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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 49296 ***
+
+RETAINED FOR THE
+DEFENCE
+
+_A Farce,_
+
+IN ONE ACT.
+
+
+BY
+
+JOHN OXENFORD, ESQ.,
+
+AUTHOR OF
+
+_Twice Killed, A Day Well Spent, A Family Failing, Dice of Death,
+Only a Halfpenny, Reigning Favourite, Rape of the Lock,
+My Fellow Clerk, I and My Double, A Quiet Day, No Followers,
+What have I done? Porter's Knot, &c. &c._
+
+
+THOMAS HAILES LACY,
+89, STRAND,
+(_Opposite Southampton Street, Covent Garden Market_),
+LONDON.
+
+
+
+
+RETAINED FOR THE DEFENCE.
+
+_First performed at the Royal Olympic Theatre,
+on Monday, May 23rd, 1859._
+
+
+_Characters_.
+
+MR. MOTTLEY DE WINDSOR        MR. G. COOKE.
+
+MR. WHITEWASH                 MR. G. VINING.
+
+MR. FERGUSON                  MR. H. COOPER.
+
+THWAITES                      MR. H. WIGAN.
+
+PAWKINS                       MR. F. ROBSON.
+
+AGATHA DE WINDSOR             MISS COTTRELL.
+
+_Guests, &c._
+
+_Time of Representation_--45 MINUTES.
+
+PERIOD--_Present Day_.
+
+
+_Costumes_.
+
+DE WINDSOR--Blue coat with metal buttons, white vest, black trousers.
+
+WHITEWASH--Modern evening suit.
+
+FERGUSON--Ditto.
+
+THWAITES--Blue dress coat, white vest, black trousers, Berlin gloves.
+
+PAWKINS--Long-tailed dress coat, colored vest, black trousers; hat and
+umbrella.
+
+AGATHA--Rich pink silk ball dress.
+
+GUESTS--Evening dresses.
+
+
+
+
+RETAINED FOR THE DEFENCE.
+
+SCENE--_A Drawing Room fitted up for an evening party--to the left a
+card table--doors, C. and L._
+
+_THWAITES, who has finished lighting candles in chandelier at back,
+C., steps back to survey the effect._
+
+THWAITES. Now, that's what I call the real thing--the clean grit. The
+position of that bokey (_bouquet_) is such, that none but the purest
+taste could conceive,--those camellias, chastity itself. A fine
+combination! Cutting the turnips and carrots to make ornaments for the
+cold tongue; chusing the bokies at Covent Garden Market; mildly
+tempering the brilliant light of wax and gas with the soothing hue of
+flowers. I have brought all my arts to bear upon this sworry. The
+party who is a greengrocer in the morning, is the only perfect waiter
+in the evening.
+
+_Enter AGATHA, C._
+
+AGATHA. (L.) So, Thwaites, the room appears quite ready?
+
+THWAITES. (R.) Yes, Miss Agatha; without exaggeration I may venture to
+say, we are lit up.
+
+AGATHA. My father has not returned?
+
+THWAITES. No, Miss Agatha, he has not--since he left the house at two
+in the afternoon--I haven't the slightest notion where he is gone.
+
+AGATHA. Indeed! (_laughing--sits, L. C._)
+
+THWAITES. No--though I did my best to ascertain;--"Are you going far,
+sir?" says I. He stares, and he makes me no answer. "Shall you be
+long, sir?" says I. He stares again, and again he makes no answer.
+"Because sir," says I, "there's the party this evening!" "I know that,
+better than you do," says he, "for I shall have to pay for it!"--just
+like him, Miss Agatha--ha, ha, ha!
+
+AGATHA. (_aside--vexed_) Really, 'pa must have a regular footman;
+these tradespeople whom he engages as occasional waiters don't
+understand subordination a bit.
+
+THWAITES. I hope you admire the bokies, Miss Agatha; them camellias
+are quite the thing, I flatter myself;--all my taste--ha! ha! You'll
+be called to-morrow the Lady of the Camellias!
+
+AGATHA. Most offensive! (_rises, and turns aside_)
+
+THWAITES. Now, I thought I had said something very pretty--but she
+don't look pleased.
+
+AGATHA. No one has arrived, of course?
+
+THWAITES. On the contrary, Miss Agatha--I'm sorry to differ from you,
+but I rather think one has arrived, and is coffee-ing in the back
+parlor;--here he is, too!
+
+_Enter WHITEWASH, C. from L. C., and down, C._
+
+Mr. Whitewash, as I'm alive!--No occasion to announce you, sir.
+
+WHITE (C.). Ah, my dear Miss De Windsor, excuse me if I stopped a
+minute to refresh myself with a _demitasse_ of your choice Mocha
+instead of flying up stairs; but you see, a cause in which I was
+retained came on late, and I was obliged to exert myself a good
+deal--abnormally--if I may use the expression;--in short I was
+regularly knocked up.
+
+AGATHA. Don't think of apologies--as it is you are the first in the
+room. So you have had another brief to-day--I hope you have been
+victorious.
+
+WHITE. One of my most brilliant triumphs! I actually outshone myself!
+(_THWAITES listens_) A rascal had stolen a watch from a gentleman's
+pocket, and hid it!--ha, ha, ha!--in his umbrella.
+
+THWAITES. Watch in an umbrella--come, that's not bad!--ho, ho, ho!
+
+WHITE. Eh? (_looks half offended--then continues without noticing
+THWAITES_) There is not the slightest doubt that the scoundrel was
+guilty; indeed he had such a face that innocence would have been a
+positive fraud upon nature--but, ha, ha, ha! I got him off--I got him
+off!--a weeping jury declared that he was not guilty.
+
+AGATHA. Capital!
+
+THWAITES. Which it is capital!--just like you, sir.
+
+WHITE. (_draws AGATHA aside_) I say--this person--rather familiar.
+
+AGATHA. Yes, I know--I'm quite annoyed. He's our greengrocer. 'Pa
+jokes with him in the morning when he buys the vegetables, and now
+he's come to wait in the evening, he don't understand his position at
+all.
+
+WHITE. I think I'll take the liberty of dropping a hint. I say,
+Mr.----
+
+THWAITES. Thwaites, at your service, sir. Cards ain't common in our
+business; but my address is----
+
+WHITE. Of your address, Mr. Thwaites, I have not the slightest doubt.
+But I would speak a word with you.
+
+THWAITES. And I'll listen if you talk for an hour. If I take up the
+newspaper, is it to read about politics? No! About plays?--No, I
+should rather think not! About pictures? bother, no! I look to see if
+Mr. Whitewash has been saying something for some poor devil in the
+Central Criminal Court. That's my intellectual treat!
+
+WHITE. (_flattered_) Indeed! ha! ha! Really, my dear Miss de Windsor
+we should do wrong to check this diffusion of intelligence among the
+masses.
+
+_Enter DE WINDSOR, C. from L. C._
+
+DE W. He is here--is he--the dear boy. I must shake him by the hand.
+(_rushes forward, R. C. and grasps THWAITES by the hand_) Eh! ha! ha!
+You're not Whitewash! Ridiculous! I'm always making myself ridiculous;
+I've too much heart. You feel what I mean, Whitewash. (_shakes his
+hand violently_) You feel what I mean.
+
+WHITE. (L. C.) Most acutely! (_wringing his hand_)
+
+DE W. I'm so glad you are here before the others. Leave the room,
+Thwaites. (_THWAITES lingers, moving at back to C._) I can now
+disburden my heart. As I said, I'm all heart. (_THWAITES advances,
+C._) Leave the room, Thwaites! (_THWAITES goes up, and moves chair
+from R. to C._) This moment is the most important--Zounds! Thwaites,
+will you leave the room?
+
+THWAITES. (_aside, going up, C._) That's the man of money. Give me the
+man of mind!
+
+_Exit, C., off, L._
+
+DE W. (_coming to C._) Now look, I hesitate no longer; I shilly-shally
+no longer; I follow the dictates of my heart, and my heart tells me
+to--Come here, Whitewash--come here, Aggy. (_joins their hands_)
+Whitewash, consider yourself as my son-in-law.
+
+AGATHA. Really, this is very sudden, 'pa.
+
+DE W. Of course it is; I'm always sudden, I'm a creature of impulse.
+But do you dislike the arrangement?
+
+AGATHA. I did not say that, 'pa.
+
+DE W. Didn't say that, 'pa! Then why don't you speak out? Wear your
+mind in your face, as I do, or as my young friend here, with whom I
+want to speak a few words in private. So, go and see how they are
+getting on with the coffee.
+
+WHITE. (R.) And don't forget, that you are engaged to me for the first
+set, and the Polka, and the Lancers.
+
+DE W. Of course, she won't forget. Run along child.
+
+_Exit, AGATHA, C., off, L._
+
+Now, I can give vent to my feelings; Whitewash, you've done it. I was
+long making up my mind, but now, you've done it. You are one of the
+men I like. (_shakes his hand violently--they sit_)
+
+WHITE. My dear sir, I'm most happy. (_wringing his hand_)
+
+DE W. Of course you are. Look you, it's only now that I like you; this
+very morning I weighed your merits with those of Tom Tango of the
+Stock Exchange, who you know has a sneaking kindness for my girl, and
+the balance was considerably in Tom's favour. He's a better looking
+fellow than you, and his conversation is more agreeable. Then, what's
+a lawyer? said I, a creature all brains and no heart? no heart, sir!
+But now, I'm changed, my views are more enlarged--more expansive--I
+have been----
+
+WHITE. Dining out?
+
+DE W. No, I have been in the Central Criminal Court, during the cause,
+"The Queen _v._ Pawkins."
+
+WHITE. Ah, I see! and you heard my speech for the defence. It was not
+bad, was it?
+
+DE W. It was noble--it was glorious. While I looked upon that poor man
+in the dock, and I heard you enunciate his virtues and expatiate on
+the largeness of his small family, he assumed in my eyes the sanctity
+of a martyr.
+
+WHITE. You don't say so?
+
+DE W. Perhaps you noticed that among the persons in the court one wept
+aloud--very loud?
+
+WHITE. I did. The policeman turned him out, I believe.
+
+DE W. True--ahem! Some such brutal occurrence did take place; I was
+the man that wept, sir, you were the man that made me weep; you
+touched my heart, sir, you touched my heart.
+
+WHITE. (_aside_) Really, a most sensible old gentleman!
+
+DE W. Lingering at the door, I learned that the prisoner was
+acquitted. So I walked home, and I said to myself--Whitewash is my
+destined son-in-law. I as a manufacturer of fancy soap remove physical
+impurities from the skin; Whitewash effaces the blots that calumny has
+cast upon innocence.
+
+WHITE. Innocence!
+
+DE W. Of course; no one knows better than you that that poor
+persecuted being was innocence itself.
+
+WHITE. (_coolly_) Oh, yes--yes.
+
+DE W. What delight you must have felt in restoring him to his weeping
+wife, and those five small children!
+
+WHITE. Wife! children! Oh! ah! I believe I did use the expression.
+
+DE W. But there's a further pleasure in store for you. You know I
+always follow the dictates of my heart. Well--well, my heart told me
+that society owed that poor persecuted being a reparation, and was
+bound to declare that he had not forfeited his social position. In a
+word, sir, I've invited him to my ball this evening.
+
+WHITE. (_rises_) Here? To your house? A fellow with the taint of the
+dock fresh upon him!
+
+DE W. A taint that he did not merit--a taint that you have so nobly
+removed. (_rises_)
+
+WHITE. (_aside_) Oh, this is an old fool!
+
+_Enter AGATHA, C., and down, L._
+
+AGATHA. (L.) Oh, papa, they are nearly all assembled in the other
+room.
+
+DE W. (C.) Come along then--come along, that I may introduce you as my
+son-in-law. Come, defender of persecuted innocence!
+
+WHITE. (_to AGATHA_) Mind the first set--the Lancers--the----
+
+DE W. Come along. (_taking his arm_)
+
+_Exeunt DE WINDSOR and WHITEWASH, C. off L._
+
+AGATHA. (_looking about_) Very foolish of my aunt not to fasten her
+bracelet better. It can't be here;--I don't believe she has been in
+this room. Tut, tut! (_goes up, R._)
+
+_Enter THWAITES, L. D. 2 E._
+
+THWAITES. (_announcing_) Mr. Pawkins!
+
+_Enter PAWKINS, L. D. 2 E., he bows on all sides as if the room were
+full of company. Exit THWAITES, L._
+
+PAWKINS. Why, I'm blessed if there's a soul here!--it's werry
+inconsistent bowing to two strings of nobody. (_suddenly sees AGATHA,
+R._) Oh, I beg pardon, miss;--perhaps you may think it's like my
+impedence, but is the gov'ner in?
+
+AGATHA. The--the--governor?
+
+PAWKINS. Yes, the gov'ner here; not my gov'ner--no, bless you, he's
+been under hatches long ago. I want Mr.--I've got his letter
+somewhere--Mr.--he's something in the fancy soap line.
+
+AGATHA. Oh, my papa--Mr. De Windsor.
+
+PAWKINS. Him's it! So he's your papa, is he? Well then, I say you do
+him credit: I say it afore your face, and I wouldn't mind saying it
+behind your back.
+
+AGATHA. (_aside_) A singularly vulgar person! but 'pa does pick up
+such strange friends in the City.
+
+PAWKINS. Before we go any further I should like to settle one pint:
+I've picked up this here gimcrack thing on the staircase. (_producing
+bracelet from his coat pocket_)
+
+AGATHA. (_R., catches it from his hand_) My aunt's bracelet! My dear
+sir, a thousand--thousand thanks!
+
+_Exit AGATHA, C._
+
+PAWKINS. A thousand, thousand thanks!--my dear sir, too! Uncommon
+pretty behaved young person!--a child will take a deal of whipping
+afore it gets up to that pint of good manners. A shilling slipped in
+one's hand would have given a finishing touch to the compliment; but
+one can't have it all one's own way; then her pretty smile were worth
+more nor a shilling a precious sight. Ah, bless her heart! she'd ha'
+know'd fast enough that the man who picks up bracelets, and gives them
+to the right owner, ain't exactly the sort of article as prigs
+watches.
+
+_Re-enter DE WINDSOR, C., and down, L._
+
+DE W. (L.) Really a charming scene! most exhilarating! (_sees PAWKINS,
+R._) Eh! why, he's here at last! Pawkins, the persecuted! (_shakes his
+hand violently_) My dear sir, I'm delighted to see you.
+
+PAWKINS. (_wringing his hand_) Thank you; but draw it a little mild.
+
+DE W. (L.) Mr. Pawkins, you are one of the men I like.
+
+PAWKINS. Same to you, sir. You are Mr. De--de--fancy soap line, sir?
+
+DE W. De Windsor.
+
+PAWKINS. Well then, sir, two minutes ago I told the young 'oman she
+was a credit to you, and now I don't mind telling you you're a credit
+to the young 'oman.
+
+DE W. (_aside_) Somewhat coarse; but frank and genial.
+
+PAWKINS. You've sent me a sort o' note, sir, as the saying is, asking
+me to come here; but it strikes me there's some mistake.
+
+DE W. Not in the least, Mr. Pawkins, not in the least. Take a seat.
+
+PAWKINS. (_sits, R. after putting down umbrella, R._) That's all right
+then. At all events I've brought the tongs in my pocket.
+
+DE W. The tongs?--rather a singular proceeding!--and the shovel?
+
+PAWKINS. No; get out with you--I mean the curling irons.
+
+DE W. (_coldly_) I--I begin to comprehend; Mr. Pawkins, you are a
+hair-dresser.
+
+PAWKINS. No; that's where you put your foot in it. I ain't a regular
+hair-dresser for a nobby concern like this. I cuts a little in the
+common way, but I am chiefly in the easy shaving line.
+
+DE W. I understand, you keep a hair-cutting saloon frequented by
+gentlemen only.
+
+PAWKINS. I calls it a shop, sir, but if you calls it a s'loon it's
+werry kind on you, and I'm much obliged, and if you calls my customers
+gen'leman, they ought to be werry much obliged to you too.
+
+DE W. (_aside_) Ha! I wish he had been a little higher in the social
+scale--but no matter. His wrongs have been extraordinary, society owes
+him an extraordinary reparation. Mr. Pawkins, I trust Mrs. Pawkins and
+the children are quite well?
+
+PAWKINS. Mrs. Pawkins and the children--ha, ha, ha! Them's as well as
+can be expected.
+
+DE W. I see--a recent increase to the family.
+
+PAWKINS. Recent gammon! Why there ain't no Mrs. Pawkins--there ain't
+even a young un.
+
+DE W. Bless me! (_aside_) I'm sure Whitewash talked about small
+children.
+
+_WHITEWASH runs in C. from L._
+
+WHITE. Mr. De Windsor, sir--(_aside_) Egad! the rascal's in full
+confab. Sir----(_pushes himself between PAWKINS and DE WINDSOR, C._)
+
+PAWKINS. (R.) Why, I'm blest if here ain't my professional gen'leman!
+
+DE W. (L.) Ah, sir, Mr. Whitewash is your true friend.
+
+PAWKINS. No mistake about that! No, Mr. Whitewash, I'm a poor man, but
+if there's any way of shewing my gratitude----
+
+WHITE. (_whispers_) There's an exceedingly cheap way. Make some excuse
+and take yourself off as fast as your legs can carry you.
+
+PAWKINS. Ah, he is indeed a friend! (_crosses to C._) Look here, Mr.
+De----what's your name? There I stud reading the bill of the Royal
+Victoria Theatre--something about Will Watch, the Bold Smuggler, when,
+as if it was done o' purpose, some one smuggles a watch into my
+umbrella!
+
+WHITE. Yes, yes, we know all about that, the story is exceedingly
+plausible, and I have told it already, much better than you can, in
+the presence of this gentleman.
+
+PAWKINS. They lugs me about--they takes me off against my will.
+
+WHITE. Well, then, now indulge in the free exercise of your will, by
+taking yourself off.
+
+(_some of the COMPANY pass across at back of C. doors, from L. to R._)
+
+PAWKINS. Stop a bit! though I mostly sticks to the easy shaving line,
+I've a mind as can soar to the higher branches. That 'ere head of hair
+is uncommon well got up, the one with the pearls, I mean. Just allow
+me to have a look, gov'ner, I'll be back in a twinkling.
+
+_Exit, C., and off, R._
+
+DE W. (L.) Exuberant--unsophisticated creature!
+
+WHITE. Oh, perfectly unsophisticated! I only wish he had not fixed on
+the only head dress in the room that gives a notion of positive value?
+No, no, I must not hesitate any longer. Look here, my dear, sir, you
+are a man of heart--I may say, a noble creature--and it's one of the
+specific weaknesses of noble creatures, to fancy everybody else as
+noble as themselves. Now, suppose this favourite of yours, this
+Pawkins, were really a little light fingered; suppose the dazzling
+brilliancy of one of your table spoons caused him to forget the
+distinction between _meum_ and _tuum_. Under these painful
+circumstances, what would you say?
+
+DE W. I should say that you were the most lying humbug I ever clapped
+eyes on.
+
+WHITE. Heyday! Why?
+
+DE W. Why, didn't you stand up before the judge and jury, and bellow
+out your belief in that man's immaculate virtue. Did you not clap your
+hand on your heart, and declare that our country might be proud of
+such a citizen; and St. Giles's in the Fields proud of such a
+parishioner? Did not you cause me to blubber aloud, till I was turned
+ignominiously out of court, as a charity boy is kicked out by a
+beadle? And am I to understand that all that rhodomontade, followed by
+that expulsion, was for the sake of a pickpocket? Abominable!
+Disgusting!
+
+WHITE. But surely, you understand, my dear sir, that when one speaks
+professionally----
+
+DE W. Sir, no one has business to tell lies, professionally or not; a
+man should always speak what he thinks. I follow the dictates of my
+heart, and I always speak what I think; my heart is in my heart, and
+my heart is in my mouth.
+
+WHITE. What a complicated piece of anatomy you must be.
+
+DE W. I say, my heart is in my mouth.
+
+WHITE. Then I wish you would swallow it, and say no more about it.
+
+DE W. Yes, I dare say you think that a very good joke, but what I am
+going to tell you is no joke. If Pawkins is a thief, you shan't have
+my daughter, and Tango shall.
+
+WHITE. Monstrous!
+
+DE W. Not at all, I give you my girl because I regard you as a noble
+defender of persecuted innocence; but if persecuted innocence turns
+out to be a low pilfering scoundrel, I naturally retract.
+
+WHITE. But, my dear, sir, the doctrine you so strangely maintain is
+diametrically opposed to the very principles of British jurisprudence.
+It is one of the high privileges of our blessed country, and of
+several others, that even the vilest and meanest criminal is allowed a
+professional defender in the courts of justice.
+
+DE W. Sir, it is one of the high privileges of our blessed country,
+and of several others, that a man need not give away his daughter
+where he don't like.
+
+WHITE. But, sir, by virtue of my profession I am positively bound
+to----
+
+DE W. Well, I don't say you're not. But an honest man, sir, should
+have nothing to do with clients that don't come into court with clean
+hands.
+
+WHITE. My dear Mr. De Windsor, borrow a little wisdom from your own
+business. If everybody had clean hands, what would become of the soap
+trade?
+
+DE W. Go, go, and defend every pickpocket, forger, coiner,
+housebreaker, in London. I don't want to hinder you, I only say that I
+won't give my daughter to a man who makes respectable people blubber
+till they are shoved out of court, on purpose to defeat the ends of
+justice.
+
+WHITE. Then, sir, I suppose, because he furthers the ends of justice,
+you would give your daughter to the hangman.
+
+DE W. (_puzzled_) Ahem! I shall not condescend to answer an argument
+so obviously sophistical. I only repeat what I said before. If Pawkins
+is a thief you sha'n't have my daughter.
+
+WHITE. (_aside_) Reason is wasted on this old blockhead! I must try
+another tack. (_aloud_) Ah, you have passed nobly through the ordeal.
+Just to sound you I hinted at the remote possibility of Pawkins'
+guilt, but he is in point of fact, as we both know, innocent as the
+babe unborn. Did not the jury say so? However, ta, ta! for the
+present, sir. (_aside_) I must look out, egad! I was only retained as
+the rascal's counsel, but I find I am his bail.
+
+_Exit, C., off L._
+
+DE W. I'm sure he spoke of five small children! No; decidedly this
+legal morality won't suit me. No, no--no barrister for me--decidedly a
+stockjobber!
+
+_Enter THWAITES, C., from R._
+
+THWAITES. Please, sir, the parties which is in t'other room can't get
+on without you.
+
+DE W. I'm coming! Bull and bears have the day!
+
+_Exit, C., and off, R., followed by THWAITES._
+
+_Re-enter WHITEWASH, dragging PAWKINS by the collar, from L. C._
+
+PAWKINS. (L.) Come now, I say, draw it mild! You'll spile my best
+coat; I only took it out a purpose to come here.
+
+WHITE. (R.) Pawkins, we are alone--Pawkins, as your professional
+adviser, you are bound to tell me everything. Pawkins, when you came
+here, what was your intention?
+
+PAWKINS. Why, I com'd here in the hope of doing something in the way
+of business.
+
+WHITE. Business, indeed! Why, there were all the streets of London
+open to your ingenuity, and you must pick out the residence of my
+father-in-law. (_takes stage to R._)
+
+PAWKINS. (_following him up_) Well, I didn't know it was your
+father-in-law--and if it is, what's the hodds? This 'ere Mr.--summat
+in the fancy soap line, sends me a hinwite, and so I comes with the
+tongs in my pocket--well, it turns out he don't want the tongs, but
+he's taken a likin' to me. That arn't no fault o' mine is it? I never
+tries to be extra agreeable. (_returns to C. of stage_)
+
+WHITE. (_aside_) Perhaps the miserable wretch has commenced already.
+What have you been doing with yourself?
+
+PAWKINS. Why, I've been a looking at them silver gimcracks on the
+sideboard, and I says to myself--my eyes! if one of them five
+thingumbobs as don't seem no use here belonged to me----
+
+WHITE. (_aside_) Unhappy train of thought! Allow me for a
+moment----(_puts his hand in the tail pocket of PAWKINS'S coat_)
+
+PAWKINS. What are you about?
+
+WHITE. Professional! professional!
+
+PAWKINS. Well, I always heerd you lawyers was tidy uns for putting
+your hands in people's pockets.
+
+WHITE. (_pulls out tongs_) What's this? a spoon!
+
+PAWKINS. You're a spoon yourself! It's the tongs.
+
+WHITE. For a wonder he speaks the truth. Now mark, I'm your
+professional adviser, and I advise you to be off as soon as you can.
+
+PAWKINS. Well, I don't mind; I've seen all there is to be seen, and it
+arn't half so good as skittles. Between you and I, the gov'ner here
+seems to have laid out a precious sight of money for werry little fun.
+
+_Enter DE WINDSOR, R. C., and down, L._
+
+WHITE. (R.) Go, cut short your moral reflections, and go! (_pushing
+PAWKINS towards C._)
+
+DE W. Why, Mr. Pawkins, what's the cause of this singular hurry?
+
+PAWKINS. (_returns to C._) Well, I don't know; you see, I felt I was
+somehow in the way like. Nobody says nuffin to me, and I say nuffin to
+nobody.
+
+WHITE. (R.) Besides, an affair of the most pressing importance.
+
+DE W. Very pressing, indeed! Humbug! You'll stop supper, my dear Mr.
+Pawkins?
+
+PAWKINS. (C.) Oh, well, if there's anything in the way o' wittles a
+coming, that alters the view of the case.
+
+DE W. The supper will be served in silver plate,--in silver--in
+silver.
+
+PAWKINS. What, real silver? like that out there? Don't bother
+yourself, gov'ner, I'll stop.
+
+DE W. (_aside_) Ha! ha! I've tickled my trout!
+
+WHITE. (_aside, R._) The old gent is playing against me, that's
+certain.
+
+_Re-enter THWAITES, C., with a tray of ices._
+
+DE W. (L.) Thwaites!
+
+THWAITES. (_coming down L. C._) At your service, sir.
+
+(_THWAITES hands tray to PAWKINS, who first takes an ice, then a
+spoon, and eats during the following scene_)
+
+DE W. (_drawing THWAITES aside, L._) You observe that person?
+
+THWAITES. Yes, sir: I don't think him much 'count, sir.
+
+DE W. If that man steals anything, you shall have a couple of
+sovereigns.
+
+THWAITES. No!
+
+DE W. Spread out the plate as much as you can, give him every
+opportunity.
+
+WHITE. (_R., beckons THWAITES to him, at back_) Here, waiter!
+
+THWAITES. (_going to WHITEWASH at back, R. C._) Yes, sir!
+
+WHITE. If that fellow with the ice leaves the house without stealing
+anything, there's a five pound note for you. (_to THWAITES_)
+
+(_DE WINDSOR walks round and round PAWKINS, with handkerchief dangling
+from his pocket, during dialogue_)
+
+THWAITES. The deuce!
+
+WHITE. And do your best to keep the plate as much out of his reach as
+possible.
+
+THWAITES. Can't be done, sir; can't be done. Gov'ner orders the
+contrary.
+
+PAWKINS. I can't make him out!
+
+WHITE. Here, Pawkins, my good fellow, how do you like your ice?
+
+PAWKINS. First rate! Beats the penny un's all to shivers!
+
+WHITE. Ha! ha! But now you have finished it, you have no occasion for
+the spoon. (_takes it_)
+
+(_THWAITES on the other side takes empty glass from PAWKINS, and exit
+C._)
+
+PAWKINS. I can't make him out!
+
+WHITE. (_aside_) I'll stick to him like a leech!
+
+_Enter AGATHA, C. from L. and down R._
+
+AGATHA. (R.) Mr. Whitewash, have you forgotten your engagement, the
+first quadrille? Oh, fie! fie! they are waiting!
+
+WHITE. (R. C.) I'm sure I beg a thousand pardons, but you see just at
+this moment----(_pockets the spoon_)
+
+PAWKINS. I can't make any on 'em out!
+
+WHITE. (_whispers PAWKINS_) If so much as a salt-spoon is missing you
+are a dead man!
+
+_Exeunt WHITEWASH and AGATHA, C., off L._
+
+PAWKINS. (R. C.) I say, gov'ner, about our young friend here; when
+he's on the spree like, as he is now, don't you think he's a bit
+cranky? Do you think all's right here? (_touching his head_) If I
+behaved like that to my young woman, wouldn't there be a row neither.
+
+DE W. (_aside_) Ha! the card table! A trap I didn't think of! I say,
+Mr. Pawkins, have you any objection to a hand at cards?
+
+PAWKINS. Not a bit on it.
+
+DE W. Of course you play ecarté?
+
+PAWKINS. Of course I don't; I never heerd on it.
+
+DE W. Well--cribbage?
+
+PAWKINS. I knows nuffin of cribbage.
+
+DE W. Picquet?
+
+PAWKINS. Eh?
+
+DE W. Picquet?
+
+PAWKINS. Pick hay? I knows nuffin about pick hay; I was werry nigh
+being sent to pick oakum!
+
+DE W. Well, what shall we play? Suppose we cut for a shilling a game.
+
+PAWKINS. A shilling! Come! I was thinking of a fourpenny bit; but
+there's nothing like pluck. I say, I hopes you keeps your temper when
+you loses, for I give you fair warning, I shan't let you go till I've
+got something out of you.
+
+DE W. Affected candour! but it won't do.
+
+(_they go up to table, L.--DE WINDSOR takes cards out of drawers of
+table and they sit--DE WINDSOR, L. and PAWKINS, R., and they begin
+cutting cards--staking money as they play._
+
+PAWKINS. Well, you are a going it, you are--(_plays again--aside_)
+Gov'ner can't be coming the old soldier! Oh, it's a do and no mistake!
+I must have a eye on this old bird.
+
+_Enter WHITEWASH, C. from L._
+
+WHITE. Thank heaven I'm free again! What! cards! the devil! (_steals
+up to table, and whispers to PAWKINS_) Lose!
+
+PAWKINS. Eh?
+
+WHITE. (R.) Lose, I say.
+
+PAWKINS. (C.) Hang it. I have!
+
+DE W. (_sees WHITEWASH--aside_) Oh! I see, the rascal's had his cue.
+
+PAWKINS. There, I shan't play any more; you've got your three bob, and
+if ever you catch me at it again, it'll do you good. (_rises and goes
+forward--aside to WHITEWASH_) One good turn deserves another, I'll
+give you an 'int. Don't let the old gov'ner there get you down to
+cards, he's a downy 'un, he is!
+
+DE W. Let me see. (_rings money on table_) No! nothing wrong! I have
+not caught him yet!
+
+_Enter THWAITES, C. from L., announcing._
+
+THWAITES. (C.) Mr. Ferguson.
+
+_Enter FERGUSON, C. from L., DE WINDSOR goes up to C. door to meet
+him._
+
+PAWKINS. It's a gent as knows more about me than I want. (_goes across
+to R. for umbrella_)
+
+WHITE. (R. C.) Ah! the owner of some stray pocket handkerchief! Make a
+rush at the door!
+
+PAWKINS. (_crosses to L. D._) Bolted, by jingo!
+
+WHITE. This last stroke will finish me!
+
+DE W. (_coming down, R. C._) Allow me, my dear, Mr. Ferguson, to
+introduce you to my intended son-in-law.
+
+FERGUS. (_down R._) Sir, allow me to congwatulate you on your vewy
+interwesting position.
+
+DE W. Mr. Whitewash, sir, is one of the brightest ornaments of the
+legal profession, and this gentleman is one of his most ornamental
+clients.
+
+FERGUS. Vewy much delighted. (_bowing to PAWKINS_) Heyday! Here is
+certainly a party who has taken me by surpwise.
+
+DE W. What do you mean?
+
+FERGUS. I mean that a certain party, a fwiend of mine, found that
+party (_pointing to PAWKINS_) in his cupboard, at thwee o'clock in the
+morning.
+
+DE W. (R. C.) All right! You are quite sure of your man?
+
+FERGUS. (R.) Oh, perfectly! (_aside_) Seeing that the fwiend was
+myself. (_goes up a little_)
+
+DE W. (_rubs his hands_) Capital! capital! Tango wins the day!
+
+WHITE. (_seated, L. C._) Father-in-law looks pleased--that's unlucky.
+(_rises_)
+
+DE W. Come here, my orator! come here, my Cicero! I've a bit of news
+for you;--Tango will have my daughter--ha, ha, ha! (_pokes WHITEWASH
+in the ribs_)
+
+WHITE. (L. C.) What, sir! you, a man of heart, who have given your
+word to me----
+
+DE W. Yes, if Pawkins turned out all right; but he don't--he don't--he
+don't--ha, ha, ha!
+
+WHITE. Mr. De Windsor, allow me to remark, that an innocent man's
+character is not to be impugned without sufficient ground. Come here,
+Pawkins. (_whispers to him, "Brazen it out"_) Pawkins, a malignant
+slanderer says you are fishy, but you ain't, are you?
+
+PAWKINS. (L.) Not as I am aware on.
+
+DE W. Then, most respectable Mr. Pawkins, what were you doing in a
+certain cupboard at three o'clock in the morning?
+
+WHITE. Ha! the case is desperate, and a desperate effort must be made.
+
+_AGATHA and several GUESTS enter from L. C., and form an AUDIENCE, R._
+
+Listen, all parties present.
+
+DE W. (R. C.) Well, talk away, and make the best of it.
+
+WHITE. Look at the face of this worthy man. Pawkins, get into the
+dock! (_places him on chair, L., and turns another chair round to lean
+on, &c._) Examine every lineament.
+
+PAWKINS. (_on chair, L._) Come, come, you do make one look such a
+fool!
+
+WHITE. (L. C.) Believe me, this excellent man is one of those rare
+natures that are seldom to be found. Ask the independent electors of
+Marylebone, whom they would place in the van.
+
+PAWKINS. I've been in the wan!
+
+WHITE. Whom they would place in the van as the staunchest champion of
+their interests. They will answer Pawkins! Ask the poor----(_takes
+tongs from his own pocket_)
+
+PAWKINS. Them's my tongs!
+
+WHITE. (_throws them on table_) Ask the poor--the suffering poor--whom
+they regard as their kindest benefactor. They will answer--Pawkins.
+(_aside to him_) Cry!
+
+PAWKINS. I can't! I say, ain't you pitching it raither too strong!
+
+WHITE. They say we were found in a cupboard at three o'clock in the
+morning. Well, we admit the trivial fact, we were in the cupboard.
+
+PAWKINS. No, no, no!
+
+WHITE. Though we have every high virtue, we are still but human; we
+have hearts not altogether unsusceptible to female beauty. (_FERGUSON
+comes forward, R., in great agitation_) Do you now persist in asking
+why we were in the cupboard? Well, then, we were there for the sake of
+one of the fair sex.
+
+FERGUS. But, sir, there is a husband----
+
+PAWKINS. Now he's done it!
+
+WHITE. A husband! Do you call that a husband? As Mr. Justice Blesswell
+remarked in the great divorce case of Martyr _v._ Bangwife--such a
+wretch is not worthy the name of a husband. A man who indulges in
+large potations--comes home at little hours--and is limited in his
+notions of crinoline! (_bangs chair during speech, then turns it and
+sits_)
+
+PAWKINS. He'll smash that ere chair!
+
+FERGUS. But, sir, I'm the husband----
+
+WHITE. (_rises and goes to PAWKINS_) That's awkward!
+
+PAWKINS. Yes; it is awkward!
+
+WHITE. But we won't flinch! Mr. De Windsor, I must say your society is
+not the most select. (_pulls chair from under PAWKINS_)
+
+FERGUS. (_crossing to L., and collaring PAWKINS_) And now, you
+villain--you destwoyer of my domestic peace--what have you to say for
+yourself?
+
+PAWKINS. Why, I cannot say nuffing, while you goes on choking me like
+that! (_FERGUSON lets go_) That's better! Well, then, I didn't have no
+thoughts about Mrs. Ferguson--Mrs. Ferguson don't come up to my hideas
+of female beauty. (_snaps his fingers_) That for Mrs. Ferguson! If you
+will tear from me the secrets of my 'art, I com'd arter Jemima, Mrs.
+Ferguson's young 'oman--there, now, ye knows all about it. I've told
+the truth, and I can shame--Ferguson!
+
+THWAITES. (_comes forward, L._) So, Mr. Pawkins, it was Mrs.
+Ferguson's Jemima, was it? Are you aware, sir, that I pay my
+attentions in that quarter? Are you aware that I'm Thwaites?
+
+PAWKINS. Are you, indeed?--who says you ain't? There ain't no
+advantage in being Thwaites, as I sees--I don't want to be Thwaites.
+You're one of them swells as takes out a young 'oman on a holiday, and
+grumbles at the expense all the blessed way there, and all the blessed
+way back;--you prefers the ha'penny boat to the penny, and you prefers
+walking to heither. Thwaites, you ain't the favored man, so drop Miss
+Jemima;--I don't say what I'll do if you don't--but just take an 'int,
+and drop Miss Jemima.
+
+(_AGATHA and DE WINDSOR come forward, R._)
+
+AGATHA. (R.) Really, papa, this is an extremely vulgar scene, at our
+party.
+
+DE W. (R. C.) Disgustingly so, my dear--but join the guests, and make
+the best of it. (_AGATHA retires up_)
+
+WHITE. (_coming forward, C._) Well, father-in-law, I hope you are
+satisfied now!
+
+DE W. Mr. Pawkins, I have an apology to make to you--you'll think it
+very absurd--but I--I--ha, ha!--I scarcely know how to express it--but
+I actually took you for a thief!
+
+PAWKINS. (L. C.) You ain't the first, else I shouldn't have been tried
+at the Hold Bailey this morning. Look ye--a fellow chucks a watch into
+my umbrella----
+
+WHITE. (C.) Yes, yes, we know all about that; besides, you are
+completely cleared.
+
+DE W. (R.) Perfectly; your character is as cloudless as a fine day in
+July, and I am about to give you the most convincing proof of my
+confidence.
+
+PAWKINS. (_aside_) He's going to ask me to shave him!
+
+DE W. (_crossing to C._) I have long been looking out for a man of
+indubitable integrity, to act as my cashier; I keep nearly the whole
+of my fortune locked up in a strong box, so I may as well give you the
+key now. (_about to give key, WHITEWASH hastily comes between them_)
+
+WHITE. (_C., intercepting_) No! no! what are you about? A thief!--a
+common pickpocket!
+
+DE W. (R.) Ha, ha! victory!--you admit it, do you?
+
+(_retires to GUESTS, R._)
+
+WHITE. (_aside_) Caught, by all that's unlucky!
+
+PAWKINS. (L.) Come, I say, master, this 'ere won't do: when I looks
+black, you makes me white; and when I'm whitened, you makes me black:
+I've a jolly good mind to----
+
+WHITE. Oh, go to the devil!
+
+_Enter THWAITES, C. from L., with a letter._
+
+THWAITES. (_to WHITEWASH_) Please, sir, a knowin' party, as calls
+himself your clerk, has brought this. (_gives letter to WHITEWASH;
+WHITEWASH opens letter at first with indifference, but proceeds to
+read with eagerness; DE WINDSOR, AGATHA, and FERGUSON come forward,
+R._)
+
+DE W. (R. C.) My dear, this matter is settled; you shall be the wife
+of Mr. Tango.
+
+AGATHA. (R.) La, papa! how shocking!
+
+FERGUS. (_coming down R._) I beg your pardon; you don't mean Tom
+Tango, of the Stock Exchange?
+
+DE W. Yes, I do.
+
+AGATHA. Then you haven't heard the news: he was declared a defaulter
+this vewy afternoon.
+
+DE W. The devil! One swindles--another tells lies: where can I find an
+honest man?
+
+WHITE. (_rises, having been seated while reading letter_) Here!
+(_leading PAWKINS forward_) Look at that face--and read that letter?
+(_gives it_) The sum and substance of it is this: A notorious
+pickpocket has just been arrested, and retains me for the
+defence--confessing that he threw the watch into Pawkins' umbrella.
+
+PAWKINS. Does he? Then there's some good in the waggerbone after all.
+
+DE W. Well,--as a barrister who twaddles, is better than a stock
+jobber who waddles--here's my daughter. (_joins the hands of WHITEWASH
+and AGATHA_)
+
+PAWKINS. Ah! werry good! Jines hands and gives the paternal blessing!
+All right and proper! But wot good comes to me on it all? It strikes
+me you are a rum lot--you are. There's this 'ere wenerable party--(DE
+WINDSOR) asks me to 'is house--gives me a hice, which doesn't agree
+with me, and does me out o' three bob at cards! Here's another chap
+(FERGUSON) as talks as if he had gooseberries in his mouth, and tries
+to stop my windpipe. Then here's a sort o' costermonger in disguise
+(THWAITES) as interferes with my young 'oman.--And here--(WHITEWASH)
+here's the wust villain on 'em all. Ladies and gents, if I'm in any
+trouble touching your good-will--him's the party you must pitch
+into--cos vy? Don't you see? He's retained for the defence.
+
+WHITE. That won't do! I haven't had a refresher.
+
+PAWKINS. Haven't you? Then take your refresher there--(_pointing to
+AUDIENCE_) that's my refresher. Give me them 'ere parties on my side,
+and hang me if I'll want any defence at all!
+
+FERGUS.   DE W.   AGATHA.   WHITE.   PAWKINS.   THWAITES.
+   R.                                               L.
+
+Curtain.
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note
+
+This transcription is based on images digitized by Google from a copy
+made available by the University of Illinois and posted by the
+HathiTrust at:
+
+     catalog.hathitrust.org/Record/100213071
+
+In general, this transcription attempts to retain the punctuation and
+spelling of the source text. A few changes were made for the sake of
+consistency and to correct minor errors.
+
+The following changes were noted:
+
+- p. 2: Changed the name "Fergusson" in both the character list and
+the costume notes to "Ferguson" to be consistent with how the name is
+spelled elsewhere in the text.
+
+- p. 5: WHITE. (L. C.) Most acutely! _wringing his hand_)--Inserted
+an opening parenthesis before "_wringing_".
+
+- p. 11: (_some of the COMPANY pass across at back of C. doors, from,
+L. to R._)--Deleted the comma after "_from_".
+
+- p. 14: DE W. (_aside_) Why, Mr. Pawkins, what's the cause of this
+singular hurry?--Pawkins' and Whitewash's subsequent lines indicate
+that both hear De Windsor. Therefore, the direction indicating that
+this line is an aside was deleted.
+
+- p. 17: Gov'nor can't be coming the old soldier!--Changed "Gov'nor"
+to "Gov'ner" for consistency.
+
+- p. 18: Tango will have my daughter. ha, ha, ha!--Changed the period
+after "daughter" to an em dash.
+
+- p. 18: Mr. De Winter, allow me to remark--Changed "De Winter" to
+"De Windsor" for consistency.
+
+- p. 19: They say we were found in a cupboard at three o' clock in
+the morning.--Deleted the space before "clock" for consistency.
+
+Note that Thwaites re-enters on p. 21 when he delivers a letter to
+Whitewash, but there is no stage direction for Thwaites to exit after
+Pawkins tells him to "drop Miss Jemima" on p. 20. He could exit either
+at the end of Pawkins' speech or when De Windsor apologizes to
+Pawkins.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Retained for the Defence, by John Oxenford
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 49296 ***