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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Observations by Mr. Dooley
+by Finley Peter Dunne
+
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+Title: Observations by Mr. Dooley
+
+Author: Finley Peter Dunne
+
+Release Date: December, 2003  [EBook #4729]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on March 7, 2002]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
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+************************************************************************
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+Prepared by Kirk Pearson <kpearson@nyx.net>, with help from the
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+
+
+
+
+
+Observations by Mr. Dooley
+by Finley Peter Dunne
+
+
+
+
+A Little Essay on Books
+
+
+
+"Hogan tells me that wan iv th' first things man done afther he'd
+larned to kill his neighborin' animals, an' make a meal iv wan
+part iv thim an' a vest iv another, was to begin to mannyfacther
+lithrachoor, an' it's been goin' on up to th' prisint day.  Thim
+was times that th' Lord niver heerd about, but is as well known
+to manny a la-ad in th' univarsity iv southren Injyanny as if th'
+histhry iv thim was printed on a poster.  Hogan says a pro-fissor
+with a shovel an' a bad bringin'-up can go out annywhere along th'
+dhrainage-canal an' prove to ye that th' Bible is no more thin an
+exthry avenin' edition iv th' histhry iv th' wurruld, an' th' Noah
+fam'ly was considhered new arrivals in th' neighborhood where they
+lived.  He says he'll show ye th' earth as though 't was a section
+iv a layer-cake or an archytect's dhrawin' iv a flat-buildin', an'
+p'int out how 't was accumylated.
+
+"First 't was a mere squdge in which ne'er a livin' thing cud be
+found.  This peryod lasted a few millyion years, an' thin th' mush
+caked an' become buildin'-materyal, an' threes grew out iv th'
+buildin'-materyal an' fell down an' become coal.  Thin th' wather
+come--but where it come fr'm I don't know, f'r they was no God at
+th' time--an' covered th' earth, an' thin th' wather evaporated an'
+left little p'ints iv land shtickin' up with ready-made men an'
+women occypyin' thim, an' at that moment th' Bible begun.  Ye might
+say we 're livin' on th' roof iv a flat, with all th' apartmints
+beneath us occypied be th' bones iv submarine monsthers an' other
+tinants.
+
+"Lasteways that's what Hogan tells me, but I don't believe a wurrud
+he says.  Most iv th' people iv this wurruld is a come-on f'r
+science, but I'm not.  Ye can't con-vince me, me boy, that a man
+who's so near-sighted he can't read th' sign on a cable-car knows
+anny more about th' formation iv th' earth thin Father Kelly.  I
+believe th' wurruld is flat, not round; that th' sun moves an' is
+about th' size iv a pie-plate in th' mornin' an' a car-wheel at
+noon; an' it 's no proof to me that because a pro-fissor who 's
+peekin' through a chube all night says th' stars ar-re millyions
+iv miles away an' each is bigger thin this wurruld, that they 're
+bigger thin they look, or much higher thin th' top iv th' shot-tower.
+I've been up tin thousand feet on a mountain, an' they seemed so
+near that I kept whiskin' thim off me nose as I lay there on me
+back, but they wasn't anny larger thin they were on th' sthreet-level.
+I believe what I see an' some iv th' things I'm told, if they 've
+been told often, an' thim facts iv science has not been hung long
+enough to be digistible.  "But, annyhow, they say that man first
+begun writin' whin he had to hammer out his novels an' pomes on a
+piece iv rock, an' th' hammer has been th' imblim iv lithrachoor
+iver since.  Thin he painted it on skins, hince th' publisher;
+thin he played it an' danced it an' croshayed it till 't was
+discovered that ink an' pa-aper wud projooce wurruds, an' thin th'
+printin'-press was invinted.  Gunpowdher was invinted th' same
+time, an' 't is a question I've often heerd discussed which has
+done more to ilivate th' human race.  A joke.
+
+Th' longer th' wurruld lasts th' more books does be comin' out.
+Day be day I r-read in th' pa-apers announcemints iv new publications
+that look like th' dilinquent tax-list.  They 's a publisher in
+ivry block, an' in thousan's iv happy homes some wan is pluggin'
+away at th' romantic novel or whalin' out a pome on th' type-writer
+up-stairs.  A fam'ly without an author is as contimptible as wan
+without a priest.  Is Malachi near-sighted, peevish, averse to th'
+suds, an' can't tell whether th' three in th' front yard is blue
+or green? Make an author iv him! Does Miranda prisint no atthractions
+to th' young men iv th' neighborhood, does her overskirt dhrag,
+an' is she poor with th' gas-range? Make an authoreen iv her!
+Forchunitly, th' manly insthinct is often too sthrong f'r th'
+designs iv th' fam'ly, an' manny a man that if his parents had had
+their way might have been at this moment makin' artificial feet
+f'r a deformed pome is l'adin' what me fri'nd Hogan calls a glad,
+free, an' timperymintal life on th' back iv a sthreet-car.
+
+"But lithrachoor is th' gr-reat life-wurruk iv th' modhren woman.
+Th' conthrol is passin' into th' hands iv th' fair sect, an' th'
+day will come whin th' wurrud book will mane no more to an able-bodied
+man thin th' wurrud gusset.  Women write all th' romantic novels
+that ar-re anny good.  That's because ivry man thinks th' thrue
+hayroe is himsilf, an' ivry woman thinks he's James K. Hackett.
+A woman is sure a good, sthrong man ought to be able to kill anny
+number iv bad, weak men, but a man is always wondherin' what th'
+other la-ad wud do.  He might have th' punch left in him that wud
+get th' money.  A woman niver cares how manny men are kilt, but a
+man believes in fair play, an' he'd like to see th' polis intherfere
+about Chapter Three.
+
+"Women writes all th' good romantic novels, an' read thim all.
+If anny proud la-ad in th' gum business thinks he riprisints th'
+ideal iv his wife's soul, he ought to take a look at th' books she
+reads.  He'll larn there th' reason he's where he is, is because
+he was th' on'y chanst, not because he was th' first choice.  'Twud
+humble th' haughtiest prince iv thrade to look into th' heart iv
+th' woman he cares most f'r an' thinks laste about, an' find that,
+instead iv th' photygraft iv a shrewd but kindly man with a thriflin'
+absence iv hair on his head an' a burglar-proof safe on his
+watch-charm, there's a pitcher iv a young la-ad in green tights
+playin' a mandolin to a high front stoop.  On th' stoop, with a
+rose in her hand, is his lawful-wedded wife, th' lady Annamariar
+Huggins iv Peotone.  Ye can't keep her away fr'm a romantic novel.
+No matther what Edward Atkinson tells ye, she prefers 'Th' Age iv
+Chivalry' to th' mos' atthractive housewurruk.  A woman's readin'
+is niver done.  Hardly a day passes but some lady frind iv mine
+stops me on me way to catch a car, an' asks me if I don't regard
+Morse Hewlett as th' gr-reatest an' mos' homicidal writer iv our
+time, an' what I've got to say about Hinnelly's attack on Stevenson.
+'Madam,' says I, 'I wud n't know Morse if I was to see him goin'
+down th' sthreet ax in hand, an' as f'r Hinnelly, his name escapes
+me, though his language is familiar to anny wan who iver helped
+load a scow.  Stevenson,' I says, 'does n't appeal to me, an' if
+he shud, I'll revarse th' decision on th' ground iv th' bad prevyous
+charackter iv th' plaintiff, while,' I says, 'admittin' th' thruth
+iv what he said.  But,' says I, 'th' on'y books in me libr'y is
+th' Bible an' Shakspere,' says I.  'They 're gr-reat f'r ye,' says
+she.  'So bully f'r th' style.  D' ye read thim all th' time?' she
+says.  'I niver read thim,' says I.  'I use thim f'r purposes iv
+definse.  I have niver read thim, but I'll niver read annything
+else till I have read thim,' I says.  'They shtand between me an'
+all modhren lithrachoor,' says I.  'I've built thim up into a kind
+iv breakwather,' I says, 'an' I set behind it ca'm an' contint
+while Hall Caine rages without,' says I.
+
+"Yes, sir, th' readin' an' writin' iv books is as much woman's
+wurruk as th' mannyfacther iv tidies.  A woman is a nachral writer.
+She don't mind givin' hersilf away if 't will bring a tear to th'
+eye or a smile to th' lips.  But a man does.  He has more to give
+away.  I'm not sayin' that anny man can't write betther thin a
+woman if he wants to.  But so can he cuk betther, an' sew betther,
+an' paint minichoors betther, an' do annything betther but nurse
+th' baby--if he wants to; but he don't often want to.  He despises
+such thrivyal pursuits.  Mos' iv th' gr-reat writers I iver see
+th' pitchers iv was little, thin, peevish men that was always
+gettin' licked.  Wanst in a while a sthrong man got into th' game,
+a bull-necked, round-headed man that might have made a fine
+thrackmaster or boiler-maker, but was addicted to dhrink, an'
+niver had energy enough left in th' mornin' f'r annything more
+thin writin' th' best plays or th' finest novels or th' gr-reatest
+histhries in th' wurruld.  But if ye got at th' rale feelin' iv
+three-meal-a-day men about writin', ye'd find they classed it with
+preachin', school-teachin', play-actin', dancin', an' lace-wurruk.
+A man iv that kind might start to write, but if he did, he'd stop
+an' think afther a while, an' say to himsilf: 'What's a big, sthrong,
+able-bodied, two-hundhred-an'-tin-pound, forty-four-acrost-th'-chest
+crather like me doin' here, pokin' these funny hireyoglyphics into
+a piece iv pa-aper with a little sthick? I guess I'll go out an'
+shoe a horse.'
+
+"So it is with readin'.  I'm tol' I ought to read more be Hogan,
+who's wan iv th' best-read an' mos' ignorant men I know.  Well,
+maybe I ought, though whin I was a young man, an' was helpin' to
+build up this counthry, th' principal use iv lithrachoor was as
+a weepin.  In thim days, if a little boy was seen readin' a book,
+his father took it away fr'm him an' bate him on th' head with it.
+Me father was th' mos' accyrate man in th' wurruld with letthers.
+He found th' range nachrally, an' he cud wing anny wan iv us with
+th' 'Lives iv th' Saints' as far as he cud see.  He was a poor
+man, an' on'y had such books in his libr'y as a gintleman shud
+take, but if ye'd give him libr'y enough, he'd capture Giberaltor.
+If lithrachoor niver pinethrated me intelleck, 'twas not his
+fault.  But nowadays, whin I go down th' sthreet, I see th' childher
+settin' on th' front steps studyin' a book through double-compound-convex
+spectacles, lookin' like th' offspring of a profissyonal diver.
+What'll they iver grow up to be? Be hivins! that la-ad Carnaygie
+knows his business.  He is studied th' situation, an' he undhersthands
+that if he builds libr'ies enough an' gets enough people readin'
+books, they won't be anny wan left afther a while capable iv takin'
+away what he's got.  Ye bet he didn't larn how to make steel billets
+out iv 'Whin Knighthood was in Flower.' He larned it be confabulatin'
+afther wurrukin' hours with some wan that knew how.  I think he
+must be readin' now, f'r he's writin' wan or two.  'Tis th' way
+with a man who takes to readin' late in life.  He can't keep it
+down.
+
+"Readin', me frind, is talked about be all readin' people as though
+it was th' on'y thing that makes a man betther thin his neighbors.
+But th' thruth is that readin' is th' nex' thing this side iv
+goin' to bed f'r restin' th' mind.  With mos' people it takes th'
+place iv wurruk.  A man doesn't think whin he's readin', or if he
+has to, th' book is no fun.  Did ye iver have something to do that
+ye ought to do, but didn't want to, an' while ye was wishin' ye
+was dead, did ye happen to pick up a newspaper? Ye know what
+occurred.  Ye didn't jus' skim through th' spoortin' intillygince
+an' th' crime news.  Whin ye got through with thim, ye read th'
+other quarther iv th' pa-aper.  Ye read about people ye niver heerd
+iv, an' happenin's ye didn't undhersthand--th' fashion notes, th'
+theatrical gossip, th' s'ciety news fr'm Peoria, th' quotations
+on oats, th' curb market, th' rale-estate transfers, th' marredge
+licenses, th' death notices, th' want ads., th' dhrygoods bargains,
+an' even th' iditoryals.  Thin ye r-read thim over again, with a
+faint idee ye'd read thim befure.  Thin ye yawned, studied th'
+design iv th' carpet, an' settled down to wurruk.  Was ye exercisin'
+ye-er joynt intelleck while ye was readin'? No more thin if ye'd
+been whistlin' or writin' ye-er name on a pa-aper.  If anny wan
+else but me come along they might say: 'What a mind Hinnissy has!
+He's always readin'.' But I wud kick th' book or pa-aper out iv
+ye-er hand, an' grab ye be th' collar, an' cry 'Up, Hinnissy, an'
+to wurruk!' f'r I'd know ye were loafin'.  Believe me, Hinnissy,
+readin' is not thinkin'.  It seems like it, an' whin it comes out
+in talk sometimes, it sounds like it.  It's a kind iv nearthought
+that looks ginooine to th' thoughtless, but ye can't get annything
+on it.  Manny a man I've knowed has so doped himsilf with books
+that he'd stumble over a carpet-tack.
+
+"Am I again' all books, says ye? I'm not.  If I had money, I'd
+have all th' good lithrachoor iv th' wurruld on me table at this
+minyit.  I mightn't read it, but there it'd be so that anny iv me
+frinds cud dhrop in an' help thimsilves if they didn't care f'r
+other stimylants.  I have no taste f'r readin', but I won't deny
+it's a good thing f'r thim that's addicted to it.  In modheration,
+mind ye.  In modheration, an' afther th' chores is done.  F'r as
+a frind iv Hogan's says, 'Much readin' makes a full man,' an' he
+knew what he was talkin' about.  An' do I object to th' pursuit
+iv lithrachoor? Oh, faith, no.  As a pursuit 'tis fine, but it may
+be bad f'r anny wan that catches it."
+
+
+
+
+The Law's Delays
+
+
+
+"If I had me job to pick out," said Mr. Dooley, "I'd be a judge.
+I've looked over all th' others an' that's th' on'y wan that suits.
+I have th' judicyal timperamint.  I hate wurruk.
+
+"Ivrybody else is pushed an' hurrid in this tumulchuse age.  Th'
+business man has to get to th' bank befure it closes an' th' banker
+has to get there befure th' business man escapes, an' th' high-priced
+actor has to kill off more gradyates iv th' school iv actin' thin
+iver he did, an' th' night editions iv th' pa-apers comes out
+arlier ivry mornin'.  All is rush an' worry.  Kings an' imprors
+duck about their jooties like bell-hops, th' pampered son iv luxury
+at Newport is thryin' f'r a mile a minyit in his autymobill an'
+th' on'y leisure class left in th' wurruld is th' judicyary.  Mind
+ye, Hinnissy, I'm not sayin' annything again' thim.  I won't dhrag
+th' joodicyal ermine in th' mud though I haven't noticed that manny
+iv thim lift it immodestly whin they takes th' pollytical crossing.
+I have th' high rayspict f'r th' job that's th' alternative iv
+sixty days in jail.  Besides, me boy, I invy thim.
+
+"Somewhere a la-ad hits somewan on th' head with an axe or sinds
+him a bunch iv proosic acid done up to look like candy.  Maybe he
+does an' maybe he don't; but annyhow that's what he's lagged f'r.
+Th' polis are in a hurry to get to th' pool-room befure th' flag
+falls in th' first race an' they carry th' case to th' gran' jury;
+th' gran' jury indicts him without a thought or a suspicion iv ax
+har-rd feelin', th' judge takes his breakfast on th' bench to be
+there in time an' charges th' jury to be fair but not to f'rget
+th' man done it, an' th' jury rayturns a verdict iv guilty with
+three cheers an' a tiger.  Th' pris'ner has hardly time to grab
+up his hat befure he 's hauled off to his funeral obsequies, an'
+th' onprejudiced public feels happy about it.  I don't believe in
+capital punishmint, Hinnissy, but 'twill niver be abolished while
+th' people injye it so much.  They 're jus' squarin' thimsilves
+f'r th' rayvoltin' details whin wurrud comes that Judge Tamarack
+iv Opolis has granted a stay iv proceedin's.  Stays iv pro-ceedin's
+is devices, Hinnissy, be which th' high coorts keep in form.  'Tis
+a lagal joke.  I med it up.  Says Judge Tamarack: 'I know very
+little about this ease excipt what I've been tol' be th' larned
+counsel f'r th' dayfinse, an' I don't believe that, but I agree
+with Lord Coke in th' maxim that th' more haste th' less sleep.
+Therefore to all sheriffs, greetin': Fen jarrin' th' pris'ner till
+ye hear fr'm us.'
+
+"So th' pris'ner waits an' dhreams he 's a lightnin' rod an' th'
+public waits an' ivrybody waits.  Th' high coort is busy in its
+way.  Ivry two or three years it is discovered takin' a nap at a
+county seat in th' corn belt, an' it hands down a decision f'r th'
+defindant in a case f'r damages growin' out iv th' Shay rebillion.
+Then it dhrops off again.  Th' judge that thried th' case retires
+to a well-arned job with a railrood comp'ny, th' jury has ceased
+to look f'r their pitchers in th' pa-apers an' th' insurance
+comp'nies insure young Cyanide's life f'r the lowest known premyum.
+Occasionally a judge iv th' coort iv appeals walkin' in his sleep
+meets another judge, an' they discuss matthers.  'How ar-re ye
+gettin' on with th' Cyanide case, judge?' 'I'm makin' fair headway,
+judge.  I r-read part iv th' vardict iv th' coroner's jury las'
+year an' nex' month whin th' fishin' is over, I expict to look
+into th' indictment.  'Tis a puzzlin' case.  Th' man is not guilty.'
+'Well, good bye, judge; I'll see ye in a year or two.  Lave me
+know how ye're gettin' on.  Pleasant dhreams!' An' so they part.
+Th' higher up a coort is, th' less they see iv each other.  Their
+office hours are fr'm a quarther to wan leap years.  Ye take a
+lively lawyer that's wurruked twinty hours a day suin' sthrect
+railrood comp'nies an' boost him onto a high coort an' he can't
+think out iv a hammock.  Th' more exalted what Hogan calls th'
+joodicyal station, th' more it's like a dormitory.  Th' years rowl
+by an' th' tillygraft op'rator that's been expictin' to sind a
+rush tillygram through young Cyanide sees his ohms an' his volts
+mouldin' an' no wurrud comes fr'm th' coort iv appeals but th'
+murmur iv th' chief justice discussin' th' nullification theery.
+But wan day, th' decision is wafted down.  'Th' coort finds,' it
+says, 'that th' vardict was conthry to th' law an' th' ividince.
+We seen this fr'm th' first.  It's as plain as th' nose on ye'er
+face.  Th' judge was prejudiced an' th' jury was ignorant.  Th'
+ividince wasn't sufficient to hang a cat.  We revarse th' decision
+an' ordher a new thrile that full justice may be done.  We cannot
+help remarkin' at this time on th' croolty iv subjectin' this
+unforchnit man to all these years iv torture an' imprisonment with
+a case again' him which we see at a glance durin' th' Mexican war
+cud not shtand th' test iv th' law.'
+
+"But whin th' decision is carried to th' pris'ner, th' warden says
+'Who?' 'P. Cyanide,' says th' clark iv th' coort.  'He's not here,'
+says th' warden.  'On consultin' me books, I find a man iv that
+name left in th' year sivinty-wan.' 'Did he escape?' 'In a sinse.
+He's dead.'
+
+"So, Hinnissy, I'd like to be a judge iv a high coort, dhreamin'
+th' happy hours away.  No hurry, no sthrivin' afther immejet
+raysults, no sprintin', no wan hollenin' 'Dooley J. hurry up with
+that ne exeat,' or 'Dooley, hand down that opinyion befure th'
+batthry gives out.' 'Tis th' thrue life iv aise an' gintlemanly
+comfort.  'Tis wait till th' clouds rowl by; 'tis time was meant
+for slaves; 'tis a long life an' a happy wan.  Like th' Shamrock
+II, th' coort acts well in stays but can't run befure th' wind.
+A jury is f'r hangin' ivry man, but th' high coort says: 'Ye must
+die, but take ye'er time about it an' go out th' way ye like.' If
+I wanted to keep me money so that me gran'childher might get it
+f'r their ol' age, I'd appeal it to th' supreme coort.  Oh, th'
+fine judge I'd make, f'r I can sleep annywhere, an' I'm niver
+impatient f'r annywan to get his jooes."
+
+"I don't see," said Mr. Hennessy, "why they have anny juries.  Why
+don't they thry ivry man before th' supreme coort an' have done
+with it?"
+
+"I have a betther way than that," said Mr. Dooley.  "Ye see they'e
+wurrukin' on time now.  I wondher if they wudden't sthep livelier
+if they were paid be th' piece."
+
+
+
+
+Sherlock Holmes
+
+
+
+Dorsey an' Dugan are havin' throuble," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"What about?" asked Mr. Dooley.
+
+"Dorsey," said Mr. Hennessy, "says Dugan stole his dog.  They had
+a party at Dorsey's an' Dorsey heerd a noise in th' back yard an'
+wint out an' see Dugan makin' off with his bull tarryer."
+
+"Ye say he see him do it?"
+
+"Yis, he see him do it."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "'twud baffle th' injinooty iv a Sherlock
+Holmes."
+
+"Who's Sherlock Holmes?"
+
+"He's th' gr-reatest detictive that iver was in a story book.
+I've been r-readin' about him an' if I was a criminal, which I wud
+be if I had to wurruk f'r a livin', an' Sherlock Holmes got afther
+me, I'd go sthraight to th' station an' give mesilf up.  I'd lay
+th' goods on th' desk an' say: 'Sargeant, put me down in th' hard
+cage.  Sherlock Holmes has jus' see a man go by in a cab with a
+Newfoundland dog an' he knows I took th' spoons.' Ye see, he ain't
+th' ordh'nry fly cop like Mulcahy that always runs in th' Schmidt
+boy f'r ivry crime rayported fr'm stealin' a ham to forgin' a check
+in th' full knowledge that some day he'll get him f'r th' right
+thing.  No, sir; he's an injanyous man that can put two an' two
+together an' make eight iv thim.  He applies his brain to crime,
+d'ye mind, an' divvle th' crime, no matther how cunnin' it is,
+will escape him.  We'll suppose, Hinnissy, that I'm Sherlock Holmes.
+I'm settin' here in me little parlor wearin' a dhressin' gown an'
+now an' thin pokin' mesilf full iv morpheen.  Here we are.  Ye come
+in.  'Good-mornin', Watson.'"
+
+"I ain't Watson," said Mr. Hennessy.  "I'm Hinnissy."
+
+"Ah," said Mr. Dooley; "I thought I'd wring it fr'm ye.  Perhaps
+ye'd like to know how I guessed ye had come in.  'Tis very simple.
+On'y a matther iv observation.  I heerd ye'er step; I seen ye'er
+refliction in th' lookin' glass; ye spoke to me.  I put these
+things together with me thrained faculty f'r observation an'
+deduction, d'ye mind.  Says I to mesilf: 'This must be Hinnissy.'
+But mind ye, th' chain iv circumstances is not complete.  It might
+be some wan disguised as ye.  So says I to mesilf: 'I will throw
+this newcome, whoiver he is, off his guard, be callin' him be a
+sthrange name!' Ye wudden't feel complimented, Hinnissy, if ye
+knew who Watson is.  Watson knows even less than ye do.  He don't
+know annything, an' annything he knows is wrong.  He has to look
+up his name in th' parish raygisther befure he can speak to himsilf.
+He's a gr-reat frind iv Sherlock Holmes an' if Sherlock Holmes
+iver loses him, he'll find him in th' nearest asylum f'r th'
+feeble-minded.  But I surprised ye'er secret out iv ye.  Thrown
+off ye'er guard be me innocent question, ye popped out 'I'm
+Hinnissy,' an' in a flash I guessed who ye were.  Be th' same
+process iv raisonin' be deduction, I can tell ye that ye were home
+las' night in bed, that ye're on ye'er way to wurruk, an' that
+ye'er salary is two dollars a day.  I know ye were at home las'
+night because ye ar-re always at home between iliven an' sivin,
+bar Pathrick's night, an' ye'er wife hasn't been in lookin' f'r
+ye.  I know ye're on ye'er way to wurruk because I heerd ye'er
+dinner pail jingle as ye stepped softly in.  I know ye get two
+dollars a day because ye tol' me ye get three an' I deducted
+thirty-three an' wan third per cint f'r poetic license.  'Tis very
+simple.  Ar-re those shoes ye have on ye'er feet? Be hivins, I
+thought so."
+
+Simple," said Mr. Hennessy, scornfully; "'tis foolish."
+
+"Niver mind," said Mr. Dooley.  "Pass th' dope, Watson.  Now bein'
+full iv th' cillybrated Chow Sooey brand, I addhress me keen mind
+to th' discussion iv th' case iv Dorsey's dog.  Watson, look out
+iv th' window an' see if that's a cab goin' by ringin' a gong.  A
+throlley car? So much th' betther.  Me observation tol' me it was
+not a balloon or a comet or a reindeer.  Ye ar-re a gr-reat help
+to me, Watson.  Pass th' dope.  Was there a dog on th' car? No?
+That simplifies th' thing.  I had an idee th' dog might have gone
+to wurruk.  He was a bull-tarryer, ye say.  D'ye know annything
+about his parents? Be Mulligan's Sloppy Weather out iv O'Hannigan's
+Diana iv th' Slough? Iv coorse.  Was ayether iv thim seen in th'
+neighborhood th' night iv th' plant? No? Thin it is not, as manny
+might suppose, a case iv abduction.  What were th' habits iv
+Dorsey's coyote? Was he a dog that dhrank? Did he go out iv nights?
+Was he payin' anny particular attintions to anny iv th' neighbors?
+Was he baffled in love? Ar-re his accounts sthraight? Had Dorsey
+said annything to him that wud 've made him despondent? Ye say no.
+He led a dog's life but seemed to be happy.  Thin 'tis plainly not
+a case iv suicide.
+
+"I'm gettin' up close to th' criminals.  Another shot iv th' mad
+mixture.  Wait till I can find a place in th' ar-rm.  There ye
+ar-re.  Well, Watson, what d'ye make iv it?"
+
+"If ye mane me, Dugan stole th' dog."
+
+"Not so fast," said Mr. Dooley.  "Like all men iv small minds ye
+make ye'ers up readily.  Th' smaller th' mind, th' aisier 'tis
+made up.  Ye'ers is like a blanket on th' flure befure th' fire.
+All ye have to do to make it up is to lave it.  Mine is like a
+large double bed, an' afther I've been tossin' in it, 'tis no aisy
+job to make it up.  I will puncture me tire with th' fav'rite
+flower iv Chinnytown an' go on.  We know now that th' dog did not
+elope, that he didn't commit suicide an' that he was not kidnaped
+be his rayturnin' parents.  So far so good.  Now I'll tell ye who
+stole th' dog.  Yisterdah afthernoon I see a suspicious lookin'
+man goin' down th' sthreet.  I say he was suspicious lookin' because
+he was not disguised an' looked ivry wan in th' face.  He had no
+dog with him.  A damning circumstance, Watson, because whin he'd
+stolen th' dog he niver wud 've taken it down near Dorsey's house.
+Ye wudden't notice these facts because ye'er mind while feeble
+is unthrained.  His coat collar was turned up an' he was whistlin'
+to himsilf, a habit iv dog fanciers.  As he wint be Hogan's house
+he did not look around or change his gait or otherwise do annything
+that wud indicate to an unthrained mind that there was annything
+wrong, facts in thimsilves that proved to me cultivated intilligence
+that he was guilty.  I followed him in me mind's eye to his home
+an' there chained to th' bed leg is Dorsey's dog.  Th' name iv th'
+criminal is P. X. O'Hannigan, an' he lives at twinty-wan hundhred
+an' ninety-nine South Halsted sthreet, top flat, rear, a plumber
+be pro-fission.  Officer, arrest that man!
+
+"That's all right," said Mr. Hennessy; "but Dugan rayturned th'
+dog las' night."
+
+"Oh, thin," said Mr. Dooley, calmly, "this is not a case f'r
+Sherlock Holmes but wan f'r th' polis.  That's th' throuble,
+Hinnissy, with th' detictive iv th' story.  Nawthin' happens in
+rale life that's complicated enough f'r him.  If th' Prisidint iv
+th' Epworth League was a safe-blower be night th' man that'd catch
+him'd be a la-ad with gr-reat powers iv observation an' thrained
+habits iv raisonin'.  But crime, Hinnissy, is a pursoot iv th'
+simple minded--that is, catchable crime is a pursoot iv th'
+simple-minded.  Th' other kind, th' uncatchable kind that is took
+up be men iv intellict is called high fi-nance.  I've known manny
+criminals in me time, an' some iv thim was fine men an' very happy
+in their home life, an' a more simple, pasth'ral people ye niver
+knew.  Wan iv th' ablest bank robbers in th' counthry used to live
+near me--he ownded a flat buildin'--an' befure he'd turn in to bed
+afther rayturnin' fr'm his night's wurruk, he'd go out in th' shed
+an' chop th' wood.  He always wint into th' house through a thransom
+f'r fear iv wakin' his wife who was a delicate woman an' a shop
+lifter.  As I tell ye he was a man without guile, an' he wint about
+his jooties as modestly as ye go about ye'ers.  I don't think in
+th' long run he made much more thin ye do.  Wanst in a while, he'd
+get hold iv a good bunch iv money, but manny other times afther
+dhrillin' all night through a steel dure, all he'd find 'd be a
+short crisp note fr'm th' prisidint iv th' bank.  He was often
+discouraged, an' he tol' me wanst if he had an income iv forty
+dollars th' month, he'd retire fr'm business an' settle down on
+a farm.
+
+"No, sir, criminals is th' simplest crathers in th' wide wide
+wurruld--innocent, sthraight-forward, dangerous people, that haven't
+sinse enough to be honest or prosperous.  Th' extint iv their
+schamin' is to break a lock on a dure or sweep a handful iv change
+fr'm a counter or dhrill a hole in a safe or administher th' strong
+short arm to a tired man takin' home his load.  There are no
+mysteryous crimes excipt thim that happens to be.  Th' ordh'nry
+crook, Hinnissy, goes around ringin' a bell an' disthributin'
+hand-bills announcin' his business.  He always breaks through a
+window instead iv goin' through an open dure, an' afther he's done
+annything that he thinks is commindable, he goes to a neighborin'
+liquor saloon, stands on th' pool table an' confides th' secret
+to ivrybody within sound iv his voice.  That's why Mulligan is a
+betther detictive thin Sherlock Holmes or me.  He can't put two
+an' two together an' he has no powers iv deduction, but he's a
+hard dhrinker an' a fine sleuth.  Sherlock Holmes niver wud've
+caught that frind iv mine.  Whin th' safe iv th' Ninth Rational
+Bank was blowed, he wud've put two an' two together an' arristed
+me.  But me frind wint away lavin' a hat an' a pair iv cuffs marked
+with his name in th' safe, an' th' polis combined these discoveries
+with th' well-known fact that Muggins was a notoryous safe blower
+an' they took him in.  They found him down th' sthreet thryin' to
+sell a bushel basket full iv Alley L stock.  I told ye he was a
+simple man.  He ralized his ambition f'r an agaracoolchral life.
+They give him th' care iv th' cows at Joliet."
+
+"Did he rayform?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"No," said Mr. Dooley; "he escaped.  An' th' way he got out wud
+baffle th' injinooty iv a Sherlock Holmes."
+
+"How did he do it?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"He climbed over th' wall," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+
+
+
+International Amenities
+
+
+
+"Be hivins," said Mr. Dooley, "I wisht I'd been there."
+
+"Where?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"At th' bankit iv th' Ancyent an' Hon'rable Chamber iv Commerce
+in New York," said Mr. Dooley.  "'Tis a hard fate that compels me
+to live out here on th' prairies among th' aborig'nal Americans
+fr'm Poland an' Bohaymya.  Me heart at times is burstin' f'r to
+jine in th' festivities iv me fellow Britons in New York.  F'r I'm
+a British subjick, Hinnissy.  I wasn't born wan.  I was born in
+Ireland.  But I have a little money put away, an' ivry American
+that has larned to make wan dollar sthick to another is ex-officio,
+as Hogan says, a British subjick.  We've adopted a foster father.
+Some iv us ain't anny too kind to th' ol' gintleman.  In th'
+matther iv th' Nicaragoon Canal we have recently pushed him over
+an' took about all he had.  But our hearts feels th' love iv th'
+parent counthry, though our hands is rebellyous, an' ivry year me
+fellow-merchants gets together in New York an' f'rgets th' cares
+iv th' wool an' tallow business in an outburst iv devotion to th'
+ol' land fr'm which our fathers sprung or was sprung be th'
+authorities.
+
+"Th' prisidint iv th' bankit was me frind Morse K. Cheeseshop a
+mimber iv an ol' Yorkshire fam'ly born in th' West Riding iv Long
+Island befure th' Crimeyan War.  At his right sat th' Sicrety iv
+state f'r th' colony, an' at his left me frind th' ambassadure to
+th' Coort iv Saint James.  Why we shud sind an ambassadure I don't
+know, though it may be an ol' custom kept up f'r to plaze th'
+people iv Omaha.  He's a good man, th' ambassadure, who is
+inthrajoocin' th' American joke in England.  Hogan says th'
+diff'rence between an American joke an' an English joke is th'
+place to laugh.  In an American joke ye laugh just afther th' point
+if at all, but in an English joke ye laugh ayether befure th'
+point or afther th' decease iv th' joker.  Th' ambassadure hopes
+to inthrajooce a cross iv th' two that ye don't laugh at at all
+that will be suited to th' English market.  His expeeriments so
+far has been encouragin'.
+
+"At th' conclusion iv th' eatin' th' chairman, Sir Morse Cheeseshop
+inthrajooced th' sicrety iv state in a few well chosen wurruds.
+'Fellow Colonists,' says he, 'I desire to presint His Majesty's
+ripresentative in this counthry who is doin' more thin anny other
+man in th' plastherin' business,' he says.  'Owin',' he says, 'to
+mimbers iv th' Sinit lavin' a hod iv bricks fall on his head
+recently, he has not been able to do much on th' job,' he says.
+'But he has brought his throwel and morthar here to-night an' if
+ye will kindly lave off singing' "Brittanya rules th' prosperity
+wave" f'r a minyit he'll give ye an exhibition iv how he wurruks.
+Me Lords an' gintlemen, th' sicrety iv state:'
+
+"'Fellow subjicks,' says th' sicrety iv state, 'diplomacy is far
+diff'rent business thin it used to be.  (A voice, 'Good f'r you.')
+In th' days iv Bismarck, Gladstun an' Charles Francis Adams 'twas
+a case iv inthrigue an' deceit.  Now it is as simple as a pair iv
+boots.  In fifteen years th' whole nature iv man is so changed that
+a diplomat has on'y to be honest, straight-forward an' manly an'
+concede ivrything an' he will find his opponents will meet him
+half way an' take what he gives.  Unforchunitly diplomacy on'y
+goes as far as the dure.  It is onable to give protection to th'
+customer, so whin he laves th' shop th' sthrong arm men iv th'
+Sinit knocks him down an' takes fr'm him ivrything he got inside
+an' more too.  Di-plomacy has become a philanthropic pursoot like
+shop-keepin', but politics, me lords, is still th' same ol' spoort
+iv highway robb'ry.  But I done what I cud to protict th' intherests
+iv th' mother, father an' brother-in-law counthry, an' between
+you an' me if I don't desarve th' Victorya cross f'r presintin'
+that threaty to th' Sinit nobody does.  I will on'y say that
+hinceforth th' policy iv this gover'mint will be as befure not to
+bully a sthrong power or wrong a weak, but will remain thrue to
+th' principle iv wrongin' th' sthrong an' bullyin' th' weak.'
+
+"Th' sicrety iv state was followed be th' ambassadure.  'I wish
+to tell ye,' said he, 'what a good time I had in England.  Befure
+I wint there I was sthrongly prejudiced again' England.  I thought
+it was th' noblest counthry on which, as Dan'l Webster says, th'
+sun niver set without hatchin' out a new colony.  But I did it a
+great injustice.  It is betther thin what I thought.  It does not
+care f'r chaff or gush such as goes down in this counthry.  All an
+English gintleman demands is that ye shall be ye'ersilf, frank,
+manly an' sincere.  A little cry on th' shouldher, a firm grasp
+iv th' hand, a brief acknowledgment that we owe our language an'
+are payin' it back, our lithrachoor an' our boots to him, an' his
+heart opens.  He cannot conceal his admiration f'r ye.  He goes
+away.  Ah, niver will I f'rget th' day I peeked out iv me bed-room
+window at Windsor Castle an' see manny iv th' sturdy lielists here
+befure me bein' received in th' back yard be th' king.  I mind
+well th' wurruds that fell fr'm his lips whin ye left to take lunch
+in th' rile woodshed.  "Chote," he says, "thim were a fine lot iv
+Americans," he says.  "What thribe did ye say they belonged to?
+Soos?" he says.'
+
+"So th' avenin' proceeded until it was time to go home, whin th'
+chairman proposed th' customary toast.  'Me lords an' gintlemen,
+charge ye'er glasses an' jine me in a toast,' he says.  'His majesty
+Edward th' Sivinth, iv Gr-reat Britain an' possibly Ireland, iv
+Inja, Egypt, iv Austhralya, iv South Africa in a sinse, an' iv th'
+Dominions beyant th' sea, includin' New York, King, Definder iv
+th' Faith.  I hope I got it all in.' 'Ye did,' said th' ambassadure.
+An' th' toast was dhrunk with enthusyasm.  Other toasts was dhrunk
+to th' rile fam'ly an' th' Protestant Succession, to th' Jook iv
+Argyle who used to own Andhrew Carnaygie, an' in manny cases th'
+rile merchants carrid th' glasses away in their pockets.  Jus' as
+th' comp'ny was breakin' up a man whose gaiters creaked rose an'
+said: 'Isn't there wan more toast?' 'Good hivins have I f'rgotten
+somewan?' said Lord Cheeseshop.  'That was all there was in th'
+book.  Who d'ye mane?' he says.  'I mane th' prisidint iv th'
+United States,' says th' man, who comes fr'm Baraboo.  'Oh him,'
+says th' chairman in a relieved tone.  'Well, annywan that wants
+to can dhrink his health at th' bar,' he says.
+
+"As th' comp'ny filed out a band was playin' in th' adjinin' room
+where they was a meetin' iv th' Amalgamated Stove-polish men fr'm
+th' neighborhood iv Terry Hut.  'What's that outlandish chune?'
+says Lord Cheeseshop.  ''Tis th' naytional air, west iv Hoboken,'
+says th' man fr'm Baraboo.  'What's it called?' says Lord Cheeseshop.
+'Th' Star Spangled Banner,' says th' man.  'Well,' says Lord
+Cheeseshop, ''tis very intherestin',' he says.  ''Tis th' on'y
+Indyan music I iver heerd,' he says."
+
+"Ah well," said Mr. Hennessy, " who cares?"
+
+"Faith I think ye're right," said Mr. Dooley.  "A man will swallow
+annything with a dinner.  What is good f'r what Hogan calls th'
+iliminthry canal has nawthin' to do with th' Nicaragoon Canal an'
+I'd be more afraid iv Lord Cheeseshop if he thought th' toast an'
+didn't say it.  Our Anglo-Saxon relations is always a give-away
+--on some wan."
+
+
+
+
+Art Patronage
+
+
+
+"I see in this pa-aper," said Mr. Dooley, "they'se a fellow kickin'
+because an American painther ain't got anny chanst again' foreign
+compytition."
+
+"Sure," said Mr. Hennessy; "he's aisy displazed.  I niver knew th'
+business to be betther.  Wages is high an' 'tis a comfortable
+thrade barrin' colic."
+
+"I don't mane that kind iv painthers," said Mr. Dooley.  "I don't
+mane th' wans that paint ye'er barn, but th' wans that paints a
+pitcher iv ye'er barn an' wants to sell it to ye f'r more thin th'
+barn is worth.  This man says no matther how industhrees an American
+painther is, no matther if he puts on his overalls arly in th'
+mornin' an' goes out with a laddher an' whales away all day long,
+he can hardly arn a livin', while th' pauper artists iv Europe is
+fairly rowlin' in th' lap iv luxury.  Manny a la-ad that started
+in life with th' intintion iv makin' th' wurruld f'rget that what's
+his name--Hogan's frind--ye know who I mane--Michael Angelo--ever
+lived, is now glad to get a job decoratin' mountain scenery with
+th' latest news about th' little liver pills.
+
+"Ye see, Hinnissy, whin a man gets hold iv a large hatful iv money,
+wan iv th' first things he does is to buy some art.  Up to th'
+time whin th' top blew off th' stock market, he bought his art
+out iv th' front window iv a news an' station'ry shop or had it
+put in be th' paperhanger.  He took th' Sundah pa-apers that ar-re
+a gr-reat help if ye're collectin' art, an' he had some pitchers
+iv fruit that looks nachral enough to ate, d'ye mind, a paintin'
+iv a deer like th' wan he shot at in th' Manotowish counthry in
+Eighty-eight, an' a livin' likeness iv a Lake Supeeryor white fish
+on a silver plate.  That was th' peeryod, mind ye, whin th' iron
+dogs howled on his lawn an' people come miles an' miles f'r to see
+a grotto made out iv relics iv th' Chicago fire.
+
+"Manetime his daughter was illustratin' suspinders an' illuminatin'
+china plates an' becomin' artistic, an' afther awhile whin th'
+time come that he had to keep a man at th' dure to sweep out th'
+small bills, she give him a good push to'rd betther things.
+Besides, his pardner down th' sthreet had begun collectin' pitchers,
+an' ivry time he wint abroad th' mannyfacthrers iv pitcher frames
+bought new autymobills f'r th' Champs All Easy.  So 'twas a soft
+matther f'r our frind Higbie to be persuaded that he ought to be
+a pathron iv art, an' he wint abroad detarmined to buy a bunch iv
+chromos that'd make people come out iv th' gallery iv his pardner
+down th' sthreet stiflin' their laughter in their hands.
+
+"Now ye'd think seein' that he made his money in this counthry,
+he'd pathronize American art.  Ye'd believe he'd sind wurrud down
+to his agent f'r to secure forty feet iv Evansville be moonlight
+an' be con-tint.  But he don't.
+
+"Ye don't catch Higbie changin' iv anny iv his dividends on
+domestic finished art.  He jumps on a boat an' goes sthraight
+acrost to th' centhral deepo.  The first thing he gets is a
+porthrait iv himsilf be wan iv th' gr-reat modhren masthers,
+Sargent be name.  This here Sargent, Hogan tells me, used to live
+in this counthry, an' faith, if he'd stayed here ye might see him
+to-day on a stagin'.  But he had a mind in his head an' he tore
+off f'r Europe th' way a duck hunter goes f'r a rice swamp.  Afther
+awhile, Higbie shows up, an' says he: 'I'm Higbie iv th' Non-Adhesive
+Consolidated Glue Company,' he says.  'Can ye do me?' 'I can an'
+will,' says Sargent.  'I'll do ye good.  How much have ye got?'
+he says.  'Get some more an' come around,' he says.  An' Higbie
+puts on his Prince Albert coat an' laves it open so that ye can
+see his watch charm--th' crown iv Poland with th' Kohinoor in th'
+top iv it--an' me frind Sargent does him brown an' red.  He don't
+give him th' pitcher iv coorse.  If ye have ye'er porthrait painted
+be a gr-reat painther, it's ye'er porthrait but 'tis his pitcher,
+an' he keeps it till ye don't look that way anny more.  So Higbie's
+porthrait is hung up in a gallery an' th' doctors brings people
+to see it that ar-re sufferin' fr'm narvous dyspepsia to cheer
+thim up.  Th' pa-apers says 'tis fine.  'Number 108 shows Sargent
+at his best.  There is the same marvellous ticknick that th' great
+master displayed in his cillybrated take-off on Mrs. Maenheimer
+in last year's gallery.  Th' skill an' ease with which th' painther
+has made a monkey iv his victim are beyond praise.  Sargent has
+torn th' sordid heart out iv th' wretched crather an' exposed it
+to th' wurruld.  Th' wicked, ugly little eyes, th' crooked nose,
+th' huge graspin' hands, tell th' story iv this miscreant's
+character as completely as if they were written in so manny wurruds,
+while th' artist, with wondherful malice, has painted onto th'
+face a smile iv sickenin' silf-complacency that is positively
+disgustin'.  No artist iv our day has succeeded so well in showin'
+up th' maneness iv th' people he has mugged.  We ondershtand that
+th' atrocious Higbie paid wan hundherd thousan' dollars f'r this
+comic valentine.  It is worth th' money to ivrybody but him.'
+
+"But Higbie don't see th' pa-aper.  He's over in Paris.  Th' chimes
+are rung, bonefires are lighted in th' sthreets an' th' Pannyma
+Comp'ny declares a dividend whin he enters th' city.  They'se such
+a demand f'r paint that th' supply runs out an' manny gr-reat
+imprishonist pitcher facthries is foorced to use bluein'.  Higbie
+ordhers paintin's be th' ton, th' r-runnin' foot, th' foot pound,
+th' car load.  He insthructs th' pitcher facthries to wurruk night
+an' day till his artistic sowl is satisfied.  We follow his coorse
+in th' pa-apers.  'Th' cillybrated Gainsborough that niver wud be
+missed has been captured be Misther Higbie, th' American millyionaire.
+Th' price paid is said to be wan hundherd thousan' dollars.  Th'
+pitcher riprisints a lady in a large hat fondlin' a cow.  It is
+wan iv th' finest Gainsboroughs painted be th' Gainsborough
+Mannyfacthrin' comp'ny iv Manchester.  At th' las' public sale,
+it was sold f'r thirty dollars.  Misther Higbie has also purchased
+th' cillybrated Schmartzmeister Boogooroo, wan iv th' mos' horrible
+examples iv this delightful painther's style.  He is now negotyatin'
+with th' well-known dealer Moosoo Mortheimer f'r th' intire output
+iv th' Barabazah School.  Yisterdah in a call on th' janial dealer,
+th' name iv th' cillybrated painther Mooney was mintioned.  "How
+manny pitchers has he painted?" "Four hundherd and forty-three
+thousan' at ilivin o'clock to-day," says th' dealer.  "But four
+hundherd thousan' iv thim ar-re in America." "Get th' r-rest iv
+thim f'r me," says th' connysoor.  "What did ye say th' gintleman's
+name was?" We ondershtand that Misther Mooney has had to put in
+two new four-deck machines to meet th' ordhers, which include
+thirty green an' mauve haystacks, forty blue barns or childher at
+play, an' no less thin ninety riprisintations iv mornin' at sea,
+moonlight avenin', flock iv sheep, or whativer ye may call thim.'
+
+"An' whin he comes home, he hangs thim in his house, so that his
+frinds can't turn around without takin' off a pasthral scene on
+their coats, an' he pastes th' price on th' frame, an' whin he
+dies, he laves his pitcher to some definceless art museem.  An'
+there ye ar-re.
+
+"So I tell ye, Hinnissy, if I was a young an' ambitious American
+painther, I'd go to Europe.  Whin Hannigan was over there, he met
+a young man that painted that fine head iv Murphy that looks so
+much like Casey that hangs in Schwartzmeister's back room.  'Ar-re
+ye still at th' art?' says Hannigan.  'I am,' says th' young man.
+'How does it go?' asks Hannigan.  'I've more thin I can do,' says
+th' young man.  'Since steel rails got so high, I've had to hire
+an assistant.  Ye see, I didn't get on in Chicago.  Me "Bridgepoort
+in a Fog" was th' on'y pitcher I sold, an' a sausage mannyfacthrer
+bought that because his facthry was in it.  I come over here, an'
+so's me pitchers will have a fair show, I sign annywan's name ye
+want to thim.  Ye've heerd iv Michael Angelo? That's me.  Ye've
+heerd iv Gainsborough? That's me.  Ye've heerd iv Millet, th' boy
+that painted th' pitcher give away with th' colored supplimint iv
+th' Sundah Howl? That's me.  Yis, sir, th' rale name iv near ivry
+distinguished painther iv modhren times is Remsen K. Smith.  Whin
+ye go home, if ye see a good painther an' glazier that'd like a
+job as assistant Rimbrandt f'r th' American thrade, sind him to
+me.  F'r,' he says, 'th' on'y place an American artist can make a
+livin' is here.  Charity f'r artists,' he says, 'begins abroad,'
+he says."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "perhaps a bum Europeen pitcher is
+betther thin a good American pitcher."
+
+"Perhaps so," said Mr. Dooley.  "I think it is so.  Annyhow, no
+matther how bad a painther he is, annywan that can get money out
+iv an American millyionaire is an artist an' desarves it.  There's
+th' rale art.  I wish it was taught in th' schools.  I'd like to
+see an exhibition at th' Museem with 'Check iv American Gintleman,
+dhrawn fr'm life,' hung on th' wall."
+
+
+
+
+Immigration
+
+
+
+"Well, I see Congress has got to wurruk again," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"The Lord save us fr'm harm," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Yes, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "Congress has got to wurruk again,
+an' manny things that seems important to a Congressman 'll be
+brought up befure thim.  'Tis sthrange that what's a big thing to
+a man in Wash'nton, Hinnissy, don't seem much account to me.
+Divvle a bit do I care whether they dig th' Nicaragoon Canal or
+cross th' Isthmus in a balloon; or whether th' Monroe docthrine
+is enfoorced or whether it ain't; or whether th' thrusts is abolished
+as Teddy Rosenfelt wud like to have thim or encouraged to go on
+with their neefaryous but magnificent entherprises as th' Prisidint
+wud like; or whether th' water is poured into th' ditches to reclaim
+th' arid lands iv th' West or th' money f'r thim to fertilize th'
+arid pocket-books iv th' conthractors; or whether th' Injun is
+threated like a depindant an' miserable thribesman or like a free
+an' indepindant dog; or whether we restore th' merchant marine to
+th' ocean or whether we lave it to restore itsilf.  None iv these
+here questions inthrests me, an' be me I mane you an' be you I
+mane ivrybody.  What we want to know is, ar-re we goin' to have
+coal enough in th' hod whin th' cold snap comes; will th' plumbin'
+hold out, an' will th' job last.
+
+"But they'se wan question that Congress is goin' to take up that
+you an' me are intherested in.  As a pilgrim father that missed
+th' first boats, I must raise me claryon voice again' th' invasion
+iv this fair land be th' paupers an' arnychists iv effete Europe.
+Ye bet I must--because I'm here first.  'Twas diff'rent whin I
+was dashed high on th' stern an' rockbound coast.  In thim days
+America was th' refuge iv th' oppressed iv all th' wurruld.  They
+cud come over here an' do a good job iv oppressin' thimsilves.
+As I told ye I come a little late.  Th' Rosenfelts an' th' Lodges
+bate me be at laste a boat lenth, an' be th' time I got here they
+was stern an' rockbound thimsilves.  So I got a gloryous rayciption
+as soon as I was towed off th' rocks.  Th' stars an' sthripes
+whispered a welcome in th' breeze an' a shovel was thrust into me
+hand an' I was pushed into a sthreet excyvatin' as though I'd been
+born here.  Th' pilgrim father who bossed th' job was a fine ol'
+puritan be th' name iv Doherty, who come over in th' Mayflower
+about th' time iv th' potato rot in Wexford, an' he made me think
+they was a hole in th' breakwather iv th' haven iv refuge an' some
+iv th' wash iv th' seas iv opprission had got through.  He was a
+stern an' rockbound la-ad himsilf, but I was a good hand at loose
+stones an' wan day--but I'll tell ye about that another time.
+
+"Annyhow, I was rayceived with open arms that sometimes ended in
+a clinch.  I was afraid I wasn't goin' to assimilate with th'
+airlyer pilgrim fathers an' th' instichoochions iv th' counthry,
+but I soon found that a long swing iv th' pick made me as good
+as another man an' it didn't require a gr-reat intellect, or
+sometimes anny at all, to vote th' dimmycrat ticket, an' befure
+I was here a month, I felt enough like a native born American to
+burn a witch.  Wanst in a while a mob iv intilligint collajeens,
+whose grandfathers had bate me to th' dock, wud take a shy at me
+Pathrick's Day procission or burn down wan iv me churches, but
+they got tired iv that befure long; 'twas too much like wurruk.
+
+"But as I tell ye, Hinnissy, 'tis diff'rent now.  I don't know why
+'tis diff'rent but 'tis diff'rent.  'Tis time we put our back
+again' th' open dure an' keep out th' savage horde.  If that cousin
+iv ye'ers expects to cross, he'd betther tear f'r th' ship.  In a
+few minyits th' gates 'll be down an' whin th' oppressed wurruld
+comes hikin' acrost to th' haven iv refuge, they'll do well to put
+a couplin' pin undher their hats, f'r th' Goddess iv Liberty 'll
+meet thim at th' dock with an axe in her hand.  Congress is goin'
+to fix it.  Me frind Shaughnessy says so.  He was in yisterdah an'
+says he: ''Tis time we done something to make th' immigration laws
+sthronger,' says he.  'Thrue f'r ye, Miles Standish,' says I; 'but
+what wud ye do?' 'I'd keep out th' offscourin's iv Europe,' says
+he.  'Wud ye go back?' says I.  'Have ye'er joke,' says he.  ''Tis
+not so seeryus as it was befure ye come,' says I.  'But what ar-re
+th' immygrants doin' that's roonous to us?' I says.
+
+'Well,' says he, 'they're arnychists,' he says; 'they don't
+assymilate with th' counthry,' he says.  'Maybe th' counthry's
+digestion has gone wrong fr'm too much rich food,' says I; 'perhaps
+now if we'd lave off thryin' to digest Rockyfellar an' thry a
+simple diet like Schwartzmeister, we wudden't feel th' effects iv
+our vittels,' I says.  'Maybe if we'd season th' immygrants a
+little or cook thim thurly, they'd go down betther,' I says.
+
+"'They're arnychists, like Parsons,' he says.  'He wud've been an
+immygrant if Texas hadn't been admitted to th' Union,' I says.
+'Or Snolgosh,' he says.  'Has Mitchigan seceded?' I says.  'Or
+Gittoo,' he says.  'Who come fr'm th' effete monarchies iv Chicago,
+west iv Ashland Av'noo,' I says.  'Or what's-his-name, Wilkes
+Booth,' he says.  'I don't know what he was--maybe a Boolgharyen,'
+says I.  'Well, annyhow,' says he, 'they're th' scum iv th' earth.'
+'They may be that,' says I; 'but we used to think they was th'
+cream iv civilization,' I says.  'They're off th' top annyhow.  I
+wanst believed 'twas th' best men iv Europe come here, th' la-ads
+that was too sthrong and indepindant to be kicked around be a
+boorgomasther at home an' wanted to dig out f'r a place where they
+cud get a chanst to make their way to th' money.  I see their sons
+fightin' into politics an' their daughters tachin' young American
+idee how to shoot too high in th' public school, an' I thought
+they was all right.  But I see I was wrong.  Thim boys out there
+towin' wan heavy foot afther th' other to th' rowlin' mills is all
+arnychists.  There's warrants out f'r all names endin' in 'inski,
+an' I think I'll board up me windows, f'r,' I says, 'if immygrants
+is as dangerous to this counthry as ye an' I an' other pilgrim
+fathers believe they are, they'se enough iv thim sneaked in already
+to make us aborigines about as infloointial as the prohibition
+vote in th' Twinty-ninth Ward.  They'll dash again' our stern an'
+rock-bound coast till they bust it,' says I.
+
+"'But I ain't so much afraid as ye ar-re.  I'm not afraid iv me
+father an' I'm not afraid iv mesilf.  An' I'm not afraid iv
+Schwartzmeister's father or Hinnery Cabin Lodge's grandfather.
+We all come over th' same way, an' if me ancestors were not what
+Hogan calls rigicides, 'twas not because they were not ready an'
+willin', on'y a king niver come their way.  I don't believe in
+killin' kings, mesilf.  I niver wud've sawed th' block off that
+curly-headed potintate that I see in th' pitchers down town, but,
+be hivins, Presarved Codfish Shaughnessy, if we'd begun a few years
+ago shuttin' out folks that wudden't mind handin' a bomb to a king,
+they wudden't be enough people in Mattsachoosetts to make a quorum
+f'r th' Anti-Impeeryal S'ciety,' says I.  'But what wud ye do with
+th' offscourin' iv Europe?' says he.  'I'd scour thim some more,'
+says I.
+
+"An' so th' meetin' iv th' Plymouth Rock Assocyation come to an
+end.  But if ye wud like to get it together, Deacon Hinnissy, to
+discuss th' immygration question, I'll sind out a hurry call f'r
+Schwartzmeister an' Mulcahey an' Ignacio Sbarbaro an' Nels Larsen
+an' Petrus Gooldvink, an' we 'll gather to-night at Fanneilnoviski
+Hall at th' corner iv Sheridan an' Sigel sthreets.  All th' pilgrim
+fathers is rayquested f'r to bring interpreters."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "divvle th' bit I care, on'y I'm here
+first, an' I ought to have th' right to keep th' bus fr'm bein'
+overcrowded."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "as a pilgrim father on me gran' nephew's
+side, I don't know but ye're right.  An' they'se wan sure way to
+keep thim out."
+
+"What's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Teach thim all about our instichoochions befure they come," said
+Mr. Dooley.
+
+
+
+
+White House Discipline
+
+
+
+"Where did ye spind th' New Year's?" asked Mr. Dooley.
+
+"I didn't go to th' White House rayciption," said Mr. Hennessy,
+pleasantly.
+
+"I see ye didn't," said Mr. Doolcy.  "Ye'er ar-rm is not in a
+sling.  Man an' boy, Hinnissy, I've taken manny a chanst on me
+life, but I'd as lave think iv declarin' th' sintimints iv me heart
+in an Orange meetin' as dhroppin' in f'r a socyal call at what
+Hogan calls th' ixicutive mansion.  That is, if I was a govermint
+emplyee, which I ain't, havin' been born wrong.
+
+"Th' time was whin a man lost his job an' his heart to th' prisidint
+at th' same time.  A reproof was administhered to him with chloryform.
+He woke up an' rubbed his eyes an' says, 'Where am I?' an' th'
+polisman says: 'Ye're in an ash bar'l.' He come fr'm th' White
+House with tears in his eyes an' was tol' he was out iv wurruk.
+But, Hinnissy, th' prisint occypant iv th' White House is a heartier
+person.  A reproof fr'm him is th' same thing as a compound fracture.
+A wurrud iv caution will lay a man up f'r a week an' a severe
+riprimand will sind him through life with a wooden leg.
+
+"There was me frind, Gin'ral Miles.  No more gallant sojer iver
+dhrew his soord to cut out a patthern f'r a coat thin Gin'ral Miles.
+He's hunted th' Apachy, th' Sioux, th' Arapahoo, th' Comanchee, th'
+Congressman an' other savages iv th' plain; he's faced death an'
+promotion in ivry form, an' no harm come to him till he wint up th'
+White House stairs or maybe 'twas till he come down.  Annyhow,
+Gin'ral Miles was pursooin' th' thrue coorse iv a nachral warryor
+an' enlightenin' th' wurruld on th' things he happened to think
+iv.  'Tis what is ixpicted iv him.  If ye don't read him ye don't
+know what's goin' on in th' wurruld.  Ivry Sundah I pick up me
+pa-aper an' hurry through th' articles on what's a suitable Christmas
+gift f'r th' hired girl who'll pizen th' soup if she gets three
+yards iv calico, be Winnyfield Scott Schley, an' what ought to be
+done f'r th' Chinee, be Cap. Mahan, an' get down to what Gin'ral
+Miles thinks.  'Tis always good an' full iv meaty advice.  'Is
+Mars inhabited?' 'Th' future iv th' Columbya river salmon,' 'Is
+white lead good f'r th' complexion?' 'What wud I do if I had a
+millyion dollars an' it was so,' 'England's supreemacy in Cochin
+China,' 'Pink gaiters as a necissity iv warfare,' 'Is th' Impire
+shouldhers goin' out?' 'Waist measurements iv warriors I have met,'
+an' so on.  Gin'ral Miles is th' on'y in-an'-out, up an' down,
+catch-as-catch-can, white, red or black, with or without, journylist
+we have left.  On anny subject fr'm stove polish to sun worship,
+I'd take th' wurrud iv me frind Gin'ral Miles befure th' man that
+made th' goods.
+
+"'Twas that got him into throuble.  Wan day afther inspictin' th'
+army, Gin'ral Miles give a chat to wan iv his fav'rite journals on
+what he thought about th' navy, him bein' a great authority on
+navy affairs befure steam come in.  I don't know what th' divvle
+he said an' I don't care, f'r me mind was made up long ago, an'
+ivrybody that don't agree with me is little betther thin a thraitor
+or a cow'rd.  But annyhow he give his opinyion, an' afther givin'
+it he took his bonnet out, had a goold beater in to fix up th'
+epylets, got th' ilicthric lights goin' in th' buttons, found th'
+right pair iv blue an' pink pants, pulled on th' shoes with th'
+silver bells, harnessed to his manly hips th' soord with the
+forget-me-nots on th' handle an' pranced over to th' White House.
+As he wint up th' hall, he noticed an atmosphere iv what Hogan
+calls cold hatoor, f'r wan iv th' durekeepers said th' prisidint
+wasn't home an' another lightly kicked him as he passed, but like
+a sojer he wint on to th' East room where Mr. Rosenfelt, th'
+pa-apers tells me, shtud in front iv th' fireplace, nervously
+pluckin' Sicrety Gage be th' beard.  'I've come,' says Gin'ral
+Miles, 'to pay me rayspicts to th' head iv th' naytion.' 'Thank
+ye,' says th' prisidint, 'I'll do th' same f'r th' head iv th'
+army,' he says, bouncin' a coal scuttle on th' vethran's helmet.
+'Gin'ral, I don't like ye'er recent conduct,' he says, sindin'
+th' right to th' pint iv th' jaw.  'Ye've been in th' army forty
+year,' he says, pushin' his head into th' grate, 'an' ye shud know
+that an officer who criticizes his fellow officers, save in th'
+reg'lar way, that is to say in a round robin, is guilty iv I
+dinnaw what,' he says, feedin' him with his soord.  'I am foorced
+to administher ye a severe reproof,' he says.  'Is that what this
+is?' says Gin'ral Miles.  'It is,' says th' prisidint.  'I thought
+it was capital punishnmint,' says Gin'ral Miles as he wint out
+through th' window pursooed be a chandelier.  His nex' article
+will be entitled 'Hospital Sketches,' an' I undhershtand he's
+dictatin' a few remarks to his nurse on providin' atthractive suits
+iv steel plate f'r gin'rals in th' army.
+
+"Well, sir, they'll be gr-reat times down there f'r a few years.
+A movement is on foot f'r to establish an emergency hospital f'r
+office holders an' politicians acrost th' sthreet fr'm th' White
+House where they can be threated f'r infractions iv th' Civil
+Sarvice law followed be pers'nal injuries.  I'll be watchin' th'
+pa-apers ivry mornin'.  'Rayciption at th' White House.  Among th'
+casulties was so-an'-so.  Th' prisidint was in a happy mood.  He
+administhered a stingin' rebuke to th' Chief Justice iv th' Supreme
+Coort, a left hook to eye.  Sinitor Hanna was prisint walkin' with
+a stick.  Th' prisidint approached him gaily an' asked him about
+his leg.  "'Tis gettin' betther," says th' sinitor.  "That's good,"
+says th' prisidint.  "Come again whin it is entirely well an' we'll
+talk over that appointment," he says.  Th' afthernoon was enlivened
+be th' appearance iv a Southern Congressman askin' f'r a foorth-class
+post-office.  Th' prisidint hardly missed him be more thin a foot
+at th' gate, but th' Congressman bein' formerly wan iv Mosby's
+guerillas escaped, to th' gr-reat chagrin iv Mr. Rosenfelt, who
+remarked on his return that life at th' White House was very
+confinin'.  "I will niver be able to enfoorce th' civil sarvice
+law till I take more exercise," he said heartily.  Th' ambulance
+was at th' dure promptly at five, but no important business havin'
+been thransacted nearly all th' cabinet was able to walk to their
+homes.'
+
+"Yes, sir, 'twill be grand an' I'm goin' to injye it.  F'r th'
+first time since I've been at it, Ar-rchey road methods has been
+inthrajooced in naytional polliticks.  I knew th' time wud come,
+Hinnissy.  'Tis th' on'y way.  Ye may talk about it as much as ye
+want, but govermint, me boy, is a case iv me makin' ye do what I
+want an' if I can't do it with a song, I'll do it with a shovel.
+Th' ir'n hand in th' velvet glove, th' horseshoe in th' boxin'
+mit, th' quick right, an' th' heavy boot, that was th' way we r-run
+polliticks when I was captain iv me precinct."
+
+"But ye niver was prisidint," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"I always had too soft a spot f'r age," said Mr. Dooley; "an' 'tis
+th' aged that does up us young fellows.  An' annyhow I done betther."
+
+
+
+
+Money and Matrimony
+
+
+
+"Can a man marry on twinty-five dollars?" asked Mr. Dooley.
+
+"He can if he can get th' money," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley; "here's a judge on th' binch says
+twinty-five dollars is as much as a man needs to enther th' sacred
+bonds--twinty-five dollars beside th' nerve, an' he has to have
+that annyhow.  Th' pa-apers has took it up an' some is f'r it an'
+some is again' it.  A few iditors believes it can be done on less;
+others thinks it can't be done undher thirty at th' outside.  A
+larned lawyer says that a man who wud lure a young girl away fr'm
+her music lessons whin if she asked him f'r twinty-six dollars
+he'd have to signal f'r help, is nawthin' short iv a crim'nal.
+Nearly all th' ladin' acthresses in th' counthry has been interviewed
+an' they say that if marrid at all they cud not see their way clear
+f'r less thin a millyion iv money.  They think th' judge meant a
+divoorce.  Lookin' over th' argymints pro an' con, Hinnissy, I
+come to th' conclusion that th' judge is wrong an' times has changed.
+
+"Whin I was a boy all a man needed was a little encouragement fr'm
+th' fam'ly, an account with a liveryman an' a small pull with th'
+parish priest an' there he was.  'Twas well if he had a job too
+but if he hadn't it wasn't a bar.  A marrid man can always find
+wurruk to do.  He's got to.  But no wan iver thought iv askin' him
+to skin open his bank book.  They wasn't anny such things.  They
+wasn't anny banks.  He didn't have to pin a cashier's check to th'
+proposal an' put in a sealed bid.  If th' girls in my time an'
+this part iv town had to wait f'r an opulent business man with
+twinty-five or thirty dollars, manny iv thim wud be waitin' at
+this minyit.
+
+"We looked on mathrimony as a dhraft on posterity, as Mark Hanna
+wud say, an' not as an invistmint.  We argyied that while th'
+childher was growin' up we'd be undher no expinse, an' when they'd
+finished their schoolin' an' was able to take up th' stern jooties
+iv life an' go to wurruk, say between th' age iv sivin an' nine,
+they cud support us in luxury.  Th' young ladies had none th' best
+iv us.  They had no money too, along with th' rest iv their charms.
+It was no case iv matchin' coopons in thim happy days.  Th' father
+iv th' fam'ly niver thought iv sindin' in an expert accountant to
+look over th' young man's books an' decide whether his invistmints
+was sound, an' if th' young man had th' nerve to ask his father-in-law
+was he still on th' payroll, 'twudn't be the sacramint iv mathrimony
+he'd require.  If th' young man was kind to th' dog, smoked seegars
+that were not made be th' rubber thrust an' cud pass ivry second
+saloon without a pang, he was illegible f'r to enther th' first
+fam'lies in th' neighborhood an' sometimes even th' last.  We was
+too dilicate f'r to speak iv marredge as though it was like buyin'
+a pound iv tinpinny nails.  Durin' th' coortship no wan around
+th' house iver let on that annything was in th' air, though wanst
+in awhile they was a giggle whin th' dure bell rang an' th' ol'
+man wud give a wink to th' clock an' go out into th' kitchen.  We
+spint most iv our time in th' kitchen while th' preliminaries was
+bein' arranged.  Th' coortship I think wint on be a complete system
+iv signals long befure Marconi come into th' wurruld, but wan night
+th' wealthy heiress come hack fr'm th' parlor an' fell into a
+clinch with her mother, an' th' proud father yawned an' wint to
+bed.  That was all they was to it.  No wan assayed young Lotharyo
+Hinnissy iv th' sixth ward.  If they heard he had twinty-five
+dollars, they'd begin f'r to make an allybi ready f'r him.  I mind
+whin Hogan was goin' to marry Cassidy's daughter.  'I haven't a
+cint,' he says.  'Hurry up an' marry thin,' says Cassidy, 'or ye
+might have.'
+
+"That's th' way it was in thim good ol' days an', be hivins, I
+think that's th' way it is now among th' likes iv us.  An' that's
+a good thing f'r th' men that own th' rollin' mills.  It wudden't
+do to take anny chances goin' up an' down Ar-rchey road offerin'
+ye'ersilf without th' cash forfeit.  Some wan might call ye.  But
+it's diff'rent among th' best fam'lies.  'Tis far diff'rent.  I
+read be th' pa-apers in this conthrovarsy, that if a man can't
+show down a bank account that wud make Andhrew Carnaygie feel like
+goin' back to wurruk, he might as well make up his mind to remain
+a gay bachelor till he falls fr'm th' cab f'r th' las' time.  Not
+f'r him th' joys iv marrid life, th' futman at th' dure tellin'
+him his wife has not come home yet, th' prattlin' iv th' tendher
+infant as it is rocked to sleep in th' incybator, th' frequent
+letthers fr'm abroad askin' him if th' dhraft come.  No rayspictible
+woman wud have him while he was gettin' th' money an' none ought
+to have him afther he's got it.
+
+"Manetime th' price iv mathrimonyal coopon fours goes up till
+hardly annywan can think iv entherin' thim.  A man believes th'
+judge was wrong an' says he, 'I'll niver condimn Mary Josephine
+to be a poor man's wife.  I'll wait till I get a millyion.' It's
+not so hard to get a millyion nowadays if ye pick out th' right
+people to get it fr'm, but it takes some time, an' befure th' eager
+suitor has landed enough to sit in th' game, he's considherably
+past th' age iv consint.  Manetime father, too, hasn't been idle.
+He's bethrayed a few thrusts himsilf an' put a story or two on
+th' house.  So whin th' young man comes up wan night an' lays down
+his pile an' suggests that th' time has come f'r to hasten th'
+glad evint, father says: 'I'm afraid, me boy, that ye're a little
+slow.  Ye haven't kept pace with th' socyal requiremints.  Since
+seein' ye last, Mary Josephine has acquired th' use iv a private
+yacht an' is slowly mastherin' th' great truth that if ye have a
+club suit, ye ought to pass up th' make.  A slight oversight some
+afthernoon in distinguishin' thrumps an' they wudden't be enough
+iv that bundle left to put a rubber band around.  No, Mike, I think
+a gr-reat deal iv ye, but niver, niver will I consint that a
+daughter iv mine shud suffer th' pangs iv poverty.' An' so it goes
+through th' years until marredge, Hinnissy, is resthricted to th'
+very rich an' th' exthremely poor who're almost all marrid already.
+
+"I don't know mesilf what to think iv it, Hinnissy, an' I don't
+know that I ought to worry about it.  I haven't noticed anny
+reduction in th' number iv marredge licenses day be day.  Th'
+Kubelowskis an' th' Witsinskis still are exchangin' vows, an' if
+they've got more thin twinty-five dollars apiece I'd like to know
+where they got it an' notify th' polis.  No, sir, th' gloryous ol'
+instichooshion iv which I'm as proud as I am shy is here to stay,
+an' I'm thinkin' it'll be here whin money becomes extinct.  If th'
+rich are becomin' richer, th' poor are becomin' more foolish about
+these things, an' there's hope in that."
+
+"D'ye ra-ally think a man ought to marry on twinty-five dollars?"
+asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"If he's that kind iv a man, more money thin that wud be wasted
+on him," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+
+
+
+Prince Henry's Visit
+
+
+
+"It's goin' to be gr-reat times f'r us Germans whin Prince Hinnery
+comes over," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"By th' way," said Mr. Hennessy with an air of polite curiosity,
+"what relation's he to th' impror iv Germany? Is he th' son or th'
+nevvew?"
+
+"He's nayther," said Mr. Dooley.  "Th' impror has no sons that I
+iver heerd iv.  If he had a son he'd be a steam injine.  No, sir,
+this man is th' impror's brother Hinnery or Hans.  I don't exactly
+know what th' usual jooties iv an impror's brother is.  I know
+what an impror has to do.  His wurruk's cut out f'r him.  I cud
+fill th' job mesilf to me own satisfaction an' th' on'y wan an
+impror has to plaze is himsilf.  Th' German impror frequently
+mintions another, but on'y in th' way iv politeness.  I know what
+an impror's jooties is, but I don't know what an impror's brother
+has to do ex officio, as Hogan says.  But this boy Hinnery or Hans
+has more wurruk thin a bartinder in a prohibition town.  He's a
+kind iv travellin' agent f'r th' big la-ad.  His bag is ready
+packed ivry night, he sleeps like a fireman with his pants in his
+boots beside his bed, an' they'se a thrap dure alongside th' cradle
+f'r him to slide down to th' first flure.
+
+"He's no more thin got to sleep whin th' three iliven sounds on
+th' gong.  In Hinnery leaps to th' pantaloons, down th' laddher
+he goes pullin' up his suspinders with wan hand an' puttin' on his
+hat with th' other an' off he is f'r Corea or Chiny or Booloochistan
+at a gallop.  His brother stands at th' dure an' hollers farewell
+to him.  'Go, Hinnery,' he says.  'Go, me dear brother, to th'
+land iv perpetchooal sunshine an' knock in nails f'r to hang up
+th' German armor,' he says.  'Knock in th' nails, an' if ye happen
+to hit ye'ersilf on th' thumb, swear on'y be th' German Mike an'
+raymimber ye done it f'r me,' he says.  'I will remain at home an'
+conthrol th' rest iv th' wurruld with th' assistance iv that German
+Providence that has been as kind to us as we desarve an' that we
+look up to as our akel,' he says.  An' Hinnery goes away.  He
+travels o'er land an' sea, be fire an' flood an' field.  He's th'
+ginooine flyin' Dutchman.  His home is in his hat.  He hasn't slept
+all night in a bed f'r tin years.  'Tis Hinnery this an' Hinnery
+that; Hinnery up th' Nile an' Hinnery to Injy; Hinnery here an'
+Hinnery there.  Th' cuffs iv his shirt is made iv th' time cards
+iv railroads.  Ivry time they'se a change in schedool he ordhers
+new shirts.  He knows th' right iv way fr'm Berlin to Ballymaehoo;
+he speaks all known languages, an' ivrywhere he goes he makes a
+frind or an inimy, which is th' same thing to th' Germans.  He
+carries a sample case undher wan arm an' a gun undher th' other,
+an' if ye don't like Rhine wine perhaps ye'll take lead.  On
+second considherations he won't shoot ye but he'll sell ye th'
+Krupp.  They'se more where it come fr'm.
+
+"I tell ye, Hinnissy, this Impror or Kaiser iv Germany is a smart
+man.  I used to think 'twas not so.  I thought he had things unaisy
+in his wheel-house.  I mind whin he got th' job, ivrywan says:
+'Look out f'r war.  This wild man will he in that office f'r a
+year whin he'll just about declare fight with th' wurruld.' An'
+ivrybody framed up f'r him.  But look ye what happened.  'Tis
+twinty years since he was swore in an' ne'er a fight has he had.
+Ivrybody else has been in throuble.  A screw-maker iv a sindintary
+life has ploonged England into a war; me frinds th' Greeks that
+were considhered about akel to a flush iv anger over a raid on a
+push cart has mixed it up with th' Turks; th' Japs has been at
+war, an' th' Dagoes; our own peace-lovin' nation has been runnin'
+wan short an' wan serryal war, an' aven th' Chinese has got their
+dandher up, be hivins, but Willum, th' Middleweight Champeen,
+Willum th' Potsdam Game Chicken, Willum, th' Unterdenlinden Cyclone,
+Willum has been ladin' th' ca'm an' prosperous life iv a delicatessen
+dealer undher a turner hall.  He's had no fights.  He niver will
+have anny fights.  He'll go to his grave with th' repytation iv
+nayether winnin' nor losin' a battle, but iv takin' down more
+forfeits thin anny impror pugilist iv our time.
+
+"What do I think iv him? Well, sir, I think he's not a fighter but
+a fight lover.  Did ye iver see wan iv thim young men that always
+has a front seat at a scrap so near th' ring that whin th' second
+blows th' wather he gets what's left on his shirt front? Well,
+that's me frind Willum.  He is a pathron iv spoort an' not a spoort.
+His ideel is war but he's a practical man.  He has a season ticket
+to th' matches but he niver will put on the gloves.  He's in the
+spoortin' goods business an' he usu'lly gets a percintage iv th'
+gate receipts.  If he sees two nations bellowin' at each other th'
+assurances iv their distinguished considheration, he says: 'Boys,
+get together.  'Tis a good match.  Ye're both afraid.  Go in, uncle;
+go in, Boer.' He is all around th' ringside, encouragin' both sides.
+'Stand up again' him there, Paul; rassle him to th' flure.  Good
+f'r ye, uncle.  A thrifle low, that wan, but all's fair in war.
+Defind ye'er indipindance, noble sons iv Teutonic blood.  Exercise
+ye'er sov'reign rights, me English frinds.' If wan or th' other
+begins to weaken th' first bottle through th' ropes is Willum's.
+Whin annybody suggests a dhraw, he demands his money back.  Nawthin'
+but a fight to a finish will do him.  If ayether iv th' contestants
+is alive in th' ring at th' end, he congratulates him an' asks
+him if he heerd that German cheer in th' las' round.
+
+"Oh, he's good.  He'll do all right, that German man.  In high
+di-plomacy, he's what in low di-plomacy wud be called a happy
+jollyer.  But he knows that if a man's always slappin' ye on th'
+back, ye begin to think he's weak; so he first shakes his fist
+undher ye'er nose an' thin slaps ye on th' back.  Sometimes he
+does both at th' same time.  An' he's got th' thrue jollyer's way
+iv provin' to ye that he's ye'er frind alone an' th' deadly inimy
+iv all others.  He's got th' Czar iv Rooshya hypnotized, th' King
+iv England hugged to a standstill, an' th' Impror iv Chiny in tears.
+An' he's made thim all think th' first thing annywan knows, he'll
+haul off an' swing on wan iv th' others.
+
+"So, havin' fixed ivrything up in Europe, he cast his eyes on this
+counthry, an' says he: 'I think I'll have to dazzle thim furriners
+somewhat.  They've got a round-headed man f'r prisidint that was
+born with spurs on his feet an' had a catridge-belt f'r a rattle,
+an' some day his goolash won't agree with him an' he'll call th'
+bluff I've been makin' these manny years.  What'll I do to make
+thim me frinds so that 'twud be like settin' fire to their own
+house to attackt me? Be hivins, I've got it.  They're a dimmycratic
+people.  I'll sind thim a prince.  They can't keep him away, an'
+whin he lands, th' German popylation'll come out an' get up
+schootzenfists f'r him an' me fellow impror acrost th' say'll see
+how manny iv them there ar-re, an' he'll think twict befure he
+makes faces at me.  F'r, wanst a German, always a German be it
+iver so far,' he says.  'I'll sind thim Hinnery.  Hinnery! Turn
+in th' alarm f'r Hinnery,' he says.  Hinnery slides down th' pole
+an' th' Impror says: 'Brother, catch th' night boat f'r America
+an' pay a visit to whativer king they have there.  Take along
+annywan ye like an' as manny thrunks as ye need, an' stay as long
+as ye plaze.  Don't ring.  Back th' dhray again' th' front dure
+an' hurl ye'ersilf into th' first bed room ye see.  Act just as
+if ye was me,' he says.  'But I'm not invited,' says Hinnery.
+'Write ye'er own invitation,' says Willum.  'Here's th' answer:
+'Fellow Potyntate, Ye'ers iv th' second instant askin' me brother
+Hinnery to spind a year with ye, not received.  In reply will say
+that nawthin' cud give me gr-reater pleasure.  He can stay as long
+as he plazes.  Him an' his soot will not need more thin th' whole
+house, so ye can have th' barn to ye'ersilf.  If ye have a brother,
+don't neglect to sind him over to see me.  I know a good hotel at
+four a day, all included but candles, an' if he stands at th'
+front window, he can see me go by anny day.  Ye'ers, Willum, Rex
+an' a shade more.'
+
+"So here comes Hinnery, an' we're goin' to give him a gloryous
+rayciption.  Th' war vessels will be out to welcome him, th'
+prisidint will meet him at th' dock an' he will be threated to wan
+continyous round iv schutzenfists, turnd'yeminds, sangerbunds,
+katzenjammers, skats, an' other German fistivals.  Th' aristocracy
+iv New York is practicin' Dutch an' th' Waldorf-Astorya will be
+festooned with dachshunds.  He'll see more Germans an' more German
+Germans thin he iver see in Prooshya.  An' I hope he'll have a
+good time."
+
+"I wondher what Tiddy Rosenfelt thinks iv it?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Well, what wud ye think if ye'd had to intertain a German Prince
+unawares? Ye'd give him th' best ye'd got, ye'd dig up a bottle
+iv Knockimheimer down th' sthreet an' ye'd see that he got a noodle
+ivry time he reached.  An' whin he wint away, ye'd go as far as
+th' dure with him an' pat him on th' back an' say: 'Good-bye,
+good-bye, Hinnery.  Good-bye, Hans.  Guten nobben, oof veedersayin,
+me boy.  Good luck to ye.  Look out f'r that shtep! There ye ar-re.
+Be careful iv th' gate.  D'ye think ye can get home all right? I'd
+go as far as th' car with ye if I had me coat on.  Well, good-bye
+lanksman.  Raymimber me to ye'er brother.  Tell him not to f'rget
+that little matther.  Oh, of coorse, they'se no counthry in th'
+wurruld like Germany an' we're uncivilized an' rapacyous an' will
+get our heads knocked off if we go into a fight.  Good-bye, mein
+frind.' An' whin ye'd shut th' dure on him, ye'd say: 'Well, what
+d'ye think iv that?'"
+
+
+
+
+Prince Henry's Reception
+
+
+
+"That Prince Hinnery seems to be havin' a good time," said Mr.
+Hennessy.
+
+"He's havin' th' time iv his life," said Mr. Dooley.  "Not since
+th' Hohnezollern fam'ly was founded be wan iv th' ablest burglars
+iv th' middle ages has anny prince injyed such a spree as this
+wan.  Ye see, a prince is a gr-reat man in th' ol' counthry, but
+he niver is as gr-reat over there as he is here.  Whin he's at
+home he's something th' people can't help an' they don't mind him.
+He's like an iron lamp post, station'ry, ornymintal, an' useful
+to let people know where they are.  But whin he comes to this home
+iv raypublican simplicity, he's all that th' wurrud prince wud
+imply, an' it implies more to us thin to annywan else.  I tell ye,
+we're givin' him th' best we have in th' shop.  We're showin' him
+that whativer riv'rince we may feel tow'rd George Wash'nton, it
+don't prejudice us again' live princes.  Th' princes we hate is
+thim that are dead an' harmless.  We've rayceived him with open
+arms, an' I'll say this f'r him, that f'r a German he's a good
+fellow.
+
+"That's as far as I care to go, havin' lived f'r manny years among
+th' Germans.  I'm not prejudiced again' thim, mind ye.  They make
+good beer an' good citizens an' mod-rate polismen, an' they are
+fond iv their fam'lies an' cheese.  But wanst a German, always
+Dutch.  Ye cudden't make Americans iv thim if ye called thim all
+Perkins an' brought thim up in Worcester.  A German niver ra-aly
+leaves Germany.  He takes it with him wheriver he goes.  Whin an
+Irishman is four miles out at sea he is as much an American as
+Presarved Fish.  But a German is niver an American excipt whin he
+goes back to Germany to see his rilitives.  He keeps his own
+language, he plays pinochle, he despises th' dhrink iv th' counthry,
+his food is sthrange an' he on'y votes f'r Germans f'r office, or
+if he can't get a German, f'r somewan who's again' th' Irish.  I
+bet ye, if ye was to suddenly ask Schwarzmeister where he is, he'd
+say: 'At Hockheimer in Schwabia.' He don't ra-aly know he iver
+come to this counthry.  I've heerd him talkin' to himsilf.  He
+always counts in German.
+
+"But I say about Prince Hinnery that f'r a German he's all right
+an' I'm glad he come.  I hear he wrote home to his brother that
+is th' Imp'ror over there: 'Dear Willum: This is a wondherful
+counthry, an' they've give me a perfectly killin' rayciption.
+I've almost died laughin'.  We was met forty miles out at sea be
+a band on a raft playin' th' Watch on th' Rhine.  We encountered
+another band playin' th' same plazin' harmony ivry five miles till
+we got up to New York.  I wisht I had come over on a man-iv-war.
+In th' Bay we was surrounded be a fleet iv tugs carryin' riprisintatives
+iv th' press, singin' th' Watch on th' Rhine.  I rayceived siveral
+offers through a migaphone to write an article about what ye say
+in ye'er sleep f'r th' pa-apers, but I declined thim, awaitin'
+insthructions fr'm ye.  At th' dock we was greeted be a band playin'
+th' Watch on th' Rhine an' afther some delay, caused be th'
+Delicatessen Sangerbund holdin' us while they sung th' Watch on
+th' Rhine, we stepped ashore on a gangplank neatly formed be th'
+guv'nor iv th' state holdin' onto th' feet iv th' mayor, him
+clutchin' th' iditor iv th' Staats Zeitung an' so on, th' gangplank
+singin' th' Watch on th' Rhine as we walked to th' dock.
+
+"'I am much imprissed be New York.  I hate it.  Th' buildin's are
+very high here but th' language is higher.  If I was to go home
+now, ye wudden't know me.  Afther I hear a speech I don't dare to
+look in th' glass f'r fear I might be guilty iv treason to ye,
+mein lieber.  Our illustrious ancesthor, Fridrick th' Great, was
+a cheap an' common man compared to me, an' ye, august brother,
+niver got by th' barrier.  I hope I'll have time to cool down
+befure I get home or ye'll have to lock me up.
+
+"'They're givin' me th' fine line iv entertainmint.  Ivrywhere I
+go, they'se music or something that does as well.  I have a musical
+insthrument called a catastrophone in me room that plays th' Watch
+on th' Rhine whin I go in at night an' get up in th' mornin'.
+Whin I go out on th' sthreet, th' crowd cries "Hock th' Kaiser."
+I wish they'd stop hockin' ye, dear brother, an' hock th' Watch
+on th' Rhine.  (This here is an American joke.  I'm gettin' on
+fast.) I'm goin' to be took to th' opry some night this week.
+They've fired a lot iv la-ads out iv their boxes to make room f'r
+me.  Wan iv thim objected, but he was fired annyhow.  Aftherward
+I'm goin' to ate dinner with th' iditors iv th' counthry.  Won't
+that be nice? I suppose I'm th' first Hohnezollern that iver took
+dinner with an iditor, though our fam'ly has often given thim food
+an' lodgin'--in jail.  I wish ye was here to go with me.  Ye've
+had more journylistic expeeryence an' manny iv th' things ye've
+had printed wudden't seem too unthrue to th' other guests.  Th'
+newspapers has been mos' kind to me, I might say almost too kind.
+I am sindin' ye a photygraft iv mesilf in me bath, took be flashlight
+be an iditor concealed on th' top iv th' clothes press, an' an
+interview be a lady rayporther who riprisinted hersilf as th'
+Queen iv Ohio.
+
+"'But th' big ivint comes off tomorrah.  I am actually invited to
+a dinner iv wan hundherd iv th' riprisintative business men iv New
+York an' a few Christyans ast in aftherward.  Hooray, hooray! Mind
+ye, these ar-re not ordhn'ry business men.  Far fr'm it.  No one
+gets in unless he has made at laste eight millyion marks out iv
+th' sivinty millyion marks in this counthry.  An' I'm ast to meet
+thim! What fun! I bet 'twill be jolly.  I'm goin' to buy me a table
+f'r computin' inthrest, a copy iv th' naytional bankin' act an' a
+good account iv th' thransactions in sterlin' exchange f'r th'
+current year an' whin th' quip an' jest go round, I'll be no
+skeleton at th' feast.
+
+"'Ye can see be this that me life has been almost too gay, but th'
+merrymint goes blithely on.  Fr'm here I go to Bawstown where I
+expict to pat th' Bunker Hill monymint on th' head an' have a look
+at th' new railway station.  Then I will take in Buffly, Cichago
+(pro-nounced Sichawgo), Saint Looey, Three Rapids, Idaho, Pinnsylvanya,
+an' mos' iv th' large cities iv th' west, includin' Chatahooga
+where wan iv th' gr-reat battles iv th' rivolution was fought
+between Gin'ral Sigel an' Gin'ral Zollycoffer.  I ixpict to larn
+a good deal about th' steel, pork, corn, lard an' lithrachoor iv
+th' counthry befure I rayturn.  But this buttherfly existence is
+killin' me.  It is far too gay.  I suppose whin I was younger, I
+wud've injyed it, but me time f'r socyal fistivities has passed
+an' I long f'r th' quiet iv home life among th' simple ryelties
+iv Europe.  Ye'ers, Hinnery.'
+
+"Yes, he's havin' a good time.  But what th' pa-apers calls th'
+climax iv th' intertainmint will be reached whin he arrives in
+Chicago.  Schwartzmeister an' I will rayceive him.  Schwartzmeister's
+fam'ly knew his in th' ol' counthry.  He had an uncle that was
+booted all th' way fr'm Sedan to Paris be a cousin iv th' Prince.
+We've arranged th' programme as far as Ar-rchey road is consarned.
+Monday mornin', visit to Kennedy's packin' house; afthernoon,
+Riordan's blacksmith shop; avenin', 'Th' Two Orphans,' at th'
+Halsted sthreet opry house.  Choosdah, iliven A.M., inspiction iv
+th' rollin' mills ; afthernoon, visit to Feeney's coal yard;
+avenin', 'Bells iv Corneville,' at th' opry house.  Winsdah
+mornin', tug ride on th' river fr'm Thirty-first sthreet to Law's
+coal yard; afthernoon, a call on th' tanneries, th' cable barn an'
+th' brick yards; avenin', dinner an' rayciption be th' retail
+saloonkeepers.  There's th' whole programme.  They may think in
+New York they are givin' him a good time but we'll show him what
+gayety ra-aly is, an' inform him iv th' foundation iv our
+supreemacy as a nation.  That's what he wants to see an' we'll
+show it to him."
+
+"Goowan," said Mr. Hennessy.  "He don't know ye."
+
+"I bet ye he knows me as much as he knows thim," said Mr. Dooley.
+"To a ra-ale prince, they can't be much diff'rence between a man
+who sells liquor be th' pail an' wan that sells it be th' distillery,
+between a man that makes a horseshoe an' wan that makes a mlllyion
+tons iv steel.  We're all alike to him--Carnaygie, Rockyfellar,
+Morgan, Schwartzmeister an' me."
+
+"Well, he certainly has been well rayceived," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"I wondher," said Mr. Dooley, "if he thinks 'tis on th' square!"
+
+
+
+
+Cuba vs. Beet Sugar
+
+
+
+"What's all this about Cubia an' th' Ph'lippeens?" asked Mr.
+Hennessy.  "What's beet sugar?"
+
+"Th' throuble about Cubia is that she's free; th' throuble about
+beet sugar is we're not; an' th' throuble about th' Ph'lippeens
+is th' Ph'lippeen throuble," said Mr. Dooley.  "As rega-ards Cubia,
+she's like a woman that th' whole neighborhood helps to divoorce
+fr'm a crool husband, but nivertheless a husband, an' a miserable
+home but a home, an' a small credit at th' grocery but a credit,
+an' thin whin she goes into th' dhressmakin' business, rayfuse to
+buy annything fr'm her because she's a divoorced woman.  We freed
+Cubia but we didn't free annything she projooces.  It wasn't her
+fault.  We didn't think.  We expicted that all we had to do was
+to go down to Sandago with a kinetoscope an' sthrike th' shackles
+fr'm th' slave an' she'd be comfortable even if she had no other
+protiction f'r her poor feet.  We f'rgot about th' Beet.  Most iv
+us niver thought about that beautiful but fragile flower excipt
+biled in conniction with pigs' feet or pickled in its own life
+juice.  We didn't know that upon th' Beet hangs th' fate iv th'
+nation, th' hope iv th' future, th' permanence iv our instichoochions
+an' a lot iv other things akelly precious.  Th' Beet is th' naytional
+anthem an', be hivins, it looks as though it might be th' naytional
+motto befure long.
+
+"Well, Cubia got her freedom or something that wud look like th'
+same thing if she kept it out iv th' rain, but somehow or another
+it didn't suit her entirely.  A sort iv cravin' come over her that
+it was hard to tell fr'm th' same feelin' iv vacancy that she knew
+whin she was opprissed be th' Hated Casteel.  Hunger, Hinnissy,
+is about th' same thing in a raypublic as in a dispotism.  They'se
+not much choice iv unhappiness between a hungry slave an' a hungry
+freeman.  Cubia cudden't cuk or wear freedom.  Ye can't make freedom
+into a stew an' ye can't cut a pair iv pants out iv it.  It won't
+bile, fry, bake or fricassee.  Ye can't take two pounds iv fresh
+creamery freedom, a pound iv north wind, a heapin' taycupfull iv
+naytional aspirations an' a sprinklin' iv bars fr'm th' naytional
+air, mix well, cuk over a hot fire an' sarve sthraight fr'm th'
+shtove; ye can't make a dish out iv that that wud nourish a tired
+freeman whin he comes home afther a hard day's wurruk lookin' f'r
+a job.  So Cubia comes te us an' says she: 'Ye done well by us,'
+she says.  'Ye give us freedom,' says she, 'an' more thin enough
+to go round,' she says, 'an' now if ye plaze we'd like to thrade
+a little iv it bhack f'r a few groceries,' she says.  'We will
+wear wan shackle f'r a ham,' says she, 'an' we'll put on a full
+raygalia iv ball an' chain an' yoke an' fetters an' come-alongs
+f'r a square meal,' says she.
+
+"That sounds raisonable enough an' bein' be nature a gin'rous
+people whin we don't think, we're about to help her disthress with
+whativer we have cold in th' panthry whin th' thought iv th' Beet
+crosses our minds.  What will th' Beet say, th' red, th' juicy,
+th' sacchrine Beet, th' Beet iv our Fathers, th' Beet iv Plymouth
+Rock, Beet iv th' Pilgrim's Pride, Sweet Beet iv Liberty, iv thee
+I sing? If we do annything f'r Cubia, down goes th' Beet, an' with
+th' Beet perishes our instichoochions.  Th' constichoochion follows
+th' Beet ex propria vigore, as Hogan says.  Th' juice iv th' Beet
+is th' life blood iv our nation.  Whoiver touches a hair iv yon
+star spangled Beet, shoot him on th' spot.  A bold Beet industhry
+a counthry's pride whin wanst desthroyed can niver be supplied.
+'Beet sugar an' Liberty Now an' Foriver, wanan' insiprable'--Dan'l
+Webster.  'Thank Gawd I--I also--am a Beet'--th' same.  'Gover'mint
+iv th' Beet, by th' Beet an' f'r th' Beet shall not perish fr'm
+th' earth,'--Abraham Lincoln.  An' so, Hinnissy, we put th' pie
+back into th' ice-chest where we keep our honor an' ginerosity an'
+lock th' dure an' Cubia goes home, free an' hopeless.  D'ye think
+so? Well, I don't.  Be hivins, Hinnissy, I think th' time has come
+whin we've got to say whether we're a nation iv Beets.  I am no
+serf, but I'd rather be bent undher th' dispotism iv a Casteel
+thin undher th' tyranny iv a Beet.  If I've got to be a slave,
+I'd rather be wan to a man, even a Spanish man, thin to a viggytable.
+If I'm goin' to he opprissed be a Beet, let it be fr'm th' inside
+not fr'm without.  I'll choose me masther, Hinnissy, an' whin I
+do, 'twill not be that low-lyin', purple-complected, indygistible
+viggytable.  I may bend me high head to th' egg-plant, th' potato,
+th' cabbage, th' squash, th' punkin, th' sparrow-grass, th' onion,
+th' spinach, th' rutabaga turnip, th' Fr-rench pea or th' parsnip,
+but 'twill niver be said iv me that I was subjygated be a Beet.
+No, sir.  Betther death.  I'm goin' to begin a war f'r freedom.
+I'm goin' to sthrike th' shackles fr'm a slave an' I'm him.  I'm
+goin' to organize a rig'mint iv Rough Riders an' whin I stand on
+th' top iv San Joon hill with me soord in me hand an' me gleamin'
+specs on me nose, ye can mark th' end iv th' domination iv th'
+Beet in th' western wurruld.  F'r, Hinnissy, I tell ye what, if
+th' things I hear fr'm Wash'nton is thrue, that other war iv freedom
+stopped befure it was half done."
+
+"An' what about th' Ph'lippeens?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"They'se nawthin' to say about th' Ph'lippeens," said Mr. Dooley,
+"excipt that th' throuble down there is all over."
+
+"All over?"
+
+"All over."
+
+
+
+
+Bad Men From The West
+
+
+
+"I see," said Mr. Hennessy, "th' Sinit has rayfused f'r to confirm
+th' nommynation iv a man f'r an office out West because he'd been
+in jail."
+
+"Pro-fissyonal jealousy," said Mr. Dooley.  "Ye see, th' fact iv
+th' matther is th' Sinit don't know what th' people iv th' Far
+West want an' th' prisidint does.  Th' Sinit thinks th' jooty iv
+th' counthry to th' land iv th' tarantuly is done if they sind out
+a man too weak in th' lungs to stay in th' East an' wan that can
+multiply com-pound fractions in his head.  But th' prisidint he
+knows that what's needed in th' Far West is active, intilligent
+officers that can shoot through th' pocket.  Th' other day it
+become necess'ry to thrust on th' impeeryal terrytory iv Aryzony
+a competint person f'r to administher th' laws an' keep th' peace
+iv said community, an' th' pollyticians in Wash'nton was f'r givin'
+thim somewan fr'm Connecticut or Rhode Island with a cough an' a
+brother in th' legislachure.  But th' prisidint says no.  'No,'
+he says, 'none but th' best,' he says, f'r th' domain iv th' settin'
+sun, 'he says.  'I know th' counthry well,' he says, 'an' to cope
+with th' hardy spirits iv Aryzony 'tis issintial we shud have a
+man that can plug a coyote fr'm th' hip at fifty paces,' he says.
+'How can you dhraw to yon hectic flush so's to make him good again'
+th' full hands iv thim communities where life is wan gay an'
+tireless round iv shoot,' he says.  'Ye can't expict him to riprisint
+th' majesty iv th' govermint iv Wash'nton an' Lincoln.  He'd be
+bucked off befure he got his feet in th' sturrups.  No, sir, th'
+man iv me choice is Tarantula Jake, th' whirlwind iv Zuina Pass.
+This imminint statesman has pocketed more balls thin anny other
+disperado west iv Tucson, an' anny docymints iv state enthrusted
+to his hands is sure to be delivered to their object,' he says,
+'or,' he says, 'th' heirs iv th' object,' he says.
+
+"'But,' says th' Sinit, 'he lost an ear in a fight.'
+
+"'A boyish error,' says th' prisidint.  'Th' man threw th' knife
+at him,' he says.
+
+"'And he kilt a man,' says they.
+
+"'Ye do him an injustice,' says th' prisidint.  'Kilt a man, says
+ye! Kilt a man! Such is fame.  Why,' he says, 'he's kilt more men
+thin th' Sinit has repytations,' he says.  'Ye might jus' as well
+say me frind Sinitor Bivridge wanst made a speech, or that Shakespere
+wrote a play, or that it's a fine tooth I have.  If all th' people
+Jake has kilt was alive to-day, we'd be passin' congisted disthrict
+ligislachion f'r Aryzony.  Kilt a man is it? I give ye me wurrud
+that ye can hardly find wan home in Aryzony, fr'm th' proudest
+doby story-an'-a-half palace iv th' rich to th' lowly doby wan-story
+hut iv th' poor, that this flagrant pathrite hasn't deprived iv
+at laste wan ornymint.  Didn't I tell ye he is a killer? I didn't
+mane a man that on'y wanst in a while takes a life.  He's a rale
+killer.  He's no retailer.  He's th' Armour iv that particular
+line iv slaughter.  Ye don't suppose that I'd propose f'r to
+enthrust him with a lofty constichoochinal mission if he on'y
+kilt wan man.  Me notions iv th' jooties iv public office is far
+higher thin that, I thank hivin.  Besides in th' case ye speak iv
+'twas justifiable homicide.  He had ast th' man to dhrink with
+him.  No, sir, I have examined his record carefully an' I find him
+fully equipped f'r anny emergency.  He niver misses.  He's th' man
+f'r th' place, th' quick dhrawin', readily passionate, hammerless
+gun firin' Terror iv th' Great Desert.'
+
+"But th' Sinit didn't approve iv him.  Th' sinitor fr'm Matsachoosetts,
+where human life is held so cheap that no wan thinks iv takin' it,
+pro-tested again' him, an' 'twas fin'lly discovered that early
+in his career he'd been caught runnin' off a bunch iv cows an'
+pushed into jail, an' that was too much f'r th' hon'rable body,
+hardly wan member iv which has iver been caught.  So they give
+Jake th' go-by.
+
+"But it'll come out all right in th' end.  Th' prisidint knows
+what th' West wants an' he 'll get it f'r thim.  Th' West is no
+effete community, where th' folks likes a quiet book-keepin' life,
+an early supper, a game iv cards, lock th' windy, wind th' clock
+an' so to bed.  That may do f'r th' East.  But in th' West, we
+demand Sthrenuse Life an' Sudden Death.  We're people out here on
+th' des'late plains where th' sun sets pink acrost th' gray desert
+an' th' scorpion clings to th' toe.  We don't want pianny tuners
+or plasther saints to govern us.  We want men who go to bed with
+their spurs on, an' can break a gun without spikin' their thumbs.
+We'll have thim too.  Undher precedin' administhrations, th' job
+wint to th' la-ads with no more qualifications thin is needed to
+run a dairy lunch.  Some iv th' bes' places in th' West is held
+be th' poorest shots, while men capable iv th' mos' sthrikin' gun
+plays is left to devote their talents to private functions.  An'
+they call that th' merit system! I expict th' time is near at hand
+whin justice will be done thim worthy citizens.  At prisint whin
+a man is needed f'r a govermint office, he is called on to set
+down with a sheet of pa-aper an' a pot iv ink an' say how manny
+times eight-an'-a-half will go into a line dhrawn fr'm th' base
+iv th' hypothenoose, an' if he makes th' answer bright an' readable,
+they give him a place administherin' th' affairs iv a proud people
+that cudden't tell a hypothenoose fr'm a sea-lion.  But whin things
+gets goin' right undher this administhration, th' civil sarvice
+commission consistin' iv th' Hon. Bill Cody, th' Hon. Texas Jack,
+an' th' Hon. Bat Masterson will put th' boys through an examination
+that'll bring out all there is in thim.   I'm preparin' a pa-aper
+f'r an examination iv candydates f'r sup'rintindint iv th'
+Smithsonyan Institoot:
+
+"1. Describe a round-up.
+
+"2. Name five iv th' best brands (a) cattle (b) whiskey, ye have
+used.
+
+"3. Afther makin' a cinch, is it proper f'r to always kick th'
+critter in th' stomach or on'y whin ye feel like it?
+
+"4. Undher what circumstances shud a Mexican not be shot, and if
+so, why?
+
+"5. How long shud a tinderfoot dance befure he is entitled to live?
+
+"6. Name eighty reasons f'r dhrawin' a gun.
+
+"7. State ye'er opinyion iv sheep men.
+
+"8. Write a brief account iv th' life an' death iv Billy th' Kid.
+
+"Iv coorse, Hinnissy, this is on'y a part iv th' exercise.  They'll
+be practical tests as well.  Th' iligible list'll be taken out
+into th' yard an' required to shoot at movin' an' stationary
+targets, at pedesthreens an' horsemen, fr'm th' pocket, fr'm th'
+hip, over th' shouldher, fr'm a window with a sawed-off shot gun,
+an' so on.  They'll be required to bust a buckin' bronc, cut out
+a steer fr'm th' herd without stampedin' th' rest, lassoo movin'
+objects an' give other exhibitions iv science.  An' th' la-ad
+that wins out'll have to defind his job again' all comers f'r a
+month.
+
+"I want to see this day.  We're a nation iv hayroes, an' none but
+hayroes shud enjye th' spoil.  Thin we'll read that th' Hon. Mike
+McCorker has been appinted Ambassadure to England: 'Mike is wan
+iv th' mos' detarmined statesmen between Rapid City an' Rawlins.
+His early life was spint in seclusion, owin' to a little diff'rence
+about a horse, but he had no sooner appeared in public life thin
+he made his mark on th' marshal iv Red Gulch.  He applied himsilf
+to his chosen career with such perseverance an' so thrue an aim
+that within two years he had risen to th' head iv his pro-fission,
+a position that he has since held without interruption excipt
+durin' th' peryod whin th' Hon. Grindle H. Gash shelled him f'r
+three days with a howitzer.  His remarkable night attack on that
+gallant but sleepy statesman will not soon be f'rgotten.  A great
+ovation will be given Bill whin he pulls his freight f'r th' coort
+iv Saint James.  Some iv th' boys is loadin' up f'r it already,
+an' near all th' Chinese has moved into th' hills.  Ambassadure
+Gash was a Rough Rider durin' th' late Cubian War.
+
+"'Th' appintment iv Judge Rufus Flush to be Chief Justice iv th'
+United States Supreeme Coort is hailed with delight be all citizens
+iv New Mexico.  Judge Flush is th' recognized authority on gun
+shot wounds an' lynch law in th' Southwest, besides bein' in private
+life a pretty handy man with knife or gun himsilf.  He was wan iv
+th' first men up San Joon Hill on th' mim'rable day.
+
+"'Th' sicrety iv state was visited yisterdah be throop B iv th'
+Rough Riders, includin' th' sicrety iv th' threesury, th' postmasther
+gin'ral, nine disthrick judges, forty postmasthers, an' wan hundherd
+an' eight collictors iv intarnal rivinoo.  Th' conversation was
+informal, but it is undhershtud that th' advisability iv an excursion
+to Boston to shoot up th' anti-impeeryalist saloons was discussed.
+Th' prisidint dhropped in durin' th' conference an' greeted all
+prisint be their first name, which is Bill.  There was some
+good-natured chaff as to which iv th' gintlemen was first at th'
+top iv San Joon Hill befure th' meetin' broke up.  Th' postmasther
+gin'ral is sufferin' fr'm a slight knife wound.'"
+
+"Ar-re all th' people West iv th' park shootin' men?" asked Mr.
+Hennessy timidly.
+
+"I think so," said Mr. Dooley, "but a man that's been out there
+tells me not.  He says annywan but an Englishman cud go fr'm wan
+end iv th' West to th' other without carryin' a gun, an' that
+people that kill each other are not considhered rayspictable in
+Tucson anny more thin they wud be in Eysther Bay, but that they
+are mostly dhrunk men an' th' like iv that.  Th' towns, he says,
+is run be fellows that sell ribbons, milk, yeast, spool thread an'
+pills an' pull teeth an' argye little foolish law suits, just as
+th' towns down here are run, an' th' bad men are more afraid iv
+thim thin they are iv each other.  He says there are things doin'
+out West that niver get into th' dime novels, an' that whin people
+lose their lives they do it more often in a saw mill or a smelter
+thin in a dance hail.  He says so but I don't believe him."
+
+"I suppose," said Mr. Hennessy, "a man iv me peaceable disposition
+wud niver get a job."
+
+"Make a repytation," said Mr. Dooley.  "Buy a gun."
+
+
+
+
+European Intervention
+
+
+
+"Th' question befure th' house is," said Mr. Dooley, "which wan
+iv th' Euro-peen powers done mos' f'r us in th' Spanish war."
+
+"I thought they were all again' us," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"So did I," said Mr. Dooley, "but I done thim an injustice.  I was
+crool to thim crowned heads.  If it hadn't been f'r some wan power,
+an' I can't make out which it was, th' Cubians to-day wud be
+opprissed be th' Casteel instead iv th' Beet Sugar Thrust an' th'
+Filipinos'd be shot be Mausers instead iv Krag-Jorgensens.  Some
+wan power sthretched out its hand an' said, 'No.  No,' it said,
+'thus far but no farther.  We will not permit this misguided but
+warrum-hearted little people to be crushed be th' ruffyan power
+iv Spain,' it said.  'Niver,' it said, 'shall histhry record that
+th' United States iv America, nestlin' there in its cosy raypublic
+fr'm th' Atlantic to th'Passyfic, was desthroyed an' th' hurtage
+iv liberty that they robbed fr'm us wasted because we did not give
+thim support,' it says.  An' so whin th' future looked darkest,
+whin we didn't know whether th' war wud last eight or be prolonged
+f'r tin weary, thragic minyits, whin it seemed as though th' Spanish
+fleet wud not sink unless shot at, some kindly power was silently
+comfortin' us an' sayin' to itsilf: 'I do so hope they'll win, if
+they can.' But I don't know which wan it was.
+
+"At first I thought it was England.  Whiniver ye hear iv anny
+counthry helpin' us, ye think it is England.  That's because England
+has helped us so much in th' past.  Says Lord Cranburne in reply
+to a question in th' House iv Commons: 'I am reluctantly foorced
+be mesilf to blushin'ly admit that but f'r us, people on their way
+to China to-day wud be gettin' up an' lookin' over th' side iv
+th' ship an' sayin', "This is where America used to be." Whin war
+was first discussed, mesilf an' th' rest iv th' fam'ly met an'
+decided that unless prompt action was took, our cousins an'
+invistmints acrost th' sea wud be damaged beyond repair, so we
+cabled our ambassadure to go at wanst to th' White House an' inform
+th' prisidint that we wud regard th' war as a crool blot on
+civilization an' an offinse to th' intillygince iv mankind.  I am
+glad to say our inthervintion was iffycacious.  War was immeedjately
+declared.  I will not tell ye how high our hearts beat as we
+r-read th' news fr'm day to day.  Ye know.  I will on'y say that
+we insthructed our ambassadure to do ivrything in his power to
+help our kinsmen an' he faithfully ixicuted his ordhers.  He
+practically lived at th' White House durin' th' thryin' peeryod,
+an' his advice to th' prisidint such as: "If ye go on with this
+binnyficint war th' United Powers will knock ye'er head off," or
+"I think I can secure fav'rable terms fr'm th' Powers if ye will
+abdicate in favor iv a riprisintative iv th' house iv Bourbon an'
+cede New England to Spain," done more thin annything else to put
+heart into th' American foorces.  I will add that durin' this time
+we was approached be an ambassadure iv wan iv th' powers who ast
+us to inthervene.  I will not say which power it was, excipt that
+it was Austhrya-Hungary an' I'm previnted be th' obligations iv me
+office fr'm mintionin' what powers was behind th' move beyond
+hintin' that they was as follows: Germany, France, Rooshya, It'ly,
+China, Turkey, Monaco, San Marino, Boolgahrya, Montinaygro,
+Booloochistan an' Pershya.  Pah's reply to th' ambassadure was:
+"I will do all I can" as he kicked him down stairs.  It ill becomes
+me to say what else we done f'r that home iv freedom--an' hiven
+knows I wisht it'd stay there an' not be wandherin' over th' face
+iv th' wurruld--but I'm not proud iv me looks an' I will remark
+that Tiddy Rosenfelt was capably directed be th' iditors iv England,
+thim hearts iv oak, that th' American navy was advised be our mos'
+inargetic corryspondints an' that, to make th' raysult certain, we
+lint a few British gin'rals to th' Spanish.  Cud frindship go
+farther? As they say in America: "I reckon, be gosh, not."'
+
+"Well, whin I read this speech I was prepared to hang th' medal
+f'r savin' life on th' breasts iv th' hands acrost th' sea where
+there's always plinty iv hooks f'r medals.  But th' nex' day, I
+picks up th' pa-aper an' sees that 'twas not England done it but
+Germany.  Yes, sir, 'twas Germany.  Germany was our on'y frind.
+They was a time whin it looked as though she was goin' to shoot
+at us to keep us fr'm th' consequences iv our rash act.  They'se
+nawthin' Germany wudden't do for or to a frind.  Yes, it was Germany.
+But it was France, too.  La Belle France was there with a wurrud iv
+encouragemint an' a glance iv affection out iv her dark eyes that
+kep' growin' darker as th' war proceeded.  An' it was Rooshya.
+Whin th' Czar heerd iv th' war, th' first thing he said was: 'I'm
+so sorry.  Who is th' United States?' 'An' 'twas It'ly an'
+Booloochistan an' Boolgahrya an' even Spain.  Spain was our frind
+till th' war was over.  Thin she rounded on us an' sold us th'
+Ph'lippines.
+
+"They was all our frinds an' yet on'y wan iv thim was our frind.
+How d'ye make it out, Hinnissy? Hogan has a sayin' that onaisy
+lies th' head that wears a crown, but it seems to be as aisy f'r
+some iv thim as f'r th' mos' dimmycratic American.  But whoiver
+it was that saved us I'm thankful to thim.  It won't do f'r ye to
+look at th' map an' say that th' pow'rful protictin' nation wud
+be hardly big enough f'r a watch charm f'r a man fr'm Texas, or
+that Europeen assistance f'r America is about as useful as a crutch
+f'r a foot-runner.  But f'r th' inthervention iv our unknown frind,
+we'd've been annihilated.  Th' powers wud've got together an' they
+wud've sint over a fleet that wud've been turrble if it didn't
+blow up an' th' crews didn't get sea-sick.  They wud've sint an
+irresistible ar-rmy; an' fin'ly if all else failed, they wud
+rayfuse food.  That's goin' to be th' unsixpicted blow iv anny war
+that th' parishes iv Europe wages again' us.  They will decline
+to eat.  They will turn back our wheat an' pork an' short rib
+sides.  They'll starve us out.  If left to their own resoorces,
+Europe cud outstarve America in a month."
+
+"I'm not afraid iv thim," said Mr. Hennessy.  "Whin I was a young
+man, I cud take a runnin' jump acrost Germany or France, an' as
+f'r England we'd hardly thrip over it in th' dark."
+
+"Perhaps ye're right," said Mr. Dooley.  "But if all thim gr-reat
+powers, as they say thimsilves, was f'r to attack us, d'ye know
+what I'd do? I'll tell ye.  I'd blockade Armour an' Comp'ny an'
+th' wheat ilivators iv Minnysoty.  F'r, Hinnissy, I tell ye, th'
+hand that rocks th' scales in th' grocery store, is th' hand that
+rules th' wurruld."
+
+
+
+
+The Philippine Peace
+
+
+
+"'Tis sthrange we don't hear much talk about th' Ph'lippeens," said
+Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Ye ought to go to Boston," said Mr. Dooley.  "They talk about it
+there in their sleep.  Th' raison it's not discussed annywhere
+else is that ivrything is perfectly quiet there.  We don't talk
+about Ohio or Ioway or anny iv our other possissions because they'se
+nawthin' doin' in thim parts.  Th' people ar-re goin' ahead,
+garnerin' th' products iv th' sile, sindin' their childher to
+school, worshipin' on Sundah in th' churches an' thankin' Hiven
+f'r th' blessin's iv free govermint an' th' pro-tiction iv th'
+flag above thim.
+
+"So it is in th' Phi'lippeens.  I know, f'r me frind Gov'nor Taft
+says so, an' they'se a man that undherstands con-tintmint whin
+he sees it.  Ye can't thrust th' fellows that comes back fr'm th'
+jools iv th' Passyfic an' tells ye that things ar-re no betther
+thin they shud be undher th' shade iv th' cocoanut palm be th'
+blue wathers iv th' still lagoon.  They mus' be satisfied with our
+rule.  A man that isn't satisfied whin he's had enough is a glutton.
+They're satisfied an' happy an' slowly but surely they're acquirin'
+that love f'r th' govermint that floats over thim that will make
+thim good citizens without a vote or a right to thrile be jury.
+I know it.  Guv'nor Taft says so.
+
+"Says he: 'Th' Ph'lippeens as ye have been tol' be me young but
+speechful frind, Sinitor Bivridge, who was down there f'r tin
+minyits wanst an' spoke very highly an' at some lenth on th'
+beauties iv th' scenery, th' Ph'lippeens is wan or more iv th'
+beautiful jools in th' diadem iv our fair nation.  Formerly our
+fair nation didn't care f'r jools, but done up her hair with side
+combs, but she's been abroad some since an' she come back with
+beautiful reddish goolden hair that a tiara looks well in an' that
+is betther f'r havin' a tiara.  She is not as young as she was.
+Th' simple home-lovin' maiden that our fathers knew has disappeared
+an' in her place we find a Columbya, gintlemen, with machurer
+charms, a knowledge iv Euro-peen customs an' not averse to a
+cigareet.  So we have pinned in her fair hair a diadem that sets
+off her beauty to advantage an' holds on th' front iv th' hair,
+an' th' mos' lovely pearl in this ornymint is thim sunny little
+isles iv th' Passyfic.  They are almost too sunny f'r me.  I had
+to come away.
+
+"'To shift me language suddintly fr'm th' joolry counther an' th'
+boodore, I will say that nawthin' that has been said even be th'
+gifted an' scholarly sinitor, who so worthily fills part iv th'
+place wanst crowded be Hendricks an' McDonald, does justice to th'
+richness iv thim islands.  They raise unknown quantities iv produce,
+none iv which forchnitly can come into this counthry.  All th'
+riches iv Cathay, all th' wealth iv Ind, as Hogan says, wud look
+like a second morgedge on an Apache wickeyup compared with th'
+untold an' almost unmintionable products iv that gloryous domain.
+Me business kept me in Manila or I wud tell ye what they are.
+Besides some iv our lile subjects is gettin' to be good shots an'
+I didn't go down there f'r that purpose.
+
+"'I turn to th' climate.  It is simply hivenly.  No other wurrud
+describes it.  A white man who goes there seldom rayturns unless
+th' bereaved fam'ly insists.  It is jus' right.  In winter enough
+rain, in summer plinty iv heat.  Gin'rally speakin' whin that
+thropical sky starts rainin' it doesn't stop till it's impty, so
+th' counthry is not subjected to th' sudden changes that afflict
+more northerly climes.  Whin it rains it rains; whin it shines it
+shines.  Th' wather frequently remains in th' air afther th' sun
+has been shinin' a month or more, th' earth bein' a little overcrowded
+with juice an' this gives th' atmosphere a certain cosiness that
+is indescribable.  A light green mould grows on th' clothes an'
+is very becomin'.  I met a man on th' boat comin' back who said
+'twas th' finest winter climate in th' wurruld.  He was be
+profission a rubber in a Turkish bath.  As f'r th' summers they
+are delicious.  Th' sun doesn't sit aloft above th' jools iv th'
+Passyfic.  It comes down an' mingles with th' people.  Ye have
+heard it said th' isles was kissed be th' sun.  Perhaps bitten wud
+be a betther wurrud.  But th' timprachoor is frequently modified
+be an eruption iv th' neighborin' volcanoes an' th' inthraduction
+iv American stoves.  At night a coolin' breeze fr'm th' crather
+iv a volcano makes sleep possible in a hammock swung in th' ice-box.
+It is also very pleasant to be able to cuk wan's dinner within wan.
+
+"'Passin' to th' pollytical situation, I will say it is good.  Not
+perhaps as good as ye'ers or mine, but good.  Ivry wanst in a while
+whin I think iv it, an iliction is held.  Unforchnitly it usually
+happens that those ilicted have not yet surrindhered.  In th'
+Ph'lippeens th' office seeks th' man, but as he is also pursooed
+be th' sojery, it is not always aisy to catch him an' fit it on
+him.  Th' counthry may he divided into two parts, pollytically,
+--where th' insurrection continues an' where it will soon be.  Th'
+brave but I fear not altogether cheery army conthrols th' insurrected
+parts be martiyal law, but th' civil authorities are supreme in
+their own house.  Th' diff'rence between civil law an' martiyal
+law in th' Ph'lippeens is what kind iv coat th' judge wears.  Th'
+raysult is much th' same.  Th' two branches wurruks in perfect
+harmony.  We bag thim in th' city an' they round thim up in th'
+counthry.
+
+"'It is not always nicessry to kill a Filipino American right away.
+Me desire is to idjacate thim slowly in th' ways an' customs iv
+th' counthry.  We ar-re givin' hundherds iv these pore benighted
+haythen th' well-known, ol'-fashioned American wather cure.  Iv
+coorse, ye know how 'tis done.  A Filipino, we'll say, niver heerd
+iv th' histhry iv this counthry.  He is met be wan iv our sturdy
+boys in black an' blue iv th' Macabebee scouts who asts him to
+cheer f'r Abraham Lincoln.  He rayfuses.  He is thin placed upon
+th' grass an' given a dhrink, a baynit bein' fixed in his mouth
+so he cannot rejict th' hospitality.  Undher th' inflooence iv
+th' hose that cheers but does not inebriate, he soon warrums or
+perhaps I might say swells up to a ralization iv th' granjoor iv
+his adoptive counthry.  One gallon makes him give three groans f'r
+th' constitchoochion.  At four gallons, he will ask to be wrapped
+in th' flag.  At th' dew pint he sings Yankee Doodle.  Occasionally
+we run acrost a stubborn an' rebellyous man who wud sthrain at me
+idee iv human rights an' swallow th' Passyfic Ocean, but I mus'
+say mos' iv these little fellows is less hollow in their pretintions.
+Nachrally we have had to take a good manny customs fr'm th'
+Spanyard, but we have improved on thim.  I was talkin' with a
+Spanish gintleman th' other day who had been away f'r a long time
+an' he said he wudden't know th' counthry.  Even th' faces iv th'
+people on th' sthreets had changed.  They seemed glad to see him.
+Among th' mos' useful Spanish customs is reconcenthration.  Our
+reconcenthration camps is among th' mos' thickly popylated in th'
+wurruld.  But still we have to rely mainly on American methods.
+They are always used fin'lly in th' makin' iv a good citizen, th'
+garotte sildom.
+
+"'I have not considhered it advisable to inthrajooce anny fads
+like thrile be jury iv ye'er peers into me administhration.  Plain
+sthraight-forward dealin's is me motto.  A Filipino at his best
+has on'y larned half th' jooty iv mankind.  He can be thried but
+he can't thry his fellow man.  It takes him too long.  But in time
+I hope to have thim thrained to a pint where they can be good men
+an' thrue at th' inquest.
+
+"'I hope I have tol' ye enough to show ye that th' stories iv
+disordher is greatly exaggerated.  Th' counthry is pro-gressin'
+splindidly, th' ocean still laps th' shore, th' mountains are there
+as they were in Bivridge's day, quite happy apparently; th' flag
+floats free an' well guarded over th' govermint offices, an' th'
+cherry people go an' come on their errands--go out alone an' come
+back with th' throops.  Ivrywhere happiness, contint, love iv th'
+shtep-mother counthry, excipt in places where there ar-re people.
+Gintlemen, I thank ye.'
+
+"An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy.  I hope this here lucid story
+will quite th' waggin' tongues iv scandal an' that people will let
+th' Ph'lippeens stew in their own happiness."
+
+"But sure they ought do something f'r thim," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"They will," said Mr. Dooley.  " They'll give thim a measure iv
+freedom."
+
+"But whin?"
+
+"Whin they'll sthand still long enough to be measured," said Mr.
+Dooley.
+
+
+
+
+Soldier and Policeman
+
+
+
+"Th' life iv a sojer though gloryous is hard," said Mr. Dooley.
+"Here's me frind, Gin'ral Fustian, wan iv th' gallantest men that
+has come out iv Kansas since Stormy Jordan's day, has been called
+down f'r on'y suggistin' that Sinitor Hoar an' th' rest iv thim
+be hanged be th' heels.  I'm with th' gallant gin'ral mesilf.  I'm
+not sure but he'd like to hang me, though as ye know, me opinyions
+on th' Ph'lippeens is varyous an' I don't give a dam ayether way.
+If he runs me to earth I on'y ast him as a fellow pathrite that
+he won't give me th' wather cure.  Th' very thought iv it makes
+me flesh creep.
+
+"But th' prisidint called him down.  Afther th' publication iv th'
+fifteenth speech whin ivry colledge pro-fissor in this broad an'
+fair land was undher sintince iv death fr'm th' gin'ral, th'
+prisidint wrote to him sayin': 'Dear Fred: Me attintion has been
+called to ye'er pathriotic utthrances in favor iv fryin' Edward
+Atkinson on his own cuk shtove.  I am informed be me advisers that
+it can't be done.  It won't fry beans.  So I am compilled be th'
+reg'lations iv war to give ye a good slap.  How ar-re ye, ol'
+commerade-in-arms? Ye ought to 've seen me on th' top iv San Joon
+hill.  Oh, that was th' day! Iver, me dear Fred, reprovingly but
+lovingly, T. Rosenfelt, late colonel First United States Volunteers
+Calv'ry, betther known as th' Rough Riders, an' ex-officio prisidint
+iv th' United States.' That was wan f'r Fred.  I wisht th' same
+cud be handed to Gin'ral Miles.  Ivry time he opins his mouth, if
+'tis on'y to say 'tis a fine day--which I must say is seldom--all
+they do to him is to break his back.
+
+"'Tis a hard life, a sojer's, but a gloryous wan.  I wisht me
+father had enthered me f'r a martial career instead iv tachin' me
+be precipt an' example to be quick on me feet.  In these days whin
+a man gets to be a gin'ral because he's been a long time a doctor
+or because he's supprissed a naygur rite, 'tis me that wud go
+boundin' up to th' top iv th' laddher.
+
+"'Janooary wan, Private Dooley distinguished himsilf at th' Battle
+iv Ogoowan in th' island iv Samar be rushin' out in a perfect hell
+iv putty-balls, rice, arrers, an' harsh cries, an' seizin' th'
+gin'ral iv th' Tamalese an' batin' him over th' head with his own
+bean-blower.
+
+"'Janooary twinty: Colonel Dooley iv th' hunderth an' eighth
+Macabebee scouts yisterdah administhered th' best an' muddyest
+part iv th' Gingong river to Gin'ral Alfico Bim in th' prisince
+iv a large an' smilin' audjeence.  Th' ribil had rayfused to
+communicate his plans to th' gallant colonel, but afther he had
+had sufficient irrigation his conversation was more extinded.  So
+was th' gin'ral.
+
+"'Feb'ry eighth: Gin'ral Dooley, th' hayro iv th' Ph'lippeens who
+is at home with a large spleen which he got into him in our beautiful
+island possissions made a speech before th' Locoed club las' night.
+He said we shud niver give up th' Ph'lippeens which had been
+wathered be some iv th best blood in our land--he might say all.
+He didn't know much about th' constichoochion, but fr'm what he
+heerd about it fr'm a man in his rig'mint who cud spell, it wasn't
+intinded f'r use out iv coort.  He thought no wan shud be ilicted
+to congress undher th' rank iv major.  There was much talk iv
+pro-gress in lithrachoor an' science which he was in favor iv
+hangin'.  All th' army needed was rope enough an' all wud be well.
+Th' Supreme Coort was all right but if ye wanted justice hot out
+iv th' oven, ye shud see it administhered be three or four laughin'
+sub-alturns on th' stumps iv threes, jus' afther lunch.
+
+"'March eighth: Prisidint Dooley, chafin' at th' delay in th' Sinit
+requirin' all civilyans to submit their opinyons on th' tariff to
+th' neighborin' raycruitin' sergeant wanst a week, wint over to
+th' capitol this mornin' with a file iv sojers an' arristed th'
+anti-administhration foorces who are now locked up in th' barn
+back iv th' White House.  Th' prisidint was severely lacerated be
+Sinitor Tillman durin' th' encounther.'
+
+"Yes, sir, I'd like to be a sojer.  I want to be a military man.
+An' yet I niver wanted to be a polisman.  'Tis sthrange, too, f'r
+if ye think it over they ain't th' lot iv diff'rence between th'
+mos' ordhinry, flat-footed elbow that iver pulled wan leg afther
+another to mornin' roll-call an' th' gr-reatest gin'ral that
+iver wint through a war behind a band on horse.  They both belong
+to th' race iv round-headed men.  Whin ye lenthen th' head iv a
+man or dog, ye rayjooce his courage.  That's thrue iv all but th'
+bull-tarryer an' th' Turk.  Both iv thim fight like th' divvle.
+Th' jooties is much th' same but th' polisman's is harder.  Th'
+polisman has to fight night an' day but th' sojer on'y wanst a
+month.  A man's got to be five foot nine to get on th' foorce.
+He can be five foot eight an' get into th' army through West Pint,
+or three foot two an' get in through th' War Department.  Didn't
+Mike Gilligan take more chances whin he wint up to th' patch where
+Red Starkey was holdin' th' fort with a Krupp gun an' took him be
+th' hand an' pivoted with him out iv a window, thin me frind
+Fearless Freddy win he assumed false whiskers, pretinded to be a
+naygur an' stole little Aggynaldoo out iv his flat? Ye wudden't
+expict a pathrolman to be promoted to be sergeant f'r kidnapin'
+an organ-grinder, wud ye? An' Gilligan didn't ask f'r lave iv
+absence an' go down town to th' Union Lague Club an' tell th'
+assembled mannyfactherers iv axle-grease what ought to be done
+with th' wather taxes.  No, sir! What happened to Gilligan was at
+roll-call th' nex' mornin' th' Loot says: 'Officer Gilligan, in
+capturin' Starkey, ye reflicted gr-reat credit on this precinct
+an' ye'er own bringin' up.  But I want ye to know, officer, that
+this important arrist is no excuse f'r ye goin' out an' loadin'
+ye'ersilf to th' joo-pint with Hannigan's paint.  Th' nex' time
+ye miss pullin' ye'er box, I'll have ye up befure th' thrile boord.
+Put that in ye'er pipe an' smoke it, Mike Gilligan.' An' Gilligan
+blushed.
+
+"No, sir, between th' two, th' polisman's life's th' hard wan.
+He can't rethreat f'r reinfoorcemints or surrindher with all th'
+honors iv war.  If he surrindhers, he's kilt an' if he rethreats,
+his buttons comes off.  He gets no soord fr'm Congress whin he
+brings in Starkey be th' burnin' hair iv his head.  If he's promoted
+to sergeant, he's sure to be bounced be th' first rayform
+administhration.  He takes his ordhers, carries his stick iv timber
+up hill an' down dale undher th' gleamin' stars, has nawthin' to
+say but 'Move on there, now,' an' if his foot slips another
+round-headed man pushes him into a cell an' a impartyal jury iv men
+that's had throuble with th' polis befure convicts him heartily.
+
+"Now, suppose Gilligan's father whin he was young had looked him
+over an' said: 'Agathy, Michael's head is per-fictly round.
+It's like a baseball.  'Tis so pecoolyar.  An' he has a fightin'
+face.  'Tis no good thryin' to tache him a thrade.  Let's make a
+sojer iv him.' An' he wint into th' army.  If he'd done there what
+he's done in th' patch, 'tis Gin'ral Gilligan he'd be be this
+time--Gin'ral Gilligan stormin' th' heights iv San Joon Hill;
+Gin'ral Mike Gilligan suspindin' th' haveas corpus in th' Ph'lippeens
+an' th' anti-impeeryalists at home; Gin'ral Mike Gilligan capturin'
+Aggynaldoo, an' he'd do it with bare hands an' without th' aid iv
+a mustache; Gin'ral Mike Gilligan abolishin' th' third reader;
+Gin'ral Mike Gilligan discoorsin' to th' public on 'Books I have
+niver read: Series wan, th' Histhry iv th' United States.' If his
+foot slips an' he grows a little cross with a pris'ner iv war on
+th' way to th' station an' dhrops his soord or his club on th' top
+iv him, is he up befure th' judge an' thried be a jury iv his peers?
+Officer Mike, yes; Gin'ral Mike, no.  Gin'ral Mike has no peers.
+He raceives a letther notifyin' him that he has broken a human
+skull divine an' th' reg'lations iv th' army an' must be thried.
+'Who will me brave frind have go through with this here austere
+but hail-fellow inquiry?' 'Oh, annywan will do.  Anny iv th'
+gallant lift'nants iv me brigade will do,' says Gin'ral Mike.  So
+th' Gin'ral is put on thrile an' a frind iv his addhresses th'
+coort.  'Gintlemen,' says he, 'th' question befure th' coort is
+not so much did our gallant leader hammer th' coon as whether our
+flag wanst stuck up where we have wathered so many precious citizens
+shall iver come down.  (Th' coort: 'No, no!') That's th' pint.
+What do th' people at home who know nawthin' about this here war,
+excipt what we tell thim, what do they mane be subjectin' this
+here hayro, gray an' bent with infirmities but pretty spry at that,
+to this ignominy? He has fought f'r thim an' what have they done
+f'r him? In more thin wan year he has on'y risen fr'm th' rank iv
+captain to brigadier gin'ral an' his pay is less thin twinty times
+what it was.  (Here th' coort weeps.) I ast ye, I ast ye, ye fine
+little boys, is it meet an' proper, nay, is it meat an' dhrink f'r
+us, to punish him?'
+
+"An' th' coort puts th' vardict iv acquittal in th' shape iv th'
+pop'lar song 'F'r he's a jolly good fellow' an' adds a ricommindation
+that Harvard colledge is gettin' too gay annyhow.
+
+"That's th' diff'rence between sojer an' polisman.  Why is it that
+th' fair sect wudden't be seen talkin' to a polisman, but if ye
+say 'Sojer' to thim, they're all out iv th' window but th' feet?
+I want to know."
+
+"I can't tell," said Mr. Hennessy.  "I heerd a frind iv Willum J.
+Bryan say we was in danger iv havin' thim run th' counthry like
+they do in--in Germany, d'ye mind."
+
+"Niver fear," said Mr. Dooley.  "There's too manny Gilligans not
+in th' ar-rmy f'r that."
+
+
+
+
+King Edward's Coronation
+
+
+
+"Now that th' king iv Great Britain an' Ireland, but Ireland don't
+know it, an' th' Dominyons beyond th' sea, f'r awhile, has been
+cawrnated," said Mr. Dooley, "we can raysume where we left off."
+
+"So it has been done at last, has it?" said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Yes," said Mr. Dooley, "in th' prisince iv th' mos' illusthrees
+iv his subjects, except me frind Whitelaw Reid, he was cawrnated
+las' Saturdah.  'Tis too bad it was put off.  'Twas got up, d'ye
+mind, f'r th' thrue an' staunch subjects on this side iv th' wather.
+Th' king didn't need it.  He's been king all th' time.  A lot iv
+us knew it.  All he had to do anny time was to take his caubeen
+fr'm th' rack, but his subjects fr'm beyond th' sea wanted to see
+a cawrnation, an' they cudden't convaniently have wan here where
+th' counthry is still run be univarsal suffering an' there are a
+good manny shootin' gall'ries, an' annyhow he thought he'd like
+to keep on good terms with th' Captains iv Industhry f'r fear they
+might get mad an' put his furniture out into th' channel an' use
+th' island f'r storin' ex-prisidints.  So he got up th' cawrnation.
+An' afther all, most iv thim didn't see it.  They had to come
+home here where they were born an' lave th' land where they expict
+to die an' will, too, if they an' us have luck.
+
+"But 'twas a gorgyous spicticle annyhow, Hinnissy.  F'r weeks an'
+weeks some iv th' finest minds in Europe has been debatin' whether
+th' king shud stand on th' Earl iv Whinkie or th' markess iv
+Ballyhoo durin' th' ceremony.  It was decided that th' honor shud
+go to th' noble earl, but that it was th' privilege iv th' noble
+markess that his majesty shud put his feet on his back whin he set
+down.  Th' king ain't supposed to do annything f'r himsilf but go
+up an' be cawrnated.  At ivry turn they must be a jook or somebody
+akelly as good to pull his tie sthraight, hand him his gloves, an'
+haul his coat down whin it gets up over th' collar.  An' ivrybody
+cudden't do it, mind ye.  It had to be done be th' right party,
+whose folks had done it f'r other kings.  I've been readin' about
+it an' I've come to th' con-clusion, Hinnissy, that th' Scotch
+nobility is mos'ly dayscinded fr'm tailors.
+
+"Annyhow, these here mighty questions was all decided accoordin'
+to th' rules iv th' game, whin wan day I read in th' pa-aper: 'Th'
+king dines with Wall sthreet magnates.  Jools missin' fr'm th'
+crown.' Ye see, th' hat had not been out f'r a long time an' whin
+they come to get it fr'm th' box, 'twas found that manny iv th'
+vallyable gems in th' band was missin'.  I don't know whether 'tis
+thrue or not, but 'tis said that th' ancesthors iv th' prisint
+king, bein' hard up, was used to pick a jool out iv th' hat iv a
+Saturdah night an' go down to Mose at th' corner an' get something
+on it.  An' whin times was slack an' th' ponies backward, they
+cudden't get th' jools out, so they cut a piece fr'm th' window
+an' pasted it in.  It looked f'r awhile as though th' king wud
+have to be cawrnated be a glazier.  They cudden't find th' tickets
+high or low.  It wudden't do to cawrnate him in a glass hat, an'
+there was gr-reat thribylations, but Pierpont Morgan come along at
+th' right moment an' give thim a handful iv his unimportant jools
+an' th' hat was properly decorated.  Fr'm that time on we saw that
+if we were to get th' worth iv our money, we'd have to do th' job
+oursilves, an' ivrybody turned in to help our depindant cousins.
+Andhrew Carnaygie lint Wistminsther Abbey which was superbly
+dicorated with tapestries lint be J. Pierpont Morgan; Yerkes lint
+thim th' sthreets; Frohman th' theatres; th' American syndicate
+give thim th' use iv th' river, an' a hundherd thousand lile
+American hearts an' lungs lint thim a pathriotic howl that made
+th' king jump ivry time he heerd it.
+
+"An' th' American duchesses! Were they there? Look in th' pa-apers.
+I sometimes wondher whin I read th' palajeems iv our liberties
+whether an English nobleman iver marries at home.  Is it a law
+that prevints thim fr'm marryin' thim fresh-faced, clear-eyed
+daughters iv ol' Albion or is it fear? Annyhow, th' American
+duchesses is about all there is to it in London.  They were at th'
+cawrnation, ye bet.  They were th' cawrnation.  They bore th'
+thrain iv th' queen.  No wan can lift a thrain betther or higher
+thin a free-born American lady.  At th' side iv her majesty walked
+th' beautiful Duchess iv Binkie-whistle, born Lucy hicks iv Dobbs
+Ferry.  Th' Duchess' father an' mother come over las' week with
+their respictive fam'lies, an' it is undhershtud that wan iv th'
+happiest ivints iv th' whole glad cawrnation season was th'
+determination iv Ma Hicks to devote her alimony intire to rebuildin'
+th' ancesthral mansion iv th' jook.  Pa Hicks, not to be outdone,
+announced that he wud add th' rent derived fr'm th' ancesthral
+mansion iv th' duchess, which is now used as a livery stable.
+
+"An' so th' gr-reat ivint come off.  I won't describe it to ye.
+It's been done betther thin I cud do it be a fearless press.  Ye
+know ye'ersilf how th' pro-cission winded its way through th'
+sthreets; how Wistminsther Abbey was crowded with peers an'
+peeresses, an' what a mighty shout wint up fr'm Willum Waldorf
+Astor whin he come in an' sat on his hat near th' dure.  It was
+all right.  First come th' prelates backin' to'rd th' althar.
+Thin all th' jooks bowin' low.  Thin th' queen, attinded be a bevy
+iv American duchesses.  Thin th' king lookin' ivry inch a
+king--sixty-four be sixty-two in all.  Thin th' Rile Shoes, th'
+Rile Socks, th' Rile Collar an' Cuffs, an' th' Rile Hat borne be
+th' hereditary Sockbearers, Shoesters, Collariferios, an' th' High
+an' Magnificint Lid-Lord (in chains).  Suddenly all is silent.  A
+hush falls on th' assimblage, broken on'y be a low, sad cry.
+Willum Waldorf Astor has fainted.
+
+"An' so, says th' pa-aper, in th' prisince iv th' mighty dead an'
+th' mighty near dead, among th' surroundings that recalled th'
+days iv shivaree an' in an atmosphere full iv aristocratic
+assocyations, on account iv th' vintilation bein' poor, Albert
+Edward Ernest Pathrick Arthur, king, definder iv th' faith, put
+on his hat.  Th' organ pealed off a solemn peal, th' cannons boomed,
+th' duchesses et hard-biled eggs out iv a paper bag, an' a pale
+man in silk tights wept over th' tomb iv Major Andhre.  It was
+Joseph Chote.  That night all Great Britain rejoiced, fr'm wan
+end iv Ireland to th' other th' lile popylace showed their joy
+an' th' sky was lit up be hundherds iv burnin' barns an' a salute
+iv forty-four guns was fired in th' County Kerry at a landlord's
+agent comin' home fr'm a ball.
+
+"I hope he'll make a good king.  I ain't so much down on kings as
+I used to be, Hinnissy.  I ain't down on thim anny more because I
+don't invy thim, an' ye can't be down on anny man ye don't invy.
+'Tis a hard job an' a thankless wan.  A king nowadays is no more
+thin a hitchin' post f'r wan pollytician afther another.  He ain't
+allowed to move himsilf, but anny crazy pollytician that ties up
+to him is apt to pull him out be th' roots.  He niver has anny
+childhood.  He's like th' breaker-boys in th' mines; he's put to
+wurruk larnin' his thrade as soon as he can walk.  Whin it comes
+time f'r him to marry, th' prime ministher takes him out wan day
+an' says: 'There's th' on'y woman in th' wurruld f'r ye.' 'But I
+niver see her befure,' says th' unforchnit king.  'Ye'll see less
+iv her afther nex' week,' says th' prime ministher.  'Ye're goin'
+to marry her,' he says.  An' he backs him up to th' bench where
+th' young lady sets an' inthrajooces thim an' they're marrid.
+Think iv havin' th' boord iv aidhermen silict a wife f'r ye an'
+ye'll know how th' king feels whin a warrant is sarved again' him
+to hook up with his cousin Agoosta Ann, a German lady who freckles
+aisily an' croshays neckties f'r a lift'nant in th' army.  All his
+life long a king is bossed about like a hired girl in a boardin'
+house, an' he can't aven die without havin' a lot iv people runnin'
+in ivry tin minyits to ask has he done it yet so they can be on
+th' mark to holler 'God save th' king' out iv th' front window th'
+moment th' flag falls.  No, sir; I don't want to be a king an'
+whiniver I see a good fellow takin' th' job, I feel sorry f'r him.
+I know what he is up again'."
+
+"I believe ye're no betther thin th' rest iv thim thraitors," said
+Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"I'm diff'rent," said Mr. Dooley, calmly.  "They helped him in an'
+I'd do annything in me power, now that he is king, to help him out."
+
+
+
+
+One Advantage of Poverty
+
+
+
+"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "ye ought to be glad ye're not sick
+an' illusthrees at th' same time."
+
+"How's that?" Mr. Hennessy demanded.
+
+"Well, ye see," said Mr. Dooley, "suppose annything happens to ye
+now; a fellow counthryman dhrops a hammer on ye th' day afther th'
+picnic or ye'er di-gestion listens to a walkin' dillygate fr'm th'
+Union iv Microbes an' goes out on sthrike.  Th' polisman on th'
+corner has th' usual suspicions among gintlemen an' hits ye over
+th' head an' calls th' wagon an' sinds ye home.  Th' good woman
+wrings her hands an' calls Hiven to witness that if ye have a
+toothache ye wake th' neighborhood, an' slaps a mustard plasther
+on ye.  If she comes back later an' finds ye haven't put th' sheet
+between ye an' th' plasther an' gone to sleep, she knows 'tis
+seeryous an' sinds f'r th' doctor.  We continyoo to have doctors
+in what th' pa-apers calls th' outlyin' wards.  They live above
+th' dhrug-store an' practice midicine on us.  Th' physicians an'
+surgeons are all down town editin' th' pa-apers.  Well, dock comes
+to ye afther awhile in a buggy.  On th' way up he sets a broken
+leg, removes an arm, does a little something f'r th' city directhry,
+takes a dhrink, talks pollyticks with th' unhappy parent an' fin'lly
+lands at ye'er dure with th' burglar's tools.  Afther he's closed
+that dure th' secrets iv th' inner man is known on'y to him.  No
+wan hears or wants to hear annything about it.  Th' nex' time we
+see ye, ye come out lookin' pale an' emacyated an' much younger
+an' betther lookin' thin annywan iver raymimbers seein' ye, an'
+afther awhile ye obsarve that whin ye start to tell how manny
+stitches it took an' what ye see whin ye smelled th' dizzy sponge,
+ye'er frinds begin to sprint away.  An' ye go back reluctantly to
+wurruk.  Ye niver hear annywan say: 'Hinnissy is great comp'ny whin
+he begins to talk about his sickness.' I've seen men turn fr'm a
+poor, helpless, enthusyastic invalid to listen to a man talkin'
+about th' Nicaragoon canal.
+
+"But with th' great 'tis far diff'rent.  I've often thanked th'
+Lord that I didn't continyoo in pollytics whin I was cap'n iv me
+precinct, f'r with th' eyes iv all th' wurruld focussed, as Hogan
+says, on me, I cud niver injye th' pleasure iv a moment's sickness
+without people in far-off Boolgahrya knowin' whether me liver was
+on sthraight.  Sickness is wan iv th' privileges iv th' poor man
+that he shares with no wan.  Whin it comes kindly to him, th' four
+walls iv his room closes in on him like a tent, folks goes by on
+th' other side iv th' sthreet, th' rollin' mill disappears, an'
+with th' mornin' comes no honest day's tile.  He lies there in
+blessid idleness an' no matther what's th' matther with him, he
+don't suffer half as much pain as he would in pursoot iv two dollars
+a day.  I knowed a man wanst who used to take his vacations that
+way.  Whin others wint off f'r to hunt what Hogan calls th' finny
+monsthers iv th' deep, he become seeryously ill an' took to bed.
+It made him very sthrong.
+
+"But suppose I hadn't resigned fr'm cap'n iv me precinct whin I
+was defeated.  If annything had happened to me, ye'd pick up th'
+pa-apers an' see: 'Seeryous news about th' Cap'n iv th' twinty-sicond
+precinct iv th' sixth ward.  He has brain fever.  He has not.  He
+got in a fight with a Swede an' had his ribs stove in.  He fell
+out iv th' window iv a joolry store he was burglarizin' an' broke
+th' left junction iv th' sizjymoid cartilage.  Th' throuble with
+th' Cap'n is he dhrinks too much.  A man iv his age who has been
+a soak all his life always succumbs to anny throuble like
+hyperthroopily iv th' cranium.  Docthor Muggers, dean iv th' Post
+Gradyate Vethrinary school iv Osteopathy says he had a similar
+case las' year in Mr. Hinnery Haitch Clohessy, wan iv th' best
+known citizens iv this city.  Like th' Cap, Mr. Clohessy was a
+high liver, a heavy dhrinker, a gambler an' a flirt.  Th' cases
+are almost identical.  Owin' to th' code iv pro-fissional eethics
+Dr. Muggers cud not tell th' bereaved fam'ly what ailed Misther
+Clohessy, but it was undoubtedly his Past Life.'
+
+"Thin come th' doctors.  Not wan doctor, Hinnissy, to give ye a
+whiff out iv a towel an' make ye sleep f'r an hour an' wake up an'
+say 'I fooled ye.  Whin do ye begin?' No, but all iv thim.  They
+escort th' prisoner up th' sthreet in a chariot, an' th' little
+newsboys runs alongside sellin' exthry papers.  'Our night edition
+will print th' inside facts about Cap Dooley's condition, an' th'
+Cap himsilf with a cinematograph iv th' jolly proceedin's be Dock
+Laparatonny.' What happens to th' criminal at first is th' same
+as if he was a dacint, wurrukin' man.  But whin that is done, an'
+'tis gettin' so aisy they tell me they'se not much diff'rence
+between a good clam-salesman an' a first-class surgeon, th' lithry
+wurruk begins.  Ye think 'tis all over whin ye say: 'Dock, put
+ye'er hand undher th' pillow an' take what's there.' But not so.
+Th' assembled docks adjourn to a large hall an' prepare th' story
+iv 'Cap Dooley; a Stormy Career.  Be wan who knows.'
+
+"'Upon seein' th' Cap, we at once diagnosed th' case as
+peritclipalitickipantilitisitis, or chicken bone in th' throat.
+Dr. Pincers operated, Dr. Smothers administhered th' annysthetic,
+Dr. Hygeen opened th' window, Dr. Anodyne turned on th' gas, Dr.
+Aluompaine turned th' pitchers to th' wall, Dr. Rambo looked out
+th' window, Docthors Peroxide, Gycal, Cephalgern, Antipyreen an'
+Coltar took a walk in th' park, an' Doctor Saliclate figured up
+th' bill.  As we have said we diagnosed th' case as above.  We
+can't raymimber th' name.  It depinds on how th' syllables came
+out iv th' hat.  We were wrong, although what we see whin we got
+in more thin made up f'r th' error.  We made a long incision fr'm
+th' chin down an' another acrost an' not findin' what we expicted,
+but manny things that ought to be kept fr'm th' fam'ly, we put th'
+Cap back an' wint on.  Th' op'ration was a complete success.  Th'
+wretch is restin an' swearin' easily.  We have given him a light
+meal iv pickles an' antiseptic oats, an' surgical science havin'
+done its duty, mus' lave th' rest to Nature, which was not in th'
+consultation, bein' considhered be some iv us, slightly irregular.
+(Signed) Look at our names: 'Pincers, Anodyne, Peroxide, Smothers,
+Coltar, Antipyreen, Cepalgeen, Alicompane, Gycal, Hygeen, Rambo,
+Saliclate.'
+
+"But that's nawthin'.  If ye think they'se annything ye wud like
+to keep up ye'er sleeve, look f'r it in th' pa-apers.  'Th' followin'
+facts is stated on th' authority iv wan iv th' attindin' surgeons:
+Cap Dooley cut up terribly undher th' chloryform, singin' songs,
+swearin' an' askin' f'r Lucy.  His wife's name is Annamariar.  She
+was in th' adjinin' room.  It seems they have had throuble.  Th'
+room was poorly furnished.  Th' Cap's clothes was much worn as was
+most iv him.  He must have led a shockin' life.  It is doubtful
+if he will iver raycover f'r he is very, very old.  He has been
+concealin' his age f'r manny years.  He is a notoryous profligate,
+as was well shown be th' view we had.  Th' flash light pitcher iv
+th' Cap will appeal to all who know his inner histhry.'
+
+"An' there ye ar-re.  Think iv a man comin' out in th' light iv
+day afther all that.  He can't get on clothes enough to cover him.
+He may bear himsilf with a haughty manner, but he feels that ivry
+man he meets knows more about him thin he knows himsilf.  Th'
+fellow on th' sthreet has been within th' walls.  He's sayin' to
+himsilf: 'Ye're a hollow sham composed akelly iv impaired organs
+an' antiseptic gauze.' To th' end iv his life, he'll niver be
+annything more thin an annytomical chart to his frinds.  His privacy
+is over f'river, f'r what good can it do annywan, Hinnissy, to
+pull down th' blinds iv his bed room if ivrybody knows exactly th'
+size, shape an' location iv his spleen?
+
+"No, sir, if I've got to be sick, give me th' ordhn'ry dacencies
+iv poverty.  I don't want anny man to know anny more about me thin
+he can larn fr'm th' handiwork iv Marks, th' tailor, an' Schmitt,
+th' shoemaker, an' fr'm th' deceitful expression iv me face.  If
+I have a bad heart, let him know it be me eyes.  On me vest is
+written: 'Thus far an' no farther.' They'se manny a man on intimate
+terms with th' King iv England to-day that don't know anny more
+about me thin that I'm broadcloth on Sundah an' serge on week days.
+An' I don't intind they shall.  I hide behind th' privileges iv
+me position an' say: 'Fellow-citizens, docks an' journalists, I
+cannot inthrajooce ye to th' Inner Man.  He's a reecloose an'
+avarse to s'ciety.  He's modest an' shy an' objects to callers.
+Ye can guess what kind iv man I am but I wudden't have ye know.'
+An' I can do that as long as I stay poor."
+
+"I'm glad I'm poor," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"It gives ye less to talk about but more to think about," said Mr.
+Dooley.
+
+
+
+
+The Fighting Word
+
+
+
+"That man Bailey iv Texas f'r me ivry time," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"What's he been doin'?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"He done me frind Biv'ridge iv Injyanny," said Mr. Dooley.  "An'
+I'm f'r him f'r leader iv th' party.  He's wan iv th' best two-handed
+orators in th' sinit or annywhere.  He has a wondherful left an'
+his repartee with th' right is said to be very stingin'.  He's
+inthrajooced th' sthrangle holt be means iv which th' debate can
+be suddenly cut off.  He's me ideel leader.
+
+"I want a leader who's got a good grip on public affairs an' men,
+who can take hold iv anny question or anny raypublican an' choke
+it or him till they're black in th' face.  Bailey's th' boy.  I
+followed Tillman f'r awhile, but he's gone back.  He belongs to
+th' ol' school iv parlymintaryans, th' same that Jawn L. Sullivan
+belongs to.  He's clever f'r an old 'un an' I'd be willin' to back
+him again anny raypublican in New England at catch-weights.  His
+reply to Sinitor McLaurin was said to be wan iv th' quickest iver
+heerd since th' days iv Dan'l Webster.  It laid open th' scalp.
+But they tell me Tillman's speeches is not what Hogan calls
+impromptchu.  He rehearses thim ivry mornin' with a punchin'-bag.
+Bailey is more iv a nachral debater.  No holds barred with him.
+Hand or fut, 'tis all th' same.
+
+"What was it all about, says ye? Well, ye see this sinitor fr'm
+Injyanny, me frind Jeremiah Biv'ridge made a mos' insultin' remark
+to Misther Bailey.  What did he say? I mustn't tell ye.  No, no,
+'tis too horrible.  Well, if ye must hear it, close th' dure an'
+pull down th' blinds.  Whisper! There! There ye have it.  I blush
+to raypeat th' wurruds.  To think that anny man shud so demean
+himsilf as to imagine such a thing, lave alone say it.  But he
+did--right out in th' Sinit befure Hinnery Cabin Lodge.  Oh, it
+was turr'ble.  Here it is in th' pa-apers: 'Misther Biv'ridge said
+th' st-t-m-nts iv th' hon'rable sinitor fr'm Texas was unw-r-nted.'
+Modesty where was thy blush? as Shakespere says.  Now, th' sinitors
+iv th' United States is not aisily shocked.  That's not th' way
+ye get into th' Sinit.  Th' bright blush iv shame hasn't been used
+there more thin twice since th' war.  Ye can say almost annything
+ye like to a sinitor.  Ye can say he wanst stole a horse, that
+he's livin' undher an assumed name, that he was made be a thrust,
+that his on'y nourishment is beets, or that he belongs to New York
+s'ciety, an' th' Sinit will on'y yawn.  But wanst even hint that
+his such-an'-such is so-an'-so (I will not repeat th' heejous
+wurruds) an' ye mus' hurry an' slip on th' brass knuckles, f'r
+they'se a slap comin' to ye.
+
+"Here's what happened: 'Sinitor Bailey stepped quickly over Sinitors
+Hoar, Mason, Quay, an' others an' made f'r where Sinitor Biv'ridge
+was quitely smokin' a cigar an' talkin' to himsilf.  Sinitor Bailey
+says: "Hon'rable sir, ye must withdraw that loathsome insinooation
+again' me good name," he says.  "I have not led a pure life.  No
+man has.  I don't claim to be anny betther thin others.  But no
+wan befure has iver said about me such things as these, an' if ye
+don't take thim back at wanst, I'll kill ye, I'll choke ye, I'll
+give ye a poke in th' eye," he says.  "I cannot consint," says th'
+bold sinitor fr'm Injyanny, "I cannot consint to haul back me
+epithet.  It wud not be sinitoryal courtesy," he says.  "Thin,"
+says Sinitor Bailey, "here goes f'r an assault an' batthry." An'
+with a gesture iv th' thrue orator, he seized him be th' throat.
+Th' debate become gin'ral.  Sinitor Spooner iv Wisconsin led f'r
+th' raypublicans an' Sinitor Morgan iv Alabama counthered f'r th'
+dimmycrats.  Sinitor Platt made a very happy retort with a chair,
+to which Sinitor Gorman replied with a sintintious cuspidor.  Owin'
+to th' excitin' nature iv th' debate on'y a few iv th' best remarks
+reached th' gall'ry, wan iv thim, a piece iv hard coal, layin' out
+a riprisintative iv th' Sultan iv Zulu.  At th' hospital he declared
+himsilf much imprissed.  Durin' th' proceedin's Biv'ridge acted
+in th' mos' gintlemanly an' even ladylike manner.  His face wore
+a smile iv complete sang fraud or pain, an' he niver took his cigar
+fr'm his mouth wanst.  Indeed, it was siv'ral hours befure th'
+Havana cud be exthracted be th' surgeon who was called in.  While
+th' debate was in progress, a pitcher iv Thomas Jefferson was
+obsarved to give a slight moan an' turn its face to th' wall.  Th'
+Sinit thin took up routine business an' th' janitor swept up th'
+hair an' neckties.  Sinitor Biv'ridge was not much hurt.  Th'
+tinder outside iv th' wind-pipe was somewhat bruised, but th'
+wurrukin' inside is still intact.'
+
+"'Twas a pretty scene, Hinnissy, an' wan that makes me proud iv
+Bailey f'r his courage in pouncin' on his collague; iv Biv'ridge
+f'r th' manly self resthraint an' rayspict f'r th' dignity iv th'
+Sinit that par'lyzes a man's hands whin his wind is cut off; iv
+our noble counthry that projooces such sturdy sons, iv th' Sinit
+that brings thim together in a clinch an' iv mesilf because I
+wasn't there.  I'm with Bailey.  Bailey f'r prisidint! Bailey or
+bust or choke!
+
+"I'm not sure that if I was in th' same place I'd do th' same
+thing.  But I'm no statesman.  Who am I to say that what wudden't
+be manners in a bar-room is not all right in th' Sinit? Diff'rent
+men has diff'rent raisons f'r fightin'.  Ivry man will fight.  Ye
+can bet on that.  A brave man will fight because he is brave an'
+a cow'rd because he is a cow'rd.  All men will fight an' all men
+will run.  Some will fight befure they'll run, but they'll run;
+some men will run befure they'll fight, but they'll fight.  They'se
+a pretty good fight an' a pretty fast run in ivry man I know.  Th'
+debate in th' Sinit don't prove annything about th' merits iv
+ayether pug.  In some other circumstances, Biv'ridge might have
+hunted Bailey up a three.  It happened to be Bailey's day.
+
+"As I get on in years, I believe less in fightin'.  'Tis a turr'ble
+thing to see th' aged an' infirm swingin' away at each other.
+'Tis so unscientific.  I hate to think iv a man with one leg in
+th' grave usin' th' other to thrip th' free foot iv a fellow aged.
+I'm glad Bailey an' Biv'ridge ar-re young men.  What a scandal if
+Sinitor Cullom an' Sinitor Morgan shud mix it up! Wan iv th' things
+a man larns as he grows old is to dislike fightin'.  He dislikes
+annything he can't do as well as he cud.  I'm that way.  But I
+wasn't always so.  No, sir.  They was a time whin I'd fight at th'
+dhrop iv a hat, f'r money or marbles or pool checks, f'r th' good
+name iv women or th' revarse, f'r political principles or unprincipled
+politics, f'r th' gate receipts, f'r me relligion, f'r th' look
+iv th' thing, because th' barkeeper heard what he said, because he
+whispered to her, f'r th' sacred theery that th' buildin's is higher
+in Chicago thin in New York, f'r th' fun iv th' thing, an' f'r th'
+Fight.  That last's th' best iv all.  A man that won't fight f'r
+th' fight itsilf is no rale fighter.  I don't know what wud make
+me fight nowadays.  I know lots iv things that wud make me want
+to fight, but I've larned to repress me desires.  Me heart is full
+iv song but I've lost me voice.  In me dhreams I'm always punchin'
+somebody's head.  I shall niver f'rget th' night whin I put Jeffries
+out iv th' business with wan well-directed punch an' me in me bare
+feet, too.  I can niver f'rget it f'r I fell out iv bed and bumped
+me head again' th' rocker iv a chair.  But in me wakin' hours, I'm
+a man iv vi'lent impulses an' peaceful raysults.  In a fight I'd
+be like a deef-mute in a debatin' s'ciety.  But as I said, Hinnissy,
+they was a day whin th' lightest wurrud was an insult.  Nowadays
+I say to mesilf: 'Considher th' soorce.  How can such a low blaggard
+as that insult me? Jus' because some dhrunken wretch chooses to
+apply a foul epitaph to me, am I goin' to dignify him be knockin'
+him down in th' public sthreet an' p'raps not, an' gettin' th'
+head beat off me? No, sir.  I will raymimber me position in th'
+community.  I will pass on with a smile iv bitter contempt.  Maybe
+I'd betther run a little.'
+
+"Th' las' throuble I got into I begun to think iv th' new suit I
+had on an' I knew me warryor days was over.  Whin a man raymimbers
+his clothes or his appearance in battle, 'tis high time f'r him
+to retire fr'm th' ring.  Th' ca'm, almost deathlike smile that
+rests upon a man's face whin another man is cloutin' him about is
+on'y th' outward exprission iv something about two numbers up th'
+chest fr'm sea sickness.  That's all I've got to say about fightin'.
+Ye can't lay down anny rules about it."
+
+"Ye niver will go to th' Sinit with thim views," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"I don't want to," said Mr. Dooley.  "Some day th' Sinit will be
+pulled."
+
+
+
+
+Home Life of Geniuses
+
+
+
+"A woman ought to be careful who she marries," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"So ought a man," said Mr. Hennessy, with feeling.
+
+"It don't make so much diff'rence about him," said Mr. Dooley.
+"Whin a man's marrid, he's a marrid man.  That's all ye can say
+about him.  Iv coorse, he thinks marredge is goin' to change th'
+whole current iv his bein', as Hogan says.  But it doesn't.  Afther
+he's been hooked up f'r a few months, he finds he was marrid befure,
+even if he wasn't, which is often th' case, d'ye mind.  Th' first
+bride iv his bosom was th' Day's Wurruk, an' it can't be put off.
+They'se no groun's f'r dissolvin' that marredge, Hinnissy.  Ye
+can't say to th' Day's Wurruk: 'Here, take this bunch iv alimony
+an' go on th' stage.' It turns up at breakfast about th' fourth
+month afther th' weddin' an' creates a scandal.  Th' unforchnit
+man thries to shoo it off but it fixes him with its eye an' hauls
+him away fr'm the bacon an' eggs, while the lady opposite weeps
+and wondhers what he can see in annything so old an' homely.  It
+says, 'Come with me, aroon,' an' he goes.  An' afther that he
+spinds most iv his time an' often a good deal iv his money with
+th' enchantress.  I tell ye what, Hinnissy, th' Day's Wurruk has
+broke up more happy homes thin comic opry.  If th' coorts wud
+allow it, manny a woman cud get a divorce on th' groun's that her
+husband cared more f'r his Day's Wurruk thin he did f'r her.
+'Hinnissy varsus Hinnissy; corryspondint, th' Day's Wurruk.' They'd
+be ividince that th' defindant was seen ridin' in a cab with th'
+corryspondint, that he took it to a picnic, that he wint to th'
+theaytre with it, that he talked about it in his sleep, an' that,
+lost to all sinse iv shame, he even escoorted it home with him an'
+inthrajooced it to his varchoos wife an' innocint childher.  So
+it don't make much diff'rence who a man marries.  If he has a job,
+he's safe.
+
+"But with a woman 'tis diff'rent.  Th' man puts down on'y part iv
+th' bet.  Whin he's had enough iv th' convarsation that in Union
+Park undher th' threes med him think he was talkin' with an
+intellechool joyntess, all he has to do is to put on his coat,
+grab up his dinner pail an' go down to th' shops, to be happy
+though marrid.  But a woman, I tell ye, bets all she has.  A man
+don't have to marry but a woman does.  Ol' maids an' clargymen do
+th' most good in th' wurruld an' we love thim f'r th' good they
+do.  But people, especially women, don't want to be loved that
+way.  They want to he loved because people can't help lovin' thim
+no matther how bad they are.  Th' story books that ye give ye'er
+daughter Honoria all tell her 'tis just as good not to be marrid.
+She reads about how kind Dorothy was to Lulu's childher an' she
+knows Dorothy was th' betther woman, but she wants to be Lulu.
+Her heart, an' a cold look in th' eye iv th' wurruld an' her Ma
+tell her to hurry up.  Arly in life she looks f'r th' man iv her
+choice in th' tennis records; later she reads th' news fr'm th'
+militia encampmint; thin she studies th' socyal raygisther; further
+on she makes hersilf familyar with Bradsthreets' rayports, an'
+fin'lly she watches th' place where life presarvers are hangin'.
+
+"Now, what kind iv a man ought a woman to marry? She oughtn't to
+marry a young man because she'll grow old quicker thin he will;
+she oughtn't to marry an old man because he'll be much older befure
+he's younger; she oughtn't to marry a poor man because he may
+become rich an' lose her; she oughtn't to marry a rich man because
+if he becomes poor, she can't lose him; she oughtn't to marry a
+man that knows more thin she does, because he'll niver fail to
+show it, an' she oughtn't to marry a man that knows less because
+he may niver catch up.  But above all things she mustn't marry a
+janius.  A flure-walker, perhaps; a janius niver.
+
+"I tell ye this because I've been r-readin' a book Hogan give
+me, about th' divvle's own time a janius had with his fam'ly.  A
+cap iv industhry may have throuble in his fam'ly till there isn't
+a whole piece iv chiny in th' cupboard, an' no wan will be the
+wiser f'r it but th' hired girl an' th' doctor that paints th'
+black eye.  But ivrybody knows what happens in a janius' house.
+Th' janius always tells th' bartinder.  Besides he has other
+janiuses callin' on him, an' 'tis th' business iv a janius to write
+about th' domestic throubles iv other janiuses so posterity'll
+know what a hard thing it is to be a janius.  I've been readin'
+this book iv Hogan's an' as I tell ye, 'tis about th' misery a
+wretched woman inflicted on a pote's life.
+
+"'Our hayro,' says th' author,' at this peeryod conthracted an
+unforchnit alliance that was destined to cast a deep gloom over
+his career.  At th' age iv fifty, afther a life devoted to th'
+pursoot iv such gayety as janiuses have always found niciss'ry to
+solace their avenin's, he marrid a young an' beautiful girl some
+thirty-two years his junior.  This wretched crather had no
+appreciation iv lithrachoor or lithry men.  She was frivolous an'
+light-minded an' ividintly considhered that nawthin' was rally
+lithrachoor that cudden't be thranslated into groceries.  Niver
+shall I f'rget th' expression iv despair on th' face iv this godlike
+man as he came into Casey's saloon wan starry July avenin' an'
+staggered into his familyar seat, holdin' in his hand a bit iv
+soiled paper which he tore into fragmints an' hurled into th' coal
+scuttle.  On that crumpled parchmint findin' a sombre grave among
+th' disinterred relics iv an age long past, to wit, th' cariboniferious
+or coal age, was written th' iver-mim'rable pome: "Ode to Gin."
+Our frind had scribbled it hastily at th' dinner iv th'
+Betther-thin-Shakespere Club, an' had attimpted to read it to his
+wife through th' keyhole iv her bedroom dure an' met no response
+fr'm th' fillystein but a pitcher iv wather through th' thransom.
+Forchnitly he had presarved a copy on his cuff an' th' gem was
+not lost to posterity.  But such was th' home life iv wan iv th'
+gr-reatest iv lithry masters, a man indowed be nachure with all
+that shud make a woman adore him as is proved be his tindher
+varses: 'To Carrie,' 'To Maude,' 'To Flossie,' 'To Angehel,' 'To
+Queenie,' an' so foorth.  De Bonipoort in his cillybrated 'Mimores,'
+in which he tells ivrything unpleasant he see or heerd in his
+frinds' houses, gives a sthrikin' pitcher iv a scene that happened
+befure his eyes.  'Afther a few basins iv absceenthe in th' reev
+gosh,' says he, 'Parnassy invited us home to dinner.  Sivral iv
+th' bum vivonts was hard to wake up, but fin'lly we arrived at th'
+handsome cellar where our gr-reat frind had installed his unworthy
+fam'ly.  Ivrything pinted to th' admirable taste iv th' thrue
+artist.  Th' tub, th' washboard, th' biler singin' on th' fire,
+th' neighbor's washin' dancin' on the clothes rack, were all in
+keepin' with th' best ideels iv what a pote's home shud be.  Th'
+wife, a faded but still pretty woman, welcomed us more or less,
+an' with th' assistance iv sivral bottles iv paint we had brought
+with us, we was soon launched on a feast iv raison an' a flow iv
+soul.  Unhappily befure th' raypast was con-cluded a mis'rable
+scene took place.  Amid cries iv approval, Parnassy read his
+mim'rable pome intitled: 'I wisht I nivir got marrid.' Afther
+finishin' in a perfect roar of applause, he happened to look up
+an' see his wife callously rockin' th' baby.  With th' impetchosity
+so charackteristic iv th' man, he broke a soup plate over her head
+an' burst into tears on th' flure, where gentle sleep soon soothed
+th' pangs iv a weary heart.  We left as quitely as we cud,
+considherin' th' way th' chairs was placed, an' wanst undher th'
+stars comminted on th' ir'ny iv fate that condimned so great a man
+to so milancholy a distiny.
+
+"'This,' says our author, 'was th' daily life iv th' hayro f'r tin
+years.  In what purgatory will that infamous woman suffer if Hiven
+thinks as much iv janiuses as we think iv oursilves.  Forchnitly
+th' pote was soon to be marcifully relieved.  He left her an' she
+marrid a boorjawce with whom she led a life iv coarse happiness.
+It is sad to relate that some years aftherward th' great pote,
+havin' called to make a short touch on th' woman f'r whom he had
+sacryficed so much, was unfeelingly kicked out iv th' boorjawce's
+plumbin' shop.'
+
+"So, ye see, Hinnissy, why a woman oughtn't to marry a janius.
+She can't be cross or peevish or angry or jealous or frivolous or
+annything else a woman ought to be at times f'r fear it will get
+into th' ditchn'ry iv bio-graphy, an' she'll go down to histhry
+as a termygant.  A termygant, Hinnissy, is a woman who's heerd
+talkin' to her husband after they've been marrid a year.  Hogan
+says all janiuses was unhappily marrid.  I guess that's thrue iv
+their wives, too.  He says if ye hear iv a pote who got on with
+his fam'ly, scratch him fr'm ye'er public lib'ry list.  An' there
+ye ar-re."
+
+"Ye know a lot about marredge," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"I do," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"Ye was niver marrid?"
+
+"No," said Mr. Dooley.  "No, I say, givin' three cheers.  I know
+about marredge th' way an asthronomer knows about th' stars.  I'm
+studyin' it through me glass all th' time."
+
+"Ye're an asthronomer," said Mr. Hennessy; "but," he added, tapping
+himself lightly on the chest, "I'm a star."
+
+"Go home," said Mr. Dooley crossly, "befure th' mornin' comes to
+put ye out."
+
+
+
+
+Reform Administration
+
+
+
+"Why is it," asked Mr. Hennessy, "that a rayform administhration
+always goes to th' bad?"
+
+"I'll tell ye," said Mr. Dooley.  "I tell ye ivrything an' I'll
+tell ye this.  In th' first place 'tis a gr-reat mistake to think
+that annywan ra-aly wants to rayform.  Ye niver heerd iv a man
+rayformin' himsilf.  He'll rayform other people gladly.  He likes
+to do it.  But a healthy man'll niver rayform while he has th'
+strenth.  A man doesn't rayform till his will has been impaired
+so he hasn't power to resist what th' pa-apers calls th' blandishments
+iv th' timpter.  An' that's thruer in politics thin annywhere else.
+
+"But a rayformer don't see it.  A rayformer thinks he was ilicted
+because he was a rayformer, whin th' thruth iv th' matther is he
+was ilicted because no wan knew him.  Ye can always ilict a man
+in this counthry on that platform.  If I was runnin' f'r office,
+I'd change me name, an' have printed on me cards: 'Give him a
+chanst; he can't be worse.' He's ilicted because th' people don't
+know him an' do know th' other la-ad; because Mrs. Casey's oldest
+boy was clubbed be a polisman, because we cudden't get wather above
+th' third story wan day, because th' sthreet car didn't stop f'r
+us, because th' Flannigans bought a pianny, because we was near
+run over be a mail wagon, because th' saloons are open Sundah night,
+because they're not open all day, an' because we're tired seein'
+th' same face at th' window whin we go down to pay th' wather taxes.
+Th' rayformer don't know this.  He thinks you an' me, Hinnissy,
+has been watchin' his spotless career f'r twinty years, that we've
+read all he had to say on th' evils iv pop'lar sufferage befure
+th' Society f'r the Bewildermint iv th' Poor, an' that we're achin'
+in ivry joint to have him dhrag us be th' hair iv th' head fr'm
+th' flowin' bowl an' th' short card game, make good citizens iv
+us an' sind us to th' pinitinchry.  So th' minyit he gets into th'
+job he begins a furyous attimpt to convart us into what we've been
+thryin' not to be iver since we come into th' wurruld.
+
+"In th' coorse iv th' twinty years that he spint attimptin' to get
+office, he managed to poke a few warrum laws conthrollin' th'
+pleasures iv th' poor into th' stachoo book, because no wan cared
+about thim or because they made business betther f'r th' polis,
+an' whin he's in office, he calls up th' Cap'n iv the polis an'
+says he: 'If these laws ar-re bad laws th' way to end thim is to
+enfoorce thim.' Somebody told him that, Hinnissy.  It isn't thrue,
+d'ye mind.  I don't care who said it, not if 'twas Willum Shakespere.
+It isn't thrue.  Laws ar-re made to throuble people an' th' more
+throuble they make th' longer they stay on th' stachoo book.  But
+th' polis don't ast anny questions.  Says they: 'They'll be less
+money in th' job but we need some recreation,' an' that night a
+big copper comes down th' sthreet, sees me settin' out on th' front
+stoop with me countenance dhraped with a tin pail, fans me with
+his club an' runs me in.  Th' woman nex' dure is locked up f'r
+sthringin' a clothes line on th' roof, Hannigan's boy Tim gets
+tin days f'r keepin' a goat, th' polis resarves are called out to
+protict th' vested rights iv property against th' haynyous pushcart
+man, th' stations is crowded with felons charged with maintainin'
+a hose conthrary to th' stachoos made an' provided, an' th'
+tindherline is all over town.  A rayformer don't think annything
+has been accomplished if they'se a vacant bedroom in th' pinitinchry.
+His motto is 'Arrest that man.'
+
+"Whin a rayformer is ilicted he promises ye a business administhration.
+Some people want that but I don't.  Th' American business man is
+too fly.  He's all right, d'ye mind.  I don't say annything again'
+him.  He is what Hogan calls th' boolwarks iv pro-gress, an' we
+cudden't get on without him even if his scales are a little too
+quick on th' dhrop.  But he ought to be left to dale with his
+akels.  'Tis a shame to give him a place where he can put th'
+comether on millions iv people that has had no business thrainin'
+beyond occasionally handin' a piece iv debased money to a car
+conductor on a cold day.  A reg'lar pollytician can't give away
+an alley without blushin', but a business man who is in pollytics
+jus' to see that th' civil sarvice law gets thurly enfoorced, will
+give Lincoln Park an' th' public libr'y to th' beef thrust, charge
+an admission price to th' lake front an' make it a felony f'r
+annywan to buy stove polish outside iv his store, an' have it all
+put down to public improvemints with a pitcher iv him in th' corner
+stone.
+
+"Fortchnitly, Hinnissy, a rayformer is seldom a business man.  He
+thinks he is, but business men know diff'rent.  They know what he
+is.  He thinks business an' honesty is th' same thing.  He does,
+indeed.  He's got thim mixed because they dhress alike.  His idee
+is that all he has to do to make a business administhration is to
+have honest men ar-round him.  Wrong.  I'm not sayin', mind ye,
+that a man can't do good work an' be honest at th' same time.  But
+whin I'm hirin' a la-ad I find out first whether he is onto his
+job, an' afther a few years I begin to suspect that he is honest,
+too.  Manny a dishonest man can lay brick sthraight an' manny a
+man that wudden't steal ye'er spoons will break ye'er furniture.
+I don't want Father Kelly to hear me, but I'd rather have a competint
+man who wud steal if I give him a chanst, but I won't, do me
+plumbin' thin a person that wud scorn to help himsilf but didn't
+know how to wipe a joint.  Ivry man ought to be honest to start
+with, but to give a man an office jus' because he's honest is like
+ilictin' him to Congress because he's a pathrite, because he don't
+bate his wife or because he always wears a right boot on th' right
+foot.  A man ought to be honest to start with an' afther that he
+ought to be crafty.  A pollytician who's on'y honest is jus' th'
+same as bein' out in a winther storm without anny clothes on.
+
+"Another thing about rayform administhrations is they always think
+th' on'y man that ought to hold a job is a lawyer.  Th' raison is
+that in th' coorse iv his thrainin' a lawyer larns enough about
+ivrything to make a good front on anny subject to annybody who
+doesn't know about it.  So whin th' rayform administhration comes
+in th' mayor says: 'Who'll we make chief iv polis in place iv th'
+misguided ruffyan who has held th' job f'r twinty years?' 'Th' man
+f'r th' place,' says th' mayor's adviser, 'is Arthur Lightout,'
+he says.  'He's an ixcillent lawyer, Yale, '95, an' is well up on
+polis matthers.  Las' year he read a paper on "The fine polis
+foorce iv London" befure th' annyal meetin' iv th' S'ciety f'r
+Ladin' th' Mulligan Fam'ly to a Betther an' Harder Life.  Besides,'
+he says, 'he's been in th' milishy an' th' foorce needs a man
+who'll be afraid not to shoot in case iv public disturbance.' So
+Arthur takes hold iv th' constabulary an' in a year th' polis can
+all read Emerson an' th' burglars begin puttin' up laddhers an'
+block an' tackles befure eight A.M.  An' so it is on ivry side.
+A lawyer has charge iv the city horse-shoein', another wan is
+clanin' th' sthreets, th' author iv 'Gasamagoo on torts' is thryin'
+to dispose iv th' ashes be throwin' thim in th' air on a windy day,
+an' th' bright boy that took th' silver ware f'r th' essay on ne
+exeats an' their relation to life is plannin' a uniform that will
+be sarviceable an' constitchoochinal f'r th' brave men that wurruks
+on th' city dumps.  An' wan day th' main rayformer goes out expictin'
+to rayceive th' thanks iv th' community an' th' public that has
+jus' got out iv jail f'r lettin' th' wather run too long in th'
+bath tub rises up an' cries: 'Back to th' Univarsity Settlemint.'
+Th' man with th' di'mon' in his shirt front comes home an' pushes
+th' honest lawyers down th' steps, an' a dishonest horse shoer
+shoes th' city's horses well, an' a crooked plumber does th' city's
+plumbin' securely, an' a rascally polisman that may not be avarse
+to pickin' up a bet but will always find out whin Pathrolman
+Scanlan slept on his beat, takes hold iv th' polis foorce, an' we
+raysume our nachral condition iv illagal merrimint.  An' th'
+rayformer spinds th' rest iv his life tellin' us where we are
+wrong.  He's good at that.  On'y he don't undherstand that people
+wud rather be wrong an' comfortable thin right in jail."
+
+"I don't like a rayformer," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Or anny other raypublican," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+
+
+
+Work and Sport
+
+
+
+"A hard time th' rich have injyin' life," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"I'd thrade with thim," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"I wud not," said Mr. Dooley.  "'Tis too much like hard wurruk.
+If I iver got hold iv a little mound iv th' money, divvle th' bit
+iv hardship wud I inflict on mesilf.  I'd set on a large Turkish
+sofa an' have dancin' girls dancin' an' a mandolin orchesthree
+playin' to me.  I wudden't move a step without bein' carrid.  I'd
+go to bed with th' lark an' get up with th' night watchman.  If
+annywan suggested physical exercise to me, I'd give him forty
+dollars to go away.  I'd hire a prize fighter to do me fightin'
+f'r me, a pedesthreen to do me walkin', a jockey to do me ridin',
+an' a colledge pro-fissor to do me thinkin'.  Here I'd set with
+a naygur fannin' me with osterich feathers, lookin' ca'mly out
+through me stained glass windies on th' rollin' mills, smokin'
+me good five cint seegar an' rejicin' to know how bad ye mus' be
+feelin' ivry time ye think iv me hoorded wealth.
+
+"But that ain't th' way it comes out, Hinnissy.  Higgins, the
+millyionaire, had th' same idee as me whin he was beginnin' to
+breed money with a dollar he ownded an' a dollar he took fr'm some
+wan that wasn't there at th' time.  While he was hammerin' hoops
+on a bar'l or dhrivin' pegs into a shoe, he'd stop wanst in a while
+to wipe th' sweat off his brow whin th' boss wasn't lookin' an'
+he'd say to himsilf: 'If I iver get it, I'll have a man wheel me
+around on a chair.' But as his stable grows an' he herds large
+dhroves down to th' bank ivry week, he changes his mind, an' whin
+he's got enough to injye life, as they say, he finds he's up against
+it.  His throubles has just begun.  I know in his heart Higgins'
+ideel iv luxury is enough buckwheat cakes an' a cozy corner in a
+Turkish bath, but he can't injye it.  He mus' be up an' doin'.
+An' th' on'y things annywan around him is up an' doin' is th'
+things he used to get paid f'r doin' whin he was a young man.
+
+"Arly in th' mornin' Higgins has got to be out exercisin' a horse
+to keep th' horse in good health.  Higgins has no business on a
+horse an' he knows it.  He was built an' idycated f'r a cooper an'
+th' horse don't fit him.  Th' nachral way f'r Higgins to ride a
+horse is to set well aft an' hang onto th' ears.  But he's tol'
+that's wrong an' he's made to set up sthraight an' be a good fellow
+an' meet th' horse half way.  An' if th' horse don't run away with
+Higgins an' kill him, he's tol' it's not a good horse an' he ought
+to sell it.  An' mind ye, he pays f'r that though he can't help
+raymimberin' th' man nex' dure fr'm him used to get tin dollars a
+week f'r th' same job.
+
+"Whin he was a young man, Higgins knowed a fellow that dhruv four
+horses f'r a brewery.  They paid him well, but he hated his job.
+He used to come in at night an' wish his parents had made him a
+cooper, an' Higgins pitied him, knowin' he cudden't get out a life
+insurance policy an' his wife was scared to death all th' time.
+Now that Higgins has got th' money, he's took th' brewery man's
+job with worse horses an' him barred fr'm dhrivin' with more thin
+wan hand.  An' does he get annything f'r it? On th' conth'ry,
+Hinnissy, it sets him back a large forchune.  An' he says he's
+havin' a good time an' if th' brewery man come along an' felt sorry
+f'r him, Higgins wudden't exactly know why.
+
+"Higgins has to sail a yacht raymimberin' how he despised th' Swede
+sailors that used to loaf in th' saloon near his house dunn' th'
+winter; he has to run an autymobill, which is th' same thing as
+dhrivin' a throlley car on a windy day without pay; he has to play
+golf, which is th' same thing as bein' a letther-carryer without
+a dacint uniform; he has to play tennis, which is another wurrud
+f'r batin' a carpet; he has to race horses, which is the same thing
+as bein' a bookmaker with th' chances again' ye; he has to go
+abroad, which is th' same thing as bein' an immigrant; he has to
+set up late, which is th' same thing as bein' a dhrug clerk; an'
+he has to play cards with a man that knows how, which is th' same
+thing as bein' a sucker.
+
+"He takes his good times hard, Hinnissy.  A rich man at spoort is
+a kind iv non-union laborer.  He don't get wages f'r it an' he
+don't dhrive as well as a milkman, ride as well as a stable-boy,
+shoot as well as a polisman, or autymobill as well as th' man that
+runs th' steam-roller.  It's a tough life.  They'se no rest f'r
+th' rich an' weary.  We'll be readin' in th' pa-apers wan iv these
+days: 'Alonzo Higgins, th' runner up in las' year's champeenship,
+showed gr-reat improvement in this year's brick layin' tournymint
+at Newport, an' won handily with about tin square feet to spare.
+He was nobly assisted be Regynald Van Stinyvant, who acted as his
+hod carryer an' displayed all th' agility which won him so much
+applause arlier in th' year.
+
+"'Th' Pickaways carrid off all th' honors in th' sewer-diggin'
+contest yesterdah, defatin' th' Spadewells be five holes to wan.
+Th' shovel wurruk iv Cassidy th' banker was spicially noticeable.
+Th' colors iv th' Pickaways was red flannel undhershirts an' dark
+brown trousers.
+
+"'Raycreations iv rich men: Jawn W. Grates an' J. Pierpont Morgan
+ar-re to have a five days' shinglin' contest at Narragansett
+Pier.  George Gold is thrainin' f'r th' autumn plumbin' jimkanny.
+Mitchigan avnoo is tore up fr'm Van Buren sthreet to th' belt
+line in priparation f'r th' contest in sthreet layin'between mimbers
+iv th' Assocyation iv More-Thin-Rich Spoorts.  Th' sledge teams
+is completed but a few good tampers an' wather men is needed.'
+
+"An' why not, Hinnissy? If 'tis fun to wurruk why not do some rale
+wurruk? If 'tis spoort to run an autymobill, why not run a locymotive?
+If dhrivin' a horse in a cart is a game, why not dhrive a delivery
+wagon an' carry things around? Sure, I s'pose th' raison a rich
+man can't undherstand why wages shud go higher is because th' rich
+can't see why annybody shud be paid f'r annything so amusin' as
+wurruk.  I bet ye Higgins is wondherin' at this moment why he was
+paid so much f'r puttin' rings around a bar'l.
+
+"No, sir, what's a rich man's raycreation is a poor man's wurruk.
+Th' poor ar-re th' on'y people that know how to injye wealth.
+Me idee iv settin' things sthraight is to have th' rich who wurruk
+because they like it, do th' wurruk f'r th' poor who wud rather
+rest.  I'll be happy th' day I see wan iv th' Hankerbilts pushin'
+ye'er little go-cart up th' platform while ye set in th' shade iv
+a three an' cheer him on his way.  I'm sure he'd do it if ye called
+it a spoort an' tol him th' first man to th' dump wud be entitled
+to do it over again against sthronger men nex' week.  Wud ye give
+him a tin cup that he cud put his name on? Wud ye, Hinnissy? I'm
+sure ye wud."
+
+"Why do they do it?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"I dinnaw," said Mr. Dooley, "onless it is that th' wan great
+object iv ivry man's life is to get tired enough to sleep.  Ivrything
+seems to be some kind iv wurruk.  Wurruk is wurruk if ye're paid
+to do it an' it's pleasure if ye pay to be allowed to do it."
+
+
+
+
+The Names of a Week
+
+
+
+"What's goin' on this week in th' papers?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Ivrything," said Mr. Dooley.  "It's been a turbylint week.  I can
+hardly sleep iv nights thinkin' iv th' doin's iv people.  Th'
+campinily at Venice has fallen down.  'Twas built in 1604 be th'
+Beezantiums an' raystored in 1402 be th' Dogs.  It fell down because
+th' foundations was weak, because th' wind blew, because th'
+beautiful figure iv th' goolden angel on top iv it was fifteen
+feet high.  It will be rebuilt or maybe not.  Th' king iv Italy
+has given thirty-three billion liars to put it up again, an' siv'ral
+ladin' American archytects have offered to do th' job, makin' an
+office buildin' iv it.  Th' campinily was wan iv th' proudest
+monymints iv Italy an' was used as a bell-tower at times, an' at
+other times as a gazabo where anny American cud take a peek at th'
+gran' canal an' compare it with th' Erie, th' Pannyma an' th'
+dhrainage iv the same name.
+
+"Th' king iv England is betther.  He's off in his yacht.  So ar-re
+Laking, Treves, Smith, Barlow, Jones, Casey, Lister, thank Hiven!
+A hard life is science.  Th' Hon'rable Joseph Choate is raycoverin'
+more slowly.  He still sobs occas'nally in his sleep an' has
+ordhered all th' undher sicreties to have their vermyform appindixes
+raymoved as a token iv rayspict f'r th' sthricken nation.  Th'
+Hon'rable Whitelaw Reid is havin' a cast iv his knee breeches made,
+which will be exhibited in New York durin' th' comin' winter.
+
+"Me frind, J. Pierpont Morgan, has been takin' dinner with th'
+Impror Willum.  It is undherstud he will presint him to th'
+Methropolytan Museem iv Art.  There are said to be worse things
+there.
+
+"Lord Salisberry has thrun up his job.  Lord Salisberry was wan
+iv th' grandest an' mos' succissful statesmen iv modhren times.
+He niver did annything.  He is succeeded be his nevvew, Misther
+Balfour, if I get th' name right, who has done less.  It is expicted
+that Misther Balfour will have a good time.  On rayceivin' th'
+congrathylations iv his colleague, Misther Chamberlain, he bought
+himsilf a rayvolver an' took out a policy on his life.
+
+"A lady down east woke her husband up to tell him there was a
+burglar in th' house.  Th' foolish woman.  They'se always burglars
+in th' house.  That's what burglars are f'r, an' houses.  Instead
+iv argyin' th' pint in a loud voice, coughin' an' givin' th' burglar
+a chance to lave with dignity, this man got up an' was kilt.  Now
+th' pa-apers with th' assistance iv th' officers iv th' law has
+discovered that th' lady took a boat ride with a gintleman frind
+in th' summer iv sixty-two, that she wanst quarreled with her
+husband about th' price iv a hat, that wan iv her lower teeth is
+plugged, that she wears a switch an' that she weeps whin she sees
+her childher.  They'se a moral in this.  It's ayether don't wake
+a man up out iv a sound sleep, or don't get out iv bed till ye
+have to, or don't bother a burglar whin ye see he's busy, or kill
+th' iditor.  I don't know which it is.
+
+"Willum Jennings Bryan is readin' me frind Grover Cleveland out
+iv th' party.  He's usin' the Commoner to read him out.  That's a
+sure way.
+
+"Mary MeLane has been in town.  I didn't see her, me place not
+bein' a raysort f'r th' young an' yearnin', an' especially me
+duckin' all lithry ladies iv whativer sex.  Mary McLane is th'
+author iv a book called: 'Whin I am older I'll know betther.' Ye
+ought to read it, Hinnissy.
+
+"Th' Newport season is opened with gr-reat gayety an' th' aim
+iv rayturnin' husbands is much more sure.
+
+"Gin'ral Bragg fr'm up in Wisconsin has been gettin' into throuble
+with our haughty allies, th' Cubians, he writin' home to his wife
+that ye might as well thry to make a whistle out iv a pig's tail
+as a dacint man out iv a Cubian.  Gin'ral Bragg will be bounced
+an' he ought to be.  He don't belong in pollytics.  His place is
+iditor iv a losin' newspaper.
+
+"Gov'nor Taft has been in Rome showin' th' wurruld how succissful,
+sthraightforward, downright, outspoken, manly, frank, fourteen
+ounces to th' pound American business dalings can be again' th'
+worn-out di-plomacy iv th' papal coort.  Whin last heerd fr'm
+this astoot an' able man, backed up be th' advice iv Elihoo Root
+iv York state, was makin' his way tow'rd Manila on foot, an' siv'ral
+mimbers iv th' colledge iv cardinals was heerd to regret that
+American statesmen were so thin they cudden't find anything to
+fit thim in his thrunk.
+
+"Cholera is ragin' in th' Ph'lippeens vice Gin'ral Jake Smith,
+raymoved.
+
+"Th' stock market is boomin' an' business has become so dull
+elsewhere that some iv th' best known outside operators ar-re
+obliged to increase th' depth iv th' goold coatin' on th' brick
+to nearly an inch.
+
+"Th' capital iv th' nation has raymoved to Eyesther Bay, a city
+on th' north shore iv Long Island, with a popylation iv three
+millyion clams, an' a number iv mosquitos with pianola attachments
+an' steel rams.  There day be day th' head iv th' nation thransacts
+th' nation's business as follows: four A.M., a plunge into th'
+salt, salt sea an' a swim iv twenty miles; five A.M., horse-back
+ride, th' prisidint insthructin' his two sons, aged two and four
+rayspictively, to jump th' first Methodist church without knockin'
+off th' shingles; six A.M., wrestles with a thrained grizzly bear;
+sivin A.M., breakfast; eight A.M., Indyan clubs; nine A.M., boxes
+with Sharkey; tin A.M., bates th' tinnis champeen; iliven A.M.,
+rayceives a band iv rough riders an' person'lly supervises th'
+sindin' iv th' ambylance to look afther th' injured in th' village;
+noon, dinner with Sharkey, Oscar Featherstone, th' champeen
+roller-skater iv Harvard, '98, Pro-fissor McGlue, th' archyologist,
+Lord Dum de Dum, Mike Kehoe, Immanuel Kant Gumbo, th' naygro pote,
+Horrible Hank, t' bad lands scout, Sinitor Lodge, Lucy Emerson
+Tick, th' writer on female sufferage, Mud-in-the-Eye, th' chief
+iv th' Ogallas, Gin'ral Powell Clayton, th' Mexican mine expert,
+four rough riders with their spurs on, th' Ambassadure iv France
+an' th' Cinquovasti fam'ly, jugglers.  Th' conversation, we larn
+fr'm wan iv th' guests who's our spoortin' iditor, was jined in
+be th' prisidint an' dealt with art, boxin', lithrachoor,
+horse-breakin', science, shootin', pollytics, how to kill a mountain
+line, di-plomacy, lobbing, pothry, th' pivot blow, rayform, an'
+th' campaign in Cubia.  Whin our rayporther was dhriven off th'
+premises be wan iv th' rough riders, th' head iv th' nation was
+tachin' Lord Dum de Dum an' Sicrety Hay how to do a hand-spring,
+an' th' other guests was scattered about th' lawn, boxin', rasslin',
+swingin' on th' thrapeze, ridin' th' buckin' bronco an' shootin'
+at th' naygro pote f'r th' dhrinks--in short enjyin' an ideel day
+in th' counthry.
+
+"An' that's all th' news," said Mr. Dooley.  "There ye ar-re jus'
+as if ye cud read.  That's all that's happened.  Ain't I a good
+newspaper? Not a dull line in me.  Sind in ye'er small ads."
+
+"Sure, all that's no news," said Mr. Hennessy, discontentedly.
+"Hasn't there annything happened? Hasn't anny wan been--been
+kilt?"
+
+"There ye ar-re," said Mr. Dooley.  "Be news ye mane misfortune.
+I suppose near ivry wan does.  What's wan man's news is another
+man's throubles.  In these hot days, I'd like to see a pa-aper
+with nawthin' in it but affectionate wives an' loyal husbands an'
+prosp'rous, smilin' people an' money in th' bank an' three a day.
+That's what I'm lookin' f'r in th' hot weather."
+
+"Th' newspapers have got to print what happens," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"No," said Mr. Dooley, "they've got to print what's diff'rent.
+Whiniver they begin to put headlines on happiness, contint, varchoo,
+an' charity, I'll know things is goin' as wrong with this counthry
+as I think they ar-re ivry naytional campaign."
+
+
+
+
+The End of the War
+
+
+
+"Why did th' Boers quit fightin'?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Th' supply iv British gin'rals give out," said Mr. Dooley.  "They
+were fin'lly crushed be th' surrindher iv Gin'ral Lord Mechoon.
+
+"Up to that time th' British had niver gained anny important
+advantage.  They'd surrindhered ninety or a hundherd thousan'
+private sojery, thirty or forty colonels, near all th' officers
+iv th' guards, th' Northumberland Fusileers over an' over again,
+an' Winston Churchill; they'd hurled gr-reat masses iv th' Impeeryal
+Yeomanry into th' prison camps iv th' Boers; they'd surrindhered
+rifles, an' ammunition an' pompons an' mules, but nary a British
+gin'ral among thim.  Although a smaller foorce, Hinnissy, th' Boers
+had th' advantage iv knowin' ivry foot iv th' ground they were
+fightin' on.  Manny iv thim had just gone there, while th' British
+had been on th' ground f'r three years with an opporchunity to
+f'rget something ivry hour.  Th' crafty Dutch, marchin' almost as
+well be bright moonlight as in th' day time, proceedin' without
+rest f'r hours at a time, always placin' th' catridge in th' gun
+befure firm', hardy, vigorous an' accustomed to th' veldt, had
+eluded all attempts to hand thim th' roast beef iv Merry England
+in th' shape iv a gin'ral.
+
+"But whin Gin'ral, me Lord Kitchener, th' Great Coon Conqueror,
+wint to South Africa, like th' stern an' remorseless warryor that
+he is, he detarmined to niver rest till he had desthroyed th'
+inimy.  In less thin two years, he had evolved his sthrategy.  I
+will tell ye what it was, because ye're inthrested in military
+plans.  He spread his magnificent army iv gallant Britons out in
+a long line that sthretched clane acrost th' counthry, wan yeoman
+deep.  Thin, accompanied be his sub-gin'rals, he moved out in th'
+followin' ordher.  I'll dhraw it f'r ye, as I see it in th' pa-aper.
+Here ye ar-re:
+
+"The band,
+
+"Gin'ral Lord Kitchener, K.C.B., K.N., K.L.K., G.K.R. (with medals),
+
+"The other gin'rals,
+
+"Pianos, Pianolas, Cottage Organs, Ping Pong Sets, Tennis Bats,
+Bridge Scores, Cricket Stumps, War Corryspondints,
+
+"Th' Avingin' Line,
+
+"Their horses,
+
+"Their ammunition,
+
+"Their Food, and
+
+"Their Rifles.
+
+"As th' dhread formation moved off in th' bright sunlight iv that
+fair day in March, with th' band playin' a quick shtep an' th'
+colors flyin' in th' air, it was a sight to make ivry Englishman
+proud iv th' fact that he had to be an Englishman.  Detarmination
+was written in ivry face--th' detarmination to go on at anny risk
+till tea time.  No flinchin', no hisitation, ivry man with his
+head erect an' th' feelin' in his heart that on him rested th'
+security iv th' impire if so.  On, an' iver on they marched, fr'm
+Spimfontein, past th' gleamin' spires iv Wa-aberneck, till they
+saw in th' distance th' long, low line iv purple light that marked
+th' walls iv Boobenastofein.  It was thin four o'clock P.M., an'
+th' column halted while th' bugles blew th' cheery call to tea.
+Eager hands unshipped th' marmalade an' opened th' caddies, bread
+was toasted on th' small stoves carrid be ivry officer's valet,
+th' pickets an' scouts were dispatched f'r plum cake an' f'rgettin'
+f'r a moment th' thriles iv th' campaign, th' rough warryors
+indulged in that repast that has done so much to make Englishmen
+what they are.  At siven, havin' taken all precautions, havin'
+placed th' powdher in a cool runnin' brook an' tethered th' mules
+to th' rifles, th' vast army slept.  It was breakfast time whin
+th' God iv Slumber was dhriven off be th' other British God iv
+Appetite.  Such, Hinnissy, is th' brief story iv Gin'ral Kitchener's
+cillybrated dhrive, as I read it in th' pa-apers.
+
+"To some extint it was succissful an' to some other extints not.
+Th' bands were good.  Th' tea was fine, though some prefer Oolong.
+Rifles, pompons, mules, fusileers, etcethry had been lost.  But
+not wan British gin'ral had been captured.  Not wan.  They were
+all at breakfast an' th' great heart iv th' British nation was
+sad.  Th' great heart begun to grumble, which is a way th' great
+heart iv a nation has.  It ast what was th' use iv this costly
+manoover--if they was as manny gin'rals left afther it as befure.
+While in this mood, it was ilicthryfied be a piece iv startlin'
+intilligince.  Th' whisper ran round, grew to be a murmur, increased
+to a roar, mounted to a shriek that Mechoon was captured.
+
+"It seemed too good to be thrue.  No wan cud believe it at first.
+But fin'lly it was officially announced in Parlymint be that hot
+headed ol' pathrite, Lord Salsberry himsilf.  In a voice choked
+be emotion he arose an' give three cheers.  Afther which he read
+Gin'ral Kitchener's dispatch: 'I have th' pleasure to rayport that
+yisterdah at nine o'clock Lord Mechoon be a superb sthrategy had
+himsilf surrounded be an infeeryor foorce iv Boers undher Gin'ral
+Delaney or some such name.  Our cust'mary precaution iv dhrawin'
+in th' pickets afther nightfall an' buryin' our rifles, which had
+repeatedly failed in th' past owin' to th' caution iv th' Boers,
+wurruked admirably.  Gin'ral Delaney was completely taken be
+surprise an' befure he cud recover, Lord Mechoon had thrown himsilf
+around his neck an' given him his cigreet case in token iv submission.
+Th' command behaved with gr-reat gallantry.  In wan case, a
+whole comp'ny surrindhered to wan Boer.  I am sindin' ricommindations
+f'r th' Victorya cross be freight.  Unforchunitly our casulties
+were very heavy.  Mesilf an' nearly all th' other gin'rals escaped
+capture.  But betther luck nex' time.  Gin'ral Dewet is about a
+mile fr'm here, if in Africa at all, or indeed, livin'.  Gin'ral
+Botha is said to be in Ioway, though ye can't believe ivrything
+ye see in th' pa-apers.  Wan or th' other may be enthrapped into
+kidnapin' me.  In th' manetime I am plannin' right along.  I sleep
+constantly in clothes becomin' me station, an' th' impire may rely
+on me not makin' a show iv mesilf whin I am took.  Ye'ers hopefully,
+Kitchener.'
+
+"Th' Boers niver raycovered fr'm th' tur'ble blow.  Their spirits
+was crushed.  Their hopes had fled.  Th' kindergartens had opened
+an' manny iv their bravest warryors had been carried off be their
+mothers.  Anny moment they might be surrounded an' surrindhered
+to.  So wan mornin' th' entire mighty army, th' whole thirty-two
+iv them, histed th' white flag an' presinted their bill."
+
+"An' so th' war is over?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"On'y part iv it," said Mr. Dooley.  "Th' part that ye see in th'
+pitcher pa-apers is over, but th' tax collector will continyoo
+his part iv th' war with relentless fury.  Cav'lry charges are not
+th' on'y wars in a rale war."
+
+
+
+
+Newport
+
+
+
+"About this time ivry year," said Mr. Dooley, "I go to Newport f'r
+th' summer."
+
+"Ye go where?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"I go to Newport," said Mr. Dooley, calmly, "in th' pa-apers.
+Newport's always there.  I may not find annything about th' fire
+at th' yards or th' war in th' Ph'lippeens, but if Mrs. Rasther
+opens a can iv salmon or pounds th' top off an egg, it's down in
+black an' white be th' fearless hands iv th' iditor.  'Tis a
+gr-reat joy bein' lithry an' knowin' how to read.  Th' air is
+hot in Ar-rchey Road; ye can see it.  It looks an' feels like
+hot soup with people floatin' around in it like viggytables.  Th'
+smoke poors fr'm th' chimbly iv th' rollin' mills an' comes right
+down on th' sthreet an' jines us.  People ar-re lyin' out iv
+doors with their mouths open.  They'se a gr-reat dale iv cholery
+infantum an' a few deleeryam thremens.  If I cudden't read I'd be
+hot about th' weather an' things.  But whin th' day is darkest an'
+I don't want to see me best cukkin' frind, I takes me yacht at th'
+top iv page eight an' goes sailin' off to Newport in me shirt
+sleeves with twelve inches iv malt in th' hook iv me thumb, an'
+there I stay till I want to come back an' rest.
+
+"'Th' autymobill season has opened in deadly earnest.  Manny new
+machines is seen daily an' wan iv th' delights iv th' summer colony
+is to go out iv an avenin' an' see th' farmers iv th' neighborhood
+pluckin' their horses fr'm th' top branches iv threes.  Th' younger
+Hankerbilt has atthracted much attintion be his acc'rate ridin'.
+Th' other day he made a scoor iv eight fr'm a runnin' start in
+tin minyits an' this in spite iv th' fact that he was obliged to
+come back to th' last wan, a Swede named Olson, an' bump him over
+again.
+
+"'Misther Graball, th' Muskegon millionaire who got into s'ciety
+las' year be dyin' his hair green an' givin' a dinner at which all
+th' guests rayceived a lumber mill as sooveneers, has returned
+suddenly fr'm th' West an' his house party is over.'
+
+"'Little Aigrette Vandycooker has a tooth, her elder sister a
+markess, an' her mother a siparation.'
+
+"'Misther an' Mrs. Roger Smitherson an' frind ar-re spindin' th'
+summer at frind's house.'
+
+"Gin'rally we lade a life iv quite an' iligant luxury.  Wud ye
+like a line on me daily routine? Well, in th' mornin' a little
+spin in me fifty-horse power 'Suffer-little-childher,' in th'
+afthernoon a whirl over th' green wathers iv th' bay in me
+goold-an'-ivory yacht, in th' avenin' dinner with a monkey or
+something akelly as good, at night a few leads out iv th' wrong
+hand, some hasty wurruds an' so to bed.  Such is th' spoortin'
+life in Rhode Island, th' home iv Roger Williams an' others not
+so much.  It grows tiresome afther awhile.  I confess to ye,
+Algernon Hinnissy, that befure th' monkey was inthrajooced, I was
+sufferin' fr'm what Hogan calls onwee, which is th' same thing as
+ingrowin' money.  I had got tired iv puttin' new storeys on me
+cottage an' ridin' up in th' ilivator fr'm th' settin' room on
+th' eighth flure to th' dinin' room on th' twinty-ninth, I didn't
+care about ayether thrap-shootin' or autymobillin', I felt like
+givin' a cawrnation dinner to th' poor iv th' village an' feedin'
+thim me polo ponies, I didn't care whether th' champagne bar'ls
+was kept iced, whether th' yacht was as long as th' wan ownded be
+th' Ginger Snap king nex' dure, whether I had three or tin millyon
+dollars in me pants pocket in th' mornin' or whether th' Poles in
+th' coal mine was sthrikin' f'r wan dollar an' forty-siven or wan
+dollar an' forty-eight cints a day.  I was tired iv ivrything.
+Life had me be th' throat, th' black dog was on me back.  I felt
+like suicide or wurruk.   Thin come th' bright idee iv me young
+frind an' th' monkey saved me.  He give me something to live f'r.
+Perhaps we too may be monkeys some day an' be amusin'.  We don't
+talk half as loud or look half as foolish or get dhrunk half as
+quick, but give us a chanst.  We're a young people an' th' monkeys
+is an old, old race.  They've been Newportin' f'r cinchries.  Sure
+that ol' la-ad who said man was descinded fr'm monkeys knew what
+he was talkin' about.  Descinded, but how far?
+
+"Now, don't go gettin' cross about th' rich, Hinnissy.  Put up
+that dinnymite.  Don't excite ye'ersilf about us folks in Newport.
+It's always been th' same way, Father Kelly tells me.  Says he:
+'If a man is wise, he gets rich an' if he gets rich, he gets
+foolish, or his wife does.  That's what keeps th' money movin'
+around.  What comes in at th' ticker goes out at th' wine agent.
+F'river an' iver people have been growin' rich, goin' down to some
+kind iv a Newport, makin' monkeys iv thimsilves an' goin' back to
+th' jungle.  'Tis a steady pro-cission.  Aisy come, lazy go.  In
+ivry little hamlet in this broad land, there's some man with a
+broad jaw an' th' encouragement iv a good woman, makin' ready to
+shove some other man off his steam yacht.  At this very minyit
+whin I speak, me frind Jawn Grates has his eye on Hankerbilk's
+house.  He wud swing a hammock in th' woodshed this year, but nex'
+he may have his feet up on th' bannister iv th' front stoop.  Whin
+a captain iv industhry stops dhrinkin' at th' bar, he's near his
+finish.  If he ain't caught in his own person, th' constable will
+get to his fam'ly.  Ye read about th' union iv two gr-reat
+fortunes.  A dollar meets another dollar, they are conganial, have
+sim'lar tastes, an' manny mutual frinds.  They are marrid an' bring
+up a fam'ly iv pennies, dimes, thirty-cintses an' countherfeits.
+An' afther awhile, th' fam'ly passes out iv circylation.  That's
+th' histhry iv it,' says Father Kelly.  'An',' says he,' I'm glad
+there is a Newport,' he says.  'It's th' exhaust pipe,' he says.
+'Without it we might blow up,' he says.  'It's th' hole in th' top
+iv th' kettle,' he says.  'I wish it was bigger,' he says."
+
+"Oh, well," said Mr. Hennessy, "we are as th' Lord made us."
+
+"No," said Mr. Dooley, "lave us be fair.  Lave us take some iv th'
+blame oursilves."
+
+
+
+
+Arctic Exploration
+
+
+
+"This here business iv Artic exploration's th' gran' pursoot,"
+said Mr. Dooley.  "A gran', comfortable, fightin', quarrelin'
+business."
+
+"What's it all about?" asked Mr. Hennessy.  "Why shud annywan want
+to go to th' North Pole? Ain't it cold enough here?"
+
+"I niver cud quite make it out," said Mr. Dooley.  "I've heerd
+tell that years ago, befure th' fire or th' war, some wan had an
+idee in his foolish head that they was a gran' sea up there with
+blue wather dimplin' in th' moonlight an' cocynut threes growin'
+on th' shore an' if a man cud on'y get in with his boat, he cud
+sail around th' wurruld an' fetch up in Chiny.  That idee blew up
+an' thin some wan said 'twud be a fine thing f'r science if a white
+man cud get to th' North Pole.  What he'd do if he got there no
+wan has anny thought.  Accordin' to what I hear, th' North Pole
+ain't like a tillygraft pole, a barber pole, a fishin' pole, a
+clothes pole, a poll-tax, a Maypole, a Russhyan Pole, or annything
+that ye can see, smell or ate.  Whin ye get to it, it is no diff'rent
+fr'm bein' annywhere on th' ice.  Th' on'y way ye know ye're there
+is be consultin' a pocket arithmetic, a watch an' a compass.  Don't
+get it into ye'er head that if me frind Baldwin or Peary iver wint
+north iv Milwaukee an' come acrost th' North Pole they'd carve
+their names on it or hist a flag over it or bring it home with
+thim on a thruck an' set it up on th' lake front.  Th' north pole
+is a gigantic column iv cold air, some says hot, an' an enthusyastic
+explorer that wasn't lookin' where he wint might pass right through
+it without knowin'.
+
+"In th' arly days whin an explorer wint off to find th' Pole, he
+bought himsilf a sheepskin coat, a couple iv dogs, a pair iv skates,
+an' a bottle iv pickled onions an' set out bravely, an' th' people
+watched th' fam'ly to see what other form th' lunacy wud take.
+Afther awhile he ayether come back or he didn't.  Sometimes th'
+Esqueemo lady didn't care to lave her pleasant home in th' land
+iv perpetchool blubber an' in that case th' hardy mariner remained
+in th' frozen north.  I niver cud see th' advantages iv life in
+th' Artic regions.  'Tis thrue th' nights is six months long an'
+sleep is wan iv th' spoorts that age hasn't deprived me iv.  It
+mus' be a gr-reat counthry f'r burglars.  But f'r a plain wurrukin'
+man it's very thryin'.  Think iv a six months' wurrukin' day.  Ye
+get ye'er breakfast at sun-up in March an' ye don't set down to
+dinner till th' first iv June.  Thin comes a long afthernoon an'
+I tell ye whin th' whistle blows at six o'clock October, it's a
+welcome sound it sinds to ye'er ears.  Ye go home an' all th'
+childher has growed up an' th' news in th' mornin' pa-per is six
+months' old.  Ye lie around readin' an' playin' cards f'r a month
+or two an' thin ye yawn an' set th' alarm clock f'r March an' says:
+'Mah, it's th' fifteenth iv Novimber an' time th' childher was
+abed,' an' go to sleep.  About Christmas th' good woman wakes ye
+up to look f'r th' burglar an' afther ye've paddled around in th'
+ice floe f'r a week, ye climb back into bed grumblin' an' go to
+sleep again.  Afther awhile ye snore an' th' wife iv ye'er bosom
+punches ye.  'What time is it?' says ye.  'It's a quarther past
+th' fifteenth iv Janooary,' says she, 'an' that siren iv ye'ers
+has been goin' since New Year's day.' At March ye ar-re aroused
+be th' alarm clock an' ye go out to feed th' seals an' I tell ye,
+ye need a shave.  It mus' be a quare sinsation to wake up in th'
+mornin' an' find that th' kid ye tucked into bed th' night befure
+has grown side-whiskers in his sleep an' his feet has pushed out
+th' foot iv th' cradle.  Not f'r my money, Hinnissy.  Th' Artic
+regions f'r thim that likes thim but give me a land where ye don't
+tell th' time iv day be th' almynac.
+
+"But other people is diff'rent.  Th' boldest Artic explorer is a
+man that's made his money out iv sellin' base-burnin' stoves an'
+has chillblains in July.  Such a man is niver continted till he's
+started somebody off f'r th' northest north.  An' he has no throuble
+to find a man.  Nex' to bein' invited on a private yacht to sail
+in th' Middyteranyan, th' nicest thing a millyonaire can do f'r
+ye is to make an Artic explorer iv ye.  Th' prelim'naries is great
+spoort.  F'r two years ye go round th' counthry letchrin' on 'What
+I will see in th' Artic regions whin I get there if at all.' Fin'lly
+ye set off with th' fleet, consistin' iv a ship f'r ye'ersilf,
+three f'r th' provisions, two f'r th' clothes an' wan f'r th'
+diaries.  They'se also a convoy.  Th' business iv th' convoy is
+to dhrop in at Thromsoe in Norway an' ast f'r news iv ye.  Thromsoe
+is wan iv th' farthest north places that anny explorer has been.
+But it well repays a visit, bein' a thrivin', bustlin' Swede city
+with a good club.  Afther th' long sthruggle with th' pitiliss ice
+machine it is very pleasant to dhrop in on this hospital community
+an' come back that night be thrain.  Well, as I was sayin', wan
+explorer starts off in a fur suit an' has th' time iv his life an'
+th' other explorer stays at home an' suffers th' crool hardships
+an' bitther disapp'intments iv life in Brooklyn.  Lashed to his
+rockin' chair, he shivers ivry time th' wind blows an' he thinks
+iv his hardy partner facin' th' purls iv that far-off region iv
+ice an' snow an' funny little Esqueemo women in union garments iv
+fur.  'He's in Greenland now; he's battlin' with th' deadly ice
+floe; now he's rasslin' with a Polar bear; he's up; he's away;
+he's reached th' Pole; he's pullin' it up be th' roots; bravo
+Baldy!' An' so he goes till his hands is all chapped fr'm thinkin'
+iv th' cold an' his leg is lame fr'm th' encounther with a Polar
+bear an' his rockin' chair is in danger iv bein' dashed to pieces
+again' th' threacherous pianny.  An' wan day a message comes fr'm
+th' other explorer: 'Rio Janeiro.  We have rayturned, baffled but
+not defeated.  Th' pickled walnuts give out befure we reached th'
+West Indies.  As far as we've gone we've had excellent raysults.
+Th' cap'n, th' mate, th' cook, th' stewart an' eighty per cint iv
+th' crew is in ir'ns an' as soon as I've got this tillygram off
+I'm goin' in to punch th' surgeon.  I congratylate ye.  Ye'er name
+will stand high among th' binnyfactors iv science.  We have
+demonsthrated beyond fear iv conthrydiction that th' gulf sthream
+is jus' where it was an' that volcanoes ain't what they are cracked
+up to be.  Our motto is: "Niver give up th' ship.  It's too
+comfortable." Who's ye'er banker here?' Whin th' millyionaire dies
+iv exposure, a victim to science, th' mariner rayturns an' letchers
+on th' subject: 'Quarrels I have had in th' frozen north.' Talk
+about th' terrors, iv Artic exploration, Hinnissy! There's where
+ye get thim.  Did ye iver go to an Artic exploration letcher? I
+did wanst.  They was wan down at th' brothers' school las' winther.
+I've been lame iver since.
+
+"None iv it in mine, if ye plaze.  It's too hot wurrik in thim
+clothes.  An' aven if ye get up near th' pole, what's it good f'r?
+Th' climate is disagreeable, an' th' s'ciety is monotonous.
+Ivrybody dhresses alike.  Th' wan tailor makes th' clothes f'r
+pah, mah, Lucille an' th' Polar bear out iv th' same patthern.
+If ye go to coort a girl, ye don't know befure she speaks whether
+'tis hersilf or her Uncle Mike.  I heerd iv an Artic explorer wanst
+that held hands with a Swede sicond mate f'r over an hour befure
+he ralized his mistake.
+
+"No, sir, no Artic explorations f'r me, ayether pers'nally or be
+check.  But if I did go into it, I know who I'd sind.  I'd not
+fool around with people who begin to cough within sight iv th' car
+barns.  I'd utilize th' folks in th' neighborhood.  I'd pathronize
+home industhries.  Th' Pole f'r th' polars, says I.  They mus' be
+hundherds iv la-ads up in that part iv th' wurruld that'd be
+willin' to earn an honest dollar be discoverin' th' pole.  With
+thim 'twud be like ye goin' down to explore th' stock yards.  I
+bet manny iv thim knows th' pole as well as I know Haley's slough.
+Ye'd prob'ly find they've hung their washin' on it f'r years an'
+manny iv th' kids has shinned up it."
+
+"Who'd ye sind?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Esqueemos," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+
+
+
+Machinery
+
+
+
+Mr. Dooley was reading from a paper.
+
+"'We live,' he says, 'in an age iv wondhers.  Niver befure in th'
+histhry iv th' wurruld has such progress been made.'
+
+"Thrue wurruds an' often spoken.  Even in me time things has
+changed.  Whin I was a la-ad Long Jawn Wintworth cud lean his
+elbows on th' highest buildin' in this town.  It took two months
+to come here fr'm Pittsburg on a limited raft an' a stage coach
+that run fr'm La Salle to Mrs. Murphy's hotel.  They wasn't anny
+tillygraft that I can raymimber an' th' sthreet car was pulled be
+a mule an' dhruv be an engineer be th' name iv Mulligan.  We thought
+we was a pro-grissive people.  Ye bet we did.  But look at us
+today.  I go be Casey's house tonight an' there it is a fine
+storey-an'-a-half frame house with Casey settin' on th' dure shtep
+dhrinkin' out iv a pail.  I go be Casey's house to-morrah an'
+it's a hole in th' groun'.  I rayturn to Casey's house on Thursdah
+an' it's a fifty-eight storey buildin' with a morgedge onto it an'
+they're thinkin' iv takin' it down an' replacin' it with a modhren
+sthructure.  Th' shoes that Corrigan th' cobbler wanst wurruked
+on f'r a week, hammerin' away like a woodpecker, is now tossed out
+be th' dozens fr'm th' mouth iv a masheen.  A cow goes lowin'
+softly in to Armours an' comes out glue, beef, gelatine, fertylizer,
+celooloid, joolry, sofy cushions, hair restorer, washin' sody,
+soap, lithrachoor an' hed springs so quick that while aft she's
+still cow, for'ard she may be annything fr'm huttons to Pannyma
+hats. I can go fr'm Chicago to New York in twinty hours, but I
+don't have to, thank th' Lord.  Thirty years ago we thought 'twas
+marvelous to be able to tillygraft a man in Saint Joe an' get an
+answer that night. Now, be wireless tillygraft ye can get an answer
+befure ye sind th' tillygram if they ain't careful.  Me friend
+Macroni has done that.  Be manes iv his wondher iv science a man
+on a ship in mid-ocean can sind a tillygram to a man on shore, if
+he has a confid'rate on board.  That's all he needs.  Be mechanical
+science an' thrust in th' op'rator annywan can set on th' shore
+iv Noofoundland an' chat with a frind in th' County Kerry.
+
+"Yes, sir, mechanical science has made gr-reat sthrides.  Whin I
+was a young man we used to think Hor'ce Greeley was th' gr-reatest
+livin' American.  He was a gran' man, a gran' man with feathers
+beneath his chin an' specs on his nose like th' windows in a diver's
+hemlet. His pollyticks an' mine cudden't live in th' same neighborhood
+but he was a gran' man all th' same.  We used to take th' Cleveland
+Plain Daler in thim days f'r raycreation an' th' New York Thrybune
+f'r exercise. 'Twas considhered a test iv a good natured dimmycrat
+if he cud read an article in th' Thrybune without havin' to do th'
+stations iv th' cross aftherward f'r what he said.  I almost did
+wanst but they was a line at th' end about a frind iv mine be th'
+name iv Andhrew Jackson an' I wint out an' broke up a Methodist
+prayer meetin'.  He was th' boy that cud put it to ye so that if
+ye voted th' dimmycrat tickit it was jus' th' same as demandin'
+a place in purgytory.  Th' farmers wud plant annything fr'm a
+ruty baga to a congressman on his advice.  He niver had money enough
+to buy a hat but he cud go to th' sicrety iv th' threasury an'
+tell him who's pitcher to put on th' useful valentines we thrade
+f'r groceries.
+
+"But if Hor'ce Greeley was alive today where'd he be? Settin' on
+three inches iv th' edge iv a chair in th' outside office iv me
+frind Pierpont Morgan waitin' f'r his turn.  In th' line is th'
+Imp'ror iv Germany, th' new cook, th' prisidint iv a railroad, th'
+cap'n iv th' yacht, Rimbrandt th' painther, Jawn W. Grates, an'
+Hor'ce.  Afther awhile th' boy at th' dure says: 'Ye're next, ol'
+party.  Shtep lively f'r th' boss has had a Weehawken Peerooginy
+sawed off on him this mornin' an' he mustn't he kep' waitin'.' An'
+th' iditor goes in.  'Who ar-re ye?' says th' gr-reat man,
+givin' him wan iv thim piercin' looks that whin a man gets it he
+has to be sewed up at wanst.  'I'm ye'er iditor,' says Hor'ce.
+'What's ye'er spishilty?' 'Tahriff an' th' improvemint iv th'
+wurruld,' says Hor'ce.  'See Perkins,' says Pierpont, an' th'
+intherview is over.  Now what's made th' change? Mechanical Science,
+Hinnissy.  Some wan made a masheen that puts steel billets within
+th' reach iv all.  Hince Charlie Schwab.
+
+"What's it done f'r th' wurruld? says ye.  It's done ivrything.
+It's give us fast ships an' an autymatic hist f'r th' hod, an'
+small flats an' a taste iv solder in th' peaches.  If annybody
+says th' wurruld ain't betther off thin it was, tell him that a
+masheen has been invinted that makes honey out iv pethrolyum.  If
+he asts ye why they ain't anny Shakesperes today, say: 'No, but
+we no longer make sausages he hand.'
+
+"'Tis pro-gress.  We live in a cinchry iv pro-gress an' I thank
+th' Lord I've seen most iv it.  Man an' boy I've lived pretty near
+through this wondherful age.  If I was proud I cud say I seen more
+thin Julyus Caesar iver see or cared to.  An' here I am, I'll not
+say how old, still pushin' th' malt acrost th' counther at me
+thirsty counthrymen.  All around me is th' refinemints iv mechanical
+janius.  Instead iv broachin' th' beer kag with a club an' dhrawin'
+th' beer through a fassit as me Puritan forefathers done, I have
+that wondher iv invintive science th' beer pump.  I cheat mesilf
+with a cash raygisther.  I cut off th' end iv me good cigar with
+an injanyous device an' pull th' cork out iv a bottle with a
+conthrivance that wud've made that frind that Hogan boasts about,
+that ol' boy Archy Meeds, think they was witchcraft in th' house.
+Science has been a gr-reat blessin' to me.  But amidst all these
+granjoors here am I th' same ol' antiquated combination iv bellows
+an' pump I always was.  Not so good.  Time has worn me out.  Th'
+years like little boys with jackknives has carved their names in
+me top.  Ivry day I have to write off something f'r deprecyation.
+'Tis about time f'r whoiver owns me to wurruk me off on a thrust.
+Mechanical science has done ivrything f'r me but help me.  I suppose
+I ought to feel supeeryor to me father.  He niver see a high buildin'
+but he didn't want to.  He cudden't come here in five days but he
+was a wise man an' if he cud've come in three he'd have stayed
+in th' County Roscommon.
+
+"Th' pa-apers tells me that midical science has kept pace with
+th' hop-skip-an'-a-jump iv mechanical inginooty.  Th' doctors has
+found th' mickrobe iv ivrything fr'm lumbago to love an' fr'm
+jandice to jealousy, but if a brick bounces on me head I'm crated
+up th' same as iv yore an' put away.  Rockyfellar can make a pianny
+out iv a bar'l iv crude ile, but no wan has been able to make a
+blade iv hair grow on Rockyfellar.  They was a doctor over in
+France that discovered a kind iv a thing that if 'twas pumped into
+ye wud make ye live till people got so tired iv seein' ye around
+they cud scream.  He died th' nex' year iv premachure ol' age.
+They was another doctor cud insure whether th' flex' wan wud be a
+boy or a girl.  All ye had to do was to decide wud it be Arthur
+or Ethel an' lave him know.  He left a fam'ly iv unmarredgeable
+daughters.
+
+"I sometimes wondher whether pro-gress is anny more thin a kind
+iv a shift.  It's like a merry-go-round.  We get up on a speckled
+wooden horse an' th' mechanical pianny plays a chune an' away we
+go, hollerin'.  We think we're thravellin' like th' divvle but th'
+man that doesn't care about merry-go-rounds knows that we will
+come back where we were.  We get out dizzy an' sick an' lay on th'
+grass an' gasp: 'Where am I? Is this th' meelin-yum?' An' he says:
+'No, 'tis Ar-rchey Road.' Father Kelly says th' Agyptians done
+things we cudden't do an' th' Romans put up sky-scrapers an' aven
+th' Chinks had tillyphones an' phony-grafts.
+
+"I've been up to th' top iv th' very highest buildin' in town,
+Hinnissy, an' I wasn't anny nearer Hivin thin if I was in th'
+sthreet.  Th' stars was as far away as iver.  An' down beneath is
+a lot iv us runnin' an' lapin' an' jumpin' about, pushin' each other
+over, haulin' little sthrips iv ir'n to pile up in little buildin's
+that ar-re called sky-scrapers but not be th' sky; wurrukin' night
+an' day to make a masheen that'll carry us fr'm wan jack-rabbit
+colony to another an' yellin', 'Pro-gress! 'Pro-gress, oho! I can
+see th' stars winkin' at each other an' sayin': 'Ain't they funny!
+Don't they think they're playin' hell!'
+
+"No, sir, masheens ain't done much f'r man.  I can't get up anny
+kind iv fam'ly inthrest f'r a steam dredge or a hydhraulic hist.
+I want to see sky-scrapin' men.  But I won't.  We're about th'
+same hight as we always was, th' same hight an' build, composed
+iv th' same inflammable an' perishyable mateeryal, an exthra
+hazardous risk, unimproved an' li'ble to collapse.  We do make
+pro-gress but it's th' same kind Julyus Caesar made an' ivry wan
+has made befure or since an' in this age iv masheenery we're still
+burrid be hand."
+
+"What d'ye think iv th' man down in Pinnsylvanya who says th' Lord
+an' him is partners in a coal mine?" asked Mr. Hennessy, who wanted
+to change the subject.
+
+"Has he divided th' profits?" asked Mr. Dooley.
+
+
+
+
+Swearing
+
+
+
+Did ye see what th' prisidint said to th' throlley man that bumped
+him?" asked Mr. Dooley.
+
+"I did not," said Mr. Hennessy.  "What was it?"
+
+"I can't tell ye till I get mad," said Mr. Dooley.  "Lave us go
+into ixicutive sission.  Whisper.  That was it.  Ha, ha.  He give
+it to him sthraight.  A good, honest, American blankety-blank.
+Rale language like father used to make whin he hit his thumb with
+th' hammer.  No 'With ye'er lave' or 'By ye'er lave,' but a dacint
+'Damn ye, sir,' an' a little more f'r th' sake iv imphasis.
+
+"What else wud ye have him do? 'Twas nayether th' time nor th'
+occasion, as th' candydate said whin they ast him where he got his
+money, 'twas nayether th' time nor th' occasion f'r wurruds that
+wud be well rayceived at Chatauqua.  A throlley car had pushed him
+an' diplomatic relations was suspinded.  He was up on top iv a
+bus, hurryin' fr'm speech to speech an' thinkin' what to say next.
+'Th' thrusts,' says he to himsilf, ' are heejous monsthers built
+up be th' inlightened intherprise iv th' men that have done so
+much to advance pro-gress in our beloved counthry,' he says.  'On
+wan hand I wud stamp thim undher fut; on th' other hand not so
+fast.  What I want more thin th' bustin' iv th' thrusts is to see
+me fellow counthrymen happy an' continted.  I wudden't have thim
+hate th' thrusts.  Th' haggard face, th' droopin' eye, th' pallid
+complexion that marks th' inimy iv thrusts is not to me taste.
+Lave us be merry about it an' jovial an' affectionate.  Lave us
+laugh an' sing th' octopus out iv existence.  Betther blue but
+smilin' lips anny time thin a full coal scuttle an' a sour heart.
+As Hogan says, a happy peasanthry is th' hope iv th' state.  So
+lave us warble ti-lire-a-lay--' Jus' thin Euclid Aristophanes
+Madden on th' quarther deck iv th' throlley car give a twisht to
+his brake an' th' chief ixicutive iv th' nation wint up in th' air
+with th' song on his lips.  He wint up forty, some say, fifty feet.
+Sicrety Cortilloo says three hundherd an' fifty.  Annyhow whin he
+come down he landed nachrally on his feet.
+
+"Now, Hinnissy, no matther what a man may've been wan minyit befure
+he was hit be a throlley car, a minyit afther he's on'y a man.
+Th' throlley car plays no fav'rites.  It bounces th' high an' th'
+low alike.  It tears th' exalted fr'm their throne an' ilivates
+th' lowly.  So whin th' prisidint got back to the earth he wasn't
+prisidint anny longer but Tiddy Rosenfelt, 180 pounds iv a man.
+An' he done accordin'ly.  If it'd been Willum Jennings Bryan,
+he'd've ast th' throlley engineer was he a mimber iv th' Union.
+If he cud show a wurrukin' card he was entitled to bump anny wan.
+At worst Willum Jennings Bryan wud've written an article about
+him in th' Commoner, or if he felt unusually vindicative, maybe
+he'd sind it to him through th' mails.  Whin Sicrety Cortilloo
+come to fr'm a dhream that he'd jus' rayfused a favor to Sinitor
+Tillman, he hauled out a little note book an' got ready to take
+down something that cud be put on th' thransparencies two years
+fr'm now--something like--'No power on earth can stop American
+business entherprise.' But nawthin' that will iver be printed in
+th' first reader dhropped fr'm th' lips iv th' chief exicutive.
+With two jumps he was in th' throlley man's hair an' spoke as
+follows--No, I won't say it again.  But I'll tell ye this much, a
+barn-boss that was standin' by an' heerd it, said he niver befure
+regretted his father hadn't sint him to Harvard.
+
+"We know what Wash'nton said to his gin'rals an' what Grant said
+to Lee an' what Cleveland said to himsilf.  They're in th' books.
+But engraved in th' hearth iv his counthrymen is what Rosenfelt
+said to th' throlley man.  'Twas good because 'twas so nachral.
+Most iv th' sayin's I've read in books sounds as though they was
+made be a patent inkybator.  They go with a high hat an' a white
+tie.  Ye can hear th' noise iv th' phonygraft.  But this here jim
+of emotion an' thought come sthraight fr'm th' heart an' wint right
+to th' heart.  That's wan reason I think a lot iv us likes Tiddy
+Rosenfelt that wudden't iver be suspicted iv votin' f'r him.  Whin
+he does anny talkin'--which he sometimes does--he talks at th' man
+in front iv him.  Ye don't hear him hollerin' at posterity.
+Posterity don't begin to vote till afther th' polls close.  So whin
+he wished to convey to th' throlley man th' sintimints iv his bosom,
+he done it in wurruds suited to th' crisis, as Hogan wud say.  They
+do say his remarks singed th' hair off th' head iv th' unforchnit
+man.
+
+"I don't believe in profanity, Hinnissy--not as a reg'lar thing.
+But it has its uses an' its place.  F'r instance, it is issintial
+to some thrades.  No man can be a printer without swearin'.  'Tis
+impossible.  I mind wanst I wint to a printin' office where a frind
+iv mine be th' name iv Donovan held cases an' I heerd th' foreman
+say: 'What gintleman is setting A thirty?' he says.  'I am,' says
+a pale aristocrat with black whiskers who was atin' tobacco in th'
+rear iv th' room.  'Thin,' says th' foreman, 'ye blankety-blank
+blacksmith, get a move on ye.  D'ye think this is a annyooal
+incyclopejee?' he says.  Ivrybody swore at ivrybody else.  Th'
+little boys runnin' around with type prattled innocent pro-fanity
+an' afther awhile th' iditor come in an' he swore more thin annybody
+else.  But 'twas aisy to see he'd not lamed th' thrade iv printer.
+He swore with th' enthusyasm an' inacc'racy iv an amachoor, though
+I mus' say, he had his good pints.  I wisht I cud raymimber what
+it was he called th' Czar iv Rooshya f'r dyin' jus' as th' pa-aper
+was goin' to press.  I cud've often used it since.  But it's slipped
+me mind.
+
+"Swearin' belongs to some thrades,--like printin', bricklayin' an'
+plumbin'.  It is no help at all, at all to tailors, shoemakers,
+hair-dressers, dintists or authors.  A surgeon needs it but a
+doctor niver.  It is a great help in unloadin' a ship an' sailor
+men always swear--th' cap'n an' mate whin wurruk is goin' on an'
+th' men befure th' mast at meals.  Sojers mus' swear.  They'se no
+way out iv it.  It's as much th' equipment iv a sojer as catridges.
+In vigorous spoort it is niciss'ry but niver at checkers or chess
+an' sildom at dominoes.  Cowboys are compelled to use it.  No wan
+cud rope a cow or cinch a pony without swearin'.  A sthrick bringin'
+up is th' same as havin' a wooden leg on th' plains.  Profanity
+shud be used sparingly if at all on childher--especially girls--an'
+sildom on women, though I've knowed an occasional domestic: 'Damn
+ye'er eyes' to wurruk wondhers in reg-latin' a fam'ly.  Women can't
+swear.  They have th' feelin' but not th' means.  Westhern men
+swear betther thin Eastern men though I mus' say th' mos' lib'ral
+swearers I iver knew come fr'm Boston.
+
+"But it don't do to use pro-fanity th' way ye wud ordin'ry wurruds.
+No, sir.  Ye've got to save it up an' invist it at th' right time
+or get nawthin' fr'm it.  It's betther thin a doctor f'r a stubbed
+toe but it niver cured a broken leg.  It's a kind iv a first aid
+to th' injured.  It seems to deaden th' pain.  Women an' childher
+cry or faint whin they're hurt.  That's because they haven't th'
+gift iv swearin'.  But as I tell ye, they'se no good wastin' it.
+Th' man that swears at ivrything has nawthin' to say when rale
+throubles come.  I hate to hear annywan spillin' out th' valyable
+wurruds that he ought to save to be used whin th' shtove-pipe comes
+down.  Not that it shocks me.  I'm a dimmycrat.  But I know th'
+foolish man is hurtin' himsilf.  Put a little pro-fanity by f'r
+rainy days, says I.  Ye won't miss it an' at th' end iv th' year
+whin ye renew ye'er lease ye'll be surprised to find out how much
+ye have on hand.  But if ye hurl it broadcast, if ivry time ye
+open ye'er mouth a hot wan lapes out, th' time will come whin ye'll
+want to say something scorchin' an' ye'll have nawthin' to say
+that ye haven't said f'r fun.  I'd as soon think iv swearin' f'r
+pleasure as iv lindin' money f'r pleasure.  They ain't too much
+pro-fanity in th' wurruld.  A good dale iv it has been used up
+since th' coal sthrike begun.  Th' govermint ought to presarve it
+an' prevint annywan fr'm swearin' more thin was niciss'ry f'r to
+support life.
+
+"I niver knew Father Kelly to swear but wanst.  'Twas a little
+wan, Hinnissy.  Dhropped fr'm th' lips iv a polisman it wud've
+sounded like a 'thank ye kindly.' But, be Hivins, whin I heerd it
+I thought th' roof wud fall down on th' head iv Scanlan that he
+was thryin' to show th' evil iv his ways.  Melia Murdher, but it
+was gran'! They was more varchue in that wan damn thin in a fastin'
+prayer.  Scanlan wint to wurruk th' nex' day an' he hasn't tasted
+a dhrop since.
+
+"But th' best thing about a little judicyous swearin' is that it
+keeps th' temper.  'Twas intinded as a compromise between runnin'
+away an' fightin'.  Befure it was invinted they was on'y th' two
+ways out iv an argymint."
+
+"But I've heerd ye say a man was swearin' mad," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"He wasn't fightin' mad, thin," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+
+
+
+The War Game
+
+
+
+What's this here war game I've been readin' about?" asked Mr.
+Hennessy.
+
+"It's a kind iv a blind man's buff," said Mr. Dooley.  "It's a
+thrile iv cunnin' an' darin' between th' army an' th' navy.  Be
+manes iv it we tarn whether th' inimy cud sneak into Boston afther
+dark without annywan seein' thim an' anchor in Boston common.  Ye
+an' I know diff'rent, Hinnissy.  We know how manny people are in
+th' sthreets afther dark.  But th' navy don't know an' th' army
+don't know.  Their idee is that a German fleet might gum-shoe up
+th' harbor in th' dark iv th' moon an' whin people turned out f'r
+their mornin' dhram, there wud be th' Impror Willum atin' his
+breakfast iv Hungayrian Goolash an' noodle soup on th' steps iv
+th' State House iv Matsachoosetts.  But it's a gran' game.  I'd
+like to play it mesilf.  It's as noisy as forty-fives between
+Connock men an' as harmless as a steeryopticon letcher.  If war
+an' th' war game was th' same thing, I'd be an admiral, at laste,
+be this time with me face gashed an' seamed be raspberry jam an'
+me clothes stained with English breakfast tea.
+
+"Th' navy chose to be th' inimy an' 'twas th' jooty iv th' navy
+to divastate th' New England coast.  On th' other hand, th' business
+iv th' army was to catch th' navy at its neefaryous wurruk an' tag
+it befure it cud get its fingers crost.  To play th' game well,
+th' navy must act as much like an inimy as it can an' th' army
+must pretind to be jus' as cross at th' navy as it is whin they
+are both on the same side.  Frindship ceases whin they set in.
+
+"It's a hard game to follow if ye're lookin' on an' puttin' up th'
+money as I am.  I've been readin' about it in th' pa-apers an' I
+can't make out now whether th' inimy is lootin' th' breweries iv
+Conneticut or whether th' definders iv our hearths has blown thim
+up in th' harbor iv New London.  'I have th' honor to rayport,'
+says Admiral Higginson, 'that I have this day desthroyed all th'
+forts on th' New England coast, put th' definders to rout with
+gr-reat slaughter an' kilt with me own hands Gin'ral McArthur th'
+Commander iv th' lan' foorces--a brave man but no match f'r ye'ers
+thruly.  His las' wurruds to me was "Higginson, ye done well!" I
+rayturned him his soord with th' wurruds: "Gin'ral, between two
+brave men there can be no hard feelin's." Th' battle in which me
+gallant foe met his fate was th' con-clusion iv wan iv th' mos'
+successful socyal an' naval campaigns in th' histhry iv our counthry.
+I have th' honor to inform ye that promptly on th' declaration
+iv war, I give an afthernoon tea to th' Duchess iv Marlborough.
+Th' forts at Newport attimpted to reply, but was unable to scoor
+more thin three or four westhren millyonaires an' soon succumbed
+to th' inivitable.  I thin moved up th' Sound an' fell upon Gin'ral
+McArthur whin he wasn't lookin'.  Befure he cud load his guns, we
+poored a perfect blankety-blank hell iv blank catridges on him.
+He made a spirited reply but t'was useless.  We outfought him be
+nearly fifty thousan' dollars worth iv powdher.  In th' mist iv
+th' flame an' smoke, I discerned th' caitiff foe standin' on top
+iv a fort directin' his wav'rin' foorces.  "Hi-spy, Gin'ral McArthur,"
+says I in claryon tones, an' th' battle was over to all intints
+an' purposes.  I have to ispicially commind Cap'n McWhallop who,
+findin' his boat caught between th' fires an' th' inimy, called
+out: "Lay me down, boys, an' save th' ship.  I'm full iv marmylade."
+Th' ladies aboord was perfectly delighted with th' valor an'
+hospitality iv our men.  To-night we completed our wurruk be givin'
+a dinner an' hop on boord th' flagship.  Among those presint was--'
+an' so on.
+
+"That's what th' gallant Higginson says.  But listen to what th'
+akelly gallant McArthur says: 'I have th' honor to rayport that
+mesilf an' me gallant men, but largely if I do say it that shudden't,
+mesilf, crushed an' annihilated th' inimy's fleet at high noon
+to-day.  Las' night at th' first round iv jacks, or midnight, as
+civilyans wud say, we rayceived a rayport fr'm our vigylant scouts
+that th' inimy were not at Bar Harbor, Pookypsie, Keokuk, Johannesboorg
+or Council Bluffs.  But where were they? That was th' question.
+An idee struck me.  War is as much a matther iv ingenooty an'
+thought as iv fire an' slaughter.  I sint out f'r an avenin' paper
+an' as I suspicted, it announced that th' craven foe was about
+two blocks away.  At that very moment, th' sthrains iv th' "Bloo
+Danoob" was wafted to me ears an' me suspicions was confirmed.  On
+such occasions there is no sleep f'r th' modhren sojer.  Napolyon
+wud've gone to bed but slumber niver crost me tired eyelids.  'Twas
+six o'clock whin we cashed in an' each wint to th' mournful jooties
+iv th' day, silently but with a heart full iv courage.  At high
+noon, we fell upon th' inimy an' poored out about eighty-five
+thousan' dollars worth iv near-slaughter on him.  His guns was
+choked with cotillyon favors an' he did not reply at wanst, but
+whin he did, th' scene was thruly awful.  Th' sky was blackened
+be th' smoke iv smokeless powdher an' th' air was full iv cotton
+waste fr'm th' fell injines iv desthruction.  A breeze fr'm shore
+carried out to me ears th' wails iv th' wounded tax payers.  At
+twelve fifteen, I descried th' bloodthirsty Higginson--an' a good
+fellow Caleb is at that--on th' roof iv his boat.  "Hi-spy," says
+he.  "Hi-spy ye'er gran'mother," says I.  "I've had me eye on ye
+f'r fifteen minyits an' ye're a dead man as I can prove be witnesses,"
+I says.  An' he fell off th' roof.  I was sorry to take his life
+but war knows no mercy.  He was a brave man but foolhardy.  He
+ought niver to've gone again' me.  He might've licked Cervera but
+he cudden't lick me.  We captured all th' men-iv-war, desthroyed
+most iv th' cruisers an' ar-re now usin' th' flag-ship f'r a
+run-about.  Th' counthry is safe, thanks to a vigylant an' sleepless
+army.  I will go up to New York tomorrah to be measured f'r th'
+prisintation soord."
+
+"There it is, Hinnissy.  Who won? I don't know.  I can't tell at
+this minyit whether I ought to be undher th' bed larnin' German
+f'r th' time whin a Prooshyan sojer'll poke me out with his saber,
+or down at Finucane's hall callin' a meetin' to thank th' definders
+iv th' fireside.  Nobody knows.  It's a quare game, f'r they tell
+me afther th' battles has been fought an' th' kilt has gone back
+to holeystonin' th' deck an' th' smoke fr'm th' chafin' dish has
+cleared away, th' decision is up to a good figurer at Wash'nton.
+It depinds on him whether we ar-re a free people or whether we
+wear th' yoke iv sarvichood an' bad German hats f'r all time.
+He's th' officyal scoorer an' what Higginson thinks was a base
+hit, he calls a foul an' what McArthur calls an accipted chanst
+is an error.  Afther th' gallant lads in blue an' gold has got
+through, a wathry-eyed clerk named Perkins H. Something-or-other,
+sets down an' figures out th' victhry.  Th' man behind th' fountain
+pen is th' boy.  It's up to him whether th' stars an' sthripes
+still floats over an onconquered people or whether five pfennigs
+is th' price iv a dhrink in New York.  He sets on his high stool
+an' says he: 'Five times eight is twinty-nine, subthract three
+f'r th' duchess, a quarther to one o'clock an' eighty miles fr'm
+Narragansett pier is two-an'-a-half, plus th' load-wather-line iv
+th' saloon companionway, akel to two-fifths iv th' differentyal
+tangent.  Huroo! Misther Sicrety, ye can go home an' tell ye'er
+wife th' counthry's safe.' He has to be a smart man.  A good
+book-keeper, as th' pote says, is th' counthry's on'y safety.  He
+mus' be careful, too, d'ye mind.  Th' honor iv th' army an' the
+navy is at stake.  Wan or th' other iv thim has been careless."
+
+"D'ye think a foreign fleet cud capture this counthry?" asked Mr.
+Hennessy.
+
+"Not onless it was op'rated be a throlley," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"Supposin' ye an' I had throuble, Hinnissy, an' both iv us was
+armed with bricks an' ye was on roller skates an' I was on th' top
+iv a house, how much chanst wud ye have again' me? Ships is good
+to fight other ships.  That's all.  I'd sooner be behind a bank
+iv mud thin in th' finest ship in th' wurruld.  A furrin inimy
+thryin' to get up to New York wud be like a blind burglar attimptin'
+to walk on th' top iv a hot-house with all th' neighbors an' th'
+neighbors' dogs waitin' f'r him.  Th' war game is all right.  It
+don't do anny harm.  But it's like punchin' th' bag an' I'd jus'
+as soon thrain a man f'r a fight be larnin' him to play th' mandolin,
+as be insthructin' him in bag punchin'.  It's a fine game.  I don't
+know who won, but I know who lost."
+
+"Who's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Th' threeasury," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+
+
+
+Newspaper Publicity
+
+
+
+"Was ye iver in th' pa-apers?" asked Mr. Dooley.
+
+"Wanst," said Mr. Hennessy.  "But it wasn't me.  It was another
+Hinnissy.  Was you?"
+
+"Manny times," said Mr. Dooley.  "Whin I was prom'nent socyally,
+ye cud hardly pick up a pa-aper without seein' me name in it an'
+th' amount iv th' fine.  Ye must lade a very simple life.  Th'
+newspaper is watchin' most iv us fr'm th' cradle to th' grave, an'
+befure an' afther.  Whin I was a la-ad thrippin' continted over
+th' bogs iv Roscommon, ne'er an iditor knew iv me existence, nor
+I iv his.  Whin annything was wrote about a man 'twas put this
+way: 'We undhershtand on good authority that M--l--chi H---y,
+Esquire, is on thrile before Judge G----n on an accusation iv
+l--c--ny.  But we don't think it's true.' Nowadays th' larceny is
+discovered be a newspa-aper.  Th' lead pipe is dug up in ye'er
+back yard be a rayporther who knew it was there because he helped
+ye bury it.  A man knocks at ye'er dure arly wan mornin' an' ye
+answer in ye'er nighty.  'In th' name iv th' law, I arrist ye,'
+says th' man seizin' ye be th' throat.  'Who ar-re ye?' ye cry.
+'I'm a rayporther f'r th' Daily Slooth,' says he.  'Phottygrafter,
+do ye'er jooty!' Ye're hauled off in th' circylation wagon to th'
+newspaper office, where a con-fission is ready f'r ye to sign;
+ye're thried be a jury iv th' staff, sintinced be th' iditor-in-chief
+an' at tin o'clock Friday th' fatal thrap is sprung be th' fatal
+thrapper iv th' fam'ly journal.
+
+"Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us.  It runs th' polis foorce
+an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, conthrols th' ligislachure,
+baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted,
+afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.
+They ain't annything it don't turn its hand to fr'm explaining
+th' docthrine iv thransubstantiation to composin' saleratus biskit.
+Ye can get anny kind iv information ye want to in ye'er fav'rite
+newspaper about ye'ersilf or annywan else.  What th' Czar whispered
+to th' Imp'ror Willum whin they were alone, how to make a silk
+hat out iv a wire matthress, how to settle th' coal sthrike, who
+to marry, how to get on with ye'er wife whin ye're married, what
+to feed th' babies, what doctor to call whin ye've fed thim as
+directed,--all iv that ye'll find in th' pa-apers.
+
+"They used to say a man's life was a closed book.  So it is but
+it's an open newspaper.  Th' eye iv th' press is on ye befure ye
+begin to take notice.  Th' iditor obsarves th' stork hoverin' over
+th' roof iv 2978 1/2 B Ar-rchey Road an' th' article he writes
+about it has a wink in it.  'Son an' heir arrives f'r th' Hon'rable
+Malachi Hinnissy,' says th' pa-aper befure ye've finished th'
+dhrink with th' doctor.  An' afther that th' histhry iv th'
+offspring's life is found in th' press:
+
+"'It is undhershtud that there is much excitement in th' Hinnissy
+fam'ly over namin' th' lates' sign.  Misther Hinnissy wishes it
+called Pathrick McGlue afther an uncle iv his, an' Mrs. Hinnissy
+is in favor iv namin' it Alfonsonita afther a Pullman car she seen
+wan day.  Th' Avenin Fluff offers a prize iv thirty dollars f'r
+th' bes' name f'r this projeny.  Maiden ladies will limit their
+letters to three hundherd wurruds.'
+
+"'Above is a snap shot iv young Alfonsonita McGlue Hinnissy, taken
+on his sicond birthday with his nurse, Miss Angybel Blim, th'
+well-known specyal nurse iv th' Avenin' Fluff.  At th' time th'
+phottygraft was taken, th' infant was about to bite Miss Blim which
+accounts f'r th' agynized exprission on that gifted writer's face.
+Th' Avenin Fluff offers a prize iv four dollars to th' best answer
+to th' question: "What does th' baby think iv Miss Blim?"'
+
+"'Young Alf Hinnissy was siven years ol' yisterdah.  A rayporther
+iv th' Fluff sought him out an' indeavored to intherview him on
+th' Nicaragooan Canal, th' Roomanyan Jews, th' tahriff an' th'
+thrusts.  Th' comin' statesman rayfused to be dhrawn on these
+questions, his answer bein' a ready, "Go chase ye'ersilf, ye big
+stiff!" Afther a daylightful convarsation th' rayporther left,
+bein' followed to th' gate be his janial young host who hit him
+smartly in th' back with a brick.  He is a chip iv th' ol' block.'
+
+"'Groton, Conn., April 8.  Ye'er rayporther was privileged to see
+th' oldest son iv th' Hon'rable Malachi Hinnissy started at this
+siminary f'r th' idjacation iv young Englishmen bor-rn in America.
+Th' heir iv th' Hinnissys was enthered at th' exclusive school
+thirty years befure he was bor-rn.  Owin' to th' uncertainty iv
+his ancesthors he was also enthered at Vassar.  Th' young fellow
+took a lively intherest in th' school.  Th' above phottygraft
+riprisints him mathriculatin'.  Th' figures at th' foot ar-re
+Misther an' Mrs. Hinnissy.  Those at th' head ar-re Profissor
+Peabody Plantagenet, prisident iv th' instichoochion an' Officer
+Michael H. Rafferty.  Young Hinnissy will remain here till he has
+a good cukkin' idjacation.'
+
+"'Exthry Red Speshul Midnight Edition.  Mumps! Mumps! Mumps! Th'
+heir iv th' Hinnissy's sthricken with th' turr'ble scoorge.  Panic
+on th' stock exchange.  Bereaved father starts f'r th' plague spot
+to see his afflicted son.  Phottygrafts iv Young Hinnissy at wan,
+two, three, eight an' tin.  Phottygrafts iv th' house where his
+father was born, his mother, his aunt, his uncle, Profissor
+Plantagenet, Groton School, th' gov'nor iv Connecticut, Chansy
+Depoo, statue iv Liberty, Thomas Jefferson, Niagara Falls be
+moonlight.  Diagram iv jaw an' head showin' th' prob'ble coorse
+iv the Mumpococeus.  Intherviews with J. Pierpont Morgan, Terry
+McGovern, Mary MeLain, Jawn Mitchell, Lyman J. Gage, th' Prince
+iv Wales, Sinitor Bivridge, th' Earl iv Roslyn, an' Chief Divry
+on Mumps.  We offer a prize iv thirty million dollars in advertisin'
+space f'r a cure f'r th' mumps that will save th' nation's pride.
+Later, it's croup.'
+
+"An' so it goes.  We march through life an' behind us marches th'
+phottygrafter an' th' rayporther.  There are no such things as
+private citizens.  No matther how private a man may be, no matther
+how secretly he steals, some day his pitcher will be in th' pa-aper
+along with Mark Hanna, Stamboul 2:01 1/2, Fitzsimmons' fightin'
+face, an' Douglas, Douglas, Tin dollar shoe.  He can't get away
+fr'm it.  An' I'll say this f'r him, he don't want to.  He wants
+to see what bad th' neighbors are doin' an' he wants thim to see
+what good he's doin'.  He gets fifty per cint iv his wish; niver
+more.  A man keeps his front window shade up so th' pa-apers can
+come along an' make a pitcher iv him settin' in his iligant furnished
+parlor readin' th' life iv Dwight L. Moody to his fam'ly.  An'
+th' lad with th' phottygraft happens along at th' moment whin he
+is batin' his wife.  If we wasn't so anxious to see our names among
+those prisint at th' ball, we wudden't get into th' pa-apers so
+often as among those that ought to be prisint in th' dock.  A man
+takes his phottygraft to th' iditor an' says he: 'Me attintion has
+been called to th' fact that ye'd like to print this mug iv a
+prom'nent philanthropist;' an' th' iditor don't use it till he's
+robbed a bank.  Ivrybody is inthrested in what ivrybody else is
+doin' that's wrong.  That's what makes th' newspapers.  An' as
+this is a dimmycratic counthry where ivrybody was bor-rn akel
+to ivrybody else, aven if they soon outgrow it, an' where wan man's
+as good as another an' as bad, all iv us has a good chanst to have
+his name get in at laste wanst a year.
+
+"Some goes in at Mrs. Rasther's dinner an' some as victims iv a
+throlley car, but ivrybody lands at last.  They'll get ye afther
+awhile, Hinnissy.  They'll print ye'er pitcher.  But on'y wanst.
+A newspaper is to intertain, not to teach a moral lesson."
+
+"D'ye think people likes th' newspapers iv th' prisint time?" asked
+Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"D'ye think they're printed f'r fun?" said Mr. Dooley.
+
+
+
+
+Adventure
+
+
+
+"What a life iv advinture I have led, to be sure.  I've niver been
+still a minyit since I cud see an' hear--always on th' go, performin'
+heeroyc actions on land an' sea.  Between th' ages iv eight an'
+fifteen I bet ye I caught more runaway teams thin all th' park
+polismen in th' wurruld.  I begun with stoppin' th' horses iv a
+man called Monahan that owned a canal boat an' askin' as a reward
+that he give me a job dhrivin' th' mule.  But I rose rapidly in
+th' wurruld, an' befure I was fifteen I was dashin' out nearly
+ivry hour an' nailin' a team iv maddened animals in th' bullyvard
+an' savin' th' life iv th' pet daughther iv a millyonaire.  She
+usully accepted me young hand in marredge in th' dhrug store.  But
+sometimes whin I needed a top or a kite I took money.  I'm ashamed
+to con-fiss it, but I did.  Iv coorse I rayfused th' first offer
+iv th' pluthycrat.  Whin he thried to crowd wan millyon dollar on
+me, I give him a look iv scorn an' moved away.  He was tur-rbly
+ashamed iv his onmanly action an' followed me up an' be sharp
+schamin' managed to get two millyons to me in a way that I cuddn't
+resint.  I think it come in th' shape iv an advance payment on th'
+dowry.
+
+"At fifteen I quit stoppin' runaway horses as on'y suited to
+childher.  After that I wint in almost entirely f'r knockin' down
+arnychists as they was about to shoot.  I saved th' life iv th'
+Impror iv Rooshya, an' he was anxious f'r to have me stay at th'
+coort, but people begun to talk about me an' wan iv th' rile
+princesses an' I left.  On my way home I seized an arnychist jus'
+as he had raised his pistol again th' Prince iv Wales, an' as a
+reward he freed Ireland on th' spot.  I rayceived an ovation f'r
+this in Dublin in 1860 or thereabouts, but I disclaimed anny glory,
+was always willin' to do annything f'r me counthry, wisht them th'
+best iv luck: gintlemen, I can on'y say, I thank ye, I thank ye,
+I thank ye.
+
+"Me raycint advintures has been more in th' spoortin' line.  I had
+to give up futball afther winnin' victhry f'r me almy matther f'r
+four successive years be a suparb run aroun' th' end.  F'r a long
+time I sailed th' cup dayfinder ivry year, an' always won be a
+sthrategy that no wan but mesilf undherstands.  I've killed iliphants
+an' tigers be th' hundherd, rescooed people fr'm dhrownin' be th'
+thousan', climbed up th' outside iv a burnin' buildin' an' come
+down with two or three fine-lookin' ladies in me arms, captured
+forts, charged armies, knocked out th' wurruld's greatest pugilists
+with a punch, led revolutions, suppressed thim, an' done it all
+modestly an' quietly.
+
+"Iv coorse I won't say 'twas always th' spirit iv advinture led
+me into these gallant acts.  If I must tell ye th' thruth I've
+gin'rally took less intherest in th' advinture itself thin in th'
+reward.  I'm always a little hazy about th' details iv how I saved
+th' girl fr'm th' rapids iv Niagra whin I can't swim, or how I
+happened to hit th' tiger in th' eye whin I'm so afraid iv firearms,
+or how I stopped th' runaway team whin I know that th' other day
+whin th' milkman's horse broke loose th' best I cud do was run to
+th' edge iv th' sidewalk an' wring me hands an' yell: "Whoa!" But
+th' grateful millyonaire is always distinct.  I can always hear
+th' cheers iv th' crowd as I come dhrippin' fr'm th' wather.
+Though th' raison I happened to be ladin' me rig'mint up th' hill
+iv San Joon is not clear to me now, I can plainly see mesilf
+returnin' fr'm th' war, bronzed and weather-beaten, settin' erect
+on me horse an' respondin' to th' frantic cheers iv th' multichood
+with a slight bow.  I always used to lose an arm or part iv an
+arm, but I've larned that isn't nicess'ry.
+
+"An' where have all these advintures occurred, d'ye say? Well,
+some iv th' most feerocyous iv thim happened in me bedroom, an'
+some on th' front stoop iv th' house on warm moonlight nights, but
+most iv thim here in this room in front iv th' fire.  Be rights
+th' walls ought to be dic'rated with moose antlers, tigers' heads,
+diplomas, soords, votes iv Congress, medals an' autygrafted pitchers
+iv th' crowned heads iv Europe.  Th' best advintures anny iv us
+has is at home in a comf'rtable room--th' mos' excitin' an' th'
+asiest.  Ye can make ye'ersilf as brave as ye want an' as cool,
+ye avide mussin' ye'er clothes, ye flavor with danger to suit th'
+taste, an' ye get a good dale more applause an' get it quicker
+thin th' other kind iv hayro.  F'r manny years I've shot all me
+tigers fr'm this rockin' chair."
+
+
+
+
+Rights and Privileges of Women
+
+
+
+"Woman's rights? What does a woman want iv rights whin she has
+priv'leges? Rights is th' last thing we get in this wurruld.
+They're th' nex' things to wrongs.  They're wrongs tur-ned inside
+out.  We have th' right to be sued f'r debt instead iv lettin' the
+bill run, which is a priv'lege.  We have th' right to thrile be a
+jury iv our peers, a right to pay taxes an' a right to wurruk.
+None iv these things is anny good to me.  They'se no fun in thim.
+All th' r-rights I injye I don't injye.  I injye th' right to
+get money, but I niver have had anny money to spind.  Th'
+constichooshion guarantees me th' right to life, but I die; to
+liberty, but if I thry bein' too free I'm locked up; an' to th'
+pursoot iv happiness, but happiness has th' right to run whin
+pursood, an' I've niver been able to three her yet.  Here I am at
+iver-so-manny years iv age blown an' exhausted be th' chase, an'
+happiness is still able to do her hundhred yards in tin minyits
+flat whin I approach.  I'd give all th' rights I read about for
+wan priv-lege.  If I cud go to sleep th' minyit I go to bed I
+wudden't care who done me votin'.
+
+"No, sir, a woman don't need rights.  Th' pope, imprors, kings an'
+women have priv-leges; ordhin'ry men has rights.  Ye niver hear
+iv th' Impror of Rooshya demandin' rights.  He don't need thim
+in his wurruk.  He gives thim, such as they ar're, to th' moojiks,
+or whativer it is ye call thim.  D'ye think anny wan wud make a
+gr-reat success be goin' to th' Czar an' sayin': "Czar (or sire,
+as th' case may be), ye must be unhappy without th' sufferage.
+Ye must be achin' all over to go down to th' livry stable an' cast
+ye'er impeeral ballot f'r Oscaroviski K. Hickinski f'r school
+thrustee?" I think th' Czar wud reply: 'Gintlemen, ye do me too
+much honor.  I mus' rayfuse.  Th' manly art iv sufferage is wan
+iv th' most potint weepins iv th' freeman, but I'm not used to it,
+an' I wudden't know what to do with it.  It might be loaded.  I
+think I'll have to crawl along with me modest preerogatives iv
+collectin' th' taxes, dalin' life an' death to me subjicks, atin'
+free, dhrinkin' th' best an' livin' aisy.  But ye shall have ye'er
+rights.  Posieotofski, lade th' gintlemen out into th' coortyard
+an' give thim their rights as Rooshyan citizens.  I think about
+twinty f'r each iv th' comity an' about a dozen exthry f'r the
+chairman.  F'r wan iv th' rights guaranteed to his subjicks, be
+me sainted father, was a good latherin' ivry time it was comin'
+to thim.'
+
+"An' so it is with women.  They haven't th' right to vote, but
+they have th' priv'lege iv conthrollin' th' man ye ilict.  They
+haven't th' right to make laws, but they have th' priv'lege iv
+breakin' thim, which is betther.  They haven't th' right iv a fair
+thrile be a jury iv their peers; but they have th' priv'lege iv
+an unfair thrile be a jury iv their admirin' infeeryors.  If I cud
+fly d'ye think I'd want to walk?"
+
+
+
+
+Avarice and Generosity
+
+
+
+"I niver blame a man f'r bein' avaricyous in his ol' age.  Whin a
+fellow gits so he has nawthin' else to injye, whin ivrybody calls
+him 'sir' or 'mister,' an' young people dodge him an' he sleeps
+afther dinner, an' folks say he's an ol' fool if he wears a
+buttonhole bokay an' his teeth is only tinants at will an' not
+permanent fixtures, 'tis no more thin nach'ral that he shud begin
+to look around him f'r a way iv keepin' a grip on human s'ciety.
+It don't take him long to see that th' on'y thing that's vin'rable
+in age is money an' he pro-ceeds to acquire anything that happens
+to be in sight, takin' it where he can find it, not where he wants
+it, which is th' way to accumylate a fortune.  Money won't prolong
+life, but a few millyons judicyously placed in good banks an'
+occas'nally worn on th' person will rayjooce age.  Poor ol' men
+are always older thin poor rich men.  In th' almshouse a man is
+decrepit an' mournful-lookin' at sixty, but a millyonaire at sixty
+is jus' in th' prime iv life to a frindly eye, an' there are no
+others.
+
+"It's aisier to th' ol' to grow rich thin it is to th' young.  At
+makin' money a man iv sixty is miles ahead iv a la-ad iv
+twinty-five.  Pollytics and bankin' is th' on'y two games where
+age has th' best iv it.  Youth has betther things to attind to,
+an' more iv thim.  I don't blame a man f'r bein' stingy anny more
+thin I blame him f'r havin' a bad leg.  Ye know th' doctors say
+that if ye don't use wan iv ye'er limbs f'r a year or so ye can
+niver use it again.  So it is with gin'rosity.  A man starts arly
+in life not bein' gin'rous.  He says to himsilf: "I wurruked f'r
+this thing an' if I give it away I lose it." He ties up his
+gin'rosity in bandages so that th' blood can't circylate in it.
+It gets to be a superstition with him that he'll have bad luck if
+he iver does annything f'r annybody.  An' so he rakes in an' puts
+his private mark with his teeth on all th' movable money in th'
+wurruld.  But th' day comes whin he sees people around him gettin'
+a good dale iv injyemint out iv gin'rosity an' somewan says: 'Why
+don't ye, too, be gin-rous? Come, ol' green goods, unbelt, loosen
+up, be gin-rous.' 'Gin'rous?' says he, 'what's that?' 'It's th'
+best spoort in th' wurruld.  It's givin' things to people.' 'But
+I can't,' he says.  'I haven't annything to do it with,' he says.
+'I don't know th' game.  I haven't anny gin'rosity,' he says.
+'But ye have,' says they.  'Ye have as much gin'rosity as annywan
+if ye'll only use it,' says they.  'Take it out iv th' plasther
+cast ye put it in an' 'twill look as good as new,' says they.  An'
+he does it.  He thries to use his gin'rosity, but all th' life is
+out iv it.  It gives way undher him an' he falls down.  He can't
+raise it fr'm th' groun'.  It's ossyfied an' useless.  I've seen
+manny a fellow that suffered fr'm ossyfied gin'rosity.
+
+"Whin a man begins makin' money in his youth at annything but games
+iv chance, he niver can become gin'rous late in life.  He may make
+a bluff at it.
+
+Some men are gin'rous with a crutch.  Some men get the use of their
+gin'rosity back suddenly whin they ar-re in danger.  Whin Clancy
+the miser was caught in a fire in th' Halsted Sthreet Palace hotel
+he howled fr'm a window: 'I'll give twinty dollars to annywan
+that'll take me down.' Cap'n Minehan put up a laddher an' climbed
+to him an' carrid him to the sthreet.  Half-way down th' laddher
+th' brave rayscooer was seen to be chokin' his helpless burdhen.
+We discovered aftherwards that Clancy had thried to begin negotyations
+to rayjooce th' reward to five dollars.  His gin'rosity had become
+suddenly par'lyzed again.
+
+"So if ye'd stay gin'rous to th' end niver lave ye'er gin'rosity
+idle too long.  Don't run it ivry hour at th' top iv its speed,
+but fr'm day to day give it a little gintle exercise to keep it
+supple an' hearty an' in due time ye may injye it."
+
+
+
+
+The End of Things
+
+
+
+"The raison no wan is afraid iv Death, Hinnessy, is that no wan
+ra-ally undherstands it.  If anny wan iver come to undherstand
+it he'd be scared to death.  If they is anny such thing as a cow'rd,
+which I doubt, he's a man that comes nearer realizin' thin other
+men, how seeryous a matther it is to die.  I talk about it, an'
+sometimes I think about it.  But how do I think about it? It's me
+lyin' there in a fine shoot iv clothes an' listenin' to all th'
+nice things people are sayin' about me.  I'm dead, mind ye, but I
+can hear a whisper in the furthest corner iv th' room.  Ivry wan
+is askin' ivry wan else why did I die.  'It's a gr-reat loss to
+th' counthry,' says Hogan.  'It is,' says Donahue.  'He was a fine
+man,' says Clancy.  'As honest a man is iver dhrew th' breath iv
+life,' says Schwartzmeister.  'I hope he forgives us all th' harm
+we attimpted to do him,' says Donahue.  'I'd give annything to
+have him back,' says Clancy.  'He was this and that, th' life iv
+th' party, th' sowl iv honor, th' frind iv th' disthressed, th'
+boolwark iv th' constichoochion, a pathrite, a gintleman, a Christyan
+an' a scholard.' 'An' such a roguish way with him,' says th' Widow
+O'Brien.
+
+"That's what I think, but if I judged fr'm expeeryence I'd know
+it'd be, 'It's a nice day f'r a dhrive to th' cimitry.  Did he
+lave much?' No man is a hayro to his undertaker."
+
+
+
+
+Hypocrisy
+
+
+
+"It must be a good thing to be good or ivrybody wudden't be
+pretendin' he was.  But I don't think they'se anny such thing as
+hypocrisy in th' wurruld.  They can't be.  If ye'd turn on th' gas
+in th' darkest heart ye'd find it had a good raison for th' worst
+things it done, a good varchous raison, like needin' th' money or
+punishin' th' wicked or tachin' people a lesson to be more careful,
+or protectin' th' liberties iv mankind, or needin' the money."
+
+
+
+
+History
+
+
+
+"I know histhry isn't thrue, Hinnessy, because it ain't like what
+I see ivry day in Halsted Sthreet.  If any wan comes along with a
+histhry iv Greece or Rome that'll show me th' people fightin',
+gettin' dhrunk, makin' love, gettin' married, owin' th' grocery
+man an' bein' without hard-coal, I'll believe they was a Greece
+or Rome, but not befure.  Historyans is like doctors.  They are
+always lookin' f'r symptoms.  Those iv them that writes about their
+own times examines th' tongue an' feels th' pulse an' makes a wrong
+dygnosis.  Th' other kind iv histhry is a post-mortem examination.
+It tells ye what a counthry died iv.  But I'd like to know what
+it lived iv."
+
+
+
+
+Enjoyment
+
+
+
+"I don't think we injye other people's sufferin', Hinnessy.  It
+isn't acshally injyement.  But we feel betther f'r it."
+
+
+
+
+Gratitude
+
+
+
+"Wan raison people ar-re not grateful is because they're proud iv
+thimsilves an' they niver feel they get half what they desarve.
+Another raison is they know ye've had all th' fun ye're entitled
+to whin ye do annything f'r annybody.  A man who expicts gratichood
+is a usurer, an' if he's caught at it he loses th' loan an' th'
+intherest."
+
+End of The Project Gutenberg EBook of Observations by Mr. Dooley
+by Finley Peter Dunne
+
+
+
+
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