +down-stairs into the kitchen with ’em. Then I went up +to Mr. Perkins’s room and called him. He put on his +clothes and got out his revolver, when we stole down-stairs +together, leaving Mrs. Perkins up-stairs, with her boy’s +nurse and the waitress to keep her company.</p> +<p>“In a second we were in the laundry, which was as dark +as the ace of spades, except where the light from four gas-jets +in the kitchen streamed in through the half-open door. Mr. +Perkins was for pouncing in on the cook at once, but I was after +the rest of the gang as much as I was for the cook, and I +persuaded him to wait; and, by thunder, we were paid for +waiting. It was the queerest case I ever had.</p> +<p>“That woman—looking for all the world like a +creature from some other part of the universe than this earth, +her eyes burning like two huge coals, her checks as yellow and +clear as so much wax, and her lips blue-white, with a great +flaming red tongue sort of laid between them—worked like a +slave cleaning the floor, polishing the range, and scrubbing the +table. Then she dusted all the chairs, and, producing the +missing table-cloth, she laid it snow-white upon the table. +In two minutes more the lost china was brought to light out of +the flour-barrel, polished off, and set upon the +table—enough for twenty people. The dining-room +things I had seen her take she arranged as tastefully as any one +could want, and then the finest lay-out in the way of salads, +cakes, fruits, and other good things I ever saw was brought in +from the cellar. To do all this took a marvellously short +time. It was five minutes of midnight went she got through, +and then she devoted three minutes to looking after +herself. She whisked out a small hand-glass and touched up +her hair a bit. Then she washed her hands and pinned some +roses on her dress, smiled a smile I can never forget in my life, +and opened the kitchen door and went out.</p> +<p>“‘She’s going to give a supper!’ +whispered Mr. Perkins.</p> +<p>“‘It looks like it,’ said I. +‘And a mighty fine one at that.’</p> +<p>“In a minute she came back with a pail, in which were +four bottles of champagne, in her hand. This she took into +the cellar, returning to the kitchen as the clock struck +twelve.</p> +<p>“Then the queerest part began,” said the +detective. “For ten minutes by the clock people were +apparently arriving, though, as far as Mr. Perkins or I could +see, there wasn’t a soul in the kitchen besides +Margaret. She was talking away like one possessed. +Every once in a while she’d stop in the middle of a +sentence and rush to the door and shake hands with some, to us +invisible, arrival. Then she’d walk in with them +chatting and laughing. Several times she went through the +motion of taking people’s hats, and finally, if we could +judge from her actions, she had ’em all seated at the +table. She passed salads all around, helping each guest +herself. She sent them fruit and cakes, and then she +brought out the wine, which she distributed in the same +fashion. She also apologized because some ice-cream she had +ordered hadn’t come.</p> +<p>“When the invisible guests appeared to have had all they +could eat, she began the chatty part again, and never seemed to +be disturbed but once, when she requested some one not to sing so +loud for fear of disturbing the family.</p> +<p>“Altogether it was the weirdest and rummest thing +I’d ever seen in my life. We watched it for one full +hour, and then we quit because she did. At one +o’clock she apparently bade her guests good-night, after +which she gathered up and put away all the eatables there were +left—and, of course, everything but what she had eaten +herself still remained—cleaned all the dishes, restored +them to their proper places in the dining-room pantry, and went +back up-stairs to her room.</p> +<p>“Mr. Perkins and I didn’t know what to make of +it. There wasn’t a thing stolen, and it was clear to +my mind that I’d done the woman an injustice in connecting +her with thieves. She was honest, except in so far as she +had ordered all those salads and creams and things from time to +time on Mr. Perkins’s account, which was easy enough for +her to do, since Mrs. Perkins let her do the ordering. +There was only one explanation of the matter. She was +crazy, and I said so.</p> +<p>“‘I fancy you are right,’ said Mr. +Perkins. ‘We’ll have to send her to an +asylum!’</p> +<p>“‘That’s the thing,’ said I, +‘and we’d better do it the first thing in the +morning. I wouldn’t tackle her to-night, because +she’s probably excited, and like as not would make a great +deal of trouble.’</p> +<p>“And that,” said the detective, “was where +Mr. Perkins and I made our mistake. Next morning she +wasn’t to be found, and to this day I haven’t heard a +word of her. She disappeared just like that,” he +said, snapping his fingers. “Of course, I don’t +mean to say that anything supernatural occurred. She simply +must have slipped down and out while we were asleep. The +front door was wide open in the morning, and a woman answering to +her description was seen to leave the Park station, five miles +from the Perkins house, on the six-thirty train that +morning.”</p> +<p>“And you have no idea where she is now?” I asked +of the detective, when he had finished.</p> +<p>“No,” he answered, “not the slightest. +For all I know she may be cooking for you at this very +minute.”</p> +<p>With which comforting remark he left me.</p> +<p>For my part, I hope the detective was wrong. If I +thought there was a possibility of Margaret’s ever being +queen of my culinary department, I should either give up +house-keeping at once and join some simple community where every +man is his own chef, or dine forevermore on canned goods.</p> +<h2><a name="page181"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +181</span>JANE</h2> +<p><span class="smcap">She</span> was quite the reverse of +beautiful—to some she was positively unpleasant to look +upon; but that made no difference to Mrs. Thaddeus Perkins, who, +after long experience with domestics, had come to judge of the +value of a servant by her performance rather than by her +appearance. The girl—if girl she were, for she might +have been thirty or sixty, so far as any one could judge from a +merely superficial glance at her face and figure—was neat +of aspect, and, what was more, she had come well +recommended. She bore upon her face every evidence of +respectability and character, as well as one or two lines which +might have indicated years or toothache—it was difficult to +decide which. On certain days, when the weather was very +warm and she had much to do, the impression was that the lines +meant years, and many of them, accentuated as they were by her +pallor, the whiteness of her face making the lines seem almost +black in their intensity. When she smiled, however, which +she rarely did—she was solemn enough to have been a +butler—one was impressed with the idea of hours of pain +from a wicked tooth. At any rate, she was engaged as +waitress, and put in charge of the first floor of the Perkins +household.</p> +<p>“I fancy we’ve at last got a real treasure,” +said Mrs. Perkins. “There’s no nonsense about +Jane—I think.” The last two words were added +apologetically.</p> +<p>“Where did you get her?” asked Thaddeus. +“At an Imbecility Office?”</p> +<p>“I don’t quite know what you mean—an +Imbecility Office?”</p> +<p>“Only my pet, private, and particular name for it, my +dear. You would speak of it as an Intelligence Office, no +doubt,” was the reply. “My observation of the +fruit of Intelligence Offices has convinced me that they deal in +Imbecility.”</p> +<p>“Not quite,” laughed Mrs. Perkins. +“They look after Domestic Vacancies.”</p> +<p>“Well, they do it with a vengeance,” said +Perkins. “We’ve had more vacancies in this +house to do our cooking and our laundering and our house-work +generally than two able-bodied men could shake sticks at. +It seems to me that the domestic servant of to-day is fonder of +preoccupation than of occupation.”</p> +<p>“Jane, I think, is different from the general +run,” said Mrs. Perkins. “As I said, she has no +nonsense about her.”</p> +<p>“Is she—an—an ornament to the +scene—pretty, and all that?” asked Perkins.</p> +<p>“Quite the reverse,” replied the little +house-keeper. “She is as plain as a—as +a—”</p> +<p>“Say hedge-fence and be done with it,” said +Perkins. “I’m glad of it. What’s +the use of providing a good dinner for your friends if they are +going to spend all their time looking at the waitress? When +I give a dinner it makes me tired to have the men afterwards +speak of the waitress rather than of the <i>purée</i> or +the birds. If any domestic is to dominate the repast at all +it should be the cook.”</p> +<p>“Service counts for a great deal, though, Ted,” +suggested Mrs. Perkins.</p> +<p>“True,” replied Thaddeus; “but on the whole, +when I am starving, give me a <i>filet béarnaise</i> +served by a sailor, rather than an empty plate brought in in +style by a butler of illustrious lineage and impressive +manner.” Then he added: “I hope she isn’t +too homely, Bess—not a ‘clock-stopper,’ as the +saying is. You don’t want people’s appetites +taken away when you’ve worked for hours on a menu +calculated to tickle the palates of your guests. Would her +homeliness—ah—efface itself, for instance, in the +presence of a culinary creation, or is it likely to overshadow +everything with its ineffaceable completeness?”</p> +<p>“I think she’ll do,” returned Mrs. Perkins; +“especially with your friends, who, it seems to me, would +one and all insist upon finishing a ‘creation,’ as +you call it, even if lightning should strike the +house.”</p> +<p>“From that point of view,” said he, +“I’m confident that Jane will do.”</p> +<p>So Jane came, and for a year, strange to relate, was all that +her references claimed for her. She was neat, clean, and +capable. She was sober and industrious. The wine had +never been better served; the dinner had rarely come to the table +so hot. Had she been a butler of the first magnitude she +could not so have discouraged the idea of acquaintance; her +attraction, if anything, was a combination of her self-effacement +and her ugliness. The latter might have been noticed as she +entered the dining-room; it was soon forgotten in the +unconsciously observed ease with which she went through her +work.</p> +<p>“She’s fine,” said Perkins, after a dinner +of twelve covers served by Jane with a pantry assistant. +“I’ve always had a sneaking notion that nothing short +of a butler could satisfy me, but now I think otherwise. +Jane is perfection, and there is nothing paralyzing about her, as +there is about most of those reduced swells who wait on tables +nowadays.”</p> +<p>In August the family departed for the mountains, and the house +was left in charge of Jane and the cook, and right faithfully did +they fulfil the requirements of their stewardship. The +return in September found the house cleaned from top to +bottom. The hardwood floors and stairs shone as they had +rarely shone before, and as only an unlimited application of what +is vulgarly termed “elbow-grease” could make them +shine. The linen was immaculate. Ireland is not freer +from snakes than was the house of Perkins from cobwebs, and no +speck of dust except those on the travellers was visible. +It was evident that even in the absence of the family Jane was +true to her ideals, and the heart of Mrs. Perkins was glad. +Furthermore, Jane had acquired a full third set of teeth, which +seemed to take some of the lines from her face, and, as Perkins +observed, added materially to the general effect of the +surroundings, although they were distressingly new. But, +alas! they marked the beginning of the end. Jane ceased to +wait upon the table with that solemnity which is essential to the +manner of a “treasure”; she smiled occasionally, and +where hitherto she had treated the conversation at the table with +stolid indifference, a witticism would invariably now bring the +new teeth unto view.</p> +<p>“Alas!” cried Thaddeus, “our butleress has +evoluted backwards. She grins like an ordinary +waitress.”</p> +<p>It was too true. The possession of brilliantly white +teeth seemed to have brought with it a desire to show them, which +was destructive of that dignity with which Jane had previously +been hedged about, and substituted for it a less desirable +atmosphere of possible familiarity, which might grow upon very +slight provocation into intimacy, not to mention a nearer +approach to social equality.</p> +<p>“I don’t suppose we can blame her exactly,” +said Perkins, when discussing one or two of Jane’s lapses +from her old-time standard. “I haven’t a doubt +that if I’d gone for years without teeth, I’d become +a regular Cheshire cat, with a new, complete <i>édition de +luxe</i> of celluloid molars. Still, I wish she’d +paid more attention to the dinner and less to Mr. Barlow’s +conversation last night. She stood a whole minute, with the +salad-bowl in her hand, waiting for him to reach the point of his +story about the plumber who put a gas-pipe through +Shakespeare’s tenor in Westminster Abbey, and when he +finished, and she smiled, you’d have thought a dozen +gravestones to the deceased’s memory had been conjured up +before us.”</p> +<p>“It’s a small fault, Thaddeus,” returned +Mrs. Perkins, “but I’ll speak to her about +it.”</p> +<p>“Oh, I wouldn’t,” said Perkins; “let +it go; she means well, and when we got her we didn’t +suspect she’d turn out such a jewel. She’s +merely approaching her norm, that is all. We ought to be +thankful to have had such perfection for one year. +It’s too bad it couldn’t continue; but what +perfection does?”</p> +<p>Nothing, therefore, was said, and Jane smiled on, yet waited +most acceptably and kept all things decently and in +order—for a little while. Along about Christmas-time +a further decadence and additional flaw in the jewel was +discovered, and it was Perkins himself who discovered it. +It happened one day while he was at work alone in the house, Mrs. +Perkins having gone out shopping. A friend from Boston +appeared—a friend interested in bric-à-brac and +china generally. Thaddeus, to whom a luncheon in solitary +grandeur was little short of abomination, invited his Boston +friend to stay and share pot-luck with him, knowing, hypocrite +that he was, that pot-luck did not mean pot-luck at all, but a +course luncheon which many men would have found all-sufficient at +dinner. The Boston friend accepted, and the luncheon was +served by Jane. In the course of the repast the visitor +observed:</p> +<p>“Pretty good china you have, Perkins.”</p> +<p>“Yes,” returned Thaddeus, “pretty +good. I’ve always had a <i>penchant</i> for +china. My mother-in-law thinks I’m extravagant, and +sometimes I think she is right. You never saw my +Capodimonte coffees, did you?”</p> +<p>“No,” replied the Bostonian, “I never +did. Where’d you get ’em?”</p> +<p>“London,” replied Perkins, “last time I was +over. You must see them, by all means. Ah, Jane, hand +Mr. Bunkerrill one of the Capodimonte coffees.”</p> +<p>“Wan o’ the what, sorr?” asked the +treasure.</p> +<p>Thaddeus blushed. To have his jewel go back on him at +such a crisis was excessively annoying. “One of those +gold after-dinner coffee-cups—one of the little ones, with +the flowery raised figures,” he said, sharply.</p> +<p>“Oh!” said Jane, “wan o’ thim with +somebody else’s initial on the bottom?”</p> +<p>“Yes,” said Thaddeus, fuming inwardly.</p> +<p>“Quite a connoisseur, that woman,” laughed the +visitor, as Jane went after the dinner-cup. +“She’s observed the china mark. She +know’s N doesn’t stand for Perkins.”</p> +<p>Thaddeus laughed weakly. “She probably thinks we +got them second-hand,” he said.</p> +<p>“Very likely you did,” retorted the Bostonian, and +Jane returned with the desired cup. “An admirable +specimen,” continued the connoisseur; and them, turning the +cup bottom upwards in search of the mark, he disclosed to his own +and Thaddeus’s astonished gaze no less an object than the +remains of a mashed green pea, a reminiscence of the last Perkins +dinner, and conclusive evidence that at times Jane was not as +careful in the washing of her china as she might have been.</p> +<p>It would be futile and useless for me to attempt to describe +the emotions of Thaddeus. I fancy a large enough number of +us having been through similar experiences to comprehend the +man’s mortification and his inward wrath. It was too +great to find suitable expression at the moment. Nothing +short of the absolute destruction of the cup and the annihilation +of Jane could have adequately expressed Perkins’s true +feelings. He was not by nature, however, a +scene-maker—it would have been better if he had +been—so he said nothing, abiding by his rule, which seemed +to be that the man of the house would do better to reprehend the +short-comings of a delinquent servant by blowing up his wife +rather than by going direct to the core of the trouble and +reading the maid a lecture. A great many men adopt this +same method. I do. It is the easiest, though it is +possibly prompted by that cowardice which is latent with us +all. I never in my life have discharged more than one +servant, and I not only did not do it gracefully, but discharged +the wrong one; since which time I have left all that sort of work +to others more competent than I. Perkins’s method was +precisely thus.</p> +<p>“I’m not going to interfere,” was his +invariable remark in cases of the kind under discussion; which +was unwise, for if he had even scolded a servant as he did his +wife for the servant’s fault he might have secured better +service sooner or later.</p> +<p>Unfortunately, when Mrs. Perkins reached home that night she +was so very tired with her exertions in the shops that Thaddeus +hadn’t the heart to tell her what had happened, and when +morning came the episode was forgotten. When it did recur +to his mind it so happened that Mrs. Perkins was out of +reach. The result was that a month had passed before Mrs. +Perkins cane into possession of the facts, and it was then, of +course, too late to mention it to Jane.</p> +<p>“You should have given her a good talking to at the +time,” said Mrs. Perkins. “It’s +awful! I don’t know what has got into Jane. My +best table-cloth has got a great hole in it, and she is very +careless with the silver. My fruit-knife last night was not +clean.”</p> +<p>“I suppose <i>you</i> spoke to her about that?” +said Perkins, smiling.</p> +<p>“Not exactly; I sent for another, and handed her the +dirty one,” returned Mrs. Perkins. “I guess she +felt all that I could have said.”</p> +<p>And time went on, and Jane continued to decay. She +pulled corks from olive-bottles with the carving-fork prongs and +bent them backwards. She developed a habit of going out and +leaving her work undone. The powdered sugar was allowed to +resolve itself into small, hard, pill-shaped lumps of various +sizes. Breakfast had a way of being served cold. The +coffee was at times merely tepid; in short, it seemed as if she +really ought to be discharged; but then there was invariably some +reason for postponing the fatal hour. Either her kindness +to the children or a week or two of the old-time efficiency, her +unyielding civility, her scrupulous honesty, her willing +acquiescence in any new duty imposed, an impression that she was +suffering, any one or all of these reasons kept her on in her +place until she became so much a fixture in the household, so +much one of the family, that the idea of getting rid of her +seemed beyond the possibility of realization. That the axe +should fall her employers knew well, and many a resolve was taken +that at the end of the season she should go, yet neither Mrs. +Perkins nor her husband liked to tell her so. Her good +points were still too potent, although none could deny that all +confidence in her efficiency was shattered past repair. The +situation finally reached a point where it inspired reflections +of a more or less humorous order.</p> +<p>“I tell you what I think,” said Thaddeus one +evening, after a particularly flagrant breach on Jane’s +part, involving a streak of cranberry sauce across a +supposititiously clean plate: “you won’t discharge +her, Bess, and I won’t; suppose we send for Mr. Burke, and +get him to do it.”</p> +<p>Mr. Burke was the one reliable man in town. It +didn’t make much difference what the Perkinses wanted done, +they generally sent for Mr. Burke to do it, largely because when +he attempted a commission he saw it through. A carpenter +and builder by trade, he had for many years looked after the +repairs needful to the Perkins’ dwelling; he had come often +between Thaddeus and unskilled labor; he had made bookcases which +were dreams of convenience and sufficiently pleasing to the eye; +he had “fixed up” Mrs. Perkins’s garden; he had +supplied the family with a new gardener when the old one had +taken on habits of drink, which destroyed not only himself but +the cabbages; he had kept an eye on the plumbers; he had put up, +taken down, and repaired awnings—in short, as Perkins said, +he was a “Universal.” Once, when a delicate +piece of bric-à-brac had been broken and the china-mender +asserted that it could not be mended, Perkins had said, +“See if Burke can’t fix it,” and Burke had +fixed it; and as final tribute to this wonder, Perkins had said, +in suffering:</p> +<p>“My dear, I’m afraid I have appendicitis. +Send for Mr. Burke.”</p> +<p>“Mr. Burke!” echoed his wife.</p> +<p>“Yes, Mr. Burke,” moaned the sufferer. +“If my vermiform appendix is to be removed, I’d +rather have Mr. Burke do it with a chisel and saw than any +surgeon I know; and I won’t take ether either, because it +is such a satisfaction to see him work.”</p> +<p>So, when this happy pair of house-holders had reached what +might be described as the grand climateric of their patience, and +it was finally decided that Jane’s usefulness was a thing +of the past, and utterly beyond redemption, Thaddeus naturally +suggested turning to his faithful friend, Mr. Burke, to rid them +of their woes, and, indeed, but for Jane’s own +intervention, I fear that course would have proved the sole +alternative to her becoming an irremovable fixture in the +household. But it was Jane herself who solved the +problem.</p> +<p>It was two days after the cranberry episode that the solution +came, and it was in this wise:</p> +<p>“Did ye send for me?” Jane asked, suddenly +materializing in Mrs. Perkins’s room.</p> +<p>“No, Jane, I haven’t; why?”</p> +<p>The girl began to shed tears.</p> +<p>“Because—you’d ought to have, +ma’am. I know well enough that I ain’t +satisfactory to you,” she returned, her voice quivering, +“and I can’t be, and I know you want me to +go—and I—I’ve come to give you +notice.”</p> +<p>Then Mrs. Perkins looked at Jane with sorrow on her +countenance, for she had acquired an affection for her which the +maid’s delinquencies had not been able to efface.</p> +<p>“Can’t you try and do better?” she +asked.</p> +<p>“No, ma’am,” returned Jane. “Not +with the system—never. Mr. Perkins is too easy, and +you do be so soft-hearted it don’t keep a girl up to her +work. When I first come here, ma’am, not +knowin’ ye well, I was afraid to be anything but what was +right, but the way you took accidents, and a bit of a +shortcomin’ once in a while, sort of took away my fear, and +I’ve been goin’ down hill ever since. +Servant-girls is only human, Mrs. Perkins.”</p> +<p>Mrs. Perkins looked at Jane inquiringly.</p> +<p>“We needs to be kept up to our work just as much as +anybody else, and when a lady like yourself is too easy, it gets +a girl into bad habits, and occasionally it does us good if the +gentleman of the house will swear at us, Mrs. Perkins, and sort +of scare us, so it does. It was that that was the making of +me. The last place I was in, ma’am, I was so afraid +of both the missus and the gentleman that I didn’t dare to +be careless; and I didn’t dare be careless with you until I +found you all the time a-smilin’, whatever went wrong, and +Mr. Perkins never sayin’ a word, whether the dishes come to +the table clean or not.”</p> +<p>“Well, Jane,” said Mrs. Perkins, somewhat carried +away by this course of reasoning, “you haven’t been +what we hoped—there is no denying that; but knowing that +you were disappointing us, why couldn’t you have made a +special effort?”</p> +<p>“Oh, Mrs. Perkins,” sobbed the poor woman, +“you don’t understand. We’re all +disappointin’ to them we loves, but—it’s them +we fear—”</p> +<p>“Then why aren’t you afraid of us?”</p> +<p>Jane laughed through her tears. The idea was +preposterous.</p> +<p>“Afraid of you and Mr. Perkins? Ah!” she +said, sadly, “if I only could be—but I +can’t. Why, Mrs. Perkins, if Mr. Perkins should come +in here now and swear at me the way Mr. Barley did when I worked +there, I’d know he was only puttin’ it on, and that +inside he’d be laughin’ at me. No, ma’am, +it’s no use. I feel that I must go, or I’ll be +forever ruined. It was the cranberry showed me; a girl had +ought to be discharged for that. Dirty dinner plates +isn’t excusable, and yet neither of you said a word, and +next week it’ll be the same way—so I’m +goin’. You won’t send me off, so I’ve got +to do it myself.”</p> +<p>“Very well, Jane,” said Mrs. Perkins; “if +that is the way you feel about it we’ll have to part, I +suppose. I am sorry, but—”</p> +<p>The sentence was not finished, for Jane rushed weeping from +the room, and within a few days, her place having been filled, +the house knew her no more, except as an occasional visitor, +ostensibly to see the children. Later she got a place to +her satisfaction, and one night the Perkins were invited to dine +with Jane’s new employers. They went and found their +old-time “butler” at the very zenith of her +powers. She served the dinner as she had never served one +in her palmiest days in the Perkins’s dining-room; and when +all was over, and when Mrs. Perkins went up-stairs to don her +wrap to return home, she found Jane above waiting to help +her.</p> +<p>“I am glad to see you so happy, Jane,” she said, +as the girl held her cloak.</p> +<p>“Ah, ma’am, I’m not very happy.”</p> +<p>“You ought to be, here. Your work to-night was +perfect.”</p> +<p>“Yes,” said Jane, “it had to be, +for”—here her voice fell to a whisper—“I +don’t dare let it be different, ma’am. Mrs. +Harkins is a regular divvle, and the ould gentleman—well, +ma’am, he do swear finer ’n any gentleman I ever +met. It’s just the place for me.”</p> +<p>And Jane sighed as her old mistress left her.</p> +<p>“Wasn’t she great, Bess?” said Thaddeus, on +the way home.</p> +<p>“She was, indeed,” replied Mrs. Perkins, with a +smile. “It’s a pity I’m not a +divvle.”</p> +<p>Thaddeus laughed. “That’s so,” he +said; “or that I never learned to swear like a gentleman, +eh?”</p> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PASTE JEWELS***</p> +<pre> + + +***** This file should be named 4930-h.htm or 4930-h.zip****** + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/4/9/3/4930 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Paste Jewels + +Author: John Kendrick Bangs + +Release Date: November 20, 2004 [eBook #4930] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PASTE JEWELS*** + + + +Transcribed by David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk, from the +1897 Harper and Brothers edition. + + + + +PASTE JEWELS + + + + +PREFACE + + + +It may interest the readers of this collection of tales, if there +should be any such, to know that the incidents upon which the +stories are based are unfortunately wholly truthful. They have one +and all come under the author's observation during the past ten +years, and with the exception of "Mr. Bradley's Jewel," concerning +whom it is expressly stated that she was employed through lack of +other available material, not one of the servants herein made famous +or infamous, as the case may be, was employed except upon +presentation of references written by responsible persons that could +properly have been given only to domestics of the most sterling +character. It is this last fact that points the moral of the tales +here presented, if it does not adorn them. + +J. K. B. + + + +THE EMANCIPATION OF THADDEUS + + + +They were very young, and possibly too amiable. Thaddeus was but +twenty-four and Bessie twenty-two when they twain, made one, walked +down the middle aisle of St. Peter's together. + +Everybody remarked how amiable she looked even then; not that a +bride on her way out of church should look unamiable, of course, but +we all know how brides do look, as a rule, on such occasions--looks +difficult of analysis, but strangely suggestive of determined +timidity, if there can be such a quality expressed in the human +face. It is the natural expression of one who knows that she has +taken the most important step of her life, and, on turning to face +those who have been bidden to witness the ceremony, observes that +the sacredness of the occasion is somewhat marred by the presence in +church of the unbidden curiosity-seekers, who have come for much the +same reason as that which prompts them to go to the theatre--to +enjoy the spectacle. But Bessie's face showed nothing but that +intense amiability for which she had all her life long been noted; +and as for Thaddeus, he never ceased to smile from the moment he +turned and faced the congregation until the carriage door closed +upon him and his bride, and then, of course, he had to, his lips +being otherwise engaged. Indeed, Thaddeus's amiability was his +greatest vice. He had never been known to be ill-natured in his +life but once, and that was during the week that Bessie had kept him +in suspense while she was making up her mind not to say "No" to an +important proposition he had made--a proposition, by-the-way, which +resulted in this very ceremony, and was largely responsible for the +trials and tribulations which followed. + +Thaddeus was rich--that is, he had an income and a vocation; a +charming little home was awaiting their coming, off in a convenient +suburb; and, best of all, Bessie was an accomplished house-keeper, +having studied under the best mistresses of that art to be found in +the country. And even if she had not completely mastered the art of +keeping house, Thaddeus was confident that all would go well with +them, for their waitress was a jewel, inherited from Bessie's +mother, and the cook, though somewhat advanced in years, was beyond +cavil, having been known to the family of Thaddeus for a longer +period than Thaddeus himself had been. The only uncertain quantity +in the household was Norah, the up-stairs girl, who was not only +new, but auburn-haired and of Celtic extraction. + +Under such circumstances did the young couple start in life, and +many there were who looked upon them with envy. At first, of +course, the household did not run as smoothly as it might have +done--meals were late, and served with less ceremony than either +liked; but, as Bessie said, as she and Thaddeus were finishing their +breakfast one morning, "What could you expect?" + +To which Thaddeus, with his customary smile, replied "What, indeed! +We get along much better than I really thought we should with old +Ellen." + +Old Ellen was the cook, and she had been known to Thaddeus as "Old +Ellen" even before his lips were able to utter the words. + +"Ellen has her ways, and Jane has hers," said Bessie. "After Jane +has got accustomed to Ellen's way of getting breakfast ready, she +will know better how to go about her own work. I think, perhaps, +cook's manner is a little harsh. She made Jane cry about the omelet +this morning; but Jane is teary, anyhow." + +"It wouldn't do to have Ellen oily and Jane watery," Thaddeus +answered. "They'd mix worse than ever then. We're in pretty good +luck as it is." + +"I think so, too, Teddy," Bessie replied; "but Jane is so foolish. +She might have known better than to send the square platter down to +Ellen for an omelet, when the omelet was five times as long as it +was broad." + +"You always had square omelets, though, at your house--that is, +whenever I was there you had," said Thaddeus. "And I suppose Jane's +notion is that as things happened under your mother's regime, so +they ought to happen here." + +"Possibly that was her notion," replied Bessie; "but, then, in your +family the omelets were oblong, and Ellen is too old to depart from +her traditions. Old people get set in their ways, and as long as +results are satisfactory, we ought not to be captious about +methods." + +"No, indeed, we shouldn't," smiled Thaddeus; "but I don't want you +to give in to Ellen to too great an extent, my dear. This is your +home, and not my mother's, and your ways must be the ways of the +house." + +"Ellen is all right," returned Bessie, "and I am so delighted to +have her, because, you know, Teddy dear, she knows what you like +even better, perhaps, than I do--naturally so, having grown up in +your family." + +"Reverse that, my dear. Our family grew up on Ellen. She set the +culinary pace at home. Mother always let her have her own way, and +it may be she is a little spoiled." + +"Do you know, Teddy, I wonder that, having had Ellen for so many +years, your mother was willing to give her up." + +"Oh, I can explain that," Thaddeus answered. "I'm the youngest, you +know; the rest of the family were old enough to be weaned. Besides, +father was getting old, and he had a notion that the comforts of a +hotel were preferable to the discomforts of house-keeping. Father +likes to eat meals at all hours, and the annunciator system of hotel +life, by which you can summon anything in an instant, from a shower- +bath to a feast of terrapin, was rather pleasing to him. He was +always an admirer of the tales of the genii, and he regards the +electric button in a well-appointed hotel as the nearest approach to +the famous Aladdin lamp known to science. You press the button, and +your genii do the rest." + +"But a hotel isn't home," said Bessie. + +"A hotel isn't this home," answered Thaddeus. "Love in a cottage +for me; but, Bessie, perhaps you--perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea +for you to speak to Jane and Ellen this morning about their +differences. I am an hour late now." + +Then Thaddeus kissed Bessie, and went down to business. + +On Thaddeus's departure Bessie's cheerfulness also deserted her, and +for the first time in her life she felt that it would do her good if +she could fly out at somebody--somebody, however, who was not +endeared to the heart of Thaddeus, or too intimately related to her +own family, which left no one but Norah upon whom to vent the +displeasure that she felt. Norah was, therefore, sought out, and +requested rather peremptorily to say how long it had been since she +had dusted the parlor; to which Norah was able truthfully to answer, +"This mornin', mim." Whereupon Bessie's desire to be disagreeable +departed, and saying that Norah could now clean the second-story +front-room windows, she withdrew to her own snug sewing-room until +luncheon should be served. She was just a trifle put out with Norah +for being so efficient. There is nothing so affronting to a young +house-keeper as the discovery that the inherited family jewels, upon +whom much reliance has been placed, are as paste alongside of the +newly acquired bauble from whom little was expected. It was almost +unkind in Norah, Bessie thought, to be so impeccably conscientious +when Jane and Ellen were developing eccentricities; but there was +the consoling thought that when they had all been together a month +or two longer, their eccentricities would so shape themselves that +they would fit into one another, and ultimately bind the little +domestic structure more firmly together. + +"Perhaps if I let them alone," Bessie said to herself, "they'll +forget their differences more quickly. I guess, on the whole, I +will say nothing about it." + +That night, when Thaddeus came home, the first thing he said to his +wife was: "Well, I suppose you were awfully firm this morning, eh? +Went down into the kitchen and roared like a little tyrant, eh? I +really was afraid to read the paper on the way home. Didn't know +but what I'd read of a 'Horrid Accident in High Life. Mrs. Thaddeus +Perkins's Endeavor to Maintain Discipline in the Household Results +Fatally. Two Old Family Servants Instantly Killed, and Three of the +Kitchen Table Legs Broken by a Domestic Explosion!'" + +"Be serious, Thaddeus," said Bessie. + +And Thaddeus became instantly serious. "They--they haven't left us, +have they?" he whispered, in an awe-struck tone. + +"No. I--I thought I'd let them fight it out between themselves," +replied Bessie. "You see, Thaddeus, servants are queer, and do not +like to have their differences settled by others than themselves. +It'll work out all right, if we let them alone." + +"I don't know but that you are right," said Thaddeus, after a few +moments of thought. "They're both sensible girls, and capable of +fighting their own battles. Let's have dinner. I'm hungry as a +bear." + +It was half-past six o'clock, and the usual hour for dinner. At +8.10 dinner was served. The intervening time was consumed by Jane +and Ellen endeavoring to settle their differences by the silent, +sniffy method--that is, Jane would sniff, and Ellen would be silent; +and then Ellen would sniff, and Jane would be silent. As for +Thaddeus and Bessie, they were amused rather than angry to have the +dear little broiled chicken Bessie had provided served on the large +beef-platter; and when the pease came up in a cut-glass salad-dish, +Thaddeus laughed outright, but Bessie's eyes grew moist. It was too +evident that Jane and Ellen were not on speaking terms, and there +was strong need for some one to break the ice. Fortunately, +Bessie's mother called that evening, and some of her time was spent +below-stairs. What she said there only Ellen and Jane knew, but it +had its effect, and for two or three weeks the jewels worked almost +as satisfactorily as did Norah, the new girl, and quite +harmoniously. + +"Bessie," said Thaddeus, one night as they ate their supper, "does +it occur to you that the roast is a little overdone to-night?" + +"Yes, Teddy, it is very much overdone. I must speak to Ellen about +it. She is a little careless about some things. I've told her +several times that you like your beef rare." + +"Well, I'd tell her again. Constant dropping of water on its +surface will wear away a stone, and I think, perhaps, the constant +dropping of an idea on a cook's head may wear away some of the +thickest parts of that--at least, until it is worn thin enough for +the idea to get through to where her brain ought to be. You might +say to her, too, that for several nights past dinner has been cold." + +"I'll speak to her in the morning," was Bessie's reply; and the dear +little woman was true to her purpose. + +"She explained about the beef and the cold dinner, Ted," she said, +when Thaddeus came home that afternoon. + +"Satisfactorily to all hands, I hope?" said Thaddeus, with his usual +smile. + +"Yes, perfectly. In fact, I wonder we hadn't thought of it +ourselves. In the old home, you know, the dinner-hour was six +o'clock, while here it is half-past six." + +"What has that got to do with it?" asked Thaddeus. + +"How obtuse of you, Teddy!" exclaimed Bessie. "Don't you see, the +poor old thing has been so used to six-o'clock dinners that she has +everything ready for us at six? And if we are half an hour late, of +course things get cold; or if they are kept in the oven, as was the +case with the beef last night, they are apt to be overdone?" + +"Why, of course. Ha! Ha! Wonder I didn't think of that," laughed +Thaddeus, though his mirth did seem a little forced. "But--she's-- +she's going to change, I suppose?" + +"She said she'd try," Bessie replied. "She was really so very nice +about it, I hadn't the heart to scold her." + +"I'm glad," was all Thaddeus said, and during the rest of the meal +he was silent. Once or twice he seemed on the verge of saying +something, but apparently changed his mind. + +"Are you tired to-night, dear?" said Bessie, as the dessert was +served. + +"No. Why?" said Thaddeus, shortly. + +"Oh, nothing. I thought you seemed a little so," Bessie answered. +"You mustn't work too hard down-town." + +"No, my dear girl," he said. "I won't, and I don't. I was thinking +all through dinner about those girls down-stairs. Perhaps--perhaps +I had better talk to them, eh? You are so awfully kind-hearted, and +it does seem to me as though they imposed a little on you, that's +all. The salad to-night was atrocious. It should have been kept on +the ice, instead of which it comes to the table looking like a last +year's bouquet." + +Bessie's eyes grew watery. "I'm afraid it was my fault," she said. +"I ought to have looked after the salad myself. I always did at +home. I suppose Jane got it out expecting me to prepare it." + +"Oh, well, never mind," said Thaddeus, desirous of soothing the +troubled soul of his wife. "I wouldn't have mentioned it, only Jane +does too much thinking, in a thoughtless way, anyhow. Servants +aren't paid to think." + +"I'll tell you what, Thaddeus," said Bessie, her spirits returning, +"we are just as much to blame as they are; we've taken too much for +granted, and so have they. Suppose we spend the evening putting +together a set of rules for the management of the house? It will be +lots of fun, and perhaps it will do the girls good. They ought to +understand that while our parents have had their ways--and +reasonable ways--there is no reason why we should not have our +ways." + +"In other words," said Thaddeus, "what we want to draw up is a sort +of Declaration of Independence." + +"That's it, exactly," Bessie replied. + +"Better get a slate and write them on that," suggested Thaddeus, +with a broad grin. "Then we can rub out whatever Jane and Ellen +don't like." + +"I hate you when you are sarcastic," said Bessie, with a pout, and +then she ran for her pad and pencil. + +The evening was passed as she had suggested, and when they retired +that night the house of Perkins was provided with a constitution and +by-laws. + +"I don't suppose I shall recognize my surroundings when I get back +home to-night," said Thaddeus, when he waked up in the morning. + +"Why not?" asked Bessie. "What strange transformation is there to +be?" + +"The discipline will be so strict," answered Thaddeus. "I presume +you will put those rules of ours into operation right away?" + +"I have been thinking about that," said Bessie, after a moment. +"You see, Thad, there are a great many things about running a house +that neither you nor I are familiar with yet, and it seems to me +that maybe we'd better wait a little while before we impose these +rules on the girls; it would be awkward to have to make changes +afterwards, you know." + +"There is something in that," said Thaddeus; "but, after all, not so +much as you seem to think. All rules have exceptions. I've no +doubt that the cook will take exception to most of them." + +"That's what I'm afraid of, and as she's so old I kind of feel as if +I ought to respect her feelings a little more than we would Norah's, +for instance. I can just tell you I shall make Norah stand around." + +"I think it would be a good plan if you did," said Thaddeus. "I'm +afraid Norah will die if you don't. She works too hard to be a real +servant--real servants stand around so much, you know." + +"Don't be flippant, Thaddeus. This is a very serious matter. Norah +is a good girl, as you say. She works so much and so quickly that +she really makes me tired, and I'm constantly oppressed with the +thought that she may get through with whatever she is doing before I +can think of something else to occupy her time. But with her we +need have none of the feeling that we have with Jane and Ellen. She +is young, and susceptible to new impressions. She can fall in with +new rules, while the other two might chafe under them. Now, I say +we wait until we find out if we cannot let well enough alone, and +not raise discord in our home." + +"There never was an Eden without its serpent," sighed Thaddeus. "I +don't exactly like the idea of fitting our rules to their +idiosyncrasies." + +"It isn't that, dear. I don't want that, either; but neither do we +wish to unnecessarily hamper them in their work by demanding that +they shall do it our way." + +"Oh, well, you are the President of the Republic," said Thaddeus. +"You run matters to suit yourself, and I believe we'll have the most +prosperous institution in the world before we know it. If it were a +business matter, I'd have those rules or die; but I suppose you +can't run a house as you would a business concern. I guess you are +right. Keep the rules a week. Why not submit 'em to your mother +first?" + +"I thought of that," said Bessie. "But then it occurred to me that +as Ellen had served always under your mother, it would be better if +we consulted her." + +"I don't," said Thaddeus. "She'd be sure to tell you not to have +any rules, or, if she didn't, she would advise you to consult with +the cook in the matter, which would result in Ellen's becoming +President, and you and I taxpayers. She used to run our old house, +and now see the consequences!" + +"What are the consequences?" asked Bessie. + +"Mother and father have been driven into a hotel, and the children +have all been married." + +"That's awful," laughed Bessie. + +And so the rules were filed away for future reference. That they +would have remained on file for an indefinite period if Thaddeus had +not asked a friend to spend a few weeks with him, I do not doubt. +Bessie grew daily more mistrustful of their value, and Thaddeus +himself preferred the comfort of a quiet though somewhat irregular +mode of living to the turmoil likely to follow the imposition of +obnoxious regulations upon the aristocrats below-stairs. But the +coming of Thaddeus's friend made a difference. + +The friend was an elderly man, with a business and a system. He was +a man, for instance, who all his life had breakfasted at seven, +lunched at one, and dined at six-thirty, of which Thaddeus was aware +when he invited him to make his suburban home his headquarters while +his own house was being renovated and his family abroad. Thaddeus +was also aware that the breakfast and dinner hours under Bessie's +regime were nominally those of his friend, and so he was able to +assure Mr. Liscomb that his coming would in no way disturb the usual +serenity of the domestic pond. The trusting friend came. Breakfast +number one was served fifteen minutes after the hour, and for the +first time in ten years Mr. Liscomb was late in arriving at his +office. He had not quite recovered from the chagrin consequent upon +his tardiness when that evening he sat down to dinner at Thaddeus's +house, served an hour and ten minutes late, Ellen having been +summoned by wire to town to buy a pair of shoes for one of her +sister's children, the sister herself suffering from poverty and +toothache. + +"I hope you were not delayed seriously this morning, Mr. Liscomb," +said Bessie, after dinner. + +"Oh no, not at all!" returned Liscomb, polite enough to tell an +untruth, although its opposite was also a part of his system. + +"Ellen must be more prompt with breakfast," said Thaddeus. "Seven, +sharp, is the hour. Did you speak to her about it?" + +"No, but I intend to," answered Bessie. "I'll tell her the first +thing after breakfast to-morrow. I meant to have spoken about it +to-day, but when I got down-stairs she had gone out." + +"Was it her day out?" + +"No; but her sister is sick, and she was sent for. It was all +right. She left word where she was going with Jane." + +"That was very considerate of her," said Liscomb, politely. + +"Yes," said Bessie. "Ellen's a splendid woman." + +Later on in the evening, about half-past nine, when Mr. Liscomb, +wearied with the excitement of the first irregular day he had known +from boyhood, retired, Thaddeus took occasion to say: + +"Bessie, I think you'd better tell Ellen about having breakfast +promptly in the morning to-night, before we go to bed." + +"Very well," returned Bessie, "I'll go down now and do it;" and down +she went. In a moment she was back. "The poor thing was so tired," +she said, "that she went to bed as soon as dinner was cooked, so I +couldn't tell her." + +"Why didn't you send up word to her by Jane?" + +"Oh, she MUST be asleep by this time!" + +"Oh!" said Thaddeus. + +It was nine o'clock the next morning when Ellen opened her eyes. +Breakfast had been served a half-hour earlier, Jane and Bessie +having cooked some eggs, which Bessie ate alone, since Thaddeus and +Liscomb were compelled to take the eight-o'clock train to town, +hungry and forlorn. Liscomb was very good-natured about it to +Thaddeus, but his book-keeper had a woful tale to tell of his +employer's irritability when he returned home that night. As for +Thaddeus, he spoke his mind very plainly--to Liscomb. Bessie never +knew what he said, nor did any of the servants; but he said it to +Liscomb, and, as Liscomb remarked later, he seemed like somebody +else altogether while speaking, he was so fierce and determined +about it all. That night a telegram came from Liscomb, saying that +he had been unexpectedly delayed, and that, as there were several +matters requiring his attention at his own home, he thought he would +not be up again until Sunday. + +Bessie was relieved, and Thaddeus was mad. + +"We MUST have those rules," he said. + +And so they were brought out. Ellen received them with stolid +indifference; Jane with indignation, if the slamming of doors in +various parts of the house that day betokened anything. Norah +accepted them without a murmur. It made no difference to Norah on +what day she swept the parlor, nor did she seem to care very much +because her "days at home" were shifted, so that her day out was +Friday instead of Thursday. + +"Has Ellen said anything about the rules, my dear?" asked Thaddeus, +a week or two later. + +"Not a word," returned Bessie. + +"Has she 'looked' anything?" + +"Volumes," Bessie answered. + +"Does she take exception to any of them?" + +"No," said Bessie, "and I've discovered why, too. She hasn't read +them." + +Thaddeus was silent for a minute. Then he said, quite firmly for +him, "She must read them." + +"MUST is a strong word, Teddy," Bessie replied, "particularly since +Ellen can't read." + +"Then you ought to read them to her." + +"That's what I think," Bessie answered, amiably. "I'm going to do +it very soon--day after to-morrow, I guess." + +"What has Jane said?" asked Thaddeus, biting his lip. + +Bessie colored. Jane had expressed herself with considerable force, +and Bessie had been a little afraid to tell Thaddeus what she had +said and done. + +"Oh, nothing much," she answered. "She--she said she'd never worn +caps like a common servant, and wasn't going to begin now; and then +she didn't like having to clean the silver on Saturday afternoons, +because the silver-powder got into her finger-nails; and that really +is too bad, Teddy, because Saturday night is the night her friends +come to call, and silver-powder is awfully hard to get out of your +nails, you know; and, of course, a girl wants to appear neat and +clean when she has callers." + +"Of course," said Thaddeus. "And I judge by the appearance of the +brass fenders that she doesn't like to polish them up on Wednesday +because it gives her a backache on Thursday, which is her day out." + +Bessie's eyes took on their watery aspect again. + +"Do the fenders look so very badly, Ted?" she asked. + +"They're atrocious," said Thaddeus. + +"I'm sorry, dear; but I did my best. I polished them myself this +afternoon; Jane had to go to a funeral." + +"Oh, my!" cried Thaddeus. "This subject's too much for me. Let's +go out--somewhere, anywhere--to a concert. Music hath its charms to +soothe a savage breast, and my breast is simply the very essence of +wildness to-night. Put on your things, Bess, and hurry, or I'll +suffocate." + +Bessie did as she was told, and before ten o'clock the happy pair +had forgotten their woes, nor do I think they would have remembered +them again that night had they not found on their return home that +they were locked out. + +At this even the too amiable Bessie was angry--very angry--unjustly, +as it turned out afterwards. + +"They weren't to blame, after all," she explained to Thaddeus, when +he came home the next night. "I spoke to them about it, and they +all thought we'd spend the night with your mother and father at the +Oxford." + +"They're a thoughtful lot," said Thaddeus. + +And so time passed. The "treasures" did as they pleased; the +dubious auburn-haired Norah continued her aggravating efficiency. +Bessie's days were spent in anticipation of an interview of an +unpleasant nature with Jane or Ellen "to-morrow." Thaddeus's former +smile grew less perpetual--that is, it was always visible when +Bessie was before him, but when Bessie was elsewhere, so also was +the token of Thaddeus's amiability. He chafed under the tyranny, +but it never occurred to him but once that it would be well for him +to interview Ellen and Jane; and then, summoning them fiercely, he +addressed them mildly, ended the audience with a smile, and felt +himself beneath their sway more than ever. + +Then something happened. A day came and went, and the morrow +thereof found Thaddeus dethroned from even his nominal position of +head of the house. There was a young Thaddeus, an eight-pound +Thaddeus, a round, red-cheeked, bald-headed Thaddeus that looked +more like the Thaddeus of old than Thaddeus did himself; and then, +at a period in which man feels himself the least among the +insignificant, did our hero find happiness unalloyed once more, for +to the pride of being a father was added the satisfaction of seeing +Jane and Ellen acknowledge a superior. Make no mistake, you who +read. It was not to Thaddeus junior that these gems bowed down. It +was to the good woman who came in to care for the little one and his +mother that they humbled themselves. + +"She's great," said Thaddeus to himself, as he watched Jane bustling +about to obey the command of the temporary mistress of the situation +as she had never bustled before. + +"She's a second Elizabeth," chuckled Thaddeus, as he listened to an +order passed down the dumb-waiter shaft from the stout empress of +the moment to the trembling queen of the kitchen. + +"She's a little dictatorial," whispered Thaddeus to his newspaper, +when the monarch of all she surveyed gave him HIS orders. "But +there are times, even in a Republic like this, when a dictator is an +advantage. I hate to see a woman cry, but the way Jane wept at the +routing Mrs. Brown gave her this morning was a finer sight than +Niagara." + +But, alas! this happy state of affairs could not last forever. +Thaddeus was just beginning to get on easy terms with Mrs. Brown +when she was summoned elsewhere. + +"Change of heir is necessary for one in her profession," sighed +Thaddeus; and then, when he thought of resuming the reins himself, +he sighed again, and wished that Mrs. Brown might have remained a +fixture in the household forever. "Still," he added, more to +comfort himself than because he had any decided convictions to +express--"still, a baby in the house will make a difference, and +Ellen and Jane will behave better now that Bessie's added +responsibilities put them more upon their honor." + +For a time Thaddeus's prophecy was correct. Ellen and Jane did do +better for nearly two months, and then--but why repeat the old +story? Then they lapsed, that is all, and became more tyrannical +than ever. Bessie was so busy with little Ted that the household +affairs outside of the nursery came under their exclusive control. +Thaddeus stood it--I was going to say nobly, but I think it were +better put ignobly--but he had a good excuse for so doing. + +"A baby is an awful care to its mother," he said; "a responsibility +that takes up her whole time and attention. I don't think I'd +better complicate matters by getting into a row with the servants." + +And so it went. A year and another year passed. The pretty home +was beginning to look old. The bloom of its youth had most +improperly faded--for surely a home should never fade--but there was +the boy, a growing delight to his father, so why complain? Better +this easy-going life than one of domestic contention. + +Then on a sudden the boy fell ill. The doctor came--shook his head +gravely. + +"You must take him to the sea-shore," he said. "It is his only +chance." + +And to the sea-shore they went, leaving the house in charge of the +treasures. + +"I have confidence in you," said Thaddeus to Jane and Ellen on the +morning of the departure, "so I have decided to leave the house open +in your care. Mrs. Perkins wants you to keep it as you would if she +were here. Whatever you need to make yourselves comfortable, you +may get. Good-bye." + +"What a comfort it is," said Bessie, when they had reached the sea- +shore, and were indulging in their first bit of that woful luxury, +homesickness--"what a comfort it is to feel that the girls are there +to look after things! An empty house is such a temptation to +thieves." + +"Yes," said Thaddeus. "I hope they won't entertain too much, +though." + +"Ellen and Jane are too old for that sort of thing," Bessie +answered. + +"How about Norah?" + +"Oh, I forgot to tell you. There was nothing really for Norah to +do, so I told her she could go off and stay with her mother on +board-wages." + +"Good!" said Thaddeus, with a pleased smile. "It isn't a bad idea +to save, particularly when you are staying at the sea-shore." + +In this contented frame of mind they lived for several weeks. The +boy grew stronger every day, and finally Thaddeus felt that the +child was well enough to warrant his running back home for a night, +"just to see how things were going." That the girls were faithful, +of course, he did not doubt; the regularity with which letters +addressed to him at home--and they were numerous--reached him +convinced him of that; but the hamper containing the week's wash, +which Ellen and Jane were to send, and which had been expected on +Thursday of the preceding week, had failed for once to arrive; the +boy had worn one dress four days, Thaddeus's collars were getting +low, and altogether he was just a little uneasy about things. So he +availed himself of his opportunity and went home, taking with him a +friend, in consideration of whom he telegraphed ahead to Ellen to +prepare a good breakfast, not caring for dinner, since he and his +companion expected to dine at the club and go to the theatre before +going out to his home. + +The result would have been fatal to Bessie's peace of mind had she +heard of it during her absence from home. But Thaddeus never told +her, until it was a matter of ancient history, that when he arrived +at home, a little after midnight, he found the place deserted, and +was compelled to usher his friend in through the parlor window; that +from top to bottom the mansion gave evidence of not having seen a +broom or a dust-brush since the departure of the family; that Jane +had not been seen in the neighborhood for one full week--this came +from those living on adjoining property; that Ellen had been absent +since early that morning, and was not expected to return for three +days; and, crowning act of infamy, that he, Thaddeus, and his friend +were compelled to breakfast next morning upon a half of a custard +pie, a bit mouldy, found by the lord of the manor on the fast- +melting remains of a cake of ice in the refrigerator. Whether it +would have happened if Thaddeus had not been accompanied by a +friend, whose laughter incited him to great deeds, or not I am not +prepared to say, but something important did happen. Thaddeus rose +to the occasion, and committed an act, and committed it thoroughly. +The Thaddeus of old, the meek, long-suffering, too amiable Thaddeus, +disappeared. The famous smile was given no chance to play. His +wife was absent, and the smile was far away with her. Thaddeus, +with one fell blow, burst his fetters and became free. + +That afternoon, when he had returned to the seaboard, Bessie asked +him, "How was the house?" + +"Beautiful," said Thaddeus, quite truthfully; for it was. + +"Did Ellen say anything about the hamper?" + +"Not a word." + +"Did you speak to her about it?" + +"Nope." + +"Oh, Teddy! How could you forget it?" + +To the lasting honor of Thaddeus be it said that he bore up under +this unflinchingly. + +"Did you have a good breakfast, Ted?" Bessie asked, returning to the +subject later. + +"Very," said Thaddeus, thinking of the hearty meal he and his +fellow-sufferer had eaten at the club after getting back to town. +"We had a tomato omelet, coffee, toast, rice cakes, tenderloin +steak, and grits." + +"Dear me!" smiled Bessie; she was so glad her Teddy had been so well +treated. "All that? Ellen must have laid herself out." + +"Yes," said Thaddeus; "I think she did." + + +All the following week Thaddeus seemed to have a load on his mind--a +load which he resolutely refused to share with his wife--and on +Friday he found it necessary to go up to town. + +"I thought this was your vacation," remonstrated Bessie. + +"Well, so it is," said Thaddeus. "But--but I've got one or two +matters to attend to--matters of very great importance--so that I +think I'll have to go." + +"If you must, you must," said Bessie. "But I think it's horrid of +your partner to make you go back to town this hot weather." + +"Don't be cross with my partner," said Thaddeus; "especially my +partner in this matter." + +"Have you different partners for different matters?" queried Bessie. + +"Never mind about that, my dear; you'll know all about it in time, +so don't worry." + +"All right, Teddy. But I don't like to have you running away from +me when I'm at a hotel. I'd rather be home, anyhow. Can't I go +with you? Little Ted is well enough now to go home." + +"Not this time; but you can go up next Wednesday if you wish," +returned Thaddeus, with a slight show of embarrassment. + +And so it was settled, and Thaddeus went to town. On Wednesday they +all left the sea-shore to return to Phillipseburg. + +"Oh, how lovely it looks!" ejaculated Bessie, as she entered the +house, Norah having opened the door. "But--er--where's Jane, +Norah?" + +"Cookin' the dinner, mim." + +"Why, Jane can't cook." + +"If you please, mim, this is a new Jane." + +Bessie's parasol fell to the floor. "A wha-a-at?" she cried. + +"A new Jane. Misther Perkins has dispinsed with old Jane and Ellen, +mim." + +Bessie rushed up-stairs to her room and cried. The shock was too +sudden. She longed for Thaddeus, who had remained at the station +collecting the bath-tubs and other luxuries of the baby from the +luggage-van, to come. What did it all mean? Jane and Ellen gone! +New girls in their places! + +And then Thaddeus came, and made all plain to the little woman, and +when he was all through she was satisfied. He had discharged the +tyrants, and had supplied their places. The latter was the +important business which had taken him to town. + +"But, Teddy," Bessie said, with a smile, when she had heard all, +"how did poor mild little you ever have the courage to face those +two women and give them their discharge?" + +Teddy blushed. "I didn't," he answered, meekly; "I wrote it." + +Five years have passed since then, and all has gone well. Thaddeus +has remained free, and, as he proudly observes, domestics now +tremble at his approach--that is, all except Norah, who remembers +him as of old. Ellen and Jane are living together in affluence, +having saved their wages for nearly the whole of their term of +"service." Bessie is happy in the possession of two fine boys, to +whom all her attention--all save a little reserved for Thaddeus--is +given; and, as for the dubious, auburn-haired, and distinctly Celtic +Norah, Thaddeus is afraid that she is developing into a "treasure." + +"Why do you think so?" Bessie asked him, when he first expressed +that fear. + +"Oh, she has the symptoms," returned Thaddeus. "She has taken three +nights off this week." + + + +MR. BRADLEY'S JEWEL + + + +Thaddeus was tired, and, therefore, Thaddeus was grumpy. One +premise only was necessary for the conclusion--in fact, it was the +only premise upon which a conclusion involving Thaddeus's grumpiness +could find a foothold. If Thaddeus felt rested, everything in the +world could go wrong and he would smile as sweetly as ever; but with +the slightest trace of weariness in his system the smile would fade, +wrinkles would gather on his forehead, and grumpiness set in whether +things were right or wrong. On this special occasion to which I +refer, things were just wrong enough to give him a decent excuse-- +outside of his weariness--for his irritation. Norah, the housemaid, +had officiously undertaken to cover up the shortcomings of John, who +should have blacked Thaddeus's boots, and who had taken his day off +without preparing the extra pair which the lord of the manor had +expected to wear that evening. It was nice of the housemaid, of +course, to try to black the extra pair to keep John out of trouble, +but she might have been more discriminating. It was not necessary +for her to polish, until they shone like Claude Lorraine glasses, +two right boots, one of which, paradoxical as it may seem, was +consequently the wrong boot; so that when Thaddeus came to dress for +the evening's diversion there was nowhere to be found in his shoe- +box a bit of leathern gear in which his left foot might appear in +polite society to advantage. Possibly Thaddeus might have endured +the pain of a right boot on a left foot, had not Norah unfortunately +chosen for that member a box-toed boot, while for the right she had +selected one with a very decided acute angle at its toe-end. + +"Just like a woman!" ejaculated Thaddeus, angrily. + +"Yes," returned Bessie, missing Thaddeus's point slightly. "It was +very thoughtful of Norah to look after John's work, knowing how +important it was to you." + +Fortunately Thaddeus was out of breath trying to shine up the other +pointed-toe shoe, so that his only reply to this was a look, which +Bessie, absorbed as she was in putting the studs in Thaddeus's +shirt, did not see. If she had seen it, I doubt if she would have +been so entirely happy as the tender little song she was humming +softly to herself seemed to indicate that she was. + +"Some people are born lucky!" growled Thaddeus, as he finished +rubbing up the left boot, giving it a satin finish which hardly +matched the luminous brilliance of its mate, though he said it would +do. "There's Bradley, now; he never has any domestic woes of this +sort, and he pays just half what we do for his servants." + +"Oh, Mr. Bradley. I don't like him!" ejaculated Bessie. "You are +always talking about Mr. Bradley, as if he had an automaton for a +servant." + +"No, I don't say he has an automaton," returned Thaddeus. +"Automatons don't often work, and Bradley's jewel does. Her name is +Mary, but Bradley always calls her his jewel." + +"I've heard of jewels," said Bessie, thinking of the two Thaddeus +and she had begun their married life with, "but they've always +seemed to me to be paste emeralds--awfully green, and not worth +much." + +"There's no paste emerald about Bradley's girl," said Thaddeus. +"Why, he says that woman has been in Mrs. Bradley's employ for seven +weeks now, and she hasn't broken a bit of china; never sweeps dust +under the beds or bureaus; keeps the silver polished so that it +looks as if it were solid; gets up at six every morning; cooks well; +is civil, sober, industrious; has no hangers-on--" + +"Is Mr. Bradley a realist or a romancer?" asked Bessie. + +"Why do you ask that?" replied Thaddeus. + +"That jewel story sounds like an Arabian Nights tale," said Bessie. +"I don't believe that it is more than half true, and that half is +exaggerated." + +"Well, it IS true," said Thaddeus. "And, what is more, the girl +helps in the washing, plays with the children, and on her days out +she stays at home and does sewing." + +Bessie laughed. "She must be a regular Koh-i-noor," she said. "I +suppose Mr. Bradley pays her a thousand dollars a month." + +"No, he doesn't; he pays her twelve," said Thaddeus. + +"Then he is just what I said he was," snapped Bessie--"a mean thing. +The idea--twelve dollars a month for all that! Why, if she could +prove she was all that you say she is, she could make ten times that +amount by exhibiting herself. She is a curiosity. But if I were +Mrs. Bradley I wouldn't have her in the house. So many virtues +piled one on the other are sure to make an unsafe structure, and I +believe some poor, miserable little vice will crop out somewhere and +upset the whole thing." + +"You are jealous," said Thaddeus; and then he went out. + +The next day, meeting his friend Bradley on the street, Thaddeus +greeted him with a smile, and said, "Mrs. Perkins thinks you ought +to take up literature." + +"Why so?" asked Bradley. + +"She thinks De Foe and Scott and Dumas and Stevenson would be thrown +into the depths of oblivion if you were to write up that jewel of +yours," said Thaddeus. "She thinks your Mary is one of the finest, +most imaginative creations of modern days." + +"She doubts her existence, eh?" smiled Bradley. + +"Well, she thinks she's more likely to be a myth than a Smith," said +Thaddeus. "She told me to ask you if Mary has a twin-sister, and to +say that if you hear of her having any relatives at all--and no +domestic ever lived who hadn't--to send her their addresses. She'd +like to employ a few." + +"I am sorry Mrs. Perkins is so blinded by jealousy," said Bradley, +with a smile. "And I regret to say that Mary hasn't a cousin on the +whole police force, or, in fact, any kind of a relative whatsoever, +unless she prevaricates." + +"Too bad," said Thaddeus. "I had a vague hope we could stock up on +jewels of her kind. Where did you get her, anyhow--Tiffany's?" + +"No. At an unintelligence office," said Bradley. "She was a last +resort. We had to have some one, and she was the only girl there. +We took her for a week on trial without references, and, by Jove! +she turned out a wonder." + +Thaddeus grinned, and said: "Give her time, Bradley. By-the-way, +at what hours is she on exhibition? I'd like to see her." + +"Come up to-night and test the truth of what I say," said Bradley. +"I won't let anybody know you are coming, and you'll see her just as +we see her. What do you say?" + +The temptation was too strong for Thaddeus to resist, and so it was +that Bessie received a telegram that afternoon from her beloved, +stating that he would dine with Bradley, and return home on a late +train. The telegram concluded with the line, "I'M GOING TO APPRAISE +THE ESCAPED CROWN-JEWEL." + +Bessie chuckled at this, and stayed up until long after the arrival +of the last train, so interested was she to hear from Thaddeus all +about the Bradley jewel, who, as she said, "seemed too good to be +true"; but she was finally forced to retire disappointed and +somewhat anxious, for Thaddeus did not return home that night. + +Somewhere in the neighborhood of eight o'clock the next morning +Bessie received a second telegram, which read as follows: + +"DO NOT WORRY. I AM ALL RIGHT. WILL BE HOME ABOUT NINE, HAVE +BREAKFAST." + +"Now I wonder what on earth can have kept him?" Bessie said. +"Something has happened, I am sure. Perhaps an accident on the +elevated, or maybe--" + +She did not finish the sentence, but rushed into the library and +snatched up the morning paper, scanning its every column in the +expectation, if not hope, of finding that some horrible disaster had +occurred, in which her Thaddeus might have been involved. The paper +disclosed nothing of the sort. Only a few commonplace murders, the +usual assortment of defalcations, baseball prophecies, and political +prognostications could Bessie discover therein. Never, in fact, had +the newspaper seemed so uninteresting--not even a bargain-counter +announcement was there--and with an impatient, petulant stamp of her +little foot she threw the journal from her and returned to the +dining-room. It was then half-past eight, and, hardly able to +contain herself with excitement, Bessie sat down by the window, and +almost, if not quite, counted every swing of the pendulum that +pushed the hands of the clock on to the desired hour. She could not +eat, and not until curiosity was gratified as to what it was that +had detained Thaddeus, and what, more singular still, was bringing +him home instead of sending him to business at nine o'clock in the +morning, could she, in fact, do anything. + +Finally, the grinding sounds of carriage wheels on the gravel road +without were heard, and in an instant Bessie was at the door to +welcome the prodigal. And what a Thaddeus it was that came home +that morning! His eyes showed conclusively that he had had no +sleep, save the more or less unsatisfactory napping which suburban +residents get on the trains. His beautiful pearl-gray scarf, that +so became him when he left home the previous morning, was not +anywhere in sight. His cheek was scratched, and every button that +his vest had ever known had taken wings unto itself and flown, +Bessie knew not whither. And yet, tired out as he was, dishevelled +as he was, Thaddeus was not grumpy, but inclined rather to explosive +laughter as he entered the house. + +"Why, Thaddeus!" cried Bessie, in alarm. "What on earth is the +matter with you? You look as if you had been in a riot." + +"That's a pretty good guess, my dear," returned Thaddeus, with a +laugh, "but not quite the right one." + +"But tell me, what have you been doing? Where have you been?" + +"At Bradley's, my love." + +"You haven't been--been quarrelling with Mr. Bradley?" + +"No. Bradley's jewel has proved your husband's Waterloo, as well as +the Sedan of Bradley himself," returned Thaddeus, throwing his head +back and bursting out into a loud guffaw. + +"I am not good at riddles, Thaddeus," said Bessie, "and I haven't +laughed much myself since that last train came in last night and +didn't bring you. I think you might tell me--" + +"Why, my dear little girl," said Thaddeus, walking to her side and +kissing her, "I didn't mean to keep you in suspense, and of course +I'll tell you." + +Then, as they ate their breakfast, Thaddeus explained. "I told +Bradley that you were a sceptic on the subject of his jewel," he +said, "and he offered to prove that she was eighteen carats fine by +taking me home with him, an unexpected guest, by which act he would +test her value to my satisfaction. Of course, having cast doubts +upon her excellence, I had to accept, and at half-past five he and I +boarded an elevated train for Harlem. At six we stood before +Bradley's front door, and as he had left his keys at the office, he +rang the bell and waited. It was a long wait, considering the +presence of a jewel within doors. It must have lasted fifteen +minutes, and even that would have been but the beginning, in spite +of repeated and continuous pulling of the bell-handle, had we not +determined to enter through the reception-room window." + +"Did you try the basement door?" queried Bessie, with a smile, for +it pleased her to hear that the jewel was not quite flawless. + +"Yes," said Thaddeus. "We rang four times at the basement, and I +should say seven times at the front door, and then we took to the +window. Bradley's is one of those narrow English-basement houses +with a small yard in front, so that the reception-room window is +easy to reach by climbing over the vault leading to the basement +door, which is more or less of a cellar entrance. Fortunately the +window was unlocked. I say fortunately, because it enabled us to +get into the house, though if I were sitting on a jury I think I +should base an indictment--one of criminal negligence--of the Jewel +on the fact that it was unlocked. It was just the hour, you know, +when policemen yawn and sneak-thieves prowl." + +"How careless!" vouchsafed Bessie. + +"Very," said Thaddeus. "But this time it worked for the good of all +concerned, although my personal appearance doesn't give any +indication that I gained anything by it. In fact, it would have +been better for me if the house had been hermetically sealed." + +"Don't dally so much, Thaddeus," put in Bessie. "I'm anxious to +hear what happened." + +"Well, of course Bradley was very much concerned," continued +Thaddeus. "It was bad enough not to be able to attract the maid's +attention by ringing, but when he noticed that the house was as dark +as pitch, and that despite the clanging of the bell, which could be +heard all over the neighborhood, even his wife didn't come to the +door, he was worried; and he was more worried than ever when he got +inside. We lit the gas in the hall, and walked back into the +dining-room, where we also lighted up, and such confusion as was +there you never saw! The table-cloth was in a heap on the floor; +Bradley's candelabra, of which he was always so proud, were bent and +twisted out of shape under the table; glasses broken beyond +redemption were strewn round about; and a mixture of pepper, salt, +and sugar was over everything." + +"'I believe there have been thieves here,' said Bradley, his face +turning white. And then he went to the foot of the stairs and +called up to his wife, but there no answer. + +"Then he started on a dead run up the stair. Above all was in +confusion, as in the dining-room. Vases were broken, pictures hung +awry on the walls; but nowhere was Mrs. Bradley or one of the +Bradley children to be seen. + +"Then we began a systematic search of the house. Everywhere +everything was upside-down, and finally we came to a door on the +third story back, leading into the children's play-room, and as we +turned the knob and tried to open it we heard Mrs. Bradley's voice +from within. + +"'Who's there?' she said, her voice all of a tremble. + +"'It is I!' returned Bradley. 'Open the door. What is the meaning +of all this?' + +"'Oh, I'm so glad you have come!' returned Mrs. Bradley, with a sob, +and then we heard sounds as of the moving of heavy furniture. Mrs. +Bradley, for some as yet unexplained reason, seemed to have +barricaded herself in. + +"Finally the door was opened, and Mrs. Bradley buried her face on +her husband's shoulder and sobbed hysterically. + +"'What on earth is the matter?' asked Bradley, as his children +followed their mother's lead, except that they buried their faces in +his coat-tail pockets. 'What has happened?' + +"'Mary!' gasped Mrs. Bradley." + +"The jewel?" asked Bessie. + +"The same," returned Thaddeus, with a smile. "She was the jewel, +alas! now deprived of her former glorious setting. + +"'What's the matter with Mary?' asked Bradley. + +"'She's been behaving outrageously. I found her this morning,' said +Mrs. Bradley, 'rummaging through my escritoire, throwing things all +over the floor; and when I remonstrated she said she was looking for +a sheet of paper on which to write a letter. I told her she should +have asked me for it, and she replied impertinently that she never +asked favors of anybody. I told her to leave the room, and she +declined to do it, picking up a sofa-pillow and throwing it at me. +I was so overcome I nearly fainted.'" + +"I should think she would have been overcome! Such impudence!" said +Bessie. + +"Humph!" said Thaddeus. "That isn't a marker to what followed. +Why, according to Mrs. Bradley's story, that escaped Koh-i-noor +called her all sorts of horrible names, threw an empty ink-pot at a +photograph of Bradley himself, that stood on the mantel, and then, +grabbing up a whisk-broom, literally swept everything else there was +on the mantel off to the floor with it. This done, she began to +overturn chairs with an ardor born of temper, apparently; and, +finally, Mrs. Bradley got so frightened that she ran from the room, +and the jewel started in pursuit. Straight to the nursery ran the +lady of the house--for there was where the children were, playing +house, no doubt, with little idea that jewels sometimes +deteriorated. Once in the nursery, Mrs. Bradley slammed the door +to, locked it, and then, still fearful, rolled before it the bureau +and the children's cribs. After that the actions of the jewel could +only be surmised. The door was pounded and the atmosphere of the +hall was rent with violent harangues; then a hurried step was heard +as the jewel presumably sailed below-stairs; then crashings were +heard--crashings which might have indicated the smashing of windows, +of picture-glass, of mirrors, chairs, and other household +appurtenances, after which, Mrs. Bradley observed, all became +still." + +"Mercy! what a trial!" said Bessie. "And was she locked up in the +nursery all day?" + +"From twelve until we rescued her at a little after six," said +Thaddeus. "Then Bradley and I started out to find the jewel, if +possible, and I regret to say that it was possible. We found her +asleep on the kitchen table, and Bradley hadn't any more sense than +to try and wake her up. He succeeded too well. For the next ten +minutes she was the most wide-awake woman you ever saw, and she kept +us wide awake too. The minute she opened her eyes and saw us +standing before her, she sprang to her feet and made a rush at +Bradley, for which he was totally unprepared, the consequence of +which was that in an instant he found himself sitting in a very +undignified manner, for the head of the house, on the kitchen floor, +trying to collect his somewhat scattered faculties. + +"When she had persuaded Bradley to take a seat, she turned to shower +her attentions on me. I jumped to one side, but she managed to grab +hold of my vest, and hence its buttonless condition. By this time +Bradley was on his feet again, and, having had the temerity to face +his jewel the second time, he again came off second best, losing one +of the button-holes of his collar in the melee. I rushed in from +behind, and flirtatiously, perhaps, tried to grab hold of her hands, +coming off the field minus a necktie, but plus that picturesque +scratch you see on my nose. Stopping a moment to count up my profit +and loss, I let Bradley make the next assault, which resulted in a +drawn battle, Bradley losing his watch and his temper, the jewel +losing her breath and her balance. So it went on for probably three +or four minutes longer, though we certainly acquired several years +of experience in those short minutes, until finally we managed to +conquer her. This done, we locked her up in a closet." + +"Had she been at the cooking-sherry?" asked Bessie. + +"We thought so at first, and Bradley sent for a policeman," said +Thaddeus "but when he came we found the poor creature too exhausted +to be moved, and in a very short while Mrs. Bradley decided that it +was a case for a doctor and not for a police-justice. So the doctor +was summoned, and we waited, dinnerless, in the dining-room for his +verdict, and finally it came. BRADLEY'S JEWEL WAS INSANE!" + +"Insane!" echoed Bessie. + +"Mad as a hatter," replied Thaddeus. + +"Well, I declare!" said Bessie, thoughtfully. "But, Thaddeus, do +you know I am not surprised." + +"Why, my dear?" he asked. + +"Because, Teddy, she was too perfect to be in her right mind." + +And Thaddeus, after thinking it all over, was inclined to believe +that Bessie was in the right. + +"Yes, Bess, she was perfect--perfect in the way she did her work, +perfect in the way she smashed things, and nowhere did she more +successfully show the thoroughness with which she did everything +than when it came to removing the buttons from my vest. Isn't it +too bad that the only perfect servant that ever lived should turn +out to be a hopeless maniac? But I must hurry off, or I'll miss my +train." + +"You are not going down to town to-day?" asked Bessie. + +"To-day, above all other days, am I going down," returned Thaddeus. +"I am enough of a barbarian to be unwilling to lose the chance of +seeing Bradley, and asking him how he and his jewel get along." + +"Thaddeus!" + +"Why not, my dear?" + +"It would be too mean for anything." + +"Well, perhaps you are right. I guess I won't. But he has rubbed +it into me so much about our domestics that I hate to lose the +chance to hit back." + +"Has he?" said Bessie, her face flushing indignantly, and, it may be +added, becomingly. "In that case, perhaps, you might--ha! ha!-- +perhaps you might telegraph and ask him." + +And Thaddeus did so. As yet he has received no reply. + + + +UNEXPECTED POMP AT THE PERKINS'S + + + +"My dear," said Thaddeus, one night, as he and Mrs. Perkins entered +the library after dinner, "that was a very good dinner to-night. +Don't you think so?" + +"All except the salmon," said Bessie, with a smile. + +"Salmon?" echoed Thaddeus. "Salmon? I did not see any salmon." + +"No," said Bessie, "that was just the trouble. It didn't come up, +although it was in the house before dinner, I'm certain. I saw it +arrive." + +"Ellen couldn't have known you intended it for dinner," said +Thaddeus. + +"Yes, she knew it was for dinner," returned Bessie, "but she made a +mistake as to whose dinner it was for. She supposed it was bought +for the kitchen-table, and when I went down-stairs to inquire about +it a few minutes ago it was fulfilling its assumed mission nobly. +There wasn't much left but the tail and one fin." + +"Well!" ejaculated Thaddeus, "I call that a pretty cool proceeding. +Did you give her a talking to?" + +"No," Bessie replied, shortly; "I despise a domestic fuss, so I +pretended I'd gone down to talk about breakfast. We'll have +breakfast an hour or two earlier to-morrow, dear." + +"What's that for?" queried Thaddeus, his eyes open wide with +astonishment. "You are not going shopping, are you?" + +"No, Teddy, I'm not; but when I got downstairs and realized that +Ellen had made the natural mistake of supposing the fish was for the +down-stairs dinner, this being Friday, I had to think of something +to say, and nothing would come except that we wanted breakfast at +seven instead of at eight. It doesn't do to have servants suspect +you of spying upon them, nor is it wise ever to appear flustered--so +mamma says--in their presence. I avoided both by making Ellen +believe I'd come down to order an early breakfast." + +"You are a great Bessie," said Thaddeus, with a laugh. "I admire +you more than ever, my dear, and to prove it I'd get up to breakfast +if you'd ordered it at 1 A.M." + +"You'd be more likely to stay up to it," said Bessie, "and then go +to bed after it." + +"There's your Napoleonic mind again," said Thaddeus. "I should +never have thought of that way out of it. But, Bess," he continued, +"when I was praising to-night's dinner I had a special object in +view. I think Ellen cooks well enough now to warrant us in giving a +dinner, don't you?" + +"Well, it all depends on what we have for dinner," said Bessie. +"Ellen's biscuits are atrocious, I think, and you know how lumpy the +oatmeal always is." + +"Suppose we try giving a dinner with the oatmeal and biscuit courses +left out?" suggested Thaddeus, with a grin. + +Bessie's eyes twinkled. "You make very bright after-dinner +speeches, Teddy," she said. "I don't see why we can't have a dinner +with nothing but pretty china, your sparkling conversation, and a +few flowers strewn about. It would be particularly satisfactory to +me." + +"They're not all angels like you, my dear," Thaddeus returned. +"There's Bradley, for instance. He'd die of starvation before we +got to the second course in a dinner of that kind, and if there is +any one thing that can cast a gloom over a dinner, it is to have one +of the guests die of starvation right in the middle of it." + +"Mr. Bradley would never do so ungentlemanly a thing," said Bessie, +laughing heartily. "He is too considerate a man for that; he'd +starve in silence and without ostentation." + +"Why this sudden access of confidence in Bradley?" queried Thaddeus. +"I thought you didn't like him?" + +"Neither I did, until that Sunday he spent with us," Bessie +answered. "I've admired him intensely ever since. Don't you +remember, we had lemon pie for dinner--one I made myself?" + +"Yes, I remember," said Thaddeus; "but I fail to see the connection +between lemon pie and Bradley. Bradley is not sour or crusty." + +"You wouldn't have failed to see if you'd watched Mr. Bradley at +dinner," retorted Bessie. "He ate two pieces of it." + +"And just because a man eats two pieces of lemon pie prepared by +your own fair hands you whirl about, and, from utterly disliking +him, call him, upon the whole, one of the most admirable products of +the human race?" said Thaddeus. + +"Not at all," Bessie replied, with a broad smile; "but I did admire +the spirit and politeness of the man. On our way home from church +in the morning we were talking about the good times children have on +their little picnics, and Mr. Bradley said he never enjoyed a picnic +in his life, because every one he had ever gone to was ruined by the +baleful influence of lemon pie." + +Thaddeus laughed. "Then he didn't like lemon pie?" he asked. + +"No, he hated it," said Bessie, joining in the laugh. "He added +that the original receipt for it came out of Pandora's box." + +"Poor Bradley!" cried Thaddeus, throwing his head back in a paroxysm +of mirth. "Hated pie--declared his feelings--and then to be +confronted by it at dinner." + +"He behaved nobly," said Bessie. "Ate his first piece like a man, +and then called for a second, like a hero, when you remarked that it +was of my make." + +"You ought to have told him it wasn't necessary, Bess," said +Thaddeus. + +"I felt that way myself at first," Bessie explained; "but then I +thought I wouldn't let him know I remembered what he had said." + +"I fancy that was better," said Thaddeus. "But about that dinner. +What do you say to our inviting the Bradleys, Mr. and Mrs. Phillips, +the Robinsons, and the Twinings?" + +"How many does that make? Eight besides ourselves?" asked Bessie, +counting upon her fingers. + +"Yes--ten altogether," said Thaddeus. + +"It can't be done, dear," said Bessie. "We have only eight fruit +plates." + +"Can't you and I go without fruit?" Thaddeus asked. + +"Not very well," laughed Bessie. "It would never do." + +"They might think the fruit was poisoned if we did, eh?" suggested +Thaddeus. + +"Besides, Mary never could serve dinner for ten; eight is her +number. Last time we had ten people, don't you remember, she +dropped a tray full of dishes, and poured the claret into the +champagne glasses?" + +"Oh, yes, so she did," said Thaddeus. "That's how we came to have +only eight fruit plates. I remember. I don't think it was the +number of people at the table, though. It was Twining caused the +trouble, he had just made the pleasant remark that he wouldn't have +an Irish servant in his house, when Mary fired the salute." + +"Then that settles it," said Bessie. "We'll cut the Twinings out, +and ask the others. I don't care much for Mrs. Twining, anyhow; +she's nothing but clothes and fidgets." + +"And Twining doesn't do much but ask you what you think of certain +things, and then tell you you are all wrong when he finds out," said +Thaddeus. "Yes, it's just as well to cut them off this time. We'll +make it for eight, and have it a week from Thursday night." + +"That's Mary's night off," said Bessie. + +"Then how about having it Friday?" + +"That's Maggie's night off, and there won't be anybody to mind the +baby." + +"Humph!" said Thaddeus. "I wish there were a baby safe-deposit +company somewhere. Can't your mother come over and look after him?" + +"No," said Bessie, "she can't. The child always develops something +every time mother comes. Not, of course, that I believe she gives +it to him, but she looks for things, don't you know." + +"Yes," said Thaddeus, "I know. Then make it Wednesday. That's my +busy day down-town, and I shan't be able to get home much before +half-past six, but if dinner is at seven, there will be time enough +for me to dress." + +"Very well," said Bessie. "I will write the invitations to-morrow, +and, meanwhile, you and I can get up the menu." + +"Oysters to begin with, of course," said Thaddeus. + +"I suppose so," said Bessie, "though, you remember, the last time we +had oysters you had to open them, because the man from the market +didn't get here until half-past seven." + +"And Ellen had never opened any except with a tack-hammer," said +Thaddeus. "Yes, I remember. But lightning never strikes twice in +the same place. Put down the oysters. Then we'll have some kind of +a puree--celery puree, eh?" + +"That will be very good if Ellen can be induced to keep it thick." + +"Perhaps we'd better tell her we want a celery consomme," suggested +Thaddeus. "Then it will be sure to be as thick as a dictionary." + +"I guess it will be all right," said Bessie. "What kind of fish?" + +"Bradley likes salmon; Robinson likes sole; Phillips likes +whitebait, and so do I." + +"We'll have whitebait," said Bessie, simply. "Then a saddle of +mutton?" + +"Yes, and an entree of some kind, and next individual ruddy ducks." + +"No Roman punch?" + +"We can get along without that, I think," said Thaddeus. "We want +to keep this dinner down to Mary's comprehension, and I'm afraid she +wouldn't know what to make of an ice in the middle of the dinner. +The chances are she'd want to serve it hot." + +"All right, Teddy. What next?" + +"I would suggest a lemon pie for Bradley," smiled Thaddeus. + +"What do you say to Ellen's making one of her tipsy-cakes?" +suggested Bessie. + +"Just the thing," said Thaddeus, smacking his lips with enthusiasm. +"I could eat a million of 'em. Then we can finish up with coffee +and fruit." + +So it was settled. The invitations were sent out, and Bessie +devoted her energies for the next ten days to making ready. + +Ellen's culinary powers were tested at every meal. For dinner one +night she was requested to prepare the puree, which turned out to be +eminently satisfactory. Thaddeus gave her a few practical lessons +in the art of opening oysters, an art of which he had become a +master in his college days--in fact, if his own words were to be +believed, it was the sole accomplishment he had there acquired which +gave any significance whatever to his degree of B. A.--so that in +case the "fish gentleman" failed to appear in time nothing +disastrous might result. Other things on the menu were also +ordered at various times, and all went so well that when Thaddeus +left home on the chosen Wednesday morning, it was with a serene +sense of good times ahead. The invited guests had accepted, and +everything was promising. + +As Thaddeus had said, Wednesday was his busy day, and never had it +been busier than upon this occasion. Everything moved smoothly, but +there was a great deal to move, and finally, when all was done, and +Thaddeus rose to leave his desk, it was nearly six o'clock, and +quite impossible for him to reach home before seven. "I shall be +late," he said, as he hurried off; and he was right. He arrived at +home coincidently with his guests, rushed to his room, and dressed. +But one glimpse had he of Bessie, and that was as they passed on the +stairs, she hurrying down to receive her guests, he hurrying up to +change his clothes. + +"Oh, Thad!" was all she said, but to Thaddeus it was disconcerting. + +"What is the matter, dear?" he asked. + +"Nothing; I'll tell you later. Hurry," she gasped, "or the dinner +will be spoiled." + +Thaddeus hurried as he never hurried before, and in fifteen minutes +walked, immaculate as to attire, into the drawing-room, where +Bessie, her color heightened to an unusual degree, and her usually +bright eyes fairly flaming with an unwonted brilliance, was +entertaining the Bradleys, the Phillipses, and the Robinsons. + +"Didn't expect me, did you?" said Thaddeus, as he entered the room. + +"No," said Bradley, dryly. "This is an unexpected pleasure. I +didn't even know you were a friend of the family." + +"Well, I am," said Thaddeus. "One of the oldest friends I've got, +in fact, which is my sole excuse for keeping you waiting. Old +friends are privileged--eh, Mrs. Robinson?" + +"Dinner is served," came a deep bass voice from the middle of the +doorway. + +Thaddeus jumped as if he had seen a ghost, and, turning to see what +could have caused the strange metamorphosis in the soprano tremolo +of Mary's voice, was astonished to observe in the parting of the +portieres not the more or less portly Mary, but a huge, burly, +English-looking man, bowing in a most effective and graceful fashion +to Mrs. Bradley, and then straightening himself up into a pose as +rigid and uncompromising as that of a marble statue. + +"What on earth--" began Thaddeus, with a startled look of inquiry at +Bessie. But she only shook her head, and put her finger to her +lips, enjoining silence, which Thaddeus, fortunately, had the good +sense to understand, even if his mind was not equal to the fathoming +of that other mystery, the pompous and totally unexpected butler. + +But if Thaddeus was surprised to see the butler, he was amazed at +the dinner which the butler served. Surely, he thought, if Ellen +can prepare a dinner like this, she ought to be above taking sixteen +dollars and a home a month. It was simply a regal repast. The +oysters were delicious, and the puree was superior to anything +Thaddeus had ever eaten in the line of soups in his life--only it +was lobster puree, and ten times better than Ellen's general run of +celery puree. He winked his eye to denote his extreme satisfaction +to Bessie when he thought no one was looking, but was overwhelmed +with mortification when he observed that the wink had been seen by +the overpowering butler, who looked sternly at him, as much as to +say, "'Ow wery wulgar!" + +"I must congratulate your cook upon her lobster puree, Mrs. +Perkins," said Mr. Phillips. "It is delicious." + +"Yes," put in Thaddeus. "But you ought to taste her celery puree. +She is undoubtedly great on purees." + +Bessie coughed slightly and shook her head at Thaddeus, and Thaddeus +thought he detected the germ of a smile upon the cold face of the +butler. He was not sure about it, but it curdled his blood just a +little, because that ghost of a smile seemed to have just a tinge of +a sneer in it. + +"This isn't the same cook you had last time, is it?" asked Bradley. + +"Yes," said Thaddeus. "Same one, though it was my wife who made +that lem--" + +"Thaddeus," interrupted Bessie, "Mrs. Robinson tells me that she and +Mr. Robinson are going down to New York to the theatre on Friday +night. Can't we all go?" + +"Certainly," said Thaddeus. "I'm in on any little diversion of that +sort. Why, what's this?--er--why, yes, of course. Phillips, you'll +go; and you, too, eh, Bradley?" + +Thaddeus was evidently much upset again; for, instead of the +whitebait he and Bessie had decided upon for their fish course, the +butler had entered, bearing in a toplofty fashion a huge silver +platter, upon which lay a superb salmon, beautifully cooked and +garnished. This he was now holding before Thaddeus, and stood +awaiting his nod of approval before serving it. Inasmuch as +Thaddeus not only expected whitebait, but had also never before seen +the silver platter, it is hardly surprising that he should sit +staring at the fish in a puzzled sort of way. He recovered shortly, +however, gave the nod the butler was waiting for, and the dinner +proceeded. And what a dinner it was! Each new course in turn +amazed Thaddeus far more than the course that had preceded it; and +now, when the butler, whom Thaddeus had got more or less used to, +came in bearing a bottle of wine, followed by another stolid, well- +dressed person, who might have been his twin-brother and who was in +reality no more than assistant to the other, Thaddeus began to fear +that the wine he had partaken of had brought about that duplication +of sight which is said to be one of the symptoms of over-indulgence. +Either that or he was dreaming, he thought; and the alternative was +not a pleasant one, for Thaddeus did not over-indulge, and as a +person of intellect he did not deem it the proper thing to dream at +the dinner-table, since the first requisite of dreaming is falling +asleep. This Thaddeus never did in polite society. + +To say that he could scarcely contain himself for curiosity to know +what had occurred to bring about this singular condition of affairs +is to put it with a mildness which justice to Thaddeus compels me to +term criminal. Yet, to his credit be it said, that through the +whole of the repast, which lasted for two hours, he kept silent, and +but for a slight nervousness of manner no one would have suspected +that he was not as he had always been. Indeed, to none of the +party, not even excepting his wife, did Thaddeus appear to be +anything but what he should be. But when, finally, the ladies had +withdrawn and the men remained over the coffee and cigars, he was +compelled to undergo a still severer test upon his loyalty to +Bessie, whose signal to him to accept all and say nothing he was so +nobly obeying. + +Bradley began it. "I didn't know you'd changed from women to men +servants, Perkins?" + +"Yes," said Thaddeus "we've changed." + +"Rather good change, don't you think?" + +"Splendid," said Phillips. "That fellow served the dinner like a +prince." + +"I don't believe he's any more than a duke, though," said Bradley. +"His manner was quite ducal--in fact, too ducal, if Perkins will let +me criticise. He made me feel like a poor, miserable, red-blooded +son of the people. I wanted an olive, and, by Jove, I didn't dare +ask for it." + +"That wasn't his fault," said Robinson, with a laugh. "You forget +that you live in a country where red blood is as good as blue. +Where did you get him, Thaddeus?" + +Thaddeus looked like a rat in a corner with a row of cats to the +fore. + +"Oh!--we--er--we got him from--dear me! I never can remember. Mrs. +Perkins can tell you, though," he stammered. "She looks after the +menagerie." + +"What's his name?" asked Phillips. + +Thaddeus's mind was a blank. He could not for the life of him think +what name a butler would be likely to have, but in a moment he +summoned up nerve enough to speak. + +"Grimmins," he said, desperately. + +"Sounds like a Dickens' character," said Robinson. "Does he cost +you very much?" + +"Oh no--not so very much," said Thaddeus, whose case was now so +desperate that he resolved to put a stop to it all. Unfortunately, +his method of doing so was not by telling the truth, but by a flight +of fancy in which he felt he owed it to Bessie to indulge. + +"No--he doesn't cost much," he repeated, boldly. "Fact is, he is a +man we've known for a great many years. He--er--he used to be +butler in my grandfather's house in Philadelphia, and--er--and I was +there a great deal of the time as a boy, and Grimmins and I were +great friends. When my grandfather died Grimmins disappeared, and +until last month I never heard a word of him, and then he wrote to +me stating that he was out of work and poor as a fifty-cent table- +d'hote dinner, and would like employment at nominal wages if he +could get a home with it. We were just getting rid of our waitress, +and so I offered Grimmins thirty a month, board, lodging, and +clothes. He came on; I gave him one of my old dress-suits, set him +to work, and there you are." + +"I thought you said a minute ago Mrs. Perkins got him?" said +Bradley, who is one of those disagreeable men with a memory. + +"I thought you were talking about the cook," said Thaddeus, +uneasily. "Weren't you talking about the cook?" + +"No; but we ought to have been," said Phillips, with enthusiasm. +"She's the queen of cooks. What do you pay her?" + +"Sixteen," said Thaddeus, glad to get back on the solid ground of +truth once more. + +"What?" cried Phillips. "Sixteen, and can cook like that? Take me +down and introduce me, will you, Perkins? I'd like to offer her +seventeen to come and cook for me." + +"Let's join the ladies," said Thaddeus, abruptly. "There's no use +of our wasting our sweetness upon each other." + +If the head of the house had expected to be relieved from his +unfortunate embarrassments by joining the ladies, he was doomed to +bitter disappointment, for the conversation abandoned at the table +was resumed in the drawing-room. The dinner had been too much of a +success to be forgotten readily. + +Thaddeus's troubles were set going again when he overheard Phillips +saying to Bessie, "Thaddeus has been telling us the remarkable story +of Grimmins." + +Nor were his woes lightened any when he caught Bessie's reply: +"Indeed? What story is that?" + +"Why, the story of the butler--Grimmins, you know. How you came to +get him, and all that," said Phillips. "Really, you are to be +congratulated." + +"I am glad to know you feel that way," said Bessie, simply, with a +glance at Thaddeus which was full of wonderment. + +"He is a treasure," said Bradley; "but your cook is a whole chestful +of treasures. And how fortunate you and Thaddeus are! The idea of +there being anywhere in the world a person of such ability in her +vocation, and so poor a notion of her worth!" + +Thaddeus breathed again, now that the cook was under discussion. He +knew all about her. + +"Yes, indeed," said Bessie. "He did well." + +"I mean the cook," returned Bradley. "You mean she did well, don't +you?" + +What Bessie would have answered, or what Thaddeus would have done +next if the conversation had been continued, can be a matter of +unprofitable speculation only, for at this point a wail from above- +stairs showed that Master Perkins had awakened, and the ladies, +considerate of Bessie's maternal feelings, promptly rose to take +their leave, and in ten minutes she and Thaddeus were alone. + +"What on earth is the story of Grimmins, Thaddeus?" she asked, as +the door closed upon the departing guests. + +Thaddeus threw himself wearily down upon the sofa and explained. He +told her all he had said about the butler and the cook. + +"That's the story of Grimmins," he said, when he had finished. + +"Oh, dear me, dear me!" cried Bessie, "you told the men that, and +I--I, Thaddeus, told the women the truth. Why, it's--it's awful. +You'll never hear the end of it." + +"Well, now that they know the truth, Bess," Thaddeus said, "suppose +you let me into the secret. What on earth is the meaning of all +this--two butlers, silver platters, dinner fit for the gods, and +all?" + +"It's all because of the tipsy-cake," said Bessie. + +"The what?" asked Thaddeus, sitting up and gazing at his wife as if +he questioned her sanity. + +"The tipsy-cake," she repeated. "I gave Ellen the bottle of brandy +you gave me for the tipsy-cake, and--and she drank half of it." + +"And the other half?" + +"Mary drank that. They got word this morning that their brother was +very ill, and it upset them so I don't believe they knew what they +were doing; but at one o'clock, when I went down to lunch, there was +no lunch ready, and when I descended into the kitchen to find out +why, I found that the fire had gone out, and both girls were--both +girls were asleep on the cellar floor. They're there yet--locked +in; and all through dinner I was afraid they might come to, and-- +make a rumpus." + +"And the dinner?" said Thaddeus, a light breaking through into his +troubled mind. + +"I telegraphed to New York to Partinelli at once, telling him to +serve a dinner for eight here to-night, supplying service, cook, +dinner, and everything, and at four o'clock these men arrived and +took possession. It was the only thing I could do, Thad, wasn't +it?" + +"It was, Bess," said Thaddeus, gravely. "It was great; but--by +Jove, I wish I'd known, because--Did you really tell the ladies the +truth about it?" + +"Yes, I did," said Bessie. "They were so full of praises for +everything that I didn't think it was fair for me to take all the +credit of it, so I told them the whole thing." + +"That was right, too," said Thaddeus; "but those fellows will never +let me hear the end of that infernal Grimmins story. I almost wish +we--" + +"You wish what, Teddy dear?" + +"I almost wish we had not attempted the tipsy-cake, and had stuck to +my original suggestion," said Thaddeus. + +"What was that?" Bessie asked. + +"To have lemon pie for dessert, for Bradley's sake," answered +Thaddeus, as he locked the front door and turned off the gas. + + + +AN OBJECT-LESSON + + + +It was early in the autumn. Mr. and Mrs. Perkins, with their two +hopefuls, had returned from a month of rest at the mountains, and +the question of school for Thaddeus junior came up. + +"He is nearly six years old," said Bessie, "and I think he is quite +intelligent enough to go to school, don't you?" + +"Well, if you want my honest opinion," Thaddeus answered, "I think +he's intelligent enough to go without school for another year at +least. I don't want a hot-house boy, and I have always been opposed +to forcing these little minds that we are called upon by +circumstances to direct. It seems to me that the thing for us to do +is to hold them back, if anything. If Teddy goes to school now, +he'll be ready for college when he is twelve. He'll be graduated at +sixteen, and at twenty he'll be practising law. At twenty-five +he'll be leader of the bar; and then--what will there be left for +him to achieve at fifty? Absolutely nothing." + +Mrs. Perkins laughed. "You have great hopes for Teddy, haven't +you?" + +"Certainly I have," Thaddeus replied; "and why shouldn't I? Doesn't +he combine all my good qualities plus yours? How can he be anything +else than great?" + +"I am afraid there's a touch of vanity in you," said Mrs. Perkins, +with a smile. "That remark certainly indicates it." + +"No--it's not vanity in me," said Thaddeus. "It's confidence in +you. You've assured me so often of my perfection that I am +beginning to believe in it; and as for your perfection, I've always +believed in it. Hence, when I see Teddy combining your perfect +qualities with my own, I regard him as a supernaturally promising +person--that is, I do until he begins to show the influence of +contact with the hired man, and uses language which he never got +from you or from me." + +"Granting that he is great at twenty-five," said Mrs. Perkins, after +a few moments' reflection, "is that such a horrible thing?" + +"It isn't for the parents of the successful youth, but for the +successful youth himself it's something awful," returned Thaddeus, +with a convincing shake of the head. "If no one ever lived beyond +the age of thirty-five it wouldn't be so bad, but think of living to +be even so young as sixty, with a big reputation to sustain through +more than half of that period! I wouldn't want to have to sustain a +big name for twenty-five years. Success entails conspicuousness, +and conspicuousness makes error almost a crime. Put your mind on it +for a moment. Think of Teddy here. How nervous it would make him +in everything he undertook to feel that the eyes of the world were +upon him. And take into consideration that other peculiarity of +human nature which leads us all, you and me as well as every one +else, to believe that the man who does not progress is going +backward, that there is no such thing as standing still; then think +of a man illustrious enough for seventy at twenty-five--at the limit +of success, with all those years before him, and no progress +possible! No, my dear. Don't let's talk of school for Teddy yet." + +"I am sure I don't want to force him," said Mrs. Perkins, "but it +sometimes seems to me that he needs lessons in discipline. I can't +be following around after him all the time, and it seems to me some +days that I do nothing but find fault with him. I don't want him to +think I'm a stern mother; and when he tells me, as he did yesterday, +that he wishes I'd take a vacation for a month, I can't blame him." + +"Did he tell you that?" asked Thaddeus, with a chuckle. + +"Yes, he did," replied Mrs. Perkins. "I'd kept him in a chair for +an hour because he would tease Tommy, and when finally I let him go +I told him that he was wearing me out with his naughtiness. About +an hour later he came back and said, 'You have an awful hard time +bringin' me up, don't you?' I said yes, and added that he might +spare me the necessity of scolding him so often, to which he replied +that he'd try, but thought it would be better if I'd take a vacation +for a month. He hadn't much hope for his own improvement." + +Thaddeus shook internally. + +"He's perfectly wild, too, at times," Mrs. Perkins continued. "He +wants to do such fearful things. I caught him sliding down the +banisters yesterday head-foremost, and you know how he was at the +Mountain House all summer long. Perfectly irrepressible." + +"That's very true," said Thaddeus. "I was speaking of it to the +doctor up there, and asked him what he thought I'd better do." + +"And what did he say?" asked Mrs. Perkins. + +"He stated his firm belief that there was nothing you or I could do +to get him down to a basis, but thought Hagenbeck might accomplish +something." + +"No doubt he thought that," cried Bessie. "No doubt everybody +thought that, but it wasn't entirely Teddy's fault. If there is +anything in the world that is well calculated to demoralize an +active-minded, able-bodied child, it is hotel life. Teddy was egged +on to all sorts of indiscretions by everybody in the hotel, from the +bell-boys up. If he'd stand on his head on the cashier's desk, the +cashier would laugh first, and then, to get rid of him, would suggest +that he go into the dining-room and play with the headwaiter; and +when he upset the contents of his bait-box in Mrs. Harkaway's lap, +she interfered when I scolded him, and said she liked it. What can +you do when people talk that way?" + +"Get him to upset his bait-box in her lap again," said Thaddeus. "I +think if he had been encouraged to do that as a regular thing, every +morning for a week, she'd have changed her tune." + +"Well, it all goes to prove one thing," said Mrs. Perkins, "and that +is, Teddy needs more care than we can give him personally. We are +too lenient. Whenever you start in to punish him it ends up with a +game; when I do it, and he says something funny, as he always does, +I have to laugh." + +"How about the ounce-of-prevention idea?" suggested Thaddeus. +"We've let him go without a nurse for a year now--why can't we +employ a maid to look after him--not to boss him, but to keep an eye +on him--to advise him, and, in case he declines to accept the +advice, to communicate with us at once? All he needs is directed +occupation. As he is at present, he directs his own occupation, +with the result that the things he does are of an impossible sort." + +"That means another servant for me to manage," sighed Mrs. Perkins. + +"True; but a servant is easier to manage than Teddy. You can +discharge a servant if she becomes impossible. We've got Teddy for +keeps," said Thaddeus. + +"Very well--so be it," said Mrs. Perkins. "You are right, I guess, +about school. He ought not to be forced, and I'd be worried about +him all the time he was away, anyhow." + +So it was decided that Teddy should have a nurse, and for a day or +two the subject was dropped. Later on Mrs. Perkins reopened it. + +"I've been thinking all day about Teddy's nurse, Thaddeus," she +said, one evening after dinner. "I think it would be nice if we got +him a French nurse. Then he could learn French without any +forcing." + +"Good scheme," said Thaddeus. "I approve of that. We might learn a +little French from her ourselves, too." + +"That's what I thought," said Bessie and that point was decided. +The new nurse was to be French, and the happy parents drew beatific +visions of the ease with which they should some day cope with +Parisian hotel-keepers and others in that longed-for period when +they should find themselves able, financially, to visit the French +capital. + +But-- + +Ah! Those buts that come into our lives! Conjunctions they are +called! Are they not rather terminals? Are they not the +forerunners of chaos in the best-laid plans of mankind? If for +every "but" that destroys our plan of action there were ready always +some better-succeeding plan, then might their conjunctive force seem +more potent; as life goes, however, unhappily, they are not always +so provided, and the English "but" takes on its Gallic significance, +which leads the Frenchman to define it as meaning "the end." + +There was an object-lesson in store for the Perkinses. + +On the Sunday following the discussion with which this story opens, +the Perkinses, always hospitable, though distinctly unsociable so +far as the returning of visits went, received a visit from their +friends the Bradleys. Ordinarily a visit from one's town friends is +no very great undertaking for a suburban host or hostess, but when +the town friends have children from whom they are inseparable, and +those children have nurses who, whithersoever the children go, go +there also, such a visit takes on proportions the stupendousness of +which I, being myself a suburban entertainer, would prefer not to +discuss, fearing lest some of my friends with families, recalling +these words, might consider my remarks of a personal nature. Let me +be content with saying, therefore, that when the Bradleys, Mr. and +Mrs., plus Master and Miss, plus Harriet, the English nurse, came to +visit the Perkins homestead that Sunday, it was a momentous occasion +for the host and hostess, and, furthermore, like many another +momentous occasion, was far-reaching in its results. + +In short, it provided the Perkins family with that object-lesson to +which I have already alluded. + +The Bradleys arrived on Sunday night, and as they came late little +Harry Bradley and the still smaller Jennie Bradley were tired, and +hence not at all responsive to the welcomes of the Perkinses, large +or small. They were excessively reticent. When Mrs. Perkins, +kneeling before Master Harry, asked him the wholly unnecessary +question, "Why, is this Harry?" he refused wholly to reply; nor +could the diminutive Jennie be induced to say anything but "Yumps" +in response to a similar question put to her, "Yumps" being, it is +to be presumed, a juvenilism for "Yes, ma'am." Hence it was that +the object-lesson did not begin to develop until breakfast on Sunday +morning. The first step in the lesson was taken at that important +meal, when Master Harry observed, in stentorian yet sweetly soprano +tones: + +"Hi wants a glarse o' milk." + +To which his nurse, standing behind his chair to relieve the +Perkinses' maid of the necessity of looking after the Bradley +hopefuls, replied: + +"'Ush, 'Arry, 'ush! Wite till yer arsked." + +Mrs. Bradley nodded approval to Harriet, and observed quietly to +Mrs. Perkins that Harriet was such a treasure; she kept the children +so well in subjection. + +The incident passed without making any impression upon the minds of +any but Thaddeus junior, who, taking his cue from Harry, +vociferously asserted that he, too, wished a glass of milk, and in +such terms as made the assertion tantamount to an ultimatum. + +Then Miss Jennie seemed to think it was her turn. + +"Hi doan't care fer stike. Hi wants chickin," said she. "I'n't +there goin' ter be no kikes?" + +Mrs. Perkins laughed, though I strongly suspect that Thaddeus junior +would have been sent from the table had he ventured to express a +similar sentiment. Mrs. Bradley blushed; Bradley looked severe; +Perkins had that expression which all parents have when other +people's children are involved, and which implies the thought, "If +you were mine there'd be trouble; but since you are not mine, how +cunning you are!" But Harriet, the nurse, met the problem. She +said: + +"Popper's goin' ter have stike, Jinnie; m'yby Mr. Perkins'll give +yer lots o' gryvy. Hit i'n't time fer the kikes." + +Perhaps I ought to say to those who have not studied dialect as "she +is spoke" that the word m'yby is the Seven Dials idiom for maybe, +itself more or less an Americanism, signifying "perhaps," while +"kikes" is a controvertible term for cakes. + +After breakfast, as a matter of course, the senior members of both +families attended divine service, then came dinner, and after dinner +the usual matching of the children began. The hopefuls of Perkins +were matched against the scions of Bradley. All four were brought +downstairs and into the parental presence in the library. + +"Your Harry is a fine fellow, Mrs. Bradley," said Thaddeus. + +"Yes, we think Harry is a very nice boy," returned Mrs. Bradley, +with a fond glance at the youth. + +"Wot djer si about me, mar?" asked Harry. + +"Nothing, dear," replied Mrs. Bradley, raising her eyebrows +reprovingly. + +"Yes, yer did, too," retorted Harry. "Yer said as 'ow hi were a +good boy." + +"Well, 'e i'n't, then," interjected Jennie. "'E's a bloomin' mean +un. 'E took a knoife an' cut open me doll." + +"'Ush, Jinnie, 'ush!" put in the nurse. "Don't yer tell tiles on +'Arry. 'E didn't mean ter 'urt yer doll. 'Twas a haxident." + +"No, 'twasn't a haxident," said Jennie. "'E done it a-purpice." + +"Well, wot if hi did?" retorted Harry. "Didn't yer pull the tile +off me rockin'-'orse?" + +"Well, never mind," said Bradley, seeing how strained things were +getting. "Don't quarrel about it now. It's all done and gone, and +I dare say you were both a little to blame." + +"'Hi war'n't!" said Harry, and then the subject was dropped. The +children romped in and out through the library and halls for some +time, and the Bradleys and Perkinses compared notes on various +points of interest to both. After a while they again reverted to +the subject of their children. + +"Does Harry go to school?" asked Bessie. + +"No, we think he's too young yet," returned Mrs. Bradley. "He +learns a little of something every day from Harriet, who is really a +very superior girl. She is a good servant. She hasn't been in this +country very long, and is English to the core, as you've probably +noticed, not only in her way of comporting herself, but in her +accent." + +"Yes, I've observed it," said Bessie. "What does she teach him?" + +"Oh, she tells him stories that are more or less instructive, and +she reads to him. She's taught him one or two pretty little songs-- +ballads, you know--too. Harry has a sweet little voice. Harry, +dear, won't you sing that song about Mrs. Henry Hawkins for mamma?" + +"Don't warn'ter," said Harry. "Hi'm sick o' that bloomin' old +song." + +"Seems to me I've heard it," said Thaddeus. "As I remember it, +Harry, it was very pretty." + +"It is," said Bradley. "It's the one you mean--'Oh, 'Lizer! dear +'Lizer! Mrs. 'Ennery 'Awkins.' Harry sings it well, too; but I +say, Thad, you ought to hear the nurse sing it. It's great." + +"I should think it might be." + +"She has the accent down fine, you know." + +"Sort of born to it, eh?" + +"Yes; you can't cultivate that accent and get it just right." + +"I'll do 'Dear Old Dutch' for yer," suggested Harry. "Hi likes thet +better 'n 'Mrs. 'Awkins.'" + +So Harry deserted "Mrs. 'Awkins" and sang that other pathetic +coster-ballad, "Dear Old Dutch," and, to the credit of Harriet, the +nurse, it must be said that he was marvellously well instructed. It +could not have been done better had the small vocalist been the own +son of a London coster-monger instead of the scion of an American +family of refinement. + +Thus the day passed. Jennie proved herself quite as proficient in +the dialect of Seven Dials as was Harry, or even Harriet, and when +she consented to stand on a chair and recite a few nursery rhymes, +there was not an unnoticed "h" that she did not, sooner or later, +pick up and attach to some other word to which it was not related, +as she went along. + +In short, as far as their speech was concerned, thanks to +association with Harriet, Jennie and Harry were as perfect little +cockneys as ever ignored an aspirate. + +The visit of the Bradleys, like all other things, came to an end, +and Bessie, Thaddeus, and the children were once more left to +themselves. Teddy junior, it was observed, after his day with +Harry, developed a slight tendency to misplace the letter "h" in his +conversation, but it was soon corrected, and things ran smoothly as +of yore. Only--the Only being the natural sequence of the But +referred to some time since--Mr. and Mrs. Perkins changed their +minds about the French nurse, and it came about in this way: + +"Thaddeus," said Bessie, after the Bradleys had departed, "what is +the tile of a rockin'-'orse?" + +"I don't know. Why?" asked Thaddeus. + +"Why, don't you remember," she said, "young Harry Bradley accused +Jennie of pulling out the tile of his rockin'-'orse?" + +"Oh yes! Ha, ha!" laughed Thaddeus. "So she did. I know now. +Tile is cockney for tail." + +"Did you notice the accent those children had?" + +"Yes." + +"All got from the nurse, too?" + +"True." + +"Ah, Teddy, what do you think of our getting a French maid, after +all? Don't you think that we'd run a great risk?" + +"Of what?" + +"Of having Ted speak--er--cockney French." + +"H'm--yes. Very likely," said Thaddeus. "I'd thought of that +myself, and, I guess, perhaps we'd better stick to Irish." + +"So do I. We can correct any tendency to a brogue, don't you +think?" + +"Certainly," said Thaddeus. "Or, if we couldn't, it wouldn't be +fatal to the boy's prospects. It might even help him if he--" + +"Help him? If what?" + +"If he ever went into polities," said Perkins. + +And that was the object-lesson which a kindly fate gave to the +Perkinses in time to prevent their engaging a French maid for the +children. + +As to its value as a lesson, as to the value of its results, those +who are familiar with French as spoken by nurse-instructed youths +can best judge. + +I am not unduly familiar with that or any other kind of French, but +I have ideas in the matter. + + + +THE CHRISTMAS GIFTS OF THADDEUS + + + +That you may thoroughly comprehend how it happened that on last +Christmas Day Thaddeus meted out gifts of value so unprecedented to +the domestics of what he has come to call his "menagerie"--the term +menage having seemed to him totally inadequate to express the state +of affairs in his household--I must go back to the beginning of last +autumn, and narrate a few of the incidents that took place between +that period and the season of Peace on Earth and Good-will to Men. +Should I not do so there would be many, I doubt not, who would deem +Thaddeus's course unjustifiable, especially when we are all agreed +that Christmas Day should be for all sorts and conditions of men the +gladdest, happiest day of all the year. + +Thaddeus and Bessie and the little Thad had returned to their +attractive home after an absence of two months in a section of the +Adirondacks whither the march of civilization had not carried such +comforts as gas, good beds, and other luxuries, to which the little +family had become so accustomed that real camp-life, with its beds +of balsam, lights of tallow, and "fried coffee," possessed no charms +for them. They were all renewed in spirit and quite ready to embark +once more upon the troubled seas of house-keeping; and, as they saw +it on that first night at home, their crew was a most excellent one. +The cook rose almost to the exalted level of a chef in the +estimation of Thaddeus as course upon course, to the number of +seven, each made up of some delicacy of the season, came to the +table and received the indorsement which comes from total +consumption. They were well served, too, these courses; and the two +heads of the family, when Mary, the waitress, would enter the +butler's pantry, leaving them alone and unobserved, nodded their +satisfaction to each other across the snow-white cloth, and by means +of certain well-established signals, such as shaking their own hands +and winking the left eye simultaneously, with an almost vicious jerk +of the head, silently congratulated themselves upon the prospects of +a peaceful future in a domestic sense. + +"That was just the best dinner I have had in centuries," said +Thaddeus, as they adjourned to the library after the meal was over. +"The broiled chicken was so good, Bess, that for a moment I wished I +were a bachelor again, so that I could have it all; and after I got +over my first feeling of hesitation over the oysters, and realized +that it was September with an R--belated, it is true, but still +there--and ate six of them, I think I could have gone downstairs and +given cook a diamond ring with seven solitaires in it and a +receipted bill for a seal-skin sacque. I don't see how we ever +could have thought of discharging her last June, do you?" + +"It was a good dinner," said Bessie, discreetly ignoring the +allusion to their intentions in June; for she had a well-defined +recollection that at that time Bridget had given signs of emotional +insanity every time she was asked to prepare a five-o'clock +breakfast for Thaddeus and his friends, to the number of six, who +had acquired the habit of going off on little shooting trips every +Saturday, making the home of Thaddeus their headquarters over +Sunday, when the game the huntsmen had bagged the day before had to +be plucked, cleaned, and cooked by her own hands for dinner. "And +it was nicely selected, too," she added. "I sometimes think that +I'll let Bridget do the ordering at the market." + +"H'm! Well," said Thaddeus, shaking his head dubiously, "I haven't +a doubt that Bridget could do it, and would be very glad to do it; +but I don't believe in setting a cook up in business." + +"How do you mean?" + +"I mean that I haven't any doubt that Bridget would in a very short +time become a highly successful produce-broker with bull tendencies. +The chicken market would be buoyant, and the quotations on the Stock +Exchange of, say, B., S., and P.-U.-C.--otherwise, Beef, Succotash, +and Picked-Up-Codfish--would rise to the highest point in years. +Why, my dear, by Christmas-time cook would have our surplus in her +own pocket-book; and in the place of the customary five oranges and +an apple she would receive from the butcher a Christmas-card in the +shape of a check of massive, if not graceful, proportions. No, +Bess, I think the old way is the best." + +"Perhaps it is. By-the-way, John has kept the grounds looking well, +hasn't he? The lawn doesn't seem to have a weed on it," said +Bessie, walking to the window and gazing out at the soft velvety +sward in the glow of twilight. + +"Yes, it looks pretty well; but there's a small heap of stuff over +there near the fence which rather inclines me to believe that the +weeds have been pulled out within the last few days--in fact, since +you wrote to announce our return. John is an energetic man in an +emergency, and I haven't a doubt he has been here at least once a +week ever since we left. I'll keep a record of John this fall." + +And so the two contented home-comers talked happily along, and when +they closed their eyes in sleep that night they were, upon the +whole, very well satisfied with life. + +Weeks elapsed, and with them some of the air-castles collapsed. +Whether custom staled the infinite variety of the cook's virtues, +and age withered the efficiency of Mary, the waitress, or whether +something was really and radically wrong with the girls, Thaddeus +and Bessie could not make out. Certain it was, however, that by +slow degrees the satisfaction for which that first dinner seemed to +stand as guarantor wore away, and dissatisfaction entered the +household. Mary developed a fondness for church at most +inconvenient hours--hours at which in fact, neither Thaddeus nor +Bessie had ever supposed church could be. That it was eternal they +both knew, but they had always supposed there were intermissions. +Then the cook's family, which had hitherto been moderately +healthful, began to show signs of invalidism, though no such +calamity as actual dissolution ever set its devastating step within +the charmed circle of her relatives. Cousins fell ill whom she +alone could comfort; nephews developed maladies for which she alone +could care; and, according to Thaddeus's record, John had been +compelled on penalty of a fine to attend the funerals of some +twenty-four deceased intimate friends in less than two months, +although the newspapers contained no mention of the existence of a +possible epidemic in the Celtic quarter. It is true that John +showed a more pronounced desire to make his absence less +inconvenient to his employer than did Mary and the cook, by +providing a substitute when the Ancient Order of Funereal Hibernians +compelled him to desert the post of duty; but Thaddeus declared the +"remedy worse than the disease," for the reason that John's +substitute--his own brother-in-law--was a weaver by trade, whose +baskets the public did not appreciate, and whose manner of cutting +grass in the early fall and of tending furnace later on was +atrocious. + +"If I could hire that man in summer," Thaddeus remarked one night +when John's substitute had "fixed" the furnace so that the library +resembled a cold-storage room, "I think we could make this house an +arctic paradise. He seems to have a genius for taking warmth by the +neck and shaking enough degrees of heat out of it to turn a +conflagration into an iceberg. I think I'll tell the Fire +Commissioners about him." + +"He can't compare with John," was Bessie's answer to this. + +"No. I think that's why John sends him here when he is off riding +in carriages in honor of his deceased chums. By the side of Dennis, +John is a jewel." + +"John is very faithful with the furnace," said Bessie. "He never +lets it go down. Why, day before yesterday I turned off every +register in the house, and even then had to open all the windows to +keep from suffocating." + +"But that wasn't all John, my dear," said Thaddeus. "The Weather +Bureau had something to do with it. It was a warm day for this +season of the year, anyhow. If John could combine the two +businesses of selling coal and feeding furnaces, I think he would +become a millionaire. And, by-the-way, I think you ought to speak +to him, Bess, about the windows. Since you gave him the work of +window-cleaning to do, it is evident that he thinks I have nothing +to say in the matter, for he persistently ignores my requests that +he clean them in squares as they are made, and not rub up a little +circle in the middle, so that they look like blocks of opalescent +glass with plate-glass bulls'-eyes let into the centre. Look at +them now." + +"Dennis did that. John had to go to Mount Vernon with his militia +company to-day." + +"Dennis is well named, for his name is--But never mind. I'll credit +John with his twelfth day off in four weeks." + +From John to Bridget, in the matter of days off, was an easy step, +though such was Bessie's consummate diplomacy that Thaddeus would +probably have continued in ignorance of the extent to which Bridget +absented herself had they not both taken occasion one day to visit +some relatives in Philadelphia, and on their return home at night +found no dinner awaiting them. + +"What's the matter now?" asked Thaddeus, a little crossly, perhaps, +for visiting relatives in Philadelphia irritated him--possibly +because he and they did not agree in politics, and their assumption +that Thaddeus's party was entirely made up of the ignorant and self- +seeking was galling to him. "Why isn't dinner ready?" + +"Mary says that an hour after we left cook got a telegram from New +York saying that her brother was dying, and she had to go right +off." + +"I thought that brother was dying last week?" + +"No; that was her mother's brother, he got well. This is another +person entirely." + +"Naturally," snapped Thaddeus. "But next time we get a cook let's +have one whose relatives are all dead, or in the old country, where +they can't be reached. I'm tired of this business." + +"Well, you shouldn't be cross with me about it, Thad," said Bessie, +with a teary look in her eyes. "I have to put up with a great deal +more of it than you have, only you never know of it. Why, I've +cooked one-half of my own luncheons in the last month." + +"And the dinners, too, I'll wager," growled Thaddeus. + +"No; she's always got home for dinner heretofore." + +"Well, we'll keep a record-book for her, too, then. And we'll be +generous with her. We'll allow her just as I was allowed in +college--twenty-five per cent. in cuts. If she has twenty-five and +a fifth per cent., she goes." + +"I don't think I understand," said Bessie. + +"Well, we'll put it this way: There are thirty days in a month. +That means ninety meals a month. If she cooks sixty-seven and a +half of them she can stay; if she fails to cook the other twenty-two +and a half she can stay; but woe be unto her if she slips up by even +so little as a millionth part of the sixty-eighth!" + +"I don't see how you can manage the half part of it." + +"We'll leave that to her," said Thaddeus, firmly; "and, what is +more, we'll put John and Mary on the same basis, and Dennis we won't +have on any basis at all. A man who will take advantage of his +brother's absence at a wake to black the shoes of that brother's +only employer with stove-polish is not the kind of a man I want to +have around." + +"It will be a very good plan," said Bessie, "for all except Mary. +Her absences she cannot well avoid. She has to go to church." + +"How many times a week does she have to go?" queried Thaddeus. + +"She is required to go to confession." + +"Well, let her reform, and then she'll have nothing to go to +confession for. I don't believe that's where she goes, either. I +notice that one-half those evenings she takes off, permitting me to +mind the front door, and enabling us both to acquire proficiency in +the art of helping ourselves at dinner, there's a fireman's ball or +a policeman's hop or a letter-carriers' theatre party going on +somewhere in the county, and it's my belief the worshipping she does +on these occasions is at the shrine of Terpsichore or that of +Melpomene, which is a heathen custom and not to be tolerated here. +If she's so fond of living in church we can quote to her Hamlet's +advice to Ophelia--'Get thee to a nunnery!' Why, Bess, I was +mortified to death the other night when Bradley dined here, he's all +the time bragging about his menagerie, and I tried to bluff him out +and make him believe we were waited on by angels in disguise, and +you know what happened. He came, saw, and I was regularly knocked +out. You let us in; we waited on ourselves; cook had prepared the +seven-o'clock dinner at five to give her a chance to go to the +hospital to see her brother-in-law with the measles; John had one of +his Central-African fires on, and Bradley's laughing about it yet." + +"Mr. Bradley was very disagreeable the other night, anyhow," sniffed +Bessie. "He acted as if he were camping out!" + +"Well, I can't honestly say I blame him for that," retorted +Thaddeus. "It only needed a balsam bed and a hole in the roof to +let the rain in on him to complete the illusion." + +Finally, December came, and the tendencies of absenteeism on the +part of the servants showed no signs of abatement. They were +remonstrated with, but it made no difference. They didn't go out, +they declared, because they wanted to, but because they had to. +Cook couldn't let her relatives go unattended. Mary's religious +scruples simply dragged her out of the house, try as she would to +stay in; and as for John, as long as Dennis was on hand to take his +place he couldn't see why Mr. Perkins was dissatisfied. To tell the +truth, John had recently imbibed some more or less capitalistic--or +anticapitalistic--doctrines, and he was quite incapable of +understanding why, if a street-contractor, for instance, was +permitted by the laws of the land to sublet the work for which he +had contracted, he, John, should not be permitted to sublet his +contract to Dennis, piecemeal, or even as a whole, if he saw fit to +do so. + +Thaddeus, seeing that Bessie was very much upset by the condition of +affairs, had said little about it since Thanksgiving Day, when he +had said about as much as the subject warranted after a six-course +dinner had been hurried through in one hour, two courses having been +omitted that Bridget might catch the train leaving for New York at +3.10. Nor would he have said anything further than the final words +of dismissal had he not come home late one afternoon to dress for a +dinner at his club, when he discovered that, owing to the usual +causes, the week's wash, which the combined efforts of cook and +waitress should have finished that day, was delayed twenty-four +hours, the consequence being that Thaddeus had to telephone to the +haberdashery for a dress-shirt and collar. + +"It's bad enough having one's wife buy these things for one, but +when it comes to having a salesman sell you over a telephone the +style of shirt and collar 'he always wears himself,' it is +maddening," began Thaddeus, and then he went on at such an +outrageous rate that Bessie became hysterical, and Thaddeus's +conscience would not permit of his going out at all that night, and +that was the beginning of the end. + +"I'll fix 'em at Christmas-time," said Thaddeus. + +"You won't forget them at Christmas, I hope, Thad," said Bessie, +whose forgiving nature would not hear of anything so ungenerous as +forgetting the servants during the holidays. + +"No," laughed Thaddeus. "I won't forget 'em. I'll give 'em all the +very things they like best." + +"Oh, I see," smiled Bessie. "On the coals-of-fire principle. Well, +I shouldn't wonder but it would work admirably. Perhaps they'll be +so ashamed they'll do better." + +"Perhaps--if the coals do not burn too deep," said Thaddeus, with a +significant smile. + +Christmas Eve arrived, and little Thad's tree was dressed, the gifts +were arranged beneath it, and all seemed in readiness for the +dawning of the festal day, when Bessie, taking a mental inventory of +the packages and discovering nothing among them for the servants +save her own usual contribution of a dress and a pair of gloves for +each, turned and said to Thaddeus: + +"Where are the hot coals?" + +"The what?" asked Thaddeus. + +"The coals of fire for the girls and John." + +"Oh!" Thaddeus replied, "I have 'em in the library. I don't think +they'll go well with the tree." + +"What are they?" queried Bess, with a natural show of curiosity. +"Checks?" + +"Yes, partly," said Thaddeus. "Mary is to have a check for $16, +Bridget one for $18, and John one for $40." + +"Why, Thaddeus, that's extravagant. Now, my dear, there's no use of +your doing anything of that--" + +"Wait and see," said Thaddeus. + +"But, Teddy!" Bessie remonstrated. "Those are the amounts of their +wages. You will spoil them, and if I--" + +"As I said before, wait, Bess, wait!" said Thaddeus, calmly. +"You'll understand the whole scheme to-morrow, after breakfast." + +And she did, and when she did she almost wished for a moment that +she didn't, for after breakfast Thaddeus summoned the three +offenders into his presence, and the effect was not altogether free +from painful features to the forgiving Bess. + +"Bridget," Thaddeus said, "do you remember what Mrs. Perkins gave +you last Christmas?" + +"I do not!" replied Bridget, rather uncompromisingly; for it was a +matter of history that she thought Mrs. Perkins on the last +Christmas festival had shown signs of parsimony in giving her a +calico gown instead of one of silk. + +"Well, you won't forget next year what you got this," said Thaddeus, +dryly. "Here is an envelope containing $18, the amount of your +wages until January 1st. Mary, what did you get last Christmas?" + +"A box of candy, sir." + +"Nothing else?" + +"I believe there was a dress of some kind. I gave it to my cousin." + +"Good. I am glad you were so generous. Here is an envelope for +you. It has $16 in it, your wages up to January 1st." + +Bessie stood in the doorway, a mute witness to what seemed to her an +incomprehensible scene. + +"John, what did you get?" + +"Five dollars an' a day off." + +"And a two-dollar bill for Dennis, eh?" + +"Dennis got that." + +"True. Well, John, here's $40 for you--that pays you until January +1st. Now, it strikes me that, considering the behavior of you three +people, I am very generous to pay you your wages a week in advance, +but I am not going to stop there. I have studied you all very +carefully, and I've tried to discover what it is you are fondest of. +Cook and Mary do not seem to care much for dresses, though I believe +there are dresses and gloves under the tree for them, which fact +they will doubtless forget by next Christmas Day. The five dollars +and a day off John seems to remember, though from his manner of +recalling it I do not think his remembrance is a very pleasing one. +Now I've found out what it is you all like the best, and I'm going +to give it to you." + +Here the trio endeavored to appear gracious, though they were +manifestly uneasy and a bit dissatisfied with what John would have +called "the luks of t'ings." + +"Cook, from the 1st of January, may go to her relatives, and stay +until they're every one of them restored to health, if it takes +forty years. Mary may consider herself presented with sixty years' +vacation without pay; and for you, John, I have written this letter +of recommendation to the proprietors of a large undertaking +establishment in New York, who will, I trust, engage you as a chief +mourner, or perhaps hearse-driver, for the balance of your days. At +any rate, you, too, after January 1st, may consider yourself free to +go to any funeral or militia exercises, or anything else you may +choose to honor with your presence, at your own expense. You are +all given leave of absence without pay until further notice. I wish +you a merry Christmas. Good-morning." + +There were no farewells in the house that day; and inasmuch as there +was no Christmas dinner either, Thaddeus and Bessie did not miss the +service of the waitress, who, when last seen, was walking airily off +towards the station, accompanied by the indignant John and a bundle- +laden cook. Next day their trunks went also. + +"It was rather a hard thing to do on Christmas Day, Thaddeus," said +Bessie, a little later. + +"Oh no," quibbled Thaddeus. "It was very easy under the +circumstances, and quite appropriate. This is the time of peace on +earth and good-will to men. The only way for us to have peace on +earth was to get rid of those two women; and as for John, he has my +good-will, now that he is no longer in my employ." + + + +A STRANGE BANQUET + + + +"Thaddeus," said Bessie to her husband as they sat at breakfast one +morning, shortly after the royal banquet over which "Grimmins" had +presided, "did you hear anything strange in the house last night? +Something like a footstep in the hall?" + +"No," said Thaddeus. "I slept like a top last night. I didn't hear +anything. Did you?" + +"I thought so," said Bessie. "About two o'clock I waked up with a +start, and while it may have been a sort of waking dream, I was +almost certain I heard a rustling sound out in the hall, and +immediately after a creaking on the stairs, as though there was +somebody there." + +"Well, why on earth didn't you wake me, Bess?" returned Thaddeus. +"I could easily have decided the matter by getting up and +investigating." + +"That was why I didn't wake you, Teddy. I'd a great deal rather +lose the silver or anything else in the house a burglar might want +than have you hit on the head with a sand-club," said Bessie. "You +men are too brave." + +"Thank you," said Thaddeus, with a smile, as he thought of a certain +discussion he had had not long before at the club, in which he and +several other brave men had reached the unanimous conclusion that +the best thing to do at dead of night, with burglars in the house, +was to crawl down under the bedclothes and snore as loudly as +possible. "Nevertheless, my dear, you should have told me." + +"I will next time," said Bessie. + +"Was anything in the house disturbed?" Thaddeus asked. + +"No," said Bessie. "Not a thing, as far as I can find out. Mary +says that everything was all right when she came down, and the cook +apparently found things straight, because she hasn't said anything." + +So Thaddeus and Bessie made up their minds that the latter had been +dreaming, and that nothing was wrong. Two or three days later, +however, they changed their minds on the subject. There was +something decidedly wrong, but what it was they could not discover. +They were both awakened by a rustling sound in the hallway, outside +of their room, and this time there was a creak on the stairs that +was unmistakable. + +"Don't move, Thaddeus," said Bessie, in a terrified whisper, as +Thaddeus made a brave effort to get up and personally investigate. +"I wouldn't have you hurt for all the world, and there isn't a thing +down-stairs they can take that we can't afford to lose." + +Thaddeus felt very much as Bessie did, and it would have pleased him +much better to lie quietly where he was than run the risk of an +encounter with thieves. He had been brave enough in the company of +men to advocate cowardice in an emergency of just this sort, but now +that this same course was advocated by his wife, he saw it in a +different light. Prudence was possible, cowardice was not. He must +get up, and get up he did; but before going out of his room he +secured his revolver, which had lain untouched and unloaded in his +bureau-drawer for two years, and then advanced cautiously to the +head of the stairs and listened--Bessie meanwhile having buried her +face in her pillow as a possible means of assuaging her fears. It +is singular what a soothing effect a soft feather pillow sometimes +has upon the agitated nerves if the nose of the agitated person is +thrust far enough into its yielding surface. + +"Who is there?" cried Thaddeus, standing at the head of the stairs, +his knees all of a shake, but whether from fear or from cold, as an +admirer of Thaddeus I prefer not to state. + +Apparently the stage-whisper in which this challenge to a possible +burglar was uttered rendered it unavailing, for there was no reply; +but that there was some one below who could reply Thaddeus was now +convinced, for there were sounds in the library--sounds, however, +suggestive of undue attention to domestic duties rather than of that +which fate has mapped out for house-breakers. The library floor was +apparently being swept. + +"That's the biggest idiot of a burglar I've ever heard of," said +Thaddeus, returning to his room. + +"Wh-wha-what, d-dud-dear?" mumbled Mrs. Perkins, burying her ear in +the pillow for comfort now that she was compelled to take her nose +away so that she might talk intelligibly. + +"I say that burglar must be an idiot," repeated Thaddeus. "What do +you suppose he is doing now?" + +"Wh-wha-what, d-dud-dear?" asked Bessie, apparently unable to think +of any formula other than this in speaking, since this was the +second time she had used it. + +"He is sweeping the library." + +"Then you must not go down," cried Bessie, sitting up, and losing +her fear for a moment in her anxiety for her husband's safety. "A +burglar you might manage, but a maniac--" + +"I must go, Bess," said Thaddeus, firmly. + +"Then I'm going with you," said Mrs. Perkins, with equal firmness. + +"Now, Bess, don't be foolish," returned Thaddeus, his face assuming +a graver expression than his wife had ever seen there. "This is my +work, and it is none of yours. I positively forbid you to stir out +of this room. I shall be very careful, and you need have no concern +for me. I shall go down the backstairs and around by the porch, and +peep in through the library window first. The moonlight will be +sufficient to enable me to see all that is necessary." + +"Very well," acquiesced Bessie, "only do be careful." + +Thaddeus donned his long bath-robe, put on his slippers, and started +to descend. The stairs were so dark that he could with difficulty +proceed--and perhaps it was just as well for Thaddeus that they +were. If there had been light enough for him to see two great +glaring eyes that stared at him through that darkness out from the +passageway at the foot of the stairs, upon which he turned his back +when he went out upon the porch, it is not unlikely that a very +serious climax to his strange experience would have been reached +then and there. As it was, he saw nothing, but kept straight ahead, +stepped noiselessly out upon the piazza, crept stealthily along in +the soft light of the moon, until he reached the library window. +There he stopped and listened. All was still within--so still that +the beating of his heart seemed like the hammering of a sledge upon +an anvil by contrast. Then, raising himself cautiously upon his +toes, he peered through the window into the room, the greater part +of which was made visible by the wealth of the moon's light +streaming into it. + +"Humph!" said Thaddeus, after he had directed his searching gaze +into every corner. "There isn't anybody there at all. Most +incomprehensible thing I ever heard of." + +Rising, he walked back to the piazza door, and went thence boldly +into the library and lit the gas. His piazza observations were then +verified, for the room was devoid of life, save for Thaddeus's own +presence; but upon the floor before the hearth was a broom, and +there were evidences also that the sweeping sounds he had heard had +been caused by no less an instrument than this, for in the corner of +the fireplace was a heap of dust, cigar ashes, and scraps of paper, +which Thaddeus remembered had been upon the hearth in greater or +less quantity when he had turned out the gas to retire a few hours +before. + +"This is a serious matter," he said to himself. "Something is +wrong, and I doubt if there have been burglars in the house; but I +can ascertain that without trouble. If the doors and windows are +all secure the trouble is internal." + +Every accessible door and window on the basement and first floor was +examined, and, with the exception of the piazza door, which Thaddeus +remembered to have unlocked himself a few minutes before, every lock +was fastened. The disturbance had come from within. + +"And Bess must never know it," said he; "it would worry her to +death." And then came a thought to Thaddeus's mind that almost +stopped the beating of his heart. "Unless she has discovered it in +my absence," he gasped. In an instant he was mounting the stairs to +hasten to Bessie's side, as though some terrible thing were pursuing +him. + +"Well, what was it, Ted?" she asked, as he entered the room. + +Perkins gave a sigh of relief. All was safe enough above-stairs at +least. + +"Nothing much," said Thaddeus, in a moment. "There is no one +below." + +"But what could it have been?" + +"I haven't the slightest idea," said Thaddeus, "unless it was a +stray cat in the house. The sweeping sound may have been caused by +a cat scratching its collar--or purring--or--or--something. At any +rate, things appear to be all right, my dear, so let's go to sleep." + +Thaddeus's assumed confidence in the rightness of everything, rather +than his explanations, was convincing to Mrs. Perkins, and in a very +short while she was sleeping the sleep of the just and serene; but +to Thaddeus's eye there came no more sleep that night, and when +morning came he rose unrefreshed. There were two problems +confronting him. The first was to solve the mystery of the swept +library floor; the second was to do this without arousing his wife's +suspicions that anything was wrong. To do the first he deemed it +necessary to remain at home that day, which was easy, for Thaddeus +was more or less independent of office-work. + +"I'm glad you're not going down," said Mrs. Perkins, when he +announced his intention of remaining at home. "You will be able to +make up for your loss of sleep last night." + +"Yes," said Thaddeus. "It's the only thing I can do, I'm so played +out." + +Breakfast passed off pleasantly in spite of a great drawback--the +steak was burned almost to a crisp, and the fried potatoes were like +chips of wood. + +"Margaret seems to be unfamiliar with the art of cooking this +morning," said Thaddeus. + +"So it would seem," said Bessie. "This steak is horrible." + +"The worst part of it is," said Thaddeus, "she has erred on the +wrong side. If the steak were underdone it wouldn't be so bad. +Isn't it a pity Edison can't invent a machine to rarefy an overdone +steak?" + +"That would be a fine idea," smiled Bessie. "And to take a Saratoga +chip and make it less like a chip off a granite block." + +"I don't mind the potatoes so much," said Thaddeus. "I can break +them up in a bowl of milk and secure a gastronomic novelty that, +suitably seasoned, isn't at all bad, but the steak is hopeless." + +"Maybe she heard that cat last night, and thought it was a burglar, +just as we did," Bessie suggested. "I can't account for a breakfast +like this in any other way, can you?" + +"No," said Thaddeus, shortly, and then he had an idea; and when +Thaddeus had an idea he was apt to become extremely reticent. + +"Poor Thad!" thought Bessie, as she noted his sudden change of +demeanor. "He can't stand loss of sleep." + +The morning was spent by Thaddeus in the "noble pastime of +snooping," as he called it. The house was searched by him in a +casual sort of way from top to bottom for a clew to the mystery, but +without avail. Several times he went below to the cellar, +ostensibly to inspect his coal supply, really to observe the +demeanor of Margaret, the cook. Barring an unusual pallor upon her +cheek, she appeared to be as she always had been; but with the +waitress it was different. Mary was evidently excited over +something, but over what Thaddeus could not, of course, determine at +that time. Later in the day, however, the cause of her perturbation +came out, and Thaddeus's effort to keep Bessie from anxiety over the +occurrence of the night before was rendered unavailing. It was at +luncheon. The table was set in a most peculiar fashion. The only +china upon it was from an old set which had been discarded a year +previous to the time of this story, and Bessie naturally wanted to +know why, and the waitress broke down. + +"It's--it's all we have, ma'am," said she, her eyes filling with +tears. + +"All we have?" echoed Mrs. Perkins in surprise. "Why, what do you +mean? Where is the other set?" + +"I don't know," protested the waitress. + +"You don't know?" said Thaddeus, taking the matter in hand. "Why +don't you know? Isn't the china a part of your care?" + +"Yes, sir," replied the maid, "but--it's gone, sir, and I don't know +where." + +"When did you miss it?" asked Thaddeus. + +"Not until I came to set the table for lunch." + +"Was it in its proper place at breakfast-time?" + +"I didn't notice, sir. The breakfast dishes were all there, but I +don't remember seeing the other plates. I didn't think to look." + +"Then it wasn't a cat," said Bessie, sinking back into her chair; +"we have been robbed." + +"Well, it's the first time on record, I guess, that thieves have +ever robbed a man of his china," said Thaddeus, calmly. "Have you +looked for the plates?" he added, addressing the waitress. + +"No, sir," she replied, simply. "Where could I look?" + +"That's so--where?" said Bessie. "There isn't much use looking for +dishes when they disappear like that. They aren't like whisk-brooms +or button-hooks to be mislaid easily. We have been robbed; that's +all there is about that." + +"Oh, well," said Thaddeus, "let's eat lunch, and see about it +afterwards." + +This was quite easy to say, but to eat under the circumstances was +too much for either of the young householders. The luncheon left +the table practically untouched; and when it was over Thaddeus +called his man into the house, wrote a note to the police-station, +asking for an officer in citizen's clothes at once, and despatched +it by him, with the injunction to let very little grass grow under +his feet on the way down to headquarters. He then summoned the +waitress into the library. + +"Have you said anything to Margaret about the china?" he asked. + +"Yes, sir," she replied. + +"What did you say?" + +"I told her as how wasn't it funny the way it had went, sir." + +"And what did she say?" + +"Nothing, sir. Only she seemed to think it was funny, because she +laughed." + +"And what did you say then?" + +"Nothing, Mr. Perkins. Margaret and me have very little +conversation, because she don't fancy me, and prefers talkin' to +herself like." + +"H'm!" said Thaddeus. "Talks to herself, does she?" + +"All the time, sir," returned the waitress, "and she seems very fond +of it, sir. She laughs, and says things, and then laughs again. +She does it by the hour." + +"How long has this been going on?" + +"About a week, sir. I noticed it first last time I had my day out. +I didn't get in until nearly eleven o'clock, and I found her sitting +at the table havin' supper and talkin' and laughin' like as though +there was folks around." + +"She was entirely alone, was she?" asked Thaddeus. + +"Yes, sir." + +"What did you do when you came in?" + +"I said 'Hello' to her and sat down opposite to her at the table, +where there was a place set, and I told her I was glad she had +something to eat and a place set for me, because I hadn't had any +supper and I was hungry, sir." + +"Did she make any reply?" + +"No, sir. She looked at me kind of indignant, and turned out the +gas and went up to bed, leaving me in the dark." + +Thaddeus's brow grew thoughtful again. It wrinkled into a half- +dozen lines as he asked: + +"Why didn't you speak of this before?" + +"It ain't for me to be telling tales, Mr. Perkins," she said. "All +cooks as I've lived with is queer like, and I didn't think any more +about it." + +"All right," said Thaddeus. "You may go. Only, Mary, don't speak +of the plates again to Margaret. Say as little to her as you can, +in fact, about anything. If you notice anything queer, report to me +at once." + +The waitress left the room, and Thaddeus turned to his desk. It was +plain from his appearance that light was beginning to be let in on +places that up to this point had been more or less dark to him, +although, as a matter of fact, he could not in any way account for +the mystery of the vanished plates any more than he could for the +sweeping of the library in the still hours of the night. He had an +idea as to who the culprit was, and what that idea was is plain +enough to us, but the question of motive was the great puzzle to him +now. + +"If she did take them, why should she?" was the problem he was +trying to solve; and then, as if his trials were not already great +enough for one day, Bessie broke excitedly into the room. + +"Thaddeus!" she cried, "there's something wrong in this house; my +best table-cloth is missing, our dessert-spoons are gone, and what +do you suppose has happened?" + +"I don't know--a volcano has developed in the cellar, I suppose," +said Thaddeus. + +"No," said Bessie, "it isn't as bad as that; but the ice-cream man +has telephoned up to know whether we want the cream for dinner or +for eleven o'clock, according to the order as he understands it." + +"Well," said Thaddeus, "I don't see anything very unusual in an ice- +cream man's needing to be told three or four times what is expected +of him." + +"But I never ordered any cream at all," said Bessie. + +"Ah," said Thaddeus, "that's different. Did you tell Partinelli +so?" + +"I did, and he said he was sure he wasn't mistaken, because he had +taken the order himself." + +"From you?" + +"No, from Margaret." + +"Then it's all right," said Thaddeus; "it's a clew that fits very +nicely into my theory of our recent household disturbances. If you +will wait, I think things will begin to develop very shortly, and +then we shall be able to dismiss this indictment against the cat we +thought we heard last night." + +"Do you think Margaret is dishonest?" + +"I don't know," said Thaddeus. "I shouldn't be surprised if she had +friends with taking ways; in other words, my dear, I suspect that +Margaret is in league with people outside of this house who profit +by her mistaken notions as to how to be generous; but I can't prove +it yet." + +"But what are you going to do?" + +"Set a watch. I have sent for a detective," said Thaddeus. + +This was too much for Bessie. She was simply overcome, and she sat +squarely down upon the arm-chair, which fortunately was immediately +behind her. I think that if it had not been, she would have plumped +down upon the floor. + +"Detective!" she gasped. + +"Exactly," said Thaddeus, "and here he comes," he added, as a +carriage was driven up to the door and one of the citizen police +descended therefrom. + +"You would better leave us to talk over this matter together," said +Thaddeus, as he hastened to the door. "We shall be able to manage +it entirely, and the details might make you nervous." + +"I couldn't be more nervous than I am," said Bessie; "but I'll leave +you just the same." + +Whereupon she went to her room, and Thaddeus, for an hour, was +closeted with the detective, to which he detailed the whole story. + +"It's one of the two," said the latter, when Thaddeus had finished, +"and I agree with you it is more likely to be the cook than the +waitress. If it was the waitress, she couldn't have stood your +examination as well as you say she did. Perhaps I'd better see her, +though, and talk to her myself." + +"No, I shouldn't," said Thaddeus "we'll pass you off as a business +acquaintance of mine up from town, and you can stay all night and +watch developments." + +So it was arranged. The detective was introduced into the family as +a correspondent of Thaddeus's firm, and he settled down to watch the +household. Afternoon and evening went by without developments, and +at about eleven o'clock every light in the house was extinguished, +and the whole family, from the head of the house to the cook, had +apparently retired. + +At half-past eleven, however, there were decided signs of life +within the walls of Thaddeus's home. The clew was working +satisfactorily, and the complete revelation of the mystery was close +at hand. + +The remainder of the narrative can best be told in the words of the +detective: + +"When Mr. Perkins sent for me," he said, "and told me all that had +happened, I made up my mind that he had a servant in his house for +whom the police had been on the lookout for some time. I thought +she was a certain Helen Malony, alias Bridget O'Shaughnessy, alias +many other names, who was nothing more nor less than the agent of a +clever band of thieves who had lifted thousands of dollars of swag +in the line of household silver, valuable books, diamonds, and other +things from private houses, where she had been employed in various +capacities. I could not understand why she should have made 'way +with the dishes and Mrs. Perkins's table-cloth, but there's no +accounting for tastes of people in that line of business, so I +didn't bother much trying to reason that matter out. + +"After we'd had dinner and spent the evening in Mr. Perkins's +library, the family went to bed, and I pretended to do the same. +Instead of really going to bed, I waited my chance and slipped down +the stairs into the dining-room, and got under the table. At eleven +o'clock the maidservants went up to their rooms, and at quarter-past +there wasn't a light burning in the house. I sat there in the +dining-room waiting, and just as the clock struck half-past eleven I +heard a noise out on the stairs, and in less than half a minute a +sulphur match was struck almost over my head under the table, and +there stood the cook, her face livid as that of a dead person, and +in her hand she held a candle, which she lit with the match. From +where I was I could see everything she did, which was not much. She +simply gathered up all the table fixings she could, and started +down-stairs into the kitchen with 'em. Then I went up to Mr. +Perkins's room and called him. He put on his clothes and got out +his revolver, when we stole down-stairs together, leaving Mrs. +Perkins up-stairs, with her boy's nurse and the waitress to keep her +company. + +"In a second we were in the laundry, which was as dark as the ace of +spades, except where the light from four gas-jets in the kitchen +streamed in through the half-open door. Mr. Perkins was for +pouncing in on the cook at once, but I was after the rest of the +gang as much as I was for the cook, and I persuaded him to wait; +and, by thunder, we were paid for waiting. It was the queerest case +I ever had. + +"That woman--looking for all the world like a creature from some +other part of the universe than this earth, her eyes burning like +two huge coals, her checks as yellow and clear as so much wax, and +her lips blue-white, with a great flaming red tongue sort of laid +between them--worked like a slave cleaning the floor, polishing the +range, and scrubbing the table. Then she dusted all the chairs, +and, producing the missing table-cloth, she laid it snow-white upon +the table. In two minutes more the lost china was brought to light +out of the flour-barrel, polished off, and set upon the table-- +enough for twenty people. The dining-room things I had seen her +take she arranged as tastefully as any one could want, and then the +finest lay-out in the way of salads, cakes, fruits, and other good +things I ever saw was brought in from the cellar. To do all this +took a marvellously short time. It was five minutes of midnight +went she got through, and then she devoted three minutes to looking +after herself. She whisked out a small hand-glass and touched up +her hair a bit. Then she washed her hands and pinned some roses on +her dress, smiled a smile I can never forget in my life, and opened +the kitchen door and went out. + +"'She's going to give a supper!' whispered Mr. Perkins. + +"'It looks like it,' said I. 'And a mighty fine one at that.' + +"In a minute she came back with a pail, in which were four bottles +of champagne, in her hand. This she took into the cellar, returning +to the kitchen as the clock struck twelve. + +"Then the queerest part began," said the detective. "For ten +minutes by the clock people were apparently arriving, though, as far +as Mr. Perkins or I could see, there wasn't a soul in the kitchen +besides Margaret. She was talking away like one possessed. Every +once in a while she'd stop in the middle of a sentence and rush to +the door and shake hands with some, to us invisible, arrival. Then +she'd walk in with them chatting and laughing. Several times she +went through the motion of taking people's hats, and finally, if we +could judge from her actions, she had 'em all seated at the table. +She passed salads all around, helping each guest herself. She sent +them fruit and cakes, and then she brought out the wine, which she +distributed in the same fashion. She also apologized because some +ice-cream she had ordered hadn't come. + +"When the invisible guests appeared to have had all they could eat, +she began the chatty part again, and never seemed to be disturbed +but once, when she requested some one not to sing so loud for fear +of disturbing the family. + +"Altogether it was the weirdest and rummest thing I'd ever seen in +my life. We watched it for one full hour, and then we quit because +she did. At one o'clock she apparently bade her guests good-night, +after which she gathered up and put away all the eatables there were +left--and, of course, everything but what she had eaten herself +still remained--cleaned all the dishes, restored them to their +proper places in the dining-room pantry, and went back up-stairs to +her room. + +"Mr. Perkins and I didn't know what to make of it. There wasn't a +thing stolen, and it was clear to my mind that I'd done the woman an +injustice in connecting her with thieves. She was honest, except in +so far as she had ordered all those salads and creams and things +from time to time on Mr. Perkins's account, which was easy enough +for her to do, since Mrs. Perkins let her do the ordering. There +was only one explanation of the matter. She was crazy, and I said +so. + +"'I fancy you are right,' said Mr. Perkins. 'We'll have to send her +to an asylum!' + +"'That's the thing,' said I, 'and we'd better do it the first thing +in the morning. I wouldn't tackle her to-night, because she's +probably excited, and like as not would make a great deal of +trouble.' + +"And that," said the detective, "was where Mr. Perkins and I made +our mistake. Next morning she wasn't to be found, and to this day I +haven't heard a word of her. She disappeared just like that," he +said, snapping his fingers. "Of course, I don't mean to say that +anything supernatural occurred. She simply must have slipped down +and out while we were asleep. The front door was wide open in the +morning, and a woman answering to her description was seen to leave +the Park station, five miles from the Perkins house, on the six- +thirty train that morning." + +"And you have no idea where she is now?" I asked of the detective, +when he had finished. + +"No," he answered, "not the slightest. For all I know she may be +cooking for you at this very minute." + +With which comforting remark he left me. + +For my part, I hope the detective was wrong. If I thought there was +a possibility of Margaret's ever being queen of my culinary +department, I should either give up house-keeping at once and join +some simple community where every man is his own chef, or dine +forevermore on canned goods. + + + +JANE + + + +She was quite the reverse of beautiful--to some she was positively +unpleasant to look upon; but that made no difference to Mrs. +Thaddeus Perkins, who, after long experience with domestics, had +come to judge of the value of a servant by her performance rather +than by her appearance. The girl--if girl she were, for she might +have been thirty or sixty, so far as any one could judge from a +merely superficial glance at her face and figure--was neat of +aspect, and, what was more, she had come well recommended. She bore +upon her face every evidence of respectability and character, as +well as one or two lines which might have indicated years or +toothache--it was difficult to decide which. On certain days, when +the weather was very warm and she had much to do, the impression was +that the lines meant years, and many of them, accentuated as they +were by her pallor, the whiteness of her face making the lines seem +almost black in their intensity. When she smiled, however, which +she rarely did--she was solemn enough to have been a butler--one was +impressed with the idea of hours of pain from a wicked tooth. At +any rate, she was engaged as waitress, and put in charge of the +first floor of the Perkins household. + +"I fancy we've at last got a real treasure," said Mrs. Perkins. +"There's no nonsense about Jane--I think." The last two words were +added apologetically. + +"Where did you get her?" asked Thaddeus. "At an Imbecility Office?" + +"I don't quite know what you mean--an Imbecility Office?" + +"Only my pet, private, and particular name for it, my dear. You +would speak of it as an Intelligence Office, no doubt," was the +reply. "My observation of the fruit of Intelligence Offices has +convinced me that they deal in Imbecility." + +"Not quite," laughed Mrs. Perkins. "They look after Domestic +Vacancies." + +"Well, they do it with a vengeance," said Perkins. "We've had more +vacancies in this house to do our cooking and our laundering and our +house-work generally than two able-bodied men could shake sticks at. +It seems to me that the domestic servant of to-day is fonder of +preoccupation than of occupation." + +"Jane, I think, is different from the general run," said Mrs. +Perkins. "As I said, she has no nonsense about her." + +"Is she--an--an ornament to the scene--pretty, and all that?" asked +Perkins. + +"Quite the reverse," replied the little house-keeper. "She is as +plain as a--as a--" + +"Say hedge-fence and be done with it," said Perkins. "I'm glad of +it. What's the use of providing a good dinner for your friends if +they are going to spend all their time looking at the waitress? +When I give a dinner it makes me tired to have the men afterwards +speak of the waitress rather than of the puree or the birds. If any +domestic is to dominate the repast at all it should be the cook." + +"Service counts for a great deal, though, Ted," suggested Mrs. +Perkins. + +"True," replied Thaddeus; "but on the whole, when I am starving, +give me a filet bearnaise served by a sailor, rather than an empty +plate brought in in style by a butler of illustrious lineage and +impressive manner." Then he added: "I hope she isn't too homely, +Bess--not a 'clock-stopper,' as the saying is. You don't want +people's appetites taken away when you've worked for hours on a menu +calculated to tickle the palates of your guests. Would her +homeliness--ah--efface itself, for instance, in the presence of a +culinary creation, or is it likely to overshadow everything with its +ineffaceable completeness?" + +"I think she'll do," returned Mrs. Perkins; "especially with your +friends, who, it seems to me, would one and all insist upon +finishing a 'creation,' as you call it, even if lightning should +strike the house." + +"From that point of view," said he, "I'm confident that Jane will +do." + +So Jane came, and for a year, strange to relate, was all that her +references claimed for her. She was neat, clean, and capable. She +was sober and industrious. The wine had never been better served; +the dinner had rarely come to the table so hot. Had she been a +butler of the first magnitude she could not so have discouraged the +idea of acquaintance; her attraction, if anything, was a combination +of her self-effacement and her ugliness. The latter might have been +noticed as she entered the dining-room; it was soon forgotten in the +unconsciously observed ease with which she went through her work. + +"She's fine," said Perkins, after a dinner of twelve covers served +by Jane with a pantry assistant. "I've always had a sneaking notion +that nothing short of a butler could satisfy me, but now I think +otherwise. Jane is perfection, and there is nothing paralyzing +about her, as there is about most of those reduced swells who wait +on tables nowadays." + +In August the family departed for the mountains, and the house was +left in charge of Jane and the cook, and right faithfully did they +fulfil the requirements of their stewardship. The return in +September found the house cleaned from top to bottom. The hardwood +floors and stairs shone as they had rarely shone before, and as only +an unlimited application of what is vulgarly termed "elbow-grease" +could make them shine. The linen was immaculate. Ireland is not +freer from snakes than was the house of Perkins from cobwebs, and no +speck of dust except those on the travellers was visible. It was +evident that even in the absence of the family Jane was true to her +ideals, and the heart of Mrs. Perkins was glad. Furthermore, Jane +had acquired a full third set of teeth, which seemed to take some of +the lines from her face, and, as Perkins observed, added materially +to the general effect of the surroundings, although they were +distressingly new. But, alas! they marked the beginning of the end. +Jane ceased to wait upon the table with that solemnity which is +essential to the manner of a "treasure"; she smiled occasionally, +and where hitherto she had treated the conversation at the table +with stolid indifference, a witticism would invariably now bring the +new teeth unto view. + +"Alas!" cried Thaddeus, "our butleress has evoluted backwards. She +grins like an ordinary waitress." + +It was too true. The possession of brilliantly white teeth seemed +to have brought with it a desire to show them, which was destructive +of that dignity with which Jane had previously been hedged about, +and substituted for it a less desirable atmosphere of possible +familiarity, which might grow upon very slight provocation into +intimacy, not to mention a nearer approach to social equality. + +"I don't suppose we can blame her exactly," said Perkins, when +discussing one or two of Jane's lapses from her old-time standard. +"I haven't a doubt that if I'd gone for years without teeth, I'd +become a regular Cheshire cat, with a new, complete edition de luxe +of celluloid molars. Still, I wish she'd paid more attention to the +dinner and less to Mr. Barlow's conversation last night. She stood +a whole minute, with the salad-bowl in her hand, waiting for him to +reach the point of his story about the plumber who put a gas-pipe +through Shakespeare's tenor in Westminster Abbey, and when he +finished, and she smiled, you'd have thought a dozen gravestones to +the deceased's memory had been conjured up before us." + +"It's a small fault, Thaddeus," returned Mrs. Perkins, "but I'll +speak to her about it." + +"Oh, I wouldn't," said Perkins; "let it go; she means well, and when +we got her we didn't suspect she'd turn out such a jewel. She's +merely approaching her norm, that is all. We ought to be thankful +to have had such perfection for one year. It's too bad it couldn't +continue; but what perfection does?" + +Nothing, therefore, was said, and Jane smiled on, yet waited most +acceptably and kept all things decently and in order--for a little +while. Along about Christmas-time a further decadence and +additional flaw in the jewel was discovered, and it was Perkins +himself who discovered it. It happened one day while he was at work +alone in the house, Mrs. Perkins having gone out shopping. A friend +from Boston appeared--a friend interested in bric-a-brac and china +generally. Thaddeus, to whom a luncheon in solitary grandeur was +little short of abomination, invited his Boston friend to stay and +share pot-luck with him, knowing, hypocrite that he was, that pot- +luck did not mean pot-luck at all, but a course luncheon which many +men would have found all-sufficient at dinner. The Boston friend +accepted, and the luncheon was served by Jane. In the course of the +repast the visitor observed: + +"Pretty good china you have, Perkins." + +"Yes," returned Thaddeus, "pretty good. I've always had a penchant +for china. My mother-in-law thinks I'm extravagant, and sometimes I +think she is right. You never saw my Capodimonte coffees, did you?" + +"No," replied the Bostonian, "I never did. Where'd you get 'em?" + +"London," replied Perkins, "last time I was over. You must see +them, by all means. Ah, Jane, hand Mr. Bunkerrill one of the +Capodimonte coffees." + +"Wan o' the what, sorr?" asked the treasure. + +Thaddeus blushed. To have his jewel go back on him at such a crisis +was excessively annoying. "One of those gold after-dinner coffee- +cups--one of the little ones, with the flowery raised figures," he +said, sharply. + +"Oh!" said Jane, "wan o' thim with somebody else's initial on the +bottom?" + +"Yes," said Thaddeus, fuming inwardly. + +"Quite a connoisseur, that woman," laughed the visitor, as Jane went +after the dinner-cup. "She's observed the china mark. She know's N +doesn't stand for Perkins." + +Thaddeus laughed weakly. "She probably thinks we got them second- +hand," he said. + +"Very likely you did," retorted the Bostonian, and Jane returned +with the desired cup. "An admirable specimen," continued the +connoisseur; and them, turning the cup bottom upwards in search of +the mark, he disclosed to his own and Thaddeus's astonished gaze no +less an object than the remains of a mashed green pea, a +reminiscence of the last Perkins dinner, and conclusive evidence +that at times Jane was not as careful in the washing of her china as +she might have been. + +It would be futile and useless for me to attempt to describe the +emotions of Thaddeus. I fancy a large enough number of us having +been through similar experiences to comprehend the man's +mortification and his inward wrath. It was too great to find +suitable expression at the moment. Nothing short of the absolute +destruction of the cup and the annihilation of Jane could have +adequately expressed Perkins's true feelings. He was not by nature, +however, a scene-maker--it would have been better if he had been--so +he said nothing, abiding by his rule, which seemed to be that the +man of the house would do better to reprehend the short-comings of a +delinquent servant by blowing up his wife rather than by going +direct to the core of the trouble and reading the maid a lecture. A +great many men adopt this same method. I do. It is the easiest, +though it is possibly prompted by that cowardice which is latent +with us all. I never in my life have discharged more than one +servant, and I not only did not do it gracefully, but discharged the +wrong one; since which time I have left all that sort of work to +others more competent than I. Perkins's method was precisely thus. + +"I'm not going to interfere," was his invariable remark in cases of +the kind under discussion; which was unwise, for if he had even +scolded a servant as he did his wife for the servant's fault he +might have secured better service sooner or later. + +Unfortunately, when Mrs. Perkins reached home that night she was so +very tired with her exertions in the shops that Thaddeus hadn't the +heart to tell her what had happened, and when morning came the +episode was forgotten. When it did recur to his mind it so happened +that Mrs. Perkins was out of reach. The result was that a month had +passed before Mrs. Perkins cane into possession of the facts, and it +was then, of course, too late to mention it to Jane. + +"You should have given her a good talking to at the time," said Mrs. +Perkins. "It's awful! I don't know what has got into Jane. My +best table-cloth has got a great hole in it, and she is very +careless with the silver. My fruit-knife last night was not clean." + +"I suppose YOU spoke to her about that?" said Perkins, smiling. + +"Not exactly; I sent for another, and handed her the dirty one," +returned Mrs. Perkins. "I guess she felt all that I could have +said." + +And time went on, and Jane continued to decay. She pulled corks +from olive-bottles with the carving-fork prongs and bent them +backwards. She developed a habit of going out and leaving her work +undone. The powdered sugar was allowed to resolve itself into +small, hard, pill-shaped lumps of various sizes. Breakfast had a +way of being served cold. The coffee was at times merely tepid; in +short, it seemed as if she really ought to be discharged; but then +there was invariably some reason for postponing the fatal hour. +Either her kindness to the children or a week or two of the old-time +efficiency, her unyielding civility, her scrupulous honesty, her +willing acquiescence in any new duty imposed, an impression that she +was suffering, any one or all of these reasons kept her on in her +place until she became so much a fixture in the household, so much +one of the family, that the idea of getting rid of her seemed beyond +the possibility of realization. That the axe should fall her +employers knew well, and many a resolve was taken that at the end of +the season she should go, yet neither Mrs. Perkins nor her husband +liked to tell her so. Her good points were still too potent, +although none could deny that all confidence in her efficiency was +shattered past repair. The situation finally reached a point where +it inspired reflections of a more or less humorous order. + +"I tell you what I think," said Thaddeus one evening, after a +particularly flagrant breach on Jane's part, involving a streak of +cranberry sauce across a supposititiously clean plate: "you won't +discharge her, Bess, and I won't; suppose we send for Mr. Burke, and +get him to do it." + +Mr. Burke was the one reliable man in town. It didn't make much +difference what the Perkinses wanted done, they generally sent for +Mr. Burke to do it, largely because when he attempted a commission +he saw it through. A carpenter and builder by trade, he had for +many years looked after the repairs needful to the Perkins' +dwelling; he had come often between Thaddeus and unskilled labor; he +had made bookcases which were dreams of convenience and sufficiently +pleasing to the eye; he had "fixed up" Mrs. Perkins's garden; he had +supplied the family with a new gardener when the old one had taken +on habits of drink, which destroyed not only himself but the +cabbages; he had kept an eye on the plumbers; he had put up, taken +down, and repaired awnings--in short, as Perkins said, he was a +"Universal." Once, when a delicate piece of bric-a-brac had been +broken and the china-mender asserted that it could not be mended, +Perkins had said, "See if Burke can't fix it," and Burke had fixed +it; and as final tribute to this wonder, Perkins had said, in +suffering: + +"My dear, I'm afraid I have appendicitis. Send for Mr. Burke." + +"Mr. Burke!" echoed his wife. + +"Yes, Mr. Burke," moaned the sufferer. "If my vermiform appendix is +to be removed, I'd rather have Mr. Burke do it with a chisel and saw +than any surgeon I know; and I won't take ether either, because it +is such a satisfaction to see him work." + +So, when this happy pair of house-holders had reached what might be +described as the grand climateric of their patience, and it was +finally decided that Jane's usefulness was a thing of the past, and +utterly beyond redemption, Thaddeus naturally suggested turning to +his faithful friend, Mr. Burke, to rid them of their woes, and, +indeed, but for Jane's own intervention, I fear that course would +have proved the sole alternative to her becoming an irremovable +fixture in the household. But it was Jane herself who solved the +problem. + +It was two days after the cranberry episode that the solution came, +and it was in this wise: + +"Did ye send for me?" Jane asked, suddenly materializing in Mrs. +Perkins's room. + +"No, Jane, I haven't; why?" + +The girl began to shed tears. + +"Because--you'd ought to have, ma'am. I know well enough that I +ain't satisfactory to you," she returned, her voice quivering, "and +I can't be, and I know you want me to go--and I--I've come to give +you notice." + +Then Mrs. Perkins looked at Jane with sorrow on her countenance, for +she had acquired an affection for her which the maid's delinquencies +had not been able to efface. + +"Can't you try and do better?" she asked. + +"No, ma'am," returned Jane. "Not with the system--never. Mr. +Perkins is too easy, and you do be so soft-hearted it don't keep a +girl up to her work. When I first come here, ma'am, not knowin' ye +well, I was afraid to be anything but what was right, but the way +you took accidents, and a bit of a shortcomin' once in a while, sort +of took away my fear, and I've been goin' down hill ever since. +Servant-girls is only human, Mrs. Perkins." + +Mrs. Perkins looked at Jane inquiringly. + +"We needs to be kept up to our work just as much as anybody else, +and when a lady like yourself is too easy, it gets a girl into bad +habits, and occasionally it does us good if the gentleman of the +house will swear at us, Mrs. Perkins, and sort of scare us, so it +does. It was that that was the making of me. The last place I was +in, ma'am, I was so afraid of both the missus and the gentleman that +I didn't dare to be careless; and I didn't dare be careless with you +until I found you all the time a-smilin', whatever went wrong, and +Mr. Perkins never sayin' a word, whether the dishes come to the +table clean or not." + +"Well, Jane," said Mrs. Perkins, somewhat carried away by this +course of reasoning, "you haven't been what we hoped--there is no +denying that; but knowing that you were disappointing us, why +couldn't you have made a special effort?" + +"Oh, Mrs. Perkins," sobbed the poor woman, "you don't understand. +We're all disappointin' to them we loves, but--it's them we fear--" + +"Then why aren't you afraid of us?" + +Jane laughed through her tears. The idea was preposterous. + +"Afraid of you and Mr. Perkins? Ah!" she said, sadly, "if I only +could be--but I can't. Why, Mrs. Perkins, if Mr. Perkins should +come in here now and swear at me the way Mr. Barley did when I +worked there, I'd know he was only puttin' it on, and that inside +he'd be laughin' at me. No, ma'am, it's no use. I feel that I must +go, or I'll be forever ruined. It was the cranberry showed me; a +girl had ought to be discharged for that. Dirty dinner plates isn't +excusable, and yet neither of you said a word, and next week it'll +be the same way--so I'm goin'. You won't send me off, so I've got +to do it myself." + +"Very well, Jane," said Mrs. Perkins; "if that is the way you feel +about it we'll have to part, I suppose. I am sorry, but--" + +The sentence was not finished, for Jane rushed weeping from the +room, and within a few days, her place having been filled, the house +knew her no more, except as an occasional visitor, ostensibly to see +the children. Later she got a place to her satisfaction, and one +night the Perkins were invited to dine with Jane's new employers. +They went and found their old-time "butler" at the very zenith of +her powers. She served the dinner as she had never served one in +her palmiest days in the Perkins's dining-room; and when all was +over, and when Mrs. Perkins went up-stairs to don her wrap to return +home, she found Jane above waiting to help her. + +"I am glad to see you so happy, Jane," she said, as the girl held +her cloak. + +"Ah, ma'am, I'm not very happy." + +"You ought to be, here. Your work to-night was perfect." + +"Yes," said Jane, "it had to be, for"--here her voice fell to a +whisper--"I don't dare let it be different, ma'am. Mrs. Harkins is +a regular divvle, and the ould gentleman--well, ma'am, he do swear +finer 'n any gentleman I ever met. It's just the place for me." + +And Jane sighed as her old mistress left her. + +"Wasn't she great, Bess?" said Thaddeus, on the way home. + +"She was, indeed," replied Mrs. Perkins, with a smile. "It's a pity +I'm not a divvle." + +Thaddeus laughed. "That's so," he said; "or that I never learned to +swear like a gentleman, eh?" + + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PASTE JEWELS*** + + +******* This file should be named 4930.txt or 4930.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/4/9/3/4930 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1425624 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #4930 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/4930) diff --git a/old/4930-h.htm b/old/4930-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2a76814 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/4930-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,4125 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=US-ASCII"> +<title>Paste Jewels</title> +</head> +<body> +<h2> +<a href="#startoftext">Paste Jewels, by John Kendrick Bangs</a> +</h2> +<pre> +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Paste Jewels, by John Kendrick Bangs +(#7 in our series by John Kendrick Bangs) + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net + + + + + +Title: Paste Jewels + +Author: John Kendrick Bangs + +Release Date: November 20, 2004 [eBook #4930] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PASTE JEWELS*** + + + +Transcribed by David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk, from the +1897 Harper and Brothers edition. +</pre> +<p> +<a name="startoftext"></a> +PASTE JEWELS<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +PREFACE<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +It may interest the readers of this collection of tales, if there should +be any such, to know that the incidents upon which the stories are based +are unfortunately wholly truthful. They have one and all come +under the author’s observation during the past ten years, and +with the exception of “Mr. Bradley’s Jewel,” concerning +whom it is expressly stated that she was employed through lack of other +available material, not one of the servants herein made famous or infamous, +as the case may be, was employed except upon presentation of references +written by responsible persons that could properly have been given only +to domestics of the most sterling character. It is this last fact +that points the moral of the tales here presented, if it does not adorn +them.<br> +<br> +J. K. B.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +THE EMANCIPATION OF THADDEUS<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +They were very young, and possibly too amiable. Thaddeus was but +twenty-four and Bessie twenty-two when they twain, made one, walked +down the middle aisle of St. Peter’s together.<br> +<br> +Everybody remarked how amiable she looked even then; not that a bride +on her way out of church should look unamiable, of course, but we all +know how brides do look, as a rule, on such occasions - looks difficult +of analysis, but strangely suggestive of determined timidity, if there +can be such a quality expressed in the human face. It is the natural +expression of one who knows that she has taken the most important step +of her life, and, on turning to face those who have been bidden to witness +the ceremony, observes that the sacredness of the occasion is somewhat +marred by the presence in church of the unbidden curiosity-seekers, +who have come for much the same reason as that which prompts them to +go to the theatre - to enjoy the spectacle. But Bessie’s +face showed nothing but that intense amiability for which she had all +her life long been noted; and as for Thaddeus, he never ceased to smile +from the moment he turned and faced the congregation until the carriage +door closed upon him and his bride, and then, of course, he had to, +his lips being otherwise engaged. Indeed, Thaddeus’s amiability +was his greatest vice. He had never been known to be ill-natured +in his life but once, and that was during the week that Bessie had kept +him in suspense while she was making up her mind not to say “No” +to an important proposition he had made - a proposition, by-the-way, +which resulted in this very ceremony, and was largely responsible for +the trials and tribulations which followed.<br> +<br> +Thaddeus was rich - that is, he had an income and a vocation; a charming +little home was awaiting their coming, off in a convenient suburb; and, +best of all, Bessie was an accomplished house-keeper, having studied +under the best mistresses of that art to be found in the country. +And even if she had not completely mastered the art of keeping house, +Thaddeus was confident that all would go well with them, for their waitress +was a jewel, inherited from Bessie’s mother, and the cook, though +somewhat advanced in years, was beyond cavil, having been known to the +family of Thaddeus for a longer period than Thaddeus himself had been. +The only uncertain quantity in the household was Norah, the up-stairs +girl, who was not only new, but auburn-haired and of Celtic extraction.<br> +<br> +Under such circumstances did the young couple start in life, and many +there were who looked upon them with envy. At first, of course, +the household did not run as smoothly as it might have done - meals +were late, and served with less ceremony than either liked; but, as +Bessie said, as she and Thaddeus were finishing their breakfast one +morning, “What could you expect?”<br> +<br> +To which Thaddeus, with his customary smile, replied “What, indeed! +We get along much better than I really thought we should with old Ellen.”<br> +<br> +Old Ellen was the cook, and she had been known to Thaddeus as “Old +Ellen” even before his lips were able to utter the words.<br> +<br> +“Ellen has her ways, and Jane has hers,” said Bessie. +“After Jane has got accustomed to Ellen’s way of getting +breakfast ready, she will know better how to go about her own work. +I think, perhaps, cook’s manner is a little harsh. She made +Jane cry about the omelet this morning; but Jane is teary, anyhow.”<br> +<br> +“It wouldn’t do to have Ellen oily and Jane watery,” +Thaddeus answered. “They’d mix worse than ever then. +We’re in pretty good luck as it is.”<br> +<br> +“I think so, too, Teddy,” Bessie replied; “but Jane +is so foolish. She might have known better than to send the square +platter down to Ellen for an omelet, when the omelet was five times +as long as it was broad.”<br> +<br> +“You always had square omelets, though, at your house - that is, +whenever I was there you had,” said Thaddeus. “And +I suppose Jane’s notion is that as things happened under your +mother’s régime, so they ought to happen here.”<br> +<br> +“Possibly that was her notion,” replied Bessie; “but, +then, in your family the omelets were oblong, and Ellen is too old to +depart from her traditions. Old people get set in their ways, +and as long as results are satisfactory, we ought not to be captious +about methods.”<br> +<br> +“No, indeed, we shouldn’t,” smiled Thaddeus; “but +I don’t want you to give in to Ellen to too great an extent, my +dear. This is your home, and not my mother’s, and your ways +must be the ways of the house.”<br> +<br> +“Ellen is all right,” returned Bessie, “and I am so +delighted to have her, because, you know, Teddy dear, she knows what +you like even better, perhaps, than I do - naturally so, having grown +up in your family.”<br> +<br> +“Reverse that, my dear. Our family grew up on Ellen. +She set the culinary pace at home. Mother always let her have +her own way, and it may be she is a little spoiled.”<br> +<br> +“Do you know, Teddy, I wonder that, having had Ellen for so many +years, your mother was willing to give her up.”<br> +<br> +“Oh, I can explain that,” Thaddeus answered. “I’m +the youngest, you know; the rest of the family were old enough to be +weaned. Besides, father was getting old, and he had a notion that +the comforts of a hotel were preferable to the discomforts of house-keeping. +Father likes to eat meals at all hours, and the annunciator system of +hotel life, by which you can summon anything in an instant, from a shower-bath +to a feast of terrapin, was rather pleasing to him. He was always +an admirer of the tales of the genii, and he regards the electric button +in a well-appointed hotel as the nearest approach to the famous Aladdin +lamp known to science. You press the button, and your genii do +the rest.”<br> +<br> +“But a hotel isn’t home,” said Bessie.<br> +<br> +“A hotel isn’t this home,” answered Thaddeus. +“Love in a cottage for me; but, Bessie, perhaps you - perhaps +it wouldn’t be a bad idea for you to speak to Jane and Ellen this +morning about their differences. I am an hour late now.”<br> +<br> +Then Thaddeus kissed Bessie, and went down to business.<br> +<br> +On Thaddeus’s departure Bessie’s cheerfulness also deserted +her, and for the first time in her life she felt that it would do her +good if she could fly out at somebody - somebody, however, who was not +endeared to the heart of Thaddeus, or too intimately related to her +own family, which left no one but Norah upon whom to vent the displeasure +that she felt. Norah was, therefore, sought out, and requested +rather peremptorily to say how long it had been since she had dusted +the parlor; to which Norah was able truthfully to answer, “This +mornin’, mim.” Whereupon Bessie’s desire to +be disagreeable departed, and saying that Norah could now clean the +second-story front-room windows, she withdrew to her own snug sewing-room +until luncheon should be served. She was just a trifle put out +with Norah for being so efficient. There is nothing so affronting +to a young house-keeper as the discovery that the inherited family jewels, +upon whom much reliance has been placed, are as paste alongside of the +newly acquired bauble from whom little was expected. It was almost +unkind in Norah, Bessie thought, to be so impeccably conscientious when +Jane and Ellen were developing eccentricities; but there was the consoling +thought that when they had all been together a month or two longer, +their eccentricities would so shape themselves that they would fit into +one another, and ultimately bind the little domestic structure more +firmly together.<br> +<br> +“Perhaps if I let them alone,” Bessie said to herself, “they’ll +forget their differences more quickly. I guess, on the whole, +I will say nothing about it.”<br> +<br> +That night, when Thaddeus came home, the first thing he said to his +wife was: “Well, I suppose you were awfully firm this morning, +eh? Went down into the kitchen and roared like a little tyrant, +eh? I really was afraid to read the paper on the way home. +Didn’t know but what I’d read of a ‘Horrid Accident +in High Life. Mrs. Thaddeus Perkins’s Endeavor to Maintain +Discipline in the Household Results Fatally. Two Old Family Servants +Instantly Killed, and Three of the Kitchen Table Legs Broken by a Domestic +Explosion!’”<br> +<br> +“Be serious, Thaddeus,” said Bessie.<br> +<br> +And Thaddeus became instantly serious. “They - they haven’t +left us, have they?” he whispered, in an awe-struck tone.<br> +<br> +“No. I - I thought I’d let them fight it out between +themselves,” replied Bessie. “You see, Thaddeus, servants +are queer, and do not like to have their differences settled by others +than themselves. It’ll work out all right, if we let them +alone.”<br> +<br> +“I don’t know but that you are right,” said Thaddeus, +after a few moments of thought. “They’re both sensible +girls, and capable of fighting their own battles. Let’s +have dinner. I’m hungry as a bear.”<br> +<br> +It was half-past six o’clock, and the usual hour for dinner. +At 8.10 dinner was served. The intervening time was consumed by +Jane and Ellen endeavoring to settle their differences by the silent, +sniffy method - that is, Jane would sniff, and Ellen would be silent; +and then Ellen would sniff, and Jane would be silent. As for Thaddeus +and Bessie, they were amused rather than angry to have the dear little +broiled chicken Bessie had provided served on the large beef-platter; +and when the pease came up in a cut-glass salad-dish, Thaddeus laughed +outright, but Bessie’s eyes grew moist. It was too evident +that Jane and Ellen were not on speaking terms, and there was strong +need for some one to break the ice. Fortunately, Bessie’s +mother called that evening, and some of her time was spent below-stairs. +What she said there only Ellen and Jane knew, but it had its effect, +and for two or three weeks the jewels worked almost as satisfactorily +as did Norah, the new girl, and quite harmoniously.<br> +<br> +“Bessie,” said Thaddeus, one night as they ate their supper, +“does it occur to you that the roast is a little overdone to-night?”<br> +<br> +“Yes, Teddy, it is very much overdone. I must speak to Ellen +about it. She is a little careless about some things. I’ve +told her several times that you like your beef rare.”<br> +<br> +“Well, I’d tell her again. Constant dropping of water +on its surface will wear away a stone, and I think, perhaps, the constant +dropping of an idea on a cook’s head may wear away some of the +thickest parts of that - at least, until it is worn thin enough for +the idea to get through to where her brain ought to be. You might +say to her, too, that for several nights past dinner has been cold.”<br> +<br> +“I’ll speak to her in the morning,” was Bessie’s +reply; and the dear little woman was true to her purpose.<br> +<br> +“She explained about the beef and the cold dinner, Ted,” +she said, when Thaddeus came home that afternoon.<br> +<br> +“Satisfactorily to all hands, I hope?” said Thaddeus, with +his usual smile.<br> +<br> +“Yes, perfectly. In fact, I wonder we hadn’t thought +of it ourselves. In the old home, you know, the dinner-hour was +six o’clock, while here it is half-past six.”<br> +<br> +“What has that got to do with it?” asked Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“How obtuse of you, Teddy!” exclaimed Bessie. “Don’t +you see, the poor old thing has been so used to six-o’clock dinners +that she has everything ready for us at six? And if we are half +an hour late, of course things get cold; or if they are kept in the +oven, as was the case with the beef last night, they are apt to be overdone?”<br> +<br> +“Why, of course. Ha! Ha! Wonder I didn’t +think of that,” laughed Thaddeus, though his mirth did seem a +little forced. “But - she’s - she’s going to +change, I suppose?”<br> +<br> +“She said she’d try,” Bessie replied. “She +was really so very nice about it, I hadn’t the heart to scold +her.”<br> +<br> +“I’m glad,” was all Thaddeus said, and during the +rest of the meal he was silent. Once or twice he seemed on the +verge of saying something, but apparently changed his mind.<br> +<br> +“Are you tired to-night, dear?” said Bessie, as the dessert +was served.<br> +<br> +“No. Why?” said Thaddeus, shortly.<br> +<br> +“Oh, nothing. I thought you seemed a little so,” Bessie +answered. “You mustn’t work too hard down-town.”<br> +<br> +“No, my dear girl,” he said. “I won’t, +and I don’t. I was thinking all through dinner about those +girls down-stairs. Perhaps - perhaps I had better talk to them, +eh? You are so awfully kind-hearted, and it does seem to me as +though they imposed a little on you, that’s all. The salad +to-night was atrocious. It should have been kept on the ice, instead +of which it comes to the table looking like a last year’s bouquet.”<br> +<br> +Bessie’s eyes grew watery. “I’m afraid it was +my fault,” she said. “I ought to have looked after +the salad myself. I always did at home. I suppose Jane got +it out expecting me to prepare it.”<br> +<br> +“Oh, well, never mind,” said Thaddeus, desirous of soothing +the troubled soul of his wife. “I wouldn’t have mentioned +it, only Jane does too much thinking, in a thoughtless way, anyhow. +Servants aren’t paid to think.”<br> +<br> +“I’ll tell you what, Thaddeus,” said Bessie, her spirits +returning, “we are just as much to blame as they are; we’ve +taken too much for granted, and so have they. Suppose we spend +the evening putting together a set of rules for the management of the +house? It will be lots of fun, and perhaps it will do the girls +good. They ought to understand that while our parents have had +their ways - and reasonable ways - there is no reason why we should +not have our ways.”<br> +<br> +“In other words,” said Thaddeus, “what we want to +draw up is a sort of Declaration of Independence.”<br> +<br> +“That’s it, exactly,” Bessie replied.<br> +<br> +“Better get a slate and write them on that,” suggested Thaddeus, +with a broad grin. “Then we can rub out whatever Jane and +Ellen don’t like.”<br> +<br> +“I hate you when you are sarcastic,” said Bessie, with a +pout, and then she ran for her pad and pencil.<br> +<br> +The evening was passed as she had suggested, and when they retired that +night the house of Perkins was provided with a constitution and by-laws.<br> +<br> +“I don’t suppose I shall recognize my surroundings when +I get back home to-night,” said Thaddeus, when he waked up in +the morning.<br> +<br> +“Why not?” asked Bessie. “What strange transformation +is there to be?”<br> +<br> +“The discipline will be so strict,” answered Thaddeus. +“I presume you will put those rules of ours into operation right +away?”<br> +<br> +“I have been thinking about that,” said Bessie, after a +moment. “You see, Thad, there are a great many things about +running a house that neither you nor I are familiar with yet, and it +seems to me that maybe we’d better wait a little while before +we impose these rules on the girls; it would be awkward to have to make +changes afterwards, you know.”<br> +<br> +“There is something in that,” said Thaddeus; “but, +after all, not so much as you seem to think. All rules have exceptions. +I’ve no doubt that the cook will take exception to most of them.”<br> +<br> +“That’s what I’m afraid of, and as she’s so +old I kind of feel as if I ought to respect her feelings a little more +than we would Norah’s, for instance. I can just tell you +I shall make Norah stand around.”<br> +<br> +“I think it would be a good plan if you did,” said Thaddeus. +“I’m afraid Norah will die if you don’t. She +works too hard to be a real servant - real servants stand around so +much, you know.”<br> +<br> +“Don’t be flippant, Thaddeus. This is a very serious +matter. Norah is a good girl, as you say. She works so much +and so quickly that she really makes me tired, and I’m constantly +oppressed with the thought that she may get through with whatever she +is doing before I can think of something else to occupy her time. +But with her we need have none of the feeling that we have with Jane +and Ellen. She is young, and susceptible to new impressions. +She can fall in with new rules, while the other two might chafe under +them. Now, I say we wait until we find out if we cannot let well +enough alone, and not raise discord in our home.”<br> +<br> +“There never was an Eden without its serpent,” sighed Thaddeus. +“I don’t exactly like the idea of fitting our rules to their +idiosyncrasies.”<br> +<br> +“It isn’t that, dear. I don’t want that, either; +but neither do we wish to unnecessarily hamper them in their work by +demanding that they shall do it our way.”<br> +<br> +“Oh, well, you are the President of the Republic,” said +Thaddeus. “You run matters to suit yourself, and I believe +we’ll have the most prosperous institution in the world before +we know it. If it were a business matter, I’d have those +rules or die; but I suppose you can’t run a house as you would +a business concern. I guess you are right. Keep the rules +a week. Why not submit ‘em to your mother first?”<br> +<br> +“I thought of that,” said Bessie. “But then +it occurred to me that as Ellen had served always under your mother, +it would be better if we consulted her.”<br> +<br> +“I don’t,” said Thaddeus. “She’d +be sure to tell you not to have any rules, or, if she didn’t, +she would advise you to consult with the cook in the matter, which would +result in Ellen’s becoming President, and you and I taxpayers. +She used to run our old house, and now see the consequences!”<br> +<br> +“What are the consequences?” asked Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Mother and father have been driven into a hotel, and the children +have all been married.”<br> +<br> +“That’s awful,” laughed Bessie.<br> +<br> +And so the rules were filed away for future reference. That they +would have remained on file for an indefinite period if Thaddeus had +not asked a friend to spend a few weeks with him, I do not doubt. +Bessie grew daily more mistrustful of their value, and Thaddeus himself +preferred the comfort of a quiet though somewhat irregular mode of living +to the turmoil likely to follow the imposition of obnoxious regulations +upon the aristocrats below-stairs. But the coming of Thaddeus’s +friend made a difference.<br> +<br> +The friend was an elderly man, with a business and a system. He +was a man, for instance, who all his life had breakfasted at seven, +lunched at one, and dined at six-thirty, of which Thaddeus was aware +when he invited him to make his suburban home his headquarters while +his own house was being renovated and his family abroad. Thaddeus +was also aware that the breakfast and dinner hours under Bessie’s +regime were nominally those of his friend, and so he was able to assure +Mr. Liscomb that his coming would in no way disturb the usual serenity +of the domestic pond. The trusting friend came. Breakfast +number one was served fifteen minutes after the hour, and for the first +time in ten years Mr. Liscomb was late in arriving at his office. +He had not quite recovered from the chagrin consequent upon his tardiness +when that evening he sat down to dinner at Thaddeus’s house, served +an hour and ten minutes late, Ellen having been summoned by wire to +town to buy a pair of shoes for one of her sister’s children, +the sister herself suffering from poverty and toothache.<br> +<br> +“I hope you were not delayed seriously this morning, Mr. Liscomb,” +said Bessie, after dinner.<br> +<br> +“Oh no, not at all!” returned Liscomb, polite enough to +tell an untruth, although its opposite was also a part of his system.<br> +<br> +“Ellen must be more prompt with breakfast,” said Thaddeus. +“Seven, sharp, is the hour. Did you speak to her about it?”<br> +<br> +“No, but I intend to,” answered Bessie. “I’ll +tell her the first thing after breakfast to-morrow. I meant to +have spoken about it to-day, but when I got down-stairs she had gone +out.”<br> +<br> +“Was it her day out?”<br> +<br> +“No; but her sister is sick, and she was sent for. It was +all right. She left word where she was going with Jane.”<br> +<br> +“That was very considerate of her,” said Liscomb, politely.<br> +<br> +“Yes,” said Bessie. “Ellen’s a splendid +woman.”<br> +<br> +Later on in the evening, about half-past nine, when Mr. Liscomb, wearied +with the excitement of the first irregular day he had known from boyhood, +retired, Thaddeus took occasion to say:<br> +<br> +“Bessie, I think you’d better tell Ellen about having breakfast +promptly in the morning to-night, before we go to bed.”<br> +<br> +“Very well,” returned Bessie, “I’ll go down +now and do it;” and down she went. In a moment she was back. +“The poor thing was so tired,” she said, “that she +went to bed as soon as dinner was cooked, so I couldn’t tell her.”<br> +<br> +“Why didn’t you send up word to her by Jane?”<br> +<br> +“Oh, she <i>must </i>be asleep by this time!”<br> +<br> +“Oh!” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +It was nine o’clock the next morning when Ellen opened her eyes. +Breakfast had been served a half-hour earlier, Jane and Bessie having +cooked some eggs, which Bessie ate alone, since Thaddeus and Liscomb +were compelled to take the eight-o’clock train to town, hungry +and forlorn. Liscomb was very good-natured about it to Thaddeus, +but his book-keeper had a woful tale to tell of his employer’s +irritability when he returned home that night. As for Thaddeus, +he spoke his mind very plainly - to Liscomb. Bessie never knew +what he said, nor did any of the servants; but he said it to Liscomb, +and, as Liscomb remarked later, he seemed like somebody else altogether +while speaking, he was so fierce and determined about it all. +That night a telegram came from Liscomb, saying that he had been unexpectedly +delayed, and that, as there were several matters requiring his attention +at his own home, he thought he would not be up again until Sunday.<br> +<br> +Bessie was relieved, and Thaddeus was mad.<br> +<br> +“We <i>must </i>have those rules,” he said.<br> +<br> +And so they were brought out. Ellen received them with stolid +indifference; Jane with indignation, if the slamming of doors in various +parts of the house that day betokened anything. Norah accepted +them without a murmur. It made no difference to Norah on what +day she swept the parlor, nor did she seem to care very much because +her “days at home” were shifted, so that her day out was +Friday instead of Thursday.<br> +<br> +“Has Ellen said anything about the rules, my dear?” asked +Thaddeus, a week or two later.<br> +<br> +“Not a word,” returned Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Has she ‘looked’ anything?”<br> +<br> +“Volumes,” Bessie answered.<br> +<br> +“Does she take exception to any of them?”<br> +<br> +“No,” said Bessie, “and I’ve discovered why, +too. She hasn’t read them.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus was silent for a minute. Then he said, quite firmly for +him, “She must read them.”<br> +<br> +“<i>Must </i>is a strong word, Teddy,” Bessie replied, “particularly +since Ellen can’t read.”<br> +<br> +“Then you ought to read them to her.”<br> +<br> +“That’s what I think,” Bessie answered, amiably. +“I’m going to do it very soon - day after to-morrow, I guess.”<br> +<br> +“What has Jane said?” asked Thaddeus, biting his lip.<br> +<br> +Bessie colored. Jane had expressed herself with considerable force, +and Bessie had been a little afraid to tell Thaddeus what she had said +and done.<br> +<br> +“Oh, nothing much,” she answered. “She - she +said she’d never worn caps like a common servant, and wasn’t +going to begin now; and then she didn’t like having to clean the +silver on Saturday afternoons, because the silver-powder got into her +finger-nails; and that really is too bad, Teddy, because Saturday night +is the night her friends come to call, and silver-powder is awfully +hard to get out of your nails, you know; and, of course, a girl wants +to appear neat and clean when she has callers.”<br> +<br> +“Of course,” said Thaddeus. “And I judge by +the appearance of the brass fenders that she doesn’t like to polish +them up on Wednesday because it gives her a backache on Thursday, which +is her day out.”<br> +<br> +Bessie’s eyes took on their watery aspect again.<br> +<br> +“Do the fenders look so very badly, Ted?” she asked.<br> +<br> +“They’re atrocious,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“I’m sorry, dear; but I did my best. I polished them +myself this afternoon; Jane had to go to a funeral.”<br> +<br> +“Oh, my!” cried Thaddeus. “This subject’s +too much for me. Let’s go out - somewhere, anywhere - to +a concert. Music hath its charms to soothe a savage breast, and +my breast is simply the very essence of wildness to-night. Put +on your things, Bess, and hurry, or I’ll suffocate.”<br> +<br> +Bessie did as she was told, and before ten o’clock the happy pair +had forgotten their woes, nor do I think they would have remembered +them again that night had they not found on their return home that they +were locked out.<br> +<br> +At this even the too amiable Bessie was angry - very angry - unjustly, +as it turned out afterwards.<br> +<br> +“They weren’t to blame, after all,” she explained +to Thaddeus, when he came home the next night. “I spoke +to them about it, and they all thought we’d spend the night with +your mother and father at the Oxford.”<br> +<br> +“They’re a thoughtful lot,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +And so time passed. The “treasures” did as they pleased; +the dubious auburn-haired Norah continued her aggravating efficiency. +Bessie’s days were spent in anticipation of an interview of an +unpleasant nature with Jane or Ellen “to-morrow.” +Thaddeus’s former smile grew less perpetual - that is, it was +always visible when Bessie was before him, but when Bessie was elsewhere, +so also was the token of Thaddeus’s amiability. He chafed +under the tyranny, but it never occurred to him but once that it would +be well for him to interview Ellen and Jane; and then, summoning them +fiercely, he addressed them mildly, ended the audience with a smile, +and felt himself beneath their sway more than ever.<br> +<br> +Then something happened. A day came and went, and the morrow thereof +found Thaddeus dethroned from even his nominal position of head of the +house. There was a young Thaddeus, an eight-pound Thaddeus, a +round, red-cheeked, bald-headed Thaddeus that looked more like the Thaddeus +of old than Thaddeus did himself; and then, at a period in which man +feels himself the least among the insignificant, did our hero find happiness +unalloyed once more, for to the pride of being a father was added the +satisfaction of seeing Jane and Ellen acknowledge a superior. +Make no mistake, you who read. It was not to Thaddeus junior that +these gems bowed down. It was to the good woman who came in to +care for the little one and his mother that they humbled themselves.<br> +<br> +“She’s great,” said Thaddeus to himself, as he watched +Jane bustling about to obey the command of the temporary mistress of +the situation as she had never bustled before.<br> +<br> +“She’s a second Elizabeth,” chuckled Thaddeus, as +he listened to an order passed down the dumb-waiter shaft from the stout +empress of the moment to the trembling queen of the kitchen.<br> +<br> +“She’s a little dictatorial,” whispered Thaddeus to +his newspaper, when the monarch of all she surveyed gave him <i>his +</i>orders. “But there are times, even in a Republic like +this, when a dictator is an advantage. I hate to see a woman cry, +but the way Jane wept at the routing Mrs. Brown gave her this morning +was a finer sight than Niagara.”<br> +<br> +But, alas! this happy state of affairs could not last forever. +Thaddeus was just beginning to get on easy terms with Mrs. Brown when +she was summoned elsewhere.<br> +<br> +“Change of heir is necessary for one in her profession,” +sighed Thaddeus; and then, when he thought of resuming the reins himself, +he sighed again, and wished that Mrs. Brown might have remained a fixture +in the household forever. “Still,” he added, more +to comfort himself than because he had any decided convictions to express +- “still, a baby in the house will make a difference, and Ellen +and Jane will behave better now that Bessie’s added responsibilities +put them more upon their honor.”<br> +<br> +For a time Thaddeus’s prophecy was correct. Ellen and Jane +did do better for nearly two months, and then - but why repeat the old +story? Then they lapsed, that is all, and became more tyrannical +than ever. Bessie was so busy with little Ted that the household +affairs outside of the nursery came under their exclusive control. +Thaddeus stood it - I was going to say nobly, but I think it were better +put ignobly - but he had a good excuse for so doing.<br> +<br> +“A baby is an awful care to its mother,” he said; “a +responsibility that takes up her whole time and attention. I don’t +think I’d better complicate matters by getting into a row with +the servants.”<br> +<br> +And so it went. A year and another year passed. The pretty +home was beginning to look old. The bloom of its youth had most +improperly faded - for surely a home should never fade - but there was +the boy, a growing delight to his father, so why complain? Better +this easy-going life than one of domestic contention.<br> +<br> +Then on a sudden the boy fell ill. The doctor came - shook his +head gravely.<br> +<br> +“You must take him to the sea-shore,” he said. “It +is his only chance.”<br> +<br> +And to the sea-shore they went, leaving the house in charge of the treasures.<br> +<br> +“I have confidence in you,” said Thaddeus to Jane and Ellen +on the morning of the departure, “so I have decided to leave the +house open in your care. Mrs. Perkins wants you to keep it as +you would if she were here. Whatever you need to make yourselves +comfortable, you may get. Good-bye.”<br> +<br> +“What a comfort it is,” said Bessie, when they had reached +the sea-shore, and were indulging in their first bit of that woful luxury, +homesickness - “what a comfort it is to feel that the girls are +there to look after things! An empty house is such a temptation +to thieves.”<br> +<br> +“Yes,” said Thaddeus. “I hope they won’t +entertain too much, though.”<br> +<br> +“Ellen and Jane are too old for that sort of thing,” Bessie +answered.<br> +<br> +“How about Norah?”<br> +<br> +“Oh, I forgot to tell you. There was nothing really for +Norah to do, so I told her she could go off and stay with her mother +on board-wages.”<br> +<br> +“Good!” said Thaddeus, with a pleased smile. “It +isn’t a bad idea to save, particularly when you are staying at +the sea-shore.”<br> +<br> +In this contented frame of mind they lived for several weeks. +The boy grew stronger every day, and finally Thaddeus felt that the +child was well enough to warrant his running back home for a night, +“just to see how things were going.” That the girls +were faithful, of course, he did not doubt; the regularity with which +letters addressed to him at home - and they were numerous - reached +him convinced him of that; but the hamper containing the week’s +wash, which Ellen and Jane were to send, and which had been expected +on Thursday of the preceding week, had failed for once to arrive; the +boy had worn one dress four days, Thaddeus’s collars were getting +low, and altogether he was just a little uneasy about things. +So he availed himself of his opportunity and went home, taking with +him a friend, in consideration of whom he telegraphed ahead to Ellen +to prepare a good breakfast, not caring for dinner, since he and his +companion expected to dine at the club and go to the theatre before +going out to his home.<br> +<br> +The result would have been fatal to Bessie’s peace of mind had +she heard of it during her absence from home. But Thaddeus never +told her, until it was a matter of ancient history, that when he arrived +at home, a little after midnight, he found the place deserted, and was +compelled to usher his friend in through the parlor window; that from +top to bottom the mansion gave evidence of not having seen a broom or +a dust-brush since the departure of the family; that Jane had not been +seen in the neighborhood for one full week - this came from those living +on adjoining property; that Ellen had been absent since early that morning, +and was not expected to return for three days; and, crowning act of +infamy, that he, Thaddeus, and his friend were compelled to breakfast +next morning upon a half of a custard pie, a bit mouldy, found by the +lord of the manor on the fast-melting remains of a cake of ice in the +refrigerator. Whether it would have happened if Thaddeus had not +been accompanied by a friend, whose laughter incited him to great deeds, +or not I am not prepared to say, but something important did happen. +Thaddeus rose to the occasion, and committed an act, and committed it +thoroughly. The Thaddeus of old, the meek, long-suffering, too +amiable Thaddeus, disappeared. The famous smile was given no chance +to play. His wife was absent, and the smile was far away with +her. Thaddeus, with one fell blow, burst his fetters and became +free.<br> +<br> +That afternoon, when he had returned to the seaboard, Bessie asked him, +“How was the house?”<br> +<br> +“Beautiful,” said Thaddeus, quite truthfully; for it was.<br> +<br> +“Did Ellen say anything about the hamper?”<br> +<br> +“Not a word.”<br> +<br> +“Did you speak to her about it?”<br> +<br> +“Nope.”<br> +<br> +“Oh, Teddy! How could you forget it?”<br> +<br> +To the lasting honor of Thaddeus be it said that he bore up under this +unflinchingly.<br> +<br> +“Did you have a good breakfast, Ted?” Bessie asked, returning +to the subject later.<br> +<br> +“Very,” said Thaddeus, thinking of the hearty meal he and +his fellow-sufferer had eaten at the club after getting back to town. +“We had a tomato omelet, coffee, toast, rice cakes, tenderloin +steak, and grits.”<br> +<br> +“Dear me!” smiled Bessie; she was so glad her Teddy had +been so well treated. “All that? Ellen must have laid +herself out.”<br> +<br> +“Yes,” said Thaddeus; “I think she did.”<br> +<br> +<br> +All the following week Thaddeus seemed to have a load on his mind - +a load which he resolutely refused to share with his wife - and on Friday +he found it necessary to go up to town.<br> +<br> +“I thought this was your vacation,” remonstrated Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Well, so it is,” said Thaddeus. “But - but +I’ve got one or two matters to attend to - matters of very great +importance - so that I think I’ll have to go.”<br> +<br> +“If you must, you must,” said Bessie. “But I +think it’s horrid of your partner to make you go back to town +this hot weather.”<br> +<br> +“Don’t be cross with my partner,” said Thaddeus; “especially +my partner in this matter.”<br> +<br> +“Have you different partners for different matters?”<i> +</i>queried Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Never mind about that, my dear; you’ll know all about it +in time, so don’t worry.”<br> +<br> +“All right, Teddy. But I don’t like to have you running +away from me when I’m at a hotel. I’d rather be home, +anyhow. Can’t I go with you? Little Ted is well enough +now to go home.”<br> +<br> +“Not this time; but you can go up next Wednesday if you wish,” +returned Thaddeus, with a slight show of embarrassment.<br> +<br> +And so it was settled, and Thaddeus went to town. On Wednesday +they all left the sea-shore to return to Phillipseburg.<br> +<br> +“Oh, how lovely it looks!” ejaculated Bessie, as she entered +the house, Norah having opened the door. “But - er - where’s +Jane, Norah?”<br> +<br> +“Cookin’ the dinner, mim.”<br> +<br> +“Why, Jane can’t cook.”<br> +<br> +“If you please, mim, this is a new Jane.”<br> +<br> +Bessie’s parasol fell to the floor. “A wha-a-at?” +she cried.<br> +<br> +“A new Jane. Misther Perkins has dispinsed with old Jane +and Ellen, mim.”<br> +<br> +Bessie rushed up-stairs to her room and cried. The shock was too +sudden. She longed for Thaddeus, who had remained at the station +collecting the bath-tubs and other luxuries of the baby from the luggage-van, +to come. What did it all mean? Jane and Ellen gone! +New girls in their places!<br> +<br> +And then Thaddeus came, and made all plain to the little woman, and +when he was all through she was satisfied. He had discharged the +tyrants, and had supplied their places. The latter was the important +business which had taken him to town.<br> +<br> +“But, Teddy,” Bessie said, with a smile, when she had heard +all, “how did poor mild little you ever have the courage to face +those two women and give them their discharge?”<br> +<br> +Teddy blushed. “I didn’t,” he answered, meekly; +“I wrote it.”<br> +<br> +Five years have passed since then, and all has gone well. Thaddeus +has remained free, and, as he proudly observes, domestics now tremble +at his approach - that is, all except Norah, who remembers him as of +old. Ellen and Jane are living together in affluence, having saved +their wages for nearly the whole of their term of “service.” +Bessie is happy in the possession of two fine boys, to whom all her +attention - all save a little reserved for Thaddeus - is given; and, +as for the dubious, auburn-haired, and distinctly Celtic Norah, Thaddeus +is afraid that she is developing into a “treasure.”<br> +<br> +“Why do you think so?” Bessie asked him, when he first expressed +that fear.<br> +<br> +“Oh, she has the symptoms,” returned Thaddeus. “She +has taken three nights off this week.”<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +MR. BRADLEY’S JEWEL<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +Thaddeus was tired, and, therefore, Thaddeus was grumpy. One premise +only was necessary for the conclusion - in fact, it was the only premise +upon which a conclusion involving Thaddeus’s grumpiness could +find a foothold. If Thaddeus felt rested, everything in the world +could go wrong and he would smile as sweetly as ever; but with the slightest +trace of weariness in his system the smile would fade, wrinkles would +gather on his forehead, and grumpiness set in whether things were right +or wrong. On this special occasion to which I refer, things were +just wrong enough to give him a decent excuse - outside of his weariness +- for his irritation. Norah, the housemaid, had officiously undertaken +to cover up the shortcomings of John, who should have blacked Thaddeus’s +boots, and who had taken his day off without preparing the extra pair +which the lord of the manor had expected to wear that evening. +It was nice of the housemaid, of course, to try to black the extra pair +to keep John out of trouble, but she might have been more discriminating. +It was not necessary for her to polish, until they shone like Claude +Lorraine glasses, two right boots, one of which, paradoxical as it may +seem, was consequently the wrong boot; so that when Thaddeus came to +dress for the evening’s diversion there was nowhere to be found +in his shoe-box a bit of leathern gear in which his left foot might +appear in polite society to advantage. Possibly Thaddeus might +have endured the pain of a right boot on a left foot, had not Norah +unfortunately chosen for that member a box-toed boot, while for the +right she had selected one with a very decided acute angle at its toe-end.<br> +<br> +“Just like a woman!” ejaculated Thaddeus, angrily.<br> +<br> +“Yes,”<i> </i>returned Bessie, missing Thaddeus’s +point slightly. “It was very thoughtful of Norah to look +after John’s work, knowing how important it was to you.”<br> +<br> +Fortunately Thaddeus was out of breath trying to shine up the other +pointed-toe shoe, so that his only reply to this was a look, which Bessie, +absorbed as she was in putting the studs in Thaddeus’s shirt, +did not see. If she had seen it, I doubt if she would have been +so entirely happy as the tender little song she was humming softly to +herself seemed to indicate that she was.<br> +<br> +“Some people are born lucky!” growled Thaddeus, as he finished +rubbing up the left boot, giving it a satin finish which hardly matched +the luminous brilliance of its mate, though he said it would do. +“There’s Bradley, now; he never has any domestic woes of +this sort, and he pays just half what we do for his servants.”<br> +<br> +“Oh, Mr. Bradley. I don’t like him!” ejaculated +Bessie. “You are always talking about Mr. Bradley, as if +he had an automaton for a servant.”<br> +<br> +“No, I don’t say he has an automaton,” returned Thaddeus. +“Automatons don’t often work, and Bradley’s jewel +does. Her name is Mary, but Bradley always calls her his jewel.”<br> +<br> +“I’ve heard of jewels,” said Bessie, thinking of the +two Thaddeus and she had begun their married life with, “but they’ve +always seemed to me to be paste emeralds - awfully green, and not worth +much.”<br> +<br> +“There’s no paste emerald about Bradley’s girl,” +said Thaddeus. “Why, he says that woman has been in Mrs. +Bradley’s employ for seven weeks now, and she hasn’t broken +a bit of china; never sweeps dust under the beds or bureaus; keeps the +silver polished so that it looks as if it were solid; gets up at six +every morning; cooks well; is civil, sober, industrious; has no hangers-on +- ”<br> +<br> +“Is Mr. Bradley a realist or a romancer?” asked Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Why do you ask that?” replied Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“That jewel story sounds like an <i>Arabian Nights </i>tale,” +said Bessie. “I don’t believe that it is more than +half true, and that half is exaggerated.”<br> +<br> +“Well, it <i>is </i>true,” said Thaddeus. “And, +what is more, the girl helps in the washing, plays with the children, +and on her days out she stays at home and does sewing.”<br> +<br> +Bessie laughed. “She must be a regular Koh-i-noor,” +she said. “I suppose Mr. Bradley pays her a thousand dollars +a month.”<br> +<br> +“No, he doesn’t; he pays her twelve,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“Then he is just what I said he was,” snapped Bessie - “a +mean thing. The idea - twelve dollars a month for all that! +Why, if she could prove she was all that you say she is, she could make +ten times that amount by exhibiting herself. She is a curiosity. +But if I were Mrs. Bradley I wouldn’t have her in the house. +So many virtues piled one on the other are sure to make an unsafe structure, +and I believe some poor, miserable little vice will crop out somewhere +and upset the whole thing.”<br> +<br> +“You are jealous,” said Thaddeus; and then he went out.<br> +<br> +The next day, meeting his friend Bradley on the street, Thaddeus greeted +him with a smile, and said, “Mrs. Perkins thinks you ought to +take up literature.”<br> +<br> +“Why so?” asked Bradley.<br> +<br> +“She thinks De Foe and Scott and Dumas and Stevenson would be +thrown into the depths of oblivion if you were to write up that jewel +of yours,” said Thaddeus. “She thinks your Mary is +one of the finest, most imaginative creations of modern days.”<br> +<br> +“She doubts her existence, eh?” smiled Bradley.<br> +<br> +“Well, she thinks she’s more likely to be a myth than a +Smith,” said Thaddeus. “She told me to ask you if +Mary has a twin-sister, and to say that if you hear of her having any +relatives at all - and no domestic ever lived who hadn’t - to +send her their addresses. She’d like to employ a few.”<br> +<br> +“I am sorry Mrs. Perkins is so blinded by jealousy,” said +Bradley, with a smile. “And I regret to say that Mary hasn’t +a cousin on the whole police force, or, in fact, any kind of a relative +whatsoever, unless she prevaricates.”<br> +<br> +“Too bad,” said Thaddeus. “I had a vague hope +we could stock up on jewels of her kind. Where did you get her, +anyhow - Tiffany’s?”<br> +<br> +“No. At an unintelligence office,” said Bradley. +“She was a last resort. We had to have some one, and she +was the only girl there. We took her for a week on trial without +references, and, by Jove! she turned out a wonder.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus grinned, and said: “Give her time, Bradley. By-the-way, +at what hours is she on exhibition? I’d like to see her.”<br> +<br> +“Come up to-night and test the truth of what I say,” said +Bradley. “I won’t let anybody know you are coming, +and you’ll see her just as we see her. What do you say?”<br> +<br> +The temptation was too strong for Thaddeus to resist, and so it was +that Bessie received a telegram that afternoon from her beloved, stating +that he would dine with Bradley, and return home on a late train. +The telegram concluded with the line, “<i>I</i>’<i>m going +to appraise the escaped crown-jewel.</i>”<br> +<br> +Bessie chuckled at this, and stayed up until long after the arrival +of the last train, so interested was she to hear from Thaddeus all about +the Bradley jewel, who, as she said, “seemed too good to be true”; +but she was finally forced to retire disappointed and somewhat anxious, +for Thaddeus did not return home that night.<br> +<br> +Somewhere in the neighborhood of eight o’clock the next morning +Bessie received a second telegram, which read as follows:<br> +<br> +“<i>Do not worry. I am all right. Will be home about +nine, Have breakfast.</i>”<br> +<br> +“Now I wonder what on earth can have kept him?” Bessie said. +“Something has happened, I am sure. Perhaps an accident +on the elevated, or maybe - ”<br> +<br> +She did not finish the sentence, but rushed into the library and snatched +up the morning paper, scanning its every column in the expectation, +if not hope, of finding that some horrible disaster had occurred, in +which her Thaddeus might have been involved. The paper disclosed +nothing of the sort. Only a few commonplace murders, the usual +assortment of defalcations, baseball prophecies, and political prognostications +could Bessie discover therein. Never, in fact, had the newspaper +seemed so uninteresting - not even a bargain-counter announcement was +there - and with an impatient, petulant stamp of her little foot she +threw the journal from her and returned to the dining-room. It +was then half-past eight, and, hardly able to contain herself with excitement, +Bessie sat down by the window, and almost, if not quite, counted every +swing of the pendulum that pushed the hands of the clock on to the desired +hour. She could not eat, and not until curiosity was gratified +as to what it was that had detained Thaddeus, and what, more singular +still, was bringing him home instead of sending him to business at nine +o’clock in the morning, could she, in fact, do anything.<br> +<br> +Finally, the grinding sounds of carriage wheels on the gravel road without +were heard, and in an instant Bessie was at the door to welcome the +prodigal. And what a Thaddeus it was that came home that morning! +His eyes showed conclusively that he had had no sleep, save the more +or less unsatisfactory napping which suburban residents get on the trains. +His beautiful pearl-gray scarf, that so became him when he left home +the previous morning, was not anywhere in sight. His cheek was +scratched, and every button that his vest had ever known had taken wings +unto itself and flown, Bessie knew not whither. And yet, tired +out as he was, dishevelled as he was, Thaddeus was not grumpy, but inclined +rather to explosive laughter as he entered the house.<br> +<br> +“Why, Thaddeus!” cried Bessie, in alarm. “What +on earth is the matter with you? You look as if you had been in +a riot.”<br> +<br> +“That’s a pretty good guess, my dear,” returned Thaddeus, +with a laugh, “but not quite the right one.”<br> +<br> +“But tell me, what have you been doing? Where have you been?”<br> +<br> +“At Bradley’s, my love.”<br> +<br> +“You haven’t been - been quarrelling with Mr. Bradley?”<br> +<br> +“No. Bradley’s jewel has proved your husband’s +Waterloo, as well as the Sedan of Bradley himself,” returned Thaddeus, +throwing his head back and bursting out into a loud guffaw.<br> +<br> +“I am not good at riddles, Thaddeus,” said Bessie, “and +I haven’t laughed much myself since that last train came in last +night and didn’t bring you. I think you might tell me - +”<br> +<br> +“Why, my dear little girl,” said Thaddeus, walking to her +side and kissing her, “I didn’t mean to keep you in suspense, +and of course I’ll tell you.”<br> +<br> +Then, as they ate their breakfast, Thaddeus explained. “I +told Bradley that you were a sceptic on the subject of his jewel,” +he said, “and he offered to prove that she was eighteen carats +fine by taking me home with him, an unexpected guest, by which act he +would test her value to my satisfaction. Of course, having cast +doubts upon her excellence, I had to accept, and at half-past five he +and I boarded an elevated train for Harlem. At six we stood before +Bradley’s front door, and as he had left his keys at the office, +he rang the bell and waited. It was a long wait, considering the +presence of a jewel within doors. It must have lasted fifteen +minutes, and even that would have been but the beginning, in spite of +repeated and continuous pulling of the bell-handle, had we not determined +to enter through the reception-room window.”<br> +<br> +“Did you try the basement door?” queried Bessie, with a +smile, for it pleased her to hear that the jewel was not quite flawless.<br> +<br> +“Yes,” said Thaddeus. “We rang four times at +the basement, and I should say seven times at the front door, and then +we took to the window. Bradley’s is one of those narrow +English-basement houses with a small yard in front, so that the reception-room +window is easy to reach by climbing over the vault leading to the basement +door, which is more or less of a cellar entrance. Fortunately +the window was unlocked. I say fortunately, because it enabled +us to get into the house, though if I were sitting on a jury I think +I should base an indictment - one of criminal negligence - of the Jewel +on the fact that it was unlocked. It was just the hour, you know, +when policemen yawn and sneak-thieves prowl.”<br> +<br> +“How careless!” vouchsafed Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Very,” said Thaddeus. “But this time it worked +for the good of all concerned, although my personal appearance doesn’t +give any indication that I gained anything by it. In fact, it +would have been better for me if the house had been hermetically sealed.”<br> +<br> +“Don’t dally so much, Thaddeus,” put in Bessie. +“I’m anxious to hear what happened.”<br> +<br> +“Well, of course Bradley was very much concerned,” continued +Thaddeus. “It was bad enough not to be able to attract the +maid’s attention by ringing, but when he noticed that the house +was as dark as pitch, and that despite the clanging of the bell, which +could be heard all over the neighborhood, even his wife didn’t +come to the door, he was worried; and he was more worried than ever +when he got inside. We lit the gas in the hall, and walked back +into the dining-room, where we also lighted up, and such confusion as +was there you never saw! The table-cloth was in a heap on the +floor; Bradley’s candelabra, of which he was always so proud, +were bent and twisted out of shape under the table; glasses broken beyond +redemption were strewn round about; and a mixture of pepper, salt, and +sugar was over everything.”<br> +<br> +“‘I believe there have been thieves here,’ said Bradley, +his face turning white. And then he went to the foot of the stairs +and called up to his wife, but there no answer.<br> +<br> +“Then he started on a dead run up the stair. Above all was +in confusion, as in the dining-room. Vases were broken, pictures +hung awry on the walls; but nowhere was Mrs. Bradley or one of the Bradley +children to be seen.<br> +<br> +“Then we began a systematic search of the house. Everywhere +everything was upside-down, and finally we came to a door on the third +story back, leading into the children’s play-room, and as we turned +the knob and tried to open it we heard Mrs. Bradley’s voice from +within.<br> +<br> +“‘Who’s there?’ she said, her voice all of a +tremble.<br> +<br> +“‘It is I!’ returned Bradley. ‘Open the +door. What is the meaning of all this?’<br> +<br> +“‘Oh, I’m so glad you have come!’ returned Mrs. +Bradley, with a sob, and then we heard sounds as of the moving of heavy +furniture. Mrs. Bradley, for some as yet unexplained reason, seemed +to have barricaded herself in.<br> +<br> +“Finally the door was opened, and Mrs. Bradley buried her face +on her husband’s shoulder and sobbed hysterically.<br> +<br> +“‘What on earth is the matter?’ asked Bradley, as +his children followed their mother’s lead, except that they buried +their faces in his coat-tail pockets. ‘What has happened?’<br> +<br> +“‘Mary!’ gasped Mrs. Bradley.”<br> +<br> +“The jewel?” asked Bessie.<br> +<br> +“The same,” returned Thaddeus, with a smile. “She +was the jewel, alas! now deprived of her former glorious setting.<br> +<br> +“‘What’s the matter with Mary?’<i> </i>asked +Bradley.<br> +<br> +“‘She’s been behaving outrageously. I found +her this morning,’ said Mrs. Bradley, ‘rummaging through +my escritoire, throwing things all over the floor; and when I remonstrated +she said she was looking for a sheet of paper on which to write a letter. +I told her she should have asked me for it, and she replied impertinently +that she never asked favors of anybody. I told her to leave the +room, and she declined to do it, picking up a sofa-pillow and throwing +it at me. I was so overcome I nearly fainted.’”<br> +<br> +“I should think she would have been overcome! Such impudence!” +said Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Humph!” said Thaddeus. “That isn’t a +marker to what followed. Why, according to Mrs. Bradley’s +story, that escaped Koh-i-noor called her all sorts of horrible names, +threw an empty ink-pot at a photograph of Bradley himself, that stood +on the mantel, and then, grabbing up a whisk-broom, literally swept +everything else there was on the mantel off to the floor with it. +This done, she began to overturn chairs with an ardor born of temper, +apparently; and, finally, Mrs. Bradley got so frightened that she ran +from the room, and the jewel started in pursuit. Straight to the +nursery ran the lady of the house - for there was where the children +were, playing house, no doubt, with little idea that jewels sometimes +deteriorated. Once in the nursery, Mrs. Bradley slammed the door +to, locked it, and then, still fearful, rolled before it the bureau +and the children’s cribs. After that the actions of the +jewel could only be surmised. The door was pounded and the atmosphere +of the hall was rent with violent harangues; then a hurried step was +heard as the jewel presumably sailed below-stairs; then crashings were +heard - crashings which might have indicated the smashing of windows, +of picture-glass, of mirrors, chairs, and other household appurtenances, +after which, Mrs. Bradley observed, all became still.”<br> +<br> +“Mercy! what a trial!” said Bessie. +“And was she locked up in the nursery all day?”<br> +<br> +“From twelve until we rescued her at a little after six,” +said Thaddeus. “Then Bradley and I started out to find the +jewel, if possible, and I regret to say that it was possible. +We found her asleep on the kitchen table, and Bradley hadn’t any +more sense than to try and wake her up. He succeeded too well. +For the next ten minutes she was the most wide-awake woman you ever +saw, and she kept us wide awake too. The minute she opened her +eyes and saw us standing before her, she sprang to her feet and made +a rush at Bradley, for which he was totally unprepared, the consequence +of which was that in an instant he found himself sitting in a very undignified +manner, for the head of the house, on the kitchen floor, trying to collect +his somewhat scattered faculties.<br> +<br> +“When she had persuaded Bradley to take a seat, she turned to +shower her attentions on me. I jumped to one side, but she managed +to grab hold of my vest, and hence its buttonless condition. By +this time Bradley was on his feet again, and, having had the temerity +to face his jewel the second time, he again came off second best, losing +one of the button-holes of his collar in the mêlée. +I rushed in from behind, and flirtatiously, perhaps, tried to grab hold +of her hands, coming off the field minus a necktie, but plus that picturesque +scratch you see on my nose. Stopping a moment to count up my profit +and loss, I let Bradley make the next assault, which resulted in a drawn +battle, Bradley losing his watch and his temper, the jewel losing her +breath and her balance. So it went on for probably three or four +minutes longer, though we certainly acquired several years of experience +in those short minutes, until finally we managed to conquer her. +This done, we locked her up in a closet.”<br> +<br> +“Had she been at the cooking-sherry?” asked Bessie.<br> +<br> +“We thought so at first, and Bradley sent for a policeman,” +said Thaddeus “but when he came we found the poor creature too +exhausted to be moved, and in a very short while Mrs. Bradley decided +that it was a case for a doctor and not for a police-justice. +So the doctor was summoned, and we waited, dinnerless, in the dining-room +for his verdict, and finally it came. <i>Bradley’s jewel +was insane</i>!”<br> +<br> +“Insane!” echoed Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Mad as a hatter,” replied Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“Well, I declare!” said Bessie, thoughtfully. “But, +Thaddeus, do you know I am not surprised.”<br> +<br> +“Why, my dear?” he asked.<br> +<br> +“Because, Teddy, she was too perfect to be in her right mind.”<br> +<br> +And Thaddeus, after thinking it all over, was inclined to believe that +Bessie was in the right.<br> +<br> +“Yes, Bess, she was perfect - perfect in the way she did her work, +perfect in the way she smashed things, and nowhere did she more successfully +show the thoroughness with which she did everything than when it came +to removing the buttons from my vest. Isn’t it too bad that +the only perfect servant that ever lived should turn out to be a hopeless +maniac? But I must hurry off, or I’ll miss my train.”<br> +<br> +“You are not going down to town to-day?” asked Bessie.<br> +<br> +“To-day, above all other days, am I going down,” returned +Thaddeus. “I am enough of a barbarian to be unwilling to +lose the chance of seeing Bradley, and asking him how he and his jewel +get along.”<br> +<br> +“Thaddeus!”<br> +<br> +“Why not, my dear?”<br> +<br> +“It would be too mean for anything.”<br> +<br> +“Well, perhaps you are right. I guess I won’t. +But he has rubbed it into me so much about our domestics that I hate +to lose the chance to hit back.”<br> +<br> +“Has he?” said Bessie, her face flushing indignantly, and, +it may be added, becomingly. “In that case, perhaps, you +might - ha! ha! - perhaps you might telegraph and ask him.”<br> +<br> +And Thaddeus did so. As yet he has received no reply.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +UNEXPECTED POMP AT THE PERKINS’S<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +“My dear,” said Thaddeus, one night, as he and Mrs. Perkins +entered the library after dinner, “that was a very good dinner +to-night. Don’t you think so?”<br> +<br> +“All except the salmon,” said Bessie, with a smile.<br> +<br> +“Salmon?” echoed Thaddeus. “Salmon? I +did not see any salmon.”<br> +<br> +“No,” said Bessie, “that was just the trouble. +It didn’t come up, although it was in the house before dinner, +I’m certain. I saw it arrive.”<br> +<br> +“Ellen couldn’t have known you intended it for dinner,” +said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“Yes, she knew it was for dinner,” returned Bessie, “but +she made a mistake as to whose dinner it was for. She supposed +it was bought for the kitchen-table, and when I went down-stairs to +inquire about it a few minutes ago it was fulfilling its assumed mission +nobly. There wasn’t much left but the tail and one fin.”<br> +<br> +“Well!” ejaculated Thaddeus, “I call that a pretty +cool proceeding. Did you give her a talking to?”<br> +<br> +“No,” Bessie replied, shortly; “I despise a domestic +fuss, so I pretended I’d gone down to talk about breakfast. +We’ll have breakfast an hour or two earlier to-morrow, dear.”<br> +<br> +“What’s that for?” queried Thaddeus, his eyes open +wide with astonishment. “You are not going shopping, are +you?”<br> +<br> +“No, Teddy, I’m not; but when I got downstairs and realized +that Ellen had made the natural mistake of supposing the fish was for +the down-stairs dinner, this being Friday, I had to think of something +to say, and nothing would come except that we wanted breakfast at seven +instead of at eight. It doesn’t do to have servants suspect +you of spying upon them, nor is it wise ever to appear flustered - so +mamma says - in their presence. I avoided both by making Ellen +believe I’d come down to order an early breakfast.”<br> +<br> +“You are a great Bessie,” said Thaddeus, with a laugh. +“I admire you more than ever, my dear, and to prove it I’d +get up to breakfast if you’d ordered it at 1 A.M.”<br> +<br> +“You’d be more likely to stay up to it,” said Bessie, +“and then go to bed after it.”<br> +<br> +“There’s your Napoleonic mind again,” said Thaddeus. +“I should never have thought of that way out of it. But, +Bess,” he continued, “when I was praising to-night’s +dinner I had a special object in view. I think Ellen cooks well +enough now to warrant us in giving a dinner, don’t you?”<br> +<br> +“Well, it all depends on what we have for dinner,” said +Bessie. “Ellen’s biscuits are atrocious, I think, +and you know how lumpy the oatmeal always is.”<br> +<br> +“Suppose we try giving a dinner with the oatmeal and biscuit courses +left out?” suggested Thaddeus, with a grin.<br> +<br> +Bessie’s eyes twinkled. “You make very bright after-dinner +speeches, Teddy,” she said. “I don’t see why +we can’t have a dinner with nothing but pretty china, your sparkling +conversation, and a few flowers strewn about. It would be particularly +satisfactory to me.”<br> +<br> +“They’re not all angels like you, my dear,” Thaddeus +returned. “There’s Bradley, for instance. He’d +die of starvation before we got to the second course in a dinner of +that kind, and if there is any one thing that can cast a gloom over +a dinner, it is to have one of the guests die of starvation right in +the middle of it.”<br> +<br> +“Mr. Bradley would never do so ungentlemanly a thing,” said +Bessie, laughing heartily. “He is too considerate a man +for that; he’d starve in silence and without ostentation.”<br> +<br> +“Why this sudden access of confidence in Bradley?” queried +Thaddeus. “I thought you didn’t like him?”<br> +<br> +“Neither I did, until that Sunday he spent with us,” Bessie +answered. “I’ve admired him intensely ever since. +Don’t you remember, we had lemon pie for dinner - one I made myself?”<br> +<br> +“Yes, I remember,” said Thaddeus; “but I fail to see +the connection between lemon pie and Bradley. Bradley is not sour +or crusty.”<br> +<br> +“You wouldn’t have failed to see if you’d watched +Mr. Bradley at dinner,” retorted Bessie. “He ate two +pieces of it.”<br> +<br> +“And just because a man eats two pieces of lemon pie prepared +by your own fair hands you whirl about, and, from utterly disliking +him, call him, upon the whole, one of the most admirable products of +the human race?” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“Not at all,” Bessie replied, with a broad smile; “but +I did admire the spirit and politeness of the man. On our way +home from church in the morning we were talking about the good times +children have on their little picnics, and Mr. Bradley said he never +enjoyed a picnic in his life, because every one he had ever gone to +was ruined by the baleful influence of lemon pie.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus laughed. “Then he didn’t like lemon pie?” +he asked.<br> +<br> +“No, he hated it,” said Bessie, joining in the laugh. +“He added that the original receipt for it came out of Pandora’s +box.”<br> +<br> +“Poor Bradley!” cried Thaddeus, throwing his head back in +a paroxysm of mirth. “Hated pie - declared his feelings +- and then to be confronted by it at dinner.”<br> +<br> +“He behaved nobly,” said Bessie. “Ate his first +piece like a man, and then called for a second, like a hero, when you +remarked that it was of my make.”<br> +<br> +“You ought to have told him it wasn’t necessary, Bess,” +said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“I felt that way myself at first,” Bessie explained; “but +then I thought I wouldn’t let him know I remembered what he had +said.”<br> +<br> +“I fancy that was better,” said Thaddeus. “But +about that dinner. What do you say to our inviting the Bradleys, +Mr. and Mrs. Phillips, the Robinsons, and the Twinings?”<br> +<br> +“How many does that make? Eight besides ourselves?” +asked Bessie, counting upon her fingers.<br> +<br> +“Yes - ten altogether,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“It can’t be done, dear,” said Bessie. “We +have only eight fruit plates.”<br> +<br> +“Can’t you and I go without fruit?” Thaddeus asked.<br> +<br> +“Not very well,” laughed Bessie. “It would never +do.”<br> +<br> +“They might think the fruit was poisoned if we did, eh?” +suggested Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“Besides, Mary never could serve dinner for ten; eight is her +number. Last time we had ten people, don’t you remember, +she dropped a tray full of dishes, and poured the claret into the champagne +glasses?”<br> +<br> +“Oh, yes, so she did,” said Thaddeus. “That’s +how we came to have only eight fruit plates. I remember. +I don’t think it was the number of people at the table, though. +It was Twining caused the trouble, he had just made the pleasant remark +that he wouldn’t have an Irish servant in his house, when Mary +fired the salute.”<br> +<br> +“Then that settles it,” said Bessie. “We’ll +cut the Twinings out, and ask the others. I don’t care much +for Mrs. Twining, anyhow; she’s nothing but clothes and fidgets.”<br> +<br> +“And Twining doesn’t do much but ask you what you think +of certain things, and then tell you you are all wrong when he finds +out,” said Thaddeus. “Yes, it’s just as well +to cut them off this time. We’ll make it for eight, and +have it a week from Thursday night.”<br> +<br> +“That’s Mary’s night off,” said Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Then how about having it Friday?”<br> +<br> +“That’s Maggie’s night off, and there won’t +be anybody to mind the baby.”<br> +<br> +“Humph!” said Thaddeus. “I wish there were a +baby safe-deposit company somewhere. Can’t your mother come +over and look after him?”<br> +<br> +“No,” said Bessie, “she can’t. The child +always develops something every time mother comes. Not, of course, +that I believe she gives it to him, but she looks for things, don’t +you know.”<br> +<br> +“Yes,” said Thaddeus, “I know. Then make it +Wednesday. That’s my busy day down-town, and I shan’t +be able to get home much before half-past six, but if dinner is at seven, +there will be time enough for me to dress.”<br> +<br> +“Very well,” said Bessie. “I will write the +invitations to-morrow, and, meanwhile, you and I can get up the menu.”<br> +<br> +“Oysters to begin with, of course,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“I suppose so,” said Bessie, “though, you remember, +the last time we had oysters you had to open them, because the man from +the market didn’t get here until half-past seven.”<br> +<br> +“And Ellen had never opened any except with a tack-hammer,” +said Thaddeus. “Yes, I remember. But lightning never +strikes twice in the same place. Put down the oysters. Then +we’ll have some kind of a purée - celery purée, +eh?”<br> +<br> +“That will be very good if Ellen can be induced to keep it thick.”<br> +<br> +“Perhaps we’d better tell her we want a celery consommé,” +suggested Thaddeus. “Then it will be sure to be as thick +as a dictionary.”<br> +<br> +“I guess it will be all right,” said Bessie. “What +kind of fish?”<br> +<br> +“Bradley likes salmon; Robinson likes sole; Phillips likes whitebait, +and so do I.”<br> +<br> +“We’ll have whitebait,” said Bessie, simply. +“Then a saddle of mutton?”<br> +<br> +“Yes, and an entrée of some kind, and next individual ruddy +ducks.”<br> +<br> +“No Roman punch?”<br> +<br> +“We can get along without that, I think,” said Thaddeus. +“We want to keep this dinner down to Mary’s comprehension, +and I’m afraid she wouldn’t know what to make of an ice +in the middle of the dinner. The chances are she’d want +to serve it hot.”<br> +<br> +“All right, Teddy. What next?”<br> +<br> +“I would suggest a lemon pie for Bradley,” smiled Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“What do you say to Ellen’s making one of her tipsy-cakes?” +suggested Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Just the thing,” said Thaddeus, smacking his lips with +enthusiasm. “I could eat a million of ‘em. Then +we can finish up with coffee and fruit.”<br> +<br> +So it was settled. The invitations were sent out, and Bessie devoted +her energies for the next ten days to making ready.<br> +<br> +Ellen’s culinary powers were tested at every meal. For dinner +one night she was requested to prepare the purée, which turned +out to be eminently satisfactory. Thaddeus gave her a few practical +lessons in the art of opening oysters, an art of which he had become +a master in his college days - in fact, if his own words were to be +believed, it was the sole accomplishment he had there acquired which +gave any significance whatever to his degree of B. A. - so that in case +the “fish gentleman” failed to appear in time nothing disastrous +might result. Other things on the menu were also ordered at various +times, and all went so well that when Thaddeus left home on the chosen +Wednesday morning, it was with a serene sense of good times ahead. +The invited guests had accepted, and everything was promising.<br> +<br> +As Thaddeus had said, Wednesday was his busy day, and never had it been +busier than upon this occasion. Everything moved smoothly, but +there was a great deal to move, and finally, when all was done, and +Thaddeus rose to leave his desk, it was nearly six o’clock, and +quite impossible for him to reach home before seven. “I +shall be late,” he said, as he hurried off; and he was right. +He arrived at home coincidently with his guests, rushed to his room, +and dressed. But one glimpse had he of Bessie, and that was as +they passed on the stairs, she hurrying down to receive her guests, +he hurrying up to change his clothes.<br> +<br> +“Oh, Thad!” was all she said, but to Thaddeus it was disconcerting.<br> +<br> +“What is the matter, dear?” he asked.<br> +<br> +“Nothing; I’ll tell you later. Hurry,” she gasped, +“or the dinner will be spoiled.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus hurried as he never hurried before, and in fifteen minutes +walked, immaculate as to attire, into the drawing-room, where Bessie, +her color heightened to an unusual degree, and her usually bright eyes +fairly flaming with an unwonted brilliance, was entertaining the Bradleys, +the Phillipses, and the Robinsons.<br> +<br> +“Didn’t expect me, did you?” said Thaddeus, as he +entered the room.<br> +<br> +“No,” said Bradley, dryly. “This is an unexpected +pleasure. I didn’t even know you were a friend of the family.”<br> +<br> +“Well, I am,” said Thaddeus. “One of the oldest +friends I’ve got, in fact, which is my sole excuse for keeping +you waiting. Old friends are privileged - eh, Mrs. Robinson?”<br> +<br> +“Dinner is served,” came a deep bass voice from the middle +of the doorway.<br> +<br> +Thaddeus jumped as if he had seen a ghost, and, turning to see what +could have caused the strange metamorphosis in the soprano tremolo of +Mary’s voice, was astonished to observe in the parting of the +portières not the more or less portly Mary, but a huge, burly, +English-looking man, bowing in a most effective and graceful fashion +to Mrs. Bradley, and then straightening himself up into a pose as rigid +and uncompromising as that of a marble statue.<br> +<br> +“What on earth - ” began Thaddeus, with a startled look +of inquiry at Bessie. But she only shook her head, and put her +finger to her lips, enjoining silence, which Thaddeus, fortunately, +had the good sense to understand, even if his mind was not equal to +the fathoming of that other mystery, the pompous and totally unexpected +butler.<br> +<br> +But if Thaddeus was surprised to see the butler, he was amazed at the +dinner which the butler served. Surely, he thought, if Ellen can +prepare a dinner like this, she ought to be above taking sixteen dollars +and a home a month. It was simply a regal repast. The oysters +were delicious, and the purée was superior to anything Thaddeus +had ever eaten in the line of soups in his life - only it was lobster +purée, and ten times better than Ellen’s general run of +celery purée. He winked his eye to denote his extreme satisfaction +to Bessie when he thought no one was looking, but was overwhelmed with +mortification when he observed that the wink had been seen by the overpowering +butler, who looked sternly at him, as much as to say, “’Ow +wery wulgar!”<br> +<br> +“I must congratulate your cook upon her lobster purée, +Mrs. Perkins,” said Mr. Phillips. “It is delicious.”<br> +<br> +“Yes,” put in Thaddeus. “But you ought to taste +her celery purée. She is undoubtedly great on purées.”<br> +<br> +Bessie coughed slightly and shook her head at Thaddeus, and Thaddeus +thought he detected the germ of a smile upon the cold face of the butler. +He was not sure about it, but it curdled his blood just a little, because +that ghost of a smile seemed to have just a tinge of a sneer in it.<br> +<br> +“This isn’t the same cook you had last time, is it?” +asked Bradley.<br> +<br> +“Yes,” said Thaddeus. “Same one, though it was +my wife who made that lem—”<br> +<br> +“Thaddeus,” interrupted Bessie, “Mrs. Robinson tells +me that she and Mr. Robinson are going down to New York to the theatre +on Friday night. Can’t we all go?”<br> +<br> +“Certainly,” said Thaddeus. “I’m in on +any little diversion of that sort. Why, what’s this? - er +- why, yes, of course. Phillips, you’ll go; and you, too, +eh, Bradley?”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus was evidently much upset again; for, instead of the whitebait +he and Bessie had decided upon for their fish course, the butler had +entered, bearing in a toplofty fashion a huge silver platter, upon which +lay a superb salmon, beautifully cooked and garnished. This he +was now holding before Thaddeus, and stood awaiting his nod of approval +before serving it. Inasmuch as Thaddeus not only expected whitebait, +but had also never before seen the silver platter, it is hardly surprising +that he should sit staring at the fish in a puzzled sort of way. +He recovered shortly, however, gave the nod the butler was waiting for, +and the dinner proceeded. And what a dinner it was! Each +new course in turn amazed Thaddeus far more than the course that had +preceded it; and now, when the butler, whom Thaddeus had got more or +less used to, came in bearing a bottle of wine, followed by another +stolid, well-dressed person, who might have been his twin-brother and +who was in reality no more than assistant to the other, Thaddeus began +to fear that the wine he had partaken of had brought about that duplication +of sight which is said to be one of the symptoms of over-indulgence. +Either that or he was dreaming, he thought; and the alternative was +not a pleasant one, for Thaddeus did not over-indulge, and as a person +of intellect he did not deem it the proper thing to dream at the dinner-table, +since the first requisite of dreaming is falling asleep. This +Thaddeus never did in polite society.<br> +<br> +To say that he could scarcely contain himself for curiosity to know +what had occurred to bring about this singular condition of affairs +is to put it with a mildness which justice to Thaddeus compels me to +term criminal. Yet, to his credit be it said, that through the +whole of the repast, which lasted for two hours, he kept silent, and +but for a slight nervousness of manner no one would have suspected that +he was not as he had always been. Indeed, to none of the party, +not even excepting his wife, did Thaddeus appear to be anything but +what he should be. But when, finally, the ladies had withdrawn +and the men remained over the coffee and cigars, he was compelled to +undergo a still severer test upon his loyalty to Bessie, whose signal +to him to accept all and say nothing he was so nobly obeying.<br> +<br> +Bradley began it. “I didn’t know you’d changed +from women to men servants, Perkins?”<br> +<br> +“<i>Yes,</i>”<i> </i>said Thaddeus “we’ve changed.”<br> +<br> +“Rather good change, don’t you think?”<br> +<br> +“Splendid,” said Phillips. “That fellow served +the dinner like a prince.”<br> +<br> +“I don’t believe he’s any more than a duke, though,” +said Bradley. “His manner was quite ducal - in fact, too +ducal, if Perkins will let me criticise. He made me feel like +a poor, miserable, red-blooded son of the people. I wanted an +olive, and, by Jove, I didn’t dare ask for it.”<br> +<br> +“That wasn’t his fault,” said Robinson, with a laugh. +“You forget that you live in a country where red blood is as good +as blue. Where did you get him, Thaddeus?”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus looked like a rat in a corner with a row of cats to the fore.<br> +<br> +“Oh! - we - er - we got him from - dear me! I never can +remember. Mrs. Perkins can tell you, though,” he stammered. +“She looks after the menagerie.”<br> +<br> +“What’s his name?” asked Phillips.<br> +<br> +Thaddeus’s mind was a blank. He could not for the life of +him think what name a butler would be likely to have, but in a moment +he summoned up nerve enough to speak.<br> +<br> +“Grimmins,” he said, desperately.<br> +<br> +“Sounds like a Dickens’ character,” said Robinson. +“Does he cost you very much?”<br> +<br> +“Oh no - not so very much,” said Thaddeus, whose case was +now so desperate that he resolved to put a stop to it all. Unfortunately, +his method of doing so was not by telling the truth, but by a flight +of fancy in which he felt he owed it to Bessie to indulge.<br> +<br> +“No - he doesn’t cost much,” he repeated, boldly. +“Fact is, he is a man we’ve known for a great many years. +He - er - he used to be butler in my grandfather’s house in Philadelphia, +and - er - and I was there a great deal of the time as a boy, and Grimmins +and I were great friends. When my grandfather died Grimmins disappeared, +and until last month I never heard a word of him, and then he wrote +to me stating that he was out of work and poor as a fifty-cent table-d’hôte +dinner, and would like employment at nominal wages if he could get a +home with it. We were just getting rid of our waitress, and so +I offered Grimmins thirty a month, board, lodging, and clothes. +He came on; I gave him one of my old dress-suits, set him to work, and +there you are.”<br> +<br> +“I thought you said a minute ago Mrs. Perkins got him?” +said Bradley, who is one of those disagreeable men with a memory.<br> +<br> +“I thought you were talking about the cook,” said Thaddeus, +uneasily. “Weren’t you talking about the cook?”<br> +<br> +“No; but we ought to have been,” said Phillips, with enthusiasm. +“She’s the queen of cooks. What do you pay her?”<br> +<br> +“Sixteen,” said Thaddeus, glad to get back on the solid +ground of truth once more.<br> +<br> +“What?” cried Phillips. “Sixteen, and can cook +like that? Take me down and introduce me, will you, Perkins? +I’d like to offer her seventeen to come and cook for me.”<br> +<br> +“Let’s join the ladies,” said Thaddeus, abruptly. +“There’s no use of our wasting our sweetness upon each other.”<br> +<br> +If the head of the house had expected to be relieved from his unfortunate +embarrassments by joining the ladies, he was doomed to bitter disappointment, +for the conversation abandoned at the table was resumed in the drawing-room. +The dinner had been too much of a success to be forgotten readily.<br> +<br> +Thaddeus’s troubles were set going again when he overheard Phillips +saying to Bessie, “Thaddeus has been telling us the remarkable +story of Grimmins.”<br> +<br> +Nor were his woes lightened any when he caught Bessie’s reply: +“Indeed? What story is that?”<br> +<br> +“Why, the story of the butler - Grimmins, you know. How +you came to get him, and all that,” said Phillips. “Really, +you are to be congratulated.”<br> +<br> +“I am glad to know you feel that way,” said Bessie, simply, +with a glance at Thaddeus which was full of wonderment.<br> +<br> +“He is a treasure,” said Bradley; “but your cook is +a whole chestful of treasures. And how fortunate you and Thaddeus +are! The idea of there being anywhere in the world a person of +such ability in her vocation, and so poor a notion of her worth!”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus breathed again, now that the cook was under discussion. +He knew all about her.<br> +<br> +“Yes, indeed,” said Bessie. “He did well.”<br> +<br> +“I mean the cook,” returned Bradley. “You mean +she did well, don’t you?”<br> +<br> +What Bessie would have answered, or what Thaddeus would have done next +if the conversation had been continued, can be a matter of unprofitable +speculation only, for at this point a wail from above-stairs showed +that Master Perkins had awakened, and the ladies, considerate of Bessie’s +maternal feelings, promptly rose to take their leave, and in ten minutes +she and Thaddeus were alone.<br> +<br> +“What on earth is the story of Grimmins, Thaddeus?” she +asked, as the door closed upon the departing guests.<br> +<br> +Thaddeus threw himself wearily down upon the sofa and explained. +He told her all he had said about the butler and the cook.<br> +<br> +“That’s the story of Grimmins,” he said, when he had +finished.<br> +<br> +“Oh, dear me, dear me!” cried Bessie, “you told the +men that, and I - I, Thaddeus, told the women the truth. Why, +it’s - it’s awful. You’ll never hear the end +of it.”<br> +<br> +“Well, now that they know the truth, Bess,” Thaddeus +said, “suppose you let me into the secret. What on earth +is the meaning of all this - two butlers, silver platters, dinner fit +for the gods, and all?”<br> +<br> +“It’s all because of the tipsy-cake,” said Bessie.<br> +<br> +“The what?” asked Thaddeus, sitting up and gazing at his +wife as if he questioned her sanity.<br> +<br> +“The tipsy-cake,” she repeated. “I gave Ellen +the bottle of brandy you gave me for the tipsy-cake, and - and she drank +half of it.”<br> +<br> +“And the other half?”<br> +<br> +“Mary drank that. They got word this morning that their +brother was very ill, and it upset them so I don’t believe they +knew what they were doing; but at one o’clock, when I went down +to lunch, there was no lunch ready, and when I descended into the kitchen +to find out why, I found that the fire had gone out, and both girls +were - both girls were asleep on the cellar floor. They’re +there yet - locked in; and all through dinner I was afraid they might +come to, and - make a rumpus.”<br> +<br> +“And the dinner?” said Thaddeus, a light breaking through +into his troubled mind.<br> +<br> +“I telegraphed to New York to Partinelli at once, telling him +to serve a dinner for eight here to-night, supplying service, cook, +dinner, and everything, and at four o’clock these men arrived +and took possession. It was the only thing I could do, Thad, wasn’t +it?”<br> +<br> +“It was, Bess,” said Thaddeus, gravely. “It +was great; but - by Jove, I wish I’d known, because - Did you +really tell the ladies the truth about it?”<br> +<br> +“Yes, I did,” said Bessie. “They were so full +of praises for everything that I didn’t think it was fair for +me to take all the credit of it, so I told them the whole thing.”<br> +<br> +“That was right, too,” said Thaddeus; “but those fellows +will never let me hear the end of that infernal Grimmins story. +I almost wish we - ”<br> +<br> +“You wish what, Teddy dear?”<br> +<br> +“I almost wish we had not attempted the tipsy-cake, and had stuck +to my original suggestion,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“What was that?” Bessie asked.<br> +<br> +“To have lemon pie for dessert, for Bradley’s sake,” +answered Thaddeus, as he locked the front door and turned off the gas.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +AN OBJECT-LESSON<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +It was early in the autumn. Mr. and Mrs. Perkins, with their two +hopefuls, had returned from a month of rest at the mountains, and the +question of school for Thaddeus junior came up.<br> +<br> +“He is nearly six years old,” said Bessie, “and I +think he is quite intelligent enough to go to school, don’t you?”<br> +<br> +“Well, if you want my honest opinion,” Thaddeus answered, +“I think he’s intelligent enough to go without school for +another year at least. I don’t want a hot-house boy, and +I have always been opposed to forcing these little minds that we are +called upon by circumstances to direct. It seems to me that the +thing for us to do is to hold them back, if anything. If Teddy +goes to school now, he’ll be ready for college when he is twelve. +He’ll be graduated at sixteen, and at twenty he’ll be practising +law. At twenty-five he’ll be leader of the bar; and then +- what will there be left for him to achieve at fifty? Absolutely +nothing.”<br> +<br> +Mrs. Perkins laughed. “You have great hopes for Teddy, haven’t +you?”<br> +<br> +“Certainly I have,” Thaddeus replied; “and why shouldn’t +I? Doesn’t he combine all my good qualities plus yours? +How can he be anything else than great?”<br> +<br> +“I am afraid there’s a touch of vanity in you,” said +Mrs. Perkins, with a smile. “That remark certainly indicates +it.”<br> +<br> +“No - it’s not vanity in me,” said Thaddeus. +“It’s confidence in you. You’ve assured me so +often of my perfection that I am beginning to believe in it; and as +for your perfection, I’ve always believed in it. Hence, +when I see Teddy combining your perfect qualities with my own, I regard +him as a supernaturally promising person - that is, I do until he begins +to show the influence of contact with the hired man, and uses language +which he never got from you or from me.”<br> +<br> +“Granting that he is great at twenty-five,” said Mrs. Perkins, +after a few moments’ reflection, “is that such a horrible +thing?”<br> +<br> +“It isn’t for the parents of the successful youth, but for +the successful youth himself it’s something awful,” returned +Thaddeus, with a convincing shake of the head. “If no one +ever lived beyond the age of thirty-five it wouldn’t be so bad, +but think of living to be even so young as sixty, with a big reputation +to sustain through more than half of that period! I wouldn’t +want to have to sustain a big name for twenty-five years. Success +entails conspicuousness, and conspicuousness makes error almost a crime. +Put your mind on it for a moment. Think of Teddy here. How +nervous it would make him in everything he undertook to feel that the +eyes of the world were upon him. And take into consideration that +other peculiarity of human nature which leads us all, you and me as +well as every one else, to believe that the man who does not progress +is going backward, that there is no such thing as standing still; then +think of a man illustrious enough for seventy at twenty-five - at the +limit of success, with all those years before him, and no progress possible! +No, my dear. Don’t let’s talk of school for Teddy +yet.”<br> +<br> +“I am sure I don’t want to force him,” said Mrs. Perkins, +“but it sometimes seems to me that he needs lessons in discipline. +I can’t be following around after him all the time, and it seems +to me some days that I do nothing but find fault with him. I don’t +want him to think I’m a stern mother; and when he tells me, as +he did yesterday, that he wishes I’d take a vacation for a month, +I can’t blame him.”<br> +<br> +“Did he tell you that?” asked Thaddeus, with a chuckle.<br> +<br> +“Yes, he did,” replied Mrs. Perkins. “I’d +kept him in a chair for an hour because he would tease Tommy, and when +finally I let him go I told him that he was wearing me out with his +naughtiness. About an hour later he came back and said, ‘You +have an awful hard time bringin’ me up, don’t you?’<i> +</i>I said yes, and added that he might spare me the necessity of scolding +him so often, to which he replied that he’d try, but thought it +would be better if I’d take a vacation for a month. He hadn’t +much hope for his own improvement.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus shook internally.<br> +<br> +“He’s perfectly wild, too, at times,” Mrs. Perkins +continued. “He wants to do such fearful things. I +caught him sliding down the banisters yesterday head-foremost, and you +know how he was at the Mountain House all summer long. Perfectly +irrepressible.”<br> +<br> +“That’s very true,” said Thaddeus. “I +was speaking of it to the doctor up there, and asked him what he thought +I’d better do.”<br> +<br> +“And what did he say?” asked Mrs. Perkins.<br> +<br> +“He stated his firm belief that there was nothing you or I could +do to get him down to a basis, but thought Hagenbeck might accomplish +something.”<br> +<br> +“No doubt he thought that,” cried Bessie. “No +doubt everybody thought that, but it wasn’t entirely Teddy’s +fault. If there is anything in the world that is well calculated +to demoralize an active-minded, able-bodied child, it is hotel life. +Teddy was egged on to all sorts of indiscretions by everybody in the +hotel, from the bell-boys up. If he’d stand on his head +on the cashier’s desk, the cashier would laugh first, and then, +to get rid of him, would suggest that he go into the dining-room and +play with the headwaiter; and when he upset the contents of his bait-box +in Mrs. Harkaway’s lap, she interfered when I scolded him, and +said she liked it. What can you do when people talk that way?”<br> +<br> +“Get him to upset his bait-box in her lap again,” said Thaddeus. +“I think if he had been encouraged to do that as a regular thing, +every morning for a week, she’d have changed her tune.”<br> +<br> +“Well, it all goes to prove one thing,” said Mrs. Perkins, +“and that is, Teddy needs more care than we can give him personally. +We are too lenient. Whenever you start in to punish him it ends +up with a game; when I do it, and he says something funny, as he always +does, I have to laugh.”<br> +<br> +“How about the ounce-of-prevention idea?” suggested Thaddeus. +“We’ve let him go without a nurse for a year now - why can’t +we employ a maid to look after him - not to boss him, but to keep an +eye on him - to advise him, and, in case he declines to accept the advice, +to communicate with us at once? All he needs is directed occupation. +As he is at present, he directs his own occupation, with the result +that the things he does are of an impossible sort.”<br> +<br> +“That means another servant for me to manage,” sighed Mrs. +Perkins.<br> +<br> +“True; but a servant is easier to manage than Teddy. You +can discharge a servant if she becomes impossible. We’ve +got Teddy for keeps,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“Very well - so be it,” said Mrs. Perkins. “You +are right, I guess, about school. He ought not to be forced, and +I’d be worried about him all the time he was away, anyhow.”<br> +<br> +So it was decided that Teddy should have a nurse, and for a day or two +the subject was dropped. Later on Mrs. Perkins reopened it.<br> +<br> +“I’ve been thinking all day about Teddy’s nurse, Thaddeus,” +she said, one evening after dinner. “I think it would be +nice if we got him a French nurse. Then he could learn French +without any forcing.”<br> +<br> +“Good scheme,” said Thaddeus. “I approve of +that. We might learn a little French from her ourselves, too.”<br> +<br> +“That’s what I thought,” said Bessie and that point +was decided. The new nurse was to be French, and the happy parents +drew beatific visions of the ease with which they should some day cope +with Parisian hotel-keepers and others in that longed-for period when +they should find themselves able, financially, to visit the French capital.<br> +<br> +But -<br> +<br> +Ah! Those buts that come into our lives! Conjunctions they +are called! Are they not rather terminals? Are they not +the forerunners of chaos in the best-laid plans of mankind? If +for every “but” that destroys our plan of action there were +ready always some better-succeeding plan, then might their conjunctive +force seem more potent; as life goes, however, unhappily, they are not +always so provided, and the English “but” takes on its Gallic +significance, which leads the Frenchman to define it as meaning “the +end.”<br> +<br> +There was an object-lesson in store for the Perkinses.<br> +<br> +On the Sunday following the discussion with which this story opens, +the Perkinses, always hospitable, though distinctly unsociable so far +as the returning of visits went, received a visit from their friends +the Bradleys. Ordinarily a visit from one’s town friends +is no very great undertaking for a suburban host or hostess, but when +the town friends have children from whom they are inseparable, and those +children have nurses who, whithersoever the children go, go there also, +such a visit takes on proportions the stupendousness of which I, being +myself a suburban entertainer, would prefer not to discuss, fearing +lest some of my friends with families, recalling these words, might +consider my remarks of a personal nature. Let me be content with +saying, therefore, that when the Bradleys, Mr. and Mrs., plus Master +and Miss, plus Harriet, the English nurse, came to visit the Perkins +homestead that Sunday, it was a momentous occasion for the host and +hostess, and, furthermore, like many another momentous occasion, was +far-reaching in its results.<br> +<br> +In short, it provided the Perkins family with that object-lesson to +which I have already alluded.<br> +<br> +The Bradleys arrived on Sunday night, and as they came late little Harry +Bradley and the still smaller Jennie Bradley were tired, and hence not +at all responsive to the welcomes of the Perkinses, large or small. +They were excessively reticent. When Mrs. Perkins, kneeling before +Master Harry, asked him the wholly unnecessary question, “Why, +is this Harry?” he refused wholly to reply; nor could the diminutive +Jennie be induced to say anything but “Yumps” in response +to a similar question put to her, “Yumps” being, it is to +be presumed, a juvenilism for “Yes, ma’am.” +Hence it was that the object-lesson did not begin to develop until breakfast +on Sunday morning. The first step in the lesson was taken at that +important meal, when Master Harry observed, in stentorian yet sweetly +soprano tones:<br> +<br> +“Hi wants a glarse o’ milk.”<br> +<br> +To which his nurse, standing behind his chair to relieve the Perkinses’ +maid of the necessity of looking after the Bradley hopefuls, replied:<br> +<br> +“’Ush, ‘Arry, ‘ush! Wite till yer arsked.”<br> +<br> +Mrs. Bradley nodded approval to Harriet, and observed quietly to Mrs. +Perkins that Harriet was such a treasure; she kept the children so well +in subjection.<br> +<br> +The incident passed without making any impression upon the minds of +any but Thaddeus junior, who, taking his cue from Harry, vociferously +asserted that he, too, wished a glass of milk, and in such terms as +made the assertion tantamount to an ultimatum.<br> +<br> +Then Miss Jennie seemed to think it was her turn.<br> +<br> +“Hi doan’t care fer stike. Hi wants chickin,” +said she. “I’n’t there goin’ ter be no +kikes?”<br> +<br> +Mrs. Perkins laughed, though I strongly suspect that Thaddeus junior +would have been sent from the table had he ventured to express a similar +sentiment. Mrs. Bradley blushed; Bradley looked severe; Perkins +had that expression which all parents have when other people’s +children are involved, and which implies the thought, “If you +were mine there’d be trouble; but since you are not mine, how +cunning you are!” But Harriet, the nurse, met the problem. +She said:<br> +<br> +“Popper’s goin’ ter have stike, Jinnie; m’yby +Mr. Perkins’ll give yer lots o’ gryvy. Hit i’n’t +time fer the kikes.”<br> +<br> +Perhaps I ought to say to those who have not studied dialect as “she +is spoke” that the word m’yby is the Seven Dials idiom for +maybe, itself more or less an Americanism, signifying “perhaps,” +while “kikes” is a controvertible term for cakes.<br> +<br> +After breakfast, as a matter of course, the senior members of both families +attended divine service, then came dinner, and after dinner the usual +matching of the children began. The hopefuls of Perkins were matched +against the scions of Bradley. All four were brought downstairs +and into the parental presence in the library.<br> +<br> +“Your Harry is a fine fellow, Mrs. Bradley,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“Yes, we think Harry is a very nice boy,” returned Mrs. +Bradley, with a fond glance at the youth.<br> +<br> +“Wot djer si about me, mar?” asked Harry.<br> +<br> +“Nothing, dear,” replied Mrs. Bradley, raising her eyebrows +reprovingly.<br> +<br> +“Yes, yer did, too,” retorted Harry. “Yer said +as ‘ow hi were a good boy.”<br> +<br> +“Well, ‘e i’n’t, then,” interjected Jennie. +“‘E’s a bloomin’ mean un. ‘E took +a knoife an’ cut open me doll.”<br> +<br> +“’Ush, Jinnie, ’ush!” put in the nurse. +“Don’t yer tell tiles on ’Arry. ‘E didn’t +mean ter ’urt yer doll. ’Twas a haxident.”<br> +<br> +“No, ’twasn’t a haxident,” said Jennie. +“’E done it a-purpice.”<br> +<br> +“Well, wot if hi did?” retorted Harry. “Didn’t +yer pull the tile off me rockin’-’orse?”<br> +<br> +“Well, never mind,” said Bradley, seeing how strained things +were getting. “Don’t quarrel about it now. It’s +all done and gone, and I dare say you were both a little to blame.”<br> +<br> +“’Hi war’n’t!” said Harry, and then the +subject was dropped. The children romped in and out through the +library and halls for some time, and the Bradleys and Perkinses compared +notes on various points of interest to both. After a while they +again reverted to the subject of their children.<br> +<br> +“Does Harry go to school?” asked Bessie.<br> +<br> +“No, we think he’s too young yet,” returned Mrs. Bradley. +“He learns a little of something every day from Harriet, who is +really a very superior girl. She is a good servant. She +hasn’t been in this country very long, and is English to the core, +as you’ve probably noticed, not only in her way of comporting +herself, but in her accent.”<br> +<br> +“Yes, I’ve observed it,” said Bessie. “What +does she teach him?”<br> +<br> +“Oh, she tells him stories that are more or less instructive, +and she reads to him. She’s taught him one or two pretty +little songs - ballads, you know - too. Harry has a sweet little +voice. Harry, dear, won’t you sing that song about Mrs. +Henry Hawkins for mamma?”<br> +<br> +“Don’t warn’ter,” said Harry. “Hi’m +sick o’ that bloomin’ old song.”<br> +<br> +“Seems to me I’ve heard it,” said Thaddeus. +“As I remember it, Harry, it was very pretty.”<br> +<br> +“It is,” said Bradley. “It’s the one you +mean - ‘Oh, ’Lizer! dear ’Lizer! Mrs. ’Ennery +’Awkins.’ Harry sings it well, too; but I say, Thad, +you ought to hear the nurse sing it. It’s great.”<br> +<br> +“I should think it might be.”<br> +<br> +“She has the accent down fine, you know.”<br> +<br> +“Sort of born to it, eh?”<br> +<br> +“Yes; you can’t cultivate that accent and get it just right.”<br> +<br> +“I’ll do ‘Dear Old Dutch’ for yer,” suggested +Harry. “Hi likes thet better ‘n ‘Mrs. ‘Awkins.’”<br> +<br> +So Harry deserted “Mrs. ’Awkins” and sang that other +pathetic coster-ballad, “Dear Old Dutch,” and, to the credit +of Harriet, the nurse, it must be said that he was marvellously well +instructed. It could not have been done better had the small vocalist +been the own son of a London coster-monger instead of the scion of an +American family of refinement.<br> +<br> +Thus the day passed. Jennie proved herself quite as proficient +in the dialect of Seven Dials as was Harry, or even Harriet, and when +she consented to stand on a chair and recite a few nursery rhymes, there +was not an unnoticed “h” that she did not, sooner or later, +pick up and attach to some other word to which it was not related, as +she went along.<br> +<br> +In short, as far as their speech was concerned, thanks to association +with Harriet, Jennie and Harry were as perfect little cockneys as ever +ignored an aspirate.<br> +<br> +The visit of the Bradleys, like all other things, came to an end, and +Bessie, Thaddeus, and the children were once more left to themselves. +Teddy junior, it was observed, after his day with Harry, developed a +slight tendency to misplace the letter “h” in his conversation, +but it was soon corrected, and things ran smoothly as of yore. +Only - the Only being the natural sequence of the But referred to some +time since - Mr. and Mrs. Perkins changed their minds about the French +nurse, and it came about in this way:<br> +<br> +“Thaddeus,” said Bessie, after the Bradleys had departed, +“what is the tile of a rockin’-’orse?”<br> +<br> +“I don’t know. Why?” asked Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“Why, don’t you remember,” she said, “young +Harry Bradley accused Jennie of pulling out the tile of his rockin’-’orse?”<br> +<br> +“Oh yes! Ha, ha!” laughed Thaddeus. “So +she did. I know now. Tile is cockney for tail.”<br> +<br> +“Did you notice the accent those children had?”<br> +<br> +“Yes.”<br> +<br> +“All got from the nurse, too?”<br> +<br> +“True.”<br> +<br> +“Ah, Teddy, what do you think of our getting a French maid, after +all? Don’t you think that we’d run a great risk?”<br> +<br> +“Of what?”<br> +<br> +“Of having Ted speak - er - cockney French.”<br> +<br> +“H’m - yes. Very likely,” said Thaddeus. +“I’d thought of that myself, and, I guess, perhaps we’d +better stick to Irish.”<br> +<br> +“So do I. We can correct any tendency to a brogue, don’t +you think?”<br> +<br> +“Certainly,” said Thaddeus. “Or, if we couldn’t, +it wouldn’t be fatal to the boy’s prospects. It might +even help him if he - ”<br> +<br> +“Help him? If what?”<br> +<br> +“If he ever went into polities,” said Perkins.<br> +<br> +And that was the object-lesson which a kindly fate gave to the Perkinses +in time to prevent their engaging a French maid for the children.<br> +<br> +As to its value as a lesson, as to the value of its results, those who +are familiar with French as spoken by nurse-instructed youths can best +judge.<br> +<br> +I am not unduly familiar with that or any other kind of French, but +I have ideas in the matter.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +THE CHRISTMAS GIFTS OF THADDEUS<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +That you may thoroughly comprehend how it happened that on last Christmas +Day Thaddeus meted out gifts of value so unprecedented to the domestics +of what he has come to call his “menagerie” - the term menage +having seemed to him totally inadequate to express the state of affairs +in his household - I must go back to the beginning of last autumn, and +narrate a few of the incidents that took place between that period and +the season of Peace on Earth and Good-will to Men. Should I not +do so there would be many, I doubt not, who would deem Thaddeus’s +course unjustifiable, especially when we are all agreed that Christmas +Day should be for all sorts and conditions of men the gladdest, happiest +day of all the year.<br> +<br> +Thaddeus and Bessie and the little Thad had returned to their attractive +home after an absence of two months in a section of the Adirondacks +whither the march of civilization had not carried such comforts as gas, +good beds, and other luxuries, to which the little family had become +so accustomed that real camp-life, with its beds of balsam, lights of +tallow, and “fried coffee,” possessed no charms for them. +They were all renewed in spirit and quite ready to embark once more +upon the troubled seas of house-keeping; and, as they saw it on that +first night at home, their crew was a most excellent one. The +cook rose almost to the exalted level of a chef in the estimation of +Thaddeus as course upon course, to the number of seven, each made up +of some delicacy of the season, came to the table and received the indorsement +which comes from total consumption. They were well served, too, +these courses; and the two heads of the family, when Mary, the waitress, +would enter the butler’s pantry, leaving them alone and unobserved, +nodded their satisfaction to each other across the snow-white cloth, +and by means of certain well-established signals, such as shaking their +own hands and winking the left eye simultaneously, with an almost vicious +jerk of the head, silently congratulated themselves upon the prospects +of a peaceful future in a domestic sense.<br> +<br> +“That was just the best dinner I have had in centuries,” +said Thaddeus, as they adjourned to the library after the meal was over. +“The broiled chicken was so good, Bess, that for a moment I wished +I were a bachelor again, so that I could have it all; and after I got +over my first feeling of hesitation over the oysters, and realized that +it was September with an R - belated, it is true, but still there - +and ate six of them, I think I could have gone downstairs and given +cook a diamond ring with seven solitaires in it and a receipted bill +for a seal-skin sacque. I don’t see how we ever could have +thought of discharging her last June, do you?”<br> +<br> +“It was a good dinner,” said Bessie, discreetly ignoring +the allusion to their intentions in June; for she had a well-defined +recollection that at that time Bridget had given signs of emotional +insanity every time she was asked to prepare a five-o’clock breakfast +for Thaddeus and his friends, to the number of six, who had acquired +the habit of going off on little shooting trips every Saturday, making +the home of Thaddeus their headquarters over Sunday, when the game the +huntsmen had bagged the day before had to be plucked, cleaned, and cooked +by her own hands for dinner. “And it was nicely selected, +too,” she added. “I sometimes think that I’ll +let Bridget do the ordering at the market.”<br> +<br> +“H’m! Well,” said Thaddeus, shaking his head +dubiously, “I haven’t a doubt that Bridget could do it, +and would be very glad to do it; but I don’t believe in setting +a cook up in business.”<br> +<br> +“How do you mean?”<br> +<br> +“I mean that I haven’t any doubt that Bridget would in a +very short time become a highly successful produce-broker with bull +tendencies. The chicken market would be buoyant, and the quotations +on the Stock Exchange of, say, B., S., and P.-U.-C. - otherwise, Beef, +Succotash, and Picked-Up-Codfish - would rise to the highest point in +years. Why, my dear, by Christmas-time cook would have our surplus +in her own pocket-book; and in the place of the customary five oranges +and an apple she would receive from the butcher a Christmas-card in +the shape of a check of massive, if not graceful, proportions. +No, Bess, I think the old way is the best.”<br> +<br> +“Perhaps it is. By-the-way, John has kept the grounds looking +well, hasn’t he? The lawn doesn’t seem to have a weed +on it,” said Bessie, walking to the window and gazing out at the +soft velvety sward in the glow of twilight.<br> +<br> +“Yes, it looks pretty well; but there’s a small heap of +stuff over there near the fence which rather inclines me to believe +that the weeds have been pulled out within the last few days - in fact, +since you wrote to announce our return. John is an energetic man +in an emergency, and I haven’t a doubt he has been here at least +once a week ever since we left. I’ll keep a record of John +this fall.”<br> +<br> +And so the two contented home-comers talked happily along, and when +they closed their eyes in sleep that night they were, upon the whole, +very well satisfied with life.<br> +<br> +Weeks elapsed, and with them some of the air-castles collapsed. +Whether custom staled the infinite variety of the cook’s virtues, +and age withered the efficiency of Mary, the waitress, or whether something +was really and radically wrong with the girls, Thaddeus and Bessie could +not make out. Certain it was, however, that by slow degrees the +satisfaction for which that first dinner seemed to stand as guarantor +wore away, and dissatisfaction entered the household. Mary developed +a fondness for church at most inconvenient hours - hours at which in +fact, neither Thaddeus nor Bessie had ever supposed church could be. +That it was eternal they both knew, but they had always supposed there +were intermissions. Then the cook’s family, which had hitherto +been moderately healthful, began to show signs of invalidism, though +no such calamity as actual dissolution ever set its devastating step +within the charmed circle of her relatives. Cousins fell ill whom +she alone could comfort; nephews developed maladies for which she alone +could care; and, according to Thaddeus’s record, John had been +compelled on penalty of a fine to attend the funerals of some twenty-four +deceased intimate friends in less than two months, although the newspapers +contained no mention of the existence of a possible epidemic in the +Celtic quarter. It is true that John showed a more pronounced +desire to make his absence less inconvenient to his employer than did +Mary and the cook, by providing a substitute when the Ancient Order +of Funereal Hibernians compelled him to desert the post of duty; but +Thaddeus declared the “remedy worse than the disease,” for +the reason that John’s substitute - his own brother-in-law - was +a weaver by trade, whose baskets the public did not appreciate, and +whose manner of cutting grass in the early fall and of tending furnace +later on was atrocious.<br> +<br> +“If I could hire that man in summer,” Thaddeus remarked +one night when John’s substitute had “fixed” the furnace +so that the library resembled a cold-storage room, “I think we +could make this house an arctic paradise. He seems to have a genius +for taking warmth by the neck and shaking enough degrees of heat out +of it to turn a conflagration into an iceberg. I think I’ll +tell the Fire Commissioners about him.”<br> +<br> +“He can’t compare with John,” was Bessie’s answer +to this.<br> +<br> +“No. I think that’s why John sends him here when he +is off riding in carriages in honor of his deceased chums. By +the side of Dennis, John is a jewel.”<br> +<br> +“John is very faithful with the furnace,” said Bessie. +“He never lets it go down. Why, day before yesterday I turned +off every register in the house, and even then had to open all the windows +to keep from suffocating.”<br> +<br> +“But that wasn’t all John, my dear,” said Thaddeus. +“The Weather Bureau had something to do with it. It was +a warm day for this season of the year, anyhow. If John could +combine the two businesses of selling coal and feeding furnaces, I think +he would become a millionaire. And, by-the-way, I think you ought +to speak to him, Bess, about the windows. Since you gave him the +work of window-cleaning to do, it is evident that he thinks I have nothing +to say in the matter, for he persistently ignores my requests that he +clean them in squares as they are made, and not rub up a little circle +in the middle, so that they look like blocks of opalescent glass with +plate-glass bulls’-eyes let into the centre. Look at them +now.”<br> +<br> +“Dennis did that. John had to go to Mount Vernon with his +militia company to-day.”<br> +<br> +“Dennis is well named, for his name is - But never mind. +I’ll credit John with his twelfth day off in four weeks.”<br> +<br> +From John to Bridget, in the matter of days off, was an easy step, though +such was Bessie’s consummate diplomacy that Thaddeus would probably +have continued in ignorance of the extent to which Bridget absented +herself had they not both taken occasion one day to visit some relatives +in Philadelphia, and on their return home at night found no dinner awaiting +them.<br> +<br> +“What’s the matter now?” asked Thaddeus, a little +crossly, perhaps, for visiting relatives in Philadelphia irritated him +- possibly because he and they did not agree in politics, and their +assumption that Thaddeus’s party was entirely made up of the ignorant +and self-seeking was galling to him. “Why isn’t dinner +ready?”<br> +<br> +“Mary says that an hour after we left cook got a telegram from +New York saying that her brother was dying, and she had to go right +off.”<br> +<br> +“I thought that brother was dying last week?”<br> +<br> +“No; that was her mother’s brother, he got well. This +is another person entirely.”<br> +<br> +“Naturally,” snapped Thaddeus. “But next time +we get a cook let’s have one whose relatives are all dead, or +in the old country, where they can’t be reached. I’m +tired of this business.”<br> +<br> +“Well, you shouldn’t be cross with me about it, Thad,” +said Bessie, with a teary look in her eyes. “I have to put +up with a great deal more of it than you have, only you never know of +it. Why, I’ve cooked one-half of my own luncheons in the +last month.”<br> +<br> +“And the dinners, too, I’ll wager,” growled Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“No; she’s always got home for dinner heretofore.”<br> +<br> +“Well, we’ll keep a record-book for her, too, then. +And we’ll be generous with her. We’ll allow her just +as I was allowed in college - twenty-five per cent. in cuts. If +she has twenty-five and a fifth per cent., she goes.”<br> +<br> +“I don’t think I understand,” said Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Well, we’ll put it this way: There are thirty days in a +month. That means ninety meals a month. If she cooks sixty-seven +and a half of them she can stay; if she fails to cook the other twenty-two +and a half she can stay; but woe be unto her if she slips up by even +so little as a millionth part of the sixty-eighth!”<br> +<br> +“I don’t see how you can manage the half part of it.”<br> +<br> +“We’ll leave that to her,” said Thaddeus, firmly; +“and, what is more, we’ll put John and Mary on the same +basis, and Dennis we won’t have on any basis at all. A man +who will take advantage of his brother’s absence at a wake to +black the shoes of that brother’s only employer with stove-polish +is not the kind of a man I want to have around.”<br> +<br> +“It will be a very good plan,” said Bessie, “for all +except Mary. Her absences she cannot well avoid. She has +to go to church.”<br> +<br> +“How many times a week does she have to go?” queried Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“She is required to go to confession.”<br> +<br> +“Well, let her reform, and then she’ll have nothing to go +to confession for. I don’t believe that’s where she +goes, either. I notice that one-half those evenings she takes +off, permitting me to mind the front door, and enabling us both to acquire +proficiency in the art of helping ourselves at dinner, there’s +a fireman’s ball or a policeman’s hop or a letter-carriers’ +theatre party going on somewhere in the county, and it’s my belief +the worshipping she does on these occasions is at the shrine of Terpsichore +or that of Melpomene, which is a heathen custom and not to be tolerated +here. If she’s so fond of living in church we can quote +to her Hamlet’s advice to Ophelia - ‘Get thee to a nunnery!’ +Why, Bess, I was mortified to death the other night when Bradley dined +here, he’s all the time bragging about his menagerie, and I tried +to bluff him out and make him believe we were waited on by angels in +disguise, and you know what happened. He came, saw, and I was +regularly knocked out. You let us in; we waited on ourselves; +cook had prepared the seven-o’clock dinner at five to give her +a chance to go to the hospital to see her brother-in-law with the measles; +John had one of his Central-African fires on, and Bradley’s laughing +about it yet.”<br> +<br> +“Mr. Bradley was very disagreeable the other night, anyhow,” +sniffed Bessie. “He acted as if he were camping out!”<br> +<br> +“Well, I can’t honestly say I blame him for that,” +retorted Thaddeus. “It only needed a balsam bed and a hole +in the roof to let the rain in on him to complete the illusion.”<br> +<br> +Finally, December came, and the tendencies of absenteeism on the part +of the servants showed no signs of abatement. They were remonstrated +with, but it made no difference. They didn’t go out, they +declared, because they wanted to, but because they had to. Cook +couldn’t let her relatives go unattended. Mary’s religious +scruples simply dragged her out of the house, try as she would to stay +in; and as for John, as long as Dennis was on hand to take his place +he couldn’t see why Mr. Perkins was dissatisfied. To tell +the truth, John had recently imbibed some more or less capitalistic +- or anticapitalistic - doctrines, and he was quite incapable of understanding +why, if a street-contractor, for instance, was permitted by the laws +of the land to sublet the work for which he had contracted, he, John, +should not be permitted to sublet his contract to Dennis, piecemeal, +or even as a whole, if he saw fit to do so.<br> +<br> +Thaddeus, seeing that Bessie was very much upset by the condition of +affairs, had said little about it since Thanksgiving Day, when he had +said about as much as the subject warranted after a six-course dinner +had been hurried through in one hour, two courses having been omitted +that Bridget might catch the train leaving for New York at 3.10. +Nor would he have said anything further than the final words of dismissal +had he not come home late one afternoon to dress for a dinner at his +club, when he discovered that, owing to the usual causes, the week’s +wash, which the combined efforts of cook and waitress should have finished +that day, was delayed twenty-four hours, the consequence being that +Thaddeus had to telephone to the haberdashery for a dress-shirt and +collar.<br> +<br> +“It’s bad enough having one’s wife buy these things +for one, but when it comes to having a salesman sell you over a telephone +the style of shirt and collar ‘he always wears himself,’ +it is maddening,” began Thaddeus, and then he went on at such +an outrageous rate that Bessie became hysterical, and Thaddeus’s +conscience would not permit of his going out at all that night, and +that was the beginning of the end.<br> +<br> +“I’ll fix ‘em at Christmas-time,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“You won’t forget them at Christmas, I hope, Thad,” +said Bessie, whose forgiving nature would not hear of anything so ungenerous +as forgetting the servants during the holidays.<br> +<br> +“No,” laughed Thaddeus. “I won’t forget +‘em. I’ll give ‘em all the very things they +like best.”<br> +<br> +“Oh, I see,” smiled Bessie. “On the coals-of-fire +principle. Well, I shouldn’t wonder but it would work admirably. +Perhaps they’ll be so ashamed they’ll do better.”<br> +<br> +“Perhaps - if the coals do not burn too deep,” said Thaddeus, +with a significant smile.<br> +<br> +Christmas Eve arrived, and little Thad’s tree was dressed, the +gifts were arranged beneath it, and all seemed in readiness for the +dawning of the festal day, when Bessie, taking a mental inventory of +the packages and discovering nothing among them for the servants save +her own usual contribution of a dress and a pair of gloves for each, +turned and said to Thaddeus:<br> +<br> +“Where are the hot coals?”<br> +<br> +“The what?” asked Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“The coals of fire for the girls and John.”<br> +<br> +“Oh!” Thaddeus replied, “I have ‘em in the library. +I don’t think they’ll go well with the tree.”<br> +<br> +“What are they?” queried Bess, with a natural show of curiosity. +“Checks?”<br> +<br> +“Yes, partly,” said Thaddeus. “Mary is to have +a check for $16, Bridget one for $18, and John one for $40.”<br> +<br> +“Why, Thaddeus, that’s extravagant. Now, my dear, +there’s no use of your doing anything of that - ”<br> +<br> +“Wait and see,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“But, Teddy!” Bessie remonstrated. “Those are +the amounts of their wages. You will spoil them, and if I - ”<br> +<br> +“As I said before, wait, Bess, wait!” said Thaddeus, calmly. +“You’ll understand the whole scheme to-morrow, after breakfast.”<br> +<br> +And she did, and when she did she almost wished for a moment that she +didn’t, for after breakfast Thaddeus summoned the three offenders +into his presence, and the effect was not altogether free from painful +features to the forgiving Bess.<br> +<br> +“Bridget,” Thaddeus said, “do you remember what Mrs. +Perkins gave you last Christmas?”<br> +<br> +“I do not!” replied Bridget, rather uncompromisingly; for +it was a matter of history that she thought Mrs. Perkins on the last +Christmas festival had shown signs of parsimony in giving her a calico +gown instead of one of silk.<br> +<br> +“Well, you won’t forget next year what you got this,” +said Thaddeus, dryly. “Here is an envelope containing $18, +the amount of your wages until January 1st. Mary, what did you +get last Christmas?”<br> +<br> +“A box of candy, sir.”<br> +<br> +“Nothing else?”<br> +<br> +“I believe there was a dress of some kind. I gave it to +my cousin.”<br> +<br> +“Good. I am glad you were so generous. Here is an +envelope for you. It has $16 in it, your wages up to January 1st.”<br> +<br> +Bessie stood in the doorway, a mute witness to what seemed to her an +incomprehensible scene.<br> +<br> +“John, what did you get?”<br> +<br> +“Five dollars an’ a day off.”<br> +<br> +“And a two-dollar bill for Dennis, eh?”<br> +<br> +“Dennis got that.”<br> +<br> +“True. Well, John, here’s $40 for you - that pays +you until January 1st. Now, it strikes me that, considering the +behavior of you three people, I am very generous to pay you your wages +a week in advance, but I am not going to stop there. I have studied +you all very carefully, and I’ve tried to discover what it is +you are fondest of. Cook and Mary do not seem to care much for +dresses, though I believe there are dresses and gloves under the tree +for them, which fact they will doubtless forget by next Christmas Day. +The five dollars and a day off John seems to remember, though from his +manner of recalling it I do not think his remembrance is a very pleasing +one. Now I’ve found out what it is you all like the best, +and I’m going to give it to you.”<br> +<br> +Here the trio endeavored to appear gracious, though they were manifestly +uneasy and a bit dissatisfied with what John would have called “the +luks of t’ings.”<br> +<br> +“Cook, from the 1st of January, may go to her relatives, and stay +until they’re every one of them restored to health, if it takes +forty years. Mary may consider herself presented with sixty years’ +vacation without pay; and for you, John, I have written this letter +of recommendation to the proprietors of a large undertaking establishment +in New York, who will, I trust, engage you as a chief mourner, or perhaps +hearse-driver, for the balance of your days. At any rate, you, +too, after January 1st, may consider yourself free to go to any funeral +or militia exercises, or anything else you may choose to honor with +your presence, at your own expense. You are all given leave of +absence without pay until further notice. I wish you a merry Christmas. +Good-morning.”<br> +<br> +There were no farewells in the house that day; and inasmuch as there +was no Christmas dinner either, Thaddeus and Bessie did not miss the +service of the waitress, who, when last seen, was walking airily off +towards the station, accompanied by the indignant John and a bundle-laden +cook. Next day their trunks went also.<br> +<br> +“It was rather a hard thing to do on Christmas Day, Thaddeus,” +said Bessie, a little later.<br> +<br> +“Oh no,” quibbled Thaddeus. “It was very easy +under the circumstances, and quite appropriate. This is the time +of peace on earth and good-will to men. The only way for us to +have peace on earth was to get rid of those two women; and as for John, +he has my good-will, now that he is no longer in my employ.”<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +A STRANGE BANQUET<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +“Thaddeus,” said Bessie to her husband as they sat at breakfast +one morning, shortly after the royal banquet over which “Grimmins” +had presided, “did you hear anything strange in the house last +night? Something like a footstep in the hall?”<br> +<br> +“No,” said Thaddeus. “I slept like a top last +night. I didn’t hear anything. Did you?”<br> +<br> +“I thought so,” said Bessie. “About two o’clock +I waked up with a start, and while it may have been a sort of waking +dream, I was almost certain I heard a rustling sound out in the hall, +and immediately after a creaking on the stairs, as though there was +somebody there.”<br> +<br> +“Well, why on earth didn’t you wake me, Bess?” returned +Thaddeus. “I could easily have decided the matter by getting +up and investigating.”<br> +<br> +“That was why I didn’t wake you, Teddy. I’d +a great deal rather lose the silver or anything else in the house a +burglar might want than have you hit on the head with a sand-club,” +said Bessie. “You men are too brave.”<br> +<br> +“Thank you,” said Thaddeus, with a smile, as he thought +of a certain discussion he had had not long before at the club, in which +he and several other brave men had reached the unanimous conclusion +that the best thing to do at dead of night, with burglars in the house, +was to crawl down under the bedclothes and snore as loudly as possible. +“Nevertheless, my dear, you should have told me.”<br> +<br> +“I will next time,” said Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Was anything in the house disturbed?” Thaddeus asked.<br> +<br> +“No,” said Bessie. “Not a thing, as far as I +can find out. Mary says that everything was all right when she +came down, and the cook apparently found things straight, because she +hasn’t said anything.”<br> +<br> +So Thaddeus and Bessie made up their minds that the latter had been +dreaming, and that nothing was wrong. Two or three days later, +however, they changed their minds on the subject. There was something +decidedly wrong, but what it was they could not discover. They +were both awakened by a rustling sound in the hallway, outside of their +room, and this time there was a creak on the stairs that was unmistakable.<br> +<br> +“Don’t move, Thaddeus,” said Bessie, in a terrified +whisper, as Thaddeus made a brave effort to get up and personally investigate. +“I wouldn’t have you hurt for all the world, and there isn’t +a thing down-stairs they can take that we can’t afford to lose.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus felt very much as Bessie did, and it would have pleased him +much better to lie quietly where he was than run the risk of an encounter +with thieves. He had been brave enough in the company of men to +advocate cowardice in an emergency of just this sort, but now that this +same course was advocated by his wife, he saw it in a different light. +Prudence was possible, cowardice was not. He must get up, and +get up he did; but before going out of his room he secured his revolver, +which had lain untouched and unloaded in his bureau-drawer for two years, +and then advanced cautiously to the head of the stairs and listened +- Bessie meanwhile having buried her face in her pillow as a possible +means of assuaging her fears. It is singular what a soothing effect +a soft feather pillow sometimes has upon the agitated nerves if the +nose of the agitated person is thrust far enough into its yielding surface.<br> +<br> +“Who is there?” cried Thaddeus, standing at the head of +the stairs, his knees all of a shake, but whether from fear or from +cold, as an admirer of Thaddeus I prefer not to state.<br> +<br> +Apparently the stage-whisper in which this challenge to a possible burglar +was uttered rendered it unavailing, for there was no reply; but that +there was some one below who could reply Thaddeus was now convinced, +for there were sounds in the library - sounds, however, suggestive of +undue attention to domestic duties rather than of that which fate has +mapped out for house-breakers. The library floor was apparently +being swept.<br> +<br> +“That’s the biggest idiot of a burglar I’ve ever heard +of,” said Thaddeus, returning to his room.<br> +<br> +“Wh-wha-what, d-dud-dear?” mumbled Mrs. Perkins, burying +her ear in the pillow for comfort now that she was compelled to take +her nose away so that she might talk intelligibly.<br> +<br> +“I say that burglar must be an idiot,” repeated Thaddeus. +“What do you suppose he is doing now?”<br> +<br> +“Wh-wha-what, d-dud-dear?” asked Bessie, apparently unable +to think of any formula other than this in speaking, since this was +the second time she had used it.<br> +<br> +“He is sweeping the library.”<br> +<br> +“Then you must not go down,” cried Bessie, sitting up, and +losing her fear for a moment in her anxiety for her husband’s +safety. “A burglar you might manage, but a maniac - ”<br> +<br> +“I must go, Bess,” said Thaddeus, firmly.<br> +<br> +“Then I’m going with you,” said Mrs. Perkins, with +equal firmness.<br> +<br> +“Now, Bess, don’t be foolish,” returned Thaddeus, +his face assuming a graver expression than his wife had ever seen there. +“This is my work, and it is none of yours. I positively +forbid you to stir out of this room. I shall be very careful, +and you need have no concern for me. I shall go down the backstairs +and around by the porch, and peep in through the library window first. +The moonlight will be sufficient to enable me to see all that is necessary.”<br> +<br> +“Very well,” acquiesced Bessie, “only do be careful.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus donned his long bath-robe, put on his slippers, and started +to descend. The stairs were so dark that he could with difficulty +proceed - and perhaps it was just as well for Thaddeus that they were. +If there had been light enough for him to see two great glaring eyes +that stared at him through that darkness out from the passageway at +the foot of the stairs, upon which he turned his back when he went out +upon the porch, it is not unlikely that a very serious climax to his +strange experience would have been reached then and there. As +it was, he saw nothing, but kept straight ahead, stepped noiselessly +out upon the piazza, crept stealthily along in the soft light of the +moon, until he reached the library window. There he stopped and +listened. All was still within - so still that the beating of +his heart seemed like the hammering of a sledge upon an anvil by contrast. +Then, raising himself cautiously upon his toes, he peered through the +window into the room, the greater part of which was made visible by +the wealth of the moon’s light streaming into it.<br> +<br> +“Humph!” said Thaddeus, after he had directed his searching +gaze into every corner. “There isn’t anybody there +at all. Most incomprehensible thing I ever heard of.”<br> +<br> +Rising, he walked back to the piazza door, and went thence boldly into +the library and lit the gas. His piazza observations were then +verified, for the room was devoid of life, save for Thaddeus’s +own presence; but upon the floor before the hearth was a broom, and +there were evidences also that the sweeping sounds he had heard had +been caused by no less an instrument than this, for in the corner of +the fireplace was a heap of dust, cigar ashes, and scraps of paper, +which Thaddeus remembered had been upon the hearth in greater or less +quantity when he had turned out the gas to retire a few hours before.<br> +<br> +“This is a serious matter,” he said to himself. “Something +is wrong, and I doubt if there have been burglars in the house; but +I can ascertain that without trouble. If the doors and windows +are all secure the trouble is internal.”<br> +<br> +Every accessible door and window on the basement and first floor was +examined, and, with the exception of the piazza door, which Thaddeus +remembered to have unlocked himself a few minutes before, every lock +was fastened. The disturbance had come from within.<br> +<br> +“And Bess must never know it,” said he; “it would +worry her to death.” And then came a thought to Thaddeus’s +mind that almost stopped the beating of his heart. “Unless +she has discovered it in my absence,” he gasped. In an instant +he was mounting the stairs to hasten to Bessie’s side, as though +some terrible thing were pursuing him.<br> +<br> +“Well, what was it, Ted?” she asked, as he entered the room.<br> +<br> +Perkins gave a sigh of relief. All was safe enough above-stairs +at least.<br> +<br> +“Nothing much,” said Thaddeus, in a moment. “There +is no one below.”<br> +<br> +“But what could it have been?”<br> +<br> +“I haven’t the slightest idea,” said Thaddeus, “unless +it was a stray cat in the house. The sweeping sound may have been +caused by a cat scratching its collar - or purring - or - or - something. +At any rate, things appear to be all right, my dear, so let’s +go to sleep.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus’s assumed confidence in the rightness of everything, +rather than his explanations, was convincing to Mrs. Perkins, and in +a very short while she was sleeping the sleep of the just and serene; +but to Thaddeus’s eye there came no more sleep that night, and +when morning came he rose unrefreshed. There were two problems +confronting him. The first was to solve the mystery of the swept +library floor; the second was to do this without arousing his wife’s +suspicions that anything was wrong. To do the first he deemed +it necessary to remain at home that day, which was easy, for Thaddeus +was more or less independent of office-work.<br> +<br> +“I’m glad you’re not going down,” said Mrs. +Perkins, when he announced his intention of remaining at home. +“You will be able to make up for your loss of sleep last night.”<br> +<br> +“Yes,” said Thaddeus. “It’s the only thing +I can do, I’m so played out.”<br> +<br> +Breakfast passed off pleasantly in spite of a great drawback - the steak +was burned almost to a crisp, and the fried potatoes were like chips +of wood.<br> +<br> +“Margaret seems to be unfamiliar with the art of cooking this +morning,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“So it would seem,” said Bessie. “This steak +is horrible.”<br> +<br> +“The worst part of it is,” said Thaddeus, “she has +erred on the wrong side. If the steak were underdone it wouldn’t +be so bad. Isn’t it a pity Edison can’t invent a machine +to rarefy an overdone steak?”<br> +<br> +“That would be a fine idea,” smiled Bessie. “And +to take a Saratoga chip and make it less like a chip off a granite block.”<br> +<br> +“I don’t mind the potatoes so much,” said Thaddeus. +“I can break them up in a bowl of milk and secure a gastronomic +novelty that, suitably seasoned, isn’t at all bad, but the steak +is hopeless.”<br> +<br> +“Maybe she heard that cat last night, and thought it was a burglar, +just as we did,” Bessie suggested. “I can’t +account for a breakfast like this in any other way, can you?”<br> +<br> +“No,” said Thaddeus, shortly, and then he had an idea; and +when Thaddeus had an idea he was apt to become extremely reticent.<br> +<br> +“Poor Thad!” thought Bessie, as she noted his sudden change +of demeanor. “He can’t stand loss of sleep.”<br> +<br> +The morning was spent by Thaddeus in the “noble pastime of snooping,” +as he called it. The house was searched by him in a casual sort +of way from top to bottom for a clew to the mystery, but without avail. +Several times he went below to the cellar, ostensibly to inspect his +coal supply, really to observe the demeanor of Margaret, the cook. +Barring an unusual pallor upon her cheek, she appeared to be as she +always had been; but with the waitress it was different. Mary +was evidently excited over something, but over what Thaddeus could not, +of course, determine at that time. Later in the day, however, +the cause of her perturbation came out, and Thaddeus’s effort +to keep Bessie from anxiety over the occurrence of the night before +was rendered unavailing. It was at luncheon. The table was +set in a most peculiar fashion. The only china upon it was from +an old set which had been discarded a year previous to the time of this +story, and Bessie naturally wanted to know why, and the waitress broke +down.<br> +<br> +“It’s - it’s all we have, ma’am,” said +she, her eyes filling with tears.<br> +<br> +“All we have?” echoed Mrs. Perkins in surprise. “Why, +what do you mean? Where is the other set?”<br> +<br> +“I don’t know,” protested the waitress.<br> +<br> +“You don’t know?” said Thaddeus, taking the matter +in hand. “Why don’t you know? Isn’t the +china a part of your care?”<br> +<br> +“Yes, sir,” replied the maid, “but - it’s gone, +sir, and I don’t know where.”<br> +<br> +“When did you miss it?” asked Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“Not until I came to set the table for lunch.”<br> +<br> +“Was it in its proper place at breakfast-time?”<br> +<br> +“I didn’t notice, sir. The breakfast dishes were all +there, but I don’t remember seeing the other plates. I didn’t +think to look.”<br> +<br> +“Then it wasn’t a cat,” said Bessie, sinking back +into her chair; “we have been robbed.”<br> +<br> +“Well, it’s the first time on record, I guess, that thieves +have ever robbed a man of his china,” said Thaddeus, calmly. +“Have you looked for the plates?” he added, addressing the +waitress.<br> +<br> +“No, sir,” she replied, simply. “Where could +I look?”<br> +<br> +“That’s so - where?” said Bessie. “There +isn’t much use looking for dishes when they disappear like that. +They aren’t like whisk-brooms or button-hooks to be mislaid easily. +We have been robbed; that’s all there is about that.”<br> +<br> +“Oh, well,” said Thaddeus, “let’s eat lunch, +and see about it afterwards.”<br> +<br> +This was quite easy to say, but to eat under the circumstances was too +much for either of the young householders. The luncheon left the +table practically untouched; and when it was over Thaddeus called his +man into the house, wrote a note to the police-station, asking for an +officer in citizen’s clothes at once, and despatched it by him, +with the injunction to let very little grass grow under his feet on +the way down to headquarters. He then summoned the waitress into +the library.<br> +<br> +“Have you said anything to Margaret about the china?” he +asked.<br> +<br> +“Yes, sir,” she replied.<br> +<br> +“What did you say?”<br> +<br> +“I told her as how wasn’t it funny the way it had went, +sir.”<br> +<br> +“And what did she say?”<br> +<br> +“Nothing, sir. Only she seemed to think it was funny, because +she laughed.”<br> +<br> +“And what did you say then?”<br> +<br> +“Nothing, Mr. Perkins. Margaret and me have very little +conversation, because she don’t fancy me, and prefers talkin’ +to herself like.”<br> +<br> +“H’m!” said Thaddeus. “Talks to herself, +does she?”<br> +<br> +“All the time, sir,” returned the waitress, “and she +seems very fond of it, sir. She laughs, and says things, and then +laughs again. She does it by the hour.”<br> +<br> +“How long has this been going on?”<br> +<br> +“About a week, sir. I noticed it first last time I had my +day out. I didn’t get in until nearly eleven o’clock, +and I found her sitting at the table havin’ supper and talkin’ +and laughin’ like as though there was folks around.”<br> +<br> +“She was entirely alone, was she?” asked Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“Yes, sir.”<br> +<br> +“What did you do when you came in?”<br> +<br> +“I said ‘Hello’ to her and sat down opposite to her +at the table, where there was a place set, and I told her I was glad +she had something to eat and a place set for me, because I hadn’t +had any supper and I was hungry, sir.”<br> +<br> +“Did she make any reply?”<br> +<br> +“No, sir. She looked at me kind of indignant, and turned +out the gas and went up to bed, leaving me in the dark.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus’s brow grew thoughtful again. It wrinkled into +a half-dozen lines as he asked:<br> +<br> +“Why didn’t you speak of this before?”<br> +<br> +“It ain’t for me to be telling tales, Mr. Perkins,” +she said. “All cooks as I’ve lived with is queer like, +and I didn’t think any more about it.”<br> +<br> +“All right,” said Thaddeus. “You may go. +Only, Mary, don’t speak of the plates again to Margaret. +Say as little to her as you can, in fact, about anything. If you +notice anything queer, report to me at once.”<br> +<br> +The waitress left the room, and Thaddeus turned to his desk. It +was plain from his appearance that light was beginning to be let in +on places that up to this point had been more or less dark to him, although, +as a matter of fact, he could not in any way account for the mystery +of the vanished plates any more than he could for the sweeping of the +library in the still hours of the night. He had an idea as to +who the culprit was, and what that idea was is plain enough to us, but +the question of motive was the great puzzle to him now.<br> +<br> +“If she did take them, why should she?” was the problem +he was trying to solve; and then, as if his trials were not already +great enough for one day, Bessie broke excitedly into the room.<br> +<br> +“Thaddeus!” she cried, “there’s something wrong +in this house; my best table-cloth is missing, our dessert-spoons are +gone, and what do you suppose has happened?”<br> +<br> +“I don’t know - a volcano has developed in the cellar, I +suppose,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“No,” said Bessie, “it isn’t as bad as that; +but the ice-cream man has telephoned up to know whether we want the +cream for dinner or for eleven o’clock, according to the order +as he understands it.”<br> +<br> +“Well,” said Thaddeus, “I don’t see anything +very unusual in an ice-cream man’s needing to be told three or +four times what is expected of him.”<br> +<br> +“But I never ordered any cream at all,” said Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Ah,” said Thaddeus, “that’s different. +Did you tell Partinelli so?”<br> +<br> +“I did, and he said he was sure he wasn’t mistaken, because +he had taken the order himself.”<br> +<br> +“From you?”<br> +<br> +“No, from Margaret.”<br> +<br> +“Then it’s all right,” said Thaddeus; “it’s a +clew that fits very nicely into my theory of our recent household disturbances. +If you will wait, I think things will begin to develop very shortly, +and then we shall be able to dismiss this indictment against the cat +we thought we heard last night.”<br> +<br> +“Do you think Margaret is dishonest?”<br> +<br> +“I don’t know,” said Thaddeus. “I shouldn’t +be surprised if she had friends with taking ways; in other words, my +dear, I suspect that Margaret is in league with people outside of this +house who profit by her mistaken notions as to how to be generous; but +I can’t prove it yet.”<br> +<br> +“But what are you going to do?”<br> +<br> +“Set a watch. I have sent for a detective,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +This was too much for Bessie. She was simply overcome, and she +sat squarely down upon the arm-chair, which fortunately was immediately +behind her. I think that if it had not been, she would have plumped +down upon the floor.<br> +<br> +“Detective!” she gasped.<br> +<br> +“Exactly,” said Thaddeus, “and here he comes,” +he added, as a carriage was driven up to the door and one of the citizen +police descended therefrom.<br> +<br> +“You would better leave us to talk over this matter together,” +said Thaddeus, as he hastened to the door. “We shall be +able to manage it entirely, and the details might make you nervous.”<br> +<br> +“I couldn’t be more nervous than I am,” said Bessie; +“but I’ll leave you just the same.”<br> +<br> +Whereupon she went to her room, and Thaddeus, for an hour, was closeted +with the detective, to which he detailed the whole story.<br> +<br> +“It’s one of the two,” said the latter, when Thaddeus +had finished, “and I agree with you it is more likely to be the +cook than the waitress. If it was the waitress, she couldn’t +have stood your examination as well as you say she did. Perhaps +I’d better see her, though, and talk to her myself.”<br> +<br> +“No, I shouldn’t,” said Thaddeus “we’ll +pass you off as a business acquaintance of mine up from town, and you +can stay all night and watch developments.”<br> +<br> +So it was arranged. The detective was introduced into the family +as a correspondent of Thaddeus’s firm, and he settled down to +watch the household. Afternoon and evening went by without developments, +and at about eleven o’clock every light in the house was extinguished, +and the whole family, from the head of the house to the cook, had apparently +retired.<br> +<br> +At half-past eleven, however, there were decided signs of life within +the walls of Thaddeus’s home. The clew was working satisfactorily, +and the complete revelation of the mystery was close at hand.<br> +<br> +The remainder of the narrative can best be told in the words of the +detective:<br> +<br> +“When Mr. Perkins sent for me,” he said, “and told +me all that had happened, I made up my mind that he had a servant in +his house for whom the police had been on the lookout for some time. +I thought she was a certain Helen Malony, alias Bridget O’Shaughnessy, +alias many other names, who was nothing more nor less than the agent +of a clever band of thieves who had lifted thousands of dollars of swag +in the line of household silver, valuable books, diamonds, and other +things from private houses, where she had been employed in various capacities. +I could not understand why she should have made ‘way with the +dishes and Mrs. Perkins’s table-cloth, but there’s no accounting +for tastes of people in that line of business, so I didn’t bother +much trying to reason that matter out.<br> +<br> +“After we’d had dinner and spent the evening in Mr. Perkins’s +library, the family went to bed, and I pretended to do the same. +Instead of really going to bed, I waited my chance and slipped down +the stairs into the dining-room, and got under the table. At eleven +o’clock the maidservants went up to their rooms, and at quarter-past +there wasn’t a light burning in the house. I sat there in +the dining-room waiting, and just as the clock struck half-past eleven +I heard a noise out on the stairs, and in less than half a minute a +sulphur match was struck almost over my head under the table, and there +stood the cook, her face livid as that of a dead person, and in her +hand she held a candle, which she lit with the match. From where +I was I could see everything she did, which was not much. She +simply gathered up all the table fixings she could, and started down-stairs +into the kitchen with ‘em. Then I went up to Mr. Perkins’s +room and called him. He put on his clothes and got out his revolver, +when we stole down-stairs together, leaving Mrs. Perkins up-stairs, +with her boy’s nurse and the waitress to keep her company.<br> +<br> +“In a second we were in the laundry, which was as dark as the +ace of spades, except where the light from four gas-jets in the kitchen +streamed in through the half-open door. Mr. Perkins was for pouncing +in on the cook at once, but I was after the rest of the gang as much +as I was for the cook, and I persuaded him to wait; and, by thunder, +we were paid for waiting. It was the queerest case I ever had.<br> +<br> +“That woman - looking for all the world like a creature from some +other part of the universe than this earth, her eyes burning like two +huge coals, her checks as yellow and clear as so much wax, and her lips +blue-white, with a great flaming red tongue sort of laid between them +- worked like a slave cleaning the floor, polishing the range, and scrubbing +the table. Then she dusted all the chairs, and, producing the +missing table-cloth, she laid it snow-white upon the table. In +two minutes more the lost china was brought to light out of the flour-barrel, +polished off, and set upon the table - enough for twenty people. +The dining-room things I had seen her take she arranged as tastefully +as any one could want, and then the finest lay-out in the way of salads, +cakes, fruits, and other good things I ever saw was brought in from +the cellar. To do all this took a marvellously short time. +It was five minutes of midnight went she got through, and then she devoted +three minutes to looking after herself. She whisked out a small +hand-glass and touched up her hair a bit. Then she washed her +hands and pinned some roses on her dress, smiled a smile I can never +forget in my life, and opened the kitchen door and went out.<br> +<br> +“‘She’s going to give a supper!’ whispered Mr. +Perkins.<br> +<br> +“‘It looks like it,’ said I. ‘And a mighty +fine one at that.’<br> +<br> +“In a minute she came back with a pail, in which were four bottles +of champagne, in her hand. This she took into the cellar, returning +to the kitchen as the clock struck twelve.<br> +<br> +“Then the queerest part began,” said the detective. +“For ten minutes by the clock people were apparently arriving, +though, as far as Mr. Perkins or I could see, there wasn’t a soul +in the kitchen besides Margaret. She was talking away like one +possessed. Every once in a while she’d stop in the middle +of a sentence and rush to the door and shake hands with some, to us +invisible, arrival. Then she’d walk in with them chatting +and laughing. Several times she went through the motion of taking +people’s hats, and finally, if we could judge from her actions, +she had ‘em all seated at the table. She passed salads all +around, helping each guest herself. She sent them fruit and cakes, +and then she brought out the wine, which she distributed in the same +fashion. She also apologized because some ice-cream she had ordered +hadn’t come.<br> +<br> +“When the invisible guests appeared to have had all they could +eat, she began the chatty part again, and never seemed to be disturbed +but once, when she requested some one not to sing so loud for fear of +disturbing the family.<br> +<br> +“Altogether it was the weirdest and rummest thing I’d ever +seen in my life. We watched it for one full hour, and then we +quit because she did. At one o’clock she apparently bade +her guests good-night, after which she gathered up and put away all +the eatables there were left - and, of course, everything but what she +had eaten herself still remained - cleaned all the dishes, restored +them to their proper places in the dining-room pantry, and went back +up-stairs to her room.<br> +<br> +“Mr. Perkins and I didn’t know what to make of it. +There wasn’t a thing stolen, and it was clear to my mind that +I’d done the woman an injustice in connecting her with thieves. +She was honest, except in so far as she had ordered all those salads +and creams and things from time to time on Mr. Perkins’s account, +which was easy enough for her to do, since Mrs. Perkins let her do the +ordering. There was only one explanation of the matter. +She was crazy, and I said so.<br> +<br> +“‘I fancy you are right,’ said Mr. Perkins. +‘We’ll have to send her to an asylum!’<br> +<br> +“‘That’s the thing,’ said I, ‘and we’d +better do it the first thing in the morning. I wouldn’t +tackle her to-night, because she’s probably excited, and like +as not would make a great deal of trouble.’<br> +<br> +“And that,” said the detective, “was where Mr. Perkins +and I made our mistake. Next morning she wasn’t to be found, +and to this day I haven’t heard a word of her. She disappeared +just like that,” he said, snapping his fingers. “Of +course, I don’t mean to say that anything supernatural occurred. +She simply must have slipped down and out while we were asleep. +The front door was wide open in the morning, and a woman answering to +her description was seen to leave the Park station, five miles from +the Perkins house, on the six-thirty train that morning.”<br> +<br> +“And you have no idea where she is now?” I asked of the +detective, when he had finished.<br> +<br> +“No,” he answered, “not the slightest. For all +I know she may be cooking for you at this very minute.”<br> +<br> +With which comforting remark he left me.<br> +<br> +For my part, I hope the detective was wrong. If I thought there +was a possibility of Margaret’s ever being queen of my culinary +department, I should either give up house-keeping at once and join some +simple community where every man is his own chef, or dine forevermore +on canned goods.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +JANE<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +She was quite the reverse of beautiful - to some she was positively +unpleasant to look upon; but that made no difference to Mrs. Thaddeus +Perkins, who, after long experience with domestics, had come to judge +of the value of a servant by her performance rather than by her appearance. +The girl - if girl she were, for she might have been thirty or sixty, +so far as any one could judge from a merely superficial glance at her +face and figure - was neat of aspect, and, what was more, she had come +well recommended. She bore upon her face every evidence of respectability +and character, as well as one or two lines which might have indicated +years or toothache - it was difficult to decide which. On certain +days, when the weather was very warm and she had much to do, the impression +was that the lines meant years, and many of them, accentuated as they +were by her pallor, the whiteness of her face making the lines seem +almost black in their intensity. When she smiled, however, which +she rarely did - she was solemn enough to have been a butler - one was +impressed with the idea of hours of pain from a wicked tooth. +At any rate, she was engaged as waitress, and put in charge of the first +floor of the Perkins household.<br> +<br> +“I fancy we’ve at last got a real treasure,” said Mrs. Perkins. +“There’s no nonsense about Jane - I think.” +The last two words were added apologetically.<br> +<br> +“Where did you get her?” asked Thaddeus. “At +an Imbecility Office?”<br> +<br> +“I don’t quite know what you mean - an Imbecility Office?”<br> +<br> +“Only my pet, private, and particular name for it, my dear. +You would speak of it as an Intelligence Office, no doubt,” was +the reply. “My observation of the fruit of Intelligence +Offices has convinced me that they deal in Imbecility.”<br> +<br> +“Not quite,” laughed Mrs. Perkins. “They look +after Domestic Vacancies.”<br> +<br> +“Well, they do it with a vengeance,” said Perkins. +“We’ve had more vacancies in this house to do our cooking +and our laundering and our house-work generally than two able-bodied +men could shake sticks at. It seems to me that the domestic servant +of to-day is fonder of preoccupation than of occupation.”<br> +<br> +“Jane, I think, is different from the general run,” said +Mrs. Perkins. “As I said, she has no nonsense about her.”<br> +<br> +“Is she - an - an ornament to the scene - pretty, and all that?” +asked Perkins.<br> +<br> +“Quite the reverse,” replied the little house-keeper. +“She is as plain as a - as a - ”<br> +<br> +“Say hedge-fence and be done with it,” said Perkins. +“I’m glad of it. What’s the use of providing +a good dinner for your friends if they are going to spend all their +time looking at the waitress? When I give a dinner it makes me +tired to have the men afterwards speak of the waitress rather than of +the <i>purée </i>or the birds. If any domestic is to dominate +the repast at all it should be the cook.”<br> +<br> +“Service counts for a great deal, though, Ted,” suggested +Mrs. Perkins.<br> +<br> +“True,” replied Thaddeus; “but on the whole, when +I am starving, give me a <i>filet béarnaise </i>served by a sailor, +rather than an empty plate brought in in style by a butler of illustrious +lineage and impressive manner.” Then he added: “I +hope she isn’t too homely, Bess - not a ‘clock-stopper,’ +as the saying is. You don’t want people’s appetites +taken away when you’ve worked for hours on a menu calculated to +tickle the palates of your guests. Would her homeliness - ah - +efface itself, for instance, in the presence of a culinary creation, +or is it likely to overshadow everything with its ineffaceable completeness?”<br> +<br> +“I think she’ll do,” returned Mrs. Perkins; “especially +with your friends, who, it seems to me, would one and all insist upon +finishing a ‘creation,’ as you call it, even if lightning +should strike the house.”<br> +<br> +“From that point of view,” said he, “I’m confident +that Jane will do.”<br> +<br> +So Jane came, and for a year, strange to relate, was all that her references +claimed for her. She was neat, clean, and capable. She was +sober and industrious. The wine had never been better served; +the dinner had rarely come to the table so hot. Had she been a +butler of the first magnitude she could not so have discouraged the +idea of acquaintance; her attraction, if anything, was a combination +of her self-effacement and her ugliness. The latter might have +been noticed as she entered the dining-room; it was soon forgotten in +the unconsciously observed ease with which she went through her work.<br> +<br> +“She’s fine,” said Perkins, after a dinner of twelve +covers served by Jane with a pantry assistant. “I’ve +always had a sneaking notion that nothing short of a butler could satisfy +me, but now I think otherwise. Jane is perfection, and there is +nothing paralyzing about her, as there is about most of those reduced +swells who wait on tables nowadays.”<br> +<br> +In August the family departed for the mountains, and the house was left +in charge of Jane and the cook, and right faithfully did they fulfil +the requirements of their stewardship. The return in September +found the house cleaned from top to bottom. The hardwood floors +and stairs shone as they had rarely shone before, and as only an unlimited +application of what is vulgarly termed “elbow-grease” could +make them shine. The linen was immaculate. Ireland is not +freer from snakes than was the house of Perkins from cobwebs, and no +speck of dust except those on the travellers was visible. It was +evident that even in the absence of the family Jane was true to her +ideals, and the heart of Mrs. Perkins was glad. Furthermore, Jane +had acquired a full third set of teeth, which seemed to take some of +the lines from her face, and, as Perkins observed, added materially +to the general effect of the surroundings, although they were distressingly +new. But, alas! they marked the beginning of the end. Jane +ceased to wait upon the table with that solemnity which is essential +to the manner of a “treasure”; she smiled occasionally, +and where hitherto she had treated the conversation at the table with +stolid indifference, a witticism would invariably now bring the new +teeth unto view.<br> +<br> +“Alas!” cried Thaddeus, “our butleress has evoluted +backwards. She grins like an ordinary waitress.”<br> +<br> +It was too true. The possession of brilliantly white teeth seemed +to have brought with it a desire to show them, which was destructive +of that dignity with which Jane had previously been hedged about, and +substituted for it a less desirable atmosphere of possible familiarity, +which might grow upon very slight provocation into intimacy, not to +mention a nearer approach to social equality.<br> +<br> +“I don’t suppose we can blame her exactly,” said Perkins, +when discussing one or two of Jane’s lapses from her old-time +standard. “I haven’t a doubt that if I’d gone +for years without teeth, I’d become a regular Cheshire cat, with +a new, complete <i>édition de luxe </i>of celluloid molars. +Still, I wish she’d paid more attention to the dinner and less +to Mr. Barlow’s conversation last night. She stood a whole +minute, with the salad-bowl in her hand, waiting for him to reach the +point of his story about the plumber who put a gas-pipe through Shakespeare’s +tenor in Westminster Abbey, and when he finished, and she smiled, you’d +have thought a dozen gravestones to the deceased’s memory had +been conjured up before us.”<br> +<br> +“It’s a small fault, Thaddeus,” returned Mrs. Perkins, +“but I’ll speak to her about it.”<br> +<br> +“Oh, I wouldn’t,” said Perkins; “let it go; +she means well, and when we got her we didn’t suspect she’d +turn out such a jewel. She’s merely approaching her norm, +that is all. We ought to be thankful to have had such perfection +for one year. It’s too bad it couldn’t continue; but +what perfection does?”<br> +<br> +Nothing, therefore, was said, and Jane smiled on, yet waited most acceptably +and kept all things decently and in order - for a little while. +Along about Christmas-time a further decadence and additional flaw in +the jewel was discovered, and it was Perkins himself who discovered +it. It happened one day while he was at work alone in the house, +Mrs. Perkins having gone out shopping. A friend from Boston appeared +- a friend interested in bric-à-brac and china generally. +Thaddeus, to whom a luncheon in solitary grandeur was little short of +abomination, invited his Boston friend to stay and share pot-luck with +him, knowing, hypocrite that he was, that pot-luck did not mean pot-luck +at all, but a course luncheon which many men would have found all-sufficient +at dinner. The Boston friend accepted, and the luncheon was served +by Jane. In the course of the repast the visitor observed:<br> +<br> +“Pretty good china you have, Perkins.”<br> +<br> +“Yes,” returned Thaddeus, “pretty good. I’ve +always had a <i>penchant </i>for china. My mother-in-law thinks +I’m extravagant, and sometimes I think she is right. You +never saw my Capodimonte coffees, did you?”<br> +<br> +“No,” replied the Bostonian, “I never did. Where’d +you get ‘em?”<br> +<br> +“London,” replied Perkins, “last time I was over. +You must see them, by all means. Ah, Jane, hand Mr. Bunkerrill +one of the Capodimonte coffees.”<br> +<br> +“Wan o’ the what, sorr?” asked the treasure.<br> +<br> +Thaddeus blushed. To have his jewel go back on him at such a crisis +was excessively annoying. “One of those gold after-dinner +coffee-cups - one of the little ones, with the flowery raised figures,” +he said, sharply.<br> +<br> +“Oh!” said Jane, “wan o’ thim with somebody +else’s initial on the bottom?”<br> +<br> +“Yes,” said Thaddeus, fuming inwardly.<br> +<br> +“Quite a connoisseur, that woman,” laughed the visitor, +as Jane went after the dinner-cup. “She’s observed +the china mark. She know’s N doesn’t stand for Perkins.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus laughed weakly. “She probably thinks we got them +second-hand,” he said.<br> +<br> +“Very likely you did,” retorted the Bostonian, and Jane +returned with the desired cup. “An admirable specimen,” +continued the connoisseur; and them, turning the cup bottom upwards +in search of the mark, he disclosed to his own and Thaddeus’s +astonished gaze no less an object than the remains of a mashed green +pea, a reminiscence of the last Perkins dinner, and conclusive evidence +that at times Jane was not as careful in the washing of her china as +she might have been.<br> +<br> +It would be futile and useless for me to attempt to describe the emotions +of Thaddeus. I fancy a large enough number of us having been through +similar experiences to comprehend the man’s mortification and +his inward wrath. It was too great to find suitable expression +at the moment. Nothing short of the absolute destruction of the +cup and the annihilation of Jane could have adequately expressed Perkins’s +true feelings. He was not by nature, however, a scene-maker - +it would have been better if he had been - so he said nothing, abiding +by his rule, which seemed to be that the man of the house would do better +to reprehend the short-comings of a delinquent servant by blowing up +his wife rather than by going direct to the core of the trouble and +reading the maid a lecture. A great many men adopt this same method. +I do. It is the easiest, though it is possibly prompted by that +cowardice which is latent with us all. I never in my life have +discharged more than one servant, and I not only did not do it gracefully, +but discharged the wrong one; since which time I have left all that +sort of work to others more competent than I. Perkins’s +method was precisely thus.<br> +<br> +“I’m not going to interfere,” was his invariable remark +in cases of the kind under discussion; which was unwise, for if he had +even scolded a servant as he did his wife for the servant’s fault +he might have secured better service sooner or later.<br> +<br> +Unfortunately, when Mrs. Perkins reached home that night she was so +very tired with her exertions in the shops that Thaddeus hadn’t +the heart to tell her what had happened, and when morning came the episode +was forgotten. When it did recur to his mind it so happened that +Mrs. Perkins was out of reach. The result was that a month had +passed before Mrs. Perkins cane into possession of the facts, and it +was then, of course, too late to mention it to Jane.<br> +<br> +“You should have given her a good talking to at the time,” +said Mrs. Perkins. “It’s awful! I don’t +know what has got into Jane. My best table-cloth has got a great +hole in it, and she is very careless with the silver. My fruit-knife +last night was not clean.”<br> +<br> +“I suppose <i>you </i>spoke to her about that?” said Perkins, +smiling.<br> +<br> +“Not exactly; I sent for another, and handed her the dirty one,” +returned Mrs. Perkins. “I guess she felt all that I could +have said.”<br> +<br> +And time went on, and Jane continued to decay. She pulled corks +from olive-bottles with the carving-fork prongs and bent them backwards. +She developed a habit of going out and leaving her work undone. +The powdered sugar was allowed to resolve itself into small, hard, pill-shaped +lumps of various sizes. Breakfast had a way of being served cold. +The coffee was at times merely tepid; in short, it seemed as if she +really ought to be discharged; but then there was invariably some reason +for postponing the fatal hour. Either her kindness to the children +or a week or two of the old-time efficiency, her unyielding civility, +her scrupulous honesty, her willing acquiescence in any new duty imposed, +an impression that she was suffering, any one or all of these reasons +kept her on in her place until she became so much a fixture in the household, +so much one of the family, that the idea of getting rid of her seemed +beyond the possibility of realization. That the axe should fall +her employers knew well, and many a resolve was taken that at the end +of the season she should go, yet neither Mrs. Perkins nor her husband +liked to tell her so. Her good points were still too potent, although +none could deny that all confidence in her efficiency was shattered +past repair. The situation finally reached a point where it inspired +reflections of a more or less humorous order.<br> +<br> +“I tell you what I think,” said Thaddeus one evening, after +a particularly flagrant breach on Jane’s part, involving a streak +of cranberry sauce across a supposititiously clean plate: “you +won’t discharge her, Bess, and I won’t; suppose we send +for Mr. Burke, and get him to do it.”<br> +<br> +Mr. Burke was the one reliable man in town. It didn’t make +much difference what the Perkinses wanted done, they generally sent +for Mr. Burke to do it, largely because when he attempted a commission +he saw it through. A carpenter and builder by trade, he had for +many years looked after the repairs needful to the Perkins’ dwelling; +he had come often between Thaddeus and unskilled labor; he had made +bookcases which were dreams of convenience and sufficiently pleasing +to the eye; he had “fixed up” Mrs. Perkins’s garden; +he had supplied the family with a new gardener when the old one had +taken on habits of drink, which destroyed not only himself but the cabbages; +he had kept an eye on the plumbers; he had put up, taken down, and repaired +awnings - in short, as Perkins said, he was a “Universal.” +Once, when a delicate piece of bric-à-brac had been broken and +the china-mender asserted that it could not be mended, Perkins had said, +“See if Burke can’t fix it,” and Burke had fixed it; +and as final tribute to this wonder, Perkins had said, in suffering:<br> +<br> +“My dear, I’m afraid I have appendicitis. Send for +Mr. Burke.”<br> +<br> +“Mr. Burke!” echoed his wife.<br> +<br> +“Yes, Mr. Burke,” moaned the sufferer. “If my +vermiform appendix is to be removed, I’d rather have Mr. Burke +do it with a chisel and saw than any surgeon I know; and I won’t +take ether either, because it is such a satisfaction to see him work.”<br> +<br> +So, when this happy pair of house-holders had reached what might be +described as the grand climateric of their patience, and it was finally +decided that Jane’s usefulness was a thing of the past, and utterly +beyond redemption, Thaddeus naturally suggested turning to his faithful +friend, Mr. Burke, to rid them of their woes, and, indeed, but for Jane’s +own intervention, I fear that course would have proved the sole alternative +to her becoming an irremovable fixture in the household. But it +was Jane herself who solved the problem.<br> +<br> +It was two days after the cranberry episode that the solution came, +and it was in this wise:<br> +<br> +“Did ye send for me?” Jane asked, suddenly materializing +in Mrs. Perkins’s room.<br> +<br> +“No, Jane, I haven’t; why?”<br> +<br> +The girl began to shed tears.<br> +<br> +“Because - you’d ought to have, ma’am. I know +well enough that I ain’t satisfactory to you,” she returned, +her voice quivering, “and I can’t be, and I know you want +me to go - and I - I’ve come to give you notice.”<br> +<br> +Then Mrs. Perkins looked at Jane with sorrow on her countenance, for +she had acquired an affection for her which the maid’s delinquencies +had not been able to efface.<br> +<br> +“Can’t you try and do better?” she asked.<br> +<br> +“No, ma’am,” returned Jane. “Not with +the system - never. Mr. Perkins is too easy, and you do be so +soft-hearted it don’t keep a girl up to her work. When I +first come here, ma’am, not knowin’ ye well, I was afraid +to be anything but what was right, but the way you took accidents, and +a bit of a shortcomin’ once in a while, sort of took away my fear, +and I’ve been goin’ down hill ever since. Servant-girls +is only human, Mrs. Perkins.”<br> +<br> +Mrs. Perkins looked at Jane inquiringly.<br> +<br> +“We needs to be kept up to our work just as much as anybody else, +and when a lady like yourself is too easy, it gets a girl into bad habits, +and occasionally it does us good if the gentleman of the house will +swear at us, Mrs. Perkins, and sort of scare us, so it does. It +was that that was the making of me. The last place I was in, ma’am, +I was so afraid of both the missus and the gentleman that I didn’t +dare to be careless; and I didn’t dare be careless with you until +I found you all the time a-smilin’, whatever went wrong, and Mr. +Perkins never sayin’ a word, whether the dishes come to the table +clean or not.”<br> +<br> +“Well, Jane,” said Mrs. Perkins, somewhat carried away by +this course of reasoning, “you haven’t been what we hoped +- there is no denying that; but knowing that you were disappointing +us, why couldn’t you have made a special effort?”<br> +<br> +“Oh, Mrs. Perkins,” sobbed the poor woman, “you don’t +understand. We’re all disappointin’ to them we loves, +but - it’s them we fear - ”<br> +<br> +“Then why aren’t you afraid of us?”<br> +<br> +Jane laughed through her tears. The idea was preposterous.<br> +<br> +“Afraid of you and Mr. Perkins? Ah!” she said, sadly, +“if I only could be - but I can’t. Why, Mrs. Perkins, +if Mr. Perkins should come in here now and swear at me the way Mr. Barley +did when I worked there, I’d know he was only puttin’ it +on, and that inside he’d be laughin’ at me. No, ma’am, +it’s no use. I feel that I must go, or I’ll be forever +ruined. It was the cranberry showed me; a girl had ought to be +discharged for that. Dirty dinner plates isn’t excusable, +and yet neither of you said a word, and next week it’ll be the +same way - so I’m goin’. You won’t send me off, +so I’ve got to do it myself.”<br> +<br> +“Very well, Jane,” said Mrs. Perkins; “if that is +the way you feel about it we’ll have to part, I suppose. +I am sorry, but - ”<br> +<br> +The sentence was not finished, for Jane rushed weeping from the room, +and within a few days, her place having been filled, the house knew +her no more, except as an occasional visitor, ostensibly to see the +children. Later she got a place to her satisfaction, and one night +the Perkins were invited to dine with Jane’s new employers. +They went and found their old-time “butler” at the very +zenith of her powers. She served the dinner as she had never served +one in her palmiest days in the Perkins’s dining-room; and when +all was over, and when Mrs. Perkins went up-stairs to don her wrap to +return home, she found Jane above waiting to help her.<br> +<br> +“I am glad to see you so happy, Jane,” she said, as the +girl held her cloak.<br> +<br> +“Ah, ma’am, I’m not very happy.”<br> +<br> +“You ought to be, here. Your work to-night was perfect.”<br> +<br> +“Yes,” said Jane, “it had to be, for” - here +her voice fell to a whisper - “I don’t dare let it be different, +ma’am. Mrs. Harkins is a regular divvle, and the ould gentleman +- well, ma’am, he do swear finer ‘n any gentleman I ever +met. It’s just the place for me.”<br> +<br> +And Jane sighed as her old mistress left her.<br> +<br> +“Wasn’t she great, Bess?” said Thaddeus, on the way +home.<br> +<br> +“She was, indeed,” replied Mrs. Perkins, with a smile. +“It’s a pity I’m not a divvle.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus laughed. “That’s so,” he said; “or +that I never learned to swear like a gentleman, eh?”<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +THE END<br> +<br> +<pre> +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PASTE JEWELS*** + + +******* This file should be named 4930-h.htm or 4930-h.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/4/9/3/4930 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net + + + + + +Title: Paste Jewels + +Author: John Kendrick Bangs + +Release Date: November 20, 2004 [eBook #4930] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PASTE JEWELS*** + + + +Transcribed by David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk, from the +1897 Harper and Brothers edition. + + + + +PASTE JEWELS + + + + +PREFACE + + + +It may interest the readers of this collection of tales, if there +should be any such, to know that the incidents upon which the +stories are based are unfortunately wholly truthful. They have one +and all come under the author's observation during the past ten +years, and with the exception of "Mr. Bradley's Jewel," concerning +whom it is expressly stated that she was employed through lack of +other available material, not one of the servants herein made famous +or infamous, as the case may be, was employed except upon +presentation of references written by responsible persons that could +properly have been given only to domestics of the most sterling +character. It is this last fact that points the moral of the tales +here presented, if it does not adorn them. + +J. K. B. + + + +THE EMANCIPATION OF THADDEUS + + + +They were very young, and possibly too amiable. Thaddeus was but +twenty-four and Bessie twenty-two when they twain, made one, walked +down the middle aisle of St. Peter's together. + +Everybody remarked how amiable she looked even then; not that a +bride on her way out of church should look unamiable, of course, but +we all know how brides do look, as a rule, on such occasions--looks +difficult of analysis, but strangely suggestive of determined +timidity, if there can be such a quality expressed in the human +face. It is the natural expression of one who knows that she has +taken the most important step of her life, and, on turning to face +those who have been bidden to witness the ceremony, observes that +the sacredness of the occasion is somewhat marred by the presence in +church of the unbidden curiosity-seekers, who have come for much the +same reason as that which prompts them to go to the theatre--to +enjoy the spectacle. But Bessie's face showed nothing but that +intense amiability for which she had all her life long been noted; +and as for Thaddeus, he never ceased to smile from the moment he +turned and faced the congregation until the carriage door closed +upon him and his bride, and then, of course, he had to, his lips +being otherwise engaged. Indeed, Thaddeus's amiability was his +greatest vice. He had never been known to be ill-natured in his +life but once, and that was during the week that Bessie had kept him +in suspense while she was making up her mind not to say "No" to an +important proposition he had made--a proposition, by-the-way, which +resulted in this very ceremony, and was largely responsible for the +trials and tribulations which followed. + +Thaddeus was rich--that is, he had an income and a vocation; a +charming little home was awaiting their coming, off in a convenient +suburb; and, best of all, Bessie was an accomplished house-keeper, +having studied under the best mistresses of that art to be found in +the country. And even if she had not completely mastered the art of +keeping house, Thaddeus was confident that all would go well with +them, for their waitress was a jewel, inherited from Bessie's +mother, and the cook, though somewhat advanced in years, was beyond +cavil, having been known to the family of Thaddeus for a longer +period than Thaddeus himself had been. The only uncertain quantity +in the household was Norah, the up-stairs girl, who was not only +new, but auburn-haired and of Celtic extraction. + +Under such circumstances did the young couple start in life, and +many there were who looked upon them with envy. At first, of +course, the household did not run as smoothly as it might have +done--meals were late, and served with less ceremony than either +liked; but, as Bessie said, as she and Thaddeus were finishing their +breakfast one morning, "What could you expect?" + +To which Thaddeus, with his customary smile, replied "What, indeed! +We get along much better than I really thought we should with old +Ellen." + +Old Ellen was the cook, and she had been known to Thaddeus as "Old +Ellen" even before his lips were able to utter the words. + +"Ellen has her ways, and Jane has hers," said Bessie. "After Jane +has got accustomed to Ellen's way of getting breakfast ready, she +will know better how to go about her own work. I think, perhaps, +cook's manner is a little harsh. She made Jane cry about the omelet +this morning; but Jane is teary, anyhow." + +"It wouldn't do to have Ellen oily and Jane watery," Thaddeus +answered. "They'd mix worse than ever then. We're in pretty good +luck as it is." + +"I think so, too, Teddy," Bessie replied; "but Jane is so foolish. +She might have known better than to send the square platter down to +Ellen for an omelet, when the omelet was five times as long as it +was broad." + +"You always had square omelets, though, at your house--that is, +whenever I was there you had," said Thaddeus. "And I suppose Jane's +notion is that as things happened under your mother's regime, so +they ought to happen here." + +"Possibly that was her notion," replied Bessie; "but, then, in your +family the omelets were oblong, and Ellen is too old to depart from +her traditions. Old people get set in their ways, and as long as +results are satisfactory, we ought not to be captious about +methods." + +"No, indeed, we shouldn't," smiled Thaddeus; "but I don't want you +to give in to Ellen to too great an extent, my dear. This is your +home, and not my mother's, and your ways must be the ways of the +house." + +"Ellen is all right," returned Bessie, "and I am so delighted to +have her, because, you know, Teddy dear, she knows what you like +even better, perhaps, than I do--naturally so, having grown up in +your family." + +"Reverse that, my dear. Our family grew up on Ellen. She set the +culinary pace at home. Mother always let her have her own way, and +it may be she is a little spoiled." + +"Do you know, Teddy, I wonder that, having had Ellen for so many +years, your mother was willing to give her up." + +"Oh, I can explain that," Thaddeus answered. "I'm the youngest, you +know; the rest of the family were old enough to be weaned. Besides, +father was getting old, and he had a notion that the comforts of a +hotel were preferable to the discomforts of house-keeping. Father +likes to eat meals at all hours, and the annunciator system of hotel +life, by which you can summon anything in an instant, from a shower- +bath to a feast of terrapin, was rather pleasing to him. He was +always an admirer of the tales of the genii, and he regards the +electric button in a well-appointed hotel as the nearest approach to +the famous Aladdin lamp known to science. You press the button, and +your genii do the rest." + +"But a hotel isn't home," said Bessie. + +"A hotel isn't this home," answered Thaddeus. "Love in a cottage +for me; but, Bessie, perhaps you--perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea +for you to speak to Jane and Ellen this morning about their +differences. I am an hour late now." + +Then Thaddeus kissed Bessie, and went down to business. + +On Thaddeus's departure Bessie's cheerfulness also deserted her, and +for the first time in her life she felt that it would do her good if +she could fly out at somebody--somebody, however, who was not +endeared to the heart of Thaddeus, or too intimately related to her +own family, which left no one but Norah upon whom to vent the +displeasure that she felt. Norah was, therefore, sought out, and +requested rather peremptorily to say how long it had been since she +had dusted the parlor; to which Norah was able truthfully to answer, +"This mornin', mim." Whereupon Bessie's desire to be disagreeable +departed, and saying that Norah could now clean the second-story +front-room windows, she withdrew to her own snug sewing-room until +luncheon should be served. She was just a trifle put out with Norah +for being so efficient. There is nothing so affronting to a young +house-keeper as the discovery that the inherited family jewels, upon +whom much reliance has been placed, are as paste alongside of the +newly acquired bauble from whom little was expected. It was almost +unkind in Norah, Bessie thought, to be so impeccably conscientious +when Jane and Ellen were developing eccentricities; but there was +the consoling thought that when they had all been together a month +or two longer, their eccentricities would so shape themselves that +they would fit into one another, and ultimately bind the little +domestic structure more firmly together. + +"Perhaps if I let them alone," Bessie said to herself, "they'll +forget their differences more quickly. I guess, on the whole, I +will say nothing about it." + +That night, when Thaddeus came home, the first thing he said to his +wife was: "Well, I suppose you were awfully firm this morning, eh? +Went down into the kitchen and roared like a little tyrant, eh? I +really was afraid to read the paper on the way home. Didn't know +but what I'd read of a 'Horrid Accident in High Life. Mrs. Thaddeus +Perkins's Endeavor to Maintain Discipline in the Household Results +Fatally. Two Old Family Servants Instantly Killed, and Three of the +Kitchen Table Legs Broken by a Domestic Explosion!'" + +"Be serious, Thaddeus," said Bessie. + +And Thaddeus became instantly serious. "They--they haven't left us, +have they?" he whispered, in an awe-struck tone. + +"No. I--I thought I'd let them fight it out between themselves," +replied Bessie. "You see, Thaddeus, servants are queer, and do not +like to have their differences settled by others than themselves. +It'll work out all right, if we let them alone." + +"I don't know but that you are right," said Thaddeus, after a few +moments of thought. "They're both sensible girls, and capable of +fighting their own battles. Let's have dinner. I'm hungry as a +bear." + +It was half-past six o'clock, and the usual hour for dinner. At +8.10 dinner was served. The intervening time was consumed by Jane +and Ellen endeavoring to settle their differences by the silent, +sniffy method--that is, Jane would sniff, and Ellen would be silent; +and then Ellen would sniff, and Jane would be silent. As for +Thaddeus and Bessie, they were amused rather than angry to have the +dear little broiled chicken Bessie had provided served on the large +beef-platter; and when the pease came up in a cut-glass salad-dish, +Thaddeus laughed outright, but Bessie's eyes grew moist. It was too +evident that Jane and Ellen were not on speaking terms, and there +was strong need for some one to break the ice. Fortunately, +Bessie's mother called that evening, and some of her time was spent +below-stairs. What she said there only Ellen and Jane knew, but it +had its effect, and for two or three weeks the jewels worked almost +as satisfactorily as did Norah, the new girl, and quite +harmoniously. + +"Bessie," said Thaddeus, one night as they ate their supper, "does +it occur to you that the roast is a little overdone to-night?" + +"Yes, Teddy, it is very much overdone. I must speak to Ellen about +it. She is a little careless about some things. I've told her +several times that you like your beef rare." + +"Well, I'd tell her again. Constant dropping of water on its +surface will wear away a stone, and I think, perhaps, the constant +dropping of an idea on a cook's head may wear away some of the +thickest parts of that--at least, until it is worn thin enough for +the idea to get through to where her brain ought to be. You might +say to her, too, that for several nights past dinner has been cold." + +"I'll speak to her in the morning," was Bessie's reply; and the dear +little woman was true to her purpose. + +"She explained about the beef and the cold dinner, Ted," she said, +when Thaddeus came home that afternoon. + +"Satisfactorily to all hands, I hope?" said Thaddeus, with his usual +smile. + +"Yes, perfectly. In fact, I wonder we hadn't thought of it +ourselves. In the old home, you know, the dinner-hour was six +o'clock, while here it is half-past six." + +"What has that got to do with it?" asked Thaddeus. + +"How obtuse of you, Teddy!" exclaimed Bessie. "Don't you see, the +poor old thing has been so used to six-o'clock dinners that she has +everything ready for us at six? And if we are half an hour late, of +course things get cold; or if they are kept in the oven, as was the +case with the beef last night, they are apt to be overdone?" + +"Why, of course. Ha! Ha! Wonder I didn't think of that," laughed +Thaddeus, though his mirth did seem a little forced. "But--she's-- +she's going to change, I suppose?" + +"She said she'd try," Bessie replied. "She was really so very nice +about it, I hadn't the heart to scold her." + +"I'm glad," was all Thaddeus said, and during the rest of the meal +he was silent. Once or twice he seemed on the verge of saying +something, but apparently changed his mind. + +"Are you tired to-night, dear?" said Bessie, as the dessert was +served. + +"No. Why?" said Thaddeus, shortly. + +"Oh, nothing. I thought you seemed a little so," Bessie answered. +"You mustn't work too hard down-town." + +"No, my dear girl," he said. "I won't, and I don't. I was thinking +all through dinner about those girls down-stairs. Perhaps--perhaps +I had better talk to them, eh? You are so awfully kind-hearted, and +it does seem to me as though they imposed a little on you, that's +all. The salad to-night was atrocious. It should have been kept on +the ice, instead of which it comes to the table looking like a last +year's bouquet." + +Bessie's eyes grew watery. "I'm afraid it was my fault," she said. +"I ought to have looked after the salad myself. I always did at +home. I suppose Jane got it out expecting me to prepare it." + +"Oh, well, never mind," said Thaddeus, desirous of soothing the +troubled soul of his wife. "I wouldn't have mentioned it, only Jane +does too much thinking, in a thoughtless way, anyhow. Servants +aren't paid to think." + +"I'll tell you what, Thaddeus," said Bessie, her spirits returning, +"we are just as much to blame as they are; we've taken too much for +granted, and so have they. Suppose we spend the evening putting +together a set of rules for the management of the house? It will be +lots of fun, and perhaps it will do the girls good. They ought to +understand that while our parents have had their ways--and +reasonable ways--there is no reason why we should not have our +ways." + +"In other words," said Thaddeus, "what we want to draw up is a sort +of Declaration of Independence." + +"That's it, exactly," Bessie replied. + +"Better get a slate and write them on that," suggested Thaddeus, +with a broad grin. "Then we can rub out whatever Jane and Ellen +don't like." + +"I hate you when you are sarcastic," said Bessie, with a pout, and +then she ran for her pad and pencil. + +The evening was passed as she had suggested, and when they retired +that night the house of Perkins was provided with a constitution and +by-laws. + +"I don't suppose I shall recognize my surroundings when I get back +home to-night," said Thaddeus, when he waked up in the morning. + +"Why not?" asked Bessie. "What strange transformation is there to +be?" + +"The discipline will be so strict," answered Thaddeus. "I presume +you will put those rules of ours into operation right away?" + +"I have been thinking about that," said Bessie, after a moment. +"You see, Thad, there are a great many things about running a house +that neither you nor I are familiar with yet, and it seems to me +that maybe we'd better wait a little while before we impose these +rules on the girls; it would be awkward to have to make changes +afterwards, you know." + +"There is something in that," said Thaddeus; "but, after all, not so +much as you seem to think. All rules have exceptions. I've no +doubt that the cook will take exception to most of them." + +"That's what I'm afraid of, and as she's so old I kind of feel as if +I ought to respect her feelings a little more than we would Norah's, +for instance. I can just tell you I shall make Norah stand around." + +"I think it would be a good plan if you did," said Thaddeus. "I'm +afraid Norah will die if you don't. She works too hard to be a real +servant--real servants stand around so much, you know." + +"Don't be flippant, Thaddeus. This is a very serious matter. Norah +is a good girl, as you say. She works so much and so quickly that +she really makes me tired, and I'm constantly oppressed with the +thought that she may get through with whatever she is doing before I +can think of something else to occupy her time. But with her we +need have none of the feeling that we have with Jane and Ellen. She +is young, and susceptible to new impressions. She can fall in with +new rules, while the other two might chafe under them. Now, I say +we wait until we find out if we cannot let well enough alone, and +not raise discord in our home." + +"There never was an Eden without its serpent," sighed Thaddeus. "I +don't exactly like the idea of fitting our rules to their +idiosyncrasies." + +"It isn't that, dear. I don't want that, either; but neither do we +wish to unnecessarily hamper them in their work by demanding that +they shall do it our way." + +"Oh, well, you are the President of the Republic," said Thaddeus. +"You run matters to suit yourself, and I believe we'll have the most +prosperous institution in the world before we know it. If it were a +business matter, I'd have those rules or die; but I suppose you +can't run a house as you would a business concern. I guess you are +right. Keep the rules a week. Why not submit 'em to your mother +first?" + +"I thought of that," said Bessie. "But then it occurred to me that +as Ellen had served always under your mother, it would be better if +we consulted her." + +"I don't," said Thaddeus. "She'd be sure to tell you not to have +any rules, or, if she didn't, she would advise you to consult with +the cook in the matter, which would result in Ellen's becoming +President, and you and I taxpayers. She used to run our old house, +and now see the consequences!" + +"What are the consequences?" asked Bessie. + +"Mother and father have been driven into a hotel, and the children +have all been married." + +"That's awful," laughed Bessie. + +And so the rules were filed away for future reference. That they +would have remained on file for an indefinite period if Thaddeus had +not asked a friend to spend a few weeks with him, I do not doubt. +Bessie grew daily more mistrustful of their value, and Thaddeus +himself preferred the comfort of a quiet though somewhat irregular +mode of living to the turmoil likely to follow the imposition of +obnoxious regulations upon the aristocrats below-stairs. But the +coming of Thaddeus's friend made a difference. + +The friend was an elderly man, with a business and a system. He was +a man, for instance, who all his life had breakfasted at seven, +lunched at one, and dined at six-thirty, of which Thaddeus was aware +when he invited him to make his suburban home his headquarters while +his own house was being renovated and his family abroad. Thaddeus +was also aware that the breakfast and dinner hours under Bessie's +regime were nominally those of his friend, and so he was able to +assure Mr. Liscomb that his coming would in no way disturb the usual +serenity of the domestic pond. The trusting friend came. Breakfast +number one was served fifteen minutes after the hour, and for the +first time in ten years Mr. Liscomb was late in arriving at his +office. He had not quite recovered from the chagrin consequent upon +his tardiness when that evening he sat down to dinner at Thaddeus's +house, served an hour and ten minutes late, Ellen having been +summoned by wire to town to buy a pair of shoes for one of her +sister's children, the sister herself suffering from poverty and +toothache. + +"I hope you were not delayed seriously this morning, Mr. Liscomb," +said Bessie, after dinner. + +"Oh no, not at all!" returned Liscomb, polite enough to tell an +untruth, although its opposite was also a part of his system. + +"Ellen must be more prompt with breakfast," said Thaddeus. "Seven, +sharp, is the hour. Did you speak to her about it?" + +"No, but I intend to," answered Bessie. "I'll tell her the first +thing after breakfast to-morrow. I meant to have spoken about it +to-day, but when I got down-stairs she had gone out." + +"Was it her day out?" + +"No; but her sister is sick, and she was sent for. It was all +right. She left word where she was going with Jane." + +"That was very considerate of her," said Liscomb, politely. + +"Yes," said Bessie. "Ellen's a splendid woman." + +Later on in the evening, about half-past nine, when Mr. Liscomb, +wearied with the excitement of the first irregular day he had known +from boyhood, retired, Thaddeus took occasion to say: + +"Bessie, I think you'd better tell Ellen about having breakfast +promptly in the morning to-night, before we go to bed." + +"Very well," returned Bessie, "I'll go down now and do it;" and down +she went. In a moment she was back. "The poor thing was so tired," +she said, "that she went to bed as soon as dinner was cooked, so I +couldn't tell her." + +"Why didn't you send up word to her by Jane?" + +"Oh, she MUST be asleep by this time!" + +"Oh!" said Thaddeus. + +It was nine o'clock the next morning when Ellen opened her eyes. +Breakfast had been served a half-hour earlier, Jane and Bessie +having cooked some eggs, which Bessie ate alone, since Thaddeus and +Liscomb were compelled to take the eight-o'clock train to town, +hungry and forlorn. Liscomb was very good-natured about it to +Thaddeus, but his book-keeper had a woful tale to tell of his +employer's irritability when he returned home that night. As for +Thaddeus, he spoke his mind very plainly--to Liscomb. Bessie never +knew what he said, nor did any of the servants; but he said it to +Liscomb, and, as Liscomb remarked later, he seemed like somebody +else altogether while speaking, he was so fierce and determined +about it all. That night a telegram came from Liscomb, saying that +he had been unexpectedly delayed, and that, as there were several +matters requiring his attention at his own home, he thought he would +not be up again until Sunday. + +Bessie was relieved, and Thaddeus was mad. + +"We MUST have those rules," he said. + +And so they were brought out. Ellen received them with stolid +indifference; Jane with indignation, if the slamming of doors in +various parts of the house that day betokened anything. Norah +accepted them without a murmur. It made no difference to Norah on +what day she swept the parlor, nor did she seem to care very much +because her "days at home" were shifted, so that her day out was +Friday instead of Thursday. + +"Has Ellen said anything about the rules, my dear?" asked Thaddeus, +a week or two later. + +"Not a word," returned Bessie. + +"Has she 'looked' anything?" + +"Volumes," Bessie answered. + +"Does she take exception to any of them?" + +"No," said Bessie, "and I've discovered why, too. She hasn't read +them." + +Thaddeus was silent for a minute. Then he said, quite firmly for +him, "She must read them." + +"MUST is a strong word, Teddy," Bessie replied, "particularly since +Ellen can't read." + +"Then you ought to read them to her." + +"That's what I think," Bessie answered, amiably. "I'm going to do +it very soon--day after to-morrow, I guess." + +"What has Jane said?" asked Thaddeus, biting his lip. + +Bessie colored. Jane had expressed herself with considerable force, +and Bessie had been a little afraid to tell Thaddeus what she had +said and done. + +"Oh, nothing much," she answered. "She--she said she'd never worn +caps like a common servant, and wasn't going to begin now; and then +she didn't like having to clean the silver on Saturday afternoons, +because the silver-powder got into her finger-nails; and that really +is too bad, Teddy, because Saturday night is the night her friends +come to call, and silver-powder is awfully hard to get out of your +nails, you know; and, of course, a girl wants to appear neat and +clean when she has callers." + +"Of course," said Thaddeus. "And I judge by the appearance of the +brass fenders that she doesn't like to polish them up on Wednesday +because it gives her a backache on Thursday, which is her day out." + +Bessie's eyes took on their watery aspect again. + +"Do the fenders look so very badly, Ted?" she asked. + +"They're atrocious," said Thaddeus. + +"I'm sorry, dear; but I did my best. I polished them myself this +afternoon; Jane had to go to a funeral." + +"Oh, my!" cried Thaddeus. "This subject's too much for me. Let's +go out--somewhere, anywhere--to a concert. Music hath its charms to +soothe a savage breast, and my breast is simply the very essence of +wildness to-night. Put on your things, Bess, and hurry, or I'll +suffocate." + +Bessie did as she was told, and before ten o'clock the happy pair +had forgotten their woes, nor do I think they would have remembered +them again that night had they not found on their return home that +they were locked out. + +At this even the too amiable Bessie was angry--very angry--unjustly, +as it turned out afterwards. + +"They weren't to blame, after all," she explained to Thaddeus, when +he came home the next night. "I spoke to them about it, and they +all thought we'd spend the night with your mother and father at the +Oxford." + +"They're a thoughtful lot," said Thaddeus. + +And so time passed. The "treasures" did as they pleased; the +dubious auburn-haired Norah continued her aggravating efficiency. +Bessie's days were spent in anticipation of an interview of an +unpleasant nature with Jane or Ellen "to-morrow." Thaddeus's former +smile grew less perpetual--that is, it was always visible when +Bessie was before him, but when Bessie was elsewhere, so also was +the token of Thaddeus's amiability. He chafed under the tyranny, +but it never occurred to him but once that it would be well for him +to interview Ellen and Jane; and then, summoning them fiercely, he +addressed them mildly, ended the audience with a smile, and felt +himself beneath their sway more than ever. + +Then something happened. A day came and went, and the morrow +thereof found Thaddeus dethroned from even his nominal position of +head of the house. There was a young Thaddeus, an eight-pound +Thaddeus, a round, red-cheeked, bald-headed Thaddeus that looked +more like the Thaddeus of old than Thaddeus did himself; and then, +at a period in which man feels himself the least among the +insignificant, did our hero find happiness unalloyed once more, for +to the pride of being a father was added the satisfaction of seeing +Jane and Ellen acknowledge a superior. Make no mistake, you who +read. It was not to Thaddeus junior that these gems bowed down. It +was to the good woman who came in to care for the little one and his +mother that they humbled themselves. + +"She's great," said Thaddeus to himself, as he watched Jane bustling +about to obey the command of the temporary mistress of the situation +as she had never bustled before. + +"She's a second Elizabeth," chuckled Thaddeus, as he listened to an +order passed down the dumb-waiter shaft from the stout empress of +the moment to the trembling queen of the kitchen. + +"She's a little dictatorial," whispered Thaddeus to his newspaper, +when the monarch of all she surveyed gave him HIS orders. "But +there are times, even in a Republic like this, when a dictator is an +advantage. I hate to see a woman cry, but the way Jane wept at the +routing Mrs. Brown gave her this morning was a finer sight than +Niagara." + +But, alas! this happy state of affairs could not last forever. +Thaddeus was just beginning to get on easy terms with Mrs. Brown +when she was summoned elsewhere. + +"Change of heir is necessary for one in her profession," sighed +Thaddeus; and then, when he thought of resuming the reins himself, +he sighed again, and wished that Mrs. Brown might have remained a +fixture in the household forever. "Still," he added, more to +comfort himself than because he had any decided convictions to +express--"still, a baby in the house will make a difference, and +Ellen and Jane will behave better now that Bessie's added +responsibilities put them more upon their honor." + +For a time Thaddeus's prophecy was correct. Ellen and Jane did do +better for nearly two months, and then--but why repeat the old +story? Then they lapsed, that is all, and became more tyrannical +than ever. Bessie was so busy with little Ted that the household +affairs outside of the nursery came under their exclusive control. +Thaddeus stood it--I was going to say nobly, but I think it were +better put ignobly--but he had a good excuse for so doing. + +"A baby is an awful care to its mother," he said; "a responsibility +that takes up her whole time and attention. I don't think I'd +better complicate matters by getting into a row with the servants." + +And so it went. A year and another year passed. The pretty home +was beginning to look old. The bloom of its youth had most +improperly faded--for surely a home should never fade--but there was +the boy, a growing delight to his father, so why complain? Better +this easy-going life than one of domestic contention. + +Then on a sudden the boy fell ill. The doctor came--shook his head +gravely. + +"You must take him to the sea-shore," he said. "It is his only +chance." + +And to the sea-shore they went, leaving the house in charge of the +treasures. + +"I have confidence in you," said Thaddeus to Jane and Ellen on the +morning of the departure, "so I have decided to leave the house open +in your care. Mrs. Perkins wants you to keep it as you would if she +were here. Whatever you need to make yourselves comfortable, you +may get. Good-bye." + +"What a comfort it is," said Bessie, when they had reached the sea- +shore, and were indulging in their first bit of that woful luxury, +homesickness--"what a comfort it is to feel that the girls are there +to look after things! An empty house is such a temptation to +thieves." + +"Yes," said Thaddeus. "I hope they won't entertain too much, +though." + +"Ellen and Jane are too old for that sort of thing," Bessie +answered. + +"How about Norah?" + +"Oh, I forgot to tell you. There was nothing really for Norah to +do, so I told her she could go off and stay with her mother on +board-wages." + +"Good!" said Thaddeus, with a pleased smile. "It isn't a bad idea +to save, particularly when you are staying at the sea-shore." + +In this contented frame of mind they lived for several weeks. The +boy grew stronger every day, and finally Thaddeus felt that the +child was well enough to warrant his running back home for a night, +"just to see how things were going." That the girls were faithful, +of course, he did not doubt; the regularity with which letters +addressed to him at home--and they were numerous--reached him +convinced him of that; but the hamper containing the week's wash, +which Ellen and Jane were to send, and which had been expected on +Thursday of the preceding week, had failed for once to arrive; the +boy had worn one dress four days, Thaddeus's collars were getting +low, and altogether he was just a little uneasy about things. So he +availed himself of his opportunity and went home, taking with him a +friend, in consideration of whom he telegraphed ahead to Ellen to +prepare a good breakfast, not caring for dinner, since he and his +companion expected to dine at the club and go to the theatre before +going out to his home. + +The result would have been fatal to Bessie's peace of mind had she +heard of it during her absence from home. But Thaddeus never told +her, until it was a matter of ancient history, that when he arrived +at home, a little after midnight, he found the place deserted, and +was compelled to usher his friend in through the parlor window; that +from top to bottom the mansion gave evidence of not having seen a +broom or a dust-brush since the departure of the family; that Jane +had not been seen in the neighborhood for one full week--this came +from those living on adjoining property; that Ellen had been absent +since early that morning, and was not expected to return for three +days; and, crowning act of infamy, that he, Thaddeus, and his friend +were compelled to breakfast next morning upon a half of a custard +pie, a bit mouldy, found by the lord of the manor on the fast- +melting remains of a cake of ice in the refrigerator. Whether it +would have happened if Thaddeus had not been accompanied by a +friend, whose laughter incited him to great deeds, or not I am not +prepared to say, but something important did happen. Thaddeus rose +to the occasion, and committed an act, and committed it thoroughly. +The Thaddeus of old, the meek, long-suffering, too amiable Thaddeus, +disappeared. The famous smile was given no chance to play. His +wife was absent, and the smile was far away with her. Thaddeus, +with one fell blow, burst his fetters and became free. + +That afternoon, when he had returned to the seaboard, Bessie asked +him, "How was the house?" + +"Beautiful," said Thaddeus, quite truthfully; for it was. + +"Did Ellen say anything about the hamper?" + +"Not a word." + +"Did you speak to her about it?" + +"Nope." + +"Oh, Teddy! How could you forget it?" + +To the lasting honor of Thaddeus be it said that he bore up under +this unflinchingly. + +"Did you have a good breakfast, Ted?" Bessie asked, returning to the +subject later. + +"Very," said Thaddeus, thinking of the hearty meal he and his +fellow-sufferer had eaten at the club after getting back to town. +"We had a tomato omelet, coffee, toast, rice cakes, tenderloin +steak, and grits." + +"Dear me!" smiled Bessie; she was so glad her Teddy had been so well +treated. "All that? Ellen must have laid herself out." + +"Yes," said Thaddeus; "I think she did." + + +All the following week Thaddeus seemed to have a load on his mind--a +load which he resolutely refused to share with his wife--and on +Friday he found it necessary to go up to town. + +"I thought this was your vacation," remonstrated Bessie. + +"Well, so it is," said Thaddeus. "But--but I've got one or two +matters to attend to--matters of very great importance--so that I +think I'll have to go." + +"If you must, you must," said Bessie. "But I think it's horrid of +your partner to make you go back to town this hot weather." + +"Don't be cross with my partner," said Thaddeus; "especially my +partner in this matter." + +"Have you different partners for different matters?" queried Bessie. + +"Never mind about that, my dear; you'll know all about it in time, +so don't worry." + +"All right, Teddy. But I don't like to have you running away from +me when I'm at a hotel. I'd rather be home, anyhow. Can't I go +with you? Little Ted is well enough now to go home." + +"Not this time; but you can go up next Wednesday if you wish," +returned Thaddeus, with a slight show of embarrassment. + +And so it was settled, and Thaddeus went to town. On Wednesday they +all left the sea-shore to return to Phillipseburg. + +"Oh, how lovely it looks!" ejaculated Bessie, as she entered the +house, Norah having opened the door. "But--er--where's Jane, +Norah?" + +"Cookin' the dinner, mim." + +"Why, Jane can't cook." + +"If you please, mim, this is a new Jane." + +Bessie's parasol fell to the floor. "A wha-a-at?" she cried. + +"A new Jane. Misther Perkins has dispinsed with old Jane and Ellen, +mim." + +Bessie rushed up-stairs to her room and cried. The shock was too +sudden. She longed for Thaddeus, who had remained at the station +collecting the bath-tubs and other luxuries of the baby from the +luggage-van, to come. What did it all mean? Jane and Ellen gone! +New girls in their places! + +And then Thaddeus came, and made all plain to the little woman, and +when he was all through she was satisfied. He had discharged the +tyrants, and had supplied their places. The latter was the +important business which had taken him to town. + +"But, Teddy," Bessie said, with a smile, when she had heard all, +"how did poor mild little you ever have the courage to face those +two women and give them their discharge?" + +Teddy blushed. "I didn't," he answered, meekly; "I wrote it." + +Five years have passed since then, and all has gone well. Thaddeus +has remained free, and, as he proudly observes, domestics now +tremble at his approach--that is, all except Norah, who remembers +him as of old. Ellen and Jane are living together in affluence, +having saved their wages for nearly the whole of their term of +"service." Bessie is happy in the possession of two fine boys, to +whom all her attention--all save a little reserved for Thaddeus--is +given; and, as for the dubious, auburn-haired, and distinctly Celtic +Norah, Thaddeus is afraid that she is developing into a "treasure." + +"Why do you think so?" Bessie asked him, when he first expressed +that fear. + +"Oh, she has the symptoms," returned Thaddeus. "She has taken three +nights off this week." + + + +MR. BRADLEY'S JEWEL + + + +Thaddeus was tired, and, therefore, Thaddeus was grumpy. One +premise only was necessary for the conclusion--in fact, it was the +only premise upon which a conclusion involving Thaddeus's grumpiness +could find a foothold. If Thaddeus felt rested, everything in the +world could go wrong and he would smile as sweetly as ever; but with +the slightest trace of weariness in his system the smile would fade, +wrinkles would gather on his forehead, and grumpiness set in whether +things were right or wrong. On this special occasion to which I +refer, things were just wrong enough to give him a decent excuse-- +outside of his weariness--for his irritation. Norah, the housemaid, +had officiously undertaken to cover up the shortcomings of John, who +should have blacked Thaddeus's boots, and who had taken his day off +without preparing the extra pair which the lord of the manor had +expected to wear that evening. It was nice of the housemaid, of +course, to try to black the extra pair to keep John out of trouble, +but she might have been more discriminating. It was not necessary +for her to polish, until they shone like Claude Lorraine glasses, +two right boots, one of which, paradoxical as it may seem, was +consequently the wrong boot; so that when Thaddeus came to dress for +the evening's diversion there was nowhere to be found in his shoe- +box a bit of leathern gear in which his left foot might appear in +polite society to advantage. Possibly Thaddeus might have endured +the pain of a right boot on a left foot, had not Norah unfortunately +chosen for that member a box-toed boot, while for the right she had +selected one with a very decided acute angle at its toe-end. + +"Just like a woman!" ejaculated Thaddeus, angrily. + +"Yes," returned Bessie, missing Thaddeus's point slightly. "It was +very thoughtful of Norah to look after John's work, knowing how +important it was to you." + +Fortunately Thaddeus was out of breath trying to shine up the other +pointed-toe shoe, so that his only reply to this was a look, which +Bessie, absorbed as she was in putting the studs in Thaddeus's +shirt, did not see. If she had seen it, I doubt if she would have +been so entirely happy as the tender little song she was humming +softly to herself seemed to indicate that she was. + +"Some people are born lucky!" growled Thaddeus, as he finished +rubbing up the left boot, giving it a satin finish which hardly +matched the luminous brilliance of its mate, though he said it would +do. "There's Bradley, now; he never has any domestic woes of this +sort, and he pays just half what we do for his servants." + +"Oh, Mr. Bradley. I don't like him!" ejaculated Bessie. "You are +always talking about Mr. Bradley, as if he had an automaton for a +servant." + +"No, I don't say he has an automaton," returned Thaddeus. +"Automatons don't often work, and Bradley's jewel does. Her name is +Mary, but Bradley always calls her his jewel." + +"I've heard of jewels," said Bessie, thinking of the two Thaddeus +and she had begun their married life with, "but they've always +seemed to me to be paste emeralds--awfully green, and not worth +much." + +"There's no paste emerald about Bradley's girl," said Thaddeus. +"Why, he says that woman has been in Mrs. Bradley's employ for seven +weeks now, and she hasn't broken a bit of china; never sweeps dust +under the beds or bureaus; keeps the silver polished so that it +looks as if it were solid; gets up at six every morning; cooks well; +is civil, sober, industrious; has no hangers-on--" + +"Is Mr. Bradley a realist or a romancer?" asked Bessie. + +"Why do you ask that?" replied Thaddeus. + +"That jewel story sounds like an Arabian Nights tale," said Bessie. +"I don't believe that it is more than half true, and that half is +exaggerated." + +"Well, it IS true," said Thaddeus. "And, what is more, the girl +helps in the washing, plays with the children, and on her days out +she stays at home and does sewing." + +Bessie laughed. "She must be a regular Koh-i-noor," she said. "I +suppose Mr. Bradley pays her a thousand dollars a month." + +"No, he doesn't; he pays her twelve," said Thaddeus. + +"Then he is just what I said he was," snapped Bessie--"a mean thing. +The idea--twelve dollars a month for all that! Why, if she could +prove she was all that you say she is, she could make ten times that +amount by exhibiting herself. She is a curiosity. But if I were +Mrs. Bradley I wouldn't have her in the house. So many virtues +piled one on the other are sure to make an unsafe structure, and I +believe some poor, miserable little vice will crop out somewhere and +upset the whole thing." + +"You are jealous," said Thaddeus; and then he went out. + +The next day, meeting his friend Bradley on the street, Thaddeus +greeted him with a smile, and said, "Mrs. Perkins thinks you ought +to take up literature." + +"Why so?" asked Bradley. + +"She thinks De Foe and Scott and Dumas and Stevenson would be thrown +into the depths of oblivion if you were to write up that jewel of +yours," said Thaddeus. "She thinks your Mary is one of the finest, +most imaginative creations of modern days." + +"She doubts her existence, eh?" smiled Bradley. + +"Well, she thinks she's more likely to be a myth than a Smith," said +Thaddeus. "She told me to ask you if Mary has a twin-sister, and to +say that if you hear of her having any relatives at all--and no +domestic ever lived who hadn't--to send her their addresses. She'd +like to employ a few." + +"I am sorry Mrs. Perkins is so blinded by jealousy," said Bradley, +with a smile. "And I regret to say that Mary hasn't a cousin on the +whole police force, or, in fact, any kind of a relative whatsoever, +unless she prevaricates." + +"Too bad," said Thaddeus. "I had a vague hope we could stock up on +jewels of her kind. Where did you get her, anyhow--Tiffany's?" + +"No. At an unintelligence office," said Bradley. "She was a last +resort. We had to have some one, and she was the only girl there. +We took her for a week on trial without references, and, by Jove! +she turned out a wonder." + +Thaddeus grinned, and said: "Give her time, Bradley. By-the-way, +at what hours is she on exhibition? I'd like to see her." + +"Come up to-night and test the truth of what I say," said Bradley. +"I won't let anybody know you are coming, and you'll see her just as +we see her. What do you say?" + +The temptation was too strong for Thaddeus to resist, and so it was +that Bessie received a telegram that afternoon from her beloved, +stating that he would dine with Bradley, and return home on a late +train. The telegram concluded with the line, "I'M GOING TO APPRAISE +THE ESCAPED CROWN-JEWEL." + +Bessie chuckled at this, and stayed up until long after the arrival +of the last train, so interested was she to hear from Thaddeus all +about the Bradley jewel, who, as she said, "seemed too good to be +true"; but she was finally forced to retire disappointed and +somewhat anxious, for Thaddeus did not return home that night. + +Somewhere in the neighborhood of eight o'clock the next morning +Bessie received a second telegram, which read as follows: + +"DO NOT WORRY. I AM ALL RIGHT. WILL BE HOME ABOUT NINE, HAVE +BREAKFAST." + +"Now I wonder what on earth can have kept him?" Bessie said. +"Something has happened, I am sure. Perhaps an accident on the +elevated, or maybe--" + +She did not finish the sentence, but rushed into the library and +snatched up the morning paper, scanning its every column in the +expectation, if not hope, of finding that some horrible disaster had +occurred, in which her Thaddeus might have been involved. The paper +disclosed nothing of the sort. Only a few commonplace murders, the +usual assortment of defalcations, baseball prophecies, and political +prognostications could Bessie discover therein. Never, in fact, had +the newspaper seemed so uninteresting--not even a bargain-counter +announcement was there--and with an impatient, petulant stamp of her +little foot she threw the journal from her and returned to the +dining-room. It was then half-past eight, and, hardly able to +contain herself with excitement, Bessie sat down by the window, and +almost, if not quite, counted every swing of the pendulum that +pushed the hands of the clock on to the desired hour. She could not +eat, and not until curiosity was gratified as to what it was that +had detained Thaddeus, and what, more singular still, was bringing +him home instead of sending him to business at nine o'clock in the +morning, could she, in fact, do anything. + +Finally, the grinding sounds of carriage wheels on the gravel road +without were heard, and in an instant Bessie was at the door to +welcome the prodigal. And what a Thaddeus it was that came home +that morning! His eyes showed conclusively that he had had no +sleep, save the more or less unsatisfactory napping which suburban +residents get on the trains. His beautiful pearl-gray scarf, that +so became him when he left home the previous morning, was not +anywhere in sight. His cheek was scratched, and every button that +his vest had ever known had taken wings unto itself and flown, +Bessie knew not whither. And yet, tired out as he was, dishevelled +as he was, Thaddeus was not grumpy, but inclined rather to explosive +laughter as he entered the house. + +"Why, Thaddeus!" cried Bessie, in alarm. "What on earth is the +matter with you? You look as if you had been in a riot." + +"That's a pretty good guess, my dear," returned Thaddeus, with a +laugh, "but not quite the right one." + +"But tell me, what have you been doing? Where have you been?" + +"At Bradley's, my love." + +"You haven't been--been quarrelling with Mr. Bradley?" + +"No. Bradley's jewel has proved your husband's Waterloo, as well as +the Sedan of Bradley himself," returned Thaddeus, throwing his head +back and bursting out into a loud guffaw. + +"I am not good at riddles, Thaddeus," said Bessie, "and I haven't +laughed much myself since that last train came in last night and +didn't bring you. I think you might tell me--" + +"Why, my dear little girl," said Thaddeus, walking to her side and +kissing her, "I didn't mean to keep you in suspense, and of course +I'll tell you." + +Then, as they ate their breakfast, Thaddeus explained. "I told +Bradley that you were a sceptic on the subject of his jewel," he +said, "and he offered to prove that she was eighteen carats fine by +taking me home with him, an unexpected guest, by which act he would +test her value to my satisfaction. Of course, having cast doubts +upon her excellence, I had to accept, and at half-past five he and I +boarded an elevated train for Harlem. At six we stood before +Bradley's front door, and as he had left his keys at the office, he +rang the bell and waited. It was a long wait, considering the +presence of a jewel within doors. It must have lasted fifteen +minutes, and even that would have been but the beginning, in spite +of repeated and continuous pulling of the bell-handle, had we not +determined to enter through the reception-room window." + +"Did you try the basement door?" queried Bessie, with a smile, for +it pleased her to hear that the jewel was not quite flawless. + +"Yes," said Thaddeus. "We rang four times at the basement, and I +should say seven times at the front door, and then we took to the +window. Bradley's is one of those narrow English-basement houses +with a small yard in front, so that the reception-room window is +easy to reach by climbing over the vault leading to the basement +door, which is more or less of a cellar entrance. Fortunately the +window was unlocked. I say fortunately, because it enabled us to +get into the house, though if I were sitting on a jury I think I +should base an indictment--one of criminal negligence--of the Jewel +on the fact that it was unlocked. It was just the hour, you know, +when policemen yawn and sneak-thieves prowl." + +"How careless!" vouchsafed Bessie. + +"Very," said Thaddeus. "But this time it worked for the good of all +concerned, although my personal appearance doesn't give any +indication that I gained anything by it. In fact, it would have +been better for me if the house had been hermetically sealed." + +"Don't dally so much, Thaddeus," put in Bessie. "I'm anxious to +hear what happened." + +"Well, of course Bradley was very much concerned," continued +Thaddeus. "It was bad enough not to be able to attract the maid's +attention by ringing, but when he noticed that the house was as dark +as pitch, and that despite the clanging of the bell, which could be +heard all over the neighborhood, even his wife didn't come to the +door, he was worried; and he was more worried than ever when he got +inside. We lit the gas in the hall, and walked back into the +dining-room, where we also lighted up, and such confusion as was +there you never saw! The table-cloth was in a heap on the floor; +Bradley's candelabra, of which he was always so proud, were bent and +twisted out of shape under the table; glasses broken beyond +redemption were strewn round about; and a mixture of pepper, salt, +and sugar was over everything." + +"'I believe there have been thieves here,' said Bradley, his face +turning white. And then he went to the foot of the stairs and +called up to his wife, but there no answer. + +"Then he started on a dead run up the stair. Above all was in +confusion, as in the dining-room. Vases were broken, pictures hung +awry on the walls; but nowhere was Mrs. Bradley or one of the +Bradley children to be seen. + +"Then we began a systematic search of the house. Everywhere +everything was upside-down, and finally we came to a door on the +third story back, leading into the children's play-room, and as we +turned the knob and tried to open it we heard Mrs. Bradley's voice +from within. + +"'Who's there?' she said, her voice all of a tremble. + +"'It is I!' returned Bradley. 'Open the door. What is the meaning +of all this?' + +"'Oh, I'm so glad you have come!' returned Mrs. Bradley, with a sob, +and then we heard sounds as of the moving of heavy furniture. Mrs. +Bradley, for some as yet unexplained reason, seemed to have +barricaded herself in. + +"Finally the door was opened, and Mrs. Bradley buried her face on +her husband's shoulder and sobbed hysterically. + +"'What on earth is the matter?' asked Bradley, as his children +followed their mother's lead, except that they buried their faces in +his coat-tail pockets. 'What has happened?' + +"'Mary!' gasped Mrs. Bradley." + +"The jewel?" asked Bessie. + +"The same," returned Thaddeus, with a smile. "She was the jewel, +alas! now deprived of her former glorious setting. + +"'What's the matter with Mary?' asked Bradley. + +"'She's been behaving outrageously. I found her this morning,' said +Mrs. Bradley, 'rummaging through my escritoire, throwing things all +over the floor; and when I remonstrated she said she was looking for +a sheet of paper on which to write a letter. I told her she should +have asked me for it, and she replied impertinently that she never +asked favors of anybody. I told her to leave the room, and she +declined to do it, picking up a sofa-pillow and throwing it at me. +I was so overcome I nearly fainted.'" + +"I should think she would have been overcome! Such impudence!" said +Bessie. + +"Humph!" said Thaddeus. "That isn't a marker to what followed. +Why, according to Mrs. Bradley's story, that escaped Koh-i-noor +called her all sorts of horrible names, threw an empty ink-pot at a +photograph of Bradley himself, that stood on the mantel, and then, +grabbing up a whisk-broom, literally swept everything else there was +on the mantel off to the floor with it. This done, she began to +overturn chairs with an ardor born of temper, apparently; and, +finally, Mrs. Bradley got so frightened that she ran from the room, +and the jewel started in pursuit. Straight to the nursery ran the +lady of the house--for there was where the children were, playing +house, no doubt, with little idea that jewels sometimes +deteriorated. Once in the nursery, Mrs. Bradley slammed the door +to, locked it, and then, still fearful, rolled before it the bureau +and the children's cribs. After that the actions of the jewel could +only be surmised. The door was pounded and the atmosphere of the +hall was rent with violent harangues; then a hurried step was heard +as the jewel presumably sailed below-stairs; then crashings were +heard--crashings which might have indicated the smashing of windows, +of picture-glass, of mirrors, chairs, and other household +appurtenances, after which, Mrs. Bradley observed, all became +still." + +"Mercy! what a trial!" said Bessie. "And was she locked up in the +nursery all day?" + +"From twelve until we rescued her at a little after six," said +Thaddeus. "Then Bradley and I started out to find the jewel, if +possible, and I regret to say that it was possible. We found her +asleep on the kitchen table, and Bradley hadn't any more sense than +to try and wake her up. He succeeded too well. For the next ten +minutes she was the most wide-awake woman you ever saw, and she kept +us wide awake too. The minute she opened her eyes and saw us +standing before her, she sprang to her feet and made a rush at +Bradley, for which he was totally unprepared, the consequence of +which was that in an instant he found himself sitting in a very +undignified manner, for the head of the house, on the kitchen floor, +trying to collect his somewhat scattered faculties. + +"When she had persuaded Bradley to take a seat, she turned to shower +her attentions on me. I jumped to one side, but she managed to grab +hold of my vest, and hence its buttonless condition. By this time +Bradley was on his feet again, and, having had the temerity to face +his jewel the second time, he again came off second best, losing one +of the button-holes of his collar in the melee. I rushed in from +behind, and flirtatiously, perhaps, tried to grab hold of her hands, +coming off the field minus a necktie, but plus that picturesque +scratch you see on my nose. Stopping a moment to count up my profit +and loss, I let Bradley make the next assault, which resulted in a +drawn battle, Bradley losing his watch and his temper, the jewel +losing her breath and her balance. So it went on for probably three +or four minutes longer, though we certainly acquired several years +of experience in those short minutes, until finally we managed to +conquer her. This done, we locked her up in a closet." + +"Had she been at the cooking-sherry?" asked Bessie. + +"We thought so at first, and Bradley sent for a policeman," said +Thaddeus "but when he came we found the poor creature too exhausted +to be moved, and in a very short while Mrs. Bradley decided that it +was a case for a doctor and not for a police-justice. So the doctor +was summoned, and we waited, dinnerless, in the dining-room for his +verdict, and finally it came. BRADLEY'S JEWEL WAS INSANE!" + +"Insane!" echoed Bessie. + +"Mad as a hatter," replied Thaddeus. + +"Well, I declare!" said Bessie, thoughtfully. "But, Thaddeus, do +you know I am not surprised." + +"Why, my dear?" he asked. + +"Because, Teddy, she was too perfect to be in her right mind." + +And Thaddeus, after thinking it all over, was inclined to believe +that Bessie was in the right. + +"Yes, Bess, she was perfect--perfect in the way she did her work, +perfect in the way she smashed things, and nowhere did she more +successfully show the thoroughness with which she did everything +than when it came to removing the buttons from my vest. Isn't it +too bad that the only perfect servant that ever lived should turn +out to be a hopeless maniac? But I must hurry off, or I'll miss my +train." + +"You are not going down to town to-day?" asked Bessie. + +"To-day, above all other days, am I going down," returned Thaddeus. +"I am enough of a barbarian to be unwilling to lose the chance of +seeing Bradley, and asking him how he and his jewel get along." + +"Thaddeus!" + +"Why not, my dear?" + +"It would be too mean for anything." + +"Well, perhaps you are right. I guess I won't. But he has rubbed +it into me so much about our domestics that I hate to lose the +chance to hit back." + +"Has he?" said Bessie, her face flushing indignantly, and, it may be +added, becomingly. "In that case, perhaps, you might--ha! ha!-- +perhaps you might telegraph and ask him." + +And Thaddeus did so. As yet he has received no reply. + + + +UNEXPECTED POMP AT THE PERKINS'S + + + +"My dear," said Thaddeus, one night, as he and Mrs. Perkins entered +the library after dinner, "that was a very good dinner to-night. +Don't you think so?" + +"All except the salmon," said Bessie, with a smile. + +"Salmon?" echoed Thaddeus. "Salmon? I did not see any salmon." + +"No," said Bessie, "that was just the trouble. It didn't come up, +although it was in the house before dinner, I'm certain. I saw it +arrive." + +"Ellen couldn't have known you intended it for dinner," said +Thaddeus. + +"Yes, she knew it was for dinner," returned Bessie, "but she made a +mistake as to whose dinner it was for. She supposed it was bought +for the kitchen-table, and when I went down-stairs to inquire about +it a few minutes ago it was fulfilling its assumed mission nobly. +There wasn't much left but the tail and one fin." + +"Well!" ejaculated Thaddeus, "I call that a pretty cool proceeding. +Did you give her a talking to?" + +"No," Bessie replied, shortly; "I despise a domestic fuss, so I +pretended I'd gone down to talk about breakfast. We'll have +breakfast an hour or two earlier to-morrow, dear." + +"What's that for?" queried Thaddeus, his eyes open wide with +astonishment. "You are not going shopping, are you?" + +"No, Teddy, I'm not; but when I got downstairs and realized that +Ellen had made the natural mistake of supposing the fish was for the +down-stairs dinner, this being Friday, I had to think of something +to say, and nothing would come except that we wanted breakfast at +seven instead of at eight. It doesn't do to have servants suspect +you of spying upon them, nor is it wise ever to appear flustered--so +mamma says--in their presence. I avoided both by making Ellen +believe I'd come down to order an early breakfast." + +"You are a great Bessie," said Thaddeus, with a laugh. "I admire +you more than ever, my dear, and to prove it I'd get up to breakfast +if you'd ordered it at 1 A.M." + +"You'd be more likely to stay up to it," said Bessie, "and then go +to bed after it." + +"There's your Napoleonic mind again," said Thaddeus. "I should +never have thought of that way out of it. But, Bess," he continued, +"when I was praising to-night's dinner I had a special object in +view. I think Ellen cooks well enough now to warrant us in giving a +dinner, don't you?" + +"Well, it all depends on what we have for dinner," said Bessie. +"Ellen's biscuits are atrocious, I think, and you know how lumpy the +oatmeal always is." + +"Suppose we try giving a dinner with the oatmeal and biscuit courses +left out?" suggested Thaddeus, with a grin. + +Bessie's eyes twinkled. "You make very bright after-dinner +speeches, Teddy," she said. "I don't see why we can't have a dinner +with nothing but pretty china, your sparkling conversation, and a +few flowers strewn about. It would be particularly satisfactory to +me." + +"They're not all angels like you, my dear," Thaddeus returned. +"There's Bradley, for instance. He'd die of starvation before we +got to the second course in a dinner of that kind, and if there is +any one thing that can cast a gloom over a dinner, it is to have one +of the guests die of starvation right in the middle of it." + +"Mr. Bradley would never do so ungentlemanly a thing," said Bessie, +laughing heartily. "He is too considerate a man for that; he'd +starve in silence and without ostentation." + +"Why this sudden access of confidence in Bradley?" queried Thaddeus. +"I thought you didn't like him?" + +"Neither I did, until that Sunday he spent with us," Bessie +answered. "I've admired him intensely ever since. Don't you +remember, we had lemon pie for dinner--one I made myself?" + +"Yes, I remember," said Thaddeus; "but I fail to see the connection +between lemon pie and Bradley. Bradley is not sour or crusty." + +"You wouldn't have failed to see if you'd watched Mr. Bradley at +dinner," retorted Bessie. "He ate two pieces of it." + +"And just because a man eats two pieces of lemon pie prepared by +your own fair hands you whirl about, and, from utterly disliking +him, call him, upon the whole, one of the most admirable products of +the human race?" said Thaddeus. + +"Not at all," Bessie replied, with a broad smile; "but I did admire +the spirit and politeness of the man. On our way home from church +in the morning we were talking about the good times children have on +their little picnics, and Mr. Bradley said he never enjoyed a picnic +in his life, because every one he had ever gone to was ruined by the +baleful influence of lemon pie." + +Thaddeus laughed. "Then he didn't like lemon pie?" he asked. + +"No, he hated it," said Bessie, joining in the laugh. "He added +that the original receipt for it came out of Pandora's box." + +"Poor Bradley!" cried Thaddeus, throwing his head back in a paroxysm +of mirth. "Hated pie--declared his feelings--and then to be +confronted by it at dinner." + +"He behaved nobly," said Bessie. "Ate his first piece like a man, +and then called for a second, like a hero, when you remarked that it +was of my make." + +"You ought to have told him it wasn't necessary, Bess," said +Thaddeus. + +"I felt that way myself at first," Bessie explained; "but then I +thought I wouldn't let him know I remembered what he had said." + +"I fancy that was better," said Thaddeus. "But about that dinner. +What do you say to our inviting the Bradleys, Mr. and Mrs. Phillips, +the Robinsons, and the Twinings?" + +"How many does that make? Eight besides ourselves?" asked Bessie, +counting upon her fingers. + +"Yes--ten altogether," said Thaddeus. + +"It can't be done, dear," said Bessie. "We have only eight fruit +plates." + +"Can't you and I go without fruit?" Thaddeus asked. + +"Not very well," laughed Bessie. "It would never do." + +"They might think the fruit was poisoned if we did, eh?" suggested +Thaddeus. + +"Besides, Mary never could serve dinner for ten; eight is her +number. Last time we had ten people, don't you remember, she +dropped a tray full of dishes, and poured the claret into the +champagne glasses?" + +"Oh, yes, so she did," said Thaddeus. "That's how we came to have +only eight fruit plates. I remember. I don't think it was the +number of people at the table, though. It was Twining caused the +trouble, he had just made the pleasant remark that he wouldn't have +an Irish servant in his house, when Mary fired the salute." + +"Then that settles it," said Bessie. "We'll cut the Twinings out, +and ask the others. I don't care much for Mrs. Twining, anyhow; +she's nothing but clothes and fidgets." + +"And Twining doesn't do much but ask you what you think of certain +things, and then tell you you are all wrong when he finds out," said +Thaddeus. "Yes, it's just as well to cut them off this time. We'll +make it for eight, and have it a week from Thursday night." + +"That's Mary's night off," said Bessie. + +"Then how about having it Friday?" + +"That's Maggie's night off, and there won't be anybody to mind the +baby." + +"Humph!" said Thaddeus. "I wish there were a baby safe-deposit +company somewhere. Can't your mother come over and look after him?" + +"No," said Bessie, "she can't. The child always develops something +every time mother comes. Not, of course, that I believe she gives +it to him, but she looks for things, don't you know." + +"Yes," said Thaddeus, "I know. Then make it Wednesday. That's my +busy day down-town, and I shan't be able to get home much before +half-past six, but if dinner is at seven, there will be time enough +for me to dress." + +"Very well," said Bessie. "I will write the invitations to-morrow, +and, meanwhile, you and I can get up the menu." + +"Oysters to begin with, of course," said Thaddeus. + +"I suppose so," said Bessie, "though, you remember, the last time we +had oysters you had to open them, because the man from the market +didn't get here until half-past seven." + +"And Ellen had never opened any except with a tack-hammer," said +Thaddeus. "Yes, I remember. But lightning never strikes twice in +the same place. Put down the oysters. Then we'll have some kind of +a puree--celery puree, eh?" + +"That will be very good if Ellen can be induced to keep it thick." + +"Perhaps we'd better tell her we want a celery consomme," suggested +Thaddeus. "Then it will be sure to be as thick as a dictionary." + +"I guess it will be all right," said Bessie. "What kind of fish?" + +"Bradley likes salmon; Robinson likes sole; Phillips likes +whitebait, and so do I." + +"We'll have whitebait," said Bessie, simply. "Then a saddle of +mutton?" + +"Yes, and an entree of some kind, and next individual ruddy ducks." + +"No Roman punch?" + +"We can get along without that, I think," said Thaddeus. "We want +to keep this dinner down to Mary's comprehension, and I'm afraid she +wouldn't know what to make of an ice in the middle of the dinner. +The chances are she'd want to serve it hot." + +"All right, Teddy. What next?" + +"I would suggest a lemon pie for Bradley," smiled Thaddeus. + +"What do you say to Ellen's making one of her tipsy-cakes?" +suggested Bessie. + +"Just the thing," said Thaddeus, smacking his lips with enthusiasm. +"I could eat a million of 'em. Then we can finish up with coffee +and fruit." + +So it was settled. The invitations were sent out, and Bessie +devoted her energies for the next ten days to making ready. + +Ellen's culinary powers were tested at every meal. For dinner one +night she was requested to prepare the puree, which turned out to be +eminently satisfactory. Thaddeus gave her a few practical lessons +in the art of opening oysters, an art of which he had become a +master in his college days--in fact, if his own words were to be +believed, it was the sole accomplishment he had there acquired which +gave any significance whatever to his degree of B. A.--so that in +case the "fish gentleman" failed to appear in time nothing +disastrous might result. Other things on the menu were also +ordered at various times, and all went so well that when Thaddeus +left home on the chosen Wednesday morning, it was with a serene +sense of good times ahead. The invited guests had accepted, and +everything was promising. + +As Thaddeus had said, Wednesday was his busy day, and never had it +been busier than upon this occasion. Everything moved smoothly, but +there was a great deal to move, and finally, when all was done, and +Thaddeus rose to leave his desk, it was nearly six o'clock, and +quite impossible for him to reach home before seven. "I shall be +late," he said, as he hurried off; and he was right. He arrived at +home coincidently with his guests, rushed to his room, and dressed. +But one glimpse had he of Bessie, and that was as they passed on the +stairs, she hurrying down to receive her guests, he hurrying up to +change his clothes. + +"Oh, Thad!" was all she said, but to Thaddeus it was disconcerting. + +"What is the matter, dear?" he asked. + +"Nothing; I'll tell you later. Hurry," she gasped, "or the dinner +will be spoiled." + +Thaddeus hurried as he never hurried before, and in fifteen minutes +walked, immaculate as to attire, into the drawing-room, where +Bessie, her color heightened to an unusual degree, and her usually +bright eyes fairly flaming with an unwonted brilliance, was +entertaining the Bradleys, the Phillipses, and the Robinsons. + +"Didn't expect me, did you?" said Thaddeus, as he entered the room. + +"No," said Bradley, dryly. "This is an unexpected pleasure. I +didn't even know you were a friend of the family." + +"Well, I am," said Thaddeus. "One of the oldest friends I've got, +in fact, which is my sole excuse for keeping you waiting. Old +friends are privileged--eh, Mrs. Robinson?" + +"Dinner is served," came a deep bass voice from the middle of the +doorway. + +Thaddeus jumped as if he had seen a ghost, and, turning to see what +could have caused the strange metamorphosis in the soprano tremolo +of Mary's voice, was astonished to observe in the parting of the +portieres not the more or less portly Mary, but a huge, burly, +English-looking man, bowing in a most effective and graceful fashion +to Mrs. Bradley, and then straightening himself up into a pose as +rigid and uncompromising as that of a marble statue. + +"What on earth--" began Thaddeus, with a startled look of inquiry at +Bessie. But she only shook her head, and put her finger to her +lips, enjoining silence, which Thaddeus, fortunately, had the good +sense to understand, even if his mind was not equal to the fathoming +of that other mystery, the pompous and totally unexpected butler. + +But if Thaddeus was surprised to see the butler, he was amazed at +the dinner which the butler served. Surely, he thought, if Ellen +can prepare a dinner like this, she ought to be above taking sixteen +dollars and a home a month. It was simply a regal repast. The +oysters were delicious, and the puree was superior to anything +Thaddeus had ever eaten in the line of soups in his life--only it +was lobster puree, and ten times better than Ellen's general run of +celery puree. He winked his eye to denote his extreme satisfaction +to Bessie when he thought no one was looking, but was overwhelmed +with mortification when he observed that the wink had been seen by +the overpowering butler, who looked sternly at him, as much as to +say, "'Ow wery wulgar!" + +"I must congratulate your cook upon her lobster puree, Mrs. +Perkins," said Mr. Phillips. "It is delicious." + +"Yes," put in Thaddeus. "But you ought to taste her celery puree. +She is undoubtedly great on purees." + +Bessie coughed slightly and shook her head at Thaddeus, and Thaddeus +thought he detected the germ of a smile upon the cold face of the +butler. He was not sure about it, but it curdled his blood just a +little, because that ghost of a smile seemed to have just a tinge of +a sneer in it. + +"This isn't the same cook you had last time, is it?" asked Bradley. + +"Yes," said Thaddeus. "Same one, though it was my wife who made +that lem--" + +"Thaddeus," interrupted Bessie, "Mrs. Robinson tells me that she and +Mr. Robinson are going down to New York to the theatre on Friday +night. Can't we all go?" + +"Certainly," said Thaddeus. "I'm in on any little diversion of that +sort. Why, what's this?--er--why, yes, of course. Phillips, you'll +go; and you, too, eh, Bradley?" + +Thaddeus was evidently much upset again; for, instead of the +whitebait he and Bessie had decided upon for their fish course, the +butler had entered, bearing in a toplofty fashion a huge silver +platter, upon which lay a superb salmon, beautifully cooked and +garnished. This he was now holding before Thaddeus, and stood +awaiting his nod of approval before serving it. Inasmuch as +Thaddeus not only expected whitebait, but had also never before seen +the silver platter, it is hardly surprising that he should sit +staring at the fish in a puzzled sort of way. He recovered shortly, +however, gave the nod the butler was waiting for, and the dinner +proceeded. And what a dinner it was! Each new course in turn +amazed Thaddeus far more than the course that had preceded it; and +now, when the butler, whom Thaddeus had got more or less used to, +came in bearing a bottle of wine, followed by another stolid, well- +dressed person, who might have been his twin-brother and who was in +reality no more than assistant to the other, Thaddeus began to fear +that the wine he had partaken of had brought about that duplication +of sight which is said to be one of the symptoms of over-indulgence. +Either that or he was dreaming, he thought; and the alternative was +not a pleasant one, for Thaddeus did not over-indulge, and as a +person of intellect he did not deem it the proper thing to dream at +the dinner-table, since the first requisite of dreaming is falling +asleep. This Thaddeus never did in polite society. + +To say that he could scarcely contain himself for curiosity to know +what had occurred to bring about this singular condition of affairs +is to put it with a mildness which justice to Thaddeus compels me to +term criminal. Yet, to his credit be it said, that through the +whole of the repast, which lasted for two hours, he kept silent, and +but for a slight nervousness of manner no one would have suspected +that he was not as he had always been. Indeed, to none of the +party, not even excepting his wife, did Thaddeus appear to be +anything but what he should be. But when, finally, the ladies had +withdrawn and the men remained over the coffee and cigars, he was +compelled to undergo a still severer test upon his loyalty to +Bessie, whose signal to him to accept all and say nothing he was so +nobly obeying. + +Bradley began it. "I didn't know you'd changed from women to men +servants, Perkins?" + +"Yes," said Thaddeus "we've changed." + +"Rather good change, don't you think?" + +"Splendid," said Phillips. "That fellow served the dinner like a +prince." + +"I don't believe he's any more than a duke, though," said Bradley. +"His manner was quite ducal--in fact, too ducal, if Perkins will let +me criticise. He made me feel like a poor, miserable, red-blooded +son of the people. I wanted an olive, and, by Jove, I didn't dare +ask for it." + +"That wasn't his fault," said Robinson, with a laugh. "You forget +that you live in a country where red blood is as good as blue. +Where did you get him, Thaddeus?" + +Thaddeus looked like a rat in a corner with a row of cats to the +fore. + +"Oh!--we--er--we got him from--dear me! I never can remember. Mrs. +Perkins can tell you, though," he stammered. "She looks after the +menagerie." + +"What's his name?" asked Phillips. + +Thaddeus's mind was a blank. He could not for the life of him think +what name a butler would be likely to have, but in a moment he +summoned up nerve enough to speak. + +"Grimmins," he said, desperately. + +"Sounds like a Dickens' character," said Robinson. "Does he cost +you very much?" + +"Oh no--not so very much," said Thaddeus, whose case was now so +desperate that he resolved to put a stop to it all. Unfortunately, +his method of doing so was not by telling the truth, but by a flight +of fancy in which he felt he owed it to Bessie to indulge. + +"No--he doesn't cost much," he repeated, boldly. "Fact is, he is a +man we've known for a great many years. He--er--he used to be +butler in my grandfather's house in Philadelphia, and--er--and I was +there a great deal of the time as a boy, and Grimmins and I were +great friends. When my grandfather died Grimmins disappeared, and +until last month I never heard a word of him, and then he wrote to +me stating that he was out of work and poor as a fifty-cent table- +d'hote dinner, and would like employment at nominal wages if he +could get a home with it. We were just getting rid of our waitress, +and so I offered Grimmins thirty a month, board, lodging, and +clothes. He came on; I gave him one of my old dress-suits, set him +to work, and there you are." + +"I thought you said a minute ago Mrs. Perkins got him?" said +Bradley, who is one of those disagreeable men with a memory. + +"I thought you were talking about the cook," said Thaddeus, +uneasily. "Weren't you talking about the cook?" + +"No; but we ought to have been," said Phillips, with enthusiasm. +"She's the queen of cooks. What do you pay her?" + +"Sixteen," said Thaddeus, glad to get back on the solid ground of +truth once more. + +"What?" cried Phillips. "Sixteen, and can cook like that? Take me +down and introduce me, will you, Perkins? I'd like to offer her +seventeen to come and cook for me." + +"Let's join the ladies," said Thaddeus, abruptly. "There's no use +of our wasting our sweetness upon each other." + +If the head of the house had expected to be relieved from his +unfortunate embarrassments by joining the ladies, he was doomed to +bitter disappointment, for the conversation abandoned at the table +was resumed in the drawing-room. The dinner had been too much of a +success to be forgotten readily. + +Thaddeus's troubles were set going again when he overheard Phillips +saying to Bessie, "Thaddeus has been telling us the remarkable story +of Grimmins." + +Nor were his woes lightened any when he caught Bessie's reply: +"Indeed? What story is that?" + +"Why, the story of the butler--Grimmins, you know. How you came to +get him, and all that," said Phillips. "Really, you are to be +congratulated." + +"I am glad to know you feel that way," said Bessie, simply, with a +glance at Thaddeus which was full of wonderment. + +"He is a treasure," said Bradley; "but your cook is a whole chestful +of treasures. And how fortunate you and Thaddeus are! The idea of +there being anywhere in the world a person of such ability in her +vocation, and so poor a notion of her worth!" + +Thaddeus breathed again, now that the cook was under discussion. He +knew all about her. + +"Yes, indeed," said Bessie. "He did well." + +"I mean the cook," returned Bradley. "You mean she did well, don't +you?" + +What Bessie would have answered, or what Thaddeus would have done +next if the conversation had been continued, can be a matter of +unprofitable speculation only, for at this point a wail from above- +stairs showed that Master Perkins had awakened, and the ladies, +considerate of Bessie's maternal feelings, promptly rose to take +their leave, and in ten minutes she and Thaddeus were alone. + +"What on earth is the story of Grimmins, Thaddeus?" she asked, as +the door closed upon the departing guests. + +Thaddeus threw himself wearily down upon the sofa and explained. He +told her all he had said about the butler and the cook. + +"That's the story of Grimmins," he said, when he had finished. + +"Oh, dear me, dear me!" cried Bessie, "you told the men that, and +I--I, Thaddeus, told the women the truth. Why, it's--it's awful. +You'll never hear the end of it." + +"Well, now that they know the truth, Bess," Thaddeus said, "suppose +you let me into the secret. What on earth is the meaning of all +this--two butlers, silver platters, dinner fit for the gods, and +all?" + +"It's all because of the tipsy-cake," said Bessie. + +"The what?" asked Thaddeus, sitting up and gazing at his wife as if +he questioned her sanity. + +"The tipsy-cake," she repeated. "I gave Ellen the bottle of brandy +you gave me for the tipsy-cake, and--and she drank half of it." + +"And the other half?" + +"Mary drank that. They got word this morning that their brother was +very ill, and it upset them so I don't believe they knew what they +were doing; but at one o'clock, when I went down to lunch, there was +no lunch ready, and when I descended into the kitchen to find out +why, I found that the fire had gone out, and both girls were--both +girls were asleep on the cellar floor. They're there yet--locked +in; and all through dinner I was afraid they might come to, and-- +make a rumpus." + +"And the dinner?" said Thaddeus, a light breaking through into his +troubled mind. + +"I telegraphed to New York to Partinelli at once, telling him to +serve a dinner for eight here to-night, supplying service, cook, +dinner, and everything, and at four o'clock these men arrived and +took possession. It was the only thing I could do, Thad, wasn't +it?" + +"It was, Bess," said Thaddeus, gravely. "It was great; but--by +Jove, I wish I'd known, because--Did you really tell the ladies the +truth about it?" + +"Yes, I did," said Bessie. "They were so full of praises for +everything that I didn't think it was fair for me to take all the +credit of it, so I told them the whole thing." + +"That was right, too," said Thaddeus; "but those fellows will never +let me hear the end of that infernal Grimmins story. I almost wish +we--" + +"You wish what, Teddy dear?" + +"I almost wish we had not attempted the tipsy-cake, and had stuck to +my original suggestion," said Thaddeus. + +"What was that?" Bessie asked. + +"To have lemon pie for dessert, for Bradley's sake," answered +Thaddeus, as he locked the front door and turned off the gas. + + + +AN OBJECT-LESSON + + + +It was early in the autumn. Mr. and Mrs. Perkins, with their two +hopefuls, had returned from a month of rest at the mountains, and +the question of school for Thaddeus junior came up. + +"He is nearly six years old," said Bessie, "and I think he is quite +intelligent enough to go to school, don't you?" + +"Well, if you want my honest opinion," Thaddeus answered, "I think +he's intelligent enough to go without school for another year at +least. I don't want a hot-house boy, and I have always been opposed +to forcing these little minds that we are called upon by +circumstances to direct. It seems to me that the thing for us to do +is to hold them back, if anything. If Teddy goes to school now, +he'll be ready for college when he is twelve. He'll be graduated at +sixteen, and at twenty he'll be practising law. At twenty-five +he'll be leader of the bar; and then--what will there be left for +him to achieve at fifty? Absolutely nothing." + +Mrs. Perkins laughed. "You have great hopes for Teddy, haven't +you?" + +"Certainly I have," Thaddeus replied; "and why shouldn't I? Doesn't +he combine all my good qualities plus yours? How can he be anything +else than great?" + +"I am afraid there's a touch of vanity in you," said Mrs. Perkins, +with a smile. "That remark certainly indicates it." + +"No--it's not vanity in me," said Thaddeus. "It's confidence in +you. You've assured me so often of my perfection that I am +beginning to believe in it; and as for your perfection, I've always +believed in it. Hence, when I see Teddy combining your perfect +qualities with my own, I regard him as a supernaturally promising +person--that is, I do until he begins to show the influence of +contact with the hired man, and uses language which he never got +from you or from me." + +"Granting that he is great at twenty-five," said Mrs. Perkins, after +a few moments' reflection, "is that such a horrible thing?" + +"It isn't for the parents of the successful youth, but for the +successful youth himself it's something awful," returned Thaddeus, +with a convincing shake of the head. "If no one ever lived beyond +the age of thirty-five it wouldn't be so bad, but think of living to +be even so young as sixty, with a big reputation to sustain through +more than half of that period! I wouldn't want to have to sustain a +big name for twenty-five years. Success entails conspicuousness, +and conspicuousness makes error almost a crime. Put your mind on it +for a moment. Think of Teddy here. How nervous it would make him +in everything he undertook to feel that the eyes of the world were +upon him. And take into consideration that other peculiarity of +human nature which leads us all, you and me as well as every one +else, to believe that the man who does not progress is going +backward, that there is no such thing as standing still; then think +of a man illustrious enough for seventy at twenty-five--at the limit +of success, with all those years before him, and no progress +possible! No, my dear. Don't let's talk of school for Teddy yet." + +"I am sure I don't want to force him," said Mrs. Perkins, "but it +sometimes seems to me that he needs lessons in discipline. I can't +be following around after him all the time, and it seems to me some +days that I do nothing but find fault with him. I don't want him to +think I'm a stern mother; and when he tells me, as he did yesterday, +that he wishes I'd take a vacation for a month, I can't blame him." + +"Did he tell you that?" asked Thaddeus, with a chuckle. + +"Yes, he did," replied Mrs. Perkins. "I'd kept him in a chair for +an hour because he would tease Tommy, and when finally I let him go +I told him that he was wearing me out with his naughtiness. About +an hour later he came back and said, 'You have an awful hard time +bringin' me up, don't you?' I said yes, and added that he might +spare me the necessity of scolding him so often, to which he replied +that he'd try, but thought it would be better if I'd take a vacation +for a month. He hadn't much hope for his own improvement." + +Thaddeus shook internally. + +"He's perfectly wild, too, at times," Mrs. Perkins continued. "He +wants to do such fearful things. I caught him sliding down the +banisters yesterday head-foremost, and you know how he was at the +Mountain House all summer long. Perfectly irrepressible." + +"That's very true," said Thaddeus. "I was speaking of it to the +doctor up there, and asked him what he thought I'd better do." + +"And what did he say?" asked Mrs. Perkins. + +"He stated his firm belief that there was nothing you or I could do +to get him down to a basis, but thought Hagenbeck might accomplish +something." + +"No doubt he thought that," cried Bessie. "No doubt everybody +thought that, but it wasn't entirely Teddy's fault. If there is +anything in the world that is well calculated to demoralize an +active-minded, able-bodied child, it is hotel life. Teddy was egged +on to all sorts of indiscretions by everybody in the hotel, from the +bell-boys up. If he'd stand on his head on the cashier's desk, the +cashier would laugh first, and then, to get rid of him, would suggest +that he go into the dining-room and play with the headwaiter; and +when he upset the contents of his bait-box in Mrs. Harkaway's lap, +she interfered when I scolded him, and said she liked it. What can +you do when people talk that way?" + +"Get him to upset his bait-box in her lap again," said Thaddeus. "I +think if he had been encouraged to do that as a regular thing, every +morning for a week, she'd have changed her tune." + +"Well, it all goes to prove one thing," said Mrs. Perkins, "and that +is, Teddy needs more care than we can give him personally. We are +too lenient. Whenever you start in to punish him it ends up with a +game; when I do it, and he says something funny, as he always does, +I have to laugh." + +"How about the ounce-of-prevention idea?" suggested Thaddeus. +"We've let him go without a nurse for a year now--why can't we +employ a maid to look after him--not to boss him, but to keep an eye +on him--to advise him, and, in case he declines to accept the +advice, to communicate with us at once? All he needs is directed +occupation. As he is at present, he directs his own occupation, +with the result that the things he does are of an impossible sort." + +"That means another servant for me to manage," sighed Mrs. Perkins. + +"True; but a servant is easier to manage than Teddy. You can +discharge a servant if she becomes impossible. We've got Teddy for +keeps," said Thaddeus. + +"Very well--so be it," said Mrs. Perkins. "You are right, I guess, +about school. He ought not to be forced, and I'd be worried about +him all the time he was away, anyhow." + +So it was decided that Teddy should have a nurse, and for a day or +two the subject was dropped. Later on Mrs. Perkins reopened it. + +"I've been thinking all day about Teddy's nurse, Thaddeus," she +said, one evening after dinner. "I think it would be nice if we got +him a French nurse. Then he could learn French without any +forcing." + +"Good scheme," said Thaddeus. "I approve of that. We might learn a +little French from her ourselves, too." + +"That's what I thought," said Bessie and that point was decided. +The new nurse was to be French, and the happy parents drew beatific +visions of the ease with which they should some day cope with +Parisian hotel-keepers and others in that longed-for period when +they should find themselves able, financially, to visit the French +capital. + +But-- + +Ah! Those buts that come into our lives! Conjunctions they are +called! Are they not rather terminals? Are they not the +forerunners of chaos in the best-laid plans of mankind? If for +every "but" that destroys our plan of action there were ready always +some better-succeeding plan, then might their conjunctive force seem +more potent; as life goes, however, unhappily, they are not always +so provided, and the English "but" takes on its Gallic significance, +which leads the Frenchman to define it as meaning "the end." + +There was an object-lesson in store for the Perkinses. + +On the Sunday following the discussion with which this story opens, +the Perkinses, always hospitable, though distinctly unsociable so +far as the returning of visits went, received a visit from their +friends the Bradleys. Ordinarily a visit from one's town friends is +no very great undertaking for a suburban host or hostess, but when +the town friends have children from whom they are inseparable, and +those children have nurses who, whithersoever the children go, go +there also, such a visit takes on proportions the stupendousness of +which I, being myself a suburban entertainer, would prefer not to +discuss, fearing lest some of my friends with families, recalling +these words, might consider my remarks of a personal nature. Let me +be content with saying, therefore, that when the Bradleys, Mr. and +Mrs., plus Master and Miss, plus Harriet, the English nurse, came to +visit the Perkins homestead that Sunday, it was a momentous occasion +for the host and hostess, and, furthermore, like many another +momentous occasion, was far-reaching in its results. + +In short, it provided the Perkins family with that object-lesson to +which I have already alluded. + +The Bradleys arrived on Sunday night, and as they came late little +Harry Bradley and the still smaller Jennie Bradley were tired, and +hence not at all responsive to the welcomes of the Perkinses, large +or small. They were excessively reticent. When Mrs. Perkins, +kneeling before Master Harry, asked him the wholly unnecessary +question, "Why, is this Harry?" he refused wholly to reply; nor +could the diminutive Jennie be induced to say anything but "Yumps" +in response to a similar question put to her, "Yumps" being, it is +to be presumed, a juvenilism for "Yes, ma'am." Hence it was that +the object-lesson did not begin to develop until breakfast on Sunday +morning. The first step in the lesson was taken at that important +meal, when Master Harry observed, in stentorian yet sweetly soprano +tones: + +"Hi wants a glarse o' milk." + +To which his nurse, standing behind his chair to relieve the +Perkinses' maid of the necessity of looking after the Bradley +hopefuls, replied: + +"'Ush, 'Arry, 'ush! Wite till yer arsked." + +Mrs. Bradley nodded approval to Harriet, and observed quietly to +Mrs. Perkins that Harriet was such a treasure; she kept the children +so well in subjection. + +The incident passed without making any impression upon the minds of +any but Thaddeus junior, who, taking his cue from Harry, +vociferously asserted that he, too, wished a glass of milk, and in +such terms as made the assertion tantamount to an ultimatum. + +Then Miss Jennie seemed to think it was her turn. + +"Hi doan't care fer stike. Hi wants chickin," said she. "I'n't +there goin' ter be no kikes?" + +Mrs. Perkins laughed, though I strongly suspect that Thaddeus junior +would have been sent from the table had he ventured to express a +similar sentiment. Mrs. Bradley blushed; Bradley looked severe; +Perkins had that expression which all parents have when other +people's children are involved, and which implies the thought, "If +you were mine there'd be trouble; but since you are not mine, how +cunning you are!" But Harriet, the nurse, met the problem. She +said: + +"Popper's goin' ter have stike, Jinnie; m'yby Mr. Perkins'll give +yer lots o' gryvy. Hit i'n't time fer the kikes." + +Perhaps I ought to say to those who have not studied dialect as "she +is spoke" that the word m'yby is the Seven Dials idiom for maybe, +itself more or less an Americanism, signifying "perhaps," while +"kikes" is a controvertible term for cakes. + +After breakfast, as a matter of course, the senior members of both +families attended divine service, then came dinner, and after dinner +the usual matching of the children began. The hopefuls of Perkins +were matched against the scions of Bradley. All four were brought +downstairs and into the parental presence in the library. + +"Your Harry is a fine fellow, Mrs. Bradley," said Thaddeus. + +"Yes, we think Harry is a very nice boy," returned Mrs. Bradley, +with a fond glance at the youth. + +"Wot djer si about me, mar?" asked Harry. + +"Nothing, dear," replied Mrs. Bradley, raising her eyebrows +reprovingly. + +"Yes, yer did, too," retorted Harry. "Yer said as 'ow hi were a +good boy." + +"Well, 'e i'n't, then," interjected Jennie. "'E's a bloomin' mean +un. 'E took a knoife an' cut open me doll." + +"'Ush, Jinnie, 'ush!" put in the nurse. "Don't yer tell tiles on +'Arry. 'E didn't mean ter 'urt yer doll. 'Twas a haxident." + +"No, 'twasn't a haxident," said Jennie. "'E done it a-purpice." + +"Well, wot if hi did?" retorted Harry. "Didn't yer pull the tile +off me rockin'-'orse?" + +"Well, never mind," said Bradley, seeing how strained things were +getting. "Don't quarrel about it now. It's all done and gone, and +I dare say you were both a little to blame." + +"'Hi war'n't!" said Harry, and then the subject was dropped. The +children romped in and out through the library and halls for some +time, and the Bradleys and Perkinses compared notes on various +points of interest to both. After a while they again reverted to +the subject of their children. + +"Does Harry go to school?" asked Bessie. + +"No, we think he's too young yet," returned Mrs. Bradley. "He +learns a little of something every day from Harriet, who is really a +very superior girl. She is a good servant. She hasn't been in this +country very long, and is English to the core, as you've probably +noticed, not only in her way of comporting herself, but in her +accent." + +"Yes, I've observed it," said Bessie. "What does she teach him?" + +"Oh, she tells him stories that are more or less instructive, and +she reads to him. She's taught him one or two pretty little songs-- +ballads, you know--too. Harry has a sweet little voice. Harry, +dear, won't you sing that song about Mrs. Henry Hawkins for mamma?" + +"Don't warn'ter," said Harry. "Hi'm sick o' that bloomin' old +song." + +"Seems to me I've heard it," said Thaddeus. "As I remember it, +Harry, it was very pretty." + +"It is," said Bradley. "It's the one you mean--'Oh, 'Lizer! dear +'Lizer! Mrs. 'Ennery 'Awkins.' Harry sings it well, too; but I +say, Thad, you ought to hear the nurse sing it. It's great." + +"I should think it might be." + +"She has the accent down fine, you know." + +"Sort of born to it, eh?" + +"Yes; you can't cultivate that accent and get it just right." + +"I'll do 'Dear Old Dutch' for yer," suggested Harry. "Hi likes thet +better 'n 'Mrs. 'Awkins.'" + +So Harry deserted "Mrs. 'Awkins" and sang that other pathetic +coster-ballad, "Dear Old Dutch," and, to the credit of Harriet, the +nurse, it must be said that he was marvellously well instructed. It +could not have been done better had the small vocalist been the own +son of a London coster-monger instead of the scion of an American +family of refinement. + +Thus the day passed. Jennie proved herself quite as proficient in +the dialect of Seven Dials as was Harry, or even Harriet, and when +she consented to stand on a chair and recite a few nursery rhymes, +there was not an unnoticed "h" that she did not, sooner or later, +pick up and attach to some other word to which it was not related, +as she went along. + +In short, as far as their speech was concerned, thanks to +association with Harriet, Jennie and Harry were as perfect little +cockneys as ever ignored an aspirate. + +The visit of the Bradleys, like all other things, came to an end, +and Bessie, Thaddeus, and the children were once more left to +themselves. Teddy junior, it was observed, after his day with +Harry, developed a slight tendency to misplace the letter "h" in his +conversation, but it was soon corrected, and things ran smoothly as +of yore. Only--the Only being the natural sequence of the But +referred to some time since--Mr. and Mrs. Perkins changed their +minds about the French nurse, and it came about in this way: + +"Thaddeus," said Bessie, after the Bradleys had departed, "what is +the tile of a rockin'-'orse?" + +"I don't know. Why?" asked Thaddeus. + +"Why, don't you remember," she said, "young Harry Bradley accused +Jennie of pulling out the tile of his rockin'-'orse?" + +"Oh yes! Ha, ha!" laughed Thaddeus. "So she did. I know now. +Tile is cockney for tail." + +"Did you notice the accent those children had?" + +"Yes." + +"All got from the nurse, too?" + +"True." + +"Ah, Teddy, what do you think of our getting a French maid, after +all? Don't you think that we'd run a great risk?" + +"Of what?" + +"Of having Ted speak--er--cockney French." + +"H'm--yes. Very likely," said Thaddeus. "I'd thought of that +myself, and, I guess, perhaps we'd better stick to Irish." + +"So do I. We can correct any tendency to a brogue, don't you +think?" + +"Certainly," said Thaddeus. "Or, if we couldn't, it wouldn't be +fatal to the boy's prospects. It might even help him if he--" + +"Help him? If what?" + +"If he ever went into polities," said Perkins. + +And that was the object-lesson which a kindly fate gave to the +Perkinses in time to prevent their engaging a French maid for the +children. + +As to its value as a lesson, as to the value of its results, those +who are familiar with French as spoken by nurse-instructed youths +can best judge. + +I am not unduly familiar with that or any other kind of French, but +I have ideas in the matter. + + + +THE CHRISTMAS GIFTS OF THADDEUS + + + +That you may thoroughly comprehend how it happened that on last +Christmas Day Thaddeus meted out gifts of value so unprecedented to +the domestics of what he has come to call his "menagerie"--the term +menage having seemed to him totally inadequate to express the state +of affairs in his household--I must go back to the beginning of last +autumn, and narrate a few of the incidents that took place between +that period and the season of Peace on Earth and Good-will to Men. +Should I not do so there would be many, I doubt not, who would deem +Thaddeus's course unjustifiable, especially when we are all agreed +that Christmas Day should be for all sorts and conditions of men the +gladdest, happiest day of all the year. + +Thaddeus and Bessie and the little Thad had returned to their +attractive home after an absence of two months in a section of the +Adirondacks whither the march of civilization had not carried such +comforts as gas, good beds, and other luxuries, to which the little +family had become so accustomed that real camp-life, with its beds +of balsam, lights of tallow, and "fried coffee," possessed no charms +for them. They were all renewed in spirit and quite ready to embark +once more upon the troubled seas of house-keeping; and, as they saw +it on that first night at home, their crew was a most excellent one. +The cook rose almost to the exalted level of a chef in the +estimation of Thaddeus as course upon course, to the number of +seven, each made up of some delicacy of the season, came to the +table and received the indorsement which comes from total +consumption. They were well served, too, these courses; and the two +heads of the family, when Mary, the waitress, would enter the +butler's pantry, leaving them alone and unobserved, nodded their +satisfaction to each other across the snow-white cloth, and by means +of certain well-established signals, such as shaking their own hands +and winking the left eye simultaneously, with an almost vicious jerk +of the head, silently congratulated themselves upon the prospects of +a peaceful future in a domestic sense. + +"That was just the best dinner I have had in centuries," said +Thaddeus, as they adjourned to the library after the meal was over. +"The broiled chicken was so good, Bess, that for a moment I wished I +were a bachelor again, so that I could have it all; and after I got +over my first feeling of hesitation over the oysters, and realized +that it was September with an R--belated, it is true, but still +there--and ate six of them, I think I could have gone downstairs and +given cook a diamond ring with seven solitaires in it and a +receipted bill for a seal-skin sacque. I don't see how we ever +could have thought of discharging her last June, do you?" + +"It was a good dinner," said Bessie, discreetly ignoring the +allusion to their intentions in June; for she had a well-defined +recollection that at that time Bridget had given signs of emotional +insanity every time she was asked to prepare a five-o'clock +breakfast for Thaddeus and his friends, to the number of six, who +had acquired the habit of going off on little shooting trips every +Saturday, making the home of Thaddeus their headquarters over +Sunday, when the game the huntsmen had bagged the day before had to +be plucked, cleaned, and cooked by her own hands for dinner. "And +it was nicely selected, too," she added. "I sometimes think that +I'll let Bridget do the ordering at the market." + +"H'm! Well," said Thaddeus, shaking his head dubiously, "I haven't +a doubt that Bridget could do it, and would be very glad to do it; +but I don't believe in setting a cook up in business." + +"How do you mean?" + +"I mean that I haven't any doubt that Bridget would in a very short +time become a highly successful produce-broker with bull tendencies. +The chicken market would be buoyant, and the quotations on the Stock +Exchange of, say, B., S., and P.-U.-C.--otherwise, Beef, Succotash, +and Picked-Up-Codfish--would rise to the highest point in years. +Why, my dear, by Christmas-time cook would have our surplus in her +own pocket-book; and in the place of the customary five oranges and +an apple she would receive from the butcher a Christmas-card in the +shape of a check of massive, if not graceful, proportions. No, +Bess, I think the old way is the best." + +"Perhaps it is. By-the-way, John has kept the grounds looking well, +hasn't he? The lawn doesn't seem to have a weed on it," said +Bessie, walking to the window and gazing out at the soft velvety +sward in the glow of twilight. + +"Yes, it looks pretty well; but there's a small heap of stuff over +there near the fence which rather inclines me to believe that the +weeds have been pulled out within the last few days--in fact, since +you wrote to announce our return. John is an energetic man in an +emergency, and I haven't a doubt he has been here at least once a +week ever since we left. I'll keep a record of John this fall." + +And so the two contented home-comers talked happily along, and when +they closed their eyes in sleep that night they were, upon the +whole, very well satisfied with life. + +Weeks elapsed, and with them some of the air-castles collapsed. +Whether custom staled the infinite variety of the cook's virtues, +and age withered the efficiency of Mary, the waitress, or whether +something was really and radically wrong with the girls, Thaddeus +and Bessie could not make out. Certain it was, however, that by +slow degrees the satisfaction for which that first dinner seemed to +stand as guarantor wore away, and dissatisfaction entered the +household. Mary developed a fondness for church at most +inconvenient hours--hours at which in fact, neither Thaddeus nor +Bessie had ever supposed church could be. That it was eternal they +both knew, but they had always supposed there were intermissions. +Then the cook's family, which had hitherto been moderately +healthful, began to show signs of invalidism, though no such +calamity as actual dissolution ever set its devastating step within +the charmed circle of her relatives. Cousins fell ill whom she +alone could comfort; nephews developed maladies for which she alone +could care; and, according to Thaddeus's record, John had been +compelled on penalty of a fine to attend the funerals of some +twenty-four deceased intimate friends in less than two months, +although the newspapers contained no mention of the existence of a +possible epidemic in the Celtic quarter. It is true that John +showed a more pronounced desire to make his absence less +inconvenient to his employer than did Mary and the cook, by +providing a substitute when the Ancient Order of Funereal Hibernians +compelled him to desert the post of duty; but Thaddeus declared the +"remedy worse than the disease," for the reason that John's +substitute--his own brother-in-law--was a weaver by trade, whose +baskets the public did not appreciate, and whose manner of cutting +grass in the early fall and of tending furnace later on was +atrocious. + +"If I could hire that man in summer," Thaddeus remarked one night +when John's substitute had "fixed" the furnace so that the library +resembled a cold-storage room, "I think we could make this house an +arctic paradise. He seems to have a genius for taking warmth by the +neck and shaking enough degrees of heat out of it to turn a +conflagration into an iceberg. I think I'll tell the Fire +Commissioners about him." + +"He can't compare with John," was Bessie's answer to this. + +"No. I think that's why John sends him here when he is off riding +in carriages in honor of his deceased chums. By the side of Dennis, +John is a jewel." + +"John is very faithful with the furnace," said Bessie. "He never +lets it go down. Why, day before yesterday I turned off every +register in the house, and even then had to open all the windows to +keep from suffocating." + +"But that wasn't all John, my dear," said Thaddeus. "The Weather +Bureau had something to do with it. It was a warm day for this +season of the year, anyhow. If John could combine the two +businesses of selling coal and feeding furnaces, I think he would +become a millionaire. And, by-the-way, I think you ought to speak +to him, Bess, about the windows. Since you gave him the work of +window-cleaning to do, it is evident that he thinks I have nothing +to say in the matter, for he persistently ignores my requests that +he clean them in squares as they are made, and not rub up a little +circle in the middle, so that they look like blocks of opalescent +glass with plate-glass bulls'-eyes let into the centre. Look at +them now." + +"Dennis did that. John had to go to Mount Vernon with his militia +company to-day." + +"Dennis is well named, for his name is--But never mind. I'll credit +John with his twelfth day off in four weeks." + +From John to Bridget, in the matter of days off, was an easy step, +though such was Bessie's consummate diplomacy that Thaddeus would +probably have continued in ignorance of the extent to which Bridget +absented herself had they not both taken occasion one day to visit +some relatives in Philadelphia, and on their return home at night +found no dinner awaiting them. + +"What's the matter now?" asked Thaddeus, a little crossly, perhaps, +for visiting relatives in Philadelphia irritated him--possibly +because he and they did not agree in politics, and their assumption +that Thaddeus's party was entirely made up of the ignorant and self- +seeking was galling to him. "Why isn't dinner ready?" + +"Mary says that an hour after we left cook got a telegram from New +York saying that her brother was dying, and she had to go right +off." + +"I thought that brother was dying last week?" + +"No; that was her mother's brother, he got well. This is another +person entirely." + +"Naturally," snapped Thaddeus. "But next time we get a cook let's +have one whose relatives are all dead, or in the old country, where +they can't be reached. I'm tired of this business." + +"Well, you shouldn't be cross with me about it, Thad," said Bessie, +with a teary look in her eyes. "I have to put up with a great deal +more of it than you have, only you never know of it. Why, I've +cooked one-half of my own luncheons in the last month." + +"And the dinners, too, I'll wager," growled Thaddeus. + +"No; she's always got home for dinner heretofore." + +"Well, we'll keep a record-book for her, too, then. And we'll be +generous with her. We'll allow her just as I was allowed in +college--twenty-five per cent. in cuts. If she has twenty-five and +a fifth per cent., she goes." + +"I don't think I understand," said Bessie. + +"Well, we'll put it this way: There are thirty days in a month. +That means ninety meals a month. If she cooks sixty-seven and a +half of them she can stay; if she fails to cook the other twenty-two +and a half she can stay; but woe be unto her if she slips up by even +so little as a millionth part of the sixty-eighth!" + +"I don't see how you can manage the half part of it." + +"We'll leave that to her," said Thaddeus, firmly; "and, what is +more, we'll put John and Mary on the same basis, and Dennis we won't +have on any basis at all. A man who will take advantage of his +brother's absence at a wake to black the shoes of that brother's +only employer with stove-polish is not the kind of a man I want to +have around." + +"It will be a very good plan," said Bessie, "for all except Mary. +Her absences she cannot well avoid. She has to go to church." + +"How many times a week does she have to go?" queried Thaddeus. + +"She is required to go to confession." + +"Well, let her reform, and then she'll have nothing to go to +confession for. I don't believe that's where she goes, either. I +notice that one-half those evenings she takes off, permitting me to +mind the front door, and enabling us both to acquire proficiency in +the art of helping ourselves at dinner, there's a fireman's ball or +a policeman's hop or a letter-carriers' theatre party going on +somewhere in the county, and it's my belief the worshipping she does +on these occasions is at the shrine of Terpsichore or that of +Melpomene, which is a heathen custom and not to be tolerated here. +If she's so fond of living in church we can quote to her Hamlet's +advice to Ophelia--'Get thee to a nunnery!' Why, Bess, I was +mortified to death the other night when Bradley dined here, he's all +the time bragging about his menagerie, and I tried to bluff him out +and make him believe we were waited on by angels in disguise, and +you know what happened. He came, saw, and I was regularly knocked +out. You let us in; we waited on ourselves; cook had prepared the +seven-o'clock dinner at five to give her a chance to go to the +hospital to see her brother-in-law with the measles; John had one of +his Central-African fires on, and Bradley's laughing about it yet." + +"Mr. Bradley was very disagreeable the other night, anyhow," sniffed +Bessie. "He acted as if he were camping out!" + +"Well, I can't honestly say I blame him for that," retorted +Thaddeus. "It only needed a balsam bed and a hole in the roof to +let the rain in on him to complete the illusion." + +Finally, December came, and the tendencies of absenteeism on the +part of the servants showed no signs of abatement. They were +remonstrated with, but it made no difference. They didn't go out, +they declared, because they wanted to, but because they had to. +Cook couldn't let her relatives go unattended. Mary's religious +scruples simply dragged her out of the house, try as she would to +stay in; and as for John, as long as Dennis was on hand to take his +place he couldn't see why Mr. Perkins was dissatisfied. To tell the +truth, John had recently imbibed some more or less capitalistic--or +anticapitalistic--doctrines, and he was quite incapable of +understanding why, if a street-contractor, for instance, was +permitted by the laws of the land to sublet the work for which he +had contracted, he, John, should not be permitted to sublet his +contract to Dennis, piecemeal, or even as a whole, if he saw fit to +do so. + +Thaddeus, seeing that Bessie was very much upset by the condition of +affairs, had said little about it since Thanksgiving Day, when he +had said about as much as the subject warranted after a six-course +dinner had been hurried through in one hour, two courses having been +omitted that Bridget might catch the train leaving for New York at +3.10. Nor would he have said anything further than the final words +of dismissal had he not come home late one afternoon to dress for a +dinner at his club, when he discovered that, owing to the usual +causes, the week's wash, which the combined efforts of cook and +waitress should have finished that day, was delayed twenty-four +hours, the consequence being that Thaddeus had to telephone to the +haberdashery for a dress-shirt and collar. + +"It's bad enough having one's wife buy these things for one, but +when it comes to having a salesman sell you over a telephone the +style of shirt and collar 'he always wears himself,' it is +maddening," began Thaddeus, and then he went on at such an +outrageous rate that Bessie became hysterical, and Thaddeus's +conscience would not permit of his going out at all that night, and +that was the beginning of the end. + +"I'll fix 'em at Christmas-time," said Thaddeus. + +"You won't forget them at Christmas, I hope, Thad," said Bessie, +whose forgiving nature would not hear of anything so ungenerous as +forgetting the servants during the holidays. + +"No," laughed Thaddeus. "I won't forget 'em. I'll give 'em all the +very things they like best." + +"Oh, I see," smiled Bessie. "On the coals-of-fire principle. Well, +I shouldn't wonder but it would work admirably. Perhaps they'll be +so ashamed they'll do better." + +"Perhaps--if the coals do not burn too deep," said Thaddeus, with a +significant smile. + +Christmas Eve arrived, and little Thad's tree was dressed, the gifts +were arranged beneath it, and all seemed in readiness for the +dawning of the festal day, when Bessie, taking a mental inventory of +the packages and discovering nothing among them for the servants +save her own usual contribution of a dress and a pair of gloves for +each, turned and said to Thaddeus: + +"Where are the hot coals?" + +"The what?" asked Thaddeus. + +"The coals of fire for the girls and John." + +"Oh!" Thaddeus replied, "I have 'em in the library. I don't think +they'll go well with the tree." + +"What are they?" queried Bess, with a natural show of curiosity. +"Checks?" + +"Yes, partly," said Thaddeus. "Mary is to have a check for $16, +Bridget one for $18, and John one for $40." + +"Why, Thaddeus, that's extravagant. Now, my dear, there's no use of +your doing anything of that--" + +"Wait and see," said Thaddeus. + +"But, Teddy!" Bessie remonstrated. "Those are the amounts of their +wages. You will spoil them, and if I--" + +"As I said before, wait, Bess, wait!" said Thaddeus, calmly. +"You'll understand the whole scheme to-morrow, after breakfast." + +And she did, and when she did she almost wished for a moment that +she didn't, for after breakfast Thaddeus summoned the three +offenders into his presence, and the effect was not altogether free +from painful features to the forgiving Bess. + +"Bridget," Thaddeus said, "do you remember what Mrs. Perkins gave +you last Christmas?" + +"I do not!" replied Bridget, rather uncompromisingly; for it was a +matter of history that she thought Mrs. Perkins on the last +Christmas festival had shown signs of parsimony in giving her a +calico gown instead of one of silk. + +"Well, you won't forget next year what you got this," said Thaddeus, +dryly. "Here is an envelope containing $18, the amount of your +wages until January 1st. Mary, what did you get last Christmas?" + +"A box of candy, sir." + +"Nothing else?" + +"I believe there was a dress of some kind. I gave it to my cousin." + +"Good. I am glad you were so generous. Here is an envelope for +you. It has $16 in it, your wages up to January 1st." + +Bessie stood in the doorway, a mute witness to what seemed to her an +incomprehensible scene. + +"John, what did you get?" + +"Five dollars an' a day off." + +"And a two-dollar bill for Dennis, eh?" + +"Dennis got that." + +"True. Well, John, here's $40 for you--that pays you until January +1st. Now, it strikes me that, considering the behavior of you three +people, I am very generous to pay you your wages a week in advance, +but I am not going to stop there. I have studied you all very +carefully, and I've tried to discover what it is you are fondest of. +Cook and Mary do not seem to care much for dresses, though I believe +there are dresses and gloves under the tree for them, which fact +they will doubtless forget by next Christmas Day. The five dollars +and a day off John seems to remember, though from his manner of +recalling it I do not think his remembrance is a very pleasing one. +Now I've found out what it is you all like the best, and I'm going +to give it to you." + +Here the trio endeavored to appear gracious, though they were +manifestly uneasy and a bit dissatisfied with what John would have +called "the luks of t'ings." + +"Cook, from the 1st of January, may go to her relatives, and stay +until they're every one of them restored to health, if it takes +forty years. Mary may consider herself presented with sixty years' +vacation without pay; and for you, John, I have written this letter +of recommendation to the proprietors of a large undertaking +establishment in New York, who will, I trust, engage you as a chief +mourner, or perhaps hearse-driver, for the balance of your days. At +any rate, you, too, after January 1st, may consider yourself free to +go to any funeral or militia exercises, or anything else you may +choose to honor with your presence, at your own expense. You are +all given leave of absence without pay until further notice. I wish +you a merry Christmas. Good-morning." + +There were no farewells in the house that day; and inasmuch as there +was no Christmas dinner either, Thaddeus and Bessie did not miss the +service of the waitress, who, when last seen, was walking airily off +towards the station, accompanied by the indignant John and a bundle- +laden cook. Next day their trunks went also. + +"It was rather a hard thing to do on Christmas Day, Thaddeus," said +Bessie, a little later. + +"Oh no," quibbled Thaddeus. "It was very easy under the +circumstances, and quite appropriate. This is the time of peace on +earth and good-will to men. The only way for us to have peace on +earth was to get rid of those two women; and as for John, he has my +good-will, now that he is no longer in my employ." + + + +A STRANGE BANQUET + + + +"Thaddeus," said Bessie to her husband as they sat at breakfast one +morning, shortly after the royal banquet over which "Grimmins" had +presided, "did you hear anything strange in the house last night? +Something like a footstep in the hall?" + +"No," said Thaddeus. "I slept like a top last night. I didn't hear +anything. Did you?" + +"I thought so," said Bessie. "About two o'clock I waked up with a +start, and while it may have been a sort of waking dream, I was +almost certain I heard a rustling sound out in the hall, and +immediately after a creaking on the stairs, as though there was +somebody there." + +"Well, why on earth didn't you wake me, Bess?" returned Thaddeus. +"I could easily have decided the matter by getting up and +investigating." + +"That was why I didn't wake you, Teddy. I'd a great deal rather +lose the silver or anything else in the house a burglar might want +than have you hit on the head with a sand-club," said Bessie. "You +men are too brave." + +"Thank you," said Thaddeus, with a smile, as he thought of a certain +discussion he had had not long before at the club, in which he and +several other brave men had reached the unanimous conclusion that +the best thing to do at dead of night, with burglars in the house, +was to crawl down under the bedclothes and snore as loudly as +possible. "Nevertheless, my dear, you should have told me." + +"I will next time," said Bessie. + +"Was anything in the house disturbed?" Thaddeus asked. + +"No," said Bessie. "Not a thing, as far as I can find out. Mary +says that everything was all right when she came down, and the cook +apparently found things straight, because she hasn't said anything." + +So Thaddeus and Bessie made up their minds that the latter had been +dreaming, and that nothing was wrong. Two or three days later, +however, they changed their minds on the subject. There was +something decidedly wrong, but what it was they could not discover. +They were both awakened by a rustling sound in the hallway, outside +of their room, and this time there was a creak on the stairs that +was unmistakable. + +"Don't move, Thaddeus," said Bessie, in a terrified whisper, as +Thaddeus made a brave effort to get up and personally investigate. +"I wouldn't have you hurt for all the world, and there isn't a thing +down-stairs they can take that we can't afford to lose." + +Thaddeus felt very much as Bessie did, and it would have pleased him +much better to lie quietly where he was than run the risk of an +encounter with thieves. He had been brave enough in the company of +men to advocate cowardice in an emergency of just this sort, but now +that this same course was advocated by his wife, he saw it in a +different light. Prudence was possible, cowardice was not. He must +get up, and get up he did; but before going out of his room he +secured his revolver, which had lain untouched and unloaded in his +bureau-drawer for two years, and then advanced cautiously to the +head of the stairs and listened--Bessie meanwhile having buried her +face in her pillow as a possible means of assuaging her fears. It +is singular what a soothing effect a soft feather pillow sometimes +has upon the agitated nerves if the nose of the agitated person is +thrust far enough into its yielding surface. + +"Who is there?" cried Thaddeus, standing at the head of the stairs, +his knees all of a shake, but whether from fear or from cold, as an +admirer of Thaddeus I prefer not to state. + +Apparently the stage-whisper in which this challenge to a possible +burglar was uttered rendered it unavailing, for there was no reply; +but that there was some one below who could reply Thaddeus was now +convinced, for there were sounds in the library--sounds, however, +suggestive of undue attention to domestic duties rather than of that +which fate has mapped out for house-breakers. The library floor was +apparently being swept. + +"That's the biggest idiot of a burglar I've ever heard of," said +Thaddeus, returning to his room. + +"Wh-wha-what, d-dud-dear?" mumbled Mrs. Perkins, burying her ear in +the pillow for comfort now that she was compelled to take her nose +away so that she might talk intelligibly. + +"I say that burglar must be an idiot," repeated Thaddeus. "What do +you suppose he is doing now?" + +"Wh-wha-what, d-dud-dear?" asked Bessie, apparently unable to think +of any formula other than this in speaking, since this was the +second time she had used it. + +"He is sweeping the library." + +"Then you must not go down," cried Bessie, sitting up, and losing +her fear for a moment in her anxiety for her husband's safety. "A +burglar you might manage, but a maniac--" + +"I must go, Bess," said Thaddeus, firmly. + +"Then I'm going with you," said Mrs. Perkins, with equal firmness. + +"Now, Bess, don't be foolish," returned Thaddeus, his face assuming +a graver expression than his wife had ever seen there. "This is my +work, and it is none of yours. I positively forbid you to stir out +of this room. I shall be very careful, and you need have no concern +for me. I shall go down the backstairs and around by the porch, and +peep in through the library window first. The moonlight will be +sufficient to enable me to see all that is necessary." + +"Very well," acquiesced Bessie, "only do be careful." + +Thaddeus donned his long bath-robe, put on his slippers, and started +to descend. The stairs were so dark that he could with difficulty +proceed--and perhaps it was just as well for Thaddeus that they +were. If there had been light enough for him to see two great +glaring eyes that stared at him through that darkness out from the +passageway at the foot of the stairs, upon which he turned his back +when he went out upon the porch, it is not unlikely that a very +serious climax to his strange experience would have been reached +then and there. As it was, he saw nothing, but kept straight ahead, +stepped noiselessly out upon the piazza, crept stealthily along in +the soft light of the moon, until he reached the library window. +There he stopped and listened. All was still within--so still that +the beating of his heart seemed like the hammering of a sledge upon +an anvil by contrast. Then, raising himself cautiously upon his +toes, he peered through the window into the room, the greater part +of which was made visible by the wealth of the moon's light +streaming into it. + +"Humph!" said Thaddeus, after he had directed his searching gaze +into every corner. "There isn't anybody there at all. Most +incomprehensible thing I ever heard of." + +Rising, he walked back to the piazza door, and went thence boldly +into the library and lit the gas. His piazza observations were then +verified, for the room was devoid of life, save for Thaddeus's own +presence; but upon the floor before the hearth was a broom, and +there were evidences also that the sweeping sounds he had heard had +been caused by no less an instrument than this, for in the corner of +the fireplace was a heap of dust, cigar ashes, and scraps of paper, +which Thaddeus remembered had been upon the hearth in greater or +less quantity when he had turned out the gas to retire a few hours +before. + +"This is a serious matter," he said to himself. "Something is +wrong, and I doubt if there have been burglars in the house; but I +can ascertain that without trouble. If the doors and windows are +all secure the trouble is internal." + +Every accessible door and window on the basement and first floor was +examined, and, with the exception of the piazza door, which Thaddeus +remembered to have unlocked himself a few minutes before, every lock +was fastened. The disturbance had come from within. + +"And Bess must never know it," said he; "it would worry her to +death." And then came a thought to Thaddeus's mind that almost +stopped the beating of his heart. "Unless she has discovered it in +my absence," he gasped. In an instant he was mounting the stairs to +hasten to Bessie's side, as though some terrible thing were pursuing +him. + +"Well, what was it, Ted?" she asked, as he entered the room. + +Perkins gave a sigh of relief. All was safe enough above-stairs at +least. + +"Nothing much," said Thaddeus, in a moment. "There is no one +below." + +"But what could it have been?" + +"I haven't the slightest idea," said Thaddeus, "unless it was a +stray cat in the house. The sweeping sound may have been caused by +a cat scratching its collar--or purring--or--or--something. At any +rate, things appear to be all right, my dear, so let's go to sleep." + +Thaddeus's assumed confidence in the rightness of everything, rather +than his explanations, was convincing to Mrs. Perkins, and in a very +short while she was sleeping the sleep of the just and serene; but +to Thaddeus's eye there came no more sleep that night, and when +morning came he rose unrefreshed. There were two problems +confronting him. The first was to solve the mystery of the swept +library floor; the second was to do this without arousing his wife's +suspicions that anything was wrong. To do the first he deemed it +necessary to remain at home that day, which was easy, for Thaddeus +was more or less independent of office-work. + +"I'm glad you're not going down," said Mrs. Perkins, when he +announced his intention of remaining at home. "You will be able to +make up for your loss of sleep last night." + +"Yes," said Thaddeus. "It's the only thing I can do, I'm so played +out." + +Breakfast passed off pleasantly in spite of a great drawback--the +steak was burned almost to a crisp, and the fried potatoes were like +chips of wood. + +"Margaret seems to be unfamiliar with the art of cooking this +morning," said Thaddeus. + +"So it would seem," said Bessie. "This steak is horrible." + +"The worst part of it is," said Thaddeus, "she has erred on the +wrong side. If the steak were underdone it wouldn't be so bad. +Isn't it a pity Edison can't invent a machine to rarefy an overdone +steak?" + +"That would be a fine idea," smiled Bessie. "And to take a Saratoga +chip and make it less like a chip off a granite block." + +"I don't mind the potatoes so much," said Thaddeus. "I can break +them up in a bowl of milk and secure a gastronomic novelty that, +suitably seasoned, isn't at all bad, but the steak is hopeless." + +"Maybe she heard that cat last night, and thought it was a burglar, +just as we did," Bessie suggested. "I can't account for a breakfast +like this in any other way, can you?" + +"No," said Thaddeus, shortly, and then he had an idea; and when +Thaddeus had an idea he was apt to become extremely reticent. + +"Poor Thad!" thought Bessie, as she noted his sudden change of +demeanor. "He can't stand loss of sleep." + +The morning was spent by Thaddeus in the "noble pastime of +snooping," as he called it. The house was searched by him in a +casual sort of way from top to bottom for a clew to the mystery, but +without avail. Several times he went below to the cellar, +ostensibly to inspect his coal supply, really to observe the +demeanor of Margaret, the cook. Barring an unusual pallor upon her +cheek, she appeared to be as she always had been; but with the +waitress it was different. Mary was evidently excited over +something, but over what Thaddeus could not, of course, determine at +that time. Later in the day, however, the cause of her perturbation +came out, and Thaddeus's effort to keep Bessie from anxiety over the +occurrence of the night before was rendered unavailing. It was at +luncheon. The table was set in a most peculiar fashion. The only +china upon it was from an old set which had been discarded a year +previous to the time of this story, and Bessie naturally wanted to +know why, and the waitress broke down. + +"It's--it's all we have, ma'am," said she, her eyes filling with +tears. + +"All we have?" echoed Mrs. Perkins in surprise. "Why, what do you +mean? Where is the other set?" + +"I don't know," protested the waitress. + +"You don't know?" said Thaddeus, taking the matter in hand. "Why +don't you know? Isn't the china a part of your care?" + +"Yes, sir," replied the maid, "but--it's gone, sir, and I don't know +where." + +"When did you miss it?" asked Thaddeus. + +"Not until I came to set the table for lunch." + +"Was it in its proper place at breakfast-time?" + +"I didn't notice, sir. The breakfast dishes were all there, but I +don't remember seeing the other plates. I didn't think to look." + +"Then it wasn't a cat," said Bessie, sinking back into her chair; +"we have been robbed." + +"Well, it's the first time on record, I guess, that thieves have +ever robbed a man of his china," said Thaddeus, calmly. "Have you +looked for the plates?" he added, addressing the waitress. + +"No, sir," she replied, simply. "Where could I look?" + +"That's so--where?" said Bessie. "There isn't much use looking for +dishes when they disappear like that. They aren't like whisk-brooms +or button-hooks to be mislaid easily. We have been robbed; that's +all there is about that." + +"Oh, well," said Thaddeus, "let's eat lunch, and see about it +afterwards." + +This was quite easy to say, but to eat under the circumstances was +too much for either of the young householders. The luncheon left +the table practically untouched; and when it was over Thaddeus +called his man into the house, wrote a note to the police-station, +asking for an officer in citizen's clothes at once, and despatched +it by him, with the injunction to let very little grass grow under +his feet on the way down to headquarters. He then summoned the +waitress into the library. + +"Have you said anything to Margaret about the china?" he asked. + +"Yes, sir," she replied. + +"What did you say?" + +"I told her as how wasn't it funny the way it had went, sir." + +"And what did she say?" + +"Nothing, sir. Only she seemed to think it was funny, because she +laughed." + +"And what did you say then?" + +"Nothing, Mr. Perkins. Margaret and me have very little +conversation, because she don't fancy me, and prefers talkin' to +herself like." + +"H'm!" said Thaddeus. "Talks to herself, does she?" + +"All the time, sir," returned the waitress, "and she seems very fond +of it, sir. She laughs, and says things, and then laughs again. +She does it by the hour." + +"How long has this been going on?" + +"About a week, sir. I noticed it first last time I had my day out. +I didn't get in until nearly eleven o'clock, and I found her sitting +at the table havin' supper and talkin' and laughin' like as though +there was folks around." + +"She was entirely alone, was she?" asked Thaddeus. + +"Yes, sir." + +"What did you do when you came in?" + +"I said 'Hello' to her and sat down opposite to her at the table, +where there was a place set, and I told her I was glad she had +something to eat and a place set for me, because I hadn't had any +supper and I was hungry, sir." + +"Did she make any reply?" + +"No, sir. She looked at me kind of indignant, and turned out the +gas and went up to bed, leaving me in the dark." + +Thaddeus's brow grew thoughtful again. It wrinkled into a half- +dozen lines as he asked: + +"Why didn't you speak of this before?" + +"It ain't for me to be telling tales, Mr. Perkins," she said. "All +cooks as I've lived with is queer like, and I didn't think any more +about it." + +"All right," said Thaddeus. "You may go. Only, Mary, don't speak +of the plates again to Margaret. Say as little to her as you can, +in fact, about anything. If you notice anything queer, report to me +at once." + +The waitress left the room, and Thaddeus turned to his desk. It was +plain from his appearance that light was beginning to be let in on +places that up to this point had been more or less dark to him, +although, as a matter of fact, he could not in any way account for +the mystery of the vanished plates any more than he could for the +sweeping of the library in the still hours of the night. He had an +idea as to who the culprit was, and what that idea was is plain +enough to us, but the question of motive was the great puzzle to him +now. + +"If she did take them, why should she?" was the problem he was +trying to solve; and then, as if his trials were not already great +enough for one day, Bessie broke excitedly into the room. + +"Thaddeus!" she cried, "there's something wrong in this house; my +best table-cloth is missing, our dessert-spoons are gone, and what +do you suppose has happened?" + +"I don't know--a volcano has developed in the cellar, I suppose," +said Thaddeus. + +"No," said Bessie, "it isn't as bad as that; but the ice-cream man +has telephoned up to know whether we want the cream for dinner or +for eleven o'clock, according to the order as he understands it." + +"Well," said Thaddeus, "I don't see anything very unusual in an ice- +cream man's needing to be told three or four times what is expected +of him." + +"But I never ordered any cream at all," said Bessie. + +"Ah," said Thaddeus, "that's different. Did you tell Partinelli +so?" + +"I did, and he said he was sure he wasn't mistaken, because he had +taken the order himself." + +"From you?" + +"No, from Margaret." + +"Then it's all right," said Thaddeus; "it's a clew that fits very +nicely into my theory of our recent household disturbances. If you +will wait, I think things will begin to develop very shortly, and +then we shall be able to dismiss this indictment against the cat we +thought we heard last night." + +"Do you think Margaret is dishonest?" + +"I don't know," said Thaddeus. "I shouldn't be surprised if she had +friends with taking ways; in other words, my dear, I suspect that +Margaret is in league with people outside of this house who profit +by her mistaken notions as to how to be generous; but I can't prove +it yet." + +"But what are you going to do?" + +"Set a watch. I have sent for a detective," said Thaddeus. + +This was too much for Bessie. She was simply overcome, and she sat +squarely down upon the arm-chair, which fortunately was immediately +behind her. I think that if it had not been, she would have plumped +down upon the floor. + +"Detective!" she gasped. + +"Exactly," said Thaddeus, "and here he comes," he added, as a +carriage was driven up to the door and one of the citizen police +descended therefrom. + +"You would better leave us to talk over this matter together," said +Thaddeus, as he hastened to the door. "We shall be able to manage +it entirely, and the details might make you nervous." + +"I couldn't be more nervous than I am," said Bessie; "but I'll leave +you just the same." + +Whereupon she went to her room, and Thaddeus, for an hour, was +closeted with the detective, to which he detailed the whole story. + +"It's one of the two," said the latter, when Thaddeus had finished, +"and I agree with you it is more likely to be the cook than the +waitress. If it was the waitress, she couldn't have stood your +examination as well as you say she did. Perhaps I'd better see her, +though, and talk to her myself." + +"No, I shouldn't," said Thaddeus "we'll pass you off as a business +acquaintance of mine up from town, and you can stay all night and +watch developments." + +So it was arranged. The detective was introduced into the family as +a correspondent of Thaddeus's firm, and he settled down to watch the +household. Afternoon and evening went by without developments, and +at about eleven o'clock every light in the house was extinguished, +and the whole family, from the head of the house to the cook, had +apparently retired. + +At half-past eleven, however, there were decided signs of life +within the walls of Thaddeus's home. The clew was working +satisfactorily, and the complete revelation of the mystery was close +at hand. + +The remainder of the narrative can best be told in the words of the +detective: + +"When Mr. Perkins sent for me," he said, "and told me all that had +happened, I made up my mind that he had a servant in his house for +whom the police had been on the lookout for some time. I thought +she was a certain Helen Malony, alias Bridget O'Shaughnessy, alias +many other names, who was nothing more nor less than the agent of a +clever band of thieves who had lifted thousands of dollars of swag +in the line of household silver, valuable books, diamonds, and other +things from private houses, where she had been employed in various +capacities. I could not understand why she should have made 'way +with the dishes and Mrs. Perkins's table-cloth, but there's no +accounting for tastes of people in that line of business, so I +didn't bother much trying to reason that matter out. + +"After we'd had dinner and spent the evening in Mr. Perkins's +library, the family went to bed, and I pretended to do the same. +Instead of really going to bed, I waited my chance and slipped down +the stairs into the dining-room, and got under the table. At eleven +o'clock the maidservants went up to their rooms, and at quarter-past +there wasn't a light burning in the house. I sat there in the +dining-room waiting, and just as the clock struck half-past eleven I +heard a noise out on the stairs, and in less than half a minute a +sulphur match was struck almost over my head under the table, and +there stood the cook, her face livid as that of a dead person, and +in her hand she held a candle, which she lit with the match. From +where I was I could see everything she did, which was not much. She +simply gathered up all the table fixings she could, and started +down-stairs into the kitchen with 'em. Then I went up to Mr. +Perkins's room and called him. He put on his clothes and got out +his revolver, when we stole down-stairs together, leaving Mrs. +Perkins up-stairs, with her boy's nurse and the waitress to keep her +company. + +"In a second we were in the laundry, which was as dark as the ace of +spades, except where the light from four gas-jets in the kitchen +streamed in through the half-open door. Mr. Perkins was for +pouncing in on the cook at once, but I was after the rest of the +gang as much as I was for the cook, and I persuaded him to wait; +and, by thunder, we were paid for waiting. It was the queerest case +I ever had. + +"That woman--looking for all the world like a creature from some +other part of the universe than this earth, her eyes burning like +two huge coals, her checks as yellow and clear as so much wax, and +her lips blue-white, with a great flaming red tongue sort of laid +between them--worked like a slave cleaning the floor, polishing the +range, and scrubbing the table. Then she dusted all the chairs, +and, producing the missing table-cloth, she laid it snow-white upon +the table. In two minutes more the lost china was brought to light +out of the flour-barrel, polished off, and set upon the table-- +enough for twenty people. The dining-room things I had seen her +take she arranged as tastefully as any one could want, and then the +finest lay-out in the way of salads, cakes, fruits, and other good +things I ever saw was brought in from the cellar. To do all this +took a marvellously short time. It was five minutes of midnight +went she got through, and then she devoted three minutes to looking +after herself. She whisked out a small hand-glass and touched up +her hair a bit. Then she washed her hands and pinned some roses on +her dress, smiled a smile I can never forget in my life, and opened +the kitchen door and went out. + +"'She's going to give a supper!' whispered Mr. Perkins. + +"'It looks like it,' said I. 'And a mighty fine one at that.' + +"In a minute she came back with a pail, in which were four bottles +of champagne, in her hand. This she took into the cellar, returning +to the kitchen as the clock struck twelve. + +"Then the queerest part began," said the detective. "For ten +minutes by the clock people were apparently arriving, though, as far +as Mr. Perkins or I could see, there wasn't a soul in the kitchen +besides Margaret. She was talking away like one possessed. Every +once in a while she'd stop in the middle of a sentence and rush to +the door and shake hands with some, to us invisible, arrival. Then +she'd walk in with them chatting and laughing. Several times she +went through the motion of taking people's hats, and finally, if we +could judge from her actions, she had 'em all seated at the table. +She passed salads all around, helping each guest herself. She sent +them fruit and cakes, and then she brought out the wine, which she +distributed in the same fashion. She also apologized because some +ice-cream she had ordered hadn't come. + +"When the invisible guests appeared to have had all they could eat, +she began the chatty part again, and never seemed to be disturbed +but once, when she requested some one not to sing so loud for fear +of disturbing the family. + +"Altogether it was the weirdest and rummest thing I'd ever seen in +my life. We watched it for one full hour, and then we quit because +she did. At one o'clock she apparently bade her guests good-night, +after which she gathered up and put away all the eatables there were +left--and, of course, everything but what she had eaten herself +still remained--cleaned all the dishes, restored them to their +proper places in the dining-room pantry, and went back up-stairs to +her room. + +"Mr. Perkins and I didn't know what to make of it. There wasn't a +thing stolen, and it was clear to my mind that I'd done the woman an +injustice in connecting her with thieves. She was honest, except in +so far as she had ordered all those salads and creams and things +from time to time on Mr. Perkins's account, which was easy enough +for her to do, since Mrs. Perkins let her do the ordering. There +was only one explanation of the matter. She was crazy, and I said +so. + +"'I fancy you are right,' said Mr. Perkins. 'We'll have to send her +to an asylum!' + +"'That's the thing,' said I, 'and we'd better do it the first thing +in the morning. I wouldn't tackle her to-night, because she's +probably excited, and like as not would make a great deal of +trouble.' + +"And that," said the detective, "was where Mr. Perkins and I made +our mistake. Next morning she wasn't to be found, and to this day I +haven't heard a word of her. She disappeared just like that," he +said, snapping his fingers. "Of course, I don't mean to say that +anything supernatural occurred. She simply must have slipped down +and out while we were asleep. The front door was wide open in the +morning, and a woman answering to her description was seen to leave +the Park station, five miles from the Perkins house, on the six- +thirty train that morning." + +"And you have no idea where she is now?" I asked of the detective, +when he had finished. + +"No," he answered, "not the slightest. For all I know she may be +cooking for you at this very minute." + +With which comforting remark he left me. + +For my part, I hope the detective was wrong. If I thought there was +a possibility of Margaret's ever being queen of my culinary +department, I should either give up house-keeping at once and join +some simple community where every man is his own chef, or dine +forevermore on canned goods. + + + +JANE + + + +She was quite the reverse of beautiful--to some she was positively +unpleasant to look upon; but that made no difference to Mrs. +Thaddeus Perkins, who, after long experience with domestics, had +come to judge of the value of a servant by her performance rather +than by her appearance. The girl--if girl she were, for she might +have been thirty or sixty, so far as any one could judge from a +merely superficial glance at her face and figure--was neat of +aspect, and, what was more, she had come well recommended. She bore +upon her face every evidence of respectability and character, as +well as one or two lines which might have indicated years or +toothache--it was difficult to decide which. On certain days, when +the weather was very warm and she had much to do, the impression was +that the lines meant years, and many of them, accentuated as they +were by her pallor, the whiteness of her face making the lines seem +almost black in their intensity. When she smiled, however, which +she rarely did--she was solemn enough to have been a butler--one was +impressed with the idea of hours of pain from a wicked tooth. At +any rate, she was engaged as waitress, and put in charge of the +first floor of the Perkins household. + +"I fancy we've at last got a real treasure," said Mrs. Perkins. +"There's no nonsense about Jane--I think." The last two words were +added apologetically. + +"Where did you get her?" asked Thaddeus. "At an Imbecility Office?" + +"I don't quite know what you mean--an Imbecility Office?" + +"Only my pet, private, and particular name for it, my dear. You +would speak of it as an Intelligence Office, no doubt," was the +reply. "My observation of the fruit of Intelligence Offices has +convinced me that they deal in Imbecility." + +"Not quite," laughed Mrs. Perkins. "They look after Domestic +Vacancies." + +"Well, they do it with a vengeance," said Perkins. "We've had more +vacancies in this house to do our cooking and our laundering and our +house-work generally than two able-bodied men could shake sticks at. +It seems to me that the domestic servant of to-day is fonder of +preoccupation than of occupation." + +"Jane, I think, is different from the general run," said Mrs. +Perkins. "As I said, she has no nonsense about her." + +"Is she--an--an ornament to the scene--pretty, and all that?" asked +Perkins. + +"Quite the reverse," replied the little house-keeper. "She is as +plain as a--as a--" + +"Say hedge-fence and be done with it," said Perkins. "I'm glad of +it. What's the use of providing a good dinner for your friends if +they are going to spend all their time looking at the waitress? +When I give a dinner it makes me tired to have the men afterwards +speak of the waitress rather than of the puree or the birds. If any +domestic is to dominate the repast at all it should be the cook." + +"Service counts for a great deal, though, Ted," suggested Mrs. +Perkins. + +"True," replied Thaddeus; "but on the whole, when I am starving, +give me a filet bearnaise served by a sailor, rather than an empty +plate brought in in style by a butler of illustrious lineage and +impressive manner." Then he added: "I hope she isn't too homely, +Bess--not a 'clock-stopper,' as the saying is. You don't want +people's appetites taken away when you've worked for hours on a menu +calculated to tickle the palates of your guests. Would her +homeliness--ah--efface itself, for instance, in the presence of a +culinary creation, or is it likely to overshadow everything with its +ineffaceable completeness?" + +"I think she'll do," returned Mrs. Perkins; "especially with your +friends, who, it seems to me, would one and all insist upon +finishing a 'creation,' as you call it, even if lightning should +strike the house." + +"From that point of view," said he, "I'm confident that Jane will +do." + +So Jane came, and for a year, strange to relate, was all that her +references claimed for her. She was neat, clean, and capable. She +was sober and industrious. The wine had never been better served; +the dinner had rarely come to the table so hot. Had she been a +butler of the first magnitude she could not so have discouraged the +idea of acquaintance; her attraction, if anything, was a combination +of her self-effacement and her ugliness. The latter might have been +noticed as she entered the dining-room; it was soon forgotten in the +unconsciously observed ease with which she went through her work. + +"She's fine," said Perkins, after a dinner of twelve covers served +by Jane with a pantry assistant. "I've always had a sneaking notion +that nothing short of a butler could satisfy me, but now I think +otherwise. Jane is perfection, and there is nothing paralyzing +about her, as there is about most of those reduced swells who wait +on tables nowadays." + +In August the family departed for the mountains, and the house was +left in charge of Jane and the cook, and right faithfully did they +fulfil the requirements of their stewardship. The return in +September found the house cleaned from top to bottom. The hardwood +floors and stairs shone as they had rarely shone before, and as only +an unlimited application of what is vulgarly termed "elbow-grease" +could make them shine. The linen was immaculate. Ireland is not +freer from snakes than was the house of Perkins from cobwebs, and no +speck of dust except those on the travellers was visible. It was +evident that even in the absence of the family Jane was true to her +ideals, and the heart of Mrs. Perkins was glad. Furthermore, Jane +had acquired a full third set of teeth, which seemed to take some of +the lines from her face, and, as Perkins observed, added materially +to the general effect of the surroundings, although they were +distressingly new. But, alas! they marked the beginning of the end. +Jane ceased to wait upon the table with that solemnity which is +essential to the manner of a "treasure"; she smiled occasionally, +and where hitherto she had treated the conversation at the table +with stolid indifference, a witticism would invariably now bring the +new teeth unto view. + +"Alas!" cried Thaddeus, "our butleress has evoluted backwards. She +grins like an ordinary waitress." + +It was too true. The possession of brilliantly white teeth seemed +to have brought with it a desire to show them, which was destructive +of that dignity with which Jane had previously been hedged about, +and substituted for it a less desirable atmosphere of possible +familiarity, which might grow upon very slight provocation into +intimacy, not to mention a nearer approach to social equality. + +"I don't suppose we can blame her exactly," said Perkins, when +discussing one or two of Jane's lapses from her old-time standard. +"I haven't a doubt that if I'd gone for years without teeth, I'd +become a regular Cheshire cat, with a new, complete edition de luxe +of celluloid molars. Still, I wish she'd paid more attention to the +dinner and less to Mr. Barlow's conversation last night. She stood +a whole minute, with the salad-bowl in her hand, waiting for him to +reach the point of his story about the plumber who put a gas-pipe +through Shakespeare's tenor in Westminster Abbey, and when he +finished, and she smiled, you'd have thought a dozen gravestones to +the deceased's memory had been conjured up before us." + +"It's a small fault, Thaddeus," returned Mrs. Perkins, "but I'll +speak to her about it." + +"Oh, I wouldn't," said Perkins; "let it go; she means well, and when +we got her we didn't suspect she'd turn out such a jewel. She's +merely approaching her norm, that is all. We ought to be thankful +to have had such perfection for one year. It's too bad it couldn't +continue; but what perfection does?" + +Nothing, therefore, was said, and Jane smiled on, yet waited most +acceptably and kept all things decently and in order--for a little +while. Along about Christmas-time a further decadence and +additional flaw in the jewel was discovered, and it was Perkins +himself who discovered it. It happened one day while he was at work +alone in the house, Mrs. Perkins having gone out shopping. A friend +from Boston appeared--a friend interested in bric-a-brac and china +generally. Thaddeus, to whom a luncheon in solitary grandeur was +little short of abomination, invited his Boston friend to stay and +share pot-luck with him, knowing, hypocrite that he was, that pot- +luck did not mean pot-luck at all, but a course luncheon which many +men would have found all-sufficient at dinner. The Boston friend +accepted, and the luncheon was served by Jane. In the course of the +repast the visitor observed: + +"Pretty good china you have, Perkins." + +"Yes," returned Thaddeus, "pretty good. I've always had a penchant +for china. My mother-in-law thinks I'm extravagant, and sometimes I +think she is right. You never saw my Capodimonte coffees, did you?" + +"No," replied the Bostonian, "I never did. Where'd you get 'em?" + +"London," replied Perkins, "last time I was over. You must see +them, by all means. Ah, Jane, hand Mr. Bunkerrill one of the +Capodimonte coffees." + +"Wan o' the what, sorr?" asked the treasure. + +Thaddeus blushed. To have his jewel go back on him at such a crisis +was excessively annoying. "One of those gold after-dinner coffee- +cups--one of the little ones, with the flowery raised figures," he +said, sharply. + +"Oh!" said Jane, "wan o' thim with somebody else's initial on the +bottom?" + +"Yes," said Thaddeus, fuming inwardly. + +"Quite a connoisseur, that woman," laughed the visitor, as Jane went +after the dinner-cup. "She's observed the china mark. She know's N +doesn't stand for Perkins." + +Thaddeus laughed weakly. "She probably thinks we got them second- +hand," he said. + +"Very likely you did," retorted the Bostonian, and Jane returned +with the desired cup. "An admirable specimen," continued the +connoisseur; and them, turning the cup bottom upwards in search of +the mark, he disclosed to his own and Thaddeus's astonished gaze no +less an object than the remains of a mashed green pea, a +reminiscence of the last Perkins dinner, and conclusive evidence +that at times Jane was not as careful in the washing of her china as +she might have been. + +It would be futile and useless for me to attempt to describe the +emotions of Thaddeus. I fancy a large enough number of us having +been through similar experiences to comprehend the man's +mortification and his inward wrath. It was too great to find +suitable expression at the moment. Nothing short of the absolute +destruction of the cup and the annihilation of Jane could have +adequately expressed Perkins's true feelings. He was not by nature, +however, a scene-maker--it would have been better if he had been--so +he said nothing, abiding by his rule, which seemed to be that the +man of the house would do better to reprehend the short-comings of a +delinquent servant by blowing up his wife rather than by going +direct to the core of the trouble and reading the maid a lecture. A +great many men adopt this same method. I do. It is the easiest, +though it is possibly prompted by that cowardice which is latent +with us all. I never in my life have discharged more than one +servant, and I not only did not do it gracefully, but discharged the +wrong one; since which time I have left all that sort of work to +others more competent than I. Perkins's method was precisely thus. + +"I'm not going to interfere," was his invariable remark in cases of +the kind under discussion; which was unwise, for if he had even +scolded a servant as he did his wife for the servant's fault he +might have secured better service sooner or later. + +Unfortunately, when Mrs. Perkins reached home that night she was so +very tired with her exertions in the shops that Thaddeus hadn't the +heart to tell her what had happened, and when morning came the +episode was forgotten. When it did recur to his mind it so happened +that Mrs. Perkins was out of reach. The result was that a month had +passed before Mrs. Perkins cane into possession of the facts, and it +was then, of course, too late to mention it to Jane. + +"You should have given her a good talking to at the time," said Mrs. +Perkins. "It's awful! I don't know what has got into Jane. My +best table-cloth has got a great hole in it, and she is very +careless with the silver. My fruit-knife last night was not clean." + +"I suppose YOU spoke to her about that?" said Perkins, smiling. + +"Not exactly; I sent for another, and handed her the dirty one," +returned Mrs. Perkins. "I guess she felt all that I could have +said." + +And time went on, and Jane continued to decay. She pulled corks +from olive-bottles with the carving-fork prongs and bent them +backwards. She developed a habit of going out and leaving her work +undone. The powdered sugar was allowed to resolve itself into +small, hard, pill-shaped lumps of various sizes. Breakfast had a +way of being served cold. The coffee was at times merely tepid; in +short, it seemed as if she really ought to be discharged; but then +there was invariably some reason for postponing the fatal hour. +Either her kindness to the children or a week or two of the old-time +efficiency, her unyielding civility, her scrupulous honesty, her +willing acquiescence in any new duty imposed, an impression that she +was suffering, any one or all of these reasons kept her on in her +place until she became so much a fixture in the household, so much +one of the family, that the idea of getting rid of her seemed beyond +the possibility of realization. That the axe should fall her +employers knew well, and many a resolve was taken that at the end of +the season she should go, yet neither Mrs. Perkins nor her husband +liked to tell her so. Her good points were still too potent, +although none could deny that all confidence in her efficiency was +shattered past repair. The situation finally reached a point where +it inspired reflections of a more or less humorous order. + +"I tell you what I think," said Thaddeus one evening, after a +particularly flagrant breach on Jane's part, involving a streak of +cranberry sauce across a supposititiously clean plate: "you won't +discharge her, Bess, and I won't; suppose we send for Mr. Burke, and +get him to do it." + +Mr. Burke was the one reliable man in town. It didn't make much +difference what the Perkinses wanted done, they generally sent for +Mr. Burke to do it, largely because when he attempted a commission +he saw it through. A carpenter and builder by trade, he had for +many years looked after the repairs needful to the Perkins' +dwelling; he had come often between Thaddeus and unskilled labor; he +had made bookcases which were dreams of convenience and sufficiently +pleasing to the eye; he had "fixed up" Mrs. Perkins's garden; he had +supplied the family with a new gardener when the old one had taken +on habits of drink, which destroyed not only himself but the +cabbages; he had kept an eye on the plumbers; he had put up, taken +down, and repaired awnings--in short, as Perkins said, he was a +"Universal." Once, when a delicate piece of bric-a-brac had been +broken and the china-mender asserted that it could not be mended, +Perkins had said, "See if Burke can't fix it," and Burke had fixed +it; and as final tribute to this wonder, Perkins had said, in +suffering: + +"My dear, I'm afraid I have appendicitis. Send for Mr. Burke." + +"Mr. Burke!" echoed his wife. + +"Yes, Mr. Burke," moaned the sufferer. "If my vermiform appendix is +to be removed, I'd rather have Mr. Burke do it with a chisel and saw +than any surgeon I know; and I won't take ether either, because it +is such a satisfaction to see him work." + +So, when this happy pair of house-holders had reached what might be +described as the grand climateric of their patience, and it was +finally decided that Jane's usefulness was a thing of the past, and +utterly beyond redemption, Thaddeus naturally suggested turning to +his faithful friend, Mr. Burke, to rid them of their woes, and, +indeed, but for Jane's own intervention, I fear that course would +have proved the sole alternative to her becoming an irremovable +fixture in the household. But it was Jane herself who solved the +problem. + +It was two days after the cranberry episode that the solution came, +and it was in this wise: + +"Did ye send for me?" Jane asked, suddenly materializing in Mrs. +Perkins's room. + +"No, Jane, I haven't; why?" + +The girl began to shed tears. + +"Because--you'd ought to have, ma'am. I know well enough that I +ain't satisfactory to you," she returned, her voice quivering, "and +I can't be, and I know you want me to go--and I--I've come to give +you notice." + +Then Mrs. Perkins looked at Jane with sorrow on her countenance, for +she had acquired an affection for her which the maid's delinquencies +had not been able to efface. + +"Can't you try and do better?" she asked. + +"No, ma'am," returned Jane. "Not with the system--never. Mr. +Perkins is too easy, and you do be so soft-hearted it don't keep a +girl up to her work. When I first come here, ma'am, not knowin' ye +well, I was afraid to be anything but what was right, but the way +you took accidents, and a bit of a shortcomin' once in a while, sort +of took away my fear, and I've been goin' down hill ever since. +Servant-girls is only human, Mrs. Perkins." + +Mrs. Perkins looked at Jane inquiringly. + +"We needs to be kept up to our work just as much as anybody else, +and when a lady like yourself is too easy, it gets a girl into bad +habits, and occasionally it does us good if the gentleman of the +house will swear at us, Mrs. Perkins, and sort of scare us, so it +does. It was that that was the making of me. The last place I was +in, ma'am, I was so afraid of both the missus and the gentleman that +I didn't dare to be careless; and I didn't dare be careless with you +until I found you all the time a-smilin', whatever went wrong, and +Mr. Perkins never sayin' a word, whether the dishes come to the +table clean or not." + +"Well, Jane," said Mrs. Perkins, somewhat carried away by this +course of reasoning, "you haven't been what we hoped--there is no +denying that; but knowing that you were disappointing us, why +couldn't you have made a special effort?" + +"Oh, Mrs. Perkins," sobbed the poor woman, "you don't understand. +We're all disappointin' to them we loves, but--it's them we fear--" + +"Then why aren't you afraid of us?" + +Jane laughed through her tears. The idea was preposterous. + +"Afraid of you and Mr. Perkins? Ah!" she said, sadly, "if I only +could be--but I can't. Why, Mrs. Perkins, if Mr. Perkins should +come in here now and swear at me the way Mr. Barley did when I +worked there, I'd know he was only puttin' it on, and that inside +he'd be laughin' at me. No, ma'am, it's no use. I feel that I must +go, or I'll be forever ruined. It was the cranberry showed me; a +girl had ought to be discharged for that. Dirty dinner plates isn't +excusable, and yet neither of you said a word, and next week it'll +be the same way--so I'm goin'. You won't send me off, so I've got +to do it myself." + +"Very well, Jane," said Mrs. Perkins; "if that is the way you feel +about it we'll have to part, I suppose. I am sorry, but--" + +The sentence was not finished, for Jane rushed weeping from the +room, and within a few days, her place having been filled, the house +knew her no more, except as an occasional visitor, ostensibly to see +the children. Later she got a place to her satisfaction, and one +night the Perkins were invited to dine with Jane's new employers. +They went and found their old-time "butler" at the very zenith of +her powers. She served the dinner as she had never served one in +her palmiest days in the Perkins's dining-room; and when all was +over, and when Mrs. Perkins went up-stairs to don her wrap to return +home, she found Jane above waiting to help her. + +"I am glad to see you so happy, Jane," she said, as the girl held +her cloak. + +"Ah, ma'am, I'm not very happy." + +"You ought to be, here. Your work to-night was perfect." + +"Yes," said Jane, "it had to be, for"--here her voice fell to a +whisper--"I don't dare let it be different, ma'am. Mrs. Harkins is +a regular divvle, and the ould gentleman--well, ma'am, he do swear +finer 'n any gentleman I ever met. It's just the place for me." + +And Jane sighed as her old mistress left her. + +"Wasn't she great, Bess?" said Thaddeus, on the way home. + +"She was, indeed," replied Mrs. Perkins, with a smile. "It's a pity +I'm not a divvle." + +Thaddeus laughed. "That's so," he said; "or that I never learned to +swear like a gentleman, eh?" + + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PASTE JEWELS*** + + +******* This file should be named 4930.txt or 4930.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/4/9/3/4930 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Paste Jewels + +Author: John Kendrick Bangs + +Release Date: January, 2004 [EBook #4930] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on March 27, 2002] +[Most recently updated: March 27, 2002] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, PASTE JEWELS *** + + + + +Transcribed by David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk, from the +1897 Harper and Brothers edition. + + + + +PASTE JEWELS + + + + +PREFACE + + + +It may interest the readers of this collection of tales, if there +should be any such, to know that the incidents upon which the +stories are based are unfortunately wholly truthful. They have one +and all come under the author's observation during the past ten +years, and with the exception of "Mr. Bradley's Jewel," concerning +whom it is expressly stated that she was employed through lack of +other available material, not one of the servants herein made famous +or infamous, as the case may be, was employed except upon +presentation of references written by responsible persons that could +properly have been given only to domestics of the most sterling +character. It is this last fact that points the moral of the tales +here presented, if it does not adorn them. + +J. K. B. + + + +THE EMANCIPATION OF THADDEUS + + + +They were very young, and possibly too amiable. Thaddeus was but +twenty-four and Bessie twenty-two when they twain, made one, walked +down the middle aisle of St. Peter's together. + +Everybody remarked how amiable she looked even then; not that a +bride on her way out of church should look unamiable, of course, but +we all know how brides do look, as a rule, on such occasions--looks +difficult of analysis, but strangely suggestive of determined +timidity, if there can be such a quality expressed in the human +face. It is the natural expression of one who knows that she has +taken the most important step of her life, and, on turning to face +those who have been bidden to witness the ceremony, observes that +the sacredness of the occasion is somewhat marred by the presence in +church of the unbidden curiosity-seekers, who have come for much the +same reason as that which prompts them to go to the theatre--to +enjoy the spectacle. But Bessie's face showed nothing but that +intense amiability for which she had all her life long been noted; +and as for Thaddeus, he never ceased to smile from the moment he +turned and faced the congregation until the carriage door closed +upon him and his bride, and then, of course, he had to, his lips +being otherwise engaged. Indeed, Thaddeus's amiability was his +greatest vice. He had never been known to be ill-natured in his +life but once, and that was during the week that Bessie had kept him +in suspense while she was making up her mind not to say "No" to an +important proposition he had made--a proposition, by-the-way, which +resulted in this very ceremony, and was largely responsible for the +trials and tribulations which followed. + +Thaddeus was rich--that is, he had an income and a vocation; a +charming little home was awaiting their coming, off in a convenient +suburb; and, best of all, Bessie was an accomplished house-keeper, +having studied under the best mistresses of that art to be found in +the country. And even if she had not completely mastered the art of +keeping house, Thaddeus was confident that all would go well with +them, for their waitress was a jewel, inherited from Bessie's +mother, and the cook, though somewhat advanced in years, was beyond +cavil, having been known to the family of Thaddeus for a longer +period than Thaddeus himself had been. The only uncertain quantity +in the household was Norah, the up-stairs girl, who was not only +new, but auburn-haired and of Celtic extraction. + +Under such circumstances did the young couple start in life, and +many there were who looked upon them with envy. At first, of +course, the household did not run as smoothly as it might have done- +-meals were late, and served with less ceremony than either liked; +but, as Bessie said, as she and Thaddeus were finishing their +breakfast one morning, "What could you expect?" + +To which Thaddeus, with his customary smile, replied "What, indeed! +We get along much better than I really thought we should with old +Ellen." + +Old Ellen was the cook, and she had been known to Thaddeus as "Old +Ellen" even before his lips were able to utter the words. + +"Ellen has her ways, and Jane has hers," said Bessie. "After Jane +has got accustomed to Ellen's way of getting breakfast ready, she +will know better how to go about her own work. I think, perhaps, +cook's manner is a little harsh. She made Jane cry about the omelet +this morning; but Jane is teary, anyhow." + +"It wouldn't do to have Ellen oily and Jane watery," Thaddeus +answered. "They'd mix worse than ever then. We're in pretty good +luck as it is." + +"I think so, too, Teddy," Bessie replied; "but Jane is so foolish. +She might have known better than to send the square platter down to +Ellen for an omelet, when the omelet was five times as long as it +was broad." + +"You always had square omelets, though, at your house--that is, +whenever I was there you had," said Thaddeus. "And I suppose Jane's +notion is that as things happened under your mother's regime, so +they ought to happen here." + +"Possibly that was her notion," replied Bessie; "but, then, in your +family the omelets were oblong, and Ellen is too old to depart from +her traditions. Old people get set in their ways, and as long as +results are satisfactory, we ought not to be captious about +methods." + +"No, indeed, we shouldn't," smiled Thaddeus; "but I don't want you +to give in to Ellen to too great an extent, my dear. This is your +home, and not my mother's, and your ways must be the ways of the +house." + +"Ellen is all right," returned Bessie, "and I am so delighted to +have her, because, you know, Teddy dear, she knows what you like +even better, perhaps, than I do--naturally so, having grown up in +your family." + +"Reverse that, my dear. Our family grew up on Ellen. She set the +culinary pace at home. Mother always let her have her own way, and +it may be she is a little spoiled." + +"Do you know, Teddy, I wonder that, having had Ellen for so many +years, your mother was willing to give her up." + +"Oh, I can explain that," Thaddeus answered. "I'm the youngest, you +know; the rest of the family were old enough to be weaned. Besides, +father was getting old, and he had a notion that the comforts of a +hotel were preferable to the discomforts of house-keeping. Father +likes to eat meals at all hours, and the annunciator system of hotel +life, by which you can summon anything in an instant, from a shower- +bath to a feast of terrapin, was rather pleasing to him. He was +always an admirer of the tales of the genii, and he regards the +electric button in a well-appointed hotel as the nearest approach to +the famous Aladdin lamp known to science. You press the button, and +your genii do the rest." + +"But a hotel isn't home," said Bessie. + +"A hotel isn't this home," answered Thaddeus. "Love in a cottage +for me; but, Bessie, perhaps you--perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea +for you to speak to Jane and Ellen this morning about their +differences. I am an hour late now." + +Then Thaddeus kissed Bessie, and went down to business. + +On Thaddeus's departure Bessie's cheerfulness also deserted her, and +for the first time in her life she felt that it would do her good if +she could fly out at somebody--somebody, however, who was not +endeared to the heart of Thaddeus, or too intimately related to her +own family, which left no one but Norah upon whom to vent the +displeasure that she felt. Norah was, therefore, sought out, and +requested rather peremptorily to say how long it had been since she +had dusted the parlor; to which Norah was able truthfully to answer, +"This mornin', mim." Whereupon Bessie's desire to be disagreeable +departed, and saying that Norah could now clean the second-story +front-room windows, she withdrew to her own snug sewing-room until +luncheon should be served. She was just a trifle put out with Norah +for being so efficient. There is nothing so affronting to a young +house-keeper as the discovery that the inherited family jewels, upon +whom much reliance has been placed, are as paste alongside of the +newly acquired bauble from whom little was expected. It was almost +unkind in Norah, Bessie thought, to be so impeccably conscientious +when Jane and Ellen were developing eccentricities; but there was +the consoling thought that when they had all been together a month +or two longer, their eccentricities would so shape themselves that +they would fit into one another, and ultimately bind the little +domestic structure more firmly together. + +"Perhaps if I let them alone," Bessie said to herself, "they'll +forget their differences more quickly. I guess, on the whole, I +will say nothing about it." + +That night, when Thaddeus came home, the first thing he said to his +wife was: "Well, I suppose you were awfully firm this morning, eh? +Went down into the kitchen and roared like a little tyrant, eh? I +really was afraid to read the paper on the way home. Didn't know +but what I'd read of a 'Horrid Accident in High Life. Mrs. Thaddeus +Perkins's Endeavor to Maintain Discipline in the Household Results +Fatally. Two Old Family Servants Instantly Killed, and Three of the +Kitchen Table Legs Broken by a Domestic Explosion!'" + +"Be serious, Thaddeus," said Bessie. + +And Thaddeus became instantly serious. "They--they haven't left us, +have they?" he whispered, in an awe-struck tone. + +"No. I--I thought I'd let them fight it out between themselves," +replied Bessie. "You see, Thaddeus, servants are queer, and do not +like to have their differences settled by others than themselves. +It'll work out all right, if we let them alone." + +"I don't know but that you are right," said Thaddeus, after a few +moments of thought. "They're both sensible girls, and capable of +fighting their own battles. Let's have dinner. I'm hungry as a +bear." + +It was half-past six o'clock, and the usual hour for dinner. At +8.10 dinner was served. The intervening time was consumed by Jane +and Ellen endeavoring to settle their differences by the silent, +sniffy method--that is, Jane would sniff, and Ellen would be silent; +and then Ellen would sniff, and Jane would be silent. As for +Thaddeus and Bessie, they were amused rather than angry to have the +dear little broiled chicken Bessie had provided served on the large +beef-platter; and when the pease came up in a cut-glass salad-dish, +Thaddeus laughed outright, but Bessie's eyes grew moist. It was too +evident that Jane and Ellen were not on speaking terms, and there +was strong need for some one to break the ice. Fortunately, +Bessie's mother called that evening, and some of her time was spent +below-stairs. What she said there only Ellen and Jane knew, but it +had its effect, and for two or three weeks the jewels worked almost +as satisfactorily as did Norah, the new girl, and quite +harmoniously. + +"Bessie," said Thaddeus, one night as they ate their supper, "does +it occur to you that the roast is a little overdone to-night?" + +"Yes, Teddy, it is very much overdone. I must speak to Ellen about +it. She is a little careless about some things. I've told her +several times that you like your beef rare." + +"Well, I'd tell her again. Constant dropping of water on its +surface will wear away a stone, and I think, perhaps, the constant +dropping of an idea on a cook's head may wear away some of the +thickest parts of that--at least, until it is worn thin enough for +the idea to get through to where her brain ought to be. You might +say to her, too, that for several nights past dinner has been cold." + +"I'll speak to her in the morning," was Bessie's reply; and the dear +little woman was true to her purpose. + +"She explained about the beef and the cold dinner, Ted," she said, +when Thaddeus came home that afternoon. + +"Satisfactorily to all hands, I hope?" said Thaddeus, with his usual +smile. + +"Yes, perfectly. In fact, I wonder we hadn't thought of it +ourselves. In the old home, you know, the dinner-hour was six +o'clock, while here it is half-past six." + +"What has that got to do with it?" asked Thaddeus. + +"How obtuse of you, Teddy!" exclaimed Bessie. "Don't you see, the +poor old thing has been so used to six-o'clock dinners that she has +everything ready for us at six? And if we are half an hour hate, of +course things get cold; or if they are kept in the oven, as was the +case with the beef last night, they are apt to be overdone?" + +"Why, of course. Ha! Ha! Wonder I didn't think of that," laughed +Thaddeus, though his mirth did seem a little forced. "But--she's-- +she's going to change, I suppose?" + +"She said she'd try," Bessie replied. "She was really so very nice +about it, I hadn't the heart to scold her." + +"I'm glad," was all Thaddeus said, and during the rest of the meal +he was silent. Once or twice he seemed on the verge of saying +something, but apparently changed his mind. + +"Are you tired to-night, dear?" said Bessie, as the dessert was +served. + +"No. Why?" said Thaddeus, shortly. + +"Oh, nothing. I thought you seemed a little so," Bessie answered. +"You mustn't work too hard down-town." + +"No, my dear girl," he said. "I won't, and I don't. I was thinking +all through dinner about those girls down-stairs. Perhaps--perhaps +I had better talk to them, eh? You are so awfully kind-hearted, and +it does seem to me as though they imposed a little on you, that's +all. The salad to-night was atrocious. It should have been kept on +the ice, instead of which it comes to the table looking like a last +year's bouquet." + +Bessie's eyes grew watery. "I'm afraid it was my fault," she said. +"I ought to have looked after the salad myself. I always did at +home. I suppose Jane got it out expecting me to prepare it." + +"Oh, well, never mind," said Thaddeus, desirous of soothing the +troubled soul of his wife. "I wouldn't have mentioned it, only Jane +does too much thinking, in a thoughtless way, anyhow. Servants +aren't paid to think." + +"I'll tell you what, Thaddeus," said Bessie, her spirits returning, +"we are just as much to blame as they are; we've taken too much for +granted, and so have they. Suppose we spend the evening putting +together a set of rules for the management of the house? It will be +lots of fun, and perhaps it will do the girls good. They ought to +understand that while our parents have had their ways--and +reasonable ways--there is no reason why we should not have our +ways." + +"In other words," said Thaddeus, "what we want to draw up is a sort +of Declaration of Independence." + +"That's it, exactly," Bessie replied. + +"Better get a slate and write them on that," suggested Thaddeus, +with a broad grin. "Then we can rub out whatever Jane and Ellen +don't like." + +"I hate you when you are sarcastic," said Bessie, with a pout, and +then she ran for her pad and pencil. + +The evening was passed as she had suggested, and when they retired +that night the house of Perkins was provided with a constitution and +by-laws. + +"I don't suppose I shall recognize my surroundings when I get back +home to-night," said Thaddeus, when he waked up in the morning. + +"Why not?" asked Bessie. "What strange transformation is there to +be?" + +"The discipline will be so strict," answered Thaddeus. "I presume +you will put those rules of ours into operation right away?" + +"I have been thinking about that," said Bessie, after a moment. +"You see, Thad, there are a great many things about running a house +that neither you nor I are familiar with yet, and it seems to me +that maybe we'd better wait a little while before we impose these +rules on the girls; it would be awkward to have to make changes +afterwards, you know." + +"There is something in that," said Thaddeus; "but, after all, not so +much as you seem to think. All rules have exceptions. I've no +doubt that the cook will take exception to most of them." + +"That's what I'm afraid of, and as she's so old I kind of feel as if +I ought to respect her feelings a little more than we would Norah's, +for instance. I can just tell you I shall make Norah stand around." + +"I think it would be a good plan if you did," said Thaddeus. "I'm +afraid Norah will die if you don't. She works too hard to be a real +servant--real servants stand around so much, you know." + +"Don't be flippant, Thaddeus. This is a very serious matter. Norah +is a good girl, as you say. She works so much and so quickly that +she really makes me tired, and I'm constantly oppressed with the +thought that she may get through with whatever she is doing before I +can think of something else to occupy her time. But with her we +need have none of the feeling that we have with Jane and Ellen. She +is young, and susceptible to new impressions. She can fall in with +new rules, while the other two might chafe under them. Now, I say +we wait until we find out if we cannot let well enough alone, and +not raise discord in our home." + +"There never was an Eden without its serpent," sighed Thaddeus. "I +don't exactly like the idea of fitting our rules to their +idiosyncrasies." + +"It isn't that, dear. I don't want that, either; but neither do we +wish to unnecessarily hamper them in their work by demanding that +they shall do it our way." + +"Oh, well, you are the President of the Republic," said Thaddeus. +"You run matters to suit yourself, and I believe we'll have the most +prosperous institution in the world before we know it. If it were a +business matter, I'd have those rules or die; but I suppose you +can't run a house as you would a business concern. I guess you are +right. Keep the rules a week. Why not submit 'em to your mother +first?" + +"I thought of that," said Bessie. "But then it occurred to me that +as Ellen had served always under your mother, it would be better if +we consulted her." + +"I don't," said Thaddeus. "She'd be sure to tell you not to have +any rules, or, if she didn't, she would advise you to consult with +the cook in the matter, which would result in Ellen's becoming +President, and you and I taxpayers. She used to run our old house, +and now see the consequences!" + +"What are the consequences?" asked Bessie. + +"Mother and father have been driven into a hotel, and the children +have all been married." + +"That's awful," laughed Bessie. + +And so the rules were filed away for future reference. That they +would have remained on file for an indefinite period if Thaddeus had +not asked a friend to spend a few weeks with him, I do not doubt. +Bessie grew daily more mistrustful of their value, and Thaddeus +himself preferred the comfort of a quiet though somewhat irregular +mode of living to the turmoil likely to follow the imposition of +obnoxious regulations upon the aristocrats below-stairs. But the +coming of Thaddeus's friend made a difference. + +The friend was an elderly man, with a business and a system. He was +a man, for instance, who all his life had breakfasted at seven, +lunched at one, and dined at six-thirty, of which Thaddeus was aware +when he invited him to make his suburban home his headquarters while +his own house was being renovated and his family abroad. Thaddeus +was also aware that the breakfast and dinner hours under Bessie's +regime were nominally those of his friend, and so he was able to +assure Mr. Liscomb that his coming would in no way disturb the usual +serenity of the domestic pond. The trusting friend came. Breakfast +number one was served fifteen minutes after the hour, and for the +first time in ten years Mr. Liscomb was late in arriving at his +office. He had not quite recovered from the chagrin consequent upon +his tardiness when that evening he sat down to dinner at Thaddeus's +house, served an hour and ten minutes late, Ellen having been +summoned by wire to town to buy a pair of shoes for one of her +sister's children, the sister herself suffering from poverty and +toothache. + +"I hope you were not delayed seriously this morning, Mr. Liscomb," +said Bessie, after dinner. + +"Oh no, not at all!" returned Liscomb, polite enough to tell an +untruth, although its opposite was also a part of his system. + +"Ellen must be more prompt with breakfast," said Thaddeus. "Seven, +sharp, is the hour. Did you speak to her about it?" + +"No, but I intend to," answered Bessie. "I'll tell her the first +thing after breakfast to-morrow. I meant to have spoken about it +to-day, but when I got down-stairs she had gone out." + +"Was it her day out?" + +"No; but her sister is sick, and she was sent for. It was all +right. She left word where she was going with Jane." + +"That was very considerate of her," said Liscomb, politely. + +"Yes," said Bessie. "Ellen's a splendid woman." + +Later on in the evening, about half-past nine, when Mr. Liscomb, +wearied with the excitement of the first irregular day he had known +from boyhood, retired, Thaddeus took occasion to say: + +"Bessie, I think you'd better tell Ellen about having breakfast +promptly in the morning to-night, before we go to bed." + +"Very well," returned Bessie, "I'll go down now and do it;" and down +she went. In a moment she was back. "The poor thing was so tired," +she said, "that she went to bed as soon as dinner was cooked, so I +couldn't tell her." + +"Why didn't you send up word to her by Jane?" + +"Oh, she MUST be asleep by this time!" + +"Oh!" said Thaddeus. + +It was nine o'clock the next morning when Ellen opened her eyes. +Breakfast had been served a half-hour earlier, Jane and Bessie +having cooked some eggs, which Bessie ate alone, since Thaddeus and +Liscomb were compelled to take the eight-o'clock train to town, +hungry and forlorn. Liscomb was very good-natured about it to +Thaddeus, but his book-keeper had a woful tale to tell of his +employer's irritability when he returned home that night. As for +Thaddeus, he spoke his mind very plainly--to Liscomb. Bessie never +knew what he said, nor did any of the servants; but he said it to +Liscomb, and, as Liscomb remarked later, he seemed like somebody +else altogether while speaking, he was so fierce and determined +about it all. That night a telegram came from Liscomb, saying that +he had been unexpectedly delayed, and that, as there were several +matters requiring his attention at his own home, he thought he would +not be up again until Sunday. + +Bessie was relieved, and Thaddeus was mad. + +"We MUST have those rules," he said. + +And so they were brought out. Ellen received them with stolid +indifference; Jane with indignation, if the slamming of doors in +various parts of the house that day betokened anything. Norah +accepted them without a murmur. It made no difference to Norah on +what day she swept the parlor, nor did she seem to care very much +because her "days at home" were shifted, so that her day out was +Friday instead of Thursday. + +"Has Ellen said anything about the rules, my dear?" asked Thaddeus, +a week or two later. + +"Not a word," returned Bessie. + +"Has she 'looked' anything?" + +"Volumes," Bessie answered. + +"Does she take exception to any of them?" + +"No," said Bessie, "and I've discovered why, too. She hasn't read +them." + +Thaddeus was silent for a minute. Then be said, quite firmly for +him, "She must read them." + +"MUST is a strong word, Teddy," Bessie replied, "particularly since +Ellen can't read." + +"Then you ought to read them to her." + +"That's what I think," Bessie answered, amiably. "I'm going to do +it very soon--day after to-morrow, I guess." + +"What has Jane said?" asked Thaddeus, biting his lip. + +Bessie colored. Jane had expressed herself with considerable force, +and Bessie had been a little afraid to tell Thaddeus what she had +said and done. + +"Oh, nothing much," she answered. "She--she said she'd never wore +caps like a common servant, and wasn't going to begin now; and then +she didn't like having to clean the silver on Saturday afternoons, +because the silver-powder got into her finger-nails; and that really +is too bad, Teddy, because Saturday night is the night her friends +come to call, and silver-powder is awfully hard to get out of your +nails, you know; and, of course, a girl wants to appear neat and +clean when she has callers." + +"Of course," said Thaddeus. "And I judge by the appearance of the +brass fenders that she doesn't like to polish them up on Wednesday +because it gives her a backache on Thursday, which is her day out." + +Bessie's eyes took on their watery aspect again. + +"Do the fenders look so very badly, Ted?" she asked. + +"They're atrocious," said Thaddeus. + +"I'm sorry, dear; but I did my best. I polished them myself this +afternoon; Jane had to go to a funeral." + +"Oh, my!" cried Thaddeus. "This subject's too much for me. Let's +go out--somewhere, anywhere--to a concert. Music hath its charms to +soothe a savage breast, and my breast is simply the very essence of +wildness to-night. Put on your things, Bess, and hurry, or I'll +suffocate." + +Bessie did as she was told, and before ten o'clock the happy pair +had forgotten their woes, nor do I think they would have remembered +them again that night had they not found on their return home that +they were locked out. + +At this even the too amiable Bessie was angry--very angry--unjustly, +as it turned out afterwards. + +"They weren't to blame, after all," she explained to Thaddeus, when +he came home the next night. "I spoke to them about it, and they +all thought we'd spend the night with your mother and father at the +Oxford." + +"They're a thoughtful lot," said Thaddeus. + +And so time passed. The "treasures" did as they pleased; the +dubious auburn-haired Norah continued her aggravating efficiency. +Bessie's days were spent in anticipation of an interview of an +unpleasant nature with Jane or Ellen "to-morrow." Thaddeus's former +smile grew less perpetual--that is, it was always visible when +Bessie was before him, but when Bessie was elsewhere, so also was +the token of Thaddeus's amiability. He chafed under the tyranny, +but it never occurred to him but once that it would be well for him +to interview Ellen and Jane; and then, summoning them fiercely, he +addressed them mildly, ended the audience with a smile, and felt +himself beneath their sway more than ever. + +Then something happened. A day came and went, and the morrow +thereof found Thaddeus dethroned from even his nominal position of +head of the house. There was a young Thaddeus, an eight-pound +Thaddeus, a round, red-cheeked, bald-headed Thaddeus that looked +more like the Thaddeus of old than Thaddeus did himself; and then, +at a period in which man feels himself the least among the +insignificant, did our hero find happiness unalloyed once more, for +to the pride of being a father was added the satisfaction of seeing +Jane and Ellen acknowledge a superior. Make no mistake, you who +read. It was not to Thaddeus junior that these gems bowed down. It +was to the good woman who came in to care for the little one and his +mother that they humbled themselves. + +"She's great," said Thaddeus to himself, as he watched Jane bustling +about to obey the command of the temporary mistress of the situation +as she had never bustled before. + +"She's a second Elizabeth," chuckled Thaddeus, as he listened to an +order passed down the dumb-waiter shaft from the stout empress of +the moment to the trembling queen of the kitchen. + +"She's a little dictatorial," whispered Thaddeus to his newspaper, +when the monarch of all she surveyed gave him HIS orders. "But +there are times, even in a Republic like this, when a dictator is an +advantage. I hate to see a woman cry, but the way Jane wept at the +routing Mrs. Brown gave her this morning was a finer sight than +Niagara." + +But, alas! this happy state of affairs could not last forever. +Thaddeus was just beginning to get on easy terms with Mrs. Brown +when she was summoned elsewhere. + +"Change of heir is necessary for one in her profession," sighed +Thaddeus; and then, when he thought of resuming the reins himself, +he sighed again, and wished that Mrs. Brown might have remained a +fixture in the household forever. "Still," he added, more to +comfort himself than because he had any decided convictions to +express--"still, a baby in the house will make a difference, and +Ellen and Jane will behave better now that Bessie's added +responsibilities put them more upon their honor." + +For a time Thaddeus's prophecy was correct. Ellen and Jane did do +better for nearly two months, and then--but why repeat the old +story? Then they lapsed, that is all, and became more tyrannical +than ever. Bessie was so busy with little Ted that the household +affairs outside of the nursery came under their exclusive control. +Thaddeus stood it--I was going to say nobly, but I think it were +better put ignobly--but he had a good excuse for so doing. + +"A baby is an awful care to its mother," he said; "a responsibility +that takes up her whole time and attention. I don't think I'd +better complicate matters by getting into a row with the servants." + +And so it went. A year and another year passed. The pretty home +was beginning to look old. The bloom of its youth had most +improperly faded--for surely a home should never fade--but there was +the boy, a growing delight to his father, so why complain? Better +this easy-going life than one of domestic contention. + +Then on a sudden the boy fell ill. The doctor came--shook his head +gravely. + +"You must take him to the sea-shore," he said. "It is his only +chance." + +And to the sea-shore they went, leaving the house in charge of the +treasures. + +"I have confidence in you," said Thaddeus to Jane and Ellen on the +morning of the departure, "so I have decided to leave the house open +in your care. Mrs. Perkins wants you to keep it as you would if she +were here. Whatever you need to make yourselves comfortable, you +may get. Good-bye." + +"What a comfort it is," said Bessie, when they had reached the sea- +shore, and were indulging in their first bit of that woful luxury, +homesickness--"what a comfort it is to feel that the girls are there +to look after things! An empty house is such a temptation to +thieves." + +"Yes," said Thaddeus. "I hope they won't entertain too much, +though." + +"Ellen and Jane are too old for that sort of thing," Bessie +answered. + +"How about Norah?" + +"Oh, I forgot to tell you. There was nothing really for Norah to +do, so I told her she could go off and stay with her mother on +board-wages." + +"Good!" said Thaddeus, with a pleased smile. "It isn't a bad idea +to save, particularly when you are staying at the sea-shore." + +In this contented frame of mind they lived for several weeks. The +boy grew stronger every day, and finally Thaddeus felt that the +child was well enough to warrant his running back home for a night, +"just to see how things were going." That the girls were faithful, +of course, he did not doubt; the regularity with which letters +addressed to him at home--and they were numerous--reached him +convinced him of that; but the hamper containing the week's wash, +which Ellen and Jane were to send, and which had been expected on +Thursday of the preceding week, had failed for once to arrive; the +boy had worn one dress four days, Thaddeus's collars were getting +low, and altogether he was just a little uneasy about things. So he +availed himself of his opportunity and went home, taking with him a +friend, in consideration of whom he telegraphed ahead to Ellen to +prepare a good breakfast, not caring for dinner, since he and his +companion expected to dine at the club and go to the theatre before +going out to his home. + +The result would have been fatal to Bessie's peace of mind had she +heard of it during her absence from home. But Thaddeus never told +her, until it was a matter of ancient history, that when he arrived +at home, a little after midnight, he found the place deserted, and +was compelled to usher his friend in through the parlor window; that +from top to bottom the mansion gave evidence of not having seen a +broom or a dust-brush since the departure of the family; that Jane +had not been seen in the neighborhood for one full week--this came +from those living on adjoining property; that Ellen had been absent +since early that morning, and was not expected to return for three +days; and, crowning act of infamy, that he, Thaddeus, and his friend +were compelled to breakfast next morning upon a half of a custard +pie, a bit mouldy, found by the lord of the manor on the fast- +melting remains of a cake of ice in the refrigerator. Whether it +would have happened if Thaddeus had not been accompanied by a +friend, whose laughter incited him to great deeds, or not I am not +prepared to say, but something important did happen. Thaddeus rose +to the occasion, and committed an act, and committed it thoroughly. +The Thaddeus of old, the meek, long-suffering, too amiable Thaddeus, +disappeared. The famous smile was given no chance to play. His +wife was absent, and the smile was far away with her. Thaddeus, +with one fell blow, burst his fetters and became free. + +That afternoon, when he had returned to the seaboard, Bessie asked +him, "How was the house?" + +"Beautiful," said Thaddeus, quite truthfully; for it was. + +"Did Ellen say anything about the hamper?" + +"Not a word." + +"Did you speak to her about it?" + +"Nope." + +"Oh, Teddy! How could you forget it?" + +To the lasting honor of Thaddeus be it said that he bore up under +this unflinchingly. + +"Did you have a good breakfast, Ted?" Bessie asked, returning to the +subject later. + +"Very," said Thaddeus, thinking of the hearty meal he and his +fellow-sufferer had eaten at the club after getting back to town. +"We had a tomato omelet, coffee, toast, rice cakes, tenderloin +steak, and grits." + +"Dear me!" smiled Bessie; she was so glad her Teddy had been so well +treated. "All that? Ellen must have laid herself out." + +"Yes," said Thaddeus; "I think she did." + + +All the following week Thaddeus seemed to have a load on his mind--a +load which he resolutely refused to share with his wife--and on +Friday he found it necessary to go up to town. + +"I thought this was your vacation," remonstrated Bessie. + +"Well, so it is," said Thaddeus. "But--but I've got one or two +matters to attend to--matters of very great importance--so that I +think I'll have to go." + +"If you must, you must," said Bessie. "But I think it's horrid of +your partner to make you go back to town this hot weather." + +"Don't be cross with my partner," said Thaddeus; "especially my +partner in this matter." + +"Have you different partners for different matters?" queried Bessie. + +"Never mind about that, my dear; you'll know all about it in time, +so don't worry." + +"All right, Teddy. But I don't like to have you running away from +me when I'm at a hotel. I'd rather be home, anyhow. Can't I go +with you? Little Ted is well enough now to go home." + +"Not this time; but you can go up next Wednesday if you wish," +returned Thaddeus, with a slight show of embarrassment. + +And so it was settled, and Thaddeus went to town. On Wednesday they +all left the sea-shore to return to Phillipseburg. + +"Oh, how lovely it looks!" ejaculated Bessie, as she entered the +house, Norah having opened the door. "But--er--where's Jane, +Norah?" + +"Cookin' the dinner, mim." + +"Why, Jane can't cook." + +"If you please, mim, this is a new Jane." + +Bessie's parasol fell to the floor. "A wha-a-at?" she cried. + +"A new Jane. Misther Perkins has dispinsed with old Jane and Ellen, +mim." + +Bessie rushed up-stairs to her room and cried. The shock was too +sudden. She longed for Thaddeus, who had remained at the station +collecting the bath-tubs and other luxuries of the baby from the +luggage-van, to come. What did it all mean? Jane and Ellen gone! +New girls in their places! + +And then Thaddeus came, and made all plain to the little woman, and +when he was all through she was satisfied. He had discharged the +tyrants, and had supplied their places. The latter was the +important business which had taken him to town. + +"But, Teddy," Bessie said, with a smile, when she had heard all, +"how did poor mild little you ever have the courage to face those +two women and give them their discharge?" + +Teddy blushed. "I didn't," he answered, meekly; "I wrote it." + +Five years have passed since then, and all has gone well. Thaddeus +has remained free, and, as he proudly observes, domestics now +tremble at his approach--that is, all except Norah, who remembers +him as of old. Ellen and Jane are living together in affluence, +having saved their wages for nearly the whole of their term of +"service." Bessie is happy in the possession of two fine boys, to +whom all her attention--all save a little reserved for Thaddeus--is +given; and, as for the dubious, auburn-haired, and distinctly Celtic +Norah, Thaddeus is afraid that she is developing into a "treasure." + +"Why do you think so?" Bessie asked him, when he first expressed +that fear. + +"Oh, she has the symptoms," returned Thaddeus. "She has taken three +nights off this week." + + + +MR. BRADLEY'S JEWEL + + + +Thaddeus was tired, and, therefore, Thaddeus was grumpy. One +premise only was necessary for the conclusion--in fact, it was the +only premise upon which a conclusion involving Thaddeus's grumpiness +could find a foothold. If Thaddeus felt rested, everything in the +world could go wrong and he would smile as sweetly as ever; but with +the slightest trace of weariness in his system the smile would fade, +wrinkles would gather on his forehead, and grumpiness set in whether +things were right or wrong. On this special occasion to which I +refer, things were just wrong enough to give him a decent excuse-- +outside of his weariness--for his irritation. Norah, the housemaid, +had officiously undertaken to cover up the shortcomings of John, who +should have blacked Thaddeus's boots, and who had taken his day off +without preparing the extra pair which the lord of the manor had +expected to wear that evening. It was nice of the housemaid, of +course, to try to black the extra pair to keep John out of trouble, +but she might have been more discriminating. It was not necessary +for her to polish, until they shone like Claude Lorraine glasses, +two right boots, one of which, paradoxical as it may seem, was +consequently the wrong boot; so that when Thaddeus came to dress for +the evening's diversion there was nowhere to be found in his shoe- +box a bit of leathern gear in which his left foot might appear in +polite society to advantage. Possibly Thaddeus might have endured +the pain of a right boot on a left foot, had not Norah unfortunately +chosen for that member a box-toed boot, while for the right she had +selected one with a very decided acute angle at its toe-end. + +"Just like a woman!" ejaculated Thaddeus, angrily. + +"Yes," returned Bessie, missing Thaddeus's point slightly. "It was +very thoughtful of Norah to look after John's work, knowing how +important it was to you." + +Fortunately Thaddeus was out of breath trying to shine up the other +pointed-toe shoe, so that his only reply to this was a look, which +Bessie, absorbed as she was in putting the studs in Thaddeus's +shirt, did not see. If she had seen it, I doubt if she would have +been so entirely happy as the tender little song she was humming +softly to herself seemed to indicate that she was. + +"Some people are born lucky!" growled Thaddeus, as he finished +rubbing up the left boot, giving it a satin finish which hardly +matched the luminous brilliance of its mate, though he said it would +do. "There's Bradley, now; he never has any domestic woes of this +sort, and he pays just half what we do for his servants." + +"Oh, Mr. Bradley. I don't like him!" ejaculated Bessie. "You are +always talking about Mr. Bradley, as if he had an automaton for a +servant." + +"No, I don't say he has an automaton," returned Thaddeus. +"Automatons don't often work, and Bradley's jewel does. Her name is +Mary, but Bradley always calls her his jewel." + +"I've heard of jewels," said Bessie, thinking of the two Thaddeus +and she had begun their married life with, "but they've always +seemed to me to be paste emeralds--awfully green, and lot worth +much." + +"There's no paste emerald about Bradley's girl," said Thaddeus. +"Why, he says that woman has been in Mrs. Bradley's employ for seven +weeks now, and she hasn't broken a bit of china; never sweeps dust +under the beds or bureaus; keeps the silver polished so that it +looks as if it were solid; gets up at six every morning; cooks well; +is civil, sober, industrious; has no hangers-on--" + +"Is Mr. Bradley a realist or a romancer?" asked Bessie. + +"Why do you ask that?" replied Thaddeus. + +"That jewel story sounds like an Arabian Nights tale," said Bessie. +"I don't believe that it is more than half true, and that half is +exaggerated." + +"Well, it IS true," said Thaddeus. "And, what is more, the girl +helps in the washing, plays with the children, and on her days out +she stays at home and does sewing." + +Bessie laughed. "She must be a regular Koh-i-noor," she said. "I +suppose Mr. Bradley pays her a thousand dollars a month." + +"No, he doesn't; he pays her twelve," said Thaddeus. + +"Then he is just what I said he was," snapped Bessie--"a mean thing. +The idea--twelve dollars a month for all that! Why, if she could +prove she was all that you say she is, she could make ten times that +amount by exhibiting herself. She is a curiosity. But if I were +Mrs. Bradley I wouldn't have her in the house. So many virtues +piled one on the other are sure to make an unsafe structure, and I +believe some poor, miserable little vice will crop out somewhere and +upset the whole thing." + +"You are jealous," said Thaddeus; and then he went out. + +The next day, meeting his friend Bradley on the street, Thaddeus +greeted him with a smile, and said, "Mrs. Perkins thinks you ought +to take up literature." + +"Why so?" asked Bradley. + +"She thinks De Foe and Scott and Dumas and Stevenson would be thrown +into the depths of oblivion if you were to write up that jewel of +yours," said Thaddeus. "She thinks your Mary is one of the finest, +most imaginative creations of modern days." + +"She doubts her existence, eh?" smiled Bradley. + +"Well, she thinks she's more likely to be a myth than a Smith," said +Thaddeus. "She told me to ask you if Mary has a twin-sister, and to +say that if you hear of her having any relatives at all--and no +domestic ever lived who hadn't--to send her their addresses. She'd +like to employ a few." + +"I am sorry Mrs. Perkins is so blinded by jealousy," said Bradley, +with a smile. "And I regret to say that Mary hasn't a cousin on the +whole police force, or, in fact, any kind of a relative whatsoever, +unless she prevaricates." + +"Too bad," said Thaddeus. "I had a vague hope we could stock up on +jewels of her kind. Where did you get her, anyhow--Tiffany's?" + +"No. At an unintelligence office," said Bradley. "She was a last +resort. We had to have some one, and she was the only girl there. +We took her for a week on trial without references, and, by Jove! +she turned out a wonder." + +Thaddeus grinned, and said: "Give her time, Bradley. By-the-way, +at what hours is she on exhibition? I'd like to see her." + +"Come up to-night and test the truth of what I say," said Bradley. +"I won't let anybody know you are coming, and you'll see her just as +we see her. What do you say?" + +The temptation was too strong for Thaddeus to resist, and so it was +that Bessie received a telegram that afternoon from her beloved, +stating that he would dine with Bradley, and return home on a late +train. The telegram concluded with the line, "I'M GOING TO APPRAISE +THE ESCAPED CROWN-JEWEL." + +Bessie chuckled at this, and stayed up until long after the arrival +of the last train, so interested was she to hear from Thaddeus all +about the Bradley jewel, who, as she said, "seemed too good to be +true"; but she was finally forced to retire disappointed and +somewhat anxious, for Thaddeus did not return home that night. + +Somewhere in the neighborhood of eight o'clock the next morning +Bessie received a second telegram, which read as follows: + +"DO NOT WORRY. I AM ALL RIGHT. WILL BE HOME ABOUT NINE, HAVE +BREAKFAST." + +"Now I wonder what on earth can have kep him?" Bessie said. +"Something has happened, I am sure. Perhaps an accident on the +elevated, or maybe--" + +She did not finish the sentence, but rushed into the library and +snatched up the morning paper, scanning its every column in the +expectation, if not hope, of finding that some horrible disaster had +occurred, in which her Thaddeus might have been involved. The paper +disclosed nothing of the sort. Only a few commonplace murders, the +usual assortment of defalcations, baseball prophecies, and political +prognostications could Bessie discover therein. Never, in fact, had +the newspaper seemed so uninteresting--not even a bargain-counter +announcement was there--and with an impatient, petulant stamp of her +little foot she threw the journal from her and returned to the +dining-room. It was then half-past eight, and, hardly able to +contain herself with excitement, Bessie sat down by the window, and +almost, if not quite, counted every swing of the pendulum that +pushed the hands of the chock on to the desired hour. She could not +eat, and not until curiosity was gratified as to what it was that +had detained Thaddeus, and that, more singular still, was bringing +him home instead of sending him to business at nine o'clock in the +morning, could she, in fact, do anything? + +Finally, the grinding sounds of carriage wheels on the gravel road +without were heard, and in an instant Bessie was at the door to +welcome the prodigal. And what a Thaddeus it was that came home +that morning! His eyes showed conclusively that he had had no +sleep, save the more or less unsatisfactory napping which suburban +residents get on the trains. His beautiful pearl-gray scarf, that +so became him when he left home the previous morning, was not +anywhere in sight. His cheek was scratched, and every button that +his vest had ever known had taken wings unto itself and flown, +Bessie knew not whither. And yet, tired out as he was, dishevelled +as he was, Thaddeus was not grumpy, but inclined rather to explosive +laughter as he entered the house. + +"Why, Thaddeus!" cried Bessie, in alarm. "What on earth is the +matter with you? You look as if you had been in a riot." + +"That's a pretty good guess, my dear," returned Thaddeus, with a +laugh, "but not quite the right one." + +"But tell me, what have you been doing? Where have you been?" + +"At Bradley's, my love." + +"You haven't been--been quarrelling with Mr. Bradley?" + +"No. Bradley's jewel has proved your husband's Waterloo, as well as +the Sedan of Bradley himself," returned Thaddeus, throwing his head +back and bursting out into a loud guffaw. + +"I am not good at riddles, Thaddeus," said Bessie, "and I haven't +laughed much myself since that last train came in last night and +didn't bring you. I think you might tell me--" + +"Why, my dear little girl," said Thaddeus, walking to her side and +kissing her, "I didn't mean to keep you in suspense, and of course +I'll tell you." + +Then, as they ate their breakfast, Thaddeus explained. "I told +Bradley that you were a sceptic on the subject of his jewel," he +said, "and he offered to prove that she was eighteen carats fine by +taking me home with him, an unexpected guest, by which act he would +test her value to my satisfaction. Of course, having cast doubts +upon her excellence, I had to accent, and at half-past five he and I +boarded an elevated train for Harlem. At six we stood before +Bradley's front door, and as he had left his keys at the office, he +rang the bell and waited. It was a long wait, considering the +presence of a jewel within doors. It must have lasted fifteen +minutes, and even that would have been but the beginning, in spite +of repeated and continuous pulling of the bell-handle, had we not +determined to enter through the reception-room window." + +"Did you try the basement door?" queried Bessie, with a smile, for +it pleased her to hear that the jewel was not quite flawless. + +"Yes," said Thaddeus. "We rang four times at the basement, and I +should say seven times at the front door, and then we took to the +window. Bradley's is one of those narrow English-basement houses +with a small yard in front, so that the reception-room window is +easy to reach by climbing over the vault leading to the basement +door, which is more or less of a cellar entrance. Fortunately the +window was unlocked. I say fortunately, because it enabled us to +get into the house, though if I were sitting on a jury I think I +should base an indictment--one of criminal negligence--of the Jewel +on the fact that it was unlocked. It was just the hour, you know, +when policemen yawn and sneak-thieves prowl." + +"How careless!" vouchsafed Bessie. + +"Very," said Thaddeus. "But this time it worked for the good of all +concerned, although my personal appearance doesn't give any +indication that I gained anything by it. In fact, it would have +been better for me if the house had been hermetically sealed." + +"Don't dally so much, Thaddeus," put in Bessie. "I'm anxious to +hear what happened." + +"Well, of course Bradley was very much concerned," continued +Thaddeus. "It was bad enough not to be able to attract the maid's +attention by ringing, but when he noticed that the house was as dark +as pitch, and that despite the clanging of the bell, which could be +heard all over the neighborhood, even his wife didn't come to the +door, he was worried; and he was more worried than ever when he got +inside. We lit the gas in the hall, and walked back into the +dining-room, where we also lighted up, and such confusion as was +there you never saw! The table-cloth was in a heap on the floor; +Bradley's candelabra, of which he was always so proud, were bent and +twisted out of shape under the table; glasses broken beyond +redemption were strewn round about; and a mixture of pepper, salt, +and sugar was over everything." + +"'I believe there have been thieves here,' said Bradley, his face +turning white. And then he went to the foot of the stairs and +called up to his wife, but there no answer. + +"Then he started on a dead run up the stair. Above all was in +confusion, as in the dining-room. Vases were broken, pictures hung +awry on the walls; but nowhere was Mrs. Bradley or one of the +Bradley children to be seen. + +"Then we began a systematic search of the house. Everywhere +everything was upside-down, and finally we came to a door on the +third story back, leading into the children's play-room, and as we +turned the knob and tried to open it we heard Mrs. Bradley's voice +from within. + +"'Who's there?' she said, her voice all of a tremble. + +"'It is I!' returned Bradley. 'Open the door. What is the meaning +of all this?' + +"'Oh, I'm so glad you have come!' returned Mrs. Bradley, with a sob, +and then we heard sounds as of the moving of heavy furniture. Mrs. +Bradley, for some as yet unexplained reason, seemed to have +barricaded herself in. + +"Finally the door was opened, and Mrs. Bradley buried her face on +her husband's shoulder and sobbed hysterically. + +"'What on earth is the matter?' asked Bradley, as his children +followed their mother's lead, except that they buried their faces in +his coat-tail pockets. 'What has happened?' + +"'Mary!' gasped Mrs. Bradley." + +"The jewel?" asked Bessie. + +"The same," returned Thaddeus, with a smile. "She was the jewel, +alas! now deprived of her former glorious setting. + +"'What's the matter with Mary?' asked Bradley. + +"'She's been behaving outrageously. I found her this morning,' said +Mrs. Bradley, 'rummaging through my escritoire, throwing things all +over the floor; and when I remonstrated she said she was looking for +a sheet of paper on which to write a letter. I told her she should +have asked me for it, and she replied impertinently that she never +asked favors of anybody. I told her to leave the room, and she +declined to do it, picking up a sofa-pillow and throwing it at me. +I was so overcome I nearly fainted.'" + +"I should think she would have been overcome! Such impudence!" said +Bessie. + +"Humph!" said Thaddeus. "That isn't a marker to what followed. +Why, according to Mrs. Bradley's story, that escaped Koh-i-noor +called her all sorts of horrible names, threw an empty ink-pot at a +photograph of Bradley himself, that stood on the mantel, and then, +grabbing up a whisk-broom, literally swept everything else there was +on the mantel off to the floor with it. This done, she began to +overturn chairs with an ardor born of temper, apparently; and, +finally, Mrs. Bradley got so frightened that she ran from the room, +and the jewel started in pursuit. Straight to the nursery ran the +lady of the house--for there was where the children were, playing +house, no doubt, with little idea that jewels sometimes +deteriorated. Once in the nursery, Mrs. Bradley slammed the door +to, locked it, and then, still fearful, rolled before it the bureau +and the children's cribs. After that the actions of the jewel could +only be surmised. The door was pounded and the atmosphere of the +hall was rent with violent harangues; then a hurried step was heard +as the jewel presumably sailed below-stairs; then crashings were +heard--crashings which might have indicated the smashing of windows, +of picture-glass, of mirrors, chairs, and other household +appurtenances, after which, Mrs. Bradley observed, all became +still." + +"Mercy! what a trial!" said Bessie. + +"And was she locked up in the nursery all day?" + +"From twelve until we rescued her at a little after six," said +Thaddeus. "Then Bradley and I started out to find the jewel, if +possible, and I regret to say that it was possible. We found her +asleep on the kitchen table, and Bradley hadn't any more sense than +to try and wake her up. He succeeded too well. For the next ten +minutes she was the most wide-awake woman you ever saw, and she kept +us wide awake too. The minute she opened her eyes and saw us +standing before her, she sprang to her feet and made a rush at +Bradley, for which he was totally unprepared, the consequence of +which was that in an instant he found himself sitting in a very +undignified manner, for the head of the house, on the kitchen floor, +trying to collect his somewhat scattered faculties. + +"When she had persuaded Bradley to take a seat, she turned to shower +her attentions on me. I jumped to one side, but she managed to grab +hold of my vest, and hence its buttonless condition. By this time +Bradley was on his feet again, and, having had the temerity to face +his jewel the second time, he again came off second best, losing one +of the button-holes of his collar in the melee. I rushed in from +behind, and flirtatiously, perhaps, tried to grab hold of her hands, +coming off the field minus a necktie, but plus that picturesque +scratch you see on my nose. Stopping a moment to count up my profit +and loss, I let Bradley make the next assault, which resulted in a +drawn battle, Bradley losing his watch and his temper, the jewel +losing her breath and her balance. So it went on for probably three +or four minutes longer, though we certainly acquired several years +of experience in those short minutes, until finally we managed to +conquer her. This done, we locked her up in a closet." + +"Had she been at the cooking-sherry?" asked Bessie. + +"We thought so at first, and Bradley sent for a policeman," said +Thaddeus "but when he came we found the poor creature too exhausted +to be moved, and in a very short while Mrs. Bradley decided that it +was a case for a doctor and not for a police-justice. So the doctor +was summoned, and we waited, dinnerless, in the dining-room for his +verdict, and finally it came. BRADLEY'S JEWEL WAS INSANE!" + +"Insane!" echoed Bessie. + +"Mad as a hatter," replied Thaddeus. + +"Well, I declare!" said Bessie, thoughtfully. "But, Thaddeus, do +you know I am not surprised." + +"Why, my dear?" he asked. + +"Because, Teddy, she was too perfect to be in her right mind." + +And Thaddeus, after thinking it all over, was inclined to believe +that Bessie was in the right. + +"Yes, Bess, she was perfect--perfect in the way she did her work, +perfect in the way she smashed things, and nowhere did she more +successfully show the thoroughness with which she did everything +than when it came to removing the buttons from my vest. Isn't it +too bad that the only perfect servant that ever lived should turn +out to be a hopeless maniac? But I must hurry off, or I'll miss my +train." + +"You are not going down to town to-day?" asked Bessie. + +"To-day, above all other days, am I going down," returned Thaddeus. +"I am enough of a barbarian to be unwilling to lose the chance of +seeing Bradley, and asking him how he and his jewel get along." + +"Thaddeus!" + +"Why not, my dear?" + +"It would be too mean for anything." + +"Well, perhaps you are right. I guess I won't. But he has rubbed +it into me so much about our domestics that I hate to lose the +chance to hit back." + +"Has he?" said Bessie, her face flushing indignantly, and, it may be +added, becomingly. "In that case, perhaps, you might--ha! ha!-- +perhaps you might telegraph and ask him." + +And Thaddeus did so. As yet he has received no reply. + + + +UNEXPECTED POMP AT THE PERKINS'S + + + +"My dear," said Thaddeus, one night, as he and Mrs. Perkins entered +the library after dinner, "that was a very good dinner to-night. +Don't you think so?" + +"All except the salmon," said Bessie, with a smile. + +"Salmon?" echoed Thaddeus. "Salmon? I did not see any salmon." + +"No," said Bessie, "that was just the trouble. It didn't come up, +although it was in the house before dinner, I'm certain. I saw it +arrive." + +"Ellen couldn't have known you intended it for dinner," said +Thaddeus. + +"Yes, she knew it was for dinner," returned Bessie, "but she made a +mistake as to whose dinner it was for. She supposed it was bought +for the kitchen-table, and when I went down-stairs to inquire about +it a few minutes ago it was fulfilling its assumed mission nobly. +There wasn't much left but the tail and one fin." + +"Well!" ejaculated Thaddeus, "I call that a pretty cool proceeding. +Did you give her a talking to?" + +"No," Bessie replied, shortly; "I despise a domestic fuss, so I +pretended I'd gone down to talk about breakfast. We'll have +breakfast an hour or two earlier to-morrow, dear." + +"What's that for?" queried Thaddeus, his eyes open wide with +astonishment. "You are not going shopping, are you?" + +"No, Teddy, I'm not; but when I got downstairs and realized that +Ellen had made the natural mistake of supposing the fish was for the +down-stairs dinner, this being Friday, I had to think of something +to say, and nothing would come except that we wanted breakfast at +seven instead of at eight. It doesn't do to have servants suspect +you of spying upon them, nor is it wise ever to appear flustered--so +mamma says--in their presence. I avoided both by making Ellen +believe I'd come down to order an early breakfast." + +"You are a great Bessie," said Thaddeus, with a laugh. "I admire +you more than ever, my dear, and to prove it I'd get up to breakfast +if you'd ordered it at 1 A.M." + +"You'd be more likely to stay up to it," said Bessie, "and then go +to bed after it." + +"There's your Napoleonic mind again," said Thaddeus. "I should +never have thought of that way out of it. But, Bess," he continued, +"when I was praising to-night's dinner I had a special object in +view. I think Ellen cooks well enough now to warrant us in giving a +dinner, don't you?" + +"Well, it all depends on what we have for dinner," said Bessie. +"Ellen's biscuits are atrocious, I think, and you know how lumpy the +oatmeal always is." + +"Suppose we try giving a dinner with the oatmeal and biscuit courses +left out?" suggested Thaddeus, with a grin. + +Bessie's eyes twinkled. "You make very bright after-dinner +speeches, Teddy," she said. "I don't see why we can't have a dinner +with nothing but pretty china, your sparkling conversation, and a +few flowers strewn about. It would be particularly satisfactory to +me." + +"They're not all angels like you, my dear," Thaddeus returned. +"There's Bradley, for instance. He'd die of starvation before we +got to the second course in a dinner of that kind, and if there is +any one thing that can cast a gloom over a dinner, it is to have one +of the guests die of starvation right in the middle of it." + +"Mr. Bradley would never do so ungentlemanly a thing," said Bessie, +laughing heartily. "He is too considerate a man for that; he'd +starve in silence and without ostentation." + +"Why this sudden access of confidence in Bradley?" queried Thaddeus. +"I thought you didn't like him?" + +"Neither I did, until that Sunday he spent with us," Bessie +answered. "I've admired him intensely ever since. Don't you +remember, we had lemon pie for dinner--one I made myself?" + +"Yes, I remember," said Thaddeus; "but I fail to see the connection +between lemon pie and Bradley. Bradley is not sour or crusty." + +"You wouldn't have failed to see if you'd watched Mr. Bradley at +dinner," retorted Bessie. "He ate two pieces of it." + +"And just because a man eats two pieces of lemon pie prepared by +your own fair hands you whirl about, and, from utterly disliking +him, call him, upon the whole, one of the most admirable products of +the human race?" said Thaddeus. + +"Not at all," Bessie replied, with a broad smile; "but I did admire +the spirit and politeness of the man. On our way home from church +in the morning we were talking about the good times children have on +their little picnics, and Mr. Bradley said he never enjoyed a picnic +in his life, because every one he had ever gone to was ruined by the +baleful influence of lemon pie." + +Thaddeus laughed. "Then he didn't like lemon pie?" he asked. + +"No, he hated it," said Bessie, joining in the laugh. "He added +that the original receipt for it came out of Pandora's box." + +"Poor Bradley!" cried Thaddeus, throwing his head back in a paroxysm +of mirth. "Hated pie--declared his feelings--and then to be +confronted by it at dinner." + +"He behaved nobly," said Bessie. "Ate his first piece like a man, +and then called for a second, like a hero, when you remarked that it +was of my make." + +"You ought to have told him it wasn't necessary, Bess," said +Thaddeus. + +"I felt that way myself at first," Bessie explained; "but then I +thought I wouldn't let him know I remembered what he had said." + +"I fancy that was better," said Thaddeus. "But about that dinner. +What do you say to our inviting the Bradleys, Mr. and Mrs. Phillips, +the Robinsons, and the Twinings?" + +"How many does that make? Eight besides ourselves?" asked Bessie, +counting upon her fingers. + +"Yes--ten altogether," said Thaddeus. + +"It can't be done, dear," said Bessie. "We have only eight fruit +plates." + +"Can't you and I go without fruit?" Thaddeus asked. + +"Not very well," laughed Bessie. "It would never do." + +"They might think the fruit was poisoned if we did, eh?" suggested +Thaddeus. + +"Besides, Mary never could serve dinner for ten; eight is her +number. Last time we had ten people, don't you remember, she +dropped a tray full of dishes, and poured the claret into the +champagne glasses?" + +"Oh, yes, so she did," said Thaddeus. "That's how we came to have +only eight fruit plates. I remember. I don't think it was the +number of people at the table, though. It was Twining caused the +trouble, he had just made the pleasant remark that he wouldn't have +an Irish servant in his house, when Mary fired the salute." + +"Then that settles it," said Bessie. "We'll cut the Twinings out, +and ask the others. I don't care much for Mrs. Twining, anyhow; +she's nothing but clothes and fidgets." + +"And Twining doesn't do much but ask you what you think of certain +things, and then tell you you are all wrong when he finds out," said +Thaddeus. "Yes, it's just as well to cut them off this time. We'll +make it for eight, and have it a week from Thursday night." + +"That's Mary's night off," said Bessie. + +"Then how about having it Friday?" + +"That's Maggie's night off, and there won't be anybody to mind the +baby." + +"Humph!" said Thaddeus. "I wish there were a baby safe-deposit +company somewhere. Can't your mother come over and look after him?" + +"No," said Bessie, "she can't. The child always develops something +every time mother comes. Not, of course, that I believe she gives +it to him, but she looks for things, don't you know." + +"Yes," said Thaddeus, "I know. Then make it Wednesday. That's my +busy day down-town, and I shan't be able to get home much before +half-past six, but if dinner is at seven, there will be time enough +for me to dress." + +"Very well," said Bessie. "I will write the invitations to-morrow, +and, meanwhile, you and I can get up the menu." + +"Oysters to begin with, of course," said Thaddeus. + +"I suppose so," said Bessie, "though, you remember, the last time we +had oysters you had to open them, because the man from the market +didn't get here until half-past seven." + +"And Ellen had never opened any except with a tack-hammer," said +Thaddeus. "Yes, I remember. But lightning never strikes twice in +the same place. Put down the oysters. Then we'll have some kind of +a puree--celery puree, eh?" + +"That will be very good if Ellen can be induced to keep it thick." + +"Perhaps we'd better tell her we want a celery consomme," suggested +Thaddeus. "Then it will be sure to be as thick as a dictionary." + +"I guess it will be all right," said Bessie. "What kind of fish?" + +"Bradley likes salmon; Robinson likes sole; Phillips likes +whitebait, and so do I." + +"We'll have whitebait," said Bessie, simply. "Then a saddle of +mutton?" + +"Yes, and an entree of some kind, and next individual ruddy ducks." + +"No Roman punch?" + +"We can get along without that, I think," said Thaddeus. "We want +to keep this dinner down to Mary's comprehension, and I'm afraid she +wouldn't know what to make of an ice in the middle of the dinner. +The chances are she'd want to serve it hot." + +"All right, Teddy. What next?" + +"I would suggest a lemon pie for Bradley," smiled Thaddeus. + +"What do you say to Ellen's making one of her tipsy-cakes?" +suggested Bessie. + +"Just the thing," said Thaddeus, smacking his lips with enthusiasm. +"I could eat a million of 'em. Then we can finish up with coffee +and fruit." + +So it was settled. The invitations were sent out, and Bessie +devoted her energies for the next ten days to making ready. + +Ellen's culinary powers were tested at every meal. For dinner one +night she was requested to prepare the puree, which turned out to be +eminently satisfactory. Thaddeus gave her a few practical lessons +in the art of opening oysters, an art of which he had become a +master in his college days--in fact, if his own words were to be +believed, it was the sole accomplishment he had there acquired which +gave any significance whatever to his degree of B. A.--so that in +case the "fish gentleman" failed to appear in time nothing +disastrous might result. Other things out the menu were also +ordered at various times, and all went so well that when Thaddeus +left home on the chosen Wednesday morning, it was with a serene +sense of good times ahead. The invited guests had accepted, and +everything was promising. + +As Thaddeus had said, Wednesday was his busy day, and never had it +been busier than upon this occasion. Everything moved smoothly, but +there was a great deal to move, and finally, when all was done, and +Thaddeus rose to leave his desk, it was nearly six o'clock, and +quite impossible for him to reach home before seven. "I shall be +late," he said, as he hurried off; and he was right. He arrived at +home coincidently with his guests, rushed to his room, and dressed. +But one glimpse had he of Bessie, and that was as they passed on the +stairs, she hurrying down to receive her guests, he hurrying up to +change his clothes. + +"Oh, Thad!" was all she said, but to Thaddeus it was disconcerting. + +"What is the matter, dear?" he asked. + +"Nothing; I'll tell you later. Hurry," she gasped, "or the dinner +will be spoiled." + +Thaddeus hurried as he never hurried before, and in fifteen minutes +walked, immaculate as to attire, into the drawing-room, where +Bessie, her color heightened to an unusual degree, and her usually +bright eyes fairly flaming with an unwonted brilliance, was +entertaining the Bradleys, the Phillipses, and the Robinsons. + +"Didn't expect me, did you?" said Thaddeus, as he entered the room. + +"No," said Bradley, dryly. "This is an unexpected pleasure. I +didn't even know you were a friend of the family." + +"Well, I am," said Thaddeus. "One of the oldest friends I've got, +in fact, which is my sole excuse for keeping you waiting. Old +friends are privileged--eh, Mrs. Robinson?" + +"Dinner is served," came a deep bass voice from the middle of the +doorway. + +Thaddeus jumped as if he had seen a ghost, and, turning to see what +could have caused the strange metamorphosis in the soprano tremolo +of Mary's voice, was astonished to observe in the parting of the +portieres not the more or less portly Mary, but a huge, burly, +English-looking man, bowing in a most effective and graceful fashion +to Mrs. Bradley, and then straightening himself up into a pose as +rigid and uncompromising as that of a marble statue. + +"What on earth--" began Thaddeus, with a startled look of inquiry at +Bessie. But she only shook her head, and put her finger to her +lips, enjoining silence, which Thaddeus, fortunately, had the good +sense to understand, even if his mind was not equal to the fathoming +of that other mystery, the pompous and totally unexpected butler. + +But if Thaddeus was surprised to see the butler, he was amazed at +the dinner which the butler served. Surely, he thought, if Ellen +can prepare a dinner like this, she ought to be above taking sixteen +dollars and a home a month. It was simply a regal repast. The +oysters were delicious, and the puree was superior to anything +Thaddeus had ever eaten in the line of soups in his life--only it +was lobster puree, and ten times better than Ellen's general run of +celery puree. He winked his eye to denote his extreme satisfaction +to Bessie when he thought no one was looking, but was overwhelmed +with mortification when he observed that the wink had been seen by +the overpowering butler, who looked sternly at him, as much as to +say, "'Ow wery wulgar!" + +"I must congratulate your cook upon her lobster puree, Mrs. +Perkins," said Mr. Phillips. "It is delicious." + +"Yes," put in Thaddeus. "But you ought to taste her celery puree. +She is undoubtedly great on purees." + +Bessie coughed slightly and shook her head at Thaddeus, and Thaddeus +thought he detected the germ of a smile upon the cold face of the +butler. He was not sure about it, but it curdled his blood just a +little, because that ghost of a smile seemed to have just a tinge of +a sneer in it. + +"This isn't the same cook you had last time, is it?" asked Bradley. + +"Yes," said Thaddeus. "Same one, though it was my wife who made +that lem- " + +"Thaddeus," interrupted Bessie, "Mrs. Robinson tells me that she and +Mr. Robinson are going down to New York to the theatre on Friday +night. Can't we all go?" + +"Certainly," said Thaddeus. "I'm in on any little diversion of that +sort. Why, what's this?--er--why, yes, of course. Phillips, you'll +go; and you, too, eh, Bradley?" + +Thaddeus was evidently much upset again; for, instead of the +whitebait he and Bessie had decided upon for their fish course, the +butler had entered, bearing in a toplofty fashion a huge silver +platter, upon which lay a superb salmon, beautifully cooked and +garnished. This he was now holding before Thaddeus, and stood +awaiting his nod of approval before serving it. Inasmuch as +Thaddeus not only expected whitebait, but had also never before seen +the silver platter, it is hardly surprising that he should sit +staring at the fish in a puzzled sort of way. He recovered shortly, +however, gave the nod the butler was waiting for, and the dinner +proceeded. And what a dinner it was! Each new course in turn +amazed Thaddeus far more than the course that had preceded it; and +now, when the butler, whom Thaddeus had got more or less used to, +came in bearing a bottle of wine, followed by another stolid, well- +dressed person, who might have been his twin-brother and who was in +reality no more than assistant to the other, Thaddeus began to fear +that the wine he had partaken of had brought about that duplication +of sight which is said to be one of the symptoms of over-indulgence. +Either that or he was dreaming, he thought; and the alternative was +not a pleasant one, for Thaddeus did not over-indulge, and as a +person of intellect he did not deem it the proper thing to dream at +the dinner-table, since the first requisite of dreaming is falling +asleep. This Thaddeus never did in polite society. + +To say that he could scarcely contain himself for curiosity to know +what had occurred to bring about this singular condition of affairs +is to put it with a mildness which justice to Thaddeus compels me to +term criminal. Yet, to his credit be it said, that through the +whole of the repast, which lasted for two hours, he kept silent, and +but for a slight nervousness of manner no one would have suspected +that he was not as he had always been. Indeed, to none of the +party, not even excepting his wife, did Thaddeus appear to be +anything but what he should be. But when, finally, the ladies had +withdrawn and the men remained over the coffee and cigars, he was +compelled to undergo a still severer test upon his loyalty to +Bessie, whose signal to him to accept all and say nothing he was so +nobly obeying. + +Bradley began it. "I didn't know you'd changed from women to men +servants, Perkins?" + +"YES," said Thaddeus "we've changed." + +"Rather good change, don't you think?" + +"Splendid," said Phillips. "That fellow served the dinner like a +prince." + +"I don't believe he's any more than a duke, though," said Bradley. +"His manner was quite ducal--in fact, too ducal, if Perkins will let +me criticise. He made me feel like a poor, miserable, red-blooded +son of the people. I wanted an olive, and, by Jove, I didn't dare +ask for it." + +"That wasn't his fault," said Robinson, with a laugh. "You forget +that you live in a country where red blood is as good as blue. +Where did you get him, Thaddeus?" + +Thaddeus looked like a rat in a corner with a row of cats to the +fore. + +"Oh!--we--er--we got him from--dear me! I never can remember. Mrs. +Perkins can tell you, though," he stammered. "She looks after the +menagerie." + +"What's his name?" asked Phillips. + +Thaddeus's mind was a blank. He could not for the life of him think +what name a butler would be likely to have, but in a moment he +summoned up nerve enough to speak. + +"Grimmins," he said, desperately. + +"Sounds like a Dickens' character," said Robinson. "Does he cost +you very + +"Oh no--not so very much," said Thaddeus, whose case was now so +desperate that he resolved to put a stop to it all. Unfortunately, +his method of doing so was not by telling the truth, but by a flight +of fancy in which he felt he owed it to Bessie to indulge. + +"No--he doesn't cost much," he repeated, boldly. "Fact is, he is a +man we've known for a great many years. He--er--he used to be +butler in my grandfather's house in Philadelphia, and--er--and I was +there a great deal of the time as a boy, and Grimmins and I were +great friends. When my grandfather died Grimmins disappeared, and +until last month I never heard a word of him, and then he wrote to +me stating that he was out of work and poor as a fifty-cent table- +d'hote dinner, and would like employment at nominal wages if he +could get a home with it. We were just getting rid of our waitress, +and so I offered Grimmins thirty a month, board, lodging, and +clothes. He came on; I gave him one of my old dress-suits, set him +to work, and there you are." + +"I thought you said a minute ago Mrs. Perkins got him?" said +Bradley, who is one of those disagreeable men with a memory. + +"I thought you were talking about the cook," said Thaddeus, +uneasily. "Weren't you talking about the cook?" + +"No; but we ought to have been," said Phillips, with enthusiasm. +"She's the queen of cooks. What do you pay her?" + +"Sixteen," said Thaddeus, glad to get back on the solid ground of +truth once more. + +"What?" cried Phillips. "Sixteen, and can cook like that? Take me +down and introduce me, will you, Perkins? I'd like to offer her +seventeen to come and cook for me." + +"Let's join the ladies," said Thaddeus, abruptly. "There's no use +of our wasting our sweetness upon each other." + +If the head of the house had expected to be relieved from his +unfortunate embarrassments by joining the ladies, he was doomed to +bitter disappointment, for the conversation abandoned at the table +was resumed in the drawing-room. The dinner had been too much of a +success to be forgotten readily. + +Thaddeus's troubles were set going again when he overheard Phillips +saying to Bessie, "Thaddeus has been telling us the remarkable story +of Grimmins." + +Nor were his woes lightened any when he caught Bessie's reply: +"Indeed? What story is that?" + +"Why, the story of the butler--Grimmins, you know. How you came to +get him, and all that," said Phillips. "Really, you are to be +congratulated." + +"I am glad to know you feel that way," said Bessie, simply, with a +glance at Thaddeus which was full of wonderment. + +"He is a treasure," said Bradley; "but your cook is a whole chestful +of treasures. And how fortunate you and Thaddeus are! The idea of +there being anywhere in the world a person of such ability in her +vocation, and so poor a notion of her worth!" + +Thaddeus breathed again, now that the cook was under discussion. He +knew all about her. + +"Yes, indeed," said Bessie. "He did well." + +"I mean the cook," returned Bradley. "You mean she did well, don't +you?" + +What Bessie would have answered, or what Thaddeus would have done +next if the conversation had been continued, can be a matter of +unprofitable speculation only, for at this point a wail from above- +stairs showed that Master Perkins had awakened, and the ladies, +considerate of Bessie's maternal feelings, promptly rose to take +their leave, and in ten minutes she and Thaddeus were alone. + +"What on earth is the story of Grimmins, Thaddeus?" she asked, as +the door closed upon the departing guests. + +Thaddeus threw himself wearily down upon the sofa and explained. He +told her all he had said about the butler and the cook. + +'That's the story of Grimmins," he said, when he had finished. + +"Oh, dear me, dear me!" cried Bessie, "you told the men that, and I- +-I, Thaddeus, told the women the truth. Why, it's--it's awful. +You'll never hear the end of it." + +"Well, now that they know the truth. Bess," Thaddeus said, "suppose +you let me into the secret. What on earth is the meaning of all +this--two butlers, silver platters, dinner fit for the gods, and +all?" + +"It's all because of the tipsy-cake," said Bessie. + +"The what?" asked Thaddeus, sitting up and gazing at his wife as if +he questioned her sanity. + +"The tipsy-cake," she repeated. "I gave Ellen the bottle of brandy +you gave me for the tipsy-cake, and--and she drank half of it." + +"And the other half?" + +"Mary drank that. They got word this morning that their brother was +very ill, and it upset them so I don't believe they knew what they +were doing; but at one o'clock, when I went down to lunch, there was +no lunch ready, and when I descended into the kitchen to find out +why, I found that the fire had gone out, and both girls were--both +girls were asleep on the cellar floor. They're there yet--locked +in; and all through dinner I was afraid they might come to, and-- +make a rumpus." + +"And the dinner?" said Thaddeus, a light breaking through into his +troubled mind. + +"I telegraphed to New York to Partinelli at once, telling him to +serve a dinner for eight here to-night, supplying service, cook, +dinner, and everything, and at four o'clock these men arrived and +took possession. It was the only thing I could do, Thad, wasn't +it?" + +"It was, Bess," said Thaddeus, gravely. "It was great; but--by +Jove, I wish I'd known, because--Did you really tell the ladies the +truth about it?" + +"Yes, I did," said Bessie. "They were so full of praises for +everything that I didn't think it was fair for me to take all the +credit of it, so I told them the whole thing." + +"That was right, too," said Thaddeus; "but those fellows will never +let me hear the end of that infernal Grimmins story. I almost wish +we--" + +"You wish what, Teddy dear?" + +"I almost wish we had not attempted the tipsy-cake, and had stuck to +my original suggestion," said Thaddeus. + +"What was that?" Bessie asked. + +"To have lemon pie for dessert, for Bradley's sake," answered +Thaddeus, as he locked the front door and turned off the gas. + + + +AN OBJECT-LESSON + + + +It was early in the autumn. Mr. and Mrs. Perkins, with their two +hopefuls, had returned from a month of rest at the mountains, and +the question of school for Thaddeus junior came up. + +"He is nearly six years old," said Bessie, "and I think he is quite +intelligent enough to go to school, don't you?" + +"Well, if you want my honest opinion," Thaddeus answered, "I think +he's intelligent enough to go without school for another year at +least. I don't want a hot-house boy, and I have always been opposed +to forcing these little minds that we are called upon by +circumstances to direct. It seems to me that the thing for us to do +is to hold them back, if anything. If Teddy goes to school now, +he'll be ready for college when he is twelve. He'll be graduated at +sixteen, and at twenty he'll be practising law. At twenty-five +he'll be leader of the bar; and then--what will there be left for +him to achieve at fifty? Absolutely nothing." + +Mrs. Perkins laughed. "You have great hopes for Teddy, haven't +you?" + +"Certainly I have," Thaddeus replied; "and why shouldn't I? Doesn't +he combine all my good qualities plus yours? How can he be anything +else than great?" + +"I am afraid there's a touch of vanity in you," said Mrs. Perkins, +with a smile. "That remark certainly indicates it." + +"No--it's not vanity in me," said Thaddeus. "It's confidence in +you. You've assured me so often of my perfection that I am +beginning to believe in it; and as for your perfection, I've always +believed in it. Hence, when I see Teddy combining your perfect +qualities with my own, I regard him as a supernaturally promising +person--that is, I do until he begins to show the influence of +contact with the hired man, and uses language which he never got +from you or from me." + +"Granting that he is great at twenty-five," said Mrs. Perkins, after +a few moments' reflection, "is that such a horrible thing?" + +"It isn't for the parents of the successful youth, but for the +successful youth himself it's something awful," returned Thaddeus, +with a convincing shake of the head. "If no one ever lived beyond +the age of thirty-five it wouldn't be so bad, but think of living to +be even so young as sixty, with a big reputation to sustain through +more than half of that period! I wouldn't want to have to sustain a +big name for twenty-five years. Success entails conspicuousness, +and conspicuousness makes error almost a crime. Put your mind on it +for a moment. Think of Teddy here. How nervous it would make him +in everything he undertook to feel that the eyes of the world were +upon him. And take into consideration that other peculiarity of +human nature which leads us all, you and me as well as every one +else, to believe that the man who does not progress is going +backward, that there is no such thing as standing still; then think +of a man illustrious enough for seventy at twenty-five--at the limit +of success, with all those years before him, and no progress +possible! No, my dear. Don't let's talk of school for Teddy yet." + +"I am sure I don't want to force him," said Mrs. Perkins, "but it +sometimes seems to me that he needs lessons in discipline. I can't +be following around after him all the time, and it seems to me some +days that I do nothing but find fault with him. I don't want him to +think I'm a stern mother; and when he tells me, as he did yesterday, +that he wishes I'd take a vacation for a month, I can't blame him." + +"Did he tell you that?" asked Thaddeus, with a chuckle. + +"Yes, he did," replied Mrs. Perkins. "I'd kept him in a chair for +an hour because he would tease Tommy, and when finally I let him go +I told him that he was wearing me out with his naughtiness. About +an hour later he came back and said, 'You have an awful hard time +bringin' me up, don't you?' I said yes, and added that he might +spare me the necessity of scolding him so often, to which he replied +that he'd try, but thought it would be better if I'd take a vacation +for a month. He hadn't much hope for his own improvement." + +Thaddeus shook internally. + +"He's perfectly wild, too, at times," Mrs. Perkins continued. "He +wants to do such fearful things. I caught him sliding down the +banisters yesterday head-foremost, and you know how he was at the +Mountain House all summer long. Perfectly irrepressible." + +"That's very true," said Thaddeus. "I was speaking of it to the +doctor up there, and asked him what he thought I'd better do." + +"And what did he say?" asked Mrs. Perkins. + +"He stated his firm belief that there was nothing you or I could do +to get him down to a basis, but thought Hagenbeck might accomplish +something." + +"No doubt he thought that," cried Bessie. "No doubt everybody +thought that, but it wasn't entirely Teddy's fault. If there is +anything in the world that is well calculated to demoralize an +active-minded, able-bodied child, it is hotel life. Teddy was egged +on to all sorts of indiscretions by everybody in the hotel, from the +bell-boys up. If he'd stand on his head on the cashier's desk, the +casher would laugh first, and then, to get rid of him, would suggest +that he go into the dinning-room and play with the headwaiter; and +when he upset the contents of his bait-box in Mrs. Harkaway's lap, +she interfered when I scolded him, and said she liked it. What can +you do when people talk that way?" + +"Get him to upset his bait-box in her lap again," said Thaddeus. "I +think if he had been encouraged to do that as a regular thing, every +morning for a week, she'd have changed her tune." + +"Well, it all goes to prove one thing," said Mrs. Perkins, "and that +is, Teddy needs more care than we can give him personally. We are +too lenient. Whenever you start in to punish him it ends up with a +game; when I do it, and he says something funny, as he always does, +I have to laugh." + +"How about the ounce-of-prevention idea?" suggested Thaddeus. +"We've let him go without a nurse for a year now--why can't we +employ a maid to look after him--not to boss him, but to keep an eye +on him--to advise him, and, in case he declines to accept the +advice, to communicate with us at once? All he needs is directed +occupation. As he is at present, he directs his own occupation, +with the result that the things he does are of an impossible sort." + +"That means another servant for me to manage," sighed Mrs. Perkins. + +"True; but a servant is easier to manage than Teddy. You can +discharge a servant if she becomes impossible. We've got Teddy for +keeps," said Thaddeus. + +"Very well--so be it," said Mrs. Perkins. "You are right, I guess, +about school. He ought not to be forced, and I'd be worried about +him all the time he was away, anyhow." + +So it was decided that Teddy should have a nurse, and for a day or +two the subject was dropped. Later on Mrs. Perkins reopened it. + +"I've been thinking all day about Teddy's nurse, Thaddeus," she +said, one evening after dinner. "I think it would be nice if we got +him a French nurse. Then he could learn French without any +forcing." + +"Good scheme," said Thaddeus. "I approve of that. We might learn a +little French from her ourselves, too." + +"That's what I thought," said Bessie and that point was decided. +The new nurse was to be French, and the happy parents drew beatific +visions of the ease with which they should some day cope with +Parisian hotel-keepers and others in that longed-for period when +they should find themselves able, financially, to visit the French +capital. + +But - + +Ah! Those buts that come into our lives! Conjunctions they are +called! Are they not rather terminals? Are they not the +forerunners of chaos in the best-laid plans of mankind? If for +every "but" that destroys our plan of action there were ready always +some better-succeeding plan, then might their conjunctive force seem +more potent; as life goes, however, unhappily, they are not always +so provided, and the English "but" takes on its Gallic significance, +which leads the Frenchman to define it as meaning "the end." + +There was an object-lesson in store for the Perkinses. + +On the Sunday following the discussion with which this story opens, +the Perkinses, always hospitable, though distinctly unsociable so +far as the returning of visits went, received a visit from their +friends the Bradleys. Ordinarily a visit from one's town friends is +no very great undertaking for a suburban host or hostess, but when +the town friends have children from whom they are inseparable, and +those children have nurses who, whithersoever the children go, go +there also, such a visit takes on proportions the stupendousness of +which I, being myself a suburban entertainer, would prefer not to +discuss, fearing lest some of my friends with families, recalling +these words, might consider my remarks of a personal nature. Let me +be content with saying, therefore, that when the Bradleys, Mr. and +Mrs., plus Master and Miss, plus Harriet, the English nurse, came to +visit the Perkins homestead that Sunday, it was a momentous occasion +for the host and hostess, and, furthermore, like many another +momentous occasion, was far-reaching in its results. + +In short, it provided the Perkins family with that object-lesson to +which I have already alluded. + +The Bradleys arrived on Sunday night, and as they came late little +Harry Bradley and the still smaller Jennie Bradley were tired, and +hence not at all responsive to the welcomes of the Perkinses, large +or small. They were excessively reticent. When Mrs. Perkins, +kneeling before Master Harry, asked him the wholly unnecessary +question, "Why, is this Harry?" he refused wholly to reply; nor +could the diminutive Jennie be induced to say anything but "Yumps" +in response to a similar question put to her, "Yumps" being, it is +to be presumed, a juvenilism for "Yes, ma'am." Hence it was that +the object-lesson did not begin to develop until breakfast on Sunday +morning. The first step in the lesson was taken at that important +meal, when Master Harry observed, in stentorian yet sweetly soprano +tones: + +"Hi wants a glarse o' milk." + +To which his nurse, standing behind his chair to relieve the +Perkinses' maid of the necessity of looking after the Bradley +hopefuls, replied: + +"'Ush, 'Arry, 'ush! Wite till yer arsked." + +Mrs. Bradley nodded approval to Harriet, and observed quietly to +Mrs. Perkins that Harriet was such a treasure; she kept the children +so well in subjection. + +The incident passed without making any impression upon the minds of +any but Thaddeus junior, who, taking his cue from Harry, +vociferously asserted that he, too, wished a glass of milk, and in +such terms as made the assertion tantamount to an ultimatum. + +Then Miss Jennie seemed to think it was her turn. + +"Hi doan't care fer stike. Hi wants chickin," said she. "I'n't +there goin' ter be no kikes?" + +Mrs. Perkins laughed, though I strongly suspect that Thaddeus junior +would have been sent from the table had he ventured to express a +similar sentiment. Mrs. Bradley blushed; Bradley looked severe; +Perkins had that expression which all parents have when other +people's children are involved, and which implies the thought, "If +you were mine there'd be trouble; but since you are not mine, how +cunning you are!" But Harriet, the nurse, met the problem. She +said: + +"Popper's goin' ter have stike, Jinnie; m'yby Mr. Perkins'll give +yer lots o' gryvy. Hit i'n't time fer the kikes." + +Perhaps I ought to say to those who have not studied dialect as "she +is spoke" that the word m'yby is the Seven Dials idiom for maybe, +itself more or less an Americanism, signifying "perhaps," while +"kikes" is a controvertible term for cakes. + +After breakfast, as a matter of course, the senior members of both +families attended divine service, then came dinner, and after dinner +the usual matching of the children began. The hopefuls of Perkins +were matched against the scions of Bradley. All four were brought +downstairs and into the parental presence in the library. + +"Your Harry is a fine fellow, Mrs. Bradley," said Thaddeus. + +"Yes, we think Harry is a very nice boy," returned Mrs. Bradley, +with a fond glance at the youth. + +"Wot djer si about me, mar?" asked Harry. + +"Nothing, dear," replied Mrs. Bradley, rinsing her eyebrows +reprovingly. + +"Yes, yer did, too," retorted Harry. "Yer said as 'ow hi were a +good boy." + +"Well, 'e i'n't, then," interjected Jennie. "'E's a bloomin' mean +un. 'E took a knoife an' cut open me doll." + +"'Ush, Jinnie, 'ush!" put in the nurse. "Don't yer tell tiles on +'Arry. 'E didn't mean ter 'urt yer doll. 'Twas a haxident." + +"No, 'twasn't a haxident," said Jennie. "'E done it a-purpice." + +"Well, wot if hi did?" retorted Harry. "Didn't yer pull the tile +off me rockin'-'orse?" + +"Well, never mind," said Bradley, seeing how strained things were +getting. "Don't quarrel about it now. It's all done and gone, and +I dare say you were both a little to blame." + +"'Hi war'n't!" said Harry, and then the subject was dropped. The +children romped in and out through the library and halls for some +time, and the Bradleys and Perkinses compared notes on various +points of interest to both. After a while they again reverted to +the subject of their children. + +"Does Harry go to school?" asked Bessie. + +"No, we think he's too young yet," returned Mrs. Bradley. "He +learns a little of something every day from Harriet, who is really a +very superior girl. She is a good servant. She hasn't been in this +country very long, and is English to the core, as you've probably +noticed, not only in her way of comporting herself, but in her +accent." + +"Yes, I've observed it," said Bessie. "What does she teach him?" + +"Oh, she tells him stories that are more or less instructive, and +she reads to him. She's taught him one or two pretty little songs-- +ballads, you know--too. Harry has a sweet little voice. Harry, +dear, won't you sing that song about Mrs. Henry Hawkins for mamma?" + +"Don't warn'ter," said Harry. "Hi'm sick o' that bloomin' old +song." + +"Seems to me I've heard it," said Thaddeus. "As I remember it, +Harry, it was very pretty." + +"It is," said Bradley. "It's the one you mean--'Oh, 'Lizer! dear +'Lizer! Mrs. 'Ennery 'Awkins.' Harry sings it well, too; but I +say, Thad, you ought to hear the nurse sing it. It's great." + +"I should think it might be." + +"She has the accent down fine, you know." + +"Sort of born to it, eh?" + +"Yes; you can't cultivate that accent and get it just right." + +"I'll do 'Dear Old Dutch' for yer," suggested Harry. "Hi likes thet +better 'n 'Mrs. 'Awkins.'" + +So Harry deserted "Mrs. 'Awkins" and sang that other pathetic +coster-ballad, "Dear Old Dutch," and, to the credit of Harriet, the +nurse, it must be said that he was marvellously well instructed. It +could not have been done better had the small vocalist been the own +son of a London coster-monger instead of the scion of an American +family of refinement. + +Thus the day passed. Jennie proved herself quite as proficient in +the dialect of Seven Dials as was Harry, or even Harriet, and when +she consented to stand on a chair and recite a few nursery rhymes, +there was not an unnoticed "h" that she did not, sooner or later, +pick up and attach to some other word to which it was not related, +as she went along. + +In short, as far as their speech was concerned, thanks to +association with Harriet, Jennie and Harry were as perfect little +cockneys as ever ignored an aspirate. + +The visit of the Bradleys, like all other things, came to an end, +and Bessie, Thaddeus, and the children were once more left to +themselves. Teddy junior, it was observed, after his day with +Harry, developed a slight tendency to misplace the letter "h" in his +conversation, but it was soon corrected, and things ran smoothly as +of yore. Only--the Only being the natural sequence of the But +referred to some time since--Mr. and Mrs. Perkins changed their +minds about the French nurse, and it came about in this way + +"Thaddeus," said Bessie, after the Bradleys had departed, "what is +the tile of a rockin'-'orse?" + +"I don't know. Why?" asked Thaddeus. + +"Why, don't you remember," she said, "young Harry Bradley accused +Jennie of pulling out the tile of his rockin'-'orse?" + +"Oh yes! Ha, ha!" laughed Thaddeus. "So she did. I know now. +Tile is cockney for tail." + +"Did you notice the accent those children had?" + +"Yes." + +"All got from the nurse, too?" + +"True." + +"Ah, Teddy, what do you think of our getting a French maid, after +all? Don't you think that we'd run a great risk?" + +"Of what?" + +"Of having Ted speak--er--cockney French." + +"H'm--yes. Very likely," said Thaddeus. "I'd thought of that +myself, and, I guess, perhaps we'd better stick to Irish." + +"So do I. We can correct any tendency to a brogue, don't you +think?" + +"Certainly," said Thaddeus. "Or, if we couldn't, it wouldn't be +fatal to the boy's prospects. It might even help him if he--" + +"Help him? If what?" + +"If he ever went into polities," said Perkins. + +And that was the object-lesson which a kindly fate gave to the +Perkinses in time to prevent their engaging a French maid for the +children. + +As to its value as a lesson, as to the value of its results, those +who are familiar with French as spoken by nurse-instructed youths +can best judge. + +I am not unduly familiar with that or any other kind of French, but +I have ideas in the matter. + + + +THE CHRISTMAS GIFTS OF THADDEUS + + + +That you may thoroughly comprehend how it happened that on last +Christmas Day Thaddeus meted out gifts of value so unprecedented to +the domestics of what he has come to call his "menagerie"--the term +menage having seemed to him totally inadequate to express the state +of affairs in his household--I must go back to the beginning of last +autumn, and narrate a few of the incidents that took place between +that period and the season of Peace on Earth and Good-will to Men. +Should I not do so there would be many, I doubt not, who would deem +Thaddeus's course unjustifiable, especially when we are all agreed +that Christmas Day should be for all sorts and conditions of men the +gladdest, happiest day of all the year. + +Thaddeus and Bessie and the little Thad had returned to their +attractive home after an absence of two months in a section of the +Adirondacks whither the march of civilization had not carried such +comforts as gas, good beds, and other luxuries, to which the little +family had become so accustomed that real camp-life, with its beds +of balsam, lights of tallow, and "fried coffee," possessed no charms +for them. They were all renewed in spirit and quite ready to embark +once more upon the troubled seas of house-keeping; and, as they saw +it on that first night at home, their crew was a most excellent one. +The cook rose almost to the exalted level of a chef in the +estimation of Thaddeus as course upon course, to the number of +seven, each made up of some delicacy of the season, came to the +table and received the indorsement which comes from total +consumption. They were well served, too, these courses; and the two +heads of the family, when Mary, the waitress, would enter the +butler's pantry, leaving them alone and unobserved, nodded their +satisfaction to each other across the snow-white cloth, and by means +of certain well-established signals, such as shaking their own hands +and winking the left eye simultaneously, with an almost vicious jerk +of the head, silently congratulated themselves upon the prospects of +a peaceful future in a domestic sense. + +"That was just the best dinner I have had in centuries," said +Thaddeus, as they adjourned to the library after the meal was over. +"The broiled chicken was so good, Bess, that for a moment I wished I +were a bachelor again, so that I could have it all; and after I got +over my first feeling of hesitation over the oysters, and realized +that it was September with an R--belated, it is true, but still +there--and ate six of them, I think I could have gone downstairs and +given cook a diamond ring with seven solitaires in it and a +receipted bill for a seal-skin sacque. I don't see how we ever +could have thought of discharging her last June, do you?" + +"It was a good dinner," said Bessie, discreetly ignoring the +allusion to their intentions in June; for she had a well-defined +recollection that at that time Bridget had given signs of emotional +insanity every time she was asked to prepare a five-o'clock +breakfast for Thaddeus and his friends, to the number of six, who +had acquired the habit of going off on little shooting trips every +Saturday, making the home of Thaddeus their headquarters over +Sunday, when the game the huntsmen had bagged the day before had to +be plucked, cleaned, and cooked by her own hands for dinner. "And +it was nicely selected, too," she added. "I sometimes think that +I'll let Bridget do the ordering at the market." + +"H'm! Well," said Thaddeus, shaking his head dubiously, "I haven't +a doubt that Bridget could do it, and would be very glad to do it; +but I don't believe in setting a cook up in business." + +"How do you mean?" + +"I mean that I haven't any doubt that Bridget would in a very short +time become a highly successful produce-broker with bull tendencies. +The chicken market would be buoyant, and the quotations on the Stock +Exchange of, say, B., S., and P.-U.-C.--otherwise, Beef, Succotash, +and Picked-Up-Codfish--would rise to the highest point in years. +Why, my dear, by Christmas-time cook would have our surplus in her +own pocket-book; and in the place of the customary five oranges and +an apple she would receive from the butcher a Christmas-card in the +shape of a check of massive, if not graceful, proportions. No, +Bess, I think the old way is the best." + +"Perhaps it is. By-the-way, John has kept the grounds looking well, +hasn't he? The lawn doesn't seem to have a weed on it," said +Bessie, walking to the window and gazing out at the soft velvety +sward in the glow of twilight. + +"Yes, it looks pretty well; but there's a small heap of stuff over +there near the fence which rather inclines me to believe that the +weeds have been pulled out within the last few days--in fact, since +you wrote to announce our return. John is an energetic man in an +emergency, and I haven't a doubt he has been here at least once a +week ever since we left. I'll keep a record of John this fall." + +And so the two contented home-comers talked happily along, and when +they closed their eyes in sleep that night they were, upon the +whole, very well satisfied with life. + +Weeks elapsed, and with them some of the air-castles collapsed. +Whether custom staled the infinite variety of the cook's virtues, +and age withered the efficiency of Mary, the waitress, or whether +something was really and radically wrong with the girls, Thaddeus +and Bessie could not make out. Certain it was, however, that by +slow degrees the satisfaction for which that first dinner seemed to +stand as guarantor wore away, and dissatisfaction entered the +household. Mary developed a fondness for church at most +inconvenient hours--hours at which in fact, neither Thaddeus nor +Bessie had ever supposed church could be. That it was eternal they +both knew, but they had always supposed there were intermissions. +Then the cook's family, which had hitherto been moderately +healthful, began to show signs of invalidism, though no such +calamity as actual dissolution ever set its devastating step within +the charmed circle of her relatives. Cousins fell ill whom she +alone could comfort; nephews developed maladies for which she alone +could care; and, according to Thaddeus's record, John had been +compelled on penalty of a fine to attend the funerals of some +twenty-four deceased intimate friends in less than two months, +although the newspapers contained no mention of the existence of a +possible epidemic in the Celtic quarter. It is true that John +showed a more pronounced desire to make his absence less +inconvenient to his employer than did Mary and the cook, by +providing a substitute when the Ancient Order of Funereal Hibernians +compelled him to desert the post of duty; but Thaddeus declared the +"remedy worse than the disease," for the reason that John's +substitute--his own brother-in-law--was a weaver by trade, whose +baskets the public did not appreciate, and whose manner of cutting +grass in the early fall and of tending furnace later on was +atrocious. + +"If I could hire that man in summer," Thaddeus remarked one night +when John's substitute had "fixed" the furnace so that the library +resembled a cold-storage room, "I think we could make this house an +arctic paradise. He seems to have a genius for taking warmth by the +neck and shaking enough degrees of heat out of it to turn a +conflagration into an iceberg. I think I'll tell the Fire +Commissioners about him." + +"He can't compare with John," was Bessie's answer to this. + +"No. I think that's why John sends him here when he is off riding +in carriages in honor of his deceased chums. By the side of Dennis, +John is a jewel." + +"John is very faithful with the furnace," said Bessie. "He never +lets it go down. Why, day before yesterday I turned off every +register in the house, and even then had to open all the windows to +keep from suffocating." + +"But that wasn't all John, my dear," said Thaddeus. "The Weather +Bureau had something to do with it. It was a warm day for this +season of the year, anyhow. If John could combine the two +businesses of selling coal and feeding furnaces, I think he would +become a millionaire. And, by-the-way, I think you ought to speak +to him, Bess, about the windows. Since you gave him the work of +window-cleaning to do, it is evident that he thinks I have nothing +to say in the matter, for he persistently ignores my requests that +he clean them in squares as they are made, and not rub up a little +circle in the middle, so that they look like blocks of opalescent +glass with plate-glass bulls'-eyes let into the centre. Look at +them now." + +"Dennis did that. John had to go to Mount Vernon with his militia +company to-day." + +"Dennis is well named, for his name is--But never mind. I'll credit +John with his twelfth day off in four weeks." + +From John to Bridget, in the matter of days off, was an easy step, +though such was Bessie's consummate diplomacy that Thaddeus would +probably have continued in ignorance of the extent to which Bridget +absented herself had they not both taken occasion one day to visit +some relatives in Philadelphia, and on their return home at night +found no dinner awaiting them. + +"What's the matter now?" asked Thaddeus, a little crossly, perhaps, +for visiting relatives in Philadelphia irritated him--possibly +because he and they did not agree in politics, and their assumption +that Thaddeus's party was entirely made up of the ignorant and self- +seeking was galling to him. "Why isn't dinner ready?" + +"Mary says that an hour after we left cook got a telegram from New +York saying that her brother was dying, and she had to go right +off." + +"I thought that brother was dying last week?" + +"No; that was her mother's brother, he got well. This is another +person entirely." + +"Naturally," snapped Thaddeus. "But next time we get a cook let's +have one whose relatives are all dead, or in the old country, where +they can't be reached. I'm tired of this business." + +"Well, you shouldn't be cross with me about it, Thad," said Bessie, +with a teary look in her eyes. "I have to put up with a great deal +more of it than you have, only you never know of it. Why, I've +cooked one-half of my own luncheons in the last month." + +"And the dinners, too, I'll wager," growled Thaddeus. + +"No; she's always got home for dinner heretofore." + +"Well, we'll keep a record-book for her, too, then. And we'll be +generous with her. We'll allow her just as I was allowed in +college--twenty-five per cent. in cuts. If she has twenty-five and +a fifth per cent, she goes." + +"I don't think I understand," said Bessie. + +"Well, we'll put it this way: There are thirty days in a month. +That means ninety meals a month. If she cooks sixty-seven and a +half of them she can stay; if she fails to cook the other twenty-two +and a half she can stay; but woe be unto her if she slips up by even +so little as a millionth part of the sixty-eighth!" + +"I don't see how you can marriage the half part of it." + +"We'll leave that to her," said Thaddeus, firmly; "and, what is +more, we'll put John and Mary on the same basis, and Dennis we won't +have on any basis at all. A man who will take advantage of his +brother's absence at a wake to black the shoes of that brother's +only employer with stove-polish is not the kind of a man I want to +have around." + +"It will be a very good plan," said Bessie, "for all except Mary. +Her absences she cannot well avoid. She has to go to church." + +"How many times a week does she have to go?" queried Thaddeus. + +"She is required to go to confession." + +"Well, let her reform, and then she'll have nothing to go to +confession for. I don't believe that's where she goes, either. I +notice that one-half those evenings she takes off, permitting me to +mind the front door, and enabling us both to acquire proficiency in +the art of helping ourselves at dinner, there's a fireman's ball or +a policeman's hop or a letter-carriers' theatre party going on +somewhere in the county, and it's my belief the worshipping she does +on these occasions is at the shrine of Terpsichore or that of +Melpomene, which is a heathen custom and not to be tolerated here. +If she's so fond of living in church we can quote to her hamlet's +advice to Ophelia--'Get thee to a nunnery!' Why, Bess, I was +mortified to death the other night when Bradley dined here, he's all +the time bragging about his menagerie, and I tried to bluff him out +and make him believe we were waited on by angels in disguise, and +you know what happened. He came, saw, and I was regularly knocked +out. You let us in; we waited on ourselves; cook had prepared the +seven-o'clock dinner at five to give her a chance to go to the +hospital to see her brother-in-law with the measles; John had one of +his Central-African fires on, and Bradley's laughing about it yet." + +"Mr. Bradley was very disagreeable the other night, anyhow," sniffed +Bessie. "He acted as if he were camping out!" + +"Well, I can't honestly say I blame him for that," retorted +Thaddeus. "It only needed a balsam bed and a hole in the roof to +let the rain in on him to complete the illusion." + +Finally, December came, and the tendencies of absenteeism on the +part of the servants showed no signs of abatement. They were +remonstrated with, but it made no difference. They didn't go out, +they declared, because they wanted to, but because they had to. +Cook couldn't let her relatives go unattended. Mary's religious +scruples simply dragged her out of the house, try as she would to +stay in; and as for John, as long as Dennis was on hand to take his +place he couldn't see why Mr. Perkins was dissatisfied. To tell the +truth, John had recently imbibed some more or less capitalistic--or +anticapitalistic--doctrines, and he was quite incapable of +understanding why, if a street-contractor, for instance, was +permitted by the laws of the land to sublet the work for which he +had contracted, he, John, should not be permitted to sublet his +contract to Dennis, piecemeal, or even as a whole, if he saw fit to +do so. + +Thaddeus, seeing that Bessie was very much upset by the condition of +affairs, had said little about it since Thanksgiving Day, when he +had said about as much as the subject warranted after a six-course +dinner had been hurried through in one hour, two courses having been +omitted that Bridget might catch the train leaving for New York at +3.10. Nor would he have said anything further than the final words +of dismissal had he not come home late one afternoon to dress for a +dinner at his club, when he discovered that, owing to the usual +causes, the week's wash, which the combined efforts of cook and +waitress should have finished that day, was delayed twenty-four +hours, the consequence being that Thaddeus had to telephone to the +haberdashery for a dress-shirt and collar. + +"It's bad enough having one's wife buy these things for one, but +when it comes to having a salesman sell you over a telephone the +style of shirt and collar 'he always wears himself,' it is +maddening," began Thaddeus, and then he went on at such an +outrageous rate that Bessie became hysterical, and Thaddeus's +conscience would not permit of his going out at all that night, and +that was the beginning of the end. + +"I'll fix 'em at Christmas-time," said Thaddeus. + +"You won't forget them at Christmas, I hope, Thad," said Bessie, +whose forgiving nature would not hear of anything so ungenerous as +forgetting the servants during the holidays. + +"No," laughed Thaddeus. "I won't forget 'em. I'll give 'em all the +very things they like best." + +"Oh, I see," smiled Bessie. "On the coals-of-fire principle. Well, +I shouldn't wonder but it would work admirably. Perhaps they'll be +so ashamed they'll do better." + +"Perhaps--if the coals do not burn too deep," said Thaddeus, with a +significant smile. + +Christmas Eve arrived, and little Thad's tree was dressed, the gifts +were arranged beneath it, and all seemed in readiness for the +dawning of the festal day, when Bessie, taking a mental inventory of +the packages and discovering nothing among them for the servants +save her own usual contribution of a dress and a pair of gloves for +each, turned and said to Thaddeus: + +"Where are the hot coals?" + +"The what?" asked Thaddeus. + +"The coals of fire for the girls and John." + +"Oh!" Thaddeus replied, "I have 'em in the library. I don't think +they'll go well with the tree." + +"What are they?" queried Bess, with a natural show of curiosity. +"Checks?" + +"Yes, partly," said Thaddeus. "Mary is to have a check for $16, +Bridget one for $18, and John one for $40." + +"Why, Thaddeus, that's extravagant. Now, my dear, there's no use of +your doing anything of that--" + +"Wait and see," said Thaddeus. + +"But, Teddy!" Bessie remonstrated. "Those are the amounts of their +wages. You will spoil them, and if I--" + +"As I said before, wait, Bess, wait!" said Thaddeus, calmly. +"You'll understand the whole scheme to-morrow, after breakfast." + +And she did, and when she did she almost wished for a moment that +she didn't, for after breakfast Thaddeus summoned the three +offenders into his presence, and the effect was not altogether free +from painful features to the forgiving Bess. + +"Bridget," Thaddeus said, "do you remember what Mrs. Perkins gave +you last Christmas?" + +"I do not!" replied Bridget, rather uncompromisingly; for it was a +matter of history that she thought Mrs. Perkins on the last +Christmas festival had shown signs of parsimony in giving her a +calico gown instead of one of silk. + +"Well, you won't forget next year what you got this," said Thaddeus, +dryly. "Here is an envelope containing $18, the amount of your +wages until January 1st. Mary, what did you get last Christmas?" + +"A box of candy, sir." + +"Nothing else?" + +"I believe there was a dress of some kind. I gave it to my cousin." + +"Good. I am glad you were so generous. Here is an envelope for +you. It has $16 in it, your wages up to January 1st." + +Bessie stood in the doorway, a mute witness to what seemed to her an +incomprehensible scene. + +"John, what did you get?" + +"Five dollars an' a day off." + +"And a two-dollar bill for Dennis, eh?" + +"Dennis got that." + +"True. Well, John, here's $40 for you--that pays you until January +1st. Now, it strikes me that, considering the behavior of you three +people, I am very generous to pay you your wages a week in advance, +but I am not going to stop there. I have studied you all very +carefully, and I've tried to discover what it is you are fondest of. +Cook and Mary do not seem to care much for dresses, though I believe +there are dresses and gloves under the tree for them, which fact +they will doubtless forget by next Christmas Day. The five dollars +and a day off John seems to remember, though from his manner of +recalling it I do not think his remembrance is a very pleasing one. +Now I've found out what it is you all like the best, and I'm going +to give it to you." + +Here the trio endeavored to appear gracious, though they were +manifestly uneasy and a bit dissatisfied with what John would have +called "the luks of t'ings." + +"Cook, from the 1st of January, may go to her relatives, and stay +until they're every one of them restored to health, if it takes +forty years. Mary may consider herself presented with sixty years' +vacation without pay; and for you, John, I have written this letter +of recommendation to the proprietors of a large undertaking +establishment in New York, who will, I trust, engage you as a chief +mourner, or perhaps hearse-driver, for the balance of your days. At +any rate, you, too, after January 1st, may consider yourself free to +go to any funeral or militia exercises, or anything else you may +choose to honor with your presence, at your own expense. You are +all given leave of absence without pay until further notice. I wish +you a merry Christmas. Good-morning." + +There were no farewells in the house that day; and inasmuch as there +was no Christmas dinner either, Thaddeus and Bessie did not miss the +service of the waitress, who, when last seen, was walking airily off +towards the station, accompanied by the indignant John and a bundle- +laden cook. Next day their trunks went also. + +"It was rather a hard thing to do on Christmas Day, Thaddeus," said +Bessie, a little later. + +"Oh no," quibbled Thaddeus. "It was very easy under the +circumstances, and quite appropriate. This is the time of peace on +earth and good-will to men. The only way for us to have peace on +earth was to get rid of those two women; and as for John, he has my +good-will, now that he is no longer in my employ." + + + +A STRANGE BANQUET + + + +"Thaddeus," said Bessie to her husband as they sat at breakfast one +morning, shortly after the royal banquet over which "Grimmins" had +presided, "did you hear anything strange in the house last night? +Something like a footstep in the hall?" + +"No," said Thaddeus. "I slept like a top last night. I didn't hear +anything. Did you?" + +"I thought so," said Bessie. "About two o'clock I waked up with a +start, and while it may have been a sort of waking dream, I was +almost certain I heard a rustling sound out in the hall, and +immediately after a creaking on the stairs, as though there was +somebody there." + +"Well, why on earth didn't you wake me, Bess?" returned Thaddeus. +"I could easily have decided the matter by getting up and +investigating." + +"That was why I didn't wake you, Teddy. I'd a great deal rather +lose the silver or anything else in the house a burglar might want +than have you hit on the head with a sand-club," said Bessie. "You +men are too brave." + +"Thank you," said Thaddeus, with a smile, as he thought of a certain +discussion he had had not long before at the club, in which he and +several other brave men had reached the unanimous conclusion that +the best thing to do at dead of night, with burglars in the house, +was to crawl down under the bedclothes and snore as loudly as +possible. "Nevertheless, my dear, you should have told me." + +"I will next time," said Bessie. + +"Was anything in the house disturbed?" Thaddeus asked. + +"No," said Bessie. "Not a thing, as far as I can find out. Mary +says that everything was all right when she came down, and the cook +apparently found things straight, because she hasn't said anything." + +So Thaddeus and Bessie made up their minds that the latter had been +dreaming, and that nothing was wrong. Two or three days later, +however, they changed their minds on the subject. There was +something decidedly wrong, but what it was they could not discover. +They were both awakened by a rustling sound in the hallway, outside +of their room, and this time there was a creak on the stairs that +was unmistakable. + +"Don't move, Thaddeus," said Bessie, in a terrified whisper, as +Thaddeus made a brave effort to get up and personally investigate. +"I wouldn't have you hurt for all the world, and there isn't a thing +down-stairs they can take that we can't afford to lose." + +Thaddeus felt very much as Bessie did, and it would have pleased him +much better to lie quietly where he was than run the risk of an +encounter with thieves. He had been brave enough in the company of +men to advocate cowardice in an emergency of just this sort, but now +that this same course was advocated by his wife, he saw it in a +different light. Prudence was possible, cowardice was not. He must +get up, and get up he did; but before going out of his room he +secured his revolver, which had lain untouched and unloaded in his +bureau-drawer for two years, and then advanced cautiously to the +head of the stairs and listened--Bessie meanwhile having buried her +face in her pillow as a possible means of assuaging her fears. It +is singular what a soothing effect a soft feather pillow sometimes +has upon the agitated nerves if the nose of the agitated person is +thrust far enough into its yielding surface. + +"Who is there?" cried Thaddeus, standing at the head of the stairs, +his knees all of a shake, but whether from fear or from cold, as an +admirer of Thaddeus I prefer not to state. + +Apparently the stage-whisper in which this challenge to a possible +burglar was uttered rendered it unavailing, for there was no reply; +but that there was some one below who could reply Thaddeus was now +convinced, for there were sounds in the library--sounds, however, +suggestive of undue attention to domestic duties rather than of that +which fate has mapped out for house-breakers. The library floor was +apparently being swept. + +"That's the biggest idiot of a burglar I've ever heard of," said +Thaddeus, returning to his room. + +"Wh-wha-what, d-dud-dear?" mumbled Mrs. Perkins, burying her ear in +the pillow for comfort now that she was compelled to take her nose +away so that she might talk intelligibly. + +"I say that burglar must be an idiot," repeated Thaddeus. "What do +you suppose he is doing now?" + +"Wh-wha-what, d-dud-dear?" asked Bessie, apparently unable to think +of any formula other than this in speaking, since this was the +second time she had used it. + +"He is sweeping the library." + +"Then you must not go down," cried Bessie, sitting up, and losing +her fear for a moment in her anxiety for her husband's safety. "A +burglar you might manage, but a maniac--" + +"I must go, Bess," said Thaddeus, firmly. + +"Then I'm going with you," said Mrs. Perkins, with equal firmness. + +"Now, Bess, don't be foolish," returned Thaddeus, his face assuming +a graver expression than his wife had ever seen there. "This is my +work, and it is none of yours. I positively forbid you to stir out +of this room. I shall be very careful, and you need have no concern +for me. I shall go down the backstairs and around by the porch, and +peep in through the library window first. The moonlight will be +sufficient to enable me to see all that is necessary." + +"Very well," acquiesced Bessie, "only do be careful." + +Thaddeus donned his long bath-robe, put on his shippers, and started +to descend. The stairs were so dark that he could with difficulty +proceed--and perhaps it was just as well for Thaddeus that they +were. If there had been light enough for him to see two great +glaring eyes that stared at him through that darkness out from the +passageway at the foot of the stairs, upon which he turned his back +when he went out upon the porch, it is not unlikely that a very +serious climax to his strange experience would have been reached +then and there. As it was, he saw nothing, but kept straight ahead, +stepped noiselessly out upon the piazza, crept stealthily along in +the soft light of the moon, until he reached the library window. +There he stopped and listened. All was still within--so still that +the beating of his heart seemed like the hammering of a sledge upon +an anvil by contrast. Then, raising himself cautiously upon his +toes, he peered through the window into the room, the greater part +of which was made visible by the wealth of the moon's light +streaming into it. + +"Humph!" said Thaddeus, after he had directed his searching gaze +into every corner. "There isn't anybody there at all. Most +incomprehensible thing I ever heard of." + +Rising, he walked back to the piazza door, and went thence boldly +into the library and lit the gas. His piazza observations were then +verified, for the room was devoid of life, save for Thaddeus's own +presence; but upon the floor before the hearth was a broom, and +there were evidences also that the sweeping sounds he had heard had +been caused by no less an instrument than this, for in the corner of +the fireplace was a heap of dust, cigar ashes, and scraps of paper, +which Thaddeus remembered had been upon the hearth in greater or +less quantity when he had turned out the gas to retire a few hours +before. + +"This is a serious matter," he said to himself. "Something is +wrong, and I doubt if there have been burglars in the house; but I +can ascertain that without trouble. If the doors and windows are +all secure the trouble is internal." + +Every accessible door and window on the basement and first floor was +examined, and, with the exception of the piazza door, which Thaddeus +remembered to have unlocked himself a few minutes before, every lock +was fastened. The disturbance had come from within. + +"And Bess must never know it," said he; "it would worry her to +death." And then came a thought to Thaddeus's mind that almost +stopped the beating of his heart. "Unless she has discovered it in +my absence," he gasped. In an instant he was mounting the stairs to +hasten to Bessie's side, as though some terrible thing were pursuing +him. + +"Well, what was it, Ted?" she asked, as he entered the room. + +Perkins gave a sigh of relief. All was safe enough above-stairs at +least. + +"Nothing much," said Thaddeus, in a moment. "There is no one +below." + +"But what could it have been?" + +"I haven't the slightest idea," said Thaddeus, "unless it was a +stray cat in the house. The sweeping sound may have been caused by +a cat scratching its collar--or purring--or--or--something. At any +rate, things appear to be all right, my dear, so let's go to sleep." + +Thaddeus's assumed confidence in the rightness of everything, rather +than his explanations, was convincing to Mrs. Perkins, and in a very +short while she was sleeping the sleep of the just and serene; but +to Thaddeus's eye there came no more sleep that night, and when +morning came he rose unrefreshed. There were two problems +confronting him. The first was to solve the mystery of the swept +library floor; the second was to do this without arousing his wife's +suspicions that anything was wrong. To do the first he deemed it +necessary to remain at home that day, which was easy, for Thaddeus +was more or less independent of office-work. + +"I'm glad you're not going down," said Mrs. Perkins, when he +announced his intention of remaining at home. "You will be able to +make up for your loss of sleep last night." + +"Yes," said Thaddeus. "It's the only thing I can do, I'm so played +out." + +Breakfast passed off pleasantly in spite of a great drawback--the +steak was burned almost to a crisp, and the fried potatoes were like +chips of wood. + +"Margaret seems to be unfamiliar with the art of cooking this +morning," said Thaddeus. + +"So it would seem," said Bessie. "This steak is horrible." + +"The worst part of it is," said Thaddeus, "she has erred on the +wrong side. If the steak were underdone it wouldn't be so bad. +Isn't it a pity Edison can't invent a machine to rarefy an overdone +steak?" + +"That would be a fine idea," smiled Bessie. "And to take a Saratoga +chip and make it less like a chip off a granite block." + +"I don't mind the potatoes so much," said Thaddeus. "I can break +them up in a bowl of milk and secure a gastronomic novelty that, +suitably seasoned, isn't at all bad, but the steak is hopeless." + +"Maybe she heard that cat last night, and thought it was a burglar, +just as we did," Bessie suggested. "I can't account for a breakfast +like this in any other way, can you?" + +"No," said Thaddeus, shortly, and then he had an idea; and when +Thaddeus had an idea he was apt to become extremely reticent. + +"Poor Thad!" thought Bessie, as she noted his sudden change of +demeanor. "He can't stand loss of sleep." + +The morning was spent by Thaddeus in the "noble pastime of +snooping," as he called it. The house was searched by him in a +casual sort of way from top to bottom for a clew to the mystery, but +without avail. Several times he went below to the cellar, +ostensibly to inspect his coal supply, really to observe the +demeanor of Margaret, the cook. Barring an unusual pallor upon her +cheek, she appeared to be as she always had been; but with the +waitress it was different. Mary was evidently excited over +something, but over what Thaddeus could not, of course, determine at +that time. Later in the day, however, the cause of her perturbation +came out, and Thaddeus's effort to keep Bessie from anxiety over the +occurrence of the night before was rendered unavailing. It was at +luncheon. The table was set in a most peculiar fashion. The only +china upon it was from an old set which had been discarded a year +previous to the time of this story, and Bessie naturally wanted to +know why, and the waitress broke down. + +"It's--it's all we have, ma'am," said she, her eyes filling with +tears. + +"All we have?" echoed Mrs. Perkins in surprise. "Why, what do you +mean? Where is the other set?" + +"I don't know," protested the waitress. + +"You don't know?" said Thaddeus, taking the matter in hand. "Why +don't you know? Isn't the china a part of your care?" + +"Yes, sir," replied the maid, "but--it's gone, sir, and I don't know +where." + +"When did you miss it?" asked Thaddeus. + +"Not until I came to set the table for lunch." + +"Was it in its proper place at breakfast-time?" + +"I didn't notice, sir. The breakfast dishes were all there, but I +don't remember seeing the other plates. I didn't think to look." + +"Then it wasn't a cat," said Bessie, sinking back into her chair; +"we have been robbed." + +"Well, it's the first time on record, I guess, that thieves have +ever robbed a man of his china," said Thaddeus, calmly. "Have you +looked for the plates?" he added, addressing the waitress. + +"No, sir," she replied, simply. "Where could I look?" + +"That's so--where?" said Bessie. "There isn't much use looking for +dishes when they disappear like that. They aren't like whisk-brooms +or button-hooks to be mislaid easily. We have been robbed; that's +all there is about that." + +"Oh, well," said Thaddeus, "let's eat lunch, and see about it +afterwards." + +This was quite easy to say, but to eat under the circumstances was +too much for either of the young householders. The luncheon left +the table practically untouched; and when it was over Thaddeus +called his man into the house, wrote a note to the police-station, +asking for an officer in citizen's clothes at once, and despatched +it by him, with the injunction to let very little grass grow under +his feet on the way down to headquarters. He then summoned the +waitress into the library. + +"Have you said anything to Margaret about the china?" he asked. + +"Yes, sir," she replied. + +"What did you say?" + +"I told her as how wasn't it funny the way it had went, sir." + +"And what did she say?" + +"Nothing, sir. Only she seemed to think it was funny, because she +laughed." + +"And what did you say then?" + +"Nothing, Mr. Perkins. Margaret and me have very little +conversation, because she don't fancy me, and prefers talkin' to +herself like." + +"H'm!" said Thaddeus. "Talks to herself, does she?" + +"All the time, sir," returned the waitress, "and she seems very fond +of it, sir. She laughs, and says things, and then laughs again. +She does it by the hour." + +"How long has this been going on?" + +"About a week, sir. I noticed it first last time I had my day out. +I didn't get in until nearly eleven o'clock, and I found her sitting +at the table havin' supper and talkin' and laughin' like as though +there was folks around." + +"She was entirely alone, was she?" asked Thaddeus. + +"Yes, sir." + +"What did you do when you came in?" + +"I said 'Hello' to her and sat down opposite to her at the table, +where there was a place set, and I told her I was glad she had +something to eat and a place set for me, because I hadn't had any +supper and I was hungry, sir." + +"Did she make any reply?" + +"No, sir. She looked at me kind of indignant, and turned out the +gas and went up to bed, leaving me in the dark." + +Thaddeus's brow grew thoughtful again. It wrinkled into a half- +dozen lines as he asked: + +"Why didn't you speak of this before?" + +"It ain't for me to be telling tales, Mr. Perkins," she said. "All +cooks as I've lived with is queer like, and I didn't think any more +about it." + +"All right," said Thaddeus. "You may go. Only, Mary, don't speak +of the plates again to Margaret. Say as little to her as you can, +in fact, about anything. If you notice anything queer, report to me +at once." + +The waitress left the room, and Thaddeus turned to his desk. It was +plain from his appearance that light was beginning to be let in on +places that up to this point had been more or less dark to him, +although, as a matter of fact, he could not in any way account for +the mystery of the vanished plates any more than he could for the +sweeping of the library in the still hours of the night. He had an +idea as to who the culprit was, and what that idea was is plain +enough to us, but the question of motive was the great puzzle to him +now. + +"If she did take them, why should she?" was the problem he was +trying to solve; and then, as if his trials were not already great +enough for one day, Bessie broke excitedly into the room. + +"Thaddeus!" she cried, "there's something wrong in this house; my +best table-cloth is missing, our dessert-spoons are gone, and what +do you suppose has happened?" + +"I don't know--a volcano has developed in the cellar, I suppose," +said Thaddeus. + +"No," said Bessie, "it isn't as bad as that; but the ice-cream man +has telephoned up to know whether we want the cream for dinner or +for eleven o'clock, according to the order as he understands it." + +"Well," said Thaddeus, "I don't see anything very unusual in an ice- +cream man's needing to be told three or four times what is expected +of him." + +"But I never ordered any cream at all," said Bessie. + +"Ah," said Thaddeus, "that's different. Did you tell Partinelli +so?" + +"I did, and he said he was sure he wasn't mistaken, because he had +taken the order himself." + +"From you?" + +"No, from Margaret." + +"Then it's all right," said Thaddeus; it's a clew that fits very +nicely into my theory of our recent household disturbances. If you +will wait, I think things will begin to develop very shortly, and +then we shall be able to dismiss this indictment against the cat we +thought we heard last night." + +"Do you think Margaret is dishonest?" + +"I don't know," said Thaddeus. "I shouldn't be surprised if she had +friends with taking ways; in other words, my dear, I suspect that +Margaret is in league with people outside of this house who profit +by her mistaken notions as to how to be generous; but I can't prove +it yet." + +"But what are you going to do?" + +"Set a watch. I have sent for a detective," said Thaddeus. + +This was too much for Bessie. She was simply overcome, and she sat +squarely down upon the arm-chair, which fortunately was immediately +behind her. I think that if it had not been, she would have plumped +down upon the floor. + +"Detective!" she gasped. + +"Exactly," said Thaddeus, "and here he comes," he added, as a +carriage was driven up to the door and one of the citizen police +descended therefrom. + +"You would better leave us to talk over this matter together," said +Thaddeus, as he hastened to the door. "We shall be able to manage +it entirely, and the details might make you nervous." + +"I couldn't be more nervous than I am," said Bessie; "but I'll leave +you just the same." + +Whereupon she went to her room, and Thaddeus, for an hour, was +closeted with the detective, to which he detailed the whole story. + +"It's one of the two," said the latter, when Thaddeus had finished, +"and I agree with you it is more likely to be the cook than the +waitress. If it was the waitress, she couldn't have stood your +examination as well as you say she did. Perhaps I'd better see her, +though, and talk to her myself." + +"No, I shouldn't," said Thaddeus "we'll pass you off as a business +acquaintance of mine up from town, and you can stay all night and +watch developments." + +So it was arranged. The detective was introduced into the family as +a correspondent of Thaddeus's firm, and he settled down to watch the +household. Afternoon and evening went by without developments, and +at about eleven o'clock every light in the house was extinguished, +and the whole family, from the head of the house to the cook, had +apparently retired. + +At half-past eleven, however, there were decided signs of life +within the walls of Thaddeus's home. The clew was working +satisfactorily, and the complete revelation of the mystery was chose +at hand. + +The remainder of the narrative can best be told in the words of the +detective: + +"When Mr. Perkins sent for me," he said, "and told me all that had +happened, I made up my mind that he had a servant in his house for +whom the police had been on the lookout for some time. I thought +she was a certain Helen Malony, alias Bridget O'Shaughnessy, alias +many other names, who was nothing more nor less than the agent of a +clever band of thieves who had lifted thousands of dollars of swag +in the line of household silver, valuable books, diamonds, and other +things from private houses, where she had been employed in various +capacities. I could not understand why she should have made 'way +with the dishes and Mrs. Perkins's table-cloth, but there's no +accounting for tastes of people in that line of business, so I +didn't bother much trying to reason that matter out. + +"After we'd had dinner and spent the evening in Mr. Perkins's +library, the family went to bed, and I pretended to do the same. +Instead of really going to bed, I waited my chance and slipped down +the stairs into the dining-room, and got under the table. At eleven +o'clock the maidservants went up to their rooms, and at quarter-past +there wasn't a light bumming in the house. I sat there in the +dining-room waiting, and just as the clock struck half-past eleven I +heard a noise out on the stairs, and in less than half a minute a +sulphur match was struck almost over my head under the table, and +there stood the cook, her face livid as that of a dead person, and +in her hand she held a candle, which she lit with the match. From +where I was I could see everything she did, which was not much. She +simply gathered up all the table fixings she could, and started +down-stairs into the kitchen with 'em. Then I went up to Mr. +Perkins's room and called him. He put on his clothes and got out +his revolver, when we stole down-stair's together, leaving Mrs. +Perkins up-stairs, with her boy's nurse and the waitress to keep her +company. + +"In a second we were in the laundry, which was as dark as the ace of +spades, except where the light from four gas-jets in the kitchen +streamed in through the half-open door. Mr. Perkins was for +pouncing in on the cook at once, but I was after the rest of the +gang as much as I was for the cook, and I persuaded him to wait; +and, by thunder, we were paid for waiting. It was the queerest case +I ever had. + +"That woman--looking for all the world like a creature from some +other part of the universe than this earth, her eyes burning like +two huge coals, her checks as yellow and clear as so much wax, and +her lips blue-white, with a great flaming red tongue sort of laid +between them--worked like a slave cleaning the floor, polishing the +range, and scrubbing the table. Then she dusted all the chairs, +and, producing the missing table-cloth, she laid it snow-white upon +the table. In two minutes more the lost china was brought to light +out of the flour-barrel, polished off, and set upon the table-- +enough for twenty people. The dining-room things I had seen her +take she arranged as tastefully as any one could want, and then the +finest lay-out in the way of salads, cakes, fruits, and other good +things I ever saw was brought in from the cellar. To do all this +took a marvellously short time. It was five minutes of midnight +went she got through, and then she devoted three minutes to looking +after herself. She whisked out a small hand-glass and touched up +her hair a bit. Then she washed her hands and pinned some roses on +her dress, smiled a smile I can never forget in my life, and opened +the kitchen door and went out. + +"'She's going to give a supper!' whispered Mr. Perkins. + +"'It looks like it,' said I. 'And a mighty fine one at that.' + +"In a minute she came back with a pail, in which were four bottles +of champagne, in her hand. This she took into the cellar, returning +to the kitchen as the clock struck twelve. + +"Then the queerest part began," said the detective. "For ten +minutes by the clock people were apparently arriving, though, as far +as Mr. Perkins or I could see, there wasn't a soul in the kitchen +besides Margaret. She was talking away like one possessed. Every +once in a while she'd stop in the middle of a sentence and rush to +the door and shake hands with some, to us invisible, arrival. Then +she'd walk in with them chatting and laughing. Several times she +went through the motion of taking people's hats, and finally, if we +could judge from her actions, she had 'em all seated at the table. +She passed salads all around, helping each guest herself. She sent +them fruit and cakes, and then she brought out the wine, which she +distributed in the same fashion. She also apologized because some +ice-cream she had ordered hadn't come. + +"When the invisible guests appeared to have had all they could eat, +she began the chatty part again, and never seemed to be disturbed +but once, when she requested some one not to sing so loud for fear +of disturbing the family. + +"Altogether it was the weirdest and rummest thing I'd ever seen in +my life. We watched it for one full hour, and then we quit because +she did. At one o'clock she apparently bade her guests good-night, +after which she gathered up and put away all the eatables there were +left--and, of course, everything but what she had eaten herself +still remained--cleaned all the dishes, restored them to their +proper places in the dinning-room pantry, and went back up-stairs to +her room. + +"Mr. Perkins and I didn't know what to make of it. There wasn't a +thing stolen, and it was clear to my mind that I'd done the woman an +injustice in connecting her with thieves. She was honest, except in +so far as she had ordered all those salads and creams and things +from time to time on Mr. Perkins's account, which was easy enough +for her to do, since Mrs. Perkins let her do the ordering. There +was only one explanation of the matter. She was crazy, and I said +so. + +"'I fancy you are right,' said Mr. Perkins. 'We'll have to send her +to an asylum!' + +"'That's the thing,' said I, 'and we'd better do it the first thing +in the morning. I wouldn't tackle her to-night, because she's +probably excited, and like as not would make a great deal of +trouble.' + +"And that," said the detective, "was where Mr. Perkins and I made +our mistake. Next morning she wasn't to be found, and to this day I +haven't heard a word of her. She disappeared just like that," he +said, snapping his fingers. "Of course, I don't mean to say that +anything supernatural occurred. She simply must have slipped down +and out while we were asleep. The front door was wide open in the +morning, and a woman answering to her description was seen to leave +the Park station, five miles from the Perkins house, on the six- +thirty train that morning." + +"And you have no idea where she is now?" I asked of the detective, +when he had finished. + +"No," he answered, "not the slightest. For all I know she may be +cooking for you at this very minute." + +With which comforting remark he left me. + +For my part, I hope the detective was wrong. If I thought there was +a possibility of Margaret's ever being queen of my culinary +department, I should either give up house-keeping at once and join +some simple community where every man is his own chief, or dine +forevermore on canned goods. + + + +JANE + + + +She was quite the reverse of beautiful--to some she was positively +unpleasant to look upon; but that made no difference to Mrs. +Thaddeus Perkins, who, after long experience with domestics, had +come to judge of the value of a servant by her performance rather +than by her appearance. The girl--if girl she were, for she might +have been thirty or sixty, so far as any one could judge from a +merely superficial glance at her face and figure--was neat of +aspect, and, what was more, she had come well recommended. She bore +upon her face every evidence of respectability and character, as +well as one or two lines which might have indicated years or +toothache--it was difficult to decide which. On certain days, when +the weather was very warm and she had much to do, the impression was +that the lines meant years, and many of them, accentuated as they +were by her pallor, the whiteness of her face making the lines seem +almost black in their intensity. When she smiled, however, which +she rarely did--she was solemn enough to have been a butler--one was +impressed with the idea of hours of pain from a wicked tooth. At +any rate, she was engaged as waitress, and put in charge of the +first floor of the Perkins household. + +"I fancy we've at last got a real treasure, said Mrs. Perkins. +"There's no nonsense about Jane--I think." The last two words were +added apologetically. + +"Where did you get her?" asked Thaddeus. "At an Imbecility Office?" + +"I don't quite know what you mean--an Imbecility Office?" + +"Only my pet, private, and particular name for it, my dear. You +would speak of it as an Intelligence Office, no doubt," was the +reply. "My observation of the fruit of Intelligence Offices has +convinced me that they deal in Imbecility." + +"Not quite," laughed Mrs. Perkins. "They look after Domestic +Vacancies." + +"Well, they do it with a vengeance," said Perkins. "We've had more +vacancies in this house to do our cooking and our laundering and our +house-work generally than two able-bodied men could shake sticks at. +It seems to me that the domestic servant of to-day is founder of +preoccupation than of occupation." + +"Jane, I think, is different from the general run," said Mrs. +Perkins. "As I said, she has no nonsense about her." + +"Is she--an--an ornament to the scene--pretty, and all that?" asked +Perkins. + +"Quite the reverse," replied the little house-keeper. "She is as +plain as a--as a--" + +"Say hedge-fence and be done with it," said Perkins. "I'm glad of +it. What's the use of providing a good dinner for your friends if +they are going to spend all their time looking at the waitress? +When I give a dinner it makes me tired to have the men afterwards +speak of the waitress rather than of the puree or the birds. If any +domestic is to dominate the repast at all it should be the cook." + +"Service counts for a great deal, thought, Ted," suggested Mrs. +Perkins. + +"True," replied Thaddeus; "but on the whole, when I am starving, +give me a filet bearnaise served by a sailor, rather than an empty +plate brought in in style by a butler of illustrious lineage and +impressive manner." Then he added: "I hope she isn't too homely, +Bess--not a 'clock-stopper,' as the saying is. You don't want +people's appetites taken away when you've worked for hours on a menu +calculated to tickle the palates of your guests. Would her +homeliness--ah--efface itself, for instance, in the presence of a +culinary creation, or is it likely to overshadow everything with its +ineffaceable completeness?" + +"I think she'll do," returned Mrs. Perkins; "especially with your +friends, who, it seems to me, would one and all insist upon +finishing a 'creation,' as you call it, even if lightning should +strike the house." + +"From that point of view," said he, "I'm confident that Jane will +do." + +So Jane came, and for a year, strange to relate, was all that her +references claimed for her. She was neat, clean, and capable. She +was sober and industrious. The wine had never been better served; +the dinner had rarely come to the table so hot. Had she been a +butler of the first magnitude she could not so have discouraged the +idea of acquaintance; her attraction, if anything, was a combination +of her self-effacement and her ugliness. The latter might have been +noticed as she entered the dining-room; it was soon forgotten in the +unconsciously observed ease with which she went through her work. + +"She's fine," said Perkins, after a dinner of twelve covers served +by Jane with a pantry assistant. "I've always had a sneaking notion +that nothing short of a butler could satisfy me, but now I think +otherwise. Jane is perfection, and there is nothing paralyzing +about her, as there is about most of those reduced swells who wait +on tables nowadays." + +In August the family departed for the mountains, and the house was +left in charge of Jane and the cook, and right faithfully did they +fulfil the requirements of their stewardship. The return in +September found the house cleaned from top to bottom. The hardwood +floors and stairs shone as they had rarely shone before, and as only +an unlimited application of what is vulgarly termed "elbow-grease" +could make them shine. The linen was immaculate. Ireland is not +freer from snakes than was the house of Perkins from cobwebs, and no +speck of dust except those on the travellers was visible. It was +evident that even in the absence of the family Jane was true to her +ideals, and the heart of Mrs. Perkins was glad. Furthermore, Jane +had acquired a full third set of teeth, which seemed to take some of +the lines from her face, and, as Perkins observed, added materially +to the general effect of the surroundings, although they were +distressingly new. But, alas! they marked the beginning of the end. +Jane ceased to wait upon the table with that solemnity which is +essential to the manner of a "treasure"; she smiled occasionally, +and where hitherto she had treated the conversation at the table +with stolid indifference, a witticism would invariably now bring the +new teeth unto view. + +"Alas!" cried Thaddeus, "our butleress has evoluted backwards. She +grins like an ordinary waitress." + +It was too true. The possession of brilliantly white teeth seemed +to have brought with it a desire to show them, which was destructive +of that dignity with which Jane had previously been hedged about, +and substituted for it a less desirable atmosphere of possible +familiarity, which might grow upon very slight provocation into +intimacy, not to mention a nearer approach to social equality. + +"I don't suppose we can blame her exactly," said Perkins, when +discussing one or two of Jane's lapses from her old-time standard. +"I haven't a doubt that if I'd gone for years without teeth, I'd +become a regular Cheshire cat, with a new, complete edition de luxe +of celluloid molars. Still, I wish she'd paid more attention to the +dinner and less to Mr. Barlow's conversation last night. She stood +a whole minute, with the salad-bowl in her hand, waiting for him to +reach the point of his story about the plumber who put a gas-pipe +through Shakespeare's tenor in Westminster Abbey, and when he +finished, and she smiled, you'd have thought a dozen gravestones to +the deceased's memory had been conjured up before us." + +"It's a small fault, Thaddeus," returned Mrs. Perkins, "but I'll +speak to her about it." + +"Oh, I wouldn't," said Perkins; "let it go; she means well, and when +we got her we didn't suspect she'd turn out such a jewel. She's +merely approaching her norm, that is all. We ought to be thankful +to have had such perfection for one year. It's too bad it couldn't +continue; but what perfection does?" + +Nothing, therefore, was said, and Jane smiled on, yet waited most +acceptably and kept all things decently and in order--for a little +while. Along about Christmas-time a further decadence and +additional flaw in the jewel was discovered, and it was Perkins +himself who discovered it. It happened one day while he was at work +alone in the house, Mrs. Perkins having gone out shopping. A friend +from Boston appeared--a friend interested in bric-a-brac and china +generally. Thaddeus, to whom a luncheon in solitary grandeur was +little short of abomination, invited his Boston friend to stay and +share pot-luck with him, knowing, hypocrite that he was, that pot- +luck did not mean pot-luck at all, but a course luncheon which many +men would have found all-sufficient at dinner. The Boston friend +accepted, and the luncheon was served by Jane. In the course of the +repast the visitor observed: + +"Pretty good china you have, Perkins." + +"Yes," returned Thaddeus, "pretty good. I've always had a penchant +for china. My mother-in-law thinks I'm extravagant, and sometimes I +think she is right. You never saw my Capodimonte coffees, did you?" + +"No," replied the Bostonian, "I never did. Where'd you get 'em?" + +"London," replied Perkins, "last time I was over. You must see +them, by all means. Ah, Jane, hand Mr. Bunkerrill one of the +Capodimonte coffees." + +"Wan o' the what, sorr?" asked the treasure. + +Thaddeus blushed. To have his jewel go back on him at such a crisis +was excessively annoying. "One of those gold after-dinner coffee- +cups--one of the little ones, with the flowery raised figures," he +said, sharply. + +"Oh!" said Jane, "wan o' thim with somebody else's initial on the +bottom?" + +"Yes," said Thaddeus, fuming inwardly. + +"Quite a connoisseur, that woman," laughed the visitor, as Jane went +after the dinner-cup. "She's observed the china mark. She know's N +doesn't stand for Perkins." + +Thaddeus laughed weakly. "She probably thinks we got them second- +hand," he said. + +"Very likely you did," retorted the Bostonian, and Jane returned +with the desired cup. "An admirable specimen," continued the +connoisseur; and them, turning the cup bottom upwards in search of +the mark, he disclosed to his own and Thaddeus's astonished gaze no +less an object than the remains of a mashed green pea, a +reminiscence of the last Perkins dinner, and conclusive evidence +that at times Jane was not as careful in the washing of her china as +she might have been. + +It would be futile and useless for me to attempt to describe the +emotions of Thaddeus. I fancy a large enough number of us having +been through similar experiences to comprehend the man's +mortification and his inward wrath. It was too great to find +suitable expression at the moment. Nothing short of the absolute +destruction of the cup and the annihilation of Jane could have +adequately expressed Perkins's true feelings. He was not by nature, +however, a scene-maker--it would have been better if he had been--so +he said nothing, abiding by his rule, which seemed to be that the +man of the house would do better to reprehend the short-comings of a +delinquent servant by blowing up his wife rather than by going +direct to the core of the trouble and reading the maid a lecture. A +great many men adopt this same method. I do. It is the easiest, +though it is possibly prompted by that cowardice which is latent +with us all. I never in my life have discharged more than one +servant, and I not only did not do it gracefully, but discharged the +wrong one; since which time I have left all that sort of work to +others more competent than I. Perkins's method was precisely thus. + +"I'm not going to interfere," was his invariable remark in cases of +the kind under discussion; which was unwise, for if he had even +scolded a servant as he did his wife for the servant's fault he +might have secured better service sooner or later. + +Unfortunately, when Mrs. Perkins reached home that night she was so +very tired with her exertions in the shops that Thaddeus hadn't the +heart to tell her what had happened, and when morning came the +episode was forgotten. When it did recur to his mind it so happened +that Mrs. Perkins was out of reach. The result was that a month had +passed before Mrs. Perkins cane into possession of the facts, and it +was then, of course, too late to mention it to Jane. + +"You should have given her a good talking to at the time," said Mrs. +Perkins. "It's awful! I don't know what has got into Jane. My +best table-cloth has got a great hole in it, and she is very +careless with the silver. My fruit-knife last night was not clean." + +"I suppose YOU spoke to her about that?" said Perkins, smiling. + +"Not exactly; I sent for another, and handed her the dirty one," +returned Mrs. Perkins. "I guess she felt all that I could have +said." + +And time went on, and Jane continued to decay. She pulled corks +from olive-bottles with the carving-fork prongs and bent them +backwards. She developed a habit of going out and leaving her work +undone. The powdered sugar was allowed to resolve itself into +small, hard, pill-shaped lumps of various sizes. Breakfast had a +way of being served cold. The coffee was at times merely tepid; in +short, it seemed as if she really ought to be discharged; but then +there was invariably some reason for postponing the fatal hour. +Either her kindness to the children or a week or two of the old-time +efficiency, her unyielding civility, her scrupulous honesty, her +willing acquiescence in any new duty imposed, an impression that she +was suffering, any one or all of these reasons kept her on in her +place until she became so much a fixture in the household, so much +one of the family, that the idea of getting rid of her seemed beyond +the possibility of realization. That the axe should fall her +employers knew well, and may a resolve was taken that at the end of +the season she should go, yet neither Mrs. Perkins nor her husband +liked to tell her so. Her good points were still too potent, +although none could deny that all confidence in her efficiency was +shattered past repair. The situation finally reached a point where +it inspired reflections of a more or less humorous order. + +"I tell you what I think," said Thaddeus one evening, after a +particularly flagrant breach on Jane's part, involving a streak of +cranberry sauce across a supposititiously clean plate: "you won't +discharge her, Bess, and I won't; suppose we send for Mr. Burke, and +get him to do it." + +Mr. Burke was the one reliable man in town. It didn't make much +difference what the Perkinses wanted done, they generally sent for +Mr. Burke to do it, largely because when he attempted a commission +he saw it through. A carpenter and builder by trade, he had for +many years looked after the repairs needful to the Perkins' +dwelling; he had come often between Thaddeus and unskilled labor; he +had made bookcases which were dreams of convenience and sufficiently +pleasing to the eye; he had "fixed up" Mrs. Perkins's garden; he had +supplied the family with a new gardener when the old one had taken +on habits of drink, which destroyed not only himself but the +cabbages; he had kept an eye on the plumbers; he had put up, taken +down, and repaired awnings--in short, as Perkins said, he was a +"Universal." Once, when a delicate piece of bric-a-brac had been +broken and the china-mender asserted that it could not be mended, +Perkins had said, "See if Burke can't fix it," and Burke had fixed +it; and as final tribute to this wonder, Perkins had said, in +suffering: + +"My dear, I'm afraid I have appendicitis. Send for Mr. Burke." + +"Mr. Burke!" echoed his wife. + +"Yes, Mr. Burke," moaned the sufferer. "If my vermiform appendix is +to be removed, I'd rather have Mr. Burke do it with a chisel and saw +than any surgeon I know; and I won't take ether either, because it +is such a satisfaction to see him work." + +So, when this happy pair of house-holders had reached what might be +described as the grand climateric of their patience, and it was +finally decided that Jane's usefulness was a thing of the past, and +utterly beyond redemption, Thaddeus naturally suggested turning to +his faithful friend, Mr. Burke, to rid them of their woes, and, +indeed, but for Jane's own intervention, I fear that course would +have proved the sole alternative to her becoming an irremovable +fixture in the household. But it was Jane herself who solved the +problem. + +It was two days after the cranberry episode that the solution came, +and it was in this wise: + +"Did ye send for me?" Jane asked, suddenly materializing in Mrs. +Perkins's room. + +"No, Jane, I haven't; why?" + +The girl began to shied tears. + +"Because--you'd ought to have, ma'am. I know well enough that I +ain't satisfactory to you," she returned, her voice quivering, "and +I can't be, and I know you want me to go--and I--I've come to give +you notice." + +Then Mrs. Perkins looked at Jane with sorrow on her countenance, for +she had acquired an affection for her which the maid's delinquencies +had not been able to efface. + +"Can't you try and do better?" she asked. + +"No, ma'am," returned Jane. "Not with the system--never. Mr. +Perkins is too easy, and you do be so soft-hearted it don't keep a +girl up to her work. When I first come here, ma'am, not knowin' ye +well, I was afraid to be anything but what was right, but the way +you took accidents, and a bit of a shortcomin' once in a while, sort +of took away my fear, and I've been goin' down hill ever since. +Servant-girls is only human, Mrs. Perkins." + +Mrs. Perkins looked at Jane inquiringly. + +"We needs to be kept up to our work just as much as anybody else, +and when a lady like yourself is too easy, it gets a girl into bad +habits, and occasionally it does us good if the gentleman of the +house will swear at us, Mrs. Perkins, and sort of scare us, so it +does. It was that that was the making of me. The last place I was +in, ma'am, I was so afraid of both the missus and the gentleman that +I didn't dare to be careless; and I didn't dare be careless with you +until I found you all the time a-smilin', whatever went wrong, and +Mr. Perkins never sayin' a word, whether the dishes come to the +table clean or not." + +"Well, Jane," said Mrs. Perkins, somewhat carried away by this +course of reasoning, "you haven't been what we hoped--there is no +denying that; but knowing that you were disappointing us, why +couldn't you have made a special effort?" + +"Oh, Mrs. Perkins," sobbed the poor woman, "you don't understand. +We're all disappointin' to them we loves, but--it's them we fear--" + +"Then why aren't you afraid of us?" + +Jane laughed through her tears. The idea was preposterous. + +"Afraid of you and Mr. Perkins? Ah!" she said, sadly, "if I only +could be--but I can't. Why, Mrs. Perkins, if Mr. Perkins should +come in here now and swear at me the way Mr. Barley did when I +worked there, I'd know he was only puttin' it on, and that inside +he'd be laughin' at me. No, ma'am, it's no use. I feel that I must +go, or I'll be forever ruined. It was the cranberry showed me; a +girl had ought to be discharged for that. Dirty dinner plates isn't +excusable, and yet neither of you said a word, and next week it'll +be the same way--so I'm goin'. You won't send me off, so I've got +to do it myself." + +"Very well, Jane," said Mrs. Perkins; "if that is the way you feel +about it we'll have to part, I suppose. I am sorry, but--" + +The sentence was not finished, for Jane rushed weeping from the +room, and within a few days, her place having been filled, the house +knew her no more, except as an occasional visitor, ostensibly to see +the children. Later she got a place to her satisfaction, and one +night the Perkins were invited to dine with Jane's new employers. +They went and found their old-time "butler" at the very zenith of +her powers. She served the dinner as she had never served one in +her palmiest days in the Perkins's dining-room; and when all was +over, and when Mrs. Perkins went up-stairs to don her wrap to return +home, she found Jane above waiting to help her. + +"I am glad to see you so happy, Jane," she said, as the girl held +her cloak. + +"Ah, ma'am, I'm not very happy." + +"You ought to be, here. Your work to-night was perfect." + +"Yes," said Jane, "it had to be, for"--here her voice fell to a +whisper--"I don't dare let it be different, ma'am. Mrs. Harkins is +a regular divvle, and the ould gentleman--well, ma'am, he do swear +finer 'n any gentleman I ever met. It's just the place for me." + +And Jane sighed as her old mistress left her. + +"Wasn't she great, Bess?" said Thaddeus, on the way home. + +"She was, indeed," replied Mrs. Perkins, with a smile. "It's a pity +I'm not a divvle." + +Thaddeus laughed. "That's so," he said; "or that I never learned to +swear like a gentleman, eh?" + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, PASTE JEWELS *** + +This file should be named psjw10.txt or psjw10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, psjw11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, psjw10a.txt + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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They have one and all come +under the author’s observation during the past ten years, and +with the exception of “Mr. Bradley’s Jewel,” concerning +whom it is expressly stated that she was employed through lack of other +available material, not one of the servants herein made famous or infamous, +as the case may be, was employed except upon presentation of references +written by responsible persons that could properly have been given only +to domestics of the most sterling character. It is this last fact +that points the moral of the tales here presented, if it does not adorn +them.<br> +<br> +J. K. B.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +THE EMANCIPATION OF THADDEUS<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +They were very young, and possibly too amiable. Thaddeus was but +twenty-four and Bessie twenty-two when they twain, made one, walked +down the middle aisle of St. Peter’s together.<br> +<br> +Everybody remarked how amiable she looked even then; not that a bride +on her way out of church should look unamiable, of course, but we all +know how brides do look, as a rule, on such occasions - looks difficult +of analysis, but strangely suggestive of determined timidity, if there +can be such a quality expressed in the human face. It is the natural +expression of one who knows that she has taken the most important step +of her life, and, on turning to face those who have been bidden to witness +the ceremony, observes that the sacredness of the occasion is somewhat +marred by the presence in church of the unbidden curiosity-seekers, +who have come for much the same reason as that which prompts them to +go to the theatre - to enjoy the spectacle. But Bessie’s +face showed nothing but that intense amiability for which she had all +her life long been noted; and as for Thaddeus, he never ceased to smile +from the moment he turned and faced the congregation until the carriage +door closed upon him and his bride, and then, of course, he had to, +his lips being otherwise engaged. Indeed, Thaddeus’s amiability +was his greatest vice. He had never been known to be ill-natured +in his life but once, and that was during the week that Bessie had kept +him in suspense while she was making up her mind not to say “No” +to an important proposition he had made - a proposition, by-the-way, +which resulted in this very ceremony, and was largely responsible for +the trials and tribulations which followed.<br> +<br> +Thaddeus was rich - that is, he had an income and a vocation; a charming +little home was awaiting their coming, off in a convenient suburb; and, +best of all, Bessie was an accomplished house-keeper, having studied +under the best mistresses of that art to be found in the country. +And even if she had not completely mastered the art of keeping house, +Thaddeus was confident that all would go well with them, for their waitress +was a jewel, inherited from Bessie’s mother, and the cook, though +somewhat advanced in years, was beyond cavil, having been known to the +family of Thaddeus for a longer period than Thaddeus himself had been. +The only uncertain quantity in the household was Norah, the up-stairs +girl, who was not only new, but auburn-haired and of Celtic extraction.<br> +<br> +Under such circumstances did the young couple start in life, and many +there were who looked upon them with envy. At first, of course, +the household did not run as smoothly as it might have done - meals +were late, and served with less ceremony than either liked; but, as +Bessie said, as she and Thaddeus were finishing their breakfast one +morning, “What could you expect?”<br> +<br> +To which Thaddeus, with his customary smile, replied “What, indeed! +We get along much better than I really thought we should with old Ellen.”<br> +<br> +Old Ellen was the cook, and she had been known to Thaddeus as “Old +Ellen” even before his lips were able to utter the words.<br> +<br> +“Ellen has her ways, and Jane has hers,” said Bessie. +“After Jane has got accustomed to Ellen’s way of getting +breakfast ready, she will know better how to go about her own work. +I think, perhaps, cook’s manner is a little harsh. She made +Jane cry about the omelet this morning; but Jane is teary, anyhow.”<br> +<br> +“It wouldn’t do to have Ellen oily and Jane watery,” +Thaddeus answered. “They’d mix worse than ever then. +We’re in pretty good luck as it is.”<br> +<br> +“I think so, too, Teddy,” Bessie replied; “but Jane +is so foolish. She might have known better than to send the square +platter down to Ellen for an omelet, when the omelet was five times +as long as it was broad.”<br> +<br> +“You always had square omelets, though, at your house - that is, +whenever I was there you had,” said Thaddeus. “And +I suppose Jane’s notion is that as things happened under your +mother’s régime, so they ought to happen here.”<br> +<br> +“Possibly that was her notion,” replied Bessie; “but, +then, in your family the omelets were oblong, and Ellen is too old to +depart from her traditions. Old people get set in their ways, +and as long as results are satisfactory, we ought not to be captious +about methods.”<br> +<br> +“No, indeed, we shouldn’t,” smiled Thaddeus; “but +I don’t want you to give in to Ellen to too great an extent, my +dear. This is your home, and not my mother’s, and your ways +must be the ways of the house.”<br> +<br> +“Ellen is all right,” returned Bessie, “and I am so +delighted to have her, because, you know, Teddy dear, she knows what +you like even better, perhaps, than I do - naturally so, having grown +up in your family.”<br> +<br> +“Reverse that, my dear. Our family grew up on Ellen. +She set the culinary pace at home. Mother always let her have +her own way, and it may be she is a little spoiled.”<br> +<br> +“Do you know, Teddy, I wonder that, having had Ellen for so many +years, your mother was willing to give her up.”<br> +<br> +“Oh, I can explain that,” Thaddeus answered. “I’m +the youngest, you know; the rest of the family were old enough to be +weaned. Besides, father was getting old, and he had a notion that +the comforts of a hotel were preferable to the discomforts of house-keeping. +Father likes to eat meals at all hours, and the annunciator system of +hotel life, by which you can summon anything in an instant, from a shower-bath +to a feast of terrapin, was rather pleasing to him. He was always +an admirer of the tales of the genii, and he regards the electric button +in a well-appointed hotel as the nearest approach to the famous Aladdin +lamp known to science. You press the button, and your genii do +the rest.”<br> +<br> +“But a hotel isn’t home,” said Bessie.<br> +<br> +“A hotel isn’t this home,” answered Thaddeus. +“Love in a cottage for me; but, Bessie, perhaps you - perhaps +it wouldn’t be a bad idea for you to speak to Jane and Ellen this +morning about their differences. I am an hour late now.”<br> +<br> +Then Thaddeus kissed Bessie, and went down to business.<br> +<br> +On Thaddeus’s departure Bessie’s cheerfulness also deserted +her, and for the first time in her life she felt that it would do her +good if she could fly out at somebody - somebody, however, who was not +endeared to the heart of Thaddeus, or too intimately related to her +own family, which left no one but Norah upon whom to vent the displeasure +that she felt. Norah was, therefore, sought out, and requested +rather peremptorily to say how long it had been since she had dusted +the parlor; to which Norah was able truthfully to answer, “This +mornin’, mim.” Whereupon Bessie’s desire to +be disagreeable departed, and saying that Norah could now clean the +second-story front-room windows, she withdrew to her own snug sewing-room +until luncheon should be served. She was just a trifle put out +with Norah for being so efficient. There is nothing so affronting +to a young house-keeper as the discovery that the inherited family jewels, +upon whom much reliance has been placed, are as paste alongside of the +newly acquired bauble from whom little was expected. It was almost +unkind in Norah, Bessie thought, to be so impeccably conscientious when +Jane and Ellen were developing eccentricities; but there was the consoling +thought that when they had all been together a month or two longer, +their eccentricities would so shape themselves that they would fit into +one another, and ultimately bind the little domestic structure more +firmly together.<br> +<br> +“Perhaps if I let them alone,” Bessie said to herself, “they’ll +forget their differences more quickly. I guess, on the whole, +I will say nothing about it.”<br> +<br> +That night, when Thaddeus came home, the first thing he said to his +wife was: “Well, I suppose you were awfully firm this morning, +eh? Went down into the kitchen and roared like a little tyrant, +eh? I really was afraid to read the paper on the way home. +Didn’t know but what I’d read of a ‘Horrid Accident +in High Life. Mrs. Thaddeus Perkins’s Endeavor to Maintain +Discipline in the Household Results Fatally. Two Old Family Servants +Instantly Killed, and Three of the Kitchen Table Legs Broken by a Domestic +Explosion!’”<br> +<br> +“Be serious, Thaddeus,” said Bessie.<br> +<br> +And Thaddeus became instantly serious. “They - they haven’t +left us, have they?” he whispered, in an awe-struck tone.<br> +<br> +“No. I - I thought I’d let them fight it out between +themselves,” replied Bessie. “You see, Thaddeus, servants +are queer, and do not like to have their differences settled by others +than themselves. It’ll work out all right, if we let them +alone.”<br> +<br> +“I don’t know but that you are right,” said Thaddeus, +after a few moments of thought. “They’re both sensible +girls, and capable of fighting their own battles. Let’s +have dinner. I’m hungry as a bear.”<br> +<br> +It was half-past six o’clock, and the usual hour for dinner. +At 8.10 dinner was served. The intervening time was consumed by +Jane and Ellen endeavoring to settle their differences by the silent, +sniffy method - that is, Jane would sniff, and Ellen would be silent; +and then Ellen would sniff, and Jane would be silent. As for Thaddeus +and Bessie, they were amused rather than angry to have the dear little +broiled chicken Bessie had provided served on the large beef-platter; +and when the pease came up in a cut-glass salad-dish, Thaddeus laughed +outright, but Bessie’s eyes grew moist. It was too evident +that Jane and Ellen were not on speaking terms, and there was strong +need for some one to break the ice. Fortunately, Bessie’s +mother called that evening, and some of her time was spent below-stairs. +What she said there only Ellen and Jane knew, but it had its effect, +and for two or three weeks the jewels worked almost as satisfactorily +as did Norah, the new girl, and quite harmoniously.<br> +<br> +“Bessie,” said Thaddeus, one night as they ate their supper, +“does it occur to you that the roast is a little overdone to-night?”<br> +<br> +“Yes, Teddy, it is very much overdone. I must speak to Ellen +about it. She is a little careless about some things. I’ve +told her several times that you like your beef rare.”<br> +<br> +“Well, I’d tell her again. Constant dropping of water +on its surface will wear away a stone, and I think, perhaps, the constant +dropping of an idea on a cook’s head may wear away some of the +thickest parts of that - at least, until it is worn thin enough for +the idea to get through to where her brain ought to be. You might +say to her, too, that for several nights past dinner has been cold.”<br> +<br> +“I’ll speak to her in the morning,” was Bessie’s +reply; and the dear little woman was true to her purpose.<br> +<br> +“She explained about the beef and the cold dinner, Ted,” +she said, when Thaddeus came home that afternoon.<br> +<br> +“Satisfactorily to all hands, I hope?” said Thaddeus, with +his usual smile.<br> +<br> +“Yes, perfectly. In fact, I wonder we hadn’t thought +of it ourselves. In the old home, you know, the dinner-hour was +six o’clock, while here it is half-past six.”<br> +<br> +“What has that got to do with it?” asked Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“How obtuse of you, Teddy!” exclaimed Bessie. “Don’t +you see, the poor old thing has been so used to six-o’clock dinners +that she has everything ready for us at six? And if we are half +an hour hate, of course things get cold; or if they are kept in the +oven, as was the case with the beef last night, they are apt to be overdone?”<br> +<br> +“Why, of course. Ha! Ha! Wonder I didn’t +think of that,” laughed Thaddeus, though his mirth did seem a +little forced. “But - she’s - she’s going to +change, I suppose?”<br> +<br> +“She said she’d try,” Bessie replied. “She +was really so very nice about it, I hadn’t the heart to scold +her.”<br> +<br> +“I’m glad,” was all Thaddeus said, and during the +rest of the meal he was silent. Once or twice he seemed on the +verge of saying something, but apparently changed his mind.<br> +<br> +“Are you tired to-night, dear?” said Bessie, as the dessert +was served.<br> +<br> +“No. Why?” said Thaddeus, shortly.<br> +<br> +“Oh, nothing. I thought you seemed a little so,” Bessie +answered. “You mustn’t work too hard down-town.”<br> +<br> +“No, my dear girl,” he said. “I won’t, +and I don’t. I was thinking all through dinner about those +girls down-stairs. Perhaps - perhaps I had better talk to them, +eh? You are so awfully kind-hearted, and it does seem to me as +though they imposed a little on you, that’s all. The salad +to-night was atrocious. It should have been kept on the ice, instead +of which it comes to the table looking like a last year’s bouquet.”<br> +<br> +Bessie’s eyes grew watery. “I’m afraid it was +my fault,” she said. “I ought to have looked after +the salad myself. I always did at home. I suppose Jane got +it out expecting me to prepare it.”<br> +<br> +“Oh, well, never mind,” said Thaddeus, desirous of soothing +the troubled soul of his wife. “I wouldn’t have mentioned +it, only Jane does too much thinking, in a thoughtless way, anyhow. +Servants aren’t paid to think.”<br> +<br> +“I’ll tell you what, Thaddeus,” said Bessie, her spirits +returning, “we are just as much to blame as they are; we’ve +taken too much for granted, and so have they. Suppose we spend +the evening putting together a set of rules for the management of the +house? It will be lots of fun, and perhaps it will do the girls +good. They ought to understand that while our parents have had +their ways - and reasonable ways - there is no reason why we should +not have our ways.”<br> +<br> +“In other words,” said Thaddeus, “what we want to +draw up is a sort of Declaration of Independence.”<br> +<br> +“That’s it, exactly,” Bessie replied.<br> +<br> +“Better get a slate and write them on that,” suggested Thaddeus, +with a broad grin. “Then we can rub out whatever Jane and +Ellen don’t like.”<br> +<br> +“I hate you when you are sarcastic,” said Bessie, with a +pout, and then she ran for her pad and pencil.<br> +<br> +The evening was passed as she had suggested, and when they retired that +night the house of Perkins was provided with a constitution and by-laws.<br> +<br> +“I don’t suppose I shall recognize my surroundings when +I get back home to-night,” said Thaddeus, when he waked up in +the morning.<br> +<br> +“Why not?” asked Bessie. “What strange transformation +is there to be?”<br> +<br> +“The discipline will be so strict,” answered Thaddeus. +“I presume you will put those rules of ours into operation right +away?”<br> +<br> +“I have been thinking about that,” said Bessie, after a +moment. “You see, Thad, there are a great many things about +running a house that neither you nor I are familiar with yet, and it +seems to me that maybe we’d better wait a little while before +we impose these rules on the girls; it would be awkward to have to make +changes afterwards, you know.”<br> +<br> +“There is something in that,” said Thaddeus; “but, +after all, not so much as you seem to think. All rules have exceptions. +I’ve no doubt that the cook will take exception to most of them.”<br> +<br> +“That’s what I’m afraid of, and as she’s so +old I kind of feel as if I ought to respect her feelings a little more +than we would Norah’s, for instance. I can just tell you +I shall make Norah stand around.”<br> +<br> +“I think it would be a good plan if you did,” said Thaddeus. +“I’m afraid Norah will die if you don’t. She +works too hard to be a real servant - real servants stand around so +much, you know.”<br> +<br> +“Don’t be flippant, Thaddeus. This is a very serious +matter. Norah is a good girl, as you say. She works so much +and so quickly that she really makes me tired, and I’m constantly +oppressed with the thought that she may get through with whatever she +is doing before I can think of something else to occupy her time. +But with her we need have none of the feeling that we have with Jane +and Ellen. She is young, and susceptible to new impressions. +She can fall in with new rules, while the other two might chafe under +them. Now, I say we wait until we find out if we cannot let well +enough alone, and not raise discord in our home.”<br> +<br> +“There never was an Eden without its serpent,” sighed Thaddeus. +“I don’t exactly like the idea of fitting our rules to their +idiosyncrasies.”<br> +<br> +“It isn’t that, dear. I don’t want that, either; +but neither do we wish to unnecessarily hamper them in their work by +demanding that they shall do it our way.”<br> +<br> +“Oh, well, you are the President of the Republic,” said +Thaddeus. “You run matters to suit yourself, and I believe +we’ll have the most prosperous institution in the world before +we know it. If it were a business matter, I’d have those +rules or die; but I suppose you can’t run a house as you would +a business concern. I guess you are right. Keep the rules +a week. Why not submit ‘em to your mother first?”<br> +<br> +“I thought of that,” said Bessie. “But then +it occurred to me that as Ellen had served always under your mother, +it would be better if we consulted her.”<br> +<br> +“I don’t,” said Thaddeus. “She’d +be sure to tell you not to have any rules, or, if she didn’t, +she would advise you to consult with the cook in the matter, which would +result in Ellen’s becoming President, and you and I taxpayers. +She used to run our old house, and now see the consequences!”<br> +<br> +“What are the consequences?” asked Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Mother and father have been driven into a hotel, and the children +have all been married.”<br> +<br> +“That’s awful,” laughed Bessie.<br> +<br> +And so the rules were filed away for future reference. That they +would have remained on file for an indefinite period if Thaddeus had +not asked a friend to spend a few weeks with him, I do not doubt. +Bessie grew daily more mistrustful of their value, and Thaddeus himself +preferred the comfort of a quiet though somewhat irregular mode of living +to the turmoil likely to follow the imposition of obnoxious regulations +upon the aristocrats below-stairs. But the coming of Thaddeus’s +friend made a difference.<br> +<br> +The friend was an elderly man, with a business and a system. He +was a man, for instance, who all his life had breakfasted at seven, +lunched at one, and dined at six-thirty, of which Thaddeus was aware +when he invited him to make his suburban home his headquarters while +his own house was being renovated and his family abroad. Thaddeus +was also aware that the breakfast and dinner hours under Bessie’s +regime were nominally those of his friend, and so he was able to assure +Mr. Liscomb that his coming would in no way disturb the usual serenity +of the domestic pond. The trusting friend came. Breakfast +number one was served fifteen minutes after the hour, and for the first +time in ten years Mr. Liscomb was late in arriving at his office. +He had not quite recovered from the chagrin consequent upon his tardiness +when that evening he sat down to dinner at Thaddeus’s house, served +an hour and ten minutes late, Ellen having been summoned by wire to +town to buy a pair of shoes for one of her sister’s children, +the sister herself suffering from poverty and toothache.<br> +<br> +“I hope you were not delayed seriously this morning, Mr. Liscomb,” +said Bessie, after dinner.<br> +<br> +“Oh no, not at all!” returned Liscomb, polite enough to +tell an untruth, although its opposite was also a part of his system.<br> +<br> +“Ellen must be more prompt with breakfast,” said Thaddeus. +“Seven, sharp, is the hour. Did you speak to her about it?”<br> +<br> +“No, but I intend to,” answered Bessie. “I’ll +tell her the first thing after breakfast to-morrow. I meant to +have spoken about it to-day, but when I got down-stairs she had gone +out.”<br> +<br> +“Was it her day out?”<br> +<br> +“No; but her sister is sick, and she was sent for. It was +all right. She left word where she was going with Jane.”<br> +<br> +“That was very considerate of her,” said Liscomb, politely.<br> +<br> +“Yes,” said Bessie. “Ellen’s a splendid +woman.”<br> +<br> +Later on in the evening, about half-past nine, when Mr. Liscomb, wearied +with the excitement of the first irregular day he had known from boyhood, +retired, Thaddeus took occasion to say:<br> +<br> +“Bessie, I think you’d better tell Ellen about having breakfast +promptly in the morning to-night, before we go to bed.”<br> +<br> +“Very well,” returned Bessie, “I’ll go down +now and do it;” and down she went. In a moment she was back. +“The poor thing was so tired,” she said, “that she +went to bed as soon as dinner was cooked, so I couldn’t tell her.”<br> +<br> +“Why didn’t you send up word to her by Jane?”<br> +<br> +“Oh, she <i>must </i>be asleep by this time!”<br> +<br> +“Oh!” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +It was nine o’clock the next morning when Ellen opened her eyes. +Breakfast had been served a half-hour earlier, Jane and Bessie having +cooked some eggs, which Bessie ate alone, since Thaddeus and Liscomb +were compelled to take the eight-o’clock train to town, hungry +and forlorn. Liscomb was very good-natured about it to Thaddeus, +but his book-keeper had a woful tale to tell of his employer’s +irritability when he returned home that night. As for Thaddeus, +he spoke his mind very plainly - to Liscomb. Bessie never knew +what he said, nor did any of the servants; but he said it to Liscomb, +and, as Liscomb remarked later, he seemed like somebody else altogether +while speaking, he was so fierce and determined about it all. +That night a telegram came from Liscomb, saying that he had been unexpectedly +delayed, and that, as there were several matters requiring his attention +at his own home, he thought he would not be up again until Sunday.<br> +<br> +Bessie was relieved, and Thaddeus was mad.<br> +<br> +“We <i>must </i>have those rules,” he said.<br> +<br> +And so they were brought out. Ellen received them with stolid +indifference; Jane with indignation, if the slamming of doors in various +parts of the house that day betokened anything. Norah accepted +them without a murmur. It made no difference to Norah on what +day she swept the parlor, nor did she seem to care very much because +her “days at home” were shifted, so that her day out was +Friday instead of Thursday.<br> +<br> +“Has Ellen said anything about the rules, my dear?” asked +Thaddeus, a week or two later.<br> +<br> +“Not a word,” returned Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Has she ‘looked’ anything?”<br> +<br> +“Volumes,” Bessie answered.<br> +<br> +“Does she take exception to any of them?”<br> +<br> +“No,” said Bessie, “and I’ve discovered why, +too. She hasn’t read them.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus was silent for a minute. Then be said, quite firmly for +him, “She must read them.”<br> +<br> +“<i>Must </i>is a strong word, Teddy,” Bessie replied, “particularly +since Ellen can’t read.”<br> +<br> +“Then you ought to read them to her.”<br> +<br> +“That’s what I think,” Bessie answered, amiably. +“I’m going to do it very soon - day after to-morrow, I guess.”<br> +<br> +“What has Jane said?” asked Thaddeus, biting his lip.<br> +<br> +Bessie colored. Jane had expressed herself with considerable force, +and Bessie had been a little afraid to tell Thaddeus what she had said +and done.<br> +<br> +“Oh, nothing much,” she answered. “She - she +said she’d never wore caps like a common servant, and wasn’t +going to begin now; and then she didn’t like having to clean the +silver on Saturday afternoons, because the silver-powder got into her +finger-nails; and that really is too bad, Teddy, because Saturday night +is the night her friends come to call, and silver-powder is awfully +hard to get out of your nails, you know; and, of course, a girl wants +to appear neat and clean when she has callers.”<br> +<br> +“Of course,” said Thaddeus. “And I judge by +the appearance of the brass fenders that she doesn’t like to polish +them up on Wednesday because it gives her a backache on Thursday, which +is her day out.”<br> +<br> +Bessie’s eyes took on their watery aspect again.<br> +<br> +“Do the fenders look so very badly, Ted?” she asked.<br> +<br> +“They’re atrocious,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“I’m sorry, dear; but I did my best. I polished them +myself this afternoon; Jane had to go to a funeral.”<br> +<br> +“Oh, my!” cried Thaddeus. “This subject’s +too much for me. Let’s go out - somewhere, anywhere - to +a concert. Music hath its charms to soothe a savage breast, and +my breast is simply the very essence of wildness to-night. Put +on your things, Bess, and hurry, or I’ll suffocate.”<br> +<br> +Bessie did as she was told, and before ten o’clock the happy pair +had forgotten their woes, nor do I think they would have remembered +them again that night had they not found on their return home that they +were locked out.<br> +<br> +At this even the too amiable Bessie was angry - very angry - unjustly, +as it turned out afterwards.<br> +<br> +“They weren’t to blame, after all,” she explained +to Thaddeus, when he came home the next night. “I spoke +to them about it, and they all thought we’d spend the night with +your mother and father at the Oxford.”<br> +<br> +“They’re a thoughtful lot,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +And so time passed. The “treasures” did as they pleased; +the dubious auburn-haired Norah continued her aggravating efficiency. +Bessie’s days were spent in anticipation of an interview of an +unpleasant nature with Jane or Ellen “to-morrow.” +Thaddeus’s former smile grew less perpetual - that is, it was +always visible when Bessie was before him, but when Bessie was elsewhere, +so also was the token of Thaddeus’s amiability. He chafed +under the tyranny, but it never occurred to him but once that it would +be well for him to interview Ellen and Jane; and then, summoning them +fiercely, he addressed them mildly, ended the audience with a smile, +and felt himself beneath their sway more than ever.<br> +<br> +Then something happened. A day came and went, and the morrow thereof +found Thaddeus dethroned from even his nominal position of head of the +house. There was a young Thaddeus, an eight-pound Thaddeus, a +round, red-cheeked, bald-headed Thaddeus that looked more like the Thaddeus +of old than Thaddeus did himself; and then, at a period in which man +feels himself the least among the insignificant, did our hero find happiness +unalloyed once more, for to the pride of being a father was added the +satisfaction of seeing Jane and Ellen acknowledge a superior. +Make no mistake, you who read. It was not to Thaddeus junior that +these gems bowed down. It was to the good woman who came in to +care for the little one and his mother that they humbled themselves.<br> +<br> +“She’s great,” said Thaddeus to himself, as he watched +Jane bustling about to obey the command of the temporary mistress of +the situation as she had never bustled before.<br> +<br> +“She’s a second Elizabeth,” chuckled Thaddeus, as +he listened to an order passed down the dumb-waiter shaft from the stout +empress of the moment to the trembling queen of the kitchen.<br> +<br> +“She’s a little dictatorial,” whispered Thaddeus to +his newspaper, when the monarch of all she surveyed gave him <i>his +</i>orders. “But there are times, even in a Republic like +this, when a dictator is an advantage. I hate to see a woman cry, +but the way Jane wept at the routing Mrs. Brown gave her this morning +was a finer sight than Niagara.”<br> +<br> +But, alas! this happy state of affairs could not last forever. +Thaddeus was just beginning to get on easy terms with Mrs. Brown when +she was summoned elsewhere.<br> +<br> +“Change of heir is necessary for one in her profession,” +sighed Thaddeus; and then, when he thought of resuming the reins himself, +he sighed again, and wished that Mrs. Brown might have remained a fixture +in the household forever. “Still,” he added, more +to comfort himself than because he had any decided convictions to express +- “still, a baby in the house will make a difference, and Ellen +and Jane will behave better now that Bessie’s added responsibilities +put them more upon their honor.”<br> +<br> +For a time Thaddeus’s prophecy was correct. Ellen and Jane +did do better for nearly two months, and then - but why repeat the old +story? Then they lapsed, that is all, and became more tyrannical +than ever. Bessie was so busy with little Ted that the household +affairs outside of the nursery came under their exclusive control. +Thaddeus stood it - I was going to say nobly, but I think it were better +put ignobly - but he had a good excuse for so doing.<br> +<br> +“A baby is an awful care to its mother,” he said; “a +responsibility that takes up her whole time and attention. I don’t +think I’d better complicate matters by getting into a row with +the servants.”<br> +<br> +And so it went. A year and another year passed. The pretty +home was beginning to look old. The bloom of its youth had most +improperly faded - for surely a home should never fade - but there was +the boy, a growing delight to his father, so why complain? Better +this easy-going life than one of domestic contention.<br> +<br> +Then on a sudden the boy fell ill. The doctor came - shook his +head gravely.<br> +<br> +“You must take him to the sea-shore,” he said. “It +is his only chance.”<br> +<br> +And to the sea-shore they went, leaving the house in charge of the treasures.<br> +<br> +“I have confidence in you,” said Thaddeus to Jane and Ellen +on the morning of the departure, “so I have decided to leave the +house open in your care. Mrs. Perkins wants you to keep it as +you would if she were here. Whatever you need to make yourselves +comfortable, you may get. Good-bye.”<br> +<br> +“What a comfort it is,” said Bessie, when they had reached +the sea-shore, and were indulging in their first bit of that woful luxury, +homesickness - “what a comfort it is to feel that the girls are +there to look after things! An empty house is such a temptation +to thieves.”<br> +<br> +“Yes,” said Thaddeus. “I hope they won’t +entertain too much, though.”<br> +<br> +“Ellen and Jane are too old for that sort of thing,” Bessie +answered.<br> +<br> +“How about Norah?”<br> +<br> +“Oh, I forgot to tell you. There was nothing really for +Norah to do, so I told her she could go off and stay with her mother +on board-wages.”<br> +<br> +“Good!” said Thaddeus, with a pleased smile. “It +isn’t a bad idea to save, particularly when you are staying at +the sea-shore.”<br> +<br> +In this contented frame of mind they lived for several weeks. +The boy grew stronger every day, and finally Thaddeus felt that the +child was well enough to warrant his running back home for a night, +“just to see how things were going.” That the girls +were faithful, of course, he did not doubt; the regularity with which +letters addressed to him at home - and they were numerous - reached +him convinced him of that; but the hamper containing the week’s +wash, which Ellen and Jane were to send, and which had been expected +on Thursday of the preceding week, had failed for once to arrive; the +boy had worn one dress four days, Thaddeus’s collars were getting +low, and altogether he was just a little uneasy about things. +So he availed himself of his opportunity and went home, taking with +him a friend, in consideration of whom he telegraphed ahead to Ellen +to prepare a good breakfast, not caring for dinner, since he and his +companion expected to dine at the club and go to the theatre before +going out to his home.<br> +<br> +The result would have been fatal to Bessie’s peace of mind had +she heard of it during her absence from home. But Thaddeus never +told her, until it was a matter of ancient history, that when he arrived +at home, a little after midnight, he found the place deserted, and was +compelled to usher his friend in through the parlor window; that from +top to bottom the mansion gave evidence of not having seen a broom or +a dust-brush since the departure of the family; that Jane had not been +seen in the neighborhood for one full week - this came from those living +on adjoining property; that Ellen had been absent since early that morning, +and was not expected to return for three days; and, crowning act of +infamy, that he, Thaddeus, and his friend were compelled to breakfast +next morning upon a half of a custard pie, a bit mouldy, found by the +lord of the manor on the fast-melting remains of a cake of ice in the +refrigerator. Whether it would have happened if Thaddeus had not +been accompanied by a friend, whose laughter incited him to great deeds, +or not I am not prepared to say, but something important did happen. +Thaddeus rose to the occasion, and committed an act, and committed it +thoroughly. The Thaddeus of old, the meek, long-suffering, too +amiable Thaddeus, disappeared. The famous smile was given no chance +to play. His wife was absent, and the smile was far away with +her. Thaddeus, with one fell blow, burst his fetters and became +free.<br> +<br> +That afternoon, when he had returned to the seaboard, Bessie asked him, +“How was the house?”<br> +<br> +“Beautiful,” said Thaddeus, quite truthfully; for it was.<br> +<br> +“Did Ellen say anything about the hamper?”<br> +<br> +“Not a word.”<br> +<br> +“Did you speak to her about it?”<br> +<br> +“Nope.”<br> +<br> +“Oh, Teddy! How could you forget it?”<br> +<br> +To the lasting honor of Thaddeus be it said that he bore up under this +unflinchingly.<br> +<br> +“Did you have a good breakfast, Ted?” Bessie asked, returning +to the subject later.<br> +<br> +“Very,” said Thaddeus, thinking of the hearty meal he and +his fellow-sufferer had eaten at the club after getting back to town. +“We had a tomato omelet, coffee, toast, rice cakes, tenderloin +steak, and grits.”<br> +<br> +“Dear me!” smiled Bessie; she was so glad her Teddy had +been so well treated. “All that? Ellen must have laid +herself out.”<br> +<br> +“Yes,” said Thaddeus; “I think she did.”<br> +<br> +<br> +All the following week Thaddeus seemed to have a load on his mind - +a load which he resolutely refused to share with his wife - and on Friday +he found it necessary to go up to town.<br> +<br> +“I thought this was your vacation,” remonstrated Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Well, so it is,” said Thaddeus. “But - but +I’ve got one or two matters to attend to - matters of very great +importance - so that I think I’ll have to go.”<br> +<br> +“If you must, you must,” said Bessie. “But I +think it’s horrid of your partner to make you go back to town +this hot weather.”<br> +<br> +“Don’t be cross with my partner,” said Thaddeus; “especially +my partner in this matter.”<br> +<br> +“Have you different partners for different matters?”<i> +</i>queried Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Never mind about that, my dear; you’ll know all about it +in time, so don’t worry.”<br> +<br> +“All right, Teddy. But I don’t like to have you running +away from me when I’m at a hotel. I’d rather be home, +anyhow. Can’t I go with you? Little Ted is well enough +now to go home.”<br> +<br> +“Not this time; but you can go up next Wednesday if you wish,” +returned Thaddeus, with a slight show of embarrassment.<br> +<br> +And so it was settled, and Thaddeus went to town. On Wednesday +they all left the sea-shore to return to Phillipseburg.<br> +<br> +“Oh, how lovely it looks!” ejaculated Bessie, as she entered +the house, Norah having opened the door. “But - er - where’s +Jane, Norah?”<br> +<br> +“Cookin’ the dinner, mim.”<br> +<br> +“Why, Jane can’t cook.”<br> +<br> +“If you please, mim, this is a new Jane.”<br> +<br> +Bessie’s parasol fell to the floor. “A wha-a-at?” +she cried.<br> +<br> +“A new Jane. Misther Perkins has dispinsed with old Jane +and Ellen, mim.”<br> +<br> +Bessie rushed up-stairs to her room and cried. The shock was too +sudden. She longed for Thaddeus, who had remained at the station +collecting the bath-tubs and other luxuries of the baby from the luggage-van, +to come. What did it all mean? Jane and Ellen gone! +New girls in their places!<br> +<br> +And then Thaddeus came, and made all plain to the little woman, and +when he was all through she was satisfied. He had discharged the +tyrants, and had supplied their places. The latter was the important +business which had taken him to town.<br> +<br> +“But, Teddy,” Bessie said, with a smile, when she had heard +all, “how did poor mild little you ever have the courage to face +those two women and give them their discharge?”<br> +<br> +Teddy blushed. “I didn’t,” he answered, meekly; +“I wrote it.”<br> +<br> +Five years have passed since then, and all has gone well. Thaddeus +has remained free, and, as he proudly observes, domestics now tremble +at his approach - that is, all except Norah, who remembers him as of +old. Ellen and Jane are living together in affluence, having saved +their wages for nearly the whole of their term of “service.” +Bessie is happy in the possession of two fine boys, to whom all her +attention - all save a little reserved for Thaddeus - is given; and, +as for the dubious, auburn-haired, and distinctly Celtic Norah, Thaddeus +is afraid that she is developing into a “treasure.”<br> +<br> +“Why do you think so?” Bessie asked him, when he first expressed +that fear.<br> +<br> +“Oh, she has the symptoms,” returned Thaddeus. “She +has taken three nights off this week.”<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +MR. BRADLEY’S JEWEL<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +Thaddeus was tired, and, therefore, Thaddeus was grumpy. One premise +only was necessary for the conclusion - in fact, it was the only premise +upon which a conclusion involving Thaddeus’s grumpiness could +find a foothold. If Thaddeus felt rested, everything in the world +could go wrong and he would smile as sweetly as ever; but with the slightest +trace of weariness in his system the smile would fade, wrinkles would +gather on his forehead, and grumpiness set in whether things were right +or wrong. On this special occasion to which I refer, things were +just wrong enough to give him a decent excuse - outside of his weariness +- for his irritation. Norah, the housemaid, had officiously undertaken +to cover up the shortcomings of John, who should have blacked Thaddeus’s +boots, and who had taken his day off without preparing the extra pair +which the lord of the manor had expected to wear that evening. +It was nice of the housemaid, of course, to try to black the extra pair +to keep John out of trouble, but she might have been more discriminating. +It was not necessary for her to polish, until they shone like Claude +Lorraine glasses, two right boots, one of which, paradoxical as it may +seem, was consequently the wrong boot; so that when Thaddeus came to +dress for the evening’s diversion there was nowhere to be found +in his shoe-box a bit of leathern gear in which his left foot might +appear in polite society to advantage. Possibly Thaddeus might +have endured the pain of a right boot on a left foot, had not Norah +unfortunately chosen for that member a box-toed boot, while for the +right she had selected one with a very decided acute angle at its toe-end.<br> +<br> +“Just like a woman!” ejaculated Thaddeus, angrily.<br> +<br> +“Yes,”<i> </i>returned Bessie, missing Thaddeus’s +point slightly. “It was very thoughtful of Norah to look +after John’s work, knowing how important it was to you.”<br> +<br> +Fortunately Thaddeus was out of breath trying to shine up the other +pointed-toe shoe, so that his only reply to this was a look, which Bessie, +absorbed as she was in putting the studs in Thaddeus’s shirt, +did not see. If she had seen it, I doubt if she would have been +so entirely happy as the tender little song she was humming softly to +herself seemed to indicate that she was.<br> +<br> +“Some people are born lucky!” growled Thaddeus, as he finished +rubbing up the left boot, giving it a satin finish which hardly matched +the luminous brilliance of its mate, though he said it would do. +“There’s Bradley, now; he never has any domestic woes of +this sort, and he pays just half what we do for his servants.”<br> +<br> +“Oh, Mr. Bradley. I don’t like him!” ejaculated +Bessie. “You are always talking about Mr. Bradley, as if +he had an automaton for a servant.”<br> +<br> +“No, I don’t say he has an automaton,” returned Thaddeus. +“Automatons don’t often work, and Bradley’s jewel +does. Her name is Mary, but Bradley always calls her his jewel.”<br> +<br> +“I’ve heard of jewels,” said Bessie, thinking of the +two Thaddeus and she had begun their married life with, “but they’ve +always seemed to me to be paste emeralds - awfully green, and lot worth +much.”<br> +<br> +“There’s no paste emerald about Bradley’s girl,” +said Thaddeus. “Why, he says that woman has been in Mrs. +Bradley’s employ for seven weeks now, and she hasn’t broken +a bit of china; never sweeps dust under the beds or bureaus; keeps the +silver polished so that it looks as if it were solid; gets up at six +every morning; cooks well; is civil, sober, industrious; has no hangers-on +- ”<br> +<br> +“Is Mr. Bradley a realist or a romancer?” asked Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Why do you ask that?” replied Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“That jewel story sounds like an <i>Arabian Nights </i>tale,” +said Bessie. “I don’t believe that it is more than +half true, and that half is exaggerated.”<br> +<br> +“Well, it <i>is </i>true,” said Thaddeus. “And, +what is more, the girl helps in the washing, plays with the children, +and on her days out she stays at home and does sewing.”<br> +<br> +Bessie laughed. “She must be a regular Koh-i-noor,” +she said. “I suppose Mr. Bradley pays her a thousand dollars +a month.”<br> +<br> +“No, he doesn’t; he pays her twelve,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“Then he is just what I said he was,” snapped Bessie - “a +mean thing. The idea - twelve dollars a month for all that! +Why, if she could prove she was all that you say she is, she could make +ten times that amount by exhibiting herself. She is a curiosity. +But if I were Mrs. Bradley I wouldn’t have her in the house. +So many virtues piled one on the other are sure to make an unsafe structure, +and I believe some poor, miserable little vice will crop out somewhere +and upset the whole thing.”<br> +<br> +“You are jealous,” said Thaddeus; and then he went out.<br> +<br> +The next day, meeting his friend Bradley on the street, Thaddeus greeted +him with a smile, and said, “Mrs. Perkins thinks you ought to +take up literature.”<br> +<br> +“Why so?” asked Bradley.<br> +<br> +“She thinks De Foe and Scott and Dumas and Stevenson would be +thrown into the depths of oblivion if you were to write up that jewel +of yours,” said Thaddeus. “She thinks your Mary is +one of the finest, most imaginative creations of modern days.”<br> +<br> +“She doubts her existence, eh?” smiled Bradley.<br> +<br> +“Well, she thinks she’s more likely to be a myth than a +Smith,” said Thaddeus. “She told me to ask you if +Mary has a twin-sister, and to say that if you hear of her having any +relatives at all - and no domestic ever lived who hadn’t - to +send her their addresses. She’d like to employ a few.”<br> +<br> +“I am sorry Mrs. Perkins is so blinded by jealousy,” said +Bradley, with a smile. “And I regret to say that Mary hasn’t +a cousin on the whole police force, or, in fact, any kind of a relative +whatsoever, unless she prevaricates.”<br> +<br> +“Too bad,” said Thaddeus. “I had a vague hope +we could stock up on jewels of her kind. Where did you get her, +anyhow - Tiffany’s?”<br> +<br> +“No. At an unintelligence office,” said Bradley. +“She was a last resort. We had to have some one, and she +was the only girl there. We took her for a week on trial without +references, and, by Jove! she turned out a wonder.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus grinned, and said: “Give her time, Bradley. By-the-way, +at what hours is she on exhibition? I’d like to see her.”<br> +<br> +“Come up to-night and test the truth of what I say,” said +Bradley. “I won’t let anybody know you are coming, +and you’ll see her just as we see her. What do you say?”<br> +<br> +The temptation was too strong for Thaddeus to resist, and so it was +that Bessie received a telegram that afternoon from her beloved, stating +that he would dine with Bradley, and return home on a late train. +The telegram concluded with the line, “<i>I</i>’<i>m going +to appraise the escaped crown-jewel.</i>”<br> +<br> +Bessie chuckled at this, and stayed up until long after the arrival +of the last train, so interested was she to hear from Thaddeus all about +the Bradley jewel, who, as she said, “seemed too good to be true”; +but she was finally forced to retire disappointed and somewhat anxious, +for Thaddeus did not return home that night.<br> +<br> +Somewhere in the neighborhood of eight o’clock the next morning +Bessie received a second telegram, which read as follows:<br> +<br> +“<i>Do not worry. I am all right. Will be home about +nine, Have breakfast.</i>”<br> +<br> +“Now I wonder what on earth can have kep him?” Bessie said. +“Something has happened, I am sure. Perhaps an accident +on the elevated, or maybe - ”<br> +<br> +She did not finish the sentence, but rushed into the library and snatched +up the morning paper, scanning its every column in the expectation, +if not hope, of finding that some horrible disaster had occurred, in +which her Thaddeus might have been involved. The paper disclosed +nothing of the sort. Only a few commonplace murders, the usual +assortment of defalcations, baseball prophecies, and political prognostications +could Bessie discover therein. Never, in fact, had the newspaper +seemed so uninteresting - not even a bargain-counter announcement was +there - and with an impatient, petulant stamp of her little foot she +threw the journal from her and returned to the dining-room. It +was then half-past eight, and, hardly able to contain herself with excitement, +Bessie sat down by the window, and almost, if not quite, counted every +swing of the pendulum that pushed the hands of the chock on to the desired +hour. She could not eat, and not until curiosity was gratified +as to what it was that had detained Thaddeus, and that, more singular +still, was bringing him home instead of sending him to business at nine +o’clock in the morning, could she, in fact, do anything?<br> +<br> +Finally, the grinding sounds of carriage wheels on the gravel road without +were heard, and in an instant Bessie was at the door to welcome the +prodigal. And what a Thaddeus it was that came home that morning! +His eyes showed conclusively that he had had no sleep, save the more +or less unsatisfactory napping which suburban residents get on the trains. +His beautiful pearl-gray scarf, that so became him when he left home +the previous morning, was not anywhere in sight. His cheek was +scratched, and every button that his vest had ever known had taken wings +unto itself and flown, Bessie knew not whither. And yet, tired +out as he was, dishevelled as he was, Thaddeus was not grumpy, but inclined +rather to explosive laughter as he entered the house.<br> +<br> +“Why, Thaddeus!” cried Bessie, in alarm. “What +on earth is the matter with you? You look as if you had been in +a riot.”<br> +<br> +“That’s a pretty good guess, my dear,” returned Thaddeus, +with a laugh, “but not quite the right one.”<br> +<br> +“But tell me, what have you been doing? Where have you been?”<br> +<br> +“At Bradley’s, my love.”<br> +<br> +“You haven’t been - been quarrelling with Mr. Bradley?”<br> +<br> +“No. Bradley’s jewel has proved your husband’s +Waterloo, as well as the Sedan of Bradley himself,” returned Thaddeus, +throwing his head back and bursting out into a loud guffaw.<br> +<br> +“I am not good at riddles, Thaddeus,” said Bessie, “and +I haven’t laughed much myself since that last train came in last +night and didn’t bring you. I think you might tell me - +”<br> +<br> +“Why, my dear little girl,” said Thaddeus, walking to her +side and kissing her, “I didn’t mean to keep you in suspense, +and of course I’ll tell you.”<br> +<br> +Then, as they ate their breakfast, Thaddeus explained. “I +told Bradley that you were a sceptic on the subject of his jewel,” +he said, “and he offered to prove that she was eighteen carats +fine by taking me home with him, an unexpected guest, by which act he +would test her value to my satisfaction. Of course, having cast +doubts upon her excellence, I had to accent, and at half-past five he +and I boarded an elevated train for Harlem. At six we stood before +Bradley’s front door, and as he had left his keys at the office, +he rang the bell and waited. It was a long wait, considering the +presence of a jewel within doors. It must have lasted fifteen +minutes, and even that would have been but the beginning, in spite of +repeated and continuous pulling of the bell-handle, had we not determined +to enter through the reception-room window.”<br> +<br> +“Did you try the basement door?” queried Bessie, with a +smile, for it pleased her to hear that the jewel was not quite flawless.<br> +<br> +“Yes,” said Thaddeus. “We rang four times at +the basement, and I should say seven times at the front door, and then +we took to the window. Bradley’s is one of those narrow +English-basement houses with a small yard in front, so that the reception-room +window is easy to reach by climbing over the vault leading to the basement +door, which is more or less of a cellar entrance. Fortunately +the window was unlocked. I say fortunately, because it enabled +us to get into the house, though if I were sitting on a jury I think +I should base an indictment - one of criminal negligence - of the Jewel +on the fact that it was unlocked. It was just the hour, you know, +when policemen yawn and sneak-thieves prowl.”<br> +<br> +“How careless!” vouchsafed Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Very,” said Thaddeus. “But this time it worked +for the good of all concerned, although my personal appearance doesn’t +give any indication that I gained anything by it. In fact, it +would have been better for me if the house had been hermetically sealed.”<br> +<br> +“Don’t dally so much, Thaddeus,” put in Bessie. +“I’m anxious to hear what happened.”<br> +<br> +“Well, of course Bradley was very much concerned,” continued +Thaddeus. “It was bad enough not to be able to attract the +maid’s attention by ringing, but when he noticed that the house +was as dark as pitch, and that despite the clanging of the bell, which +could be heard all over the neighborhood, even his wife didn’t +come to the door, he was worried; and he was more worried than ever +when he got inside. We lit the gas in the hall, and walked back +into the dining-room, where we also lighted up, and such confusion as +was there you never saw! The table-cloth was in a heap on the +floor; Bradley’s candelabra, of which he was always so proud, +were bent and twisted out of shape under the table; glasses broken beyond +redemption were strewn round about; and a mixture of pepper, salt, and +sugar was over everything.”<br> +<br> +“‘I believe there have been thieves here,’ said Bradley, +his face turning white. And then he went to the foot of the stairs +and called up to his wife, but there no answer.<br> +<br> +“Then he started on a dead run up the stair. Above all was +in confusion, as in the dining-room. Vases were broken, pictures +hung awry on the walls; but nowhere was Mrs. Bradley or one of the Bradley +children to be seen.<br> +<br> +“Then we began a systematic search of the house. Everywhere +everything was upside-down, and finally we came to a door on the third +story back, leading into the children’s play-room, and as we turned +the knob and tried to open it we heard Mrs. Bradley’s voice from +within.<br> +<br> +“‘Who’s there?’ she said, her voice all of a +tremble.<br> +<br> +“‘It is I!’ returned Bradley. ‘Open the +door. What is the meaning of all this?’<br> +<br> +“‘Oh, I’m so glad you have come!’ returned Mrs. +Bradley, with a sob, and then we heard sounds as of the moving of heavy +furniture. Mrs. Bradley, for some as yet unexplained reason, seemed +to have barricaded herself in.<br> +<br> +“Finally the door was opened, and Mrs. Bradley buried her face +on her husband’s shoulder and sobbed hysterically.<br> +<br> +“‘What on earth is the matter?’ asked Bradley, as +his children followed their mother’s lead, except that they buried +their faces in his coat-tail pockets. ‘What has happened?’<br> +<br> +“‘Mary!’ gasped Mrs. Bradley.”<br> +<br> +“The jewel?” asked Bessie.<br> +<br> +“The same,” returned Thaddeus, with a smile. “She +was the jewel, alas! now deprived of her former glorious setting.<br> +<br> +“‘What’s the matter with Mary?’<i> </i>asked +Bradley.<br> +<br> +“‘She’s been behaving outrageously. I found +her this morning,’ said Mrs. Bradley, ‘rummaging through +my escritoire, throwing things all over the floor; and when I remonstrated +she said she was looking for a sheet of paper on which to write a letter. +I told her she should have asked me for it, and she replied impertinently +that she never asked favors of anybody. I told her to leave the +room, and she declined to do it, picking up a sofa-pillow and throwing +it at me. I was so overcome I nearly fainted.’”<br> +<br> +“I should think she would have been overcome! Such impudence!” +said Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Humph!” said Thaddeus. “That isn’t a +marker to what followed. Why, according to Mrs. Bradley’s +story, that escaped Koh-i-noor called her all sorts of horrible names, +threw an empty ink-pot at a photograph of Bradley himself, that stood +on the mantel, and then, grabbing up a whisk-broom, literally swept +everything else there was on the mantel off to the floor with it. +This done, she began to overturn chairs with an ardor born of temper, +apparently; and, finally, Mrs. Bradley got so frightened that she ran +from the room, and the jewel started in pursuit. Straight to the +nursery ran the lady of the house - for there was where the children +were, playing house, no doubt, with little idea that jewels sometimes +deteriorated. Once in the nursery, Mrs. Bradley slammed the door +to, locked it, and then, still fearful, rolled before it the bureau +and the children’s cribs. After that the actions of the +jewel could only be surmised. The door was pounded and the atmosphere +of the hall was rent with violent harangues; then a hurried step was +heard as the jewel presumably sailed below-stairs; then crashings were +heard - crashings which might have indicated the smashing of windows, +of picture-glass, of mirrors, chairs, and other household appurtenances, +after which, Mrs. Bradley observed, all became still.”<br> +<br> +“Mercy! what a trial!” said Bessie.<br> +<br> +“And was she locked up in the nursery all day?”<br> +<br> +“From twelve until we rescued her at a little after six,” +said Thaddeus. “Then Bradley and I started out to find the +jewel, if possible, and I regret to say that it was possible. +We found her asleep on the kitchen table, and Bradley hadn’t any +more sense than to try and wake her up. He succeeded too well. +For the next ten minutes she was the most wide-awake woman you ever +saw, and she kept us wide awake too. The minute she opened her +eyes and saw us standing before her, she sprang to her feet and made +a rush at Bradley, for which he was totally unprepared, the consequence +of which was that in an instant he found himself sitting in a very undignified +manner, for the head of the house, on the kitchen floor, trying to collect +his somewhat scattered faculties.<br> +<br> +“When she had persuaded Bradley to take a seat, she turned to +shower her attentions on me. I jumped to one side, but she managed +to grab hold of my vest, and hence its buttonless condition. By +this time Bradley was on his feet again, and, having had the temerity +to face his jewel the second time, he again came off second best, losing +one of the button-holes of his collar in the mêlée. +I rushed in from behind, and flirtatiously, perhaps, tried to grab hold +of her hands, coming off the field minus a necktie, but plus that picturesque +scratch you see on my nose. Stopping a moment to count up my profit +and loss, I let Bradley make the next assault, which resulted in a drawn +battle, Bradley losing his watch and his temper, the jewel losing her +breath and her balance. So it went on for probably three or four +minutes longer, though we certainly acquired several years of experience +in those short minutes, until finally we managed to conquer her. +This done, we locked her up in a closet.”<br> +<br> +“Had she been at the cooking-sherry?” asked Bessie.<br> +<br> +“We thought so at first, and Bradley sent for a policeman,” +said Thaddeus “but when he came we found the poor creature too +exhausted to be moved, and in a very short while Mrs. Bradley decided +that it was a case for a doctor and not for a police-justice. +So the doctor was summoned, and we waited, dinnerless, in the dining-room +for his verdict, and finally it came. <i>Bradley’s jewel +was insane</i>!”<br> +<br> +“Insane!” echoed Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Mad as a hatter,” replied Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“Well, I declare!” said Bessie, thoughtfully. “But, +Thaddeus, do you know I am not surprised.”<br> +<br> +“Why, my dear?” he asked.<br> +<br> +“Because, Teddy, she was too perfect to be in her right mind.”<br> +<br> +And Thaddeus, after thinking it all over, was inclined to believe that +Bessie was in the right.<br> +<br> +“Yes, Bess, she was perfect - perfect in the way she did her work, +perfect in the way she smashed things, and nowhere did she more successfully +show the thoroughness with which she did everything than when it came +to removing the buttons from my vest. Isn’t it too bad that +the only perfect servant that ever lived should turn out to be a hopeless +maniac? But I must hurry off, or I’ll miss my train.”<br> +<br> +“You are not going down to town to-day?” asked Bessie.<br> +<br> +“To-day, above all other days, am I going down,” returned +Thaddeus. “I am enough of a barbarian to be unwilling to +lose the chance of seeing Bradley, and asking him how he and his jewel +get along.”<br> +<br> +“Thaddeus!”<br> +<br> +“Why not, my dear?”<br> +<br> +“It would be too mean for anything.”<br> +<br> +“Well, perhaps you are right. I guess I won’t. +But he has rubbed it into me so much about our domestics that I hate +to lose the chance to hit back.”<br> +<br> +“Has he?” said Bessie, her face flushing indignantly, and, +it may be added, becomingly. “In that case, perhaps, you +might - ha! ha! - perhaps you might telegraph and ask him.”<br> +<br> +And Thaddeus did so. As yet he has received no reply.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +UNEXPECTED POMP AT THE PERKINS’S<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +“My dear,” said Thaddeus, one night, as he and Mrs. Perkins +entered the library after dinner, “that was a very good dinner +to-night. Don’t you think so?”<br> +<br> +“All except the salmon,” said Bessie, with a smile.<br> +<br> +“Salmon?” echoed Thaddeus. “Salmon? I +did not see any salmon.”<br> +<br> +“No,” said Bessie, “that was just the trouble. +It didn’t come up, although it was in the house before dinner, +I’m certain. I saw it arrive.”<br> +<br> +“Ellen couldn’t have known you intended it for dinner,” +said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“Yes, she knew it was for dinner,” returned Bessie, “but +she made a mistake as to whose dinner it was for. She supposed +it was bought for the kitchen-table, and when I went down-stairs to +inquire about it a few minutes ago it was fulfilling its assumed mission +nobly. There wasn’t much left but the tail and one fin.”<br> +<br> +“Well!” ejaculated Thaddeus, “I call that a pretty +cool proceeding. Did you give her a talking to?”<br> +<br> +“No,” Bessie replied, shortly; “I despise a domestic +fuss, so I pretended I’d gone down to talk about breakfast. +We’ll have breakfast an hour or two earlier to-morrow, dear.”<br> +<br> +“What’s that for?” queried Thaddeus, his eyes open +wide with astonishment. “You are not going shopping, are +you?”<br> +<br> +“No, Teddy, I’m not; but when I got downstairs and realized +that Ellen had made the natural mistake of supposing the fish was for +the down-stairs dinner, this being Friday, I had to think of something +to say, and nothing would come except that we wanted breakfast at seven +instead of at eight. It doesn’t do to have servants suspect +you of spying upon them, nor is it wise ever to appear flustered - so +mamma says - in their presence. I avoided both by making Ellen +believe I’d come down to order an early breakfast.”<br> +<br> +“You are a great Bessie,” said Thaddeus, with a laugh. +“I admire you more than ever, my dear, and to prove it I’d +get up to breakfast if you’d ordered it at 1 A.M.”<br> +<br> +“You’d be more likely to stay up to it,” said Bessie, +“and then go to bed after it.”<br> +<br> +“There’s your Napoleonic mind again,” said Thaddeus. +“I should never have thought of that way out of it. But, +Bess,” he continued, “when I was praising to-night’s +dinner I had a special object in view. I think Ellen cooks well +enough now to warrant us in giving a dinner, don’t you?”<br> +<br> +“Well, it all depends on what we have for dinner,” said +Bessie. “Ellen’s biscuits are atrocious, I think, +and you know how lumpy the oatmeal always is.”<br> +<br> +“Suppose we try giving a dinner with the oatmeal and biscuit courses +left out?” suggested Thaddeus, with a grin.<br> +<br> +Bessie’s eyes twinkled. “You make very bright after-dinner +speeches, Teddy,” she said. “I don’t see why +we can’t have a dinner with nothing but pretty china, your sparkling +conversation, and a few flowers strewn about. It would be particularly +satisfactory to me.”<br> +<br> +“They’re not all angels like you, my dear,” Thaddeus +returned. “There’s Bradley, for instance. He’d +die of starvation before we got to the second course in a dinner of +that kind, and if there is any one thing that can cast a gloom over +a dinner, it is to have one of the guests die of starvation right in +the middle of it.”<br> +<br> +“Mr. Bradley would never do so ungentlemanly a thing,” said +Bessie, laughing heartily. “He is too considerate a man +for that; he’d starve in silence and without ostentation.”<br> +<br> +“Why this sudden access of confidence in Bradley?” queried +Thaddeus. “I thought you didn’t like him?”<br> +<br> +“Neither I did, until that Sunday he spent with us,” Bessie +answered. “I’ve admired him intensely ever since. +Don’t you remember, we had lemon pie for dinner - one I made myself?”<br> +<br> +“Yes, I remember,” said Thaddeus; “but I fail to see +the connection between lemon pie and Bradley. Bradley is not sour +or crusty.”<br> +<br> +“You wouldn’t have failed to see if you’d watched +Mr. Bradley at dinner,” retorted Bessie. “He ate two +pieces of it.”<br> +<br> +“And just because a man eats two pieces of lemon pie prepared +by your own fair hands you whirl about, and, from utterly disliking +him, call him, upon the whole, one of the most admirable products of +the human race?” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“Not at all,” Bessie replied, with a broad smile; “but +I did admire the spirit and politeness of the man. On our way +home from church in the morning we were talking about the good times +children have on their little picnics, and Mr. Bradley said he never +enjoyed a picnic in his life, because every one he had ever gone to +was ruined by the baleful influence of lemon pie.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus laughed. “Then he didn’t like lemon pie?” +he asked.<br> +<br> +“No, he hated it,” said Bessie, joining in the laugh. +“He added that the original receipt for it came out of Pandora’s +box.”<br> +<br> +“Poor Bradley!” cried Thaddeus, throwing his head back in +a paroxysm of mirth. “Hated pie - declared his feelings +- and then to be confronted by it at dinner.”<br> +<br> +“He behaved nobly,” said Bessie. “Ate his first +piece like a man, and then called for a second, like a hero, when you +remarked that it was of my make.”<br> +<br> +“You ought to have told him it wasn’t necessary, Bess,” +said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“I felt that way myself at first,” Bessie explained; “but +then I thought I wouldn’t let him know I remembered what he had +said.”<br> +<br> +“I fancy that was better,” said Thaddeus. “But +about that dinner. What do you say to our inviting the Bradleys, +Mr. and Mrs. Phillips, the Robinsons, and the Twinings?”<br> +<br> +“How many does that make? Eight besides ourselves?” +asked Bessie, counting upon her fingers.<br> +<br> +“Yes - ten altogether,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“It can’t be done, dear,” said Bessie. “We +have only eight fruit plates.”<br> +<br> +“Can’t you and I go without fruit?” Thaddeus asked.<br> +<br> +“Not very well,” laughed Bessie. “It would never +do.”<br> +<br> +“They might think the fruit was poisoned if we did, eh?” +suggested Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“Besides, Mary never could serve dinner for ten; eight is her +number. Last time we had ten people, don’t you remember, +she dropped a tray full of dishes, and poured the claret into the champagne +glasses?”<br> +<br> +“Oh, yes, so she did,” said Thaddeus. “That’s +how we came to have only eight fruit plates. I remember. +I don’t think it was the number of people at the table, though. +It was Twining caused the trouble, he had just made the pleasant remark +that he wouldn’t have an Irish servant in his house, when Mary +fired the salute.”<br> +<br> +“Then that settles it,” said Bessie. “We’ll +cut the Twinings out, and ask the others. I don’t care much +for Mrs. Twining, anyhow; she’s nothing but clothes and fidgets.”<br> +<br> +“And Twining doesn’t do much but ask you what you think +of certain things, and then tell you you are all wrong when he finds +out,” said Thaddeus. “Yes, it’s just as well +to cut them off this time. We’ll make it for eight, and +have it a week from Thursday night.”<br> +<br> +“That’s Mary’s night off,” said Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Then how about having it Friday?”<br> +<br> +“That’s Maggie’s night off, and there won’t +be anybody to mind the baby.”<br> +<br> +“Humph!” said Thaddeus. “I wish there were a +baby safe-deposit company somewhere. Can’t your mother come +over and look after him?”<br> +<br> +“No,” said Bessie, “she can’t. The child +always develops something every time mother comes. Not, of course, +that I believe she gives it to him, but she looks for things, don’t +you know.”<br> +<br> +“Yes,” said Thaddeus, “I know. Then make it +Wednesday. That’s my busy day down-town, and I shan’t +be able to get home much before half-past six, but if dinner is at seven, +there will be time enough for me to dress.”<br> +<br> +“Very well,” said Bessie. “I will write the +invitations to-morrow, and, meanwhile, you and I can get up the menu.”<br> +<br> +“Oysters to begin with, of course,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“I suppose so,” said Bessie, “though, you remember, +the last time we had oysters you had to open them, because the man from +the market didn’t get here until half-past seven.”<br> +<br> +“And Ellen had never opened any except with a tack-hammer,” +said Thaddeus. “Yes, I remember. But lightning never +strikes twice in the same place. Put down the oysters. Then +we’ll have some kind of a purée - celery purée, +eh?”<br> +<br> +“That will be very good if Ellen can be induced to keep it thick.”<br> +<br> +“Perhaps we’d better tell her we want a celery consommé,” +suggested Thaddeus. “Then it will be sure to be as thick +as a dictionary.”<br> +<br> +“I guess it will be all right,” said Bessie. “What +kind of fish?”<br> +<br> +“Bradley likes salmon; Robinson likes sole; Phillips likes whitebait, +and so do I.”<br> +<br> +“We’ll have whitebait,” said Bessie, simply. +“Then a saddle of mutton?”<br> +<br> +“Yes, and an entrée of some kind, and next individual ruddy +ducks.”<br> +<br> +“No Roman punch?”<br> +<br> +“We can get along without that, I think,” said Thaddeus. +“We want to keep this dinner down to Mary’s comprehension, +and I’m afraid she wouldn’t know what to make of an ice +in the middle of the dinner. The chances are she’d want +to serve it hot.”<br> +<br> +“All right, Teddy. What next?”<br> +<br> +“I would suggest a lemon pie for Bradley,” smiled Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“What do you say to Ellen’s making one of her tipsy-cakes?” +suggested Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Just the thing,” said Thaddeus, smacking his lips with +enthusiasm. “I could eat a million of ‘em. Then +we can finish up with coffee and fruit.”<br> +<br> +So it was settled. The invitations were sent out, and Bessie devoted +her energies for the next ten days to making ready.<br> +<br> +Ellen’s culinary powers were tested at every meal. For dinner +one night she was requested to prepare the purée, which turned +out to be eminently satisfactory. Thaddeus gave her a few practical +lessons in the art of opening oysters, an art of which he had become +a master in his college days - in fact, if his own words were to be +believed, it was the sole accomplishment he had there acquired which +gave any significance whatever to his degree of B. A. - so that in case +the “fish gentleman” failed to appear in time nothing disastrous +might result. Other things out the menu were also ordered at various +times, and all went so well that when Thaddeus left home on the chosen +Wednesday morning, it was with a serene sense of good times ahead. +The invited guests had accepted, and everything was promising.<br> +<br> +As Thaddeus had said, Wednesday was his busy day, and never had it been +busier than upon this occasion. Everything moved smoothly, but +there was a great deal to move, and finally, when all was done, and +Thaddeus rose to leave his desk, it was nearly six o’clock, and +quite impossible for him to reach home before seven. “I +shall be late,” he said, as he hurried off; and he was right. +He arrived at home coincidently with his guests, rushed to his room, +and dressed. But one glimpse had he of Bessie, and that was as +they passed on the stairs, she hurrying down to receive her guests, +he hurrying up to change his clothes.<br> +<br> +“Oh, Thad!” was all she said, but to Thaddeus it was disconcerting.<br> +<br> +“What is the matter, dear?” he asked.<br> +<br> +“Nothing; I’ll tell you later. Hurry,” she gasped, +“or the dinner will be spoiled.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus hurried as he never hurried before, and in fifteen minutes +walked, immaculate as to attire, into the drawing-room, where Bessie, +her color heightened to an unusual degree, and her usually bright eyes +fairly flaming with an unwonted brilliance, was entertaining the Bradleys, +the Phillipses, and the Robinsons.<br> +<br> +“Didn’t expect me, did you?” said Thaddeus, as he +entered the room.<br> +<br> +“No,” said Bradley, dryly. “This is an unexpected +pleasure. I didn’t even know you were a friend of the family.”<br> +<br> +“Well, I am,” said Thaddeus. “One of the oldest +friends I’ve got, in fact, which is my sole excuse for keeping +you waiting. Old friends are privileged - eh, Mrs. Robinson?”<br> +<br> +“Dinner is served,” came a deep bass voice from the middle +of the doorway.<br> +<br> +Thaddeus jumped as if he had seen a ghost, and, turning to see what +could have caused the strange metamorphosis in the soprano tremolo of +Mary’s voice, was astonished to observe in the parting of the +portières not the more or less portly Mary, but a huge, burly, +English-looking man, bowing in a most effective and graceful fashion +to Mrs. Bradley, and then straightening himself up into a pose as rigid +and uncompromising as that of a marble statue.<br> +<br> +“What on earth - ” began Thaddeus, with a startled look +of inquiry at Bessie. But she only shook her head, and put her +finger to her lips, enjoining silence, which Thaddeus, fortunately, +had the good sense to understand, even if his mind was not equal to +the fathoming of that other mystery, the pompous and totally unexpected +butler.<br> +<br> +But if Thaddeus was surprised to see the butler, he was amazed at the +dinner which the butler served. Surely, he thought, if Ellen can +prepare a dinner like this, she ought to be above taking sixteen dollars +and a home a month. It was simply a regal repast. The oysters +were delicious, and the purée was superior to anything Thaddeus +had ever eaten in the line of soups in his life - only it was lobster +purée, and ten times better than Ellen’s general run of +celery purée. He winked his eye to denote his extreme satisfaction +to Bessie when he thought no one was looking, but was overwhelmed with +mortification when he observed that the wink had been seen by the overpowering +butler, who looked sternly at him, as much as to say, “’Ow +wery wulgar!”<br> +<br> +“I must congratulate your cook upon her lobster purée, +Mrs. Perkins,” said Mr. Phillips. “It is delicious.”<br> +<br> +“Yes,” put in Thaddeus. “But you ought to taste +her celery purée. She is undoubtedly great on purées.”<br> +<br> +Bessie coughed slightly and shook her head at Thaddeus, and Thaddeus +thought he detected the germ of a smile upon the cold face of the butler. +He was not sure about it, but it curdled his blood just a little, because +that ghost of a smile seemed to have just a tinge of a sneer in it.<br> +<br> +“This isn’t the same cook you had last time, is it?” +asked Bradley.<br> +<br> +“Yes,” said Thaddeus. “Same one, though it was +my wife who made that lem- ”<br> +<br> +“Thaddeus,” interrupted Bessie, “Mrs. Robinson tells +me that she and Mr. Robinson are going down to New York to the theatre +on Friday night. Can’t we all go?”<br> +<br> +“Certainly,” said Thaddeus. “I’m in on +any little diversion of that sort. Why, what’s this? - er +- why, yes, of course. Phillips, you’ll go; and you, too, +eh, Bradley?”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus was evidently much upset again; for, instead of the whitebait +he and Bessie had decided upon for their fish course, the butler had +entered, bearing in a toplofty fashion a huge silver platter, upon which +lay a superb salmon, beautifully cooked and garnished. This he +was now holding before Thaddeus, and stood awaiting his nod of approval +before serving it. Inasmuch as Thaddeus not only expected whitebait, +but had also never before seen the silver platter, it is hardly surprising +that he should sit staring at the fish in a puzzled sort of way. +He recovered shortly, however, gave the nod the butler was waiting for, +and the dinner proceeded. And what a dinner it was! Each +new course in turn amazed Thaddeus far more than the course that had +preceded it; and now, when the butler, whom Thaddeus had got more or +less used to, came in bearing a bottle of wine, followed by another +stolid, well-dressed person, who might have been his twin-brother and +who was in reality no more than assistant to the other, Thaddeus began +to fear that the wine he had partaken of had brought about that duplication +of sight which is said to be one of the symptoms of over-indulgence. +Either that or he was dreaming, he thought; and the alternative was +not a pleasant one, for Thaddeus did not over-indulge, and as a person +of intellect he did not deem it the proper thing to dream at the dinner-table, +since the first requisite of dreaming is falling asleep. This +Thaddeus never did in polite society.<br> +<br> +To say that he could scarcely contain himself for curiosity to know +what had occurred to bring about this singular condition of affairs +is to put it with a mildness which justice to Thaddeus compels me to +term criminal. Yet, to his credit be it said, that through the +whole of the repast, which lasted for two hours, he kept silent, and +but for a slight nervousness of manner no one would have suspected that +he was not as he had always been. Indeed, to none of the party, +not even excepting his wife, did Thaddeus appear to be anything but +what he should be. But when, finally, the ladies had withdrawn +and the men remained over the coffee and cigars, he was compelled to +undergo a still severer test upon his loyalty to Bessie, whose signal +to him to accept all and say nothing he was so nobly obeying.<br> +<br> +Bradley began it. “I didn’t know you’d changed +from women to men servants, Perkins?”<br> +<br> +“<i>Yes,</i>”<i> </i>said Thaddeus “we’ve changed.”<br> +<br> +“Rather good change, don’t you think?”<br> +<br> +“Splendid,” said Phillips. “That fellow served +the dinner like a prince.”<br> +<br> +“I don’t believe he’s any more than a duke, though,” +said Bradley. “His manner was quite ducal - in fact, too +ducal, if Perkins will let me criticise. He made me feel like +a poor, miserable, red-blooded son of the people. I wanted an +olive, and, by Jove, I didn’t dare ask for it.”<br> +<br> +“That wasn’t his fault,” said Robinson, with a laugh. +“You forget that you live in a country where red blood is as good +as blue. Where did you get him, Thaddeus?”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus looked like a rat in a corner with a row of cats to the fore.<br> +<br> +“Oh! - we - er - we got him from - dear me! I never can +remember. Mrs. Perkins can tell you, though,” he stammered. +“She looks after the menagerie.”<br> +<br> +“What’s his name?” asked Phillips.<br> +<br> +Thaddeus’s mind was a blank. He could not for the life of +him think what name a butler would be likely to have, but in a moment +he summoned up nerve enough to speak.<br> +<br> +“Grimmins,” he said, desperately.<br> +<br> +“Sounds like a Dickens’ character,” said Robinson. +“Does he cost you very<br> +<br> +“Oh no - not so very much,” said Thaddeus, whose case was +now so desperate that he resolved to put a stop to it all. Unfortunately, +his method of doing so was not by telling the truth, but by a flight +of fancy in which he felt he owed it to Bessie to indulge.<br> +<br> +“No - he doesn’t cost much,” he repeated, boldly. +“Fact is, he is a man we’ve known for a great many years. +He - er - he used to be butler in my grandfather’s house in Philadelphia, +and - er - and I was there a great deal of the time as a boy, and Grimmins +and I were great friends. When my grandfather died Grimmins disappeared, +and until last month I never heard a word of him, and then he wrote +to me stating that he was out of work and poor as a fifty-cent table-d’hôte +dinner, and would like employment at nominal wages if he could get a +home with it. We were just getting rid of our waitress, and so +I offered Grimmins thirty a month, board, lodging, and clothes. +He came on; I gave him one of my old dress-suits, set him to work, and +there you are.”<br> +<br> +“I thought you said a minute ago Mrs. Perkins got him?” +said Bradley, who is one of those disagreeable men with a memory.<br> +<br> +“I thought you were talking about the cook,” said Thaddeus, +uneasily. “Weren’t you talking about the cook?”<br> +<br> +“No; but we ought to have been,” said Phillips, with enthusiasm. +“She’s the queen of cooks. What do you pay her?”<br> +<br> +“Sixteen,” said Thaddeus, glad to get back on the solid +ground of truth once more.<br> +<br> +“What?” cried Phillips. “Sixteen, and can cook +like that? Take me down and introduce me, will you, Perkins? +I’d like to offer her seventeen to come and cook for me.”<br> +<br> +“Let’s join the ladies,” said Thaddeus, abruptly. +“There’s no use of our wasting our sweetness upon each other.”<br> +<br> +If the head of the house had expected to be relieved from his unfortunate +embarrassments by joining the ladies, he was doomed to bitter disappointment, +for the conversation abandoned at the table was resumed in the drawing-room. +The dinner had been too much of a success to be forgotten readily.<br> +<br> +Thaddeus’s troubles were set going again when he overheard Phillips +saying to Bessie, “Thaddeus has been telling us the remarkable +story of Grimmins.”<br> +<br> +Nor were his woes lightened any when he caught Bessie’s reply: +“Indeed? What story is that?”<br> +<br> +“Why, the story of the butler - Grimmins, you know. How +you came to get him, and all that,” said Phillips. “Really, +you are to be congratulated.”<br> +<br> +“I am glad to know you feel that way,” said Bessie, simply, +with a glance at Thaddeus which was full of wonderment.<br> +<br> +“He is a treasure,” said Bradley; “but your cook is +a whole chestful of treasures. And how fortunate you and Thaddeus +are! The idea of there being anywhere in the world a person of +such ability in her vocation, and so poor a notion of her worth!”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus breathed again, now that the cook was under discussion. +He knew all about her.<br> +<br> +“Yes, indeed,” said Bessie. “He did well.”<br> +<br> +“I mean the cook,” returned Bradley. “You mean +she did well, don’t you?”<br> +<br> +What Bessie would have answered, or what Thaddeus would have done next +if the conversation had been continued, can be a matter of unprofitable +speculation only, for at this point a wail from above-stairs showed +that Master Perkins had awakened, and the ladies, considerate of Bessie’s +maternal feelings, promptly rose to take their leave, and in ten minutes +she and Thaddeus were alone.<br> +<br> +“What on earth is the story of Grimmins, Thaddeus?” she +asked, as the door closed upon the departing guests.<br> +<br> +Thaddeus threw himself wearily down upon the sofa and explained. +He told her all he had said about the butler and the cook.<br> +<br> +‘That’s the story of Grimmins,” he said, when he had +finished.<br> +<br> +“Oh, dear me, dear me!” cried Bessie, “you told the +men that, and I - I, Thaddeus, told the women the truth. Why, +it’s - it’s awful. You’ll never hear the end +of it.”<br> +<br> +“Well, now that they know the truth. Bess,” Thaddeus +said, “suppose you let me into the secret. What on earth +is the meaning of all this - two butlers, silver platters, dinner fit +for the gods, and all?”<br> +<br> +“It’s all because of the tipsy-cake,” said Bessie.<br> +<br> +“The what?” asked Thaddeus, sitting up and gazing at his +wife as if he questioned her sanity.<br> +<br> +“The tipsy-cake,” she repeated. “I gave Ellen +the bottle of brandy you gave me for the tipsy-cake, and - and she drank +half of it.”<br> +<br> +“And the other half?”<br> +<br> +“Mary drank that. They got word this morning that their +brother was very ill, and it upset them so I don’t believe they +knew what they were doing; but at one o’clock, when I went down +to lunch, there was no lunch ready, and when I descended into the kitchen +to find out why, I found that the fire had gone out, and both girls +were - both girls were asleep on the cellar floor. They’re +there yet - locked in; and all through dinner I was afraid they might +come to, and - make a rumpus.”<br> +<br> +“And the dinner?” said Thaddeus, a light breaking through +into his troubled mind.<br> +<br> +“I telegraphed to New York to Partinelli at once, telling him +to serve a dinner for eight here to-night, supplying service, cook, +dinner, and everything, and at four o’clock these men arrived +and took possession. It was the only thing I could do, Thad, wasn’t +it?”<br> +<br> +“It was, Bess,” said Thaddeus, gravely. “It +was great; but - by Jove, I wish I’d known, because - Did you +really tell the ladies the truth about it?”<br> +<br> +“Yes, I did,” said Bessie. “They were so full +of praises for everything that I didn’t think it was fair for +me to take all the credit of it, so I told them the whole thing.”<br> +<br> +“That was right, too,” said Thaddeus; “but those fellows +will never let me hear the end of that infernal Grimmins story. +I almost wish we - ”<br> +<br> +“You wish what, Teddy dear?”<br> +<br> +“I almost wish we had not attempted the tipsy-cake, and had stuck +to my original suggestion,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“What was that?” Bessie asked.<br> +<br> +“To have lemon pie for dessert, for Bradley’s sake,” +answered Thaddeus, as he locked the front door and turned off the gas.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +AN OBJECT-LESSON<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +It was early in the autumn. Mr. and Mrs. Perkins, with their two +hopefuls, had returned from a month of rest at the mountains, and the +question of school for Thaddeus junior came up.<br> +<br> +“He is nearly six years old,” said Bessie, “and I +think he is quite intelligent enough to go to school, don’t you?”<br> +<br> +“Well, if you want my honest opinion,” Thaddeus answered, +“I think he’s intelligent enough to go without school for +another year at least. I don’t want a hot-house boy, and +I have always been opposed to forcing these little minds that we are +called upon by circumstances to direct. It seems to me that the +thing for us to do is to hold them back, if anything. If Teddy +goes to school now, he’ll be ready for college when he is twelve. +He’ll be graduated at sixteen, and at twenty he’ll be practising +law. At twenty-five he’ll be leader of the bar; and then +- what will there be left for him to achieve at fifty? Absolutely +nothing.”<br> +<br> +Mrs. Perkins laughed. “You have great hopes for Teddy, haven’t +you?”<br> +<br> +“Certainly I have,” Thaddeus replied; “and why shouldn’t +I? Doesn’t he combine all my good qualities plus yours? +How can he be anything else than great?”<br> +<br> +“I am afraid there’s a touch of vanity in you,” said +Mrs. Perkins, with a smile. “That remark certainly indicates +it.”<br> +<br> +“No - it’s not vanity in me,” said Thaddeus. +“It’s confidence in you. You’ve assured me so +often of my perfection that I am beginning to believe in it; and as +for your perfection, I’ve always believed in it. Hence, +when I see Teddy combining your perfect qualities with my own, I regard +him as a supernaturally promising person - that is, I do until he begins +to show the influence of contact with the hired man, and uses language +which he never got from you or from me.”<br> +<br> +“Granting that he is great at twenty-five,” said Mrs. Perkins, +after a few moments’ reflection, “is that such a horrible +thing?”<br> +<br> +“It isn’t for the parents of the successful youth, but for +the successful youth himself it’s something awful,” returned +Thaddeus, with a convincing shake of the head. “If no one +ever lived beyond the age of thirty-five it wouldn’t be so bad, +but think of living to be even so young as sixty, with a big reputation +to sustain through more than half of that period! I wouldn’t +want to have to sustain a big name for twenty-five years. Success +entails conspicuousness, and conspicuousness makes error almost a crime. +Put your mind on it for a moment. Think of Teddy here. How +nervous it would make him in everything he undertook to feel that the +eyes of the world were upon him. And take into consideration that +other peculiarity of human nature which leads us all, you and me as +well as every one else, to believe that the man who does not progress +is going backward, that there is no such thing as standing still; then +think of a man illustrious enough for seventy at twenty-five - at the +limit of success, with all those years before him, and no progress possible! +No, my dear. Don’t let’s talk of school for Teddy +yet.”<br> +<br> +“I am sure I don’t want to force him,” said Mrs. Perkins, +“but it sometimes seems to me that he needs lessons in discipline. +I can’t be following around after him all the time, and it seems +to me some days that I do nothing but find fault with him. I don’t +want him to think I’m a stern mother; and when he tells me, as +he did yesterday, that he wishes I’d take a vacation for a month, +I can’t blame him.”<br> +<br> +“Did he tell you that?” asked Thaddeus, with a chuckle.<br> +<br> +“Yes, he did,” replied Mrs. Perkins. “I’d +kept him in a chair for an hour because he would tease Tommy, and when +finally I let him go I told him that he was wearing me out with his +naughtiness. About an hour later he came back and said, ‘You +have an awful hard time bringin’ me up, don’t you?’<i> +</i>I said yes, and added that he might spare me the necessity of scolding +him so often, to which he replied that he’d try, but thought it +would be better if I’d take a vacation for a month. He hadn’t +much hope for his own improvement.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus shook internally.<br> +<br> +“He’s perfectly wild, too, at times,” Mrs. Perkins +continued. “He wants to do such fearful things. I +caught him sliding down the banisters yesterday head-foremost, and you +know how he was at the Mountain House all summer long. Perfectly +irrepressible.”<br> +<br> +“That’s very true,” said Thaddeus. “I +was speaking of it to the doctor up there, and asked him what he thought +I’d better do.”<br> +<br> +“And what did he say?” asked Mrs. Perkins.<br> +<br> +“He stated his firm belief that there was nothing you or I could +do to get him down to a basis, but thought Hagenbeck might accomplish +something.”<br> +<br> +“No doubt he thought that,” cried Bessie. “No +doubt everybody thought that, but it wasn’t entirely Teddy’s +fault. If there is anything in the world that is well calculated +to demoralize an active-minded, able-bodied child, it is hotel life. +Teddy was egged on to all sorts of indiscretions by everybody in the +hotel, from the bell-boys up. If he’d stand on his head +on the cashier’s desk, the casher would laugh first, and then, +to get rid of him, would suggest that he go into the dinning-room and +play with the headwaiter; and when he upset the contents of his bait-box +in Mrs. Harkaway’s lap, she interfered when I scolded him, and +said she liked it. What can you do when people talk that way?”<br> +<br> +“Get him to upset his bait-box in her lap again,” said Thaddeus. +“I think if he had been encouraged to do that as a regular thing, +every morning for a week, she’d have changed her tune.”<br> +<br> +“Well, it all goes to prove one thing,” said Mrs. Perkins, +“and that is, Teddy needs more care than we can give him personally. +We are too lenient. Whenever you start in to punish him it ends +up with a game; when I do it, and he says something funny, as he always +does, I have to laugh.”<br> +<br> +“How about the ounce-of-prevention idea?” suggested Thaddeus. +“We’ve let him go without a nurse for a year now - why can’t +we employ a maid to look after him - not to boss him, but to keep an +eye on him - to advise him, and, in case he declines to accept the advice, +to communicate with us at once? All he needs is directed occupation. +As he is at present, he directs his own occupation, with the result +that the things he does are of an impossible sort.”<br> +<br> +“That means another servant for me to manage,” sighed Mrs. +Perkins.<br> +<br> +“True; but a servant is easier to manage than Teddy. You +can discharge a servant if she becomes impossible. We’ve +got Teddy for keeps,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“Very well - so be it,” said Mrs. Perkins. “You +are right, I guess, about school. He ought not to be forced, and +I’d be worried about him all the time he was away, anyhow.”<br> +<br> +So it was decided that Teddy should have a nurse, and for a day or two +the subject was dropped. Later on Mrs. Perkins reopened it.<br> +<br> +“I’ve been thinking all day about Teddy’s nurse, Thaddeus,” +she said, one evening after dinner. “I think it would be +nice if we got him a French nurse. Then he could learn French +without any forcing.”<br> +<br> +“Good scheme,” said Thaddeus. “I approve of +that. We might learn a little French from her ourselves, too.”<br> +<br> +“That’s what I thought,” said Bessie and that point +was decided. The new nurse was to be French, and the happy parents +drew beatific visions of the ease with which they should some day cope +with Parisian hotel-keepers and others in that longed-for period when +they should find themselves able, financially, to visit the French capital.<br> +<br> +But -<br> +<br> +Ah! Those buts that come into our lives! Conjunctions they +are called! Are they not rather terminals? Are they not +the forerunners of chaos in the best-laid plans of mankind? If +for every “but” that destroys our plan of action there were +ready always some better-succeeding plan, then might their conjunctive +force seem more potent; as life goes, however, unhappily, they are not +always so provided, and the English “but” takes on its Gallic +significance, which leads the Frenchman to define it as meaning “the +end.”<br> +<br> +There was an object-lesson in store for the Perkinses.<br> +<br> +On the Sunday following the discussion with which this story opens, +the Perkinses, always hospitable, though distinctly unsociable so far +as the returning of visits went, received a visit from their friends +the Bradleys. Ordinarily a visit from one’s town friends +is no very great undertaking for a suburban host or hostess, but when +the town friends have children from whom they are inseparable, and those +children have nurses who, whithersoever the children go, go there also, +such a visit takes on proportions the stupendousness of which I, being +myself a suburban entertainer, would prefer not to discuss, fearing +lest some of my friends with families, recalling these words, might +consider my remarks of a personal nature. Let me be content with +saying, therefore, that when the Bradleys, Mr. and Mrs., plus Master +and Miss, plus Harriet, the English nurse, came to visit the Perkins +homestead that Sunday, it was a momentous occasion for the host and +hostess, and, furthermore, like many another momentous occasion, was +far-reaching in its results.<br> +<br> +In short, it provided the Perkins family with that object-lesson to +which I have already alluded.<br> +<br> +The Bradleys arrived on Sunday night, and as they came late little Harry +Bradley and the still smaller Jennie Bradley were tired, and hence not +at all responsive to the welcomes of the Perkinses, large or small. +They were excessively reticent. When Mrs. Perkins, kneeling before +Master Harry, asked him the wholly unnecessary question, “Why, +is this Harry?” he refused wholly to reply; nor could the diminutive +Jennie be induced to say anything but “Yumps” in response +to a similar question put to her, “Yumps” being, it is to +be presumed, a juvenilism for “Yes, ma’am.” +Hence it was that the object-lesson did not begin to develop until breakfast +on Sunday morning. The first step in the lesson was taken at that +important meal, when Master Harry observed, in stentorian yet sweetly +soprano tones:<br> +<br> +“Hi wants a glarse o’ milk.”<br> +<br> +To which his nurse, standing behind his chair to relieve the Perkinses’ +maid of the necessity of looking after the Bradley hopefuls, replied:<br> +<br> +“’Ush, ‘Arry, ‘ush! Wite till yer arsked.”<br> +<br> +Mrs. Bradley nodded approval to Harriet, and observed quietly to Mrs. +Perkins that Harriet was such a treasure; she kept the children so well +in subjection.<br> +<br> +The incident passed without making any impression upon the minds of +any but Thaddeus junior, who, taking his cue from Harry, vociferously +asserted that he, too, wished a glass of milk, and in such terms as +made the assertion tantamount to an ultimatum.<br> +<br> +Then Miss Jennie seemed to think it was her turn.<br> +<br> +“Hi doan’t care fer stike. Hi wants chickin,” +said she. “I’n’t there goin’ ter be no +kikes?”<br> +<br> +Mrs. Perkins laughed, though I strongly suspect that Thaddeus junior +would have been sent from the table had he ventured to express a similar +sentiment. Mrs. Bradley blushed; Bradley looked severe; Perkins +had that expression which all parents have when other people’s +children are involved, and which implies the thought, “If you +were mine there’d be trouble; but since you are not mine, how +cunning you are!” But Harriet, the nurse, met the problem. +She said:<br> +<br> +“Popper’s goin’ ter have stike, Jinnie; m’yby +Mr. Perkins’ll give yer lots o’ gryvy. Hit i’n’t +time fer the kikes.”<br> +<br> +Perhaps I ought to say to those who have not studied dialect as “she +is spoke” that the word m’yby is the Seven Dials idiom for +maybe, itself more or less an Americanism, signifying “perhaps,” +while “kikes” is a controvertible term for cakes.<br> +<br> +After breakfast, as a matter of course, the senior members of both families +attended divine service, then came dinner, and after dinner the usual +matching of the children began. The hopefuls of Perkins were matched +against the scions of Bradley. All four were brought downstairs +and into the parental presence in the library.<br> +<br> +“Your Harry is a fine fellow, Mrs. Bradley,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“Yes, we think Harry is a very nice boy,” returned Mrs. +Bradley, with a fond glance at the youth.<br> +<br> +“Wot djer si about me, mar?” asked Harry.<br> +<br> +“Nothing, dear,” replied Mrs. Bradley, rinsing her eyebrows +reprovingly.<br> +<br> +“Yes, yer did, too,” retorted Harry. “Yer said +as ‘ow hi were a good boy.”<br> +<br> +“Well, ‘e i’n’t, then,” interjected Jennie. +“‘E’s a bloomin’ mean un. ‘E took +a knoife an’ cut open me doll.”<br> +<br> +“’Ush, Jinnie, ’ush!” put in the nurse. +“Don’t yer tell tiles on ’Arry. ‘E didn’t +mean ter ’urt yer doll. ’Twas a haxident.”<br> +<br> +“No, ’twasn’t a haxident,” said Jennie. +“’E done it a-purpice.”<br> +<br> +“Well, wot if hi did?” retorted Harry. “Didn’t +yer pull the tile off me rockin’-’orse?”<br> +<br> +“Well, never mind,” said Bradley, seeing how strained things +were getting. “Don’t quarrel about it now. It’s +all done and gone, and I dare say you were both a little to blame.”<br> +<br> +“’Hi war’n’t!” said Harry, and then the +subject was dropped. The children romped in and out through the +library and halls for some time, and the Bradleys and Perkinses compared +notes on various points of interest to both. After a while they +again reverted to the subject of their children.<br> +<br> +“Does Harry go to school?” asked Bessie.<br> +<br> +“No, we think he’s too young yet,” returned Mrs. Bradley. +“He learns a little of something every day from Harriet, who is +really a very superior girl. She is a good servant. She +hasn’t been in this country very long, and is English to the core, +as you’ve probably noticed, not only in her way of comporting +herself, but in her accent.”<br> +<br> +“Yes, I’ve observed it,” said Bessie. “What +does she teach him?”<br> +<br> +“Oh, she tells him stories that are more or less instructive, +and she reads to him. She’s taught him one or two pretty +little songs - ballads, you know - too. Harry has a sweet little +voice. Harry, dear, won’t you sing that song about Mrs. +Henry Hawkins for mamma?”<br> +<br> +“Don’t warn’ter,” said Harry. “Hi’m +sick o’ that bloomin’ old song.”<br> +<br> +“Seems to me I’ve heard it,” said Thaddeus. +“As I remember it, Harry, it was very pretty.”<br> +<br> +“It is,” said Bradley. “It’s the one you +mean - ‘Oh, ’Lizer! dear ’Lizer! Mrs. ’Ennery +’Awkins.’ Harry sings it well, too; but I say, Thad, +you ought to hear the nurse sing it. It’s great.”<br> +<br> +“I should think it might be.”<br> +<br> +“She has the accent down fine, you know.”<br> +<br> +“Sort of born to it, eh?”<br> +<br> +“Yes; you can’t cultivate that accent and get it just right.”<br> +<br> +“I’ll do ‘Dear Old Dutch’ for yer,” suggested +Harry. “Hi likes thet better ‘n ‘Mrs. ‘Awkins.’”<br> +<br> +So Harry deserted “Mrs. ’Awkins” and sang that other +pathetic coster-ballad, “Dear Old Dutch,” and, to the credit +of Harriet, the nurse, it must be said that he was marvellously well +instructed. It could not have been done better had the small vocalist +been the own son of a London coster-monger instead of the scion of an +American family of refinement.<br> +<br> +Thus the day passed. Jennie proved herself quite as proficient +in the dialect of Seven Dials as was Harry, or even Harriet, and when +she consented to stand on a chair and recite a few nursery rhymes, there +was not an unnoticed “h” that she did not, sooner or later, +pick up and attach to some other word to which it was not related, as +she went along.<br> +<br> +In short, as far as their speech was concerned, thanks to association +with Harriet, Jennie and Harry were as perfect little cockneys as ever +ignored an aspirate.<br> +<br> +The visit of the Bradleys, like all other things, came to an end, and +Bessie, Thaddeus, and the children were once more left to themselves. +Teddy junior, it was observed, after his day with Harry, developed a +slight tendency to misplace the letter “h” in his conversation, +but it was soon corrected, and things ran smoothly as of yore. +Only - the Only being the natural sequence of the But referred to some +time since - Mr. and Mrs. Perkins changed their minds about the French +nurse, and it came about in this way<br> +<br> +“Thaddeus,” said Bessie, after the Bradleys had departed, +“what is the tile of a rockin’-’orse?”<br> +<br> +“I don’t know. Why?” asked Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“Why, don’t you remember,” she said, “young +Harry Bradley accused Jennie of pulling out the tile of his rockin’-’orse?”<br> +<br> +“Oh yes! Ha, ha!” laughed Thaddeus. “So +she did. I know now. Tile is cockney for tail.”<br> +<br> +“Did you notice the accent those children had?”<br> +<br> +“Yes.”<br> +<br> +“All got from the nurse, too?”<br> +<br> +“True.”<br> +<br> +“Ah, Teddy, what do you think of our getting a French maid, after +all? Don’t you think that we’d run a great risk?”<br> +<br> +“Of what?”<br> +<br> +“Of having Ted speak - er - cockney French.”<br> +<br> +“H’m - yes. Very likely,” said Thaddeus. +“I’d thought of that myself, and, I guess, perhaps we’d +better stick to Irish.”<br> +<br> +“So do I. We can correct any tendency to a brogue, don’t +you think?”<br> +<br> +“Certainly,” said Thaddeus. “Or, if we couldn’t, +it wouldn’t be fatal to the boy’s prospects. It might +even help him if he - ”<br> +<br> +“Help him? If what?”<br> +<br> +“If he ever went into polities,” said Perkins.<br> +<br> +And that was the object-lesson which a kindly fate gave to the Perkinses +in time to prevent their engaging a French maid for the children.<br> +<br> +As to its value as a lesson, as to the value of its results, those who +are familiar with French as spoken by nurse-instructed youths can best +judge.<br> +<br> +I am not unduly familiar with that or any other kind of French, but +I have ideas in the matter.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +THE CHRISTMAS GIFTS OF THADDEUS<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +That you may thoroughly comprehend how it happened that on last Christmas +Day Thaddeus meted out gifts of value so unprecedented to the domestics +of what he has come to call his “menagerie” - the term menage +having seemed to him totally inadequate to express the state of affairs +in his household - I must go back to the beginning of last autumn, and +narrate a few of the incidents that took place between that period and +the season of Peace on Earth and Good-will to Men. Should I not +do so there would be many, I doubt not, who would deem Thaddeus’s +course unjustifiable, especially when we are all agreed that Christmas +Day should be for all sorts and conditions of men the gladdest, happiest +day of all the year.<br> +<br> +Thaddeus and Bessie and the little Thad had returned to their attractive +home after an absence of two months in a section of the Adirondacks +whither the march of civilization had not carried such comforts as gas, +good beds, and other luxuries, to which the little family had become +so accustomed that real camp-life, with its beds of balsam, lights of +tallow, and “fried coffee,” possessed no charms for them. +They were all renewed in spirit and quite ready to embark once more +upon the troubled seas of house-keeping; and, as they saw it on that +first night at home, their crew was a most excellent one. The +cook rose almost to the exalted level of a chef in the estimation of +Thaddeus as course upon course, to the number of seven, each made up +of some delicacy of the season, came to the table and received the indorsement +which comes from total consumption. They were well served, too, +these courses; and the two heads of the family, when Mary, the waitress, +would enter the butler’s pantry, leaving them alone and unobserved, +nodded their satisfaction to each other across the snow-white cloth, +and by means of certain well-established signals, such as shaking their +own hands and winking the left eye simultaneously, with an almost vicious +jerk of the head, silently congratulated themselves upon the prospects +of a peaceful future in a domestic sense.<br> +<br> +“That was just the best dinner I have had in centuries,” +said Thaddeus, as they adjourned to the library after the meal was over. +“The broiled chicken was so good, Bess, that for a moment I wished +I were a bachelor again, so that I could have it all; and after I got +over my first feeling of hesitation over the oysters, and realized that +it was September with an R - belated, it is true, but still there - +and ate six of them, I think I could have gone downstairs and given +cook a diamond ring with seven solitaires in it and a receipted bill +for a seal-skin sacque. I don’t see how we ever could have +thought of discharging her last June, do you?”<br> +<br> +“It was a good dinner,” said Bessie, discreetly ignoring +the allusion to their intentions in June; for she had a well-defined +recollection that at that time Bridget had given signs of emotional +insanity every time she was asked to prepare a five-o’clock breakfast +for Thaddeus and his friends, to the number of six, who had acquired +the habit of going off on little shooting trips every Saturday, making +the home of Thaddeus their headquarters over Sunday, when the game the +huntsmen had bagged the day before had to be plucked, cleaned, and cooked +by her own hands for dinner. “And it was nicely selected, +too,” she added. “I sometimes think that I’ll +let Bridget do the ordering at the market.”<br> +<br> +“H’m! Well,” said Thaddeus, shaking his head +dubiously, “I haven’t a doubt that Bridget could do it, +and would be very glad to do it; but I don’t believe in setting +a cook up in business.”<br> +<br> +“How do you mean?”<br> +<br> +“I mean that I haven’t any doubt that Bridget would in a +very short time become a highly successful produce-broker with bull +tendencies. The chicken market would be buoyant, and the quotations +on the Stock Exchange of, say, B., S., and P.-U.-C. - otherwise, Beef, +Succotash, and Picked-Up-Codfish - would rise to the highest point in +years. Why, my dear, by Christmas-time cook would have our surplus +in her own pocket-book; and in the place of the customary five oranges +and an apple she would receive from the butcher a Christmas-card in +the shape of a check of massive, if not graceful, proportions. +No, Bess, I think the old way is the best.”<br> +<br> +“Perhaps it is. By-the-way, John has kept the grounds looking +well, hasn’t he? The lawn doesn’t seem to have a weed +on it,” said Bessie, walking to the window and gazing out at the +soft velvety sward in the glow of twilight.<br> +<br> +“Yes, it looks pretty well; but there’s a small heap of +stuff over there near the fence which rather inclines me to believe +that the weeds have been pulled out within the last few days - in fact, +since you wrote to announce our return. John is an energetic man +in an emergency, and I haven’t a doubt he has been here at least +once a week ever since we left. I’ll keep a record of John +this fall.”<br> +<br> +And so the two contented home-comers talked happily along, and when +they closed their eyes in sleep that night they were, upon the whole, +very well satisfied with life.<br> +<br> +Weeks elapsed, and with them some of the air-castles collapsed. +Whether custom staled the infinite variety of the cook’s virtues, +and age withered the efficiency of Mary, the waitress, or whether something +was really and radically wrong with the girls, Thaddeus and Bessie could +not make out. Certain it was, however, that by slow degrees the +satisfaction for which that first dinner seemed to stand as guarantor +wore away, and dissatisfaction entered the household. Mary developed +a fondness for church at most inconvenient hours - hours at which in +fact, neither Thaddeus nor Bessie had ever supposed church could be. +That it was eternal they both knew, but they had always supposed there +were intermissions. Then the cook’s family, which had hitherto +been moderately healthful, began to show signs of invalidism, though +no such calamity as actual dissolution ever set its devastating step +within the charmed circle of her relatives. Cousins fell ill whom +she alone could comfort; nephews developed maladies for which she alone +could care; and, according to Thaddeus’s record, John had been +compelled on penalty of a fine to attend the funerals of some twenty-four +deceased intimate friends in less than two months, although the newspapers +contained no mention of the existence of a possible epidemic in the +Celtic quarter. It is true that John showed a more pronounced +desire to make his absence less inconvenient to his employer than did +Mary and the cook, by providing a substitute when the Ancient Order +of Funereal Hibernians compelled him to desert the post of duty; but +Thaddeus declared the “remedy worse than the disease,” for +the reason that John’s substitute - his own brother-in-law - was +a weaver by trade, whose baskets the public did not appreciate, and +whose manner of cutting grass in the early fall and of tending furnace +later on was atrocious.<br> +<br> +“If I could hire that man in summer,” Thaddeus remarked +one night when John’s substitute had “fixed” the furnace +so that the library resembled a cold-storage room, “I think we +could make this house an arctic paradise. He seems to have a genius +for taking warmth by the neck and shaking enough degrees of heat out +of it to turn a conflagration into an iceberg. I think I’ll +tell the Fire Commissioners about him.”<br> +<br> +“He can’t compare with John,” was Bessie’s answer +to this.<br> +<br> +“No. I think that’s why John sends him here when he +is off riding in carriages in honor of his deceased chums. By +the side of Dennis, John is a jewel.”<br> +<br> +“John is very faithful with the furnace,” said Bessie. +“He never lets it go down. Why, day before yesterday I turned +off every register in the house, and even then had to open all the windows +to keep from suffocating.”<br> +<br> +“But that wasn’t all John, my dear,” said Thaddeus. +“The Weather Bureau had something to do with it. It was +a warm day for this season of the year, anyhow. If John could +combine the two businesses of selling coal and feeding furnaces, I think +he would become a millionaire. And, by-the-way, I think you ought +to speak to him, Bess, about the windows. Since you gave him the +work of window-cleaning to do, it is evident that he thinks I have nothing +to say in the matter, for he persistently ignores my requests that he +clean them in squares as they are made, and not rub up a little circle +in the middle, so that they look like blocks of opalescent glass with +plate-glass bulls’-eyes let into the centre. Look at them +now.”<br> +<br> +“Dennis did that. John had to go to Mount Vernon with his +militia company to-day.”<br> +<br> +“Dennis is well named, for his name is - But never mind. +I’ll credit John with his twelfth day off in four weeks.”<br> +<br> +From John to Bridget, in the matter of days off, was an easy step, though +such was Bessie’s consummate diplomacy that Thaddeus would probably +have continued in ignorance of the extent to which Bridget absented +herself had they not both taken occasion one day to visit some relatives +in Philadelphia, and on their return home at night found no dinner awaiting +them.<br> +<br> +“What’s the matter now?” asked Thaddeus, a little +crossly, perhaps, for visiting relatives in Philadelphia irritated him +- possibly because he and they did not agree in politics, and their +assumption that Thaddeus’s party was entirely made up of the ignorant +and self-seeking was galling to him. “Why isn’t dinner +ready?”<br> +<br> +“Mary says that an hour after we left cook got a telegram from +New York saying that her brother was dying, and she had to go right +off.”<br> +<br> +“I thought that brother was dying last week?”<br> +<br> +“No; that was her mother’s brother, he got well. This +is another person entirely.”<br> +<br> +“Naturally,” snapped Thaddeus. “But next time +we get a cook let’s have one whose relatives are all dead, or +in the old country, where they can’t be reached. I’m +tired of this business.”<br> +<br> +“Well, you shouldn’t be cross with me about it, Thad,” +said Bessie, with a teary look in her eyes. “I have to put +up with a great deal more of it than you have, only you never know of +it. Why, I’ve cooked one-half of my own luncheons in the +last month.”<br> +<br> +“And the dinners, too, I’ll wager,” growled Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“No; she’s always got home for dinner heretofore.”<br> +<br> +“Well, we’ll keep a record-book for her, too, then. +And we’ll be generous with her. We’ll allow her just +as I was allowed in college - twenty-five per cent. in cuts. If +she has twenty-five and a fifth per cent, she goes.”<br> +<br> +“I don’t think I understand,” said Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Well, we’ll put it this way: There are thirty days in a +month. That means ninety meals a month. If she cooks sixty-seven +and a half of them she can stay; if she fails to cook the other twenty-two +and a half she can stay; but woe be unto her if she slips up by even +so little as a millionth part of the sixty-eighth!”<br> +<br> +“I don’t see how you can marriage the half part of it.”<br> +<br> +“We’ll leave that to her,” said Thaddeus, firmly; +“and, what is more, we’ll put John and Mary on the same +basis, and Dennis we won’t have on any basis at all. A man +who will take advantage of his brother’s absence at a wake to +black the shoes of that brother’s only employer with stove-polish +is not the kind of a man I want to have around.”<br> +<br> +“It will be a very good plan,” said Bessie, “for all +except Mary. Her absences she cannot well avoid. She has +to go to church.”<br> +<br> +“How many times a week does she have to go?” queried Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“She is required to go to confession.”<br> +<br> +“Well, let her reform, and then she’ll have nothing to go +to confession for. I don’t believe that’s where she +goes, either. I notice that one-half those evenings she takes +off, permitting me to mind the front door, and enabling us both to acquire +proficiency in the art of helping ourselves at dinner, there’s +a fireman’s ball or a policeman’s hop or a letter-carriers’ +theatre party going on somewhere in the county, and it’s my belief +the worshipping she does on these occasions is at the shrine of Terpsichore +or that of Melpomene, which is a heathen custom and not to be tolerated +here. If she’s so fond of living in church we can quote +to her hamlet’s advice to Ophelia - ‘Get thee to a nunnery!’ +Why, Bess, I was mortified to death the other night when Bradley dined +here, he’s all the time bragging about his menagerie, and I tried +to bluff him out and make him believe we were waited on by angels in +disguise, and you know what happened. He came, saw, and I was +regularly knocked out. You let us in; we waited on ourselves; +cook had prepared the seven-o’clock dinner at five to give her +a chance to go to the hospital to see her brother-in-law with the measles; +John had one of his Central-African fires on, and Bradley’s laughing +about it yet.”<br> +<br> +“Mr. Bradley was very disagreeable the other night, anyhow,” +sniffed Bessie. “He acted as if he were camping out!”<br> +<br> +“Well, I can’t honestly say I blame him for that,” +retorted Thaddeus. “It only needed a balsam bed and a hole +in the roof to let the rain in on him to complete the illusion.”<br> +<br> +Finally, December came, and the tendencies of absenteeism on the part +of the servants showed no signs of abatement. They were remonstrated +with, but it made no difference. They didn’t go out, they +declared, because they wanted to, but because they had to. Cook +couldn’t let her relatives go unattended. Mary’s religious +scruples simply dragged her out of the house, try as she would to stay +in; and as for John, as long as Dennis was on hand to take his place +he couldn’t see why Mr. Perkins was dissatisfied. To tell +the truth, John had recently imbibed some more or less capitalistic +- or anticapitalistic - doctrines, and he was quite incapable of understanding +why, if a street-contractor, for instance, was permitted by the laws +of the land to sublet the work for which he had contracted, he, John, +should not be permitted to sublet his contract to Dennis, piecemeal, +or even as a whole, if he saw fit to do so.<br> +<br> +Thaddeus, seeing that Bessie was very much upset by the condition of +affairs, had said little about it since Thanksgiving Day, when he had +said about as much as the subject warranted after a six-course dinner +had been hurried through in one hour, two courses having been omitted +that Bridget might catch the train leaving for New York at 3.10. +Nor would he have said anything further than the final words of dismissal +had he not come home late one afternoon to dress for a dinner at his +club, when he discovered that, owing to the usual causes, the week’s +wash, which the combined efforts of cook and waitress should have finished +that day, was delayed twenty-four hours, the consequence being that +Thaddeus had to telephone to the haberdashery for a dress-shirt and +collar.<br> +<br> +“It’s bad enough having one’s wife buy these things +for one, but when it comes to having a salesman sell you over a telephone +the style of shirt and collar ‘he always wears himself,’ +it is maddening,” began Thaddeus, and then he went on at such +an outrageous rate that Bessie became hysterical, and Thaddeus’s +conscience would not permit of his going out at all that night, and +that was the beginning of the end.<br> +<br> +“I’ll fix ‘em at Christmas-time,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“You won’t forget them at Christmas, I hope, Thad,” +said Bessie, whose forgiving nature would not hear of anything so ungenerous +as forgetting the servants during the holidays.<br> +<br> +“No,” laughed Thaddeus. “I won’t forget +‘em. I’ll give ‘em all the very things they +like best.”<br> +<br> +“Oh, I see,” smiled Bessie. “On the coals-of-fire +principle. Well, I shouldn’t wonder but it would work admirably. +Perhaps they’ll be so ashamed they’ll do better.”<br> +<br> +“Perhaps - if the coals do not burn too deep,” said Thaddeus, +with a significant smile.<br> +<br> +Christmas Eve arrived, and little Thad’s tree was dressed, the +gifts were arranged beneath it, and all seemed in readiness for the +dawning of the festal day, when Bessie, taking a mental inventory of +the packages and discovering nothing among them for the servants save +her own usual contribution of a dress and a pair of gloves for each, +turned and said to Thaddeus:<br> +<br> +“Where are the hot coals?”<br> +<br> +“The what?” asked Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“The coals of fire for the girls and John.”<br> +<br> +“Oh!” Thaddeus replied, “I have ‘em in the library. +I don’t think they’ll go well with the tree.”<br> +<br> +“What are they?” queried Bess, with a natural show of curiosity. +“Checks?”<br> +<br> +“Yes, partly,” said Thaddeus. “Mary is to have +a check for $16, Bridget one for $18, and John one for $40.”<br> +<br> +“Why, Thaddeus, that’s extravagant. Now, my dear, +there’s no use of your doing anything of that - ”<br> +<br> +“Wait and see,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“But, Teddy!” Bessie remonstrated. “Those are +the amounts of their wages. You will spoil them, and if I - ”<br> +<br> +“As I said before, wait, Bess, wait!” said Thaddeus, calmly. +“You’ll understand the whole scheme to-morrow, after breakfast.”<br> +<br> +And she did, and when she did she almost wished for a moment that she +didn’t, for after breakfast Thaddeus summoned the three offenders +into his presence, and the effect was not altogether free from painful +features to the forgiving Bess.<br> +<br> +“Bridget,” Thaddeus said, “do you remember what Mrs. +Perkins gave you last Christmas?”<br> +<br> +“I do not!” replied Bridget, rather uncompromisingly; for +it was a matter of history that she thought Mrs. Perkins on the last +Christmas festival had shown signs of parsimony in giving her a calico +gown instead of one of silk.<br> +<br> +“Well, you won’t forget next year what you got this,” +said Thaddeus, dryly. “Here is an envelope containing $18, +the amount of your wages until January 1st. Mary, what did you +get last Christmas?”<br> +<br> +“A box of candy, sir.”<br> +<br> +“Nothing else?”<br> +<br> +“I believe there was a dress of some kind. I gave it to +my cousin.”<br> +<br> +“Good. I am glad you were so generous. Here is an +envelope for you. It has $16 in it, your wages up to January 1st.”<br> +<br> +Bessie stood in the doorway, a mute witness to what seemed to her an +incomprehensible scene.<br> +<br> +“John, what did you get?”<br> +<br> +“Five dollars an’ a day off.”<br> +<br> +“And a two-dollar bill for Dennis, eh?”<br> +<br> +“Dennis got that.”<br> +<br> +“True. Well, John, here’s $40 for you - that pays +you until January 1st. Now, it strikes me that, considering the +behavior of you three people, I am very generous to pay you your wages +a week in advance, but I am not going to stop there. I have studied +you all very carefully, and I’ve tried to discover what it is +you are fondest of. Cook and Mary do not seem to care much for +dresses, though I believe there are dresses and gloves under the tree +for them, which fact they will doubtless forget by next Christmas Day. +The five dollars and a day off John seems to remember, though from his +manner of recalling it I do not think his remembrance is a very pleasing +one. Now I’ve found out what it is you all like the best, +and I’m going to give it to you.”<br> +<br> +Here the trio endeavored to appear gracious, though they were manifestly +uneasy and a bit dissatisfied with what John would have called “the +luks of t’ings.”<br> +<br> +“Cook, from the 1st of January, may go to her relatives, and stay +until they’re every one of them restored to health, if it takes +forty years. Mary may consider herself presented with sixty years’ +vacation without pay; and for you, John, I have written this letter +of recommendation to the proprietors of a large undertaking establishment +in New York, who will, I trust, engage you as a chief mourner, or perhaps +hearse-driver, for the balance of your days. At any rate, you, +too, after January 1st, may consider yourself free to go to any funeral +or militia exercises, or anything else you may choose to honor with +your presence, at your own expense. You are all given leave of +absence without pay until further notice. I wish you a merry Christmas. +Good-morning.”<br> +<br> +There were no farewells in the house that day; and inasmuch as there +was no Christmas dinner either, Thaddeus and Bessie did not miss the +service of the waitress, who, when last seen, was walking airily off +towards the station, accompanied by the indignant John and a bundle-laden +cook. Next day their trunks went also.<br> +<br> +“It was rather a hard thing to do on Christmas Day, Thaddeus,” +said Bessie, a little later.<br> +<br> +“Oh no,” quibbled Thaddeus. “It was very easy +under the circumstances, and quite appropriate. This is the time +of peace on earth and good-will to men. The only way for us to +have peace on earth was to get rid of those two women; and as for John, +he has my good-will, now that he is no longer in my employ.”<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +A STRANGE BANQUET<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +“Thaddeus,” said Bessie to her husband as they sat at breakfast +one morning, shortly after the royal banquet over which “Grimmins” +had presided, “did you hear anything strange in the house last +night? Something like a footstep in the hall?”<br> +<br> +“No,” said Thaddeus. “I slept like a top last +night. I didn’t hear anything. Did you?”<br> +<br> +“I thought so,” said Bessie. “About two o’clock +I waked up with a start, and while it may have been a sort of waking +dream, I was almost certain I heard a rustling sound out in the hall, +and immediately after a creaking on the stairs, as though there was +somebody there.”<br> +<br> +“Well, why on earth didn’t you wake me, Bess?” returned +Thaddeus. “I could easily have decided the matter by getting +up and investigating.”<br> +<br> +“That was why I didn’t wake you, Teddy. I’d +a great deal rather lose the silver or anything else in the house a +burglar might want than have you hit on the head with a sand-club,” +said Bessie. “You men are too brave.”<br> +<br> +“Thank you,” said Thaddeus, with a smile, as he thought +of a certain discussion he had had not long before at the club, in which +he and several other brave men had reached the unanimous conclusion +that the best thing to do at dead of night, with burglars in the house, +was to crawl down under the bedclothes and snore as loudly as possible. +“Nevertheless, my dear, you should have told me.”<br> +<br> +“I will next time,” said Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Was anything in the house disturbed?” Thaddeus asked.<br> +<br> +“No,” said Bessie. “Not a thing, as far as I +can find out. Mary says that everything was all right when she +came down, and the cook apparently found things straight, because she +hasn’t said anything.”<br> +<br> +So Thaddeus and Bessie made up their minds that the latter had been +dreaming, and that nothing was wrong. Two or three days later, +however, they changed their minds on the subject. There was something +decidedly wrong, but what it was they could not discover. They +were both awakened by a rustling sound in the hallway, outside of their +room, and this time there was a creak on the stairs that was unmistakable.<br> +<br> +“Don’t move, Thaddeus,” said Bessie, in a terrified +whisper, as Thaddeus made a brave effort to get up and personally investigate. +“I wouldn’t have you hurt for all the world, and there isn’t +a thing down-stairs they can take that we can’t afford to lose.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus felt very much as Bessie did, and it would have pleased him +much better to lie quietly where he was than run the risk of an encounter +with thieves. He had been brave enough in the company of men to +advocate cowardice in an emergency of just this sort, but now that this +same course was advocated by his wife, he saw it in a different light. +Prudence was possible, cowardice was not. He must get up, and +get up he did; but before going out of his room he secured his revolver, +which had lain untouched and unloaded in his bureau-drawer for two years, +and then advanced cautiously to the head of the stairs and listened +- Bessie meanwhile having buried her face in her pillow as a possible +means of assuaging her fears. It is singular what a soothing effect +a soft feather pillow sometimes has upon the agitated nerves if the +nose of the agitated person is thrust far enough into its yielding surface.<br> +<br> +“Who is there?” cried Thaddeus, standing at the head of +the stairs, his knees all of a shake, but whether from fear or from +cold, as an admirer of Thaddeus I prefer not to state.<br> +<br> +Apparently the stage-whisper in which this challenge to a possible burglar +was uttered rendered it unavailing, for there was no reply; but that +there was some one below who could reply Thaddeus was now convinced, +for there were sounds in the library - sounds, however, suggestive of +undue attention to domestic duties rather than of that which fate has +mapped out for house-breakers. The library floor was apparently +being swept.<br> +<br> +“That’s the biggest idiot of a burglar I’ve ever heard +of,” said Thaddeus, returning to his room.<br> +<br> +“Wh-wha-what, d-dud-dear?” mumbled Mrs. Perkins, burying +her ear in the pillow for comfort now that she was compelled to take +her nose away so that she might talk intelligibly.<br> +<br> +“I say that burglar must be an idiot,” repeated Thaddeus. +“What do you suppose he is doing now?”<br> +<br> +“Wh-wha-what, d-dud-dear?” asked Bessie, apparently unable +to think of any formula other than this in speaking, since this was +the second time she had used it.<br> +<br> +“He is sweeping the library.”<br> +<br> +“Then you must not go down,” cried Bessie, sitting up, and +losing her fear for a moment in her anxiety for her husband’s +safety. “A burglar you might manage, but a maniac - ”<br> +<br> +“I must go, Bess,” said Thaddeus, firmly.<br> +<br> +“Then I’m going with you,” said Mrs. Perkins, with +equal firmness.<br> +<br> +“Now, Bess, don’t be foolish,” returned Thaddeus, +his face assuming a graver expression than his wife had ever seen there. +“This is my work, and it is none of yours. I positively +forbid you to stir out of this room. I shall be very careful, +and you need have no concern for me. I shall go down the backstairs +and around by the porch, and peep in through the library window first. +The moonlight will be sufficient to enable me to see all that is necessary.”<br> +<br> +“Very well,” acquiesced Bessie, “only do be careful.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus donned his long bath-robe, put on his shippers, and started +to descend. The stairs were so dark that he could with difficulty +proceed - and perhaps it was just as well for Thaddeus that they were. +If there had been light enough for him to see two great glaring eyes +that stared at him through that darkness out from the passageway at +the foot of the stairs, upon which he turned his back when he went out +upon the porch, it is not unlikely that a very serious climax to his +strange experience would have been reached then and there. As +it was, he saw nothing, but kept straight ahead, stepped noiselessly +out upon the piazza, crept stealthily along in the soft light of the +moon, until he reached the library window. There he stopped and +listened. All was still within - so still that the beating of +his heart seemed like the hammering of a sledge upon an anvil by contrast. +Then, raising himself cautiously upon his toes, he peered through the +window into the room, the greater part of which was made visible by +the wealth of the moon’s light streaming into it.<br> +<br> +“Humph!” said Thaddeus, after he had directed his searching +gaze into every corner. “There isn’t anybody there +at all. Most incomprehensible thing I ever heard of.”<br> +<br> +Rising, he walked back to the piazza door, and went thence boldly into +the library and lit the gas. His piazza observations were then +verified, for the room was devoid of life, save for Thaddeus’s +own presence; but upon the floor before the hearth was a broom, and +there were evidences also that the sweeping sounds he had heard had +been caused by no less an instrument than this, for in the corner of +the fireplace was a heap of dust, cigar ashes, and scraps of paper, +which Thaddeus remembered had been upon the hearth in greater or less +quantity when he had turned out the gas to retire a few hours before.<br> +<br> +“This is a serious matter,” he said to himself. “Something +is wrong, and I doubt if there have been burglars in the house; but +I can ascertain that without trouble. If the doors and windows +are all secure the trouble is internal.”<br> +<br> +Every accessible door and window on the basement and first floor was +examined, and, with the exception of the piazza door, which Thaddeus +remembered to have unlocked himself a few minutes before, every lock +was fastened. The disturbance had come from within.<br> +<br> +“And Bess must never know it,” said he; “it would +worry her to death.” And then came a thought to Thaddeus’s +mind that almost stopped the beating of his heart. “Unless +she has discovered it in my absence,” he gasped. In an instant +he was mounting the stairs to hasten to Bessie’s side, as though +some terrible thing were pursuing him.<br> +<br> +“Well, what was it, Ted?” she asked, as he entered the room.<br> +<br> +Perkins gave a sigh of relief. All was safe enough above-stairs +at least.<br> +<br> +“Nothing much,” said Thaddeus, in a moment. “There +is no one below.”<br> +<br> +“But what could it have been?”<br> +<br> +“I haven’t the slightest idea,” said Thaddeus, “unless +it was a stray cat in the house. The sweeping sound may have been +caused by a cat scratching its collar - or purring - or - or - something. +At any rate, things appear to be all right, my dear, so let’s +go to sleep.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus’s assumed confidence in the rightness of everything, +rather than his explanations, was convincing to Mrs. Perkins, and in +a very short while she was sleeping the sleep of the just and serene; +but to Thaddeus’s eye there came no more sleep that night, and +when morning came he rose unrefreshed. There were two problems +confronting him. The first was to solve the mystery of the swept +library floor; the second was to do this without arousing his wife’s +suspicions that anything was wrong. To do the first he deemed +it necessary to remain at home that day, which was easy, for Thaddeus +was more or less independent of office-work.<br> +<br> +“I’m glad you’re not going down,” said Mrs. +Perkins, when he announced his intention of remaining at home. +“You will be able to make up for your loss of sleep last night.”<br> +<br> +“Yes,” said Thaddeus. “It’s the only thing +I can do, I’m so played out.”<br> +<br> +Breakfast passed off pleasantly in spite of a great drawback - the steak +was burned almost to a crisp, and the fried potatoes were like chips +of wood.<br> +<br> +“Margaret seems to be unfamiliar with the art of cooking this +morning,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“So it would seem,” said Bessie. “This steak +is horrible.”<br> +<br> +“The worst part of it is,” said Thaddeus, “she has +erred on the wrong side. If the steak were underdone it wouldn’t +be so bad. Isn’t it a pity Edison can’t invent a machine +to rarefy an overdone steak?”<br> +<br> +“That would be a fine idea,” smiled Bessie. “And +to take a Saratoga chip and make it less like a chip off a granite block.”<br> +<br> +“I don’t mind the potatoes so much,” said Thaddeus. +“I can break them up in a bowl of milk and secure a gastronomic +novelty that, suitably seasoned, isn’t at all bad, but the steak +is hopeless.”<br> +<br> +“Maybe she heard that cat last night, and thought it was a burglar, +just as we did,” Bessie suggested. “I can’t +account for a breakfast like this in any other way, can you?”<br> +<br> +“No,” said Thaddeus, shortly, and then he had an idea; and +when Thaddeus had an idea he was apt to become extremely reticent.<br> +<br> +“Poor Thad!” thought Bessie, as she noted his sudden change +of demeanor. “He can’t stand loss of sleep.”<br> +<br> +The morning was spent by Thaddeus in the “noble pastime of snooping,” +as he called it. The house was searched by him in a casual sort +of way from top to bottom for a clew to the mystery, but without avail. +Several times he went below to the cellar, ostensibly to inspect his +coal supply, really to observe the demeanor of Margaret, the cook. +Barring an unusual pallor upon her cheek, she appeared to be as she +always had been; but with the waitress it was different. Mary +was evidently excited over something, but over what Thaddeus could not, +of course, determine at that time. Later in the day, however, +the cause of her perturbation came out, and Thaddeus’s effort +to keep Bessie from anxiety over the occurrence of the night before +was rendered unavailing. It was at luncheon. The table was +set in a most peculiar fashion. The only china upon it was from +an old set which had been discarded a year previous to the time of this +story, and Bessie naturally wanted to know why, and the waitress broke +down.<br> +<br> +“It’s - it’s all we have, ma’am,” said +she, her eyes filling with tears.<br> +<br> +“All we have?” echoed Mrs. Perkins in surprise. “Why, +what do you mean? Where is the other set?”<br> +<br> +“I don’t know,” protested the waitress.<br> +<br> +“You don’t know?” said Thaddeus, taking the matter +in hand. “Why don’t you know? Isn’t the +china a part of your care?”<br> +<br> +“Yes, sir,” replied the maid, “but - it’s gone, +sir, and I don’t know where.”<br> +<br> +“When did you miss it?” asked Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“Not until I came to set the table for lunch.”<br> +<br> +“Was it in its proper place at breakfast-time?”<br> +<br> +“I didn’t notice, sir. The breakfast dishes were all +there, but I don’t remember seeing the other plates. I didn’t +think to look.”<br> +<br> +“Then it wasn’t a cat,” said Bessie, sinking back +into her chair; “we have been robbed.”<br> +<br> +“Well, it’s the first time on record, I guess, that thieves +have ever robbed a man of his china,” said Thaddeus, calmly. +“Have you looked for the plates?” he added, addressing the +waitress.<br> +<br> +“No, sir,” she replied, simply. “Where could +I look?”<br> +<br> +“That’s so - where?” said Bessie. “There +isn’t much use looking for dishes when they disappear like that. +They aren’t like whisk-brooms or button-hooks to be mislaid easily. +We have been robbed; that’s all there is about that.”<br> +<br> +“Oh, well,” said Thaddeus, “let’s eat lunch, +and see about it afterwards.”<br> +<br> +This was quite easy to say, but to eat under the circumstances was too +much for either of the young householders. The luncheon left the +table practically untouched; and when it was over Thaddeus called his +man into the house, wrote a note to the police-station, asking for an +officer in citizen’s clothes at once, and despatched it by him, +with the injunction to let very little grass grow under his feet on +the way down to headquarters. He then summoned the waitress into +the library.<br> +<br> +“Have you said anything to Margaret about the china?” he +asked.<br> +<br> +“Yes, sir,” she replied.<br> +<br> +“What did you say?”<br> +<br> +“I told her as how wasn’t it funny the way it had went, +sir.”<br> +<br> +“And what did she say?”<br> +<br> +“Nothing, sir. Only she seemed to think it was funny, because +she laughed.”<br> +<br> +“And what did you say then?”<br> +<br> +“Nothing, Mr. Perkins. Margaret and me have very little +conversation, because she don’t fancy me, and prefers talkin’ +to herself like.”<br> +<br> +“H’m!” said Thaddeus. “Talks to herself, +does she?”<br> +<br> +“All the time, sir,” returned the waitress, “and she +seems very fond of it, sir. She laughs, and says things, and then +laughs again. She does it by the hour.”<br> +<br> +“How long has this been going on?”<br> +<br> +“About a week, sir. I noticed it first last time I had my +day out. I didn’t get in until nearly eleven o’clock, +and I found her sitting at the table havin’ supper and talkin’ +and laughin’ like as though there was folks around.”<br> +<br> +“She was entirely alone, was she?” asked Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“Yes, sir.”<br> +<br> +“What did you do when you came in?”<br> +<br> +“I said ‘Hello’ to her and sat down opposite to her +at the table, where there was a place set, and I told her I was glad +she had something to eat and a place set for me, because I hadn’t +had any supper and I was hungry, sir.”<br> +<br> +“Did she make any reply?”<br> +<br> +“No, sir. She looked at me kind of indignant, and turned +out the gas and went up to bed, leaving me in the dark.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus’s brow grew thoughtful again. It wrinkled into +a half-dozen lines as he asked:<br> +<br> +“Why didn’t you speak of this before?”<br> +<br> +“It ain’t for me to be telling tales, Mr. Perkins,” +she said. “All cooks as I’ve lived with is queer like, +and I didn’t think any more about it.”<br> +<br> +“All right,” said Thaddeus. “You may go. +Only, Mary, don’t speak of the plates again to Margaret. +Say as little to her as you can, in fact, about anything. If you +notice anything queer, report to me at once.”<br> +<br> +The waitress left the room, and Thaddeus turned to his desk. It +was plain from his appearance that light was beginning to be let in +on places that up to this point had been more or less dark to him, although, +as a matter of fact, he could not in any way account for the mystery +of the vanished plates any more than he could for the sweeping of the +library in the still hours of the night. He had an idea as to +who the culprit was, and what that idea was is plain enough to us, but +the question of motive was the great puzzle to him now.<br> +<br> +“If she did take them, why should she?” was the problem +he was trying to solve; and then, as if his trials were not already +great enough for one day, Bessie broke excitedly into the room.<br> +<br> +“Thaddeus!” she cried, “there’s something wrong +in this house; my best table-cloth is missing, our dessert-spoons are +gone, and what do you suppose has happened?”<br> +<br> +“I don’t know - a volcano has developed in the cellar, I +suppose,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +“No,” said Bessie, “it isn’t as bad as that; +but the ice-cream man has telephoned up to know whether we want the +cream for dinner or for eleven o’clock, according to the order +as he understands it.”<br> +<br> +“Well,” said Thaddeus, “I don’t see anything +very unusual in an ice-cream man’s needing to be told three or +four times what is expected of him.”<br> +<br> +“But I never ordered any cream at all,” said Bessie.<br> +<br> +“Ah,” said Thaddeus, “that’s different. +Did you tell Partinelli so?”<br> +<br> +“I did, and he said he was sure he wasn’t mistaken, because +he had taken the order himself.”<br> +<br> +“From you?”<br> +<br> +“No, from Margaret.”<br> +<br> +“Then it’s all right,” said Thaddeus; it’s a +clew that fits very nicely into my theory of our recent household disturbances. +If you will wait, I think things will begin to develop very shortly, +and then we shall be able to dismiss this indictment against the cat +we thought we heard last night.”<br> +<br> +“Do you think Margaret is dishonest?”<br> +<br> +“I don’t know,” said Thaddeus. “I shouldn’t +be surprised if she had friends with taking ways; in other words, my +dear, I suspect that Margaret is in league with people outside of this +house who profit by her mistaken notions as to how to be generous; but +I can’t prove it yet.”<br> +<br> +“But what are you going to do?”<br> +<br> +“Set a watch. I have sent for a detective,” said Thaddeus.<br> +<br> +This was too much for Bessie. She was simply overcome, and she +sat squarely down upon the arm-chair, which fortunately was immediately +behind her. I think that if it had not been, she would have plumped +down upon the floor.<br> +<br> +“Detective!” she gasped.<br> +<br> +“Exactly,” said Thaddeus, “and here he comes,” +he added, as a carriage was driven up to the door and one of the citizen +police descended therefrom.<br> +<br> +“You would better leave us to talk over this matter together,” +said Thaddeus, as he hastened to the door. “We shall be +able to manage it entirely, and the details might make you nervous.”<br> +<br> +“I couldn’t be more nervous than I am,” said Bessie; +“but I’ll leave you just the same.”<br> +<br> +Whereupon she went to her room, and Thaddeus, for an hour, was closeted +with the detective, to which he detailed the whole story.<br> +<br> +“It’s one of the two,” said the latter, when Thaddeus +had finished, “and I agree with you it is more likely to be the +cook than the waitress. If it was the waitress, she couldn’t +have stood your examination as well as you say she did. Perhaps +I’d better see her, though, and talk to her myself.”<br> +<br> +“No, I shouldn’t,” said Thaddeus “we’ll +pass you off as a business acquaintance of mine up from town, and you +can stay all night and watch developments.”<br> +<br> +So it was arranged. The detective was introduced into the family +as a correspondent of Thaddeus’s firm, and he settled down to +watch the household. Afternoon and evening went by without developments, +and at about eleven o’clock every light in the house was extinguished, +and the whole family, from the head of the house to the cook, had apparently +retired.<br> +<br> +At half-past eleven, however, there were decided signs of life within +the walls of Thaddeus’s home. The clew was working satisfactorily, +and the complete revelation of the mystery was chose at hand.<br> +<br> +The remainder of the narrative can best be told in the words of the +detective:<br> +<br> +“When Mr. Perkins sent for me,” he said, “and told +me all that had happened, I made up my mind that he had a servant in +his house for whom the police had been on the lookout for some time. +I thought she was a certain Helen Malony, alias Bridget O’Shaughnessy, +alias many other names, who was nothing more nor less than the agent +of a clever band of thieves who had lifted thousands of dollars of swag +in the line of household silver, valuable books, diamonds, and other +things from private houses, where she had been employed in various capacities. +I could not understand why she should have made ‘way with the +dishes and Mrs. Perkins’s table-cloth, but there’s no accounting +for tastes of people in that line of business, so I didn’t bother +much trying to reason that matter out.<br> +<br> +“After we’d had dinner and spent the evening in Mr. Perkins’s +library, the family went to bed, and I pretended to do the same. +Instead of really going to bed, I waited my chance and slipped down +the stairs into the dining-room, and got under the table. At eleven +o’clock the maidservants went up to their rooms, and at quarter-past +there wasn’t a light bumming in the house. I sat there in +the dining-room waiting, and just as the clock struck half-past eleven +I heard a noise out on the stairs, and in less than half a minute a +sulphur match was struck almost over my head under the table, and there +stood the cook, her face livid as that of a dead person, and in her +hand she held a candle, which she lit with the match. From where +I was I could see everything she did, which was not much. She +simply gathered up all the table fixings she could, and started down-stairs +into the kitchen with ‘em. Then I went up to Mr. Perkins’s +room and called him. He put on his clothes and got out his revolver, +when we stole down-stair’s together, leaving Mrs. Perkins up-stairs, +with her boy’s nurse and the waitress to keep her company.<br> +<br> +“In a second we were in the laundry, which was as dark as the +ace of spades, except where the light from four gas-jets in the kitchen +streamed in through the half-open door. Mr. Perkins was for pouncing +in on the cook at once, but I was after the rest of the gang as much +as I was for the cook, and I persuaded him to wait; and, by thunder, +we were paid for waiting. It was the queerest case I ever had.<br> +<br> +“That woman - looking for all the world like a creature from some +other part of the universe than this earth, her eyes burning like two +huge coals, her checks as yellow and clear as so much wax, and her lips +blue-white, with a great flaming red tongue sort of laid between them +- worked like a slave cleaning the floor, polishing the range, and scrubbing +the table. Then she dusted all the chairs, and, producing the +missing table-cloth, she laid it snow-white upon the table. In +two minutes more the lost china was brought to light out of the flour-barrel, +polished off, and set upon the table - enough for twenty people. +The dining-room things I had seen her take she arranged as tastefully +as any one could want, and then the finest lay-out in the way of salads, +cakes, fruits, and other good things I ever saw was brought in from +the cellar. To do all this took a marvellously short time. +It was five minutes of midnight went she got through, and then she devoted +three minutes to looking after herself. She whisked out a small +hand-glass and touched up her hair a bit. Then she washed her +hands and pinned some roses on her dress, smiled a smile I can never +forget in my life, and opened the kitchen door and went out.<br> +<br> +“‘She’s going to give a supper!’ whispered Mr. +Perkins.<br> +<br> +“‘It looks like it,’ said I. ‘And a mighty +fine one at that.’<br> +<br> +“In a minute she came back with a pail, in which were four bottles +of champagne, in her hand. This she took into the cellar, returning +to the kitchen as the clock struck twelve.<br> +<br> +“Then the queerest part began,” said the detective. +“For ten minutes by the clock people were apparently arriving, +though, as far as Mr. Perkins or I could see, there wasn’t a soul +in the kitchen besides Margaret. She was talking away like one +possessed. Every once in a while she’d stop in the middle +of a sentence and rush to the door and shake hands with some, to us +invisible, arrival. Then she’d walk in with them chatting +and laughing. Several times she went through the motion of taking +people’s hats, and finally, if we could judge from her actions, +she had ‘em all seated at the table. She passed salads all +around, helping each guest herself. She sent them fruit and cakes, +and then she brought out the wine, which she distributed in the same +fashion. She also apologized because some ice-cream she had ordered +hadn’t come.<br> +<br> +“When the invisible guests appeared to have had all they could +eat, she began the chatty part again, and never seemed to be disturbed +but once, when she requested some one not to sing so loud for fear of +disturbing the family.<br> +<br> +“Altogether it was the weirdest and rummest thing I’d ever +seen in my life. We watched it for one full hour, and then we +quit because she did. At one o’clock she apparently bade +her guests good-night, after which she gathered up and put away all +the eatables there were left - and, of course, everything but what she +had eaten herself still remained - cleaned all the dishes, restored +them to their proper places in the dinning-room pantry, and went back +up-stairs to her room.<br> +<br> +“Mr. Perkins and I didn’t know what to make of it. +There wasn’t a thing stolen, and it was clear to my mind that +I’d done the woman an injustice in connecting her with thieves. +She was honest, except in so far as she had ordered all those salads +and creams and things from time to time on Mr. Perkins’s account, +which was easy enough for her to do, since Mrs. Perkins let her do the +ordering. There was only one explanation of the matter. +She was crazy, and I said so.<br> +<br> +“‘I fancy you are right,’ said Mr. Perkins. +‘We’ll have to send her to an asylum!’<br> +<br> +“‘That’s the thing,’ said I, ‘and we’d +better do it the first thing in the morning. I wouldn’t +tackle her to-night, because she’s probably excited, and like +as not would make a great deal of trouble.’<br> +<br> +“And that,” said the detective, “was where Mr. Perkins +and I made our mistake. Next morning she wasn’t to be found, +and to this day I haven’t heard a word of her. She disappeared +just like that,” he said, snapping his fingers. “Of +course, I don’t mean to say that anything supernatural occurred. +She simply must have slipped down and out while we were asleep. +The front door was wide open in the morning, and a woman answering to +her description was seen to leave the Park station, five miles from +the Perkins house, on the six-thirty train that morning.”<br> +<br> +“And you have no idea where she is now?” I asked of the +detective, when he had finished.<br> +<br> +“No,” he answered, “not the slightest. For all +I know she may be cooking for you at this very minute.”<br> +<br> +With which comforting remark he left me.<br> +<br> +For my part, I hope the detective was wrong. If I thought there +was a possibility of Margaret’s ever being queen of my culinary +department, I should either give up house-keeping at once and join some +simple community where every man is his own chief, or dine forevermore +on canned goods.<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +JANE<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +She was quite the reverse of beautiful - to some she was positively +unpleasant to look upon; but that made no difference to Mrs. Thaddeus +Perkins, who, after long experience with domestics, had come to judge +of the value of a servant by her performance rather than by her appearance. +The girl - if girl she were, for she might have been thirty or sixty, +so far as any one could judge from a merely superficial glance at her +face and figure - was neat of aspect, and, what was more, she had come +well recommended. She bore upon her face every evidence of respectability +and character, as well as one or two lines which might have indicated +years or toothache - it was difficult to decide which. On certain +days, when the weather was very warm and she had much to do, the impression +was that the lines meant years, and many of them, accentuated as they +were by her pallor, the whiteness of her face making the lines seem +almost black in their intensity. When she smiled, however, which +she rarely did - she was solemn enough to have been a butler - one was +impressed with the idea of hours of pain from a wicked tooth. +At any rate, she was engaged as waitress, and put in charge of the first +floor of the Perkins household.<br> +<br> +“I fancy we’ve at last got a real treasure, said Mrs. Perkins. +“There’s no nonsense about Jane - I think.” +The last two words were added apologetically.<br> +<br> +“Where did you get her?” asked Thaddeus. “At +an Imbecility Office?”<br> +<br> +“I don’t quite know what you mean - an Imbecility Office?”<br> +<br> +“Only my pet, private, and particular name for it, my dear. +You would speak of it as an Intelligence Office, no doubt,” was +the reply. “My observation of the fruit of Intelligence +Offices has convinced me that they deal in Imbecility.”<br> +<br> +“Not quite,” laughed Mrs. Perkins. “They look +after Domestic Vacancies.”<br> +<br> +“Well, they do it with a vengeance,” said Perkins. +“We’ve had more vacancies in this house to do our cooking +and our laundering and our house-work generally than two able-bodied +men could shake sticks at. It seems to me that the domestic servant +of to-day is founder of preoccupation than of occupation.”<br> +<br> +“Jane, I think, is different from the general run,” said +Mrs. Perkins. “As I said, she has no nonsense about her.”<br> +<br> +“Is she - an - an ornament to the scene - pretty, and all that?” +asked Perkins.<br> +<br> +“Quite the reverse,” replied the little house-keeper. +“She is as plain as a - as a - ”<br> +<br> +“Say hedge-fence and be done with it,” said Perkins. +“I’m glad of it. What’s the use of providing +a good dinner for your friends if they are going to spend all their +time looking at the waitress? When I give a dinner it makes me +tired to have the men afterwards speak of the waitress rather than of +the <i>purée </i>or the birds. If any domestic is to dominate +the repast at all it should be the cook.”<br> +<br> +“Service counts for a great deal, thought, Ted,” suggested +Mrs. Perkins.<br> +<br> +“True,” replied Thaddeus; “but on the whole, when +I am starving, give me a <i>filet béarnaise </i>served by a sailor, +rather than an empty plate brought in in style by a butler of illustrious +lineage and impressive manner.” Then he added: “I +hope she isn’t too homely, Bess - not a ‘clock-stopper,’ +as the saying is. You don’t want people’s appetites +taken away when you’ve worked for hours on a menu calculated to +tickle the palates of your guests. Would her homeliness - ah - +efface itself, for instance, in the presence of a culinary creation, +or is it likely to overshadow everything with its ineffaceable completeness?”<br> +<br> +“I think she’ll do,” returned Mrs. Perkins; “especially +with your friends, who, it seems to me, would one and all insist upon +finishing a ‘creation,’ as you call it, even if lightning +should strike the house.”<br> +<br> +“From that point of view,” said he, “I’m confident +that Jane will do.”<br> +<br> +So Jane came, and for a year, strange to relate, was all that her references +claimed for her. She was neat, clean, and capable. She was +sober and industrious. The wine had never been better served; +the dinner had rarely come to the table so hot. Had she been a +butler of the first magnitude she could not so have discouraged the +idea of acquaintance; her attraction, if anything, was a combination +of her self-effacement and her ugliness. The latter might have +been noticed as she entered the dining-room; it was soon forgotten in +the unconsciously observed ease with which she went through her work.<br> +<br> +“She’s fine,” said Perkins, after a dinner of twelve +covers served by Jane with a pantry assistant. “I’ve +always had a sneaking notion that nothing short of a butler could satisfy +me, but now I think otherwise. Jane is perfection, and there is +nothing paralyzing about her, as there is about most of those reduced +swells who wait on tables nowadays.”<br> +<br> +In August the family departed for the mountains, and the house was left +in charge of Jane and the cook, and right faithfully did they fulfil +the requirements of their stewardship. The return in September +found the house cleaned from top to bottom. The hardwood floors +and stairs shone as they had rarely shone before, and as only an unlimited +application of what is vulgarly termed “elbow-grease” could +make them shine. The linen was immaculate. Ireland is not +freer from snakes than was the house of Perkins from cobwebs, and no +speck of dust except those on the travellers was visible. It was +evident that even in the absence of the family Jane was true to her +ideals, and the heart of Mrs. Perkins was glad. Furthermore, Jane +had acquired a full third set of teeth, which seemed to take some of +the lines from her face, and, as Perkins observed, added materially +to the general effect of the surroundings, although they were distressingly +new. But, alas! they marked the beginning of the end. Jane +ceased to wait upon the table with that solemnity which is essential +to the manner of a “treasure”; she smiled occasionally, +and where hitherto she had treated the conversation at the table with +stolid indifference, a witticism would invariably now bring the new +teeth unto view.<br> +<br> +“Alas!” cried Thaddeus, “our butleress has evoluted +backwards. She grins like an ordinary waitress.”<br> +<br> +It was too true. The possession of brilliantly white teeth seemed +to have brought with it a desire to show them, which was destructive +of that dignity with which Jane had previously been hedged about, and +substituted for it a less desirable atmosphere of possible familiarity, +which might grow upon very slight provocation into intimacy, not to +mention a nearer approach to social equality.<br> +<br> +“I don’t suppose we can blame her exactly,” said Perkins, +when discussing one or two of Jane’s lapses from her old-time +standard. “I haven’t a doubt that if I’d gone +for years without teeth, I’d become a regular Cheshire cat, with +a new, complete <i>édition de luxe </i>of celluloid molars. +Still, I wish she’d paid more attention to the dinner and less +to Mr. Barlow’s conversation last night. She stood a whole +minute, with the salad-bowl in her hand, waiting for him to reach the +point of his story about the plumber who put a gas-pipe through Shakespeare’s +tenor in Westminster Abbey, and when he finished, and she smiled, you’d +have thought a dozen gravestones to the deceased’s memory had +been conjured up before us.”<br> +<br> +“It’s a small fault, Thaddeus,” returned Mrs. Perkins, +“but I’ll speak to her about it.”<br> +<br> +“Oh, I wouldn’t,” said Perkins; “let it go; +she means well, and when we got her we didn’t suspect she’d +turn out such a jewel. She’s merely approaching her norm, +that is all. We ought to be thankful to have had such perfection +for one year. It’s too bad it couldn’t continue; but +what perfection does?”<br> +<br> +Nothing, therefore, was said, and Jane smiled on, yet waited most acceptably +and kept all things decently and in order - for a little while. +Along about Christmas-time a further decadence and additional flaw in +the jewel was discovered, and it was Perkins himself who discovered +it. It happened one day while he was at work alone in the house, +Mrs. Perkins having gone out shopping. A friend from Boston appeared +- a friend interested in bric-à-brac and china generally. +Thaddeus, to whom a luncheon in solitary grandeur was little short of +abomination, invited his Boston friend to stay and share pot-luck with +him, knowing, hypocrite that he was, that pot-luck did not mean pot-luck +at all, but a course luncheon which many men would have found all-sufficient +at dinner. The Boston friend accepted, and the luncheon was served +by Jane. In the course of the repast the visitor observed:<br> +<br> +“Pretty good china you have, Perkins.”<br> +<br> +“Yes,” returned Thaddeus, “pretty good. I’ve +always had a <i>penchant </i>for china. My mother-in-law thinks +I’m extravagant, and sometimes I think she is right. You +never saw my Capodimonte coffees, did you?”<br> +<br> +“No,” replied the Bostonian, “I never did. Where’d +you get ‘em?”<br> +<br> +“London,” replied Perkins, “last time I was over. +You must see them, by all means. Ah, Jane, hand Mr. Bunkerrill +one of the Capodimonte coffees.”<br> +<br> +“Wan o’ the what, sorr?” asked the treasure.<br> +<br> +Thaddeus blushed. To have his jewel go back on him at such a crisis +was excessively annoying. “One of those gold after-dinner +coffee-cups - one of the little ones, with the flowery raised figures,” +he said, sharply.<br> +<br> +“Oh!” said Jane, “wan o’ thim with somebody +else’s initial on the bottom?”<br> +<br> +“Yes,” said Thaddeus, fuming inwardly.<br> +<br> +“Quite a connoisseur, that woman,” laughed the visitor, +as Jane went after the dinner-cup. “She’s observed +the china mark. She know’s N doesn’t stand for Perkins.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus laughed weakly. “She probably thinks we got them +second-hand,” he said.<br> +<br> +“Very likely you did,” retorted the Bostonian, and Jane +returned with the desired cup. “An admirable specimen,” +continued the connoisseur; and them, turning the cup bottom upwards +in search of the mark, he disclosed to his own and Thaddeus’s +astonished gaze no less an object than the remains of a mashed green +pea, a reminiscence of the last Perkins dinner, and conclusive evidence +that at times Jane was not as careful in the washing of her china as +she might have been.<br> +<br> +It would be futile and useless for me to attempt to describe the emotions +of Thaddeus. I fancy a large enough number of us having been through +similar experiences to comprehend the man’s mortification and +his inward wrath. It was too great to find suitable expression +at the moment. Nothing short of the absolute destruction of the +cup and the annihilation of Jane could have adequately expressed Perkins’s +true feelings. He was not by nature, however, a scene-maker - +it would have been better if he had been - so he said nothing, abiding +by his rule, which seemed to be that the man of the house would do better +to reprehend the short-comings of a delinquent servant by blowing up +his wife rather than by going direct to the core of the trouble and +reading the maid a lecture. A great many men adopt this same method. +I do. It is the easiest, though it is possibly prompted by that +cowardice which is latent with us all. I never in my life have +discharged more than one servant, and I not only did not do it gracefully, +but discharged the wrong one; since which time I have left all that +sort of work to others more competent than I. Perkins’s +method was precisely thus.<br> +<br> +“I’m not going to interfere,” was his invariable remark +in cases of the kind under discussion; which was unwise, for if he had +even scolded a servant as he did his wife for the servant’s fault +he might have secured better service sooner or later.<br> +<br> +Unfortunately, when Mrs. Perkins reached home that night she was so +very tired with her exertions in the shops that Thaddeus hadn’t +the heart to tell her what had happened, and when morning came the episode +was forgotten. When it did recur to his mind it so happened that +Mrs. Perkins was out of reach. The result was that a month had +passed before Mrs. Perkins cane into possession of the facts, and it +was then, of course, too late to mention it to Jane.<br> +<br> +“You should have given her a good talking to at the time,” +said Mrs. Perkins. “It’s awful! I don’t +know what has got into Jane. My best table-cloth has got a great +hole in it, and she is very careless with the silver. My fruit-knife +last night was not clean.”<br> +<br> +“I suppose <i>you </i>spoke to her about that?” said Perkins, +smiling.<br> +<br> +“Not exactly; I sent for another, and handed her the dirty one,” +returned Mrs. Perkins. “I guess she felt all that I could +have said.”<br> +<br> +And time went on, and Jane continued to decay. She pulled corks +from olive-bottles with the carving-fork prongs and bent them backwards. +She developed a habit of going out and leaving her work undone. +The powdered sugar was allowed to resolve itself into small, hard, pill-shaped +lumps of various sizes. Breakfast had a way of being served cold. +The coffee was at times merely tepid; in short, it seemed as if she +really ought to be discharged; but then there was invariably some reason +for postponing the fatal hour. Either her kindness to the children +or a week or two of the old-time efficiency, her unyielding civility, +her scrupulous honesty, her willing acquiescence in any new duty imposed, +an impression that she was suffering, any one or all of these reasons +kept her on in her place until she became so much a fixture in the household, +so much one of the family, that the idea of getting rid of her seemed +beyond the possibility of realization. That the axe should fall +her employers knew well, and may a resolve was taken that at the end +of the season she should go, yet neither Mrs. Perkins nor her husband +liked to tell her so. Her good points were still too potent, although +none could deny that all confidence in her efficiency was shattered +past repair. The situation finally reached a point where it inspired +reflections of a more or less humorous order.<br> +<br> +“I tell you what I think,” said Thaddeus one evening, after +a particularly flagrant breach on Jane’s part, involving a streak +of cranberry sauce across a supposititiously clean plate: “you +won’t discharge her, Bess, and I won’t; suppose we send +for Mr. Burke, and get him to do it.”<br> +<br> +Mr. Burke was the one reliable man in town. It didn’t make +much difference what the Perkinses wanted done, they generally sent +for Mr. Burke to do it, largely because when he attempted a commission +he saw it through. A carpenter and builder by trade, he had for +many years looked after the repairs needful to the Perkins’ dwelling; +he had come often between Thaddeus and unskilled labor; he had made +bookcases which were dreams of convenience and sufficiently pleasing +to the eye; he had “fixed up” Mrs. Perkins’s garden; +he had supplied the family with a new gardener when the old one had +taken on habits of drink, which destroyed not only himself but the cabbages; +he had kept an eye on the plumbers; he had put up, taken down, and repaired +awnings - in short, as Perkins said, he was a “Universal.” +Once, when a delicate piece of bric-à-brac had been broken and +the china-mender asserted that it could not be mended, Perkins had said, +“See if Burke can’t fix it,” and Burke had fixed it; +and as final tribute to this wonder, Perkins had said, in suffering:<br> +<br> +“My dear, I’m afraid I have appendicitis. Send for +Mr. Burke.”<br> +<br> +“Mr. Burke!” echoed his wife.<br> +<br> +“Yes, Mr. Burke,” moaned the sufferer. “If my +vermiform appendix is to be removed, I’d rather have Mr. Burke +do it with a chisel and saw than any surgeon I know; and I won’t +take ether either, because it is such a satisfaction to see him work.”<br> +<br> +So, when this happy pair of house-holders had reached what might be +described as the grand climateric of their patience, and it was finally +decided that Jane’s usefulness was a thing of the past, and utterly +beyond redemption, Thaddeus naturally suggested turning to his faithful +friend, Mr. Burke, to rid them of their woes, and, indeed, but for Jane’s +own intervention, I fear that course would have proved the sole alternative +to her becoming an irremovable fixture in the household. But it +was Jane herself who solved the problem.<br> +<br> +It was two days after the cranberry episode that the solution came, +and it was in this wise:<br> +<br> +“Did ye send for me?” Jane asked, suddenly materializing +in Mrs. Perkins’s room.<br> +<br> +“No, Jane, I haven’t; why?”<br> +<br> +The girl began to shied tears.<br> +<br> +“Because - you’d ought to have, ma’am. I know +well enough that I ain’t satisfactory to you,” she returned, +her voice quivering, “and I can’t be, and I know you want +me to go - and I - I’ve come to give you notice.”<br> +<br> +Then Mrs. Perkins looked at Jane with sorrow on her countenance, for +she had acquired an affection for her which the maid’s delinquencies +had not been able to efface.<br> +<br> +“Can’t you try and do better?” she asked.<br> +<br> +“No, ma’am,” returned Jane. “Not with +the system - never. Mr. Perkins is too easy, and you do be so +soft-hearted it don’t keep a girl up to her work. When I +first come here, ma’am, not knowin’ ye well, I was afraid +to be anything but what was right, but the way you took accidents, and +a bit of a shortcomin’ once in a while, sort of took away my fear, +and I’ve been goin’ down hill ever since. Servant-girls +is only human, Mrs. Perkins.”<br> +<br> +Mrs. Perkins looked at Jane inquiringly.<br> +<br> +“We needs to be kept up to our work just as much as anybody else, +and when a lady like yourself is too easy, it gets a girl into bad habits, +and occasionally it does us good if the gentleman of the house will +swear at us, Mrs. Perkins, and sort of scare us, so it does. It +was that that was the making of me. The last place I was in, ma’am, +I was so afraid of both the missus and the gentleman that I didn’t +dare to be careless; and I didn’t dare be careless with you until +I found you all the time a-smilin’, whatever went wrong, and Mr. +Perkins never sayin’ a word, whether the dishes come to the table +clean or not.”<br> +<br> +“Well, Jane,” said Mrs. Perkins, somewhat carried away by +this course of reasoning, “you haven’t been what we hoped +- there is no denying that; but knowing that you were disappointing +us, why couldn’t you have made a special effort?”<br> +<br> +“Oh, Mrs. Perkins,” sobbed the poor woman, “you don’t +understand. We’re all disappointin’ to them we loves, +but - it’s them we fear - ”<br> +<br> +“Then why aren’t you afraid of us?”<br> +<br> +Jane laughed through her tears. The idea was preposterous.<br> +<br> +“Afraid of you and Mr. Perkins? Ah!” she said, sadly, +“if I only could be - but I can’t. Why, Mrs. Perkins, +if Mr. Perkins should come in here now and swear at me the way Mr. Barley +did when I worked there, I’d know he was only puttin’ it +on, and that inside he’d be laughin’ at me. No, ma’am, +it’s no use. I feel that I must go, or I’ll be forever +ruined. It was the cranberry showed me; a girl had ought to be +discharged for that. Dirty dinner plates isn’t excusable, +and yet neither of you said a word, and next week it’ll be the +same way - so I’m goin’. You won’t send me off, +so I’ve got to do it myself.”<br> +<br> +“Very well, Jane,” said Mrs. Perkins; “if that is +the way you feel about it we’ll have to part, I suppose. +I am sorry, but - ”<br> +<br> +The sentence was not finished, for Jane rushed weeping from the room, +and within a few days, her place having been filled, the house knew +her no more, except as an occasional visitor, ostensibly to see the +children. Later she got a place to her satisfaction, and one night +the Perkins were invited to dine with Jane’s new employers. +They went and found their old-time “butler” at the very +zenith of her powers. She served the dinner as she had never served +one in her palmiest days in the Perkins’s dining-room; and when +all was over, and when Mrs. Perkins went up-stairs to don her wrap to +return home, she found Jane above waiting to help her.<br> +<br> +“I am glad to see you so happy, Jane,” she said, as the +girl held her cloak.<br> +<br> +“Ah, ma’am, I’m not very happy.”<br> +<br> +“You ought to be, here. Your work to-night was perfect.”<br> +<br> +“Yes,” said Jane, “it had to be, for” - here +her voice fell to a whisper - “I don’t dare let it be different, +ma’am. Mrs. Harkins is a regular divvle, and the ould gentleman +- well, ma’am, he do swear finer ‘n any gentleman I ever +met. It’s just the place for me.”<br> +<br> +And Jane sighed as her old mistress left her.<br> +<br> +“Wasn’t she great, Bess?” said Thaddeus, on the way +home.<br> +<br> +“She was, indeed,” replied Mrs. Perkins, with a smile. +“It’s a pity I’m not a divvle.”<br> +<br> +Thaddeus laughed. “That’s so,” he said; “or +that I never learned to swear like a gentleman, eh?”<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +THE END *** Corrected to here and fully spell-checked ***<br> +<br> +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, PASTE JEWELS ***<br> +<pre> + +******This file should be named psjw10h.htm or psjw10h.zip****** +Corrected EDITIONS of our ebooks get a new NUMBER, psjw11h.htm +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, psjw10ah.htm + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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