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diff --git a/47198-8.txt b/47198-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index c72f9e6..0000000 --- a/47198-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,7672 +0,0 @@ - THE HUMAN BOY AGAIN - - - - -This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at -http://www.gutenberg.org/license. If you are not located in the United -States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you are -located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: The Human Boy Again -Author: Eden Phillpotts -Release Date: October 25, 2014 [EBook #47198] -Language: English -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HUMAN BOY AGAIN *** - - - - -Produced by Al Haines. - - - - - -[Illustration: HE CANED ME FOR INSOLENCE, COMBINED WITH IRREVERENCE.] - - - - - THE HUMAN BOY AGAIN - - - BY - - EDEN PHILLPOTTS - - AUTHOR OF "THE HUMAN BOY" - - - -"There are those who scoff at the school-boy, calling -him frivolous and shallow. Yet it was the school-boy -who said, 'Faith is believing what you know ain't -so.'"--_Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar_. - - -"Man is more childish than woman. In the true -man there is a child hidden: it wanteth to play."--F. NIETZSCHE. - - - - LONDON CHAPMAN AND HALL, LTD. 1908 - - - - - RICHARD CLAY & SONS, LIMITED, - BREAD STREET HILL, E.C., AND - BUNGAY, SUFFOLK. - - - - - TO MY DEAR FRIEND, - MARK TWAIN, - FATHER OF 'TOM SAWYER' AND - 'HUCKLEBERRY FINN,' - THESE HUMAN BOYS, - WITH SINCEREST REGARD. - - - - - *CONTENTS* - - I. PETERS, DETECTIVE - II. THE DOCTOR'S PARROT - III. THE BANKRUPTCY OF BANNISTER - IV. THE TIGER'S TAIL - V. RICHMOND MINIMUS, PREACHER - VI. THE 'BOLSOVER' PRIZE - VII. THE CASE FOR FOWLE - VIII. 'CHERRY RIPE' - IX. THE QWARRY - X. RICHMOND AND THE MAJOR-GENERAL - XI. THE GOOD CONDUCT PRIZE - XII. TOMKINS ON 'TINNED COW' - - - - - *LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS* - -HE CANED ME FOR INSOLENCE, COMBINED WITH IRREVERENCE (_see p._ 66) - -"WOULD YOU RATHER BE A GREATER FOOL THAN YOU LOOK, OR LOOK A GREATER -FOOL THAN YOU ARE?" - -MOST OF THE ACTUAL WORK WAS DONE BY MOONLIGHT - -"THE TOTAL LIABILITIES ARE EXACTLY TWO POUNDS," SAID GIDEON - -FRECKLES OFTEN WENT TO LOOK AT IT IN THE DOCTOR'S STUDY - -"WE WENT OUT OF BOUNDS ON THE RAILWAY EMBANKMENT" - -AT ONE SPOT THE DESCENT WAS VERY PERILOUS - -"THE FIGHTING WAS VERY WILD AND UNSCIENTIFIC" - - - - - *PETERS, DETECTIVE* - - - - *No. I* - - *PETERS, DETECTIVE* - - *I* - - -Being from the first the chum and friend of Peters, I can tell about his -curious ways better than anybody. In fact we shared our pocket-money, -which is always a great sign of friendship; and it was understood that -if ever I got into trouble when I grew up, and was accused of murder or -forgery, or anything like that, which does often happen to the most -innocent people, Peters would give up anything he might be doing at the -time, and devote his entire life to proving me not guilty. - -I remember well the day he came. I was in the big school-room at the -fire, roasting chestnuts and talking to Gideon; and Shortland and Fowle -were also there. The Doctor came in with a new boy and said-- - -"Ah! There are some of the fellows by the fire, Peters." - -Then he called out to Shortland and me and said-- - -"Shortland and Maydew, this is Peters. Make him welcome, and if there -are chestnuts going, as I suspect, share them with him." - -Then the Doctor went off to have some final jaw with the mother of -Peters; and Peters came down the room and said "Good-evening" in a very -civil and quiet tone of voice. - -He was thin and dark, and when he warmed his hands at the fire it was -easy to see the light through them. He also had a pin in his tie in the -shape of a human skull, about as big as a filbert nut, with imitation -ruby eyes. - -We asked him who he was, and he said he came from Surrey, and that his -father had been a soldier, but was unfortunately dead. His name was -Vincent Peters. - -Then Shortland, who is a silly beast and a bully, and only in the lower -fifth, though quite old--and, in fact, his voice has broken down--asked -Peters the footling question he always asks every new boy. - -He said, "Would you rather be a greater fool than you look, or look a -greater fool than you are?" - -Of course, whatever you answer, you must be scored off. But young -Peters seemed to know it. Anyway, instead of answering the question he -asked another. He said-- - -"Would you rather be uglier than you look, or look uglier than you are?" - -[Illustration: "WOULD YOU RATHER BE A GREATER FOOL THAN YOU LOOK, OR -LOOK A GREATER FOOL THAN YOU ARE?"] - -Gideon was interested at this, because it showed at once Peters must be -a cool hand. - -"What are you going to be?" Gideon asked; and then came out the -startling fact that Peters hoped to be a detective of crime. - -"If you go detecting anything here you'll get your head punched," said -Shortland. - -"I may or I may not," answered Peters. "But it's rather useful -sometimes to have a chap in a school who has made a study of detecting -things." - -"You can begin to-night, if you like," I said; "because Johnson major's -bat was found to have seven tin tacks hammered into it last week, when -he took it out of the case to give it a drop more oil; and if you find -out who did that, I've no doubt that Johnson major will be a good friend -to you--him being in the sixth and captain of the first at cricket." - -"I don't know enough about things yet," answered Peters. "Besides, you -have to be sure of your ground. In detecting you may make friends, or -you may not; but you will make enemies to a dead certainty. In fact, -that's the drawback to detecting. Look at Sherlock Holmes." - -"That's only a yarn," said Gideon. - -But Peters wouldn't allow this. He evidently felt very deeply about -Sherlock Holmes. - -"He is founded on fact--in fact, founded on thousands of solemn facts," -said Peters. "The things he does are all founded on real crimes, and if -anybody is going to be a detective, he can't do better than try to be -like Sherlock Holmes in every possible way." - -The tea-bell rang about this time, and Peters sat next to me and told me -a good deal more. He said he was very thankful that he was thin, like -Holmes, and wiry, and had a beak-like nose. He asked me if he had -piercing eyes; and I could honestly say that they were pretty piercing. -Then he brought out a picture of Sherlock Holmes, which he always -carried, and showed me that, with luck, when he grew up, he ought really -to be very much indeed like the great Holmes. - -He was learning to play the violin also--not because he liked it, but -because of the importance of doing it in moments of terrible difficulty. -He said that it soothes the brain and helps it to do its work--but not -so much while you're learning. He said that after he had thoroughly -mastered a favourite piece of Holmes's he should be satisfied, as there -would never be any occasion for him to play more than one piece. - -Chaps liked Peters very fairly well. He was a good 'footer' player, and -very good at outside right. He was fast, and told me that speed often -made all the difference to the success of a criminal case. Pure -sprinting had many a time made all the difference to Holmes. Peters -didn't know much in the way of learning, but he dearly liked to get hold -of a newspaper and read the crimes. He didn't find out about Johnson -major's bat, however; but he said it wasn't a fair test, because he -never heard clearly all that went before the crime. A few small -detections he made with great ease, and found the half-crown that -Mathers had lost in the playground. This he did by cross-questioning -Mathers, and making him bring back to his mind the smallest details; and -then Mathers remembered turning head over heels while only touching the -ground with one hand, to show how it could be done. And on the exact -spot, in some long grass at the top of the playground where he had -performed this feat, there was the half-crown. Mathers offered Peters -sixpence on the spot, but Peters said it was nothing, and wouldn't take -any reward. - -He generally knew by the mud on your boots which of the walks you had -been, and he always could tell which of the masters was taking 'prep' -before he went into the room, by the sounds or silence. He also had a -very curious way of prophesying by certain signs if the Doctor was in a -good temper or a bad one. He always knew this long before anybody else, -and it was a very useful thing to know, naturally. - -But Peters did not really do much till his own guinea-pig was found dead -in its lair about half-way through his second term at Merivale. He did -not care for animals in a general way, excepting as helping to throw -light on crime; which, it seems, they are very much in the habit of -doing, though not intentionally. But this particular guinea-pig was far -from a common creature, being a prize Angora pig, and having been given -to Peters during the Christmas holidays by a friend of his dead father. -It had long hair, and looked far more like one of those whacking -chrysanthemums you see than a guinea-pig. It was brown and yellow, and -had a round nose like a rabbit, and seemed so trusting and friendly that -everybody liked it. One other boy--namely, James--had a guinea-pig -also, because these were the days before we took to keeping lizards and -other things in our desks--which was discovered by a dormouse of mine -coming up through the inkpot hole in my desk under the Doctor's nose, -and so giving itself away. And though the pig of James was a good white -pig, with a black patch on his right side and one little dab of yellow -fur where his tail would have been if he had had one, yet, compared to -the guinea-pig of Peters, he was nothing. James, however, didn't mind -the loss of admiration for his pig, and he offered Peters to let the -pigs live together, which would be better for both of them, because a -guinea-pig is the most sociable thing in Nature, and are known well to -pine, and even die, if kept in single captivity. But Peters had a -secret fear that the pig of James was not sound in its health. He told -me that he had made a most searching examination of James's pig, and -discovered a spot of pink skin on its chest. He said it might be -nothing, but, on the other hand, it might be some infectious disease. -Also James's pig was inclined to go bald; so he thanked James very much, -and said he thought that if the pigs saw each other through the bars -from time to time it would be all they wanted to brace them up and cheer -them. But he thought, upon the whole, they had better not meet. - -James didn't like this. He was rather a rum chap in many ways, but very -good at English grammar and chemistry; and he had invented a way of -cribbing, while a master was actually in the room, that many copied -afterwards. James got rather rude about the guinea-pig of Peters, and -seemed to think in some way that it was the pig, and not Peters, that -had decided not to live with his pig. - -He said one day, when looking at the champion pig, "I suppose the little -beast thinks it's too big a swell to live with my honest, short-haired -pig. All the same, if they had a fight, I know which would jolly well -win." - -"So do I," said Peters. "If a race-horse had a fight with a cart-horse, -the cart-horse would win. This is not a prize-fighting pig." - -West was there and said the same. He, of course, understood all about -prize-fighting, owing to his brother being winner of the -'middle-weights' at the championship of the army; and he said that if -these pigs fought, the superior weight of James's pig behind the -shoulder would soon settle it. Besides, of course, the other one's hair -streamed all over it like a skye terrier's. You could see at a glance -that it was never born to be a fighter. - -"However, if you want a fight," said Peters, who was always cool and -polite, owing to copying Sherlock Holmes, "if you want a fight, James, I -can oblige you." - -They were both fourteen-and-a-half, and James was a lot fatter, but not -so tall as Peters. - -"No," said James, "I don't want to fight. I didn't mean anything of the -sort." - -"I may be able to get you a guinea-pig like mine next holidays," said -Peters; "and if I can, I will." - -"I don't want it," said James. "I don't care about these guinea-pigs -that look like penwipers gone mad. I'd rather have mine." - -This, of course, was mean and paltry jealousy, and we rotted James till -we rather got his wool off. - -A week afterwards the champion pig was found dead on its back, with its -paws in the air and its eyes open, but dim. They had a look of fright -in them; and it was very interesting indeed, this happening to Peters, -because it would be sure to show if his detective powers were really -worth talking about. - -Of course everybody said it must be James; and James said, and also -swore, that it was not. - -Peters told me privately that he was trying to keep a perfectly open -mind. He said there were many difficulties in his way, because in the -event of a human being dying and being found stark you always have a -_post-mortem_, followed by an inquest; whereas with a mere guinea-pig, -belonging to a boy in a school, there is not enough publicity. He said -that up to a certain point publicity is good, and beyond that point it -is bad. Sherlock Holmes always set his face against publicity until -he'd found out the secret. Then he liked everybody to know it, though -often not until the last paragraph of the story. That showed his -frightful cleverness. - -I said, "I suppose you will ask yourself, 'What would Holmes do if one -evening, while he was sitting improving Watson, there suddenly appeared -before him a boy with a dead guinea-pig?'" - -And Peters said, "No. Because a guinea-pig in itself would not be -enough to set the great brain of Holmes working. If there were several -mysterious murders about, or if there had been some dark and deadly -thing occur, and Holmes, on taking the pig into his hand and looking at -it through his magnifying-glass, suddenly discovered on the pig some -astounding clue to another fearful crime, then he would bring his great -brain to work upon the pig; but merely as a guinea-pig suddenly found -dead, it would not interest him. In my case it's different. The pig -was a good deal to me; and this death will get round to the man who gave -me the creature, and he'll be sure to think I've starved it, and very -likely turn from me; and being my godfather, that would be jolly -serious. In fact, there are several reasons why I ought to find out who -has done this, if I can." - -I said, "It may be Fate. It may have died naturally." - -He admitted this. He said, "That's where a _post-mortem_ would come in, -if it was a human being. Of course, Holmes never did _post-mortems_ -himself, that not being his work; but I've got to make one now. It may -or may not help me." - -He made it, and it didn't help him. My own opinion is that he didn't -much like it and hurried it a good deal. He said there was no actual -sign of violence on the surface of the guinea-pig, and the organs all -seemed perfectly healthy. But when I asked him what they would have -looked like if they hadn't been healthy, he avoided answering, and went -on that the pig's inside ought to have been sent up to Somerset House, -for examination by Government officials, in a hermetically sealed -bottle. Peters declared that the public has a right to demand this -service for the stomachs of their old friends and relations if foul play -is suspected; but not in the case of a domestic beast like a guinea-pig. - -So the pig was buried, and not until then did Peters really seem to set -to work. The actual horror of the death gradually wore off, and he told -me that he should now seriously tackle the case. - -There was a most unusual lack of clues, he said; and he pointed out that -even Sherlock Holmes could do nothing much until clues began to turn up. -Peters warned me against always taking it for granted that James had -done it. In fact, he said it was very unlikely to have been James, just -because it looked so likely. - -I said, "That may be the way Sherlock Holmes talks; but it seems to me -to be rather footle." - -And he said, "No, Maydew; it isn't footle; it is based on a study of the -law of probabilities. If you read accounts of crime, you will see that, -as a rule, the person who is suspected is innocent; and the more he is -suspected, the more innocent he is." - -I said, "Anyway, James has changed. He's gone down four places in his -class and lost his place in the second 'footer' eleven also. There's -something on his mind." - -"Yes," said Peters, "that's true. Everybody believes that he killed a -valuable guinea-pig, and treats him accordingly. That is quite enough -to send him down four places in the class; but if he had killed the -guinea-pig he would have brazened it out and have been prepared for -this, and taken very good care not to show what he felt." - -"In fact, you don't think he killed the pig," I said. - -And Peters said he didn't think James had; but he was keeping an open -mind. - -Then came the most extraordinary clue of the ten-shilling piece. -Happening to go to his desk one day--between schools--for toffee, Peters -found in it a bit of paper lightly screwed up. He opened it and -discovered in it no less than a gold ten-shilling piece; and on the -paper, printed in lead pencil, were these words-- - - "FOR ANUTHER GINNEA-PIG." - - -He said nothing to anybody but me; but he seemed to think that I was a -sort of a Dr. Watson in my way; besides, it simplified the workings of -his mind to talk out loud; so he showed me the clue and then asked me -what I thought. I had rather picked up his dodge of talking like -Sherlock Holmes, so I said-- - -"The first question is, of course, to see what is the date on the -half-quid." - -I thought this pretty good; but Peters said that this was not the first -question, and didn't matter in the least. - -He said, "My dear Maydew, the money is nothing; the paper in which it is -wrapped up is everything." - -So I turned to the paper. - -"What does it tell you?" he asked. - -"It tells me that some utter kid did it," I said, "for he can't spell -'another' and he can't spell 'guinea-pig.'" - -But Peters smiled and put the points of his fingers together like -Sherlock Holmes. - -"My dear Maydew," he said, "might not that have been done on purpose?" - -Then I scored off him. - -"It is just because it might have been done on purpose," I said, "that I -think it was done accidentally." - -He nodded. - -"Of course, it may be the work of a kid," he admitted. "But, on the -other hand, it may be a subterfuge. Besides, no kid would have killed -my guinea-pig. Where's the motive?" - -"The great thing is that you've got half-a-sovereign and we share -pocket-money," I said. - -But he attached little importance to this, except to say that the -half-sov. wasn't pocket-money, though I might have half. - -"Now, examine the paper," he went on. - -I did so. It was a sheet of one of our ordinary, lined copybooks, used -for dictation, composition, exercises, and such like. - -"Evidently torn out of one of the copybooks," I said. - -"Exactly; but which one?" - -"Ask me another," I said. "You'll never find that out." - -He smiled and arranged his hands again like Holmes. - -"I have," he said. - -"Then you know?" - -"On the contrary, I know nothing." - -"It wasn't James's book?" - -"It wasn't. The first thing was to find a book with a sheet torn out. -I tried twenty-five books, and seven had pages torn out. But James's -book had not. Then judge of my surprise, Maydew, when, coming to my -desk for the form of the thing, and looking at my own exercise-book, I -found a sheet was torn out; and this is it, for the tear fits!" - -"What frightful cheek!" I cried out. - -"I don't so much mind that," said Peters; "but the point is that, -splendid though this clue seems to be on the surface, I can't get any -forwarder by it. In fact, it may be the act of a friend, and not a -foe." - -"What would Sherlock Holmes do?" I asked; and Peters gave a sort of -mournful sound and scratched his head. - -"I wish I knew," he said. - - - - *II* - - -Gideon was helpful in a way, but nobody could make much of it. Gideon -said that it was conscience money, and was often known to happen, -especially with the Income Tax; because people, driven to desperation by -it, often pay too little, and then, when things brighten up with them -afterwards, it begins to weigh on their minds, if they are fairly decent -at heart, and they remember that they have swindled the King and been -dishonest; and so they send the money secretly, but, of course, feel too -ashamed to say who they are. - -I asked James if he had sent the money, and he swore he hadn't; but he -did it in such an excitable sort of way that I was positive he had. -Peters wouldn't believe or disbelieve. He went quietly on, keeping an -open mind and detecting the crime; and when the truth came to light, -Peters was still detecting. - -But in the meantime happened the mystery of the pencil-sharpener, and -the two great mysteries were cleared up simultaneously, which Peters -says is a common thing. You couldn't say that one cleared up the other, -but still, it did so happen that both came out in the same minute. - -There was a boy whose name was Pratt, and his father was on the Stock -Exchange of London. This father used to go out to his lunch, and at -these times he saw many curious things sold by wandering London men who -are too poor to keep shops, but yet have the wish to sell things. These -men stand by the pavement and display most queer and uncommon -curiosities, such as walking spiders and such like; and once from one of -these men Pratt's father bought quite a new sort of pencil-sharpener of -the rarest kind. It was shaped like a stirrup, and cut pencils well -without breaking off the lead. - -After a good week of this pencil-sharpener, Pratt found it had been -stolen out of his desk, and he told Peters about it, and Peters took up -the case. I asked him if he was hopeful, and he said that there was -always hope; but he also said, rather bitterly, that it was curious what -a frightful lot of hard cases he had had since coming to Merivale. He -said it was enough to tax anybody's reputation, and that each case -seemed more difficult than the last. - -I reminded him of one or two rather goodish things he had done in a -small way, but he said that as yet he had not really brought off a -brilliant stroke. - -A week went by, and then Peters came to me in a state of frightful -excitement. - -"The pencil-sharpener!" he said. - -"Have you got a clue?" I asked. But he could hardly speak for -excitement, and forgot to put his hands like Holmes, or to try and -arrange a 'far-away' look on his face, or anything. - -"Not only a clue," he said, "I know who took it!" - -"This will be a great score for you when it comes out," I said. - -"You swear you won't breathe a word?" he asked. - -And I swore. Then he whispered the fearful news into my ear. - -"The Doctor's taken it!" he said. - -"He never would," I answered. "Pratt is positive that he left it in his -desk." - -"It is a case of purloining," said Peters; "and wish it had happened to -anybody else but the Doctor. It's rather terrible in its way; because -if once gets this habit and yields to temptation, his unlimited power, -who is safe?" - -"It's much more a thing Browne would have done," I said, meaning a -particularly hateful roaster who wore pink ties and elastic-sided boots. - -Then Peters explained that when alone in the Doctor's study, waiting to -give a message to Dr. Dunstan from Mr. Briggs, he chanced to look about, -and saw on the mantelpiece Pratt's pencil-sharpener and a pencil in -course of being sharpened. The Doctor had evidently put them down there -and been called away and forgotten them. - -"What did you do?" I inquired of Peters. - -"Well, Maydew," he said, "I asked myself what Sherlock would have -done"--in confidential moments Peters sometimes spoke of the great -Holmes as 'Sherlock'--"and I remembered his wonderful presence of mind. -Me would have struck while the iron was hot, as the saying is, and taken -the pencil-sharpener there and then." - -"By Jove! But you didn't?" I said. - -For answer Peters brought the pencil-sharpener out of his waistcoat -pocket. - -"Are you positive it's Pratt's?" I asked. - -"Absolutely certain," he said. "It has the words 'Made in Bavaria' upon -it; and, of course, this is a frightfully delicate situation to be in -for me. - -"Especially if the Doctor asks for it," I said. - -"He won't dare," answered Peters; "but I've got a sort of strong feeling -against letting anybody know who has done this. On one or two -occasions, I believe, Holmes kept the doer of a dark deed a secret--to -give him a chance to repent. It seems to me this is a case when I ought -to do the same." - -"If the Doctor cribs things, I don't see why you should keep it dark," I -said; and Peters treated me rather rudely--in fact, very much like -Holmes sometimes treats Watson. - -"My dear Maydew," he said, "the things you don't see would fill a -museum." - -"Anyway, you'll have to give Pratt back his pencil-sharpener," I said; -and he admitted that this was true. The only thing that puzzled him was -how to do it. - -But, after all, Peters didn't puzzle long. He was thinking the next -morning how to return the pencil-sharpener to Pratt in a mysterious and -Sherlock Holmes-like way, when, just after prayers, the Doctor stopped -the school and spoke. He said-- - -"Boys, I have lost something, and though an article of little intrinsic -worth, I cannot suffer it to go without making an effort to regain it. -I say this for two reasons. The first and least is that the little -contrivance so mysteriously spirited from my study is of the greatest -service to me; while the second and important reason your own -perspicuity may perhaps suggest. Things do not go without hands. -Somebody has taken from my study what did not belong to him; and -somebody, therefore, at this moment moves among you with an aching heart -and a wounded conscience. Let that boy make his peace with God and with -me before he closes his eyes; and that no doubt or ambiguity may obscure -the details of this event, I will now descend to particulars. - -"Not long ago, a kindly friend conveyed to me a new form of -pencil-sharpener which he had chanced to find exhibited in a stationer's -shop at Plymouth, our great naval port. Knowing that my eyesight is not -of the best, he judged this trifle would assist me in the endless task -of sharpening pencils, which is not the least among my minor mechanical -labours. And he judged correctly. The implement was distinguished by a -great simplicity of construction. It consisted, indeed, of one small -piece of metal somewhat resembling the first letter of the alphabet. I -last saw it upon the mantelpiece in the study. I was actually using it -when called away, and on my return forgot the circumstance. But upon -retiring last night, the incident reverted to memory while divesting -myself of my apparel, and so indispensable had the pencil-sharpener -become to me that I resumed my habiliments, lighted a candle, and went -downstairs to seek the sharpener. It had disappeared. Now, yesterday -several boys came and went, as usual, through the precincts of my -private apartments. Furthermore, the Greek Testament class will -recollect that we were engaged together in the evening from seven until -eight o'clock. I need say no more. The loss is discovered and the loss -is proclaimed. I accuse nobody. Many things may have happened to the -pencil-sharpener, and if any boy can throw light upon the circumstance -let him speak with me to-night after evening chapel. I hope it may be -possible to find an innocent solution of my loss; but if one of you has -fallen under sudden temptation, and, attracted by the portability and -obvious advantages of the instrument, has appropriated it to his own -uses, I must warn him that my duty will be to punish as well as pardon. -The hand of man, however, is light as compared with the anger of an -outraged Deity. If a sinner is cowering among you at this moment, with -my pencil-sharpener secreted about his person, let that sinner lose no -time, but strengthen his mind to confess his sin, that he may the sooner -turn over a new leaf and sin no more." - -Then he hooked it to breakfast, and I spoke to Peters. I said-- - -"This is pretty blue for you." - -But he said, far from it. He said-- - -"On the contrary, Maydew. It's blue for the Doctor; and it shows--what -he's always saying to us himself, for that matter--that if you do a -wrong thing, you've nearly always got to do another, or perhaps two, to -bolster up the first. Sherlock Holmes often finds out one crime owing -to the criminal doing another, and no doubt this has happened to the -Doctor. He has told a deliberate, carefully planned lie, and a -barefaced lie too; because he must know that he stole the thing out of -Pratt's desk. Anyhow, my course is clear." - -I said I was glad to hear that, because it didn't look at all clear to -me. Then Peters said-- - -"I, personally, have got nothing to do with the Doctor's wickedness in -the matter. In my opinion that is Pratt's affair." - -But I felt pretty sure Pratt wouldn't bother about it. - -"Anyway," said Peters, "I now return Pratt his pencil-sharpener, and -there my duty as the detective of the case ceases. Sherlock Holmes -often did a tremendous deed and only told the way he'd done it to -Watson. And so it is here. It is not my work to bring the Doctor to -justice, and I'm not going to try to do it." - -I said he was right, because, while he was bringing the Doctor to -justice, he might get expelled, and that wouldn't be much of a catch for -anybody. - -So the first thing after morning school we went to Pratt, and Peters put -on his Holmes manner and said-- - -"Well, Pratt, no news of the missing pencil-sharpener, I suppose?" - -And Pratt said, "Mine or the Doctor's?" - -And Peters said, "Yours." - -"Yes, there is," said Pratt; "I found it in my lexicon two days ago. -I'd marked a word with it and clean forgotten. So that's all right." - -"Not so right as you might think," I said. - -But Peters kept his nerve jolly well, and, in fact, was more like -Sherlock Holmes at that terrible moment than ever I saw him before or -after. - -"I'm glad it's turned up," said Peters, "and I hope the Doctor's will." - -Then he and I went off, and I congratulated him. - -"You've got a nerve of iron," I said. - -"Yes," he said, "and I shall want it." - -Then he told me there was nothing like this in Sherlock Holmes, and that -the whole piece of detective work was a failure, and rather a painful -failure to him. - -"I don't mind the licking, and so on," he said, "but it's the inner -disgrace." - -"It was a very natural mistake," I said, to cheer him up. - -"Yes," he said; "but detectives of the first class don't make natural -mistakes--nor any other sort either. It's the disappointment of coming -such a howler over a simple felony that is so hard. At least, of -course, it's not a felony at all." - -"If it is, you did it," I said; "and now of course you'll chuck away the -pencil-sharpener and sit tight about it?" - -But he shook his head. - -"No, Maydew. Of course I could evade the consequences with ease, if I -liked. But I have decided to give this back to the Doctor and tell him -the whole story," said Peters. - -"Sherlock Holmes would never have done that," I said. - -"No, he wouldn't," admitted Peters. "Because why? Because he'd never -have been such a fool as to be deluded by a false clue. He knew a true -clue from a false, as well as we know a nice smell from a nasty one." - -"Well," I said, "if you take my advice for once, you'll do this: You'll -leave that thing on the Doctor's desk in a prominent place next time -you're in there alone, and you'll bury the rest in your brain. Holmes -buried scores of things in his brain. What's the sense of going out of -your way to get a licking?" - -"If I told him the truth, I don't believe he would lick me," said -Peters. But I jolly soon showed him that was rot. In fact, Watson -never talked so straight to Holmes as I did to Peters then. - -"My dear chap," I said, "you go to the Doctor and say, 'Here's your -pencil-sharpener, sir; I saw it on your mantelpiece and thought you'd -stolen it from Pratt, who has one exactly like it. So I took it to give -to Pratt, but his has turned up since.' Well, what would happen then? -Any fool could tell you." - -All the same Peters went up next day at the appointed time, and, -curiously enough, James was in the study waiting for the Doctor too. -The muddle that followed was explained to me by Peters afterwards. - -Me and James began to talk; then James said to Peters, "I am here, -Peters, about a very queer and sad thing, and it is evidently Providence -that has sent you here now." - -And Peters said, "No, it isn't. I am here about a very queer thing too, -and it may also turn out to be sad--for me." - -Then James, who was excited to a very great amount, said these strange -words-- - -"I had come to confess that it was me killed your guinea-pig! I -couldn't hide it any more. It's haunting me--not the pig, but the -killing of it. I hoped, and even prayed in my prayers, that you might -detect me, but you didn't. Then I wrote home for ten shillings for a -debt of honour, and put it in your desk, and disguised the spelling--but -still I was haunted by it. And now, as you are here, I confess it -openly to you that I killed your beautiful, kind-hearted pig, and I hope -you'll forgive me for doing a beastly, blackguard thing. And if you -can't forgive it, I'll tell the Doctor and get flogged rather than go on -like this; because it's haunting me." - -Peters said, "How did you do it?" - -And James said, "With poison from the laboratory mixed in his bran." - -And Peters was so much rejoiced when he heard this, that he forgave the -worm, James, on the spot. - -"That is where sending the stomach to Somerset House would have come -in," said Peters; "but as I was not in a position to do this, I do not -so much feel the slur of not having discovered you were the criminal." - -He forgave James freely. Then he said-- - -"You may be amused to know that I am also here about a crime. I thought -I'd found one out and, instead of that, I've jolly well committed a -crime myself. In fact, it's about the queerest thing, really, that has -ever happened in the annals of crime." - -Then he told the story of the pencil-sharpener to James, and showed -James the pencil-sharpener to prove it. James actually had the -pencil-sharpener in his hand, when who should come in--not the -Doctor--but the matron, with the extraordinary news that the mother of -Peters was just arrived and had to see him at once! This was so awfully -surprising to Peters that he went straight away to the drawing-room and -left the pencil-sharpener with James; and in the drawing-room were the -Doctor and Peters's mother, who, after all, had merely come to tell him -that his uncle was dead. But far more important things than that -happened in the study, because when Peters arrived to see his mother, -the Doctor, having said something about bearing the shocks of life with -manly fortitude, went off to his study, and there, of course, was James -waiting for him. - -And what James did we heard afterwards. First, on thinking it over, he -began to doubt why he should confess about the guinea-pig to the Doctor, -now that Peters had utterly forgiven him. And he speedily decided that -there was no occasion to do so. But then, out of gratitude to Peters, -he determined to carry through the delicate task of getting the -pencil-sharpener back to the Doctor. And he did. He told the Doctor -that he had taken the thing, because he thought it was Pratt's. He said -he felt sure Pratt must have left it in the study by mistake. But he -didn't say anything about thinking the Doctor had stolen it, and, in -fact, was so jolly cunning altogether that he never got into a row at -all. The Doctor ended up by remarking that Pratt's having one was a -curious coincidence, and he said to James, "As for you, boy James, you -stand acquitted of everything but too much zeal. Zeal, however----" and -then he talked a lot of stuff about zeal, which James did not remember. - -I said privately to Peters afterwards-- - -"How would Holmes have acted if this had happened to him?" - -And Peters said, "For once I can see as clear as mud what Sherlock would -have done. He would have said, 'I think in this extraordinary case, -Watson, we may safely let well alone.'" - -And that's what Peters did. - - - - - *THE DOCTOR'S PARROT* - - - - *No. II* - - *THE DOCTOR'S PARROT* - - -When Johnson maximus, young Corkey's cousin, left Merivale, he went to -sea, and a very curious thing happened. He went into what is called the -mercantile marine, which means liners, and not battleships or -destroyers; still you see a good deal of the world, and have not got to -fight for your country, but only for yourself. A pension is not so -certain in the mercantile marine as it is in the Royal Navy; but, -Johnson maximus told Corkey, when he came off a voyage from the East -Indies, that he was hopeful. He had seen a good many curious things and -brought home several, including a parrot, chiefly grey with a good deal -of red about its tail. But what was far more wonderful than the parrot -was the reason that Johnson maximus had brought it home. - -He had brought it home, and also a very fine tiger's skin, as gifts to -Dr. Dunstan, and when Corkey reminded him very naturally that he had -always hated Dunstan as much as anybody when he was at Merivale, and -been jolly thankful to leave and go on to the _Worcester_, training ship -for the mercantile marine, Johnson maximus admitted it, but confessed -that, looking back, he had found it different, and felt that Dunstan was -an awfully good sort and that he owed him a great deal. But all the -same, Johnson maximus never would come and see the Doctor in after life. -Corkey asked him why, and he said he wanted to remember the awe and -terror of the Doctor, and thought, if he ever saw him again it might not -be the same; because, since the Merivale days, Johnson had seen so many -queer places and things, including his own captain in the mercantile -marine, who, Johnson maximus said, was himself one of the wonders of the -deep. - -Of course Johnson maximus left Merivale long before I came there. He -was, in fact, nearly twenty when he sent the parrot by young Corkey; and -it seemed that the Doctor had never had a gift from an old pupil until -that time; and though Corkey said he thought the Doctor would rather -have had almost anything than a parrot, still it was so; and he took the -parrot and the tiger skin; and Corkey told me that Johnson maximus got a -letter of four pages from Dr. Dunstan, thanking him for these things, -and telling Johnson many facts about parrots in general. - -The great point about the parrot was not so much its appearance as the -thing that Johnson had taught it to say. Simply looked at from the -parrot point of view, it was grey with a black tongue, and curious white -lids to its eyes that went up and down like blinds. It climbed about -its cage with its claws and bill, and had a way of eating nuts, -especially walnuts, which was rather amusing. We hoped that it might -have learnt some sailor words and would bring them out some day when -least expected: but if it knew them it never spoke them. It only said -three words, and they were rather cheek; but they were rather romantic -in a way, when you knew what young Corkey knew and was able to tell me. - -It was this: that Milly Dunstan and Johnson maximus were undoubtedly -engaged in secret during his last term at Merivale. She was just an -ordinary little squirt of a girl, with nothing to look round after but a -lot of hair, and eyes that happened to be uncommonly blue by some -accident; and, naturally, the moment Johnson went into the mercantile -marine, she forgot him and turned her attention to other chaps, until -old Dunstan sent her to a boarding-school. But she jolly soon made him -let her come back again, and she was back some terms before the parrot -arrived. - -Then the parrot settled down and suddenly said (after it had been at -Merivale four days), "Dear Milly Dunstan, dear Milly Dunstan"; and after -that the wretched girl chucked about ten chaps and blubbed in secret for -hours, so Corkey said, and let it be known to the sixth that she was -true to Johnson maximus, because through many and many a watch on the -trackless main, when he ought to have been resting from his labours in -the mercantile marine, he had sat hour after hour by the parrot and -repeated, doubtless many millions of times, the footling words, 'Dear -Milly Dunstan.' - -I don't think the Doctor was so pleased about it as Milly was. -Certainly he did not cry, and Corkey said if the parrot had begun by -speaking, Dr. Dunstan might have considered it cheek on Johnson's part -and sent the parrot back with the four-page letter; but seeing that he -had accepted it before it said "Dear Milly Dunstan," he couldn't well -return it. Besides, in the meantime, Johnson maximus had set sail for -South America, and Steggles foretold that he would bring another parrot -back from there which he might train to say something even stronger. He -told Milly so, and rose her hopes a good deal; but Steggles also told -her that she needn't get excited about it, because her father would -never let her marry a chap in the mercantile marine, and that sailors -have a wife in every port. This was that same Steggles who did many -things at Merivale in the past, but he was now exceedingly old, and -expected at any time to be taken away. Many believed he was nearly -eighteen, but he had nothing much to show it except experience. - -The first thing to do was to give the parrot a name, and Milly told us -in triumph that she had made the Doctor call it 'Joe.' Of course this -was the Christian name of Johnson maximus, though I believe the Doctor -had quite forgotten that. Anyway, 'Joe' is a very good name for a -parrot, and everybody got very fond of him, and old Briggs lectured on -him and told us that parrots reach a great age, and have often been -known to live a hundred years and more, owing to their healthy diet and -the number of bites they take to each mouthful, and their habit of never -worrying whatever happens. Old Briggs himself is frightfully keen about -fruit and nuts and such things, and I believe, in secret, he hopes he'll -live a hundred years too. But nobody else does. Steggles discovered a -likeness between 'Joe' and old Briggs. They shut their eyes in the same -way certainly, but 'Joe's' eyes are like grey diamonds, and old -Briggs's, through many years of looking through microscopes at seeds, -and bits of seaweeds, and stones, and so on, have got a sort of film -over them, and are not up to much now, even with two pairs of spectacles -to help them. - -Well, 'Joe' was as good a parrot as ever you saw, and there is no doubt -that he would have outlived everybody at Merivale and got to be a sort -of heirloom in Dr. Dunstan's family, if he had been spared; but after he -had been there two years--at the beginning of his seventh term, in -fact--the great and sorrowful death of the parrot took place; and such -was the general feeling about him that there would certainly have been a -public funeral if the Doctor had allowed it. - -Mathers went further, and wanted it to be a military funeral and have -the cadet corps out with reversed muskets; but Mathers, who is merely -Mathers minimus really, though his brothers have long since left, is a -chap who is like a girl in some ways, being easily made to laugh or cry. -To show you the peculiar sort of ass he is, I may say that he always -writes home letters of dreadful anguish at the beginning of the term, -and then, when the holidays really do come, seems never to want to go -home at all! Trelawny says this is contrary to nature, and will end in -pure insanity for Mathers; but Fowle, on the other hand, says that -Mathers is already mad. I heard Browne, the mathematical master, speak -about Mathers too--to Mannering, a new under-master. They were watching -Mathers in the playground, and he was in one of his most cheerful moods, -and imitating a monkey on a barrel-organ catching fleas. He certainly -did it jolly well, and even a chap or two from the sixth stopped to -watch. And then, when he saw these chaps looking on, he got above -himself and began playing the giddy ox, and spoilt the show. Then it -was that Browne gave his opinion of Mathers, and said that he had 'the -artistic temperament,' whatever that may be. Anyway, it is no catch, -for though boys laugh at you, they despise you, and so do masters. -Masters never seem to have the artistic temperament much; or, if they -have had it, they get well over it after being masters a few terms. I -suppose it was the artistic temperament that made Mathers join the cadet -corps; which he did do, chiefly that he might wear the red bags with -black stripes, and drill once a week under the sergeant. He was rather -small, and it took all his strength to carry the musket round; for the -corps had twenty-five old muskets, and I believe it was a regular -military affair under Government in a sort of vague way. Anyhow, we had -percussion caps for the muskets, and fired them off at times in the -course of the drill; and the first time that young Mathers had a musket -with caps he turned rather white, hating explosions and noise of all -kinds, and said out loud in the face of the corps, to the drill sergeant -who stood in front of the brigade, "Is it loaded, sergeant?" The -sergeant, who was old and had seen battle, and had a grey moustache and -medals and a fierce expression, looked at him and merely said, "Good -God, boy, d'you think I should be standing here if it was?" Then he -spat a scornful spit and twirled his moustache, and seemed to think he'd -come down a good deal in the world to have to drill kids like Mathers. -So always, afterwards, if anybody wanted to rot Mathers, and most people -did, they had only to say, "Is it loaded, sergeant?" and he instantly -became depressed and mournful, or got into a frightful bate--one or -other according to his frame of mind at the time. - -I am telling you all these things about Mathers for two reasons. First, -because he is the principal person, after 'Joe,' in this story, and -secondly, because he was my chum. - -My name is Blount, well known at Dunstan's as having had diphtheria and -two doctors in my first term, and recovering. What I saw in Mathers I -never could tell, but there was something about the piffling duffer that -I liked. His good nature was very marked, and he was peculiarly -generous of dried fruits, which drew me to him as much as anything. His -father was a merchant, and traded with various foreign places especially -celebrated for dried fruits; and in this manner much grand tuck, that -ordinary people have to pay pretty stiffly for, such as candied melons -and crystallized pineapples and other amazing food, very seldom seen in -a general way, came to Bunny Mathers as a matter of course from time to -time; and he thought no more of opening a hamper and finding the richest -and rarest things in it than I should of getting a windfall from our -apple-orchard. This provender he gave to his friends and to those he -wanted to be his friends; and some became his friends in consequence; -but their friendship, as Mathers rather bitterly pointed out to me, sank -to nothing between the times of the hampers. Whereas I made Mathers a -real chum, and once, when, owing to some fearful crisis in the sugared -violet trade with France, his father forgot for six weeks to send -Mathers any hamper at all, I remained unchanged. - -Then the parrot died and naturally the first question was, "Why?" - -We had a debate on it. Our public debates are listened to by the Doctor -and the masters, and the subjects are chosen by them; but sometimes we -have private debates that are not listened to, and we had one on 'Joe'; -and the Government, led by Macmullen, our champion debater, held that -'Joe' had died a natural death, and the Opposition, led by Richmond, -thought he had died by treachery. On a division the Government was -defeated by two votes, owing to the magnificent speech of Richmond, and -Steggles said there ought to be an inquest and a _post-mortem_; and so -did Peters, who was positive the death was a murder. The mystery was who -could have done it, because 'Joe' had not an enemy in the world, unless -it was Mrs. Dunstan's cat, which he mimicked to its face and then barked -suddenly and made the cat think there was a dog after her. - -But this cat could not have done it. The parrot was found dead in its -cage on the morning of a day in February. It was quite stiff and -dignified. No cat had touched him. Mathers said it cut him to the -heart to think of poor 'Joe' falling off his perch in the dead of night, -and lying helpless there, and perhaps calling for help. He said if -there had been loving hands to give it a drop of brandy and put its -claws in mustard and water, it might be among us yet. And he went on in -such a harrowing way, and thought such sad ideas, that at last I had to -smack his head and make him shut up. - -There was no inquest and no _post-mortem_, for the Doctor refused to -have 'Joe' examined, much to our astonishment. In fact we thought it -was rather unsportsmanlike of the Doctor to hustle 'Joe' into his grave -so jolly quickly. The corpse disappeared, and the Doctor was slightly -changed for several days. He had got very fond of the bird, and I think -he missed hearing it say, "Dear Milly Dunstan, dear Milly Dunstan," -which it did hundreds of times in the day when it was feeling well and -happy. - -Then, a week after 'Joe' was buried, came the marvellous determination -of Mathers. For the first time in his life I felt a sort of pride in -Mathers, and was glad to be his chum. At the same time the danger was -frightful, and I had no idea what the end might be. Only two people -knew it, Milly and myself. I rather advised him against it; but she was -hot and strong for it: so Mathers went ahead into a regular sea of -danger. Not that he did it for Milly--far from it: he did it for -himself, and to advance his prosperity with the Doctor. His prosperity -with the Doctor was extremely low, and he had made one mistake already -by offering the Doctor half-a-box of dates in a rather patronizing way; -and so now it was neck or nothing, and Mathers well knew the frightful -risks he ran in the thing he was going to do. - -He said, "I always make a success or an utter failure--at games, in -class and everything. Either this will make me the Doctor's friend for -life, or make him my bitter enemy for life." - -The idea in the strange mind of Bunny Mathers was to bring 'Joe' back -again to Merivale. He could not raise him from the dead, but he meant -to do the next best thing, and dig him up and secretly stuff him. - -Only Mathers could have imagined this, though there were one or two -other chaps equal to doing the thing if somebody else had thought of it. - -I said to Mathers, "What do you know about stuffing parrots?" - -And he said, "More than you might think." - -He had read the article on stuffing beasts in the _Encyclopædia -Britannica_, which Briggs allowed him to refer to, little knowing the -reason; and he said that stuffing was simpler than embalming, and that -his brother, Mathers minor, had often stuffed bats and moles and other -things in the holidays at home. He told me that all you want for -bird-stuffing is wire, cotton-wool and pepper; and for sixpence he could -get all these things in great abundance. - -Milly Dunstan knew where 'Joe' was buried, and the only difficulty, in -the opinion of Mathers, was digging him up. For some reason, though he -did not shrink from the horrors of getting 'Joe' ready for the stuffing -treatment, he hated the digging up; so I undertook to do this. There -was little danger, as 'Joe' had been buried in a secluded rockery under -a large fern, where nobody ever went. Milly showed me the spot on a -half-holiday, when I was supposed to be stopping in, owing to bronchitis -or something of that sort; and I popped out, got a trowel from the -gardener's potting-shed, and dug up 'Joe.' He had been very nicely -buried in a large, empty tobacco tin of Browne's; and I also made the -grave look all right again and put back the wooden gravestone. Minnie -had stuck this up, and on it Freckles had carved for her the rather sad -words-- - - -"_To the memory of darling 'Joe,' died 7th February, 1901. Age unknown. -Regretted by all._" - - -Owing to the weather being frosty, and the ground simply full of -splinters of ice, 'Joe' had fortunately kept perfectly. This comforted -Mathers a good deal, and when I told him the poor old chap was not even -gamey, he was much pleased. He worked in fearful secrecy at night, and -kept 'Joe' in his play-box by day. Most of the actual work was done at -the passage window by moonlight; and when the moon was no good, which -happened in two days, we used a candle-end. Once the pepper got up our -noses, and we both sneezed in a way to wake half the dormitory; but -nobody suspected, and the work was gradually done. - -[Illustration: MOST OF THE ACTUAL WORK WAS DONE BY MOONLIGHT] - -I merely held things and advised. The actual stuffing was entirely the -work of Bunny. When 'Joe' was once ready for the cotton-wool, the -stuffing was as simple as possible; and owing to his toughness we easily -sewed up his chest afterwards; but the thing was to get him to look as -if he was alive. This is evidently the great difficulty in the -stuffer's art, and Mathers had not mastered it by any means from the -_Encyclopædia Britannica_. I said-- - -"For a first attempt it is spiffing; but all the same, 'Joe' never -looked like that in life or death. He is now, as it were, neither dead -or alive." - -Mathers admitted this. He said he thought it was the want of the eyes, -and that all would come right when they were in. - -I asked him where he was going to get the eyes, and he said he was going -to write to the great Rowland Ward for them. This he did do, and they -sent a pair of most lifelike parrot's eyes, and only charged three bob. -The eyes did a great deal for 'Joe,' and certainly made him look alive. -But it was a strange sort of unearthly life, I thought. They made him -look creepy, as if he was a ghost risen from the tomb to haunt somebody -who had killed him. Also about this time we had to get some Condy's -fluid to steady poor old 'Joe' down a bit. I thought this was serious, -but Mathers said not. He assured me that Condy's fluid is an everyday -thing in stuffing parrots and suchlike; and then I had an idea, and got -my 'anti-something' tooth-powder; which also helped, and so it came to -be some use after all, which tooth-powder seldom is. We varnished the -claws, and tried to stick back a lot of feathers that unfortunately came -out in the process of stuffing. Then I got a bit of wood and a stick -for a perch, and we wired 'Joe' on and put a walnut at his feet; which -was a good thought of Bunny's, because walnuts were always his favourite -food. - -Then, from being very confident and hopeful and full Of the Doctor's joy -and gladness when he should see the parrot, Mathers sank suddenly into a -sort of state of despair. He couldn't get the wings right, and he said -the thought of them tortured him day and night and sent him down three -places in his class. At each attempt more feathers fell out, and -finally I got impatient with Mathers and told him that if he messed -about with the parrot any more the thing would fall to pieces and fail -utterly. I also reminded him that the matron, when passing by the -play-boxes the day before, had thought there must be a dead mouse behind -the wainscot. Things were, in fact, coming to a climax, and I said that -as he'd had the pluck to stuff 'Joe,' I hoped, after all the fearful -danger and swot we'd had, that he would keep on to the end and give him -to the Doctor and trust to luck that it would come off all right. - -Then he lost all heart about it and said that Milly should decide; but -he was not fair to her, and only showed her the head. The rest he hid -from her in a bath-towel. Of course the head was the champion part, -owing to the eyes from Rowland Ward. - -She cried first, but in a general way she was delighted. She praised -Mathers; and she also said that it would be well to present it quickly -to the Doctor, so that he could get some proper professional staffer to -finish it and put a glass case over it as soon as possible. Of course a -glass case was beyond our power. - -Still Mathers hesitated; then, urged by me, he decided to have a second -opinion. He said-- - -"I don't like Steggles; but he is the oldest and therefore the wisest -boy in the school. I will show him the work and put myself entirely -into his hands." - -"There's a fearful risk," I replied, "because Steggles doesn't care for -man or beast, and if he sees a chance to have some frightful score off -you, he will." - -"No, he won't," answered Bunny. "I shall throw myself on his -sportsmanlike feeling." - -"He hasn't got any," I said. - -But he risked it; and for once Steggles behaved less like a common or -garden cad than usual. We showed him the parrot, after making him take -an oath of secrecy. The oath would have been merely a matter of form -with him generally, for I have known him to break a blood-oath as if it -was nothing; but somehow the excited state of Mathers and the -extraordinary thing that he had done took the fancy of Steggles, and he -showed a great deal of interest in the parrot, and gave us some jolly -good advice into the bargain. - -Of course he rotted Mathers when he'd got over the shock of the -surprise. He struck an attitude of horror and fear and terror, and -said, "Great snakes! Is it loaded, sergeant?" Then he pretended it was -a ghost, and finally he held his nose and fainted. After all this -foolery Mathers asked him for his candid opinion, and Steggles very -kindly gave it. He said-- - -"If you take my advice you'll instantly bury it again: for two reasons. -Firstly, because if the Doctor sees it he'll probably expel you; and -secondly, because if you don't, the whole school will jolly soon be down -with a fell disease." - -To show you what Mathers is, after hearing this, nothing in the world -would make him bury the parrot again. He said that it was a cruel -thing, after all the danger and trouble and expense of stuffing 'Joe,' -that Steggles should advise him just to bury him again; he also said -that the slight scent was purely medicinal; and that, as for expelling, -if the Doctor could really and truly go so far as to expel a boy who had -done nothing but try with all his might to give him a moment of great -and sudden happiness, then the sooner he was expelled and sent to -another sort of school the better. - -In fact, he was so worked up by the idea of reburying the parrot that he -decided he would carry 'Joe' before the Doctor the very next day--either -immediately before or after prayers. - -Steggles merely said that Mathers was young and headstrong, and he hoped -that he should be there to see. Then he went, and Bunny and I had a -long talk as to whether before or after prayers would be best. I said -after prayers on a Litany morning, because the Litany always leaves the -Doctor weak but in a very kind and gentle state; whereas before prayers -he is sometimes rather short. - -Therefore it was so, and after the next Litany morning Mathers went up, -as bold as brass to the eye, and in his hand he carried 'Joe' hidden -under a clean pocket handkerchief lent by me. - -The Doctor had just shut his big prayer-book, and he looked down pretty -kindly at Bunny. - -"What have you there, Mathers minimus?" he asked, little knowing the -nature of the thing that was going to burst upon his gaze. - -"Please, sir," said Bunny, "it's poor old 'Joe.'" - -Doctor Dunstan didn't seem to remember. - -"Poor old 'Joe'! What do you mean, boy?" he asked in a changed tone of -voice. - -"The parrot, sir. I thought--I thought it was a pity he should be lost -to you, being a beautiful object, and I--in fact--here he is, -sir--stuffed by me; and the slight smell is medicinal," said Mathers. - -Then he drew off the handkerchief and held the parrot up to the Doctor. -Certainly it was a great effect, and at first the Doctor was evidently -far too astonished to be much obliged to Mathers. He didn't take the -parrot--on the contrary, he fell back a pace or two, and his -astonishment seemed slowly to change to a sort of wild horror. First he -looked at the parrot, then he looked at Mathers, then he regularly -glared at the parrot again. Seen from a distance the effect of the -parrot was not good. Evidently we had lost more feathers than we -thought, and its back had got a lump between the shoulders, more really -like a vulture than a parrot. Still, of course one could recognize it. - -Mathers held it up; then, getting frightened, he put it down on a form, -and I knew, from the trembling way he began to handle my handkerchief -that if the Doctor didn't speak pretty soon, Mathers would blub in -public. - -These silences of the Doctor's are well known as awful. You can hear a -pin drop in them; and during them his eyes roll round and round in the -sockets, like Catherine wheels, but much slower. - -At last he spoke. - -"Am I to understand, boy Mathers, that unaided you--you dug up, or -disinterred, that unfortunate fowl and then sought to impart to it this -bizarre, this grotesque, this indelicate semblance of life?" - -Mathers said he was to understand that. He added with a shaking voice-- - -"I did it to give you pleasure, sir--on my honour." - -The Doctor looked at Mathers minimus much puzzled. - -"It is hard to conceive that even an immature mind, such as you possess, -could suppose that pleasure would result to any intelligent being from -so pitiful and indecent an achievement," he said. "The boy who tore this -wretched bird from its last resting-place and set it up to caricature -the entire race of _Psittacus erythacus_---- However, this is no time -to investigate your conduct, Mathers. You will join me after evening -school in the study." - -Then he looked at the parrot again and cleared his throat. Mathers -slunk away to his seat, and as he did so, suddenly the Doctor started -and seemed to 'point,' like a sporting dog. I think he had discovered -there was more than met the eye about the parrot. He called up -Macmullen, who happened to catch his gaze, and told him to take 'Joe' to -the gardener. - -"Direct Smith to place these remains in the spot I originally selected," -he said; "and if anybody ventures to disturb them again the consequences -will be exceedingly serious. Now go to your classes." - -He waved his hand, and Macmullen took the parrot, and nobody ever saw it -again. But to this day Mathers swears that Smith never buried him. He -believes that in some secret place in his house the gardener has 'Joe' -in a glass case; because, very truly, he says that no ordinary gardener -would be likely to resist the temptation of having a rare and beautiful -bird to decorate his house. Besides, the glass eyes. Also it is well -known that Dr. Dunstan never goes into the gardener's house; which is -really the entrance lodge to Merivale, and is full of Smith's wife and -children. So I dare say Bunny is right there. - -He told me afterwards that Dunstan was very cold, but not actively angry -in the evening. Mathers said that the Doctor didn't seem to attach any -importance to the fact that he'd stuffed 'Joe' to give him a great and -sudden pleasure. Instead, he evidently thought that Bunny had done a -rather daring thing to please himself. - -"'Unseemly' was the word he used," said Mathers to me. "He seemed to -think it was not a case for much punishment; but, all the same, he has -told me to write out the article on the stuffer's art from the -_Encyclopædia Britannica_, which is rather rot, because I shall -certainly never want to stuff anything again in this world. I couldn't -tell him all I'd been through to do it, because he'd got a sort of -beastly idea that I _liked_ doing it; though you know that it was -nothing of the sort. On the whole it has left him against me, and he -seems to take a good deal of credit to himself for not making a lot more -row about it. But whether he's going to let it rankle in his mind, so -that I may suffer for it more or less till the end of the term, or -whether, when I've done the impot., he'll feel as usual--just neither -for me nor against me--I can't say yet. He might have tried to look at -it from my point of view." - -"You could hardly expect him to do that: masters never do," I said. - -"It's all the worse for him, anyway," answered Mathers minimus. "To -rebury the parrot was a slight on me in a way; because whether he liked -it or not he could have seen at a glance the hours and hours of awful -trouble, and the fearful expense it must have been to me. The eyes -alone were three shillings; and nobody in this world ever threw away -valuable money in such a cruel manner. Besides, if it had gone off well -and he'd taken it as I meant it, I fully intended other good surprises -for him." - -"You'd better not surprise him again for a jolly long time," I said. -"He doesn't much like surprises--people don't when they grow up. They -have a footling way of preferring everything to drag on in a tame and -dull manner. My father hates telegrams, for instance." - -"I had fully meant to get Johnson to bring him another and a better -parrot," said Mathers. "Even a pair of parrots might have been -arranged; and they would have made a nest about April, and laid eggs, -and there would gradually have been parrots for all his daughters; and -he could have taught them what he liked, even to the extent of Latin; -for it is well known that a parrot will learn anything. But it's all -over now. Never again will I try to give him pleasure--or anybody else -either. Why, even Milly hasn't pitied me much--just because it's all a -failure; whereas if he'd taken it in a manly way, and thanked me before -the school, and, perhaps, given us a half-holiday or something and sent -the parrot off at once to be measured for a glass case--how different it -all would have been! Nobody would have called me 'body-snatcher' then; -whereas now I shall be called that for life." - -Which was all true enough in its way, and he was called 'body-snatcher' -for ever more. Whereas, to show what mistakes happen, I'd done that -part--simply as a friend. - - - - - *THE BANKRUPTCY OF BANNISTER* - - - - *No. III* - - *THE BANKRUPTCY OF BANNISTER* - - *I* - - -I am Bannister, and what happened to me was a very gradual thing at -first; but it grew and grew until finally something had to be done, and -that something was called 'bankruptcy.' - -Curiously enough I had heard the word before at home. In fact, as I -told Gideon, who kindly let me explain my position to him, my father had -once been bankrupted; and when he was a bankrupt my mother cried a good -deal and my father talked about 'everlasting disgrace' and 'a -bloodthirsty world,' and something in the pound. And then there came a -day when my father told my mother gladly that he had been discharged, -whatever that was, and my mother seemed much pleased. In fact, she -said, "Thank God, Gerald!" and they had a bottle of champagne for lunch. -It was in holidays, and I heard it all, and tasted the champagne, and -didn't like it. - -So, remembering this, when Gideon talked of me being a bankrupt, I said, -"All right, and the sooner the better." - -As I say, one gets hard up very gradually, and the debts seem nothing in -themselves; but when, owing to chaps bothering, you go into it all on -paper you may often be much surprised to find how serious things are -taken altogether. - -What I found was that my pocket-money was absolutely all owed for about -three terms in advance, and that Steggles, who lent me a shilling upon a -thing called a mortgage, the mortgage being my bat, was not going to -give up my bat, which was a spliced bat and cost eight shillings and -sixpence. He said what with interest and one thing and another his -shilling had gained six shillings more, and that if he didn't take the -bat at once he would be out of pocket. So he took it, and he played -with it in a match and got a cluck's egg, and I was jolly glad. Then -the tuck-woman, who is allowed to come up to the playground after school -with fruit and sweets and suchlike, was owed by me seven shillings and -fourpence, and she wouldn't sell anything more to me, and asked me -rather often to pay the money. I told her that all would be paid sooner -or later, and she seemed inclined not to believe it. Other debts were -one and six owed to Corkey minimus for a mouse that he said was going to -have young mice, but it didn't, and he had consented to take ninepence -owing to being mistaken. Tin Lin Chow, the Chinese boy, was owed four -shillings and threepence for a charm. It was a good enough charm, made -of ivory and carved into a very hideous face. All the same, it never -had done me much good, for here I was bankrupted six months after buying -it, and the charm itself not even paid for. - -There was a lot of other small debts--some merely a question of pens and -caterpillars; but they all mounted up, and so I felt something must be -done, because being in such a beastly mess kept me awake a good deal at -night thinking what to do. - -Therefore I went to Gideon, who is a Jew, and very rich, and well known -to lend money at interest. He is first in the whole school for -arithmetic, and his father is a diamond merchant and a banker, and many -other things that bring in enormous sums of money. Gideon has no side, -and he is known to be absolutely fair and kind even to the smallest -kids. So I went to him and I said-- - -"Please, Gideon, if it won't be troubling you, I should like to speak to -you about my affairs. I am very hard up, in fact, and fellows are being -rather beastly about money I owe them." - -"I'm afraid I can't finance you, Bannister," said Gideon awfully kindly. -"My money's all out at interest just now, and, as a matter of fact, I'm -rather funky about some of it." - -"I don't want you to finance me," I said; "and that would be jolly poor -fun for you anyway, because I've got nothing, and never shall have in -this world, as far as I can see. I only want you to advise me. I'm -fourteen and three-quarters, and when I was twelve and a half my father -got into pretty much the same mess that I'm in now; and he got out again -with ease, and even had champagne afterwards, by the simple plan of -being bankrupt." - -"It's not always an honourable thing--I warn you of that," said Gideon. - -"I'm sure it was perfectly honourable in my father's case," I said, -"because he's a frightfully honourable man. And I am honourable, too, -and want to do what is right and proper as soon as possible." - -"Why don't you write to your father?" asked Gideon. - -"Because he once warned me--when he was being bankrupted, in fact--that -if ever I owed any man a farthing he would break my neck, and my mother -said at the same time--blubbing into a handkerchief as she said it--that -she would rather see me in my coffin than in the bankruptcy court. All -the same, they both cheered up like anything after it was all over, and -father said he should not hesitate to go through it all again if -necessary; but, still, I wouldn't for the world tell them what I've -done. In fact, they think that I have money in hand and subscribe to -the chapel offertories, and do all sorts of good with my ten bob a term; -whereas the truth is that I have to pay it all away instantly on the -first day of the term, and have had to ever since two terms after I -first came." - -"What you must do, then, is to go bankrupt," said Gideon thoughtfully. - -"Yes," I said, "that's just the whole thing. How do you begin?" - -"Generally other people begin," said Gideon. "Creditors, as a rule, do -what they think will pay them best. Sometimes they will show great -patience, if they think it is worth while, and sometimes they won't. My -father has told me about these things. He has had to bankrupt a few -people in his time, though he's always very sorry to do it." - -"In my case nobody will show patience, because it's gone on too long," I -said. "In fact, the only one who has got anything out of me for three -terms is Steggles, who has taken my bat." - -"He has foreclosed on a mortgage. He was quite within his rights for -once," said Gideon, who rather hated Steggles, because Steggles always -called him 'Shylock junior.' - -"To begin," continued Gideon, "two things generally happen, I believe; -there is a meeting of creditors, and soon afterwards the bailiffs come -in." - -"I remember my father mentioning bailiffs wildly to my mother," I said, -"but I don't think they ever came in; if they did, I never saw them." - -"Then no doubt the meeting of creditors decided against it; and a -meeting of creditors is what you'd better have," declared Gideon. "Tell -everybody you owe money to that there is to be a meeting in the gym. on -Thursday evening to go into the affair. I will be there, if you like, -as I understand these things pretty well." - -I thanked Gideon very much indeed and asked him if he could tell what -happened next after the meeting. - -"The claims are put in against you," he explained, "and then you say -what you've got to say, and give a reason why you can't pay; and then -your assets are stated." - -"What are assets?" I asked. - -"What you've got to pay with, or what you hope to have in course of -time." - -"I've got nothing at all," I said, "and never shall have until I'm old -enough to go into an office and earn money." - -"Then the assets will be nil," said Gideon. "But they can't be -absolutely nil in your case. For instance, you have a watch, and you -have that Chinese charm you bought from Tin Lin Chow and various other -things, including the green lizard you found on the common last -Saturday, if it's still alive." - -"I can't give up the watch," I said, "it isn't mine. It's only lent to -me by my mother. The lizard died yesterday, I'm sorry to say, owing to -not liking captivity." - -"Well, at any rate, the thing is to declare something in the pound," -Gideon told me. - -"It may be," I said, "but first get your pound. You can't declare -anything in the pound if you haven't got a pound. At least, I don't see -how." - -He seemed doubtful about that and changed the subject. - -"Anyway, I'll be at the meeting of creditors," he promised; and I felt -sure he would be, because Gideon was never known to lie. - - - - *II* - - -A good deal happened before the meeting of creditors. Among other -things I went down three places in my form, because my mind was so much -occupied with going bankrupt; and I also got into a beast of a row with -the Doctor, which was serious, and might have been still more serious if -he had insisted on knowing the truth. It was at a very favourite lesson -of the Doctor's--namely, the Scripture lesson, and, as a rule, he simply -takes the top of the class and leaves the bottom pretty much alone, -because at the top are Macmullen and Richmond and Prodgers, all fliers -at Scripture, and their answers give the Doctor great pleasure; and at -the bottom are me and Willson minor and West and others, and our answers -don't give him any pleasure at all. But sometimes he pounces down upon -us with a sudden question, to see if we are attending; and he pounced -down upon me, to see if I was attending, and I was not, because my mind -was full of the meeting of creditors, who were more important to me for -the minute than the people in the Old Testament. - -So when the Doctor suddenly said, "Tell us what you know of Gideon, -Bannister, if you please," I clean forgot there was more than one -Gideon, and said-- - -"Gideon is an awfully decent sort, sir, and he has advised me to offer -something in the pound." - -Naturally the Doctor did not like this. In fact, he liked it so little -that he made me go straight out of the class and wait for him in his -study. Then he caned me for insolence, combined with irreverence, and -made me write out about Gideon and the dew upon the fleece twenty-four -times; which I did. - -I also asked our Gideon if he was by any chance related to the Bible -Gideon, and he said that it was impossible to prove that he was not, and -that it was also impossible to prove that he was. In any case, he said, -such things did not trouble him, though a friend of his father's, -wanting to prove that he was related to a man who died in the year 734 -A.D., went to a place called the Herald's Office and gave them immense -sums of money, and they proved it easily. He said also that it was a -jolly good thing the Doctor did not ask for particulars, because if he -had known that I was a bankrupt and just about to offer something in the -pound, he would probably have expelled me on the spot. - -Gideon asked me if I had done anything about the bankruptcy, and I told -him privately that I had. But I did not tell him what. I had, in fact, -taken a desperate step and written a letter to my grandmother. I marked -it "Private" in three places, and begged her, on every page, not to tell -my father; because my father was her son, and he had often told me that -if I wrote to her for money he would punish me in a very terrible -manner, How, he never mentioned, but he meant it, and so I had to make -my grandmother promise not to tell him. I wrote the letter seven or -eight times before I got it up to the mark, then I borrowed one of -Foster's envelopes, already stamped with pink stamps for writing home, -and sent it off. It was the best letter I ever wrote, or ever shall -write, and this is how it went-- - - -"MY DEAR GRANDMOTHER, - -"I write this line, though very busy, to hope that you are exceedingly -well and enjoying the fine weather. I hope your lovely, little clever -dog, 'Fido,' is well also. I never see such a clever and beautiful dog -anywhere else. My parents write to me that they are well. I am quite -well. At least, I am quite well in body, though I have grown rather -thin lately through not being able to eat enough food. This is not the -fault of the food. It is my _mind_. You will be very sorry to hear, -dear grandmother, that I am a bankrupt. I hope you may never know what -it is to be one, for it is very terrible, especially if you are -honourable and honest, as I am, owing to the books you always give me so -very kindly at Christmas. To be a bankrupt is to be called upon at any -moment to have to pay something in the pound, and this is a dreadful -position, but even more dreadful in my case than in some others. For -instance, when dear father was bankrupted he paid something in the pound -and had plenty over for a bottle of champagne; but in my case _I have -not got the pound_. - -"I don't mean, of course, my dear grannie, that I want anybody to _give_ -me the pound; but the terrible thing is, I can't be a bankrupt without -it, and so really I don't know what will happen to me if I don't get it. -If by any wonderfully kind and lucky chance you could _lend_ me a pound, -my dreadful situation would, of course, improve at once, and I should, -no doubt, get fatter and cheerfuller in a few days; but as it is I lie -awake and sigh all night, and even wake chaps with the loudness of my -sighs, which fling things at me for keeping them awake. But I cannot -help it. I don't tell you these things to worry you, dear grannie, as -very likely you have worries of your own; but it would not be honest not -to tell you how very badly I want a pound just for the moment. There is -to be a meeting of my creditors in the gymnasium in a few days, and how -I am going to declare anything in the pound I don't know. It makes me -feel terribly _old_, and I have gone down several places in my class and -been _terribly caned_ by Dr. Dunstan. But nothing matters if I can -honourably get that pound. It would change the whole course of my life, -in fact. My beautiful bat has gone, you will be sorry to hear, owing to -a mortgage, and I hope you may never know what a mortgage is. I have to -borrow it now when I play cricket. But I am playing very badly this -term, because you cannot be in good form if the brain is worrying about -a pound. I shall lose my place in the second eleven, I expect. I have -missed several catches lately, and I fancy my _eyes_ are growing _dim -and old_, owing to being awake worrying so much at night about that -pound. - -"Of course if you can give any sort of idea where I can get that pound I -shall be very thankful. Unfortunately, in this case, five shillings -would be no good, and even ten would be no good, strange though it may -seem. Only a pound is any use. I must now conclude, my dear grannie, -with best love and good wishes from your very affectionate grandson, - -"ARTHUR MORTIMER BANNISTER. - -"P.S.--Though all this fearful brain worry has thrown me back a lot in -class, still _my Scripture is all right_, and I shall be able to say the -Kings of Israel, either backwards or forwards, next holidays, in a way -that, I hope, will surprise you. I have been a good deal interested in -Gideon and the dew upon the fleece lately." - - -Well, I sent off this ripping letter, which was far, far the longest and -best I had ever written in my life; and before sending it I printed at -the top of each page, "Don't tell father," feeling that to be very -important. Then I waited and hoped that my grandmother would read the -letter in the way I meant her to, and great was my relief when I found -that she had. On the very morning of the meeting of creditors she wrote -a whacking long letter and sent a postal order for a pound; and the -letter I put away for future reading and the postal order I took to Mr. -Thwaites, who always changes postal orders into money for boys. - -Me seemed surprised at the great size of the postal order, but gave me a -golden pound and told me to be careful of it. I was so excited that I -very nearly got kept in at morning school, but I escaped; and when the -time came I went to Gideon, and he walked up to the gym. with me to meet -the creditors. - - - - *III* - - -Ten chaps were assembled for the bankruptcy, but I jolly soon cleared -out Stopford, because the sixpence he said I owed him had been paid at -the beginning of the term, and Westcott was able to prove it. So -Stopford went, but reluctantly. Steggles also went. He wanted me to -take back my mortgaged bat and owe him about six shillings instead, but, -knowing Steggles, I felt sure that something must have gone wrong with -the bat, and when I examined it, I found that it was so. In fact, the -bat was badly sprung; and Gideon said it was like Steggles, and a -beastly, paltry thing to try to do. So Steggles also went, and that -left eight fellows. These eight chaps were told to make their claims, -and when they had, Gideon made me examine them to see they were all -right. Only four claimed too much, and Mathers, who is an awfully -kind-hearted chap, claimed too little. - -So I said, "I'm afraid I owe you one and nine, not one and three, -Mathers." - -And he said, "That's all right. I knocked off a tanner when you won the -house match against Browne's a week ago." Which shows the sort of chap -that Mathers was. - -I said, "Does anybody else feel inclined to knock off anything owing to -my winning the house match against Browne's?" - -But nobody did, and seeing that five of the creditors actually belonged -to Browne's house I couldn't expect that they would. - -"When you've admitted the claims," said Gideon, "I'll add them up -myself." - -So I went through the claims and had to admit them all. - -Then Gideon added them up and said-- - -"The claims lodged against you, Bannister, amount to exactly one pound -twelve shillings and eightpence; but I think you told me that the -tuck-woman was also a creditor. If so, she ought to be here." - -[Illustration: "THE TOTAL LIABILITIES ARE EXACTLY TWO POUNDS," SAID -GIDEON.] - -"I have spoken to her," I said, "and she says that I owe her seven -shillings and fourpence. That is the figure. I told her that I was -going to have a meeting of creditors, and she said I was beginning early -and that she wished she could let me off, but that she had an invalid -husband and twenty small children at home--or some such number." - -"Then the debt ranks good," said Gideon. So he added the seven and -fourpence to the one pound twelve shillings and eightpence. - -"The total liabilities are exactly two pounds," said Gideon. "Now, -Bannister, as the debts are admitted to be two pounds, the next question -is, what are the assets? I may tell you kids," he continued, turning to -Corkey minimus, and Fairlawn and Frost, who were the smallest of the -creditors in size and age, "that the word 'assets,' which you very -likely do not know, means what Bannister has got to pay you with. You -have made him a bankrupt and he owes you two pounds; so now the simple -question is how much can he pay of that money? Of course he can't pay -it all--else he wouldn't be a bankrupt--but he is going to pay according -to his assets. Now, Bannister," he concluded, turning to me, "you'd -better tell the meeting what your assets are. Does everybody -understand?" - -Everybody understood, or said they did, except Frost, and he kept on -saying over and over again, like a parrot, "Fivepence and a lead pencil, -five-pence and a lead pencil," till Gideon at last had to tell him to -shut up and not interfere with the meeting. - -Then I spoke. I said, in finite a quiet sort of way, as if it was an -everyday thing-- - -"I have decided to pay something in the pound, Gideon." - -But Gideon was rather impatient. - -"We all know that. That's what we're here for," he said. - -"You couldn't all know it," I answered, "because none of you knew that -I'd got a pound. You can't pay something in the pound unless you've got -one. And I thought it might interest the creditors at this meeting to -know that I have got one." - -They were frightfully interested, naturally, and even Gideon was. I put -it into his hand and he looked at it and turned it over and nodded. - -"The assets are a pound," said Gideon; "I've no doubt you'll all be glad -to hear that." - -The chaps evidently felt very different to me when they heard the assets -were a pound, because most of them, as they told me afterwards, didn't -know there were any assets at all. They got rather excited, in fact, -and Fowle even asked if there might be any more assets. - -But I said, "No. There is only this pound. When I became bankrupt I -determined that I would pay something in the pound, and I wrote to -private friends and put the position before them, and they quite agreed -with me and sent the pound; and now I am going to pay something in it. -I don't quite know what that means, but it is an honourable and proper -thing to do; and Gideon does know what it means, and I shall be very -much obliged to him if he will say what I am to pay in it." - -"It is quite easy," said Gideon. "You have a debt; you can't pay it -all, so you pay so much in the pound." - -"That's what I'm going to do," I said. - -"The question is, how much you're going to pay in the pound," said -Forrest, who had made more row than all the rest of the creditors put -together, though I only owed him a penny. - -"I know that's the question without your telling me," I answered. -"Gideon has the pound, and he will say what I am to pay in it." - -Gideon looked rather puzzled. - -"You don't seem to understand even yet, Bannister," he said. "You don't -pay so much in the pound of the assets; you pay so much in the pound of -the debts." - -I didn't pretend to understand what Gideon meant by this complicated way -of putting it, and told him so. - -"All I want," I said, "is to do the strictly honourable thing and pay so -much in the pound, which I have handed over to Gideon for that reason." - -But Gideon, much to my surprise, seemed to feel rather annoyed at this. - -"I wish you'd try and understand the situation," he said. "When you -speak of so much in the pound, it's a figure of speech in a sort of way. -It isn't a real, single, solitary pound." - -"It's real enough," I said; "Thwaites gave it to me in exchange for a -postal order." - -"_This_ pound is real, but----" Then Gideon broke off in a helpless -sort of way, and then he began again. - -"You owe two pounds--d'you see that?" - -"Of course," I said. "That's the whole thing." - -"And you've got one pound--d'you see that?" - -He held it up, as if he was going to do a conjuring trick with it. - -Of course I said I did see it. - -"Then, if you owe two pounds and can only find one, how much are you -going to pay in the pound?" - -"Whatever you think would be sportsmanlike, Gideon," I said. - -"It isn't a question of being sportsmanlike, it's a question of simple -arithmetic," he said. "You've got twenty shillings, and you owe forty; -you owe just twice as many as you've got; therefore it follows that -you'll pay ten shillings in the pound; and that's a good deal more than -many people can." - -"I'll pay more than that," I said. "I'll pay fifteen shillings." - -"What an ass you are, Bannister!" answered Gideon. "You _can't_ pay -fifteen shillings, you haven't got it to pay." - -"My Dear chap," I said, "I've got a pound." - -"You've got nothing at all," he said. "You pay ten shillings in each of -the two pounds you owed, and then there's nothing left." - -After that I began to see; and when we went into it all and got change, -and paid each chap exactly half of what I owed him, it turned out that -Gideon was perfectly right, and there wasn't a farthing left over. -Everybody was fairly well satisfied except the tuck-woman, but nobody -seemed much obliged to me; and I couldn't help thinking that though -Gideon had been awfully decent about it, and managed it all frightfully -well, nevertheless a grown man would have managed it even better. -Because, take my father's bankruptcy and look how jolly different that -turned out to mine. I don't know what he paid in the pound, but I do -know there was enough left over for him to buy a bottle of champagne, -and for my mother to say "Thank God!" Whereas my bankruptcy appeared to -have left me exactly where I was before, and there was nothing whatever -left over to buy even a bottle of ginger beer. - -I pointed this out to Gideon, and he said-- - -"Of course I don't know how much your father paid in the pound." - -Presently I said, "I'm awfully obliged to you, Gideon, and I shall never -forget how kind you have been. And I wonder if you'd mind adding to -your fearful kindness by lending me a penny." - -"What for?" said Gideon; "ginger beer?" - -"No," I said; "for a stamp to write to my grandmother. I may tell you -privately that she sent that pound out of her own money, and it was very -sporting of her, and of course I must thank her." - -Gideon didn't much like it, I could see; but at last he brought out the -penny and entered it in his book. - -"If you can pay it back by the end of the term I'll charge no interest," -he said. - -And just to show what luck Gideon always has, the very next Sunday, at -church, I found a three-penny piece, doubtless dropped by somebody, so -Gideon had his penny back in three days, and I went so far as to offer -him a halfpenny interest, but he would not take it from me. - - - - - *THE TIGER'S TAIL* - - - - *No. IV* - - *THE TIGER'S TAIL* - - *I* - - -Curiously enough a very curious thing happened to the other foreign -curiosity that Johnson maximus sent to Dr. Dunstan. You may remember -that Johnson, who is in the merchant service, brought the Doctor home a -parrot and a tiger's skin, and that strange things overtook the parrot, -especially after death. Well, strange things also overtook the Bengal -tiger's skin, owing to me and Freckles and Smythe. I am Macmullen, and -the real name of Freckles was Maine, and he came from Australia and had -a great ambition to be a bush-ranger in course of time, and revive the -practice of bushranging in New South Wales. Among other things that he -had was an important bowie-knife--the same the Chinese boy, Tin Lin -Chow, borrowed to commit 'harri-kari' with and failed. Well, with his -great feeling for sport, Freckles naturally felt a good deal of interest -in the tiger's skin, and often went to look at it in the Doctor's study. -It was a good one, no doubt--white and yellow and black, with a long -tail and a very fine head. In this head were glass eyes, like life, and -the mouth was open and pink, with terrific teeth--worn smooth where the -tiger had chewed his prey. - -[Illustration: FRECKLES OFTEN WENT TO LOOK AT IT IN THE DOCTOR'S STUDY.] - -Then there came to Merivale a kid called Smythe. He was very small, but -pretty solid and rather decent, and keen as mustard, and fiery in colour -too. - -It's a rum thing with boys, that some get chums with the greatest ease -and some never do. And also the boys who often want to make chums never -do, for some reason or other. But this kid soon made chums, though I -couldn't tell you why. Of course he was nothing to me, because I'm -thirteen--in fact, nearly fourteen--but for a chap just ten he was all -right, and other chaps of his own age found him interesting. He had a -lot of rather peculiar knowledge, gathered up from his father, who was a -very learned man and wrote books for libraries. And he believed in -heathen charms and old sayings, and remembered many queer things that -his father had told him. He wanted to be the caretaker of a museum some -day, but said that he hoped to be allowed to travel round the world -first, like Darwin did, and see dwarfs and giants, and write books, and -shoot a few specimens of different things not often heard of. - -Of course he went through the ordinary adventures of new boys at -Merivale, and it was in the matter of the 'kid test' that he became so -generally known as a kid out of the common. - -There is, just beyond the cricket ground, and before you come to the -wood, a huge clump of rhododendrons that is covered with purple flowers -in May. It is just the sort of place that a wild beast would choose for -its lair, if there were wild beasts at Merivale, and it was a regular -thing with kids to tell them that a savage animal did live there, and -only came out at night. This beast was a test of the pluck of new kids, -and the new kid who would walk past the rhododendrons after dark alone, -was considered to be all right. Of course something was done to make it -seem more terrible, and, in fact, till he left, John Batson, the -gardener's boy, was always told to hide in the rhododendrons, and shake -the bushes and growl when a test was being made. This he did very well, -having a chronical sore throat, and a very harsh and growling voice, -like a ferocious beast. But he had to go, owing to some row with the -servants, and the new gardener's boy could only squeak, and was useless -for the test. Generally, however, somebody in the fifth could be got, -and for some time Freckles kindly obliged when a test had to be made. It -amused him, and he growled very fairly well, and could also imitate -wolves in a state of hunger, which he had once heard at a menagerie. - -Well, young Smythe was told about the mystery of the rhododendron bed, -and seemed more interested than frightened. - -"Hasn't anybody ever seen the thing?" he asked. - -"No," answered Steggles, who was there. "The sound it makes is so -frightful that chaps generally run for their lives, and never wait to -see it." - -Smythe was very keen about it. - -"I wish my father would come up and hear it," he said. - -"The point is," explained Freckles, "that each kid must go past alone. -It only growls for kids, and doesn't growl for grown-up people. It is a -test of bravery. There are chaps here still who have never been brave -enough to pass after the first growl. They were chaps who turned out -quite brave in every other way, too." - -"What have I to do?" asked Smythe. - -"You've got to walk out on an appointed night, after evening school, and -go round the rhododendron bed twice, no matter what happens. It is a -winter beast, and is never heard in the summer. So it is a winter test. -You've just come in time for it," explained Fowle, who was also there. - -Smythe had been at Merivale about a fortnight when he was asked to -undergo the great kid test. - -He thought a bit after this speech from Fowle. Then he asked a question. - -"And what do you think the creature is?" - -"Nobody knows," said Fowle. "Of course if that was really known, -something might be done." - -"It ought to be shot," said Smythe; but Gideon thought not. - -They all pretended to be serious, and Smythe quite believed the story, -because he was very young. In fact, only one kid had ever refused to -believe it. - -"No," declared Gideon; "it may be the only beast of its kind in the -world, and to shoot it would be a thousand pities." - -"Then it ought to be photographed," said Smythe. - -"Impossible, because nobody ever sees it," answered Steggles. - -"That's no reason," said Smythe; "it might be done with Rontgen rays." - -Which shows what a clever kid he was, though so ready to believe this -rot about the beast. - -"One person did see it, however," said Fowle, "and that was Montgomery, -who went into a bank last term, and it left a great impression upon -him." - -"What did he say it looked like?" asked Smythe. - -"A sort of thing between a tiger and a donkey," answered Fowle very -seriously. - -"Rum," said Smythe. "It might belong to the zebra family." - -"Zebras don't growl," said Freckles. - -"More they do," admitted Smythe. "They bray." - -Then he went on to tell us some things about zebras that we didn't know -ourselves. - -"If it could be killed, it would be a good thing," said Smythe; "and the -chap who did it would have a very precious charm, because the skin, or -part of the skin of a savage beast is a very tremendous charm to the man -or boy who gets it. The Boringos, my father said--at least, I think they -were Boringos, or if not, Kinnatoos, or some other tribe--always wear -the skin of a fierce beast next their own skin, and by so doing get the -fierceness of the beast into themselves, and so nobody ever interferes -with them, and they always have the most remarkable luck, and live to a -great age. So this fierce beast would be a good chance." - -"You might have a dash at it," said Freckles, though he could hardly -help laughing. "If you killed it and skinned it, and wore a bit of the -skin, it would be a fine thing for you." - -"Yes, it would," admitted Smythe. "I'd risk a good deal; but I've got -nothing to kill anything with except a catapult, and of course that's no -good against a fierce and growling beast." - -Everybody laughed, but young Smythe was as serious as possible. - -"If anybody would lend me a decent knife, I'd have a go," he said. - -"You'll be frightened when you hear its dreadful sound," declared Fowle. -"I was, and I'm never ashamed to say so." - -"Very likely I might be," admitted Smythe. "But often a jolly good thing -has been done by a man who was in funk at the time; and I'd have a dash, -anyhow; because, think if I succeeded, and got a charm that would last -for a lifetime!" - -"I'll lend you my well-known bowie-knife if you'll be careful of it," -said Freckles. - -With that he took it out of his pocket, where it hangs suspended by a -lanyard, so that Freckles can get it in a moment, in time of need, when -he goes on his hunting expeditions on half-holidays. - -Young Smythe thanked him frightfully, and took the knife. - -"It's just been sharpened for me by the gardener," explained Freckles. -"It can pretty-well cut hairs, so you'd better be careful." And Smythe -promised he would be. - -Then it was decided that the test should take place that evening before -evening prep. It was a good day to choose, because the Doctor and Mrs. -Dunstan were going out to dinner somewhere, and we always felt a sort of -feeling of more freedom at such times. - -When the kid had gone I warned Freckles that he might be doing a -dangerous thing; but he laughed and said not. Then Steggles had one of -his terrific ideas, that nobody gets but Steggles, and he said-- - -"What a lark it would be if we could fake up a fierce beast, and make it -come out of the rhodo. bed just as you let off a frightful yell, -Freckles!" - -Of course Freckles admitted it would. - -"With some kids one couldn't dare," he said. "Such a thing happening to -Mathers, for instance, would certainly make him go dotty for ever; but -this kid doesn't know what fear is. It would be a lark to see what he'd -do." - -"You'd better be pretty careful, or he'll stab you," said Gideon. "He's -jolly quick, and you'd look rather a fool if a new kid went and ran you -through with your own bowie-knife." - -"So I should," admitted Freckles; "but I'm not afraid. You forget my -great power of seeing in the dark. I'm jolly near as good as a cat at -it." - -Then I suddenly had the most awfully fine idea, apart from machinery, -that ever I did have. Little did I know what would happen, but still, -looking back, it is only fair to me to admit the awful fineness of the -idea. I said-- - -"The Doctor being out, couldn't we get the tiger-rug and stuff it with -pillows, and stick it up on four cricket-stumps just round the corner of -the rhodo. bed? Then, where we are all hidden behind the pavilion, we -see the fun, and after it's over and the kid has bolted, we can take the -skin back." - -Freckles whistled, and Steggles asked-- - -"Did you think of that all by yourself, Macmullen?" - -And I said, "Certainly I did." - -But Gideon thought it wouldn't do. - -"In his excitement he might actually stab the skin," he said; "and that -would lessen the value of it a great deal. The Doctor would be -frightfully annoyed." - -"Not that that matters," said Steggles. - -"No," admitted Gideon, "not to us; but a treasure is a treasure, and -just for the sake of swizzling a kid it seems a pity to spoil a valuable -tiger-skin worth three or four pounds at least, and perhaps more." - -However, we didn't look at it in that light. Steggles and Freckles were -a great deal taken with the idea, and Fowle, who was something of an -artist, or thought he was, promised to make the tiger-skin look alive if -somebody else got it. Of course he wouldn't have run the risk of taking -it--such an utter footling coward as him. No more would Steggles. - -I and Freckles both wanted to have the honour of getting it, and I -argued that as the idea was mine I ought to be allowed to do this; but -Freckles said that as a much more experienced hand at adventures and -dangers than me, he must do it. - -He said, "If it was machinery, Mac., I should say nothing; but for -breaking rules and doing daring things after dark you are not in it with -me." - -Which was true. So he got the rug, and was late for prayers in -consequence; but when Briggs reads prayers instead of the Doctor, many -are late, because Briggs is short-sighted. Besides, the other masters -generally don't come at all when Briggs reads them, though they never -dare to stop away when the Doctor does. - -Anyhow, Freckles got the rug, and Fowle, with some cricket-pads and -Thompson's bicycle, faked up a most extraordinary and hideous monster -looking out of the rhododendrons. It glared through its glass eyes and -seemed ready to spring, and its tail was stretched into the path, with -the point, as it were, wagging like a cat wags her tail when she's in a -bate. Even before dusk it looked terrible, but much more so when it -began to get dark. - -Then the time came, and we hid behind the edge of the pavilion, and -Freckles practised a growl or two, and got into the rhodo. bed, and -Steggles found young Smythe and told him the time for the test had come. - -Steggles said, "The playground is quite empty now, and I see the -rhododendrons bending in the middle, so the beast is evidently there. -You'd better be quick, and go and get it over--twice round, mind." - -Smythe was pale, but firm. - -"One thing," he said, "the chap called Fowle has been trying to funk me -all the afternoon, and he says the beast has killed two boys in its -time, and that they were both red-haired boys. Of course, if that's -true, it is rather serious, me being red-haired." - -"You needn't mind what Fowle says," answered Steggles; "he never passed -the test at all. I remember when he came as a kid--the nastiest kid -that ever did come, for that matter. He is a coward to the backbone, -and would rather have paid away his pocket-money for the whole of the -term than go through the test." - -"So I was told," said Smythe; "and I told him he was a coward, and that -I didn't care for him trying to funk me. All the same, if it really and -truly killed two boys with red hair----" - -"It didn't," replied Steggles. "On my word of honour, it didn't. It -feeds on poultry, I believe, and nobody can really prove that it ever -killed a boy. You just show what you're made of, and you'll soon find -you've got good friends up in the fifth form, including me myself. As -for Fowle, since Travers licked him with one hand tied behind him, and -since Johnson found the name of 'Maude' written thirty-two times in -various letterings on his blotting-paper, nobody has cared to be seen -with him. He can draw angels with wings fairly well, though nobody -wants them when they are drawn; and that's all he can do but sneak, and -tell lies, and be a cur in general." - -So Smythe was comforted, and took out the bowie-knife lent him by -Freckles, and went off, as he supposed, into the empty playground. But -there were at least twenty chaps hidden there to see what he would make -of the beast that Fowle and Freckles and I had set up. - - - - *II* - - -Well, young Smythe came boldly on, and only stopped when Freckles gave -his first growl. Then the kid stood still, and then he pulled out the -bowie-knife and opened it. He evidently felt that it would be better to -do the deed pretty quick, before he had time to think about it; so, -despite the sounds and howls of Freckles, he dashed round at his best -pace, and was actually past the beast before he had grasped the horror -of it. But he saw it all right, and he told me afterwards that the -moment he saw it he began to stream with perspiration strangely enough, -though the night was jolly cold. He also said that there came a very -strange feeling in the pit of his stomach, but he couldn't be sure -whether he felt frightfully hungry, or merely that he was going to be -sick. He waited a moment before making the second dash round, and we -could see him dimly panting, and his breath going into the air like -steam. At the same moment the bell also rang, but nobody went -immediately, because we wanted to see if Smythe would face the beast -again. Freckles now began to imitate wolves in a state of hunger, and -Steggles bet me sixpence that Smythe wouldn't go round again. But, of -course, nobody but new boys, who don't know him, ever bets with -Steggles, as he has never been known to pay when he loses. So I took no -notice. - -Then Smythe dashed round again, and we were just going to come out and -rot him about it, and cheer him for passing the test, when he did a -thing of the most astonishing character. He seemed now to have got a -little accustomed to the horror of the beast, and he suddenly crept -towards it with the bowie-knife of Freckles ready to strike. He -regularly stalked it, like a hunter stalks his prey, and Freckles, who -was hidden just behind the beast, growled and roared all he could; but I -think he roared rather nervously, for the kid looked frightfully keen, -and evidently meant to have a dash at the beast, whatever happened. We -were just going to rush out and stop him, but he didn't give us time. -He suddenly screamed very loudly, partly to keep up his own courage, and -partly to distract the beast, and then he dashed forward, and stooped -down and cut the creature's tail off at a blow! He then leapt aside -very cunningly--to avoid its spring, as he told me afterwards; but of -course it didn't spring, but only glared. A moment later Smythe was -flying for his life--with the tail! - -As if this wasn't curious enough, still stranger things happened -afterwards. Because the next difficulty was what to do about it. In -fact, after young Smythe had hooked it with the tail of the Doctor's -tiger-skin, the rest of us looked rather fools. Of course, the first -thing to do was to get the skin back into the study, and this Freckles -did; and the next thing to do was to get the tail back from Smythe, and -this Fowle, who was monitor in Smythe's dormitory, promised to do that -night. - -But Smythe wouldn't give it up. He had most carefully hidden it, and -absolutely refused to give it to anybody! The next day Freckles, and -Steggles, and I had Smythe before us in the gym., and asked for an -explanation. We told him all about the test, and applauded him for his -bravery, but explained that the tail he had cut off belonged to Dr. -Dunstan's tiger-skin, and that its loss would make an awful row in the -school, and very likely end in his being expelled. Then he said that -Dr. Dunstan couldn't expel him, because he wouldn't know he had had -anything to do with the tail. Which was true; besides, the Doctor being -so blind, it might be a long time before he discovered the tail was -gone. Then Smythe argued jolly well for a kid. He said that, for all -he knew, the beast that we had made was a live, and furious, and -dangerous beast; therefore his bravery in cutting the tail off -single-handed with the bowie-knife was just as great as if it _had_ been -alive. Freckles admitted this. He said that the bravery of Smythe was -undoubtedly immense, and that, so far as that went, he richly deserved -to keep the tail. He even said that if he could have spared it he would -have given Smythe the famous bowie-knife; but of course he could not do -this, for it was his most important arm in all his own adventures when -he practised to become a bushranger. Then Steggles asked Smythe what he -had done with the tail; and Smythe made us promise faithfully not to -tell, and we did so. Then he said that he was wearing it next his -skin--round his stomach, in fact--and always should do so for the rest -of his life, if it worked well. - -He said, "It's awfully uncomfortable, and scratches something frightful, -but that's a mere nothing to the advantages. I didn't, of course, kill -the tiger, but in a way I might have; and, anyhow, I thought it was -alive; and I'm going to give it a fair trial." - -I asked him what he expected the tiger's tail would do for him, and he -said, "Make me fierce. By rights the fierceness of the tiger ought to go -straight into me, and I ought to fear nothing, in the same way that the -tiger when it was alive feared nothing. But as I didn't actually kill -the tiger, of course it may not work as I hope." - -He assured us solemnly that he believed the beast was alive when he -dashed at it and cut its tail off; and he also assured us that he had -never seen the Doctor's tiger's skin, and did not so much as know that -he had a tiger's skin. And we believed him, and let him keep the tail. - -Steggles, however, warned young Smythe of one thing. He said, "Be jolly -careful that Fowle doesn't see it when you're getting up or going to -bed, or very likely he'll sneak. He hates you already for scoring off -him, so mind you hide it from him." - -Smythe naturally thanked Steggles a good deal for this kind advice, and -said that he would be cautious, and that he already hated Fowle a good -deal, and that if he really did become fierce pretty soon, Fowle would -be the first to know it. - -So there the thing was left, and when the Doctor found that his tiger's -tail was gone--which he did do, owing to one of his daughters pointing -it out--nobody knew anything at all about it. - -The Doctor made far more fuss than we expected, and was bitterly hurt -over the loss, and seemed to be inclined to expel everybody, because -nobody would confess. But, of course, from the business point of view -he couldn't do that, because, as Gideon said, his occupation would have -been over, and it might have taken many years for him to collect -together one hundred and three boys again. Gideon also said that the -competition was fearful among school-masters, and expelling was quite a -thing of the past, owing to the difficulty of getting new ones. - -Then came the tremendous end of the whole business, and such fierceness -as young Smythe had managed to get, after wearing the tiger's tail for -three days, was as nothing to the fierceness of the Doctor when he found -it out. - -It burst upon us on a half-holiday, and the half-holiday, as such, was -ruined by it. After saying 'Grace' at dinner, Dr. Dunstan told the -school to be in chapel--every boy--at half-past two. Leave was stopped, -and only the football team, which played a match that afternoon, was -allowed to go. Everybody had theories during dinner, but nobody was -right, or anything like right. We noticed that the Doctor seemed -thundery, and that he looked sometimes very fixedly at the bottom of the -table, where Mr. Mannering, the underest master of the lot, though a -'blue,' presided over the dinner of the lower school. - -Then we went into chapel, and those interested in the tiger's tail were -all there, except Freckles, who is in the footer eleven. - -"Boys," began the Doctor, "I have received an anonymous letter, and if -any among you should be in doubt of the meaning of that word, I may tell -you that it is derived from the Greek _a_ and _onoma_, signifying -'without a name,' or 'nameless.' The letter is, in fact, unsigned. - -"Now, in the ordinary course of events, I should disdain to notice such -a communication. As I remarked during a newspaper controversy in '82 to -an agnostic writer who propounded infamous opinions and hid himself -behind the _nom de plume_ of 'Lucretius,' 'the man who fears to proclaim -himself, and lacks the courage of his own views, _ipso facto_, places -himself beneath the notice of any serious antagonist.' The discussion, -which verged on the acrimonious, and to which two bishops contributed, -was protracted through August and the earlier part of September. Then, -having proved my points to the satisfaction of all religious men, I -withdrew from the debate. That, however, is not what you are here to -know, and, indeed, happened many years before any among you was born. -What will more directly interest you is this: that for once I have -decided to give weight to my nameless correspondent's communication. It -is brief, and printed in capital letters. I shall rehearse it to you." - -Then he read out these remarkable words-- - - -"'_Dear Sir,--The tiger's tail is worn by Smythe next his skin, under -his vest._' - - -"That is all," continued Dr. Dunstan. "There is no clue--either to the -sender or to his object in conveying this astounding information to me. -Concerning him I shall make researches anon, when we have proved the -truth or falsity of his statement; but for the present we are concerned -with the name of Smythe. Now, the name of Smythe may not be familiar to -many among you. I find that Smythe is a newcomer. He has been at -Merivale only since the beginning of this term. He is very young, and -unusually ignorant, but he is not too young, and not too ignorant to -know the meaning of such simple and straightforward Anglo-Saxon as I am -in the habit of employing when I address my boys. He is aware that I -have a tiger's skin, and that this interesting relic is dear to me as -the gift of one who distinguished himself within these walls, and -carried the moral lessons, and even a little of the scholastic erudition -of Merivale School into the larger life beyond, when he went down to the -sea in ships. Huxley Smythe is also aware that this integument has been -mutilated by some senseless and wicked hand. Then let him come forward -and tell us more, if, indeed, he knows more than we all know. Let him -step before me and explain the significance of these words from a -nameless source. I hope with all my heart that he may proclaim them -false, and, what is more, prove them false, for Huxley Smythe's father -is a very distinguished and learned gentleman, and a Fellow of the Royal -Society. It is impossible too highly to esteem his discoveries and -surmises respecting the customs of the Ancients. Such a man puts truth -before all things; such a man will be cut to the heart if his offspring -should prove other than honest and upright. Come hither, Huxley -Smythe!" - -So Smythe went, and jolly cheap he looked. His face turned the colour -of gooseberry fool, and his hair seemed to become many shades redder -than usual as he walked up the chapel. He was naturally small, and he -seemed much smaller than he was, owing to walking up the chapel all -alone. - -"Speak," said the Doctor, "and address your remarks to me. Do you, or -do you not know what has become of the caudal appendage of my -tiger-skin?" - -"Yes, I do, sir," replied Smythe. - -"You do, sir! Then why, when I invited information on this subject, did -you deny it to me?" - -Smythe did not reply to this question. He merely said, "I cut off the -tiger's tail, sir, in a moment of great excitement, and having once got -it, I thought I'd keep it." - -"Well may you have been excited, sir, at the instant of such an outrage! -And what next, sir?" asked the Doctor. - -The whole of the upper part of his body began to lift in a lump, as it -always did when he got worked into a rage. - -"Next, sir, I decided to wear it round my waist." - -"And will you be so good as to enlighten us as to the reason for this -extraordinary decision?" - -"The Boringos do it, sir, or else the Kinnatoos. My father told me that -they----" - -"Boringos, sir! Kinnatoos, sir! What are the Boringos to you, wretched -youth--or the Kinnatoos, either? Because certain heathen nations, as -yet far from the light, indulge in gross superstition for their own -benighted ends, and credit inanimate objects with imaginary virtues and -grotesque qualities which we, who are civilized, know right well that -they do not possess--because these things are so, is that any reason why -a Christian boy in a Christian school should seek to emulate their -misguided credulity? The question before us is not why the Boringos do -these things, but why you cut off my tiger's tail, sir, and wore it -round your person?" - -"To get fierce, sir," said Smythe. - -The Doctor simply heaved in his indignation. - -"To get fierce, sir!" he said, repeating Smythe's words in a tone of -helpless despair. - -"Yes, please, sir. With luck the fierceness of the tiger ought to go -into me," explained Smythe. - -"This is almost too much," said Dr. Dunstan. - -"Because I thought that to be as fierce as a Bengal tiger would be -useful, sir," Smythe ventured to say. - -"Silence, sir!" roared the Doctor in such a tremendous tone of voice -that Steggles whispered to me the Doctor himself must have been wearing -about a dozen tigers' tails all his life. - -"And how _dare_ you want to be fierce, sir?" went on the Doctor. "You -come among us a child from a Christian home--an inexperienced and -ignorant youth. And yet at ten--for that is your age, Huxley -Smythe--you develop a disgraceful yearning to deteriorate from the state -of civilization to which you are born; you debase your intellect and -your morality by deliberate efforts to become demoralized; you seek to -take a retrograde step, and recover the ferocity of primitive--or, as we -say, pre-Adamite--humanity. You have striven to acquire the physical -brutality of palæolithic man, sir, and--worse, far worse--you -deliberately endeavour to impress upon your nature the disgusting -attributes of one of the most pestilential animals that an inscrutable -Providence has created and let loose upon this planet. He who could -seek to secure the attributes of the tiger, Huxley Smythe, must already -possess the potentialities of the wild ass! Never in the whole course -of my scholastic experience have I met anything quite so painful as this -depravity in a child of ten. Shed no tears, sir," went on the Doctor; -"the time has not yet come for tears." - -Because Smythe was blubbing a good deal at this dreadful view the Doctor -had taken of him. Of course he didn't understand a word of it, and that -made it all the worse. - -"And where is my tiger's tail now, sir?" finally asked Dr. Dunstan. - -"On, sir," answered Smythe humbly. - -"Then it had better be taken off, sir!" said Dunstan, and he roared -again. "Divest yourself of your upper attire, wretched boy. Let this -lesson not be lost on the least among us. Take off your clothes, sir, -so that one and all of us shall be warned what evil instincts may, and -do still mar human nature in the most unexpected quarters. I mourn for -your accomplished father, Smythe; and still more for your poor mother. -It was none too soon that they sent you into my care, young though you -be. Go and stand beside the fire, sir, that the ordeal may not -physically injure you." - -The kid went to the chapel fire, which always burns in winter, and took -off his coat and his waistcoat, his collar and his tie, and his shirt -and his vest. Under the vest, fastened round pretty tight, just below -his ribs, was the tiger's tail. He looked awfully rum like this, and -still cried a bit. A few chaps, including several of the sixth, laughed -out loud at the appearance of Smythe and the tail; but the Doctor soon -shut them up. - -"Silence! Silence!" he shouted out. "This is no laughing matter, -Mayne; and you, Trelawny; and you, Cornwallis major. We ought to weep -rather than laugh. Here is sortilege, necromancy, black art in our -midst! Here we find a boy permeated with the--with the fetishism, the -thaumaturgy, the demonology of the savage and the cannibal. And, what -is more astounding still, we find him at Merivale! Take off that tail, -sir!" - -Smythe undid the tail, and took it off. There was a bright red mark all -round his white body, and I should think the tail must have given him a -pretty good doing. A tiger's hair is undoubtedly scratchy when applied -to a tender part of the human frame, like the stomach; and perhaps -savages know this, and that is really the reason why they wear them. -Because nobody who kept a tiger's tail under his clothes for any length -of time could help getting fairly snappy, if not actually fierce. - -The Doctor ordered me to bring him the tail, because I happened to be -near, and he caught my eye. This I did, and meantime Smythe got back -into his clothes. Then the Doctor told the school it could go about its -business--all but the culprit; and he marched away solemnly and slowly -with Smythe and the tail. - -The tail was very skilfully sewn back into its original place, and -nobody who did not know the truth could have guessed at what had -happened to it. And Smythe told us afterwards that Dunstan talked to -him till tea-time, and then, suddenly reminded of the hour by the bell, -flogged him, but very slightly. It is always a hopeful sign if the -Doctor begins a row with talk; and the longer he talks, the less painful -is the end. But if he begins with the licking and talks afterwards, it -is bad, and adding insult to injury, as Steggles says. - -One thing may be worth mentioning. The Doctor never asked for details, -so Smythe never gave him any; and, as old Dunstan never heard about what -Freckles did, or I did, we escaped intact. This made what Smythe had -done seem far worse than it was. Of course we richly rewarded the kid -for being such a jolly good plucked one, and gave him many a thing worth -having; and we also made it up pretty thoroughly to Fowle for writing -the anonymous letter to the Doctor. It proved to be him, because nobody -else in the dormitory ever kept awake after everybody else was asleep, -which was in itself a beastly mean thing to do; and we made him finally -confess that he had spotted the tail. With the help of a Chinese -torture that Tin Lin Chow had shown us, we made him confess. It is -beautifully simple, and a kid can do it. And when Fowle confessed at -the first twinge, and said he did it for revenge because young Smythe -had cheeked him in front of about twenty chaps, we felt that he was -beneath a fine thing like a Chinese torture, and just kicked the calves -of his legs for a little while, and then arranged, as a punishment, for -the whole school to send him to Coventry for a week. Which was done. - - - - - *RICHMOND MINIMUS, PREACHER* - - - - *No. V* - - *RICHMOND MINIMUS, PREACHER* - - *I* - - -Properly speaking he wasn't 'minimus' in his preaching days; but once -there were three Richmonds in the field, as Dr. Dunstan used to say, and -after Richmond major went to Sandhurst, young Richmond ought to have -become 'minor,' and very much wanted to, but nobody could get into the -way of changing it. Even when he was left all alone and Richmond minor -left to go into a tea merchant's office, chaps still called him -'minimus.' - -His father was a clergyman who had risen into a rural dean; but -Morrison, who lived at Exeter and understood a frightful deal about -religious people, said that, while a very good thing in its way, a rural -dean was mere dust beside a cathedral dean. He seemed to think really, -though I don't know whether it is true, that a minor canon is almost as -classy as a rural dean, if not quite. Anyway, the father of Richmond -minimus was one, and, until Morrison explained that it was nothing to -make a fuss about, we were all rather interested. No doubt it was -through his father that Richmond got his preaching power. He was going -into the Church himself some day, and looked forward to being something -out of the common in course of time. He said that he always felt a -great liking for church--even from his earliest years--and had never -been known to object to going, though his brothers--especially the one -now training to become a tea merchant--had not in the least cared for -it. - -He was a frightfully good kid, and Mathers always said he would die -young, or else get consumption, if there was any truth in the stories we -were allowed to read on Sunday afternoons. In these, which were -different to week-day stories, there were many deaths. And sometimes -the bad boys died and sometimes the good ones; but they died in a very -different way. The good ones died in the lap of luxury, with their -friends crying round the bed, and grapes and clergymen, and pretty well -everything to make it all right; but the bad ones were smashed like -flies, owing to setting machinery in motion; or fell over cliffs -birds'-nesting; or got taken up by policemen. The difference was that -the good ones died from sheer bad health. They had hectic coughs or -something of that kind, and nobody could cure them--in fact, nobody ever -seemed to try to; but the bad boys were always as hard as nuts and never -had hectic coughs or anything. In fact, they would all be alive now if -they had only gone to church on Sundays and not always chosen that day -for adventures. In these adventures they invariably got mucked up, -excepting when occasionally they were saved by good boys coming home -from church, or sometimes even by good girls; which Stopford said must -have been worse than death, owing to his hatred of girls. - -This Stopford ought to have died a hundred times a Sunday really. He -was not merely bad. That was nothing, because we all were. At any rate, -none of us were good enough to get consumption. But he was a beast as -well--an utter beast--and nobody liked him but Fowle; and nobody ever -liked Fowle, so in self-defence Fowle had to like Stopford. - -This Stopford was a bully, among other things, and a great hater of -Richmond minimus. I think really it was the frightful sufferings of -Richmond that made him take to preaching in a way, because, though -Richmond minor was as old as Stopford, he had no muscles, being merely a -piece of string for strength; so, though Richmond major could tackle -Stopford, and did so till he left, after he had gone, there was nobody -much to care whether Stopford bullied the kid or didn't bully him. - -The first time I saw any of the instinct to preaching in Richmond -minimus was after a footer match. It was the time when Buckland Grammar -School licked us rather badly, owing to Mathers and Bray having smoked -in secret before the match and being in far too footling a condition to -play; and Richmond said to me afterwards, when we went back to -Dunstan's, smothered by four goals to none, that often what we did in -secret was rewarded openly. - -I said-- - -"Hullo! That's like the Doctor on Sunday." - -And he said-- - -"Let us take this defeat in a proper spirit, Gregson. It may be for our -good. As you know, I suffer a great deal from Stopford. Well, it will -all tell some day. I don't exactly understand now why Stopford is -allowed to twist my arms and then hit the muscles till they ache for -hours and often keep me awake at night; but there's a reason." - -"The reason is that Richmond major has gone," I said. - -"There's a better reason than that," he said. "I may turn Stopford from -his beastliness yet. Once or twice I've staggered him a bit with telling -him what will come of his cruelty to me." - -That was the first time I seemed to see a screw loose in Richmond -minimus; but he didn't absolutely preach right bang out until we'd had a -missionary at the chapel one Sunday. - -Our chapel was also the big school-room, and at one end were panels of -wood on week-days which very cunningly opened and turned into the Ten -Commandments on Sundays. On each side was a door, and one was the -Doctor's private entrance into the chapel, and the other was a deep -cupboard wherein were kept blackboards, large maps and other things. In -this chapel the missionary, who was an old pupil of Dr. Dunstan's, -preached to us about the heathen of some rather good-sounding place; and -Richmond minimus was so excited that he gave all his pocket-money and -borrowed two-pence of Williamson. In this manner he subscribed in all -fivepence; and if he could have borrowed more he would have given more. -From that day he decided to be a missionary at least, if not a martyr. - -The missionary was certainly a good preacher, besides having seen lions -wild. It shows the difference between chaps that the lion part -interested me most and the heathen part bored me, while Richmond minimus -simply hated the lions, but the heathen part seemed to act on him like -ginger-beer and excite him to a fearful pitch. - -Three days afterwards the fit burst out in Richmond minimus. I came -into the big school-room one night, ten minutes before the tea-bell, and -there he was preaching to about eight chaps, chiefly kids! But Mayne -and Morant were also there listening, Mayne being high in the sixth. -Words seemed to flow out of Richmond as easily as they flow out of a -master! He was talking about pocket-money. - -"What is it but round bits of silver and copper?" he said. "Yet, my -dear friends, there is a great power in it, and we should not spend it -all on self. There are thousands of people who never have pocket-money, -but they deserve it quite as much as us; perhaps more. Suppose you have -threepence a week, which I have myself. Will it hurt you to yield up -one halfpenny to the charity box? Oh, my friends, it won't! Yet that -half-penny, given cheerfully every week through the term, comes out at -twelve halfpennies, which is sixpence. Do it gladly and your holidays -will be brighter by sixpence well spent than they otherwise would be." - -Here the bell rang, and Mayne seemed in doubt whether to smack young -Richmond's head or rag him, or merely tell him he wasn't to preach -again. However, he did nothing except say to his chum, Morant, that it -was queer. - -It wasn't what Richmond minimus said, but the way he said it. He was as -keen and solemn as if he'd been preaching to a million people in a -cathedral. The stuff about his wretched pocket-money might have been -the most important thing ever uttered by a bishop, such was the way he -said it. You couldn't help listening. It was only afterwards, when you -thought about it, that you realized what tommy rot it was. To cast away -a half-penny into the charity box weekly was a childish idea, I thought; -and Gideon, who understands the ins and outs of pocket-money in a way -nobody else does, owing to being the son of a diamond merchant, said -that the idea was false political economy; and I said so too. - -As to Stopford, the charity box was a painful subject with him ever -since the Doctor happened to see him putting something into it. The -Doctor had found him subscribing rather often, and knowing the other -things that Stopford did, it much surprised him. So he set a trap and -had the box empty next time Stopford subscribed; and so at last found -out that it was Stopford who put in brace-buttons--a great problem that -had puzzled everybody the whole term. And they weren't even his own -brace-buttons. - -After preaching three times Richmond minimus had the nerve to attack -Stopford publicly in a sermon! About twenty chaps were listening to -him, and as soon as he uttered the name, Stopford prepared to go and -scrag him; but two or three big fellows told him to sit down and not -interfere, and Richmond was so strung up and in such a frightfully -excited state that he sailed right on and spoke about Stopford in a way -that made many chaps bar Stopford for weeks afterwards. - -"Oh, my friends," said Richmond--he was standing up in front of the -panels that turn into the Commandments on Sundays, and we were sitting -down in the body of the chapel--"Oh, my friends, and there is another -peril--a horror that walks in the noonday--a human leviathan seeking -what it may devour, and its name is Stopford! I who speak to you know -only too well this thorn in the flesh. I have suffered many things from -him, and shall again. But I suffer gladly. I am chastened for my own -good. Offences must come, but woe betide Stopford. He will have his -portion in the burning lake, my friends, for he is a son of Belial; and -he will call for a cup of cold water and probably none will bring it. -He is a bully, a coward, a cribber and a dirty beast who never even -washes his neck if he can help it. But black though his body may be, -his heart is blacker, dear friends----" - -It was at this point that Stopford jumped up with his eyes blazing; but -Trelawny rapped him on the head and told him to sit down again. And -Richmond minimus went on faster and faster. - -"Let us Christian spirits seek this vile boy and try and lift him out of -the slough. Let us not shun him as a thing unclean; let us not dispatch -him where the worms they crawl out and the worms they crawl in, dear -friends, but let us rejoice over this sinner as over a piece of silver -which is lost by a widow and was found again. Oh, my friends, remember -that Stopford is a human creature with a soul. It is hard to believe -this, but I am right. He is one of ourselves; that is the sad truth. -For our own sakes--for the sake of the school--let us try and turn him -from his evil ways, and teach him that to twist my arms in the sockets -till they ache all night is doing the devil's work, and that to kick me -till my shins, which are very thin, bleed and gather, is also the -devil's work; and to take sweets out of desks is also the devil's work; -not to mention many, many other things, such as smashing young Dobson's -birthday present from home and----" - -"I didn't take anybody's sweets, you little beast!" screamed out -Stopford; and the big chaps roared and gave three cheers for Richmond -and three hisses for Stopford. - -It was a frightfully exciting sermon, though never finished, and -Richmond minimus seemed quite dazed and wet with perspiration -afterwards. I talked to him in secret during evening prep., and told him -I was afraid that Stopford would never forgive him, and have a fearful -score off him sooner or later. I said-- - -"I remember hearing my father tell a story about a great clergyman--the -champion preacher, I believe--and being champion he had to preach to -Queen Victoria, which he did do. But instead of being terrifically -careful what he was about, he lost his head, like you did to-night, and -I believe he gave it to the Queen pretty much like you gave it to -Stopford. Not of course that the Queen was ever a quarter as bad as -Stopford. In fact, it was high treason to say she was bad at all--such -a magnificent Queen as her--easily the best ever known in history. And -everybody was in a frightful rage with the champion preacher; and the -Queen didn't like it too well herself; and the result was that he never -became the Archbishop of Canterbury, though it was a dead snip for him -before." - -"I know," answered Richmond minimus, "but when you're preaching, the -things come pouring into your mind. You can't pick and choose. You -have to say what you're told to say, if you understand me." - -I said I didn't in the least. - -"If you wanted to give it to Stopford in a sermon you ought to have -chosen a time when he wasn't among the audience," I said. - -"For safety, yes," admitted Richmond; "but at these times when I preach, -I care for nothing. I caught his little, hateful, pink-rimmed eyes on me -and my rage against him rose. I felt like those old prophets when they -had to go and give it straight out from the shoulder to the kings that -did evil." - -"It was jolly fine," I said. "But what about Stopford?" - -"If he would meet me publicly and argue it out----" said Richmond -minimus. - -I laughed. - -"That's not the way of Stopford," I said. "He won't argue about it; but -he'll give you his sort of sermon when he gets you alone in a corner -some evening after dark. Preachers are often pretty nearly martyred -before they've done with it; and they die gladly; and very likely -Stopford will martyr you." - -"Very likely he will," said Richmond minimus; but not as if he looked -forward to it. - - - - *II* - - -Everybody in the lower school expected some pretty fearful things would -happen to Richmond, but instead a miracle seemed to occur and Stopford -did nothing. Gideon thought that he might have taken an action for -libel against Richmond minimus if he had been grown up, owing to young -Richmond's saying what he said about stealing sweets. It was well known -to be true, but Gideon said that, curiously enough in law it didn't -matter in the least if you said the truth. Because the law is often -down on the truth far worse than on a lie. But Stopford never mentioned -the matter again, and actually behaved kindly to Richmond and gave him -two new kinds of nibs for his nib collection. He also let him have a -picture of a very beautiful girl out of a box of cigarettes. I asked -Richmond minimus what he thought of it, and he said Stopford was -converted, and that Stopford was his first triumph. He was so earnest -and hopeful about it that I felt when he became a missionary and went -into those lands near the equator, that he wouldn't be contented with -converting niggers, but jolly well want to convert lions and everything. - -Encouraged by the remarkable success of Stopford, Richmond minimus -preached several times more, and it got to be a regular lark, and chaps -came from the other houses to hear him. Stopford always came and took -it frightfully seriously; and then happened the row about Dr. Dunstan's -medlar tree, and Mr. Browne caught Stopford after dark and reported him, -and Mr. Mannering, the 'blue,' flogged Stopford at the order of the -Doctor. - -Now this Browne was the least but one of all the masters, and without -doubt the utterest squirt that ever came to Merivale as a master. It is -true that he was a Cambridge man, but there was nothing more to be said -for him. Young Forrest, however, knew something more, for it happened -by a curious accident that he came from the same place that Mr. Browne -did. What it was that Forrest knew we couldn't understand; but it -appeared that Browne gave Forrest a great deal of help with his prep. on -condition that he would not mention it. - -This man was very ignorant and could only teach kids, and even them he -didn't teach well. It was well known that he had many cribs in his -room, and often--especially when he had to take the fourth in -algebra--he would creep away from time to time and look at his crib -swiftly, and return, and do off a sum on the blackboard as if he had no -difficulty at all. He was great at having favourites, and he always -chose sneaks, and often turned on them afterwards, as he did on Fowle, -and also on Stopford over the medlars; though when caught, Stopford -solemnly swore to Browne that he was getting the medlars for him. - -Anyway, nobody liked Browne, and when Stopford begged Richmond minimus -to preach against Browne, he thought a little and finally said that he -would. - -I advised him strongly not to do it. - -I said-- - -"Can't you see the frightful danger? Some word you may say may get to -Browne's ears, and you may have a flogging at least, if you're not -expelled." - -But Richmond minimus shook his head. - -He said-- - -"Not at all. A word in season often does good, as in the case of -Stopford. I want to warn the fellows against the mean nature of Browne. -I want to show them what Browne is and how a master may use his power -like a beast, as Browne does." - -"If it gets back to him, you're cooked," I said. "And you know how you -work yourself up when you're preaching. I don't think it's at all -wise." - -"I've promised," answered Richmond minimus. "I'm going to preach -to-morrow evening in the time after tea before prep.; and all Browne's -house is coming to hear me." - -Somehow I felt from the first it would be the undoing of Richmond -minimus. The danger was too frightful. However, of course I went. It -was the biggest congregation Richmond ever had, and he said that he -itched to make a collection as he looked at the chaps--not for himself -but for some good purpose. A crowd was in the chapel before I got -there, and Browne's were all in a knot together, eager and longing to -hear what young Richmond had to say about Browne. A lot of fellows from -the sixth had also come in, and of course all the personal friends of -Richmond minimus were there. Stopford was also there. - -Richmond went up to the master's desk at the top of the room, full of -calm cheek, and said a few things of a general sort; then he caught -Stopford's eye. This reminded him and he began. - -"Now I want to speak to you of a subject that will especially interest -the boys of Mr. Browne's house, namely, Mr. Browne. My friends, I wish -I could say something hopeful about him; I wish I could tell you that he -was a bright, shining example for us all to follow and imitate; but -alas! you know it is not so. Mr. Browne is a very mean character. -Before saying these words about him I have thought a great deal about -him and studied him very closely, when, I am afraid, dear friends, I -ought to have been studying something else. But I tell you fearlessly to -beware of him. I know he has favourites; I know he encourages the sneak -and the tale-bearer in our midst; I dare say among you at this moment -may be some wretched chap who will go to Browne after my sermon and tell -him what I am saying now; but do I care? No, I do not care. Nobody -need care if they are doing right. Browne has had a good deal of -mystery about him, and I have come to the bottom of it. One among us who -lives where Browne does, knows the truth. I will not name him; but he -had his head slapped by Browne the day before yesterday, though it is -well known Dr. Dunstan won't allow our heads to be slapped, owing to the -danger of hurting the brain. At any rate Browne slapped his, and in a -moment of natural anger, my dear friends, that boy told me the truth. -Browne is a tailor's son! That, of course, is nothing against him. The -shameful and disgusting thing is that Browne is ashamed of it! He hates -to think of it. Oh, my friends, what a paltry nature is this. I dare -say his father is a better man than he is, though he _does_ make -clothes; and I do not hesitate to tell you, my friends, that Browne's -father makes clothes a long sight better than Browne teaches Latin; for -we have all noticed the scabby manner in which he continually sneaks out -of this room during class to rush up to his own study and consult cribs. -I say nothing of his appearance. He cannot help that, though he could -help those pink ties and those horrid boots with pearl buttons; but what -I do say is that with such a lesson in our midst we must learn firstly, -not to be ashamed of our parents, whoever they are; and secondly, not to -make friends of dirty sneaks; and thirdly, not to be a hound in general; -and fourthly, not to pretend we know enough Latin and algebra to teach -it, when really we don't know any worth mentioning; and fifthly, and -lastly, my friends----" - -What Richmond minimus was going to say for fifthly, and lastly, against -the wretched Browne, we didn't hear, for at this point a frightful thing -happened. The door of the cupboard on Richmond's right, where the -blackboards were kept, opened violently and out leapt no less a person -than Mr. Browne himself! - -A very strange sound went up from the congregation of Richmond minimus, -but he said nothing. For a moment Browne stood at bay, glaring out of -his double eye-glasses, like the picture of a wounded tiger in _C. B. -Fry's Magazine_; then the chaps began to scutter out, and many dived and -proceeded to the door entirely under the desks, hoping they would not be -recognized. In fact, I did this myself. But Browne was not bothering -about us. His eyes, which squint by nature, had turned in upon each side -of his nose and he was darting a horrid glance of rage and scorn at -Richmond minimus. - -Then, with dreadful slowness, he raised his hand and took Richmond by -the right ear and said-- - -"Come!" - -And Richmond merely said, "Yes, sir," and went, led by Browne, to the -Doctor. As for me, I felt that Richmond minimus need never have worried -about not being a martyr. He was going to be a martyr all right now. - -After the blow had fallen--about two days after--he told me exactly what -happened. By a curious chance the Doctor was writing a sermon himself -when Browne appeared before him. The Doctor always preaches at Merivale -on the first Sunday in the month, and this was the sermon he was -writing, no doubt. - -He put down his pen and took off his glasses and stretched his eyes in a -way he has; then he told Browne to speak. And Browne said-- - -"I have to report this boy for insolence and profanity combined. Never -have I known a boy do such a thing. Before half the school assembled in -the great school-room he stood up and preached." - -"Preached!" said the Doctor, looking with great surprise at Richmond -minimus. "What did he preach about?" - -"About me!" said Browne furiously. "He dared to preach about my private -affairs--at least----" - -"Begin at the beginning," said the Doctor. "How did particulars of this -outrage reach you, Browne?" - -"Through the boy Stopford," said Browne; and Richmond minimus fairly -gasped to think how mistaken he had been about converting Stopford. - -"Stopford," explained Browne, "came to me and said that he was very much -afraid that liberties were to be taken with my name. I refused to -believe it at first. Then, to satisfy myself, I went into the great -school-room at the time mentioned by Stopford and stood behind the -blackboards in the cupboard." - -Browne then related all that he had heard, and Richmond minimus said -that he trembled with indignation and spoke so fast that Dr. Dunstan had -to ask him once or twice to repeat the sentence. But Richmond admitted -that Browne's version of the sermon was very fairly just. - -Then the Doctor said-- - -"Thank you, Browne. I much regret your natural annoyance. You may -leave the sequel to me." - -So Browne hooked it and Richmond minimus was left alone with the Doctor. - -The Doctor said nothing for some time. Then he sighed, and looked at -his sermon, and rose and went to the cane corner. - -"What led you to do this outrageous thing, impious boy?" he asked. - -"I felt called to do it, sir," said Richmond minimus. "I've preached -seven times now, and more fellows come each time." - -"I am aware that you are probably destined for the sacred calling," said -Dunstan solemnly, "and your theological papers have always led me to -regard you as a promising recruit, Richmond minimus; but preaching, or I -should say a travestie, a bizarre burlesque of that difficult branch of -the pastor's calling! And to select one of your masters for a theme!" - -"He seemed a good subject to show what we oughtn't to do, sir. In -preaching, of course, you want----" - -The Doctor looked his most awful look, and Richmond minimus dried up. - -"Probably what I want in preaching is as well known to me as to you, -preposterous youth!" said the Doctor. "The present question is not what -I want in preaching, but what I want in boys; and what I expect from -boys after they have been for the space of three years under my personal -care and control. To play the buffoon before your fellows is in any -case degrading; but to do it under pretence of advancing their moral -welfare--to preach in jest--this is perilously akin to profanity. Only a -vitiated spirit of secularism can explain so gross an action. My heart -bleeds when I think upon your parents, Richmond minimus, and upon your -brothers who worthily upheld the honour and dignity of Merivale, and -now, in the wider field of life, are bringing forth the good fruit sowed -within these scholastic cloisters." - -The Doctor always spoke like this about chaps who had left. - -"Then," said Richmond minimus, "the usual event happened and, as you -know, on the next morning I had, in addition, to tell Browne I was sorry -publicly after prayers." - -"One thing," I said. "What was that 'fifthly and lastly' that you were -prevented from preaching?" - -But Richmond didn't remember; so it was lost. - -"Shall you ever preach again here?" I asked him. - -And he said not. He said-- - -"No. On the whole it isn't good enough. And yet you mustn't think I -mind the martyrdom. Only of course I don't want to be utterly martyred -and done for before I grow up." - -He evidently meant to be a martyr in rather a biggish way in foreign -parts, like the Germans in China; because when they are bashed by the -heathen, Germany always gets a few miles of China as payment. And so -Germany is proud of her martyrs, and the Emperor too. - -What did become of Richmond minimus I can't tell you. He ran away once, -to do good on a large scale, but he was captured and brought back before -he had time to do much worth mentioning. He'll tell you that story -himself. Anyway, he never preached again, and the whole affair, if it -did nothing else, helped to show what Stopford was. - - - - - *THE 'BOLSOVER' PRIZE* - - - - *No. VI* - - *THE 'BOLSOVER' PRIZE* - - *I* - - -There was once a chap at Dunstan's, ages and ages ago, called Bolsover, -who turned into a novelist afterwards; and he was so frightfully keen -about other chaps turning into novelists too that he gave a prize for -composition. It was a book worth a guinea, and Dr. Dunstan had to -choose it each year, and only the junior school was allowed to enter for -it, according to the conditions made by the chap who gave it. Gideon -calculated it out, and said that as twenty pounds is about good for one -pound at simple interest in an ordinary way, the novelist chap must have -handed twenty pounds over to Dr. Dunstan; and Steggles said he rather -doubted if the novelist chap would have much cared for the books that -Dr. Dunstan chose for the prizes; because they were not novels at all, -but very improving books--chiefly natural history; which Steggles said -was not good for trade from the novelist chap's point of view. - -No doubt old Dunstan ought to have bought stories; and Steggles went -further and said that it would have been a sporting thing for Dr. -Dunstan to get the novelist chap's own books, of which he wrote a great -many for a living. Steggles had read one once in the holidays, but he -didn't tell me much about it, excepting that there was a man who -appeared to have about four wives in it, and that it had three hundred -and seventy-five pages and no pictures. - -Anyway, the composition prize always interested us in the lower school, -and it interested me especially once, because the subject was 'Wild -Flowers,' and my cousin, Norman Tomkins, happened to be a frightful dab -at them. When he heard about it, Tomkins went instantly to Gideon, who -lends money at usury, being a Jew, and said, "Look here, Gid., I'll sell -you the 'Bolsover' prize for ten shillings now on the spot. As it's -worth a pound, you'll make fifty per cent. profit." And Gideon said, -"The profit would be about right, but where's the prize?" And Tomkins -said, "I've got to write for it on Monday week; but it's as good as -mine, because nobody in the lower school knows anything about wild -flowers excepting me, and I can tell you the name of thirty-four right -off the reel; so there's an end of it, as far as I can see." Which -shows what a hopeful sort of chap Tomkins was. - -But unfortunately Gideon knew the great hopefulness of Tomkins about -everything, and also knew that it did not always come off. He said, -"Who are in for the prize?" And I said, "First Tomkins, then Walters, -then Smythe, and also Macmullen." - -"There you are," said Tomkins. "Just take them one by one and ask -yourself. If it was wild animals, or queer old customs, Smythe might -run me close, or even beat me; but in the subject of wild flowers he is -nothing. Then young Walters doesn't know anything about anything, and -his English is frightfully wild, owing to his having been born in India. -Well, that only leaves Macmullen, and Macmullen's strong point is -machinery. He never looked at a flower in his life. When we went out -of bounds on the railway embankment, he simply sat and watched the -signals work, and took down the number of a goods engine that was new to -him. And when he got up, I discovered that he'd actually been sitting -on a bee orchis--one of the rarest flowers in the world! When I showed -him what he'd done, he merely said, 'A bee orchis? Lucky it don't -sting!' So that shows he's no use. In fact, when he hears the subject -hasn't got anything to do with steam power, I doubt if he'll go in." - -[Illustration: "WE WENT OUT OF BOUNDS ON THE RAILWAY EMBANKMENT."] - -But Gideon knew Macmullen better. - -"He'll go in," he said. "His age is just right, and he won't be able to -try again. He's not the chap to throw away the chance of getting a -pound book just because the subject doesn't happen to be steam power. -Besides, there's always time allowed to swat up the thing. I bet by -Monday week Mac. will know as much about wild flowers as you do--perhaps -more." - -"Of course, as a chum of his, you say that," answered Tomkins. "But -I've made a lifetime study of wild flowers, and it's childish to think -that Macmullen, or anybody else, is going to learn all I know in a -week." - -"He can spell, anyway," said Gideon, "which is more than you can." - -In fact, Gideon didn't seem so hopeful about Tomkins getting the prize -as you might have thought, and it surprised Tomkins a good deal. Gideon -had a right to speak, because in his time he'd won this prize himself. -When he won it, the subject happened to be 'Postage Stamps'; which was, -of course, like giving the prize to Gideon, owing to his tremendous -knowledge about money in every shape. - -The time was July, and so next half-holiday Tomkins and me went into the -country for a walk, for Tomkins to freshen up his ideas about the wild -flowers. - -He certainly knew a lot, but several things that I picked bothered him, -and once or twice, I think, he was altogether wrong about them. He also -picked a good many that he evidently didn't know at all, and carried -them back to school to ask Mr. Briggs the names of them and anything -worth mentioning about them. - -Then, coming back through Merivale, who should we see but Macmullen, -with his nose flat against the window of an old book shop there! - -"Look here," he said, "there's a second-hand botany in here for -sevenpence, and I've only got fivepence. I tried the man by showing him -the fivepence all at once, but he wouldn't come down. Can one of you -chaps lend me twopence till next week?" - -He looked at the flowers Tomkins had picked as he spoke. - -"D'you know many of them?" said Tomkins, knowing well that Mac. -wouldn't. - -"Only that--that nettle," said Macmullen rather doubtfully. - -"It isn't a nettle," said Tomkins. But he was so pleased to see what a -frightful duffer Macmullen really was, that he lent him twopence on the -spot. - -I thought he was rather a fool to increase Macmullen's chances like -this; but Tomkins said, in his large way, that a few facts out of a -botany book wouldn't help Macmullen now, especially if he didn't know -the difference between sage and nettles. - -"By Jove, I don't believe he knows the difference between sage and -onions, for that matter!" said Tomkins. - -Then Mac. came out with the book, and we all went back together. - - - - *II* - - -It was frightfully interesting to see the different ways those four -chaps went about trying for the 'Bolsover' prize. Tomkins got special -leave off games, and spent his spare time in the lanes. He confessed to -me that he was frightfully ignorant about grasses, and thought, on the -whole, that it would be safer to leave them out of the essay. Macmullen -told me that the whole subject bored him a good bit, but he thought he -could learn enough about it to do something decent in a week, because a -pound book was worth the fag. He was always pulling flowers to pieces, -and talking about calyxes and corollas, and seed-cases and stamens, and -other wild things of that sort. I asked Tomkins if it promised well for -Macmullen to learn about stamens and so on, and how to spell them; and -Tomkins thought not. - -Tomkins said, "Briggs may very likely favour him, as we know he has -before, owing to his feeling for everything Scotch, from oatmeal -downwards; but, all the same, the subject is wild flowers, not botany. -It's rather a poetical subject in a way, and that's no good to -Macmullen. No, I don't think Mac. has any chance, though he did ask old -Briggs to lend him the number of the _Encyclopædia Britannica_ with -'Botany' in it, to read in playtime." - -"I believe Briggs was pleased, though," I said, "for I heard him answer -that Mac. was going the right way to work. Anyway, Mac. read quite half -the article and copied some out on a bit of paper before he chucked it -in despair." - -Tomkins nodded, and I think he saw that it was rather a grave thing for -Macmullen to have done. - -"I might read it myself," he said. "I'm a little foggy between genera -and species, and varieties and natural orders, and so on. Not that all -that stuff matters. What you want is really the name of the wild -flowers themselves and their colours and ways. Do you happen to know -any poetry about flowers of a sort easily learned by heart?" - -I didn't; but young Smythe, who was there, answered that he did. - -He said, "What you say about poetry is awfully interesting to me, -Tomkins, because I had thought the same. And I know many rhymes of a -queer sort, and I can make rhymes rather well myself, and I had an idea -I would try and do the whole of my composition in rhyme." - -"Like your cheek," said Tomkins. "My dear kid, it will take you all -your time to write prose. And what do you know about flowers, anyway?" - -"I do know something," said Smythe, "owing to my father, who collects -odd rhymes and things. It's called folklore. It includes queer names of -plants and animals; also about remedies for warts, and the charms for -curing animals from witches, and overlooking, and suchlike. I know some -awful funny things, anyway, that my governor has told me, though they -may not be true." - -Tomkins was a good deal interested in this. - -"Fancy a kid like you knowing anything at all about it!" he said. - -There was only Walters left, but he was no good at all, and he'd simply -gone in for it because his people insisted upon his doing so. I asked -Walters if he knew much about wild flowers, and he answered something -about cucumber sandwiches, which he had once eaten in large quantities -owing to being forgotten at a lawn-tennis party. He seemed to think -because a cucumber was a vegetable, and a flower was a vegetable, that a -cucumber was a flower. He said that was all he knew about the subject, -excepting that dogs ate grass when not feeling well. So I told Tomkins -he needn't bother about Walters. - -Tomkins, however, assured us that he wasn't bothering about any of them. -He said that facts were the things, and not theories. So while -Macmullen swatted away at his botany, and Smythe collected rhymes and -offered anybody three links of a brass chain for a word that rhymed with -toad-flax, and Walters merely waited for the day, and made no effort as -far as we could see, Tomkins poked about, and went one evening out of -bounds, with Freckles and young Corkey, into the famous quarry at -Merivale Great Wood. They were chased, but escaped owing to the -strategy of Freckles; and Tomkins felt the 'Bolsover' prize was now an -absolute cert for him, because in the preserves he had met with an -exceedingly rare flower--at least, he said so; and he believed that by -mentioning it, and making a sketch of it in his paper, he would easily -distance Macmullen, who did not so much as know there was such a flower. - -As far as ages went, I must tell you that Tomkins was thirteen and two -weeks, and Macmullen thirteen and seven months, while Smythe was ten and -Walters merely nine and a half. - -All four put on a little side about it the Sunday before, and a good -many other fellows wished they had gone in, because the papers had to be -written in the Doctor's own study, and there are some magnificent -pictures and marble statues in that room such as are very seldom seen by -the lower school. - -I asked each one after breakfast on the appointed day how he felt; and -Tomkins said, "Hopeful"; and Macmullen said, "Much as usual"; and Smythe -said, "Sleepy, because I've been awake nearly all night remembering -rhymes I've heard my father say"; and Walters said he had a sort of -rather horrid wish that _his_ father had died the term before, because -he didn't think his mother would ever have made him go in for a thing he -hated so much as this. - - - - *III* - - -Two hours were allowed for the essay, and by good luck I happened to -meet the four chaps just as they came out. So I got their ideas fresh -on what they'd done. Curiously enough, all four were hopeful. Tomkins, -of course, I knew would be, and probably also Macmullen, but Smythe and -even Walters seemed to fancy they had a chance too. This astonished me -a good deal. So I said to Smythe-- - -"How the dickens d'you think any stuff you can have done would be near -to what my cousin Tomkins has done?" - -And he said-- - -"Because of the rhymes. I was quite astonished myself to find how they -came; and I also remembered a charm for nettlerash, and some awfully -peculiar sayings just at the right moment." - -And Walters also declared he'd done better than he expected to do. He -seemed rather flustered about it, and wouldn't give any details; but he -was highly excited, and inked up to the eyes, as you might say. He gave -me the idea of a chap who'd been cribbing. - -Macmullen looked rather a pale yellow colour, which he always does look -at moments of great excitement, especially just before his innings at -cricket. He wouldn't say a word to a soul until he'd gone to his botany -book and read up a lot of stuff. Then he felt better. - -As to Tomkins, he told me privately, as his cousin, that he had got in -the names of no less than forty-five plants and seven grasses. - -"That _must_ settle it," he said. And I said I thought so too. - -Mr. Briggs corrected the essays that night, and prepared some notes upon -them for the Doctor to read when the time of announcing the winner came. -We all stared jolly hard at Briggs during prep. the next day, and -Steggles, who has no fear of old Briggs, asked him who had won. But -Briggs merely told him to mind his own business. - -After prayers the next day the Doctor stopped in the chapel, which was -also a school-room, and told everybody to remain in his place. - -Then he whispered to Corkey major, and Corkey went off, and presently -came back with a very swagger book bound in red leather and having a -yellow back with gold letters upon it. - -The Doctor dearly likes these occasions; and so do we, because it means -missing at least one class for certain. When he once fairly begins -talking, he keeps at it. Now he had the four essays on the desk in -front of him, and the prize; and then he spoke to Briggs, and Briggs led -up Macmullen and Tomkins and Smythe and Walters. - -They knew this was coming, and had all prepared to a certain extent. I -noticed that Smythe had borrowed a green tie from Webster, and that Mac. -had turned his usual hue at times of excitement. Walters was still inky, -despite pumice stone. - -"We have now, my boys, to make our annual award of the 'Harold Bolsover' -prize for English composition," began the Doctor. "Mr. Bolsover, whose -name is now not unfavourably known to his countrymen as an ingenious -fabricator of romance, was educated at this seminary. To me it fell to -instruct his incipient intellect and lift the vacuity of his childish -mind upwards and onwards into the light of knowledge and religion. - -"The art of fiction, while it must not be considered a very lofty or -important pursuit, may yet be regarded as a permissible career if the -motives that guide the pen are elevated, and a high morality is the -author's first consideration. Lack of leisure does not permit me to -read story books myself; but I have little doubt that Mr. Bolsover's -work is all that it should be from the Christian standpoint, and I feel -confident that those lessons of charity, patience, loyalty, and honour, -which he learnt from my own lips, have borne worthy fruit in his -industrious brain. - -"The work I have selected for the 'Bolsover' prize is _Gilpin on Forest -Scenery_--a book which leads us from Nature to the contemplation of the -Power above and behind Nature; a book wherein the reverend author has -excelled himself and presented to our minds the loftiest thoughts, and -to our eyes the most noble scenes, that his observance could record, and -his skill compass within the space of a volume. - -"For this notable reward four lads have entered in competition, and -their emulation was excited by the theme of 'Wild Flowers,' which your -senior master, Mr. Briggs, very happily selected. Wild flowers are the -jewellery of our hedgerows, scattered lavishly by Nature's own generous -hand to gladden the dusty wayside--to bring a smile to the face of the -wanderer in the highway, and brightness to the eyes of the weary -traveller by flood and field. None of you can have overlooked them. On -your road to your sport--even in the very grass whereon you pursue your -pastimes--the wild flowers abound. They deck the level sward; they smile -at us from the cricket-field; they help to gladden the hour of mimic -victory, or soften the bitter moment of failure, as we return defeated -to the silent throng at the pavilion rails. - -"Now, I have before me the thoughts of Nicol Macmullen, Norman Tomkins, -Huxley Smythe, and Rupert Walters on this subject; and I very much -regret to say that not one of them has produced anything which may be -considered worthy of Merivale, worthy of Mr. Bolsover, or worthy of -themselves. I do not overlook their tender years; I am not forgetting -that to a mind like my own or that of Mr. Briggs--richly stored with all -the best and most beautiful utterances on this subject--the crudities of -immaturity must come with the profound and pitiful significance of -contrast. No, no--I judge these four achievements from no impossible -standard of perfection. I know too well how little can be expected from -the boy who is but entering upon his teens--I am too familiar with the -meagre attainments of the average lad of one decade to ask for -impossible accuracy, for poetic thought, or pious sentiments; but -certain qualities I have the right to expect--nay, demand----" - -Here Steggles whispered to me-- - -"Blessed if I don't think he's going to cane them!" - -"Certain qualities Mr. Harold Bolsover has also the right to expect and -demand. Do we find them in these essays before us? Reluctantly I -reply, we do not. But in order that you may judge whether your -head-master is unreasonable, that you of the upper school may estimate -the nature of the efforts upon which I base this adverse criticism, I -propose to read brief extracts from each and from all of them. - -"The initial error of the boy Nicol Macmullen appears to be a total -misconception of the theme he was invited to illuminate. He begins his -essay as follows." - -The Doctor made a frightful rustling among Mac.'s papers, and everybody -looked at Mac. He had not expected this, and his mouth worked very -rummily, and his head went down between his shoulders, and he showed his -under teeth and stared in a frightfully fixed way at the boot of Smythe, -who sat next to him. - -Then Dr. Dunstan began-- - - - "'WILD FLOWERS. - - "'By Nicol Macmullen. - -"'The vegetable kingdom is a very large one. John Ray, a native of -Sussex, did much to advance the study of it. He was born in 1628, and -died in 1705. There was a history of plants written three hundred years -before Christ. Linnæus was the man who invented the sexual system--a -very useful invention. It is a stepping-stone. He first mentioned it -in 1736. Seaweeds are also a part of the vegetable kingdom, but they -have no flowers, and so may be dismissed without further mention. Also -Algæ. Of leaves, it may be said that some fall and some do not. At -least, speaking strictly, all fall, and this is called a deciduous tree; -but not all at once, and this is called an evergreen. Glands occur in -the tissue of the leaves, and they also have hairs. Buds also have -hairs. The organs of plants is almost the largest subject in the -vegetable kingdom, but I have no time to mention more than one or two -organs to-day. The root descends into the soil, the stems rise aloft, -and the flowers bud out at the ends of them. Mistletoe and broom-rape -are called parasites, because they live on other trees, instead of being -on their own. - -"'Coming now to flowers, we find that they may be divided into two main -families: wild and garden. We shall dismiss garden flowers, as they do -not belong to our subject, but wild flowers are the most beautiful -things in the vegetable kingdom. Especially honeysuckle and -blackberries. Many others will occur to the reader also. The flower is -the _tout ensemble_ of those organs which are concerned in -reproduction.'" - - -The Doctor stopped and put down Macmullen's essay. For my part, I was -simply amazed at the amount Mac. knew, and I think everybody else was; -but, strangely enough, the Doctor didn't like it. - -"From this point our author quotes verbatim out of the pages of the -_Encyclopædia Britannica_," continued Dr. Dunstan. "As an effort of -memory the result is highly creditable, and Macmullen will have acquired -a great deal of botanical knowledge which may possibly be of service to -him in his future career; but as an essayist on wild flowers he is -exceedingly evasive, and his effort fails radically and fundamentally. -The subject is obviously not one that appeals to him. There is no -sympathy, no love of his theme; above all, no moral deductions. -Macmullen's mind has not been uplifted. He has, in fact, failed." - -Mac. didn't seem to care as much as you would have thought. He told me -afterwards he felt so thankful when the Doctor shut up about him and -turned to Tomkins, that he forgot everything else but relief. - -Tomkins became red when the Doctor picked up his essay; but it soon -faded away--I mean the redness. - -"Now here," said Dr. Dunstan, "we are met by an attempt of a very -different character. The boy Tomkins appears to think that there is -nothing more to be said about the flowers of the field than to utter -their names. His prose lacks dignity; there is a feverish desire to -tell us what everything is called. There is no poetry, no feeling. -Vagueness, indeed, we have, but vagueness is not poetry, though to -uncritical minds it may sometimes pass for such. This is how Tomkins -approaches his subject. There is a breathlessness, a feeling of haste, -as if somebody was chasing Tomkins along the road while he was making -his researches. This, unless Tomkins has been guilty of trespass--an -alternative I refuse to consider--is difficult to explain." - -The Doctor then gave us a bit out of Tomkins-- - - -"'As one walks down a country lane, one can often hardly see the leaves -for the flowers. They burst upon the view in millions. The hedges are -thronged with them; the scent is overpowering. Turn where you will, they -greet the bewildered eye. They hang from the trees and spring from the -earth; they twine also--as, for instance, briony and convolvuluses. At -a single glance I take in dog-roses; campions of several sorts, -including white; shepherd's purse--a weed; strawberry, primroses, -cuckoo-flower, violet, bugle, herb robert, and also other wild geraniums -of various kinds. They are in a crowded mass, all struggling for life. -Stitchwort, nettle, archangel, cock's-foot grass, clematis, dock, heath, -furze, bog-moss, darnel, dandelions, daisies, buttercups of sorts, -marshmallow, water-lilies, rushes and reeds, poppies and peppermint, -also ferns--one sees them all at a glance. Then, as one hastens swiftly -onwards----' - - -"I gasp for breath," said the Doctor; "I absolutely refuse to hasten -swiftly onwards with Tomkins. At this breakneck pace he drags us through -that portion of the British flora at his command. There is doubtless -knowledge here; there is even reflection, as when he says, at the end of -his paper, that wild flowers ought to make us thankful for our eyesight -and for the lesser gift of smell. But, taken as a whole, we have no -balance, absolutely no repose, no light, and no shade. There is too -much hurry and bustle, too little feeling for the beauty attaching to -English scenery or English prose; too eager a desire to display -erudition in the empty matter of floral nomenclature." - -So that was the end of Tomkins. He was frightfully disappointed; but he -felt so interested to know what wretched chaps like Smythe and Walters -had done that was better, that he forgot even to be miserable about -losing until afterwards. - -Then the Doctor went for Smythe. - -"Huxley Smythe next challenges our attention," he said. "Now, here we -are confronted with a still more amazing misunderstanding. Smythe -appears to know absolutely nothing whatever concerning wild flowers; but -he has seized this occasion to display an extraordinary amount of -peculiar information concerning other matters. He evidently imagines -that this will answer his purpose equally well. Moreover, he endeavours -to cast his work in a poetic form--with results that have bewildered -even me, despite my half-century of knowledge of the _genus puer_. I do -not say that rhyme is inadmissible. You shall not find me slow to -encourage originality of thought even among the least of you; but Smythe -trusts too little to himself and too much to other rhymsters--I will not -call them poets. He has committed to memory many verses of a trivial -and even offensive character. He has furnished me with a charm or -incantation to remove warts. Elsewhere he commits himself to sentiments -that may be described as flagrantly irreligious. It is true he glances -obliquely at his subject from time to time; but not in a spirit which -can admire or commend. We have, for instance, these lines-- - - "'Put yarrow under your pillow, they say, - You will see your true love the very next day.' - "'For pain in the stomach an excellent thing - Is tea made of mint and sprigs of ling.' - - "'If you wash your clothes on Good Friday, someone - Will be certain to die ere the year is done.' - - -"Whence Huxley Smythe has culled these pitiful superstitions I know -not," continued the Doctor; "but he appears to be a veritable storehouse -and compendium of them. They remind me only too painfully of a certain -tiger's tail, though that incident is closed, and I desire to make no -further mention of it. Had our theme been folklore, or those crude, -benighted and indelicate fancies still prevailing among the bucolic -population, Smythe must have conquered, and easily conquered. It is not -so, however. He has chosen the occasion of the 'Bolsover' competition -to reveal no little fantastic knowledge; but its lack of appropriate and -apposite qualities effectually disposes of his claim. I will give you a -last sample of his methods. _A propos_ of absolutely nothing, on page -four of his dissertation, Smythe submits this impertinence. He appears -suddenly to have recollected it and inserted it in the body of his work, -without the least consideration for its significance or my feelings. - - "'There was an old man who lived in a wood - As you may plainly see, - And said he could do more work in a day - Than his wife could do in three.'" - - -The Doctor looked awful sternly at Smythe. - -"This fragment--from some coarse old ballad, I suspect--is thrust upon -me, as one might brandish a club in the face of an unoffending citizen. -Smythe must chasten his taste and study the rudiments of logic and -propriety before again he ventures to challenge our attention with -original thoughts. Silence! Silence!" thundered the Doctor in -conclusion; because Smythe's stuff made Steggles laugh out loud. Then -several other chaps laughed, and in trying not to laugh, Wolf minor -choked and made a noise, like a football exploding, that was far worse -than laughter. - -"There remains the effort of Rupert Walters," went on Dr. Dunstan. "He -is the youngest of the competitors, and I find but little to praise in -his achievement; yet it indicates a shadow of promise and a shade of -imagination. Indeed, Mr. Briggs at first suspected that Walters had -availed himself of secret and dishonest assistance; but this, I rejoice -to know, is not the case. Walters has yet to learn to control the -discharge of ink from his pen, and in matters of orthography also there -is much to be desired for him--a remark which applies to all the -competitors save Macmullen--but he possesses a dim and misty nucleus of -feeling for the dignity of his native tongue. There is in his attempt a -suggestion that at some distant date, if he is spared, and if he labours -assiduously in the dead languages, Rupert Walters may control his living -speech with some approach to distinction. I select his most pleasing -passage." - -The Doctor regarded young Walters over his spectacles for a moment with -a frightfully encouraging expression that he sometimes puts on when -things are going extra well. Then he read the pleasing passage, as he -called it. - - -"'Often, walking in the country far from home, you may see the briars -falling over the sides of the lanes, and the may trees white with bloom. -They look lovely against the blue sky; and a curious thing is that the -distant trees also look blue, and not green, by reason of distance. -Near at hand, yellow and red flowers may be dotted about; but when you -look along the lane, you only see haze, which is beautiful. If there is -a river flowing near by, it is also very beautiful indeed, especially -with water-lilies on it. And clouds are lovely too, if reflected in a -sheet of water beside which yellow irises spring up, and their foliage -looks rather bluish. If a trout rises, it makes white rings on the -water.' - - -"Now, here," said the Doctor, "is a humble effort to set down what the -eye of this tender boy has mirrored in the past. I need not tell you -how he spells 'irises,' or 'curious,' or 'beautiful.' The fact remains -that he has distanced his competitors and achieved the 'Bolsover' prize. -Come hither, Rupert Walters. Let me shake your hand, my lad!" - -So that was the end of it, and Walters seemed more frightened than -anything. But he took his book, and the matter ended, and the four -chaps had their essays back, with Briggs's red pencil remarks on them, -to send home to their people. - -The extraordinary truth only came to me three days later, when I -happened to be having a talk with Walters and looking at his prize, -which was duller even than most prizes. I said-- - -"How the dickens did you remember that trees look blue seen a mile off?" - -And he said-- - -"I didn't remember it. If you'll swear not to tell, I'll explain. I -shall be rather glad to tell somebody." - -So I swore. Then Walters said-- - -"I was just sitting biting my pen and drawing on the blotting-paper and -casting my eyes about and wondering what on earth to say, when I saw -right bang in front of me a great picture--a whacker--full of trees and -a lane, and water and hills, and every mortal thing, even to the flowers -dabbed about in front. Well--there you are! I just tried to put down -what I saw. And I did it only too well, if anything. Of course, in a -sort of way, it was cribbing; but then, of course, in another sort of -way, it wasn't. Anyway, you've sworn not to tell--not even Tomkins; so -of course you won't tell." - -And of course I didn't. - - - - - *THE CASE FOR FOWLE* - - - - *No. VII* - - *THE CASE FOR FOWLE* - - *I* - - -It's awful difficult to understand why some boys are liked and some -utterly barred. I'm nearly sixteen now, and I've been at Merivale for -years, but still I can't see it. All I know is that the chaps most boys -like, I don't, and the very few chaps I like, nobody else does. At -first I thought it was hampers and asked my mother to send me extra -large ones, which she did; and such hampers as mine were never seen -before in any school, I should think. But the boys ate my water-melons -and peaches and many such unusual things, just as if they were the -wretched windfalls that Masters gets from his father's orchards, or the -feeble home-made jam and common or garden cakes that come to other -fellows on their birthdays. Then the very chaps that guzzle my rare -things pretend afterwards I've tried to poison them, and so on; and -young Gregson, who once ate half a bruised pineapple of mine that was a -bit off, got ill; and after that only certain chaps would take the -things I offered. And nobody once, all the time I've been here, has -ever offered me as much as a dry biscuit out of their beastly hampers. - -I pointed this out to Travers, who, though no friend of mine, always -appeared to have more sense in a general way than most fellows; and he -said-- - -"You sneer so at chaps. You always make it so jolly clear your hampers -are the best in the world, that naturally they think you wouldn't care -about their things. Besides, Steggles did offer you three ripe pears, -for I saw him do it." - -"Yes," I said, "he did--just because he knew they were over-ripe and -thought to score off me. I knew why he had done it, and told him so." - -"Then he offered them to me," said Travers, "so I can tell you that you -are quite wrong. I took them and ate them on the spot, and they were -perfectly good, decent pears. For once in a way Steggles was quite -straight and meant no harm at all." - -Well, I saw after a bit that it wasn't hampers, or anything of that -sort; and then I thought it was games. But I wasn't going to make a -fool of myself at footling games for anybody, and I always did get out -of them when I could. However, it wasn't altogether games either, -though certainly more games than hampers. Still, there were chaps who -didn't play games any better than me--such as Richards, who always went -to matches and was keen about games, though useless himself, and Ford, -who made peculiar knots in rope, and Jameson, who drew pictures in the -chaps' Latin grammars of the remarkable things mentioned in syntax. -Then another great thing, showing what mean beasts most boys are, is the -fact that if certain masters like certain boys, then other boys also -like them. - -Once, and only once, I got jolly friendly with a master who was very -much disliked indeed by everybody else. I mean Browne. I never found -him bad at first, and he used me a good bit in many ways and nearly -always gave me full marks. But he changed frightfully over the business -of the blackboard, and it happened like this. You see, as Browne -thought well of me, he confided in me a bit out for walks; and I -confided in him; and he asked me a lot of questions concerning a lot of -boys; and, as I hated them all, I told him what he wanted to know. He -was frightfully obliged and said I was a power for good in the school; -and also said that such a boy as I am, without silly ideas about -sneaking, may be of the greatest use to masters if he really has the -welfare and interest of the school at heart. He also gave me a knife -and seemed pretty sure I should win several prizes at the end of the -term. In fact, we got very friendly and I certainly did him a very good -turn by helping him to understand why some boys didn't like him, and -telling him what they said about him behind his back. He was greatly -obliged to me, and used the things I told him, and scored pretty badly -off some chaps as a result. It rather surprised them to find how much -he knew; but it didn't make them like him any better. Then they began -to try and score off him, and finally, owing to an unfortunate accident, -I got mixed up in it. - -Steggles did an unusual thing to young Frost. Steggles had borrowed the -matron's scissors to cut his toe-nails, which were turning in and -tearing his toes and making them pour with blood. And after he had used -them and shortened his toe-nails by about half-an-inch or so, he kept -them and told the matron that he had lost them. Then came young Frost, -who was a sort of relation of Trelawny, who was at that time easily the -best-liked chap at Merivale. - -Well, Steggles got young Frost up into the gym. alone, as he thought, -and told him it was the rule for new boys to have their hair cut close -to their heads, because they often brought infection to Merivale in that -way. So he cut all young Frost's hair off; and I was there, hidden in a -corner reading a grown-up novel that I had found in Browne's room. -Because Browne, as a great favour, used to allow me in his study to see -the remarkable things he has there--chiefly on the mantelpiece, -including photographs of well-known actresses, said to be signed by -themselves. So I saw Steggles cut off Frost's hair, and I did not know -Steggles had seen me, but he had. And he made me swear not to tell, -which I did; but knowing that an oath is not binding when the good of -the school is involved, I told Browne about it, and he took the credit -to himself over it and taxed Steggles with it. Of course Steggles -denied it, and it couldn't be proved, because young Frost had a rotten -idea it would be unsportsmanlike to sneak. So it came about that Browne -couldn't do anything without getting me into a row, and accordingly -nothing was done to Steggles. But Steggles did a lot to me, because of -course he knew I was the only person who could have told Browne the -truth, as young Frost hadn't. - -Then a rather clever beast called Macmullen wrote a piece of poetry with -rhymes, and after about twenty copies of this poetry had been sent to me -anonymously written round picture-postcards, Macmullen got Travers to -print it up on the blackboard just before Browne's mathematical lesson -came on. - -So when he arrived, there it was staring at him; and it was so -exceedingly well printed that he could not possibly tell who had done -it. - - _There is a young sneaker called Fowle_ - _Who ought to be made to howl,_ - _For the things that Browne knows,_ - _Which you would not suppose,_ - _All come from that blighter called Fowle._ - - -I wanted to rub it out before Browne came, but of course the chaps -wouldn't let me. - -Browne read this carefully and took such a long time looking at it, that -Steggles said he was learning it by heart. Then he picked up the duster -and slowly rubbed it out. He made no remark whatever, and for the time -being the score rather missed fire on Browne. But it didn't miss fire -on me, because the next day, when I was passing his study, Browne called -me in and asked me about it. He said-- - -"Who wrote that piece of impertinence on the blackboard yesterday?" - -And I said-- - -"Macmullen invented it, sir, and Travers printed it up; but I don't know -who told them there was a sort of understanding between us." - -Then Browne was greatly enraged and said-- - -"How dare you say there is any understanding between us, Fowle? Such -impertinence I never heard! What do I know about you and your affairs, -excepting that you are deservedly a very unpopular boy! And I'll thank -you not to bring any more of your mean tales to me. A tale-bearer is an -odious thing; so remember; no more sneaking, or it will be very much the -worse for you!" - -I was so astonished that I couldn't do anything but stare. - -"Now be off about your business," said Browne, and I went. - -That shows pretty well what Mr. Browne was, I should think. The beastly -ingratitude of the man seemed to me the most extraordinary thing that -had ever happened; and after that I never could do right with Browne, -and he sided against me and never would listen to me, even when I had to -tell him things in self-defence. - -I could easily show again and again that I was in the right and other -chaps were in the wrong, or masters too, for that matter; but it was not -much good trying to convince people with the whole of them against me. -There was always a proper religious reason for the things I did, and -though sometimes they looked queer until explained, I always could -explain them. But after I got to be hated, nobody would so much as stop -to listen to the explanations--not even the Doctor. - -Everybody said he was just and fair, though an old footler; but I know -very well he wasn't, owing to the time when Corkey minimus dropped a -shilling in the playground and I found one there. Well, how could I know -that because Corkey mins. had lost a shilling and I had found one, the -one I had found was bound to be the identical same shilling that Corkey -had lost? I shall always say it was frightfully unfair to me to order -me to give up the shilling as the Doctor did, and then jaw me before the -whole school. - -Once my father said to me, "Always act from high motives, Roger," and I -always did; but nobody ever gave me any credit for doing so; and when I -told the Doctor over the affair of Gurney's tame white rabbit, which I -found wandering alone in the playground after dark and killed with a -cricket stump, for fear that it should starve to death, and was seen -doing it by Gurney, who came to look for it--when I told the Doctor I -had done this from the best motives and not because Gurney had taken me -down in class the day before--he said that I was deceiving myself and -told me that Satan had put it into my heart to kill Gurney's rabbit. -Really I had only done it out of fear that a poor dumb creature would -suffer; and yet the Doctor misunderstood me in such a wicked and -spiteful way, that he caned me and made me dig a grave and bury the -brute in front of the whole school as a punishment. - -As to my feelings, which are frightfully keen, nobody cares a button -about them and I have to do things, simply in self-defence, that I -should never do if I was treated fairly. Even Tin Lin Chow when he was -here had a better time than me, and I could tell you a lot of things you -wouldn't believe in the matter of tortures, simply invented by Steggles -and others in order to be applied to me. Steggles has invented two sets -of tortures called 'mind tortures' and 'body tortures'; and the mind -tortures are babyish, but the body tortures are well worth avoiding. So -I always pretend the mind tortures are the worst, whereas really only a -fool would care for them, as they mean nothing to anybody who is -religious. - -But what I meant to tell you was a fair case of the sort of things that -happen to me and I have to endure. I was told that I was to be tried by -court-martial, and I said "Why?" and Trelawny, the champion fighter of -the school, put the case before me. - -He said-- - -"It is well known in the lower school that you have got up more fights -between kids than any other chap." - -He then mentioned seven fights which he had written down. - -"Now," he said, "did you or did you not arrange those seven fights?" - -He had a lot of witnesses present and so I said-- - -"Five of them I arranged, because I wanted to see if----" - -He interrupted me. - -"You go about asking chaps if they give one another 'best,' and when -they say 'no,' though they may be perfectly friendly, you go on at them -till you work up a fight." - -I denied it, and he said, "You can reserve your beastly defence for the -court-martial. I've only got one more question to ask you at present, -namely, Have you ever fought anybody yourself?" - -And I said-- - -"No, Trelawny, I never have, because it would be contrary to my -opinions." - -Then he merely said I was a sticky and noxious worm that wanted -poisoning with rat poison, and that nothing more need be said before the -court-martial. - - - - *II* - - -Well, the court-martial, though held by the sixth, was grossly unfair, -and the thing they decided to do was simply cruel bullying in a superior -form. To begin with, Macmullen, who is the champion speaker at our -debates, was the leading witness against me; whereas I had nobody to -speak for me, because though I was told three days before the trial to -get somebody to speak for me, of course nobody would; and I had to stick -up for myself, which was a thing I never could do. So I went down, and -the fools pretended to prove that I had arranged hundreds of fights and -been second at scores. And yet, somehow, I had never fought a single -fight myself from the time I came there. Dozens of kids were called to -witness at the court-martial that I had given them 'best' rather than -fight them; and many were much younger than me, and one, called Foster, -was only eleven, though certainly he was a great fighter, and many boys -of fourteen had to give him best in the long run, though not till after -they had fought him and been licked. Well, just because my religious -opinions kept me from fighting anybody, and especially Foster, they -called me an insect and a coward and a disgrace to the school and so on. -Then Trelawny, as the head of the court-martial, gave a verdict and I -was sentenced to have a fight, whether I liked it or not. Inquiries -were made and finally the court-martial found a chap called Andrews, who -was in my class and whose age was just one week less than mine. This -Andrews and me they decided must fight; and when it was known, everybody -wanted to be second for Andrews and nobody wanted to be second for me. -Trelawny said we might have a week to train, and then the court-martial -broke up. It was a brutal bit of work altogether, and I found rather an -interesting thing, which was that Andrews felt quite differently to the -affair to me. I talked to him privately as soon as I could, and -pretended it was all rot and laughed at the whole thing. But he said it -wasn't rot at all as far as he was concerned. He was a new boy and -rather keen to make friends and be well thought of; so he considered -this a jolly good opportunity and began to train as well as he knew how. -I saw at a glance that he could lick me, for I'd never learned fighting -and hated hurting anything, I'm sure, always; and I argued a good deal -with Andrews about it. He said that his father had told him that a -chance to make friends and distinguish himself would be sure to come. -And Andrews said no doubt his father was right, and that the chance had -come and that he was going to distinguish himself as much as he could on -me. - -Well, of course I saw what had to be done. Just at that time I was -rather unfairly hated by Dr. Dunstan, because of an affair in the -playground. There was a fir-tree in it at one corner, and I had found -that turpentine came out if you cut notches in it. Well, into this -turpentine I stuck live ants and then burnt them up with a -burning-glass. It was nothing; but old Briggs, the writing master and -natural history master, discovered me doing it and must needs make a -ridiculous fuss. He told the Doctor and the Doctor made a ridiculous -fuss too and turned against me and hated me. So Dunstan was out of the -question, and there was only one other master I could tell, and that was -Monsieur Michel, the French master. But he was weak and useless in an -emergency like this; so finally I decided that the proper person to -approach would be Andrews himself. - -That much was pretty easy to decide, but then came the question what to -say to him, and I was helped in this matter by a very lucky thing. It -came out in class that Andrews was an absolute flyer at geography, and -though not as good as me--me being head of the class in that -subject--still he jolly soon got second to me and stopped there. I am a -tremendous dab at geography myself; and if I knew as much about other -things I should be in the sixth; and if a good many things I -know--especially about religious saints--were regular subjects in -school, instead of being barred altogether, I should also be in the -sixth. - -And finding out the greatness of Andrews at geography gave me the idea I -wanted, which happened only just in time; because the day I spoke to him -was a Wednesday and the next Saturday was the day we had to fight. - -I said-- - -"Aren't you looking forward to Saturday?" - -And he said-- - -"Yes, I am." - -And I said-- - -"So am I, because I'm in training too; and I find that I fight -tremendously well, and I'm only sorry I hadn't to fight a lot sooner." - -But I couldn't deceive him with this, for a moment; so I soon changed -the subject. - -I introduced prizes and said that the Doctor was particularly keen about -the subject of geography and always gave the best prizes for that. - -"I know," he said, "and I should have had a jolly good chance if it -hadn't been for you." - -"You would," I said. "In fact, but for me you would be a snip for it." - -We talked a bit and then I said-- - -"I wonder if your father would rather you made your mark by fighting me, -or by winning the geography prize in your first term? Of course, to win -any prize in your first term is a great score for a chap." - -He said that he hadn't thought of it, and after I pressed him a lot, he -admitted that there was no doubt the prize would suit his mother best, -but he thought very likely if he won a fight it would suit his father -best. - -He said-- - -"My father's a soldier, and I'm going to be one; and so, naturally, -fighting is more in my line than geography." - -But I doubted this, and, in fact, I proved that a mere fight was -nothing, whereas geography was a great deal and at least as much use to -a soldier as fighting--especially after he had lost a battle. - -Finally he said that I might be right, but that it didn't much matter as -I was bound to win the geography prize, and he was equally bound to lick -me next Saturday. - -Then I made my great offer. - -I said-- - -"Look here; I'm not afraid of fighting, or anything like that; but I've -got religious objections to it and, in fact, though your father might -like you to fight, my father would get into a frightful bate if I did. -Really it might be jolly serious for me, and it would not matter to my -father in the least whether I won the fight or lost it." - -Andrews said that had nothing to do with him; so I went on and explained -how it might have a great deal to do with him. - -I said-- - -"You see, if you lost the fight, your father would very likely be very -sick about it, and instead of getting rewarded, you might get nothing; -whereas, if the fight fell through and you merely said firmly you had no -reason for fighting me, and were not going to do it just because you -were ordered to, and then went and won the geography prize, that would -be a much greater score for you." - -He admitted it might be, but didn't see how he could beat me at -geography. - -Then I said-- - -"If you refuse to fight me, you shall get the geography prize, because I -need not put down anything like all I know and can boss a lot of -questions purposely." - -He said-- - -"It would please my mother and might do me a lot of good with my -grandmother." - -And I said-- - -"It certainly would; and next term, if you still want a fight, I'll -easily arrange one for you with somebody else, and then you can make it -all right with your father." - -He said-- - -"Will you solemnly swear on human blood that you will boss the geography -paper and let me get the prize?" - -And to show him how much in earnest I was, I took out my knife there and -then, and he pricked his finger and I pricked mine, and then I swore -that I would let him have the geography prize, and he swore that he -would refuse to fight me. - -I felt that was a pretty good day's work, and so did he; but I felt it -all the time, whereas Andrews only felt it in stray moments and, between -whiles, was jolly savage with himself for swearing the blood oath. He -was frightfully scorned for not fighting me, and the only thing that -comforted him, and that only in secret, was that his mother and -grandmother would be full of rejoicing in the holidays and richly reward -him for winning the geography prize. - -In fact, he kept on so obstinately about his mother, that I began to -think about mine, and the sad grief it would be to her if I did not win -this prize as usual. After a time I realized that I had actually put -Andrews before my own dear mother, and I felt very shocked to think of -what I had done. - -The end of the term began to get nearer and nearer, and the exams. were -going to begin soon. I tried hard not to think about geography and not -to think about my mother, but Andrews found the only subjects that -interested him were these subjects; and at last I simply had to avoid -Andrews, because he kept on to such a sickening extent about what a -score it would be to win it. - -Very strange thoughts came over me during those days and I got more and -more undecided as to what was right to do. There was my duty to -Andrews, who, in a vague sort of way, had got the right to win the -geography prize, and there was my duty to my father, who paid Dr. -Dunstan a lot of money for letting me come to Merivale and naturally -expected me to do my best; which I always did do, I'm sure. Then there -was my duty to Dr. Dunstan; and to deceive him deliberately about my -knowledge of geography was, of course, a very wrong thing to do. And, -greatest of all, there was my own conscience, which is the 'still small -voice' of the Bible. Besides, I'd been very careful to say that Andrews -should have the geography prize, not that he should win it. No chap -ever tried harder than me to do the right thing, and what made it so -difficult was that my conscience and my duty to everybody but Andrews -was on one side, while the stupid affair with Andrews was on the other -side. Of course a blood oath is all nonsense if you are a Christian, -and not in the least binding to a religious person. In fact, only -savages believe in it at all. Therefore, as far as that went, I did not -feel in the least bound to Andrews. If I had not been coming back the -next term, I should have seen my way clearer very likely; but I was; and -so was Andrews. - -Somehow I couldn't decide till the actual day of the geography exam., -and then, strangely enough, the paper seemed simply to have been made -for me. I knew the answer to everything, and question No. 6 gave me a -chance of saying some jolly good and peculiar things about Spain and the -Holy Inquisition not generally known at all. Probably not a soul at -Merivale but the Doctor and me knew them. - -Somehow I felt it would be mean and wicked to pretend not to know all -these things. My conscience simply cried out to me to do the paper as -well as possible and leave the result in Higher Hands, because if -Providence meant Andrews to win, he would win. So I did my best, as I -usually do; and when the result was put up it was found that I had -beaten Andrews by one hundred and ten marks, and Andrews was a long way -ahead of everybody else. - -Naturally Andrews, not understanding what it is to have such delicate -feelings as me, was a good bit annoyed; but I was ready for him, and -though I did not tell of my secret struggles to do right, which he would -not have understood, I did explain that I had acted from proper motives. - -I said-- - -"I promised that you should have the geography prize, not that you -should win it. You shall have it, and the minute I get it on prize day, -I shall hand it over to you." - -But Andrews did not fall in with this, and I felt, somehow, that he -wouldn't. He said several revengeful things about next term; but he may -be dead before then, and anyway, much will happen in the holidays to -make him forget this affair, or take a better view of it. - -I only mention the thing, in fact, to show how hard it is to make chaps -understand you if you always try to do right as much as you can. I -should clearly like to leave Merivale, but there seems to be no chance -of it at present. - -My father often says, rather unkindly, that nobody ever wanted honour -and truth and decency and manliness licked into them worse than I do; -but my mother, who always understands me much better than him, says that -many of the best and most famous men in the world have looked back to -their school-days with hatred and loathing; and so I must no doubt be -one of them; because nobody ever hated boys and masters and school in -general worse than me. It will be very different when I get away from -them all and go into the world; because there I shall meet plenty of -nice people who think the same as I do. - - - - - *'CHERRY RIPE'* - - - - *No. VIII* - - *'CHERRY RIPE'* - - *I* - - -This is an awful rum story about the extraordinary cunning of a man -generally known as 'Cherry Ripe,' from selling cherries; and to tell it -right I must first explain about our cricket ground and a wood and a -field. After the cricket ground comes a narrow wood, well known as the -place for fights, and also wood-pigeons' nests, which breed there in -great quantities. It is a long and narrow wood, and then comes a field, -also long but not so narrow. This field is a very up-and-down field, -with hollows in it, and at the bottom, in one corner, a drinking-place -for cows has been arranged, where yellow irises grow in summer, and -where most of our tame frogs come from. There is a clump of trees in -this field, and a hawk once built in them; but Freckles found the nest -and took the eggs, so the hawk did not build there again. After the -up-and-down field there comes an old, rather broken wall, and inside the -wall is the orchard and nursery garden of Cherry Ripe. - -Needless to say his real name was not 'Cherry Ripe' but Jenkins--not any -relation to the Jenkins at Merivale, though chaps who wanted to rot -Jenkins always pretended that Cherry Ripe was his father, which much -annoyed Jenkins. Because this Cherry Ripe was a fierce and a common -man, and had been known to be dismissed with a caution for ill-treating -a horse, and was no friend to us either. - -He made his living by fruit and vegetables; and at the right season of -the year sold cherries, of which he had many fine trees in his nursery -garden. He also had apples and pears and gooseberries in great -abundance. He also laid out large pieces of his nursery garden in -spring flowers for market, and he grew onions and turnips and rhubarb, -and many other uninteresting things. - -We naturally went there to see how it looked from time to time, and he -chased us a good deal over the field; but, when we were once in the -wood, he was of course powerless. In fact, he never caught anybody in -fair hunting except Chilvers, who was once down by the pond collecting -waterman beetles in his shoe, having nothing else to do it with. But -Chilvers had never been in the nursery garden in his life, and told -Cherry Ripe so. Only he refused to believe Chilvers, and said that he -was trespassing just as much in the field as he would have been in the -orchard. Which, in its paltry way, was true. Chilvers then offered him -a penny and an Indian coin for twelve waterman beetles; and all he did -was to say "No cheek!" and box Chilvers on the ear and tell him to be -off. So he made a bitter enemy of Chilvers. - -This Cherry Ripe was old and ugly. He never seemed to shave, and yet -his beard never seemed to grow. What there was looked a mangy grey -streaked with brown. He wore an old hat that had once been black, but -was now rather inclined to turn green, and he had glittering eyes, one -of which watered. He had also a curious way of lifting up and down his -eyebrows, which young Smythe said showed a bad disposition, and was -common to gorillas. He had been heard to laugh when picking apples with -his daughters. But he never laughed at us, and when we took to calling -him 'Cherry Ripe,' he hated us, and often shook his fist at us from a -distance. - -So we then felt something had to be done against him to score off him. - -When this was decided upon, Steggles and Methuen and Pedlar and -myself--me being Weston minor--and Chilvers went into committee, as it -is called, and in fact we had a regular meeting. Many others wanted to -join, but we felt five was enough, and we all had a jolly special -private good reason for going into committee against Cherry Ripe. - -Chilvers of course had been licked by Cherry Ripe, because to box one's -ears is the same as licking one in a very insulting manner. Pedlar also -had been insulted, and a good deal hurried twice by Cherry Ripe, when he -found him catapulting quite harmlessly in his orchard in December, when -of course there was nothing to take but vegetables; and Methuen and -Steggles once meeting Cherry Ripe going the rounds with his cart and -fruit and scales for weighing things, had politely stopped him and asked -to buy two pennyworth of pears. And Cherry Ripe had the frightful -impertinence to say that "No chap wearing them hats" should have so much -as a spring onion of his growing, which was not only turning away -business, but cheeking the school colours openly. So it seemed about -time to do something, and we accordingly did. I may say that I had no -particular grudge against Cherry Ripe, but I was well known at being -better at wall-climbing than any chap who ever came to Merivale. -Climbing had always been my strong point, and, as I was also going to be -a missionary later in life, I kept it up, because you never know--not if -you are a missionary. - -The committee merely decided that as the cherry season was now near, we -had better wait for it, and then, at the first opportunity, make a -'Jameson raid.' This is a particular sort of raid invented by the great -Dr. Jameson of South Africa, and it consists of doing something so -suddenly that nobody is ready. A Jameson raid is useless if the other -side is prepared; it is also useless if you are not prepared yourself. -The great thing is to be first, and also an important point is to commit -the raid where and when it will be least expected. Therefore we gave it -out, hoping that it would somehow get to Cherry Ripe, that we meant to -make a raid on his young apples on Wednesday, being a half-holiday; -whereas the truth was we were going to have a dash at his cherries on -the Saturday. There was a cricket match on that day, and Steggles -arranged details. - -I won't say much about what happened, because the thing failed even more -fearfully than Dr. Jameson's affair long ago. We were deceived in a -most peculiar manner, owing to the deliberate cunning of Cherry Ripe; -and afterwards, talking it over while we wrote two thousand Latin lines -each, we came to the conclusion that there was a traitor at work. -Naturally we thought of Fowle, but Fowle knew nothing; besides, he was -in the hospital at the time with something the matter with his knee. - -To go back, I must explain that all went well until we got on the top of -Cherry Ripe's wall. Then what should we see but Cherry Ripe up a cherry -tree and his daughters down below! They were a long way off, and we saw -at a glance that it would take Cherry Ripe about a year to climb down -from his tree, even if he saw us. As for his daughters, seeing our ages -were fifteen and upwards, except Chilvers, who was certainly only -thirteen, but could run faster than his sister, who was seventeen, we -did not fear them. - -As Cherry Ripe was picking cherries, we went for the green gooseberries. -I dropped down first in a very stealthy manner, that Freckles had taught -me before he went home to Australia; then Pedlar and Methuen dropped, -and then Chilvers. He fell rather awkwardly and smashed off a large -purple cabbage, and was glad of it. - -But Steggles stopped on the wall, for some private reason. He said -afterwards, when taxed with treachery, that it wasn't so in the least; -but that from the very beginning he had had a curious feeling when he -woke up that day. It is the feeling you get when you wake up on a day -that you are going to be flogged; and you have the same feeling, only -far, far worse, on the day when you are going to be hung. All criminals -know this. Steggles certainly shouted "Cave!" as soon as the horrible -moment came; but when he did finally drop off the wall, it was on the -other side. In fact, he escaped and left us to our fate. Nothing could -be done to Steggles, but we never felt the same to him again. - -What happened was this. We were just eating a few gooseberries rather -fast, before settling down steadily to fill our pockets, when Steggles -gave the alarm. But it was too late. Suddenly there sprang up from -their hiding-places no less than three men--the youngest not less than -twenty years old; and the eldest was Cherry Ripe himself. This so much -horrified us, as we had seen him at the top of a high cherry tree two -hundred yards away only a second before, that we lost our instinct of -self-preservation and fell a prey to the enemy. We were all caught, in -fact, except Steggles, and we were then marched down to Cherry Ripe's -house, and then along the road, and so back to Merivale. His hateful -daughters stood and sniggered at us as we were taken past them; and then -we saw that the whole thing was a mean plot, and, in fact, a swizz. A -swizz is a chouse, and a chouse is the same as a sell. It was a -scarecrow in the tree and not Cherry Ripe at all! The scarecrow wore -his green hat, and his daughters pretended to be talking to him. As -Peters said afterwards, Sherlock Holmes himself would have been almost -deceived by such a deadly plot. Afterwards we found, curiously enough, -that we had collected exactly thirteen gooseberries before the crash -came, which shows that thirteen is an unlucky number, whatever -scientific people may say against it. - -Cherry Ripe brought us back to Merivale, and came to the front door and -asked to see the Doctor. He gave his name as 'Mr. Jenkins, of the -Merivale and District Fruit Farm,' and said it in a very grand tone of -voice, as if he was somebody. But the Doctor, little knowing what was -going to happen, sent out to tell Mr. Jenkins to walk in. Pedlar said he -thought that the Doctor probably hoped Cherry Ripe had come with an -advantageous offer to supply Merivale with green stuff at low prices; -but of course this was not so. - -Dr. Dunstan received us in his study, and he was much surprised to see -Chilvers appear after Cherry Ripe, and still more surprised to see the -rest of us come behind. - -"And what may be the meaning of this deputation?" said the Doctor. -"Perhaps you, Methuen, will explain." - -But Cherry Ripe said that he had come to do the explaining. Certainly -he told the truth, but he told it in a beastly mean way. - -He said-- - -"There's times when a man has got to stand up for his rights, -mister"--meaning the Doctor--"and this is one of 'em. These here young -rips be always driving my life out of me, and an example must be made. -I was half in a mind to send for a policeman; but I thought as I'd give -'em one more chance for their parents' sakes, so brought 'em to you, -because no doubt you be paid very well for larning 'em their lessons and -keeping 'em out of mischief. I've two things against 'em, and one is -that they bawl 'Cherry Ripe' after me morning, noon, and night, and take -sights at me, and do many other rude things; and the other is that now, -this minute, I've catched 'em red-handed in my gooseberry-bed, tucking -down my fruit for all they were worth. That's trespass and it's also -theft, and I don't want no more of it." - -"Thank you," said the Doctor. "You have stated your case with a -lucidity and force that does you no little credit, Mr. Jenkins. Now the -accused and the accuser may freely speak, whilst I, as arbiter between -them, reserve the last word, and I fear the last action also." His eyes -roamed over to the corner where the canes were kept. Then he went on-- - -"Your indictment consists of three articles, and we will take them in -your own order. You submit that these youths have insulted you, have -trespassed on your private property, and have stolen your goods. Now, -boy Pedlar, have you or have you not, at any time and in any public -place, addressed Mr. Jenkins, of the Merivale and District Fruit Farm, -as 'Cherry Ripe'?" - -"Yes, sir," said Pedlar. - -"Methuen?" - -"Yes, sir." - -"Weston?" - -"Yes, sir." - -"Chilvers?" - -"Yes, sir." - -The Doctor seemed disappointed, and Cherry Ripe smiled with a grim and -scornful smile. - -"To accost an honest purveyor of the fruits of the earth with words -which, in the nature of his calling, it is necessary that he should -himself loudly repeat at intervals--to do this is a senseless and -offensive act," said the Doctor. "Nothing can be said in favour of it. -No earthly benefit--not even the meretricious semblance of benefit--can -accrue to the boy who bawls 'Cherry Ripe!' after somebody else. The -operation shows a lack of mental balance that may make us fear for the -sanity of the performer, and regard the probable course of his future -with dismay and the liveliest foreboding. But now we are faced with -accusations of a very different character. It is asserted that you four -boys have gone out of bounds, and disobeyed me; that you have trespassed -on another's private property, and so made of no account the laws of -man; and, lastly, that you have taken fruit that did not belong to -you--that you have broken the eighth Commandment, and thus shattered the -sacred edict of your Maker!" - -The Doctor worked this up, as only he can, till we saw what an immense -number of laws we had broken all at once--like you do when you begin to -play golf--and, of course, it was a very solemn moment for everybody. -Even Cherry Ripe looked rather frightened. The Doctor rolled it out, -and shook his finger at Cherry Ripe as much as at us. Then came the -questions. - -"Is this infamous imputation true, Edgar Methuen?" - -"Yes, sir." - -"And you, Harold Pedlar?" - -"Yes, sir." - -"Weston?" - -"Yes, sir." - -"Chilvers?" - -Chilvers, like a little fool, tried to hedge against the future. - -"Yes, and I'm very sorry, sir," he said. - -The Doctor looked at us as if we were some new sort of animals, and he -didn't know how we had got in. He gave a tremendous snort, and took off -his glasses. Then he turned to Cherry Ripe. - -"To attempt any analysis of my personal emotions at this juncture would -be vain," he said. "In these cases introspection may well be left for a -subsequent occasion. For the moment justice cries with trumpet tongue. -And be under no apprehension, Jenkins, that justice will miscarry on -this occasion. As an agriculturist----" - -Here the Doctor forgot us, and talked like anything to Cherry Ripe about -growing vegetables, and Ceres and Pomona and Horace and Virgil, and -other well-known people out of school books. He fairly terrified Cherry -Ripe, I believe. Anyway, Cherry Ripe kept creeping nearer and nearer to -the door. Then, at last, he got in a word. - -"Don't be too hard on 'em this time, your honour. Just one, two, and -another on the place that's made for it." - -"Pardon me," answered the Doctor, raising his hand. "You now trench on -my prerogative, Jenkins. The question of what is to follow may very -well be left with the preceptor of these fallen boys. Have no fear for -that. And to plead for leniency before the breaking of a Commandment is -to admit a personal laxity of view that I, for one, am bound to -deplore." - -Cherry Ripe had now reached the door, and I believe he thought that if -he stopped another moment the Doctor would cane him too. So he began to -clear out. But first he said-- - -"Well, good-evening, all!" Then he hooked it--rather thankfully. And -we wished we could. - -We got four on each hand, and two thousand lines each, and to stop in -for two half-holidays. So that, as Methuen very truly remarked, was -first blood for Cherry Ripe. - - - - *II* - - -Of course, this was merely the beginning of the great anti-Cherry Ripe -feeling, and next term we were planning a deadly revenge with regard to -Cherry Ripe's Kentish cobnuts, which were remarkably fine, when a great -assistant came to our aid in the shape of Trelawny. This was that -Trelawny who had such a terrible end in the matter of the protest of the -wing dormitory. But many things happened first. He was fourteen, and a -fighter from the beginning. All his relations were also fighters, and -poetry had been made about one, who was condemned to death for -magnificent fighting in historic times. This Trelawny, by the most -curious accident, proved to know an immense deal about Cherry Ripe. And -it came out that Trelawny's father, who was a retired soldier and only a -colonel, though Trelawny said that if justice had been done he would be -a general at least, actually owned miles of land about Merivale, -including Cherry Ripe's nursery garden and the field. - -"The beggar merely rents it from my father for so many pounds a year," -said Trelawny. "Why, if I said a word to my father, I could have the -man turned out altogether, and his daughters and everybody. I'll jolly -soon teach him!" - -This was a pretty good score for us, and we soon arranged to show Cherry -Ripe that things were changed. Trelawny took to strolling about in -Cherry Ripe's field as if it belonged to him; and, of course, as I -pointed out to Trelawny, when his father died, though I hoped it would -not be for ten years at least--still he had to--and when he did, the -field and the orchard and everything would actually be Trelawny's own, -to do what he liked with. He said it was so; and he said that he should -jolly soon clear Cherry Ripe out, and build almshouses for old soldiers -broken in the wars, when he came to have the ground. He wouldn't take -nuts or anything. He said that was paltry; but he had a fixed idea that -he ought to be perfectly free of the place, and he went on strolling -about in it till at last Cherry Ripe surprised him down at the pond in -the field. I was there, too, but Cherry Ripe didn't recognize me, -which, no doubt, was lucky. - -He seemed to have something on his mind, for he didn't get into a bate, -but merely said-- - -"Now, you boys, you slope off to your playground--can't have you messing -about here." - -"Perhaps you don't know who you're talking to, Mr. Jenkins," said -Trelawny in a frightfully grand tone of voice. - -Then Cherry Ripe jumped. - -"Lord, the sauce of your nippers now-a-days! Why can't your old -gentleman over there teach you manners as well as figures and all the -rest of it?" - -Clearly he meant no less a person than Dr. Dunstan. - -"My name is Trelawny," began Trelawny. - -"A very fine name too," said Cherry Ripe. "Take care you never bring no -discredit on it, there's a good boy." - -"My father is your landlord," said Trelawny. "And I'll thank you not to -call me 'boy'!" - -Cherry Ripe was by no means so much struck by this as you might have -expected. - -"You're the Colonel's young shaver--eh? Well, I hope you'll turn out as -sensible a man--though I do wish me and him saw alike on the subject of -a new tomato house. However, everybody's a right to his own opinion." - -Trelawny was fuming, like a train wanting to start. - -"You don't seem to understand," he said, "that this very field we're in -at this moment will be mine before long!" - -"The Colonel's not ailing, I hope?" said Cherry Ripe very civilly. - -I could now see that Mr. Jenkins was laughing at Trelawny, but, luckily, -Trelawny did not see this, or he might have taken some very desperate -step. - -"And I want to say further," went on Trelawny, not answering about his -father, "that as this land will be mine sooner or later, I have a -perfect right to walk on it when and where I choose." - -"Agreed," said Cherry Ripe; "and as I'm renting the land, and don't like -rude little boys poking about where they've no business, I've got a -perfect right to pull their ears for 'em when I catches 'em. So that's -settled. Now we know where we are. Be off with you both, or I'll begin -this minute!" - -Trelawny was as furious as a grown man. He turned a sort of colour like -stewed fruit; but, of course, we had to go. There was nothing else we -could do--for the moment. - -"I shall write to my father about this, and you'll soon find out you -can't insult your own landlord's son with impunity," Trelawny shouted, -as we got through the hedge back into our wood. - -"Can't do better. And tell him what I said," answered Cherry Ripe. - -Then he seemed to forget us, and stood quite still looking into the -pond. Evidently he had other things on his mind besides Trelawny; but -Trelawny didn't think so, and believed that Jenkins was standing like -that in a frightful funk to think of the dangerous thing he'd done. - -"However, it's too late now; I shall write to my father next Sunday," -said Trelawny; and he did, and he got a letter back. - -We were rather keen to hear what his father was going to do about it, -and expected he would read it out to us. But he tore the letter up -small, and chucked it away, and merely said he was surprised to find his -father didn't agree with him. - -"But I'll make it clear that the man ought to be sacked when I go home," -said Trelawny. - -Funnily enough, though he'd torn this letter up so small and flung it -scornfully away, we found out afterwards what was in it; because Peters, -who hoped to be a detective of crime when he grew up, always collected -anything with writing on it to decipher mysteries; and it was him who -found out what Johnson's pet name at home was, and how many sisters West -had, and other things not generally known. He said if a letter was once -torn up and flung away, that it was public property for a detective; and -so when Trelawny had gone, Peters collected the bits of his letter, and -pieced it together after taking frightful trouble. It was a -detective-like thing but not a sportsmanlike thing to do, and Trelawny, -when he came to hear of it, challenged Peters. In fact, they fought, -and Peters was badly licked. Still, the letter certainly was rather -curious, considering it came from Trelawny's own father. - -It read like this-- - - -"DEAR TEDDY, - -"I've got your letter, and I've dropped a line to Jenkins, directing him -to give you and any of your friends a real good hiding every time he -catches you on his ground. - -"Your affectionate father, - "TRELOAR TRELAWNY." - - - -Of course, the thing couldn't be allowed to stop there. We were all on -Trelawny's side, though his father wasn't. In fact, Pedlar and Methuen -and me were rather vexed with Trelawny's father; and we told Trelawny -so; and he said he was too. He said-- - -"We'll be revenged next term, as it is too late this. We must all think -of a heavy score against Jenkins"--he never called Cherry Ripe anything -but Jenkins for some reason--"and the best idea is the one we'll carry -out." - -And everybody interested in the matter quite agreed; but Steggles did -not come into it, because Trelawny utterly barred Steggles from the -first. - - - - *III* - - -Next term the great idea of how to crush Cherry Ripe came to me out of -the Bible. I let everybody speak first, and then, as nobody had said -anything like as good, I said-- - -"We will do what the enemy did in the New Testament, and sow tares in -his ground." - -Everybody thought the idea fine but jolly difficult, and Chilvers -asked-- - -"What are tares?" - -I said I wasn't exactly sure, and Methuen said it was a sort of grass, -and Trelawny said it was a parable. Anyhow, we didn't know where to buy -them. Finally we decided not to ask for tares, but some sort of seed -that would grow quickly, and get a deep hold of the ground, and ruin -anything else for yards round. Unfortunately we didn't know much about -wild things in general, and we asked Tomkins, who is our champion -botanist, and he said "Willow herb." But there were no seeds about at -that time of the year, it being February, and so Trelawny said-- - -"We will confide in Batson, who is well known to be the son of a -greengrocer and seedsman." - -But it happened that Batson, who was the gardener's boy at Dunstan's, -was leaving to better himself. However, there was just time before he -went, and we let him into our secret score against Cherry Ripe, and gave -him two shillings with which to buy some seed of some vigorous growing -thing to sow in Cherry Ripe's nursery garden and choke his vegetables -when they came up. Batson said that he would do his best. He said it -might have to be grass seed or clover, but he promised it should be a -good choking thing. - -Certainly it looked hopeful, because he soon brought a bag of seeds and -said they were a kind of clover that, if once sown, could not be got out -of the ground again without ploughing. Then came the question of the -time, and we decided that next Saturday was the day. There happened to -be a big game at football, but not a little one, so we were all free -excepting Methuen, who kept goal for the first. - -All went well, and when the match began to get exciting owing to hands -being given against Bray in our 'twenty-five,' Trelawny and Pedlar and -Chilvers and I went into the wood unseen and got to the Cherry Ripe side -of it. Chaps had been in his field a good deal lately, hunting for a -very beautiful red fungus that was to be found in the hedges, on dead -sticks, and Cherry Ripe had been a good deal worried by them. - -Then came the first surprise of that day. There was a huge board stuck -up in the field facing our wood with these remarkable words on it-- - - - +-----------------------+ - | | - | DANGER! | - | BEWARE OF THE BULL! | - | | - +-----------------------+ - - -Our first step was to get back into the hedge. The field seemed to be -quite empty, but there are many hollows in it, and a bull might easily -have been sitting down quite near us. Or it might have been hidden in -the cluster of trees in the middle. One thing was clear. It was not at -the pond. - -Trelawny said-- - -"This man is worth fighting. I'm glad he's got a bull, because it makes -more strategy necessary for us." - -And Pedlar said-- - -"And I'm glad too." - -But I was not glad, and so I didn't say so; and as for Chilvers, he went -further and openly said that he thought a bull altered everything. - -It was about a hundred and fifty yards across the field from the wood to -Cherry Ripe's wall, and it is well known that a bull can run three times -as fast as a man and five times as fast as a boy. - -I reminded Trelawny of this, and he said-- - -"I know all that; it is a question of strategy." - -And I said-- - -"Yes, but strategy won't alter facts." - -He thought a bit and said-- - -"You chaps stop here and I'll reconnoitre." - -But Pedlar, who was nearly six months older than Trelawny, said he ought -to reconnoitre too. Finally they both went to reconnoitre in different -directions and came back in five minutes. Neither had seen the bull. - -"There's no bull!" said Trelawny. "It's a subterfuge. Come on." - -"Wait," said Chilvers. "I have a feeling it's not a subterfuge. -Something tells me there is a bull." - -Trelawny said it was cowardice, and Chilvers said it was a presentiment. -Anyway, no time could be lost, and Chilvers was firm, so we left him. -He was half inclined to come, but said that an uncle of his had once -been gored by a buffalo, or some such thing, in America, and somehow he -felt that this particular adventure would not suit him, though he would -have feared nothing else. Of course Trelawny explained that this was no -excuse, even if true. But though white and very worried, Chilvers was -firm. He refused to follow, so we went alone. - -We made a detour of the trees in the middle of the field and crept -forward in Indian file. Fifty yards from the wall Pedlar whispered that -he saw something red in a hollow, which might easily be a bull's back; -so Trelawny said "Sprint!" and we threw off caution to the winds and -sprinted. So we got to the wall in safety, and, as if to reward us for -the effort, what should we see on the other side but a beautiful bit of -ground all prepared for seeds! It was smoothed and arranged, and little -narrow trenches had been drawn in it about an inch deep--evidently for -seeds. It was frightful luck and playing into the hands of the enemy as -Trelawny said. He instantly gave the word and we dropped. There was -not a soul in sight--only a spade and two rakes, where the man who had -been working had left them. - -"A commander always seizes any chance the enemy offer," said Trelawny. -"Pour the seed pretty thick along the drills and everywhere else, then -take the rakes and rake it all over until everything is quite smooth!" - -So all Cherry Ripe's arrangements for planting seed were used by us to -sow a particularly deadly sort of clover. We worked jolly hard, and in -about five minutes the thing was done by me and Pedlar while Trelawny -mounted guard. - -Then the exciting work began and Trelawny shouted-- - -"Take cover! They're coming!" - -But there was no cover, and so we all got back the way we had come, and -just as Cherry Ripe and a man ran up from another part of the garden we -reached the top of the wall and prepared to leap down. But luckily we -didn't. In fact, even as it was we only just saved Pedlar and lugged -him back in time. - -The bull had arrived! - -He was there, not more than twenty yards from the wall, and he was a -whacker. He had an enormous body and head, and his forehead was curly, -and his eyes fierce, and his horns rather short but very thick. A -copper ring was in his nose, and his hoofs turned up rather curiously, -like Turkish slippers. There was some hay flung down in front of him, -and he was smelling it. He was evidently a large and fierce bull, and -him being on one side of the wall and Cherry Ripe on the other made it a -very tricky position for us on the top. - -Trelawny said-- - -"This is critical!" - -And Cherry Ripe said-- - -"Hullo, my brave chap, how d'you find your future property is looking? -I hope you're pretty well satisfied?" - -Trelawny said-- - -"This is a case for a parley." - -But Cherry Ripe did all the parleying. We sat down on the wall, which -was easier and safer than standing on it. We sat with our faces to -Cherry Ripe and our backs to the bull. - -"This is an ambuscade in a way," said Trelawny. "In fact, we are rather -scored off. In war we should be shot. Not that it would matter, as we -have done our work. - -"Now, my young shavers," began Cherry Ripe, "I see you've been very busy -down here on your own account, so perhaps you'll just step off that wall -and do a bit of work for me. You can take your choice. Either we'll -all go straight along to your old gentleman, and see what he'll say and -do about it, or you can step down here--all three of you--and set to -work over a bit of weeding. Take your choice and be quick." - -"We'll confer," said Trelawny. - -Which we did do; and Pedlar and I thought one thing and Trelawny thought -another. He said that it would be far more dignified to go back and -suffer from Dr. Dunstan as an equal; but Pedlar and I had done that -before, and we didn't care in the least about the dignity. We said that -to do a bit of weeding for Cherry Ripe would be mere child's play to -four on each hand and perhaps more, not to mention a few thousand lines -chucked in, and a couple of half-holidays gone. - -So Trelawny said-- - -"I'm out-voted in the conference." - -Then he got down and we got down also. - -Cherry Ripe seemed rather pleased at what we had decided to do, because -I don't think he wanted to have another talk with the Doctor any more -than we did. But he certainly had arranged rather a big job for us. - -"You've got to pick it clean, mind you--roots and all," he said. Then -he divided the bit of land into three with sticks, and it seemed to us -that we had to weed about as much as a cricket pitch each. - -"You shall have the biggest job, young master," he said to Trelawny. -"And that's only right and fair, because you're such a big man and take -such big views." - -Trelawny did not answer, but he was evidently in a very proud frame of -mind. He seemed determined to show Cherry Ripe something, if it was -only how to weed. - -We worked jolly hard, and Cherry Ripe kept us at it. Then in the -distance went up three cheers, and we knew the match was over; and, from -the sound of the cheers, it looked as if we'd won, because after a match -we always cheer the enemy, and we always cheer him heartier if we've -beat him--not intentionally, but still the sound is different. - -"Now you can all nip back," said Cherry Ripe. "Better go the way you -came--through the wood." - -"And be killed by your bull, I suppose," said Pedlar. "Not likely!" - -"We have accepted your terms," said Trelawny, "and if you are an -honourable foe, you'll let us out by the gate." - -"Better go through the wood," answered Cherry Ripe. "It's a lot -shorter, and as to the old bull, you needn't mind him. He's my -daughter's pet. He wouldn't hurt a daddy-long-legs, much less a nice -young chap like you. Tame isn't the word for him. A pet lamb's fierce -to him. Come on. I'll go as far as the wood with you if you're -frightened." - -All this was true. And when we got back into the field, Cherry Ripe -scratched the bull's curly head and the bull almost purred. It was the -mildest and humblest sort of a bull you ever saw, though so huge; and to -see such an enormous and happy bull so close was rather interesting in -its way. In fact, we all gave it a pat, just to be able to say in after -life that we had patted a monstrous bull. - -"My youngest daughter often sits on his back," said Cherry Ripe. "This -here bull has got a heart of gold, I do assure you." - -"Another strategy," said Trelawny to me. "Certainly the man's cunning is -frightful. I think I shall tell him about the seed--just to show him -we've scored a bit too." - -I advised not, but Trelawny was so stung by the way we'd been defeated -all round by the wretched Cherry Ripe, that, as we were leaving him, he -said-- - -"It may interest you to know that we've sowed that patch of your beastly -ground under the wall with weeds of the deadliest sort. In fact, you'll -never get them out again. So that's one for us, anyway." - -"Well done!" said Cherry Ripe. "Where did you get the seed from?" - -"That's our business," answered Trelawny. "Anyway, you'll find it out -presently." - -"Well," answered Cherry Ripe, "I know where you got the seed. It was -from my good friend, Batson. And his boy be coming here to work next -week. He's learned all your gardener at the school can teach him, and -that wouldn't sink a ship. He brought the tale to his father, and his -father brought it to me; and so I got the ground ready for you, knowing -what a dashing fellow you are, and what a hurry you'd be in." - -"More fool you then," said Trelawny. - -"Not so fast. The seed you sowed was lettuce seed! Good-evening, my -dears, and when you say your prayers afore you go to sleep to-night, you -can all thank the Lord that you've done a bit of honest, useful work for -once in your lives!" - - * * * * * - -We talked it over during prep., and Pedlar said-- - -"On the whole, we'd better keep this afternoon's work to ourselves." - -And I said-- - -"We were overreached by superior cunning, and we'd better give Cherry -Ripe best in future." - -And Trelawny said-- - -"Wait! This, in a way, is a defeat. But I'll arrange a jolly good -Waterloo for Cherry Ripe yet." - -Meaning, of course, that he would be Wellington, and that Cherry Ripe -would be merely Napoleon. - -However, though I didn't say it to Trelawny, I doubt very much if he is -clever enough to score off Cherry Ripe till he grows up. Then, of -course, Cherry Ripe will find him a bitter and relentless foe. - - - - - *THE QWARRY* - - - - *No. IX* - - *THE QWARRY* - - -If your parints happen to live in India, of corse holidays are not all -they might be. Becorse India is too far off to go to often, and such -relations as aunts and uncles don't seem much to care to have you if you -are the son of an Indian soldier. But grandmothers always seem to want -to have you; at leest they do in the case of Travers; but his parints -are ded. Anyway me and Morris have to stop at Dr Dunstan's for -holidays, and so we have to be friends at those times. I am eleven and -he is twelve and we are very diffrent, him being never knone to lose a -conduct mark, and me being ordinry. I am called Foster and the hapiest -day of my life was when I got ten shillings all at once, being my ninth -birthday in a postal order from my father. The first fealing was one of -shere joy, and the second fealing was that if it had been a pound it -would have been better. - -I remember the birthday only too well, though nearly two years ago, -because immedeetly after getting the money I wrote to Mr Gammidge--the -grand toy and games man--for some important things wanted by me and my -chum, Smythe--him that cut off the Doctor's tiger's tail with such -disasterous results. And by grate ill-luck that beest Steggles looked -over my sholder and saw how I had begun my letter. I had asked Smythe -how to begin it in a very respectful way, so as to please Mr Gammidge, -and Smythe had said, "I should make it as friendly as you possibly can;" -and I had said, "yes." Then I thort that as the friendliest letters I -ever write are to my mother, I would begin it like that; and I had -written down "Darling Mr Gammidge, I shall be very grately obliged by -your sending me if you have time by return of post"--certain things. -Becorse Mr Gammidge was quite as much to me as my mother in those days, -if not more. - -Well, the beestly Steggles saw this and set up a loud and hideous yell -of laughter which was very paneful to me and Smythe. And presently, -when he had drawn the attenshun of many chaps to the letter, he told us -on no account to send it, but to write in a firm and manly tone and -_order_ the things. He said when you are sending postal orders you have -always the rite to be firm and manly; and when you are asking for them, -that is the time to be affecshunite. So we wrote the letter again and -merely said, "Dere Mr Gammidge," and sined ourselves, "yours truly, -Arnold Foster and Huxley Smythe." - -I must now return to Morris, who was left at Merivale with me during the -grate summer holiday last year. In a way his luck was friteful although -he had nowhere to go in holidays. Even his amusements were such that -they turned into marks and pleesed the masters, such as natural history; -and his conduct marks were so exstraordinry that he never lost any at -all without an effort. - -In face he was nothing, being sandy-haired and pail with a remarkably -small mouth and watery eyes. He had not much courage but was fond of -chaps who had, and he liked me and Smythe more for our courage than -anything. We tried without success to increese his courage, and he -helped us a lot with work that didn't want courage but only intelleck, -of which he had a grate deal. - -It was reely owing to my courage that the adventure of the old slate -qwarry happened. You see the holiday competishun for that year was a -colleckshun of insect life, such as beetles, moths and butterflies, and -as Merivale happened to be a fine place for insect life in general, -Morris determined to win the prize if he could. - -When the Doctor and his family went off to the seaside, the last thing -he said to me and Morris was this-- - -"Farewell, my dear lads. Persue all innocent pleasures and give no -corse of offence during the vocation. The Matron will be at your -service and she has the key of the liberary. The playing field is also -open to you, and having regard for the seeson I relax a little of the -riggid discipline of time and place, of hours and bounderies, proper to -the term. But I put you on your honour in this matter and feal that the -chastening influenze of Morris will possibly serve to restrain the -native exooberance of Foster. Lastly I have directed that the -comissariat shall be ordered on a generous--nay, lavvish skale. -Good-bye, my dear boys, and God bless you." - -We said "good-bye," and I hoped that the Doctor and Missis Dunstan and -the gurl Dunstans would have a good time; and the Doctor thanked me and -said he was glad I had the grace to make that wish; and after he had -gone, Morris said that he very nearly said "God bless you" to the -Doctor, but staid just in time. And I said it was jolly lucky he had, -for it certainly would have been friteful cheek to do it. - -Then two cabs rolled away with the Doctor and his luggage and his -family, and me and Morris were left. We found what 'comissariat' ment -at dinner, and I will say that the food was magnificent, and the Matron -was a brick all through the holidays--very diffrent to what she is in -term time; and she told us a lot about her private life, which turned -out that she was a widow Matron with a son. And Morris said "Why don't -you bring your son here, Matron?" And I said "Of corse, why don't you?" -And Morris said "It would hurt the Doctor's fealings a good deal if he -knew you had a son being educated somewhere else." And she said it was -all right and the Doctor was as kind as any man could be, and that the -son was working hard and was a very good son, being an office-boy in a -lawer's office in London. - -Then came the qwarry and my temptashun of Morris, which ended in Morris -going to the qwarry. - -The qwarry was certainly out of bounds, and it was when out of bounds in -secret with Freckles and other big chaps that I found all the wonders of -it. It was a stone qwarry in Merivale Grate Wood, and there were game -preserves near by, where Freckles hunted and practiced to be a -bush-ranger when he went home to Australia. But of course Morris had -never seen the place, because he never went out of bounds at all, from -fear and also from goodness, but cheefly from fear. - -I said to Morris on a fine day in the middle of August-- - -"Have you got any draggon-flies in your collectshun?" - -And he said-- - -"There are no draggon-flies in Merivale." - -And I said-- - -"You're a liar." - -And he said-- - -"Well, anyway, I never saw one." - -And I said-- - -"In the old qwarry in Merivale Grate Wood there are billions." - -And he said-- - -"They can't live without water to cool their tails." - -And I said-- - -"Any fool knows that. There's a stream and a pond in the qwarry and the -draggon-flies and blackberries and butterflies, including peacocks and -red admirals, are all as common as dirt." - -"It's a friteful pity it's out of bounds," said Morris to me, and I -explained that, though out of bounds in term time, yet, owing to the -Doctor's speshul words to us before he went on his holiday, every thing -was free now. - -Then Morris said-- - -"He put us on our honour." - -And I said-- - -"I've got just as much honour as you for that matter. But my honour -covers the hole of Merivale Grate Wood, and if your honour doesn't do -the same, you'll loose the draggon-flies." - -Morris thought over this a good deal. - -At last he said-- - -"There's no doubt that Slade and probably Thompson minor will get -draggon-flies in their collectshuns, owing to their living by swamps and -rivers." - -And I said-- - -"Do what you like, only it happens I'm going to the qwarry to-morrow for -the hole day, and Matron is going to make me sandwiches to take." - -"If you honestly think it is an honourable thing to do----" said Morris. - -"I honestly do think so," I said. - -"I believe you're right," he said. Then rather a footling idea struck -him. - -"How would it be if we wrote a polite letter to the Doctor?" he asked. - -"Not me," I said. "You may be sure that the Doctor, in his hard-eerned -vocation, doesn't want polite letters from me or even you. In fact, it -might so much anoy him that he might change his mind all together and -not put us on our honour at all, but merely say we were to keep bounds, -which would be deth to me. Not that I should do it in any case." - -So after a lot more rot and jaw about his blessed honour, Morris came, -and the day was jolly fine to begin with, and we went well armed for -sport in genral. He had his butterfly-net and killing-bottle--a beestly -thing full of cemicals but merciful in its way, becorse when you put a -butterfly in and shut down the cork the butterfly becomes unconshus -without pane and dies pretty cumfortably. All the same, as Morris said -to me while we watched a lesser tortussshell passing away, "deth is -deth," and the killing bottle was the only part of natural history he -did not care about. Before we got to the qwarry he was wondering if the -cemicals in the bottle would be strong enough for a draggon-fly. - -I said-- - -"You've got to jolly well catch them first." - -I had the sandwiches and a sling made of lether, which hurls a stone -friteful distances. I had also got in secresy a packet of 'Windsor -Pearl' cigarets and a box of matches. These I did not intend to show to -Morris, because it wood have upset his honour again; but I had been a -smoaker for years, having been tought by Steggles, and it seemed to me -if I couldn't have a cigaret in the summer holidays now and then, I -might as well give up smoaking all together. - -There were tongue sandwiches, and bread and butter ones, and two -hard-boiled eggs each, and two large lumps of carraway seed cake. It -seemed a good deel to carry and yet not much to eat. I also took an -india-rubber cup for water; but Morris said the water in the qwarry was -no doubt where the draggon-flies lived in the first stages of their -careers, and he douted if we could drink it with safety. He littel nue -that he would soon drink it whether it was safe or not. - -[Illustration: AT ONE SPOT THE DESCENT WAS VERY PERILOUS.] - -There was only one way into the qwarry and that was down a very steep -and dangerous place. The opening into the qwarry was all filled up and -there were raillings all round it to keep anybody from falling into it -by night. Morris funked getting down for some time; then a draggon-fly -actually sored past and so much excited him that he said he was reddy if -I went first. I told him to see exactly what I did and then I went -down. At one spot the dissent was very perilous owing to a huge stone -that stuck out in the middle of the cliff. You had to curl over it and -feal with your feet for a tree-root below, then, for one grate moment, -you had to let go with your hands and cluch at a pointed stone on the -right hand side. This stone was allways loose and wanted very delicate -handling. To me, with years of practice, it was eesy; but I fealt sure -it would be a bit of a twister for Morris. - -He lowered down his killing-bottle and net and caterpillar-box, then he -began to slowly dissend. But at the critikal moment he stretched for the -pointed stone before he had got his foot on the root and all his wait -came on the stone with the terrible result that the stone gave way. And -when the big stone gave way, about a million other stones gave way also, -so that Morris fell to the ground in an avvalanch of stones and the -woods resounded with the sound. My first thort was keepers and my -second thort was Morris. - -He was alive and hardly hurt at all more than a spraned ankle. He went -very white and sat down and shivered and felt his bones and limbs one by -one. He said it was his first great escape from deth. - -And I said-- - -"You may not have escaped all the same, becorse you've pulled down the -cliff in your dissent, and that was the only way out of the qwarry, and -now there isn't any way out at all!" - -Which was perfectly true and not said to friten Morris. Getting out of -the qwarry was far far worse than getting in and wanted a nerve of iron, -which I hadn't mentioned to Morris till I got him safely in; but now -he'd pulled down the place compleatly and left a naked precipice, and my -nerve of iron was no good. In fact we were evidently going to have a -grate adventure, and so I told Morris. - -It certainly spoilt the day for him, becorse you can't very well have a -ripping good picknick if you don't know how the picknick is going to -end. - -"It's a fine place for natural history no doubt," he said; "but we can't -pretend we're going to have a good time now." - -"We're going to have a long time anyway," I said. - -He smiled in rather a gastlie way and said he hoped not, becorse the -weather was changeing and it might rain later on. - -Then I told him that wether didn't matter as there was a pretty dry cave -where Freckles used to do his cooking of rabbits on half-holidays. -Morris seemed glad about the cave. He rubbed his ankle and said, so far -as that went, he fealt pretty right. Presently he said-- - -"There are certainly red admirals here in grate quantities and also -draggon-flies, but somehow I don't feel I've got the heart to kill -annything for the moment, espeshully after what I've just eskaped -myself. Deth is deth." - -"You'll be better after food," I said. - -But he wouldn't hear of food. - -"We must face the possishun," he said. "Here we are in a qwarry and we -can't get out." - -"Yes," I said. - -"Very well. Then, there being no food in the qwarry except what we have -brort with us, we shall soon be hungry." - -"Yes," I said. "I am now." - -Morris went on trying to be calm, but I could see the more he explained -the situashun the more fritened he got. His voice shook when he said -the next thing. - -"You can't go on being hungry for more than a certain time. After you -reech a certain pich, you die." - -"Yes," I said. - -"Well, there you are," he said. - -He figetted about with his killing-bottle and things, then made a -hopeless sort of a sound like an engine letting off steem. - -"We must consider meens of eskape," I said. "People come here sometimes, -no doubt. - -"Only boys out of bounds," said Morris faintly. "Oh, what would I give -to see the face of Freckles peep over the top!" - -"It's impossible," I told him. "Freckles is spending the holidays with -some cousins in Norfolkshire. But there are often keepers in the woods -to look after the game." - -"Then we must shout at intervals, night and day--as long as we've got -the strength to do it, said Morris. - -"Before each shout we will eat a sandwich to increese our strength," I -said. But Morris fancied half a sandwich would be safer. - -I thort it wasn't much good beginning by starving ourselves. In -adventures nobody begins by starving--they end like that; but Morris, -who has a watch, looked at it and said the time was only half-past ten -and that, even if we were safe and within reach of food, we should not -eat any for two hours and a half. But I said planely I could not waite -that time and it ended by our dividing the food into two heaps of -exactly the same size to a crumb. And I eat a sandwich boldly and -fearlessly, but Morris shook his head and said it was foolhardy. - -He took a very hopeless view from the first, and even thort that -perhaps, when my food was all gone and his hardly begun, I should turn -on him with the feerceness of starvashun and tare his food away from -him. But I said, "No, Morris. What ever tortures I may suffer, I am a -gentleman, and I would rather die a hundred times than take as much as -one seed out of your peece of cake." - -This comforted him rather. He put his hand on his chin and stared -before him in a very feeble manner. - -"Deth is deth," he began again. - -"That's the third time you've said that," I told him, "and if you say it -once more, I'll punch your head. Now, I'm going to utter the first -grate shout, and I hope it may bring a keeper--not Thomas or Waxy West, -for they are both very hard and beestly men, and very likely wouldn't -rescue us even if they new we were here; but the under-keeper, Masters. -He will certainly save us, and if he does, I'll give him my packet of -cigarets." - -I shouted six times; then I shouted six more times; then I told Morris -to have a shot. But he made such a piffling, feeble squeak that you -could hardly have heard him a quarter of a mile off. - -"Lucky I can howl," I said, "or we should both be done for without a -dout. Why, a lamb that has lost its mother would get up more row than -that." - -Morris was rather hurt at this. Me explained that he was making an -Australian sound tought him by Freckles. - -"It may not be loud," he said, "but it is a well-none sound in Australia -and travel grate distances espeshully over water." - -The menshun of water made us go and look at the pond. I was fritefully -thirsty by now and drank some. It was grey in colour but clear when -seen in my india-rubber cup and quite holesome to the taste. Morris -douted, but still he drank. I advised him to catch some draggon-flies -and he said he would after the next time for shouting had come. We -arranged that I should shout every half-hour, and Morris wanted to give -me one sandwich from his store as payment for the exershun of shouting; -but I skorned it and told him I would not think of doing so. - -After the second shouting, which did nothing, used my sling a bit and -neerly hit a bird, and Morris cought a draggon-fly and let it go out of -pitty, and then he cought another and kept it to see if the -killing-bottle would kill it. It did. After about half a minute in the -bottle the draggon was gone, and we shook him out and examined his -butiful markings of yellow and black and his transparent wings, that had -the colours of the rainbow on them when the sun fell on them in a -particular manner. - -Morris stroaked it in a sorroful way. - -"It is out of its missery now. I wish me and you were," he said. - -I said we hadn't begun our missery yet. I advised him to eat a sandwich -and he did, but very reluctantly. - -He said that water would keep life in the human frame for many weeks. -He also said that he fealt, in a damp place like this, we might eesily -get pewmonia. He wondered if I hadn't better shout every quarter of an -hour. He also thort his watch was going far too slow owing to his fall -down the side of the qwarry. The sun had gone behind some rather dark -clouds and we couldn't be sure where it was. - -The only thing that happened during the next hour was that the -draggon-fly came to again, not being ded but merely incensible. It -lifted a paw rather feebly to its forehead and evvidently had a -headacke. Then it took a step or two and shivered a lot. Somehow it -grately cheered Morris the draggon-fly recovering. He sed it had come -out of the jaws of deth and so perhaps we should. He gave it an atom of -tongue out of a sandwich, but it was not up to eating, and turned away -from it. Then Morris got it some water to wet its glittering tail. This -certainly refreshed it and so Morris dashed a few drops on its head -which refreshed it still more. At half-past two it rose and flew -several inches and at three it disappeered. - -By this time I had eaten all my sandwiches and drunk tons of water and -was pealing my first hard-boiled egg. - -Suddenly Morris had an idea. He had only eaten one sandwich and was of -course famishing with hunger. He said-- - -"If you was to write a message and tie it round a stone and sling it -into space, it might be found and red. Then a resque party would be -arranged and we should be saved." - -It was pretty good for Morris, and I took out my pocket-book instantly -and wrote three messages. And he wrote three. He sed it was like men on -sinking ships, who send off messages in bottles that are found many -years afterwards in Iceland. And I said it was. Of corse we hoped one -at leest of the six messages might be found pretty soon. Years -afterwards was no good to us. - -I merely wrote-- - -"Lost in Grate Wood Qwarry and unable to get out. Arnold Foster. Come -at once." - -And Morris wrote-- - -"At the point of deth in Grate Wood Qwarry. No eskape. Food neerly -done. A handsome reward will be given. William Arkwright Henderson -Morris." - -I asked him how he nue a handsome reward would be given, and he said he -didn't, but that he felt it was a safe thing to say and might make all -the diffrence to anybody finding the message. Then I shot off the six -messages rapped round stones, and they eesily flew over the edge of the -qwarry. I then shouted again and eat my first egg. - -Just when it began to rain Morris had another grate idea. He said-- - -"Didn't you say something about a packet of cigarets some time ago?" - -And I said-- - -"Yes, and I am glad you reminded me about them, becorse I just feal that -one will do me a lot of good." - -Then I pulled them out and opened the packet and took one and lit it. - -"It is very restful in such an adventure as this," I told Morris. - -Then he explained his idear. It is well none that when you are learning -to smoak, your appetite is often spoilt for a time. Now Morris thort -that if he smoaked, he would not want food, and so much valuable food -might be saved, and life prolonged if necessary. - -He said-- - -"To you, who smoak so eesily, no dout it is no good, but I have never -smoaked, and if I took a cigaret and went through with it, it might turn -me off eating for some time." - -This was true, but I pointed out a grate danger that Morris had -forgotten. - -"That is all right and I will of corse share my cigarets with you, and -as there are twenty, that will be ten each," I said; "but I must -seeriously warn you, Morris, that to a perfect beginer, like you, many -things might happen besides merely a fealing against tongue sandwiches. -You might be absolutely sick and then----" - -"All the food in me would be wasted," said Morris in a very tragick -tone. - -He turned quite white at this idea. He said it would be madness to do -anything to weaken his system at such a critikal time, and I said so -too. Then he asked me to go and smoak further off, because the very -smell made him feal rather strange after what I had told him. - -I smoaked three cigarets bang off and they only made me hungrier than -ever. Then the rain became rather bad and at four o'clock we entered -the cavern. At least I did, but Morris stood at the door ready to run -out and shout if by a lucky chance anybody came in sight on the edge of -the qwarry. But nobody came and the next serious thing was that my -voice began to get husky after so much shouting. Morris said it was the -cigarets, but I told him it was owing to yelling all day every -half-hour, which undoubtedly it was. - -At six I went to sleep for some time in the cave and Morris did not wake -me, because he said that I was gaining strength by it. When I woke it -was getting darkish and I thort it would be a good thing to make a fire. -Morris thort so too and we made one reddy with a lot of ded fern that -Freckles had put long ago into the cavern. We took the paper that had -rapped up our lunch, and put it under the fern, and covered it with my -coat to keep it dry; and after dark we lighted it, and it made a good -blaze for a minute but unfortunately went out owing to the rain. - -The rain, in fact, began to pour steddily and it was a partickularly -dark evening. Morris became a simple worm after dark. He took a small -bite out of a sandwich and said his prayers from end to end every -half-hour. I had only got my cake left now, and it seemed to me better -to have one good meel and have done with it than keep messing about like -Morris was. So I finished my cake and tried to go to sleep again. - -We found that water came through the roof of the cavern in rather large -quantities, and Morris had a new terror. He said-- - -"If we can't get out of the qwarry, then I don't see how water can get -out, and so, if it rains more than a certain amount, the qwarry will get -full and we shall be drowned." - -Which showed what a footling state of mind Morris had got into. - -Presently I sneezed and he said of corse that it was the beginning of -pewmonia. Then he asked for a match to see the time and it was six -minutes past ten. Then I shouted again at the cavern entrance without -result. - -He kept on asking for matches to see the time until there were only five -left, and I said we must keep these for immergencies, and he said he -supposed we must. - -At last he went into a sort of sleep after shedding some teers and -pretending it was a cold in his head. Then I lighted a cigaret and found -much to my supprise that I was beginning to feal queer myself with a new -sort of queerness quite new to me. - -I woke Morris and told him that I was sorry to say I was ill; and he -said he was undoubtedly very ill too and had been dreeming of his -mother, which he only did when frightfully ill. He also asked me if I -believed in ghosts and I said I thort I did. And he said he always did. - -There were some awfully strange noises happening outside at this time, -and I sakrificed another match and found it was neerly one o'clock. -Then we went to the mouth of the cavern and listened to a peculiar -creepy sound far off. The rain had stopped and a sloppy looking moon -was coming up. Morris shivered. - -"That might be the mournful yell of some wretched ghost," he said. - -"It's owels," I said, but he did not think so. He thort it was too -miserable for owels. - -It came neerer and certainly was not owels. - -Then a thort struck me. - -"It's a resque party!" I said. - -We shouted with all our might and screamed and yelled, and presently -there was an ansering yell and we fealt that with any luck we were now -saved. Soon toarches gleemed through the trees, and there were sounds of -human feet and langwidge. - -I said to Morris-- - -"We are now saved, Morris, and if you are not going to eat your piece of -carraway seed cake, I should very much like to." - -And he said-- - -"You can eat everything. I have such a fealing of thankfulness to be -saved, that I couldn't eat for the moment, empty as I am. Besides there -will be supper provided." - -A man shouted above us and I heard the hated voice of Waxy West. - -"Be you little devils down there?" he cried out. - -"Yes, we are, Mr West," I answered him very loud. "We're doing no harm -at all--merely waiting quietly to be resqued. We only came for -draggon-flies, and the side of the qwarry gave way unfortunately, or we -shouldn't have had to trouble you at such a late hour." - -He growled in rather an unkind tone of voice, and we saw there were two -other men with him. Then they began to make arrangements for the resque -and one was told to go and get a rope. - -"If ever I catch you in this place again, I'll break both your necks," -said Waxy West; and though this was rather strong, it comforted Morris -in a way, becorse it showed that West hadn't found his messages offering -a handsome reward. If there had been any question of that, he would -have been polite and kringeing; but he was just as usual. - -We found out, after, that Matron had got in a funk and gone to the big -house, where the people belonging to Merivale Grate Wood live; and the -people had sent their keepers in all directions to save us. - -These keepers got a rope and made knots in it and lowered it down, and -told us that we must climb up it. And I let Morris go first, which he -did; and then I went up, and the keepers saw us home. - -I told Waxy West that I should mention the subject to my parints in -India and that I hoped they might send at least a pound to him, and he -said it wasn't likely, becorse he'd done them the worst turn any man -could. And he said that if I wanted to reward him, I would never go -into Merivale Grate Wood again; and I promised I wouldn't go in again -for a full month. Which he evvidently didn't believe. - -There was fritefully good tuck waiting for us at school, and the Matron, -who had been blubbing, said a grate many rather unkind things while we -eat it. But she promised not to tell Dr Dunstan and he does not no even -to this day. - -Morris didn't win the holiday competishun becorse, as he expected, both -Slade and Thompson minor brort back draggon-flies. We might eesily have -gone to the qwarry again, after the month I promised Waxy West was over, -but nothing would tempt Morris to go, though I bought ten yards of good -rope for my own use. However, he paid me sixpence for getting him back -his killing-bottle and his butterfly-net and his caterpillar-box, which -were forgot in the excitement of the resque; and that was all to the -good. - - - - - *RICHMOND AND THE MAJOR-GENERAL* - - - - *No. X* - - *RICHMOND AND THE MAJOR-GENERAL* - - -The fellows talk such a lot of absolute piffle about what I did, and -tell such a frightful number of regular right down lies about it, that I -have decided to write out the whole thing myself from the beginning, -that the truth shall be known. There is nothing like truth really, and -it is the only thing that lasts, and I am going to tell the truth -fearlessly, because honesty is the best policy, however hard it may be -at the time. - -Well, after I gave up preaching to the chaps at Merivale, owing to the -row about Browne and Stopford and all the unpleasantness afterwards, I -felt that my occupation was gone in a sort of way; and it so weighed on -my mind that I was one of the first to get German measles and one of the -last to recover. I was shut up in the hospital and had a great deal of -time on my hands for thought, and the more I thought, the more I felt -that my preaching gift ought not to be wasted like this. I tried -preaching to myself once or twice, to keep my hand in, and I found that -I was clean out of practice and couldn't work up to "thirdly and lastly" -without getting regularly tied in a knot. Then I tried to preach to the -matron, and she said it was morbid and told the doctor (for I heard her -through the door) that I was very low and taking a most unhealthy -interest in religion. After which I had a lot more most uncalled for -and beastly medicine, and was isolated for three more days; because the -doctor said it might be something else threatening. What was -threatening really was my conscience. I was perfectly well and -frightfully eager to be doing good in the world; and as it seemed simply -useless to try to do any more good at Merivale, chiefly owing to that -son of Belial called Stopford, I came to the terrific resolve of going. -I decided to leave quietly. I thought on the last day of being isolated -I would steal out into the world in a spirit of calm courage, and try to -do good, and leave the rest to Providence. - -I did nothing rashly, because it is well known that Heaven helps those -who help themselves, and we must not throw all the burden on Providence, -however much inclined we may feel to do so. We are given our talents to -use, not to put under a bushel. I had ten shillings and a telescope, -worth eight-and-six. I had nothing else but my volume of Skeleton -Sermons. It seemed enough. - -One is bound to be worldly-wise up to a certain point; and this is right -and proper. If you have a mission, you must use the best means for -carrying it out, and even money may be put to very proper purposes if it -is spent with a high object. Besides, the labourer is worthy of his -hire. - -With my money I determined to use artificial means for getting as far -from Merivale as possible. For ten shillings you can go an immense -distance by train, though a half-ticket was no longer possible for me, -as I was over twelve; but a train is far too public and I should have -been discovered. Therefore I decided upon the simple plan of hiring a -bicycle. The time was May and the evenings were long. Therefore I -determined to hire the bicycle during the hour when everybody would be -in chapel for evening prayer. Being isolated I could do this. - -The eventful night was fine and warm. I slipped out unperceived, but I -had taken the precaution not to wear my hat with the school colours, as -that would have been instantly observed. So I went to my private box -and took out my round bowler hat, which could not lead to detection. I -then got over the hedge into the main road, because to have walked out -of the gate by the lodge would have much decreased my chances of escape. - -All went well. The people at the bicycle shop raised no difficulty, and -for five shillings they let me have a machine for two hours--also -matches to light the lamp. It was put into their minds to trust me, and -I saw from the first that Providence was going to help me. The man even -shortened the steps a little as I am unusually stumpy in the legs. - -I gave him five shillings and set off. Pursuit would not begin till my -supper was brought by the matron, and I had a clear hour before that -time. Then I knew what would happen; because two terms before, young -Watkinson, who was homesick, had run away and tried to walk from -Merivale, in Devonshire, to Edinburgh, where his grandmother lives; but -he had been taken by Mannering riding that way on his bicycle, two miles -out of Merivale. So I knew that the masters on bicycles and policemen -on foot would soon be after me, and I intended to avoid the main roads -and spend the night in some harmless and wholesome cowhouse on a bed of -sweet meadow hay. Then in the morning I should rise, get a drink of milk -and a little bread-and-butter from some simple and kind-hearted -housewife, and leave the bicycle with her to be returned by train to the -bicycle shop at Merivale. What would happen after that I left entirely -to Providence. - -A telescope and a rather fat book are awkward things on a bicycle, and -they bumped me rather heavily, one on each side, as I started. So after -riding a few miles I dismounted, slung the telescope over my back and -buttoned the Skeleton Sermons to my chest. Though not comfortable, they -did not bump, and I went steadily on my way. At a quarter to nine I -lighted my lamp and well knew that Mannering and Chambers had started, -and that many telegrams, including one to my father, had probably been -sent off by Dr. Dunstan from Merivale. For the first time I considered -what view my father would take of my action, and I was bound to feel -that he might not care much about it. My father, though a good father -to me, has never trusted as much in Providence as I could have wished; -which is curious, seeing that he is not only a clergyman but also a -rural dean. He wants me to go into some lucrative business, but I never -will, for I have no feeling for it. My father thinks that money is -everything, and I know well it is not. He said to me once that you can -always tell a gentleman by his neckties and the cigars he smokes. Which -is childish, because many perfect gentlemen never smoke cigars at all. - -I got rather depressed after dark--entirely owing to thinking about my -father. I also got strangely hungry and was beginning to wonder whether -I had better try for some supper anywhere, or just leave nature to -settle that. Then a most serious and unforeseen thing happened and the -hind tyre of the bicycle went off with a loud explosion, like a pistol. -I dismounted instantly. I kept my nerve and quietly considered the -situation. For a moment it looked as if Providence was against me, but -I could not be sure of this yet. I wheeled the bicycle to a gate and -sat on the gate and considered. Then, far down the road I had come, I -saw a light and instantly perceived that another bicycle was approaching -at quite twenty miles an hour. To drag my bicycle through the gate into -the field, to shut the gate, extinguish the lamp, and crouch in the -hedge motionless and silent, was the work of an instant. The bicycle -flew past and the man on it grunted with little grunts. It was, in -fact, the well-known grunt of Mannering--a sound he always makes at -footer and hockey. So I saw that Providence was still with me and felt -very much cheered; because, if the lyre had not burst, I should have -been quietly riding along not thinking of Mannering, and he would have -overtaken me and all would have been over. - -My resolutions were soon made. I left the main road, which was -evidently now no place for me, and wheeled the bicycle down a lane near -a farm. I felt that it would be necessary to my health to eat something -before sleeping, but cared little what it was, and decided that I would -just take the fruits of the earth--corn or a few turnips, or anything. -In the morning I should mention it to the farmer's wife and ask her to -change my five-shilling piece. For the change from my ten-shilling -piece, after paying for the bicycle hire, was a five-shilling piece. - -I now became conscious of the fact that the bicycle was a hindrance -rather than a help. To leave it behind was, therefore, the work of a -moment. But first I took a leaf out of my pocketbook and wrote on it -these words-- - - -"_Kindly return this bicycle to the shop of Messrs. Jones and Garratt, -bicycle works, Merivale, and all will be well. The hind wheel is -punctured. The finder will probably be rewarded._" - - -To show, however, that I was not careless for the bicycle, I may say -that I went on till I found a cowshed, so that the machine might be dry -and not suffer from night dew or possible rain. It was not the sort of -cowshed that I meant to sleep in myself, being evidently used purely for -cows, and having no fragrant, clean hay or anything of the kind in it; -but it was good enough for the bicycle; so I left it there and went on -my way. - -There are very peculiar and creepy sounds to be heard in the country at -night, and I heard them all. Everything, in fact, is quite different to -what it is by day. Especially the colours of things. There was a watery -sort of moon, and it made all the leaves on the trees look as if they -were cut out of dirty white paper. And it made gate-posts and -tree-stems look as if they were alive. I got a curious sort of feeling -about this time and lit a match and read a couple of Skeleton Sermons. -This put me absolutely all right, and I went to seek some of the fruits -of the earth. But May is evidently a bad time for that purpose. In -fact, there were simply no fruits of the earth to eat anywhere, so I had -to trust to young leaves. Beech leaves are all right in a way, but you -soon have enough. That was all I could get, however, and I washed them -down with a drink from a brook, but unluckily slipped in while filling -my bowler hat with water. Then the thing was to find a comfortable -place with sweet, snug straw; and I crept down to a farmhouse; and, -hearing me creeping down unfortunately upset a dog so much that it -barked steadily for half-an-hour and woke many other dogs for miles -round. - -At last I found a poorish sort of shed which had no sweet, fragrant hay -but only a cart with sacks in it. The sacks had been used for guano. -Still they were better than nothing, and I got into the cart and pulled -the sacks over me, having first taken off my socks and hung them on the -edge of the cart to dry. I slept, but not well, and when morning came I -found myself deeply scented with guano and starving for food, but -otherwise all right and still free. So I read a bit, and put on my -socks, and set out boldly down a lane to the farm. But, after all, I -did not go to this particular farm, because, instead of a motherly woman -or some beautiful young girl standing at the door feeding chickens and -pigeons, there were two men in a corner killing a pig, and the pig -simply hated it; and to see this done on an empty stomach is very trying -to the nerves. So I went hastily and boldly on, and at last found a -quiet and humble cottage and a woman in it. I don't think she would -have given me food for nothing; but when I said I would pay her a -shilling for a breakfast, and showed her my five shillings to prove it, -she met my views gladly and gave me three pieces of bread-and-butter, an -egg, that was not laid yesterday, and some tea. Then she changed the -five-shilling piece and gave me back four shillings. - -Much refreshed and with nothing to trouble me but a cold in the head, -doubtless owing to getting my feet wet, I went on my way. My idea was -to get to Exeter and then boldly take my stand in the cathedral yard and -try to begin doing good and arresting the careless passer-by, and -leaving the rest to Providence. I did not know whether it might be -possible to get to Exeter by lanes and footpaths over fields. Nothing -happened except that I gave away two shillings in charity to a blind -woman with four children. I also said a few encouraging words to her. -And then, being now in the middle of a very lonely common covered with -yellow gorse and white may, I came suddenly upon a man sitting under a -bush smoking a cigarette. He was evidently not a happy man, being very -ragged and with one laced boot and one elastic one. His hair was long, -partly yellow and partly grey; his face was as brown as leather; and he -had little rings in his ears. His clothes were faded and a good deal -patched. He evidently did not mind what he wore. His eyes were blue -and bright, but rather kind on the whole. There was a paper opened -beside him. It was a bit of newspaper and contained bones and the sort -of food you give to dogs. His nails were long and black, and some of -his fingers perfectly yellow from smoking cigarettes. - -I said-- - -"Good-morning! Can you kindly tell me the distance to Exeter?" - -And he said-- - -"I'm going there myself after I've finished my breakfast. It's about -ten miles from here." - -I thought very likely that Providence had thrown this rather -unsuccessful man into my path for a good purpose; so I said-- - -"As we are both going to Exeter, we might perhaps walk part of the way -together. Only I like the quiet lanes and field-paths best--not the -high road." - -He seemed to think the idea quite possible. He said-- - -"Can't be too quiet for me." - -I said-- - -"I cannot tell you my history, but I may tell you this much: I am quite -determined to do some good in the world." - -He said-- - -"Funny you should say that. I'm just the same. I'm nuts on doing some -good myself. In fact, I was sitting here this minute wondering what the -dickens it should be." - -I said-- - -"The truest way to make yourself happy is to set to work to make other -people happy." - -And he said-- - -"Righto! I've always stuck to that. And I've been so busy lately, -trying to make other people cheerful, that I've got rather down on my -own luck." - -He offered me the remains of his repast, which I declined. Then I told -him that I had two shillings and that, if he was still hungry, he might -share my lunch with me when we came to some quiet inn. He thanked me -heartily and fell in with this. He said he wasn't hungry but was -suffering from an agonizing thirst. He said that thirst was a disease -with him, also smoking; and I told him that it was a terrible mistake to -become the victim of a habit; and he said he knew only too well that it -was. - -I improved his mind a good deal before we came to an inn, and then, not -wishing to be seen, I gave him one of my shillings and told him to spend -sixpence on himself and sixpence on me. I merely wanted sixpennyworth -of good, wholesome bread-and-cheese; and I went behind some haystacks -and waited for him. - -He was a long time coming, and, when he did come, I was surprised to -find how little bread-and-cheese he brought for sixpence. Me admitted -frankly that it was very little; but he said the landlord was a hard man -and he would not give a crumb more for the money. - -While I ate, Marmaduke FitzClarence Beresford--for that was this -friend's name--told me something of his life. He was a gentleman by -birth and also by education. He had, in fact, been to Eton and Oxford -and also in the army. He had won the Victoria Cross and been mentioned -several times in dispatches. He had even shaken hands with the King and -been thanked by the House of Commons for his services in the Boer War. -But then, at the very height of his worldly prosperity, a bank had -broken and he had suddenly found himself quite ruined and penniless. Of -course he had to leave the army, for in the position he had now reached, -which was that of major-general, his mess bill alone ran into gold every -week. A major-general has to buy champagne every day of his life, -whether he drinks it or not. It is a rule in the British army and very -important. But he said that nothing mattered as long as one tried to do -good in the condition in life that one found oneself in. He said I was -perfectly right to carry my Skeleton Sermons with me, and that the first -thing he was going to do, when he had saved a little money, was to buy a -volume himself. But, if anything, he was still more interested in my -telescope. He said that it was good for five shillings and advised me -to sell it. He explained that it was useless to me if I was going to -devote the rest of my life to doing good; and of course this was true. - -He said we had better stop where we were till dusk, and that there was a -small town, two miles off, where it might be possible for him, as a -favour to me, to get a friend of his to buy the telescope. So we sat a -good many hours in this quiet field; and he smoked thousands of -cigarettes, and I told him many things that it was useful for him to -know; and he told me many things that it was not particularly useful for -me to know, yet interesting. He was a well-meaning and religious -officer, but he was rather soured, naturally enough, owing to the utter -breaking of his bank and the loss of his hard-earned savings. - -He admitted that I had made him see several things in a very new and -different light, and then, towards evening, he said we might now start -to sell the telescope. He said with a part of the proceeds I might get -a fairly clean bed at the little town, and that he hoped, after a -comfortable night's rest, I should be able to start refreshed and strong -to do good at Exeter. I asked him where he was going to sleep, and he -said in some ditch, because, for the moment, he was absolutely without -means, having given away his last shilling to a poor tramp who was even -worse off than himself. I told him he might be very sure that he would -never regret that shilling; and he said probably not in the long run, -but, just for the moment, as it was going to be a wet night and he had a -bad cold on his chest developing into bronchitis, he felt a little weak -and regretful. Then I said-- - -"You shall share this telescope with me, Major-general Beresford, and if -you like to throw in your lot with me, we will take a humble lodging for -the night and start to do good to-morrow." - -He said it was almost more than he had a right to expect; and yet it -showed how wicked he had been to doubt Providence for a moment. He -almost cried, and I cheered him up and told him to be courageous and -hopeful. Then he said he would try to be; and then he went off with the -telescope, while I waited just outside the small town behind a hoarding. -The major-general had said that he should be about an hour, as a thing -of this kind wanted a good deal of doing; but he wasn't: he came back in -twenty minutes, and he brought the telescope with him, and he was in a -frightful rage and spoke several soldierly words that were not at all -right to use for a man who wanted to do good. - -Me said-- - -"The blighters won't let me pop it! They all want to know how I came by -it! Dash their infernal impudence! Why, they'd have had the cops on me -if I'd stopped to argue about it! You'd better take it yourself. But -I'll be even with some of 'em yet, clash and bash them! I'll burn their -very bad-word houses down about their ears before they're much older!" - -In this dreadful way he went on for some time; then I tried to calm him -down and told him he must not feel too much hurt because common, crafty -men in shops regarded him suspiciously. I said-- - -"You evidently lost your temper with them, and that is never right or -wise. It was your boots that made them doubt you. You ought quietly to -have told them who you are, and about the King shaking hands with you, -and the bank breaking, and so on. Then they would have understood, and -if they had been Christian men, they would have sympathized with you and -very likely have given six or seven shillings for the telescope." - -He said, rather foolishly-- - -"Given six or seven grandmothers for the telescope!" - -Then he seemed to grow suddenly suspicious of me and he asked-- - -"Where did _you_ get it from anyhow? If I thought you'd sneaked it, -I'd----" - -"I got it from my Uncle Horace," I said. "He is an amateur astronomer -and understands the stars." - -"Well, I ought to understand three balls by this time," answered the -major-general, though what this meant I have never understood myself to -this day. - -Then he began to make me rather uncomfortable, and I detected a good -deal of vulgarity in him. But doubtless it often turns people vulgar -and brutal to come down in the world, owing to having to mix with their -inferiors and suchlike. - -Now he began to ask me about myself in a very cross-questioning manner, -and at last it seemed to me that I must tell him the truth. In fact, he -kept on so about who I was and where I had come from, that it got to be -a simple question between telling him the truth and telling him a lie. -Therefore, of course, I told him the truth, and said that my name was -Richmond and that I had lately changed my way of life by leaving school -in order to do some public work in the way of goodness. - -He seemed much surprised. - -"You've run away from school then?" he exclaimed. - -"Yes," I said; "but of course I am telling you this in the strictest -confidence." - -He quite saw that, and said that he regarded the confidence as a great -compliment to him. He became perfectly friendly again and said that, -when a boy, he had run away from school also, and that most boys of -spirit did so--in fact, nearly every boy who ever made much of a mark in -the world began in that manner. I reminded him that he had been to Eton -and Oxford, and he admitted it. It was from Eton that he had run away, -but he had been subsequently captured and taken back. - -"Now you have confided in me," he said, "I think I can really be of some -practical use to you." - -He guessed at the time and said, that if we put our best foot foremost, -we ought to be in Exeter by midnight. I remember, curiously enough, -wondering which was his best foot--the one in the lace-up boot, or the -one with elastic sides. Anyway, we set off after I had shared my last -shilling with him. This he changed into food and drink at a small -public-house by the wayside. - -"At Exeter," he said, "I am widely known and respected. When we get -there, certain people will welcome me in a friendly spirit, and I am -quite sure they will welcome you too. In fact, I can promise you a very -warm welcome and a good night's rest." - -"Will they take the telescope?" I asked. - -"No," he said. "They are not people like that. When they understand -the situation, they will be perfectly well satisfied with you as you -are." - -I was glad that the major-general had come back to this quieter and -wiser frame of mind, and thanked him. - -"I hope it may be in my power to do you a service some day," I said; and -then, in his turn, he thanked me. - -"You never know," he replied. "You may be able to do me a good turn -even sooner than you think for." - -He smoked thousands more cigarettes, and asked me about my home and my -family. He was rather interested to hear that my father was a rural -dean, and kindly hoped that he made a good thing out of it. I told him -that I believed he did; but I explained to him that money was not -everything--indeed, far from it--and that too much is a great -temptation. He said that he had never had enough, even in his palmiest -days, to judge; and I said-- - -"There are many precious things that money will not buy, major-general. -You must admit that. It won't buy affection, for instance." - -He sniffed and evidently doubted this. He said-- - -"It will buy all the affection I want--and a bit over." - -Then the lights of Exeter at last appeared and I was frightfully -exhausted by now and jolly glad to see them. - -"Here we are at last, thank the Lord," said my companion, though not in -a very pious tone. Then, at the outskirts of the town, we came to a -building with a light outside, and the major-general pushed me in in -front of him--rather roughly, I thought. The inside was brightly -illuminated with gas and, to my amazement, the building contained -nothing but policemen. One of these was much astonished to see us. - -"Hullo, Slimey Sam!" he said to my companion. "'Tisn't often you give us -a call without a little help from behind!" - -Then, to my horror, the major-general cast subterfuge to the winds and -appeared in his true character. - -"No," he said. "It took four of you blue worms to carry me in last time -I was here; but this is just a friendly visit. I've been doing a bit of -your work, in fact." - -Instantly I perceived my position and made a dart for the door; but my -faithless companion was too quick for me. - -"No, you don't, my little man!" he cried out, and grabbed me by the -collar as he did so. "This is the missing link," he said to the -policemen, and they were much interested instantly. - -"The boy from Merivale?" - -"Yes." - -Several policemen hastened to the telephone, and one hurried off to the -main police-station of Exeter, and all was excitement, disorder and -confusion. Slimey Samuel--for this was the real name of the treacherous -and unfeeling man--told them the whole story in my hearing; but he -omitted the part about not being able to sell the telescope, and the -only thing that interested him personally was the question of the -reward. - -And really there is not much more to add, because what my father said, -and what Dr. Dunstan said and did, and what Mannering said, and what the -bicycle people said, and what the other chaps said when I went back, is -none of it particularly interesting in a general way. - -In fact, the only thing that would have been very interesting and that I -should really like to be able to tell, is what Slimey Samuel said when -he got his blood-money for giving me up to justice. He declared to the -police in my hearing that it ought to be good for a hundred quid at -least. But his nature was far too hopeful, and as a matter of fact he -only got two pounds from my father and an offer of honest work. He only -took the money; and I expect he felt rather bitter about it; and I felt -rather bitter about it in secret also; because it seemed to show that my -father did not put much value on me. Two pounds for a human life--let -alone your own son--is really rather little. No doubt my father will go -on thinking nothing of me till I am a man. Then, perhaps, the day may -come when I shall be able to show him that, after all, money is mere -dust in the balance against a son, who can do the sort of things I hope -and intend to do, when I grow up into manhood. - - - - - *THE GOOD CONDUCT PRIZE* - - - - *No. XI* - - *THE GOOD CONDUCT PRIZE* - - *I* - - -Going through the school-room of the third, which is my own form, I -chanced to see Saunders minor and Fowle there; and, just as I passed -them, Saunders minor said that he wished he was dead. - -This, from Saunders minor, was a bit out of the common, so I stopped and -asked him why. He said-- - -"It's only a manner of speaking, Thwaites; but, all the same, I do, -because of the Good Conduct Prize." - -"Well," I said, "you're a snip for it; everybody knows that." - -"Not now," he answered. "In fact, it's all up, and the silver watch and -chain are gone." - -Of course, when young Saunders talked about a silver watch and chain, he -didn't mean Dr. Dunstan's footling Good Conduct Prize, which is always a -book of a particularly deadly kind, such as _Lays of Ancient Rome_; but -he meant the special prize his father had promised him if he won the -highest marks for good conduct in his class. And he was simply romping -home when this happened. - -"Of course, it's that beast Foster," said Fowle. "I always hated Foster, -and now, knowing he couldn't win by fair means, he made that peculiar -face at Saunders just as the Doctor came in to say prayers last night; -and Saunders laughed, not knowing the Doctor had actually come in; and -the Doctor took off five conduct marks at one fell swoop." - -"Foster must win now," said Saunders. "But it's a blackguard thing." - -"And if Foster doesn't win, you will," said Fowle to me. - -Curiously enough, this was true. I had been going rather strong on good -conduct this term for private reasons. In fact, my father had promised -me--not a silver watch--but a flogging, or very likely two, if I came -home again with a holiday punishment. - -You must know that at Merivale there was a putrid system called 'holiday -punishments,' and if you didn't get a certain number of good conduct -marks in the term, instead of going home in glory with a good report, -you went home with a holiday punishment. Well, owing to one thing and -another, I had taken home a holiday punishment four terms running; and -my father began to get rather nasty about it. As a rule, he is a sort -of father who talks very ferociously but doesn't do much; therefore, -when he actually does flog me, which happens now and then, it comes as a -great and unpleasant surprise. And I felt, in the matter of the good -conduct marks, that if I went back with another holiday punishment, he -would certainly keep his word and flog me to the best of his power. -Therefore, I bucked up in a very unusual way, and though miles behind -Saunders minor and Foster, was miles in front of the others; and when -suddenly Fowle said this to me, that if Foster also smashed up as -Saunders had done, I must get the Good Conduct Prize in the third, I -felt quite giddy. Needless to say, I had never taken home a prize in my -life. In fact, it seemed almost too much. My people would never -believe it. - -Of course, if such a thing really did happen, it would be a frightful -score off my father; but then there was Foster. He stood six clear -marks ahead of me, and unless some awful catastrophe overtook Foster, it -was impossible for me to catch him. Then it seemed to me as Foster, in -the most unsporting manner, had made his well-known comic face that -always forced Saunders minor to laugh, and so he had got ahead of -Saunders by a paltry trick, therefore it was only right that Foster -should be scored off too. Needless to say, I was quite prepared to -score off Foster myself; but then, very likely that would end by -smashing me up, so it seemed to me that the thing to do was to try and -get some outside person to score off Foster, like he had scored off -Saunders minor. - -I thought a lot about it, but I couldn't see any way that was perfectly -sportsmanlike. Then Fowle, who is not sportsmanlike but very cunning, -said there was a way. I felt pretty certain his way must be mean and -piffling; but for once he thought of rather a good way. At least, it -seemed good to me. - -"I can't do anything myself," Fowle said, "because the last time I was -interested in a fight, you will remember, the result was very unpleasant -for me; but all the same, in a case like this, there ought to be a -fight, and very likely if you explained in a perfectly friendly spirit -to Saunders minor that he owes it to himself to fight Foster, he will be -much obliged to you, and so into training for it." - -Well, I was bound to admit that for once Fowle seemed to be right. -Because, if Saunders minor fought Foster, the marks of battle would -appear on Foster, even if he won; and they would be noticed by Browne, -who hates fighting, and always takes off half the term's good conduct -marks when he finds a chap who has clearly had a fight. - -So I put it to Saunders minor. - -I said, "I come in a perfectly friendly spirit, Saunders minor, and I -don't want to put you to any inconvenience with Foster. But, as he's -knocked you out of the Good Conduct Prize and your silver watch, which -your father may never offer again, as they often change their minds, you -have a frightful and bitter grievance against Foster." - -"You may also add that Queen Anne is dead," said Saunders minor. - -"I know," I said. "But the point is that I'm rather worried to see you -taking this lying down. It isn't worthy of the third. We've always been -a fighting form, and, in fact, you ought to resist this tooth and nail; -and I'd be your second like a shot; and West, the champion of the lower -school, would referee--to oblige me." - -Saunders minor was a good deal interested. - -"D'you think I ought to lick him?" he asked. - -"I think you ought to try," I said; "and you might even succeed if you -went into training, and had a bit of luck." - -Saunders minor thought. He was a pale, putty-coloured chap, and when he -thought, he frowned terrifically till his forehead got quite wrinkled -and old. There was also a very peculiar vein on his temple you could -see when he was thinking extra hard, but not at other times. - -"The question is what I should gain," he said. - -"Also what he would lose," I said. This was, of course, Fowle's idea, -but it came in jolly handy here. - -"What can he lose unless I lick him?" - -"Well, the beauty of it would be," I explained, "that if you licked him, -or if he licked you, it would be all the same as far as the Good Conduct -Prize is concerned. If you knock him about a bit and black an eye or -so, Browne will pounce upon him for certain, as well as you, and away go -half his conduct marks for the term, and bang goes the Good Conduct -Prize." - -Saunders minor nodded. - -"Did you think of this?" he asked. - -"Yes," I said; "with help from Fowle." - -"As a matter of fact, if this happened you'd get the Good Conduct Prize, -Thwaites," said Saunders minor. - -"It seems rather a wild idea," I answered, "but as a matter of fact I -should--unless, of course, I come to grief myself before the end of the -term. I've had to be awful keen on conduct this term, owing to my -father, who has rather overdone it about conduct lately; and so I've -been piling up marks in a small way, but of course such a thing as a -good conduct prize is bang out of my line." - -"Or any prize," added Saunders minor thoughtfully. - -"Or any prize, as you truly say," I answered. - -"Well, we've always been friendly enough," kindly remarked Saunders -minor. - -Needless to say I agreed. - -"It would, of course, be a terrific act of kindness on your part to me -if you knocked Foster out," I said; "and also it would be an act of -justice to yourself; and also it would be what is expected of third form -chaps." - -"You speak as a fighter yourself," said Saunders minor. - -"I am, of course, a great fighter," I said, "and have only once been -beaten, and that by West, who is a champion and nearly two years older -than me. But I believe you would be a very good fighter if you cared -about it." - -"I never should care about it," said Saunders minor. "But the point is -Foster. Supposing he refuses to fight?" - -"My dear chap," I said, "he couldn't. You've got a frightful grievance -against him. The sixth, when they heard, would mighty soon make him -fight." - -"You'll second me, Thwaites, if it comes off?" - -"Yes," I said. "Certainly I will." - -Saunders minor began to think again, and his forehead became much -furrowed. - -"I'm just wondering, if I explained to my father about it, whether he'd -still give me the watch if I succeeded in licking Foster," he said. - -I told him that from what I knew of fathers like his it was very -unlikely, and he'd better not hope. - -"I have heard you say that your father is a clergyman," I said. "Don't -buoy yourself up to think that he'll give you the watch if you lick -Foster. Far from it. In the case of Morrison it was very different. -His father always gave him half-a-crown if he went home with a black -eye, and Morrison generally managed to do so; but then his father was a -royal sea captain, and had commanded a first-class battleship. Your -father is religious, naturally, and against fighting for certain." - -It happened that just at this moment Foster and some other chaps, -including his chum, Tin Lin Chow--commonly called 'Tinned Cow'--the -Chinaman, came by, and Saunders minor, in the excitement of the moment, -stopped Foster and spoke-- - -He said, "I've been thinking over losing the Good Conduct Prize, Foster; -and as it was your fault, something must be done." - -Foster said, "I've apologized. Nothing more can be done." - -But Saunders minor said, "Much more can be done. In fact, I challenge -you to fight; and Thwaites is my second, and West will referee." - -Foster was much astonished at this. - -"I'm bigger than you," he said. "It wouldn't be fair. I'm bound to -lick you if we have a real serious fight." - -"You might lick me, no doubt," said Saunders minor. "But I shall do a -bit first: and I dare say you'll know what'll happen then." - -"The only thing that can happen is that you'll have to give in," said -Foster. - -"Something else will happen besides that," answered Saunders minor. -"However, you'll see. To-morrow week in the wood, if that will suit -you." - -He mentioned a half-holiday, and as the first had no match on, West -would be able to referee comfortably, while everybody was looking at the -second eleven match fixed for that day. - -"Saturday week in the wood; but you'd better think twice," said Foster. - -"I have," said Saunders minor. - -And then Foster himself appeared to think twice. At least, Tin Lin Chow -reminded him of something, and he came back rather mildly to us after he -had walked away in a very cold and haughty manner. - -"Look here, Saunders," he said; "would you mind putting off this fight -till next term? I'm not in the least anxious not to oblige you; but for -private reasons I would rather not fight this term." - -"Yes, I know," said Saunders minor; "and for private reasons I rather -would. You've knocked me out of the Good Conduct Prize when it was a -dead certainty for me; and now----" - -Foster went away to think; but, needless to say, his thinking didn't get -him out of the mess. In fact, the fight had to come off, though Foster -met Saunders minor three times before the day, and once actually sank to -offering him a valuable and remarkable knife if he would put off the -fight till the next term. - -But Saunders minor jolly well scorned to do so. - - - - *II* - - -What Foster did in the matter of training I don't know, but Saunders -minor had rather bad luck. We sat together, and I gave up my meat at -meals to him in exchange for his pudding. Well, of course, to eat all -my meat as well as his own ought to have made him strong. But, -unfortunately, it didn't. He seemed to miss his puddings frightfully, -and his tongue went white the day before the fight, and he got a -headache. The matron spotted him looking a bit off, and then a -frightful thing happened, for the very night before the fight she made -him take a huge dose of some beastliness, and of course, instead of -being full of solid meat and strength for the fight, when the time came -Saunders minor was quite the reverse. - -Needless to say, he gave up all hope, and at dinner wouldn't eat any -meat worth mentioning, and wouldn't give up his apple tart to me, but -ate it himself. He said he was bound to lose, so it didn't matter, -especially as apple tart was his favourite food. - -The time came, and those in the fight sneaked off to the great wood that -runs by Merivale playing-fields, and everything went very smoothly -indeed. Saunders minor had me and Saunders minimus for his seconds, and -Foster had Tin Lin Chow and Trelawny. And West not only was referee, -but he wrote a magnificent description of the fight, like a newspaper. -He had read about thousands of proper prize fights in a book of his -brother's at home; so he understood everything about it. And he and -Trelawny rather hoped that Masterman, who is the editor of our school -magazine, would put the fight in; and if he had, it would have been far -and away the best thing that he ever did put in. But Masterman -wouldn't, though he was jolly sorry not to. He said-- - -"You see, West, the people who read the magazine most are the parents, -and they like improving articles about foreign travel and what old boys -are doing, and poetry, and so on. If I published this fight, the Doctor -would get into an awful bate, because it would be too ferocious, and -very likely frighten the parents of future new boys away when they read -it." - -Certainly it was a very horrid account written as West wrote it; but as -he most kindly let me have the description to copy, I shall write it out -again here; because certainly I couldn't do it half so well as him--him -being champion of the lower school, and champion of the upper school, -too, when Trelawny goes. - -This is word for word what West wrote-- - - -"Description of the fight between Foster and Saunders minor, written by -Lawrence Basil West, Esquire, Champion of the Lower School of Merivale, -and brother of Lieutenant Theodore Travers West, Middle-weight Boxing -Champion of the Army. - -"The men came into the ring in pretty good condition, though Foster had -the advantage owing to Saunders minor getting a set back in his training -the day before the battle. The ring was cleared, and the combatants -shook hands for - - "THE FIGHT. - - -"Round 1.--Some cautious sparring ended by Saunders letting fly with the -right and left, and missing with both. Foster then steadied his -antagonist with a light blow on the chest. More sparring followed, -then, with a round-arm blow, Saunders got home on Foster's ear, and the -men closed. They fell side by side, and on rising instantly prepared to -renew the battle; but as the round was over, the referee (Lawrence Basil -West, Esquire) ordered them to their corners. - -"Round 2.--The men were very fresh and eager for business when time was -called. There was some good counter hits, and then Foster received a -prop on the nose which drew the claret. First blood for Saunders minor -claimed and allowed. The fighting became rather unscientific towards the -end of this round, and finally Foster closed and threw Saunders minor -with a cross-buttock. Both men were rather exhausted after this round. - -"Round 3.--Foster, using his superior height, landed with his right on -Saunders minor's kisser. Then he repeated the dose, and in return caught -it on the left optic. Some good milling followed, with no advantage to -either side. Saunders minor got pepper towards the end of the round, -and when he was finally thrown, his seconds offered to carry him to his -corner; but he refused, and walked there. - -"Round 4.--Foster came first to the scratch. Both cautious, and Saunders -minor very active on his trotters. But he gave some good blows, and -managed to hit Foster again on the left peeper. Foster in return landed -with the right on Saunders minor's smelling-bottle, and liberated a -plentiful supply of the ruby. A good round. At its conclusion, -Thwaites and Saunders minimus wanted Saunders minor to give in; but as -he was far from beaten, he very properly refused to do so. - -"Round 5.--In this round Saunders minor was receiver general, and -received heavy punishment. It was claimed that Foster hit him a clean -knock-down blow, but the referee would not allow it. In the wrestle at -the close Saunders minor got the best of it, and fell on Foster, much to -Foster's surprise. - -"Round 6.--Saunders minor was badly cut up in this round, and received -heavy blows on the potato trap and olfactory organs. The fighting was -very wild and unscientific, and both men fell exhausted towards the -finish. - -"Round 7.--Nothing done. Both fell exhausted. - -"Round 8.--Some good in-fighting. Saunders minor got his second wind, -and, making useful play with his left, landed on Foster's throat and his -right eye. It was nearly a case of shutters up with Foster. They fell -side by side with the ruby circulating freely. The sight of so much -gore upset Saunders minimus, and he had to leave the ensanguined field. -Fortescue took his place by permission of the referee. But the end was -now near at hand. - -[Illustration: "THE FIGHTING WAS VERY WILD AND UNSCIENTIFIC."] - -"Round 9.--Both very weak. Referee had to caution both combatants for -holding. Nothing much done, except that Saunders minor lost a tooth, -said to be loose before the fight. - -"Round 10 (and last).--Foster came first to the scratch, and managed to -get home on Saunders minor's forehead and left aural appendage. Saunders -minor was almost too tired to put up his hands. He tried to fight, but -nature would not be denied, and Saunders minor fell in a very done-up -state. He was counted out by the referee, and Thwaites flung up -Saunders minor's sponge in token of defeat. - -"When Foster discovered that he had won, he shed tears. But Saunders -minor, though defeated, was quite collected in his mind. The men then -shook hands and left the field with their friends. - -"Remarks-- - -"We have seen better fights, and we have also seen worse ones. Foster -has some good useful blows, but he wants patience and practice. He is -not a born fighter, but might improve if he took pains. He had much the -best of it in height and weight, including age, being a good deal older -than his redoubtable antagonist. Though defeated, Saunders minor was by -no means disgraced. He put up a very good fight, and at one time looked -like winning; but luck was against him. Saunders minor, however, might -give a very good account of himself with a man of his own size, and we -hope soon to see him in the ring again. He has the knack of hitting -hard and getting away. He was very little marked at the end of the -battle, whereas his opponent's right eye will long bear the marks of his -prowess. - -(Signed) "LAWRENCE BASIL WEST, Esquire, - "Referee." - - -I read this to Saunders minor, and he agreed with it all, except the bit -about being in the ring again soon. He assured me he did not care about -fighting in a general way, or want to live for it, like West and me, but -only now and again for some very special reason, as in the case of -Foster. At any rate, though the loser, he had done all he wanted to do, -and Foster had a caution of an eye that went on turning different -colours, like a firework, till the very end of the term. - -Such a wonderful, bulgy and curious eye could not of course be -overlooked even by such a blind bat as old Briggs; and, needless to say, -Browne jolly soon saw it. Then the truth came out, and that was the end -of the Good Conduct Prize as far as Foster was concerned. He was -frightfully sick about it; and when it began to appear that owing to -these extraordinary things I, of all people, must get the Good Conduct -Prize, he was sicker still, and called it a burlesque of justice, -whatever that may be. - -Anyway, it actually happened, and when prize day came, it was a clear -and evident thing that I, Thwaites, had got the Good Conduct Prize in -the third form. The Doctor began to read out the name; then, evidently -under the idea that he had got it wrong, stopped and whispered to Mr. -Warren, our form master; and Mr. Warren nodded, and the Doctor put on a -puzzled look. Then he dashed at it and read out my name, and I had to -go up and get the prize. - -"A pleasing and unexpected circumstance, Geoffrey Thwaites," said the -Doctor. "To be frank, that you should achieve this palm of victory -causes me no little astonishment; but I can assure you that my surprise -is only equalled by my gratification. You have not forgotten what I -said to you last term, and I hope this satisfactory amelioration of -manners may, when we reassemble, be followed by a corresponding increase -of scholastic achievement. It will be no small gratification to your -father, Geoffrey Thwaites, to welcome you under these conditions, -instead of with the usual melancholy addition of a holiday punishment." - -Then the Doctor picked up the Good Conduct Prize with a sort of -innocent, inquiring air that he always puts on when giving the prizes. -He pretends to be frightfully astonished at the beauty and magnificence -of each book in turn; which, considering he chooses them all himself, is -fearful bosh, and deceives nobody but a few mothers, who sometimes come -if their sons happen to have pulled off anything. - -Now Dr. Dunstan picked up a tidy-looking book, as far as its outside was -concerned. - -"What have we here?" he said, as if he had just found a bird's nest. -"Why, no less a classic than Bunyan's _Pilgrim's Progress_! Fortunate -boy! Here, bound in scarlet and gold, and richly illustrated, is a copy -of that immortal work. Know, Thwaites, that in receiving the _Pilgrim's -Progress_ you become enriched by possession of one among the noblest and -most elevated and improving masterpieces in the English language. Take -it and read it again and again, my lad; and when you shall have mastered -it, lend it to those less fortunate, that they, too, may profit by the -wisdom and piety of these luminous pages." - -Then the chaps clapped and stamped, and I bowed and took the book, and -shook hands with the Doctor and cleared out. - -Needless to say, my father was even more astonished than Dr. Dunstan. I -came into his study to wish him good-evening when I got home, and he -said, "Well, boy, holidays again? How have you got on? Don't--don't -tell me there's any more trouble!" - -"Far from it, father," I said. "I've got a prize." - -"Good Heavens!" said my father. "You--a prize. What on earth for?" - -"You mightn't think it, but for good conduct," I said. - -"Good _what_?" cried out my father. - -"Good conduct," said my mother. "I always told you there was a mistake. -A beautiful, expensive-looking book with his name in it, written by Dr. -Dunstan himself--the name I mean--not the book." - -"Wonders never cease," said my father. Then he added, "Well done, -capital! I'm more pleased to hear this than you've any idea of. You -must keep it up through the holidays, though." - -"If Saunders minor had won it, his father was going to give him a silver -watch and chain," I said, just to see how that would strike my father. - -"No doubt Saunders minor's father felt perfectly safe," said my father. - -Which shows how people misunderstand. - -However, my father was jolly decent about it; and, in fact, so was -everybody. - -My sister asked me if I should read the Good Conduct Prize. - -"The pictures are ripping," she said. "Giants and all sorts of things." - -"The pictures, as you say, are ripping," I told her; "but, -unfortunately, the story itself is far from ripping." - -"How do you know if you haven't read it?" she said. - -"By what the Doctor told me," I answered. "It is one of the noblest and -most improving masterpieces in the English language, so, needless to -say, I've got no use for it." - - - - - *TOMKINS ON 'TINNED COW'* - - - - *No. XII* - - *TOMKINS ON 'TINNED COW'* - -Tin Lin Chow was his proper name, but we called him 'Tinned Cow,' though -he never much liked it, and said that his father would have made it hot -for us if we had been in China. But we were at Merivale School in -England, so we reckoned that Tinned Cow was near enough, that being good -English anyway. - -The chap was exactly the same colour as the stomach of the guinea-pig of -Vincent Peters; and his father was allowed to wear a gold button in his -hat, so he said, that being a sign of a man who wrote books in China. -He wrote Chinese books for a living, and when we asked Tinned Cow if his -father could turn out stuff a patch on Henty or Mayne Reid, he said much -better. But he had to confess afterwards that his father was only doing -a history of China in a hundred volumes, or some such muck; so evidently -he was no real good, for all his gold button. - -When the kid first came to learn English and get English ideas--owing to -his father having convinced himself that Chinese ideas were rotten--he -rather gave himself airs, and seemed to think because he was somebody at -Pekin he must be at Merivale; but the only person who made anything of -him was the Doctor. He used to bring everything round to China--even -arithmetic, and he evidently thought it was rather fine to have a -mandarin's son in the school. Especially as Tinned Cow had brothers -coming on, who might follow. What a mandarin is exactly, Tinned Cow -didn't know himself; but he seemed to think they were about equal to -dukes, which, of course, must be nonsense, because dukes can become -kings in time, whereas mandarins can't be emperors. In fact, the only -mandarins I ever heard of till then were oranges. - -He was a frightful liar, but good as a maker of kites. And Browne, the -master in the lower fourth, said that both things were common to the -Chinese character. For mere lies we had Fowle and Steggles, and others, -even better than Tinned Cow, because his knowledge of English wasn't up -to lying without being found out for some terms; but at kites he could -smash anybody. His kites, in fact, were corkers, and he taught us to -kite-fight, which is not bad sport when there's nothing better on. -Chinese kites are very light, and all made of tissue-paper and cane, or -bamboo, split up fine. For a cane, Tinned Cow had the beautiful cheek -to go into Dr. Dunstan's study, when he was reading prayers in the -chapel, and rout about in the cane corner and steal a good specimen, and -hide it in the gym. That was the first thing that made me like the kid. -But he said it was nothing, and seemed surprised that I thought much of -it. He also said that over the pictures in a huge volume of Shakespeare -the Doctor had, was tissue-paper of such a choice kind that it must -undoubtedly be Chinese, and that, if so, it was the best in the world -for kites. He said that if I would allow him to be my chum, he would -get several sheets of this paper in a quiet moment, and make me the best -kite he had yet made. Well, I never guessed then what a Chinese kid -really is in the way of being a worm; so I agreed, provided he made two -kites and put my initials on them in silver paper from a packet of -chocolate--the initials, of course, being N.T. They stand for Norman -Tomkins--merely Tomkins now, but Tomkins major next term, when my young -brother comes to Merivale. - -The chap was so frightfully keen to become my chum (my being captain of -the second footer eleven) that he agreed to the two kites without a -murmur, and stole the tissue paper and used the cane for the framework. -So, rather curiously, the tissue paper from a swagger Shakespeare and a -bit of one of old Dunstan's canes soared up to a frightful height over -the school; and it happened that the Doctor saw it, and, little dreaming -of what was soaring, patted Tinned Cow on the head, and greatly praised -him, and said that the art of kite-flying in China was tremendously -ancient, and that in the matter of kites, as well as many other more -important things, China had instructed the world. Yet, when Fuller tried -to sneak a quill pen for a private purpose, believing the Doctor was not -in the study at the time, whereas he had merely gone behind a screen to -find a book, Fuller got five hundred lines and the eighth Commandment to -translate into Latin and Greek, and French and German. Which shows that -to be found out is its own punishment, as Steggles told Fuller -afterwards. - -Well, I let Tinned Cow be my chum, and found him fairly decent, -considering he was a Chinaman, for two terms. Then he began to settle -down and learn English and football, and say that Merivale was better by -long chalks than China. In fact, he rather hated China really, and -said, except for toys and sweets and fireworks, that England was really -far better. I may mention that his feet were small, but not like -pictures, and he said that only wretched girls had their feet squashed -in his country. He had a sister whose feet were squashed, and he said -that she was pretty, which must have been another lie, because pictures -show all Chinese women to be exactly and hideously all alike. But he -had to admit that English girls were prettier, because Trelawny made -him, and also said that he'd tattoo a lion and unicorn on the middle of -his chest if he didn't. So he yielded; in fact, he always yielded very -readily to force, though Fowle often tried, unknown to me, to arrange a -fight for him. He had no idea even of doubling a decent fist, and said -that only wild beasts fight without proper weapons. But once he took on -Bray with single-sticks, and they chose a half-holiday and went into the -wood by the cricket ground and fought well for two hours and a half; and -a bruise on a Chinese skin is very interesting to see. Bray turned -yellow, then blue, that deepened to black on the fourth day; but Tinned -Cow, from the usual putty-like tint of his body, went lead-colour where -Bray whacked his arm and leg. And Tinned Cow's bravery surprised me; but -it was a draw, and he assured me that he didn't care a bit about being -alive, and would have gone on hammering and being hammered until Bray -had killed him if necessary. He said that in his country, when two -chaps are going to fight, they begin by cutting frightful attitudes, and -standing in rum and awful positions, and sticking out their muscles and -making faces, like Ajax defying the lightning in the Dictionary of -Antiquities. This the idiots do, each hoping to terrify the other chap, -and funk him, and so defeat him without striking a blow. Tinned Cow -said that most battles were settled in this way; and once, when Martin -minimus called him a yellow weasel, he puffed out his cheeks and -frowned, as well as you can without eyebrows, and crooked his hands like -a bird's claws and tried to horrify Martin minimus, which he did; but it -was young Martin's first term, and the kid was barely eight years old. - -Now I come to that little brute Milly Dunstan, the Doctor's youngest -daughter. She didn't care much about Tinned Cow at first, for she -always takes about three terms to see what a new chap's like; but after -the mandarin in China had sent Dr. Dunstan a gift of some rusty armour -and screens and old religious books--more like window-blinds than decent -books--and a live Chinese dog with a tongue like as if it had been -licking ink, then Milly, who's the greediest little hateful wretch, even -for a girl, I ever saw, suddenly dropped Blount, whose father was merely -a lawyer, and began to encourage Tinned Cow like anything. He didn't -understand her character as I and a few other chaps did. Bruce and -Mathers and Fordyce knew her real nature, because she had pretty well -absorbed all their pocket-money for term after term; and so I told -Tinned Cow that her blue eyes and curls and little silly ways generally -were simply a whitewashed sepulchre, and certainly wouldn't last longer -than a hamper from Pekin; which, I told him, he'd jolly soon find out. -But there's nothing so obstinate as the Chinese nation; and if she'd -asked him for his pigtail, I believe Tinned Cow would have chopped it -off for her, though he would not have dared to go home to his father -after that till he'd grown a new one. - -It seemed rather a horrid thing, Mathers said, a Christian girl to -encourage a chap the colour of parsnips, not to mention his eyes, which -were like buttonholes; but that was only because Milly had chucked -Mathers; and we all knew what she really was; and, as Steggles said, -she'd have sacrificed her whole family for a new sort of lemon drop; and -of course when Tinned Cow found out how mad she was after sweets, he -wrote to China, to his mother, for the best sweets in Pekin; which she -sent. But while he was waiting for them, the Chinese dog got homesick, -or something, and bit the boot-boy and was poisoned painlessly. Still -Milly stuck to Tinned Cow, and walked openly about the playing-fields on -match-days with him. And silly grown-up women, little knowing the bitter -truth, said it was just like Dr. Dunstan's dear little girl to encourage -a poor lonely foreign kid; but we knew what she was encouraging him for -well enough. - -In fact, Tinned Cow had translated part of his letter home to me. It -was in Chinese characters, and went down the paper instead of along, and -looked as if you'd dipped a grasshopper in ink and then put him out to -dry. But his mother evidently understood, and sent such sweets as were -never before sucked in England--since the Christian era very likely. -And Tinned Cow had also asked for one of his mother's precious rings for -Milly; but this he didn't much expect her to send; and she didn't. So -he bought Milly a ring from a proper ring-shop with three weeks' -pocket-money; which, seeing that he had the huge sum of five bob a week, -amounted to fifteen shillings; and it had a real precious stone in it, -though no one, not even Gideon, exactly knew what. - -Anyway, Milly wore it at chapel, and flashed it at Tinned Cow when the -Doctor had his back turned saying the Litany. And Blount said the flash -of it was like a knife in his heart. Which shows what a footling ass -Blount was over this wretched girl. I warned Tinned Cow, all the same, -that he'd simply chucked fifteen bob away; because she'd change again -the moment his Chinese sweets were finished. And she never gave back -presents when she changed; as Millbrook had found to his cost, being an -awfully rich chap, who gave her a bracelet that cost one pound ten--so -he said. And when she threw him over and wouldn't give it up, -Millbrook, who was certainly rich but a frightful hound, went to the -Doctor. So he got his bracelet and left soon afterwards; and Milly, much -to her horror, was sent to a boarding school for a term or two. But -then old Dunstan, who is simply an infant in Milly's hands, gave way and -let her come home again because she cried over a letter and splashed it -with tears, or more likely common water, and told him that nobody in the -world could teach her Greek but him. Which shows the cunningness of her. -And many suchlike things she did. - -Myself, though I despise all girls, I never hated one worse than this. -The best a girl can be at any time is harmless; but Milly Dunstan was -brimful of trickery, and, just because her eyes were accidentally blue, -thought she could score off everybody and everything. Not that she ever -scored off me. She knew that I barred her altogether, and scorned me in -consequence, and called me "Master Tomkins" to make me waxy, me being -only about four months younger than her. - -She got his mother's pet name for him out of Tinned Cow, and called him -by it in secret. Not that I ever heard it, or wanted to. And she also -gave out that anybody calling him Tinned Cow any more would be her -enemy; and one or two chaps were feeble enough actually to stop. - -She utterly wrecked his character. Before, he'd been as keen as knives -about sport and so on, and there is no doubt that he would have got into -the second footer team next term if Gregson minor had passed his exam. -for the army. But Milly Dunstan didn't care a straw about footer, -though she understood cricket fairly well for a girl; and so Tinned Cow, -like a fool, gave up all hope of getting on at footer, at which he -promised to be some use, and went in like mad for cricket, at which he -never could be any earthly good whatever. And that made another row, -because Milly promised to walk twice round old Dunstan's private garden -with Street, the captain of the third eleven (cricket), if he'd give -Tinned Cow a trial in an unimportant match; and Street said "Right." -And they went, during prep., and it happened that the Doctor, coming out -of his greenhouse, caught them; and Street got five hundred lines; which -naturally made him in such a bate, thinking it was a trap, that he -refused to try Tinned Cow for ever. - -I'm sure I did all I could, for, though I'd lost any feeling for him -since he let this girl sit on him, still I was his chum once. And I -tried to save him, and asked him, many a time and oft, why he let -himself go dotty about a skimpy girl. And he said that it was her -skimpiness he liked, for she put him in mind of his sister--only his -sister was smaller, and, of course, had squashed feet. To see a girl -who can walk about seems to be a fearful treat to the Chinese; so what -they let theirs all squash their feet for, the Lord knows. - -Tinned Cow confessed to me that Milly Dunstan was pretty sharp, and had -been reading up all about China in one of the Doctor's books. In fact, -he confessed also that she knew a lot more about China in general than -he did. And some things she liked, and some she hated; and especially -the marriage customs she hated; and she told Tinned Cow that unless he -let her father marry them in a proper Christian church when the time -came, it was off. So he promised; and he also promised, though very -reluctantly, not to say a word about it to Dr. Dunstan until he got to -be head of the sixth and the school. But he knew that at the rate he -was going, he would never get there till he was at least fifty years -old. And sons of mandarins marry very early indeed in their own -country, so he said--as soon as they like, in fact--so Tinned Cow -promised about getting to the top of the sixth reluctantly. Then he -took to working and swatting; yet all his swatting only got him into the -lower fourth in three terms. Then, seeing what a lot it meant getting -into the sixth, and what a frightful hard thing it was, especially for a -foreigner, to do it, Tinned Cow fell back upon the customs of his -country; and his methods of cribbing were certainly fine and new. But -they couldn't get him into the sixth, let alone to the top of it; and he -tried still other Chinese customs in an arithmetic exam, and attempted -to bribe Mr. Thwaites with four weeks' pocket-money--a pound, in -fact--if he would arrange to let him get enough marks to go up a form. -Of course, everybody knew that Mr. Thwaites had a wife and hundreds of -small children at Merivale, and, though a sixteenth wrangler in olden -times, was at present frightfully hard up. But what is a paltry pound -to a sixteenth wrangler? Anyway Mr. Thwaites raged with great -fierceness and took Tinned Cow to the Doctor; and as the Doctor hates -strategy of this kind, he made it jolly hot for Tinned Cow and flogged -him pretty badly. I asked if it hurt, being the first time the Doctor -had ever flogged him, and he said the only thing that hurt was the -horrid feeling that he'd offered too little to Thwaites. He said that in -his country, and especially among mandarins, offering too little was -almost as great a crime as offering too much, and that he deserved to be -flogged on the feet as well as elsewhere. He said that his father was -such a good judge of people that he always offered just the right sum; -and he felt certain that in the case of Thwaites not a penny less than -ten pounds ought to have been offered. It was the well-known -hard-upishness of Thwaites that made him think a pound would do; but -now, seeing what a little way money seemed to go with a man, he felt -about the only chap within reach of being bribed was the drill sergeant; -and of course he couldn't help Tinned Cow to get into the sixth. -Besides, the drill sergeant had fought in China in his early days, and -he had a sort of warlike repugnance against Tinned Cow that would have -taken at least several pounds to get over. - -So things went on until the arrival of the sweets from China; and they -were all right, though Tinned Cow told me that Milly wasn't as keen -about them as he expected, or at any rate she pretended not to be. The -truth is that some of the very swaggerest Chinese sweets take nearly a -lifetime thoroughly to like; and by the time that Milly began to feel -the remarkable splendour of this sort, she'd finished them. However, -she was fairly just--for her, and didn't throw the beggar over before -the taste of the last sweet was out of her mouth, as you might have -expected. In fact, she kept friendly for a matter of several weeks; and -then she began to get rather sick of his Chinese ways--so she said--and -cool off towards him, even though in his despair he promised to become a -Christian and get her idols and fireworks and many other curiosities -that probably wouldn't have been sent even if he'd written home for -them. - -But Chinese chaps have quite different ideas to English chaps, owing to -their bringing-up; and things we utterly bar and consider caddish, such -as sneaking, a Chinese chap will do freely without the least idea he is -making a beast of himself. I didn't know this, or else I should never -have allowed Tinned Cow to be my chum, but at last I discovered the -fatal truth; and the worst of it was that he sneaked against my -bitterest enemy, called Forrester, thinking that he was doing a right -and proper thing towards me. - -This chap Forrester I hated for many reasons, but chiefly because he'd -beaten me, by about ten marks only, in a Scripture exam, owing to -knowing the names of the father and mother of Moses, which are not -generally known. I always had a fixed idea, funnily enough, that Moses -was the son of Pharaoh's daughter; and I said so, and I added, as a -shot--for shots often come off, though they are dangerous--that Holy -Writ was quite silent concerning the father of Moses. And the Doctor -frightfully hates a shot that misses, so I had to write out the whole -business of Moses fifty times, till I was sick of the very name of the -man; whereas Forrester won the prize. Well, this Forrester kept -sardines in his desk and ate them freely during Monsieur Michel's class. -But one tin, already opened, he forgot for several weeks, owning to its -getting hidden behind his paint-box and caterpillar cage. And these -sardines--being rather doubtful of them when he found them again--he -gave to Milly Dunstan's Persian kitten; and Tinned Cow saw him do it. -Well, the kitten showed that Forrester was quite right to be doubtful -about the sardines by dying. It disappeared from that very hour, and -was believed to have gone next door to die, as cats are generally very -unwilling to die in their own homes, and always go next door to do so, -curious to say. And Milly was in an awful bate when Tinned Cow told -her, thinking it would please me; whereas, if anything could have made -me get friends with Forrester again, it would have been to know he'd got -this terrific score off Milly Dunstan. But her rage against Forrester -was pretty frightful--especially, she said, because a boy whose strong -point was Scripture could have done this thing; and she made Tinned Cow -tell the Doctor; and such was his piffling weakness where she was -concerned, that he did. But old Dunstan, who hated cats, and did not -mind the kitten going in the least, said it was a case of circumstantial -evidence--whatever that is--and the proofs of the cat's death were too -slight, seeing the body couldn't be found, and also remembering a cat's -power of eating sardines, even when a bit off. Then he turned against -Tinned Cow, and told him that the character of an informer ill became -any pupil of Dunstan's, and that to try and undo a fellow-student might -be Oriental but was far from English, and so on--all in words that you -can find in dictionaries, but nowhere else that I ever heard of. - -Which showed the Doctor wasn't so keen about Tinned Cow as he used to -be; and that was chiefly because Tinned Cow's younger brother was not -coming to be educated in England after all, as Dr. Dunstan had hoped, -but was going to Germany instead. - -Anyway, when it was found out that Tinned Cow was a sneak--by birth, as -you might say--chaps naturally flung him over; and Maynard refused to -let the kid fag for him any more; and I, of course, told him that I was -no longer his chum. He made a frightful fuss about this, and implored me -to go on being his chum, and offered me a Chinese charm that had -undoubtedly been the eye of a Buddhist idol in its time; but he was such -an utter worm, and took such a Chinese view of things, that I had to -refuse the charm and let him go. He was frightfully down about it, and -slunk about in corners and offered to make kites for the smallest kids -in the school--simply that he might have somebody friendly to him. - -Then, when I think he was beginning to change his mind about England -being better than China, the last straw came in the shape of a new boy -called Vernon Vere--a chap of a good age--sixteen at least. He was the -nephew of a viscount, or a marquis, or some such person, and he -explained that with any luck he would be a marquis himself some day, -because his only brother, though older, having shaky lungs, for which he -was in the Canary Islands at that moment, might pass away and lose his -turn. - -I heard what followed from Corkey minimus, who was Milly's spy and -carrier, for which he got a peach from the Doctor's orchard-house now -and again in summer; but only ones that fell off. He told me that Milly -received no less than three letters from Vernon Vere before he'd been at -Merivale a month. And the third she answered. - -So we knew that Tinned Cow was done for; and very soon he found it out -himself, and then he turned several shades yellower and moped in the -gymnasium for hours together, and lost all hope of doing any good at -work, and sank down to the bottom of the lower fourth and spent all his -spare time doing impositions. He went about like a dog that's -frightened of being kicked; and many chaps did kick him, out of sheer -cheerfulness, because he seemed as if he only wanted a kick to complete -the picture. Then, one day, very civilly, he asked Freckles for his -celebrated bowie-knife, that he goes bush-ranging with on half-holidays, -and Freckles very kindly lent it, after Tinned Cow had promised not to -cut anything harder than wood with it. Then Tinned Cow thanked him and -went into the gym., saying that he only wanted to cut something soft. -He didn't come back, and when the bell rang, Freckles and I--he being -rather anxious about his bowie-knife--went up to the gym. to see what -Tinned Cow was after. Suddenly Freckles shouted out from the -shower-bath room, and, hearing him yell, I rushed in. And there was the -wretched Tinned Cow in a most horrible mess. He'd taken off his shirt -and given himself a dig in the ribs, or possibly two, and he was lying -in a comfortable position bleeding to death. At least, so he hoped; and -he begged us earnestly to mind our own business and leave him to 'salute -the world,' as he said, without any bother. But we hooked it for -Thwaites and Browne and Mannering; and they came and carried him in; and -ruined their clothes with Chinese gore. - -Of course we all thought Tinned Cow was booked, and Freckles, knowing -the deadly sharpness of his knife, said the kid must kick to a certainty -if he'd used the knife with proper care. Yet, strange to relate, he -didn't die, but lived; which seemed to show that the knife of Freckles -wasn't nearly such a fine one as he fancied. But he said that it only -showed Tinned Cow had lost his nerve, and funked what he was doing at -the critical moment. - -Two mornings afterwards Dr. Dunstan told us all about it after prayers. - -"This unhappy Asiatic," he said, "this young Celestial, from the pagan -fastnesses of his native land, despite months not a few of tuition in -this our manly and civilized atmosphere of Merivale, has relapsed upon -the degraded and barbaric customs of a great but benighted country--a -proof of the natural cowardice and baseness of the human heart when -unillumined by the light of Christianity. The vain folly, which led him -to his rash act is not for your ears. Let it suffice that Tin Lin Chow -in a fit of mental infirmity, not to say active insanity, sought to -deliver himself from imaginary miseries by the act of -self-destruction--the 'hari-kari,' or 'happy dispatch,' as we translate -it, of the Chinese. Thanks to fear at the crucial moment, or an -ignorance of his own anatomy, or, as we should rather believe, the -direct interposition of a merciful Providence that still has work for -him to do, Tin Lin Chow failed of his fearful project and is now out of -danger. For the rest, I may inform you that your comrade, when fit to -travel, will return to his native land, and I can only hope and pray -that the traditions of Merivale, its teaching and its tone, will cleave -to him and leave their mark upon his character." - -Of course the thing that was not for our ears was the reason why this -little Chinese idiot had tried to kill himself. And that was because -Milly Dunstan and everybody else had chucked him, but especially Milly. -Anyway, his vitals healed up in a fortnight, and after six weeks or so -had passed by, he was back at school again. But only for a few days. -Then a ship sailed from London for China and, as Steggles very truly -said, the only 'happy dispatch' that Tinned Cow got was a dispatch back -to his native land. And probably he liked it better than England, when -all was said and done; because the schools out there have got no sixth -forms, so he told us. Therefore he'll be all right very likely--and -live to thank his stars that he didn't kill himself after all. Though -myself, I think he honestly tried and the fault was in the knife. -Still, after two such sickening failures--I mean Milly Dunstan, and the -attempt to hari-kari himself--I expect the kid won't ever want to make -friends with girls again, or try to gash open his stomach, but just lead -an ordinary sort of life without fuss, like other people do. - -I made it up with him in a sort of way after his attempt to kill himself -failed; and he explained to me how he ought to have done it; but the -details were no use to me, because I wouldn't do it myself for all the -girls in the world. Then Tinned Cow left, and he seemed sorry to go at -the last moment; and he promised to send me some chopsticks and some -chrysanthemum and other flower seeds of beautiful plants--knowing how -frightfully keen I was about flowers--and materials for birds'-nest soup -and other interesting things. But he never sent one of them; and I -never thought he would, and didn't count upon it in the least, because, -once back in his own country, where everybody tells lies from morning -till night, simply from the habit of centuries and centuries, owing to -China being the birthplace of civilization, you couldn't expect the -beggar to keep his word. - -And I expect nobody in this country will ever hear of him again. Not -that that matters. But if I ever go to China, which I very likely shall -do when I have time, I may look him up, I think--just to see if he got -any good from coming over here. But I shouldn't think he really did. - - - - THE END - - - - RICHARD CLAY & SONS, LIMITED, - BREAD STREET HILL, E.C., AND - BUNGAY, SUFFOLK. - - - - * * * * * * * * - - - - - *Chapman & Hall's New Novels* - - -*The Death Man* - -*By BENJAMIN SWIFT* - -_Author of "Nancy Noon," "The Tormentor," "Life's Questionings," etc._ - - -*Sally: a Romance* - -*By E. TEMPLE THURSTON* - -_Author of "The Apple of Eden," "The Evolution of Catherine," etc._ - - -*The Watchers of the Plains* - -*A Story of Western Canada* - -*By RIDGWELL CULLUM* - -_Author of "The Devil's Keg," "The Night Riders," etc._ - - -*Imperial Brown of Brixton* - -*By REGINALD TURNER* - -_Author of "The Comedy of Progress," "The Steeple," etc., etc._ - - -*Seed on Stony Ground* - -*By U. L. MORICHINI* - -_A plain-spoken religious novel, dealing critically with the Roman -Church, which has had a very great success in Italy._ - - -*The White Cat* - -*By GELETT BURGESS* - -_Author of "The Lively City o' Ligg," "A Little Sister of Destiny," -etc._ - - -*The House on the Borderland* - -*By WILLIAM HOPE HODGSON* - -_Author of "The Boats of the 'Glen Carrig,'" etc._ - - -*The Human Boy Again* - -*By EDEN PHILLPOTTS* - -_Author of "The Whirlwind."_ - -_Illustrated by L. 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Van Dusen, -F.R.S., M.D. - -*By JACQUES FRUTELLE* - -_Author of "The Chase of the Golden Plate," "The Haunted Bell," etc._ - - -*The Boats of the "Glen Carrig"* - -Being an Account of their Adventures in the Strange Places of the Earth, -after the foundering of the good ship _Glen Carrig_ through striking -upon a hidden rock in the unknown seas to the Southward. 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