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diff --git a/old/47559-8.txt b/old/47559-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 5f042a6..0000000 --- a/old/47559-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,5452 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Prude's Progress, by -Jerome K. Jerome and Eden Phillpotts - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: The Prude's Progress - A Comedy in Three Acts - -Author: Jerome K. Jerome - Eden Phillpotts - -Release Date: December 6, 2014 [EBook #47559] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PRUDE'S PROGRESS *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by Google Books - - - - - - - -THE PRUDE'S PROGRESS - -A Comedy - -In Three Acts - -By Jerome K. Jerome and Eden Phillpotts - -London: - -Chatto & Windus - -1895 - -PERSONS IN THE PLAY. - -Jack Medbury - -Ted Morris. - -Adam Cherry, - -Theodore Travers - -Ben Dixon L.C.C., M.V.A. - -Footman. - -Mrs. Wheedles - -Nelly Morris. - -Primrose Deane - -Mrs. Ben Dixon - -THE PRUDE'S PROGRESS. - - - - -THE FIRST ACT. - -_The scene represents a room high up in a Bloomsbury lodging-house. It -is poorly, but not sordidly, furnished; and here and there are touches -of taste, and some attempt at comfort. Nelly Morris, a young girl, -dressed in a very old frock, the shabbiness of which she has attempted -to hide by various feminine devices, is discovered sitting L. of table. -A pile of medical books, topped by a skull, faces her. She is sitting -with her elbows on table, her head in her hands, looking up at, and -talking to, the skull._ - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Did you ever know what it was to be poor-real poor I mean? Do you know -what Ted and I have got for dinner? Three sausages between us! That's -one and a half--no, two for him because he's working, and one for me. -And do you know what I am longing for more than anything else in the -world? A great plate of roast beef--heaps of beef--and Yorkshire -pudding and potatoes--large potatoes. (_Sniffs in the air._) Did -you ever feel like that? Did _you_ ever try studying for an exam, on -bread-and-butter for breakfast, bread-and-butter for dinner (when it -won't run to the sausages), and bread, without butter, for supper, like -poor Ted has to? Do you think he'll be able to learn enough on it to -pass? Do you? (_Breaking down._) Ah! you only grin at it all. 'Tis -funny, isn't it? (_Laughing hysterically._) I suppose we shall grin at -it all when we are as old as you. - -(_The door at back opens, and Mrs. Wheedles, an old lady of the Mrs. -Gummidge type, enters. Nelly hastily wipes away her tears._) - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -Oh! my dear, you gave me quite a turn. I made sure you'd got someone -here. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Only old Tapley, Mrs. Wheedles. I talk to him about my worries and he -teaches me to laugh at them. Do you see how he's smiling? (_Takes skull -and shows its face to Mrs Wheedles._) - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -(_Pushing it away._) Oh, my dear, don't. You make me feel quite creepy. -I do wish your brother wouldn't leave his bones about as he does. It's -really hardly decent. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -We'll put something over him. (_Takes the skull to mantelpiece and ties -pocket-handkerchief round it._) You are shocking the susceptibilities of -the British Matron, Mr. Tapley. You must be dressed. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -He doesn't look very well to-day, does he? - -NELLY MORRIS. - -What, Mr. Tapley? Oh, much the same as---- - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -Lor', no, my dear! how your mind does run on that nasty things I was -speaking of your brother. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -You don't think he's going to break down? - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -Oh no, my dear--at least we'll hope for the best. He seemed a bit pale, -that's all. - -(_Nelly takes books from the table and puts them away in case, and in -other ways tidies up the room while talking._) - -NELLY MORRIS. - -He's working so hard you see--so terribly hard. He'll be able to rest a -bit when he's passed his exam. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -Yes, of course--that is if he does pass it. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Don't say "if," Mrs. Wheedles, please. You don't know what it means to -us. He must pass--he must. He's worked so hard. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -Ah, it's never those who know the most that do pass. I've had a few -medicos, as they call themselves, through my hands, and it's always the -ones that will never know the difference between croup and rheumatism -that get through. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -I'm afraid that doesn't promise very well for Ted. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -No, my dear, I am sorely afraid he won't pass--sorely afraid. But there, -you can never tell, and one should always look on the bright side of -things, they say. (_Beginning to cry._) - -NELLY MORRIS. - -You don't help one to do so very much, Mrs. Wheedles. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -I never like to see anyone too sanguine, my dear. He doesn't eat enough -to keep himself well, and you won't let me send a little bit of anything -up now and then. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -How can we, you kind old soul, when we owe you as much as we do already? -And Heaven knows how we shall ever be able to pay you if he doesn't -pass. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -Ah, you don't like to feel that you owe anything to a poor old -lodging-house keeper. I only wish all of them were as considerate. I'd -be better off than I am. But suppose, now, it didn't come out of my -pocket, but from someone who could well afford it--who--was rich--and -who---- - -NELLY MORRIS. - -What do you mean, Mrs. Wheedles? Have you been telling anyone of our -poverty? Have you been asking for charity for us? - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -Lord help the child, no! How you do flare up. I haven't said a word to -anyone. (_Aside._) That's the truth anyhow. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Please forgive me. I didn't mean to be cross. I know how kindly you -meant it, but you don't understand. We're not so very poor, you know. -Ted can't work if he eats heavily, and----(_Turns away, choking a sob._) - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -Ah, poor dears--and both as proud as lucifers, so that nobody can help -'em. Ah, well, my dear, I only just looked in to cheer you up a bit. -There's nothing I can do for you, I suppose? - -NELLY MORRIS. - -No, thank you, Mrs. Wheedles. I'll get you to let Martha boil me a few -potatoes later on. - -(_Knock heard at door, which Mrs. Wheedles has left open._) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Looking in_.) Can I come in? - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -It's Mr. Cherry, my dear. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Oh yes, come in, Mr. Cherry. - -(_Enter Cherry. He is a dapper little man of about fifty-five, but -dresses, and tries to look younger. He carries a book in his hand which -he seems anxious to keep out of sight._) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Ah, Mrs. Wheedles, you here? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_He looks from one to the other._) I suppose you've been cheering up -Miss Morris? - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -(_Crying._) Yes, Mr. Cherry. I just looked in to comfort her a bit, you -know. I'm sure the poor child needs it. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Ah, I'll tell you what it is, Mrs. Wheedles. Wheedles must have had a -damp time of it. I don't wonder at his leaving you. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Oh, do you think it wise to start her on Wheedles? - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -I don't expect anyone to, Mr. Cherry, I'm sure. He was a fine-looking -man, and there were those that lured him away. Not that I think it right -that a man who's once promised to---- - -ADAM CHERRY. - -No, no! of course not! I didn't mean that. He was a villain, Mrs. -Wheedles--a villain. (_He bustles her, still crying, towards the door._) - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -No, I won't say that. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Oh, I would, Mrs. Wheedles, if I were you. Only I'd go downstairs where -I could have a good cry about it all to myself, and not come up again -till I felt better. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -Ah, no, Mr. Cherry, crying won't mend matters. We must grin and bear -things in this world. (_She is still crying._) You bring down those -potatoes whenever you're ready, dear. (_She goes off crying._) - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Thank you, Mrs. Wheedles. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_He closes the door and returns to Nelly._) That woman never wants to -go to the seaside, you know. She has a salt-water bath every day. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Poor old soul. I think she gets all her enjoyment out of being -miserable. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Yes, and you can't say she's selfish with it either. Oh, I just came up -to bring you this (_showing book in his hand_)--"Gray's Anatomy." I came -across it in turning over some old books of mine. It's--it's the book -your brother was saying he wanted, isn't it? - -NELLY MORRIS. - -(Smiling as she looks at the palpably new volume.) You keep your "old -books" nice and clean, Mr. Cherry. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_A little confused._) Yes. I--I'm very careful of my books. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -(_Opening and reading title-page._) Tenth edition, London, 1893. (_She -goes up to him, and without speakings gives him her hand very quietly. -He takes it in both his and pats it gently._) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -How is Ted? - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Very overworked, Mr. Cherry. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Ah, well, the examination is only six weeks off now, and then he must -have a long rest. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Yes, if he passes; if he doesn't, it means the old struggle all over -again, only with less heart and (_Aside_) less bread-and-butter. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Ah, now, that old woman has been doing that. You mustn't _think_ about -his not passing. He's _bound_ to pass. I do wish she'd keep downstairs. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Oh, it's better to be ready to face a thing, I suppose, than to be -crushed by it when it does come. There are plenty do fail, and they are -not always those that deserve to. And you see he's not strong and well -just now, and it is such a hard fight. (_Vehemently_) Oh, if I could -only do something to help him instead of being a drag upon him. It is -so hard. Other girls can earn money--I haven't been brought up to do -anything. There's nothing I can do--nothing, nothing. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Earnestly_.) Nothing! (_Nelly, startled by his earnest tone, turns and -looks at him._) Suppose, my dear, there--there was something you could -do--which would enable somebody else to help him--something which -mightn't even be very unpleasant for you, either, and that only wanted a -kind, loving, little heart. Suppose, my dear, some old fellow--not -very old, you know, but just old enough to--to know your value, my -dear--should say to you: I love you very, very dearly, my dear--and it -would make me very, very happy to make you happy. Will you try to -love me, my dear? Will you give me the right to--to take away all this -trouble from you--to--to help you both. (_Nelly slowly crosses to fire, -and stands looking into it._) Don't you see, my dear I should be one of -the family, and he couldn't mind my helping him then. You see--I--I've -been working all my life, and making money, and now I've no one that I -care for to spend it on. It would be so pleasant for me to--to feel that -I was helping some brave, clever young fellow to get on in the world. It -would make me so proud and happy to be helping those you cared for--to -be taking care of you. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -(_She still looks into fire and Cherry stands waiting At length she -turns with a calm face and firm, closed lips._) Yes, I will be your -wife, Mr. Cherry--if you will be content with me as I am. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -My dear---- - -NELLY MORRIS. - -You don't misunderstand me, do you Mr. Cherry? You have been the only -friend that we have had, and I like you and respect you very, very much, -but I do not---- - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Checking her_.) Never mind that, my dear. I know what you are going to -say. But don't say it. That will come all right. Why, you've only known -me six months, and half that time as only as Mrs. Wheedles' first floor -lodger. I must win that, my dear. Oh, I'm going to begin to make love -now; I'm not so very old, you know. Why, bless you, I feel as if I were -just beginning life. We shall be as happy as can be, my dear. You'll -just try to love me a little, dear, that's all. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -I'll try to make you a good wife, Mr. Cherry. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -I know you will, my dear. I know you will. Won't you call me Adam, dear? -(_Seeing her trouble over this._) Ah, not just yet--never mind. It will -come in time, dear. And I may begin to make things a little smoother for -you--and--and for Ted at once, mayn't I? - -NELLY MORRIS. - -(_A little wearily_.) Yes, Mr. Cherry, thank you. You are very kind and -good. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Tut, tut, my dear. I'm pleasing myself, that's all. And now you'd like -me to run away, I know, so that you can think it all over by yourself. I -can't tell you, my dear, how very happy you've made me. I--I never felt -like this before, and I don't know what to say. I can feel it, but I -can't tell it to you. May I----? (_She involuntarily shrinks away_.) -Ah, not yet, dear--not till you've learnt to love me a little more, eh? -(_Kisses her hand_.) Good-bye for a little while, my dear. (_He goes -out._) - -NELLY MORRIS. - -(_Left alone, she stands for awhile where he has left her, then, slouly -crossing to fire, she takes from round her neck a locket, and, opening -it, takes out a small picture and looks at it._) Poor Jack! Poor me! - -(_She tears the miniature in two and lets the pieces fall into the fire. -Ted's voice is faintly heard, and Jack's in answer to it. Nelly goes out -L., closing door behind her and taking her work-box off table with her. -There is a moment's pause, and then door at back opens and Ted enters, -followed by Jack. They are both young fellows of three or four and -twenty. Both are poorly dressed, Ted is ill and worn looking, but gay -and boyish in his manner; Jack is an older and graver man. Both men are -smoking pipes._) - -TED MORRIS. - -Come in, old man. (_Calling_.) Are you in, Nelly? - -NELLY MORRIS. - -(_Calling from the inner room._) Yes, I'll be out in a minute, dear. - -TED MORRIS. - -Take your coat off, old man. You'll stop and have a bit of lunch? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -No, I won't, Ted, thanks--can't stop. Oughtn't to have come out at -all--clear morning like this. - -TED MORRIS. - -(_At cupboard._) Oh you can't be always at work. Have some whiskey? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Well, just a----(_Sees that bottle in Ted's hand is empty._) No--no I -won't. Can't stand it in the morning. - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Much relieved, puts bottle away._) Perhaps you're right. Bad habit to -get into. How's the picture getting on? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Which one? That churchyard thing? - -TED MORRIS. - -No, no,--the big one--the Enid and Geraint. Ought to make a very pretty -picture that, Jack. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Yes--yes. I should like to be getting on with that. I want a face for -the Enid, you know. - -TED MORRIS. - -Yes, I should say she'd look all the better for one. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -I was wondering if Nelly would mind sitting for it. - -TED MORRIS. - -Nelly! But you want someone very beautiful for that, don't you? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Well, and don't you call---- No, you wouldn't, of course. I expect Helen -of Troy's brothers never could understand what Paris saw in her. - -TED MORRIS. - -Oh, she's a dear little soul; but, seriously now, Jack, as an artist, is -she beautiful? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Oh, you're a fool, Ted. I don't mean to be insulting. (_Laughs._) But -fancy your sitting opposite Nelly every day of your life, and then -asking somebody else "_If_ she's beautiful!" - -TED MORRIS. - -Um! I must have another look at her. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Yes, I should--with your eyes open on this occasion. Look at her -closely, Ted. You'll see one of the fairest, noblest little women God -ever made--who'd just lay down her life for you--who keeps a bonny face -and a brave word for you--and a sore heart for herself sometimes. Look -at her a little oftener, old man--let her see that you understand and -love her for it and--you don't mind my coming the family friend over -you, do you, old fellow? - -TED MORRIS. - -Of course not, Jack. But you've worried me about Nelly. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -How? - -TED MORRIS. - -Why, it never occurred to me before, but here---- - -Beautiful as you say she is, and just growing up into womanhood, I'll -just tell you what will be happening before long. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -What? - -TED MORRIS. - -Why, we shall have some young idiot falling in love with her. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Yes; it's not altogether impossible. - -TED MORRIS. - -It's not at all improbable--and what the deuce shall I do? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Oh, you come and tell me. I'll show you what to do. - -TED MORRIS. - -It's no chaffing matter, Jack. It's a serious responsibility upon a -fellow when you come to think of it. I'm beginning to understand the -feelings of a "stern parent." - -JACK MEDBURY. - -What sort of a fellow do you fancy for a brother-in-law? - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Laughs._) What _she_ fancies will be more to the point, I expect. You -know she's a bit headstrong; I'll tell you _who_ it will be. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -(_Quickly._) Who? - -TED MORRIS. - -Why some poor devil without a penny to bless himself with. You bet your -bottom dollar on that. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -And what do you intend saying to this impecunious suitor when he does -turn up? - -TED MORRIS. - -I must think it over seriously, and be prepared for him. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Better think it over now. - -TED MORRIS. - -Why? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -He may be down on you sooner than you expect. The truth is there's a -very impecunious young man very much in love with your sister already, -and I--I rather fancy she--she doesn't mind it. - -TED MORRIS. - -Oh! impossible. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -I don't quite see why. - -TED MORRIS. - -Why, she hasn't seen anybody for the last eighteen months. We never go -out, and there hasn't been a soul here--except yourself. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -And which do you consider as "impossible"--my falling in love with her, -or her not objecting to it? - -TED MORRIS. - -You? You and Nelly in love with each other? How long has it all been -going on? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Well, as far as I am concerned I don't think I lost much time since you -first brought me here last Christmas twelve-month. - -TED MORRIS. - -Funny I've never noticed anything. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Well, I don't really think it's been our fault, old man--'pon my soul, -I don't. - -TED MORRIS. - -Are you engaged? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -No, no, we shouldn't have done that without saying anything to you, but -I think we understand one another. - -TED MORRIS. - -Hum! I don't seem much good at this duenna business. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -It's not your strong point, Ted. (_Both men laugh._) Well, what do you -think, old fellow? I ought to have spoken to you before, of course. But -somehow it seemed odd talking to another fellow about it. You know all -about me. We are both a couple of poor devils. You're fighting the world -with bones and bottles; I'm tackling it with a paint-brush. If I get -licked, of course I shall clear out, but I shall daub a good deal better -if I fancy I see Nelly waiting for me behind the canvas, and I may win. -Come, you know I'll try to be good to her. What do you say? - -TED MORRIS. - -That it's the grandest bit of news I've heard, Jack, for many a long -month. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -You don't mind? - -I mind a good deal, old man--I can't tell you how much--I'm -glad--awfully glad. (_He puts both hands on Jack's shoulders._) - -Why, Jack, I feel as if I'd got a new heart in me. We'll put Nelly -between us, old man, and face the world together--and, damn it all, -we'll win! - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Brothers! - -TED MORRIS. - -Brothers! - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Thanks, old fellow, thanks. - -TED MORRIS. - -TED MORRIS. - -Jack! This demands a drink of some sort. Have you ever tackled -methylated spirit? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -No, I've heard of people drinking it. They say you can't tell it from -gin. - -TED MORRIS. - -Let's try it. It's the very best methylated, this brand. - -(_He goes up to cupboard and brings it down in two glasses. Jack at -the same time gets water from window-sill, and brings it and fills -glasses._) Shoulder to shoulder, old man. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -And our Nelly. - -(_A knock is heard at door. Both men pause and listen. Knock is -repeated. They put their glasses down on table._) - -TED MORRIS. - -Come in. - -(_Theodore Travers enters. He is a man about twenty-five, but looks any -age. He is well-dressed, well-groomed._) - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Good morning. Mr. Edward Morris, I believe? - -TED MORRIS. - -I--I don't think I have the pleasure of knowing you. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Not hitherto. I have come on purpose to remove that reproach from you. -I believe you have the distinction of being a cousin of mine. My name is -Travers--Theodore Travers. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -What, _the_ Theodore Travers? The author? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Well I know of no other. I rather think one of us is sufficient for -this sized world. (_Turns aside and writes covertly on his cuff._) Books -everywhere--microscope--smokes briar--shaves at intervals. - -TED MORRIS. - -Well, I'm very glad to see you, and I'm very glad to learn you're my -cousin, though I don't quite understand how. - -THEODORE. TRAVERS. - -(_Sitting_.) Don't you? Oh, it's simple enough. My mother having -accomplished the exceedingly satisfactory life's work of introducing -me into the world, dies, poor lady. My father, feeling the sole -responsibility of bringing up so extraordinary an infant as myself too -much for him, marries a charming lady of whom I have always very much -approved, a Miss Belinda Greggs, better known as Mdlle. Silvia, the -beauteous and world-renowned skipping-rope artiste. This lady, upon the -death of my father, marries your uncle. Thus Art becomes the golden link -connecting the Morris to the Travers family. (_About to drink from one -of the glasses._) Gin? - -TED MORRIS. - -No; an experiment. I don't fancy you'd care for it. (_Takes glasses away -and puts them back in cupboard._) O yes, I recollect now. Mrs. Ben Dixon -_was_ a Mrs. Travers, of course. (_Noticing that Theo is again writing -on his cuff._) Your cuff is getting rather full, isn't it? Don't you -carry a note-book? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Yes, but you know some people object to it, so I generally make short -memoranda on my cuff and copy them out afterwards. - -TED MORRIS. - -Very considerate of you, I'm sure. But don't you trouble about it in -this case. If you can make anything out of us you go ahead. It's more -than we can do ourselves. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -(_Takes out note-book_,) Well now, that's really very kind of you. I -will. To tell you the truth, that's partly why I came here. I'm giving -the medical students a turn in my next book, and I wanted to get -material. (_Writing._) Hard up, of course? (_Ted nods._) Loud tie. -(_Sniffs._) Shag! (_Turns to Jack._) Friend an artist? Also hard up? -Coloured shirt! - -JACK MEDBURY. - -They last clean so much longer than the white ones. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Quite so--blunt and careless. Gentleman on mantelpiece seems to be -suffering from toothache. - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Laughs._) Oh, that's Nelly's nonsense, I suppose. This is Mr. Tapley. -We call him Mr. Tapley because he is always so jolly. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -(_Shutting book._) Thanks. Now that will be really useful to me. You -see I'm a realist. We don't imagine, we study; the world's my scenery, -mankind my characters. I write as I run. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Do you ever get your head punched? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Did once. - -TED MORRIS. - -What did you do? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Made a note of the experience while it was fresh in my mind, and then -hit him back. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -You don't waste your experiences? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Never. Experience is the cypher that explains the universe. I've been -everything, done everything, made a note of everything, and understand -everything. I've fought in Russia and made love in Spain, edited a -newspaper in Calcutta, and ran a company in New York. Been imprisoned -in Japan, and married in Egypt. I've studied mankind from the Equator to -the Pole and I flatter myself I know the poor thing inside and out. - -TED MORRIS. - -You're rather young to know so much. Aren't you afraid of overdoing it, -and injuring yourself? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -My dear fellow, I never was young. Age is a question of senses, not of -seasons. I was born pretty much as you see me now. I told my first lie -before most children can lisp the truth. I posed before most children -can stand. I drank brandy at an age when most children lick sherbet, and -made love while my co-temporaries were making mudpies. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -I wonder you care to stop on any longer in this world. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Duty, my dear fellow. I'm wanted down here. The age requires me. Great -men are scarce. - -TED MORRIS. - -And modest--I always thought. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -A popular delusion. They pretend to be. In reality they all think of -themselves exactly as I think of myself; I am setting them an example of -naturalness and candour. - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Laughs._) You certainly can't be accused of the "pride that apes -humility." Well, and how are my respected aunt and uncle? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Mr. and Mrs. Ben Dixon? Oh, they are getting on very well now. I've gone -to live with them. - -TED MORRIS. - -Awfully good of you. How do you get on with the old man? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Ben Dixon? Well, I like him. He amuses me. - -TED MORRIS. - -Is he still in the philanthropic line? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Yes, doing a bigger business than ever. I'm afraid he won't live long. -They'll be wanting him for an angel when the next vacancy occurs. He is -a County Councillor already. By-the-bye, he landed you pretty heavily, -didn't he? - -TED MORRIS. - -Oh, that was my fault. I let him invest all our money in some cast-iron -affair that was going to pay a hundred per cent. He had influence with -the Directors, and got them to let us into it--as a favour. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Um! and a very pretty little "let in" it was. Well, it's all experience, -my dear boy--all. - -(_Enter Nelly. Theodore rises._) - -TED MORRIS. - -This is my sister. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -I envy you, my dear boy. How do you do, Miss Morris? I'm Theodore -Travers, your cousin, you know. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Oh, yes, I remember. How did you manage to find us? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Oh, the step-mater's been on your track ever since you disappeared. -She'll be here in a minute. - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Aghast._) Mrs. Ben Dixon coming here! - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Yes, and he's coming too. I ought to have told you before, only I've -been so taken up with your interesting conversation. - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Aside, savagely._) Why the deuce can't they wait till they're asked? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -And if you would permit me, as a practical stage-manager, I would -suggest a rearrangement of the props. (_Looking round room._) Let me -see. Step-mater will take the centre of the stage, of course; she always -does, from force of habit. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -(_Putting flimsy chair R. of table, and smiling._) There! - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Yes, that's the place, but it's not the chair. (_Shaking and testing -it._) - -JACK MEDBURY. - -(_Bringing a big one over from window._) This one? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -That's more the thing, and then, let me see, the old man--he won't -sit anywhere, he'll stand in front of the fire and try to look like a -stained-glass window; and then the girl---- - -TED MORRIS. - -What girl! - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Oh, a _protégée_ of the step-mater's--a dear little thing--suggests -roses and old Chippendale. (_Takes chair to window_.) She can sit over -here near me. (_At window, he looks out._) Ah, there's the carriage -going away now. They are here evidently--all on the stairs in different -degrees of exhaustion. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -(_Without._) Well, we can't go any higher; it must be this. (_Door -opens, and in bustles breezily Mrs. Ben Dixon. She is a kindly, -blunt, slightly vulgar woman of about forty. Her style in dress is -pronounced._) Yes. Here they are, both of them. The young villains! Oh, -you bad boy! Oh, you bad girl! I'll never forgive you, neither of you. -Come and kiss me. (_She embraces Nelly._) - -(_She is followed in by Mr. Ben Dixon and Primrose Deane. Mr. Ben Dixon -is an unctuous, plausible, smiling old humbug. He is dressed with the -nicest regard to ostentatious respectability. Primrose is a sweet, -childish girl._) - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -So we have run you to earth at last, you young rogues. (_He kisses Nelly -and introduces her to Primrose._) - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Run them to earth! Run them to air you mean. (_Referring to Tea's -proffered hand._) Lord help the boy, I don't want that. I want a kiss. -What's the good of being an aunt if you can't kiss your good-looking -young nephews? (_Embraces him._) Oh, I am cross with you. I'm going to -tell you both what I think of you as soon as I get my breath back. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Don't be angry, aunt. We were only waiting for Ted to pass. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Pass what? The Bankruptcy Court? - -NELLY MORRIS. - -No; his final examination. He's nearly a full-blown surgeon. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -What! Ted going in for doctoring! - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Standing before the fire._) A noble and useful profession! Also, I -believe, exceedingly remunerative. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -And one which atones for its folly in assisting people into the world by -its efficacy in assisting them out of it again. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Oh, do you be quiet, Theo; I got you to go on in front on purpose that -you should have a quiet twenty minutes' talk all to yourself, and so -give us a chance when we came. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -All right, mater--all right, if you think this is your scene, I'll talk -aside up stage Right. There's not room for the two of us I know. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -(_To Nelly._) Wonderful boy that, if only he wouldn't fancy that God -Almighty made the universe just to hear what he would say about it. -(_Nelly laughs._) - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Oh, I think it must be so beautiful to be a doctor, and to help people -in pain and sickness. I should so like to be a nurse. - -TED MORRIS. - -I'm sure you'd make a very sweet and helpful one. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Well, I must say they are very becoming, those bonnets. I thought of it -myself when I was a girl. It was a toss up at one time between that and -the skipping-rope. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Ahem--my dear. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Well, everybody here knows all about it--except this young man--I---- -(_Looking at Jack._) - -TED MORRIS. - -My chum, Jack Medbury--an artist, aunt. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -An artiste? I--I'm glad to meet you, young man. What's your line? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Oh--oh, I paint, you know, - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Oh, that! Ah, well, they're all good of their kind. And now when are you -young folks coming down to see me? Some country air in your lungs, -and some good food in your stomachs won't do either of you any harm, I -should say from the look of you. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Yes, you must come down to us. Come and spend a--an afternoon. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -An afternoon! Bless the man, I want them for a month. - -TED MORRIS. - -It's awfully good of you, aunt, but the exam's in six weeks. I daren't -leave my work. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Well, bring it with you, can't you? - -TED MORRIS. - -No, aunt. You see it isn't only studying. I must attend the hospital. I -want practice. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Practice! Well, there's all the village for you to practice on. Why -it will be just what they'll love. Medicine given away gratis and no -questions asked. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Oh, you must come. I insist upon it, and you know you really owe me -something, you young people, for all the terrible anxiety your money -affairs have caused me. - -TED MORRIS. - -Oh, I'm sorry they've done that. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Ah, my dear Edward, I can never tell you the agony of mind the loss of -that £4,000 has given me. - -TED MORRIS. - -Yes, it annoyed us a bit. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Ah, yes, that was natural. It was _your_ money. But it was no business -of mine at all, and yet, ah, how I've suffered. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Ah, well, you meant for the best, uncle. Don't fret about it. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -We must make it up to them you know, Ben. We must look after them a bit -and help them. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -I'm sure I shall always feel it my duty to give them the very best -advice in my power. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Yes, and I guess we'll supplement that by something a little more -useful. Don't you fear about that, young folks. - -TED MORRIS. - -It's very good of you, aunt. I know you mean kindly - ---both of you, but----(_Puts his arm round Nelly,_) - -Nelly and I have fought the worst of this fight by ourselves, and-- -we'll win it or lose it alone. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_He shakes Ted by the hand_.) A noble resolution. You are a brave boy. -I admire you for it. (_Aside_.) I hope he'll stick to it. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Ah, you're your father's boy, Ted--both of you--but while you're -sticking up for your independence don't you forget my rights. I _am_ -your aunt. I loved your poor dead mother, and I've a right to love -her two headstrong young brats, and I'm going to do it. (_There is the -slightest suggestion of tears in her voice by this time._) - -NELLY MORRIS. - -I'm sure we both want you to, aunt. Ted didn't mean that, he didn't. Did -you, Ted? - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -All the same to me, my dear, if he did. I can be as obstinate as he can. -Your Aunt Bella's going to be your friend, and you can just lump it or -like it--both of you. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Still you know, my dear, an independent spirit is a beautiful trait in -anyone. I really don't think we ought to do anything to undermine it. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Ah, your solicitors didn't talk like that to mine, Ben, when our -marriage settlements were being discussed. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_To Ted_.) Ah, that's the worst of women. They will always drag in the -personal element. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Now come, Ted. Don't you be an unkind nephew to your old aunt just -because she's got no chicks of her own and wants to love you. - -TED MORRIS. - -You're a dear good soul, aunt. Let me come down for a day or two -and bring my books with me--and if ever I do want help from -anyone--why--why, you know I should rather take it from you than from -anybody else. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Aside, disgusted_.) I thought he wouldn't stick to it. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Ah, well, come, that's a bit more sensible. Mind you come as soon as you -can, and stop as long as you can, and as for any bit of help, lad, -to start you, why you could make that up to a couple of broken-down -invalids like Ben and me in less than a year, what with physic and -stuff. - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Laughs._) I shall be sorry for my practice if my patients all look -like you, aunt. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Ah, that's like you all. I get no sympathy. (_Glances round to Jack, -and then draws Ted aside._) Ted, that artist chum of yours looks as if a -change would do him good. Do you think he'd like to come? - -TED MORRIS. - -I--(_puts his arm round Nelly_)--I think he'd like to be where Nelly -was. - -(_Nelly, with an alarmed, troubled look, slips out of the room almost -unnoticed_). - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -No! - -TED MORRIS. - -Yes; another good-looking young nephew for you to kiss, aunt. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Don't you be impudent! That's the worst of it, when we poor women allow -you young men any liberties, you get so saucy over it. Are they engaged? - -TED MORRIS. - -Not yet--not formally, you know, but---- - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -(_Nods_.) So much the better. We'll have him down, and then I can judge -him for myself. Mr. Medbury. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Yes? (_He comes to her._) - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Will you come down and spend a week at our place in the country? Ted and -Nelly will be coming. Come with them. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Oh--Oh, thanks. I shall be delighted. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -That's right. I shall expect you. Do you do portraits? - -I try to. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -TED MORRIS. - -It's his leading line, aunt. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Good. Bring your props with you, and paint me a portrait of Nelly. Will -you? - -JACK MORRIS. - -With the greatest pleasure imaginable. It will be a labour of love. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Oh no, it won't. It will be a fifty pound job, or I shan't have it. Is -it a bargain? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -(_Laughs_). Very well. I won't beat you down. You shall have your own -terms, and--thank you very much. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Not at all. It will be very cheap at the price, I know. (_Crosses L. to -Ben Dixon._) Well, I've asked them all down, Ben. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Yes, I thought you would, my dear. I hope they've all accepted. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Oh yes, they're all coming. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Oh, that _is_ nice. Are you ready to go now, dear, or do you think there -might be anybody else about the place you'd like to---- - -(_Cherry knocks at door. Ted goes up and opens it_.) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -May I---- Oh, oh! I beg pardon. I didn't know you had anyone here. -I------ (_He is about to retire._) - -TED MORRIS. - -Come on in, Mr. Cherry, come on in--the more the merrier. We've got a -regular reception on. Aunt, let me introduce you to---- - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -(_She and Cherry, the moment they see each other, stand aghast._) - -Don't tell me it's Adam Cherry! - -ADAM CHERRY. - -It isn't--it isn't Sylvia! - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Certainly not. You are quite right, my dear sir, it is _not_. That lady -is buried. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Not yet, Ben. Don't you get anticipating history to that extent. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -I mean, my dear, that she is sunk in Mrs. Ben Dixon. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Yes, it is a bit of a come down. (_Mr. Ben Dixon, crestfallen, retires -to the fire._) Well, I _am_ glad to see you. Why, you don't seem to have -altered a day. Bless the man, you look quite young. (_Cherry chuckles -and plumes himself. She puts up her glass and examines him_). Until one -looks into you a bit. (_He coughs drily_). Well, and what have you been -doing with yourself all these years? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Oh, I gave up the stage, you know, when I came into my aunt's money. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Um! Well, I think it was a good thing for both of you. You never were -much good at it, you know, Adam. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Ah, perhaps not--perhaps not. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -You never had the legs for it. It's no good saying---- - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Legs are not everything. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -No, but they make a good foundation. Lord, I shall never forget the -first night of that burlesque when you played Apollo to my Terps. You -wore three pairs of tights, one over the other, and the underneath ones -worked up into rucks. (_Cherry laughs uncomfortably._) And the gallery -told you to go home and get yourself ironed. (_Laughs._) - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Aside to Theodore._) Now we shall have reminiscences of all your -step-mother's early life. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Ah, well, it might be worse, Ben. It might be your own. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -I heard of your second marriage. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Ah, yes; bad news travels fast, they say. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Looking over at Ben Dixon._) But, you know, somehow or other, I -pictured such a different sort of man. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Yes, so did I. (_Leaning over and speaking confidentially._) An -inordinate craving for respectability has been the ruin of me. Don't you -ever give way to it. (_Cherry looks puzzled._) You see, Travers---- - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Your first? - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -My _première_. He was a bit wild, and when he died, poor man, and left -me with a pot of money, I said to myself, "Now, Belinda Travers, _nee_ -Greggs, you've lived long enough in Bohemia. We'll just go in now for -respectability; none of your mere Kensington or Hampstead sort, but -the downright solid stuff." And so I just set to work to look for -respectability, and (_with a motion towards Ben Dixon_) I found that! -(_Looks across at him. He is standing in a beautiful attitude, beaming, -his hands folded together, talking to Nelly._) That's not a respectable -man. That's potted respectability. They must have boiled down a church -to make that. I never thought that there was so much respectability in -the world. _I'd_ never come across so much before, all at one time. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -And how do you like it? - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -I don't like it. There's too much of it for me. I ought to have begun -with small doses. My system can't stand it. I live in an atmosphere -of respectability, and it's killing me. I never go anywhere that isn't -respectable. I never do anything that isn't respectable. Until this -blessed moment I haven't set eyes on anyone who isn't respectable. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -It must be very monotonous. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Monotonous! It's suffocating! (_Suddenly_.) Cherry, you always were a -good sort. You said you loved me once. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Alarmed_) It was a long time ago, Belinda. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -I know it--fifteen years, if it's a day--but you can't have ceased to -care for me altogether. Come and help me now. I'm going to the good man -as fast as ever I can. For old love's sake come and hold me back a bit. -Come down and spend a week with me. Come down and let me talk to you -about the days when you and I and the rest of the crowd used to have -sheep's-head suppers sent round from the local tripe-shop, and sit up -till four o'clock in the morning, playing penny nap. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Ah, they were jolly times, those, after all. Do you remember your first -cigar? - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -That's it--that's it! That's the sort of thing I _want_ to remember. -That's the sort of thing I want to talk to you about. Will you come? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Why, of course I will. Shall enjoy it. Where are you, and when shall---- -(_Knock heard at door_). - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Who has been talking to Primrose._) Come in. - -(_Enter a waiter carrying a tray on which are two champagne bottles and -some glasses._) - -WAITER. - -(_At door._) Meester Sherry? - -TED MORRIS. - -Yes, he's here--but this is not his room. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Oh, it's all right, my dear Ted. (_To waiter_.) Yes, yes, put them down. -I'll explain--I'll explain. - -WAITER. - -(_Putting down tray on table._) Shall I open zem, zir? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Yes. And have you a few more glasses, Ted? I--I didn't know your friends -would be here. They are all friends, aren't they? - -TED MORRIS. - -Some of them--the others are relations. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Ah, yes, that will be all right then. All the better--all the better. -Where's Nelly? - -TED MORRIS. - -Nelly? Oh---- - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Oh, she's just gone to fetch an atlas. I'm explaining a mission route to -her. She'll be back in an instant. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Ah! (_Aside to Ted._) Has--has she told you anything? - -TED MORRIS. - -What about? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_With a chuckle._) Ah, evidently not. Never mind, never mind. (_Waves -Ted away. Ted goes to cupboard to get glasses. The first cork goes -"pop."_) - -JACK MEDBURY. - -(_Who has been talking to Theodore_.) What's up? Another birthday? - -TED MORRIS. - -Mr. Cherry has a birthday about once a month, and we help him to -celebrate it. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -No, no; now you are exaggerating, my dear boy. The last occasion was -the anniversary of my poor aunt's death. (_The second bottle pops._) You -know I told you so. - -JACK MED BURY. - -We had a very jolly dinner over it. - -(_The waiter goes out._) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -But this--this, my dear Ted, is to celebrate something very much more -important than--than anything we have celebrated before. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -More important than birth or death? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Very much. Ladies and gentlemen, my dear friends, all of you, I want--I -want you to drink to a--to a wedding. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -A wedding! What! Not your own? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Why not, Bella? Why not? - -TED MORRIS. - -What, Cherry going to get married? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Good luck to you, my boy. Good luck to you. Quite right. (_He says this -heartily and goes on laughing and talking to Theodore_.) - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Who's the bride? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -The--the niece, Mrs. Ben Dixon, of a--of a most charming aunt. The -sister of a brave, clever young friend of mine--the sweetest lady in the -land--Miss Nelly Morris. - -(_Nelly has re-entered and stands L. near door. Jack gives a -half-suppressed cry of "Nell!" and a start. No one notices this but -Theodore, but he notices it very clearly._) - -TED MORRIS. - -Nelly! Is this true, Nelly? - -NELLY MORRIS. - -(_She crosses and stands by Cherry. She is deadly pale and quiet._) -Quite true. (_As she says this she gives one look over to Jack and -then turns away. Jack looks at her and the glass in his hand trembles. -Theodore notices all these things. He looks from Jack to Nelly, then -back to Jack. Then he covertly takes a pencil from his pocket, draws his -cuff down and writes._) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_After a rather awkward pause._) It's--it's a bit of a surprise for you -all. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -A very pleasant one, Mr. Cherry. I am delighted--delighted. (_Aside._) -He'll take them both off our hands now-- really quite providential. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_Coming forward and taking Nelly's hands._) I do so hope you will be -happy, dear. You often hear of these sort of things turning out quite -well, and--and---- - -NELLY MORRIS. - -(_Smiling and kissing her._) Thank you, dear. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Very interesting; quite worth the stairs. - -MRS. KEN DIXON. - -(_Aside to him._) I believe you'd make notes at your dearest friend's -death-bed! - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Why not? It couldn't hurt him, and might amuse other people. Well, may -all the joys of the world be yours, young people. Bless you both. (_He -drinks_.) - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -(_Rising_.) May the Lord help you both. Ben, if you're ready, we'll go. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Quite ready, my dear. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -(_To Nelly_.) Good-bye, my dear. (_Kisses her_.) You and I must have a -long chat when you come down. Goodbye, Ted. This is what comes of -your hiding yourself to starve away from your old aunt. Good-bye, Mr. -Medbury. Good-bye, Cherry. Go on, Prim. (_Primrose goes out_) I want -to get out of this and have a think. It's old fools and young fools all -making fools of themselves together here. (_She goes out_.) - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_To Cherry_.) We are both charmed, my dear sir, charmed. I shall feel -now that there is someone to look after them, and see that they never -want for anything. I can't tell you what a relief it is to me. Good-bye, -good-bye. (_He follows out._) - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Well, good-bye, good-bye all. I'll look you up again soon. Shall be -interested to know how you all get on. (_He goes out_.) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_To Nelly._) You didn't mind my telling it, did you, dear? It had to -come out sooner or later of course. You--you're not vexed? - -NELLY MORRIS. - -No, Mr. Ch--Adam. Of course not. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -I felt as if I could not believe it myself till everybody else knew it. -(_To Jack._) Jack you haven't congratulated me. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -You have every reason to be congratulated, Mr. Cherry, I'm sure. (_Aside -to Nelly._) I understand, Nell. Don't worry about me. It will make me -paint all the better. (_Aside to Ted as he goes out._) Try and forget -all that nonsense I talked to you, Ted. It's better as it is. Poor -devils like you and I have no business to indulge in such luxuries as -love, and I shall---- Goodbye, old fellow. (_Grips Ted's hand and goes -out._) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -And now, my dear Ted, that we are alone---- - -TED MORRIS. - -I would rather be still more alone, Mr. Cherry, if you don't mind. -Forgive me, but I want to talk to Nelly about this thing. It's rather -taken me by surprise. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Certainly, my dear boy. Certainly--very natural. I'll go. You and Nelly -will come down and dine with me this evening, won't you, and we'll have -a talk then. - -TED MORRIS. - -Thank you. I'll let you know. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Ah yes. Do; do. (_To Nelly._) _Au revoir_, my dear. Good-bye, Ted. -Good-bye. (_Goes out_.) - -TED MORRIS. - -(_He closes the door, and then returns. Nelly has gone to mantelpiece. -He comes to her, and, putting his hands on her shoulders, speaks very -gently_.) You've done this for me, little woman, but it must not be, -dear. Do you think that if I wouldn't ask dear old Aunt Bella for help -that I'd take it for this price? - -NELLY MORRIS. - -One has a right to take what one has paid for. The price has been given. - -TED MORRIS. - -No, dear, only promised--by someone who did not know the value of what -she was offering. You must let me cancel the bargain, Nell. It was a bad -one to make--in _every_ sense of the word. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Perhaps. But bad bargains have to be kept when made, as well as good -ones. Don't let us talk about it any more, dear. The thing's done now. -It cannot be undone. - -TED MORRIS. - -Yes it can, Nell, and _must_. It makes it a little awkward, his having -announced it in that ridiculous theatrical way, but when I tell him -everything. When I tell him that you love dear old Jack---- - -NELLY MORRIS. - -But you never will do that, Ted--for my sake--for all our sakes. - -TED MORRIS. - -You must get out of it somehow, Nell. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -I cannot. I do not wish to. I have pledged my word, and I'll keep it. -Come, it isn't so very terrible (_with a smile_). I'm not the first -girl, dear, who's had to say good bye to an impracticable little -romance, and take the sober reality offered her by an elderly gentleman. -He _is_ a gentleman, Ted, and he's very fond of me I know, and I shall -try and make him a good wife. (_Puts her hands on Ted's shoulders_.) -It's a grey old world, brother. We must be content with grey lives. - -TED MORRIS. - -Nell, Nell, I won't have it. You are sacrificing yourself--you are -sacrificing Jack--and all for me. I won't let you do it. Let me go down -and see Cherry now, and end the matter at once. (_Breaking away from -her_) - -NELLY MORRIS. - -(_Staying him_) Please don't, Ted. You are only making it harder for me. - -TED MORRIS. - -Nelly, what an obstinate little thing you are. (_With a gesture of -impatience_) Do look at the thing reasonably. You've made a rash -promise, that the next moment you regret. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -I do _not_ regret it. (_Ted stares at her._) Listen to me. Ted. When -Adam Cherry asked me to marry him to let him make our lives smooth, I -thought of you. - -TED MORRIS. - -I know. That's---- - -NELLY MORRIS. - -(_Checking him._) And of myself. (_A pause._) I'm tired of this life, -Ted. I'm tired of living in an attic. I'm tired of being ashamed to go -out into the streets until it's dark because of my clothes. I'm tired of -feeling hungry. It's such a vulgar feeling. We have no one to help us. -You talk about aunt. You know that man has all her money, and he's not -likely to let us have any of it--even if we cared to take it. As for -Jack--poor boy--what could he give me? What could I bring him but the -same weary sordid struggle? (_She puts her arms about him._) Don't be -shocked at me, old boy. I used to have plenty of sentiment, as you know, -but somehow it doesn't thrive on ten shillings a week. (_She moves away -a few steps. Then pausings turns to him, stretching out her arms to -him._) Are you very angry with me, Ted? - -TED MORRIS. - -(_He does not turn to her, but goes to the window and stands looking -out_) - -No, dear. Only a little disappointed. - -(_Nelly stands thus for a moment, then takes the empty glasses from the -table and crosses with them towards the cupboard._) - -_Curtain_. - - - - - -THE SECOND ACT. - -_A large sunny drawing-room, handsomely and somewhat showily furnished, -opening on garden. Adam Cherry and Mr. Ben Dixon are sitting talking._ - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -You see, my dear sir, this is not an ordinary worldly speculation. We -are promoting this company--myself and a few Christian friends--not -merely to earn an income for our shareholders--though that we shall do, -Mr. Cherry, that we shall do--but also to benefit humanity at large. -Think, Mr. Cherry, what a grand thing it will be to be helping the good -cause--to be doing good among one's fellow-creatures--and at a profit, -Mr. Cherry--at a very handsome profit--that's the beauty of the scheme. -Mr. Cherry, as a man not altogether inexperienced in these matters, I -say that never--never before has such an opportunity been presented to -the investing public of combining the earthly comfort of a certain 15 -per cent, dividend with the ennobling--I say the ennobling--satisfaction -of furthering the cause of Heaven. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Well, to be perfectly frank with you, Mr. Ben Dixon, I am thinking more -of the earthly than of the heavenly part of it. I hope I try to do my -bit of good in the world, but I never mix the two things up. When I -invest my money, what I think about is the return. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Quite right, Mr. Cherry, quite right. We--myself and the other -directors--are, perhaps, a little too etherial in these matters. We need -among us such a man as yourself, Mr. Cherry--you will join our hoard, -Mr. Cherry? You will give us the benefit of your experience-- of your -grasp of business? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Pleased_.) Well, if you really think I could be of any help---- - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Think it! My dear sir, you are the very man we want. I think, Mr. -Cherry--I think you suggested put-ting £8,000 into the affair? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Yes, Mr. Ben Dixon. It is a big sum for me. In fact--in fact, it -represents nearly all my savings. But the scheme seems a very safe one. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Mr. Cherry do you think that I would allow you to put your money in this -thing if I did not know that it was safe? How can we fail! We have -the Lord Mayor. (_Confidentially._) I am even in hopes of having the -Archbishop of Canterbury. Besides, look at the scheme itself. We buy -up and amalgamate all the leading manufactories of temperance drinks -throughout the kingdom. My dear sir, do you know the amount that is -spent every year in this country on lemonade and ginger-beer alone? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Oh, I am quite with you, Mr. Ben Dixon. The business ought to be a good -one. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -It _is_ a good one. It shall be a better one. Mr. Cherry, in a few -years' time we shall not be earning our 15 per cent., no, nor our 30 -per cent., but our 100 per cent., and you shall be with us. Here, Mr. -Cherry, is an application form. (_He has put it all ready_.) I will make -it a personal matter that the full number of shares shall be allotted to -you. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Who has risen, comes to desk. Ben Dixon puts a pen into his hand. He -hesitates._) They--they do say one should not put all one's eggs into -one basket. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -It depends upon the basket I suppose. I should say it would be better -to put them all into one sound basket than in half-a-dozen risky ones. -(_Laughs._) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Yes, that's quite right--quite right. You see I do want a big dividend. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Of course you do--we all do--I mean it is very natural for _you_ to do -so. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Of course, before it did not matter. But now, Mr. Ben Dixon--now that -I'm going to be married I wish if possible to be able to retire from -business altogether, and that, of course, with my small capital I could -not do unless-- - -MR. PEN DIXON. - -(_Stopping him_.) Mr. Cherry, I will be frank with you. You speak of the -very matter that has been in my mind. If you had come to us two or three -months ago, and had asked for these shares I should have said "No." I -should have said to my brother directors: This is a safe and brilliant -scheme, let us keep it to ourselves. Why should we admit this man among -us? Let him be content with his two and a half Goschens, his three per -cent, debentures. But now, Mr. Cherry, I think of Nelly--my dear little -Nelly--and I say, "Come." Come and share with us. That is the line for -signature, Mr. Cherry. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -I have every confidence, Mr. Ben Dixon, both in you and the scheme. -(_Signs_). Adam Cherry. - -MR. PEN DIXON. - -(_Blots paper and takes it up and examines it._) Let me see. The full -amount is payable on allotment. Shall we telegraph your brokers at the -same time? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Oh yes--perhaps that will be the simplest way (_takes form which Ben -Dixon hands to him, and writes._) Yes, I'll do so. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -It doesn't matter, you know--doesn't matter at all. I will make myself -responsible for the amount if it's any convenience to you, Mr. Cherry. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -May just as well settle the matter now and have done with it. (_Finishes -telegram._) That will fix it all right I think. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_He has folded up the application and has placed it in one of the -stamped directed envelopes he has ready. He now crosses and takes -telegram and looks at it_.) Ah, one can always tell the man of business, -Mr. Cherry--one can always tell the man of business. (_Ben Dixon has -previously rung, and now a footman enters._) Take this letter to the -post at once, and send this telegram off at the same time. Don't stop -for anything. - -FOOTMAN. - -Yes, sir. (_Goes out_.) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Well, you don't want me any more I suppose, Mr. Ben Dixon? I think I'll -take a stroll in your pleasant garden. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Do, Mr. Cherry, do. (_Glances out of window. Then turns and shakes his -finger playfully at Adam Cherry._) Ah, you rogue--you rogue. I think I -see what makes that garden so particularly pleasant just at this moment ---Eh? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Chuckling_.) Well, I---- - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Pushes him towards windows._) Run along to her, - -Mr. Cherry. Run along, I don't believe you are a day older than -five-and-twenty. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -A little--little--I'm afraid. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Don't believe it. I don't believe it. (_Cherry goes out, laughing. Ben -Dixon watches him out, and then turns round again. He says nothing, but -his face expresses his huge satisfaction._) - -(_Enter Theodore Travers._) - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Ah, my dear boy, so you've come down to see the old folks again--come -back to the old nest. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Well, you've done it, Ben. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Done what? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -You are famous at last. You've beaten me. I'm not in it with you this -week. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -I have for some time enjoyed a certain reputation, I believe. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Among the few that really knew you, yes. Spreading; that's the awkward -part of it. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Wh--what do you mean? (_Beginning to grow anxious._) - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Have you seen _The Illustrated Police News_ this week? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -My dear Theodore, you know I do not countenance such publications. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Um! You've countenanced it this time right enough. (_Takes "Illustrated -Police News" from his pocket, and, opening it, holds it up._) "The -Councillor and the Strong Woman. Amusing Scene at the Aquarium." - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Aghast._) Oh, my---- - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -(_Fixing paper in front of fable_.) It's such an excellent likeness of -you, too. I've had friends of mine in this thing before, but it's never -been a bit like 'em. This is a genuine portrait of you. No one could -mistake it. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -My dear Theodore, I can explain--I can explain everything. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -You generally can. The question is, step-father, will anybody believe -you? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Let me tell you the truth. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Don't you waste time, Ben, I know it. You set to work and invent a -plausible lie before the mater finds out about it. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -No, no, my dear boy. You must hear me. It--it was this way. It was the -last day we were in town. I started to go to Exeter Hall. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Yes--many do. - -MR. BEN DIXON - -But passing the Aquarium, it--it occurred to me---- - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -That it was a much more attractive place. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Virtuously._) No, Theo--that it was my duty as a member of the -National Vigilance Society to look in and see if--if---- - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -If something could not be found out against it. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Precisely. I stopped the cab and went in. I mingled with the godless -throng. I even sacrificed myself so far as to speak to one or two of -them. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Ladies? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -They _may_ have been. I stood them drinks--if that be the correct -expression. Not to excite suspicion, I even sipped a little here and -there myself. I endeavoured to acquire the spirit of the place. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -From all accounts, you did so to a pretty considerable extent. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -It was necessary to my purpose. I went from bar to bar accumulating -material. The case was almost complete. Thinking I had had enough--done -enough for one evening, I was about to leave when somebody--who said he -was a friend of mine--suggested that we should go "behind the scenes." -He introduced me to a not unprepossessing young woman, whom he described -as the "Female Hercules." I was on the point of putting a few questions -to her, when all of a sudden a strange feeling of dizziness came over -me. To save myself from falling, I flung out my arms--as any man might -have done--and caught hold of the thing nearest to me. Unfortunately, it -was the Hercules lady. Mistaking my action, she took me up, and, before -I could explain matters, carried me out, and deposited me in the main -transept. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -(_He again takes up the paper._) The artist represents her as assisting -you by the scruff of the neck, and other things. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -It may have been so. I was too much upset to notice details. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -And then the Aquarium attendants completed the business by chucking you -out into the street. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -I deny it. I was not chucked. 'They perceived that I was unwell, and led -me out into the air. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Where my excellent friend, the door-keeper at the Hanoverian, found you -putting pennies into a life boat box and trying to get out cigarettes. -Ben, that explanation's too thin. I expected something better from you. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -You--you don't think it will do? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Afraid not. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Perhaps you are right, Theo. The world is ever prone to think evil. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Yes; you see it's had a good deal of experience, Ben. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Dear me, it's a very awkward affair--very awkward. Does it mention the -name? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -No. Merely refers to you as "a certain guardian of the public morals." -(_Looking at the picture again._) Hardly any need to put the name in -this case. It would be an insult to the artist. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Looking over his shoulder_.) It _is_ like me. I can see that myself. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -They've even got your smile. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Don't gloat, my boy; don't gloat over it. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -I won't. It _is_ hard lines on you. (_Throws paper down on easy-chair._) -What will you do? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -I don't know. I must think. I wonder if your stepmother's seen it? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Some friend of yours will send it to her, you bet. - -MR. BEN DIX N. - -It may not be noticed. You see, fortunately, it is not a paper that -circulates much in religious circles. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Not as a rule. This week will probably be an exception. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -I wish you wouldn't harp so on the gloomy side of it, Theo. We will put -our trust in Providence. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -I should. I've noticed that it's generally on the side of the rogues. -(_Strolls towards window._) Don't let the thing lie about. Where's the -mater? (_Ben Dixon does not answer_.) In the garden? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Yes--no. I don't know--I don't know where she is. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Poor old Ben! (_Goes out into garden._) - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -If this gets about I'm done for. What can I do? If it only weren't such -a good likeness, or if there was only another member of the Vigilance -Society something like me I might put it on to him. - -(_Mrs. Ben Dixon has entered. She has sat down, without noticing it, on -the paper in arm-chair_.) - -I do hope Belinda won't---- (_Turns round and sees Mrs. Ben Dixon_.) - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -I want a business chat with you, Ben. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Where's that paper? (_Looks frantically about for the paper_.) - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -What's the matter? Lost anything? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -No, oh no, my dear, nothing at all. (Aside.) Did he take it with him--or -is she sitting on it? - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -I want something settled about Ted and Nelly. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Certainly, my dear, certainly. Won't you sit over here, my dear? That -chair looks so uncomfortable. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -The chair's all right. It's you who seem to be uncomfortable. (_Looks -round and sees him leaning over the back of the chair looking down into -it_.) What is it? Am I sitting on anything? (_About to rise_.) - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Rather alarmed._) No, my dear, nothing whatever. Don't you rise. It's -all right. You were speaking about those dear children, Ted and Nelly? - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Difficult to remember what one is talking about with you pirouetting -all over the place like a pantomime fairy. I wanted to talk to you about -what we could do for them. - -They are going back to-morrow morning, and---- (_He peers under the -table for the paper._) I'll tell you what it is, Ben, you are doing too -much work on that Vigilance Association. It's sapping your brain. Do -give the world a rest. Let it go wrong for a bit if it wants to. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -I wish I could, my dear. I worry myself too much about others, I know. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Yes, and I expect that's what the others think too. This is a case where -you can trouble yourself about other folks to some advantage--to _them_. -We must do something for those children, Ben. It was your fault they -lost their money. We must see that they get some thing back again. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -But, you see, my dear, they are both so proud. To offer them help would -only be to wound them. We should never, Belinda, do anything to wound -the susceptibilities of others. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -(_Growing irritable._) I shall do something that will wound yours, Ben, -in a minute, if you've got any. There are more ways of offering people -help than by slapping them in the face with it. If the thing's done in -the right spirit they won't refuse it. I'll see to that. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -But, my dear, why should we interfere at all? Dear Mr. Cherry is only -too anxious to help them. Why should we deprive that worthy man of -the exquisite pleasure of assisting them? My dear, we have no right to ---it's his first call--I mean his privilege---- - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Ben, you're either a fool or you're pretending to be one. What do you -think induced that girl to accept him? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -The usual thing, I suppose, my dear. Love that comes to---- - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Fiddlesticks! Girls of nineteen don't marry men of fifty-five for love. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Forty-three, my dear. He told me so himself. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Forty-three, _and_ the rest. _I'm_ not a chicken, and he wore his own -beard when he played Macbeth to my child's head. He's fifty-five if he's -a day, and she's accepted him because they were both starving--small -blame to her for it. What we've got to do is to lift them out of this -poverty and give them a start, and then there'll be no need for the poor -girl to sacrifice herself. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -But think of Mr. Cherry. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Oh, Cherry's an old fool, as good and kind a one as ever lived--that's -better than some of them are--but an old fool all the same. Now come, -Ben, I'm going to do my duty by poor dead Hetty's bairns, and you've got -to help me. If they were cannibals or converted acrobats with no claim -upon you whatever, you'd be eager enough to. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Precisely so, my dear. That is just it. You see, a public philanthropist -has no right to indulge in private charities. He is meant for all alike. -He embraces mankind. I embrace mankind. You find me two hundred poor -medical students with their sisters, needing assistance, and I shall -be delighted to receive subscriptions on their behalf. (_Aside_.) Oh, he -must have taken it with him. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -I don't doubt it. In this case, you're going to _give_ something to -_one_ poor medical student. The other 199 you can find for yourself. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Belinda, I cannot. It grieves me, but I cannot depart from my -principles. Charity should be like the sun---- - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Yours _is_, Ben. We hear a good deal about it, but don't often see it. -We won't argue the matter. My mind's made up. I want £4,000. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Then I'm very much afraid, my dear, you will have to do what a great -many other people who want money have to do. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Do you mean, Ben, that you won't let me have it? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -I mean, my dear, I cannot. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -What have you done--blued the lot? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Belinda, your vulgar expressions pain me. There is no need to be -violent. Your own little fortune is undoubtedly somewhat involved, but -so long as I have a crust---- - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -I don't want your crusts. I want to know what you've done with all my -money. There was a tidy bit of it, and you've had the entire control of -it--more fool me. What have you done with it? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -I manipulated it, my dear, to the best of my poor ability. -Unfortunately, Heaven has not---- - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Oh! drop that. I'm tired of your Heaven. It's enough to set anyone -against the place always hearing of it in your company. Let's understand -the thing plainly. Haven't I got a penny of my own? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say that, my dear, but---- - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -But not much more, I expect. Oh, you villain! _You_ - -old---- (_He has been standing in one of his customary stained-glass -attitudes close to door. Mrs. Ben Dixon with her last sentence rises as -if to come to him. In an instant he slips through door, and closes it -behind him softly._) - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -It serves me right. It serves me right. (_Enter Primrose from window_.) -Oh, my dear child, don't you ever marry. It's only your money they want -to get hold of. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Oh, I'm _sure_ he doesn't. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -_He!_ Lord help the child, you haven't done it already, have you? - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_Confused_.) Oh no--no--I--I meant---- - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Don't trust him. Don't trust any of 'em. Have it all settled on -yourself, and keep your own eye on it. Oh, to think what a fool I've -been! - -(_Nelly has entered, followed by Cherry._) - -NELLY MORRIS. - -What's the matter, aunt? You're worried about something? - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Worried! I'm not worried. I'm mad! - -NELLY MORRIS. - -What's wrong, aunt? - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -What's wrong! Ask what's right! That's the shortest question to answer. -Oh, my dear child, your uncle's a villain, and I'm a born idiot, and -everything's going wrong for everybody, and I can't help anybody. -(_Leans on Nelly's shoulder and begins to half cry._) - -NELLY MORRIS. - -What is it, auntie, dear? - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Don't ask me, my dear. Don't anybody ask me anything. I can't tell you. -Oh that Belinda Greggs could ever develop into such a first prize fool! - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_She has been sitting on arm of easy-chair, and has taken up the -paper_) Oh, here's a portrait of Mr. Ben Dixon. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -(_Glances round and sees a paper in Primrose's hand_) What in? _The -Young Man's Christian Herald_, I suppose, under the heading of "Shining -Lights"? - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -No--no, it's (_reading_) _The Illustrated Police News_. - -The what? - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Oh, impossible, Primrose, you must---- - -(_Takes the paper and suddenly becomes silent_) - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -(_Snatches it from Nelly, looks at it, then crosses over to Cherry_) -Cherry, what do you make of this? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Takes paper and reads_) "The Councillor and the Strong Woman." -The--the gentleman is certainly very much like him. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -The whole thing is like him. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_To Nelly_.) Do you think it _is_ Mr. Ben Dixon? - -NELLY MORRIS. - -I can't say. I didn't look at it very closely. Come upstairs, dear, and -show me your new hat, will you? - -(_The two girls go off talking._) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -It can't be, you know. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -But there he is. What does it say about it? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -"The Councillor at the Aquarium. A shameful spectacle (see illustration) -was witnessed by our artist at the Aquarium on Monday evening last. A -certain guardian of the public morals, well known as a philanthropist, -and a member of the Vigilance Society----" - -MRS. BEN DIXON - -That's Ben right enough. There can't be two of 'em. Go on. - -ADAM CHERRY - -"Appears to have thought fit to visit this place of entertainment on -the evening in question. Not content with insulting various respectable -people among the audience, he proceeded, in company with his degraded -companions, to force his way behind the scenes. There, meeting Mdlle. -Bruno, the Female Hercules, and pretending to recognise her as his -long-lost cousin, he immediately threw his arms around the lady's neck, -and endeavoured to kiss her. Fortunately, Mdlle. Bruno is a lady well -able to protect herself. Taking the villain up by the collar of his -coat and the------ (_Sinks his voice._) she promptly carried him out and -handed him over to the Aquarium officials, who finally rid the building -of his presence by the simple but effective process known as chucking. -We trust that----" - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -That will do. That's enough. I wonder if I'm going to find out anything -more about him to-day? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -It's impossible. There's been a mistake. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -There has been, and I'm the poor ninny that's made it. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -If anyone had asked me for my ideal of respectability-- - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Respectability! Man alive, don't talk about it. The very sound of the -word makes me ill. It's been my curse from a child. I refused to play -hopscotch at eight years old because I thought it wasn't respectable, -and went sliding instead and was nearly drowned. It was I who persuaded -poor father to give up the fried-fish shop because fried fish wasn't -respectable, and he went into oysters and ruined himself in a year. I -was earning twenty pounds a week at the Halls, and what did I do? Threw -it up and went on the stage as principal boy at five pounds--all to be -respectable. And then the stage wasn't respectable enough for me, so I -married Travers, and _he_ wasn't respectable enough for me. And what -has it all ended in? What has this insatiable craving for respectability -brought me to? Why, I'm the wife of a man who has been chucked--chucked -from the Aquarium. - -ADAM CHERRY - -It is certainly very disappointing - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -And that's not all. - -ADAM CHERRY - -What! Has he been chucked from somewhere else too? - -MRS. BEN DIXON - -No--at least, not that I know of. I mean that's not the worst that I've -found out. I couldn't tell that poor child, but, Cherry, I'm ruined. -He's swindled me out of all my fortune--all the money that Travers left -me. I haven't a penny left to call my own. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Belinda! For Heaven's sake don't say he's a swindler. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Why not? He is my own husband. I suppose I can say what I like about -him. Let's have _some_ consolation. (_Noticing Cherry's distraction._) -What's the matter with you? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Wildly._) He's got £8,000 of my money. Nearly all I have. I've put it -all into a company of his. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -(_Aghast_.) You? Oh, why did I bring you down here? Oh, you poor lamb! -Oh, what a miserable woman I am! - -(_Enter Theodore._) - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Ah, step-mater, I've been looking all over the place for you. (_Noticing -the open paper on the floor where Cherry has dropped it, and, taking in -the facts, he looks from one to the other. Then picks up paper, folds -it, and puts in his pocket._) Finding out the truth about Ben, I see. -Always a very painful matter finding out the truth about people. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Theodore, your step-father's a scoundrel. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Don't put him down to me, mater. He wasn't my selection. _You_ chose him -for me. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Why did you ever let me marry him? _You_ must have seen through him. -_You're_ the old experienced person. Why didn't you warn your poor silly -step-mother? Why didn't you stop me? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -My dear Bella, if I were to advise everybody, and they were to follow -my advice, the world would become so intensely sensible as to be utterly -uninteresting. Besides, there's really nothing much to be upset about. -You see, fortunately, the lady was a _strong_ woman. Now, if she had -been a _weak_ one, why---- - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -That's not all, Theodore. I could have got over that. I shouldn't have -been the first woman to find out that a man's respectable only so long -as he thinks you can see him. But he's ruined me, Theodore. He's lost -all my money for me. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -(_Whistles._) And found it for himself, I suppose. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -That's just what _I_ suppose too. And not content with that, he's -cheated poor old Cherry here out of £8,000. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -(_Looks across at Cherry, who is standing utterly crushed._) "The -Anti-Alcoholic and Mineral Water Union, Limited?" - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_With a groan._) Yes, I signed the application for 200 shares not an -hour ago. He said he'd see that they were allotted to me. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -I should say you could rely upon them. Are they settled for? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -I expect so by now. He suggested that I should telegraph to my brokers -at the same time. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -And you did so? Of course, you would. (_Looks at watch_). Four -o'clock--too late to do anything to-day. I will go up first thing -to-morrow morning and see if anything can be done. Not that I expect -anything _can_. Ben's got his failings, but he _is_ a good business -man. I'll give a look into your affairs at the same time, mater. I don't -suppose you'll get anything back, but it will be interesting to find out -where it's all gone to. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -(_Rising with grunt of disgust_) Ah! and to think I've got to live with -it, and to call it "my dear" when company's present. I'll make up for it -in private. Theo, keep an eye on me for a bit. Don't let me get at him -unless you want to see me doing my six months' hard for wringing his -neck. (_Goes out_) - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -You trust him, mater. He won't let you get at him. (_To Cherry_) Don't -let Ben see that you suspect anything, or he'll---- - -(_Primrose appears at window_) - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_Looking in_) Come on, Theodore. I'm waiting for you. - -THEODORE TRAVERS, - -I know you are. You shall be rewarded anon. I've just got to talk a -little business with Mr. Cherry (_Puts his hand on Cherry's shoulder, -and takes him towards door._) Come up to my study. We shan't be -interrupted there. - -It's so very kind of you. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Not at all--not at all. (_Aside._) Good material for a financial novel. -(_They go off._) - -(_Primrose and Nelly come in from garden_.) - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Nelly! something very serious is going on here. Mr. Ben Dixon's been -doing something that he oughtn't. - -(_She sits before piano, touching the keys softly, making a faint -suggestion of music here and there throughout the conversation_). I'm -afraid it's a common failing, dear. - -Yes--but he's been doing it more than usual. I don't like that man. Ted -doesn't like him either. He says he is an oily old scoundrel. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Ted might speak a little more respectfully of his host. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Oh, he's not our host. It's _Mrs_. Ben Dixon--and besides that was only -to _me_, you know. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Oh! - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -I never could make out why Mrs. Ben Dixon married him. She's so jolly. -(_Musingly._) One does come across some very ill-assorted couples--very. -When are you going to be married, Nelly? - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Very soon, I think - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -May I be bridesmaid? - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Oh, there won't be any bridesmaids, dear, or anything of that sort. We -shall just go into the church, our two selves, come out, and go away. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -No breakfast? - -NELLY MORRIS. - -( Shakes her head and smiles.) No fuss of any kind. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -No dress! No flowers! No presents! No people! - -No cake! (_Nell shakes her head_.) How will you know that you're -married? - -NELLY MORRIS. - -(_A little bitterly._) I shall wake to the fact soon enough. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Nelly, didn't you ever have a young lover? Mr. Cherry's awfully nice -and good, but you know what I mean--somebody handsome, and big, and -impudent. Who---- (_With a girl's quickness notices the trembling of -Nelly's lip._) Was it very long ago? - -NELLY MORRIS. - -(_Very low._) I think so--very, very long ago. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -What happened? Did you quarrel? - -NELLY MORRIS. - -No, dear. Only like Jamie in the ballad, he hadn't any siller and Ted -and I hadn't any siller, and---- - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -And so you're going to marry "Auld Robin Gray." Oh, Nelly, is it too -late? There's a lot of siller in the world, but there isn't much love. -Is it too late, dear? - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Yes. - -(_Enter Jack, with hat and stick in hand, ushered in by servant._) - -SERVANT. - -Mrs. Ben Dixon won't be long, sir. (_Goes out_.) - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Oh, Mr. Medbury! (_Advances to him and shakes hands._) - -JACK MEDBURY. - -How d'you do, Miss Deane? (_Shaking hands with Nelly, who has risen, a -little constrainedly._) How are you, Miss Morris? - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Mrs. Ben Dixon will be so glad to see you, I know. She was saying only -this morning how sorry she was you hadn't been able to come down. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Well, I'm ashamed to say I haven't come to see Mrs. Ben Dixon now. (_The -girls look surprised._) I've really come more to see Ted. Is he here? - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_Anxiously._) There's nothing happened? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Nothing to do with him. It's a matter I wanted to consult him about, -that's all. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -I'll go and find him for you. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Oh, it's a shame to trouble you. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -It's brutal, isn't it? (_She goes out laughing._) - -JACK MEDBURY. - -(_After a pause; he and Nelly seem careful not to look at one another._) -How is Ted? All right? - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Yes, he's very much better. He seems more cheerful. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Ah, yes, things are looking a bit brighter for him, I hope. Change of -luck's better even than change of air for putting new life into a man, I -should think. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -How--how are _you_ getting on? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Me? Oh, much the same as usual. I suppose _I_ ought to be a little -luckier now, if there's any truth in the old adage. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -(_Still not looking at him--after a pause._) Jack, can you forgive me? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -There's nothing to forgive, Nelly. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Yes there is, Jack--a lot. I've used you very badly. Any other man would -hate me and despise me. But--but I don't want you to, Jack. (_Leans -over over her book. A pause._) - -JACK MEDBURY. - -There's not much fear of that, Nelly. I can never tell you--I had better -not try to, perhaps--what I feel--what I shall always feel towards you. -It isn't hate, Nelly. We shall be drifting farther and farther apart, -out of sight of one another. Think of me--when you do think of me--as -kindly as I shall ever think of you. It will be a help to me to know -that you are doing so. - -(_Nelly has risen, and they stand facing each other. Yielding to a -sudden impulse, she raises her face to his and their lips meet. Then -with a low cry she pushes him from her, and goes out._) - -(_Enter Ted and Cherry._) - -TED MORRIS. - -Hulloa, Jack, old man, anything up? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Yes, something rather important. I thought I'd just run down and see you -about it. (_Shaking hands with Cherry._) You're not looking too well, -Mr. Cherry. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -I'm a little worried, my dear boy--a little worried. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Oh, I'm so sorry. Well, look here, I'll talk about this matter to Ted, -then. I won't trouble you with it. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -No, dear boy; no. If it's about anybody else's worries it will help me -to forget my own. What is it? Nothing wrong with you, I hope? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -No, it's about other people. (_Commencing to take paper from his -pocket._) Have you seen _The Illustrated Police News_ this week? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Grasping what is coming._) Yes--I have. What do you know about it? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Oh! Oh, nothing (_unfolding paper_), except that the portrait of the -gentleman in the centre picture--drawn by a chum of mine who happened to -be present, and sent to the paper for a joke--seems to me an excellent -likeness of your friend Mr. Ben Dixon. Who do you say it is? (_Hands -paper to Cherry._) - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Taking paper from Cherry._) Great Scott! it _must_ be Ben Dixon. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Oh, it is. There's no question of doubt. Young Travers knows all about -the matter. It _is_ Mr. Ben Dixon. - -JACK MEDBURY - -Mrs. Wheedles says it isn't. - -TED MORRIS. - -Mrs. Wheedles? What does she know about it? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -She says she knows the party very well indeed, and that his name -is--Wheedles! - -TED MORRIS - -Wheedles! - -JACK MEDBURY. - -The long-lost Wheedles! - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Impossible! - -JACK MEDBURY. - -So I explained to her. I told her that he was an eminent philanthropist -and that his name was Ben Dixon. She said she didn't care what he was -or what he was called: his real name was Wheedles, he was her lawful -married husband, and if we would bring her face to face with him she -would precious soon prove it. - -(A pause. The three men look at one another.) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Well, from what I've found out to-day, I should say he was villain -enough for anything. - -TED MORRIS. - -And from what I've suspected for a pretty long time, I should say the -same. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -What are we to do? Mrs. Wheedles says she'll have the law on him. - -TED MORRIS. - -Why, do all we can as good citizens to assist Mrs. Wheedles and the law. -It will be a precious good thing for aunt to get rid of the old humbug. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -We must go to work cautiously you know, Ted, or we may only make matters -more unpleasant for your aunt than they are. Mrs. Wheedles may be -mistaken. - -TED MORRIS. - -I hope to goodness she isn't. I wonder how we can find out? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Oh, by-the-bye, she gave me this too (_produces photo and shows it_). -The last portrait of Wheedles--taken four years ago. (_Ted takes paper, -and compares photo with paper._) Should you say 'twas the same man? - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Examining_.) The whiskers make such a difference. Hadn't she got a -photo of him with some hair on his face? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -No. I asked her that. Wheedles seems to have always lived a clean-shaven -life. - -TED MORRIS. - -I wish we could get Ben Dixon to shave himself. - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Yes; that would be the thing - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Yes; but it's no good talking about that. He's hardly likely to do -that to please us. No, this is a matter that we must go to work about -cautiously. Now, you come with me, Jack, and we will talk it over with -young Travers (_moving with Jack towards door_). You stop here, Ted. -We'd better not be all together. It will look as if something was -the matter and we must keep the thing quiet. (_Cherry and Jack go off -talking_.) - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Crosses, and sitting on the easy chair enjoying the paper._) By Jove! -Old Ben at the Aquarium--drunk and---- - -(_Ben Dixon is heard whistling "There is a happy land." Ted, hearing -him, pushes paper under cushion. Crosses to fire whistling "Get your -hair cut." Enter Ben Dixon._) - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Looking about._) You haven't seen my spectacles anywhere, have you, -Ted? - -TED MORRIS. - -No, Mr. Ben Dixon. Did you leave them here? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Yes, I wish you'd look on the garden seat. I may have left them there. -Do you mind? - -TED MORRIS. - -Oh, certainly. (_Goes out through window. Ben Dixon hastily darts to -chair and, moving cushion, finds paper._) - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Seizing it with a cry of joy_.) Ah! So it _was_ here all the time. -Theo must have slipped it there when he heard Bella coming. What a bit -of luck. They've none of them seen it. (_Looking at it_) Oh, it is like -me. If I could only disguise myself for a little while, till---- - -(_Re-enter Ted. Ben Dixon hides paper under his coat._) - -TED MORRIS. - -No, I can't see them. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Oh, it's all right, my dear boy. I've found them, thanks. They were in -my pocket all the time. So silly of me, wasn't it? (_Laughs, and goes -out, whistling._) - -(_Enter Primrose by window._) - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_Looking in_) Business over? - -TED MORRIS. - -For the present--could it stay for a moment when pleasure in the person -of Miss Deane presents herself? (_Bows._) - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_Curtseying._) I thank you, fair sir. How very agreeable we've become -all of a sudden. - -TED MORRIS. - -"Become!" Ain't I always agreeable? - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -No. Not when you talk about going away and never coming back, and say -you hope it will be a long while before you see any of us again. - -TED MORRIS. - -I--I don't think I said I "hoped" it would be a long while. I think I -said I _feared_ it might be. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Oh, well, it's all the same. You needn't go away at all unless you -liked. - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Apologetically._) You see my examination is coming on pretty soon now. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Well, anyhow, you could come down again afterwards. (_A pause--pettishly -as she crosses to window._) But there! of course if you want to avoid -any chance of ever seeing any of us any more why---- (Turns her back on -him.) - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Speaking low and earnestly._) It would be better perhaps if I did -avoid seeing---- one of you any more. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Oh, what an unkind thing to say! Which one? Why? - -TED MORRIS. - -Because I'm afraid that if I saw very much more of her---- - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Of _her!_ - -TED MORRIS. - -Of her--I might make a fool of myself. (_A pause_.) - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_Who shows she fully understands his drift--coquettishly._) In--in any -particular sort of away? - -TED MORRIS. - -In a way that men often do make fools of themselves, Miss Deane. Perhaps -we'd better change the conversation. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -I--_I_think it's ra-rather interesting. - -TED MORRIS. - -(_With sudden eager excitement._) Miss Deane--Primrose--do you mean that -you could ever---- - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -(_Without._) Primrose--Primrose. (_Ted stops. Primrose starts, and seems -irritated._) (_Calling louder_.) Primrose. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_Calling._) Yes, Mrs. Ben Dixon, I'm coming. (_To Ted_.) Don't go away. -I'll be back again in a minute. (_Runs off._) - -TED MORRIS. - -By Jove! Am I awake or dreaming! She _must_ have meant she---- - -(Enter Theo.) - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -(_He is smoking a cigarette._) Oh, I thought Primrose was here. - -TED MORRIS. - -Yes. She--she'll be back in a minute, I think. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Oh. Just give her that. (_Hands him a letter._) Tell her not to be -alarmed at the seal. It's only from her guardian--the Lord Chancellor. - -TED MORRIS. - -The Lord Chancellor! - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Yes; didn't you know? She's a ward in Chancery. - -TED MORRIS. - -No--I--I thought it was only heiresses who were wards in Chancery. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Well, you'd call her an heiress, I suppose. She'll be worth about two -thousand a year. (_A pause._) - -TED MORRIS. - -(_With a slight laugh, and by a great effort, speaking in natural easy -tones._) I--I thought she was a poor little penniless orphan--dependent -on Aunt Bella. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -No; she doesn't suggest the heiress a bit, does she? Just as well she -doesn't, perhaps. One doesn't have to be keeping such a continual -look out for the fortune-hunting crew. She'll want to see me about that -letter, I expect. I shall be down on the Putting Green. (_Goes out._) - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Bitterly._) Yes, I was dreaming. This is the awakening. An heiress -with two thousand a year, and I with hardly a second coat to my back! A -smart pair they'd have said we were--Nelly and I. Damn the money! - -(_Enter Primrose._) - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_Running over to him._) I haven't been long, have I? - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Turning away from her._) Haven't you? It's seemed a long time. -(_Handing her the letter without looking at her._) I think Theodore -wants to see you about this letter. He's in the garden. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_She takes the letter but hardly glances at it._) Don't--don't you -want to see me? You--you were going to ask me if--if I meant--something -or other. - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Desperately._) Miss Deane, I--I acted a little strangely just now. -Please try to forget it. I--I don't think I quite knew what I was doing. - -PRIMROSE DEANE - -I will try to forget it, Mr. Morris. - -(_Enter Mrs. Ben Dixon and Jack_.) - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -(_As they come on_.) Well, drat the boy, you'll stop and have a cup of -tea, and a bit of seed cake. You've got time for that? - -JACK MEDBURY. - -Well, I won't say no to that. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Um--well, it's surprising that you don't. (_To Primrose._) Ring the -bell, dear, and let's have some tea up. Lord help the child, what's the -matter with _you?_ - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Nothing, Mrs. Ben Dixon. - -(_Cherry and Nelly enter._) - -MRS. BEN DIXON, - -For goodness sake, look it then. There's no need for the whole house to -be like a funeral party. Ted, do go and find Theodore. That tongue of -his will be of some use for once in a way. Tell him that if he'll come -in he can have all the conversation to himself--that ought to bring him. -(_Ted goes out by window_.) We'll have _somebody_ cheerful about. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Shall I see to the tea, aunt? You are looking so worried. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -No--no, child. Let me be doing something, then - -I don't think. What's brought that artist friend of yours down in such a -hurry? There's nothing wrong with Ted, is there? - -NELLY MORRIS. - -No--I don't think so, aunt. - -MRS. BEN DIXON: - -Um--just the afternoon for it to happen if there was. Troubles always -come together in this world, and they don't even make the usual -reduction for taking a quantity. - -(Enter Theodore and Ted by window.) - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Want me, mater? - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Yes, I do--look at us all. Did you ever see a collection of people -looking more as if they'd just been fined forty shillings all round? -We want some of your light philosophical conversation. Make us a bit -cheerful. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -(_Looks round._) Too big an order for me, mater. You want a soothing and -elevating influence here. Where's Ben? - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Don't you try to irritate me with that step-father of yours, Theodore, -or you and I---- - -(Enter servant.) - -SERVANT. - -Did you ring, ma'am? - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Yes, bring the tea, and tell Davis to---- - -(_Enter Ben Dixon. He has shaved himself. He enters singing. The servant -remains, staring at his master._) - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -(_Staring aghast at Ben Dixon._) Lord save us all! What's the man done -to himself! - -(_Cherry, Jack, and Ted have been talking together. They have not yet -looked at Ben Dixon. On hearing this, Cherry starts and looks rounds -then whips out the photo of Wheedles from his pocket, and looks from it -to Ben Dixon. Ted and Jack look over Cherry's shoulder._) - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Sweetly._) Only shaved, Sweety. (_Looks round at them all_). How do -you like me? - -TED MORRIS. - -(_In an excited whisper_). By Jove! it _is_---- - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Quiet. - -Curtain. - - - - - -THE THIRD ACT. - -_Cherry's sitting-room at Mrs. Wheedles'. A comfortable, old-fashioned -room furnished in good substantial style. Cherry and Mrs. Wheedles -discovered. Cherry smoking pipe in his easy chair before fire. Mrs. -Wheedles sits uncomfortably on extreme edge of the other easy-chair._ - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -And you really think, he'll come? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Tolerably sure of it, Mrs. Wheedles. I flatter myself I baited the -hook pretty artfully. I wrote him that if he could call here about four -o'clock to-day I could introduce him to a lady who I knew took great -interest in his schemes, and that I thought some advantage might result -from the meeting. (_Chuckles_.) And so I hope it will. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -And he said he would? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -He replied that he would not allow such an opportunity for benefiting -the human race to escape him for worlds, and that he would be here to -the minute. - -MRS. WHEEDLES, - -(_Glances at clock over mantel_.) It's twenty minutes to four now. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Looks at his watch._) Ah, that's five minutes fast. Mrs. Ben Dixon's -rather late though. She said she'd be here at half-past three. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -How has she taken it, poor woman? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Well, of course it's a very unpleasant position for her, but, between -ourselves, I fancy she will be very glad if it turns out that he _is_ -your husband, and, consequently, not hers. I expect that's why she's so -anxious to be in the "show," as she calls it. She says she wants to see -the truth for herself, and fix him down. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -She hasn't said a word to him about it, I suppose? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -She hasn't had a chance--yet. They quarrelled over money matters -(_groans to himself_) and other things, and she left him before she ever -heard of this. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -Ah, she could never really have loved him, Mr. Cherry. (_Wipes away a -tear._) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -I'm inclined to agree with you there, Mrs. Wheedles. (_He crosses to -window, looking at his watch._) I wish she'd come. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -(_Crying._) Such a good man as he was--before he went wrong. (_Bell -heard._) She starts up. Oh Lord, that's him, I feel it in my bones. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Looking out of window._) Your bones have misled you, Mrs. Wheedles. -It's Mr. Travers, and--(_looking out further_), no, it isn't big enough -for Mrs. Ben Dixon. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -Oh dear, it gave me quite a spasm. I wish I didn't feel in such a -fluster. - -(_The door at back is opened by a maid, and Theodore enters followed by -Primrose. Mrs. Wheedles slips quietly out._) - -ADAM CHERRY - -(_Greeting Theodore._) Where's Mrs. Ben Dixon? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -She'll be here in a minute. It occurred to her when we got to Paddington -Station that she hadn't had any lunch, and that this wasn't a scene to -be gone through on an empty stomach. So we left her there laying in -a beefsteak and a bottle of stout. Miss Deane has come with us. She -thought she would like to see Nelly. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_Advancing and shaking hands with Cherry._) Yes, Mr. Cherry. Do you -know if she's in? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -She's upstairs all alone, my dear. She'll be so pleased to see you, I -know. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Oh, I'll run up to her, then. (_Moves towards door._) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Yes, do, my dear. (_Following her._) Let me---- - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_Stopping him._) No, don't trouble, Mr. Cherry. I know my way. (_Opens -door, and goes out._) - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -I say--I suppose there's no where in this room where I could hide, is -there? (_Looks round_.) It will be a lovely scene, you know--quite a -family group, Ben and his two wives. (_Enthusiastically_.) Why, such an -opportunity may not occur again for years. Can't you put me behind these -curtains? (_He is by window_.) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Oh, my dear boy, impossible! - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Um! 'Twould be awkward I suppose. Pity! (_hopefully,_) What sort of a -keyhole have you got? (_Crossing to door, Right._) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Laughs._) Not much good to you, I'm afraid. You can't get the key out. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -(_Who has opened the door--the key being outside--trying it._) Ah, no -encouragement to an artist anywhere here. I shall have to pump the scene -out of the mater afterwards, and her accounts are always so painfully -idealistic. - -(_Ted enters._) - -Hulloa, Ted! - -TED MORRIS. - -Hulloa! You here? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Yes. (_Looks at him._) You've been ploughed then? - -TED MORRIS. - -Who told you? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -You did, by your face. What does it feel like? - -TED MORRIS. - -(_With a cynical laugh_) Do you want to make notes? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -(_Taking out his note-book_) If you are sure you don't mind. - -TED MORRIS. - -Not at all. Delighted to be of service to the cause of literature. Now -let me see how does a man feel. Well, at first he feels sick and dazed. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -(_Writing_) Yes. - -TED MORRIS. - -And then he gets mad and curses himself and the world and everybody in -it; and feels---- - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Half a minute, old chap, I am not a typewriter. - -TED MORRIS. - -----and feels that he'd like to go to the devil only he hasn't got the -travelling expenses. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Quite right. The expensiveness of vice I have always considered to be -virtue's greatest safeguard. Poor people can only afford to go as far as -the dogs. Yes? - -TED MORRIS. - -Oh, and then--oh, then he feels very weary of the whole thing and wishes -that he could get away from it all, and go to sleep--for a long time. -(_Throws himself in chair._) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Oh, come, you mustn't despair. You've only been "spun," as you fellows -call it, for a few months. - -TED MORRIS. - -Oh, no, it's nothing very terrible to be "spun," if you've got anything -to spin on. - -THEODORE TRAVERS - -Yes--a top spins best when it's full of air--a man doesn't. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -You see, you won't let anybody help you, Ted - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Rising._) Oh, that's only my nonsense, Mr. Cherry. We're not paupers. -(_To Theodore._) Are you coming upstairs to see Nelly? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Yes, yes; I'll come up with you now. How is she? - -TED MORRIS. - -Oh, not too jolly. You'll be able to make a few notes. (_They go out_.) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Poor boy! Ah, well, he won't be able to help my helping him when I'm his -brother-in-law! (_He takes up a photo of Nelly lying on table._) Dear, -dear me, fancy me a married man, with somebody to call "my dear!" You're -a lucky dog, Adam Cherry--a lucky dog, even if you have been swindled -out of all your savings, and have to go on working for your living! Bah! -what's _work_ when you've got somebody to work for? Why---- -(_Notices Theodore's note-book left on table and pauses._) Hulloa! Our -literary friend's note-book. (_Takes it up and turns it about in his -hand, musing._) I wonder if there'd be any harm now in looking inside? -I should like to see how he goes to work--oh, it's only just the same as -an artist's sketch-book, and nobody minds looking into that. (_Opens it -at end and reads._) "June 28th, Brussels. Good idea for farcical comedy. -N.B. Will probably need toning down for English market. Married lady -starts to call on elderly gentleman of irreproachable character, -she----"(_Reads on with broadening smile extending to chuckle--suddenly -checks himself._) Yes--it probably would (_Turns over more leaves._) -Hulloa, what's this marked "Unfinished. Novel or comedy. Characters: -Good-hearted, but chuckle-headed old man, knows himself fifty-five, -calls himself forty-five, fancies himself thirty-five." (_Chuckles_): -Ah, yes, I know that class of man--very clever, very clever! "Young -artist, somewhat conventional type, see page 3. Girl, cross between -the romantically heroic and the quaintly practical. Girl loves artist. -Artist loves girl. But both are poor. Old chap, well off, proposes to -girl. She, tired of poverty, throws love to the dogs and accepts. Old -fellow suspects nothing and tells himself that he will soon win her love -by his devotion and all that sort of thing. Will he ever find out the -truth?" Ah, yes, that ought to make a capital story. I wonder what -_will_ happen? (_Putting down book._) I feel quite sorry for that old -man. A _very_ interesting little story indeed. I wonder where he got it -from now? (_Takes up book again._) He's dated it June 14th--June -14th--why---- Yes, that's the day I proposed to Nelly--and--he was here -that day. (_Sits thinking. Suddenly a suspicion of the truth flashes -across him. He hurriedly takes the book and reads again, this time in a -trembling voice._) "Chuckle-headed old man--Young artist." (_Thinks_). -Jack Medbury. "Girl loves artist--artist loves girl--old chap well -off--proposes to girl. She, tired of poverty, throws love to the dogs -and accepts. Old fellow suspects nothing--tells himself he will soon win -her love by his devotion, and--and all that sort of thing." (_Lets his -hand with book fall on table._) That's the true story. It's _I_ who have -been building up the romance. Jack used to be here every day. He's never -been near the place since. Nelly never smiles even now. I've fancied it -was because she was ill and worried, and that I should be able to make -her happy as soon as I had her all to myself and could take care of her. -(_Irritably pushing the book away from him._) I wish people wouldn't -leave their things about. (_Bows his head between his hands._) - -(_Primrose pushes open the door gently and enters. Seeing Cherry in this -attitude, she comes softly over and lays her hand on his shoulder._) - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Are you ill, Mr. Cherry? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Starting._) No, my dear; no. I was only thinking. How--how do you -think Nelly's looking? - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_She has brought in some flowers and is arranging them in vase._) Oh, -pretty well. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -It--it doesn't seem to you, my dear, does it, that she's fretting -herself about anything? - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_Puzzled how to answer._) Oh no; I expect she's worried about her -brother, you know, Mr. Cherry, and poor Mrs. Ben Dixon. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Ah, yes, yes; but don't you think there may be something else -besides--something more nearly concerning herself? - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Why do you ask, Mr. Cherry? (_She comes to him_.) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Rising and taking both her hands._) Because, my dear, I'm a very -inexperienced old man, and I want some shrewd little person who -understands these matters better than I do to advise me. (_Very -earnestly_.) Do you think, my dear, I shall be making Nelly happy by -marrying her? - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Truthfully, Mr. Cherry? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Truthfully, my dear, for both our sakes. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Then I don't, Mr. Cherry. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -You--you think there's somebody else who could do it better? (_Primrose -nods her head._) Thank you, my dear (_releases her hands_). - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -I'm so sorry, Mr. Cherry. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -There'd be more to be sorry for still, my dear, if were too late to mend -matters (_turning away_). We won't talk about it any more. Have you seen -Ted? - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -N-no. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Not! Why he's just gone upstairs. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_Awkwardly._) Y-yes--I--I heard him come in. I was in Nelly's room. I -came out by the other door. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Looking at her with surprise._) I thought you and he were such good -friends? - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -This world's friendships are very fleeting. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_With a smile._) My dear, there's some mistake here. I said just now -that I was inexperienced. But there are some things that even dim eyes -cannot help seeing, and I'm sure that--forgive me, my dear, I'm only an -old fellow--that he cared for you very much. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_Looking out of window._) He--he made me think so. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -And then you quarrelled? - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -No--he changed--all of a sudden just as--as if he had found out -something bad against me--and--and I've never done anything bad--not, -not _very_ bad (_choking a sob_). Do you think anybody could have said -anything to set him against me? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Oh, impossible! What could---- Wait a minute, though. There's one thing -somebody might have told him about you that would have been enough to -send Master Ted off at double quick march. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -What? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Can't you think? - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -N-no. Is there anything very dreadful about me, then? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Yes, my dear--to a young fellow as proud as he is poor--your money. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -My money! Won't anybody ever lo--like me then because I've got some -money? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Plenty, my dear. But pennyless young men who fall in love with heiresses -are liable to be dubbed "fortune-hunters," and our high-spirited young -friend---- - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_Interrupting petulantly._) Rather than risk that, would sacrifice all -his life's happiness. I call it very horrid and--and very selfish of -him. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -It's very silly, my dear, but depend upon it that's the explanation. -You---- - -(_Primrose, when she entered, left the door a little open, and now -Ted is heard whistling as he comes downstairs. Primrose is in front of -easy-chair. Cherry pushes her down into it and stands before her._) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Tell him what you think of him. - -(_Enter Ted, still smoking his pipe._) - -TED MORRIS. - -Do you mind my sitting down here for a little while, Cherry? I'm -tired of walking about the streets, and I'm not feeling in good enough -condition to sit out Travers' wit and humour. I've left him upstairs -with Nelly. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Certainly, my dear boy. Stop here as long as ever you like and make -yourself comfortable. I'll be back in a few minutes. (_He goes out._) - -TED MORRIS. - -(_He strolls to window, whistling, and looks out._) It's a damned world. - -(Primrose coughs.) - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Startled, he looks round and sees Primrose._) I--I beg your pardon, -Miss Deane. I had no idea _you_ were here. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Is that the way you usually talk when I'm _not_ here? - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Smiling._) Not always (_Gloomily again._) The truth is I'm a bit down -on my luck just now, and---- - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_Kindly_) I know. Nelly has been telling me. I am so very sorry. - -TED MORRIS. - -Thank you, Miss Deane, I knew you would be. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_Frigidly._) Oh, did you? I don't think you had any right to assume it -after your conduct at out last interview. I suppose you know that I'm -excessively angry with you. - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Dismally._) You have every right to be. (_A pause--Ted goes to -window._) - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -I think if I were a gentleman, and had behaved exceedingly rudely to -a lady, I should take the first opportunity of begging her pardon, and -asking her to--to _try_ and forgive me. - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Still at window._) I do beg your pardon, Miss Deane, from the bottom -of my heart. And I should like you to forgive me--if you ever could. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -I don't think that's at all the way anybody ought to ask anybody else's -pardon (_looks across at him_) all that way off. And I can't forgive you -until I know why you did it. (_A pause._) Why--why did you do it? - -TED MORRIS. - -I--I cannot tell you. Please don't ask me. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -I suppose then I must think what I like? - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Gloomily._) I'm afraid so. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -I--I thought at one time it might be because--(_looking slyly at him_) -because I had lost all my money. - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Turning suddenly mid eagerly._) Lost all your money? - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_Looking carefully away._) Yes. I thought somebody might have told -you--people are so fond of telling bad news--and that you didn't care -to have anything more to do with me after that. Of course, when people -have lost all their money they can't expect people to be so nice as--as -they were before. - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Who has stood rooted to the ground._) Then that was what that letter -was about. It came just at that very time. And--and you have been -thinking that of me! (_Rushes across and kneels down beside her, and -takes her hands._) Miss Deane--Primrose--let me work for you. Let me -take care of you all your life. I can do it now. I feel like a new man. -I can face the whole College of Surgeons and the world too, and lick -them both. (_His manner grows more and more enthusiastic and joyous._) - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -You--you're not very sympathetic. - -TED MORRIS. - -I know I'm a selfish brute. I can't help it. You shan't regret it. I'll -make another fortune for you and you shall have it all. Primrose, dear, -I love you, I love you. I could not speak when you were rich, but now -you are poor I can. You--you do care for me a little, dear. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -A little, Ted. - -TED MORRIS. - -Enough to be my wife? - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Yes, I think it's enough for that. (_Ted draws her face down and kisses -her._) And you don't mind the money either way? - -TED MORRIS. - -Of course not, dear. - -PRIMROSE DEANE, - -And you care for me just the same, rich or poor? - -TED MORRIS. - -(_He sits on arm of chair beside her_.) Now and always, sweetheart, rich -or poor. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -I'm glad of that. I shouldn't like to be cared for merely because I was -poor. It would be so awkward if--if one wasn't poor. - -TED MORRIS. - -But you are poor? - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Not--not very, I'm afraid, dear. - -TED MORRIS. - -You said you'd lost all your money! - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -No, I didn't, Ted. I said somebody might have told you I had. People do -tell things about other people that are not true sometimes. (_Ted rises -and stands by table, looking troubled. Primrose breaks into a ringing -laugh._) You can't get out of it now, Ted. I could bring a breach of -promise case against you. (_Ted still looks stern. Primrose rises and -comes to him, playing with one of his coat buttons._) I've deceived -and trapped you into it, haven't I? Please forgive me. It--it isn't -so _very_ much, and I could give it away to the Salvation Army if you -liked, or we could let Mr. Ben Dixon lay it out for us. (_Laughs._) - -TED MORRIS. - -You don't understand, dear. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_Seriously._) Yes--I do, dear. You're a silly stuck-up old thing. -You never would have spoken so long as you thought I was rich--and -I--(_nestling against him_) wanted you. - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Relenting._) They'll say I married you for your money. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Don't you care for me sufficiently, dear, not to mind what "they" say? -(_Looking him earnestly in the face._) - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Looks at her, and then takes her face in his hands and kisses her._) -Yes, dear, forgive me. (_After this, in loverlike fashion, they commence -walking about the room and talking with their arms round each other's -waists._) - -TED MORRIS. - -Let me see. I shall pass my examination in November. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -And then we must look about for a nice little practice. We'll have one -somewhere in the country, shall we? - -TED MORRIS. - -Yes. (_Musing._) I wish I hadn't been fool enough to let that Ben Dixon -have all---- - -(_A knock at front door heard. Primrose runs to window and looks out._) - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -Yes, I thought so. It's Mrs. Ben Dixon. (_Running to door and holding -out her hand to Ted._) Let's go upstairs to Nelly. (_Ted catches her -hand, and they run off, leaving the door wide open behind them. A wait. -Then enters Mrs. Ben Dixon, shown in by servant._) - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Is Adam Cherry in? (_Cherry follows in._) Oh, here you are. I ain't late, -am I? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -No--not as it happens. But I'm expecting him every minute. (_To -servant_.) Ask Mrs. Wheedles to step up, will you? (_Servant goes out._) - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -I was bound to stop and get a snack. This is going to be a trying scene, -you know, Cherry. What does--what's the poor woman's name--Mrs. Wheedles ---think about it now? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Oh, much the same. She's still sure he's the man. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -I hope to goodness she's right. We shall look silly, you know, Cherry, -if he isn't. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -And he will look silly if he is. (_Enter Mrs. Wheedles. She is nervous -but tries to be confident and to behave, as she would term it, "as -a lady"_) Oh here you are, Mrs. Wheedles. This is Mrs.---- -(_pauses--awkwardly_.) - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Well, we're not sure who I am at present. That's just what I've come to -find out. I suppose there'll be no doubt about your knowing this beauty -if he is the man? - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -(_Stiffly_.) I think not, madam. I was his wife for ten years. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Ten! Ah, poor soul, no wonder you look sad. I've been it for eighteen -months. I hope you mean to be firm, Mrs. Wheedles? - -MRS. WHEEDLES. I shall do my duty as a woman. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -I'm glad to hear you say so. I hope he'll get two years. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -(_Sighing._) Ah, so happy as we used to be, too. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -If you take my advice, you'll make him fork out something to divide -between you, and then let him go. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Now look here, Cherry, don't you suggest anything of the kind. Don't you -interfere between us and our husband. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -_My_ husband, madam. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Oh, all right, your husband. I'm sure you're quite welcome to him. I've -saved a good deal more out of the wreck than I expected to, thanks to -Theodore; and we shouldn't get anything out of him if we tried. He's -deceived me and he's deceived Mrs. Wheedles--as simple and trusting a -woman as ever breathed, I should say, from the look of her. I want to -think of him as doing some hard work for once in his life. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -You're quite right, ma'am. He doesn't deserve any mercy at our hands--a -good wife I was to him--none of your flighty sort. (_Begins to cry. Bell -heard._) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -There he is, I expect. I must see him first. You just step in there -(_indicating door_) and wait till I've gone out and closed the door -behind me. That will be your cue. (_The two women retire towards inner -room._) I shall be in the little room the other side of the passage if -you want me. (_Ben Dixon's voice is heard in passage. Cherry nods and -signs the two women to disappear. They do so, closing the door behind -them._) - -(Enter Ben Dixon. He is dressed for travelling, bag and umbrella. He -enters, beaming as usual, and laying down his hat, bag, and umbrella -on chair by door, advances to Cherry and shakes hands with him with one -hand while holding his watch in the other. ) - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -My dear Cherry, I've only just ten minutes. Is the lady here? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Oh, yes, but--but I'm afraid she'll want to talk to you for more than -ten minutes. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Makes a clicking noise with his tongue._) I'm really afraid I cannot -spare her any more. I must catch the afternoon mail from Charing Cross. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Quickly_.) Going abroad? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Yes, Mr. Cherry. - -ADAM CHERRY.' - -Anything to do with the "Anti-Alcoholic and Mineral Water Union?" - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Partly so. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Ah! I thought you'd be having to travel soon in connection with that -affair. I'll send the lady to you at once, anyhow. (_Moving towards door -at back._) - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Do, Mr. Cherry; do. And if she's got the cash ready--or a cheque, it -really ought not to take long, you know. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -I'll leave you to explain the situation to her yourself. - -(_Cherry goes out slamming the door behind him. Ben Dixon goes to his -bag and takes out a prospectus and crossing and standing facing windows -begins to read it to himself. While he is doing this Mrs. Ben Dixon and -Mrs. Wheedles enter quietly._) - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_With prospectus in his hand rehearsing to himself in soft voice what -he intends to say to his supposed client._) You will be assisting, my -dear madam, in saving many poor souls from destruction; you will also -get 15 per cent, for your money. For myself---- - -(_He turns and sees the two women. The paper drops from his hand and he -stands looking from one to the other like a trapped rat. For an instant -he thinks of escape. He makes a step towards the door at back, but Mrs. -Ben Dixon makes a movement to cut him off, then towards door Right, -before which Mrs Wheedles stands. Then he makes a movement as if -thinking of the window. Then seeing the hopelessness of his case and -understanding the situation, he makes up his mind. With an expression -of wonder and joy, he advances with outstretched arms towards Mrs. -Wheedles._) - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -What, Gerty! And you're _not_ dead! Oh, why did they tell me that you -were! Why---- - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -(_Intercepts him_.) Here, that won't do. That's a bit too thin, Ben. You -described yourself when you married me as a bachelor. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -I know I did, my dear, but I can explain--I can explain everything. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -You will have the opportunity of doing so--before the magistrate -(_regarding him with concentrated disgust_), you sanctimonious old -scoundrel. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -A good wife as I was to you, Henery, how could you do it? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -My dear Gertrude, I can explain. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Explain! You'll explain yourself into heaven if they're not sharp. Can -you explain why you humbugged and lied an unfortunate fool of a woman -into marrying you? - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -And broke your poor wife's heart. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -And tried to swindle her out of every penny she possessed. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -And deserted a poor harmless babe as was the very image of him. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -I'm sorry for the child; but we'll make him pay for it, Mrs. Wheedles. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -If you will only allow me to explain. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Explain? What is there to explain? Do you deny that you are married to -Mrs. Wheedles, there? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Virtuously_). No, Bella, I do not! No consideration of consequence to -myself shall induce me to deny it. I am proud--as anyone might be--to be -the husband of this noble lady! (_Crosses over to Mrs. Wheedles' side._) - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Oh, well you've been pretty modest about it of late. And do you deny -that eighteen months ago you married me? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_More in sorrow than in anger._) No, Bella, much as I may regret it--I -do not, I _will_ not deny the truth. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. Why did you do it, Henery? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -It was wrong of me. I own it. We are none of us perfect. The woman -tempted me, and I fell. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -I tempted you? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -You, Bella. I do not blame you. You loved me--at least you said you -did--and you dangled your purse before me. I thought of all the -good that I could do to others with your money. I always do think of -others--it is my weakness. I sacrificed myself for the good of humanity. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -(_Too staggered for words_). Well, I'm---- - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -You never thought of poor _me_, Henery. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_With an air of sweet sadness._) Not think of you, Gertrude? Ah, how -often have I not longed to seek you--to come to you with outstretched -arms and say, "Gertrude, let us forgive and forget, let us be happy -again as we were in the dear old days gone by." (_Stifles a sob._) - -MRS. BEN DIXON. Why didn't you do it? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -My dear Bella, do not interrupt. There were reasons rendering it -necessary for me to control my longing--you were one of them. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -And did you never think of what had become of me--of how I was getting -on? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Do you think I could have lived a moment in doubt? I made enquiries. -They told me you were well and---- - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -You said just now they told you she was dead. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Irritably._) My good woman, do be quiet. I'm not addressing you. I'm -talking to my wife. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -Do let the man explain. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Explain! And do you mean to say you're going to be fool enough to listen -to him--you poor ninny-hammer? - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -(_Bridling._) Don't you call me names, ma'am. I'm a respectable married -woman, which is more than some people are. - -MRS. BEN DIXON - -And whose fault if they're not, I should like to know? Why couldn't you -keep him when you'd got him?--not let him loose to prey on poor fools -like me. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -Why did you come with your arts and your tricks and lure him away, -ma'am? - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -I! I lure away _that!_ You silly old woman! - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -No more a silly old woman than you are, ma'am. He was a loving Christian -husband till you came between us with your painted face. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -(_Close to her._) You say I paint my face, and I'll pull your false -front off. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_He has hitherto remained standing between them in an attitude -expressive of pious indifference, his finger-tips pressed against each -other._) Ladies! ladies! - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -(_Turns fiercely on him._) You be quiet (_he skips out of her way_), -and keep your breath to bamboozle that poor fool with. You take him back -again, my dear, you haven't had enough of him as yet. I shan't interfere -I am only too glad to be rid of him. Only if he makes a fool of you a -second time, don't you come to me for sympathy. I've done with you both, -and I've done with respectability. I've paid enough for being a prude. -For the future give me something wholesome and disreputable. (_She -sweeps out by door at back which she slams behind her._) - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -(_Calling after her_.) Hussy! - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Soothing her._) Don't take any notice of her, dearest; she's a little -excited, that's all. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -(_Clinging to him._) I feel so upset, Henery (_crying_). - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Of course you do. You're not strong, Gertrude. We must take more care of -you. (_Puts his arm round her while slyly looking at his watch._) - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -(_Looking up lovingly at him!_) You won't leave me again? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_He hastily slips watch out of sight._) Leave you! Not now that I -have you once again. (_Squeezes her to him tenderly--then with joyful -playfulness._) And I'll tell you what we'll do, Gerty, to celebrate -this joyful reunion. We'll have one of our dear little old evenings -out together--do you remember them? The little dinner at the little -restaurant with the little bottle of wine, and the Adelphi afterwards. -(_Mrs. Wheedles answers with a look and a coy laugh._) Run and put your -bonnet on and we'll trot off together this very minute and get away from -them all. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -I must just change my dress, Henery. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Of course, of course you must, you long will it? - -But it won't take - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -Not more than ten minutes. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_He edges her towards the door._) Ah, well, be as quick as you can, -dear. I'll wait down here for you. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -You--you _will_ wait, Henery? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Offended._) Gertrude! - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -No--I didn't mean that, dear. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -I know you didn't. I know you didn't (_pushing her playfully out._) And, -Gerty! (_she stops_) you haven't got the cherry coloured one still by -you?--the one you used to look so saucy in? - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -(_At open door._) Yes, I have, Henery. I've never worn it since the day -you left me. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Put that one on, will you? Eh? (_They both laugh playfully and he pats -her cheek and she goes off--he watches her off then closes the door._) -Poor old soul! (_Looks at watch and collects his bag, umbrella, hat, -etc._) Now if that fool of a cab isn't gone I can just---- (_He has -his hat on and with his watch in his hand is opening door when--Enter -Cherry, who stands blocking his exit._) - -Can't stop a minute, my dear Cherry; so sorry. Good-bye! (_Tries to -pass_.) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Coming in and closing door._) Don't you say goodbye till you're clear -off. You've got to have a chat with me first. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -My dear sir, I positively decline. I am not at all pleased with you; -I consider you have acted in a most unchristianlike manner. I am -disappointed in you, Mr. Cherry. More disappointed that I can say. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Then don't say it. The less you say, the sooner you'll get off, and I -take it you want to get clear off before Mrs. Wheedles comes downstairs -again. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Mr. Cherry, I do. I frankly admit it. Mrs. Wheedles is an excellent -woman--a worthy woman, but--well, I put it to _you_, would _you_ like to -live with her--as a husband? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Mr. Wheedles! - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Don't be absurd, sir. How dare you misunderstand me? I mean am I to -blame for not wanting to? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -We won't go into that question. I am with you so far as to think that -she will be much better off without you, and I also admit that I have no -_wish_ to lodge an information against you on my own account--if we can -come to terms. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Come to terms! What do you mean? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -I mean I want £4,000 in notes or gold out of you before you leave this -house. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -£4,000! Do you think, sir, that I'm a travelling bank? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -I know that you've made arrangements to go straight from this house -on an absconding tour to the continent, and it's not unreasonable to -suppose that under the circumstances you've got about you all the cash -you could scrape together. Anyhow, if I don't have the satisfaction of -getting the £4,000 out of you I'll have the satisfaction of handing you -over to the police. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Mounting the high horse._) My good sir, do you know the legal term for -what you are doing? "Endeavouring to extort money by threats." Are you -aware that that is an indictable offence? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Putting his hands in his pockets._) All right. Indict away. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Looks at watch_.) Damn it, here's five minutes gone already. My dear -sir, do be reasonable. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -My dear Mr. Ben Dixon--or Wheedles--or whatever your name really is, -don't argue You are getting off uncommonly cheap. I say nothing about -the money you've swindled Mrs. Ben Dixon out of. I say nothing about the -money you've swindled me out of. But I want the money you've swindled -that poor boy and girl upstairs out of--and I mean to have it. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -But if I haven't got it? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Then you'll get five years' penal servitude for bigamy. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Dear, dear me, how Providence does seem against me to-day. Oh, this is -a beast of a house (_savagely._) What is it you do want? Be quick about -it? (_Slams down bag and umbrella and seats himself at table._) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_He has brought writing materials from sideboard and placed them_.) -I want you to write a pleasant little note to Ted and Nelly, explaining -the circumstances, and enclosing the £4,000, that's all. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -Say £2,000, Mr. Cherry--£2,000 and a little something for yourself. I -should like to give you a little something for yourself. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -£4,000--or Bow Street. You'd better be quick. You wouldn't look well -with your hair short. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Gives him a look of intense malevolence and begins to write_) '.--"My -dear children, before leaving England, under circumstances needless to -be stated here, my thoughts naturally revert to my beloved ones."--Mr. -Cherry, I consider you to be a damned scoundrel.--"It has all along -been my intention to make good to you, my dear children, the loss -you sustained when Providence ceased to smile upon the Nonconformist -Building Society, Limited (_with concentrated rage._) My doing so leaves -me a comparative pauper, but do not grieve for me." - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Who is standing beside him, looking over._) That's rather needless, -isn't it? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Savagely_.) Shut up! (_Writing._) "Committing you, my dear beloved -ones, to the care of Providence, and trusting that one day we may be -all reunited in the bourne of the righteous, I remain your loving and -affectionate uncle, Henry." (_Lays letter down and addresses envelope._) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Taking up and looking at letter._) Very good--very good indeed. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Snatching letter away, and putting it in envelope._) Hypocrite! -(_Takes out pocket-book and begins counting notes--pausing half-way -through._) It's a lot of money, Mr. Cherry, to put all at once into the -hands of two inexperienced young persons. Wouldn't it be better for us -to give them £2,000 now, and let me send them the rest later on? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Don't be silly! You're wasting time. Mrs. Wheedles will be down in a -minute. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_He gives Cherry another savage look and goes on counting; having -finished he puts them in an envelope._) All my little savings, and me an -old man. (_Is about to close envelope._) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Taking it from him_.) You don't mind my counting them? - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_Wounded._) Do you mistrust me? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Counting._) Merely a matter of form. £3,995 here, Mr. Wheedles. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -(_He has collected his baggage, and is on the point of slipping off. He -now draws forth and hands Cherry another note._) I look upon you as a -common thief, sir, and if I was a young man, I'd---- - -ADAM CHERRY. - -There's nothing further that need detain you, Mr. Wheedles. - -MR. BEN DIXON. - -I am going, sir. I shake the dust of this house off my feet. (_Opens -door at back and glances out, then turns towards Cherry and speaks in a -suppressed voice._) I should never have thought it possible that any man -could be so deceived in another as I have been in you. (_Looks out again -and then round._) I have no hesitation in describing you, Mr. Cherry, -as a blackleg--an experienced blackleg, sir. (_Looks out as before._) -I only hope that----- (_Hears noise, looks out, slips round door, and -disappears._) - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(He follows to door and looks after him.) Ah, well, I think that counts -one to you, Adam Cherry. - -(_Enter Nelly._) - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Will you come upstairs and see my aunt before she goes, Adam? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Oh, tell her, my dear, she can come down. It's all right now. Come in a -minute I want to speak to you. (_He closes door._) - -NELLY MORRIS. - -Is he gone? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Yes, my dear. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -For good? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Let us hope so. He is on his way to the continent. And (_giving to her -letter_) he left this letter, my dear, for you and Ted. I think you will -find the contents very satisfactory. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -It's the best thing that could happen, undoubtedly. I suppose he's -walked off with nearly all aunt's money? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -A good deal of it I'm afraid, dear. And he's not the only old man who's -had the idea of walking off with other people's property. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -(_With a laugh._) Have you been finding out any more of them? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Yes, my dear (_turning towards her_). An old gentleman, my dear, -(_taking her hand and stroking it_) that was about to walk off with -a beautiful young lady who, by all the laws of love, was the rightful -property of somebody else. Only, fortunately, he was stopped in time. -(_Nelly looks at him and is about to speak. Stopping her, kindly._) -Don't say anything, my dear, it will be less painful for both of us. I -was an old fool; and you--you thought of others more than of yourself, -my dear. (_Lightly_) The property must be restored to its real owner, -and I must leave you, my dear, to make all necessary compensation for -temporary loss. See Jack and tell him you are free. - -(_Enter Mrs. Ben Dixon, followed by Theodore._) - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -We saw that old scoundrel sneak off. Is he coming back? - -I fancy not. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Did Mrs. Wheedles let him go? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -I don't think she knows as yet. She's got to learn it poor woman. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Poor soul! I must stop and say a kind word to her. I've been calling her -a lot of bad names. (_Suddenly_) Here, do you know what Ted's done? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Alarmed._) Nothing rash? - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Well, it all depends upon how you look at it. He's, got himself engaged -to Primrose. - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Smiling meaningly._) Rather a good thing for him, isn't it? - -(_Enter Primrose and Ted_.) - -PRIMROSE. - -(_Who has overheard Cherry's remark as she enters._) No, it isn't. You -mustn't think that at all, Mr. Cherry. - -I haven't any money, we're going to give it all away. Ted doesn't want -me to have any. - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -(_Aside to her._) Put it by, quietly, my dear, and hear what he says two -years after marriage. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -(_Who has been occupying an unobtrusive position, taking notes._) You -know I think it extremely uncivil of you; Ted, I had always regarded -Primrose as my own personal property. I had been "nursing" her, as we -say in the political world, for years. - -TED MORRIS. - -(_Laughing!_) I should have thought that a man of your age would have -got over all ideas of that kind. - -PRIMROSE DEANE. - -(_Laughing._) Besides, Theodore, I'm not literary. You know I read the -_Family Herald_. - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -My dear Primrose, that's a great mistake people make. A literary man -doesn't want a literary wife. It would be like living with a critic. A -clever man wants a wife foolish enough to always admire him. We should -have got on admirably together. (_To Cherry_.) You haven't seen my -pocket-book about anywhere, have you, Cherry? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Taking it from his pocket and giving it to him._) Yes, you left it -on the table. I took the liberty of glancing into it; you don't mind I -suppose? - -THEODORE TRAVERS. - -Not at all. Learnt how to write a comedy? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Yes, and (_turning away_) how to live one. - -NELLY MORRIS - -(_Who has been reading letter._) Ted. (_He comes to her._) Mr. Ben Dixon -left this addressed to us. (_Gives it him_.) Read it. - -TED MORRIS - -Moral advice, I suppose. Why what--why here's notes for---- - -NELLY MORRIS. - -It's the money you let him have to put in that building society. - -TED MORRIS. - -What, the whole £4,000! Nelly, we're rich! Primrose! (_She comes to -him._) Poor old Ben, he wasn't so bad. (_Nelly, Primrose, and ted talk -together near window._) - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -That was very clever of you, Adam. I never thought of that. You're a -good sort, Cherry. - -(_Enter Mrs. Wheedles, dressed somewhat extravagantly. She comes in -eagerly, then pauses at door and looks round. Her heart sinks._) - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -Where's---- - -ADAM CHERRY. - -Gone, Mrs Wheedles. It was only a dodge to get you out of the room that -he might bolt. Don't think any more about him. - -(_Mrs. Wheedles sinks into a chair._ ) - -MRS. BEN DIXON. - -Believe me, Mrs. Wheedles, it was the kindest thing he could do for you. -We are both well rid of him. - -MRS. WHEEDLES. - -(_Crying softly._) I believe you're right, ma'am. - -TED MORRIS. - -(_At window looking out._) Hulloa, here's Jack. (_To Cherry._) Shall I -ask him in here? - -ADAM CHERRY. - -(_Moving towards door at back._ ) No, dear boy. I'll send him up to you -myself. - -NELLY MORRIS. - -(_Who has exchanged glances with Cherry at the mention of Jack's name, -slips across quietly and meets him at door just as he is going out._) I -shall always love you, Mr. Cherry. You're such a grand little gentleman. - -(_Cherry, taking her face between his hands, kisses her and goes out._) - - - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Prude's Progress, by -Jerome K. Jerome and Eden Phillpotts - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PRUDE'S PROGRESS *** - -***** This file should be named 47559-8.txt or 47559-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/7/5/5/47559/ - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by Google Books - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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